|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show talking about how Artie's mom takes care of him. He said that she's already calling JD to let him know what to get Artie for Christmas since he got him in the Secret Santa thing. Artie said he told his mother that he hopes she told him some stuff that's around 3 bucks because that's all JD can afford.
Howard said they have a busy schedule today. They have William Shatner, Denny Somach and Akon coming in today. Howard said they have Denny coming in to talk about where John Lennon is buried because apparently people don't know where that is.
Howard said he's been busy working on the show over the weekend. He said that's what he does on his Friday's off. Artie laughed at that.
Howard said that Claus Von Bulow is upset that his wife is dead now. She was in a coma for over 30 years. Howard said there are a few people there who are in a coma as well. Fred said that didn't take long and pointed out that Howard has insulted him just a few seconds into the show. Howard said he didn't know Fred was awake. Howard said maybe Claus could have woken up his wife if he had insulted her.
Howard asked if it's legal to have sex with your wife when she's in a coma. Robin said you must have some rights as a husband. Howard said he'd be having sex with Beth if she was in a coma. He said that he's going to do that as long as she's not decomposing.
Howard read an article about Claus Von Bulow and what's going on with him. Howard said they claim that his tears were faked and he had some audio of that. Howard looked for that clip and found some OJ Simpson stuff instead. JD came in and told Howard that it was actually a clip of OJ's lawyer trying to get OJ less time by talking about the Civil War. Howard played that and only got through about 30 seconds when he asked if it was going anywhere. JD said that he eventually gets to a point where they ask for the judge to give him mercy.
Howard said he was reading the paper and there was an article about bosses who are successful even when they don't listen to their employees. Howard read through that and said that he could have been in that study himself. The article said that many bosses are like that.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer was on the Wrap Up Show complaining that he's not buying them gifts there. Howard said that he isn't Scott's employer so he doesn't have to buy anyone anything. Howard said they asked Scott if he was buying his interns gifts and Scott said that he doesn't do that because he's not their boss. Howard welcomed Scott to the club. Scott came in and said that the interns work for the company and not for him. Howard said that's the same for him. He said that he works for the company and he's not Scott's boss.
Scott said he's fine with him not getting him a gift. Howard said that Scott should buy him a gift to show him how much he appreciates him. Howard said he's going to get Scott a wig for Christmas and make him wear it for a month.
Howard got back to the OJ Simpson stuff and talked more about his sentencing. Artie said that he thinks he might know where that lawyer was going with the Civil War thing. He asked if he was right but Robin didn't think that's what the guy was going for.
Howard said that Bubba was apparently saying that he's out of there if they don't come through and offered some kind of deal. Howard said Scott claims they have made a deal but Bubba is saying they haven't.
Howard said he got a list of good comments about himself because of the Bubba stuff going on. Tim actually calls the listeners who call in and complain about them not working with them. Howard said he's involved in this stuff and he's trying to keep Bubba there. Howard said that he'll just cancel the channel if Bubba leaves. Howard said that they don't want to cancel them there though because they are paying for both. Howard said he hopes that they'll work out a deal there because he really wants Bubba to stay.
Robin said Bubba likes to bring that stuff to the air. Howard said he got hit in the face with it because of what the fans were saying about Bubba being better than him now. Howard said that they don't have to burst his bubble. Howard said that's like telling your father he's going senile.
Howard said he heard that they didn't replay Bubba's show on Friday. Artie said he called into that show because he was listening and wanted to tell him that he likes to listen to the show. Artie said that Bubba was getting into a lot of stuff and letting the cat out of the bag about a lot of things. He said that Bubba was saying that he got sued over something back in 2006 after she was on his show. Howard said that he's not in on all of that.
Artie said that Bubba claimed that the company was holding back like 10,000 a month to pay for the lawyers in the whole case. Artie said Bubba was on a crazy rant that day and they may have taken the replay off to protect him. He said it was fantastic radio though. Artie said he was just calling in to tell Bubba that they're all supporting him.
Howard said he does like Bubba and he'd like to keep him there. He said when they started the company there he knew they had a limited budget. He told the guys that Bubba was real good but he wasn't able to get any work. Howard said that they were able to hire him at a decent rate because of that. Now he's back on his feet and doing better so he's looking for more money. Howard said they have a budget but if they can't afford Bubba, then who can they afford? Howard said he doesn't want any scrubs working there and he's not sure what's going to happen there.
Artie said that he thinks that Bubba and Ferrall really fit in well there at the Howard stations. Howard said that he had the two of them on a list of people he wanted to work there and things ended up working out. They've proven themselves there and they want to be paid well for that. Howard said they'll have to see what happens.
Howard said all he knows about Bubba is what he heard through the e-mail on Friday. He said he got about 10 million e-mails about the show. Fred said he wasn't exaggerating much there either. There was a lot of stuff from the fans.
Howard read an article about the People Meter that found that WCBS FM is getting good ratings with the new People Meter. He said that WAXQ and WPLJ and WKTU in New York City are all getting good ratings with the People Meter. Howard read about the ratings that they're getting and said that they used to clobber all of the stations, even the news station.
Howard said the ethnic stations are complaining that they're not getting the big ratings anymore. Howard said they are trying to add more Hispanics to the mix so they get those stations to show up in the ratings.
Howard read about the top rated shows and how Imus is getting a 3.7 now. Robin sounded shocked by that number. Howard said that K-Rock wasn't in that top list. Howard said that it's a bad economy so maybe they can blame that on their low ratings.
Howard said he thinks that the people meter would benefit them. Robin said she bets it would too. That People Meter doesn't lie like people can do with the paper diary. Howard said that Elvis Duran at Z-100 is the number one morning guy. K-Rock has a 1.9 rating for the day. Fred threw in the ''Zero point zero'' audio clip as they were talking about that. Howard said there might be a 1 point plus or minus in there so they could be very close to a zero rating at K-Rock.
Robin said she's heard about all of the heads that roll over there. Howard said that Scott should be happy that he's not still back there because his head would probably be rolling.
Howard played more of the audio and the guys all goofed on OJ about that case and the killings as well. OJ was saying that he was just there to try and collect some old stuff of his that he heard was there in Vegas. OJ said that he was there to catch people who were stealing from his family. That led to Howard talking about the ''OJ Speak'' that he does when he's talking to people. They were making up stuff that he could say to this judge to try and get out of the long sentencing.
OJ said that he was just trying to get back his own stuff and he wasn't there to steal anything that wasn't his. He said that he was trying to get back his daughter's mother's wedding ring and things like that. Howard, Artie and Fred were doing their OJ impressions and goofing on him about all of the stuff he was saying in the clip and making up all kinds of stuff about him.
Howard played some audio of the judge in the case telling OJ about how he could have gotten his stuff back without doing what he did. She was saying that it's still in dispute whether or not that stuff was his to take back. She also told OJ that he didn't want that stuff to fall into the hands of the Browns and how he called them ''gold diggers.'' Howard said he likes how OJ killed the Brown's son and he's going around calling them ''gold diggers.'' That's just going to get them even more pissed off. Howard said he heard they're going to continue to go after his money even though he's going to jail now.
Howard played more of the judge where she tells OJ what kind of time he's going to be getting. She read off the list of things that he was found guilty of and kept adding up more and more time. He had a kidnapping charge that was 15 years. There were a bunch of other charges that were a couple of years each but they were all running concurrently with the other charges.
Howard and the guys kept goofing on OJ about all of that while they listened. OJ wasn't going to be getting any breaks with the charges. Artie said that broad must have loved getting up that morning. Howard said that the ghost of Nicole must have been in her. Howard played more of the audio and the judge went on and on with 10 different charges. She said that he had served only 64 days of that time so far.
Robin said that one of the lawyers said that OJ was stupid during his closing statements. Howard said that twas the OJ story and people think it's wonderful that the judge threw the book at him. She didn't throw it at him as much as she could have though. OJ has to do a minimum of 5 years before he's up for parole. They're saying that there's no way he'll get out that early.
Howard asked Artie if he's got a bleeding ulcer or not. Artie said he hasn't had the whole thing done yet but he's on Prilosec to help him out. He said the pain is really bad though. He said they won't give him any pain pills though because he just can't do that.
Howard said that a lot of plays on Broadway are going out of business and when he sees the pictures of these guys like Harvey Firestein and Clay Aiken dressed up in these outfits it's not surprising to him. Robin said that the Spamalot play is really good though even though Howard might not think it is.
Howard said that there are some plays that are making millions a week. Robin said that some of them do draw in a lot of people. Howard said that Mama Mia was one of them. Artie said that he didn't think Jersey Boys had that big of an audience. He said he thought it was like 500 but Robin said it has to be more than that.
Howard said he'd like to do a play based on his show. He said it would be like the Young Frankenstein thing but with the show.
Howard said that he'd be upset that he couldn't see Harvey Firestein in a dress anymore. Artie figured there would be somewhere to see that.
Howard said that this new movie with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn was number one at the box office again this weekend. He said he heard it wasn't all that great but it's getting a lot of business. They spent a minute on that before Howard went to the phones.
Artie said that it might be good because Ashton wasn't trying to be funny in the movie. Robin said she didn't make it through 5 minutes of that movie. Howard said he tried to get through ''Serenity'' at all. He said that he didn't get that movie at all and it was really bad.
Artie said that he read that the movie ''Slum Dog Millionaire'' was getting a lot of good ratings from the reviewers. He said he's looking forward to seeing that. Artie said he saw that chick Kristin Chenoweth in that ''Four Christmases'' movie. She's a fan of Howard's show and was on the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable show. Howard said he would have had sex with her if he'd known that before he got married.
Howard said he didn't see the Barbara Walters thing yet but he does have it recorded. They talked about how Rush Limbaugh was part of the most fascinating people on that show. Howard said that Barbara has asked him to do the show but he's turned it down. He said he's not looking to share his time with other jerk offs like that. He said he told Barbara that she needs to do a show just with him because he's the most fascinating person in the world.
Howard said they should play some of the Rush Limbaugh stuff because it must be funny. The caller said that it was pretty funny. They spent a short time talking about Rush.
Howard said that he cut a deal with ABC a few years ago where he was going to do interviews like Barbara Walters. He said he was hoping to get a ton of dough like Barbara was doing. Howard said that when he asked them to make him part of the news team over there, the whole news department threatened to quit so they had to back off of the whole thing. Howard said he backed off and asked people to do interviews with him and everyone turned him down. Howard said he asked Letterman to do it and Letterman wanted to know who else was going to do it. Howard said it was only Dave that he had so far and Dave didn't want to do it when no one else was lined up to do it.
Howard said that he wouldn't be able to ask Letterman anything good if he had to beg him to come on the show. He said he had to back out of the ABC deal because no one was willing to do the interviews. He said he'd have to kiss Dave's ass if he did the show and he just can't do an interview like that.
Robin said that she saw Heather Locklear on The Tonight Show and Jay didn't ask her any questions about what's been going on with her lately. That's the way things work with those guys and they don't get into the good stuff in those interviews.
Howard joked that he would have had David Letterman and Ass Napkin Ed on the interview show. Artie said that he and Ass Napkin Ed have been talking almost every day lately. Artie said they ended up talking about their favorite Flintstones episodes the other day for a half hour.
Artie told a story about when he and Norm MacDonald were doing the Norm Show at ABC and ABC asked Norm to find people to do a cold open for the show. They wanted him to call any of his famous friends to do the show and they wanted him to get Howard to do it. They wanted him to get Eddie Murphy to do it since Norm knew him. He said that Norm knew that he wasn't going to do it and he told them not to even send him the script to him after Eddie agreed to at least read it. The guys spent a minute talking about that before Howard had to go to break.
Howard said he had Denny Somach on the phone and he wasn't sure how to describe him. He got him on the phone and asked him what he does for a living. Denny said he produces syndicated radio shows. He told Howard they just did one about Les Paul with some famous guys like Joe Perry from Aerosmith and people like that. Howard said that Denny was the one who talked about the bands that have ripped off other bands.
Howard asked Denny if he's heard about Coldplay being sued by Joe Satriani. Denny said he hadn't heard that. Howard played some of Coldplay's hit song ''Viva La Vida'' and then some of a Joe Satriani song that sounded very much like the same song. Howard played the two mixed together and it was almost an exact match.
Denny said it sounds like other people have been looking for songs that other bands have ripped off. Robin asked if that can be brought to court. Denny said that it can but there's no telling what the outcome would be. Denny thinks that one might be settled before it even gets to court. Howard said that he thinks that it's hard to sue anyone these days so it might not be that simple.
Howard said he was thinking about Ron Goldman being killed and how they keep putting the same shitty photo of him in the paper where he looks like a member of Winger. Howard said that his family should put out a picture of him without a bandana on. Howard said he as a good looking guy and he deserves better than that.
Howard said Denny was calling in to talk about where John Lennon is buried because no one really seemed to know. Denny said that when you ask you'll get 3 different answers like Strawberry Fields, Liverpool or that he was cremated. Denny said there is no definitive answer to that. Denny said that people will give different answers all the time. He said there's a guy who has a book out called ''Where Are They Buried? How Did They Die? Fitting Ends and Final Resting Places of the Famous, Infamous, and Noteworthy'' and he claims that he was cremated and Yoko spread his ashes around. She once said that he was buried in an interview though and she may have let that slip accidentally. That's why all of this came up.
Denny said he found out about another book that was out where the author wrote about John and even that guy didn't know. Denny said that the guy's book ends on the day Lennon was shot so he didn't follow through on that stuff. There was another book called ''Lennon Revealed'' and that guy didn't know about it either. Then that guy went out and asked Yoko about where he's buried and he wasn't able to find anything.
Denny said that he can't find a definitive answer to the question. Howard asked Denny about a story he heard where Denny and Scott Muni went up to visit Yoko and saw a large box in her apartment that Muni thought might contain the mummified body of John Lennon. Denny said that was his theory back then.
Denny said that he just can't nail down the story so this is another one of those cold cases out there. He said he's hoping that the audience is going to call in with some information and maybe offer a reward for the true answer. Denny said that even May Pang doesn't know where he's buried.
Howard said he had someone claiming to be Yoko on the phone. It was a guy who claimed the ashes of John are in her pussy.
Howard said you can find out more about Denny, this Lennon story and more, at ClassicRockArchives.com. He let him go a short time later. Howard said he had to take another quick break there before bringing in William Shatner. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in William Shatner after that. Bill said that he heard Robin saying that he wasn't that great before he came in and he was really upset about that. She was also suggesting that he do that ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here'' show earlier. Shatner said he can't imagine what he would do if he was involved with that. Howard said he'd yell at his agent if he ended up on that show.
Shatner was saying that he invested in SIRIUS stock when Howard started out and he's kind of upset about that no that the stock is selling for pennies. He said that everyone who has invested in the stock market isn't doing well at this point.
Howard said he read that Bill wasn't doing that well for a while after Star Trek aired for 3 years. He didn't have a lot of money after that so he did the Star Trek conventions. Then he did the Star Trek Movies and the TV show TJ Hooker. Shatner said that he got divorced too and he lost money there. Howard said he figures he's worth some big money but Bill said that he really doesn't have a lot.
Howard said that Bill must have made a lot on ''Boston Legal.'' Bill said that he's worthless. He said he agrees with Robin that he's worthless now.
Howard said that he heard JJ Abrams offered Bill a cameo in the new Star Trek movie. Bill said he knows he claims that. He's not sure that he did though. Howard said that JJ was good to his kids and let them go to the set of Felicity when he was doing that show.
Howard asked Bill about Leonard Nimoy having a major role in the new Star Trek movie. Bill said it doesn't bother him at all. He said that Leonard won't tell him what he does in the movie because it's some big secret. He said that he went to dinner with him just the other day and he won't tell him a thing about it.
Howard asked Bill about going to dinner with Leonard and how awkward it is when he's not part of Star Trek with him. Bill said it's not that awkward because he's not the same person he was back when he was doing the Star Trek thing. He's an old fellow now. He said that he's not thin like Leonard is.
Howard said that Bill does appear to be a little heftier than he has been in the past. Bill said he's been fighting the aging thing. He said he looks in the mirror and wonders who that is. Howard said he was known for his beauty back when he was younger. He said that you have to be a good looking leading man to make it in this business. Howard said he was gorgeous and he was some hunk. Bill said he looks back and said he fell in love with that man.
Bill said that he looks in that mirror and sees the wrinkles and says that there aren't that many. Fred played some sad piano music as he was talking about that. Howard asked if he's had any surgery done. Bill claims he hasn't.
Howard asked Bill if he can still get it up. Bill said that's the engine of his youthful appearance. He said he has no problem doing that. Howard told Robin to play with that boner he has.
Howard told Bill that he's a handsome man. He said he's put together a show called ''Raw Nerve'' that's going to be airing on Tuesday nights on A&E. Howard said that Bill is doing an edgy interview show now and that's what that's all about.
Bill said that Howard does edgy shows. Bill said that he's going to be interviewing people like Tim Allen, Drew Carrey, Judge Judy, Valerie Bertinelli and others. Howard said some of those people seem like they'd be interesting interviews. Bill said that Valerie was lovely. He said that he shot 13 episodes and he's hoping to get another 13 or 22 once these start airing. The show is getting wonderful reviews according to Bill.
Howard told Bill he'd have to say no to him if he was going to ask. Bill said that's the problem. He hadn't even asked yet and Howard was saying no already.
Bill talked about his interview with Jenna Jameson and how great that was. Howard said that it would have been great if she had gone down on him during the interview. That led to Fred playing some porn clips in the background.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he met Bill at a strip club about a year and a half ago. Bill said he's never been to a strip club. He denied ever going and said that this call is the reason why he'd never go to one. The caller said that Bill claimed that it wasn't him and he just looked like William Shatner.
Howard asked what happened to ''Boston Legal.'' Bill aid that the final episode is on tonight. He said that they were going to cancel the show and not air it anymore but they agreed to do 13 episodes. They shot 13 episodes and wrapped up all of the story lines. He said he is sad that it's going off the air but he's finally going to be free after 5 years of doing it. Bill said that passing the craft services table was really tough and that was one of the great things working there.
Howard asked Bill about George Takei. Bill asked what he does on the show. Howard told him he sits in there every day for a week at a time. He said that he was in there stroking a guy's penis not too long ago. Bill asked if it was one hand or two. Howard said it was two.
Howard said he had a clip of Bill talking about George Takei not inviting him to his wedding and how there is some kind of sickness there that makes him speak badly about him. Bill said he really doesn't know Takei very well and he doesn't understand this hate for him. Shatner said that George hid his homosexuality for many years and must have felt badly about himself for all of these years. He finally came out of the closet at the age of 70 or so. Bill said it was like ''who cares?'' when he heard that. Bill said that you'd think that George would have an epiphany and realize they don't have many years left and maybe wish him well instead of making a big deal about not inviting him to his wedding.
After playing the clip Howard asked Bill if he was really invited to the wedding or not. Bill said that it would be nice that when he leaves this life that he not have anyone hating him like this. He wondered what he did to George. Howard said George claims that they took some close ups from him and demoted him among other things. Bill said that he didn't know why George was so happy about being the captain of his own ship in the Star Trek movies because they were just writing stories and he wouldn't be on the set of the main action if they did that.
Bill said that George is off doing that ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'' thing right now so he knows he's not listening. Howard played another clip where they played the earlier clip of Bill talking about George and had George responding to it. George said he doesn't know why Bill rants and raves the way he does and doesn't know what prompts it. George also claimed that he did invite Bill to the wedding. He said that he's never responded to an invitation from anyone on Star Trek.
Bill said that he did respond to invitations from people like Leonard Nimoy and Deforest Kelly, just not anyone else.
Howard played more of George's comments about Shatner and how he's never responded to any of what they've asked.
Howard said that he thinks that Bill would be willing to interview George. Bill said that George did agree to do an interview on his show but then he ran off to do that other show. Now he has to wait for his show to be renewed before he can do that interview.
Howard said that Bill is starting a whole new thing and he's being very savvy with his career. Bill said that whatever works, works and things are going fine.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved his book and thought it was laugh out loud funny. Howard said it was supposed to be a serious book. Howard said that when they shoot the interview with George Takei they should keep the cameras on him and not on George at all. Bill said that would be hysterical.
The caller asked Bill if he really wanted to go to George's wedding. Bill said he wouldn't have gone even if he had gotten the invitation. There has been too much of a disturbance in their relationship.
Howard played one of the edited audio book clips that Richard Christy edited together. It was one of these really long clips that went on and on about Bill having stuff shoved up his ass and shoving stuff up other people's asses and stuff like that. Bill told Howard that they're sick there. He got a laugh out of the whole thing though. Bill said that was funny stuff and the sickest thing he had ever heard.
Robin asked Bill if he still does the conventions. Bill said he does one or two a year. Howard said they must pay him a boat load of money for that.
Artie talked about how great the sketch was that Shatner did on SNL years ago. Bill said that show got an Emmy nomination back then.
Yucko the Clown called in and asked if he thinks that George Takei gets Klingons on his dick when he fucks guys in the ass. Then he was calling Takei some racist names and stuff that Howard didn't seem too comfortable with.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who asked Shatner if he ever smoked pot in his career. Bill said that he tried that stuff but he's pretty clean. Bill said he did like it when he tried it. He said he tried mushrooms over in Amsterdam one time and got really paranoid and stayed in his hotel room for 24 hours and went home the next day.
Howard gave Bill some more plugs for his interview show. Howard said that he really has to do some fun stuff with George when he interviews him. Howard said he will do the show if Bill wears his Star Trek outfit. Bill said he would be willing to do that and he'll have Howard interview him on that show. Howard told him he had better take it seriously when they do it. Bill said he would.
Howard said that Bill was there to say that he still gets a full erection. He also had some more of the edited audio book clips and played those. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he was reading his notes about Akon. Artie said that ''Acorn'' was there. Howard told him it's not ''Acorn,'' it's Akon. Howard said he saw video of Akon throwing a guy off the stage at some show he did. Artie said he's going to end up being ''A con'' if he keeps that up. Howard said he thinks he has been to jail so he is a con.
Howard said he was going to get him in there in a minute but he ended up talking about Caroline Kennedy. Howard said she might be the next senator for New York and he's not sure that she deserves that spot. Howard said that Ted Kennedy was pointing her out for the job and even Obama isn't backing that up.
Howard said he was watching the big three car thing where they were asking for money. Howard said the people they're asking for money are the same guys who got the country into the problem that we're in now. Howard said that it could make things even worse if they bail them out.
Howard asked what songs Akon has out. He said he's not sure what he sings. Artie started to sing one but it was T.I.'s song. Artie said his face is red now.
Howard played some of Akon's hits as they were bringing him in. Gary had told him that they were up on his computer but then someone said they weren't up. Howard played one song but it was something new and not one of his hits. Fred found one that was one of his hit songs and played that. Robin didn't recognize that one.
Howard said he had to get Akon in there because he might jump out a window if he keeps talking to Baba Booey. Akon came in a short time later. Howard thanked him for coming on the show. Akon said hello to everyone in there and asked Robin why she was in a fish tank. Robin just giggled.
Howard said he was fascinated to read about Akon's life. He said the story about his parents is almost unbelievable to him. Akon said that he liked the studio in there. Howard took credit for the whole design of the studio.
Howard said that Akon's parents are from Senegal in Africa. His dad picked out his mother when she was 2 years old to be his wife. He raised her to the age of 16 and then married her. He was 10 years older than her. Howard asked why the parents didn't raise her and why a 12 year old was raising her. Akon said that was the thing they did over there. He said that was destiny. Once she turned 16 his father married her.
Howard asked if he's ever seen a 2 year old and said that was destiny. Akon said that was kind of weird and he's never done anything like that. He said they do have arranged marriages over there in Africa so it's not that outrageous. Howard thought it was pretty wild.
Howard asked if you can have more than one wife over there. Akon said you can have as many as you can afford and his father has 3. Howard said that's wild stuff.
Howard said that Akon has 4 wives. Akon said that he calls them ''Wifies.'' He said that he grew up in the States and it was pretty tough for him. He said that he is very African and very dark so it was tough for him. Howard said he knew black guys who were dark skinned and got goofed on for being darker than the lighter skinned kids.
Howard asked if he was the darkest kid in the neighborhood. Akon said he was but now it's okay because black is in style. He said he was always in fights because of that stuff. Howard said that Robin almost looks white to him. He said that she can't be full black and there had to have been a white man in her genetics somewhere.
Howard asked Akon how he became a car thief. Akon said that his family had money but he wanted to go where the excitement was. He said his father was a musician and made a pretty good living. He said that the ghetto wasn't too far away so he would go there to have some fun. Howard said that he read Akon used to rent out his gun for $100 a day. Akon said it was something like that.
Akon said his father would beat their asses when they'd go in to take a shower or something because that was the only time he could get them with their pants down.
Howard asked about the car thefts and how that all happened. Akon said he used to get a new car to drive to school every day and this guy was telling him that he could get a Mercedes Benz for $5,000. He didn't think much of it and figured it was a legitimate deal. He was selling papers and stuff in school to make money so he was able to come up with the money.
Howard said he heard that Akon did some jail time but he wanted to know how much it was. Akon said it was a total of about 3 years. He said that the last 6 months really scared him. He said that he didn't have guys trying to have sex with him because he was in county jail. He said they were supervised pretty much all the time. Akon talked about how he used to rent people magazines and stuff and made money doing that. He said his bunk was full of all kinds of stuff that he could sell to these guys.
Howard asked Akon if his parents are still alive. He said they are and they're extremely proud of him now. Howard said that he has exceeded his father in the music business. Howard said that Jazz just doesn't pay like hip hop does. He said it's not even real music.
Howard asked about how many kids are in his family. Akon said there are 12 of them and they're very close. He said that his father's other two wives are still back in Africa. He said the kids are all there in the States though.
Howard asked if it was true that he wrote a song with Michael Jackson. Akon said they did and it was leaked on the internet. He said that he wishes that he could meet Michael. Howard told Akon he did meet him years ago. Akon said he was a ''mad cool dude.'' Howard told him about his meeting with him and how his face appeared to be melting during the meeting. He had a piece of tape on his nose and it was turning black because he kept touching it. Howard said it was weird.
Akon said that it was incredible working with Michael on that song. Howard heard that Michael insisted on wearing pajamas while he watched a movie with him. Akon said it wasn't that weird because it was in his house. Artie asked him if anything is weird to him. He said Akon is saying that having 3 wives isn't that weird and now Michael Jackson isn't weird wearing pajamas to watch a movie.
Howard asked Akon what movie they watched there at Michael's house. He said he showed him this new Imax technology they have that makes the movies 3D. He said it was incredible. Howard asked if he saw his kids there. Akon said he did. He said that he understands why Michael dresses the kids up and disguises them. He's just trying to protect them.
Akon said he has 5 kids of his own. He wanted a basketball team of his own so that's why he had 5. Now he wants a soccer team and wants more.
Howard asked Akon if he has a wife and asked if she lets him screw around. He said he just does but he knows that she's number one at the end of the day. He said he's not cheating on her though. Akon asked Howard if he ever did that to his wife. Howard said he was married for 20 years and never cheated on her. Akon said he doesn't go out looking for it, if it happens, it happens.
Howard asked Akon about his kids and his wife and if they're as dark as him. Akon said one of his kids is from a white girl so that one is mixed. Howard asked if he ever banged Tara Reid. Akon didn't seem to know who he was talking about. He said he did smack her on the ass a couple of years back. He said he didn't bang her though. Artie said that broad and some booze and everyone is fucking her.
Howard asked Akon where he's living now. He said he's down in Atlanta. He said he likes buying cars now too. He said he wouldn't appreciate it if someone stole them though.
