MarksFriggin.com started logging the show in 1996 so there weren't any show rundowns from any years before that... until Howard got control of the K-Rock tapes in 2006 after moving to SIRIUS Satellite Radio. They started playing some of the older shows on Master Tape Theatre so I typed up some rundowns for those shows. Below you'll find the 1989 shows that I did manage to write up...
Howard said with all of the technology they have you're able to interact with the fans. Robin said she saw that Tone Loc advertises a line and if you're the right caller you get to talk to him. Howard said he's going to be doing that too. Howard said he's going to have about 65 different things you can do on there. He said he's totally consumed with all of that.
Howard said he stopped writing the movie but that's okay since it'll take a while to get it produced. He said that comes and goes. That's how his mind works. He said he will concentrate on one thing at a time. He's been doing that for the radio show for the past 10 years so now he'll do that with something else.
Howard said he's going to go meet with Andrew Dice Clay's director this weekend. He said Dice wants him for his movie so he's making the director meet with him. He said he will read the part for a Disc Jockey but he's not sure that's the right thing for him. He said he doesn't see it as acting. It's just him coming in and being himself.
Howard said he's doing this as a courtesy to Dice. He said he's not doing it for himself. Robin said she heard they were going to get Steven Wright to play the part. Howard did his impression of Wright for a few seconds. Howard said he heard that they were thinking of him for the part. Howard said he's not sure why they were thinking of him.
Howard was going to act out some of the lines with Robin. He was about to get into that but he asked Fred for a reel of outtakes from a recording session they did. He said Ted the Janitor kept screwing up every line they gave him. Howard said he wasn't there yesterday while that was going on. Jackie said they were having a lot of trouble getting him to read the lines. Howard said they got him to the point of being understandable but he's not sure if it's funny now. Howard said the outtakes might be funnier than the bit.
Howard got the script and read the part where he dies. Howard read the script and described the scene. He said this writer obviously got some ideas from listening to the show. Howard asked Robin how he sounded reading the lines. Robin said he sounded fine. Howard said he doesn't want to play the part as a crazy guy. He knows the director will want him to.
Howard said he's sure that they're going to find a character actor to play the part. He said Dice will tell him that it's 15 minutes on the big screen but he's not sure he wants to play this part.
Howard asked Fred to play some gun shot sounds but he wasn't coming through. He eventually told him he didn't have it. Howard said he waited until he asked for it 3 times. He said he'll never figure Fred out.
Howard read more of the lines and had to act out being electrocuted. Robin said he sounded like he was acting in that clip. It wasn't very natural. Howard said he had to play it pretty intense. Robin said it was getting there after he read it a second time.
Howard said he hates to prepare. Robin said he's going to have to do that for the movie. She said that he will have to learn the lines and then act it out like he had never done it before. He tried those lines again and he was saying ''I'm being electrocuted!'' Howard said he wouldn't even say that. He said it was like he was acting out a radio play.
Howard said he anted the director to come in and audition him there. He said it's kind of weird. He said he wouldn't say ''I'm being electrocuted.'' He said he would just be getting electrocuted. He said they didn't really write this like a movie.
Howard said Dice isn't going to say ''I'm picking up a cigarette now'' when he's picking one up. He said that's a pretty weird concept. Howard said he radio part he has no problem with. He said acting is where he might have a problem. He said they might want a more frantic type to play the part. Howard said he's not frantic like Scott Shannon is. Howard said that guy is getting into the shock jock kind of thing. Howard said they told him he's like Howard Stern without the humor.
Howard said he heard about some other DJs out in Los Angeles who are trying to be like him. He said he hears about all of these guys. Howard said it's pretty weird. Everyone is out in L.A. fighting over the big piece of pie. Howard said they're all out there because he's not out there himself.
Howard said Jay Thomas is out there with some ratings and he doesn't know what to do with himself. Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said he had a lot of stuff going on today. Gary showed up late so Howard told him he's overworked so he's going to cut back on that stuff and not overwhelm him with the phone stuff he's working on.
Gary and Howard talked about Oprah's show from the day before and how strange that was. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said the rumor is that Muni is going to be out of WNEW. He said his ratings aren't where they should be. Howard goofed on Muni for a couple of minutes doing an impression of him.
Howard said he wanted to get to the Rick Dees article and stuff like that. He said he had Angie Bowie coming in too. Howard said they can talk to her about Bowie being bi. Howard said he wants to know more about that. He said maybe she was acting as his beard. Howard said they have to talk to her about their kid Zoe too. Howard said he thinks Zoe is a cool name. He said it's cooler than some other celebrity kid names. They went to break a short time later.
Howard talked about how he used to find nudist magazines out on the street and he'd take them home and keep them in his sister's room. He spent a minute talking about that.
Howard talked about some doll they got for his kid that talks. He said that thing doesn't even work that good but it cost a lot. He said the thing will tell stories for like an hour but it cuts out and it's really just bogus. He said he'd pay 200 bucks for it if they worked the bugs out of it.
Howard said he was talking about those chicks that he used to masturbate to. He said they usually turn into old hags. He said he used to masturbate to TV shows and he did it to the Petticoat Junction scene where the woman jumps into that big water thing and comes out with her naked shoulders showing.
Howard read more of the hate mail he got and pointed out that the guy didn't spell masturbation correctly. Howard read that the guy isn't happy with his use of the word penis on the air. The guy wondered if he had some kind of fixation with those topics. Howard said he wants to call the guy in and correct his grammar.
Howard said he bets this guy is a school teacher. He said he spelled our ''are.'' Howard said he might have to read some hate mail on the phone line they're setting up.
Howard corrected the letter so he could call the guy who wrote it and tell him about what he did wrong. Howard read through more of that and goofed on the guy's bad spelling and grammar. They went to break a short time later.
Howard talked that fantasy he had about meeting Brenda in the jungle with big plates in her lips and taking her back with him on his ship. They spent a minute talking about that.
Howard talked about how Ponce had discovered Florida and went there to die. He said it's ironic that the people who go there now go there to die.
Howard said they have to fix this copy he was reading. He said the salesperson got that wrong. He said that he has to get that corrected for him.
Howard said their guest is coming in soon but he has to get to this hate mail guy. He called the number but he got the guy's answering machine. Gary told Howard that the guy actually spelled his own name wrong. Howard pointed out that Gary was the one who spelled it wrong. Gary saw that he had made a mistake.
Howard asked if the new bit is done yet. Gary said he'll go and check. Howard said he's going to get to some news then.
Robin read through some news stories and had one story about various school sex scandals that are being investigated. Robin read part of that story where it said that one of the teachers has a wife who is a student at the school.
Robin read about a guy who had rented out a school to a movie making company and they made something with some nudity in it. The guy who rented it out got into trouble for that.
Robin read a story about the captain of the Exxon Valdez turning himself in. Howard said that whole story is strange. Robin said he's being charged with a few things like operating a ship while intoxicated and things like that. Robin said he's being kept under lock and key with a million dollars bail.
Robin read through a couple more stories and Howard said he had to take a break. Howard said they have a few more things to get to after the break. He was going to go to break but he read about Roseanne Barr chasing after some guy by the name of Tom Arnold. He quickly read through that story and then went to break.
Howard and Angie talked about a song Mick Jagger wrote and Angie was thinking that he wrote it because he was in love with her husband. Howard asked why David got custody of the kids. Angie said she's not sure why but that's the way things work in Switzerland. Howard said he's an admitted bi-sexual and he got custody? He said that's surprising.
Angie said David called her an unfit mother. She said that they made it stick too. She said she had a bad attorney.
Gary said that he had Richard Lewis on the phone and he had a story to tell about Mike Tyson. Howard picked up on Richard and told him this had better not be a lame plug. Richard said it's not. He said he was at a Knick game and Mike Tyson was there. He said the announcer mentioned his name and then they mentioned Tyson's name. He said that wasn't the story though. He said he and Mike stood up and embraced with that show business hug. Richard said he thinks that Mike may have initiated the hug. Richard told Howard they were hugging and they got some applause. He said that Mike told him, whispering in his ear, that he had heard him on the radio that morning. Howard did an impression of Mike telling him that. Richard said Mike told him to never let that guy call him a dick head again. He said he told him that he never would.
Howard asked why Mike wouldn't stop by if he's a fan. Richard said he must have thought he was a wimp or something. Howard said he can imagine Richard trying to get him to come on his show. Howard said that it must have been cool hearing he was a fan. Richard said goodbye and got in one more plug before getting off the phone.
Howard got back to Angie and asked her about David and losing the kids to him. Angie talked a little bit about that. Howard went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard asked how often she gets to see her kids. She said it's supposed to be a few times a year but she hasn't seen them for four years. Howard said that's sad. Robin said that's horrible.
Howard asked if she got any money out of Bowie. She said she didn't really. She said that when they got married it was a business deal. She said that they were in a business deal so it wasn't like a regular marriage. Howard asked if he was homo in those years. She said he wasn't ''homo'' but he was bi-sexual. Howard said that he has no beef with anyone being gay, just own up to it. Howard said you don't recant something like that.
Angie told Howard that she was in love with David when she married him. Howard asked if he's getting married again. Angie said she heard he's already married.
Howard played the song ''Angie'' and said this was about Angie. Howard said that Mick is making it seem like she was depressed or something. Angie said she's sure that he didn't notice her. She said he has a huge ego and he doesn't care. Howard played more of the song and analyzed the lyrics. He didn't think it was about her. He said it makes no sense if it is. Howard said he would have sang about her being with a bi-sexual and wanting to get out of the marriage if it was about her. He made up some lyrics of his own about her and David Bowie's sham of a marriage.
Howard said David Bowie has done some amazing performances. He said some of the best albums out there are two of his. Howard said he had to take another break but he wanted Angie to stick around. They went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard came back and said they had Angie Bowie there. Howard played the song as he was introducing her. Howard asked Angie if Bowie ever got it on with Elton John. Angie said she doesn't know about that. She said she's writing a book about all of this stuff though. Angie said they had a lot of fun the first few years of the marriage. She said it didn't last long. Howard said 3 or 4 years sounds longer than he'd expect with a guy like that. Angie told Howard about how she set up the house in Switzerland and she did it in her name. That made it possible for David to sue her. Howard said that Jackie was taking notes on all of that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to the guys and then had them sing their song that they were there to perform. They did a quick song A Cappella. Howard said they were good. He said they should be able to get work doing that.
Howard asked each of the guys what they're up to and spent a couple of minutes with each one. The guys were saying that people think that homeless guys are all guys with mental disabilities and that's just not the case.
Howard asked Sukhreet if she was going to do a song with the guys. He said they can play the Sukhreet and Ted's Excellent Adventure bit too. Howard said he had to take a break but he'd play some of the behind the scenes audio of the bit. He had Ted saying ''Excellent'' in a bunch of different ways. They were having some fun listening to those clips. Howard had some audio of Sukhreet saying some of her lines too.
Howard told Sukhreet she has to lose some weight. He said that it's not good for her to be so big. She asked where Nutri-System was. Howard said she has to call them herself. Howard said Sukhreet really should lose weight. He told Angie to tell her. Angie said that she should do something so she can be around longer for people to love. Howard talked about how his parents told him he was getting too fat and told him to stop eating the crappy food he was eating. They had to go to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard got back to Angie and Sukhreet. Howard went over Angie's story again and then got to Sukhreet. She was going to perform a song and Angie said she would sing with her. Howard asked them to sing the song parody they had. He said they could sing ''My Prerogative'' if they didn't want to do the other. Sukhreet sang a little bit of ''My Prerogative'' and Howard asked Angie if this is what it was like when she met Bowie.
Howard asked Sukhreet if she could sing ''Wheezing on a Jet Plane'' for them. She said she can do that. Howard said this was the parody they wrote for her. Howard told her to put her heart into it. They performed the song after the set up some instruments. Howard said the guys should be able to handle this. Fred started her off and she performed the song with her back up guys.
Howard said he didn't think that Sukhreet had enunciated in the song. He said he couldn't understand what she was singing.
Howard had all of the singers in there give out their names. They quickly sang a goodbye song to Howard too. Sukhreet said that they should sing all of their commercials for them. That way they wouldn't be without jobs. Howard said he could have them sing the Car Cash commercial. He said he'd help them out with that.
Howard said if they were back in the slave days the backup singers would be his main guys. He joked about having to cut off one of the guy's feet and renaming him Toby. The guy said that he could name him Toe-less.
Howard spent a couple more minutes with Sukhreet and Angie and thanked the background singers for coming in. Howard said they can only dream about what could have been with them. Gary told Howard that they had a person on the phone who wanted to book the guys for a gig. Howard tried calling the number Gary had but he kept getting a weird beep on the phone. Howard said maybe John took it down. Stuttering John came in and said he did take it down. It was supposed to be a 212 number. Howard said if it was the wrong number the guy will call back. They went to break a short time later.
Howard and Angie talked about how he doesn't really believe in god but sometimes he gets a feeling there is something there. Robin said there is either one or not. Howard said he's afraid to go out and say there isn't one just in case there is. He said that he'd be afraid of Karma coming and taking away his funny if he did say that there wasn't one and there actually is.
Howard asked Angie if David Bowie would just sit in bed and come up with songs or would he pound on a piano. She said he would play with a melody for quite a while. Angie said they would have conversations and lyrics would get written. She said that he could work very quickly if he channeled his energy into it.
Howard played some of Angie's new album to hear what she's up to. He didn't even know when she was singing on this very unusual song he was playing. The album wasn't out yet.
Howard thanked Angie Bowie for coming in. Robin asked where she's living now. She said she lives in Atlanta. Howard asked if her 17 year old son can come and visit her. She said he can but she's too poor for him. She said that she was awful to her parents at this age so she's okay with that. Howard asked if she thinks that he'll ever come around. She wasn't sure about that. Howard said it's kind of sad. She said she wanted him to be very close to his father. She said that David was very close to his father.
Howard asked if Angie was ever freaked out by Bowie's paralyzed eye. She said she wasn't. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he wants to know where Burt Reynolds gets his wigs. He said he wants one of those when he goes bald.
Howard said that was a weird group of people they had in there today. He and Robin talked about Angie and David Bowie and the strange relationship they had.
Howard and Robin talked about Morton Downey Jr. and the things he's been up to. Howard said he's not sure why they keep him at channel 9. He said he got a phony PhD and that was creepy. Howard said he just doesn't get why anyone would want to be involved with the guy.
Howard said he wanted to wrap up the show with some news. He had Robin go through some more stuff. She had some news about a fish that's deadly and 100 people a year die from eating it in Japan. Robin said it's not good for us. Robin said the people who clean it have to be certified. Robin said the FDA approved it for New York. They're saying that this stuff is guaranteed not to be poisonous.
Robin read about a guy who was charged with stalking John Gotti and got probation for it. Howard said it's weird that they did that. Robin said the guy claims he wasn't trying to cause Mr. Gotti any problems. Howard said letting the guy free is like giving him a death sentence.
Robin read about Row Vs. Wade case is going to be reheard. Robin said the woman who started that case had her house shot up in Texas.
Robin read about the Yankees being shown on cable companies around the New York area. Robin said they have come to an agreement about that.
Robin read about Bill Wyman who is getting married again. His 27 year old son may marry the mother of the 19 year old his dad is dating. Howard said that's just too weird.
Robin read about Fleetwood Mac and how one of the former guitarists thinks the band is cursed. He's homeless right now. Howard said he was in the early band and that's when they weren't a big hit. Robin said that one of the guitarists died. Howard said he doesn't know that much about them. Robin said she had some tape of a guy talking about the guy who was homeless. Howard played some of that but cut it off pretty quick. He and Robin were talking about music and Gary came in to argue about musical tastes. Howard told him to get out of there. He asked why he was in there.
Howard played more of that audio that Robin asked him to play. They listened to a little more of that and Howard goofed on Gary about his arguing with him about nonsense. He said that he doesn't do that with anyone else, just him. Howard said he walked in and asked if they had seen that piece on Morton Downey and Gary didn't think that it was that bad. Howard said Downey bilked people out of their retirement funds and he's just not a good person.
Howard said Gary is hung up on Steely Dan albums. Gary said he thinks that Howard is into Poison and metal bands that are out there now. Howard said that's not pre-70s like he was saying earlier. Gary asked Howard what he's into that's cutting edge. Howard said Guns N' Roses is one. Gary said that's a throwback to the stuff Howard has always listened to. Howard asked him what they throwback too. Howard said he turned Gary on to bands. Howard said everything dates back to the 70s. He said rock has its roots in rock and roll. He said he wanted to get a point counter point going for retards.
Gary asked himself why he comes in. Howard asked how being into Guns N' Roses is being into pre-70s music. Gary said it wasn't a good analogy. Robin wanted to get out of there. Howard said he could pick up on this the next morning. Gary said Howard is always talking about being into Mountain. Howard said he talks about his childhood. Gary said Howard isn't into any new bands. Howard and Gary went back and forth arguing about that. Howard eventually told Gary to get out of there, he makes him sick.
Howard asked if Meg was at the grand opening for The Ritz that Tom made everyone go to. Gary said he did see her there. Robin wondered why they weren't asked to go. Howard asked if she's really upset about that. Robin said she would have liked to have been able to tell them no. Howard wrapped up and ended the show after that.
Howard started off the show saying it smelled like a bathroom in the studio. He also talked about how he had missed the opening theme song where they had a guy singing along to it. Robin said it sounded like Howard singing the song but when she looked over to see him, he wasn't even there.
Howard wondered if the bathroom smell was coming from his microphone. He took a whiff and asked if Maria had been pleasuring herself with the mic or something. He asked John to bring him in some water and announced that it was Robin's birthday today so he had a bunch of guests scheduled for her. He said it should be pretty exciting.
Howard told Robin the guys all chipped in and got her a gift. Howard figured that he was going to get stiffed out of some money by some of the guys on the show. He said that Gary and Fred might chip in but some of the other guys will stiff him.
Howard said that Jackie always skimps on gifts. He talked about how some of the guys will try getting decent gifts but Jackie can be kind of cheap. He said they hadn't even gotten Fred his gift yet though. He's very difficult to shop for, especially if you forget his birthday. Birthdays are always very touchy around there.
Howard said they have a whole list of things to do on the show today. They may have Sam Kinison dropping by and also a bunch of mystery guests. Gary said their guests weren't there yet but they would be spread out throughout the show.
Howard brought up Sam Kinison and that led to Robin saying that she's not sure that he's so sincere when he says he loves the show. After what he did to them, she's not so sure that he is sincere. Howard said that Sam may be coming by with Bon Jovi but he's not sure about that either.
Howard said that today is the day for Jessica Hahn meets Mr. Ed. He said he spent his whole day working on that yesterday. He took a call a short time later. The caller said that what Howard is doing for Regis' son is really cool and he should keep it up.
Howard had a caller on the line who asked if he really needs to hang out with John Bon Jovi again. Howard said it doesn't matter to him. He pointed out that the band's fan base seems to be dropping off from what he's been reading. The caller also asked if Dice and Sam Kinison get along. Howard said that he thinks Sam has a problem with Dice but he's not sure if Dice has a problem with him.
Howard read some quotes from John Bon Jovi where he was talking about how they're the hardest working band around. Howard was doing an impression of John talking about all of that stuff and goofing on him for a few minutes.
Robin said it was a Sony mini-component system and she was shocked that they got it for her. The guys were saying that they should all throw in a few bucks each to pay for it. Jackie said they should throw in the money in front of her so she knows how much it cost. Howard said he had another gift for her and Fred played some clips of him unzipping his pants and something popping out for her.
Robin said that her birthdays are usually such a disappointment but this one was very nice. Howard joked that they had used some of the telethon money to buy her gift.
Howard said they had a mystery guest there for Robin's birthday. He said the guy is pretty famous and his voice is pretty distinctive so they have to have him disguise his voice for her. Gary and Howard ended up talking about the way they run the office there and how Gary should be able to come up with some better ways to run things there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard told Gary to bring in the mystery guest. He said he's pretty sure that Robin is going to like to see this person. Robin put on her blindfold and waited for the guest to come in. Gary brought the guy in and Howard said it was nice to see him and it was an honor to have him on. The guy was disguising his voice so Robin wouldn't be able to guess right away.
Robin asked the guy if he was in show business but when he spoke again, she knew who it was. It was Darren the Foot Licker. Howard said the guy had kind of grown his hair out like his so he looked kind of odd. Howard said that he's going to cut all of his off if that's the way he's going to look. Howard told Gary to bring in Darren's latest letter that he wrote to Robin.
Howard said that he could see Darren with a ponytail instead of the long hair. Jackie thought he looked better with the long hair though. Robin said that maybe he can date Darren instead then. Howard said that Darren is in love with Robin and he would be willing to lick her feet for her whole newscast if they asked him to. Robin didn't sound so thrilled about that though.
Howard asked if Darren has been working out. Darren said he hadn't been in the gym lately. Howard told him he might want to get rid of the glasses he wears and maybe get rid of the long hair. Howard pulled out the letter he got from Darren and asked him why he doesn't speak in person like he does when he writes these letters. Darren said that he's writing the letter to Robin and not to the whole audience so that's why he doesn't talk like that.
Howard asked Darren to read his letter out loud but he didn't want to do it. Howard started to read it instead. Darren wrote in to tell Robin how much he's in love with her. Howard said that he's in love with Robin's radio personality, he can't know the real person.
Darren said he thinks he knows the real Robin but she said there's no way he could because he only knows her from radio. Howard told Darren that he should have combed his hair this morning. Darren said Gary dragged him in before he could. Howard said the hair looks like black sour kraut. Darren asked Howard what happened to his hair, it looked kind of similar.
Howard asked Robin how long Darren has been after her. She said it has to be about 2 years now. Howard said that he's almost like a stalker because he makes him nervous with his behavior. He asked Darren if he would ever go out and do something like shooting a President for Robin. Howard said Darren really is trying to win Robin over by putting on some weight and growing out his hair. He thinks that he's really in love with her. Darren said that the last year and a half has been one big joke.
Robin asked Darren how he thinks he can know the real her if he's never seen her outside of the studio. Darren said that he's in love with her stubbornness. He seemed to be getting upset and said that this is important to him and Robin doesn't know how it feels. He said that it's fine if they want to laugh at him but that's why he doesn't give up. Howard didn't understand what he meant by that. Darren said that if she doesn't want to spend time with him or get to know him, he can't imagine why. He said that she doesn't even know him.
