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Howard started off the show trying to figure out what the date was. He said there was so much to talk about that he didn't even know where to begin. Robin said that she was thinking that Justin Timberlake was dead over the weekend. She read in an article about him that he had died after someone sent her an e-mail about that. She said that she found that shocking and just now she's thinking that it's not a true story.
Robin said that the guy who sent her the story was the same guy who sent her a story about Artie dying. She said that she looked up some news about another guy dying who was supposed to be with Justin and he had died months ago. She said it was probably an April Fools Joke.
Howard went on to talk about how Ralph has some noisy neighbors over where he lives and he hears everything through his paper thin walls. He said that he called him the other day and he could hear the noise coming from the party over the phone. He said that it should be mandatory that you can't hold a party like that because it's so annoying. He said that he got angry for Ralph after hearing that.
Howard said that Ralph gets calls from those same partying neighbors when his TV is too loud. He said that he doesn't have their number to call them back to complain about their noise. Howard said that he feels bad for the guy.
Robin talked about Stuttering John's neighbors and how he had some real problems with them. He had them put the head of a dead dog in his mailbox or something like that. John used to throw loud parties at his house and that's why they gave him a problem. Artie said that his parties were really loud, he's been to one of them so he knows.
Howard talked about some of the parties that are held out in The Hamptons and how annoying those can be. He said that he thinks that John had a dead dog's head in his mailbox but he wasn't really sure of the whole story. Artie said that he had some of the details in his head since John told him the story. He said that it was some kind of warning to John but he doesn't know how it was resolved. The guys said that maybe that's why John left to do the Tonight Show. Artie said he just saw John over the weekend. Howard said they'd get to that later.
Ralph called in and said that he heard that John looks really tan and like a model or something. Artie said he did look good but he's not sure about the model part. He said that he heard that he turned into a real asshole out there too.
Ralph said that his neighbors were up until 4:30 in the morning with that party. He said that he didn't want to be the person to go down there and make them stop with the party. He said that there's something wrong with people like that who have to do that stuff. He said that it was awful music playing too. It was techno music like the stuff that JD enjoys. Fred played a clip of what they may have been listening to and goofed on that. Ralph said that he'd rather live under the cast of ''Stomp'' than hear that techno music.
Howard said that he was getting some good movies that Ralph set up for him but now he's getting a few bad ones. He said that one of them was called ''Firewall'' and he didn't even put it in the player to watch it. He said he reads the description and just sends it right back.
Howard said he got one movie and Beth asked about it. It was ''Black Snake Moan'' and Beth refused to watch it. Howard said it sounded good to him but he's never seen a more horrible movie. He said that Justin Timberlake was in that and it was just bad.
Ralph said he never saw that movie and he e-mailed him that he hadn't seen it. Howard said that he doesn't read his e-mails from him. He said that Ralph has been leaving some really long voice mails and stuff and it's really annoying. He said he thinks that he has OCD or something.
Howard said that Christina Ricci is in that ''Black Snake Moan'' and she's really hot in it. He said that she got way thin and ''super friggin hot.'' He said that Samuel L. Jackson chains her up to a radiator in the movie and it was pretty hot. He said that he just fast forwarded to all of those scenes to watch that. That was the only redeeming thing about the movie. Howard said that was his Justin Timberlake story.
Howard said he feels bad for Ralph after that whole arty thing. He said he felt really bad for him this weekend. Ralph said that neighbor told him about the ''spring party'' that they were throwing. Howard said he should send her a note telling her that he's going to have a high school marching band in there.
Ralph said that he was watching Battlestar Galactica at full volume last night. He said that he's going to start blasting some techno music himself now. He said that one of his neighbors went to the party and they had a DJ in their apartment. Howard said that they've had that kind of thing going on at his apartment building and they want to throw people out when they do that.
Ralph said he didn't expect that kind of noise from a party. He said that he went to his neighbor's house and played cards so he didn't have to deal with it. Howard told Ralph to turn up the radio really loud and let him wake up his neighbors. He said they could also have Richard come over with his drums to wake them up.
Ralph said that on the note it said ''please forgive'' but they went on until ''four fucking thirty'' in the morning. He said that there are other neighbors who rearrange their apartment every few days.
Artie said that he likes talking to Ralph but he gets really crazy with the Hey Now'' stuff on the voice mails. He thinks that might be part of the OCD thing. Howard said that he always calls him back multiple times when he forgets stuff. They spent a minute talking about that before Howard had to bail on Ralph.
Howard said that he had some awful neighbors in Hartford when he lived there. He said that he hated it. Howard said that the neighbors must hate people like Puff Daddy out in the Hamptons. He said that people are really inconsiderate when it comes to that kind of stuff. Robin said some people just tell you to fuck off when you ask them to turn down the music.
Howard said that John would invite hundreds of people and then he'd get mad if they didn't show up. He said he'd say that they weren't his friends anymore if they didn't come. Artie said that some chicks will say that you're boring if you don't go to a club to listen to that shitty dance music. He said that they're the ones who are boring because they can't carry on a regular conversation.
Howard said that he was watching Artie on Jimmy Kimmel last week and he as getting worried about him. He said that he was wearing a t-shirt that he got at the show because he was sweating so bad that his sister made him change shirts. He grabbed a Jimmy Kimmel shirt so he wouldn't be all sweaty. The first thing you see on his shirt is the sweat in the clean shirt.
Artie said that there were a few things going on out there. He said he was in a hot car being brought to the show and then he got there and his sister told him to get changed. He said that the segment producer got him a shirt and he only had it on for about 10 minutes before he went on stage and sweat right through it.
Artie said he was stressed out and sweating but Howard said that he's basically sweating over nothing. Artie said that he agrees, there's no defending what he looks like at this point. Howard told him he should have Teddy towel him down. Artie said that would be great.
Artie said that he's been doing like an hour and 10 minutes at his comedy shows and he looks like he just jumped in a pool after the show. He doesn't sweat in a sexy way.
Artie said that it was good to have his sister around to help him figure out he looks like crap. EH's more worried about the jokes than the way he looks.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave him a situation and asked what he would do if Billy Joel and his wife invited Beth down to visit them in Miami in the middle of the week. Howard said he's not sure how he'd handle it but he probably wouldn't stand for it and he'd break up if she went. Artie said he doesn't think she'd do that, she knows that it's wrong to leave Howard behind. Howard said that he has Beth chained up to his radiator at his apartment, that's how he keeps her at home.
The caller asked Howard if Beth masturbates a lot. Howard said if she does she doesn't tell him about it and it's better that way. He said he'd rather not know if she is.
Artie said that he wanted to go out with Jimmy after the show and Sarah Silverman was taking care of his kids. He said he admires the way Jimmy makes that stuff happen. He said that he got to see Sarah for a short time. David Spade showed up and Nick Di Paolo went out with them too. They all went to Nobu and met up there.
Howard heard that JD and Ryan Phillippe hooked up and hung out. Robin and Fred sounded shocked when they heard that. Howard explained who Ryan was and how cool he was when he was on the show recently. Artie said that guy is really cool and he was good in that movie ''Stop Loss.'' He said it was really well done and he was really good in it.
Artie said that was Thursday night that he did his comedy show. He said that JD has been following him around and he's going to be doing this blog thing for his new web site when they launch that. He said that he's trying to help JD get laid out on the road because he really likes the guy. He said he'll tell the girls to check him out on stage at the end of the show.
Howard said that he can't imagine why JD isn't getting laid. He said that even the new governor of New York is getting laid and he's blind.
Artie said that the next night they played at the Universal Amphitheater in front of 6,000 people. He said that twas very cool. Ryan Phillippe showed up, George Takei was there and he was like an A-list celebrity there. He had George get up on stage with him and had some fun with the word ''faggot'' out there with him.
Artie said he never got to see Ryan back stage because he had to go to the hotel to shower after he was done. He said that his agent told him that Ryan wanted to connect with him. He said that Teddy got a text from Teddy who said that JD was going to go out with Ryan.
JD said that Ryan met him and said he wanted to take him out to get drinks and stuff. Howard figured that they were going to try and help JD get some chicks. JD said that he and Teddy went out to this club Villa and there were a bunch of Paparazzi standing there. He said that they got right into the club when Teddy told the door guy who he was. Ryan helped out with that and helped get them in.
JD talked about walking into the club and saw people from the show ''Scrubs'' and wondered what was going on there. He said it was really weird for him to see that. Then they saw Ryan standing around drinking with some of his friends. He said that there was some guy there named Fidel who goes around looking like Fidel Castro.
JD said that Ryan introduced him to a hot chick and the girl asked why he was introducing him to her. JD said that Ryan told her that he was a friend of his. JD said that Ryan was saying that he was the biggest celebrity to him and his friends even though Eli and Peyton Manning were there.
JD said that the chicks ran off after that introduction. He said that was it for the hot chicks that night too. Howard said that Ryan must have hooked up with someone but JD said that they just ended up going back and hung out at this guy's apartment. He said that Ryan dropped them off at the hotel after hanging out for a while. There were no chicks hanging out with them.
Howard said that JD isn't getting laid no matter what but Artie thinks that he can if he just lies a little bit. He can use the Howard Stern Show mention as a way to get laid too.
Ralph called in and said that JD is the biggest loser, but he loves him. He said that he's out with Ryan Phillippe and he still can't get laid. JD said that the girls were more into Eli Manning than they are to him. Of course they are but Ryan Phillippe is giving JD his stamp of approval and he still can't get laid.
Howard told the guys they have to take JD out and tell the women that he's mute or something. Either that or tell them that he's Bill Gates and he invented Windows 95 and XP. They have to tell these women lies about him to help get him laid.
Howard talked about how fat JD is getting with the gut hanging out. JD laughed and thanked him for that. Gary said that there was more about JD going out. He got introduced to Sophia Vergara and only talked for ''a second'' and that was it.
JD said that the owner of the club introduced him to her and he talked to her about the show she used to be on that he used to watched when he lived in Florida. Howard said he wished he had a tape of that conversation. He said that she didn't know what he was talking about so he just felt like an asshole and that was about it. He said that she was gone a short time later.
