Stern Show News Archives.

For The Week Of 6/15/98 to 6/19/98

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-- Friday June 19, 1998 (Replayed on Master Tape Theatre on Tuesday, November 26, 1998) --
• Rachael The Clapping Breast Woman. 6/19/98. 6:50am
  This woman Rachael called in yesterday claiming that she can make her breasts clap. Howard wanted to see it for himself so she came in this morning. Rachael is a substitute teacher with C-cup breasts. She took off her top and jumped up and down to make her breasts slap against her chest. From what they were saying it sounds like her breasts are kind of droopy. That's probably why they flop around so easily. What a talent.

• The Mike Walker Game With Guest Pat Cooper. 6/19/98. 7:25am
  Comedian Pat Cooper came in to play the Mike Walker Gossip game. He was also there to help some film students raise some money for a movie they want to make. You can find out more about ''A Recipe For Disaster'' at www.recipefordisaster.com.

  Mike Walker calls in with 4 gossip stories from his National Enquirer column. One of the four stories is false, try to pick it.

  1. Rosie O'Donnell went crazy when her prized picture of Tom Cruise disappeared. It turned out one of the interns on the show moved it to someone else's desk. Surprisingly the intern was not fired.
  2. Oprah Winfrey is going to start a book publishing company to take advantage of her ability to sell books on her show.
  3. Before Tommy Lee went to serve his 6 months in jail for beating his wife he took boxing lessons from Billy Blank so he can defend himself.
  4. Roseanne and her latest husband are renovating their Bel Air home. There will be a detached wing on the home that can be moved in case they break up again. Ben will be able to move it wherever he wants to.
  Jackie, Pat and Fred all chose number 4 as the false story. Howard and Robin both chose number 1. The actual false story was number 2.

  Pat hung around for a while and spoke about the death of his estranged mother. He wasn't speaking to her and didn't find out she was dead until a week later. He also talked about Sonny Bono's death. Pat said Sonny wasn't a nice man and didn't seem to be upset about the guy's death. Before Pat left he brought in the 3 film students who are trying to raise money for their movie ''A Recipe For Disaster''. They're raising the money by selling stuff on their web site www.recipefordisaster.com.

• The First Annual Crepitation(Farting) Contest. 6/19/98. 8:05am
  Four people came in to compete for the title of best farter. Three judges scored on a scale of 10. The judges were Crackhead Bob, Croy and Sal The Stockbroker. Howard played a great phony phone call done by Sal before moving on to the contest. A Marv Albert impersonator did the play by play during the competition. Each contestant had a minute and a half to do their best farting. There was a farting ring set up with a pole in the center. First up was Jeremy. Jeremy uses Fig Newtons for fuel. He moved into the ring and did some amazing farts. He cups his hand over his ass and makes the farts sound like a trumpet. Second up was John. John does his farts by sucking air into his ass. He was able to do his farts continuously for the whole 1½ minutes. Again, it was pretty amazing. The third contestant was Maria. She was on the show recently and is able to swallow air and force it out her ass. Maria started out pretty good with some nasty, juicy farts. But in the last 15 seconds or so she blew it. She may have crapped herself! She said ''Oops'' and had to cross her legs to hold it in. The final contestant was Chris Crap. Chris was in a couple of weeks ago and amazed Howard with his farts. He didn't fail to entertain once again. Chris farted up a storm and did his duck fart a few times. As you can see below, Chris pulled off 3 perfect scores!

  	Jeremy	John	Maria	Chris Crap
  Crackhead Bob	7	8	9	10
  Croy	10	6	3	10
  Sal The Stockbroker	8	9	5	10
  Totals	25	23	17	30

  A lot of the farts sounded fake but when this airs on E! you'll see just how real they are.

