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| Wednesday | Thursday |
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| Friday | Mastertape Theatre |
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Howard Started off the show not knowing what month they were in. He thought it was June but he wasn't quit sure. He also said that he read the news that George Carlin had died over the weekend. He said that the guy was a great comedian and they heard that he wanted to be on but they turned him down recently. He said that he had been on before a couple of times but they turned down the offer this last time.
Artie said that he heard him when he was on and he kind of talked a lot about comedy and stuff and he went on a little long. He said that you put up with that kind of stuff because you love him as a comedian so much though. He said that you weren't laughing when he was on so that was a problem.
Howard talked about how amazing George was doing what he did because he always had something new in his act. He read through the news story he got about Carlin's death and how he passed away of a heart attack. He said that Carlin had some heart attacks in the past according to the article.
Howard read about Carlin's history in the article and how he has a new HBO special that he just finished in March.
Howard played a voice mail that George left for Gary once. In the clip George was talking about doing Bill Maher's show and hearing from someone at HBO about how complimentary Howard was about his appearance on that show. George was calling to thank Howard for his kind words that he didn't actually hear himself. He was also saying that he does the Imus show regularly and he wasn't sure if Howard kept him off for doing that or not.
Artie said that had to make him feel great because it meant so much to Carlin that he spoke positively about him.
Howard played one of Carlin's bits that he felt was one of his greatest. It's a bit about religion where Carlin goes off on organized religion and how religion has the greatest bullshit story every told, that there's an invisible man in the sky watching everything you do. Howard said that he really was a brilliant man. Robin said that he did hit stuff right on the head when he did his comedy.
Howard said that George was a great mimic and did great voices and characters. He stopped doing that later on in his career but he did it early on. He said that there was one bit he did where he did an impression of a radio dial and he was so good at it. He played some of that bit where George was going through the AM dial and doing an impression of what it sounds like and talking about the many different things that you hear on different parts of the radio.
Artie said that George also hosted the first ever Saturday Night Live show. Howard said that he thought that George also hung out with Lenny Bruce when he was a kid. Artie said that George was able to change with the times too and he got political with his act.
Howard said that he was a big fan of George's and he had this awakening at one point and he started to grow his hair long and he'd dress cool and changed a lot of things. He said that George Carlin and Cheech and Chong were on the cutting edge back when they were doing their thing.
Artie said that he had an encounter with Carlin once on the Craig Kilborn show back in 1999. He said that he was doing the show and the first guest was George Carlin. Artie said that he was having a meltdown knowing he had to follow Carlin. As he was going on stage Carlin passed in front of him and he was mad at the booker for making another comedian follow him. Artie aids that George talked to him about that and told him that he hoped that he didn't think that he did that on purpose. He told him to go out and hoped that he killed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that George Carlin really was the shit. He told Howard that the guy was great. Howard said that he was fascinated by the Craig Kilborn story and asked Gary to do a follow up on what happened to that guy. He wanted to know if he was fired or if he quit to be a writer as Artie thought he had.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Carlin called into the show when Pat Cooper was on the show one time and it was a great call. Howard said that was a good memory and he didn't remember that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he heard that Jim Cramer was talking about how he thinks that the merger may not go through. The guy even had an audio clip of it to play for Howard. Howard didn't like the sound of that so he had the guy play the clip he had.
In the clip Cramer was talking about the conditions that the FCC was going to put on the merger and how it probably wouldn't fly. Howard said that it's really going to cost the stockholders if they don't allow this merger to go through. They will probably lose one of the companies because they won't be able to afford to stay in business.
Howard talked about what could happen if the merger doesn't happen and then the caller played another clip for him where Cramer talked about how they have to get together to stay in business.
Howard said that this is a turning point for the way he views government and the way he views the world. He said he's seeing first hand how despicable these lobbyists and politicians are.
Howard said that he's been hearing about Barack Obama and how bad he is when he's off script and it's not looking good for him.
The caller asked Howard who he would like to see Beth O with if he had to pick a girl. Howard said that he saw a girl in the NY Post today on page 11 and he'd like to see her with her. It's the girl in the black leotard on that page. Artie took a look in his paper and gave Howard an ''Oh yeah!''
The caller asked if Howard has ever licked Beth's ass. Howard said that she won't let him do that. He said he'd like to but she thinks that's disgusting and won't let him. He said that he tells her that he'd like to lick her asshole and she just clenches up and won't allow it. He said he has been with some wild girls before and they're willing to do stuff like that but some of them are insane.
The caller asked if they had done the Cindy Margolis thing yet. Howard told him that they're doing that today around 7:30.
Howard said that he read that Amy Winehouse has emphysema now and the doctors are blaming that on her smoking crack and cigarettes. He read through an article he had read but wasn't able to find the exact quote he was talking about.
Howard said that he had no desire to see the new Get Smart movie or the Love Guru movie. He said that maybe now he'll want to see Get Smart but not the Love Guru. Hanzi said that he saw that there's a cameo from Bill Murray in the movie. Artie said that he was sounding retarded this morning. He made fun of the first thing he said when he got on because he was kind of lost when he got on.
Hanzi said that he doesn't work and his parents help him out so Howard went through that with him. Hanzi said that his parents tell him to go out on his own but then they give in and give him more money. Hanzi said that he's just fucked in the head. He said his father makes a good living so he's able to help him out. Hanzi is 24 and he's still getting help from his parents.
Howard said that Hanzi has this hard working father and if he doesn't help him out the kid will probably become homeless. Hanzi aids that he has depression and has to get help in therapy. Howard said that's what a lot of people do, they blame stuff like that on depression. The psychiatrist probably tells the family that Hanzi is fucked up.
Hanzi said that he's been turned down from doing jobs at restaurants and stuff. Howard said that he probably thinks he's too good to do that stuff and he turns down jobs that he could be doing.
Hanzi said he's not like that. He said that he's had numerous temp jobs. He said he worked one job for almost a year but they gave him shit hours.
Artie said that his cop friend was working at a Bennigans and he quit so he asked him why. The guy told him ''They were handing me shit...''
Gary said that Hanzi e-mails him at least once a day and they're very long with no punctuation and they're all one long paragraph. He said he can't even read the whole thing. He said he'll get an e-mail about something like Carly Simon and it'll be so long that he can't believe that anyone could find that much to say about someone.
Howard talked about how Hanzi is smoking pot with his medication. Hanzi said he asked his doctor about smoking the weed with his meds and the doctor was more worried about him drinking with the meds. Howard said that he should just forget it and stop spending his father's money on pot. Robin said that this isn't going to get any better for him and he might as well keep smoking.
Howard asked Hanzi what he does all the time. Hanzi said that he used to exercise but not anymore. Artie told him that he's ''a two handed Curro (Jeff the Drunk).'' Hanzi was saying that he spends most of his time writing in his room. Howard wanted to hear some of what he writes but Hanzi said that they wouldn't be interested in that shit. Howard said he wanted to hear it and told him to read some of it.
Hanzi got the stuff he wrote but he didn't want to read it. Artie told Hanzi that every time he starts off a sentence saying ''whatchacallit'' it makes him want to punch him in the face.
Hanzi was hesitant to read any of his stuff but Howard tried to convince him to read it. Hanzi said that they were just going to goof on him if he did read it.
Hanzi finally read a little bit of his stuff and said he was going to change the names to protect his friends. He changed the names to Artie and Howard. He read through the notes he wrote and there wasn't all that much there. He was basically saying that a lot of people are liars and won't tell you the truth.
Howard asked Hanzi if he has a gun. Hanzi said he doesn't but he wishes he did. He said he wouldn't hurt anyone else, he'd hurt himself before he hurt anyone else. He said that didn't mean that he wanted to kill himself or anything.
Howard had Hanzi read another one of his notes. Hanzi read another one where he talked about the time of day he was sleeping. Hanzi stopped and said that he couldn't even read his own stuff. Howard told him that it shows how much time he's wasting in his life. He said that he's writing about his lying friends and his sleeping habits.
Hanzi was having trouble getting his thoughts out about what the writings were all about. Artie was goofing on him for being kind of dopey.
Hanzi aids that his therapist actually closed her practice. He also told Howard that he has gotten laid before but not in about 2 and a half years. Artie told him that he's got more going on at 24 than he did at that age.
Howard talked to Hanzi about the chick thing and said that if he got into some kind of work where he just got outside of the house he'd be much better off. He told him to try doing landscaping or something. Hanzi said he didn't want to do that. Robin suggested he go work at a gas station. Howard said that's what Captain Janks does.
Howard asked Hanzi how he went out to see a movie if he doesn't have any money. Hanzi said that his brother paid for it for him. He said his whole family is successful.
Artie said that life gives you subtle hints and asked him what movie he went to see. Hanzi said it was ''Get Smart'' so Artie told him that's right, life is telling him to Get Smart.
Howard said that Hanzi seems like a nice guy and he likes him. Artie ended up goofing on him a little bit more about the dopey comments he was making earlier.
Jason came in and told Howard he had some of his blogs. Howard read through some of those and in one Hanzi was complaining about his cable internet service. Howard said his writing reminds him of the lead character, Holden Caulfield, and how he thought that everyone was wrong.
Howard said that Hanzi is critical of everyone and everything. He read more of his rant on the cable company and said that maybe Hanzi should work to make the cable company better and try to change things there.
Hanzi said that he doesn't' think much of himself but there are people who tell him that he's really witty and stuff. He said that he's not sure if they're lying about that or not. Howard told him that he's making things too complicated and he should just go out and get a job and be good at it.
Howard told Hanzi he should try working at a surf shop or something. Robin told him to try a 7-11. Howard told Hanzi that High Pitch Eric is out working a job now and he's got purpose in his life. Robin said that he actually had to turn down stuff on the show because of his job.
Howard said that Hanzi has been trying to do prank calls fro the show but they're not working out all that great. Hanzi said that there's a whole story behind those calls. He tried to explain it but Howard went ahead and played the calls anyway.
Hanzi said that he had a whole explanation for that and started to get into it. He got frustrated and cut himself off. Howard told Hanzi that he really likes him but Hanzi didn't even believe that. Howard said he wasn't kidding about that.
Artie told him he likes him too but he sounds like he's going down the wrong road with the weed and stuff. Hanzi said that he doesn't care about the road he's heading down because everyone is corrupt and stuff. The guys told him he was sounding more and more like a Lee Harvey Oswald or something.
Howard told Hanzi to stop with the pot. Hanzi said that he's tried to stop but he's only been able to reduce the amount. He said he figures that they're going to get a lot of hate mail about this tomorrow.