Artie said that back stage at the comedy club was weird. He said that JD's brother was there and they're really very much alike. He said that they both laugh and talk the same. He said that it was like JD in stereo. Stuttering John was there, Henry Hill, Blue Iris, George Takei, Sam Simon, David Spade and others were there.
Artie said that he lost it on the Bleeding Deacons that night. He said that he asked them to play at his gig and went to the sound check. He said that they seem to be a garage band made up of 8 48 year old guys. He said that he was trying to get some stuff done that he wanted to do and the guy from the band wanted him to smash a guitar. He said he didn't want to do that but the guy was on him the whole night about that.
Artie said that they were supposed to just play a few songs and get off the stage. They were supposed to start the comedy show at 8:15. They were playing insanely loud and no one could hear anything out there. He said that they went on for about 30 minutes too long. He said they had a guy dressed like him running out and feeding him stuff. He said he was stressing about the show and hearing the whole thing. He asked Teddy what the fuck they were doing and just wanted to get the show going. He knows now that he should have been more specific. They hijacked the fuckin stage according to Artie.
Artie said that Teddy got a stage manager to get them off stage but the guy from the band asked if they wanted to hear one more song. He said that he played another 8 minute song after that.
Daniel from the Bleeding Deacons called in to defend himself but Artie wanted to finish his story. He said that they started smashing their guitars as they were starting the comedy show. They were being loud and annoying and smashing guitars and he was getting red with anger. There was smoke coming off the stage and they had to go out and sweep the stage up. Then the crowd started to boo. They didn't applaud for it at all.
Artie said that the guy who was hosting the show had a hard time after that getting the crowd's attention. He said that he went off on Daniel for what they did and he probably said some things that he shouldn't have.
Howard told Artie that he should have told them to just play some song parodies and then get off. Daniel said that he asked them to tell him when they wanted him to get off stage. They never did that. He said they were willing to do whatever they wanted. He said that they wanted them to play for about 30 minutes and then they were going to do their parodies.
Artie said that they did tell them to get off the stage and they still played another song. Daniel said that they never told him to get off in the monitors. Artie insisted that they did. He said that the show really went well after that and he ended up apologizing to the band for yelling at them and thinks that he paid them more than he needed to.
Artie said that this show was the Carnegie Hall of the West Coast for him but it didn't work out that well. He said that he didn't understand why they were smashing their guitars and stuff either. He said that they should have cleared that with him. Daniel said that he cleared all of it with the people at the venue.
Howard said that JD is in charge of taping everything for Artie and he missed the argument with them. JD said that they're not allowed to film on stage so he had to hide the camera. Artie said that he should have been able to tape it back stage though.
Daniel said that he really did tell them that they were willing to get off as soon as they got the word. He said they really felt bad after Artie lost it on them. He said he didn't go out to mess with his hero out there.
Howard said that the shows are a recipe for disaster. Howard told Daniel that he didn't do anything wrong, there was just miscommunication going on. Daniel said that he asked if they wanted to hear one more song and he was talking to the stage manager, not the crowd.
Artie said he was trying to help promote the band but it turned into a nightmare. He said it was just a bad moment.
Howard asked JD about going out with Ryan Phillippe and his friends. JD said that they just hung out and talked about being fans of the show. JD said that he was just talking about stuff when he was there. He didn't know what he was talking about.
Artie said that guy Jason Itzler was there at the comedy show and he's kind of a close talker. He was like an inch from his face talking to him. He said that he said something really insulting to him and said that he might be able to get him a wife but if not, he's got Eastern European women who will marry anyone. He said that was really insulting to him.
Artie said he saw his old friend Nicole Sullivan out there. He said that Sam Simon is dating a really hot chick too. He said that he had never met her before. The night was really interesting and it turns into a SIRIUS pep rally when he goes out. Artie said that Henry Hill came out and he was fucked up on stage that night.
Howard said that he can't imagine listening to a whole concert of that stuff. Howard didn't think it was musical at all. Richard used to play in a band that performed like that so he's going to demonstrate his drumming this morning.
Howard played another speed metal version of ''Losing My Religion'' which started out pretty good but then it goes all wrong when they start singing and playing really heavy stuff.
Richard came in and got ready to do his demonstration. He got on the drums and said he was going to play whatever they wanted to hear. Howard told him to just drum as fast as he could. Richard warmed up a tiny bit and then started playing as fast as possible. He played for just a few seconds so Howard asked him to play some more because he was just getting into it.
Richard played some of what they had just heard in one of the songs that Howard played. He pulled it off and sounded very similar to the guy in that song. Howard wanted to sing along with Richard so he had him play some more and sang ''Sweet Dreams'' in the worst performance ever. Artie asked him if he ever misses being in his band and going out touring. Richard said he really doesn't miss it too much. Howard pointed out that he was out on tour staying in YMCAs, not in really nice hotels like some bands do.
Richard said that he still plays drums about an hour a day. He said that he writes some songs too and they have some stuff coming up on Howard TV where he plays drums. He had a song that he created so Howard played a little bit of that. Richard plays drums and guitar on that song. Howard started to sing along with it and then Fred started throwing in some dong growling sounds.
Ralph called in and said that was really bad and there's no talent there. He asked him what he can do with that. Howard told him to get off the phone after he asked Richard what he's going to do with that kind of talent. The guys said that's coming from someone who doesn't work. Richard said the name of his song was ''Frost'' because he had a bottle of Gatorade Frost in front of him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was staring at a picture of him over the weekend where Howard is posting with Beth and Katie Lee Joel. He said that he probably spent about 4.5 hours staring at it because he was so fascinated by Beth and Howard. He said that it was a really good picture. Howard said it's really weird to see himself with a hot chick like that. He said that he finds it weird when he sees Robin and Jim together too. He said that he wouldn't look at a picture of Jim alone in the past but now that he's with Robin, he stares at it wondering what that's all about.
Gary came in and said that he had to give Katie Lee Joel a plug for her book because his wife was using it and there are pictures of Katie in the book on every other page. Gary said that he was checking that out after his wife told him about it.
Howard took some calls about Richard's drumming and a bunch of people though he was really good. One woman said that she finds Richard to be really hot. She said that his drumming is really hot to her. Artie told her she should smell his balls. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Beth told him yesterday that Robin had reminded him that he's supposed to buy the back of the cover of the book for her charity event. He said that he wondered what that was all about and he heard that everyone there at work had been hit up for money. Howard said that he knows that someone is kind of upset about being hit up for a thousand bucks. He didn't want to say who that was though.
Howard said that this isn't right. It's like people who sell cookies at work. They used to get really upset with people who would do that. Howard said that Robin is going to get all of the glory out of this charity but it's everyone giving money that should be getting the glory. He said he wrote the check out to Robin but refused to bring it into work and told Beth to just mail it to her.
Howard wondered if he's wrong for feeling that way. Gary said that he's not because he never hits people up for money there at work. Howard told Robin that she's the weird one, not him. Meanwhile Robin is on that Mike and Juliet show talking about how weird he is for having a wedding alone and then throwing two different parties for family and friends.
Robin said that Howard said that he was getting married alone with Beth and no one else. Howard said that he didn't want to give all of the details, but they are getting married in front of family.
Gary said that he doesn't lean on anyone for money for these charities. He said he just can't do that. Robin said that she's not just hitting up people at work, she's hitting up her personal friends too. Howard said that she's going to be supporting a different charity every year and she's going to be hitting them up every year.
Howard said he has about 20 charities that he supports but they don't even know who he supports because he's not hitting people up. He said that Robin wants them to write something for the back of this program but there's no way he's putting a picture of himself on there. Artie told him to print out Sal's apology verbatim as a goof.
Gary said that the head of the company, Mel Karmazin, was out in the lobby and told Robin what he wanted to give. Robin asked him ''Is that the best you can do?'' Robin said that it was Jason who told her it wasn't that much and got her to ask for more. Robin said that Mel didn't up it though. He stuck with that amount.
Howard had some audio from Robin's appearance on the Mike and Juliet show. He said he didn't even like the promo they had for it. They asked why Howard and Robin didn't date in the pre-interview and used that in the promo. Howard sounded annoyed by that.
Howard played the audio from Robin's interview where Juliet was introducing her. Howard said that chick has a really nice body. Lisa said that she lives in Artie's town and wanted to help him up with a chick or something. Artie said he thinks he knows who she is.
Howard didn't want to play the whole segment so he cut out the beginning of the segment and went to the part where she was being interviewed live. They listened to that and goofed on it a little bit. Robin talked a little bit about how she started out with Howard and how some of the stuff that Howard does freaks her out. At one point she said that Howard was an ''okay guy'' but then corrected it to ''great guy.'' She said she was just trying to point out how normal he was. Then she tells Juliet how weird Howard is for doing the wedding the way he's doing it. They go to break after a brief segment.
Howard said that Robin talks about how weird he is but that Juliet should have pointed out that Robin puts coffee up her ass. He played the second part of the interview where Robin was talking about her Girls Night Out group.
Howard asked Lisa if she had given to Robin's charity yet. She hasn't yet. Fred hasn't either but he's going to give the money first and then let people ask how much he gave. Artie has given a few bucks to the charity already. The guys spent a minute talking about the charity that Robin is working with and how they're not even sure if she looked into it that much.
Fred did a voice saying that he was the president of the country that Robin mentions, Eritrea, when she plugs this charity. Then Artie asked him to do that voice and Jim Florentine's. He did a little bit of that. Robin talked about what the charity is going to be supporting and how that's all going to work.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with Robin. He said that Robin didn't even know how to pronounce the name of the country when she first started talking about it. She's also got Jason working for her doing stuff for her and he thinks that she's doing it to get her to pay attention to her.
Robin mentioned that they are auctioning off a bunch of stuff at CharityFolks.com for this charity she's supporting.
Howard took some more calls from a couple of guys. Bong Hit Eric seemed to be all for her supporting it but there was another guy who said that Lisa sucks and does nothing but boring stories. She said they do all kinds of stories in the news. One guy asked Robin to go back to racing cars instead of doing this charity thing.
