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Howard started off the show by taking a phone call from this guy Hanzi. He asked if he had read the last issue of Time Magazine where they had the Top 100 people listed because he wasn't on the list. Howard said he was on the list last year so he's kind of surprised that he's not on it this year. He said that magazines are there to sell magazines... He had to stop in the middle of it because Hanzi was talking to someone. Howard said he used to be a good caller but now he's talking under him. Hanzi said he was talking to his mother because she was giving him a hard time.
Hanzi is 23 years old and he still lives at home so Howard asked him what was going on there. Hanzi said he's had some issues lately and he's been going to therapy. He said that he's trying to work through a bunch of issues because he's unable to work because of them. Howard said he sounds like every guy because he's saying he can't get girls. Hanzi said that he's Pakistani and started to explain why he's upset about the girl thing. He started to explain it but Howard cut him off and said he thinks that he believes that he should get girls in his culture but that's not what he was going for.
Hanzi claims that he has gotten laid in his life but he didn't stick with the chick because he refused to eat her out. Hanzi went on to say that he didn't get to express himself when he was a little kid because he was always doing things for other people. Howard asked him what he did. Hanzi tried to explain that stuff but Howard and Robin kept cutting him off. Howard was goofing on him so Hanzi sounded like he was going to give up on the whole explanation. He couldn't get his thoughts out because Howard and the guys kept cutting him off.
Howard asked Hanzi if he's ever held a job. He said he had some temp jobs and did that. He worked in some stores as a cashier and things like that. He said one job gave him 6 hours a week so that didn't work out too well. He said he thinks that when he goes into interviews they don't like his answers or something. Howard tried to go through a phony interview with him to find out what kind of answers he gives. He asked Hanzi to talk about himself so Hanzi gave him some good answers and Howard figured he wasn't that bad.
Hanzi said that he was put in something called ESL for many years. He didn't even know what ESL meant so Gary told them that it stood for English as a Second Language. Howard wondered how he couldn't know what that meant if he was in it.
Hanzi said he was using that ESL thing in his stand-up comedy act so Howard asked him why he'd use that if he doesn't even know what it means. Hanzi said that Canadians would know what it means. He went on to say that he used that in a joke about his stuttering and how it was so bad that his teachers put him in ESL. Howard tried to dissect the joke and tell it again but it didn't come off so well. He and Robin goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard told Hanzi that if he were his mother he'd tell him to go out and get a job. He wanted to see Hanzi's resume so he asked him to send it to him. He didn't believe he even had one but Hanzi claimed he really did. Howard talked to Hanzi about the work he wants to do and how it's obvious that he can't be a comedian after telling that joke earlier. Artie tried to help him out by pointing in him the right direction with his jokes. Hanzi said that he also rants in his comedy routine so the guys figured he was kind of like a Dennis Miller or a Pat Cooper in that way.
Howard told Hanzi to get angry about something and rant like he claims he does. He tried feeding him some ideas so Hanzi could write some jokes. He told him to go write some stuff for them and then call them back. Hanzi said he did make a video that he put on YouTube. Howard said he had to see that.
Sal came in and said that he wants to give this guy some jokes for his stand-up act. He said that if he's white and doesn't look Pakistani he could make a joke about how no one knows he's Pakistani other than the fact that he smells like piss. Howard kicked Sal out of the studio. Hanzi was laughing though.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people rip on him. One guy told him to go out and get a job. Hanzi was arguing with him asking him ''Who are you?'' over and over again as the guy was goofing on him. Another guy told Howard to just get him off the air. Artie tried to help him out with jokes again and gave him some suggestions for what he could write jokes about. Howard saw a picture of Hanzi so he said that he's actually a handsome guy. Artie told him that he could use that as one of his jokes saying that Hanzi is short for Handsome and he'd get a laugh out of that.
Howard got back to the Time 100 list and said he was going to talk about that. He said he's pretty sure that if they put him on the top 100 list it would just be a hype thing for the magazine. He figured that they wouldn't put him on the list year after year. He said they offered him the chance to be at a party last year when he was on the list so he could be photographed with all of the other people on the list. He said he doesn't care about that stuff and would rather be low key when it comes to that stuff.
Howard played some of Hanzi's video from YouTube where he raps. He played that for a short time and then cut it off. He said he's not into rap but that didn't sound too good to him. Hanzi told him that it gets better in the second verse so Howard tried to get through more of it.
JD came in and told Howard he pulled some audio of Hanzi doing a prank call to a religious TV show. Hanzi had to explain the call to Howard before he played it. Howard played a few of the calls but he didn't like what he was hearing. Hanzi said that he made about 80 of them and those weren't the best. Howard gave up on trying to play them and let him go.
Howard asked Robin and Artie what they did this weekend. They didn't do all that much. Artie said he stayed at home and just hung out over the weekend. Robin asked him if he's had any luck house hunting. He said he's been too busy on the road lately to go looking but he will be looking at a few places sometime soon.
Howard asked the guys if they saw The Sopranos last night. Robin and Artie did see the show so they spent a few minutes talking about it without giving too many details. Howard liked the episode but Robin said she didn't. She said that she thinks that it's going to go through the dream sequences thing again after last night's episode. Howard and Robin went back and forth talking about what went on during the show. Artie kind of gave some spoilers when he brought up Christopher after saying that a major player in the show was killed off. Howard said he thinks that it was the best episode of the season so far.
Robin brought up this thing that went on with Opie and Anthony over the weekend. Howard said he heard the bit that they got in trouble over and said that he didn't think the bit was all that funny, if anything, it was just boring. He said that all of these people who think their free speech is being taken away are wrong because when you work for a company, you have to abide by their rules. Robin said people were saying that the whole thing could bring bad press to the XM/SIRIUS merger. Howard said he thinks that CBS and XM may want to get rid of them because their format hasn't worked that well for them. He said that if he were CBS, he'd take the oldies format that they used to air on WCBS and replace Opie and Anthony with that.
Artie said that they used to listen to that kind of stuff when he was in construction because everyone could deal with it without fighting. Howard said he hated that format and could never listen to it, but a lot of people do seem to like it. He said that they could play some 50s stuff until the format gets old and then start bringing some 60s music and then some 70s music into the mix to keep it fresh.
Howard said he was number 1 in terrestrial radio for just about 20 years and the whole show was awesome. it's no easy feat to do that either. He wondered what kind of money terrestrial radio would have to pay him to come back. Robin said it would be a lot of money and he'd be getting paid more than any professional athlete.
Robin said she was going to her house the other day and there was a guy parked in her driveway saying he couldn't believe it was really her. He had his kid with him and his wife on the phone saying that he couldn't believe he was following her. She said that it's just the kind of response they get and how much the fans seem to love them.
Howard read some mail about Johnny Fratto whose picture they must have had up on his web site last week. Howard said he really likes Johnny after reading a bunch of negative e-mails about the way he looks with that white hair and tanned face of his.
Howard threw in the Bleeding Deacons version of ''Sal's a Gay Papa'' song at one point during the e-mail. They actually had two different versions and Robin said they seem to get better and better the more they do that song.
Gary came in and said that the band Hanson was coming in today and someone had actually written a song parody about Sal and Richard's ball licking thing based on the Hanson song ''Mmmbop.'' Howard played a little bit of that but cut it off after a few seconds.
Howard had Johnny Fratto on the phone to defend himself. He said he thinks that it's Eric (The Midget) doing that because he said that he was going to get even with him for not giving him a job. He said he did offer to let him dress up as a jar of tomato sauce. Howard said that he was telling people that Johnny wanted to actually dump a jar of tomato sauce on him and then stick the jar on his head.
Eric the Midget was on the phone so Howard put him on and said that someone offered him a job and he really thinks he should take it. He said that this guy wrote him a letter and said that he lives about 3 miles from him. The job may not be exactly what he's looking for though. Howard read the letter and the guy says that Eric wants to greet people and be part of the hospitality field. He said that the job would be Eric working as a Lobbyist in the California State Legislature. Howard said the guy gives him his address so he could pass that along to Eric. The writer thinks that Eric might like going to Capital Hill with him and things like that.
Howard asked Eric what he thinks about that. Eric said it sounds like a good job but he said he set Howard straight last week. He said he didn't want to be a greeter. Johnny told him he'd be a lobbyist. Howard told Eric that he's the most belligerent little fuck he's ever met. He said that he just read him an e-mail where someone is offering him a job and he goes off on him by saying ''STERN!... '' and talking about how he straightened him out.
Eric said that there's nothing wrong with him and he thinks that Howard just keeps telling him the same thing over and over again. Johnny said he'd take the job if he were him. Howard said it's very hard to do anything nice for Eric. He figured he'd be jumping up and down for joy after hearing the letter. Eric said the job is a good one but that's not what he wants to do. He said he wants to work for the Maloof brothers doing some stuff as an assistant or something at their hotels.
Johnny Fratto told Howard that the picture they have of him on his web site isn't the most flattering picture. He said that he'd send a new one. Eric told Howard that he sent two e-mails to Will about what he wants to do as a job. Howard said he heard something else about Eric getting caught jerking off by the UPS delivery person. Eric claimed that it was made up by Johnny and he wasn't going to go along with it. Johnny made it sound like he didn't make it up but he was going to take the blame for it.
Howard said he got another e-mail from a guy who was going to offer Eric a job working for his company where they throw celebrity parties. He'd already hung up on Eric so he couldn't give him that information.
Lisa said that Beth O was interviewed by a Pittsburgh TV show last week and talked about how she's not doing that much modeling lately. Howard said she's thinking she's getting too old to do that and she's got other things that she's doing to pay the bills. He said that the guys pulled some clips of her talking about that stuff and he thought it was kind of boring but other people there think that it's fascinating. Robin said it probably is if the other people are talking about it that way.
Howard played one clip where Beth talked about the night she and Howard met. She said that it was love at first sight when they spoke for the first time that night. Howard said she was actually on a blind date that night. He played another clip where Beth talked about how Howard asked her out to have drinks with him. In one clip Beth talked about how Howard had dropped her off at home at 3 in the morning the night he walked her home and then called her back at 7 in the morning to ask her out again. Howard said he doesn't play games and he was really into her so he didn't think that he should wait. He said that he wanted to be with her and he thought it was romantic to do something like that.
Robin was pointing out how Howard can never live alone and that's why he was calling Beth so early that one morning. Howard said that she did spend a lot of time at his place over the couple of years that they were dating before moving in together. Howard said that he was only at her apartment about 10 times in the two years or so that she kept the apartment. He said that he may have stayed over night once or so. Robin said that Howard gave her a drawer at his place and not too long after that she left her apartment after burning it down. She was joking about the burning down thing. Howard said he felt good having her keep her apartment because he was afraid that he might break up with her at some point and he'd look like a piece of shit if he did that.
Gary came in and asked Howard what his move was to get Beth. He said that he had to screen Son of the Beach which was one of the projects that he was working on at the time. He said he told her he had to punch up the script or something. He said that morning he called her over she stayed for like... Seven years. He said that she actually stayed there the whole day until dinner or something like that. He said there's no reason to waste time waiting to call her and that's the way he looked at it that morning. He said that he could have dropped dead the next day and he didn't want to waste time before asking her out again.