Howard told Hanzi he has a great gift of gab and maybe he should become a drug counselor or something. Robin said he'd have to give up the drugs first. Howard said she's right about that. Howard let Hanzi go after that.
High Pitch claimed that he got laid over the weekend. He said that it was a crack whore in his building. She looked like Whoopi Goldberg according to Eric. He said that they were talking over the weekend and she gave him a blow job and he came all over her. He said he finished in like 5 seconds. Artie said that there's no way that happened. He said that he doesn't even have a dick.
Howard asked what that chick's body looked like. Eric said she wasn't too fat but she wasn't skinny. He said that she just went down on him and didn't use a rubber. He did mention something about giving her $20 to do it.
Eric said that maybe he'll do it again in a couple of weeks if he feels like it. Eric said that he'd be willing to let Artie watch him get a blow job from that chick. Artie said he didn't want to see that, but maybe someone like Jason would.
Howard said he had to take a break but they have a guy coming in to talk about Subway sandwiches. He's going to have Artie taste test their meats and some meat from a ''real'' deli. They went to break a short time later.
David said that everyone tries to connect to Howard and that's one thing he found out last week. He said he lives down in Maryland and everyone down there knows that he's on today.
Howard said that David claims that he delivers the same meats to Subway that he delivers to the other deli's like the Carnegie Deli.
David was asking Howard if he recognized a room and dorm number over at Boston University. David said that he heard that he lived in that room from Larry Fishbein. Howard said he recognized the name but he didn't even remember what room number he lived in when he was there. He said he can't even verify that he was in that room.
Howard moved on to the challenge that David came up with. Artie said he could tell just by looking at the sandwich which one came from which place. He said that the Carnegie Deli sandwich looked like a real sandwich.
David handed Howard $100 and said he was trying to stay there as long as he could. Howard had to stop everyone because no one knew what was going on there. Will said that Artie was right about the sandwiches because the darker meat was from Subway and the fresh looking meat was from the Carnegie.
David said that he was there to say that the Subway subs are fine to eat just like any other deli meat. Robin said that he was saying that the meat that he delivers is the same meat at all of those places but then David claimed that Robin made that up and spoke for him.
David said that Howard asked him if he thought that Artie wouldn't be able to tell the difference. He said that if he had disagreed with him, he wouldn't be there this morning. Artie said that this guy is just wasting their time.
Howard said that he was saying last week that the Subway sandwiches aren't that good and there are a lot of great deli's in the city that they could get lunch from instead of a Subway. That's what he was telling Jason last week.
David said that Katz's deli has great meat and they don't even use a slicer there because the meat is so tender. David also said that he brought them some great food this morning and he sells meat for a living. Artie asked him if he gave him $100, would he leave. David said he would.
David said that he has some great crab cakes for them too. Howard said he heard that Ronnie was saying that this guy is the most annoying guy who has ever been up there. Ronnie said that the guy is annoying and they're not going to eat anything he brought in.
Robin was arguing that the crab cakes that David brought in were not the best out there. She said that they have great ones down by where she lives.
Artie said that he would taste the crab cakes. He said that it was cold but it did taste alright because it wasn't fishy. He said that was a good sign.
Howard thanked David for coming in and told him that he didn't prove his point this morning. David said that a sandwich at Carnegie costs $16 but at Subway it's $5. He said he brought in a bunch of sandwiches from a bunch of deli's. He said that he had one from Hoboken too.
Howard said that this guy seems like one of those fun guys who is always having barbecue's in his yard and stuff like that. David said that is the way he is.
Howard told Ronnie to let this guy go around and take his pictures and stuff around the studio. David said he was going to leave his chocolate covered matzo there and they can do what they want with it. He said it's white chocolate. Benjy tried a piece and so did Artie. Artie said that it was actually very good.
Artie asked David if he wanted to date Cindy Margolis. David said that he met the contestants and he thinks that one of the contestants might be gay. He said that the other guy who is there as an alternate is the one who should be in it.
Howard had the guys bring in this guy who David was talking about. When the guy came in David said that he's a homo. The guy, Ralph, was in the studio and David was goofing on him. He said that he saw him with his legs crossed and he was kind of moving away from the manly men out there. Ralph said that he was born in another country and he wanted to keep it a secret so his bosses don't find out.
Artie said that he thinks that this guy might be lying to keep it a secret from his bosses. Howard told him that they're going to televise it though. Ralph said that less people watch that show than listen to the show. Ralph eventually said that he's Jewish and he wasn't from another country.
Howard said he can see that this guy isn't gay. He said that David is probably wrong about Ralph being gay. Howard asked Ralph if he has ever jerked a guy off. At first he said he wasn't going to answer but then he said he definitely didn't.
Howard wrapped up with Ralph and tried to let David go. David was trying to get his buddy in there so Ralph asked if he was running the show. David told him to stop. Howard wrapped up with David a short time later. Ronnie came in and dragged him out of the studio. They didn't take his money, they gave it all back. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard told Cindy that she was looking good this morning too. He said that she was wearing a great dress this morning. He said that she's looking really good and he'd take a date with her if he could. He told her that she's holding it together. Cindy said she sold her soul to the devil a long time ago and it's working.
Howard asked if it was true that she told Playboy radio that she had a threesome recently. She said that is true. She said she's not sure what's going on in her life but things are wild. She said that she and her husband broke up but they're still friends. She said that they're better off just being friends.
Cindy said that she had she was married to her husband for 10 years. She said that he's actually looking for a man for her too. She said that the sex life started to drop off over the years and that would happen with any marriage that went on for 10 years. She said that they went through a lot with the fertility issues she had. She said that they made it through all of that and the sex thing got kind of old when they were trying to have a baby.
Howard read that Cindy likes to wear outfits and stuff and he didn't know that she was as sexual as she claims. Cindy said that she thinks she's going through her sexual peak right now. Cindy is 42 now and she said that she never wears the same lingerie twice.
Cindy said that she dresses up for herself to get her into the mood and the guys love that. She said that she loves to rip it off too. Cindy said that she loves to wear lingerie that has your breast exposed and your vagina exposed so the guys love it and she still feels sexy in the outfit.
Howard asked Cindy about the threesome she had. She said that she had that on the list of things she had to do and she finally got to cross it off the list. She said that she had a friend that she talked to about that and she wanted to be a part of it. Cindy said that she found this other woman attractive and said that all of her friends are attractive.
Howard asked Cindy how the subject came up. Cindy said that she didn't think that she'd want to do it with a friend because you'd never be able to get past that. She said that she didn't have the threesome with that friend's husband. She had it with a guy friend of her's and another woman.
Cindy said that she was trying to teach this guy some new techniques so he could be better in bed. She said that she helped him out by instructing him on how to perform oral on her and things like that. Cindy said that she thinks a guy has to use his fingers at the same time he's using his mouth. She said that a guy has to use more than one finger at a time too. She suggested two fingers and to curl them up like you're saying ''come here.'' That way a guy can feel a woman as she's getting closer to cumming.
Howard said that coordinating his hand and mouth would be nearly impossible for him. He said that a girl can get off if she keeps her eyes closed and doesn't look at him. Cindy said that a girl can squirt if you use her technique. She said that you have to convince them that they're not peeing though.
Cindy told Howard about her threesome and how that all came about. She said that she had sex with the guy one time before and apparently told him that he wasn't all that good. She said that she had too much to drink that night and wouldn't usually tell someone that. That led to her asking the guy to try again with her. She said that they were all in robes in her hotel room and smoking weed at the time.
Robin said she didn't know that she smoked weed. She said they're learning a lot about her this morning. Cindy went on to tell Howard how she had the other woman go down on her because she won't go down on a woman herself. She said that she talked the guy through putting his fingers in the other woman and it was more of a class than a threesome.
Cindy said that she had the other woman doing stuff to her and she's not even sure how it all happened. She wasn't supposed to be part of it but she got into it and actually came. She said she had to show the woman how to do it. She claims that the guy fell asleep in the middle of it though.
Cindy said that she's more of an ''above the waist'' girl and she doesn't go down on a woman. She said that the other woman had great sex with her husband after that. She said the guy had great sex with the next girl he was with too. She said that she felt like a humanitarian after doing that.
Howard said that they had three guys who wanted to go out with Cindy. Cindy said that she was surprised it was only 3. Howard said he just took the first 3 that he got. Cindy was wondering why they didn't do some screening. Robin said that they were kind of rushing.
Howard said that all three wanted to fuck her. She said that this is serious though and she wants to find someone to go on a date with. Artie said that all three of them want to fuck her more than she can imagine.
Howard said that Cindy claims to be great at blow jobs. She said that is true and she loves to blow a guy and she gets really into it.
A caller said he could hear that Cindy was really nervous because she had dry mouth. Cindy said that she could use some water. They brought her a bottle a few seconds later.
Howard asked Cindy about why she's looking for a man. She said that she's really looking for a man that she can go on a date with. She knows that she can get fucked but she's looking for something regular. Howard showed the contestants the copy of Playboy and Double A gave her a ''Hey now!'' Cindy is looking to take one of these guys to the Playboy mansion for a party she's going to.
Howard introduce the first contestant which was this guy Ralph (not Ralph Cirella). Ralph said that he hasn't seen the pictures of Cindy in Playboy. He said that he would take her on a helicopter ride for their date. Howard asked him what he would do if he went down on her and she had a terrible odor down there. Ralph said that he would figure out a way to get her into the shower and maybe shower together.
The second contestant, Ryan, said that he would lick her clean if she smelled bad down there. He went on to say that he loves Cindy and has watched her on TV for years.
Double A told Howard that he'd tell her to wash that thing if she stunk. He said that if he smells good he'd want her to smell good too.
Howard had Ralph tell Cindy why he thinks that she should go out with him. He went on to say that he's a good guy and he thinks that he could be good for her. He said that he had sex about 2 weeks ago. Howard asked if it was with a girl. He said it was. Cindy sounded kind of worried about that when she heard the ''was it with a girl'' thing. Howard said he was just joking.
Howard asked Ralph about Cindy's 3 kids and what he thinks about that. Ralph said he's great with kids and he doesn't have a problem with that. Howard said that he'd want to bang Cindy but he'd be out of there as soon as the kids came up.
Howard asked the guys about their penis sizes. Ralph wouldn't answer, Ryan said his was a good size. Howard had Ryan tell Cindy why he wanted to go out withy her. He said a few words to her and said that he thinks that he looks a little bit like Jim Florentine and he's actually told people that he's his brother. He also said he's heard that he looks like John Mayer.
