Howard started the show with a commercial break and then a preview of what they had coming up. Howard said they had Catherine Bach from the Dukes of Hazard coming in. Robin said she was surprised that Howard was going to have her in. She said Howard always turns down guests and then when they have someone like her he's happy that she's coming in. Robin joked about her looking like Yvonne Decarlo. Howard told her not to even say that.

Howard said he was going to spank Catherine this morning. He said he might ask her to go make out too. Howard said Milton Berle is going to be calling in. John Wayne Bobbit and his girlfriend will be calling in too. Howard said he heard she's very attractive.

Gary said the King of all Messengers was on the line with a new prank call. Howard got him on and King said that he called a bible show. He played the clip for him a short time later. King got in a plug for Howard's 800 line where people could order his new video. Howard got in some plugs for that and then had King play another call.

King of all Messengers also called another show and asked if they had any plans to get Howard Stern's show piped into the V.A. hospital sound system. They just laughed.

Howard talked about being on up in Boston in the evening and how he will eventually be on in the morning up there. Howard said the company asked him not to go on in the mornings when they asked him not to. He said he always ends up getting screwed. He said he could grab more audience if he was on in the mornings.

Howard said he found that now that he's syndicating his show, the company is taking other guys and doing the same thing with them. He said they actually take other guys and syndicate them. Howard said there are two sets of rules, one for him and one for everyone else. He said that kind of eats away at him.

The caller asked about Bobcat Golthwait not coming in recently. Gary said that was just a mix up with scheduling. They moved him to a later date.

Howard said he can't wait for Catherine Bach to come in. He said he's going to have her sitting on his lap. He said he's going to ask her to come over for some sugar from his sugar daddy and make some love talk with her.

Howard said he'll grab her up in his arms and then molest her. He said anyone that walks in there is dealing with a single man. When he's at work he's single. He said this should be good.

Robin was laughing at everything Howard was saying. Howard told her to get it out of her system now. He thinks that she wants some of his sugar too. Robin said Howard is like the guys in the parking garage with that stuff. Howard said he's going to write down some of his pick up lines for Catherine.

Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to stump Jackie. The guy said it was kind of morbid but not dirty. Howard said he'd play along since he hadn't done it in a while. Howard asked if it was a Mickey Mantle's son joke or something. Howard spent a minute talking about the death of Mickey's son.

Howard told the caller to go ahead and tell his joke. The caller asked ''What's 12 inches long and makes women scream in the morning?'' Jackie had the punch line which was ''Crib death.'' Jackie warned them that it was bad.

The caller also told Howard about Film Threat having a picture of Robin with a see through top on. Howard knew the top she was wearing. He said he remembered seeing that picture. Howard told Robin not to worry about it because her boobs look nice. Howard told Robin she has such nice breasts. He said he's kind of seen them.

Robin said Howard lied about seeing them. Howard said one of her breasts slipped out of her top one time. Robin said it never did. Howard said he did see it. She refused to believe that.

The guys showed Jackie one of the pictures. Jackie said he had never seen that picture. He said they were different than he expected. He said he expected a larger circumference. Howard said they're beautiful. Howard said she's really cute. Howard said that Robin could make some good money selling those pictures instead of writing a book.

Howard asked Robin if she knew her top was see through. Robin said she had worn it before and it had never happened before. Robin said the top is black and you can't see through it. Gary said the flash and the sun just hit the top the right way that day.

Robin said she hates it when Jackie laughs the way he does. Jackie was laughing about how great the picture was. Howard said Robin defies gravity with those boobs. He said that she wasn't wearing a bra and they were very firm in there.

Howard said Robin comes off very good there. Gary said some of the interns saw the picture and Robin walked in as they were checking it out. The guys talked about Robin's picture and goofed around talking about that for a short time.

Gary said he saw Robin naked one time at channel 9. Robin said Gary barged in while she was changing clothes. Howard asked if she was drinking herself in. Robin said she was busy. Robin said that she immediately covered her chest and screamed when Gary came in.

Gary said Robin was the only woman on the show and the only person without a lock on her dressing room door over there at channel 9.

Howard said they were watching a video of a woman and a dog making love yesterday. Some listener sent them the video. Howard said everyone he told about it asked what kind of dog it was. It was a mutt but it must have had some Great Dane in it because the dog was big. Howard said Robin was in there watching the video too. Robin said she wasn't looking at it, she was turning her head.

Howard said the video was weird and some of the positions they were in were kind of weird. He said they did missionary but there were other positions that were just weird. They had to go to break after that.

Howard said Henny called him over to say hello to some people at his table as he was leaving. Howard said Joey Adams was there too and wouldn't wave to him. He said he must have known who he was and what he's been saying about him on the air. Howard said it was kind of sad to see him there.

Howard said Joey was an old time comic and he's married to Cindy Adams. Howard said she's a nice piece of ass for an older woman. He said she must be in her 60s but she looks good.

Howard talked about what it looks like when you see an old person eat. He said that's what it was like watching Joey. Howard said he saw Howard Cossell eat soup one time and that was a pretty interesting sight to see.

Howard said his agent saw Alan Zweibel at the club and he didn't come up to say hello to him. Howard said Alan used to work for Saturday Night Live and now he's got a lot of other stuff going on. Howard said he heard Alan was on the phone the whole time they were there. He said you'd think he could go somewhere else to make all of his phone calls. Robin said she's seen guys like that when she goes out to eat. She said there's one guy who always does that at a restaurant she goes to.

Howard said he's not sure what this Alan Zweibel has even done. Howard said he'd like to ask him what he's done but he's always on that phone.

Howard said this guy Howard Goldflus wrote an article about the FCC and included him in that. Howard read that article that explained how Howard would be gone if listeners didn't want to hear what he was saying. Howard said he told the guy that the article was good but the government was still fining the company he works for and it will continue to go on. Howard said it's a real disappointment.

Howard asked Gary to turn down the lights in the studio. He didn't want Catherine to see him in full light. Howard had Gary bring her in after that.

Catherine came in and Howard asked her if she wanted something sweet. He told her that the world was theirs. He asked her if she was feeling anything sexual this morning. Catherine said that it would take more than that for her to feel something. Howard tried some more pick up lines but it was too early for Catherine. Howard asked if she was feeling any magic. She said she wasn't feeling anything yet. Howard said he loves animals. He loves the Rhino and he had a Rhino horn in his pants.

Howard asked Catherine if she was single. She was married but Howard told her that it doesn't matter. He said that the grayness that is his life is now a rainbow.

Howard found out that Catherine was married. She married him right after The Dukes of Hazard. Howard asked her if she thinks he should shave his beard. She told him to keep it.

Howard asked Catherine to come over to him. He grabbed her hand and started to kiss it. She told Howard he had nice hair. It was silky. Howard said her fingers tasted like butter.

Howard said Catherine wore a mini-skirt for him. She said she did. Howard said he wanted to cuddle her like an endangered Panda. She wanted to talk about the animal stuff but Howard was just goofing around with the pick up lines.

Howard asked Catherine about getting into animals and not people. Catherine said she loves animals and people. Howard told her she's a piece of ass. Howard said she's got great legs. Howard said he'd get her a copy machine of her own if they got married. He was still trying the pick up lines.

Howard asked Catherine if she had anything to say about Boss Hogg since he had died. She said he was a great guy. Fred liked him too. They spent a minute on that subject.

Howard asked Catherine about guys hitting on her after the Dukes of Hazard thing. She said that she got flowers all the time during that show. Howard said he'd make love to her like she can't imagine. Howard said he never gets tired of doing that. Howard asked if her husband does everything she wants. Howard said he'd do anything she wanted.

Howard asked Catherine if she likes sex. He said her body is built for sex. Catherine asked Robin if she can help her out there. Howard said he told Robin to stay out of it.

Howard asked Catherine if she ever looks at an elephant or rhino penis. She said that she has seen them and they're huge. She wanted to talk about where she's been for a while now but Howard told her to hold off on that stuff.

Howard asked Catherine about all of the guys who were hitting on her and if that's hard to take. She said that it can be kind of hard. Howard said he knows that men come on too strong sometimes. Howard asked when she realized she had this power over men. She said it wasn't like that. She didn't have a power. Howard said she does have a power because he'd do anything for her right now.

Howard asked Catherine to take her jacket off. She said it was too cold in there. She only had a t-shirt on. Howard said that was fine with him. He said the jacket was ruining it. Howard asked if he could get her into a towel during the commercial break. She wasn't going for it.

Howard asked Catherine what famous people she has dated. She dated Robert Shields from Shields and Yarnel. Howard told Catherine that he's impotent and needs help. She said that they can talk about that when they talk about the animals. Howard said he might go gay if she doesn't help him out. Catherine said that she hears all of those lines when she comes to town.

Howard offered to pay Catherine for sex. He said he wasn't going to beg all morning. He said she must be wild when she makes love. Howard asked her if she wanted to hug him now. She said she would hug him goodbye when she leaves.

Howard wanted to plug her TV show but she wanted to talk about animals. Howard said they can talk about that too. Howard had Jackie turn up the heat earlier so the studio was getting hot. Howard took his sweater off and told Catherine to take her jacket off. She didn't take it off. Howard said she has to take it off. She did unbutton it. Howard begged her to take it off.

Howard said he felt something going on there between them. He asked her if she's a natural D-cup. She said that she is. Howard asked what it's like to be ''so female.'' He also asked if she walks around her house naked. She said she does that sometimes. Howard said she really is very womanly. Howard said there are people who are somewhere in between, like him, but she was very female. Robin was too.

Howard mentioned the TV show Catherine was in to promote. It was called ''African Skies.'' Howard talked about her filming over in South Africa with Robert Mitchum. Howard asked if she's ever been with a black man. She said that she didn't want to say.

Howard said it was getting really hot in there and he was going to take his pants off. He was about to do that and said that they should just get really wild and strip down. He said he wanted to be as wild as a gorilla in Africa.

Howard asked Catherine about where her show is at. She said it's on the Family Channel. Howard asked her why she's on that channel. She said the show fits there. She told Howard that she had a spitting cobra spit at her one time during the filming.

Howard asked if Robert Mitchum hit on her. She said he didn't. She said that she hasn't smoked pot with him either. She said she doesn't do that stuff. Howard said he doesn't do that anymore either. Howard said Jackie might be doing it right now.

Howard said that he had Catherine on his top 5 hot chick list. He gave some of the other women that he's had on the list and they included people from various TV shows he's watched over the years.

Howard said he loved the original Tarzan TV shows and how goofy the show was. He said he loved that he could make anything happen with that one word ''Ungowa.''

Howard said he felt like he had a giraffe in his pants. He said he wanted her pressed up his chest. Howard said that he wanted to get to the animals and get the audience involved.

Catherine said that she got involved in this endangered species breeding project. Howard said that they have poachers come over there and kill these animals for their horns and ivory and stuff like that so Catherine is getting involved with trying to save them.

Catherine told Howard about how Rhino horn and tiger bones are used as an afrodesiac and that's why they kill off the animals. Catherine said that they have a direct line to the White House now to get people to help out with this. Howard said he was going to give out the number but he was going to call them himself first.

Howard said that if they get this bill passed then Catherine will make love to him. Catherine said that the line is a direct line to President Clinton's hot line. Howard tried dialing it but ended up calling Jackie's joke line (516) 922-WINE instead.

Howard called again and got the White House comments line. They were doing a survey type thing and had Howard pushing buttons to do that. It turned out no one was there because it was too early in the morning. Howard said they should flood the White House with calls.

Catherine wanted to give Howard a gift but Howard told her to keep it. She really wanted him to take it so Howard told her to come over and give it to him. Howard said that she had quite a ring on her finger. Howard also talked about the old poster she had out where she was in her short shorts. Howard said she must have sold a ton of those.

Howard asked Catherine about her husband and if he has a tongue that can turn her on. She told him that's out of bounds. Howard said he loves to have hours of foreplay and cuddling too. Howard said he'd like to do that with her but he and his wife just have sex.

Howard asked Catherine if she wears thong bathing suits. She said she wears bikinis and she will sun bathe topless at home too. She said it's her house so she can do anything she wants there.

Howard said Catherine was making some good points. He said he had to wrap up though. He gave her some plugs for her TV show and had to ask her to keep her jacket off while he did that.

Howard asked Catherine to come over and hug him. He asked if he could kiss her too. He asked for one and spit on his own lip accidentally. He got the kiss from her and Robin asked him what he was doing. Howard told Catherine to pretend that she was acting. She wasn't able to do it. Howard let her go a short time later. He went to break after that.

Howard told Milton that he would give him a little sugar if he was there in the studio. Milton told him he's always doing that shtick. Howard said it wasn't shtick. He was serious. Howard asked him if he wanted any sugar. Milton said he didn't.

Howard said he once had Milton in an interview and he called him back to his dressing room. He thought he was going to seduce him. Milton said Howard is making it sound like he's ''all fagged out.''

Howard told Milton he saw Henny Youngman at the Friar's Club. He also said he was told that Milton didn't donate the building he claimed to have donated. Milton said that it was his house and he gave it to them. Milton said it was back in 1952 when he did that. He said the house was too big and he gave it to them. Now it's worth $18 million. He paid $325,000 for it back then.

Milton told Howard he wants Howard to sit on the deus at a roast out in Las Vegas. Howard said he can't afford him. Milton said that he can. He said the roast is going to be honoring Sid Caesar for 50 years in the business. Howard said he's doing that out in Vegas.

Howard said he heard Milton was mad about something that the Kennedy Center Honors thing. Howard told him not to be upset about that. Milton told him that he wasn't upset about that. Howard and Robin kept talking over him so Milton asked if he could get a friggin word in.

Milton said that he wanted to say something. Howard cut him off again and said that he didn't bring up his penis in this interview. Milton said he hasn't brought it up in years. Howard said he would give him an award just for the size of his genitals.

Milton said that what he's doing with the Sid Caesar thing is the first time they've ever done something like this for the public. He said it's going to be kind of naughty and they will be working blue. He said no kids will be allowed into the event. Howard said Milton is much funnier than Sid Caesar. Milton said they have different styles so that's nonsense.

Milton said that they have a bunch of people coming to the roast. He said they have Henny Youngman, Foster Brooks and others. Howard kept cutting him off and didn't let him finish.

Milton went on to explain what they were going to be doing at the roast and Howard figured it was going to be filthy. Milton said they weren't going to be filthy. Howard thanked Milton for calling in and told him that he was glad he called in. Howard let him go a short time later.

Billy West was sitting in and did his impression of Milton for a couple of minutes. Howard and Billy played with that for a short time. Billy had the impression down pretty good and sounded a lot like Milton.

Howard had Billy West do his impression of John a little bit. He mumbled and didn't say much. John said he knows he mumbles.

Howard spoke to John's new girlfriend, Christina, who didn't have much to say either. Howard said that they were very similar in that way. Howard said John had his penis cut off but now he's getting a woman who is way above his ex.

Christina said that she loves John for his mind. Howard and the guys were shocked by that. John said that they met at a strip club. She was working at the club and came into the room when he was there for an autograph signing. Howard said he heard that they were all over each other in the green room there.

Howard asked John why they pretend that they don't have sex. Christina said that her parents know. Howard asked John how his penis is working. John said that it's working now. Howard said it must be working, look at the smile on Christina's face.

Howard asked Christina if she wants to marry John. She said she does. Howard asked how they could be engaged. John said she's everything he's been searching for. Howard said she's everything he's been searching for too. He said she's a stripper.

Howard asked Christina if she knew who John was when she saw him. She said she did. Howard asked who the woman was in the paper that John was with. Howard said it wasn't Christina. They hadn't seen it yet. Howard showed the picture to Christina. It turned out it was her. Billy West was mumbling in the background and making Howard think that it was John mumbling.

Howard asked John about his divorce and how that's going. John said that she's not letting him out of it until June because she wants to stay in the country.

Howard said he needs to have some tissue regenerated too so he might need Christina's help. Howard asked if she was attracted to him. She said she wasn't and it was the long hair that was turning her off.

Howard asked if Christina knew she wanted to marry him right away. Christina said they spoke on the phone for hours and hours. She said that they talked a lot in the beginning. Howard asked if she was afraid of breaking his penis. She said she didn't have that worry. She said that she was kind of curious about what it looked like. She said it looked normal to her.

Howard asked if she saw any scars on his penis. She said that she wasn't inspecting it that close. She said that things are going well with him though. She said John is living with her now. Billy was still mumbling and Fred got in on that as well. Howard asked the two of them to cut it out.

Howard said he saw that John was selling a lot of t-shirts. John said that he sold out of them and ended up selling some penis protectors instead.

Howard asked Christina about her breasts and she claimed they were real. John confirmed that for him. Howard said he's a lucky man. He said he'd marry that one if he were John.

Howard asked about the managers they were traveling with today. John had one and so did she. Christina said she had people knocking at her door after John exposed them and she didn't know how to handle it. That's why she got the manager.

Howard said it sounds like they've got it made. Howard asked how long it took to get into the sack. John said it was 4 or 5 days. Christina gave him a look when he said that. Howard said that they're two adults and that's not that bad. Howard said John had some place to go so he had to leave soon. He asked Billy and Fred to do their impressions of John. John said that he never did that before they made it up on the show. Then he started talking that way.

Howard found out that John and Christina were on the Jenny Jones show and Christina's ex was on the show. Howard asked if John ever compares notes with the guy. John said he hasn't yet. Christina gave him a look again according to the guys.

Howard asked Christina how many times they can go in one night. Christina said that she's not sure about that. Howard started to wrap up with them again. He asked if he could hug Christina goodbye. John was fine with it. So was Christina. Howard said he might be in love with John's new girlfriend. He asked John if things are working okay down below. John said they are. He said he still needs time to fully heal though. Howard let them go and said he'd come out in a minute when he goes to break.

Howard said it might be worth going through getting your penis cut off to get a chick like that. Howard said they barely know each other. Gary said they must really be in love because they're going to go for a carriage ride in the city later today. They're postponing their flights to make sure they can do that. They went to break after that.

Howard said he heard the funniest manager is supposed to win a prize at the meeting. Jackie actually wrote some jokes for Tom. Jackie didn't think it was worth mentioning but Howard did. Howard said that's funny that he would ask for jokes.

Howard asked what jokes Jackie gave him. Jackie said he didn't remember what they were. Jackie said a higher up in the company told him about that and took one of his Joke-In-A-Box things to use instead of asking him for some jokes.

Howard said he heard they're going to be discussing what to do with the Greaseman down there. That led to Billy doing his impression of the Greaseman. Howard said the guy is losing ratings for the station. He said they wanted him there to bring in ratings but that's not working out. Howard said they're having a whole meeting about how to get rid of the guy now. Billy continued to do his impression making weird noises and saying things like ''Waddle Daddle.''

Howard said Tom thought the guy was funny but he told him that he's never been funny. Howard said they handed the guy syndication and it's like they were doing that just to piss him off. Howard said he created the syndication thing there and all of these other guys are benefiting from it.

Howard said he can't believe that Tom asked for jokes from Jackie. Howard said they have to get tape of Tom telling those jokes. He and the guys goofed on Tom about that stuff for a few minutes. Howard said they got less than a 1 the last ratings period with that Greaseman. He said they don't want to give him up though because they paid him so much. Howard said it's a big problem.

Howard said the guys out in California were going to grab him up but Andy Bloom didn't want to do that. Now they have him down to just an hour of work but they still have to pay him big money.

Howard said they wanted him to run Greaseman promos on his show and he refused. He said they slip them in when they go on vacation though. Howard said that's Tom's sneaky trick.

Robin said that Tom told her that he's no fan of Mexico. She did her impression of his monotone and told Howard what he said to her about that. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all. He said that he's probably enjoying that trip.

Howard goofed on Tom about the Greaseman thing for a few more minutes. Howard said it was Tom's idea to bring him there and now he has to take the blame for the failure. Howard said he warned Tom about that. Robin said Tom has told her that he finds him funny. Robin did her impression of Tom's laugh while Billy was doing his Greaseman impression. Fred did his Tom laugh too. Robin said Tom says that Howard and the Greaseman have different styles. Howard said Tom is a dullard and he's witless.

Howard said he was reading what Regis had to say about the job and how he might be done with his morning show. Howard said Regis isn't done with that job. He said he was joking around about that but Regis isn't going anywhere. He said he'll be on that Regis and Kathie Lee show. He said he heard he hates Kathie Lee though. Howard said he heard they were yelling at each other in the hallway but those are just rumors.

Howard did his impression of Regis a little bit as he was reading the article. Howard said he thinks that Regis is going to lose his morning show ratings and maybe he will have to go to late night. Howard said he'll fail there too though. Howard said he'd be ''Regis Failbin'' then.

Howard said that Dave is just goofing on the guy when he says he's going to give him a job after his show. Howard said that's never going to happen.

Howard and the guys talked about Kathie Lee a little bit too. They talked about her needing a young man instead of that old man Frank Gifford she's with.

Robin read a story about a guy who fell as he was trying to climb down to his girlfriend's room. He fell 11 stories trying to climb down a rope.

Robin read a story about President Clinton and the Whitewater scandal. She had some audio of Clinton talking about that and claiming it was unjustified. Howard welcomed him to the club. He said now he knows how he feels with the FCC coming after him. They had some audio of a guy spelling out ''C L I N T O N'' and asking what it spelled. Fred kept playing Gary's ''I don't know'' audio clip during that.

Robin read a story about a guy who shot some co-workers and himself at his workplace after he was fired. Fred threw in a Jackie laugh when she read that story. The guy killed a couple of people and eventually died himself.

Robin had a story about a teacher that got into some trouble asking his students if they were going to take anyone not the same race to their prom. He said it wasn't going to look good if they had a mixed race prom. Robin said he was suspended after students turned him in. She had some audio of a guy from the KKK talking about how he didn't want to see mixed race couples kissing or anything like that.

Robin read a story about how short people have a shorter life expectancy than taller. She said that they have shorter arteries that can get clogged easier. Howard said he doesn't see many older tall people, they're usually shorter.

Robin said that Mickey Mantle's son died last week. He had just come out of a substance abuse center when he collapsed and died. Gary came in and said that he was going to contact that principal that they were talking about earlier. He had to get some information from Robin so he could do that. Gary said he didn't want to break into the middle of her story so he was in there just staring at Howard.

Robin read some news stories about Tanya Harding, Leona Helmsley, a woman who committed suicide and wrote a nice letter about the person who advised her how to do it and Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson's marriage problems.

Howard and the guys were doing their drunken Don Johnson impressions and goofed on him for a short time. Robin had some details about Johnson and another guy getting into a fight at a bar. The guys goofed on Johnson through the whole thing.

Robin read about Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and how the families are looking to get some money out of him. Robin read a story about a rap concert where they were going to have a guns for tickets concert and only 26 guns were turned in so they canceled the concert.

Robin read about some officers who saw a man in his car thrashing about in his car with a smile on his face. The cops went to the guy's car and saw no one else in the car but the guy had his hands shoved in his pants. They ordered him out of the car but he refused. They pulled his hand away thinking he might have a weapon but when they checked his pants, the guy had a terrible accident. He had tried to shove drugs in his butt and they came out as the cop was checking.

Robin read some news about Roseanne and Tom Arnold doing an interview with Magic Johnson as the interviewer. Howard said that Magic should do an interview with the person who infected him. That would be a good interview. The guys goofed on Magic for a few minutes and Robin ended her news a short time later with a quick mention that the Crash Test Dummies were going to be on Letterman that night.

• Master Tape Theatre - July 26, 1994 And Bonus Segment. 08/03/07. 6:00am
  Today's Master Tape Theatre was from July 26, 1994. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I heard it for the first time today. They played a ''bonus'' clip before the July 26th episode to explain part of the upcoming show. They played a clip from the Monday after the bachelor party where Fred ended up in the hospital after falling on his face after tripping down some stairs.

  Howard and the guys all told their sides of the story and what was going on that night. They talked about how much Fred had been drinking that night. He managed to wander upstairs in the club after having about 16 drinks while sitting down in this one area.

  Fred didn't remember that night because he had so much to drink. At one point he vomited and hit Howard. Howard had a change of clothes in his limo so he had Ronnie get those for him. Howard then says that Fred was making out with Gay Rich at one point during the night. Gay Rich came in and said it wasn't like that at all. Some people thought he was actually making out but others said that Rich was just on his lap.

  Howard was accusing Fred of being a bi-sexual but Fred thought that Rich was just taking advantage of him that night. Rich said he was just comforting Fred when he was sitting on his lap and stroking his face. Howard said he saw Fred push Rich off his lap and then get up. He starts to walk and then Ronnie tries to help him get to the bathroom because he was about to puke. As they're going down the stairs, Fred falls flat on his face down five steps. Everyone started screaming and people thought he was dead. He was so out of it he wasn't moving and people really thought he had died.

  Howard said this one girl pushes her way to Fred, she's a paramedic and she tries to help him out. She's wearing a bikini top and mini-skirt so Dominic lifts up her dress and jokes around while Fred is bleeding on the floor. Ralph says that they don't need an ambulance because he's afraid that the party is going to end. Howard said they had to get one so they called 911.

  Howard got a hold of the 911 tape and played that. Howard ended up yelling at Gary for some of the things he said during that call. He didn't know that Fred was bleeding even though there was blood on the floor. Gary was yelling at Howard and Robin to shut up during that discussion. He couldn't get a word in and tried to shut them up. Howard asked for the Gary Puppet to come in so Fred picked him up and started doing his impression of Gary for a few seconds.

  Howard replayed the 911 call and goofed on Gary even more. He said it was amazing that they got anyone to show up after that call. Gary thought that Fred was conscious but he actually wasn't. Gary got mad at Howard for goofing on him about the call and left the studio. They wrapped up this discussion a short time later.

• Howard Bothered By Changes In Studio. 07/26/1994. 7:10am
  Show opening bits and songs included: A Cyndi Lauper intro, an old comedy routine clip, MTV Music Awards clip with Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman as Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon talking about Fartman, a prank call by King of all Messengers, an audio clip of a woman talking about bondage, a woman talking about mothering, Tom Jones performing ''The Dock of the Bay'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show wondering why everything sounded different. He thought he sounded like he was under water. He asked what was going on and everyone thought everything sounded muffled in some way. Robin said she had to turn up her radio because it did sound weird. Scott the Engineer came in and said no one said anything to him so he had no idea what was going on.