Howard said that Akon has a new album out called ''Freedom.'' He said he was going to play some of that soon.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Artie to sing some Biggie Smalls for Akon. Artie said he was afraid to after what T.I. did last week when he used the N-word. Akon said he doesn't have a problem with it if he's just singing a song. Artie went right into the song a few seconds later and recited a Biggie Smalls song. Akon got a laugh out of that.
Akon said that was funny but Howard told him that Artie wasn't trying to be funny. Howard took another call from a guy who saw the video of Akon throwing this kid off the stage at one of his concerts. Akon said he can't talk about it because he has to go to court on that next week. Howard said that he saw that too and noticed that he took his shirt off before he threw that kid. He said he noticed that he was in good shape. Robin said a lot of rappers are in good shape. Artie said that Biggie Smalls wasn't.
Howard said he has had throw stuff at him on stage and he gets why he got so angry. Howard said he was in London one time and a guy threw a bottle and just missed his and Dee Snider's heads. Dee jumped into the audience and attacked the guy and then ran back up on stage to finish the song. He said Dee leveled the guy but he was able to continue the song just a few seconds later. Howard said he's a big pussy himself so he wouldn't do anything like that. Howard said he thinks that the judge will be very understanding of what Akon did. At least he hopes he will be.
Howard played a track off of Akon's new album. He cut it off after a short time and asked when he knew he was going to be a singer. Akon said he never knew he was going to do it as a living. He said he thought it was just going to be a hobby.
Robin asked if he was the one with the song called ''I Want To Fuck You.'' He said that was him. Howard told Fred to play a little bit of that song. Fred had it ready to go and played it for them. Howard asked if the record company told him he can't sing that. Akon said that he just wanted to sing what he was thinking and his record company didn't know he even put it out. He said they wanted him to make a clean version that was ''I Want to Love You'' instead.
Howard played another new track off of his album ''Freedom'' called ''I'm So Paid.'' Howard said he bets he could have some good sex to that song. Robin said that he must be accused of ruining society with songs like that. Akon said that he gets that all the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if it was true that he has a diamond mine over in Africa. He said that he does and it's a mine that's not one of the ''blood diamond'' type mines. Howard said that's got to be a huge business. Akon said that they send the money back there and keep it there instead of taking the money out of Africa.
A caller sang one of Akon's hit songs he did with Gwen Stefani. Robin thought that he got kicked off that tour. Akon said that he actually threw Verizon off that tour, they didn't throw him off the tour. He said that Gwen told Verizon to get lost when they demanded that he be kicked off the tour for dancing with an underage girl during a concert. Artie asked if he banged her real good for standing up for him like that. Akon laughed when he heard that.
Akon said that the club they were playing in was a 23 and older club so that girl shouldn't have been in there. Howard said he'd love to bang that Gwen Stefani. Artie said she needs implants. Howard said she wouldn't need them with him. Artie said she does have a good ass.
Another caller asked Akon about banging Whitney Houston. Akon said he never did that. Howard took a call from another guy who asked who produced that album because it sounds great. Akon said he produced it himself. The guy seemed to be impressed by that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought Akon was a bum or something. The guy was bad mouthing him but he didn't have a question for him. Howard hung up on that guy. He said that they should just get to their questions when they call in.
Another caller said the best song was ''Mr. Lonely'' so Fred looked that one up. Another caller said that he as at the Giants game yesterday and he thought Akon did a great job with the National Anthem. Akon said that wasn't him. Howard wondered what the hell was going on today.
Howard played some more of Akon's stuff and one of them had an Alvin and the Chipmunks sound to the beginning of it.
Howard asked Akon if he still rents his guns out to people if they need them. Akon doesn't do that anymore. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along to the Cheap Trick song a little bit. Howard said there isn't a Christmas party this year. He said that he had to tell Scott the Engineer to get a grip on himself because he was all upset. He said that when there isn't a party there's nowhere to go to act out inappropriately. He said that's the one time of year that people's perceptions of you change. Howard said that they should have something where they can do stuff like that. Howard said maybe they should crack open a few bottles there and do that.
Howard said he had Tom Chiusano on the phone and he wanted to congratulate Artie. Artie wasn't anywhere to be found. Artie came walking in a few seconds later.
Howard said Tom knows all about canceling Christmas parties. He had to do that one year. Tom told Artie that his wife bought him Artie's book and he read it in a day or less and enjoyed it. He said he laughed out loud when he was reading it. He said he found the stories very well done and he had no idea Artie was that messed up. Howard said he'll be reading it when they're on vacation.
Tom told Howard it's a pretty quick read. Howard said that when you go to number one on the Best Seller's list it sells even more books. Artie said it worked. He said that he has movie and TV offers for the book now. He said that Frank Sebastiano and him are writing it.
Artie said that Comedy Central wants to do a Wonder Years type of thing with the book. He said that he just wants the money.
Artie thanked Tom very much for the compliments. Tom said that he and his wife will be sharing the book. Howard asked Tom if he's still a consultant for Viacom. Tom said he's up in Stamford, Connecticut doing some stuff in an office he has there. Howard asked Tom if he hits the button on the current show just for old times sake. Tom said he does have a twitchy finger when he listens to the show now.
Howard said that K-Rock isn't doing well now that he's left. Tom said he knows and he feels bad for them over there. He said there are some very nice people over there and it's a really hard time for them. Howard asked Tom if he thinks they made a mistake letting him go. Tom said ''Of course.''
Tom said he was fine with leaving though. He said he knew it was time to go and he was very willing to go when it happened. Howard said that it's been almost 3 years since they left. Howard asked Tom if he has masturbated since then. Tom just laughed. He said he hasn't broken down in that time.
Tom said that on Saturday night he celebrated 10 years since he finished chemotherapy. Howard asked Tom why he thinks that Jesus would cure him because he gives up masturbating. Tom said that he doesn't know what he was thinking calling in to do something nice today.
Howard asked Tom what the deal was that he made with Jesus. Tom said there was no deal made. He changed the subject back to Artie's book and told him that was great. Howard thanked Tom for calling in. Artie said he made deals with God back when his father was paralyzed and he ended up living for a long time after that.
Tom got in some plugs for his doctors that helped cure him of cancer. Howard said that he knew some other people who had a about with cancer and he donates to Sloan Kettering where Tom went. Tom said he had to go make a conference call. He said he misses them. Howard let Tom go a short time later.
Artie said he has a smaller gig after that New Years Eve thing and that's sold out. He said he was hoping to take a bunch less money and do something else but he didn't want these guys to lose money. Artie said that he appreciates these guys having confidence in him but his fee was $175,000. He said that was outrageous and he figured there was no way they were going to make money on it. He said he felt really bad that they weren't selling tickets.
Artie said that he's going to do a show on January 31st at the Borgata so he hopes that the fans will enjoy that. Artie said he always has bad news.
Howard said Big Foot had some bad news but when he picked up on him he wasn't there. Jeff the Drunk was there though. Jeff said he just got a chance to watch his birthday party from last year on Howard TV. He said that he owes him a huge thank-you for saving his ass. Literally. He said that his ass is much better now that he's gone to the hospital and had it fixed. Howard said they got him to the doctor who helped him out getting that thing fixed. Howard said that was a nice call.
Howard said he wises that he wishes that none of them had written this song. He played a couple of version so of this Creaky Boards song and it did sound very similar to the Coldplay song. Robin said it's like everyone stole a really crappy song. Howard started to sing his own version about being accepting of blacks and Jews.
Artie said it sounds like the three of them are going to be arguing about who did the song shittier.
Benjy said that Lisa was in leather pants and she looked hot. Lisa said they were pleather, not real leather. She was also wearing a tight shirt and Benjy said he could see a hint of nipple in there. Lisa said she had fun at the party.
Howard said he didn't go to the party, he just hung out all weekend. Howard said that he watched that movie '''The Guardian.'' He said he's not even sure what else he did. Artie said he lost $11,000 playing poker. Howard said he's still up though. Artie said he's down now. He said he won $28,000 and then $13,000 and then $8,000. Then he lost about $8,000 and then lost another $14,000 and another $8,000 and some other losses so he's down by a bit.
Artie said he figures it's all over. He said that he's got the ulcer and he had to cancel that New Year's Eve gig. He said he was counting on that gig for the money. Artie said his ulcer was acting up during the poker game too. He said that if he can't play poker he's going to end up killing someone. Howard said that he's assuming that Artie is sober. Robin said he's not sober if he's gambling. Howard said Artie is sober.
Lisa got to her Howard 100 News preview and talked about what was going on at her cookie party. She was all worked up over something that Lisa Lampanelli said to some vegans that were at her party. She said that Lisa asked one of the women if her man lets her suck on his meat. Lisa went all crazy like it was something really outrageous. Artie asked her what show she works on. He said that she's shocked by the simplest things.
That led to Artie and Howard asking Lisa about what he would have to change for her to date Artie. Lisa said there are a lot of things that he would have to change. Artie said he had the same thing with Dana and he's not sure why these women can't just love him the way he is.
We also found out that Artie isn't going to therapy like he claimed he was. Artie said that he went to the guy like two times and that was it. Gary came in and said that he was shocked by that. He said he did believe that he wasn't in it anymore but he didn't know he only went twice. Gary asked him about his lies about going and enjoying it. Artie said that they forced him to do that.
Robin said this is the most ridiculous lie when Artie said that he was the kind of guy you can't disappoint. Robin said that he's lying about a lot of stuff. Howard said he's proud that Artie went to the guy twice. That's pretty impressive for Artie.
Gary said he likes Artie enough that he wants him to get better so this really upsets him. Howard asked if anyone thinks that Artie is cured because Jon Hein does. Artie said that he's not on any substance so maybe he is cured. Howard said that's a good therapist if he went just twice and was cured.
Jon Hein said he did believe that Artie was cured after going to this guy. Artie claims that he's only had tequila once since he got sober. He said that was back in August. Howard said that he can't imagine what the Wrap Up Show is going to be about today.
Artie said he can't believe that guys on the show are worried about him like this. Gary said he can't believe what's going on with him. He said it's not that weird that a guy cares about him. He asked Artie why he finds that so hard to believe. Artie said that they have other things to worry about.
Lisa said that Artie is lying about a lot of stuff and that's scary to her. She said that he's not a liar, he's worse because he's like 3 steps ahead of everyone in his lies. She asked if they heard Artie call in about being sick the other day. Robin said she wouldn't even believe Artie if he told her that he was there in the studio anymore. She said even if she can see him there it doesn't mean anything.
Fred said that Artie can't be forced into anything and he's going to do what he wants to do. Lisa said that she felt badly for the therapist and how he was talking about him on the air. Artie said the guy doesn't listen to the show so she doesn't have to worry about that.
Lisa said she doesn't believe anything that Artie says anymore. She said she has a file on everything he's said that were lies. Robin said that she really does appear to care about him and she was really let down by this. Artie told her to stop caring, that's how she can handle that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she knew that something was wrong with him. She went off on that for a minute and then said that Lisa should have her to her cookie party next year. Howard cut her off and hung up on her.
Lisa went through a couple of stories that they have coming up today. She ran through those quickly. Artie said that he knows his life is in a shambles and he doesn't want people hating his guts. That's what his excuse was for lying about going to therapy. Howard told Artie he doesn't have to lie to him. Artie said he's not lying to him.
Robin said that they asked her last week if she believed anything that Artie says and she said what she's saying today. She doesn't believe anything he says anymore. She said that drug users all lie and that's what Artie is doing to them. Howard ended up playing some Bon Jovi ''It's My Life'' and made up some lyrics about Artie as the song was playing. He also played some ''Bad Medicine'' for him. Artie was saying ''Oh God...'' as they continued to play Bon Jovi song after Bon Jovi song. Then they played ''Livin' On a Prayer'' and Howard made up some lyrics about Artie for that.
Jon Hein ran through his Wrap Up Show preview after that. He ran through the list of things that they were going to try and cover today. Artie said he wouldn't be able to do the show, he had to get to therapy.
The guys were still talking about Artie and his lies. Robin said that she thinks that Artie is lying about ''everything'' and in a few weeks when he reveals that he's back on drugs, Howard and Fred will be kicking themselves. Robin said she's not even sure Artie went to Afghanistan. Howard said he still believes some of the stuff that he says. Artie said he's not lying when he says he loves everyone in the room. Robin said she's not in the room so he must not love her. Artie said he does love her.
A caller said that he deals with drug addicts every day and Artie is using. He said that they just have to ask him for a drug test. Artie said he'd do that. The caller said that would let them know if he's lying about that. The caller went off on Artie calling him a junkie and hung up. Howard said he didn't think that was nice.
Robin read a story about a kid who went missing for 21 hours in 17 degree weather after the babysitter lost track of the 3 year old. The family pets ran off with the baby too. Robin said the child and the puppies walked up to a mile away. They found the 3 year old and the puppies laying up against the kid. The puppies kept the kid warm in the 17 degree weather and kept him alive. Howard said they said that the puppies were trying to get near him in the ambulance. The puppies apparently kept an eye on the kid the whole time.
Howard said he heard that Lisa G was just seen ripping up her copy of Artie's book ''Too Fat To Fish'' in the news room.
Robin read another story about a woman who left her dog outside in 6 degree weather and it got stuck to the ground for 12 hours. Howard said he thinks Robin will end up getting a dog next. The owner was taken in on animal neglect charges.
Robin read a story about a drug test kit that can tell them what kind of drugs have been used in the past 90 days. Artie claimed that he was in pain from this ulcer and needed a Prilosec. Howard said it's funny that he has to learn that name now. Artie said he found out he needs Nexium to cure this ulcer.
Robin read a story about a man who puked up some crack cocaine. Jason brought in some Pepcid AC for Artie. Artie said that's not what he needs for an ulcer. Jason came back in a short time later and said that he had some Previcid from Scott the Engineer. Artie said that's prescription and he can't take that. Howard told Jason to get that out of there.
Robin read a story about a teacher that demonstrated what slavery was like with two black kids in the class. She allegedly tied them up in front of the class.
Robin read a story about Amy Winehouse and her husband who is asking for money to keep him quiet about the stuff that went on in their life. He wants $1.7 million to keep him quiet.
Robin had a story about the Kennedy Center Honors awards that went out last night. She had a couple of stories about what went on there and some audio clips to play. She had audio of Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman, and more.
Howard brought up a story about how men's penises are being shrunken down because of certain chemicals that are getting into women's bodies. Artie said he thinks that his dick is getting smaller and maybe that's why. Robin said that when women are exposed to this stuff their baby boys may end up with smaller penises or feminized genitalia.
Robin played some audio of Jack Black from the Kennedy Center Honors. She also had Dave Grohl singing a Who song. Artie said he thought that sounded horrible. She had some audio of someone else covering a Who song. Artie said that it makes you appreciate Roger Daltrey when you hear these guys singing their songs.
Howard read that for every 30 pounds overweight a guy loses about a third of an inch of cock. He said that Artie is probably 100 pounds over so he's probably lost an inch of his dick. Artie sighed and said that everything is falling apart with him. Robin said she's glad that he's not in therapy and pulling things together. Howard said that High Pitch Eric is almost inverted from all of the weight he's gained. Artie isn't quite that bad yet.
Robin had some more audio clips from the Kennedy Center Honors show. Howard played through a bunch of those. Artie ended up singing a Barbra Streissand song after they played a cover of one of her songs from the awards show. That led to Artie talking about how funny it was when Barbra Streissand was on Rosie O'Donnell's show and ended up crying.
Robin had some audio of Condoleeza Rice talking about BarackObama's choice of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Robin brought up a story about Caroline Kennedy so that led to Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression for a short time. Fred and Artie got in on it as well of course.
Robin read some news about the auto industry bail out. She had some audio of some congressman talking about that. She also said that President Elect Obama was saying that he thinks they're handling it correctly. Robin said that everyone keeps asking her if she's going to the inauguration. Howard said that's because she's black. Robin said she doesn't have a ticket to anything so she won't be going. Robin said that Oprah Winfrey will be there. She had some audio of Oprah talking about that. Howard, as Ted Kennedy, said that anyone darker than a paper bag should be there.
Robin read some stuff about a pill that would make people smart. That led to Fred playing some Gary the Retard audio clips.
Robin read a story about a guy who claimed to have been sodomized by some police and now they're handing down some indictments for the cop who was accused of doing it. Robin read another story about a person that was killed during a parade when she jumped off a float and got hit and killed by the following float.
Robin had more on Sunny Von Bulow dying over the weekend. Robin had a story about Alyssa Milano having an alleged stalker who has been accused of breaking into her home. She also had a story about Beverly Garland who died on Friday. She used to be on the show ''My Three Sons.''
Robin had some stories about Betty Page who celebrated a birthday recently. Artie said he was never into those chicks from way back then. He said he likes modern looking chicks.
Howard said there's a girl missing and she apparently ran off with a known sex offender. Howard said that he brought it up because he was known as a local sex offender. Robin said she thought he was known to be a womanizer, she didn't know he was a sex offender. Robin read the story she had and they didn't say he was a sex offender. Howard said he had to find the article he had because it was pretty interesting. Howard looked through all of the paper and then Robin found in her story that he had a ''forcible touching'' charge against him.
Howard said they found the guy with scratches on his face and hands but he refuses to talk about where they came from. Howard said he was also accused of masturbating on a woman in public. Howard said he hasn't been charged with the child's disappearance yet but they are looking to find out more if anyone has seen him.
Robin said that gas prices have fallen 22 cents in the past week. That brings the average of regular to $1.79. Howard said they're probably going to cut back on production to raise the prices up again.
Robin read about the movie ''Four Christmases'' being number one. Howard said you know the movie is a piece of shit and you'll never understand why it went to number 1. Robin finished up after that and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Gary said that he's not sure if he was offered a cameo in the new Star Trek movie or not. Jon said that the rumor is that he was offered something but it's not clear if he was or not for sure.
Gary and Jon talked about Shatner talking about George Takei and how funny that is. Gary said that they tried to pressure Shatner to come on the show for a long time and he didn't want to do it. Then they finally got him to do it somehow and he eventually fell for the show and enjoyed it. It was when he was brought into the ''homo room'' when he finally liked the show and had a good time doing it.
Gary wondered if everyone knows what the homo room is. Jon said probably not. Gary explained what it was and how they used to bring people into this ''room'' where they would be doing all kinds of gay stuff in a room that sounded like a cave with water dripping and stuff. Gary said they used to have this guy they worked with who hated that stuff and he never wanted to go into that room. Shatner had fun with the time Howard brought him in there though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had to agree with Gary about the Metallica song that Howard played today. Gary said that the song was pretty well known so a lot of people know about it. It was big on MTV and it's in Guitar Hero too so it is pretty well known.
Gary said he feels really let down by what Artie did and how he believed that he was still going to the therapist. He said that Artie told them a lot of stuff about the therapist and he believed it all. Gary said that the whole reason he went to that therapist was because he missed the Bob Saget roast. He was supposed to be going to get better and that turns out to be a lie.
The caller said that stuff is what makes Artie ''Artie.'' Jon wondered if Artie did clean up, would that have less appeal for the fans out there. Gary said that's like what they were arguing about last week with Greg Fitzsimmons.
Another caller thought that Dee Snider was the first celebrity to go into the homo room. Gary said he might be right about that. The caller thought that Shatner was on the TV show with that whole thing. Gary said they didn't have a TV show back then. He said that Shatner ended up liking them after that though.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he got Artie's book on Saturday and got to the point in the book where his father fell off the roof. The guy said he doesn't care if Artie fucks up because he did heroin when he was 3 years old. He said that he finds it a slap in Howard's face when he does his book signing and misses the show. He said that when Artie falls asleep on the show he knows it's not from a sugar high. The guy said he hasn't stopped doing heroin since about 1967 himself so he knows.
Artie showed up and said that Gary's father is from a tough town and he wondered why he was hurt by him. Artie said he can't believe that Gary is that upset about this. Gary said that he doesn't get why he's belittling this. Artie said he doesn't get why people care about him being in therapy so much. Gary said it's not about therapy, it's about him getting better. Artie said he's surprised that he's that upset about the therapy. Gary said it's that he convinced them that he could do it and now it turns out he's not even doing it.
Artie said that there are other places to get help from other than therapy. Artie said he has friends he could talk to and things like that. Artie said that he feels he's letting people down with everything he says. Gary asked him why he waited until today to tell them what's going on. He said he could have told them two weeks ago instead of continuing the lie.
Artie said he brought it out today because he had to cut Lisa G off from sexually harassing him. He said he might have to get a restraining order now.
Gary said that Scott DePace has a theory about this whole thing and he wants him to come in and tell that story. Artie said that he's trying to appease people who think that therapy is the be all, end all of the whole thing. Gary said that's not what it's about. He said that he just wants him to get some help and he doesn't have to lie about going to therapy.
Scott DePace came in and said that he was doubting some of the drug things. Scott said that he never saw Artie withdrawing at work or anything so he was questioning what was going on and maybe this is just to sell books. He said that he doesn't think that he was ever on drugs and the whole heroin thing was just to sell books.
Gary asked Artie why he won't get a drug test where they test his hair. Artie said he just doesn't want anyone taking his hair.
Scott said they talk to him every day in the hall and they had no hints that he was on drugs. He said that they never got that feeling that he was on drugs like some drug addicts appear to be. Scott said that's where he came up with this whole theory.
Artie said that maybe Robin is attracted to him too and that's why she went off on him today. He said that Scott has to be right too and that's why he debuted at number 1 on the best seller list. Artie said that Scott told him that he was dealing pot out of a bar back when he was living in L.A. Scott said he never sold the stuff, there were some guys who were selling it there but he was a bouncer.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Gary and Robin were acting like they were lovers of Artie who were slighted by him. She told them to leave Artie alone and let him live his own life. Gary said they are leaving him alone. The woman said that Robin seems to think that she's a doctor all of a sudden. Artie said that Robin is a crazy person who isn't cured either. He said that she's nuts and doesn't know anything about the Jets.
Another caller said that he got addicted to Percocet and he ended up hiding it from his friends and family. He said that he doesn't think that Artie is back on anything. Gary said that Artie didn't tell them about his heroin addiction until he was out of work for 5 days in a row.
Another caller asked Artie about his audio book coming out. Artie said it's been out. Then he said that Gary is on it and didn't seem so happy about that.
Artie said that he's not a liar, he said he just lies about stuff that he wants to be obvious. Artie said that he's too fuckin' honest. He said if he wasn't so honest he wouldn't have told them about his lie. He said he's too fuckin' honest for his own good. He kept bringing up Scott's dealing coke trying to deflect on to that. It wasn't working.
Artie said that the whole heroin thing came out that day he wanted to give that heroin addicted kid that came on the show a Subutex. He said that it was a year behind him at that point and it opened up a can of worms. He said that he's really not a liar in his personal life. He said he doesn't lie about that stuff in his personal life.
Gary asked Artie if he went to the therapist the first time and figured it would never work or did he think that maybe it would work. Artie said that he wanted the guy to be interesting and that has never worked for him before. He said that he would like the guy to be fascinating to him so he can enjoy speaking to them. Artie said he gets bored speaking to people and he doesn't want to continue it.
Artie said he had one teacher that was fascinating to him and he loved talking to the guy. Artie said he had a couple of uncles, a baseball coach and a couple of aunts he loved talking to but they weren't therapists. Artie said that he just wants these people to be interesting to him so he thinks that they care about him. Artie said this guy he was going to was okay but he wasn't that interested in continuing the therapy.
Artie said that the guy didn't even have decent air conditioning so he wasn't comfortable sitting there talking to the guy. He said that might sound funny but he's serious about that.
Gary asked Artie if he thinks there's anyone that he can talk to about this stuff. Artie said that there are people out there.
Benjy asked Artie if he's still fighting that need for heroin. Artie said that's his fight every day. The Subutex is what helps him get through that. Gary asked Artie if he could tell from listening to a show if he was on heroin a certain day. Artie said there were days leading up to the 5 days when he took off where he was sweaty and nervous. That's when he was a wreck. Gary asked if he was in fear that someone would know what was going on. Artie said that of course he was in fear.
A woman called in and said that she's just as upset about this as Gary is. Artie liked her voice and tried asking her out until she told him that she's married. Artie said he's not sure why people are so upset about this therapy thing. The guys tried to explain to Artie that it wasn't about the therapy, it was about him lying about going to it.
Gary said that he thought that Artie was making an effort to get better and this is just making them look foolish.
Artie said that there's a story about Miles Davis doing heroin and how he went to his attic to get off of it. He said that guy told his father not to let him out of there for two weeks and that's how he got off the stuff.
Gary said that Artie talks about doing coke and how he will never do that again. He has no interest in it anymore so he wondered how he got over that but not heroin. Artie said that they're very different drugs. He said that heroin makes you want to go out and do stuff. Heroin just makes you want to stay home and do nothing.
Artie said that the last time he did coke was in 1997. He knew the exact date of that and explained to the guys how he knew he had to get that out of his life. Artie said that never happened with heroin. He worst thing that happened on heroin was doing the roast with Bob Saget.
Gary asked Artie why he didn't just try it anyway. Artie said he's not sure. Gary said that even Artie has said that when he's not doing the drugs, he may still need to go through the process. Artie said he never fully went through what most people go through for therapy. He said that he went to rehab for a few days and threw them $2,500 and they looked the other way and let him out early. Artie said he did 2 months of a 4 month program. You can read about all of this in Artie's book where he gets into more detail.
Artie told some stories about those days when he was getting off of coke and how he got out of rehab to do this audition for ''Dirty Work.'' He said he went out with Saget and Norm MacDonald eon night and tried to score coke off a couple of guys when they went out to play pool. They knew that he was trying to do that and they confronted him about it. He said that they were worried about him taking it over the border into Canada so they made sure he didn't do it.
Benjy asked when he did heroin for the first time. Artie said that was while he was doing coke. He said he did heroin in the 90s. He said that he would do the stuff in the same night but not together, that would be stupid.
Ralph called in and said he wasn't upset about Artie lying because he stopped believing him about a year ago. Ralph asked Artie how he can say he's not a liar and then draw distinctions about his lies. Ralph asked why Artie would think that anyone would believe him. Artie said that he doesn't come in there to be analyzed by a Muppet. Ralph said that's Artie's problem, he's so funny that he gets away with murder.
Artie said that he pushes people away from him in his life and that's a problem. He said that he's trying to do that with Scott now. He said it must be a fear of letting them down or something. He figures that he will eventually let them down so he pushes them away.
Ralph said that Artie only gave this therapist one chance and he can't do that. He said that a doctor isn't going to become his good friend. He said that you don't need that with a therapist to get help. Artie said that's what he doesn't get, he figured you would need a good relationship with them for them to help you out. Ralph said it's no different than going to a dentist. Gary seemed to agree with him on that.
Artie asked Ralph if he ever went to therapy. Ralph said he went for a year until he couldn't afford it anymore. He said he would still be going if he could afford it. Ralph said that most people have an agenda with you but the therapist doesn't. He said it helped him a lot when he was going to the therapist.
Ralph said the therapist was making him realize what he was doing in the sessions and he felt it really helped. Artie said that it's great when it helps a person but it wasn't helping him.
Gary said he went to therapy for a year to get over some family issues and it really did help him out. He said that it lets you come to grips with stuff when you go to therapy. They had to go to break but Artie asked Scott if he ever went to therapy. Scott said he never had to go. Gary said that it can be helpful. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said that he thinks that therapy can work for people but Jon said that it doesn't work for everyone. Jon said that Artie might confide in someone he knows. Gary said that he said that but he also said that he never gets that deep into it with his friends. Gary also said that he has to give Artie a 9 for that Muppet joke about Ralph today.
Jon said that Artie doesn't like letting people get close to him because he's afraid of letting them down. He said that's a good excuse to let them down when they do get close. Benjy said that he thinks that before therapy existed they were able to get off of drugs so maybe Artie doesn't need it. Gary said they're not saying it's the last resort but he's not even putting any effort into it.