Howard asked Double A if he thinks that the guy looks like John Mayer. Double A and Ryan had no idea who the hell John Mayer was. Howard asked Ralph who he thinks he looks like. Ryan said that he's been told he looks like someone from the Sopranos but he wasn't sure who.
Howard asked Double A who he thinks Ralph looks like. Double A said he didn't know and he doesn't look at dudes. Ryan said Ralph looks kind of like Ralph Macchio. Double A told Cindy who he was, Awesome Angelo, and how she should go out with him to find out what's so awesome about Angelo.
Howard asked Double A how quick he thinks he could get her into bed. He figured he could have her in bed by Noon today. He told her they should just skip the bullshit and get right into it. Cindy said she's not sure she's a nooner though.
Howard asked Ralph to say something to her to win her over. Ralph said that the helicopter ride is just something he answered before. He said that he doesn't think that they have to end up in bed tonight if they go on a date.
Howard asked the guys if they have farted in front of girls. They were all saying that they have. Cindy asked the guys if they're really going to wine and dine her and have a romantic dinner. Ralph said he's up for that and so did Ryan. They're up for the romantic dinners. Cindy said that she wants to go out dancing and stuff like that.
Double A told her that he'd like to take her to the Borgata in Atlantic City, have some drinks and then go back to the room and chill in bed. Cindy said that she was just down there yesterday.
Howard asked the guys where the most adventurous place was where they have masturbated. Ralph said he had sex outside with a woman one time. Howard said that Cindy is an exhibitionist and she might like to do that.
Cindy asked the guys how they'd feel if she wanted to have two guys at the same time. Double A said that won't happen with him. He said he doesn't want another dude in the room with him, he can handle her all himself. Ryan said that he'd be up for it if she reciprocated with another girl in the room. Ralph said he'd be up for doing it if that's something she wanted to do. Ryan said he thinks that Ralph would be very happy to have another dude in the room.
Howard asked the guys if they have favorite porn stars. Double A said he likes the ones he makes. Howard asked Cindy if she has made any herself. She said that she hasn't made one but it's on her list of things to do.
Howard gave the guys their one last chance and had Cindy ask another question. She wondered about their age. Ralph was 28, Ryan was 23 and Double A said he was 37 years old. Cindy asked if they had ever dated older women. They said they were up for it and had no problem with her being older.
Howard asked the guys some more questions about her having a baby that was retarded and if they'd ask her to abort it. Double A said he would, Ryan said he'd keep it.
Howard asked the guys to sing a song to Cindy. Ralph wasn't sure he had anything for her but he did start to sing something by Julio Iglacias to her that was pretty bad. Double A asked if he had just entered the Twilight Zone.
Ryan sang the Beth O song for her and changed it to have her name. Double A sang a Bon Jovi song for her and grossed Robin out with the lyrics.
Howard asked the guys what their best physical features are. Ralph said it was his wisdom and then his brain. Ryan said it was his manly chest hair and Double A claimed it was his manhood, all 8 and a half inches of it.
Howard asked the guys what they would do if 3 big, 7 foot, black men came up to them at dinner and told the guys to get lost. Double A said he'd make a call and get rid of them. Ryan said he'd throw them a basketball and Ralph said he'd have a security detail with him. Cindy said that she has the black guy thing on her list of things to do.
Ralph Cirella called in and told Cindy that Double A is a great guy and she should go out with him because he's going to show her a good time. Another caller asked Cindy an F, Marry Kill between Howard, Artie, Gary and Benjy. Cindy said she'd fuck Howard, marry Gary and kill the other guys after having a threesome with them. Artie said that he'd be willing to die after that.
Another caller said that Cindy's episode with her friend Elisa was one of the greatest and he wondered if she's still friends with her. Cindy said that she was a friend of a friend and she's really not friends with her. She said she'd love to be though.
Howard said that he heard that Cindy had a great story about a bathtub but Cindy said she just loves bathtubs. That led to Howard asking her about where the wildest place she's ever had sex was. She said that she had sex in a car one time on the way to Palm Springs. She said she sat on the guy as he drove.
Cindy said that she actually did have the two guy fantasy already and she had two guys from Australia. Cindy said a friend of hers set that up for her.
Howard had the three guys say a few last words and then let Cindy make her choice. Ralph and Double A both bashed the other guys. Ryan didn't bad mouth anyone and said that she should just give him a chance. Howard asked the guys who makes the most money and Double A took out a wad of money and threw it to the ground to show how much he had on him. He claimed it was at least $5,000. Gary picked it up and counted it to see how much there was. Gary said it was at least 3-4,000 in there.
Ryan told Howard that his job is internet marketing and that's why they let him get in on the game. He said that he can double her web site traffic. Ryan said that he he's got a pretty good job working in the financial sector and he thinks they brought him in because of that aspect.
Cindy asked how she should do this. Howard told her to give her thoughts in any way she wanted. She said that they all sounded awesome and they all appealed to her. She said that Double A doesn't need to throw money at her because she has money of her own. She said that she's not impressed by that at all and he was kind of cocky with that. She doesn't need someone to try and impress her, she needs someone to just chill and hang out with her.
Cindy turned down Double A and said that it was down between Ryan and Ralph. She said that Ryan was young and sweet and she'd be right on him if he were a virgin. She had to pick number 1 as the winner. Double A was calling him a faggot and some other names.
Ryan said that Ralph said earlier that he didn't care about the date and he just wanted to meet Howard. Cindy couldn't believe that and said that men were dogs. Ralph said that he really did want to go out with her after reading about some stuff about her.
After hearing that Cindy said that she wanted to go out with Double A. Ralph said that he really wanted to go out with her and he was being honest. Howard said that he thinks that Cindy is saying she wants to go out with Double A now. She said that if Ralph is really saying he came there to meet Howard, she's not going on a date with him.
Double A said that Ralph's words were ''I don't even care about Cindy...'' Artie said that one of the guys was saying that they had a tattoo of Howard on his arm. Cindy didn't seem to care about that. Artie asked her to stick with Double A in respect of the comedy gods out there.
Ralph tried to save himself but it wasn't looking good. Cindy asked Robin for some advice. Robin was going to help her but Howard told her she may want to stay out of it. Cindy was thinking that she might want to go with the 23 year old. Howard said he wasn't going to advise her. Cindy asked Ryan how old his mother is. He said she's 54. That seemed to help a little bit because she's not his mother's age.
Double A was trying to talk Cindy into going out with him. Ryan said he was going to try and enter the Playboy thing but he got on this show instead.
Howard asked Cindy to make a final decision. She ended up picking Ryan after thinking about everything. Then the guys started talking about how the comments that Ralph was making may have been made up and Cindy thought about going back to her original choice. Double A was still trying to get her to go out with him but she wasn't impressed with his cockiness. She said that she doesn't care about the Atlantic City thing.
Gary said that he heard before they went in there that Ralph had said that he wasn't interested in the date. The Howard TV guys had some audio of that too. They played it and Ralph said that the main issue for him being there wasn't Cindy. Ralph tried to explain his way out of that but it wasn't working very well.
Howard let the guys give their final pleas once again. He had Double A give his final plea and he said that he wasn't trying to impress her with his money and she'd have a great time with him. He told her he's into hotties and she's definitely smokin hot.
Ryan said they'll have a great time if they go out. Ralph tried to recover from the bashing earlier and said that he really meant what he said earlier. He said he wants to make the girl really happy. Howard told the guys that Cindy just announce she wants to go back to her husband after hearing all of that.
Howard asked Cindy for her final answer and she picked Ryan, number 2, as her date. Cindy told Double A that saying that he's into hot girls isn't cool.
Howard had Double A go over and say hello to Cindy. He said ''look at those fun bags'' as soon as he saw her. He showed her his tattoos of Howard that he had on his arms. Howard said that Double A has gotten pretty big and he's more like Triple A at this point.
Ralph came out and said hello to Cindy and she seemed to like him. Then Howard had the winner, Ryan, come out and meet her. She said that he didn't even look 22, he looked older. she said she thinks she made the best choice and he was very cute. She said that she can totally teach him things. She said that he's going to be telling people about her for years. Howard told her to come back in and tell them what she teaches him.
Howard said that Ralph looked very jealous after Ryan took the win. Double A said that she picked him after she dropped Ralph the first time.
Howard asked Cindy if she will toss a man's salad. She said that's what a blow job is all about and she does everything down there. She said it's all about the balls and the ass.
Howard gave Cindy some more plugs for the Playboy thing. You can sign up to win a date with her at Playboy.com. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said that he always hears that Double A is with hot chicks but he can't imagine that he gets chicks with that rap of his.
Howard said that Richard Belzer stoped by to do the news with them. He said they have Win Fred's Money and Anal Ring Toss coming up later this week.
Richard Belzer came in and Robin said that he's looking super thin, like a super model. Belzer complained that he had to sit out in the green room while the contest was going on. He asked if they know who he is.
Belzer had tattooed ''don't panic'' on his arm so Howard asked what's up with that. He didn't get an answer. Belzer said that he weighs 104 pounds now but he was up at 138 at one point.
Howard asked Belzer about his Hulk Hogan experience where he settled with him after the guy dropped him on his head. Belzer said he got $400,000 out of that settlement. It wasn't the 10 million that Bubba once claimed.
Howard asked Belzer about the Hogan family and the things they've been going through after the son Nick crashed his car. Belzer said that they should spend time taking about George Carlin instead and dropped that subject.
Howard and Belzer talked about how big of a deal Carlin was. They talked about how he changed his appearance drastically and how big of a deal that was back in the 1970s. Howard asked Belzer what his favorite bit was. Belzer said that if he had to choose one it was the interpretation of the 10 commandments. Howard told him that his favorite is the religion bit he did.
Belzer said that he almost didn't come in this morning because he was so upset by the news of Carlin's death. Belzer said that there was an article about him in Rolling Stone magazine and in 1981 or 82 George was supposed to sit in for Johnny. Carson's producer said hat Richard Belzer would never be on the show because of his act but George wanted to have him on as a guest when he was hosting. Belzer said that was the first time he ever got on and it was kind of a big deal for him that Carlin got him on. He said he heard what he had to go through to get him on and it was huge.
Richard said that he spoke to George in the past year. He said he wasn't sure what kind of money he was making recently. Artie said that he knows a guy who told him that 3 years ago he was worth over $100 million. He said that most of that was from merchandise. He was also playing huge venues for the longest time too.
Belzer was saying that Carlin was abusing himself with the smoking and stuff like that. Howard said that Belzer is doing that too by smoking.