Howard talked about how Ralph had told him to calm down with the dating thing. He said he was doing that because he thought that time was running out. Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some fans ask him some questions about that first date. Howard said that he had ''rubbed one out'' twice in the four hours he wasn't with Beth that first night. He also said that she was with him at his apartment until 3 in the morning that night which is something she didn't talk about.
Howard also told the guys about his first kiss with Beth and how that took place at some event where Vinnie Favale and Mitch Semel were at. Vinnie was on the phone so Howard got him on to talk about it. Vinnie said that he remembers meeting her for the first time and how stunning she looked that night. Howard said that he and Beth went up to her apartment and he played some music so they could dance. Howard said that's when he kissed her for the first time. He said he knew the kind of kiss she wanted so that's what he did. He said her apartment was horrible and she was paying $1,700 a month for it.
Howard played another clip of Beth's interview where she claims that Howard is the one asking her when they're going to have their wedding. She claims it's not her pushing to get married, it's him. Howard didn't think that was all that fascinating but Robin seemed to think it was. Howard said that they were talking about the marriage thing but he's not going to push her into it. He wondered if Robin thinks that they have a date that he's not telling her about. Robin said it sounds like she's saying that they are pushing for a date.
Beth was asked about having kids. Beth said she never really wanted kids and that's still the way she's thinking at the age of 35. Howard said that's the scary thing, that she's 35 years old. Howard said that he really hopes that she doesn't want kids because he really doesn't want any more. He said that he wanted to put that in the pre-nup but he found out you can't do that. He said that she asked him if he would really break it off with her if she decided he wanted kids. He said that he probably would because he really doesn't want kids. He said they still have some issues to work out.
Lisa said that she doesn't think that someone can go into a marriage with someone as a ''no'' and someone as a ''maybe'' with the baby thing. Artie and Robin joked about Howard having kids for a minute.
Lisa G said that Jeff the Drunk is supposed to be going in for surgery today for the problem he has with his ass. She also said that he was seen out drinking over the weekend. That means that the antibiotics probably won't work right if he was drinking. Howard said he thought they weren't going to operate on him. Robin reminded him that they were still testing him last week when they spoke to the doctor. That led to the guys talking about how gross Jeff's ass looked when they saw it.
Gary came in and said that Jeff was drinking with Shuli all weekend. Shuli said that they were at this place called The Egg up in Albany and he was supposed to have been banned from that place. They pulled some strings to get him back in there but then he smoked a cigarette in the lobby and put it out on the carpet there. Then he flicked his cigarette in the green room and it landed near people's stuff. Shuli said he lost it when he did that and went off on him. He said that Jeff had begged to be there but then said that he had come down there for free. Howard had to wrap up the segment because they were running behind according to Gary. He went to break a short time later.
Jimmy said that they were out on this boat trying to fish and he was making fun of Howard for being scared of this swan that was there. He thought he was nuts until the swan reared up and spread it's wings. He said they both ran away after seeing that.
Jeff said that OJ showed up at about 10:30pm and he didn't want him in his restaurant so he kicked him out. He said that it was a customer who had come to him and told him that OJ was there. He said that he had OJ at his restaurants before the murders happened and even had his picture taken with him. He said he had even been to one of his other restaurants since the murders. He said this night he didn't even check in with his brain and just took a puff off his cigar and went out to find where OJ was in the restaurant. He said that OJ was at the table that Nick Lachey had just left. The guys kind of goofed on Nick and Howard said he would have thrown Jeff a parade if he had kicked Nick out too. Jeff said Nick is a friend of his so he asked him to go easy on him.
Jeff said that OJ was with a bunch of people at his table so Artie said that it was probably the jury that acquitted him. Artie said it was probably a party of 12 that came with him. Jeff tried to tell his story but the guys were kind of goofing on how long it was taking to tell the story. Howard said he had to move things along and asked Jeff to get to the good part. Jeff said he went up to OJ and told him he wasn't going to serve him. He said that OJ didn't say a word, he just looked at him. He said he told him again since OJ didn't respond. He was by himself at the time because his people weren't there yet. He said that he asked OJ to leave and then a blonde woman came up to him and said that OJ is allowed to eat at a restaurant if he wants. He said that's not what she should be worried about and said that she should be worried about OJ possibly murdering her and getting away with it.
Howard said he liked what he was hearing and told him he was doing the right thing. He said that Fred Goldman should be proud. Jeff said he asked his assistant to get in touch with Fred Goldman and let him know what he did. He said Fred actually contacted him and they've spoken a few times since then. He said that he's now friends with him because of that. Howard said his hat is off to Jeff and he likes that he won't serve murderers. Artie said ''Wait, he murdered somebody?'' and said he thought it was another policy that he was using there at his restaurant.
Jeff said that OJ was threatening to sue claiming this was over race but that was dropped. He said that he's still being threatened with a lawsuit. Howard told Jeff that he's a hero for doing what he did. Jeff was trying to tell some stories about some other celebrities who were at his restaurant and wouldn't let Artie get in a word when he was trying to tell some jokes about Nick Lachey. Jeff also said that they seated Michael Jordan right after OJ left so they obviously have nothing against black people.
Howard thanked Jeff for the call and Jeff told him it was great to talk to the real Howard Stern and not the Howard K. Stern guy. He said he'd kick him out of the restaurant too if he showed up. Howard asked him if he would kick out Mel Gibson. He said that guy didn't murder anyone. He said he would throw out Robert Blake and Phil Spector if they showed up to his restaurant. Howard wrapped up with him and let Jeff go. They were still goofing around about how they wanted to know more about what Nick Lachey ate and things like that.
Jimmy said if he was that guy, he would have put his penis on his food and things like that instead of kicking him out.
Howard said that he read that Jimmy once said that the worst guest he ever had was this guy Jared Leto. Jimmy said that he was kind of mad at him for canceling on them one night and then going to do the Carson Daly show. He wasn't too happy with that and he wasn't all that thrilled with his interviews in the past.
Eric the Midget was on the phone to say hello to Jimmy. Jimmy said that Eric has gone to the number 1 spot on his favorite guests on Howard's show. He said that Eric seems to be treating Howard as if they are equals, or even as if Eric is above Howard. Jimmy asked Eric if he thinks that he's a wack packer. Eric said he's not and that's another thing that Jimmy loves about him.
Jimmy was also talking about how great it would have been if Eric had flown with balloons the way Howard wanted him to. Howard said he got sick of trying to make the deal with Eric because of the demands he had all the time. He said that he knows that Eric would get upset with them no matter what happened. Jimmy asked Eric why he wouldn't take that offer and just give it a try so he could fly. Eric said that the studio is too small to make it happen anyway. Howard said that they have a staging area where they could have done it. The staging area is really high and they could have gotten Eric off the ground.
Jimmy said that it's still his dream to see Eric fly with balloons and he's obsessed with it. Eric said that it would never work, they could never make it happen. Fred went into his Eric the Midget impression and goofed on him for a few seconds. Jimmy said he'd like to see Eric roast Andy Dick later this week. He wondered if Eric had ever been in the studio. Howard said he hadn't and he'd love to have him there because he feels so bad for him.
Eric said that he would come to New York under the right circumstances. Artie threw in a joke asking Eric if he wanted to come to the city to see the bottom 20 inches of the buildings there. Eric told him ''Shut up fat fuck.'' Jimmy said he would love to see Eric watching American Idol and maybe put a camera on his head or something to see what he sees.
Robin asked Eric if he's been able to get into any of the American Idol shows with that contact he had. Eric said he hasn't come through yet. Howard said that maybe if they got him into the season finale, maybe he'd fly with balloons. Eric said that maybe he could be a correspondent with Jimmy's show or something. Howard put Jimmy on the spot and asked Jimmy if he'd be willing to let Eric do a correspondent thing on his show if he did the balloon thing. Jimmy said that he could make the American Idol thing happen and he'd be willing to fly him down there for all of that. He wasn't sure if he could get him to do a correspondent thing. Jimmy said they could cut to him in the audience and do that too.
Howard told Eric what they had planned for Eric and what he'd have to do with the balloon flying thing. Jimmy said he's almost positive he can make the American Idol thing happen. Howard said that he can sit there for the American Idol thing and then go on Jimmy's show and get a shot of him in the audience. Howard said they might have to let Eric do this stuff and take his word for it that he will try to fly with balloons. Robin thought that was a bad idea though. They know what his word means.
Robin asked Eric if he would be willing to fly out to New York after all of that stuff happens. Eric gave a very positive ''Yes'' to her for that. Eric said that he was asked to ask about something for Johnny Fratto and getting Kimberly Stewart to ride one of his choppers or something. Jimmy said he wanted to see how this whole balloon flying thing goes. Howard said he thinks that Eric is finally going to do this thing but Artie said he doesn't trust him. Jimmy said he can't believe he finally agreed to do it like this.
Howard asked Jimmy about this ABC UP Front meeting thing he's in town for. They have these meetings for the advertisers so they can see the shows that they're going to be advertising on. Jimmy said that he kind of hosts the event and goes up and jokes around with the advertisers. Howard said he saw a tape of Jimmy doing that and he was very funny at it. He also brought up how Jimmy's girlfriend Sarah Silverman is going to be hosting the MTV awards this year. He said that must be a big deal for her. Jimmy said that it is a big deal and she's already writing jokes for the show. He said he may help her out with some jokes and his brother is also helping her out. Artie asked if MTV hired some outside writers for her. Jimmy said they did come up with some money for that.
Jimmy tried to give Artie some advice on all of the food he's been eating lately. He said that there must be something healthy he could eat instead of the crap he eats out of the vending machine. Howard said that he eats food they get from this restaurant Pump every day and maybe Artie should do something like that. Artie said they should just get him twice the amount of stuff that Howard gets and he could eat that. Artie said that he does like what Howard gets and he would give it a shot.
Howard asked Artie what he thinks he weighs now since he came in at 303 pounds last week. Artie said he's forgotten about that and doesn't think about it. He said he went out on a date over the weekend and ended up having some swordfish and shit like that but then he had a huge piece if cake.
Jimmy said that he tries to think about the stuff he eats and keeps only the good stuff in his office at work. Howard said he predicted that Artie was over 300 pounds last week and he was right. He wanted to see what Artie was up to this week but Artie said he wasn't up for it today. Jimmy told Artie he doesn't have to be 195 pounds but he could lose a few pounds. Artie said the sad thing is that he could be 195 pounds. He said it's not even about that though, it's about living life.
Jimmy said he thinks that Artie's whole persona is the drinking and overeating thing. Artie said that's not true. He said he was thin when he shot his movie. Jimmy told him he wasn't that thin. Howard had to go to break while they were still talking about that stuff.
Howard said that he was always angry with them because he figured they were getting laid when they were playing at such a young age. Howard asked the guys who got the idea to get into music. Isaac said that he was really into music when he was growing up so he got a guitar first and started playing. The guys also talked about how their father would pretend to discipline them when their mother thought they were acting bad but he'd let them off the hook.
Howard asked the guys if they still have some money from when they were really popular. They said that they still have the money, their parents didn't blow it all like so many child stars have happen to them. Howard asked if they have to work at all or not. They said that they have produced this album so they had to spend money on that. They aren't on a record label right now so they have to pay for all of this stuff. They said that they were with Mercury Records but then they were merged into Island/Def Jam and they didn't think they fit in with rap so they left.
