Howard started off the show complaining about being exhausted after having a party for his daughter this weekend. He said she had a few friends over and he was constantly up and down the stairs with them. He complained about the weather over the weekend which had everyone staying inside. He said he heard the weather is supposed to be nice all week now after the weekend was ruined. Howard said he got some great games from this guy whose name he'd forgotten. He said he got a ''The Simpsons'' pinball machine that's great. He said he wanted to give this guy a plug but he couldn't remember the guy's company. He went on to talk about getting an outdoor ping pong table that he wasn't able to use because of the weather. The weekend went very fast according to Howard. He said he was looking forward to going to work after being with the kids. He said he doesn't know how Gary does what he does with his kids. He said that by 10 years old they should be able to lock themselves in a room and keep themselves busy.
Howard got the name of the company who gave him the pinball machine. The company's web site is PinballSales.com. Artie said his buddy Sam Simon has one of those machines at his place. Howard and Robin ended up asking Artie about his trip to Boston with Stuttering John this weekend. Last Friday at the very end of the show Artie and John were talking about what a mess John's truck is and how disgusting it is. Artie refused to ride with him up to Boston so they were going to take two cars. Howard was on his way out on Friday so Artie had him stick his head in the truck just to take a smell. He said it stunk and John blamed his wife for the smell. Artie said the valet parkers up in Boston refused to get in the truck because of the smell. John admitted it was disgusting and found old milk in the truck and that's what stunk. John said he cleaned it himself over the weekend but it still stinks. Howard told him to take it to a detailer to get it clean. Poor Nick DiPaolo had to drive home with John and was sticking his head out the window to get some fresh air. John said his wife kept spraying stuff in the car to get rid of the stink but it wasn't working. John said he was embarrassed by the whole thing but Howard said he doesn't think he will. Howard said if Artie would have gotten in the car with him and not complained, he wouldn't be embarrassed by this whole thing and wouldn't have cleaned the vehicle. Howard said John blamed his wife for the stink when Howard was smelling the vehicle. He said John really is a scummy guy.
Howard changed subjects and said he has 20 Dr. Phil Mugs to give away on the show. They talked about that last week and how disgusting that guy is. He said he wouldn't put his lip on that mug because Dr. Phil's big bald head is on it. They're going to give away those mugs during the show. A listener called in within minutes and asked for one of the mugs. Howard said it wasn't time yet so he didn't get one. Howard said he didn't want people calling in and begging for the mugs.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to do today. He had tape of Dikembe Mutombo mumbling incoherently during an interview at a game. He played a few clips of that and there's no way the interviewer could have understood a word he said but pretended that he did. After playing those Howard had to take his first break of the morning.
Howard said tomorrow Melissa Gilbert will be on the show to debate some guy about the Screen Actors Guild thing for some reason. Howard said later this week they'll also have Carnie Wilson on the show. She's appearing in the latest Playboy magazine which Howard has yet to see.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who saw ''The Hulk'' movie over the weekend when he downloaded it over his computer. After hearing that Howard said he hates to hear that because those people work so hard on them. Howard wondered how that guy is able to watch movies like that on the web because he never sees that stuff. He talked about how he goes on an English Bulldog web site and on the Welmet Camp web site where he attempts to chat with friends he used to have there. He also talked about using iWon.com and searching for the hot chicks he has had on the show. The guy on the phone told Howard how he's able to find these movies and how it takes about 6 hours to download them. He said the quality isn't that great over the web but it's not that bad. Howard figured you have to be a real geek to do that stuff but the guy said you really don't. He said it's fairly simple to get the plug-in to be able to download the movies. Howard said he's supposed to get a screening of ''The Hulk'' later this week. He went on to talk about how the ''Daredevil'' people blew that movie. He said Ben Affleck was just not good in the movie. Robin said he was very ''wooden'' in that one. Howard talked about how good looking Jennifer Garner was in the movie but then said she might be working out a little too much. He said that she might want to calm down with that stuff because there is a line between being feminine and not feminine.
Robin said she went to see this play with Marissa Tomei over the weekend and saw her get pretty naked. Robin said Ralph had a new appreciation for Marissa after seeing the play with her. Robin said Marissa's boobs were a little small but they were nice. Howard said he'd like to see that but the play just closed.
Howard said he's heard about ''The Hulk'' movie and it's supposed to be good. The guy on the phone said that the special effects were pretty good but the movie didn't make a lot of sense. Howard said maybe that's because he downloaded it. The guy said there were just a few sound effects missing so it was pretty much all there. He told Howard that he also saw ''2 Fast 2 Furious'' and that was horrible. Howard read that ''2 Fast 2 Furious'' was number 1 over the weekend. He wondered how it did so well after the first one sucked so bad. He said he was happy that it did as well as it did without Vin Diesel though.
Howard took a call from a guy who was mad at the caller who was downloading movies over the web because he didn't want him ruining the whole thing. Howard told him that the guy wasn't going to ruin everything just by talking about it on the air. The other guy said that there have been TV reports about this type of downloading so he's not telling anyone anything new.
Howard and Robin were arguing about whether or not Hilary Clinton did a book signing last night at midnight. Robin said there were people lining up to get the book but she didn't sign any books. Howard said Gary heard that she had done a signing so he was checking into it.
Howard let the movie downloading caller off the phone but continued to talk about how those movies get on the web. Howard said the movie probably gets sent out somewhere to have stuff done to it and some young kid working there probably puts it on the web for free.
Double A called in and said he checked out Jewel on the half time show of some basketball game. He said she was hot but they had to cover up her boobs. Howard said those boobs of hers are like basketballs themselves. Double A wondered when she'll be doing Playboy. Howard said it'll probably be pretty soon the way she's going. Howard talked about this image change Jewel has gone through for her latest album ''0304.'' Howard was saying that she hasn't been booked to do the show yet but it's just a matter of time before she does come on. He and Artie were talking about what she should wear eventually. Howard said she'd have a pair of shorts that just had two holes in it so they could see her bush and her anus. Howard played some of Jewel's old music and goofed around with that.
A listener called in and said that he had an issue with Howard saying ''cans'' to refer to breasts. He said that ''cans'' are ass cheeks, not breasts. Howard told him that maybe gay guys refer to the ass as being cans but not regular dudes. The guy also had an issue with these people who call in and ask Howard ''How are you doing?'' Howard said he used to not answer people when they did that but one guy told him he sounded arrogant when he did that so he stopped. Howard got all over the guy's case about the ''cans'' issue and told him not to call in again. Howard said a ''can'' can be an ass but ''cans'' refers to breasts. He got right back to Jewel after spending a couple of minutes on that. He played a clip from her new ''CD'' and talked about how she gets sprayed down with a fire hose in her new video. Gary came in and said that it really is a major sell out for Jewel. She used to be a folk singer and now she's a pop singer. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that though. Howard and Robin were interpreting the lyrics from the song trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. Howard said he thought if you look closely in the video, you'll be able to see her nips. Chaunce Hayden called in and said that her whole video is making fun of selling out. Howard said that she's sold out so how is she making fun of selling out. Chaunce and Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
A listener called in and talked about getting a sneak preview of ''The Hulk'' out in California recently and it was incredible. The guy said that the movie was a little slow in the beginning but once the Hulk came out, it was great. He said Howard will be impressed when he sees it.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about how they get these movies on to the web. He told Howard that someone will go to a new movie with a small Digital Video camera and record it using a direct input audio source that he gets when he pretends to be hard of hearing. Howard asked the guy why people do this because there's no money to be made. The caller said that everything is available on the web, even Howard's show. He said he has every Stern show going back to 1996. Howard was talking about what a geek the guy must be. That led to him talking about how they went to this Air Guitar contest last week where there were even more geeky guys. He said they have the winner, Chink Daddy, coming in later to demonstrate for them. Howard continued to talk about these movies on the web and how they do all of this stuff. Howard said these guys are smart enough to do all of this stuff but they're not smart enough to get laid. The guy admitted that was true. Howard and Artie were goofing on the guy for a little while. Howard wanted to know what the best thing you can get from these sites out there. The guy said the best stuff is commercial free Howard Stern Show audio clips.
Howard got that guy off the phone and moved on to talk about the Tony Awards that were on last night. He talked about what he got to see when he tuned in a little late. He said he was amazed at how great Sarah Jessica Parker looked because sometimes she looks horrible. He said there's no way Matthew Broderick can be satisfying her with that doughy body of his. He said he'd give $10 million to see him give her the high hard one. Howard said Hugh Jackman was the host of the show and he was singing Broadway tunes. Howard said he felt gay just watching the show. He talked about a couple of guys on the show making out on stage. They also had the cast of ''Hair Spray'' singing on stage and Harvey Firestein was singing horribly. Robin said she had some clips from that so Howard played them. Howard wondered how anyone can think that stuff is good. Howard played a second clip and the song sounded just like the first one but it was a completely different song. Howard also played some clips of Harvey Firestein attempting to speak on stage to accept an award. Howard said it was like the ''gayest night of the year.'' He said the show tunes are just horrible and doesn't understand why people pay so much to go see these shows. He played the clip of Firestein singing and wondered if someone was choking him or something. He just couldn't understand how anyone could think it's good. He said he has to get a gay guy on the air to explain it to him. Howard said he'd rather listen to nails being dragged on a chalk board than Harvey Firestein attempting to sing. Artie was doing an impression of the guy that was pretty funny while Howard was playing the clips. Howard also did an impression and sang his own song as Firestein. Howard said the lyrics can be just about anything even if it doesn't make sense. Howard played a clip of the guys who kissed on stage and talked about that. The one guy was talking about how his mother used to bring him to Radio City Music Call every Saturday when he was a kid. Artie said that would never happen to his kid. He said his wife isn't going to be bringing his son to Radio City any Saturday. A short time later Howard was bragging that he could make up songs as he went along to the awful Broadway show tune music they had. He demonstrated and Robin said it really was just like Broadway. Howard said he had a million things to get too but he had to take another break. He spent another minute or so on the Tonys and how Christopher Reeve rolled out during the show and he feels really bad for the guy. Howard said he's lost all of his hair now. Howard seems to think he would have been better off dying. He took a break right after that.
Captain Janks called in and said that the show was running a little late that night and he had to head home because he had to get some sleep because he had to work the next day.