  Howard sang to Scott right along with his opening theme song. He said the people at home might not hear it but he heard it in his headphones. Scott said that it sounded okay over the radio. Jackie said that he turned up the volume on Scott's headphones and he had no idea why that happened. Scott said he knew why and turned it down himself.

  Howard asked Gary to check into everything and find out who changed something. He said he didn't have anything better to talk about this morning.

• Fred's Wife To Be Analyzed By Howard. 07/26/1994. 7:20am
  Howard said that he thinks that Fred's wife has changed a lot since she married Fred. He told Gary to pull the audio of Fred's wife talking about Fred's fall at the bachelor party so he could play that. He said that when he's done with this discussion, Fred is going to throw himself down another flight of stairs. Fred said that he thinks he has a logical explanation for what she was saying but Howard said that this happens with every woman who gets married. They all change. Jackie said he could see a difference with Fred's wife too.

  Howard and Fred went back and forth talking about the wife and how she may have been under stress during that call she made. Fred's wife said that if it was Howard who had fallen on the floor that he would have been treated differently. Howard didn't think that was right to say something like that because he and Fred have no feelings like that toward each other.

  Howard said that Fred actually looks kind of good with the stitches in his chin. He said it looks better than that stubbly beard that he had. Howard explained the accident that Fred had at his bachelor party where he fell down some stairs and split his chin open. He said he thinks that Fred's beard may have broken his fall that night.

  Howard said he wanted to analyze Fred's princess today. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard a caller was on the line with a prank call he made to the Mother Angelica show. Howard had the guy play the call where he threw out Howard's name and then had Mother Angelica go off on him for making the call. She called him evil and said she felt sorry for him. Howard talked a little bit about Mother Angelica and what a strange woman she was. He then went to break.

• Caller Thinks OJ Needs Psychics To Help His Case. 07/26/1994. 7:45am
  After the break Howard said that it was hot in the studio again and they keep telling him they're going to get him some more air conditioning but they need parts and they're arguing over who is going to pay for it. He said he just wants to be cool.

  Howard took a call from a woman who had some thoughts on the OJ Simpson case. She said that the L.A. Police department has psychics on the force and she thinks that they should be using them instead of having OJ spend millions on lawyers. Howard told the woman that there is no such thing as a psychic. He asked her if she believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny too.

  The woman said that OJ should be using a psychic to help him out with his case. She thinks that the police could bring in psychics to figure out what happened. Howard told the woman that he's a psychic and told her that he predicts that today she's stupider than she was the day before. She just rolled with it and kept telling Howard that the police use psychics successfully very often. Howard said OJ could agree to take Sodium Pentathol today and if he's not guilty, they could find out that way. He hung up on the woman because she wouldn't stop talking about the psychics.

  Howard said that there are a lot of kooks out there like that. He gave some statoistics on what people think about this OJ case and there are a lot of people who think he could be innocent even though he has a history of abuse. He and Robin spent a short time on that before they moved on.

• Howard Discusses Fred's Wife. 07/26/1994. 7:50am
  Howard got back to Fred and his wife. He wanted Fred to hear him out before he went off on him. He went on to say that Allison used to be this sweet girl when she first started calling in. Then she met Fred on a Dial-A-Date and went out and hit it off. Howard said Allison wanted a way into the show and she found it through Fred. Howard and Jackie remembered the way she was back then and how sweet she was.

  Howard said that after the bachelor party discussion, Fred's wife called in and had some things to say about how he was treated. Howard said that Fred was at a .3 blood alcohol level and wondered if Jackie had ever been that drunk. Jackie said he's pretty sure he's never been that drunk.

  Howard talked to Fred about some of the stuff he did at that bachelor party and how wild it was to him. He said he wanted to leave Fred and Gay Rich alone because they were getting so intimate with each other. Howard thinks that Fred would have gone for it if Gay Rich had gone in for a major kiss with him. He was drinking a ton of tequila so maybe that's what started to turn him gay. Howard said they might have to outlaw tequila if it turns you gay. He joked that Fred was going around the city and breaking all the tequila bottles he could.

  Howard also said that maybe Fred realized what he was doing with Rich and he was actually throwing himself down the stairs as a suicide attempt. Fred said that Howard doesn't drink so he doesn't know how that stuff can work on him.

  Howard said that Fred's bachelor party was the best ever and no one can ever top it, even Ross Zapin. He said he had to take a break but pointed out that Fred's chin is healing very quickly. Jackie said that the band-aids on his chin looked better than the beard he had on there. Howard asked Fred if he was self conscious about them being on there and he didn't really mind them at all.

  Howard got to the tape of Fred's wife where she goes off on Howard for not helping Fred quicker than they did that night. She said that if it was Howard, they would have rushed to get him help faster than they did with Fred. Howard went on to talk about how he and Fred have always had a nice relationship. He decided to throw the bachelor party for him and that's what he did. He said he told Fred to stay single because this is already turning into a nightmare.

  Howard said he now understands why he went to Gay Rich, he doesn't have to explain anything to him. He got back to the tape from when Allison called into the show and went off on him. He wanted to get to the part where she goes off on him. He replayed that and told Fred that love is blind when Fred tried to defend her.

  Howard said that Ralph told him that after the party he was walking home but passed out on the street drunk. The cops came and told him he couldn't lay there, he had to sit up. Ralph said that he just needed to sit down so he did that and then laid down when he felt like putting his head down. He fell asleep so the cops came by and told him to sit up. Ralph said he'd taken his shirt off too because it was so hot out.

  Howard said that everyone saw Ralph out there too. Gary came in and said that his wife saw Fred sitting there on the sidewalk looking like a homeless guy. Ralph said one of the interns also saw him out there and asked if that was him laying in the street. Howard thanked him for the story and told him to go lay out in the hall. He went to break a short time later.

• Kenneth Keith Kallenbach And His Mom Visit. 07/26/1994. 8:30am
  Howard came back from break and had to put his sunglasses on. He said that no one reminded him that he didn't have them on. Kenneth Keith Kallenbach came in a short time later with his mother. Howard explained how he met Ken for the first time on the Channel 9 TV show. Kenneth claimed that he could blow smoke out of his eyes and tried to do that on the show. He also puked on Howard's foot one time. Howard said that was the first time he'd ever been puked on. Ken's mom said she never had that happen to her.

  Howard asked Kenneth if he ever sent his video tapes to his mom. He wasn't sure and she said she didn't think she'd ever seen them. Ken was acting his usual odd self but his mom was laughing at him. She said that he's her only child and that he was quite a handful. She said that he was enough for her to take care of so that was it.

  Howard asked Kenneth if he's ever been tested for intelligence. Ken said he hopes that he's actually more intelligent than most people and that's why he's so weird. Mrs. Kallenbach said she's never had him tested for intelligence. Robin said that might be best. Mrs. Kallenbach said that Ken was good in school. Ken said he got ''Straight B's.'' He said there was some talk of going to college but he never did go.

  Mrs. Kallenbach seemed like a regular, intelligent, person to him. He couldn't figure out what happened with Ken. He asked her if she ever tried to straighten Ken out by telling him to get a real job or something. Ken was acting all dopey so Howard told him that if he had done that, his father would have pulled him aside and told him to straighten up.

  Ken has a girlfriend and moved out of the house so Howard figured that was nice for Mrs. Kallenbach. Howard told Ken to tell his mom how pathetic his sex life is. He didn't get too into it though. Howard asked Ken if he ever kisses his mom. He said tis' not that kind of relationship. His mom said he does that once in a while though. Ken said she knows that he loves her.

  Howard told Ken to tell his mom about the chicks that he did have sex with. Ken said that he did have sex with chicks who weren't all that hot. He wouldn't look at his mom while he was talking about that stuff. Ken didn't think it was a big deal but Howard pointed it out and asked Mrs. Kallenbach what she thought about that. She said that he does show affection sometimes.

  Steve Grillo came in and told Howard that Ken and his girlfriend went to a sex club one night. Ken said it was a phony place and it was no big deal. He said that his girlfriend wanted to get out of there. They had some fun there and it was kind of exciting.

  Howard played some tapes of Ken doing some audition tapes trying to get a job there at K-Rock. He did some goofy song intros but tried to imitate regular DJs. Howard said that Kenneth is always going to be Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and it would be hard to pull off a job like that. Ken said that he can act and could go in and get a corporate job if he had to. He even demonstrated how he'd talk to someone interviewing him and said ''Hey, what's up?''

  Howard asked Mrs. Kallenbach why she came up with Ken. She said that Ken just wanted her to meet everyone up there. Kenneth asked Howard how what he does is different than what he's doing in his audition tape. Howard played more of his audition tape and asked him if he thinks that really sounds like him. Ken said he meant just being in the entertainment business. Howard told him he's not in the entertainment business. He wrapped up with the two of them a short time later.

• Jim Carrey Visits. 07/26/1994. 9:00am
  Howard came back from break and Gary told him to get Jim Carrey in there because he was out in the green room trading quips with Stuttering John. Howard talked about how they had Jim on the show a couple of years ago when he wasn't ''Jim Carrey'' and did him a favor. He said Jim is the guy from In Living Color and ''Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.'' He also said that he's in this new movie ''The Mask.''

  Howard called Jim a big star as he was coming in. He talked to him about how he's the biggest star out of the whole group on In Living Color. He said that Jim was like the only white guy on the show and he was made to dance at the end of the show each week and it was never real dancing. He'd always do something kind of goofy. He said that all of those guys who did concentrate on dancing aren't even in comedy anymore.

  Jim said that he didn't get any sleep last night and he never does when he's going to do this show. He said he rented an adult movie to try and take the edge off last night. Howard said he had learned a lot about Jim and found out he was hired to do this movie ''Ace Ventura'' which probably had a horrible script. He said Jim took that movie and did it for like $400,000. He said that's about the going rate for first movies. He told Jim that he did great in that movie. He didn't think that it was going to be a hit and figured it was going to flop. He said he rented it and said he laughed his ass off though.

  Howard gave the movie to his father and told him he had to see it. His father even said that the guy is funny. He took a bad movie and made it good. That's why he got paid $7 million to do his next movie. He told Jim that it wasn't the director that made that movie good, it was him. Jim eventually caved in and took credit for it. Howard thought that Jim wasn't signed on to do a sequel but Jim said that he was. He said he had to renegotiate the contract though.

  Howard said that what's going to happen now is that he's going to get all kinds of movies, even serious ones. He told Jim that he can see him doing Forrest Gump and things like that. Robin told Howard that he's going to be in Batman 3 so Howard told him to be careful with that. He said he's afraid that they don't know what they're doing with the Batman character and they could screw it up.

  Howard talked about Jim doing this movie ''Dumb and Dumber'' and that he didn't get paid all that much to do it. They had to pay him a lot more money than they thought they were going to when they asked him to do it. They thought they had him for about a million but it turned out to be 7.

  Howard asked Jim about his marriage and divorce. Jim joked that he looked over at her ass one morning and said he wanted one more hairy. Howard asked him about this piece of ass that he's dating now. No one could remember her name though. It was Lauren Holly.

  Howard read a story about Jim dating Lauren and then asked him how that all came about. He found out that Jim was still in the middle of his divorce and they have a kid. He might lose some of that big money he was making too. Jim said that he's very hard to live with because he has a lot of baggage. Howard wondered what kind of baggage he had but Jim was cracking jokes and not talking about that stuff.

  Howard told Jim that he's going to get laid a lot now that he's become this big star. He tried to find out if he got laid a lot when he was young. Jim kept joking around so Howard had to dig a little more. He found out that Jim got married very young so he wasn't getting a lot of chicks.

  Howard asked Jim what voice he was going to use for the Riddler in this Batman movie. Jim said he can't do it because the movie company would come down on him. Howard said he could do those kind of voices and did a demonstration for Jim that didn't seem to impress.

  Robin said she thinks that Jim's marriage came to an end over Jim taking out the garbage. Howard said he can see that happening. He said you can't ask a big star to take out the trash. He spent a few more minutes talking about that and about the last time Jim was on the show. He said that the last time he was on they kept him waiting an hour and rushed him out after a short interview.

  Howard asked Jim about his manager, who is actually Dennis Miller's brother, and said he'll probably dump him soon. He jokingly said that Dennis Miller's sister is Jim's maid and Dennis will be his driver as soon as HBO dumps him.

  Howard had Jim's manager come in the studio so he could talk to him about Jim's career. Howard asked him why his brother has such a bug up his ass over him. He doesn't think that's the case. Howard said that the last time Jim Carrey was there no one even wanted to talk to him. Now he's a big star and everyone wants him and Jim will eventually say goodbye to Jimmy Miller.

  Howard gave Jim a plug for ''The Mask'' which was coming out on Friday. He asked him about the other movies that he's working on and found out he's doing nothing right now. He will be working on Batman soon though. He said they're going to be doing that out in Long Beach at the Warner Brothers set. Gary told Howard that they only had about 12 minutes left with him because he had to go do other interviews.

  Gary told Howard that there's a crowd building outside the building there this morning. He said the crowd was almost as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger's was last week. Howard asked to smell Jim's hand because of all of the women he'd had. Howard smelled smoke when he took a whiff of his hand. He talked to him about Lauren Holly and asked him if his plan is to screw every one of his co-stars.

  Howard talked to Jim about the deal he has for this Batman movie and found out he has a back-end deal. He'll also have the money from the action figures they sell with his face on them. Howard said that Jim also has this new song out where he's doing this ''Cuban Pete'' character for ''The Mask.'' He played that song and found out it's number 30 on the charts. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.

• And Finally... 07/26/1994. 9:55am
  After the break Howard said he wanted to get out of there on time this morning. He said he used to go past 10 in the morning but he's now going to stop the show at 10 since he's not appreciated there. He and Robin spent a few minutes talking before she started her news. Howard was goofing around saying he stays in touch with his parents just to make sure they're still alive. He said he doesn't want their dead bodies stinking up the house if they do pass away. He said that when they do go, he wants to be able to get them out so he can sell the house.

  Howard and Robin also talked a little bit about Jim Carrey's visit before Robin got into her news stories. Howard took a call from a 12 year old kid during the news. The kid had written a song about OJ Simpson. He sang the one song for Howard and then sang a second one to the tune of the Mary Tyler Moore theme song. Howard said this kid made more sense than most of the adults who are interviewed about OJ. Howard wished the kid ''Happy Puberty'' and let him go.

  Robin continued to read through her news and Howard ended the show around 10:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - September 7, 1994. 05/15/11. 2:50pm
  This week's Master Tape Theatre was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time. Here's my rundown:

• Howard Busy Writing His Movie. 09/07/1994. 2:50pm
  Howard started the show talking about how he's in the middle of a very intense writing session for his movie. He said he's been writing his and her dialog and it's interrupting his real work. Howard said working on the movie is the most exciting thing he's ever done. He said it's really hard work because it requires concentration. He said he has to come into work though and that interrupts that writing. Howard said it's really weird. The movie is really good though. He said the first two drafts were crappy but now it's getting good.

  Howard said when you do a radio show the owner doesn't write stuff down for you to read. When you do a TV show you don't go to the people running the network and ask them for something to read. He just talks. In the movie business he had it backwards. He said you write a book or get a screenplay from someone and you want it to sound like you. He said when you sign for a movie they all get made differently. He said with his movie he wanted to adapt it to his book. He said the writer doesn't get any feedback from the person who wrote the book. He said he got involved so the writer knows how he speaks. Howard said it didn't sound like him in the first couple of drafts. He said it wasn't the story of his life and it wasn't him. He said it dawned on him that he had to get involved.

  Howard said the writer created the structure and he's creating the dialog himself. Howard said he's been holed up in a hotel working with this guy. He said they've been writing and sharing the pages. He said he's almost done with his stuff and he will make a prediction. He said it will be the biggest movie of this coming summer or the summer of next year. He said he thinks it's better than Forrest Gump. It'll be a picture that everyone will love. He said it's serious, there's a love story for the ladies that's better than Harry Met Sally. He said there's a lot of Animal House factor in there and there's a very touching ending. He said it will make Robin cry.

  Howard said he as in movie meetings over the weekend. He said he likes having the meetings. He said it's pretty cool and they're talking about promoting the movie and it's not even made yet. He said the movie will have sex in it too. He said the first two scripts just weren't him. He said he wasn't excited about it. now that they're 50 pages in it's the most exciting movie. He said it's different but he won't get into too many details.

  Howard said he was laying in bed and the movie started rolling across his eyes. He said he saw it all in his head. He said this radio program is interfering with his whole process though. Howard said he saw the whole movie already and it's all in his head. Robin said she doesn't have very good confidence in Howard's memory. Howard said on his way into work he can't even meditate even though he does that every morning. He said he has all of this stuff written down on pages and pages. He had parts of the movie all over the place.

  Howard said any director would be happy to direct this movie. He said he has an Academy Award Winner meeting today but he won't say who it is.

  Robin asked Howard if he knew what happened to her the other day. Howard said he didn't care. Robin said she went out and saw Howard's book in paperback the other day when she walked into a book store. She said she liked the way they had the book in two different sections. Howard said he didn't know it was in stores already. Robin said she was shocked. She didn't know it was imminent.

  Howard told Robin that the paperback is $6.95. He said it's almost 700 pages long and he added 64 new pages. Howard said he basically added a whole new book. They put in the movie poster and an entry blank to be in his movie. Howard said it's pretty wild. Robin said she was so shocked she ran out of the store.

  Robin said the book is the best looking book in the paperback section. Howard said he's happy about that. He said he's been so busy with the movie he didn't even know. He said he wasn't involved in that whole thing.

  Howard said when his contract is up he has some plans. Jackie told them that they have 13 months left on their current contract. Howard said he was thinking it would be great that they could cut back on their time on radio and it would make it more special. Howard said they could leave Jackie there to do the show. Howard imagined what that would be like and had Jackie talking to his wife Nancy and things like that. Howard said he was thinking they could go on any station around the dial and not just stick to one.

  Robin said they could get away from working with Jackie and Fred. Howard said that's what he was thinking too. They spent a minute goofing on Jackie about that. Howard said he had to take a break after that. Howard said he saw this whole movie flash in front of his eyes. Robin said that's the way Jackie sees his songs. Howard said ''Uh oh...''

  Howard talked about how they have Roseanne coming in today. He said he's so distracted and exited about what's going on that he can't concentrate. Howard said Roseanne might be able to play Jackie in his movie. He said he's been getting up at 4 in the morning no problem lately. He gets up and writes. He said his computer broke down and he had to call Jeff Shick and have him help him out at 4am. He said it turned out it was a battery back up that he had that failed. They went to break a short time later.

• Gary's Tie And Shirt. 09/07/1994. 3:10pm
  After the edited out break Howard came back and talked about how fired up he is about everything that's going on. He mentioned the guests they have coming in. He said he's psyched about the paperback coming out and the audio book coming out. Howard said he wasn't going to write the extra pages for the paperback but he came up with a bunch of new stuff.

  Howard said Gary is in a tie and shirt today. He said he looks more professional. He said he's been treating him much more professionally. Gary said he could tell after he made fun of him during the commercial break.

  Howard said he thinks that he looks much more professional and everyone will take him more seriously. He said his tie looks like a third tooth. He said Gary also moved to Connecticut. He's no longer living in the city.

  Howard said he and Robin ended up at a movie with Regis over vacation. Howard said Jackie was there too. He said there were so many cool things that happened. He wanted to blow off all of the commercials today and play them all tomorrow. Howard said they could do that and just play all of the commercials on one day. Howard said he'd love to be able to do that. Howard said the audience would have to sign a contract where they would have to listen to all of the commercials. He said he's on a roll and he wants to talk. They went to another break after that.

• More Movie Talk. 09/07/1994. 3:15pm
  After the edited out break Howard came back and talked more about the movie writing and how he can't stop. He said he's up every hour writing during the night. He said he sees it all in his head and has to write it down. He said he's been bummed out for the longest time and now it's all good. He said he's really happy about the way things are going. He said this movie will be the biggest in movie history. He said he'll have all of Hollywood kissing his ass.

  Howard took a call from a guy who congratulated him on the book. He said he likes the new pages in the paperback. Howard told the guy to enter the movie contest. The caller said he lives in Maryland and the contest is void in Maryland. He said he may have to move.

  Howard said he's not sure how the contest is going to work. He said they'll pick one person to be in the movie but he's not sure exactly how that will work.

  Howard told the caller to go stand in line now for this movie. He said it should be out in the spring of 1995. The caller said he can't wait.

  Howard said they have Roseanne coming in today and they've had a nasty feud going on. Robin said that Howard advised her about her marriage. Howard said he thinks she's going to come in to thank him for what he said. He said that he woke her up and now she's out of that marriage.

• Awful Morning Radio And Howard's New Hobby. 09/07/1994. 3:25pm
  Howard said he will tell the audience how they ran into Regis during vacation. He said he wants to talk about that and he has to talk about every radio station ripping their show format off. Howard said Gary was listening to some morning shows and heard how bad they were. Gary said he was listening to Z-100 and they were talking about a guy who doesn't have sex much and one of the guys said he must have ''blue balls'' and everyone in the studio freaked out. Gary said that the woman on the show told them to cut that out. They think that's what Robin does on the show so that's what they have the female do on their show.

  Howard said his latest hobby is roller blading. He said he was doing that over vacation too. He said he did it every day and he was getting pretty good at it. Ralph came over to teach him how to get better. Howard said he had a problem doing it at first. He said he went to the Princeton Ski Shop to try them out and they helped him out there. He said he was roller blading in the store. He said he asked if they had a pad for his ass. He said they told him to get Hockey thing for that.

  Howard said Ralph came over to help and he's pretty good. Howard said Ralph told him he wasn't going fast enough. He said he was having fun doing it though. Howard said he has a little hill on his driveway so Ralph told him to try it. He said he didn't want to do it but he tried it. He said he went up in the air and fell on his ass. He said he could hear bones cracking. He said he wants hockey pants to protect his ass. He told Gange to get him one.

  Howard said he hates Ralph. He said he pushed him to do the hill thing and he wasn't ready for it. Howard said Ralph is a retard. Ralph goes out and hangs on to trucks and rides along with them. Howard said he knew he was going to be trouble. Robin said she knew he was going to be trouble for Howard.

  Howard said Ralph is jealous of him. Ralph said he didn't fall that hard but he cried like a baby. Howard said he wasn't able to move his legs but Ralph just laughed at him. He told him to get out of the studio because he has too much to talk about.

• Howard Jams With The Meat Puppets. 09/07/1994. 3:30pm
  Howard said the MTV awards are happening this week. He said he was on the show a couple of years ago as Fartman and it was fine. He said it was just the one time and that was it. He's saving himself for film work now.

  Howard said he decided to take in a Stone Temple Pilots concert over vacation. He said he wanted to be cool. Howard said he went with Ralph and his friend Jonathan. Howard said this guy Theo went too. He said he was just some other guy.

  Howard said he told the record company guy he didn't want to sit in the audience. He wanted to stand on the side of the stage. He said he got to do that but it was a big hassle. He said he was standing there on the side of the stage and this guy said he was a big fan. He was in the band The Meat Puppets. He said he's heard of the band but didn't know their music. Howard said he told the guy he would like to jam with them sometime. He said he can't play guitar but he'd like to jam. Howard said he didn't know their song but the guy told him what chord they were going to start with and he would take it from there.

  Howard said he thought he saw a cute chick go out on stage with the Meat Puppets but it turned out to be a chick. He said that this guy was wearing a skirt. He said he thought she looked hot but then he turned around and it turned out to be a dude.

  Howard said the band performed and they got to their last song and he just walked out to play with them. He said the crowd went wild. He said they were throwing people around and he was jamming with the band. Howard said he doesn't even know what song it was they were performing. Tom Chiusano said that his son was there and it was very cool. Howard said the guy in the Meat Puppets told him he had never heard anything that bad.

  Howard said he didn't have a pick to play with so he played with his fingers and made himself bleed. He said he had fun doing it but he's not sure if they even had his guitar turned on.

  Howard said he spoke to the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots. He said he'll be coming on the show this week. He said that they're in town for the MTV awards.

  Ralph came in and said that it was very cool to see Howard up on stage. He said it was working. Howard said he was up there with the bass player jamming and he doesn't even know those guys. He said he was having fun doing it though. Howard said this all happened spontaneously. He said they didn't have any cameras there. Robin thought they were going to have it on E! tonight.

  Howard said he was getting all angry at his instrument and slamming it down. He said he handed off the guitar to a guy and he ended up hugging the guy who took it. He said he got lost in the whole thing.

  Howard said that was pretty exciting. He said he wanted to jam with the Stone Temple Pilots but they didn't ask him to come up. He said they were incredible though. He said the drummer was really good. He said he never raves about a drummer unless it's Lars from Metallica. He had a good time there.

  Ralph said that he missed the party after. Howard said he had to go home. Howard said Ralph was so high too. He said he wasn't sharing whatever substance it was he was using. Howard said he was really out of it and just wasted. He got into his car and he asked where he wanted to be dropped off. Howard said Ralph was high as a kite so he didn't know where he wanted to go.

  Gary told Howard he was playing ''Lake of Fire'' with the band. Howard said he liked whatever song it was. He asked if they have their album there. Fred tried to find their album so Howard could play it. Howard said maybe he'll play along on a guitar. Robin wanted to hear that.

  Howard said Ralph went to this after party for the band and this guy, Scott Weiland, from Stone Temple Pilots was wearing a mini skirt. Ralph said it was like a metallic skirt. Howard said he thinks that he's one of those guys who wants to prove that homosexuality doesn't make him uptight. Howard said some dude jumped up on stage and Scott started kissing him. He said it was bumming him out for a minute. He wanted him to mellow out with that.