Howard said that Belzer didn't have his dog with him today. Belzer said that's because he's not allowed to have it in the building. Howard heard that the dog had changed his life so he asked about that. Belzer said that the dog did change his life. He was going to get into that but Howard asked him how old he is. Belzer didn't come out and say how old he is so he asked how old he looks. Howard said he looks 58. Belzer said that in August he's turning 64.
Howard asked Belzer if he can still get it up. Belzer said that he has no problem with that. He said that his wife is gorgeous and he can still get it up for her. He said that they don't see each other all the time though so that makes it even better. He said that they have an unconventional marriage but they've been together for 27 years now. He said that they have separate lives and they like it that way.
Belzer said that he was living over in France and this dog followed him home. Howard interrupted him and said that he heard that Belzer was trying to get the dog into the building by saying that it was for medical reasons. They wouldn't let the dog in no matter what.
Belzer said that he became attached to the dog over in France because it was abused and abandoned. He said he related to the dog because he was abused and abandoned. Belzer said that he brought the dog back to the United States and the dog just does everything with him. He said that he talks to the dog and spends all of his time with it. He said that he brings the dog to work and everywhere else he goes. He said he feels like a 10 year old kid with a dog.
Belzer has a tattoo of his dog on his arm so he took his shirt off and showed them that. Howard said he was in good shape and said he had no fat on him at all.
Howard gave Belzer some plugs for Last Comic Standing because Belzer is a judge on the show. Belzer said that it reminded him of the auditions that he used to do at Catch a Rising Star so that's why he did it. He said that he and Steve Shirippa are judging together and there are some very funny people out there.
Howard asked Belzer if he's friend with Robin Williams. He said that he is so Howard told him about their history and how he thinks that Robin hates him because he said that he married his nanny. Howard said that the guy has held it against him for the past 20 years or so. He asked Belzer to take that up with Robin next time he sees him.
Howard read an excerpt from Paul Reiser's book where he bad mouths Belzer. Belzer said that he doesn't deny any of what he said but it was 35 years ago that he was acting the way he described in the book. Belzer was sniffing a lot as he was talking so Howard asked him if he's doing coke or something. Belzer said that he has a sinus thing going on and he hasn't done coke in a long time.
Artie told Belzer to tell the joke about Vincent Pastore and Lisa Lampanelli that he told at this roast they were at. Belzer didn't remember it at first but Artie refreshed his memory. He said that Pastore didn't show up so he said that instead of getting Big Pussy, they got Giant Cunt to show up instead.
Belzer got back to the Paul Reiser thing and talked about how Reiser came in back in the 70s or so and he wanted to go on stage at his club. When he let him go on, he saw that he was doing Richard Lewis, his buddy, and he knew that he had made a mistake. He said that it was Lewis' style and not even his jokes. Belzer said that Richard got upset about that and didn't like Reiser for a long time. He said that he doesn't dislike him now though. Belzer said that it was kind of disturbing when he saw him doing the act the way he did.
Howard said that Bill Maher says that he's never seen Belzer do an act sober. Belzer said he used to drink Jack Daniels before every show. He said that he's done just about every drug too.
Artie said he heard stories about Belzer from a club owner and the guy loved Belzer. He had stories about Belzer and John Belushi being able to come in and party for 3 days straight. Howard said that Artie wishes that he was in that group back then.
Belzer told stories about drugs being passed around like appetizers at parties that he used to go to back in the 70s.
Howard said he had to take a break a short time later. He said that Belzer's character, Detective Munch, has been on at least 10 different shows and he's still doing it. Robin said that character is going to join Desperate Housewives. Belzer said that it's thanks to Howard too. Barry Levinson heard Belzer on Howard's show and asked Belzer to come in and audition for a part. That's what led to that character being developed and spreading to the other shows.
A caller reminded Howard that Belzer was in Scarface. Howard didn't remember that. That led to Howard asking Belzer if he had any stories from that movie set. Belzer said there were some but he was going to save those stories. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back a short time alter and gave Belzer some more plugs. Belzer asked him about the Mike Myers universe and what happened at the Letterman show when he was there. Howard didn't hear about that so Belzer let out a ''hee heee'' laugh and told him about the story. He said that he was acting like a diva back stage at the show and demanding all kinds of stuff. He said that he's heard that he's burned every bridge and paved over them all. He said he's seen him over the years and he's been very nice to him, he's just reporting on what he's read in the press.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who claims that Belzer banged Michelle Pfeiffer on the set of Scarface. The guy said he knows a guy who claims to have seen Belzer banging Michelle on the set in her trailer. Belzer said that it wasn't him and he was never on the set the same day as Michelle.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that Beth O is saying that they're getting married this summer with just family. Howard said that's what he's told everyone already. Howard said that they're going to have two weddings. He said that they're having the family wedding and then one for friends. That's the one where Mark Consuelo is marrying them. Robin said that's ridiculous and asked him to take her name off the guest list. Howard asked her what triggered that. She said that he'll already be married by then so it's pointless. Howard said that they're not getting married in front of the family either, they're getting married and it'll be just them without even family.
Robin said she wants to go to a ''real'' wedding. Howard told her to go ahead, Will is getting married in Saratoga or something. She can go to that one. Howard said he'd love to have Robin at his wedding. He said that she'll have to be hurt though. He said that he'll talk to her off the air about it since she won't talk about Jim on the air. Belzer said that he and his wife eloped so that's what Howard should do.
Langford said that Jim Florentine was on Bubba the Love Sponge's show and let out a lot of stuff during that interview. Steve said that Jim let out that he and Robin had made out for the first time in the back of a cab.
Steve said that Angry Black is upset that he hasn't gotten his own show there at SIRIUS and he's being treated like crap. He wants to do a show called ''Black Friday.''
Steve said that on this day in 1993 Howard called Jesse Jackson an idiot and called him Jesse Jerkson. He also threw in some plugs for some shows that are on Howard 101 tonight.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they'd be covering today. That led to Howard wondering if he should have Richard Belzer on his wedding guest list. He said that maybe he should because he's been a friend of the show for so long.
Robin started off her news with the news about George Carlin's death. She read some of the news about that and had Howard play some audio clips.
Howard said that he thinks that advertising really works because he saw the previews for the movie 10,000 BC and he went right out and bought it. Robin told him that the movie was horrible and he shouldn't have wasted his money. Artie said he thought it was a documentary but that's not what it turned out to be.
Howard said that he had some news about Robin. she was ranked number 5 for celebrity breasts. Dolly Parton, Britney Spears, Katie Seagal were all above Robin on the list. That came from a site called Mammarazzi.
Robin asked Howard if he's involved in the planning of his wedding. He said that he is. Howard went on to say that Beth is having a hard time coming up with a guest list though. He said that they're going to have about 100 people there. He said that Beth has a lot of friends and he has a lot of people who he works with. He said that he doesn't really have a lot of ''friends.''
Howard said that he wants to have Robin, Artie and Fred there but not people like Benjy, Richard and Sal. He said that he'd have to invite Sal and Richard if he opens it up to Benjy. Then he'd have to invite the people from Howard TV there. He said that he'd have to invite Doug, Scott DePace and Brian Phelan and people like that. Then there wouldn't be room for people like Belzer. Gary said that DePace just said that he's been there for 15 years and that's the kind of treatment he gets. Howard said this is why he didn't want a wedding at all. He said he just wants to have a dinner with his friends so he can announce this thing.
Howard said that he loves the people he works with and he'd love to have them all to the wedding but it's just not going to happen. Belzer suggested that everyone write an essay on why they should be there. Howard told Belzer he wanted to kiss him when he heard that. He said that's brilliant. He's going to have everyone write a paragraph about why they should be there.
Belzer blew his nose again so Howard asked him what the hell is going on there. He's sounding like an old man. Belzer joked that he just shit his pants too.
Gary said that DePace just gave his answer for that and it said ''I've been here 15 years. Fuck you.'' Howard said that doesn't work.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi getting married and they're doing it on Ellen's show. Robin read some news about Barack Obama and that got Belzer talking politics and his thoughts on Obama.
Robin read some more stories about the rising oil prices. Belzer was claiming that the automobile companies have been keeping people from coming out with vehicles that get great mileage to keep people buying gasoline. He said that it's the oil companies demanding it.
Robin read some news about Amy Winehouse's emphysema and how they're blaming that on her smoking crack. She also had a story about a person that was eating their child. The family was part of a cannibalistic cult and they were skinning their child. She had a story about some young girls up in Massachusetts who had a pregnancy pact.
Belzer threw out some jokes and some plugs for his upcoming comedy appearances. He mentioned he'll be playing with a band at one of his appearances.
Robin read some news about Christie Brinkley, music acts that have been let go from their record companies, comic book character movies that might be made and more. That led to Belzer asking Howard if he was going to make another movie because he has an idea for him.
Ralph called in and said that Belzer is so fucking great on the air and he's glad to hear him hanging out again. He asked him why he's never on. Belzer said that he's never invited anymore. Ralph said that he should have his own hour long show there. Howard said that he could put him on for his own show one night if he wanted. Belzer didn't really sound interested though.
Robin read about the new Get Smart movie being number one at the box office this weekend. She also talked about how bad The Love Guru did. Belzer said he read a review where the guy said that you may never be able to laugh again after seeing that movie. Robin had Howard play a clip of Jessica Alba talking about Mike Myers.
Robin read a few more stories about Angelina Jolie, the Daytime Emmy Awards, Ellen Degeneres, Naomi Campbell, Al Roker taking over Family Feud and more. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:45am.
Artie wanted to comment on George Carlin's death and mention a few things that he didn't get out on the air this morning. He said he heard a story about Carlin being very close to Sam Kinison. He said that he saw him live one time at an HBO taping in April if 1992. He said that it was a live show that he did and the guy was amazing. He said that Kinison died a few days before the show and at the end Carlin dedicated the show to Kinison. He didn't know just how close they were though.
Gary said that Sam and Dice kind of hated each other back then and the two of them were always being compared to one another. Carlin once said he didn't get Dice at all and then a couple of years later the two of them were booked on the show together. Carlin apologized to him in the green room and then Howard told Dice that apologizing in the green room meant nothing, he should be doing it on the air. That got Dice all pissed off again.
Artie said that there are a couple of interviews with Carlin that Bob Costas did that are worth seeing. He said that guy does some great interviews. That led to the guys talking about Howard's interview on that show and how Costas wasn't there and Tom Snyder was filling in for him.