Howard said he was surprised to read that all three of the boys are married now. One of the guys said that he never thought he was going to get married but when you're in that business it's kind of crazy and you grow up really quick. He said he's been married for 5 years and has 3 kids already.
Howard said that the boys are super religious and were probably pushed to get married. He wondered if they had pre-marital sex. One of the guys said that his first baby was born 7 months after he was married so he did. Howard asked the guys if they had other women before getting involved with their wives. One of the guys said that he didn't. Howard told him that he's got to experience stuff out there and women are the one thing that they could be experiencing. Howard found out that Zach, who is 21, just got married last year. He said that these guys think they know everything that young but they don't. Howard said that he was married at 21 and was married for 20 years. He said he knows that they shouldn't get married and they should be out experiencing more women.
Howard couldn't believe that Zach hadn't had any other women than the woman he's married to. He said that the kids who hold out for marriage are the ones who end up getting STD's because some of them end up banging in the ass and things like that. Howard asked what is allowed other than having intercourse. He asked if they can kiss, feel titties and maybe get their finger wet. Zach said he didn't go that far, but that was his choice. He said it was okay to touch titties and kiss though. His brother said that he's not sure where that rule came from because they never really thought about it that way.
Howard said Zach is like Jesus because he's a good looking guy and didn't do anything with women until he was married. Jimmy told the guys that he only got married so young because he figured he'd never get another woman in his life. These guys are good looking according to Jimmy so they could get chicks. The guys said they're not that good looking.
Howard asked one of the guys how he met his wife. He said that she was a model for some event they were at. Howard wondered how he didn't have sex with her for five years while they were dating. Howard asked him if he ran home and beat off when he got blue balls. He said that he would go home and drain his lizard. Howard asked Zach if he would dry hump his girl. He didn't answer that so Howard said it's got to be a leap of faith to marry someone you've never had sex with because you don't know if you're going to be compatible. He asked how many times they boned that night. He claimed that she was a virgin that night too. He said that the sex thing is awesome but it's glorified a little too much.
Howard told a story about how he had a friend that got a chick who wasn't able to get his dick into a chick because she was so dry. He said that could have happened to these guys who are virgins when they get married. He said his friend's dick was actually black and blue from trying to stick it in that chick so they obviously weren't compatible.
Howard asked the guys if they have any brothers and sisters. They said that they do have four other siblings and jokingly said that they're not talented like they are. Howard joked that his parents have forgotten all about his sister since he's such a talented guy.
Howard said that the guys were going to perform a song for them. They were going to perform ''Never Been To Spain.'' They have a new album out called Blue Sky and you can find out more about that at Hanson.net. He gave them some plugs and asked them if they laugh at American Idol. They said that they do think it's kind of funny and loved that Howard was pushing for that Sanjaya thing.
The guys performed ''Never Been To Spain'' which was a cover of a Three Dog Night song. Howard told them they did a nice job with that. He said that it must be nice to be able to just perform a song like that. Jimmy said that they really could get laid being able to sing like that. The guys said that they get laid a lot, they have no problem there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that these guys were kind of annoying at first but then they performed the song and they were great. Howard asked the guys if they were going to perform another song for them. They were going to perform a cover of ''Long Train Runnin'.'' Howard asked Zach to tell them how many times he got laid on his wedding night but he refused to give them exact numbers. He said he respects his wife too much. Howard also asked the guys if they smoke weed. They said that they have done that and Isaac got really wasted over in Amsterdam one time. He said the weed he tried really screwed him up. He said it was called ''AK-47'' so he should have known. Howard asked them to perform the song after that. They broke right into the Doobie Brothers ''Long Train Runnin'' and did a great job with that one.
Howard and the guys gave them some applause after the song. Robin wondered if they could still perform ''Mmmbop'' since their voices have changed so much. They said they could still do that. Artie wondered if they were taking requests and asked them to perform ''The House Next Door to Me Was Sold to N...'' Howard cut him off before he could request the racist song. Howard said it's great that they can actually sing and play instruments while other people have to lip sync. He wished them luck with their new album and their own record company.
Howard asked the guys about the money they made and also found out that they'd been on jimmy's show before. They said that it's a lot of fun to go on that show because of the way they have it set up. Howard took a call from a guy who said he got to party with those guys and they party really hard back stage. He said they were throwing pizza around and stuff like that. Howard asked Artie what he thought about them wasting pizza. Artie said that they're not banging chicks and they're not eating pizza, he didn't know what else to say. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
Howard asked Jimmy what he thinks about Paris Hilton going to jail. He said he thinks it's a good thing for American and for Paris in the long run. He said that her showing up to court late is just crazy. He also thinks that the time in jail won't change her in any way.
Jimmy said that Grillo smelled like a bar rag. Steve said he had been working since 10:30 last night as a bartender so that's why he smelled like that. Howard moved on and talked about how Grillo was an intern for the show for about 7 years. He was in charge of making his baked potato and it was always a problem. He said that Grillo kept a diary so he was going to read some of it for them.
Artie said he always loved Grillo and all of the explanations he had for things on the show. Jimmy said that Steve had the biggest beer he's ever seen. Grillo said he has a problem and he knows he's a drunk. He said he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't go to meetings.
Grillo said that he thinks he has a gold mine of stuff in that diary of his. He said he wants a show of his own on SIRIUS. He said there are some things he doesn't want to talk about so he can't read it all. He said he found one part of the diary where he had left the show and had asked Gary if he could go to one of Howard's birthday shows. He said Gary called him back and told him he'd have to sit with the Wack Pack if he went. Steve thought that was insane and couldn't believe that. He said he did go to the party and he thought that Howard didn't care that he was there. He claims he saw him mouth the words ''Oh who cares'' when Robin told him that Grillo was there.
Steve found the passage from his diary and read through it... or tried to. He wasn't able to read his own handwriting. In the passage he writes about how Howard blew him off. He said that pissed him off when Howard blew him off that day at the party. Howard told Steve that it wasn't about him, it was a big show they were doing that day and he didn't have a lot of time to spend on him that day. Steve said he ''wasn't mad no more'' about that and has moved on. He said he just wanted a ''what's up'' from Howard back then. He couldn't even get that. Howard tried to explain to him what he was trying to do that day and how he didn't have time to say hello to him.
Steve said that he found a note that he had sent to Howard back when he had decided to leave the show. He said he asked Howard not to read it on the air but he went ahead and did. He found the letter and the part in his diary about that day when Howard read it. Steve was upset that Howard had read the letter that day and wrote about it. Howard heard that and said he'd actually let Steve do an hour long show where he reads from his diary. He doesn't even want him to figure out what he actually wrote, he wants him to stumble over it the way he was this morning.
Steve read another excerpt from his diary where he complained about Gary treating him like crap. Howard told him he sounded very bitter in those excerpts and he's surprised he didn't go around shooting everyone. Grillo said he felt like no one had his back at that time. Howard said the thinks that he's on to something reading it on the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Grillo must be huge because he's breathing heavy. Jimmy said it sounded like a pool raft leaking air or something. Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that he would put up two grand to send him to the hospital and then hung up. No one knew what he was talking about though.
Howard said they gave Steve a few minutes to do a demo radio show and he managed to interview Jodi Foster but it was horrible. Howard said it was awful but Steve thought it was really good. Howard asked Steve what happened to his hair plugs. Steve said that he had this Dr. Bernstein take them out and he did an amazing job at it. He talked about how bad the plugs turned out when he got them years ago. Robin also pointed out that he's got a bunch of tattoos on him now too. Steve said he's going to get a bunch more. He showed the guys what he had on his back and it was some kind of monster or something. Howard told him he looks silly and he thinks he looks bored doing stuff like that.
Gary said that they have the Jodi Foster interview to listen to if he wants. Steve said he has a good idea for a radio show where he has normal people review movies instead of these pompous assholes like they have on TV now. Howard asked Jimmy what he thinks about all of this. Jimmy was trying to talk to him but he was breathing heavy into the microphone. Jimmy said that he thinks that Steve should do his movie reviews in the theater, while the movie is playing, very loud.
Howard played Steve's review of ''The Departed'' to show just how awful he was at doing movie reviews himself. He only had a minute to review so he was rushing, he had no script and he wasn't allowed to practice it. Artie said he thought it was hilarious. Howard played the interview he did with Jodi Foster for his test show. Howard let that play for a minute but then cut it off and said no one knew what they were talking about. He told Steve that he wanted to give him some advice but Steve wasn't listening to him. He told Steve he's very worried about him because he's overweight, breathing heavy and getting awful tattoos. Steve said that his friend Needles doesn't deserve that, he's a great artist. Howard told Steve that he looks like he fell asleep and kids drew all over him with those tattoos.
Jimmy thinks that Steve would be great with Riley Martin on his show. Steve asked if he could do another show or not. Howard told him he'd talk to Tim Sabean and get him a show. He then took some phone calls and let the fans go off on him. One guy said he'd rather hear Eric the Midget talking for an hour before he'd want to hear Grillo for 1 minute. High Pitch Eric called in and told Grillo he's a fag. He also said hello to Jimmy and told him he loves his show. Howard told Jimmy that Eric has gout now. Artie said that Eric just eats and does nothing all day so that's why he has gout.
Howard asked Eric when he last paid rent. Eric said it was about 6 months ago but then he tried to change subjects by pitching a cooking show that he and Mariann from Brooklyn could have. Howard hung up on him and got back to Steve. He told him that he will try to get him that show. He gave him a plug for this Too Hotties thing but he didn't seem to know what he was plugging. Steve threw in some other plugs but Howard didn't understand what he was saying there either so he goofed on him about that. Fred broke into his Grillo impression and rambled some of the same lines that he had just said and goofed on him for a short time. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard told Jimmy it was nice to have him there today. Jimmy said he and Sarah listen to the show a lot but he's never been able to figure out why Sour Shoes is called ''Sour Shoes.'' He said it's an odd name and it's kind of gross if you think about it. JD came in and said that one of the interns told him that he puts on his shoes after he gets done swimming and he also likes sour candy so that's where the Sour Shoes thing came from. Howard didn't get what he was saying and wondered why he doesn't call himself Swimming Shoes or something like that. JD said he was just telling them what the intern told him. He told them not to shoot the messenger.
Howard asked Jimmy why he's filling in for Regis. Jimmy said he thinks that he's just on vacation for the week. He really wasn't sure but he said he thinks that Regis is nuts for going back to work as quick as he did after his open heart surgery. Howard said no one would come back as fast as he did. He said that Regis was recently asked about Kathie Lee Gifford and had some stuff to say about her. He played some edited clips from his audio book that made it sound like he was saying that she likes cock and dog cock. Howard told Jimmy he should bring those drops with him when he covers for Regis tomorrow.
Howard said that he heard that ABC posted some posters outside the Letterman studio that said ''Did You Jimmy Last Night'' and Vinnie Favale, or someone there, actually went out and painted them black. Howard said he wanted to get Vinnie on the phone to talk about that. Then he caught a whiff of Artie's French toast that smelled really good. Artie said that he was going to go into the healthy thing tomorrow so he's splurging today. Howard wanted to weigh him in again today but Artie wanted to finish eating first.
