Howard started off the show talking about how happy he was to see that they had George Takei sitting in all week. George said that it had been far too long since he was there and he was glad to be there today. Howard said that Artie is out again today just like he was the last time George was in. He said that's kind of odd. He said that Artie told Jason yesterday that the was sick. Gary said that was actually this morning. He had Jason stop by to pick something up from him and told him he wouldn't be in.
Robin said that she was talking to Artie over the weekend and he was telling her about these Yankee tickets that he had. She said that he called Jim McClure over the weekend and told people about a family function he had on Sunday. It sounds like he was making this stuff up to get out of doing stuff.
George said he thinks that Artie knew that he was coming in today and he might be afraid to face him. He said that they have so much to talk about and he may want to avoid that. He said they have a lot of stuff to discuss like the run in with High Pitch Mike and the PSA that he was going to do for the Human Rights Campaign.
George said that they sent Artie some bullet points for this PSA and he's heard that there was some contact between Teddy and the HRC and that has stopped. He said he thinks that Artie feels a little skittish about the whole thing.
George thinks that he probably won't be doing that PSA so maybe he should just write out a check and get out of the whole thing. He said that his money might be considered tainted money if he did do the PSA and keep using the word ''fag.''
Howard said that LifeBeat has stopped taking money because of what Artie has been doing lately. They actually returned a $10,000 check to Crumbs bakery after all of that.
Gary said that including today Artie has been out the first day 3 of the 4 times that George has been in. Howard said that could mean that Artie is either anti-Asian or anti-gay. Gary thinks that it means that Artie thinks that they don't need him there when they have another guest in like that.
Howard said that he has to talk to Artie about this time he's taking off. He said that they only work a 4 day work week.
That contest is sponsored by HotMovies.com. Howard gave them a plug and that led to him asking George about watching porn on the web. George said he used to love watching that stuff but he doesn't do that so much these days. He said that Brad isn't that into it and he doesn't appreciate him watching the porn. He said that Brad keeps a pretty short leash on him and won't let him do stuff like that.
Howard said that he'd never want Beth to know he watches that kind of stuff so he always locks the door when he watches that stuff. Howard asked George if he would sit there nude and watch that stuff. George said he wouldn't, he'd be in the study watching and would keep his clothes on.
George said that he would unzip and stick it out to do that. He said that he'd then take it into the shower stall to have some privacy. Howard asked him if the wetness of the shower decreases the sensitivity. He said that he soaps up and that makes it so exciting to him when he's rubbing his hand over himself.
Howard asked where he watched the gay porn when he would. George said that Brad would put a stop to it if he did that. Howard asked him for more details about how he'd do this stuff and what he'd do if Brad walked in on him. He said that he'd always take it to the shower. He said he keeps the images in his mind and takes them to the shower every time. He said that the computers are in the study so he can't finish off in there.
George said that Brad will actually cut him off if he's on the web and he'll actually disconnect him from the web. Howard said that this proves his theory that one of the people in a gay relationship will take on the more feminine role in the relationship. He said that Brad seems to be the one who acts like the wife because that's how a wife might handle watching porn.
Howard figured that George was the more dominant one in the relationship. George said that is the case. He said that he does like to be sucked though. He said that Brad claims that he saves his love for him and doesn't masturbate. That's what he wants George to do as well. George apologized to Brad for talking about all of this on the air. He was afraid that he was going to be upset with him this morning.
George said that he still watches porn when he gets the chance. He just has to make sure Brad isn't around. If he is around, then the porn watching gets shut down. He said that at least now he has Brad and he doesn't need the magazines that he used to have. He said they don't get the porn magazines at home anymore. He said they still get some gay related magazines but nothing pornographic.
Howard said that he used to have this guy who worked for him that he'd make go buy gay magazines to humiliate him when he did something wrong. He said that was Lee Davis.
George told Howard that he's going to be kicking off this new series called ''Secret Talents of the Stars'' on April 8th. He said that there are 4 celebrities who kick off the show and they include Clint Black, Sasha Cohen, George and someone else.
George said that he is going to be singing country songs himself. He said that the audience votes on who wins and he is appealing to the Stern Army to help him out. Howard said that he should just leave it to them, they'll make sure that he wins. Howard said they will get behind him and help out.
Richard came in and said that he wanted to get back to the jacking off in the shower thing. He said that he has a problem when he jerks off in the shower. He said he gets soap in the end of his pecker and it stings. George said that he soaps up his whole body and he lets the water drip on his penis so the soap doesn't get on his penis. It's just the warm water. The soap is just so he can feel that on his body.
Howard played a prank call that the guys made using clips of George talking to Richard about not showering. The guy eventually hangs up on George telling him that he's just weird. They call him back and have George asking him all kinds of odd questions.
George felt for the poor victimized people that Richard terrorizes with those calls. Richard said he had some even better calls than that but the people didn't give consent to play them on the air. Richard said he had some really good ones. Howard told him to have Gary call them and maybe they could pay them a couple of bucks to get them to change their minds.
Howard said it was great to have George there this morning. He said that he's a Superman amongst the show. Gary came in and told Howard some of the other stars who are going to be on that show that George is going to be on. He ran down the list of people and what their talents were going to be.
Howard asked George what kind of money he's going to get paid for that show. George said that they pay nicely but he can't reveal what he's getting paid or what song he's even performing. He said that the further on he goes the more money he'll make so he can't reveal that. He said that they're handsomely compensated though.
Howard guessed at what he might be making but George said he just can't confirm or deny the amount. Howard said that he had an advance copy of that show and what George was going to be signing. He played a song parody that he had of George singing ''Bu, bu, bu, ka, ka, ka... Bukkake.''
That led to him playing even more song parodies. He had a new one from Richard Christy that had nothing to do with George. He had another one that a listener sent in about Robin. There was another one about Robin's boobs called ''Robin's Big Floppy Titties'' to the tune of ''Suffrajett City.'' There was a Gary the Retard song parody to the tune of Tom Petty's ''Free Fallin.'' George said he was a fan of ''Release Robin's Bra'' so Howard played that one.
Howard played Crazy Alice's voice mail message where she goes off on Robin about that new group of hers. Robin is raising money for children in Africa and Alice isn't too happy about that. She went off on her about doing that for a minute.
George said that he thinks this is a good thing but they do need to improve the kind of support they have for local charities as well. He said he agrees that they have to spread the money around the world as well too.
Robin said that they're raising money for different charities every year. That's what her group is doing. Robin said that if they don't take care of these problems around the world they will come back to haunt them in the future.
Robin asked George if he was free on April 17th. He wasn't sure so Robin told him that if he is then she'd love to have him at the charity event.
Howard said he had a prank call the guys made using some Crazy Alice clips. They called a modeling agency and had her yelling at them over there.
Howard said he saw it got some great reviews. Robin said that it really was a great movie. She said that you get to see stuff that you normally wouldn't see. She said that Mick got up and said something quickly and then left.
Howard said he heard that Robin removed her top and threw it at the screen because it seemed so real. Robin said that she almost did. She said that seeing Mick on stage is really hot even with that wrinkly old face of his. She said that it was kind of gross when he was dancing with Christina Aguilera on stage because she was just about being molested by him. She said she looked like she wanted off the stage at that point. She said she'd give it a 4 out of 4 star review.
Howard said he might not stick with Obama if he gets the nomination. He said he's going to have to look at both he and McCain to see who he's going to go with in the end.
Howard talked about how turned off he is by Obama's relationship to that Reverend Wright guy. He said that he really doesn't know that much about Obama but that one thing really eats away at him. Robin thinks that he's just not voting for him because he's black. Howard said that's not the case.
George talked about Obama and some of the stuff he knew about him. He said that he has some issues with him as well.
Wolfie asked who is better looking, Will Murray or Fred Norris. George said that both of them are great but he'd have to choose Will over Fred. Howard asked him if he had to see their penises to make his decision clearer. That wasn't going to happen though.
Howard went to another call but ended up talking about how they were supposed to have Jose Canseco on today. Gary said that it looks like he won't be in today but he will reschedule.
The caller asked George about his sneaking around his house watching his porn. He said that they all identify with the sneaking the porn stuff. Howard said he'd be bothered if he found Beth looking at porn of other guys. The caller said he'd love to see his wife doing stuff like that.
The caller told George that he has to just jack off in his chair and pretend that he doesn't care at all and maybe drag Brad into it with him.
Another caller asked Howard why he's not stepping up and acting like a boss with Artie taking so much time off. Howard said that he might be right about that. He said that he kind of bought into his calling in sick but it seems to be happening a lot more now.
Gary said that Jason told him that Artie was saying he has a cold that he hasn't been able to shake and he doesn't want to get everyone sick. Robin said that he doesn't take care of himself and it is possible that he's really ill.
Howard said that he doesn't want to have to lay down the law to people he works with. He didn't get into radio to do that kind of stuff. Robin said that she was coming into work late for a while there at K-Rock and Howard took it up with her. Howard didn't remember doing that though.
Howard said he's okay with Artie taking a day off now and then but he really should be there. He said they only work a 4 day work week.
Donny asked Artie what he would do if they were buddies and he asked him to stop being so self destructive. Artie said that he could never see them being that close. He then went on to talk about some of the things he's gone through in his life trying to get help and how some of it was forced upon him.
Artie talked about the different drugs that he's tried in his life. He was saying that he's gone through all of the stuff that Belushi and Farley went through but he's lasted a lot longer than they did.
Howard said it almost seemed like Donny had him on the show just to yell at him. Then they had him tasting cupcakes to see if he could pick out his own from the batch.
JD came in and said that Artie was on to announce that his big comedy tour was starting up in April. He said it was kind of weird to see him on this show that usually has big business guys.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has a thing for Robin now. He asked if Lisa G could be in her GNO group. Robin said that she has been out with the girls before and she could possibly make it into the group. She said that she is a reporter so they're not sure they want someone like that leaking stuff about their nights out.
A woman called in and asked Robin about her political views on Barack Obama. Robin said she has no political view on him. The woman went on to say that she will have a difficult time voting for him because of what Howard has talked about with him and this reverend. She thinks that the reverend is a nut case. She's also concerned about his middle name of Hussein. Howard said that he doesn't agree with that but there are a lot of people out there who believe that he's a Muslim and lying and just trying to take over the country and turn it Islamic. He had to go to break after that.
Robin said that there are some incredible tickets available for Yankee fans and they're available at CharityFolks.com.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that she spoke to Donny Deutsch after his interview with Artie. She'll have more on that today. She said he told her that it's going to be tough for Artie to market himself in the future with all of this stuff he has going on now. Howard said that's pretty obvious.
George said that Artie's persona is addiction and if he just got addicted to good living and working out, that would still work for him. Robin thinks that his fans like him out of control though.
Lisa said that Crumbs Bakery is going to continue selling Artie's cupcakes and they may create a Baba Booey cupcake or something like that. Howard thinks that they should donate the money from Artie's cupcake to an anti-drug charity or something.
Lisa said they have a new ''Lowdown with High Pitch Mike'' bit coming up today. He'll be talking about how he doesn't think that Artie should be doing that PSA that George wants him to. Lisa said that Clara the Bulldog is going to be on FOX news sometime this morning as well.
Howard asked Riley why he has to call him names because he had just called him a fuckin' Jew. Howard told Riley to fuck off. Sal said that he's sick of this food poisoning bullshit and said that Riley was drinking all weekend. Howard told Sal to stop with that and told him to get out of the studio.
Howard said he doesn't know what he did wrong and asked Riley what it was that he was complaining about. He said he heard that Riley had food poisoning again this weekend and he's not sure why he's going off on him for asking about that. He said he didn't even know he was in Atlantic City this weekend. Riley said that he and that baboon he works with set him up this weekend.
Riley was complaining about the flea bitten room that he had and how nothing was comped to him. Howard said that's not his fault. Riley said that he wanted to walk them through all of this stuff. He said he got to the hotel and he had to pay for parking and he got stuck in a flea bitten room and found nothing comped to him. He said that they didn't even get water for free. He said he called down to ask for some water and he was told he had to pay for it. He wasn't happy with that at all.
Riley thinks that Howard had something to do with that whole thing but Howard told him he had nothing to do with it. He told Riley he is getting more and more belligerent and he can't deal with it. Shuli came in and said that he almost got into a fist fight with Riley over the weekend.
Howard told Riley he has nothing to do with any of that shit. He wanted to talk to Riley about the contract negotiations. That led to Riley talking about Shuli and how he shouldn't be representing the show at all. Shuli went off on him and said that he should have knocked him out when he was out there. Riley said that Shuli hates the show and was bad mouthing him. He claims that Shuli was bad mouthing him back stage.
Shuli said that he told Riley to calm down at one point and then Riley took his bottle of food poisoning and threatened him with it so he had to stand up and tell him to back off. Riley told a story about how he was taking a picture with some guy who grabbed his nuts and he got upset about that. Shuli didn't know how that had anything to do with him though.
Riley said that they had no security there at the show and he was upset about that. Howard asked him why he does it then. Riley said that this is the last show for him.
Sal came in and said that they needed security to protect them from Riley. He refused to leave the stage so they had to drag him off. Riley went off on Shuli some more and said that he has no human worth at all. Howard said he agrees with him on that.
Howard said he heard that Riley had food poisoning and he wanted to wish him well and ask how he was feeling. Riley asked if that's the reason he called him. Howard said that he was just adding the food poisoning thing to the conversation.
Riley said he was going to compliment Robin on her loveliness until she started talking and now he thinks that she's still just a baboon bitch.
Howard said he doesn't think that they should have Riley on their comedy shows anymore. Shuli said they won't because he'll knock the guy out if he sees him in front of him again.
Riley was talking about how Fred and his band were awful at the show. That led to Fred talking about how Riley is the angriest man he's ever met and he was nothing but respectful to him. Riley said something about Fred and how he looks like someone who would have marched Anne Frank into Auschwitz. Fred said that was very racist on his part. Riley went off on Rev. Bob Levy as well. He called him some names. Fred told Riley that if he didn't have a relationship with SIRIUS things would have gone down much differently that night.
The guys asked Riley why he travels with so many people and why he had two video guys with him. Riley said there were only two photographers with him. Howard told Riley that he has nothing to do with this sabotaging of his life like he thinks he does.
Sal said that he saw Riley engaging in food poisoning the next morning at 9 in the morning. Riley told Howard that his people really hate him and he should watch his back. He said that Shuli really hates him and he should watch his back. He said that Shuli wasn't even born of woman.
Howard said that he had nothing to do with that Killers of Comedy show he was part of. He said he wishes that they'd go away. He said he likes when they do their comedy there, not out on the road.
Shuli told Howard that Riley lost the audience 30 seconds in. Sal told a story about how Riley wasn't even able to say ''stand up'' when he got up on the stage. He said he was saying ''dan duh'' and the audience had no idea what he was saying. He was trying to say ''stand up.'' He said then he started singing to the audience and the crowd was booing him. Then the security guys had to come out and drag him off the stage.
Howard asked what he had to do with any of that. Riley said that he set him up with all of that. He said that those guys set him up to look like an ass. Shuli told Howard that all of his people were apologizing to him for what Riley was doing.
Howard cut the guys off saying that they were going around in circles. He said that he wanted to talk to Riley about how he only had 2 shows left on SIRIUS before his contract is up. Tim Sabean came in and said that he has spoken to Riley about the contract and he's looking to get a new time slot. Riley said he didn't want to talk about this stuff on the air. He said that they're trying to show boat with this shit.
Howard told Riley that he has a bad feeling that this isn't going to work out this time. Riley said that they have 2 shows left and if they want, they can nullify it and stop him from doing the final 2.
Howard told Riley that he wanted to tell him what he would like to see happen. He was about to get into it but Riley started to go off on him about the other crappy shows they put on there. He complained about the Man Tit show they did last week and how lame he thought that was.
Howard said that he asked Riley to go on and do his 1 hour show and that's what he did. People liked the show so they made it a regular thing. They gave him a few bucks to do the show and thought it was an excellent opportunity for him. He said that once they hire him it's out of his hands. He said that they've given a lot of people shows there but he has nothing to do with paying them. SIRIUS pays these people. He said he did that with Bubba, Ferrall and everyone else who works there.
Howard said that everyone there is paid by SIRIUS and he just tells them who he wants there. With Riley he said he told them that the audience would be tickled to hear him on the air. What they pay them is their business, not his.
Riley said that he doesn't appreciate having these maggots ambushing him the way they do. Howard said he has nothing to do with that and he doesn't think that anyone is ambushing him. Riley said that he's given them a year and a half of his life. If they don't want him there then he will leave. Howard said that he won't talk about this on the air if he doesn't want to. He respects that and he won't do that if he doesn't want to.
Riley told Howard to do something decent in their lives and come through with his demands. Tim said that it's going to be hard and he doesn't think that Riley can take the pressure of this stuff. Riley was still complaining about these people coming after him.
Gary asked if they could talk about what Riley was looking for with the show. Tim said that he wants a longer show, that won't happen. He wants to do a term for 1-2 years too. Riley told Tim to go back and play with his cousin again because he just said he didn't want to talk about that stuff on the air. He said that nothing get get lower than that Shuli.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said they have to get Riley off the air and get back to George Takei and his masturbation stories. Howard said he might be right. Another caller said that he should hang up on Riley and give his time slot to Chuck Zito.
Another caller said that she saw the show on Friday night and she had no idea what Riley was saying. She said that Fred's band was amazing and loved that Bob Levy was picking on her husband all night. She said that Sal and Shuli were great as well.
Ralph called in and told Riley that he's a novelty act on the air and he's not that integral to the show. Riley went off on him in the middle of that discussion. Ralph told Riley to just take the money they offer to him and appreciate it. He told him that he can sell that crap he sells on his web site because he has an hour long show that's like one big ad.
Riley continued to go off on Ralph for a few seconds before Howard cut him off and said that they hope that things will work out. Melrose Larry Green called in and said that Riley is an anti-Semite and a racist. He said that his comments at the comedy show were very offensive. Riley went off on him yelling at him for a few seconds before Howard cut them off.
Tim and Shuli talked about how even Riley's people were apologizing about his behavior on Friday night. Shuli asked Riley what he's going to do after all of those people leave him. Riley said that he lived 50 years before the met them so he'll be fine.
A caller told Howard that he has to keep Riley around because he's great when he's going off on them the way he was this morning. Another caller said that he was boring him to death this morning and he had to get rid of him. Howard thanked everyone and wrapped up. He gave Riley a plug for his show that airs Tuesday night at Midnight. He's only got a couple more shows left so catch him while you can.
Howard talked to George Takei about this and how they are just one big dysfunctional family there. He said that he hopes that Riley comes around and keeps doing his show.
Howard said that the Iron Sheik was coming in this morning. He had some audio of him talking about Bubba the Love Sponge and he really didn't understand what he was talking about. He played the clip and tried to figure it out. Sheik was talking about Bubba and how he could have beat the fuck out of him if he had gotten into a fight with him. He was going on and on and on. George said he needed subtitles for that.
Howard said he saw a piece of tape where Sheik was pulling his pants down and showing his penis and stuff. He said that he'd talk to Sheik about that when he comes in later. He had to go to break after that.
Howard asked George when Heroes is coming back. George said that he's not sure and there's a possibility that there will be an actor's strike coming up at the end of June. He said that the writers are working on that third season though.
Howard talked about the Rolling Stones movie that Robin reviewed earlier in the morning. He said he was supposed to go but he ended up bailing out on it.
Howard said that Jay Leno did something weird. He said that there's this show over in England called ''Top Gear'' and they're doing a remake of it here in the States. He said that Leno is claiming that they offered him the hosting gig but he's now saying that NBC is going to screw up the show. He said that's kind of strange. Robin thinks that he's feeling bad about how he's kind of getting screwed by NBC for kicking him out for Conan O'Brien.
Howard asked someone why NBC would get rid of Leno when he's the number 1 guy. He said that the person said that Leno is getting older and NBC thinks that they can get a few more years out of Conan and they think that David Letterman is going to retire some day.
Howard said that the whole thing is weird with NBC. He said that they're afraid of losing that franchise but it's hardly even a franchise.
A caller said he heard that Adam Carolla is going to be the host of Top Gear. Howard said he heard that from Adam and he didn't know it was public knowledge. He said that he thinks that Jay isn't an honorable guy so he's kind of glad that he's not going to be hosting the show. He said that the guy seems to be empty inside. He said that he'd talk to him back stage at his show and it didn't seem like there was a human being inside of him.
Howard said he was always happy to do the Tonight Show but then the Stuttering John thing went down. He said he was fine with John leaving the show, he just didn't like the way Leno handled it and went behind his back to take John away from them.
Howard said he wouldn't stand in John's way if he wanted to leave the show. He said that Jay steals bits from the show and then he started taking his staff so he thought that he was a maggot and stopped being friends with him. He said that he called Jay and told him that he didn't want to be friends with him anymore and Jay asked him if that meant that they weren't friends anymore. Howard said that he didn't want anything to do with the guy anymore after that.
Howard said that when Rosie O'Donnell had her show, she hired one of Jay's people and he flipped out over that. It was a similar situation to the Stuttering John thing and Jay got pissed about his people being hired away.
George said he had no idea what was going on with those late night shows. Howard said that they really do borrow stuff from his show and make it seem like it was their idea. He said that they even send John out to interview people on red carpets just like they did for years. Howard said that Jay invented nothing, he's just a stand-up comic.
Howard said that Jay's ''Jay Walking'' bit is something that they did on the show for years and it's nothing new. He said he can't wait to get out of the business. He said he doesn't want to invent anything anymore and doesn't want to write stuff for the world. He said that there are shows that rip him off and get away with it. He said that he could sue the people who make shows like ''Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.'' He said he's going to sue them to just to make a point.
George said that he should do something really big for his show but Howard told him he just wants to retire. He said he's out of creativity and he's leaving radio. He said he's going to sit home and stare at the wall. Robin said he's going to yell at Beth, that's what he's going to do. Howard said maybe he'll jerk off in the shower.
Howard said that maybe he should do a ''Are You Smarter than George Takei'' or ''Are You Gayer Than George Takei.'' George said that there are many people who are gayer than him. George said that he's not sure what the definitive gay would be.
Howard asked George if he was doing leach therapy like Demi Moore is doing now. George didn't know what that was so Howard had to explain it to him. That led to George talking about how he does some exercises he does to keep his turkey neck away.
Howard and George talked about how people these days are very inconsiderate at shows and movies. They cough, let their phones ring and stuff like that. Howard said that there are people who are so insecure that they can't even walk down the street without talking on their cell phones. He said that they're like perpetual adolescents who can't separate from their mothers.
George told some stories about a guy who had his cell phone going off while he was performing in a play out in California. He said the guy's phone went off twice during that show and it was very annoying. The guy turned out to be a doctor but that was no excuse to let his phone ring during the show.
Howard told Sheik about this pedophile that used to make Jim kiss him on the cheek when he'd take them to wrestling events. Sheik didn't even know what the term pedophile meant.
Sheik told Howard that he's out on tour with the Killers of Comedy and having a great time with them. He said that Riley was very nice to him at the show over the weekend and even told him that he'd give him money if he needed it. He said that the one thing he didn't like was when this guy came in and tried to take his picture. He said that he got mad and so did Riley.
Howard said this sounds like a freak show out there. He asked Sheik if he likes Beetlejuice. Sheik said that Beetlejuice treats some people good and some bad. He said that he was in a room with him out in California one night and it was the last time he would ever stay with him. He said that Beetlejuice is okay but he can't room with him again.
Howard said he can't imagine sticking Sheik in the same room with Beetlejuice because Beet needs someone to care for him. Sheik thanked him for that because that's how he sees it too. He said he told the promoter of the show that he can't do that again.
Howard said that sticking Beetlejuice in the room with Sheik is just wrong. He said that he can't care for someone who shits his pants sometimes. Sheik said that Beetlejuice does a lot of talking and he just goes on and on telling his bullshit stories. He said he just wanted to go to sleep and Beetlejuce just kept talking and shit his pants. He said that it was the worst time he had ever had in his life.
Sheik went off on Beetlejuice a little bit and said he was disgusting. He said that he should share a room with Hulk Hogan next time.
Howard said that he knows that Sheik doesn't have a lot of money like Hulk Hogan does. He asked if he thinks that he just started at the wrong time. Sheik said that's probably what it is. He then went off on Donald Trump saying that he would arm wrestle him. He said he wants to shave that hair of his if he wins.
Sheik asked for some German beer (Becks) because he really likes that beer. Gary brought him in some beer a short time later. Sheik was going off on Jay Leno after that but it wasn't clear why he was doing that.
Sheik opened his beer with his Bic lighter and Howard seemed to be impressed with that. Sheik was yelling and going on and on about who he wanted to arm wrestle and stuff like that.
Howard suggested that Sheik challenge Trump to arm wrestle and the loser should have to take it up the ass. Sheik seemed okay with that. Howard thought it was kind of early in the morning to be drinking beer. Sheik said that he's happy so he doesn't care about that.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing Beetlejuice audio clips. They had Beetlejuice yelling at Sheik about the stuff he had said about him earlier in the show. Sheik yelled at the audio clips thinking that it was really Beetlejuice. Sheik told him that his dick could beat him up. The guys even played one clip that was bleeped and Sheik didn't seem to notice that.
Howard said that he heard that Sheik slaps his manager when he's hanging out with him. Sheik made it sound like he deserves to be slapped. Howard mentioned a couple of names that got Sheik all riled up and yelling even more.
A Randy Savage impersonator called in and went off on Sheik getting him all pissed off. Sheik was saying he would rape his ass with that can of Becks he was drinking. Then they had some clips of Hulk Hogan that they played over the phone getting Sheik all pissed off once again. Then they had Hulk saying that he was madly in love with him and Sheik was still on fire saying that he was sweating like crazy.
Howard asked Sheik if that beer was his first of the day. Sheik said it was the first Becks of the day. Howard took a call from Richard who was pretending to be Donald Trump, and not even disguising his voice. He told Howard that Sheik was a piece of shit and that got him all riled up again. Sheik was yelling at him and telling him not to cross him because he'll be the fuck out of him.
George Takei tried asking Sheik a question but Sheik stood up and lost his headphones again. They fixed him up again and then George tried to ask him the question again. He had asked if he thinks that he's a good Muslim. Sheik said that he prays 5 times a day. George asked if Allah approves of his vulgarity and exposing his genitals and stuff. Sheik said that he's not supposed to do that stuff but he gets carried away. He said that his agent makes him do that stuff.
Howard brought in Sheik's agent and asked him why he would make him show his ass and penis like that. His manager, Eric, came in so Howard asked if he takes half of his money. He said he doesn't but Sheik said he's a liar and he does take 50 percent. He told him he'd beat the fuck out of him if he lied to him.
Eric said they split the price of the pictures they take when they go out to events. They went back and forth on that a little bit until Sheik's headphones fell off once again.
Howard picked up the phone again and said that he had Brian Blair on the line. It was actually clips of Gary that the guys were playing as Brian Blair. They had Sheik yelling at him as well. They had Gary telling him to go take another hairbrush up his ass. That pissed him off even more.
Howard got back to Sheik's agent. The guy said that he has to do a lot of stuff when he's working for him and there's much more than meets the eye there. Sheik was accusing him of taking 50 percent but the guy kept saying that's not the case.
Howard heard that Sheik hung up on Will when he was doing his pre-interview. Sheik said that it was a gay question that he asked and he didn't appreciate that. Sheik threw his beer at Will and Howard had to make sure Will was okay after that. Will said he had apologized to him already and he hoped that they were okay.