Howard told Darren that she's a real woman who has a period and gets cramps and stuff. He doesn't know what he's in for. Howard wanted him to read his letter to Robin but Darren refused to do it. Howard read more of the creepy letter that Darren wrote to Robin and even Darren said that he didn't want to read it because of what he said to her in the letter.
Howard was trying to help Darren out by giving him some advice but Darren didn't seem to be taking it very well. Howard told him to go out and get a girl and leave Robin alone. He told him he's a mental case and Robin already has a man, she doesn't want him. Howard said the guy that's with Robin is a guy who has been with a lot of women and he's a super stud so there's no way she's going to go for him.
Howard figured that he had upset Darren when he stopped talking. Darren asked Robin if he wanted him to leave now. Robin said she's fine if he stays there because she didn't want to upset him. Darren asked Howard why he thinks he came down there. He said he just wanted to wish Robin a happy birthday. He said he wished her a happy birthday in the letter he wrote. Howard confirmed that and said he wrote ''Happy birthday sweetheart.''
Howard told Darren he could chip in a few bucks for Robin's birthday gift if he wanted, he was trying to find as many people to chip in as possible. Darren was getting upset and said he just wanted to joke around and have a good time. Howard told him that's because he's too sensitive. He asked if Darren has been masturbating to Robin's picture. Darren said he doesn't have any pictures of Robin so he can't do that. He complained that Howard had never sent him a picture of her.
Howard asked how much Darren would pay for a picture of Robin's feet. Darren was pissed at Howard for making this one big joke. Howard told him that this wasn't a very happy birthday for Robin with him getting so upset. Darren then told Robin how much he cares about her and that he gets upset when he hears her bad mouthing him on the show.
Darren got upset when Robin said some things to him about the way he thinks about her. He sounded like he was ready to kill her when he spoke to her. Howard said that this was like their first fight. Robin told Darren to never go to bed angry. Gary told Howard that they had their next guest there. Darren knew that meant he was going to get kicked out of there. Darren quickly came around and started smiling again. Howard said he's got some wild mood swings.
Howard brought up the date that he set up with Darren and Celeste and that led to Darren telling him to take her and shove her up his ass. He almost walked out so Howard had to talk him down and tell him to get back in there. He said he can be as mad at him as he wants but it wasn't his idea to have him down there. Howard said that maybe some day Darren and Robin would be able to go on a date.
Robin told Darren that he is a very nice young man with a lot of potential. Darren said that meant a lot to him and started to break down as he was talking to her. He said that she never gets to see the good side of him when he's smiling and happy. Robin told him that he was getting very upset about nothing. He got even more upset when he heard that. Robin told Darren that she wants to see him happy but that has to be without her.
Howard told Darren that he looks much better than when they first met him and he should keep working out and all of that stuff. He let Darren go a short time later. He said he thinks that Darren really looks great. He wasn't quite gone yet so Howard told him to go out and sit down for a while.
The guys spent a short time talking about how Darren was going on those wild mood swings and it happened at least 5 times. Gary came in and told Howard that they had their next mystery guest and also another guest who had just shown up unannounced. He said he's not sure how this guest even got in there.
Howard said he can't believe that they don't have TV cameras in there and doesn't know why people don't want to put him on TV. All of this crazy stuff would be great on a TV show.
Howard went through some phone calls and asked the fans what they thought about what was going on. One woman didn't know that she was on the air so he hung up on her. A guy said that was pretty crazy in there when Darren was getting pissed. Howard thanked him for the call and said they had to take a break.
Robin put on her blindfold again and had the guest brought in a short time later. Howard said it was an honor to have the guy come in. Robin asked the guy a few questions and tried to figure out who this guest was. Howard told her that it might not be someone that she'd want to meet. Howard broke the news to her that it was Arthur Gold who just came in to with her a Happy Birthday. Howard said Arthur runs a store and he wanted to come in before going to work. Howard said they called him on short notice and he was able to come in. He brought his wife in with him and Howard thought she was very cute.
Howard spoke to Arthur and his wife for a short time. He told Robin that he tried to bring in all of the big names this morning, Darren and Arthur Gold. Arthur had brought in a gift for Robin so Howard was going to open it up for her since she was in her booth and unable to get the gift. Howard opened it up and found that it was a digital clock radio. Howard said it was state of the art stuff from Arthur Gold. Howard wondered what it was that kept Arthur's wife with him, a big penis or money. She must have given the signal that it was his penis because that's the way Howard took it.
Howard said he heard that Joe is stealing the show while he's out on tour with Ringo. He's been performing Desperado on piano at the shows. Joe told Robin he's got some gifts for her that he'll give her after the show. He told her that she can put on her blindfold and try to guess who he is.
Joe was telling Howard about what's been going on with the tour he's out on with Ringo. Howard thanked Joe for coming in and sounded like he was wrapping up but Joe said he wanted to hang out in there if he could. Howard asked Joe what kind of car he owns. Joe told him about his 1965 Corvette Stingray Fastback that he hardly ever drives. He said he's afraid to drive it and he's hardly ever home anyway.
Howard said that Joe probably has a newer car that he actually drives. Joe said he did have a car that he leased. He said he's hardly ever home and doesn't drive that much either. He would drive that car when he wanted to go out and not be recognized.
Howard asked Joe to perform some stuff for them but they just had a lame little keyboard for him to play. Joe said he couldn't do it right then, he'd have to wait until the next segment. He did perform a little bit of some Who stuff but didn't do all that much. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Pat told Howard about how he doesn't talk to his kids after Howard mentioned the Regis Philbin's son story. Pat said that he supported his kids for 21 years and they were fine with that until they turned 21 and he stopped. Then it was a problem. Pat said his mother just wanted to know where his money was and didn't care about him. He complained about that and told Howard that he shouldn't be so worried about the way his mother treated him.
Pat got into his stories about his mother and how he thought that all she wanted from him was money. He said that his father died about a year ago and he left about $300,000 behind. Pat said that he signed away his rights to that money so they all took their shares and moved on with their lives. Pat said that his father wasn't a wealthy man, he just saved his quarters and dimes and put them into the bank until he had that three hundred grand.
Pat said that his daughter got married about a year ago and she didn't invite him to the wedding, she just left him a pineapple from the wedding. He said that takes a lot of gall. He also said that he was felling the love coming from Howard's mother yesterday when she was on the show. He continued to go off on his family for a few minutes.
Howard and Pat talked about Regis' son a little more and Pat was saying that he thinks that Regis' wife probably wanted to keep the kid, not Regis. He said that some people use those kids to make money. He went off on them and got crazy over a bunch of other things. He had Howard laughing quite a bit.
Howard said he can't imagine what went wrong with Pat and his kids, he seems like a great father. Pat said he would like to talk to his kids on the show and find out what they think. He said he doesn't need those kids and there's such a thing as ''good bye'' and he can say that if he doesn't want anything to do with them. Howard let Pat go off on them for a couple of minutes and then said they had to go to break.
Howard said that Joe Walsh wanted to come back in to play some stuff for them so he told the guys to bring him back in. Joe came in a short time later so Howard introduced him to Pat. Howard said that Joe is on tour with Ringo and wanted to give some tour dates. He mentioned that they were going to be at Jones Beach that night. That led to them talking about how Joe and the rest of the band have a private plane they take when they're flying to their gigs. Joe said they fly on a prop-jet.
Howard got back to Joe and asked him to please perform some ''Desperado'' for them on the Casio keyboard they had in the studio. Joe said he'd see what he could do but they didn't give him much to work with. Joe said he was going to sing the last half of the song and he mixed it up a bit for them. He went into the song a short time later.
Howard thanked Joe for the performance and said that he had brought in a cool tape with him. He said that there are some celebrities on this tape who are losing their minds. Joe said he couldn't really play that one on the air. He said he's not sure where it came from and he's not sure if it's legal to play. Gary said that they were editing down some of those clips so they can play them on the air. He said the Barry White clip is the best of the bunch.
Joe said that he brought in a CD of a band he produced down in New Zealand but he said Howard didn't have to play it today if he didn't want to. Howard said they were going to take a break and then try to track down Pat's kids to get them on the phone. Pat ended up going off on his kids again saying that all they want is money. He said he hasn't seen his son in years and the last time he saw him was when he needed two grand for a carburetor. He said his son looked at him like it wasn't enough money at the time and he didn't appreciate that.
Howard tried to calm Pat down a little bit. Pat said he was angry because when someone turns your kids against you, it's horrible. Howard said he was going to take a break. He played Robin a birthday wish from Dennis Miller and she figured they taped it about 3 years ago since he doesn't even do the show these days. They went to break a short time later.
Howard told Pat that maybe he should do his act and talk about Cheryl Ladd. Pat said he doesn't hate anyone and doesn't want to bad mouth people in his act so he doesn't want to do that stuff.
Howard told Joe that he seemed to be a whole different guy when he doesn't drink. He was really mellow this morning. Joe said that he was going to try to find Carlos Santana to bring him in there. He headed out so Howard spent some time talking to Pat about working with Cheryl Ladd.
Pat told Howard how he was hired to do an episode of Charlie's Angels show and he was playing the part of a producer on the show. He was working with the women on the show, Jacklyn Smith, Tanya Roberts and Cheryl Ladd. He said they were all very nice to him when he introduced it. He said that his first scene was with Cheryl and he was supposed to go off on her according to the script. He was yelling at her and did the scene the way he was told to do it. Cheryl called for them to cut and went over to the director and told him that she was annoyed that he was stealing the scene from her.
Pat said he did what he was supposed to do and she kept calling cut while they were filming. She ended up walking off the set because she was so annoyed with him. He said he wasn't trying to upstage her, he was just doing his job. He claims that he wouldn't know how to upstage her.
Pat said they eventually got Cheryl back on set but this time he cut the scene when she didn't do something right. He was that if they were going to cut scenes, he was going to do one for her since she had cut some for him. Pat told the director that this was terrible and they could get rid of him if they wanted to give it to someone else. He said he apologized to Jacklyn Smith who was just whistling while she was breathing. He said that Tanya Roberts was egging him on to go for it even more while he was talking to these people.
Howard said that Cheryl Ladd lucked out with that part and there are hundreds of other woman who could have played that part. Gary came in at that point and said they had Pat's son on the phone.
Howard picked up the phone and Pat's son Mike was there. Pat told him to say what he wanted to and he just wanted him to be honest.
Howard asked Mike about the last time they saw each other. Mike said he's 32 years old now and it was probably even longer ago than his father thinks it was. He said that it was at least 10 years ago. He's not sure what went wrong there. He doesn't know what he had to do with the divorce and why he stopped talking to him. Pat interrupted and asked him if he asked his mother why she thinks he's so bad. He said that he should have asked why she was putting him in the toilet. He said his mother should have taught them a little better how to treat people.
Pat said that the judge told him how much money he had to send to them and that's what he did. He didn't send any more or any less. Mike said that when he turned 15 or 16 years old he had to try and get to know his father. He still doesn't know him after 32 years. He said he knows his dad about as well as he knows Howard. Mike said he wanted to get something from his father, anything from him. He said he doesn't want any of his father's money and he hasn't needed it for a long time now. He said he's been independent for about 15 years now.
Mike said he may have asked his father for things when he was younger but that's what kids do. Pat said it wasn't all about the money. The two of them went back and forth talking about what went on in their lives. Howard thought that Mike was trying to reach out to his father. Mike said he doesn't dislike his father, but he doesn't know him either. Howard told Mike that his father is a lot of fun and he could hang out with him and have a lot of fun.
Mike said that things that mattered to him as a child don't matter to him now. He said he would like to spend time with his father now but he's not sure if his father knows what he missed out on when he was young. Pat said he wants to know what he has done that they treat him like a second class citizen.
Pat eventually said that he loves his son but he doesn't like him. Mike said that he had never heard that before and Pat told him he may never hear it again. Pat said that Mike thought he had him on the hook and tried to point out that he had never heard that before but that's why he said he may never hear it again. Pat continued to go off on his son about what he was saying about him but Mike tried to defend himself by telling Pat that he had to defend his mother over the years. Pat said that his mother never told him to defend his father but his father always told him to defend his mother.
Howard said this is all terrible because he loves Pat and hates to hear this stuff. Pat said that he may have to get together with his son to talk about this stuff in person. Joe Walsh told Mike that maybe he should take his father to Disneyland or something.
Howard told Pat that maybe they shouldn't get together. Maybe they could let bygones be bygones but he's not so sure. Mike said that he's tried to do that before but he eventually has to give up because it becomes so hard to keep trying. Joe Walsh gave Pat a hug and Howard said that he may have lifted Pat's wallet. Pat figured it was enough of that nonsense and they should move on. Pat said he does care about his family, otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up.
Mike said that he's been working at the same place for 10 years and his father knows where he's at if he wants to get together for lunch one day. Pat said he might just do that. He didn't know exactly where he was working but did know the general area.
Pat asked where Santana was because he wanted to move along with this stuff. Howard said that if Cheryl Ladd called in, then they'd have something. That led to Pat getting back to that story. He said that he was the one who ended up with the bad rap of being hard to work with when it was really Cheryl Ladd. He said that lost him a job on The Love Boat back then. Howard said he's going to make sure he doesn't speak to any of those women from now on.
Howard said they will have some news stories when they come back and also have Mega Man come in. Stuttering John also had a song to perform for Robin so they'd get to all of that after taking a break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he had Pat's daughter on the phone and he wanted to get to her. He mentioned that they have Kreskin on the other phone line. Sam Kinison never showed up so Howard figured that maybe Pat scared him off. Howard picked up on Kreskin and let him say a few words to Robin. Kreskin said he just wanted to wish Robin a happy birthday and got off the phone quickly.
Howard got Pat's daughter on the phone after that. Pat hadn't spoken to her in 12 years. She got on and asked him what he had to say to her after that time. Pat had nothing to say but told her she could say what she wants. She said that he makes demeaning comments about her profession in his act and she doesn't appreciate that. She said it's a disgrace to use his family to make money. Pat said that he did everything he was supposed to do for his family, legally, and that's all he had to do.
Pat's daughter Luann said she had to pay for her own education and complained about that. Pat told her that she's supposed to do that. Luann told him that he ridicules her profession but he said that he's doing comedy and it's not personal. She asked Pat when the last time was that he saw his mother. Pat and Luann went back and forth about the way they think they should treat family. Pat said he never did anything bad to his kid, he never hit them or beat them. Luann complained that he only gave them $65 a week when they were growing up. Pat said that's what the court told him to pay so that's what he was paying.
Pat told Luann that she should be ashamed of herself with this nonsense. He went off on her for a short time and told her that he owes her nothing. Luann said that he has a responsibility as a father and he seems to forget that. She called her a con-artist and said she should be ashamed of herself.
Pat told Luann that he didn't care if he had any grandchildren even though he wasn't sure if he had any or not. Pat said that if she does have kids, maybe she should tell them that he was a great person. She said that her kids would call her a liar if she did that.
Pat went off on his daughter again saying that she's just a ''taker'' and that's it. Luann continued to go off on him but Pat said that she was all about ''me, me, me'' and what he gave her or didn't give to her. Luann said this has been going on for her whole life. She said that her father left her in the hospital when she was just 2 years old. Pat let out a ''Whooohoooww'' and asked her who told her that. She didn't answer him so the two of them were talking over each other for a little while until Howard called an end to it all.
Howard let Luann go and spent a little more time talking to Pat about his family. Joe Walsh had to get going at that point because he had some gigs to get to. He gave him some plugs and let him go.
Howard told Pat that he was emotionally drained after all of this stuff. Pat continued to go off on his family and told Howard about how he paid the bills that he had to pay when he was told by the courts to pay. He pointed out how his daughter was all about herself and complaining about what he didn't do for her. She never said anything about her brother and what he didn't get, it was all about her.
Gary interrupted and told Howard that Pat's mother was on the phone. Howard asked Pat if he wanted to talk to her so Pat told him to put her on. Howard told the guys to hang on while they spoke to Pat's mother. She got on the line and said that Pat is a wreck and a mess. Howard told Mrs. Caputo that it was a pleasure to speak to her but he wanted to bring the family back together. She said that he never quits and doesn't give up on anything. She said that everyone hates the truth and that's what his problem is.
Mrs. Caputo said that Pat thinks that money is important but it's not. Pat said he never said he thought it was important. He remained oddly calm while trying to explain to Howard what he thought about his mother but he started to get riled up the more he spoke.
Pat said that he has nothing to hide and he's not ashamed of anything he's done. He started going off on his mother about the way he's been treated by his family. He tried to help his family out but they didn't appreciate it. Pat eventually started yelling at his mother and that's when he found out that she was upset that she even had him as a son. He figured she wanted the money she spent raising him so he asked her how much she wanted.
Pat said that his mother could never stand any man... or any person with pants on. All she loved was her daughters. She said that Pat was the trouble maker but he said that she was the trouble maker. Pat told Howard that this is the greatest thing to have happened to him because he's had this stuff on his mind for years and it's been eating him up inside. Pat said he thanks his family for calling.
Pat asked his family if they got their three hundred thousand and pointed out that they never even visited the grave of the man who left them that money. He said that they're all money hungry people and they'll never admit it.
Howard asked Darren the Foot Licker if he wanted to say anything to Robin. He said that this is the way he wanted to wish Robin a Happy Birthday, not like Howard was doing it earlier. Howard told Darren that Robin may never love him but Darren said that it might change some day. Robin said that's true and you never know what could happen.
Darren asked to give Robin a kiss for her birthday but Robin wasn't going to allow that to happen. Howard got back to Mega Man and spent a couple of minutes talking about the stuff he was going to be doing. Mega Man said he's going to try and water ski and also roll around the city in his wheelchair. Howard said that maybe Darren would be willing to take on Darren as his team mate if he wanted.
Mark Coppola came in to do his shift there so Howard introduced Pat to him. He wrapped up with everyone else and ended the show a short time later, around 10:35am (Master Tape Theatre time)
Howard started off the show doing his morning zoo deejay impression talking about ''the weekend baby.'' He and Robin had some fun goofing on those types of morning guys for a short time. Howard moved on to talk about his left eye bothering him and how he thought it might be cancer or something. He then said that they'd be doing a Dial-A-Date and playing some Stuttering John clips. He said they'd also be contacting Elvis.
Howard said that he had been reading a book about Johnny Carson that was pretty interesting. He told Robin about some of the things he read in the book. Gary had also read some of the book and got in on the conversation. Howard said that the book was worth a read and all of the stuff that Carson did on The Tonight Show was scripted, even the ad-libs that were supposedly off the cuff.
Howard said it was really weird to read about some of the stuff that went on with Carson taking over the tonight show. Merv Griffin was second in line for that show and Howard thinks that he would have been just as successful as Carson was. The book was ''King of the Night: The Life of Johnny Carson.''
Howard and the guys talked about the pictures in the book and how they came from a guy who turned on Johnny after getting screwed over. The author was able to get the interviews for the book from other people that Johnny screwed over according to Howard.
Howard also brought up how older people seem to talk less than younger ones. He said his father used to talk a lot more than he does now. He said his father used to do whole radio shows for his guests when he'd entertain. That led to Howard talking about how he spends time talking to Gary every night before the show to prepare for it. He said he kind of zones out once in a while though. Gary said that Howard will be yessing him and all of a sudden he'll notice that Oprah is on and point that out to him. Howard had to take his first break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about a bit he did in Washington DC where he got into some trouble for something he said about the 14th Street Bridge airplane crash. Howard said he wasn't joking around when he made that call back then, he was being serious when he asked the airline if they were going to sell him a one way ticket to the bridge. He said no one thought it was out of line at the time, everyone thought he was fired over that incident but that wasn't the reason.
The caller Howard had on the line told Howard that the signal down in Washington was awful. Howard said he's spoken to the manager down there and he doesn't like that he complains about that signal. He said that's probably the reason his ratings weren't higher than they were.
Howard took another call from a guy who did his Mr. Magoo impression which led to Howard talking about Billy West and how he was auditioning for the part of a Mr. Magoo remake that was being worked on. He said Billy hadn't head back about the audition yet.
Howard talked about how MTV needed some work with their hosts. He said the graphics and videos were fine but some of the other stuff they do on that channel were kind of lame. Howard said they were running some local commercials on that channel which made MTV seem really lame. Howard said that Jackie's wife Nancy was in one commercial and he wasn't even sure what it was all about. Jackie said he didn't even know what the commercial was for. Jackie said it was for some loan company or something. Even Jackie wasn't exactly sure what it was for.
Gary talked about one show they were doing on MTV with a couple of the VJs over there. He said the show was really lame. They also talked about some of the good looking VJs over there. Gary mentioned one girl who was hot for Howard. Howard said he had to move on to some other things after taking a break.
Howard booted Scott out after he fixed the echo and then went into his Elvis impression. Robin told Elvis that he sounds young. Elvis said that he was very upset about that idiot who was messing with the echo chamber. He went on to tell Robin about how he likes Cajun food because it's blackened... just like Priscilla likes her men. Elvis also talked about his mother and how much he loved that lump on the back of her neck.
Elvis also said that they have a nickname for his mama... Pig. He talked about his baby brother that died before he was born and how he's up in heaven with him. Elvis asked Jackie to hook him up with some drugs and rattled off a list of drugs that he needed.
Elvis said he wanted to stop all of the nonsense about how he died after a drug overdose and banging his head on a toilet. He said he was just getting a drink of water when he hit his head. He also had a song that he had written to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme. It was about this woman who was lost at sea and had to drink her own pee.
Elvis and Robin talked about his family and what's going on with them. Elvis had a bunch of jokes about that woman who was stuck on the boat and had to drink her pee. He had a ton of those jokes to tell. Not too long after that they lost Elvis and Howard came back and then went to commercial break.
After a couple of minutes of that Howard had Robin do some news reports. Robin read a news story about Louis Palonia which led to Howard taking a call from Louis (Fred) who was talking about the story that Robin had read. Howard spent just a short time with that bit before having Robin get to more news stories. After reading a bunch of stories Howard took another break.