Howard got back to the clip from the Mike and Juliet show. Robin talked about her Girls Night Out group and laughed at the name of the group when she mentioned it.
Howard asked what Annemarie does in this group. Robin said she was instrumental in getting a contribution from ''Ugly Betty'' so she's helping out that way. Howard asked her about some of the other people who are contributing.
Ralph called in and said he was going to goof on Robin's charity but now that he's heard that you can bid on a walk on for ''Ugly Betty'' then ''wow.'' Howard hung up on him and told him to get out of there. He wondered who was letting him on so much.
Robin said that she thinks that they've raised about $28,000 so far. Howard thinks that she's going to raise a couple hundred thousand. Then he read that she's actually raised $48,000 so far. Fred went back into the President of Eritrea voice and said that Robin would be perfect if she had her clit cut off. That led to the guys talking about how that's a problem in some African countries. Robin said that she doesn't think that Zebiba had her's removed but that is a problem in the country she's sending her charity money to.
Ralph called in and asked Robin why she doesn't just donate that kind of money to the charity herself instead of hitting everyone up for money. They talked about the clitoris removal thing for a few minutes. Robin said that sometimes it's not just the clitoris, it's the labia that's removed as well.
Howard got back to the Mike and Juliet show clip and ended up goofing on that a little more. The clip was pretty short since Robin's interview wasn't all that long. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the charity after that. Howard pointed out that there was no mention of Jim Florentine in that segment.
Lisa got back to her news preview and mentioned some of the stuff she'd have about Robin's visit to that show. She had some back stage interviews with Robin to go over. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Howard said that he's not friendly with Yucko, he's just had him on the show a few times. He said that he's got to know he's not going to go to his wedding. Robin said that she's never even seen Yucko without his make up on.
Howard said that he heard from Ronnie that he sent Yucko a gift after he mentioned last week he wasn't going to send him anything. Ronnie said that he sent him a gift and now he's calling him a cheapskate on the air. He said that he sent him $50 and he's calling him cheap so he's going to put a stop payment on the check. Ronnie said he heard that his girl doesn't even want to marry him now. He said he heard that she's into some roller blading chick now so maybe he should take that 50 bucks and buy her some skates.
Howard said that he's not going to send Yucko a dime. Shuli came in and said that he's going to the wedding. He said that he heard that Ronnie's checks have race cars on them. That led to the guys goofing on Ronnie about that a little bit.
Shuli talked about how Yukco's girl has cold feet about the wedding now. Howard said that he heard that there was no problem and they weren't going to come in to meet with Dr. Keith Ablow today. Shuli was also saying that Yucko's girl is involved with that Roller Blading thing and he's hoping she doesn't leave him for a woman.
Artie said that he's probably going to send Yucko a check. Robin said that she has the invitation but she won't let Howard shred it. Howard told her to give it to him and he'll help her out with that. He said that he gets a lot of these invitations from people looking for gifts and he really can't send out money to everyone. He said that he's giving his money to GNO instead of Yucko.
Gary came in and asked if Will and Jason should be sending invitations. Howard said they absolutely should because he knows them. He said that he might go to Jason's wedding if it's in town. Gary said it's going to be in Jersey. Howard said he won't be going then.
Artie asked if Howard had set a date for his wedding yet. Howard said he hadn't but Artie said he heard from one of the chicks at the Kimmel show that she knew the date. Howard told him not to listen to that. He was also saying that he wasn't going to have a bachelor party. The guys told him that he has to have one and even if he doesn't want one, he should show up for a minute and let them party themselves.
Artie asked Howard who his best man would be if he had to pick someone at work. He said it would be Ronnie the Limo Driver. Artie said that it's a lot of responsibility to be the Best Man. They spent a short time on that and then Howard said he had to go to break. He wanted to know who they had Dr. Ablow coming in for. Gary said that they're supposed to try and mend Jason and Scott DePace, Jason and Jared and Artie and High Pitch Mike. Scott DePace said that he wasn't interested in this segment. Howard told him that they're not interested in his Video Caddy either so he should stop bringing that up on the air.
Howard said that Dee's kid was wearing leather pants with tassels and had his shirt open and he really shouldn't have been wearing that. He seemed to think that it was a bit outdated looking. He said he thinks that Dee's wife must have dressed him.
Howard talked about how Kelsey Grammer's daughter, Spencer, was on Jimmy Kimmel the night that Artie was on. He said that she was on the show at one point and had no relationship with her father at the time. Kelsey stopped talking to her until she got on a hit show. Now Kelsey won't talk to him at parties and stuff because of what his daughter said about him on his show. He said that he shouldn't be pissed at him, he should be pissed at his daughter. Artie talked about how radiant Spencer was and how sexy she looked.
Gary came in and said that the reason that Kelsey is mad at Howard is because of the Irritable Bowel Syndrome thing that they did with his wife Camille on the show. Howard said that's what he says publicly but that's not the real reason he's mad. He said that he knows it's because of his daughter being on the show. Howard had to wrap up the segment and go to break a short time later.
During the break Howard mentioned that he had flagged the E! show that Kelsey's daughter was on and they never aired it on TV. He said that he had a feeling back then that she might want to get back together with her father and didn't want to rub it in Kelsey's face at the time. That's how protective of him he was.
Richard said that he could play that part of the song so Howard had him sit down at the drum set and play some of it. Richard went over and did it almost like Alex did it. It was just slightly off from the original. Fred said he had it. Howard said he could do that. Robin told him to go try.
Howard got up and went to the drum set and attempted to play what Richard had just played. He needed to get some quick pointers from Richard and then tried to play. He wasn't close to the Van Halen song but his drumming wasn't horrible. Artie said that it was okay but not like Richard. Robin asked if he could play a song. Howard pounded on them some more but he wasn't really making music.
Howard said he was exhausted. Artie asked if he could give it a try and went over to give it a try. Howard said he doesn't know why Richard is fat if he plays the way he does. Artie went over and banged on the drums for a few seconds. He wasn't even as good as Howard. Howard told him he had the power of a Bonzo Bonham. It sounded like a kid banging on pots and pans. Artie said he doesn't know how drummers can last that long playing. He was worn out after just a few seconds.
Richard went over and played for a few more seconds but Howard had to move along. He had Dr. Keith waiting. Artie went over to sit down but he was out of breath and sounding like Lou Costello after he saw The Mummy.
Howard said that Dr. Keith was in to promote the paperback version of his book ''Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty.'' He said that he really needs to get his own reality show like that Celebrity Rehab show. He went on to tell him about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show lately and how they had a few people that he might want to help out today. He brought up High Pitch Mike and Artie and the fighting they've been doing on the show. He explained to Keith about why Mike might be upset with Artie and how the whole thing got started. He said that it was probably the vacation that Mike took to Disney during gay week.
Mike said that he thinks that it was Artie calling him a faggot numerous times that led to them fighting. Mike said that he thinks that Keith would be better off helping out the other people instead of them. He doesn't think that Artie is ever going to be friendly to him. Howard said that he'd like to make it easier for the two of them to work together there.
Mike said that he doesn't think that this is going to work out so he'd rather not be part of it. Howard said that it is getting out of control now and they do need a resolution there. Dr. Keith said he understands the anxiety with this and wondered if he'd been in any type of therapy before. Mike said he hadn't been.
Dr. Keith said that the roots of conflicts like this might not even be between the two people involved. He said that Artie might be feeling scared by some of the stuff that Mike represents to him. He said that Mike has to understand that this is a direct challenge to Artie and he might be afraid of being like him.
Artie pretended he wasn't hearing any of that and asked if he was saying that he was afraid of being an acne covered geek or something. Howard said that maybe Artie is afraid of being the geek so that's why he says stuff like that.
Dr. Keith said that they're not going to settle for this being just about name calling. He said that this is like Artie raising a shield and it seems that he's doing it as a distraction. They spent a minute talking about that and then Mike was saying that he's the only one there who calls Artie out on some of this stuff. He said that everyone else tip toes around him, even Howard.
Artie said that he thinks that Mike is an enormous asshole. Mike said that when he's attacked he's going to fight back. Artie said ''You should sweetie...'' He said that the guy he should really be going after is the guy who let him out of the locker.
Dr. Keith asked Mike what he's gone through in his life being bullied. Mike said that he had people goofing on him in school by throwing gum in his hair and stuff. Artie laughed at him about that. Dr. Keith asked Artie what it is about him that makes him want to be so cruel. He asked ''why him?'' Artie said that he keeps coming in and if someone else came in, he'd talk about them. He had a mouth full of food as he was saying that.
Mike asked if he had to go through with this because he knows that one of the two of them could explode and he doesn't want to go all Columbine on someone. He said that he wouldn't go to that extent but he could explode and throw something at Artie. He doesn't want to do anything like that. He said that Artie has already physically assaulted someone (Sal) on the show and nothing was done about that.
Dr. Keith asked Mike what he'd like to happen. Mike said that he'd like Artie to just stop talking about him. He said they seemed to have an agreement to do that but then Artie went on Adam Carolla's show and talked about him. He said that there was also an edit during the Kimmel Show last week so he's wondering what that was about. Artie said that he called Mike a fag there. He sounded like he was being sarcastic though.
Howard took some phone calls and Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this was getting out of hand. She told him he needs to take this seriously. Another caller said that Mike is a self-serving faggot and it's his fault that all of this is happening. Another caller said that he thinks that maybe Mike is sexually attracted to him and that's why all of this is happening. Artie said that might be it but then he said that Mike is not gay and he has to keep reminding himself about that.
Dr. Keith said that maybe Artie can't see the good things about Mike. Artie said he hasn't seen any yet. Mike said that Artie has been coddled all his life. Dr. Ablow cut him off and said that he hasn't been coddled, he doesn't know that. He asked Mike about his family members and found out he's got a couple of sisters but no brothers. He said that Mike has to stop engaging in this fighting and just let this stuff roll off his back. He said that he has to be like Gandhi and just be a man of peace. He said that this won't last forever and he will be able to break through eventually with Artie.