• James Brown Comes In. 6/19/98. 9:05am
  Singer James Brown came in to promote his new album ''Back Again'' which will be out in August. Mr. Brown is sometimes unintelligible while speaking so it's very hard to follow what the hell he's talking about. Mr. Brown brought in two lovely white women. One of the women sang a song but it didn't sound that great to me. James thinks she's really good though so maybe I'm deaf. James was in a good mood this morning so Howard asked him to perform ''Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'' with The Losers. The Losers consists of Howard on keyboards and Scott The Engineer on drums. Gary was playing trumpet again. I think that Jackie may have played guitar and Fred on bass? I'm not sure about that though. So anyway James said that he'd love to sing along with them. Well the music sound okay except for Gary's trumpet. It sounded like someone beating a seal to death. James sounded good and that may have made the band sound better than they actually were. After the song Howard took a break. When they came back James told Howard about using the boner drug Viagra. He said he doesn't have a problem getting it up but wanted to give it a try anyway. He said that he was able to perform for 4 or 5 hours. After completing his duty he'd rest for a half hour or so and he'd be ready to go again. He doesn't recommend people using it too much though. You can hurt yourself doing it too much. James is appearing at The Paramount in New York City this Saturday.

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  -- Thursday June 18, 1998 --

• Knockers The Clown. 6/18/98. 8:05am
  This woman clown contacted Howard and said that she gets off when she's dressed as a clown and spanks guys. She came in this morning and wanted to spank Howard. When she came in she was dressed in her clown costume. As soon as Howard saw her he seemed to change his mind about letting her spank him. The 24 year old clown is 5'1'' tall and weighs 140 pounds. A little overweight to say the least. She was kind of annoying and giggled like a mental patient. Howard said he was afraid to let her spank him but he eventually caved in. She had him bend over and spanked him with a rubber chicken. Howard didn't seem that interested in her so he didn't spend more than 10 minutes with her. She plugged a web site where you can find out more about her. That site is at www.drducky.com

• The Homeless Game. 6/18/98. 8:15am
  A listener called in earlier in the morning and asked if he could play a game. Howard had Gary set up the Homeless game for the guy. An hour and a half later the guy got to play the game but he ended up losing! The object of the game is to guess whether or not the homeless person will answer the questions correctly. Below you can see how the Homeless person answered his questions:

  Question	Caller Says	Homeless Answer	Correct Answer?
  True or false, dolphins walk on land.	DQ	They say it's true but I don't believe it.	N
  How many wheels are on a tricycle?	N	Two	N
  Complete this saying ''To be or not...''	N	To Be	Y
  What is Viagra?	N	It's arithmetic or something...	N
  What did Old McDonald own?	N	He was a McFarmer	Y
  What President is on the one dollar bill?	Y	Lincoln	N

  Mike was supposed to get 3 out of 5 correct but he failed. The first question was disqualified by Howard because he didn't like it. Mike tried to win but he failed. After that Howard and the gang bet on the rest of the questions. It was broken up during the show because Lisa Kudrow called in and Gilbert came in later in the morning. The rest of the questions are listed below:

  Question	Homeless Answer	Correct?
  How many pints are in a quart?	Two	Y
  Name one Olympic event.	..track racing	Y
  How many toes do you have?	Five..no, one..toes? I have 5 toes.	N
  How many quarters are in 75 cents?	Three	Y
  How to you spell Titanic?	T I N... T I N... T I N A C T I C	N
  The Academy Awards happen how many times a year?	One	Y
  What do you call people who eat other people?	Cannibal	Y
  What does the word ''Homophobic'' mean?	Something about cave people..	N
  Name one ocean.	Pacific	Y
  Name one airline.	American Airlines	Y
  What letters in the alphabet are vowels?	..I didn't study English..	N
  How many nostrils do you have?	What is that spiritual bodies?.. I have 5 nostrils.	N

