Howard started off the show talking about his big birthday weekend after Robin brought it up. He said that Robin left him a message and she was caught in an avalanche of well wishers over the weekend. He said that he had a lot of people calling him but he wasn't making a big deal out of it. He said that Benjy got him a pair of pants that Ivy gave him. He said they were jeans or something but he hasn't tried them on yet.
Gary said that he thinks that those pants are from Tommy Hilfiger's brother. He said that they're like stiletto pants with slits on the side. He said he will try them on but he's not sure if he's going to like them. He said he's tough to fit too so they may just not fit. He said that they looked like they'd fit when he held them up to himself.
Robin said she got a message from Ivy saying that Benjy is a sex addict. Howard said that she's just about messaging everyone.
Howard said that some of the people were saying he looked good but he thought that he looked old and haggard. He said he did have a good time once he got out there on stage with Dave. Robin said that they did kind of get into a wrestling match when Dave tried to keep control of the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he looked good but Gary looked fuckin' ugly. Howard said Gary really took a hit there and got bashed in the mail. Gary came in and said that he was on for 2 and a half seconds so he's not sure why people are focusing on him.
Howard read through more of the mail about Gary's appearance and how his teeth were so bright they blocked Beth out. Someone wrote in and said that Gary looked like a beaver on steroids. Gary said he wants to hang himself after reading that kind of stuff on a Sunday night.
Howard said he got a lot of mail from some people who graduated from the college that Dr. Phil graduated from. He said they weren't happy. Another caller told him how good he was on Letterman and gave Artie a ''faggot'' shout out for no apparent reason. He thought it was odd that he and Dave touched each other's faces and hair during that appearance.
Howard and the guys talked about how Dave usually doesn't like to be touched. That led to Artie talking about how Dave had once taken a piece of Jennifer Aniston's hair and put it in his mouth. He said it was very odd and Jennifer looked horrified.
Howard said that he was talking to David Spade the other day and heard from Ralph that he was dating Jennifer Aniston. David wouldn't confirm that though. Gary asked why he hasn't been coming on the show lately. Howard said he's up for doing it but Gary said he's been through town lately and hasn't come in. Howard said that they may have to call him and ask him again.
Gary said that he's been dealing with publicists so maybe that's why he hasn't gotten the message. Fred thought that maybe he was still upset about Howard complaining about him doing the speech about him. Howard said he claims that he's over that.
Howard and the guys talked about Spade for a short time and also about some other stars who have been on a tear lately. They were talking about 50 Cent and how they claim that he's been gaining a lot of weight lately. Howard said he never thought of him as being fat but he's seen pictures.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said that he was great on Letterman. Howard said that he wasn't into going on the show but things did go okay. He said his father and mother called him and told him how good he was. He said his mother told him he was terrific. Robin said someone told her that they thought that Don Buchwald, who was sitting next to Beth, was his father. Howard said they'd better not tell Don that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Letterman kept hyping up the musical guest more than Howard like they were going to be the highlight of the show. Howard said that he's right, he thought the same thing. He said that the woman in the band was a very lovely woman and he was rooting for her to do well on the show. He said that she was very nice and they were telling him that he was very funny and things like that.
Artie said that he was all nervous and he heard Letterman say ''so there's one to write home about'' after he introduced all of the guests.
Robin asked Howard if they did a Top 10 list that night. Howard said that they did the funniest Top 10 list ever about the guy who found out his wife was a hooker when he went to a brothel and found her there. He said that they did the list and it was the top 10 things you'd say when you find out your wife's a whore. He said it was really good and he thought it was very well written. He ended up staying on for 3 segments because things were going so well. He thought they were going to keep him for 2 and let him go. They must have cut out the Top 10 to get the show down to the right time. They didn't cut the other odd stuff they were doing so that's what got cut.
Robin said she could tell it was cut because of the way they went to Howard. Artie said he was out late on Thursday night. He ended up calling Howard after that appearance because he thought it was so great. He said that they've got a great rapport now and he had to call him to let him know.
The caller asked Howard if he saw the look on Dave's face when he brought up the article about breathing life into the show. Howard said he did see that and Dave cut him off so he must have been upset about that.
Howard said that Ralph asked him if he thought Artie was going to be in today because he was probably out there partying and stuff. Artie said that he missed most of the Giants game last night because he was flying home. He said he rushed home and got to see some of the game.
Artie said that he knew that he'd be in the air for part of the game and that was going to make the flight go faster. Robin said that would make her feel like it was longer, not shorter. Artie said it's the opposite for him. He said he got some super Ambien on the flight too and that really knocked him out. That's the Ambien CR. Artie said that a guy had a computer going and told him the scores as he was flying home. He said that he was fighting sleep while the guy was telling him that. He said he never got the scores but the guy told him that he could.
Artie said that the Ambien CR was from a guy who weighed about 180 pounds so he figured he'd have to take 2 to get himself knocked out. Those pills didn't knock him out until about 2 hours into the flight. He said once he got off the flight he was like a zombie.
Artie said that they usually get a 7am flight to fly out of Vegas so they can stay up all Saturday night and just leave at 5 in the morning. He said that he and Teddy were out there having a good time. JD wasn't able to make it. He said that he's always gold on Howard TV and Goodstein wouldn't fly him out there. Howard said he should have told him that.
Doug Goodstein came in and that he thought Artie was going to fly JD out there. Doug said that he was asked on Wednesday if they could do that and it was too late at that point. Doug blamed Teddy for the fuck up but Artie said that things were kind of screwed up because of JD's jury duty. He said that they didn't know until the day before that he could go. Artie said it wasn't Teddy's fault.
Artie said that he didn't get laid out there, he said it was a gambling weekend. Howard asked him if he saw Jenna Jameson's retirement speech. Artie said that he's worried for her because she looks like death warmed over. He said that she's way too thin. Howard said she announced that she's never going to show her pussy again but Robin said that she's done that before.
Howard asked for the announcement that Jenna made. JD said that he had it. They showed some pictures of her and they were all shocked at how bad she looked. She was with her man Tito Ortiz. Howard played the clip of her giving this speech when she got her award. The audio was from a fan who sent it in but the quality was so low that he wanted to hold off and get better. He said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to play it. Artie told him to maybe hold off. Howard ended up playing it anyway.
In the clip Jenna talks about how she will never spread her legs again in the industry. Artie asked if she'll give head. Howard said he might have her on a technicality there. He said that she could go back and do that.
Artie talked about the lunatics that show up to those events and how crazy things get out there. He said he had a suite up there with 4 bedrooms and a pool table. He said he played poker until 9 o'clock in the morning. He said he got in on Friday about 4pm. He said that he landed, went to shoot some stuff for Greg Fitzsimmons TV show. He went to his hotel room and he wrote some parodies about the porn star chicks and they all had to go to his room to shoot them. He said that the porno chicks would come in and they'd do whatever they told them to do.
Artie said that they were messing around with the girls and then Ron Jeremy shows up and fucks the girls. It was all just a goof though. He said it was a good move on Greg's part. He said that Greg's wife was there so he wasn't getting laid. He said he was really good at the awards show thought and did an awesome fuckin job hosting.
Artie said that he had to go rehearse what he had to do on the awards show. He said that meant that he had to write what he wanted to do there. He didn't know what to do but he did get to walk out with a couple of chicks. He said that he decided to do a thing where he was going to tell the girls that his catch phrase was Nick Manning's ''Droppin Loads'' and he'd have Nick push him out of the way. That was fine but then he wanted to do a joke for this Best Anal thing. He came up with something but they told him it was too racy! Too racy for the porn awards on Showtime. He said the joke was something from his stand up act but they told him it was taboo. He said that they cut that and he just did something else in rehearsal.
Artie said that the appearance went good but he didn't get to see Richard and Benjy's appearance. Benjy said that they let them write something and it turned out to be not so funny. He said that they both did a joke at the beginning. Richard said that they did okay but the writing wasn't so great over there. Howard said that's because the writer's strike is going on.
Howard said that the guys were saying that they were afraid of getting their segments cut if they did something wrong. Benjy's voice was gone so Richard said that he was nuts out there yelling and screaming.
Howard asked Benjy if he got laid. Benjy said he didn't. Richard said he didn't get laid either because he has a girlfriend. Richard said Artie was hanging with a bunch of chicks out there and he wasn't sure if he got anything. Artie laughed and said he didn't get laid. He said that there are things that he can't get into once in a while so he can't say.
Artie said that he was gambling until 8am on Saturday morning. He went to bed at about 9am and slept until after 8pm that day. Teddy woke him up and told him that there were two Penthouse pets who wanted to get into the show by going with him. He said that he told Teddy to show off the room and told Teddy to bring them back up to the room. Teddy came back up with the girls and his new agent Rich Super. He said that his accountant's name is Steve Brilliant. He said that's going to end up meaning that when he gets old, he's going to be ''Artie Broke.''
Artie said that the chicks were stunning and only about 22 years old. Howard got some pictures of them and said they really were hot. Artie said that he looks like a lottery winner in the picture. Howard told him that they look like two of the hottest chicks.
Artie talked about how one of the girls was from Belize and she'll be coming up in a couple of weeks. He said that they were Princess and Erica. He went on to talk about how he went out on stage and did his thing after bringing the girls with him to the show. He said that he wanted to see Richard and Benjy do their thing but he didn't want to stick around at the show. He told the girls that he had to leave so he told them they could stay. They wanted to hang out with him so he was going to take them to dinner. As they walked out, there was a line of guys who wanted to meet him. It was a bunch of guys in football shirts and it was like a mile long. He said there were guys yelling his name and wanting to take pictures. He said the girls really wanted to be part of that so they were all taking pictures. He said it took them a half hour to get through the line.
Artie said that the girl from Belize said that he was like a celebrity. After that they went out to eat. Howard asked if the girls grabbed his cock. Artie said that Teddy did. He said that it was just the four of them. Teddy, the two girls and Artie. He went on to say that he told the girls to get whatever they wanted. The bill ended up being $600. They all hung out and talked during dinner and there wasn't much else going on there. He said that the girls both have boyfriends so they couldn't mess around. He said that one of the girls had a boyfriend who is in the military and just got back from Iraq. There was more to it but Artie was playing it down.
Artie said that the girls came back to his room again and they all shot pool and stuff. After about 3 or 4 hours they left. Howard said that sounded nice. He said that he didn't need any soldier mad at him or anything so he didn't want to get into trouble there.
Artie said that these girls are going to be the best guests on the show. He said that he was out at the Penthouse Pet club there in Vegas and there were like 1000 women there dancing in a place that must have been 24,000 square feet. He said that all of the girls were extremely hot. He had a great weekend out there but ended up down about 2 grand after all was said and done.
Howard said that the blonde in the picture had really good skin. Artie said that he told her that she did. Gary came in and told him that they're not booked on the show. Artie wasn't sure if they should book them or not but Gary said that they probably should.
Howard said he had a good time on Letterman. Mariann was going nuts telling him how good he looked and how great he did. Howard said that he thought that he looked like he had hit the wall so hard. He said it was like a head on collision with that wall and Letterman looked better than him. Mariann told him to stop that.
A caller said that he can't believe that Beth can fuck him looking the way he does. He was telling Howard that he looked awful on that show. Howard said that he was sad for Beth seeing himself on TV. He thinks that he looks like a monster. The guys told him to stop that, he's not that bad looking. Howard said that there's nothing that he can do with his looks. He said that he is what he is and he will never be known for his beauty. He said that he can't disagree with this caller.
Artie said that he looked really bad on Letterman the last time he was on. He told Howard that he looked really good in that suit and it fit him good. Howard said that's the one that Dominic Barbara's suit guy, Anthony, made for him.
The caller on the line asked to come to the next roast but Howard told him that he could come to one but they don't have one planned. They're taking a break from that. The guy asked for a tour instead so Howard set him up with that. He said he was going to give him that even though he was goofing on him. Howard said that he knows he's not a good looking guy but he is funny so he's fine with that.
Robin asked Artie if Rev. Bob Levy's engagement party went on out there in Vegas. Artie said that it did happen and they all went to that. They all had a good time at the party but Bob is looking really tired these days. He said he looks like he's going to fall asleep at any moment.
Richard said that Dan the Song Parody Man was out there and he was hanging out with a midget. Artie said that Jeff Beecher has a bunch of midgets there and they all get really, really drunk.
Howard heard that Benjy went to Vegas with no money so that led to Richard talking about what happened with all of that. Benjy had forgotten his ID and all of his money so he ended up trying to cash a personal check out there but couldn't make that happen. Artie said that those two wore suits and they looked like they had just come from an insurance convention or something.
Richard said that on Friday night they went to a rehearsal and took a cab back with some other people so they could split the cost. He said that Benjy had to stop at a Walgreen's to get something and had to inconvenience everyone. Howard cut him off there and told him that he's pretty sure that no one cares.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard about how great he was on Letterman and how good he looked in his suit. He said that the suit was made by this guy Anthony Gilberto.
Howard said that he's done with doing Letterman now and he will never go on again. He thanked Dave for everything but he's done now. That led to the guys talking about how Letterman had come out to say hello to Howard before the show started. He said that he seemed to be very uncomfortable doing that. He said he did have a good time doing it though.
Howard said that he and Benjy came up with the Nodoro subject to talk about on Letterman. He had a whole list of other things to talk about during that appearance but he didn't get to it all. He said that he wanted to read the whole commercial for that product but Dave cut him off.
Dominic told Howard to buy 10 of those suits that Anthony made. Howard said he really did like it. The guys all kissed Howard's ass a little more about the Letterman appearance before Howard said he had to go to break. Artie ended up talking about seeing Robin Leach out there and how he still seems to be able to get the chicks. He said that Pauly Shore was out there hanging out too. He spent a couple of minutes telling Howard about that stuff. Howard said he had to take a break a short time later.
Eric said he was calling in to preempt some stuff because he thought he was going to be a big thing after this weekend. Howard said that he likes Eric but he's not sure why he thinks that he'd be a big topic this morning. Eric said that he was a big topic on SFN. He said that he made two big posts over there and he's boycotting them until they get better. Howard said that he doesn't think that anyone cares about that. He asked Eric if he really thinks that anyone cares.
Howard asked what else he's doing that would make him such a big subject today. Artie asked him if he boycotted shitting himself too. Eric said he tried calling the Playboy radio show and they treated him like crap over there. He said that the producer over there acted like a complete asshole. He said that the screener didn't even take the time to ask him why he was calling. Howard said that shows that they don't think that he's a good caller. His best bet is to just call Howard's show instead. Artie told Eric that he's really good at nothing. Eric told Artie he's good at being fat. Artie told him that being fat got him a shore house.
Howard said that if he knew that this was why Eric was calling his show, he never would have picked up. He asked Eric if he's happy about the new American Idol season starting up. Eric said that he is and he'll be doing a show on the JFSC site on Tuesday night as he's watching the show.
Howard was going to let Eric go but he had more to say. He kept him on but then Ralph called in and Eric got all pissed about that. He said that Ralph calls in every time he's on the phone. Howard asked Eric if he's heard anything from this Kendra chick. Eric said that she was out at Johnny Fratto's house over the weekend shooting his TV show pilot. Howard said he heard that she's dating Johnny's son. Eric said that's not true. He said he got a call from her over the weekend. He said that she called him, he didn't call her. He said that she was at Johnny's doing the show but didn't come out to see him. Howard said that if she was really in love with him, she'd want to see him. Ralph also suggested Eric the incredibly delusional idiot as a new name for him.
Howard asked Eric if she was really that into him, she'd want to come down to his house. Eric said that she has to work and she doesn't have time to do that. Eric said that was a last minute thing. Howard said he doesn't want to see him get used by this chick. Artie said he does.
Eric asked Howard to get him some tickets to the Super Bowl and maybe he could bring this Kendra to see that. The guys pointed out that Eric doesn't do anything for them but he makes demands all the time. Eric said that he's not Howard's puppet. Howard told him that he's not his puppet either.
Robin said that Eric does seem to be a little delusional. Ralph said that his name is starting to stick! The guys asked Eric if Kendra has said that she loves him yet. Eric said that she hasn't said it yet but she's getting close. They talked about how Eric and Kendra haven't even met each other but Eric is calling her his girlfriend. Howard said that it's tough to develop a relationship when you're just talking over the phone.
Eric told the guys that when he and Kendra talk, they're on their web cam all the time. Howard said that he would like to fly both Eric and Kendra out there and have the two of them filmed. He said that would get both of them to meet each other. He said that he will tell Kendra to put up or shut up. He said that he'll even have Ralph in the studio to help out. Eric said that he'll have to talk to Kendra about this before he makes that commitment.
Robin said that she'll never agree to come there and meet Eric. They also asked him about his hair color this morning because it looked a little more natural. Eric said that it's a family history thing and he can't help that he's grey.
Howard said that he wants to help Eric out and get him and Kendra there to meet up. Eric said that he'd talk to her about it and let them know. Howard let Eric go a short time later. Ralph told Eric he really does love him and he's his biggest fan. Eric told him that he's obsessed. He said he's sick of Ralph calling in when he's on.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted to be called and we heard ''Eric the Bastard'' from another one of those audio clips. Then we heard Eric the Butt Fucker, Eric the Idiot, Eric the Actor, Eric the Retard and others. Howard said they were just fucking with him. Eric told everyone to go to JFSC.tv tomorrow night to watch him do his American Idol recap. Artie threw in some more Eric the... names since they had so many new ones today.
Howard was going to let Eric go but he threw in a joke about Artie going to cry on his bed. Eric told him to do that and Artie told him to go fuck his bed. Howard let Eric go a short time later as Ralph did his impression of him saying ''Bye for now...'' Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that one of his heroes is going to be on the show tomorrow. Mel Brooks, who he thinks is one of the funniest men on the planet, is coming in soon. Artie said that this news is so amazing. He said that he can do the movie ''Blazing Saddles'' just about verbatim. He did some lines from that movie and had Howard laughing at that stuff.
Fred said that Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles are two of the greatest movies ever made and Mel is responsible for that. Robin missed the announcement so she came in during the discussion and sounded very surprised. Fred did his Jim Florentine Impression and said that she must have been thinking about his balls. He continued that goofing and played Robins cell phone ringing sound effect.
Howard said that he saw Young Frankenstein on Broadway and loved it. The guys talked about some of his other movies like Space Balls. Robin said that one was a really good movie too. Howard said that he heard that Mel is a big fan of the show and he had no idea.
Lisa also spoke to a dermatologist about Ralph's berry and how they could shave it off if he wanted to get it removed. They don't even need a needle to inject the anesthetic. Howard said that the berry pretty much defines Ralph and he should keep it. Lisa said that Scott Ferrall is going to be in the latest issue of Penthouse which is coming out tomorrow.
Howard asked what happened to the big storm they were supposed to get last night. They got nothing. He said that his mother was talking about it over the weekend when he took them out to dinner. He said his father was having trouble with the menu at the restaurant so he tried to help him out with his ordering. Robin said that they change stuff at these new fangled restaurants and it's too much for him to handle. He said that it's kind of weird that his father can't handle that stuff now.
Howard said that his father knows what kind of food they have and he should understand the menu but he still asks what he should get. He said his mother asks questions too and said that she just wants an appetizer. He said that his father has to explain that to the waiter so he knows to bring it as an entrée.
Howard said his mother was telling him about this big Noreaster they were supposed to get this weekend. She said that she went out and got a ton of food and stuff to make sure they were prepared. Then nothing showed up. Robin said that she was going to stay down at the shore over the weekend but she thought they were going to get the storm and couldn't stay down there.
KC said that he was told he didn't have a drinking or drug problem, he's just fuckin crazy. He said that he's been trying to undo what his father did to him when he was growing up. He's got some kind of chemical thing going on and that's his real problem.
Howard asked KC why he was in jail for the last 2 or 3 days. KC said he was locked up when he was driving around his loaner car from the dealership where his car was being fixed. The car had no plates on it. He said the dealer told him to just show the papers he had if he did get pulled over. KC said he was very cordial to the officer who asked him to get out of the car and had him put his hands behind his back. He then arrested him for outstanding warrants. His license was suspended in New York and out in California.
KC said that he's been gambling lately because if you don't have a car in L.A. you're dead. He said that one time in New York he was drinking while his friend was driving and that followed him out there. KC said he got his car repossessed out in L.A. He didn't have insurance on that. Howard said that this is all going wrong for him.
KC said that he has to make money so he can't just sit in his house. He has to go out and he gambles when he drives. He said that he's in his car now and sitting in there not going anywhere. He drove it a little bit so he wouldn't wake up his roommate. He said that he doesn't have a car now because the cops took it. Now he's got his girlfriend's car and she'd be pissed if she knew he took it.
KC said that he's out on bail now. He told the guys about this homeless guy in jail who kept shitting and stinking up the place. Howard asked him if his girlfriend is going to get pissed if she knows he took her car. KC said she's not going to wake up so Artie asked him if he killed her.
Howard asked KC why he drove the car instead of just getting in the car and talking on the phone. KC was afraid of waking people up with his talking. KC said that he wanted to feel like he was speaking in private.
Howard gave KC a plug for this event he's hosting down in Rio. KC said that he's going to court before that and he's hoping he'll be able to go out for that. He said that he can't afford a lawyer so he won't have one at court. He said he just owes a lot of money and stuff so that's no big deal.
Artie asked KC how much he owes. He said that it's a few thousand. Howard gave him a plug for his Myspace page, Myspace.com/KCArmstrong, because KC is looking for some women to help him host some event he's doing.
KC said that this fight thing he's doing, Rio Heroes 14, is really big right now and he thinks that he can make some money doing that. Howard wished him luck with all of this stuff. Howard had to let him go a short time later. they all wished him luck and told him to stay on the meds.
Artie said that he loves that guy but he doesn't know what's going on with him. He went on to say that a few years ago he got a panicked call from KC begging him for $1000. He had to Western Union him the money. He said that KC told him he was fine but it seems like he's always on the verge of disaster. He said that he's begged him to go out and get himself a job that has some long term effects so he's not like this all the time.
Artie had some fun goofing on T.O. He was doing an impression of him and giving him his big ''Wahhh'' comments. He had Howard and Robin laughing at that. Artie said that was all music to his ears. He said he saw Sports Center on Sunday afternoon and he really liked hearing that they lost after seeing him on that show.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Howard's Letterman appearance. He thought it was great and Howard looked fine on his tiny TV. He figured that it was all of the HDTV fags who were complaining about Howard's look. Howard said that he's going to retire from Letterman after that appearance because he did so well and he should go out on a high note.
Howard said that there was a lot of coverage of that appearance. He said that they gave a lot of coverage to Leno and Kimmel doing each other's shows that night. Howard said that it's time to give up the whole thing and stop doing the late night shows.
Howard said that he's not sure of the exact day in February but it's coming up on a year that the merger has been on hold. He said that it seems like the government is trying to put them both out of business. Ralph called in and said that no one looks good in HD, it's horrible. He was also talking about how Tony Romo has been playing awful since he started dating Jessica Simpson. The guys got back to that discussion and spent a few more minutes on that.
The guys were talking about whether or not they think that Jessica Simpson could be ruining Tony's playing. They went on vacation together and that's what some people think ruined him. Artie said that he would have put a stop to that if he was in charge of the guy.
Howard said that he relates that to his chess playing. He's been on a horrible losing streak lately and he spoke to the guy who was teaching him. He said he was about to give up the game because he was feeling stupid. He said that the guy told him it's just a game and if he's not having fun with it, he should stop. He got some pointers from the guy and he was told to go play a much higher rated player to take the pressure off of him.
Howard said he went and played a guy who was 100 points higher than him and he ended up beating him. That was a release of pressure for him. He thinks that Tony Romo is on the top of the world with this Jessica Simpson and he really doesn't care about playing football now. Ralph said he might be right because football is a total mind set type of game.
Howard and the guys talked about the Giants a little more. Howard wondered if they can beat the Packers. Artie said that he'd like to hear tape of Robin talking about how the Cowboys were going to kill the Giants last week. Robin said that the Packers are having a great year and she thinks that they're going to win. Artie said that it should make for a good game and it's actually a good match up. He doesn't think that they're going to be able to win against the Packers though.
Howard said that he didn't see the Packers game over the weekend. Robin and Artie said that they were good though. Howard asked if they could name anyone else other than Favre on that team. Robin just laughed, Artie didn't have any other names to throw out there.
Howard played a clip of Bryant Gumble saying ''shit injury'' instead of ''shin injury'' during a broadcast. He had another clip of a Lakers player cursing during an interview. He played that one and the guy says ''fuckin'' but catches himself and stops.
Howard said he was watching this Katt Williams special and this comedian Melanie Camacho talks about Flavor Flav and goofs on his looks and said that she's rather have the pig nuts on Fear Factor than make out with him. Artie said that she's one of the exceptions to the rule that women aren't funny. Howard said that she's got a great body and face. Robin said that she's ''ghetto fabulous'' which means that she's still ghetto but very beautiful.
Howard said that he could go out on those mad tears again but he'd have to give up Beth to do that and he doesn't want to do that. The woman on the phone asked him to come on SFN and interact with them. Howard said that he interacts with them on the radio. She said that they miss him so much over at SFN. Howard said that he used to do that on his web site but he hated it. He said that he used to go on and do it. She was begging him to come on and do something and kept saying ''please, please...'' Robin said that he has to leave them wanting and can't be on there all the time.
Howard thanked the woman for calling and said she was a bore after hanging up on her. She said that she's the only Iranian fan he has.
Robin mentioned that the movie ''There Will Be Blood'' was great. Artie and Howard liked it as well. They talked about how good it was and asked Robin if she remembered to bring it back for Artie. She forgot it but said she'd get it back to him. Artie said that Howard is really good about getting stuff back to him in the exact way it was given to him.
Richard Christy says that Robin borrowed some movies a few years ago and never gave them back to him. He came in and told her which ones they were since she didn't remember.
Howard said that he does pick up on him once in a while but he can't pick up all the time. Gary also said that Jeff has turned them down for stuff when they've asked him to come in. Jeff said that was just one time. Howard thanked Jeff for the call and let him go so he could go to break. He said he might to play some of his Letterman clips later but Artie said he wanted to hear some of the beginning because he missed the first 30 seconds or so. Howard played that opening where Letterman introduces him and he comes out and talks about Dave greeting him.
Howard wasn't sure if anyone wanted to hear that stuff but Artie said that he would. He said he could listen to it off the air if he didn't want to play it. Howard ended up playing a few more clips from the interview where he was on fire joking around with Dave.
Howard explained part of that discussion and how Dave had invited him to his staff party where he didn't even show up until the end of the party. He said that Bill Wendel didn't like him for some reason and the guy ended up kicking him out of that party. He said he showed up at the party and saw that it was all employees so he said hello to everyone and then left. He said that the story got back to Dave and Dave thought that it was Bill who had chased him out of the party. That's not what happened though, he just left.
Howard said that he didn't even know Bill Wendel and never got kicked out of that party. Dave might be under the impression that he did but that just didn't happen.
Howard said Dave caught him off guard with that story because there was never such an event. Robin said that Dave does that to him but not to any other guests. He brought up stuff that Howard wasn't prepared to talk about.
