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Howard started off the show trying to figure out what the date was. He said there was so much to talk about that he didn't even know where to begin. Robin said that she was thinking that Justin Timberlake was dead over the weekend. She read in an article about him that he had died after someone sent her an e-mail about that. She said that she found that shocking and just now she's thinking that it's not a true story.
Robin said that the guy who sent her the story was the same guy who sent her a story about Artie dying. She said that she looked up some news about another guy dying who was supposed to be with Justin and he had died months ago. She said it was probably an April Fools Joke.
Howard went on to talk about how Ralph has some noisy neighbors over where he lives and he hears everything through his paper thin walls. He said that he called him the other day and he could hear the noise coming from the party over the phone. He said that it should be mandatory that you can't hold a party like that because it's so annoying. He said that he got angry for Ralph after hearing that.
Howard said that Ralph gets calls from those same partying neighbors when his TV is too loud. He said that he doesn't have their number to call them back to complain about their noise. Howard said that he feels bad for the guy.
Robin talked about Stuttering John's neighbors and how he had some real problems with them. He had them put the head of a dead dog in his mailbox or something like that. John used to throw loud parties at his house and that's why they gave him a problem. Artie said that his parties were really loud, he's been to one of them so he knows.
Howard talked about some of the parties that are held out in The Hamptons and how annoying those can be. He said that he thinks that John had a dead dog's head in his mailbox but he wasn't really sure of the whole story. Artie said that he had some of the details in his head since John told him the story. He said that it was some kind of warning to John but he doesn't know how it was resolved. The guys said that maybe that's why John left to do the Tonight Show. Artie said he just saw John over the weekend. Howard said they'd get to that later.
Ralph called in and said that he heard that John looks really tan and like a model or something. Artie said he did look good but he's not sure about the model part. He said that he heard that he turned into a real asshole out there too.
Ralph said that his neighbors were up until 4:30 in the morning with that party. He said that he didn't want to be the person to go down there and make them stop with the party. He said that there's something wrong with people like that who have to do that stuff. He said that it was awful music playing too. It was techno music like the stuff that JD enjoys. Fred played a clip of what they may have been listening to and goofed on that. Ralph said that he'd rather live under the cast of ''Stomp'' than hear that techno music.
Howard said that he was getting some good movies that Ralph set up for him but now he's getting a few bad ones. He said that one of them was called ''Firewall'' and he didn't even put it in the player to watch it. He said he reads the description and just sends it right back.
Howard said he got one movie and Beth asked about it. It was ''Black Snake Moan'' and Beth refused to watch it. Howard said it sounded good to him but he's never seen a more horrible movie. He said that Justin Timberlake was in that and it was just bad.
Ralph said he never saw that movie and he e-mailed him that he hadn't seen it. Howard said that he doesn't read his e-mails from him. He said that Ralph has been leaving some really long voice mails and stuff and it's really annoying. He said he thinks that he has OCD or something.
Howard said that Christina Ricci is in that ''Black Snake Moan'' and she's really hot in it. He said that she got way thin and ''super friggin hot.'' He said that Samuel L. Jackson chains her up to a radiator in the movie and it was pretty hot. He said that he just fast forwarded to all of those scenes to watch that. That was the only redeeming thing about the movie. Howard said that was his Justin Timberlake story.
Howard said he feels bad for Ralph after that whole arty thing. He said he felt really bad for him this weekend. Ralph said that neighbor told him about the ''spring party'' that they were throwing. Howard said he should send her a note telling her that he's going to have a high school marching band in there.
Ralph said that he was watching Battlestar Galactica at full volume last night. He said that he's going to start blasting some techno music himself now. He said that one of his neighbors went to the party and they had a DJ in their apartment. Howard said that they've had that kind of thing going on at his apartment building and they want to throw people out when they do that.
Ralph said he didn't expect that kind of noise from a party. He said that he went to his neighbor's house and played cards so he didn't have to deal with it. Howard told Ralph to turn up the radio really loud and let him wake up his neighbors. He said they could also have Richard come over with his drums to wake them up.
Ralph said that on the note it said ''please forgive'' but they went on until ''four fucking thirty'' in the morning. He said that there are other neighbors who rearrange their apartment every few days.
Artie said that he likes talking to Ralph but he gets really crazy with the Hey Now'' stuff on the voice mails. He thinks that might be part of the OCD thing. Howard said that he always calls him back multiple times when he forgets stuff. They spent a minute talking about that before Howard had to bail on Ralph.
Howard said that he had some awful neighbors in Hartford when he lived there. He said that he hated it. Howard said that the neighbors must hate people like Puff Daddy out in the Hamptons. He said that people are really inconsiderate when it comes to that kind of stuff. Robin said some people just tell you to fuck off when you ask them to turn down the music.
Howard said that John would invite hundreds of people and then he'd get mad if they didn't show up. He said he'd say that they weren't his friends anymore if they didn't come. Artie said that some chicks will say that you're boring if you don't go to a club to listen to that shitty dance music. He said that they're the ones who are boring because they can't carry on a regular conversation.
Howard said that he was watching Artie on Jimmy Kimmel last week and he as getting worried about him. He said that he was wearing a t-shirt that he got at the show because he was sweating so bad that his sister made him change shirts. He grabbed a Jimmy Kimmel shirt so he wouldn't be all sweaty. The first thing you see on his shirt is the sweat in the clean shirt.
Artie said that there were a few things going on out there. He said he was in a hot car being brought to the show and then he got there and his sister told him to get changed. He said that the segment producer got him a shirt and he only had it on for about 10 minutes before he went on stage and sweat right through it.
Artie said he was stressed out and sweating but Howard said that he's basically sweating over nothing. Artie said that he agrees, there's no defending what he looks like at this point. Howard told him he should have Teddy towel him down. Artie said that would be great.
Artie said that he's been doing like an hour and 10 minutes at his comedy shows and he looks like he just jumped in a pool after the show. He doesn't sweat in a sexy way.
Artie said that it was good to have his sister around to help him figure out he looks like crap. EH's more worried about the jokes than the way he looks.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave him a situation and asked what he would do if Billy Joel and his wife invited Beth down to visit them in Miami in the middle of the week. Howard said he's not sure how he'd handle it but he probably wouldn't stand for it and he'd break up if she went. Artie said he doesn't think she'd do that, she knows that it's wrong to leave Howard behind. Howard said that he has Beth chained up to his radiator at his apartment, that's how he keeps her at home.
The caller asked Howard if Beth masturbates a lot. Howard said if she does she doesn't tell him about it and it's better that way. He said he'd rather not know if she is.
Artie said that he wanted to go out with Jimmy after the show and Sarah Silverman was taking care of his kids. He said he admires the way Jimmy makes that stuff happen. He said that he got to see Sarah for a short time. David Spade showed up and Nick DiPaolo went out with them too. They all went to Nobu and met up there.
Howard heard that JD and Ryan Phillippe hooked up and hung out. Robin and Fred sounded shocked when they heard that. Howard explained who Ryan was and how cool he was when he was on the show recently. Artie said that guy is really cool and he was good in that movie ''Stop Loss.'' He said it was really well done and he was really good in it.
Artie said that was Thursday night that he did his comedy show. He said that JD has been following him around and he's going to be doing this blog thing for his new web site when they launch that. He said that he's trying to help JD get laid out on the road because he really likes the guy. He said he'll tell the girls to check him out on stage at the end of the show.
Howard said that he can't imagine why JD isn't getting laid. He said that even the new governor of New York is getting laid and he's blind.
Artie said that the next night they played at the Universal Amphitheater in front of 6,000 people. He said that twas very cool. Ryan Phillippe showed up, George Takei was there and he was like an A-list celebrity there. He had George get up on stage with him and had some fun with the word ''faggot'' out there with him.
Artie said he never got to see Ryan back stage because he had to go to the hotel to shower after he was done. He said that his agent told him that Ryan wanted to connect with him. He said that Teddy got a text from Teddy who said that JD was going to go out with Ryan.
JD said that Ryan met him and said he wanted to take him out to get drinks and stuff. Howard figured that they were going to try and help JD get some chicks. JD said that he and Teddy went out to this club Villa and there were a bunch of Paparazzi standing there. He said that they got right into the club when Teddy told the door guy who he was. Ryan helped out with that and helped get them in.
JD talked about walking into the club and saw people from the show ''Scrubs'' and wondered what was going on there. He said it was really weird for him to see that. Then they saw Ryan standing around drinking with some of his friends. He said that there was some guy there named Fidel who goes around looking like Fidel Castro.
JD said that Ryan introduced him to a hot chick and the girl asked why he was introducing him to her. JD said that Ryan told her that he was a friend of his. JD said that Ryan was saying that he was the biggest celebrity to him and his friends even though Eli and Peyton Manning were there.
JD said that the chicks ran off after that introduction. He said that was it for the hot chicks that night too. Howard said that Ryan must have hooked up with someone but JD said that they just ended up going back and hung out at this guy's apartment. He said that Ryan dropped them off at the hotel after hanging out for a while. There were no chicks hanging out with them.
Howard said that JD isn't getting laid no matter what but Artie thinks that he can if he just lies a little bit. He can use the Howard Stern Show mention as a way to get laid too.
Ralph called in and said that JD is the biggest loser, but he loves him. He said that he's out with Ryan Phillippe and he still can't get laid. JD said that the girls were more into Eli Manning than they are to him. Of course they are but Ryan Phillippe is giving JD his stamp of approval and he still can't get laid.
Howard told the guys they have to take JD out and tell the women that he's mute or something. Either that or tell them that he's Bill Gates and he invented Windows 95 and XP. They have to tell these women lies about him to help get him laid.
Howard talked about how fat JD is getting with the gut hanging out. JD laughed and thanked him for that. Gary said that there was more about JD going out. He got introduced to Sofia Vergara and only talked for ''a second'' and that was it.
JD said that the owner of the club introduced him to her and he talked to her about the show she used to be on that he used to watched when he lived in Florida. Howard said he wished he had a tape of that conversation. He said that she didn't know what he was talking about so he just felt like an asshole and that was about it. He said that she was gone a short time later.
Artie said that back stage at the comedy club was weird. He said that JD's brother was there and they're really very much alike. He said that they both laugh and talk the same. He said that it was like JD in stereo. Stuttering John was there, Henry Hill, Blue Iris, George Takei, Sam Simon, David Spade and others were there.
Artie said that he lost it on the Bleeding Deacons that night. He said that he asked them to play at his gig and went to the sound check. He said that they seem to be a garage band made up of 8 48 year old guys. He said that he was trying to get some stuff done that he wanted to do and the guy from the band wanted him to smash a guitar. He said he didn't want to do that but the guy was on him the whole night about that.
Artie said that they were supposed to just play a few songs and get off the stage. They were supposed to start the comedy show at 8:15. They were playing insanely loud and no one could hear anything out there. He said that they went on for about 30 minutes too long. He said they had a guy dressed like him running out and feeding him stuff. He said he was stressing about the show and hearing the whole thing. He asked Teddy what the fuck they were doing and just wanted to get the show going. He knows now that he should have been more specific. They hijacked the fuckin stage according to Artie.
Artie said that Teddy got a stage manager to get them off stage but the guy from the band asked if they wanted to hear one more song. He said that he played another 8 minute song after that.
Daniel from the Bleeding Deacons called in to defend himself but Artie wanted to finish his story. He said that they started smashing their guitars as they were starting the comedy show. They were being loud and annoying and smashing guitars and he was getting red with anger. There was smoke coming off the stage and they had to go out and sweep the stage up. Then the crowd started to boo. They didn't applaud for it at all.
Artie said that the guy who was hosting the show had a hard time after that getting the crowd's attention. He said that he went off on Daniel for what they did and he probably said some things that he shouldn't have.
Howard told Artie that he should have told them to just play some song parodies and then get off. Daniel said that he asked them to tell him when they wanted him to get off stage. They never did that. He said they were willing to do whatever they wanted. He said that they wanted them to play for about 30 minutes and then they were going to do their parodies.
Artie said that they did tell them to get off the stage and they still played another song. Daniel said that they never told him to get off in the monitors. Artie insisted that they did. He said that the show really went well after that and he ended up apologizing to the band for yelling at them and thinks that he paid them more than he needed to.
Artie said that this show was the Carnegie Hall of the West Coast for him but it didn't work out that well. He said that he didn't understand why they were smashing their guitars and stuff either. He said that they should have cleared that with him. Daniel said that he cleared all of it with the people at the venue.
Howard said that JD is in charge of taping everything for Artie and he missed the argument with them. JD said that they're not allowed to film on stage so he had to hide the camera. Artie said that he should have been able to tape it back stage though.
Daniel said that he really did tell them that they were willing to get off as soon as they got the word. He said they really felt bad after Artie lost it on them. He said he didn't go out to mess with his hero out there.
Howard said that the shows are a recipe for disaster. Howard told Daniel that he didn't do anything wrong, there was just miscommunication going on. Daniel said that he asked if they wanted to hear one more song and he was talking to the stage manager, not the crowd.
Artie said he was trying to help promote the band but it turned into a nightmare. He said it was just a bad moment.
Howard asked JD about going out with Ryan Phillippe and his friends. JD said that they just hung out and talked about being fans of the show. JD said that he was just talking about stuff when he was there. He didn't know what he was talking about.
Artie said that guy Jason Itzler was there at the comedy show and he's kind of a close talker. He was like an inch from his face talking to him. He said that he said something really insulting to him and said that he might be able to get him a wife but if not, he's got Eastern European women who will marry anyone. He said that was really insulting to him.
Artie said he saw his old friend Nicole Sullivan out there. He said that Sam Simon is dating a really hot chick too. He said that he had never met her before. The night was really interesting and it turns into a SIRIUS pep rally when he goes out. Artie said that Henry Hill came out and he was fucked up on stage that night.
Howard said that he can't imagine listening to a whole concert of that stuff. Howard didn't think it was musical at all. Richard used to play in a band that performed like that so he's going to demonstrate his drumming this morning.
Howard played another speed metal version of ''Losing My Religion'' which started out pretty good but then it goes all wrong when they start singing and playing really heavy stuff.
Richard came in and got ready to do his demonstration. He got on the drums and said he was going to play whatever they wanted to hear. Howard told him to just drum as fast as he could. Richard warmed up a tiny bit and then started playing as fast as possible. He played for just a few seconds so Howard asked him to play some more because he was just getting into it.
Richard played some of what they had just heard in one of the songs that Howard played. He pulled it off and sounded very similar to the guy in that song. Howard wanted to sing along with Richard so he had him play some more and sang ''Sweet Dreams'' in the worst performance ever. Artie asked him if he ever misses being in his band and going out touring. Richard said he really doesn't miss it too much. Howard pointed out that he was out on tour staying in YMCAs, not in really nice hotels like some bands do.
Richard said that he still plays drums about an hour a day. He said that he writes some songs too and they have some stuff coming up on Howard TV where he plays drums. He had a song that he created so Howard played a little bit of that. Richard plays drums and guitar on that song. Howard started to sing along with it and then Fred started throwing in some dong growling sounds.
Ralph called in and said that was really bad and there's no talent there. He asked him what he can do with that. Howard told him to get off the phone after he asked Richard what he's going to do with that kind of talent. The guys said that's coming from someone who doesn't work. Richard said the name of his song was ''Frost'' because he had a bottle of Gatorade Frost in front of him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was staring at a picture of him over the weekend where Howard is posting with Beth and Katie Lee Joel. He said that he probably spent about 4.5 hours staring at it because he was so fascinated by Beth and Howard. He said that it was a really good picture. Howard said it's really weird to see himself with a hot chick like that. He said that he finds it weird when he sees Robin and Jim together too. He said that he wouldn't look at a picture of Jim alone in the past but now that he's with Robin, he stares at it wondering what that's all about.
Gary came in and said that he had to give Katie Lee Joel a plug for her book because his wife was using it and there are pictures of Katie in the book on every other page. Gary said that he was checking that out after his wife told him about it.
Howard took some calls about Richard's drumming and a bunch of people though he was really good. One woman said that she finds Richard to be really hot. She said that his drumming is really hot to her. Artie told her she should smell his balls. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Beth told him yesterday that Robin had reminded him that he's supposed to buy the back of the cover of the book for her charity event. He said that he wondered what that was all about and he heard that everyone there at work had been hit up for money. Howard said that he knows that someone is kind of upset about being hit up for a thousand bucks. He didn't want to say who that was though.
Howard said that this isn't right. It's like people who sell cookies at work. They used to get really upset with people who would do that. Howard said that Robin is going to get all of the glory out of this charity but it's everyone giving money that should be getting the glory. He said he wrote the check out to Robin but refused to bring it into work and told Beth to just mail it to her.
Howard wondered if he's wrong for feeling that way. Gary said that he's not because he never hits people up for money there at work. Howard told Robin that she's the weird one, not him. Meanwhile Robin is on that Mike and Juliet show talking about how weird he is for having a wedding alone and then throwing two different parties for family and friends.
Robin said that Howard said that he was getting married alone with Beth and no one else. Howard said that he didn't want to give all of the details, but they are getting married in front of family.
Gary said that he doesn't lean on anyone for money for these charities. He said he just can't do that. Robin said that she's not just hitting up people at work, she's hitting up her personal friends too. Howard said that she's going to be supporting a different charity every year and she's going to be hitting them up every year.
Howard said he has about 20 charities that he supports but they don't even know who he supports because he's not hitting people up. He said that Robin wants them to write something for the back of this program but there's no way he's putting a picture of himself on there. Artie told him to print out Sal's apology verbatim as a goof.
Gary said that the head of the company, Mel Karmazin, was out in the lobby and told Robin what he wanted to give. Robin asked him ''Is that the best you can do?'' Robin said that it was Jason who told her it wasn't that much and got her to ask for more. Robin said that Mel didn't up it though. He stuck with that amount.
Howard had some audio from Robin's appearance on the Mike and Juliet show. He said he didn't even like the promo they had for it. They asked why Howard and Robin didn't date in the pre-interview and used that in the promo. Howard sounded annoyed by that.
Howard played the audio from Robin's interview where Juliet was introducing her. Howard said that chick has a really nice body. Lisa said that she lives in Artie's town and wanted to help him up with a chick or something. Artie said he thinks he knows who she is.
Howard didn't want to play the whole segment so he cut out the beginning of the segment and went to the part where she was being interviewed live. They listened to that and goofed on it a little bit. Robin talked a little bit about how she started out with Howard and how some of the stuff that Howard does freaks her out. At one point she said that Howard was an ''okay guy'' but then corrected it to ''great guy.'' She said she was just trying to point out how normal he was. Then she tells Juliet how weird Howard is for doing the wedding the way he's doing it. They go to break after a brief segment.
Howard said that Robin talks about how weird he is but that Juliet should have pointed out that Robin puts coffee up her ass. He played the second part of the interview where Robin was talking about her Girls Night Out group.
Howard asked Lisa if she had given to Robin's charity yet. She hasn't yet. Fred hasn't either but he's going to give the money first and then let people ask how much he gave. Artie has given a few bucks to the charity already. The guys spent a minute talking about the charity that Robin is working with and how they're not even sure if she looked into it that much.
Fred did a voice saying that he was the president of the country that Robin mentions, Eritrea, when she plugs this charity. Then Artie asked him to do that voice and Jim Florentine's. He did a little bit of that. Robin talked about what the charity is going to be supporting and how that's all going to work.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with Robin. He said that Robin didn't even know how to pronounce the name of the country when she first started talking about it. She's also got Jason working for her doing stuff for her and he thinks that she's doing it to get her to pay attention to her.
Robin mentioned that they are auctioning off a bunch of stuff at CharityFolks.com for this charity she's supporting.
Howard took some more calls from a couple of guys. Bong Hit Eric seemed to be all for her supporting it but there was another guy who said that Lisa sucks and does nothing but boring stories. She said they do all kinds of stories in the news. One guy asked Robin to go back to racing cars instead of doing this charity thing.
Howard got back to the clip from the Mike and Juliet show. Robin talked about her Girls Night Out group and laughed at the name of the group when she mentioned it.
Howard asked what Annemarie does in this group. Robin said she was instrumental in getting a contribution from ''Ugly Betty'' so she's helping out that way. Howard asked her about some of the other people who are contributing.
Ralph called in and said he was going to goof on Robin's charity but now that he's heard that you can bid on a walk on for ''Ugly Betty'' then ''wow.'' Howard hung up on him and told him to get out of there. He wondered who was letting him on so much.
Robin said that she thinks that they've raised about $28,000 so far. Howard thinks that she's going to raise a couple hundred thousand. Then he read that she's actually raised $48,000 so far. Fred went back into the President of Eritrea voice and said that Robin would be perfect if she had her clit cut off. That led to the guys talking about how that's a problem in some African countries. Robin said that she doesn't think that Zebiba had her's removed but that is a problem in the country she's sending her charity money to.
Ralph called in and asked Robin why she doesn't just donate that kind of money to the charity herself instead of hitting everyone up for money. They talked about the clitoris removal thing for a few minutes. Robin said that sometimes it's not just the clitoris, it's the labia that's removed as well.
Howard got back to the Mike and Juliet show clip and ended up goofing on that a little more. The clip was pretty short since Robin's interview wasn't all that long. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the charity after that. Howard pointed out that there was no mention of Jim Florentine in that segment.
Lisa got back to her news preview and mentioned some of the stuff she'd have about Robin's visit to that show. She had some back stage interviews with Robin to go over. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Howard said that he's not friendly with Yucko, he's just had him on the show a few times. He said that he's got to know he's not going to go to his wedding. Robin said that she's never even seen Yucko without his make up on.
Howard said that he heard from Ronnie that he sent Yucko a gift after he mentioned last week he wasn't going to send him anything. Ronnie said that he sent him a gift and now he's calling him a cheapskate on the air. He said that he sent him $50 and he's calling him cheap so he's going to put a stop payment on the check. Ronnie said he heard that his girl doesn't even want to marry him now. He said he heard that she's into some roller blading chick now so maybe he should take that 50 bucks and buy her some skates.
Howard said that he's not going to send Yucko a dime. Shuli came in and said that he's going to the wedding. He said that he heard that Ronnie's checks have race cars on them. That led to the guys goofing on Ronnie about that a little bit.
Shuli talked about how Yukco's girl has cold feet about the wedding now. Howard said that he heard that there was no problem and they weren't going to come in to meet with Dr. Keith Ablow today. Shuli was also saying that Yucko's girl is involved with that Roller Blading thing and he's hoping she doesn't leave him for a woman.
Artie said that he's probably going to send Yucko a check. Robin said that she has the invitation but she won't let Howard shred it. Howard told her to give it to him and he'll help her out with that. He said that he gets a lot of these invitations from people looking for gifts and he really can't send out money to everyone. He said that he's giving his money to GNO instead of Yucko.
Gary came in and asked if Will and Jason should be sending invitations. Howard said they absolutely should because he knows them. He said that he might go to Jason's wedding if it's in town. Gary said it's going to be in Jersey. Howard said he won't be going then.
Artie asked if Howard had set a date for his wedding yet. Howard said he hadn't but Artie said he heard from one of the chicks at the Kimmel show that she knew the date. Howard told him not to listen to that. He was also saying that he wasn't going to have a bachelor party. The guys told him that he has to have one and even if he doesn't want one, he should show up for a minute and let them party themselves.
Artie asked Howard who his best man would be if he had to pick someone at work. He said it would be Ronnie the Limo Driver. Artie said that it's a lot of responsibility to be the Best Man. They spent a short time on that and then Howard said he had to go to break. He wanted to know who they had Dr. Ablow coming in for. Gary said that they're supposed to try and mend Jason and Scott DePace, Jason and Jared and Artie and High Pitch Mike. Scott DePace said that he wasn't interested in this segment. Howard told him that they're not interested in his Video Caddy either so he should stop bringing that up on the air.
Howard said that Dee's kid was wearing leather pants with tassels and had his shirt open and he really shouldn't have been wearing that. He seemed to think that it was a bit outdated looking. He said he thinks that Dee's wife must have dressed him.
Howard talked about how Kelsey Grammer's daughter, Spencer, was on Jimmy Kimmel the night that Artie was on. He said that she was on the show at one point and had no relationship with her father at the time. Kelsey stopped talking to her until she got on a hit show. Now Kelsey won't talk to him at parties and stuff because of what his daughter said about him on his show. He said that he shouldn't be pissed at him, he should be pissed at his daughter. Artie talked about how radiant Spencer was and how sexy she looked.
Gary came in and said that the reason that Kelsey is mad at Howard is because of the Irritable Bowel Syndrome thing that they did with his wife Camille on the show. Howard said that's what he says publicly but that's not the real reason he's mad. He said that he knows it's because of his daughter being on the show. Howard had to wrap up the segment and go to break a short time later.
During the break Howard mentioned that he had flagged the E! show that Kelsey's daughter was on and they never aired it on TV. He said that he had a feeling back then that she might want to get back together with her father and didn't want to rub it in Kelsey's face at the time. That's how protective of him he was.
Richard said that he could play that part of the song so Howard had him sit down at the drum set and play some of it. Richard went over and did it almost like Alex did it. It was just slightly off from the original. Fred said he had it. Howard said he could do that. Robin told him to go try.
Howard got up and went to the drum set and attempted to play what Richard had just played. He needed to get some quick pointers from Richard and then tried to play. He wasn't close to the Van Halen song but his drumming wasn't horrible. Artie said that it was okay but not like Richard. Robin asked if he could play a song. Howard pounded on them some more but he wasn't really making music.
Howard said he was exhausted. Artie asked if he could give it a try and went over to give it a try. Howard said he doesn't know why Richard is fat if he plays the way he does. Artie went over and banged on the drums for a few seconds. He wasn't even as good as Howard. Howard told him he had the power of a Bonzo Bonham. It sounded like a kid banging on pots and pans. Artie said he doesn't know how drummers can last that long playing. He was worn out after just a few seconds.
Richard went over and played for a few more seconds but Howard had to move along. He had Dr. Keith waiting. Artie went over to sit down but he was out of breath and sounding like Lou Costello after he saw The Mummy.
Howard said that Dr. Keith was in to promote the paperback version of his book ''Living the Truth: Transform Your Life Through the Power of Insight and Honesty.'' He said that he really needs to get his own reality show like that Celebrity Rehab show. He went on to tell him about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show lately and how they had a few people that he might want to help out today. He brought up High Pitch Mike and Artie and the fighting they've been doing on the show. He explained to Keith about why Mike might be upset with Artie and how the whole thing got started. He said that it was probably the vacation that Mike took to Disney during gay week.
Mike said that he thinks that it was Artie calling him a faggot numerous times that led to them fighting. Mike said that he thinks that Keith would be better off helping out the other people instead of them. He doesn't think that Artie is ever going to be friendly to him. Howard said that he'd like to make it easier for the two of them to work together there.
Mike said that he doesn't think that this is going to work out so he'd rather not be part of it. Howard said that it is getting out of control now and they do need a resolution there. Dr. Keith said he understands the anxiety with this and wondered if he'd been in any type of therapy before. Mike said he hadn't been.
Dr. Keith said that the roots of conflicts like this might not even be between the two people involved. He said that Artie might be feeling scared by some of the stuff that Mike represents to him. He said that Mike has to understand that this is a direct challenge to Artie and he might be afraid of being like him.