Benjy wondered if people who go to therapy have a better success rate than people who don't. Gary said that it's people who ''try'' to get better in therapy who might have a better shot.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they think Artie is just not comfortable being honest with people. Gary said that maybe there's some behavior that he doesn't want them knowing about or something like that. Jon said he thinks Artie just wants people to believe what he thinks they want to believe. That's why he lies so much. Jon said that Artie deflects on people and that's easier for him than giving an honest answer. That might be why he's doing this.
Jon took another call from a guy who hadn't heard the show when Artie revealed all of this so Jon had to explain that to him. They told him how it came up during the Lisa G segment. The caller asked if he admitted he's doing drugs or anything. The guys said he didn't say anything about that.
Gary asked Jon where his credibility stands with Artie right now. Jon said on a scale of 10 he'd have to say 2. Benjy wasn't able to come up with an answer so Gary had to cut him off since it was time to end the show. The guys got in some plugs and then ended the show.
Howard started off the show saying that Artie wasn't there. Robin said she knew that he wouldn't be there today. Gary said that Artie is on his way up there and Robin may be speaking too soon.
Howard said they're doing the Worlds Hottest, Funniest Chick game. They'll have 3 ladies performing in the contest. They narrowed it down to 3 from the many that applied. Howard said these were the top 3. Robin figured that some of them weren't hot. Artie showed up and said that he worked with one of the girls. He said she's very hot.
Howard said he was going to talk about NBC getting rid of Jay Leno. He said that they've never seen a show that successful where he beats every other guy in that time slot and the network is letting him go. He said he doesn't get why they would do something like that. Howard said he was going to talk about this the other day. Howard said he thinks that NBC won't let Leno go and they'll just pay off Conan.
Howard said that Jay is such a douche bag. He said he could be getting like $50-60 million but he sticks with the 40 that he's getting. Howard said that skeeves him out. He said that makes him think that the guy is even stranger than he originally thought. Howard said Jay still does stand-up comedy and claims he lives off of that money and not the money he's making on The Tonight Show.
Howard read that Jay Leno is moving to 10 o'clock on NBC and he'll do his skits and stuff. He said it would be The Tonight Show but at 10 o'clock instead of 11:30. Howard said that Merv Griffin did a syndicated show many years ago that aired at 10pm. Howard said it did quite well from what he remembers. He said that people who go to bed early stayed up to watch that. Howard said that might just work.
Howard said his thoughts are that NBC won't let Leno leave that time slot and they will just pay off Conan and not let him move to that spot. Artie said that Conan is ready to move out to L.A. and his staff have already been setting up to move out there. That would be crazy for NBC to back out of that.
Howard said that Jay Leno moving would be getting less money. He said that it would be just $20 million even though that slot could make even more for NBC. Howard said he just doesn't get that. Howard wondered who he's trying to win over by taking less money. Howard said that Jay isn't winning anyone over with that. The regular fan out there doesn't care if it's 20 or 40 million.
Artie said that the fans don't care what kind of money it is. They just want to laugh at his jokes. Howard said Jay is just trying to be a regular guy by doing that. Howard said that the prime time slots are brutal and if Jay can only pull a 5 share in that time slot, he won't last. He's going to have to do much better to stay on the air.
Howard said that Merv Griffin's show was syndicated but Robin said it aired around the country at different times. Robin said it wasn't at 10 around the whole country.
Howard said the rumors are that Jay was offered like $100 million to go to other networks. He apparently turned it down because it was just too much.
Robin wondered if Jay is bringing Stuttering John with him when he moves. Howard said that he figures Jay hates John now but he will have to bring him with him wherever he goes. He said that Jay would feel too guilty to drop him at this point. Howard said he's seen John on the Tonight Show and he's barely on it anymore. Howard said he thinks that things just didn't work out for them over there. Howard said John was found to be a likeable guy and they figured that they'd get him on the show and get some of their fans to watch. Howard said Jay isn't a fan of his show but his head writer is and that's why they see the similar bits on that show.
Howard figures that Jay is going to bring those bits they took from his show and use them on the new show. People will think that Jay invented them. Howard said he thinks that Jay may have a shot if he does shows every night of the week and draws in that older crowd out there that won't stay up late to watch the Tonight Show.
Artie said those shows are on late and he sees why some people can't stay up to watch them. Howard said that he can see this new time slot working and it's not that crazy of an idea.
Robin said that the CBS dramas are killing everyone else and they're airing at 10pm so that could be a problem for Jay. Howard said he thinks it could still work though.
Fred said that the CSI shows are killers. He isn't so sure that Jay can beat those shows. Howard said that if it's Jay vs. Letterman when one has a 5 share and one has a 3, that's one thing. If Jay goes up against Dancing with the Stars or a CSI then maybe it won't work. He's not sure.
Howard said he thinks that Jay is a shit head and he hopes he fails either way. He said that when Conan does the Tonight Show he'll actually appear on it. Howard said if Jay somehow shows that he's not that robot that he thinks he is, then maybe he'll change his tune on him.
Robin said she thinks that Jay is just as miserable as Howard is or maybe even worse. Artie said that he doesn't seem to be human to him. Robin agreed with him on that.
Artie wondered if Howard is going to make up with Jay when he's like 75 years old. Howard said he called a guy and apologized to him because of what he was saying about the guy. He said he was being a jerk to the guy and he didn't deserve it so he called and apologized. Howard said he regrets some of the stuff he's said to other celebrities. Not with Jay though.
Howard mentioned that they have the History of Howard Stern Act 2 coming up on December 22nd. Howard said that it's a huge program and they've been working on it for a year and a half. John DeBella was one of the people they interviewed. Howard said he called John and thanked him for doing it. He left him a message. Howard said that he was very gracious for doing that considering how much of a shit head he was to the guy. Howard said they were brutal with John on the air.
Robin said she and Tom Chiusano saw DeBella at Booker's party last year and Tom didn't recognize who he was because he just looked like some old radio guy to him. Howard said Tom must be senile.
Artie said that he knows that Howard and Robin are mad at him for lying about the rehab thing. Howard and Robin both said that they're not mad at him. Robin said she's hurt by it. Artie said that's the same thing. Artie then went on to say that he's too honest and that's the actual problem. He said that he's the one who told them that he wasn't in rehab. Robin asked him how he can say he's not a liar though. Artie said he lies, lies, lies and then ''BAM!'' he tells the truth.
Artie and Robin went back and forth at each other for a few minutes. Robin was pointing out the stuff that Artie had told them in the past when they confronted him about some things. Howard said that someone pulled a clip for him to play. Artie figured it was going to be all of the clips of him being ''sick'' on the air and stuff. Howard said that's not it.
Howard said that when Brad Garrett was on the show he called Artie out on the drug thing. He said it was from September 8th of this year. He said that Brad kept nailing Artie on the therapy thing and how he wasn't really going. Howard said that Brad was a pit bull about that when he was on.
Howard played the audio clip where Brad asked Artie if he was in rehab and then said that he's lying and he's not actually going. Brad somehow figured out that he wasn't going and he was right. Artie was lying and saying that he was going every Tuesday and Thursday. Brad could tell he was full of it and he was lying about going. He was also telling Artie that his new assistant was going to make him go back on smack. Brad suggested that Artie get an assistant that he won't want to bang.
Howard said that was it and Brad was right about that stuff. Artie said he wasn't right. Robin said that he was right because Artie only went to rehab one and a half times. Artie said they don't even know that's true.
Robin said that these lies are very elaborate. She said that Artie was saying that his therapist had canceled on him when he wasn't even going to therapy anymore.
Artie said that Robin acts like she's some kind of expert on this stuff. He said she claimed to be a fan of Mike and the Mad Dog and she knew nothing about the show. Robin said that she doesn't know all of the news anchors on the news stations she listens to and she used to tune into Mike and the Mad Dog once in a while. She said that she didn't listen intently though.
Robin also went on to talk about the NY Jets since Artie was calling her out on that. She told Artie some of the stuff that she saw in the game over the weekend and gave the details of that. Artie said he was done arguing about that because Robin was being so brutal with that.
Howard read some mail about Robin's outburst with Artie yesterday. The fans got pissed at her a little bit about the way she was acting.
Howard played a clip of Lisa talking to Rev. Bob Levy who was at the party. Lisa Lampanelli went off on Bob and suggested they go over and talk to that Hebe. Bob said he'd just come out of the closet. He was there talking to Joey Boots and High Pitch Mike. Bob's wife made some cookies and Lisa wondered how Bob ended up with her and she's banging N-words. Lisa let that N-word fly no problem. Howard said he didn't know what was going on there.
Artie said that Jason sounded so queer as the co-host of the party there. Howard played some more audio from the show where it was all over modulated. He said it was very hard to listen to. Whenever someone would get on mic it was impossible to hear. Artie wondered who would keep listening after that. Robin said that Eric the Midget has a better broadcast.
Howard said the whole signal started to cut out in the middle of the show. Howard played some audio of Ralph being interviewed. Ralph was giving his thoughts on the cookies when the show just cut off for a few seconds. Then it came back and Lisa cracked some more racist jokes about the cookies.
Richie Beilenson was at the party so Lisa was talking to him about his cookies. Jason found out that he didn't make them himself. Richie pulled out of the contest. Richie told them who made the cookies and how he had just picked them up from some woman by the name of Judy Tint. Howard wasn't sure why they even pulled that clip. It wasn't very interesting.
Howard said that was the cookie party. He said he had some other clips but he thinks that was enough to get the idea of what it was like. He said those were the highlights. Howard said that Lisa Lampanelli was throwing around that N-word a lot. Artie did his impression of Lisa and goofed on her about the racist stuff a bit. Artie did that for a few minutes and made up some new jokes that Lisa could have used. Howard said that Lisa was trying to inject some humor into the party. Artie said she did and it worked.
Howard said that Tim loves to cover that cookie party for some reason. Howard said that Ralph was there and there were other people from the show there. Artie said he can't believe that Lisa gets deals with Jim Carrey and still gets away with jokes like that.
Gary said he thinks that Artie dislikes him and there's some weird thing going on between them. He was going to say the same thing about his feelings about Artie. He thought that Artie wasn't liking him but now they both feel the same way about each other.
Artie said he cares about what Gary thinks about him but he can't believe that they cared about the therapy thing. Gary said it wasn't the therapy, it was the lying and betraying them that bothers them. Artie said that he didn't betray anyone. Gary said that he did because he's lied so much. Gary said that's the betrayal that he's talking about.
Artie said that he isn't lying to everyone ether. Gary said he is. He's lying to everyone on the show. Gary said that he finds it hard to believe that he's not lying to everyone. Artie said his mother knows that he wasn't in therapy. He said he didn't lie to her because she can see through the bullshit.
Artie said he's too honest and they shouldn't even know that he was on heroin. Gary said that's his fault for telling them then. Artie said that he doesn't lie just to lie. Gary said he's not sure why he's supposed to know when he's lying. Artie said it shouldn't even matter to him if he is lying. Artie said he lies to benefit himself when it comes to work.
Artie said that he does this lying stuff to protect his job. Gary said that he thinks that his own lies are less than the lies that Artie tells. Artie said he bets they're not less than his. He said that he lies to protect himself.
Gary said that he does feel that there's some animosity toward him and he thinks that the time Artie saw his pay check was the time that it all started. Artie said that he's sorry if that's the way he feels. He said that has nothing to do with it and it's not even on his mind. Artie said that he actually got Gary's check in the mail.
Howard said he thinks Artie is lying about that and he opened the check knowing that it was Gary's. Gary said he heard that they did call him ahead of time and they did open it even when they were asked not to. Artie said that they're covering their ass with that. They didn't call him and tell him not to open it. Artie said he would never open it up if he knew it was Gary's before he opened it. Artie said that he's the one who called them and told them that they sent him the wrong check. He doesn't want to get anyone fired over that though.
Artie was complaining about the way Ralph called the Wrap Up Show and asked him if he was going to joke about this stuff. Artie said it's his job on the show to joke like that. He's like Artie the Joke Man. That led to Fred playing Jackie the Joke Man's music and Howard doing his impression of Jackie for a few seconds.
Gary said that he also thought that Artie didn't want him on the trip to Afghanistan and he had people telling him that Artie was acting like he didn't want him to go. Gary said that he took Artie's friend's spot and he wasn't able to go anyway. Howard said that Artie was happy to have Gary with him there. Artie said he was happy to have him with him.
Howard took a call from ''Heroin'' who claimed that he and Artie were together last night. He said that he was in his right, front pocket. He said Artie did a little bit of him last night and then went to sleep. Heroin said that Artie was on the internet last night. That's when Howard cut him off and said he wasn't so funny anymore. Artie is never on the internet.
Howard said that Lisa G is claiming that Artie wanted to show her Gary's check. Lisa came in and told Howard that she was out at his birthday party and showed some people at his table the check. Artie said he didn't physically have Gary's check with him. Lisa said she doesn't believe him now. Howard said that Lisa is upset with Artie because she's found out about these lies. Lisa said she has a file on Artie that shows all of his lies. She said that she went through it yesterday.
Howard asked Lisa what she has in that file. Lisa said she doesn't want to go through it until she has to. She said that she doesn't feel they're going to have a good ending to this. She doesn't feel good about it all and she's not laughing like everyone else is.
Howard asked Lisa what it is that she's feeling so bad about. Lisa said that she will play the stuff when she feels the time is right. Artie said she sounds psychotic to him. Lisa said that Artie is the only one she has a file on. Then Gary said she has one for Howard too with pictures of him and Beth with the pictures of Beth cut out. He was joking about that.
Howard said that Lisa is such a reporter. Artie said that she's such a crazy person. Artie said that he's a drug addict so he's going to lie. He has logical reasons for doing that but keeping a file on him is just nutty and there is no logical reason for that.
Howard asked where Jason was because he heard he saw Gary's check. Jason came in and asked Artie not to throw anything at him. Artie said ''How could I miss?'' Jason then said that he saw the check and Artie had it with him that night. Artie said that his mother had the check and she never showed it to him. Gary asked how he knew how much it was. Artie said he went over and looked at it.
Jason ran out of the studio after that. He didn't stick around to talk about the check. Artie said he never physically had the check. Jason said maybe he was joking around but he didn't make up how Artie knew how much Gary made. He was joking around about it that night at the party.
Jason said that Artie said, at that party, that he had the check and he was showing it around. He said he remembers seeing something in his hand with a figure written down on it. Benjy said that maybe Artie joked around about it and was pretending to show people the check.
Artie said he did joke about it and it happened like 10 minutes before he got to that party. Gary said that he didn't think it was that funny but Artie did stop when he asked him to.
Artie said that his mother would tell them that she mailed the check back and didn't give it to him to carry around. Artie also said that he has no problem with Gary. He said that Gary has been snippy with him lately and he's not sure why.
Gary said he's upset about the way Artie has been acting and he really cares about him a lot. Gary said that if Artie wanted to leave the show for a couple of months to get better, he'd be happy to lose him and keep him in his life.
Howard said he'd like to know how much Gary is making himself. Gary said he's not even sure what check he saw. He's not sure what time frame that check was from. Artie swore that he didn't have that check at the party. He said his mother gets the checks and she told him that she got one that was a different amount than usual and it turned out to be Gary's.
Artie said that he asked his mother how much the check was for because he was kind of curious. She didn't want to tell him what it was but she eventually did. He said that neither of them had a problem with the amount. Artie said that he had just found out how much it was for like 10 minutes before he showed up to Howard's apartment. He's sorry he brought it up at all.
Howard said that they all love Artie there and that's what they were trying to tell him. He said that he thinks that what Gary is trying to say is that they all love him and they're going to be supportive of whatever he does to get help. Howard said Artie may mistake that for Gary being gay but he's really just caring for him.
Howard said he digs Artie and he doesn't want anything bad to ever happen to him. Robin said that she loves Artie too and when he reveals that he's been lying to them, that's a let down.
Artie said he gets that. He said that he doesn't think that Gary is gay for caring about him too. He said that he's not a Neanderthal like that. He said that when he says that Gary is gay he's really just wondering why the guy cares so much about him. It's more of a shock thing.
Artie asked if they would be okay if he revealed that he was going to go away for a few weeks in 2009 to get better. The guys said that they would drive him.
Gary said that Artie bribed his way out of rehab years ago when he was in it. He revealed that on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Artie said it's in his book (Too Fat To Fish) too. Artie said that he did bribe a guy to sign a piece of paper to get him out of rehab so the producers of MAD TV would see he got the help he said he would.
Dominic Barbara called in and read the last paragraph from Artie's book. He thought Artie was being very honest in that. Dominic was also saying that he's inviting them all to his Christmas party and wondered if they would come. Howard cut him off and said that no one is coming. He hung up on him and let him go.
The guys ended up talking about Celebrity Rehab and how great the episode was last night. Artie said that he loved the way Jeff Conaway stepped up and took over from Gary Busey's craziness. They spent a minute talking about that before Howard said he had to take a break.
Artie said that he had a story about this movie that he was trying to get a part in. He said that it was just last year when he got the call for this movie that Nicolas Cage was going to be in. Cage dropped out of it and he thought about doing it when he heard that Mickey Rourke was going to be in it. Artie said he auditioned for this guy Darren Aronofsky for the movie ''The Wrestler.'' He said he had some great auditions and thought he was going to get the part. He said that it went right to the end of the audition process and the other guy ended up getting it. Artie said that he ended up missing out on it and that's just the way things go.
Fred said that the guy who got the part looks like he's 90 years old. Artie said that he was talking to his buddy David Herman from MAD TV about the part. He said that David told him that Darren Aronofsky was at a party they went to years ago out in L.A. and when they were there he ended up punching Darren in the face. David told him all of this and it turns out that maybe Darren did this to get back at him.
Artie said he didn't remember all of that but it could have been a way to fuck with his head. Artie said there's a chance he didn't remember that whole thing because he was so nice to him in the audition. Howard said that would be a really dark way to get back at someone. Fred said that if you've seen some of Darren's movies, that would seem like something he would do to get back at someone. Howard asked Artie if he showed Darren Gary's paycheck.
Howard said he's sorry to hear about his rejection. That's what Jeff Conaway was complaining about on Celebrity Rehab. Howard said that it could be something really simple or something even more detailed like what Artie was thinking with his story. Artie said he doesn't believe that he slapped this guy Darren around like this guy was telling him. He said that maybe this other kid doesn't like him and he was fucking with him instead. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that they have a whole AC/DC channel there that he listens to when he's working out. Howard said it's very good. Howard said it used to be the old Buzzsaw channel. Artie said he'd like to listen to that. Howard said he can listen to like 20 songs and he's done with his work out. Artie said there's nothing better than some AC/DC.
Howard had a couple of Baba Booey mentions he wanted to play. He said they had to get to the Funniest / Hottest Chick game shortly too. That was being sponsored by Howard TV so he ran down the top five shows over there.
Robin asked if they number their shows over there. Howard said they just give a daily date for their shows. Howard said they have so many good shows within one day that they have to have sub categories. Howard said that's why he's such a king of all media. He's got so much content that they can't just give it one number.
Howard said that Greg Gumble slipped in a ''Zero point zero'' comment during a game. Howard said Greg is a big fan of the show and it was obvious that he slipped it in for them. He was calling a game and slipped it in during a discussion about the game.
Howard played a Baba Booey shout out from during a WWE Raw event. Howard said a couple of wrestlers got up to make a speech and threw out a ''Baba Booey'' mention.
Howard had another Baba Booey mention from the NFL where a fan yells out ''Baba Booey'' in the background. Howard said you have to listen very carefully to this one. The guy could be heard pretty clearly behind the announcer. He got in at least 3 Baba Booeys. There was another Baba Booey mention on a cooking show. He got in a Baba Booey and a ''Hey now.''
Howard said he was thinking about this NHL guy who got into trouble for saying that another player was getting his sloppy seconds. He said that these guys hit each other with sticks and only get suspended for 2 games. This guy got suspended for 6 games just for saying ''sloppy seconds.'' Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about how ridiculous that whole thing was.
Howard said that Beetlejuice was there trying to sing some ''I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'' so he had some audio of that to play. Howard said he kind of knows some of the words. Beet was singing some of the lyrics, but not the whole song. Howard played through the song and Beet would sing one word out of about 5.
Howard played some of High Pitch Mike's ''I'm Comin' Out The Closet'' song and wondered if he was singing higher than Beetlejuice was.
Howard had a new phony phone call from Richard Christy where he calls and wishes a Christmas store a Merry Christmas over and over again using lyrics from various Christmas songs. Richard was doing his ''Ethel'' character in that call. The woman eventually hung up on him so he called back. The woman hung right up on him. Howard said that he had to take a quick break and then he'd get to the Hottest / Funniest chick contest.
Howard came back and sang along to the Zeppelin song a little bit. He said that they have some pictures of the hottest funniest chicks up on his web site this morning. Howard said that they're all beautiful and sexy from what he's heard. Howard said that they're going to evaluate their hotness and then on how funny they are.
Howard said the first person up was Esther Ku. Howard said she was very cute. Esther said that he was cute too. Howard told her that he's not cute, he's hit the wall.
Howard said that he's been watching this ''Flirting with 40'' show with Heather Locklear lately. He cut himself off a short time later and said he's not even sure why he brought that up.
Howard said that Esther has been doing comedy for 5 years. She grew up in a really strict home with her Korean parents. She got into stand-up after she was told she was really funny in school when she'd write for the school paper.
Esther said that she was only allowed to watch The 10 Commandments and shows like that when she was growing up. She said that her parents don't like that she doesn't believe in God herself. She said that she believed in it when she was growing up but then she learned how to masturbate and things changed. She said that's part of her act too.
Howard said that Esther has become adept at masturbating after she was trained to play musical instruments. She said that she doesn't have a boyfriend so she's had sex. Howard said that he imagines that she gets hit on a lot when she's out on the road. She said that's kind of the case. She said that she doesn't have guys servicing her on the road like Howard was saying.
Esther said that she thinks about the times she's had sex when she masturbates. She said that she prefers just her fingers and not a vibrator when she's doing it. Howard asked if she lights candles or anything. She said she doesn't. She said that she prefers the clitoris to be manipulated over anything else. She said it's like a door bell. Fred threw in a door bell sound effect for her after that.
Esther said that she was on Last Comic Standing and she's doing pretty well now. Howard said he'd love to watch her masturbate. He asked her how old she was when she lost her virginity. She said she was 19. She tried to lose her virginity her first year of college and she wasn't able to do it. She said she had braces and stuff and it just didn't work.
Howard said he thought she was very sexy and couldn't believe she wasn't able to lose it. He said she must have blossomed since then. Howard asked her if she was into chicks. She said she loves cock too much to be into girls.
Howard told Esther that it was time for her to do some comedy for them. Esther went right into her act and did some material about going to her therapist. She had some material about her parents and had the guys laughing a bit. She had a minute to do what she could and Howard said she finished right on time. Howard thanked her and said that it was nice to have her there. He said he had never had sex with an Asian woman before.
Howard introduced the next girl, Whitney Cummings, and said that Artie claims to have worked with her. Howard liked her body too. Howard said it looks like she works out. She said that she does and she never wears stuff like she was wearing this morning. Howard told her she should dress like that more often. Howard said he'd like to see her and Esther getting it on.
Howard said that Whitney has gotten some notice out there doing comedy. She's been doing it for 4 years now. Howard said she worked on Punk'd for a little while. She said that she almost got killed by The Rock on that show. Howard said that he'd probably kill someone if they did something like they did to Rock. He said that they blew up The Rock's trailer. Whitney said that she pretended that she was almost killed in the explosion and threatened to sue him. She said that he came at her like he was really angry and tried to shut her up.
Howard asked if Rock let them air the show. She said that he did and she can't believe that these people sign releases to let them air the shows.
Howard said he has no desire to be Punk'd because he knows that they'd hate it. Howard asked how it was working with Ashton Kutcher. She said that it was weird seeing Demi Moore because she's so beautiful. She said she had nothing bad to say about Ashton though.
Howard said that Whitney worked with Artie on a show and she claims that Artie blew her off. She said he was wearing some weird 1980s headphones there at the show and she figured that he just didn't want anything to do with anyone else there. She said that she just left him alone. Artie said he remembers her very well because she is hot.
Artie said there were a bunch of people at this thing they were doing and he didn't have a chance to talk to her. He said he was talking to people he knew and she was talking to people she knew so he didn't bother her.
Howard asked Whitney how she ended up getting into threesomes. She said that she was going to University of Pennsylvania and she used to hear people having sex in the next room. She said that they were very loud. Whitney said she was asked to go to dinner with her neighbors and she figured she'd go. Whitney said that she only remembers waking up with a cock in her mouth and a woman between her legs. She said that she doesn't know what happened but she blames herself.
Howard said that Whitney has written for some roasts and wrote for the Bob Saget roast. She said that they wrote some stuff for Artie and then he didn't show up. She said that they were going to throw some of the jokes to the other fat guys there so they ended up using the Artie jokes on Jeff Garlin instead. Whitney said Garlin didn't know what was going on because the jokes weren't even meant for him.
Whitney has some other stuff going on in the business and went on and on about that stuff. She told the guys a story about Carmen Electra breaking down and crying after reading some jokes they had written for her one time. She said that she must not have gotten the joke and ended up crying over it all.
Howard said that he and Carmen were in a shower together one time. He said that he didn't bang her though. Howard said that Whitney made fun of Asians one time and she got into trouble with them. Whitney said that she joked about their height in a roller coaster joke and that got her into trouble with one of the audience members.
Howard said that it was time for Whitney to do her stand-up. She did her minute about living in L.A. and the way guys act out there. She had Howard and Artie laughing at her stuff. She went over her minute but she kept the guys entertained.
Howard told Whitney that she was good. He told Esther that she was good too. Howard asked Whitney if she likes Joan Rivers and Sarah Silverman. Whitney said that she does like both of them. Howard said that this was turning out better than he thought it was going to. He said he's having fun all of a sudden. Howard wondered who said that hot chicks can't be fun. Robin thought he was the one who said that.
Next up was April Macie. Howard said she's been doing this for 7 years now. April said that she's been having fun doing it and it's much better than having a day job. She said she was with Mitch Fatel and he ended up dumping her when he got his HBO special.
April told Howard some stories about the guys she's been with and how she found one guy banging a Trannie on their couch when she came home. She said that one time she opened the bathroom door when her boyfriend was taking a shit and she smacked him and ran out of the house. She said that was emasculating for him because he couldn't just get up and chase after her.
April said that when she was in school she was known as ''shitty'' because some guy told a story about them having anal sex and how she shit on the couch. She said that wasn't a true story, it was a rumor that the guy spread.
Howard said that he found April very attractive and liked her red hair. He said that she was very attractive and it was time for her to do her stand-up. Robin wasn't sure how they were going to vote on these girls. It was going to be very tough to pick a winner.
April went into her minute long act and did some material about her 10 year high school reunion. She joked that her nickname in school was ''whore'' and things like that. She also had some jokes about seeing a homeless guy jerking off out on the street. She said that he was so fast that she thought he was going to go back in time.
Howard said that all of these girls were really good. Howard said he's surprised they haven't heard about them before. Robin said that she got angry at her parents for not being funnier after hearing some of April's material.
Howard said he hates this part of the show because he has to judge the girls. He said that they have to pick a winner and it's going to be very tough. Howard said that all three of them were pretty and they were all funny. Howard asked if any of them were sick because that might help them make a choice.
Howard said that they have a $5,000 grand prize from Howard TV for the winner. Howard told Artie to go first and judge them on their beauty and comedy. Artie said that all three were hot. He said that Esther might be the hottest but she's also the least funny to him. He said she'll be great but she's young right now. Artie said that she will be funny and he told her to stick with it and not quit the business.