Howard gave Sheik some plugs for his upcoming gigs. you can check those out at KillersOfComedy.com and to book Sheik for gigs you can check out EssPromotions.com. Howard wrapped up with Sheik a short time later.
Howard talked to George about his hemorrhoid problems and asking if he sits on the toilet a long time. He said that he doesn't, he eats a lot of fruits and vegetables. He said he just uses regular toilet paper so Howard gave him the secret: Baby wipes. He told him to dab and not wipe hard. George said that it works for him. Howard said it can't and it must be itchy back there.
George said that he can't believe the things they reveal on this show. He said that there are millions listening to them too. He said that he doesn't look at his roid but he can feel it back there and will push it back in when he's going to the bathroom.
Howard jokingly said that Brad had called in and told them that he was removing their shower from the bathroom so George couldn't jerk off in there anymore.
Howard said that tomorrow they'll be doing the Newlyweird Game with George, Evil Dave and Blue Iris. Then he talked about how President Bush got booed at a baseball game when he threw out the first pitch. He said this guy really isn't a very popular president at this point. He played some audio from that event where the crowd started booing him heavily when he was introduced.
Howard had a clip from CNN where one of the reporters said ''six titty tour'' instead of ''six city tour.'' He played that and got a laugh out of that. Fred threw in some Beavis and Butt-head laughing after he played that.
Howard played a clip of a speed metal remake of the songs ''Sweet Dreams are Made Of These.'' He wondered if it's possible that the drums in that were live or recorded. Fred said that it was a double bass pedal and people can do that. Richard said that he used to be able to drum like that for hours at a time. He said he can't do it as long as he used to be able to.
The band was called Wykked Wytch according to Richard. He said that he knows those guys and played in one of their demos years ago. He said he wouldn't have the stamina to play that fast, that long anymore. Howard sounded impressed. Richard said he could demonstrate it if they had a drum set in there. Howard said they'll have to do that.
Howard said that Howard TV is doing a special with Richard and his drumming in a couple of weeks. They played a little bit of that for Howard to listen to. He wasn't playing as fast as that speed metal band was. The guys liked what they were hearing from Richard in that clip.
Fred said that Richard is one of the elite drummers that's really good at what he does. He said that he's really awesome. He said that he doesn't think that Richard would like playing with his band because it wouldn't be challenging enough. Richard said that he would love to play with them sometime. He said that he used to practice for four hours a day in the past.
Fred was kissing his ass talking about how great he is. Then Howard said that it's a shame that people know him more for licking balls than playing drums.
Howard said he had to give a shout out to this woman who mentioned him in her book. She dedicated it to him so he read that quickly and gave her a plug for the book ''Maiz E Coca Cola.'' George heard what the book was about and said that he will probably read it. He said that he and Brad are planning on going to the Amazon so he would like to know what she had to say in her book.
Howard read a story about a man who was charged with having sex with a picnic table. He got busted for doing that near a school out in public. He was using the hole where the umbrella goes.
Howard read some e-mail about the story that was in the news last week about how ugly guys are marrying hot women. They used pictures of him in the articles even though he had nothing to do with the study. He said he ended up on another news report on TV because of that. He played the clip where they were talking about how Beth is hot and Howard isn't. They had a panel of people talking about the two of them. One guy was defending Howard saying he had that rock star look of his. Dr. Judy Kurianski was kind of defending him too but it still bothered him that he was on the list.
That report mentioned Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett so Howard said they were really reaching with that one. Robin said that they did say it was for the oddest couples of all time.
Howard asked George if he would be attracted to him if he didn't have Brad. George said that he is faithful so he probably would be.
Howard replayed the interviews that Sal went out and did with women on the streets of New York City about his looks. Most of the women were talking about how ugly Howard was.
Howard said that someone complained about Artie telling the story about his rim job last week. Howard said he'd ask George if he liked that but he thinks he knows the answer to that. George said that its' actually because of anal sex that he got the hemorrhoid. He said that's why he stopped doing that. Howard said that at least he had some fun getting that hemorrhoid. George said that he's healing up back there though and it's just taking some time. He said he uses that Preparation H to help him out.
Howard read some feedback about the Counting Crows appearance from last week. Some people were impressed by their performances. That led to Howard playing a little bit of their stuff for George. He played their ''Round Here'' performance and George said he should have been there for that, he sounds incredible.
Howard read some more feedback about their performances and people were very impressed with what they did. One guy said that tears filled one guys eyes as he was listening to that song. Howard said they only got one negative email so he read that one. The writer thought that Adam was an asshole. Howard said that 99.9 percent of the people thought it was a great performance.
Howard liked the song and asked George what he thought. George said he wished he was there live for that. Ralph called in and said that he thinks that they were horrible. He said that he almost hung up when Howard replayed that song. He said that the bunny costume was lame and Adam crying about everything was really annoying.
Ralph said that the real reason he was calling in was to talk about Artie. He said that Artie was kind of bummed out about the LifeBeat thing last week. He said he thinks that all got to him and that's why he's not there this morning. He said that he probably didn't want to deal with George and all of that stuff. Howard said they'll find out tomorrow if that's the case.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he used to hate the Counting Crows but he liked those performances last week. He also asked if they're still doing that bowling thing for Howard TV. He said that he wanted to challenge Howard to a bowling thing but Howard told him that they're just going to have chicks in bikinis playing.
Howard read through more of the e-mail he got. He had some feedback about Artie on the Donny Deutsch show and how he was looking like Jabba the Hutt. Howard said he thinks that Artie is going to get himself into shape this year. He'll start slowing down on that touring schedule and he'll start to lose some weight. George said that he doesn't think that Artie has the will to do that and he probably won't have the motivation to do that.
Ralph called in and said that he had some breaking news about Kathie Lee Gifford joining the today Show. He said that she was on this morning. Howard said that's old news and it was announced about 2 weeks ago. That led to the guys talking about her for a couple of minutes. Ralph said she wasn't looking too bad either.
Howard read an e-mail about how someone thinks that Lisa G is just waiting for Beth to leave him and that comes across on the radio. Howard wondered if that's true.
Steve said they'll have more on the Kenneth Keith Kallenbach case. He's back in jail. They have an update on Big Foot who is back in a hospital up in Vermont. They also have a story about this woman Laura who had filed charges against High Pitch Eric a few months ago. She's back to hanging out with him and went to a Killers of Comedy show with him over the weekend.
Howard took a call from Double A who said that the show was action packed today. He said he wanted to know when the Iron Sheik show is going to be on Howard TV. Doug Goodstein told him that it will be on tomorrow night. Howard said that he didn't wear his sunglasses during that segment because he was too lazy to get them out of his bag.
Jon Hein came in with his Howard 100 News preview. He ran down the stuff they were going to be discussing a little later today. They're going to be talking about the stuff that George was talking about earlier today. He ended up talking about how tough it was growing up as a gay man and how he didn't come out to his mother until the 1970s. He said he didn't come out publicly until 2005.
The second choice was Howard or the microwave oven. The caller said that Howard was older. Fred thought that he was wrong. Gary said that the microwave is actually older, it was invented in 1947.
Gary then asked what is older, Howard or Meredith Viera. Robin said that she thinks that Howard is older. The caller said it was Howard but he was wrong again. He lost the game. The caller said he really needed that money so Howard gave him one last chance to win.
Gary asked what is older, Howard or double A batteries. He guessed it was the batteries but he was wrong again. Howard just gave the guy the money anyway.
George said that if she's happy she will eventually make peace with her happiness and those words will come out eventually. Howard heard that Robin was very bubbly this morning and saying hello to everyone. Howard asked if he slept over with her last night after going to see the Rolling Stones movie. She said that they went out to dinner before but he didn't come back to her house.
Howard asked if there was any hand holding or anything going on. Robin just laughed. She said that she was happy because she was happy and that's it. George said that maybe it's a big deal to Robin to say something like that on the air. Robin said that Howard got to tell Beth that she loves her off the air. She thinks that he's asking her to do something on the air that he never had to do himself.
Howard sang to Robin and asked her if she loves Jim. She played along and sang back to him. Then George got in on it and started singing along with Howard. Howard sang to himself and asked if he loved Beth. He said he did and continued to sing with the guys. Howard had her move on to her news since she wasn't playing along anymore.
Robin started off her news talking about religion and a story about how there are more Muslims in the world than there are Catholics. Howard said that he's really not for any organized religion. He said that all of these religions sound wacky to him and he finds them all hard to believe. He said it all sounds like such hokum and he can't believe any of it.
George explained that he was born Buddhist and that's more of a philosophy than anything. He said that he doesn't mind the philosophy part but he doesn't go for the ceremonial stuff like so many others do.
Robin said that a woman was forced to remove her nipple rings before boarding a plane in Texas. The guys spent a minute talking about that. Howard said that Ralph had a nipple ring and one of his nips blew up larger than the other after he had it pierced. He said he doesn't get the nipple ring thing and can't imagine why anyone would ruin such a sexy thing as a nipple by piercing it.
Howard talked to Robin about her tattoo and how she probably doesn't even know what it means. She said that she had a Chinese woman tell her that it meant ''star'' as the stars in the sky. Howard said that a lot of people who have those type of tattoos don't even know that they really mean or they think they mean something other than what they actually do.
Robin talked about how Donald Trump is trying to get this Ashley Alexandra Dupré chick to do a reality TV show for him on MTV. She had another story about a prostitution ring that was busted last week.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had some news about this nipple ring story. He said that he heard that the woman had to pull one of the rings out with a pair of pliers because they were fused into her skin.
Howard said that he tried watching a Lindsay Lohan movie over the weekend and it was so bad he couldn't make it more than an hour into it. He said that it was the biggest piece of garbage. Robin said she saw some of that and she fell asleep watching it. She woke up at the end and said she didn't care what had gone on in the middle of it.
Robin read a story about Remy Ma being convicted of shooting someone and how she's waiting for sentencing. She could get up to 25 years in prison. Robin read a story about a 39 year old singer who was found dead in jail.
Robin read a story about the Kid's Choice Awards. Howard said that's a weird show and stars will show up there when they won't show up to other award shows because they know that they have to get kids to go to their movies. She had some audio clips from that show. She had some Miley Ray Cyrus singing ''Girls Night Out'' which just happened to be the same name as Robin's charity group.
Robin had some clips of Cameron Diaz telling the kids at the event to yell out ''We are the future and the future is bright.'' Howard played that a couple of times and talked about how fucking annoying she is. He said it's no wonder she can't hold on to a man.
Robin and Howard talked about Miley Ray Cyrus and how she has changed her name legally to that even though it's not her real name. Howard said that these kids should stick to doing stuff like that when they find that they're good at it. He said the kid who played Napoleon Dynamite is the one who needs to stick to doing that character. He said that he thinks that he's an actor but he's really just good at playing the part of Napoleon Dynamite. He said that George Takei was smart because he stuck with that Star Trek stuff all this time. George said he still does the Star Trek conventions.
Robin had some clips of the Rolling Stones and Martin Scorsesse talking about their new movie. She started to read another story but her phone started to ring and she let out an ''Oh no...'' and turned it off. It had a ring that the guys hadn't heard before. Fred played her old phone ring as they were talking about that.
Robin read a story about a guy who killed his kids and then called the hotel front desk and broke the news to them. She read some news about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. She had a few audio clips that she played. She had some clips of Barack appearing on The View with the women kissing his ass the whole time. She wrapped up her news with a story about the death of Dith Pran a short time later and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
George was talking about Artie not being there this morning and how bad he felt that he didn't show up. He felt that it might be his fault that Artie wasn't there. Gary told George what happened last week when Artie read the bullet points for that PSA that he wants him to read. He said that Artie isn't going to be able to say the stuff in those notes from his heart. It's not going to feel real at all.
George said that he thinks of Don Imus when he thinks about it and now he doesn't want Artie to do the PSA. He said that the word Fag is a very hurtful word and it's like using the N-word. Gary said that Artie doesn't see it that way though. He said that it is hurtful but it's not like the N-word and it can be used in a non-gay way.
George said that when Artie came out to him he was very believable and played the part so well that he figured he'd understand how hurtful that word was. Gary said that Artie really felt bad about pulling that prank on him. He said that he felt like he went over the line with that. George said that he's glad that he did but it shows that he's a great actor. He said that there has to be a grain of truth in that though and he feels that's what was going on with him.
George said that he was hoping that Artie doing that PSA about the word Fag would help get in touch with people out there who wouldn't normally hear about it. He said that Artie is debasing himself when he does this stuff. He said that Artie makes himself look bad when he uses that word.
Gary said that Artie will say those things out of anger but he's really not a mean person and he's not trying to hurt anyone. He just uses them in anger. George said he agrees and it's obvious that he and High Pitch Mike don't get along. He said that it's not a homophobia, it's like throwing spears and darts at each other. He said he knows that deep down Artie is a very caring person.
Jon asked George if he realized that Artie had been out so often when he was there. George said that he didn't realize it until they pointed it out to him this morning. He said that he does think that he is a very unhealthy person. Gary said that being out 10 days in 15 months is a lot, especially when you only work 4 day work weeks.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that when Artie uses those words he knows that it's not really in the way that some people would take it. He said that it's something that a lot of kids use in school and don't mean it in a gay way. George said that a lot of straight people don't think about what it means to gay people but he thought that Artie would be a great role model for stopping it. He said that the education has to happen and they have to let people know that it's wrong.
The caller also said that they have to lay down that law to Artie and make him stop taking so much time off from the show. Gary said that they do have some pretty loose rules for him there and he's not sure they can crack down on him about that.
Ralph called in and said that Temple of Doom was the best of the Indiana Jones movies. He then said that he thinks that Artie is right when he says that the F-word for gay people really isn't like the N-word because most gay people can't beat you up if you use the word. He said that the word can mean that it's just femme or fruity or something like that and it's not that bad. He said that you just want someone to be a man instead of acting all effeminate and then you call them a fag. He said that people call him a fag all the time because he's a stylist. He has to take that crap all the time.
Ralph had some fun talking to George about that and calling him some names in a joking way. Jon took another call from a guy who said that they should ignore Artie's absence and not talk about that with him tomorrow. He said that they've gone over it before and they don't need to keep going over it. He said they shouldn't react to it at all. Gary said that would change the rules of the show though. They wouldn't ignore it if Robin was out. The caller said that it's different with Artie though. Gary said that they don't ignore anything like that on the show. The guys had to go to break a short time later.
Jon played a clip of Iron Sheik talking about being roommates with Beetlejuice for a night one time. Jon wondered why they had him rooming with him. Gary didn't know but said that they should cover those Killers of Comedy shows because there's so much going on behind the scenes.
Will came in and talked about the problem that Sheik had with him when he asked him a question during his pre-interview. He said that Sheik hung up on him when he asked a question about the gay stuff. Then today he got hit in the stomach with a beer bottle during the show today. Gary said that it looked like he was really trying to hurt him with that today. He thought that he would have hit him over the head with that if he had the chance.
Jon asked Richard Christy about his Donald Trump voice that he did today when he called in. Richard said he loves hearing him on the show. He said that he spent a night with him over the weekend and he was just the opposite of what he's like on the air. He slept most of the time back stage.
Jon took a call from a guy who was doing a Hulk Hogan impression talking about the Sheik. another caller said that he feels really bad for using that f-word that George doesn't like. He said that he doesn't use it to call gay people names but he still feels bad about it after hearing today's show.
Gary asked George about his coming out in 2005 and if he had been out before that. He said that they were kind of out already. He talked a little bit about that.
Jon asked George what kind of messages he's gotten from Brad today. George said he hadn't heard anything yet. He said he's sure that Brad would prefer that he didn't reveal all of the stuff he revealed today. Benjy asked him if they ever separated during the 21 years that they've been together. George said that they did split for a short period of time but that made him realize how much he really wanted to be with Brad and didn't want to screw that up.
Jon asked George if he's looking forward to Brad coming on the radio tomorrow. He said that Brad is very frightened to be on tomorrow because he's not the type to be on a radio show like that.
Jon said that Riley was pointing out that Howard is in charge of everything and made it sound like he believes that he put up all of the guys to do what they did to him. Whatever that was. Richard said that they didn't do anything to him at all.
Richard said that they want to tie a fishing string to the back of Riley so they can reel him back off stage when people start booing him. He said he and Sal were laughing their asses off thinking about how funny that would be.
Jim McClure said he got a call from Riley last night where he was going on and on about how Howard had something to do with all of that stuff. Shuli said that Riley thinks that he put that guy who took a picture with him up to doing what he did by grabbing his crotch. Jim said that Riley thinks that Howard had something to do with everything that went wrong and he controls every single thing that goes on there. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how Artie as back with them. They did a test show last night on their ISDN lines too and Artie was on for that. Howard said that they all have microphones in their house and they went on live at 7pm. It was just a test to see if they can do a show from their homes and SIRIUS wanted them to do a test in case there's a disaster and they have to broadcast from their homes.
A phone caller said that was a pleasant surprise to him. He said that Dice was there too. Howard said that was a strange thing going on and he didn't know that Dice was going to be on. He said that Ferrall also came on. He said they got a lot of e-mails about that show too.
Artie said that he thought it was someone doing a Dice impression or something. Ralph was on the phone and he started arguing with Dice and putting him down and stuff like that. He said that it got into a whole thing. Artie said that it's gotten into a thing with Dice where everyone has no problem bashing the guy. Artie said that it seems that it's over for the guy when that kind of thing happens.
Howard said he hadn't been on the SternFanNetwork in a long time so he went on last night and it looked like people enjoyed the show. He said that they were speculating that this was just a test to see how lazy they were. He said that's not the case because he has to be there for Howard TV to film him. He said he likes to come in and do the show live in the studio. He said he would prefer that.
Howard said that he can do the ISDN line thing to call Bubba's show and stuff like that. The whole thing is kind of strange and it's not as spontaneous as doing a regular show. He said that it's not an easy set up to do the ISDN line thing either.
Howard said that it was startling to have Dice on last night. He thinks that the show was a success. The caller asked if Artie didn't come in yesterday because he didn't want to get his balls busted about the Donny Deutsch interview. Artie found that funny.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she had just switched over and found that show when it came on. She said that it sounded good to her and it was a great opportunity to test it out. She said she never thought it was laziness either.
Artie said that Sal was going off on this woman last night after Howard got off the line. He was using the C-word and yelling at her. Howard said that he really abuses his audience. The caller said that she was just talking about how Sal's voice didn't sound quite right and she wasn't really upset with him but he went off on her. Howard said that his anger is displaced and it comes out on the people that it's not really meant for. Howard said that Sal would need therapy to figure out where that anger should go.
Artie said that he's had a cold for about 6 months and the doctor told him that he has to get himself in shape to get rid of it because it's not going to go away by itself.
Artie said that he wasn't going to let anyone talk him into stressful weekends but someone did that this weekend. He said that he's going to get paid really well but he's got to go do all kinds of stuff this weekend. He has to fly out to Los Angeles to go do a show at a casino. The next day he has to go out and do Jimmy Kimmel's show. He said he does another show on Saturday and then fly home.
Howard told him to do less and charge more instead of doing this many things in one weekend. Artie said that his agent kept coming back to him with the Indian Casino thing and he's not sure what the guy is up to making deals. Howard told Artie that he's not the one to blame, Artie has to say no to some of this stuff.
Howard told Artie he has to stick to a plan of only doing a certain number of shows a year and stick to it. Artie said that he is taking off July and August this summer. He's not going to work any comedy shows for those two months.
Scott the Engineer came in and asked Artie what his problem is and why he's bitching. He said that his life can't be that bad. He's getting laid all the time and making money. Artie told Scott that he's a weirdo and he gets mad at stuff out of the blue. Scott told him to go out and start calling more people fags.
George told Artie that he needs more time between engagements and he needs that time. Howard said that Artie hates those lectures and he turns his head from him. He turned back and looked at him as he continued to tell Artie that he has to make more time for himself.
Artie said that this might be some people's worst nightmare for him to be on the line like that. Ralph said that he's not going to get up at 6 o'clock to do this every morning. He said that when he wakes up he'll come on if he wants to. He said that he's getting paid nothing to do this though. He said it's like $1000 a week.
Howard said that Artie agreed to do this PSA thing and George has sent him a script but Artie didn't want to do that. Artie wanted to write it himself. George was talking about what was going on with that and how Artie kept putting it off and now they're not even talking to the people now.
George lectured Artie about the word and how it has a meaning to a lot of people out there that's very offensive. Artie said that he would rather quit the show than stop using that word. He said that he'll do that PSA just to shut George up. He said that he's like a broad and he won't shut up. He said that it seems like people who suck cock just won't shut up. >
Al said hello to Robin and George but his microphone was giving him problems so Howard was getting upset with that.
Al told Howard that he gets up at about 3:30 in the morning and then goes and works out and does some stuff lie that before going to work. Howard said that it looks like he's been able to keep the weight off since he had his gastric bypass surgery. He said that he did well with that but he would not recommend it to other people because it is so dangerous. He said that 1 out of 100 people don't make it after the surgery.
Howard asked Al about the Today Show and how that has been going since Katie Couric left. Al said that the show keeps doing just fine even when people leave. He said that a lot of people have come and gone and it keeps on going.
Howard asked if Al is secretly happy that the show is still doing just fine without Katie. He said that's not the case at all. Al said that he's not like that at all and he could pass a lie detector test if he put him on one. Al was talking about that when Artie broke in and did his Ed Torian impression asking Al if he had ever called Katie a nig*er. There was a second of dead silence after that. Howard told him he was so out of context with that and no one had any idea what he was doing there.
Howard asked Al about how he got his job as the weather man. Al said that he didn't want to be on TV but his professor found him this gig when he was still in college. He said that he was doing the weekend weather and he was directing commercials and stuff at the same time. He was doing anything to just make a buck.
Al said that he left Syracuse and went to Washington DC and got a job there. He said that he was chunky back then but he just kept gaining weight over the years. He said that he wasn't having much luck with the ladies either. He didn't get many chicks in high school and didn't lose his virginity until his sophomore year in college. He said that she was drunk.
Howard said that Al getting the job must have been a surprise to him. Al said that he never thought about doing this job before he got it. He said that a lot of people started out doing the weather but then got ''real'' jobs.
Howard said that it must seem like it's a bad thing when Katie gets a job like she got. He asked if it's hard to stay there and ask for more money. He said that he must want to ask for like 10 million. Al said that he's not sure if he's the highest paid weatherman out there either. He said that he's pretty sure that someone like Sam champion is getting paid more than him.
Gary told Howard that Al's last deal was a $14 million deal for 7 years. He's got a new deal now. Howard talked to him about the 2 million a year and asked him if he would leave that show to make twice as much as he's making now. Al said that he doesn't think about the future, he just worries about what he's doing now. He said he likes Matt Laurer and he likes the other people he works with on the show.
Howard said he likes Matt Laurer too and he's been to his house a couple of times. Al said that's two times more than he's been there. He said he's not much of a Hamptons kind of guy though. Howard said that he thought that Matt was in good shape with his marriage but then he reads that he's splitting up from his wife. He asked Al if he's ever talked to him about that. Al didn't have any details about that.
Howard asked Al if Matt has asked him to come out to that house in the Hamptons. Al said that he's been asked but he's not a big fan of the parties where there are a lot of people so he doesn't go.
Howard asked Al about his production company and how many shows he's produced. He said that it's been maybe 30 or 40 shows and he's very happy doing that. He said that this is what he wanted to do when he was in school so he really likes doing it. Howard asked Al if he ever curses. Al said that he doesn't do so knowingly. He said that he might talk dirty at home a little bit. Howard asked him if he ever uses the C-word. Al said that he might do that on occasion.
Al said that he doesn't watch porn. He said that he doesn't do that because he's afraid. Afraid of getting caught. Howard said that he'd be really surprised if he found out that Al was into hookers like Elliot Spitzer was because you just don't expect that from Al.
Robin asked how Al picked up women. She asked if he was in the clubs and stuff like that. Sal said he picked them up in grocery store aisles. He said he's actually seen Robin in a grocery store.
Howard asked Al about his weight loss a little more. Al said that he still sees that fat guy in the mirror when he looks at himself. Howard asked him if he had a lot of extra skin when he lost the weight. Al joked that the extra skin was used to make Tiki Barber. The guys thought that was pretty funny.
Gary had some notes about Al and read some of the stuff that went on after the surgery. He had some dumping syndrome and had problems puking, and shitting afterward. Artie joked that he's had that all his life. Gary said that Al's wife says that his weight was the cause of many arguments. Howard asked if his weight loss saved his marriage. Al said that it did not.
Howard asked Al about this new show he has coming out called ''D.E.A.'' Al told Howard about some of the other shows he's done and how he had done this one show for Court TV and then came up with this show that's going to be on Spike TV. They followed DEA Agents in Detroit for about 6 months and made a reality show out of it. The crews had to wear flak jackets and equipment when they were going around with the agents. He said that they show everything and it's never been seen before. He said that it starts this Wednesday night on Spike at 11pm.
Howard said that it sounds like an interesting show to him and he's surprised that they let them film these people. Al said that they do blur out some people and it seems like it's scripted but it's really not. Howard said that it's getting some good reviews so far. Al said that they're very happy with the reviews.
Howard talked about how happy Al always seems to be. He said that he does have sadness though. Al said that he lost his mother about 3 months ago and he was very sad about that. His father died about 7 years ago.
Al said that he has a 21 year old daughter, a 9 year old daughter and a 5 year old son now too. He said he had to get going after that so Howard wrapped up and gave him some more plugs for his new show.
Al asked Howard if he would go out to dinner with him and his wife. Howard said that he would love to do that. He said that he thought that Al was angry with him so he didn't know that he'd want to go out with him. Howard said he went to that party that time and saw Al there and thought that he hated him. Howard said that he thought that Gayle King hated him but she turned out to be a fan. Then he saw Spike Lee and Al standing there and figured he should avoid that side of the room. He thought that Al was very stand offish that night but Al said that Howard was the one who just mumbled to him and didn't talk to him. Howard wrapped up and went to break after Al joked that he wouldn't recommend anyone getting the gastric bypass until he saw Artie, then he said that he would recommend it to him. They went to break a short time later.
Another caller told Ralph that so many people hate him and he knows that people are going to complain about him. Howard said that he had to finish up his commercial after that. He ran through that real quick and then Ralph threw in a comment so Howard told him that he really is annoying.
Howard had George do a quick announce for them. He did an announcement about Artie being related to Mayor McCheese.
Howard said that they were talking about this PSA that George wanted Artie to do about the word ''fag.'' High Pitch Mike did an open letter thing to George demanding that he not let Artie do this PSA. George said that Artie has to do it in a way that's believable but Artie doesn't think that he can do that.
Howard played the High Pitch Mike clip where he talks about how Artie really doesn't want to do this PSA. He said that Artie has no right doing it. He talked about some of the other people who have done PSAs for the Human Rights Campaign and Artie has no business doing it. He played a bunch of clips of Artie talking about how he doesn't want to do it and never has.
Artie laughed through the whole clip. Howard said that was a very powerful clip right there. George said that he thinks that both Mike and Artie are on opposite sides and they both need to calm down. Mike said that his hate isn't toward a whole group of people. Artie told him he's a weirdo. Mike said that Artie's humor stops being humor at a certain point.
Mike said that he can't even make eye contact with Artie. Artie asked him what he was looking at right now. He told him he was a blotchy faced weirdo and Ralph was laughing his ass off on the ISDN line.
Artie said that he hates Mike and that doesn't mean that he hates gay people if Mike claims he's not gay. Howard said that it sounds like Artie is just saying he dislikes Mike, not gay people. George told them that they need to find a way to come together. He used a French term to say that and knew that he had used the wrong word.