Howard had some other clips to play from that interview. Howard talked to Dave about how they tried to be friends and Dave mentioned that it was tough to be friends with him because of the things he's said about his girlfriend. Howard said that Dave told him one time that he would never forgive him for what he said about his girlfriend years ago. Howard didn't want to sit there and play his own clips, it was embarrassing. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and talked about the Bowie song for a few seconds and waited for it to fade out. He said that Benjy was telling him that he missed his Letterman appearance and he wanted to hear it. He said that someone sent him a note about how Val Kilmer is trying to get a band going now and he's gotten totally fat lately. JD said that he was the one who sent out the e-mail and he's not sure if he's trying to get a whole career going. He said that he did two songs for a charity thing and they were just covers. He said he found out through his Myspace page.
Howard played some clips of Val singing a cover of Neil Young's ''After the Gold Rush'' and it was so bad that Howard thought he was kidding with this. He said that's one weird dude right there. Artie came in after going to the bathroom and thought it was hilarious when they told him it was Val Kilmer singing.
Howard played another one of Val's songs where he wasn't quite as bad. He said he was kind of digging it but he sure wouldn't pay for it. JD said it would only cost him 99 cents but Howard said that sounds kind of like a lot of money for that song.
Howard played another one of Val's songs and JD warned him that it was the worst of them. He was right. Howard said it sounded a little like he was doing a Pearl Jam thing but his voice was awful. Howard played some of Clif Palette's ''For those About to Rock'' cover and said that was just as good.
Howard played more of Val's songs and said he could listen to every one. Artie asked Fred to play some of the real songs so he could get that crap out of his head. Howard said he had one that would help and played Big Foot Mark singing ''Hotel California.'' That led to him talking about how they've been unable to find him lately. They wanted to have him in to do something but he's nowhere to be found.
Howard said that he's kind of torn with Gary because he thinks that he should be a suit guy sometimes, kind of like how Tim Sabean is. He said that he's always got a suit on while Gary never wears one to work. He said that you feel like something important is going on when people wear suits to work.
Gary came in and said that someone was telling him that he needs to lose some weight and maybe dress a little nicer. He was told that he has to work on that look he has at work. Gary said that he's completely right and he does have to spruce up his image a little bit. Howard said that the producers over at Letterman don't dress all that well but they are put together a little nicer. Gary said he is working on it.
Howard said that he's fine with Gary looking the way he does but some people might like it better if he was dressed a little nicer.
Gary said that he's hoping to lose weight first and then get a suit. Howard told him not to wait, he should just get the suit and have it taken in if he loses the weight. A caller said that it would have been great if Gary had worn his beekeeper's mask out to Letterman. Howard said that is a look and that would have been great. Artie said that he hadn't showered since coming home from Vegas yet so he was a mess this morning.
Ralph called in and said that Gary was shooting some stuff for Howard TV last week and Gary was doing in dressed like a slob and he should have known that was coming. Gary said that he didn't know they were doing that because they spring that stuff on him at the last minute.
Ralph told Gary about the Oakley sunglasses he was wearing one time and how bad they looked on him. Gary said that Ralph came in the other day wearing something that he wasn't sure were slippers or sneakers. Ralph said they were cool, that's all that counts.
A caller asked Howard about his interview and if he had been censored at one point. Howard didn't think they cut anything from what he could tell. He said that Dave did kind of stop him from talking about the smelly penis cream but they didn't cut anything.
Another caller said that when he saw Gary on Letterman he got startled and wasn't able to fall asleep after seeing him. Gary asked him to go through that again and tell him how he could possibly have been bothered by his look. The guy said he was really startled.
Howard said that he is really going to invite Dave to dinner one night since he said he would do that on the show. He said that he understands Dave's dilemma about people talking about his girlfriend and he will invite him out to dinner one night. He said that he would apologize to Dave's girlfriend. He said he'd be willing to do that even if he'll be uncomfortable.
Gary said that he thinks that Howard could sit down to dinner with anyone he's ever bad mouthed and apologize to them and make them feel at ease.
Howard said that Gary sitting next to Beth wasn't Gary's idea, they had him go over to her before they went to that shot. Gary said that Biff Henderson told him to go over there.
Bobo called in and talked to Howard about the Letterman appearance. They spent a couple of minutes on that. Then another caller brought up the special that Howard TV did with Gary at a gourmet chocolate store. He said that they were zooming in on Gary's face as he was chewing. Gary said that they really screwed up over there because after the shot the show, they told him that there was a problem with the camera and they had to do it all over again. He said he ate about 60 pieces of candy that day.
Howard asked Gary how old he is. He said that he's always been self conscious about his teeth but he's getting a little old to be getting braces. Gary said he's going to see the guy no matter what. He knows that the braces would look weird and he'd sound strange for about a week. Gary said that he'd probably have to wear them for 18 months. Artie said that he thinks it would be great for comedy and a great promotion for the show and for SIRIUS.
Gary said that the orthodontist doesn't know the show and his wife was telling him that the people he works with make fun of him. The guy told her that they'll have to find something else to make fun of him about.
Gary said that he's thinking about getting that overbite pulled back a bit, he's not trying to make his teeth smaller. He said that he might have to get a lip reduction later on if that works. Robin told him to just go for it and do what makes him happy. Gary said that he's having second thoughts now because Robin is being evil.
Gary said that he's going to try and do that and lose weight over the time he's got the braces on. Howard said that poor Gary will probably do that and then he'll get hit by a truck right after he takes the braces off.
Howard doesn't think they'll be able to do anything with those teeth the way they are. He said they'd have to put something like the Brooklyn Bridge on his teeth.
Gary said that his kids had braces and they came out really good. He knows some other adults who had braces and he knows what he's going to have to go through.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that he heard that Halliburton got the contract to put the braces on. Artie said that he met Yucko and his girlfriend over the weekend and his girlfriend was booking gigs and stuff with them. Artie said that he should slow it up with her. Gary said that he's heard the same thing and that it's always ''we'' when they talk about doing stuff.
Howard saw Sal with a Gary Puppet head on with braces and he looked in a mirror and scared himself. Howard got a laugh out of that. He took some more phone calls and let some people goof on him. One guy said that Gary getting braces is like Eric the Midget dying his hair. Another guy said that he
Howard asked John what he does. He's a plastic surgeon. Howard said that he deserves a hot chick then. He works out of Cornell in Manhattan so Howard figured that he must be good then. John said that he does some female genital reconstruction. He said that there are a lot of women who aren't happy with the way they look and they work on making it look better.
Howard asked John how long he was married the first time. He said it was about 8 years. He said they were together for a long time. He was telling Howard that he lucked out with Diana having a perfect vagina that didn't need any work.
Howard asked Diana if she'd show her vagina to them. She said that she would if John was okay with it. Artie said that John freaked when he heard that. Howard wanted Robin to pull down her pants and show the doctor what her's looks like. They had Fred doing his Jim Florentine impression describing it and he said it looked like a ''fleshy canoe.''
Howard asked what the biggest surgery is out there. John said that the fillers and botox are the biggest but breast implants are still pretty big. He said that they met on a blind date that their dentist had set up.
Artie asked John if he has pictures of other pussies out there that the women can check out to pick out what they want. He said they do and they have that up on his web site LabiaCosmetic.com.
Howard asked John if he thinks that Gary getting braces is a good idea. He thinks that it is because it would make Gary feel better after getting tortured for all these years. Artie said they have this Penthouse chick who came in who had huge labia and maybe he could help her out. The guys weren't sure she wanted any help though. Howard thanked Dr. John and Diana for coming in and then went to break.
Steve said that they're working on a story about Howard's appearance on Letterman. They'll have some behind the scenes reports. They heard one fan saying that he wanted to be a suicide bomber for him. Howard said that Steve kept the microphone on him the whole time and he was always afraid of what he may have said. He said that Steve will then turn to you and say that you're brilliant and the annoyance goes away. He said that Steve was even impressed with his discussion with the producer there.
Howard said he likes that Steve was there blowing smoke up his ass. Steve told him that it was historic and one of the greatest late night performances of all time. Howard said he has to agree with him there. Steve said that it was like watching the two best doing what they do. Artie wanted to know his favorite line of the appearance. Steve wasn't able to think of anything at the time, he said he did take notes though.
Artie challenged Steve to remember just one line from the appearance. Steve wasn't able to come up with anything so Artie told him he was a phony. Steve said that at one point Howard tells the producer about the Nodoro thing and the woman says ''Oh dear...'' as if she was worried about that subject.
Steve said they'll have more on the High Pitch Eric threatening phone calls story. The woman who was getting the calls wants to drop the charges but the cops are saying they may have to go through with it because of the seriousness of the threats.
Steve said that they'll have a story about High Pitch Mike and how he has a broken TV and he's still not opening up the big screen TV that's still in the box. Mike won't allow them in to see if he still has the TV or not.
Howard thanked Steve for that and had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about the AVN award discussions they had earlier this morning. They'll also talk about Howard's Letterman appearance, Eric the Midget's call, KC Armstrong's call and much, much more.
Howard read through some e-mail about Earthquake's appearance on the show last week. A lot of people thought he was great on the show. There are people who are loving Eric the Midget calling in lately. Artie said that he really is funny, especially when they put him on the camera on Howard TV.
Howard said he got an e-mail saying that Captain Janks is in the hospital with a burst appendix. His roommate sent in the mail letting them know.
Robin started her news with a story about OJ Simpson getting arrested over the weekend. She also talked about the Golden Globe awards and how they turned into basically a press conference. Howard said he feels bad for the film industry. He said that the Golden Globes help sell tickets to movies that aren't that well known, like ''Juno'' and things like that. He said that the people who work in the film industry could end up losing a lot of money because of this writer's strike. He heard that this strike could drag out for a really long time too.
Howard let Janks go after that and took a call from a woman who asked how long he's been watching her. The woman, Erica, was asking about his spying on her. Howard told Robin that he just goes along with them now and pretends that he's actually watching them. Erica said she wants to know what Howard is doing by watching her and she'd like to come on the show. Howard said that he thinks that she needs a labiaplasty, he learned that from watching her.
Howard said that he likes to look at her naked and that's why he's been watching her. He said he likes to see right up her ass when she bends over. She kept asking to come in to meet him but Howard said he's not sure he wants to do that. He said he'd like to find out how much more interesting she is before he has her in. He asked her how she knew that he was watching her. She wanted to come on the show to continue the discussion but Howard told her that he doesn't have the right type of security for her to come in.
Howard told Erica that he was going to stop watching her as of right then. She didn't think that he was going to stop and she really wanted to come in and meet them. She kept saying that over and over again but Howard wanted her to answer some questions first. He said that he doesn't believe that she'd show up. She promised that she would show up.
Howard asked Erica what the worst part of him watching her was. She wanted to know how long ago it was that he started watching her. She wondered how he found out about her existence and things like that. Howard asked her what was so bad about him watching her. She said that she doesn't like people watching her doing things intimate. Howard said it must be the masturbation thing and she said that was just one of the things. Howard said he loves when she takes a big smelly dump too.
Erica asked Howard how he knew of her existence. Howard said that he sees all and knows all and he picks one person to focus on once in a while and she just happened to be that person. He said he hasn't grown bored with her. Howard eventually got rid of Erica and told her that he's not going to watch her anymore. Artie said that he'd keep watching her if Howard gave it up. She asked them not to keep watching.
Robin asked Erica if she has SIRIUS. She doesn't so Robin asked why they were wasting their time with her if she doesn't even have it. Howard let her go and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard talked to Diana, Dr. John's wife, about the heels she was wearing this morning. Robin was reading a story about that in the news so it was a good segue right into that story.
Howard took a call from this guy Chris who said that he loved seeing him on Letterman the other night. He had a speech impediment so Howard asked him if he's just nerdy or brain damaged. He said he'd just got the hair lip thing going. Howard figured he was nerdy then. He said that he looks fine, he has a moustache and can hide it. He said that he does get some chicks once in a while but they're probably ''mercy chicks.'' He said that the moustache hides the scars and stuff. Dr. John said that he doesn't do that stuff anymore when Howard asked him about it.
Howard let Chris go and had Robin get back to her news. She had Howard playing some clips of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama audio clips. They spent a few minutes talking about that stuff for a short time. Robin said that the first black billionaire has come out in support of Hillary.
Howard ended up talking to Dr. John about his marriage and if they had to have a pre-nuptial agreement. John said they did and it did cause some issues. He said that she's going to come into some money herself and the money that she'll come into will bury him as far as the kind of money he makes. He said that her mother's side of the family is one of the biggest home builders in the country. She said that doesn't mean anything though. She said that they built the Golden Gate Bridge and the Hoover Dam but then her grandfather stopped working in the business. She said that her family might have some money but she really doesn't have that much herself. She has cousins who have billions.
Diana said that she went to boarding school and things like that when she was growing up. Howard asked Diana if she ever messed around with girls. She said she never did but Howard thought that Dr. John was saying that she might be lying about that. Howard tried to get more out of Diana but she wasn't going there so Howard had Robin get back to her news.
Robin said that she was there with her nephew and she never said that she spent any time with Jim. She said that maybe she just snuck in and snuck out. Howard spent a minute with her talking about that stuff and then let Steve go.
Robin read through a couple more stories and wrapped up after that. Howard ended the show around 10:50am after thanking John and Diana for their donation to the North Shore Animal League. He spent a little more time talking about how hot Diana was before Artie got in a few comedy show plugs.
Artie said that's why he came in. He then went right into a story about Teddy coming to wake him up on Saturday night to tell him about the Penthouse Pets that they handed over to them. They wanted them to go arm and arm with Artie down the red carpet. Teddy said that they hung out with them all night.
Artie said that his stand-up agent, Rich Super, had the girls with him down in the bar. He was talking about how great the room was he had at the Luxor hotel. He said that it was awesome and that's the place to stay out there.
Gary asked Artie about the AVN awards and if he feels creepy being there. Artie said he did feel creepy. He said that they all have fun out there though. He said they used to do a banquet type of thing but this time it was at an event center with 6,000 seats like they would sit in at the Garden or something. He said that Greg Fitzsimmons was a great host and destroyed there for like 15 minutes. Then they went into the awards.
Artie said that the whole thing went really good and it wasn't as creepy as it used to be. He got back to the hot Penthouse chicks and how he gave the girls a tour of the room for about 10 minutes. They played some pool and stuff and the girls were on his arm the whole time. He was introducing them as his wife and fiancé. They were even whipping out their tits once in a while according to Teddy.
Artie said that he went up and did his thing up on stage giving out the two awards. He said it was a great Vegas night and nothing too crazy happened. He said that the AVNs were great and all but they cut some corners as far as giving ground transportation and things like that. He was kind of annoyed with that. Artie said that Jeff Beacher set up the car and setting him up at the Luxor.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he misses Artie with Dana because he doesn't like hearing him going out to Vegas and doing what he's doing. He said that maybe his gambling and drinking would slow down if he was with someone like her again.
The guy brought up the Giant's game too so that led to the guys spending some time on football discussions. They were talking about some of the stuff they were going over this morning and then they brought up Deon Sanders and talked about those goofy clips they used to play. Gary said that he ran into Deon one time at an event and he kept asking him where he knew him from. Gary said he kept telling him that he didn't know him, but Deon knew who he was and kept messing with him.
Ralph called in and asked how they can hate football teams so much these days when they have this free agent thing going on and the players are moving around all the time. He thinks that it should be individual players. Artie said that it goes back to when they were kids and the teams that they liked. You got to hate the other teams and it carries on through adulthood. He said it's more of a dig at the fans who are still cheering for those teams that you hate. Ralph said he was getting it now. The guys spent a few more minutes on the Giants game.
Artie said that Jim McClure gave him a note about the Deon Sanders thing that he was trying to come up with earlier. He read some of that and cracked himself up thinking about those clips they used to play on the show.
Artie said that he saw Bubba out at the AVN awards. He said that he came out in one of those suits that he wears. His wife was there and she looked like one of the hottest chicks there. Bubba has put on like 80 pounds and he thinks that this schedule of his is going to kill him. He said that Heather really looked unbelievable though. Ralph said that Bubba has like 50 guys working for him and that's one problem he has.
Jon took some phone calls and one woman told Artie how much she loves him. She said she had a sex dream about him the other night. She said that she thought about him licking her pussy and she may have had a wet dream. She said it felt real to her in the dream. Artie wanted to know what she looked like. She said she's 5'4'' tall and weighs about 104 pounds. She said she's 30 years old and she looks kind of like Goldie Hawn, in her good years. Artie said that she was one of his favorites back then. He said that she was describing one of the hottest chicks ever and she was downplaying it.
Artie asked her about her tits and she said that they were just B's. She also said that she smokes pot which came out after Gary asked her about smoking cigarettes. She had a bit of a husky voice but Artie didn't seem to mind it. He told Teddy to book a show up in Toronto so he could go up there to meet her. She didn't have a computer at home but she said she'd send some pictures when she goes back to work. She said that she'd like to fuck him and just have some fun with him if she could.
Artie said that's worth exploring. The woman's name was Kimberly but Gary warned him that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Jon played a clip of Gary talking about getting braces and that got the guys into that discussion. Gary said that he told Jon and Jason about what he was going to be doing and asked if he should just show up with the braces one day.
Gary said that he's not sure why he wants to do it now. He said that the orthodontist did a good job with his kids and he's got friend who had their teeth done so he's thinking about doing it himself. Artie said that when someone asks that question, it's like saying ''Gary, you've been grotesque your whole life, you're pushing 50 now, so why bother?''
Gary said that it's going to cost a lot of money, maybe 6 or 7 thousand dollars and he should just do it himself and not try to get sponsors to help. Artie said that he thinks he should get a sponsor though. Gary said he's got an appointment this Friday and the nurse told him that they might set him up with braces that day if he goes in and has a good consultation.
Gary said that he's checked into the Invisalign stuff and heard that they don't work as good as the regular ones. Sal was goofing on Gary about the whole braces thing so Gary threw out a joke about how he can get rid of them in 18 months, he wondered how long it'll take Sal's wife to get rid of her emotional friend.
Jon took some more phone calls and let some people goof on Gary about his braces. One guy told him about this dentist in the city who could do a whole thing where they could predict what he'd look like when they're done with the braces thing.
Sal was in and throwing out some jokes about Gary getting braces. They were talking about the old braces that were like railroad tracks years ago. Jon said that his daughter has braces and they can change the color each time she goes in. Gary said that they could change the colors each time he goes in so he could get something for the Mets season. Artie suggested lavender as the color for Mets season.
Gary said that he was told that if they had given him braces when he was a kid that they would have broken his jaw to make it work right. Sal was throwing out jokes and Gary was goofing on Sal about his lack of history knowledge. Sal didn't care though.
Ralph called back and told Gary not to bother, this is like he's just got money burning through his pocket. He said that if he looked at him and thought he had bad teeth, he'd think it was the right thing to do. He said he looks at him and thinks he just needs to lose weight and that's what he should concentrate on. That and wearing a suit.
Gary said that he has to wear a suit tonight and he's been wearing them out quite a bit lately. He said that he'd like to get a suit and look better every day. Ralph said he really doesn't see the overbite that Gary thinks he has. He just thinks the weight thing should happen first. He thinks that the braces are a waste of money at this point. Gary said that he's just going for the consultation this week. They had to take a break a short time later.
Gary heard that Benjy went into the bathroom on the plane and brought a big bag in there with him and stayed there for 30 minutes. Benjy said that relates to another story from Vegas that will probably come out later. Gary also heard that Benjy was eating salad at one point and he was spilling it on the other people on the plane.
Jon said that Richard seemed kind of bummed out about getting kicked out of the studio today. Richard said he was and he was afraid of boring everyone on this show. Gary told him that he wants to hear the stories but Richard wanted him to tell them himself instead.
Jon took a call from a woman who told Gary not to listen to anyone else and just get the braces. She said that he shouldn't be taking advice from Ralph who has a berry on his face. Jon said that he said that he was afraid of the needle, that's why he never got it taken off.
Another caller told Gary he doesn't need braces. He said that's like putting perfume on a pig, it ain't gonna do anything. Sal said he agrees, but not for the same reason. He said that those teeth are part of Gary's personality. He said his teeth are everything. He said that no one would bust his balls if he didn't have those teeth. He figures his lips will hang like deflated garbage bags if he moves the teeth. He thinks he'll look odd like Star Jones does now. He described her as looking like a burnt praying mantis now.
Benjy said that there was a story about a comedian, Vaughn Meter, who lost his whole act after John Kennedy died. They talked about Pam Anderson getting her implants taken out and how that screwed her up.
Ralph called back in and told Benjy that his voice is all messed up today and the stuff he was saying wasn't that important so he could leave. Ralph said that people were calling him and telling him that Benjy shouldn't be on.
Gary asked Ralph about his teeth since he got them fixed at one point. Ralph said they were okay after that but they've drifted again. He just can't afford to get them fixed again. Gary also asked him about the berry on his face and why he hasn't done anything about it. Ralph said that he barely notices it anymore and it's not that bad. He was going to get it taken off but the needle scared him. He said that Stamos' girlfriend also thought that it was kind of cute so now he's thinking about keeping it. He said it might be the source of his powers and if he removes it, he's fucked.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that taking that berry off is like throwing a deck chair from the Queen May, it ain't gonna make a big difference. Ralph agreed with him and he knows that's the problem.
Benjy told Ralph that Dr. John told them that he could remove the berry. Dr. John was sitting in the studio so Sal asked him about some of his problems and how he'd like to have the bags under his eyes bleached. He said he actually tried some of the asshole bleaching cream on his eyes and burned them so he never did it again.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he saw Dr. John's web site and the women there should shave down before the before and after pictures. He was also telling Gary that he should get the braces.
The guys asked Gary what he'd like to do if Howard retires in 3 years. Gary said he's not sure if he'd stay in the radio business. He said that he likes sports so maybe he'd do something with a sports show. He said he'd like to work behind the scenes for a Letterman type show or something like that. He said that a talent like Howard only comes around once in a lifetime. He knows people who have worked with a bunch of celebrity shows and they just bounce around.
A woman called in and told Gary to do his teeth because it will make him happy. She also brought up the Artie dating thing and asked how she can get in on something like that. Gary said that she's much more normal for her to call in like this than the other girl who said she had a sex dream about him. Gary told her that if she wants to try and get a date with him, she should send a letter and let him know. Sal asked her for her height and weight. She said that she was 5'3'' and 115 pounds. She thought that wasn't thin but the guys said that sounded fine. She's turning 37 next month. Gary told her to send the letter to him with another envelope with pictures so he can pass that along to Artie.
Sal was goofing around talking about this woman having a bit of a yappy thing going on and that's why she may not get dates. Gary said she was only on the phone for like 70 seconds, you can't judge her by that.
Gary said that Benjy has very little pop culture experience and when you ask him a question about something like the Brady Bunch, he has no idea what you're talking about. They spent a minute on that and then Jon took some more phone calls.
One guy called in and said that Sal talking about Star Jones looking like a burnt praying mantis was one of the funniest things he's ever heard on the show. He also brought up the Terrell Owens discussion and that got the guys talking about that for a short time.
Jon said that he was going to ask Richard about the movies that Robin never returned to him but he had left. Sal said that Richard is really pissed about that, it's been over 3 years since he gave them to her. Richard came running back in and said that he's not that pissed, he's just annoyed. He said that he think that she would have returned them if it was someone else she'd borrowed them from. They had to rush through that and then ended the show.
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Howard started off the show talking about a story in the NY Post about Katie Holmes going around and doing some interviews. He said he watched some of those appearances and it's shocking how they treat her like she's a princess now. Robin said that she's like Princess Diana. Howard said there's a book out about how Scientology seems to be controlling people like Tom Cruise and Diane Sawyer didn't ask a thing about that. He said that Katie acts like a 40 year old robot even though she's only 25 years old.
Howard said that everyone at Good Morning America is scrambling and saying that Diane was working her way into those kind of questions but they cut the interview short. Robin wondered how is managing everything and making it so hard to ask questions like that. Howard said he read that they didn't have any restrictions about what type of questions to ask but it's like they're afraid of asking.
Fred said that Tom Cruise might yell at them if they ask that kind of stuff because he did that to Matt Lauer one time. Howard said he was going to play some clips from these interviews because Katie is talking about how magical her baby was and things like that.
Howard said he had to bail on the interviews when he was watching because they were so boring. JD said that they all seemed to follow the same format and everyone went in the same order with the type of questions they asked.
JD told Howard that he had edited in a bunch of various questions from all of the interviews Katie did. He told Howard about them but Howard had no idea what he was talking about. He wasn't sure what to play and didn't know what these montage clips were. He wanted to hear them ahead of time before playing those.
JD had pulled some of the clips from individual interviews so Howard played some of those. He had one where they were asking Katie about what's normal for them. Katie's answer sounded very programmed and she answered in a monotone.
Howard said he heard Katie talking about her baby's first words. He said that when you have someone like that on your show, that's not the kind of stuff you ask.
Howard played a clip from last night's Letterman show where he was interviewing Katie and she was talking about the time that her baby sleeps until and they got applause over that. Then Katie asks Dave about his holidays and turns it back on him with more boring crap.
Artie said that there were rumors about Tom Cruise having a scene of Katie's cut out of a movie that she had just done. He said that seems really controlling when someone does that with your career. Howard said that meanwhile, Katie is in some shitty movie with Queen Latifah. He wonders who is going to go see that movie. He said he was pulling his hair out thinking about what to do on Letterman and then Katie goes on and talks about her baby.
Howard played another Letterman clip where Katie was talking about how great her child is and how she hopes that she becomes an actress. Howard said that she's just a weirdo. He said that the right answer would be to say that she doesn't care what her child does as long as she's happy.
Howard had some clips from some other interviews that Katie did where she's talking about how great Tom Cruise is for her and how normal their life is. She said something about knowing her husband and knowing her kids and that's what they focus on. Artie pointed out how ridiculous that sounded.
Howard played some of the montage clips that JD told him about earlier. He said that he should play them since JD put so much work into that stuff. JD had put together some of the similar questions that all of the interviewers had asked Katie.
Artie asked Howard if the things he's done for this culture are more of an influence on society than this Queen Latifah movie. Howard said of course it has. He played more of the montage clips and continued to goof on the way these interviewers have no ability to ask anything relevant. They were all asking the same questions about her running the New York City marathon and about things about her family out in Colorado.
Howard said he was reading in the paper about a clip of Tom Cruise making a speech about Scientology somewhere and it's supposed to be hitting the web soon. Artie said he'd love to see something like that.
Howard brought up Britney Spears and how crazy she seems to be these days. He was talking about how she must be a great chick to bang when she's that nuts. That led to him asking Artie about his favorite whore out in Vegas. Artie said that he's thinking about writing about her in his book can calling the chapter ''My Favorite Whore.'' He said that she's got a 10 year old kid that he's seen pictures of and it's kind of strange when that happens. He also said that she's given him a couple of freebies over the past year and a half. He said that it's almost like a boyfriend / girlfriend thing when he sees her now.
Artie said that this girl is such a sweet person and she doesn't live in Vegas, she just goes there to some ''big money weekends.'' He said that she can sometimes make $30,000 in one weekend out there. Artie said that the Penthouse Club gave him some money the other night and he ended up giving most of it to just one stripper because he wanted to get out of there and go gambling.
Artie said that this whore's kid is adorable and she's got stories about the kid's father that are very entertaining. He said that when you spend a lot of time with someone like that you learn that kind of stuff. He said that he loves her... and caught himself and stopped right there. Howard and Robin let out some sighs when they heard that.
Artie said that this chick doesn't know how to use chopsticks and she's obviously not from some rich family or anything. He said the past couple of times he's gone out there he hasn't had to pay for her. He just takes her out to dinner and stuff. He told the guys that she's not looking for him to pay her anymore. Robin and Howard let out a couple of Wows over that.