Howard had Jed in and everyone laughed when they saw the way he looked. Howard said ''Jm J Bullock move over...'' Howard asked Jed if that's a gay look or what. Jed said that he's not gay, he just woke up looking like that. Howard asked Robin if that was the gayest thing she's ever seen. Howard described Jed a little bit and goofed on him.
Jed said he's impressed that Howard can do his show being himself. Howard asked him if his hair was really long or something. Jed let his hair down and he looked more normal according to Howard. Howard asked whose idea it was to bring him in there.
Howard talked to Jed about the ratings out in L.A. and why they don't put his show on at the right time. He was goofing on Jed's voice which sounded like Jack Nicholson on ludes according to him. He asked Jed how he got the job at the radio station that he had. Jed told him how he did an internship and got the evening shift after that. He's been waiting for a full time job since then.
Howard found out that Jed's real name was Edwin Fish Gould III... So he uses his real Fish name. Howard wrapped up with Jed a short time later and let him go. Howard asked him to please not touch him when he asked to shake his hand. Jed also said that he was in town for a The Cure concert that was taking place at a stadium. Howard said he hopes that he'd be the morning man out there in L.A. Sometime soon. After Jed mentioned Mel's (Karmazin) name, Howard told him it was time for him to leave as if he wasn't supposed to mention that name on the air.
Howard and the guys goofed on Jed a little bit after he left because of the goofy hair he had. They also goofed on him for liking The Cure and over that strange voice he has. Gary told Howard that Jed showed up in a stretch limo which surprised Howard.
Gary told Howard that 'Gina Man wasn't going to be showing up because he was in the hospital. He was ''backed up'' and has scar tissue in his urinary tract so he was in the hospital over that. Howard said he guesses that he can let him off if he's in that bad condition. They had to take another commercial break after that.
Howard moved on to play some clips of some interviews that Stuttering John did. He was at a Ron Delzner press conference and questioned him about a bunch of goofy things. Ron answered the questions very seriously and didn't seem to want to joke around. John also asked Henry Stern, the New York parks commissioner, some questions. After he asked those questions John said that he hates his job.
Howard said that John created a bit about how they hire the handicapped so he played that. In the bit they say that John is their handicapped employee of the month. Howard took another break after that.
Howard said he was reading the Johnny Carson book and started to feel guilty about not spending more time with his own kids so that's when he got down on the floor and played with Debra. He said it was a typical night for him. He was trying to watch Entertainment Tonight and read that book.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he's been listening for 3 years and wondered who he thinks his best guest was. Howard said it was Pat Cooper and Sam Kinison. Another caller told Howard that his show is really boring because he does the same stuff over and over again every day.
The caller told Howard that he should try to be more creative. Howard hung up on the guy and said that if he doesn't like it then he should turn it off. He said he can't please anyone. He created a couple of new bits after people told him he wasn't coming up with enough and still people complain. Howard called the guy a dick and said he hates guys like that.
Howard said he's not going to create any more bits after that phone call. He said he's going to play music instead. He said that maybe they should listen to the Zookeeper in Philly to see what he's doing. He played some bits off of his album and said he's not afraid to play them because they're so bad. The bit he played was painfully boring and unfunny. Howard said the guy had some delivery and he reminded him of A. Whitney Brown from Saturday Night Live. Howard also pointed out that this was ''the best'' of the Zookeeper's bits.
Howard wondered how people stayed tuned to those lame bits. He said that the guy should have put some effort into the bit because it was really horrible. He had to take another commercial break after that.
Howard played some other awful bits from the album and goofed on them. There was one bit with a backwards message in it so Howard pretended to figure it out and said it was the guy saying ''I lost my wig.''
Howard had Robin try to perform the song parody to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme song that they were trying out earlier. Robin sang it but Howard didn't seem to think it was all that much better than what he did. Gary thought that might have been the worst musical performance on the show in a while and she might win an F-Emmy for that.
Howard was messing around with his board and found a strange signal coming through from a radio station or something. He spent a short time listening to that and pretending to fall asleep while listening to it. Edgar Winter was being interviewed on the feed and he got really bored by it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told Howard to put out an album of his own because he's got some great bits to put on it. Howard said he couldn't imagine doing that with the bits that he does on the show. He's not into that Zookeeper type of stuff. The caller said he taped the Woodstock Minute bit that Howard did and played it for some friends of his who loved it.
Howard hung up on the guy a short time later and then asked Fred to perform that song parody that Robin had attempted a short time before. Fred sang the song and ended up screwing it up just like Howard and Robin did. He said he was trying to run his sound effects at the same time though so it wasn't so easy. Howard said that was Fred's real voice and they had never heard that before. He was actually Fred doing Fred and not doing some other voice. They had to go to break after that.
Howard sang a new song parody to the tune of the Gilligan's Island theme. This time it was about Fred but it didn't go through the whole song. He went through a couple minutes of that and then moved on to some audio clips from the Larry King Show with Jessica Hahn.
Howard played some of Jessica's interview with Larry and goofed on her about not just answering the questions. He said that Jessica has way too much going on in her head. He said she goes into every single detail about her relationship with Sam Kinison instead of just telling Larry she doesn't like the guy. Jessica said that Sam was useless to her and she was done with him.
Howard seemed to think that Jessica was digging everything that was going on with Sam, she just didn't want to admit it. He said he could probably whip Jessica into shape but she won't listen to him. He talked to his agent about her but she wanted to do everything on her own. Howard had to take a break in the middle of the Jessica tapes. He said he'd get back to them after the break.
Howard got back to the Larry King interview with Jessica Hahn clips he started playing before the break. Howard ran out of clips to play after a short time and ended up going off on Gary about not pulling all of the clips he wanted him to pull. Gary thought he had pulled everything that Howard wanted him to but Howard insisted he asked for more.
Gary said he was pretty sure he didn't screw up but Howard said he did. Howard said that Jessica said that she loves him at one point but Gary didn't pull that. Gary said he would bring in the tape the next week if he wanted him to pull those clips.
Howard read an article about Jessica and how she wanted to have a baby. Howard said he was thinking of having him, Fred, Jackie, Gary and John all donate their sperm so they could inject her with all of their greatest traits. He read more of the article where Jessica talked about how she would like to find a man and have that baby. She set a deadline of 1990 for having a baby and if she didn't, she would get artificially inseminated.
In the article Jessica went off on Sam Kinison for not paying her for doing his video and then just disappearing from her life. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard went on to play ''One Question and One Question Only.'' He took a call from a guy who asked if they're trying to track down Denny Terrio. Howard said that Gary did track him down and they found out he's still alive. He had Gary come back into the studio to ask him about that. He took another call in the mean time. A caller asked Howard to pass his number along to Jessica Hahn for him. That led to Howard talking about how some woman had asked him to pass a note to Pat Cooper because she was willing to get a hug and a cuddle from him. A woman called in and asked who is more ticklish, Howard or Jessica. Howard wasn't able to answer that one so the woman hung up.
Howard said he was thinking of hiring a court stenographer to write down everything they say so they could have a transcripts of the show. He wasn't sure how those stenographers do that stuff with that little machine they type on. He said they get every word and even accents in their reports. Howard asked Fred if he knows how that works. Fred said all he knows is that it takes a long time to learn that machine. Howard said he was tempted to call one but he'd wait until the week after.
Gary came in and said that they had a woman on the phone who went to school to become a court stenographer. She told Howard that there were like 16 keys on the machine and you do it in a combination that will spell out words. Howard said that has to be impossible. She said that she hated the class she went to and would cut out of it all the time. She said she was only 18 years old at the time so she wasn't into it. Howard asked her what they pay for a good court stenographer. She said it was probably over $50,000 so Howard figured that wouldn't work. She also said that you have to have someone who can read stenographer notes to type them out.
Howard said there's no way Tom (Chiusano) would spring for that. He said he only wants the person to write about what he and Robin say, not what everyone else is saying. The woman said the classes were tough for her and she just took the class to kill some time.
Howard said it would be cool if they had a transcript of the show each day. He thought it would be really cool. The caller said that she could type up the show as it went along. Howard wanted to test her out by having her type up one show and send it in. He didn't want her taping it and sending it in though. She said that she could do that but she has friends who might be better than her.
The woman knew Gary after he met her one time. Gary remembered who she was and said she was kind of attractive but he didn't try to sleep with her or anything like that. Howard let the woman go after that.
Howard talked about the Oprah Winfrey show he had watched the day before and how strange the subject matter was. He said that Oprah was crying over what was being discussed during the show. Howard also mentioned that he got $536 for doing an appearance on David Letterman's show and he gets like $300 or so for the reruns as well. He said he made like over $4,000 for his Letterman appearances the year before.
Howard asked Gary if deejay Meg Griffin was there because he wanted to play her some tape. Meg came in a short time later. Howard told her that she seems to be much less uptight and much softer. He also said he liked the red that she put in her hair. She said she was trying to get it back to her natural color which was more like Howard's color.
Howard told Meg she seems much sexier and she was more of a woman than she was in the past. He told her she should start to grow her nails out. He said she was kind of flipping out when she saw his wife and her friends stop in a few weeks before. She doesn't get all dressed up like they were.
Howard eventually scared Meg off and she was about to walk out on him. He told her how hot he thought she was. He said he would have loved to have had a girl that cute when he was in high school. Meg said that Howard was much different when they first met and worked together at another radio station (WRNW). Howard said Meg got mad at him after she left that station and he stuck around.
Howard wanted to know what attracted Meg to her man. She said they just hit it off and things worked out for them. Howard told her to relax because she was kind of getting upset with the line of questioning.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Meg before wrapping up the show. The show was over by 10:00am (on 10/20/06, the show may have gone longer back in 1989)
Howard started the show talking about how he was trying to make phony phone calls to Richard Belzer's radio show last night. He said that he tried calling before the show started but he kept getting disconnected. Howard said you get a phone message when you get disconnected so you have to pay for it. Howard said he might have a 3 million dollar phone bill after all of the calls. Howard said he feels like he should answer phone calls all day because of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he calls the show a lot but he's calling on his work phone. Howard said he called from home so that's the mistake he made. The caller had sent in a news story to Robin about a guy who was arrested in a diaper. He was going up to kids at bus stops and asking them questions and then taking off.
Howard talked to the caller about that and said that some people wear those adult diapers and don't go to the bathroom. He said he thinks that Jerry Seinfeld does a bit about that in his stand-up special. He said there are some people who just don't want to go to the bathroom so they wear the diapers and go in them.
The caller mentioned Richard Belzer and that led to Howard talking about him some more. Howard let the caller go and said that Belzer has been getting some good reviews. Howard and Robin talked about how wacky the country is with curse words and how they're trying to get this weird morality thing going. He said they're so against the curse words. They did a quick commercial break after that. He said that they had a new Andy of Mayberry bit coming up next.
After the bit Howard took some phone calls and got some feedback about the bit. Howard and the callers did their impressions of the characters in the bit. The callers liked the bit so Howard said they're working on a new Johnny Carson bit too.
One caller told Howard that he's a genius and talked about the Bijou bit they did and how funny that was. Howard said he heard that from someone else. He said that was just something they did unprepared. The caller said he's a devoted fan of Howard's now. That led to the guy and Howard talking about the Philly market and how Howard took away half of the Zoo Keeper's audience already. Howard said they're slowly eroding away at the ratings. The caller said that no one, not even Christ, could do the quality comedy that Howard does.
The caller said he wanted to send in some Sharpie pens for them to use since Howard had asked for some of that stuff. Howard said he appreciates that since Tom won't buy them pens. Howard said they have to write and he refuses to pay for pens. He said he had to hire a secretary because they have to log the show. He said they have handwritten logs that have to be typed and he has to pay someone to do it. He said it's getting ridiculous. Howard said he shouldn't have to pay someone himself. It's really embarrassing to him that he has to do that and that their computers are outdated so he can't find things when he needs to in the logs. Howard said that they have to spend money to make money. He talked about how Johnny Carson is only doing one hour a day and they're doing 4 hours a day.
The caller said he tapes the show every day so if he ever needs anything just let him know. Howard said they have more organized listeners than they do people working there. The guy said he was going to send in those pens too. Howard said they have the number one morning show and they have to get pens from listeners.
Howard said he bought a scanner for his home so he can scan in all of this stuff for the show. He said he's not doing this stuff for anything other than the show. He said it's ridiculous that the station doesn't pay for this stuff.
Howard said that it's Jackie the Intern's last day there so he might have her get hypnotized. Howard said he wants Dr. King to hypnotize her. Howard asked her if she'd be into that. Jackie came in and wondered how he does it. Howard said they've all been hypnotized before so it will be fine.
Howard said that Jackie was at the auction last night. He wanted to talk about that. He asked if she was wearing that outfit just to get to him. She had short shorts on and it was making him crazy. Howard said they might be able to have some real fun when Dr. King comes in later in the week. Howard asked if she'd be up for it. She said she would. Howard said he wants to get her to loosen up so he will have Dr. King help out.
Howard said that Gary and Jackie the Intern were auctioned off for charity last night. Gary went for $450. Howard said Gary told him that this annoying yenta was bidding on him. Howard asked how he looked. Jackie the Intern said he looked nice. Howard told her she doesn't have to pretend to like the way he looked just for the show. He said that he likes her for her looks and he admits that. He said she can like him because of him being on the air. Howard said he would ruin her if he could be with her.
Howard told Robin to guess how much Jackie went for. Robin said it must have been like $600. Howard said it was $550. Jackie said the guy who got her is like 40 years old. She said he's nice for a 40 year old. Gary said the guys were all older and they were all going crazy over her.
Howard played some audio from the auction where Scott the Engineer was playing the music. Gary and Jackie the Intern had to walk down the runway to show off what they had to the audience. Howard said that's so humiliating. There was a woman there doing the auctioneering. Gary said she was kind of hot too. Gary said for all of the other guys she explained what they had but with him she had him tell the audience. Howard said he had to take a break a short time later.
After the break Howard came back and played some more of the auction tape. Howard had Gary talking about what he does for a living when the woman at the auction asked him to explain who he is and what he does. Gary was embarrassed by the tape so he asked him to play his MTV audition tape instead. Gary's mic was feeding back so Howard blamed Scott. Then the auction started and the woman started doing that rapid auction speech thing going. Howard said he'd be afraid to bid with her rattling off like that. Howard said it was moving really fast. Gary told Howard what it was like standing there while that was going on.
Howard played more of the audio and they had a bidding war going on. The auctioneer was freaking Howard out. He said it really was freaking him out. Howard said Gary must have been digging this because he was getting a date. Howard said he's sure that he could get Jackie the Intern $10,000 an hour. He played more of the audio and Gary said that there was one girl who kept bidding up whenever someone else would bid. Howard said maybe she'll end up marrying Gary. He heard that she was a doctor. Gary said that all of the lights were out in the front of the room so he couldn't see who was bidding.
Howard asked if the doctor was good looking. Gary said she is and she went to school with Jessica Hahn. Howard said that's good and maybe she has Snapping Gyro. Gary said they saw the doctor out in the parking lot talking to some dude.
Howard played the tape and hear where they finished the auction. Howard said he went to an auction once in Jersey and it was pouring rain. He said he auctioned off a painting for some charity. He said he just wanted to show up, say hi and then leave. Howard said he felt like a dick head doing it. That's why he won't do anymore charity things.
Howard said Jackie and Gary just wanted dates. Jackie said she didn't want a date. Howard said she wanted something. Maybe it was publicity. Gary said there was a guy who showed up after hearing this thing plugged on the show. He was asking about bidding on Siobhan and things like that.
Howard played a little more of the tape but he couldn't take it anymore so he had to stop. He had some audio of Jackie's auction too so he played a little bit of that. Scott played her in with ZZ Top's ''Legs'' since she was showing off her legs up there. Howard asked how she looked. Gary said he didn't see her up there since he was busy with his new date.
Howard listened to the auction for Jackie and the auctioneer had her coming up into the light so everyone could see her. Jackie said she was the only one who was asked to step into the light. They had Jackie tell the audience about herself and then started the auction. Jackie went for $550.
Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about a movie Howard was supposed to be in but Eric Roberts ended up getting the part. Robin said the movie was okay. She said his character would have had a couple of lines in it.
Howard took some calls and got some feedback about the Andy of Mayberry bit. He had a bunch of positive calls about that.
Howard said he got some positive press about the cancer auction thing and he really didn't even have to do anything.
Robin said she ran into Carl Bernstein and thought he's a really good looking guy. She said he got out of news while Woodward stayed in it.
Howard read about Larry King getting married again. He read about who it was and what she does. Howard read about all of that and laughed at some of the stuff they were mentioning. Howard said Larry just met this woman 6 weeks ago. He's had 5 failed marriages already. Howard read more about what Larry and this woman were saying about each other. Howard said he predicts that she'll fall for someone else.
Howard said he wanted to call this woman off the air as Angie Dickinson and yell at her for stealing Larry away. He said that's not legal to do so he didn't do it.
Howard read more about Larry and this woman and figured they'd end up not working out. Robin said they'll end up in divorce court.
Howard read some news about Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon. Howard went through that stuff and read about how Johnny treats Ed.
Howard was thinking about this tennis match he wants to do and how he could sell it to a local channel. He said he doesn't think they'd be offering that much money though. He said he could do it on Pay-Per-View but that would take months. He said that he's not sure what to do. Howard said maybe they can do it at Nassau Colosseum. He said they could do some really funny stuff there.
Howard and Robin worked out some of the stuff they could do at the event. They were working out how long the match could be and what they could wear and things like that.
Howard took some calls from people asking if they would buy tickets to the tennis match. The first caller said she would. Howard said he would do it in Atlantic City if they have to. Gary said they could do that. He had some suggestions for that.
Howard said he knows the guy at Trump so maybe he can set it up. Howard said if they can get a couple thousand seats then that would be perfect. He told Gary to look into that. He said they could get Trump to show up too. They spent a few minutes talking about that and then went to break.
Robin read some news about some parents that were charged with abusing 9 children. Howard said the woman looks like a guy with huge breasts. He said the story is too weird. Robin read about how the neighbors had been complaining about noise from the apartment and things like that. She had a lot of details about that situation.
Robin read a story about two men who were arrested for planning a snuff film with a young boy. Robin said they were going to either purchase a child or kidnap one. They were planning on washing the kid in acid before dumping the body.
Robin read a story about Huey Newton of the Black Panthers being found dead. Robin said he was gunned down not far from where he was accused of shooting a cop. Robin said they found him yesterday and the police won't even investigate the case. Robin said the Black Panthers came to her school once. She told Howard that story. She said they got kicked off campus by the principal and the girl who arranged it was escorted back into school with guns and she was re-admitted into class.
Robin read about a doctor at West Point being up on charges for sexual abuse. Robin said that it was a gynecologist there at West Point who was accused. Robin said one woman says that she went to the doctor for saving her life and he asked her back to his apartment to drink it. Robin said the woman couldn't believe what happened after that. She didn't have the ability to resist his advances. She claims that he raped her. A couple of other women are accusing him of similar things.
Gary told Howard he had a woman on the phone to talk about the story they talked about earlier. Howard picked up and she said she didn't like that Robin was laughing through the whole story. Howard said they didn't find the story humorous. They were talking about what animals they are and that's what they were discussing and finding humor in.
Robin read about this guy Louis Palonia and this 15 year old he was allegedly with. Robin had some updates on that.
Robin read about how Nolan Ryan has now struck out 5,000 batters in his career. Howard said he'd be impressed if he cured cancer or something.
Robin read about Chris Everett retiring from tennis after the U.S. Open.
Robin read about how Deet may be causing some problems with children when they use too much bug spray on them.
Robin read about Mayor Koch getting an endorsement by the NY Post. Howard said that some people complain about the guy but he thinks the city is better off with him as Major. He said Dinkins is way off base. He said that the guy didn't pay taxes and he won't tell people why he didn't. He just said he forgot. Howard said he's pretty sure he'd run the city the same way and forget why he did things. They spent a few minutes talking about that story.
Howard asked to speak to someone who works closely with Julie. The woman put Howard on hold. A woman by the name of Ginny picked up and said her daughter is a big fan of Howard's. She said her daughter that listens is 20 years old. Howard asked if she works with Julie. She said she does and she's very excited about this. She said she thinks that she's a good judge of people and she thinks this is terrific. she's not sure if she'll be invited to the wedding though.
Howard asked Ginny if she's single. She said she is. Howard said maybe she can hang with Larry's friends. Ginny said that Julie has built a great business there. Howard goofed on Larry and did an impression of him for a minute. Howard told Ginny that he's friends with Larry but he really doesn't know him very well.
Howard said he thinks that 6 weeks isn't enough time to get to know someone. Ginny said she disagrees. She said Julie is making the right decision. Howard said that Larry has been married 5 times. She thought that was a mistake. Howard said it wasn't.
Ginny said she thinks that this marriage is going to work. Howard said he's not so sure about that. He said he would like to meet Ginny and have sex to get that out of the way. She said she would like to play tennis first. Howard said he is a very professional tennis player. Howard sneezed and said he must be allergic to his own B.S.
Howard asked if Julie is very sexually active. Ginny didn't know. She said she looks kind of like Candace Bergen. Howard asked her to think about what it would be like to have Larry in bed. She told Howard that he doesn't know what women find attractive. She said they are attracted to energy. Robin said Larry looks like a lizard. Howard said Larry is going for looks and that's it. He said these are concerns he has.
Ginny let Howard go when she got a phone call she said she had to take. Howard said he thinks that the secretary came in and told her to cut after she got another call. Howard said he's sure they'd hang up on him if he called back.
Howard tried calling back and spoke to the secretary. Howard said it seemed kind of abrupt. She said they can't talk now. She said they're very busy. Howard said they handled themselves very well. He said they don't have to hang up. She said she had to go. Howard said he hopes that they don't get into trouble. Howard said that call must have been very important. She said it might have been. She said she had to go too so Howard let her go.
Howard said he doesn't think Larry is being very honest with these women. He's been married 5 times and he's just going for looks. Howard said he thinks he's a pretty good judge of that and 5 times is a problem. He went to break a short time later.
Howard talked about some of the guests she's working on getting for her show and things like that. Howard said after a month of doing the show she's going to have some awful guests. Howard did an impression of her doing those interviews. Howard spent a couple of minutes doing that.