Howard had C. Diddy do a little demonstration for Robin since she hadn't seen it yet. They played some ''Play with Me'' and C. Diddy did his thing for them. Howard said he likes how he ''holds the (air) guitar in a straight line'' as he plays. Howard said it looks as if he's scratching his nuts or something. Howard asked Artie if he wanted to demonstrate his own air guitar to some Led Zeppelin. Artie got up and played along to some Zeppelin stuff. Howard said Artie didn't quite have it and he was out of breath after 30 seconds. Howard said he heard that when he went up to Boston with John, he was actually smoking a cigarette while he was pumping gas. They spent a few seconds on that before Howard told Chink Daddy that he'd won $500 just for coming in. Howard wrapped up that interview and sent C. Diddy on his way. You can find out more about the US Air Guitar championships at USAirGuitar.com
Howard had a new ''The Onion Radio News'' bit that he played. This was a phony news report about a underage driver who was bitching about America being a fascist police state. Howard quickly moved on to talk about a plane that crashed into an apartment building over the weekend. He also brought up Hilary Clinton and the interview she did with Barbara Walters. Howard said he missed it because he was stuck in traffic. Robin told him he didn't miss anything because Hilary didn't really answer the questions that Barbara Walters was asking. Howard said he couldn't figure out why Hilary would write the book except that they offered her like $8 million to write it. Howard wondered if she really needed the money that bad because he didn't think the President was that bad off. She sold out her husband to make $8 million. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes discussing what Hilary was thinking. Howard said he thinks it's all money, money, money and isn't a political thing.
Howard brought up Roger Clemens for a minute but then asked Artie how he could smoke a cigarette while pumping gas. Artie said he wasn't even thinking at the time and ended up putting out the cigarette after John told him how dangerous it was. Howard said there's actually a web site (ArtieLangeDeathWatch.com) that's tracking the death of Artie. Howard got on the site and read some of the stuff they wrote about how concerned they are about his health. On the site they talk about all of the stuff Artie has done in his life including last week's pizza eating contest where he ate a whole pizza in a half hour. They also point out some of the gambling, drinking and drug use that ARtie has talked about.
Robin brought up the Belmont Stakes that ran over the weekend and asked the guys if they had any money on the horses. KC and Artie talked about the races with Howard a little bit. Howard asked KC if he thinks Funny Cide was upset after losing the race. Howard said KC once told him he feels that horses actually know they lost and get upset. KC said he thinks that the horse probably was upset that he didn't win. He said he guarantees Howard that the horses know when they don't do well.
Howard played some audio clips of Hilary Clinton being interviewed by Barbara Walters. In the clips she talks about what she and President Clinton went through in their marriage during the tough times with the whole Monica Lewinsky thing. Howard and Robin talked about how good Clinton had it for a while until all of the lawyers started going after him. Crazy Cabbie called in at one point and went off on Hilary about some of the stuff she was saying in her interview. He thought she was comparing herself to Nelson Mandela but Howard and Robin told him she had just said that if Nelson Mandela can find it in his heart to forgive, so can she. She wasn't comparing herself to him as Cabbie thought. Howard reminded everyone that Cabbie was recently adopted by his birth mother and her husband. Howard also brought up the new Program Director they have at the station and asked Cabbie how he's getting along with him. Cabbie said that the guy is really good and the station sounds great. Howard said the guy used to be known as ''Chuck Roast'' but Cabbie said his real name is Rob Cross and he's really good. Cabbie was being so nice about everything he was saying that Howard figured something must have happened and he's got to be nice to him for some reason. He said he's going to find out what happened. Howard said as soon as ''Chuck Roast'' has to reprimand Cabbie for something, Cabbie won't be calling him Rob Cross anymore, he'll become ''Chuck Roast'' to him as well.
Howard read some e-mail they got recently. Someone wants Howard to post the picture of Artie that he brags about from when he was in high school. Artie said he just thought he looked better when he was in school because he was thinner. Howard also read some e-mail about KC's audition at some German guy's apartment that they talked about last week. There were also some e-mails about the picture Howard has posted on his web site that shows Artie's girlfriend Dana. One guy said that she's really hot and wondered if she'd be with Artie if he wasn't on the show. Another e-mailer gave Howard a suggestion about how to get rid of the Stripper perfume from Scores off of himself. He said he goes to the gas station and splashes gasoline on himself to get rid of the smell. Howard whipped through a bunch of other e-mail. One of them said that Howard should let his hair grow longer again because it covers up his huge Adam's apple. Howard said he knows about the large Adam's apple and even his daughter was pointing it out over the weekend. He said that she was also picking on him about his teeth and crap like that.
Howard brought up the fact that Tom Arnold guest hosted for David Letterman last Friday night. He said Letterman is getting to be like Johnny Carson and is letting people guest host for him now. Howard said he'd do it for him but he knows he's not going to get paid. Howard said he might do it for a million bucks or so. Howard seems to think that he'd be able to get great ratings for Letterman but they don't want to do that over there. Howard said he wouldn't do a monolog if he hosted. He said he'd get right to the guests and cut out the front of the desk so people could see his legs like Katie Couric did when she hosted The Tonight Show. Robin suggested that Howard have all of the female guests sit on his lap when they come out. Howard said he'd also shoot off his guns for no reason. Artie thought it would be funny if he shot Biff Henderson as Paul Shaffer just laughed. Howard said he'd like to have Ashley Judd come on and just try on different bikinis.
Howard played a clip of Tom Arnold hosting the show and doing his monolog. After playing it Howard said he wouldn't do that monolog crap. He siad he doesn't wnat to stand there and entertain a bunch of farmers from the mid-west. Howard said he'd give them a real New York experience and have some black guys mug the audience. Artie did his Paul Shaffer impression as Howard talked about the wacky stuff he'd do if he was hosting. He said he'd have some guys smoking crack and stuff like that.
Howard said Playboy sent over some photos of Carnie Wilson who is appearing in the magazine. Howard said she's still fat though. She looks better than she did when she was all fat but she's still big. Howard said he thought her face would be cuter when she lost some weight though. He also pointed out that the French manicure on her feet looked horrible as well. Howard said he wants to see that big belly of Carnie's. That led to them talking about how fat Christina Aguilera has gotten lately. Howard said he wants Carnie to get into a bikini when she comes in. Artie asked if he has to look when that happens. Howard said ARtie would end up looking. That led to Howard asking Artie if he's ever banged chicks as big as Carnie. Artie said he's done some chicks as big as Carnie. Not the old, fat Carnie, the Carnie that's in Playboy. He told Howard about how he picked up that chick and ended up banging her. Artie said the next day they went to an all-you-can-eat buffet for lunch. Robin sadi that was the woman for him then. Artie talked about this buffet and how great it was. He also thought that she was probably more embarassed to have been with him than he was to have been with her. Howard had Robin start her news shortly after that.
During the news Howard said he had a story he's pretty sure Robin didn't have. The tickling guy known as Yaqi has decided to retire. Howard read the press release that Yaqi put out recently and talked about why he's retiring because of this illness he has. They also played some clips of Yaqi talking about tickling. Yaqi is also upset with the tickling community on the web because of the way they have ruined the innocence of it by making it all sexual. Howard told the guys to get Yaqi on the phone so they could do one last interview about this stuff. One listener called in a short time later and told Howard about this illness that Yaqi is suffering from. He said the Sarcoidosis that Yaqi suffers from is really bad and he suffers from it himself. Howard gave him $500 courtesy of the ''Terminator 2 - T2 Extreme DVD.'' The guy also asked Robin about that drink that she's been using while on this special diet of hers. Robin told him that it's called ''The Master Cleanser'' so if he just does a search on the web for it, he should be able to find more info on it.
Howard started off the show talking about the upcoming guests like Melissa Gilbert. He said people probably don't even remember the show she was on, ''Little House on the Prairie,'' many years ago. Howard also said they have Carnie Wilson coming in later in the week. He said she's in Playboy and when he saw the pictures, ''it wasn't fun'' for him.
Howard had some voice mail messages that he was listening to before the show. There were some about how bad the show has been lately and stuff like that. Howard played some of the calls this racist guy who calls in all the time left about Robin. The guy went off on Renee Zellweger and Sarah Jessica Parker in one message. Then he went off on Sharon Osbourne in his second call. He ended up calling her an ''Old English Bitch'' over and over again at the end of that call. Then he got racist and went off on Debbie Allen calling her a ''Pot belly nig*er'' a bunch of times at the end of his call. The guy left another message about Hilary Clinton after that. He just called her a ''Do Nothing Senator'' at the end of that call. The guy pointed out how Clinton wears a long coat to cover up her fat ass so Howard and the guys spent some time talking about that. They were talking about some other women who wear similar outfits. Howard said that book publisher Judith Regan wears that stuff all the time. Howard said he's spoken to her about it and she claims that she's had a bunch of them tailor made for her. They spent a short time on that before Howard played another call from the racist guy. He left a message for Robin where he called her his ''World Series Nigga'' over and over again at the end. Artie said it sounds like the guy is being dragged away from the phone at the end of those calls.
Howard brought up his 80 year old father who has hearing said now. He said he's like a new man with those things. Howard said he told his father that you really can't see those things but you really can. He said now that his father can hear him he's got plenty to say. He said his father was complaining about the Tony Awards and how they want to get people to go see Broadway shows but everything is about being gay. That led to Howard talking about the awards show and how disturbed he is when he sees Christopher Reeve in his wheelchair. Robin was telling Howard that his thoughts that they should have let Reeve die are just wrong. Howard said Reeve was ready to go and probably ''saw the light'' and the doctors saved him like some kind of strange science experiment. Howard said Reeve has lost his hair and now looks like Lex Luthor. He said he feels bad for him but it's hard to watch him on TV. Artie said it's hard to watch Harvey Firestein as well.
Howard said that he read about Hilary Clinton making an appearance at a book store and they're saying it pales in comparison to Howard Stern's book signing. Howard had an estimated 10,000 people but Clinton didn't draw quite those numbers. Artie told Howard that he was actually in line for that book signing but he never made it in. Howard said whenever his fans gather like that, it turns into a big party. He said after that first signing they made sure everyone got their books signed. He and Robin talked about how Clinton dragged out her book signing for 3 hours. Howard said she did that to make the crowd look bigger and she should have moved it along faster. Howard said he was reading about the book signing and how she would make eye contact but had the sense not to touch a couple of Hasidic Jews. Howard and Robin were wondering what that meant. She also didn't touch a screaming baby and some other people in line. Benjy told Howard that women touching Hasidic Jews is wrong for some reason and explained that to Howard. It's got something to do with not being married to them or age or something like that.
Howard said some people are selling their copies of Clinton's book on Ebay already like they're going to be worth something. Howard had to take a break shortly after talking about that.
Howard said he's in the middle of watching ''The Recruit'' and he's liking what he's seen so far. It has Al Pacino and Colin Farrel starring in it. He explained a little bit about the movie and how good the first half has been. Robin said she enjoyed the movie as well. Howard was impressed with Colin Farrel's ability to lose his accent in the movie.