Artie said that this girl looks kind of like Jenny McCarthy to him. Howard said that sounds wild and maybe he should just date her. Artie isn't interested in that. Howard told him about this guy he knows who is married to a really classy chick. He said that he heard from someone that the woman used to be a hooker. He said they cleaned her up and straightened her out and they've had a great life together since then.
Artie said that these women aren't lepers. He said that he tried to get her to call into the show the last time he saw her. She won't do that though and doesn't want Howard to be demeaning to her and stuff. He tried to convince her that he's really not like that but it's not easy to do that.
Howard joked that she's also a state senator and that's why she doesn't want to be found out. He was just kidding about that. He told Howard about a girl he met down in Philly who was very smart and went to Harvard. He said he got her number and thought about calling her to go out on a date but that's even more scary than going out with a whore. He said that he'd hate for that to ruin a relationship with her knowing that he's been out with whores.
Howard said he had some audio of Artie's favorite hooker. He played some porn movie clips and said that was her taking it in the ass. Howard said he thinks that Artie doesn't have a problem with the woman being a whore, he's got a problem with her having a kid. Artie said that the whole kid thing is kind of weird to him.
Howard ended up playing some clips from ''Blazing Saddles'' and talked about how that movie probably couldn't be made in today's day and age. He said he was going to see if Mel could recite the lines from his movie like Artie does. The caller was quoting some of the lines from the movie and telling Howard how great they were.
Howard said that Mel will be there eventually, he's very much into doing the interview from what he's heard. He let the caller go after he mentioned some stuff that he didn't seem interested in.
Howard read some of the mail and one guy was telling him not to get metal braces. Another guy told him not to get them because his mother got them when she was older and it ruined her teeth. She had to remove all of her teeth and get implants that cost upwards of $60,000. Gary said that sounded like an isolated incident to him.
Howard told Gary that he really should take the Howard TV guys with him to his consultation but Gary said he's not going to do that. Howard said that it would be great because the dentist might pass out like people do when they see Herman Munster. That led to Howard talking about how great The Munsters were and about watching them the other day and seeing a great episode. He explained the episode to the guys and how Herman was at a costume party and people thought he was in costume and people eventually run away from him and never return when they realize he's not in costume.
Howard said that he was actually watching that episode on Ralph's iPhone of all places. Both of them were sitting there watching it. He got back to Gary and told Gary he should wear his beekeeper's outfit and then the dentist would tell him to take off the mask and then take off the big, fake choppers.
Gary said he ran into the orthodontist at a Christmas party and a few days later he brought it up to his wife when she went in with the kids for an appointment. He wasn't sure if that was insulting or not that he told her that her husband could benefit from braces.
Howard read through some more mail and one guy said Gary should go for it and have them put on. Gary said that he knows of someone who had to have a tooth removed to make room for the teeth to move. He was saying that he's looking to get rid of that overbite he has so his lip isn't hanging over the way it does. Howard said Beth heard about this and she thought that he'd be licking them all the time because that's what people who have braces do. Gary said that he's already licking them so that's nothing new.
Howard said that Gary's upper lip gets caught on the fake teeth he has and that's why he has to lick so much. He knows this from observing Gary for so many years. Gary talked about the helmet he had on the channel 9 show so many years ago. It was a whole head device that sprayed down his teeth with water. He said that was very humiliating and there were many other humiliating things that happened to him over there.
Howard read an email about Eric the Midget's ''girlfriend'' Kendra and how she doesn't even have Eric as her number 1 friend on her Myspace page. Eric is at number 13 on there. Howard read through some other e-mail about his Letterman appearance and how it looked like he wiped his hand on the couch. Howard said that he thought that he should have pulled out his anti-bacterial gel to wash his hands down after shaking Dave's hand during that interview. He thought that would have been funny.
Howard read an e-mail about his weight. Someone wrote in and told him he's too thin and he should gain about 20 pounds. He likes being thin though and he'd like to keep it that way. He told all of the women out there to do the same.
Howard played another clip where Chuck was talking about his latest sexual conquest. He said he was talking to some guys and heard a woman laughing behind them. He turned and talked to her and ended up checking out her tits. He said that he asked her to go outside with him at one point to make sure she looked okay. She came walking out with her computer but she had a nice little body on her. He invited her up to his room and she agreed to come with him. Chuck said that the ''Okay it's fuck time!'' alert went off in his head.
Artie said that he has an alarm in his head that says ''Okay it's masturbation time!'' They had some fun goofing around with the stuff that Chuck was saying. Chuck went on to talk about this chick he took back to his room. He explained how they started watching TV and eventually started ''swapping spits'' and then she started riding him like Secretariat. He said that once he's done he's done. He said he kept his hard on for a long time and kept going though. He said that she was a very special one. He said he came like three times and she left him alone after that and told him it was nice.
Chuck told his co-host that he never even asked that chick what her name was. He said he never bothered. He said that she made him feel great but he never did find out her name. Robin said that she didn't believe that story at all and there's no way that you have a chick treat you like that and don't find out her name.
Howard said that he doesn't recognize Johnny's son and didn't know that was him. He didn't remember seeing him when he came in the studio. Howard said that he's seen a lot of people in the studio and can't remember them all.
Howard asked Eric what he wants to be called and played some of the edited clips that he played yesterday. They had him saying Eric the..., Jackass, Worthless piece of shit and others.
Howard said he has something in mind for Eric and he wanted to tell him about it. Gary said they weren't ready to talk about it yet. Artie asked if they were going to smother him in his sleep or something. Eric was going off on Artie calling him names and getting into his Italian heritage.
Howard kept asking Eric what he wanted to be called and kept playing the edited clips and was almost ready to settle on ''Eric the asshole.'' He had him saying Eric the...
Howard said he thought this Kendra thing was odd and thinks that there must be something going on with her. Robin asked him if he talked to his girlfriend yesterday. Eric said she was worn out from working and didn't have time to talk to him. Artie figured she was worn out from fucking other guys. Eric said they texted and emailed a couple of times.
Artie told Eric that he's a gay wad for texting her. Howard asked him one more time what he wanted to be called and played another clip where they had him saying ''Eric the piece of shit.'' Eric told Howard that's not really him, someone must have edited clips together. Howard played even more of those clips and almost settled on ''Eric the Retard.''
Artie asked Eric why he was so boring today. Eric didn't know why that was. Howard told Eric that he's going to make one of Eric's dreams come true this week. He said it's not the one where Fred is going to jerk him off. He said he thinks that it's something that Eric would really enjoy. Fred went into his Eric impression and goofed on him a little bit.
Eric told Howard that Kendra doesn't want anything to do with the show and she's not going to call in because of that. Gary told Eric to dare him to get her on the show. Eric said that she's not looking for that. Gary insisted that he dare him to get her on the show. Eric said that he didn't want to do that but he thinks that she's not looking for publicity on the show. Howard dared Gary to do it instead. Gary said he plans to have her on by Thursday.
Howard asked Eric what he's going to do if she does do the show by then. Eric said that she won't do it. He knows that she'll give them a ''no'' answer. Eric doesn't think that they'll even be able to contact her. Eric said that Kendra had met someone off of SFN to promote her site. She met this guy, he defended her and he introduced her to Johnny Fratto who introduced her to him. That's how he met her.
Howard said that every hot chick doesn't want to come on his show to promote. He ended up asking Eric one more time what he wants to be called. He played another of those clips but Eric said that he talked over it and said ''actor.''
Howard asked Eric what he's going to do if Kendra does call into the show. Eric said he knows she won't so he doesn't have to answer. He said it won't come to that. He's not going to ban her from doing the show but he doesn't think that she'll be on.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he loves Eric's new nickname of Eric the Sack of Shit. Eric told him he was Jeff the Trailer Park Trash and told him to shut the fuck up. Another caller asked what the deal is with torturing this guy. He said he finds the bit funny but it seems like some kind of torture. Howard said that Eric's whole life is this show so he has some fun with him. He said that excluding him from the show would be mean. Eric does take time off from the show once in a while.
Howard took a call from ''Kendra'' which was actually Richard doing his female impression. She said that she would never do the show to promote her web site (and threw out a phony web site name over and over again). Eric told Richard he was an asshole.
Howard asked Eric what Kendra calls him. He said that she calls him sweetheart or sweetie. He asked him what else she calls him and played more of those clips. He told Eric that he is working on something special for him and he thinks that he's going to love it. He let Eric go a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that he was asked by his hair stylist if the Giants were going to get into the Super Bowl if they win this weekend. He said he had no idea. He said that he figured that they had played enough and won that the should be in. Then he read in the paper that they will get in if they win this weekend.
Artie said that the game is on Sunday and they're going to be playing in some very cold conditions. He's thinking about going out to Green Bay to see the game. Howard thinks that's nuts because it's so cold out there. Artie said that it would be a great experience to see a historic game like that but he knows he could just hang out at home and watch it on TV. He said that he'd be rooting for the Giants too so he could get his ass kicked out there.
Artie said that he could scalp some tickets if he really wants to go out there. They have off on Monday for Martin Luther King Day so that's the only reason Artie is considering going out there this weekend. He said he has a couple of other guys who might go with him.
Howard said that maybe he should hire some male hookers so he can pay them to leave. Artie said that would be kind of funny to put on an invitation ''...9 o'clock or until I get bored with you.'' He said that Howard has had parties before where he says that the party is over at 1am and at 1 in the morning, that was it, the bouncers kicked everyone out of there.
Robin said that she's had some parties where she has to get people out of there at the time she says she wants them out. She's not putting people up the whole night. Howard said that he invited some people over to have dinner with him after Letterman last week. Ralph ended up staying at the restaurant until midnight. He just won't go home. Ralph said he was having fun hanging out with Bruce Willis.
Howard said that he gets tired and has to leave at some point. Ralph said he gets tired around midnight so that's why he stayed so late. Artie asked Howard if he was always like this or if he changed as he got older. Howard said he's always been like that.
Howard said that he's having this house built and talked to Beth about having people over. He said he just wants them to stay for a short time and then leave. He said that Artie was the best when he came out because he did his own thing and left them alone. He said that he slept for most of the day and then showed up for dinner so he didn't spent too much time with him.
Artie said that he and Ralph were hanging out at the pool and he could tell that Howard was okay with that. He didn't want to be bothered having to entertain them. Ralph said that he's very low maintenance himself but Howard said that's not true. He said that he'd come downstairs and find a cigarette on the bar. Ralph said he didn't smoke in the house though.
Howard was talking about how Robin is tough to hang out with too. Ralph said that you have to entertain her. She said that's not true though. Howard said that his parents aren't easy to hang out with either because they need constant attention. He said he has to talk to them constantly because they don't know how to just chill out. Robin said she'd love to come over and just hang out at his house and read a book. Howard said that he'd love to have her over then.
Robin said that she used to talk to Howard on the phone and they were really quick conversations. She said that they'd talk business and get the call over with quickly. Artie said that he hates getting phone calls where people give you a 10 minute message and only give the pertinent information in the last 30 seconds of the message. He said he wants to strangle someone when that happens.
Artie asked Howard what it was like when he was going out and picking up chicks. Ralph said that they'd go out really early in the evening and go home really early. Howard said he used to call Ralph and tell him he wanted to go out to dinner early and then to a club. Ralph would tell him that the clubs don't start jumping until like 1 in the morning. Howard said that they'd go out to dinner at 6, go to a club at 8 and he'd pick a woman from whatever selection he had.
The guys talked about how Howard and Ralph would go out to these clubs and once Howard left, Ralph would be asked to either leave or move his table. Howard said that he rarely talked to people in the club and he'd just get phone numbers so he could talk to them out of that environment.
Gary came in and said that Scott is upset because he thinks that Jason set it up. The two of them made up over vacation and agreed to get along on the show. Then Shuli went to Jason and asked if he could call her mother. Then DePace heard about it and now all bets are off. DePace came in and said that Jason never apologized to him, he went to Doug Goodstein and tried to broker some kind of deal. He said that he's not the bad guy in this whole thing, Jason is.
Jason came in and said he didn't go to Scott because Scott won't talk to him. He said he called Doug and he knows that Scott really hates him. He asked him to keep Scott away from him and he'd stay away from Scott. He said that Doug told him that he'd talk to Scott about this and they'd work things out. Scott said that's not what Doug has been telling him.
Jason said that they were going back and forth in the halls and just nodding at each other. Then Scott heard about the tape and got all pissed off again. Howard said the funny thing is that Doug is playing both sides of this whole thing.
Doug came in and said that he did tell Scott that he's buying into Jason pushing his buttons too much and he's taking it too far. Jason said that he did apologize to Scott for calling his kids mongoloids because he was in the heat of the moment at the time he did that. Jason said that Scott took every bad picture of him that he could find and put them into a Christmas card and gave it to him.
Jason told Scott that he's a grown man that's obsessed with hating him and he should just grow up. He said he makes fun of his job, the way he looks and other stuff and he's just attacking him for no reason. Scott and Jason went back and forth arguing about this stuff for a few minutes and Howard let them do it without interrupting.
Jason said that Will told him that Scott was furious with the audio clip of his mother. Will came in and said that's not what he said, he just said that Scott wanted to respond to the tape.
Howard took some phone calls and some guys were siding with Jason and some were siding with Scott. One guy thought that it wasn't fair of Jason's mother to get a say in all of this when Scott's mother didn't. Artie said that Jason's mom is a huge fan of the show and she's a very nice person, she was just responding to a question.
Lisa said that Jared from Tim Sabean's office was offered an apology from JD but the two of them still aren't getting along. Howard said he heard from JD that he's done with that whole thing and he just wants to move on with his life and not have that guy bothering him. Fred said he heard that Jared really liked JD and he was trying to help him out and hook him up with some chicks.
JD came in and said that he's found Jared to be very arrogant and he got tired of that and decided not to talk to him anymore. Howard said he's not sure how he'd get through the day without talking to JD. He also said he wonders what Jared's mother thinks of all of this. He said that in a sarcastic tone.
JD said that he's jealous of Jared's good looks and asked ''who isn't?'' Howard told JD to go back to his booth and get to work. JD let out a laugh as he was leaving. Howard said he loves everyone there when Lisa asked him about that.
Lisa said they have a story about George Takei coming up on Howard 100 News as well. Howard let her go after that.
The caller said he wanted to know what Ralph's thoughts were on that show. Howard found that surprising. The caller also said that he wanted to come in and eat a Pez out of Sal's pouch as a goof. Howard thought the guy might be gay but the guy said he's not.
Howard said that they were in their meeting recently and found out that they have a Simpsons xBox to give away. They asked Richard if he'd be willing to take Sal's balls in his mouth for the xBox. Richard said he would so they may have to let him do it. He said that some of their top rated shows on Howard TV are the ones where those guys do that gay shit.
Howard said that Sal said that he'd do it too. Richard said that the xBox is a limited edition and he'd really like to have it. Sal came in and said that he never said he'd do this. He said he doesn't want an xBox. He said he's not going to share shit with Richard either.
Sal said that it's like he never said anything and they just ignore him when he says that he never agreed to this stuff. Howard asked Richard when he wants to do this whole thing. He said that they've got this fan who is going to donate the xBox so he's thinking that he'd have to have it in house before he goes through with it.
Sal still didn't know what he was going to get out of all of this. The guys started throwing in money and it got up to about $600 but that wasn't enough for him. Sal asked if he could have some sponsor money but Gary reminded him that they can't do that anymore.
Howard wanted to do this whole thing next week but Richard wants the xBox there before he'll do it. Sal asked for a full $1000 instead of the 600 bucks. The guys agreed to do that for him and sent the two of them on their way. Howard asked the two of them what their best call was that they've done lately. Sal and Richard told them about one of the calls they made to a public access TV show. Howard played the call a short time later. Sal and Richard jerked around the host and his guests for a few minutes in those prank calls.
Howard played some clips of Benjy and Richard asking these girls at the AVN awards some questions as if they were from some deaf channel. Richard was doing his deaf guy impression and mumbling through some questions that the girls didn't understand. They tried to figure out what he was saying but had a hard time figuring it out.
Howard said that Robin is like a rape victim who has to go and tell the news department everything that she's going to be out doing with Jim. Robin said that Steve Langford was asking her a bunch of questions about that and she doesn't know what to tell him. She's not sure what's going to come out about her visit to Boston.
Howard said that this dating is getting serious according to something Jim Florentine said. Robin said that it's no more serious now than it had been. Howard asked her about her dating Mr. X and if that was serious. Robin said she's not sure what he means by all of this. Robin said that she was really serious with Mr. X, she and Jim are still getting to know each other. She said that she likes him a lot but she's not saying that she's in love with him.
Howard asked if Jim has ever said he loves her. Robin laughed and said no. Howard asked her if she was shocked when she saw his big balls. She claimed that she hasn't seen anything. Howard asked Robin if she ever thinks about how guys can walk around with big balls like that. She said she knows nothing about his balls but she does wonder about how guys do that sometimes.
Howard asked Robin about going up to Boston and if her nephew approved of Jim. She said that they did get along very well. Fred was doing his impression of Jim and goofing around with Robin a little bit. Mariann from Brooklyn said that this is very serious from what she can tell. She said that she wouldn't be traveling around like this if she wasn't in love with him. She asked Robin if she's in love with him and Robin paused for a second and didn't say a thing. She told Mariann that they should have lunch together. Mariann let out a scream so Howard had to hang up on her because of that voice of hers.
Fred made a joke about Jim's balls smelling like coffee but Howard didn't get the reference. Artie knew that he was talking about Robin's coffee enemas. That led to the guys talking to Robin about the coffee enemas and what kind of coffee she uses. She said it's some kind of organic coffee.
Howard said that he's supposed to go out to dinner with Robin and Jim soon and he'll get to see this love in person. He talked about the enema thing a little more and had Fred playing some clips of Sal singing about her coffee enemas.
Howard wondered if anyone else had seen Jim and Robin out as a couple other than him. Gary said they all saw them out at the DogCatemy awards. Robin said that sometimes she sees an interracial couple out on the street and she wonders if they look that odd together.
The guys put up a picture of Jim and Robin together on the monitor in the studio and Artie claimed to have never seen Jim in a sport jacket before. He wondered where his Black Sabbath t-shirt was.
Robin talked about Jim and her nephew meeting and how odd that couple was. She said that her nephew is a rocket scientist and Jim makes Meet the Creeps videos.
Artie talked about some of the stuff that Richard knew about the girls that they were meeting at the AVN awards. He said that Richard knows the resume's of a lot of the girls out there. Richard said that they fucked with Dave Navarro out there at the show and had him moving all over the place. Howard played that clip where Benjy and Richard were asking him to move into a certain position. They jerked him around for a few seconds but Dave got annoyed and eventually walked away. Richard said the visual on that is the best.
Howard saw some other clips that he had to play. He said that he had a clip of Artie toasting Bob Levy at his engagement party. He also had some clips of a midget who was at Bob's party. He played some of those clips of Wee Matt who sounded kind of like Steve-O. He was laughing and telling stories. Richard asked him to ride on his back but the guy laughed and said it was all good.
Gary said that he had this guy in the car with him because Jeff Beacher sent him over to pick him up. Artie said that they put these guys in Oompa Loompa outfits and has the midgets performing at parties and stuff. That's what Dan the Song Parody Man is helping out with out there. Artie said that Dan is doing really well out there doing this stuff too.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he zoned out on the Terminator show. He said that he'd give it a D- grade. He said he just didn't get it. Howard said he must be wrong but he liked it. Howard said the kid does seem like a bit of a pussy for someone who is supposed to lead the fight against the robots.
A woman called in and said that the best part of the History of Howard Stern was that there was no Ralph. Ralph said that part 2 is going to be very Ralph heavy.
Ralph said that he thinks that he has the Green Bay tickets and he wants Artie to get the field tickets so they can go down on the field when the Giants win.
Howard played a new voice mail clip from Richard's dad where he talks about how they're getting a new Taco Tico out there way. He also wished Howard a Happy Birthday in the clip. Howard said he wishes that his father would give him little updates like that when he calls. He said that the guy seems like a really nice guy.
Howard played a clip of Artie toasting Rev. Bob Levy at his engagement party out in Vegas. Artie was actually roasting Bob and goofing on him the whole time. He was making fun of the size of the ring and telling Bob's fiancé to get the hell out now, before Bob ruins her. Artie said that this girl is very cute and nice. He said that it deflated her when he told her that her ring looked like Beth's ring had taken a shit.
Richard told Howard about some of the stuff he was doing to Joey Buttafuoco out there at the AVN awards. They had Benjy pretending to get ready to puke on him. Richard kept sticking the microphone in his face and goofing on him. Howard played the audio of that where Joey gets all pissed off at him for sticking the microphone in his face too close.
Joey saw Benjy looking at him like he was about to puke and wondered if the two of them were drunk or something. Joey got pissed that Richard was trying to touch his penis and he got all pissed about that too. Joey told Benjy that if he picked on him, he'd drop him. Benjy said he thought he was for real about that too. Howard said that all of this will be on Howard TV.
Howard said that Richard and Benjy interviewed John Wayne Bobbit but didn't really ask him that many questions. Richard said that he kept saying ''uh, um, uh'' a lot so they picked up on that and kept doing it right back at him. They had him doing even more ''Ums'' by asking questions that didn't make any sense to him. Then they thanked him over and over again as he was walking away.
Artie said he thought that they had tested Bobbit and found that he was almost retarded. Richard said he kind of felt bad for the guy. He had his cock cut off and there they were goofing on the guy.
Howard had another clip where Richard and Benjy were talking to Lexington Steel about fucking Scott in the ass. He once said that he would never have done that even though they wanted him to be the one to fuck Scott up the ass. Howard said that would have been the greatest pay-per-view event ever if they had been able to make that happen. They were just using Lexington Steel as an example of the kind of porn guy that would do Scott. They wanted a guy with a huge cock to do it and that was the guy whose name came up. Artie said he remembers laughing his ass off that day, even after the show had ended. He said that he and Stuttering john shared a cab for about 15 minutes that day and didn't speak a word, they just laughed about it the whole time.
Howard played the clip of Richard and Benjy asking Lexington Steel about the Scott thing. Lexington said he would have never done that at all. He doesn't do gay stuff like that for anyone, even Howard's show. Richard and Benjy kept asking Lexington over and over again how much money it would take to get him to do the gay thing with him. They wouldn't take no for an answer so he kept telling them that he had no interest in doing anything like that with any guy. They were making up all kinds of strange situations for him to be in with Scott so he just kept telling them he wouldn't do that.
Gary said that Scott was really angry over this. Scott came in and said he's been on this show for 22 years and this is really aggravating. He said that he works with a bunch of fucking assholes. Artie said he has to agree with him on this. He said that it's wrong for him to be excluded on this. Howard said that even Steve the Intern got a Nano. Artie laughed when he heard that. Scott said that it's not even the physical thing that he's upset about.
Tim came in and said he bought a bunch of Nanos and he wanted to give them out to people. He said that Scott wasn't there that day and he missed out. He said he just wasn't there that day.
Gary said that was a little bit wrong because his had his name taped on the back of it. Scott wondered what the hell that means because it's not about the actual item, it's the fact that he forgot about him and he's been there for 22 years. Howard said that it's Scott's black cloud again. Tim said that he just forgot about Scott.
Howard said that there had to be a list of people if they had Gary's name on it. Scott said that it had to be when they were on vacation and he wasn't there. Scott said that if he wanted to have one, he wouldn't have forgotten about him for 3 weeks. Tim said that his day doesn't revolve around him and he doesn't think about him all day long.
Howard said that Gary wasn't there that day either and he still got his Nano. Tim apologized for that but it wasn't good enough for Scott. He said that Tim was doing something for everyone giving out those Nanos and he just forgot about him. Tim said that he will never forget about him again and he will take care of him.
Howard said that Doug Goodstein got a Nano and he doesn't even work for SIRIUS. Gary told Howard that Scott is a little miffed with him too. He said that Scott didn't get a gift from him but he heard that he may have sent something to Wood Yi and he got upset about that. Howard said that he's a personal friend of his and he sent him a little something.
Sal came in and told Howard how Scott found out about the Nano thing and how he went off on Tim when he found out. He went off on Tim saying that he was a cocksucker. Howard said he got a Nano from Tim but he didn't know that he bought it himself. He thought it was something that the company bought so he could hear the History of Howard Stern.
Scott said he didn't know that they were personal gifts from Tim either so he apologized to Tim for that. He said that if he didn't want to get him anything personally, that was fine with him. Robin and Artie didn't get one either so they wondered what was going on there. Tim said he has something very special for those two.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man and let him say a few words before telling him to speak up. He had him yelling again within a few seconds. Then he hung up on him in the middle of his call.
Howard played another clip of Richard interviewing a guy and his step-daughter who he got into the porn business. Richard asked her all kinds of personal questions about their creepy relationship and found out that he waxes his daughter, Summer Verona. Howard said that he wants them in there doing that in the studio. He said that's some wild stuff right there.
Artie said they saw that guy Max Hardcore out there and he was jumping up and down high fiving himself the whole day. Howard saw that Richard had interviewed a bunch of Twinks out there. Richard said that it was an okay interview so Howard checked it out. Richard was asking them questions about getting cum in their eyes and things like that. Howard didn't know that it burns. Richard then revealed that he once shot himself in the face, right in the eye.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Benjy asked Richard to shave his balls out there. Howard sounded shocked about that. They showed some of that on the Howard TV monitor. Howard said that it was gross. Artie let out a shocked ''Oh my god!'' and told them that it was really gross. Howard asked Benjy why he couldn't shave himself. Benjy said that they were begging him to let Richard do it so he let him do it. Artie said that he can say no to them, he doesn't have to break down and agree to do it.
Doug said that the AVN special will air in March. He said they have about 30 hours of tape to go through. Doug also mentioned that Bubba's wife was looking good out there. He thinks that she got even bigger implants out there.
Artie said that he's worried about Bubba. He said he's not sure if he's going to be able to keep that schedule he has now. He said he fears for his health with the two shows going every day. He's not sure if he'll be able to work out now.
Howard said that Bubba's body is way bigger than Artie's but his face is thinner. Artie said that he's a mass and he looks like a football player or something. Howard wondered what Bubba weighs. Artie said he thinks he might be about 350 now. Howard said that Bubba might get up to 500 pounds and that would be kind of funny. Robin said that wouldn't be funny, he wouldn't be able to wipe himself again. The guys talked about Bubba for a few minutes before Howard started to wrap up to take a break. Richard told him about one more clip that he might want to hear before they wrapped up. The clip was Richard and Benjy going up on stage and talking about some Jewish stuff and boring the audience. They were also telling everyone to spay and neuter their animals and to recycle their car batteries. The host of the show told them to get off stage, they were supposed to entertain them.
Doug said that Benjy made a porn tape out there and he tried to erase some of it but they did manage to keep some. Benjy said that he was told that he was supposed to go to an orgy out there and he ended up doing some stuff to this chick there. They used their hands on one another.
Doug said he came across this segment of tape that looks like something from the Blair Witch Project where Benjy was trying to shoot this thing. Howard said that the chick was kind of hot and he had done pretty well for himself. Howard said that Benjy looked like a stud in the clip. He was telling the girl that he was going to shut the tape off but the girl wanted him to leave it on. Benjy said that she didn't know who he was or what the show he was from. He said he was really confident out there because so many chicks were ready to fuck. He said that he was really into her and she seemed to be into him.
Doug said that they walked into Benjy's room and they found KY Jelly and condoms, a dog collar and a whip in his room. He didn't remember his wallet but he remembered all of that stuff.