Howard said he's really worried about Artie because of the weight gain and all of that. That somehow led to Jimmy talking about how he managed to get John Ritter's old school to put his name on the list of alumni after leaving it off. Howard said that Jimmy really has a thing for Ritter and played a clip from his show where he broke down and cried over his death one night. In the clip Jimmy says that he knows Howard Stern is going to play the clip and make fun of him.
Howard let a caller go off on Jimmy over his crying. Jimmy said he once cried on The Man Show when their announcer died. He said he's not good at holding in his emotions. Howard told him he'd better cry a lot when he dies. Jimmy said that he's very loyal to his network and won't cry over anyone dying from other networks.
A caller asked Howard if he would take an 11:30 slot on ABC when he retires from SIRIUS. Howard said he might do an interview show but he wouldn't want to do one of those shows like Letterman and Jimmy do. He's not interested in doing that. He said that Jimmy can stick to that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Sarah Silverman is really hot in a dirty kind of way and Beth is really smokin' hot so he's wondering if Jimmy has ever rubbed one out thinking about Beth or if Howard has rubbed one out to Sarah. Howard and Jimmy both said they haven't done that. Jimmy said that he has rubbed one out while listening to the radio show though. He said he likes when women call in with sex stories. Howard said they should get more of that kind of stuff on the air.
Howard said he thinks that Jimmy has seen Beth in a bikini, he knows he's seen Sarah in one. Jimmy said that she's actually on the cover of Maxim magazine which should be out tomorrow. That led to the guys talking about Sarah for a couple of minutes. Howard said that she's got a problem buying anything other than rugby shirts when she goes clothes shopping. Jimmy said it's kind of a pain because she can't shop for anything else. Howard was saying that he couldn't wait to go see her in a bikini when he heard she was in one. Jimmy also talked about the fine coat of hair Sarah has on her body and hoe he likes to comb it and brush it.
Artie asked Jimmy when he met Sarah for the first time and when he made his first move on her. He said they kind of met at a roast they did together. Artie was there as well so he asked if that's when he made his first move. Jimmy said it was actually a long time after that. jimmy said that he and Sarah got together about 4 and a half years ago. He said they became friends first and then hooked up. She was doing crank calls for ''Crank Yankers'' around that time so that's how they became friends.
The caller on the line said that it has to be intimidating to bang Sarah because she seems like the type who would make fun of your pecker. Howard said he'd be worried about that because she's always making observations about stuff. Robin said if they ever break up she's got to use material like that for her stand-up comedy.
Howard had Vinnie Favale on the phone so Howard asked him about the billboard that ABC put up. Jimmy told Vinnie that he wasn't too happy about that billboard being put up. Vinnie was trying to tell Howard about what was going on but his cell phone kept cutting out so he said he'd call back on a hard line.
Steve brought up Jennifer from Win Fred's Money from last week. He said that they are the couple who have admitted to have created and profited from creating a fake Howard Stern profile on Myspace. He said they claimed to have just done it for fun and not for profit.
Howard had Vinnie Favale back on the line so he asked him about the ABC thing. Jimmy said he didn't know about the billboard that went up over there in front of the Ed Sullivan theater. Jimmy said he didn't know about it until after the show. Vinnie said that he had to have known about it. Vinnie said he took care of it for him and said that he had someone paint black all over it. Jimmy said it was humiliating for him because he loves Dave. He said that he talked to the people who did it. jimmy claimed that it was bought and paid for but Vinnie said it was on plywood and they couldn't have paid for it. Jimmy insisted that they did pay for it.
Vinnie asked to get a quick plug in and said that he's producing a Elvis Costello concert on the web tonight and you can find that on the Letterman web site.
Howard let Vinnie go and had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Jimmy's appearance on the show today and how he may have gotten Eric the Midget to finally fly with balloons. He also said that they'll talk about Hanson doing the show today. That led to Howard playing some of their album since he hadn't done that when the guys were in earlier. He played some of their song ''Blue Sky'' but said he wasn't going to play the whole song now. Jon got back to his preview and brought up Steve Grillo's visit today and said they'll talk about that today.
Jimmy said he likes what Howard has done with his two channels because he's got all of these shows all about him. He said it's quite a soap opera there. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
There was another story about who people love the most in their lives so that led to Robin asking the guys who they love the most. Artie said he'd have to say his sister because that's probably what his mother would want him to say. Jimmy said he loves his kids the most. Howard asked Robin who she loves the most. She said it's her nephew but he thinks that it's actually him. He also thinks that Fred loves him the most as well. Fred said he does love Howard the most outside of his family. Howard thinks that Fred would say that to him in private if he could. Fred said he loves his daughter the most out of anyone in this world. He said he loves his daughter like Artie loves a pizza. Howard thinks that next to his kid, Fred loves him the most. He said the same about Robin and how she couldn't have loved her mother or father and thinks that she loves him the most.
Gary came in and said he had a pretty cool clip from Rosie O'Donnell's blog. He said that they sent her a radio to listen to the show and she's very excited about it. In the clip Rosie is talking to a couple of friends of her in the green room of The View. Rosie talked about how big her head is and how Howard used to call her a pumpkin head which led to her talking about how she got a free radio from Howard Stern and how she's going to have her radio hooked up in her car. Another woman in the room told her to listen for at least 10 hours, not just one hour, because a little bit isn't enough to get a feel for it.
Jimmy said that Rosie hates him. He said they used to goof on her back on The Man Show and she wasn't too happy about that. Artie did his joke about looking like Rosie when he said that a lot of people came up to him while the Donald Trump thing was going on and told him that Trump was an asshole and they were on her side.
Jimmy Kimmel complained about the people at a particular Duane Reed store he goes to when he visits New York City. He said that he went in there last night to buy some toothpaste and gum and the cashier just looked at him as she was hanging her plastic bags on the metal hooks they mount on. Then she went to the back and got some more bags while he stood there. He said he asked her if her register was even open. She said she was and eventually checked him out, gave him his change and didn't say a word to him. He said it seems to be just that one store that is so bad in the city though.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about how things keep getting better for Oprah Winfrey. She just got an honorary doctorate from Howard University. He said he had audio from the show to play thanks to JD who had pulled some clips. Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about that and how special Oprah thinks she is for being honored by ''her own.''
Howard played the clip where Oprah is crying and talking about getting this honorary doctorate saying that there's nothing better than being honored by ''her own.'' Then he played a clip of her talking to the students there at Howard University. Howard cut it off and talked about how awful her speeches really are. He said she sounds important but she doesn't really say anything profound. He goofed on her doing an impression of her making her lame speeches.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Oprah only got that honorary doctorate because she gave some money to the school. He also said that they had to turn away some of the parents of the students who were graduating because Oprah was there giving her speech. Howard got back to the audio clips of Oprah talking to the students and telling them that they deserved to be there that day. She broke into her ''street speak'' at one point and said something about how she knew there was going to be some partying going on there.
Oprah talks to the students telling them not to worry about anything and to just relax and take a deep breath because God has got their backs. Howard said that they'd better get off their asses because God isn't going to get them a job. Oprah tells the students not to be afraid and that there is no failure, just God pointing people in different directions. Robin said she's seen failure and pointed out that people sleeping in the subway might be failures.
Howard interrupted again and goofed on Oprah for stealing Phil Donohue's show format and how maybe that's what the students should do to become successful. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear more or if she had heard enough. Robin said she wanted to hear more. Howard took a call from a guy who asked how long he thinks it'll be before Oprah calls herself ''Dr. Oprah.'' Howard said he doesn't think she's as nuts as Bill Cosby who calls himself a doctor. Howard said he would go around calling himself doctor if he got an honorary doctorate. He said he'd do a whole study about the Sybian and talk about his gay character ''Out of the closet Stern'' among other things.
Howard said he liked how Oprah got herself a doctorate by giving that school some money and now she's telling the students to wait for God to get them a job. He got back to the audio clips and continued to listen to Oprah going on about how she had come from good stock and how her grandmother helped point her in the right direction. Howard cut it off and said he thought that she was raped by her family and wondered how she came from good stock if that was the case. Robin said that her grandmother was one of the family members who didn't do anything to her.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy said that it's ridiculous that they just hand Oprah a doctorate like that. Another caller said he's been trying to call for weeks to talk about this subject. He said he works at a Mail Boxes Etc. in New York City and claims that Oprah has a box there where she accepts doctor-like supplies. Howard had to bail out of the call because the guy was going on a little too long. He didn't seem to believe the story either.
Howard got back to the Oprah audio where she had just finished bragging that she had good white people working for her. She also repeated that God has got their backs thing. Oprah then talks about the 8 years she spent in Baltimore and how she was unhappy being a TV news reporter. She talked about her father and how his voice saved her from that. Howard wondered who in her family had raped her if her father was on her good side too. Robin said that it was apparently her mother who left the door open for people to rape her and her father was the one who saved her.
Oprah told the students not to worry about anything because success will take care of itself. She said that their integrity is not for sale. Howard said that Julia Child was the commencement speaker at his graduation and he remembers not understanding a word she said as she made her speech. He also said he can hear his father going off on the school for letting a chef give a speech at a communications school speech. He went into his impression of his father and talked about what he might have said that day.
Howard played some edited clips of Oprah saying things in her book on tape. He had her talking about sexual stuff and things like that. He'd also play some cheering clips to make it sound like she was at the commencement speech at the college. Howard also made his own commencement speech where he was talking about the Sybian and the women who have ridden it. He said he really has to go make a speech at a college now that he knows exactly what to day. He said he knew that if he put a small, black midget in a Superman outfit, he knew he would succeed. Robin told him he could say that God put those people in his path to help make him successful.
Robin said something about the school where JD went called Full Sail so that led to them talking about how Howard could give his speech there. JD came in and said that the school is down in Florida and the logo for the school has an airplane in it. Robin figured that it was a sailing school or something like that.
Howard played a clip where Oprah tells the students that she was told to change her name when she was working in Baltimore and they suggested ''Suzy.'' She decided to keep her name and take her chances with it. Howard said she lucked out in her career by going against the white man. He said she sounds all angry and defiant in her speech. Robin said she got the suggestion to change her name too but she's not going around bragging that she kept it. Howard said that was about enough of Oprah but then played a little more of her speech. Robin said she could bring the rest of it home to listen to there if she wanted more.
Howard played a prank call that Sal made to a shop asking them to say ''Olive Blackock.'' After that he went through the list of names again and tried to figure out who is going to have the worst life. When he came across JD, he immediately said that he will be the one. He said that JD is training to watch TV for a living and he's pretty sure he won't be able to find a job doing that.
Gary came in and said that there's a rumor going around about JD and he may have been trying to find a job with Jimmy Kimmel since he has people who watch TV for him. JD said that might be partly true and he was coming in to show Howard some extra clips yesterday. Howard told JD that he's retarded. That led to Howard and Fred goofing on him about how he watches 7 TiVos at the same time back in his office.
JD said that he did get a lot of stuff pulled yesterday but he's pretty sure Howard didn't play any of it. Howard said he did that to make sure Jimmy didn't steal him away. JD said he thinks that he might have been able to gone into the editing field if he wasn't working there. Other than that he's not sure what he'd be doing now. Howard told him he does have a talent doing what he does.