Dr. Ablow asked Mike to just say some nice things about Artie when he says negative things about him. Mike said he can't do that. Artie said that he'd deck him if he did that because he'd think that he was coming on to him.
Mike said he had something positive about him and said that he likes how he's still proud of ''Beer League'' even though it did horrible at the box office. He said that he also has some good one liners on the show and he's great when he's on and missed when he's away. Artie said that he didn't really care after that. He didn't put him down though. Dr. Ablow said that's a good thing. Artie said that was because they didn't let him finish.
Artie asked Mike how he sees himself killing them all there. Mike said he never said he was going to kill them all. Artie said that he likes the idea of Mike saying nice things to him while he can still say nasty things about Mike. Artie said that he was going to go along with that so he only wants to hear compliments. He told Mike ''Only compliments douche bag!''
Artie wanted to hear something nice from Mike but Mike wanted to hear something nice from him too. The guys told him that Artie is going to try. Mike said that he has a great family. Artie said he wasn't going to say anything other than that he agrees with him about that.
Mike told Artie he thinks that he's a great dresser so they stopped him there and said that he's being sarcastic there. Artie told him ''only compliments ass wipe!''
A woman called in and said it's more fun when they fight with each other so they should get Dr. Keith out of there. She said that she does love his books though.
Artie said that he'd love to hear Mike doing his plugs or something every day. Another woman called in and said that Mike has always come into the studio and stirred things up with Robin, Sal and Richard and others. He has said vicious things about all of them and he loves all of this air time. Howard said that
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Mike is scary talking about the Columbine kids. Artie agreed and said that maybe they should get the hell out of there.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Artie if he would ever forgive Mike for what he said about his sister. Artie said he can't. The guys said that Mike is trying to extend that olive branch though. Dominic asked if he'd forgive him if he blew his brains out. Artie said ''maybe.''
Another caller pointed out the Columbine statement and they all have to be careful from now on. Mike claims that he was just pointing out that those kids were bullied too. The caller went off on Mike for a few seconds calling him a ''Googly Eyed Fuck'' and other things.
Dr. Keith said that Mike is trying here. Artie then joked about him being on AZT and called him a ''faggot.'' Mike was ready to shoot back with a comment but the guys tried to get him to stop saying that Artie was just joking around. Dr. Ablow thinks that the plan for Mike to just compliment Artie would work. Howard said that it seemed to be working.
A caller told Howard that he's been saying ''Abalow'' when it's actually ''Ablow.'' Howard said that he would try to get that right from now on then.
Mike said that he's not going to think that this is going to work until he hears nice things from Artie. Artie told him that's not the deal. He said that Mike has to say nice things to him and he can say whatever he wants. Mike then asked a question about Artie going back to being a nothing once Howard retires. The guys told him that's not really sticking to the plan. Artie told him to get some will power and stop going there.
Howard thanked Dr. Keith for coming in and wrapped up after giving him a plug for his book. He said that he thinks that he's really good at what he does and he does some impressive work. He said that he's not sure what planet he's from but he seems to be a good guy.
Artie said that he had this plan to have Mike say nothing to him when he continues to insult him. He said he didn't bring it up because he thought that they were going to laugh at him. He said that he's looking forward to a relationship with someone who he can insult and that person won't fight back. They went to break a short time later.
Robin said that she is in control sometimes though so that's where it doesn't seem like an illness. Howard said that it's like a wife beater who can be under control most of the time. She said that he was making sense with that.
Howard played an audio clip of Naomi's assistant talking about Naomi throwing her Blackberry phone at her one time. Howard said that maybe she should have just given her a compliment. She said that Naomi did apologize to her after doing that.
Howard asked Yucko if his fiancé really has cold feet about the wedding. He said that they did have some shaky moments there for a little while but they're okay. Howard told him that he should have come in to go over that with Dr. Keith. Yucko said that he doesn't trust that bald headed fuck.
Howard asked what Jon Hein sent to him for his wedding. Yucko said it was $150. Artie wanted to know who he should make it out to. He figured it was his real name and kind of gave it out without actually saying it. Howard told Yucko he should have run off to Vegas and gotten married right away.
Gary asked if it was true that they were on Miserable Men last night talking about how she wants to have an open marriage. Yucko said that was actually last week. Howard told him to get out now before they actually get married.
Howard told Yucko a story about a chick that he really liked when he was younger and how he was willing to do just about anything to keep her even though she was cheating on him with a bunch of guys. He said that this seems to be what he's going through now. He told Yucko that maybe he should let her go and maybe she's hoping that he will.
Yucko said that they have too much invested in this right now to let it go. Howard told him that if she's saying that she wants to bang other dudes he has to get out. Yucko said that she was saying that she might want to check into stuff in the future.
Gary said that he was getting this in dribs and drabs but he heard that she has this ORM (Open Relationship Marriage) theory. She was back stage talking to the guys about that when they were down in Atlantic City.
Shuli said that Yucko's girl was down there dancing on the table out at the show. Howard thought that was really hot. He wanted to talk to Nicole but Yucko said she's back home and he's out on the road. He thinks that they're fine but Howard said he wants to talk to her tomorrow.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that he'd like to fuck Yucko's girl. Shuli said that they're all freaking out because they bought their tickets to fly to the wedding already.
Dominic Barbara called in and said Yucko should have a pre-nup before he goes into this marriage with a woman who is looking for an open marriage already.
Howard asked if they were really thinking of calling off the wedding. Shuli said that she was opening up to a lot of people back stage that night and talking about that stuff. She also brought it up on the air on Miserable Men last week.
Howard had Nicole on the phone so he picked up on her and talked to her about this marriage. He said that if she's already suggesting open marriage, she wouldn't care if Yucko had sex with other women. Nicole said that she does have cold feet and she is thinking about the possibility of her having sex with just one person for the rest of her life. She said that she's not sure she can do that.
Howard said that Yucko doesn't want to lose this girl and he's willing to do anything to keep her. that's why he didn't come in today to meet with Dr. Keith. The guys asked Nicole if she's interested in someone else right now. She claims she's not but Robin said it sounds like her eye is wandering. She thinks that she shouldn't be marrying him then.
Howard asked Yucko what he's telling Nicole. He said he just wants her to be married. He said that they've been dating for 2 years already so they might as well get married. Nicole said that her mother has been married 3 times and her grandmother was married 5 times. She's afraid that's what's going to happen to her marriage.
Howard told Nicole that she should only get married if she's madly in love. If you're madly in love you don't think about being with other people.
Robin said that Fred's wife once said that she couldn't imagine wondering where Fred was for the rest of her life if she wasn't married to him. Nicole said that she was very excited about the wedding but the closer they get the more fear she has about the commitment.
Shuli said that her explanation doesn't make a lot of sense with her explanation because she says she doesn't want to disappoint the rest of the family with a divorce but they've all had multiple divorces.
Nicole said that they used to have sex all the time but that's dropped off lately. Yucko said that they haven't had it since they were in Atlantic City 2 weeks ago. Shuli said that she was really looking good that night too.
Artie said that he was kidding up until now but now that he's heard them talk, he thinks that they shouldn't get married. He said that they can't go through with this the way they're feeling. He asked Nicole if she thinks that Yucko could support her. She said that she works hard herself so she's not worried about that.
Dominic Barbara called in again and asked Nicole a question and asked her to answer quickly. He asked her to say the number 2 if she wants to get married and the number 1 if she didn't. She said the number 2 so the guys figured he was out of his mind for even asking the question.
Dominic told her not to get married because they're not even close. Nicole said she was very excited a couple of months ago and now she's not so sure. She said that she thinks that she could walk down the aisle and things would be fine but she's not sure about that. She said that she loves him and can't imagine her life without him. Artie said she has to think about that again and her life would probably be great without him.
Howard told Yucko he hopes that things will work out for them. He said that if they go through with it he might actually send them a gift. He wrapped up with him and let him go. Yucko said that he's going to be down in Texas doing a couple of shows with Rev. Bob Levy on April 25th and 26th.
Howard mentioned that they're still looking for the ugliest guy who is married to the hottest chick for the upcoming contest they have. There were a few laughs from the guys in the studio when he brought that up right after getting off the line with Yucko and his hot, and possibly, future wife.
Howard said he'll play Artie's Jimmy Kimmel appearance tomorrow since they were running out of time today. That led to the guys talking about JD not getting any chicks while he was out there with Artie.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they have a story about Artie getting part of the money he's owed for that show down in Florida. They've given him 10 of the 16 grand they owe him so far. Steve said that they have other people claiming that those people owe them some money as well.
Steve said they have a story about Big Foot who is locked up in a mental facility. He's in but wants out right away. He may be getting out today.
Steve said they have a story about Eric the Midget's modeling agency web site (etm-agency.com) that turns out to be a gag. He said that they also have a story about Bob Levy and Danny Bonaduce possibly doing a fight.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down some of the subjects that they were going to try and cover today.
Howard said that this ''Bowling Beauties'' show is going to be hot. Artie was having trouble even speaking because that one chick was so hot. She'll be in there on Wednesday to talk about that. they're going to have Scott the Engineer doing the color commentary for that special series as well.
Mike Gange was in talking about how they have 16 hot chicks bowling and they have a $5,000 grand prize. They're hoping that some of them will end up making out and stuff like that during the special. Artie said he'd be willing to marry that chick just based on her pictures. He said he'd even marry her on Wednesday when she comes in. Howard said that would be great. Mike Gange said that she wants to be a doctor too so she could be an earner for him if she did marry him.
Artie said that chicks like that don't mind gross stuff so she probably wouldn't mind seeing him fat. Howard said that he thinks that if Beth ever saw him shitting she'd break up with him. He said Bubba is the man because he used to have his wife wiping his ass for him when he was really fat.
The guys talked about the bowling special and how it's going to be a 4 part series that will run for a month on Howard TV. Artie was still going crazy over the hot chick that they were looking at. Mike said that she might be a little too short to be a top model. He figured she was about 5'4'' tall or so. Artie jokingly said that they have to throw her out of she's that short.
Mike said that they're going to be taping the show next week there in Manhattan but they won't have an audience there. Howard said it would be cool to have one but the place is kind of small. Howard said that he'd go watch that chick bowl.
