Howard started off the show saying that he was just listening to some audio clips of Bill O'Reilly talking about how he has golf balls for sale. He played the audio clip of Bill talking about some of the other products he sells too. Howard goofed on him about selling that stuff. He said he doesn't dislike the guy but he should have some dignity and not sell every single thing he can. He said that the guy makes enough money, he doesn't have to sell golf balls.
Howard talked about the O'Reilly stuff and then talked about how this guy Craig Ferguson who has his own talk show. He's not sure who is listening to his show because you can't understand a word he says. He's not sure if he gets any ratings and he can't ask Vinnie Favale because Vinnie would have to spin it in his own way. Howard played a clip from his show where he's talking to Dr. Phil. Craig was goofing on Dr. Phil about racing a motorcycle saying that he can't race one, because the motorcycle will win every time. He repeated the joke twice to make sure people got it. Howard said it just wasn't funny though.
Howard goofed on Craig for a short time and said he sounds like that Lucky Charms guy. He did an impression of him talking about the marshmallow charms in the cereal. He got back to the Dr. Phil clip where he was talking about his knee surgery that he had on the day of the Virginia Tech shootings. Howard said you have to hear how desperate the guy is to be on TV. He was off the operating table and in front of the camera within an hour and a half. Howard and the guys talked about how crazy that sounds, he has to be on TV to talk about a tragedy even though he had surgery that day.
Howard interrupted the clip and said that CD Radio was the original name of SIRIUS. He continued to play the clip where he talked about the cost of getting the company started and how it was going to be about $500 million. He and Robin talked about how many jobs it was going to create and how it might work.
Howard said that was 10 years ago when they were just learning about the birth of satellite radio. Gary asked if they predicted who would win this year's World Series too. Howard said it looks like it won't be the Yankees. Artie said it's early! That led to them talking about the Yankees win last night and their loss to the Mets on Saturday. They talked about this new kid on the team who looks like a child with zits on his face and all. Artie said that they've had a lot of injuries to their pitching staff so that hasn't helped them out.
Gary said that the Mets are doing great this season while the Yankees are just sucking. Artie said that Willie Randolph, an ex-Yankee, had to go in to straighten them out.
Howard said he was reading Bill Maher's new book and thought it was pretty good. He said he says he thinks that it was Bill who was saying that guys like baseball so much because it makes them remember their lives as kids. Artie said that's true but he and Gary didn't think that it was Maher who wrote that. They don't think that he's into sports like that. Howard wasn't sure but said that someone said it.
Howard said that if you were hot in the Valiant, you could turn on air conditioning. If you were cold, you could turn on the heat. He was getting to his point that in his limo, he can't control the temperature. He said that this maniac Ronnie the Limo Driver will never buy another limo for him. He said he was out Saturday night after going to dinner. He said that it had rained and the temperature had dropped. Beth asked him to turn on the heat so he went to do that and nothing came out. He said that cold air came out so he waited for it to warm up a little bit.
Howard said he asked his driver why he was freezing back there. He said the driver told him that Ronnie has a converter in there that has to be switched from heat to cold and it was on cold for the summer. Ronnie came in and said that he didn't build the car and this isn't the first time he's had to deal with that. Howard told Ronnie that Donald Trump has a car that Beth rode in for an interview, and he had heat.
Howard said he's going to call Donald Trump or even Dominic Barbara to find out where they get their cars built. He said he's never going to let Ronnie build a car for him to ride in again. Ronnie said that the company fucked him over and he can't do anything about it at this point. Howard asked him why he doesn't take it to get it fixed.
Howard asked Ronnie how long it took him to get his tattoo picked out and put on his arm. He said it was about 2 hours total so Howard asked him if he could take the time to get that heat problem fixed. Howard pointed out that his 1970 Valiant had heat and air conditioning at the same time.
Ronnie told Howard that the limo company went back to this technology that they used years ago where they have two separate units in the vehicle. He said the back and the front are different. He was going to explain why they had it the way it was but Howard said he wants Ronnie to tell the limo company that he's going to mention the company name on the air every day and tell people to never buy cars from them if they don't fix this.
Howard had Ralph on the phone to pile on top of him about all of that. Ralph said it's been like this from day one and they've had problems with the air and heat since then. He said that he hates to pile on top but told Ronnie that Howard shouldn't have to know about that kind of bullshit. Howard said he wants a 1970 stretch Valiant, at least that would have heat. Ronnie told Benjy to keep writing over there when he heard that joke.
Howard told Ronnie he must think he's a shit head for putting up with that. He said his parents were in the back of that car freezing the other night and he can't deal with that. Ralph asked Ronnie when he decided to switch over the heat to the air. Ronnie said he did it when the temperature started to get up around 75-80 degrees. Howard told him to maybe switch the steering wheel to the back so he can drive from the back and the passengers can sit in the front where there's heat.
Howard said it's really embarrassing to be in a limo with his girlfriend and parents and have the driver telling him that he's supposed to remember that they don't have heat because there's some valve that has to be switched. Ronnie had told Howard that there's a valve he has to turn under the hood to stop the anti-freeze from going to the back of the vehicle to get it heat. Howard said he's been in a bunch of limos and they've all had heat and air conditioning at the same time.
Ralph asked why the driver didn't switch the petcock to get the heat. Howard told him that it was only a 15 minute drive so he didn't want to get out to do that. Howard went on to ask Ronnie how many hours he was over at Scores over the weekend. Ronnie said it was probably 4 hours or so. Howard told him that he's not to go over there anymore until he gets this car fixed. He told Ronnie that he should get his money back for the car if they won't fix it. Howard said Ronnie must have wanted to get some ''Petcunt'' instead of fixing that petcock thing in the limo.
Ralph was going off on Ronnie a little bit so Ronnie was yelling at him saying he didn't need to hear his shit. Howard said that he's the only one who uses that car so it's like a ''big fuck you to Howard'' when he won't get it fixed. Artie asked Ronnie if the car builder looks at it as a problem. Ronnie said that he does see a problem and the petcock was a solution to the problem. He said they want to give him a whole new car now but he doesn't want their cars.
Doug Goodstein came in and said they found a 1985 Cadillac on eBay.com for 400 bucks and it had heat so maybe Ronnie could get that. Howard continued to go off on Ronnie about the car and Doug was goofing on Ronnie with the $400 limo thing.
Howard said that any other person wouldn't put up with this shit. He said that no one would hire him if he refused to get something like that fixed. He said he's not going to let Ronnie pick out the limo anymore. He told Ronnie to get a bumper sticker that says ''Sucker On Board'' and stick it on the back of that limo. He said he's really embarrassed by the whole thing. He asked Ronnie if he cares about that stuff or not. Ronnie said he tried everything he could with that car. Howard said he didn't because he still has the car.
Ronnie claimed that no one told him that there was a problem over the weekend. Howard said they've been through it before so he should have fixed it then. He said that he's going to do some research and find a real company to build him a limo. Ronnie said that maybe he should put Howard on the phone with the limo guy so he can talk to him since he can't seem to get it through to the guy. Howard said he doesn't want to do Ronnie's job. He told him to take care of it himself.
Howard said that he gave Ronnie some money toward the new limo because of the other limo disaster they had with the giant truck limo. He said that Ronnie should demand his money back for the car because it's defective. Howard had a caller on the line who said that would be like buying a new plasma TV that only works in black and white and keeping it. Howard said Ronnie should be able to get a loaner car from that company while they get him a new car or fix that car.
The caller Howard had on the phone said that Ronnie would be out if he didn't do his job for anyone else. Ronnie said maybe that's what Howard needs. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's got a horse and carriage with a blanket that they could send over for free if that's what he needs. Howard said if it's got a blanket, he'll take it. Howard said his rides aren't even that long usually so a carriage ride might work. He said he can't seem to get a break when it comes to that stuff. Another caller said he has a 1993 Ford Taurus that doesn't have heat or air conditioning in it. He said he only paid $400 for it though, not the $75,000 that Ronnie paid for the limo.
The guys were all goofing on Ronnie about that stuff until Howard took a call from a guy who gave Howard a big ''Wah! The heat in my LIMO doesn't work...'' Howard said that in all seriousness, it is a problem when you don't have heat in a car that costs $75,000.
The caller brought up last night's Soprano's show and how great it was. Howard said it really was a great episode and even Robin liked it. The guys talked about some of the scenes in the show that they liked. They tried not to give away too many of the details so they wouldn't spoil it for the people who hadn't seen it yet.
Dominic called in and said he sent over his limo to use on the show and wondered how they liked it. Howard didn't answer, he just asked Dominic if he has heat and air in the back of his limo at all times. Dominic said of course he does. He said he uses Picasso limos and they do a great job with his stuff. He's not sure how much it cost him though.
Howard asked Dominic if he could use his car when he takes Beth out. Dominic said he can't today because Jeff the Drunk is using it with Beth. Howard asked Dominic why he thinks Ronnie won't use that limo company. He said he's really not sure because he begged him to use them. He said that Ronnie could go there and they'd build him a spec limo if he wanted one. He said he's got a bed in his limo and a nice wide door to get in and out through. Howard said he's not looking for a bed, he's just looking for heat.
Howard said this is so embarrassing to him. He said he doesn't get Ronnie because this is his business and he should be able to get this stuff done. Ralph said that if he had a fleet of limos he'd probably have better luck with that. He's know what to get and where to go.
Artie said he can't believe that this guy is in business selling cars to people like that. Robin said she can't believe Ronnie would accept that they have to pull over and turn some petcock to get heat to the back. Howard said he should bust Ronnie's balls and have him pull over to switch the petcock every few minutes. He said Ronnie is really tough with everyone but this limo company. He said they've finally found someone who can take out Ronnie and it's this limo guy.
Howard and the guys kept bringing up the ''petcock'' and emphasized the ''cock'' part. Ralph thought it was great that the part in question was a petcock. He was also talking about how noisy the air conditioning was when it would start up in the limo. It was like a jet engine starting up. He was doing an impression of that making a buzzing noise. Robin said that the guy driving the limo is comfortable because he's got both heat and air. Robin said she'd be watching the weather-fucking-channel every day to let Ronnie know if he should turn the petcock to heat that day.
A phone caller told Howard that he just paid $2,000 for a 1993 car that had both heat and air. Ralph said that even he has heat and air in his car. Artie said they'd probably trying to figure out if they have to switch over that petcock today and hoping it doesn't get too hot out. Robin said that if anyone sees a limo pulled over on the side of the road, it's probably Howard just switching on the heat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows why they have this petcock in there. He said that it was to save money and Ronnie probably pocketed the money he saved. The caller said that they could put in an electronic petcock if they wanted to. Artie said that you'd think that they'd only try that crap once before they'd break down and install the correct thing in the car. He said that everyone has to turn on the heat at some point during the summer, it does get cool some mornings.
Howard said he's not sure what to do about this. Ralph said that everyone is making fun of it but it's a serious problem. Howard said he likes Ronnie and hates bringing this up on the air but this made his head explode. Dominic called back in and told Howard that his limo guy told him that they usually have an electronic petcock in the vehicle if it was made to accept it initially. He was saying that they could install something that Ronnie could control with his foot. He could barely get the joke out because he was laughing so hard.
Another caller told Howard that Ronnie never should have taken that car with something that doesn't work like that. Another caller said that Howard really needs to fired Ronnie after this. He's being the same as Ronnie by sticking with a guy who doesn't do the right thing. Howard said that he accepted the heat problem before but he's usually by himself in the car. When he has guests in there, that's when he gets upset. He said his fiancé was all dressed up the other night and then he tried to get the heat on and it didn't work so he was very embarrassed. He felt like he wasn't a provider when that happened.
Howard took some more phone calls about the limo thing and another guy gave him some more ''Wah's'' about his limo not working. He suggested that he kick Ronnie out the door but Howard wasn't going to do that. Howard and Ralph talked about how upset Ronnie was about the whole thing and how moody he's going to be after going through this. Ralph said that Ronnie has had two shots at getting the right car for Howard and neither one has worked out.
Gary told Howard that they have an audio clip of Ronnie coming out of the studio and going off on Richard even though he said nothing to him. Ronnie told him not to start with him and told him to stay the fuck away from him. Howard played that and got a laugh out of it. He took another call from a guy who said that he should just wear a sweater in his limo. That might fix the whole problem. Another guy said that the if he had a good limo driver, he'd switch that petcock in the morning and then switch it again in the evening. Howard said that they shouldn't even have the petcock. He said maybe they could put it in the back so he can control it himself.
Another caller said that he has 3 petcocks that he has to switch in his old truck and Ronnie could get that petcock moved inside the car and make it much simpler to switch over. Howard said the limo guy must have really ripped Ronnie off and just stuck it under the hood. He said that Dominic doesn't have a petcock that he has to switch but Robin said he does, he just doesn't have to worry about it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Ronnie had just attacked Greg on the camera out there. He said he's on fire and apparently hurt by all of this stuff. Ronnie said that they never know when to quit out there. He said he doesn't want the camera light in his face all the time. He doesn't need to be followed around like he was out there. Howard told him if he's going to work there, he has to put up with that stuff. He said that he should use all of this aggression with the limo guy instead of Greg the camera guy. Doug said that Greg was just doing his job out there.
Howard asked Ronnie if he heard all of the people calling in and telling him what was wrong with the petcock thing. Ronnie said that one problem is that the company doesn't build cars anymore and he doesn't have a place to bring it to anymore. He said they moved out of state and aren't building cars there in New York now.
Doug told Howard that they had Ronnie throwing a left hook at Greg on video. They quickly showed that and Doug said he was afraid to leave after that. A caller suggested that Howard sit in the front with the driver when it's cold out. He could have Beth sit on his lap or something and squeeze in with Ronnie in the front seat. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he looked up ''petcock'' on the web during the break and read the definition of it before moving on to Mary Jo Buttafuoco. She hadn't been on the show in about 10 years. Howard said she hasn't been on the show since the invention of satellite radio. He asked her how she was doing and then got right into the story about Joey and Amy Fisher making out. Their picture was in the paper over the weekend. Mary Jo said she had come to the city on business and found out about the picture when she went on Good Morning America. She said that the shooting had it's 15th anniversary on Saturday. The show she was going to do was supposed to be all about her, not about Joey and Amy.
Howard said that Mary Jo hooked up with this guy Stu who she's been with for a while now. She said that he's a graphic designer and artist and makes up posters for family events and things like that. She said she's been trying to lead a regular life with this fiancé of hers. She said they've been engaged for 3 years now and she's in no rush to get married. She said it's not that important to her anymore. She said that she dropped Buttafuoco name and went to Connery after divorcing Joey. She said that the company that she and her fiancé are running is called OriginalPartyPosters.com.
Mary Jo said that she's not sure why but Joey is having financial problems and that might be why he's doing this Amy Fisher thing. She thinks that he just blew through all of his money somehow.
Mary Jo was looking really good according to Howard. He said that her face wasn't drooping on one side anymore. She said that was thanks to a plastic surgeon to helped her out. Howard and Robin talked to her about that stuff and Howard even asked her if she's got heat and air conditioning in her car. He was just joking around after that other conversation.
Mary Jo said that a month ago she got a call from David Krieff about the Amy Fisher thing. He asked her if she wanted to recreate the crime for a special. She said that after she got up off the floor and figured she would do it for a million bucks. She said that then she saw that Amy and Joey were being traipsed all over the place. She never heard back from David. Howard asked her what's going on with the kids now that all of this stuff has gone down. She said that they are doing fine but Joey doesn't stay in constant contact with them. She said that Joey called their son and left a rambling message for him. He said he was going to have to do some things and he'd be in contact with them when he could.
Mary Jo said that Amy looked very happy in the pictures with Joey where they're kissing but then today in the paper there's a picture of Joey with his wife. She said that it has to be for publicity. Howard asked when it's enough and just get away from it all. Mary Jo said she had to do that about 7 years ago. She said her daughter hasn't spoken to him since before Christmas. She's still a virgin at 24 because she has men issues thanks to her father. She's never had a serious relationship but Mary Jo said that they've spoken about it and she's hoping that she'll open up and see that she has to move on.
Howard said he heard that Stu was there so he wanted to meet him. Stu came in and Mary Jo said that he's wonderful. He said that he used to be Joey's biggest advocate when he first met him but not anymore. He said it tears him apart when he sees what he's doing to these kids.
Mary Jo thanked Artie, and the other guys, for standing up for her kids when Joey and David were on the phone talking about this Amy Fisher stuff. She said she really appreciated that they did that for her and her kids.
Howard gave Mary Jo and Stu a plug for their web site OriginalPartyPosters.com and talked to them a little more about their life together. Stu made sure that Howard said that he was Mary Jo's fiancé. They also talked about the poster business and how that all works.
Mary Jo said that they flew in on Wednesday night and on Thursday morning she had reporters shoving all of that Joey and Amy crap in her face. Howard asked Mary Jo if Joey ruined her life. She thought about it and said that he changed it for sure. She wouldn't say that he ruined it. She said she's angry at him for what he's doing to the kids. She said that Joey could sell ice to the Eskimos and he's able to bullshit people so well. She said he reminds her of the guys on that show with Chris Hanson who say they're not going to have sex with an underage kid, she can imagine him talking about how he was just going to go there to go out and have ice cream and stuff like that.
Mary Jo said she bought into all of Joey's stuff over the years. She said that it took her years go get through things after getting shot in the face. She was addicted to the pain killers she was taking and it was rough. She felt she couldn't just leave Joey during all of that. Howard asked Stu if he was dating any underage girls. Stu said he's not doing that at all. He said he's just a decent guy who works from day to day.
Artie asked Mary Jo if he could talk about who they were hanging out with on Friday night. Mary Jo said that he could talk about it and it turns out that it was Joey's brother they were hanging out with. Mary Jo said Joey's whole family is mad at him for what he's been doing. He will continue to do whatever he wants to do though so they can't even talk to him about it. He doesn't stay in contact with them, the same way he won't stay in contact with his own kids.
Mary Jo said that this woman Amy Fisher was trying to murder her when she shot her and now Joey is out on a date with her and kissing her. Howard wondered why Joey is doing all of this stuff and what kind of stuff they're talking about when they go out to dinner. Mary Jo said they probably talk about their jail experiences. Howard said he's very shocked by all of this stuff. Stu wondered what will be next. Mary Jo said that it'll probably be a porn movie with her. She said she's bracing herself for that now.
Mary Jo wondered why David Krieff is doing all of this stuff with Amy Fisher. The guys said that they thought Amy was trying to change her life by changing her name and going into hiding with her family and kids. Now she's out in public being Amy Fisher again. Mary Jo said that she was having a great life and moving past all of that stuff until all of this came out.
Dominic Barbara called in and reminded everyone that Mary Jo is responsible for getting Amy out of jail because she had forgiven her and told the judge that. Mary Jo and Dominic said that they never would have thought that something like this would have happened after all of that.
Howard let Dominic go and then mentioned that he threw a surprise anniversary party for his parents on Thursday night. He said they've been married for 60 years. He said they had posters there for the party and he didn't know how to get that done but now he knows that Stu and Mary Jo are doing them. He gave them a plug for their web site again and spent a little more time talking to Mary Jo about how forgiving she seems to be. She said she has to be that way to get past everything that went on. Howard then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said he loves guys arguing on the radio. Artie talked about that Ozzy guy and how he brought the White Sox to the World Series in 2005 even though he has an accent where you can barely understand what he's saying.
Howard said he was watching 60 Minutes last night and he was blown away by this $100 computer that was created for kids to use and they said the battery can last 10-20 hours while his computer barely lasts a couple of hours. He said that his computer cost him like five grand. He wondered how that can be. Artie said it looked like a toy when he saw it on that show.
Howard played the interview where Jack seems to know about him. Garver asked Jack if he was satisfied with his career. Jack said that he would like to be known for his smile and then Garver said he was getting nervous asking those questions. He asked Jack about Paris Hilton getting so much notoriety. Jack was breathing heavy and talking strangely so Howard said that it was all pretty bizarre. Garver asked Jack to describe Howard Stern in one word and he described his hair and how he seems to be a little nervous. That was about it for the questioning. Garver didn't get much more than 3 word answers out of the guy, but he did answer all of the questions.