Gary said that Carlin's HBO specials might be some of the best comedy shows in history. Artie said that when he was about 12 he got Carlin's ''Class Clown'' album and then got some of his other albums and he wore them all out listening to them so much.
Gary and Artie talked about some of Carlin's HBO specials and how amazing they were. Artie said that he thinks that he could do a new album or something after a few years of putting stuff together but Carlin was doing an hour of brand new material every two years and that's just insane. He said that the guy never sucked through all that time and he never got to be that asshole celebrity like some become. Gary used Billy Crystal as an example of the asshole celebrity.
The guys talked about a lot of the Carlin stuff. Gary asked him if he thinks that Carlin's stuff is the best or if Eddie Murphy's ''Delirious'' is the funniest. Artie said that he'd have to give Eddie the nod on that. He said that he'd also say that Pryor is next and then Carlin.
Artie said that he had a lot of stories to share during the show but Howard wanted to move on. Artie went into one story about how Carlin asked to be fired from the Copa Cabana out in Vegas. Once he got fired he started to grow his hair long and changed his look.
A caller brought up some of the stuff that Carlin did over the years like a kid's program where he played a railroad engineer.
The guys talked about the Carnegie and some other great deli's around the city and other cities. Artie said the rye bread at Jerry's deli isn't as fresh at some. He said he wasn't sure if that was just in his head or not. Jon told him it's not in his head.
The guys talked about some other places out in L.A. Artie said that he's never had pizza out there that's nearly as good as New York pizza.
Gary told a story about Stuttering John having some pizza delivered to a pool out there and it was from this Mulberry Pizza place that hey were talking about.
The guys were also talking about that guy David who came in and the crazy accent he had. Artie said he thought it was a Chicago accent but the guy was from Maryland.
Ronnie came in and said that he didn't hate that guy but he was bothering a lot of people there. He said that he was bothering Belzer and he knew that Belzer was irritated by him. Gary said that they couldn't get rid of the guy either, he just didn't want to leave. Jon played a clip of Howard talking to David about the sandwich and Artie was able to pick which was which.
The guys talked about some other stuff during that discussion. Artie told some stories about working with Ed Asner and how he called Gwyneth Paltrow a ''fucking cunt'' one time.
Jon asked what was going on with that guy Ralph. Artie interrupted and said he had to get going. Jon thanked him for stopping by.
Gary and Jon talked about that guy Ralph and how David tried to out him on the air. They talked about how creepy Double A was throwing his money out on the floor the way he did. Gary also asked how many times Cindy changed her mind with her pick for the date.
Jon played a clip from the Cindy Margolis thing where she made her first pick of Ralph and then Ryan exposed the comments he made about not being there for her.
The guys talked about how good Cindy was looking and how her tits were hanging out. They talked about how surprised they were when Cindy picked Ralph at first. Jon said that he was hoping that she was going to pick Double A and he was really pulling for him.
A woman called in and said that she heard Leah Remini use the term ''setting the table'' that Gary used last week and he should play it for Howard. Gary said that JD is pulling a bunch of clips of other people using that term but he's looking for more of something from NPR or somewhere like that. They spent another minute with that woman and then had to go to break.
Gary and Jon spent a little more time talking about George Carlin. Gary talked about how he used to sneak around listening to Carlin's albums and his parents never would have let him listen if they knew that it had the F-word on it.
Jon said he had some more calls about Cindy Margolis' appearance today so he wanted to take those. One caller said that Double A's new name should be ''Absolute Asshole'' because he couldn't have been serious acting like that in front of a woman. Gary said that he can't believe that his lines work on any chicks but Artie told him that they do.
Gary also said that Double A has gained a lot of weight and he's acting like he's a trim and fit guy but he's really not.
Another caller said that Double A is a jackass and he's not sure why Howard puts him on the show. He said that they should give 3 people who have never had the chance to be on the show. Gary said they're doing a comedy show and they put him on because it's funny. The caller said that Double A is an asshole though. Gary said that's why it's funny. Jon said that they were cracking up in the back every time Double A said anything to Cindy.
The alternate guy, Will, called in so Gary explained to us what an alternate is. Will said that he really wanted to get in on the contest. Will said that Ralph said that he had never even heard of Howard until a few months ago when he bought his car with SIRIUS in it.
Will said that he got to say hello to Cindy after the game. Benjy said that he looked like he was really into her too. Gary said that Will probably had a whole scenario in his head about how he could have gotten her. Will said he kind of did.
Another caller said that Double A cracks him up. He said it was funny when they busted that guy Ralph for saying that he wasn't even there for Cindy. Another caller asked why they didn't try to get her on the Sybian. Gary said that she doesn't appear naked on the show so it might be hard to get her on that thing. He said she did seem to have a new attitude today though so maybe she would do it.
Jon asked the guys if the 3 kids would be a deal breaker. Benjy said that he thinks he'd be the deal breaker, not the kids. Gary asked him if he ever dated anyone with kids. Benjy said that he did but the kids never met him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Belzer earlier but he didn't get the chance. Gary said that Belzer doesn't like looking at other women and he actually walked out of his bachelor party many years ago.
Another caller said she thought that Robin was defending Hanzi a lot for smoking pot so maybe she's smoking it herself. Gary said that he's not sure that she's into that stuff because she went to Amsterdam with him one time and she didn't have any interest in it.
Another guy said he thought that it was kind of messed up to claim that Ralph was gay when they were doing the dating game. Gary said that's what the guys were trying to do to win that date.
Jon had David the Subway guy on the phone. Gary told him that they want him to come back in because Howard really liked him on the show today. Dave said that he's going to do a pizza challenge next time he's on.
Another caller said that he thought Cindy's voice was really annoying on the air today. Gary said she sounded the same to him. The caller said that her tone was really annoying. Benjy said that she sounds kind of like a transsexual to him. Gary didn't notice that so Jon replayed the clip to him.
Gary said he was hearing it now that they replayed it. She sounded very much like Chyna the wrestler. Benjy said that she has a tiny nose so maybe she had surgery or something.
Another caller said he was annoyed with Belzer and how he was talking over Robin's news today. Gary said that Belzer and Gilbert Gottfried are two guys who have free reign over Robin's news. She just puts her head down and plows through it when they're on.
Benjy asked if they think that Belzer is going to get crap for doing a joke about ''towel heads'' during the news. Gary said that he's known for doing that stuff over the years and he doesn't think he'll get any crap. That led to the guys talking about how many shows Belzer has been in playing the part of Detective Munch. They brought up the X-Files, all of the Law and Order shows, The Wire and others.
Another caller brought up George Carlin and said that he didn't think that he was all that popular. The guys talked about how popular his HBO specials were.
Gary read some more about Belzer's appearances in TV shows and said that he was also in Arrested Development. Benjy thought that was pretty wild that he played that Munch character in a different genre of show.
Another caller complained about Cindy being a whore and holding in all of this stuff over the years. Another guy complained about the Subway sandwiches and went off on them for the color of their roast beef. He was going nuts complaining about the sandwich and Gary picked up on his New York accent and said that he must stick out like a sore thumb out in Michigan.
Jon took one last call from a guy who said that he finds it hard to believe that Benjy had an affair with a married woman. Gary said that Benjy does okay and he does date a lot of women. Benjy said that he didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk about how pissed Robin got with the wedding discussion. He said that she was really upset that she's not going to the ''real'' wedding. Gary said he's not sure what's going on with those two and he never knows. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about Imus who is in trouble again with his radio show. Howard said the guy is getting senile or something. He played the comment that got him into trouble. It was a clip where Warner Wolf was talking about sports and Imus is talking to him about Adam ''Pacman'' Jones and makes a racial comment about him getting arrested so much because he's black. Imus is now claiming that he was saying that because he was trying to defend the guy and saying that the reason he gets picked on is because he's African American.
Robin said that she thinks that this happens to him because he's just not funny. Howard said that Imus is trying to be brilliant but he was never brilliant or witty. He said that he wasn't doing talk radio until he saw Howard doing his show.
Howard said that Imus is now an old man and he's trying to be witty and it just comes out wrong. He did an impression of Imus, who is sounding really old now, and goofed on him about this latest controversy. Howard said that the guy sounds really exhausted now and the impression Fred does makes Imus sound too young and full of life.
Howard replayed the Imus clip and said that if he had half a brain the guy wouldn't even bring up the word black and he wouldn't ask what color the guy was. He said that maybe he needs the money or something. He said he thinks the guy has lost it at this point and ABC must be shitting their pants hearing this. He said that they shelled out a lot of money to bring that guy back on the air.
Robin said that Imus is supposed to be talking about what he meant with that comment today on his show. Howard did his impression of Imus again and made him fall asleep in the middle of his show. Howard said you need to have some energy and actually be funny when you do a show like that. Fred played some of Artie's snoring clip as they were going through that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Imus is a senile old racist coot. Howard said that the guy just doesn't have the energy to explain what he meant with his comment. The explanation that Imus is giving for the comment makes no sense when you hear what he actually said on the air. Howard said that he really didn't explain anything when he said ''that explains it'' when Warner Wolf told him that Jones was African American.
Howard asked who the hell is even listening to that show. Robin said that it's funny when you see him in his cowboy hat, it makes him look like someone dressed him up in a costume.
Howard showed Robin a picture of Jimmy Paige and Beatrice Arthur and they look very much the same. He said that's what happens when you get old. Imus is getting to that point too.
Howard did the new impression of Imus some more and goofed on him as he took some phone calls. One guy said that Imus is going to run out of black people to come on his show and support him. Today he's going to have Dick Gregory on the show to help him out with his comments.
Howard played a clip of Sal going out and interviewing some people about Imus' last on-air screw up. All of the people he interviewed were upset with Imus' comments and went off on him. The caller on the line said it's funny that the people Sal was interviewing didn't know that Sal was a racist himself.
The caller asked Howard if he could get on the show but when he didn't have any ideas of what to do, Howard hung up on him and told him it's not up to him to come up with things for him to do.
Howard talked about some of the stuff that he was thinking about with these candidates. He read through some e-mail he got about the John McCain and Barack Obama and people were telling him to shut the fuck up about that stuff when he doesn't have his facts straight.
The caller said that anyone who doesn't vote is a jerk off. He asked where Artie was today. Howard hung up on him after saying he was there.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that he's been breaking his ass working down in Florida. He said he heard Doug on Bubba's show yesterday talking about the wedding special on Howard TV. Howard said that was kind of old stuff there. The guys told him that it was a repeat he heard yesterday.