Mike said that they're going to have the girls going up to the lane and bowl really slow. Some of the girls are going to be bending over and using two hands to push the ball down the lane. Howard said they should use that hand blower thing there too. Artie said that the best joke that you can do at a bowling alley is to walk out of the bathroom with a Playboy in your hand, go up to use the hand blower and then walk back to the bathroom.
Gange said that the bowling special will be starting on May 12th. Howard said he heard that he's single again. Mike said that he did just break up with a girl he was dating for 6 years. She didn't want to move in together with him but he was ready to go there. He said that she wanted to move in at one time but then things changed. He said he started to date her when she was 19. Gary said that she was only 19 by about a week when he started dating her. Mike said that it was still 19. 19 is 19.
Mike said that he is kind of broken up about the whole thing. He said that he's bummed out because everyone else is married or in a relationship. Artie isn't so he told Mike that they can roll together. He told him to come to Amsterdam with the rest of the guys for Jason's bachelor party.
Howard asked Mike if she was seeing someone else. Mike said he doesn't think she was and he doesn't want to find out. Howard said he has to get her on the show and find out. Artie said that he and Mike are going to get into shape and tear a hole through this town. Mike said that he doesn't have any single friends so Artie kept telling him that they'll hang. Howard let him go so he could have Robin start her news.
Howard said he loves having Gary the Retard in there and wants to give him a good time so that's why they did that whole flying to the moon thing. He said that if it's cruel he doesn't want to do it but he thought it was going to be fun for him. He said that Gary did tell him that he was scared when they sent him to the moon.
Ronnie took Gary the Retard to Rick's Cabaret last week and he wondered how that went. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's tired of them doing bits for Howard TV. Howard said he didn't do it for TV, he did it for the radio show and they don't know how things are going to turn out.
Howard read through some more mail about some of the stuff that went on last week. He said that Artie got some feedback about that PSA he recorded. He read through a bunch of those and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard had a porn clip that he played in the past. They had this black guy porn where he's asking the woman what her daddy would say if he saw her doing stuff to him. They took that clip and had Gary the Retard record it as a retard instead of a black guy. The guys thought it was pretty well acted for a retard.
Blue Iris called in and said she wanted to compete in the bowling game. Howard said that maybe in another one she can try. This one wasn't for her.
Howard said that Gary was telling him that he had planned a bunch of stuff for their upcoming vacation and mentioned he was going to take his kids hot air ballooning. Howard wondered why he would put his kids in danger like that. Robin said she did it once and realized how stupid it was when she got up into the air.
Robin used that as a segue and read a story about a couple of guys who died in a tandem parachute jump over the weekend.
She also read about Charlton Heston dying so they played Stuttering John's classic interview with him. They got a few laughs out of that when they heard a woman screaming at Stuttering John while he was trying to interview the guy. Gary Garver also got an interview with him so Howard played that as well.
Howard said that his mother had a run in with Charlton Heston one time and she was never a fan. He said that she was trying to hail a cab out in the rain one day. She got one to pull over and Charlton ran over, hopped in, closed the door and took off. Howard said that happened when he was still a little kid.
Robin had Howard playing a bunch of audio clips of Charlton Heston. They got distracted when Gary was talking about something and they noticed that he had his name on the back of his chair. Gary said that they do that so everyone gets their chair back after their weekly meetings. Howard goofed on Gary a little bit about that.
Ralph called in to goof on Gary and he said he actually forgot what it was he was calling in for because he was so distracted by that. Howard hung up on him a short time later.
Howard got a little distracted after Robin brought up Beyonce and Jay-Z getting married over the weekend. He had Fred playing the only Beyonce song he knows. He said that he ran into Jay-Z down in Florida the last time he was down there and he didn't introduce him to Beyonce. Robin said that has happened to her too. She said that Beyonce doesn't speak either. Fred ended up throwing in some clips of Howard's mom into the Beyonce song.
Howard talked about how Jay-Z has a couple of security guys standing by them when they're out at the pool. He said that Jay-Z is always on his phone and Beyonce is just laying there doing nothing. He said that she was really skinny when he saw her down there too. He said that the security guys would even follow her into the pool and chase little girls away from her if they got too close.
Howard talked about some of the girls he's seen down there in Florida. He said that there was one girl who was just about showing her ass hole with the tiny thong she was wearing.
Robin read a story about Eli Manning which led to the guys goofing on JD since he saw Manning there at the club Villa out in California. That led to Artie saying that they have to bring in JD's brother so they can see how similar they are.
Robin read some news about the Olympic torch that's being run to China. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard said that he read that there's a sex tape between Shakira and two dudes so he'd like to see that if it's real.
Howard went through some pictures that they have up on his web site where people have mashed up some pictures of the people on the show with other people. He showed some of them to the guys and got a few laughs from them.
Howard said that he's pissed off at Senator John Kerry for some comments he made about the satellite radio merger. He said that he doesn't want the FCC to rush their decision on the whole thing. He said that Clear Channel has also been trying to stop the whole thing and demanding that they give 50 percent of their bandwidth to terrestrial radio.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the merger and how it does seem like there's a conspiracy going on there. Howard said that the FCC should be able to make a decision and approve this thing quickly but they're still dragging it out.
Robin read some news about the price of gasoline and how high it's gotten lately. She also read a story about how much money the Clintons have made since Bill got out of the White House. They spent a couple of minutes on that story.
Robin read through a few more stories about various things like the congestion tax they want to start in New York City, some women who were being abused at a ranch run by a Mormon sect and teen drinking problems. She also read one about the number 1 movie at the box office. That led to them talking about the movie ''Leatherheads.'' Howard said he saw that but it was just okay. He said it wasn't all that bad but it was okay.
Artie revealed that he cried during a movie he was watching on the airplane. He said that he was coming back from his trip out there over the weekend. He said that it was the movie ''P.S. I Love You'' that he started crying over. He said that the guy sitting next to him was this Israeli businessman and that guy passed him a tissue.
Fred played some Artie clips where he was calling someone a ''loser faggot'' so it was like Artie calling Artie a loser. Howard ended the show a short time later right around 11:10am.
Jon moved on and talked about the Dr. Keith Ablow segment. He asked what was supposed to happen today. Gary said that they wanted to have in a few couple sand get some other people patched up. They were going to have JD and Jared and maybe Jason and Scott DePace come in to patch things up. They ended up going with High Pitch Mike and Artie instead.
Jon said that it appears that Mike wants to put this behind him but Artie isn't taking it seriously. Gary said that he can't figure out if Artie really hates mike or if he thinks that it's good for the radio, or a combo of both. They played a clip from that segment where they were trying to figure out a solution to their problem.
Gary said that on the surface it sounds like a dumb idea for Mike to compliment Artie but the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Jon said that they're both very stubborn people and neither of them are going to back down.
Gary said that he liked that Dr. Keith assumed that Mike had to deal with stuff like this his whole life. He felt bad about some of the stuff Mike was saying. JD was commenting on that whole thing and basically just said ''Whatever'' to it all. He said that he kind of got goofed on in school but never got thrown in a locker. He said that he didn't have gum thrown in his hair like Mike said he did. JD said that he played in little league and he'd be called names and stuff. He said he couldn't remember the names they'd call him though.
The guys talked about how Jason was playing a position in little league that they called ''the second right fielder.'' Jon and Gary got a few laughs out of that name for the position. The ball hardly ever got hit out there but Jason would hope and pray that it wouldn't fall there because he knew that he'd screw it up. He said he still hasn't ever caught a fly ball in his life.
Gary thinks that they need to get Gary and JD to play a game together for Howard TV. Jason said that JD is actually more athletic than he is so he's jealous of him.
A phone caller said that he doesn't think that anything Mike said today was genuine. He said that he seems to love the attention and to make people mad. He takes shots at everyone in his little news segments and stuff too. Gary said that once you cross that line with Artie, he'll never make up with him. He said that he's never going to forget what Mike said about his family.
Gary said that one of the lines that made him laugh really hard was when Artie goofed on Mike saying something about him being caught in a locker and not being able to breathe.
Jon asked Jason if he wanted to fix his relationship with Scott DePace. Jason said he has no interest in doing that so he doesn't care. He said that he's not sure anything would have come from that.
Jon asked JD if he thinks he would have been helped. JD said he doesn't see a reason to fix the problem because there's nothing to fix. Gary said that Jared isn't usually in there but he is today and he's just smiling and laughing about the whole thing.
The guys talked to JD about hanging out with Ryan Phillippe and seeing the cast of Scrubs at that club they were at. Teddy was talking about how they got asked to go out with Ryan and his friends. He said that they were texting them like crazy before the show was over. He said it was really surreal to have them asking them where they were and begging them to show up at that club.
Jason asked why it's okay for Ryan to ask JD to go out and find chicks but it's not okay for Jared to do it. JD didn't really have an answer for that. He fumbled through some thoughts trying to get them out. He said that there are just some people who he doesn't get along with and doesn't want them to help him out. He said that he just doesn't like Jared but he doesn't want to talk about it.
Jason said he'd love to know why he won't even acknowledge him in the office. JD didn't want to talk about it. He said that Ryan was less douchie about asking to hang out the other night. He said that he saw David Spade out that night and didn't talk to him but he doesn't think he's an asshole.
Benjy asked JD some questions about Ryan trying to figure out why he didn't have a problem with him. JD kept saying ''I don't know'' to just about everything they were asking. Teddy said that JD was really confident out there at the club and he was trying. He said that he seemed to love hanging out with those guys and wanted to move to Hollywood after that. They spent a few more minutes with JD before they had to go to break.
Richard said he was thinking about the great burgers that they have out in California. He said that the In and Out burgers are great. Teddy and JD missed out on that but they did go to a few other places while they were there.
Jon asked Richard about his drumming that he did today. Richard said he was really nervous today but he had a lot of fun. Gary said that he's heard a lot of his stuff and he's not surprised at all about how good he is. He said his son is starting to get into drumming and they've watched some Iced Earth stuff on YouTube so he knows how good he is.