Howard said David Letterman hurt himself cutting his finger pretty bad the other day while making something in his kitchen. That led to Howard and the guys talking about what a mess Letterman has been lately. That led to them talking about all of the diseases that have been going around lately. We now have a bunch of cases of Monkeypox spreading around the Mid-West because someone imported an African Rat into the country. That led to some prairie dogs being infected with this monkeypox thing. The guys talked about how crazy some people are with the pets they have. Howard said a Prairie dog belongs on the prairie. He talked about how many dogs and cats there are out there who don't have homes and get euthanized every day. Meanwhile, people are getting prairie dogs and other rodents to keep as pets. KC came in and said he's been trying to get a prairie dog as a pet for years. Howard told him he's nuts and doesn't need a prairie dog as a pet. Howard told KC that guys who want prairie dogs as pets are guys who don't want women. He joked about how KC wants one so he can vaseline it up and put it in one of those tubes. Howard said that the people who have those things as pets should be treated like terrorists.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the E! show was great last night with the ''Shaved or Unshaved'' bit that they had. The guy also brought up how Howard talked about the first time he saw a vagina when he was like 5 years old and the girl was bald. The guy said he had a similar experience and he thinks the reason he likes a bald vaginal area is because of that experience. Howard said he doesn't think that's the reason, it's just nice to see a clean area down there. A hairy thatch down there isn't attractive. Howard said some women don't shave down there because they're just bitches.
A listener called in and thought that Howard had gotten rid of his dog. Howard said he didn't but he's stopped talking about her on the air because of all of the complaints he gets from fans when he does. Howard said his dog is great because she just lays there and does nothing. He said he doesn't even have to walk her except for her to go to the bathroom.
KC came in and showed Howard a picture of a prairie dog. Howard said that's not what he expected. It looked more like a rodent than he expected. He went on to tell a story about this guy Mark Coppola who used to work at the station. He came in one day after getting bitten on his nose by his pet ferret. Howard said he didn't even want to talk to KC about the prairie dog thing. He's part of the problem because he wants to have one as a pet.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that no one touched Christopher Reeve at the Tony Awards. She didn't know that people aren't supposed to touch the guy. Howard and Robin explained to her why they're not supposed to touch him because he has a lot of stuff hooked up to him. Mariann told Howard that she got a job working for Tony and Tina's Wedding as a Dialect Coach. Howard thought she was joking but it sounded like she was serious.
A listener called in and said they interviewed Michael J. Fox during the NBA finals and it was so disturbing that they cut away from him. Robin told Howard that she saw that and had it on TiVo so she went back and watched it again. She said Fox starts to shake like crazy when he begins to talk.The more he fights it the more he shakes. Howard said he really feels bad for the guy because he's a nice guy.
Another listener called in and suggested a new game for Fred to play. He had 10 sound effects for Fred to play within 45 seconds. Fred said he'd do what he could to keep up. The guy made suggestions and Fred had every one of them. Here are some of those clips:
Howard said Stuttering John watched the TV show where they do an IQ test over an hour and a half. He said it was pretty cool because they gave results and Boston came out as being the smartest. He also talked about some of the other statistics they had from the show. Howard said it wasn't all that accurate because it's just people who watch FOX. He said the smartest people in the test had green or gray eyes, brown hair and a bunch of other little things like that. There were some celebrities who took the test live on the show but they didn't give their scores.
Howard said this Radar magazine did this test where they took two celebrity names, Gwyneth Paltrow and Melissa Rivers, and tried to get reservations at restaurants and a baseball game. When they used Gwyneth's name, they got stuff. When they used Melissa Rivers name, it didn't work out quite as well. Gwyneth could have gotten seats at a Yankees game but Melissa wouldn't have been able to get tickets to a Dodgers game. Howard said he's pretty good at getting into restaurants in New York City but there are times when they're just booked up and he can't get in. Howard said he thinks it would be funny if they did a whole magazine based on those calls trying to get free stuff for celebrities. Gary told Howard more about the stuff they tried to get for Melissa and Gwyneth. They went through that for a short time. Howard said he went to a Gucci store one time and they have it laid out like a museum. He said that it was nice to shop there. He said he usually hates shopping but Gucci makes it nice. Howard said he's always hated shopping even when he was a kid. He had to go to the Big Man Tall Man store because he was so tall. Sometimes he gained some weight as well so he was fat as well. Howard said his mother would make him ''dress like he was going to meet the mayor'' when he was a kid so he had to wear the geekiest clothes. He said she'd make him wear what she wanted because she was paying for them. Not only that but he and his father were shopping in the same store. Howard said he had to wear the cheapest sneakers and stuff like that as well. He said his mother hated sneakers because they looked like ''rags on the feet.'' Howard said dealing with all of that just made him want to get out of the house as soon as possible. He said he wanted a toy gun as a child but his mother wouldn't allow that. When he got older he bought some real ones instead. He said he doesn't discuss that with her though. He said she once asked him about an article that was written about how he has guns and he just told her he loves guns and owns a bunch of them. Howard said his mother drove him nuts and even when he went to get his ear pierced, she told him that he was putting a hole in ''her ear.'' Gary asked him if she freaked out about the tattoos as well. He said he didn't discuss those with her. Howard said the other day he thought the voice of his mother in his head was leaving but then he heard her say that she wasn't going to leave. Howard said if she was listening to the conversation they were having, she'd say that it was all just stories he was making up. Fred was playing a bunch of clips of Howard's mother talking to him in the background. Howard said that voice is in his head all the time. Howard said it's all water under the bridge now though. He changed subjects and said someone sent him a picture of Jewel naked while she was on vacation somewhere. The guys said she was a little ''thick'' in the picture though. Howard said she's got some nice boobs but she's not as hot as he expected. Stuttering John asked Howard who he'd rather have, Jewel of Britney Spears. Howard picked Britney. He also picked Christina Aguilera over Jewel because Jewel is so angry. That led to Howard talking about how a guy should be able to get a chick off in 5 minutes or less. He thinks it would take like two hours with Jewel.
Gary asked Howard what he thinks of Drew Barrymore and whether or not she's fat. Howard said she is fat and it looks like she likes to eat. Howard also said that Demi Moore doesn't even look like Demi Moore anymore because she did something to her face. Howard brought up some other chicks that he'd bang like Ashley Judd and Charlize Theron. Stuttering John brought up Jennifer Garner and said that she's also a little ''thick'' when you see her in person. Howard said she's not quite what you'd expect. The guys talked about some other women as well. Howard was talking about Katie Couric and how she looks like The Joker when she smiles with that gummy smile of hers. He also talked about what a two faced bitch she is. She screwed him when she did an interview with him about his movie ''Private Parts.'' He said none of that stuff means anything though so he moved on.
Gary pointed out that Artie had some leftover chicken parmesan for breakfast. The guys pointed out that he'll still have breakfast later in the morning. The guys talked about how Artie will eat just about anything with Mozzarella cheese on it. Howard joked that they put cheese on a hammer while they were out in Vegas and Artie ate it.
Gary the Retard called in and said that Stuttering John called him at four in the morning and wanted him to call in. Howard told Gary that John didn't call him and someone was goofing on him. Gary the Retard didn't know what they were talking about and still thought that Stuttering John had called him. Howard tried to explain it to him but he was having trouble grasping the concept of the goof. Howard and Gary the Retard also spent a little time talking about his date with Wendy the Retard. He said she hasn't called him since the date. Wendy was on the phone but had fallen asleep so they couldn't talk to her. Howard said maybe she found another man and that's why she hasn't called him. Howard told Gary he'd have him back to New York soon and took a break right after that.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who did a whole roast of Howard as soon as he got on the air. The guy was reading from something he'd written that wasn't even that funny. Howard ended up hanging up on him.
Another caller said he needed some advice about a chick who he got oral from. He said she's his wife's best friend and he's not sure what he should do about it. Howard wasn't sure what the problem was. He had the guy solve his own problem when he told him to ask himself what he thinks he should do. Howard thought the woman was his best friend's wife so when Robin told him it's his wife's best friend, he changed his tune. Howard told him that's okay if he's getting a little oral from another woman. Howard said you never have sex with your best friend's wife no matter what. Howard told the guy to go shoot himself, that's what he should do. Howard said if the guy is that bored at 24, he should probably get out of that marriage already.
Howard played some clips of Barbara Walters interviewing Hilary Clinton. In one clip Hilary was talking about how great President Clinton's hands are and how she's watched them age over the years. Howard and Robin pointed out that those are the same hands that have groped interns.
Howard brought up Woody Allen and how he's defending France now. Howard played a clip of him talking about how he doesn't want to have to call his French Fries ''Freedom Fries'' and how he doesn't want to ''Freedom Kiss'' his wife when he really wants to French kiss her. Howard goofed on him for a few seconds before playing tape of Serena Williams breaking down and crying after being booed at a tennis match over in France. Howard went off on the French a little bit after talking about what skunks they are. He wondered how people can put up with Woody Allen and what he has to say about the French while he's porking his ex-wife's daughter.
Howard said he was listening to Joey Ramone singing ''I Wanna Be Sedated'' this morning and said he loved the sound of his voice. He didn't have it there to play right then though. KC came in with the CD a minute later. Howard was also talking about this guy who is willing to do some wacky stuff like safety pin his nut sack to get his CD played on his show. Howard threw the Ramones CD in and played the song and remembered Joey for a short time. KC was telling Howard that the guy who wants to get his CD played is willing to eat a frozen hot dog or gulp down syrup from a bottle. It turns out this guy Igor is the band's manager. Howard had him on the phone and told him that he doesn't have to safety pin his nut sack, he'll play it and give him his review. Howard had the CD there and wanted to play a song but the guy wasn't sure which track number to play. He didn't know answers to a few things they asked him. Howard played a track from the band known as The Gaskets. Howard said the CD sounded kind of like one of these broadway shows like ''Rent'' or something like that. He said the music isn't something he'd like. KC said it sounds like a bad Weird Al album or something. Howard also told Igor that the instruments sounded kind of cheap as well. Howard told Igor that they might want to think about using some decent instruments instead of the cheap stuff they have. KC said the music blows hammer or something like that. Howard told the guy he wasn't trying to discourage him but the music was like a Broadway show. KC said it could be gay porn music or something like that. Howard let the guy get some plugs in for the band's web site, TheGaskets.com and his own web site DrivenByBoredom.com. Howard played a second track and it sounded even stranger than the first one. KC wondered if they should listen to another track or burn their eyes with a lighter instead. Howard said he's only had 2 tapes sent to him over the years that were worth playing. He said Kid Rock sent him something before he was big and of course Roger Alan Wade. Fred played some of Roger's stuff and then played Sugar Ray's rockin' cover of ''Psychedelic Bee'' that they did about 7 years ago before they hit big. Howard also had Fred play ''Diarrhea'' and one of Adam Sandler's song parodies. They also played Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song parody. Howard and Artie did their George Takei impressions for a couple of minutes after that. Howard said there's plenty of good music out there like those songs but it's tough to make it. Howard had Fred play that Kidd Chris prank phone call to George Takei where he calls him as Ricardo Montalban. Of course Howard and Artie did their impressions again for a little while. Howard and Artie seem to love that call a lot. Howard would like to know when they run those Star Trek cruises that George Takei talks about in the prank call. Artie said he wouldn't be totally opposed to going on one of those cruises. Howard and Fred continued to play some of the song parodies they had laying around. They played ''50 Ways to Kill Saddam'' and a bunch of others. Howard said Melissa Gilbert was there so he had to take a break before getting to her. KC came in a minute later with another one of the Kidd Chris prank calls to George Takei. In that call Kidd Chris has a bunch of other guys making prank calls to his show. They all goof on Takei until he eventually hangs up.