Howard told Tom about this tennis match and asked what they could do. Tom said they have an outdoor tennis area that they can seat about 1000 people in. Howard said he's thinking of doing it in the convention center. Tom said they might be able to do that but they've never done it before. He said that might be 5-10,000. Howard said that's what he's going to be looking for. Howard said it will sell. He said if he says it'll sell, it'll sell. Howard said it's going to be him playing against Gary. He said they can have some celebrity stuff too. Howard said they'll have people from the show and Wack Packers and things like that. Howard said he wanted to do it in like 2 weeks. Tom said that might be too soon. He said they need some time to promote it and sell tickets.
Howard said they'll call it the Howard Stern Invitational or the Howard Stern Unopen. Howard threw around some ideas but he told Tom that 1000 seats isn't enough. He said they will do it live on TV and Channel 9 would be one option for him. He told Tom to let him know what's going on. Tom said he'll talk about it and get back to him later today. Howard gave Tom some more ideas for who could play and told Tom to let him know. Tom said he'd get back to him today.
Howard and Robin spent a few more minutes talking about what they could do at this event. Howard said Jackie can do some jokes and stuff. Robin said they could do a big thing with all of these people and just cover the tennis match on TV. Howard said he has to figure out a way to hump a few women in the special too. Robin said he can't do that on TV. Howard said he'll wait and see what Tom says.
Robin read about Liz Smith lobbying to get Leona Helmsley out of jail. Howard said that woman used to swim in the pool and she'd have a servant there telling him to ''feed the fishy'' with shrimp. He said that's just one reason she should be in jail. He said Liz gets to hang out with all of these rich people and that's why she has this opinion. He said a party isn't worth your integrity. Robin read about how they have a 900 number that you can call to vote about the Helmsley thing.
Robin read about how Cher was in Atlantic City and she did some free shows for the hired help. She said that for them and then did the paying customer show.
Robin read about some people who settled on a lottery jackpot. Robin said that their friendship is over after they had to go to court.
Robin read about Barbara Bush's Graves disease and how she's going to get some new drops for her eyes. Howard said she's just not a healthy woman.
Robin read about Betty Buckley and how she won't be in a new 8 Is Enough reunion show. She's been asking for too much money apparently.
Robin read about Diana Vreeland passing away. She ran Vogue magazine years ago. Robin said she's known for discovering Lauren Hutton.
Robin read about how Carol Burnett is getting a new show. She said that she'll be playing new characters every week. Howard said it sounds like the Tracy Ullman show. Robin said she heard that they're spinning off that cartoon they run on that show. Howard said he has changed his tune on Tracy's talent but her show is still failing.
Howard took a call from a woman who was ready to get hypnotized. She said she's a model. Howard said that sounds super. Stuttering John told Howard he has another woman on the phone who is ready to come down. Howard said he'd take that call in a minute. The caller on the line said she's been told she looks like Natalie Wood. Howard put her on hold.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she wants to come down. She said she used to be in some porno movies. Howard put her on hold and took another call. That woman said she's told she's cute. She said she's wild too and she likes to be tied up and stuff. Howard asked if she'll kiss the porno star. She didn't know they were talking about a woman. She said she would if he was good looking.
Howard asked who she looks like. She said she's been told she looks like Jamie Lee Curtis. Howard said that sounds good to him. He put her on hold too.
Howard said they're working on their 7th anniversary special that will be coming up next week. Howard said they have the F-Emmys coming up soon too.
Howard took a call from a guy and asked him if he was looking forward to the hypnotism thing. The guy said he watched this guy Jerry Butler on a show when he turned on the TV. He and Howard spent a minute talking about the Addams Family. Howard said he wanted to get out of there. He asked where Meg was. He said she won't come in ever since he talked about her husband.
Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about the upcoming hypnotism show. Howard asked why Meg won't come in. Gary said she'll only come in when she has something to say.
Stuttering John said he had more women who wanted to come in. Howard took a call from one woman who said she would like to come in. Howard asked who she looks like. She said she just looks like herself. Howard said she sounds like the kind of girl who doesn't put out so she'd be good for the hypnotism thing. the caller said she used to dance at the Kit Cat Club so she's not uptight.
Meg Griffin came in so Howard spent a minute talking to her about videotaping herself in bed. Meg said she's never thought of doing that. Howard asked the caller if she's ever made love outside. She said she has. Howard put her on hold and said he'd have her in too.
Howard asked Meg if she would come in and get hypnotized. Meg asked who was doing it. Howard told her who it was and said it would be fun for her to try. Meg said she'd have to think about it. Howard said he doesn't think Meg will come in early and do it. Howard said he just wanted to see if she really loves him. Howard told her about some of the women who are coming in. He said that Dr. King has been on the show before.
Howard told Meg to come in. She said she would do it. Howard and Robin told her that Dr. King is a good guy and he's not some creep. Howard said the guy is really good. Howard said they had Bo the Lesbian there and she wanted to get naked but Dr. King was very good with her and told her to keep them on. He said he's not inappropriate or anything. Howard asked Meg to please come in. Meg said she'll try it. Howard said he wants to see if Meg can be hypnotized.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Meg about her family. He asked if she would perform oral on him if he could get her into the Stones show this weekend. Meg said no. Howard was about to turn the show over to her but he spent a few more minutes talking to her about Jethro Tull and their new album. Meg said it sounds good. She said she wasn't so happy with their last couple of albums but this one is good. Howard turned the show over to Meg a couple of minutes later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he hoped that Jackie the news intern was there. Robin told him that she doesn't get there until a little later in the morning. ?Howard said she's there to get hypnotized with some of the other girls on the show. Howard asked Gary when that's all going to happen. Gary said they're going to start it around 7:30. Howard talked about Dr. King and how he was going to be doing the hypnotizing. He said he'd love to be able to do that stuff himself. Gary said maybe you can send away to one of those comic book ads to get the X-ray specs.
Howard and Gary talked about Dr. King for a short time and how great it is to be able to hypnotize hot chicks. Howard changed subjects and talked about some frightening pictures of Barbara Bush in the paper today. He said that her eyes are bulging out of her head in the pictures and that's the way she looks. Robin said it's some kind so thyroid condition. Howard said it looked like George Bush was blowing air into her vagina making her eyes pop out. He figured that President Bush comes home and has to look at that and he probably can't believe he's married to that.
Howard also mentioned that Pete Rose has been kicked out of baseball finally. Robin said that he's supposed to go through rehab. Howard said that guy is very pompous and arrogant and he hopes he goes away. He said he could care less about him or baseball. He said he's got better things on his mind like hypnotizing girls.
Howard said they're going to work on trying to get rid of Stuttering John's stutter as well. He said if they do stop that stutter, John will get fired.
The caller also told Howard about going to college up at Boston University and how he's hoping he can get laid up there. Howard said anyone can get laid at that college. He said he had his fair share of chicks up there. He said it started out slow but he was able to get laid a few times when he was going there. Robin asked him how many girls he had there. That led to them talking about the number of women Howard has had. Howard figured he had sex with about 27 women before he got married. He said he met his wife and stopped having sex even though he could have had sex the week after he met his wife.
Howard said that 27 came between the ages of 16 and 21. He thought that was a pretty good number. Robin said that was pretty good for 4 years. Howard asked Jackie how many he had. Jackie said he had a lot more than 27. Howard said that he's wondering why else he'd want to live if he can't get laid again. Howard said he likes the thrill of a new girl. He said he was talking about some news woman, Perry Peltz, he likes and how he's pretty sure he could get her with the reputation he has. He said he spoke to a few people about her over at the station she works at. It could have been perfect if he had been able to get a date with her. He said he was ready to close the deal but he's married so he can't even make that happen.
Howard said he was working on a new bit called ''Larry King's Bachelor Party'' that they should have for next week. He said they also have a big anniversary show coming up next week. They've been in New York radio for 7 years now. He said he's pretty sure that it's the 7th year at the end of the month. They'd been there since 1982. Howard said that they're putting some effort into it and they'll be working on that stuff at his house. He told the caller he had to take a break after that.
Howard said he knows that Tom makes a lot of money doing what he does and he doesn't deserve it. He said Tom probably figures he's underpaid at $308,000 per year there but he really doesn't deserve it. He said Tom has it pretty easy there and doesn't even get blamed if they don't get decent ratings on the station.
Howard kept talking about the 17 carts he needs for this bit he's working on. He told Gary to go down to WJIT and see if he could take some from him. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he was watching the news yesterday and saw John F. Kennedy Jr. on the news. He said that guy gets ton's of hot chicks and has them coming on to him all the time. He said it must be quite a life. He figures it must turn women on that he went to law school and has this job paying him $30,000 a year. He said they're still jumping through hoops to get near him even though he's got that low paying job. Howard can't get women without hypnotizing them.
Howard asked Robin what was in the news. She brought up a story about this McMillan family where the father had killed his family so Howard had a quick song parody to sing about that. He sang the song to the tune of the Addams Family theme song but said they really had to work on it a little more.
Howard mentioned that they're going to be doing a trivia contest on the show tomorrow as part of the anniversary celebration for the show. He said that they have some cool prizes for the winners. One of the prizes involved a trip to a Rolling Stones concert with a limo. The runners up in the contest get a ride to the concert in a bus. That led to the guys talking about how the driver of the bus might be Ted Kennedy. When Howard heard that he went into his Ted Kennedy impression and goofed on him for a short time. He said it was great that Ted grew up ugly.
Howard wondered if any girls had shown up for the hypnotism thing today. Robin said she saw some girls out there. Gary came in and said that some of the girls looked good. Howard figured Gary was going to get some of the girls when he should really be the one getting them.
Robin got back to her news and read through some more stories. Stuttering John came in at one point to talk about one of the stories that Robin brought up. The story was about a sexual education class that was offered at a school. John had taken the class so he talked about that for a short time. Howard told John that he should really cut his fingernails because it was really vile to look at. John said he doesn't care about how he looks but Howard said it's kind of disturbing.
John talked about some of the homework in that sex ed class. He said that one of the homework assignments was to draw a picture of your own genitals. Howard had some fun talking about that. He figured the professor's name was probably like Dick Hertz. He said something about how he had gone home and squeezed his testicles for extra credit.
Stuttering John said he had to go out and interview people and ask them if they had ever had thoughts about doing gay stuff. He talked about some of the other homework assignments and movies that they had to watch. Howard eventually told John to get out of there with that nonsense and had Robin get back to her news. They went to commercial break a short time later.
Howard asked where Gary had gone to because he wanted to get Jackie the Intern in there. Gary came in and said that Howard was being a big loud mouth so Howard told him he was fired. Gary said he was fine with that. Gary said he didn't hear Howard asking for him and there were 50 people out there who should have come in to let him know. Gary didn't even know why he was being called in there.
Howard told Gary to get out of there and fired him once again. Jackie the Intern and Dr. King were brought in a short time later. Howard asked Dr. King if he could cure John's stutter. Dr. King said he could do that if he really wanted him to. He could stop the stutter until he wanted it to come back too. Howard said maybe they should make him stutter worse instead.
Howard asked Dr. King if they should talk about what to do to Jackie in front of her or not. He suggested they not talk about it in front of her. Howard asked if they had a perfect subject with Jackie the Intern. He said they did so Howard let Jackie leave the room so they could discuss it. Howard told Dr. King that he wanted her all over him and he wanted her to orgasm loudly.
Howard said there is no better doctor than Dr. King. He asked him what it would cost him to have him walking around hypnotizing women for him all day. He didn't wait for an answer, he just got into the Jackie the Intern thing. He told Dr. King to go off and try working on Jackie while he spoke to some of the other girls there. They ended up talking about Bo the Lesbian a little bit and that led to Dr. King talking about how he had a guy who was gay who he was able to turn straight.
Howard told Dr. King that he wants to make Jackie the Intern hot for him. He told Dr. King to go out and make that happen. A short time later after an edited out commercial break, Howard said he got the word that Jackie the Intern was a good subject. She came in with Dr. King and he told Howard that she was an incredible subject. He said it didn't take long to figure out that she was going to work out well.
Dr. King said you really feel relaxed and fresh after going under hypnosis. He said he was going to allow Howard to hold one of his balls... one of his crystal balls... and show that to Jackie. Howard showed it to her and that put her to sleep. Dr. King put her into a deeper sleep and then said he was going to talk to Howard about what they wanted to do with her.
Dr. King suggested that they tell her that she was with Howard in a room last night and Howard was devastating in bed. Howard told Robin to interview her about that. Dr. King then told Jackie what she was going to think when she woke up and she was going to think it was for real. She woke up a short time later and Robin asked her what had gone on the night before. Jackie laughed and said that she and Howard went to a hotel and she was with him. Her dream came true and she got to do stuff with Howard in the hotel room in a heart shaped bed. She was laughing quite a bit as she was telling the story. She said they took a shower together and did things in there.
Robin asked detailed questions about what went on there. Jackie talked about the bubbles flying in the air and how she had champagne and had Howard kissing her neck and stuff like that. Howard let her go through the story for a short time while she thought that they were in a commercial break. He came back from the fake break and asked Jackie if she wanted to talk more about it on the air. She told Robin not to say anything to anyone about what had gone on. Gary said he got an erection during that discussion. He said that she was talking about all of the stuff that she'd really want when she was making up this fantasy. Howard said the reality wouldn't have been as nice. He said he would have been farting at some point.
Dr. King brought Jackie back out of her sleep so Howard talked to her a little bit more. Jackie was saying that Howard is the only guy she wants to look at in the room. She said that he belongs on the cover of GQ because he's so good looking. Howard played along and said that he just pretends that he's not good looking. Howard said that she loves his personality and also loves his body. Jackie said that he really does have a great body and she's never been with someone like that before.
Jackie said that she'd like to live with Howard and they'd have to stay in Manhattan if they did that. Dr. King put her under again and made her think that when Howard farted, it was disgusting. Howard then pretended to start farting with fart sound effects and had her thinking that he was blasting away. She ran out of the studio because they smelled so bad. Howard asked Dr. King to please help him out and make Jackie in love with him. He told him they were going to bring in another girl after the break and have them fight over him. He gave Dr. King some more ideas for what he could hypnotize the girls to do.
Jackie came back in the studio so Howard blasted out some more farts and told her that he really can't control it. She got upset with him about farting so much but he said he just couldn't stop. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had Jackie on his lap and had her touching his hair and stuff like that. She was giggling and saying that he had too much clothing on. Howard took his jacket off and thanked Dr. King for what he was doing. Dr. King put her under again and had her falling in love with Howard even more. Howard was telling her how much he loved when she was rubbing him and kissing his neck. Dr. King put her under again. He had her saying that she would give him anything she wanted while she was there. Howard asked her if she ever thought she'd be like that with him. She said she did but it was even better than she thought it would be.
Jackie said that it was Howard physically that was turning her on, not just his personality. Howard told Dr. King he was a genius as he was putting Jackie back under. King was telling her to kiss Howard when she came out of it but Howard said he couldn't do that.
Howard said that today is Jackie the Intern's last day there and then she asked if she could get a kiss. Howard let her kiss him but didn't go as far as Dr. King had told her to go. Howard said goodbye to her a short time later and said that they're going to miss her. She kept kissing him before saying goodbye to him. Howard told Dr. King to put her under again so he could talk to him. He told King he might need to hypnotize his wife because she won't understand this at all.
Howard told Dr. King to keep the girls in their trances for a while. He also told him to go work on the other girls while they talked. After coming back from an edited out commercial Howard was rubbing his nose which was supposed to be turning Jackie on. She was giggling and laughing as he was doing it. Then Gary told him that he had a call from Jackie's father. Howard picked up the call and Dad told Howard that he was going to be the first guy to be castrated with a broken nose. He asked him what he was doing to his poor daughter. Jackie said that nothing had happened and she was very confused right now. Howard told Jackie to leave the room so he could talk to her father. She was worried that someone was mad at her but Howard told her that no one was mad.
Howard told Jackie's dad that his daughter was a hot little fireball when she was under hypnosis. He said that he was a gentleman during the whole thing. He said he didn't do anything wrong. Jackie's father said he wasn't sure about that because he couldn't see what was going on. He let the guy go a short time later.
Howard said he wants Jackie back in there. He was also saying that he'd like to get Meg Griffin in there too when she comes in. He said he doesn't think that they could get her hypnotized at all. He had a caller on the line who was saying that this guy was great and had probably beat out Sam Kinison as the best guest on the show. He was also telling Howard that he should have Dr. King hypnotize him and bring out the 10 year old Howard Stern. Howard said he's not sure that would work on him, he's not sure he could be hypnotized.
The guys talked about how hot Jackie was during that whole thing earlier. Howard joked that Fred had ''inserted himself into the cart machine'' during that segment earlier. He had to take a quick break before getting to more of that.
Howard said that none of the girls ever grab his crotch like he'd like them to do. He said he really doesn't want that but it would be good for the show. He had a bunch of girls come in and said hello to each of them. The first woman said she had called in and asked to come in recently. She's 35 and a model and claims to look like Natalie Wood. Howard also said hello to Lauren who was another girl who was there to be hypnotized. Those two were hypnotizable while some of the other girls weren't. Howard had Dr. King do his thing with the one girl who was an aerobics instructor. Dr. King then had him pick up his crystal ball and swing it back and forth. He put her under and then Howard told him what he wanted to do. He told him to make it happen for him and said he wants them to go into wild orgasms when he rubs his chest. Dr. King worked his magic and told the girls what they were going to do.
Howard said he hopes his wife just turns off her radio while this is going on. He woke her up a short time later and Howard told Linnie and Lauren that they were off the air. Robin asked the girls what they were up to with Howard. Lauren said that she and Howard had gone into a bathroom to mess around but Linnie said that she wasn't with him, she was. She said it was early this morning and she didn't think that Lauren had been with her. Linnie said that she and Howard had messed around in the bathroom and screwed around and played Twister in the nude. She said they got all tangled up and had some fun. She said they were trying to do it standing up but it wasn't working very well so they slipped to the floor. She said it turned out to be better than she expected it to be too.
Howard asked Lauren to describe what they had done. She filled in the details of their mutual massaging. She said that she knows how to give really good massages so that's what she was doing for him. She said that Howard is a big man and isn't as small as he claims to be.
Howard said he was hoping that the girls were going to really fight over him. He asked Dr. King what else he could do. King said they could do the same thing that they did with Jackie. Howard said he wanted them less inhibited and orgasming when they touch him or something. Dr. King worked his magic on the girls for a short time and then the girls came back in. Howard talked to Linnie again and had her touching him. He talked to her while she was feeling him and waiting for her to orgasm. She said she would like to give him a nice massage. Howard asked her if she was getting turned on more by him than other men. She said that he was doing it to her right then. Howard invited Lauren over while they were doing that. Linnie didn't want to leave, she just kept touching him.
Dr. King came over and told the girls that they had to really get into this and get worked up while they were touching Howard. He brought them out again and they kept feeling him up. Not too much was happening though. Then Linnie started moaning a bit and said she was feeling so good inside. Howard said he liked that they were touching him and started moaning a little bit himself.
Lauren was kissing Howard's fingers and getting off on that. Howard wasn't sure what else he could do after that. He said that both of them were very sensuous women. He also said he likes when he hears them scream so they did a little more of that. Fred threw in a dog howling sound clip when he heard that.
Howard spoke to the girls a little bit after letting them come out of their hypnosis. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy said they have to get Meg in there and get her hypnotized. Howard said that he was going to put his shirt back on for the girls. Then he was asking them to bark for him. If they barked he was going to let them touch him. The girls didn't want to do it though.
Stuttering John told Howard that Meg was there so Howard told Dr. King to go do his thing with her. Howard had Linnie and Lauren sit back down and spent a few more minutes talking to them. He took a few more phone calls as well. The callers thought the whole thing was incredible. Stuttering John said that Meg was still debating if she should do it or not. Howard had him bring her in so he could try to convince her himself.
Howard said that Meg is very uptight. He asked Jackie to go out and convince her to come in. Jackie said he would carry her in if he had to. Howard told him to go ahead and do that then. Meg came in a short time later and Robin said she looked like she was afraid of everything. Meg wasn't interested but Howard promised her that he wouldn't do anything bad with her. She wasn't going to do anything but Howard begged until she said she would do it. She was more afraid of what Howard was going to do than what Dr. King was going to do.
Howard sent Meg off to be hypnotized and spent a little more time with Linnie and Lauren. Gary came in a short time later and said they were still working on Meg. Howard wondered what they should do with her if it works. He and Robin figured they were going to do the nose rubbing thing that would make her feel really good. While they waited Howard gave one of the girls an orgasm by letting her touch him. Lauren was going nuts watching that one according to Jackie. Howard asked her if she wanted one like that. She said she wanted one in private.
Gary said that Dr. King is working very hard on Meg but he seems to be trying very hard and may just be able to do it. He came back a short time later and said that Dr. King had given him the thumbs up for Meg. Howard gave Linnie and Lauren a little more pleasure by letting them touch his hand. He said they know they wanted that and kept going with that for a short time.
Howard let Linnie and Lauren go and had Meg come in. He asked her how that went. She said it felt funny. Howard asked Dr. King what they could do there. Dr. King said she had an excellent frame of mind and she was a great pleasure to work with. He put her to sleep a few seconds later so they could figure out what to do with her. Howard wanted to get Meg to fall in love with him. Dr. King worked his magic on Meg and told her that she had a nice breakfast with Howard and then went up to a hotel room where Howard showed her a few new ideas. He told her that she was going to reveal all of this stuff to Robin because she was her close friend.
When Dr. King brought her out of her sleep she came up and Howard asked her to tell Robin what she did with him this morning. She wasn't playing along and said she was home with her boyfriend this morning. She didn't seem to be under any hypnosis at all and was kind of goofing on the whole situation. Dr. King put her back to sleep and tried to get her to play along. It wasn't working. She was goofing on Howard when he rubbed his nose instead of having an orgasm like Dr. King was trying to make her do. She said she has a strong mind and will so that might be why she's not falling under this spell. Howard said she might just be uptight.
Dr. King tried to make her hand get stuck to a can by putting her under again. That didn't work either. Howard said all he cares about is that Dr. King got Jackie the Intern to go under. He wondered why it didn't work on her. Howard told Dr. King he did a good job with the others so he wasn't unhappy at all. Meg said she heard just a couple of minutes of the show so she didn't know what to expect.