Benjy said he was impressed with Richard but he was also impressed with Howard and Artie playing. Richard said that Artie has some power and really put his all into it. He thought Howard was good too.
Jon played a little bit of Howard singing along with Richard as he played drums. Richard said that was awesome, he didn't get to hear it while they were playing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was the funniest thing when he was doing the death metal thing because he almost crashed his car. That led to the guys talking about the woman who called in from that death metal band that was singing for Howard.
Richard said he watched his first basketball game the other night and he's now a big fan. He didn't know how long the game lasted but he guessed it was 12-15 minutes. Jon told him it was actually 20 minutes.
Richard said that he's going to go to the wedding but he's going to wait until after it actually takes place before he gives something. That got the guys talking about how much you're supposed to give to someone getting married. they spent a short time talking about that.
Jon asked Gary what he's going to do about Robin's charity. Gary said that he will give something because Robin has been very generous to his charity over the years. He said that he's not sure how much he'll give yet. Benjy said he's going to give something but he's trying to figure out just how much it would be so he doesn't look like an asshole. Richard said he'll give some money to Robin's charity but he'd give more if she would show him her tits.
Jon asked the guys who they think is weirder, Howard or Robin. Gary said that years ago it would have been Howard. He said that Robin is slightly stranger but both of them were very strange. He said that 10-15 years ago they were both nuts.
Richard said that he thinks that Robin is strange because of the coffee in the ass thing. He said that's just weird. That led to them talking about Howard's wedding as well. Gary said he doesn't think it's that odd that Howard is going to do things the way he's planning. They talked about that for a minute before Jon had to end the show.
Howard started off the show saying that Katt Williams was going to be stopping by today. That got Artie into his impression of Katt and using his ''Niggerdom'' line. Howard said that he started thinking about his obsession with Heidi Klum and Seal after Artie used that word. He said that they put pictures of their baby in the paper all the time now and the only reason they're doing that is because she's got a black baby. Robin said ti's the greatest career move for her because she's in the paper all the time now.
Howard said that you'd think that the German's would hate black people. He said he was under the impression that they did. He said that they got rid of their blacks over there. He said he's fascinated with the pictures of Heidi and her baby.
Howard said that Heidi is the whitest white person and that baby is so black that her whiteness didn't even make him light skinned. He said that shows how dark Seal really is. Howard said that's what they're basically saying in the paper by putting pictures of her baby in there all the time. He said they won't come out and say it but that's what it seems like they're trying to point out.
Howard said that Heidi is pretty much over now as far as modeling goes and Seal doesn't have any new songs. He said that Seal does just two songs and sang some of those two for the guys.
Artie said he tried to watch Dancing with the Stars the other night and it was so hard to take that he almost threw up after about 2 seconds. Howard said that he watched the show. He said that Beth was going out before that so he banged her first, before she left, and then went and watched the show.
Fred played some of the Seal songs that Howard was talking about. That got them back to talking about how black Seal is. Robin said that she thinks that Wesley Snipes is just a shade darker than Seal is. Howard said that he thinks that both of them are pure black.
Artie said that when he was roommates with Orlando Jones, who is black, he dated a smoking hot blonde girl by the name of Britney Daniels. He said that she's very white and blonde and he was with them all the time. He said that when they'd kiss it was startling to him. He said he would gasp out loud when he'd see that happening.
Howard said that you just use one drop in the toilet bowl before you go and it supposedly works. He said if it actually works he'd buy it. He told Sal to give it a try and have Scott DePace go in there and smell it. Sal asked if they could spray it on Scott's resume to see if it made that smell less worse. Artie said that his resume is the Howard Stern Show. He had just insulted Howard without knowing it.
Howard said he was trying to figure out the math in the article and thought he was wrong but the guys told him that he was right about the 2/3. That led to them talking about something secretive that Howard wanted to wait to talk about on the air. He's going to wait until about a year from now before he talks about whatever the hell it was he wanted to talk about.
Howard said he wanted to move on and not talk about the way things are going over there at the old station. He said that he was glad to see that they're not making the kind of money they were making when he was there. He had a lot more on his mind but wasn't able to talk about it for legal reasons.
Howard got back to the Heidi Klum pictures and talked more about her baby. He read through the article about the kid where they talk about her going out shopping with her baby. There's no article with it, it's just a picture of her and the baby and a mention that they were out shopping.
Howard said there's an article in the paper about how Obama was saying that he doesn't want to do anything Catholic religion related when he gets into the White House. That led to Howard talking about what he thinks the guy needs to do to get the votes he needs. He said that it's kind of looking like he's going to be the nominee now but he's going to have to give some speeches to get himself the black vote that he's losing to Hillary right now. He said he's going to have to make speeches to white people to get their votes and possibly do them while wearing skis. He said that he's going to have to tell the white people that he's going to arrest Jay-Z and Beyonce when he gets into office.
Artie said that he got a new bookie since the last Bookie screwed him out of his $78,000 winnings. He said that he only got 18 of that 78 grand. He said that he got a great tip the other night out in L.A. from Jimmy Kimmel's cousin Sal. He said that he told him to take Memphis so he did that. He put ten grand on that and won. He said he didn't get the money yet though. Artie said that he was watching the game last night because he took 5 of that 10 grand and put it on that game. He said that Sal didn't tell him to pick that game though.
Artie said he talked Nick Di Paolo to put 500 on that game. He started to watch the game and fell asleep at half time. Memphis was up by 9 points around then. He got up this morning and tuned into the local news. He said that Memphis was up by 3 points with about 2 seconds left in the game. Kansas came in and hit a 3 pointer. They went into overtime and Kansas beat them outright in overtime. He said that he lost because of that point spread.
Howard asked Artie about the money he didn't get paid and how that all worked out. Artie said that he did collect that 18 grand so he did make out by that much even though he was owed the 78. He said that his new bookie wants to keep his business because he doesn't win all the time. He said that he's going to eventually lose. He said that's what bookies do.
Artie said that the new bookie owes him $4500 right now. He said that he's pissed at Mario Chalmers on the Kansas team. That guy is on his shit list.
Richard came in to talk about the game but Howard didn't want to go there. He said that he wanted to move along. Richard said he never watches basketball but he watched that game and loved it. Howard said that Richard is like him and only watches a game now and then.
Howard asked Richard if he drank while he watched that game. Richard said he did but that's only because it was Kansas. He said that he had some girly drinks including one called a ''Flirtini'' and a mimosa and 5 creamsicles. He said that he usually doesn't drink during the week but he had to drink during that. He had a total of about 9 drinks. He said he thinks that's the only time he drank during the week so far this year.
Howard said thank you to Richard a bunch of times but he wasn't leaving. Richard told him to just tell him to get out of there, he won't be offended. Howard told him to get out of there after that but then said that he had a new prank call that he had Gary the Retard make to a Beagle dog breeder. They had Gary the Retard asking the guy for bagels with cheese. The guy hung up on Gary once so they called right back and had Gary asking more about the bagels. He called back a couple of times and started cursing the guy out. The guy was telling Gary to suck his dick during that call. Howard said that he loves that guys that are anti-gay will always tell other guys to suck their dicks.
Howard tried to take a phone call but he didn't have anyone there. It was the second call that he tried to take and no one was there. He had Scott the Engineer come in to check his work to make sure that there was nothing wrong with the phones. He said that maybe Scott didn't set them up right. Scott checked and said that they were set up right.
Howard eventually got someone on the line and figured it wasn't Scott's fault. The caller said that he doesn't get why these guys talk about getting blow jobs and stuff when they get pissed off at other guys. Howard said that it is kind of crazy talk when you hear that.
The caller asked Howard if he has ever thought about another woman when he's having sex with Beth. Howard said he never thinks about another woman when he's with Beth. He said that when he's beating off he might think about someone else but that's different. He said that he does that 99.9 percent of the time using other chicks in his catalog of women. Howard said that he's been beating off to this one woman for years because it rocked his world.
Artie said that he odes that with a bunch of one night stands that he's had. Howard said that his was a one night stand. He said he holds out a little longer in that fantasy. He said that he remembers being so humiliated because he came so fast with this chick. He said that he's embarrassed that he came so quick with that woman. He said that he must be on her list of the worst guys she's had.
Howard said that he'd go in and with 1-3 strokes he's blow his load. Robin said that she's never had that happen to her before. Howard said that it's kind of a compliment because the woman was so hot that he couldn't contain it. He said he wasn't being selfish or anything, he really wanted to do it but he just blew his load.
Gary said he's had that kind of thing happen to him. He said that he was with one woman who he didn't last long with. He said that she was complimented by it because he finished so quick. He said that he was able to last longer later on.
Artie said that the last Miss Howard TV was so hot that he wouldn't be able to make it out of his apartment, he'd have to mail in his orgasm. That led to the guys talking about how hot she was and how she fell on her head while doing some pole dancing. Artie said he got a DVD of her from Mike Gange and he's been jerking off to her. He said that he's been having sex with her all over the place in his fantasies. She doesn't know it but he's been with her all over the world.
Howard said he was showing Beth the video of Briana doing the pole dancing thing and falling off. The guys showed the video in the studio and Howard said that you can see it on EbaumsWorld.com. They watched it a couple of times but Howard had to ask them to turn it off.
Howard got back to the masturbation discussions and talked about the chick that he thinks about. He wasn't saying who she was.
Artie said that when he was with Dana she didn't know he was doing drugs. He said that he was doing some opiates which included heroin and a couple of prescription drugs. He said that the pills were the worst at making him last way too long. He said that Dana was worried that he wasn't attracted to her anymore. Howard told him that he should have faked his orgasm or something. Artie said that he'd need some mayonnaise or something to fake it. He said he wasn't using a rubber. Howard said he does so he can fake it. Howard did his faking it sound and had Robin laughing her ass off.
Gary said that Stuttering John told him a story about faking it with his wife one time when he was on some pills that made him last far too long. She knew that he was faking it though and asked him what he was doing.
Artie said that he had to tell Dana that he was still into her it was just the drugs that were making him last too long.