Artie said that he's going to have to pick April because she'd probably fuck him for his vote. Artie said they were both hilarious. Whitney said that Artie could give her a Dirty Sanchez or he could shit on her chest. Artie said that if he had a gun to his head he'd have to pick Whitney as the winner.
Gary went next and said that he's attracted to all three of the girls. He said that he's most attracted to Esther but Whitney and April were the funniest. He said he was going to have to pick April.
Howard said that Esther was getting a lot of points for being hot. Fred went next and said that Whitney was funny but she's got a very good look and she could do a sitcom or something. Fred said that he would have to pick April as his pick.
Howard said that everyone wants to fuck Esther but the other girls are getting the votes on the funny. Robin was up next. She said that Esther is adorable. She said that her material is good but not as good as the other girls. Howard said he thinks Esther is getting the raw end of the deal. Robin went on to say that April made her laugh in the interview so she was going to have to pick her. She said that she was laughing most hard at her interview even though Whitney was very funny with her material.
Howard went to the phones and asked the fans what they thought. One guy said that based on the ''Hottest, Funniest'' thing then Esther should win. The guys said that they had to be the funniest and hottest though. Another caller said that they should base this on the best Sybian ride. He said that he thinks that April is the hottest from what he saw on the web site.
Howard was going to let Benjy vote but didn't want a whole thing from him. Benjy told him to fuck off then. Howard let him vote anyway. Benjy gave his thoughts on all of the girls and said he had to go with April. Howard said his vote was irrelevant then. He said that he would have voted for April if he had to. He said that it would have been a tough vote though.
Artie said that he should have went last and maybe voted for Esther so he could possibly fuck her. Howard congratulated April on her win.
Some fans didn't like the outcome. Howard said that he liked all three of the girls. Artie said that he would hire Whitney to write for his roasts. He said he liked April too and she might be good on a roast doing her own stuff.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that he'd vote for the chick who had the biggest tits... Artie Lange. Artie said that was a good example of a shitty joke.
Howard gave the two girls who didn't win, a $500 prize courtesy of Man Groomer. April said that she loves Howard and she was glad that she won today. Artie said that he's going to be doing a show out in Easton, Pennsylvania where April is from. He asked her to open up for him there. Artie said that could be a slam dunk and he might be able to fuck her if he has her open up for him there.
April talked about banging Mitch Fatel and how he had a pretty big penis. She said that she also lived with comedian Gary Gulman for about 4 years.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to the girls before he ended the segment. He asked the girls about Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman's relationship. The girls said that if comedians are dating they have to have the same level of success to have a good relationship. They figure that they don't work if one is more successful than the other.
Howard talked to the girls about dating and that led to Artie telling a story about Norm MacDonald dating a model and how she was doing this ''Don't go there'' line to him all the time. Norm told her she had to stop doing it but she refused. She would keep doing it because she thought she was funny but she wasn't.
Howard took a couple more phone calls and let the fans give their thoughts on this contest. One guy said he was looking forward to checking out the girl's pictures when he gets a chance. Howard said they were all hot and he was glad he got the chance to meet them all.
Howard came back and said that was the original The Cars and not the new The Cars. Howard said that Todd Rundgren is the lead singer of that band now. Howard wondered why Ric Ocasic isn't out on the road doing that stuff. Fred said he made a lot of money and doesn't need to go out there and do it anymore.
Howard said he was reading about this guy, Nelson J. Marchioli, in the NY Times. He said the guy had a really tough life growing up and he ended up making it big. The kid had to do everything growing up and had it pretty tough. He worked his ass off from the time he was a little kid. Howard said the guy's step-father who ran a motel for a while. Then he ended up building a trailer park on that property.
Howard said the guy ended up going to work at Red Lobster and worked his way up to Vice President of the company. Now he's the new Chief Executive at Denny's. Howard said that he went in and did a whole overhaul of the business and he's tinkering with the menus and stuff. He said he turned down a job at Burger King and some other jobs and he's just working hard at making Denny's better. Howard said he's actually rooting for Denny's to do well after reading this story.
Howard said he wanted to send this guy a note and let him know what he thinks about all of this. Howard said he went to try and find a way to contact the guy but he figured it would never get to him. Howard said he just wanted to tell him that his story inspires him and it shows that hard work pays off.
Howard said that he tried to find a way to get in touch with the guy but all he could find was some woman he could write to and that's not what he was looking to do. He figured that the guy wouldn't hear about his letter.
Howard said that Artie was joking about how he has to bring guys like Nick DiPaolo with him on the road. Howard said that Nick is really funny but he hasn't quite broken into the business where they know him on the other side. (He's so unknown that Artie spelled his name wrong in his book.)
Artie said that he worked on network TV but if he hadn't gotten this job on the Stern Show, he'd be one of those people that's unknown. He said that he almost wanted to hug Howard today when he saw him this morning. Artie said he had a great thing happen to him and he's getting a profile in Rolling Stone soon. He said that wouldn't have happened without the show.
Artie said that a lot of it is luck. He said he lucked out that his show was canceled around the time Jackie was leaving because he was able to get this job.
Howard met the intern that he got in the Secret Santa. Howard said he heard he likes heavy metal and stuff like that. The intern said he likes having this internship and that's a great gift by itself. The intern said he likes Pantera and Slayer and bands like that. Howard asked if he wanted to be in the band, he might be able to make that happen.
Howard threw some ideas out to the intern and tried to figure out what he might like. The intern said he likes comic books, horror movies and stuff like that. Howard said he could send him to the Bunny Ranch or maybe get Rob Zombie to give him a hand job. Howard said maybe he can get Rob to sell him something like that Munster mobile or something. Howard asked if he wanted Rob's house or something.
Howard said he could give this kid cash. He said he could give him a copy of Gary's paycheck. Howard said that maybe the cash is what this kid is fishing for. The intern said he's got student loans to pay off. Artie said that maybe Howard could pay off one of his loans.
Howard saw a tattoo on the intern's arm so he asked what that was. He said it was a Tinkerbell tattoo. He said his friend gave it to him one day when they were closing up the tattoo parlor that his friend worked at. He said he hates that thing and he wants it off. He keeps it covered up all year long so he's always hot in the summer. He showed them the tattoo and Fred suggested that they have Captain Hook fingering her or something.
Howard asked the intern how much his student loan was and if he'd be happy with cash. The intern said that he had one loan that was $8,000. Howard said he might pay for some of the loan. He said that he might give him enough so he'll just have $7,500 left. Howard said he seems like a good dude so he'll come up with something.
Robin said that she doesn't like the way Howard gets to do this on the air. She said she wanted to do that with Mike Gange. She said this wasn't very entertaining.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that the guy who got Howard's name in the secret Santa thing is having a hard time figuring out what to get him. While they were going over that Robin was getting all pissed off about the way they were doing things with the Secret Santa thing. Robin said that Howard wasn't sticking to the plan.
Howard said that Robin has been acting very angry on the show lately and he's not sure where that's coming from. Doug asked what she was drinking over there. She said it was none of his business. Howard said he thinks that's her venom she's drinking.
Howard said that this kid isn't going to do the right thing by him. He said he liked it better when he and Robin were buying stuff for each other. Howard said he ends up keeping all of this crap he's gathered up over the years because he wants to do a Howard Stern Museum some day. Howard said he went through some of it the other day and it was all garbage but it was fun to go through. He has that picture of Neil Young that Artie got for him and maybe he could re-gift that. Artie said that would be like giving him $7,000.
Artie said that he saw a picture of Lisa G on this tin of cookies she's selling and she looks really hot on it. He said he wanted to cut the lid out of the tin and fuck it. Artie said that she has to be out of her mind if she thinks she looks like this caricature of herself. Howard said that she really doesn't look like that at all and she doesn't dress that way.
Howard asked Robin what's going on with this 25 year old guy she's dating. Robin said that's none of his business. She's not going to talk about that.
Howard said he wants a gift from Robin. He said he wants to be able to interview her new boyfriend. Robin said no and then said that she doesn't have a boyfriend. Howard said he wants that guy on the show. He told Doug to get him that as a gift. Robin said he's not talking to anyone in her personal life. Howard said he knows that Robin has personal needs. Artie said that she probably needs him to shut up about now.
Artie asked if that guy is even in her life right now. Robin said she won't answer until Artie can come to work for a full month without missing a day. Artie said he'll do that.
Howard asked Robin if this 25 year old is as deep as Jim Florentine. Robin said that she won't be saying anything about Jim and she doesn't recall saying anything about him before.
Howard said he's known Robin for over 25 years and he knows when she's not right. Robin said he doesn't notice a thing. Howard said he knows when she's miserable.
One person wanted Artie to die already so they could get another person in to replace him. Some people went off on Howard and Robin for not shutting the fuck up about Artie. They said that might be the reason Artie lies about going to rehab.
Howard said there was one where the guy went off on Artie for treating the people who care about him like shit. That guy suggested that they crack down on Artie's behavior and not let him get away with this stuff anymore. One guy said that Artie is gay. Howard said he's never thought Artie was gay. Robin said that could be it because Howard has said that being gay can really be a problem for some people to deal with.
Artie said that a deaf, dumb, blind Monk from Tibet could tell you that High Pitch Mike was gay. Howard read one e-mail about Artie where the guy said that Howard is mommying Artie like a big, fat walrus. Howard said that letter went on and on but he didn't read through it all.
Howard and Fred performed a version of ''I Am The Walrus'' where Howard sang about vowels and the Dewey Decimal System. Howard said he had to play some of the stuff they played the day Artie wasn't in. Howard played some of the Green Day re-makes that this guy made where he sings about going to the library and reading.
Artie said those songs were awful when he heard a couple of clips. Howard had a bunch of others that were similar but to other rock songs from the 70s and 80s. They were all awful.
Howard said his angle would be race. He said he would go to schools and sing about how you should love one another. Howard said they had a whole thing going the other day when he and Fred were performing together. Howard and Fred tried doing some more but Howard told Fred he was kicking him out of the band after a few seconds. Artie got in on the song and started to sing about not using certain words to describe people. Howard said they can't do it that way, they have to teach the kids not to use those words.
Artie and Howard sang a bunch of new lyrics that they were making up on the spot. Fred played guitar behind them and played a couple of Green Day songs for them to sing along to.
Shuli said they have a story about George Takei finishing up ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here'' that he was doing recently. He finished behind another guy. Shuli said that Brent Hatley from Bubba the Love Sponge's show had a cyst removed from his vocal chord. He's unable to speak for at least two weeks.
Shuli said that they have a story about Robin being named one of the most popular celebrity charity money raisers. Howard said that it looked like Shuli was packing on the pounds. Shuli said he thinks he looks better than when he first started working there.
Howard asked Shuli if he's getting laid. Shuli said he is and he's got a great girl. Howard said he never pays attention to who people are with and he doesn't think that he's ever met her before. Howard said they might have to have a game where they try and guess who Shuli is dating. He said he heard that she won the cookie party contest. Shuli said that is true.
Shuli also talked about the way the guys look at his girl that's really creepy. He said that they look like they're eye raping her.
Howard said he heard that Ralph went on vacation with Sam Simon to Hawaii. Howard said he heard the stories from Ralph and then said he'd see him the next week. Then Ralph joked that it was ''back to the grind'' the next week.
Artie said that Sam must be picking up the room for Ralph that Sam used to offer to him. Artie said he always felt like a leach taking stuff from Sam like that. He said he can't be picking up the flight too. Howard said he thinks he is picking up the flight. Shuli said he thinks that he must be.
Howard went to Jon Hein and had him give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through the list of things they were going to try and cover today.
Howard played a clip of Jillian Barberie talking about the dinner that Ralph put together for a bunch of celebrities. She told a story about Ralph asking if her co-host on the show she does had fallen into a bowl of ashes with the hair he's got on his chin. Ralph apparently put this dinner together with Jillian, Natalie Maines, Sandra Bernhard and a few other people.
Jon brought up the 25 year old that Robin may be dating and said that he thinks that she still is going out with him. Howard said he likes the loose, fun Robin. He said he's not sure why she's been so uptight on the show.
Robin said that she lost someone close to her recently and that kind of made her upset. She said that she's been working hard lately too and hasn't been home for the past month or so. Howard said that he demands that she stay home or at least bring that guy out on the road with her.
Robin talked about the funeral she went to and how she broke her vegan thing so she wouldn't be a problem with them out there. She said that it was a ''problem'' so Artie pointed that out to her. Robin said that she ate some cheese and almost threw up when she tasted an egg in the potato salad. Howard said that maybe that's why she's so cranky. Robin said that's out of her system by now.
Howard said he was sorry to hear about what happened to her this weekend. He said that she might just be back to milk tomorrow if she had egg over the weekend. Robin said she doubts that.
Robin said that Wednesday is ''call into work gay day'' and people are going to be calling in sick that day to show how important they are to their jobs. Artie said that he's going to make sure he's there on Wednesday, even if he's on crack.
Robin had some audio of a woman telling people to call in and tell their bosses that they're feeling a little queer that day and that they're not able to come in.
Robin had a story about Oprah Winfrey's weight. She said that someone told her that Oprah had outed herself about her weight going up on her show. Robin said that Oprah has admitted in her magazine that she weighs 200 pounds. Howard wondered why she looks like she's 120 pounds on the cover of every issue of her magazine.
Robin said that Oprah is claiming that this might be a thyroid problem. Howard said that there is no such thins and no one in Africa has a thyroid problem. Robin said she thinks she could help Oprah but she won't get in touch with her. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
After the break, around 10:15am, Howard came back and said that Beth was on this morning show and he blew it and didn't tell everyone to watch. Howard said the people on the West Coast might be able to catch it though. Howard said he didn't get to see it so he's not sure how it went.
JD said he saw the last bit of it and she had given a girl a make over for the show or something. Howard said that they didn't know much more about it after asking JD about it. That's what they get when they ask JD. Howard said he thought JD was in charge of watching TV. JD said he doesn't watch make over shows.
Robin read a story about a man whose dogs saved him from a fire by barking and waking him up. Howard said there was a dog in Kansas that came up with a bail out plan for the auto industry too.
Robin said a woman claims to have gone deaf after a passionate kiss with her boyfriend. Her ear drum was ruptured after the pressure from the kiss pulled the ear drum out and ruptured it. They expect her to be fine in a couple of months.
Howard said that Artie had two Klondike bars. Artie said that today is a bad day because he's eating too much. He said he's all nervous about the therapy thing so he took a Subutex. Howard said he knew he did but didn't want to say anything. Howard said that he didn't know that he was still on the stuff. Artie said he was off of it but got back on it. He said he doesn't get high from it. He said that it just blocks the need for heroin.
Artie talked about the massive amounts of food he's eaten this morning. He said that there was a ton of stuff there to eat this morning so he was eating it all. He hadn't even eaten his bagel because there was so much other stuff to eat.
Artie said he ate late last night. He had a chicken parm at around 7 for dinner. He said it's so pathetic. Howard said he was looking in front of Artie and he had the bagel, Klondike bars, cigarettes and Subutex. Artie laughed his ass off when Howard pointed that out. Howard said they should get a picture of that. Artie said that today was just too much for him.
Artie said he had a leftover slice of Sicilian pizza at around 2 in the morning. Then he had some bread. Howard said Artie was eating the Klondike with the Reese's in it. That led to Fred playing Gary's ''Ree-Sees'' clip a couple of times.
Howard said that Benjy appears to be dieting but he's just as fat as Artie. Fred said that Benjy is just as big as Artie. Robin asked Benjy if he's envious of Artie that he can eat that stuff. Benjy said he's not envious about that. He knows he'd be bigger than Artie if he ate the same amount as he does.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a guy who pointed a gun at a neighbor when she was cheering for her team. He apparently thought she was yelling out racial slurs.
Robin read a story about this Joe Satriani case against Coldplay for allegedly stealing his music for their hit song ''Viva La Vida.'' Howard said that the lead singer of Coldplay said something back in a 2005 article about how they were good but they're also good plagiarists. They're now being sued by about a dozen bands who think they ripped off the same song from them.
Robin read a story about Reverend Wright and how he's come out against Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She responded to him on The View so Robin had Howard play some audio of that.
Howard said that Artie was enjoying himself there with his Klondike bar. Artie said he was preparing for his Upper GI. He said he actually has to fast for that and he figures he'll blow that as well.
Robin read a story about a 14 year old that has been charged with sexual assault. He apparently touched a girl's ass. Robin said that happened all the time when she was growing up. Howard said he never did anything like that. The kid was 13 at the time and he could end up being marked as a sex offender if he's convicted of the crime.
Artie said that they used to do a Benny Hill where they'd slap people on the head. He said they never touched girl's asses or unhooked their bra like this kid did. Howard said that it does sound like a sexual perversion so he agrees with him being marked as a sexual predator.
Artie said he remembers guys doing the ass grabbing thing to girls. Howard said he never did that stuff. Robin figured he was too high when he was in school. Howard said he knows right from wrong and he would never do that to a girl.
Robin read a story about the Supreme court blocking a case about some people who think that Barack Obama isn't a citizen of this country. Robin said that the Supreme Court has declined to take the case. There are people who want his Hawaiian birth certificate to be released from the safe it's being kept in.
Robin read a story about Caroline Kennedy and how she may be named Senator from New York. Howard said there would be a huge uprising if she is named.
Robin had some news about some hearings going on about the 9/11 attacks. There are people who are going to plead guilty to the crimes and the judge is wondering if they have to take the death penalty off the table if they do plead guilty.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said he was concerned about Artie eating too much. He wanted to come over and pick up the Klondike bars so Artie wouldn't eat them.
Robin asked Howard how long the Personal Computer has been around. Howard thought about it and said that he thinks it's at least 30-40 years old. Robin said it was 40 years ago that they showed the first PC to people. Artie asked what year the first commercial cell phone was put out. Howard thought about that one for a short time and guessed 1989. Robin said it was 1992. Fred said 1980. Artie said that it was 1983. It was one of those big things back then.
Robin said the most dangerous place in the world for aid workers is Somalia. Artie said that's what he would have guessed. Robin said they're suggesting that Barack Obama take a look at that when he gets into office.
Howard said he'd like to know who the first asshole was to type in ''LOL'' in a text message. He said he's never done that himself. Artie said that he gets that a lot from people who text him. He said that hot chicks tell him about all of that bullshit. Howard told him about the smiley face :) and Artie had no idea what that was. He thought that was people fucking up and typing in stuff they didn't mean to.
Robin read a story about the F-18 that crashed on Monday and crashed on it's way back to the air force base. It destroyed two homes when it crashed and one child is still missing. Howard said that would be the worst sitting in your house and all of a sudden a plane crashes into it.
Robin said that Ford Motor Company isn't going to be taking any bail out money like GM and Chrysler is. Ford found that they don't need it right now and they don't face a near term liquidity problem. They hope not to lose their competitors because that could effect them all. Robin had some other news about Rick Wagoner possibly stepping down from GM.
Robin said that FOX TV showed some nudity during a post-game show. They were in the locker room or something and a guy's big dick was hanging out. Howard had a picture of it that he showed to the guys. Now FOX is in trouble over that. Howard said that was all the guy's dick too and it was apparently pretty big. Artie got a laugh out of that when he saw the picture. He said it's like 9 inches flaccid. Howard had to end the show a short time later, right around 10:55am.
Jason came in and said that he thinks that the three they had today were the best of the 15 finalists they narrowed it down to. He said that they lucked out that they all showed up today.
Gary said that he thinks that everyone liked Whitney's tape that she sent in. Gary said that all three were working comedians so that's why they were so polished.
Gary said that today was tough because he has so much respect for comedians and what they do. Gary said he felt guilty about voting today because he thought they were all great and didn't want to vote against anyone. He said that all three were hot but Esther was the hottest to him. He said that Whitney was very sexy but April did a little better in her stand-up act.
Jon said he felt like April had a great interview so that might be why they voted for her. Gary said that Whitney had a great interview too though. Jason said he thinks that April deserved the win because her tape was the only one that he really busted out laughing out loud when he watched it.
Gary said that if they had given the girls 10 minutes each then maybe things would have been different. She started out slow but maybe she would have picked up in the 10 minutes.
Jon asked if this dispels the myth that there are no funny chicks out there. Gary said that he thinks there are more funny chicks out there than they think there are. Jason said that these girls were the cream of the crop and the rest of the stuff they got was pretty much shit. Jason said he's not sure that the quality level would have been any better even if they didn't have the hottest chick part of the contest.
The caller thinks that Howard doesn't have Artie's back on the show so Artie has to go out and make money doing these comedy gigs and that's what pushes him to do this stuff. The guy went on and on about what Artie is making and how they don't pay him all that much there at the show and he has to make it out on the road. Jon and Gary had to cut the guy off. Gary said that Artie doesn't ''have'' to do the shows. He does them to make money.
The caller started to go on and on about Artie's contributions to the show and how they don't give him enough credit for that. Jon said that they do think that Artie is brilliantly funny on the show. Gary said that this show isn't a partnership. He said that what Artie makes has nothing to do with the kind of money Howard makes.
That led to Jon talking about Gary's paycheck that was sent to Artie. Jon said that led to Gary and Artie talking about how they felt about each other and how tense that was. Gary said that he was already over the paycheck thing but he thought that Artie had an axe to grind with him. That's what he brought up today.
Jason said that Artie didn't have the check with him and he probably mis-spoke about that. He said that he also felt bad about Lisa G being hung out to dry all by herself there. He said that Artie was talking about it to a lot of people and he knows that it bothered Gary. Gary said it did bother him at the time.
Jason said that he's sorry he said what he did about Artie having the check with him that night. He said it was a year and a half ago and he didn't remember it right.
Gary said that he was feeling weird about what people were saying about him riding Artie's coat tails. He said that really bothered him too and he thought that Artie was upset with him about that. Jason asked where he got the idea that Artie was upset with him. Gary said he just had that feeling and thought that he was mad at him.
Gary said that he thinks that he and Artie need to go out and just sit down and have a lunch or something to talk it out. He said that he's not sure that will ever happen though.
Jon played a clip from the segment where Gary and Artie were talking about all of the stuff that was going on between them and Artie was claiming that he's paid to joke about that stuff on the show. Jason said that Artie always goes there when he's defending himself and he claims that it's his job to joke about that stuff.
High Pitch Mike came in and said that he never saw any check and he doesn't think that Artie was showing anyone the check. Mike said that Artie was supposed to go out to dinner with Howard and Beth that night and he wouldn't have had it with him. Gary said that the conversation was more about why Artie was going around talking about it at all.
Jason asked what the time line was with Gary and the check. Gary said that he didn't find out about it until Artie was already telling people about it. He said he didn't know about it ahead of time.
Jon took another call from a guy who agreed with Gary about the whole paycheck thing. He asked Gary if he's upset about what Artie gets away with on the show. Gary said that he doesn't think it's jealousy but he is kind of bummed that Artie gets away with what he does on the show. He said that Artie has his own rules there at the show but he doesn't buy into that. It doesn't fit in with their standards there at the show.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he agrees with the way Robin is treating Artie and that's the way the rest of them should be treating him. He said he thinks they should get rid of him and send him back to the docks. Gary said they don't have to get rid of him and Robin is just handling things the way she feels she should. The guy said that he bets Gary feels similar to the way Robin feels but he's not letting that come out.
The caller said he can't even believe what Artie wrote in his book now that he knows about his lying. He said that he's not sure that those stores are even true now that he's heard about all of the other lies he's told.
Teddy said that he got a text from Artie saying that he hated the way Jason was saying that he had that check with him and he demanded Teddy say it on the air. Artie apparently wrote ''Say it. Asshole.'' in his text. Jason apologized for that once again.
That all led to the guys talking about Robin's anger lately. Benjy said that he thinks that there have been some family things going on and she's been kind of going off on Artie about this stuff quite a bit. Gary said that she's almost like a visionary when it comes to that stuff.
Jason thought it was wild that Robin went off on Howard about the Secret Santa thing because he was interviewing the kid that he's got to buy a gift for. Jason said that the whole idea of the Secret Santa thing is so you don't have to buy gifts for everyone. Gary said it was also about making something to do on the air. Jason said Robin was saying the purpose of the bit was something else and he's not sure what it's really about.
Gary said that Howard should clarify something about this whole thing too. He said that he claims it's not about the money and he's not even the one going out to buy the gift. He said that he's not sure what Howard is doing. Jason said that Howard just used to get attacked on the air when he would buy gifts so he just threw up his hands and gave up after too many complaints.
Jon took a call from a guy who went off on Gary about the way he waited until now to confront Artie on the air about the paycheck thing. Gary said that Artie had something with him too so they were both holding back on that stuff. The caller thought Gary got his feelings hurt and that's why he brought it up today.
The caller told Gary to just move on with his life and get over it instead of going on and on about it. Gary said that Artie was doing something he didn't like so he pointed that out to him. The caller said that anyone with an addiction is going to lie about stuff and you can't take it personally.
The caller was also saying that he thinks High Pitch Mike is more of a man than he ever thought he was now that he's come out of the closet. He said he used to hate it when he was on the air but his opinion has changed since he came out.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he thinks this thing is going to continue with Artie and he's going to continue to cycle through this stuff over and over again. Jon asked what they're supposed to do. The caller said that when it's work related they should suspend him from the show or something. He said that he's out of control and they have to do something about it.
Jason said that Howard told Artie he could take time off if he needed to go to rehab but Artie has to grab that offer and take it if he really wants to get help.
Gary said that if Howard went to Artie and told him not to come in for 5 days, would that be a wake up call or would it irritate Artie. Jason said that it would probably be both. Jon said that he thinks that it would irritate Artie. He doesn't know that tough love is going to work on Artie. Gary said that it might just be 5 days off to Artie.
Jon said that Artie is the one who has to say that he wants to get better and go out and do it. Gary said that legally they can't tell Artie that he has to get help. They don't know that he's got a problem at all. Jason said that MAD TV did that to him and forced him to go to rehab when he was on coke.
Benjy said that the only time he thinks Artie crosses the line is when he throws stuff at people. Jason said he's not going to talk about that, he's going to keep his mouth shut. Jason said that there are no repercussions for that stuff and when there aren't any, he's going to continue doing that stuff. He has no reason to stop it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is jealous of Artie and he's lying about it. He said that Gary wants to be Artie and that's why he tagged along with Artie to Afghanistan. He told Gary that he's good at what he does but he's not an entertainer. He said he's not a Howard Stern and he has to know that. Gary said he knows that he's not an entertainer but he was put on the Wrap Up Show because he is very opinionated and that's what they want.
Jason said that Gary is very generous as a boss and he thought the Afghanistan thing was just Gary wanting to experience the trip. He didn't get the idea that it was an ego trip or anything like that.
Another caller said he wanted to get some opinions on the stories that Artie tells in his book. He said that he was shocked by the way Artie is self analyzing and talks in great detail about what he thinks caused him to implode. He said you'd think that Artie would be able to say he learned his lesson but it appears that he hasn't learned anything and continues to do it all. The caller asked the guys what they think Howard should do or not do with Artie.
Gary said that they really don't have any reason to think that Artie is on drugs right now and they don't have any legal reason to have him tested or anything like that. Benjy said that it would be fun to do an intervention with him.
Jason said this sounds more like a management thing than something Howard should be handling. Gary said that Artie said yesterday that he tends to push people away and it doesn't appear that he's going to stop doing that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked JD about what went on during the party and what he found to be interesting. JD said it was just a cookie party. Jon said that Artie liked doing his Lisa Lampanelli impression today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it's simple what they can do with Artie. He said that they can institute drug testing there and he thinks that the only reason they don't do that is because it's interesting for the show. Jon said that he's not sure about them putting a drug test into effect there, that's more of a corporate thing.
The caller was also talking about the stuff that people don't call Howard out about on the show that he lies about. Jon said that he doesn't think he'd classify Howard as a liar based on that stuff.