  Howard asked Ralph what Scott was wearing on his feet. Ralph said he had regular shoes on. Howard wondered why he would wear a skirt to a party like that. He said no one is going to see it like they would on stage. Howard talked about the other guy he saw wearing the skirt and how it made the guy look fat. Ralph said he didn't see that guy at the party. Robin said they should all try wearing women's clothing there on the show. Howard said Ralph wouldn't have a problem with that since the homosexual activity doesn't seem so far off for him.

  Howard said they have a bunch of guests coming in today. He said that Jim Brown didn't show up. Gary said he should be there any second. Howard said he must be on CPT. They went to break a short time later.

• Jim Brown Visits. 09/07/1994. 3:55pm
  After the break Howard came back and said that Gary told him about the guy who is on trial in Cleveland for the wire cutting incident. He said he's going to keep a low profile and not talk about that.

  Howard said he was elected the nationally syndicated personality of the year for Billboard. Howard said those award shows are the worst because they have people from tiny markets around the country showing up. Howard said he's not surprised he won since there isn't anyone out there that can compete against him.

  Howard said he can't go to accept this award since he's in the middle of this film writing thing. He said they should send Elephant Boy to accept on his behalf.

  Howard said Jim Brown is a former football player and he's been on TV a lot lately. Howard had Jim come in and talk about the OJ case and things like that. Howard pointed out he's wearing this koofi hat and it's a scary thing to see out on the street. He said that's the hat that scares white guys. Howard said it scares him because it's so African. Howard asked if his head ever gets cold. Jim said that hat keeps his bald spot warm. Howard said the hat looks attractive.

  Howard talked about some of the records Jim had in football and how angry he will get when someone beats his records. Howard said he's seem him getting angry on TV. Jim said there are some strange records and they keep track of them in a weird way. He said he played 12 games and they play 16 now so it's not fair to compare them.

  Howard said he didn't want to talk to Jim without a hat like his on. He told Gary to go get him one. Jim gave him his and let him try that on. He tried it on but thought he looked like Jughead.

  Howard asked Jim about the OJ thing and said he heard he said that OJ was a dick years ago. Jim said he liked OJ because he would tell the truth behind the scenes. He said that he would tell him what he was going to do with his money and things like that. He said he thinks that the black community reaches out for any black man that's in trouble so that's what's going on with him right now. He said he hopes that he would confess if he did do the murders. He said that would be the right thing to do.

  Howard said they found his glove there and all of that. Jim said he thinks that it's something they have no idea about. Robin asked about the note he wrote. Jim said he thinks it was very open and it did the opposite of what it was supposed to do and it worked in a very negative way.

  Howard said he didn't have too much time with Jim since he was running late. He said that Roseanne was there and he had to get to her. Howard asked Jim about his career and pointed out some of his accomplishments.

  Howard asked Jim how many women he's nailed. Jim didn't have any numbers. Howard asked if he's had white women. Jim said he has had a few. Howard said Robin was trying to slip Jim her number. Robin told him to stop it.

  Howard asked if he's had any famous women. Jim said he has. He didn't say who they were. Howard asked if he had Yoko or Hillary Clinton. Jim said he didn't have them. He said he had more unpopular women. Howard asked about a few other women and Jim didn't have them either. Howard asked if he had OJ's wife before she died. Jim said he didn't. Jim said he would tell them if he had a woman if he came up with a name. Howard didn't have any others. Howard had to wrap up with Jim a short time later since he had Roseanne there.

• Roseanne Barr Visits. 09/07/1994. 4:10pm
  After the edited out break Howard came back and said it was the time that everyone was waiting for. Roseanne Barr was there. Howard said he was surprised when Tom Arnold came on the show and now Roseanne is there.

  Howard had the guys bring her in. He said this is pretty funny. He said tomorrow they'll probably have Ted Kennedy in and Kathie Lee can't be far off. Roseanne asked for an ashtray since she was smoking. Howard said he didn't know she smoked. Howard asked Alan Steven how he hooked up with Roseanne. He said that Alan came in with her and he did the same thing with Sam Kinison years ago. Roseanne said that they've been friends for a long time.

  Howard told Alan that he's very protective of her and he's forbidden from dating her. Howard told Roseanne to forget the cigarettes. She said he makes her nervous so she has to smoke. Howard told her not to be nervous. He said she's worth 500 million dollars so she can't be nervous. Roseanne said she used to have a lot of money but not right now. Howard said maybe she's saying that so Tom doesn't get that kind of money when he comes after her. Roseanne said it's not like that. She really isn't worth that kind of money.

  Howard said he knows that he has a lot of women that are after him for his money and that's why he stays married.

  Howard told the guys to bring in Roseanne's cigarettes before she has a kiniption. Howard said he thought that Roseanne's first husband really loved her. She said they're very good friends right now. Howard said the guy loved her and now she has to be more on guard. He said Tom Arnold came around and he's very shaky and nervous like he's all coked up all the time.

  Howard asked about where she used to listen to his show when she'd freak out over what he was saying. She said they would get the transcripts of the show. She said Tom was the one who would get them. Roseanne said they would read them and she thought they were funny a lot of the time. She said that she thought they were amusing but she would have some rage about them too. Howard said he liked that she would say stuff about him in the paper. Roseanne said that she doesn't hold any of that against him.

  Roseanne said that Alan would tell her that it was just radio and he was probably a good person in real life.

  Howard said he didn't believe that Roseanne could forget that she was molested as a child. Roseanne said that's a very common thing. Howard said Fred remembers being very crowded as a sperm. Howard had Fred tell that story to Roseanne. Fred started to tell the story but Howard told Fred he was scaring Roseanne so he should stop now.

  Howard asked if there is a truce between them now. Roseanne said yes. Howard said he never understood the Tom and Roseanne relationship. He said he never felt that he was right for her.

  Howard asked what Alan told Roseanne about Tom. Roseanne said she lost a lot of friends because of that relationship and now they're coming back so she loves it. She said it's great to have those friends back now.

  Howard asked when it dawned on Roseanne that Tom wasn't right for her. She didn't get a chance to answer. She said she has a really good boyfriend right now. Howard asked if she uses all three inputs. Roseanne didn't hear the question at first. Howard said he likes it when a woman has all three inputs available. Roseanne said she refuses to answer that. She said she's very happy. That's all she'll say.

  Howard asked about Tom but Roseanne said she didn't want to talk about him. She'd have to give him more money if she did.

  Howard and Alan talked about working with Sam Kinison too. Howard said the guy was very funny and they had a lot of fun. Roseanne said she and Sam had a close relationship. Howard asked if she slept with him. She didn't say. She would only say that they were very close.

  Howard said he would like to read about Roseanne's relationship with Sam. She said she quickly found out that he wasn't monogamous. She said that's why she stayed married.

  Howard said he would like to be on Roseanne's show. He would like to knock her up on the show. She said she's already pregnant on the show this season. That wouldn't work. Howard said they could do a flashback and have him come in and get her pregnant.

  Howard asked Roseanne if she thinks this new guy is really in love with her. She said she thinks he is. His name is Ben. Howard had them bring Ben in for a visit. Howard spent a minute talking to them about how they met. Roseanne said that she would get home at like 10 or 11 at night and she'd take him out shopping. She said they went shopping for like 10 hours a day.

  Howard asked how the whole divorce thing works where she has to pay Tom. She has to pay him $100,000 a month. Howard said that's crazy. Roseanne said that she's over the whole Tom thing. Howard said he's never going to leave his wife. He said Roseanne should have signed a pre-nup. He said they should sign one now between Ben and Roseanne. He wrote one up real quick and had Ben sign it. Howard said he had to take a break and then get back to Roseanne and Ben.

  Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Roseanne and Ben before going to break. He also took a call from a guy who was upset with Howard for saying that he was in Vietnam. He was upset with Roseanne for screwing up the National Anthem too. He said he was shaking from thinking about that. That led to Howard talking about his tour in Vietnam. He was talking about how much he hates the gooks and how he collected ears and made necklaces out of them.

  The caller went off on Roseanne about making fun of the National Anthem. Roseanne said she was just goofing around. He thought she was another Jane Fonda but Howard didn't think that's what it was. He said he had to go to break after hanging up on that guy and calling him a moron. Howard said it was a day of reconciliation and a new year for them.

  Robin asked about the girl on the show who had slept with a producer. Roseanne didn't even know how Robin found out about that. Robin said she finds out about a lot of things.

  Roseanne said her kids were very happy that she was going on the show today. She said they should be listening to it right now. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard went to break a short time later.

  After the break Howard came back with Roseanne and Ben. He said that she's in town to host the MTV awards. Howard asked Roseanne if she would ever get back together with Tom. She said she really can't talk about him. She can't talk about them getting back together for a short time.

  Howard asked Roseanne about her multiple personalities and said he thinks he might have some too. Roseanne said she has a few. Howard asked Ben which one he's with when they have sex. Ben said he does them all.

  Howard asked Roseanne about masturbating and who pops into her head when she's doing it. She said she has very personal fantasies that she'd rather not talk about. Howard asked if it has to be someone she personally knows. She said it doesn't. Howard said he has to think about a woman he knows so he can have a story in the fantasy.

  Howard asked Roseanne who she thinks about. She said it's usually a crowd of men and it's her doing things to them. She said she might be cutting them or something like that. Howard asked if they're all coming into a different entrance. She said she's just a normal human being. Howard asked if she has a vibrator. Roseanne said she doesn't have one. Howard said his wife has a bag of goodies that they use.

  Howard talked to Roseanne about how she and Ben got together. Roseanne wanted him to move on to other things though. She told him to get off of that and just move on.

  Roseanne told Howard about how nice it turned out to be with Ben. She didn't get into too many specifics though. Howard tried to find out how exactly things went down but she wasn't talking. Roseanne tired to demonstrate how they were sitting watching TV and how she bit him. Howard let her do that but told her not to bite so hard. Howard had her kiss him to demonstrate it too. Howard said he was aroused after that. Roseanne said she had a boner too.

  Howard said Roseanne is a good kisser. He said he never thought he'd see that. He said he had an accident in his pants. Roseanne said that he popped in his pants and so did she.

  Howard asked if Roseanne is loving in bed. Ben said she's very active and that's all he can say. He said she's a 10 in bed.

  Howard found out that Roseanne is on Prozac so he asked what that's like. She said it's terrible actually. She said it makes you think that unbearable things are bearable. Howard asked if it would make him think it was okay when Fred has no bits written for him in a writing session. Roseanne said she's not sure.

  Howard said that this is a big day in all their lives. He said he noticed that it was hard for her to look at him when they kissed. Roseanne said it was just hard to look up at him.

  Howard asked Ben if he thinks about Roseanne as a person or as a big celebrity. Ben said she's really just a person. Roseanne said he really doesn't care about that celebrity thing. She said she likes that. Howard told Jackie that's what he should feel too.

  Howard asked Roseanne if she will go see ''True Lies'' since Tom is in it. Roseanne said she won't go see it. She got in a plug for her own movie though. She said she did a movie with Lily Tomlin and Harvey Keitel. She said she didn't get to work with Lily but she had fun doing the movie. She said she got to improv a lot of dialog with Harvey. She said she's not sure if the movie will ever come out but it's called ''Blue in the Face.''

  Howard let Roseanne get in some plugs for her TV show and talked to her about Ted Harbert since he went to college with him. Howard said Ted didn't know anything when he was in college with him. He's not sure how he knows anything now.

  Howard mentioned that Sandra Bernhard is in her TV show now and spent a minute talking to her about that. Howard asked Ben if his arousal goes up when Roseanne's ratings go up. Howard started to wrap up with Roseanne a short time later. She asked to see his eyes without the sunglasses on. Howard took them off and showed off his blue eyes. Roseanne said she liked that and thought he looked like one side of her family. Roseanne and Howard spent a couple more minutes talking before they wrapped up and went to break.

• Faxes, Phone Calls And More. 09/07/1994. 5:20pm
  After the edited out break Howard came back and said he was promising to get off the air on time after vacation. He said they're already running late. He said he had some faxes that came in about Roseanne. He said that some people might want to talk about that too. Howard read through a few faxes about the appearance and they were pretty positive. Howard said it was unbelievable. Howard said there was one that said he was kissing too much ass. He said that one said his teeth were brown from kissing so much ass.

  Howard took a call from a guy (Me!) who said the interview was great. Howard said he felt it was great too. He took some more calls and let some people comment on that interview.

  One caller said that he shouldn't have run for governor. Howard said he put himself up and didn't know they were going to bust his balls on everything. The caller said he can't believe he's concerned with what his fans think. Howard said he doesn't care. He said that he does the show and he does it so well that he has fans that follow him. Howard went off on that caller and yelled at him for a minute.

  Howard said he had to take another break before getting to the news. They went to break a short time later.

• Robin's News. 09/07/1994. 5:30pm
  After the break Howard came back and had Robin read some news. Robin read about some guys who were going around shooting people and stealing their cars. They were captured after some tipsters told the cops about them. Robin said they were calling them ''Natural Born Killers'' based on the movie of the same name. One was 22 and the other was 16.

  Robin read about the OJ Simpson case and how they found more blood. They say that there was more on the Bronco than originally believed. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Howard said he doesn't get why people want to hold on to him after he killed two people. He said it's a sick society we live in.

  Robin read about Marion Barry running for mayor again. Howard said the guy was arrested for using coke. He said that they must be self destructive down there. Howard said there's a lot of people in the black community who respect criminal behavior. He said he's never seen anything like it. Dominic Barbara called in to talk about some stuff. Howard spent a few minutes talking to him.

  Robin read about a woman who fled from a burning house naked. She claimed she was held hostage as a sex slave and she burned herself out of the house. That led to the guys doing their Dominic impressions and had him joking about that story. Robin read about how this woman was abducted when her car broke down.

  Robin read a story about Marlon Brando writing a book. Howard wondered who even cares about him anymore.

  Robin read about a new book about Princess Grace. She said that book says she had mood swings and her weight gain made her very hard to deal with.

  Robin read about Shirley McClain claiming that she predicted an earthquake out in California. Robin said she claims that the next big one is due in November 1995. All of the guys in the studio were still doing their Dominic impressions and making up lame jokes that Dominic might tell if he were in there.

  Robin read a story about Seventeen magazine and some of the stuff they tell girls to do to get guys. She had some of the stuff they've said in years past. Robin had some newer stuff like where they tell girls not to lose their virginity.

  Robin read about a high school that had to put some anti-hazing policies in effect after some girls had urinated on other students. Howard said he would kill to see that. He said that's a turn on. He said maybe they just can't aim good and they missed. Robin read some of the details of that story and Howard asked what's wrong with it if the girls are consenting. Robin said they weren't consenting, that's the problem. They were being harassed.

  Robin wrapped up her news and Howard went to break so he could finish up the commercials. Howard came back after the edited out break and said he wasn't excited about this movie he's working on until they did some rewrites. Howard said he's really looking forward to it now though. He said it will do better than Forrest Gump. Howard said it's going to do great and do $75 million in popcorn alone. He said the script is great and they're only 50 percent done. He said he's going to hear some thoughts on it this week and he'll know what's going on with it. He said they just want to talk a little bit. He said he's a big fan of this director but he won't say who it is. Robin asked if it was Oliver Stone. Howard said he wouldn't want Oliver after that mess he saw the other day.

  Robin wondered why they came back on a Wednesday. Howard said he doesn't know. He said they ran out of vacation days. He said if they had taken the whole week off he would have finished the movie. Howard said he has some things he wants to do with the movie and turn his father's clips into songs and stuff like that. He wants a rap group to take his father's clips and turn them into a rap song for the end of the movie. Howard played some ''Boys of Summer'' to end the show.

• Master Tape Theatre - September 19, 1994. 02/27/11. 2:55pm
  This week's Master Tape Theatre was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time. Here's my rundown:

• Howard Nominated For Radio Award. 09/19/1994. 2:55pm
  Show opening bits and songs included: A prank call to a TV talk show, Robin singing on Stuttering John's album isolated, Alice Cooper performing ''I'm Eighteen'' live in the Howard Stern Show studio, Ben Stern ''Testing for proper modulation'' audio clip, an unidentified intro for Howard Stern.

  Howard started the show by taking a break. After the edited out break he came back and talked about the air in the studio finally working. He said it was much nicer in there. Robin asked how things are going with the movie. Howard said they're still working on the script and changing things around. He said the scenes are all very funny though.

  Howard said he was depressed all weekend. He said he's just burned out. Howard asked Gary what they had to do. He said he had like a million things to get to.

  Gary told Howard that he's been nominated for another radio award from the NAB. He said that it's the Marconi award and he's been nominated. He said he'd have to attend the awards show though. Howard said he's not a good loser so he's not sure he'd want to be there if he's not going to win. Gary told Howard they have some other people nominated like Rick Dees and Don Imus. Howard went off on those two. Gary said they also have Bob Kingsley. Howard didn't know who he was. Gary said there are a few others like Tom Joyner. Howard goofed on him about the way he used to fly back and forth to do his two shows.

  Gary thought about sending Doug Bady out to accept his award. Howard said they could do that. Howard said he's sick of the awards shows. He's sick of the people in the industry too. He said that he'd like to go to a radio award show where they have people he cares about. None of these people are like that. He goofed on Imus about his old duck noises and said that he ripped off his act. He said his company hired him and then syndicated him across the country. Howard said he hates this industry.

  Howard goofed on Imus some more and said he's looking like a woman these days. He said he looks like an old woman. He said the guy is such a jerk and a freak.

  Howard said he was reading about the Emmy's being announced soon. He wondered if he would be up for one. Robin didn't think they would be for what he was talking about. Howard said that he thought the TV show could get a nomination.

• Cleveland Wire Cutting Case, Phone Calls And More. 09/19/1994. 3:10pm
  Howard said that dude who cut the wires on them in Cleveland has plead guilty. He said there's some kind of mystery document in the case. He read an article about the case where they talked about that document. He said they have some names of people who apparently told him what to do in the wire cutting. Howard had some issues with his headphones so he flipped out and said he just had a crummy weekend so he's sick of it. He said sometimes work is better than being at home. Robin asked about that and Howard said it's not like she thinks it is.

  Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about the case. it's not going to be covered on Court TV. Howard said they apparently didn't think it was interesting enough.

  Howard took a call from a guy who didn't have much to say. He moved on to another one after that. The next caller was talking about seeing Howard's paperback and how he had a tough decision trying to pick the left or right side. Howard said that's what he wanted. Howard said it was funny because he had the cover separated into four. He said you put the two together and it makes one picture. He said he put in 65 new pages and a movie poster in there too.

  The caller told Howard he could do better than Gary at his job. Howard said people always call in and say that and they're probably right. Howard said Gary doesn't even know how to use their computer system and he refuses to learn. Gary said that's not true.

  Gary told Howard that their first guest is there already. Howard spent a little more time talking about Gary and how he found him. He said that he just happened to be there at NBC and he came in looking for a job and he gave it to him. He interviewed him for like 90 seconds. Gary said it was quick and it just happened to work out.

  Gary told Howard about how he had ''neighed '' an intern at NBC once. Howard asked Gary where he learned to talk and why he said ''neighed .'' They spent a minute talking about that before Howard moved on. Howard let the caller go after that.

• Danny Glover Visits. 09/19/1994. 3:20pm
  Howard said that they had a big time actor stopping by this morning. Howard knew who it was but Robin didn't. Howard said that Robin has to know. Robin said she actually did. Howard said he had to take a break before he brought the guest in. Howard said the guy is responsible for some big money at the box office.

  After the edited out break Gary said the guest was in the bathroom. He said they had to wait a little bit because he had been in there a while. Howard said he won't be shaking this guy's hand. Howard said it's Danny Glover who is coming in. Howard said he was his hero in that movie ''The Color Purple'' where he slapped Whoopi Goldberg around.

  Howard and Robin killed some time talking about the deaf Miss America that was on. Danny Glover came in a short time later.

  Howard talked to Danny about the movies he's been in and went over a bunch of those. Howard talked about being in The Color Purple with Whoopi Goldberg. Howard also talked about working with Mel Gibson in the Lethal Weapon movies and asked if he saw anything weird going on with him. Danny said there was nothing that he saw. Howard asked if he got to go to his house. Danny said he didn't. Howard said that's kind of weird. Danny said he has been to his house but you just go to his house and it's no big deal.

  Howard said Danny was there to promote something. He was there to talk about illiteracy in the country and how they're trying to help. Howard said that Fred is one of those guys. Howard said he can read but he's not good at athletics. Howard asked Robin to spell some words. Robin was able to do it. Howard asked Danny how he's going to help with the illiteracy thing. Danny said he in Nashville where he saw an 80 year old man learning to read. He said that guy made it through life even though he couldn't read. Danny said he knows of a contractor who can't even read. He talked to Howard about that guy and said he really cares about this. Danny had minor dyslexia so he had trouble reading himself. He said he had to learn to get around it. He said they thought he was retarded when he was a kid, just like Howard.

  Howard said there was one point when Danny was out boycotting grapes and Stuttering John went out and interviewed him. Howard had the audio of that interview where John asked him about the boycott. John asked Danny if he thinks Mike Tyson should be caged. Danny said no to that and told him that was an absurd question. John also asked him if he thinks the Pope is the antichrist. Danny said he was out there talking about boycotting grapes and not about this other stuff. Gary said that was John's first ever interview. Howard goofed on John's stutter for a minute. Fred also did his impression of John for a few seconds.

  Howard asked Danny if he's making over a million doing movies. Danny wasn't saying. Howard said he must be getting paid very well.

  Howard said Danny seems to be a very serious man. He said that he must be planning to run for office some day. Danny said he's not looking to do that. Howard said he is very serious though and he must have some fancy friends. He said Whoopi is one. He asked if he thinks he'll be invited to her wedding. Danny said he's not sure he'll be around.

  Danny told Howard about this illiteracy hotline that people can call. He said that they're looking for teachers and for anyone who wants help. Howard said Robin might have time to help with that. Howard said he has no time himself though.

  Howard asked Danny if he can't read, how is he supposed to call. Danny said they'll refer you to a local literacy program in your area.

  Howard asked Danny what big stars he's had to his house. He mentioned Alfre Woodard and Howard said he had no idea who that was. Howard wanted some cool names. Danny mentioned Sidney Poitier who is a good friend of his.

  Howard asked if he's still having sex a few times a day. Danny said he's happy. Howard said he has to take care of himself every night. He said he's 40 years old and he's willing to admit he still does it. Danny almost said something but he kept his mouth shut.

  Howard recapped and went over some of the stuff that they had gone over with Danny. Then Danny mentioned that he likes country music and Howard found that very hard to believe. Danny said that he likes the music but he wasn't able to name a song or an album that he liked. Howard wrapped up with Danny a short time later.

• Shadoe Stevens Calls In. 09/19/1994. 4:10pm
  After the break Howard had Shadoe Stevens on the phone. Howard said he likes Shadoe. He said he did Hollywood Squares one time and the show got very popular again when Shadoe was announcing. Howard said he did the show as a goof but it turned out to be a goof on him. He said Shadoe was the host at the time and John Davidson was out. He said that no one knew who he was at the time. He said that everyone saw him come out and they just died when they saw him. He said no one playing the game chose him either. He said he got chosen just 3 times. He said the producer cut all of his answers. He said he called the producer and yelled at him about that. Howard said this is all coming back to him like a bad dream. Howard said they used to have a ''lucky celebrity'' in the game and they never did make him that celebrity. Howard said Shadoe tried to help him out with that but it didn't work very well.

  Howard said Shadoe was very nice to him and very gracious. He said he made him very comfortable on Hollywood Squares. Most people wouldn't do that. Howard said that he really did appreciate that.

  Howard asked Shadoe if they canned him over at ABC. Shadoe was about to answer but he said good morning instead. Howard ended up explaining how Shadoe took over the countdown show out there from Casey Kasem. Shadoe said the show got to be huge around the world but ABC had an attitude and they didn't like him. He said they just wanted him to do the countdown and not joke around or anything in the show. He said they sucked the personality out of the show. Howard asked if they canceled it. Shadoe said that they canceled the show out of the blue after not supporting them for years. Howard said it sounds like he's trying to distance himself from the horrible stench of the show. Howard said he's on his side in all of this.

  Howard asked Shadoe how his wife is doing. He said she must have some nice booty juice. Howard said she used to be there at Hollywood Squares and she had a beautiful face. He said her skin was beautiful too. Howard said she's not as black as Wesley Snipes. He said she's the color of Cafe Ole. Shadoe said she's part Indian. Howard said he thinks she could pass for Polynesian.

  Howard asked Shadoe if that was his first marriage. Shadoe said he was married to two other women and they were the screaming and fist through the wall types. Shadoe told Howard how he met his current wife at the bank. Howard asked if he got booty juice the first night. Shadoe said that it didn't happen that quickly. He said he dated her for about a year before marrying her.

  Howard said Shadoe was calling in to promote a show called ''Dave's World'' with Harry Anderson. They spent a minute promoting that show.

  Howard said it's just a slight setback that he's not the host of America's Top 40. Shadoe said that it was a very unsatisfying experience for years. He said he had a memo where they were complaining about the way he was talking about some of the songs he would play. Howard gave Shadoe another plug and then let him go. Howard said the guy was always nice to him so he rewards him by talking about his wife's booty juice and about how he lost his job on that top 40 show.

  Howard said they have Melissa Gilbert coming in today. Gary told Howard that the publicist told them not to talk about her engagement to Bruce Boxleitner. They went to break a short time later.

• Deaf Miss America Audio Clips. 09/19/1994. 4:25pm
  After the break Howard came back and said he had to play some audio from the Miss America press conference. He had to hear this deaf Miss America. Howard did his impression of what she sounds like before he played the clip.

  Howard listened to some of the audio of the deaf woman and Billy West did an impression of her saying she sounded like someone from the Margaret Cho show. Robin read about the contestant and said she knew she'd win just based on the fact that she's deaf.

  Howard played more of the audio and said that they should have her on the show with Elephant Boy and Stuttering Vic. Howard and Billy were both doing their impressions of the woman.

• Melissa Gilbert Visits. 09/19/1994. 4:30pm
  Gary told Howard that Melissa Gilbert was there. Howard told him to bring her in. Melissa was wearing pants so Howard asked if she could wear more clothes. He told her to take her pants off and just sit there in her jacket.