Howard asked Mike if he thinks that he and Artie could find a way to smooth things over. Ralph was still giggling over the ISDN line.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he did some I Hate Ralph shirts a while back and his head just about exploded when he heard that Ralph was on. Then he realized what the date was. He knew it was a joke after that.
Another caller said that AT&T had written an apology letter for inventing the ISDN line because of this Ralph thing this morning.
Howard said that he was really annoyed by Ralph's laughing and it was making him nuts so he had to bring a stop to it. Howard told Ralph it was a great joke and let him go. He said he knew it would drive people nuts, he didn't know it was going to drive him nuts.
Howard took some more calls and the fans seemed to think it was a pretty funny joke. Artie said that even he was fooled by it and though they were really going to do that.
Mike said that he gave Fred a clip of something to play because talk like this can really lead to people getting hurt. Artie told Mike that he's a bozo which made Howard laugh. Mike said he can't believe that Howard would laugh at something like that. Howard said that they two of them are funny arguing this way. Mike then made a comment about Artie's father falling off the ladder and how he had a choice to do that. Artie laughed at that comment.
Mike said that he had a clip from a talk show that they'd recognize. It turned out to be a clip from Ellen Degeneres' show where she talked about the death of a 15 year old boy who was killed for being gay. Mike said that this is what the gay bashing can lead to. Howard said that Ellen was more upset about the dog she gave away.
Howard told Mike that he's just as vicious toward Artie as Artie is to him. He asked if they wanted to have some closure. Mike said that he would stop saying things about Artie and Artie said he would stop too.
Howard said that he was told that Mike was seen coming out of a movie with another man the other day. Mike said that was just a friend of his. Howard said that as soon as someone sees him with a man they call the news and tell them that they saw him out with a man.
Howard said that they have a song that Mike performed about Artie. He sings about him being a fatso, a drug user and then tells him to fall off his roof and follow his dad. Howard said that was pretty bad. Mike said he was going to take the high road today. Then Artie told him that he's going to take the Hershey highway today and Mike backed off.
Howard said that he's tried to broker the peace there but it goes both ways. He said that he wanted to get an agreement between the two of them. Mike said that they had a truce a few months ago but that was broken and the two of them have broken it a few times.
Artie said that he thinks that Mike has a lack of intelligence and he needs to find someone else to speak for him. Mike said something about Artie using drugs on a Sunday night and not being able to come into work and George tried to get the two of them to stop. He said that they need Colin Powell to come and mediate this.
Mike was wearing a charity shirt for this Matthew Sheppard fund thing. That led to Artie asking him how he's going to be able to donate money. Mike said there are other ways to help other than giving money and he's going to bring awareness to the charity.
George said that Artie has so believable when he came out to him that he thinks that he could do that for the PSA. Artie asked Mike if he had anymore daytime talk shows to play for them today. Mike said that Ellen's show is more successful than anything that Artie has done. Howard tried to stop the two of them from getting into more of a fight and called an end to this whole thing. He let Mike go and said that he hopes that they can open up more of a dialog in the future.
George said that he hopes that they've cleared up that Mike is not gay. Artie said that he can go to as many movies as he wants with as many guys as he wants.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. They played a Blue Iris voice mail real quick before getting to her. Artie had been doing his impression of her a minute before that.
Lisa G got to her news preview and said that she has spoken to Dr. Keith Ablow about Artie missing a day of work. He said that Howard should be giving him some tough love. Howard said ''fuck him'' and said that Artie went to the doctor and he was really sick. That should be a wake up call for him and he should be losing weight to get over this illness of his. Lisa said that Dr. Keith doesn't know why Artie missed work but he said that they might have to have him drug tested.
Lisa said she spoke to the author of the book that was dedicated to Howard. She'll have more on that later. The guys ended up doing their Blue Iris impressions again for a minute.
Howard had this guy Joe the Clown on the phone saying that he was upset with Artie using the word ''bozo'' to describe Mike earlier. Lisa ran through a couple more things that she had coming up and then Howard went to commercial break.
Blue told Howard that she met Ron in a doctor's office when she was 17. Howard heard that wasn't the real story and Blue was ready to kill Ron when he said he would tell them the real story. Howard cut her off as she was about to tell that story and asked Blue about the peeing problem she talked about in the voice mail they played a little earlier. She said that she wasn't able to pee that day and that wasn't funny that day.
Howard asked how Blue and Ron met. Ron said that they did meet at the doctor's office but it was a gynecologist's office. Blue said that she met him there and both of them had been divorced when they met again. Blue said that she lost a baby because she was bi-polar and Ron was the man who adopted the baby. She said that she had some very complicated things going on in her life at the time.
Ron said that he hadn't kept in touch with Blue after he adopted the child but Blue found him. They ended up getting married and have been for 25 years. Ron said that nothing that Blue does upsets or surprise him so he doesn't have a problem with her being in porn.
Howard asked Ron why they're not married and having sex. Ron said that he never said they stopped having sex. Gary said that Ron actually has some porn out there too. Howard asked about that and found out that he had been with a 21 year old. Ron said that she was actually 18.
Howard said that Blue and Ron have been together for a long time and he wondered if they really knew each other. Ron said that no one can know everything about Blue. Howard said that his money is on George Takei and Bad but he wishes Blue and Ron luck.
Howard went to George and Brad and spoke to the two of them for a short time. He asked Brad if he heard the show yesterday. Brad said that he did. He said that he heard George say that he was kept on a short leash but now he realizes he has to make it even shorter. He said that he didn't know about the porn and the masturbation thing. He said he never really worried about it until yesterday.
Howard said that this was fascinating to him because it's almost as if Brad is mothering George when he tells him not to do the masturbation thing. Brad said that he just doesn't think about doing stuff like that.
Howard asked Brad if he felt betrayed when he found George masturbating. Brad said that he thinks he blacked out after that and can't remember it. George said that he finds out more about Brad all the time and thinks that he really only knows 50 percent of him. He said that he gets very upset with him over certain things and he changes.
Howard told Brad about the masturbation stories that George was telling yesterday. Brad was saying that he does masturbate as well. George said that he did not know that. Howard asked why he disapproves of George doing it then. Brad said that he doesn't disapprove of it, he just doesn't go there and doesn't discuss it. He said that he and George have a good sex life and they enjoy the intimacy.
Brad said that he does think of other men and he threw in a plug for HotMovies.com saying that's where he goes for the porn.
Howard said that no one in the room believes that Evil Dave's girlfriend is really his girlfriend. Her name is Angie and Howard told him that if he's going to stage something, he should do it with someone that they'd believe. Howard said that he had to bust him on this because Sal had met his real girlfriend and this wasn't her.
Howard said that they're doing a bit there with couples and he can't just bring a stranger in with him. Dave said that she's not a stranger. He said that they started going out in July and have been going out ever since. Howard told her to make out with him right then if they were really dating. Angie didn't want to do it and Artie said that she looked horrified, as if she was watching a beheading on Al Jezera.
Howard said that they can't go through with this and he knows that he's not dating this chick. Dave stuck with his story though. Howard told him that this was the worst thing he could have done to him today. They had this couples thing set up today and he was screwing it up.
Gary said that they have spoken to Dave about his girlfriend before and he's said that she works with him. This girl was asked if she works with him and she said that she didn't. She then said that she used to work with him.
Howard told Dave to swear to God that she was his real girlfriend. Dave swore on the life of his kids that she was and that they had been going out for 9 months. Sal came in and asked Dave who the woman was that he met. Dave said that she was just a friend who wanted to meet some people on the show. She was the one who wanted to push the chocolate stuff on the show. Sal said that she swore that she was his girlfriend but now Dave has this hot chick there.
Ralph was back on and told Dave to get out of there. He said it was obvious that they weren't a couple when they made out. Howard said that they were going to go on with this game even if Dave wasn't really going out with her.
Howard asked Angie if she's in love with Dave. She said that she was getting there. Sal said that he didn't believe that she would make out with him again but when Howard asked them to do it again, they went right in and made out. Sal said he had to hand it to them. Howard said that he was now convinced.
Howard said it was time to play the game. they were going to ask the spouses of the famous people to leave and they were going to go through some questions and have the spouses match up. The winners will get $5,000 courtesy of HotMovies.com.
Howard said that George has already learned something today and that was the fact that Brad masturbates. George didn't know that until today.
Howard asked the first question which was ''When you orgasm, where does the sperm go?'' He asked Dave that question. He said that he would have to say ''not in the throat'' because she's a clean freak. Artie and Robin were laughing their asses off about that. Dave then said that he'd have to say ''off to the side... on the bed.'' Robin wondered why he was guessing at his answer.
Howard asked George the same question and he said ''it goes in his mouth and then he rushes to the bathroom and spits it out and gargles with Listerine.'' Howard asked if he was upset about him not swallowing. George said that he's fine with it. He said that he does the same for Brad and then they cuddle. He doesn't swallow either.
Blue Iris said that the sperm goes in her mouth as well. She threw in a plug for an upcoming show as they were asking her about swallowing. She said she does swallow as well.
Howard asked George what his partner's favorite sexual position is. George said that it's him laying on his back while he sucks him off. George said that he finishes himself off and then he goes to the bathroom and comes back and throws himself on top of him. The guys got some laughs out of that and wondered if he could get into more details.
Blue Iris said that her man's favorite position is doggy style. Evil Dave said that his girl's favorite is the missionary position. Artie said ''Missionary Impossible.''
Howard asked blue what she would change about her partner if she could. She said ''everything'' and then said that she'd give him more energy and good health. Howard asked Dave what he would change. Dave said that she gets a little bossy once in a while. George said that Brad is the same way and he has to agree with Dave about that one.
Howard asked Dave what his girl likes to be called while having sex. He said ''My little extra Christmas.'' George said that it was ''Oh Bradder.'' Blue said that it would be ''The governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.'' She said that she was kidding and he doesn't like to be called anything. She settled with ''Ronnie.''
Howard asked George how many sexual partners his partner has had. George said he knows of at least 3 but he's not sure how many before him. He said he was going to stick with 3. Howard scratched the question because it was so unclear.
Howard asked George what annoys him most about his partner. George said that it's his high voice when he's yammering at him. Blue said that Ron always puts his foot in his mouth. Dave said that it's that his girl is a perfectionist. Artie thought he was going to say that she always calls the cops.
Howard asked George who Brad would like to have sex with. He said Brad Pitt. Blue said that she didn't have any idea who Ron would like to be with. She didn't have an answer. She threw in Britney Spears. Dave said that Angie would say Brad Pitt as well.
Howard had the guys bring in the spouses and mentioned HotMovies.com again. Blue threw in another plug for a show she had coming up. Artie told Angie that if she blinked 3 times real fast they would get her help.
Howard went to Dave and Angie and asked Angie for her answers. Her answer to ''When your partner orgasms, where does the sperm go?'' was ''In me.'' Howard said that was not a match and it goes on the bed. Dave said he didn't want to get her in trouble. Howard asked how he could get that one wrong. Howard asked Brad for his answer on that first question. Brad said that it goes in him, in his mouth. He had a match. Howard told Brad that he would spit it out too if he were Brad. Ron said that his sperm goes in Blue's mouth and he got a match as well.
Howard went to the second question which was ''What's your partner's favorite sexual position?'' and Brad said that he wasn't sure how to describe it. He said he likes lying next to George in bed, on his side. Howard said that wasn't a match. Ron said that he likes all fours and got a match. Angie said that her favorite was missionary and got a match.
Howard moved on to the third question which was ''If you could change one thing about your partner, what would it be?'' Howard asked Ron for his answer first. Ron thought and said that it would be the arguing. He didn't match. Angie said that it would be about her being too bossy and got another match. Howard said that looks like a real couple right there. Brad said that he kvetchs, or argues, too much. George said that he was too controlling so they didn't give them the match.
Howard went to the next, and final, question. The question was ''Name something your partner likes to be called during sex.'' Ron was up first and said that it would be ''Oh you Ron.'' He was wrong and didn't match. Howard went to Angie next. Angie said that he said that she calls her ''My Little Extra Christmas'' and got a match. Robin said that she didn't believe this for a second and they had to have gotten the questions ahead of time. Brad got his ''Bradder'' correct as well but Dave and Angie had won.
Everyone was blown away by Dave and Angie's win. Robin said this had to be an April Fools joke but Howard said that it really wasn't. Howard told George and Brad that they have to break up and they really don't belong together.
Howard said that it looks like Dave and Angie are really a couple and apologized to them for not believing them earlier. Brad and George were still going back and forth about some of their answers so Howard told them to talk about it in the break.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and gave them their plugs. Blue let out a nasty sounding cough during the plugs so Artie said that sounded like the remnants of a blow job from 1948 coming out.
Howard asked Angie about what she loves most about Dave's heart. She said it was his heart. Howard congratulated them on their win. Dave said that he was going to come out to see Artie out in Chicago when he's there. He said he'd prove to Sal that she was really his ''numero uno.''
Gary asked what the age difference is between Angie and Dave. Dave said that he's 49 and Angie is 28. Gary said that they were talking to Dave on the Wrap Up Show a few months ago and he was saying that he has to sneak out of the house to see his girlfriend. Dave said that he has to give his kids their privacy and he doesn't want to bother them with their friends staying over. Gary said that he could just say he was going out and leave them home alone.
Gary wondered why Dave would sneak out of the house like that. Dave didn't have an answer for that. Blue answered for him and said that you have to conceal the relationship when you have kids. Robin asked Dave what time he sneaks out. Dave said it would be around 11 or 12 at night.
Howard thanked all of the couples and Blue threw in another plug for her show The Twisted View on Gary Garver's web site. He sounded like he was going to go to break but had to ask Dave more questions about sneaking out of the house. Artie asked if he sneaks out so the kids don't see him taking Angie out of his trunk. He said he wasn't sure if he should be happy for them or call the authorities. Howard said he was happy for the two of them.
Howard asked Angie if she's a citizen or if she's looking for citizenship. He was just kidding about that. They wrapped up and went to break after that.
Jose was supposed to be on the show yesterday but he flew in on the Red Eye and didn't get in on time. He did Letterman's show last night after doing a couple of radio shows. He said he didn't get much sleep last night though.
Howard asked Jose about walking off a show on WFAN yesterday. He said that they were bringing up some gossip stories about him so he bailed out of the show. He said that they were insulting his ex-wife Jessica and he didn't want to deal with that so he hung up on them.
Howard said that Jose's wife was on the show one time saying that he basically didn't have any balls and he never gave her an orgasm. Jose said that wasn't cool and two wrongs don't make a right so he's not going to bad mouth her today. He said that he's pretty sure that he's given her an orgasm though.
Artie said he's never been in the room when a woman has had an orgasm so he wouldn't know, but he figures that you'd know it if she did have one. Jose thinks that his wife was exaggerating and she was just angry at him for cheating on her.
Howard said that in Jose's new book, ''Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and the Battle to Save Baseball,'' he says that A-Rod was trying to steal his wife. Jose said that's what he still believes. He said that he remembers him looking at her and telling him how hot she was. He said that he found A-Rod's number on her beeper so he asked her about that. He said he found out later that they had actually gotten together. Howard said that really sucks and that's the lowest thing a guy can do to another man.
Jose said that he spoke to Jessica about the story and she kind of admitted to it so maybe they should have her back on the show and ask her about it.
Howard said that he can't imagine a guy doing that to another guy and bang a buddy's girl. He said it was like he wanted Jose's life and that's why he did it. Jose said that he told A-Rod that he was going to make it big and A-Rod didn't even believe it at the time. He knew that the guy was going to be great and he doesn't blame the guy for trying to get his girl.
Jose said that he was stupid for cheating on Jessica because she was so beautiful. He said that women were throwing themselves at him and it was just insane. He said that these girls were paying off security at hotels to sneak into his room.
Howard said that he had that happen to him too. He said that he had a famous actress in his room when he went back one time. He said he had actually given her the key though so that was a little different there. He said that she was a famous actress but didn't want to give any other details about who it was.
Howard asked Jose about why he can't get any size at the gym and wondered if he could get something if he took steroids. Jose said that he would be about 275 pounds and a body builder if he had taken them. Howard said he wished that he had taken them when he was younger instead of doing the LSD and stuff. Howard asked Jose if he misses the juice. He said he doesn't.
Howard asked Jose about the girl he brought with him today. Jose said that's a girl he's seeing now. Howard asked him if he ever wants his wife back. Jose said that he knows he screwed up and he would like her back.
Howard asked Jose about the kind of money he's making now. Jose said that he's got enough that he doesn't have to work but it's not the kind of money he was making years ago. Howard said that it looks like he's not a very good businessman. Jose said that he's really not. He said he's made some bad investments. He talked about a few of the things that he lost money in.
Jose said that he's so angry with Major League Baseball that he got rid of everything related to it. He feels that they treated him the wrong way and he really hates them for that.
Howard asked to see this broad that Jose is banging. He had the guys bring her in. Jose told him to ask her if she's ever had an orgasm. The guys brought in Jose's girlfriend and Jose said he knew they were going to bring her in. She said that she's part Asian. Howard said that her boobs didn't look Asian to him because they looked pretty big. Artie said that out of the two Asians in the room, he was next to the wrong one.
Robin asked how long they've been together. The girlfriend, Heidi, said it was close to 2 years. Howard asked if she gets an orgasm from him. She said that he does give her an orgasm. She said she wasn't lying about that either. She said that his balls might not be normal sized but they aren't that small.
Howard heard that Jose can't get it up but the girlfriend said that he can. Howard said that this girl is lovely and if Jose can't get it up, he can.
Howard got back to Jose and asked him about not being able to hang out with the guys he used to play with. Jose said that he still has nightmares about it and it has left a big void in him. He said he has dreams about playing and really misses it.
Howard asked Jose about the rumor that he won't get his advance for this new book until he does a certain amount of promotion for it. He said that's true and it's a standard thing to make sure he shows up for the appearances.
Howard asked Jose about his Martial Arts expertise and got some details about what he knows. He said that he can do some pretty cool moves. Howard got back to Heidi and told her that he wants to start texting her like A-Rod was doing.
Howard said he was going to take some phone calls but ended up talking to Jose about the way the game has changed since this steroid thing came out. Howard mentioned that he's going to be out signing his book at a couple of different places. You can find out more at JoseCanseco.com
Ralph called in and gave Jose some styling advice. He said that he was dressed very gay when he saw him at a gym out in California one time. He said that everyone was laughing at him there. Howard asked if that was true and his work out gear was kind of effeminate. Jose said that's not true. Gary said that Ralph is such a pussy that he's calling in from the other room instead of coming into the studio.
Irish John called in and told Jose that he ruined the game. He said that the 'roids have been in the game for along time and they're ruining the game by bringing this stuff out. He told Jose that he's a fuckin pussy. Jose said that he can't answer a low life like that and told Howard to get him off the air. Howard hung up on John.
Howard went to another call from a guy who asked Jose if he's afraid he's going to get cancer 10-15 years down the line. Jose said that it is 10-15 years after he started doing them and he doesn't have anything yet. He said that maybe in another 10-15 years he'll get something. He said that there are other things that are linked to cancer and they're not illegal.
A caller said that he was Pat Jordan and both Jose and Heidi knew who he was and told Howard about an article that he had written about Jose and her. Heidi said that he claimed that Jose was supposed to do an interview with him but he never did have one scheduled. Jose and Pat went back and forth arguing about who was right about the interview that was set up. Jose said that he was supposed to get the cover of the magazine to do the interview and claims that he told Pat that he wasn't going to do it if he didn't get the cover.
Jose wondered why the guy was even calling because he had nothing to say. Howard let Pat go and got back to Jose's book. He talked to Jose and Heidi about possibly getting married some day. Heidi said that she thinks that he's kind of crazy and it's not the right time to get married. She said that he has a lot going on in his life right now.
Another caller told Howard that he saw Jose on Letterman last night and it looked like he had camel toe down below because he has no balls. Jose said that his girlfriend calls that Moose Knuckle and just laughed.
Howard asked Jose about the steroid use and if he thinks that it was cheating. Jose said that he would probably consider that cheating but he didn't mean for it to be cheating. He went about things the wrong way.
Howard asked Heidi if she thinks A-Rod is hot. She said no and she would not have sex with him. Howard asked Jose if he would. Jose said no to that as well. He said that he has had men come on to him before but he's never given into that.
Artie asked if most of the homosexual players are on the Mets. Gary yelled out that it wasn't true. Gary came in and gave Jose his book and had him read a line that he had in there about Matt Laurer being an asshole. Jose said he didn't remember writing that earlier so Gary was pointing out that it was actually in the book.
Howard gave Jose some more plugs for his book and the book signing appearances he was making. He told Heidi he was glad that she came in and he'd like to call her his ''Little Extra Christmas'' (Referring to Evil Dave's earlier comments). Howard guessed that Heidi was a 34-C and she said that was about right but she might be a D. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Lou Dobbs from CNN was on talking about Barack Obama and he was about to say something like ''I'm sick and tired of these cotton pickin'...'' and he stopped himself after the word cotton. He played the clip and the guys spent a minute goofing on that. Howard said that the term is from Bugs Bunny cartoons and not a racial slur. He said that Benjy looked it up and found out that it wasn't meant as a racial slur. Benjy said that some sources say that but there are others who say that it was a racial slur and they just got recorded in the cartoons first. The guys talked about how those cartoons weren't politically correct.
Howard said that Beth told him that Jason Itzler was on The View yesterday and two of the girls weren't even looking at him. He said that comes off as kind of hypocritical to him. He said that they were having him on the show and talking to him so it was like he was their pimp too. He said that if you call people on to berate them, he doesn't understand that.
Artie said that they brought Amy Fisher on and that kind of turned his stomach. Howard said that it did that to him too but he was interested in talking to her even if he was sickened by her. He said that the women on The View were attacking the guy and it was kind of strange. He said that they were having the guy on to talk about the girl that they were accusing him of pimping out and it was like they were participating in it by having him on.
Howard played a clip from The View where Jason Itzler mentioned his name. Jason was talking about his escort business and then about this girl who Elliot Spitzer had been with. Jason told them that he couldn't say what it was that she was so good at that made her so great. Jason said that he talked about that on Howard Stern and couldn't talk about it on their show.
George said that Howard's show is a truth telling show and that's why people like that can come on there. Howard said that they're just hypocritical over there at The View by having him on and talking to him about pimping out this girl.
George congratulated Howard on the Department of Justice approval for the merger. Howard told him that they still need the FCC approval. Artie said it might be another 10 years before they get that answer.
Howard said that he thinks that this girl, Ashley Dupré, could still make out big with this story if it's played right. The Elliot Spitzer thing has gotten boring but people want more details so maybe she can do really well.
Howard said that Hulk Hogan has been out with a new chick lately and she looks very much like his daughter Brooke. He played a clip from TMZ where they played audio of some reporters yelling out Brooke's name thinking that it was actually her.
Howard played some clips from the test show they did last night. In the clip Howard didn't know what channel they were on. He said he was in his closet doing the show. They had Gary, Jon Hein, Sal, Richard, Benjy and Fred and his daughter. Fred was playing with some of the sound effects that he has on his daughter's computer.
Artie even made it to the air on that special test show. Howard said that it was like doing a pirate radio broadcast. He read some mail about the show and people seemed to like what they heard. Everyone was surprised to hear them on the air at that time. Howard said that he may do a show from home one day and take some phone calls just for the hell of it. He said it might be worthwhile to do that once in a while. Howard said he thinks he'll do that. Robin kept saying ''We'll see...'''
Howard said he'd like to do that when his parents are over or something like that. He said he's not sure how easy it would be to pop onto the air though.
Howard read through more of the e-mail he got about the test show and it was all pretty cool. Robin said that Howard may start doing those home shows if he has a kid with Beth.
Steve said that Danny Bonaduce is saying that he would come on the show to do a fight with Bob Levy if they set something up. Steve said they also have a story about Artie's movie ''Beer League'' coming out on Blu-Ray disc. Artie didn't even know what that was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thought the ISDN line show was great and it was very cool to hear it last night. Howard said that there were a couple of technical things he'd like to work out. He wants some compression on his microphone. Scott the Engineer said that he thinks that they can do that.
One caller asked why they didn't tell them that they were doing that show. Howard said he wasn't sure how long it was going to last and he also likes that they can surprise people with shows like that. He said they got caught up in talking about a bunch of stuff that wasn't planned and it went on longer than they thought it would. The caller said that he'd appreciate a heads up.
Howard said that he doesn't want any expectations from people about doing the ISDN shows. He said that he'd prefer not to announce it ahead of time.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview next. He ran down the stuff that they were planning on covering today. That led to the guys talking about Evil Dave and his girlfriend Angie. Robin said that should be the picture for the mismatched couples in the world.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he liked the show last night. He said that he thought that Adam did pretty good last night on Dancing with the Stars. Howard said that he did very well but he isn't a dancer. He said that the judging on that show is really messed up. He said that Priscilla Presley is being introduced as a actress and business woman and that really upsets him. He said that no business person is introduced as a business person. He said that's like a cry out for attention and validation.
Howard said that the woman that Adam is dancing with on that show is known for wearing next to nothing but with Adam she's dressing like his mother. He said that Adam even mentioned that last night. He said that she was all covered up and Adam said it was a sham that she was covering up her great body.
Howard talked about some of the other people on that show and how he has no idea who the one guy who danced so well.
Howard got back to some e-mail and someone complained about the microphones that they have in the other parts of the building. The writer said that its' only funny when Gary uses it, not Will and the Howard TV guys. Howard said that he likes it and he's going to keep doing it.
Howard had some mail about Artie being out sick. Some people think that he wasn't being truthful about his illness. Artie also missed out on the ''Shine a Light'' movie that Robin went to see. Howard missed it too and said that he heard from some other people that the movie wasn't all that great. Robin thought it was great and said that the Stones rocked very hard in the movie.
Howard read some more mail about Artie being out and George Takei coming in. People were upset with Artie over the whole thing. He read through a bunch of similar e-mails about how he should be coming to work every day and not missing so many days.
Some people were happy that Artie was out. There were some who thought the show was better without him. Some people told him to take the whole week off. Howard said that George has been getting a lot of praise as usual. He read through a couple of those e-mails as well.
Howard said that Artie revealed that he's dating someone last night on that show they did. Artie said that he's not really committed to the girl.
Howard read some more feedback about George and someone wrote in about how William Shatner had a building named after him at a college. George said that he's not sure if Bill has given them much money but that's usually how one gets a building named after them.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about Riley Martin's outburst on the show. He read some of that. There were people telling him to let Riley go already and not renew his contract. While he was going through that Robin's cell phone rang, just like it did yesterday. Robin said that it's ridiculous that they're calling her during the show like that.
Howard said that someone said that the Iron Sheik should have his own show but others couldn't stand him on the air.
Robin started off with a story about an Indian baby that was born with two faces and how they're praying to it over there in India. Howard wondered if it would get one dot on the head or two. He said he was serious and wanted to know for real. He didn't know if it was two people or just one. The guys spent a few minutes talking about the two faced baby.
Robin said that she had a picture of the two faced baby and she didn't think that there could be two brains in there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie looks like he has two faces. Artie admits that he has 8 chins. The caller went on to say that they should do something about Robin's phone ringing and maybe Liquid Ass her like Bubba does on his show. Robin said that she's not going to do that and she won't strip down either. That led to Artie talking about how bad that Liquid Ass smells. He said that Bubba gave him a quick smell and it was horrible.