Howard also had a clip of Hillary Clinton giving a commencement speech at a college over the weekend. She lost her voice and sounded very similar to her husband as she was speaking. She was coughing and trying to clear her throat while giving the speech. Howard said that she was basically giving a campaign speech and that didn't seem right for a college commencement speech.
Howard said he was inspired to do a speech after Oprah did a speech. He said he'd have to play that tape if he was ever asked to do a commencement speech. Robin told a story about Matthew Fox being invited to a college to do a speech but one of the students didn't even know who he was so a whole protest broke out over it.
Robin said she freezes up in front of the camera when people ask her to talk at weddings and things like that. Howard said that when he gets up and makes a speech he feels like he's being pushed into it. He said he doesn't like making speeches like that.
Artie thinks that Howard would be great at roasting him when they finally do a roast for him. Howard said he's never written jokes like that though so he won't be good at it. Robin said that Howard has done some funny things like the party they had for their agent Don Buchwald. He got up and told a funny story about him and goofed on him a little bit.
Howard said his mother once told him that he didn't make a good speech at his niece's Bat Mitzvah and his mother told him it wasn't all that good. He said that she should have had her parents make the speech instead then. Robin said that the worst is making speeches at a funeral. Howard said he's freaked out by that and he's actually rehearsed his speeches for his parent's before. He said he thinks he's going to fall flat when he has to get up there and do it at their funerals.
Howard said he knows everyone will expect him to be this great orator but he can only do it on the radio. He can't do public speaking, he can only do that stuff on radio. Artie told Howard it's not about him so he shouldn't worry about it. Howard said he can't grasp that concept of it not being about him.
Gary said he's done it twice for people in his family. He said that he actually screwed up and blew it with the speech at his brother's funeral. He said that he and his brother decided that he wasn't going to do it until the last second when his brother told him he had to do it. Gary said that he got the pity talk after making the speech because he knew he had blown it.
Bill got in a plug for his web site HamHandsBill.com and talked about that for a few seconds. Howard said that Bill wrote this bit back in 1996 and won a jet ski in the contest they had going on at the time. Bill said he remembers everyone's scores in the contest and how Fred and Jackie both gave him 10s and Howard giving him a 9 and Robin giving him an 8. Howard told him the reason he won is because he was direct and got right down to it. Robin said that he didn't do anything right in the parody, that's why it came out so well.
Howard said that the funny thing was when he said the phrase ''ham hands'' but it came out as 'am 'ands. Bill is able to say it now but he said that when he's doing the voice of Robin's father, it comes out like that. He talked to Bill about that stuff and how great he did with the bit. He then asked Bill if he's got any kids. Bill said he has a daughter but the girl doesn't know who her father is. He said he found out about 2 years after the kid was born. Bill said the woman he was with was with some other guy when she was pregnant so the kid grew up knowing him as Uncle Bill. He said he hopes she knows some day. She's 19 or 20 years old now and she had a baby so now he's a grandfather. Howard told her to tell her who he is in a song parody. He said that when the other guy died, she stopped taking his money and took the other guy's money. He still sends his daughter gifts.
Howard checked out Bill's web site and then asked him to perform his song parody. Robin asked him if everything works on him other than his left side. He said he can still get it up. He spent a minute on that and then performed his song parody. He starts out just talking as if he's Robin's dad. He talks about molesting her and when she started doing that Artie started laughing his ass off.
Bill left out some of the content so he added it in after he finished. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy suggested that they give him a radio show to do at 7 o'clock in the evening. Everyone loves his voice. Howard said it would be great if he just broke into that song every few minutes if he was bombing. Howard said it would have been a slam dunk if Robin had sat on his lap during the bit. Bill showed him some of the stuff his chair could do and said they can cost upwards of $5,000. He said there are some that cost $20,000 because they can actually stand you up. There's another one that can actually climb stairs.
Howard took a call from Irish John who said this guy is a genius and wondered if he's done any other bits. Bill said he did one thing for them but he never sent it in. He figured that they wouldn't have listened to it at the time so he just didn't bother. Howard said they would have listened to anything he sent in.
Howard wanted to give Bill some money so he gave him a game to play. He said the money is courtesy of the DVD release of Porky's. He had Gary bring in the laugh game to play. He played the first one and the guys tried guessing who it was. Artie thought it was Sal. Bill said it sounded like the ex mob guy Henry Hill. Gary said it was actually Imus. No one got it.
Howard wanted to switch games because he didn't like the laugh game. He had The Beetlejuice game instead. Gary had to run out and get that from his office. Howard told him that he had to get 3 of 6 right to win the $500. He played the first question where they asked Beetlejuice ''What country do Chinese people come from?'' They gave Bill 3 choices for what his answer would actually be. Bill guessed it would be new Jersey. The correct answer was actually ''Chinatown'' with some curses thrown in there by Beetlejuice.
Howard played the next question ''Poultry comes from what kind of animal?'' His choices were chicken, pig or dog. Bill guessed that it was dog but he didn't even know what the correct answer was himself. Beet's answer was actually ''It's a fuckin pig!''
Howard played the next one which was ''What ethnic race is Howard Stern?'' Howard said the answers could be Italian, Jewish or ''he's on the radio.'' Howard first said that Sal is an idiot for asking that question ''ethnic race.'' Beet's answer was ''He's a fuckin Jewish motherfucker, what else?'' so Bill got it right after guessing right. Howard played the next question which was ''How many quarters equal one dollar?'' His choices were 4 dollars, 50 quarters or 4 quarters. Bill went with 50 quarters and got it right. The next one was ''How many inches equal a foot?'' The choices were 10 inches, 12 inches or ''your foot.'' Bill guessed that it was ''your foot'' but it was actually ''10 inches.'' The next question was ''What Disney character has the same name as a planet?'' His choices were Earth, Pluto or ''There ain't no planet in Disney.'' Bill went with there ain't not planet but it was actually ''Earth.'' Bill had lost the game but Howard gave him the $500 anyway. He wrapped up with Bill after that and went to break.
Howard tried to take a phone call but had some trouble getting the callers on the line. He got sidetracked when he brought up the food that Artie was eating. He asked people not to bring food in for Artie because someone had brought in a bag of potato chips for him. Artie said he just wanted him to sign the bag, he didn't eat them.
Howard said he came up with an idea for the show. He said that High Pitch Eric is getting thrown out of his apartment so he was thinking about coming up with a human zoo where they'd have people like Eric walking around naked for people. That led to Artie talking about how he gets nauseous just thinking about Eric. He said that he's so gross that he gets sick just thinking about him for more than 5 seconds. Howard asked him what would happen if they stuck a picture of him on his refrigerator. Artie said he probably wouldn't go to it.
Hanzi called in and said that he liked the roast but thought that they were roasting Robin too much. Howard said that the roast happened to be good and some people may have gone too long and maybe they had too many comedians. He hasn't seen it on Howard TV yet himself. He let Hanzi go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was sending out a song to Ronnie the Limo Driver for what went on earlier. He then played a Cars song for him with new lyrics about Ronnie. Howard hung up on him in the middle of the song saying that not all of them can be gems.
Howard thanked an author by the name of Mari Sangiovanni because she mentions the show in the book ''Greetings from Jamaica, Wish You Were Queer.'' He quickly mentioned that and then said that they got a press release from a porn company who says that they have an 18 year old who will lose her virginity on film. Her name is Katee Holmes and she's really hot according to Howard. He read the press release and
Howard asked Galadrial if she's freaking out about this Sybian ride thing. She said not really. She said she's been naked in front of guys before and she's orgied with guys too. She said that her parents know what they're doing and her mother is kind of into it. Her father just turned his head when he heard about it. Galadrial said that a bunch of people tried to talk her out of doing this but it was her decision and she's going to do it.
Howard said that Galadrial was going to take her clothes off and ride the Sybian. Howard asked Faust why his wife didn't come in to do it. He said that she's 9 months pregnant. Enough said. Howard said that he can't believe this is going on and wanted to yell at Faust about this. He said that he'd give him a plug and he really doesn't have to make his sister ride the Sybian. Faust said that he really needs money and he has to get in a plug so he asked his sister to help. Artie told him that they're not going to let her get naked... until he leaves the room. Howard said that this is his 18 year old sister who is still in high school! He said that he shouldn't be pimping this poor girl out.
Faust got in a plug for his web site, FMHerbalStore.com, and then Howard talked to Galadrial about when she first started having sex. She said it was just last year! She said that she had done a couple of things with guys before that but not all that much. She said that she wants to be an art teacher but Howard told her that she's probably going to be a stripper.
Galadrial said that she's been with 3 guys so far and she's still with one of them. The first time she did it she was really drunk and they just decided to do it. There were other people in the room with them at the time. She said that everyone probably knew what they were doing that night. Howard asked if the guy got to do it anymore after that. She said it was just the one time and it was painful. She told Howard about how she's orgied with people in her room at her parent's house.
Howard wanted to know more about the orgy. She thought that orgy meant getting off, she had no idea that it was like a gang bang. She said she hadn't really been naked in front of a lot of guys before. Faust said that made him feel better. Ralph called in and asked Howard to get her topless at least. He had her stand up and told her that she's hot but didn't ask her to get naked. Howard said he wasn't going to go there with this chick. He wanted to get her into a bikini, but that was as far as he was going to go. Howard said that she's in high school and he just can't do it.
Howard asked Galadrial to get into her bikini and kept talking about how hot she was. Galadrial said that she's been tanning a lot lately and that's why her skin is so dark. Howard told her she looked really good with the dark skin. He said she'll probably be cancerous in 5 years after tanning so much. Howard asked the guys in the studio if they wanted to see her naked. Fred gave him a no because she's too innocent. Benjy asked her if she wanted to get naked. She asked how much money they were going to give her. Benjy was giving her a yes to get naked. Artie went with him and said yes as well. Robin said that they have had other 18 year olds in there trying to get into Playboy so if she wants to do it, let her. Howard said that was a surprise. She said that if they want to do it, they should be allowed, but she doesn't think that they should be doing it for someone.
Jason came in and asked Howard if she could come back in a month and get naked after she graduates. Howard said he can't go there with this chick. Someone brought up Jillian Grace and how she had just graduated months before she came in and got naked for them. Will came in and told Howard to just get her naked. Gary said he agrees with Howard, she's still in high school, he doesn't think that she should be naked.
Galadrial said that she didn't really want to get naked, but she would get topless. Gary said that they've never had a girl in high school who wanted to get topless, so that was kind of freaking him out. Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that they should let her get in a thong and get in the Robospanker or something, not the Sybian. Howard said that he just can't do it. Isaac Mark from Howard TV said that he thought it was a little creepy and she should wait until after she graduates. Artie told her to just get naked. Fred said they have to wait until after she graduates.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that Howard must be getting old, if he was 20 years younger, she'd be naked already. Howard said the answer was that she's not getting topless. He's got a problem with a high school senior getting naked. Gary said some of the guys were saying she's old enough to vote and fight in Iraq, so she's old enough to get topless. Howard said he was going to bail on this and just say ''no'' to this. Gary asked if they can book her for a visit a month from now. Howard said yes to that.
Angry Black called in and said that this is the first time he's ever wanted to see an 18 year old naked. Howard said he can't do it, he's got to draw the line somewhere. He wanted to know where Tom Chiusano was when he needed him. He called Ronnie in instead. Ronnie said she just turned 18 three weeks ago. He said that she should be topless though. He said that her brother was stupid enough to bring her there, so why not.
Howard told Faust he's got to think before doing stuff like this. No matter how bad things get, he can't bring his little sister in to ride the Sybian. He gave Faust another plug for his web site and talked to him about the herbal stuff he's selling.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said that she's 18 and she should be on the Sybian. Artie said ''Thanks... RETARD'' but that didn't seem to phase Eric. Ralph told Howard to just let her get topless. Howard said he wanted to take the high road for once. Howard did check out her boobs in the bikini and asked her if they were shaped perfectly. She said they weren't but did say that the areolas are pretty big. She said that they're kind of dark from tanning too. She's fully shaved too. That led to the guys talking to her about cleaning her pussy but still not letting her get topless.
Howard wrapped up with Faust and Galadrial. He was going to let them go but Will asked to see some ass... Faust's ass. He was just kidding of course. Howard said that Galadrial barely knows how to use that equipment she's got. He asked her what positions she likes to do with her boyfriends. She said she likes it from behind but not in the butt. Then Howard asked her if she'd do a 53 year old. She said that he could be her grandpa. The whole studio let out an ''OHHHHH!'' when they heard that. Howard said he was having some kind of pang of conscience today and he just couldn't let her get topless. Will told her that if she was a party girl, she'd just rip her top off without being asked. Howard gave Faust another plug for his web site and went to break after that.
Another caller said that the show just jumped the shark today. He said that this whole thing came about because this guy wrote a letter asking if he could control the Sybian if his sister was riding it. Howard said he wanted to see if the guy would go through with it. Obviously the guy would have if they had let it happen. Fred said the guy to ask about this is Artie. He's got a sister. Artie said he never would have written that letter though so he's not the same guy.
Artie said that this girl was 18 and if she wanted to get topless, they should have let her do it. Howard said he just wanted to yell at the guy, that's the reason he had him in.
Howard took a call from a guy who did his Jon Hein impression and goofed on him about the whole Galadrial thing. Howard took a few more calls from guys. Some of them were going off on him for not letting her get naked. At least one guy agreed with him about not letting it happen.
Jon Hein came in and gave a rundown of what they had coming up today on The Wrap Up Show. He said they'll talk about Mary Jo Buttafuoco's visit, Ham Hands Bill and a few other things today on that show. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard said that he thought that this new Amazon Unbox thing was going to be quick but the movie he tried to get took more than 4 hours to download. He said they say something about 15 minutes when you rent it but it took more than 4 hours. He ended up using his On Demand thing instead. He rented the same movie and it was right there but the movie sucked. He also said he rented this M. Night Shymalan movie ''Lady in the Water'' and that was awful too. He said he likes that guy but the movie was awful.
Artie said that his movie screened at Cannes. He said he didn't even know that was going on but a fan told him about it. He thought that was kind of cool but no one even told him it was going on.
Howard mentioned a story in the paper about a house he's renting out in the Hamptons this summer and they got it all wrong. They claimed he was renting it for a million bucks but that's just not true. He said it was a lot less than that.
Artie mentioned that he listened to some of Jackie's Joke Hunt (Tuesday's at 7 on Howard 101) this weekend and he thought it was really funny. He said he laughed out loud at some of the jokes. That led to Howard playing some clips from the show. Then Artie suggested that Jackie to a show where he does all jokes where he only does accents or impressions for every joke. Howard played more clips from Jackie's show and said he seems to be shot out of a cannon. He just goes on and on telling jokes and singing and telling more jokes non stop.
Robin got into her news and read through a couple of stories but then Howard was told they had Miss Howard TV for June there. He had her come in quickly to talk to her. Amber Lee was her name and she said she does some modeling. She claimed she had real DD-cup breasts but Howard found that hard to believe. She weighs 110 pounds and has DD breasts. Howard asked if they could see her in her bra. She refused so Artie said that this girl is perfect. He said she's Italian and German just like he is.
The guys brought down the bikini rack for her so they could get her into a bikini. She brought some lingerie with her so they didn't even need the bikini. Gary said that she had a 34-C lingerie thing so she claimed it was a test outfit she was given.
Double A called in and told Howard he drove this chick home one day and he's still trying to work on her so he told Artie to stay away from her. She said that she would hang out with Artie but she wouldn't date him. Howard showed her an old picture of Artie when he was thinner. She thought he was cute. Isaac came in to tell Howard exactly what Miss Howard TV is and told him about how she shows what they have coming up that month. He said they're looking for more women so you can e-mail them at firstname.lastname@example.org if you're interested.
Howard had Robin get back to her news while they waited for Amber to come back in to show off her lingerie. She came back in a short time later and Howard said she had an amazing body. Gary said she smelled really good too. He said that she was wearing the smaller top because it makes her boobs stick out even more. Howard had her come over to smell her and then sent her to Artie to take a whiff. Artie then threw out a $50,000 offer to have sex with him. She said she wouldn't do it. He quickly shot up to $100,000 but she turned it down.
Howard asked her if there was any chance that he could get a date with her if he broke up with Beth. She made it sound like it could happen if he was broken up. She said she tends to want things she can't have so that's why she'd want Howard. She said that he looked like he was 40, not knowing that he's 53. She said that 50 isn't that old to her.
Howard told Artie he's got to lose some weight. He said it wouldn't matter. The guys then asked her if she's dated any famous guys. She said she has and it was a basketball player. She didn't want to say who it was though. Artie said that if she's dating NBA guys, there's no way she'd go out with him. He tried to find out who she dated but she wasn't going to say. He then threw out an offer for $125,000 for her to sleep with him. Artie said she wouldn't even have to kiss him, she'd just have to let him fuck her. He said he'd even buy her lunch. Howard asked her if she would accept that offer. She said no so Artie figured that she thought it was a fake offer, but he was serious. He then threw out $200,000. He was going nuts for her and said he doesn't know how any man could be gay when there are women like that.
Amber said that she's trying to be an actress and she has done some small parts. Artie said she could be in ''Beer League 2.'' Howard read that she does some different dialects so he asked her to do some for them. She said she couldn't do them on the spot like that. She was also talking about how she does some modeling for Ujena bathing suits. Artie was still throwing out offers for her but she wasn't taking him up on them.
Amber said there's one guy there in New York that she wants but she can't have him because he's dating someone. She said that she really liked him and she can't have him. Artie wanted to know what the guy does but Amber just said ''I don't know...'' Artie said that she was clouding his head and it was kind of annoying. Howard let her go and checked out her ass as she was leaving. Jason said he had to take a picture of her before she left though. Howard told him to get some pictures of her up on the web site ASAP. He had Robin wrap up her news because it was getting so late.
Artie said he wasn't going to be able to joke about the news after that hot chick was in there. He said he won't be able to think straight until after he jerks off to her. He said he knew that would sound creepy but he had to say it. Robin got back to her news and wrapped up a short time later. They ended the show around 11:20am.
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Howard started off the show saying he was a little tired and cranky today. He said Beth had to go out to a charity event and he beat off right after Dancing with the Stars. He said he was thinking about girls when he did it since Robin had asked if it was men or women he was beating off to. Howard joked that he and Robin write all of that stuff before hand. He said the show really isn't gay because there's a really hot chick on the show that he beat off to. Fred said he didn't see it because he was watching the Yankee game. Howard said he thought he heard Fred say that he knew he was talking about. That wasn't the case though.
Howard said it took him 3 seconds to beat off last night. He was actually thinking about a chick he banged one time. Artie said that he tried to beat off to Miss Howard TV who was on the show yesterday but she was too hot for him, even in his dreams. He said she actually turned him down in his dream.
Howard said there was a funny story that Gary told him about Miss Howard TV yesterday. They had her there shooting her until after 3 o'clock getting her in ever position they could. Gary said he was watching on his monitor and at one point she was sprawled across the couch. He said they would focus in on her tits and pull out real quick and stuff like that. He said if you have a hot chick you can do just about anything you want with them. He said he knows that the guys kept her there just to look at her and they probably went home to whack off after that.
Howard said Artie was offering that chick over $100,000 to find out if she would fuck him. She turned him down though. Howard thinks that there are some women who would take him up on that offer but they're probably not on the air. Howard said one of the guys came up with an idea for a bit. They have Artie put up $100,000 and they ask women to come in and he gets to pick out a woman from a group of people. Howard said that they could say that it was to be his escort instead of just to fuck him. He said he'd probably give Artie a hand job for that kind of money.