Howard had Jackie the intern come back in to talk about what she had gone through. Dr. King put her under again and told her that she was going to get jealous of Meg and get very upset that she was hitting on Howard. Jackie then came out of it and asked Howard why Meg was laughing. Howard told her that she was flirting with him, that's why. Jackie said that she knew that Meg had a boyfriend and that she wasn't hitting on him. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the two of them but Meg still wasn't going along with the story even though they were supposed to be just goofing around. Meg was laughing at Howard as he was pretending to be in love with her.
Dr. King put Jackie under and told her that Howard had taken his thing out and Meg was holding it in her hand across the console. Howard said they really have to wrap up with Dr. King. Then they made reference to Howard's ''thing'' being on the console. He asked Meg to please touch it as Jackie the Intern was laughing. Howard told Meg that she was the best and said he was putting it closer to her. Meg told him to get away from her. Jackie didn't seem to have a problem with her doing what she was doing.
Howard asked Jackie if she wanted to touch it. She was just laughing and said that she didn't want to touch it with so many people there. Howard wrapped up with Dr. King and said he had to go to break after that. He rubbed his nose for Jackie one more time and she got another giggle from that. He said maybe he'd spend some time alone with her later. He ended the show around 10:00am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard and Robin were trying to figure out stage direction. They couldn't get it down. Howard said he was on the phone all night with the ticket company working this out, so he missed the big tennis match on TV last night. Robin was there along with Donald Trump and Chevy Chase. Robin said Imus was there and he got angered when he saw her.
Howard said Jim Jenson is doing sports reports on Channel 2 now. They said Jim Jenson is a local reporter that had some trouble with cocaine. He was a real distinguished guy before his coke problems. Robin said she feels bad about how low on the totem pole he fell down.
Howard asked Robin about Imus again and Robin said Imus was sitting in the nosebleeds but she was up front. Howard said he hates Imus and he's glad Imus's life is ruined. Howard said Jessica Hahn and Richard Lewis would be calling in. Robin asked if Dice would be coming on to discuss his latest controversy with MTV. Howard said he thinks Sam Kinison did the same thing a year ago. Howard said naked girls would be coming by to audition for spots on the Nassau Coliseum Show. Howard will be playing Gary and Robin will be playing Darren the Foot Licker.
Howard asked if Robin knew how to play and she said she isn't very good. Howard said he isn't either but he'll give it his best. Gary said he used to play as a teenager but not often. Gary said he'd beat him but Howard reminded him that he got his butt kicked at racquetball by Howard. Howard said his story was BS. Howard said if Gary's a natural athlete then he's Megaman.
They talked a little about tennis players and the U.S. Open Match that took place last night. Howard said there was a guy named "Igor" who looks like a Nazi.
Howard said he wants Kimberly Taylor and Jessica Hahn to orgasm when Howard rubs his nose after they undergo hypnosis from Dr. Marshall King.
Gary said Celestine, the armless and legless woman would play the National Anthem with her tongue. Jessica Hahn will also be there. Stuttering John said he opened up for Pat Cooper but Howard ended up making fun of John's long nails. Gary said Megaman and Grandpa Al Lewis have also confirmed. He said a few comedians are also in the works. Gary said that tickets go on sale today.
Gary said anything can happen at these live shows. Howard said there's always at least one moment worth going for. Howard said the tampon eating contest and the Prom Queen's heel trick were some of the best.
Howard picked up the phone and said that they'll be recommending certain area hotels. Howard said people want to party with other listeners in the hotel. Howard said tickets are $22.50. Robin said it's happening on October 7. Howard said Gary took out the Russian immigrant and his date that he met on Dial-A-Date. Howard said the girl who called in to date him thought he was Yakoff Smirnoff, so there will be some pretty and dumb girls at the show.
Scott the Engineer came in and said he saw Rob Camiletti at the bagel shop yesterday looking for a job. Then he was eating a bagel on the curb for an hour. Howard told John to get out. Scott started to talk and then Howard cut him off to talk to John. Howard told John to tell Ernie to knock it off with the staring. Howard asked where Ernie is and John said he's in the back office. Howard said he has to bring Ernie in and do news after the commercials.
Gary came in and said some of the girls that were here today have arrived. Howard said he wants to do the news and get it out of the way.
Robin got to her first story about a local news anchor for Channel 9 who saved a man's life. Howard asked Robin if she heard a hum. It was coming from Jackie's mic. Scott the Engineer came in to fix it and Howard stopped him at the door. He told him to get the hell out because he'd only make it worse.
Robin's second story was that Mother Theresa had a heart attack. After her heart attack she went to church but eventually had to get to a hospital. Howard said that the MTV awards weren't bad and that Mother Theresa wrote Dice Clay's act that got him banned.
Robin's third story was about Axl Rose fighting with a guy from Motley Crue. Howard said the show was better backstage than on-stage. Howard said he knows the real story. Robin said she had a clip. It was Axl Rose telling the story.
Robin's fourth story was about the president's speech about the war on drugs. Robin asked if Howard remembers the president holding up a bag of crack. The president may have ruined a secret investigation on LaFayette Park, where the bag of crack came from.
Robin's fifth story was about the PTL and Jim Baker story. Robin said Jim Baker sat composed and trying to look good and look like a good client at the trial. Robin said she thinks televangelists are just bad businessmen.
Robin's sixth story was about the Giamatti club finger guy. Robin said the guy was born with club finger. Robin said this should teach people not to diagnose over television.
Robin's seventh story was about LaToya Jackson marrying her manager. That happened over the week. Robin's eighth and final story was about Tom Jones and how he's not as faithful as he says. Now there is a paternity suit against him.
Gary brought in the five women who are auditioning. Howard was enjoying looking at the half-naked women but he was mad at Gary because he didn't have chairs set up. Howard asked the girls what they do and they said they do hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing.
Sir Harden Thicke interrupted the broadcast to say that Scott the Engineer realized at that exact point that tape was running out so he changed tapes while recording. Sir Harden Thicke was sorry to say that the next few minutes are lost in time. He then resumed where the recording continued.
Howard picked up Richard Lewis and Sam Kinison. Richard and Sam started fighting with each other. Sam asked Richard if hates Dice. Howard told Kinison to stop involving everyone in his fights. The fighting was starting to get heavy and Howard and Robin tried to calm it down. Howard told Sam to stop fighting with Richard because Sam likes Richard. Richard said he got a call yesterday that Howard wants him to call in so he can mock Richard. Kinison said Dice evicted his fried. Sam Kinison started pulling out Dice facts and trashing him. Sam was really upset with Dice and wanted how Howard treated him when he said he did DeBella's show. Howard said Dice is Kinison's Paul Reiser. Howard said that he thinks Arsenio screwed Richard's MTV appearance up. Howard talked to the guys for a few more minutes. Sam Kinison said he'll come down to the studio. Howard let Sam go. Howard said he had to let Richard go because Jamie Lee's was in the lobby.
Howard picked up on Jessica Hahn and said he wanted to talk to her before Sam came in. Jessica said Sam was supposed to come to a charity event but never showed up because he's afraid of her. Howard said he has to break for commercial but he'd get back to her. Howard gave out the ticket information for U.S. Open Sores. Gary said 6 more girls were out in the lobby and they're getting unruly. Howard said he has to go to break but he'd get back to Jessica in a minute. The ball girls said they would pull their tops off but Fred said he had a lot of commercials to get to. Howard did a live commercial, but the sponsor name was fart noised out.
Howard let Jessica go and then got back to the girls. The girls started rambling so Howard tried moving it along by getting them naked. The girls said they'll be oil bathing each other. Howard was enjoying what he saw when they got naked. They started oiling each other up and running to show how they chase balls. The girls said they'd love to chase balls. Once girl said she didn't want to get naked or be a ball girl. Gary got the 3 girls who participated together and took down their names and numbers. Gary brought in the second group of girls to audition.
Howard came back from break and started to chat with the girls. He brought one of the girls up to the mic. The girl had a missing tooth and was talking in slang. Howard and Robin said she's not ready for a show. Howard was examining the girls' breasts. He interviewed the girls for a little while longer. One of the girls dates Moogy from Buzzy Linhardt's band. The same girl said she's attracted to Howard. Howard chatted with a few more women and then asked them to show their breasts. Howard gave out the numbers to get tickets again, but Sirius bleeped them with fart noises. Howard gave the ticket price again. Some girls wouldn't show their breasts so Howard kicked them out. A guy called in and said he didn't buy tickets because he lives in Philadelphia. The caller asked if Jessica would be there. Howard gave the number out again. Howard gave out the list of U.S. Open Sores hotels. One of the girls suggested hypnotizing Siobhan into thinking she was a man again. Howard said he had to go to break. Gary said that the auditions were over.
Howard went to break and when he came back Sam and his crew were in there having a good time. Sam said Malika's there but she's not mad at him because she sees Sam's in heaven. Howard and Sam asked Malika to bear her breasts. Malika said she would if Robin does. Robin said she's not going to. Sam kept going on and on about Dice so Howard and Robin decided Dice would be banned from the show for life! They said they'd be making the MTV announcement but replacing "MTV" with "The Howard Stern Show." Sam was thrilled at that. Howard gave the number out again for tickets. Kinison hung out in the studio for a while longer. He spent most of his appearance trashing Dice. Howard ran down what would happen at U.S. Open Sores. Sam was playing around with the girls for a little bit and Malika got angry. They spent a few more minutes hanging out with Kinison and then they had to wrap up.
Howard started off the show talking about how he was showing the guys some video. He said he hired a good camera outfit to film this thing he wants to show to Richard Simmons. He said this was the woman with no arms or legs (Celestine) getting ready to perform the Star Spangled Banner for his upcoming videotape, ''U.S. Open Sores.'' He played the audio where the crowd was booing her while she was begging for money. Howard forwarded through the tape to get to the part he wanted to hear. She went on to play the song with her tongue on a keyboard. Robin told Howard that the photography on the video was incredible. Howard liked that they had the American flag superimposed on Jackie's face at one point. He said the look on his own face was that of shock.
Howard said he would have liked to have seen her get dressed instead of playing the song. He wondered how she even gets her earrings in. He also said he really wants to show that to Richard Simmons to freak him out. He said he's really happy with the filming of the video. He said the orders for the video will be going out in six weeks or so if ordered quickly. That will be the first mailing, the second mailing he's not sure about. He said he was asked to make that announcement by the officials of video tape which was something he just made up.
Howard took a call from someone who said he ordered the tape already. Howard assured him he'd be on the first mailing then. He and the caller then spent a minute talking about Ed McMahon for a short time. They talked about the kind of money Ed must be making on The Tonight Show and how he's apparently made threats of leaving in the past. Howard said he can imagine how that would go and how Jackie's contract might be up in a few weeks. Jackie said it is and he might just hit them up with the same letter he sent to them last year. That led to Howard talking about his current contract and when that's up for renewal.
Gary came in and said he found a couple of the most offensive moments in the new video tape.
Howard talked to the guy on the phone about what they had on this new video. He said you'll see everything that happened there when they were filming. He let that guy go and took another call. He ended up talking about the contracts he signs there at the station and they seem to go on forever. He said he likes the guys who sign for just one year. He did that once down in Washington DC but only because there was no money there. The caller said that he ordered his tape recently and was on and off the phone really quick. He said he got some good people take the calls this time. Last time they had some lame people answering phones.
Howard let that caller go and talked about the bet he had with Gary for the tennis match they did. He said that Gary won and took that money to buy an ugly vinyl coat. He wondered how much he spent on it. Gary said it was $430.
Robin said she was watching the news the other night and the local channel was showing coverage of the Grateful Dead concert. She said it was kind of odd because the audience is so young. That led to the guys talking about the Dead Heads and how they demand that the venues allow their fans to camp out outside of the venue.
Jackie said that he had some people heckle him the night before. He said it was this guy Wavy Gravy and David Peel too.
The guy on the phone said that he had gotten a ticket from Fred the Elephant boy. He went to the after party that everyone knew about because Celeste was telling everyone. The caller said he got into the party and then Crazy Jerry came up to him. He had some friends of his with him and all of a sudden Crazy Jerry comes in and then Siobhan comes in. Jerry couldn't stay quiet so security came up to the room. Crazy Jerry didn't know where Gina-Man was, he ended up losing him. That led to Jerry accusing him of losing him. Then Jerry went off on him saying that he wasn't invited to the party. Security came up and tried to get rid of them all. The caller said he paid for half of the room. He said he gave her half but then said he gave $25 of the $125 room. Howard couldn't figure out that math so the guy corrected himself with that.
Howard said that he tried to kick Jerry out of the room at one point because he was making phone calls. He said Jerry ended up punching him in the eye and then security came up again. He said they eventually hauled Jerry out of there. Howard ended up putting the guy on hold because he wasn't a great story teller. He had to go to break after that.
Howard and Robin spent a little while talking about that stuff but then got back to the guy on the phone who had the hotel room story. He also asked Gary to bring in Siobhan's manager who was also there at the hotel room. Howard told the caller that he wanted him to get to the point of the story and stop dragging it out. Siobhan's manager, Eric, came in a short time later and told Howard that he's a teacher usually and does the managing thing part time.
Howard wondered how people are making a living doing nothing while he has to work so hard. Robin said she wonders the same thing. The caller on the phone, Randy, reminded Eric who he was. Eric then went on to tell his part of the story but Randy said he had some of it wrong as soon as he started to tell the story. Eric gave a few details but they weren't learning all that much. They had Celeste on the phone too so Howard put her on. She said that these guys were telling lies and she didn't like her name being brought into it. She said she didn't tell all of those people to come to her room, it was Howard who told everyone. Howard said he's not the one who gave out her room number, she did.
Howard asked if anything happened at the hotel or not. Celeste said she had a guy there but Randy said that wasn't true. Howard was getting annoyed by that guy but he still didn't hang up on him. Celeste said that she got kicked out of her hotel room but she went to another room for a different party. She said they were supposed to get kicked out as well but she managed to go up there anyway. She said they knew she was going to go up either way but they just left her alone.
Howard asked Celeste if she serviced the guy she was hanging out with. She said she did but Randy said he didn't believe that. She said she saw this guy Scott who was throwing the party. She didn't do anything with him though. Randy wondered who would want her. Robin said you have to see the video tape just to see the way she walks on stage. It's very entertaining. Howard said he felt like the video cameras should still be rolling.
Howard said he really had to get out of this conversation. He couldn't take it anymore. Howard hung up on Randy who was getting way too annoying by yelling stuff out on the phone. Celeste said that guy didn't pay her for half the room either. Howard told her he didn't care and told her to stop calling him ''How'' the way she was. He said that he's not her friend.
Howard had to get out of the conversation but then Celeste said that Siobhan hooked up with some guy at the party so Howard anted to hear more about that. Siobhan's manager was getting annoying as well so he asked him to stay quiet as well. Gary came in and said that Celeste was hitting on his brother in front of his wife. She claimed she was just being nice, not hitting on him. Howard let Celeste go after that and also said goodbye to Siobhan's manager. He said he digs talking to the mental people from his show for about 5 minutes and then has to take a break from it.
Howard ended up talking to Eric more about what Celeste was up to over there at the party. He told Howard a couple of stories about what he saw going on there. Howard let him go a short time later. The guy asked if they had gotten his song parodies. Howard said they were working on that.
Howard had Rachel the Spanker on the phone so he asked her about what went on with her and Eric. Eric claimed that she had pulled up her skirt at the hotel. She was wearing nothing underneath it. Howard said that when a guy sees something like that they think that she's available. She said that guys find her hot but Howard told her that she's not all that attractive.
Howard talked to Rachel about what went on after she got kicked out of the hotel. Eric claimed that she had guys all over her when he saw her at the hotel. She said he wasn't there when she first got there though. Howard wanted to know the good stuff but Rachel was taking to long to get to it so he hung up on her. He told Eric to say hello to Siobhan for him and let him go as well.
Robin talked about how frightening looking Siobhan has gotten and said that's all on the video tape. Jackie said that Siobhan had something shoved up his nose when he saw him. He claimed that it was something to filter out the asbestos at his apartment or something. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Richard to sit down but he wasn't listening and just kept talking and handing out the food he brought in. Richard asked Howard for a hug but Howard told him he had a cold. Richard didn't care and got his hug. Howard said he thinks he just exchanged bodily fluids with him when he hugged him. He also said he could see his ''meats'' hanging out of his shorts. Richard asked him to stop with that stuff. Howard said Richard was trolling for Cub Scouts with that outfit. Richard got a laugh out of that. He continued to hand out stuff to everyone. He got them all glasses with birds on them. Howard said they were very gay.
Howard asked Richard if he goes to the store and asks the store clerks to find him shorts that will allow his sack to hang out. Richard ignored those comments and asked everyone to put on the glasses. Howard interrupted and said he talked to Leslie West about the salad spray that Richard has out and how good it is. He said that each spray is only one calorie and he only needs to use four sprays on his salad.
Howard had to do a commercial and Richard wanted to help out but Howard told him he's really not very good at it so he wasn't going to let him. Howard told Richard about this video tape he's putting out and explained to him what kind of video they've shot. He wanted to show him one clip from the tape that no one had seen yet. He then played the clip where Celestine was playing the keyboard with her tongue. Richard thought it was very sweet when he first saw it. Then he saw her tongue and said he's never seen a tongue that big before. He said he had never seen anything like that before. Richard let out a squeal when he saw that size of the tongue. He asked how they met her. Robin said they read about her being kicked off the boardwalk down in Atlantic City and got in contact with her.
Howard cracked a joke about Richard being gay and he almost walked out. Howard said he knows he's into chicks. Richard said he asked Jane Fonda out so Howard asked if that's why he had vomit on his feet. Richard said she has a great body but Howard said she's almost a man at this point. Howard said he had to go to break and said that they'd talk to Richard more about how he asked out ''Peter... I mean Jane Fonda.'' Richard almost walked out again. Howard said he just screwed up, he didn't mean anything by that.
Howard asked Richard about this movie he shot and found out that Charles Nelson Riley was directing it. That led to Howard doing an impression of Charles for a few seconds. Howard asked him about who else is involved in the movie and mentioned a bunch of gay guys.
Stuttering John came in and said that Howard's mother Ray was on the phone. Howard picked up and she said she just wanted to say hello to Richard. She told Howard to be nice to him because she really likes him. Howard said he was being nice to him. Ray said she thought for sure she was going to see Richard at the video taping for the tape Howard was releasing. Howard told his mother he thought she was off her rocker because she was complaining about the seats that she had there. She said that the fans really love Howard and the show was very good. She told Richard how great her son is most of the time but she also told Howard she wanted him to be nice to Richard today. Howard said he's always nice to her. He wanted to ask her some questions about her having sex with his father but she hung up on him before he could.
Richard asked Howard to please call his friend Michael Hebranco who had lost hundreds and hundreds of pounds using his diet. He gave Howard some vitamin pills to take and asked him again to call Michael. Howard didn't do it and asked him about this play he was getting started. Richard started to explain it and Jackie cracked a joke about how Michael Hebranco was going to play his mother in the play. Richard didn't appreciate the joking around.
Richard asked Howard to call her friend again but he still wasn't dialing. He eventually did dial so Richard asked him to please be nice to him, he's been through a lot. Howard got through to him and asked him about his weight loss. Michael said he's lost 706 pounds and he managed to get himself healthier. He was in a chair but not a wheel chair because he couldn't fit in one. Michael said that he started on Richard's deal-a-meal plan 20 months before and he lost all of that weight. Howard said that he guarantees he'll go back to eating like he used to when he sees this play that Richard is doing.
Howard cracked some jokes about Michael's weight and what he does with all of the skin. Michael said he has to have it surgically removed, he's already had 50 pounds of it taken off. Howard wondered if he kept any of it in a box. Michael and Richard both asked Howard to stop with the jokes. Howard told Michael to make a suitcase out of the extra skin for him as he was letting him go. Howard told Richard that he's an angel and a very, very good man. He said a few more nice words about him and then went to break.
Howard said he wasn't going to take Richard's check but Richard was going to write out the check. He asked why he couldn't do that. Howard told him he didn't want to take his money and he was being insincere about the whole thing. Richard said he wanted to treat 10 of his fans to free tapes. Howard said the guy could get a job and pay for it himself. Howard told Richard if he wanted to give away free tapes, he'd do that himself.
Howard asked Richard to stick around during the news but Richard wondered who was going to read it. He had no idea that Robin read the news on the show. He said he thought that she was just part of the team there. Howard asked Richard if he wanted to hear some of the Leona Helmsley bits they created. Richard remained silent. He eventually broke his silence and asked Howard if he wanted the check for the tapes made out to him or to cash. Howard said he'd take it as cash.
Howard said Richard always runs out like he's running off the show even though it's really just time for him to leave. He said he wishes that he would spend more time there with them. He had Robin read through a few more stories and then read some info they got on the hotel stories they heard earlier. There were reports about people doing things like peeing in the ice machine at the hotel and things like that. That led to Howard talking more about the video tape he was selling and saying that the tape is really great but he doesn't want people to think he's hawking it just to sell something. He said it's really a great tape and he thinks that people will really like it.
Howard tried to call Rudy Giuliani's office to let him know that he was going to back him in the election. He made the call and got into the press office who put him through to the campaign manager. Howard said he wanted to talk to Rudy himself but he wasn't sure if that was going to happen. He got the press office again and asked who he could talk to that was the top person there. The woman who answered said that person was on his way in. Howard said he wanted to make an announcement about who he was going to back and she said that she didn't know what to say. Howard wondered why Rudy hadn't called him to thank him for his support. She said that she would put him on if he was there. Howard said he might just call someone else if they don't give him some recognition.
The press woman told Howard that Rudy was on his way to an event and he couldn't call in. Howard asked her if she had ordered her video yet. He plugged the tape again and told her how quick he could get it to her within 4-6 weeks if she ordered today. Gary said that she might want to let Rudy know that he can stop in on the show if he's up at the Spanish station there. She said she'd let him know.