Ralph called in and said that he wanted to make one point about Artie. He said that he didn't want to get sucked into the Artie vortex but he did. He said that Howard said something interesting on the air last week about Artie. He said that he was saying that when Artie is there the show is great but when he's not there it's still great. Ralph said that sometimes they might need to take a break from Artie. It's not that big of a deal when he doesn't come in. Jon said that they've said that many times and if Artie isn't there the show will go on and evolve. Jon said he agrees with Ralph on that stuff.
Jon asked Ralph about the dinner he hosted with all of those celebrities in L.A. Ralph said that he wasn't going to be in L.A. for long so he wanted to see these people and threw the party together. He said he had it at this place called Pace. He said that it was only celebrities allowed at the dinner. Ralph said that he even picked up the tab.
Ralph said that Howard joked around with him by saying ''How dare John Stamos let you pick up dinner when he has ''E.R. money.''
Jon let Ralph go and took another call from a guy who asked if Howard is letting everyone know that he's no one's boss so he doesn't have to deal with a grown man's problem. Jon said Howard has said that all along and he's not the boss, he's just the star of the show. He doesn't hire and fire people but he does have a strong hand in it all. They spent a few seconds on that and then went to break.
Howard started off the show saying Gary had an announcement to make. Gary said that Artie woke up late so he's on his way to work. Gary said he's out of gas in the Lincoln tunnel so he has to send someone to help him out and get him some gasoline. Robin said he probably ran out of gas on his way to work from Delaware.
Gary said that Steve the intern is going to get some gas and bring it to Artie. Gary was also saying that the likes that Steve graduated like 6 years ago and he's still an intern.
Steve came in and didn't seem to know he was going to get gas while they were going to rag on him. Steve hadn't even left yet. Howard asked Gary if he knew he was going. Gary said Jason had asked if it was okay to do that.
Howard said he wouldn't know what to do if he ran out of gas in the tunnel like that. That led to the guys talking about what kind of traffic jam Artie must be causing. Jason came in and said that Artie is on his way to work and he's almost out of gas and he wants Steve to help him out.
Artie called in and said that he didn't run out of gas, he's afraid that he is going to run out so he wants Steve to come down and gas up his car for him. He's not causing a traffic jam. Robin said she thought he was already out of gas.
Artie said that he was afraid that he was going to run out so he wants Steve to fill it up for him. Artie said he's passing a Hess station right now and asked if they wanted him to come up or not. Howard told him to do whatever he needed to do.
Gary said the funny thing is that Artie is afraid of running out but he's right at a gas station that he could fill up at. Howard said he could never be an intern doing the stuff they have them doing around there. Howard said he thought Steve was going to have to go find Artie in the tunnel or something.
Gary said the guy was in the front seat and didn't say one word. Robin asked if he even introduced himself. Gary said he already knew him. Fred asked if he even paid for his gas. Gary said no to that. Howard said he tried to get a job at that station too but he was never able to.
Howard said he used to listen to that station, WLIR, and they were a rock station out on Long Island. He used to hear the DJs they had working there and one guy had a weird voice so he figured he'd have no problem getting a job there.
Gary said that John DeBella worked at WLIR when he was there. There were other guys like Larry the Duck and some other people. Gary said that Larry is working there at SIRIUS now. Howard said he'd like to meet that guy. Gary said that Donna Donna was working there too.
Gary said the line up that was there were the people he listened to as a kid so it was pretty cool for him. Howard said that a couple of the guys there are working there at SIRIUS now.
Howard said that they should appoint Senator Al D'Amato back in office when Hillary Clinton leaves. Howard said that there are no term limits on that so D'Amato would be a good replacement for Clinton. Howard said that D'Amato was a good guy when he was in office and he helped fix a lot of stuff when he was in office. Howard said that they won't put him back in because he is a republican.
Howard ended up doing his Ted Kennedy impression during that discussion. He said that Caroline Kennedy is the name that's being thrown out there to replace Hillary Clinton. Howard talked about that for a short time.
Howard read a story about this governor Blagojevich they were talking about. He was arrested yesterday for corruption. Howard said that a lot of guys are involved in stuff like that.
Howard read a quote from the guy and he was saying that a Senate seat is a fuckin important thing that you just don't give away. Howard said he sounds like a mob guy when he says stuff like that.
Howard read through the stuff in the article about how corrupt this guy allegedly was. They said that Spitzer didn't seem so bad after reading this stuff. Howard said that all politicians are on the take but some are worse than others. He said that they're all multi-millionaires when they get out of office. He said that most guys wait until they get out of office before they collect though. This guy was just getting an early start.
Howard talked about the FCC guys too and how they all get out and get a job in the broadcasting industry. He said that they're ruling on big decisions, like him, and they're getting jobs in the industry they're supposed to be regulating. Howard said that's how you get out and go play golf for the rest of your life. Artie said that they should have rules about not getting a job in the industry for 15 years after you get out. Howard said that would end anyone wanting to run for something like that.
The guys talked about how this governor should have waited until he was getting out of office to do this stuff if he was going to do it. Howard read through some more of the article where they talked about how his phones were tapped and how they arrested him at 6 in the morning.
Howard said he likes when they give you the details of what the guy said and stuff like that. They said that he asked if it was a joke when they arrested him. They didn't cuff him because they didn't want his kids to see him like that.
Howard said the governor is also accused of trying to take funds from a children's hospital that hadn't contributed to something he expected them to. Howard said that no appointment that this guy has made is going to be taken seriously now.
Howard said he still can't believe that Elliot Spitzer was caught. He said that was the guy who was busting everyone with wire taps and stuff. Howard said that prosecuting guys for doing the same thing that he was doing was just wrong.
Howard said he's sure that his thyroid is sluggish too but he works that food off. Howard said that they're not telling you half the story and she's probably binging on cookies and stuff. Howard said she's up to 200 pounds now.
Robin said that she heard that Oprah used to keep a diary of what she would eat and she went back and looked at it after she lost some weight and realized she was eating a ton of food.
Howard asked Robin if she's the same height as Oprah. Robin said Oprah is about an inch taller. Howard asked Robin if she ever weighed 200 pounds. Robin said she was over 200 at times.
Howard wondered what Oprah looks like when she's weighing that much. He wondered if she has a big gunt and has fat rolls everywhere. He said that's what the people look like on The Biggest Loser. Howard said there's a chick on the show now that's really going to be beautiful.
Then they have 3 hideous people along side of her. He said that the other three are disturbing looking fat or thin. He said that you don't care about them being thin. Howard said they might as well just stay fat. He said one woman isn't just fat, she's a hideous person. Howard said this one girl is going to be hot and he can't wait to see how she turns out.
Howard said he wouldn't be surprised if there's a religion based on Oprah some day. He said that they'll look at her like she was some kind of Jesus-like person. Howard read some more about her fat complaints and how she talks about that in her latest ''O'' magazine.
Howard read that Oprah wants to be back down to 160 or so. He said that's still too much. Howard talked about the awful clothes she was wearing on the cover of her magazine and said that it was probably air brushed. He said all of that stuff is air brushed and no one really knows what she looks like.
Howard played an audio clip that Richard edited together where she talks about drinking Stedman's cum for her diet. There was another one where she talked about losing 237 pounds when she took a shit. Howard said that on the cover of her magazine she should be wearing a rhino's horn. Then he said that a rhino would be too light.
Howard played some more of those edited clips that Richard created. They had her saying she loves black dick, Stedman's dick smelling like cheese and onions, Stedman loving when she pees in soup and stuff like that.
Howard said they heard from the director, Darren Aronofsky, of the movie that Artie was talking about the other day. Howard said that the guy had contacted them about doing something else on the show and they might have him in to talk about what he did to Artie.
Howard said he thinks that this guy Wass may have gotten the part that Artie tried out for. Howard said that Artie was up for that part against a guy who was a door man. Artie said that he gets that because he was a longshoreman and there isn't any reason that a door man couldn't try out for an acting job.
Robin said that she read that Gwyneth Paltrow says that she never studied any acting. Artie said he went to a couple of classes but it was nothing formal.
Howard said that he read about a school that taught you how to do voice overs and stuff so he went down to check that out. He said it was horse shit though so he didn't go. He did ask for the name of a speech coach to get rid of his Long Island accent. Howard said this woman had him blowing into a bowl of hot water. He said it seemed reasonable at the time. He said he was attracted to his teacher at the time but he said she didn't seem to have any interest in him at all.
Artie said that he could never finish this acting school that was only 3 weeks long. He said he started it a couple of times but never finished. Artie said he worked with Sandi Dennis and she was great to work with.
Howard cut Artie off and said that Benjy was over there acting out of a bag. He was eating blueberries out of this bag. Fred said he had a blue stain on his lip. Artie said it was all over his teeth too. Howard said it was really strange to see a bag floating in the air while Artie was talking. Howard said it was like a feed back attached to his face.
Fred said that sometimes it sounds like a tarp being moved around over there. He said that's what it's like when he's unraveling his food bag. Howard said Artie is crafting a story there and Benjy is pouring food into himself. Fred said that it's an anti-oxidant fruit and Benjy is probably trying to keep the cancer away.
Howard said he likes that Artie is fat but he's enjoying what he's eating. Benjy is eating all of this healthy food but he's just as fat.
Benjy said that he does like to eat and he feels that he has to eat a lot. Fred said that they were frozen fresh blueberries but it's the amount that he eats. He read the bag that Benjy was eating out of to see what kind of calorie count it had. Benjy said it was like 160 calories. He said he knows he eats too much.
Richard said that Benjy showed up and may have gotten yelled at for screaming out crazy stuff. Benjy said he wanted to make some presentations to the people there. Richard said they think that Benjy scared some people that didn't know who he was.
Richard said they had an open bar and some great food at the party. Benjy said he went up there and got a massive mountain of Filet Mignon. Howard asked if Scott the Engineer was invited. Richard said he thinks he was but he didn't show up. Howard said he doesn't understand that because he complains about them not having a Christmas party around there.
Scott came in and said that he wasn't complaining about the Christmas party because he thought that was good that they canceled it this year. He said they did it correctly and didn't have a party so they could save some money. They did right by the employees and gave them another day off.
Howard said Scott has no friends because he's such a glom. Scott didn't get that. Robin said that Scott walks out and doesn't appreciate the cupcakes and food that Crumbs sends over. Scott said he doesn't eat that stuff anyway. Howard said that Scott is always looking at the down side. He's a downer, that's who he is.
Howard asked Scott why he didn't go to the party. Scott said it was a work night and he goes to bed at 8 o'clock. That's why he didn't go.
Howard said that Tracy Millman was upset she wasn't invited to the party. Scott said that she was invited at the last minute. Howard said she doesn't work for them though. Gary said she does a lot of stuff for them though. Artie imagined what she would say to Doug Goodstein and did his impression of her yelling at Steve Grillo on the Intern Show.
Scott and Ronnie ended up going off on Lisa G about how she brings everyone else her cookies but doesn't give them anything even though she hangs out with them the most in Scott's studio.
Gary said that they're all in a fantasy football league and Scott was going around complaining about that when he lost. He was upset about the rules and the way things worked out for him. Howard asked why he thinks he shouldn't have been out of the game. Scott said that he had a better record than some other people so he figures he should have been left in the game. Gary said that Scott didn't have an issue with it at the start of the season, it's only after he lost that he has a problem.
Ronnie said that Scott acts like a manager of a real team when he's playing this stuff. He said he goes bananas in his studio when he's doing all of this stuff. Howard said that Scott has no life, that's why he does this stuff. Howard said this is his big event. He should be playing a fantasy life thing instead of football.
Howard asked Ronnie if he thinks Scott is jealous of him. He said he's not sure about that. Scott said he's really not. Ronnie said he likes Scott but he's just not a happy guy.
Artie said that some people get really crazy playing that fantasy football stuff. Fred said that's what caused the JD and Jared rift. They got into it over all of that stuff. Artie said he just doesn't have time to play stuff like that. He said it would be more interesting if they could put like $10,000 on a game or something.
Gary filled Howard in on the fantasy football thing and how that all works. Howard said it sounds like they have a lot of extra time to play this stuff. Gary was giving Howard all of the details for the game and what the best moves might be to have the best team.
Gary said that he's in the final 4 and it's not even about the money they win. He said that it's more about bragging rights. Gary said that he gets really detailed with this stuff and he has a way of watching his guy's stats on DirecTV that allows him to track all of his player's stats. He said the service is really cool so he can watch it while the games are on. Gary said Howard has no idea how much money is spent on this Fantasy Football stuff.
Gary told Howard about a guy who walks around in a wizard's outfit who picks players for people to pick and people actually go by what he suggests. Howard asked if he's generally right. Gary said that he doesn't follow the guy, he just saw him being interviewed.
Howard said that Jerry O'Connell was in Gary's fantasy football league. Gary said he didn't do very well. Artie said that's because he's fucking a model. Artie also said that he might be the only guy in a fantasy football league that's fucking a model. Howard said he's probably the only guy who is on his chess site that's fucking a model.
Howard asked Gary what his name is in the league. Gary said he's just Booey. Jason is ''Intensive Outpatient Rehab.'' The guys all have their own team names and weird stuff like that. Gary said that he thinks Jason's team name is the funniest.
Sal came in and said that they did something to piss him off and named their whole league ''Emotional Friends.'' That led to Sal saying that they put the ''143(I Love You)'' and emotional friend thing on the map after he brought it up on the show.
Gary talked about Jerry O'Connell being in the league and how Rebecca wanted nothing to do with it. Howard wondered how they're going to stay married living like that. Gary said that Jerry has to get up early in the morning to play video games because Rebecca doesn't want to see that.
Sal said that after his wife had the kids he could see not having sex for like a month. He said that it's after that when she doesn't have sex with him that it upsets him.
Gary said he heard that Sal was at Rick's yesterday. Sal said that he wasn't there but it's a great place. Howard asked Sal what he wants more in his life than anything. Sal said that he's happy, he's not looking to be single or anything like that.
Robin asked Sal why he stays in this marriage because it doesn't sound like he likes this woman that much. Sal said he loves her and he loves his kids. Howard told Sal he should just go do his thing. Sal said that his father cheated on his mother so he doesn't want to do that to his kids. Artie pointed out the gay shit Sal does with Richard. That's not that much different. Sal said he's doing that to make money to support the kids.
Sal said the last time he had sex was about a month ago. Howard wasn't impressed with that. Sal said that his wife always wants to ''relax'' and doesn't want to have sex with him. He said that's her excuse.
Sal also said that she calls him ''commercial break boy'' because she lets him have sex with her while she's watching Oprah but only during the commercials.
Sal said his wife will say that he has a mouth like a dog when he kisses her. Howard said he'd pull out and get the hell out of there if a woman told him that. Artie told Sal that he's not a bad looking guy and he's sure other chicks would want to bang him.
Sal said the problem with his wife is that she never compliments him at all. He said that when you have that emotional friend thing you need some kind of support. He said that on Saturday she asked him about the shower he just took like he just walked out of a mound of shit. He said she never compliments him. Howard asked if she ever just walks up and kisses him. Sal said she doesn't.
Sal said that he has women walk up to him and hug him at comedy shows and that's what he wants from his wife. Howard told Sal to just have sex with them. Sal said half of them have husbands. Howard said that doesn't matter.
Howard told Sal he's got to get out. Sal said he loves his wife and he feels that he's in a typical marriage. Howard told him to get out. Howard said that he has to get out while he can still get some out on the road. Sal said he didn't know he was going to come in and get talked into divorce.
Howard said that it might be cheaper to keep her so that's probably why Sal isn't going to get a divorce. Sal said he spoke to a lawyer and he was told that he was fucked if he did try to get a divorce. Sal wouldn't say that it was Dominic but he did Dominic's voice and mentioned the plate of spaghetti being smashed over his head.
A woman called in and said that Sal is an asshole. She said that she wouldn't want to sleep with him either. She said that her husband looked at her in a good way after she had her kids. She was insulted by Sal's comments about a woman looking like a mangled roast beef.
Howard said that Sal is still into his wife but his wife just isn't into him. The woman said that Sal is such an asshole that it's not surprising that his wife won't sleep with him. Howard said that is Christine's argument when she talks about him. Sal said that he took his wife to California over vacation and they didn't even have sex on that trip. The woman on the phone said that was his fault.
The caller said that she just read Artie's book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' and it was great. Sal said that was impressive that she can read. She and Sal went at each other for a short time. The woman said that she and her husband have a great marriage and they have no problems.
Then the woman revealed that she doesn't go down on her husband and he doesn't mind it. Howard asked if he goes down on her. She said that he went down on her once and he didn't have him do it to her ever again. She said that he didn't do it the right way and she wasn't able to walk for a week. She said that he sucked on it instead of doing what he was supposed to do. Sal said that sounds like a great marriage.
Howard asked if they just fuck. She said that's what they do. Howard asked if she lets her husband put his fingers in her. She said that he does that. Howard wanted to know what they do for their routine. Then she asked if it was Howard talking to her. Sal sighed and said that she's a dope. She said it was hard to hear on a cell phone.
The woman went on to explain the strip tease that she does for her husband and how he becomes erect immediately. Then they go up to bed and they have sex in a very loving way. She said that she's not crazy about being on top but she will do it once in a while. She likes missionary most of the time but also on the side. She said that sometimes from behind because her husband likes that the best.
Sal said that was wonderful. He said he's glad they can't see her. She was talking about having a hysterectomy. Sal was trying to insult her but he wasn't able to pronounce that word.
Howard said he guesses that if you have a girl who isn't into oral that much then you can go right to fuckin. Artie said that if a chick isn't into oral that kind of turns him off to a relationship. The caller said that they have sex multiple times a week.
Robin said that she's very loving when she has sex too. Howard asked if she likes to get eaten. Robin just laughed. She said she was shocked when she heard Howard saying that many women don't like it. Robin said she likes that and the main event too.
Artie said that he was with a woman who told him that he didn't have to feel like he had to do something like that. Sal said that he thinks it might be a sanitary thing down there and the women don't want you to catch a whiff of something nasty down there. That might be the reason that they don't want you to go down on them. Sal said that when you do get a hit of that bad puss, it's all over. Sal said he was talking about the old days, not anything that's going on now. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked the guy if she wants to have sex. Nick said that she claims she does. The times they did have sex he had to wear handcuffs because she didn't want him touching her stomach. She's so afraid of him feeling what's going on there that she made him wear those cuffs.
Nick said that he thinks his wife is in pretty good shape after having so many kids. He said he's seen other women blow up all fat after just one kid. He said she still looks like Julia Roberts to him. The guy said that she wants a tummy tuck. Howard said that those operations can make it even worse with the scarring.
Nick said that he gets blow jobs and hand jobs but not the regular sex. Howard said it sounds like this guy has to ask for that stuff. The guy said that she'll offer to do it for him sometimes. He said his sex drive has gone down a bit over the years too though so he doesn't need it all the time.
Robin said that the woman used to be able to manage it before so what's the change. Nick said that his wife is always telling him that she's attracted to him. He said he's not worried about that. He said that she's hot to him but she doesn't want him seeing what she looks like. Howard said she sounds like she's turning mental in her old age. Howard told the guy to tell his wife this can't go on forever.
Howard told the guy he has to sit his wife down and tell her he loves her and ask her what he has to do to get a sex life. He said that if that's the way it's got to be then so be it. He said that maybe she'll talk to him. The guy told Howard to get his wife on the line and he could talk to her.
Howard had Gary hook the guy up so he could have both of them on the line. Howard said that was Nick. He said he was going to straighten this whole thing out for Nick and his wife.
Howard said he's going to be very Dr. Drew-ish. He said that he's watched Celebrity Rehab and he thinks he's has enough lessons to be that guy. Howard said he wants Robin to grade him after that.
Howard killed some time while Gary tried to get the guy's wife on the line. Fred told Howard that if he could convince the woman to have sex once a week that would be impressive. Gary came in and said that he tried to call the wife but the phone rang 20 times and no one answered.
Howard got Nick back on the line. Nick said that she probably thought that it was a bill collector calling her or something. Howard had Gary go back and give it a try again. Howard put Nick on hold again while Gary tried to work his magic.
Howard had Joey G from the Sopranos on the phone. Joey was saying that he did a charity event the other day and they had a football helmet that they were auctioning off for $2,500. He said that Dominic Barbara bought it but hasn't paid for it yet. Howard said that he would take care of that after he got done with this Nick guy and his wife.
Howard got back to Nick and had his wife Tracy on the line. Howard said he's working on a lot of problems today. Howard told Tracy about what Nick was talking to him about. Howard asked if that was okay to talk about with her. She seemed fine with that.
Howard asked Tracy if Nick was an okay guy. She said that he's good when he's not driving her up a tree. Howard told her what Nick was saying about them not having sex and how she has handcuffed him when they have sex. Tracy said that her body has changed and she feels bad about it. Howard told her that Nick is still attracted to it though. She said that's sweet of him to say but she thinks that he's gorgeous and her body isn't that good.
Howard said that Nick wants penetration with her and he wants to be able to touch his wife. Nick apologized to her as Howard was saying that. Tracy said she gets self conscious when her husband touches her. Howard asked Tracy if she would agree to have sex with her husband if he wouldn't touch her stomach. She said she didn't know. She said she's miserable about her body. She said her stomach is a mess after having kids and there's no getting rid of it.
Howard said that Nick loves that ''mommy tummy'' that she has because it reminds him of the kids she's had with him. Nick said that saying that doesn't help. Howard asked her if this guy can have sex with her without being hand cuffed. She said that he can but he has to get her a tummy tuck. Howard told her that she'll have a big scar if she does that. She doesn't think that will be the case. Howard said that she's going to have a lot of problems afterwards. Tracy said that's not going to happen.
Howard told Tracy that she's going to age the rest of her life and she's never going to look 20 again. Howard said it's driving Nick nuts that he can't be with his wife.
Tracy said that she never fussed with the way she looked when she was growing up but now she wants to do that. She said she's never owned lingerie in her life. Nick said he bought her some but she refuses to wear it. Howard said that Nick can't get her a tummy tuck. She has to look him in the eye and tell him she loves him and find a way to have sex with him. He said that she has to make that sacrifice for her husband.
Howard asked her if she would wear a blouse and a mini skirt and let him bang her in that. Tracy said that she knows that the way she looks only matters to her. Howard asked Tracy if she wants to hold on to her husband. She said that she does so Howard told her that he wants it from her and she has to put out to keep him.
Howard figured that these two were just looking for money to get this woman a tummy tuck. Howard said that he doesn't feel he's being treated fairly. Artie asked how much a tummy tuck would cost. Howard figured 15 grand but Nick and Tracy said it would be more like 5-7,000. Howard said he's had it and they're just fishing for a prize here. Nick said that's not what they're looking to do.
Howard said he wants to take a look at Tracy to see this stomach. She said she doesn't want to be on Howard TV with her ugly stomach hanging out. Nick said he'll do anything to get a normal sex life. He said he wants to stay with her forever and he wants to have sex with her.
Fred told this guy that he's getting played. He said that she's using this as an excuse not to have sex. Fred said that he bets there was some fuckin going on when she was with her last husband. Nick said that she has told him that if she gets a tummy tuck then she will have sex with him. Fred said that's bullshit.
Howard told them that he's done with this. He said he tried his best. Tracy said that he hopes that things work out for Artie. She said that they don't want to hear that Artie is gone and she feels really sorry for his mom. Artie told her if she wants to help him out she should have sex with Nick.
Nick kept telling Howard he will do anything to get the tummy tuck for his wife. Howard said he'll keep him in mind for stuff in the future. Howard said that he might have $500 for them but he really had to go. He let them go a short time later. He said Nick could stay on hold if he wanted to play the game later.
Joey said that he wasn't able to use the card for whatever reason. He said he's been calling Dominic's secretary and he's been told that they haven't sent out the check yet.
Dominic said that he gave them the card number that night and they should have been able to use it. Howard asked Joey what he thinks is going on here. He said it seems that Dominic thinks he's paid for this thing and he's saying he doesn't owe them anything. Howard asked Dominic if he's upset that Joey called in. Dominic said he was fine with it and he'd give out his card number for the whole world to hear if he wanted.
Dominic said that he's going to give him $3,500 to make up for all of this and that fucking helmet. Howard said that at least he finally solved one problem today.
Howard played the first clip which was Sal asking Beetlejuice if he knows who ''Frosty'' is. All of the questions are Christmas related. Nick had to guess if Beetlejuice would know the answer. Howard said that Beet does seem to know some Christmas songs and stuff. He had some audio of him singing ''I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'' that he played real quick;
Howard played the clip of Beetlejuice saying that Frosty was the snow man. Nick had said that Beet wouldn't know who he was. Next up was ''What is the name of the holiday that black people celebrate during Christmas time?'' Nick said no way to that. Beet's answer was ''Halloween you asshole.''
Howard played the next question which was ''Whose birthday do we celebrate on Christmas?'' Nick said that he wanted to know what Fred had to say. Fred said he thinks he'll know but Nick said that he didn't think he'd know. Then Howard played the clip and Beet did know it was Jesus.
Next up was ''How does Santa get into the house to leave gifts?'' Nick said that he would know that one. Howard played Beet saying that ''They leave the doors open, what else?'' Fred said that was kind of vague so technically Beet was right. Howard said he didn't agree with what Fred said but he was going to give this guy another chance.
Howard played the next question which was ''Name this song (Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer).'' Nick said that he was thinking it was too obvious. He said that they've done things like that on the show before and people aren't smart enough to figure it out. The guys were all saying they didn't think he'd get it right. Nick went with them and said that he'll say no. Beetlejuice didn't know so Nick won. Beetlejuice said something about ''Bling the Reindeer'' or something like that. Howard said the prize was courtesy of Man Groomer. Howard said that his wife should give him sex and she could hide her belly. Nick said they just don't understand.
Howard said that if he is successful at getting everyone to cancel then they won't have a job. He said he doesn't want them to let Bubba go and he hopes that they keep him there.
Howard said that Benjy is willing to go on a hunger strike in support of Bubba. Benjy said that he could start it right now if he wanted. Howard said he can do whatever he wants. Benjy said it's worth it to keep him on and he wanted to do a fast anyway. Benjy said that he could do a weigh in now if he wanted.
Benjy stripped down to his underwear to weigh in. Artie told him not to get naked. Benjy said he just wanted an accurate weight. Howard told him to just lose weight like a normal person and not deny himself all food.
Howard said that Benjy weighed 250 pounds. He's 5'9'' tall or so. Benjy said it's more like 5'8 1/2'' so that's what they'd go with.
Benjy said that he will not eat until Bubba is re-signed to stay there. Fred said he hopes that they don't sign Bubba now. Howard said that Benjy could just eat 3 normal meals a day and lose weight that way. If he can't then he should go see a psychiatrist.
Howard ended up talking to Robin about her fake eyelashes and complimented her on her natural lashes that she had today. She also had some sparkle on her eye make up and told her she doesn't even need that. Artie said that it's like a joke on a joke. Howard said she really doesn't need it. Howard said that stuff just isn't necessary. She has a great nose and a great face. He said she's got great teeth too. Howard said he hated those fake eyelashes.
Howard said her lips are very full and sensuous. He said he likes the way she does the lipstick too. He said she frames her lips with a darker shade. Robin said it only takes her about 10 minutes to do that. Howard asked what she uses to do that. Robin said it's a lip liner and it's very easy to use. Howard asked why she draws a line around her lips. Robin said she uses a lip gloss and a lip pencil and the gloss is hard to manage if you just use that. She said the lip liner keeps it under control.
Artie said he's kind of into the sparkles. He likes strippers and they use that stuff. Robin had some on her cheek but she said that it just ends up there sometimes.