Howard said that maybe they could shock Benjy when Robin's phone rings. She said she could deal with that. Artie said they should shock Benjy when he's out too. He said he'd see Benjy on Monday after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that the dot on the forehead is just for decoration and it would be per person, not per forehead. Howard said that he thinks that it should be for the two different forehead. Robin said that the baby doesn't even have a name yet. She said she had to show Howard a picture. Howard checked it out and said ''Wow, look at that!'' and described it as looking like when a cartoon character shakes it's head. Everyone in the studio checked it out and talked about how strange it looked. Howard said that in school they could call her four eyes. The baby had 4 eyes. Artie said that they could do a Doublemint commercial, if they're still doing them.
Robin read a story about a woman who was attacked by two cheetahs over the weekend. She read through that but Howard was still reading more about the two headed baby. He read that they thought she was a reincarnation of the god Ganesh which is half person and half elephant. Artie said he hopes that she's not in pain. Robin wondered what kind of pain she'd be in.
Robin read a story about a guy in Washington State who is taking pictures of women's feet as he's claiming to be a reflexology student. Howard talked about how creepy it is to be into feet. That led to Sal coming in and telling a story about his friend who will jerk off onto his wife's feet when she falls asleep. He said that it's not him, it's really a friend of his.
Robin read a story about a list of the most over exposed celebrities out there. She read the top few people on the list but Howard's name wasn't up there. Howard said that he is on the list somewhere.
Robin talked about the price of gas hitting a new high. That led to them talking about taxing fuel and cigarettes and how high the price of cigarettes has gotten now. Artie said that there are a lot of SIRIUS employees outside the building smoking all the time.
Robin asked Howard what he would do if he saw a person collapse in front of him. He said he'd leave them there and hope that someone else would come along and do something. Howard said that he'd pull out a cell phone but he won't touch another person that collapses. You can get sued for doing something wrong and he's not going to take that chance.
Robin read a story about the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son and how they found that he had overdosed on drugs. Robin had some audio clips that she played for that story.
Robin had a story about the congestion charges they're thinking about charging in the city. They're going to be charging people $8 to enter the city on weekdays. Howard said he's not sure about that and he'd be worried about restaurants that have to do business.
Robin read some news about Dancing with the Stars and had some clips of Adam Carolla's partner Julianne Hough talking about how things are going. Howard said that she must really be repulsed by Adam and that's why she won't get dressed a little sexier on the show.
Robin said that Chelsea Clinton is being asked more and more about Monica Lewinsky. She's still refusing to answer them. She had some audio of her refusing to answer. Howard said that he doesn't think it's cool to bother her with those questions while she's out on the campaign trail, but then again, he would probably ask her the same stuff if she came in there.
Robin read a story about Kathie Lee Gifford joining the Today Show. Howard said that he's not a fan of hers but he figures they're trying to get a little attention over there and that's why they hired her. He played some audio of her talking to the other girls on the show and then talked about how no one cared when she walked off the Regis and Kathie Lee show. Now she's hungry for the spotlight again.
Artie was joking about how the show was going on very long today. Robin said that she was going to punish Artie for not showing up yesterday by keeping him there late.
Robin ran through a couple more stories and wrapped up. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Jon told Ralph that he loved that he called in from the other room instead of going in and confronting Jose Canseco. Ralph said it was easier to do it that way, he wasn't hiding from him.
Jon ran through the stuff they were going to talk about today. He mentioned the Scott the Engineer thing that went down with Artie today and Gary said that Scott claimed that was his April Fools joke today. He said that he really shouldn't do comedy.
The guys said that Scott does that whenever he pulls that kind of stuff. He'll claim he was just joking if he gets all worked up about something. Gary said that he actually believes that it was a joke. Scott came in a short time later. Gregg from Howard TV was the one who told them about it even though he promised to keep it a secret.
Scott said that he was just kidding and he may have gone too far with the yelling. He said that he really doesn't have to bitch so much. He said that Artie's life doesn't suck that much. He said he was bitching about going to do gigs and he's getting paid more in one night than some people do in 2 years.
Scott said that there was no bit there and said that Gregg is a dick for telling them that there was a bit. He said that he wasn't as angry as it seemed but he does think that Artie should stop bitching about working. Gary said that they were talking about Scott and how much he's been bitching lately. He had stopped for a while but he's getting back to it now.
Gary said that he does agree with Scott about some of that bitching. He said that Artie is just talking about his life though and that's what they do on the show. Scott said he knows that and he's the first one to bitch and moan. He said that Artie's bitching can get to be a bit much though.
Scott said there really wasn't a bit there with that blow up. He said he was pretty serious with that. Jon thanked Scott for clarifying nothing and thanked him for trying. Ralph asked him to ''hang up'' on him. Jon let Scott go after that.
Jon played the clip where Howard got tired with Ralph and ended the joke. The guys talked about how some of the guys in the back knew it was a joke and they actually ran around the halls looking for Ralph. Jon said he got a clue the other day when he saw a note about Ralph coming up with a good idea.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was kind of groggy this morning and he bought it hook line and sinker when he heard Ralph on. He said he flipped out when he heard that he was going to be a regular. He said that he doesn't hate Ralph. He said it seems like a waste of talent when Ralph is just there like that. Ralph said that he's got a lot of other stuff going on in his life and he doesn't have time to do anything else. He said that he has to catch up on the third season of Battlestar Galactica.
Another caller said he was happy when he heard that Ralph was going to be on. He said that he was disappointed when he heard that it was just a joke. He said that he'd like Howard TV to follow Ralph around for a day to show what he does. Ralph said he wouldn't allow it, it's none of their business what he does. He said that if he got paid he might do it. Gary said that he'd like to see Ralph's action figure collection.
Another caller said that he loves to hate Ralph on the show. Another guy said that he wishes that he could state as eloquently as John the Stutterer does how Ralph brings the show to a grinding halt. Gary said that he doesn't think that he does that at all. He said that it doesn't bring it to a halt but it might make you think a little more.
The caller was complaining about Ralph's new laugh and some of the stuff he does that annoys him. He said that he finds something else to do when Ralph is on. Ralph told him he'll be free for the next 45 minutes then.
Jon had Evil Dave, Angie, Blue iris and Ron all come in. Gary told Angie that there are still some people who don't believe that they're a couple. He asked if she's insulted by that or if people gawk at them when they go out. Angie said that they really don't. She said that he does stuff for her that younger guys don't. Ralph asked ''Make you throw up?'' when she said that.
Angie said that her mother is older than Dave and she's okay with her going out with him but she's not sure if she'd be happy if she married him. Gary asked how old the last guy was that she dated. She said that he was 29.
Angie said that she and Dave have known each other for many years. Dave said that he and Angie worked at the same company for many years and they played on the same sports team there. Dave was speaking with a bit of an affectation today so Gary and Jon pointed that out to him. Every time he'd start to talk Ralph would start to laugh.
Dave went on to say that he and Angie were friends at work and things progressed over the years. Gary said that Dave told them that he had to wear her down over the years. She said that they started to go out as just friends. Dave said that he never forced himself on her or anything like that. Gary said that would be rape so of course not.
Benjy asked if that was their first kiss today. Dave said it wasn't and Angie said that it was a weird one and she thinks that he was showing off for the camera or something.
Ralph asked who the girl was that Sal thought was his girlfriend. Dave said that she was the girl who was selling chocolates and he wanted to get her on the show so that's how he did it. He okayed it with Angie before he did it. She was a big fan of the show and that's how he got her to meet the people there. He said he doesn't over analyze things.
Gary said that he doesn't understand all of this and he's just trying to figure out why he did things the way he did. Ralph said they were asking why he was lying about who his girlfriend was. Dave said he should have told them but he didn't.
Gary asked what the nature of their relationship is right now. Angie said ''pretty much'' to that. They've been going out for about 9 months now. Dave said that sometimes they'll go out bike riding, bowling or out to eat. They go out to Olive Garden and places like that.
Benjy asked if they watch TV a lot. Angie said she's not home that much because she's out working. Gary said that he knew that this was going to be the most fascinating couple and he was right. JD told the guys that Angie had a really smokin ass.
Benjy said that this is going to break up relationships because guys are going to wonder why they're not getting girls like that when Dave is. Dave said he knows and he thinks that she's a real godsend to him. He said he knows it's like the odd couple to some people.
Jon asked Dave if they expected to win. Dave said that he didn't think they could win but they did have a chance. Benjy asked Angie if she had dated anyone else lately. She said that she goes out to bars and stuff but she doesn't really date anyone.
Ralph was still snickering after each of Dave and Angie's answers. Jon said that they appeared to not want to say the wrong thing today. Ralph said he wasn't buying that they were a couple.
Gary said that he thinks that it's real because Dave isn't a good liar. He said that he doesn't have a good poker face. Jon said that he did fool them with that other chick though. Dave kept mentioning the chocolates that the other woman was selling. That led to Dave talking about how he didn't invest in the company like he said he was going to when she was on.
Jon played a clip from the Newlyweird Game where Dave and Angie got some answers correct. Robin didn't believe that the relationship was for real.
Gary said that the one question they got wrong was about where Dave leaves his DNA. It was weird that they wouldn't know that one when everyone else did.
Gary asked if they're going to split the money. Angie said that they may go on a vacation together or something. This was their first trip together.
Jon took a call from Vinnie Favale who said that it didn't even sound like Evil Dave today. He said he wanted him to do the Dave voice for him. Evil Dave went into his Letterman voice and did that for a few seconds. Vinnie said that this was the funniest thing hearing him doing his regular voice.
Vinnie asked Dave when he last had sex with Angie. Dave said it was about a month ago. He said that she's had a cold for a while now. Dave said that she just got over a cold and he wasn't going to push it. Dave said that she's still fighting a cold. He said that she's been doing great today though. Ralph said that she's super hot and he's supposed to be dating her so he should be banging her.
The guys wanted to know why it had been a month. Dave said she's been very busy and sick. He said that they usually see each other once a week or so. He said that she's very busy at work. He said that she's a ''career gal.''
Jon asked Dave if he's okay with her being that career gal. Dave said that he's fine with it and he's not going to take anything away from her. Gary said he was looking at Dave and Angie like a Rubik's Cube and keeps twisting it around to try and make sense of it but it's not working out.
Dave was telling a story about how he used to have to go upstairs at work to go visit Angie and he had to sneak up because he wasn't supposed to go upstairs. He said he'd pretend to be checking the schedule for work as an excuse to go up.
Jon asked Angie when she knew that Dave was going after her and trying to make more out of the relationship. She said that she figured it out after they went out a few times. Gary asked if she thought it was weird with the huge age difference. She said that the age thing was a reason she thought that he would never be interested in her. She said that she never had a crush on him. She fell for him the more she got to know her.
Dave kept talking off the microphone so Jon and the guys had to keep asking him to get back on it. Dave was trying to explain what the relationship was all about but the guys still didn't think that they were really a couple.
Gary asked Dave and Angie what they had planned for today and tomorrow. They're just hanging out for the next day. Dave said that they might go to a play and maybe go see Letterman. Angie said that she'd like to go out to the China Club. Ralph told her that she could get in but Dave won't. That's the club that JD tried to get into but he was turned away.
Jon took a call from a guy who told the guys that they were a bunch of cock blockers. He went off on them for grilling them the way they were. He said that they're fucked up. They explained to the guy that this was a suspicious relationship to begin with because of the other girl he introduced as his girlfriend. They were just trying to figure this all out.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he thinks that Dave is playing anything but straight today. His regular voice was the fruitiest lisp he had ever heard. Dave went into his Evil Dave impression and got away from the lisp for a few seconds. Another caller said that he was really enjoying this but between Gary, Benjy and Ralph goofing on Dave it was kind of lame. He said that they're just as nerdy as Dave. He said that it's not cool to do this in front of his girlfriend.
Dave said he doesn't feel that he's getting beat up at all. He said that he wasn't offended by it at all. Gary said that he believes that they're a couple after all of this. Ralph was still suspicious. Gary said that the kiss during the show was kind of strange. He said that there was an uncomfortableness between them. Ralph said it was the strangest kiss he had ever seen in his life. Jon said that it really looked like it was something she didn't want to do. They had to go to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's a huge Blue Iris fan. He just told her how much he likes her and hopes that she'll be around for a long time.
Another guy called in and said that he thinks that there's no reason to go nuts on Artie about the F-word the way they do on the show. Gary said that they don't think that Artie has any bad intentions. Blue said that he's a doll and has a big heart and a great sense of humor.
The guys talked about Artie and High Pitch Mike's argument today and how that all went. Gary said that Mike was going to some weird places with the clips he had them playing. They all agreed that he was going a little far with that.
Another caller said that Evil Dave's lisp sounded very much like Ralph's. Ralph said he thought Dave's was a little more pronounced. Dave was talking to the guys but he wasn't on a microphone again so Jon had to yell at him to get back on one.
The guys asked Dave about his lisp and how it seems to be a new thing for him. Dave was apologizing to them for that but Gary told him he didn't need to do that. They were just asking him what it was about, they didn't want him to apologize.
Blue said that it appeared that he was just being himself and not doing a character. They spent another minute on that and then Jon moved on to some more calls.
Jon said that he is the husband of the woman who runs that chocolate company and what Dave is saying is all true. He said that he has never been out with Dave and Angie but they'd love to have them over some time. Dave said that he'd make the time to do that sometime.
Another caller said that he was kind of pissed at Gary and the guys for cock blocking Dave. He said that he wants Howard, Fred and Gary to all take a look at their wedding pictures and see who they're going out with. Gary said that no one is disputing that, it was their body language that was throwing them off. Dave said that he's not bothered by any of this stuff. He said that he doesn't feel threatened at all.
Jon had to wrap up the show so he let everyone get in their plugs. Blue got in her plugs for the show she's doing. Dave said he's going to try and go see Artie on June 6th in Chicago.
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Howard started off the show talking about listening to Carnie Wilson, of Wilson Phillips, talking about her gastric bypass surgery. He said she's gained back all of her weight. He said that her explanations for gaining that weight back were kind of weird. She got pregnant and that was what she blamed some of it on. He played some of the clips after that.
In the first clip Carnie was talking to Diane Sawyer about the weight gain. She was down to 148 pounds at one point and she has gone back up to 205. She said she didn't go back up to 300 pounds. Carnie talked about how upset she was about the tabloids reporting that she had gained back 79 pounds. She said that was a lie. She did gain back 70 though so Howard and Robin talked about how they're really not that far off.
Howard said that he and Artie were talking yesterday and Artie said that he would never get that gastric bypass surgery.
Howard got back to the interview audio and listened to Carnie talking about the reasons she was able to gain that weight back after the surgery. She said she fell off the ''band wagon'' so Howard corrected her on that saying that you fall off the wagon, not the band wagon. Carnie went on to say that it is easy to gain the weight back even if your stomach has been shrunken down. She said that you have to commit to a bunch of stuff so Howard went off on her about that. He said it's very easy to commit to drinking water and demonstrated how easy that is.
Howard said that she spent all of this money on the surgery and maybe she should go out and walk if she feels hungry. George said that people are just lazy. Howard said that people tell him that he's lucky he's skinny but they don't realize how hard he has to work to stay that thin. He said he went running for 4 miles yesterday to keep himself thin.
Howard said that he hadn't taken a dump in about a day and he was afraid he was going to have to take a dump while he was out running. He said he had a buddy who had to take a dump while he was out for a run. He had another buddy who had to pee and got busted by the cops. The buddy that had to take the dump went in the bushes and then ran back to his apartment to clean up.
Artie was sweating like crazy so Howard talked to him about that. He asked if that was from being sick. Artie said he really didn't know.
George said that he's been getting hemorrhoid advice from the fans since he talked about his on the air the other day. Artie didn't hear that discussion so he just assumed he got it from ass fuckin. He was right. George doesn't do that now.
George said he hasn't had anal in about 2 decades because he did get the hemorrhoids. Howard asked if he thinks that it's unnatural then. George said that it's all up to the individual. He said that Brad was the last one who did it to him too. He doesn't think that Brad misses it though.
While they were talking to George about the ass fuckin Fred was playing some porn audio clips of guys getting it on.
George said that he and Brad went to a party one time and he met a nice looking man one time. He said that things got kind of flirty with the guy told him to stop flirting with him because he had heard him on the Howard Stern Show and knew about his relationship with Brad. George said he was just flirting. He said that he would go out with a guy to get coffee if he wanted to.
George said that if he keeps doing the show he's going to get into trouble with Brad. He said that he has already gotten into trouble with Brad over some of the stuff he's discussed on the air.
Howard got back to the Ralph prank and talked about how that all came about. He said they were very busy with the guests on the show and he didn't have a lot of time to spend talking to Ralph. He said that Robin freaked out right away, Artie's reaction was priceless and everyone thought he was out of his mind.
Howard said he was about to do the Al Roker interview and he didn't want Ralph interrupting. Then at 7 o'clock he turned him back on and started talking about High Pitch Mike and Artie and Ralph was laughing and it annoyed the shit out of him.
Howard read through some of the e-mail that he got during that prank yesterday. The first one was from a guy who said he was done with the show after hearing that Ralph was going to be on regularly. He read through one negative e-mail after the other. Everyone was hoping it was a joke. A bunch of people threatened to cancel their subscriptions over that. Howard said the fans really can turn on you.
Howard said that those e-mails make him want to get out of the business in 3 years. He said that the fans can turn on him in a second and he wants out.
Howard read through more of the e-mail about Ralph and one guy said he had quit and gave up his 4 subscriptions already. Ralph was on the phone and said that this is why he loves pissing off the audience. He loves hearing this stuff. He said that when he got sick of him he didn't even know he was on the air. He said he was just laughing in the other room hearing Artie goofing on High Pitch Mike. He said that when Artie was calling Mike a ''blotchy weirdo'' it was cracking him up.
Ralph said that Artie cracked him up when he did his Ed Torian impression and asked if he had ever called Katie Couric the n-word.
Ralph said that Tim was wandering around and there's no telling what he was up to. He said it really was fascinating there. He asked Artie about his iPod headphones and why they never come off. Howard thinks that's his way to let people know that they shouldn't bother him.
Artie said that he wants Teddy to know that he doesn't want to be bothered, that's why he has the headphones on. Ralph said that there really is a lot of stuff going on and Artie is talking to Teddy and ordering him around.
Howard said that when he gets off the air at 11 o'clock he's so out of it that his head is throbbing. He said that's when he goes and meditates. He said that he has to go to his office and relax for a few minutes. He said that Doug Goodstein will come up to him and bother him so he has to tell him the rules. He said it's hard to do that but he has to blow them off. Howard said that he is so out of it that he just needs a few minutes alone.
Ralph said that a ton of people come into the studio during the break and at one point it looked like there were about 20 in there. Robin said that sometimes she can't see Howard because there are so many people in there.
Artie said that he feels bad about blowing Teddy off but he's afraid that he's going to piss Howard off. He said that he has to go out in the hall to talk to him. Howard appreciates him doing that. Howard said that sometimes he can't hear what Gary is telling him so it's like a three ring circus in there.
Artie was talking about some of the songs that he listens to on his iPod. He said that's his form of meditation when he listens to that stuff. He has to chill out with the slow songs on the iPod. Howard told Teddy to put some of the weight loss tapes on his iPod and maybe that would help him lose a few pounds. Howard heard that he recently added 50 Cent's ''In Da Club'' to his iPod. Artie said that he likes that song so he did put that one on.
One writer said they don't know George that well but they love him on the show. George said that he's going to be on the Conan show tonight. He said that they're working on the promotion for this ''Secret Talents of the Stars'' so they booked him for the show. Howard wondered if Conan is going to ask him about his masturbation in the shower. George said they'll find out tonight.
Howard said that Brad was very good on the show yesterday. He asked George if they made love yesterday. George said that they did. That led to the guys making fun of the spitting out the sperm in the sink that George was talking about yesterday. George said that he does the same to Brad that he does to him. He said that he has swallowed in the past but doesn't tell Brad that. He said that Brad doesn't believe in that. Artie asked if he could eat without hearing about this.
Howard asked George if Brad spit last night. George said that he did his usual thing. He said that Brad was talking about possibly swallowing it some day though thanks to the show.
Howard read some mail about High Pitch Mike going off on Artie yesterday. The fans are very upset with him. Fred said that there were a lot of people upset with him. Howard read through some of that mail and people were really going off on him. Some people think he's full of hate. He accuses Artie of being full of hate but he's the one who was being hateful yesterday.
George asked how the fight got started between Artie and Mike. Artie said that he laughed at Mike the day he talked about going to a theme park on a day that was considered ''gay day.'' Artie said that he laughed very hard that day and Mike wasn't too happy about that. It all went down hill from there. There were other discussions about Mike going to concerts and events by himself and Artie goofed on him about that. Howard said that he likes both guys so it's upsetting to see them fight even if it does make for great radio.
Howard read some more e-mail about the Newlyweird Game. He read one about how great the game was yesterday. Someone thought Al Roker was a great guest. He had a couple about that. One guy said that they heard Fred playing ''Moby Dick'' when Al walked into the studio. Fred said that he was doing that on purpose and he was laughing to himself as he was doing it. He didn't think anyone would notice. Howard said that Fred is like this guy who used to write little things in the corners of the pages of MAD magazine years ago.
Howard read some feedback about Jose Canseco and some people didn't like that he ratted out his friends. Robin said there's something about him that really puts her off. She said he has an arrogance about him that's off putting.
Howard said that they got some feedback about Evil Dave and Angie and how strange that was. That show will be up on Howard TV tonight. Artie said that they pointed out something about Dave yesterday on the Wrap Up Show. He has a very effeminate lisp that he does when he's not doing the Evil Dave voice. Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where they were talking about that effeminate voice.
The guys had some fun goofing on Dave after listening to that clip. Howard got back to the mail and read some more stuff about the strange relationship between Dave and his girlfriend. A lot of the fans found it hard to believe that they were a couple.
Howard read some mail about the guys cock blocking Dave on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Someone pointed out that the guys on the show are all dorky looking and they have no right to be picking on Dave like that. Howard said that it was insane watching Evil Dave making out with his girlfriend. He said that you can see that on Howard TV tonight. The guys were getting creeped out watching the kiss between Dave and Angie on the studio monitors.
Howard read an e-mail about the William Shatner building at a college. IT turns out that it's not the official name of the building because Shatner never gave his permission to name it after him.
Howard said that Scott is a weird guy because he was claiming that his going off on Artie was an April Fools day joke. In the clip he was going to play he said that Scott said it was a joke and then said it wasn't a joke. He said that people would be very confused by the clip. He played the audio and Scott said he was kidding but then he said he wasn't really kidding that much. He was upset with Artie about what he said on the air and it pissed him off.
Howard said that he knows that Scott was really pissed. He wasn't kidding about that stuff. Artie said that he felt bad about it and ended up giving Scott 4 of his Yankee tickets. He said that he went on the Wrap Up Show after that and went off on him again. Scott said that he's not even a Yankee fan but his son is. He said that he'll probably take him to the game with the tickets he has. Scott said that he would like to go to a game at the old stadium before they move to the new one.
Howard wondered why they don't have an indoor stadium there in the city. Artie said they don't want to go to domes there in the area. Howard said that he'd like to go see a game in a dome like he did out in Detroit when he lived there. He said it was great to see a game like that.
Artie talked about going to games in the open stadiums and how great he thinks they are. He spent a couple of minutes on that.
Scott said he was sorry for what he was saying yesterday. That led to Howard playing the audio of Scott doing his comedy at a Killers of Comedy show. He bombed there but George was laughing as he heard the clip. Scott was telling stories that didn't really go anywhere or have a punch line so the crowd were just booing him and not really responding to his stories. Howard let Scott's audio play through even though it wasn't funny.
Ronnie came in and asked Scott how long he's been trying to grub those tickets off of Artie. He said that he's the only one who is friends with Scott and he knows that he's been trying to get the tickets from him for a long time now. He said that he should have just gone out and bought the tickets instead of grubbing them off of Artie. He said he'd like to take his kid to the game too but he doesn't ask Artie for tickets.
Howard said that Ronnie likes Scott but he really has a problem with him. Ronnie said that Scott is always talking about Artie and complaining about what he has. Scott denied doing that but Ronnie insisted that he does. He said that Scott mooches everything he can. He said he gets angry at people over that kind of stuff.
Ronnie said that Scott was trying to get tickets from Artie last year. He always drops hints to him like he wants that stuff. Robin said that Scott got mad at his intern when she gave her some tickets to a show. Scott said that's not true but Robin said that the intern came to her and told her what was going on.
Doug came in and said that Scott was dropping hints to him about bowling and how he wanted to shoot some stuff for them and dropping hints that he wanted them to pay for the entry fee.
Ronnie said that Scott joined a fantasy baseball thing and last year this guy that works there comped him in but this year he had to pay 90 bucks for it. Howard said that you have to kick in so people can win money. Scott said that he doesn't care about the prize though.
Gary said that he got the bowling rap from Scott too and he thinks that he wanted them to pick up the $500 entry fee. Scott denied that too but Howard knew that he must have been trying to get that money. Howard said that Scott is still pissed about Tim not giving him an iPod Nano. Scott said ''no comment'' to that.
Brian from Howard TV came in and said that Scott didn't want to do anything out in Cleveland when they were out there because he wanted to be comped for everything. Brian said that Scott was bitching the whole time they were out there about getting comped for everything.
Artie said that when they were out there in Cleveland there were some hot chicks back stage talking about the guys going to their bar. He said that's probably what Scott was hoping they'd get comped on. Howard told Scott to go back and work instead of standing around in there. Fred played Scott's ''Fuck everyone'' audio clip as he was leaving.
Howard said that they have Jeff Conaway coming in today. Robin said she wants to look at him today and gave him a ''Wow!'' when she heard she was coming in. Howard played some new song parodies about George Takei before he went to commercial break. They had a bunch of new ones.
Artie said that they have to ask Jeff about a bunch of stuff. He said that on the first episode of that Celebrity Rehab show he was talking about how he has to snort pabulum to make himself go to the bathroom. Howard said his girlfriend is coming in too and they'll have to talk to her about what she was doing on that show. Howard said that Beth and Katie Lee Joel, Billy Joel's wife, will be coming in as well. Katie Lee will be talking about her new cook book. They had to go to break after that quick discussion.
Howard said that Jeff is kind of like a baby because someone has to watch him all the time. He said that Jeff is doing to be on the second season of the show. He said that's a good thing because the show would suck without him.
Howard played more of the vomiting clips and got a few laughs out of that. Artie said that he went to a rehab/nut house one time and there were always nurses waking you up and they didn't take any shit from people. He told the story about this guy who wasn't able to say ''Artie Breakfast'' and would say ''Arie Brearest'' instead.
Howard said they have a Gary the Retard special coming up tomorrow. They're calling it the Garypalooza. He played a song parody about Gary the Retard to the tune of Tom Petty's ''Free Fallin'' called ''Retarded.'' Robin thought that was another Richard Christy song but Howard said it was actually Dan the Song Parody Man.
Howard played a new song from the Bleeding Deacons about Robin's boobs. It was to the tune of ''Let It Be'' called ''Double Ds.''
Howard said they're still looking for the Ugliest Guy who is married to the Hottest chick for the contest they have coming up. He said that they need all entries by April 11th and the contest is being sponsored by AshleyMadison.com.
Howard said if you're looking for what kind of underwear she's wearing, tune in next week. He said that she actually bent over out in the hall and someone saw that she was wearing see through underwear. Howard said that he thinks that they have Jim Florentine to thank for that. Robin said it was her trainer who they should be thanking.
Will came in and said that he saw the panties in the office and thought she was looking good back there. He said her ass was all out when she bent over.
Gary came in and said that he saw her bend over too and he knows that when she was heavier she never bent over like that. He said that you forget that it's Robin for a second when you see her bend over like that.