Howard asked Melissa if her breasts are implants or not. She said they're hers and they're real. Howard didn't believe her. Artie told Howard he believed her and asked to see them. Melissa said someone did an article about her where they discussed whether or not hers are real because no one has seen them. She said they are real though. She's 39 years old with two kids.
Melissa said that she had neck surgery not too long ago and Howard could see the scar on her neck. She said it was just 4 weeks ago that she had it done so that's why there's a scar.
Howard talked to Melissa about going on the John Edwards show where he talks to dead people. Melissa said she thought it was incredible and thinks that she may have heard from her father. Howard said he's had that guy on his show and he's such a phony. He just makes stuff up according to Howard. He told Melissa that Harry Houdini gave his wife a password to use just in case he died and no psychic was ever able to tell his wife what that word was.
Howard wanted to know what Melissa heard from her father. She said she couldn't tell him exactly what it was that Edwards told her though. Howard just wanted her to take off her top so he could get a better look at her breasts. Melissa told Howard that Edwards was able to tell her about where she goes to read books and stuff in the corner of her room. He also told her some other stuff about contacting her father that had her convinced. Howard decided to try it himself. Howard said he saw a vibrator and her with her legs spread using it. He gave up on that goof within a few seconds.
Howard asked Melissa about this SAG (Screen Actors Guild) and how she's now the president of the union. She's urging people to get all of these unions, SAG, AFTRA and AFRA, to merge into one big union. Howard said that makes sense to him because he'd like to pay dues to just one union instead of the two he's paying for now. Howard said there are some people against it like Valerie Harper who was up for the Presidency of SAG. Melissa said people are afraid of change and that's why they don't want the merge to happen. Howard changed subjects and asked Melissa about having anal with Rob Lowe which they talked about when she's been on in the past. They skimmed over that for a few seconds and then moved on. Howard asked Melissa if she has any plans to get into politics. He said she could follow in the steps of Ronald Reagan by becoming Governor and then President of the United States. Howard got back to the sex talk in the middle of that discussion. He asked if there's any video tape of her having sex with anyone out there. She said it's too much of a hassle to make that happen so she doesn't bother with it.
Howard attempted to take some phone calls for Melissa but no one was there when he picked up the phone. Howard had to ask for someone to come in and try to get it to work. Scott the Engineer showed up and said he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing.
Melissa's jacket came off during the phone fiasco. Howard missed her taking it off though. Howard finally got the phone working and had actress Frances Fisher on the phone. She said that she knows Melissa's breasts are real because she has hugged Melissa before. She was with Clint Eastwood one time and ended up having his baby. She told Howard that he was good in bed though. Howard wanted to know if Frances hates Melissa. She said she doesn't hate her but she does oppose to this merger that Melissa is proposing. She told Howard why that is and some of the reasons she doesn't want it to happen. There are some complicated issues about voting and stuff like that which they went over quickly. Howard said he hates his union because they almost screwed him back when he got fired from WNBC and they refused to pay his contract. Howard said they didn't want to back him up so he had to go out and hire a lawyer. Howard and Artie both said they still want the merge but Frances told them to ''read the document'' first. Both of them got in plugs for web sites. Howard let both of them argue their sides but said he was zoning out while they were explaining this stuff. Howard said that's why he doesn't go to the meetings. Howard wrapped up the call with Frances and said that she was making some sense to him. Howard told Melissa she has to watch out for that. Melissa was still arguing for her side but Howard interrupted her and said that she looks really good. They ended up talking about the anal sex thing again as well. Artie made a joke about merging his penis with her... He didn't get out the last word but everyone knew what he was talking about and thought that was a little over the edge. Howard was getting ready to wrap up the interview when Gary came in and asked if she had a run in with Brad Garrett from ''Everybody Loves Raymond.'' They heard that he said something to her about how he was glad to see his dues were going somewhere good while he looked at her breasts. Melissa said he actually said that on camera and she thought it was kind of funny. She said her son thought it was pretty funny as well. Howard gave Melissa a plug for the web site she was plugging, ParnershipForPower.org, and ended the interview a short time later.
Howard spent some time talking about how good looking Melissa was. He and Robin also talked about how they admire her for doing what she does. They also talked about that Frances Fisher and what a loud mouth she was. Howard said she had a lot to say and it's a turn off to him. He checked out some pictures of her though, and said she is good looking. Howard said no wonder Clint gave it to her. He wasn't surprised that Clint just did her once and left since she talks so much. After talking about that for a short time Howard had Robin start her news. He took a phone call shortly after getting into that and the guy complained about the show today. Howard ended up telling him that he does what interests him on his show so he doesn't have to be a dick and call in to complain about it. If he doesn't like what's on, he can change stations. He had Robin get back to her news after the call.
Howard said he was listening to the ''American Idol'' new singles from Ruben and Clay. Howard said Ruben's is really bad. He was comparing the two and he thinks that Ruben's is worse than Clay's... and Clay's is pretty bad. He said he was hoping for some good music but that didn't happen. He played Ruben's single and talked about how bad it was. Robin said everyone has gone homo with the music these days. That led to the guys talking about how Dustin Hoffman wants to play Liberace in a movie. Howard said he'd like to play that part himself. The guys also suggested some other people who could play the part pretty well. Howard then played Clay's single and goofed on how bad that was. Fred played some pig squealing sound effects in the background as the song played.
Howard said he has to give a urine specimen during the show sometime today during the show. He signed up for some insurance policy and he has to take the urine test for some reason. Howard said he's not even sure he wants this insurance but his accountant suggested getting it. He said he just went with it even though he doesn't think he wants it. He said he's very ''pee shy'' so it might be tough to go when the guy shows up to take the sample.
Howard said he was really busy after the show but he did get the chance to watch the rest of ''The Recruit'' which he talked about yesterday. He said he actually likes Colin Farrel now after seeing the movie. He said he makes a great rental. He also said that his TiVo gave him a preview of ''The Hulk'' movie and it's looking better than it did at Super Bowl time but he's still not sure how good it's going to be. He said they get a preview of it this week.
Howard said his TiVo cut off the last bit of ''For Love or Money'' last night and it was kind of upsetting. Robin had the same problem. Robin told Howard about this show that was on NBC last night where they have comedians performing and competing against each other. Robin said they had a lot of funny people on the show and it was very good. Stuttering John came in and said that he watched the show and some of the comedians stole jokes from old movies and stuff like that. He said Joe Rogan called them out on that since he was a judge. John told Howard about the show and how they go about judging and stuff like that. Howard was listening to John trying to explain what the show was all about but he said he just doesn't understand him when he tells him about stuff. He said he was woozy after listening to him. Gary has to come in and explain to him what John was talking about. Robin said she even saw Yucko the Clown there at one point but didn't see him perform. Howard said it sounded kind of like his World's Meanest Listener contest.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Carnie Wilson. Howard talked about how Carnie went out and had her stomach stapled to lose some weight years ago. Then she came on the show, not looking so great, congratulating herself on the weight loss. He said she didn't do anything to lose the weight so there was no reason to congratulate herself. Howard said he told her that when she was on the show and then she ended up writing about how he made her cry in her new book. Howard also told Carnie about how her husband must be a little strange because he married her when she was 400 pounds. Now she's in Playboy but she's still fat according to Howard. He said she's coming in today to talk about that. Howard wants to know why they're ruining Playboy with these celebrity layouts. He said he wants to see hot chicks in the magazine, not fat chicks. Howard had come in so he could take a memo to send to Playboy. It went something like this:
What happened to my magazine? What are you guys doing, what's wrong with you? Now you've got fat chicks in the magazine? What am I supposed to do with that? Why don't you send over a thin woman to pleasure me? I want my money back! Why are there fat chicks in my magazine? Get a life!
Fat chicks are all over the street, I don't need that in my magazine.
Howard got back to the phones and ended up talking about this show ''For Love or Money'' that he's been watching. One guy said he knew who the chicks were that got voted off since Howard missed it when his TiVo cut off the last minute or so of the show. Howard and the guy spent a short time talking about that. Howard and Robin talked about the guy on that show and what a ''scroat'' he is. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
A listener asked Howard if he's coming out with any new CD compilations or anything. Howard said the next thing he's coming out with is the E! uncensored video. He said it's turned out to be more complicated than he expected and he's not sure when it's going to be out. The guy on the phone brought up how Howard made those CDs and tapes of his in the past collectible. Howard said the way technology is today you can't do it like that anymore. Everyone makes copies of that stuff. There are still some things out there with his name on it that are collectible though. Howard said he doesn't care either way. He doesn't get it when someone comes up to him with a napkin and has him sign it. He said he knows they're just going to throw it out anyway.
Howard said he got a letter from the Friar's Club inviting him to a roast for Larry Flynt. Howard said they have Larry King, Gabe Kaplan and Buddy Hackett hosting the roast. Howard said it seems like a pretty depressing thing to go to. They claim that it will be the most X-rated roast ever. Howard said the invite was requested by Larry Flynt. He said he's not sure he wants to go to something like that because he has no idea what he'd say to Larry. He came up with a few jokes that he could use but he said he feels bad for Flynt who is confined to a wheelchair. Howard ended up goofing on Larry King as well. He came up with more jokes and stuff he could do to Flynt if he went to the roast. Howard said he would have preferred an invitation to play a villain in a Hollywood movie over the Friars Club invitation. He talked about how he and his agent go over to the Friars Club to eat once in a while and it's really depressing. There are a lot of old comedians who hang out there. He said a lot of the guys he's seen there in the past have passed away. Howard talked about what a mess some of those old guys turn out to be and how he doesn't want that to happen to him. Howard said when he gets that old, he's just going to stay inside and read. That led to them talking about Johnny Carson and how he doesn't even leave his boat. Howard took yet another break shortly after that.