Howard told the woman that they should be doing anything they could to get someone higher up to call into the show so he can give his endorsement. She said that she didn't have a way to get in touch with the campaign manager, he was on his way in though. She said she could go see who else was there so Howard had her do that. She disappeared for a few minutes and then came back and told Howard that they really didn't have anyone there for him to talk to. He figured that no one knew how to respond to his call. She said that there was hardly anyone there and he should call back in a short time and ask to talk to Peter Powers the campaign manager. Howard let her go a short time later. He had Robin get back to her news.
Howard took some phone calls and one woman asked if she could get some Rolling Stones tickets. He told her she had to rub her phone up against her breasts but she had no idea what he was talking about. Howard told her she could also win if she took off all of her clothes and farted some Stones songs. Fred played some fart sounds to help her out. Howard hung up on her.
Howard called into the Giuliani campaign office again and asked to speak to Peter Powers the campaign manager. He was transferred and a woman picked up but didn't sound so thrilled to be talking to him. Another woman picked up so Howard asked to speak to Peter Powers again. They eventually got Ken Caruso who was as close as they were going to get. Howard told Ken he was representing about 2 million voters in this election. Ken said he was actually listening to the show on his way into work this morning. Howard said he must have heard about his new video tape and wanted to order it then. Ken sounded shocked when he heard that it was $29.95 though.
Howard gave his pitch and asked why he can't get a call back from Rudy himself. Howard spent a few minutes telling Ken why he wants to back Rudy in this election. He doesn't think that Dinkens should win because of some of the stuff he'd done. He and Ken spent a few minutes talking about Dinkens and about the backing of Rudy for Mayor. Howard said he will back him but it would be nice if they called to thank him for that. Howard was coming up with some campaign slogans like ''Giuliani is great, Dinkens is a pussy'' and things like that. He let Ken go a short time later and told him not to forget who put them over the top. Howard said he figured that they'd never hear from them again after that call.
Howard got back to the Giuliani thing and said that they had just entered the political race. Gary told him that they should have backed Dinkens because he'll probably win and they could get him on the show if they hadn't backed Giuliani.
Howard said he likes that show ''Doodie Houser'' but he missed it last night. Robin said he would have liked the episode because it was pretty funny. Howard was going to wrap up the show but wondered where Meg Griffin was and why she wasn't coming in. Gary went out to find out what was going on so Robin read another news story.
Meg showed up a minute later and said that she was kind of mad at him about something. Howard wondered why that was. She said that she came in to do her thing the other day but Sam Kinison and his entourage were there and she didn't want to come into the whole thing. She said there were about 900 sleezoids in there at the time and she wasn't happy about that. She said she was upset about that because she just wanted to do her thing. She said it was hard to deal with all of the bimbos that were in there. Howard told her that those bimbos are what get him ratings.
Howard talked to Meg about why she supports Dinkens. She said she trusts him more than Giuliani. Meg kept complaining about what went on the other day when Sam was there and how upset she was with all of that stuff. She was saying that Howard encourages people to have sex, do drugs and possibly get diseases. Howard said he doesn't endorse that stuff, he just had some guests on the show. Howard said she seems to have a warped sense of logic. He wondered why she cares so much about that stuff. She said that she thinks that Howard will do just about anything to get ratings and doesn't care that people are doing crack there.
Meg said that she's against Sam Kinison and his lifestyle so Howard asked her why she's not against guys like The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Ramones, The Who and others because they did the same kind of thing she was accusing Sam of doing. Howard said that's not right. Meg said that Howard will do anything for a dollar. She said she will get upset when she sees that kind of stuff going on in the hallways there. She also said that it's like Dante's inferno in his studio.
Meg was going off on Howard but he was making her laugh while she was doing that. She said she hates coming into the studio after they do those type of shows because it literally stinks in there. Howard said he thinks she's way off on that whole thing. He kept bringing up the stuff that her rock bands used to do and how it's a double standard to take it out against Sam.
Howard played the voice mail that Joey Ramone left for Gary one time when he was completely drunk. He said he doesn't see the difference between that and what Sam was doing. He spent a couple more minutes with her going back and forth on the Sam Kinison thing. He said that they should have Leslie West call in to talk to her because he spent a half hour talking to him about her the other day.
Leslie West called in a minute later and said that this was the best radio with Meg in 4 years. Leslie asked her if she thinks that Sam is forcing those girls into that stuff. Meg said she never said that. He told her that if she had come into the studio when Sam was in there, she could have gotten huge ratings with her own show. She wanted nothing to do with that stuff though. Meg said that she doesn't agree with the stuff a lot of entertainers do but she said that those people don't parade it around like Sam Kinison did.
Meg was also goofing on Howard about having that armless, legless woman playing the keyboard with her tongue. Howard said that she was in Dominic Barbara's limo and when he took a right turn at one point, she went flying. She wasn't buckled in. Howard said that Meg is going to end up like a bag lady in 25 years or so. He said he really had to go and told her he had to go write ''Green Acres 1979.'' He ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show asking John to bring in some water for him. He wondered if he could run all of his commercials first thing in the first hour so they wouldn't have any for the rest of the day. Robin told him that might be out of the question and might end up losing their jobs.
Howard said he read that their ratings are up in the Washington DC area and they're getting close to beating the Greaseman. He said it's happening a little slower than he'd hoped but they are going up and they will prevail. He said the word is getting out and there's no way those blowhards down there are going to beat them.
Howard said he got the first videotapes that were produced and they should be shipping next week. Robin said they'll be out in time for Thanksgiving. Howard said they have a rather handsome picture of him on the cover.
Howard took a call from a guy in Washington who said that he had been listening for 3 years. Howard wasn't there that long. Howard said the guy has probably been listening since they got there which was about a year ago. The caller said he's only 16 but he sounded like an old guy to Howard. Howard told him that he sounds like someone he'd be hanging around with.
The kid wasn't as excited as he was at first so Howard asked him what was going on with that. The kid said it must be his phone but Howard figured it was that he'd just realized he was talking to a 16 year old. The kid said he just realized it was Howard and it was kind of surprising to him. Howard thanked him for the call and hung up on him.
Howard said he realized that some of the stuff on this new videotape are kind of dirty. He didn't know it until he watched it with his mother. He took another call and talked about the stuff they had coming up today. They had Jessica Hahn and George Carlin coming in. He said that he and George will talk about the FCC thing.
Howard tried talking to the woman he had on the line but she wasn't listening to his answer and talked over him. Howard hung up on her because of that. He said that if she ordered a videotape, he wants her to send it back. Howard said he was going to take a break and then bring Jessica Hahn in there. He went to break after that.
Jessica said hello to Fred who was hiding behind a wall of carts there in the studio. Howard said he hasn't seen Jessica's breasts live but he has seen them in Playboy. Jessica said that she heard the show with someone spanking a woman on the air. She had to ask the guy driving her around to pull over so she could listen. She said that Howard was making all kinds of sounds and then the girl coming on to him.
Howard said he can't wait to get Jessica and Sam Kinsion back together. She had joked about Sam having sat in that seat that she was in because it felt like someone short had sat there. Howard said he wanted to do a little news before he got into the dial-a-date thing with Jessica. Howard and Robin were talking to Jessica about the type of guy she's looking for. She said she wants someone who isn't a wimp.
Robin got into her news and talked about the knocking down of the Berlin wall. Howard had some tape of that moment that he played. He thought that it was a tape that Robin had made herself. It sounded like people mixing drinks in the background as the wall was being hammered on. Howard interrupted that story to ask Jessica what kind of panties she was wearing. She said she doesn't always wear panties. Howard talked about how he should have ripped her pants off when they were up on stage at an event they did one time. She said she would have died if that had happened. He said he knew that she didn't wear panties back then. He likes to check people out so that's why he wears those dark glasses.
Robin got back to her news. She had some more stuff about the Berlin wall and about the Soviet Union shooting lasers at our troops who are flying over and observing the country. Howard asked Jessica if she knew anything about any of that. Jessica just laughed.
Robin read through some more stories and then Howard had to take another break in the middle of that. Howard told Jessica that she was looking really good today. He said that her nose looked really good and that led to him talking about how he'd like to get one himself. Jessica said that he should get one and she'd hold his hand through the whole thing. She said that the discomfort is mostly from the bandages they stick in your nose. She said that she was having dinner with Hef just 4 days after her surgery.
Howard said he likes that Jessica is going to date one of the guys in their audience. He said that Fred is dating a woman he met on a dial-a-date. She didn't believe that but it was true. Howard asked Jessica what she wants to do with her breasts because she was talking about getting them done. Howard said they looked fine to him but she wanted them lifted a little bit. He asked her to take them out so he could see them. She wasn't taking them out.
Howard said that Jessica shouldn't wear fake nails anymore. He's heard that you can ruin your nails by wearing fake ones. She insisted they were real and not fake. She told Howard that he could get a nose job done no problem. If he went in on a Friday, he'd be back on Monday no problem. Howard went to break after that.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She talked about a woman who killed her kid and ended up getting off by pleading insanity. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Robin had a couple more stories and then wrapped up her news segment.
Howard asked Jessica about this Thunder and Mud special she was part of. She said that she did it but there was an embarrassing moment that she wasn't too thrilled with. That led to Howard talking about doing some oil wrestling one time and didn't know what to do so he just got the hell out of it. He said that the girls wrestling together turned him on because it looked like something lesbian was going on. He said he wanted to take a break and then get into the dial-a-date thing with Jessica.
Howard said that Jessica is going to be going out with one of the audience members and that's going to be a pretty good notch in the belt of the guy who gets that. He said that it's possible that Jessica would sleep with a guy from the audience. He said he figures there's a 70 percent chance that she'd do something like that.
Howard asked Fred if his dial-a-date girl's name is on his mortgage or anything. Fred said that she's not and she does kick in some money once in a while. Jessica said that there has to be a few rules about not taping the date and stuff like that. Howard said that all of the phone lines went dead after the callers heard that there were rules.
Howard told Jessica he had guys on the phone but asked her if she wanted to get into some spanking with him. She wanted to get to the phones instead. She wanted to take things slowly and said that she'd rather start out rubbing his back a little and work into that other stuff slowly.
Howard went to the phones to find out what kind of guys they had wanting to date Jessica. Captain Janks was the first one on the line. He said he'd like to do the dial-a-date thing. He even had a poem for Jessica. Howard told him that it was going to take a half hour to play so he might not have time to do it. Janks said he had time and he was going to play. Howard put him on hold and took some more calls.
Howard went through a bunch of calls trying to find some guys to participate in the dial-a-date. He told Jessica to come over to him so he could massage her. He had her over by him and had her legs up in the air. Jessica said that Howard is really good at massaging. Howard asked some callers if they wanted to date Jessica. The callers that didn't get to it quick enough were hung up on.
Howard had a lawyer on the line who said that he's a lawyer and makes about $52,000 a year but he's only 26 years old. Howard said that she might want to think about this one. Howard put him on hold and went to some more calls. He found a guy who sounded a little odd so he hung up on him. The next guy claimed to be an M.D. So Robin asked him some medical questions. The guy said he's actually a surgeon and he makes over $100,000 a year. Jessica seemed like she was kind of interested in that guy playing the game.
Jessica was telling Howard about some of the stuff that she's done with guys in the past. She said that she used to get dressed up for a guy she was going out with. Howard threw in Jim Baker's name as a joke during that discussion. Howard asked her if she ever got spanked. She said she didn't but Howard figured she had. He wanted to spank her himself and asked her what she wanted to be spanked with. She didn't say but he found out that she may have been tied up by a guy she was with. She also said that she and Jim Baker did some stuff in a baptismal room one time. Jessica said that she felt really bad doing what she did with him.
Howard put the doctor on hold and said that they were going to do some spanking when they got back from break. He went to commercial break right after that.
Howard told Jessica that she could spank him and even pull down his pants to do it. He told her he'd then do a role reversal and spank her. Jessica said she didn't want to be spanked on the air. She said she did yesterday but today she wasn't into it.
Howard told Jessica what to do since she seemed to be clueless about exactly what to do. Howard asked her what she was going to use to spank him, a Frisbee or her hand. She was going to do it with the Frisbee but changed her mind. She was closing her eyes and didn't want to look at him with his pants down. She said she's never done this before and asked Fred and Jackie to turn around so they wouldn't see. Stuttering John came into the studio so Howard yelled at him to get out of there.
Jessica said that Howard was wearing powder blue underwear and he wasn't peanut sized down there. Howard was over her lap in his underpants and couldn't believe it. He said he's 35 years old with 2 kids and he's over her lap getting spanked. He told her to go ahead and say ''Howard you've been a bad boy!'' and to humiliate him until he makes in his pants. She started spanking him a short time later. She was giving him some whacks on his ass but then started to get upset when she thought about him spanking her. She didn't want him to get mad at her and sounded upset about it. She asked him to do something different.
Howard said that they could have both been in their underwear but she ruined the whole thing and humiliated him. He said he was embarrassed by the whole thing. He asked Jessica if she wanted to do it or not. She told him to do something else and use his imagination. He said that she really doesn't want or love him like she claims she does. He said that he's only shared that stuff with one other woman. She just blew her chance.
Jessica said she might be able to do it if the lights were off in the studio. Howard told the guys to turn the lights off real quick. They did that and Howard told her to hurry up and get on his lap. She didn't want anyone coming into the studio while she was doing it. Howard said that they'll make sure no one comes in. She was hesitating saying she didn't know if she could do this. She kept going back and forth trying to decide so it was taking a little bit of time. Howard said that she seems to be very inhibited but she did pose for Playboy.
Jessica eventually said she was going to do it but it was getting late and Howard had to take another commercial break. Howard gave up on her and said that she was being a big baby. He wanted to share that moment with her but she blew it. She said that she still wanted to do it so Howard called her over again and she got over his legs. He was going to pull her pants down but she was writhing around on his legs and got up. He said it was too hard to take her pants off so she said that he was too afraid to do it. He told her to get back over there and he'd take her pants off. She went back over and asked to just stand there instead of getting on his lap. Howard told her to go back and sit down.
Howard said that she seemed to want some romance but it wasn't happening there. He took his pants off for her but she wouldn't do the same for him. He humiliated himself in front of everyone for her but she didn't want to do the same for him. Jessica said she had her pants down but Howard said they really weren't. The two of them argued a little bit about that and Howard threw out Sam Kinison's name during the arguments. She didn't like that he had done that and didn't want him taking Sam's side. He'd said that he sees why Sam fell asleep inside of her after all of this. She sounded a little upset by that comment. Jessica was still trying to negotiate with Howard for what he wanted her to do. He still wanted to spank her but she wanted to do something special instead of doing something that he'd done the day before.
Howard moved on to the second caller and asked him what he does for a living. He's a lawyer and explained what he does in that position. Howard said he hates lawyers and the unnecessary litigation they get involved with. Howard was still upset with Jessica about what she didn't do earlier. She said that she'd take her top off and leave it off for the rest of the show. He seemed up for that but George Carlin was there waiting to come in so Howard said that maybe they can have him in and give Jessica a break. Howard told Jessica to go take a break for a half hour or so and he'd have her back in after George Carlin.
George said that this place was new since the last time he was on. Howard said that it was about a step above the last place. He went on to talk to George about the Jim Baker/Jessica Hahn thing. They spent a few seconds on that and then talked about last night's Letterman. George said he was on with some animals from Columbus and some woman from ''30 Something'' who he didn't know.
Howard said that George was there today to promote a show he's doing at Westbury Music Fair. They talked about that a little bit and then got into some discussion about the FCC. Howard said he just got his second letter from the FCC. He said that he can't even say penis on the show now because that's what they're fining him over. He was talking about a guy playing the piano with his penis and got fined for that.
Howard said he was reading about George doing the Tonight Show and how he was embarrassed by just one episode that he did when he was high. George said that didn't sound right because he's always smoked pot and he probably did just one episode sober.
Howard said he had to take another break before finishing up with George. He said that they could spend a little more time with George and then get back to Jessica Hahn. He ended up talking more about the FCC with George because he was involved with the seven dirty words thing. Howard said that those words don't mean anything to anybody and they don't hurt anyone if people hear them. He said he uses those words all the time and he doesn't know of anyone who doesn't, other than his mom maybe. He and George talked about that stuff for a short time and then George was saying that he was brought up to respect certain people like guys in sports and guys in the military and those guys use that kind of language all the time. He said that it's time for the government to get off his back already.
Howard asked George about cheating and if he does that anymore. George said that he doesn't do that anymore, he was only doing that when he was in a weird position in his life. He said that he never really got into the whole threesome thing either. He said he'd always be worried about what the other woman was doing.
Howard said that Sam Kinison was on the show the day the Rolling Stone came out with George's interview in it. He said some nice things about Sam in the article and he knows that Sam really appreciated that. Howard gave George some plugs for his upcoming comedy show and talked to him about some other stuff he's working on. George said he's working on a TV show that he's hoping to make happen. He said that should be good and it won't be like ''Honey I'm Home.''
Howard spent a couple more minutes with George but George had to get going so Howard let him go. George was getting ready to leave when he saw Jackie in the studio. He said he loves Jackie and didn't know that was him sitting there. He said he was sorry he didn't recognize him. He said he used to call his joke line and loved the jokes he told. They swapped care packages with each other at one point. Howard said Jackie finally knows someone. He always claims that he knows people but this is the first time it actually worked out for him. Howard said that Jackie was throwing his Jokeman cup in his face the whole time.
Jackie thanked Howard for introducing him to George. Howard said that you wouldn't even know Jackie was in comedy if he didn't have George recognize him. He goofed on Jackie for a short time after that. They were also talking about how great George Carlin is.
Robin told Howard that he was brought up on the evening news last night. One of the local channels was doing a ''radio wars'' report about the stations there in New York. She said that they had a story about Jim Kerr and why he wasn't at WPLJ anymore. He claimed that they wanted to go in a new direction and that's why he was fired. Howard said you don't get fired if you have good ratings. Robin gave Howard some of the details of the report before Howard had Jessica Hahn come back in.
Howard said that Jessica just showed them to him like she really wanted to do that. She said she doesn't really show anyone, other than in Playboy. Howard said they looked right to him and told her to leave them alone. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said that things were getting very sexual in there today. He said that Jessica has never shown those things to anyone before, other than Sam.
Howard got the lottery winner guy on the phone and asked him a few questions about going out with Jessica. The guy sounded very interested in going out with her. He said he won the lottery last year after playing the same numbers for 7 years in a row. He said he didn't even find out right away because he wasn't watching that closely. He jokingly said he wet his pants when he found out he'd won. Jessica said she doesn't need another one of those guys referring to Sam Kinsion's little incident when he crapped himself in the hotel room he was staying in one time.
The caller said that he just carried the ticket around with him in his work shirt like it was no big deal. He said he's purchased a house with the money and he gets about $75,000 a year over 20 years as the payoff. Howard said that's ridiculous that they knock it down that far because of taxes and stuff. The guy said that he makes about $35,000 in his regular job so he's bringing in about 100 grand a year. Howard said that's not too bad.
Jessica said that she'd want the guy to be tested to make sure he doesn't have AIDS or anything. She asked him if he's been with a lot of women. He said it's about 50 women and she thought that was a little high. Howard said that she's been with a lot of guys too. She said that it's not more than 10 that she can come up with. She said that it's more like 6. Howard said that was hard to believe but she insisted that it was right around that many. She said she loves to be loved but it's not that many guys. She said it's definitely under 10.
Howard went through a bunch of names of people he knew that Jessica had been with and he came up with 6 himself. She said that she was with some guys for a long time so there weren't a lot more. That led to Jessica talking about how she saw two guys together having sex one time. She said that they're good looking guys who aren't famous. She said she was in a hotel room with them and they were doing some publicity for this movie she was going to see. She said that she's not even sure if they're gay or not.
Jessica said she told them to wait for her at the hotel room and when she went over to get them, they were laying down in the bed naked together watching a movie. They told her that it was just a joke that they were playing on her but she's not sure about that. Howard said that maybe they weren't gay, they just wanted her to get naked and get in bed with her. He asked her why she didn't just jump into the bed with them. She must not have been thinking like that at the time.
Howard told Jessica it was very nice of her to show him her breasts. He said that was the nicest thing she could have done for him. He told her that he had to take a break and then they'd go over the dial-a-date thing and have her decide. The break must have been edited out because Howard then asked her to make her decision. They did a quick review of who they had spoken to on the phone earlier. Jessica wanted some help picking a guy but Howard told her she had to decide for herself. She wondered what Janks was like, she knew that Howard had met him. Howard said that he's okay but he said it shouldn't matter what he thinks.
Jessica said that the 26 year old was younger than her and that might be weird. She said that she was going to go with the truck driver/lottery winner guy. Howard got him on the line and gave him the good news. He told the guy that should be good news for him and his buddies should be impressed. Howard told the guy that Gary is going to chaperone the date. Jessica asked that he go to the doctor and get tested just in case something may happen. She said that she has to be there at the doctor's office to see the test results.
Howard asked the guy what his name was. His name was Pat so Howard asked if it's ''Pat McGroin'' and got a laugh out of the guy. Then the guy said that he wanted to get in a plug for his band. Jessica asked what he played. He plays bass. They spent a couple more minutes on that before Howard put the guy on hold.
The guys told Jessica that picking the bass player may have been the wrong choice. They said that the bass player always thinks about how he could have been a lead guitar player if he could just play more than one string at a time.
Howard asked the guys if they were going to be singing on their show. They said they weren't but Howard told them they should because they can still sing. They did a little bit of stuff but one of the guys ended up cursing.
Howard had the two of them performing a song for him and tried singing along with them. That didn't last very long so Howard asked them to sing something else. They didn't want to get into that stuff and said that playing the old stuff makes people get sick of what you play. Howard said that doesn't matter, if it was him, he'd be playing the old stuff all the time.
Howard asked Robin if she had any other news stories to read today. She had a couple more to go through. She read one about Todd Bridges court case. They talked about that for a short time. Robin went through a couple of other things before they ended the show. Howard wrapped up with Flo and Eddie after that. He spent a couple of minutes talking to them before letting them go and ending the show. He played a song parody about Kitty Dukakis as they ended the show around 9:35am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started the show talking about all of the stuff he had to play on the show today. He had some gay records to play but he told Gary to save those for Monday. He said they're on cassette so he has to transfer them to reel to reel to play them in the studio.