  Howard asked about the earrings she had. He asked where they came from. Melissa said they were from her ex-fiancee. Howard said they were told they can't talk to her about Bruce Boxleitner. She said she doesn't talk much about him. Howard said he could tell that he wasn't right for her. Howard said that Melissa pretends to have a goody two shoes kind of image but she doesn't have that. He said that she's actually on fire sexually and things like that. Howard said Bruce was like a father to her and it was like her being with her dad. He knew it wasn't going to work. He hoped it wouldn't work and it didn't.

  Howard asked Melissa about this new show she's in and talked to her about going on Regis and Kathie Lee after his show. Howard told her to mention his name and Kathie Lee will start to cry. Billy West did an impression of Kathie Lee crying.

  Howard said he couldn't stand that Bruce was banging her. He asked if he did everything to her. Melissa didn't day. Howard said the guy was so straight. He said Melissa is so full of life that she shouldn't settle.

  Howard said it looked like Melissa wasn't wearing a bra. He wanted to pull her strap to find out. She wasn't up for that. Howard asked what she and Bruce used to do for fun. She said they would go horse back riding and go to the beach and things like that. Howard asked if she would wear a bikini. She said she would. Howard asked if he gave it to her on the beach. Melissa just cleared her throat like she wasn't comfortable with the discussion.

  Howard had Fred set the scene with some audio clips. Howard did his Johnny Carson impression as if he was watching over the beach.

  Howard said this new series Melissa is in is getting good reviews. He said his wife was watching it and liked it.

  Howard asked if Melissa hates Bruce now. She said she still talks to him once in a while. Howard said that he knew it wasn't going to work out. She said he did. Howard said he just wasn't right for her. Howard said he had to take a break after that.

  After the edited out break Howard came back with Melissa and asked her about acting and how hard it is to learn all of that legal stuff for the series she's in. She said it's not that hard to learn. She has no problem doing it. Howard told her to give him some of that dialog. She said she knew he was going to do that to her. She gave him some of her lines and Fred played the Perry Mason theme song as they were talking about it.

  Howard asked Melissa if she wanted to be in his movie ''Private Parts.'' She asked what they'd pay. Howard said it would probably be next to nothing.

  Howard asked Melissa to take her jacket off. She did that for him. Howard told her to take off her shirt and pants after that. She didn't want to do that. Howard said she looks good after having a kid. She said that he's 5 years old now. Howard asked if he goes around telling everyone who his mom is. She said he doesn't. Howard said he will eventually. He said that he used to tell people that Dan Rather was his father just to pick up chicks. Howard said the kid is going to be bringing home all kinds of chicks. She said he's a handsome kid so that's probably going to happen.

  Howard asked what kind of schedule Melissa has. She told Howard about how early she gets up and how she works all day long. She said they shoot long scenes too. She told Howard that she's able to remember huge pages of dialog pretty easy too. She said she's been doing it so long that it gets easier.

  Howard asked Melissa about what her sex life was like when she was with Bruce. She said that it was good. She said she hasn't gotten it in about a month. Howard asked if she takes it into her own hands now. She didn't answer. Howard asked if she has ever thought about having sex with him. She said no. Howard said she's lying.

  Howard said Bruce is a strange looking guy so she must dig weird looking dudes. She didn't think that Bruce was weird looking. Howard said he had him on the show like 10 years ago. He thought he was kind of dumb.

  Howard asked Melissa what she sleeps in. She said it was boxers and a t-shirt and Howard said that's easy access. Fred played a boner sound effect a few times during that discussion.

  Howard asked Melissa more about working on this TV series and what that's like. He said it looks like it's a hit. She said that it looks good.

  Howard asked if she cried when she broke up with Bruce. She said she did. Howard said he'd love to make her cry. He asked why she broke up with him. Was it because he wasn't good in bed? She said that wasn't it at all. Howard said he must be hung like a moose. He said he does look like a manly man. He said he might be too manly for her. He said he looks like a dad to her.

  Howard asked if she cried in bed after sex. She said that she would. Howard said she might need therapy. Fred played some porn audio and Howard said that was Melissa in bed. She said that was very interesting.

  Howard said Melissa will get over Bruce soon enough. He said she'll have a lot of fun after that. Howard told her he'll give her a child if she wants another one.

  Howard gave Melissa some more plugs for her TV show and told everyone to watch. He said she's very proud of this show. He asked if he could hug her goodbye. She said of course he could. He asked where he should kiss her. Melissa said that Howard just reminded him of something. She said that Howard was dissing one of her friend's wife. She explained who it was. Howard asked if he could kiss her. He figured she was repulsed by him. She said she wasn't.

  Howard got his hug from Melissa. He said he was going to pull her bra strap too. He did that and said that she's got a skinny little bra but big boobs. She said she's a B-cup. Howard said he figured they were a C at least. He wrapped up and went to break after that.

• Howard's Mail Bag. 09/19/1994. 5:05pm
  After the break Howard said he had a lot to get to. He took a call from a guy who said he thought he'd be interested in this new comic book about OJ. He said he figured Howard would be into that. Howard asked how old the guy is. He said he's 25 so Howard said maybe he should stop reading so many comic books. He said that he likes comic books but not an OJ comic book. Howard took another call from a guy who didn't have anything to say. Howard hung up on him.

  Howard read a letter he got from a guy who was talking about getting black people at the concerts in the city and using the N-word to describe them. The guy said that the way to keep them out of concerts there in the city is to keep the ticket prices high. The guy used the N-word over and over again in the letter.

  Howard said that was from their mail bag. He said he also got a letter from a woman who has learned how to urinate in men's urinals. Howard read that letter and the woman said that she read about how to do this in the back of Cosmo magazine. She told Howard about this ad she found and about the thing she uses to go in those urinals. Howard read that ad and told Robin about that too.

• Steven Tyler And Joe Perry Call In. 09/19/1994. 5:10pm
  Gary came in and told Howard he had Steven Tyler on the phone. He said he also had Joe Perry on the line. Howard picked up on them and said they are the two most important members of Aerosmith. Joe said that he heard Robin talking about the urinal thing. Howard said that their drummer, Joey, apparently doesn't like him. He said that Joe and Steven are the guys who carry the band though. Steven said that it pisses them off when they hear Howard saying that. they've been together for 20 years now. Howard said he likes the guys in the band but Joe and Steven are the guys that go out and do the interviews.

  Howard said he loves the band but he didn't go to see them at Jones Beach because he doesn't want to be there if Joey is mad at him. He asked Steven if they're still friends. Steven said ''Yes we are.'' He said he did get mad at Howard the night he saw him. He said that Howard had ripped a hole in Big Mike and he was just standing up for those guys.

  Howard said that he was talking about the Rolling Stones the other day and he was saying that Charlie Watts is up there in a suit and tie and he's not looking cool like the rest of the band. He said that he would kick him in the ass and tell him to work on that. Howard said Charlie is sitting there like a jerk and not trying that hard. Joe said that he sounds great though.

  Howard said the Stones are playing their old crap but Aerosmith is playing new songs. He said that they know what they're doing with the new music. Howard said the Stones aren't doing that.

  Howard asked Steven what he thinks about that. Steven said he has such a love for the Stones that he can't talk about them the way Howard is.

  Howard asked how much they're getting laid on the road. Joe just asked Robin how she was doing. Howard said he would like to go see their shows but he doesn't want to get beat up by Joey.

  Steven and Joe said they saw Stuttering John at a show but he wasn't stuttering so they didn't recognize him. Howard told the guys about the stories Chip Z'nuff told them about being with Madonna. He claimed that he had taken a number one on her.

  Howard said he's glad that the guys are on his side. Steven said that they have to just keep on keeping on. Howard asked if he could quote him on that. The guys told Howard they're putting out a greatest hits album and they're going to put two new songs on that. Howard said these guys are good and he doesn't want any bad blood between them. Howard let them go a short time later.

• Robin's News. 09/19/1994. 5:20pm
  Howard moved on to talk about some news with Robin. Howard and Robin were going over what was going on in Haiti. Howard said he's not sure why we're not invading Mexico. He said we have to invade a lot of countries. He said they should be doing that. He said it's enough already with everyone coming there. Robin said keeping people out of the country isn't going to solve every problem. Howard said that it would. Howard said he had to take a break after that.

  After an edited out break Howard came back and said that he had gone so long with the show that he was running out of time for Stuttering Vic and Stuttering John. He said he will have to get to them and all of the other stuff he has tomorrow. Howard said they ran a little long today.

  Robin got into some more news and read more about Haiti and what was going on over there. Robin had some audio of President Clinton talking about how there was no invasion of Haiti.

  Howard asked what happened on Superman on Sunday night. He said he missed it. Robin told him about the show and how Lois Lane was dressed up in a very figure fitting outfit and she ended up fighting with herself as she was playing another woman.

  Robin read more about Haiti and played more audio of President Clinton. Howard said it's tough listening to him with that voice of his. Robin had some audio of the leader in Haiti that Billy West was doing an impression of.

  Robin read about OJ Simpson going back to court. She had some details about that. Robin said they're going to ask that the murder charges be thrown out. Howard said the judge already said no. It's like they're whining. Howard asked if anyone believes that he's innocent other than black people. Robin said there was a story about all of the support he has around the country and there are apparently a lot of people who think he's innocent.

  Robin read that there are reports that Tawny Kitaen used to have sex with OJ 5 nights a week when they were together.

  Robin read about how Vitas Gerulaitis died over the weekend. She said they're going to be doing an autopsy to figure out what happened. He was only 40 years old.

  Robin read about how a lot of insurance companies that insure films are thinking of having stars go through a drug tests and other kinds of tests. Robin said that this all comes after the death of River Phoenix. Robin said that John Candy was given a clean bill of health too and the insurance company had to pay out $14 million when he died. Howard wondered why they had to pay if he finished the film he was working on. Robin said they may not have been done or maybe they needed him for promotion. Howard said it's great promotion when the star dies.

  Robin read about how John Candy may have died from cigarette smoking. Howard said he must have had a death wish. He was smoking 4 packs a day according to what Robin read.

  Robin read about Heidi Fleiss going to court this week. Robin read the details of that case and what she's in for.

  Robin read about the deaf Miss America. She had some audio of her from her press conference too. Howard said Billy needs to hear that clip so he knows what a deaf person sounds like.

  Gary came in and said there was another woman on the pageant who was abducted as a child or something. It was more like a Queen for a Day kind of show than a pageant. That led to them talking about who else could end up in the Miss America pageant. They were talking about a cancer kazoo contestant and an armless woman. Billy was doing an impression of what the cancer kazoo would sound like. He was also doing his Jay Leno impression.

  Howard said he had to take a break. Robin said she had a Ted Kennedy story to read after the break. She was dreading that since Howard as going to do his impression. After the edited out break Robin read the story about Joan Kennedy and that got Howard into the impression. He was on his megaphone doing the impression and said the world ''can't'' making it sound like ''cunt'' a bunch of times. He had Joan and Ted talking to each other for a couple of minutes. Robin interrupted to read more about the story. Howard kept the conversation going even when Robin would interrupt.

  Robin read a story about a man who was arrested for molesting a child who was out selling candy. Robin said that the little girl went into the house and he pulled out a knife and threatened to cut her if she didn't have sex with him. The girl ended up kicking him in the stomach and ran out of the house. Howard said they let these perverts out of jail and that's what they do. Billy was doing his Jackie laughs as they were talking about that. Howard said they don't do a thing about these people. Robin said this guy had raped someone in his family and he only got 3 years in jail for that.

  Robin read a story about a guy who mutilated his own testicles. Robin said they found the guy laying on the floor and he was pronounced dead not long after he was transferred to the hospital. Robin said the guy was alive when they found him but he was combative. They're doing toxicology tests to find out if he was on anything at the time.

  Robin read about what's going to be on Geraldo's show today. She said they're going to be talking about the OJ case. Oprah is going to be talking to the man who gave her the first break in show business. Howard said she apparently doesn't want to get ratings anymore. That led to them talking about all of the daytime talk shows that are on now. Gary had told Howard about how every channel has one of those shows on in the afternoon.

  Howard said he heard about Ricky Henderson's sister claiming that he had molested her. Howard said that might be the lowest thing ever. Howard said he was ready to get out of there if Robin was done. She said she was done so Howard played some Neil Young ''Southern Man'' to end the show. He listened to some of that and made fun of the way he sounded kind of like a cat in that song. He said he's gotten to be kind of odd looking in his old age with those sideburns. Howard meowed along to the song and Fred threw in some cat meowing songs too. They need the show a short time later.

• Master Tape Theatre - September 27, 1994. 10/27/06. 6:00am
  Howard was out today so we had another edition of Master Tape Theatre today. Master Tape Theatre is an almost complete replay of a classic Howard Stern Show from his K-Rock days. Today's replay was the September 27, 1994 Howard Stern Show. I wrote it up as if it was a new show since it was not in my archives.

• Howard Visits A Movie Set. 09/27/1994. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Stuttering John interviewing Walter Cronkite, Captain Janks prank call, Howard Stern For Governor commercial parody, A King of All Messengers prank call, America performing ''I Need You'' at a Howard Stern event, Baba Booey introducing Howard.

  Howard started off the show by taking a commercial break. After the break Howard was talking to Robin asking her where she went. She was very cold so she had to get a tissue to wipe her nose. Howard said they had Joan Rivers stopping by to say hello. Robin said that she saw a picture of Joan in the paper and she was showing her belly. Howard said she has a lot of time so she can work out a lot. They talked about how good she looks.

  Howard also said that George Takei would be stopping by. He also talked about the movie studio he was working with and how they invited him over to the set of a movie that they were producing. He said there were a lot of people just hanging around on the set. He said they were shooting an interior scene and he helped the director block some scenes and stuff.

  Howard said the director was a woman with a mop of grey hair on her head. He said that she wrote the movie Flashdance. He talked to Robin about how people like that get their jobs and stuff like that. Howard figured that after he made his movie he'd become a director himself. He said that he was helping to write some of his movie but didn't want to be listed as one of the writers.

  Howard said they were shooting a dance scene for this movie and it was kind of cool how they were doing it. He said they had it all choreographed and it looked cool. He said that Patrick Stewart was in the movie and he was dancing in the scene.

  Howard told Robin that his movie is still in the script writing phase. He said they were about 35 percent of the way there with that. He said they were bringing in a director but he couldn't give his name because they haven't sealed the deal yet. He thinks that working with this guy would go very well. Robin knew who it was but she didn't say who it was either.

  Howard said that the director will come in and take the script and shape it a little bit. They will get the story and figure out how to shoot it. Howard said that it's a very collaborative effort. They have a shooting schedule already even though the script isn't ready. He said they were going to begin the principle photography during their Christmas vacation. His schedule is going to be nuts and he's going to be burned out by the time the shoots are over.

  Howard said that the schedule for shooting for the movie he visited was 73 days. He was hoping to do his shoot in 3 days. He said that they may have more little Howard in the movie than they have in the script so far. He said they will have to do more writing to make that happen.

  Howard joked that Jackie had showed up to one of the auditions for little Howard in a wig because he's so desperate to get into the movie.

  He said the unfortunate thing is that people would have to wait for the movie to come out. He had to take a break a short time later.

• Stuttering John Interviews Audrey Meadows. 09/27/1994. 6:25am
  After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who thought that Howard had a new speech impediment. He said it's been coming out as a stutter when he gets upset. Howard said that's more of an act than anything. He demonstrated the stutter for the guy to show him how he does it. That led to them talking about Stuttering Vic who wasn't there. Stuttering John came in and said that he wasn't there and he wasn't sure why. John said that someone offered to knock the guy off for him when he was at a hockey game.

  Howard had some audio of Stuttering John interviewing Audrey Meadows. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Audrey Meadows and The Honeymooners before moving on to the tapes.

  Howard talked about some trouble he had with his two daughters the night before. He said one of his kids bit the other. He said he was in the middle of masturbating when he heard the kids crying so he had to stop that and go upstairs.

  Gary came in and told Howard that Stuttering Vic was on the phone and it was funny to hear him try and say the word ''doctor.'' Howard got Vic on and found out that he had a problem with his eye. Gary asked him to say where he had to go and he stuttered as he was saying the word. Howard told him that was the right answer. He also told Vic that he misses him and he's working out very well with Stuttering John.

  Vic told Howard that no one knows who he is so he is able to get into these events easier than John can. Vic had his call waiting coming through so it was interrupting his phone call. Vic figured it was one of his friends calling to tell him that he's on the air like he doesn't know.

  Howard moved on to play some of the interview that Stuttering John got with Audrey Meadows. In the tape John was yelling out questions even though he wasn't supposed to be. He asked her if Jackie Gleason ever slipped her the tongue. She said she knew he was going to ask her a question like that.

  Stuttering John was giving Howard some excuses for why he wasn't able to get a better interview. He said he didn't bring his disguise with him when he went out to do the interviews. Robin was busting his balls telling him that he should always have that disguise. John thought that Howard wasn't all that interested in having him interview Audrey Meadows so he didn't think he needed the disguise. Howard didn't understand what he was saying. He wrapped up with him a short time later.

• A Dying Man's Wish Crushed By Howard. 09/27/1994. 6:45am
  Howard came back from break and said he heard that he was on The Tonight Show the night before. He said he had been thinking about this woman Pam Antonelli and he wanted to talk about her but he wanted to save the conversation until later when he has her on the phone. He said he's put together something for her to do and he wants to talk to her about it. He said he has to get her a job and he thinks he'll be able to do that.

  Howard said that there's a woman who has a wish to come on her show before she dies. He said he has to find out just how sick she is before he has her on the show though. He read the letter she sent him where she talks about how much she enjoys his TV show. She was diagnosed with cancer and wanted to visit Howard. She said that she's in remission so Howard wondered if he wanted to have her on the show. He said that they've had dying people on the show before and they don't end up dying.

  Howard told Gary to get this woman on the phone so he could talk to her. Gary came in and got the number and tried to call but no one was home. He also thought that the writer was a dude. He told Gary that if it is a guy then he should throw the letter in the garbage. Howard asked Gary if he identifies himself as Fa Fa Fohi when he calls people. Gary said he identifies himself as Gary from the Howard Stern Show. That led to Billy West doing his Baba Booey impression and making up even more Fafa Fohi, Gaga Gowie, Gaga Gohi and other new Baba Booey-type names.

  Howard dialed the number and wanted Gary to identify himself as Gaga Golye. Howard dialed the number and got a woman on the phone. The woman said that it was her fiancee who sent the letter. It turns out the writer was Manny, not Mary like Howard thought. The woman said that her fiancee has leukemia but he was in remission.

  The woman told Howard that they have canceled their wedding for now because of the illness. She said it was too bad that he wasn't there. Howard said he wanted to be up front with her and said that he's up for having Manny down there if he's really on his death bed. He doesn't want to have him there if he's going to live. The woman said that there's a good chance that he'll live. Howard told her that if he can show that he's going to die within a month, he'll have him on the show.

  Howard said he now knows that Manny is going to live so he won't have him on the show. The woman said that his mother doesn't know that he's got leukemia and they didn't want her to know. Howard told the woman that she should tell Manny that he's not going to be on the show because he is going to live. He let her go a short time later. He said that it was another case of someone with cancer who will probably live to 100. He went to break a short time later.

• Goofing On Johnny Carson. 09/27/1994. 7:00am
  Howard was reading a note about Jay Leno taking over the Tonight Show and how they were preparing a new set. He said that Johnny wasn't going to show up there though. Howard did his impression of Johnny Carson and goofed on him a little bit. Billy West was doing his Jay Leno impression and playing along with the goof.

  Howard talked about what a great host he would be on The Tonight Show. He said that he would go on there and tell Johnny to kiss his ass. Fred got in on the Johnny impressions and goofed on him along with Howard.

  Howard said that Johnny has such a massive ego that he will punish Jay Leno by not going on his version of the show. Howard said he hopes that Johnny withers and dies. He said that the guy had such a huge ego that he had to end his show with his giant ''Carson Productions'' logo. He talked about how elaborate the logo was and said that he should have just had the word ''ME'' up on the screen.

  Howard and the guys spent a few minutes goofing on Carson's logo and how he may have come about creating it. Howard said Carson probably had huge dreams for that production company of his. None of the shows he produced ended up going anywhere though. Billy was doing his Johnny impression and had him crying on his last night on the air.

  Billy West was doing his hysterically crying character as Howard was talking about Johnny Carson's dead son Ricky. They spent a little more time on that before Howard had to take another commercial break.

• Various Phone Calls And Discussions. 09/27/1994. 7:20am
  After the break Howard got in some plugs for some appearances he was making to promote his book. He was going to be out trying to help out this woman Pam Antonelli who got fired after buying his book to put in the library she worked for. Howard said he would be making a speech like Martin Luther King Jr. To promote the book. He demonstrated that and did his MLK impression. He said he would be appearing in some interviews with Pam and would give details about that later on.

  Howard took a call from a guy who had nothing to say. The guy said he felt weird about asking the question so Howard told him to just go ahead and ask. The guy asked what's going on about the Carson stuff. Howard hung up on him and took another call. The caller told Howard about seeing Paul Shaffer out in Las Vegas with Martin Short. That got Howard talking about these short guys like Paul Shaffer, Martin Short and Billy Crystal. He said they would give him a hard time like some kind of short-man attitude when he'd go to talk to them when he'd see them.

  The caller told Howard that no one knew who Martin Short was when he was out there. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy as well. He continued to talk about the little guy attitude he got from those guys. He said it's like hanging out with a woman when he's around those guys.

  Howard took a call from a guy who was looking forward to him coming down to Washington DC. Robin wasn't going to be down there because she had plans. She was supposed to be going to Syracuse to visit friends. Jackie threw in a joke about how she was going up there to write her book title or something and cracked himself up.

  Howard said Gary was asking him if he needed him down in Washington DC. He got sidetracked as he was telling that story when he asked if Joan Rivers was there yet. Gary said she had just showed up. Howard said he saw Gary having a big jam session with some of the guys from the station and it looked like more of a hang out session than work. He said that every time he walked past Gary he wasn't working. Gary disagreed but his argument wasn't very convincing.

• Joan Rivers Visits. 09/27/1994. 7:30am
  Joan Rivers came in to visit so Howard told her she was looking good. She had her assistant Dorothy with her so Howard said hello to her. Howard talked about how good looking Joan is and how she wasn't an attractive person when she was young. Howard asked her to show her stomach since they had seen it in the paper. She quickly showed it and Howard was impressed with how flat it was.

  Howard heard that Joan was going to be doing a TV show so he told her that she should base it on her life and have her dead husband come back, through her dog Spike, to give her advice on her career. He said that they could have her dating all of these young guys like she does in her real life. They could also have Spike sniffing women's crotches and things like that.

  Howard wondered if Edgar would be alright to play that part in her TV show. He told her that she could dig him up and play him like a puppet. He told Joan he would even co-produce the show for her. Joan asked if they could call the show The Howard Stern Show. Howard asked Joan to reveal her eyes for him because she was wearing sunglasses. She didn't want to do that on camera.

  Howard asked Joan about the guy she was dating. He thought that the guy was in his 40s but Joan said he was 53. Howard talked to Joan about her plastic surgery and how she hardly ever shows her face without make-up on.

  Howard wondered if they could call Blaine Trump who Joan brought up earlier in the interview. She wanted her assistant to get her on the phone and wouldn't let Howard or Gary have her phone number. Howard said they wouldn't do anything with that number if they had it. They had no reason to call her.

  Howard had Blaine Trump on the phone a short time later. He said he had met her at a party that Joan threw recently. He told her that Joan told him they couldn't talk about anything so he was going to let her go. He was just kidding and asked Blaine if Joan is the only Jew she knows. Blaine said she has Joan over to dinner all the time and they are great friends. She wouldn't say that they were best friends but they are great friends.

  Howard asked Blaine if Joan looks odd holding hands with her younger boyfriend. She said it doesn't look odd at all. Howard asked if the guy feels her up at all. Joan said it was time to hang up at that point so Howard wrapped up with her and let her go.

  Howard said that Joan loves to have those celebrity friends. Joan said that she doesn't just have celebrity friends. Howard asked to touch Joan's body to feel just how tight she is. She didn't want to let him do that. Howard asked her about having her uterus removed. She said that she had two miscarriages after she had Melissa and she's not sure why they had to remove it but they did.

  Howard asked Joan if he could give her a hug but she refused to do that. He just wanted to feel how tight her body was but she wanted nothing to do with that. Howard gave her some plugs for some appearances she was making and let her go a short time later. Dorothy told Howard they had to get going to the airport so Joan wasn't going to hug him. Joan went over to him a short time later but then she ran out when he joked that he was going to feel how tight she was. They went to break after that.

• Howard Helps Fired Librarian Pam Antonelli. 09/27/1994. 8:00am
  Howard came back from break and had Pam Antonelli on the phone. She's the librarian who was fired for buying his book Private Parts to stock in her library. He explained the story to the fans and said that she's looking for a job. He said that she didn't even know what was in the book when she bought it, she just saw it on the best seller list and bought it. Howard said that they'll be making an appearance down in Washington DC to bring some attention to her problem.

  Howard said he contacted Phil Donahue and he wanted them to do the show. Howard said he would only do it if Phil would put Pam on and talk about her story. Pam said that she was all set up to do that show. Howard was going to do the first half of the show and then Pam would be on and do the other half. He said he would make a short appearance with Pam and then he'll tell Phil that he has a meeting he has to go to and leave.

  Howard heard that Pam hasn't worked in some time and she's living with her sister right now. Pam said that she's not sure of anyone has filed any lawsuits or anything. Howard didn't have all of the details about her flying into New York or anything like that. He told her he could book her at Scores if she wanted to work there.

  Pam thanked Howard for helping her out with all of this stuff. He said that he really is a good guy and that's what he does. He told her that if the sales of his book fall off, she'll never hear from him again though.

  Howard said that he's outraged that a woman was fired over the purchase of a book in 1994. He let her go a short time later so he could speak to George Takei.