Ralph called in and wondered why Doug has to go out to those events when he could just sent a crew out there. Doug said that he worked his ass off out there. Doug said that the got Valentina Vaughn to host the special and they'll have her in a bathtub by the end of it. Howard had to wrap up and go to break after that.
Artie said that there's nothing better than killing in front of a chick. He said there's nothing worse than bombing in front of them. Howard said that people can forget that he has a special ability and he needs to remind people once in a while that he is talented. That's what the Letterman thing did for Beth. He said she thought she was with Jesus after that. He said he might have to go on once a month to remind her more often.
Howard said that David Letterman mentioned Howard 100 News during his show last night. He played that clip quickly and then moved on to talk about how the F-word slipped out during a Good Morning America segment. He said that they could have a seven second delay, just like he had on radio, but he knows that they'll go by without being fined.
Howard played the clip of Diane Keaton letting the F-word slip while she was talking about how she didn't need to work on her ''fucking personality.'' Howard said he's not upset about the word, he's just wondering where the FCC is in this case. They would have been all over his ass if he had done that on terrestrial radio. He doesn't understand this, it's just bullshit.
Howard said that now Regis is upset with Kelly about having dinner with him. Howard said that he had asked Kelly not to talk about it in public but then he went on Letterman and let it slip. He played a clip of Regis talking to Kelly about this story on their show this morning. Regis sounded upset that he had to find out about it on Letterman and not from Kelly.
Kelly was telling Regis about the dinner she had out at Howard's house in the Hamptons and how simple it was. She said that they just had a nice dinner and talked about architecture and things while the girls were talking about fashion. There were no strippers there. Kelly said it was great fun. Regis said he thinks that she should talk about it on their show. Kelly said that they were on vacation and she didn't remember to bring it up.
Regis said that he heard Howard saying that Kelly was hot during the Letterman thing and he wondered if Kelly caught him staring at her at all. She didn't catch him doing that at all.
Howard said that Kelly Ripa really does have a hot face. He said that her face, aside from Beth's, you just can't take your eyes off her face. He said that it's so perfect that he couldn't take her eyes off of her. He said that she's fuckin' hot!
Howard said that he and Beth saw Kelly and her husband Mark coming in and she was wearing a cocktail dress and Even Beth thought that she looked hot. Beth had run off to get changed real quick once she saw the dress. She wasn't dressed up before they saw her coming in. Beth changed so Kelly wouldn't feel too weird being all dressed up.
Artie said he was walking down the street in the city one day and saw Kelly out there walking with her kids. He said that she's actually stunning to look at. He recognized her right away and everything looked amazing. He actually followed her into Central Park because she looked so good. He said that she's got an angelic look to her and not many people have that.
Howard said that he fantasized that Mark had to leave the party that night because their kids got sick and he got the two girls all to himself. He came up with some other fantasies about how he could get her somehow. He came up with a plan to get him deported from the country somehow.
Artie talked about this movie ''Superbad'' that he just saw recently and told Howard about a scene where one guy gets an offer to get a massage on his back from a chick. The guy tells her that the thing is that his back is on his cock. He thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said that he and Kelly stay in touch and still talk once in a while. Artie asked if he ever brought up Kathie Lee Gifford. Howard said he didn't get into that with her. He said that he just wanted to look at Kelly, that's why he had her over. He said he liked her husband Mark and they had a good time just sitting around and talking. Howard said the guy is kind of short so they just sat on the couch to talk.
Artie said that her husband came up to him and told him that he was a fan of the show one day when he was out playing softball. He said that guy is no fag either. He's a man. Howard said that he really is. Benjy said that Kelly sounds like she really likes Howard and wondered if Howard thinks he could get her. Howard said he probably could. JD said that she had the look of love on her face when she was talking about him. Howard said that Kelly is really just super hot.
Howard said that Beth keeps in touch with Kelly so that's really how he stays in touch with her. Fred was doing an impression of Benjy asking Howard some dopey questions about Kelly. He did that for a few minutes while Howard was talking about his plans to get rid of Mark.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down the list of subjects that they'd be covering today. Scott DePace and Jason's fight, Scott the Engineer getting screwed out of a Nano, Robin and Jim's relationship, Artie as Howard's houseguest, and many other things will be covered today.
Artie talked about his stay at Howard's house out in the Hamptons and how crazy that was. Howard had Jon run down the rest of the stuff he was going to be covering today and Howard said that it sounded like a great show today. The guys were trying to get Robin to talk about her relationship with Jim but she didn't want to get into that again. Howard let Jon go and had Fred start off Robin's news with one of her theme songs.
Robin got into her news and read a story about an Australian man who stuck his arm out his car to wave at some women and his arm ended up getting cut off when it was hit by a passing car. Robin also read a story about a filmmaker who was trying to make a mock hanging but ended up turning the scene into a real hanging. Things didn't go very well and the guy ended up getting hanged, but not killed.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him how great Howard TV has been lately. He also said that he had a question for anyone on the show. He asked who would win a fight between JD and John the Stutterer. The guys all think that John would win that because of that anger he has. He has that ''Stutterer Anger'' according to Artie. The caller asked about a couple of other people but he didn't get their names right so Howard hung up on him saying he didn't care.
Robin read a news story about a couple of twins who married each other not knowing that they were separated at birth and sent off to adoptive families.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks that Sal is going to get a hard on when he sticks his balls in Richard's mouth with the Simpsons xBox thing. Howard said that he probably will do that and he'll end up cumming on Richard's face. They goofed on the guys about all of this gay stuff they've been doing lately.
Robin read some more about the twins who married each other. Howard took another call from a guy who told him that was some score getting Kelly Ripa as one of those emotional friends. Robin read a story about Wesley Snips and how he didn't pay taxes on the millions he earned in his good years. Now he's in trouble over that. Howard said it's insanity not to just pay your taxes and get it over with.
Robin read a story about a new public toilet in the city that cleans itself. Howard said that it has to be the Japanese who came up with that. He said they're obsessed with that kind of stuff.
Howard took a call from a woman who told him how great h is Letterman appearance was. He thought that was very nice of her to do that. Robin got back to her news and read through a couple more quick stories before Howard had to take another break.
After the break we heard a song parody about Artie and then a Dateline: Predator parody with Mike Walker clips thrown into it. Howard came back and said he thought that the Dateline: Predator show wasn't on anymore. Robin said there was just one on a few weeks ago. JD came in and said that there was a new one just a couple of weeks ago and there was a guy who showed up and had a hard time getting out of his car because he had to use a cane.
A caller told Howard that Bubba's show on testicle (terrestrial) radio is horrible. Artie told him not to say that. The guy said that he likes Bubba on satellite and it's really hard to hear him back on that awful radio. Howard and Artie said that they could never go back to regular radio. Howard said it would be very hard to go back to something like that. He said Bubba has to do that for money reasons. He's pretty sure that he'd rather be doing just the satellite show but they can't pay him enough.
The caller asked Robin if she's going to do a Playboy shoot. Robin said that she probably would do it for a million bucks and she's sticking with that but Playboy hasn't come forward and offered that to her.
Robin got back into her news and read a story about how there are still porn stars out there not using condoms even though there was an agreement for everyone to use them. These days there aren't many seen.
Robin read a story about a UFO that was spotted down in Texas. She said that there are a couple of dozen people who have seen this thing flying around and being chased by some fighter jets. Howard said that the description, a strange metallic object, sounds like it could be Bubba in his suit from the AVN awards.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks about this HD-DVD and Blu-Ray DVDs. Howard said that he has noticed that there is too much details in Smallville when he's watching the HDTV. He said that the girl who plays Chloe on that show has a few zits that he sees.
Howard said he doesn't know that much about the HD discs. Robin said that she doesn't get why there's such a big deal being made out of it because it's not that much different in HD or not. Artie said that the next thing you know you'll have the actors coming to your house to act out the movie in front of you to make it even more realistic.
Robin read some news about Britney Spears not showing up for court yesterday because she was surrounded by paparazzi. Howard said that she's actually dating a paparazzi guy now and he's pissed at the other paparazzi who are surrounding her. He thought that was kind of funny. They spent a short time on that story and played some audio of Britney trying to get into court but the Paparazzi were keeping her from getting around them.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama calling a truce. They spent some time on that subject and on American Idol which is starting up again tonight. Robin had Howard play some clips of Ryan Seacrest talking about how great this season was going to be. Fred threw in a clip of Gary saying ''yeah, why don't you go take another hair brush in your ass!'' after Howard played the Ryan Seacrest clip. They had some clips of Paula Abdul talking about some of the people who auditioned for the show. Howard said he thinks that he could pass an audition if he picked the right song.
Robin had Howard playing some clips of the rejects from American Idol which had Howard and Artie laughing a little bit. She had a clip of her freaking out on Simon and telling them that she's going to go out and do some ''actressing'' and prove that she can prevail.
Robin wrapped up her news a short time later and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Gary said that the hard feelings going around have been there for a long time now. Gary said that it reminds him of the old days when people would fight on the air. He said that Jason and Scott DePace really don't like each other. Jon thinks that Jason wants to mend that but Scott wants nothing to do with that.
Jon asked Jason if he was surprised to hear his mother saying what she did. Jason didn't think that she was going to talk about that stuff, he knew that Shuli was talking to her but didn't even think about that part. Gary said that she was right saying that Scott doesn't have to say things about her son the way he does. Scott came in and said that he's fed up with this whole thing and really doesn't care about Jason's mother.
Gary asked Scott why he can't just put this to rest. Scott said that Jason said some things that pissed him off. He can't even start to get over it without a sincere apology. He said that what he's done wrong is call him fat and bald among other things. He thinks that Jason went to more personal places than he did and he doesn't need that.
Scott said that Jason doesn't need to say shit about his work and his kids. Jason said that Gary has Sal jumping all over him about his job and things like that. Gary said that's right because Sal has said some stuff on the air about him that really hurt him but he talks to him about it.
Jason said that he tried to smooth things over between them. He said that he bought Scott a gift one year and tried to make up with him but Scott just brushes that off like it was nothing. Gary asked if both of them are wrong. Scott said that he thinks it's all stuff that Jason has been steaming over for years. He said it's politics and other bullshit like that. Jason said that Scott has complained about him bad mouthing him on the air because he's afraid that other shows are going to hear that and think he's a bad director.
Scott threatened to leave when Jason was yelling over him so they calmed him down for a minute and let Scott get in a word. Scott said that Scott is a pussy and he can't take the goofing around they do there. He said that he's got a smile on his face all the time when he's goofing on him. Scott said that this is his job and he doesn't need that. He also complained about Jason goofing on his Video Caddy product. He said that Jason ripped it apart when he came in one day and that's just not cool.
Benjy was asking Jason some questions but not letting him get an answer out. Jason said that he thinks that Scott isn't as great as Scott thinks he is. He said that he's an okay director, he guesses, he's not even sure because he's not a director. Benjy asked him if he thinks that Scott is really a bad director. Jason said he was kind of kidding but he was also kind of serious when he said that he's not a good director.
Scott was saying that Jason was turned down from being an intern over at the Daily Show where his wife works. Jason said that just shows that his wife can't pick talent because he got hired there as an intern and then as an employee.
Scott was saying that he knows that Will and Jason talk about Gary behind his back. He said that he was going to spill the beans about that. He said that Will and Jason talk about when he leaves how they have a ''Gary Free Zone'' when he leaves for the day. No one seemed to care about that though. They were goofing on him for bringing up something so lame.
The guys were trying to tell Scott that he shouldn't take this so personally, everyone there gets goofed on and they take it because that's part of the show. Scott said he got over Jason telling him he was a bad director but then he said other things that were wrong and he didn't appreciate those and got pissed.
Scott asked Gary if he dislikes anyone as much as he dislikes Jason. Gary said that he should be able to just brush it off if he doesn't like it. Scott said that he can't just brush him off saying stuff about his kids. He told the guys about the card he made with pictures of Jason after he bad mouthed his kids and how he turned out to be the bad guy again. Jason said that Scott was wrong about the order of things. He said that he didn't make fun of his kids before he came over with the card he made up about him.
Jon asked Scott if he thinks that Gary blindly defends Jason in all of this. Scott said he thinks that he has to do that because he works with him. Will said that Scott doesn't like Jason and he doesn't want to deal with him and that's his final decision.
Jason and Scott went back and forth at each other for a while before Jon took a phone call from a guy who said that Scott is acting like a high school kid with this whole fight. Jason was saying that Will lied on the air today and that pissed him off too. He said that it really pissed him off when he heard that. Will said that he wasn't right about that either. He said that he never said what Jason claimed he did about Scott.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Scott comes across as the asshole in all of this. He said that Jason seems to want to be nice but Scott just won't give up easily. He said he's like a pitbull. Jason said that Scott doesn't have to see him, they work at opposite ends of their offices there and they don't have to run across each other.
Scott said that Jason called Doug and gave him a whole sob story and wanted to stop with the fighting. He suggested that they just put it to rest but then Scott heard that clip of Jason's mother talking about him and he got pissed again. He was just upset that it was about him. Jason told Scott that if he wants to fight him, he'll fight him. Gary said he had to step in there and told Jason that he should just calm down there.
The guys talked about what a cool fight that would be. Gary asked Scott if he thinks that he could really beat Jason with one arm tied behind his back. Scott said he could. He would be willing to do that with one arm literally tied behind his back.
Jason said he'd need 6 months to prepare for that fight but Shuli said that they should do it tomorrow. Jon took another call from a guy who said he'd love to see this fight. Shuli was saying that he didn't call Jason's mother just to talk to her about this fight between her son and Scott. He said it just happened to come up during their conversation.
Tim said that you're analyzed about everything there and you try to do your best but things don't always work out that way. He said he loves that part of the show but it's tough when it's you. Gary asked Shuli if he got one. Shuli said he didn't get one.
Gary said that it was nice when he got the Nano but he thought that the company bought it for him. He didn't know it was a personal thing. He said that Scott really is their Charlie Brown though and he gets the shitty end of the stick every time. Benjy told him he really appreciated getting one from him. He said that it was odd when Tim went off on Scott the way he did because he's always so jovial around there. Tim said that he has to come out swinging when he's backed into a corner.
Jon asked Scott if he felt bad for backing Scott into that corner. Scott said he just wanted to defend himself. Tim said that he's going at 100 miles per hour all day long and he's working hard. He said he can't be thinking about everyone all of the time. He apologized to him again and said that he can't do it all. He said he's good but he's not that good.
Gary said that Scott wanted this to happen because he was talking to so many people about this thing. Gary also said that this must rank up there as one of the worst slights to Scott ever. Scott said that it ranks right up there in the top 5. He was left out of Howard's 50th birthday party and that was one of the worst slights ever. He said he was also left off the plane flight down to Bubba's wedding and he was upset about that.
Scott said that it wasn't about the Nano either, it was the thought and the fact that he was forgotten once again. Tim said that Scott was off that day and he missed out on lunch too. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
The guys asked JD if Jared could take him. JD said that he would get his ass beat if he fought him. He said he might be able to take High Pitch Mike in a fight though.
Greg Fitzsimmons called in and told the guys that he was on the phone with Tim Sabean last night until about midnight talking about his contract there. He said that the contract was a mess so they had to have him sign a new one and they had to talk about that stuff for a long time. He was also telling the guys that Artie is going to make a big announcement tomorrow on the show about a comedy show he'll be doing in the area soon. The tickets go on sale tomorrow.
Richard said that Greg is really good at hosting the AVN awards. He and Benjy saw him out there. Benjy told the guys about some of the other stuff that went on out there. Benjy told the guys about the orgy that he missed out there. He said that Nick Manning had an orgy going on there and invited everyone up to his room for that.
Gary asked Benjy if they'd go into Nick Manning's room and take off all of his clothes and just start banging chicks. He said he doesn't take all of his clothes off in front of anyone but he probably could bang some chicks if they were available to him.
Jon said that the lines that Richard draws with these things is kind of amusing. Richard said he thought that he was going to have a set of clean shaven balls in his mouth and he really doesn't want dirty balls in there.
Gary said that he can't lick a ball, he really has to take the balls in his mouth and puff up a cheek or something. They're looking for him to close his lips around his balls.
Gary brought up a song that Kid Rock sent them years ago called ''Balls In Your Mouth'' and wondered if it was ever released. The guys thought that was just something that he sent to the show many years ago, before he was even Kid Rock.
Jon asked Richard why he's going to do something like this for a Simpsons xBox. Richard said he's not even sure because he doesn't play video games that much. He said that he doesn't play xBox and he can't imagine why he's doing this. Sal said that if he won that thing, he'd only be able to think about having Richard sucking his balls every time he played.
Jon took a call from a guy who suggested that they have Richard try that Nodoro stuff on his balls to see if he can get rid of the stink. Sal said that he's had some really toxic smells come from his cock before and that's just from sleeping one night. He said that if he doesn't wash his balls for a month, they're really going to be nasty. Sal said that they're going to smell but his penis is really going to stink after a month. He said he's not getting laid these days at all so he doesn't need to use it for sex.
Sal said that Howard always looks miserable when he's out and it's like he can't smile at all when he goes out to a party or something. Gary said that Howard always tries to make other people comfortable and it's hard for him to relax. That's probably why he can't enjoy having people over.
Sal and Richard said that they have a hard time controlling themselves when they get together out at some event. Sal said that Gary is a lot of fun to hang out with too. He said he gets pretty wild when they're hanging out. Benjy said that he'd be afraid to have Sal hang out with him because he'd be afraid of him doing a stunt.
Shuli said that Sal once came over to him and grabbed his cock at a show they were at and he had to tell him that he shouldn't fuck with him because he's not Richard. Sal said he had a reason for doing that but he couldn't remember what that was.
Sal said that Artie is the guy who isn't all that much of a party guy when he's out. He said that you expect him to be the life of the party but he usually just sits down and looks at his feet and doesn't say much of anything.
The guys talked about some other guys who are fun to hang out with. They mentioned Brian Phelan as being one of those fun guys. Sal said that when Artie gets up and speaks, then he's the life of the party. Gary told a quick story about hanging out with Artie and how much fun he's had with him out at a Springsteen concert. Jon had to wrap up the show a short time later after everyone got in their plugs.
Howard started off the show talking about the band Sugar Ray and how it's a shame that they don't perform anymore. Robin said they do perform but Howard said he thought that the lead singer was the host of one of those entertainment news shows. Robin said they still go out on the weekends to perform.
Howard said that he got home yesterday and saw that he'd gotten an e-mail from David Spade. He said that Spade asked him how late he was going to be up and it was already 7pm and it was almost time for bed. He told Spade to call him then but he never heard from him so he just went to bed. Robin asked if that's all there was to the story. He gave her a hard time about that and told her that he had plenty of time to get to it and she should know that he works up to a story.
Howard said Beth told him when he got up this morning that it was reported that David Spade got a chick pregnant. He asked who it was and he found out it was Jillian Grace who was on their show and ended up as a Playmate. Howard said that kid is a direct product of their show because they got her into Playboy.
Howard said that when you're fucking a high school Playmate, where's the rubber? Artie talked about how they saw a picture of Spade with Jillian Grace a few months ago and they figured they were just seeing things. Now they know that it must have been her.
Howard said that the kookiest letter they'd ever gotten was the one from Jillian's mom telling them that her daughter wanted to be in Playboy and she was hoping to bring her in. Howard said they told her that she was going to be at the Playboy mansion banging Pauly Shore and they were right about that. Artie said that everything that they've predicted has been coming true.
Gary came in and told Howard that Jillian's mom had sent that letter right after Jillian got out of school. They talked about how crazy all of this is. Howard said that the last they heard was that Jillian was a personal trainer out in St. Louis, and she wanted to train Artie.
Howard figured that Spade didn't wear a rubber but he doesn't know that for sure. He said he guesses that the condom could have broken. He said that Spade has released a press release about this and he's saying that he will take care of the kid if it's his. He said that he'd like to have them on the show and take the paternity test there.
Artie said that Jillian owes them some sort of scoop. Gary said that he was going to try and get her on the phone. Howard wondered how much money she's going to be looking for in child support. They figured that it could be something like $25,000 a month since Spade makes decent money. Artie said that he's probably making good money on that sitcom he's working on and that kind of money might cost him 8 episodes worth of salary. He figures that Spade is worth between 8 and 10 million bucks. He's had some good movie takes and a lot of ads and stuff.
Artie said that it's great to know how to do stand-up and he can do all kinds of gigs and put all of that money away. Howard said they have some pictures of Jillian on his web site today. He said he has to check those out.
Howard said that Spade's penis is like the arm on a slot machine and Jillian just hit the jackpot. The guys all checked out the pictures of Jillian and talked about how hot she is. Artie said that this makes him mad that Spade was getting her. The baby part doesn't make him mad though.
Howard said that Spade is going to be tied to her forever now. Artie said that Spade apparently wanted to settle down with a girl and he was trying to find that one. Howard and Robin asked him if he was serious about that. They talked about some of the other women that he was dating and they're pretty sure he didn't want to knock up a 22 year old. Howard said that he didn't want to be a dad and he's pretty sure he just wanted to bang her for a couple of weeks and then move on.
Howard talked to Robin about the kind of money that Spade might have to give up and what he's going to have to go through in court. Howard said he guesses that Spade was going to come clean with him last night but he never got to talk to him. Artie said that he's gotten calls like that before where he asks them to take it easy on him when he's going to be in the news.
Howard said that they're basically responsible for the hook up between those two. He said that he knew that she'd run across Jillian eventually. He said that Jillian is only 22 years old and she only went to high school. He wondered if Spade is going to be involved in raising the kid. He wondered if the kid is going to end up showing up at his door one day asking him where he was.
Howard said that Spade has father issues himself so he may be guilted into doing something with this kid. The guys talked about how James Caan banged a bunch of Playmates and never got any of them pregnant.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Spade won't have to pay a lot of money. He said that it all depends on the state he's being sued in. Howard said he thinks that Jillian should take the high road and not ask him for a dime. He said that she should prove that she wants the baby by doing that. Fred threw in the Gilbert Gottfried laughing clips during that discussion. Howard said it's really not funny and he doesn't mean to laugh. He said that Spade was about to land Jennifer Aniston and then this comes out.
Howard said that Jillian should consider herself lucky that it was Spade and not Pauly Shore. He said that Spade has a lot of money. Artie said that Pauly has a lot of money too. He runs his mother's old comedy club now and he's probably doing very well with that.
Artie said that he wanted to bang this chick himself. Robin said that she's almost like their daughter because she's so young. She also said that they should follow her around through this whole pregnancy and have her doing all of the big tests and stuff on the show.
Howard said that Spade is going to have to move this chick out to California. He's got a big house out there according to Artie. Howard said Spade is going to have to do something because of the father issues. He's going to have to buy a summer home in St. Louis or something.
Gary said that he could try to wake up Jillian's mom. Howard told him to go for it. Artie talked about how great Jillian's tits were, they were perfect. He said that the Howard TV guys should rerun that show where she showed them in the studio for the first time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he feels bad for Spade. Robin said she feels bad for Jillian because she has to bring this kid into this world alone. Howard said that he feels bad for Spade. He said that if he could figure out a way to get pregnant by Spade, he'd do that too.
Gary tried calling Jillian's mom but her number may have changed. He said he did have Jillian's number and left her a message. Howard said that Jillian should have gotten an abortion. He said Spade should have promised her like 50 roller coaster rides if she had gotten one.
The guys talked about how Jillian could go back to her old boyfriend if she gets some decent money from Spade. They said she could get him back and he could stop working. They could get their own gas station out in St. Louis or something and just hang out together all the time.
Howard said that Jillian may end up living out in Malibu or something. Spade may have to give up the house he just bought for her.
Gary wondered how the child support thing works and how she's going to justify what kind of money she's going to need from Spade. Howard said that Spade will have to come through for this kid and support it very well so he doesn't catch shit over it. Robin said he's going to want to pay big so he can be the Dad of the year. Artie said he was going to text Spade and tell him to call in because it's going to be better for him. The guys all laughed when they heard that.
Artie talked about seeing Jillian at a comedy show back when she was first getting into Playboy and how she was still with her old boyfriend. Howard said they should play the tape where they were predicting her future because so much of it has come true so far. Howard said he doesn't think that this is was a one night thing either because there were pictures of her walking around with Spade.
Howard said he loves the service himself and he has about 10 different channels that he changes between when he has parties and stuff.
Gary said that Spade was supposed to call in next week but now he's not sure if that's going to happen. Howard said he really should call in and just get it all out of the way.
Will came in and showed Howard a picture of Jillian. She has a tattoo on her breast now and the guys weren't too thrilled with that. Howard said that she's still hot though. Artie also said that Jillian is one of those Mid-west, milk fed chicks who could end up putting on a few pounds. Howard said that it's too bad he's not the father of that baby. The guys talked about how hot she is and how she'll probably end up getting a dollar sign tattooed on her after this whole Spade thing goes down. Howard suggested that Jillian name her kid ''Jack Pot.''
The caller asked if Mel Brooks is going to be coming in anytime soon. Howard said that he's been sick and he's not sure if the guy went back out to California or not.
Howard said he got a note from the guys over at Letterman telling him how great he was on the show last week. He said it was a really nice note that Rob Burnett took time to write to him. He said it was really nice that he was saying that the interview was the way things should be done.
Howard said he doesn't keep many e-mails but he did keep the one where Jackie said he was quitting. He said that took a lot of pressure off of him.
Artie said he got the call to do Conan's show but he's not sure if he wants to cross the picket line. Howard told him he should talk to his people about that. He said that he wouldn't do it himself. He said that he may not want to cross that line. Bill Maher was on Leno last night and he should know better than that. The guys talked about how strange that was. Artie said that he's heard Maher doing some anti-union material before so that might be why he did the show.
The caller on the line asked Artie where he was with his snacks for the day but Howard talked right over him and told Artie that Conan's past few guests have been news anchors. It has to be tough for those guys to do those shows like that.
Howard said he wants to know who is scabbing for Leno right now and writing those monologues for his show. He said he doesn't think that Jay could handle that all himself and someone should look into that. Artie said he was listening to the news this morning and they play jokes from Leno and Letterman and he heard a really funny joke on Leno. He said it was one of the funniest things he'd ever heard on his show.
Howard said that the two of them are really losing it. He said that they're both babies at times. DePace was threatening to leave the show because he wasn't getting in what he wanted to say. Jason and Scott were calling each other names and explaining why they were so against each other.
Howard played another clip where Jason was talking about the Christmas card he made of him with all of the fat pictures of him. Scott complained about the things he says about him and why that upsets him. Howard said that they should get married based on the way they argue.
Artie said that the fighting does sound immature. Howard said that Scott was taking the goofing on his Video Caddy thing way too seriously. He said that Jason was goofing on it just as much as anyone else was but Scott was taking it all out on Jason. Artie said that whole thing is a very sensitive thing for Scott because he's spent so much time on that product.
Scott came in and explained to Howard that he wouldn't do something like that if he was friends with them. He also told Artie that he's had the same kind of arguments with Sal and Richard. Artie said that he was doing that because they were being phony, Scott has a different argument than he does. Scott was saying that they'd be pissed if they were in the same position as he was.
Howard wanted to finish playing the clips of Scott and Jason. They eventually work up to talking about fighting each other. Scott said he's done with this stuff though and he doesn't want to go there again. Howard got back into the clips where Scott and Jason were arguing. Gary and Will were also throwing in some comments about their fighting. Howard said that this just goes on all day.