• Lisa Kudrow Calls In. 6/18/98. 8:45am
  ''Friends'' star Lisa Kudrow called in to plug her new movie ''The Opposite Of Sex''. The movie is in New York and Los Angeles this week and opens nationwide next week. Lisa just had a baby 6 weeks ago so Howard started out asking about that. He found out that she tried breast feeding but gave up because she didn't like it. She's still pumping the milk for the kid though. Howard asked if her husband watched the birth. She said that he was in the room but didn't actually watch the baby come out. He was videotaping the thing but she doesn't think he taped that part of it. Howard also asked her if she did anything weird like eat her placenta. She said no to that. She did admit that her breasts have gotten very droopy since giving birth. She may get implants someday to perk them up again. Speaking of breasts, Lisa mentioned that both Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston have touched her breasts. She told the story the last time she was on the show but Howard needed to hear it again. She had them feeling for a lump on her breast one time. No big deal but it sure sounds cool. Howard was thinking that they're all half naked touching each others breasts but that's not what happened. Lisa said that they felt her through her clothing. Lisa was pretty open about everything Howard asked her about except for one thing. Lisa went out with late night talk show host Conan O'Brien. Howard wanted to know some stuff about him but she wasn't talking. She said it was to protect Conan's current relationship with his girlfriend. Howard wanted to know if Conan has red pubic hair. There was silence so everyone thinks that means yes.

• Gilbert Gottfried Comes In. 6/18/98. 9:30am
  Comedian Gilbert Gottfried came in to hang out during today's news. He came in a little early and sat through a couple of the homeless questions. While he was in Gilbert did what he does best.. That is annoy the crap out of everyone. Howard talked with him for a while and Gilbert did his usual collection of impressions. He was singing Jewish songs and doing a funny impression of an old Groucho Marx. Plus he did his famous Dracula impression. People either love or hate Gilbert. There's nothing in between. It seems like there's a lot more people who hate him though. Howard took some calls and some of them really hate him. I personally think he's one of the funniest guests to have on during the news. He constantly does impressions and talks over Robin while she's doing news stories. If you're a fan of his then you want to know that Gilbert is appearing at Caroline's Comedy Club tonight at 8pm. He also did the voice of a dog in the new ''Dr. Doolittle'' movie.

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  -- Wednesday June 17, 1998 --

• Handicapped Star Search. 6/17/98. 7:35am
  Today was Handicapped Star Search where comedians with disabilities came in to be judged by more disabled people. The judges for the contest were Elephant Boy, Vin the Retard, King Of All Blacks and Big Foot Matt. Gary the retard was supposed to be the host of Star Search but he overslept and didn't show up until halfway through the thing. Each contestant got about a minute to do their act. The first contestant up was Mike the CP Comic. Mike started out slow but ended up doing a couple of really funny jokes. The second contestant was Greg The Gay CP Comic. He rattled off a whole story about being disabled and gay. It was kind of funny but not great. The third contestant was Paul The Coonster. Paul called in a couple of weeks ago. He's unable to speak so he uses a computer with speech to do his act. He was kind of funny but took forever to get them out. The final contestant was not a comedian. She was Kelly the angry wheelchair chick. She was in a few months ago complaining about Christopher Reeve. She's really angry. Kelly sang a song which basically blew as much as her voice did. Below you can see how the judges scored these handi-capable performers.

  	Mike The CP Comic	Greg The Gay CP Comic	Paul The Coonster	Kelly Beatty
  Elephant Boy	7	5	6	5
  Vin The Retard	5	3.5	5	5.5
  King Of All Blacks	8	4	2	1
  Big Foot Matt	9	7	10	6
  Totals	29	19.5	23	17.5

  Before everyone left a few of them had web sites to plug so here they are:

  • Elephant Boy - www.pegasusconcerts.com
  • Paul The Coonster - www.toolcity.net/~coonster
  • Greg The Gay CP Comic - www.livingroomlive.com
  • Mike The CP Comic will be opening for Bobby Slayton at the Washington DC Improv www.dcimprov.com on Saturday.