Artie pretended he wasn't hearing any of that and asked if he was saying that he was afraid of being an acne covered geek or something. Howard said that maybe Artie is afraid of being the geek so that's why he says stuff like that.
Dr. Keith said that they're not going to settle for this being just about name calling. He said that this is like Artie raising a shield and it seems that he's doing it as a distraction. They spent a minute talking about that and then Mike was saying that he's the only one there who calls Artie out on some of this stuff. He said that everyone else tip toes around him, even Howard.
Artie said that he thinks that Mike is an enormous asshole. Mike said that when he's attacked he's going to fight back. Artie said ''You should sweetie...'' He said that the guy he should really be going after is the guy who let him out of the locker.
Dr. Keith asked Mike what he's gone through in his life being bullied. Mike said that he had people goofing on him in school by throwing gum in his hair and stuff. Artie laughed at him about that. Dr. Keith asked Artie what it is about him that makes him want to be so cruel. He asked ''why him?'' Artie said that he keeps coming in and if someone else came in, he'd talk about them. He had a mouth full of food as he was saying that.
Mike asked if he had to go through with this because he knows that one of the two of them could explode and he doesn't want to go all Columbine on someone. He said that he wouldn't go to that extent but he could explode and throw something at Artie. He doesn't want to do anything like that. He said that Artie has already physically assaulted someone (Sal) on the show and nothing was done about that.
Dr. Keith asked Mike what he'd like to happen. Mike said that he'd like Artie to just stop talking about him. He said they seemed to have an agreement to do that but then Artie went on Adam Carolla's show and talked about him. He said that there was also an edit during the Kimmel Show last week so he's wondering what that was about. Artie said that he called Mike a fag there. He sounded like he was being sarcastic though.
Howard took some phone calls and Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this was getting out of hand. She told him he needs to take this seriously. Another caller said that Mike is a self-serving faggot and it's his fault that all of this is happening. Another caller said that he thinks that maybe Mike is sexually attracted to him and that's why all of this is happening. Artie said that might be it but then he said that Mike is not gay and he has to keep reminding himself about that.
Dr. Keith said that maybe Artie can't see the good things about Mike. Artie said he hasn't seen any yet. Mike said that Artie has been coddled all his life. Dr. Ablow cut him off and said that he hasn't been coddled, he doesn't know that. He asked Mike about his family members and found out he's got a couple of sisters but no brothers. He said that Mike has to stop engaging in this fighting and just let this stuff roll off his back. He said that he has to be like Gandhi and just be a man of peace. He said that this won't last forever and he will be able to break through eventually with Artie.
Dr. Ablow asked Mike to just say some nice things about Artie when he says negative things about him. Mike said he can't do that. Artie said that he'd deck him if he did that because he'd think that he was coming on to him.
Mike said he had something positive about him and said that he likes how he's still proud of ''Beer League'' even though it did horrible at the box office. He said that he also has some good one liners on the show and he's great when he's on and missed when he's away. Artie said that he didn't really care after that. He didn't put him down though. Dr. Ablow said that's a good thing. Artie said that was because they didn't let him finish.
Artie asked Mike how he sees himself killing them all there. Mike said he never said he was going to kill them all. Artie said that he likes the idea of Mike saying nice things to him while he can still say nasty things about Mike. Artie said that he was going to go along with that so he only wants to hear compliments. He told Mike ''Only compliments douche bag!''
Artie wanted to hear something nice from Mike but Mike wanted to hear something nice from him too. The guys told him that Artie is going to try. Mike said that he has a great family. Artie said he wasn't going to say anything other than that he agrees with him about that.
Mike told Artie he thinks that he's a great dresser so they stopped him there and said that he's being sarcastic there. Artie told him ''only compliments ass wipe!''
A woman called in and said it's more fun when they fight with each other so they should get Dr. Keith out of there. She said that she does love his books though.
Artie said that he'd love to hear Mike doing his plugs or something every day. Another woman called in and said that Mike has always come into the studio and stirred things up with Robin, Sal and Richard and others. He has said vicious things about all of them and he loves all of this air time. Howard said that
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Mike is scary talking about the Columbine kids. Artie agreed and said that maybe they should get the hell out of there.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Artie if he would ever forgive Mike for what he said about his sister. Artie said he can't. The guys said that Mike is trying to extend that olive branch though. Dominic asked if he'd forgive him if he blew his brains out. Artie said ''maybe.''
Another caller pointed out the Columbine statement and they all have to be careful from now on. Mike claims that he was just pointing out that those kids were bullied too. The caller went off on Mike for a few seconds calling him a ''Googly Eyed Fuck'' and other things.
Dr. Keith said that Mike is trying here. Artie then joked about him being on AZT and called him a ''faggot.'' Mike was ready to shoot back with a comment but the guys tried to get him to stop saying that Artie was just joking around. Dr. Ablow thinks that the plan for Mike to just compliment Artie would work. Howard said that it seemed to be working.
A caller told Howard that he's been saying ''Abalow'' when it's actually ''Ablow.'' Howard said that he would try to get that right from now on then.
Mike said that he's not going to think that this is going to work until he hears nice things from Artie. Artie told him that's not the deal. He said that Mike has to say nice things to him and he can say whatever he wants. Mike then asked a question about Artie going back to being a nothing once Howard retires. The guys told him that's not really sticking to the plan. Artie told him to get some will power and stop going there.
Howard thanked Dr. Keith for coming in and wrapped up after giving him a plug for his book. He said that he thinks that he's really good at what he does and he does some impressive work. He said that he's not sure what planet he's from but he seems to be a good guy.
Artie said that he had this plan to have Mike say nothing to him when he continues to insult him. He said he didn't bring it up because he thought that they were going to laugh at him. He said that he's looking forward to a relationship with someone who he can insult and that person won't fight back. They went to break a short time later.
Robin said that she is in control sometimes though so that's where it doesn't seem like an illness. Howard said that it's like a wife beater who can be under control most of the time. She said that he was making sense with that.
Howard played an audio clip of Naomi's assistant talking about Naomi throwing her Blackberry phone at her one time. Howard said that maybe she should have just given her a compliment. She said that Naomi did apologize to her after doing that.
Howard asked Yucko if his fiancé really has cold feet about the wedding. He said that they did have some shaky moments there for a little while but they're okay. Howard told him that he should have come in to go over that with Dr. Keith. Yucko said that he doesn't trust that bald headed fuck.
Howard asked what Jon Hein sent to him for his wedding. Yucko said it was $150. Artie wanted to know who he should make it out to. He figured it was his real name and kind of gave it out without actually saying it. Howard told Yucko he should have run off to Vegas and gotten married right away.
Gary asked if it was true that they were on Miserable Men last night talking about how she wants to have an open marriage. Yucko said that was actually last week. Howard told him to get out now before they actually get married.
Howard told Yucko a story about a chick that he really liked when he was younger and how he was willing to do just about anything to keep her even though she was cheating on him with a bunch of guys. He said that this seems to be what he's going through now. He told Yucko that maybe he should let her go and maybe she's hoping that he will.
Yucko said that they have too much invested in this right now to let it go. Howard told him that if she's saying that she wants to bang other dudes he has to get out. Yucko said that she was saying that she might want to check into stuff in the future.
Gary said that he was getting this in dribs and drabs but he heard that she has this ORM (Open Relationship Marriage) theory. She was back stage talking to the guys about that when they were down in Atlantic City.
Shuli said that Yucko's girl was down there dancing on the table out at the show. Howard thought that was really hot. He wanted to talk to Nicole but Yucko said she's back home and he's out on the road. He thinks that they're fine but Howard said he wants to talk to her tomorrow.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that he'd like to fuck Yucko's girl. Shuli said that they're all freaking out because they bought their tickets to fly to the wedding already.
Dominic Barbara called in and said Yucko should have a pre-nup before he goes into this marriage with a woman who is looking for an open marriage already.
Howard asked if they were really thinking of calling off the wedding. Shuli said that she was opening up to a lot of people back stage that night and talking about that stuff. She also brought it up on the air on Miserable Men last week.
Howard had Nicole on the phone so he picked up on her and talked to her about this marriage. He said that if she's already suggesting open marriage, she wouldn't care if Yucko had sex with other women. Nicole said that she does have cold feet and she is thinking about the possibility of her having sex with just one person for the rest of her life. She said that she's not sure she can do that.
Howard said that Yucko doesn't want to lose this girl and he's willing to do anything to keep her. that's why he didn't come in today to meet with Dr. Keith. The guys asked Nicole if she's interested in someone else right now. She claims she's not but Robin said it sounds like her eye is wandering. She thinks that she shouldn't be marrying him then.
Howard asked Yucko what he's telling Nicole. He said he just wants her to be married. He said that they've been dating for 2 years already so they might as well get married. Nicole said that her mother has been married 3 times and her grandmother was married 5 times. She's afraid that's what's going to happen to her marriage.
Howard told Nicole that she should only get married if she's madly in love. If you're madly in love you don't think about being with other people.
Robin said that Fred's wife once said that she couldn't imagine wondering where Fred was for the rest of her life if she wasn't married to him. Nicole said that she was very excited about the wedding but the closer they get the more fear she has about the commitment.
Shuli said that her explanation doesn't make a lot of sense with her explanation because she says she doesn't want to disappoint the rest of the family with a divorce but they've all had multiple divorces.
Nicole said that they used to have sex all the time but that's dropped off lately. Yucko said that they haven't had it since they were in Atlantic City 2 weeks ago. Shuli said that she was really looking good that night too.
Artie said that he was kidding up until now but now that he's heard them talk, he thinks that they shouldn't get married. He said that they can't go through with this the way they're feeling. He asked Nicole if she thinks that Yucko could support her. She said that she works hard herself so she's not worried about that.
Dominic Barbara called in again and asked Nicole a question and asked her to answer quickly. He asked her to say the number 2 if she wants to get married and the number 1 if she didn't. She said the number 2 so the guys figured he was out of his mind for even asking the question.
Dominic told her not to get married because they're not even close. Nicole said she was very excited a couple of months ago and now she's not so sure. She said that she thinks that she could walk down the aisle and things would be fine but she's not sure about that. She said that she loves him and can't imagine her life without him. Artie said she has to think about that again and her life would probably be great without him.
Howard told Yucko he hopes that things will work out for them. He said that if they go through with it he might actually send them a gift. He wrapped up with him and let him go. Yucko said that he's going to be down in Texas doing a couple of shows with Rev. Bob Levy on April 25th and 26th.
Howard mentioned that they're still looking for the ugliest guy who is married to the hottest chick for the upcoming contest they have. There were a few laughs from the guys in the studio when he brought that up right after getting off the line with Yucko and his hot, and possibly, future wife.
Howard said he'll play Artie's Jimmy Kimmel appearance tomorrow since they were running out of time today. That led to the guys talking about JD not getting any chicks while he was out there with Artie.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they have a story about Artie getting part of the money he's owed for that show down in Florida. They've given him 10 of the 16 grand they owe him so far. Steve said that they have other people claiming that those people owe them some money as well.
Steve said they have a story about Big Foot who is locked up in a mental facility. He's in but wants out right away. He may be getting out today.
Steve said they have a story about Eric the Midget's modeling agency web site (etm-agency.com) that turns out to be a gag. He said that they also have a story about Bob Levy and Danny Bonaduce possibly doing a fight.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down some of the subjects that they were going to try and cover today.
Howard said that this ''Bowling Beauties'' show is going to be hot. Artie was having trouble even speaking because that one chick was so hot. She'll be in there on Wednesday to talk about that. they're going to have Scott the Engineer doing the color commentary for that special series as well.
Mike Gange was in talking about how they have 16 hot chicks bowling and they have a $5,000 grand prize. They're hoping that some of them will end up making out and stuff like that during the special. Artie said he'd be willing to marry that chick just based on her pictures. He said he'd even marry her on Wednesday when she comes in. Howard said that would be great. Mike Gange said that she wants to be a doctor too so she could be an earner for him if she did marry him.
Artie said that chicks like that don't mind gross stuff so she probably wouldn't mind seeing him fat. Howard said that he thinks that if Beth ever saw him shitting she'd break up with him. He said Bubba is the man because he used to have his wife wiping his ass for him when he was really fat.
The guys talked about the bowling special and how it's going to be a 4 part series that will run for a month on Howard TV. Artie was still going crazy over the hot chick that they were looking at. Mike said that she might be a little too short to be a top model. He figured she was about 5'4'' tall or so. Artie jokingly said that they have to throw her out of she's that short.
Mike said that they're going to be taping the show next week there in Manhattan but they won't have an audience there. Howard said it would be cool to have one but the place is kind of small. Howard said that he'd go watch that chick bowl.
Mike said that they're going to have the girls going up to the lane and bowl really slow. Some of the girls are going to be bending over and using two hands to push the ball down the lane. Howard said they should use that hand blower thing there too. Artie said that the best joke that you can do at a bowling alley is to walk out of the bathroom with a Playboy in your hand, go up to use the hand blower and then walk back to the bathroom.
Gange said that the bowling special will be starting on May 12th. Howard said he heard that he's single again. Mike said that he did just break up with a girl he was dating for 6 years. She didn't want to move in together with him but he was ready to go there. He said that she wanted to move in at one time but then things changed. He said he started to date her when she was 19. Gary said that she was only 19 by about a week when he started dating her. Mike said that it was still 19. 19 is 19.
Mike said that he is kind of broken up about the whole thing. He said that he's bummed out because everyone else is married or in a relationship. Artie isn't so he told Mike that they can roll together. He told him to come to Amsterdam with the rest of the guys for Jason's bachelor party.
Howard asked Mike if she was seeing someone else. Mike said he doesn't think she was and he doesn't want to find out. Howard said he has to get her on the show and find out. Artie said that he and Mike are going to get into shape and tear a hole through this town. Mike said that he doesn't have any single friends so Artie kept telling him that they'll hang. Howard let him go so he could have Robin start her news.
Howard said he loves having Gary the Retard in there and wants to give him a good time so that's why they did that whole flying to the moon thing. He said that if it's cruel he doesn't want to do it but he thought it was going to be fun for him. He said that Gary did tell him that he was scared when they sent him to the moon.
Ronnie took Gary the Retard to Rick's Cabaret last week and he wondered how that went. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's tired of them doing bits for Howard TV. Howard said he didn't do it for TV, he did it for the radio show and they don't know how things are going to turn out.
Howard read through some more mail about some of the stuff that went on last week. He said that Artie got some feedback about that PSA he recorded. He read through a bunch of those and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard had a porn clip that he played in the past. They had this black guy porn where he's asking the woman what her daddy would say if he saw her doing stuff to him. They took that clip and had Gary the Retard record it as a retard instead of a black guy. The guys thought it was pretty well acted for a retard.
Blue Iris called in and said she wanted to compete in the bowling game. Howard said that maybe in another one she can try. This one wasn't for her.
Howard said that Gary was telling him that he had planned a bunch of stuff for their upcoming vacation and mentioned he was going to take his kids hot air ballooning. Howard wondered why he would put his kids in danger like that. Robin said she did it once and realized how stupid it was when she got up into the air.
Robin used that as a segue and read a story about a couple of guys who died in a tandem parachute jump over the weekend.
She also read about Charlton Heston dying so they played Stuttering John's classic interview with him. They got a few laughs out of that when they heard a woman screaming at Stuttering John while he was trying to interview the guy. Gary Garver also got an interview with him so Howard played that as well.
Howard said that his mother had a run in with Charlton Heston one time and she was never a fan. He said that she was trying to hail a cab out in the rain one day. She got one to pull over and Charlton ran over, hopped in, closed the door and took off. Howard said that happened when he was still a little kid.
Robin had Howard playing a bunch of audio clips of Charlton Heston. They got distracted when Gary was talking about something and they noticed that he had his name on the back of his chair. Gary said that they do that so everyone gets their chair back after their weekly meetings. Howard goofed on Gary a little bit about that.
Ralph called in to goof on Gary and he said he actually forgot what it was he was calling in for because he was so distracted by that. Howard hung up on him a short time later.
Howard got a little distracted after Robin brought up Beyonce and Jay-Z getting married over the weekend. He had Fred playing the only Beyonce song he knows. He said that he ran into Jay-Z down in Florida the last time he was down there and he didn't introduce him to Beyonce. Robin said that has happened to her too. She said that Beyonce doesn't speak either. Fred ended up throwing in some clips of Howard's mom into the Beyonce song.
Howard talked about how Jay-Z has a couple of security guys standing by them when they're out at the pool. He said that Jay-Z is always on his phone and Beyonce is just laying there doing nothing. He said that she was really skinny when he saw her down there too. He said that the security guys would even follow her into the pool and chase little girls away from her if they got too close.
Howard talked about some of the girls he's seen down there in Florida. He said that there was one girl who was just about showing her ass hole with the tiny thong she was wearing.
Robin read a story about Eli Manning which led to the guys goofing on JD since he saw Manning there at the club Villa out in California. That led to Artie saying that they have to bring in JD's brother so they can see how similar they are.
Robin read some news about the Olympic torch that's being run to China. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard said that he read that there's a sex tape between Shakira and two dudes so he'd like to see that if it's real.
Howard went through some pictures that they have up on his web site where people have mashed up some pictures of the people on the show with other people. He showed some of them to the guys and got a few laughs from them.
Howard said that he's pissed off at Senator John Kerry for some comments he made about the satellite radio merger. He said that he doesn't want the FCC to rush their decision on the whole thing. He said that Clear Channel has also been trying to stop the whole thing and demanding that they give 50 percent of their bandwidth to terrestrial radio.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the merger and how it does seem like there's a conspiracy going on there. Howard said that the FCC should be able to make a decision and approve this thing quickly but they're still dragging it out.
Robin read some news about the price of gasoline and how high it's gotten lately. She also read a story about how much money the Clintons have made since Bill got out of the White House. They spent a couple of minutes on that story.
Robin read through a few more stories about various things like the congestion tax they want to start in New York City, some women who were being abused at a ranch run by a Mormon sect and teen drinking problems. She also read one about the number 1 movie at the box office. That led to them talking about the movie ''Leatherheads.'' Howard said he saw that but it was just okay. He said it wasn't all that bad but it was okay.
Artie revealed that he cried during a movie he was watching on the airplane. He said that he was coming back from his trip out there over the weekend. He said that it was the movie ''P.S. I Love You'' that he started crying over. He said that the guy sitting next to him was this Israeli businessman and that guy passed him a tissue.
Fred played some Artie clips where he was calling someone a ''loser faggot'' so it was like Artie calling Artie a loser. Howard ended the show a short time later right around 11:10am.
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Jon moved on and talked about the Dr. Keith Ablow segment. He asked what was supposed to happen today. Gary said that they wanted to have in a few couple sand get some other people patched up. They were going to have JD and Jared and maybe Jason and Scott DePace come in to patch things up. They ended up going with High Pitch Mike and Artie instead.
Jon said that it appears that Mike wants to put this behind him but Artie isn't taking it seriously. Gary said that he can't figure out if Artie really hates mike or if he thinks that it's good for the radio, or a combo of both. They played a clip from that segment where they were trying to figure out a solution to their problem.
Gary said that on the surface it sounds like a dumb idea for Mike to compliment Artie but the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Jon said that they're both very stubborn people and neither of them are going to back down.
Gary said that he liked that Dr. Keith assumed that Mike had to deal with stuff like this his whole life. He felt bad about some of the stuff Mike was saying. JD was commenting on that whole thing and basically just said ''Whatever'' to it all. He said that he kind of got goofed on in school but never got thrown in a locker. He said that he didn't have gum thrown in his hair like Mike said he did. JD said that he played in little league and he'd be called names and stuff. He said he couldn't remember the names they'd call him though.
The guys talked about how Jason was playing a position in little league that they called ''the second right fielder.'' Jon and Gary got a few laughs out of that name for the position. The ball hardly ever got hit out there but Jason would hope and pray that it wouldn't fall there because he knew that he'd screw it up. He said he still hasn't ever caught a fly ball in his life.
Gary thinks that they need to get Gary and JD to play a game together for Howard TV. Jason said that JD is actually more athletic than he is so he's jealous of him.
A phone caller said that he doesn't think that anything Mike said today was genuine. He said that he seems to love the attention and to make people mad. He takes shots at everyone in his little news segments and stuff too. Gary said that once you cross that line with Artie, he'll never make up with him. He said that he's never going to forget what Mike said about his family.
Gary said that one of the lines that made him laugh really hard was when Artie goofed on Mike saying something about him being caught in a locker and not being able to breathe.
Jon asked Jason if he wanted to fix his relationship with Scott DePace. Jason said he has no interest in doing that so he doesn't care. He said that he's not sure anything would have come from that.
Jon asked JD if he thinks he would have been helped. JD said he doesn't see a reason to fix the problem because there's nothing to fix. Gary said that Jared isn't usually in there but he is today and he's just smiling and laughing about the whole thing.
The guys talked to JD about hanging out with Ryan Phillippe and seeing the cast of Scrubs at that club they were at. Teddy was talking about how they got asked to go out with Ryan and his friends. He said that they were texting them like crazy before the show was over. He said it was really surreal to have them asking them where they were and begging them to show up at that club.
Jason asked why it's okay for Ryan to ask JD to go out and find chicks but it's not okay for Jared to do it. JD didn't really have an answer for that. He fumbled through some thoughts trying to get them out. He said that there are just some people who he doesn't get along with and doesn't want them to help him out. He said that he just doesn't like Jared but he doesn't want to talk about it.
Jason said he'd love to know why he won't even acknowledge him in the office. JD didn't want to talk about it. He said that Ryan was less douchie about asking to hang out the other night. He said that he saw David Spade out that night and didn't talk to him but he doesn't think he's an asshole.
Benjy asked JD some questions about Ryan trying to figure out why he didn't have a problem with him. JD kept saying ''I don't know'' to just about everything they were asking. Teddy said that JD was really confident out there at the club and he was trying. He said that he seemed to love hanging out with those guys and wanted to move to Hollywood after that. They spent a few more minutes with JD before they had to go to break.
Richard said he was thinking about the great burgers that they have out in California. He said that the In and Out burgers are great. Teddy and JD missed out on that but they did go to a few other places while they were there.
Jon asked Richard about his drumming that he did today. Richard said he was really nervous today but he had a lot of fun. Gary said that he's heard a lot of his stuff and he's not surprised at all about how good he is. He said his son is starting to get into drumming and they've watched some Iced Earth stuff on YouTube so he knows how good he is.
Benjy said he was impressed with Richard but he was also impressed with Howard and Artie playing. Richard said that Artie has some power and really put his all into it. He thought Howard was good too.
Jon played a little bit of Howard singing along with Richard as he played drums. Richard said that was awesome, he didn't get to hear it while they were playing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was the funniest thing when he was doing the death metal thing because he almost crashed his car. That led to the guys talking about the woman who called in from that death metal band that was singing for Howard.
Richard said he watched his first basketball game the other night and he's now a big fan. He didn't know how long the game lasted but he guessed it was 12-15 minutes. Jon told him it was actually 20 minutes.
Richard said that he's going to go to the wedding but he's going to wait until after it actually takes place before he gives something. That got the guys talking about how much you're supposed to give to someone getting married. they spent a short time talking about that.
Jon asked Gary what he's going to do about Robin's charity. Gary said that he will give something because Robin has been very generous to his charity over the years. He said that he's not sure how much he'll give yet. Benjy said he's going to give something but he's trying to figure out just how much it would be so he doesn't look like an asshole. Richard said he'll give some money to Robin's charity but he'd give more if she would show him her tits.
Jon asked the guys who they think is weirder, Howard or Robin. Gary said that years ago it would have been Howard. He said that Robin is slightly stranger but both of them were very strange. He said that 10-15 years ago they were both nuts.
Richard said that he thinks that Robin is strange because of the coffee in the ass thing. He said that's just weird. That led to them talking about Howard's wedding as well. Gary said he doesn't think it's that odd that Howard is going to do things the way he's planning. They talked about that for a minute before Jon had to end the show.
Howard started off the show saying that Katt Williams was going to be stopping by today. That got Artie into his impression of Katt and using his ''Niggerdom'' line. Howard said that he started thinking about his obsession with Heidi Klum and Seal after Artie used that word. He said that they put pictures of their baby in the paper all the time now and the only reason they're doing that is because she's got a black baby. Robin said it's the greatest career move for her because she's in the paper all the time now.
Howard said that you'd think that the German's would hate black people. He said he was under the impression that they did. He said that they got rid of their blacks over there. He said he's fascinated with the pictures of Heidi and her baby.
Howard said that Heidi is the whitest white person and that baby is so black that her whiteness didn't even make him light skinned. He said that shows how dark Seal really is. Howard said that's what they're basically saying in the paper by putting pictures of her baby in there all the time. He said they won't come out and say it but that's what it seems like they're trying to point out.
Howard said that Heidi is pretty much over now as far as modeling goes and Seal doesn't have any new songs. He said that Seal does just two songs and sang some of those two for the guys.
Artie said he tried to watch Dancing with the Stars the other night and it was so hard to take that he almost threw up after about 2 seconds. Howard said that he watched the show. He said that Beth was going out before that so he banged her first, before she left, and then went and watched the show.
Fred played some of the Seal songs that Howard was talking about. That got them back to talking about how black Seal is. Robin said that she thinks that Wesley Snipes is just a shade darker than Seal is. Howard said that he thinks that both of them are pure black.
Artie said that when he was roommates with Orlando Jones, who is black, he dated a smoking hot blonde girl by the name of Britney Daniels. He said that she's very white and blonde and he was with them all the time. He said that when they'd kiss it was startling to him. He said he would gasp out loud when he'd see that happening.
Howard said that you just use one drop in the toilet bowl before you go and it supposedly works. He said if it actually works he'd buy it. He told Sal to give it a try and have Scott DePace go in there and smell it. Sal asked if they could spray it on Scott's resume to see if it made that smell less worse. Artie said that his resume is the Howard Stern Show. He had just insulted Howard without knowing it.
Howard said he was trying to figure out the math in the article and thought he was wrong but the guys told him that he was right about the 2/3. That led to them talking about something secretive that Howard wanted to wait to talk about on the air. He's going to wait until about a year from now before he talks about whatever the hell it was he wanted to talk about.
Howard said he wanted to move on and not talk about the way things are going over there at the old station. He said that he was glad to see that they're not making the kind of money they were making when he was there. He had a lot more on his mind but wasn't able to talk about it for legal reasons.
Howard got back to the Heidi Klum pictures and talked more about her baby. He read through the article about the kid where they talk about her going out shopping with her baby. There's no article with it, it's just a picture of her and the baby and a mention that they were out shopping.
Howard said there's an article in the paper about how Obama was saying that he doesn't want to do anything Catholic religion related when he gets into the White House. That led to Howard talking about what he thinks the guy needs to do to get the votes he needs. He said that it's kind of looking like he's going to be the nominee now but he's going to have to give some speeches to get himself the black vote that he's losing to Hillary right now. He said he's going to have to make speeches to white people to get their votes and possibly do them while wearing skis. He said that he's going to have to tell the white people that he's going to arrest Jay-Z and Beyonce when he gets into office.
Artie said that he got a new bookie since the last Bookie screwed him out of his $78,000 winnings. He said that he only got 18 of that 78 grand. He said that he got a great tip the other night out in L.A. from Jimmy Kimmel's cousin Sal. He said that he told him to take Memphis so he did that. He put ten grand on that and won. He said he didn't get the money yet though. Artie said that he was watching the game last night because he took 5 of that 10 grand and put it on that game. He said that Sal didn't tell him to pick that game though.