Howard played the clip where Jason challenged Scott to a fight. He was basically willing to take him on and then Scott said that he'd do that with one arm tied behind his back. Gary was saying that it might be the coolest fight ever.
Howard said that he can picture Scott beating Jason with one hand. The guys said that Jason isn't very athletic. He might have some rage in him though and he might be able to handle himself. Howard said he wouldn't want Jason to go into that fight though. Jason said that he would have a better chance of beating Scott if he did have one arm tied back.
Jason said he's embarrassed by this whole thing and he doesn't like it at all. He doesn't want to talk about this stuff. Howard heard that Jason and Will aren't talking right now because of the way Will has been acting. Jason said it's not about this but he is kind of bummed out about Will as a friend. He's not sure if he wants to talk about it on the air though.
Jason said that he and Will were very tight and even lived together for a while. He feels that Will has a lot of anger toward him and he's not sure where it's coming from. He said that Will gets angry every time he puts Mutt up on the phone to promote Superfan Roundtable. Will came in and said that Jason has gotten a little crazy with the way he has to be hands on about everything in the office. He said that the confidence pills he takes has changed him a lot. He said he's been a micro-manager lately. Howard said that he likes micro-managers, that's what he needs in the office.
Jason said that he really thought that he and Will were close friends but Will was saying they were never really that close. Jason said that really bummed him out to hear Will saying that they weren't that close. Howard said that he thinks that Jason is upset that he's not involved with Will's wedding. Jason said that's not the case. He said that Will is involved with his wedding but he hadn't even asked him to be part of it yet.
Will said something about Jason's fat ass crushing him and that didn't go over very well with Jason. Will said that he was just kidding and it was a friendly joke. Howard said that Jason seems to think that they were really close friends but now all of this was falling down on him.
Will said that he and Jason never really hang out outside of the show. Howard asked Jason who is number 1 on his Myspace page. Jason said that Will just dropped down a notch. Jason said that Will has a lot of anger toward him and he mutters about him under his breath a lot.
Will said that everything that Jason says to him is kind of irritating to him. Scott said that this was kind of depressing to even him. He was feeling bad for Jason after hearing Will going off on him. Howard said that he thought that Will and Jason were really close but now he's not so sure. Will said that he does share things with Jason that he doesn't share with anyone else. That kind of slowed down when they moved out and stopped being roommates.
Scott said that Jason is very demanding and he does ask for things from them sometimes. He said that he'll demand a picture or something and it's like he's got nothing else to do. Gary said that he asks Jason to run meetings sometimes and people will end up throwing stuff at him.
Jason said that he was asked to run a meeting one time and he took over the way he thought he should. He gets no respect from anyone though. Will and Scott had different stories about the meeting than Jason did. Jason said he was telling the guys the way he thought that Gary and Howard would want some things done and he couldn't get any respect from anyone there.
Howard said that this has gone way longer than he expected. Gary said that he had something to add to this. He said that he was hurt by something that happened yesterday. He said that Scott had said something throwing people under the bus and Will said that it wouldn't serve him well to throw his boss under the bus himself. He said that kind of hurt him because that makes him think that Will would throw him under the bus if he wasn't his boss.
Howard said he'd like to see this fight but he's not sure it would be the best thing for Jason. He said that it would be funny to see Scott beating up Jason with one arm tied behind his back.
Howard said that this sounds like Jason wants to be closer to Will than he is but things just don't work out. Jason said he was just saying that he thought they were closer than Will thinks they are. He's not looking to get closer to him.
Howard said that the audience hates all three of them and that's why he has to end this. He said he thinks he knows the audience better than they do. Artie said that he feels bad for Jason because he's not sure how he's going to get any work done like this.
Fred did an impression of Jason and goofed on him a little bit. Artie said that Jason is going to be going to Amsterdam for his bachelor party and it sounds like he might go to see what it's like. Howard said he's done with this whole thing now. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He had to take a break a short time later.
Lisa said she spoke to Gary's wife about his braces plans and she thinks that he should pass on it and not do anything. She doesn't think that it's going to make that much of a change. Howard said that he heard that Gary got a text message from Jackie last night where he was asking him about his braces and if he wanted to come on his show. Gary said that was the last place he wanted to go. He said he heard that Jackie did a whole show based on orthodontist jokes.
Gary said that his appointment with the orthodontist is on Friday. He's not sure he's going to do anything and it was harsh when Ralph told him that he needs to work on his fat before the braces.
Lisa talked a little more about Gary's wife but the guys were goofing on Jackie a little bit about his show. Artie said he was a fan of Jackie's show but Fred didn't seem to be one.
Lisa said that JD was asked who he could take down in a fight if he had to fight one. He said he might be able to take down High Pitch Mike but Mike thinks that he can beat JD. Howard said he thinks that Mike might be able to win because he has that rage in him that JD doesn't.
Bubba said that Benjy was just a weirdo while everyone else was pretty normal. Howard said that Benjy is a weirdo and it's all just retarded. Benjy said that he didn't want to order anything that would make him have to go because they were going to go to an orgy. He said that he had to use the bathroom as soon as he got to the party.
Howard asked Benjy what he did eat. Benjy said he ate a turkey burger without the bun. He told Benjy that even he doesn't think that much about food. He said that Benjy eats all day long and then he worries at the last minute at this dinner he was at.
Benjy said he didn't want to be overly full but he didn't want to be hungry. Artie said that Benjy gets way more energetic when he's out and it's like he takes confidence pills. Benjy said that's just because he doesn't have Howard telling him he's stupid. Howard wrapped up with that conversation a short time later.
Howard asked Don if he still backs George Bush like he did the last time he was on the show. Don said that he feels safer now than he did back then so he thinks that Bush is doing a good job. He said that he doesn't get to go visit him often but he has been to the White House a few times.
Howard asked Don what he does when he goes over to Iraq to see the troops. Don said that he goes there to raise the moral of the troops but didn't say exactly what he does. He said that he has to pay tribute to the parents and the families of the troops that are over there.
Howard asked Don what he has to do to get himself over to Iraq. Don said that it's the USO that sets him up and they really should be supported. He said that they do a lot for the troops over there. He said that he calls the USO and asks them to send him over there. He said that he's a supporter of the USO.
Howard said that Don is 76 years old and told him that he looks really good. He asked him if he fought in any wars or anything. Don said that he was actually in jail so he didn't have to fight in any big wars. He said he got out of the draft because he was in jail.
Howard asked Don about who was with him when he went over to Iraq. He said he had a producer with him and a guy by the name of Richie Rubeinstein. Howard said this wasn't much of a group to be going over to entertain. Don said that the troops were very happy to see them even if they don't know them all that well. He said that the troops were very happy to see anyone who would come out and put their life in harm's way. Their helicopter was attacked on the way there but they made it through just fine. He said that they had to wear body armor while they were there.
Don said he went to the hospitals there and visited some of the troops at 3 or 4 bases over there. He said he invited some of the guys to the fight this Saturday night and some of them will be there. That led to Howard asking him about this big fight. He said that it was a title fight but Don said that it's a people's title.
Howard asked Don about the settlement he had with Mike Tyson. Don said he's very happy with the settlement. He said that Mike was suing for much more than he got. He thinks that Mike is a great guy and he's pretty sure that if he saw him walk in the room, he'd get a hug and not a punch. Artie did his Tyson impression and said he would punch him.
Howard asked don about the tough times he's had with money over the years. Don said that he's just happy to be an American in this land. He said he came from having ''sub-nothing'' to where he is now. He said that this is a blessing. He said Robin must know what that's like.
Howard asked Don if he's tired and weary after all of these years of doing this stuff. He wondered if he's ever said he's just done with it all. Don said that he has this gift from God to be able to go out and do this stuff so he'd like to keep doing it.
Howard asked Don if it was true that Mike Tyson punched out one of his body guards. Don said he did punch out a friend of his, he wasn't a body guard. He said that was kind of painful for all of them. Howard asked Don who was the best, Tyson or Ali. Don seemed to be going with Ali because he really was the greatest.
Howard asked Don if he's still married. Don said that he is and then said that he does cheat, but just with his eyes. He said that if you look at a beautiful woman, you're cheating. He talked about how beautiful Robin was since he was looking at her in there.
Howard gave Don some plugs for the fight and said that it's on this Saturday night on Pay-Per-View. He then asked Don who he thinks is the hottest super star out there right now. Don said that he loves all women and he couldn't pick just one. He said that women should be cherished. He said that he's just excited about all women. Howard asked if he needs Viagra. Don said that he doesn't and then started saying a bunch of religious stuff. Howard asked him if he wakes up with a hard on ever. He said that he's been trying to avoid that for a long time. He said he doesn't have any trouble peeing or anything like that after Howard asked about that.
Howard gave Don some more plugs for the fight and asked him about his kids. Don said that his son is doing great. He said that his son is a dead beat dad but there's really nothing he can do about that. He said that he tries to talk to his son about that stuff and tells him he has to come up with the money to pay for those kids. He said he doesn't know the kids because they didn't want them involved in the kids lives.
Don got in another plug for the fight and said that it's going to be a great show. Howard asked Don if it's true that he has a photographic memory. Don was all over the place with his answers and didn't really give him a yes or no answer. He'd go off on a tangent and talk about other things and how God blessed him with everything he has.
Howard asked Don about his thoughts on the upcoming election. don said he didn't have a choice yet but when he sees who will be there, he will make a choice. Howard gave him some more plugs and wrapped up with Don. He took a call from Leon Spinks (audio clips) where they had him talking about how he doesn't like Don King and mumbling some other unintelligible stuff. That led to Don saying that Leon's son is going to be doing a fight for him in March.
Howard took some more calls for Don and let some people ask some questions. Some people were saying that they go after Don for his son's child support because he's his son's employer. Don said that he's never even met this granddaughter of his. Don also said that the son he's talking about doesn't work for him either. He said that the caller had the wrong son.
Ralph called in and said that he had dinner with Don one night and he's a very mellow guy, unlike what you'd think he'd be like.
Artie asked Don which fight he thinks was the best he ever saw. He mentioned about 3 fights that he saw over his lifetime and how great they were. He mentioned a couple of Ali fights and another one that he really thought was great. Howard asked Don a few more questions about being in jail and if he ever had to kiss a man when he was in but Don just started yelling out his plugs for the fight he was promoting.
Howard asked Don about the boxer's penises he's seen over the years. He said he didn't have time to be looking at that stuff. He also wouldn't comment on the Oscar De Lahoya pictures that were out last year. He said he didn't want to bad mouth anyone, he thinks that he's doing that well enough on his own. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard said they were talking about David Spade earlier and how he may have gotten Jillian Grace pregnant. Jillian was on the show back in 2004 and they helped get her into Playboy back then. Howard said that she'll probably end up with about $25,000 a month in child support. He said that Gary looked up some stuff and found that 50 Cent is paying about that much for his kid.
Howard read through some of the notes that Gary found. He looked up Matt Liner who is an NFL player and he's paying $15,000 a month. Robin said she thinks that's about where David will end up. Artie said that this is the story of the year. He's been texting Spade this morning busting his balls but he's not calling in. He said he thinks that he would be better off calling in than letting them go off on him all morning.
Howard said that he's pretty sure that Jillian wouldn't keep this kid if it wasn't Spade's. He said that Spade should be offering her some big money to get an abortion. Howard said that it's going to look bad if he abandons the kid like his father did to him.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that they have to go by what Spade earns per year. They figured that he's making a couple of million a year. Dominic said it'll probably be 15-20 thousand a month. He was telling the guys how things will probably go for Spade if this kid turns out to be his for sure.
Dominic said that the kid is going to need security and that's one of the things that the mother is going to claim in court. She can say that she needs that kind of money to support all of that. Dominic said that there are some formulas that they'd have to go through to figure out exactly how much Spade will be paying.
Fred said that Spade has a lot of cash because he's got a house on the market for $16 million. Howard said that this is the jackpot for Jillian. it's no wonder Spade collapsed in the gym last week. He must have just found out about it that day.
Howard said that he feels bad for Spade but he should have worn a rubber. Robin said that he should know better, he's a grown man. Artie said that Spade always lives above his means and he flies on private jets and stuff all the time.
Ralph called in and said that this is the best story ever. Howard said that Spade e-mailed him last night and he wanted to talk. He never heard from him but he knows he wanted to talk about this whole thing. Robin asked Howard if David had asked him not to talk about it, would he have avoided it. Howard said that he wouldn't be able to avoid this story, it's too big.
Howard said that the letter they got from Jillian's mother back in 2004 was the weirdest thing he ever saw. He said that they knew that Jillian was going to get into Playboy and they knew that she was going to be with Pauly Shore after she broke up with her boyfriend. They were right about that and now she's going to be able to back to that old boyfriend and marry him and he won't even have to work.
The guys talked about that day when they were predicting Jillian's future when she was trying to get into Playboy. Jason told Gary that they definitely mentioned Spade's name during that discussion. Gary said they'd have the tape tomorrow so they could go through all of that.
Howard said that no guy bangs a 22 year old Playmate without a condom. Ralph told him that everyone does it without a rubber, Howard is the only one who does it with one all the time. The guys talked about the condom thing for a few minutes and how Howard is the only guy who likes to have sex with a condom on.
Howard said that he must be freaked out right now. Gary asked him what he would do if he was at the mansion and Jillian came on to him and he didn't have a rubber with him. Howard said that he would walk away. He's been in a situation like that and he can walk away because it goes through his mind that she could get pregnant and he's just not going to do that again. He said that he could have 50 fuckin vodkas in him and he would walk away. He said that if you want to get off, you grab your own dick and jerk off, then get out of the room.
Howard said that Jillian would have had an abortion if this wasn't Spade's kid. He's pretty sure about that.
Gary said that Spade has a couple of shows in syndication. He's making a lot of money from shows like ''Just Shoot Me'' because that's a big syndication deal. Howard said that Spade didn't shoot his load into Jillian, he shot his life savings in there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he would do if he jerked off and some chick shoved his load into herself and she got pregnant. Howard said that he couldn't keep it quiet, that's not something that would be possible. He said he'd have to tell Beth about it and she'd probably have to leave him. Artie asked Howard if he thinks that Beth would ever forgive him for something like that. He said that he's sure that she'd leave him. He said that he'd have to come totally clean if he did something like that. Howard said that he would try to keep Beth but he knows better. He said that if he wants her, he wouldn't be cheating. The guys told him that every guy wants some strange once in a while. Howard said he still thinks about that but he just doesn't go there.
Howard said that it's hard to say no to the strange. He said he's had some experiences before where there were chicks who wanted to hang out with him and he's had to turn them down. He said this one chick out in Vegas wanted to do that and he was very attracted to her but he had to turn her down. He said that he didn't want to lose Beth. Howard said that Beth must go through the same thing but the guys told him that women are different. They don't go through the same kind of thing.
Ralph told Howard that he has some great opportunities and he's blowing them but he's making the right decision to be with Beth. Howard said he was feeling bad now that they were saying all of this. They all told him he was doing the right thing.
Howard said that if he got a woman pregnant, you sit her down and tell her that you're going to help out financially. He said that you have to try and do the right thing for her. Robin asked Howard what he would do if he was just starting to date and this happens. Howard said that you have to just follow through and if the woman wants to keep dating, then you do that.
Dominic Barbara called back in and gave Howard some more scenarios. He asked Howard what he'd do if a woman told him she couldn't have any kids, would he not use a condom. Howard said he would still use one. He said that things can happen and he wouldn't trust anyone who tells him that they're on the pill or anything like that. He trusts no one. Dominic was saying that there have been women who have had two different fathers for their twin kids before too.
Beth called in and told Howard that if she had just started dating him and then found out that he'd gotten someone pregnant, she'd leave. She also said that if he cheated on her now, she would never forgive him. She said that she wouldn't take him back because she's been through similar things before with other people. She can't give forgiveness in something like that.
Beth also said that she does have interesting men come up to her and hit on her. She said that she's in the same situation about wondering about other men but she would never go there. Robin said that for men it's the body that reacts, for women it's their mind. Howard said he was getting depressed hearing all of this. He said that there is a lot of temptation out there.
Howard said that Beth is saying that she's giving up a lot too and both of them have to do that to stay together. Artie said that if either of them cheated on each other it would be the most shocking thing ever for him. Howard said he would never do that to Beth. He said he'd have to tell her if he ever felt that way about another woman.
Howard said that Beth would be turned off to him if she found out that he had knocked up a 22 year old Playmate and he found out about it 6 months later. Howard said that he thinks she'd be right out the door. He said that's what Spade has to deal with now.
Artie said that he hopes that Spade isn't depressed about this whole thing. He said he might be. Gary came in and said he was looking at the log of the show where they told Jillian that she was going to meet Spade one day and they were going to be calling her Jillian Spade soon. Artie was surprised that he was that close that day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it sounds like Beth is getting cold feet about the marriage. Howard said she's just saying that she could have the same kind of temptation that he has. The guy said that it sounds like her feelings are being hurt by the conversations they have about hot chicks. She said she's not hurt, she's in the same situation, it's just a little different.
Another caller said that if Beth can resist Double A in the elf costume, she can resist any guy. He was also congratulating Jillian on her score. Howard said they have to get to Gilbert because he's there and he knows what the horror of knocking up a woman is like.
Howard said he thinks that Beth would have more options with men than he'd have with other women. Beth didn't think that was the case. He let her go a short time later. He said that she really loves him and he can't imagine giving her up for any reason. He said that she's hot and a wonderful woman.
Artie said that Howard told a story one time about a hot chick who used the N-word when he was out with her. Howard didn't take her up to his apartment that night because she used the N-word when the bouncer gave her a hard time. He said that he was afraid he was going to get his ass kicked because of her. He said he threw her out of the cab and went home alone that night. Artie said he would have banged her even if she had just gotten finished burning a cross. He doesn't have the will power that Howard does. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Gilbert what he thinks David Spade should do. Gilbert thinks that he's going to have to give up a lot of his money to her. Howard said that he saw that JD was watching the Leno show with Bill Maher on it. He asked Gilbert if he's been going on the show because of the scab thing. Gilbert said that they haven't called him yet and he's not sure what he'd do if they asked him to go on. Howard said that Artie was asked to go on Conan's show and he's afraid of crossing the picket line.
Gilbert said that he's not in the writer's guild so he's not sure what he'd do. They talked about Bill Maher crossing that line and did impressions of him. Both Artie and Gilbert were doing their impressions a little bit.
Howard played some clips of Bill's appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Some guy in the audience started yelling about saving democracy during the middle of that and no one was sure what he was talking about. Bill said that was just garden variety bat shit that could have gone on any night. Then a second protester started yelling something about NBC and GE. Howard played those clips as well and Jay Leno goes to break as the protester is yelling.
Howard said that Bill was kissing Jay's ass about writing the whole monologue himself. Howard said that he doesn't believe that for a second. IN the clip Bill is telling Jay how great the monologue was and how he's the only one who could do that all by himself. Jay was trying to down play it but Bill was kissing his ass big time and wouldn't let him do that.
Howard asked Gilbert about his work and if he's changed it at all in the past few years. Gilbert said that he doesn't ever change it. He just keeps doing the same stuff. Howard said that Gilbert does put new stuff up on his web site and he claimed that he was the one who got Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant on his web site. He also claims that he got some STDs from Hannah Montana. Gilbert said that there was a big rumor about her getting pregnant and he went on and commented on it. Howard said the real reason Gilbert doesn't write any new jokes is because he's too cheap to buy a new pen. Gilbert told him that he actually did the Hanna Montana TV show.
Howard said that he had Gary call the guy from Wire Image to find out what Gilbert's baby looks like. They heard back from the guy over there and he told them that the picture would be worth something. They look for any celebrity baby pictures. Howard said that it's worth a minimum of $25,000. They're looking forward to getting pictures of Halle Berry and Christina Aguilera's baby. Gary asked the guy what Gilbert's baby picture would be worth. They were told $1,000 to $1,500. Howard said that's pretty good, he thought it had zero value. Gilbert said that he's going to go out and buy a $5 camera and send in some pictures then.
Howard asked Gilbert about the baby and if he's learned anything or come up with any new material. Artie asked why he would do that and bump his great Mork and Mindy jokes for that. Howard figured that Gilbert would have come up with something new based on the baby. Gilbert said that would mean moving his Tanya Harding riff so he hasn't done that.
Howard got back to the writer's strike discussions for a short time. He also gave Gilbert some plugs for his Caroline's comedy club appearance that's coming up this weekend.
Howard played some clips from Jackie's show where he was goofing on Gary after saying he was planning on giving up on joking about Gary's teeth. Jackie said that he heard that Gary was going to the ''Horseodontist'' this week and he had to break his new year's resolution. He went on to describe what's in Gary's mouth and wondered where the teeth were going to move when he got the braces. Jackie was also saying that he always feels sorry for people who have braces because their lips are always espoused to that metal. He said Gary's lips have a hard enough time getting over those teeth. Jackie and his co-host were goofing on Gary's lips and how they'd be huge if his teeth moved away. Jackie said that they'd be like deflated life boats.
Gary said that he'd like to congratulate Jackie on writing his first new jokes in 40 years. He said that whatever they say isn't going to effect his decision on what he does.
Howard said that he read that Oprah has made another huge deal to take over the Discovery Health channel and rename it the Oprah Winfrey Network. He said he feels bad about people who get into business with her. She won't be helping them out with the network and she won't even appear on that network. He said that Oprah is going to own a TV network and she'll put zero energy into it. She puts all of her energy into that TV show of her's and that's it.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's into this Britney Spears and all of the wacky stuff she's been doing lately. He said that she just recently walked out of a store completely naked. Gilbert said that a few years ago she was unobtainable, now she's so nuts that he thinks that he could possibly get her. Artie said that they're not seeing an abnormal person, they're seeing a normal hillbilly.
Howard played some more clips from Jackie's show from last night where he was talking about Gary's braces. He took some phone calls and let some fans goof on him. Jackie was loving it and cracking himself up talking about Gary's braces and teeth.
Jackie told some stories about the stink that used to come out of Gary's mouth. He said that they used to comment on it when he'd leave the room and no one would address it until it somehow came out on the air.
Howard said that Jackie just goes and goes on and on about Gary's mouth. Howard said that Jackie is on fire about this whole thing, it's like he's got a whole new life to him. He said it's wild what this has brought on.
Howard said that Hate Man called in about Robin and Jim Florentine dating. He played the clip of him talking about how he'd like to be the one who's fucking Robin, not Jim. Then he yells out the N-word and gorilla and monkey over and over again. Gilbert said the N-word stuff turned him on.
Howard said that Hate Man also bad mouthed him about the way his neck looked on Letterman. He said that he looks like a prehistoric ostrich chicken fucker. He repeated the chicken fucker thing over and over and made some gobble, gobble sounds before ending that message.
Howard said that he noticed the neck thing on that show too. Robin said she had never noticed it before seeing it on Letterman either. She wondered where it came from.
Howard asked Gilbert if he thinks that he's aged well. Gilbert just laughed. That led to the guys asking Gilbert how old he is. He's a year younger than Howard who just turned 54. Gilbert
Ralph called in and told Howard how bad he looked on Letterman and how he really doesn't look like that in real life. He said the HDTV stuff intensifies the stuff you don't even really see in real life.
Howard took a call from Jackie's co-host Ian who said that it was a very fun show last night. He said that they got a call from a guy who had a very funny joke about harvesting ivory being illegal. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and got in some plugs for the Intern Show. They're going to be going over Gary's braces as well.
Howard said he had an audio clip of Robin tag teaming Bob Levy and Jim Florentine. He played that and it was a woman taking on two men in a porn movie and asking them to stick their dicks in her holes and to taste their juices. Artie and Gilbert found that very funny.
Howard played a voice mail from Crazy Alice where she was going off on Robin about dating Jim Florentine. She said that she's just another phony who talks about her on the show. She said that Robin has the same phone as she does and she doesn't even want that anymore. Howard gave Gilbert a few more plugs and then went to break .
Howard gave Gilbert a plug for his Caroline's show and Gilbert threw in a plug for his DVD and his web site GilbertGottfried.com.
Steve Langford came in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that they have a story about Robin's Christmas gift and how upset Ryan's mother was when she found out about the story. They also have a story about the case Howard's cousin had against Paramount. They've settled the case. Howard said he'd love to know what he got out of them.
Steve said that TMZ.com has a picture of Artie out in Vegas with his tongue hanging out. They showed the picture to Artie and he said that's at a club called Liquidity, in the Luxor, and they have hot chicks like that walking around in front of you all the time.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Howard why he keeps putting himself down because he doesn't look like he did on Letterman. Howard said that he does look like that and people just don't see it. Mariann told him he looked fantastic in person. She was also asking Robin when her next date with Jim is going to be. Robin wasn't talking. Howard said he knows for a fact she has one this weekend but then he said he wasn't so sure about that.
Howard went to Jon Hein and asked what they had coming up. Jon said they'd talk about the David Spade and Jillian Grace news they talked about early this morning. They'll also talk about Don King, Artie's Conan Dilemma, Jason, Scott and Will's fight and much, much more.
Howard said he doesn't think that Gilbert spends any time with his daughter and he just doesn't help out at all. Gilbert said he didn't even know that the baby had to be fed.
Howard and Robin asked Gilbert how old he was when he got a girl for the first time. Gilbert said he wasn't sure. He said he's heard that kids are losing their virginity at 11 and 12 these days. Gary came in with a picture of a naked Jillian a short time later. Gilbert said he could see why Spade did her without a condom. The guys hadn't seen all of those pictures. Artie said that those were real breasts too and they were extraordinary. The guys kept bringing in more and more pictures of her and Artie said that he was mad for some reason. He wasn't even sure why.
Artie said that he wants to go back to being a longshoreman, it wasn't worth it. He said he wanted to take those pictures home and face fuck them.
Howard said he got a letter from the producer of Mark Burnett who wanted him to know about the dangers of microwave cooking. He read that the microwaves don't heat up food enough to kill salmonella. Burnett has some kind of new technology that he's investing in and that's why he was sending him the note. Gilbert said that this one probably causes brain cancer or something.
Howard said that he's getting an oven in the mail. Gary told him that they got it already and it's sitting it Laura's office. This oven cooks at a higher temperature than a regular one does. It's the same size as a microwave though. Howard said he didn't know what it was all about and this is from a guy who makes people eat cockroaches on TV so he's not sure what the deal is.
A caller told Howard that he hasn't been eating out of a microwave for a long time now. He's afraid of the leakage. Howard said he doesn't cook food in there, he just reheats it. Robin said she doesn't even eat meat anymore so she doesn't worry about that. She said that most of her food is raw. Howard said she sure likes to brag about her new diet.
Robin got back to the Ellen story and said that a study was done and they found that Ellen was more popular than Oprah. Howard said that was ridiculous because Oprah gets bigger ratings. He said that's what shows popularity. They were talking about some other people on that popularity list like Ray Romano and Homer Simpson. Howard did a little bit of his impression of Ray Romano which sounds a little bit like Kermit the Frog.
Howard said that Gilbert is good at impressions but then Artie told a story about Gilbert doing a gig where most of the people were like 22 year old kids and he was doing impressions of Humphrey Bogart for them, like they'd know who he was. They said that Gilbert still does material about Planet of the Apes too.
Artie said that he saw Gilbert at Caroline's in 1987. He saw him again 7 years later and he did the same act, verbatim. He did some of the material that he used to do and Howard told him that he really has to work on some new material.