Howard said that he really should have banged Jillian. He wished that he had been with her before Beth. Melrose changed subjects and told Howard that the greatest thing he ever did on the show was the cover of ''Spirit in the Sky'' by Norman Greenbaum. Howard said that Melrose is right about that. Melrose said he met Norman Greenbaum's cousin and he told him that Norman loved it. Howard ended up playing a little bit of the song while they were talking about it.
Howard thanked Melrose for calling in and then hung up on him as he was name dropping some other people. Howard ended up playing another Losers cover song. He said that their greatest masterpiece was this cover of ''Herdy Gerdy Man.'' He said that he thought the song was going to be such a hit that competing radio stations were going to start playing it. As he was listening to it today he said that it's actually awful. He said the arrangement was great but his singing wasn't all that great.
Howard played some audio of Jillian Barberie talking about her obsession with him. She was saying that she gets obsessions with things in her life but only one has lasted for a really long time. She said that her obsession with Howard is that one that keeps going.
Howard said that Jillian is the best advertisement for his show. He said that the guy that works with her, Steve, must really want to fuck her and it must piss him off when he hears about Howard Stern all the time.
Howard said that he thinks that it's money well spent. Eric said that they should look at his picture on his screen. IT was Eric and Diana Degarmo that he took on Sunday night. Eric was going off on Steve for doing a story about him being a stalker and he's not a stalker.
Howard said that Eric was calling her far too much and that's what they were reporting on. Eric said that he's not going to start calling her now or anything like that. He just got to hang out with her on Sunday night.
Eric told Artie that he looked like shit on Kimmel last night. He said he heard that Artie went through three shirts but Artie said it was just two. Eric said that was the second time he met Diana. Howard said that's great.
Artie said that he was leaving Kimmel the other night and some dude came up to him and told him that he was there with Kendra. Artie said that it did look like her but he wasn't sure if it was her. He said he thinks that she was waiting to fuck him there at Kimmel. Eric said ''Yeah, right.'' He said he didn't think that it was her.
Robin asked Eric if he's still with her. He said that he's not going to say. He got in a plug for JFSC.tv as Howard was letting him go.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she loves when a man finishes quickly. She said it has to be fast for her. She said she'd prefer that a guy finish in a few seconds. She said that she can cum really fast and multiple times. They spent a couple of minutes talking to Jessica before Howard had to wrap up with her.
Artie asked Robin about being with Jimmy Florentine and if his loads are huge since his balls are huge. Howard said he doesn't think that ball size has anything to do with the size of your load. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard talked about the song and tried to figure out if it was positive or negative. He wasn't sure what they were singing about. Robin said they should play it over again but Howard said he'd rather get Eric the Midget back on the phone. The guys talked about how Eric doesn't seem to understand that no one cares about his problems with Steve Langford.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She came in and said that she went to the golf expo that Scott DePace was at. She said he sold 17 Video Caddy's at the expo. She said that Will Murray even showed up to support him.
Lisa said that she spoke to the owner of the Villa Lounge that JD hung out at over the weekend. He got a laugh and said that it looked like JD was in over his head there. She said that Abby the Queefer is looking to do some more queefing after having an operation on her area down there. She's bragging about her queefs being even stronger than ever now.
Lisa also mentioned that George Takei is on Secret Talents of the Stars tonight on CBS at 10pm. Howard let her go after that. Artie talked about how great her ass looked the other day and how he'd throw her a mercy bang if she wanted.
Robin said that Jim called her last night and said ''Hi this is Fred'' in his own voice. She thought that was pretty funny. Howard read some more mail about Ralph's noisy neighbors, Richard's drumming, Dr. Ablow's segment with Artie and High Pitch Mike and some other stuff. Artie was eating in the middle of that so when Howard asked him a question about the e-mail he wasn't on mic to answer.
Howard said that he got some feedback about his wedding plans and someone told him that it's not weird to do it the way he's doing it. Robin said that Howard is thinking of doing 3 weddings though so that is weird. Howard said he's not going to discuss that with her anymore.
Artie said that he wants to know if he can tell women that he's going to Howard Stern's wedding. Howard said that he can say that because technically it is their wedding. Artie said that can help him out with broads. He said he wants to bring a date with him. Howard gave him an ''oh no'' when he said that so he asked what was up with that. Howard didn't have much of an explanation for that comment.
Robin asked about the belt buckle he was wearing and he said that it was a dragon piece that a fan got for him. Howard said he's purchased a diamond ring for his girlfriend that was very expensive so that one must be really expensive. Katt said that it is very expensive. He said that he can't stop wearing it just because he's afraid that guys are going to try and rip him off. Howard thinks that he's asking for trouble by wearing it.
Katt said that it's basically an advertisement for the kind of money he's making. Howard read that he's one of the top guys in comedy right now. He came in second only behind Larry the Cable Guy. Katt said that he loves Larry the Cable Guy and said that he was laughing at him before he blew up. Robin said that he must be making a lot of he's only second to Larry.
Howard said that he must be making millions. Katt said that he is. He said that he went from homeless to multi-millionaire. Howard asked if he's working every night. He said that he is working a lot and doing a 100 city tour right now. He said that he's doing about 6000 seat venues. He said he's breaking some records and selling out the places he's playing.
Katt said that he's doing very well and the demographic has changed for him and it turned into an amazing atmosphere at the shows he does. Howard asked him if he thinks that Barack Obama can pull off this run for President. He said that it would be a big change if they actually did vote him in.
Howard talked to Katt about NY Governor Elliot Spitzer being caught up in the hooker scandal. Katt is always talking about pimps and stuff in his act so Howard spent a minute talking to him about that. Howard said that pussy brought down the governorship. They talked about the kind of money Spitzer was spending on that chick and how crazy that was.
Howard said he read that Spitzer was walking around in Central Park with his wife and he found that to be very surprising. He said they weren't holding hands but they were walking in the park. Robin said that maybe that's a good place to talk about your divorce in public.
Howard asked Katt about the jewelry again and asked where he shops for this stuff. He said he got one of his things from Johnny Dangs in Houston, Texas. He told Howard how much one of the pieces was and he said that it was about 70 grand. Howard asked about some of the other stuff and Katt was saying that he used to be homeless and this is all discretionary income that he's spending.
Katt said that he has a lot of kids to take care of and the jewelry is the thing he spends money on instead of cars and stuff like that.
Katt said that he's not too worried about people trying to rip him off. He has security for that. He said that Howard should know what that's like because their security there is impeccable.
Howard talked to Katt about going back home to his home town to show off all of this stuff. Katt said he left home at 13 and lived out on the street. He said that he'd go to the library during the day and he'd read. He said that he would rob cars at night. He said they'd steal radios and stuff like that to make some money for food.
Katt said he was out on the street from 13 to 17. He said that it wasn't even that bad at home, there was something wrong with him and he didn't feel normal and he had to get out. He said his parents must be really thinking that leaving home was a great thing because of the way things worked out for him.
Katt said that he ended up moving to Florida so he could be warm down there. He said that he can't imagine being homeless in New York. Howard said that he's always wondered why homeless don't all move to Florida to be warm.
Katt talked about how he just observing everything out on the street when he was homeless. He said that he was going from door to door selling magazines and stuff and that helped him out too.
Howard said that Katt has 8 kids and 7 of them are adopted. Katt said that he doesn't like talking about the adoption thing because he doesn't want to make things bad for the kids. He said that he came from a certain area and he wanted to do better so that's why he's doing what he's doing. He said he's trying to make up for some of the bad things he did in his life.
Katt said that he doesn't think he's ever going to even up for what he did but he can try. He said that he's just trying to keep up with it.
Howard asked Katt if he thinks that what Madonna and other celebrities are doing by adopting black kids is a good thing. Katt said he doesn't get why they have to travel to another country to get a kid when there are so many here in this country. He said that he wouldn't even know what to do with an African kid. He said that Madonna's kid isn't going to know anything about Africa if he's raised here.
Howard said that Katt is out promoting his album. He played one of his covers of a Prince song. He also talked to him about the movies he's working on and how he's supposed to worth with Eddie Murphy again eventually. He said that he doesn't hang with Eddie because he's got ''real money.''
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was at his show last Wednesday and loved it. She was one of the only white people there. She talked about some of the other comics and how good they were. Howard asked Katt if he remembers this woman since she was one of the only white people there. Katt just laughed.
Howard asked Katt if he goes for white broads and black broads. Katt said that he hasn't had a white woman in about 10 years. He said that he gets a lot of grief over a couple necklaces so being with a white woman might get him even more grief. He said he likes black women but if he liked a white woman he'd be with one. Howard said that he's upset that he hasn't been with a white woman in 10 years. He doesn't understand that.
Gay Ramone called in and asked Katt if he's ever had his asshole eaten out by a man. He said he hasn't had it from a man or a woman. He said he doesn't have the desire to do that. Ramone told him he doesn't know what he's missing out on.
Howard said that he doesn't have any desire to have anyone do that to him either. He said he'd feel bad for the woman if she had to do that. Katt said that he'd be worried that there was something wrong with his penis if a woman wanted to eat his asshole out.
Howard asked Katt about the court cases that he's had to deal with lately. Katt had a concealed weapon at an airport so he got into some trouble for that. He said he took that as a sign that he had to change some things he was doing.
Robin asked Katt if he's got a special lady right now. Katt said he thinks he's between special ladies right now but he's not even sure.
Howard asked him what the biggest mistake was that he ever made. Katt said he cursed his parents out last year. He said that things had built up over time and he just went off on them for stuff he had been holding on to since he was a child. He said when he was done he realized that he was an asshole for doing that to them. Howard asked what he said to them. Katt said that he's a professional and he was able to bring them to tears. He said that he's not sure what part of him thought it was going to be beneficial to do that because it wasn't good.
Howard said that he thought Katt was going to say that putting paint thinner on a door handle one time to burn a guy's hand. Katt said that wasn't the worst thing he ever did. Katt said that the burning starts when you touch it but then the cold water you wash it off with makes it even worse. Howard asked what he did to the guy that made him do that. Katt said that the guy kicked his ass but didn't do it honorably. He said that he laid in wait and hit him with a baseball bat while he was in the middle of a conversation. He said the guy was a hulk too and there was no way to beat him.