• Mystery Guest Ringo Starr. 6/17/98. 8:25am
  Big surprise guest for the show this morning. Ringo Starr came in as a Mystery Guest. Howard and the gang blindfold themselves and try to guess who the guest is by asking questions. It didn't take Howard long to figure out who it was. After about 4 or 5 questions or so Howard asked if the guest was a former member of The Beatles. Ringo confirmed it and that was that. Of course Ringo wouldn't just come by for no reason. He was promoting his new album Vertical Man. Howard spent a good 40 minutes or so talking with Ringo and it went very well. Ringo answered all of Howard's questions and seemed to have a good time. He spoke about his life as a Beatle and his drug use, stuff like that. Howard has goofed on him in the past and Stuttering John even asked him some offensive questions years ago. You may remember John asking Ringo ''What did you do with the money?'' Ringo says ''What money?'' and John comes back with ''The money your mother gave you for singing lessons!''. That may be one of Stuttering John's most famous questions. That didn't come up during the interview today though. Before Ringo left Howard told him that The Beatles really meant a lot to him when he was growing up. He was thrilled that Ringo was there. Jackie said that he got chills when he found out that Ringo was there.

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  -- Tuesday June 16, 1998 --

• The Losers Rehearse For James Brown. 6/16/98. 6:50am
  Singer James Brown is supposed to come in sometime this week. Howard and his band The Losers are supposed to back him up when he sings ''Papa's Got A Brand New Bag'' so they decided to rehearse a little bit today. The newest addition to The Losers is Gary and his trumpet. Gary hasn't played it much since high school so he's WAY out of practice. Needless to say when the band played it didn't sound anything like a James Brown song. Gary's trumpet playing was awful and no one could hear Fred's guitar. They played the song two times but they both sucked. It should make for an interesting show when James comes in.

• Gary Garver Interviews. 6/16/98. 7:00am
  Gary Garver got a couple of lame interviews with Red Buttons and Sid Caesar. The two of them are old time comedians who no one cares about anymore. Gary had some generic questions for them but Red wouldn't answer any of them. They were at some tribute to Henny Youngman so Red said that he wouldn't talk about anything but Henny. That was the end of that interview. Sid Caesar answered a few questions before Gary asked him the zinger ''Is it true that you have the biggest schlong in Hollywood?''. That's the question that drove him away.

• David Duchovny Comes In. 6/16/98. 8:30am
  Actor David Duchovny came in to promote ''The X Files'' movie which hits theaters this Friday. Howard spent some time asking David about some rumors that he's heard. One of them was that David is a sex addict and he had to get some kind of therapy for it. David denied all of that. Then there was the story that Mike Walker had in last week's Mike Walker Game. That story said that David's wife Tea Leoni made David fire his female assistant because she wanted to appear in Playboy magazine. David said that story was untrue also. His assistants have been men so there's no way it was true. I believe that David doesn't believe most of the tabloid stories. One thing Howard got right was the fact that David lost his virginity at age 14. Then Howard started asking David if it was true that he'd slept with Courtney Cox or Ashley Judd. He said no to both. David also said that it's true that he and Gillian Anderson may be leaving ''The X Files'' at the end of next season. David said he'd like to do other things but the show takes up 10 months of the year. Howard told him he should stick with it as long as it'll last. One thing that came up during the interview was The Magic Hour show. Howard heard that David was supposed to appear on it this week but David says he's not doing it. Howard asked him why that was but it sounded like he didn't want to talk about it. Howard said that it must be because he saw how bad it was and refused to do it. David's excuse was that Gillian Anderson already did it and he didn't want to do the same show as she did. Howard spent quite a while talking with David and taking phone calls. David said that he's very pleased with the way the movie came out. It turned out better than he expected it would. Robin saw it at a special screening and she loved it. She gave it a 9 out of 10. Oh, almost forgot that David took a guess at how many jelly beans were in the Rosie O'Donnell head. David guessed 1,432 which was low.