Lisa asked if she bought new lingerie after she lost the weight. Of course she did. Howard interrupted and said that Gary has a grey nose hair hanging out today and it's driving everyone nuts. They had a close up shot of it so they showed that on the studio monitors. Gary said he could take care of that right now and pulled it out.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that they have a story about Crazy Alice who is on a rampage against Riley Martin. She's hoping to take over his time slot when his contract is up next week. Howard said he'd be willing to let her do a half hour or an hour long test show.
Lisa said that Gary has made it into a book about moustaches. They'll have more on all of that later today on Howard 100 News.
Howard said that they did an amputee beauty pageant on the show years ago and someone has ripped them off again. He said that CNN was reporting on a beauty pageant over in Angola where they have amputees. They were all land mind victims. He read through the rules about the contest and saw that they will have a swim suit contest in that.
Howard said that he's gotten some feedback about Artie going over to Iraq. The fans have sent in some pictures about that. He said he got one where they have Gary building sand castles saying he's not bored over there. He said there was also a ''Saving Private Booey'' movie poster. There was also a picture of Howard and Artie morphed into one. He showed that and said that they're all up on his web site.
Howard said that Ryan Phillippe did Jay Leno's show after he did their show and he kind of walked off the show. He said that there was some truth to that because Leno has apologized to Ryan for the comments that he made about him during that interview. He said that there were a bunch of gay organizations who were upset about Leno asking Ryan to make his best gay face for the cameras.
Howard played a second song where Dave let out an odd yell. It turned out to be Led Zeppelin and John knew that's what it was so Howard gave him the $500. Howard played more of the audio of Dave singing and the guys goofed on him a little bit. Artie said that he wants to know how that guy is hooked up in the brain.
Howard played another clip of Dave singing and the guys tried to figure out what it was. Artie and Fred knew what it was. It was a Charlie Daniels song.
Howard played another one where Dave was singing a Metallica song. The guys were goofing on Dave about the way he was singing. He didn't really know the lyrics to any of the songs.
Howard went to the phones and had another caller play the game. He won $500 when he guessed it was AC/DC ''Back in Black.'' The prizes were courtesy of the new season of Battlestar Galactica.
Howard asked if they were done with the game. Artie said that he wasn't done, he wanted to bring it home with him. They played a couple more songs that Dave tried singing along to. They had him singing along to the Ratt song ''Round and Round.''
Howard also played a George Takei song parody and a prank call the guys made to a guy using audio clips of George talking to Richard about taking a shower. That made George laugh his ass off for a couple of minutes. Howard played another George song parody ''I Love Wang'' and George said he was exhausted by that prank call.
Howard got to the JD game and played the first clip where they asked JD if he would rather hang out with Jared or High Pitch Mike. The guys all had to guess who JD was going to pick. JD doesn't like either of them very much. Gary said that JD was out at Rick's Cabaret on Saturday night and Jared was there. JD didn't say 2 words while Jared was there. Once he left JD woke up and wouldn't stop talking.
Howard asked the guys who they thought JD was going to pick. They pretty much all assumed he was going to pick Mike. That's who he picked. Howard played the second one which was ''Jared or John the Stutterer.'' The guys were thinking that he was going to pick John and he did. Gary said that there is a game there even though it sounded like it was going to be easy.
''Jared or Crazy Alice'' was the next choice for JD. JD ended up picking Jared because Alice could cause a big scene. Howard said that he really doesn't care who JD would hang out with and wondered who would hang out with JD.
George went out to dinner with Jared and found it hard to believe that there was this much dislike for him. Howard said that JD really doesn't like the guy. JD came in and said that he's not the only one who dislikes Jared but he didn't want to out anyone about it.
George asked JD why he doesn't like Jared. JD said that he's arrogant. He said that he was a pimp on Halloween and he didn't think that was cool. George said that you're supposed to dress up for Halloween. George didn't understand why that was a problem. Howard asked him why it bothered him so much. JD said that it wasn't just one thing, it's him. He said that he just doesn't like the guy ''because.'' He said that he thought that he was cool in his pimp outfit.
''Jared or Double A'' was the next choice for JD. In the clip JD picked JD over Double A. He said that Double A can be very annoying to him. Howard said that Jared is Tim Sabean's assistant and he has Tim's ear so he can take things very seriously. He said that could mean that someone might not get a raise there.
Ralph called in and said that JD is really off on this. He said that he'd be the first one to say that he was an asshole if he thought he was one. He said that Jared is really nice and he can't imagine why anyone would think that he is an asshole. He said that JD could hang around him and catch some of his hot chick shrapnel.
Artie said that he knows what Ralph is saying and he really doesn't think that Jared is arrogant at all. He said he'd tell JD if he thought he was. JD said that it depends on what level of friends you are with him to get the arrogance. No one knew what he was talking about so they had to figure it all out.
Double A called in and cursed JD out for making the comments about him. He said that he wanted him to come out with him to party but he just stood there and didn't do anything. JD said that he was working. Double A went off on him about that for a little while and cursed him out. Howard said that JD hates Jared and he'd rather hang out with him than with Double A.
Artie said that Double A brought back a bunch of hot chicks to the back stage area at a show one time and he was bringing them back one after the other and he got him laid. Howard said that he doesn't know how Double A is getting laid. He asked if he's paying them or something. Double A said that it's his attitude. He said that if you have a positive attitude you can get chicks.
Artie said that Double A got him laid that night and he would give him the MVP of that night. He asked Double A what his rap was that night. Howard told Double A to show him his move as if he were a hot chick. Double A said that most chicks just stand there looking hot so he'll walk up to them and ask them what they're up to. He said that he goes to Atlantic City about twice a month and picks up chicks like crazy. Artie said that he shows off that tattoo of his too.
Howard said that Jeff Conaway was there so he had to move on to that. Ronnie came in and said that he was at Rick's on Saturday night and it was really uncomfortable. He said that it looked like JD was going to walk out because Jared was there. Howard had to wrap up and go to break before bringing in Jeff Conaway.
Jeff and his girlfriend Vikki came in a short time later. Howard immediately brought up how Jeff had quit ''Taxi'' back in the 70s. He said that he must have been nuts to quit that and he thought he was back then. Jeff said that he made two big mistakes in his career. He said that working for Taxi was the first mistake and quitting was the second one.
Jeff said that he had a movie career going back then and he thought that he could do that show to get some writing experience. He said that he wanted to learn how to write and direct but they reneged on a lot of what they promised him. He also said that Andy Kaufman was an asshole on that show but they eventually became friends with him.
Vikki said that Jeff actually punched Andy in the face one time. Jeff said that he had been drinking that night and they had just won a Golden Globe award. He said he wanted to talk to the guy so he asked him to tell him a story. He said that Andy told him the story and then he asked Andy why he treats people like shit and Andy spit in his face and said he didn't give a fuck about any of them. That led to him punching him in the face. All of that went down at the Golden Globe Awards show.
Howard asked Jeff if he was an alcoholic back in the Taxi days. Jeff said that he had been drinking since he was about 3 years old. He said that his grandmother would make bathtub beer and she'd give it to him at 3. Howard said he thinks that you learn this stuff and it's not genetic. He said it all depends on what you're exposed to in your life.
Howard said that Vikki is much more attractive than that show, Celebrity Rehab, made her out to be. Vikki thanked him for that. She was also telling Howard that Jeff is great at having sex and he can go for 14 hours at a time. Howard asked if she's into Tantric sex or something. Jeff said that she doesn't even know what that is. Jeff said that he's addicted to sex. He said that he's had his share of celebrities.
Howard asked Jeff about trying to get Olivia Newton John. Jeff said that she was bending over the table one day and he kind of rubbed on her butt and said that little girls like her could get into trouble. She turned around and told him that maybe she wants to get into trouble. He then went to John Travolta's dressing room and told him he might try and bag her. John begged him not to because he really liked her. Jeff took a pass on her because of that. He did bang Olivia's sister though.
Jeff said that Olivia's sister was insane. He told Howard about her and how she used to slap him around. He said that he actually pulled a gun out and shot up his house because of her behavior. He said that he put the barrel in his mouth and tried to shoot himself but the gun didn't go off. He said that he was on quaaludes at the time too.
Howard said that Jeff is the only reason to watch ''Celebrity Rehab.'' He said that he's almost like a child with people paying constant attention to him. Vikki said that he really is very needy. Jeff said that he was raised by his grandparents and his parents weren't around all the time. Howard said that must be why he needs so much attention now.
Howard said that Jeff was in some kiddie porn one time and he wondered if he's ever tried to track that down. Jeff said he hasn't. He said he was taken advantage of when he was about 7 years old. He said that the guy was doing stuff to him and then had him doing stuff with women too. He said he has nothing against homosexuals but he's glad he doesn't have to deal with that kind of thing in his life. He's got enough stuff to deal with.
Howard asked Jeff what he's on now. He said he's on Oxycontin and Riboxin and some other stuff. Howard wondered how that guy got him alone when he was 7 years old. Jeff said that he was going to catholic school at the time.
Howard read that Jeff is now a Scientologist and that John Travolta gave him all of his scientology books and stuff to get him started. Jeff said that the offer is there but he's not sure he could be away from Vikki for four months.
Howard asked Vikki what she does for Jeff and figured that it's a full time job taking care of Jeff. Jeff said that she helps take care of her too.
Vikki said that she had a psychic tell her that Jeff was her soul mate so she can't leave him no matter what. Howard was getting annoyed with the microphone on Jeff's head set. Jeff had to take off some clothes to get it to stop rubbing on his clothing.
Jeff told Howard that he's tried to commit suicide 21 times and he's failed every time. He said that God must want him on this planet for one reason or another. Howard asked what drug makes him most happy. Jeff said he stopped doing heroin when he was a teen and it's probably the cocaine. He said he likes the sleeping pills to go to sleep too. Jeff said that he takes this Oxycontin but it doesn't make him high.
Howard asked Jeff what his best party story was. Jeff said that he really doesn't like alcohol and he finally realized that.
Howard said that Jeff claims that he has a Leprechaun in his back yard. Jeff said that he thinks that he really does have one there and the guy is constantly moving stuff around and messing with his head. Vikki said that she didn't believe him until she saw his hat in the back yard one time.
Howard asked Jeff if he still gets residuals from Taxi. Jeff said that he is. Howard asked him why he left the show and what he was thinking back then. Jeff talked about how he thought it would be best for him if he did that. Howard asked if he could put together a million bucks if he had to right now. Jeff said he wouldn't be able to do that.
Jeff said that he's been writing books now and making money doing that. He said that he can't talk about the kind of money he's making on that Celebrity Rehab show. Howard figured he was getting paid more than the other people on the show but Jeff said he couldn't say.
Howard talked to Jeff about the stuff he does with Vikki as far as sex goes. He said that they play games and stuff and do some role playing. They talked about the characters they play and Artie said that it sounds like they have a better sex life than most people do.
Howard asked if Jeff and Vikki are faithful to each other. They both said they were but Howard said he worries about Vikki. Jeff said that he loves waking up and looking into her eyes every morning.
Howard heard that Jeff had punched out the lead singer of Oasis but Jeff said that wasn't true. He said that he went to a Marilyn Manson concert one time and the Oasis guy said that he was molding his whole life after him. He said that he gave him a bracelet with love and peace on it and the guy was a great guy. He said he did show him his switch blade but that was it. He didn't fight with him or anything.
Howard asked Jeff if he looks at these pretty boy guys these days and figures that he was better looking and a better actor than them. Jeff said he never looks at himself like that.
Howard asked Jeff about Tony Danza and if he hated him. Jeff said he loved him but Howard had a quote from Jeff where he talked about how resentful he was for Tony's success because he was just a boxer. Jeff said that he did find it odd that he could walk off the street and get a star on his door back when they were working on Taxi. He said that he did think he was naturally talented but he resented the concept, not him.
Howard asked Jeff how many famous women he's had. Jeff said that he can't tell. He said that he never had Marilu Henner when they asked about that. Howard asked about Anne Margaret. He said she was a little older than him.
Jeff has an album out now so Howard gave him some plugs for that. He said that the album is called Saints and Sinners. You can find out more at Myspace.com/VikkiAndKenickie.
Howard asked Vikki and Jeff how long it took for Jeff to get her. They said that it was after 3 dates. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Howard asked Jeff about all of the hot chicks that he got over the years. Jeff said that he had 8 women at once one time. He said that he just had to give them enough drugs and they'd do anything with him.
Howard said he wanted to play some of Jeff's music before he wrapped up. He played one of the songs where he raps. They spent a short time talking about the song and Howard said that Jeff seems to be pretty clear headed. He said that he expected him to come in kind of fucked up. He said that he would have liked to have talked to him about his back before he had his operation. He said that he probably didn't need the operation at all.
Artie said that his favorite episode of Taxi was when Jeff's character went back to Louie's high school reunion as Louie. Jeff thought that was a good one too. He said he remembers getting the call about that episode and how great that story line was. He said that it cracked him up and he thought it was a great idea. He said he practiced being Danny Devito for a week before that.
Howard asked Jeff when they start filming Celebrity Rehab 2. He said that it should be in May. He said he's hoping to get off the pain meds when he goes back. He said they're talking about doing another reality show called ''Conaway Out There'' as well. Howard said he's there if they do that. He'll be watching. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Katie has written a cook book called ''The Comfort Table.'' He didn't know that was the name of the book. Robin asked why it was called that.
Howard said that she brought in some cookies or Artie today so he tried them out before they talked about the name of the book. Artie said they were amazing. George tried them too and said they were absolutely delectable. Artie asked Teddy to bring him a soda to go along with them. Katie said that she developed the recipe herself.
Howard said that Artie was attracted to Katie so he asked him about that. Artie said that he met her out in the Hamptons and she was very nice to him there. He said that she included him in the conversation and he found her very attractive.
Howard asked Katie about Billy being married to Christie Brinkley and if she feels any pressure after following her. She said that she didn't until now. She said that she might feel that pressure after this conversation. Howard asked her if she thinks she's better looking than Christie. She said she didn't feel that way at all. Artie said that he can definitely say who the better cook probably is.
Katie said that she thinks that she's going to be damned if she does or damned if she doesn't with this book. She said that people are going to say she's riding his coattails but if she sat around doing nothing she'd get criticized for doing nothing.
Howard said that if he were married to Billy Joel, he'd sit around doing nothing. He said that Billy must have sat down with Katie and showed her how much he was worth. She must have seen that and figured she didn't have to work. Katie said that it's more of a self fulfillment. She said that she didn't have much money when she was growing up. She said that they had a comfortable life but it was modest means.
Katie said that she and her mother were alone after her father left after divorcing her mother. She said that they really didn't have a lot. She got married to Billy when she was just 23 years old. Howard said that he'd like to know how many men she had before Billy. He said that he wanted to talk to Billy about that and tell him to let her sew some wild oats. She said that she was 21 when she met Billy and she was totally faithful to him back then.
Howard asked how many boyfriends Katie had before Billy. She said that she dated a lot but not real serious with more than a couple of guys. Howard said that he was going to guess that she had intercourse with just 2 guys before Billy. She said he wasn't close and it was ''a few.''
Howard asked Artie how many cookies he'd had already. George said it was 4 but Artie said it wasn't that many. Howard said that Beth made Katie's meat loaf last night and it was fantastic. He said that she used Turkey instead of beef and it was really good Beth said he ate half of it already.
Beth said that Howard wasn't farting last night and there must have been something in there that stopped it. She said that she has never farted in front of him, ever. Howard said that Beth never goes doody and she must have a medical problem. She said that she can go several days without going and she feels horrible after that. Howard said she's done for almost a month at times.
Howard said that he's concerned about Beth with the doody problems. She said that she was just at the doctor recently but she didn't bring that up. Howard said that it makes him angry when someone he loves doesn't take care of something like that. He said that she should go to the doctor and tell them about that. Beth said it's too embarrassing.
Howard got back to Katie and asked her about her doody. She said that she goes regularly and can go up to 2 times a day. She said that Billy rarely farts in front of her and she hasn't ever smelled one of his.
Robin asked how regular people go to the bathroom and hide their doody from their spouses. Howard said that Katie and Billy's house is so big that it's hard to find someone in there because it's so big. Artie said that he has left his house to go shit at times just to hide it.
Beth said that Howard has a move where he traps his farts under the covers and she knows that if she lifted it the smell would be awful. Howard said that's a Dutch oven. She said that he did that the other night and the fart smelled like a dirty diaper. Howard blamed the dog for that.
Howard got back to Katie's sex life and found out she waited until college to have sex. She said that she had the fear of god put into her by her mother about getting pregnant. She said that she was terrified about that. Howard tried to find out exactly how many guys she had but she wasn't talking. Howard said it had to be a limited number. She said that was a good thing though.
Howard said that Katie must be alone at times and get lonely. She said that he's not gone for that long when he does leave. Beth said that's when a vibrator comes in. Howard said that Beth doesn't use one but she said that they do have one. Howard said he keeps that locked in a drawer though.
Katie said that she and Billy do watch porn once in a while. She said that he's kind of dirty. Artie said that some of his songs are kind of dirty from back in the 70s.
Katie said that when she met Billy she didn't think that the relationship would go that far. She said that they were having some great conversations on the phone and she got to know him for about 2 months before he got into her pants. Howard said that was embarrassing to Billy, he's a rock star and should have been in her pants the first night.
Beth said that they were together for 2 weeks before Howard got into her pants. They were together just about every night though so it counted as even more time than 2 weeks.
Howard talked to Katie about the book a little more and said that it's number 1 on amazon.com and Barnes and Noble's web site.
Howard talked to Katie about their many houses. She's heading down to Miami today to the house they have down there. Beth said that she was jealous of that. Howard said that he's seen the house down there and it's really nice. He said that he felt like he was someone important when he got to go there.
Robin asked how long it takes to get used to Billy's lifestyle. Katie said that she used to ask him to get rid of the housekeeper because she could do the work but Billy wouldn't let her do that. She said that she wanted to do that stuff herself so it took her a long time to get used to that. Now she has no problem with having a housekeeper.
Ralph called in and said that Katie looks very hot. Howard said that she's actually lost a few pounds and chiseled up a little. Katie said that she gained about 8 pounds after writing the book and she started losing it after that.
Ralph asked why Katie would write a book and why not just hang out. He said he doesn't understand that. Howard said that if Ralph were his wife he'd be doing nothing. Ralph said he just doesn't get it. He told her what she does really well is look hot.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and asked if they could get the two chicks on the Sybian together. Katie had no idea what it was. Beth told her it was a Masturbation machine. That led to the guys asking Katie who she thinks about when she's masturbating. She asked Artie how his cookies were.
Howard told Katie about George Takei's masturbation that he talked about yesterday. George said that it's not very frequent but Brad does like to control him.
Gary said that Beth was about to answer who she thinks about when she masturbates. Beth said that she didn't have a definitive answer. She said that she might think about a hot guy or something but didn't have any specific names.
Howard gave Katie another plug for her book and asked if she thinks Billy will have more kids. She said that she hopes so because she wants to have a child. Howard took a call from a guy who said that the ladies are beautiful and all and he applauds both of them for doing what they're doing. Howard said that he wanted to mention that Beth is going to be running in the marathon for the North Shore Animal League. She said you can find out more about that at AnimalLeague.org.
Beth joked that she was going to be running with a group of men and she'd be wearing really short shorts. Howard said that she goes to the gym showing off her belly and that really upsets him. Beth said that she really doesn't go there like that and stays covered up.
Beth mentioned that she and Howard had taken some nude pictures together one time but they destroyed them. Howard said that he made a little movie with Beth one time too. He said that they watched the video after they made it and destroyed it right away. Howard said he didn't like the look of his penis on video. Beth told him he has a nice penis and he shouldn't be upset about that.
Howard went to the phone and picked up on Sour Shoes who was doing his Billy Joel impression. He was singing some songs for them. Howard let him stay on for about 30 seconds before he bailed out on the call.
Howard let Beth get in another plug for this marathon she's doing. She said that she's trying to raise a lot of money for the North Shore Animal League and people can either run with her or sponsor her in the race.
Katie said that she's going to be out doing some book signings soon. She said that you can find out more at KatieLeeJoel.com for the schedule.
Howard asked about Billy playing piano in the house and if he plays any of his hits. Katie said that he does play but he usually plays the classical songs. Howard said that really annoys him when he hears that. He wants to hear the hit songs and not that classical crap.
Howard told Katie about Beth's mother's reaction to her dating him. She hung up the phone on her. Katie said that her mother had a bit of a shock when she told her about dating Billy. She said that she was worried about the rock star thing.
Artie asked how Katie and Billy met. She said that she was visiting the city with a friend and ran into him at the hotel she was staying at. She said that he never stayed at that hotel before and just happened to be there that day. She said that they all ended up hanging out and talking and then went out to dinner. He invited them to go see his show on Broadway and he got up on stage and performed a couple of songs that night. She thought that's what he did every night but it turns out he just did it for her that one night.
Howard said that he went to Billy's wedding and his daughter Alexa was Katie's bridesmaid. He said that was almost unbelievable. They talked about how she's got an album coming out soon too. They spent a few minutes talking about her and Howard asked if she's ever had to spank her step-daughter. Katie sounded horrified by that question.
Howard asked Katie if she does drugs. She said that she's tried pot but that's it. She hasn't tried all of the other stuff that they threw out there. Howard gave her another plug for her book and asked about taking their private jet down to Florida today. Katie said that Howard probably has more money than Billy does now. Howard said that there's no way he has more than Billy. He and Beth both said that Billy has to have more than him.
Howard said that Billy has 5 houses and he doesn't even have that many. Katie said that he could. Artie did some math and tried to figure out how much money Billy could be pulling in by selling out concerts at Madison Square Garden. Howard tried figuring it out too and came up with 500 million but Artie said it was probably more like 3 million a night.
Katie told Howard that he has to talk to Billy about his jewelry picking. She said that Billy needs help in that department. Ralph called in again and asked how much she gets in the pre-nup. She said that was none of their business.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that Beth and Katie sound like best friends and she thinks that Beth will get pregnant when Katie gets pregnant. Beth said she can't believe that woman figured out their plan. They're both going to get knocked up at the same time.
Another caller said that he appreciates what they're doing for the animals. He thanked Beth for doing that and said he just can't do what she does. Howard gave her another plug for the North Shore Animal League web site.
Joey Boots called in and said that Howard won't grab titties or ass on the show anymore and he wanted her to give him permission to do that. Beth said she has no control over that. Howard said that Beth has never denied him that. It was Howard's choice not to do that anymore. Boots was asking her to give him permission to do it but Howard didn't want permission. He said he has daughters and he also loves Beth and doesn't want to ruin anything with her.
Ralph called back, again, and said that it would be so hot if Beth and Katie made out. Howard asked Katie if she's ever fantasized about being with another woman. She said that she thinks that a threesome would be too much work for her. Howard asked Beth if Katie came to her and asked if she wanted to be with her, would she do it. Beth said that she would allow it if she was with both of them.
Katie said that she's never kissed a woman before. The guys found that hard to believe but she insisted that it was true. Howard figured she had never had anal before either. She said that was an exit only on her and she doesn't do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Billy doing that Oprah show and how uncomfortable he was there. Katie said that he's uncomfortable on TV in general and he didn't have a bad experience there or anything. She said that it would have been nice if they had gotten to more of his accomplishments than they did. Katie thought that Oprah was great with her.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Beth about Howard spanking her. She doesn't like to be spanked according to Howard. She said that he still pulls her hair once in a while and sometimes it hurts.
Howard took one last call from a guy who said that he thought the show was going to jump the shark today with Katie on. He said that he managed to bring it all out with her today though and it was a good interview. He said that Howard has pulled it off again.
Double A called in and said that he wanted to thank Beth for doing the great thing she does for the animals. He said that he's going to go running with her too. He said that she's very beautiful and he didn't know the meaning of inner beauty until he met her.
Robin said that her driver saw Beth the other day and he started talking about how beautiful she really was. She said that he became a poet describing her. She wanted him to call in with that stuff but he was afraid that he would be thought of as a stalker.
High Pitch Eric called in as Billy Joel and asked Katie to make out with Beth. That wasn't going to happen. The guys noticed that most of the cookies were gone and Artie was close to passing out. There were only 4 left and Katie said there were about 20. The Howard TV guys were playing a fast motion video of Artie eating them and had the guys cracking up as they were wrapping up. Howard wrapped up with Katie and Beth a short time later and went to break.
Howard asked Artie if he was awake. He was barely there and almost passing out from all of the cookies he had eaten. George said he felt responsible for that and he should have taken them away from him. Artie said that he's not sure he could have done that if he had tried. George said that he may be 70 but he is in shape.
George said that there were only 2 cookies left now. He said he didn't eat that many and should have eaten more. He went on to talk about how charming Beth and Katie were. He said that they were beautiful too. Howard said he felt the same way about Brad. George said that he'd tell him that.
George said that Brad used to be lean, slim and muscled when he was in the marathon club that he used to be in. He said he would have joined Beth in that marathon if it was back then. He said that they have a picture of Brad, in his prime, hanging in the bedroom. He's nude in the picture. He said that they do show certain people the picture so Howard said he hopes that he gets to see it some day.
Howard said that Robin had a picture of herself hanging in her house. Robin said that she wasn't nude though. Artie asked George to move so he could lay down in there.
George said that he may have to get his artist friend to do some pictures for them. He said that Leonard Nimoy has done some photography collections and took pictures of some obese women when a fan challenged him to do that.
Howard said that Artie was moving George aside so he could lay down. He told him to go lay down on the couch instead. Artie said he just wanted to do the thing he usually does but then told George he was just kidding.
Artie said that he was bullshitted from the beginning and told it was going to be 2500 seats. He said he found out a week before the gig that it was in a tent for 500 people with no air conditioning. This is in South Florida.
Artie said that he was asked to do another show but he refused and wanted to do just the one. He said that the whole thing was a mess. It was raining and hot and just awful. He said that Greg Fitzsimmons and Eddie Brill told him that it was the worst they had ever been treated by a promoter in their whole life.
Artie said that he was doing this as a favor. He said that now they're refusing to pay him for the gig. He said this is the first time that's ever happened to him in his life. He said that they told him that the money was in escrow and they still haven't paid him after 2 weeks.
Artie said that he called Neil up and he told him that they're not returning his calls. Artie said that he wants to strangle someone now. He said that Neil can't get the people to call him back and now he doesn't know what to do. Artie said that the payment is over 20 grand and he's feeling so bad he's going to pay Greg and Eddie out of his own pocket. He said that it's going to cost him over $6,000 out of his own pocket. He said he's really aggravated over this.
Artie said that he had to pay for his flight down there, his hotel, Teddy's flight and all of that. Artie didn't know how Steve found out about that. Steve said they never reveal their sources.
Artie said that he had a check bounce at one club about 5 years ago but the club was very professional about the whole thing and got him a new check. He said that's the closest he ever came to not getting paid. This gig down in Florida was a complete disaster and he even took less money than he usually takes. JD said that the meet and greet that Artie did turned into everyone in the tent coming back stage.
Steve said that Artie got a shout out from Richard Roeper when he reviewed Adam Carolla's movie The Hammer. Steve will have more on that. They'll also have more on the PSA that Artie was supposed to do. they're not returning Howard 100 News' phone calls. George said that they wanted to put out a press release about that but he asked them not to.