• George Takei Live Via Satellite. 09/27/1994. 8:10am
  Howard had George Takei on a satellite feed so he could talk to him as if he were in the studio. He told George that he had George's long lost brother (Billy West) in the studio. Billy was doing his impression of George and making comments that George would never say. Howard asked Billy to stop it with the jokes because he would never make it through the interview.

  Howard asked George about the way he enunciates his words and why that is. He said he never did it in Star Trek. George said that's because he was acting. He was Sulu in those shows so he was doing that character. Billy West continued to do his impression so George asked him to behave.

  Howard told George that he's happy that he took on William Shatner in his book (To the Stars: The Autobiography of George Takei, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu). George said that he thinks that Shatner is a great actor and he did some great things on Star Trek. He said that you have to look at the whole man and not just that one part of his life.

  Howard asked George if Shatner had sex with Uhura. George said they just kissed on the TV show. Howard talked about what he had read in his book and how Shatner was a pain in the ass on the set of the TV show. George said that Shatner has a wit and a smile that fools people. He said Shatner treated everyone the same on the set so it wasn't just him.

  Howard asked George if he was Chinese as he was joking around about throwing stars. George corrected him and told him that he's Japanese. He talked about going to some Japanese language school when he was a child and how much he hated that.

  George was talking about what a phony Shatner was when Howard asked him if he'd pull off his wig. George said that's a very expensive wig he wears. He talked about the many versions of the wig he had. Robin said that in the early TV shows Shatner had hardly any hair. Then he got curly hair in the TJ Hooker TV show and he has even more in the Star Trek movies.

  George told Howard and Robin about the time he spent in the Japanese internment camps when he was a small child. He said that they were American citizens back then but just because they looked like the enemy, they were locked up in these camps. He said there were no trials or anything like that, they just came in with guns and shuffled them off to these camps. He said that they did get reparations in 1988. He gave that money to a charity for Japanese Americans.

  Howard said that George had fun in those camps but he was only 4 years old at the time. Howard asked George why he wasn't there in the studio because they could have some real fun there. Billy West got back to doing his impression of George.

  George talked about how much some of the other cast members on Star Trek disliked William Shatner. Gary came in and told Howard that he had a woman on the phone who was very angry at George. Howard took the call and the woman said that she thinks he's just jealous of Shatner and no one will buy his book. She said that she will not buy his book and she's had a crush on Shatner since she was a little girl.

  George and the woman argued with each other for a short time and George let out his infamous ''Oh my!'' after she said that no one was guy to buy the book. Billy West, as George, mumbled under his breath ''Stupid bitch'' as she was getting off the phone. George asked him to behave after hearing that.

  Howard let George go and had Billy West doing more of his impression. He had Billy doing an impression of George snoring and stuff like that. They went to break a short time later.

• Robin's News Begins. 09/27/1994. 8:35am
  Howard came back from break and said that they had George Takei Jr. joining them for the news. He spent some time talking about the old Star Trek series and how the one big thing that they showed for the future was drinking out of a blue cup instead of a round one. He made fun of them for that goofy concept and did his impression of Shatner.

  Howard asked Robin what was in the news. She had some OJ Simpson news so she started off with that. Howard was still doing his Shatner impression. Then Billy was doing his Shatner impression so Howard asked him to stick to his George Takei impression and not try to out-do him with his Shatner.

  Howard was going nuts about the OJ case and how it should have taken 3 minutes for that whole case to be over with. He said the guy had blood in his vehicle and he came out of it so he had to be found guilty. That led to Billy West doing his OJ Simpson impression a little bit.

  Robin did one story about a couple who were shot and robbed in Brooklyn. Howard talked about how the cops were diverting traffic into Harlem the other day when he was driving around and he saw woman out there who had no idea which way to go. He had to take another break during the news.

• And Finally... 09/27/1994. 8:55am
  Howard came back from break and had Robin read a few more news stories. She had more OJ Simpson news and that led to Billy West doing an impression of Judge Ito for a short time. She also did some stories about some beatings and stuff like that. Fred would play audio clips of Jackie laughing after she told these horrible stories.

  Howard took another break during the news and then came back to have Robin finish up her news. Fred was still throwing in the Jackie cackles during stories of rape and attacks on people. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 9:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - October 25, 1994. 06/29/07. 6:00am
  This week's Master Tape Theatre was a show from October 25, 1994. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time today.

• Howard Talks Politics. 10/25/1994. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Audio clip of an actress making an acceptance speech, Ivana Trump on QVC clip, Stuttering John interviewing Larry King, Spin Doctors performing ''Little Miss Can't Be Wrong'' live in Howard's studio, a David Letterman intro for Howard.

  Howard started off the show saying he thinks he ran out of stuff to say. He hummed along to his opening theme song for a short time and told Robin he was out of stuff to say. Robin said she had some questions about something that was in the paper.

  Howard mentioned that Mike Judge was coming in as Beavis and Butt-Head today. He said he'll be sitting in during the news so that should be good. He said he might just do his Fartman character while Mike is there. He told Robin to bring up any stories that Fartman and Beavis and Butt-Head could get involved with.

  Howard asked Robin who he should vote for as governor of New York. He said he's not even sure if he's registered to vote or not. Robin said she wasn't sure what to make of Howard endorsing the Libertarians in this race. Howard said that he thinks that taxes can be reduced and they don't have to keep raising them all the time. He said the other thing about Cuomo is that a couple of years ago there was a guy who had committed murder and was sentenced to the death penalty. Cuomo went out of his way to bring him to NY State so he could avoid the death penalty. He said that the guy wasted so much time just to save a murderer's life. He said that's just sick.

  Howard said he doesn't know all that much about Pataki but that might be a good thing. He and Robin spent a short time on that but Howard said he didn't care. He said he's going to call himself a Libertarian anyway. He said his old running mate Stan Dwarkin sent him a letter about how he hasn't been able to get any air time. He said that they tried to get him into a room to talk about that but he didn't want any part of that.

• Details On Howard's Movie. 10/25/1994. 6:15am
  Howard had an article from the paper about his movie. He said that they're making a movie out of his book and Rysher Entertainment is the company that bought the rights to his book. He read the Page 6 article where Richard Johnson writes about how some directors were tossed around and how Howard had nothing to do with it.

  Howard said that he's had to leave the details the movie up to everyone over there at Rysher and that led to one of the guys leaving the project. Howard said that they have to kind of start over because they were going to start shooting in about 2 weeks but now they have to go back to the drawing board. He said he was asked to grow a moustache but he just shaved that off. He's happy he was able to get rid of that thing.

  Howard said he likes that they're turning his book into a movie but it might take a little time. He said he doesn't mind if it takes a little time to make it happen though. He said he feels like he's caught in the middle of the whole thing and doesn't know what to do. He said he knows that Rysher is dedicated to making the movie but they have to get the script right. He can't afford to be in a piece of crap because it'll end his career.

  Howard said the movie had laughs in it but there were some dramatic moments in it. That's why they had this John Avelson guy ready to direct. Now Rysher is looking for a comedy director. Howard said it appears to him that the whole process was handled kind of screwy. They had all kinds of weird deadlines and they didn't even have a script yet. They were setting up deadlines when they didn't have a script in hand. Now he's just going to wait on the sidelines and wait for a script to be handed to him that he likes.

  Robin asked Howard what he's going to do if they hand him a script that he doesn't like. Howard said he'd turn it down and wait for another one. He said that he and Rysher have to agree on the script to make it happen. Howard said he's just waiting to know when he's going to be in a movie. It's going to take some time for them to figure out if they have the right script to make a good movie.

  Howard said he barely had time to make an evaluation on the script before it all went down. He said he's not even sure what happened, it was all just so weird. So now they're back to working on a new script. Ivan Reitman told Howard that they might have to go through 8-11 drafts before it's ready to go. Howard said they're only on their third draft.

  Robin said that someone asked her to ask him if he's free to do Letterman and Leno now that he's not doing the movie. Howard said he's not sure. He said that they're telling him over there at Rysher that they're sticking to that shoot schedule next month. He had to go to break after that.

• Howard's Video Conferencing. 10/25/1994. 6:35am
  After the break Howard asked Robin what she wanted to do, listen to Stuttering John with Regis and Kathie Lee or take some phone calls. She seemed to want to hear the Stuttering John thing but Howard ended up talking about this video conferencing thing he's been doing with the E! crew. He said he can look at the guy he's talking to, Scott Einziger, and he can flip over to the tape so he can comment on it and make some changes. Howard said it's not a perfect picture but it's close. He said the problem is the phone companies though.

  Howard said he farted at one point and he didn't know that Scott could see him doing that. He said he's got a camera on him at least 60 percent of his day these days. He said that the E! guys have to pull the cameras back because they can see him playing with himself all morning. Robin said she can't work like that knowing he's playing with himself.

  Howard asked how they can see him doing that. Scott Einziger said it's when he moves his chair back. Howard said he's been doing that since he was in Washington. He said he must be the horniest guy in the world. Robin said the people that usually do that are the retarded. Howard said that every guy does that at some point. He said he doesn't even realize he's doing it. He also scratches himself under his arm and flips his hair. He said he even picks his nose a lot. Howard said his nose gets clogged and he has to pick it at times.

  Howard said it's thanks to IBM that he can do all of that stuff. He's not even sure what else he can do with the system. He's only tested out the minimum stuff. He told Scott that he was cute and kicked ass. He said he does some weird stuff on that camera.

  Howard said that the guys weren't there the other day when he was on the camera and some woman walked into the room. He said he was hoping that her fingers would start exploring but that didn't happen. He said he pushed the microphone button and it scared her. He said he didn't wait too long before he hit the button. He didn't want her to think he was watching too long. Howard said that she didn't show her face but she did show him her shoulder.

  Howard said he sometimes just watched the guys without telling them he's on. He watched the guys editing for 5 minutes without telling them the other day. He said he just needs a couple more cameras and he could watch everyone. The day he can watch Fred at home is the day it'll be complete. Scott wanted to get in a plug for the E! show and said that they're running the Bon Jovi part 2 episode.

• Halloween Party Planning. 10/25/1994. 6:45am
  Howard said that they're going to have this Halloween party and everyone is dressing up as someone else from the show. Howard ran down the list of who everyone was going as and then said that he thought about having a whole big party on the air with fans.

  Gary came in and asked Howard if he wanted this chick to come back who had been on the show before. Howard said he wasn't sure about that. He said that they should have down some listeners dressed up in their costumes and vote on who has the best. Howard told Gary that they need a bunch of hot girls to dance in there. He said he wants 7 of them. Gary put the word out that they're looking for good looking chicks and that they should contact him.

  Howard said that they need chicks, punch and a script for his movie for the party. He said they were thinking of King of All Blacks and Big Black for the judges of the contest. Howard went over the list of people they could have judging. Howard suggested Fred the Elephant Boy and said he has to dress like an elephant since they are doing it for TV. Robin said they could dress him like the real Elephant Man. Howard said that the best scene in the Elephant Man movie is when he gets dressed in a tuxedo and asks how he looks.

  Howard suggested that they dress King of All Blacks and Big Black as cannibals. He said he wants to make sure they mix up the costumes too so he told Gary to get a few of each of them. Howard asked Tom to give them some prizes for the winners. He also told Tom he should come as a pin head or something like that.

  Ralph came in with some suggestions and ended up getting goofed on by everyone. Ralph was suggesting that they have a winner for the best Howard, Gary, Robin, Jackie, Fred... Howard told him that it'll be hard enough getting winning money for three people, never mind a bunch of people. Howard said the loser could have lunch with Ralph. He said the worst costume prize is a lunch with Ralph.

• A Quick Tribute To Raul Julia. 10/25/1994. 6:55am
  Howard said that he had some tape of Stuttering John interviewing Raul Julia. Raul just passed away so he was playing it as a tribute to the guy. John asked Raul a bunch of questions and he sounded very confused by everything. John thanked him and called him ''Rule'' when he was ending the interview. Robin said that Raul sounded pretty happy at the end of the clip. The guys goofed on John about his pronunciation of Raul before Howard went to break.

• Doody Boy Ralph's Stink. 10/25/1994. 7:05am
  After the break Howard had Ralph come in because he smelled like doody earlier this morning. He told Ralph to go breathe on Robin so she could smell him. He went into her booth and Howard told him to start talking to her. She didn't smell anything so Howard figured he took something to get rid of the stink. Howard had him come over to him and he smelled it immediately. He called him ''doody boy'' and sent him back to Robin. Robin took another whiff and said that he does stink and it's not even human smelling.

  Howard told Ralph he could leave and kicked ''stink boy'' out of the studio. The guys were goofing on Ralph's speech impediment and Jackie said it's like there's a speed bump for every word he says. Howard told Ralph to get out after Jackie said the smell was pot.

• Stutterers John And Vic Attempt To Interview Regis And Kathie Lee. 10/25/1994. 7:10am
  Howard said that Ralph is way too happy for such an unsuccessful guy. He had the guys bring in Stuttering John and Stuttering Vic. He had to direct the two of them on how to set up their microphones so the cameras could see them. He also pointed out Vic's new hair cut and how awful that looked. He said it was parted funny and just didn't look right. Vic said that he goes to this place that screws it up every single time. He said he doesn't have much of a choice so he keeps going back there.

  Howard said that the boys went out to get an interview with Regis and Kathie Lee. John said that they were promoting a cook book. Howard asked John for the list of questions but he didn't have them. Howard told John that means that Vic is going to get his job and he can go out and do some interviews on his own.

  Howard played the interview that John tried to do with Regis. Regis wasn't answering his questions, neither was Kathie Lee. Stuttering Vic gave it a try after John failed. Vic said he was stuttering like crazy too. Howard said he doesn't get the attraction to those two nitwits. He can't imagine anyone with a brain going to see those two.

  Jackie said he was watching football the other night and said that Frank Gifford was looking like the crypt keeper at that point. Howard said he heard that Kathie Lee hangs pictures of Frank from when he was young up on the walls when they have parties at their house. Billy West said his eyes look like two pee holes in the snow these days.

  Howard played the clip of Stuttering Vic trying to interview Kathie Lee Gifford. He asked her ''have you stolen Oprah's hair cut?'' but she didn't answer. Howard got a hold of the questions that he was supposed to ask but they edited out. There were questions about Frank and if he could get aroused without injecting something into his penis. There were also questions about her menstruation and things like that. Those were the questions that were cut out though.

  Howard got back to Vic's tape and he was stuttering like crazy as he was trying to ask his questions. They eventually kicked Vic out of there. Billy was doing an impression of the woman and saying what she really meant to say to him when she was asking him to leave nicely.

  The guys goofed on Stuttering Vic's odd stutter for a short time. Robin said she didn't know his was that good. Some of his stutters sounded kind of like a helicopter so Fred threw in those sound effects while they were goofing on him.

  John told Howard that Stuttering Vic doesn't masturbate and told Vic to tell him why. Vic said he's got carpel tunnel syndrome and it hurts a lot so he doesn't masturbate. He said he hasn't done that for the past year and a half or so. Howard made him swear on his future earnings and career that he really didn't masturbate. Vic said that he's not lying, he wouldn't lie about something so stupid.

  Howard told Vic that maybe he should ask his mom to help him out. They continued to make fun of his stutter while they were talking to him about all of that. Howard said it only takes like a minute to get off so he figured that he could get through it. Vic said that it really hurts even after he's done doing it. Howard said he thinks the feeling of pleasure should be better than the pain. Jackie said it sounds like more of a religious thing or a guilt thing. Howard asked him if his parents told him not to do it or something. Vic said that's not it. He didn't even want to talk about this stuff this morning. Vic said he knew this was going to make his life hell.

  Howard said he thinks he'd find any way to do something like that if he had the pain that Vic has. Vic said he doesn't care about that stuff anymore. He's only 21 years old though. Stuttering John laughed when he heard that. Howard thinks that there's something else going on there but he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He went to break a short time later.

• King Of All Media Name Sticks. 10/25/1994. 7:40am
  After the break Howard took some phone calls. One guy called Howard the King of All Media which led to Howard talking about how that name has really stuck since he came up with it. He said that they call him the ''self proclaimed'' King of All Media but he's really not, he really is the King of All Media. He said he has to toot his own horn since no one else will.

  Howard asked Robin who they think is the biggest star in the world. She guessed it was probably Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard said that he's never written a hit book, done a radio show every day at number one in almost every market, done a pay-per-view that grossed $30 million in one night... He told everyone to shut up.

  The caller on the line wasn't getting to his question so he was going to hang up on him. The guy asked about the show being chopped up there in Boston. Howard said he didn't want to be bothered with that stuff and hung up on the guy.

• Ray Liotta Falls For Paralyzed Heidi von Beltz. 10/25/1994. 7:45am
  Howard had this woman Heidi von Beltz on the phone who he said was a stunt woman and a hot piece of ass. Howard said he thinks she looks like Connie Selleca. She thought that was pretty nice to say. Howard went on to say that she was in a car as a stunt double in Cannonball Run and they had a big accident when they had a head on collision with another car. Heidi said she didn't remember what happened but they didn't have any seat belts in the car so she was paralyzed. She said she's got movement of everything now but right after the accident she couldn't feel anything.

  Howard said that when she got out of the hospital, she was so hot that Ray Liotta fell for her even though she was in a wheelchair. She said that Ray saw her in a picture that her good friend Melanie Griffith showed to him. She said that Ray came to her house to meet her after giving her a call. He wasn't even famous yet though. She said that she didn't have any money and she couldn't move much in her wheelchair.

  Heidi said that she got a $7 million settlement from the accident but she only ended up with about $3 million after the lawyers took their share.

  Heidi said she was taken out on a boat one time with Ray and they had strapped her to a pole on the boat so she wouldn't roll away. Howard said that Ray was a good looking guy back then. She said he really was good looking. She said that she thinks she's even better looking now than she was back then. She said that Ray was the first guy to take her out after her accident so it was very special.

  Howard thought that Ray had been in her life before the accident but he was wrong about that. He said he figures that something must move right on Heidi for Ray to stay with her. She said that she could still feel things when she was paralyzed but it was more like electrical pulses going all over your body.

  Heidi said that they were so obsessed with each other that they were spending every minute together. She said that she doesn't keep in touch with Ray too much these days because he's so busy working. Howard recapped the conversation and went over everything they had learned.

  Howard said it sounds like Ray is a really good guy. She said he really is a great guy. Robin wondered how they have sex. Heidi didn't want to get into that with them though. Howard told her she must be quite a woman to get Ray the way she did.

  Howard asked Heidi if Melanie Griffith listens to his show. She said she's very busy with her kids so she probably can't. Howard said she's got that baby voice with those nice breast implants. He said that Don Johnson must be a lot of fun. That got Billy doing his Don Johnson impression for a few seconds. He goofed on Don a little bit so Howard told him to calm down with that. Howard asked Heidi a little more about dating Ray and then let her go a short time later.

• Beavis And Butt-Head Creator Mike Judge Visits. 10/25/1994. 8:05am
  Howard was going to bring Mike Judge in after that. He said that he hopes that Tom dies of a stroke because he keeps piling all of this crap on him to do. He said that Tom doesn't know what stress is and he hates him. He wished a stroke upon him. Tom came in claiming he didn't know what he was talking about but Howard told him that he knows what he did. He said that Tom is the kind of guy who goes out of his way to do too many things. He said that if Hitler asked him to go out and kill a few Jews, Tom would go out and kill 6 million of them. He's a bit too over zealous and he hopes he has a stroke.

  Howard had the guys bring in Mike Judge, the creator of Beavis and Butt-Head. He said that Mike is a talented guy but not much of a business man. He didn't make much off the Beavis and Butt-Head thing. Mike told Howard that he's pretty sure they knew they had a live one when he'd send them stuff from Texas. He said that they're renegotiating his contract now though.

  Howard said that the Beavis and Butt-Head thing is brilliant and he can't come up with stuff like that every week. He said that Mike could come up with more stuff but this is like his Beatles. Mike talked about how he animated the Frog Baseball cartoon himself. Howard said that he saw that one and was shocked that MTV even showed it. Mike said he never thought they'd turn that into a whole show. He figured they were going to do some intros and stuff, that was it.

  Howard said that the weird thing was when MTV got after him for having Beavis getting into fire. Mike said he was out of the country when they started moving the show around to late night. Mike said he was over in England recording ''I Got You Babe'' with Cher. Howard asked him if he got her and he did his Butt-Head laugh. He said he didn't do anything with her, he's not her type. Howard asked if she was all decked out in her rock star outfit. Mike said she was in more of a grunge outfit.

  Howard asked if Cher smelled okay. Mike said she was perfumed up. Howard figured it was her own brand of perfume that she was wearing. Howard said Jackie met Mike through Stuttering john at some point and really got along with him. It turns out Jackie met him at a Friar's roast. Mike talked to Jackie about how he wasn't getting any money from MTV and Jackie related to him because he thinks he doesn't get paid well either.

  Howard talked to Mike about his crappy deal with MTV and Gary said there was more to it. He said some other guy had taken the animations and sold them to MTV himself. Mike said he does have some control over it because he does all of the voices in the show. Mike said that it is pretty cool to be able to do the cartoons but there were times when he would have liked to have gotten out.

  Mike said that he was trying to get the Hollywood lawyers to call him back about representing him but he had to give up on that idea when no one would call him back. He talked about how the first 2 minute long animation took him about 8 weeks to animate himself. He said now they have a bunch of Korean people drawing them. He said that they were telling him that it was a very odd cartoon when they saw it. They didn't know what ''cut the cheese'' or ''getting a woodrow'' meant.

  Mike said that he has a bunch of writers for the show now so he just supervises them. He wrote a lot of the early ones though. He also had his ''Milton'' cartoon shown on Saturday Night Live recently. He said that's the first animation he ever did and also the character from the movie ''Office Space.''

  Howard figured that Mike probably gets a fruit basket from the MTV people instead of making money. Mike said he actually got a bath robe for Christmas. Howard told Mike he had to take a break but when they came back they were going to do this Fartman thing with Beavis and Butt-Head. Howard told Mike about the way Billy West took over the voices for Ren and Stimpy after the creator left the show. He was only doing Stimpy but took over Ren when the creator quit.

  Howard talked to Mike about the Beavis and Butt-Head video game for a short time. Howard said that it's really amazing how big those characters got. He said his daughter has told him about some of the kids in her class who think that they are Beavis and Butt-Head.

  Mike said that he's in the process of making a movie for the cartoon but some of the movie studios wanted him to do it as a live action movie. Howard said that wouldn't work, he wants to see them in a dirtier version of the TV cartoon. Howard said that they'd probably get Mike Myers and Dana Carvey to play the characters if they did it as live action.

  Billy West started doing his Jackie Puppet thing and showed that off for Mike. Mike said he'd never seen the puppet before. He thought the puppet was pretty impressive looking. Howard told Billy to blow up the puppet's belly and make it fart. Billy played with that for a short time and then started doing his Jackie laughs. He told some goofy jokes like Jackie would and then went nuts with his many Jackie laughs. Howard said Jackie Puppet must feel comfortable with Mike since he's had money issues too. Jackie Puppet went nuts laughing and goofing around. Howard had to go to break a short time later.

• Robin's News With Beavis, Butt-Head, Fartman And Jackie Puppet. 10/25/1994. 8:45am
  Howard came back from break and told Mike Judge about how he was out one time with Ralph and Ralph was pretending to be Mike in front of some chicks. It worked and he was able to get laid because of it. Ralph said it didn't take much to fool them, just a little ''Uhm... Huh huh... Hi girls.'' Mike said he doesn't think that would even work for him if he was single. Ralph says he underestimates the stupidity of the dancers.

  Howard was going to have Robin start her news and asked if Jackie Puppet was there. Jackie was there and then asked if Beavis and Butt-Head were there. Mike did both of those voices and also Mr. Anderson (who would later become Hank Hill from 'King of the Hill')

  Mike was talking about Robin's hooters as Beavis and Butt-Head a little bit. Howard then went into his Fartman character. He introduced himself and explained who he is. Mike did his Beavis laugh as Howard was doing his Fartman thing.

  Billy West was going crazy as Jackie Puppet again. Howard said that Fred doesn't do any impressions but then remembered he does the Gary Puppet. Fred picked him up and did a little bit of his Gary impression.

  Howard wondered why Beavis and Butt-Head never goofs on the black artists. Mike said that rappers kind of scare him because they do carry guns and he wouldn't want to upset anyone. He said they did have one show where Butt-Head said ''Huh huh huh, Negros are cool...'' but he said that never made it to air as far as he knows. Billy started going nuts as the Jackie Puppet again and cracked himself up doing his dopey jokes.

  Howard told Mike that he really should get into some of that racism stuff in the cartoon. Maybe they could use that in the movie. Mike said that the movie is in limbo right now because of the Paramount Viacom split, things are kind of messed up.

  Howard said that it would be kind of funny if Beavis and Butt-Head started dressing up like Amos and Andy and doing that voice. Mike wouldn't even go there with that on the radio. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.

  Robin read a story about Rudy Giuliani which led to the guys making fun of that speech impediment of his. Howard also told Mike about this guy Cuomo and the thing he did where he saved a guy from the death penalty when he brought him to New York.

  Billy was still doing a lot of the Jackie Puppet thing so Howard had to ask him to calm down a little bit. Mike said he needed a puppet to get a word in. Howard spent a little time talking to Beavis and Butt-Head and had them talking about Robin. They were asking her out and things like that. Jackie Puppet was still going nuts talking over everyone though.

  Howard got into the MTV money thing with Mike at one point. Mike had to give his Beavis voice a break because it hurts his throat. He eventually told Gary to get him the number for MTV so he could call and try to renegotiate his contract for him as Fartman. Jackie Puppet was ready to get into that as well. He gave Mike some plugs for the Beavis and Butt-Head merchandise since Mike can make some money on that. He went to break before getting to that stuff though.

• Fartman Tries To Renegotiate Mike Judge's Contract. 10/25/1994. 9:20am
  After the break Howard said he was going to do Mike a favor and renegotiate his contract. Mike interrupted and said that it'll probably screw up his negotiations. Howard said he's going to talk to Tom Freston about the contract as Fartman. Jackie Puppet was giving Mike some advices so Howard goofed on Mike about that. He was taking advice from a puppet.