Artie said he talked Nick DiPaolo to put 500 on that game. He started to watch the game and fell asleep at half time. Memphis was up by 9 points around then. He got up this morning and tuned into the local news. He said that Memphis was up by 3 points with about 2 seconds left in the game. Kansas came in and hit a 3 pointer. They went into overtime and Kansas beat them outright in overtime. He said that he lost because of that point spread.
Howard asked Artie about the money he didn't get paid and how that all worked out. Artie said that he did collect that 18 grand so he did make out by that much even though he was owed the 78. He said that his new bookie wants to keep his business because he doesn't win all the time. He said that he's going to eventually lose. He said that's what bookies do.
Artie said that the new bookie owes him $4500 right now. He said that he's pissed at Mario Chalmers on the Kansas team. That guy is on his shit list.
Richard came in to talk about the game but Howard didn't want to go there. He said that he wanted to move along. Richard said he never watches basketball but he watched that game and loved it. Howard said that Richard is like him and only watches a game now and then.
Howard asked Richard if he drank while he watched that game. Richard said he did but that's only because it was Kansas. He said that he had some girly drinks including one called a ''Flirtini'' and a mimosa and 5 creamsicles. He said that he usually doesn't drink during the week but he had to drink during that. He had a total of about 9 drinks. He said he thinks that's the only time he drank during the week so far this year.
Howard said thank you to Richard a bunch of times but he wasn't leaving. Richard told him to just tell him to get out of there, he won't be offended. Howard told him to get out of there after that but then said that he had a new prank call that he had Gary the Retard make to a Beagle dog breeder. They had Gary the Retard asking the guy for bagels with cheese. The guy hung up on Gary once so they called right back and had Gary asking more about the bagels. He called back a couple of times and started cursing the guy out. The guy was telling Gary to suck his dick during that call. Howard said that he loves that guys that are anti-gay will always tell other guys to suck their dicks.
Howard tried to take a phone call but he didn't have anyone there. It was the second call that he tried to take and no one was there. He had Scott the Engineer come in to check his work to make sure that there was nothing wrong with the phones. He said that maybe Scott didn't set them up right. Scott checked and said that they were set up right.
Howard eventually got someone on the line and figured it wasn't Scott's fault. The caller said that he doesn't get why these guys talk about getting blow jobs and stuff when they get pissed off at other guys. Howard said that it is kind of crazy talk when you hear that.
The caller asked Howard if he has ever thought about another woman when he's having sex with Beth. Howard said he never thinks about another woman when he's with Beth. He said that when he's beating off he might think about someone else but that's different. He said that he does that 99.9 percent of the time using other chicks in his catalog of women. Howard said that he's been beating off to this one woman for years because it rocked his world.
Artie said that he odes that with a bunch of one night stands that he's had. Howard said that his was a one night stand. He said he holds out a little longer in that fantasy. He said that he remembers being so humiliated because he came so fast with this chick. He said that he's embarrassed that he came so quick with that woman. He said that he must be on her list of the worst guys she's had.
Howard said that he'd go in and with 1-3 strokes he's blow his load. Robin said that she's never had that happen to her before. Howard said that it's kind of a compliment because the woman was so hot that he couldn't contain it. He said he wasn't being selfish or anything, he really wanted to do it but he just blew his load.
Gary said he's had that kind of thing happen to him. He said that he was with one woman who he didn't last long with. He said that she was complimented by it because he finished so quick. He said that he was able to last longer later on.
Artie said that the last Miss Howard TV was so hot that he wouldn't be able to make it out of his apartment, he'd have to mail in his orgasm. That led to the guys talking about how hot she was and how she fell on her head while doing some pole dancing. Artie said he got a DVD of her from Mike Gange and he's been jerking off to her. He said that he's been having sex with her all over the place in his fantasies. She doesn't know it but he's been with her all over the world.
Howard said he was showing Beth the video of Briana doing the pole dancing thing and falling off. The guys showed the video in the studio and Howard said that you can see it on EbaumsWorld.com. They watched it a couple of times but Howard had to ask them to turn it off.
Howard got back to the masturbation discussions and talked about the chick that he thinks about. He wasn't saying who she was.
Artie said that when he was with Dana she didn't know he was doing drugs. He said that he was doing some opiates which included heroin and a couple of prescription drugs. He said that the pills were the worst at making him last way too long. He said that Dana was worried that he wasn't attracted to her anymore. Howard told him that he should have faked his orgasm or something. Artie said that he'd need some mayonnaise or something to fake it. He said he wasn't using a rubber. Howard said he does so he can fake it. Howard did his faking it sound and had Robin laughing her ass off.
Gary said that Stuttering John told him a story about faking it with his wife one time when he was on some pills that made him last far too long. She knew that he was faking it though and asked him what he was doing.
Artie said that he had to tell Dana that he was still into her it was just the drugs that were making him last too long.
Howard said that he really should have banged Jillian. He wished that he had been with her before Beth. Melrose changed subjects and told Howard that the greatest thing he ever did on the show was the cover of ''Spirit in the Sky'' by Norman Greenbaum. Howard said that Melrose is right about that. Melrose said he met Norman Greenbaum's cousin and he told him that Norman loved it. Howard ended up playing a little bit of the song while they were talking about it.
Howard thanked Melrose for calling in and then hung up on him as he was name dropping some other people. Howard ended up playing another Losers cover song. He said that their greatest masterpiece was this cover of ''Herdy Gerdy Man.'' He said that he thought the song was going to be such a hit that competing radio stations were going to start playing it. As he was listening to it today he said that it's actually awful. He said the arrangement was great but his singing wasn't all that great.
Howard played some audio of Jillian Barberie talking about her obsession with him. She was saying that she gets obsessions with things in her life but only one has lasted for a really long time. She said that her obsession with Howard is that one that keeps going.
Howard said that Jillian is the best advertisement for his show. He said that the guy that works with her, Steve, must really want to fuck her and it must piss him off when he hears about Howard Stern all the time.
Howard said that he thinks that it's money well spent. Eric said that they should look at his picture on his screen. IT was Eric and Diana Degarmo that he took on Sunday night. Eric was going off on Steve for doing a story about him being a stalker and he's not a stalker.
Howard said that Eric was calling her far too much and that's what they were reporting on. Eric said that he's not going to start calling her now or anything like that. He just got to hang out with her on Sunday night.
Eric told Artie that he looked like shit on Kimmel last night. He said he heard that Artie went through three shirts but Artie said it was just two. Eric said that was the second time he met Diana. Howard said that's great.
Artie said that he was leaving Kimmel the other night and some dude came up to him and told him that he was there with Kendra. Artie said that it did look like her but he wasn't sure if it was her. He said he thinks that she was waiting to fuck him there at Kimmel. Eric said ''Yeah, right.'' He said he didn't think that it was her.
Robin asked Eric if he's still with her. He said that he's not going to say. He got in a plug for JFSC.tv as Howard was letting him go.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she loves when a man finishes quickly. She said it has to be fast for her. She said she'd prefer that a guy finish in a few seconds. She said that she can cum really fast and multiple times. They spent a couple of minutes talking to Jessica before Howard had to wrap up with her.
Artie asked Robin about being with Jimmy Florentine and if his loads are huge since his balls are huge. Howard said he doesn't think that ball size has anything to do with the size of your load. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard talked about the song and tried to figure out if it was positive or negative. He wasn't sure what they were singing about. Robin said they should play it over again but Howard said he'd rather get Eric the Midget back on the phone. The guys talked about how Eric doesn't seem to understand that no one cares about his problems with Steve Langford.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She came in and said that she went to the golf expo that Scott DePace was at. She said he sold 17 Video Caddy's at the expo. She said that Will Murray even showed up to support him.
Lisa said that she spoke to the owner of the Villa Lounge that JD hung out at over the weekend. He got a laugh and said that it looked like JD was in over his head there. She said that Abby the Queefer is looking to do some more queefing after having an operation on her area down there. She's bragging about her queefs being even stronger than ever now.
Lisa also mentioned that George Takei is on Secret Talents of the Stars tonight on CBS at 10pm. Howard let her go after that. Artie talked about how great her ass looked the other day and how he'd throw her a mercy bang if she wanted.
Robin said that Jim called her last night and said ''Hi this is Fred'' in his own voice. She thought that was pretty funny. Howard read some more mail about Ralph's noisy neighbors, Richard's drumming, Dr. Ablow's segment with Artie and High Pitch Mike and some other stuff. Artie was eating in the middle of that so when Howard asked him a question about the e-mail he wasn't on mic to answer.
Howard said that he got some feedback about his wedding plans and someone told him that it's not weird to do it the way he's doing it. Robin said that Howard is thinking of doing 3 weddings though so that is weird. Howard said he's not going to discuss that with her anymore.
Artie said that he wants to know if he can tell women that he's going to Howard Stern's wedding. Howard said that he can say that because technically it is their wedding. Artie said that can help him out with broads. He said he wants to bring a date with him. Howard gave him an ''oh no'' when he said that so he asked what was up with that. Howard didn't have much of an explanation for that comment.
Robin asked about the belt buckle he was wearing and he said that it was a dragon piece that a fan got for him. Howard said he's purchased a diamond ring for his girlfriend that was very expensive so that one must be really expensive. Katt said that it is very expensive. He said that he can't stop wearing it just because he's afraid that guys are going to try and rip him off. Howard thinks that he's asking for trouble by wearing it.
Katt said that it's basically an advertisement for the kind of money he's making. Howard read that he's one of the top guys in comedy right now. He came in second only behind Larry the Cable Guy. Katt said that he loves Larry the Cable Guy and said that he was laughing at him before he blew up. Robin said that he must be making a lot of he's only second to Larry.
Howard said that he must be making millions. Katt said that he is. He said that he went from homeless to multi-millionaire. Howard asked if he's working every night. He said that he is working a lot and doing a 100 city tour right now. He said that he's doing about 6000 seat venues. He said he's breaking some records and selling out the places he's playing.
Katt said that he's doing very well and the demographic has changed for him and it turned into an amazing atmosphere at the shows he does. Howard asked him if he thinks that Barack Obama can pull off this run for President. He said that it would be a big change if they actually did vote him in.
Howard talked to Katt about NY Governor Elliot Spitzer being caught up in the hooker scandal. Katt is always talking about pimps and stuff in his act so Howard spent a minute talking to him about that. Howard said that pussy brought down the governorship. They talked about the kind of money Spitzer was spending on that chick and how crazy that was.
Howard said he read that Spitzer was walking around in Central Park with his wife and he found that to be very surprising. He said they weren't holding hands but they were walking in the park. Robin said that maybe that's a good place to talk about your divorce in public.
Howard asked Katt about the jewelry again and asked where he shops for this stuff. He said he got one of his things from Johnny Dangs in Houston, Texas. He told Howard how much one of the pieces was and he said that it was about 70 grand. Howard asked about some of the other stuff and Katt was saying that he used to be homeless and this is all discretionary income that he's spending.
Katt said that he has a lot of kids to take care of and the jewelry is the thing he spends money on instead of cars and stuff like that.
Katt said that he's not too worried about people trying to rip him off. He has security for that. He said that Howard should know what that's like because their security there is impeccable.
Howard talked to Katt about going back home to his home town to show off all of this stuff. Katt said he left home at 13 and lived out on the street. He said that he'd go to the library during the day and he'd read. He said that he would rob cars at night. He said they'd steal radios and stuff like that to make some money for food.
Katt said he was out on the street from 13 to 17. He said that it wasn't even that bad at home, there was something wrong with him and he didn't feel normal and he had to get out. He said his parents must be really thinking that leaving home was a great thing because of the way things worked out for him.
Katt said that he ended up moving to Florida so he could be warm down there. He said that he can't imagine being homeless in New York. Howard said that he's always wondered why homeless don't all move to Florida to be warm.
Katt talked about how he just observing everything out on the street when he was homeless. He said that he was going from door to door selling magazines and stuff and that helped him out too.
Howard said that Katt has 8 kids and 7 of them are adopted. Katt said that he doesn't like talking about the adoption thing because he doesn't want to make things bad for the kids. He said that he came from a certain area and he wanted to do better so that's why he's doing what he's doing. He said he's trying to make up for some of the bad things he did in his life.
Katt said that he doesn't think he's ever going to even up for what he did but he can try. He said that he's just trying to keep up with it.
Howard asked Katt if he thinks that what Madonna and other celebrities are doing by adopting black kids is a good thing. Katt said he doesn't get why they have to travel to another country to get a kid when there are so many here in this country. He said that he wouldn't even know what to do with an African kid. He said that Madonna's kid isn't going to know anything about Africa if he's raised here.
Howard said that Katt is out promoting his album. He played one of his covers of a Prince song. He also talked to him about the movies he's working on and how he's supposed to worth with Eddie Murphy again eventually. He said that he doesn't hang with Eddie because he's got ''real money.''
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was at his show last Wednesday and loved it. She was one of the only white people there. She talked about some of the other comics and how good they were. Howard asked Katt if he remembers this woman since she was one of the only white people there. Katt just laughed.
Howard asked Katt if he goes for white broads and black broads. Katt said that he hasn't had a white woman in about 10 years. He said that he gets a lot of grief over a couple necklaces so being with a white woman might get him even more grief. He said he likes black women but if he liked a white woman he'd be with one. Howard said that he's upset that he hasn't been with a white woman in 10 years. He doesn't understand that.
Gay Ramone called in and asked Katt if he's ever had his asshole eaten out by a man. He said he hasn't had it from a man or a woman. He said he doesn't have the desire to do that. Ramone told him he doesn't know what he's missing out on.
Howard said that he doesn't have any desire to have anyone do that to him either. He said he'd feel bad for the woman if she had to do that. Katt said that he'd be worried that there was something wrong with his penis if a woman wanted to eat his asshole out.
Howard asked Katt about the court cases that he's had to deal with lately. Katt had a concealed weapon at an airport so he got into some trouble for that. He said he took that as a sign that he had to change some things he was doing.
Robin asked Katt if he's got a special lady right now. Katt said he thinks he's between special ladies right now but he's not even sure.
Howard asked him what the biggest mistake was that he ever made. Katt said he cursed his parents out last year. He said that things had built up over time and he just went off on them for stuff he had been holding on to since he was a child. He said when he was done he realized that he was an asshole for doing that to them. Howard asked what he said to them. Katt said that he's a professional and he was able to bring them to tears. He said that he's not sure what part of him thought it was going to be beneficial to do that because it wasn't good.
Howard said that he thought Katt was going to say that putting paint thinner on a door handle one time to burn a guy's hand. Katt said that wasn't the worst thing he ever did. Katt said that the burning starts when you touch it but then the cold water you wash it off with makes it even worse. Howard asked what he did to the guy that made him do that. Katt said that the guy kicked his ass but didn't do it honorably. He said that he laid in wait and hit him with a baseball bat while he was in the middle of a conversation. He said the guy was a hulk too and there was no way to beat him.
Howard asked why the guy would beat him with a bat. Katt said he was talking to the guy's woman and he thought he was hitting on her so he took a bat to him. He said that he didn't even know it was his woman. He said that he thinks he got hit in the shoulder blade when the guy hit him. He said that was about 10 years ago, right around the time that he had been with a white woman.
Katt said he was trying to get with that woman when the guy jumped out of the bushes and hit him. Howard said that he'd piss his pants if that happened to him. He said the woman didn't help him out either. She just stood around and watched. He said that most relationships won't stand up when you get beaten with a baseball bat in front of a woman. He said that's a very special thing for a woman to see.
Howard asked Katt if he tried to hold on to some dignity while he was getting beaten. Katt said that you might try to do some fancy foot work or something during the fight but it's tough to look good when you get beaten.
Howard said that Katt says that he's going to get out of the business in 10 years but he doesn't think he'll be able to leave it. He said that he has to love the business and he'll never leave.
Howard gave Katt some plugs for the DVD ''Katt Williams: American Hustle The Movie'' and for his new album ''Pimpin Pimpin'' that's coming out later this month. You can also check him out at KattWilliams.com or on Myspace
Howard took some phone calls for Katt and let some people ask him some questions. One guy said he doesn't believe that he was ever hit with a bat. He thinks that Katt would have been hit in the head before his shoulders if he's as short as he says he is. He said that he doesn't believe the homeless stuff either. Katt said that he was living on the streets for more than 4 years. The caller said that he thinks he's just amplifying what happened to him for his act.
The guy asked Katt about Artie and what he thinks about him. He was going to compliment him but he knew that the guy wouldn't believe him anyway so he gave up.
Another caller told Howard to stop being an accountant and let Katt spend the money the way he wants. Howard let that guy go and wrapped up with Katt after that. Katt was telling Howard how much he likes him but also mentioned that some people have told him not to do the show because they think he's so horrible. Howard said he gets that a lot and doesn't understand it. He gave him some more plugs and then went to break.
Richard said that he looked at the glove when he was done and it was a mess. Artie said that was rude and he sounds retarded saying that he was fine with it because he had gloves. Howard said that he would have wiped in the doctor's office bathroom or something before going in there.
Howard said that Sal told him that when he had his prostate exam he peed all over the floor. Robin asked ''What's wrong with these guys?'' Artie said that when he goes to the dentist he brushes his teeth for like an hour and he'd make sure he was clean down below if he did that.
Sal said that Artie doesn't go to the dentist. Artie hasn't been there for like 10 years. Artie said that when he does he brushes.
Sal said that the doctor told him that he might pee when he did the prostate exam and that's exactly what happened when he pulled on something in there.
A phone caller said that he had an appendix problem years ago and he had to shit when he went into the doctor. The doctor had to check him out down there and when he stuck his finger in there the shit came flooding out. Howard was ready to drop the topic after that.
Howard said that he would at least try to be clean before going in for a prostate exam. He said that he wanted to move on after that. Richard said that they have a prostate exam bit they want to do. Richard is willing to get one done on the air. Gary said that they have a doctor who is interested in doing this and they just need some volunteers.
Howard thanked the guys and told them to go back and practice what they can do with the prostate stuff. Artie said he thinks that Richard might be retarded after hearing that story. He said that he thinks that Ralph is right about that.
Howard played another clip where the pastor is talking about Ted Kennedy. The guy goes off on him and says that God is taking care of that family and that's why John is no longer with us. The same with Robert Kennedy and John John Kennedy.
Howard said that he doesn't get the point the guy was trying to make. He thinks that Ted Kennedy just got caught in the crossfire of that whole sermon.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to play today. He had some clips from John the Stutterer's show last night. He played one where John was talking about the electoral college after a caller asked him about it. John gave his explanation and stuttered through it with some pretty harsh stutters.
Howard said it sounds like John runs out of steam in the middle of that from the stuttering. He said it sounds like he's worn out. Howard said that MSNBC should hire a whole channel of stutterers. He said he'd actually watch it if they did that.
Howard played another clip where John was going off on a caller after the guy brought up Scott DePace and his views on politics.
Howard replayed the new Gary the Retard prank call he played earlier in the morning. It's the one where Gary calls a beagle breeder and asks to buy some bagels.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that Dick Vitale should be in the basketball hall of fame. Artie said that he was a legendary broadcaster. Howard wondered why he should be in the basketball hall of fame when he was just a broadcaster. He said that he could understand him being in the broadcasting hall of fame. Artie said that it should be an elite thing and maybe he shouldn't be in the hall of fame.
Howard said that the guy breaks down and cries at the drop of a hat. Artie said he did a commercial with him many years ago and that's how he got into AFTRA. He said that the guy almost cried for him when he saw him smoking. He told him how many family members he lost to cancer.
Howard played some audio of Dick Vitale breaking down and crying when he was talking about missing his parents and wishing that they were there to see him being inducted into the hall of fame. Artie said that the guy is synonymous with basketball and some people hate him as a broadcaster. Howard said ''join the club'' when he said that.
Howard had the guy, Richard, come in and asked him about the birth marks. He said that he got teased and beat up because of them. Richard said that this is a 1 in 3 million birth defect that he has. Howard said they look like freckles on his face but he's got some on his chest that are huge. The guy is only 23 years old but he's never gotten laid. He said that he had doctors who wanted to minimize them by doing skin grafts and stuff.
Howard said that he had a thought for this guy and said that maybe he should just tell chicks that he's a painter. He said that he has actually done that before. He said that he was a maintenance guy and cleaned the elevators so people would think he dripped something on him.
Howard told the guy that maybe he should just tattoo the rest of his body to blend it all in. He said that maybe he should make himself all black. He said he's used to it now.
Howard asked about the hair on the birthmarks and saw that he has a black ear and a white one. Robin said that this is what you'd expect Heidi Klum's baby to come out like.
Howard checked out Richard's back and said that it looked kind of ape like. Robin said that it's kind of pretty and there must be a woman out there who would be into that. It looked kind of like a hide on his back.
Howard said that Richard is having some trouble getting laid. He was able to kiss a girl when he was 10 years old. Howard said that he seems like a nice guy.
Richard said that they did do a skin graft on his face to lighten it up a little bit. they did that with his arm as well. Richard said he last tried asking a girl out about 2 weeks ago. She told him that she had to wash her hair. He said that she was bald like Britney Spears so that wasn't a great excuse.
Robin told him he should go out and pick up some blind chicks. Howard said that's a good idea and he really should give that a try. Howard said that if he didn't have the birth marks he'd probably be doing alright with the girls. He said that he'd date anyone who was interested in him. He said he doesn't judge a book by it's cover. Artie said that's what they're telling him, a blind chick might not care about the birth mark.
Howard asked Richard about the way the girls react to him when they see him. He said that they do kind of get freaked out by him. He said that he used to get a lot of ''Eww'' from the girls. Artie and Howard even got that from girls.
Howard asked Richard if he thinks about that 10 year old kiss and jerks off thinking about that. Richard said that he hasn't jerked off this year at all because he's trying to hold out for a woman. He said that it might motivate him more to get a woman if he doesn't jerk off.
Howard told Richard that he might want to think about going to a whore. Richard said he wasn't even thinking about that. Artie told him that he'll set him up out in Vegas and get him one of those girlfriends that will stay with him the whole weekend. He said he would gladly pay for that.
Artie told Richard about this new web site that he was on called DisgustingFacebook. He said that he might want to join him there.
Richard said that he'd like to know why God did this to him and he'd like to talk to him to find out. Howard said that if God was going to talk to anyone it should be him. Howard asked if he ever gets angry that his brothers and sisters don't have the same thing. He said that he got used to it and wouldn't wish that on anyone. He said that's who he is and he wouldn't even wish for them to be removed from him if he had the choice now. He said that the skin grafts he had were from when he was a kid and his parents made him do it.
Richard said he's from Oxnard, California so Artie said that he must really fit in out there, he's near Malibu.
A caller said that Richard should just keep asking girls and he'll eventually fine one that likes him. Howard said that's what he had to do.
Artie said that he will get him out to Vegas and he's pretty sure he can get him some hookers out there that will take care of him. He said he will get him laid somehow. Howard said that this is a good thing. It might not be love but he can make believe that it is love. Richard said this will be more motivation for him.
Howard asked Richard if he has anything on his penis. He said that his penis is fine and he doesn't have anything on that. He said that he has the birth mark stuff on his ass though. Artie was kind of curious so Richard said he was there to bare it all and he'd show it.
Richard pulled down his pants and showed the guys his hairy ass. Howard said that he likes Richard. Robin said that he does seem like a sweet guy and she hopes that he's really this sweet in his real life.
Artie told Richard that he's going to set him up with a whole weekend out in Vegas and he'll pay for it. He kept telling him that he's going to get him laid.
Robin said that she might be able to get used to something like that if she was with a man who had birth marks like that. Howard asked Richard if he'd be with a woman who had a similar condition to him. He said that he's fine with anything as long as the girl is into him and she's willing to be with him. Artie said that when you really think about it you can judge a book by it's cover. He said that's kind of sad.
Robin said that she's not sure why this guy doesn't have any female friends. Richard said that he's trying. He said he is a nice guy and he's trying.
Howard tried to figure out how many other people like him there might be in this country. He said that if it's 1 in 3 million and there are 300 million people in this country, then there must be 30,000 people with the condition. He and Artie spent minutes going back and forth trying to figure out how many people there were out there like Richard.
Howard and Artie finally came up with a number and stuck with it. Then they said that there probably weren't any women who had that condition. Howard thinks that he could get a pretty attractive fat chick. He said that the amputee broad they had on the show, Jen, might go out with him. They threw out some other names of chicks who might go out with Richard.
Howard said that what they have to do is set him up with the Vegas thing. Artie said that he'll get another show or just go out there to hang and he'll get him out there. Howard said he'll keep Richard in mind and let him know if they find any chicks.
A caller said that he has a red birthmark on his back and used to get teased as a kid. This is making him feel like a million bucks after hearing what he has to go through. Richard said that he had a gay guy come on to him but he didn't want to go there. Artie told him he should die a virgin before he does something like that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that it was a pleasure to hear him on the air because he's so upbeat even with this condition he has. Howard said that if he can get a girlfriend for a weekend he thinks that he can get some confidence. Richard said that he's missing that female companionship and that's what he's looking for.
Artie told Richard what this Vegas weekend might go like. He explained to him how they'll get set up in the hotel and how he'll be making a phone call to a guy to help him find some girls. He said that he can get a massage or something before they do that. Howard wondered if he can even get a massage with all of the hair he has. Richard said he can because it's just a birthmark.
Artie said that the chicks out there are hot and they love Crystal Meth more than they hate him so they'll do what they have to do to make their money. He said they'll do some gambling with the chick and then go out to Nobu for dinner to impress her and then they'll go back to the hotel room and she'll be his girl for the whole weekend.
Artie said that these chicks will be with him for the whole weekend just like a girlfriend. Howard told Richard not to fall in love with the hooker. He had him repeat after him. Howard said that Artie has to admit that this is illegal but Artie said that it's Las Vegas, it's hardly illegal. He changed his tune and said that this ''might'' happen when he goes out there.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that there is probably someone out there for Richard and he will be able to find someone. Another caller asked Richard if he'd be up for dating Wendy the Retard. Then he started cracking up after asking the question.
Howard asked Robin who she would have sex with, Eric the Midget or Richard. Robin quickly picked Richard. Then they asked if she would be with High Pitch Mike or Richard. Robin had to think about that one. She said that Richard is such a sweet guy that she'd have to pick him again. Howard said that must help boost his confidence. Richard said it was working on him. Artie said that he thinks that if Mike was given the choice of Robin or Richard, he'd probably pick Richard too.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave Robin an F, Marry, Kill game with High Pitch Mike, Richard and JD. She chose to kill Mike, fuck JD and marry Richard.
Howard wrapped up with Richard a short time later. Artie told him, again, that he was going to get him laid and he would cum multiple times out there in Vegas. Artie said that he's going to be all coked up out there while Richard is getting laid. Howard joked that Artie is going to have a big ''Do Not Disturb'' sign on his door the whole time he's out there. Just like he did when Gary was out there with him. Howard thanked Richard for coming in and went to break after that.
Sal said that he checked the directions on the web site and they suggest spraying after you dump. He said that there was no odor after his shit. He said the room smelled fresh and clean after he sprayed it. The product is called Just-a-Drop.
Artie said that they have to have a chemical in there to block out the smell. He said that the fumes have to be killing them or something.