JD said he would like to make a short film or something some day but he gets stuck at the idea for the movie. He said that things don't flesh out fully when it comes to that stuff. Howard told him that the Howard TV guys have said they'll post anything he makes on Howard TV. JD said he knows that, but things just haven't worked out for him yet.
Howard said that he can see Fred continuing to work as an announcer. Gary seems to be a producer of sorts and he could probably get a job somewhere. He wondered if Gary has ever been approached for other jobs. Gary said ''no'' and explained how people have told him that he's never been given offers because people know how committed he is to the show. He knows that's bullshit but he goes with it. Gary said he did consult with some shows on MTV and the Curtis and Lisa Sliwa show asked him to move over there years ago but he turned that offer down.
Howard said he worries about Benjy but he can write jokes. Sal and Richard are go-getters and are funny so they'll have something going on in 3 years just in case he retires. Howard said that Ralph he may have to continue to employ somehow. He said he'll have to continue dressing like he's on TV every day so Ralph will have something to do. Howard said maybe he'll hire JD to tape all of his TV shows for him so he doesn't have to worry about that.
where he can download movies to his TiVo. He said he downloaded this movie The Holiday and it was horrible in the beginning. About halfway through he said it got good and it was a great chick flick. He said that Beth asked him to record ''How I Met Your Mother'' because it was the season finale. He said he realized that he couldn't tape it because he was taping Dancing with the Stars. He had stopped watching ''How I Met Your Mother'' because he thought it got really bad. He said he was able to get a copy though so he didn't need Gary's copy when he made that available.
Howard said that he had a bunch of stuff to get to but he might have to take a break. Robin asked him if he's still playing chess. He said he's kind of been doing poorly at the game and has been slacking off a little lately. He said that he went up a little bit and then started losing so he went down a couple of levels. He said he learns more when he goes down though so that helped his game.
Howard got back to goofing on Oprah a little more. He was making fun of the comments she was making about God having everyone's back and making up some stuff she could have said in that speech of hers. He was also goofing on Artie for not showing up to work today because he was busy with that ''Rescue Me'' thing. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was watching ''Employee of the Month'' and Andy was very good in the movie. He said that he was funny every time he was on the screen. Lisa said that Andy read her some of his jokes and it's a good thing they're on satellite. Howard said it's going to be a great roast because Andy is fearful of Lisa Lampanelli who is going to rip him apart.
Lisa said she spoke to Sour Shoes about how he got his name. She said that he used to put his wet feet in wet shoes and his mother would tell him how sour they smelled so his friends would make fun of him over that so that's how he got the name. She also said that they have a new Page 69 segment during the news. They will be talking about Jason and Will have uncovered Gary's ''Barely 18'' magazines in his locked file cabinet. Gary said he doesn't have a stash of them of his own. He said he has looked at the magazines but he doesn't have a stash of them. Howard said he'd like to see them himself. He said the girls in that magazine are mostly 30 years old anyway. Gary said they put a 30 year old in pigtails and all of a sudden she's ''barely 18.''
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody and said that Sal was out there goofing on Gary in his Baba Booey mask pretending to jerk off to ''Barely 18.''
Jimmy said that they have 14 million readers for Maxim so the stars do the magazines because they know they're going to get exposure. He mentioned some of the names of the stars who have been in there lately and they're mainstream stars who don't usually do nudity. He said that they don't usually take the stars who have gotten naked before. Howard asked him who they won't put on the cover. Jimmy mentioned names like Oprah Winfrey and Roseanne Barr. He said they try not to burn anyone because you never know when they might be hot again.
Howard asked who has been on the cover of the magazine the most. Jimmy said that they've had Christina Aguilera on a few times and she's sold very well. Carmen Electra and Pam Anderson have also been on a few times. He said that they will put anyone who is looking hot on the cover. Howard asked Jimmy if any stars look awful in person but photograph great. He didn't want to bad mouth anyone and didn't say anything about anyone in particular.
Howard said there's a really hot chick on The Sopranos this season and he think that she's one of the hottest chicks he's ever seen. Jimmy wasn't sure who she was but he said they'll have to find out and put her in the magazine.
Howard asked Jimmy about this Hot 100 List that's making it's appearance in Maxim starting tomorrow. Jimmy said that it's a list of women who are hot in the entertainment industry. Howard asked about the top 10 women and Fergie is number 10. That led to Fred talking about what a horse face she is for a few seconds. That led to Gary saying that she hates Howard. Howard told the story why she hates him so much. He went to a party for this woman Esthero one time. He said that it was years ago when the Black Eyed Peas were still kind of unknown. He said she was singing for them with Fergie. Howard said that Esthero was much better and he said that on the air. He said that Esthero sounded better but wasn't hot like Fergie was. Fergie got upset that he was saying her singing wasn't all that great and that's when she became anti-Howard Stern.
Howard asked Jimmy about the rest of the top 10 and found out that Eva Longoria is number 9. Howard said he's not getting that one either. Number 8 was Rihana. Howard said he saw her once when Jay-Z introduced him. He said she was hot. Next up was Eva Mendez but Howard didn't know what the difference was between her and Eva Longoria. Next up was Ali Larter who is on Heroes. Howard said he thinks she looks like she could fuck and suck like you wouldn't believe. They talked about her for a short time and how hot they think she is.
Number 5 was Jessica Biel and Howard said he just doesn't get that. He said he doesn't see it there. Fred said that she was hot in a movie he saw one time. Jimmy said that number 4 is Christina Aguilera. Howard agreed with him on that one. They spent a little bit of time talking about how beautiful she is. Number 3 was Scarlett Johansson. Howard said she is gorgeous. Number 2 was Jessica Alba. Howard said he's never felt anything for her before. Jimmy said that was insane. He said that she's so hot. Howard said he wouldn't kick her out of bed but he's not a fan. Fred said that she's stunningly beautiful but very non-sexual. Howard said that's what he thinks too. The number one woman on the list is Lindsay Lohan. Howard said he agrees there. He said she's gettable and she looks great. The guy spent a little time talking about her and how she might not be the hottest chick but she is sexy and seems to be gettable.
Howard said he was glad to see that Angelina Jolie wasn't in the top 10 this year. He also said that some women were dropped from the list completely. He read through those names and talked about each of them. Kelly Clarkson was one. Howard said she was looking good for a while but now she's gained back the weight she'd lost. Paris Hilton was dropped from the list so Jimmy explained how she's kind of annoyed people. Teri Hatcher didn't make it into the top 100 this year. jimmy said she's annoying and there's just too much information out there about her. She's the girl who doesn't shut her mouth when you're out to dinner. Howard read that Bridget Moynihan has been dropped as well as Jennifer Aniston. Howard has always said she wasn't that hot. Jimmy said that she might be back on the list some day, it's not just about being hot, you have to have something going on in your career.
Howard said that Ashlee Simpson is on the list for the first time and she's actually ahead of her sister Jessica. Howard agrees with that because Jessica seems to be losing her looks. He wrapped up with Jimmy a short time later. Jimmy said that they have Sarah Silverman on the cover of the latest issue so people should pick that up. Howard said that Jimmy is going to be on Maxim Radio today on channel 108 talking more about that stuff. He said they're also having a party for the magazine. Howard said he won't be going to the party but when Jimmy said they do have some of the girls there, he said he might have to go.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Jimmy about the pictures they have of these celebrities. Jimmy was saying that hey get pictures of celebrities with awful scars and stuff but they never print those. He told Howard that if he wants to stop by the offices and check them out, he can do that. Howard said he might have to do that some day. He went to break a short time later.
Howard read through a few more e-mails and said people were all over the place in the mail. One person said Robin was interrupting too much on the show lately. That writer said that Robin and Artie were interrupting far too much lately. Some people were upset that Hanzi was on the phone for a half hour. He got a few e-mails about that but he thought that Hanzi was actually good.
Howard said some people have pointed out that Artie has been getting weird with Lisa G lately. One day he'll call her a cunt and the next day he's kissing her ass. Howard read through some mail about Steve Grillo's appearance on the show yesterday. People liked his appearance and some people want to hear more of him. Someone wrote in and said that Jimmy Kimmel looks like William Hung. Robin didn't think that was the case.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said that they shouldn't let Eric get away with not flying with balloons if they send him to American Idol. Howard said they know that he'll back out of it somehow, they expect that from him.
Howard said he got a letter from someone who said that Mark Burnett has announced a new show called The Pirate Master and the writer said he's always dreamed of being a pirate. Howard said he had to laugh when he read that line. He said if you want to be a pirate, go out and be one. He said he's never heard of someone who really wanted to be one. He said that no one ever dreams of being a pirate. He said it's a guy who likes to steal things out on the open seas. He said no one wants to do that... although Imus does want to be a cowboy, so maybe there are some pirate wannabes out there.
Howard said that Rikki Lake is on the cover of Us magazine and she claims that she's down to 123 pounds but he doesn't believe it. He said she does look better but she doesn't look good enough to be in a bathing suit.
Eric said that it would ruin the show if it was fixed like Howard claimed it was. Howard said he still thinks it's fixed. Howard played some clips from The Wrap Up Show where the guys talked about Eric not being trustworthy. Gary said he knows that Eric won't come through and fly with balloons, he'll back out on some technicality. Howard said everyone thinks it, not just him. Eric said that's the opinion of his dumb-assed staff.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel is going to come through with the tickets to the season finale of American Idol and get him on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he will probably back out of the balloon flying thing. Howard said that Eric is a liar because he lied about voting for Sanjaya. Eric said he's not a liar, he was just pulling a prank on Howard. Howard kept asking him if he's a liar or not but Eric would not answer the question. He kept saying that he didn't lie, he just lied about the one thing.
Howard asked Eric how he knows that he's not lying again. Eric said that because he's saying it now, it's not a lie... ''you big nosed bastard.'' Howard said he knows that Eric could come through and say that this was all just another prank after they get him into the American Idol thing. They have no reason to believe that he's telling the truth now.
Eric said that there is no an outside person involved with the whole thing and he won't lie. Howard told him that he has a lot to think about. He told him ''Liar, liar, PJ Pants on fire...'' and then accidentally hung up on him. He said he was trying to lock him in on the phone bank but he hit the wrong button.
Howard took a call but he told Gary he has problems with his phones that he may heed Gary to help him out with. He got Eric back on the line a few seconds later. Fred got in on the whole liar thing saying that Eric lied about the whole Sanjaya voting thing. A caller told Howard about another lie that Eric told on the show but Howard had forgotten about it. Gary reminded him that it was about Eric saying he would never call the show again. He couldn't stay away. Eric said he called in because Howard never stops talking about him. Robin told him he could just stop listening to the show. Eric said if he doesn't hear it on air, he'd hear it from some...body else. Howard let him go a short time later and said he thinks he might rename Eric ''Eric The Lying Midget Actor.''
Howard spent a few minutes talking about how great Pat was and how much fun he seemed to be on the show. He said he was kind of angry with Robin because she didn't come through for him when he asked her to let him feel her up. Robin denied Pat the chance to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Ozzy was going to be coming in to do the show. Howard said he's not sure why but Ozzy isn't booked for his show but he's doing a bunch of others. He asked Gary what was going on there. Gary didn't even know he was in town. Howard said that it would appear that he's blown them off this time. He said he kind of helped Ozzy out years ago but he knows he didn't put him on the map or anything.