Robin said there was a story about Jackie renewing his contract with SIRIUS to continue his show there. Artie and Gilbert did some impressions of him and goofed on him a little bit.
Howard played some clips of Tom Cruise talking about being a Scientologist. He was talking about what a privilege it is and how he knows that he can help people. In another clip Tom was talking about going on vacation and going out to romp and play but he can't because he knows... He didn't say what he knows, he just knows. Howard said that L. Ron Hubbard probably never thought that he'd have someone this whacked out pushing his religion.
In another clip Tom starts laughing like a mental patient as he's talking about ''SPs'' (Suppressive Personalities) and throwing out some other terms that they use. Howard said he had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. JD said that he should play another clip because he talks about some other wacky stuff. Howard played that clip where Tom is talking about how they can unite cultures, bring peace and rehabilitate prisoners. Howard told him to go and do it then. Tom talks about going around the world and talking to various leaders of countries and how they want help.
Robin said she heard that Tom was doing karate chopping and stuff like that during those clips. Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wasn't a full Scientologist yet because she doesn't have the money for that. Howard said he finds it amusing that Tom thinks he's some kind of savior. He said that all of these religions are completely nuts. He talked about how crazy Tom comes off talking about how he thinks he can bring peace and cure people. The woman said that she thinks that they should give him a chance and maybe read the book. No one in the studio was going to do that though. Howard let her go and had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about Senator Larry Craig and the trouble he got into when he was arrested for allegedly soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. The ACLU has jumped on his side and they're trying to help his defense. That had Artie and Gilbert cracking up while Fred was playing some oral sex sound clips.
Robin brought up a story about a study that was done about clowns and how kids don't actually like them. Howard said that's not news, that's known already. Of course kids hate clowns. Gilbert said that not one person has ever laughed at a clown, it just doesn't happen.
Robin read a story about a study being done on dog barks so they can be better understood. She also had a story about actor Brad Renfro being found dead. Gilbert joked that he had just given him his number and he was supposed to call him tonight. He was also saying that Artie was asked for some advice on what to do for the funeral. He did his impression of Artie and goofed on him a little bit. Then Artie said that he was out in the green room talking to Gilbert and Gilbert ended up laughing at him after he got out like 2 words.
Gilbert went into his George Jessel impression which sounds a bit like the Artie impression. Robin tried to get back into her news but Gilbert was talking over her doing his impression. He had Artie laughing his ass off. Howard said that people probably forget just how funny that guy looked too.
Robin read through some more news stories. She had one about cloning and that led to the guys talking about cloning beef. Howard said they want to do that because people like beef and they need more of it. The guys laughed at that explanation but Howard said that's the reason.
Robin had some news clips about Oprah's new TV network and what that was going to be about. Howard said that she's not going to be putting any effort into that network. He said he's very upset about this deal.
Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard who wasn't on the line, she was yelling at someone else for a few seconds. Howard told her to have sex with George Jessel and had Gilbert go into his impression again. Gilbert asked her if she was wet but Wendy was busy yelling at someone, maybe a baby, so Howard hung up on her.
Robin brought up last night's American Idol and said it continues tonight. She had some clips from last night's show that Howard played. She had clips of Angela Martin, Joey Catalano and some of the people who were awful. Howard had Gilbert doing his George Jessel impression for a few minutes as they were wrapping up the news. He was doing an interview with him as if he were actually George.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after he gave Gilbert some more plugs for his DVD and CD. He tried to make the Wendy the Retard thing happen again but that didn't work out. Robin went through some more stories and brought up the David Spade story and said that Matthew McConaughey is also having a kid. That somehow got Gilbert and Fred doing their ''Sue, Si, Sy'' thing for a few seconds. Howard had to ask him to stop because he wanted to get out of there at a decent time.
Robin quickly went through some more stories and talked about Major League Baseball trying to stop steroid abuse. She also talked about Britney Spears and how she had written a suicide note last week before she was hospitalized. That got Gilbert doing an impression of Bruce Valanche helping Britney out writing that suicide note. Robin said that the note was apparently very sad and she talked about how tough life is and how peaceful death seemed to be. Howard said he wondered what Paul Lynde would say to something like that so Gilbert went into that impression for a short time. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
Jon said he wanted to talk about the David Spade and Jillian Grace story. Gary said that they created that monster because they helped Jillian get into the magazine and that's how David Spade met her. Gary said that Spade is supposed to be on next week but he's not sure if he's going to make it now.
Gary said that he thinks that there was some issue between David and the show in the past. He didn't come on the show when he was dating Heather Lockelar and Gary said he understands that, he didn't want to screw things up.
Gary talked about how they got Jillian on the show when her mother sent them a letter talking about getting her in the magazine. He said that they only had her in because her mom had sent the letter. He said that they had seen hundreds of girls before her that didn't belong in the magazine but she turned out to be different and things happened quickly after that.
Gary said that Artie predicted a lot of stuff back when they first met her and found out she was going to be in the magazine. Artie predicted that she was going to break up with her boyfriend, date Pauly Shore and meet David Spade. All of those things came true.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking about hearing about David Spade and Jillian from Beth first thing this morning. Gary said that they are kind of responsible for Jillian and they think that she should be calling in to give them the scoop. Gary said that she might be kind of miffed at them because they blew her off the past couple of times she wanted to come in. He said that she was very interesting on the show when she talked about Hef and what he's like in the bedroom. She ended up getting fired from Playboy for that though. He said he remembered the way things went that time. Jillian lost her job on the Playboy radio channel and only got to do like one show.
Jon said that they were talking about what the right thing would be to do if they were in a similar position that David Spade is in. Gary said that he felt that Beth is no push over after hearing her call in. He said that she doesn't mess around and she's not going to take any shit from Howard if he screws up.
Jon took a call from a guy who was goofing on Gary about the way he looked on Letterman. He ended up hanging up on them when they asked what kind of noise he had going on behind him.
Jon asked Jason why he's upset. Jason said he's just bummed out, that's all. Will asked him what he's bummed out about. Jason said he doesn't think that Will has a high regard for him and he didn't know that until yesterday. He said he doesn't get why Will is upset with him about asking him to put someone up on the phone. Will said that's not what it's all about. It's his micro-managing the office.
Jason said that Will also thinks that he follows him in his life and tries to do the same things he does. Will asked when he's done that. Jason said that he just made a comment about him playing follow the leader just recently. Will said that this isn't completely out of left field. Will said that he got together with his girlfriend and then Jason got back together with his girlfriend and then they moved in and then got engaged after he did it. Will said this all sounds gay though so he's not sure why he's doing this.
Jon asked Gary if he notices this stuff. Gary said that Jason and Will work like a foot and a half apart from one another and he thought that they were better friends than they seem to be today. He said that he just found out about what Jason did at the same time. Jon said that he didn't think that it was that out of line when they were talking about how they weren't that close. He thought that it wasn't a surprise at all. He said it's not a total surprise at all to him.
Gary said that it's been a lot of ''Jason and Will'' for a long time now but he knew that they were two separate people. Will said that they don't call each other every weekend to hang out or anything like that. He said that they're still friends but they're not that close. Gary said he was surprised at the level of friendship they do have after all of this.
Benjy asked Jason who he really feels closest to. Jason said he's very close to Steve Brandano and both Jon and Gary too. He said that he doesn't talk to them every night on the phone or anything. He said he likes Teddy, JD and other guys too.
Will said that he's closer to Jason than Scott DePace but he's pretty close to Scott. He said that Scott doesn't irritate him like Jason does. He knows that sounds callous to everyone but that's the way he feels. He said that his brother and Jason can both get under his skin very easily. He said that he moved in with Jason years ago because things just happened to happen that way. Jason said that he and Will never would have been friends in school and Will agrees with that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that these fights just go on and on with no break. He said that it's funny that this stuff comes on the way it does and wondered how Jason could have missed this. Jason said that he's never said a bad word about Will and this really bothers him now that he knows the way he feels about him.
Jon said that Howard thrives on this stuff. Jason said it really does but he did say that he was bored with it at one point. Will said that he agrees and no one cares about a feud between Jason and Will. Jon said he's not so sure about that because the phones were full. He took a call from a guy who said that Jason and Will would never be friends outside of work. Will said that he would probably get drunk and throw stuff at Jason if he saw him and didn't know him.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he gets Will's point of view because he used to take pills the way Jason does. He had a theory about how Will probably needs to hear more from Jason to feel close. Will said there is an aspect to that but who cares, he didn't want to get into it on the air. Jason said that he'd like to talk to Will off the air about this. He said there's no way to avoid sounding gay talking about this on the air.
Will said that he can't get Jason to even look at him in the office now. He said he liked the depressed Jason better than the new Jason who is on happy pills. Jason said he used to laugh at him about that but Will said that he thinks that's what normal people are like, that's why he liked him better.
Another caller said that they need a Will and Jason free day sometime soon. Another guy asked if they noticed that Will is almost always involved in altercations on the show and he comes off as a bit of an asshole. He thinks that he's not happy with his position on the show. Will said that he does like to stir the shit on the show, he gets off on that. Gary said that he thinks that Will has taken over that part of the show from Stuttering John.
Ralph called in and said he wanted to talk about Beth and he hadn't heard this morning's show yet. He said that Jason sounds like a bit of an asshole on the air and it's really not him. He thinks that it's the medication talking though. He said he always thought that Will was just goofing on Jason but now it seems like he takes every chance he can to bad mouth him. He doesn't seem to have any respect for him. Will said that Jason is smarter than him and he cares for people more than he does and those are a couple of positive things he has to say about him. He does think that he needs to be knocked down to reality once in a while though.
Jason asked Ralph about hanging out with him off the air and if he finds him to be like that then. Ralph said that he's just not ''Jason'' when he's on these medications. He said that the pill is something that's just an easy fix when he really should be going to therapy instead. Jason said he's right about that. He said that he likes himself better on this pill and doesn't think of himself as a piece of shit anymore. He said that he felt like he let people walk all over him before he was on the pills.
Jason has told people that he's the real Jason when he's on the pills and that's the real Jason. He almost got fired from K-Rock because he got so bold when he started on the pills there.
Ralph said that he thought that Beth sounded very real when she called in and she sounded really pissed about the stuff they were talking about. Gary said that it was a different side of her that they hadn't heard before. Ralph said that it was a great real moment on the show but he was afraid that she was going to yell at him for bringing it up.
Benjy asked Ralph if he and Beth hang out and talk without Howard around. Ralph said they do once in a while. Benjy didn't have any follow up for that though. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that Don has a photographer who follows him around everywhere and he was taking pictures of Don with everyone in the studio. He's always done that over the years. He said that by this afternoon he'll have all of those pictures in an envelope and he's gotten them every time the guy comes on the show.
Benjy said that he has a theory about Don talking about how he can't get it up anymore and how maybe that's because he doesn't want his wife to know he's cheating. Jon told him he may be over thinking that.
Gary said that they met Don King back at NBC and told the guys how he found him there at NBC and how he had come into the studio and blew his nose into a handkerchief. He said both he and Don saw what he had blown into it at the same time and he thought he was going to throw up.
Jon said that Artie loves Gilbert and has a lot of fun when he comes in. Benjy said he doesn't like the constant laughing because he thinks that it's like a morning zoo laugh. He'd like it better if he could get rid of that and just do the impressions.
Gary said that Gilbert laughs like that constantly, even when they're off the air. Another caller thought that Gilbert was extra annoying this morning and wouldn't shut the hell up. He thought it was a little out of hand. Another guy said that he wanted to talk about Beth and Howard. He said that he's not hearing a lot from Artie about Beth and Howard and he's wondering if they put a hush on that. He was also wondering about this wedding that Howard and Beth have coming up and if Howard is having doubts. He wanted their opinions on that stuff.
Gary said that Howard never stops them from talking about anything like that. He said that they are a different couple and they've gotten to see how similar they are and how well they get along. He thinks that they're going to get married and Beth won't press for children based on what he heard this morning. The caller said that he thinks that saying that Beth doesn't want kids is a crock of shit and he's getting himself into trouble. He said he must look at those things and wonder if he's going to end up being one of those dudes that he's goofed on. He said that he hears that in his voice when he talks about it sometimes.
The caller wondered if they're going to keep kissing ass saying that they're going to be fine. Jon said that everyone gets caught up in that worry at the last minute because it's a big commitment. Gary doesn't thin that the marriage isn't going to happen. He said that Howard might worry about it but he thinks that things will work out fine.
Gary said that everyone thinks about how this is supposed to be the rest of your life when you get married. Benjy said it's a big decision to decide not to have kids. He wondered what Beth is thinking about for the future and leaving options open. Jon said that you never know what's going to happen in the long run.
Another caller said that Beth would get bored with Howard eventually because he's an old man and she's a young woman. He said that she must not want to go to bed early and stuff like that. The guys told him that they've seen Howard and Beth together and they really do get along and they're not just kissing ass there.
The caller had a question for Benjy and asked if he follows sports at all. Benjy said he follows Penn State a little bit but that's about it.
Richard came in and talked about how funny Gilbert was on the show and how they didn't even know who George Jessel was. They had to look him up on the web to find out who he was. Benjy told the guys that he thinks that Richard might be slightly retarded because he laughs at anything. They had to end the show a short time later.
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Howard started off the show singing along with his opening theme song that he couldn't remember the lyrics to. He said that Rob Zombie wrote down the lyrics for him and he just read them that day and now he doesn't remember them.
Howard said Artie asked him if he heard from David Spade yesterday and he never did. Robin said that he just had a bomb dropped on him and he probably didn't want to hear them talking about that on the show. Artie said he called Spade and he played phone tag with him. He actually did call him back but they never spoke to each other.
Howard said that Gary tried to get Jillian Grace on the phone but she never did call in. He said that she did write them back though. He said that they basically discovered her and he thinks that she should call in.
Howard was going to read the note from Jillian but he didn't have it printed out. He asked Jason to get it for him but jokingly told him that he doesn't think he likes him and he sees what the other people are complaining about back in the office.
Howard said he was kind of disappointed in seeing this e-mail from Jillian. He said that she finally has something of value for the show and she won't call in. He said she's had very little going on up until now and now she's unavailable. He said this is his fate. Jason brought the letter in a short time later. Howard read it and she basically says that she will let them know if she does make any statements to the press. It sounded like a pre-written press release or something.
Howard said he thinks that she may have a whole staff now that she's planning this whole baby thing. Gary said that she's clearly blocking her e-mail now. Gary said that he replied to that e-mail and it came back blocked. He said it came back as blocked when he responded to it.
Howard said he figures that Spade is praying for a miscarriage. Robin thought that was wrong but Howard said he's pretty sure that's what he's wishing for.
Howard had some audio from June 14, 2004 (He may have had the wrong date, I have June 25) when they were talking to Jillian about what was going to happen to her once she got into Playboy. He said that her mother had brought her in and they figured she could get into Playboy. In the clip Artie is talking about some of the people that she's going to meet out at the Playboy mansion. They threw out names like Sam Simon and a bunch of other people who were going meet her and end up marrying her. Artie even threw in David Spade's name at the time. He told Jillian that she was going to be ''Jillian Spade.'' Howard asked her to let them know what his house was like after she had gotten there.
Howard played another clip from September 25, 2004 where they were goofing around with her a little more when she called in. Howard threw out David Spade's name again at that time as if they knew that this would eventually happen one day. They actually predicted her future.
Howard said that it was unbelievable that they were able to come up with that stuff. Robin wondered how they knew that it was going to happen. Artie said that he was just going through the rolodex in his head of the guys who go to the mansion and that was one of the names that came up.
Howard brought up Eddie Murphy and how he went out and got married but now he's saying that the marriage wasn't legitimate and they're not really married. He said that Eddie and this woman barely know each other and they're running around like idiots going out and getting married. They spent a few minutes talking about how crazy that is.
Howard and the guys were also talking about Spade getting caught up in this pregnancy thing. One phone caller thinks that Jillian may have trapped Spade into this whole thing but Howard said that he had to be a willing participant in the whole thing. He said that there's no way he would go out and bang chicks like that without a condom if he was Spade.
Artie said that he thinks that it could be a little shady if you think about it. Robin asked him if he ever goes in bareback when he's banging chicks. He said he has and that he actually had a scare one time and took care of the woman who claimed that he was the father. The woman went to a planned parenthood place and took care of it for him.
Howard talked about what you see on these shows like The Biggest Loser and how it proves that people can control their weight if they control their diets and work out. Artie could do that if he wanted to. Artie said he was in good shape back when he was doing The Norm Show and had time in the afternoon to work out. Now he says that his schedule doesn't allow it.
Howard said that there is a gym in the building they're in and Artie passes it every day. He also said that people who do lose a lot of weight don't look healthy. He said that their skin sags and it just doesn't look good. Artie said that he would never have his stomach stapled, he's just not like that.
Another caller told Howard that the Will and Jason fight was good yesterday but he kind of cut them off. Howard said he has a skill there and he knows when to put an end to something like that on the air. He said that Will and Jason work in the office there and he was shocked to hear that they're not as close as he thought they were. He said that not everyone gets along when they work together but it does make for good radio. He said they sound childish when they fight like that though.
Howard said they had a picture of Jillian in the article and she looks really hot. She was at the Playboy mansion at the time. Howard then read through the article and they say that Spade is basically turning his back on Jillian who just turned 22 in December. Spade is 43. In the article they talk about some of the other celebrities that Spade has dated. They also talk about Spade getting Jillian's phone number from Playboy and how they hooked up after that.
They claim that Jillian and David talked about having a kid together but Artie said there's no way Spade would say that. Howard said they also talk about how Spade was informed about the baby around Christmas via text message.
Howard said that David doesn't even know for sure that this is going to be his kid. He doesn't know for sure that she got knocked up by him. Gary came in and said that they had a post on Jillian's Myspace page. Here's what it said:
1/16/2008 I am making zero claims to any news media. First of all out of respect to Howard Stern should I have a news flash he will be the first to know. Second any trip a girl takes to the pharmacy she takes alone. And third I would like to tell Star Magazine that in a small town everyone claims to be your friend.
She's basically saying that the person who contact Star magazine wasn't necessarily her real friend. Howard and the guys spent a few more minutes. Howard said that she really does owe them the scoop because they did get her into the magazine.
Howard said that Gilbert walked out of the studio with two bottles of Poland Spring water and it's like a sickness that he has where he's so cheap that he has to take food and water like that so he doesn't have to pay for it.
Howard told a story about Gilbert going out with this woman they knew. She said that she ended up paying the bill for the meal when Gilbert vanished for a long period of time. She felt really weird about it and had to pay herself. Gilbert never offered to pay but he showed up right after she paid the bill.
Howard said that Gilbert walked out with the two bottles of water yesterday and held them up to his chest as he was leaving. Gary said that he has a move where he puts two to the side and drinks one in the studio. The two are apparently the two that he takes home.
Gary said that he asked Gilbert about being part of the Friar's club. Gilbert doesn't go there because he doesn't want to pay for the membership even though he'd get free food by going there. Artie said that you don't pay the first year you join that club.
Gary said that Stuttering John used to do shows with Gilbert and he would take syrup packets when they'd go out to eat. Howard said that's embarrassing and he can't imagine carrying all of that stuff around in his bag.
Howard said that they wanted to honor Bob Grant with some kind of lifetime achievement award and Bob was going to accept it. He said that they then put out a press release where they said that they did some research and decided to pull the offer and not give him the award. They said that he did some things in his career and made some comments that they felt shouldn't get him the honor. Howard said that's a real embarrassment for Bob and they've humiliated the guy.
Howard said that he's a fan of Radio and Record but this is just wrong. He said that he's gotten some awards from them himself and this is just a bush league move in his opinion.
Howard said that Jon Hein gave him some ratings information about American Idol and they're about 4 million viewers down from last year's shows. He said that this year has a bunch of good looking girls so far and he's looking forward to watching.
Robin said that even the dummies on the show aren't as entertaining this year. She said that she does watch that part of the show but the rest of it doesn't interest her.
Howard said that English Bull Dogs have moved up to one of the top spots for the kind of dog people want to own. He said that they're great dogs and very cut but they're ultra sensitive to everything. He said that his dog shakes if it starts to lightning and thunder. He said the dogs look mean but they really are big babies. Artie said that's because people watched the Bugs Bunny cartoons and the bull dog in those cartoons was mean. Howard said you have to be prepared to spend a lot of time caring for these dogs because they are a handful.
Howard read an article in the paper and the name of this kid was Nixzmary which he had never seen before. Robin had heard of it though.
Howard read a story about Sean Penn getting a divorce from Robin Wright Penn who used to be really hot. Artie figured that she hit that magical age of 45 or something and now Penn is done with her.
Howard said that someone wrote in about a story that Artie told about Bono. Artie said he knew that it was just a rumor or a gossip story but it was a funny joke. Gary said that if you want to find out if that stuff is true or not you can go to Snopes.com where they debunk stories like that.
Howard read some mail about Gilbert Gottfried's visit yesterday. Some fans liked Gilbert's George Jessel impression. Richard came in and said that he didn't know who that guy was until Gilbert did the impression. He didn't even know who Paul Lynde was until yesterday.
Howard said that some people were upset with Tim Sabean not buying Scott the Engineer a Nano. Others thought that Scott was a big baby about the whole thing.
Howard said that someone wrote in about a comment that Ralph made on the show the other day when they were talking about football. The guy gave a bunch of statistics about all of that stuff.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that Eric the Midget was complaining about him being bad for the moral of the show or some shit like that. Howard said he really doesn't care about any problem he may have with Eric the Midget.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up a story about a guy who was forced to have a rectal exam after a back injury. The guy told him the story as he heard it. He said that the guy is now suing the hospital because he didn't want them to do the exam on him. The guys talked about that for a few minutes. Robin said that if you ask not to have something like that done, the doctors should just let the guy go and not do it. Howard pointed out that Robin was rectally examined out in San Francisco one time. She said that guy had permission to do that though.
the caller asked Howard about his chess rating. Howard said that it's gone down a bit lately and he's between 1500 and 1600 now. He said he had some bad games and lost some of his score. The guy asked Howard if he'd be willing to play a friend of his show is rated at about 1800. If Howard won, the caller would donate $50,000 to the North Shore animal League. If Howard lost, he'd have to go up on stage at a charity event and play with The Losers. Howard said he really didn't want to play against this guy, he'd probably lose.
The caller, Eric from Hoboken, asked Artie one more question and said that he hasn't gotten laid in a long time. He said that he'd like to be Artie's JD out in Vegas in February. That led to Artie talking about this guy who he sees every morning. He said that they show up at the coffee shop every morning and the guy is always on the phone too. He said that he gets on like 95 percent of the time so Howard must be into what he gives to Will when he calls in. Howard said he noticed that he never gets to the subject that he says he's going to.
Howard let that guy go and another caller said he's just an asshole. Artie said that he seems like a good looking guy and a successful guy and he doesn't mind if he comes out to Vegas with him.
The next called told Howard that he loved when Beth called in yesterday. He said that she does sound like she's losing her attraction to Howard. Artie said that he doesn't agree but he knows what he's talking about. He said that she was very assertive with Howard but she was just trying to make a point and that was the only way she could make it happen.
The caller and Howard spent a short time talking about the whole Beth thing but Howard got fed up and said that he had to take a break. He didn't want to get into all of that with the guy and he was explaining himself too much. He went to break a short time later.
Lisa G came in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that people were probably wondering where the cupcakes were since there were none. Howard said that they usually have Crumbs bakery bring in cupcakes but yesterday they were late and people were getting upset. He said that Gary told him that Jon Hein, who is diabetic, was upset because he adjusts his insulin intake that day so he can eat one of those cupcakes.
Artie said that the cupcake that Jon eats is even too rich for him. He said that it's an Oreo cupcake that's just insane. He said that Jon has to prepare to eat that thing. Howard said he heard that Jon eats fast food for lunch every day.
Jon came in and told Howard that he won't eat snacks on Tuesday nights because he knows that he can have that cupcake the next morning. Lisa said that the delivery guy dropped the box and there wasn't a back up order so they couldn't get the cupcakes there. Lisa said she spoke to the owner about it and he was saying it was too late to get them there by the time he found out about it. She said they did get some comments about Artie eating those cupcakes.
Howard said that if you microwave popcorn and sniff in that fake butter steam, there's a dangerous carcinogenic compound in there in some popcorn's.
Gary told Howard that the woman at Wendy's that Jon goes to knows his order so well that they don't even have to talk anymore. The guys talked about Jon's odd behavior with that stuff. Howard said that Jon only likes certain junk food and will only go to Wendy's. He won't go to Burger King. Jon said he always had hated Burger King. He said that he gave the guys a list of why he thinks they suck. Howard read through that list and Howard read a couple and said ''Jesus Christ...'' as he was going through it.
Jon said that he gets a triple at Wendy's with fries and a large diet Coke. He said that it's supposed to be 3/4 of a pound but he doesn't think that it's that much.
Howard read through some of Jon's other complaints about Burger King and he complains about everything from the names of the foods they have and the cleanliness of the individual stores. Howard said that it's not that easy to ''have your way'' at Burger King like they say you can. He also complained about the toys that they give in their kid's meals. The Burger King character never really looks the same from year to year either. Jon said that McDonald's controls that stuff much better than Burger King.
Howard said that this list that Jon put together is amazing. He figured that when you don't take time to masturbate, you must have time to put a list like that together. He read through some of the other stuff on the list and Jon complained about the brand marketing with the ''BK'' stuff like the BK Broiler and things like that while McDonald's does a much better job with things like that. Jon thinks that McDonald's has more prestige than Burger King as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jon is out of his mind and can't believe that he adjusts his insulin so he can eat a cupcake. Another caller said that this just shows that Jon is the biggest douche bag ever with this list of his. Howard said he kind of likes this list, that's what he likes about Jon. Another caller said that Jon is more fucked up than anyone else on the show. Artie talked about going to a baseball game with him one time and Jon ate more junk than even he did.
Another caller asked how Jon can compare fast food restaurants like that. Howard said the guy knows fast food and he was just putting the list together for them. Another caller said that he agrees with Jon about the Burger Kings and how they're all filthy. Artie said he loves the food at Burger King and disagrees with him on that assessment.
Artie asked Jon about what his perfect meal would be. Jon said that he'd like to have Nathan's fries out of all of them. Howard cut him off and said he read that Jon wants to go to Columbus Ohio because it's the fast food capital of the world. Jon said there's a road out there where they have every single fast food chain restaurant on that road. He said that's where they test out the places.
Howard asked Jon if he likes pizza. Jon said he's not a fan of the fast food pizza stuff. He said that he really likes the In and Out Burger places out in the West. He said that when he goes to Vegas, he has to get a burger because they really are amazing.
Artie said that he and Jon went to this place called Steak and Shake and they had really good steaks and shakes. Howard asked Jon to do an F, Marry Kill with Nathan's Fries, a Double Quarter Pounder and a Crumbs cupcake. He picked the Nathan's fries to marry, the cupcake to F and the Quarter Pounder to kill.
Howard said that Jon hasn't given up eating red meat at this point while so many other people have. Jon said that he's a meat and potatoes type of guy so that's what he enjoys eating.
Howard said his shrink told him that he knew that he didn't eat red meat anymore but he never told him that so he wasn't sure how he knew. The shrink told him that all of his patients have given up eating red meat so he just knew.
Lisa G said that Crumbs has raised over $10,000 for the AIDS charity that they donate to when people buy them. She said that Benjy is going to be riding a bicycle to raise some money for a charity this week. Benjy said that he's going to be doing that for an hour so he doesn't think he's going to die like Howard said he thought would happen.