  Fartman gave MTV a call but Tom Freston wasn't in his office so the assistant ended up putting him on hold. Fartman sat on hold for a short time and then the woman picked up and said Tom was busy on a conference call. Howard left a message for Tom telling him that he needed them to give Mike Judge more money. The woman called him Howard at one point so he asked her to please not do that. Howard told her that if he didn't comply with his wishes, he'd be hearing some farts. She had to hang up on him because she said she was too busy to stay on the phone. Fartman took off after that. He blasted out of there with farts of course.

  Mike said that now everything should fall into place since he has a super hero on his side. Howard goofed on Tom Freston a little bit as he was talking about him.

  Howard had Robin get back to her news but Jackie Puppet and Beavis and Butt-Head were still throwing in some comments. Mike stuck around through Robin's news. Howard asked him about how Beavis and Butt-Head always goof on the band Winger. Howard said he had Kip Winger on the show one time and they tried calling Mike to ask him to take that Winger t-shirt off the little kid in the cartoon.

  Howard asked Mike if Stuttering John bothers him to do stuff for him. Mike said that John did hang out with him for a long time before he asked him for anything. Howard told John that the guy was blowing him off and he didn't even realize it. John thought that they were going to goof on his music video. Mike said they actually have it on one of the reels but it may or may not make it to one of the episodes.

  Howard spent a few minutes talking to Stuttering John about his friendship with Mike. Howard said John told him that Mike was definitely going to put his video in the cartoon but John claimed he never said that. He said he might put it on. Howard told John that Mike has no control over that show and he can't just put on anything he wants. He told John to stop using people. John said he doesn't use anyone. Howard wrapped up with Mike and wished him luck doing Letterman. Mike said that he had a cartoon of Beavis and Butt-Head as Letterman and Paul Shafer the last time he was on.

  Howard was going to end the show so he asked Mike if he wanted to hear anything special. Mike asked for a song that Howard said they just use under their commercials. He gave Mike some choices and played a few songs that they could end the show on. Mike asked for some James Brown, maybe some Los Lobos or something like that. Howard told him to just pick a song and he'd play it. Howard was going to play some Led Zeppelin but he had to ask Gary to go get him a CD to play. Gary gave him a hard time to Howard told him to just go over and get it. Mike picked ''When the Levy Breaks'' so Howard went into the song a short time later. Billy started to do his Greaseman impression when Howard started the song. Howard also did a little bit of his goofy DJ impression as the song was playing. They played a few fart sounds through the song and ended the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - November 15, 1994. 03/02/07. 6:00am
  Howard was off today so we had a Master Tape Theatre show from November 15, 1994. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I were hearing it for the first time.

• Fred's Microphone Problems. 11/15/1994. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Stuttering John celebrity interview with Anne Margaret, Gary's answering machine message, ''The Ben Stern Day Care Center'' commercial parody, ''Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm'' performed by Crash Test Dummies and Howard, David Letterman intro for Howard.

  Howard started off the show asking if it was 10 o'clock yet, hoping the show was over. He and Fred talked about the Letterman intro that Fred had just played but Fred's microphone wasn't on. Howard pointed that out to him but Fred assumed that he was going to turn it on for him. He couldn't tell through the headphones he was wearing either. He said it never sounds like his mic is on.

  Stuttering John came in and annoyed Howard when he told him what song was playing during the Letterman clip. Howard said he can't get through a show without people interrupting him. He got back to Fred and asked him why he waited for 12 years to say that his mic level was too low. They spent a short time on that but Howard wanted to move on and get to the content of the show. He had to take a commercial break first though.

• Howard On Newt Gingrich. 11/15/1994. 6:15am
  After the break Howard said that yesterday he was talking about the Republican's winning everything and this guy Newt Gingrich was going around acting like the president. He's even being treated like the president. He said the guy seemed to come out of nowhere and he's not sure why all of a sudden they have this new president. He said he started to look into the guy and he made some sense about some stuff but then you hear the guy talking about abortions and how he thinks women shouldn't get abortions. Then he talks about prayer in school and ''family values'' and stuff like that. He said in today's paper they call him a dead beat dad. He read through that article where they expose Newt for what he really is. He left his wife after she got uterine cancer.

  Howard said that Newt met his first wife because she was his math teacher. He read through that part of the article and gave Robin all the details about the teacher and how Newt talked about how he would some day date her. He did graduate high school before dating her though. They got married and had a couple of kids. He left his wife years later after she came down with uterine cancer. Robin said that people like that shouldn't be telling other people how to run their lives.

  Howard talked about what hypocrites all of these guys are. Howard said he doesn't mind if guys leave their wives as long as they're not trying to tell him how to run his life. He read through some comments about Newt from a question and answer column where they talk about all of that stuff. Howard thinks that if they keep talking about all of that stuff, they're eventually going to lose the seats they won. He said that a lot of people in the country are feeling kind of alienated by the Republicans and even though they want to support them, they can't because of things like abortion.

  Jackie brought up another article and goofed on Newt before Howard took some phone calls. Howard picked up one caller who didn't realize that he was actually on the air. Howard had to hang up on him because the guy wasn't able to figure out that he was on the air.

• Mike Gange No Longer Working For Howard. 11/15/1994. 6:30am
  Howard went to another call from a guy down in Florida. That led to Howard talking about how warm it was this morning when he came in and how he still had his heavy coat with him. He was also saying that he carries around a bunch of bags with him and he looks like a homeless guy. He also has people like Judith Regan calling him while he's walking around.

  Howard said that Mike Gange used to help him out with carrying his bags around but he decided to stop helping. He decided to ask Mike to drive in once a week to help him out with stuff and all of a sudden he wanted some more money for wear and tear on his car. He then decided to take back the offer and told his assistant Laura that Gange is now on his list of people who he's out of favor with.

  Gange came in and said that there are a lot of reasons for not driving in. The caller interrupted and said that there was a tornado watch down in Florida. It turned out to be Melrose Larry Green who hadn't identified himself earlier. Howard told Melrose that he's no longer his friend. He said that Melrose has been writing letters to them and he's not to thrilled about them. Melrose didn't want him to be mad at him but Howard was still upset. He told him he's his ex-friend.

  Melrose said that he saw Fred's movie down there in Florida and sat next to Howard's cousin Richie. Jackie said he and Stuttering John got into a cab the other day and they drove past Melrose and the cab driver turned to them and told them that he was crazy. They hardly ever comment on anyone but that guy had to say something about Melrose.

  Gary came in and said that it's very hard to talk to Melrose. He said he'll tell you he's not going to bother you and follow you while he's bothering him and following him. Howard said that they asked Melrose to calm down and move half a block away and the guy wigged out. Howard hung up on Larry as he was about to plug the movie that Fred was in.

  Howard got back to Gange and said that he was still thinking about the whole job offer thing. He told Gange that he doesn't want his help now because his attitude is getting worse and worse these days. He asked Gange what he would charge him for wear and tear on his car. Before Mike could answer, Howard cut him off and told him to get out of there. Gange then told Howard to just try and find someone to do that stuff for free. Howard figured he could find someone no problem. Robin asked how he gets people to work for him that scream at him.

  Basil the intern came in and said that he'd work for free. Gary said they had another intern who would do it as well. Howard told Gange that he was done and he'll just use those two guys instead of him. Gary wondered how you figure out how much to charge for wear and tear on a car. Gary said he's only working one day a week and he's got to change his oil anyway. He didn't understand why he'd want money for something like that. Howard said the guy only has to drive about 15 miles.

  Howard said Gange came to him when he had nothing. He dreamt up something for him to do so he gave him this job. Then he complained about not having a job in the business so he helped him try to get a job in the radio business at WRNW. He passed along his tape but they rejected him. Then Gange got his job at E! after his radio career didn't work out. He talked about how they worked with Fran Shea to come up with the job of holding the camera and doing the interviews after the guests leave. He said that's when Gange stopped driving out to his house. He's getting paid to do that job but he still wanted to pay Gange to come out to his house to help him out with a little more money.

  Howard told Gange that he could actually learn from Ralph. He said Ralph thinks about him 24 hours a day and that's what Gange should be doing. He told him how Ralph will be on the job very quickly when he asks him to do something. Gange said that he does stuff for Howard and he's not sure why he's going off on him about this one thing. Ralph told Gange that he should be thinking of his future and do some of this stuff now to insure that he has a future there. Robin summed it up and told Gange that he's just dumb.

  Howard told Gange that Ralph will come up with jobs like cutting his nasal hairs. He said Ralph will actually stand there and cut the hairs out of his nose. Now he needs Ralph around to do that job. He can't live without Ralph. He told Gange he can live without him if he's not going to help him out with those jobs he asks him to do.

  Ralph told Gange that the job Howard is asking him to do isn't that bad and it's not like that car he has is even that old. Gary said the person really burning up over this is Grillo. He said Grillo never even gets those types of job offers. Howard said Grillo came out to help him out at his house and the kid was a nightmare. There were always problems when he tried to get there. He called him a psycho. Grillo came in and said that he did the work that was supposed to be done. Howard said Grillo can't even get him steamed rice. Howard goofed on Grillo about that and how he can't get anyone to give him the correct type of rice. Gange said he heard Grillo saying the F-word over and over again while he was on the phone with someone about the rice. Howard said he's going to make Gary in charge of that stuff from now on.

  Howard said he's not sure what to use Grillo for on the show anymore. He can't even go and get the right rice for him. Grillo said that it's not like everyone is making rice at that time of morning so it's not easy to try a lot of different places. Ralph tried giving him some advice about when to call and what to ask those places when he's trying to get the right food.

  Howard asked Grillo about how a building is built and found out that he knew the process of that and other things but he still couldn't make the rice thing happen. He said Grillo isn't able to articulate how a lunch is supposed to be made so he has to figure out what to do with the guy. He figured that he was the right man to get his lunch but he was apparently wrong. Grillo said he's been getting his lunch for him for 3 years now and he will continue to do it. Robin said that his willingness isn't the problem, it's his execution.

  Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Grillo and Gange about their jobs. Then Gary came in with his evaluation letter for Grillo so Howard quickly read through that. Then he read the letter that Grillo sent to them asking for the intern job. There were a bunch of spelling mistakes that Howard pointed out as he was reading through it. He almost stopped because it was too painful to read. He didn't stop though and continued to point out his spelling and grammatical errors.

  Everyone was getting a laugh out of the letter. They were all goofing on Grillo about what he wrote. Howard noticed that Basil had some chap-stick all over his upper lip so he goofed on him a little bit about that. He got back to Grillo's letter and finished that up.

  Chris the intern came in because he wanted to argue about having a better academic background than some of the other interns there. Stuttering John said that all three of the interns were kind of like that. They all argue with each other over that stuff all the time. John said Basil is the least confrontational of all of them though. Howard talked to those guys about their educations and how the schools they go to are really just like the 13th grade and not even real colleges.

  Howard said that he has to keep the guys in the back office where it's really cold. There's no heat so they got them a space heater and told Grillo to turn it on when he gets there first thing in the morning. The first day he didn't even turn it on. It was turned on but not plugged in. Ralph said that the problem is that Grillo doesn't check his work. Howard noticed that Chris' mouth was moving but no words were coming out. Grillo said that happens all the time. He talks but doesn't really say anything. It's like he's mouthing what he's thinking but no words come out.

  Howard said he has to figure out what job to give Grillo. He needs something that he can handle. He can't give him more than one job though. Howard decided to let the guys go so he could take a break.

• Jackie Puppet Arrives. 11/15/1994. 7:20am
  Howard came back from break and gave Jackie some plugs for his Jokeland stuff. Billy West was in and started doing his Jackie Puppet voice. Howard said he's working on a Holiday special featuring all of the puppets on the show. They'll have puppets of all of the guys on the show including Jackie. Jackie Puppet started telling some jokes like ''What goes 10, 9, 8, 7...?'' ''Bo Derek getting older!'' Jackie Puppet was laughing at all of his own jokes just like the real Jackie does. Robin wasn't laughing much though so Howard told her that he gets angry when she doesn't laugh.

  Jackie Puppet was doing his Chinese and black impressions for Howard. He did them just like the real Jackie does them. He told some more jokes and cracked himself up after that. Billy was doing all of Jackie's many laughs and making inside jokes about Jackie's wife and stuff like that. Howard said he had to take a quick break after that but mentioned that they had Pamela Anderson coming in today. He talked about her for a short time and how there were rumors about her being on heroin. He said Pamela wants to address those charges today.

  Jackie Puppet started going nuts again drinking fake beer and laughing hysterically. Howard asked the puppet if he's ever done heroin. The puppet said he did shoot it up and then fell asleep. He drank some more beer and let out a burp and then said he pissed his pants. Jackie Puppet wouldn't answer Robin's questions, he was just laughing and going nuts the whole time. Howard went to break a short time later.

• Stuttering John's Music Discussed. 11/15/1994. 7:35am
  After the break Fred was playing a Stuttering John song that sounded pretty good to Howard and Robin. They wondered how that was possibly John and said that he ruins it when he starts singing. Gary brought in the CD so Howard could listen to the whole thing instead of just the guitar part. He said he was still with it after john started making some noise in it. Then John started singing. Howard still stuck with it even after John started singing though.

  Howard asked John why they didn't release that song as the single. John wasn't sure why they did things they way they did. John said that they're going to change the name of the band because some people might not be playing it because of the name of the band. Howard said the stations lie when they say that it matters. Howard told him to call his band ''Big Dope'' or something like that. Gary said the record company sent the album to a station under a different name and when the station found out it was John, they yelled at the record company.

  Howard told John that the next time he makes a music video, he should talk to him first. He said the video he made using Gilbert Gottfried didn't come out that great. Gilbert talks over the music and it's just the wrong thing to do. Howard told John to put hot chicks in his video. John said that he was told that MTV doesn't want chicks because that's out now. He said they made him take the chicks out of his video. Robin and Howard said that's because they didn't look good and weren't hot. John disagreed about that but Howard insisted that they weren't that hot.

  Howard told John to get out of there because he had a million things to get to. John was leaving so Howard goofed on him about being in the Tony and Tina's Wedding play. He explained what that whole thing is about. He said it's an interactive show where you pretend to be at a wedding. Howard said he doesn't want to have to work at a fake wedding like that. John said you don't have to, you can just sit and watch the ceremony if he wants. Howard still didn't seem to be into something like that at all.

  Howard got a clip of John acting at the Tony and Tina's Wedding thing so he played that. John said he's only done it for about 3 nights now. In the clip you hear a lot of noise in the background. John was playing the part of the Best Man and doing an Italian accent. That led to the Jackie Puppet doing his Italian accent for Howard a little bit. Howard heard that the cast is being driven crazy because John isn't an actor but he got a starring role in the play.

  Howard took a call from one of the actors from the play. The guy, Michael, said that he's been working in the play for years and has had other professional acting jobs. He said that John is actually good in the play. Gary said that he changed his story from the other day. That led to Howard hanging up on the guy since he lied just to get on the air. Gary said the guy said that John sucked just to get on the air.

  Jackie was goofing on John so John shot back at him telling him that he's sold more records with just his one release than Jackie has sold with 18 releases. He goofed on him saying that he actually got paid to make his album while Jackie pays to make his own.

  Howard played more of John's speech from the play he was in. At one point John let out a stutter where he kind of choked and gagged so the guys picked up on that and goofed on him for a few minutes. Howard replayed the clip just to hear that sound again. Howard let it play through a little more but Fred was still making the gagging sound that john had made earlier. Howard wasn't sure if he should continue to play that stuff or take a break. Jackie told him to play just a little more. They were all still goofing on him and making that gagging sound.

  Howard played another clip where John and another guy were having a conversation at the play. According to Gange, no one else was listening in on the conversation. Fred and the guys goofed on John some more about the way he was delivering his lines. John figured that the producer of the play was probably freaking out hearing them goof on it. Howard said at least someone is talking about the play. Everyone in the studio was doing the gag sound that John had made earlier. Howard had to go to break a short time later.

• Pamela Anderson Calls In To Deny Heroin Rumors. 11/15/1994. 8:00am
  After the break Howard said they got a call from this publicist from a TV show that used to be a sponsor of theirs. Gary said he told the publicist that a lot of girls who come on the show want to get naked but he wasn't going to suggest that to them. The publicist wasn't sure that would happen but got back to him and told them that they were willing to get naked. Howard saw the pictures of the girls and said they were pretty and he'd like to see them naked.

  Howard said that these women were going to fly in from Los Angeles to get naked for them. Then they got this note from them. He got interrupted and was told that Pamela Anderson was on the phone so he went right to that. Pam was having trouble with her voice so Howard asked her if that was from the heroin. Pam jokingly said that must be what it is. She said she doesn't even know what heroin looks like. Robin said that if that's what you look like when you are on heroin, maybe she should start taking it.

  Howard asked Pam about the rumors of the heroin use. Pam said she really has never seen what the stuff looks like and has never used it. She said she's going to be suing The Globe over the story because it's just not true. Howard read through the article. Pam said that she has a lawyer who is willing to help her out with this and not charge her for it.

  Howard told Pam that he thought it was kind of sexy that she was doing heroin. He figured he'd have no problem getting her if she was on drugs. Pam said she heard that she was even in detox for the drug use so at least that was one positive thing. Howard told Pam that if she farted and bottled it, he'd buy it from her. He said she has no idea what he'd do to her if he had the chance to be with her.

  Howard read part of the article where they claimed that Pam was in rehab at some treatment center. She said that people should be able to check and find out that's just not true. She said she wouldn't even go to that place if she was going to go to rehab. Pam said that she was freaking out so much yesterday that she couldn't even call into the show to talk to Howard. She's really anti-drug and she doesn't do anything herself. She has people around her who smoke but she doesn't do it herself.

  Howard figured that Pam would make millions from this lawsuit and she'll never have to work again. He said when he heard this story he figured he could get a lot off of her if she really was on heroin. He asked her what she was wearing and found out she had sweatpants on but no panties. Howard seemed to like that and he'd just need to look at that to get off.

  Pam said that she did go to the hospital recently after she fainted. She said she was over at Brett's house when she passed out and had to go. She said that Brett had low blood sugar himself so she got up to help him out but that's when her legs gave out on her when she went downstairs to get him something to help. They called an ambulance and they showed up. Howard asked if the guys who showed up flipped a coin to figure out who was going to help her. She said she went to the hospital after that and got checked out. Howard said this is what doctors dream of. They want to check out these hot chicks.

  Howard said that anyone who examines Pam must not wash their hands for six years. He asked Pam who checked her in at the hospital and asked for all the details about who checked her out. She said the paramedics put the EKG stuff on her and had to stick their hands down her shirt, but just above her breasts. They brought her into the hospital and put her in a bed at the hospital. She was wearing a long shirt that she had on at the house. She had nothing under the shirt, no panties or anything. Jackie was giggling in the background when he heard all of that.

  Howard said he had to think about all of that stuff while he was hearing the details. He had her continue her story and found out she never had to get naked. She kept her shirt on the whole time. She didn't have to get naked at any time. Even when the doctor was checking her breathing and stuff he just put his hand under her shirt.

  Pam was coughing and having trouble with her voice. She was sick so Howard asked her where Brett was and why he wasn't there to help her out. Howard asked Pam about going to the gynecologist and how that all works for her. She said that she'll get into one of those paper gowns. Howard figured that her huge breasts must have been breaking through the paper. She wasn't sure about that. Howard asked her if the doctor examines her with one hand. She said he uses both. Robin got in on that conversation and talked about how horrible those visits can be. Robin said that the doctor gets in there and disappears for a short time while they do the examination.

  Gary came in and said that Gange told him about this week's Baywatch. That led to Howard asking Pam about the episode where they had some midgets. Pam said she's pretty sure she was in that episode. Howard told Pam that if they take her off that show, he's done with it. He's only watching it for her. He told her that if she does a little dope, that's fine with him.

  Howard told Pam they had her ex-boyfriend Scott Baio on the show not too long ago. He had some nice things to say about her. They also found out that she dated Dean Cain for a short time as well. Howard said that Pam needs a guy who can be funny, like Howard Stern. Gary told Howard about this episode where Pam is rolling around in bed for about 10 minutes. Pam said it was a fantasy about money and that's why she was rolling around in bed the way she was in that episode. Howard talked about how tight her belly is and how he wants to kiss the flatness of that belly the next time she comes in.

  Gange came in and talked about the episode that he watched this week and how great it was. She was in all kinds of outfits and rolling around on the bed. Howard was still talking about the gynecologist thing and telling her what he'd do to her if he was the doctor. He said he'd make a game out of the whole thing. He said he'd be in the corner putting a condom on and then he'd be telling her ''Look, no hands! That's not my finger in there!'' He then muffled his voice as if he were inside of her looking around. Howard told her that she's so beautiful that it takes his breath away.

  Howard asked Pam how often she goes to the gynecologist. She said it's twice a year so Howard went into his doctor voice again and had a conversation with her as if he were trying to get her in there when she didn't have an appointment.

  Howard asked Pam if Brett was there with her. She said no one was there but her brother was in the other room. She said he looks just like her too. Howard read her some of The Globe article about her heroin use and gave her all the details about that. Pam claims it's not true and there have been other reports about her that were wrong as well. She said that she's suing and so are the people who run Baywatch. Howard told her that people will still believe the story even if they win the lawsuit. Pam said that she's really pissed off about the whole thing.

  Howard asked Pam when she's going to be back in New York because he really wants to see her. She said she's got some trips planned but she'll be back to promote her TV movie. She said the whole drug thing is crazy because she's never done any at all and doesn't even smoke. Howard told Pam he loves her. She told him she loves him too. Howard told her he doesn't just love her, he LOVES her. Pam told him that she was on a motorcycle love ride the other day and someone said that she was ''Howard Stern's girl.'' Howard had to wrap up after that so he could take a commercial break. He gave her a bunch of kisses as he was hanging up. He said he'd like to pump her full of heroin and have her pass out on his bed so he could do all kinds of stuff to her. He said ever woman should be like her. He went to break after that.

• Susan Smith Case Discussed. 11/15/1994. 8:50am
  Howard came back from break and said that they were talking about this Susan Smith woman who drowned her kids. The people in her town were being interviewed about what she did and he thinks that would be like anyone asking him about the deaths in New York City. He and Robin talked about some of the people who have been interviewed about that whole thing and how dopey some of them seem. Howard said that some of the people interviewed lived an hour away from where Susan lived.

  The guys were also talking about how they blamed a black guy for stealing the kids away from Susan so the black community was very upset when they found out that Susan had killed the kids herself. Howard said he's just sick of seeing those people being interviewed. He said they should put it behind them and realize that woman was a kook and she killed her kids.

  Gary said that he heard that the kids were holding hands when they were found dead. Robin said he heard that the kids were asleep when they were rolled into the water and the 3 year old probably woke up and flailed around in a panic. No one was sure how anyone knew that kind of detail though.

• Gary's Disgusting Bathroom Habits And More. 11/15/1994. 9:00am
  Howard said Gary has a weird move in the bathroom. He said he was in there and saw Gary washing his hands. He grabbed for a paper towel but Gary grabbed it and passed it to him. Howard said he doesn't want a paper towel from him and it's really disgusting to have a wet paper towel from Gary. Gary said he had washed his hands so they were clean. Howard figured that he should have washed his hands after that. Gary apologized for doing that. He said he was just trying to be nice.

  (After an edited out commercial) Howard said that he wasn't sure he wanted to get into it more but he was in the middle of yelling at Gary. He was also going off on John for letting a caller through who was scamming them. Howard said he didn't want it on the air, it was something that they should leave off the air but he was still yelling at John for what he had done.

  John was trying to put some of the blame on Grillo but Howard told him that he can't even buy rice so it doesn't matter. Howard said they were having that argument off the air but Jackie told him they should be doing it on the air so that's what he did. Howard said he was going to finish this story but he was still on the stupid case of that woman who drowned her kids. He mentioned the Sally Jesse Raphael show where she went down to the funeral and covered it like she was one of the mourners. Howard said it's like she was part of a Tony and Tina's Wedding show. He said he wished she had jumped in the hole with the kids.

  Howard said he was thinking about how they found out that the kids were holding hands when they died but then they can't figure out if OJ really killed his wife or not. He pointed out that they can't pin anything on AC Cowling even though he was driving the truck down the highway that day. He finds that amazing. They had video of him driving but they can't figure out how to charge him with anything. That led to the guys talking about Judge Ito and what he's been up to on TV lately.

• Howard's TV Show Idea. 11/15/1994. 9:10am
  Howard said he was watching the news last night where they were sticking black guys out on the street trying to get cabs. He said he could watch that stuff all day long. He said one time this guy Michael Moore stuck a black guy on the street and just a few feet in front of him they stuck a circus clown. The cab drivers would always pick up the clown and pass the black guy by. Howard said that's the greatest kind of TV when they do that stuff.

  Howard said they should take a black guy and stick him out on the street to do an experiment. They have cameras now so they can do that. They'll have a gay guy with a live tiger and the black guy to see who gets picked up first. Then they can stick a gay guy with a giant sign that reads ''I have AIDS'' holding an IV to see who gets picked up. Jackie was laughing his ass off thinking about that idea. Howard thinks they could turn that into a network TV show. He had to go to break after that.

• Robin's News. 11/15/1994. 9:15am
  After the break Billy West was making some fart sounds but he wasn't on the mic. Howard mentioned that they heard a tape of William Shatner going off on an engineer who had asked him to go over some of his lines. Billy did his impression of Shatner saying ''Don't tell me how to do my lines... it sickens me.'' Howard said that was the best line ever. He and the guys talked about Shatner saying the word ''sabotage'' as ''sabataage.'' Billy was doing the voice of Shatner as they were going through all of that. Howard said it was the greatest tape and everyone should have it.

  Howard had Robin get into her news after the Shatner discussion. Robin started her first story and mentioned the word tainted which got Billy into his Jackie Puppet voice. She was talking about the OJ Simpson case so the guys spent some time on that.

  Steve Grillo came in with his lunch during the news so Howard looked at it and said it looked like it had oil on it. He said he may have been wrong about that though. He tasted it and it seemed to be okay but he closed up the package and put it away because he wasn't hungry.