Gary said that he's not sure he believes it. He said that they have video of Sal going to the bathroom. He said that he has the ability to go whenever he's asked. He said his crap shoots out like a rocket too.
Howard wasn't sure he wanted to see that. They showed it on the monitors in the studio anyway. Sal went into the bathroom and tried to get Lisa to watch him but she didn't want to see it. Then Sal took his shit and sprayed a bunch of sprays of that stuff. He said that it really smelled bad so he shot a bunch of shots.
Sal was trying to get Lisa to get down close to the toilet but she said she could smell it from where she was. Howard said that she's a real trooper to go in there. Sal thinks she's desperate to keep her job.
Lisa said that the product was found in China and you are supposed to just spray the bowl before you go. They had the wrong information. Artie asked if they can drop a big canister of that on Staten Island.
Shuli said that they have a story on Big Foot and how they won't let him leave the mental institution. They reached out to his mother and she wasn't phased by the fact that he's in the hospital. She told them that she can't help him out. Shuli said that tonight is Riley Martin's last show, possibly, if he doesn't renew his contract.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of subjects they were going to be covering today.
Howard mentioned Savoy Brown and Humble Pie so Fred played some of that stuff for him. Howard sang along to some of it and talked up the songs like he was a deejay. They played some Foghat and a few other things as well.
Howard said that Keith Richards was on the phone to promote the new movie. It was Sour Shoes doing his impressions. He did his Jimmy Fink impression, his Scott Ferrall impression and others. Howard wanted him to sing everything as Ferrall. He wasn't able to get his attention though because his music was so loud. He was able to get his attention for about a second so he asked him to do the Ferrall impression while he sang. Sour Shoes went right into it and sang along to some of the tunes as Ferrall. Howard said that it's tough to talk to that guy and hung up on him.
Robin got into her news and read a story about a man who had a baby with his adult daughter in Australia. Howard said he can't imagine doing that with his daughter. Robin read through that story and gave Howard the details that were coming out on the Australian version of ''60 Minutes.'' Howard said that they never have anything cool like that on ''60 Minutes'' here. Howard wanted to see what she looked like so Robin brought him a picture. She said she wasn't very attractive. Howard said that she is kind if heavyset and looks just like her father. The guys spent some time goofing on that.
Robin brought up Heidi Klum again and talked about her baby pictures that are in the paper just about every day.
Artie was eating so Howard asked what it was he had. Artie said that it was the Linden's Chocolate Chippers. He had a mouth full when Howard asked him what they were.
Howard said that one of their listeners got a book published and dedicated it to them. He said that book was ''Reclaiming the Soul.'' He read through some other e-mails about some stuff that was in the news. He said that one person wrote in about the John Kerry thing they mentioned yesterday. Someone wrote in and told him about how Kerry has a bunch of media companies that support him so that would explain why he's trying to hold up the merger.
Howard read an article from a paper in Utah where they talked about the merger and how the government let oil companies merge without thinking about it as long as they are with this satellite merger. Howard said that this is raising a lot of eyebrows and it's really suspicious that they're holding it up this long.
Howard said that he was right about Al Roker hosting Celebrity Family Feud. Howard said that he'd love a gig like that. He said he'd play it straight on a show like that too. He said he'd be a safer, more comfortable Howard Stern if he got a gig like that. Howard read the article about the Celebrity Family Feud and they don't even have a line up yet.
Howard said he'd love a job where he doesn't have to be funny, he just wants to be an announcer. He said he'd have to sign a ''no goofing'' clause in a contract. He went on to act out what the Celebrity Family Feud might go like if he were the host. He was putting on a goofy voice and bringing up a bunch of celebrities that might be involved with a show like that. They had Erin Moran and Tina Yothers as the two families that would be playing. They had some fun with that and Howard said that the next week would be Tom Bergeron vs. Simon Cowell's family.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was about to run off the road from laughing so much. He also told Artie that ''Beer League'' rules.
Robin read a story about Pam Anderson coming out with her own reality TV show. Howard said that might be good even though she said she'd never do a show like that. He also talked about how Paula Abdul is trying to get on Dancing with the Stars. He said that would be great to watch that. Robin said that she's a professional dancer though. Howard said it doesn't matter, he'd watch.
Robin read a story about Rob Lowe and how a former baby sitter is claiming that she had sex with him. That led to the guys talking about how Rob used to be a sex addict so it wouldn't be that unbelievable. Gary said that he chaperoned a dial-a-date with Rob one time and he was pretty wild.
Howard talked about how good his daughter Debra was a very good student and he thinks that part of that may have been due to the fact that the cable TV in her room never worked very well. She also had it easy with home work and managed to get it done very quickly without needing help from him. He said that Emily was the same way.
Artie said that he never took a book home and never did any homework. Howard said that he was the same way and rarely did homework.
Gary came in to tell a story but Howard cut him off and said he wanted to let Robin get back to her news. He said he knew he didn't want to hear his story so he ended it before it started. That led to Fred playing a new Baba Booey song parody. Howard told Gary to tell that story on the Wrap Up Show.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the Olympic torch relay and how it's being protested everywhere it's being run. People are trying to grab the torch because people are trying to steal it. Robin said that she's very amused by the whole thing and she's never had any interest in the torch run before.
Robin read a story about the Iraq war and how John McCain is thinking that we're on the brink of success. Howard said that maybe he knows something that he doesn't but it's not looking so successful to him.
Robin had a story about this religious sect that was broken up recently to protect some young girls who were claiming they were being abused.
Robin had some audio of the Paris anti-China protest so she had Howard play that. She also talked about the final outcome of the Princess Diana inquest that was done over in England. She spent a minute on that.
Earlier in the morning the guys were talking about Howard getting laid before Beth went out but then went and watched Dancing with the Stars. Artie said he watched a basketball game and didn't get laid so he technically had a gayer night than Howard did. He said that if he had gotten laid and watched the basketball game, he would have beat Howard out.
Robin played some clips from last night's Dancing with the Stars. Adam Carolla is still in it so far. Howard said that if people like him they'll keep him in there. Artie said he started watching some of the Rock the Cradle show and he's kind of liking it.
Robin talked about some other stuff like the American Idol Gives Back show. That led to Howard going off on them for claiming to be giving back when it's the viewers who are giving the money to them to give. He said that Rupert Murdoch could be giving back instead of taking money from the fans. He said that he doesn't want to be fed a message when he just wants to tune in to be entertained. He said he won't be watching that show.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him what his top favorite movies are. Howard said that it was Godfather 1 and 2 and maybe that porn movie where the guy chloroforms girls. Artie said that he box set of Godfather was great because while you watch 1 and 2 you can do coke off the Godfather 3 DVD.
Robin told Howard about this 23 inch tall Indian woman that she saw in the news and how she might be perfect for that Richard guy that was in earlier. She showed the picture to Howard and he said that she looks like a little kid. She's also only 15 years old. Artie said that was the funniest thing he's seen. He asked her to get him some pictures of some of the Prada Willi kids too.
Robin went through a couple more quick stories about American Idol and the new Rolling Stones movie ''Shine a Light.'' Howard wrapped up the show and ended it around 10:45am.
Gary said that he was going in to talk about the homework thing with Howard and he got kicked out. He said he thought he had something to say but it's a crowded room in there now. He said that it's hard to get into and he went to speak 3 times and Artie spoke over him all three times.
Gary said that he has one break in the morning to talk to Howard and to pitch all of the guests to him. He said he has a lot of things to pitch and it's tough to get it all in. He has to share that time with Will and then other people will come into the studio and it's just too many people. He said that they end up veering off into other directions while they're going over that stuff.
Gary said that he wanted Sal and Richard to leave the studio when they were in there during the break. He said he needed to get his stuff in and Sal was going off in another direction. Sal let out a really loud cough off mic around that time so the guys told him that it still came over the microphone.
Sal said that he didn't know that Gary was so annoyed by him. He said that Jason actually told him to keep going with his stories so he could annoy Gary even more.
Sal said that he likes to get out of the studio as soon as he can after telling stories. He doesn't want to be kicked out. They talked about how Richard got kicked out after Howard said goodbye to him a bunch of times. They spent a short time talking about that.
Gary said that the breaks are running really short now and they don't have a lot of time to go over stuff before they come back. He said it's really hard to get in the stuff they need to for the show.
Jon went to the phones and one guy talked about how great Katt Williams was on the show today. He said that he was laughing at Howard going off on Gary about his chair yesterday. He said that he wanted to know if he was really that neurotic or if he was just goofing on him. Gary said that he was just breaking his balls because the label on the chair is just one of those label maker labels.
The caller was also asking about them making fun of Gary the Retard and if they think that's wrong. Jon said that Gary seems to have a fun time when he's there. Sal said that Gary might be retarded but he's not stupid. He said he's proud to be retarded. He said he'd rather have fun with him than give pity to someone out on the street. Gary said that Sal is full tilt into stockbroker mode with that story. Sal said that ''retarded'' on the Stern show is a term of endearment in his opinion.
Richard was saying that he liked how they spent 15 minutes trying to come up with ways to fool a retard when they had the meeting for that segment.
Jon asked Sal about his dump and how Lisa G was following him around about that. Sal said he thinks that it's just a way for her to get to see his genitals.
Richard said that he didn't know that Howard was trying to get rid of him during that segment that he was getting kicked out of. He said that he was just enthralled in the conversation and didn't even know that Howard was trying to get rid of him.
Jon asked Richard about Artie talking about him possibly being retarded after he told that prostate story. Richard said that he doesn't always think about stuff ahead of time but he really didn't think the doctor would care about him not wiping his ass. Gary said that he doesn't think that Richard is retarded, he's just not considerate.
Richard said that he went to the doctor for his prostate because he had burning in his asshole at the time. It turned out it was just the spicy food he was eating back then.
Jon asked Richard about the basketball game he watched last night and how he got hooked into that. They spent a short time talking about the game and how that went. Richard said he was in a bar and thought that the game was over with just a few seconds left. He said he thinks that there were a lot of Kansans in the bar too since they were cheering for the team. He said that he can't imagine why they'd be cheering for the team if they weren't from Kansas.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she wanted to talk about Gary and defend him. She said that Sal is the best at making his point and getting out but Gary is too lenient on everyone. She said that Shuli is the worst at staying too long in the studio. She thinks that Gary should keep some of those people out of there. Gary said that he does let them go in, Howard is the one who has to get them out of there.
Gary said that he worst person for going in and never leaving is Ralph. He said that he'll go in and sprawl out on the couch and not leave. Even Howard has said stuff to Gary about that in the past.
Richard told a story about Dan the Song Parody Man going into the studio one time and Gary freaking out when he found out he was allowed in there without going through him first. Gary said that Stuttering John used to tell people to go into the studio with really boring stories but he'd tell them that the stories were great. Then Howard would hear the story and tell them that they were boring.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Richard isn't on more comedy shows around the country. Richard said that he's got some other stuff going on locally but he does love going out to those shows once in a while. Sal said that he'd love for Richard to come to more of the shows but he has to accept that he's just doing his own thing. Richard said that he loves doing the shows with Sal and they have a great time together.
The caller told Gary that he thinks that he and Fred are the two smartest people on the show and he thinks that he's great on the Wrap Up Show. He also asked Jon for his thoughts on The Office and what he thinks of that show. Jon said he actually thinks that it's a great show but he wasn't sure how they were going to do bringing it here to the U.S.
Gary asked if he would be lost if he started watching it now. Jon said that he thinks he'd be able to get into it. He said that it's not all about Steve Carrel either, they do stuff with the other characters.
The guys talked about some other TV shows like King of the Hill and some other stuff. Richard said that he jumped for joy when he heard that King of the Hill was renewed for another season. That show has been on for 13 seasons now. The guys talked about a few other shows like South Park.
Jon played a little bit of the Katt Williams interview. That led to the guys talking about all of the Jewelry he was wearing and about the story of his life.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had a run in with Katt Williams one night he was out at a poker tournament. He said that he ran into him out with some of his entourage. He said that they were parading around the casino like he was the president and it seems like he was trying to show off and that's not the way he was coming off on the show today.
Gary talked about some of the other guests that they've had on who have been in bad moods and stuff and he can't judge them on meeting them just that one time. The caller told Gary what a big fan of his he and his friends are. He said he loves hearing his opinions on stuff and he's glad he's on this show.
Jon went to another call and the guy told them about the paint thinner story that Katt talked about and how you can light it on fire and you don't see the fire when you go to grab the door handle. Sal asked if he could give the guy his wife's license plate so he can light her handles on fire.
The guy on the phone said that he liked his drumming yesterday. That somehow led to the guys talking about John Carpenter movies that Richard likes. They spent a few minutes on that and talking about some other movies as well. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon brought up Richard, the guy with the skin condition, and asked how he got booked. Gary said that Howard had approved it a while back and he wasn't sure why he was having him in until they showed him a picture of the guy again.
Gary said that Richard was a really great guy and he had a great attitude. Jon said that he really admired him for the attitude he had after all of the stuff he's gone through. Gary said that there are a few people who have to go through a lot of crap in their lives. He said that Richard has a pretty amazing attitude for what he's had to go through.
Jon said that Richard looked kind of like the American Werewolf in London guy just before he transforms. That's how bad it looked. Gary said that Richard was just trying to show that he's really a good guy. Jon said that some people avoid even touching him because they think that he's contagious or something. There was only one person who went in to say hello to Richard before the show. That person was Benjy. Benjy said that it might seem kind of condescending but he wanted to make the guy feel comfortable.
Gary talked about the conjoined twins that were on the show back at the channel 9 show. He said that everyone wanted to see them but didn't want to talk to them. He said that Jackie the Joke Man went in to get a pen just so he could see what was going on there.
Benjy remembered trying to track them down at one time and people would say that one of the women worked at a hospital but the didn't know where the other one worked even though they were conjoined twins.
Jon heard that Benjy freaked out when he heard that someone was going off on him for using Purell on his hands after shaking hands with Richard. Benjy said that he does that with every person he shakes hands with and he got mad at the person yelling at him because Richard was still there when that was going on.
Jon played a clip from that segment where Artie was talking about getting Richard laid. That led to the guys asking Teddy about the Vegas trip and if he's going to have to get the whores for Richard. Teddy said he'll be in charge of getting the plane tickets and stuff like that. Artie will take care of getting him the hooker. Benjy said that someone has to ask the hooker if she's okay with being with Richard too so that's going to be tough.
Richard said that they might want to get a hooker who specializes in deformities or something. Gary said that he thinks they all do.
A caller asked if they think that Richard will have an easier time with women the older he gets. Benjy said he thinks that it will get easier. There are probably chicks out there who want to go out of their way to ''rescue'' him.
Gary said that Fred the Elephant Boy was kind of a lonely guy without many friends before he came on the show. Once he came on he kind of started socializing and now he's a mini-celebrity.
Benjy said that he doesn't think that a woman in the same position as Richard could make it in this life as easy as a guy can. Gary said that even Steven Hawking has gotten married and been accused of cheating on his wife.
That led to the guys talking about JD and his luck with women. They said that he just needs some confidence and he'd be fine.
The guys were talking about Robin's picks in the F, Marry, Kill games and stuff like that. They talked about how Robin was picking Richard over guys like Eric the Midget and even Benjy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that everyone treated Richard really nice. Gary said that they weren't being fake or bullshitting, the guy was a nice guy. The caller said that he has a son with a skin disorder and he knows what it must be like for that guy. He said that it's not as bad as that condition Richard had.
The caller said that the itch is underneath his skin and he tears skin off to get to it. Benjy said that he's read about that and they say that it might be psychological. The caller said that the skin is all red and blotchy and it just peels for no reason.
Benjy said that he hasn't had one yet so he doesn't know what it's like. Gary said that it's not comfortable and it's not fun but it's not that scary. He said that he wanted to walk home from the exam but he had an ass rash when he got home from all of the lube still being in there.
Benjy said he had a colonic one time and it was freaky for him when they stuck the tube in there. Richard said that he was frightened when he had it done but he didn't think it was that bad when he was done. He said that he may have had a couple of fingers in there at the same time and it wasn't too bad.
Gary said that he was doing some drugs when he was younger and he had to go in and get it checked a bunch of times because of that.
A caller asked why Artie is trying to help this guy out and not helping himself first. Sal said that this might be the way that Artie does help himself, by helping other people. Jon said that he saw Artie help a guy out on the street in Pittsburgh one time and no one saw him do it. He's just a good guy trying to help someone out.
Gary said that it seems to bring Artie joy to help other people out and give them money or whatever it is they need. Benjy said that he thinks that Artie might like looking good doing it but Gary doesn't think that's the case. Jon didn't think that was it either. Benjy said that he thinks that he does enjoy looking good.
Gary asked Teddy if Artie does stuff that no one would know about to help people. teddy said that he really does a lot of stuff to help people out and no one knows about it. He doesn't think that he's doing it to get publicity.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked what their favorite movies were. Gary said that Godfather, Raging Bull, and the Natural might be his. Jon ran through his real quick and Sal threw in a joke about liking ''Boss nig*er'' as one of his favorites. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about last night's ''Secret Talents of the Stars'' because George Takei was on it. He apparently got kicked off the first night. He didn't see the show himself though. He was waiting for JD to pull some clips for him.
Howard said he was feeling tired this morning. Artie said he was too because he was out doing a comedy show last night. He said it was a charity event for a comedian that doesn't have health insurance. He can't get the treatment he needs for the cancer he has. He said that a lot of people in SAG don't get the health insurance coverage because they make too little money to get it. He said that they have to make under 8 grand in the business. He said that less than 5 percent of the people in SAG actually make more than that.
Howard said that Beth was doing commercials and getting paid good money. Then the actors strike came and she wasn't allowed to do anything. They tried to cancel her health benefits after that because she hadn't made enough due to the strike.
Artie said that they sold out the comedy club last night with about 310 people. They were charging 50-60 bucks a pop. They had Dave Attell, Colin Quinn and a couple of other guys there too. Howard asked Artie how he gets through something like that. Artie said that the crowd was great and listened to the comics so it was pretty easy to get through it. He said he did about 22 minutes of all new material and they were great.
Artie said that he had a few minutes of new stuff over what Howard saw last time he came out to see him. He said that he was trying out some of that stuff last night. Artie didn't get back home until close to 11. He had a hard time getting to sleep last night.
Artie said that the guys are all younger and they're all pot heads but he's never been into weed. He said that he doesn't want to go over there and smoke it. He said that he thinks that it should be legalized though. He said he's tried it and had an awful time with it. He said that shit is nuts.
Artie said that he's 40 now and he's going to the bachelor party with a bunch of 20-somethings. He said that he's going to be flying 1st class while everyone else is going to be in coach. He said that he's got a different flight than they do. He said that they're all staying in a different hotel and all of that too. He said he's going to splurge on the hotel while they can't do that. He told Jason to just pretend that he's not even there with them.
Artie said that he's not a fan of the Black Crowes and he doesn't want to go to that show. Howard asked Artie what he's going to do over there the whole time. Artie said that he may try to see how many times he can get laid over there. He said he's never tried to see how many times he can do that in a short period of time.
Artie said that he may go out sight seeing and stuff like that. He's going to hang with the guys more than it sounds like too. He said he wants to see what Amsterdam is really like too.
Artie said that he heard that the hookers over there are smokin' hot so he's going to check out the red light district there. He said that he'll have some fun with that while he's there too. Howard was kind of surprised he's not worried about disease with those chicks over there.
Robin said she thought that the girls kept the guys in their own rooms there but Artie was hoping to take them back to his own hotel room.
Jason came in so Howard asked him if he's going to get laid over there. He said he's not but also said that his fiancé was in the car on her way to work right now. He said he's not going to be doing anything like that over there. Howard said it sounds like they're flying halfway across the world just to smoke pot and that sounds crazy to him.
Gary said that his wife passed out from smoking weed over there. He said that she got all weird and passed out in the coffee shop they were in. He said that he doesn't like weed himself but that was the best weed experience he had until his wife passed out.
Gary said that the weed was really good and he took it to Paris with him. They took a train from Amsterdam to Paris. Artie said he'd love to do that. Gary said that Amsterdam is really small and you can walk from one end to the other in a day. Howard was kind of shitting on all of these plans that he had so Artie went off on that for a second.
Howard had a new voice mail from Richard's dad. He played the call where the guy tells Richard that they sent him a package with a picture of a big fish they caught out there in Kansas. It was an old picture with Richard in it when he was little. They also had a story about Borat being out in Wichita or something like that.
Howard said that his father never has that much to say to him when he calls. He said that his dad would never call to tell him what he's up to. He hears that call and figures that he must have had a great upbringing. Then he thinks about how fucked up Richard is and thinks that something must have gone horribly wrong. He brought up the not wiping before his prostate exam story that he told on Monday.
Howard played another voice mail from Richard's dad where he talks about some of the stuff going on with the family.
Howard said that his father hasn't picked up the phone to call him in 10 years. Robin thought he was kidding but Howard said that's true. He said that he must despise him if that's the case. Robin said that's ridiculous. Richard said that he gets to go visit his parents often so that might be why they don't call that much. Howard laughed at that explanation.
Howard said he thinks that his dad loves him in his own way but he doesn't really enjoy talking to him. He was singing some ''Cat's in the Cradle'' while talking about his dad. He said that he's kind of glad that his father doesn't bother him with that kind of stuff.
Howard talked about his parents coming to visit him in Boston just a couple of times when he was in college. Howard said his father paid for his college education and he really appreciates that. He said it goes a long way with him. Artie said that some people don't realize how much that means because some parents can't afford to do that.
Howard said that his kids took school really seriously and he's glad that they did because he would have killed himself if they hadn't.
Howard said that his father gave him $100 a month for spending money. He said that it had to go to cigarettes and he can remember not eating at times just so he could smoke. He said that he and Dr. Lou would cook a roast beef and had to make it last for a whole week. He said that he never asked his father for more money and he wasn't supposed to work because he was supposed to concentrate on school.
Howard said that his parents came up for a visit and they went out to eat one night. He said that he suggested going out to a place called Aegean Fair and there were flies all around him and his mother wondered why they had to go there and not to a nice place. Howard said he didn't have any money to go out to dinner there in Boston so he had no idea where the nice places were.
Robin told a story about her college roommate's mother who gave her a bed spread that matched her daughters so she'd have a matching room.
Howard said that his father told him that he told his mother that she could have as many kids as she wanted but he wasn't going to be involved with raising them. He said that he followed through on that too. He said that he remembers telling his wife the same thing. He said that he didn't want to take care of the kids but that's the dumbest statement you can say to anyone. He said that he thought that's what you were supposed to do, he didn't know any better.
Howard did his impression of Richard's dad and made up what his phone calls to his daughters might sound like. Artie had suggested that he do that accent when he calls them so Howard gave it a try.
Howard said that they have $500 courtesy of the Man Groomer to give away. He said the first word was Magnesium and they asked Dave if he could say it. The caller said that there's no way he would know that one. Everyone agreed. Dave actually said it right though.
Howard said the second word was Demoral. The guys said that he wouldn't be able to say it. He said ''De-moral.'' The next one was Excedrin. The guys figured he'd know how to say that one. Evil Dave said ''Epidrin.''
Howard moved on to the next one which was ''Welbutrin.'' The guys figured Dave wasn't going to be able to say it but he got pretty close. Howard gave that one to the caller. The final word was Xanax. Howard and the guys figured that was going to throw Dave off. The caller agreed. Dave said ''X-nax.'' Howard gave the caller the prize.
Howard said that someone wrote him about black people in Germany. He was saying that women love black men over there in Germany. The writer said he knows for a fact that they're treated like gods over there because he's stationed over there.
Howard said that some people loved the pictures of Artie playing drums that are up on his web site. They liked the Baghdad Booey pictures over on the web site as well.
Artie said that he has an official line up for the Iraq tour. He said that it'll be him, Dave Attell, Nick DiPaolo, Jim Florentine and Gary.
Gary came in and said that the guys in the office swear that they saw Eric pick his nose and eat it. Eric said that he didn't do that either. Jason said that they played the video in the studio when he did that. Eric said that he adjusts his glasses a lot and he didn't pick his nose and eat it.
Howard said that he was looking at Eric on the JFSC camera and Artie wondered if he had spanked it to that picture of Diana Degarmo. Eric said that he hasn't done that at all.
Richard called in as ''Rusty'' and said he saw Eric doing some stuff on cam and saw him doing a Nazi salute and things like that. Eric denied that of course. Rusty said that he saw Eric burning a cross on there too. Howard ended up doing his impression of the woman that Richard calls as ''Rusty'' on this public access TV show. They goofed on her for a few minutes.
Rusty said that he saw Eric doing a bunch of other things. Howard said that it would be great if Eric actually did that stuff. Robin asked if he ever does anything but sit there. Eric said that he does do his show on there.
Howard told Eric that he should announce that he's going to do something crazy. He said that he should do something wild like light himself on fire or something. Eric said that he's not going to do that. Howard suggested that he clean his ears at noon today. He said he'd tune in to watch that.
Howard asked Eric what he's going to do today. Eric said that he's going to make some phone calls and watch Idol Gives Back. He's going to do his show about that. He said that he also does his Idol show coverage on there too.
Howard and Robin suggested that he eat on cam or something. Eric said that he plays video games with the camera watching. Artie suggested that put the cam in his kitchen and try to fit into his blender. Eric told Artie that he can't fit into any appliance.
Howard said that Eric's moustache and beard isn't working for him. Eric said he's trying to grow a goatee. He said he grew one and shaved it off so he's trying again. Howard told him it looks like dirt and not a good Tom Selleck moustache. He told him to shave that off at noon. He asked if he could ride a dog like a phony. Eric said no to that too.
Howard asked Eric what he weighs. He said he's about 80 pounds. Artie said that it sounds like he can lose a few. Eric said ''yeah, whatever'' and said that Artie could stand to lose a few pounds too. Eric said he's about 3'6'' tall so Howard thought that was a little heavy for that height.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Eric if he ever laughs at the show. He said he's never heard him laugh. Eric said he does laugh sometimes. The caller asked what he laughs at and what bits he likes. Eric said that he couldn't think of anything.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he was watching Eric's feed last night and saw him masturbating on cam. Howard said he didn't believe that one. Robin told Eric that they could all have lunch with him if he ate on cam.
Howard asked Eric if he came up with a name for his modeling agency. He played one of the fake clips they made up for ''Eric's Shitty Acting and Modeling Agency.''
Robin figured they were done with him for now after that. Eric said that he's trying to raise some money for Robin's charity and he's challenging the SternFanNetwork to raise more than them. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
The caller said that his wife died in January and they were married only 8 years. He said that he lost his first wife to cancer and then got divorced from his second wife and married this woman 8 years ago. He said that she was healthy at the time of their marriage and then she got cancer. He said that his first wife died of a brain tumor when she was just 21. Howard said he sure knows how to pick them. He said he's like the opposite of a rabbit's foot.
Howard said that 8 years might be a good time to go. He said that if he could do that every 8 years he'd have a great life. Artie said that it's always the wrong person who gets a brain tumor. Howard said that was a nice story, not for the guy but for the show.
Howard played another one of those prank calls that Richard made as ''Rusty'' to the public access TV show with the strange woman as the host. Richard got through and the woman hung up on him and then Sal called in and said some offensive stuff to her. Howard ended up doing an impression of the woman and goofing on her for a short time.