Lisa said that they have a story about Nick Manning getting kicked out of the building he was in with his lingerie store.
The caller also asked Howard about Mel Brooks who was apparently out selling his book at a books tore and singing songs to the people at the signing. He was supposed to be on the show earlier this week but backed out saying he was sick. Howard said that it's a weird story because they heard that he was a big fan of the show but then he backed out of it. He said he's heard from a bunch of people that he was a big fan.
Howard said he read in the paper that Mel was out dancing and carrying on the day he called them saying he was sick. He said that he doesn't know what happened there. Gary said that he spoke to the publicist about the interview and he was supposed to hear back from him by the end of the day. He didn't hear anything and tried contacting him the next day. The guy went on vacation so he had to contact someone else. He said that they told him that they weren't going to be booking him again. He sent back an angry e-mail saying that the whole thing was handled very poorly.
Howard said he wasn't even looking for Mel to come on the show but he thought it would be nice to have him in. Now they've made them look bad and the publicists just jerked them around.
The caller had a bunch of people yelling behind him so Howard had to bail out on his call. Howard read a quick note about the head of the FCC talking about how they hope to have the XM and SIRIUS decision by the end of the first quarter of this year.
Howard read a news story about a guy who tied up his son after he refused to put on a Green Bay Packers shirt after they won over the weekend. That led to Artie talking about how he was thinking about going out to Green Bay to see the game this weekend.
A caller told Howard how great it was to see this Howard TV special where he was at a chocolate store and eating all kinds of gourmet chocolates. Howard said that he was talking to someone about Gary's weight after the person saw him on Letterman. Howard said that it was a friend who saw him on TV. Gary thought that it was someone in the green room but it was just someone who saw the TV show.
Howard told Gary that fixing his teeth is ludicrous and he really should just get his weight under control. Gary said he's going to join a gym and start working out again. He said that his wife is kind of worried about that and not so much the weight.
Gary said that if he was single, he's not sure if he'd even get thinner to date. He's with Artie on that. Artie still gets hot chicks and he's 300 pounds. He said he could use the Stern Show name to get chicks like Artie is doing.
Howard said he heard from a friend of his who said that she used to be attracted to Artie back when his movie came out but now she's not because he's gotten so big. Gary said that he gets e-mail from hot chicks who want to bang Artie all the time. They're into him even at 300 pounds.
Gary said he had a problem with Artie in Beer League because he wasn't fat. He said he'd love to see a remake of the movie now that he's fat. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later but Artie mentioned how hot Robin looked this morning. He said that she's looking like a 17 year old now that she's lost all of this weight. He said he's not sure he could do what she's done.
Gary said that the stuff that Robin has to drink to stay in shape looks like raw sewage. Robin said that it was a smoothie with not enough liquid in it. She said that it's protein powder that's mixed very thick. She said that it's a hemp drink so Howard said that she shits rope. Howard told Robin that she is looking amazing and the extra 15 pounds she's looking to lose is a perfect number. He said if she loses that, she could get knocked up by David Spade. Robin said that she's pretty sure she would go for someone other than David or Pauly Shore. She might go for someone like Dane Cook or one of those Blue Collar Comedy tour guys.
Artie told Richard that he might have the AIDS, he's a homo. Richard said that he hasn't changed and hasn't showered in 3 days. Artie told Howard that this is a human resources issue and if he smells him, he's going to leave. He said that everyone on the plane from Vegas was coughing and sneezing around him.
Howard said that Richard has backed out of the deal to have Sal's balls in his mouth. Richard said he had second thoughts on that whole thing and he doesn't want a used video game system for taking balls in his mouth.
Howard told Richard to go home now and change. Richard said he's been told not to go home from work unless he's puking. Howard didn't understand that. Richard said that it's the work ethic that he got when he was working in construction. Howard kicked him out of the studio because they don't need to get sick themselves. Howard told Richard to go home and shower.
Howard figures that they're all going to get sick anyway so Richard might as well stick around. Richard just touched the door handle and they all noticed that. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that Cat Stevens walked away from it all and went off on some religious thing for years. He said he went kooky religious and gave away all of his money. Robin said he stopped performing all of his hit songs for a long time too. Now he's back to doing them apparently.
Howard asked Fred if he did some other songs so Fred looked them up. Howard was singing some of the songs that he liked and Robin knew that he was going to do that because he does that every time he brings up that guy's name.
Howard said that he could watch this stuff all day long so he had to ask Robin to let him know if it gets boring. Howard played the first clip where Eric and his sidekick, Gina, was asking Eric questions about American Idol as they were watching it. Robin said that it was very exciting, in a very sarcastic voice.
Eric didn't have a lot to say and Gina was talking more than him. Artie said that Eric sucks at radio and they should just be honest with him like he wants people's families to be with the people who were on Idol.
In another clip Eric is asked some questions and one of them was about the type of shows he likes to watch. Eric mentioned a couple of shows and had Artie laughing at each one. Eric sounded a lot different on his web cam mic instead of on the phone. Benjy thought that it was a scam because the voice was so different. He said that the whole thing was different. Artie said he never thought it was a fake at all. Howard assured Benjy that it wasn't a fake.
Howard said that he had more but wasn't sure if they wanted to hear it. Artie said that it was very entertaining. Howard played another clip where a fan asked Eric what he's doing about his script. Eric said that Howard isn't earning the script so he's not working on it.
Gina asked Eric if he was going to call into the show the next morning but it turns out that Eric was holding off to see if they could get his girlfriend Kendra to call in by Thursday. Howard heard that Eric was sick this morning and that's why he wasn't calling in.
Howard asked JD what else he should play. JD said that the whole show is the same thing over and over again so he could play anything. Howard played a clip where Gina asked Eric if he knows what the big surprise is that Howard has in store for him. Eric said he found out about it and it was just getting Kendra on the show. Howard said that's not it at all. Howard said that this woman who is talking to Eric seems to have some kind of radio experience. She's too polished according to Robin.
Howard played another clip of Eric commenting on the end of the show and having pretty much nothing to say. Howard took a call after that and the guy said that Eric sounds like that Schmigel character from the Lord of the Rings movie. Artie said that this guy in the Confederacy of Dunces book is kind of like Eric because he watched TV and yells at everyone.
In another clip Eric is asked if he drinks or does drugs. Eric said that he does neither and he's told Howard that. Eric was calling one of the guys on Idol a geek and making fun of the guy. Howard said that this is a great accompaniment to American Idol.
Eric called in and said that it was good and he shouldn't bad mouth it. Howard said that it was fine. Artie told him that it sucked so bad that the suck meter went around in a 360 and it got back to good again. Eric asked him if 360 is his weight. That got a few laughs.
Howard asked Eric what kind of numbers he had watching him that night. Eric said that the first night they crashed Stickam and GoDaddy.com because they had so many. Howard asked Eric what name he went by that night and played some of the edited clips that they've played the past few days like Eric the...
Howard asked Eric who the girl was that was hosting with him. Eric said that her name was Gina so Artie kept asking him what her real name was over and over and said that her name was Meredith? Eric kept correcting him about that.
Howard told Eric that the big thing he has planned for him isn't what he thinks it is. Eric said that's interesting since he has an inside source, but whatever. Artie told Eric to keep doing that shitty show. Eric told Artie to do the same.
Howard asked Eric what he wants him to call him. He played more of the edited clips of Eric but Eric said that's not him. Howard gave Eric a plug for the web site that he broadcasts on. Eric said it's JFSC.tv.
Artie asked Eric how he prepares for that show and if he just does something that he sucks at for four hours ahead of time. He said he's never been so bored in his life. Eric told him he's never been that fat either.
Howard asked Eric who he thinks is going to win the Packers / Giants game. Eric said that since they're New York fans he'll go with the Giants. Eric was trying to say something but Artie told him to go suck on his own show to shut him up.
Ralph called in and said that Eric should go with ''Eric the Shithead'' because it has some flow. He also said that Eric needs to do some color commentary when he's doing that show of his. He needs to describe what's happening at the time on the show. Howard said that people could watch it on TV and see Idol themselves.
Howard told Eric that his show was pretty bad. Eric said that JFSC hopes to get some celebrity interviews soon. That made Artie laugh hysterically. He told Eric that he's a boob. Eric told Artie that he has man boobs. Artie said that he could get thinner, he'll never get taller.
The guys were coming up with some new names for Eric's web show. Artie threw out the name ''The Mind Numbingly Dull Hour'' but Ralph told him it was actually 2 hours. Howard said that Eric must be annoyed with Ralph calling in every time he's on. Eric said he should call in earlier so Ralph is still sleeping.
Howard let Eric go a short time later. He told him he was working on his surprise and hopes to have it for him next week. Artie said that he's actually jealous of Eric and that's why he called it the Mind Numbingly Dull Hour. He said that he had another one where he was going to say it was the Shove Needles in Your Ears Hour.
The caller said that Eric's show sounded like the first moon landing because the technology was so bad. Howard and the guys goofed around with that for a short time. They were talking about how bad the show was and how funny that Ralph thought that there were actually people not watching Idol while they watched Eric.
Howard played some more of the Mind Numbingly Dull Hour show. Eric and Gina were talking about a guy's eyebrows. Howard said it really did sound like the first moon landing. He got on his megaphone and did an impression of what it sounded like to him. They had some fun with that for a few minutes before Howard went to break.
Howard asked Penn if he's dying his hair. Penn said of course he does, he's 52 and very grey. Howard claims that he doesn't dye his at all but he would if he went grey. Penn also pointed out that Howard has had some surgery on his face.
Howard asked Penn how long he's been together with Teller. Penn said that they've been working together for 30 years now. He said they're booked out in Vegas through 2010 and he said he never thought that he'd live that long. He said that they have a lot of freedom and finances out in Vegas and that's why they're doing it there. He said they had a Broadway show at one time and they were told that they could do anything they wanted but they had investors there who were always worried if they should be doing certain things. Penn said that out in Vegas the people don't even know what they do. He said that their bosses out there just let them do anything they want and don't ask questions. He said that they just keep doing what they want out there and they're left alone as long as they keep bringing in the crowds.
Penn said that they have new stuff coming into the show over the next four months and they do that so that any repeat customers they have will see new stuff.
Howard asked Penn about this David Copperfield guy and the trouble he got into recently. Penn said that he used to talk to him but he hasn't really spoken to anyone since he got into trouble. Howard read that Penn was in a bitter rivalry with Copperfield for a while but Penn said that he was just joking around when he got upset with him for claiming he could get a woman pregnant on stage without touching her. He said he got a note from Copperfield after that and he really thought it was some kind of crackpot or something. He called Copperfield and asked him about it and it turns out that it was really him. He said that when Copperfield asked him to stop commenting about him out in public, he agreed to do it.
Howard read some stuff that Copperfield has said about them and it was actually kind of funny. He was calling Penn and Teller the Beavis and Butt-Head of magic. Penn didn't seem to mind that.
Howard asked Penn if Teller is still not speaking in public. Penn said that Teller has directed a production of Macbeth in Red Bank, New Jersey so that's why he's in there today. He just went to see the show himself.
,Howard asked Penn about their comedy shows and how he goes out and performs for the audience before the shows. He plays bass in a jazz band and that's what they do before the show. Penn said he plays bass with a great piano player.
Howard asked Penn if he ever saw David Copperfield raping a woman when they were out. Penn joked that he would invite them over all the time for that kind of thing. He said that Copperfield never tried to rape him though. He said that he's a tough person to give rufies to.
Artie said that he's heard Teller speak before. Howard said he doesn't think that he ever has. Artie said that Teller spoke about Houdini in a special he saw.
Howard asked Penn about going to clown college when he was younger and how that went. Penn said that he was a juggling clown and he had to get made up like a clown but he wasn't really good at that. Howard said he's never really seen a funny clown in his life.
Penn said that he learned about a lot of this clown stuff when he went to this school. He said that he was 18 at the time and had left home to get away from all of that stuff. He said that he found out that a clown can not make any money. He said that they actually learned in a class that they had to say the name of the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Greatest Show on Earth or they'd be fined. He said he always did that and now he names the hotel he works at by the full name as well.
Penn said that he had a friend who toured with the Ringling show for 3 years and there were women who wanted to have sex with clowns in their make up and they'd actually take the women out in the back field and stick their dicks through the wire fence and the women would suck them off while they stared at their clown faces. He said he never had that happen to him because he never toured with the circus like that.
Howard asked Penn if he loves Teller like a brother at this point. Penn said that they have nothing to talk about but he does love him like a brother. He said they've gone through everything together so they have no stories to tell. Howard asked Penn who he would let die if he was stuck on a boat with Teller and his wife and it was sinking. Penn said that he would have to let Teller die. He said that he just doesn't think he could let his wife die.
Penn said that his mother once told him that he was getting too old and too picky before she died. He said that he eventually did find a woman who was just what he was looking for. He said that he was looking for an Atheist, libertarian just like he wanted.
Penn's wife was there but he said that she'd probably be afraid to come in the studio. Howard said he'd love to meet her. He asked Penn if she's the kind of woman he has to do everything with. Penn said that they do have kids so they do a lot of stuff together. Howard said that he's got some strange names for the kids. The daughter's name is Moxie Crimefighter Jillette. He said his wife didn't want to give a middle name so a friend suggested that they just give her something that means nothing. He said that's how they came up with the Crimefighter. He figured that it might get her out of a ticket some day when she's 17 years old. He said that it's already worked and his wife got out of a ticket when they told the cops what their daughter's name was.
Penn said that his son's name is Zolten which is actually his wife's maiden name. He said that the kid is a year and a half old and he's already the size of Robin. Howard asked him if he wants a weird kid. Penn said that he would like that and he can't imagine naming his kid Dave where he'd have the same name as 4 other kids in his class. He said that kids with nutty names are always happy with them.
Howard said that he remembered asking Frank Zappa what he should name his daughter. He said that Frank quickly said ''Moldrid'' and he thought the guy was out of his mind. He named his daughter Emily instead. He said that Emily recently asked him why he didn't name her Moldrid, she would have loved it. He said that she's 25 years old now.
Penn said that a guy like Bob naming his kid something wacky is different than someone like Penn naming their kid Moxie.
Howard gave Penn some plugs for his web site PennAndTeller.com and some other stuff they're doing. Then he asked him about the radio show he had on K-Rock after he left the station. Penn said he was doing the show from his house on the West coast so it was tough. He said that they were trying to find someone to replace Howard and there was just no way that was going to happen. He said that everything aligned perfectly for Howard back when he was working there and that just doesn't happen again.
Penn said that the whole FreeFM thing fell apart and they let him go earlier than he was supposed to leave. He said that it was very interesting to learn to be yourself for long periods of time on radio. Howard said that Penn was basically saying that even he couldn't replace himself on regular radio at this point.
Howard asked Penn about a co-worker that wanted to pay to have one of their listeners kill him. Penn said that it was like a hit man saying that but he never heard him say it. The guy, John London, was offering a few thousand dollars for the killing and a little more if it was made painful. Penn said that he didn't know this guy and only heard about what was going on. He said that the guy was pulling clips and blasting his show after it was over. He said that he just wanted it all to go away and he wasn't sure that he wanted to talk about it now. He did like that Howard was making it sound like this isn't the type of thing that he would do on the air. The guy crossed the line because there are nuts out there who would actually follow through with that kind of thing.
Howard asked Penn if they over paid him for the job over there like they did with David Lee Roth. Penn said that he didn't make a lot of money but he was only doing an hour long show. He said that he wasn't going to take phone calls in the beginning but then he started doing it and found out that he enjoyed talking to people.
Howard said that Penn went off on Mother Theresa on his show one day and he liked to hear that. Penn said that there's so much bullshit out there about her that he had to talk about it. He said that he got this information from this guy Christopher Hitchens who wrote a book about her. He explained some of the stuff that he found out about and how why he went off on her on the air.
Howard talked to Penn if he's become more normal now that he has kids. Penn said that he thinks he will become more normal in a few years as the kids get older. He asked Howard when kids get a vote on what you do in your life. Howard said that it comes very early. He said he came home with blue hair one day and the kids freaked out. He said he wanted some blue streaks but his whole head turned bright blue and the kids freaked out.
Howard asked Penn about this woman he married and how he found her. Penn said that she found him and said some magical words to him. He said that she had dinner with Richard Dawkins and Amazing Randy who told her she had to meet him. Penn said he hadn't met Dawkins yet but he was a fan of his. He said that it didn't take a long time to get Emily into bed. He said that their first kid was a test tube baby and they wanted to make things happen fast so they did it that way.
Howard said that Yucko the Clown was on the phone and asking where this fence is that guys are getting sucked off. Penn said that it was near a place that the Bailey's circus used to play often.
Robin asked Penn about this test tube baby thing and about the jerking off thing. He said that they had posters of hot chicks that he was supposed to jerk off to and it turned out that he had fights with all of the women in the posters. Every woman there he'd made cry or yelled at during his career. He said that they all disliked him so it was horrible to try and jerk off to all of that. He said he had to go home and jerk off and bring it back.
Howard asked Penn if he's going to tell his daughter that she was a test tube baby. He said of course he will and she'll get $35,000 less in her life than his son will because that's how much the test tube thing cost them. He said that their son cost them nothing.
Howard asked if Penn's wife would come in but Gary told him that she said no earlier. Penn asked her to come in if she wanted to. She came in a short time later and Howard said hello to her. Howard said that she has to thank Robin because she passed on Penn years ago. She did go out with him for a short time.
Howard asked Emily, or EZ as Penn calls her, if Penn is a good father. She said that he is and he'll probably want their kids to be less ''common'' than other kids. She said that they'll probably be a little different than other kids.
Howard asked EZ and Penn if they're going to try and keep the kids from learning about religion and stuff like that. Penn said that they're very young right now so he's not sure what's going to happen. He said that he'll still love his daughter no matter what she turns out to be so he doesn't really care either way.
Howard asked EZ how long it took for her to fall for Penn. She said that it was about a month. She held out for about 3 and a half weeks before she gave it up to him. Penn said that's only because she was in a different zip code. Howard asked her if the sex was good. She was saying that things were perfect at the time. Penn told her that she could leave now if she wanted. He told her what was going to happen next and said that he was going to ask her about anal and then ask her if she's had sex with a black guy and then Robin will ask about the kids to make her feel comfortable and then someone will come in and punch her in the cunt.
Howard asked EZ if Penn was the best she's ever had in bed. She said yes to that so Howard left it at that. He got back to Penn, who was very worked up during that rant about what his wife should expect. Penn was saying that he thinks that they're going to have fairly normal kids. He asked Howard if it was tough having kids grow up when you have a lot of money. Howard said that they do tell the kids that they can't just buy them everything they want. They tell them that they have to earn the money themselves.
Howard and Penn talked about their parenting and what that's going to be like. Penn said that he was 50 when his daughter was born so it's going to be a bit different for him. He said that he got sick of thinking about himself and that's why he wanted to have kids when he did.
Howard wrapped up with Penn and his wife and gave him some plugs for some videos that Penn does for Crackle.com. Penn told Howard that he'll be back in another 8 years since that seems to be the cycle he's on.
Howard was about to wrap up but Penn asked Howard about the old interviews he did with Tiny Tim. Howard told Penn that he was the greatest interview he ever did. Penn said that those interviews really were great. He talked about one time that Howard backed down to him when Tiny went off on him for using Jesus' name in a way he didn't like. Howard said that the guy was mentally ill so you have to back down at some point. Penn told him that the interviews really were great. Howard thanked Penn for that and said he makes him feel very good about himself.
Ralph called in and told Penn that he likes him a lot but he'd like to know who he supports for President. Penn said that Huckabee is a bass player and they've never had that. He said that it would probably go with Ron Paul if he could. He said that he loves some of the stuff he says but there are some things in his past that might come back to haunt him. Howard said that he likes what Paul has to say too. they wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard had Mike get to his Gossip Game a short time later. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve said that they got an e-mail from Jackie, or someone claiming to be Jackie, about how they should be all over Fred Norris about what his problem is with Jackie. He claims that he has no idea why Fred would be so upset with him. Fred said that Jackie is an idiot, that's basically it. He said that Jackie knows, he's just trying to get more publicity by bringing this up.
Howard asked Jon Hein what he has coming up. Jon said they'll talk about Penn Jillette's visit today. They'll also talk about Richard Christy's illness and lack of a shower and changing clothes. They'll go over those things and a lot of the other stuff they covered today.
Howard went to Mutt from Superfan Roundtable who said they'll be talking about the back office feuds. He said he likes hearing them himself but they'll find out if the other fans like them. Howard told Mutt he hadn't been on SternFanNetwork in a long time and he was pleasantly surprised that there wasn't much negative on there. Mutt said he was glad to hear that. He said that Eric the Midget is boycotting that site so they'll be talking about that and a bunch of other things. Superfan Roundtable is on at 7pm tonight on Howard 101.
Robin got into her news and talked about a new Trojan condom machine that they're going to be bringing to clubs in the city. It'll be a photo machine with a condom dispenser in it.
Robin also talked about OJ Simpson and his problems in court. She had Howard playing some clips of the judge going off on OJ so Howard and Fred were both doing their OJ impressions and goofing on the guy. That led to them doing impressions of Jackie the Joke Man doing his black guy impression too.
Robin read a story about how the abortion rate in the country dropping to a new low. She also read a story about how doctors are now saying that lowering cholesterol may not be as much of a benefit to people as they thought.
Robin read a story about the creator of the Wham-o company dying. The guys were talking about some of the cool toys that company had back in the day. Howard said that the toy industry is very difficult and it's hard to know what kids are going to like. He said that things don't last long either, they come and go very quickly. He said he admires anyone who can make a living in that business. That eventually got them talking about the Frisbee and what the original name was. Artie joked that it was the N-word chaser. He said he loved the show where Stuttering John brought up the N-word chaser thing when he was talking about fireworks one day on the show. The Frisbee was originally called the Pluto Platter before Wham-O bought the rights to it.
Robin brought up a story about how the company may be going into a recession. That led to Artie talking about how he doesn't have to worry too much about money but that means that he'll have more dead beat friends coming to him for money. He said that he had friends coming to him over Christmas asking him for money. They just flat out ask him for money. He said that he gives it to them as a loan but he never sees the money back. He said that he really should end it and not give them money.
Artie said that he has friends who will owe him money for years and then they'll tell him that they went on vacation somewhere like Miami. He said he gets violent when he hears that shit.
Robin got back to her news and finished up the recession story. She also read some stuff about Eddie Murphy and what's been going on with him and his quickie marriage that he just had. She read that he was fighting with the woman the day they were to marry so Howard wondered what they could possibly be fighting about. Artie said he knows what that's like, he can be with a chick and fight with her just hours after meeting her. He said that sometimes they just give him a look that he doesn't like and he gets pissed.
Robin read a story about a football player who had a woman making claims about him being a substance abuser and a physical abuser. She had another story about the woman that was dating Chris Booker, Howard's friend, who is putting her place on the market in Philadelphia after having a run in with the cops.
Robin read a story about how the Writer's Guild strike is still going on and how the producers may be settling soon. She read through some stories about some politicians and what they've been up to lately. She also played some clips from last night's American Idol. She had some other clips of a guy talking about the book he wrote about Tom Cruise and how he wasn't able to get an interview with him.
Robin had an update on Ike Turner who apparently died of a cocaine overdose. The autopsy came back with that news. Robin told Howard that the new movie ''Cloverfield'' movie is getting great reviews. Howard said he saw it and loved it. A bunch of the guys there saw it too and they all loved it. Howard said JJ Abrams was supposed to call in about it but he never did.
Robin had some clips for Howard to play but he said his tolerance wasn't very high today and wasn't playing more than a few seconds of them. Robin read a story about how poppy seeds can actually get you high. She said she had no idea that was possible. Artie said he knew that, of course, and told her how some people would use angel dust packages to brew the seeds in. She read a story about a family who lost their son to drinking the tea.
Howard told Bubba he saw the picture of his wife at the AVN awards. He said that she looks really good. Bubba said that he really needs to lose weight because he doesn't look right next to her. Artie said that she really is hot and he can't imagine what it's like to see those fun bags come out of the top. Howard thanked Bubba for calling in and let him go. Artie said he'll be calling into Bubba's show tomorrow at 3. Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Jon brought up Penn Jillette and asked Gary about him. Gary said that he and Penn have had their ups and downs over the years. He used to come on the show a lot more and he said that he really missed him being on. He said that came over him when he was talking to him in the green room. Gary said that they're going to have him cut some stuff for the History of Howard Stern because he was there a lot back in the old days at K-Rock.
Gary said that anyone who comes in has to sign a release and Penn's wife wasn't sure if she wanted to do that. She agreed to do it but said she really didn't want to be on the air. He said that she was very nice about it and he told her that she wouldn't end up on the air unless Penn brought her up, which he did. He said that he asked her a few more times and she eventually went in when Penn said it was okay.
Jon played a clip from Penn's interview where he went nuts telling his wife what was about to happen with the interview.
The guys talked about how accurate that description was when he was telling his wife about what was going to happen. Gary said that Robin does make people feel at ease and then Howard will ask about sleeping with black guys and stuff.
Artie said that Penn has been great on the show over the years and today was a great visit. He went on to talk about Dave Chappelle brought his wife and kid into the show one time and he met her back in the green room. He said that Howard said to Dave one time that he wanted his wife to come in. Gary came in and asked Dave if it was okay and he said ''Permission denied!'' Artie thought that was a really funny response to that.
Gary said that he didn't think that she was actually going to come into the studio. He wasn't even sure if she was going to be brought up during the interview. Jon said that it was a natural segue when Penn brought up the kids, their strange names and then his wife's nickname of EZ.
Artie said he went to see Penn and Teller because he had heard them on Howard's show. He did the same for Gilbert, Kinison and other comedians he's heard on the show over the years. He said that he hopes that the same thing is happening with younger people now.
Gary said that Penn and Teller had a show on Broadway and they used to call and ask them to let them come in. Gary said he was begged to go see the show and he went to see it and it was great. He said that Penn was out on the sidewalk and that's where he met him for the first time. He said that he convinced Howard to give them a try so that's how they booked Penn for the show for the first time.
Jon asked Benjy if he knew about Penn and Teller's midnight madness show. Benjy said he didn't know about it so Jon told a story about how they'd go out and do stuff at various movies and goof around with the audience. Artie said that he heard about that stuff.
Artie said that there's a TV movie called Long Gone out there with the guy from CSI, William Peterson, in it. He said that he thinks that Teller is in the movie and he talks in a Southern voice the whole time.
Gary said that he once got a phone call from Penn many years ago asking for Robin's number. He said that they played it on the air because it was kind of amusing that he was looking for her number in a romantic way. He said that Robin and Penn did go out a handful of times but they didn't really hit it off that well. Gary thinks that Penn was kind of upset because people would yell out ''Hey Howard, what's up?'' when they'd see him out with Robin.
The guys wondered if Robin banged Penn but they were all pretty sure that she never did. Gary said that she dated a few famous people years ago and she would only go out a few times and then break things off. He was pretty sure she never banged any of those guys.
Jon took a call from a guy who thought the Tiny Tim thing at the end of Penn's interview, was really interesting and touching. Artie didn't know what Penn was talking about but Gary remembered what that reference was and said that they used to play a bumper on K-Rock with that clip in it. Artie thinks that Penn may have thought that Howard was pulling back on something that he really wasn't pulling back on.