  The guys spent some more time goofing on Sally Jesse Raphael during the news after Robin read some news about her. Howard said she's as phony as a red headed Chinaman. They had to take a break after that.

• Sally Jesse Raphael Show Producer Calls In. 11/15/1994. 9:40am
  After the break Gary came in and said that he had a producer, Christina, from the Sally Jesse Raphael show who wanted to talk to him about what they were saying about the show. Howard said he didn't know what she wanted to say but he found her show to be tasteless when she went to cover the funerals of those children. He pointed out that Sally didn't let anyone into the funeral of her family member a couple of years ago. Christina said that Sally went down there to cover the very sensitive story and she didn't go there just to cover the funeral. She was talking to the townspeople there.

  Howard asked if Sally went to the funeral. Christina said she stopped by just to pay her respects. Howard said she showed up dressed in black with cameras with her. Christina said that there were news crews all over the place there and she wasn't the only one there. Howard wondered why she had to do it on camera if she was there to pay her respects. Howard told Christina that he just leaves people alone. That's what he did for that town. He said he wouldn't try to make money by covering that story on a TV show.

  Howard said that they did it just for ratings and they can't convince him that they did that for any other reason. Christina said that Howard talking about this on his show is capitalizing on the story too. Robin said their complaint was that Sally was there at the funeral, that's what they were complaining about. Her covering the story on her show is no problem. Howard said if Sally's kids die, he's going to go to the funeral and then ask Christina if she finds anything wrong with that.

  Howard argued with Christina about the story and he could hear other voices in her office yelling out to her so she'd know what words to use. Howard said that they were just cashing in on the funeral because it was a gold mine of ratings for the show. He did an impression of what might have gone on there at the funeral when they were trying to get good shots for the TV show. Not too long after that Christina hung up on him. Howard continued to goof on the way they might have run the shoot down there at the funeral.

  Howard said at least he admits that everything he does on his show is for ratings. He doesn't try to cover it up as being sympathy for the town where some kids were killed. Howard said he hopes that Sally doesn't outlive all of her family members, that would be bad news for his show. He wants to be able to cover some of the funerals she goes to. He had Robin get back to her news after that.

  Gary came back in a short time later and said that he found out another story about Sally Jesse's show and how they had asked someone to come on the show after someone in their family had died. Howard said they really are despicable over there. He said he loves how they tell you they don't do this stuff for ratings. There's no other reason to do it.

  Robin got back to her news. After she was done Howard ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - November 21, 1994. 02/22/07. 6:00am
  On today's Master Tape Theatre replay we heard the November 21, 1994 show. This show was not in my archives so I've written it up as if I was hearing it for the first time.

• David Letterman Discussions. 11/21/1994. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Audio clip of a black group talking about their hate for the whites, Ponce de La Phone prank call to a talk show, Tom Jones performing ''Everyday People'' live in Howard's studio, A David Letterman intro for Howard.

  Howard started off the show talking about how he comes in every morning and reads the newspaper. He said almost every article was about how Letterman and Leno are a tenth of a point apart in the ratings. He said he read one article about how unhappy Dave Letterman is. He said if the guy is so miserable, he should just leave. Howard said he likes Letterman's show but he doesn't think he's reinvented the wheel or anything. Robin said that's obvious if he's scrapping with Jay Leno for ratings. Howard said they describe a psychopath in the article and he doesn't believe it.

  Howard and Robin said they should put a camera in his office after the show to see Dave yelling and screaming like they describe in the article. Fred threw in a strange sound effect so Howard asked him what was up with that. Robin said it was awfully early in the show for him to be starting the audio clips too.

  Howard said he thinks Dave is trying to make himself seem interesting but it's just not working. He said that there's another weird move in those articles. He said they talk about how they edited out a reference to Leno on a show recently. Dave said something to Don Rickles about Jay and had it edited out. Howard wondered why Dave would have it cut out and then tell reporters that he had it cut out if he didn't want it out there.

• Captain Janks' Latest Prank Call. 11/21/1994. 6:05am
  Howard said he had Captain Janks on the phone. Janks made a new prank call to Alex Trebeck so he wanted to get to that. Janks told Howard he was on AM Philadelphia so he wanted to play it for him. He played the clip in which Janks asks Alex if he likes Howard Stern. Alex said he doesn't listen much but he thinks Howard is intelligent and wishes he didn't have to go way out there to get an audience. Alex had heard that Howard had done a ''Nude Jeopardy'' but the host never heard of that one.

  Howard said it sounds like Alex knew more about the show than he was letting on. He went on to talk about Alex and how he sounds more like a lawyer than a game show host. He said there's that one segment on Jeopardy where he talks to the guests and it's always a disaster. Howard let Janks go and as he was getting off the phone, Janks played a call he made to Rev. Jesse Jackson.

• Howard's TV Watching. 11/21/1994.6:10am
  Howard said he was watching TV over the weekend and checking out some of his own ''Howard Stern Interview'' shows. Then he got into bed and watched some other stuff. He watched one movie with Helen Hunt as a female football player. He said he loved watching that stuff. Gary knew the special he was talking about and how it was actually a TV special. Howard said he was watching Earth 2 but the show is turning out to be pretty bad.

  Howard said he saw some 60 Minutes and also thought that the Superman show sucked last night. He said the story was really lame. He and Robin talked about the storyline of that show and how it didn't make much sense and they're making it into a love story. He said it's not working and it blows. It's just not cool.

  Robin said she watched Hercules this weekend and figured Howard must have seen that. Howard missed that one and said he doesn't really see the stuff that's on channel 9. He said Ralph called him at one point and told him to check out Pamela Anderson on channel 9 because she was on Baywatch. Ralph came in the studio and talked about how that episode went down. They had a treasure hunt going on and people were getting hurt out on the beach so David Halsslehoff's character was all upset about that. Then Pamela has a dream about having money and going to do a Playboy shoot.

  Ralph said there was one scene where this fat DJ was dreaming about Pam and running to her on the beach. He said the whole show was fantasy sequences. Ralph also said he and Howard were talking to each other on the phone about shows that they were watching together. Howard said they were checking out this VJ on MTV by the name of Idalles how is really hot. They spent a couple of minutes talking about their conversation and how they sat there watching her together.

  Gary said you can tell when it's November because in sweeps month they have a lot of hot chicks on TV. The Victoria's Secret show was on. Howard said he can't even watch that stuff. He was thinking about how God must have played a trick on him by teasing him with all the hot chicks out there. He said he's married and he has all of these hot chicks coming on to him and he can't do a thing about it.

  Howard said he and Ralph tuned into Extra and watched that together. Gary said they do the same stuff during sweeps month and always feature the hot chick segments. That led to Howard talking about how there was someone talking about the same kind of stuff he's been fined by the FCC for. He complained about that and how he thinks President Clinton isn't doing anything about it and he's going to lose the election because of stuff like that.

  Ralph was making some comments that Howard wasn't too thrilled with so he kicked him out of the studio and told him he had overstayed his welcome.

• Jackie's Reagan Joke Causes Problems. 11/21/1994. 6:25am
  Howard said he was reading about Patti Davis-Reagan in an article and they mentioned Jackie's name in there. He read the article where they said that Jackie was cracking jokes about Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's at this event he went to. Jackie said it was much worse than the article was saying. He told the joke to a girl who was interviewing him. He said he walked out to the VIP room and then Patty came over to him and he told her the joke in person, he didn't tell it to the crowd. She went off on him because she didn't like the joke. He knows that it was a stupid thing to do.

  Howard said Jackie is very self destructive and he doesn't know what to do. He said that a lot of comedy clubs were turned off by Jackie's antics. Howard complained and said that Patty probably hates him now because of what Jackie said. He said his name is all over the article even though he had nothing to do with it. Gary came in and asked what the joke was. Jackie said that he said Patty was the person who realized her father had Alzheimer's because he was actually returning her calls. He thought that was pretty funny. Howard agreed it was kind of funny but he shouldn't have told the joke to Patty.

  Howard and Robin tried to explain to Jackie what he did wrong but Robin figured he still didn't get it. Jackie said he knows it was wrong to tell that joke. He said he apologized to her up and down and she did calm down after he did that.

  Gary asked her what she did when he told her the joke. He said she went ballistic on him and told him it wasn't appropriate to tell a joke like that. He said he apologized to her for that and thought he had smoothed things over. Howard spent a few more minutes goofing on Jackie about all of that. He was making fun of him and said that he read that article and knew it was Jackie out on the town again causing problems. Fred played some clips of this kid doing impressions of Jackie that Howard was imitating.

  Howard did an impression of Jackie talking to Patti Davis and then Billy West picked up the Jackie Puppet and started telling Patti Davis-Reagan jokes as Jackie. He told a few Reagan jokes and laughed just like Jackie might do. Howard asked Jackie Puppet if he was drinking when he went up to Patty. Jackie Puppet took a gulp of beer as an answer. He then told another Reagan joke and laughed his ass off at himself. Howard thanked the puppet for chiming in on that. He said he had to take a break after that. Jackie Puppet continued to make inappropriate jokes and guzzled some more fake beer.

  Howard wondered what Jackie is going to say to Arnold Schwarzenegger when he comes in. Jackie said he's going to call him a big, stupid kraut. Howard read more of the article about Jackie cracking those jokes to Patty and did some of his impression again. Jackie Puppet was giving Jackie some advice about his career but Howard had to go to break during that.

• Jackie Puppet Ready To Ruin Another Friendship. 11/21/1994. 6:50am
  After the break Howard said that Jackie was apparently waiting for them to find out about the Patti Davis-Reagan thing. He knew it was going to be bad but didn't bring it up. Jackie said he must need someone like Kreskin to tell him what not to say. Howard told him it's just common sense.

  Howard moved on and said that Ivan Reitman and Arnold Schwarzenegger were going to be stopping by this morning. Robin was impressed with that but Howard said Jackie will probably lose them as guests for them. Howard said he heard from Ivan that he doesn't like the Jackie Puppet. Howard said Jackie gets defensive over that puppet. Jackie interrupted and said that people out there really think that it's him talking when Billy does that voice. He said they come up to him all the time and ask him how he can say certain things. He said he has to tell them that it's the puppet, not him.

  Howard said that Ivan is a big fan of the show but the puppet is one thing he's not a fan of. Jackie Puppet went off on Ivan making fun of him. Howard told him to calm down and not make fun of Ivan when he comes in. He said he doesn't need him ruining his relationship with Ivan.

• Various News Stories And Discussions. 11/21/1994. 6:55am
  Howard said there's some guy who is the governor of West Virginia who came to New York and said that Harlem is not a place for tourists. Howard and Robin said that's true but now people are upset with him making a comment like that. Howard said that it's not safe to walk through that part of the city. He warned people to avoid Harlem and run for their lives if they accidentally end up there. He said that's the way it is and now this guy from West Virginia is in trouble for saying that.

  Howard read some stories about these politicians who are creating golden parachutes for themselves which will make them more money when they retire than they were making while working. He said that these politicians are like lawyers and lawyers are filth, dirt and garbage in general. He said he has a couple of good ones himself but most of the other out there are ambulance chasers. Howard went on to explain how these guys get their careers. He said that Lawyers do nothing but walk around looking for trumped up lawsuits. He said Andy Rooney was talking about the dangerous toys segments that are on the news every year and how they're brought out by the lawyers out there. Howard said it's a despicable occupation as far as he's concerned.

  Howard changed subjects and said that Glenn Close's hair line is a mystery to him. He saw a picture of her in the paper that must have been disturbing. He also read a TV critic's column about these talk shows like Jenny Jones and others where they have hoax guests on the show. When they're revealed though, it doesn't make a difference. He and Robin spent a little time on that subject. Robin also brought up a story about a Sally Jesse Raphael show where she was going to have a guest on who had abused 11 of his own children.

  Howard said he was reading about how even Jesse Jackson was saying that when he walks through the city, he looks behind him to see who's behind him and he's relieved when it's a white person. Howard said he doesn't care, he's just trying to get through the weekend. He doesn't know what any of that stuff means. He said that none of it really bothers him... other than the fact that he can't have sex with strange women. He said even President Clinton can get a little on the side and get away with it. He had to go to break after that.

• Bad Radio And Bad TV. 11/21/1994. 7:10am
  Howard came back from break and talked about other disc jockeys who laugh at everything they say. He said that Rick Dees does it and he doesn't get why they laugh at the weather. He said that's why he hates this industry. That led to Billy West doing an impression of what that might be like and talked about traffic being backed up and laughing at his comments.

  Howard said that on HBO they rerun a bunch of movies over and over again. He mentioned ''Soul Man'' and another movie that they show all the time. He said this one movie is the worst he's ever seen but he's watched it about 100 times. He was also talking about how he watches a lot of HBO and can't get started with all of the other channels that are available.

  Howard ended up talking about his E! show and how they need to get that channel more exposure. He said he wants the E! channel on his cable system but they're refusing to put it on. He said people wanted to see the tickle show last week and people weren't able to see it. Howard figures that the cable companies will put the channel on some tier that will cost people five bucks a month. He said there's so much crap on his cable system already.

  Howard was watching this Mother Angelica show the other day and explained what was going on there. He said they go to abortion clinics and show pictures of the virgin mother to make the women think about that before getting abortions. Howard said he's got Mother Angelica on one channel and insects mating on another channel. He said he likes insect channels but he doesn't need 50 of them.

  Gary said that the FCC threw a wrench into things a few months ago when they forced local channels to be added to the systems. Howard said the FCC should be de-monopolizing the cable companies. He cut himself off and said he wanted to move on to some Stuttering John tapes.

• Stuttering John Interviews Nancy Kerrigan. 11/21/1994. 7:15am
  Howard said Stuttering John went out to interview Nancy Kerrigan the other day but she refused to answer his questions. John came in and said that he was just a few feet from her yelling out questions. She kept looking at him and got upset by him. He said she tried to ignore him but she would look at him and kind of smile but would also shake her head. He said there were about 100 people there too.

  Howard played the audio where John threw out his questions. He asked her to say ''Why, why, why?'' to him. He also asked her if she had seen the Tanya Harding sex video yet. He also asked her if she had ever gotten frostbite on her ass and if she had ever heard of Howard. She said ''hi'' at that point but didn't have anything else to say. John asked her if she had a heated bra but she didn't answer any of those questions. John kept going and kept asking the questions even though she wasn't answering. John asked her if there were any lesbian ice skaters and stuff like that. He eventually gave up.

  Howard told John he did good with that interview. He and the guys talked about how John just goes in like those guys who fought in wars where they'd just run out and try to fight in the open. They spent a short time on that and then went to break.

• Ivan Reitman And Arnold Schwarzenegger Visit. 11/21/1994. 7:30am
  After the break Howard was asking how many more months he had on his contract. Jackie told him he had 12 more. Howard said he was going to retire after that contract was up. He said he woke up that morning and got a nauseous feeling in his stomach.

  Howard said that Ivan Reitman showed up but Arnold Schwarzenegger hadn't gotten there yet. He said Ivan is the producer of the movie so he makes sure he gets there on time. He said Ivan is very psyched about the movie and keeps talking it up like it's the best.

  Howard said that Ivan was out there with his son this morning. He said he brought him into a business meeting with him the other day as well. He said that's just not the right thing to do when you have a business meeting like that. He said the kid is a little kid, he's not of the age that he'd be in the business yet. He also brought up Ivan's wife and how hot she is. He figured he could bring Ivan in even though Arnold wasn't there yet.

  Gary told Howard that Arnold was on his way in and he'd be there shortly. Howard asked Gary how old Ivan's son is. Gary guessed he was about 18-20 and he had his girlfriend with him. Howard told Gary to bring in Ivan's son and his girlfriend and not Ivan. Howard spent some time talking about Ivan and how much he thinks he's worth while he waited for the son to come in.

  Gary went out and got Jason Reitman and his girlfriend. Howard asked him if he wants to be a director like his dad. Jason said ''maybe.'' Howard talked about that meeting his father had with him and how he brought Jason with him. He said he thought it was going to be a good meeting but then he sees Jason on the couch. He said he likes the kid but it's inappropriate to have your kid at a meeting like that. Robin wondered if he's always at meetings like that. Jason said he's been doing that stuff since he was a little kid. Howard moved on to Jason's girlfriend and spent some time talking to her. He said if she ends up marrying her, she's going to have to sign a pre-nup.

  Howard asked Jason if his father brought him to any meetings with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jason said ''Umm, no.'' Howard said that shows that Ivan doesn't respect him like he respects Arnold. Howard said it's like Ivan was teasing him and not being serious about the meeting he had with him. Jason also told Howard that he's 17 years old. Howard said he thinks he was about 12 when he met him for the first time.

  Howard asked the girlfriend how Jason told her about who his father was. Howard said he would tell her right away but Jason said he waited about a week. Howard asked him what kind of car he drives. Jason said he has a Jeep. Howard said he might have a Jeep now but by the time he gets to college, he'll probably have a Ferrari. Howard talked to Jason about the kind of money his father must have but Jason downplayed it a bit. Howard told him to just master in math and count the money he's going to inherit.

  Gary came in and said that Ivan was saying that it might be time to end Jason's time on the air. Howard told him to bring Ivan in there. Ivan came in a short time later with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold was telling Howard he likes his new look. Howard let Jason go while they were coming in. He went on to talk to Ivan about how he got started in the business with ''Animal House,'' ''Stripes,'' ''Ghost Busters'' and others. Arnold said that Ivan's wife must be smiling all the time.

  Arnold was saying there was an article about Ivan where they called him the ''billion dollar director'' and there must be a reason for that. He said the guy can make money. Arnold went on to say that he was hunting down Ivan to get him to do this movie ''Junior'' with him. Howard asked him if Ivan brought his son to their business meeting like he did with him. Arnold said there are times when each of their families are there. Howard told Arnold how handsome he is and said he never realized just how handsome he was.

  Howard told Arnold he had Danny Devito coming in to say hello to Arnold this morning. He had the guys bring in Marty the Midget who was pretending to be Danny. Howard said Ivan didn't like that joke because he didn't write it. Arnold asked Ivan how many times he's been on the show. Ivan said this was the first time being on the air so Arnold warned him that this was just the beginning.

  Howard asked the guys if they had seen his pay-per-view special because he wanted them to check out Nicole Bass and tell him if she's a man or a woman. Arnold said he knows Nicole and he knows that she's a woman. Nicole came in a short time later and gave Arnold a kiss. Howard said he doesn't insult anyone but he wasn't sure if Nicole was really a woman. Arnold said that he knows this is a woman. Nicole said that Arnold actually got her started in the business and introduced her to some people.

  Howard said that Nicole had to have taken steroids to have gotten as big as she is. Arnold said she's been working out for over 10 years and he knows that she works out 4 hours a day and they should forget about the steroids. He said you don't get like that just from taking steroids. He said she'd still have to work out a lot to get there. Howard was going to let Nicole go but she had seen ''Junior'' so she told them how great it was. She said it was very funny and she didn't understand why it was rated PG, it should have been rated G.

  Howard told Nicole to get away from Arnold and kicked her out of the studio. Howard asked Arnold if he would ever have sex with her if he was stuck on a island or something. He figured Arnold would never do it. Arnold said she would be a great training partner.

  Howard asked Ivan about this movie and Ivan went on to tell Howard about how great Arnold is and that's why he's worked with him 3 times already. Howard talked about what this movie is about and how Arnold plays the part of a man who gets pregnant and carries a baby. They spent some time talking about the movie and what Arnold goes through as a pregnant man. Howard said the movie is safe to take kids to and his wife was saying that she would bring their kids to see it.

  Howard talked to Arnold about hanging out with Ivan and how that must make Ivan very happy. He wondered how he can get networked into that lifestyle himself. He found out that the two of them might meet up a dozen times throughout the year. Howard also asked Ivan how he met his wife. Ivan went through that story and said he thinks that his wife really loves him.

  Howard asked Arnold about his wife and pointed out that she's a Kennedy and it must be great to have become a Kennedy himself. Howard asked him if the family goofs on John John for flunking the BAR exam. Arnold said they don't do that at all.

  Howard said that Arnold and Danny Devito make a great team in the movie. Ivan interrupted that and said that they really do work together. Arnold said that when he works with Ivan and Danny and other people he's worked with before, it makes things much more comfortable on the set. He was talking about how Ivan is a great director and he can make him feel very comfortable while making a movie. He went on and on about just how great the guy is. Howard was going to bring that whole conversation around to his own movie but Robin didn't want to hear it.

  Howard told Ivan to go ahead and compliment Arnold the way Arnold was complimenting him. Ivan said he thinks that Arnold has been underrated since he started out and he really has the true charisma of a movie star. He said he's very special. Howard was still wondering how he can get in on all of that stuff and actually go skiing with Arnold and Ivan. Ivan talked about what a great guy Howard is but Howard interrupted and said he saw that but then figured that the next movie he should make is with Arnold and not with him.

  Arnold said that it's tough to play the soft side of a character like he has done in this ''Junior'' movie. He said you have to be very secure in your masculinity to do that. Howard said that only Arnold could have played this part and he encouraged everyone to go see the movie. Arnold said that the movie opens this week and it's gotten great reviews so he thinks it's going to do very well. He's hoping that everyone goes to see it. Howard said Ivan seemed to be very happy with the promotion Arnold was giving the movie. Ivan said he was making it very easy on him because he didn't have to say a thing, Arnold was doing it all.

  Howard asked Arnold if Emma Thompson came on to him at all. Arnold said they had a couple of love scenes so they did have to kind of like each other to do those scenes. She did make him try to like her by grabbing him and shaking him, telling him that he had to love her that day they were shooting. He also said that when he went to a meeting with Ivan and Emma one time, she told him to lay on the floor and she hopped on top of him and rolled around with him on the floor kissing him all over. Howard wondered if Ivan had pulled his pants down during that meeting to pleasure himself. Arnold said Howard just had to go to that place. Howard continued that and said that Danny Devito's nose must have been very close to Emma's private area because he's so short.

  Howard said he heard that Danny had to wash his face every 5 minutes because he felt dirty being so close to the private parts of the women he was working with. The guys didn't want to go there with Howard so they tried to avoid answering those kind of questions. Howard said he felt he was getting a glimpse of the making of the movie and he liked it. Robin asked Ivan what Howard is going to do when he makes his first movie. Ivan said they have a read through and they all sit around a table and read through the script. Howard wondered if his son is going to be there too. Ivan said his son has been going for years.

  Howard said this was good for him to learn this stuff. He asked Ivan more about what he can do and also asked Arnold what he should eat to get into shape. Arnold told Howard that he hadn't eaten anything that morning so Howard said he pictures the guy eating a ton of food and moving his bowels about 40 times a day. Arnold said he doesn't think the audience would be interested in hearing about that stuff. Howard and Ivan both told him he's wrong about that.

  Howard said that the first time he spoke to Arnold, he was making a movement. He said he was down in Washington DC and he saw Arnold walking into the men's room. He said Arnold was in a stall in the bathroom and he wanted to go talk to him. He and Fred went in there and he heard Arnold doing his business. He asked Arnold if he was in there and Arnold kindly responded to him. Billy West was making fart sounds and doing his impression of Arnold crapping on the toilet. Howard said he and Arnold were bonding that day and he even asked him if there was any corn in there.

  Robin said Howard has been telling that story for years. He has people stand guard outside of his bathroom when he goes now. Howard said he goes about two times a day but he'd like to go 3 or 4 times. Arnold told him to eat plenty of bran. Howard asked Arnold if he uses a urinal or a stall. Arnold said he will use anything.

  Howard got back to Ivan and asked him more about this read through thing. He didn't get into it right away because he got sidetracked talking about other stuff. Ivan eventually got back to that part of the business. Arnold talked about some of his other movies. Howard told Arnold that he should start directing and make Ivan the star. Gary came in a short time later and told them they had to wrap up. Howard spent a few more minutes with the guys and thanked them for coming in. He congratulated the two of them on the movie and went to break a short time after that.

• Tricia The Dwarf And More. 11/21/1994. 8:40am
  Howard came back from break and read through some faxes about Arnold Schwarzenegger's appearance. He talked about how old the guy is and how he feels like he's a father figure to him or something. Robin said she felt like a little kid when she met him out in the hall.

  Howard said he gets kind of whacked out when he talks to Ivan because he's done so many great movies. Gary said the whole office was watching Howard talking to Ivan and Arnold out in the hall. Robin said Arnold hugged her. Howard said ''who wouldn't?'' Gary said they were heading out to do some pre-tape show for some morning TV shows.

  Howard said that Marty the Midget was there and he brought along a girl midget. He said everyone came running in to tell him how good looking she was. Gary brought her in a short time later and Howard said she's got a nice body and everything. She's in proportion so she looks pretty good. She's 4'7'' tall and she said that people don't really even think she's a midget or anything.

  Howard went over to her and stood next to her. She was saying she has a boyfriend who's 6'3'' tall. Howard stood next to her and fond that she came right up to his waist. Gary told Howard that he just found out she's a gymnast too. She did some poses for them and told Howard that she's trying to be a stunt person. Howard asked her about how sex works when she's so short and her boyfriend is so tall. She said it actually works just fine. Howard let Tricia go a short time later.

  Howard talked about how tough it has to be to be a midget woman than to be a midget guy. Robin said she'd like to meet more midgets to see how they react. Gary came in a short time later and told Robin that Arnold sent a note where he apologized for calling Robin ''Beverly'' at one point during the interview. Robin didn't remember hearing that from him though. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.

  Robin read through a bunch of news stories while Howard and Billy were goofing on some of the stuff she brought up. They were talking about Cindy Crawford at one point and Howard was talking about how he'd like to decorate her face like a birthday cake. Not too long after that Howard ended the show. He said he'd get to some phone calls tomorrow since he didn't get to many today. He ended the show with ''That Smell'' by Lynyrd Skynyrd but ended up interrupting it by talking about a special they ran on MTV and how they were bleeping out the word ''joint'' when they played the video. He said they'd probably have an air raid siren going off if they mentioned the word ''coke.'' Howard got back to the song and Fred threw in some Jackie audio clips and laughs as it was playing. The show was over by about 9:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).