Howard was also talking about the lame morning shows that have to pay for the bits they play in the morning. He talked about the shows that syndicate their lame stuff and asked Robin if she wanted to hear the bit he and the guys knocked off. Robin asked what it was about. Howard told her to just listen to it. It was a promo for something.
Howard played the bit which was a parody of a Pete Fornatel (a DJ on K-Rock) commercial. Howard was doing the voice of Pete in the commercial.
Stuttering John gave Howard his hot water but Howard complained that it was microwaved water and he doesn't like microwaved water. John claimed that it came from the deli but Howard didn't believe it. John told him he was a nut when he insisted it was microwaved.
Howard complained about John taking the covers off and asked someone else who took them off. Robin said the cups weren't from there so they must have been from someplace else. Howard told him not to take the covers off. John told him he needs therapy.
Howard said he doesn't like microwaved water because it tastes funny. Robin agreed with him on that. John just laughed at them and argued. Howard told John he's nothing to him if he screws up his water. He said that John is the guy who turned down a $20,000 a year job to work for free there on the show.
Howard told John he's going to lose his powers if he drinks that water. Howard told him to bring in another covered water so he could see if it was actually from the deli. Ernie the Intern brought one in for him and it was covered. John actually bought 4 of them and only gave him 2. Howard said that he wants him to buy them throughout the show so they're hot. John said he can nuke the other two when they get cold. Howard told him to do what he wants.
Howard said John got pulled over again and he saved him from a ticket. Howard told him not to mess with his routine or he'll lose his powers. He told John to get out of there. He said John is a nut and John shouldn't be analyzing him.
Howard said he wants boiled water and not microwaved water. Howard said the water tastes different when it's microwaved. He said it takes on different properties when you microwave it. He said he's studied that and he knows.
Howard said he wanted to replay the Dicky Goodman bit they played yesterday but one woman didn't like it and that made him think twice about it.
Howard had Robin get to her news after that. Robin read about it being ''A Day Without Art'' day. She a story about a 14 hour long sex tape between janitors at a business. It was caught on a security camera. That led to Howard talking about how busy Ted the Janitor would be at K-Rock and how he didn't have time to have sex. Howard also mentioned that Ted the Janitor would clean the toilets with the toilet brush. He said that he'd just swish it around on the seat with the toilet water. Howard said they've found some gross stuff at the station there too. He said that he's seen nose hairs and finger nail clippings. They spent a short time on that and then Howard said he had to take a break.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked about how he doesn't think that the sales people there like him. He said he's okay with that though because he likes the black women to be afraid of him. He talked about how wild it must have been back in the days of slave masters. He said that they could go out and buy some hot slaves and then have them get down on all fours and be a human ottoman. He said he's not saying it was right but it is kind of fascinating. He said he can think of some hot chicks he would have liked to have had. He mentioned a few hot black chicks he would have been into buying back then. Howard said he'd have guys like Leonard Marshall working on the farm. He said he could have someone like Gary Coleman as his comedy relief.
Howard said he'd like to see what Emanuel Lewis looks like now. He said Michael Jackson used to carry that guy around on his hip. He said that dude is weird. Howard said he read Diana Ross' book and she talked about how strange he was getting the facial surgery so he'd look like her.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a doctor who was doing gynecological exams on patients and he'd end up having sex with them after turning out the lights. Robin said this one woman told her husband and he called the police. Robin said the doctor had some other sexual misconduct charges against him as well.
Robin read a story about a woman who was caught as a madam there in the city. Robin read about her and said that she has pleaded guilty. Robin said she got a 1 year suspended sentence. The woman isn't sure what she's going to do and she may get kicked out of her apartment by Leona Helmsley who owns the building she's in.
Gary told Howard their guests were there so they had to move on to that. Robin said she wanted to do a couple more stories before they came in. She quickly read a couple before they had to take a break.
Howard said he had two legends of music there so he had them come in. Howard kept their names secret so the audience could try and guess who they were. Howard said he wanted to have some fun with the audience.
Howard said the joke that the caller told was ''What's the worst part about having sex with your sister? Breaking the crib.'' Howard said that's a sick caller. He said he's sick of the Cardinal calling in with jokes like that.
Howard said he was watching Entertainment Tonight and they had this woman on, Terry Ricolta, who wrote some letters to advertisers who were advertising on Married with Children because she didn't think the show was appropriate for her kids. Howard said the idiot couldn't just turn the TV off. He said they show her watching TV and writing stuff down on a piece of paper.
Howard said that woman needs a weekend with a rock star. He got back to his guests and talked about how great they are. He said that they've done some great albums but he still wasn't saying who they were. Howard said he thinks that the Beatles actually stole from these guys. Howard said they might agree with that.
Howard took some calls to see if the audience could figure out who they were. One guy guessed they were White Lion. Another guy guessed they were The Kinks. One guy said they were Jerry and the Pacemakers. Howard said he might have to give some clues. Howard said that it rhymes with Roody Blues. The callers still didn't get it right. Someone finally got it right when he said it was the Moody Blues.
Howard said they had Justin Hayward and John Lodge from the Moody Blues there. Howard said he didn't have all of the Moody Blues there, just the main stars. He said the others were just too moody.
Howard asked the guys who write the songs and they said that they do. Howard said he was really into the Moody Blues when he was a kid. He said that they were there to promote their greatest hits package. He gave them some plugs for that. Howard talked about his youth when he was doing drugs and listening to the Moody Blues.
Howard asked the guys about the Beatles ripping them off. The guys weren't saying that they were ripped off but Howard was saying that they were and giving examples of how they were ripped off. The guys weren't saying anything about that. Robin said they don't seem to hold a grudge.
Howard said the guys have been on the show before and he got really positive feedback about them. Howard said he wanted them to jam on the show after taking a break.
After an edited out break Howard came back and Justin and John were tuning up as they prepared to play some stuff for Howard. Howard let them tune up and spent some more time talking to them as they were doing that. He had to take another break in the middle of all of that.
After another edited out break Howard came back and talked to the guys about writing a score for the movie he's working on. He said he'd talk to them about that later. Howard talked to the guys about where they live and things like that. He found out about their families and stuff like that too. They were still getting ready to play some music so Howard moved on to that.
Howard asked the guys to play something and they were going to start off with ''Tuesday Afternoon.'' They played the whole song. After that Howard spent some more time talking to them. Howard told them they don't need the other guys in the band and they could go out on their own. They said they like the other guys but they have done some stuff without them.
Gary came in and told Howard the guys had to go to Good Day New York after this. Howard thanked them for coming in and started to wrap up with them. He asked them a few more questions about how they write their songs and then wrapped up and let them go.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about how his grandmother liked his video tape that he just put out. Howard talked about that a little bit. That led to them talking about the guys penises on the show and how Howard has seen all of the guys on the show. Howard said he saw Jackie at Club Bene and Fred in the urinal stall in the bathroom. Howard had seen Gary's too. He said Gary is the biggest out of the four of them.
Howard said Fred is bigger than he is. Howard said he is the smallest of the guys. He said he has a theory about why he's so small. He said he thinks that when he was like 7 or 8 he had his cousin at his house and the cousin dug his hand into his genitals kind of punching him. He said that he got pushed and it really hurt. He said he thinks that retarded the growth of the penis. Robin laughed at that theory.
The caller asked if he had any posters out that he could get for ordering a bunch of tapes. Howard said that the tapes are good enough and there are no posters to give away.
Howard asked Richard if he did Letterman the night before. Richard said he was doing it that night. Howard wondered what's going on with Letterman because he hasn't had him on lately. Richard said Dave was in reruns the other night.
Howard asked Richard if he heard his Dicky Goodman bit. Richard said he didn't even know who Dicky Goodman was. Howard tried to explain it to him but then Richard remembered who he was.
After an edited out break Howard came back and asked Richard to back off from him. He was sitting too close. Howard asked Richard who he had with him. Richard said he brought this guy with him and Howard said he should put a bag over his head.
Richard told Howard his TV show did well in the ratings last week. Howard said he doesn't even need to go out to do comedy with that.
Howard said that he was watching some of the U.S. Open and he heard that John McEnroe was a fan of the show so he was thinking how cool it would be if he did the show.
Howard said he saw Dennis Miller on TV and he saw him and his new wife pushing each other around joking with each other. Howard said Dennis actually dumped them and stopped coming on the show. Howard said he and Dennis were kind of close for a little while but now the guy seems to hate him.
Howard ended up talking about David Letterman and his old girlfriend Merryl Marco. He said that she was ugly and she once asked his wife how she could be married to him. Howard said he wanted to ask Dave why he was with such an ugly woman.
Howard talked more about Dennis Miller and why he stopped doing the show. Howard said he asked Dennis about his ex-wife and he got all upset with him for doing that.
After another edited out break Howard came back and talked about Richard's girlfriend and how cute she was. Howard also asked Richard what he was doing in town. Richard said he was there to do Letterman. He said he's doing some other shows too.
Howard asked Richard about his TV show but Sam Kinison showed up a short time later so they got sidetracked. Sam came in and said he's heard some stuff about Richard's show. He said he's heard rumors. Howard asked Sam to get on mic and talked to him about the nail he had painted black. Howard said that's a Satan thing but Sam said it's not. Howard told him to tell the truth. Sam went along with that and did his Satan impression.
Howard told Sam that Richard thinks that he has too much talent to be arguing with the other comedians he argues with. Howard said that Richard spilled some of his drink and then his headphones fell off while Sam was doing his thing. He's been having trouble ever since he came into the studio.
Sam asked Richard what he thinks of Seinfeld and if he thinks he's in the top 10 comedians of their generation. Richard didn't have an answer for him.
Howard told Sam that Jessica Hahn is upset with him. Sam said he thought they were over all of that stuff. Howard said that's apparently not the case.
Howard asked Sam to lead them in a Satanic ritual to give Paul Reiser cancer since he ripped off Richard Lewis. Sam wasn't sure he could do that. They goofed around with that for a short time.
Howard said he heard that Sam's version of Mississippi Queen was coming out as a single. Sam said he brought it in for him to play on the show. Howard had to hand it off to Gary to get it put on reel to reel so he could play it in the studio.
Howard had to take another break in the middle of all of that. During the break Howard was doing a live commercial. Gary told Howard that Leslie West was on the phone but he wanted to talk to him off the air. Howard and Sam both said they love Leslie. They went to commercial break after that.
Howard said he's going out to see Sam play. He said Jackie is coming too. Sam said he wants Jackie to open up for them. He told Jackie to call his manager to make sure that's okay.
Howard told the guys he's thinking about getting a nose job. Sam said he likes that nose. He said that he looks like a cross between Alan Alda and The Ramones.
Howard had the Jessica Hahn tape to play but Sam wanted him to play the Mississippi Queen song he did. Sam said that this is the radio debut of the song and he's probably breaking laws playing it.
Howard played Sam's version of Mississippi Queen. Sam had changed the lyrics to make the song about himself and Jessica Hahn but he didn't mention Jessica's name in it.
After playing the song Howard said it was a real anti-Jessica song. Sam said that it can be interpreted that way. Sam said they're going to make a video for the song sometime in December.
Howard said they have to pray that Paul Reiser gets cancer and that the album does well. He and Sam did that quickly and then Howard said he had to take another break.
Dominic Barbara called in to talk about Sam's song and how Jessica was going to sue over that. Howard said that Dominic doesn't even represent her anymore and Sam didn't mention her name in the song anyway. Howard said that Dominic must have been joking and hung up on him before he even got to say anything.
Howard played the tape where Jessica was on the phone with him and said that Sam had crapped himself in a hotel room with her. Jessica talked about how she had to clean up after him. Sam was freaking out and said that this means war to him. Howard played more of the tape of Jessica and Sam went off on her saying that she should be in jail right next to Baker. He said that he thinks that she made up that story for the show.
Howard played more of the audio and Sam wasn't even sure what she was saying he did. Howard hinted that he had crapped himself. Sam thought she was making it all up because he didn't remember it. He said she's a sick pig and all of this stuff she's saying about him is bull. He said that Jessica talked about him falling asleep inside of her and that should tell you what kind of woman she is. He said she's not only going to hell but she has reserved seats.
Howard said he thought that Sam was going to call in the next day about that. Sam said he wanted to wait to come in and talk about that. He said she should have thrown that out at him in the past on the show. He said she had to be making it up.
Howard asked Richard if he had ever had two women at the same time. Richard said he hadn't and told Howard to just play the rest of the Jessica stuff.
Howard played more of Jessica talking about that incident and she claimed she cleaned the carpet with Windex. Howard said they don't know if the story is true or not and they just went with whatever it was she was saying. Sam said he'd like to know how she didn't get into trouble over the stuff she's done. He said hat she gives bad head too. Howard told him he can't say that on the air.
After another edited out break Howard got back to Sam and said that he's been going to the bathroom for the past 5 minutes just like Jessica described. He said that they need some binding food for him to lock him up some. Howard did his live commercials and then came back to the show.
Howard played some audio of DJ Meg Griffin talking about why she won't come in the studio after Sam has been there. In the clip Meg talked about how disgusting she finds Sam and how she thinks that he's going out and doing things that can spread disease and can kill people. Meg said she thinks Howard will do anything to get ratings on his show. They tried arguing with Meg but she was saying that she doesn't like what Sam stands for. Sam was interrupting and talking about what she was accusing him of and saying that the people that she's fans of are doing the same kind of thing.
Howard had to ask Sam to be quiet during that clip since he was interrupting. He played more of it and Meg was going off on Sam and on Howard for having Sam in there. She said she thinks that it stinks and it's like Dante's inferno in the studio at times. Howard backed Sam up and said that he's one of the most talented comedians in the country.
Howard said that clip went on and on. Sam said that she was way out of line. He said that he's the Jackie Gleason of the 1990s and if he was wrong then he's wrong too. Howard said he took care of his buddy Sam. He said that Sam likes to party and be with women like any rock star that Meg idolizes.
Howard and Sam went off on Meg for a few minutes talking about her double standards. Howard said she worships rock stars and they do the same kind of things that Sam does. Howard said she might be a bit confused.
Howard gave Richard some more plugs since he had to get going. Richard said he had to go to the doctor. Howard said that Jessica Hahn did something nice for him. He told Sam she showed him her breasts. Sam said that's fine now but in a few years they'll start looking bad when they start sagging.
Howard talked to Sam about Richard's TV show and what he thinks he's making on that. Sam said he's no dummy so he's probably doing very well with that. They spent a short time on that but Richard said he had to get going. Sam goofed on him about that and said that he's like Richard Belzer trying to get out of there so he can go make 100 bucks over at a comedy club.
Howard let Richard go and got back to Sam. They talked about Sam doing a show and how he wanted Jackie to open for him. Jackie said he would do that for free for him. Sam said he's going to pay him for that.
Howard said he made a new record too. He played the Dicky Goodman tribute that he had played a couple of times that morning. Sam was laughing at the bit. He didn't know who Dicky Goodman was though.
Howard said he didn't know that Sam didn't know about the Jessica Hahn tapes. Sam said he heard about it the day before. He said he hadn't heard about her doing that until then.
Howard gave Sam some plugs for the show he was doing and then asked Robin if she had anymore news to read. She had a few more stories to go through. Sam stuck around to comment on the news she was reading. Robin went through a bunch of quick stories. She had some audio clips for Howard to play and Sam was pretending to fall asleep. Howard said he was informed they had to leave so he had to ask Robin to wrap up the news. Howard ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show asking Robin if she wanted them to do 'As the Barbecue Turns'' She said that would be good but Howard had to take a break first.
After the break Howard said that Stuttering John was out interviewing Paul McCartney. He said they'd be playing that stuff later in the show. He moved on to their third edition of their soap opera ''As The Barbecue Turns.'' He played the audio where they had Janie the Cleaning Lady, Ted the Janitor and Billy West acting out a scene where Billy was playing the part of Mayor Dinkins.
After the bit Robin was telling Howard about one of her favorite parts in the bit. She didn't know what Billy was saying at that point so Howard told her that he was referring to Mike and Ike candy. She thought he was making up a word.
Howard took some phone calls and asked the fans what they thought about the bit. The couple of fans that got through seemed to like it. He sadi he had to take a break a short time later but ended up talking about Chuck Wollery and how he used to use the sign off ''We'll be back in 2 and 2'' when he'd go to commercial break. Howard said he thinks the guy did that just to show off that big Rolex he wore.
Howard brought up this guy John Gambling who started up a show there that he eventually handed over to his son. He said he was watching MTV the night before and saw that Jason Bonham, the son of the drummer from Led Zeppelin, has his own song out now and it sounds kind of Led Zeppelin like. He thought it was kind of cool so he wanted to play it for Robin. He said the kid kind of pulled it off by taking over his father's business, kind of like the Gambling kid did.
Howard played the song for Robin and said it sounds kind of like a Zeppelin tribute band but people seem to like what he's doing. Robin seemed to like the song and said she had probably heard it but just assumed that it was a Led Zeppelin song. Howard read some notes about Jason Bonham and ended up getting back on the subject of MTV a short time later.
Howard was goofing on some of the former MTV VJs who have gone on to do nothing with their careers. Gary came in and told Howard that he had a guy on the phone who could burp really rapidly. Howard said he'd get to him after taking a break.
Howard told Gary to get Leona Helmsley (Billy West) on the phone so he could talk to her. He and Robin talked about her for a short time since she was in the news after getting sentenced to some jail time. Howard and Robin brought up some details about Leona and her husband and talked about the stuff they had read about in the news.
Howard talked about Cindy Adams backing Leona Helmsley in her court battle. She writes positive stuff about her in her column. Howard said they had Leona (Billy West) on the phone so he went to her but Billy was in his own voice so Howard hung up on him and told Gary to get Leona on again.
Leona was crying when Howard picked up the phone. Howard thought he was laughing but Billy put no his Leona voice and said that she was crying. Howard questioned ''Leona'' about her court case and tried to find out what that was like for her. Leona continued to cry and told Howard that Barbara Walters was there for her and so was Cindy Adams. She called Cindy a fat pig and said that she was just trying to get to her.
Robin asked Leona what she thinks it's going to be like in jail. Howard also asked her how things are going at home with her husband Harry. She was telling them how things will go in jail and how she's not going to bother taking a shower for the whole four years she's in there.
Leona said she felt she was being singled out while people like David Dinkins are getting away with the same thing that she got in trouble for. She said that maybe she should have run for mayor herself. Howard wrapped up with Leona a short time later and went to break.
Howard had Robin go through some news stories. She brought up the Leona Helmsley story and talked about that for a little while. Howard got annoyed with the microphones during that story and complained about the engineers there at K-Rock.
Robin went through some other stories but Richard Simmons showed up as Santa. Richard was yelling and saying hello to everyone when he came in. He had to go over and hug Robin but she told him to get away from her. Howard told him he smelled like a Romanian Washer Woman. Richard said he didn't have any fragrance on though. He gave Robin some gifts that he got her for Christmas. He showed her some dolls that he found for her. Howard told him he shouldn't have done that.
Richard came over to Howard and told him about the gifts he got for him and about working at FAO Schwarz helping out there. Richard got a doll for Howard's daughter and said it was a very rare limited edition Barbie doll.
Richard said he was upset about what Howard had done with Leona earlier this morning. He didn't get into too much detail because he was busy showing off more of the gifts that he got for his daughters. Howard asked him if he was nuts. Howard told him he was going to get him something for his dog since he had gotten him stuff for his kids.
Howard told Richard to put on his man voice instead of that effeminate voice. Richard did that a little bit but quickly got back to his regular voice. Howard put Richard's voice into the harmonizer to lower it a bit. Richard wanted him to take it off but he refused. Richard stopped talking so Howard took the harmonizer off for a few seconds. Richard started to talk so Howard put it back on.
Howard asked Richard if he's a virgin or not. Richard didn't want to go there so Howard said he was going to go to break. Richard complained about the belching guy he heard earlier in the morning because that's what he woke up to. Howard told Richard that one of the dolls he got looked like an AIDS baby or an alien. Richard got upset about that so Fred played some baby crying sound effects. That made Richard laugh. Howard thanked Richard for the stuff he got for his kids and said he wanted to call them to have them thank him personally.
Howard asked Richard a personal question which made him start to walk out of the studio. Howard called him back in and asked him about his short shorts and goofed on him about that. Howard had to go to break so he gave Richard some plugs and told him to stick around. Richard was laughing his ass off at the picture of Howard that was on his U.S. Open Sores video tape. He said it was so touched up. Howard told him to take his gifts and get out of there when he said that. Robin told Richard that it was untouched but he didn't believe it.
Richard spent some time talking about these Barbie dolls he got for Howard's kids and said he's had them since he was a little kid. He said he had the dolls before the GI Joe dolls even came out. Howard went to a break but the commercials were cut out for Master Tape Theatre.
Howard had his wife Alison on the phone so she could have the kids thank Richard for the dolls. Emily got on the phone and Richard told her about the doll. Howard told her to say thank you to Auntie Richard. Richard told him to take it back or he was going to walk out. Howard took it back and Richard got a thank you from Debra, who was only 3 years old. Emily got back on the phone and said she was going to sing a song for Richard. She started to sing and Richard said it was very cute.
Howard asked Emily to sing another song for them. She went right into another song that she sings in the car with him. It was a Debbie Gibson song that she knew the lyrics to. Richard said that was his favorite Debbie Gibson song. Richard wished her happy holidays and told her not to eat any candy. Alison got back on the line and Richard told her that Howard was being very insensitive to him. Howard said he wasn't and he had the guys bring in a gift for him.
Richard didn't like the gift they got for him. They had given him some Big Black Stud magazine. He said he was just kidding but Richard was upset over the whole thing. He started to laugh a short time later though. Howard was showing Richard some of the men in the magazine and claimed that Richard was looking. Howard showed him one picture of a woman who was enclosed entirely in rubber. Richard started laughing so hard he wasn't even able to speak.
Richard told Howard about Cindy Adams being on Larry King's show the night before. He said that he didn't think that what Leona did should have gotten her jail time. He said that they shouldn't send a woman that age to jail. They spent some time on the Cindy Adams thing and Richard said he wanted to call her and talk to her about what she said. Howard said he would give Richard her number and let him talk to her since she'd probably hang up on him if he called. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he had Richard's microphone off but it sounded like he was right on mic because he was so loud. Howard tried to figure out who Richard was dating during that. Richard gave them some clues and they were taking guesses at who it might be. Robin guessed that it was Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris) but Richard didn't seem to find that very funny.