Howard played another one of the calls the guys made to that woman's call in show. They used some George Takei audio clips in that one. Howard said that the woman was saying she wanted to do a special show with those ''cranky callers'' but she never did. Richard said that none of those shows take calls anymore because of them. He said that the telepsychic show stopped doing shows all together. The other TV shows just stopped taking calls.
Richard said that he was thinking of moving to Queens so he can get some different public access TV shows. He said that they play a lot of that stuff on replays and they leave their calls in so they can catch them once in a while. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard asked JD what kind of stuff he had in there. JD said he had a clip of George talking about how his parents brought a radio into the internment camp they were put in during World War II. Howard played some of the clips of George singing and talking about singing in his shower.
Artie wondered how they could kick him off that show. He said that was entertainment after hearing some of George talking about his singing.
Howard asked who else was on that show and what they were doing. JD told Howard about some of the other contestants and what they did.
Howard played a clip of George singing ''On The Road Again.'' Howard said it was horrible. Robin asked if George knows that he can't sing. Artie said ''No.'' Howard got a laugh out of the performance and said ''Oy vey!''
Howard played the judges giving their opinions on the performance. One guy said that it was okay and he stayed on key the entire time. Debbie Reynolds said that she liked it and would love to have him on the road with her. Howard wondered what the hell was up with John O'Hurley and the way he was announcing. Then they had some guy who told George he was awful. JD said that he's the ''mean judge'' like Simon Cowell.
Howard played some of George's singing for them and said that he likes that. He played a couple of those performances and said he should have done those on that show. He played the one where George sings about ''Brad's big balls'' and got a laugh out of that.
Howard had some clips of Clint Black performing some comedy on that ''Secret Talents'' show. Clint told some pretty lame jokes about doing comedy in his shower. Howard cut it off and said he can really relate to that comedy bit. He played through more of that and there was no laughter. Howard said that guy is a ''fuckin retard'' and he's ''so lame.''
Howard goofed on Clint Black about the lip smacking he was doing too. He said that he married that Lisa Hartman chick and figured that's how you make a marriage last a long time. He said she used to be hot. JD said that she's still good looking, she was on the show.
Howard brought up the bowling show that the Howard TV guys are going to be doing. They have some high heel bowling shoes that the girls will be wearing and it's an actual shoe. Robin said she's never seen anything like that and it looks very nice.
Howard said that tomorrow night on Howard TV they're going to have a special on how the Garypalooza evolved. They'll show how the bit was developed in their meetings and how that all came together.
Howard said that Artie sleeping through the news show is another big one on Howard TV. He said that Ryan Phillippe and the Jim and Robin show are also getting a lot of views.
The caller asked Howard for a plug for an Artie portrait that they're auctioning off. Howard rushed him along and had him get in his plug for ComedyRocksNJ.com.
Howard took another call from a woman who asked him to do an impression of his mom for her. Howard said he didn't know he was supposed to do stuff like that for the audience. He said it's like an improv show now. Howard did the voice and Artie threw out a situation that she could be in. He said that she was working in a grocery store and was about to be robbed... and she's racist. That led to Howard doing that for a short time and throwing out some racial jokes. The woman on the phone said that she didn't know what to say after that.
Howard did his impressions of both of his parents and did that for a short time. He had the two of them having sex and had Ben asking Ray to ''part the hairs'' down there because it was like a jungle down there. Then Artie threw out that he should do his mother having sex with Ted Kennedy. Howard did his Kennedy impression and goofed on him a little bit and had him drowning his mother. He had to go to break after that.
Howard talked to Joan about her new reality show that she's doing with her daughter Melissa. She said that she's desperate now and that's why she's doing it. She said she was just kidding about that. She said that her career is in an upsurge at this point. She said that she never turns down anything but she did turn down Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice though. She said that she doesn't want to be yelled at by Ivanca.
Howard said he can't imagine Joan going on that show. She said that she would do it if her daughter could be on the other team. She thought that would be fun. Howard said that you can't force your kid into everything.
Howard asked Joan if she was taking pills or something. She said that she was just drinking water. Howard asked her how old she is now. She said she's 74 and she hates it. She said that it makes her sick. She said that she meets 70 year old men and it makes her sick. Howard said that she's still kind of fuckable to him and he thinks that he might still do her.
Howard said that a lot of older women get really bad hair cuts but Joan still has nice hair. He told her that she still looks good. Joan said that the meanest thing that someone can tell a woman is that they have beautiful skin because that means that everything else is gone. Joan said that older women lose their hair and that's why they get those bad hair cuts.
Howard said that Joan has full lips and asked if she gets injections. She said that she doesn't but she does get Botox in her face.
Howard asked Joan about what it's like when she gets to the age of 74 and if she's afraid that she's going to end up in an old age home. Joan didn't seem too concerned with that. She said that she has her will written up so that if she dies that they can't bring her back unless she's able to perform on stage. She doesn't want to be brought back if she's only going to be at 90 percent of what she is now. She said her life is show business and she doesn't want to be alive if she can't do it.
Joan said that she also paints and reads but that's about it. She said her paintings are horrible an no one has ever asked her for any of the paintings she's done.
Howard asked Joan if she ever gets horny. She said that she does and she still has a great sex life. Howard asked her if she still uses a vibrator. She said that she found a channel on DirecTV where they talk about sex toys. She said she found that and watches it.
Howard said that his mother doesn't even shave her bush but he bets that Joan does. Joan said that she waxes hers. Howard said that his mother should shave down for his father. He said that his father's penis has to be like a machete to get through that jungle. He asked Joan if she has a landing strip. She claims that she has her initials and said that it actually says ''Ha Ha'' down there.
Howard asked Joan if her friends have been dying off. She said that she doesn't have friends her age so they aren't dying off. She said that she has been with some actors in the past that have died off though. She said that the man who she was going out with just died too. She said that she stopped seeing him 4 years ago and he just passed away. She said that she heard things were bad with him too and she was saddened by that.
Joan didn't want to say who the other guy was that passed away because he was a married man when she dated him. She said that she didn't want to give out his name because she's not sure if his wife is still around. Howard kept trying to figure out who it was. He found out it happened 15 years ago and it lasted for 6 months. Joan said that they'd recognize the name too. Howard guessed it was Charles Nelson Riley. Joan played along and said that was him.
Howard said that he never knew that about Joan. He asked her a few more names and wasn't able to come up with who it was. Howard kept asking and eventually found out that Robert Goulet had come on to her at some point. She said that he showed up to her hotel room with a bottle of champagne. Joan said that she wasn't interested though.
Howard heard that Joan's dog had to have a leg amputated. Joan said that she was off doing a show and someone called her up and told her that the dog had bone cancer and they had to amputate. She said that she had to make the decision over the phone. She said that the dog is fabulous and now she's using the dog as a tripod for her camera.
Howard said he heard that Joan hates this Victoria Beckam chick. Joan said that she doesn't like her and told Howard why that was. She said that she usually loves skinny women like that but she's heard one horror story after the next about her.
Joan said that she's going to be doing her red carpet thing for AOL now. She said that they're getting more views through that than they did on the TV Guide channel. Howard asked Joan about some of her friends and found out that she's friends with prince Charles and asked her about that. Joan said that she thinks that Prince Charles and Camilla must have a great sex life. She said that she loves the two of them.
Howard asked how Joan got to know the Prince. She said that she went painting with them one time and got to know them during that trip. Howard wanted to know more details. He asked how she gained their trust to take her on the trip. She said they had a mutual friend that introduced them. They all stayed in the same house and it was a great time. She said that they're actually fabulous people.
Howard said that he pictures that Camilla putting a strap-on on and fucking Charles. She said that Charles is a very good looking man. She said that he's got great style and great charm as well. She said they just hung out, talked and laughed. She said that she calls him ''Sir'' when she's around him. Howard said she had to be kidding about that. Joan said that she never tried to call Camilla by her name either.
Howard said that's ridiculous that she has to call him sir. She said that he kisses her on both cheeks and she adores both of them so she doesn't mind. Howard asked if she thinks that Camilla urinates on Charles. She didn't answer that.
Howard said that Joan is going to be at The Cutting Room in Manhattan and you can get tickets to her show at TheCuttingRoomNYC.com. Howard asked her a few questions about that show and how long it was.
She also said that she's going to be on QVC on Sunday and Monday. Joan said that saved her when her comedy career went away. Artie said he had a friend who worked for Joan for a while. She didn't recognize the name though.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she thought that Charles wasn't her type and Rick on QVC was more her type. Irish John called in and said that he'd love a shot at spreading those 74 year old legs. He said he'd dump his fiancé for the chance at that. Joan didn't seem interested.
Howard asked Joan about who she's going to vote for in the Presidential election. Joan isn't happy with any of them at this point but she said that Obama is kind of interesting. He said that this country is a mess and we're in big trouble right now.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who has the biggest penis in show business. She said that it was Ellen Degenres. The caller got a laugh out of that. Howard gave Joan some more plugs for a show that she's in called Z-Rock on the IFC channel. He said that this was wild that she was still doing this much stuff at this point in her career. She said that she loves doing what she does. Howard said he doesn't love what he does so Joan told him to go do something that he does enjoy then.
Joan requested some music from the Starlight Express musical. She wanted to hear that on SIRIUS. Fred said he was looking for it in his system but he wasn't able to find it. Howard spent a few more minutes with Joan, gave her some more plugs and then went to break.
Howard said they also flash to the woman's husband and his whole face is tattooed with musical notes and it's the scariest thing he's ever seen. He said it's scary when you tattoo your face. Artie said that you've checked ''I don't care'' on your life's application when you do something like that.
Howard said that there's one chick on the show who is so hot she should be modeling. He said she should forget about singing and just model. Howard said he loves watching that show and he doesn't understand that. Robin doesn't get it either.
Howard said it's funny when Riley makes fun of his show saying that it's not educational. Meanwhile Riley is talking about meeting aliens. He said that Riley was talking about his cat getting sick and how he can't pay for it with the money he makes there. He was getting paid $400 per show there.
Howard asked if they couldn't even bump it up to 500 per show. Tim came in and said that they have to send out an engineer to do the show and they have to pay Eron as well so they can't afford to pay him more. Tim thinks that he'll think about it and possibly come back.
Howard said that it looks like Riley's raise went to Tim's stomach. He said he really needs to diet. Robin said that she has to ask him what he's doing because she was trying to help him out with his diet.
Tim said that he's been going to the gym and it's working for him. He said he's at 255 pounds but Fred said he's got to be 280. Artie said that based on himself, he'd have to say that he looks about 380. He said that Tim always dresses dapper even if he is a big guy.
Howard asked Tim about the work out he does and said that he doesn't think that it's that intense. Tim said that it is intense and he does about 40 minutes of cardio. Howard told him he must know what to eat. Tim said there's crap everywhere and he has to eat it. Robin said she's able to walk past it no problem.
Howard said that Tim was on the Zone Diet but he was eating two meals instead of just the one that he was supposed to. Tim told Howard he had to go back to work but Sal wanted to measure his waist. Tim didn't want to do that so he kept on going.
Howard played a clip from Riley's show where a caller got him started on Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Riley talked about Barack for a few minutes and Howard said he was kind of making sense talking about some of that stuff.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to make a comment about his look. She said that she thinks that he's a sexy looking guy. Howard said that he is and some people just don't realize that. She also thanked Howard for the show.
Robin said that Artie was just about falling asleep. Howard asked him if he wanted to lay down and nap. Artie said he was fine and he was just listening to him talking about Mike. Howard told Artie that he should just nap now so he'll be ready for the news. They have a bed for him to lay in now so they were going to bring that in for him so he could sleep.
Howard asked Artie if he wanted to go lay down. Artie said that he's not good at taking 20 minute naps. Howard told him to go do it anyway. Artie warned him that they're going to regret it when they wake him up after 20 minutes.
Howard told Artie he's got to stop doing gigs during the week. Artie apologized for that and said he won't do it again. Howard told him he'd rather have him sleeping in the bed than have him dozing off in his chair and falling off.
Artie said that the bed was gross and stained so he asked for a sheet. He said that thing is hard to get out of too. He said that they should get something else for him to sleep on. Howard had the guys wrapping him in his blankie. Artie said that it felt great and he was going to fall asleep.
Artie warned them not to let Sal write on his forehead or anything like that. Howard said they won't do that. Artie said he was getting so comfortable already. He laid down and was almost out within seconds. He said he was really comfortable. Howard had him take off his headphones so he wouldn't hear them talking.
Howard wanted to see how long it took Artie to fall asleep. Howard said he thought he was out already and it was only about 10 seconds in. He figured he was going to be out the rest of the show though. Artie was out a short time later. They had the microphone on him and he was sleeping within a minute.
Robin said that Artie was just about sleeping as he was standing up. Howard said that Artie is more vocal this way with the microphone on him sleeping. He said they'll leave the mic on him so people can hear that he's still there.
Howard said that Artie is all fucked up and that's why he can sleep so fast. He said he's got to be over 300 pounds easy. He also figured that if Artie can make it to almost 9 o'clock they're doing pretty good. He said he should be ready for the news a little later.
Howard told Jason that this is what he can expect from Artie over in Amsterdam. Jason was in taking pictures of Artie sleeping. Will was in and laughing at him too. Howard figured that he was probably drinking last night too.
Howard took some phone calls and let the guys goof on Artie a little bit. At one point Artie stopped breathing for about 10 seconds so they figured he might have sleep apnea or something.
All of the Howard TV guys came in to take pictures with Artie. Brian said that he wanted to take a picture with him as if he were at his wake and Artie was dead. He was going to pray next to him. Howard let them do that. Howard asked if anyone wanted to stand next to him with their cocks out. Richard came in with his penis out and Sal came in with his ass out. Howard told them not to do that because Artie will kill them. Gary said he told them not to do that when they went in but they did it anyway.
Howard got back to the show and read a story about Elliot Spitzer and his wife going out on the town together. He read the article about their day out and how they weren't really together in the car they took. Spitzer's wife sat in the back and Elliot in the front. They didn't do much of anything else together and weren't holding hands or anything.
Howard said that he's fascinated by that story. He said that the guy is still going out in public with his wife after being involved in the escort service scandal. Howard was talking about that but Artie snored. Robin said that it was tough to pay attention with that going on.
Howard talked about that story a little more but they kept getting distracted by Artie's nap. He was moving around and adjusting himself in the bed he was laying in.
Howard wondered about Spitzer and his wife and if they still love each other. He also read a story about how CNN is the most watched news network but FOX news claims they're the number 1 news network. He said that they can't both be number 1. He'd like to know who the real number 1 is.
Howard said he could listen to Artie snoring all day long. Robin said that it's like watching Eric the Midget. Howard said that Artie might put him down but he's very much like him.
Howard said he was going to try and ignore Artie but he can't do that. He said that Artie looks like a blow fish when he's sleeping. He said that this is going to make for great TV. He said that they've been working too hard and watching him sleep is fascinating. He said he can't take his eyes off the TV screen. He thinks that they've been working too hard doing comedy bits because this sleeping thing is just as entertaining.
Will came in and moved the microphone so they could hear him better. Fred said that it would be great if they had High Pitch Mike come in and do something with him while he's sleeping.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with the merger. Howard said that the Department of Justice approved it but the FCC still has to come out with their answer. He wondered what the problem was. He said that people are throwing money around Washington DC and that's what's holding up this merger decision.
Howard said he's not sure what the hold up is. Fred said that at this point the whole merger should just move ahead. Howard got distracted again when Artie let out a snore. Jason came in and said that the pictures are up on the web site but he wasn't sure he wanted to put up the one of Richard because he might kill him. Howard told him to just take it down when Artie wakes up.
Ralph said that they should have a special headset for Artie so they can hear him all the time. He said that Artie is like Jabba the Hutt. Fred described his snore as being like oatmeal just before it starts to boil. That's the way his mouth looked when he was snoring.
Howard said that Artie is really messed up. Ralph said he has to be to fall asleep with all of those guys running around with their cocks out.
Artie was letting out some strange noises so they kept getting distracted by that. Howard said that this is probably what he'll be doing over in Amsterdam. He said that he's going to spend thousands to go over there and he'll probably just sleep through it all.
Howard said that if they finish the show they're just going to leave the microphone up for the rest of the day. He said that he didn't think that it was going to last that long but it could. Howard said that it was funny that Artie didn't like how dirty the bed was but he fell right asleep as soon as he laid down in it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's really worried about Artie. She said that her father was having the same symptoms before he had a major heart attack and died. Howard said that the doctor told Artie that he was going to drop dead if he didn't do something so of course they're worried about him too.
The guys had to move the microphone again and then it looked like Artie was chewing in his sleep. Howard said that his head was very active while he was sleeping. Howard told Will to have a special mic made up for Artie because he thinks this is going to be a regular occurrence. Gary told Howard that they have a shotgun mic that they could use. His speaker startled Artie but didn't wake him.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that they should tell Artie it's the next day or something. Howard said that they could tell him it was 9 at night instead of morning. They could also go out and hide from him and freak him out.
Brian from Howard TV came in with a new microphone that they can aim at him and pick up the noise. Howard told him to keep the other one there for him while they set that one up. They were developing new technology as they watched Artie sleeping. Howard said he was going to take a break while they set up that microphone. Howard wondered if they should leave Artie's mic up during the commercials.
Howard was about to go to break but Artie moved and let out a really strange snore. The new mic wasn't very good either so he had the guys switch back to the old one. He was going to leave it up during the commercial break so everyone could hear him snoring during the commercials. He went to break a few seconds later.
Howard said that he had the weird noise that Artie made a few minutes ago. He replayed the clip a few times and said they'll have to ask Artie if he knows what that is when he wakes up.
Howard said that he had some new song parodies to play. He played one that he didn't like all that much. That one was about Robin's boobs. He had a new Baba Booey song parody from a guy that sounds very much like Sal. He replayed the Artie sound again and it looked like Artie was waking up. Will told him that he wasn't up yet.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked to wake Artie up. Howard said that he didn't have headphones on so he can't hear her. Mariann said she can't believe that he's doing this at work and it's a disgrace. She said she really wanted to wake him up but Howard hung up on her before she got the chance.
Another woman called in and said that this was bullshit and she's not sure why they let him sleep. She said that he's fat and needs to lose weight. Howard said that he didn't know what else to do, the guy was sweating and just about to pass out so he let him nap.
Howard said he had Elton John on the phone. It was Sour Shoes doing his Bill Clinton impression and playing some Elton John song. Artie started to snore really loud again so Howard let Sour Shoes do his thing while Artie snored away. Howard hung up on Sour Shoes and said he didn't want to miss a minute of that snoring.
Steve has more about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach being in jail and how he was supposed to show up for a court date yesterday but failed to show. That court date has been pushed back until next week. Artie was snoring in the middle of that so Jon Hein started to laugh. He said that his gut keeps expanding the longer he sleeps.
Steve said that he spoke to Ken's mother and she says that he would never do what he was accused of. He said that they also have an animated version of Artie's PSA at SaveBabyGorilla.com.
Artie moved again around that time so the guys were distracted by that for a few seconds. He opened his eyes and started to come around. Howard said he was going to play Artie's PSA that he recorded last week. They were still distracted by Artie's snoring so Howard said they have to get him a sleeping outfit for when he does this again.
Artie was about to fall off the bed that they had him on so Howard told the guys to keep an eye on him. He was back asleep within seconds. Howard played that ''fag'' PSA a few seconds later.
Howard asked Riley if he wanted to be let out of that contract and not do the one show. Riley said that he will honor his contract and they can take their time to get rid of him after that. He said he doesn't get this vendetta thing that they have going on against him. He said that he doesn't know what Robin's problem is with him either. Howard said that he would prefer that Riley do his show so Riley said he would like to honor his contract so he will do that.
Tim Sabean came in and said that he will honor the contract like he will honor it. Riley said that he's not sure why they can't give him the pittance that they give him there. Tim asked Riley if he lives on a budget. Riley said he has no choice but to live on one with the money they're paying him. Riley said that what they're paying him doesn't count in a budget. He said that this starvation bullshit is not too cool.
Howard said that he would like Riley to do the final show and Riley said he would do it. Tim said that if he doesn't want to do it that's fine with him. Riley kept saying he was going to honor his contract but they were giving him a hard time about that. Howard said he hopes that they can work something out. Riley said he'd like Howard to give him a call and maybe give him something a little extra every week, like maybe a six-pack.
Artie fell off his bed and didn't wake up right away. He eventually said ''Aww shit...'' but it looked like he was still asleep. He just rolled off the bed so Howard told the guys to cover him back up. He wasn't getting up and just laid on the floor. Jon said that he was really out.
Howard said that he rolled right off and just fell right back to sleep. He was snoring like crazy. The Howard TV guys showed the roll as a replay and had the guys laughing. They showed it a couple of times. Then Artie started to move so Howard thought he was waking up. Howard said it was like King Kong falling off the Empire State Building.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's going to cancel his SIRIUS today because he's paying 20 bucks a month to hear Artie sleep. He said he can't even watch Howard TV to see what's going on in there. Howard said he was sorry to lose him as a listener but he was having too much fun watching.
Jon Hein was laughing his ass off and said that this is the funniest thing he's ever seen. The guys had a teddy bear that they were going to pose with him too. Fred said that he figured that Artie had been to sleep for about 50 minutes at this point. They were going to leave up his microphone so the Wrap Up Show guys could hear that during their show.
Robin asked Howard about when he watches these reality shows that he watches. Howard said that he records them on his TiVo and watches them at different times.
Howard suggested that they move Artie down to the gay channel, OutQ, and let him wake up there. He said that he really hates to give Artie a serious talk but he thinks it might be time to do that again. He said he's tried to help him in the past but he really has to get some help. Robin said that his whole ass crack was showing now. The Howard TV guys got a shot of his ass cleavage after that. They talked about the stretch marks on his belly and how bad they looked. They pulled the blanket off of him for a second and Artie moved to grab his blanket back. Will tried to help him out with the pillow and Artie started to wake up again.
Howard told Will not to wake him but Artie was starting to get up. Howard said he's taking this tape to the networks to pitch it as a new reality show.
Robin got back to her news but both she and Howard said that they didn't care about any of that with Artie sleeping there. Howard said that he could name the show ''Sleeping with the Stars'' or something like that.
Artie woke up around 9:45 and started to get up. He said he was sore as he was getting up. He got back into the bed and said that his back was killing him. Howard told him that he fell off the bed. Artie just said ''Huh... I can't hear him...'' Howard told him that he fell off the bed so Artie asked when that happened. He said it was a couple of years ago so Artie asked if his contract was up.
Howard had the guys help Artie get up because he was really out of it. Artie didn't think that he had been out for that long. Howard told him that he was sore from falling out of that bed he was in. Artie said that he was a little disoriented. The guys had to hold him up. Howard said he's really worried about him because he fell off the bed.
Howard said he had tape to show him so he told him to go back to his seat. He wanted a coffee so Howard told the guys to get him something. He then played Artie some of the audio and the video of him falling out of the bed. Artie got a few laughs out of that. He said that he loves that it was during Jon Hein's thing that he rolled out of the bed. Howard said that he didn't even wake up after that. Artie said that he's a good sleeper. Fred said that he was out for about an hour and 10 minutes.
Howard said that he'd like to get a Hawaiian Punch too. He was still groggy and barely able to speak. He told Artie that he can't do shows anymore during the week. Artie said he's not going to. Jason came in with a coffee and said they sent an intern out to Starbucks to get him a Macchiato. they'd get him the Hawaiian Punch soon too. Artie started eating within a few seconds. His sandwich had shown up while he was sleeping.
Robin got back to her news and had Howard play some clips from American Idol. She also talked about Adam Carolla getting voted off Dancing with the Stars. Artie mentioned that he saw Adam on Kimmel's show last night. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he just passed out like a diabetic and that's why he was looking for the sweets. That led to Howard talking about how Artie must have been up late if he saw Kimmel because that doesn't start until midnight.
Artie said that he stayed up for a little while last night. He got a pizza and had about 6 slices. He said he had to get it from Dominos because Uptown Pizza was closed. He said he had to eat it with meatballs on it. Howard said that Dominic was blown away by all of this and that guy actually ate through his stomach band.
Howard told Artie about how Richard and Sal were going to stick their asses and cocks in his face. He said that he threw them out before they got the chance. Richard said that they heard Howard ask if anyone wanted to do that so they ran in. Howard said that it was just a joke.
The guys talked about how they were going to roll Artie down to the gay channel. Artie said he would have been fine with that because he likes the gay people. Howard asked Artie if he caught a whiff of ass when Richard came in with his cock out. Artie said he was sleeping and didn't smell anything.
Robin got back to her news and read some news about the Iraq war and what the Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain had to say about it. They spent a few minutes talking about that stuff. Howard said he started to watch it last night but then tuned into The Bachelor instead. He said that Lorenzo Llamas' daughter is on that show and she's really cute. He said he gets the feeling that he might not even know his daughter.
Artie's food and drinks were showing up so Howard interrupted to talk to him again. Artie had a mouth full of food the whole time he was talking to Howard.
Robin got back to her news and talked more about the Iraq war. Howard said that he saw some tape of Dick Cheney talking about how there was no way to get Saddam out of power and how it was going to be a mess over there if they did that. That was back when he was working for the first President George Bush. He said he must have forgotten about that and decided to go in and try it anyway.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked why they keep reinforcing all of the negative stuff that Artie does. She said that it just makes him do it even more. Howard said that Artie is a grown man and he chooses to do what he wants to do. Howard asked her how she knows what Artie thinks. The woman said that she's a psychotherapist and that's why she's saying this stuff. Howard said he'd shut up then.
Artie asked the woman if he had a lawsuit based on what she was saying. Howard told him to go ahead and sue. He asked the woman what he's supposed to do about it then. She said that they should ignore his behavior. Howard said he can't ignore it when the guy is sitting next to him for 5 hours a day.
Robin said that she was reading about Chris Farley and how people are being blamed for not getting him help before he died. She said that David Spade said that people like that just blow you off when they're doing the stuff they're doing.
Howard asked Artie if he's as bad as Farley. Artie said that he's not. He said that Farley was doing cocaine and stuff and he's not doing that. He's just eating a lot. He claims that he wouldn't be able to work if he was out of control like Farley was.
The woman on the phone was going off on Artie for replacing one negative thing with another. Howard said she was really annoying with that ''mother-like voice'' of hers. He asked her where she went to school and asked if she was a psychologist. She said that she is a therapist. Howard asked her a bunch of questions about how much she charges for her services and stuff like that as well.
Artie said that the chick sounded hot to him. She said that she's going to be at his show that he's doing on May 8th. He said that he'd like to see her. She said that she's been told she looks like a blonde version of Sandra Bullock or Nicole Brown Simpson. She said her friends are hot too. She said she'll wear something hot for the show. Howard asked her what her dress size is a 5. Howard said that sounds pretty good to him. She's 5'7'' tall. She said that she's not fully shaved.
Artie didn't even know he was doing this appearance that she was talking about. Artie said that he'd look for her in the crowd. Howard let her go a short time later. Artie talked about his buddy Joe Matarese marrying a therapist and how he got a full hour of new material from that relationship.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. She read through a few more stories. She had one about the soldier who was honored after throwing himself on a grenade to save the rest of the troops. Howard said that guy is amazing because he could never do something like that himself. He said that he saw Bush with tears in his eyes for giving the guy a medal of honor. Howard said that they really have to get the troops out of that country. Howard said that if there was a grenade in the studio, he'd probably take Benjy and throw him on it.