Steve said that Stuttering John is in some legal trouble for allegedly not paying a production company for the movie he made. They'll have more on all of those stories today. Howard said he can't imagine John being cheap after accusing other people of being cheap.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they were going to cover today. He mentioned Jeff Conaway and how he showed up with a knife on him in the studio. That led to Howard asking Ronnie how that slipped past him. Ronnie said that he's not in charge of that, it's the SIRIUS security guys who do that. They don't wand (metal detector) the celebrity guests... other than Steve-O. Howard said that they didn't fail then. Ronnie said that he thinks that they should wand everyone. Howard said he wants Ronnie in charge of that stuff from now on.
Ronnie said that they're going to start wanding more people now and he's going to make sure they take care of that from now on. Artie said that they wanded him when he first came on the show with Norm MacDonald.
Jon finished up his Wrap Up Show preview and Howard let him go after that. He had Steve the Intern come in after that with his Intern Show preview. Mike said that the interns have a new person they hate and that would be High Pitch Mike after hearing him going off on Artie yesterday. They'll be talking about that and some other things tonight on The Intern Show at 7pm on Howard 101.
Robin read a story about Jay-Z and Beyonce getting a marriage license. She also had a story about the national Kick Butts Day where people are supposed to give up smoking. That led to Howard and Robin trying to talk Artie out of smoking. Artie said he knows he has to quit. It won't happen though. Howard wondered if there was anyone else who smokes on the staff. Robin said that Sal used to smoke. Artie said that he likes to look cool though. He said that when he has a kid he won't make them wear a bike helmet because it doesn't look cool.
Robin read a story about a woman who had a sex change operation to become a man and is now having a baby. They're promoting it on the Oprah Winfrey show as a man having a baby but that's like false advertising according to Howard. He said that she's still a woman.
Howard mentioned that Velvet Revolver broke up and Stone Temple Pilots is getting back together and going out on tour. He said that Scott Weiland probably wanted to go back to making money with the band since Velvet revolver didn't really have any hits. Robin said they had at least one song that was a hit.
Robin read a story about the amount of time that people should be having sex. this study found that under 15 minutes is the ideal time. Howard said that he believes that the 3 minutes he takes is plenty. He said that he wouldn't want to irritate her by going too long.
Robin brought up American Idol and that led to Howard talking about how horrible the show was. they were featuring Dolly Parton music and it was really bad. Howard said that Ralph was talking to him about the kid with the dreadlocks and he thinks that he's got to be high all the time. Howard said that made him think and he's thinking he might be right. He's unable to answer questions when he's asked.
Howard said that Ryan Seacrest tried to do an April Fools Joke on that show yesterday and it was just awful. Howard played that clip and it was obviously a joke. He said that his April fools joke should have been making out with a woman.
Robin had a story about Hillary Clinton challenging Barack Obama to a bowling match. Howard said that he wishes that she was serious about that because he'd support that. He said that he'd love to produce it too.
Robin had Howard play some clips from last night's American Idol show. Howard thought all of the songs were bad. Ralph called in after that and talked about some of the kids on the show. Howard didn't want to get into a long discussion about that and hung up on him. He said he's so glad he didn't give him an ISDN line.
They had some clips of Dolly Parton talking about American Idol. She's 70 years old and George said that 70 really isn't that old because he's 70. Howard said that George is a young 70 though.
Robin had some audio clips of John McCain talking to David Letterman last night when he was on. Robin went through a few more political stories about Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Jesse Ventura and more.
Robin had more on the Jay Leno story they talked about earlier. She had Artie play some audio of Jay talking to Ryan Phillippe trying to get him to do a gay look for the camera. He's had to apologize for that. She went through that story quickly and then read through some other stuff about high gasoline prices. She also mentioned that it was child abuse prevention month. Howard ended the show a short time later around 11:10am. Artie mentioned he's going to be on the Adam Carolla show today and George mentioned that he'll be on Conan O'Brien's show tonight.
Gary said that he didn't know how she was going to be there but Howard made the interview work. He said that her cookies were very good too. He said he only tired half of one but it was really good. He said that Jason had the other half. He said that Artie told Howard he didn't eat all of the cookies because ''Gary ate one.'' Meanwhile Artie ate about 17.
Gary and Jon talked about how pretty Christie Brinkley still is at 51 years old. They also talked about how Beth and Howard were talking about the pictures they took of themselves nude and how surprised they were at that.
Sal said that he didn't want to make Beth uncomfortable so he didn't bother coming out to say hello to her. He said it was in his best interest to stay away from her. He said he fucks up everything he touches so he figured it would be best to avoid her. Gary said that Sal has finally figured that out after 2 years.
Gary told Sal that was a smart thing to do. Sal is hoping that she'll eventually wave to him or something in the future. He said he was busy in the back and didn't even listen. He said he tuned into Martha Stewart for a few minutes.
The guys were talking about how Beth probably would have been fine with Sal if he had come into the studio. Sal said he thinks that she would take the high road no matter what. Gary thinks that Beth and Katie are very close and maybe Beth would talk about what he did to her. Sal said he's not sure, that's a tough one. He said that he thinks that she'd always say something nice while he's not like that himself.
Benjy thinks that if Sal had walked by her it would have been fine. Gary disagreed and said that Sal always has the potential to do something wrong. He might turn the wave into something else and then say something inappropriate and it just snowballs from there. Sal agreed. He said that he and women just don't mix so he stayed out of her way.
Sal said that he thought the interview was okay with Beth and Katie. He said he actually did listen to it. He was just kidding when he said he didn't tune in.
Sal said that a cook book isn't that hard to write. He said that having her on to promote the book wasn't that original. He didn't think that it merits an interview on the Howard Stern Show. Gary said that they didn't have her on just to talk about the book. Sal said that it could have gone by with a quick mention instead of a full interview.
Benjy thought the interview was very interesting with Billy's new wife and the fact that Billy is 39 years older than her. Sal still wasn't convinced and didn't think she should have been on for such a long interview. Gary said he would have booked her for the show just based on how old she is and who she's married to.
Sal said that the stuff that came out during that interview was very good. He didn't think that the ''old Howard'' wouldn't have had her on. He thought it was a good interview. He was going back and forth like he couldn't make up his mind about it.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Katie about how many guys she's been with. That led to Sal saying that he had a problem with Katie talking about her driver and going down to Miami. He said that it's that Hamptonite lifestyle he didn't want to hear about. He wanted to hear about her sex stories and stuff like that. He went off on her about that stuff and how he didn't need to hear about her lavish lifestyle.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he didn't like that interview with Billy Joel's wife. He thought it was a pointless interview and he's not sure why he had her on. He said that she came off pretentious and annoying to him.
Sal said he didn't agree with that guy completely. He said that he thought she was a good guest but he's not a fan of that type of interview. Damn he's confusing...
Another caller said that he didn't like the interview either. He said that Billy Joel hasn't done much since Glass Houses. He said he didn't like the interview at all and he didn't want to hear about Katie wanting to do her own laundry. Jon thanked him for the call and had to go to break a short time later.
The guys talked about his appearance on Celebrity Rehab and how he's had some tough times over the years. He was on Babylon 5 for a while and did well there but this Celebrity Rehab has really gotten his career going again.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Jeff about his drug abuse. The guys talked about how he did have a great sense of humor today. Gary said that he always has excuses for everything he does. He said that you're supposed to take responsibility for what you do when you're a drug addict.
Sal said that he was skeeved out by Jeff talking about the bathtub beer that his grandmother made. He said that was just gross to him. He said that they do so many things in a bathtub and he doesn't want to drink his father's semen. Benjy asked him if he'd rather just bathe in his father's semen. Sal just laughed.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jeff has held up pretty well for the amount of drugs he's done. Gary said that he has but he is kind of hunched over. He said that he walks around with the cane all the time too.
Sal said that he saw Jeff signing a piece of paper and he really felt bad for the guy but he was a great interview.
Jon took a call from a guy who wrote down some names of some people who have been on the show that probably deserved a pat down. Gary said that you really can't pat down celebrities, that's just not going to happen. He said that they may need a metal detector though. He said that they do have stuff like that at other buildings.
The caller said that he had Ted Nugent, Big Foot, The Iron Sheik and some other names on the list. Gary said that he'd want all of them patted down. He said that he'd prefer not to have any weapons in the studio at all. Sal gave him Steve-O, Danny Bonaduce and Chyna. Gary said that Steve-O and Danny of course should be patted down.
Ronnie the Limo Driver called in and said that most of the people they mentioned have been patted down. Gary asked if it gets weird when they have to pick and choose who they pat down. Ronnie said he has to go by what the guests have done in the past. He said that they won't pat down Pam Anderson or Jenny McCarthy. They didn't pat down Danny Bonaduce either. They don't want to insult certain people like Al Roker who came in yesterday.
Sal asked about Jonny Fairplay. Ronnie said that they did pat him down and he didn't really have a problem with that. He said he didn't make the right decision with Jeff this morning and he ended up in the studio with a knife. He said he should have had better judgment on that one. He said that they did pat down John Popper when he was on last. He said that he still manages to get in a weapon somehow even when they do pat him down.
The guys asked Ronnie if Scott is upset about what he did to him this morning. Ronnie said that now Artie is offering him tickets even though he didn't ask for them.
Gary said that picking and choosing who to pat down is really a tough thing to do. Jon and Sal said that they were wanded down the first time they walked in. Benjy said that he still gets it about 3 days a week when he comes in.
Sal asked Teddy if he got beaten down at the event in Miami. Teddy said that he did take some of the abuse for that. He said that they may be straightening all of that out soon thanks to them bringing it up on the air.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is the same guy who sniffed his friend's daughter's panties at his house and his views on the interviews are kind of weird. He said that he thought that the interview with Katie Lee Joel was a great one. He said that Sal is just a bitter man who is jealous of people around him.
Gary said that he thinks that Sal is the funniest when he doesn't even know he's being funny. Sal said that he agrees with the caller about the interview being good for what Howard was dealt with the guest. He said that her attitude turned him off personally and that was just his opinion.
The caller liked the interview and hearing what goes on out there in a celebrity's life. Benjy asked Sal if he would be offended by anyone who has money like Katie and Billy do. Sal said that the money doesn't matter, it's the attitude.
The guys kept digging and trying to find out more from Sal about Katie. He said he's more entertained by the stuff that's happening in the rest of America, not in that 1 percent of the rich. Jon pointed out that Howard is part of that group now. Sal said that he wasn't always part of that though. He said he just doesn't want to hear about Katie's lifestyle. He said that Beth O doesn't even talk about that stuff. He didn't want to put his foot in his mouth so he seemed to be skirting around the subject and wouldn't say what he wanted to say. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show talking about the Garypalooza show they were going to be doing today with Gary the Retard. He said that he's pretty sure that no one knows what it's about. He said that Gary contacts them every year and says that he wants to come in for his birthday. His birthday is on February 29th so he really only has one every 4 years. It's April now so they're going to celebrate it today.
Howard said that they have a rocket ship in the studio and that plays into this whole thing. He said they have balloons all around the room and they'll have a bunch of people visiting him. He said they're going to have Sal as Abraham Lincoln talking to him and tell him they're sending him to the moon. Their going to rocket ship him to the moon which is what they have the green room made up like. He's going to be able to play in the ''moon'' room later on.
Howard said they're going to have Imus visit Gary as well. They'll have him trying to lure Gary away from the show to his show. Fred is going to be doing the Imus thing. He said they're going to have the doctor who delivered Gary as a baby come in to talk about dropping him on his head. Then they'll have Hitler come in since Gary is kind of anti-Semitic. He said that Will is going to be dressed up as Angelina Jolie.
Howard said he knows that Gary gets excited about this whole thing. He thinks that he's going to believe that he's on the face of the moon when they send him into the green room too. He said they've got it looking like it's really the moon in there too. The Howard TV guys showed what it looks like in there.
Isaac from Howard TV said they have cheese in the green room so they'll be asking Gary to find cheese on the moon. He said that they're going to tell him he has gravity boots on so that's why he's not floating away from the moon. They have a whole space suit for him to wear too.
Howard asked how much that space ship cost them. Artie was wondering about too. Isaac said that they maxed out their budget with all of this stuff. He went over and showed the space ship to the guys. George said that it looked like a giant hair spray can.
George said that he's going back to California today and he's going to be in the next Adam Sandler movie. He said he's not sure what the movie is about because they only sent him one page of the script. He said that there are more pages for him but they only sent him the one. Howard said that he should be good in that movie.
George said that Brad is going to stay behind there in the city while he heads home. They were supposed to go see Macbeth together but Brad is going to take Pam Sabean, Tim's wife, to the play instead.
Howard talked about how pissed Pam must be that Tim moved to New York for this job. He said that she had a lot of friends down in Philly where they came from and she had to move away from them all.
George said that he's flying out around 2:30 today. Artie is flying out at 3:30. He said that it would be funny if they were flying out on the same plane and ended up sitting together all day long. George said that he'd be afraid to sit next to Artie because he'd have to pull up his arm rest to make room for him.
Howard got a copy of the plot of the new Adam Sandler movie and it was about an Israeli fighter pilot who fakes his death to go to New York to become a hair dresser. They talked about how bad that sounded.
George gave some of his lines but there wasn't much to it. Howard said that it was written by Sandler, Judd Apatow and Robert Smigel so it could be pretty funny.
Howard talked to Isaac about the space ship some more and asked where they got it from. He said they have a company that builds stuff for them. Artie asked if they were busy or something. He didn't seem to be too impressed with the space ship.
Howard said he heard that Gary ended up getting locked into the rocket ship yesterday. Gary said that he was testing it out to make sure that Gary the Retard can get into it. He said that they were joking around with him but then the latch didn't get unlocked and he got stuck.
Howard wondered how it was going to get unlocked for Gary the Retard then. Isaac said they had a way to get it all set up.
Howard had Gary reading his script but when he read that Doug Goodstein was supposed to be there it screwed everything up. They had to go through rehearsal but Doug wasn't there. Jason was going to play his part but he didn't have the script written out.
Artie said he liked their first instinct to not use the Baba Booey references in the script. Howard said they might have to do it that way. They read through some more of that as Fred was playing his sound effects. He had the interior of the space ship sound effects and all of that going as they were going through this rehearsal.
Artie said it would be funny if Gary the Retard walked in and said ''What's up with the fake rocket ship?'' Howard said that they're like the mean people who goof on the retards with this stuff. He said that he's not doing it to be mean though. He said he knows that Gary gets a kick out of meeting these celebrities that they have in to greet him. He said he won't spend too much time on it though.
Robin said that he may fall for the Abraham Lincoln thing but she's wondering if he'll actually get into that space ship. Howard said that they're going to be giving him some ''Jew spray'' when Hitler comes in and they'll have to see if he uses it on anyone.
Fred played his moon sound effects and they were just jungle sounds. Howard said he wasn't sure if he liked that. Fred said he wanted to do that to see if Gary noticed. Howard said he might have to play the Dr. Who music that he plays when Eric the Midget calls in. Fred said he could do that. Artie suggested the theme song from Sanford and Son instead.
Howard played with that idea and practiced asking Gary some questions. Fred was playing the part of Gary the Retard. Howard told Fred to go either way with the sound effects.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this week was another great week of shows. He said that George was great. He was asking George about Brad and how he felt after that Newlyweird Game. George said that he was very nervous and very relieved that it was over.
Another caller said he saw the Newlyweird Game and thought it was great. He said that they also have an old show up with Refrigerator Perry. He said that Artie started cracking up during that show when Fridge said that he just had some eggs for breakfast. Artie said there must have been more to that and he was trying to remember it.
Howard said he hopes that George can come in more often. George said that he'll try to come back as regularly as he can. Howard played some of the George Takei song parodies they have as they were talking about that.
Another caller told George how great he is. Howard let him go and took another call from a guy who said he just saw the Evil Dave kiss with his girlfriend and it reminded him of Artie when he attacks his food. The guys talked about how extraordinary that kiss was. Howard said that wasn't an April Fools joke either. That was really Dave's girlfriend. Howard said that he doesn't see a good end to that relationship when someone else comes in and steals her away from Dave.
George Takei was coming up with some names and threw them out to Eric. Howard threw in some more of the edited clips as well. Eric showed George the ''Heroes'' t-shirt he was wearing. Howard described the room that they were looking at him in on his web cam.
Howard said he had a girl on the phone claiming that she had auditioned for Eric. It was Richard Christy doing a voice and talking about how he had been used as a body for Eric and that's what this whole thing was about, rebuilding Eric. He said that Johnny Fratto is like Dr. Frankenstein and they're building him a new body.
Eric said that he knows that's Richard and not ''Candy'' because he used the same name the last time he called in. Richard told him that was a different Candy. He warned all strippers to stay away from Eric because they're just farming out the body parts.
Eric was growing a moustache and goatee so Howard pointed that out. He thanked him for the update and told him to call them when he goes to his first strip club. Eric said he wanted to say to George that when he goes to the set of the Secret Talents of the Stars to say hello to Rick Flair and Bridget for him. George said he'd do that.
George said that Eric should call himself ''Sweet Eric''' and name his modeling agency that. Eric told Howard that he should fire Shuli and Steve Langford. He said that Shuli thought he had a story and ended up spending 2 hours trying to get this story. Howard thanked him for the call and hung up on him a short time later.
Bong hit Bill called in and thanked George for being on the show this week. He said that he did great on Conan last night too. Howard said that he was kind of upset that George was the second guest on the show last night. He said that George has to be more popular than John Leguizamo.
Howard told George that he has to demand that he be first on shows like that. He said he has to talk to him about that stuff from now on.
Howard played some clips from the Conan appearance but he was playing them out of order. He said that he should probably just play them in order or play the whole thing. In the first clip Conan asks George about how he got involved with the Howard Stern show. George explained how he first heard the show and thought about how offensive the show was. It turned out to be the show he was about to go on. He then went on and said that Howard said that when he has such a deep voice he must have a big dong. That was his first meeting with him.
Conan talked to George about his hate for William Shatner and how he did the roast of him last year. George told the jokes that he used for the Shatner roast. He also talked about some other stuff that was pretty racy. He was getting kind of dirty on the show and Howard said he thinks that this show is getting to him. George said that Howard has kind of changed him that way. He said that 5 years ago he wouldn't have talked that way. The audience was applauding him when he said something about his partner sucking him off.
Howard said that it's all about George's honest and that's what's refreshing about him. He said that it's like a new George. George said that he grew up closeted in his life and being on this show has showed him how free he can be. He said that it really is Howard that has opened him up in that way.
Howard played some more of the Conan interview where they were talking about the Shatner thing some more. Artie said that the appearance was really good. He said that George was great on Conan and he was great at the Shatner roast too.
Howard played the opening for George's Conan appearance where he was introduced and played on to the tune of Star Trek. George and Conan were talking about some Star Trek stuff in the beginning. George was also talking about how to eat healthy and mentioned eating fiber. One of the audience members cheered the fiber reference so Conan picked up on that and joked around about it.
Howard said that George also talked about doing some voice acting for the Godzilla movies when he was younger. He would do the translations and try to lip sync them. They actually found the clip from the Godzilla movie and George was saying ''banana oil'' instead of stupid fool in the clip because that matched the lip sync. Howard didn't have that one to play though.
Wolfie said that they're mixing in a lot of REM songs on the channel. It's on channel 18, the Spectrum. Howard thanked him for the call and said that he'd give him the chance to win $500. He said he had a Mystery Record to play. Howard told Wolfie that the guy is famous but not a regular singer. The money was courtesy of the new season of Battlestar Galactica.
Howard played the song and there was a woman singing at first. Then the guy comes in and sings. Howard said that the guy is an actor but he plays guitar and sings on this album. He had a bunch of songs that he sings on this album so he played another example. He was playing guitar in that clip.
Robin asked what actor could be that cool. Artie had a guess but he didn't want to spoil it. Howard said that this guy is a movie star. Wolfie wanted Artie's help so Howard let him give him some hints. Artie said that the guy he was thinking of was Billy Bob Thornton. Robin said that he's not that cool. George said that he thought it was Bruce Willis. Howard asked if anyone said it was Gary Coleman. Gary said that the first track might help identify him.
Robin said that this guy was too cool to be any of those people. Wolfie had to go with Billy Bob. Robin went with Val Kilmer. It turned out to be Steven Seagal. The album is called Mojo Priest. Howard played some more of the album and Robin said that the Losers could go up against them but they might lose. Gary said that they really are good and they probably would lose to them.
The guys talked about how good the album was but Howard said that he's not as good as Evil Dave and played some of his horrible singing. Howard let Wolfie go a short time later. He said he gave him the money anyway even though he didn't win the game.
Howard said he had to go to break but Artie mentioned this picture of Giselle Bundchen that was in the paper today. He said that she's really hot. Howard said that he doesn't get what's so great about her but after seeing that picture he kind of gets it now. They talked about how hot that was and even George was getting turned on by it because it was so hot.
Artie said he was going to turn to George and show him the picture but then he realized he was gay and turned away. George said that he saw him make that move to keep it from him. They spent a minute talking about how hot she was. The picture was in the NY Post today. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he heard about Lisa's interview with Conan about his problems with Jay Leno. Lisa told Conan about that and about how he stole Stuttering John away. Conan said that he's going to steal Artie away then. Howard said that he didn't have a problem with John for leaving the show, he had a problem with the way Jay went about getting him. He said that he didn't like John's comments about his pay recently but he still doesn't dislike the guy.
Lisa was speaking for Howard during that interview so he had to correct her on some of what she was saying. He said that Conan was making light of that Jay Leno thing but he must know how wrong it was to go behind his back and steal John away and then still want to be his friend. He said that even Jay knows that it's wrong.
George said that they wouldn't be able to steal Artie away, they feed him too well there at SIRIUS. He said that Artie eats straight through the show.
Howard asked Artie what he had eaten so far today. Artie said he had an Entenmann's coffee cake he got out of the vending machine. Howard said he was eating it with a fork and asked why he was doing that. He said he doesn't want to get grease on the microphone. He said that they're kind of greasy and buttery or something and he doesn't like getting it on his stuff.
Howard asked him what he ate earlier. He had a bagel and butter with Hawaiian Punch. George said he had a Pepsi too. He had a bottle of marinara sauce over there as well. He didn't have any pancakes though.
Howard asked Artie if he was actually hungry. Artie said that it was just something to do, that's why he was eating. He said he'd like to look at Lisa G's ass. She said that it was fun to look at his waist line too. That led to them playing Artie's theme song about him going to the vending machine. Artie took that break as a chance to eat some more food.
Howard said that he thinks that the crumb cake is more healthy than some of the stuff he eats. George said that he hadn't seen him eating the big pile of pancakes drowning in syrup lately.
Artie looked at the calories of the cake and said that it was 360. He said he didn't think it was going to be that high. It turns out that one little cake was 2 servings so it was actually 720 calories. Then he said that it was just 1.5 servings so he was wrong about that. It was still a lot of calories for such a small portion.
Howard played another song parody about Artie and his love of pancakes. The guys sang along a little bit to that song. They had some fun with that for a minute.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted them to get to Gary the Retard. Howard said they would get to that in a minute. He took another call from a woman who mentioned the Gary the Retard thing. Howard told her not to spoil it because Gary could hear it now.
Lisa said that she ran into Sue Simmons, a local newscaster, last night and spoke to her about Howard. She said that she found out from Beth last night that they're going to have a couple of parties for their wedding. She said that Beth told her some of the details and they're just going to marry alone and then throw two parties for friends and family.
Robin said she finds that very weird. Howard said that it's not weirder than Robin not being able to say she loves Jim Florentine. He said that he doesn't want all of them coming to his wedding and mixing it up with his family. Robin asked if she could perform the ceremony. Howard said she can if she wants. He said that maybe he could get the Reverend Wright to do it.
Gary the Retard is 56 years old now. Howard said he was having some problems with his microphone today and he had to get that fixed. Robin said that it might be too close to his mouth. Howard said they were going to go through a whole thing trying to get that right.
Mike Gange tried to fix the microphone but Gary came in and told Howard that Scott the Engineer promised him that it was going to work. Howard said that there was a lot of noise coming off the microphones. Howard said that they have to test this stuff before they put it in there. Gary said that they did test it as far as he knew.
Howard said he was just going to barrel through this. He told Gary he was very happy he had him there today and then said he wasn't too happy with the engineering department today.
Howard said he had a lot of special guests for Gary. Gary said that he really likes Miss Howard Stern. Howard said he heard about that. Gary then said that he was pissed off about Miss Howard Stern being chained up to a heater. No one had any idea what the hell he was talking about though. He had seen her on the internet or something.
Howard said they don't have Miss Howard Stern there but they do have some other women. Gary's mic cut out for a few seconds so Howard said he was going to go home. He couldn't catch a break.
Howard said that Gary did a comedy show recently and got kicked off the stage for using the N-word. Gary said that they use that word in comedy shows. Howard told him he can't use it in his comedy though.
Howard heard that Gary had been jerking off to Miss Howard Stern and asked him what he was imagining while he was doing that. Gary said he was screwing her in his fantasy. He said that he was kissing her and having sex. He said she sat on his lap in Las Vegas and he really liked it. Howard said that he wants to be on Superfan Roundtable too but he wasn't sure if they could make that happen.
Howard started bringing in the guests for Gary to meet. They had the Doctor who delivered him when he was born. Richard came in dressed in a costume so Gary wouldn't know it was him. He said that he met him 56 years ago when he was born. Richard said he was the first person Gary ever saw. He said he was a cute baby but very slippery and that's why he dropped him on his head in the delivery room. That's how he became retarded. He said he was born a genius and doing math problems. Then he dropped him on his head and screwed that up.
Howard asked if there was any cure for Gary. Richard said there was a cure. He said that he has actually had a good life but they have found a way to make him not retarded. Gary said that he didn't want it. He said that he wanted to stay with Howard no matter what. He didn't want the cure for being retarded. Richard told him to think of the great things he could do if he wasn't retarded. Gary didn't want to hear it.
Richard told Gary that if they push a button on his prostate, they can reset his brain and turn off the retarded part of him. Howard said that all he'd have to do is stick his finger up his ass. Gary said he didn't want that, he wants to stay retarded.
Richard asked Gary if he ever wanted to know what 9 times 9 was. Gary said that it was 81 and surprised everyone with the correct answer. Richard said that someone must have pushed his reset button and he must not be retarded anymore. Gary said that no one is sticking their finger up his ass.
Howard said that they arranged to have Angelina Jolie come in to meet Gary. He didn't know who she was. Will came in dressed up like Angelina but Gary said that she looked kind of like a guy to him. Will did his girl voice and showed off his legs to him. Gary said he didn't want her to sit on his lap when Robin asked. Howard asked Angelina what kind of money she makes for doing movies. She said that she makes like 20 million and she really wants Gary the Retard. Gary wasn't attracted to her/him at all. Gary wasn't being fooled by that at all. Someone really must have hit the retard reset button.
Will went over to sit next to Gary but Gary ended up pushing him away. Will went in for a kiss but Gary didn't want that either so he pushed him away. Gary said that he doesn't like lipstick.
Howard asked Gary if he had heard of this guy Imus. Gary didn't know him but they had Fred come in dressed up as Imus. Fred did his Imus impression and talked to Gary a little bit. He was talking about how Howard rips him off and how he has more listeners than Howard does. He said that he also doesn't pay his people very well and that's why they leave the show. He asked Gary if he was being paid to be there today. He was talking over Gary so Gary told him to shut up. He didn't want to hear what he had to say. Imus was offering him 10 dollars a week to work for him but Gary wanted nothing to do with him. He told him to get out of there. Fred told Gary that he'd let him fuck his wife if he wanted. Gary wasn't interested in any of the stuff he was offering him.
Up next to meet Gary was Adolf Hitler. Howard said that Gary doesn't like Jews so that's why they brought him in. Richard was dressed up as Adolf and Artie was laughing at him. Richard was doing a bad accent and had Artie laughing at him a bit. Gary told Hitler to shut up because Howard is Jewish and if he doesn't like them then he's not going to like Howard.