Howard gave Richard the phone so he could try and talk to Cindy Adams when they call her. He told Richard he has to ask her if she'll come on the air. Richard listened as the phone rang but there was no answer. Howard said that was good because he didn't want to talk to her anyway.
Gary told Howard that Leslie West of the band Mountain was on the phone to play a song for Richard. Howard said he only had limited time but he put him on anyway. Leslie played some ''Silent Night'' for Richard as Richard was describing what he was seeing as he was hearing the music. He started to sing along with it but Leslie finished up a short time later. Howard told him he had to get going and got back to trying to figure out who Richard was dating.
Richard wished everyone a wonderful and happy season as he was holding Howard's hand. Howard cut him off and asked him about running and walking around with those shorts of his. He said that his genitals must hang out all the time. He said Gary saw him doing sit-ups out in the green room and everything was hanging out. Richard didn't want to talk about that and got in some plugs for his ''Dancing to the Oldies 2'' tape that had just come out.
Howard asked him what he was worth. Richard just got in more plugs for his Deal-A-Meal cards and told Robin to try it out. Richard told Howard that he was some real estate that he owns all over the country. He said his father invested money in that stuff when he was growing up. Howard wanted to know more but Richard didn't want to talk about it that much.
Howard told Richard that Sean Connery had been voted the sexiest man alive so he asked Richard if he believed that. Richard said he was kind of depressed today and couldn't answer that. He then went into a discussion about his brother who is only 5 feet tall and weighed 225 pounds. He said that he has just dropped 65 pounds thanks to his Deal-A-Meal cards.
Howard asked Richard who he's going to leave all of his money to when he's gone. Richard said he has some friends and family that he will leave it to. Howard said he won't be leaving Richard anything in his will. Howard said he had to do some commercial so Richard asked if he could read some of them. Howard gave him some of the copy to read but Richard realized that it was for a weight loss program that Robin had been using. Robin talked about the weight loss program and talked about how much she's lost even though she's been able to eat just about anything she wants.
Howard played some of Richard's work out tape but they had added in some clips of Fred yelling at the fat people in the video so Richard walked out. Howard said that Richard was kind of smelly when he showed up there. He said that Richard is a good guy but he just keeps talking right through the commercials and stuff.
Robin said that Richard was complaining about the stuff that she had said about him but she didn't know what he was talking about. Howard was still annoyed by the microphone he was using because they had changed something. He wanted it changed back.
Howard had Robin get back to her news since that's what she was in the middle of when Richard came in. Robin went through a bunch of various stories before Howard had to take another break.
Howard pretended he didn't know it was Emo until Emo told him who it was. Howard said he thought Emo was banned from the show. Howard said that Emo went on a competitor's show and that's why he was banned but he really doesn't care about that. Howard said he was pissed about Dice going on another show and holding back tickets or something like that.
Howard let Emo get in a plug for an appearance he was making with his girlfriend Judy Tenuta. Howard asked him when he's going to be there on his show. Emo said that he'll do it next time he's in New York. He told Howard that they get some big crowds to come out and see them when he and Judy do shows. Howard asked who goes on first. Emo said that Judy is the one who opens up the show for him. He said she loosens them up and then he goes on and tightens them back up again.
Howard tried to find a woman to talk to on the phones but every caller was a guy. He wasn't able to find one female caller.
Howard mentioned that Steve Leeds from MTV was there at the station but he didn't want to talk to him. He said he's done with MTV and has no desire to talk to him. He said he's not even going to watch MTV anymore. He said he's a comedy channel guy now.
Howard went to the phones again and tried to find some women. It was still all guys calling in though. One guy mentioned the Paul McCartney concert that Howard wanted to talk about. He said he wanted to get into all of that. He said that Stuttering John got an interview and so did Jimmy Fink. He said he was going to wait until the next day to play the Stuttering John interview since it was getting so late in the show.
Howard tried once again to get some women on the phone. He eventually found one who said she wanted to come to his Christmas party but she can't make it because she's having one of her own. He found another woman who said that she had never heard Howard's mother's maiden name before. Howard told her that it was Helmsley, but no relation to Leona. Howard asked her if she wanted to come to his party. She said he wouldn't want her there because she's kind of heavy.
Another woman called in and said that she's 26 years old. She said she can't come to the party because she's had two kids and doesn't want to get naked. She suggested dressing a woman up as a Christmas tree with ornaments hanging off of her. Howard went through a few more calls and found another woman who said she's only 19 but she would like to come in. Howard said there's no law against a 19 year old coming in. She said she would dress up as a Christmas tree and get naked. Howard was still kind of worried about a 19 year old getting him into trouble.
The 19 year old said that she and her friend are good looking. She said she's 5'10'' tall and has B-cups which kind of bummed Howard out. He was hoping for something bigger. Howard asked her if she really wanted to do the Christmas tree thing. She was willing but Howard wanted to get her drunk but everyone told him that she wasn't old enough. Howard said it's no fun if they're not drunk.
Howard let the 19 year old off the phone and had Robin finish up her news. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 9:20am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about how he was going to have his nose done but he pussied out and this was the day before the day he was going to have it done. Robin said that he could have had it over with by now if he had just gone in and done it. Howard said he was going to end the show at 10 and get out of there by 10:15. Robin figured he would have been in a bad mood because he can't eat for 24 hours before the operation.
Howard said that he's not sure why he can't eat before then. Robin said that's because they're afraid that he could aspirate, or vomit, during the operation.
Howard talked to David about interviewing Billy Joel. He said that the guy is kind of weird. He had him on his show back when he was at NBC and he was too cool for the room back then. Robin said that now he has a problem with not being recognized. David told Howard that Billy would probably have nothing but good things to say about him.
Howard said that David has changed since the last time he was in there. He was kissing Billy Joel's ass today. He told him that he likes the ''new you'' but told him to stay back in that corner of the studio.
Howard said that he doesn't dislike Billy Joel but he's not sure if he knows how to act with this new stardom he has. He said that his new song, ''We Didn't Start The Fire,'' is kind of like the ramblings of a mental patient. He said he was watching MTV and some kids were trying to dance to that song and it just wasn't working.
Howard said that he thinks he knows what David's article is going to be like. He's probably going to write what it was like getting up early to see him do his thing and he'll talk about going back and forth with him on the air.
Howard said that he hasn't done anything stupid in front of David yet which is a good thing. He and David talked about what they were going to do about the interview and how David was going to be following him around.
David told Howard what he did with Billy Joel when he did that interview. Howard asked if Christie Brinkley ever took any clothes off. He said that she didn't. He spent a couple more minutes talking to him about that.
Howard said it was weird sitting there with David because he was writing stuff down while they talked. He was afraid of what he might be writing down. He said he wouldn't want his job. Then he said it would be kind of cool to hang out with Billy Joel but he's not sure if he'd want to write about it.
Howard told David what he does most days. He said he wakes up, comes to work after making breakfast and blow drying his hair for about 25 minutes. Then he gets in his limo and comes to work. He said that for the next couple of weeks he's going to be on vacation too. David said that they could do something on the day he comes back to work.
Howard told David about what his day consists of. He explained what he did yesterday. He filled David in on that and David said that it's not so much what he's doing, it's just that Howard is doing it that matters. He said that he's not sure what to have David do while he naps during the day. David said that he has no problem finding something else to do. He talked about some of the stuff he does at home alone and asked David if he wants to watch him masturbate at home. He said that's what puts him to sleep at home. He said that he could use that to knock himself out for his nose operation.
Howard talked about Billy Joel and Christy Brinkley a little more. He said that Billy never would have gotten a girl like that if he wasn't a rock star. He said that he helped her career out a lot when she hooked up with him. Howard said that if he was single he'd only date models and other celebrities. He said that he'd probably be with someone like Michelle Marsh from the local news. He said that she's not a super model but she's hot.
Stuttering John said that he almost got dragged out of there about 4 times. He told Howard that they had some problems there getting press credentials. That led to Howard going off on Mark Chernoff, the Program Director, because he was supposed to get them set up. Gary had something to do with it too. Howard went off on Chernoff for a few minutes.
John told Howard that he eventually got in but then a guard started to drag him out because he didn't have a pass on him. He said that he must have looked like he didn't belong there even though a couple of the other guys didn't have passes either.
Howard talked about how much of a loser John is because he seems to have a black cloud following him around. He said that he's always getting pulled over and pulled out of events that he's sent to. John said that he's the best known intern out there. Howard gave him an intro as if her was on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson being interviewed as the Best Known Intern.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to John about the press conference and said he had to take a break before he got to the audio clips.
John told Howard he got a note from Mark Chernoff right before he was about to ask questions. He showed that to him and Howard got pissed when he read that Mark wanted him to say that he was from the Howard Stern Show and not from K-Rock. Howard said that he should tell Mark that Howard Stern IS K-Rock and he's to say that he's from K-Rock. He said he's going to hang that note up there so he can show what they really think of him there at the station.
Howard did an impression of Mark telling John what to say and goofed on him for a short time. He said that Mark wouldn't have the money to pay Pete Fornatel to work there if he didn't have Howard Stern there to make money for the station. He said that they don't seem to understand that there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard played the audio of John asking Paul his questions and getting some laughs from the crowd. He asked Paul how many women he's had in the bed at the same time. Paul didn't answer but John got some laughs.
Howard asked John if he asked Paul if his wife was Jewish. John said he was afraid to ask that one. John said he needed some time to build up for the next one. He asked Paul if he's ever gotten any nasty letters from Pete Best. He said he didn't. Then John asked him if he would ever be a Traveling Wilbury. Paul said he wouldn't and that was the end of the press conference so that's all John could get out.
John was saying that he thinks that the band probably pulled a few trains in their day. Howard asked if John is the caboose in that train in his band. He figured that Ringo was the caboose in The Beatles. He goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard told John he did a good job and came through for them. He said that he can be proud to be from this show. He said he had to take a break but ended up talking to David a little more about what he saw at the press conference.
John said that he's going to be playing a benefit concert for a friend who injured himself doing some pole vaulting. He said that he's trying to get some other people to do the show like Leslie West. He said that the money is all going to a spinal cord charity.
Howard asked David to read back to him some of the stuff he had written today. David didn't seem to want to do that.
Howard said that he saw a new Bugs Bunny cartoon recently and it wasn't that good with the new voice of Bugs. He figured that was Mel Blank Jr. doing the voice and he just isn't cutting it.
Howard said he had to play ''As The Barbecue Turns'' before they got to the other stuff they had to get to. He and Robin ended up talking about some other stuff before they got to that.
Howard got to the ''As The Barbecue Turns'' thing a short time later. He said they're doing this every week. In the clip they have Janie the Cleaning Lady and Ted the Janitor playing the part of Mayor Dinkens' employees. Billy West was playing the part of Mayor Dinkens.
Howard came back and applauded the bit saying he loved it. He took some calls and asked some callers if they liked it. One guy said that he was staring at his radio while it was playing. One guy called in and complained about a tape he bought from them that didn't come out right.
Howard and Robin were talking about how Prince was supposed to be dating Kim Bassinger. David confirmed that and Howard sounded a little jealous of that.
Howard asked David if Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley were making out while they were in the limo with him. He said that they held hands but that was about it. Howard figured that Billy has to prove his love for her by doing stuff like that. Robin said that Billy seems to come off as a pretty regular guy. She's seen him walking down the street by himself in Manhattan. He doesn't even wear a disguise.
Howard said that he had the one legged ball boy from the U.S. Open Sores video on the phone. The guy said that he wanted to take his leg off and play Jingle Bells on the harmonica with the air that comes out of the prosthetic leg. Howard said that was kind of a round about way to play the harmonica. He told the guy to go ahead and try it so he could hear it over the phone. The guy told him to hold on for a second and then took his leg off. He played the song but Howard said he could tell that it wasn't the guy playing with his leg. He was playing it with his mouth and he was going to hell at Gary for putting him on the phone.
Howard said that there's no way that was his leg but the guy swore that it was. Howard asked the guys if anyone in the studio believed it. Fred said there's a chance that it was real. Howard asked David if he believed it and he said that it could be. Howard told the guy that he's going to kick him out of there if he comes down and it's not for real. He told him to swear on it. The guy wouldn't do it so Howard hung up on him.
Howard tried to call this woman Cindy who claims that she has four breasts. She wasn't there so he took a call from another woman who claims that she can play Jingle Bells on her breasts. She said that she was going to come down tomorrow and play for them. She said that she plays the bells with her breasts and that's how she's going to do it.
Howard listened to the woman as she claimed to be playing the song but he didn't believe that it was really her. He told her to come down anyway because he wants to see her topless. She said that she'd come in if she could bring a friend. Howard told her no way when he found out it was a dude. He told the guy to stay home and have fun there instead. The woman said that she can't take her shirt off without him so Howard hung up on her.
Howard said that they had another woman who wanted do something on the show. He tried calling her and got some guy on the phone. He asked for Lisa and he told them to hang on for a moment. Lisa got on the phone and said that was her boss who picked up, not her father like Howard thought it was.
Howard said that Lisa wanted to come in and be with a woman in the studio. She said that's what she wanted to do at the Christmas party they were going to hold tomorrow. Howard said that they're going to have some lesbians in there so she might be able to do something. Lisa said that she's 20 years old so Howard told her that she isn't old enough to drink so he's not sure that she could be in there. Gary said that he was told not to say that they were going to have alcohol in the studio. Howard said that he didn't know that and no one told him anything. He said that they are going to have alcohol in there but he's apparently not allowed to say that.
Howard ended up goofing on Gary about what he had just said about not having any alcohol. He said that it's like he's some kind of Perry Mason guy there. He goofed on him for a few minutes about that before getting back to Lisa.
Howard asked Lisa what she was going to be wearing when she came in. She said that she'd wear anything they wanted. Howard found out that she was 5'6'' tall and had C-cup breasts. Howard asked if she would wear her backless dress backwards. She said that she would do that. Robin asked what she does for a living. She said that she's a secretary. Howard said that the party should be fun without any alcohol. He said that he had to go to break after that.
Howard talked about some of the stuff that's going to be in that article about him and how Gary is going to get credit for doing stuff that he really doesn't do. Gary came in and told Howard to just drop dead. He said that he doesn't appreciate that. He told David to just leave him out of the article completely.
Howard ended up goofing on Gary about his job and how he couldn't get another job if he got fired today. He told Gary that he's stupid and he should have told him about the alcohol thing off the air instead of doing it on the air. Howard told Gary to get out of the studio but he stuck around. He told Gary that he did wrong and he doesn't even get it. Gary said he made a mistake and asked Howard to cut him a break.
Howard told Gary that he was fired and to get out of the studio. Howard told him that they won't be able to drink now that he's said that on the air.
Howard asked David if he thinks that Gary did wrong. He explained that Gary could have just said off the air that they had this conversation with him about the alcohol thing but he waited until they were on the air. Howard asked David to just agree with him so that's what he did.
Gary came back in and told Howard that if he had just let it go it would have gone away already. Howard said he can't let it go. Gary said that he didn't know if Howard was being defiant or if he really didn't know about the alcohol thing.
Howard said that Gary should leave and leave in disgrace. He said that if the Rolling Stone article makes him look bad because of Gary, he's going to fire him.
Robin got into some other news articles after Leona was gone. Howard said that they had a guy on the phone who was involved with the subway stabbing that Robin had brought up in the news. He said that the guy wanted to call himself Clyde, his African name. He picked up the phone but got a dial tone instead of this ''Clyde'' guy. Howard said that he was about to stab someone after that happened.
Howard went to the phone again a short time later and had Clyde (Fred) on the phone. Clyde was talking about how he was a ''good sa-martian'' instead of a good Samaritan. He said he was minding his own business down in the subway and singing some lyrics from Howard's ''Psychadelic Bee'' song. He told Howard he also wanted to stab that Rolling Stone guy who was sitting in. Howard talked to Clyde about the stabbing and found out he did that to stop some hooligans from attacking another man. He said that he was actually trying to stab the honky peckerwood that was getting attacked. Howard hung up on him a short time later.
Fred came back in after the call and Howard told him that he had just missed a great phone call. Robin told Howard about a story in the news about Father Bruce Ritter and that led to Howard saying that they're still using his picture to promote this Covenant House thing that he was involved with. Howard read the ad they had for that place and made up some lines that weren't actually in the ad.
Howard got the two guys on the phone and said that both of them have been on the show before. Howard asked Leary if he had been doing any crack lately. He said that he hadn't since the last time he saw him.
Gordon said that people apparently want to hear them debate so that's what they've been doing. He said that they change the subjects they talk about when they go out. He said that they have different views on the fall of the Soviet Union. The two of them went back and forth talking about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard got involved with the debate a little bit and asked them some questions to get them going. He asked about Pete Rose and if he should be allowed to come back. Both Gordon and Timothy had different views on that subject. They talked about that a little bit and then Howard asked them about some other stuff like Leonard Marshall. That led to Howard asking the guys if they had ever had black girlfriends before. Gordon said he hadn't but Timothy had.
The guys argued about a few things but they said that they are friends. Gordon said that they've been arguing since the 1960s but they remain friends even though they have different views. Howard said that he might have to go see these guys doing this debating thing. He said that he'll come by and see them at the venue they were doing that Saturday.
Howard let them go a short time later and said that he liked Timothy's phone connection and made fun of that for a short time. He said that it was a pretty good debate and he might go to see them because he doesn't have anything better to do. They had to go to break a short time later.
Robin read a story about a girl in Connecticut who went off to do some missionary work and was found in El Salvador sitting on a cache of weapons. She was ordered out of the country by the President because she may have been supplying rebels with weapons.
Robin had some audio of John Bon Jovi talking about their upcoming tour. Howard had some fun goofing on the way he talks a little bit. Howard said that some of the stuff he was saying was driving him nuts. He said that he was hoping that their album was going to bomb but it's actually doing really well.
Fred threw in some 'Gina Man audio clips during the news. They had him singing some Christmas songs in his own special way.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's a contortionist and wanted to come in for the party tomorrow. Howard told her she could come in after she said she can fit herself into a 30 inch box. She said that she'll get topless and only wear a thong bottom when she does this. He said that he'd like to see that.
Howard ended up saying something about Jessica Hahn during the news and he hit the delay button on himself so it wouldn't be on the air. Then he asked David not to put that in the article because it would upset Jessica. He said that he really likes Jessica and didn't want to upset her. He ended up doing an impression of Jessica and what she might say to David if he called her to ask her about what he said.
Stuttering John came in and said that they had a woman on the phone who said that she has 3 breasts. She told Howard her name and then gave him the details about the three breasts. She said that she has two normal ones and one in the center and they all have the same sized nipples. She said that it ran in the family and that's why they didn't bother having it removed. She said she'd be willing to reveal it to them in the studio.
Howard asked the woman if she's good looking. She said that she's average looking. She told them that the breast is kind of recessed so it doesn't stick out. He told her to come on down tomorrow so they can check it out.
Howard talked to David about Rolling Stone magazine for a couple of minutes. He also talked about Meg and how she makes people feel bad there by not talking to them after they show their breasts on the air.
Howard asked where Meg was again after talking about her for 5 minutes. She eventually came in and Howard said she was dressed special for David today. Robin said her hair looked nice today too like she was all made up for David. Meg asked Howard what was wrong with him today. He told her that he thinks that she'd be so into him if he was single. He didn't think that she was all that into her husband but she sticks with him. Howard said that he's much more talented than her husband is. She said that their talents are different. She said that her husband works in TV, not on radio. Howard said that he's turned down a lot of TV projects, probably more than her husband has ever worked in.
Howard asked Meg about her TV show and if she wore a bathing suit in an episode. She said that she never did that. Howard said that he found it hard to believe when he heard about it so he's sticking with Meg on that story.
Howard asked Meg if she has a problem with Rolling Stone magazine not covering certain bands. She said that she doesn't and they do just fine doing what they do and they should keep doing it. She said she reads Spin magazine for some things and Rolling Stone for others.
Howard asked Meg about how she doesn't talk to Shelly anymore. Meg didn't know where they got that story because she doesn't think that's the case at all. Shelly came in a short time later and said that she has stopped talking to her. She said that she doesn't see Shelly that much and she's not sure what's going on there.
Pat Cooper came walking in a short time later yelling about some nonsense. Pat told the guys that he was upset about something they had said about him on the air. Pat said that he had to go around to a few other places to give his Christmas wishes. Howard said that Meg looked mad at him too and he wasn't sure why. She said she wasn't but Howard figured it was because he was wearing a leather coat and she's against killing animals like that.
Pat ran off but Howard said he could still hear him out there talking in the hall. He said that it's Tom who gets him into trouble with his guests when he grabs and sticks on the other shows there at K-Rock.
Howard got back to Meg and talked to her about her not talking to Shelly. He also asked her about her husband a little more and said that she's not being honest about Rolling Stone. He asked her about the tape he had out and if she had seen it yet. She said that she saw about 10 minutes of it in the jock lounge. She said that she hasn't gotten her copy back yet.
Howard asked David if he was attracted to her. He told David that he could easily get her if he wanted. He said that he just has to take her to see Oingo Boingo. Howard told Meg about David hanging out with Billy Joel and stuff like that.
Howard was trying to set Meg up with someone but things weren't working out very well. She said that things never do work out when people try to set her up. Howard told her that he's had some fantasies about her and he has all kinds of thoughts about her when he sees her bend over. He said she's got a nice ass, it's not the average Irish ass.
Howard said that he'd like to call Meg's boyfriend, Steve Kapen, to find out more about their relationship. She said that she'll check with Steve and find out if he wants to talk to Howard. Howard said they had to get out of there now. He said that the rest of the station has to take over now.
Robin said that she heard that Meg does have a sense of humor and she will come in and call two operators and put them on the phone with each other so they end up talking to each other. Meg said that Gary taught her that one. Howard tried that with two phone callers. He picked up on a couple of callers and tried to get them to talk to each other. It wasn't working very well though, the callers were on to him. He said that it had worked in the past when he did it himself. He spent a little more time with Meg and then ended the show around 9:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).