Jon took a call from Mark in Jersey who said that he usually finds Penn pompous and condescending and he must not hear things the way they do. He said he found him that way this morning doing all of the yelling he was doing. He said that he made it sound like he doesn't think that Howard could even replace himself on the radio today. Gary said that he got that rap from Penn this morning in the green room and he's not sure what he's talking about.
Artie said that Penn is very successful, especially for a magician, but he doesn't think that he's smarter than Howard. He said that he doesn't think he's arrogant that way at all. He said that the timing thing he's probably right about. He said that the first Saturday Night Live came around at just the right time and that's why it was so big in the start. He said that Penn was trying to say that anyone who follows Howard on regular radio is going to be bashed and hated. He thinks that Howard just happened to come around at the right time and that's why he did so well. He didn't take it at an insult at all.
Gary said that Penn was telling him that he thinks that if Howard had stayed at regular radio he wouldn't have gone up, there was no place left to go but down. Gary disagreed with that. He thought that they could have done well except for that censorship issue.
Artie said that people really appreciate that Howard still gets up this early in the morning and goes to work with them. He said people really appreciate the work he does. Gary said that it's weird for him when he meets people who tell him that they've been listening to them since 1983 because that's such a long time.
Artie said that he was 14 when he first started listening and it was the perfect time to start listening for him. He said that this show really shaped him for his career without question.
Gary said that he needs to know from David how this happens. He said he really has to talk to him about this because he has to know how you screw up and get a chick pregnant. Artie said that she's got to be in his top 3 for hot chicks and it has to be tough to turn down a chick if she'll let you go in without a condom. Artie said that there's no fuckin' way that David Spade wanted a kid.
The guys brought up the statement that they read where they claimed that Spade didn't have a condom on and he knew that this could happen. The guys said that it didn't even seem like something that Jillian would have said herself, like it was written by someone else.
The caller asked Gary to name his top 5 guests but before he did that he talked about Penn's rant during the show and asked if he thinks that was some kind of defense because he had let his wife come in there without too much badgering. The guys weren't sure about that.
Gary said he jotted down 5 names of the guests that he thought were the best. Kinison was the first one he mentioned. He also had Jan Michael Vincent on there as well. He talked about how great they were on the show. Then he said that Anna Nicole Smith was also on that list because she was such a train wreck. He said that she just about fell asleep a few times during her interview. He also said that Corbin Berensen was also a great one with the stories he used to tell. Gary said that Paul McCartney was also a great interview. The caller asked about Henry Hill. Gary said that if he had done the show just 5 times, maybe. he's done the show like 50 times though.
The caller said that Stevie Wonder was great too. He also said that Paul Anka was great too. Gary agreed with him on that.
Jon mentioned a burger place out on Long Island that he likes and that led to Artie giving him some advice. He told Jon that he might want to get an enema to get the red meat out of his ''gazoo.'' Gary said that Robin told a story one time about having one done and how she saw some of the food flowing out of it. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon played a clip from the show where Howard was talking about Richard's 3 day old clothing. After the clip was played the guys talked about how weird that is and how the germs just stay with you when you don't change. Gary said that taking a hot shower is such a great thing when you're sick but Richard doesn't seem to get that.
Jason talked about how gross that is that Richard is dirty and not changed like that. Gary said that he got a flu shot this year and he feels like he has a bullet proof vest on when he walks around there.
Benjy said that if you announce you're sick there, you get blamed for any cold that might go around the office for the next month. It's the worst place to announce something like that. Gary said that if you do come in sick you get yelled at but if you don't come in, then you're called lazy. He said it's a tough decision to make.
A caller said that letting Richard in there is disgusting. He said that he can't feel like a normal person not changing or taking a shower. Gary said he doesn't notice stuff like someone wearing the same clothes for 3 days. Jason said that he knows that he's not just changing into those clothes, he's sleeping in them so he's in them for 24 hours a day.
Jon asked if the guys think that Richard is backing out of the Sal's balls in his mouth thing. The guys all think that he is going to back out of the deal. Benjy thinks that Richard is going to back out but he did agree to do it the other day. He committed to it but now he's backing out.
Syrus called in and said he agrees with Jon Hein's views on Burger King. He also had some other thoughts of his own about the restaurant so the guys had him read them off to them. He had a problem with some of their commercials so Jason told him he has to be out of his mind to base where he eats based on a commercial. Syrus said that he doesn't like their food at all.
Syrus said that he finds it odd that Eric the Actor can't take being goofed on but he goes on that web cam and goofs on people himself. Gary said that he got some scathing messages from Eric on his voice mail and that has motivated him to try and get his ''girlfriend'' Kendra on the show.
A caller said that he's been listening to this guy Eric lately and he's not sure why he calls in to get butt fucked every day on the radio. Gary said that the guy needs attention, no one else is talking to him or about him. He said that Eric lives a sad life and it's better for him to have any attention paid to him than none. The caller said that it's hilarious but he doesn't know why the guy would want to get that every day.
Gary said that he liked the lifelong boycott of the show that lasted a full 4-6 weeks. He said that was his favorite thing. Benjy said that when he saw Eric smile on the web cam that made him happy to see that he's getting some enjoyment out of it. Gary said he thinks that's just an involuntary reaction, like when a baby farts and it smiles.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was in Eric's web cam room yesterday and got kicked out for saying something inappropriate. He said he thinks that he's just a little dictator and he belongs in Cuba with Castro to take over.
John took another call from a guy who thought that the Eric stuff was great and he loves hearing it. He threw out a few jokes for the guys that didn't go over so well. Jon took another call and the guy said that he loved seeing Eric on Howard TV when Howard asked him about dying his hair because Eric looks up at his hair.
Gary asked Benjy if he's upset about the way Ivy seems to be flaunting the guys she's dating, in his face. Benjy said that he would like a girl to be with him that wouldn't be with other guys while he could be with other women. He said that he's fine with her being with other guys. He said that he wants her to be happy and find another man if she wants to get married or something.
Ivy is still hanging out with Benjy so Gary asked her why she's always bashing him in her e-mails if she's still hanging out with him. Ivy told Gary that Benjy set up this meeting for her that she had yesterday but then he didn't go along with her to this thing. She said that Benjy is more worried about sleeping than going with her to this appointment she had.
Benjy said that the meeting was in Cherry Hill so he didn't want to go because it was too far away. Ivy said that the appointment is at 12 o'clock and she has someone else going with her. Jon said he was going to move this to the ''Who Gives a Shit Channel'' and almost hung up on her. Benjy had more to say but Gary told him that Ivy is always complaining about him and what he does.
The guys heard that Benjy got blue balls from Ivy the other day and she did it on purpose. Ivy said that she did do that to him on purpose and went off to a date with Chuck Zito instead of finishing him off after he had used his hands on her. Gary said that he thinks that if they gave this show to the Who Gives a Shit Channel, they'd pass on it.
Ivy asked Benjy about the Chuck Zito fight and why he'd agree to do it if he doesn't really want to do it. Benjy said that he doesn't remember saying that he could knock out Zito but Ivy said he did do that. She said that Benjy could collect the money if he loses or wins. Jon let her go a short time later and told her to take care. Sal added ''no really...''
Benjy said he's not talking shit about Chuck at all and he's not saying he could beat him up. The guys wanted to make that clear so Chuck wouldn't beat the shit out of him. Jon asked the guys what fight they would rather see, Chuck and Benjy, JD and High Pitch Mike or Jason and Scott DePace. Gary said he'd like to see the JD fight. They had to wrap up a short time later.
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Howard started off the show talking about an article in the paper about Buster Douglas beating up Mike Tyson. He's looking for a lot of money to do a rematch. Robin said he's making all of the right moves by delaying that rematch too. Howard said he read that things got kind of hairy back stage at a press conference where Don King was at. He explained all of that to Robin and talked about how street fights are just as entertaining there in the city and it turns into more of a free for all than in an organized fight.
Howard asked Jackie to turn down the lights in the studio. He said he was a little annoyed this morning. He went to the doctor to have something checked out to make sure he didn't have cancer. He said he was out of commission because he had stitches in his back so he had to take it easy for a while. He said that it was kind of gooey back there and not healing up very nicely. He said it's been bothering him for a while now and last night it started feeling like it was bleeding or something.
Howard said he heard that he's going to end up with a big purple welt back there like Gary got when he had a similar operation. He said that he really didn't want that thing back there and now he has to go to a plastic surgeon to get it fixed.
Howard said that he will be taking his shirt off and he is in show business so he doesn't want that purple thing back there. He said it's pretty disgusting and vile. He won't even call his doctor about it anymore because he's so furious with him. He said that his doctor never explained what he was going to be doing to him either. He was thinking about having it burned off but the guy ended up taking it off without his permission.
Howard said that this purple thing is annoying him and feeling weird. He said it felt like it was bleeding underneath the skin last night. He warned people to stay away from doctors and just go to bed and rest if you feel like crap. He said that you don't have to go to the doctor every year for a check up either. He said that it's not necessary. He said that if you're going to die, you're going to die.
Howard said when his father used to go to the doctor for his physicals, he'd come home almost paralyzed. He said that they used to give him a proctology exam and he'd come home feeling like crap. It would take him 3 weeks to recover from that. Now he doesn't have those done and he's in fine shape. Howard said that you know if something is wrong with you and that's when you should go to the doctor. He said that it's all a scam and you don't have to go to the doctor all the time.
Howard suggested that people go to a plastic surgeon for operations like he had to remove that thing from his back. He said that the cost of this operation was $800 and he found that kind of ridiculous as well. He said that they asked him what kind of insurance he had when he went in there and now he wishes that they'd give him his money back for having screwed up the operation.
Howard said he wouldn't mind paying good money for something if they didn't screw it up. He said he looks like he has AIDS or something. He said he's lucky enough not to have zits and he has good hair so that's about all he has going for him. Now he has this weird looking thing on his back. He said it's like having a friend back there. He has to dress with certain clothes so he doesn't irritate that new friend back there.
Howard said he was looking at Gary's belly scar and figured his wouldn't look that bad. Then he realized that he was going to have something that looked even worse. Gary came in and said that his scar actually gets worse depending on the weather. It can get heavier and bigger depending on what it's like outside. He said that it's right on the middle of his stomach too.
Howard said it's like he's got an $800 barometer on his back. Gary said that his scar is kind of bulbous today because it's humid out.
Robin said that she finds this very unusual that a doctor would do something like that without making it clear to him that he was going to operate. Howard agreed. He said that now he's going to have to go to another doctor and have him put him under to fix this mess. Robin wanted to take a look at it but Howard said he was too embarrassed. He asked Dr. Norris to take a look but got creeped out by him when Fred said he'd be happy to.
Howard talked about the article and about Liz for a few minutes. Howard went to the phone and spoke to Joe Walsh's people who were on their way in to visit. Howard said that Rick is like Joe Walsh's Tonto. Rick was saying that Joe is going to be doing a radio show there at K-Rock tonight. They spent a couple of minutes talking before Howard let him go.
Robin said she heard some stuff about Joe's show being really good but she's not sure who told her that. It turned out to be Stuttering John. John came in a short time later and said it was him. Howard kicked him out but then realized that he wanted to talk to him about an interview he had done last night. They sent him over to the Trump press conference last night and he actually got in. He said he's amazed when he actually can get into something like that.
John said that he yelled at Donald and asked him why he doesn't return Howard Stern's calls. Howard said he actually yelled it out in a funny way. He played the clip a short time later. John said that he actually got the peace sign from Donald when he asked him the question. Trump didn't answer the question though, he just got in his car and closed the door.
John also got an interview with Jill Rappaport. Howard played that clip and John told him that she's really into him. He thinks that Howard could get her if he wanted to. In the clip John was asking Jill about Howard and if she's a fan. She said that she is and Howard should know that.
Howard got pissed when he heard the tape recorder that John was using. He said that it cuts out in the middle of interviews. That led to him having Scott the Engineer come in so he could yell at him. He went off on Scott for not giving john a good one. Scott said that the good ones are back in the shop. Howard said that maybe they should have two good ones and not one good one and one bad one. He said he doesn't understand how there can be a ''bad one'' in the mix.
Howard told Scott to bring him the bad one so he could make it disappear. Scott came back in a short time later. Howard said that it can't be worth more than a couple hundred bucks. Howard asked Scott if he could keep a secret and showed him what he was going to do with it. He threw it right in the garbage. He said that the station will have to look for it and go out and buy a new one. He said this is insanity that John has to keep messing with the microphone and tape it up all the time. He said that John is stuttering, the tape is stuttering, everyone is stuttering. Howard said he had to calm down and take a break after that.
Howard said he figured out the tape recorder thing. The Spanish station gets the good one so they always have it. He's not sure why they get it when he doesn't. He said that he took a look at the one he threw in the garbage and it's all taped up.
Howard said he asked the guys how they knew that they needed to push in the microphone jack when they're recording. Scott said John has to watch the meters on the recorder and if they stop moving, they know that they have to push it back in.
John said that Scott didn't want to be anywhere near him when he was asking the questions at the press conference. He apparently didn't want to be embarrassed. Scott came back in and said that he was there the whole time with John. John said that he wasn't though and he went off to have a cigarette. Howard goofed on Scott a little bit about that and then got back to the interview.
Howard played some more clips of John's interview with Jill Rappaport. John was asking her about Howard and about how old she is and things like that. Then they started to blow John off and her people were pushing him away.
Howard said that they were very condescending when they were talking to John there. They were telling him that he should know what it's like. Gary came in around then and told Howard that Papa John was there so they had to get to that. Robin was afraid that they weren't going to be able to get that done in an hour.
Howard had Gary bring in Papa John Phillips since he was there. He told Stuttering John to move so he could make some room for him. He had to ask Gary to bring in his plugs too so he could read those when he needed to. He got back to the Stuttering John clips and finished up that stuff before getting to Papa John. Stuttering John was asking Jill more about Howard as she was telling him she really had to get going.
Howard said that Stuttering John also got an interview with Dr. Ruth so he played that interview next. Dr. Ruth talked to John about the Trump divorce a little bit. She didn't have a lot to say to him but she did get a few laughs out of the questions he was asking.
When John asked Dr. Ruth about Howard, she said she had nothing to say to him about Howard. Howard said he really doesn't need her anyway.
Howard asked Papa John about this movie that's out about the Mamas and the Pappas. John said that it's actually very good and he enjoyed it. Howard let Stuttering John go and said that he's on his way out to California today.
Howard said that John is living in New York now so he figured he could set him up on a date. He asked him about his daughters and how he'd like to hang out with Chyna. He said that would be cool since she's so hot.
Robin got into her news and read a story about Donald Trump and his relationship with Marla Maples. She read through that story and gave Howard all of the details.
Howard talked to Papa John a little bit during the news. He'd ask him a question here and there while Robin was reading her news. She spent quite a bit of time on the Donald Trump story. She read through a bunch of other stories before Howard wrapped up and said he had to take another break. He was about to go to break but played a song parody about Mayor Marion Barry since Robin had brought it up during the news. He went to break a short time later.
Howard showed John his front teeth and told him that they're laminates. He said that they don't do anything to your tooth, they just slap a piece of something over it to make it look nicer. He said that Fred had it done and he didn't even notice it until Fred told him about it. He got it done himself and now they look nice and no one knows that they're laminates. Howard said he was amazed that Papa John's teeth looked so nice since he was a heavy drug user for a long time.
Howard talked about how Papa john had written the song Kokomo and performed it there on the show one time. He said that he's got a lot of hit songs under his belt and today he was there to find a date. Howard said that he's made quite a few dollars in his time.
Howard said that Papa John has had a few hot chicks in his life. He and Robin pointed out who some of them were and talked to John about them. Howard said that he dated Ursula Andres and some others. He asked about Grace Slick but John said he never had her. Howard threw out a bunch of names but John was denying most of them.
Howard went to the phones and tried to find some women who wanted to date John. He found a 22 year old on the line and said he was just telling John that he needed a 22 year old. Howard asked John if he'd be interested in this girl. Howard asked her a few questions and found out she looks kind of like Goldie Hawn or Meg Ryan. Howard put her on hold after finding out some of that stuff. He told John that he'd owe him if he set her up with him.
Gary came back in and told Howard that the girl just told him that she can't date John, she's got a boyfriend who she loves. Howard picked up on her again and asked her why she would call in. She told him that she just wanted to talk to Howard and she didn't know she was going to get through. Howard asked her about her boyfriend and told her that Papa John is a multi-millionaire and she should be dating him instead of her boyfriend. He hung up on her a short time later.
Howard took another call from a woman who was looking to date John. She claimed that she was 32 years old and had never been married. Howard told her to take a really hard look at herself and ask herself if she really thinks that she looks good enough for this date. She said that she used to look like Jodie Foster and she thinks that she still looks like her. Howard asked her about her body and when she said it was mediocre, he hung right up on her.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he's a dick and then hung up. He found another woman who sounded lovely to him. She said that she's 42 years old so Howard didn't have high hopes for this one. She was married at one point but she's divorced now. Howard figured that she was a real mess if she's 42 and divorced. She said that she's in good shape though. She said she was a B-cup and that she looks like Audrey Hepburn. Howard said that means she looks like a skinny bird. John said that he'd like her to play. Howard put her on hold a short time later.
Howard found another woman on the phone. She was 31 years old. He asked her a few questions and found out she liked John and grew up listening to his music. She said that she might be willing to do anything for him. She said that she hasn't been with other women in her 31 years. He asked her if she's good looking and she said she was pretty sure. She wasn't sure who she looked like though. It sounded like she had someone coaching her on the phone so Howard hung up on her too. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard got back to the phones and tried to find more women to play dial-a-date. The next woman said that she doesn't think that John is God or anything like that after Howard asked her about that. He hung up on her and took another call. The next woman, a 28 year old, said that she likes John's music. She said she wasn't sure if she was going to sleep with him without getting to know him first. She said that the guys at work tell her that she looks like Tawny Kitaen. As soon as Howard heard that he told her she could play and put her on hold.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was listening to another radio station. Howard ended up hanging up on him. Howard found a 29 year old woman who wanted to play the game. He found out from her that she's had two guys at the same time before so he put her on hold and said she could play too.
Howard got back to the phones and found another woman who said she looks like Adrienne Barbeau. Howard said she's okay looking. Howard was having trouble hearing the woman so he complained about his phone system sucking. He asked her a few more questions and saved her to play the game too. Jackie thought that she wasn't going to look that good based on her description. He thought that she was going to look like a bowling ball.
Howard went to bachelorette number 1, Susan, and asked her some questions about her personal life and why she ended up getting divorced. She shared some of the details of what happened. She didn't want to say that he cheated on her but Howard figured that's what she was saying. He also asked her about what she does for a living. He asked her about her body and found out that she tries to stay in shape and she doesn't have any cellulite. He asked her if she's shaved down below or if her lap looks like Abe Lincoln or ZZ Top. She said that she loves ZZ Top. The woman lives in New Jersey so he figured she didn't make all that much money in the job she had. She said she does fine though. Howard asked Susan a bunch of sex questions and she gave him some details about that stuff. She said that she won't sleep with a man on a first date. He put her on hold a short time later. Howard told John that he wouldn't go near that one. He thinks she's trouble from the start.
At this point there was a break because of some problems with the tape. Sir Harden Thicke came on and said that they lost 4 minutes of that segment. He read some notes about that day's show and said that contestant number 2 was Nancy and gave some details about her. Then they got back to the tape that hadn't been destroyed.
Howard was talking to bachelorette number 3 when they got back to the tape. Howard was asking the woman about her looks and if she's very feminine even thought she's a body builder. She assured him that she was. He went through some other questions about her looks and asked her some questions about sex and things like that. She told some stories about the men she's dated and how she had been with another woman at one time. They went through that story and Howard told John that he's trying to get him some action here and asked him not to ask the questions. Number 3 told Howard about the lesbian experience she had and gave him the details on that.
Howard said that it was time for Papa John to make his decision. He said that they had another guest coming in so he told Gary to bring them in. It turns out to be Steven Tyler and Joe Perry from Aerosmith. Howard figured that Papa John would like to meet them. John said he would since he didn't know them.
Steven and Joe came in a few seconds later so Howard spent a short time talking to them. Howard said he didn't know that Joe was coming in with Steven this morning. He said that they're sounding better than ever these days. The guys were talking to John about the drug thing and said that they're doing things the same way he did them back in the day.
Howard said that John and Steven had their share of women in their lives. He told them about the women that John has had and compared them to the women that they had. He then told Steven and Joe about the women that John had to choose from. When he mentioned the 42 year old, Steven gave a sigh as if that was the worst thing ever. Howard picked up on that woman and she was telling the guys from Aerosmith that she loves their new album ''Pump'' and she loves ''Love in an Elevator.'' Howard said that she was a little pushy. He put her back on hold and said that he didn't like the second woman. He told the guys about her and then told them about the third woman, Carol, who was having sex with another girl when she was only 15.
Howard asked Joe and Steven what they'd pick if they had to. They hadn't heard the calls so they didn't know. John said that he was leaning toward number 1 or 2. Robin wondered about number 3. John said that he was thinking about her too but she was a little short for him. Howard tried to give him some advice about who to pick.
They got sidetracked and ended up talking to Steven and Joe about their drug problems in the past. They had to go to rehab to clean up and they said that they were lucky enough to have people who cared about them to help them out. Howard said that they were making him upset when he heard that stuff.
Howard got them back on track and asked John who he was going to pick. John said he was going to go with number 2. Howard got that woman back on the line and Gary told him that the other two will be getting a copy of a book as a prize for playing along. Howard said that they'd call this woman back after the date and ask her if she has sex with him. She said that she'd let them know. He wanted her to say something to John to let him know what she was going to do when she met him but she wasn't playing along. Howard told John that the date was probably going to be a disaster. He went to break a short time later.
Howard got back into the show a short time later and asked Joe and Steven about their song writing. Steven said that Joe can just sit down and play guitar and he can answer him with lyrics. It's like he's talking to him with the guitar.
Robin said that at one point in her life she was asked who she really wanted to talk to. She said that she wanted to meet these guys but she was afraid because they were so scary to her. She said that they had such an image that she was afraid of them. Howard said that if he was hanging out with them, he'd have no idea what to say to them.
Howard asked the guys what it's like to hang out with someone like Keith Richards. He figured that must be pretty wild. Steven said that they don't get to hang out with him as much as they used to. Steven said that now that he doesn't use, he doesn't really hang with Keith.
Howard told the guys that Sting was a big fan of theirs and invited them to hang out back stage at a show he was doing. They went to the show but didn't stick around back stage too long because he figured that Sting didn't really want them there. He said that even Robin wasn't able to talk to Sting and she can talk to just about everyone. He said Sting had him sign his name to his wall in the dressing room and that was kind of cool. He said that he had to put it at the top of the wall though.
Steven and Joe said that they were going to be on Saturday Night Live this week so that's why they were in town. they're going to do one of the Wayne's World skits on this week's show. They were also going to be performing some songs of course.
Steven said a couple of hello's to his friends that were listening this morning. He also told some limericks and cracked himself up. Howard asked the guys to play some stuff for them but they weren't sure if they could because it was so early.
Howard asked Fred if they had a guitar for them to play. Fred said it might be out of tune but they did have one. Howard ended up talking to the guys for a few more minutes before he got his drum machine set up. Then Steven started playing harmonica. Howard got on the drums and played along with the guys as they performed ''Hangman Jury'' in the studio.
Howard said that they were really great after they performed the song. He said he wished that he could play drums though. He told the guys that his piano teacher actually committed suicide after trying to teach him how to play. He wasn't kidding either.
Howard asked Steven and Joe what they do in their spare time when they're not working. Steven said that they've just been relaxing for a while since they got off tour. Howard said that they look like they're always in shape. That led to him talking about his own looks and how bad he thinks they are. He said that he has a big nose but it doesn't look like Stevens' big nose. That led to Steven singing a song about Howard getting a nose job. He made it up on the fly as Howard was playing some drums. He told the guys that they really do look good and it's like they keep getting better looking.
Howard asked the guys what they do to keep in shape. Steven said that he runs on the treadmill. Howard asked what they eat and Steven said that they eat poon tang so Howard had to ask them to watch it with that, he's been in trouble with the government lately.
The guys talked about eating banana and stuff like that. Howard ended up asking Steven to perform ''Angel'' for him. They broke into the song after a little coaxing. Howard had to ask Joe to play guitar after Steven had already started singing. They performed the song but Steven complained about his morning voice.
Howard said that it's no wonder that they're on top. He asked them how they came up with that song. Steven told Howard about how he went out and asked some other people to help him out with that one. He said that he found some good guys who helped him out.
Howard said he was getting the hi-sign from Gary to get them out of there but he wanted to talk to them about some other stuff. He found out that the hot chick in their music video for ''Love in an Elevator'' was Joe's wife. He told Howard that he picked her out of a modeling magazine and ended up meeting her and falling in love with her.
Howard wrapped up with the guys a short time later and told them how great he thinks they are. He said that he's looking forward to seeing them on Saturday Night Live with Tom Hanks. He also asked Robin if she wanted to show them her boobs before they left. She said that she was too afraid to even shake their hands.
Howard also wrapped up with Papa John. He said goodbye to him and ended the show a short time later, around 9:15am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard talked about the liver transplant and how he got it from a black woman. Robin wondered if his name got moved up the list because of who he was. John told her to stop that and didn't really answer. They spent a few minutes talking about his life and all of the people that came through and helped him out during this time. John said that it brought the family back together actually.
Howard had some fun goofing on John's black liver and how he'd think of him as an ''octoroon'' since he's 1/8th black now. He asked John if he's had sex since his operation. John said he has and he's been dating a bunch of people.
john said that he still drinks even though he has this new liver. He said that the doctors don't think that it's a good idea. He said that years ago they wouldn't even give a liver to an alcoholic but they've changed that. Howard said he thought that John was a goner after reading that he needed a liver. John said that he really didn't think he was going to make it. It took him like a year to convince him that he was going to live.
Howard was telling John that he'd like to have sex with his daughter Chyna. John was telling him about Bijou as well but she was only 13 years old.
Howard said that Papa John and his new liver are out performing and he's going to have him sing something today. He wanted to hear his new song. He said that John is going to be performing with a bunch of other people like Brian Wilson, Ronnie Spector and others. He said he might want to see that show himself. They're going to perform one song as a group.
Howard asked John about his stay in the hospital and how tough that must have been. John said that it was really tough for everyone who came to see him. He said he was fine because he was so stoned that he didn't care about anything. He said he has to stay on some immuno drugs for the rest of his life so he doesn't reject the liver.
Howard had John play some ''Monday, Monday'' for him and when they started playing he sang ''Liver, Liver'' instead. Howard told him that he's got to work on something like that about his liver. Howard asked John where he met his current girlfriend. John said that he met her at a grocery store. He said that she was in her 20s when he met her too. Howard told John that he was a dog when he heard that.
Howard asked John to play them a song and asked what he could play. He said that his daughter Mackenzie is making a come back this fall on TV and talked about her for a short time. He said that he wrote a song about her so that's what he was going to perform. He then went into the song ''Fairy Tale Girl.''
Howard told him that song was better than Kokomo and it probably won't be a hit. He said he'll never understand that. Robin said that she was thinking about how Joe Walsh once said that he's just a genius in this one small area and she was thinking about John in that way while he was performing the song. Howard thanked him for playing the song and sharing his story about his liver.
Howard gave John some plugs for his gig and started to wrap up with him. Robin wanted to know what else he's up to so he told them about some of the other things he's been up to. They wrapped up a short time later. Master Tape Theatre was over by about 9:45am.