Artie said that yesterday he was thinking about all of this stuff. He said that his deal with FOX is coming to an end and they owe him a few more payments for his development deal. He said there was a part he could have gotten but the job was given to a black guy. He said that there aren't many sitcoms being picked up these days. He said he got home yesterday and got a payment for $50,000 from FOX. He said he's going to start offering these chicks real money, he's not fooling around when he offers these chicks that kind of money. He really has it.
Howard said that they should do this seriously and not offer so much, just a mere 10,000 should do the trick. Artie said he's doing okay, he got laid over the weekend. He gets hypnotized when he sees these chicks that come in there though.
Howard asked the Howard TV guys to show some video of Miss Howard TV (Amber Lee) since they spent so much time with her yesterday. They showed a few seconds of her so Robin asked if that was it. The clip lasted about 15 seconds. Howard said that Artie should work up from something lower than $50,000 when he throws it out to these chicks. He told him to start out at $10,000. Artie said he's only done it about 4 times so far. He said he heard about a hot chick contest they're thinking about doing and Howard isn't going to be part of it. They're going to go out and just try to pick up the hottest chick out there. Howard said they're getting off track because no one knows what they're talking about. Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd fuck Artie for that kind of money. He said he'd do all kinds of things to Artie for that kind of money. Artie wasn't interested of course.
Howard said he couldn't believe the end of The Bachelor because the guy picked a chick who wasn't that hot and had a bad body. He said he figured that the other chick had been married and the guy was really religious so he must have freaked out about that. He said the hot chick looked kind of like Fred's wife and she was hot. He said he watched that 2 hour finale and didn't get to bed until about 3 in the morning.
Howard said they have a new TV show on ABC called ''Imposters'' and that looks kind of interesting. One of the guys does an impression of him from what he saw. He's not quite sure of that though.
Artie understood Mike's logic so he tried to explain it to Howard and Robin. Howard still didn't understand it. He had Mike explain how he got the tickets and what happened. Mike said he got the tickets, headed home and sat down to relax. Then he started to scratch off the tickets. He won $40 on the first ticket he scratched off. Then he scratched off the next ticket and realized he had won a million dollars. He said he called a few people that he had won but didn't go down to collect.
Howard said that what pisses him off is that he gets $50,000 a year for 20 years which isn't quite enough to quit his job. Howard said they don't give it out in one lump sum. Howard said he should have the full million. He asked Mike if he's happy that he didn't get it all in one lump. Mike said he is very happy doing the things he does and still working. He said he bought more tickets after that and won another $50.
Robin said there was another story similar to that and this waitress was trying to encourage her customer to buy the last ticket on this roll of tickets they were selling. She found $10 at the restaurant and bought the ticket herself, and actually won the million when she bought that last ticket.
Artie thinks that this guy has a Gambler inside of him and he could easily start spending more money on those lottery tickets. Howard told him that the odds of it happening again are almost zero so he should stop gambling. He said that he should say that he's not greedy and he should put that $100 a week he's spending on lottery tickets could be put away and invested. He told him not to go too crazy with that stuff. Artie told him what to do with the $30 grand he's clearing every year. He looked at the sports page and gave him some gambling advice. He said that the Braves are going to beat the Mets tonight, and that's a fact. He said he could put 30 grand on that game and double it no problem.
Howard congratulated Mike on his win and said that there must be some people that work with him who are jealous. Mike said that there is one guy there who hasn't congratulated him. He said that the one guy knows about the win, but he won't congratulate him. He said no one has asked him for money yet but most people know what kind of guy he is.
Artie gave Mike another sports fact. He said that the Blue Jays are going to win tonight and that's a ''fact'' according to Artie. He said that's what he should be spending all of that money on. Artie gave him another one for the Brewers vs. Dodgers game and told him that the Brewers were going to win. He said that it's a fact that they're going to win. That's all he needed.
Howard thought Mike worked for SIRIUS but it turns out he works for Icon which is in the same building. He said he works a few levels below ground so he has to go up just to get some air or to see if it's raining. King of All Blacks called in and told Howard that this guy could take his winnings to a lawyer and they could give him the full payout in one lump sum. They give him much less than it's worth if he does that though. Howard said that the long term payout is the best way to do it. He thanked King for his philosophy on all of that and let him go.
Robin said that there are a bunch of different games out there now and people buy all kinds of tickets. Howard said it's the end of our society because the people playing these games are people who really can't afford to buy those tickets. He said these people are taking money they should be using for food and spending it on that nonsense. He said it is a horror what people are doing with these lotteries. Robin said that some people scratch off their tickets right there in the store parking lot. At least Mike goes home, relaxes, and then scratches his off. Howard let Mike go and told him he'd give him an autographed photo.
Eric said that he believes that they will be able to get the refund on the flights and hotel rooms. Howard said that this has now affected one of his friends. He said it's one thing when he screws with them on this show, but when he screws with his friends, that's a different story. He asked Eric what he's supposed to think here.
Eric said that if they wanted to pay his roommate's severance pay, he'd be able to go. Eric said that up until Friday he was on disability. Then he got off of it and started work on Saturday so he didn't know that he wasn't going to be able to make it until after all of the other info was given to him. Eric said that there is not anyone else who could help him get there.
Robin asked Eric if his roommate knew ahead of time that he was going to the Idol final and he needed the time. Eric said yes but Howard cut him off. Gary came in and said that they're giving something to Eric that he's asked for for the past 5 years and he can't find anyone else to bring him? He said that so many other people do the show and find their way to get there no matter what. Fred said that Johnny Fratto could probably help him find someone. Howard said he's done with this. He was trying to help Eric out with this girl he likes but now he's going to drop that too.
Howard said he'd not sure why Eric even listens to the show. Eric said that they have a guest on the show once in a while that he wants to hear them interview. The guys thought that was a lame answer and goofed on him about that. A woman called in and said that she's not sure why he listens to the show either. Eric told her to go back to her corner and find a John bitch. Artie said he sounds like a 70's cop show when he says that. That led to Fred doing his impression of Eric and goofing on him for a few seconds.
Howard said he'd speak to Eric some other time but Robin told him to stop calling and stop listening to the show. Howard said that they were trying to line up this Brandy Talore chick for Eric but now he's not going to do it. He played some audio from her web site where she's getting screwed. He said he was going to line her up for Eric but Robin told him to just drop it.
Artie told Eric to just go hump his bed and take his PJ pants and shove them up his ass. He told him to stop listening to the show. Gary said that he was going to look into cancelling Eric's account because he thought they had given it to him for free. Eric said that wasn't the case, he pays for it himself.
Eric said that he heard that Howard read an email about someone who wanted to offer him a job but he didn't hear about that. He was kind of upset about them not telling him about that. He also said that Johnny Fratto said that they stole a bit from him too. He said that it was the petcock thing they were doing yesterday. He thought they stole that whole bit from him. Howard said the part is in Ronnie's car, that's a ridiculous argument.
Ralph called in and said he'd fly out to take Eric to the Idol finale. The guys thought that he just wanted a free flight out to California. Ralph said that was the case. He also laughed about the petcock bit they were talking about. Ralph asked Eric how he could fuck this up, this was his dream. He told him that he'd probably be in the front row if he went because he's in a wheelchair. Ralph said he wouldn't be able to help Eric wipe his ass and stuff if he took Eric. Eric said that he wipes his own ass and called Howard a ''Big Nosed Jackass.''
Howard and the guys were asking Eric about how much help he needs to get on the toilet and things like that. Eric said he doesn't always need help getting on, he can sometimes just stand there and go himself. Howard told him that maybe he could pole vault on. Ralph said he could help hold him up to the toilet and stuff. As long as he doesn't have to wipe him, he'd be fine. Artie thought they should just stick a diaper on him and let him go in that. That led to Artie talking about how he should do that himself and go to a Jets game dressed in a diaper sometime and just shit in it.
Artie told Eric that he's like a little Midget Hitler the way he acts on this show. Ralph called him Eric the Asshole during that discussion. Ralph thinks that it's just that he doesn't want to do the balloon thing. He asked Eric how he can't find anyone out there willing to take him to this Idol thing. Robin said he's got all of those Myspace friends and he can't find anyone? Bobo called in and said that they always count on this guy to do something and he never comes through with it. He said that they offered him the date with Tabitha and he turned that down.
Gary came in and asked if they were going to cancel this Brandy Taylor (Correct my spelling Eric, please) chick. Howard said they were going to hook her up with Eric but now he's probably blown it. Robin told Howard that she wishes that they'd stop taking his call. Gary asked if it's legal to cut off his subscription. Howard said he's pretty sure they can't do that. Bobo suggested that they just send someone to his apartment to cut his wires.
Another caller said that he'd pay just to get into the studio and this guy gets offered all of this free stuff and doesn't follow up on it. Howard said he told Jimmy Kimmel that he knew that Eric would never come through and go to that Idol event. Howard said that this Brandy chick was going to shoot a scene with Eric if they had set him up with her.
Artie told Eric that he's so annoying that they want him to give up his subscription even though SIRIUS stock is under three dollars. Howard took some more phone calls and let the fans talk about how annoyed they were with him. One guy said he wanted to choke him to death. Eric said he didn't give a shit about that. The guy was so frustrated with Eric that he said he can't stand the sound of his voice anymore. Another guy said Eric is the most ungrateful person on the show and he doesn't know why they put up with him.
Howard said he has a hard time hating Eric so he asked Eric why that is. Eric said ''I don't know...'' Howard said that maybe he identifies with him. He told Eric that the Jimmy Kimmel thing is off and no American Idol finale. Howard said that one guy said that he likes Eric because he's honest to a fault and never kisses his ass. That could be the case. Robin said that he's also miserable. Howard said he can identify with that as well.
Howard was going to let him go but said he has to hear him talk to that Brandy chick. Gary said that would be great and they should go through with that. Robin said she's offended by his voice and doesn't want to hear it. Artie threw in a dig at his favorite baseball team, the As, and said that tomorrow morning they should be under .500. Howard gave Eric a ''bye for now'' but Eric wouldn't even say that, which was his catch phrase. Eric said he didn't want to say it after this call today. Howard said he's smitten with Eric and he can't get mad at him. Eric eventually gave Howard a ''Bye for now...'' but it was only for him.
Gary told Howard that they were suppose to talk to this Brandy chick now so he asked if he wanted to do that or not. Howard wanted to put Eric on the phone with her so he told Gary to make that happen. He asked Eric about how much he spends on her web site and all of that. He wasn't sure, he couldn't remember. Gary said that the web site is $24.95 a month so that's what Eric is shelling out. Howard said that's a lot of money for a guy who is on SSI. Robin asked him what else he spends money for. Howard said so far it's on this show and on porno. Eric said he also spends money on food and gas. Robin said he must need gas for that wheelchair of his. Eric said he doesn't need gas for that and called her a stupid bitch. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said they had Ham Hands Bill make a prank call back in the office earlier. They had him call a flower shop and recite some of his song parody to the woman there to put on a card with some flowers for his daughter. He told her all of his key lines about Robin taking off her PJs and her Buttcheeks being warm. The woman got fed up and said she couldn't put that on a card.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that they're doing a prom special where they ask the guys on the staff about their proms. Sal got punched in the face by his prom date. He ended up on the dance floor with another woman and getting punched. Richard Christy ended up in a chicken coup and JD didn't go to his prom.
Lisa said that they have another story about Richard shooting a movie this weekend. They'll also talk about High Pitch Eric avoiding getting evicted from his apartment for now. They'll have more details today on Howard 100 News. Howard thinks that Eric finally got some money from his family or something. He let Lisa go after that.
Eric said he found Brandy after doing a search for ''Big Breasted Girls'' on Yahoo. Brandy said that she's got huge boobs and they're not fake. Howard said the guys were showing some pictures of her in the studio there. He said that she's got some very graphic stuff on her web site too. He asked Eric what he thinks is so great about Brandy. He said that she's the cutest one he's ever seen out of the women he's come across. Brandy said that she's been posting on SFN for the past 2 weeks but she hasn't seen him posting anything. Eric said he wasn't aware of that and he'd have to go over there and check it out.
Howard told Eric to talk about how he beats off to Brandy. He explained it for Eric saying that he lays face down on his bed and rubs into his pillow and then whacks off into his PJ pants and just leaves it in there to dry. Eric said he's got it about right. He said he likes to see her solo stuff on her web site and not so much of her doing stuff with other people.
Eric said he likes to see her doing things like one where she's in her ''kit...chen'' washing her boobs. Howard told Eric to talk to Brandy and pretend that they're not there. He wanted him to give her his fantasy. Eric said ''Oh boy...'' and then said he'd like to play with her breasts, suck on them, rub them and anything else she'd be willing to do. Brandy asked him if he's ever tittie fucked anyone. Eric said all he's ever been able to do was rub on breasts and suck them. Brandy said that her boobs would probably swallow him if she was with him. Howard said the only person who has fucked Eric was God... and he only fucked him once. Artie said that God fucks you forever, he's no one pump and out kind of guy.
Eric didn't want to do the phone sex thing with Brandy on the air. He said he didn't want to do it in public. Brandy tried to do the phone sex thing and told him to take out his huge cock and rub it on her. She gave him a whole scenario and all Eric would say is ''ok'' and ''yes'' when she asked him questions. Howard tried to help out and told Eric that maybe he should describe himself to Brandy. He said that he's 3'5'' tall and he's in a wheelchair. Brandy asked him if he's got a big dick. He said he did measure it a year ago for the show. He said it's about 5 inches. Brandy said that was pretty good for his size. Howard said that he's only 6 inches and he's 6'5'' tall.
Howard said Eric was a disaster at this and he was worse than JD. Howard said Brandy sounds like a cute sweetie and if he were Eric, he'd be trying to get into her pants by sweet talking her. Howard said he was running out of time so he said what he might do is call her back in a week after having JD practice with Eric. Eric said he's not going to do this in public. Howard tried to get Eric to do some phone sex but Eric said he was doing nothing when he was asked.
Artie tried to help out too and told Eric what he should be saying. He gave him a few lines but it wasn't working. Howard took a call from a guy who said he had the right lines for him and did an impression of Eric telling her to tell him how sexy he was in his PJ pants.
Johnny Fratto called in to try and help out. He asked Eric what the problem was. Eric said he's told Johnny many times that he can't do this on the air. Johnny told him he should say something like ''Suck my cock or I'll blow your brains out...'' Johnny also told Howard that Eric told him that this is his fantasy girl. He should be doing something with her on the phone.
Howard asked Brandy what she was wearing and found out she didn't have a bra or panties on, just a pair of shorts. She said that she's fully shaved as well. Artie said that he has a theory about why Eric sucks at this... ''he sucks at everything.''
Howard asked Brandy if Eric has a chance at going out on a date with her. She gave him an ''Ummm'' and said that she might go on a date, but she may not fuck him. Howard said that if she likes him, she can do whatever he wants. He asked Eric if he would man up and go on the date with her. Eric said ''yeah'' so Howard asked him if he loves her. He said he's sure it could come out to that. Howard told Brandy that he's seen her naked already and knows a lot about her.
Eric said he visits her web site several times a day. Robin wondered what kind of dinner conversation he could make. Howard said he'll come up with something. Eric and Brandy started to talk a little bit about American Idol. They have something in common at least. The two of them talked about who they think should win and stuff like that. Howard said that this is a different approach to phone sex.
Artie said that maybe if Eric goes to American Idol, he can watch as Simon Cowell fucks Brandy. He did an impression of Simon face fucking her and stuff like that. Howard said he doesn't care what Artie says, he's set up the date for Eric. Then Artie said that Randy could come in and double team Brandy. Howard said he's still going to set Eric up on this date because he does like him. He said he thinks he's a good guy and wouldn't abuse her like some guys would.
Artie continued his story where Simon and Randy are fucking Brandy and then Ryan Seacrest comes into the room... and fucks Eric in the ass. Howard said goodbye to Eric who actually said a thank-you to Howard after asked to do that. Eric even gave Howard a ''Bye for now'' as he was saying goodbye. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard found out that Jason's mom, Roxanne, is 53 years old. He had her come in and said that she's a thin woman. She had been drinking out in the green room. Jason said he wanted to loosen her up to tell some stories. Roxanne said she last got laid in December of last year. Jason said he was going to call bullshit on that. He said that she really is hard up if that's the case. Howard said that Roxanne is keeping it together for a 53 year old. He asked her if she would have sex with any of Jason's associates. She said she would have to make a connection with them first. She said she might go out on a date but she thinks that she can do it on her own. Howard said ''apparently not.''
Howard asked Jason who he would want her to go out with. Jason said that Lee reminds him of his dad and he'd like to see her out with him. He said that he thinks that his father used to make his mom bang other guys in front of him. She said that was true but Jason was dramatizing it a little bit. She said that you'd have to know the whole story to get it. She said that she was a virgin when she met her husband and she told him that she didn't know if he was the best so she wanted to try other men. She said that one guy was a very good friend of theirs who did that for them. She told the story about what happened and how her husband would fuck her after the other guy would do her. She said that he would instruct the other guys on what to do to her. She said that he liked to see them fuck her and see her response to them.
Howard asked Roxanne what the weirdest thing was she ever did for her husband. She said that they once met a couple and ended up going to a hotel and fucking on the same bed. Jason asked her if she ever had to rim anyone. She said she never had to do that. She said she thinks the weirdest thing was when she was fucked in both holes at the same time. She was telling some of those stories when Howard said he never could have had this woman on the old radio show, she was very graphic. Roxanne said that she was on top of one guy and she had another guy coming in from behind her when that DP thing was going on.
Jason said that his dad was the biggest pervert and would show him the dildos he'd use and this bouncing ball they had that had a dick on it. They had all kinds of stuff like that and Jason knew about it. Jason asked his mom about her theory on things. She tried to get her thoughts out but it wasn't coming out. She said she tries just about anything once and if she doesn't like it, she won't try it again. She said that she's been with women. Jason said his dad has shown him pictures of them doing stuff. He said he would just throw them on the table and show them to him. He said he had no desire to see them though. Howard wondered if he was trying to get his son involved with his mother. Roxanne said that was sick and that wasn't going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Roxanne sounded like Edith Bunker. Another caller asked how her husband convinced her to have sex with other men. Roxanne said she had to find another man who she clicked with and once that happened, she could see it happening.
Howard took a call from Wood Yi (audio clips) who asked her to keep talking, he was about to come. Howard asked Jason if he ever saw his mother walking around naked. Jason said he saw her because they were nudists and they'd walk around like that. Wood Yi was still on the phone and said ''You're a real hoot'' to some of the stuff she was saying. Howard let Wood Yi go after he said something about a hot load on his face.
Howard asked Roxanne if she wanted to meet the men that her son picked out for her. She said she would meet them but they had to have a connection if she was going to date them. First up was Lee from Howard TV. Lee said he got laid about a month ago so he's not incredibly desperate. Lee said he met Roxanne on his way to take a dump earlier in the morning.
Roxanne said she wasn't sure if she would like Lee without talking to him. He said that after a few beers he looks really, really good. Lee was also saying that Jason and Roxanne have the same face so he'd have to get past that. Howard asked him if it was weird when Jason asked him if he'd like to fuck his mom. Lee said it was kind of odd and Jason even came in this morning and asked him if he was hard yet. Lee said he's willing to do this to bump up subscriptions for Howard TV and SIRIUS but he didn't sound all that interested in her. He told her that Greg would probably be the better man for her.
Howard asked Roxanne how many men she was with over the years, other than her husband. She said it was probably 25 times that she fucked another man but it wasn't 25 different guys. A caller asked if she's into Bukkake. She said she likes that but it was usually her husband who would do that. She said she's also a swallower and if a guy finished on her chest, she'd rub it in.
A caller asked Jason if he wanted to blow his brains out after this. Howard said it seemed like he was okay with it. Jason said that's life and he has no control over this stuff. Fred asked if it's really his mother because it seemed like another relative or something. Another caller asked if Roxanne likes a big cock up her ass. She already talked about having that done. Irish John called in and asked if there were any of Jason's friends who fucked her. She said that she never did anything but she may have fantasized about it.