• Howard To Appear On ''The Magic Hour''? 6/16/98. 10:00am
  Last week Howard put the word out that he'd be willing to appear on Magic Johnson's awful late night tv show as long as he could bring his band with him. He wants to play ''It's A Gas'' with Chris Crap and Maria the farter backing them up. Howard said today that someone from Magic's show called and they're trying to make arrangements for him to appear. Howard spent a few days last week making fun of how horrible the show is. He calls it a train wreck and that he'll tell Magic that there's no way he'll get any worse.

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  -- Monday June 15, 1998 (Replayed on Master Tape Theatre on October 17, 2010) --

• Howard's Book Of The Day. 6/15/98. 6:15am
  Howard mentioned a book that he read over the weekend and I know I'll get a lot of e-mail asking me what the name of it was so I'll answer them all right here. The book was Pack of Two : The Intricate Bond Between Dogs and the People Who Love Them and the author was Caroline Knapp.

• Toronto To Get Howard's CBS TV Show! 6/15/98. 7:00am
  Howard made a quick mention about the fact that his new CBS tv show has been picked up by a Toronto station. The new show is scheduled to start in August.

• Gary Garver Interviews Dennis Miller. 6/15/98. 7:05am
  Gary Garver managed to get a one on one interview with comedian Dennis Miller. Miller was signing his new book, Ranting Again, for about 15 people so Gary didn't have a problem getting an interview. He asked him a few goofy questions that Miller didn't mind answering. Gary asked him why he won't do Howard's show anymore. Miller said that Howard doesn't like him anymore so he just doesn't want to do it. Howard said that's not true. It's Miller who doesn't like Howard. Miller dealt with the questions until Gary asked him ''Can you name 3 celebrities more arrogant than yourself?''. That was the end of the interview.

• Igor The Armpit Sniffer. 6/15/98. 8:05am
  This guy called in recently and told Howard that he can tell a person's race or nationality by their armpit odor. The guy came down this morning to demonstrate. They blindfolded Igor and brought in one person at a time so he could sniff their pits. The first guy he got right. It was a white guy and Igor knew it. Igor didn't get the second guy right. He guessed that it was an Irish guy but it turned out to be a Russian. The third guy Igor guessed as being Pakistani or Islamic. It turned out that the guy was Islamic so he was correct. Howard spent quite a bit of time talking to the third guy about where he came from and crap like that. Igor screwed up on the fourth guy when he guessed that the guy was Pakistani. It turned out to be a Puerto Rican guy. He came back on the fifth and final guy. He guessed Pakistani and the guy was Indian.. close enough. Igor claims that he got this unusual talent while working construction. He'd be around sweaty guys all the time and eventually he could tell who was who when they'd walk by him. Amazing!? Before Igor left he did a lame rap song that he made up about himself. Howard cut him off before he could finish though.

• Malcolm Jamal Warner Calls In. 6/15/98. 9:10am
  Actor Malcolm Jamal Warner, who played Theo on the Cosby show back in the mid 80's, called in to promote some AIDS charity thing he's involved with. He'll be playing pool with a bunch of other celebrities at Hollywood Billiards on Tuesday, June 23. If you donate $250 you get to play with the celebrities. So Howard didn't waste any time getting into the questions. The first thing he asked Malcolm was if he sleeps with white women. Malcolm said that he has slept with about 3 in his life. Howard also found out that Malcolm lost his virginity at age 16. Malcolm seemed to enjoy the interview because he laughed at just about every question Howard asked. Howard spent some time talking to Malcolm about Bill Cosby also. Malcolm didn't have anything bad to say about him. ''He hates me..'' Howard said a few times while talking about Cosby. He doesn't like Howard's type of humor. Malcolm has his own show on UPN called ''Malcolm & Eddie'' now. Malcolm told Howard how the NAACP has gone after his show because it ''shows black people in a buffoonish manner''. Malcolm agrees with them and has been trying to change the show for a while now. Sounds like a sure way to kill a comedy show!