Howard asked why the guy would beat him with a bat. Katt said he was talking to the guy's woman and he thought he was hitting on her so he took a bat to him. He said that he didn't even know it was his woman. He said that he thinks he got hit in the shoulder blade when the guy hit him. He said that was about 10 years ago, right around the time that he had been with a white woman.
Katt said he was trying to get with that woman when the guy jumped out of the bushes and hit him. Howard said that he'd piss his pants if that happened to him. He said the woman didn't help him out either. She just stood around and watched. He said that most relationships won't stand up when you get beaten with a baseball bat in front of a woman. He said that's a very special thing for a woman to see.
Howard asked Katt if he tried to hold on to some dignity while he was getting beaten. Katt said that you might try to do some fancy foot work or something during the fight but it's tough to look good when you get beaten.
Howard said that Katt says that he's going to get out of the business in 10 years but he doesn't think he'll be able to leave it. He said that he has to love the business and he'll never leave.
Howard gave Katt some plugs for the DVD ''Katt Williams: American Hustle The Movie'' and for his new album ''Pimpin Pimpin'' that's coming out later this month. You can also check him out at KattWilliams.com or on Myspace
Howard took some phone calls for Katt and let some people ask him some questions. One guy said he doesn't believe that he was ever hit with a bat. He thinks that Katt would have been hit in the head before his shoulders if he's as short as he says he is. He said that he doesn't believe the homeless stuff either. Katt said that he was living on the streets for more than 4 years. The caller said that he thinks he's just amplifying what happened to him for his act.
The guy asked Katt about Artie and what he thinks about him. He was going to compliment him but he knew that the guy wouldn't believe him anyway so he gave up.
Another caller told Howard to stop being an accountant and let Katt spend the money the way he wants. Howard let that guy go and wrapped up with Katt after that. Katt was telling Howard how much he likes him but also mentioned that some people have told him not to do the show because they think he's so horrible. Howard said he gets that a lot and doesn't understand it. He gave him some more plugs and then went to break.
Richard said that he looked at the glove when he was done and it was a mess. Artie said that was rude and he sounds retarded saying that he was fine with it because he had gloves. Howard said that he would have wiped in the doctor's office bathroom or something before going in there.
Howard said that Sal told him that when he had his prostate exam he peed all over the floor. Robin asked ''What's wrong with these guys?'' Artie said that when he goes to the dentist he brushes his teeth for like an hour and he'd make sure he was clean down below if he did that.
Sal said that Artie doesn't go to the dentist. Artie hasn't been there for like 10 years. Artie said that when he does he brushes.
Sal said that the doctor told him that he might pee when he did the prostate exam and that's exactly what happened when he pulled on something in there.
A phone caller said that he had an appendix problem years ago and he had to shit when he went into the doctor. The doctor had to check him out down there and when he stuck his finger in there the shit came flooding out. Howard was ready to drop the topic after that.
Howard said that he would at least try to be clean before going in for a prostate exam. He said that he wanted to move on after that. Richard said that they have a prostate exam bit they want to do. Richard is willing to get one done on the air. Gary said that they have a doctor who is interested in doing this and they just need some volunteers.
Howard thanked the guys and told them to go back and practice what they can do with the prostate stuff. Artie said he thinks that Richard might be retarded after hearing that story. He said that he thinks that Ralph is right about that.
Howard played another clip where the pastor is talking about Ted Kennedy. The guy goes off on him and says that God is taking care of that family and that's why John is no longer with us. The same with Robert Kennedy and John John Kennedy.
Howard said that he doesn't get the point the guy was trying to make. He thinks that Ted Kennedy just got caught in the crossfire of that whole sermon.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to play today. He had some clips from John the Stutterer's show last night. He played one where John was talking about the electoral college after a caller asked him about it. John gave his explanation and stuttered through it with some pretty harsh stutters.
Howard said it sounds like John runs out of steam in the middle of that from the stuttering. He said it sounds like he's worn out. Howard said that MSNBC should hire a whole channel of stutterers. He said he'd actually watch it if they did that.
Howard played another clip where John was going off on a caller after the guy brought up Scott DePace and his views on politics.
Howard replayed the new Gary the Retard prank call he played earlier in the morning. It's the one where Gary calls a beagle breeder and asks to buy some bagels.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that Dick Vitale should be in the basketball hall of fame. Artie said that he was a legendary broadcaster. Howard wondered why he should be in the basketball hall of fame when he was just a broadcaster. He said that he could understand him being in the broadcasting hall of fame. Artie said that it should be an elite thing and maybe he shouldn't be in the hall of fame.
Howard said that the guy breaks down and cries at the drop of a hat. Artie said he did a commercial with him many years ago and that's how he got into AFTRA. He said that the guy almost cried for him when he saw him smoking. He told him how many family members he lost to cancer.
Howard played some audio of Dick Vitale breaking down and crying when he was talking about missing his parents and wishing that they were there to see him being inducted into the hall of fame. Artie said that the guy is synonymous with basketball and some people hate him as a broadcaster. Howard said ''join the club'' when he said that.
Howard had the guy, Richard, come in and asked him about the birth marks. He said that he got teased and beat up because of them. Richard said that this is a 1 in 3 million birth defect that he has. Howard said they look like freckles on his face but he's got some on his chest that are huge. The guy is only 23 years old but he's never gotten laid. He said that he had doctors who wanted to minimize them by doing skin grafts and stuff.
Howard said that he had a thought for this guy and said that maybe he should just tell chicks that he's a painter. He said that he has actually done that before. He said that he was a maintenance guy and cleaned the elevators so people would think he dripped something on him.
Howard told the guy that maybe he should just tattoo the rest of his body to blend it all in. He said that maybe he should make himself all black. He said he's used to it now.
Howard asked about the hair on the birthmarks and saw that he has a black ear and a white one. Robin said that this is what you'd expect Heidi Klum's baby to come out like.
Howard checked out Richard's back and said that it looked kind of ape like. Robin said that it's kind of pretty and there must be a woman out there who would be into that. It looked kind of like a hide on his back.
Howard said that Richard is having some trouble getting laid. He was able to kiss a girl when he was 10 years old. Howard said that he seems like a nice guy.
Richard said that they did do a skin graft on his face to lighten it up a little bit. they did that with his arm as well. Richard said he last tried asking a girl out about 2 weeks ago. She told him that she had to wash her hair. He said that she was bald like Britney Spears so that wasn't a great excuse.
Robin told him he should go out and pick up some blind chicks. Howard said that's a good idea and he really should give that a try. Howard said that if he didn't have the birth marks he'd probably be doing alright with the girls. He said that he'd date anyone who was interested in him. He said he doesn't judge a book by it's cover. Artie said that's what they're telling him, a blind chick might not care about the birth mark.
Howard asked Richard about the way the girls react to him when they see him. He said that they do kind of get freaked out by him. He said hat he used to get a lot of ''Eww'' from the girls. Artie and Howard even got that from girls.
Howard asked Richard if he thinks about that 10 year old kiss and jerks off thinking about that. Richard said that he hasn't jerked off this year at all because he's trying to hold out for a woman. He said that it might motivate him more to get a woman if he doesn't jerk off.
Howard told Richard that he might want to think about going to a whore. Richard said he wasn't even thinking about that. Artie told him that he'll set him up out in Vegas and get him one of those girlfriends that will stay with him the whole weekend. He said he would gladly pay for that.
Artie told Richard about this new web site that he was on called DisgustingFacebook. He said that he might want to join him there.
Richard said that he'd like to know why God did this to him and he'd like to talk to him to find out. Howard said that if God was going to talk to anyone it should be him. Howard asked if he ever gets angry that his brothers and sisters don't have the same thing. He said that he got used to it and wouldn't wish that on anyone. He said that's who he is and he wouldn't even wish for them to be removed from him if he had the choice now. He said that the skin grafts he had were from when he was a kid and his parents made him do it.
Richard said he's from Oxnard, California so Artie said that he must really fit in out there, he's near Malibu.
A caller said that Richard should just keep asking girls and he'll eventually fine one that likes him. Howard said that's what he had to do.
Artie said that he will get him out to Vegas and he's pretty sure he can get him some hookers out there that will take care of him. He said he will get him laid somehow. Howard said that this is a good thing. It might not be love but he can make believe that it is love. Richard said this will be more motivation for him.
Howard asked Richard if he has anything on his penis. He said that his penis is fine and he doesn't have anything on that. He said that he has the birth mark stuff on his ass though. Artie was kind of curious so Richard said he was there to bare it all and he'd show it.
Richard pulled down his pants and showed the guys his hairy ass. Howard said that he likes Richard. Robin said that he does seem like a sweet guy and she hopes that he's really this sweet in his real life.
Artie told Richard that he's going to set him up with a whole weekend out in Vegas and he'll pay for it. He kept telling him that he's going to get him laid.
Robin said that she might be able to get used to something like that if she was with a man who had birth marks like that. Howard asked Richard if he'd be with a woman who had a similar condition to him. He said that he's fine with anything as long as the girl is into him and she's willing to be with him. Artie said that when you really think about it you can judge a book by it's cover. He said that's kind of sad.
Robin said that she's not sure why this guy doesn't have any female friends. Richard said that he's trying. He said he is a nice guy and he's trying.
Howard tried to figure out how many other people like him there might be in this country. He said that if it's 1 in 3 million and there are 300 million people in this country, then there must be 30,000 people with the condition. He and Artie spent minutes going back and forth trying to figure out how many people there were out there like Richard.
Howard and Artie finally came up with a number and stuck with it. Then they said that there probably weren't any women who had that condition. Howard thinks that he could get a pretty attractive fat chick. He said that the amputee broad they had on the show, Jen, might go out with him. They threw out some other names of chicks who might go out with Richard.
Howard said that what they have to do is set him up with the Vegas thing. Artie said that he'll get another show or just go out there to hang and he'll get him out there. Howard said he'll keep Richard in mind and let him know if they find any chicks.
A caller said that he has a