The caller also asked Fred why he's never done Jeopardy. Fred said they're out in L.A. So he just never thought about it. That got Howard talking about Artie again and how he's blowing off this job to do ''Rescue Me.'' He said that this job is better than working on some TV show like that and he can't understand why he'd miss this show to do ''Rescue Me.''
Howard said he had Ozzy Osbourne (Billy Mira) on the phone to explain why he's not on the show. Howard asked Ozzy why he's not on the show this week. Ozzy told Howard that he does what Sharon tells him to do and that's it. He said he'd be on tomorrow if he was told to. He said he's on his way to do some internet radio show or something right now. Anything but the Howard Stern Show. Howard told Ozzy to tell Sharon that he's the boss of his life. Ozzy did that and told her to go fuck herself. Howard thanked Ozzy for the call and let him go after that.
Howard got back to the phone caller who asked to play this laughing game they started to play last week. Howard had gone off on Gary for screwing it up last week but it was supposed to have been fixed. Howard waited for Gary to come in with the game and played a clip of Bill O'Reilly pushing his ''No Spin Zone'' pen and how the proceeds apparently go to charity. Howard said that's a bunch of bullshit and they just say that to sell crap. He said he's pretty sure that Bill is making money on that crap too.
Howard played a clip from a sporting event where a reporter was talking about this Under Armor stuff and asked a fan about it. The guy said he was having a ''fucking great time'' which went out live over the air. Howard told Fred he has to put that clip at the beginning of the show.
Howard played a new song from the Bleeding Deacons. They crated a gay song about Sal and Richard to the theme of the Happy Days song. Howard said they also came up with a ''Gay Papa'' song about Sal that he had played the other day. He replayed that as well.
Howard said those guys should go on this new TV show that's coming out where they look for America's next great band. He said they should perform that ''Sal's A Gay Papa'' song and see how it goes over. He thinks it's that good.
Howard got back to the caller and said he was going to be playing for $500. He played a laugh and the guy guessed that it was Richard. Howard knew it was Big Foot as soon as he heard it. The caller got it wrong. He had to get 3 out of 5 so he still had a few more chances. The second clip was Crackhead Bob and the caller missed that one as well. Howard played number 3 and that was Elegant Elliot Offen. The caller got that one. Howard played the next clip but the caller didn't know who it was. Robin didn't recognize it. Howard gave the caller a pass on that one because it was kind of tough. The next one was Gary the Retard but the caller guessed it was Elliot Offen. Howard thought it was Elephant Boy at first but knew it was Gary after a couple of listens. The final one was Elephant Boy and the caller guessed it right so Howard gave him the $500 courtesy of the DVD release of ''Porky's.''
Dee said that they don't play often at all but the Christmas album they made turned out to be a hit. He said they kept it together and they're going to do another video and a bunch of promotion. They're going to be doing this Rocklahoma thing where they have 25 hair bands from the 80s for one big concert event. He said bands like Poison, Ratt, Winger, Dokken and many others are going to be there. He said that some of the guys still look good in those bands. Howard said it would make a great movie if someone tried to kill all of the hair bands from the 80s. He said they'd have to live in a world with no hair bands. Dee said that no one would care if that happened.
Howard asked Dee if he hangs out with those guys from the other bands when they do concerts like that. Dee said that he never did in the past and he's pretty sure that those guys don't like him now. He said he does a radio show where he makes fun of all of those guys, and himself. He said he had Kip Winger come up to him one day and started to flick his chest saying he knew what he was saying about him but when he did that, he realized he was in shape and didn't mess with him.
Howard said that he's seen this video on YouTube where Dee knocks a guy out. Dee said ''no comment'' about that at first but he did talk about it a little bit. Howard played the video for Dee and Dee said he has been in situations like that and it could very well have been him in the video. Howard explained what was going on in the video and talked about how Dee beat the crap out of the guy.
Dee talked about how it's not good to have a guy just come up to you and punch you in the face. He said he had to take that guy down after that. Howard took a call from a guy who claims he put a camera in Dee's face down in Puerto Rico and Dee wasn't to happy about that. He said he did get some good shots of Dee's wife in a bikini and he did wank off to her after getting those.
Dee said that his wife wanted to come up with his daughter who is 10 but he told her that she doesn't want to hear Howard talking about this kind of stuff. Howard heard that Dee had renewed his vows with his wife recently so he asked him what was up with that. Dee said they've been married for 25 years and together for 30 years so they wanted to do this thing. They had this whole gothic ceremony at the end of one of their shows. He said he was wearing some really hot stuff and looked smokin'. He said that Penn Jillette performed the ceremony out there and they did it during one of his shows. He said they took it seriously and got new rings and stuff like that.
Howard said Dee makes the marriage thing look easy. Dee said that their relationship is hotter than it was back in the day. He said he never thought that was possible but it works for him and his wife. He said his kids give him a hard time about their public display of affection because they're still all over each other. Dee said he wouldn't change that if he could go back and do it all over again. Dee said the one thing he'd like to do differently was his career. He said that he'd like to be a football player.
Howard gave Dee a plug for this March of Dimes motorcycle ride he's doing this weekend. He said you can find out more on DeeSnider.com. Dee said he raised a lot of money thanks to Howard the last time he promoted a thing like that. A caller asked Dee if he's still riding a Borget motorcycle. Dee said he's actually riding a Von Dutch custom now. He said they're kind of like Harley's for those who don't know much about motorcycles. Dee said that he is afraid of getting hit by some idiot out there. Robin said she read a story about a guy who got run over by a truck and has nothing wrong with him because he was wearing a helmet.
Howard asked Dee why he wore a Leatherface mask the day his daughter was born. Dee said it was on Halloween, and it was fun, that's why he did it. Howard joked that he wore black face to his kid's birth. He got back to the plugs for Dee and mentioned the March of Dimes thing again.
A caller asked Dee about his Strangeland movie and if there was going to be a sequel. Dee said he's been working on it for years but ran into some legal problems for a while. They're still working on making that happen though. Howard took some more phone calls and let Dee's fans talk to him. One guy said that Dee gave him a black eye one time but it was something he was very proud of. He said he was happy he'd gotten punched in the face.
One caller said that they really should do a special about the Rocklahoma thing to get video of the hair band guys who have gotten fat and bloated. Howard said he'd like to see something like that. Another caller said that Dee was wild in that YouTube video where he beats the crap out of that other guy. Howard watched that video again and said it was amazing when Dee picked the guy up and threw him down on the ground. He punches him repeatedly and just picks him up to beat him some more. Howard said it's a beautiful clip and he shouldn't be ashamed. Dee said he really didn't remember doing it but it could have been him because he did have those pants back then.
Dee said that he's been listening to the Master Tape Theatre stuff lately and they played the old London shows. He explained what happened there and how he got into a fight in one of the bars they were hanging out at. Dee said that they were taking turns singing and some people said some shit about them so Dee ran out, took care of business, and got back on stage in time to sing his next verse. Howard said he remembers Dee flying like Superman out into the crowd and flew over two tables to get to the guys who were out there. Howard said his hair was so long it spread out like a cape when he flew across the tables.
Dee said that he got the other side of the story from the band who he was fighting. He said the band was Sigue Sigue Sputnik and they were the ones throwing stuff at them. He said they told him that when they saw him heading toward them he just kept getting bigger and bigger the closer he got.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone. Sour Shoes was singing some Air Supply songs for Dee and Dee said he can really sing. Howard asked Sour Shoes if he could sing any Twisted Sister songs. Sour Shoes broke into some Twisted Sister ''I Wanna Rock'' and did an impression of Dee that sounded more like a seizure to Dee. Sour Shoes did a little bit of his Scott Ferrall impression too.
Dee said that his son is doing some voice work these days. He said he's the voice of Pizza Hut, Doritos and other things. He said he's also getting married to his high school sweetheart soon. Richard Christy came in and said that he's been wanting to go to that Rocklahoma thing so he was talking to Doug Goodstein about going out there and shooting some video. Dee said that the show is going to be huge. Richard said he can't wait to see the chicks in the crowd there. Dee said that the chicks used to be 38-Ds and now they're probably 38-Longs.
Howard was going to let Sour Shoes go but he couldn't figure out what to have him play. Dee suggested he perform Aerosmith's ''Lick and a Promise'' so Sour Shoes broke into the song. Howard hung up on him in the middle of it. Howard gave Dee some plugs for all of the stuff he's involved with. Dee mentioned this Fangoria Radio show that he does there at SIRIUS. He said he's been getting some great feedback about the show but he needs to get the word out more. Howard told him he'd do that for him. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard asked Gary how he got to New York. Gary said a doctor flew him in, the guy is letting him give away free breast implants on his show so he got in some plugs for him. Howard said that Gary has done a lot of great interviews over the years. He mentioned his Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone and other interviews. Gary said he thinks the best was Rosie O'Donnell because she was such a bitch to him. There was also the recent Lorenzo Lamas interview he did when he wasn't supposed to. Howard played that interview where Lorenzo was answering his questions no problem but a woman came over and kicked Gary out of the event. Gary getting thrown out of the event lasts just as long as his interview with Lorenzo. Howard said he didn't understand what happened there and wondered why the people hate him so much.
Howard took a call from Grover who said that he saw Gary interviewing Cris Angel and Cris started poking him on the chest when he was asked if he thought he was David Blaine or something like that. Howard said he liked Gary's interview with Leon Spinks but Howard TV had the Cris Angel audio. Howard listened to that clip where Garver asked Cris ''What do you think of that guy Cris Angel who stole your material?'' as if he were David Blaine. Gary said he had to shove Cris after he hit him in the face. Howard said Cris is a good guy so he felt kind of bad for him getting goofed on like that.
Howard gave Gary a plug for his web site and tried to read his Myspace plug but it was so long it didn't make sense. It turns out it was Myspace.com/GaryGarverLivingSingle. Howard then played Gary's classic interview with Leon Spinks. Leon was a good sport and answered all of his questions no problem. Howard said it was great to hear that guy talk and he wishes he'd come back on the show. He said it was like a whole hour of him saying ''Balaha ahbaa ahaha...''
Robin said her favorite Gary Garver interview is the one where he interviewed OJ on the golf course. Howard said he'd like for Sal and Richard to take the clips of Leon Spinks and make some prank calls. He took a call from a guy who asked Howard how annoyed he was with Artie today. Howard said he's really not annoyed at all. He said that he and Artie have an agreement that he can do stuff like this when he feels he needs to. Howard said he agreed to that deal so he's really not annoyed. He said he really doesn't understand why he thinks that ''Rescue Me'' is more important than this job though. He said that he could have told them that this job is more important than ''Rescue Me'' is. He thinks that Artie might be kind of enamored with the show even though there are probably 4 people watching that show. He said Artie has done other TV shows and this radio show has to be more fun than jobs like that.
Howard asked Gary if he's getting laid at all these days. Gary said he and his wife are cool now. Howard thought he went kind of mental for a while because he was out quoting the bible and stuff like that. Gary said he's getting some hotties out in Los Angeles these days. He's doing just fine. Howard told Gary that running after his ex-wife quoting the bible is just the wrong thing to do. Baba Booey heard that Gary has turned around completely and has been hanging around in the porn world lately. Gary said he has been getting some chicks but he didn't want to say who he's been banging. He said he's got some good friends in the porn world thanks to Howard. He won't say who the girls were though.