Howard said he had Kenneth Keith Kallenbach there because he was willing to fuck Roxanne. Howard said Ken actually contacted them and said he'd like to do her. Roxanne asked what she'd gotten herself into when he came in. Jason said he'd draw the line at Kenneth Keith. He said he really doesn't know him that well. Kenneth said that he's what America's all about, sex, drugs, alcohol, long hair... Howard gave Ken a plug for his DVD ''American Icon'' which is coming out Tuesday, June 5th in stores everywhere.
Howard asked where Greg was because he wanted to introduce him. Greg came in a short time later and said that Jason just randomly asked him if he wanted to bang his mom. Roxanne said she thinks that her son got her into something deep there. Howard said he could see a connection with Greg. Roxanne said he was attractive, yes. Greg said that he has had a fantasy about having an older woman but it's weird because it's his buddy's mom.
Sal came in and asked Roxanne if she would show them her tits. She said she has flashed guys before but she wasn't sure she wanted to do it on TV. Howard told her to just show them, she's a nudist. She didn't want to do it in front of her son. She said she's not a sickie and wouldn't do that in front of her son. Sal offered to give her twenty bucks. Then the rest of the guys started throwing money into the pot and they had it up to a whole $47... and then it was up to $68 a short time later. Roxanne said she wasn't going to do it in front of her son. Sal was throwing money at her breasts but she wasn't doing anything.
Ralph called in and suggested that she ride the Sybian and have Jason control it. Neither of them wanted to do that. Ralph said the weird thing is that Jason seems like a normal guy. Howard took another call from a woman who said that there's something wrong with the cosmos this week with the weird relative thing going on. Kenneth Keith said he had some dildos in his bag and said that he had a magnifying glass to check her out for genital warts. He also had a lighter for smoking drugs later. He then put a dildo in his mouth which grossed out the guys.
A caller asked if Roxanne was shaved. She said she is partially shaved down there. Another guy asked her if she's ever ashamed of this stuff. He said that it seems kind of unstable to him. Howard asked Greg if he wanted to kiss Roxanne. He said it was just too weird to do. Howard asked her if she would let him touch her boob. She said that was fine and let Greg feel her up. Greg said it felt pretty nice as he was feeling her up. Roxanne said she's really not a freak. Roxanne got to grab Greg's crotch and she thought that was kind of weird. Jason said that this was amazing to him because Howard was creating something so bizarre. Sal suggested that they let Greg feel his mom's crotch now. Howard said that Greg and Roxanne looked kind of cute together.
Howard let Kenneth Keith get in a plug for his web site KennethKeith.com. Then Jessica Hahn called in and said she thinks that Jason just wants to get his mom a date. She seems like a sweet woman and she's not a hooker or something but they're making it seem dirty.
Howard said he heard that Jason's wife was there so he wanted to meet her. The guys brought in Courtney and Howard said she had a great body. He asked her what she thought of her mother-in-law. She said she thinks she's cute. She said that Roxanne is a sweet woman and she has a lot of great stories to tell. Howard asked her if she thinks that she should show her boobs. She still didn't want to do it with her son there so Jason left the studio. Then she said she wasn't sure if she could do it. She did do it and flashed them real quick. The guys said they were nice. Howard said they weren't bad and told her she had some nice titties. He said she had some nice nips there. He asked if she breast fed her son with those nips. She said she didn't have luck with that. Howard said those nips weren't like big pencil erasers, they were nice. Sal said he best that she has a nice vagina too. Jason drew the line there and said she wouldn't be showing that.
Howard spent a few more seconds talking to Roxanne, Jason and Courtney before he wrapped up. He also asked Roxanne if she wanted to ride the Sybian. Jason said he wanted her to leave with some dignity. Sal said it was too late though. Howard thanked Kenneth Keith for coming in but he started saying that Roxanne was too old for him and that she looks kind of like a man a little bit. Howard seemed to think that was a little rough though. He had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Steven about James Galdolfini's weight and why he's so big. He said that he blew up on the show but now that it's over, he's trying to lose it. He said they all kind of blew up on that show. Howard said that if he were Gandolfini, he'd change his name to Tony Soprano and keep playing that part forever. Steven said that job is really tough when he's got so many lines to do. He said he sees why Gandolfini wanted to leave because he was putting in so much time doing it.
Howard asked Steven about the deal he had over there because HBO is infamously cheap. Steven said that the money for him is just a sign of respect as far as he's concerned. He said he reworked his deal and it never got all that ugly for him. He said he talked about leaving the show but they kept him around. He said they don't get any residuals from the show so what they make that week working is all they get paid. They sell tons of their DVDS too and they don't get a part of that.
Artie said that the DVD thing has changed the business because they do sell so many, it's like another form of syndication. Howard asked Steven if he hangs out with Gandolfini. He said that the whole cast became friends and they do hang out. He said that he and Bruce were much closer when he was in his band. Howard asked him if he left Bruce because he was getting all of the attention. Steven said that it was his suggestion for Bruce to use his name. He didn't have a problem with it. He said he wanted him to be the biggest star in the world when they were growing up. He wanted him to be successful.
Howard said that Artie is a huge fan of Bruce's and he'd be willing to blow a man if he ever appears on American Idol. Artie said that's not the case, he never said he was going to blow anyone. He said that if Bruce ever appeared on American Idol, he would get his balls shocked. He still thinks there's no way that Bruce would ever do the show. Steven said ''Uh oh!'' when he heard that. Howard told Steven to please make it happen so they can see Artie get his balls shocked. Steven was laughing while Artie was telling the story.
Howard said that sometimes you have to do a show like that for the teenagers. If they get Bruce on the show, they can introduce a whole new audience to his music. He asked Steven if he can imagine Bruce and the E Street Band doing that show. Steven said that things are changing out there these days so you never know. He said there was a time when they could say that they'd never do that, but the business is changing radically now. There's no more radio. He said that he's the only one playing new rock music on SIRIUS. He said that when you put out a record these days you don't get the word out over the radio. He told Artie not to be upset if they do end up on there sometime.
Steven said that Bruce is working on some new stuff and they may have an announcement in the next year or so. He said that they could make a new album within that time. Howard said that they might have to do a show like American Idol to get the word out there. Howard asked him if they've talked about that at all. Steven said he doesn't see them all that much so they haven't discussed it.
Artie said that they're going to sell out 16 nights at Giants Stadium no matter what so there's no reason to go on that show. Steven said that there's no difference between doing that show or a Letterman or Leno show. Artie said that American Idol looks like a shitty 1970s John Davidson TV show and it is different. Howard asked Steven if he watches American Idol. He said that he doesn't but his wife told him about Prince doing it. He said that American Idol is the music business now, and they have to accept that.
Steven said that his channel played 50 percent of the air time for the new Rolling Stones album. He said a lot of bands like that are out of touch with the music business now. Artie was still complaining about American Idol and saying that those people won't get Springsteen's music. Howard anted to get a word in but Artie said he was trying to explain something to him and insisted on telling this story. He said that Bruce will be relevant forever while those American Idol people won't.
Howard told Artie that Gary told Little Steven back in the green room that Artie could recite those raps that Springs teen does in those live songs of his and Steven's response was ''That's very sad...'' Steven then told Howard and the guys that these days, when a band has a song in a commercial, it's accepted. Years ago it would kill a band to do that but now you have to do it just to get your music heard.
Howard said that a lot of these big companies are starting to sell off their radio stations and that might give hope to the radio business. He said it'll bring back the local stations and music to those stations. He said that and satellite radio could save the music business. That led to him promoting this CD that Steven was there to talk about. It's called CBGB Forever. Steven said that they lost the fight to keep the business running and they're gone now. He said that they have some tracks on the album that are very rare to find. Howard played some of the Foo Fighters cover of a Ramones song, ''Danny Says,'' from that new CD. He also played some of Green Day's cover of another Ramones song, ''Favorite Son.'' Gary said the U2 track is really good too so Howard played that one as well.
Howard said that The Ramones were a great band and he thinks that Joey was an underrated singer. Steven agreed and said they never got the respect they deserved. Howard and Steven talked about them for a short time and also talked about the days when Steven was playing with Bruce Springs teen.
Howard asked Steven about the final episodes of ''The Sopranos'' and how that feels. Steven said that it's good to be someone different off the screen. Howard asked him why he thinks that David Chase went after him for 10 years trying to find him. He said that David just happened to see him doing an induction for a band and he thought he'd be good in the show. He said he sees things differently as a director. Howard asked him if he was the first guy signed to The Sopranos. Steven said he's not sure of the order they were hired. He didn't even feel right taking the part because he might be taking someone else's job.
Howard asked Steven if they can expect a lot of violence in the next couple of weeks. Steven said ''yes'' to that but didn't give away anything else. Howard asked Steven if he knows any real mob guys. He said he wouldn't say if he did know any. That was a yes to Robin. Howard asked him if he's ever killed anyone in his real life. Steven got a laugh out of that.
Artie said he likes the little details they give in The Sopranos and talked about the episode where they killed off Christopher because it was called ''Heidi and Kennedy'' and those were the names of the girls that were driving the car that caused the accident in that episode.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Steven what a big fan she's been since 1979. She said that she thinks that Bruce is a sell out these days because he shops in Barneys and he seems to have a huge ego these days. Howard tried to interrupt her but she wouldn't stop talking so Howard had to hang up on her. She was trying to say that she thinks that Bruce used to be more of a working class type of guy but now he's got money and it's not like that. Steven said that just because the guy is writing songs that are like that doesn't mean that he is a working class type of guy. He's just a good writer. Howard said there are some people out there who will stop buying albums when their favorite bands actually start selling some records.
Artie said that he always wanted to ask Tom Waits about the song ''Jersey Girl'' because he'd heard stories about it. He said he got to work with Tom on the movie ''Mystery Men'' so he asked him how he came up with the song and his throw away line to him was ''Uh, my wife's from Newark.'' He thought it was going to be a whole story about some chick he'd met and all of this other stuff but that was all he got.
Howard wrapped up with Steven. He talked to him about the possibility of the band getting back together and possibly getting on American Idol. They goofed around with that a little bit before Howard had to go to break.
Howard mentioned that they have a couple of guests coming in soon like Joe Piscopo and Joey Fatone. He talked about Dancing with the Stars after bringing up Joey. He thinks that Joey should win that show from what he's seen.
Howard said he heard that Artie had a stain on his pants so he had him stand up to show it. Artie figured it was soda and not pee. Artie said he's pretty sure it's not pee like Howard has. Howard said he's had pee issues lately and he keeps dribbling for 10 minutes afterward. Artie said he hopes he doesn't have that problem.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said they're working on the American Idol story and they have 3 insiders who claim that Jordin Sparks is supposed to win the show from what they've heard. Steve said they will have some inside information about the songs they'll be performing tonight. Steve said that SIRIUS is announcing a new channel this summer that will feature the music of the Grateful Dead.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Little Steven's visit today and some of the things that Artie was saying about American Idol during that interview. Jon said they'll also talk about Jason from Howard TV bringing his mother in to get laid. They'll also talk about Eric the Midget's calls this morning.
Howard said he was looking at some of the caller's pictures and she looks like Justine Bateman in some of them but like a dude in others. She was offended by that. Artie said she looks like Patrick Bateman to him. Artie said he wasn't trying to be an asshole but he thinks that she looks like former Yankee Chuck Knoblock. The caller said that she has sex mostly with men but she's not all that much into anal. She said that she usually gives oral but will give up anal to a hot guy. She said that she's dressed up like a woman every day. She said that she's growing some boobs and she's only around an a-cup right now. She said that they're growing by leaps and bounds though. Artie pointed out that she has a dick and boobs about the size of his.
Howard said that he couldn't change the rules in the contest for this ''Bea'' person. He said that the rules are the rules and they can't bend them for her. He let her go and then got a question asking him if he would rather bang Nicole Bass or Bea. Howard said it might be a tough choice. He said that he wishes that Nicole Bass looked like Bea, then it wouldn't be a tough choice. Howard said that he doesn't think he could even jerk off to someone like Bea knowing that she was a dude.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was upset that James Gandolfini was ending The Sopranos and he's not going to support him in any other acting gigs. Artie said that was a ridiculous argument and said that he doesn't know that he's not going to like Gandolfini in something else in the future. Howard agreed so he hung up on the guy and had Robin start her news.
The guys continued to talk about the disturbing images of themselves and how they can't stand to see what they look like on sex tapes. Howard said it was the extreme close ups of himself that were the worst thing about his video. Artie said that at this point in his life, he has to try and think of something really disgusting about himself before watching himself trying to make it easier on him to see himself. The problem is that it's never disgusting enough and he's always a disappointment.
Howard said that Kidd Chris was on the phone and wanted to let them know some key plots in the upcoming Sopranos episodes. Gary said he already ruined it for him because he IM'd him some stuff and spoiled a major plot line. Artie said he would get really mad if Howard put him on the air and he just blurted something out. Howard said he knows something about the show because he knows a person on the show who gets killed off. He wrote it down for Gary to ask Kidd Chris about. Gary said the thing that Chris told him was 10 times worse than what Howard wrote down for him. Howard said he wasn't going to pick up on Chris because of that.
Howard said that the ending of The Bachelor is kind of like that and you want to wait until the end of the show to see what happens. Beth read it in the paper 3 weeks before the show aired. He said that's lame and he's not sure why they'd do something like that.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said he saw Howard's ass in an old channel 9 show episode and talked about how disturbing that was back then. Howard said it really was bad back then but he's still got it today even though he's not fat. Janks told him to watch those old shows if he wants to feel better about himself.
Sal came in and said that he asked Ronnie what was going on with the car and the petcock and Ronnie said to him ''Who gives a shit!?'' to him. Ronnie said it was none of his business, that's why he said that to him. Howard played a song that Richard came up with about Ronnie and his petcock.
Howard read through some e-mail feedback about what went on with Ronnie yesterday. A bunch of people talked about their vehicles and the features they have that Howard's limo doesn't even have. Howard said Beth heard about this whole thing yesterday and she was wondering if he puts on the heat in his vehicle in the summer. He said he does but that has nothing to do with the heat in the limo. He said that his driver should have gotten out and fixed the petcock thing that night.
Howard heard that Ronnie was out in the hall in a heated conversation with an intern. Ronnie said he was just explaining to her what had gone on and the conversation wasn't heated. Howard told Ronnie that he should just drop it and not talk to people in the hall. He told him to stop with the interns and just stand in the hall like a wooden statue. He has too much personality out there. He said that the black guys there just stand there and do their jobs without causing a problem.
Howard said that Sam Simon sent him a note saying that any limo driver should check for heat before letting them get in the car. Howard said that Ronnie did do that in the winter but it didn't help the other night when they were out and the other driver was driving. He wrapped up with Ronnie and sent him back out into the hall so he could have Robin finish up her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Gilbert out at an event and claimed that he saw him walking with a baby carriage. He said Gilbert looked totally defeated and miserable.
At one point Jason came into the studio to talk about illegal immigration since Robin had brought it up in the news. That led to Howard saying that Jason has been eating a ton and it looks like he's gaining back all of the weight he lost. He had him get back on the scale so he could see how much he gained. Jason shot up to 228 pounds! He was at 212 pounds just 2 weeks ago. Howard told him to try to control his urges and not eat so much. Jason claims that he's still dieting and he's going nuts not being able to eat.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone playing the part of Bruce Springs teen late in the show. ''Bruce'' claimed that he was in rehearsal for doing American Idol. Artie played along with him and went into one of his Bruce Springs teen raps where he rambles on and on. Howard cut Artie off after a short time.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he heard from a fan who said he asked Sour Shoes to call a friend of his to surprise him. Sour Shoes ended up talking to him for over 2 hours. He said that's how crazy Sour Shoes is. Howard hung up on Sour Shoes and had Robin finish up the news. They ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show singing some new lyrics to his ''Great American Nightmare'' theme song. He said he was driving around in his car listening to the song during the replay recently. He remembered how cool the song sounded when Rob Zombie played it for him the first time. He thought he could have done better with Rob in the studio when they were performing and he let him down a little bit. He didn't give it everything he could have.
Howard remembers performing the song on MTV with Rob back in the day when MTV was still playing music. He said Rob looked really cool while he didn't look cool at all. He said he must have looked so dumb on TV doing that because he's so far from being cool.
Howard said he's got a bunch of stuff to play for people today. He's been stockpiling stuff lately. He said they have Ham Hands Bill's live version of the bit he did back in 1996 about Robin and her Dad. Howard said he was going to play both versions and have Robin tell him which one she liked best. He played the live version first. After playing it Robin said she thinks that it was even better than the original. She said she found it hard to believe it could be better though.
Howard played the prank call they had Bill make to a flower shop where he asked the woman at the shop to write down the words from that bit on a card for his daughter. Howard took a call from a guy after that who said that there was a song parody contest before that contest where Bill won. Robin said that the one Bill won was about her news theme, that's how that all got started. The caller said that the song parody about Robin before that was something about Robin's trouser trout. Howard asked Fred to check into that and see what he could come up with.
The caller asked Howard if he knew anything about the merger. Howard said he hears nothing about it but he did hear about XM being off the air for two days. The caller also asked Howard what ever happened with the reports about him going back to terrestrial radio. Howard said he was approached to go back but the stories were false. He was approached to come back but he turned down the offers. He's not sure where these stories come from and how people come up with some of these stories.
Artie said that when he leaves his apartment he has to adjust the petcock in there so it has some heat. He told Howard that his apartment actually has four separate air conditioning units in it. He said that when he walks into the apartment in the afternoon, he needs some air. He was trying to help Howard figure out just what he was going to need to do when he leaves today. He told Howard to tell the driver he's going to need air this afternoon. They were all goofing on Ronnie about the way the limo is set up after the nightmare Howard talked about on Monday.
Howard played a Ronnie song parody about the whole petcock thing. Then he talked about all of the Baba Booey song parodies they get there and played one of the new ones they've gotten. It was a parody of the Hole song ''Celebrity Skin.'' Robin said that was one of the first Baba Booey songs they've gotten with a girl singing it. Howard said the songs are coming in fast. He figured he would give it to Fred since he's in charge of that stuff.
Howard played the Bleeding Deacons parody about Richard licking Sal's balls recently. They got another song from someone else about that called ''Mmm Cock'' to the tune of ''Mmm Bop.''
Howard said he heard Artie on Bubba's show yesterday and it sounded like he was a little drunk. Artie said they called him and by the end of his show he was drunk. Howard said Artie had called Bubba a jerk off during the Steven Van Zandt interview yesterday so that's why Bubba called him. Howard said he didn't hear the whole conversation with Bubba so he wanted to know why Artie was drinking in the middle of the afternoon.
Artie said he got a call from his mother yesterday. He said that sometimes her calls make him mental. She told him that she was watching a rerun of him on MAD TV where he played George Clooney. He remembered doing the show and how he was on coke back then. He said that week was torturous for him and he remembers listening to tapes of Clooney's voice to do an impression of him. Then he said his mother told him that if he lost weight, he could look like George Clooney. He said he knows that will never happen. Then he tuned in to watch the show and it brought him back to those days when he was on coke. He put in some Neil Young and started to get more depressed. Howard told him he can't do that, he might end up going back on heroin.
Artie said that he was all depressed and started drinking after all of that came up. He said he got all bummed out after seeing those old shows when he was much younger. He said his mother is delusional thinking that he could look like George Clooney. He said he saw his Jack Daniels sitting there and decided to have a shot and a cigarette. He did that around 1 o'clock and then the phone rang. He saw it was SIRIUS Satellite Radio so he figured he'd pick up. Fred was playing all of the sound effects to reenact the whole scene.
Fred was playing George Thoroughgood's ''I Drink Alone'' as Artie was talking about that. Artie said he figured that it could have been someone calling to tell him that Howard wasn't going to be on the next day, so he picked up the phone. He said he hit the radio to turn it down but it turned up so he didn't hear who was on the phone. He then realized it was Bubba calling him.