Howard said he was seeing sparkle on Robin's chin and jaw line. Robin told him he was getting crazy. Howard pointed that out and Robin told them to stop that. Robin looked for it and said that there are no sparkles there. Howard said it looked like the Big Dipper. Fred said it was the Sirius star. Howard said that Robin is looking attractive now that she's lost this weight. He said he's glad the eyelashes are gone. Robin said she will go back to them. Howard insisted she won't.
Howard said that Artie has to document all of this if he wants to report her to H.R. Howard said that he will march him down there if he really wants to complain about her doing that to him. He said they need him comfortable there at work. Fred asked if Lisa has ever touched him. Artie said that she does get very close.
A caller said that he's going to cancel his SIRIUS until Bubba starts wearing sparkles and fake eyelashes. He said that he's sick of hearing Bubba complaining about his contract. He said he should just let him go or have Bubba just get over it.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that they may have a case against Lisa because she might be doing some retaliation stuff with the reports she does about him on Howard 100 News. Artie said he's going to call him about that.
Artie spent a short time goofing around with all of that. He said he was writing down this moment that she told him about his nice eyes like he was going to report her. Howard said they had only taken one break so he had to take another one. Artie asked if they could make Benjy put his pants back on. Benjy said that he was going to do that during the break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked Robin if she was aware of this whole Paula Abdul thing. He said it appears she's gearing up to sue Simon Cowell. Howard said she was on Barbara Walters' show yesterday talking about how this stalker girl who killed herself in front of her house was brought to the American Idol show by the producers even though they knew that she was terrified of her.
Robin asked if there was anything that Paula could have done about it instead of just letting them do it. She asked if Paula was powerless to do anything. Howard said she claims that they would surprise her with it on the show.
Howard said that Paula was claiming that they make her look like an idiot by having Simon whispering stuff to her during the break and he denies doing it to make her look like a fool. Howard said that sounds crazy to him. Howard said it sure sounds like a lawsuit in the works to him.
Howard had some audio of Barbara Walters talking about this stuff on The View. Barbara was telling the girls that FOX and Simon Cowell are trying to ruin her career. Barbara said that Paula told her that they would bring that stalker on the show and surprise her on the show with that. She also claimed that they've been doing other things to her to make her look like an idiot on the show. Barbara said it seems that Paula may not stick around at Idol after this season.
Howard said that Beth worked with Paula on that morning show she was on this week and she was very nice. Howard said Beth was part of this make over thing and Paula was pushing her jewelry in that segment. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there but if he were Simon Cowell, he'd avoid Paula.
Howard said he brought up this 9 year old boy and this book he put out about picking up girls. Howard said he hates when little kids have success like that. He said that there are talented adults out there who can't get deals like that. He said he just hates seeing the kids getting deals like that.
They had this 9 year old on Fox and Friends and he was going to play some audio of that. Howard said he knows they'll never bring that kid to this show. Howard played the clip and the kid claimed he got his information from observing other kids trying to pick up other girls. The kid ended up getting discovered by the Ellen Degeneres Show and then got a book deal. Now he's got an Amazon.com best seller book. Artie said that of course this kid had to get a deal the same week he was on the Best Seller list.
Howard said he heard the kid got a movie deal out of this book deal. Howard played more of the audio where the kid talked about his other books where they talk about how to speak to mothers, fathers and Santa. Artie said that it totally demeans what he has done. Howard said he just hates when kids find success like that at such an early age.
Howard said it bums him out when he sees that going on. It makes you feel like nothing. Robin said that's like Billy Ray Cyrus who has a kid who makes it look easy to make tons of money while he's struggling.
Artie said that he remembers a woman bringing in a 14 year old kid to do a stand-up comedy routine and the parents think that the other comedians are going to be nice to him. Meanwhile they all hate the kid.
Howard said they need to get this 9 year old to mentor JD. He wondered if they'd do that. Fred said it's odd how they're teaching a 9 year old to do something that's very sexual. He said that's very odd.
Eric asked if they had seen the Frank TV bit yet. Howard said that was the Frank Calliendo show that they mentioned Eric on. Howard said that no one cares about that. He said he did see it himself but no one else cares about seeing it. Howard said it wasn't really that interesting. He said the guy kind of sounds like him.
Howard said he wouldn't have played this but Eric is calling in and demanding it every day so he'll get it out of the way. Howard played the clip and the guy did an impression of Howard talking about various things like Andy Rooney would do. He threw in an Eric the Midget mention at the end of the bit.
Howard asked Eric if he was happy now. Eric thanked him for playing it. Then Eric said that Natalie Maines is being sued by some guy for defamation. He said that she's being sued for something she said about some guy. Howard said he really didn't care about that story when he read about it. He said that Eric cares because he's mad at Natalie. Eric said she's a stupid bitch that can't keep her foot out of her mouth.
Artie told Eric to go and fuck himself. Howard asked Eric how bad he's jonesing for the Bunny Ranch. Eric said he might be up there next week. Artie told him to bring his wallet. Eric said that he doesn't need his wallet. He said he's pretty sure he's going to get another freebie. Eric is hoping to get Haley and Cherry again when he goes.
Howard said Eric is like those guys who go to Rick's and get a ''wife'' there. They pick one woman and stick with them instead of experiencing all of the women.
Fred said he hopes that Eric pays taxes on these gifts that he gets from the Bunny Ranch. Eric said that he doesn't file taxes. Howard said he doesn't think that midgets have to pay taxes. Eric said that he doesn't pay taxes but he's sure that other little people have to pay taxes if they have jobs and businesses. Howard said that would be funny if midgets didn't have to pay taxes. Howard said that of course they do have to pay taxes. Howard said Eric is on disability so he may not have to pay taxes.
Artie said that he probably has to pay taxes on those pictures he sells. Eric said that he doesn't know if he has to pay taxes on that stuff.
Howard thought it was Eric's birthday recently. Eric said it's actually March 11th and he had just said that he went to the same strip club he went to on his birthday. Artie said that must be known as 3/11 to his parents. Eric told Artie to fuck off. Howard said he had to let Eric go after that. Eric said he hopes to call back from the Bunny Ranch next week when he's out there. Howard told him to get some new girls and not just stick with the same ones. He asked if he's still talking to them. Eric said that he has their cell numbers and he does talk to them. Eric said he texts them.
Howard asked Eric about the text messages and what they say. Eric said that they tell him they miss him and stuff like that. Howard and Artie ended up goofing on the girls and how they probably cry when they think about having banged Eric.
Howard asked Eric when he's going up to the Bunny Ranch. Eric said he'll be going up on Sunday and he should be there until Tuesday. Howard said he can hear the cars peeling out and leaving as Eric is arriving. Fred said he pictured a ''Out of Business'' sign hanging on the door when Eric gets there.
Howard asked Eric where he stays out there. Eric said they have bungalows there for guests to stay in. He said that he can stay there. Artie said they're called ''Jizz Sponges.''
Howard asked Eric if the girls spend time with him in there. Eric said that the last time they didn't but he thinks that they are allowed to.
Howard asked Eric if his roommate got laid. Eric said that he didn't but he did get to meet the girls. The guys figured that since his room mate doesn't get on the radio, he's not getting laid for free. Howard said that it sounds like Eric is in for some fun.
Artie told Eric to make sure they call them with any more unwatchable sketches that he's mentioned in. Howard asked Eric who he would choose to save out of Haley and Cherry if they were on a boat and it was sinking. Eric said ''Oh man... why do you have to put me on the spot like this?'' Howard told Eric to give him a quick answer. Eric said it would be Haley since she was the one he was with first. He said that's the only reason he's going to give. Howard said that those two girls would throw Eric off the boat before he could save either one of them. Howard said that they would choose to save each other before they'd save Eric. They might even throw him off even if the boat wasn't sinking.
Howard asked Eric who he would save on a sinking boat, his parents or Haley. Eric sounded really nervous and said he wasn't going to answer that. Eric said he shouldn't have answered the last one either. Howard said that he thinks that even his parents would throw Eric overboard if they had to pick someone to save. Howard said that both Haley and Eric's parents got fucked by Eric.
Fred was playing the theme music from Titanic and threw in some ''Ack, ack'' and ''Redrum'' audio clips while they were talking about all of that.
Howard said Eric should do a remake of Titanic. Eric said that he's writing something that he's 38 pages into now. Howard said that they could do a Sophie's Choice type of thing but call it ''Eric's Choice.'' Howard turned up the Titanic music and talked up that movie. Howard said it would be the big follow up to ''Dougie the Puggie.''
Howard said he thinks he might write that for Eric to star in. Eric said he's writing something based on his visit to the Bunny Ranch. He said that some of it is based on reality and some of it isn't. Howard said that he should call the story ''Ambien'' because it's putting him to sleep. Eric said he's calling it ''You Hooked My Heart.'' Artie told him to call it ''Clay Aiken'' because it sucks cock.
Howard said he's going to write up the ''Eric's Choice'' and maybe they can get those two hookers in there for him. He said that they'll have to get a different song than the Celine Dion song to play. He said they'll have to change it around just enough to make it a bit different.
Fred played the Celine Dion song again and Howard described what would be going on during the scene. He said that they could have Cherry walking into the room to meet Eric while the music was going.
Eric said he didn't know why he chose Haley over Cherry because he gets messages from Cherry telling him that she misses him. Howard said maybe he should call her now and let her know that he made a mistake and he would have actually saved her. Howard told Eric that by saving one of the girls, he's actually saving the one he throws over because she doesn't have to fuck him anymore.
Howard ended up playing some edited together audio clips that Dan the Song Parody Man created. They had a bunch where Eric was asking for cock and things like that. While all of this was going on the Celine Dion song was playing in the background. Howard was goofing on Celine and talking about how awful her face looks. He said that she tries really hard to look good so at least she's trying. Howard said she does better than those people on The Biggest Loser.
Howard and the guys mentioned Kendra, the girl that Eric fell for last year, and Eric asked them to never bring up her name again. He said that they were right about her last year and she ended up never contacting him again in any way. Howard said that of course they were right. Howard told Eric not to fall in love with these whores either. He said it's fine to go out and bang them but not fall in love with them.
Howard asked Eric what he wants in his life, a wife or a steady girl. Eric said he would like that. Howard asked what happened with the modeling agency where they were going to lock a girl in his house for a year. Robin brought that subject up.
Eric said that he was going to have the girl live in an apartment nearby and not in his apartment. He said that it would be in an apartment nearby or in his place. Howard asked where in his house he could put her. Eric said that all three bedrooms are taken in his place so it would have to be in an apartment nearby. Howard said that the plan was to get the girl to fall for him and move in with him.
Howard told Eric not to fall in love again. He told him to just go out and have a good time. Artie said that sometimes the heart just wants what the heart wants and he may fall in love. Eric said he's been told that there are a bunch of other girls who want to be with him. Artie said that there are girls who need to pay their crystal meth dealers. Eric said that just because Artie is a junkie doesn't mean that the girls are. Artie said that he doesn't have to blow guys though.
Howard said that Jillian Barberie's husband is in that production. He said that Mary Jo Buttafuoco is in it too. Howard said that John and the cast from the show did a live version of it on some show. Artie said he might have to take some medication to calm him down if he's going to play it on the air. He said he may laugh so hard he'll explode.
Howard played the clip and Artie started to laugh right away. Howard said the visual is even better. Fred did more of his John impression. Gary said that they're only doing it for two nights. Gary said that the lead female in the play used to be on E.R. and she's actually able to sing. Gary said that the visual was great because John was doing a Popeye thing and dancing around all goofy.
Artie asked if they're doing it seriously. Howard said that John is taking it seriously enough to take the lead role in it. Howard and Fred did more of their stuttering impressions for a short time.
Artie said he didn't know John thought of him that way as a musical comedy performer. Howard said of course he does. Howard asked what they think happens to John when Jay Leno moves to 10 o'clock on NBC. Howard also wondered what Jay thinks when he sees that stuff.
Artie said that he loves John and his wife but there's no way someone who's funny for a living can look at that and not make fun of it instantly. Gary said he's doing it for charity. Artie said he knows but he's playing the lead in ''Grease!'' He said that if he did that he would expect his comedian friends to laugh at him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is like his daughter's doing a play at home and thinking they can do it in public. The caller said he wanted them to do a countdown before they played the clip.
Howard and Fred continued to goof on John singing the songs from the play with some major stuttering. Fred was doing his classic impression where John sounds like he's choking on the words.
Gary said that they were discussing John in the office and both he and Jon Hein think that they won't keep John on the show. Jason and Will think that Jay will keep him. Howard said he thinks that John has job security because Jay made such a big deal out of taking him away from the Howard Stern Show.
Howard said that John also has that mug holding thing he does at the start of the Tonight Show and Jay doesn't want to give that up. Fred did an impression of that and had the guys laughing. Artie said he hopes he keeps his job because John does have 3 kids now.
Gary said he saw a really dark version of Grease that the CP center across the street from his mother's nursing home was doing. Howard said he'd rather see that than this thing that John is doing.
Artie said he'd rather see ''Grease II'' than this one. He said that was the one with Adrian Zmed. Howard asked Fred to do some more of his John impression where he's singing ''Summer Lovin.'' Fred did that for another few seconds.
Howard said that Tim Stack, from Son of the Beach, is getting tickets to go see John do that. Howard said Tim told him he had to go see it. Fred said it's like going down to see Ground Zero at the World Trade Center after 9/11. It's something you just have to go see.
Howard interviewed Fred as if he were Stuttering John talking about the play. Fred continued to choke on his words for a couple of minutes. Fred joked that John has to hold up the Tonight Show mug in the play so people know who he is.
Howard said that he's starting to think he could get this Ming Na to do ''Eric's Choice.'' She's the actress from E.R. that's in this Grease thing that John is doing. They had to go to break a short time later.
Shuli said that Ivy Supersonic made an appearance in court yesterday. She faces 5 felony counts on the charges she's up against. The cases have been postponed until June. Howard asked Benjy if he's still friends with her. Benjy said that he had her over for Thanksgiving and she's really a lot different now than she was a year ago.
Shuli said that Jeff the Drunk is reaching out to Artie offering to let him come out and do a show with him since Artie's show for New Year's Eve has been canceled. Howard said that might be the most brilliant thing Jeff has done.
Shuli said that 17 years ago today Jackie the Joke Man walked out on the show, for one day, over contract negotiations. More on that can be heard during the History of Howard Stern Act II special that's going to be airing starting December 22nd. Jon Hein came in and ran through his Wrap Up Show preview quickly after that.
Howard said that Artie was eating a lot today. Artie said that it was another bad day for him so he's eating a lot of food.
Robin started her news off with a story about dogs getting jealous. Howard said he knows what that's like because his dog is like that and doesn't like him and Beth being together or even him being around other dogs. Howard said she'll push other dogs away. Robin said that a study was done and they found that dogs do show resentment and so do monkeys.
Howard said he thinks that Robin is going to get a dog next. Robin said she loves cats but she really doesn't want a dog. Artie said he's going to buy her one. Robin told him not to.
Robin said that there may be a suicide shown on French TV soon. Howard said that he saw the R. Bud Dwyer suicide clip and that image has never left his head. Howard said that and the Iranians beheading that American was just too much. He said that it's such a horrific memory that it never leaves your mind, ever. He said he'd have to suggest that they not show that kind of stuff on TV. He said suicide is one thing but executions are another. He said that executions are more entertaining.
Artie said that his mother has said to him that she wishes that she could have been there when he was suicidal so she could ask him why he was so low. Artie said he thinks that when you see someone so desperate with that look in their eye, it's much different than an execution.
Robin read a story about a minister who was depositing $1 million and prayed over it. Not too long after that a businessman asked him how much he needed and ended up giving it to him. Howard said that's bad news because every schmuck out there is going to pray over that stuff instead of going out and getting a job.
Robin read a story about men's sperm and how the smarter the man is the better quality the sperm is supposed to be. That led to the guys talking about dumb people they've met and how they will never get any smarter in life.
Robin read a story about how interrogators over in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay use music to torture prisoners. She wondered what kind of music they play for them. The guys said that it's probably rock music. Robin said that it's Enter Sandman by Metallica, Bodies by Drowning Pool, a bunch of AC/DC songs, the Barney ''I Love You'' song and a bunch of others.
Robin had a story about a high school student who was planning on killing some of his classmates and then himself. They caught him before he was able to do it.
Robin had a story about actor Mark Ruffalo's brother dying. She said that they're saying that he may have died after playing Russian Roulette.
Robin said that the 8 year old accused of killing his father and a room mate has people pushing for one of the murder charges to be dropped.
Robin had a story about Greg Maddox calling it quits on his baseball pitching career. She had a story about Sarah Palin doing an interview at a Turkey farm where they were slaughtering them right behind her. That happened last month. Robin said the video has sold to a high bidder on ebay and it sold for just $225. Howard said it's all over the internet.
Robin said that Fantasia Barino from American Idol has a home that's being foreclosed on. That led to Howard talking about how she didn't have the ability to be a star. She didn't have the right look. Robin said that she's got some houses and some expensive cars as well and she's losing that stuff. She didn't end up making enough to cover all of that stuff.
Robin read a story about the OJ Simpson trial and the other four guys who were involved in the case. They all made plea deals while OJ didn't and got jail time.
Robin had a story about some astronomers who figured out that Jesus was actually born in June. Robin also mentioned that today as call out of work ''gay'' day. Howard said that one guy there came in sick today and he thinks he came in just because he didn't want people thinking he was gay.
Robin read a story about the F-18 that crashed into some homes out in California. One man lost his whole family in that crash. He lost everyone that was in his house.
Robin had some stories about NASA wanting to go to the moon to figure out how life started on Earth. She had some more on Paula Abdul as well. She had some more on Governor Rod Blagojevich. They had to take a break after that.
After the break, around 10:35am, Howard had Robin get right back to her news. Robin asked about Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno. Howard said he knew that Jay was going to stay at NBC. He said that he thinks that Jay won't even leave the Tonight Show, he'll just stay and they'll have to pay off Conan O'Brien not to do the Tonight Show. Howard said he thinks that Conan will still get what he wants even though he's still going to be following Jay. Robin had some audio of Jay talking about his new 10:00 show that he's going to do instead of the Tonight Show. She also had some audio of Conan talking about how he's happy that Leno is staying at NBC. He also said it's great that Jay has been his lead in for the past 16 years and he's looking forward to keeping that going. Howard said he still can't believe that Leno is beating Letterman.
Robin brought up Fran Drescher talking about possibly taking Hillary Clinton's spot as a senator. Howard did his Ted Kennedy impression saying ''Er-uh No way!'' to that suggestion.
Robin had more about Oprah Winfrey and her weight problems. She had some audio of her talking about being frustrated with her weight gain. Howard suggested she just close her mouth and not eat so much. Fred threw in some elephant sounds after Oprah said she felt that there was a big brown elephant in the room that wasn't being talked about.
The fat talk led to Artie saying he has a morbid curiosity about what being 400 pounds would be like. Howard said that he'd end up like Bubba with his wife wiping his ass with a towel. Artie said he really doesn't want to get that heavy but Howard seemed to think that he was heading in that direction.
Robin read a story about the Coldplay and Joe Satriani thing that's going on since they seem to have stolen Satriani's music. The guys in Coldplay claim that they didn't steal anything and were just as surprised as Joe was when they found out how close it was.
Robin had some news about Miley Cyrus and how popular she is. She had some news about senator Larry Craig who was found doing some crazy things in an airport bathroom. Howard said he bets that guy called out sick today.
Robin said that cancer is set to take over the lead over heart attacks for the world's biggest killer. Artie said he's still smoking and he can't give up everything. Howard told him to just quit today. He said his lungs are going to turn black. Artie threw his cigarettes out but he threw them right in his bag. Then he threw them in the garbage and threw his Hawaiian Punch in there with it. He threw away his Mambo cologne and almost threw out his iPod. He said he was going to switch to Christian Rock. Then he started looking for his cigarettes and got upset when he couldn't find them.
Robin had some news about the new ''The Day The Earth Stood Still'' movie. She played some audio of Kathy Bates talking about the movie and how great it was working with Keanu Reeves. They ended the show a short time later, around 10:50am.
Jon said they had Scott coming in and asked Gary if he thinks Scott is really happy there is no party. Gary said he's not happy about it. He said he might not be as upset as he has been in the past but he is upset.
Scott said it doesn't bother him that they're not having a party. Gary said that Scott must be up for a raise or something. He said that it makes sense for them not to have this party. Jon asked him why it doesn't apply to other things there than just the party. Scott said he doesn't know.
Gary asked Scott what bolt of lighting struck him that made him so normal about this. Scott said that he's gotten older and things have changed. He said that he's only like this with the party. The guys all thought Scott had changed all of a sudden, like a guy who just came out of a coma after a car crash.
Scott said that the company is trying to get things in order and it's a good thing to do and not throw the party.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Scott talking about that with Howard first thing this morning. That's when they asked Scott if he was jealous of Ronnie.
Scott said that he's not jealous of Ronnie and he means that. Scott was still on the party discussion and said that he's fine with the way the company is doing things as long as they don't fire him or reduce his pay.
Jason asked Scott about being a swinger when he was younger. He asked him if he'd ever want to go back to doing that. Scott said he did that in his youth and it was fine but he doesn't do that anymore. He claims he has no desire to do it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard could afford to give out gifts to people there and he should be handing out cash to some people. Gary said that things would get worse if he did that. They'd be comparing checks if they did that. The caller said he could just give everyone the same amount.
Jason said that if Scott got $500 from Howard and everyone else got the same amount, people would be angry. Scott said he wouldn't be angry.
Another caller said that Scott's kid's band gets plugged at the end of the show every day. Gary said that it's worth between 2-4,000 dollars a week so he's doing pretty good with that. Gary said that he doesn't have a daily plug and even Fred doesn't have a daily one. Jason said that Fred does with his plugs for his King Norris web site.
Scott said that he thinks his son's band, Emergency Now, is doing well. Of course they're struggling like any band would but they're doing okay. He said he wanted to play a track from their album but the guys didn't seem to think that was going to happen.
Gary asked Scott if he's doing the thing he wanted to do when he was going to school. Scott said he's not really doing exactly what he wanted to do but he's okay with that. Gary said that the second day that he met Scott he told him about how in the hole he was financially. Two days into working with the guy and he was already talking about being in the hole.
Jon asked Scott what the proudest moment in his life has been. Scott said that working on the show was probably the best. He said that he didn't have just one moment.
Scott and Ronnie also talked about kicking Lisa G out of Scott's studio. That led to Gary saying that if Lisa would bang Ronnie, he would love her. Ronnie said that he thinks that she would love him.
Ronnie said that Lisa didn't bother coming near the studio this morning. They have a sign hanging up that says she's no longer welcome there. Gary said he smells love there. He said that you don't hate someone that much without loving them. Ronnie said that Lisa just wants to get her cookie's mentioned on the show and that's why she gave them to Artie to eat.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Lisa G is taking it seriously that Artie is going to file charges against her. Gary said she said that she knows it's just Artie's way of deflecting.
Jon asked Scott about the fantasy football discussion they had and how upset he was about the rules. Scott said he's just saying that they should change the rules next season. Ronnie said he's seen Scott throw stuff around the studio when he gets upset about the way things are going with those leagues he plays in.
Ronnie said that Scott gets really into this stuff and does throw stuff around. Scott said he's just in it for fun and Will Murray is into it even more than he is.
Ronnie said that Scott was into a NASCAR fantasy league too. They did that two years but it wasn't like the football or baseball.
JD said that he was into that stuff too and it wasn't what caused him and Jared to stop talking. He said there was more to it than that but things are fine between them now. Jon said that JD is in the playoffs so he's all happy about that. JD said he actually beat Jared but it wasn't like he was all happy about that. He said that he was just happy to move on.
Jon took some calls about the fantasy football stuff. One guy corrected Gary on something he said earlier. Another guy wanted them to post a link so they could watch them playing in their league. Gary said they may do that next year.
JD said he once saw Sal asking one of the girls how her trip to see her family was. Jon said he thought Sal had said he had gone to Rick's yesterday but Gary didn't think he had been there. Ronnie said he wasn't going to say anything because he doesn't throw anyone under the bus.
The guys talked about Sal's wife and how she must be handling all of this. Gary said that she kind of laughs it all off. Benjy found it odd that Sal admitted he went to a divorce attorney but didn't admit that it was Dominic. It was like he was trying to hide that part of the story. Jon said that was kind of strange and he's not sure why he wouldn't name him.
Benjy said that it always seems like they think that Christine slept with that emotional friend guy but that has never been proven. Gary said that the guy was just an emotional friend. Benjy said he doesn't think it's that big of a deal.
The caller said that it sounds like a lot of one sided whining. The guy used Ronnie as an example so Ronnie told him to listen to him. He said that Howard is very generous to him and he never complains about what he gets him. Ronnie said that he made a donation to his charity last year. The caller said that they didn't have to get offended, he's just asking a question.
Scott told the caller that he got stuff for Howard every year until last year when Howard changed to the Secret Santa thing. Gary said that Scott gets very nice gifts too. One year they all smelled of smoke though so that was kind of weird. Benjy said he doesn't see that it's that big of a deal if people get him stuff. Benjy said he got Howard a B.U. hockey shirt one year and Howard hated it.
Gary said he was out at Howard's house over the summer and Howard told him that the kit he beat him up on the air about he ended up using. It was a nose hair trimmer kit that he finally opened up after 10 years and loved it once he opened it.
JD said that he got a suggestion from someone about what to get for Artie but he's not sure if he should get it. He said he has to talk to Gary about it.
Another caller said that he has to stick up for Lisa G and Robin. He said that Robin makes the most sense on the show about certain things. He said that it's tough to be in an environment where it's dominated by the opposite sex. Benjy asked if that makes it okay for Lisa G to do to Artie what she's been doing.
Another caller asked JD if he's gotten any of his prize money yet. JD said that it's supposed to be on it's way but he hasn't gotten it yet. He said that he will put some of it away and spend some of it. The caller asked if he's going to blow some of that money at Rick's. JD said he probably won't be doing that. He's spent some big money there before but he's learned his lesson since then. They had to go to break a short time later.
Doug said he was told to cut back on the list because last year it was too much. Doug said that there were people who didn't show up last year and there were people who only showed up for 10 minutes. That didn't sit well with the company because they were spending a lot per head to throw the party.
Doug said that he's getting a lot of flak over this. Tracy Millman came in and said that there's a lot more to this story than Doug is telling. She said that 6 weeks ago they sat in her office and talked about the party but Doug didn't tell her that she wasn't going to be invited. Doug said he may not have known back then that he had to cut back on the list.
Tracy said she thought she was going to the party and she made arrangements to get a ride with Jon Hein. She said she was there in 2006, 2007 and had a good time each time. She wasn't one of the people who left the party early.
Doug said that he was put in a position to reduce the list and he had to make some uncomfortable decisions. He said that they weren't invited to a SIRIUS party one time so he knows what it's like when that happens. He said that he's trying to throw something together for another party next week for the people who weren't invited to that party. Tracy said that would be empty to her if she was invited.
Tracy told Doug that he should have told her before hand that she wasn't invited. She would have appreciated it more if he had just let them know that they couldn't invite them. Tracy said she looked like a fuckin' asshole and she didn't appreciate that. Doug said he can't apologize enough and he can't argue with her. He said he's wrong and he's sorry about that.
Doug said he can't win with this. He said he knows he was wrong for the way he handled things but he can't change that. He said that even if he had found out people weren't coming and invited more people, then they'd think they were ''second tier'' and they'd be upset. Doug said that he's still going to get Tracy a nice gift and try to put together that party for next week.
Gary said it doesn't seem to be about the party, it's about being second tier and being left behind. Scott the Engineer said ''Welcome to my world!''
Doug said that he feels terrible about the whole thing and not just because he sees how bad these guys feel. Steve Brandano came in and said that Doug had to reduce another list this year too. Gary said that he heard about Doug fighting for the Secret Santa list thing. Doug said that just because they're not there in that building doesn't mean they should be left out of that stuff. He said it's very important to him to get people gifts.