Jeff said he has to come back to the hospital in a few months to stay for a few more weeks. They're going to do a skin graft from his thigh to his ass and that's going to be very painful. He'll have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks for that. Howard said that the original ass blister is up on Howard TV and they also have some other good stuff up there this week. He mentioned a bunch of the shows that are up there now.
Howard wondered what bone that awful infection had spread to in Jeff's ass. Jeff said that it must be his ass bone but Robin said it was probably his hip. Jeff said that they have him on all kinds of good drugs to drown out the pain. He's not sure if they dug down into the bone or not.
Jeff asked if he could get a copy of his Birthday show on DVD. Howard told him no problem. Jeff also asked for Howard's autograph on something. Howard said he'd do that, then he heard that they had already sent it out in the mail. Howard let Jeff go and said that was ''Jeff the Half-Assed Drunk'' since he'd just had half of his ass removed.
Howard played another clip where this Vanessa Laine said some anti-Semitic things in her interview. Gary was asking her if she trusts the Jews when she said that she doesn't and said that they're cheap. She also said that she probably wouldn't sleep with a Jew. She also talked about giving oral to a woman who was on her period one time which made the guys gag a little bit.
Howard said he couldn't believe that Brandy chick had leveled him saying he wasn't good looking. He wrapped up with Gary after that and gave him some more plugs for his web site, internet TV show and all of that stuff.
Howard asked Steve if he thinks he's a good looking guy. Steve said he was but then stumbled when he was asked if he thinks he looks better than Gary Garver. In the middle of that discussion Gary mentioned that he's charging $5 per month for his TV show. Gary said that it's actually $4.95 and he knows that no one is going to subscribe. Howard wondered if his people know that no one is going to sign up for that. Gary was laughing hysterically saying he knows no one is going to sign up, but he'd be happy with a few people. Howard asked how often the shows are happening. Gary said he's doing a show per week.
Howard said some of his guys went on Gary's web site and no one is on his message board. He heard that Gary had one post on there and it was Gary who posted. Gary said that wasn't true, he hasn't posted anything on there himself. Howard told him to chart how many subscribers he has on his web site. Gary laughed and said that it'll probably be 3 people. He said if it doesn't work out he'll just move on and do something else. Fred kept playing the ''0.0'' audio clip from Animal House that Artie always imitates.
Howard had Steve Langford get back to his news rundown. He said that Shuli will have some audio from behind the scenes at ''Rescue Me'' with Artie. They have that and more coming up today on Howard 100 News.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll talk about Artie missing work today to go do the Rescue Me thing. They'll also talk about that Maxim Hot 100 list thing they talked about on the show earlier today. Jon mentioned a few other things they would be talking about and then Howard wrapped up and went to commercial break.
There were a bunch of TV show discussions after Robin brought up a story about NBC's fall schedule. Howard was saying that he's kind of gotten back into ''Lost'' after losing interest this season. He was also saying that he doesn't get that show ''My Name Is Earl'' and said he didn't like the one episode he saw. Robin said she's stuck with ''Lost'' all this time and agrees that it's gotten a little better lately. She said she actually liked ''My Name is Earl'' too. They talked about some of the NBC shows that have been renewed and the fact that Richard Belzer is still playing his character Munch in ''Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.'' He's been that character for many, many years. Howard said Belz asks him to go to dinner all the time but they just never do go out.
Gary told Howard that they have some audio of an interview that was done with Artie just a few minutes ago. in the clip Artie said that no one there at Rescue Me is calling him fat, questioning if he's on drugs or making fun of his grandmother over a megaphone. He also said that there aren't any guys licking other guy's nuts on the set there either. He will be back for the Andy Dick roast tomorrow though. Howard said that roast should be great and he's really looking forward to it. They wrapped up the news and ended the show around 10:50am.
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Howard started off the show saying there was good news in the newspaper this morning. He didn't get to that right away, he mentioned that they had the Andy Dick roast coming up today and they've already gotten a letter from his publicist saying that she loves them but she had to resign from being his publicist yesterday. Gary came in and said that she actually just resigned this morning! Gary said they flew Andy into town and he was going to do the CW news this morning but canceled that so now they have to get him a car to get there to SIRIUS and now he's probably hated by the CW news.
Howard said he's not sure what the publicist quit over but it could have had to do with that. Artie said that he got calls from comedians around the country wanting to roast Andy. Howard asked Artie how his Rescue Me episode shoot went. He said that they actually shot 2 full episodes yesterday and they did that because he wasn't able to do two days in a row because of the roast today.
Howard asked Artie how his first day of healthy eating was. He said it got ruined because he was eating over there at the craft services and not eating healthy. He said he was talking to the people there and he was learning their family names and stuff. Robin said it's trouble when you start to learn stuff like that. Artie went on to talk about how great the craft services was over there. He had an omelet first thing there and described what he had put in there. Howard asked him if he's ever been charged for food from there because he eats so much. He said he hasn't.
Howard asked Artie if he had to take a shit there since he did eat so much. Artie said he was able to time it in a way he didn't have to shit until he got home. Howard said he's lucky that way, he's usually able to hold it in until he gets home. Artie said he gets caught in some bad situations once in a while.
Howard wanted to see what Artie was up to weight wise today. He told him to get on the scale but Gary told him that the scale wasn't set up this morning. Then he let him know they have a scale in the bathroom that they could use. Howard anted to do it but Artie really didn't want to walk all the way over there and said they could weigh him tomorrow.
Howard said he heard that Scott the Engineer was out eating cupcakes and things like that even after his diet. Scott came in and said that he took just one bite of a cupcake while he was eating a black and white cookie. Scott told Howard that he's still on a diet and not eating a whole cupcake or anything. The guys goofed on Scott about that stuff for a short time. They were talking about the shorts he wears to work in the morning. He gets changed when he gets there.
Howard said that the shorts Scott wears just kind of drape over him and he really needs to update them. He heard that Scott had some onion rings for lunch the other day. Scott said he had just one and had ordered them for the whole table. Gary came in and said that the guys Scott went out with were some lawyer friends of Doug Goodstein's. He also said that he thinks that Scott will gain weight by the end of the year. He wanted to bet Scott that he was going to be up to 245 pounds, from 218, by Christmas time. Scott didn't want to take the bet.
Howard told Artie to get on the scale that they had just brought in the studio. It wasn't the usual scale that they use in there. Gary set it up and found that Artie was right around 300 pounds. He had just eaten a cupcake so he could have come in at 299 if he hadn't eaten that. Howard said he thought Artie was going to be even heavier and have a funny weigh-in.
Howard said that Fallwell's whole life was messing with homosexuals and trying to get their rights taken away. He read the news story which pointed out that Fallwell said that 9/11 was caused by the gays and things like that. Howard said that he's also looking forward to Pat Robertson's death as well.
Howard read more of the article and would get sidetracked talking about all of the bullshit this fucker must have been into every day when he went to work. He said he was amazed that they actually found a heart in that guy. He said the guy had 22,000 members in his church so Howard called them his ''dupes'' and read through a little more of the article.
Howard had an audio clip of Tammy Faye Messner talking to Larry King about the way she found out about Fallwell's death. She made it seem like she was going to give some amazing story about how she got the news. She said she was eating in a restaurant when she got a call from her son. Wow. Tammy said she broke into tears when she heard the news but Larry pointed out that she had some nasty things to say about him in the past. She said she wished that she could have settled things with him before he died but she wasn't able to make that happen.
Howard said he liked how she said ''you're not going to believe this'' when she told that lame story. She said that's such a televangelist way of telling a story. He said if she said she was sitting on the Sybian, that would be an unbelievable story. That led to the guys making up stories that she could have told that would have been unbelievable, not that she was sitting in a restaurant eating.
Howard said he thinks that they're just trying to get rid of them and they're not pulling in any ratings over at CBS. He said he's heard that they're going to be changing the formats on the CBS stations and he thinks that this is a smokescreen for what's going on. Howard said he wouldn't be suspended over something like that because he brings in millions. He said he'd never come up with a bit where he'd think punching Condoleeza Rice in the face was funny.
Howard said that there is no such thing as free speech on radio. He said you answer to the advertisers and if you don't bring in the advertisers, you don't have an excuse for doing anything. He said that's what this is all about. He said it's actually like a big favor to those guys telling them that they're too outrageous to be on the air.
Howard read through the article about the suspension and how there's a merger that they're trying to make happen and these guys are causing some unwanted press. He he was mentioned by these guys and it always happens when these DJ-types get into trouble. He said the article claims that he's their nemesis but he said he never thinks about their show, or about them, so he's not a nemesis. He said that they might look at him as their nemesis but he couldn't care less. The article says that they've offered him a truce but he doesn't care about that. He's not involved with their drama.
The article says Howard is their worst enemy even though he's the one who opened the door for that type of broadcasting. They're asking Howard if he's with them or against them. Howard said he's neither. He's not with them, he's not against them. He also said that their biggest enemy is themselves. He told them to just do their show and have a blast. He doesn't want them to call him for help, he doesn't care what they do on their show. He said he has nothing against them, and he has no reason to join them. He told them to get some ratings on terrestrial radio or bring in some listeners over at XM and then call him when they're at the top.
Howard read that the guys apologized for the segment they did that got them into trouble. He tried to find it in the article but it turns out they got defensive when it came to the apology thing. He said that they're into some trip that he's not on. He said he's really not their nemesis but they apparently want him to be. He said that he must be their nemesis because he's so super successful and they're not. He told them to go have a good time with their show and leave him out of it.
Howard said he'd have a hard time joining guys who are talking about punching a woman in the face. He said he doesn't know if they were joking around or what was going on there. Robin also brought up another morning crew that was fired over at Free FM there in New York and how unfunny the bit was that they were doing. Artie mentioned that he threw in a joke about Imus in the episode of Rescue Me and they're going to leave that in the show. He said the line made the crew laugh and they're apparently enjoying Imus' firing so they left it in there.
Howard said that in this business you have to satisfy the advertisers. That's it. If he can't do that in the future, he will be gone. He said that if you want free speech, walk into a closet and talk to yourself. Robin also said you can also go out on the corner of a street and hop up on a soap box and talk.
Howard wondered how he's supposed to join with these guys in their movement. He said he might have to have a sit down with them or something. He also talked about how he's always had people trying to get rid of him from radio shows. He said that when he was getting fined by the FCC for years and years, no one was backing him up and ''joining him.''
Robin said that Jerry Fallwell was saying that he needed another 20 years to finish the work he was doing. Howard said that killing him was apparently God's answer to that. He had some quotes from Fallwell where he talks about how he'd like to see all of the public schools taken away and replaced by church. Howard read through a bunch of quotes where Fallwell went off on the gays. He said there were thousands of quotes but he didn't want to go through them all. He said he's just glad the quotes will stop now that Jerry is dead.
Howard said he was surprised that they weren't going to keep him in there like that before. They have no idea what Jeff is capable of. Howard said he saw a guy on 60 Minutes who had no arms. Jeff interrupted him and asked if he was going to put him down even more. Howard stopped himself and said he was going to do that but he decided to stop.