Artie said he got into the conversation about the ''jerk off'' name calling thing. He had just started to drink and kept drinking because he was having fun talking to his buddies. Then they brought up Akira and tried to get him to fuck her. Howard said he heard little bits and pieces of the conversation so he knew about the Akira thing.
Artie said he said some things about Bubba's wedding and he felt bad about that. He joked about how sad he was that he and Brent had left his wedding and missed Hulk Hogan giving him a bowl... and Bubba lying to Hulk Hogan about liking his daughter's music.
Howard had some audio clips of Bubba talking about Artie before they called him. In the clip Bubba was talking about coming back from a go-cart track. Howard cut off the clip and said that no man his age should be talking about coming back from a go-cart track, unless he owns a go-cart track. Howard was also wondering how Bubba has time to get fat doing all of the stuff he does.
Howard got back to the clip where Bubba was talking about hearing about Artie calling him a jerk off and how there's no way to take that other than an insult. He and his guys were talking about how the comment came out and what context it was being used in. Spice Boy was telling Bubba how he heard it come out. Bubba said that was bullshit that Artie was talking about him that way. He said he's not a jerk off, Artie is the jerk off for calling him a jerk off. Bubba gave Artie a ''fuck you'' and said he always takes the high road and has never called Artie any names like that.
Gary told Howard that in one clip Artie goes after Tim Sabean. Howard played that clip where Bubba and Artie were talking about Tim and Artie says that Tim is the classic middle management guy who is just a bullshitter. He said that Tim will accept anyone's opinion if he's left in the room long enough with them. Then Tim called into Bubba's show to talk to Artie asking him why he threw him under the bus too. Tim said that Artie just walked past him in the hallway and called him a fat fuck. Then Artie asks Tim if he has to go suck someone's cock or if he has to go tell the Martha Stewart channel they're doing a good job.
Howard said that if Artie had people goofing on him, he'd be crying and drinking. Tim came into the studio to talk about that stuff and piled on top of him with the rest of the guys. The guys brought up Artie's mom again and said that's why Artie ended up drinking yesterday. Howard said his mother is very direct and cutting when it comes to stuff like that. He said that his mother is very direct with him and tells him if he's looking horrible. Artie's mom isn't so direct. Howard did an impression of his mother telling him how horrible he looked back in the days when he was fat. Howard said that he was in his 30s back then when she was telling him how awful he looked.
Gary said they had some clips of Artie's mom talking about him for the Superfan Roundtable show. Howard played one of the clips where Artie's mom was talking about his weight and how she knows that it's very tough for him to lose the weight and that she's very concerned about it. She was very nice about it and said she hopes that he eventually loses the weight.
Howard had a clip of Artie's mom telling Artie to throw out the hot dogs he had in his refrigerator and that she was going to buy him some more and freeze them individually. Howard said that was the Artie saga and the reason that Artie was drinking yesterday in the middle of the afternoon. Artie said that was the first time in months that he's had a drink in the afternoon during the week.
Howard said that he has to show Robin how to plan her trips because she said she really didn't have it all planned out yet. That led to Howard talking about his platinum AmEx card and how that keeps track of everything he's spent money on over the year. Artie said he got one of those cards just to impress chicks.
Howard said he saw this movie of Dan's and it's a true story and documentary about this guy who was obsessed with this woman and ended up pouring lye in her face and blinding her. He said he went to jail for that but then the woman went to him after he got out of jail. He said it's really weird. The guy was on the red carpet at the premiere and Howard said he can't see celebrating a guy like that.
The guys talked about that movie being kind of like the Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher story. Artie said that's not a real story though, that seems to be something that David Krieff came up with to get them some publicity. Howard said the movie that Dan did is very interesting even though the guy in the movie is creepy. Howard said he went over to support Dan and his film. He said the guy makes good movies and that one was very good, just disturbing.
Howard said that he loves this book that helps him stay organized because he remembered to go to the movie because of that. Howard told Robin about the system he uses to stay organized and he wants Robin to do the same thing. Robin said that she may have to do that because she has this AOL alert thing that gives her a warning a week before but she always forgets. Howard said that if she carries around this book like he does, she won't forget stuff anymore. Artie said that his assistant forgot to send his mother flowers from him so he knows what it's like to forget stuff.
Howard said he has to write out checks himself these days even though he used to have people take care of most of that stuff. He said that it's kind of fun to do stuff like that. Robin said that she hated taking care of her own bills, she has someone else to do that now. She said she will talk to Howard about the organization thing though.
Howard got back to the Dan Klores thing and said that they were taking endless pictures of him. Beth was there in a little dress that kept blowing up and they probably got pictures of her in her panties. He said he went home and fucked her so hard because he was getting so turned on by her on the red carpet. Artie said that he never cares what he wears when he goes out like that. Howard said that he doesn't care all that much either and just does his own hair when he goes out. He said he wore the same thing he was wearing this morning when he went.
Howard said he went over to say hello to Governor Cuomo not realizing who it was at first. He said he had an awkward moment with him in the past. Howard said that he was telling people that Dan doesn't wear underwear when he wears his suits. He said he always found that kind of odd. He was being interviewed by Extra and told them that story so they could ask him about it. Howard said that they asked so many dumb questions when he was on the read carpet.
Artie said he was on the red carpet at the premiere of ''Beer League'' and some woman was trying to get him over to her. He thought he was all important for a second and then she asked him ''Where are Howard and Robin?'' He said he told her they were coming.
Gary said that now he knows two plot lines for the upcoming shows because Howard gave him some other info. Howard said he really didn't want to know any of that himself. He changed subjects and got to American Idol. He said that the girl is going to win. They had her sing a song last night and the song was written for a girl and it was obvious that she was going to take it after performing the song.
Howard said that Jordin sang the song and it gave him goose bumps. He said she did really well performing the song and he liked her version better than the dude's. He said Jordin might only be 17 but she seems much older than that. He told her to go out and be a kid while she can. He said he was going to keep that conversation short so he wouldn't get e-mail saying that he's gay.
Artie said that he has to adjust his position for everything he does in his life now because he's so big. He said that he was on his side, his pants were at his ankles and he was a little drunk. Howard didn't get him leaving his pants around his ankles. He was asking about that and the laying on the side thing. Artie said that he was just trying to make a point that it wasn't the most ideal position.
Artie said he went to the daily show from that day and it wasn't on there. He said he tried to find something to watch to get him off so he got so pissed at Howard TV that he had to just go by memory to jerk off to that chick. He said he imagined that he was fucking her from behind with that great ass of hers.
Howard said that now she's going to hear all of this and think that she's going to inflate the subscriptions and things like that. The Howard TV guys showed them some video of her and Doug Goodstein came in and told them why the show wasn't up on Howard TV when Artie tried to find it. Howard asked Doug why he had her there shooting for the Miss Howard TV thing so late. Doug said that Isaac spent a lot of time with her doing the shoot and he was picking lint off of her and stuff like that. He said he's never seen anything like it. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said they heard from Miss Howard Stern Andrea. She left a voice mail and it sounded like she might have been drunk. She left a rambling message about being handcuffed, wanting to make a reality TV show, and how she needs a job. Howard said that you can't be in that condition and ask for a job. He said she sounds like a female Leon Spinks. That led to him saying that Richard and Sal did a new Jack and Rod bit where they used some Leon Spinks audio clips. They spoke to an author and had him talking to Leon Spinks not knowing who he was talking to. They had Leon saying a bunch of stuff that the guy on the phone didn't understand. The guy on the phone tried to talk to him but he couldn't understand anything and the guys had Leon saying ''Huh'' over and over again so the guy kept repeating himself. The caller stayed on the line trying to explain himself but he eventually got fed up and hung up.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She said that Stuttering John and an intern at the Tonight Show are going to have their own Internet TV show. She said they also have a story about Stewart Brodian, a Howard Stern impersonator. Howard said he's met that guy before. They have a story about him and a bunch of other things today on Howard 100 News.
Robin was shocked by what she was seeing even though she had seen stuff like that in the past. She said that the wound is huge. Jeff said the want to send him home today with that open wound on his ass. Howard said he'll die if they send him home because he can't take care of it himself. Jeff said they're going to send a nurse over to his place to take care of it.
Howard said he was watching 60 Minutes this week and they were talking about how they take homeless people into the hospitals and they have to just dump them back on the street after treating them. They said that the people on 60 Minutes were outraged by it and expect them to solve the homeless problem. He said they aren't responsible for that, they're just trying to help people out. He said they don't know what to do with those people and the hospitals have bills to pay.
Howard said that Jeff is just like those people, the hospital has to get him out of there. Robin said there won't be people making him get up and walk around or not drink so he's going to be a mess. Howard said that this should be a turning point for Jeff. He should take this opportunity and turn his life around and stop drinking. He said that maybe he could take control of his health and stop drinking. Jeff said he knows he can't just sit around all day because of the wound.
Artie asked Jeff what his game plan is at this point. Jeff said he's not going to drink, he's not going to smoke ''as much''... He said that they're going to send him home with a wound vac on. That's something that's going to suck his ass juices out. Howard tried to describe what was going on with his ass saying that it looked like rotting blood and flesh, like an Alien had come out of there. Artie said that this all came about because Jeff didn't wipe correctly. Jeff said it wasn't because of wiping. Artie said that's right, because he never wiped.
Jeff said they were going to keep him there for a month but then they came to him and told him he was leaving today. He said he had to thank the people for sending him stuff like magazines and crap like that. Robin said that he should ask for a job there and just stay there to work. The guys figured that Jeff was being an asshole there and that's why they wanted him to leave. Jeff said he's been nice to everyone, so that's not true.
Artie offered to give Jeff a thousand bucks for every piece of medication he has. He also suggested that Jeff go to the roof of the hospital and jump off. Howard said that's not nice, he's not going to do that. Artie said that's right, he's going to stick around like a cockroach.
Jeff said that he will eat better when he goes home. Artie asked him how he shits and cleans himself up back there. Jeff said that they don't let him shower except on the days when they change the dressing on his wound.
The caller also asked Howard about Mayor Bloomberg since there are rumors that he may run for President. That led to Howard talking about how term limits are ridiculous for the President. He said that letting the president only stay in for 2 terms is dumb. He and Robin ended up arguing about that because Robin said it would be like having a dictatorship if they stayed in office forever. Howard said it's like James Gandolfini playing Tony Soprano. He should play that part forever. Artie and Robin said that it would give the guy too much power if he was allowed to stay in office but Howard said that people could vote against him.
The caller and Howard talked about Bloomberg and how he might just make a good president. Howard said that Clinton should have been allowed to run for a third term. He said that he probably would have won. Howard and Robin were still arguing about politics and term limits. Howard said Robin's argument was ridiculous and she wasn't making any sense. When he asked her to answer questions, she would just yell at him and not answer the question directly. He told her that she's not bright but she probably didn't hear him because she wouldn't stop talking. Robin said that Howard doesn't understand politics at all. Howard said that all she does is yell at him and he had some e-mail from the fans who agree with him about that.
Howard asked Fred if he thinks that he should replace him because he's been in that position too long. Fred said he was comparing apples and oranges and sided with Robin in the argument. Howard told Fred to go to break but he refused. Howard asked him over and over again trying to get him to do it. He finally did a short time later.
Howard asked the guys to bring in Joanie 'Chyna' Lauer after that. Fred was playing The Musters theme song as she was coming in. Howard said it looked like she had slimmed down and was looking much more girlish. She said she stopped playing football so that's why it was looking that way. Howard said that she lost that bulk and looked more like a woman. Howard had her stand up to see if he would fuck her. He said that she's got to lose more of that muscular strength in her upper body and she'd look really great. Artie told her that she doesn't look like Sylvester Stallone now, she looks like Frank Stallone.
Howard wanted to see Chyna's boobs because they looked bigger than they have in the past. He said they looked nice from what he could see. Fred said that she really was looking hot today. Howard said she's getting there and asked her what she's doing to look more girlish. She claims that she's not working out anymore, but other than that, she's not doing anything. He told her not to inflate her lips anymore though. He said that wasn't working. She said she went to a collagen party and didn't realize how big they got. Howard said that Chyna showed him her titties one time she was on the show so he wanted to see them again. She wasn't doing it though.
Howard asked Chyna about her Larry King interview where she was talking about Anna Nicole Smith like she was really close friends with her. She claimed she was close but some of Anna's other friends were saying that wasn't the case. He played a clip from Larry's show where one of Anna's friends said that Anna told her that she wasn't friends with Joanie. Chyna was on that show and said that she was shocked by that. She said that she did try to call Anna but she wouldn't return her calls. She doesn't think that she didn't want to be her friend, she just wasn't returning calls.
Howard asked Chyna what was up with that. She said that she could relate to Anna's pain and wanted to be friends with her. They did bond when they shot a movie together. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he used to find Chyna attractive in the past but he saw a picture of her recently where she shows her vagina and her clit is so big that it looks like a dick. Howard asked her if that was true. Chyna said that she saw a picture that she saw that freaked her out and it had been doctored. Howard wanted to see it himself so he asked her to come over and show him. Howard said he's not even sure where the clitoris is, he just rubs a woman's area and hopes he hits something.
Gary showed Howard the picture that the caller was talking about. The picture was from her ''One Night in Chyna'' video. Howard looked at the picture and said that was shocking. Chyna said that she found that picture to be shocking and she almost cried the first time she saw it. Howard wanted to see what she had down there and asked her to take her pants off. Artie said that he didn't think he could get more grossed out than by Jeff the Drunk's ass but that picture may have done it.
Howard said he heard that Chyna would bang him so he asked her about that. She said she does find him attractive and she might do that. He said she's really looking much better these days. He said her titties were looking good and she should leave them alone. She said that she may get a tune up on them though. Howard asked if they're hard now. She said that they're actually pretty soft. He asked her to let Benjy suck on them but she just laughed.
A caller said that Chyna was in the April issue of Playboy and she looked really hot. Howard agreed and said she looked hot today. He asked her what happened to that guy who played guitar for her that day she sang ''Holiday.'' She said he wasn't really her brother, he was just a friend. Howard said he looked like an asshole telling that guy that he might want to get his sister some help.
Another caller said that if they hung Chyna from the ceiling, they could use her clit as a speed bag. Fred threw in a clip of a speed bag being punched after hearing that. Howard went on to ask Chyna about this movie she shot with Anna Nicole and wondered if it was awful. She said the movie was good and she had prepared to do the movie for months before they shot it. She said she heard that the movie got reviewed and it got a ''wonderfully horrible'' comment.
Chyna said that the movie is called ''Illegal Aliens'' and it's in that B-movie genre. She said she plays the part of an alien from another planet who is a man in a woman's body who has to try and blow up the world. She did some of her alien speak for the guys. She also talked about doing scenes with Anna Nicole and how they became friends during the shoot. Howard wanted to know if they did anything sexual together. She said that Anna stuck her tongue in her ear one time. She said that she likes men though so she isn't into that stuff.
Howard asked Chyna why she doesn't stay in contact with her family. She told Howard that she hasn't spoken to her mother in years and she really doesn't miss her. She said she's better at picking out her own family. Howard said she cries when she's asked those type of questions on other shows. She said she doesn't do that but Howard said he read that she had. Howard then asked her what the nicest day was she ever had when she was with her family. He was also asking her to describe the emptiness of not having parents who cared. She talked a little bit about that but didn't break down and cry. Howard kept digging trying to get her to break down. He kept bringing up her mother and the rest of her family but she wasn't cracking.
Howard asked Chyna if she ever sat her mother down and asked her why she didn't love her. She said that she kind of felt like an abandoned child. Howard asked her who disappointed her the most. She still wasn't crying so Howard said that she broke down and cried on Dr. Keith Ablow's show. He played a clip from that show where she broke down and cried while talking to him.
Howard noticed that Artie as passed out cold sitting there. Artie heard him and snapped out of it asking the question that Howard was just asking Chyna. Gary said that the TV guys caught him with his eyes closed for at least 2 minutes.
Howard gave Chyna a plug for her movie ''Illegal Aliens'' and then asked her when a guy last porked her. She said that was private and wouldn't answer. Fred and Artie both said they'd fuck her. Artie said he'd have to keep her dick away though. Howard wished her luck with the new movie. Robin asked her what she was up to in her career now. She said that she's got a job now working with this resort company in Las Vegas. She asked him to play the part of the DJ and she was going to call him up and do her pitch to him. Howard said he was sorry to hear that she was involved with one of those companies. Gary said the company advertises with them so he knew what to do. He asked Chyna what he should do this weekend. She threw out the phone number for this Las Vegas free 3 day and 2 night promotion. Chyna said that the phone number is 866-67-GO-WIN about 5 times. She said that it's a 3 day 2 night complimentary stay. Howard asked her who some of her cool celebrity friends were. She said that Howard was the one. Chyna said it's hard to do that pitch because there are so many DJs that aren't nice.
Howard started to wrap up with Chyna and said that they had two female fans who wanted to meet her before she left. Artie had a feeling it was going to be sickening. He was right, it was Sal and Richard who came in with their ''enlarged clits'' in spandex. Sal said that they wanted to make her a deal and show their clits to her if she showed hers. Howard told the guys to keep their clits in their pants but Richard flashed his. Howard told them to leave after that. Howard gave Chyna another plug for her movie and let her get the 8660-67-GO-WIN thing. She said you have to say that Chyna Doll sent you for her to get credit for it. She said that they give you a free stay and you just have to hear a sales pitch out there. Robin said you may not even be forced to go to the sales pitch though. Chyna said she's gone out there a few times and she loves it.
Howard asked her one more time to show her boobs. She said that she wants to get them done over first, then maybe she'll show them to him. She said he's seen them already anyway.
Howard said that the kid who played little Richie Petri on The Dick Van Dyke Show likes to dress up as a woman. He read an article about the guy and how he's married with kids but likes to dress up like a chick sometimes. Howard said that's just weird. He also mentioned that Tammy Faye Baker is down to 65 pounds. Robin said she's been revealing her weight for the past few weeks.
Howard said that this chick Jennifer who has the fat guy fetish is pretty hot according to the guys out in the office. She came walking in a short time later and Howard said she was really hot. She thinks that she looks kind of like Lindsay Lohan. She also claims that she just lost her virginity about a year ago. Jennifer said she went out with this guy for years and ended up breaking up with him and then started fucking. She said that she was blowing the guy but passed out and didn't even realize what was going on. She said that she had told him that she wouldn't mind losing her virginity to the guy so it wasn't like rape or anything.
Artie said that he can't imagine dating a 20 year old. He said that she's adorable but a 20 year old is a little young for him. Howard told him that she seems very mature for a 20 year old. She was posing for Artie but he couldn't look at her. He said there was something a little pervy about a 20 year old. Howard said he's got daughters older than her but he'd bang her. Artie said that he wouldn't let the 18 year old on the Sybian the other day, now he's talking about fucking a 20 year old. Howard said this chick looks like she's 25, not just 20.
Jennifer said Howard isn't her type, he's too thin. She said that her whole family is skinny and she's terrified to be fat herself so she loves to have fat guys. She said she'd like to pin him down and just ride him. Artie was still refusing to look at this chick saying that he saw her earlier. He said that he was getting a weird vibe from her and said he'd like to see her in a month for a cleaning. No one was sure what that comment meant though.
Howard told Artie that a 20 year old isn't too young for a 39 year old. Artie didn't feel the same way though. He sounded very uptight about the whole deal. Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's sad that they have to find a woman who has a fetish for fat guys to actually get Artie a date. She said that it's not just a fetish, she likes fat guys. She said it's a very manly thing in her mind. She said that the guy she's seeing now isn't all that fat.
Jennifer said that she's a dancer, but not a stripper. She said she's just a go-go dancer down in Sayerville,, NJ at Bourbon Street. Artie knew the club and said he knows the guy that owns it. Howard asked her to get into a bikini and dance for them. Mike Gange took her out to get changed in another room. She said she'd get pissed if Sal and Richard came into the room while she was in there. Howard assured her that it wouldn't happen, they don't do that to guests.