Howard changed subjects and talked about the Liberace thing they were talking about earlier in the morning. They said Dustin Hoffman is fighting to play the part of the gay performer but Howard said he'd love to have the part. He and the guys goofed around with ideas of how he could play that part.
Howard said he read that Jenna and Heidi from ''Survivor'' have agreed to appear in Playboy. He said that's something he'd like to see unlike the Carnie Wilson layout. He said all of these magazines like Maxim and FHM are fighting to get celebrities to appear half naked. In the latest Maxim they have the ''Charlie's Angels'' chicks and they air brushed Drew Barrymore down to a point where it doesn't even look like her. Howard said Drew doesn't think she should have to change her body for Hollywood but then they air brush her down. He said if she doesn't want to change for Hollywood, then she shouldn't let them air brush her either.
Howard brought up the NJ Devils win of the Stanley Cup and how much hype there is around the trophy. Gary said that they make a big deal about the trophy when a team wins it. Howard brought up the time the NY Rangers won the trophy and he took it into the bathroom and smeared chocolate pudding all over it to make it look like they'd crapped in it. Howard and Gary said they may be able to get the Devils to bring the cup in as well. They want to have Benjy pleasure himself in the cup. Gary said the NHL doesn't want stuff like that going on though so it might be tough to get it in there.
Howard read an article about the goalie from the Devils who is dating his wife's sister. He read an article about the guy and how he left his wife to date her sister. The guys talked about how that would be a huge story if hockey was more popular. Earlier Howard was talking about how a Woman's softball game got ratings just as good as the hockey games did. That's how unpopular hockey is here in the states.
Howard brought up this guy they had on the show during the Las Vegas shows. He was suffering from a disease that was shutting down his whole system. He needed this experimental drug that was really expensive and his health coverage wouldn't cover him. The company agreed to cover the cost of the drug for him instead. The guy wrote to Howard and said he had open heart surgery and he's recovering now.
Howard brought up a story about this woman who bought her kids some booze. Howard thought that was kind of weird for the kids because who would want to have their parents there while they drink. Gary came in and interrupted that discussion when he told Howard the guy was there to collect his urine. Howard said he didn't have to go yet. He drank some more water so he could try and go. Gary told him he could take the test for him because he had to pee. Howard wanted to talk to the guy who came down to collect the urine so Gary went out to ask him if he'd come on the air. Howard said he last peed at about 4 in the morning. Robin figured he'd have to pee by eight o'clock but he didn't have to go. She also told Howard about how they have this fake penis that guys can use to take their urine tests. They have a jock strap with a flesh colored penis that leaks out a stored urine. The guys wondered what a black guy is supposed to do. Robin said the penis is paintable which made Artie bust out laughing.
Albert the Urine collector came in and told Howard that he used to practice medicine down in the Philippines. He and Howard talked about that for a short time. Howard asked him if he could just drink a little more water because he was having trouble trying to pee. The guy said that was fine but he wouldn't let Gary take the test for him. Howard also told him he didn't want him watching him go pee because he's not gay. Howard was hoping that the urine sample cup wasn't see through but it was. Howard asked him if it was a little weird to handle pee all day. Albert told Howard that he uses gloves to handle the cup so it's not all that bad. Howard also picked out that Albert had a hair piece. Albert said it's a Hair Club for Men hair piece. Howard told him he should just go bald.
Howard still wasn't sure he could go pee but decided to give it a try while he was still on the air. He was going to take a microphone with him into the bathroom. He ended up talking to Albert a little more before he finally went into the bathroom. He said it was going to be really tough to do it while hearing everyone's voices. He said he was nervous with the audience listening as well. Gary set him up with a wireless microphone and headphones. He then found out that he has to pee into a cup and then pour the pee into two test tubes. He was afraid that he'd pour it all over his hands.
Howard went into the bathroom and said he was looking at his penis in the mirror as he was trying to pee. Howard set the microphone down and attempted to go pee. It eventually came and he filled the cup. He then had to wipe down because he dribbles after going sometimes. Howard had to transfer the pee to the two test tubes. Robin said years ago they would do that for you, now you have to do it yourself. Howard filled the tubes and came out with everything for Albert. Howard didn't spill anything so there was no mess for Albert to avoid. Albert had gloves on anyway though. He had to bring the samples to the lab after that. Howard was going to give Albert a prize for coming in but Albert didn't want to take anything. Howard offered to send him to the Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp that he was talking about earlier. Albert wasn't into that though so he just asked for Howard's signature for the test. Howard then joked that tomorrow they'll be doing his colon exam on the show tomorrow.
The guys spent a short time talking about Albert's hair piece. Howard also said that the whole thing was kind of traumatic for him. He ended up leaving the cup of urine in the bathroom because he didn't have time to clean it up. All Albert got was the test tubes. Howard later said he should have peed in one of his Dr. Phil mugs for the urine test. That led to Howard talking about the crap that Dr. Phil sells on his web site. Howard said the mug is creepy because you see Dr. Phil's head when you take a drink. He talked about the t-shirts, spiral bound journal and a bunch of other little crappy things he sells. Howard said they have t-shirts going all the way up to 3XL. There was also a tri-fold photo frame and a key ring. As Howard was reading about this stuff Gary was telling Howard how much the stuff cost. After reading about the Dr. Phil Scrubs, he called him a ''Dick'' and talked about how lame that is. Howard said anything Dr. Phil can get his hands on he'll put his name on. He's not even a medical doctor so the scrubs don't even make sense. Howard threw out the list because it was making him sick.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he raises prairie dogs. Yesterday Howard was talking about how the animals have started spreading Monkeypox to humans. Howard said people should stop having pets like that and just have dogs, not prairie dogs. The guy on the phone also talked about these Sugar Gliders that are really cute.
Howard got back to the Dr. Phil thing and read about his newsletter and his mugs and crap. Artie started doing his impression of Dr. Phil and goofed on him for a short time. They were also talking about what has happened to coffee these days and how they put so many sweet things in the stuff that you can't even taste the coffee anymore.
Howard changed subjects and said that teens over in Japan are committing suicide because there's so much pressure on them to perform in school and stuff. Howard said that's not a problem here in the U.S. He talked about how kids here just don't care about stuff like that.
Howard read that lap dancing may be banned in Los Angeles. Howard said he can't believe that and said that guys want that when they go to clubs. He said they want chicks to do weird stuff to them. He said they're proposing having a 30 inch rail between the ''entertainers'' and the patrons at the club. Howard said that would keep him from going to the clubs. He said it's creepier to be 6 feet away from a chick than being right up close. Howard said it's almost to the point in these clubs where you can orgasm and now people are trying to take that away from them.
Howard said he has to take a break but after that they're going to have Yaqi the Tickler on the phone to talk about why he's retiring.
Howard took a call from a doctor who explained to Howard that this Sarcoidosis isn't something that someone can bring on themselves. It's uncontrollable. Howard seems to think that it could be like some things that Dr. John Sarno has talked about in his books ( The Mindbody Prescription : Healing the Body, Healing the Pain, Healing Back Pain : The Mind-Body Connection) that are brought on unknowingly by the person. Howard said he thinks Sarno might be able to help Yaqi out. Howard said there aren't that many real illnesses, a lot of them are all mental.
Yaqi told Howard that his web site is going away soon. He also wanted to thank a few people for helping him out. He thanked the people at...
After Yaqi's Howard took a phone call from a guy but ended up talking about how Carson Daly has taken Janie the Cleaning Lady over at NBC and made her his movie reviewer. Howard used to have her on his radio show when he was over at WNBC many years ago. Howard said she'd come in to clean and he'd put her on the air as a goof but Carson has made her a part of his show and it just doesn't work. Howard played a clip of Carson talking to her and said it just fell flat. After playing that Howard got back to the phone caller and let him ask a question. The guy wanted to know if Howard thought Halle Berry was hotter than Pamela Anderson. Howard said he doesn't think she's that hot. He said she's not that sexual to him. He said he has talked about how big of a deal it would be if he ever had sex with her but he doesn't think she's all that sexy. Howard said the guy she's married to has been cheating on her and that's probably because he thinks the same thing. Howard said there's something about her that's just a big turn off. Howard said that Angelina Jolie is looking good to him these days. He said she looks like she'd be very sexual. Plus, she went out with a really ugly guy, Billy Bob Thornton, which makes him think he could get her as well. He spent a minute on that and then had to take a break.
Howard said he was on this web site where they have pictures of guys dressed as girls and you have to try and pick them out of a ''Female or Shemale'' line up. Howard had Robin try to do it herself. Howard said he only missed three but Tom Chiusano missed a bunch. Robin was doing really good. Howard was amazed at how well she did. She only missed four out of the 16 she saw. Howard said he got the same score earlier. Robin said the pictures weren't that great so if they were better, she probably could have gotten them all correct. Howard said when you see shemales in person, it's also a different story. If you want to take the test yourself, here's the link: www2.b3ta.com/femaleorshemale3/#.
Howard said that James Taylor is coming to Jones Beach after hearing his song before the show started. He said he's great but he was on the show the one time and never came back. Robin thought he was on a couple of times. Howard didn't remember the other visit. Howard said he did see him at a recording studio one time but couldn't stick around to watch. Howard said that James Taylor and Joe Walsh did a song together on the show. Fred pulled that one out and played it for them. Artie said he likes the version of ''Woodstock'' that Taylor performed on the show as well. Howard let the full song play and said he misses Joe Walsh coming on the show. He ended up sobering up and stopped coming on the show. Howard said Joe shot the FOX TV pilot shows and Joe was laying on the ground in the background because he was so drunk he couldn't get up. He said the guy was great. Gary came in a short time later and told the whole story about how Walsh started drinking at around 10 in the morning. Later in the day he heard that they were going to smoke some pot but Gary told them he didn't want to know anything about it. Gary said Joe also went shopping at a music store and bought a trombone that he ended up attempting to play later in the afternoon because he was so drunk. Gary also told Howard that he heard that he set back the Eagles reunion by a few years when he let Joe perform ''Desperado'' on his TV show and let it air. Gary said now Joe won't talk to them at all because he blames Howard for letting him play that song on the air.