Robin played some of President Bush's speech about the guy who threw himself on the grenade. Howard said it was chilling and really horrible to hear that story. The guy saved two lives by doing that though. That led to Artie talking about going over to entertain the troops and how he just found out he has to have a physical before he goes. He said that probably means that he won't be going over to entertain the troops. That led to Fred playing his snore clip. Artie asked if that was really him. they assured him it was so Artie let out a ''Holy shit!''
Robin read through some more stories about things like Naomi Campbell being banned from flying with British Airways. She won't be allowed to fly with them anymore. Artie said he read that she's 37 years old and that means that she's going to be hitting the wall soon. That's not going to be pretty.
Robin read a story about John Ashcroft screwing up and confusing the name Osama with Obama during a speech. She had some audio of that mistake.
Gary came in and said that JD pulled a clip of a guy introducing John McCain and screwing up Osama's name as well. Howard said that they had just played that one a few minutes ago. Fred played some Baba Booey song parodies after he left. Howard joked that Gary was going to ask if he was ready for Joan Rivers next.
Robin talked about the Olympic torch run that's going on. Howard said that he hates the Olympics. He said that he really doesn't give a shit about that. He was still goofing on Gary about the little screw up he'd had a few minutes before.
Gary asked Howard if he wanted perfection from him. He said that Jason came to him and asked if he could take some time off to go protest the war by sleeping on the White House lawn. Howard said that the answer to that should have been no. Gary said that he did say no.
Jason said that he couldn't sleep last night and this war is never going to end. He said that they keep saying that they're staying over there in an open ended war over there. He said that he'd pull the troops out of there if he were President. He said that they have to either pull out or declare World War III, there shouldn't be a middle ground.
Howard told Jason that Artie falling asleep on the show was his war protest. That led to Howard saying that he needed to see him falling off that bed again. The Howard TV guys showed it again.
Robin got back to her news and read a couple more stories. She had one about Patrick Swayze saying that he thinks that the prayers from the fans have been helping him out with his cancer battle. She wrapped up her news with that one. Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
Jon moved on and ran down his list of subjects for today's show and started the guys off talking about Artie's nap. Jon said that Artie was going to stop by. Artie came in a few seconds later.
Gary said that Artie seemed to be irritated by Howard pushing him into the nap thing. He asked him if he felt weird about it. Artie said that they did it once already so he figured he'd be okay to do it again since he didn't get fired the last time. He said that he's slept at every job he's ever had. He said that he used to sleep at the shipyard he worked at as a longshoreman. He said that he was just as funny there.
Gary said that he seemed kind of irritated by the whole thing. Artie said that he's beyond being made a mockery of. He said that he probably didn't get to sleep until about 3 in the morning last night. He gets up around 5:30 in the morning so he didn't get much sleep. Artie said that he usually calls in and pretends that he's sick when he stays up that late.
Will said that he thinks that Artie was asleep in about 3 minutes after laying down. Artie said that he got comfortable and fell right to sleep.
Artie said that he once got half an Ambien from Gary on a flight they took together and that's like hitting an elephant with a blow dart. It doesn't do much for him. Meanwhile Gary slept through the whole flight. They talked about that trip and how much fun they had that time.
Jon said that Artie was moving a lot while he slept. Artie said that's physical comedy. He said that he was sore after he fell out of bed but his back always hurts after he wakes up. He said that's because he's so out of shape.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Howard was pissed off that he slept. Gary told Artie about what Howard was saying about how he wanted to get him help but he doesn't seem to know what to do now. He's tried to give him help in the past but he doesn't take it seriously.
Artie said that the problem with the show is that these things that are good for the air will continue and this will probably lead to his early death. He said that he thinks that Howard probably should put his foot down but he won't react well to authority.
Artie said that he knew when he took this gig that it was going to be a problem. He said that they usually do shows on Thursday nights so they don't have to worry about this again.
Jon played some of the show where Howard was distracted by Artie's snoring. Fred was pointing out his lips blowing apart while he slept. Artie got a few laughs from that clip. Artie said that it sounded like when Fred Flintstone sleeps and blows his covers off.
Will said that he was having a tough time keeping the microphone on him. Artie apologized for that. He said that they could have tried to stop him from falling off the bed instead of just watching him fall off the bed. He said that they could have done something.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if it pisses everyone off that Artie is sleeping during the show while they're all working just because he's tired from working the night before. Gary said that there is one thing that pisses him off about Artie. He said that he gets e-mail from friends who wonder if Artie thinks that they really care about him. He said that some people think that they're the worlds biggest enablers because they don't get him help.
Gary said that he got an email from a friend today where the guy told him that they have to do something because things are getting so bad. He said that Artie is a big boy and he can't tell him what to do. He asked Artie if he thinks that they should be doing something for him. Artie said that he should be talking to his friend about that.
Benjy asked Artie if he was in the opposite situation and knew someone going through what he was going through, would he do anything. Artie didn't think that he was going through anything so, no, he doesn't think they should do anything.
Another caller said that he thinks this is pathetic that he slept while everyone else has to go out and work. They can't all sleep like that. Artie told him that he doesn't have as great a job as he does then. The caller also thought that it was boring. Gary said he thinks that he's in the minority there. All of the guys there thought it was entertaining and that's what he's there for.
Benjy said he was pissed that he learned that Riley was getting $400 per show. That's probably more than Benjy is making. Will said that it probably is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they really need to do something for Artie. Gary said that this is the kind of stuff he hears all the time.
Jon took a couple more calls and some guys went off on Artie about the sleeping thing and about the Amsterdam trip too. One guy said he was dying when he heard Artie asking for his Macchiato after he woke up.
Jason came in and said he knows why Artie doesn't want to hang with him and smoke weed. He said that he completely understands all of that stuff. He knows he's not going got be a dick. He said that he wants to go out and sight see too so he hopes he'll be able to see Artie more than just one night over there.
Gary asked who's going on the trip. Jason ran down a list of the people who were going and most of them are people that Artie won't be hanging out with. Jason said that some of his family are going and a bunch of people from SIRIUS will be there too. That all led to Artie talking about how he screwed up and thought that one of the guys who will be on the trip was someone else.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about that trip and what they're going to be doing over there. It's Jason's bachelor party. Jason said that he wants to take a boat trip around the canals over there. He said he knows that sounds gay but he really wants to do that. Gary said that it's worth it. He said that everyone rides their bicycle over there too. He said that you'll even see 60 year old grandmothers riding bikes around there.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that it would be great if Artie could do commentary while he was sleeping. Artie said he's sorry that he can't do all of that at once. He asked her to shove a broom up his ass so he could sweep too.
Artie mentioned that Rosie Perez had just walked by the studio there. They spent a few seconds talking about her. Artie was goofing on her saying that she was looking like a man.
The guys talked about Sal and Richard going into the studio while Artie was sleeping. They talked about how Artie would have killed the two of them if he had woken up while their dicks and asses were out. Artie said that he probably would just take a swing at them. He said he could never forgive them if they did that. He said that he hasn't forgiven his cousin for saying he likes the band 98 Degrees and hasn't spoken to him in about 10 years.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Artie to just do what he's got to do and not worry about anyone. He said that he's just like Artie and goes through two shirts a day some days. He told him to keep it up. Another caller asked Artie if he's going to trip on shrooms over there in Amsterdam. Artie said that he tried them one time and they were great but then he tried them again at another time and they really fucked him up. He said that he didn't like them that time. He said that he was going to try and fly out of Shea Stadium when he was there. He wanted to jump. He said his buddy had to restrain him so he wouldn't jump.
The caller asked the guys if they have ever tripped on shrooms. Jason said that he has and he had a great time on them. He said that you can't do them all the time though.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about different drugs and Gary said that the best advice he ever got from Dave Grohl was not to try the space cakes over there in Amsterdam. Jason said he heard that they still put coke in the Coke over there too.
A caller asked Artie what things would be like for him if he was at his ideal weight with all of the money he has and a 4 day work week. He said that he has the world at his feet and doesn't even realize it. Artie said that he wouldn't have the money he has if he only worked 4 days a week. He has to travel around the country doing comedy shows to make the kind of money he's making. He said that the stand-up comedy thing makes him eat shitty food and that's why he's so out of shape.
Jon took some more calls and let some more people talk to Artie about the sleeping and Amsterdam stuff. Jason said that this bachelor party is basically a way just to get to go to Amsterdam. Jim McClure said that there are bets going in the back saying that Artie might just send money over to pay for dinner for Jason and his buddies. They're also taking bets from people about how many minutes they'll actually see Artie while they're out there.
Teddy is going to be flying with Artie on the same flight. He said that Artie will actually make him bring his bag to First class and then he'll tell the people there ''Don't worry everyone, he'll be leaving soon.''
The guys talked about the possibility of Artie dying on the trip over there. Some people think that might happen.
The guys were also talking about the hookers over there in Amsterdam. Jason was saying that he was checking out a web site where you can order an escort, any kind of woman you want, for like $200 for two hours. He said he investigated everything about that stuff and he knows that Artie will be able to get the kind of chick he's looking for over there.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Artie about Teddy working for him and Artie said he basically just feels bad for him at this point so he keeps him employed. He said that Teddy is a good nutritionist though. The guy was trying to get a job as his nutritionist but Teddy said that if he sends in his resume, he'll blend it up into one of Artie's fruit drinks. Artie had to get going so Jon went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary about the stuff that he was saying about Artie earlier and how angry Artie was getting about it. Gary said that he wasn't trying to lay it on Artie but he seemed to be taking it that way. Jason said that he did kind of pin it on him.
Benjy was saying that he thinks that he might push for a really close friend to get help when he might not push for Artie. Gary said that the guy doesn't think he needs help so he's not sure he can help. He said that Artie has to want help. Benjy said that if he was a really close personal friend, then they could push him a little more. Gary said he's not sure what he could do to help even if he did want help.
Jason said that while Artie is there, and they keep laughing at this stuff, they are enabling him to keep doing it. He said that it is funny, entertaining and interesting but it's still being allowed to go on.
Jon said that Artie would probably say ''fuck you'' to Howard if he told him he can't sleep on the show anymore. Jason said that they make a mockery of it and have fun but they're not really doing anything wrong there but they are enabling him.
Gary asked Jason what they should do then. Jason said that if they were worried about Artie's health being really bad, they could say something to him. He said that they're kind of normalizing what he's doing and letting it all go on. The guys asked Jason what it is that they're letting him do. Jason said that they're turning all of these faults into entertainment. He said that the show shouldn't do anything to change Artie or what they're doing.
Gary said that they can't take away the environment from Artie because he's still functioning. Jason asked if he really is functioning because he's falling asleep on the show. Gary said that Howard could have kept him awake if he wanted to. He let him go to sleep.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Joan about her friendship with Prince Charles. Jon asked Gary if he knew that she was so tight with British Royalty. Gary said he had no idea.
A phone caller asked the guys who would fuck Joan Rivers. Benjy said that he would. He said that he thinks she's got an attractive face and he would do her. Gary said that he probably wouldn't even if he was single. He said he would do Chelsea Clinton if he was single and maybe Joan. Jon said he wouldn't do her. Jason said that he's not sure what her body looks like at this point. That's a 75 year old wrinkled old body under there. Teddy said that he'd have to sleep with her. He said that she probably went through menopause 20 years ago. The caller said he'd probably have to do her too.
Another caller said that he was surprised that Sal and Richard didn't come up with a song parody to the tune of ''On the Road Again'' after hearing that George Takei clip today. The caller also asked where the Baba Booey thing came from. Gary quickly explained it and said that he didn't think that it was going to stick. IT's still with him 20 years later.
The caller said that he thinks that they need to define Gary's job and maybe give him some responsibility of being in charge of Artie. Gary said that it's sometimes yes and sometimes no to him being in charge of some of the people on the show. He doesn't have the ability to fire someone.
The guy said that they have to tell Artie that he has to be ready to come to work or not come to work. The guy asked if they're proud of the show they did today. Gary said yes to that. The caller said that he feels that they're taking this whole Artie thing too far and it has to be handled.
Gary asked the guy who the fuck he thinks he is and why he thinks that they have to do something. the guy said that this isn't going to be funny if the guy dies. Gary said that Artie isn't bothered by it so he shouldn't be either. The caller thinks that he was bothered by it. Jon said that they just heard from Artie that he's not worried about it. That doesn't mean they're not concerned for Artie.
The caller continued to say that they have to make Artie come in prepared for work but they weren't sure what that means. The guy said that he has to be able to sit up and stay awake for the show. Jon said that he has to come in and be funny and that's what he does.
Gary said that this guy has made a determination about the way they should run the show but he's got nothing to do with that. They don't run the show the way this guy thinks they're supposed to run it. Jason said that he thinks that this guy is saying that maybe they need to make Artie realize that he's not ready to do the show. He kind of got the guy's explanation and explained it in a different way than the caller.
The caller kept saying that Artie wasn't prepared for work today and he should have been sent home. Gary said that it's not up to him to decide that though. Gary ended up picking the guy apart and saying that he's probably never sold a thing in his writing career. He said that if he hasn't sold anything by his age, it's probably not going to get any better for him. The caller kept telling Gary that he's not part of the ''Fab Five'' and he's really not in that group. Gary said that he doesn't care about that, he didn't make up that list anyway. It was something that Sal came up with.
The caller thinks that this went too far and got too personal. He apologized for that and Jon had to end the show a short time later. Gary was still going off on that guy and wished him luck with his writing career and the Pirates since the guy was from Pittsburgh. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started the show off saying that his headphones were out on one side. He said that he was going to be in a bad mood today because he couldn't sleep last night. Scott came in and tried to fix his headphones but it wasn't working. He said he could go home but then said that he'll just deal with the one sided headphones because he's a professional.
The guys ended up talking about what they would do if they went down in an airplane. Artie said that if they were in that situation and they had to resort to cannibalism, they could eat him for months.
Howard said he was watching American Idol Gives Back last night and that's not the kind of show he likes. He said it was ''so awful.'' He's not sure how anyone can watch that show in real time because it's like the Jerry Lewis telethon. He said that he fast forwards through most of the awful performances that he can by waiting a half hour while his TiVo records the show.
Howard said that American idol has balls asking him for money when they're raking in hundreds of millions of dollars. He said that they get great ratings and have a huge hit show and they're asking their fans for money. They're really not giving anything back, they're just getting people to raise money and looking like the good guys.
Howard said he thought the show was for African kids but then Brad Pitt was on down in New Orleans raising money for people down there. He said he's sick of this country being so schmaltzy. We're at war right now and these shows are just so schmaltzy. Artie said that he's endorsing them because he watches them all the time. Artie said he probably inspires a lot of people to watch it too.
Howard said he does not endorse the show but he does like watching it. He said that it was really pathetic to see Robin Williams on the show. He said that he really likes Robin Williams even if the guy hates him. He said that he had him on the show one time and he made the mistake of saying that he married his babysitter. He said that he learned that he's a humorless guy and he stunk when he came in too. He said he had a body odor that almost knocked Jackie out.
Howard said that Billy Crystal also came out and he's a big fan of his as well. He said that he respects his talent but some of the stuff he does is just bizarre. He said that he's done some amazing performances over the years but then he came out and did this performance on the American Idol show and he was reading off of cue cards introducing Miley Cyrus. He said it was like the awful award show things they do where the people pretend not to know each other. He talked about how lame it was and how they seem to think that the audience is stupid.
Howard said that Miley Cyrus is so sexualized that it's beyond comprehension. He said that she's only 15 and her father should cover her up and take her home so they can rescue her from show business.
Howard talked about how he can't watch video of African's foaming at the mouth from malaria. Robin said she saw Alicia Keys down there with those giant gold earrings. Howard said that she was actually in New Orleans, not in Africa.
Jim Florentine is going to be the host of the show but Howard accidentally called him Jimmy Kimmel. That got them back on American Idol when Howard said that Kimmel was really good on American Idol.
Howard said that the trophy is great and the girls won't even be able to raise it up because it's so big. Howard told Scott he wants him to just stick to doing color commentary on the show. He said he doesn't want him getting sexual with the show or anything like that. Scott promised that he wouldn't do that at all.
Howard said that he show is going to be called Bowling Beauties. He said that they have a woman on the trophy and they also have an engraving that says Howard TV's Bowling Beauties Champion 2008. Scott put it on the scale and it weighed in at 12 pounds.
Howard said that some of the girls are actually getting a coach to help them out with the bowling. He said they're taking it very seriously.
Artie talked about how crappy the trophy's can be. He said that when he was like 12 it was the coolest thing in the world but now he sees just how shitty they are. Howard said that he's only won one trophy in his life. He said that he was about 6 or so when he wrote a paper about fire prevention and he got a trophy for it. He said that the trophy fell apart after a few years. Robin said her brother used to get that kind of stuff and his would fall apart too.
Howard said that he could have had a career in writing about fire prevention. Artie said that he watched a history channel show about the big Chicago fire and asked Howard if he knew the year. Howard said he knew nothing about that fire and has no idea. He said that his whole life has been trying to get out of knowing any actual facts so he'd write stuff as if he were the flame in a fire.
Howard said that he liked the performance that Fergie did last night. He said that he thought she was a horrible singer but he saw her last night and thought she sounded real good. He said he had to admit that he was wrong about her being a bad singer.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Beth hangs around the house topless and maybe cooked topless. Howard said that it's dangerous to cook topless and Beth really isn't one of those people. He said that she's very demure around him and won't even show him her ass if he asks to see it. She will tell him ''no way'' if he asks to see hers. He said he needs to see her ass but she'll just get into bed and not show it.
Howard said he figured that Beth would walk around naked but he dated someone who did that and it would get kind of boring seeing that all the time. He said that it's actually amazing that Beth has been able to get him to stop thinking about other pussy. He said that's a major compliment to her.
The caller said that he would like to ''beast it'' and bang that pussy really hard. Howard had no idea what that meant when he said it so he needed an explanation. The caller also wanted to hear the ''Black Tits'' song parody before he got off the phone. Howard said that it was a little early for that but he had Fred play it anyway. The caller wanted to play a game with them but it was too complicated so they just played the song parody.
The guy also requested another song parody that they were playing earlier in the week. It was a Peter Frampton song parody about Robin's boobs. Howard said he got all emotional when he heard Sal singing that one. He said he really has a lot of talent. The caller asked for a $500 prize but Howard wasn't going to give it to him. The guy begged a little more so he gave it to him just to get rid of the guy.
Howard said that guy was jumping from topic to topic and he didn't even let him answer a question. He said he paid him just to be quiet.
Artie said he went to bed at about 12:30 yesterday afternoon and only got up once at 8 to pee. Then he didn't get up until 5:30 this morning. Howard said that was the opposite of the night he had. He wasn't able to sleep at all.
Artie joked that he was awake the whole time and that was the best part of that. The Howard TV guys replayed him falling off the bed and had the guys laughing at that again. Artie said he loved that he interrupted Jon Hein's Wrap Up Show preview. He said that he got so mad at Jon that he told him he could have stopped his ''nerdy promo'' while he was falling off the bed.
Howard said that he doesn't think that Artie is going to make it to Amsterdam. Artie said that he's leaving in about 10 hours or so and he's looking forward to it. He said he's going to have fun, maybe not as much fun as a Girls Night Out meeting though.
Howard told Artie that the flight over to Amsterdam is about 7.5 hours. Artie said he'll be fine with that. He's been on 6.5 hour flights to California. Howard said that he's been to Hawaii before but he stopped by and said hello to Carmen Electra before going so that made it all worth the layover.
The guys talked about hot chicks and how they just know how to dress right. Artie was saying that hot chicks just know how to accessorize. He talked about a bartender that worked in a place near him in Hoboken who once wore high heel shoes with little flowers on them and they were so hot. He said that it's like she knew that she was going to drive guys crazy with that shit.
Artie said that he had to take Dana out to buy shoes one time and a gay guy was helping her out. He just wanted to get the hell out of there but the guy spent an hour with her and she picked out two pair. He just told her to buy both pair at $800 each just so he could get out of there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that yesterday's show was radio genius. Artie said that he planned all of that out and knew just when to eat his cupcake. Howard told the guy to check it out on TV because it's really funny.
Howard played another clip where another guy reports on that other interview and goofs on Howard K for thinking that he's more popular than Howard Stern the radio guy. Howard said that Howard K Stern is such a douche. He said that he's out there keeping the whole Anna Nicole thing going. He said that he's not sure who is creepier, that Larry Birkhead guy or Howard K. Stern.
The guys talked about Anna Nicole's kid and how she has googly eyes. Robin said that it's kind of funny that she does. They actually make her wear an eye patch to cover it up. They were talking about how creepy Larry Birkhead was. Artie said told Robin to ask him if he'd rather have a gay kid or a kid like Larry Birkhead. She asked him and he said he'd rather have a Larry Birkhead... but he's still a creepy guy.
Howard said he's really sick of being mentioned with that Howard K. Stern guy. He worked to build his name and this Howard K. came in and ruined it. He said he should sue him for something.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he can't wait to see the Artie sleeping episode tomorrow night. Howard said that it will be a great show. Artie said that he'd be willing to go out and sleep live on stage. the caller said that he's pay to watch that. Howard said he'd pay to watch it too.
The caller asked Artie if he thinks that his OCD is getting to him and wearing him out to the point that he sleeps during the show. Artie said that the stress of doing a show is the same type of tiring you get from OCD. He said that it's mental exhaustion to him. He said that all of that stuff adds up.
Howard said he wanted to read some e-mail about yesterday's show. The first one was from a woman who said that she found Howard very sexy. He read a few more where people complimented him about some of the stuff they were doing on the show yesterday. Some people wanted more impressions from him.
Howard said that someone liked the Ted Kennedy impression where he was drowning his mother. He went back into the impression of his mother and had some fun with that for a few minutes. He did his Kennedy impression a little bit as well. Robin asked some questions and had Kennedy talking about Howard's mother's pussy hair and stuff like that. She also had Howard's mother talking about what her first time was like with Howard's father. Howard, as his mother, told Robin she wasn't being funny and told her she was going to go now because this wasn't funny.
Howard read the mail about his impressions and someone asked him not to leave radio in 2 years. Howard said that it was 3 but it's actually about 2 and a half or so. Howard asked Artie what he's going to do if he retires. Artie said that he's not sure but he'd probably have to go out on the road and do comedy. Howard asked him if he would continue to do 2 shows a week if SIRIUS asked them to do that. Artie said that he really doesn't know at this point.
Artie said that he's not sure what he could do on TV but he'd like to get on a sitcom or something. He said that TV has changed a lot since he was on The Norm Show. He said that he knows that Spade can get on those shows but he's not sure he could do the kind of shows he does. He said that if he had nothing else going on he'd probably do them.
Howard asked Artie, Fred and Robin if they would do a show without him. Artie said they can't do that, they'd be compared to this show. Howard asked Robin if she would do her own show where she didn't have to work with anyone else. Robin said that she might do it but she doesn't want to work in the morning.
Howard suggested that Robin do a show with her Girls Night Out friends. Robin said that she doesn't want to do that. She said she just wouldn't want to do it.
Artie said that if they did an afternoon show he'd sign up for another 100 years. Howard said that maybe they could do afternoons. He asked the audience if they would have a problem with them doing that. He said that the audience might give them a hard time about it. He said that they could probably do it since they replay the show all the time. Robin said that they'd probably complain for a short time and then get over it.
Howard said that the audience demands a morning show and that's what they have to give them. He said he thinks that's what they want.
Jason came in and said that they talked about Howard doing an afternoon show and they were fine with it because they want to hear him and want him to stay there. Howard said he thinks that there's something to that morning drive time. He said that he thinks that they need a big national morning show on satellite radio and that's what they do. Artie said that there probably wouldn't be as much of him sleeping if they did an afternoon show.
Howard read some more mail and had some about Sal. One guy thought Sal's new song parody was great even thought he's not that funny usually. Howard read some more about Artie's sleeping and how great that was. Some people wondered how he keeps his job after doing something like that. He read through a bunch of those and people were saying that the show was the greatest ever yesterday. Someone said that Joan Rivers had more energy at the age of 74 than Artie does at 40.
Howard read some mail about Joan Rivers' appearance yesterday. Some people enjoyed that. Artie said that he had a strange thing happen with Joan yesterday. He said he usually stays quiet when she's in there because he doesn't want to bother her with his comments. He does the same with William Shatner because he doesn't seem to care about anyone but Robin and Howard. Artie said that Joan is kind of like that with him too.
Artie said that the last time she was on he brought up that friend of his that worked with her off the air. He said that he brought her up yesterday and it kind of sounded like maybe they had a falling out or something. He said she was kind of joking about this Patty Foster chick that he knew and he wasn't sure what was going on there. They spent a minute on that and then Howard said he had to go to break. He ended up talking about Jason Reitman for a few minutes before they did that.
Howard said he kind of likes Kevin Federline but not in this Madonna song. He said he wouldn't even know how to dance to the song if he heard it. He said he'd just stand there and watch the girls dance. Robin wanted to see him dance so Howard got up and demonstrated what he'd do. Robin asked him what he would do if he actually heard the music and danced in time to it. She told him that was some dance he was doing.
Howard anted to see Artie dance so Artie got up and did some moves. Howard said that Artie is actually good. Robin said that he was making a face and Howard said that it looked like the face he makes when he shits.
Gary said that he's been told that JD can actually dance. JD came in and said that he doesn't dance. He doesn't know what they're talking about. JD told Howard he didn't know what they were talking about and he doesn't know what to do. He did a few moves but the guys started throwing shit at him. Howard told JD he wasn't all that bad. Howard tried doing some of his moves and JD told him to just do that all night.
JD showed him what he does when he goes out to clubs. He was staying with the beat and not being spastic according to Robin. Howard said he felt like a little nerd dancing like that. He did some more of his moves and said that's what Beth sees. He had the guys laughing at him as he was doing his moves.
Howard told JD that he was pretty coordinated. Artie said that Howard would still get the pussy if he went out to the same club. Howard reminded everyone that even Ryan Phillippe wasn't able to get JD laid. Artie said he got a text from Ryan saying that this JD stuff was hilarious.
Howard did his JD impression and goofed on him a little bit about hanging out with Ryan and not getting laid. He said that the club was near closing time when he went over there.
Howard heard that Jason is the worst dancer there so he had him come in. Jason said that people do make fun of him dancing. Howard had him do some of his moves. He told him to do the real moves when he started. Jason said that he was doing his real moves. Howard thanked him for that and then had JD do some moves for Robin so she could judge all of them. Howard said he was going to do his stuff next. JD did his moves for a few seconds and then Gary asked if Robin could be part of the competition. Robin didn't want to dance, she just wanted to judge.
Howard wanted Gary to dance so he came in and did a few moves. Artie said Gary dances just like any guy at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Fred said he doesn't dance so he wasn't going to do it. He said that he's not a dancer and he's not dancing, he hates it.
Howard had Artie dance instead of Fred. Artie took off his jacket and did some of his moves. Howard said that he was actually great. Artie was moving even though the music had stopped. He was winded a few seconds later. He tried to request a song but he sounded like he'd just run a mile.