Howard asked Artie what was wrong with him today. Artie said that these segments are just dumb. He said he's not really in a relationship, although he did get laid over the weekend. He said that he was with this girl that Howard hasn't met. He said that he rekindled something pre-Dana and it's kind of complicated. Artie said this segment is just stupid and he doesn't want to meet chicks like this. He said he'd go out with her just to shut Robin and Howard up though.
Howard said that Artie is in a different position than he is. He asked Artie what his cut off is. Artie said 24 or 25 is about right for him. He said he'd like to have a girl who is at least old enough to drink. Jennifer came back in a few seconds later and Howard said she's got a kick ass body. He figured that Artie didn't believe that she was really into him so that's why he was so bummed out during this segment.
Jennifer said that she really does like Artie and she thought that Dana didn't deserve him and he deserved better. Artie was in a mood after that and said that the whole segment was just dumb. He told her that he'd fuck her but he was just saying that to make everyone happy. Howard asked her what kind of music she likes. She said that she likes Johnny Cash, AC/DC and things like that. Artie laughed thinking that she was just saying that trying to get on his side. Howard told him to talk to her and not treat her like a shithead.
Howard said that he'd do this for any of his bros, he's trying to help Artie out. Artie said that he doesn't want to date her. Jennifer said he doesn't even know her. He said that's the way it is and that's the way he wants to keep it. Jennifer told Artie what she likes to do for fun but he didn't seem to care about that crap. He wondered how long he'd have to date her before she'd let him fuck her. Howard told her that if she had come in there as a regular guest, Artie would be all over her. She didn't get why he was being so mean to her.
Jennifer said she wants to go to a cooking school but she's saving up for that. Howard said that this was kind of sad because Artie was being so mean to her. Artie told her that this is going to be the saddest day of her life. Jennifer said she wanted to leave there with his number or something. Artie said she could have that, he gave it to Jeff the Drunk so why not her. Jennifer said she's not just one of those random girls that comes in there. Artie was still goofing on her and saying that they had nothing in common. She said he has her completely wrong though.
Artie said that he's taken about 4 of his anti-heroin pills today and he's just a miserable person today. He said he got worried last night after drinking in the afternoon so he's kind of shaky. Artie said that this chick does seem much more mature than 20. She said that she's had to do a lot of things that people don't have to do until they're into their 30s so that's probably why. She said that she has to take care of her father after his divorce bankrupted him. She had to start dancing to pay the bills after dropping out of school. She said she's got a brother but she doesn't talk to him.
Howard said that Jennifer came in there and laid it out on the line for Artie. Artie asked what she'd do if he lost some weight. She said that she'd be upset. Artie said that was funny, but also kind of cool. He said he loved that Bourbon Street place, he used to go there all the time. Jennifer said she keeps her clothes on there but she might bend over and let them put money in her boobs. She said she can also give lap dances but she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.
Richie Wilson called in from the In Demand (Howard TV) offices and said that this chick is his type and he'll gain 100 pounds just to get a date with her. Richie said that this girl is smokin hot. He said he likes her look and he'll gain the weight for her. Jennifer said that he's too skinny for her. She said she really does like fat guys. Artie wanted to know how she wanted to end this whole thing. He didn't sound like he was into it at all and was just agreeing to go out with her to shut her up.
Howard said that there's nothing wrong with this girl at all and he can't see why he won't go out with her. Artie said he was all high on the anti-heroin drug he took. He said if you take enough of them, you do get a high from them. His lips were all dry according to Howard. Artie said that the pills work on not taking water so he was kind of dry.
Artie gave Jennifer his number but then he was goofing on her about the stuff she was talking about. She was going out with friends to Whiskey Dicks and explained what they were going to be doing there. Artie went over to her and gave her his number saying that was his real number. She said Artie didn't seem into her so she wasn't sure if he really wanted her to call. He said he did give her his number, what else does she want?
Mike Gange came in and asked Artie what the fuck is wrong with him. Artie said that Gange is fat and maybe she'd like him. She said she likes guys who are fat and attractive. She said that Artie has a nice smile but had nothing nice to say about Gange. Jennifer said she's been a fan of Artie's for a while now. She said she saw his movie ''Dirty Work'' and liked that. She also said she wanted to see Beer League but she couldn't afford it.
Angry Black called in and said that this is just another chick who comes through trying to get some notice. He was on Artie's side in this whole thing. Jennifer said that she was dancing one night and went out to say hello to the guys in the crowd and one guy wouldn't let her go as he was begging her for sex and offering her money for that.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that this didn't seem like it was very smooth and it wasn't coming off right for Artie. She said she knows Howard meant well though. Howard said he didn't have to do this, he has 10,000 segments he could do and he was trying to help his buddy Artie out. Jessica asked Artie about the pills he was taking because she went through the same thing. She was taking the Subutex that Artie is taking. Artie had 8mg pills while she was only taking 2mg pills when she was on it.
Jennifer said that it's hard for her to get boyfriends. She said that the guys usually look like Mike Gange. She said that he's balding and the goatee looks lame. Gange told her to shave her bush a little better and to go get some sun. She said she's Irish so she can't get too much sun. Howard told Jennifer that she did get Artie's number, and she's very attractive. Artie said that she's very pretty. He said if he was creeped out by her, he wouldn't have given her his phone number.
Angry Black called back in and made some comments about Jennifer being a whore and things like that. Howard had to hang up on him because he was being a little too brutal with her. Artie said that if Jennifer does call him, he will call her back. He promised her that. As she was telling Howard some thing, she mentioned that she knew Bob Levy. That led to Artie saying he could see what happened there. He figured that Bob told her to call into the show and she could get on if she said she liked fat guys. Levy was there so he came in to talk about how he found out about this chick. He said she left him a message on his Myspace page and told him that he was attractive for an older guy.
Bob said he didn't tell her to get on the show by saying she was a fan of fat guys. Artie said that he still thinks that this chick is too young for him and asked her who sang a certain song and rattled off the lyrics from a Billy Joel song. She didn't know who it was. She said she knew the song but couldn't think of who it was. She thought it was Queen... or Rod Stewart.
Artie said that Levy has been gunning for him lately and he thinks it was all set up. Bob said that's not true, this chick really was attracted to big guys. He sent her mail to the show because he though that they might like her on, she didn't even want to be on the show. Artie said he was upset that he gave her his number now that he knows the Levy connection. He told her not to give that number to Levy.
Artie and Jennifer got to hug before Howard wrapped up and let her go. Artie asked why Levy was there. Bob actually drove her there so Artie was very suspicious about the whole thing.
Gary asked Bob to say where he was going to be appearing up in Canada soon. Bob had some trouble saying the name of the city so Howard was going to play a little game with Bob while he was still there. Gary was going to give a word a word and then they were going to have Jennifer guess if Bob could spell it or not. Howard said they'd give her 5 chances to win. Here are the words and how Bob spelled them:
Leslie said that these dogs are learning to hop on their back lets but they're looking to get them some kind of apparatus to help them get around. Beth said they're only 16 weeks old so they have time to learn to hop around. Leslie said that there are three dogs that are very happy together. They'd like to keep all three together. Robin was about to agree to take one but then said she can't take 3. She said she's just thinking about it and doesn't want to go out and get anything at this point.
Howard said that if you're looking for a pet, the North Shore Animal League is the place to start. He talked about how he was looking around for bull dogs for years before he actually bought one. They have a lot of problems if they're not bred properly. He said that you really have to spay and neuter these pets and if you do get a dog, keep it, don't give it to a shelter. Beth said that they have a lot of pure bred dogs at the shelters at any one time so that's not a bad place to start looking.
Leslie said that the breeder that gave up these puppies were forced to spay and neuter the dogs they had but that won't stop them from breeding in the future. Beth said that they have to make sure that these dogs are spayed and neutered very soon because they don't want them going at it. Howard said that he'd love to see that happen. Beth said ''where there's a will, there's a way...'' and talked about how crazy Howard got last night when they were screwing.
Howard asked Beth to tell Ronnie that she was freezing the other night in the limo when they didn't have the petcock turned the right way. She said she really was freezing although they were laughing as they were goofing on Ronnie about the petcock thing.
Howard brought up Beth's dress that was blowing up in the wind at the movie premiere they were at. She said she's pretty sure they didn't get any pictures of it blowing up. She said if anyone did, it was probably ''Extra'' but she works for them so it'll never come out.
Howard said he answered one question from the press that Beth thought was kind of inappropriate. He was talking about Beth sticking a pinkie in his ass or something with a network TV show. He said he was trying to give an interesting answer.
Beth got back to the puppies and said that they have one by the name of Pablo, one was Carmen and the other, who wasn't there, is Venus. That one has a soft skull so they have to be extra careful with her. They're not even sure what other problems they might have in the future. She was also saying that you should never buy a pet from a pet store because you're just buying into the puppy breeding that causes problems like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had just brought him down hearing all of this stuff. Beth thanked Howard for letting her come on the air, she wasn't even sure she was going to be on. Howard had Jeff the Vomit guy on the phone saying that he has 14 cats at home and 5 of them need to be adopted. He said he needs to get rid of those but he's not going to give them to a shelter. He said he had 3 or 4 a few years ago and then took in some strays which mated. He said he's had them all spayed and neutered since then. He said he needs some help getting the cats adopted but Howard didn't want to help him because he wasn't helping things out. Jeff said that he has gotten them all spayed an neutered though so he does care about them. He said that he has a bunch of dogs and some birds among other animals.
Howard and Leslie tried to tell Jeff that all he needed to do was call the North Shore Animal League and they could help him out. Jeff wasn't listening and kept asking dopey questions instead of just picking up the phone and calling North Shore. Howard let him go and then wrapped up with Leslie and Beth.
After Steve was done Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show rundown. He mentioned they'll be talking about Chyna's visit and Jennifer the chick who wanted to date Artie. Steve the Intern was also in to give his Intern Show preview. He said they'll have the old and new interns on the show to talk about what they can expect this semester. Howard quickly wrapped up with them and had Robin start her news.
Artie said that Jennifer was out in the hall because Levy was still there hovering around and he drove her there. He said that she's growing on him and he hugs her every time he goes out there.
Howard took a call from a woman who was rambling on and on not getting to her point so he had to hang up on her. He said he can't take those long and boring stories, if he wanted that, he'd just let Gary come in and tell one of his stories.
Howard read through some e-mail during the news. He got a lot of feedback about Eric the Midget's phone sex call yesterday. He also got some feedback about Jason Sirotin's mom being on the show. Artie went into his impression of Jason's mom and goofed on her a little bit. That led to Howard reading some e-mail about Artie talking too much during the Little Steven interview yesterday.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up a commercial they were talking about earlier for the movie ''Bug'' where they say ''It will scare the living shit out of you.'' The caller said he likes that they curse in the commercials and that's the way every commercial should be. Robin and Howard had spent a short time talking about that earlier when Howard heard it for the first time.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard was starting the show when Robin interrupted and said that Artie called both Howard and Gary Jerks on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said he heard about that and now he'll never, ever attempt to bring a girl in for Artie. He said that it's kind of hard to meet women and he thought he was going to help Artie out by bringing in that Jennifer chick. He said he would love it if someone tried to help him out like that if he needed to meet some women. He said that Fred met his wife on the show like that. He told Artie that his reaction to the whole thing was really bizarre.
Robin said that she did what she could to help Howard out with Angie Everhart not knowing that Howard had already been with him. Gary said that he has a segment set up for next week and he's wondering if he should cancel it. Gary said the woman claims to be a female Artie. Howard told him to cancel the segment, he's not having any women in on the show for Artie no matter who it is. Gary asked if Artie felt hard up when they hooked him up and let him feel Carmen Electra's boobs. Artie said ''Um, no.''
Howard played the audio from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Artie was going off on Howard for ''helping out his bro'' and getting all irritated about the whole thing. Howard told Artie that if that's the way he's going to react to someone trying to help him, he's not going to do it anymore. Artie said he could do it off the air but Howard said ''fuck that'' to him about that. Howard said if he's hard up, he'd want someone to help him out with chicks like that. He doesn't get the reaction. Howard told Artie he's gotten his wish, he's not going to meet chicks through him. Artie said that's the way he wants it.
Howard said that Fred met the woman of his dreams through the show. Fred said they're two different people. He also said that Artie is taking this stuff too seriously. He thought Artie was being vicious to that girl and it was very surprising. Artie said that this is such a stupid conversation. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that again while they talk about that stuff.
Artie said that the girl was into fat guys and that was really insulting to have her on because of that. He said he really hates stuff like that. Artie claimed he didn't use the word ''jerk'' when talking about Howard. He thought he called them suckers, not jerks.
Howard played some more audio of Artie from the Wrap Up Show where he was talking about Bob Levy and how creepy he thinks he is. He was going off on every little thing about him that he could while talking about him. Howard and Robin got a laugh out of it as they were listening to him but Artie was really brutal talking about him. He thought that Bob had something to do with setting up Jennifer to come on the show.
Howard said that some of the stuff he was saying was wrong. He didn't know them to be facts but he was just going off on Bob and Jennifer. He asked Artie what's wrong with him these days. He said there's nothing wrong. Howard told him he's never doing him a favor ever again. Artie asked if he had to come in there anymore then. He said that yesterday was just terrible. Howard said that he is a fat guy so it's not like he doesn't know that. Fred said he thought that yesterday followed a bad day after his reaction to what his mother said to him two days ago. He's very sensitive about that stuff.
Robin said that Artie is like the Roast Master there and he can't take a little ribbing. Howard said that Artie isn't the Roast Master, Bob Levy is. Robin said she just meant that he was one of the best guys at roasting there. Howard said that he would have loved it if someone tried to help him get women. He said that he used to try to get hot chicks up there any way he could in the past and he thought he was helping Artie out yesterday. If he's going to react to it that way, he's done with it. He said that it's not that fun for him to see a chick trying to hook up with him when he could have hot chicks in there who are into him instead.
Artie said that the chick has a boyfriend and that came out on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said he got a note from that guy and he was saying that he's as much her boyfriend as Artie's dates are his girlfriends. Howard told Gary he doesn't want to read any e-mails from girls who like Artie anymore. He's done with that. Artie was fine with that and said he's glad to hear that.
Artie said that he doesn't want to be anyone's ''bro'' and he thinks that ''bro'' is the gayest word he's ever heard and doesn't even know what it means. Howard said back in the 60s when you said that word, it really meant something. Howard said he uses that term a lot and it means a lot between him and his friends. He said that he won't call Artie a bro if he doesn't want to but he was doing that segment yesterday to help out a friend. He wasn't trying to humiliate anyone. Artie said that segment was all about a hot chick somehow liking an obese, disgusting guy. Howard told him that he's a baby and he should go take some more of those anti-heroin pills. Howard said Artie owes him an apology. Artie said the whole point of the segment was to point out that he's fat.
Artie said he doesn't care if he's on anyone's ''bro'' list like Howard was saying. Howard said he's off of his list and that's it. He said he has a couple of people on that list like his old friend Dr. Lou and Pat Minokia. Artie was on that list until today. Howard gave Artie a sincere ''fuck you'' for treating him like this after he tried to help him out. He wasn't kidding.
Howard said that the girls he's brought into the studio for Artie were into Artie, not just into fat guys. He brought up Fred again but Artie said that was different because it was a dial-a-date thing. Artie had referred to Howard as a pelican looking fuck at one point so Howard thanked him for that attack. He said he's done being a jerk on the air. He said that he felt close to Artie and he was really trying to help him out. Artie said he's not really friends with Howard though. Howard said he thought that they were friends but Artie said that they're not friends, they just work together. Howard said that they spend 5 hours a day talking to each other and getting into each other's heads. Artie said that it's still work and they're not friends.
Howard said that he can't believe that Artie is questioning his motives when it comes to this stuff. Artie said that everything is on the air and if he really liked him as a ''bro'' he'd do this stuff off the air. Howard said it's all for the air because he's not looking to do things off the air. Howard said that he was trying to have Artie meet these people on the air because he figured he'd be less embarrassed on the air. Artie said that Howard wanted this to be something interesting on the air. He said he had no intention to embarrass Artie on the air. Artie said he did so Howard apologized to him and said he can be assured that it will never happen again.
Artie said he would never parade a girl around as some fetish chick like Howard did to him yesterday. Howard said he'd rather screen them on the air than off the air. Artie said that he's never had a serious conversation with Howard off the air, ever. Howard said that's bull shit and he has gone to him and talked to him seriously. That led to them talking about Artie's heroin use and how Howard brings that stuff up on Letterman when he didn't want him to. Howard said he considers Artie a friend but it appears he's not thinking the same thing. Howard said he's invited Artie to his house a bunch of times while Artie has never invited him. Artie said he invited him to his house once and he was busy doing something else.
Howard told Artie that he's got something going on because he's sucking on those Subutex pills again. Artie said those were other issues he's got, they have nothing to do with this. Howard told him to go see his shrink as soon as possible if he's got that many issues.
Artie said that they can continue bringing the broads in but he's going to be uncomfortable every time. He said he'd take a bullet for Howard but both Robin and Howard interrupted him and said that's bull too. He swore he would do it though. While they were talking about that Benjy started to take his shirt off so Howard had to ask him not to make this about him.
Artie said that he knows that Howard's show is the most important thing in his life to him. He said he understands that the show is more important to him than his relationship with him. Howard said that's not true. Artie said it is true and he wishes that he could be as into something as Howard is.
Artie told Howard that he usually bites the bullet and lets the jokes about his life drop. He said the heroin song parodies really bother him and he just lets that go. Howard told Artie that he has a special bond with him and he doesn't understand why he insulted him for trying to help him out. He said he's always going to consider Artie as a brother even if he thinks that ''bro'' thing is lame. Artie told him that yesterday he was being a shitty friend to him when he embarrassed him with that chick.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he was going to have to side with Artie today. He said that if Howard saw a hot chick that Artie would be into, he could introduce Artie to her. He wondered why Howard had to do it on the air. Howard said he thought the bit would be good on the air but he also said that he'd like for people to help him out in that way. Robin said that Artie and King are missing something there. They didn't know this girl at all so that's why they did it on the air. Howard said he felt that it was just a way to meet a chick. Howard mentioned Fred's wife again but Artie said that was completely different. Howard said it's not though.
Artie said he knows Howard will bring up things on the air that he doesn't want on the air. He said the $500 whore story from Las Vegas was one of those stories. He said there was something else with Dana that he brought up on the air. Howard said he knows he's fucked up some stuff like that and he's sorry. Artie said that he'd never do that to Howard. Howard said he will usually ask Artie before he brings it up though and he wasn't looking to hurt him. Artie said the story about Dana was a big deal to him but Howard thought it was nothing because he wouldn't bring it up again.
Howard asked Artie to just talk about what the subject was that he remembered. Artie said that he told Howard that he was upset with Dana for not sticking by him through some stuff and that came up on the air. He said that was something he told him in private that he didn't want out there. Howard said he's never brought up anything else private though. Artie said the $500 hooker story was another one but Howard said that's never happened.
Gary came in and said that Jason summarizes the show and they keep a log of what happens on the show. They went back and pulled up the notes and Howard wanted to tell the story about the hooker but Howard wouldn't tell it unless Artie would give him permission. So Artie had to tell the story himself, he didn't bring it up himself.
Artie said that Howard seems to think that he hates him but he doesn't. He said no one is more dedicated to him. He said that the whole basis of this thing is that they are friend and he likes coming in every day and doing the show. Robin said he was just saying that he's not his friend a few minutes ago. Howard said that Artie has told the hooker story on other shows but Artie denied ever doing that.
Howard said he wanted to clear the air and patch up the whole thing. He said that he understands what Artie is saying and he doesn't want to be made uncomfortable on the air. He wasn't trying to do that. He did the segment because he had something interesting about a major player on the show. He apologized for doing it and that's the end of it. Artie said he doesn't mind it if they want him to sit there and get embarrassed every day. He's willing to do that. Howard said he thought that Artie would be happy to meet a chick, he didn't know. Artie said that chick wasn't even in the same league of the chicks he's going out with. Robin said he didn't have to go out with he, they were just introducing them.