A listener called in and said that Jay Mohr ripped off one of Howard's bits when he was on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night. It turns out the guy was yanking him and said Jay was ''...breathing while he was telling one of his jokes... didn't you invent that?'' Howard hung up on the guy and told Jay to stop calling the show. Howard said Jay used to be a huge fan of his and tried to get on his show but never did. Then he went on Opie and Anthony's show and badmouthed him. He decided that he'll never do his show after that.
Howard took another call from a guy who wondered what was up with him picking ''Purple Rain'' as his favorite song of the last 25 years yesterday. Howard said he got a ton of e-mail about the subject. He said he got a couple that said he was right but most of them said that there's no way that song is the best of the past 25 years. He read through some of the mail and some people said he's gay for picking that song. The caller Howard had said that ''Purple Rain'' is what they call it when a gay guy orgasm's on another guy under a black light. Howard said he's pretty sure Prince didn't have that in mind when he wrote that song. Howard took a strange call about Gary's apology tape. The guy wondered if Fred keeps it in a locked room behind 100 doors or something. Fred and Howard had no idea what he was talking about though. It turns out Gary keeps it locked in his desk on a CD. Gary told Howard he had the clip out for him to play the other day and he never got to it. Howard didn't remember that so he kind of blew it off and took a break.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard if he's going to act in any of the movie's he's producing. Howard said he thinks he's a great actor but all he gets are crappy scripts. He said he's spoken to Sheri Lansing from Paramount and has asked her what's up with there being no good scripts. He said she told him he has to develop something of his own if he wants something good. He went on to talk about how he's been sitting on his ass working a lot lately so he has to make time to go out and work out sometimes. Then takes his daughter out and does stuff with her so he doesn't have any time left over to develop his own movie. Gary asked him what kind of crappy scripts he's been offered. Howard told him about one where he would have been locked in a room with a dog chasing him around through the whole thing. He was going to do a role in a Melanie Griffith movie but that whole thing fell through. Then there's the movie's he's producing, the remake of ''Porkey's'' and ''Rock and Roll High School.'' Howard said he's not sure he'd be appearing in either one though.
The caller Howard had also asked him if he's tried to get Kathie Lee Gifford on the show lately. Howard said he hasn't and Gary said he's pretty sure Frank Gifford wouldn't let that happen anyway. He said she may be desperate enough to come on but Frank won't let it happen. After asking Howard about all of that and asked if there were any prizes he could win. Howard looked in his Prize Closet but wasn't seeing much. He ended up offering the guy the Stanley Cup. A couple of guys from the NJ Devils were going to bring it in today but when they heard about them making a doody in it the last time it was on the show, they changed their minds.
Howard went through a bunch of other phony stuff in the prize closet and told the guy he wasn't going to give him any of it. He saw a dead intern, Liz Smith, bongos and some other stuff. He ended up offering him a cash prize of $500 if he could guess the number he was guessing between 1 and 10. Howard had written down the number 4 and the guy guessed 9. Howard gave him a Dr. Phil mug instead. The guy was upset that he got that and started to complain. Howard said he can't even have a good loser on the show.
Double A called in and had a game for Howard to play. He had lists of women in various categories he wanted Howard to pick from. Here are the lists and the women Howard picked... His lists were non stop and near impossible to follow so here's what I got:
Women of X-Men
Women of Austin Powers
Women Who Get Naked in Movies
Older Chicks with One Time Hits
Girls of Buffy
Playboy Cover Girls
Women of Charlies Angels
Girls of Friends
His game went on and on and didn't go anywhere. He was knocking the list down to a final two which came down to Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Molly Sims. He had to go with Rebecca as his top pick. Howard and the guys said there was no point to the list but by the end of it Howard said he had a game going. He said he couldn't believe that Rebecca was the one he picked. Gary said the game was flawed because he had three choices for each category. Howard said it was crazy. Artie and Fred were goofing on Double A about the game and other stuff. They goofed on his voice and were making jokes about him knocking women out before having sex and stuff like that. Howard had to take a break after that.
Gary was going to tell Howard about something but he had crap in his throat so Howard asked him to go out and clear it first. They played a ''The Best of Baba Booey Clearing His Throat'' commercial parody while they waited for him to do that. Gary said he's had that problem for a long time even before he started smoking again. He eventually got back to his discussion. He brought up the Olsen Twins and the story that was done about them on ''48 Hours'' last night. He told Howard about all of the stuff they have their names on and how much money they must be making from it all. They have 52 products and generated about $950 million dollars. They estimate that they'll double that this year. Gary said the girls are also upset that they're on this ''World's Richest Kids'' list because most of the kids on the list inherited their money while they ''worked'' for theirs. Through all of this Gary was having throat problems. Howard had him clear it but he got sick each time he did it. Howard played some clips from the show where the girls talk about some of this stuff. The girls don't think that they're going to be like a Britney Spears when they get older. They don't think they're sexy or anything like that either. Gary said the kids that were interviewed about them think that they can sing and dance just fine even though most people don't think that's true. Howard said his daughter likes them because they dress cool. Howard was still freaked out by Gary's throat clearing so he had a bunch of ''Baba Booey'' clips to play during the segment. There were also some voice mails and stuff like that. Robin thought it was funny that he has ''smoker's logic'' and doesn't believe that smoking has anything to do with the phlegm he has in his throat. Howard said he does that throat clearing while he's eating his eggs sometimes and it makes him sick to his stomach.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they ever get dances from strippers at Scores where they rub their asses in their crotch. Howard is always talking about how they get the knee from the girls but not asses rubbing in their crotch. The guy told Howard he has to go down to Philly to get stuff like that. Howard said he's happy with Scores though and he doesn't want to go anywhere else.
Howard had a story about a woman who is suing the Rosie O'Donnell show because she got hit in the face with one of these Kush balls when Rosie shot them into the crowd. She claims that she was hit in the mouth with the ball and was injured. She's suing for $3 million. Howard wondered when these ridiculous lawsuits are going to stop. He read the article about it and the woman claims she had to stay home for the holidays because of the injury. Howard said he thinks that she should get the money but not for getting hit with the ball, just for having to sit through Rosie's show. The woman used to be a New York City cop and she didn't have a problem until she went to see Rosie's show.
Howard talked about Jerry Springer and how he wants to run for a public office. They talked about some of the wacky things Jerry has done in his life for a short time.
Howard congratulated Artie because they just released the movie ''Old School'' in which Artie appeared. In the commentary during the DVD release, the guys mention how funny Artie is and the fact that he's on the Howard Stern show. Howard played that clip and said that it's kind of lame how little effort people put into those commentaries. Artie said he heard the DVD is great because of some of the extras they have on it.
Howard had some new ''The Onion Radio News'' bits to play. In one phony news bit they talk about how a commercial ad agency doesn't remember hiring Carrot Top for the job. Robin thought that was pretty funny and got a laugh out of it. Howard ended up talking about Carrot Top for a short time after that. Howard then played another ''Onion Radio News'' clip they talk about how a business card proved that a Real Estate Agent really was Eddie Money the singer. Howard thought that one was pretty good.
A listener called in and talked to Howard about this video game that he heard about where you're stuck in the World Trade Center and have to get down from the top by either jumping out a window or running down the stairs. Howard said that's the sickest thing he's ever heard and thinks that it's probably a fake story the guy heard about. Howard ended up talking about how great it is that President Bush had us go over and take Saddam Hussein out of power for, basically, no reason. He said that shows the other Arab countries that we can be crazy like them.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked about this ''Porkey's'' remake Howard is doing. He wants to get in on the casting but Howard told him they're still working on the script. He said he does want to use ''real'' kids in the movie and not make it look like a ''Dawson's Creek'' type of cast. He doesn't want the kids looking like they're 35 years old like some of them did in the original film.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in with some ages of people they've been talking about lately.. They turned out to just be various celebrities but he had a good idea. Here are some of those people and their ages:
Howard said Gary was reading Carnie Wilson's book (''I'm Still Hungry: Finding Myself Through Thick and Thin'') and found this section where she wrote about her experience with Howard. Howard started to read some of it but got confused by the grammar. They ended up talking about that for a minute. Howard then read the excerpt from the book where she talks about her horrible experience on the show. She described Howard's comments to her boyfriend at the time. Howard wondered how the guy could have been attracted to her when she weighed like 400 pounds. She claims that she was so upset by the whole interview that she went downstairs after the interview and started balling her eyes out. Howard and Robin said they never heard anything about that until now. Howard said he can't ignore something like that when he does an interview with a guy who's attracted to a big fat chick like that when he's a good looking guy. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that before moving on to other stuff.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy told him he had sex with a transsexual ''by accident'' recently. The guy said he was in an adult video store and this chick was checking him out and they ended up watching some porn together in the store. Then the transsexual gave him oral. He was then going to give the ''woman'' sex from behind. He started to have sex with ''her'' but when he reached around to work on her from the front, he felt the bulge. That's when he realized something wasn't right. He said he finished up with his anal sex and left. He said he punched the dude in the back of the head after finishing up. He ran off after that. Howard said he's just pissed that he found out he's gay. The guy says he's not gay but Howard and the guys think that if he wasn't gay, he wouldn't have finished up after feeling the bulge. Howard told him he sounded gay too.The guy told Howard he likes it when his girl sticks her finger back there sometimes as well. Howard told the guy he clenches up if Beth goes back there to do that.
Howard had tape of this little kid Lil Romeo talking about this customized Jaguar he has. Meanwhile, he's not even old enough to drive.
Howard had a new Mr. Skin Minute from MrSkin.com. In the clips Mr. Skin talks about the latest movie releases in theaters and on DVD and whether or not they have nudity in them. This week Mr. Skin says there's no nudity in the new releases of ''Hollywood Homicide'' or ''Dumb and Dumberer.'' On DVD though, Mr. Skin says that there is plenty of nudity in ''Old School'' when Lisa Donatz has a KY Jelly wrestling match. Mr. Skin also said that his ''Breast Picture Award'' movie ''Frida'' is also out on DVD this week. In that movie, you get to see Salma Hayek's breasts and, if you pause it, you may be able to see some ''Taco Bellage.'' Mr. Skin makes finding all of the nude scenes easy. He finds them all and catalogs them so you can ''fast forward to the good parts.'' Visit MrSkin.com to find your favorite actress.
Howard had some clips of this one female tennis player who grunts so loud during her game that they actually took points away from her. Howard played those clips and said there shouldn't be any grunting in a game like that. He doesn't hear wrestlers or fighters grunting like that when they're working hard.