Mike said that Imus only gets publicity when he does something stupid. Howard said that's right and he gets zero ratings. Mike said he didn't even know the guy was back on radio. Howard had to bail on Mike because he had some kind of noise going on behind him.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if the sex is better now with Beth than when they first met. Howard said there was more foreplay when they first started going out. They didn't have sex for two weeks when they started dating. He said that they went to Dominic's house and Beth told him it still wasn't time to do it. Howard said he packed some rubbers just in case and they went at it in every room of that house out there.
Howard said they had sex last night while they were watching the 2 hour Bachelorette show. He said that the show was one of the best episodes yet. He said it's coming down to the wire. Robin said she had to bail out of it when she tried to watch it. Howard said that they started watching it on their TiVo and they caught up with the commercials. He said he started to give Beth a little action and then they started doing it yet again.
Howard said that it's been 8 years now and he thinks that it's going to be great with her. He said that Beth has been telling him about this wedding dress she's going to be wearing and it's going to be something else to see it.
Howard said he went to Tom Ford where he's having his wedding suit made. He was there with his buddy Tony and he dresses really sharp. He said that Tony told him that he didn't look fabulous enough in the suit. Howard said he had the 3 piece suit made for him but it wasn't enough according to Tony. Howard said he told him that he doesn't even look like he belongs up there with Beth to begin with.
Howard said that Tony told him that Tom Ford should be designing the suit for him himself. He said that Tony is going to hook him up with the man himself and see what happens. Howard said he saw a suit there that was a little flashier than he was looking for but he's not sure if he should be wearing it.
Bobo asked if Howard has ever gone in bare back with Beth in a heated moment of passion. Howard said that he thinks that he may have done that a couple of times. He said that he just pulls out and he knows it's kind of dopey to do that. He said that he has spectacular control and he can do that. Then he said that he really has no control at all and things can come out of you even when you don't finish in there.
Howard said that he knows that's risky because Beth has told him she won't get an abortion if she does get pregnant.
Bobo asked if Jackie Martling is going to be invited to the wedding. Howard said that's a good question because he can't decide on who should be coming to the wedding. He doesn't think he would invite Jackie to the wedding. He said they don't hang out anymore since Jackie left the show. He said that they have had dinner but he doesn't have a relationship with Beth and they don't know him that well anymore.
Robin asked Artie how long he's been there. Artie said it's been 7 and a half years. That's about how long Jackie has been gone.
Howard said that Jackie once went out with him and Beth but she never really got to know him very well. Howard said that maybe he could get in if he wrote an essay to get in on it. He said that no one has even sent him one yet. Howard said he heard that Benjy was working on one after they talked about it yesterday.
Benjy said that he was thinking about walking into the wedding and being asked if he was with the bride or the groom and he could just say ''No, I won the essay contest...''
Robin asked Howard if he met Benjy's mother when she was there the other day. Howard said he missed her because he had an appointment to get to. He said he heard that she was really classy looking and looked kind of like Jackie Onasis.
Bobo asked if Howard is getting married on the beach like Fred did. Howard said that he's not. Robin asked about their rings. Howard said that Beth has her ring ready to go but he's getting a tattoo on his finger instead. He said he wants to turn his wedding into something like Lalapalooza where people can go and get tattoos and do wild stuff like that.
Howard said that Phoebe Snow is going to be performing at the wedding. He said there are a couple of people who are going to perform at the wedding. He said that Phoebe might make him cry at the wedding. He said that he saw her doing a show not too long ago and it was so emotional that he's thinking he might just cry during the wedding.
Howard told the story about Phoebe and her daughter who had a lot of medical problems. The girl was supposed to die young but she ended up living to 32. He said that Phoebe loved her unconditionally and it wrecked Phoebe. He said that Phoebe thinks she has no purpose in her life since her daughter died. He said that Phoebe offered to sing a song to him at his wedding and he told her he'd be honored.
Robin said that Bobo was sounding like he was under water or something. Bobo said that it was his salt water aquarium. He said he's got all kinds of fish and sharks in there. It's a 72 gallon tank that he takes care of himself. He said he's been doing that for 30 some years now.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he saw some pictures of Beth from the ugliest dog contest and she was looking really good. Howard said that she went out to do that show in San Francisco. He's not sure when it's going to air though. Howard said he asked Beth if she wore anything hot and she said she didn't. They dressed her down for the show. The caller told Howard he's definitely a lucky man.
The caller said he's been waiting to get Howard TV out there for a while now and the cable company is telling him that they're waiting for some kind of download. Howard told the guy he'd look into that for him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's going to ruin everything he's bragging about if he gets married. He said that Howard has given all of these other guys lectures about doing this and he's going to ruin it if he does it. Howard said he's going to take the risk and if it doesn't work out they'll get divorced.
The caller said that Howard is sounding a lot like Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton with their vial of blood. Howard said that getting a tattoo isn't the same as keeping vials of blood around your neck. He said he knows that he fucked up his first marriage good but he's hoping that this one works out.
Robin said she heard that Pam Anderson is back together with Tommy Lee. Howard said she's going to be on the show soon so they can ask her about that then.
Another caller told Howard that he liked Hanzi on the show yesterday. Howard then read through some e-mail about Hanzi and some people thought that he wasn't all that good. There were other people who thought that they were bullying Hanzi when he called in.
Howard said he got an e-mail from someone asking Robin what the name of the magazine is that she was in. Robin wasn't even sure what it was. She said it was something like 40° x 74°. Howard thought she knew the name but wasn't coming out with it for some reason.
Howard read some more mail about Robin and then some about Cindy Margolis. One guy said that Cindy is a bullshitter and she's become irrelevant so that's why she's coming out and doing the nude shoots now. Other people went off on her about using her looks to manipulate people.
There were some people who hated Double A on the show yesterday. Howard read through some of that feedback and people were asking that he never be on the show again.
Richie from Howard TV came in and said that the date was pretty uneventful. He said that Cindy called his job for him and when she handed the phone back to the guy, it had a layer of make up on it that he had to wipe off with his finger. Other than that it was pretty uneventful.
Howard read some mail about the George Carlin discussion and some people were upset that they kept the guy off the show over the years.
Some people wrote in about Belzer and were glad to have him back on the show. Some people didn't like him on and said that they'd never listen again if he was on. Howard said that he heard that about 95 percent of those e-mails were positive about Belzer.
The caller said that he called John the Stutterer last night and got him all worked up about Scott DePace. Howard said he has to get some clips from that show to listen to.
Imus claims he was just making a point with Warner Wolf when he asked about what color he was. Howard said that he should have said that at the time then instead of explaining it a day later. Howard played more of the audio and then Imus said that people should be upset that black people are being arrested so much and being picked on.
Howard said that Imus is so gone now. He said that Sharpton isn't going to fall for this one. He said that the guy should just quit now and retire. He said he's got enough money now and he can ride off into the sunset and go away.
Imus went on to explain how he has black people working on his show and he would never make a comment like people think he would. He said that he talks about that stuff all the time. He wondered why no one reports on that. Howard said that it's because the guy's show is a bore fest. Howard said that they're going to get him for this one and he's full of shit. He said he doesn't care if the guy is on the air or not but the guy is a moron and he thinks that people are going to understand what he's talking about.
Howard didn't understand some of what Imus was saying. Imus was talking about people going out to night clubs and how you should expect them to have guns. Howard wondered what the hell he was talking about.
Howard replayed the clip of Imus talking to Warner Wolf about Pacman Jones and not being clear with his thoughts. He said that he should be able to articulate what he means, he's on radio after all. He said that it's like the ramblings of a senile old coot.
Fred and Howard were doing impressions of Imus almost using the N-word. They had some fun with that and goofed on the guy's dopey comments.
JD said that Imus is actually out at his ranch doing his show. Howard said that guy has a better fuckin deal than he does. He wondered how he worked that out. Howard said that the guy is on another planet when he does his show now and that's why no one can understand what he's talking about.
Howard replayed Imus' explanation of what he said and goofed on him some more. He talked about how Charles McCord was kissing Imus' ass during the discussion and agreeing with everything he was saying.
Howard had some fun goofing on Imus and talking about how he only sounds animated when he's defending himself. Ralph called in and said that this is great but Imus' explanation makes no sense because that Pacman guy is obviously out of control.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Imus some more and goofed on those comments some more. Howard was making stuff up that Imus might say.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he had ever met an Imus listener. Howard said that he has never met one as far as he knows. He said he knows of no one who actually listens to that guy.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using Imus audio clips. They called a guy and had Imus explaining his last on-air screw up that got him fired.
Artie thought those clips were great and he would love to hear that whole thing. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he gets bored with the Imus stuff but he has to agree that he has to talk about this thing. Howard said that the calls he's getting sound like they all have a lot of background noise in them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he has a friend who has a grandfather who has dementia and he goes out to porn stores and drops his pants and stuff like that. He said that the guy sounds a lot like Imus. Dominic said that Imus really sounds like he's out of it.
Dominic also asked Howard if he has to write an essay to get in on his wedding. Howard told him he does but then Robin reminded him that Dominic was key to his relationship in the beginning. Howard said he has to have him there then. He said he knows Dominic is going to be annoying though. He figured he could get him to pay for the whole wedding though.
Howard said that they had Anal Ring Toss coming up. He told Artie he had to defend his title of King of the Anal Rings. He said they don't have a celebrity to play though. He said that Joan Rivers was coming in so maybe she'd do it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Lisa G was there and maybe she could play Artie in Anal Ring Toss. She came in and Howard asked her if she would be willing to play the game with Artie. He said that they don't have a celebrity there to play so they need someone to play against Artie.
Howard said that the girl who will have the anal ring toss thing in her ass is able to queef when they get a ring on the stick. He told Lisa that if she wins the game she could come to his wedding. Lisa said that she thinks she should be able to go to the wedding as a reporter. Gary said that Steve Langford would probably be the one there that day. Howard said he's not sure if he's going to have any of the news team there. If Lisa steps up and plays this game though, she might get in.
Lisa said that the wedding is a news event and they should be allowed to cover it. Howard said he's going to disband the news department then. He said he doesn't want them covering the wedding. He said that he just wants Lisa to play the game.
Howard told Lisa that he'll have her at the wedding as a guest, not even as a reporter. Lisa sounded interested in that. Gary said that Lisa always gets a bad rap on the Wrap Up Show for not being a team player and this would change that. Lisa said that she won't go into the room when 8 men are bashing her on that show.
Lisa said that she didn't feel that comfortable playing Anal Ring Toss. She said that she does have good aim though and she thinks she could do well. Howard said he thought it would be kind of fun but he wasn't going to force it on her. Lisa passed on playing. He said that he's going to ban the news team from his wedding because of that.