Artie requested ''It Takes Two'' by Rob Base. Howard asked Artie if he was going to be okay at that. Artie said he'd be fine. He danced a little more and Howard told him he was actually good. Robin said he wasn't that bad. Artie got the most time to dance out of the rest of the guys. Gary thought they were high saying that he was good. Howard told Artie to sit down because he was so out of breath. He had to make a stop at the couch before going to his chair.
Scott the Engineer came in and showed off some of his moves. He said that he used to do that stuff when he was a DJ. He wasn't too bad. Howard said that he was up next and went over and showed off some of his dance moves.
Howard anted to see Ronnie the Limo Driver dance. He came in a few seconds later and Artie said he looked like he'd just stolen some apples with his buddies on the Lower East side or something. Howard thought he was pretty good. Artie said he felt like he was about to die.
Artie wanted to see Benjy dance but Howard said he didn't want to see that. Robin said that she thinks that JD had the coolest moves of all of them. She thought that Howard was locked up too much and wasn't moving around enough. Artie was number 2 in the dance contest. Howard told JD that he's got to come back and show him some moves later on.
Howard wanted to see Lisa G dance too so he called her into the studio. He wanted Ronnie to dance with her but Lisa wanted to dance with Artie. Lisa said that the way a man dances in the way he moves in bed. Howard said that Artie would be winded in bed then. Lisa and Artie danced a little bit and she was rubbing into his penis. Howard said she can really move.
Howard said that Lisa can really move and he's impressed. Lisa wanted Robin to come out and dance but Robin said she's with Fred and doesn't dance. Howard said that Lisa's move was very sensuous. Lisa said she used to take lessons. She said that dancing is the best way to work out.
Lisa said that Artie wasn't rubbing his penis on her because his belly was in the way. Howard was watching the replay of the dance and he said that Artie was lifting her shirt up. Artie said that he looks like a hippopotamus in that video.
Artie said that Lisa wants him and she's really sexy. He felt her stomach and he's probably finish in a second with her. He said that she's kind of like Dana with her body. He said that Dana will look like her in about 40 years. Lisa goofed on his weight a little bit.
A caller told Howard that when Artie was dancing his radio fell out of the docking station. He had some fun goofing on that for a minute.
Lisa also spoke to Jillian Barberie about what Howard was saying about her. Howard claims that she wanted to have sex with him but she says that she didn't say it the way Howard described it. Lisa said that Jillian claims that she didn't tell him that she wanted to have him right then. Lisa said that she talked to Jillian about how big of a fan of the show she is and how she listens to nothing but Howard's show all day.
Lisa said that she spoke to actor Jesse Bradford who hung out with JD with Ryan Phillippe. She said that he told her about how much more articulate JD is in person. He also said that they were deflecting women off to JD but that didn't seem to help. He's also part owner of the club Plumb there in the city and he will bring JD there when he's in town next.
Howard talked to Lisa about her dancing some more and tried to find out where she dances and stuff. She said that she doesn't really go out dancing but she'll dance at weddings and stuff like that. She was telling Howard about some of the dance music she likes to hear.
Artie told Lisa that they should go out sometime and dance. He said that they'll have to go Dutch though. Howard let Lisa go after that.
The guys at JFSC.tv were having some fun putting some graphics on his face. They had the martian brain on him and some other things like Johnny's hair and a moustache. Fred threw in the ''Ack, Ack'' sound clip from Mars Attacks. Howard said he had to hang up on Eric because he wasn't saying anything today. Artie said he was being extra boring today.
Howard played the first song and Gary was singing ''No, no, no... ooo, ooo, ooo.'' The guys said that it could be that song ''Rehab'' or something. Bobo went with that one. It wasn't that song though. It was nothing even close to Rehab.
Howard played the second song and that one was supposed to be easier. It was Crazy Train and everyone knew what it was when they heard ''All Aboard!'' Bobo got it right so he won the $500 that Howard was giving away.
Eric the Midget called back in and said that he didn't like being hung up on. Howard told him he was being boring. Eric said he was trying to do a couple of things at the same time. He wanted to tell Robin how much he's raised for her charity. He said that it's already up to $3,000. Howard thanked him for that and hung up on him again.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to play this game. He played the next song for the guy and Robin got it within a few seconds. Howard said he didn't even know what it was. He replayed it but still couldn't figure it out. Robin said that it was a Led Zeppelin song. It turned out to be a Beatles song. The caller got it wrong.
Howard played the next song and the guys figured that he'd be able to get it. Howard gave it to the guy after giving him some clues. It was a Johnny Cash song that Gary was singing. Howard gave the guy the $500 prize since he just had to get one right. Howard played the final song that Gary sang and wrapped up with that.
Howard said that the show that George Takei was on the other night came in dead last in the ratings that night. Artie asked him if he could have predicted that it was going to be that bad. Howard said that he could have predicted it because of the level of stars they had on there. He said that people like to see people who can't dance so that's why they love Dancing with the Stars. He said he knew that people would like that one.
Howard and the guys talked about those reality shows and what it is that makes people watch them. Howard thinks that he has his finger on the pulse of what people like and explained it all to the guys. He said that it's great to sit there in judgment of others and that's what people love about them.
Howard said that one of the listeners Photoshopped a movie poster of Artie as Sleeping Beauty and called it ''Sleeping Artie'' with a picture of George Takei about to kiss him as Prince Charming. Howard told Artie he should have that hanging above his bed. Artie said that he looks horrible in that picture. Howard said he had to take a break a short time later.
Howard heard that Artie was yelling at Teddy out in the hall. Artie said that they're going on this trip today and Teddy needs his passport. He said that he needed to write down some information for this Amsterdam trip and the USO trip. He said that he handed him the Passport and sent off the information. He figured that he'd keep that information on him so he can use it when he needs it. Howard said that's what he would do if he were his assistant. He'd make photocopies of it so he never had to ask him for it again.
Artie said that Artie also keeps his credit card number so he can use that. He said that he keeps that on record but Teddy didn't keep the passport info. Teddy came in and tried to defend himself. Artie said that he said he was going to book him into his flight today but he needed his passport info again.
Artie ended up yelling at Teddy for not listening. He wanted to finish what he was saying and then he'd let him talk. Artie said he told Teddy that he should have kept that passport information on him and he shouldn't keep asking him for it. He said that Teddy shot back at him with a snotty comment and argued with him instead of just doing what he asked him to do.
Artie said that Teddy was acting like a faggot around him and he thinks that he hired a fag. Artie said that he sent him out to Bloomingdale's to buy him something and he came back and told him that he had gone to ''Bloomies'' and that pissed him off too.
Gary said that Teddy copied Artie's passport and he left it in the copy machine. Someone else at the company found it and didn't know where it came from. Gary said that Teddy is always shooting comments back at Artie and arguing with Artie so that pisses him off even more.
Teddy said that he went online to see if he could check Artie into his flight today and found out that he could do it. He asked him for the passport and he went ballistic on him. Teddy said he's got a lot of stuff going on at work and he forgets stuff once in a while.
Howard said that when Artie first hired Teddy he hired him to just get him coffee and stuff. Now things are getting more complicated and he's getting overwhelmed. Teddy said that he had to go after that. Howard told him not to go anywhere.
Artie said that Teddy has major money problems and he has to keep him employed. Artie said that he keeps threatening to quit but he can't because he needs the money. He said that he's loaned him thousands of dollars on top of his salary and he knows he'll never see that back. He said that he's always asking for a raise and stuff like that too.
Artie asked Teddy when he's going to get his $5,000 back that he loaned him. Howard told Teddy that if he was him he wouldn't pay him back. He's not going to do anything about it. Howard asked Teddy why he's going to Amsterdam if he has all of these money problems. He said that he got a lot of frequent flyer miles so he used them for this trip.
Artie said that he pays Teddy about $45,000 a year. Teddy said that he makes $24,000. Teddy wasn't counting the two bonuses that he was getting. That's pretty good for a part time assistant. Howard said that it sounds like he might be a little overwhelmed. Teddy said that he is doing a full time job in part time hours so that's where the problem comes in. He said that Artie hates him and it seems like he wants him to quit.
Artie said that he tells Teddy to go ahead and quit but he won't. He keeps coming back. He said that he's a deadbeat and he's tired of that. He said that there's someone else there that has borrowed $7,500 from him there at the company too and that person probably won't pay him back.
Teddy said that he can't wait to see anyone else come in and try to do his job. Artie said that no one else would complain like Teddy does. He went off on Teddy about all of this stuff but Howard wanted to talk to him about what he was doing there.
Artie got up and went after Teddy so they were all yelling at him to stop and for Teddy to get the hell out of there. Artie attacked Teddy and everyone was freaking out trying to put a stop to it. Robin asked what the hell was going on there. Howard said that Artie needs to go home and rest. He said that wasn't cool with him.
Robin said that he's pissed at Teddy and he wondered why they were bringing this up. Howard said he was curious about what was going on and it seems that he's a little out of control over the whole thing. He said he's go to go work this out and he's not sure what he's going to do about it. He said that he just went berserk.
Artie came back in and said that he knows that he's in a fighting mood. Howard said that he doesn't know that this is real. Artie said that he feels like Teddy is stealing his money. Howard told him he was out of control. He said he figured he must like Teddy on some level and had no idea that he was going to fight him. Artie said that it was Howard who brought that out in him.
Artie said that he thinks that Howard prodded it out of him and that's what he got out of him. Howard asked why he would hire a guy who he thinks was ripping him off. Artie said that he's afraid to fire him because he'd have nothing if he did that. Howard said that this was worse than just letting him go.
Artie blamed Howard for bringing this to where it went. He said that he kept pushing him and pushing him and that's what happened. Howard said he didn't know that Artie was going to go crazy and explode. Artie asked why he would bring him back to that type of situation like he and Sal had. Howard said that he really had no idea he was going to attack another human being. Howard said that wasn't fair to Teddy and he can blame him for it if he wants but he's not to blame.
Howard said that he can't have Artie around there if he's not in control. Howard said that he didn't want that from him and he really didn't know he was going to be out of control. Artie said that he can't do his job and he can't guarantee him that he won't do that again. Artie said that he's an out of control person and he can't do that anymore. He said he loves Howard but he has to resign. He said that he can't guarantee that he won't do that again.
Howard accepted Artie's resignation but he continued to talk to him about what had just gone down. Artie said that he would never bother Howard with this nonsense with Teddy. He said that he wouldn't even bring it up on the air. He said that he'll probably get sued now over that. Artie said that he's not a good person and he really has to leave. He told Howard he loves him but he's really got to leave.
Howard told Artie to just go into the green room and they'll talk later. He said that he wasn't looking for that kind of fight. He said that he didn't know it was going to escalate to that. He said that he likes airing dirty laundry but doesn't want to push people to that.
Howard said that he can't have Artie in there if he's going to put other people in danger. He said it was depressing. Benjy asked if he was still going to use his ticket to Amsterdam. Howard didn't want him joking about that. He said this was really serious.
Howard said he was speechless. Robin said that it wasn't fun or funny. She said that it's just not right when someone does something like that. Howard said that he thought that Artie had some kind of affection for Teddy but he seems to really dislike him today. He said that he had no clue that they were going to go that far.
Howard thought that they were really bros and they got along with each other. He really did. Robin said that she believes that they might but Artie is the kind of guy where words run out and he has to act out physically. Howard said that he's had people working for him that he doesn't want working for him but he's never threatened to attack or wanted to attack anyone. Robin said that was the only way he had to express his anger.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that it probably wasn't about Teddy at all. He said that it sounded like someone could have gotten killed when he heard it. Howard said that it did get out of hand and someone could have gotten killed. Robin said that it was the people that got between them that could have gotten hurt too. Dominic said that this is part of his illness and he really has to get some help. He said he's really depressed after that. Howard said he was too. He said that he's sure it was for Teddy and Artie too.
Robin said that she knows that Artie is going to feel like crap after this and he'll be beating himself up after this. She said that he's going to be miserable. Benjy said that Artie might be in a suicidal mood and they may want to keep someone around him. Howard said that Teddy is supposed to be with Artie right now. That's not going to work.
Benjy was afraid that Artie was going to be in a rage where he might hurt himself. Howard suggested that maybe her mother go over and help him out.
Ralph called in and said that he has to leave for the dentist in a few minutes. He said that he thinks that Benjy might be right and someone might want to keep an eye on Artie. He said that he's put Teddy in a position that he shouldn't be in and this is just crazy. He said that you want to cry for Artie.
Howard said that they argue there all the time but they usually keep it under control. He said that he didn't mean anything other than to find out what was going on with Artie and Teddy. Ralph said that he was just asking a couple of questions and the two of them got out of hand.
Robin said that Artie is acting like a boss and Teddy is acting like his buddy with the comments he makes and that drives Artie nuts. Ralph said that Artie's got all kinds of problems with his house down at the shore too so he's got a lot on his plate right now. Howard let Ralph go after he said he was really bummed out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't believe what just happened. He said that Artie seems to be turning into a real asshole. Howard said that he's really a great guy and he's not going to bad mouth him.
Howard said that they are really in a weird position at this point. He took another call from a guy who said that he must have seen this coming and he's doing his job really well. Howard said that he had no idea that it was going to come to this.
Howard said he really thought that Teddy and Artie were good together and didn't know that they had these problems. He said that he thought it was going to be kind of cool and they'd work things out. Howard said that if they were really unhappy that they'd just break things up. Teddy said that things are going to be very awkward there. He said that he never should have come in there. He said that he didn't think that Artie should leave, he should have left. Howard said that's not true.
Teddy said that they've never fought before, they just argue a lot. Howard thought it was just a playful thing that they did. Teddy wanted to forget it all and just move on. He said that he can't believe what happened. He said that he must really hate him and maybe this was for the best. He said he's going to attempt to go back to work.
Howard said that he's sorry that this all happened. Teddy said he hopes that he and Artie can kiss and make up in Amsterdam. He said that they'll see what happens today. He said that he's not flying out with him and he won't be in the same hotel. He said he's hoping that this doesn't keep him from going.
Teddy said he feels responsible but Howard told him he's really not. He said he doesn't feel responsible either. He said he was kind of enjoying them working things out but then there were the accusations and it blew up out of control.
Howard didn't like Artie blaming him for making him do it either. He said that he and Gary have blown up at each other before but they've never gotten this out of control. Teddy said that he couldn't believe that Artie was coming after him the way he did and he got scared when he saw that 17 people were holding him back.
Howard told Teddy that he may want to be around Artie on this Amsterdam trip. He said that it might not be the best thing. He said that he's not going to do anything with Artie and he's not going to go after him for money or sue him or anything like that. Howard said it might be best for him to part ways from Artie.
Howard said he had no clue why this happened. Teddy said that Artie didn't hit him but he did throw a cup of water at him.
Gary came in and said that he's not sure what they should do about this. He said that they managed to talk Artie down in the green room but he was afraid while he was talking to him. He said that they don't know how he's going to react to other people who might say the wrong thing to him. He said that he feels weird about Artie blaming it on them for what he does.
Gary said that Artie has just gotten rid of a bunch of things that he's tired of. He basically quit his job, fired Teddy and said that he wasn't going to Amsterdam. He said that he's not sure what they're going to do next. He asked Howard what he's going to do if Artie calls him tonight. Howard said that he's not sure what to do now. He said he's still speechless and he's not sure what to make of it.
Howard said that it might be up to Tim to make that final decision. Teddy said he doesn't want Artie to leave the show and he hopes that he never gets mad at anyone that much again. He said that if it's because of him he'd be happy to lave the show. He said he feels really bad about this and hopes that Artie won't hate him when he sees him again. Howard told Teddy that he handled it well.
Gary said that Jason Reitman had walked in when Artie was leaving and got all freaked out when Artie just stormed by him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that maybe this is the way the day is going to go. He said that it sounds like Benjy is really worried about him and he hopes that they can get him some help. The guy said that one of them might want to go keep an eye on Artie to make sure he's okay. Howard said that he would love to help the guy out because he really does adore the guy. He said that he'd like to have someone follow him and keep and eye on him.
Howard explained to Jason what was going on and how things escalated so quickly. He said that everything was irritating Artie. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how scary it is that Artie is supposed to be going to Amsterdam after this major blow out.
Howard said that Artie is a great guy and a great person to work with. He's funny as hell but he's not sure what just happened. He said that he never expected that kind of thing to happen. Jason asked if they were fighting in there. Howard said that Artie went after Teddy but the guys held him back.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that he has to put an end to this Artie today. She said that she loves the guy but he has to stop now. He slept through the show yesterday and today he blew up. Howard said that the sleeping doesn't bother him. The only thing he has to worry about is the safety of the people there. The woman was telling Howard he should have seen this coming but Howard said he doesn't have a crystal ball. He was getting pissed off at the woman for making it seem like he was at fault.
Howard said that he's not sure why things got as carried away as they did. Jason said that he thinks that he's seen Artie take responsibility for some stuff like that in the past. Howard said that he thinks that Artie could have been getting mad at him for not taking his side in the whole Teddy thing and he just took it out on Teddy.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the fight and how this can come from a lack of communication. Jason was saying that Artie doesn't seem to know how to talk to Teddy about this stuff without yelling at him.
Howard said that this really sucks and he's not happy about it. He said that he really doesn't want people ready to kill each other.
Howard said that the sad thing is that Artie isn't there to ask Jason if he banged Kate Hudson. He worked with him on a movie one time and the people there thought that he had banged Kate when she was like 16. Jason said that never happened and he had never heard that rumor before. Jason told Howard that Kate didn't even give him the time of day.
Howard said that Robin is very carried away with his looks and she's very much into him. Howard said that Jason got married when he was pretty young. Jason said that he was about 24-25 and his wife is 5 years older than him.
Jason talked about the first time he was on the show with his father. He said that Howard brought him into the studio and brought in his girlfriend. His girlfriend was 10 years older than him at the time. He was 16 and dating a 25 year old. He said that he never looked into the statutory rape thing either. He said that he was with her for 7 years and lived with her when he was still in high school.
Howard asked about what that was like and if his father was okay with it. He said that his father was very cool with him and he thinks he played it right by not trying to break them up. He said that if he had tried to break them up, he probably would have married her at 19.
Jason said that Howard might want to call his father because he heard him mention him on the air one day and it sounded like he said he thought that he just wanted something from him. Howard said he just spoke to him recently and left him a nice message about Jason.
Howard said that Ivan was great with him working on ''Private Parts'' and he really appreciates him helping out with that.
Howard asked Jason about this woman he was dating when he was 16. Jason said that he was a kid locked up in a video room in high school and couldn't get high school chicks. He said that he went to a party and ended up talking to this woman and they connected. He said that she wasn't his first girl though. He said that he had banged someone before her.
Howard asked how long he knew this woman before he told his parents he was moving in with her. He said that he'd spend nights on the weekend with her. He was still doing fine in school and getting jobs and stuff. He said that his life was really good. He said that his parents couldn't use that relationship against him. He said that his mother asked him one night and asked him where he was going to stay that night. He said they were really cool about that too.
Jason talked about the woman he was dating and how she had come up with this jewelry idea that ended up making them some good money. He used some of that money to make short films. He said that the company eventually fell apart and they broke up.
Howard read that Jason had Oprah at his wedding. He wanted to know what she got for them but Jason said he really didn't remember. He said that she even stuck around and danced at the reception. He said that they might even have her on the wedding video. Howard said he should release that as a movie.
Howard read the guest list and they had a lot of famous people like Kirk Douglas, Henry Winkler and others there. Jason said that he found the right girl and he's really lucky that way. He said that listening to Howard's show has really screwed up his life.
Howard talked to Jason about his movie ''Juno'' which turned out to be a huge hit. They spent a short time talking about that and how it was a stripper who wrote the script. Howard said that if he got a script from a stripper, he'd just throw it in the garbage.
Howard said that he wanted Jason to direct some of the ''Son of the Beach'' shows. He said he wanted to hire the guy and he turned them down. Howard said he didn't know why he was turning them down if he hadn't really directed anything. Jason said that it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't that great. He said he was trying to get ''Thank You For Smoking'' and he didn't want to do anything else that might screw him out of getting that movie made.
Jason also turned down ''Dude, Where's My Car.'' He said that he was being offered those kind of movies and they had budgets that were probably higher than any movie he's made so far and even for the one he wants to make next.
Jason talked about how well ''Juno'' did. He said that a lot of people liked that one and they also liked ''Thank You For Smoking.'' He said that they got all of these nominations and the critics loved it. He said that he got offered ''Justice League'' but he didn't want to do that one. He said that the script was fine but he doesn't want to make that. He said that they have every character in that movie. He said he wasn't sure what he could do with the movie. He figured that he'd make it and it wouldn't be as good as X-Men and he'd be the guy who made that movie.
Jason said that he likes doing the kind of movies he's doing now and he'd like to keep making them. He said that he's thinking about adapting a book for his next movie but no one would even know the book. He said that the book was something he really liked and that's what he wants to turn into a movie. He said that these movies are being made for under $15 million and that's fine with him.
Jason thinks that Howard is going to love the next movie he's working on. He told him that the story will appeal to him. Howard asked if he would like it because it has Spider-Man in it? Jason joked that he's going to do Spider Man 4. He said that Sam Raimi has made those movies for the past 10 years and now he's going to have a hard time getting away from that. Howard said that's fine and he should keep making them because he's so good at it.
Howard asked Jason about his father and if he thinks that he's jealous of him getting an Academy award nomination. Jason doesn't believe that at all. He said that he and his father became really close after he broke up with that girl he was dating. He said that they get along to this day and things are great.
Jason said that he went to school for a while and was pre-med but he wasn't doing all that well. He said that his father told him about how he grew up and had all of these great ideas to do stuff but his father told him that he didn't think there was any magic in being a doctor for him and he should go out and do his story telling because he's so good at it.
Howard said that Jason's dad, Ivan, has backed a lot of people in the business and he's probably kicking himself for not backing his movies. Jason said that they are actually starting to work together on some stuff now.
Howard suggested that Jason direct Ghostbusters 3 and put him in the starring role. Jason said that he gets asked if he's going to be doing that movie and he's not going to.
Howard said that Jason was there to promote the DVD release of ''Juno'' which comes out on Tuesday.
Howard talked to Jason about ''Private Parts'' and how great he thinks that is. Jason agreed with him and said that it really was a great movie. He said that he tells people that all the time.
Jason talked about the woman who wrote ''Juno'' and how he first heard about the movie. He said that he went out and met her at a restaurant one day and she turned out to be a lovely woman and very smart. He said that she has more movies in her too. Jason said that no one got a piece of that movie either. He said that he actually had to fight hard to get that director position. He said he got paid around $200,000 to do that movie. He said that he loves it so that's why he's in there to promote it.
Howard asked Jason if he's biter about not getting more money. He said that he's fine with it and he just wanted to come in and see Howard.
Howard read that Jason is going to be working with this chick Megan Fox in his next movie. He said that's true and he has her in a topless scene. He said that you can't really see her nips though because she had pasties on. He's not directing though, he's just producing that movie. He said that she's wearing a skirt and she's topless in a forest. He said she's lured this guy out to the woods in the scene where she's topless.
Howard said it must be a pretty erotic movie. Jason said he thinks this movie is going to be awesome. Howard started to wrap up with him after that. He told Jason not to fuck up his career because it's going so well at this point. Jason said that he probably will eventually because every director does.
Howard told Jason that he has a great father if the guy would let him live with a 25 year old when he was just 16. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said that things got so out of control and he was just bummed out about that. Jessica Hahn called in and said that Howard did nothing wrong. She said that she thinks that Artie should come out there and visit her. She said that he needs to do something to get away from all of this stuff. She thinks that she can fix this and it's not even all about sex. She said that she really feels that she can help him out. Howard thanked her for that.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that this is truly a sad, sad day. Howard said he's right, thanked him and let him go.
Howard took another call after that and the guy said that the story hit the news already. It was on the Newsday web site already. Howard said that he's not sure that they're going to be able to get him back on the show. The caller suggested they get him back by Monday but Howard didn't tell him that they're going to be on vacation next week.
A woman called in and changed subjects telling Howard that his prediction about Katie Couric is coming true. CBS hung in there with her for a while but now she's saying she wants to leave. Howard said that if he were her he'd stick with it as long as her contract was supposed to last. They have to pay her. Howard thanked her for the call and moved on.
Steve said that Big Foot is out of the mental hospital but he has no meds other than stool softener. Steve said that Greg Fitzsimmons will also be on CSI tonight. He also gave a rundown of what they have on Howard 101 tomorrow morning before wrapping up.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down that list and didn't even mention the Artie thing first.
Mutt called in with his Superfan Roundtable preview. He said that they have Artie issues to talk about tonight and about some other stuff. He also threw in a plug for TheFanShow.com where the fans can e-mail him to get on the Superfan Roundtable. He also mentioned that Beetlejuice will be on tonight's show.
Howard asked Robin to start her news while they waited. Fred played one of her songs while they were preparing for that. Robin said that Artie had offered himself up for an auction for her charity and now she's not sure what to do about that. She said that she's not sure what to do. She wondered if they should leave it up or take it down from the web site (CharityFolks.com). Robin said she's not sure what's going to happen now.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that they sound really sad today. Howard said that he really is and he's really drained.
Scott told Howard that he should have Mike on the line so he tried again with him. He still wasn't there. Howard said that maybe they should just let Mike off the hook and not have him on.
Double A called in and said that he knows that this sucks with Artie and he wants him to keep his head up high and think that shit just happens. Howard said that it's too bad that Scott the Engineer couldn't resign today instead of Artie. Howard said that they're really not equipped emotionally to deal with this stuff. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard tried to get to Mike again and heard his voice finally. He gave him a plug for his book and thanked him for what he wrote about him in the book. Howard told Mike that he was really drained today. Mike said that the book is doing quite well for him. He explained how the whole thing came about and how great he thinks the show is.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes...Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Robin read a story about a guy who got the heart of a donor who had committed suicide and ended up committing suicide himself. She read through a few other stories and then Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who asked about Artie and if they're going to replace him. Howard said he's not thinking about that right now, he's more worried about what Artie is up to. Eric also asked about the Howard Stern the High School Years and if he's still going to do that. Howard said he's concentrating on the SIRIUS thing and Howard TV thing right now. Eric told him to maybe stop with the chess for a while and maybe do a movie or something. Howard said that's coming from a guy who sits at home all day smoking pot.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about American Airlines canceling a bunch of flights to fix their planes. She also had a story about how more masculine men are less likely to commit to a woman. Howard said that he thinks that's because they're more animal like and want to drop their seed in more women.
Robin read a story about Daniel Radcliffe coming to New York to show off his ass in a Broadway play. She had some news about the war in Iraq. She had some audio clips that she had Howard playing. She also had more on the American Airlines nightmare with the canceled flights.
Robin had an update about Katie Couric wanting to leave CBS news. Howard said that it seems that people can't stand to watch Katie Couric doing the news. She actually lost them viewers over there. Howard said he's not sure why people care because all the news looks the same to him. He said that they have news all day long on the cable news channels so he's not sure why anyone would watch the network news anyway.
Robin had Howard play some clips about the Katie Couric thing and Howard said he predicted that it wasn't going to work. He said that a lot of people thought it was going to be huge. He said he's not even sure why some people like watching other people. There's no rhyme or reason as to why that happens. He said that it doesn't even matter when these people leave their hit shows to go do other things. He said that the shows still do well even when they leave. He said that Katie is still just as good as she ever was but now she'll be looked at as if she's tainted in some way. She did one thing that wasn't a hit and now she's going to be tainted.