Doug kept saying he was wrong but they kept going off on him about what he did. Jon took a call from a guy who said someone should stick their cock in Tracy's mouth and shut her up finally. Tracy said that this guy doesn't know anything about her and he can't say that. The guy told her to get an education and a gym membership. She went off on that guy and said that he knows nothing about her. The guy said that the guys shouldn't back down to this chick.
Tracy said that there are people there who will take advantage of her if she doesn't stand up to them. Doug said he felt the wrath of Tracy yesterday and he had never had that before. Doug said that he's glad he got out of that without being called a douche. Tracy told him he is a douche but she loves that douche.
Doug said that he knows that about 90 percent of the people there would come out and say something about Howard not getting them gifts. Gary said that it doesn't mean that much to him. He said he kind of misses getting gifts from him but he can see why he didn't want to be bothered anymore. He also said he thinks Howard is wrong about not being the boss there. If he's not paying them, he is their leader so he kind of is their boss.
Gary said that Letterman used to get everyone on his staff a jacket every year. That's the kind of thing that Howard could do. Doug said that it would boost morale there if Howard did get them gifts. He said that Tracy has said that she's not going to help them out as much as she has because of the party thing.
Gary said that people like to brag about what they get from their boss. He said that they call that a ''brag rag'' when they get something like a jacket from David Letterman or a Stiletto from Howard Stern.
Benjy said he's kind of surprised at the way Howard is doing this and just blowing it off and not caring about it. Doug said that he sees what Howard would have to deal with when he has to draw that line on who he gives gifts to. He's kind of feeling that today. Doug said that people know that Howard makes a lot of money and that's why they might be upset about him not buying anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Tracy should be a regular part of the Wrap Up Show. He said she's radio gold. Jon said that she's welcome anytime but she doesn't want to be on the air that much. Tracy said that she wasn't hired to be on the air so that's not what she does.
Jon asked Benjy how his hunger strike is going. Benjy said that he's not drinking food or anything, he's only drinking water. He said he's going to keep it up until Bubba is re-signed there. Doug told Bubba not to re-sign when he heard that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how the front page of his paper was Jennifer Aniston covering up her nipples and vagina in a nude photo shoot. Howard said she's trying so hard to be the life of the party in the GQ magazine layout. Artie said he digs her. He knows that they disagree on that but he finds her sexy. He thinks she looks hot in that ''Marley and Me'' movie trailer.
Howard said he thinks Jennifer is just begging people to look at her. Howard said she should just spread her legs and show her snatch already. Robin said she'll be in Playboy eventually. Howard said it looks like she wants to show her snatch and she's almost there. There's also a guy just about sniffing her asshole in one of the pictures.
Howard said that her tits look fake to him. Artie said that he knows for a fact that they're not. He said that she's always had perfect tits according to a friend he knows who went to school with her. Howard said he still thinks they're fake.
Artie wondered what those male models do after a shoot like that. Howard said they probably go out and blow each other. Artie said that's what they'd like to believe about good looking dudes like that. Howard said that the male models despise themselves because they don't make a lot of money like hot chicks do. He said it's rare for a male model to break through like a female model. Howard said that the guys usually pose as businessmen and they don't look anything like successful businessmen.
Artie said he saw a commercial for ''Guys Gone Wild'' and it's so creepy. He said that it has to be for gay guys. Howard asked what they flash in those. Artie said they start to take their pants off and you almost see what they have down there. Howard said that Jennifer Aniston is trying to show she's ready to party but she's so not.
Howard read another letter where a guy said that they get to know Jay personally out there in California because he hangs out with the people at the Rock Store every Sunday. Howard said he's not trying to turn people against the guy, he's just bringing them into his world.
The caller asked if Beth is going to run Howard's life like Sharon Osbourne does with Ozzy. Howard said it's not going to be like that and Beth is looking forward to him being around more. He said they get along great and they love being around each other. He said she didn't want him leaving bed this morning when he got up. Howard said that's really sweet.
The caller was talking about Bubba possibly leaving after his contract is up this month. Howard said that he's heard from Bubba that they're not asking people to cancel their subscriptions, the fans are volunteering to do that. Howard said it would suck if they do cancel but they have to stay there and work so they hope that doesn't happen.
The caller was saying that his satellite radio just died and he's not sure why that happens. Howard said maybe Gary can help him out and give him some VIP treatment to get him a new radio. Howard said he's had terrestrial radios that don't work and he's never asked a radio station to replace them for him.
Robin asked if they think Jennifer ever had a weight problem like she claims. Howard said he thinks she was and she's all proud of the fact that she's thin now.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Billy West was on the Greg Fitzsimmons show about 9 months ago. Howard wondered why Billy won't come on the show. The caller said that when they did that thing where they had the creator of Ren and Stimpy on to confront him may have had something to do with it. The guy said that Billy claimed that his brother died the day before that and they treated him kind of strange the day after he did that. Howard and Gary said they didn't know Billy had a brother and they sure didn't send any wreath to him. They figured that Billy may have been making that up for the show.
Howard said that Billy was a great guy on the show and he just wasn't able to work out his contract at K-Rock. Howard said he thinks that Billy is mad at him over that and he won't come on the show anymore. Howard said Billy even did voice overs for a special they ran there about his days on the show. He seemed to be happy about that.
Artie said that when Billy was on the show it was the golden age of the show. He said that he thinks that Billy may have regretted not staying with the show and maybe that's why he won't do it. Howard said that Billy was getting to the point where he was getting jobs from people like Ivan Reitman. Howard said Ivan told him that he hired Billy based on knowing him from the show. He hired him to do that movie ''Space Jam'' where he did the voice of Bugs Bunny. Howard said Ivan told him that he thinks Billy would have been even bigger if he had stayed with the show.
Artie said that he wishes that Billy did stand-up like he does because the fans would show him the love that they show him when he goes out. Howard said it's a big sadness to him that Billy didn't stick around. Gary said that Billy went out to the West Coast and became a big voice guy. Howard said he didn't want to give the impression that he didn't become successful. Gary said you hear Billy everywhere now. He had more fame with them but he probably makes more money now.
Gary said he's asked Billy to come back to the show over a dozen times and he just won't do it. He said that anyone you talk to will tell you that he holds no animosity toward the show. Gary said when someone starts off like that, he has to believe that there is some animosity. Howard thinks that there is.
Gary said that he thinks Billy wanted Howard to back him up even more but Howard said that he did. He said Billy should talk to Tom Chiusano and ask him how he was backing him up. Howard said he had to take Billy on the show as much as he could and that meant that he could only have him on the show a couple of days a week. Billy may have taken that as him not caring about what he was being paid but that's not the case.
Robin said that she remembers talking to Billy after he left and he didn't seem to have a problem with them at all. Gary said that it might be that it's been eating at him over the years. He said that it's almost pointless to ask him to be on the show anymore. Howard said that they should get the hint and stop asking him not to come on if he's going to keep turning them down.
Howard said he's not sure he'd do a talk show because he's just hire people to do comedy sketches and stuff. Howard said that he might keep the channels running there if the company wants him to do that. The caller suggested that they just cut the show back to a couple of days a week. Howard said he might do that.
Howard said that he would do a couple of days a week and maybe take the whole summer off. Howard said that if the fans don't want that then he's not going to do any show. Gary said that Barbara Walters only does one show a week. Howard said that the company would have to want that too. It would be a whole thing they'd have to discuss.
Howard said that Bubba is a real talent and they should put money into his show and keep him around. Robin said that they should think about that because Howard might be leaving in a couple of years. Howard said she's right.
Fred said that they have to think about what CBS did replacing Howard and how that didn't work out. They need to have people like Bubba around to replace Howard when he leaves. Howard said that he's heard some stories about their old Los Angeles station and how they're thinking about doing away with the talk format and going to music. He said that might happen soon too.
Howard said that he knows that they wouldn't go to music if they had that ''compelling person'' on the air they wouldn't have to go back to the music format. He said that ''compelling person'' doesn't want any part of that nonsense anymore so he won't be going back to that. The guys talked about what that ''compelling person'' would do if he was offered some ridiculous deal. Howard was saying that he doesn't think he'd do it.
Howard said that things have changed in radio since he got into it. He said that you have a better chance of being a professional baseball player than you do becoming a radio star. Howard said there are people out there with real talent and you have to go out and try it but you might be in for some heartbreak. Howard said he's met a lot of guys along to the way who had no talent in radio. Howard said the guys with the good voices can still make a living even if they don't have any other talents. He said the odds are like a billion to one to make it though.
Howard said that you have to go out and give it a try if you think you can make it. Howard said that sometimes you can go to work at Denny's and end up the CEO of the company.
Howard said that there will always be something similar in place of radio if terrestrial radio goes away. Howard said there always needs to be something in place for people to listen to. He said that not everyone wants to program their iPods to play what they want to hear. Sometimes you just want to turn the radio on and listen to music that you don't usually hear.
Howard said that they have their SIRIUS on in their house and it's great to just turn to a channel and listen to music. Robin said her whole house is wired for that so she can listen at home all the time.
Gary told Howard that he really should try loading up his iPod because it's so easy to use. Howard said he hates every song he chooses and he'd rather have someone else pick the music to play. That's why he listens to satellite radio. Fred said that it is great to tune in and hear music that you've never heard. Robin said that's why she loves it because it's music she hasn't heard in a long time or music she's never heard.
Artie said that the iPod is great when you want to hear a song from The Beatles or something that you're interested in. Howard said he just wants to turn it on and not have to mess around with something. Gary said it's not that hard. Robin said the only time to use an iPod is when she's never around satellite radio. Like on a plane.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Artie is up to something and using Hydrocodone or something. Howard said that Yucko the Clown wrote another song about Artie lying. He played the song which was called ''Artie The Big Fat Liar'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Yucko sang about all of the lies he thinks Artie has been telling on the show lately.
Artie was stuffing his face with food after that song. Howard took a call after that and the caller said the song was brutal. Artie asked who they think Yucko's wife is fucking now. He said that at least he's not weeping into a filthy clown suit like Yucko is.
The caller said that Jay Leno must have listened to the show yesterday because Jay was doing a bit about having the new 10 o'clock show being called ''Jay Leno's Private Parts'' when they move to that new slot. Howard said he didn't know they did that. He didn't have an audio clip to play either.
Howard gave Jay a big ''fuck you'' when he heard about that. JD came in and said that Jay didn't call it ''Private Parts'' it was ''Jay's Anatomy.'' The caller said that it looked just like Private Parts though. Artie said that's why they can't believe anything anyone says.
Howard talked about the days when KC was messing up on the show and calling to apologize him and stuff. Howard said he used to tell KC he didn't have any problems with him and he would just tell him everything was fine.
KC said that he did go mental and he's still mental. Robin said they could tell when he'd go on those rants about women and stuff. Artie asked her if that reminds her of anyone else on the show.
KC said he has a whole list of medications that he's on. He said he got hit in the head so he's on Depicote to stop seizures. Howard said that sometimes the psychotic breaks are considered seizures but KC said that he's really got them. KC said that he's also borderline and bi-polar.
Artie said he went out to L.A. recently and KC stopped by with his new girlfriend. Howard said KC always has a girlfriend with him. Howard said that chicks would rather go out with a good looking mental guy than a non-mental ugly guy. KC said that he's a work in progress.
Artie said that this girl is really pretty and so sweet. He went on to say that he felt like the good looking guy for a little while. KC asked to come talk to him at the Four Seasons hotel that he was staying at. Artie said he had a broad out there and they were kind of going at it when KC kept calling him. He said that he was trying to get it on with this chick and KC was bothering him.
KC said he was wondering how long it takes for a guy to drop a load. Artie said that he was doing a long, fun thing with this broad. Artie said that he was in a tub with the chick and stuff like that. Artie said that KC called him like 30 minutes later and asked what he was doing. KC said he figured that he'd be down soon, he didn't know it would take so long. Artie said that KC waited down there for an hour and a half.
Artie said that he was worried about KC because he did wait so long. He said that if it was money he would just send some down for him. That wasn't what KC was looking for.
Fred said that KC is getting laid all the time and he wonders if he would rather be good looking and mental or kind of ugly and not mental. Howard said that no one wants to be as mental as KC. He said that guy doesn't know what is real and not real.
Artie said that KC sent him an envelope with a Viagra in it when he was at the hotel. Artie said that he took the pill and was able to bang even better. KC said that sometimes you get a soggy dick and it gets 3/4 hard so you take the Viagra to help. Artie said that he took the Viagra after having sex 3 times and he was able to bang another two times.
Howard asked KC if he thought he looked bad when Artie wouldn't come down to see him. KC said it did but he understands why he was doing that to him. He was with a chick. Artie said the chick was 24 years old.
Howard told KC he should have called Artie ahead of time before going to the hotel. KC said he thought he was past that point when he went over there.
Artie said he was worried about KC when he was waiting there for him. He said that he thought he needed money but then it turned out he just needed some advice.
Howard asked KC what else he's on. KC said he's on Lexipro too. Howard asked him if he's so mental that he doesn't want to take his pills. KC said he starts to act strange if he doesn't take that stuff. He said he has to take like 8-10 pills every morning. Howard said that some people only have to take pills like once a day but KC is taking stuff like almost every hour.
KC said that he and his girlfriend are kind of having a fight because he has jock itch and she doesn't want to have sex. KC wondered if he can give that to her if he has sex with her. Howard said that he could. KC then told his girl that they just told him that he can't spread it to her. Howard asked if they could listen in as they have sex. KC said he'd let them do that.
Howard asked KC if he still does the body guard thing with the escorts out there. KC said he's still doing that. KC said that some of the girls aren't full service, that's illegal. He said that some of the girls are college age. He told Artie that he could bang some of the girls in the bathroom at a Hess station if he wanted to.
KC said that he's still doing stand-up and training people too. He said he's probably the most expensive personal trainer in Orange County. Howard talked about how KC ended up posing for some photos that were kind of gay years ago. Gary said that he probably sold a lot of those posters to prisoners.
Howard played a bunch of classic KC song parodies that Richard Christy used to send in. Richard had a bunch of songs about him back then. They played at least 5.
KC said that he had his girl giving him some lip while they were playing those. Howard said that Richard used to make those songs while he was living in a storage unit down in Florida. He played another one of his classic songs after that.
Howard asked KC if he's still in good shape. KC said that he's still working out and having sex so much that he lost 15 pounds. He said he's also eating raw foods now so he's staying healthy. Howard played another Richard Christy song parody about KC being gay. Artie joked that Richard was just reading from his diary when he made that song up. He was singing about all of the gay strip clubs out there in that one.
KC got in a plug for a friend of his who is going to be at some bar. Howard said that KC is kind of scary but he does love him.
KC said that he was at church recently, because he's trying to get saved, and... Howard cut him off and said that's what all mental people do eventually. They go to church and get born again. KC said that he's kind of born again. Howard said that's weird because he's squiring around whores.
KC said he was at church and he was liking what this guy was saying and in one of his sermons on the web he was talking about Howard. KC said the guy was talking about Howard's views on happiness. He had the clip to play for Howard so Howard let him do that. The guy talks about Howard's deal at SIRIUS and how he says he's never been happy a day in his life even with all of that money. The pastor said that money can't buy happiness. Howard said that the guy was making a good point.
Howard said he's kind of feeling happy right now though. He said that psychotherapy can make him happy sometimes. Artie said that he does seem pretty calm and happy right now.
Howard told KC to stick with the medication and not feel that he shouldn't take it. Howard let KC go a short time later. KC got in a plug for this ModelMayhem.com web site where his girl is featured. Howard and the guys all checked her out on Benjy's computer. Howard had to take his headphones off to go check her out. Howard gave her a few ''Wow!'' comments. KC told them to check out her legs. She's like a fitness model. Howard said she's hot as shit.
KC said that his girl is a model and a trainer. He wasn't even sure where they met. Howard said that he can't believe she's with KC. KC said that she understands that he's a ''work in progress'' and he has some demons. Robin said that girls like to try and fix guys like KC up. They're like a great fixer upper for these girls because if they do fix them, they'll have a really good looking guy.
Howard told KC to bang this broad while they listen in. KC said he'd do that. KC told Davinia that he wanted to bang her but she was pulling away from her. KC told her he loves her but she didn't want to do it on the air.
Howard wanted to talk to Davinia but she wouldn't get on the phone. Howard said he was going to ask her why she's with KC. He asked if she sees him doing weird shit and stuff. KC said that she has seen his anger. He asked her what the weirdest thing was he's ever done around her. She told him that he screams in his sleep. KC asked her if she's afraid that he's going to kill her. She said no to that.
Fred asked if she's one of those Jesus chicks that he met at church. That's not where they met. KC said that both of them aren't perfect but they help each other out a lot.
Howard let KC go but KC left his phone on to go back this chick. KC told his girl that the phone was off but she didn't believe him. Howard ended up hanging up instead of listening in. He played some more of Richard's song parodies about KC being gay.
Howard said that KC once told him that he liked seeing Dan Marino's ass during football games. He said that was kind of gay. That was one of the subjects in Richard's song parody. He had another one of Richard's songs where he songs as they were getting ready to go to break.
Howard came back and said he thinks Sheryl is a doll and wondered why there aren't more guys banging her. Howard said that maybe she's a pain in the ass. He said that it's hot that she can sing. He said it drives him crazy when a girl has a talent like that. Howard said that he'd like to bang her hard.
Howard said he went out with a girl who used to do a show and whenever he'd see her he'd have to go back and bang her in her office. Howard said he didn't want to say who she was or what ''show'' she was doing. Howard said that it's so hot when a girl is on stage singing. He sees why girls go crazy for rock stars. Howard said that Alanis Morissette is really hot when she's singing too.
Howard said he likes it when girls are just themselves and don't try too hard. He said that those girls who were on the show for the Hottest / Funniest Chick contest were funny. He said he'd rather not see women trying to be funny most of the time but those chicks were funny.
Lisa said that Doug Goodstein's wife is in a book club and they're going to be reading Artie's book ''Too Fat To Fish.'' She said that she also checked in with Dr. Keith Ablow who tried to treat Artie last year. Dr. Keith was saying that Artie's lying to people is a big wake up call for him. He thinks that therapy would be a big help at closing the gap between lying and telling the truth. He also suggested that people step up and tell him the way they really feel about his lies.
Lisa said she spoke to the CEO of Denny's after Howard talked about him on the air. The guy is a big fan of the show and he was flattered that Howard spoke about him in the way he did. Howard said he related to that guy after reading about him. He said he seems like a good guy. That led to Artie talking about what a big fan of Denny's ''Moon over Mihami'' he is. He described that meal and Howard told Lisa she has to go out with Artie. She said she's not sure she could sit there while he ate. Howard let her go after that.
Howard played the clip of Eric leaving a message for Johnny about Christmas because people are asking him to buy stuff for them. Eric said he hates Christmas and he's not sure why people expect him to spend his money on them. He said that he'd like to get the new Verizon Blackberry Storm for Christmas though. He said it's over 400 bucks but it would be nice to get one as a present.
Eric said that he was saying ''somebody'' in the message and wasn't trying to get Johnny to buy it for him. Howard said that they're not deaf. He said that it was obvious that he was talking to Johnny about the phone and he was the only one who was going to hear the message. Eric said that he's told other people the same thing though. Howard said that it's crazy to do that to Johnny. Robin said it was crazy to say that he hates buying people gifts and then asking for a $400 phone.
That led to Fred playing some clips of Eric calling himself an idiot and things like that. Johnny Fratto called in and said that he was so confused by that message that it woke him up out of his sleep. He said he's not going to get Eric a Blackberry. He said he's calling in to embarrass Eric. He said that Rich from the Bunny Ranch told him that when the girls were marching to Eric's room out there, it looked like a death march. He said that the girls didn't look so excited about going to the room.
Gary said that Eric has clearly worn out his welcome at the Bunny Ranch because he's getting some feedback about him going out there. Gary said that Eric has banned his handler from having sex with anyone out there because he doesn't want to have sex with any girl who has sex with his roommate. Howard asked Eric what's up with that?
Eric said that was true. He said that he's not sure why he doesn't want him getting sex. Robin said he has to know why. Eric said he really doesn't know why. Howard said he has to know why. He's just not telling them. Howard said Eric just wants to be ''the man.'' Eric said that might be it.
Gary said that Eric reserved their car out there and they didn't even book his trip, Eric booked it himself. Then he told the people out there to just charge Johnny Fratto for the trip. Johnny said he didn't know about that either. Howard asked Eric if that was the case. Eric said that was true too. He said he's not sure why he did that either.
Robin asked Eric if he's losing his mind. Eric said ''no.'' Howard told Eric he can't be going out and putting the Bunny Ranch on Johnny's tab. He said he could run up some huge charges doing that. Howard said that's like calling someone and telling them to bill it to Eric the Midget. Eric said that Eric the Midget doesn't exist. Howard said that it would be Eric something.
Johnny said that something happens at this time of year with Eric. He turns into some kind of Scrooge or something. Howard said he always thought Eric was an honest guy. He didn't know he was making fraudulent charges like that. Johnny said that he did leave him a message about how he was going to be getting a bill. He just didn't ask ahead of time.
Howard asked Eric if he knows that he has to ask ahead of time. Eric said he knows that. Howard asked Eric what's going on with him and asked if he's losing his mind. Eric didn't know why he was doing this.
Johnny told Howard to tell Eric that he can't invite a guy from the Bunny Ranch out to his house and then not show up. He said that he was supposed to hang out with him but Eric turned him away and said he couldn't hang out with him. Eric said that he knows but it's been over a month since he got some and it's making him crazy.
Howard said that Eric was fine before he got some pussy. Now he's losing it and thinking that there's pussy out there he should be getting. Howard told Eric he should have treated that guy Rich from the Bunny Ranch a little better because he was getting him laid.
Howard asked Eric if he's jerking off like crazy. Eric said he's not. Howard asked Eric what he was thinking. Eric said he might answer if Fred would stop playing those clips when he was trying to answer. Fred was playing the edited clips of Eric calling himself ''Eric the Shithead, Eric the Retarded Midget'' and stuff like that.
Howard asked Johnny if Eric has gotten carried away with himself. Johnny said that he has let Eric charge some stuff to him but he usually tells Eric it's okay.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that this is interstate credit card fraud and even if Johnny doesn't want to file charges, he could still be in trouble with the FBI. Howard asked Dominic about this new chick he's been seen with lately. Dominic said that he's not with anyone and he wanted to get back to Eric. Dominic told Eric that it's probably going to be 24-36 months in jail but they may not have handcuffs small enough for him. Dominic was cracking himself up with that lame joke.
Howard asked Dominic about this broad he met. Dominic said he can't talk about her. He said that he didn't meet her at a restaurant like Howard thought. Dominic said he'd be down tomorrow to talk about it all.
Howard let Eric and Johnny go a short time later. Eric was saying that he's going to see someone who used to be on the show, Letha Weapons, this weekend. He said that he's going to see her at some strip club and he said he'd say hi to her for them.
Johnny told Howard to make sure he doesn't get Beth pregnant. He said that he's going through hell with this new baby he has. He said that the fucker stays up all night. Howard asked him why he did that. Johnny said that things were perfect until he had this kid. He said the other boy was growing up to the age where he was really cool to be around and now he's got this new baby.
Johnny said that his kid is even younger than his grand kid is. Howard said that Johnny is never going to get out of his house at that rate. Johnny asked Artie to get his suicide note ready for him.
Robin said that Eric has no idea when he's burning a bridge. Howard had Rich from the Bunny Ranch on the phone. Rich said that Eric invited himself and he didn't invite him up there. He said that no one had heard about Eric coming and Eric had set up the limo to come and pick him up.
Howard asked Eric what's going on there. Rich said that he called Eric and asked him what's going on there and Eric told him to just send the bill to Johnny. Howard laughed when he heard that. Rich said that this really hurt his feelings when he flew out to see Eric in Sacramento and he turned him away. He said that Eric wouldn't let him come over to his house but then the next day he got a call from a stripper who said that Eric was saying that he wanted to audition her before she could work at the Bunny Ranch.
Howard wondered why Eric was doing all of this stuff. Johnny said he thinks that he was doing it to make sure the room mate doesn't get laid. Rich said that the reason Eric gets all of this stuff is because they know him from the show. He said that Eric isn't handling this right and the girls didn't look excited about going to see Eric that day they went to screw him. He said that it looked like a death march as they were making their way to his room. Rich said the girls do things for them for marketing and they don't have to do it but they may not want to be with someone like Eric.
Howard asked Rich about the texts that Eric has been getting from the girls. Rich said that Cherry kind of liked Eric and thought he was kind of sweet. Then he killed her yesterday on the show when he picked Haley over her in the ''Eric's Choice'' bit. Howard said that he thinks that Eric should get to go back one more time. Robin said that she thinks Eric disrespected Rich and he doesn't deserve to go back. Eric said ''Who asked you?''
Rich asked if Eric ever thanked Dennis Hof for the trip out there. Eric said he did but Rich said he never heard him do that. Rich also asked if Eric ever thanked Howard and Robin. That never happened either.
Johnny said that the woman from the Bunny Ranch called him and she was very firm about the money that he owed to them and how it was going to be paid. He said that it's a bad idea to owe them money.
Howard told Eric that he can't be going out and doing this stuff with Johnny. He said that Johnny was nice enough to give him a credit card to use in emergency cases and he can't abuse that.
Eric asked Rich if he could get another trip out there for free. Rich said that he's still livid over this so he can't make that decision today. Rich gave Eric a ''fuck you'' and thanked Howard for everything. Howard said he hopes that Johnny stops being cheap and gets Eric a Blackberry. Howard let them all go a short time later.
Eric got in one more mention for his ''store'' over at JFSC.tv. He said that he got a call from Jimmy Kimmel's cousin who bought some pictures and a call from the store. Howard didn't seem to care. Robin said that the level of ingratitude just amazes her. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that things aren't going that great for Sal even now. He said that next week they're going to be there but Scott Greenstein asked them to be there for the fourth quarter promotion. Howard said he's happy to be there and he's having a good time. Robin had to cancel some major plans. Howard said he did too.
Howard said that they're about to start a new year and they had a very busy year this year. Howard said that the two weeks they're away they're going to be playing the History of Howard Stern Part 2. Robin asked if she even participated in that. Gary told her that she did. Howard said they have a ton of people participating and it's an epic thing they put together.
Howard said that this is the kind of thing he's been promising people over the past couple of years. Howard said that they won some kind of award for the first History of Howard Stern special.
Howard said that he had to point out something about Artie. He said that the guy who records all of Artie's stuff was down there and he said that Artie lied to him about having to go to therapy so he wasn't able to record the whole book. Artie said that's not true but he did lie about something to get out of doing it. He said he just tells white lies. Artie said that normal people do lie.
A caller told Howard that Sal's ''My Wife'' song is one of the funniest ever. He said that Sal is the best. Howard said that Sal wrote another one the other day that he didn't play. He said it was something about him being urinated on. The caller said that the ''Photograph'' song that Sal did was another great one. Howard said that's Sal at his best but this other one is something that no one can relate to.
Howard played Sal singing about getting pissed on to the tune of ''Oh Christmas Tree.'' Howard said he didn't play it because no one can relate to that. Robin said that it's not even clever. Sal said that it is and explained to her why it was clever. He said he wasn't defending the song but he was defending his cleverness.
Howard asked Sal why he wants to be pissed on. Sal said that it's not about him and he thinks that there are some people who can relate to that.
Howard said Sal had another creepy song that he didn't want to play on the air. He said that they're not all grand slams. He played Sal's song about Robin's Tits and Robin thought that was another miss.