Howard took some phone calls and talked about a few things with the callers. He got some complaints about the news scrolls that E! is still running during his shows. Howard complained about those for a short time like he has done many times in the past. One caller asked Howard for some advice on raising kids. He told Howard he proposed to his girl one day and about a month later he found out she was pregnant. Howard gave him some advice about raising kids and stuff like that but ended up telling him they'd end up screwed up anyway and his marriage would probably fail. The guy is a truck driver so Howard told him when he gets married, she'll start sitting around the house doing nothing and when the marriage fails, she'll own everything. They talked about how often marriages fail and how tough it is to keep a relationship going for a long time. Howard told the guy he'll get bored with the woman in 10 years or so and he'll want to move on. Howard told the guy to not even get married. The guy said it's set for a week from Saturday. He spent $4000 on a ring for her. Howard felt bad for him so he ended up giving him $500 cash courtesy of the DVD release of Wes Craven's ''They.''
Howard said that Darrell Hammond was coming in later so he and Artie ended up talking about all of the great impressions Hammond does on Saturday Night Live. That led to them talking about the President Clinton impression he does and then talking about the real President Clinton and how he wouldn't have done as good a job as President Bush has done since 9/11.
Howard took a few more phone calls but ended up hanging up on a couple of people who weren't making any sense. One guy was asking Howard why he puts down marriage so much these days. Howard said it's because these young kids go out and get married and don't realize what they're getting into. The guy wouldn't stop with the marriage thing and kept talking to Howard about how great it was when his wife would come on and stuff like that. Howard said he just had to get off the phone with him though. He just wouldn't stop. After that he took a commercial break.
Howard heard that Darrell Hammond had to make a tape for Katie Couric where he showed her how Jay Leno does every monolog. The tape never made it to air so Darrell did his great Leno impression and described how the monolog goes. His impression is right on and he had the pattern for the monolog down just right.
Howard wondered if people ask him how much longer he's going to be on Saturday Night Live. He said it's kind of weird because it's like he's on a retainer working there. He said they don't do that much political humor these days so they don't need him there every day. He goes in when they ask him to go. He said that he likes working there and likes the money they pay him.
Howard asked Darrell about this Tommy Hillfiger event he did where he had to follow a Holocaust survivor who had made a speech. He said luckily the audience responded to the jokes pretty well.
Howard asked Darrell who's even on Saturday Night Live these days. He mentioned Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fay. Howard also brought up Chris Kattan and Darrell said that he thinks he's leaving this year.
Darrell was doing his impression of Regis Philbin and also told Howard that Kathie Lee Gifford was kind of rough on him when he'd do his impressions on the show when she was on. He said she would say that he needed to do a little work on the impressions. Howard told him he should have turned to her and told her that she had no talent and can't do any impressions or anything like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was doing an impression of Jay Leno's sidekick Kevin Eubanks. Darrell did some more of his Leno impression but Howard had hung up on the caller by then.
Howard got back to their discussion about the VH-1 Best Song of the Past 25 Years. He played a clip of a guy describing why it was the best one. Howard listened to the clip and said it was a ridiculous explanation.
Darrell did an impression of Al Sharpton for Howard that was pretty good. He also did his Jesse Jackson impression. Howard said he should do some voice over work or something because his impressions are great. Howard said he should do some voices for his new cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' that's going to be on TNN (Soon to be the SPIKE network). Howard said his voice is tough to do and wondered why people can't do it. Darrell said that he's heard a couple of guys, including Jimmy Fallon, who actually do it pretty well. Howard said Elon Gold can do it pretty good as well. Howard had to take a break after that discussion. Darrell hung around so he could sit in during Robin's news.
Howard said they have a bunch of people stopping by the show today. He said he was up extra early this morning and wasn't able to fall asleep. He said he was up at 2:30 in the morning or so. He got a phone call early in the morning but it turned out to be a wrong number. He said he felt like he was on speed being all bug eyed.
Howard asked Robin about her new wardrobe. She's gotten a bunch of new clothing since she lost her weight. Howard was also talking about the Diesel shirt he was wearing during yesterday's show. He said it was a form fitting shirt that was actually an XXL. Robin didn't think it was that large though. Artie said he wouldn't have been able to fit that shirt over his arm. That led to Howard talking about how he has to starve himself to lose weight. He said he was starving last night and had to have a little bowl of shredded wheat cereal. He said he had that with soy milk and a banana. Howard said he's starving himself while Artie is eating a whole pizza in one sitting. Robin brought up how she went to lunch with him one time and he finished off a half a chicken like it was nothing. She said the bones were clean and after he ate that he ran off to the Mr. Softee ice cream guy and had some ice cream. He had a bagel as well as two glasses of Coke. That led to Robin talking about her diet for a short time. Howard was also saying that he'd love to have that Mr. Softee ice cream but he just can't eat that stuff. They spent a short time on that before Howard had to take his first break.
Robin said she saw Mike Wallace from ''60 Minutes'' when she went to this play recently. She said they must do some make up work on him for that show because he doesn't look as good in person as he does on TV. She also said he walks like the 80 year old that he is.
Howard moved on to talk about working at WNBC and how he hated working ''on display'' in his studio where they had glass windows for people to look in during tours. Howard said he gained a lot of weight while he was working there because he was so frustrated. Artie said he used to listen to the show back then and it was great to hear him ''bucking the system.'' Howard said he still tries to buck the system but it's so tough there at his station.
This guy Rick called in and claimed that he had a missing page from Hilary Clinton's new book that was dropped before it was published. Howard said it was no joke and the guy was going to give them some stuff. Rick read an excerpt from the page he had and Hilary basically wondered if her coldness was the reason for her husband's indiscretion. She also writes that she found one of Monica's dresses and dressed up like Monica Lewinsky and pretended to be one of his interns. Howard said the excerpt was funny but he didn't believe that Hilary wrote it. Howard said he doesn't believe the guy at all. Rick was claiming that it was included in the book. Robin and Howard wanted to know why she didn't want that stuff in the book. The guy claims that he worked for the publisher at the time and snuck out copies of the pages. Howard tried to catch the guy in his lies. He asked him where it was he worked at and he wasn't able to tell Howard the address. All he knew was the general area of ''Midtown Manhattan.''
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was lying and he sounded like a fudgepacker. Rick said he is a fudgepacker on the weekends sometimes but he's not a liar. Howard said he has no way of checking to find out if the guy is lying or not. Howard said it would be a big story if it's true. He let a couple of other callers through to ask the guy some questions. One guy seemed to think that Rick was just talking about his own fantasies about banging President Clinton.
Howard said he still didn't believe this guy and wondered how he could prove the guy was lying. Other callers told Howard that they never let people like that get so close to someone who is writing a book. Rick said that he had to sign all kinds of stuff before getting into the ''inner circle'' but Howard pointed out that it didn't really work. Howard let Rick talk about what he wanted to but said he still didn't believe the guy. He told him to get him a copy of his pay stub from when he was working at the book publishing company. The guy said he'd also have more stuff to read to Howard as soon as he got it. Howard mumbled something about ''yeah, as soon as you write it...'' but Rick didn't hear him say that. Rick told Howard that he has to consult with his lawyer about faxing over his pay stub. He said it would have the temp agency name on it but it would say that he was working for Simon and Shuster. Howard goofed on Rick a little bit about being gay but then wrapped up the call and told him to call back on Monday with more.
Howard took a vote in the studio and asked if anyone believed what he was saying. Fred said he wants to believe it but he just can't. Artie said there's a chance he's telling the truth but he doesn't believe it. Howard said they might have to give him a lie detector test. Howard and Robin both said they don't believe the guy had real pages from her book.
Howard changed subjects and said he was on TheOnion.com where they make up phony news stories. Howard said one story claimed that General Tommy Franks dropped out of the armed forces to do solo bombing runs. Howard mentioned another story about a Jazz Anthology 5 CD set never having been opened.
Howard brought up how Spike Lee is trying to stop TNN from renaming their network ''Spike TV'' because he thinks they're naming it after him. Howard and the guys talked about how ridiculous that is and how TNN has to fight it. Howard said it's ridiculous.
The guys wanted to hear the tape that he was talking about yesterday where Gary talks about Howard's acting. Chaunce played that as well and Gary didn't say anything about Howard's acting at all. Gary said something about Howard being offered the part of Lincoln but he didn't say anything about his acting abilities. Chaunce was saying that Gary asked him to take this out of the written interview he did back then but Gary didn't remember that and he couldn't imagine that he would have done that because he didn't say anything bad. Chaunce was trying to cover himself but it wasn't making any sense to Gary or Howard. Chaunce asked Gary to swear on his kids that he didn't call him to ask him to remove those quotes. Gary swore in his kids and said he never called him to do that.
Gary said that Chaunce really isn't a writer either. He said he might be a good interviewer but he makes so many spelling and grammer mistakes that there's no way he's able to write what he writes for the magazine he writes for. He said he might be able to put all of that stuff together but he can't be the one writing it. He said Chaunce is good for two mistakes per paragraph when he writes to him.
Howard told Chaunce he knew that when he finally played the tape there would be nothing there. Gary and John continued to talk about how strange Chaunce is with them like that. Howard had also brought up how Chaunce was talking about the new Penthouse club the other day and how great it was even though Scores has been so good to him over the years. Howard didn't seem to understand that either. Howard had to wrap up the conversation. Chaunce sounded pretty beat up after the call but Gary wasn't done. He said ''Good bye hair plugs!'' as Howard hung up the phone on him.
Howard said that Carnie really didn't have to work that hard to lose all of this weight because she had her stomach stapled. Carnie said that he has no idea how hard she has worked to keep the weight off though.
Howard asked Carnie if her Playboy pictures were air brushed. She said of course they were. Howard asked her why she would let them air brush her if this is her way of showing women what she's done to her body. She said they just took out a scar from her breast surgery. Howard said she's not a Playmate so they shouldn't air brush that stuff and should show women what she's be able to do with her surgeries. Howard said her face is very nice though. He said he knows a lot of people want to see these pictures though.
Howard said that Playgirl asked him to do a layout for them but he turned them down. He said they didn't offer him enough money. Carnie said she didn't believe him but Robin backed up what he said. Howard then went on to tell Carnie how hard he actually works to lose weight. He has to run and work out, not get his stomach stapled. Carnie said that she would like to lose another 15 pounds or so but she's not striving for perfection. She's come so far since the surgery. Howard told her that she should weigh 110 pounds and she's around 150 right now. She threatened to leave after that comment. Howard told her she still has 2 chins but she said it was just skin, not a double chin. Howard told her that Playboy isn't for ''heavy set'' women but Carnie said she's not heavy set. She said she's an ''average size'' woman.