Hitler brought in some ''Anti-Jew Spray'' for Gary and told him that he was going to give him the spray to use on people. He said that it turns Jews into Catholics. Gary wasn't interested in it. He said he didn't want anything to do with that. Howard had the guys bring in Jason so they could spray him with the Anti-Jew spray. Jason said that he loves money and he's a big money grubber. Richard sprayed him and Jason said that he loves Jesus now. Gary freaked out when he saw Jason drop his headset. Then Jason said that he was okay and dropped the five pennies he had in his pocket and said that he wasn't going to pick them up, he was just going to walk away.
Howard asked Gary if he wanted to spray him with the Jew Spray. Gary told Hitler to get out of there with that. He didn't want Howard getting sprayed with that shit.
Howard said that Gary didn't like Hitler, he didn't like Imus and he didn't like his doctor or Angelina Jolie either. Gary said that he's been sitting home listening to the radio for a long time now. Howard cut him off and said that they have another guest for him. He said it was Abraham Lincoln.
Sal came in as Abraham Lincoln and told Gary that he was going to put him in the Presidential Rocket Ship to fly him to the moon today. Gary saw the rocket and said that he wasn't going to fit in that thing. Howard told Gary that he was going to be the first retarded astronaut and they were going to send him to the moon. Gary said that he didn't want to go to the moon though. Howard told him he has to go to the moon.
Abe read a proclamation to Gary about how he was being sent to the moon and he would no longer be retarded. Gary said he wants to be retarded. Howard told Gary that they wanted to send him up there. Artie asked if anyone was going to play the part of John Wilkes Booth.
Howard told Gary to get in the rocket ship and they'd send him off to the moon. Robin wanted him to wear his space suit but Howard said he didn't care about that. Gary said that if they were lying to him he was going to kick someone's ass.
Gary got into the rocket ship but said that he was too big for it. They had him standing up in there and told him that he was going to be okay. Howard contacted NASA and told him that they were going to fly him out of there. Gary started to freak out when they moved the rocket. He was demanding that they put him down. Howard told him that he was in outer space and he was about to land. Fred played the rocket sounds and they flew him to the moon. Howard told him that they'd talk to him when he got there.
Gary landed on the moon so Howard told him to get out of the rocket. He got out and he was in the green room that was made up to look like the surface of the moon. Gary said that it was pretty scary there. He said that there were a bunch of Playboy books there. He said they had a bunch of stars there and he could see Earth from there.
Howard asked Gary if it was true the moon was made of cheese. He said that he did see some cheese there but he didn't want to pick it up. They told him to plant the flag they gave him on the moon. Gary said that he didn't want to pick up the cheese after they asked him to bring some back to Earth for them. He refused to do it no matter how many times they asked him to do it.
Howard said that this was historic, Gary was the first one to go to the moon. Gary said that his headset was cutting out. Howard said that's because he's on the moon. Howard and Robin asked Gary to bring back the cheese from the moon so he finally picked it up. He said that it had paper shit around it.
Howard asked Gary to get back in his rocket but he said he couldn't get into it himself. Howard said he can't get him back to Earth if he can't get into it. NASA contacted him and told him to back into it. Gary did manage to get back into it but he had a cramp in his leg.
Howard told the guys to just open the door and let him out. He said there was something wrong with that. Gary brought in the moon cheese for Howard. Howard said that he'd eat it. He said that Gary was the bravest guy he knew and congratulated him on his flight to the moon. He said he was a hero.
Artie said that out of all of the jokes in the bit the moon was the most believable one. Gary said that bouncing around in that rocket was the scariest part of his trip.
Gary asked Howard if he could get Howard TV. Howard said that they'd set him up with that. He asked him what the best part of his birthday show was. Gary said that it was just getting to come see him. He said that he's there for a couple more days and he's going to do some comedy shows. He said he wanted to go to Scores but Howard told him that they go to Rick's Cabaret now. He said he could talk to Ronnie about that. Ronnie said that they were going tonight. He said that they'll take him for his birthday tonight.
Howard said they should have had some naked girls on the moon. He wondered why that didn't happen. Ronnie said they'll get him some naked girls tonight. He said he won't fly in a rocket ship to the club. He said he's never getting back into that thing again.
Howard said that he thought Gary would love all of the people they brought in for him but he hated each and every one. They talked to Gary about his flight to the moon and he was saying that it was very scary. Howard said that next year they're going to have a time machine send him back in time to cave man times. He said that what they should do is send him back to this day and have him going to the moon again.
Howard said he loves Gary and told him that they'll send him over to Rick's Cabaret tonight. Ronnie said that this is going to be a great night with Rickeyman and Gary the Retard going out to party together.
Howard said that he thought it was funny when Jason got sprayed with the Jew Spray and dropped his money in the studio. Gary said that it was still sitting there. Gary said that Bob told him to say hello to Howard so he did that real quick. Gary wanted to come back in and do the news with Robin. Gary told her to stay away from that jerk Jim Florentine. He said that Jim is always complaining about stuff and he wants him to stop his fuckin complaining.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people comment on Gary's appearance. A few people goofed on Gary a little bit. One guy said that he thinks that Robin should show her boobs to him for his birthday. Gary said that he doesn't need to bug her with that kind of stuff. Howard said it would have been nice if she was on the moon to show her boobs.
One guy said that it was great that Gary loved seeing Howard more than his trip to the moon. That shows that he really loves Howard. Gary asked Howard how he and Beth are getting along. Howard said that they're getting married. Gary said that he's happy for him and he should get married.
Artie told Gary that he won't be invited to the wedding because there are no retards allowed. Gary told him to shut up. Artie asked him if he wanted to stay for the news. Gary said he did so Artie told him ''NO!'' Gary told him to shut up again.
Howard wrapped up with Gary a short time later and said that they are true fans of his. Gary said he heard that High Pitch Eric was in trouble with the law again. Howard said he didn't hear that, he didn't think he was in trouble right now. Gary said he heard he was living out on the street. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned that he and Ralph are going to go see ''Shine a Light'' this weekend. He heard a commercial for it during the break. Robin said that she might have to own that on DVD when it comes out.
After the break Howard said he hopes that Gary had a good birthday party. Robin said she thinks that he did. They were surprised that he didn't like the guests they brought in for him. George said that Will looked very good dressed up as a woman. He said he would make a great transvestite.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to play so he moved on to some of that stuff. He said that he had more of Jillian Barberie talking about him. He said that she really loves him and she's a great advertisement for the show.
Howard had some audio of Rick Flair breaking down and crying. He played some of him yelling during a wrestling match and then said that he was given the key to some city and he ended up getting really emotional. He got the key to Columbia, South Carolina and got all broken up about it. Howard said he would have told the guy that getting the key to the city doesn't really mean shit.
Gary said that George got the Key to Chattanooga, Tennessee. George said he was surprised by that but he didn't get all that emotional about it. Howard said he got the key to Las Vegas but it didn't mean much to him.
Howard played the audio of Rick Flair getting emotional at the ceremony where they gave him that key to the city. Rick gets up and thanks them for the key and then starts to break down about 5 seconds into his speech. He talked about how great the fans are and how much they love them down there. He breaks down crying after that.
Howard said that he didn't feel that way about the key to Las Vegas. He's not sure why Rick got that emotional but it must have been because someone was finally embracing him. Howard said that's some reaction there and someone needs to tell him that the key to the city is worthless. He said he doesn't mean to rain on his parade.
Howard had a clip from a newscast where a reporter said ''self inflicted cunt...cut wounds...'' He quickly played that and then said that Jenny McCarthy was on Larry King last night and said ''bullshit.'' He played that clip where Jenny is arguing with a guy about immunization shots because she thinks that her son is autistic because of the shots. She said that he went into cardiac arrest in front of her and then he was brought back.
Howard said he misses the old Jenny McCarthy who used to pee her pants in the tickle chair. He said that he can't wait for Jim Carrey to get sick of her and dump her. Robin said she hopes that doesn't happen and told Jim not to dump her. Artie said that he misses the old Jenny that could make you laugh with one of her goofy faces. He was being sarcastic.
Howard said that he heard that Larry King went to a baseball game for his son and ended up getting into a yelling match with the umpire. Larry was confused by Jenny's comment about her son dying and thought that she had lost another son, not the one who is autistic and living.
Howard said Jenny was probably all dressed up conservatively on the show last night. He said that Jenny wanted to go out with him at one point and he turned her down. He said that he'd use that if he ever got into an argument with Beth. He'd say that he passed her up for Beth if he has to.
Howard said that he doesn't need another kid in his life and doesn't want a healthy child, never mind an autistic kid.
Howard took a call from Syrus who said that the Gary the Retard bit was a great birthday present for him. He said that today is his birthday too and he liked that none of the bits worked. Howard said he liked that Gary didn't want to be cured of being retarded. He said he wanted to stay a retard and refused the treatment that Richard's doctor character was offering.
Howard said that he thinks Gary has been studying lately and he's smarter than they think. Artie said that he thinks that he's unbelievably dumb. Howard said that they were trying to make him happy by sending him to the moon but he was miserable. The guys were watching Gary on the moon on the studio monitors. They got some laughs out of that.
Howard got back to the Jillian Barberie discussion and said that she mentioned the show 3 times during one show the other day. He played the clip where she was talking about Tracy Morgan and Ryan Phillippe's appearances. Then she mentioned how much fun she used to have on the show. She then threw in another mention about him when they were talking about kids and their relationships with parents.
Howard said that Jillian's co-host changes the subject every time she brings him up. Howard said he saw a picture of Jillian in a Weight Watchers ad and she looked really good. The guys told him that he could have had her. Howard said that he had just started going out with Beth when Jillian came to town and offered to bang him. He said that he would have banged them (Jenny and Jillian) hard if he had the chance. He said that it would have been a shock and awe mission for him.
Artie talked about that anticipation of banging a chick and how the anticipation leads up to a big let down when you realize you're going to finish in about 3 seconds.
George said that he was noticing that Artie has a voracious appetite but he also has a lot of books and newspapers there. Artie had a book that he wanted to read called the New York Times Essential Guide to Knowledge. He said that he uses it as a reference guide and looks stuff up once in a while. He said that it's got a bunch of facts about a lot of stuff in there.
Howard said that's the kind of book Fred would read. Fred talked about reading the World Book Encyclopedia that was very easy to read when he was a kid. He said that he read the entire thing. Artie flipped through this book and found a mention of satellite radio. He read the little excerpt to Howard and they do mention Howard in there.
Artie read the note about Howard where they call him the ''Iconic'' radio personality. Artie said that he's probably the main reason satellite radio is mentioned in that book.
Richard said that he got the cheese sticks for free and he thinks that they must have his birthday in the computer and they offered the cheese sticks for free.
Howard said that he doesn't get why he'd go to Papa John's when there are real pizza places around. Artie said that he could take him to some real pizza places and he'd never go back there. Richard said that he knows what real pizza is like and he likes that but he loves the Papa John's pizza. He said that he loves to put extra stuff on his pizza and they have it set up that way at Papa John's.
Howard said he had a Benjy story too and didn't want to spend much time on it. Benjy has been brushing his teeth in the halls and he knows that its' just to get attention. He said that he doesn't have to try and be the weird guy there on the show. Benjy said that he's not doing it to be weird, he just likes to brush his teeth after he eats.
Benjy said that he usually goes to the bathroom to do it but there have been people in there. Howard told him to stop with that and just do it in the bathroom. He said that he was standing behind Jeff Conaway brushing his teeth while Jeff was doing his interview with Gregg. Benjy said that was something he and Gregg had worked out. Howard said that things can get too crazy around there sometimes.
Artie requested to hear a call. He said he wanted to hear the one where Ronnie gets a guy to say ''I'll pay you to meet you, I'll pay you to meet you...'' Howard said he'd try to get that one. The guys in the back looked it up and said they should have it in a minute. They had it a few seconds later.
Howard played the call that Artie was talking about. Artie started to laugh as soon as he heard the guy's voice. They got a few more laughs through the call. Artie said that guy is priceless.
Howard had another call that the guys made using clips of Ronnie trying to get an old lady to take her top off. Artie loved that one too and started laughing his ass off during that one.
Howard said that he would just hang up if he didn't know the voice. He doesn't get why these people stay on the line so long. He said he had to go to break but he wanted to play a couple of voice mails first.
Howard said he had some Crazy Alice voice mail. In the first one she talks about being upset about Artie going on this Iraq trip. She doesn't think that he's really ready to go over there to a war zone. She hopes that he takes care of himself over there. Howard asked Artie if he knows what he's in for. Artie said he doesn't but he is committed to going. He said that they are very vague about the security going over there.
Howard played another Crazy Alice voice mail where she says she's upset about the ''fag'' PSA that Artie was going to do. She said that she had some ideas for where Artie can donate his money if the LifeBeat people don't want it. She said that she's the charity.
Howard had Alice on the line so he talked to her about throwing out the anti-gay words that she was using in her voice mail. Alice said that she thinks that gay people go to hell and suck Satan's dick. Alice said that she had a half brother who was gay and he was very mean to her. She said that he was a mean bastard. George said that it's not because he's homosexual, it's because he treated her badly.
Alice asked George if he gets offended when he hears the N-word on the air. He said he does and he doesn't like any words like that. They spent a minute on that but Howard wanted to get moving and said he had to let Alice go.
Artie asked Alice if she was going to come out and see him out there this weekend. She said that she forgot about that. George said that he was going to be there too so she said that she'd like to come. Howard had to let her go because he was getting a headache. He said she was too lovey dovey today.
Howard replayed the voice mail that he had played a little while ago and he likes hearing her angry like that instead. Howard said they had to go to break after that.
The guys talked about the Raymond Burr thing and how he had an eating problem. That led to the guys talking about Artie eating more food. Artie said that it was a turkey sandwich. They spent a minute on that and then got into the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
The guys spent some time talking about the Britney Spears story they just heard and how a woman has to have a really smelly pussy for someone to catch a whiff from nearby. Artie asked George if he had ever smelled a dirty pussy. George said that he had. Artie assumed that all pussy was bad for him but George said that's not the case at all.
Artie said that he had to record this PSA because the HRC was going to be on his ass if he didn't. He said that they were ready to release a nasty press release about him.
Artie said that he thought that Neil Berliner was the producer of the event and from what Steve is saying it sounds like he was. He said that he's not sure what's going on with the money there. Howard said he's not happy about one of his guys getting stiffed and he talked to him on the phone last night.
Artie said that he had a signed contract for the gig so George told him that he can sue them then. Howard said that he might have to get Neil on the phone to ask him what's going on. He didn't want to do that today though. He said that he's going to let Artie try and work this out with him off the air first.
Steve said that they had to upgrade a helicopter for Artie out in California because of his weight. They're flying him from LAX to a gig he's doing out there in California. Artie said that they did something similar to him recently when he was flying out to the Hamptons. He said that one of the guys looked at him and said that they were going to need the other chopper.
Artie said that he probably weighs more than Teddy and JD combined so that's why they need the upgrade. George said that he does weigh more. Artie gave him a ''Oh fuck you George'' and went off on him in a joking way.
A caller asked Artie if he's going to be out there moaning and complaining after traveling out there. Artie said that he always puts on a good show.
Another caller said that Neil Berliner was on Greg Fitzsimmons show the other night and he was defending himself on there. Artie said that Greg didn't get paid so he's going to pay him out of his own pocket. Steve said that they heard that they were both paid already. Artie asked how that could happen if he didn't get paid. Steve said ''big bucks'' is the reason. There were some other strange details about that whole story.
Howard played the PSA recordings that Artie did. In the first clip Artie explains how his comedy can sometimes go over the line and be found offensive. He explained why he used the word ''fag'' when referring to a guy he thought was a gay person. He didn't mean to offend anyone with that.
Artie changed it up in the second recording. He explained why he used the ''f-word as the gay community calls it...'' He said that he doesn't condone the use of the word at all. Then he'd break down laughing about what he was recording and start over. He did it about 4 times.
Howard told Artie it was really bad and he shouldn't use any of them. Artie said he had one that was very simple and to the point. Howard told him not to use his name in the PSA at all. He said he should just apologize for the use of the word and that he's going to rethink the use of it. Robin said she doesn't think that Artie has any remorse for the use of the word. Artie said that he does.
In the final recoding Artie says that he lost his cool with someone he thought was a gay person and used the f-word with him. Everyone told Artie that's where he was going wrong. He didn't have to say that he thought the guy was gay.
High Pitch Mike came in and said that it's funny that he's saying he's remorseful now when he was asked many times and said he wasn't. Howard said that Mike isn't the police and he doesn't have to believe it. George asked Mike if he's sorry for what he said about Artie. Mike said that Artie hasn't apologized to him so he's not going to shut his mouth.
Mike went off on the girl that Artie is dating and how she's the one downstairs at Del Friscos who has the name tag that reads ''gold digger.'' Artie didn't get why he was mad at that girl. Mike said that he's just going to keep exposing him for what he is.
Howard said that he gets that there might be some social awkwardness with Mike and that might be where his anger comes from. Mike said that Artie has to admit that he's not a good looking guy and that no girl would be interested in him if he didn't have money.
Gary asked Mike why he's in there right now. He said that he always wants an apology and Artie is doing one and now he's pissed about it. He blamed Mike for causing LifeBeat to drop the money they were getting from Crumbs. He said that Mike is shitting on the PSA and there's no reason to do that. Mike said that Artie has bashed him and still hasn't apologized to him. He said that he's not going to stop doing this until he gets an apology.
Gary said that Mike acts like he's above everyone. Mike said that he just wants an apology for being defamed every day. Mike said that he is referring to him in the PSA and that's why he's so pissed. Howard said he doesn't agree with Gary on this.
Howard said that both Mike and Artie fight dirty when they fight on the air. He said that it's getting very ugly. He said that he doesn't think that being called gay is that big of a deal because he knows that Mike is not gay. He said that they should call an end to this fight and stop it already.
Artie said that he doesn't care about the AIDS thing and he hopes that Mike dies in a car accident or something so he's in pain for like 10 years. Or maybe he becomes a paraplegic. He said that he's mad at the kid who let Mike out of the locker in high school and really can't stand him. He told him not to come in there to just try and get attention anymore.
Mike said that if George ever wants to know how Artie feels about him he should come and listen to some audio he has. Howard said that's not right. He said that they're both very hurtful with one another.
Howard heard that Gary the Retard was yelling at the radio so they put him on the microphone and let him go off on Artie a little bit. He said he's on Mike's side in this and thinks that Artie is out of line. Gary told him to quit doing the drugs and quit missing so much work. Artie said he wished he could argue with that but he was making some good points, unlike Mike.
Howard let Gary go after that but he was still going off on Artie for missing work. Ralph called in and said that he's not sure why Artie is apologizing for the use of that word. anyone that knows Artie knows that he doesn't mean it in an angry way when he uses the word in his act. He doesn't mean to hurt anyone with it. Ralph also wondered when Mike became the moral compass for the show. He said that Mike is the one who always starts it with Artie too. He said that he should stop complaining about being called a fag and just go away.
Neil explained that he volunteered to work with this organization down there. He said he knew the people on the show and asked if they wanted him to contact them to do a show. They said that would be great so that's why he did this. Neil said that the venue owes Artie the money. He said that the reason is that there was a miscommunication between the internet ticket company and the event and they have to recalculate the amount. Howard asked how long that is going to take. Neil said that he can't speak for the venue. He said that they have told him they're working on it. He said as soon as they settle with the ticket agency and the venue, they'll pay him.
Artie asked why he has to wait, it's not his problem that they haven't worked anything out. Neil said that there was some confusion about the number of shows and how many people where there. He said he really has no experience with this and didn't deal with the financial aspects of it. He said he'll never do it again.
Howard told Neil to get him an answer by 3 o'clock today. Neil said that he'd do that. Neil also said that Greg Fitzsimmons and Eddie Brill got paid because they were paid a flat fee. Artie is supposed to get a percentage so that's why he hasn't been paid yet. Howard said that this is very simple to solve. there was no second show, they didn't have to refund any money and they should just pay Artie the money they owe him. Howard let Neil go and said he has never heard such nonsense.
Howard then had Mutt on the phone to give his Superfan Roundtable preview. Mutt said they have Joey Boots back on the show tonight and Gary the Retard as well. He said that they're going to talk to the fans about the Garypalooza and how they thought it went. Howard said he thinks that it'll make a good Howard TV show.
Mutt said they're going to talk about the fans who turned on Howard during the April Fools joke. They're going to talk about how the fans have been turning on him a lot lately. Howard said that he doesn't think the fans have the right to turn on him at all. If they're real fans they should like everything he does. He told them to take their negativity away.
Howard said that he really can't take any type of negativity from his fans. He goes on that SternFanNetwork.com and gets all pissed off when he reads something negative about the show. He said that the one place he should be able to see all positive things about the show is on his fan site.
Howard said that he got a copy of an article from his friend who owns a car dealership about how happy the dealers were that the merger could possibly go through. He said he's not sure why the merger hasn't been approved by the FCC yet.
Jeff the Drunk called in to congratulate George on another great week. George thanked him for that and said that it was a great week. Jeff said he'll be watching George on that show next week too. He's going to be on ''The Secret Talents of the Stars'' on Tuesday, April 8th at 10pm on CBS. He asked the fans to vote for him on the web when that comes up next week.
Robin got to her news and read through one story about some third graders who were planning to kill their teacher. They did that all because their teacher made one of them stand on a chair.
The guys talked about Robin going on The View and how they might try to send her to the moon like they did with Gary the Retard today.
Robin read a story about Oprah's dog dying and how Oprah spent some time talking about what the dog meant to her. Howard said that he likes his dog and all but he doesn't have that long of an attention span to spend a lot of time with her. He said that he might spend 10 minutes a day with her. that's all he has though because he's so busy. Robin asked him why he has a dog then. He said he likes having her around. Fred told him that 10 minutes might not be enough a day. He said that he may want to spend more time with her. Artie said that he was getting from all of this that dogs suck. A short time later he said he just got an email from another charity asking him to do a PSA apologizing for that comment.
The guys asked George about his dog and what kind of time he spent with her. He said he had a lot of time to spend with her. Howard said he had to go to break but Robin had to finish her Oprah story first. She read through that before they broke.
Jason came in and said that he has been taking care of the voice mail service so far. He said that no one else has asked for access to it yet. He said that the number is (646) 435-1548 if you want to donate money or buy tickets to the charity event.
Gary said that he's not sure what's going on with this whole thing but the post office has been complaining about them not having the proper paperwork to accept mail the way they were. Howard said that Jason's message was horrible and he was fumfering through the message. Jason said that people were throwing shit at him while he was recording it. It's not easy to record like that.
Artie goofed on him a little bit about that so Howard played his PSA recordings since they were kind of goofy too. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Howard took a call from a guy from a guy who said he wanted to talk about Beth and her not going to the bathroom. He said that she might need to take magnesium, 500 mg a day, and she'd be able to go. That's what his wife does. Artie asked what his wife takes to let her get along with him. The guy went off on Artie calling him a fat fuck. Howard let the guy go a short time later.
Robin read a story about this 8 glasses of water a day thing that has been suggested for a while. Now scientists are saying that drinking when you are thirsty is plenty, you don't have to drink 8 glasses a day if you won't want to.
Robin read a story about how there are some states that are thinking of lowering the drinking age. They spent a short time on that. They also talked about how President Bush was saying that the only reason we lost in Vietnam was because we got out early. A reporter asked Bush why he and Dick Cheney didn't go over to serve if that's what they thought.
Robin read a story about Jerry Seinfeld flipping a car over recently. Howard said that he's got like 70 cars and a bunch of them are newer Porsches. The one he was driving was a 1967 Fiat and the brakes went out. Robin said that Jerry swerved and flipped the car over and avoided traffic doing that. Jerry is fine after the accident.
Howard said that he owned an old Corvette for a while but he got rid of that one and bought a newer one. That was many years ago though. Artie said that he was catching a lot of shit about not being sincere about the gay thing so what he's willing to do when he's in California is have a threesome with George and Brad. He was joking of course.
Robin read a story about their old friend Mark Cronin who agreed to sell his TV production company to Endemol in a deal that could be worth up to $200 million. Howard said that he made out very well with that deal. Mark used to work on Howard's old WWOR (Channel 9) TV show.
Robin read a story about Ashley Dupré and how she was engaged to be married until all of this news came out. Now the guy who she was engaged to is speaking out about how she broke his heart. Robin read a story about Mariah Carey having more number 1 hits than even Elvis had.
Daniel from the Bleeding Deacons called in and asked about one of the new songs that they sent in. Fred replayed the song for him since he called in. Daniel said that the fans can download it from their web site BleedingDeacons.com. They're going to be down at the Jimmy Kimmel show when Artie is on that as well. Artie said he's going to be on Jimmy's show on Friday night.
Robin read through a few more various news stories. She had one about how the networks are going to start moving the TV seasons around and stick more products into shows for advertising.
Robin read about Steve-O going into rehab. He had an intervention from the other guys in the Jackass crew. He's apparently rethinking a lot of stuff and the damage he's caused using drugs. He still wants to be a Jackass but not a high Jackass.
Robin had a story about Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and some other political stuff. They spent a few minutes on those things. Artie was using his reference book to look up some information to help out with the conversation.
Robin had Howard playing some clips of Jimmy Kimmel talking about his show and how happy he is with the way things are going. Robin also had some news about last night's American Idol show. She had Howard playing some clips from that show as well.
Robin had a story about Ashton Kutcher's new TV show. She played some clips of him talking about what the show is about and why he wanted to do it. Artie and Howard didn't give a crap about what he had to say. She wrapped up her news a short time later. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking to George about the great week of shows he was part of. They all thanked him for coming in. Artie said that he'll be out there banging the two of them this weekend too. Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Jon said that Mike wants an apology from Mike but Gary said that he's never going to get it and that's not what Artie was talking about today. Jon said he told Mike that he should talk to Artie off the air about his stuff if he's that upset about it.
Gary said he thinks that Mike just wants air time. He said that he doesn't blame Mike for the LifeBeat thing but he's not without blame. He said he was really tired of talking about this stuff and wanted to move on.
Jon talked about the PSA that Artie recorded for George Takei. Gary said that it sounded very insincere to him. He said that George did get that PSA that he wanted though.
Jon said that they're going to miss George after today since today was his last day. They talked about how open he's become and how kinky he seems to be after hearing some of those stories that he's told. Gary said that George was telling Will how good he looked as a woman. He said that it makes you laugh your ass off when you hear some of those discussions.
Benjy said he remembers Howard talking about not making a big deal out of the whole gay thing with George before they had him on as an announcer. They wanted George just to be himself on the air.
Jon went to the phones and took a call from Hanzi who said that he liked that Gary went off on High Pitch Mike today. He said that he seemed to barge in for no good reason today. They talked about some of the stuff that Mike and Artie have said about each other on the air and how down and dirty they've gotten. The guys think that Mike is doing it just to try to make him snap and he's going to find that some day and he's going to get physical with him. Gary seems to think that's what Mike wants.
Benjy said that he doesn't think that Artie should use the word ''fag'' on the air but it's really not that specific to their argument. He said that what Mike brings up is just wrong. Jon went to another call from a guy who also thanked Gary for going in and stopping Mike today. The guy said that Mike has been pretty nasty to Robin in the past too.
Another caller said that today's show makes subscribing to SIRIUS worth every cent. He said that he show was just great today. Gary said that he felt like he had just gotten the OK from Simon Cowell after that call.