Howard said he really thought he was helping to make it easier to meet a chick, that's one reason he did that for him. He said he'd like that himself so he figured Artie was like him. Since he's not, he apologized to him for doing it. Artie said the first motive for Howard is to make great radio and embarrassing him was one way to do that. Artie said that he doesn't deny the fact that they're friends. He said that he knows that Howard is more into the radio show than being his friend. Howard said that any time he sees Artie do a show, he calls him off the air and tells him how proud he is. He said that he's sincere about that and that's something that a friend does. He said he's reached out to him many times as a friend and he's not sure how to show his friendship more than that.
Howard said that maybe hanging out together in private isn't something they can do. Artie said he gets it and he knows how important the show is to him. Robin said it's like Artie is still saying that Howard knew how the segment was going to go. He didn't know if it was going to be good or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that a ''bro'' isn't someone who ridicules someone on a daily basis like Howard does. Howard said that the stuff he talks about is what Artie does, he's not saying anything that's not part of his life. Artie drinks, gambles and eats so he talks about it. Howard took some more calls and let the fans give their thoughts on this whole thing. Joey Boots called in and said that he thinks Artie is out of line with this whole thing. Joey said that he'd be honored if Howard called him a bro like he did. Artie said that was in the heat of an argument, he didn't mean it.
Howard said he had a quick story about the ''bro'' thing. He said he got a call from Dr. Lou the other day and they rarely get together. He said he's always thought of him as a bro since they were kids. He said that Lou called him and needed some help with something. He said that he can always do that with him because he'll always think of him as a bro. That's the way he thinks of Artie. Joey said that Artie even goofs on himself as being fat so he's not sure why he's getting so upset about them goofing on him about being fat. Artie said he knows that, he just can't believe that this has blown up into what it has.
Howard told Artie to never bring this up off the air. He said that he doesn't want it in his life anymore. Artie agreed and said he's happy being there and he has no desire to talk about that stuff. Robin said she thinks that Artie is on the verge of a walk out. Howard said he feels differently about Artie than he does about him. He said that even Jackie is still a bro with him even though he's fucked up in a lot of ways. He said that he still questions a lot of Jackie's shit but he's still a bro to him. Howard said he spends a lot of time with Artie and he does care about him.
Artie said that Robin was the one who threw in that ''jerk'' line at 6:01 this morning so she's trying to make it even worse. Howard said he had to take a break because he had a couple of guests there. They spent a couple more minutes going through that stuff before Howard went to break. Artie said he's never doing the Wrap Up Show again after all of this went down. He went to break a short time later.
Howard told Joey he thought that he should have won. He said that the other guys were good but not as good as Joey. He said that he thinks that Leyla Ali was given some great scores that she didn't deserve in his opinion. Joey thought that they might have given her a break because of who she was and what she's gone through.
Howard asked Joey if Heather Mills was a complete cunt back stage. He said that she was very down to Earth with him so he has no idea what people were talking about. Howard said it was kind of impressive to see her out there putting it all on the line with her one leg. Joey said it really was impressive because she was doing some amazing moves for someone with one leg.
Howard said that Joey's dance partner was hot but her face wasn't quite as great as Apollo's was. He asked him if there was any chemistry going on between Apollo and that chick. Joey wasn't sure about that but he said their chemistry seemed to get even stronger as the show went on. Howard asked Joey if he ever popped a rod with his chick. Joey said that never happened even though he was basically humping her while dancing. He said he did rub on her a bit but he wasn't getting aroused.
Joey said that he was up around 235 pounds when he started out on the show but he's lost quite a bit. He said it's amazing how much you can lose. He started doing Nutri-System when he started out and lost 6 pounds right off the bat. He said he's down to a 33-34 waist after being up at a 36.
Howard talked to Joey about being in N Sync and what it was like when Justin Timberlake broke up the band. Joey said it wasn't really like that, they just split up to do their own thing and they all supported each other. He said he did pretty well in the band and he doesn't have to rush back to working like that at this point. He said they're trying to get back together at some point. Howard asked him if he considers the group a bunch of ''bros'' referring back to the Artie conversation. Joey said he would think of them like that.
Howard asked Joey about the N Sync thing and how Justin Timberlake was involved with Britney Spears. He said that she was pretty normal back then. He said she needs to get her head straight now though. Howard talked to him about now nutty she seems to be these days. Joey said he stays in touch with Justin and most of the other guys from the band. Artie asked him if he knew that Lance Bass was gay when he was in the band. Joey said he kind of walked in on him with a ''friend'' of his one time and it was kind of awkward. He said that he didn't care though, he's his bro and he doesn't care what he does. Artie said it must have been Lance ''sitting with a guy... watching a Mets game...'' Howard said that when you see a guy who claims to be saving himself for marriage, he's probably gay.
Howard asked Joey about the chicks he's been with. He read that he was with Chyna Doll. Joey said that wasn't true. He asked her to do a part in a movie and hugged her one time so that led to people saying that he banged her. Howard read that Joey had banged some porn stars too but Joey denied that. Kendra Jade made that claim so Joey said she's kind of nutty and he never did her.
Howard asked Joey if he was upset that he didn't win the Dancing with the Stars thing. He said he was okay with it even though he wanted to win. He said his daughter was very upset about it though. Howard changed subjects again and asked him about how he got into the band. Joey said that he got in when he was only about 17-18 years old. He got a lot of money from that and then moved out of his parents house and spent about half a million on a Star Wars room for himself. He said he had to take it all with him when he moved out of that place.
Joey said he's kind of geeky and owns one of the Knight Rider K.I.T.T. cars. He said that he paid about $30,000 for it but put a lot more money into it fixing it up. He said he actually drives it around like a geek. Howard asked Joey if it was true that John Ratzenberger was an asshole back stage at Dancing with the Stars. He said that he was fine and seemed to enjoy the show.
Howard heard that Joey was on The View yesterday and saw the Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck meltdown. Howard said he'd play the audio from that later on. He asked him how crazy that was. Joey said it really was wild watching it back stage there at the show. Howard said he gets the feeling that Rosie really does hate Elisabeth and it came out yesterday.
Artie asked Joey if he was considered a professional dancer because he was in the band and danced. Joey said it's a different type of dancing and he really didn't consider himself a pro. Howard started to wrap up with him a short time later. He took a quick call from Wood Yi (audio clips, who was making a bunch of gay comments about him. Joey told him he had the wrong guy with that stuff. Howard asked him again about the chick he was dancing with and if he whacked off thinking about her. Joey said he doesn't look at her that way, she's more like a sister to him.
Howard asked Joey if he watched American idol last night. Joey said that he missed it so Howard talked about how Joey Perry from Aerosmith showed up there and did a jam with Sanjaya. He said it was crazy bad, but not on Joe's part. He said that he now agrees with Artie about Bruce Springsteen not going on the show because it does come off so cheesy. He said that Green Day was there performing and they did a cover of a lame song. Artie said that Joe Perry is the wrong direction for that show to be going in. He said he must have looked ridiculous.
Howard wrapped up after that and said you can get tickets to the Dancing with the Stars tour at Ticketmaster. He went to break right after that.
Joe said that he used to come on the show with a woman on his arm every time he came on but not more. Joe told Howard how good he's looking so Howard told him he's looking good to. Howard asked him if he's heard from Eddie Murphy yet. Joe told him to stop, every time he comes on the show he feels like he's going to have a good time but then they bust his balls.
Robin remembered the last time they saw Joe and it was at a New Year's party. They spent a minute talking about that. Then Howard got into the babysitter thing and played Joe's ''Kimberly'' song that he performed on a show many years ago. Howard played that song many times over the years so Joe was asking for residuals from the song. Joe was talking over it and asking Fred to do the impression. Howard cut the song off because Joe didn't want to hear it. Howard sang a couple of words from it and then asked him about the divorce. Joe said he really can't talk about that.
Joe said that he still hangs out with Kimberly and things are okay now. He said his son is all grown up and working on Broadway. He said that he and Kimberly are still getting along well enough to go out to movies and stuff. He can't talk about the sex or anything like that now though. He's got a lawyer there with him who won't let him talk about that.
Howard asked Joe about Kimberly's father since he was the ''evil force'' keeping him from her in the song he sang about Kimberly. Joe said that he should play the song as he's walking out of the courtroom after the divorce is final. Howard asked him if he's going to be okay financially. Joe said he can't talk about any of that stuff because his lawyer told him not to.
Howard said that Joe basically married his son's babysitter. As he was talking about that Joe cut him off and said that it was actually a good story. He said he was actually dating someone else and things just happened to work out with him and Kimberly. He said that she did baby sit his son but she wasn't babysitting him at the time he started dating her. He said he can understand why the father-in-law was kind of worried about them being together back then. He said that they get along now and everything is amicable.
Howard asked Joe how long he waited to go out and get laid after he and Kimberly called it quits. Joe said that was a great question but he really can't get into it. He claims that he's still a post-marriage virgin. He said he can't talk about it even if he did. He said that he and his wife are officially separated so he can't say he banged anyone because that would be considered adultery. Joe said that he believes in the whole sacrament of marriage and he never messed around, ever. He said he had a lot of opportunities to do it but he never did. Joe said he has fallen in love though. He said he has a friend, just a friend...
Joe tried to get Howard off track by talking about Artie but Howard got right back to it. He asked him about his new girlfriend who is 31 years old. Howard said that means that she must have been in elementary school when he met Kimberly. Joe laughed and asked him to stop it. Howard said he knew that Joe was going to break up with Kimberly the last time he saw them because Kimberly had gotten a little older. He said Joe likes the younger women.
Joe said that Kimberly has a boyfriend now and he's got a friend so they're doing just fine. Howard asked Joe what really happened and how long he had to wait to find a woman. Howard said he only waited about a day before he went out and banged a chick after getting divorced. He said that he never cheated on his wife. He said that they still get along just fine and talk.
Howard asked Joe how long he really waited. Joe said that it was months and months before he started dating. He said he was told not to say exactly what went on. He asked Howard what went on with him and how long it really took him to start dating. Howard said that it was probably minutes after the papers were signed. Joe said that he remembers seeing women when he was married that he'd love to be with but he wouldn't go there when he was married.
Howard told Joe that he will never become the governor of New Jersey so he doesn't have to worry about talking about this stuff. He can't be the governor after marrying his babysitter. Joe said he's got kids who are 8, 4 and 2 years old and he won't bring the new women around them yet. He said it's still too early.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that Joe was with a hot blonde at an event he saw him at recently. The guy said that Joe still looks good these days although he looks like he's only 5'4'' tall. The guy said he was the only one who noticed him at the event so that shows where his career has gone.
Another caller said that he's been a fan of Joe's for years and asked him if he's going to replace Artie if he leaves the show. He got a laugh out of that. Howard gave Joe some plugs for some things he's going to be doing. He's going to be hosting the Addy awards on June 9th. He said you can find out more at JoePiscopo.com. Joe said he's having a great time doing what he's doing these days.
Howard said that Joe has written a new song about marriage so he played Sal's song ''My Wife'' where he sings about cracking his wife in the skull and throwing her in the trash. Joe kept saying that wasn't him and asking who sang the song.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and asked Joe to talk about his living arrangements. He said it shows that he's cool with the kids. Joe said he lives in a hotel out in Jersey. He said he gets room service and a maid and all so things are good. Artie said he was feeling bad for Joe and wanted to have him stay at his apartment. He felt bad for him. Joe said the judge gave him the house and temporary custody of the kids. He gave the house to Kimberly and got joint custody. He said he wants to make sure things settle down with the kids and then live right next door to them if he can. Joe said that he has the kids this week and he'll be taking care of all of them himself, even at his age. Howard asked Joe what he does when he's fucking his new girlfriend. Joe said that he's abstinent at this point, he's not with anyone else. His time is spent just with the kids and he gives them his full attention.
Joe told a story about taking his kids with him everywhere he goes. He said he asked this one woman at a casino he was working at if she could help him find a nanny and he got a call from a guy who told him that with his history, that was inappropriate. He said that was quite a blow to him.
Joe asked Howard about Beth and if she's going to want to have kids. Howard said she doesn't want any kids at this time but you never know if she's going to change her mind. Howard spent a few more minutes with Joe and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard went on to play a new phony phone call that Sal and Richard made to a public access show called ''Community Cop.'' He said that it was a bunch of black guys talking. Richard calls in and tells the guys that he agrees with what they're saying and keeps repeating himself over and over again. They hang up on him and he calls right back and does the same thing. They hang up again so Sal calls in and agrees with the last caller who agreed with them and agreed with all of that. Richard called back in again and did the same thing but they hung right up on him. Sal called in and did his black voice and did it again. They eventually go to music because they're the only ones calling in.
Howard said that Jon Hein put together a Beatles special for next week. He said that he went and found any Beatles stuff they've done on the show over the years and put it into a special. He started to talk about that but then talked about how he accidentally broke his Friday Morning Quarterback award that they gave him. He said he felt really bad about it too because he really liked it.
Howard said that their former radio station, which is now Free FM, is going back to music. He said he can kind of understand it because they have to try and get the ratings back up. He said that they have a whole station of impersonators now and the station is a complete failure. He said he kind of feels good about that.
Howard got back to the Beatles special thing. He said that one of the things they'll have is Sean Lennon calling in and cursing up a storm on K-Rock. Howard said Tom had to hit the button more times during that interview than any other. Howard played a clip from that where Sean was using the F-word over and over again. Sean didn't know that the government controlled radio.
Howard played another clip where Ringo Starr was on the show and Vinnie Favale had come in and told some stories, interrupting Ringo's stories. That led to Artie talking about how great it was when he got to meet Paul McCartney just a few short months after starting there. Howard played some more clips from the special like one where Stone Temple Pilots covered a Beatles song. He said they also have Scott the Engineer singing a Beatles song in a Karaoke thing they did on the show one time.
Howard said they have a lot of these specials coming up over the next few years. They'll take the fans all over the place with that stuff.
The intern, Kevin, was there so Howard had him come in. He wanted to talk to him about what was going on there. He told Kevin that he wasn't joking about this stuff. He told Kevin that from now on there's a ''Kevin rule'' and anyone who asks for breakfast, they have to pay up front. Sal was also in there saying he wanted to say something before he talked. Howard told him to be quiet and told them about this new rule.
Howard told Sal that he's not that busy back there to pay this kid. Sal said he knows that and he loves this kid. He said he would cut him a check for $500 if he wanted. He said that Kevin is an incredible guy and sometimes he doesn't come in and ask for the money. Howard said he was full of shit and he knows he owes the kid the money. Howard said he should remember that he didn't pay him the next day. Kevin said he didn't remember if he had done that.
Howard said that Sal is a cheap fuck. He said he's going to pay Kevin himself and told Sal to get out of there. Sal said he wanted to give the kid the money himself but Howard pulled out $400 and offered it to Kevin. Kevin said he should keep on top of it and he's not even sure exactly how much money he's spent. Sal said he wanted to give him the money himself.
Gary asked Kevin who else hasn't given him money. Kevin said that Scott is really good at paying back, Richard is good at paying him on time... He said that it's happened a couple of times with everyone. He said that everyone he's gotten breakfast for has stiffed him a couple of times. Gary said that he pays him every time and pays him in advance at least a week sometimes. He said no intern should have to take out his own money for sending like that.
Howard heard that Sal is cheap with Jon Hein who drives him home from work every day. Sal said that he's offered to pay for gas and stuff like that. He's also taken Jon out to dinner a couple of times to pay him. Gary said that Benjy told him that Jackie owed him like a thousand dollars for breakfast. Benjy said he always pays in advance because his situation was similar to Kevin's. He said that he understands what goes on because he had the same problem. He said if he had figured it all out with Jackie, he's sure that he would have paid him for what he owed. Howard joked that Jackie paid Benjy back in jokes.
Howard said that Judd also wrote and directed a bunch of movies and also did some TV shows. Judd said that he did ''Freaks and Geeks'' and ''Undeclared'' and other things and realized that all of the projects he was doing were losing other people millions of dollars.
Howard said that Judd actually interviewed him when he was 15 years old. He said that Judd called and asked him to do an interview back then when they were at WNBC and he actually did it with him. Judd said he did that with a lot of people like Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno and a bunch of others. He said they were all on before they had their big shows though. Howard was the biggest dick of everyone according to Judd. He said that he couldn't believe he got 10 seconds but he only got 4 minutes of an interview. He actually had some tape of that interview. It was from 1983 or 1984. Howard said it had to be 1982.
Howard played the audio where Judd asked Howard about his philosophy about his show and how it was pretty loose already. Howard said it was going to get looser and looser and they were just trying to be themselves. Howard told Judd that NBC would get uptight about the stuff he did on the air and they'd suspend him. Howard said he eventually blows Judd off in the interview. Howard said he didn't know the guy was going to grow up and be somebody. He played the end of the interview where he blows Judd off after doing a few minutes with him. Judd was asking Howard about his guests and Howard was giving him short answers and eventually just said he had to run and thanked him for the call.
Howard was pretty polite and said he gave Judd more time than he gave Gary's dinner party. Howard asked Judd why he didn't make him appear in any of his films. He asked Judd what his problem is with his acting. Judd asked him what's going on with his movie career. Howard said he's got a lot going on there on SIRIUS. He said if he wrote him something funny, he might just work for him. Judd didn't think he'd be interested. Howard said that he gets stuff from a bunch of hacks, if Judd wrote him something, he might actually do it.
Howard said that Judd has 9 films in development and he's got this new movie ''Knocked Up'' coming out on June 1st. Howard read that Judd was actually doing stand-up comedy for a while and he was actually roommates with Adam Sandler for a while. He had Rob Schneider and David Spade living right nearby as well. Judd said that he was friends with him right around the time that Adam was blowing up into a huge star. He said he wasn't much of anything at the time and didn't have the charisma that Sandler did.
Judd said that he'd watch people like Jim Carrey doing their thing on stage and he knew that he could never be like them. He and Howard talked about how there are a lot of people who just hang on to their comedy careers way too long. Judd says that Adam Sandler would make prank calls while they were just sitting around. He said that he was obsessively making phony phone calls in a way to amuse himself and others. He said he would make a call to a credit card company and tell them that he had been robbed in a violent robbery and he'd keep them on for a long time just jerking them around. He said he recorded some of them and still has some on tape.
Judd said that Adam would call up a comedy club and complain about the comedians there just to jerk them around. Judd said he'd call up as a woman claiming that the comedian had said that he'd told her that her husband had no cock and jerk them around. Artie said that's the kind of stuff that Adam did in his early albums. Judd said that Adam would even make the prank calls when he was home alone, with no audience.
Howard said it sounds like Judd was hanging out with the right people back then because he was friend with Ben Stiller. Judd said that he was with him when they got the show at FOX and got put up against ''60 Minutes.'' He said they knew they were going to fail up against that show so they had jokes about being canceled in the promos for the show.
Judd said he worked for Roseanne Barr for a year and it was kind of weird. He said they had to think about what a 40 year old woman would talk about. He remembered writing a joke about stretch marks and things like that back then. He said he remembered Tom Arnold saying something to Roseanne as a joke when she asked him if she wanted her to get implants. Tom said he married her the way she looks so he obviously didn't care about looks and that made Roseanne snap. He said she kicked them out of the room and they heard things being thrown around for a few minutes. He said they were called back into the room a short time later and Tom had a 4 finger sized gash across his head. Judd said they were asked if they thought Tom was joking around. The other guy said he did so Roseanne said he was just trying to get the shot for this special they were shooting and ran out of the house they were at. Judd said 10 minutes later they'd be acting like nothing ever happened, it was crazy.
Judd told another story about how Roseanne was asked to lunch with Jesse Jackson and Tom wouldn't let her go because he thought that Jesse was going to fall in love with her. Judd said he got paid very well back then and was living the high life. He said that Roseanne was really funny and treated him very well at that time.