Howard had this woman from Bally Total Fitness who was going to measure Carnie's body fat. Carnie told her to leave as soon as she came in because she wasn't going to do it. Howard said he'd do it though. It was only going to take about 5 seconds. Howard asked Cynthia from Bally to look at Carnie and tell her if she thinks she's overweight. Cynthia said that she was a big fan of Carnie and she looks great... but she is a little over weight for a woman 5'4'' tall. Howard told Carnie that he's 6'5'' tall and weighs about 200 pounds. He believes that he should weigh about 180 pounds so he's got to lose 20 pounds.
Howard had his body fat checked by Cynthia and it came out to be 26.5. KC's was 22. Gary said he ran those numbers through a web site and it said that about 82 percent of the country is has more body fat than he does.
Howard talked about Carnie's book a little bit and asked Carnie about her boobs. She said that she had them lifted and also had implants put in. She said they're the most natural looking boobs he'll ever see. Carnie actually let Howard feel her up. She went over to him and let him feel them. After that Artie said he had his body fat checked and his number was 38.7. Carnie told him that was a little high. Cynthia said that her body fat is 11 percent. She said she competes in fitness competitions and has to be around 8 percent when she does that.
Howard let Cynthia go and got back to Carnie's book. He mentioned how she wrote about her last appearance on the show and how she got upset about the stuff Howard was saying about her. Howard said that when he saw her husband, a thin guy, with a fat chick, he thought there was something strange going on there. He said that he felt that he was a chubby chaser or a fetish guy or something. That upset her back then and she wrote about it. He asked her if he'd be willing to take a lie detector test about that. She said he was there with her today so he would do it. Howard said they weren't set up to do it though.
Gary said he heard that Carnie was really nervous about coming on the show today. He heard that she was up really early this morning and her manager was giving her a pep talk as she was coming in this morning. Howard ended up asking Carnie if she'd ever date a 300 pound man. She never got her answer out because Howard said there's no way she ever would. Artie couldn't get over this comment she'd made earlier about how her butt hole had moved after her tummy tuck surgery. He kept referring to it during the interview and said he wishes his would move as well.
Howard played a little bit of Carnie's new song (For the First Time) that comes out in September and asked her about her family while that was playing. Howard also said she's one of the judges on ''Fame'' the TV series. Howard then wrapped up the segment and gave her some plugs for the Playboy thing. He said he still thinks that she should have lose another 20 or 30 pounds before doing it though. Howard also asked her about some of the food she's been eating lately. She's still eating fatty foods though so Howard gave her some advice about that. Artie still couldn't get over the butt hole moving thing.
Howard took another call for Carnie from a woman who said that the stomach stapling thing is hard work. Howard said it is not hard work except for the doctor who does the surgery. Gary came in and said that Jason in the back office has a relative who had the surgery done and it's not hard work. Howard and Carnie continued to argue about that for a couple more minutes. Howard said he's an expert at weight loss because he's been dieting and losing weight for years.
Shuli the comedian called in and told Carnie that she looks good... for a middle line backer. Carnie didn't think that was very funny so Howard got Shuli off the phone. He then asked Carnie to lose a few more pounds. He suggested that she get down to about 120 pounds. Robin asked her if she's planning on having kids. Carnie said she is so Howard gave her an ''Oy vey!'' and told her not to do that. It would ruin everything. He then tried to wrap up the interview again and plugged the Playboy magazine again. He gave her a plug for her book, her new album and ''Fame.'' Carnie also said Wilson Philips is getting back together and they'll be around next year. Artie asked her to sing a Wilson Philips song that he liked. He started to sing a Prince song so Carnie told him he was nuts and was off in another world. Howard finally went to break after that.
They ended up talking about Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart's relationship. Howard said that's a weird relationship right there. He was reading some article about the two of them and wondered if it's like making love to a box of rakes when Ford bangs the very skinny Flockhart. Howard talked about how horrible Harrison Ford's personality is and how he seems depressed all the time. He said it might have something to do with Star Wars because Carrie Fisher is manic depressive as well.
Howard said the Enquirer had a picture of Britney Spears picking lint out of her belly button and he loves that. He also read that Ashton Kutcher has already started cheating on Demi Moore after just a month. Howard said he's not surprised by that. He's a good looking 25 year old kid and Howard thinks he's working it for all he's worth. Howard said he wants to get that kid back on the show to talk to him about all of these chicks he's banging.
Howard whipped through a bunch of tabloid stories and came across a picture of Jerry Lewis' giant head. He said it's bigger than ever and very disturbing looking.
Howard read a story about the Ronald McDonald that appears in the TV commercials. He apparently makes about $300,000 a year from those commercials. Howard said the local Ronald McDonald's can make $100,000 a year for doing about 400 appearances. There are some that only make about $40,000 a year though.
Howard brought up their Scores party from last week and how this virgin Jamie they brought with them has started going nuts. He's claiming that they opened up a new portal into his mind and it blew his mind how great it was there. Howard said he'd give him some money to go back on his own. Gary said he heard that Jamie has asked Anne Marie when they're going to be doing another party. Jamie said that he had a ton of lap dances while he was there but all he could think about was this one chick Leah. Howard said the chicks all make you feel good looking and that's why the place is so great. Howard told him they'll eventually go back there though. Howard asked him if he's been ''whacking it'' a lot lately. He said he hasn't been doing it that much. Howard asked him if he's been flirting with any of the interns they have. He said he hasn't been looking at them that much. Howard told him he's never going to get laid if he doesn't start making some moves. Gary said there's really no action happening back there so far this semester. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Jamie has the hots for Scott the Engineer's intern Erica. He said he's constantly going in there. She wasn't in today but she'd be back on Monday.
Howard said he and Ronnie went out car shopping yesterday. He said he really liked the Audi A8 that he looked at. He also likes some Cadillacs. Howard said he likes the tracking systems they have in these cars. He said the Audio also has a screen that pops out of the middle of the dash with the push of a button. He said the whole console looks like an airplane. He said the car fit him pretty well too. He said he'd like to get a dark grey vehicle with a dark interior. He said he doesn't want to do the truck thing like everyone is doing these days. Gary said he and John need trucks because of the kids and their friends that they have to drive around.
Howard asked Spencer about what her father thinks about her doing the show. She said he wasn't upset about it and gave her some advice. She said he told her if she didn't have anything nice to say, she shouldn't say anything. She also said that her father told her not to make fun of people's illnesses which was referring to Howard goofing on Camille's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Howard wondered if camille walks around farting all the time. Spencer said she didn't but she was sick all the time and doesn't eat certain types of food. Spencer said Camille spends a lot of time in bed.
Spencer said she wasn't allowed to have friends over very often because he's been sued by people in the past. She said her father felt that she was using him or something so it wasn't that great. She also said that Camille used to call her names and told her that she was using her father for his money and stuff like that. She eventually left the house after hearing her father and Camille arguing about her. Howard said Camille probably felt threatened by Spencer because she is Kelsey's daughter and she'll always be his daughter. If Kelsey and Camille ever get divorced, Spencer will still be his daughter and he might throw some money her way.
Spencer said she actually does have a million dollar trust fund but she doesn't have access to it at this point. She said she hopes to be making her own money by the time she does have access to it. Howard got back to Camille's IBS again and talked about that for a short time. Fred was playing fart sound effects in the background as they were talking about it. Spencer told Howard that Camille and Kelsey just had a baby but it was done via surrogate mother. She said she thinks that Camille didn't carry the baby herself because she has IBS. She thinks it has something to do with the foods she can't eat and stuff like that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said it's sad that Spencer has to go through this with her father. Robin was also wondering if Camille is going to treat her own child like she treats Spencer. She wondered if she's going to yell at Kelsey about how she hates her own child like she did with Spencer.
Howard told Spencer that she's cute and wondered if she has done anything with other chicks. She said she was ''experimental'' in high school but that was about all she said. Howard asked her if she ever got it on with Camille. She hasn't so Artie asked her if Camille ever lit any of her farts on fire for her. She laughed and said she never did that.
Howard said Spencer is appearing in the play ''Birdy's Bachelorette Party'' and she's playing the part of Birdy. She'll be appearing in the play at the Culture Club each Saturday night for 5 weeks. You can find out more at BirdysBP.com.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Spencer about her father and how tough that has been. She said she'd like him to be a bit more supportive in her life but it's not that big of a deal. She said he's still concerned with what she's doing in her life but he doesn't make an effort to fly in to see her in this play or anything like that. Howard took a couple of phone calls for Spencer and started to wrap up the segment. They ended up talking about Spencer seeing Camille naked. She's also seen her father naked. She said she thinks he's fairly well endowed. Howard wrapped it up after that and told Spencer that he'd be her father if Kelsey doesn't want to be there for her.
Howard took a call from some guy claiming to be his conscience. The guy went off on Howard about the stuff he advertises on the show and how he's always suggesting this stuff to his guests.
Howard spent a short time talking about Spencer Grammer and the interview he just did.
Howard had Yucko the Clown come in a short time later. Robin said it's funny to see Yucko out there smoking a cigarette. Howard described some of the wacky things Yucko does that can be seen on the new Damn Show DVD that's out now. You can find out more about that at DamnShow.com. Gary was going to bring in Yucko's girlfriend but Howard wanted to get the Gossip Game out of the way first. Howard had a little trouble with Mike's call but eventually got it working. Howard spoke to Mike for a minute. Robin asked Mike if he heard the interview with Spencer. Mike missed it so he asked what happened. Howard gave him a couple of details but not the whole story.
Yucko ended up bringing up the Ronald McDonald story that Howard was talking about earlier. Yucko said he can't believe those guys make that much money. Yucko said he's lucky if he makes three thousand a year. Howard said he's not surprised because he's a racist clown that was wearing a Swastika head band today.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker's Gossip Game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard had Robin start her news. Howard gave Yucko a plug for his appearance at Carolines on Broadway tonight for the Nasty Show with KC. During the news a guy called in and claimed that he had sex with his wife and her future bridesmaid. Howard started to ask him some questions but the guy got sidetracked so Howard hung up on him.
As Howard was wrapping up the show he said that he never brought in Yucko's girlfriend Susie. KC came in and said she was sleeping out in the green room. Howard had him wake her up and bring her in. She came in a short time later and said she was really hung over after drinking the night before. She told Howard that she isn't dating ''Yucko.'' Gary had to tell Howard that she's dating ''Roger'' the guy behind the make up. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the two of them about their relationship. Yucko said she showed up to one of the Damn Show live appearances and one thing led to another and they hooked up. He said he's been dating her for about 6 months now. Howard spoke to Susie and Yucko for just a short time and then ended the show.