Robin read and played some audio clips about the Pope's visit to the U.S. That led to Howard doing his impression of the Pope and talking about how scary he looks. He said that he thinks that kids must be scared when they see that guy. He said that religion is scary itself. He said that all of these religious guys creep him out. He said he doesn't know what that stuff looks like to little kids but it scares him. He did his Pope impression for a couple of minutes and made him sound like Dracula. Fred threw in some odd screaming and porn clips while he was doing that.
Robin read some news about the American Idol Gives Back special and had some audio clips to play from that show. Howard said he's glad he has TiVo so he can blast through most of the horrible performances that were on that show. He played some short clips of some of the songs on the show but cut them off pretty quick. He said that when he was watching the show he was freaked out by some of the scenes he saw. He said that he has OCD and he had to avoid watching some of the video of the kid with foam coming out of its mouth and things like that. He said that he also had to fast forward though anything that Ryan Seacrest said because he doesn't want to end up sounding like him on radio. He said that guy is horrible.
Robin had a bunch of clips from the American Idol show. She had some of Jimmy Kimmel's jokes. That got Howard back on the subject of Billy Crystal and Robin Williams. He went off on them again even though he thinks that they're really funny guys. He said that he was wondering what the fuck happened to America after he saw Billy Crystal joking around with that Miley Cyrus chick. He said he thinks that Billy and Robin have to do that show because they don't have that Comic Relief show to do anymore.
Howard said that Teri Hatcher got up and did a song during that show and it was bizarre. Robin thought that it was a typo when she read that name. Howard said that it was a horrible performance and played it for Robin. He said that she sings like they sing there. Robin wrapped up a short time later. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Gary came in and said that it was an interesting day to say the least. Jon said that everyone seems to be shell shocked and no one saw that coming. Jon said that it seemed that Howard wasn't all there for the rest of the show. Gary said that no one knew what to do after that. He said that they should just take some calls and find out what the audience thinks about what went on.
Jon said that they all had different vantage points on what happened so he asked the guys if they saw what had gone on in the hall before they came in the studio. Will said that he got a note from the Howard TV guys who said that they were out in the hall fighting. will put the note up on the board for Howard and that's what they'd do for anyone fighting in the hall.
Jon said that Artie and Teddy have always had that kind of relationship though and they're always fighting. Gary said that Teddy didn't want to go into the studio but he kind of pushed him to go in. He said that Teddy didn't want to deal with it but he's in a weird position because he figured he had to get him in there or he'd get yelled at.
Jon said that it was clear that things were there that weren't just about today. Artie ended up not being able to hold back anymore and he snapped. He asked JD if he sees this stuff out on the road. JD said that he sees Artie busting major balls and Teddy usually just takes it. He said he never thought it was going to escalate to this.
JD said that he never thought they got along and he doesn't think that they were ever really friends. Gary asked if they think that Teddy is still his assistant. He was just joking but Will said that it still seems in the realm of possibility that he would stay his assistant. He said that things can get physical and people can get over it pretty quick.
Will said he knows that it was serious today but that's what happens when you want to fight someone. He said that he wasn't that angry 5 minutes later. Gary said that he think he's still angry but not at that level.
Jon was looking at his notes and had some trouble finding what he wanted to talk about next. He had about 30 bullet points there according to Gary. He said that they usually don't have that many things to talk about in one show.
Gary wanted to know what one of the callers had in mind. Jon said he'd get to that but he asked Brian Phelan what he saw with Teddy and Artie. Brian said that he thought Artie was joking around with Teddy in the hall but then it escalated on the air and got way out of hand. Gary thinks that Artie was upset about the way that they communicate and not about the passport stuff.
Gary said that Teddy does respond to Artie in sarcastic ways sometimes so that might be part of the problem. Gary said that if Artie had seen someone else fighting there, he'd be the first one to tell Howard about it and get that on the air. JD said that he thinks that it's more than the communication thing that came out today.
Brian said that Artie was really pissed about Teddy shooting back at him with a line about how he'd copy down his passport info for their next trip to Spain.
Gary said that it was funny that Artie was upset about Teddy saying ''Bloomies'' instead of calling it Bloomingdale's. JD said that Artie gets upset about little things like that and busts his balls about it all the time.
Jon had Jim McClure play one of the clips from the segment where Artie and Teddy were battling and Howard was trying to straighten things out.
Jon went to the phones and let some people comment on the story. One guy said that teddy shouldn't have brought up some of the stuff he brought up during that fight. Gary said that's true but it's up to a person to have some restraint. The caller said that he thinks that the it just wasn't right for Teddy to say what he was saying and Howard taking his side was out of line. Gary didn't think that anyone took his side. The caller thought that Gary did.
Gary asked the guy if he thought Artie as going to get that mad. The caller said he did. He said that he's got friends who would get that pissed so he could tell that Artie was getting pissed. He said that he's even done stuff like that to his friends and has jumped over a table to attack someone but they're still great friends.
Gary asked the guy if he would do that in an office of a work place. The guy said he probably wouldn't do that. He said that's just not right. Gary still didn't think that Howard took Teddy's side either. The caller said that Teddy should have shut up when Artie started to yell. He is his boss so he should have just taken it and not talk about it.
Jon said that some people can shut up and walk out and some can't. Jon didn't think that anyone saw that thing coming when Artie snapped. The guys talked about the fights that they've had on the show and how they usually trust people not to get physical. Gary said that if he knew that it was going to end the way it did, he wouldn't have gone in and added fuel to the fire. He said that he really didn't expect it to happen the way it did.
JD tried to say something but no one understood what he was talking about. Jon took some more phone calls and one woman was saying that you can't really guess what someone is going to do when they get ticked off. The woman asked if they second guess their relationships with Artie now that this has happened. She was also asking if they think that Artie is going to be allowed to come back. Gary said that he's really not sure, he hasn't spoken to anyone yet.
Jon said that he thinks that Artie didn't want any part of that place when he walked out but maybe 10 minutes later he wasn't feeling that way. Gary said that he knows that Artie loves the show but he really hates working those hours that they have to work. He said that he doesn't think that Artie woke up thinking that he was going to quit today. He wasn't sure if he really doesn't want to be there anymore of if it was a heat of the moment thing.
Jon said that Artie was talking about how he'd be fine with them working in the afternoons. Gary said that it really is great having a job working those hours in the afternoon. Benjy said that he thinks that it could have been a subconscious trigger for Artie to do what he did today.
Will said that Artie doesn't seem to be worried about possibly losing his job there because most people wouldn't go to punch someone's face if they didn't want to lose their job. Benjy said that when Artie walked out he gave a hug to Howard and he had a tear in his eye when he was doing it.
Gary said that deep down inside there is a very good person there. Benjy said that there might be more to the story that they don't even know about. Gary said that Artie does feel bad about some of the stuff he does.
The guys talked about how everyone deals with anger differently. They kept bringing up the punching thing but they all said that Artie never did get in a punch. He did go after him but they were able to hold him back from doing that. They held him back and didn't let him get to Teddy.
Gary asked how the security system held up today. Will said that he thought Ronnie did good getting teddy out of the studio. He thinks that he saved his life. the guys said that Ronnie really did a good job keeping things under control. Gary said that he didn't think that he was going to get up and go after him the way it happened. He said that he didn't rush to get in there until he saw him going after him.
A caller said that she wanted to know what was going on in there because they never got a description. Gary said that Artie never got near Teddy but he did head toward him. He did throw a water bottle at him. Benjy held Artie back and then Ronnie came in and got rid of Teddy and got him out of the way.
JD said that he feels bad for Gary because he gets the worst of it. He said that today Gary was standing by the door and Artie ran him over. He took the punch from AJ Benza when he went to punch Stuttering John one time.
The caller said that she remembers Artie talking about how he always ends things on bad terms when he leaves a show. He said that this was probably his way of getting out of the show even if he never thought he was going to do it today. Gary said that could be the case. He said that he knows that Artie loves Howard and it would be really hard for him to tell Howard he didn't want to do it anymore and this was the easier way for him to get out of the job.
The guys spent some more time talking about how Artie and Teddy were still working together and there must be something there, otherwise Artie would get rid of him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary asked if she really thought he was taking Teddy's side. She said that she thinks that Artie may have felt that people were ganging up on him and that's what made him snap. He said he may have felt let down by Howard. Jon didn't think that's what Howard was trying to do there. He said that he was trying to give equal time to both sides. Jessica said that Artie may not have seen it that way.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he thinks that this was a bit. Gary said that he wishes to God that it was. Gary said that he swears on the life of both of his kids that this was not a bit. The caller said that if it's not a bit then Artie is the biggest fuckin' asshole. He said that he's been listening to the show since Howard started on AM radio and he knows the bits and stuff and this one seemed like a really good one. JD said that they would have done it on April Fool's day if it was a bit.
Benjy said that this is really upsetting and depressing to him. Gary agreed. Will said that he knows that Artie didn't want to leave the show in this way and it really sucks for everyone. He said that it feels like he put them in a corner after all of this.
Benjy asked what happened with Artie in the green room. Gary said he just tried to calm him down. He thinks that if it wasn't him he may have thrown them out of the way. He said that he thinks that he helped calm him down a little bit.
Gary said that Artie eventually snapped out of it and got back to reality and started to calm down. He said that he said he was alright and he would go back into the studio. He said that he did promise that he would go back in and his anger was gone by then. He said that he didn't know that he was going to walk out of the show though.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked how much of what happened yesterday contributed to what happened today. Gary said he's not sure. He didn't seem to be mad about yesterday. He said he may not have been happy about it but he didn't seem to be upset about it.
Benjy said that when Artie fell out of the bed yesterday he thought he was kind of acting. If he wasn't then there must be something really wrong with him. Will said that he got plenty of sleep last night because he had a lot of energy to get up today.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that she has a different take on this whole thing. She said that she heard Artie getting mad and thought he was going to have a heart attack. She said that she was yelling at her radio for Teddy to get out of the studio.
Gary said that Artie is very strong too because he was able to push people right out of the way when he went after Teddy. Benjy said that he called Artie and asked him if he was okay and he told him he was fine and he wouldn't hurt himself over this. He said that he's still worried about him though.
The guys weren't sure where Artie went after he left. They assumed that he went home but they really weren't sure.
Syrus called in and said that Artie kind of holds things in and then explodes because he's always trying to be the nice guy. Jon said that a lot of people do that though and that's not a unique thing for him. Benjy said that most of the people there can be real by just yelling at each other there but Artie might have to release that physically. He said that doesn't make it right though.
Will said that he thinks that it's all just a show when it's there at work. He said that once you leave it's over and done with. He said that he's supposed to be there as a worker and he should know that you can't go off on someone like that.
Gary asked Benjy how mad he's gotten on the show. Benjy said that he's cried and gotten rally upset a few times but they didn't even know about it. He didn't have any specific times that he got mad though. Gary said that Howard was talking about him back at K=Rock at one time and he let out a ''Fuck you'' on the air and that was a big no-no at the time. He said that's about as angry as he's ever done. He said that he knew he had the 7 second delay back then so he knew he could get away with it. He said that if he didn't have that and he knew he could get fired, he would have figured out a way to say something to Howard without cursing.
Gary said that he and Howard go through a lot of stuff like that but they just move on after their fights. He said that they just have to push ahead.
Jon asked JD what he's gotten the most upset about. He said he didn't really know but it might be the Jared stuff. Gary said it's hard to tell when he's angry. Will said that everyone has certain things that they don't want on the air and that kind of stuff can upset the other people.
Jon went to the phones again and let some more people comment on this whole thing. One guy said that he thought that Teddy came off totally ungrateful. He said that they all know that Artie is a sensitive guy and he was getting ganged up on today. He said that he should get a break and maybe some understanding.
Gary said that there have been fights on the show before and they usually get over them and move on. He said that there haven't been too many physical altercations on the show other than AJ Benza and Stuttering John's. they also had a Cabbie thing that went on and the Ralph throwing a sneaker at Stuttering John incident. Gary also had to tackle Elaine Boosler's boyfriend one time. Stuttering John got slapped in the face by an old man one time when he did an interview. Gary described the guy slapping John as if he were being slapped by Jason Kaplan.
The guys ended up goofing on Jason about the way he dances and how bad that was. Jason came in and said that he thought he was the second place dancer earlier in the show. He said he wasn't worse than Gary. Jason demonstrated his slap and Gary said that it looked just like that when that old man slapped Stuttering John.
The guys talked about the way Teddy escaped and got thrown into Gary's office after Artie attacked today. Gary said he had to throw him out of his office because he wanted to decompress for a few minutes. Teddy thinks that Gary hates him but Gary insists that he doesn't hate him at all.
A caller asked if they called Artie's sister. Gary said that he did call his sister and his mom. He said that he didn't know that Artie was in that bad of a place. He said that he figured that it was best to let his family take care of it.
Gary said that his mom called him back and told him that Artie is okay and he apologized to her for calling. He said that she was happy that he did call and let him know what was going on. Gary said that Artie didn't go home either, he went out to a diner on 59th street or something.
A caller told the guys that he thinks that it was Howard's fault and he did poke and prod until Artie exploded. He said that Teddy wanted to leave but Howard wouldn't let him go. He said that he thinks that it could have been avoided if Howard had just let him go. The guy didn't think that Artie should be fired.
Jon said that no one is saying that Artie should be fired. Artie was the one who said that he had to leave the show. Jon said that Gary had to step out for a moment while they were talking about that.
Will said that JD was good and so was Lisa G. He said that those were the only two who can dance. Benjy agreed with the Lisa G thing and said that she was hot dancing in the studio today. Will said that he thought Howard wasn't very good and wasn't even hearing the song when he was dancing. JD was goofing on Ronnie's dancing saying he was just shuffling his feet and sticking his arms out like he was punching someone.
The guys played some more music and danced around a little more. Benjy never got to dance but he said that he thinks that he can dance. Will said that he's seen old tape of Robin dancing and she may be as bad as Jason is. Jason said that Robin looks like Elaine from Seinfeld when she dances. They described her as being kind of spastic.
Jon asked JD if he was going to help Howard learn to dance. He wasn't sure about that. Will went off on Richard for wearing a Simpsons shirt that was like a mural. Jason said that it was an awesome shirt. Will didn't believe him. Jason said he would wear it in public if he had one. Will didn't believe him.
Another caller told the guys that he thinks that Howard caused this whole thing and he's a disingenuous person. He said that he started the whole thing and he's done it before in the past. He put all of the blame on Howard and said that they were all shitting on Artie.
The guys said that they do that on the show and they're always tweaking each other on the show. That's nothing new. Jon said that they weren't shitting on Artie either. Will said that Artie can do just about anything on the show and he gets away with stuff that no one else would. He said that's what's great about Artie though because he's so great on the show.
Jason said that Artie might be the best treated person on the show next to Robin. He felt that the guy was off base with his comments. He also told Jon that he might want to stop taking calls from people like that. Jon told Jason that his plane is leaving now so maybe he should just leave now.
Irish John said that they should settle this the old way and have the two of them fight in the ring. The guys said that wouldn't be a fair fight. Will said that all that Teddy would have to do is run around for 30 seconds and Artie would get winded. Irish John didn't want them to settle this with Dr. Ablow or something like that.
The guys talked about how sad this whole thing is. They also talked about how scary it must have been for Jason Reitman to walk in when Artie was storming out. Jason is a huge fan of the show according to Gary so it was kind of weird for him to walking as he was walking out.
Gary said that they had Sam Kinison walk off the show one time years ago and Kari Wuhrer was in that day and wanted to talk about herself but they were still on the subject of Sam walking off. They had to wrap up the show after that so Jon had everyone get in their plugs.
Howard started off the show saying that Gary was part of a class action suit that proves you can sue over anything these days. Apparently some lawyer sued DirecTV over NFL games and how people had to buy a whole season instead of single games. They won the case so now people can buy just one day of football if they want to.
Gary told Howard about the whole thing and what the people involved with the suit actually won. He gets a couple of bucks and some merchandise from the NFL store or something like that.
Howard said the real Gene must like what they're doing because he sent Howard a giant bust of himself as well as two leather bound books, KISStory and KISStory 2 and a few other things. Howard said the bust is huge. He said he must be laughing about the whole thing. Howard thinks eventually Gene will bring a class action suit against him for some reason.
Howard and Robin agreed that today's best news story was the one about the crowned prince of Nepal going crazy and shooting his whole family. Robin said that England's Prince William is probably reading the story getting some ideas himself. He ended up doing all of this because his family didn't approve of the woman he wanted to marry.
Howard told Robin he watched the Mel Gibson movie ''What Women Want'' over the weekend and actually enjoyed it. Robin thinks he's nuts because that movie sucked. He said the first 20 minutes sucked but it got good once Mel's character could read women's minds.
Howard said they were supposed to have today off but they couldn't work that out. He did have Friday off though. He said even on the weekends he's up early at 5:30am or so because he's so used to it.
Howard said the whole thing felt like a wedding the way everyone does everything on Prom night. The kid who Emily went to the prom with was a college student. Howard said on Thursday night he ended up going to someone else's house to see his daughter off. She didn't stay home to get ready to go.
Howard said all of his daughter's friends were getting their pictures taken. Howard is paranoid of photographers so he ended up telling one guy he didn't want any photos taken of him. It turned out to be one of the girls' father. He had to apologize to him after his ex-wife told him who it was.
Howard ended up talking about his days in high school and how he tried to make friends with a jock but he was never able to do it. Howard said the guy never even acknowledged the fact that he was there when they car pooled together.
When Howard started to get famous the guy wrote a letter to him trying to talk to him and how they should together. Howard said there's no way he was going to talk to this guy after the way he was treated. He even got another letter from him last year and the guy was still looking to get together. Howard said he might have the guy on the air to find out why he thinks he would want to be friends with him. It's Howard's turn to ignore this guy like he did to him in high school.
Howard said the guy's younger brother was nice to him back then so maybe he'd hang out with him instead. Howard said he didn't even go to his own high school graduation because he hated it so much. He went right to work as a dish washer after school was done. They had to go to break after those stories.
Howard congratulated Uncle Kracker for topping the top 5 songs. He ran through the top 5 songs after that. He said he didn't know the song very well. He quickly played the rest of the songs that were in the top 5 and Craig Gass' Al Pacino's Baby danced along a little bit to them.
Robin mentioned that Hank the Dwarf's ''Son of the Beach'' was coming up soon. Howard said that Hank was actually going to be calling in later on.
Howard said he got a letter from the Program Director of WFMU which was the station where the DJ set the world record for staying on air for over 100 hours. Howard had goofed on them a little bit recently and the PD ended up writing a letter to him complaining that it was like a giant picking on an ant and it just wasn't right. Howard said he's going to stop talking about it from now on. Before he did that though, he played the phony phone calls that Craig Gass made to them as Gene Simmons, Sam Kinison and Crazy Cabbie.
Gary told Howard that getting Hank into the city is quite a project for his manager, Doug Goodstein from E!. Gary said he sends him a bus ticket and when Hank arrives at the bus station he's supposed to stay put. He always ends up not being there and Doug has to chase him down.
Howard talked a little bit about Hank being in tomorrow's episode of ''Son of the Beach''. Hank said after he comes on the show to promote it tomorrow, he's going to go home, watch the show, tape it, then watch it again. Howard said he's got quite a night ahead of him tomorrow.
Through the whole phone call Hank kept wondering if his phone was crapping out. He'd say ''Hello?'' a few times until Howard told him that he was still on. Robin said it was more fun to talk to Hank on the phone than it was to talk to him in the studio. It's funnier to hear him all confused on the phone. Howard eventually wrapped up the call and told Hank to be ready to talk about behind the scenes stuff from the show. Hank sounded a little overwhelmed so Howard told him to just be ready to get up to get to the show on time.
Howard said they had to cut one scene from the show. Hank throws up at one point and then sucks up his own vomit. He said FX made them cut it and Tim Stack couldn't believe it. Howard said he understood because it was very graphic. Howard said that Tim's character, Notch Johnson, is always puking on the show but it's so over the top that it looks fake. When Hank puked it looked too real for the FX people. Howard thinks that Hank really puked and they just used that cut instead of a fake puke. They had to go to break after that.
Howard said his favorite dead guy interview was Fred Gwynn who played Herman Munster on ''The Munsters.'' He said that guy hated being asked about the Munsters and he just wanted that character to go away. They talked about the interview with Tom Landry too.
Howard said that the best interview to review will be Billy Crystal after he dies. Howard played the Billy Crystal interview where Billy tells John to take the tape back to Howard and shove it up his ass. Billy also says it's not funny and it's not fun for him. It sure has made a lot of fun moments on the show though.
Howard also played some clips of this guy who does an impression of Billy being interviewed by John. He does the ''it's not funny, it's not fun'' thing. Howard played a few of those clips and said that they had him cut like a million of them.
Stuttering John came in and started talking about all of the stuff he's read about shark attacks too. He's up on his shark knowledge because he swims in the Long Island Sound. Mike told the guys that sharks usually stay in 80 feet of water but if there's no food there they'll come in close to shore and attack.
John and Mike told Howard different things that you're supposed to avoid to keep sharks away. They say you shouldn't wear flashy jewelry or bathing suits. Anything that gives you a contrast will attract the sharks attention.
Mike told Howard that the stories he wrote about are true and there's one part of the story where a kid gets attacked in a creek! He says that this one shark was mentally ill when it went on this series of killings back in 1916.
Mike told Howard that the laces to avoid are the west coast where there are sea lions because they attract sharks. He said that Florida is the place where the most attacks happen and down in the Caribbean is another place you'll want to avoid.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy told him that a long time ago people would get a bunch of black guys to swim around them because the sharks can't see them. Mike told Howard that was a myth. The people would actually do that so if there was a shark attack, it would attack one of the black people first. A couple of other phone callers shared their shark stories too. One guy said he didn't know about the jewelry thing and he was almost attacked by a bunch of barracudas while he was down in Mexico on vacation.
KC was in and he was wondering if there was any other thing in the ocean that can attack you like a sea turtle or something. Howard told him not to be such a pussy about stuff like that. ''Al Pacino's Baby'' (Craig Gass) told Howard that he was in his kiddie pool out in California when he saw what he thought was a barracuda. He said he stabbed it with his pacifier but it turned out to be a piece of poop. He said he ended up eating it.
Howard said you can find out more about Michael's book at CloseToShore.net.
Howard said he had to go to break but ended up talking about the movie ''Pearl Harbor'' and how bad Stuttering John thought it was. Robin said that she hated it too and thought that it was one of the most wooden performances that Ben Affleck has ever given. She and John spent a short time goofing on the movie.
Howard said he just saw ''Traffic'' on DVD and thought it was really good. He spent a minute talking about that and then went to break.
Cabbie was also asking Howard if he could contact Dr. Calabro to see if he could give him a penis enlargement. Howard can't believe he'd want to go through that but he said he'd find out for him even though he doesn't think he should be involved.
Howard brought up this penis contest they're having later this week. Cabbie said he wanted to enter but he can't because he's an employee of the station. He knows a guy that would take his place but Howard didn't say yes to the guy.
Howard said there will be 3 Penthouse girls and a gay guy judging the contest later this week. He ended up playing tapes of the gay guy who calls the show's voice mail all the time and leaves messages. The guy was singing songs to AJ Benza because he's apparently in love with him.
Howard had a barbecue over the weekend and one of the 8 year olds that showed up was supposed to eat only Kosher food. Howard didn't know exactly what to do about that so he ended up getting some Hebrew National hot dogs. He said he later learned that the kid didn't like hot dogs so he had to get some Kosher chicken. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to cook it on the same grill as other foods but he did it anyway. After going through a whole big thing with the food the kid never ate any of the food he made.
Howard and Robin discussed the whole Kosher thing and tried to figure some of it out. They didn't have much luck. Howard said he's seen the kid eating non-Kosher foods and it's never been a problem before. He said she was eating some M&M's ice cream cookie thing and that wasn't Kosher. Howard said he tried one himself and enjoyed it.
Howard moved on to talk about a news story that caught his attention. There was this reviewer, David Manning, that always gave good, glowing reviews to Sony Picture movies. Over the weekend it was revealed that the guy doesn't exist. Sony created the name and wrote the reviews to give some good publicity to their movies. A spokesperson from Sony said that they used poor judgment in their decision to do that after Newsweek found out that the guy didn't exist. Even the newspaper that the guy was supposed to be from didn't have a clue their name was being used in the reviews.
Howard got a call from a 16 year old Orthodox Jewish girl who wanted to talk about the Kosher stuff. She was talking about Kashrut or something like that and Howard had some fun with that term. He was making it sound like she was a superhero calling her ''Kashrut Girl''. Craig Gass was doing his Gilbert Gottfried impression during the call and they had some fun with her. They had to go to break a short time after that call.
Craig was doing his Gene Simmons impression a bit and goofing on the whole KISS thing for a while. They had some fun with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard heard a commercial for Creed during the break. The band is selling t-shirts to benefit some charity called the Arms Wide Open Foundation. Howard played it and said that they should cool it with the band promotion. Robin suggested that the band just take some of the money they've made with their hit album and just donate it themselves instead of taking more of their fans money to donate. They replayed the commercial and goofed on it for a short time.
Howard said he was going through the tabloids and saw that Jim Carrey had fallen for another leading lady in a movie he was working on. He said that seems to be happening quite often. He played some audio clips of Jim talking about falling for this woman.
Howard read a few other stories about some other celebrities in the tabloids. He went through all a bunch of stories and talked about them with Robin.
Howard had some audio of Anthony Quinn to play. He just died over the weekend. Howard said that Quinn was in his 80s but he was married to a 40-something year old woman. Howard read that she had climbed into his bed when he was dying.
Howard said he can't believe she was just ''tuning by'' when she heard the show. He told her she would become his greatest listener as she starts ''monitoring'' the show every day. She said there would be not chance of that happening though. She had to run off to a meeting so she ended up hanging up on him.
Howard continued to make fun of the woman for a few minutes after she hung up. He kept up the ''Jewish Defender'' thing and goofed on that a bit. Craig Gass was doing his Gilbert Gottfried impression and throwing out a bunch of lines about the Jewish Defender thing.
Double A called in and told Howard how great the show was this morning. He said he was rolling on the floor laughing from some of the stuff they were doing. He asked Howard what he thinks is the hottest moment on the show for him. Double A was talking about the Lesbian sisters and also about the Cindy Margolis show when her friend Elisa was in.
Howard said that he used to like the shows when they'd have girls massaging him on the floor of the studio. He once had a mother and daughter team massaging him. The guys spent a minute on that and then got back to Robin's news.
Gary came in with some notes about Anthony Quinn and said that he had a son that drowned in W.C. Fields' pool when he was a child. As soon as Craig heard that he started doing his W.C. Fields impression and had some fun with that for a few minutes.
Gary read through some more of his notes while Howard and Craig were doing their W.C. Fields impressions. Howard said that he likes how they can't even really do W.C. Fields impressions but they're doing them anyway.
Robin read through some news stories about Rudy Giuliani's divorce, the Tony Awards and a few other things. Howard and Craig were still doing that W.C. Fields thing and even Fred was getting into it and throwing out a bunch of lines.
Robin had a news clip where Adam Sandler was talking about a movie he's in. Craig did his impression of him and sounded very much like the real guy. Robin ran through a few more stories and then wrapped up. Howard ended the show around 10:15am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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