• Master Tape Theatre - December 7, 1994. 01/26/07. 6:00am
  On this weeks Master Tape Theatre was a replay of the December 7, 1994 Howard Stern Show. Since this show was not in my archives, I wrote it up as if I were hearing it for the first time today.

• Howard Sick With A Cold. 12/07/1994. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Fred the Elephant Boy introduction for Howard during his run for Governor, a Howard Stern prank call, Father Bob Onya bit, James Taylor performing ''Carolina In My Mind,'' A David Letterman introduction for Howard.

  Howard started off the show talking about the cold he had. He said there's a lot to be said for having a regular 9-5 job where he wouldn't have to worry about things. He figured that being a stock broker would be pretty tough. He said he'd like to be a dog groomer or a chef. He can't imagine having to worry about the job after a full day's work as a chef. Either that or be the owner of a pizza shop or something like that. He couldn't handle a post office job or a bike messenger job.

  Howard said he thinks he eats right but maybe he doesn't eat enough. He said he might just need a 19 year old girlfriend. If he had that, he'd have a reason to live and to be healthy. That led to the guys talking about Fred getting married and ruining his life when he had the freedom to do anything. Howard said that there was some talk about how he and Robin would talk about how Fred hardly ever had sex when they knew him and then he goes out and gets married.

• Stuttering John At The Denise Brown Press Conference. 12/07/1994. 6:10am
  Fred played a song as they were in the middle of something so Howard asked who that was. Fred said it was KISS but it turned out it was White Zombie. Howard went off on him for a second about that and then getting back to his cold. He said getting up at 4 in the morning is really getting old for him. Robin said she was talking to someone about that and they didn't think it sounded all that bad.

  Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to today. He said they have some Stuttering John interviews that he did at a press conference that Denise Brown (Nicole Simpson's sister) was at. Howard requested an interview with her because he's on her side in the whole thing but they can't get her on.

  Howard said they sent Stuttering john over to the press conference and the guy who was ahead of him was actually asking some pretty tough questions. After that guy went, John started asking questions and she left. He said the reporters all got mad at John but Howard thinks that the guy ahead of him was being even rougher on her than John was.

  Howard said he was going to hold off on the tape but then decided to play it now. He explained what the guys were asking Denise before john got up there and asked his questions. Robin said she saw the video of this event and Denise didn't even look all that pissed off. She just smiled and walked off.

  Stuttering john came in and Howard sat there silent for a few seconds. Then he told John that he's a weird guy. John said he was just sitting there though. Howard played some of the press conference after that. Denise talks about what she's going to be discussing and then one guy claps. John said he was going to clap but didn't want to draw attention to himself.

  In the press conference Denise was asked about her promotion of these No Excuses jeans she was a spokesperson for. She didn't have a very good answer so Howard explained how she should have answered. He continued to play the tape and Denise was still having problems answering the questions that were being asked. Then Stuttering John asked a question that got some of the reporters pissed off at him and one guy laughing. They called John a heckler in the newspaper.

  John continued to ask Denise questions but she didn't want to answer anything specific about OJ. That led to the guys talking about OJ Simpson and how they think he's guilty. Howard got back to the tape a short time later and heard some other reporters asking Denise questions. John asked one last question which was ''Would you like to see OJ Simpson put in a cell next to the guy who killed Jeffrey Dahmer?'' Denise said goodbye and walked off. The reporters got mad at him for chasing her away.

  John was hounded by the press that were there after chasing Denise away. He tried explaining that his questions weren't any worse than the questions the rest of the press were asking. John said he didn't get kicked out or anything and he left on his own without being kicked out. He said that he was let out on his own recognizance which wasn't the right way to say it so Howard and Robin goofed on him about that.

  There was one female reporter who kept saying that john was stupid. other reporters were complaining that he had chased her away but Howard said she wasn't even saying anything. Gary said it came across the wire that Denise had walked out because of Stuttering John who is a reporter for The Howard Stern Show.

  John thought he was being supportive of Denise with his questions. Howard told John he thought he was being supportive too but he was just joking around. He asked John what was wrong with him this morning because he looked weird. John said he had trouble with his eyes from being tired. Robin said that John has a lot of ticks going on with his face. He said he saw that on the E! show and didn't realize how bad it was.

  Howard pointed out some of the other stuff that John does with his face. He was demonstrating for John and goofing on him for a few minutes. Gary said he noticed one where John's nose scrunches up. He also said he used to have a ''horse one'' that he did but he's lost that.

  Howard told John he did a good job with the questions and congratulated him on that. He also read some of the questions that John wasn't able to get to. There were some goofy ones about OJ and his group of friends. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.

• Kathie Lee Gifford Commercial Discussion And More. 12/07/1994. 6:45am
  After the break Fred was playing a KISS song, the one he was supposed to have been playing earlier. Howard said he had to ask Robin something but he wasn't sure if he should ask it on the air or not. He thought about it a little and said he had to think on it more before asking about it. He said he's very honest with that stuff and he's not sure if he should bring this up.

  Howard said that Robin once asked him if he had sex on all of the hard surfaces in his house after talking about how sexy his furniture was. He said that Robin is very wild that way and into inventing stuff like that. He said that she will go with just about anything a guy does with her. He said a guy could probably cut off her feet and she'd still figure out a way to go with it. He's hoping that her book reveals some of that stuff when it comes out.

  Howard told a story about Kathie Lee Gifford doing a commercial that he saw the other night. Frank Gifford was in the commercial laying on a chair in the Carnival Cruise Line that she was promoting. She's all excited and moving around like crazy while Frank just lays there. He explained what was going on in the commercial and said that she was a magnificent looking woman. Then Frank gets on a water slide and slides down that but he looks like a dead guy. He goofed on that saying that it looked like a burial at sea when he slid down that thing.

  Howard wondered why they would do commercials like that. He said it must cost an extraordinary amount of money to do something like that. He said they don't need to drag Frank out to slide down a slide like that. He said poor Frank is a guy who has to go for a colonoscopy every 3 months.

  Howard said he'd like to have Kathie Lee in bed and see what she's like. He thinks that would be pretty extraordinary. He said he'd use his tongue like toilet paper. He went on to describe the way she looked in the commercial and how she looked like a granddaughter wrapped around her grandpa when she was hugging Frank.

  Howard went on to talk about the cruise line that Kathie Lee was promoting and the kind of people who probably show up on there. He said it must be like a cruise to hell. Billy West was doing some impressions of some people who might show up on the cruise.

  Howard wondered what you do when you have some nutty broad like Kathie Lee singing to you. He said that's what Frank has to put up with. He had to go to break after that.

• Jackie Sounds And Discussions. 12/07/1994. 7:05am
  After the break Fred was playing some Jackie noises. Howard said that every one of those strange noises he makes is a cry for help. That led to Billy West doing his impressions of Jackie's sounds. Everything from his sneezes to his laughs and other strange sounds that come out of him. Fred would play a sound, Billy would imitate it like a parrot. He also created some of his own. Howard would throw out a sound and Billy would do the sound as if he were Jackie. Howard said those sounds that Jackie makes are a plea for people in the room to pay attention to him.

  Jackie said he just sneezed that one time and they make it seem like he did it just to be noticed. Howard put a stop to the noises after a couple of minutes. Howard congratulated Jackie on all of those noises he makes. Billy and Fred started to play off of each other for a little longer.

  Howard asked Jackie if he could talk about him coming to see him yesterday. He said he gets nervous when Jackie says ''Boss, I need to talk to you about something...'' He doesn't know why Jackie calls him boss but he looks at him that way. He said Jackie was making the announcement at the end of the show yesterday that he needed to talk. He said he was getting together with Robin to talk about what they had coming up on the show. Howard said Fred shows up last minute at those meetings.

  Fred asked Howard to stay on the subject of Jackie and not him. Jackie never shows up either because he's on the phone with his wife or something. Jackie said he stays in touch with ''Jokeland Central'' after the show. Howard said Jackie's empire is these jokes that he puts out. He's always putting out stuff like t-shirts and sweatshirts with his Jokeland stuff on it.

  Howard said that Jackie came out with a new sweatshirt that had this bad iron-on lettering on it. He said his daughter threw hers out. Robin said Howard was using it to wash his car. (I use mine when I change my oil) Howard said that Robin feigns interest in that stuff and suggests stuff for him to do and Jackie takes it seriously.

  Howard said Fred walked into the room as Jackie was going to ask him this question. He said Fred never shows up and then decides to show up at the last minute so he was going to have to kick him out. Howard said he said something to Jackie about needing some private time and Fred just sat there. Howard then had to break the news to Fred that Jackie wanted to speak to him privately.

  Howard said Fred eventually left so he asked Jackie how much this was going to cost him. Jackie then told him that it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. Howard dragged it out and wouldn't get to the subject that Jackie was asking about. Everyone was waiting to hear what this was all about. Howard said Jackie told him he's been asked to make his acting debut on a TV program. He was asking for permission to go on Thursday and Friday to make this acting debut. Howard said that he's not going to be the a-hole that tells him he can't make his acting debut. He said he can't be the one to say no to him.

  Howard told Jackie to just go make his acting debut if he wanted to. Jackie said he wasn't even sure if he could act so if he wanted to say no, that would be fine. Howard said he wasn't going to do that and told him to go for it. Jackie tried telling him about what the show was about but Howard said he zoned out while listening to it. Howard knows that if Jackie has a bad time out there, he's going to get blamed.

  Jackie said that this show is called ''The Watcher'' and it will be Gilbert (Gottfried) and him in the show. Howard said he told Jackie to go with his blessing after hearing the story. Gary said he wasn't sure why Jackie would go to do a show he hadn't even read the script for. Jackie said he has an idea of what the show is about, he just doesn't know the specifics yet.

  Howard said he did the Garry Shandling show and that was his first real acting role. He said he's been regretting that ever since. Howard wondered if Jackie is making all kinds of demands for this whole thing. Jackie said he's getting paid a guest star payment to do the show. The guys asked him if he's going to get all kinds of plugs for his Jokeland stuff in the credits. Jackie said he was going to change his name to include his phone number.

  Gary mentioned that he saw Robin's appearance on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in syndication the other day. Robin said she only took one day off to do that. Jackie has to take two. Howard figures the script is going to be awful, especially if Gilbert is in it. He said Gilbert will take any role and this will be an embarrassment to the whole show.

  Howard did an impression of Jackie reading his lines with Gilbert in the TV show. Billy was doing his Gilbert impression along with that. Howard thinks Jackie won't be able to act and it will turn out to be a disaster. Billy got into his Jackie impression and talked about how Tony Danza and Olivier are in the same business. He was also doing a Jackie as De Niro impression which was just Jackie saying some of his lines and laughing.

  Howard said he's been thinking about this new Paramount Network that's starting up. He said they wanted him to do a show for them but he thinks that he's going to put them on the map if he does do a show. He did that for the E! network and helped put them on the map.

  Robin was talking about some new FCC regulation about cable companies being able to add some new channels and only allowing an extra charge of $1.50. Howard said that will lead to the cable companies raising their rates some ridiculous amount even though people don't want half the channels they have. He and Robin spent a few minutes talking about that and then went to commercial break.

• Howard Saves A Life! 12/07/1994. 7:35am
  Howard came back from break and said he had a guy on the phone who claimed he was going to kill himself by jumping off the George Washington bridge. He picked up the phone and said he doesn't know if the guy is for real or not. The caller said it was real. He claimed to be a fan of the show so Robin told him they need him there to be a fan. Howard said that maybe he saw the bill for his cellular phone and wanted to jump. The caller said that there were people driving by but no one was stopping to help him.

  Gary said that someone must be able to see him there and they should honk and let them know it's for real. A few seconds later someone honked. The caller said that sometimes life just sucks and he doesn't want to live. He said he has a wife and a job but he goes to the bridge to think sometimes. The guy said his battery was running low and so was he.

  Robin asked him what it is about life that sucks so much that it's not worth living. Howard thought she was talking to him so he started to complain about Tom Chiusano. A short time later a woman took the phone from the jumper and told Howard this guy is serious. She tried talking him away from the edge of the bridge but he didn't want to. He also told Howard that the woman who stopped to help him was a big fat cow. That wasn't very nice.

  The caller said that everyone was stopping there on the bridge. He told the woman that he'd be okay but Howard didn't believe it. He asked the guy what his name was. He said he goes by Prince so Howard used that. Robin told the guy he has to wait for her book to come out. Howard told the guy he has to stick around because he's got so much stuff in the works like a movie and other things. He has to be around to see all of that. Howard told the guy he could come in and visit the show if he wanted to.

  Someone grabbed the guy's cellular phone and told Howard that the cops grabbed the guy and cuffed him. He said they were taking him away. Howard wanted to talk to the cops but the guy handed the phone to the fat broad and she told him that she put her arms around him and held him until the cops took him away. Howard said he was the one who saved the guy and he wanted credit for it. Howard said he kept the guy laughing while he was on the phone so that's what kept him from jumping. The woman said he told her that Howard was the only reason he didn't jump.

  Howard asked to speak to one of the cops. The cop said he was listening to his show while they were on the way over to the bridge. Robin asked if they have any type of citation that they could give to Howard for what he did. There was no answer, the cop was gone. The guy who had picked up the phone earlier got back on and said he's friends with Celeste. Howard told that guy to jump off the bridge instead of the other guy.

  Howard eventually got another cop on the phone so he tried explaining to him what he had done. The cop said he knew what he was doing and they got there as fast as they could. Howard said that this was his contribution to the world, saving someone's life. The cop told Howard to come up to the 33 Precinct and he'd give him some kind of citation for what he's done. Howard said there was no way he was going up to that part of the city though.

  The cop told Howard that the woman who held this guy Helen Marie Trimble. Howard had him put her back on the phone. She got back on and told her not to take credit for saving this guy. She said she won't do that, it was Howard who actually kept him there. Howard said she may have to throw in his name in every answer she gives to the press. He had the feeling that she was going to get all the credit though.

  Another cop got on the phone and said that he was Lieutenant with the police department and said that he wanted to thank him for helping to avert a tragedy on the bridge today. Howard said he doesn't feel like a hero and asked if he's ever heard someone so calm at a moment like that. The cop said that he does sound very calm over the phone. He also told Howard that the man who was going to jump is now in Port Authority Police custody and will be brought in for psychiatric evaluation.

  The cop thanked Howard multiple times for helping to stop this possible tragedy today. Howard told him to be careful out there with the traffic the way it was. Howard said he's always there for the police if they need him. Howard let him go a short time later. He said he was embarrassed to be called a hero. Gary came in and said that the press were already calling them to find out what had gone on. Howard said he will have to set up a press event as soon as possible. Gary also said that actress Sally Kellerman was very impressed with what just happened.

  Howard said Sally is very press savvy so maybe he should talk to her about that. He said he does want to talk to her. He said he loved her in ''Back To School.'' Howard said that he wanted to talk about the way they were going to run this press thing. He said he'd like to get that cop down there to help out.

  Howard told Robin that she has to call him a hero and he'll say that he's not a hero, he was just doing what anyone would do. They rehearsed that a little bit and Robin told Howard what a hero he was while he denied it. Gary said they're getting a lot of requests for the tape so maybe they should play it on a boom box.

  Howard asked where Ralph was because he had to get his hair done. He also told Ralph to run out and get him a Superman outfit. The guys told him not to do that, he should play it straight. Stuttering John came in and said that they have a lot of people who want to come in for the press event. Some people wanted an exclusive but Howard wanted to make it a big event.

  Ralph told Howard that was amazing. Howard said of course it was and then told him to get out of there. He had to go to break after that anyway. Gary mentioned that their friend, Congressman Serrano, told him that he's going to put in for a special award for what Howard did. Gary said that there are some news reports about how much havoc the whole thing caused with traffic on the bridge.

  Stuttering John came in and said that someone from the show Rescue 911 wanted to do a story about this whole thing. Howard seemed to like that idea but he had to take a commercial break.

• Sally Kellerman Visits, Congressman Serrano Calls In. 12/07/1994. 8:05am
  Howard came back from break and bragged about his saving of a life. He said a lot of people were calling in to congratulate him on what he did. He said that Sally Kellerman was also coming in. She showed up a short time later so Howard asked her about what had just gone one. She didn't have a lot to say about it. Howard talked about how Sally was the original Hot Lips in the MASH movie.

  Sally was saying that she's kind of a wuss when it comes to saying stuff on the air. She said she was reading his book last night and it was interesting about how inventive and creative Howard is. She was also shocked at how cruel he can be. She was going to talk to him about that part of it but then he saved this guy on the bridge so she couldn't go into that.

  Gary came in and said that they had Congressman Serrano on the phone so Howard had to take that call. He took the call and spoke to Serrano about what he was going to do for him. Serrano congratulated and thanked Howard for what he did. Serrano said he will be given a certificate of merit for what he did. That whole incident will also be brought in front of Congress when they get together next. Howard asked if the award comes with a medal or something he could wear. Serrano said it's just a piece of paper that he can hang on his wall.

  Howard thanked Serrano for what he was doing but he didn't want to be called a hero. Robin played the game they planned earlier where she would insist that he was a hero while he pretended he didn't want that. Howard said he will accept that certificate that he's going to get for him. He let him go a short time later.

  Howard got back to Sally and told her that she's got a great chest on her. He asked her if she wanted to hug him but she wasn't interested. Howard asked Sally about this movie she's in and talked to her about how excited she is about that. She was saying that she wanted to talk to Howard about how cruel he can be but Howard said that he's really not like that.

  Sally let the f-word slip out at one point. Howard said that this guy he just saved could be some brilliant guy who could go on to cure cancer or something like that. He said if he had not stepped in, this guy's wife and children would be without a husband and father. He said he thinks he's done God's work with this whole thing. He also said that if he had been successful at killing himself, that could have led to copycat suicides.

  Howard talked to Sally about her new movie ''Prêt-à-Porter'' a little bit. They talked about some of the roles that Sally has had over the years. Howard said he was actually surprised she showed up today. He asked her for a hug but she refused to go over to him. He asked to see her shoes and had her lift up her foot to see. He asked her to go over her movie so he could move on to his press conference. She went through some of the details of the movie and told Howard he would love it. Howard said he would see it because it had some hot chicks in it.

  Sally let the F-word fly again at one point. Howard went on to ask her if she hates anyone in show business. She said she really doesn't think there is anyone she hates. Howard said she has to hate someone. Howard got back to her movie and said that if there are supermodels in it, he might have to go see it. She mentioned some of the models who are in the movie and Howard sounded like he'd like to see them in it.

  Howard eventually convinced Sally to come over and give him a hug. Robin said she had the look of disgust on her face as she was doing that. Sally said that it was a very nice hug. She said she was clean as a whistle but Howard told her that he actually had diarrhea last night. He wrapped up with her and went to commercial a short time later.

• Howard Congratulated On Heroic Move. 12/07/1994. 8:30am
  Howard came back from break and Gary told him that Senator Al D'amato was on the phone. Howard picked up that call and let Senator Al say a few words about his heroic efforts. Senator Al told him he was definitely a hero. Howard said that Al has always supported him.

  Howard thought Senator Al was going to get on and make a big deal about him being a hero but he really wasn't saying much. Al went on and started talking but Howard didn't think he was getting to the point of calling him a hero. He wrapped up with the call and thanked him for calling in. He let him go a short time later.

  Howard said he had to get to this press conference he had set up. He asked what happened to the guy from Rescue 911. Howard said that's William Shatner's show. That led to Billy West doing an impression of Shatner as if he were talking up that whole thing. Gary told Howard that was actually a bogus call from the people at Rescue 911 but he did have former Mayor Koch on the phone.

  Howard didn't think it was mayor Koch at first but then realized it was really him. Koch told Howard that he really is a hero and thanked him for what he's done. Koch told Howard that there's a Yiddish saying that says something like ''If you save one man, you've saved the world.'' Howard seemed to like that comment. He continued to speak to Mayor Koch for a short time. Koch asked Howard what line he used to keep this man from jumping. Howard said that he just used humor to keep him from jumping and said that there wasn't just one particular line he used. He wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Howard said he thinks that Mayor Koch was the greatest Mayor to ever run the city.

  Robin read some press releases about the story that were coming over the news wire. She said they were actually pretty funny. Gary came in and told him that they have a lot of news outlets showing up for this press conference. He went through the list of all the local channels that were there for that. Gary said he was working on getting some other people there, like the cop who made the arrest and the Lieutenant who was on the phone with Howard. He said they're looking at about a 9:40 start for that press conference.

  Robin told Howard this may be the first time the press doesn't attack him. Howard went through some faxes he's gotten from people this morning. Some people thought he should have let the guy jump, others told him he was a hero.

• Howard Speaks To Helen Trimble. 12/07/1994. 8:45am
  After a quick break that was edited out for Master Tape Theatre, Howard moved on to talk to Helen, the woman who grabbed the jumper on the bridge. Howard said she looked very strong and there was no way that guy was going to escape from her grip. He explained to her what was going to happen at the press conference. They're going to have Gary do an introduction and then Howard will go in. Helen and the others will already be there. Howard said he'll make a couple of statements and then claim that he's no hero. Then Robin will say that he really is a hero.

  Howard told Helen what to do when she's questioned by the press. He told her not to take all the credit, he wants her to talk about what a great thing his show is. He had her rehearse a little bit. She talked about how she's been listening to the show for years and started to get into too much detail. Howard told her to keep it short and to make sure that she uses his name a lot. She tried that over again and got it down pretty good.

  Howard said that if Helen cries during the press conference, he'd do anything for her. She was talking about the look on that man's face when she grabbed him and she started to tear up a little. Howard told her to stop and to hold onto that until the press conference. He had to go to break a short time later.

• Howard's Hero Press Conference. 12/07/1994. 9:00am
  Howard came back from break and said they had a lot of press there for this big press event. Robin told him the place was packed. Howard asked Gary to go out and get it started. He could hear Penny Crone out there already. Gary headed out and got the press conference started. He told the press they were starting in less than 60 seconds so they had to be ready for him.

  Gary told Howard he was ready to begin and then played some audio from when the jumper was caught by the police and put in cuffs. Then Gary introduced Howard to the press. Howard came out and explained what had happened on the show today. He said he didn't know what kind of man this was who called him this morning. He said he found that he was a man who was down on his luck and feeling despondent. He went on to say that he has learned what it feels like to be a doctor who saved a gerbil from a man's buttocks.

  Howard threw in a bunch of jokes in his speech. Jackie was laughing his ass off whenever Howard used one of his jokes. Howard said he is not a hero so Robin came in right on cue and told him that he really is a hero. They argued about that for the press.

  After Howard's speech Helen got up and told her story. She even demonstrated how she grabbed the man and held him as he was speaking to Howard. Howard then pointed out that there were a lot of people listening to the show at the time they were speaking to this man and they all showed up on the bridge. Helen and the police who showed up were all listening.

  Penny Crone said that there are some people who are saying that this is a scam. Helen interrupted and said that this was not a scam. Howard said it would be against the law to do something like that and he would never do such a thing. Howard said if he had set it up, Helen would have been a stripper. He told Penny that she's a very evil woman for accusing him of such a thing.

  Howard spoke to a woman from the channel 11 news. He was asked if he would start a suicide hotline after this. Howard said he has been asked things like that. Another reporter asked Howard what was going through his mind as he was speaking to this man. Howard said he knew he had to keep this guy laughing, so that's what he tried to do.

  Howard took some other questions from various reporters. One reporter from Extra asked him if they would put this into his movie. Howard said they would never trivialize such a thing. Penny Crone asked why a guy would grab his cell phone if he was thinking about killing himself. She still thought that this might be a scam. Howard assured her that it wasn't.

  More reporters jumped in and asked some questions. He was asked if he was surprised at the calls he got from Senator D'amato and Mayor Koch. Howard said he was touched by all of the calls he got this morning. He let some others ask various questions about the way he was feeling at the time he took the call.

  Gary introduced Lieutenant Bleeker who was there at the scene when the jumper was taken into custody. Lt. Bleeker said that the man seems to be very distraught and he is being checked out now. He said this is thanks to Howard and Helen.

  Lt. Bleeker spent a short time taking questions from the press, mostly Penny Crone, about what had happened. He said he believes that this was a bona fide incident and it was not a scam from what they can tell. Howard fielded a few more questions from the press for himself and for Helen and Lt. Bleeker. Howard then had to wrap up the press conference. The press had more questions so Howard let them continue to speak to Lt. Bleeker about what had gone on.

  Howard wrapped up the press conference and thanked Helen for what she did. He said she was very brave in doing what she did. Howard told the press he'd like to see them put a negative spin on this whole thing. Gary had some other people coming in to get interviews.

  Howard asked Steve Dunleavy how he felt about the way he handled the whole thing. Steve though he handled it just fine. He asked Steve not to play this whole thing tongue in cheek because his comedy doesn't go over very well. Billy West did his impression of Steve for a short time and goofed on his delivery. They had some fun with that for a short time.

  Howard wanted to get out of there but Gary had a guy trying to find out if they were going to give him first run on the TV show he works for. Howard didn't want to wait around. Gary told Howard he handled everything very well today and he thought he was very impressed.

  Howard got confirmation that Entertainment Tonight was going to have this story as their lead story. Howard said he would do it but then Gary came in and said that they weren't going to do it on the air. Howard said that he was only going to do it on the air, not off the air. He didn't want to do it out in the hall. The reporter from Entertainment Tonight said they didn't want him to do it on air. Howard said he should just do it, he's already on the air. Howard called off the whole thing if he wasn't willing to do it on air. Howard said that all of the other shows were going to beat them to it if they didn't do it on air. The guy said he just couldn't do it because his bosses told him he couldn't.

  Howard said he needed to go home and didn't want to do this crap off the air. The reporter understood his reasons and said that's fine. Howard said they have to comply with his wishes to get an interview. Howard went around the room and asked the guys if they had ever saved lives. Fred said he saved a guy in a movie theater one time. Robin used to be a nurse and said she used to save people all the time. Gary said he saved Fred's life when he called his wife to come down to see him at the hospital. Jackie said he saved a life... by pulling over his car and going to sleep.

  Howard played himself out to the tune of Mariah Carey's ''Hero'' song. He ended the show around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).