Howard asked Judd about working on The Larry Sanders Show because he was there when he did the show. Judd said he remembers listening to Howard's show the next day to hear what he thought about the whole thing. He said he was the ''butt boy'' who was hanging around Gary the whole day they were shooting it. Howard said he didn't know what was going on back then and didn't know who anyone was. He did remember Gary trying to figure out why he'd be eating yogurt in the scene and spending way too much time thinking about it. Howard said he loved that show.
Howard said that Judd has done a lot of TV shows over the years and they get critically acclaimed. He said that ''Freaks and Geeks'' was like that. Judd said he thought that show was going to be huge but he was wrong about that. Howard also saw his wife, Leslie Mann, who was very attractive in the picture he saw.
Howard talked to Judd about some of the chicks he's done over the years. Judd said he was with this really hot chick one time and he only lasted about 5 seconds before he was done. He said it's very embarrassing to do that. They also talked about Judd's wife and how hot she is. Judd said that she's beautiful and hilarious too.
Howard asked Judd about this new movie of his and Judd gave him a quick rundown of what it was about. They have some other movies coming out like ''Superbad'' that's coming out later this summer. Robin said she saw a preview of that movie and it looks like another Napoleon Dynamite type of movie. Judd said the movie is very dirty and hilarious and they were trying to get it made for 8 years. He said they finally got it done. He said he always thought the movie would be great but it was so dirty that he never thought they'd make it. Howard told Judd he's very happy and proud of him as a fellow Long Islander.
Howard gave Judd a plug for this new movie, and even for ''The 40 Year Old Virgin'' because he liked that so much. Artie said he loved the poster they had for that movie because it was a close up picture of this nerdy guy who looked like he could be a 40 year old virgin. Judd said that they had a publicist who did that poster and it made the movie look like it really wouldn't suck.
Judd was telling Howard that Steve Martin was a big inspiration for him. He said that he saw Steve Martin outside of his house when he was about 12 years old one time. He said he asked for a pen to get an autograph and ran up to him and asked. Steve said that he couldn't do that at his house, otherwise people would come up and ask him for autographs. He said he didn't know why he was like that back then but now he realizes why he didn't do it. Judd said he actually wrote a note to Steve telling him how bummed out he was about the whole thing. A few months later he got a book and a note from him saying that he didn't know that he was ''Talking to The Judd Apatow'' so he figured that made his life because he must have made Steve laugh. Howard said he got to go to dinner with Steve Martin one time and it was huge for him.
Howard wrapped up with Judd and gave him some more plugs for ''Knocked Up'' and then went to break.
Howard said that Jerry Springer has been in the audience at American Idol a bit too much this season. Robin said that's because they have a tie in to ''America's Got Talent'' and they're doing some cross promotion there. Howard said he didn't know that but it's still disturbing. He also said that Teri Hatcher being there was also kind of disturbing. David Hasslehoff was there too and he obviously isn't embarrassed about his video where he's drunk laying on the floor.
Howard said it was really embarrassing to see Joe Perry on American Idol playing for Sanjaya. Robin wanted to know what the reason was for him to be there. Howard said he thinks he just enjoys working with anyone but Steven Tyler for a few minutes. He probably thought it would be funny. Howard also brought up Kelly Clarkson and how bad she was. He said that Carrie Underwood was really good though. He said the show lasted for like 2 hours and 20 minutes or so. Beth was out doing some other stuff and he watched the show alone.
Howard said that he gets kind of resentful with Beth but he thought about how he was going to be going out with Ross and his friend this week. He said that Beth was going to a fashion show thing for Sarah Jessica Parker and then to some other event for Billy Joel's wife. He said he does still get kind of resentful thinking about that stuff. Artie said he had to back out of going to a Yankee game last night because he was too exhausted to go.
Howard said he doesn't mind missing stuff, but when his hot girlfriend is going out alone, he feels like he's missing out on that. Howard said that he was watching ''Lost'' last night and it was another big disappointment for him even though he hasn't finished watching it yet. He said they don't answer any questions in the show. Robin said if you have to watch it until the last 10 minutes, it's not worth it.
Howard said he was up until 11 o'clock and had to take an Ambien because he wasn't able to fall asleep. Robin said she couldn't stay up to watch Lost so she watched ''Heroes'' instead. She thought it was pretty good but not all that great.
Howard played some audio of Bette Middler singing ''My Hero'' on American Idol last night and she sounded pretty bad. Howard said she wasn't really horrible, but she had lost some of the highs and didn't impress him. He played some of Kelly Clarkson's performance and picked her apart on that. Robin didn't think that Joe Perry was very good playing with her either.
Howard had Mike get into his game a short time later so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard and Robin picked story 2 as the fake one, Artie went with story 4 while Fred stuck with 1. The actual false story was number three.
Artie said that he probably will be leaving the show in January. He said that he has to dry out and go hide in Europe or something. He said that this has nothing to do with the FOX deal or anything. He said he went to the doctor and he scared the shit out of him. He said that he's totally burned out and needs to take a break. Howard asked him what was up with that and Artie said that he might go to rehab even though he's not abusing anything right now. He said that he's burnt out and needs a break. He might have to take 6 months off and just take a break from everything.
Artie said that if he got his head straightened out, he thinks he could be happy working in a deli or something. Artie said that he's not really leaving the show, he's leaving show business. He said he feels like he's dying now. Howard said that he's going to feel the same way in 6 months and he's going to go mental if he's on the show or not. Artie said he has to go search for the peace that he's never been able to find.
Howard told Artie he could just work on himself now, by going to a psychiatrist while he's working. Howard said that going to Europe isn't going to help him out. Artie said that he feels like he's going to burst and he needs to ''dry out'' by not going on the road and not working for a while. He said he has an open canvas right now and there's nothing keeping him around at this point.
Howard told Artie that he could force himself to go to therapy four days a week while he's still working and do what he thinks he could do by going to Europe. He said that Artie will not change if he goes to Europe. He said he's still going to be the same Artie Lange. Robin said that she was near having a nervous breakdown at one point and she had to go to therapy but she was able to keep working. Artie said that working on this show is a sacrifice for him and he really can't continue to make that sacrifice. He has to stop and enjoy his life. He wants to be able to go to a Yankee game on a Tuesday night if he wants to.
Robin said that she was on the phone with a guy last night who is coming to New York to detox her because she feels unhealthy. That's not going to stop her from working though. Artie said that some of this friends told him that he was going to last 3 weeks there on Howard's show. He knew they were wrong but now he thinks it's time to call it quits for a while. He said he has to sit down and assess his life.
Artie said that he may only need a month off, maybe 6, he's not sure. A caller asked Artie if he's a diabetic or something. Artie said he's on the verge of being one. He said that scares him. He said he's gone through these horrible cycles of drugs and depression over the years. He said that if he does drop dead, he'll try to do it on the air. Howard told him that whatever he decides to do is fine with him. He said if he needs 6 months to do his thing, he can do it. He said he would suggest that he try to get therapy before he goes running off to Europe though.
Artie said that he lives a certain lifestyle and to keep it going he has to go on the road and work comedy clubs. He said that he has to get out of this vacuum he's stuck in right now. He said it all feels like a weight on him that he can't get rid of. Howard said he's sad to hear him saying this but he understands. Artie said he hasn't given a shrink the full try yet so maybe he will do it.
Artie said he was going to really think about this when the July vacation rolls around. Robin said she can't take this and she's quitting too. Artie said he may have said this pre-maturely and he's got some things to think about. Howard told him that he's got an appointment with his shrink today and he was going to cancel. Then he said that he hates going to the shrink but when he goes, he feels much better and he's able to manage the shit in his life better. He said that he's had a gun in his mouth two times in his life and the fact of the matter is that everyone has their own shit to deal with. He said that if Artie were at a shrink now and told him he came to that conclusion that radio wasn't making him happy, he'd be okay with it. He said he'd say okay either way.
Howard said that he knows deep down in his heart that whatever the surroundings are, he's going to be miserable. He said maybe work is too much for him and maybe he'd be better if he did run off to Europe. He told him to please give the shrink a try before leaving the show though. He said it's made him a better person and he has to do that for himself, his kids and everyone else around him.
Artie said that he was going to save this announcement until July but it came out a little early. He said that he has to think about a lot of shit before he makes the official announcement though. He said that he thinks that if Artie left and went off to some farm, he's still going to have that angst no matter where he goes. He said that Artie will come to the right conclusion no matter what he does. Artie said he's had a blast doing the show but he's fallen into this black hole of shit health over the years.
Artie said that the only thing that keeps him from madness is going home and realizing that he was funny on the show. Howard told him that if he wants to leave, he'll have a nice farewell party for him. Artie said that if he goes off to do another show and doesn't have the creative freedom he has there, he's going to go nuts. He said that right now he's part of something really special and that's what makes him go on. Howard told him he'd do fine outside of this show, he's got talent. He said that his happiness isn't going to change though. He would be miserable on the show or off.
Artie said that when he was doing The Norm Show he was making great money and having a great time doing it but creatively he was empty. Right now on this show it's the funniest thing ever and he has a lot of freedom. He said that the stand-up comedy stuff is killing him too and he really has to put a stop to that. He said that he's coming up on 40 years and the stand-up thing has to stop. He said it's really hard doing that stuff with his schedule now. Howard said that maybe therapy would help him decide on all of this stuff. Artie said that the only thing that keeps him from madness is that he's on this legendary show every day. He doesn't want to drop dead doing it though. Howard said he had to take a break but Robin said she was leaving because today's show was too emotional. Even Artie was getting kind of teary eyed during all of this.
Howard gave the letter that Jennifer sent to Artie to read. He read through the letter and she claimed that she gets mistaken for Lindsay Lohan all the time and she just wanted to meet Artie. She says she's immensely aroused by fat men but Artie didn't like that. He doesn't like that they brought this fat fetish chick in to meet him the way they did. Howard told him to calm down over there and told him he was just trying to help get him laid.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest show ever and he doesn't want Robin leaving. He said he doesn't want to see Joe Piscopo on the Daily Show for Howard TV today, he wants to see Artie and Howard killing each other.
Howard told Gary to line up Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Attel to take over for Artie. Gary asked Howard who he thinks will call him first trying to get Artie's job. Someone threw out Jackie's name so Howard went into his Jackie impression and goofed on him for a short time. Artie said it would be great if Howard finished out his career with Jackie there. Fred got in on it and did his Jackie laughs as Howard was doing his impression. After hearing all of that Artie said that he might have to talk to Jackie about what happens when they leave the show. Gary said the guys wanted to pull Artie's roast of Jackie where he was telling Jackie ''I can't get up early... Wah!''
Howard said he could hear Jackie talking about coming back on the show and what that might be like. He did that for a couple of minutes before going to break. Artie said he felt like he was going to have a heart attack after all of that stuff.
Howard had Jon Hein run down the stuff he was going to cover on The Wrap Up Show today. He said that all of those other guests today are nothing compared to what went on with Howard and Artie. He said they'll talk about that big story today.
Rev. Bob Levy called in so Howard put him on. Bob said he loves Artie and he's the last one to want to see Artie leave the show. He said that no one could ever replace Artie and no one ever should. He hopes to get him into therapy and keep him on the show.
Mutt called in and said that they're going to drop everything they had planed for Superfan Roundtable today and talk about Howard and Artie. He said that the gun in the mouth thing with Howard was big news. Howard said that he has actually contemplated that but he found out he's a big coward. He said he's had some dark times in his life and people should try living with a one inch penis. Robin said she had the shakes right now from all of this stuff. She said she was emotionally shocked by it all.
Howard and Artie threw around some names for his replacement. Artie said that Doug Stanhope would be good but Howard said Greg Fitzsimmons would also be good. Artie said that this stuff never ends because this is going to keep going even on the Superfan Roundtable. Mutt told Artie to take care of himself after saying that they're going to spend the whole show talking about him. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she can't imagine Artie leaving the show after getting on and living his dream. Artie said that's what he wants to know and he has to deal with whatever problem that is by taking some time off. Howard said he just wants Artie to be happy and whatever he has to do to get there is fine with him.
Robin got back to her news and read through a bunch of stories. She wrapped up and Howard was about to end the show but Ralph called in and told Artie that he really needs to get therapy. He said that he should have been thrilled that a 20 year old wanted to fuck him. Artie said he can't learn anything from a 20 year old though. Ralph also told Howard he was busting Artie's balls a little bit too much too though.
Howard told Artie he'll be fine with whatever he decides to do. Artie said that he's been with the show for a long time and it really might be time for him to leave. Howard told Ralph that this was the wrong time to call in with this stuff. He said it was 11:13 and he was up late last night watching TV. He ended the show at about 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show talking about watching Letterman the other night when Drew Barrymore was on. He said that she looks like she's gained a few pounds and it wasn't real complimentary to her face. He said she's really got to watch that because she's known for being good looking, not for being a great actress. He said that all of these people are running around with movie deals and stuff and he's not sure why that is.
Howard said Letterman did this ad-lib on the show that was pretty funny. He said there was this old man on the show who started to walk off in the middle of this commercial free show and Dave ran over and caught him to put him back in the chair saying that was the first time in the show's history that someone tried to make a break for it to get off the show.
Howard talked about how lame Drew Barrymore's interview was. She told a lame story about going on vacation and Dave wasn't able to work with her that well to make her entertaining. He said he's had the same problems with people like Bobcat Goldthwait. He said the guy thinks he's interesting but he's really not and he has to work with him to entertain his audience. He said guys like that need to get in touch with themselves and realize that they're not that interesting.
Howard said Dave did a bit that was pretty funny on the show last night where he went out on the street to interview people. He said he ended up playing Twister with a guy who had his shirt off and that was pretty funny. He said the show was good but not so much that Robin missed much of anything.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought up Howard's conversation about Tupac Shakur last week and made fun of him. Howard told her he wasn't making fun of him, he was making fun of some guy who uses a name similar to his. He told her she was dopey and possibly a retard. She said that Howard was talking about him but she doesn't remember what he said exactly. Howard said that's because he didn't say anything. He went off on her saying that she needs to fix her grammar because she sounds very stupid.
Howard told the caller to go get a life, go to night school and correct her grammar. She said she's a receptionist at a doctor's office so Howard made fun of the way she talks and said he'd never go to that doctor's office if she was working there. He hung up on her a short time later.
Howard said he sees all of these shows where people can't speak English. He knows he's not the best with his grammar but he has the basics down. He said she said ''You was talkin' about...'' when she was explaining something and he knows that she's not an immigrant, she grew up in this country.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard a couple of questions. He asked if he'd rather see OJ Simpson or Scott Ginsberg burn. He also asked if he thinks that Blacks are more inferior than other people. Howard said that he'd like to see Scott Ginsberg burn because he's in the middle of suing him and he's worse than OJ ever was. He also said that he doesn't believe that blacks are inferior. The caller kept going with his racist comments so Howard let him go.
Howard took another call from a guy who told Howard he should go commercial free sometime. Howard said that Tom Chiusano would have a heart attack if they did that. He also talked about how he hasn't been talking to Tom lately because he's impossible to work with. The caller was also talking about Imus and how he seems to be ripping him off these days. Howard said that's right because there's nothing original about that guy. He wondered what it must be like for these guys who want to be him. He said that everyone wants to be him except for himself.
Howard said he could hear radios turning off down there in West Palm Beach. He did an impression of some southern accent people calling in to complain about his show. Howard said he's not sure if they're set up to take phone calls from them down there. He said Tom drags his feet on getting them a phone number to call into. They can't get an 800 number for everyone to call into thanks to Tom. He said they have new phone lines coming in about 2 months from now but they don't have them now.
Gary said that they told him that they're going to get new equipment when they move to the new studio. Howard said he's got a radio show that he's doing now and he needs that stuff to keep the show running smoothly. He said he had to fight with them just to get a new phone system and even that was a nightmare.
Howard said he hates Tom Chiusano more than he hates Scott Ginsberg. He said that he needed some help with something but Tom wasn't doing anything to help. He talked about Tom and his collection of old radios in his office. He figured that Tom didn't come up with that idea himself, he probably saw someone else who did that and just copied them. He went off on him for a little longer before he said he had to take another break.
Robin asked Howard what he was talking to Teri Hatcher about the other day when they were talking in private. Howard said she asked him to do her a little favor and he did it. He said she was looking good too. He said he's hoping that something happens with her but if it does, Robin will never know. He said he thinks she's be a lousy lay though. He said he'd put her right down at the bottom of his list if he had the choice of Jenna Jameson, Amy Lynn and Teri Hatcher. He said he'd do them in that order. He had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from Fadima who is this woman who has called into the show before and yelled at Howard about things. She's the ''It doesn't matta!'' caller. She told Howard that she didn't win the F-Emmy yesterday but she wanted to correct them. She's not from Haiti, she's from South Africa. Howard said as long as they had her on the phone, they should replay her ''It doesn't matta!'' phone call. He played the clip a few seconds later. She and Howard were arguing about something on the phone when she kept repeating that infamous line over and over again.
Fadima was pretty calm before Howard played that audio clip but when Howard said that he was right in that argument, she started to get irritated again and started telling Howard that ''it doesn't matta'' again. Howard asked her if he was right or not and asked her why she has to be so stubborn. Howard and Fadima went at each other for a couple more minutes. They were talking over each other and arguing about a bunch of different things. Fadima wouldn't listen to Howard and kept telling him to let her say something. Howard would cut her off and say that all she does is say something and doesn't let him get in a word.
Howard told her to go back to Africa since she didn't seem so happy being here in the States. He told her that she must be woozy from malaria. He told her that he had a rough time growing up and he doesn't have it as easy as she seems to think he does. He told her to go back to her country and suck out a monkey brain with a straw. He asked her to let him ask a question and not talk over him. He went on to ask her why she would come to this country and let herself be repressed by the white man if she didn't like that. Fadima said that she had to leave her country when she was 21 because things were so bad over there.
Howard said he still didn't understand her argument and asked her if she hates the American blacks more than her own people. She said she doesn't but Howard said he thinks she's lying about that. Howard asked her if she lives with her husband because he finds it hard to believe that anyone could live with her. He said that she should be married to OJ because he'd fix her right up. She broke down and laughed when she heard that. Howard let Fadima go and said that just wore him out.
Howard had Gary sing his song a short time later. Gary screwed up and played the wrong music at first so he had to get that straightened out. He performed the song parody about himself which was to the tune of ''Sittin On The Dock of the Bay.'' Howard went to break before giving out the awards.
Howard moved on to the next category and played the next batch of clips. Here's the next group:
Howard asked Henry how many people he figures he whacked. Henry claims he didn't whack any. He said he was there when some people were killed but he never killed anyone himself. Howard said his laugh is very scary and he can't imagine being there as they're about to whack someone. Howard said it must be really freaky when they kill someone who they really weren't supposed to. Henry said that happened a few times.
Howard asked what the best way to kill someone is. Henry said that an ice pick to the back of the skull is the easiest and cleanest way to whack someone. He said it doesn't screw the windshield up and it's pretty clean. He said it's pretty instantaneous when you do it too. Henry told Howard that the F-Emmy was very nice but Howard got right back to the ice pick discussion. Henry was saying that some guys will try to knock the windshield out with their feet when they're getting whacked. Howard asked him if they leave the ice pick in the guy's head. Henry said you do that and you wear latex gloves so your finger prints don't get on the pick.
Howard told Henry to give his acceptance speech after that. He didn't get a chance to because Howard was asking him about the best way to kill a guy. Henry said that the ice pick is the best but a 22 to the back of the head, right behind the ear is another way. He described that procedure to Howard and gave him the details. Howard asked him to make that acceptance speech again so Henry thanked a few people for helping out with various things. Henry also said he's got a few projects in the works and they could possibly be better than ''Goodfellas.''
Howard asked Henry to demonstrate his ice pick move with the guys who were there. Henry demonstrated how he would do it with a friend of his who was there in the room with him. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin asked how they became friends with him, they have the weirdest friends. Howard said he's not sure how that happened. He said it would be funny if he took that F-Emmy and beat some guy over the head with it.