Howard asked Lisa what she had coming up today. Lisa said that Lisa Lampanelli is going to be doing a TV pilot this fall with Jim Carrey. Howard said he was very happy for her.
Howard said that he heard that they're bringing back the show ''In Treatment'' and he's happy about that because he thought it was one of the greatest shows on TV. He said that the Bachelorette is better than that show though. He spent a minute talking about what's going on with that show. He said it shows how stupid people can be. He said that the Bachelorette is fairly attractive but she's got a big, fat ass.
Howard said that the guys this Bachelorette has are like models and they're not going to marry her. They're just caught up in the TV show. He talked about the one guy that has a kid on the show and the third guy who is a professional snow boarder. He said that the guy is 27-28 years old and probably doesn't have a pot to piss in. He said the guy lives in a shack and he has hundreds of snow boards on his walls as decorations. He said that guy needs to go out and get a job.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Lisa takes a lot of shit on the show but this is no big deal to throw a ring at a girl's ass. He asked her what the big deal is. Lisa said that she's not comfortable playing in the game. Lisa said that she's not comfortable playing.
Howard told Lisa that she's not going to be invited to his wedding if she doesn't play and win. He said that he doesn't have a lot of room in this wedding and the news team isn't going to come. Artie said that she couldn't win against him anyway. He said that no chick is going to beat him in that game. That led to the guys asking Lisa what she could beat Artie at. She said she could beat him in a race. Howard didn't even believe that. He said that Artie could probably win.
Artie told Lisa that on the night of Howard's wedding that she should go out with some dude and have her own life. Lisa said that this is an event and of course she wants to go.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Lisa to play the Anal Ring Toss and just make Artie look bad. Fred played a bunch of crow cawing sounds as she was screaming at Lisa.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said they have some things about George Takei's upcoming wedding and how he's going to invite Howard to that. Howard said he won't be going if it's in California.
Lisa said that they have some updates on Wolfie's distorted view of what Gary does there because he saw Gary approving bits in their office and he never does that. Gary said that those guys are nuts.
Howard asked Lisa if there was any way she was going to play Anal Ring Toss. She didn't like the strings that were attached. She said that if she wins she should get to go to the wedding and not risk losing something in the game. Howard said that he has to get something out of it if she loses.
Howard told Lisa that he'll give her Scott's gold star to wear on her head if she wins. She doesn't have to do anything if she loses. He's not going to have her to the wedding though. Howard let Lisa go and gave up on trying to get her to play the game.
Howard said that they had AJ the Anal Ring Toss girl coming in next. He still didn't know who was going to play against Artie in the game though. Artie said that someone like Jon Hein or Will could play.
Howard said that this AJ Morgan had some body. Will had to walk her in because her heels were so high that she had trouble walking. AJ said that she was there last time and she had blonde hair. That time they had the Iron Sheik playing the game.
Howard read that AJ does some porn movies and she was in one called ''AJ the OC Slut.'' She said that she's 21 years old and she's made 6 porn movies. AJ said that she made those in less than a year and a half. Howard played a clip of AJ getting banged in a movie by this guy Chester Molester. AJ said that he's really good in bed. In the clip she has the anal ring toss butt plug in and the guy finishes all over her butt plug. Howard asked where the mess was made. She said that it was on her butt and butt plug and it was very fun.
Howard asked if the butt plug makes the sex act more pleasurable. AJ just said ''Oh my god'' when asked about that. AJ said that Chester actually introduced her to anal sex and it's great.
Howard asked AJ how long it took her to get into the anal. She said that she enjoys it and the first time the penis just kind of fell in there. She said that she was grossed out by it growing up but now she's into it. She said that she gets an enema before she does the scenes. She said that they have to do it a lot to make sure it's cleared out back there. She said that it takes like an hour to get it done right.
Howard said that Artie wanted to defend his title today. He asked the guys out in the office if anyone wanted to play. Sal came running in and wanted to play but he's not going to get in on the wedding no matter what. He said that Beth wants nothing to do with him. AJ asked if she could play Anal Ring Toss at his wedding. Howard said he would love to do that.
Steve the Intern Brandano came in to play for the chance to get into the wedding. Howard told him that Sal had to slap him in the face with his cock again. Steve said he can't do that again. Howard told him that he has to do that. Sal said that they have something better though. He said that he just got finished taking a crap and he thinks that they should make Steve sniff his and Richard's asses. Steve said he's not doing that or anything with Sal's ass or dick. Sal had offered to paint a moustache on his face with his penis but that's not going to fly either.
Steve said he's trying to help the bit and not trying to get in on the wedding so much. Howard thanked him and let him go. Will wasn't willing to take a dick to his face either. Jason said that he would love to go to Howard's wedding but not for the consequences of the game. He said that he's not looking for any of that gay stuff and he's not up for it.
Howard said that AJ is also a queefer and very beautiful. He asked her when she lost her virginity. She said that was at 16. Howard also found out that she's got a girlfriend and her name is Cat. She said that she has been on the show before too. Howard asked her how she made the move on her. AJ wasn't sure.
Howard read that AJ can lactate on demand and can squirt some breast milk. AJ said that she's not pregnant but she can make milk and used to be able to shoot it across the room. Sal said that he'd take some milk in his coffee if she wanted to do that. She agreed to do that and took her top off.
Howard said that her boobs were really big. She said that they're a 34 DD now and they used to be a 32 D. She said that they just filled her up.
AJ squirted her milk and the guys said that it went pretty far. Sal got hit with some of that. She said that it sometimes comes out and sometimes doesn't. She had the guys laughing when she shot the milk. AJ said that the doctor told her that the sucking on her breasts when she was younger made her body think that she had a baby and that led to her lactating. Howard said that was something else.
Howard said that since no one else wanted to play against Artie he was going to play himself. Artie said that if Howard doesn't win he shouldn't have to go to his own wedding. Howard said that sounded okay to him. Sal asked him if he'd take a dick to the face. Howard told him he's not going to do that.
Sal suggested that they have Richard play the game for the chance to go to the wedding. Richard said he would play after finding out that he and his girlfriend could go. If Richard lost he was going to have to sniff Sal's recently shit ass ten times. Richard agreed to that pretty quick.
Howard asked AJ to demonstrate her queef. She said that she had to lay on her back to get the air in there. Howard asked her to do it for them so they could hear it. She got on the floor and sucked in some air and then queefed. Howard told her that she's a lot of fun.
Howard gave AJ some plugs for AnalRingToss.com and ChesterMolesther.com. He then had her set up to play the game with Richard and Artie.
Howard asked AJ if she had a strange childhood or anything to lead her to do this porn. She said that she didn't have anything bad at all. She said that her family found out what she was doing when her boyfriend told her sister what she was doing. She said her family got kind of upset that she didn't tell them herself.
Howard said they were going to be throwing 7 rings at AJ's stick. AJ said she had to do something before she put the stick in her ass. She took a dildo and deep throated that. Then Howard asked her to try and talk while it was in there but she said that she can't because it blocks her airway.
Howard had AJ get down on the floor and prepare for this. Artie said that he liked the way it was working because she could see what was going on. That way she was prepared to queef if the guys got the ring on the stick.
Artie started off the game and missed the first, second, third and fourth shots. Then he got the fifth one and AJ queefed for the one he did get. Artie got the next one as well so AJ queefed again. Artie had one more and ended up getting that one as well with another queef confirming the hit.
Artie said that he was a little rusty but he did get 3 in a row there at the end. Richard said that he was already feeling Sal's stinky ass hairs on his nose.
Richard went and got his first ring on. He got the second one and then the third. Then he hit his fourth ring and won the chance to go to Howard's wedding. Richard missed the fifth, sixth and seventh. Richard is the new Lord of the Anal Rings.
Howard said that maybe it was Artie's weight gain that made him lose. Artie said that this is bullshit and he could complain about no practice but Richard didn't have any either. Artie said it had been about four years since he won that title of Lord of the Anal Rings. He handed over his title to Richard after that.
Howard gave AJ some more plugs and said that they weren't going to be smelling Sal's ass today. Richard said that he was willing to do it even though he won.
Artie said that he doesn't get Richard and why he'd want to sniff Sal's ass. Richard said he knows that people wanted him to do it and he loves the show so he's going through with it. Howard said that whenever they do stuff like that they get the most views on Howard TV. Artie kept saying that he just doesn't get this. Richard said he doesn't get it either.
Sal's hemorrhoid was sticking out so Richard pointed that out. Richard went in for a sniff and then started to dry heave. He said he smelled nothing but shit. Richard went in for the rest of the 10 sniffs and did them really quick and almost threw up. Howard asked AJ to go over and sniff but she didn't want to do it. She said that she was going to puke just looking at Richard almost puking.
Richard said that Sal was flexing his hemorrhoid and it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. AJ didn't want to sniff him but Howard asked her to do it anyway. She said there was toilet paper stuck in his ass but Richard said that was actually his hemorrhoid. She almost went in for a sniff but Howard said it wasn't close enough.
AJ said that she didn't smell anything so they had her go in for a second sniff. She said ''Ohh, that's gross!'' and then the guys said that Sal had just shit the floor. Sal said he was trying to fart and he ended up shitting instead. The guys were all laughing their asses off when they saw that. Robin said it's like she works with dogs.
Sal asked Artie to offer Richard some money to take that turd and make a moustache out of it. Artie told him to get away from him. Will was ready to puke and the guys were all looking at his hemorrhoid and freaking out.
Howard told Richard he'd see him at his wedding and wrapped up with AJ. Sal grabbed her towel and was going to wipe his ass with it. He then just used it as a ''manpon'' to make sure he didn't get anything else on the floor.
Howard asked AJ what she does at the bachelor parties and stuff. She said that they have a lot of fun doing the anal ring toss. She said that no guys shit on the floor. She said that she'll lactate and give lap dances and squirt the guys in the face if they want it. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he saw that Joan was going to be on the new Family Feud game show up against Ice T's family. Joan came in a few seconds later and said that it was great to see him. Howard told her that she's looking really good.
Joan said that she's doing a documentary on her life and she wants Howard to say hello to the woman who is doing the documentary. Howard said that they should have told them that she was bringing her in and they could have found out some more about her. Joan said that she was told no when she asked to bring her in.
The guys brought in Rickie Stern so Howard asked her about what she has learned about Joan since she started doing this documentary. Rickie said she found out that Joan has a better sex life than most 18 year olds. She said that the film is up for grabs right now.