Sal talked about the pissing thing and Robin asked if he asks his wife for that. Sal said that he can't even get a kiss from her these days.
Gary said that Sal wants to get pissed on and that's why he's singing about this. He said that Sal gets aroused when he watches stuff on PissMops.com. Sal said that he's really not into that himself but he does like to watch those videos.
Howard was having a problem with one of the microphones in the studio so he tried to figure out what was going on. He had Sal moving around but it turns out it was Gary's mic but they weren't sure why it was making the scraping noise. Gary said he wasn't sure what to do about it. Sal told him to stay out of the studio. Gary told Sal to write some funny bits. Howard kicked Sal and Gary out of the studio since they weren't able to figure out what the problem was.
Howard told Arbor that she looks great. He asked her how things are working out with the stripping. She said she's making good money doing that and it's still going strong even in the recession. Howard asked her if she's just topless. She said that is the way it is. She also said that she doesn't ever give sex to the guys she dances for.
Howard said that her stage name is ''Melrose'' and he didn't get that. Arbor said that she was given a bunch of choices for names and that was the best one they had. She said that it's been working just fine. Howard suggested a few more names for her instead of Melrose. She said that she was fine with Melrose. Howard said that a name can mean everything in someone's career.
Howard asked Arbor about her sex life and found out she's single but she does get laid once in a while. She said she got laid just a few weeks ago. Arbor said that it's hard for guys to deal with her being a stripper so that might be a reason she's not with someone. She said she's having a really good time right now and isn't really looking to get into a committed relationship.
Arbor said that she has done stuff with chicks. She said that the last time she did that was about a year ago. Howard asked her for details on that. Arbor said that the other girl was a fitness model type of girl and they just hit it off when they were out at a bar having drinks. She said that the other girl's man was there but just watched them getting it on. She said she doesn't think that he did anything while he watched.
Howard asked her about what the guy did while he watched. She said that he moved around the room to get different angles. Howard asked if that was creepy. Arbor said it really wasn't creepy. She said that it was all about the girls that night.
Howard asked about what they did to each other. Arbor said that there was a lot of foreplay like oral sex. She said that she got in there with the other chick. She said that the other girl did the same to her. Howard asked if she stuck her tongue up the other girl's ass. She said she's never done that to anyone but she has had it done to her. She said she's also had a finger in her ass but never went all the way. She said her ass is a virgin but she'd be willing to try with the right guy.
Howard asked if the breasts are real. She said that they're implants. Howard said they were nice. She said that they're 36-Ds. She started out as a small B-cup. Howard asked if her parents are upset she's a stripper. She said that her mother is cool with whatever she wants to be. Her father doesn't even think about it and just laughs it off. Howard had to wrap up and go to break but they ended up talking to Arbor a little more about Rick's Cabaret. She said that she's going to be working over there while she's in town. Artie said he hasn't been there yet but he has to get over there.
Howard heard that Mike Gange walked in on her naked. She said that she was naked when he walked in. Gange came in and told Howard that she has a really nice looking vagina. Howard said he could kind of see that she must have a nice one. Howard asked if they could see it. She said that she would flash them really quick. Howard had her do that really quick and said that it was really nice. Gange said that it was really cute and he doesn't usually find them to be attractive. Howard said that they had a replay and it did look cute.
Howard said she might have the prettiest vagina they've ever seen. Gange said they have to put that thing on tour. Howard told Arbor that she was beautiful and wished her luck with her career in stripping and on Howard TV. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he had an update on that guy who called in yesterday. He said that the guy did end up getting laid last night so he must have helped them out. Howard said he deserves an A for effort on that. Nick was on the phone again so he told Howard that his wife told him it had nothing to do with him and it was just about the way she thinks she looks.
Howard said that sometimes you have to slam a woman to get them to listen. Nick said that she just made him promise not to touch her on her stomach. Howard said that he wasn't such a bad Dr. Drew after all.
Howard played a clip from a news report where a reporter let the word ''shitty'' slip out when he was trying to say Radio City Show.
Howard had another clip of a reporter choking on the air. He played that clip and the female reporter was reading fine for a few seconds and then started to cough. She tried to clear it up but it didn't work so she kept coughing until they went to break.
Howard pointed out that they do 5 hours a day sometimes and they never get choked up like that. Artie, with a mouth full of food, said ''that's right.''
Howard asked Mike if he just left one day and moved away from his wife. Mike said that's not it at all. He was always staying out in L.A. so he just stayed there and his wife didn't come out to stay with him. Robin asked how often he has sex. Mike asked if she was talking about with his wife.
Howard said that Mike is doing it the right way. He's not losing his house in Florida and he can go out there to stay if he wants to. Mike said that things are much different after the kids leave the house. They don't have a horrible marriage or anything.
Howard said that there has to be a problem in the marriage with the way things are. Mike said that there isn't a problem. Howard said that this would be a huge story if Mike were Brad Pitt and he was living across the country from his wife. Mike said that they raised two kids very successfully and had a very good marriage. He said that she married a reporter so she knew what she was getting into.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard played some audio of Artie doing the Best Damn Sports Show. Artie was cracking jokes about his heroin use and about selling a gun to Plaxico Burress. Artie said that they cut out a lot of his appearance. He said that the second half was supposed to be a long one but they asked him why he sounded so sleepy. Artie said he joked about Ryan Seacrest being gay but said he was kidding but they cut all of it out.
Howard played another clip of Artie talking about the Giants and Jets. He was joking about how the Giants are all shooting themselves so he's not sure if they're going to make it to the Super Bowl.
Artie also threw out his joke about the Jets and how they will always fuck you in the end. Howard said that Artie did sound kind of tired in that clip. He said that he did sound kind of casual and he kind of liked that he was pissing all over those guys there.
Howard played a clip where Artie did his joke about Tony Romo and how great it is that his name rhymes with homo. They bleeped the ''homo'' part of that joke. They bleeped a lot of stuff and Artie said they actually bleeped ''fruity'' at one point.
Howard said that Antonio Pierce was brought up during Artie's appearance. Artie talked about him interning there at the show one day. Artie said that Antonio had to talk to the ''typical idiots'' that call into the Stern Show every day.
Howard said that sounded like a good appearance. Artie said that the whole show over there loves the Stern Show. He said that it's almost like the Superfan Roundtable there.
Howard said he wanted to try being an executive producer and he made a bad deal when he did it. Howard said that it was a lot of work and he doesn't see them doing anything to help him out so he's not going to promote it.
Howard talked about how fun it was being there when they'd shoot those shows. Howard said that they used to shoot in cold weather and people would ask him to help them get heaters and stuff. Howard said it was great when he was doing that but then he had to break the news to Tim that it was all over. Howard said that the network didn't want the show after 3 seasons.
Howard said he tried to sell the show to Spike TV but that didn't work out. Howard said that they thought it was over by then too so they didn't want it. Howard said he pitched them another show and they bought it. Howard said he just made it up in the meeting and they bought into it. Howard said that at the end of the day he knows he can do that stuff but he'd rather do the radio show. He said his agent was upset about that because they had a lot of stuff in the works. He said the only movie they're still involved with is the remake of Porky's.
Howard said that his agent reads a bunch of scripts for him and they just don't get anything that good. He said his agent can't recommend any of them to him so they don't do them. Howard said he used to read the scripts himself but Don is usually right about that stuff so he doesn't read them now.
Howard said that Tim wanted to come on to promote that DVD thing but he doesn't want him to. He said that Tim can come on anytime to talk about seeing Stuttering John in that Grease musical remake. He said he loves Tim and he'd love to have him in to talk about that.
Howard said that they do have a clip of John singing in that musical but you really have to see the video. Howard did an impression of John doing this weird thing with his lips during the clip. He said he kind of makes this ape face with his face. Fred said that's part of his Danny Zuko persona.
Robin said that he's been doing that since the early rehearsals and she saw him doing those. Robin said that she didn't know he was going to keep that in the act. She said that she just wanted to know how long they were going to rehearse. That led to Fred doing his John impression where he chokes on all of the words to the Grease songs as he's trying to sing them.
Howard read a few e-mails from fans who thought that Fred's impression of John was great. Then Howard played the audio of John performing some of this Grease musical on a show. Howard said that John must have gotten that part for his looks and not his singing abilities. Howard then played some of the original John Travolta and Olivia Newton John performance of that same song that John was singing. Howard sarcastically said there was no difference there.
Howard said he misses John on the show. Robin said that they could be having some fun with him over this whole thing. Fred did more of his impression of John for a few seconds. Howard said he wishes John luck with that.
Artie figured they were doing it for publicity. When he heard that their attendance had gone from 100 to 400, he said that's exactly what it is. Howard said that he loves the pictures of this 73 year old guy with a couple of big black guys covering him.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he just read Artie's book. He said that he listened to it all in one day. He didn't read it, he listened to the audio book. Howard said he wants to read it and not listen to it. Howard said he heard that Artie's read was really good.
Robin said she doesn't want to hear Bob Levy reading the book. Jeff said he almost had to read that part of the book.
Howard said he heard that Artie knows how to read his book and some people just can't pull that off. Howard said that Steven King reads his books but he's not that great at reading them. He pulls it off because he's Steven King though.
Howard said that there are guys out there who can make a book great with their read. He said that Gary told him about an audio book that Burt Reynolds read and he just couldn't get into it because it was Burt.
Artie said Howard Cosell read part of his autobiography and it was great to listen to. Artie did an impression of that book. He said that he was overly dramatic about some of the stuff he would read.
Robin said that she's tried to listen to some audio books and they're so bad that she has to go and actually read the book instead. Howard said that Gary always refers to listening to audio books as ''reading'' them. Howard said that's annoying. Gary said that only Howard gets annoyed with that.
Howard and Gary talked about the audio book thing and Jason came in to say that it's annoying when Gary says that he gets the same thing out of listening to a book that he would reading it.
Artie said that he heard that they threw in a part of his read where he was joking around during the recording session and they left it in as part of the book. Artie said that he thought they were fucking around but they left it in there. Howard said he's very proud of Artie for what he's done with that book. He let Jeff go after that.
Shuli said that Richard had Brandon Novak's ass up his ass last week and they found out that Brandon has Hepatitis C so Richard may want to think twice about having a strange tongue up his ass from now on. Shuli said that Hep C can be spread in various ways including saliva.
Shuli said they have a story about Joey Boots putting his underwear from the Craptacular on Crudebay.com where they sell used panties. High Pitch Eric may be putting his up on that site as well. The owner of that site has offered to sell Lisa G's panties on that site as well.
Lisa G is on her way to do an interview on Good Day New York tomorrow to promote the cookies she's selling through her web site, LisaG.com.
Shuli said that they have a special History of Howard Stern Act 2 kick off show coming up next Friday after the final part of Act 1 airs. Howard said he thinks that people will enjoy this new special that will start on the 22nd.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things that they were going to try and cover today.
Howard said he saw that Lisa is selling 12 cookies for $28. Artie said that's like more than 2 bucks a cookie. Howard said that Lisa could come in there and talk about that if she wanted.
Lisa came in and said that the cookies are hand made and painted with all natural ingredients. She said that they're really delicious and beautiful too. Howard saw the pictures of the cookies and they're all based on Lisa's life. She has a cat, a violin and one of herself. Lisa said that the cookies are delicious sugar cookies and the people that make them are fans of the show. Lisa said that she became a fan of theirs and that's how this cookie deal came about. She said that the price is very reasonable for something like that.
Robin said she didn't think it was a good price point for people in a recession. Lisa said that they are so delicious. Artie said that he likes Lisa and the cookies are good but $28 is too much for a tin of cookies. Lisa said they may come up with something a little less expensive after the holidays.
Artie said that they must be looking at a profit of $27.50 with that deal. Lisa said that's not true. She said that some of the money goes to the Susan G. Komen foundation. She said that she hopes that she gets to give a big portion of the money to them. She said she's not sure how many they've sold but they haven't given her numbers. Howard asked if it's at least 10 people. Lisa thinks so.
Gary asked if Howard thinks that they sell better than the Video Caddy. Gary said that he's heard that the Video Caddy is selling well actually. Howard said he gives Scott a lot of grief about that thing.
Howard got Mutt on the phone to promote tonight's Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said they're going to make this week's show all caller driven. They're going to cover the same topics they covered last week like Artie and Bubba stuff.
Howard asked Mutt who is going to be sitting in tonight. Don Jamieson is sitting in for Beetlejuice. They have Truck Driver Tom, Irish John and a guy by the name of Chris. Howard went to break after that.
Fred said he thinks that Joe is still out on tour with the Steve Miller Band. That led to Howard talking about having Steve on the show years ago and he never came back.
Howard had Fred play Robin in with a song parody so she could start her news. Fred played a song by a guy who sang ''Robin's Tits are Fat.'' Howard said it must be huge for Robin to have all of these fans singing about her. He said he likes to see her dressed up the way she was today too. Howard said she's busy walking around there all dressed up lately and she must be feeling good about herself.
Howard asked the guys if they noticed her outfit today. Artie said he didn't notice. Howard said she's looking really good today and gave her an A+ for her outfit. Howard said he might have to do a modeling thing with her once a week.
Howard said that Ronnie has had Miss Howard TV in about 25 different outfits in the hall. Robin said she heard Gange telling her which colors were working and not working. Ronnie came in and said that the Howard TV guys asked him to do that so they could see all of the outfits they had for her to try on.
Howard said he was just talking to the guys about how fun that girl is and how great she would be as a dancer. Ronnie said that she really is fun and he had her dancing for him out in Vegas.
The guys had live video of what was going on out in the hall and Sal was busy yelling at the guys for beaming him live instead of letting him do his thing.
Howard told Ronnie that his shirt wasn't matching the other shirt he was wearing. Ronnie said that it does match. Howard told him the two shirts don't match and told him not to wear them together again. Robin didn't like it either. Ronnie said that Arbor liked it and that's all that counts. Howard said that she is used to lying to older men and he's sure that she doesn't like that shirt. Howard had her come in to tell him the truth.
Howard asked Arbor what she thinks of Ronnie's shirt. She said it was very colorful and festive. She said that she didn't dislike it but she didn't think they went together very well. Howard asked her if she thinks Ronnie is one of the hottest guys she's met. She said that he is a good looking distinguished guy. Fred told Ronnie that she's just flattering him because that's what she does for a living.
Howard said that Rick's is lucky to have Arbor there. She said that he needs to come and get a dance from her. Ronnie said that she's very sexy when she dances.
Howard let Arbor go and said he's not sure he could handle that. He said he's not man enough with his ''little tweeter.'' Artie said that she jiggles in all of the right places.
Robin said that Barack is going to use his middle name of Hussein during the inauguration. Howard said that what she doesn't know is that his full name is Barack Hussein Hitler Castro Obama.
Robin had some other details about the inauguration celebration and what will be going on there. Howard played James Brown's ''Funky President'' song and said that was going to be the theme song. He said he can't believe that James didn't live long enough to see that they actually elected a funky president.
Robin read a story about Gov. Rod Blagojevich and what's going on with him. She said that his wife was apparently into the schemes that he was involved with.
Robin read some news about Caroline Kennedy which led to Fred throwing out an ''Er-uh'' and then Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression for a short time.
Robin was trying to talk to Howard but he was still stuck on his Ted Kennedy impression. Robin asked to speak to Howard. He pretended that he was on the phone with Ted and the two of them were fighting over the phone.
Robin read a story about a guy who invented a robot for a wife. Her name is Aiko and she's always happy to clean his house or get him a drink. The guy only spent about $2,800 on the robot. (Actually more like $28,000)
Howard said that the Howard TV guys have some video of Sal falling out of his chair. Gary came in and said that Sal was recording something for them and his whole chair just fell apart and he fell on the ground. Howard watched the video and it sounded like it was a pretty major fall. Richard asked him if he was okay so the guys were making fun of the way Richard speaks and made up the lines that he should have said to him like ''Can I smell your balls?'' and things like that.
Robin read a story about people being more willing to lose weight if there was cash involved. Artie said that it should matter to guys more than women because there is always pussy as an incentive to lose weight. Artie said that he's better looking when he's thinner so you'd think that he'd want to lose weight. Howard said that Artie is in a position to score and he should just lose the weight. Artie said it's sheer laziness.
Robin read a story about how scientists have found a gene that may make people go for the junk food over the good stuff. Howard told her not to tell Artie that. He'll think that it's okay to eat the way he does.
Robin read a story about how there are more younger people doing anal sex these days. Howard said that he thinks that is going to lead to the end of the world.
Robin read a story about Scores not doing very well financially. Howard said that he thinks that it's the Rick's revolution now.
Robin did a story about Jimmy Fallon doing vlog on the web to promote his new TV show. She also talked about how NBC is getting killed by CBS lately in the 10pm time slot so that's why they're going to be moving Jay Leno there.
Robin said that they've been debating whether or not Ralph is gay. She said that he texted her saying they might have to go see Liza Minelli's new play on Broadway. Howard said that the debate is over now.
Robin said that Ashlee Simpson is shopping pictures of her new baby to the tabloids but nobody wants them according to Page Six. Howard said that if he were single he would want to have Ashlee Simpson. He said he would want to have sexual relations with her. Robin said that she named her kid Bronx Mowgli. Howard said that anyone who has fame has kids with outrageous names.
Robin said that there was a survey that said that 80 percent of people believe that there is a God. There are 59 percent that believe there is a Devil. Robin said that only 47 percent believe in evolution. Howard couldn't believe that number.
Robin said that the Golden Globes nominations were coming up today. She didn't have the list but Howard said he had the audio of them being announced. Howard played those clips. Robin had a few clips from some of the movies that were nominated so she had Howard playing those too.
Robin said that there may be an actor's strike soon. She said that SAG may be going on strike soon. She read about that and had some audio clips of people talking about that. Howard said he hopes that they don't go on strike, he can't take another year without ''Lost.''
Robin had a story about an auction that's going on where they're selling Luke Skywalker's light saber from Star Wars. Howard did his Gamorrean guard impression while Fred threw in the Darth Nihilus audio clips. Robin said they're predicting the Light Saber may sell for $285,000 or so. Robin had Howard play the Star Wars Theme while they were talking about that.
Robin had some audio of Amanda Peet talking about a movie she's in. Howard was making snoring noises through all of that. Howard said she just goes on and on talking about her acting career. Howard said that she should be working on getting into a good movie. Howard goofed on her the whole time her clip was playing.
Robin had a story about Meryl Streep and had Howard play a clip of her talking about how hard it was to get dressed for some part she had. Howard goofed on her too and said he had to get out of there. They ended the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
Benjy said he wasn't surprised by it. He's expected Howard to say that. Gary said that Howard doesn't have to work anymore and that's obvious if you read the papers. Benjy said that he thinks that Howard doesn't know for sure and things could change in 2 years.
Gary said that Howard used to say that he wasn't quite sure but today it seemed like he was pretty set on retiring in 2 years.
Gary said that he's curious to know what Howard thinks is a good amount of time to let them know what the final answer is. He wondered when he's going to tell them.
Jon said that some people were theorizing that maybe Howard won't be able to stop doing the show. He said he knows that Howard is happy with Beth and he might want to spend more time with her. He asked Gary if he thinks he could actually stop. Gary said he's not sure about that. He said that he was surprised to hear Howard saying he was going to stop doing everything if he stops the radio show.
Jon took a call from a guy who wondered if Gary would ever work for a guy like Jay Leno. Gary said that he doesn't know if he's qualified for that job. He also said that his worst nightmare is that he's going to have to take what's available to him. He said that he'd probably do it if Jay offered him the job and there wasn't anything else out there.
The caller said that Howard is making like a billion a year there and tried to explain to Gary and Jon that Howard should be able to ask for even more. Gary asked the guy if he had seen SIRIUS stock lately. Gary said it's not doing that well right now.
The caller was saying that Howard should tell them that he wants a couple hundred thousand more for his staff and he should spread the wealth to them. Gary said that they had to cut this guy off because he wasn't stopping with his comments.
Another caller asked Gary if he can retire in 2 years on the money he has now. Gary said no. Gary said that he'll have to keep working. The caller said that Gary should be looking for something else right now if he can't retire in 2 years. Gary said that he's always looking but he doesn't want to leave there until it's done. Jon said that people will know that Gary is available when the show is coming to an end. They'll go after him if they want him at that point.
The caller said that if Howard is getting the kind of money that they claim he is, he could give the guys a few million each and let them retire. Gary said that he doesn't have an issue with any of this, it seems that only this caller does.
Gary said that he would consider any deal that was made to him but he doesn't know if he would take a deal from Leno or not. They also talked about the way Stuttering John left the show and how Howard got upset about that. Gary said Howard wasn't upset about John leaving, it was the way he left that upset him.
Benjy said that he likes working the way he does there and he might have to develop some kind of job where he could work for himself. He wasn't sure what he's going to do when Howard leaves.
Another caller asked Gary if he could do another show like Howard's without Howard. Gary said he can't imagine doing another show like that without Howard. He said it's just not going to work.
Jon brought up Miss Howard TV and how everyone seemed to fall in love with her. Gary said that he didn't fall in love with her. He said that she might need a little more attention than he'd be able to give her on a regular basis.
Benjy said that she was kind of hotter when she took her heels off. He said that she wasn't so hot until then. He said that she also gives you the feeling that you could get her. Gary said that she gives you that feeling but there's no way the guys could get her. Jon said that is part of her appeal that they think they could get her.
Gary talked about how they met her out in Vegas and they actually let the audience vote at Rick's the night they were trying to find the next Miss Howard TV. He said that he didn't really find her, she was voted for the part.
Jon played a clip from the show where they were looking at Arbor's nice looking vagina. After that they talked about Gange ''accidentally'' going into the green room when Arbor was naked. Gange said that she told him to come into the green room when she was naked. She was doing her make up and asked him to help her out putting her necklace on and stuff like that.
Jon asked Gange if he has bonded with her because he heard that he's calling her ''babe.'' Gange said he does that with all of the girls. He said that all of the guys there are hanging around with this girl though. Gange said that Scott was yelling at him to move out of his way so he could check her out in the hallway. Gange said he's pretty sure that she's not interested in anyone there.
Gary said that he insulted her first thing this morning when he saw her. He didn't remember meeting her out at Rick's and introduced himself to her as if they had never met.
Jon asked Gange about what it was that made her vagina look so nice to him. Gange said it was totally shaved and everything was tucked in nicely. Gary said that it really was very pretty. He said that it was very neat and cute. Gange said that it was very symmetrical too. Benjy said he thought it was nice but not the nicest one he's ever seen.
Ronnie came in and said that she's got a very flirty personality. He said that she was out there listening to them talking about her nice vagina. Gange said that he liked how Ronnie was getting her to do the fashion show with the 50 bathing suits they had for her. Gary said that he saw Ronnie taking pictures with his camera phone. Gange said that Ronnie didn't even know how to use that camera phone. He was asking which button to press.
Benjy said that he wanted her to come down there right now but Ronnie said that she's in a bikini right now so she can't come down. Benjy wasn't even saying the right name. He was calling her ''Arter.''
Jon asked Ronnie who has hit on her the most today. Ronnie said ''Me!'' A caller said that there's no way that any of them could get a stripper. Gary said that working on the Stern Show show is the best way to do that.
Jon asked if they could have gotten her on the Sybian. Ronnie said he wouldn't have let her do that. He said that he's getting along really well with her and she's hanging out in Scott's studio right now. Ronnie said that Scott was showing her all about how to use the radios and stuff like that when she was in there. She didn't have SIRIUS until now.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that talking about how pretty a vagina is, is kind of creepy. She asked if they talk about that in their personal lives. Gary said that he'd never do that in his personal life. Ronnie said he would do that after he had seen it. The woman said that most men she's been with will bolt for the door.
Jon asked Ronnie what makes a pretty vagina for him. Ronnie started laughing when Teddy said that it was any vagina under 60. Ronnie said that as long as it doesn't have grey hair or hanging skin on it. Gange said that Arbor's was so nice it looked like it had been photoshopped.
The woman on the phone asked if they think that Howard will give them a lot of time to find other jobs. Gary said that he will give them some warning but he's not sure how much time that will be. She also wondered if Howard is going to be pressured by Beth to leave. Gary said he doubts that will be the case.
The guys talked about how in love Howard and Beth are right now and how happy they seem to be when they're together. They had to go to break after that.
Jason came in around that time and said that he was tipped off that Arbor was in Scott's studio and Scott was recording bits with her in there. He said that he's never seen Scott pull a move before but that appears to be what he's doing. Jason said that Ronnie may not even know that's going on.
Scott came storming in after that and said that he did lock the door but his intern was in there with him and Arbor was talking about how embarrassed she had gotten when she was being pre-interviewed by Mike Gange. Scott said she was telling him about how Gange was asking her about anal sex and stuff like that. Scott said he was recording all of that for the show, that's why he locked the door.
Scott said that one guy creeped her out a lot and that was Benjy. He said that she told him that she was serious when she said that but Benjy said that she was probably just joking around about that.
The guys wanted to get Arbor down there but the bikini thing was keeping her from walking around there. Gary said they could throw a robe on her and walk her down there.
Jon let the guys go after that and got back to the Sal pissing song. He asked Benjy if he thinks that there are that many people into that stuff. Benjy said that he thinks there are maybe 8-10 percent of the population who are into that.
Jon had Sal come in too so he asked him about the pissing thing. Sal said that there are a lot of piss web sites out there and Penthouse used to do the peeing stuff in the magazine. Sal thinks that he's right on par with what's going on in society today. He said that it might be a small percentage though.
Sal said that he was humored by the goofing on him today. Jon said that it was kind of funny when the song was being played. The guys in the office were laughing.
Sal said that there are times when you're shocked when Howard doesn't like something or you're surprised when he does like something. He said that you never know with him. Sal said he thought it was funny but Howard didn't.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Sal's statement about girls urinating on guys is more common than they think. She said that her boyfriend is in construction and he has friends who say that they like it when girls pee on them. She said she thinks that it's hot to do that too. She said that her boyfriend gets really turned on when she does it to him.
Sal said that this chick is the kind of chick he's talking about being a great girl and not a mammoth pig like the lady who was on yesterday. He went off on her for a minute and said that this chick is a hot chick who likes that her man gets off on what she does. He said that's what it all comes down to.
Sal said that they should have sewn up her vagina. That led to Gary asking Sal how to say ''hysterectomy'' since he wasn't able to say it. Teddy corrected him so Gary and Jon went off on him about that. Gary told Teddy that they knew that he didn't know how to say it for the past 3 days and they wanted to keep it that way.
Jon asked Sal why he doesn't ask his wife to pee on him. Sal said he's not into being peed on. He watches the videos all the time but he has no desire to get pissed on. Gary asked him why he hasn't tried to bring that into his marriage. Sal said that she's the mother of his children and they've developed a relationship here he can't do stuff like that. He said he knows who his wife is and she's not that type of person. He said he's fine by that.
Jon said that he thought that Sal was into the women who are willing to do something like that. Sal said that he likes women like this one who called in because she's willing to do anything for her man, even pissing on him. She said that she's willing to do anything for her man. Gary asked if she would let him shit on her. She said he's not that kind of person, he's a really clean guy. Shuli told her that he's getting pissed on, he's not that clean.
Sal said that Gary got a hot piece of ass and he'd probably be willing to do anything for her. Sal said that they are mounds of fucking putty when it comes to getting a hot piece of pussy. Gary said he doesn't think that he'd do anything like that for any woman.
Sal started to go off on tangents that Gary didn't understand. Sal was saying that a girl might queef there in the studio and it's hot but if she did that at breakfast while you're eating, you're going to throw up. Gary was also goofing on Sal about the way he says the word ''absurd'' as ''abzurd.'' Sal didn't seem to know he was getting goofed on. They had to end the show a short time later. Sal was still arguing about the pissing thing so Jon had to cut them all off so he could wrap up the Wrap Up Show.