Jon played a clip from the show where Howard was talking to Gary the Retard about going to the moon today. After the clip they talked about some of the guests they had in for Gary today. They had the doctor that delivered Gary and people like that.
Jason came in with some updates about the High Pitch Mike thing and how he had made some comments about Robin in the past and never apologized for them. He had made some racial comments about her. He said that either way Mike is a scumbag.
Gary said that Gary the Retard is going to be out at Levy's Comedy Club in Levittown, PA this weekend. They had to go to break a short time later.
The caller asked why Eric the Midget doesn't call in more often. He said that his buddies love when that guy calls in. He said he's a big fan of his even though he's been kicked out of his JFSC room a few times.
As the guy was talking about that Gary the Retard walked in. He spoke to the guy on the phone for a few seconds and asked Gary (Dell'Abate) who had the stranger birthday, Gary the Retard or Richard Christy. Gary said that Richard did some very strange things and talked about some of that stuff. Gary said that he would never bring his family to a Pizza Hut or a Papa John's because they have such great pizza places around.
Gary the Retard (GTR) said that he didn't like going to the moon today. He said that he didn't want to touch that cheese that he found up there on the moon. He also talked about the flag that he planted up there and how he just left it there for them.
Gary asked GTR who he would say is his best friend. GTR said that he didn't really know and wasn't sure who he'd call to tell about his appearance today. Benjy asked him if he hangs out with anyone when he's home. GTR didn't really have an answer for him on that.
GTR is going to be on the Superfan Roundtable tonight and he's really looking forward to that. He said that he's going to see boobies after that at the strip club. Gary told him to tell the girls that he's been to the moon to impress the girls.
Jon took a call from a guy who told Gary the Retard that he's the man. GTR thanked him for that. The guy told him that he could call him anytime if he wanted to and he'd give him his phone number.
Gary asked GTR what he's going to be doing at Bob Levy's comedy club this weekend. He said he's going to tell some jokes. Richard Christy came in a short time later to talk about his birthday. Richard said that he and Gary celebrate in similar ways.
Richard said that his birthday was on a Tuesday so he celebrated it for about a week. He said he went out to Rick's Cabaret on Saturday and then on Tuesday he watched Halloween parts 1 and 3 while drinking some Mimosas. He said that he spent time with his girlfriend too. He said he took off a little early from work that day. He watched the movies and his girlfriend camera over and they went out to a theme restaurant called Jekyl and Hyde. He said there were a bunch of kids there having a birthday party too.
Richard said that he used to go to a haunted house for his birthday. Now he goes to theme restaurants. He said that they even come out and sing to him there.
Gary the Retard asked Richard if he had ever heard that song they sing to you at your birthday. He knew some of the words but he wouldn't sing it. Gary asked GTR how old Richard looks to him. He said he looked like he was in his 40s. Richard is actually only 34.
Gary said that some people on the internet bought him a big screen TV and he watches the weather channel on it. He said that some people donated the money for him and bought him the TV. Jim said that some guy did that for Gary and sent it to him for Christmas.
The guys talked about the other guests that visited Gary the Retard today. Jason was playing the part of the Jew and some of the guys thought that he didn't act very well in that part. They thought he was over acting a bit.
Gary wanted to talk to Gary the Retard's handler for a minute. He asked him how he got the gig and what he has to do for him. The guy said that he has to take him to the airport and make sure that he doesn't wander off. Gary said that they once lost Gary the Retard in an airport and that's why they had to get a handler for him.
The handler said that Craig Gass was the one who started him out handling Gary. He said that he has to drive 6 and a half hours to pick him up to take him to the airport. He said he takes some Xanax so he doesn't have to talk to Gary. He said that people throw cough drops at him on the plane because he coughs so much.
Gary said that he took GTR and Beetlejuice to a Yankee game one time. He said he had to take the two of them to the bathroom at the same time. He said that GTR vanished from him while he was in the bathroom and just wandered off in the crowd.
The handler said that he once had a really scary flight where he wanted to call his family and tell them how lucky he was to be alive. He went into the bathroom to call his family and when he walked out, Gary started yelling out ''You're not going to wash your hands!?'' at the top of his lungs. He said he just wanted to crawl in a hole and die when that was going on.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that they all love Gary the Retard and she hopes that he knows that everyone there loves him.
The guys talked about Richard's new prank call that they played today. Richard said that he was scared to call that guy back for consent because it was so good and he was afraid that the guy was going to turn him down. He said that it can be scary to call back and get consent but he lucked out with that one.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked Richard to play a Metallica song on Monday Morning when he does his speed drumming. Richard said that he's really excited to do that on Monday. He said that he's been practicing the drumming and lost about 10 pounds from sweating so much yesterday.
Jon asked Benjy about his tooth brushing out in the hall and what was going on with that. Benjy said that it had kind of turned into a bit out in the hall but he really does brush his teeth a lot. That led to the guys talking to Gary the Retard about his teeth and brushing them. Gary said that he has no way to go to the dentist so he can't go.
Benjy said that one of his favorite things about Gary the Retard is that if you pause at the right moment he'll start laughing. He said that he's figured that out and he could make him laugh about just about anything.
The guys asked Gary the Retard some more math questions since he knew 9x9 earlier. Gary said that he didn't know any other answers and told them ''I'm retarded... bitch!'' They had to end the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show talking about Farrah Fawcett in Playboy. He said she's really cute and they have one of her squatting down in high heels that he really liked. Fred said that was a nice one. They talked about the ''total access'' that they'd have with her in that position. They spent a few minutes talking about how cute she was. They were also trying to figure out if she had implants or not. Her boobs were sticking straight up while she was on her back so they figured she must have something in there. Howard said that's how all women should age.
Howard said he went to the Rega Hotel to do this interview. He said they weren't set up when he got there and he doesn't understand why they weren't ready yet. He said they should have been ready by 10, he got there at 11:30. He said he has a life to get to and he can't be waiting around for them to set up.
Howard said he has to speak to his publicist's office to get them to do something about that. He said he doesn't want to be the dick to yell at those people, that's what you pay the publicist for. Gary said that he spoke to someone over there and they said that they were just going to call so he suggested that they actually show up.
Howard said that he can't be doing things like that all the time while he's doing press for this book. Ralph came in so Howard asked him if he okayed that with Gary. Ralph said he did. He told a story about going to the interview and how strange things were over there. He said the publicist people should have been there the whole time to make sure things run smoothly.
Howard said he should be like Robin and show up late to stuff like that. He went on to talk about how John Stossel seems to be really uptight and ''old'' when you talk to him. He said that he makes accusations about him and uses all of this judgmental crap in the interview. He said that's the kind of interviews he's been doing forever and he's sick of it.
Howard is wondering when someone is going to talk about what he's done for the radio industry instead of telling him that they've been told not to do the interview. He said that Stossel said that he was told not to do the interview because it could end his career. Howard said he asked him who said that to him but he didn't give him an answer.
Howard said he's been through this drill for 15 years and he knows what to expect in these interviews. He said that he was telling John that he entertains people every morning and they wouldn't say he was racist if they asked the people on the street. That led to them taking him out to the street to do some interviews and everyone in the lobby was yelling out his name. They didn't have the cameras on at that time.
Howard said that they walked down the street and no one was saying anything to them. Then a couple of guys started yelling out the number 44. He said it finally hit him that they're on E! on cable on channel 44. He said he had never heard that before but he eventually figured it out. Stossel asked the guys if they actually liked Howard and they said they did.
Howard said that it took him a while to figure out that 44 thing. He said they continued to walk down 6th Avenue and more people were coming up to them and saying they like him. He said that this big group stopped and formed around them and started asking questions, making comments and asking for autographs. He said that most of the people around like him. He said that Stossel seemed surprised by that.
Howard said he was going to get the same lousy rap that he gets in every other interview. He said that Stossel was complaining about him calling Linda Ronstadt fat so he told Stossel about her playing Sun City and how wrong that was.
Howard talked about bringing his laptop with him to the interview. He said that they asked him to have online cyber sex while they watched so she said he'd do it since he talked about it in the book. He said that he figured he'd just goof around with it and have some fun. He said that he was talking to Stossel about how he thinks of him as his dad when he's talking to him because he seems so old. He said that he did manage to get him to admit that he masturbates though.
Howard said that he signed on to Prodigy and John sat there and watched him do his thing. He said that a couple of the people in the chat were people he knew from previous chats. He said that he went into a private room with one of the girls and he started to think about what John was going to report about that. He said that John asked him how he could admit to something like that. Howard asked him how he couldn't.
Howard said that he knows he did a good thing with this second book and John read through it and thinks that it was all lies. He didn't believe some of the stuff he read. He said he'd like to know what Robin thinks about it too. Howard said that he swore that none of it was made up and that's what makes it a great book.
Howard took a guess at what the conversation between Barbara Walters and the others on 20/20 might go like. He made up the conversation and did impressions of the people on that show.
Howard said the interview was weird and he's tired of being judged. He said that he doesn't need that anymore. He said he did have to promote his book so that's why he was doing the interview.
Howard said that the E! guys decorated the studio for Halloween but he didn't really plan on doing anything. Gary said that a bunch of people responded to his request for people to come in to get their breasts painted. He said that they have one already and a bunch called. Howard said that he's ready to do that as long as they're not men.
Stuttering John came in with some orange paint that he had to mix. He said they weren't able to find orange said they had to make it up themselves. Howard said that he wanted a smock and surgical gloves so he could do the painting without making too much of a mess.
Howard talked about how he was supposed to do an interview with Katie Couric today but he was told yesterday that Katie wasn't going to be able to make it today. They said they'd reschedule. He said that was okay with him but he called his agent to find out what was going on with that. His agent told him that they offered Matt Lauer to do the interview instead. He said that Katie got scared and backed out of doing the interview because of something he said on the air.
Robin said that she got to talk to Katie one time. She said that Bryant Gumble backed out of her interview so she got Katie instead. Howard said he was kind of freaked out by her backing out and wasn't sure what it was that he said.
Howard said that those people will talk to murderers and have no problem doing that. They're afraid of a radio DJ though. He said he got kind of disappointed when that happened. He said he'd love to know what he did to scare her.
Robin figured that it was something about getting Katie's clothes off or something. Howard said that could be it but he can't imagine that would scare her away from the interview. They had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that they had the tape of Howard talking about Katie Couric that may have scared her. Howard quickly played that clip and wondered what it was that scared her off. He didn't think the clip was that bad. They spent a short time talking about that. Howard said he backed out of doing the interview to the Today Show when they gave him Matt Lauer. He's already done an interview with that guy and that's enough.
Howard moved on to the painting of the breasts and got a smock so he could keep his clothes clean. He had the guys bring in one of the girls so he could paint her. Gary said that she was kind of stinky from Petruli oil. Howard said that's the worst smelling crap in the world.
The girl was calling herself Raggedy Ann the Cyber Slut. Howard said that she was a little flabby and a little too talkative. He said she was cute when she walked in but then she wouldn't stop talking. He had her sit down to show her flab. Howard said that she was hot for a regular chick though. He said he would have banged her before he was famous.
Howard asked Ann about how she makes money and figured that her father sends her money to live in the city and do her art. She said that her father does send her a little bit of money. She said that she designs textiles and stuff. Howard said that he just learned that textiles are clothing recently. He had no idea before that.
Howard told Ann that he was glad that she came down today. He said that she shouldn't be uptight about taking her clothes off. He said he was going to have a lot of fun painting her today. He asked her if she has a boyfriend or anything. She said that she doesn't have anyone in particular.
Howard said he wanted to get right to the painting. He asked her if she's ever taken her top off in front of a group of guys before. She said she had done that at a club up in Montreal. Howard asked her if she was like 38 years old. She sounded insulted and said she's only 25.
Ann took her top off and Howard said her boobs were nice. She said that they were B-cups. Howard told her that she's not bad looking at all and he would have died for her before he was famous.
Howard decided to put a big jack-o-lantern on her boobs and started to paint it. He was going to make it look like Gary with big teeth. He said that she was very firm and young and he was enjoying the painting. She was still thinking about the 38 year old comment and wasn't too happy about that.
Howard drew the pumpkin and gave it some big Gary teeth. Jackie got a laugh out of that. Howard said he liked just the one pumpkin instead of having two. He gave her an orange dot on her other breast. He said that was the most sex he's had in a long time. He told her to never have a baby because those boobs would look like little pancakes.
Howard thought the pumpkin looked good. He said she looked really cute like that. He said she looks much better topless and maybe she should walk around without any pants on too. He thanked her for coming in after that. Howard asked if she wanted him to paint a haunted house on her ass. She didn't want that. Howard thanked Ann for coming in and let her go a short time later.
Howard played the clip that Gary found for him and it was something about getting Katie's dress off but it was just a quick comment. Howard said it's not like he's actually going to do something like that. He said he can't imagine that scared her off.
Howard said that people get freaked out by him and they get weird. He said he's not sure why that is, he's just a guy on the radio who makes people laugh.
Howard read a fax about Jackie's web page and how they didn't know how old Jackie was until he saw his picture. Howard read through that and talked about how old Jackie looks. Jackie said that those pictures are from like 10 years ago too. He said that he didn't know how old he looked.
Howard read another fax about how dirty his show is. The guy was telling him how his priest was talking about Howard Stern in his sermon and saying that he was ruining the world. Howard spent a minute on that talking about what hypocrites those guys are. They talked about the things they've seen these guys do before and how messed up they are.
Howard said that it's really weird when you get marriage advice from a guy who can't even have a normal relationship with a person.
Uzo came in and Howard said that she's very beautiful and already freaking out. She was crying when she came in. Robin wondered why she came in if she was just going to cry. Uzo said that they're tears of joy for her. She said that it's like meeting Jesus Christ. Her voice was quivering as she was talking. Howard told her to look at him and she could barely look over.
Howard asked Uzo to look at her but she was having a problem doing that. He said that her shirt could barely contain her today.
Uzo said she started listening to the show about 6 years ago when she came across the show accidentally. She said that she was waiting for music to come on but he just kept talking and talking. He said that she knew that day that he was like a God to her. Robin said he should have had her talk to John Stossel. Howard said they should send over some tape of this.
Howard said that he sees Uzo on Prodigy all the time and she never believes that it's really him. He said that he's never able to convince her it's him and she just calls him names.
Howard asked Uzo if she wanted to get her breasts painted today. She wasn't there for that so she wasn't going to do it. Howard talked to her about this guy she's been talking to on Prodigy and how she's going to dump her fiancé for him. She said that she gave her fiancé a hint about dumping him. She said that he's not into Howard and she warned him that if he doesn't start listening to Howard, she's going to dump him.
Uzo said that she didn't want to cry today so she didn't want to look at Howard. Howard demanded that she look into his eyes. She looked at him but then covered up her eyes. Howard said he kind of digs this worship stuff.
Gary said that John was telling him that Uzo claims to be the daughter of some diplomats. He said that there's a guy in the green room who claims to be her boyfriend too. She said that's her housekeeper, not her boyfriend.
Howard had Gary bring in the guy that was there. The guy came in and said that he loves Uzo. Uzo claimed that he was her Gunga Din but Howard wasn't sure what was going on there. Gary said he claimed that he had made love to her. The guy said that he was going to go along with whatever Uzo wanted to say. He didn't want to upset her today.
Howard asked the guy if he helps out with the bills or anything. He said that she actually helps him out with his bills. He said he was kind of getting choked up like she does when she sees Howard. Howard let the guy go because he wasn't getting any information out of him.
Uzo told Howard that the guy does a lot of stuff for her and helps her out. She said that she can't fire him because he helps out so much.
Howard said that Uzo is constantly on Prodigy and she always tells him to f-off when he wants to have cyber sex with her. Uzo said she spends about $2,000 a month on that stuff. Howard said that she tells him that she's not a big fan of the other people on the show, like Robin. Uzo said she doesn't like the way she treats some people on the show but she's had a change of heart about her. She said that when she's not on the show the show is much different and she now knows how extremely important she is.
Robin said that Uzo ran into her at The Wiz and started crying. Uzo said she likes Fred too and thinks that he's good looking in person. She said he doesn't look that good on TV.
Howard talked to Uzo about how long she's been listening to the show and then talked to her about her clothes and her great body. He said that it was perfect. She said that she does do some modeling at car shows and stuff like that.
Howard wrapped up with Uzo and said he'd give her a hug before she left. He said that those were some implants she had there. He wanted to paint them but she didn't want him to do that because he's her god and that would be disrespectful.
Uzo went over to Howard and started bowing in front of him. Howard thanked her for that as she was leaving the studio. Howard said that she was on her knees and pushed her head against his crotch. He said he didn't think that she actually meant to do that though. They went to break after that.
John said that Uzo acts a lot different in front of him than he does in front of Howard. He said that she has a lot to say when she's not in front of Howard.
Uzo came back in and said that she did promise John sex that time. John said she came over all dressed up and looking really sexy. Howard said that Fred told him he's seen her out on the street all sexy looking and walking around.
Uzo said that all people want her when she walks around. She said that she's one of the few good looking black people out there and that's why they like her so much. She said that she's got a nice ass and doesn't have big lips like so many other black women do. Howard said that she does have a beautiful face and a great bust and a round buttocks.
Howard had Uzo dance around a little bit for them. She did that to some music that Fred was playing. Howard said that must be how she stays in shape the way she does. Uzo said that she doesn't really eat very much either.
John said that when Uzo came over she told him to come back to her place to have sex. He said that he'd go anywhere to do that. He said that he went back there and she's got a small apartment. She has that houseboy there though.
Uzo said she asked John to show her his penis and he did that. John said that this was the first time he went over there. John said that he went over one other time. He said that they went out to eat but she wasn't eating anything. She said that she likes peanuts and pineapple juice. She said that's how she stays thin and keeps that 18 inch waist of hers. Howard said that a woman's stomach should look like Uzo's.
Uzo talked about the food that they have here and how it's different around the world. She said that the food here is based on fat and it all makes you fat. that's why she eats very little. Robin asked her if she's going to have kids some day. She said that she plans to get married some day. She said that she was going to marry this fiancé of her's but he wasn't into Howard so she may not go through with that.
Uzo talked about seeing John's penis and how she made out with him. She said that he's a very good kisser. She said that he was medium sized down there but that didn't mean that she was going to have sex with him.
John said that he didn't get to see her vagina the first time but the second time he asked her to show him and he did get to see it. He didn't touch her though. Uzo said that she was the one doing the touching.
The guys heard that Doug had been to Uzo's apartment too. She said that he's a very nice Jewish guy but they didn't do anything either. She said that he was kind of dull to her. Robin said that he wouldn't have been able to talk himself into anything.
Uzo said that Doug was freaked out by her and he never made his move on her. Doug said that she was a little intimidating to him. John said that Doug also thought that she was a prostitute. Doug said he didn't but Uzo went on to say that any woman who sleeps with a man is a ''hookah'' because they're doing it for money. Howard thanked Uzo for coming in once again and wrapped up with her a short time later.
Jennifer came in and said that she was 20 years old. Howard said that she was very cute and said that she had a good body. She said that she works in sales for a paging company. Howard said that she could be a stripper or something. She said that Howard was beautiful and she can't live without him since she started listening to the show.
The girl said that she weighs about 120 pounds and she's 5'5'' tall. Howard said that he would have freaked for a girl this hot. He asked if she had ever had her breasts painted like this before. She said she hadn't. Robin asked if she was nervous to do it. She said she was but this was a dream come true for her. She said she faxed Howard a couple of times and sent in some pictures of her breasts.
Howard said that this girl had a very dry mouth but her looks made up for that. She said that she's a B-cup but Howard thought they were bigger. He said that at 20 they're probably perfect and not ruined. He said that he remembers going to camp with a 20 year old and how great her breasts were back then. He said that they stuck straight out at that age.
The girl said that she'd love to get implants. Howard said that he might be able to help her out with that. He asked her if she had ever taken her shirt off in front of men like this. She said that she hadn't so Howard told her that she'd probably be dreaming about it after doing it because it's so erotic.
Howard said that this girl used to be a Jehovah's Witness and would walk around knocking on everyone's doors. She said that she was raised like that and after her parents got divorced she lived with her father. She ended up getting thrown out of the group after she met her boyfriend.
Jennifer said she met him and she ended up house sitting for someone and her father ended up catching her having sex with her boyfriend. Then he turned her into the group and that got her kicked out. Howard asked if he even caught them in the act of sex. She said that he didn't but he caught her when she was in a towel. She said that he told her that he was going to have to tell on her because of what she did.
She said that she packed her bags and left around that time. She said that she was 19 at the time and she was supposed to wait until she was married to have sex. She said she had to go stand in front of a bunch of older men and they asked a bunch of intimate questions about what exactly she did. She said that they asked about what she was wearing, how he was touching her and things like that.
Howard said that sounds like a strange scene with a bunch of old guys asking her about her sex life. Gary said he heard that she had to tell them how many and how long her orgasms were.
Howard had Jennifer pretend that she was in the meeting and he asked her some questions as if he was one of these elders that were questioning her. He asked her when she started having sex and she said it was at 14. She said that she was asked what she was wearing and things like that as well. She had no idea why that was relevant. Howard said he had an idea why they were asking that stuff.
Howard said that those guys must have been getting aroused while they were asking the questions. She said that she was crying when it was going on. She was asked about oral sex, anal sex and a lot of other intimate details. She said she didn't want to tell them every single thing. She said that she didn't talk about the anal sex. She said she just told them what she thought she needed to tell them. She said she ended up getting kicked out of the Jehovah's Witness thing after that. She said she could probably get back in if she went back to the elders.
Howard said he would have gone crazy for this chick if he was one of the elders. He wanted her to come over and get her breasts painted after hearing the story. He said he was all worked up after all of that.
Jennifer came over so Howard had her take off her jacket. He thought she was a stripper but she said she wasn't. Howard had her take off her bra and said that her breasts were perfect. He said they're young and that's what they're supposed to look like. He told her that in about 10 years she may need implants because they'll get floppy and flat. He said he's got to find a time machine.
Howard said he had some black paint this time so he was going to use both orange and black. He went right to it and started to paint her up. He was describing what he was doing as if he were that guy on PBS who paints. He was talking about the specks of black he was throwing on there to show off the ridges on the pumpkin.
Howard said he had to talk like that so his wife wouldn't get mad. He told her that her breasts were perfect. He kept going with the painting for a couple of minutes. He was going very slowly and dragging it out as long as he could.
Howard said that they should go show the elders his handy work. He thought that was the best job he had ever done with the painting. Howard asked her what her name was and found out it was Jennifer. She came up to him and gave him a hug before she left. Howard said that she really had a great body and he had to get out of there. He said she didn't have any zits on her back or her butt. That led to her showing him her ass for a second.
Howard told Jennifer that she could be making like $1000 a night if she was a stripper. He let her go a short time later and said he really has to get out of there. He said he really liked the story she was telling about the elder meeting. He said that the elders don't need to know that stuff at all. He said that he knew there was something fishy going on with that Jehovah's witness thing. He had to go to break after that.
Howard went into his Cousin Brucie impression for a short time. He talked about how that guy made a whole career out of that Cousin Brucie thing. He ended up goofing on that guy for a couple of minutes too.
Howard had the next girl come in to get her breasts painted. He said that she wasn't so young. He pegged her at about 31. She said that she was 32. He guessed she lived in Queens but she lived in Staten Island. He said that she had big nails and they were gold. She was French Italian and divorced. Howard said he couldn't believe it. She was talking about how she couldn't believe she was there. Howard said he couldn't believe it either.
Billy West went into his impression that sounded very similar to this woman's. He goofed on her gum chewing and things like that.
Howard guessed that the woman was a C-cup and got that right. He said they looked natural from what he could tell. She said he was right about that. He said that he was afraid they were going to flop down to the floor when she took them out. She said that she did have two kids so he might be right.
Howard said that he couldn't wait to paint her little eggs. He told her to take her top off. She said hi to her friends over the radio before she went over to take her top off. Howard told her she was very cute after she complained that he was making fun of her. Howard said she was kind of a weirdo.
Howard got a hug from the woman and asked what went wrong with her and her husband. She said that he was an idiot and she left him. She said that he was abusive to her so she had to get out. Howard said that maybe she didn't listen because she is a bit of a loud mouth.
Howard had her whip out one of her breasts. He said it was very nice when he saw it. He went in and started his work painting the pumpkin on her. She said she liked the way it felt. Howard asked if she had ever been with a woman before. She kind of let out a laugh that Howard took as a yes.
Howard said that he was abusing something on her right then. He said that she appeared to be very turned on. She said that someone needed to pinch her because she couldn't believe that this was going on. Howard said he was going to pinch her alright.
Howard wrapped up with his pumpkin and got a kiss from the woman. He didn't even know her real name. He said that he was going to call her Debbie. He said goodbye to her and called her a Yenta as she walked out. Then he said there was nothing round on her at all. He said that was a torpedo on her chest. He said that she was very cute but out there is one very lucky divorced man.
The guys spent a minute talking about her and how fun she was. Howard got out of his outfit after that so he didn't have the smock on anymore. He said that if he was at home with that chick he'd have her naked on top of a pool table.
Howard read one memo where they ran down all of the things that people aren't allowed to do at their desks. They can't have fish or full course meals at their desks. He thought that some of that stuff was kind of odd.
Howard read a story about John Wayne Bobbit wanting to go out and get his penis enlarged. He said that the guy can't stay out of the news with his penis. He said that he's now got an open wound on his penis that won't heal properly. Howard wanted to get him on the phone to talk to him about that.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Bobbit and tried to figure out why he needs to be in the public eye all the time. Howard had Robin get her news after that.
Howard read a story about someone who wrote a letter about OJ and how he was going to spend the rest of his life trying to find the person who slaughtered Nicole and Ron. Robin got back to her story about the autograph signing a short time later.
Robin read about some other celebrity autographs and what they go for at these events like the one that OJ is going to be at. Howard and the guys were doing their 'Gina Man impressions during that story.
Robin read some other news stories about things like the Quebec and how they were going to secede from Canada. Howard said he thinks that this will happen there in the United States as well in about 50 years. He said that it'll be the Spanish speaking people who do that. The guys spent a few minutes talking about how it's not that big of a deal to demand that people speak one language in the country.
Robin talked about the bands that were going to be inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of fame. She mentioned Jefferson Airplane and Gladys Night and the Pips. David Bowie isn't going to be inducted because he's not a fan of the hall of fame. They had to go to break around that time.
After the break Robin read a story about a guy who took a dump on a food cart on an airplane last week. Howard knew the story and gave the details he knew about it. He said that he jumped up on a serving tray in 1st class and took a crap and wiped himself with a linen napkin and then tracked doody all over the airplane. The guys had some fun talking about that stuff for a few minutes. Robin said that guy is no longer allowed to fly unless he has permission from the FAA.
Billy West was doing his impressions during the doody story. He was throwing in a bunch of Jackie impressions and stuff like that.
Robin read a story about a woman who had a breast removed after a misdiagnosis for cancer. She had another story about a guy who was killed. That led to Fred playing some Jackie laughs and Billy doing his Jackie impression and Grandpa Al Lewis impression. Howard said that Billy actually had a Grandpa mask on today for Halloween. Robin said she was wondering what that mask was on his face.
Robin read some other stories about Detroit and the lack of violence on hell night out there. Billy was still doing his impression of Grandpa so Howard told him to take that ridiculous mask off.
Robin had a few more stories that she read through and then wrapped up. Howard said that the funny thing was that Billy was wearing the Grandpa mask but doing his Jackie impression. He was about to end the show but Robin mentioned one more story about the Munsters being brought back in a remake on TV. Howard said that none of these remakes are going to come close to being as good as the original. Howard ended the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).