Howard asked what they're going to see in this movie. Rickie said that they're going to film her over a year and make something with that footage. Joan sounded thrilled by the whole thing. Howard said it must cost a tremendous amount to make a film like that. He said that they have to have a crew on her 24 hours a day for a year. This is a major production. Joan said that she's an icon and she gets no respect when she comes on the show.
Howard said that Joan has been waiting her whole life for something like this. He asked if she signed an agreement with the company or something. Joan said she hasn't done that yet. Howard asked her if she feels she has to do outrageous stuff now that she's on camera. Joan said she doesn't feel that way at all.
Howard said that this is fascinating and he hopes it turns out interesting and does well for Joan. He asked Rickie how she came up with this whole thing. She said that Joan is an icon so they felt that they should make this movie.
Rickie said that she was on a short list of nominees for an Academy Award but didn't actually make it into the awards. Howard told her to come back when she's a winner. He spent a few more seconds with her and then let her go. Howard said that Rickie could look really good if she put some make up on and got dressed up a little bit.
Howard asked Joan about this Celebrity Family Feud thing. Joan said that she's on tonight. Joan said that she and Melissa are in the show and they play against Ice T and his family. Howard asked Joan if she brought her mother on with her. She said that she died and that was very cruel. Joan said that she plays against Raven Simone's family as well.
Howard said that he'd love a job like that where he hosts a game show. He said he told that to Al Roker when he was on the show a while back. Al is hosting the new Family Feud. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing Kathie Lee Gifford and her family on the show. He said they should have them play against Susan Johnson's family. That's the woman who Frank cheated on Kathie Lee with.
Howard said that Joan was in the newspaper today for writing about George Carlin. Joan said that she and George started out together. She said that they were all working down in the Village together and they had no idea they were going to be so big. Howard asked Joan if she got it on with any of those guys. Joan said that she didn't look so good back then and she didn't like comics, she liked actors.
Howard asked Joan about George Carlin changing his look and what she thought about that. Joan said that she thought he was ruining his career at the time but he just went to his own beat and that was it. She said that she didn't think that he was going to get on Ed Sullivan's show or anything like that but she was wrong. He did amazing after that.
Howard asked Joan about seeing George die and if it's scary to see that happen. Joan said that it's all golden time for her now and she's counting down the days. Joan said that she's at the top of her game now and she's just going forward.
Howard asked Joan who she would like to talk about her when she dies. She said that she'd like Howard and Peter Tildon to do that.
Joan told Howard that she was going to do Larry King last night but they had some other people ahead of her and she was going to go out to a dinner party. She said that she told them that if they didn't need her then she was going to pass. She figured that they didn't really need to have her answer two questions. She knew George better than Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher but those two got exclusive time on the air with Larry.
Joan talked about working with George. She said that he was so good that he took her breath away. Joan said that he was captivating and amazing at what he did. She said that Lenny Bruce is first on her list, then Richard Pryor, Dame Edna and on the same line Carlin and Robin Williams. She said that Robin is there even though people accuse him of stealing material. She thinks that he's brilliant though.
Howard asked Joan if she ever banged Lenny Bruce. Joan said that he did make a pass at her but she didn't sleep with him.
Joan also talked about the show she did over in London where she called Russell Crow a ''fucking asshole'' and ended up getting kicked off the show. They didn't have a delay on the show and they ended up escorting her out of the building. She said that two security guards came in and walked her right out of there. Joan said that she almost cried when that happened.
Howard said he had a similar incident on the Arsenio Hall show. He said that they ushered him out of there after he gave it to the FOX executives over there. He said that he had put the blame for Joan's husband's death on the execs over there and then they escorted him off during the break. Joan agreed that it was their fault. Howard said that he couldn't even believe he was in show business at that point. Howard said that he had Gary bumped up to first class on the flight home so he could talk about that but Gary ended up falling asleep on him.
Howard asked Joan about her friend Barbra Streissand and talked to her about that for a short time. Joan told some stories bout her not even knowing that she's in the business anymore.
Howard gave Joan some plugs for some stuff she's doing. She's going to be down in Atlantic City this weekend at Harrah's. She's making some other appearances around the area.
Howard asked Joan about her dog Lulu that died. He heard that she laid her hands on her as if she was some kind of healer. Joan said that she was a great dog but she lost a leg and she died of cancer. She said that she sat there with the dog asking God to please help the dog but they had to put her down the next day. Howard told her that maybe she should have just taken her to a vet. Joan was getting upset talking about the dog but she did joke about it a little bit.
Howard asked Joan if she contacted that guy James Van Prag and asked him to contact the dog in heaven. Joan said that is not true. She did try to contact her husband Edgar though. Joan said that she'd like to believe that it's true you can contact people.
Howard started to wrap up with Joan and said that she's actually invited to the wedding. He asked her who she's going to vote for. Joan said that she hates them both. She hasn't made up her mind but she will probably vote for Barack. Howard said he will probably go that way himself but he's not sure yet.
Howard said he read that Joan has made $500 million selling her jewelry on QVC. Joan said she wouldn't be selling her country house if that was true. She said that she had to buy her company back and she's been paying that off for years.
Howard asked Joan if she ever slept with a black man. She said she never had but she wished she had. Howard went through what they had learned today with Joan. He said that it must be shocking for her to be with these old guys that she's with. Joan said that you have to keep the lights low and it is kind of gross. She said that it must be gross for them to be with her too though.
Howard asked Joan if she thinks that Larry King is still able to get it up. Joan said that at this point she thinks that even Larry looks good. Howard gave her some more plugs and then wrapped up and went to break. You can get tickets for Joan's appearance at The Cutting Room at CuttingRoomNYC.com
Howard said that the laugh that Larry does is kind of fake sounding. Robin said that he was doing that the other day with Lewis Black and it seemed that he was making it up even though Lewis wasn't even being that funny.
Howard said that he's a SAG member because he made the movie Private Parts. He said he's been a member over the years and hasn't backed out of it. Gary is in SAG as well. They get these ballots to vote on stuff and he never votes himself. Gary got a pre-recorded message from Ed Asner asking him to vote a certain way. He played the clip where Asner asks the members of the union to vote no on this contract.
Howard said that Gary told him that if Ed Asner are telling him to vote, he figured he'd vote the way they suggested. Artie said he voted no too but not because of Asner's message. Artie said that Asner is right about this thing. He said he got a check for $840 for Old School and a bunch of money for Mystery Men too. He said that they're trying to get rid of residuals for new media and that's not a good thing. Artie said that people who act in the stuff on the web aren't getting paid and it's not right.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Joan really hits a home run when she's in there. Howard said that they love her.
Howard said there's a lot going on with the Booey contest. He said that they're looking for the ultimate song parody in the contest.
Howard got in some plugs for Jackie's Joke Hunt and Riley Martin's radio shows that are on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm and Midnight.
Howard asked Gary if he's into Star Wars at all. Gary said he's into it a little bit but not as much as Star Trek. He told Howard about the episode that he liked and Howard didn't even remember the episode. Gary said that was from the TOS (The Original Series) which Robin pointed out to Howard. Howard asked Gary if his family is stressed that he spends so much time with that Star Trek stuff. He said that his wife does get kind of annoyed.
Howard asked the caller, Gary, what he does for a living. He's a security guard. Howard asked him what he guards. He said that it's a government center. Howard asked him if he pretends that he's guarding the Enterprise. He said that he doesn't really do that but sometimes he will say ''Kirk to bridge'' at night when he's all alone working on the computer.
Howard said he had George Takei on the phone to talk to him about this float. It was audio clips of George and the guys in the back were jerking this guy Gary around. Gary knew it wasn't really George. He said that he's met George on a couple of occasions and he was very nice to him.
Howard said that Gary might have to come in and do his impressions for them in the studio. He was doing his Captain Kirk impression and goofing around with that.
Howard asked Gary what he does for the group out there in Indianapolis. He said that he is a commander in the group and hasn't become an admiral yet. Gary said that he's working on getting that position though. Howard asked him how far his troops would go for him.
Gary was talking about some of the group he works with and how most of them are married. The George Takei clips were still on the line and they had him laughing and goofing on this guy.
Gary (Baba Booey) said that he had some pictures from this guy's Myspace page that he had to check out. He worked on getting those to Howard while he continued to talk to Commander Gary. Howard checked out the pictures a few seconds later and said ''shame on you'' when he saw them dressed as Spock and Kirk. Artie laughed his ass off when he saw the pictures.
Howard asked if they could follow them around with a camera. Commander Gary said that would be fine. He said that they're getting their group together in Cincinnati this weekend. Howard let him go a short time later.
Steve said that they're shuffling around some of the stations there at SIRIUS and said that you can find out more at SIRIUS.com/channelchange. Howard wondered why they would do something like that. Steve didn't have an answer for that.
Howard talked about listening to the Spa channel the other day. He had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon went through his list of stuff they'd be covering today.
The wedding discussion led to Howard asking Artie if he'd be willing to do a toast at the wedding. Artie said that he was touched to hear that and he'd like to do it for him. He said that it would be a lot of pressure though. Howard said that they were going to ask maybe 2 or 3 people to say something and Artie is the man for public speaking. He suggested doing 5 or 6 minutes worth but he was just kidding.
Howard said he was thinking of asking JD to make a speech. He said that he'd have him to the wedding if he would make a speech. Artie said he couldn't follow that because it would be the funniest thing ever. Artie said he can't follow JD or Phoebe Snow.
Robin read a story about a teacher who was caught having sex with her underage students. She went through that and then Howard brought up the party that Robin threw where she had JD, Will and Jason taking people's coats. Artie thought that they only got paid in tips. JD said he thinks that Robin gave them a few bucks. JD said that some people didn't tip and Gary said that it was probably best left unsaid. Howard figured it was Mel Karmazin who didn't tip him. Gary didn't tip him either.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a country singer who is Muslim. She had Howard play some of his stuff. That led to the guys talking about how Jewel has become a country singer. Robin had some clips of Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher talking about George Carlin's death. That led to Artie talking about another great bit that George did about the differences between baseball and football. Robin had some audio of David Letterman talking about George Carlin on his show last night. She also had Jackie Mason and some others talking about Carlin.
Howard said it was odd how they weren't able to find anyone who didn't like George Carlin. All of those clips were people who liked the guy. Howard said that maybe Pat Cooper would have bad mouthed him. Artie told him he should invite anyone who wants to bad mouth the guy to come on the show. Howard said maybe he'll do that.
Robin read through some more stories about John McCai