The guys talked about the surgery Jeff had an how he's going to have to have a skin graft on his ass in a few months. Artie missed that call yesterday so Robin and Howard filled him in on that. Jeff asked Howard not to hang up on him because he wanted to stay on hold to hear the roast. Robin said that the hospital is going to go broke with Jeff there doing stuff like that.
Robin figured Jeff was on some good drugs so Jeff tried to remember the name of the stuff. He eventually remembered it was morphine after Robin threw that out there. He said he's on that and on Vikodin. Artie told him that sounds like a fun morning to him.
Howard said he might have another bit to do. He said that they could get together a lot of whores and find out what it would cost to have them lick Jeff the Drunk's asshole.
Howard said he had a new bit to play and it was supposed to be Jerry Fallwell in hell. Richard had thrown that together and it was clips of Nick Manning ''Dropping loads'' on Jerry Fallwell. The Nick Manning clips were made to sound like Satan doing the load dropping. Artie said that sounds like his hell too. Howard said that might be Andy Dick's heaven though. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said there's this guy who wants to date Robin and he's on the cover of Playgirl magazine. He sent that along to her but Robin didn't sound too interested in it. Howard threw the picture in the garbage but Robin wanted him to hold on to it so she could check it out.
Howard said that he got a gift from the drummer from the band System of a Down. It was a new Spider-Man book that just came out. Robin said he sent her a book as well. That led to the guys talking about how the guy has over 10 million comic books. According to Gary he's actually going to start advertising with them later this year because he's going to be selling the comic books one by one. Howard had Fred play some of their songs. Howard said they do have some great songs. They went through a bunch of their hit songs but Artie asked to hear some Caninus songs, where they have a dog as the lead singer. Fred threw in some dog barking and growling sound clips into the System of a Down songs. Howard thanked the guy for the gifts he sent after that.
There were some people who wrote in and told Howard to leave Artie alone and not give him a hard time about doing that show. One person wrote in and told him that ''Rescue Me'' is great and they get about 4 million viewers on average so that's about as many as Howard has listening to his show. Howard didn't think he had bashed Artie at all yesterday.
Howard said some people were upset with Howard for giving Rosie O'Donnell a free SIRIUS radio. He said he did that as a promotional thing because Rosie can talk about it on that show she's on. He read through some feedback about Hanson's appearance earlier in the week. There were also some people who wrote in about Dee Snider's appearance yesterday. One guy suggested that they get Sour Shoes an ISDN line so he can sound like he's right there in the studio. Robin thinks that keeping him on the phone is a good idea.
Howard read some mail about the ''I'm a Gay Papa'' covers that have been rolling in. That led to him playing some of the covers of the song from various people. He said he likes the Bleeding Deacons cover and thinks that one is the winner of all of the submissions they've had. He also played a couple of their other song submissions. They remade ''I'm a Gay Papa'' into ''Sal's a Gay Papa'' which was another great one. They also sent over some other parody songs that Howard has played.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she missed Artie yesterday during the Oprah discussions. She thought he would have been great during that. She also said that she wanted to talk about Jerry Fallwell. She said she had a relative who died of AIDS and didn't like what Fallwell said about that being God's wrath against gays. She said that she and her grandfather were clapping as they watched the news about him being dead last night.
Robin tried explaining to Artie what they were talking about on the show yesterday. They ended up getting back into the discussion about Lisa G's size zero. They talked about other people like Tammy Faye and how she must be less than a zero at this point. Lisa said she didn't want to go there. She said that Tammy is dying.
Lisa said that Scott Ferrall is going to be in a new film and they'll have more about that. Scott will be playing the part of a fast talking sports announcer. Big stretch. Lisa also said that she spoke to Andy Dick and he's going to be changing his life after today. Howard told her that he's been through this before, it's a regular thing with Andy. Howard said Artie said on Monday that he was going to start his diet on Tuesday, it's Wednesday and he hasn't started it yet. That's what Andy's life changing will be like.
Lisa had a Page 69 story to go over. She mentioned that Brian Phelan's wife was giving him some ''road head'' and everything went fine until he got home and his mother-in-law saw the stain on his pants. She said they'll have more about that story during the news today. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that they have Rev. Bob Levy as the host of the roast. Shuli was there, Colin Quinn was there. Howard spent a minute talking to Colin and then mentioned that Benjy was going to be part of the roast. He also said that Dave Attell was there and it was an honor to have him there. He said he hadn't seen him there in a while so he was very happy to see him. Dave said that he has actually partied with Dick before so he knows what that's like. Howard mentioned that Sal the Stockbroker is going to be in the roast. Greg Fitzsimmons would be there but he was running late. Artie Lange is going to be part of the roast so he was up with the rest of the guys. Yucko the Clown was there to be part of the roast, he actually begged to be part of it.
Lisa Lampanelli was there and Robin said she was looking better and better these days. She didn't recognize her. Colin Quinn said that he's always been attracted to Lisa but she always says that Bob Levy is so good looking. Lisa said that Bob was actually wearing his ''I've given up on life sweat pants'' so she wasn't so attracted to him today.
Howard said it was time to bring in Andy Dick, their guest of honor. Andy came walking in a few seconds later and Robin said she's actually looking very good today. Howard said that maybe he doesn't need to go away to rehab like he was claiming. Andy said he wasn't going away, he was going to do his own program. Andy said that he's very nervous and he wasn't able to sleep last night thinking about this.
Howard turned over the show to Rev. Bob Levy who started goofing on Andy immediately. He was also joking about Howard's engagement. He asked Howard what Beth and his underpants have in common... They both have old farts on them. He then went off on Robin a little bit and goofed on her weight. He asked if they were pumping oxygen or calories into that booth of hers. He also said that he thinks she actually ate Mr. X. Bob then moved on to Artie and got some cricket sound effects from Fred with a joke or two. Bob had some problems with his papers. Howard told him it might be time to move on to other things. Bob then moved on to Andy Dick. He said that this is what happens when Pauly Shore won't return their calls. He goofed on Andy about the gay stuff and said that Andy does like to eat pussy, but only after a guy has shot a load in it. He had a few other funny jokes he told and then turned it over to Shuli.
Shuli got up and said he's a fan of Andy's... and then said he was kidding. He then said that Lisa Lampanelli had liposuction and the hose went from her ass right to Robin's mouth. Shuli was throwing in a lot of jokes about Robin and then moved on to Artie. He said that Artie has managed to get a beer belly on his neck. He then moved on to Howard and talked about how he wants to move to Florida and how shocking an old Jew in Florida would be. He also said that Howard will also say that the Jews down there are copying him when they move down there. Shuli had some more jokes about Robin and her break up with Mr. X and about Howard and Beth's engagement. He said that he can see half of Howard's money going to a poodle shelter when they get divorced. Shuli moved on to Andy a short time later. Shuli covered the gay stuff with Andy and talked about how annoying he must have been because Phil Hartman worked with him for 3 years and then took the easy way out. He also said that Andy is known for impersonations and he's been impersonating a sperm bank for years. Shuli talked about Andy's radio show and goofed on that a little bit as he was wrapping up.
Howard told Andy he liked him in ''Employee of the Month'' as if he were trying to cheer him up a little bit. Andy said he was fine and wanted to hear some more gay jokes. Bob Levy then brought up Colin Quinn. Colin joked about Bob being in the business for 20 years and not even being able to get Jim Florentine on the air. He goofed on Sal about breaking his arm when he fell off stage and how when Howard lets him go he's going to fall off the face of the earth. Colin also goofed on Gary and Benjy a little bit. Richard Christy was also goofed on. Colin goofed on Greg Fitzsimmons who wasn't there yet. He hit Shuli with a couple of lines goofing on him about the places he plays at. He then hit Dave Attell and then Artie with a couple of jokes. He goofed on Robin about her racing and then hit Lisa Lampanelli and threw out a joke that no one got. Sal told him to move on after that. Colin then moved on to Andy Dick and said he should be explaining himself to Chris Hanson on Dateline right now. He also said that sometimes he thinks that he studied acting with David Hasslhoff on YouTube. He said he also can't wait for Andy to play the role he was meant to play, Phil Spector's son. Andy said he might actually play Phil Spector after that joke. Colin wrapped up and ran off to catch a plane after that.
Howard gave Colin some plugs and then talked to Andy about his publicist leaving him this morning. Andy said ''it was mutual.'' He said he didn't want to do a TV show this morning because he didn't get any sleep last night. Andy said they tried to get him to do this roast for a long time and he wasn't able to get out of it. He said he got out of the TV interview instead. He said the publicist told him he made her look bad but it was him, not her, that looks bad.
Howard had Bob Levy get back to his thing. Bob introduced Benjy Bronk who has never roasted anyone before. Benjy got up and said that a lot of people will be making fun of Andy for sucking cock. He said that Artie had man cum on his chest, Sal had his balls licked by another man, Greg Fitzsimmons dug into his son's ass looking for worms, Shuli is a Jew... He said that Colin Quinn has sucked off a priest and fucked a cat. He said that Andy doesn't seem so bad after all of that stuff. He also had some jokes about Lisa Lampanelli and how she's managed to transform herself from really fat and ugly to just kind of fat and ugly. Benjy said that a lot of people say that Sal is racist, but that's like saying the Nazi's were anti-Semitic. He moved on to Robin and said that she's such a white person. She rides horses, races cars, reads, eats with utensils... He said she's so white that she's adopting a black child. He also joked about Howard and how his future fiancé is able to say her ABCs and her favorite show is Dora the Explorer. Benjy was having some issues with dry mouth but Howard let him keep going. He had some jokes about Ronnie the Limo Driver that didn't go over so well. The guys told him to wrap up since he was going on a little too long. Benjy moved on to Andy and goofed on him saying he wasn't really gay, it turns out he's just a really ugly chick. Gary cut Benjy off and told him to give his best joke so they could end it. Artie said he fell asleep an hour ago. Benjy kept going but Andy actually finished one of his jokes for him so they ended the torture.
Bob Levy got back up and goofed on Benjy a little bit. Yucko said he hadn't seen that much bombing since Fallujah. The guys told Benjy that he needed to tighten up that material a little bit. Bob introduced Dave Attell next. Dave got up and said that Benjy's act was about as much fun as watching cum dry on Andy's back. Dave goofed on Bob Levy about his act a little bit. He also said that it was good to meet Shuli because it gives him and idea of what he'd look like if he had AIDS. Dave also joked about Yucko and how the Virginia Tech shooter got more laughs than his act. He moved on to Howard and Robin. He said he heard that Robin likes vegetable so much that she has Teri Schiavo buried in her pussy. He also goofed on Artie a little bit saying that he was going to play an island in his next movie. He said that he's just 10 pounds and a tube top away from being raped at a Puerto Rican Day parade. Dave moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and goofed on her a little bit. Then he got to Andy. Dave got in a few jokes about him and pointed out to Benjy that he knows what he's doing. He said he's not saying that he's gay but he heard that he went to the hospital to get 2 gallons of cum pumped into his stomach. He said that he heard that Andy decorated his cock as a door bell at Halloween last year. He threw in a few other jokes before wrapping up. Howard had to go to break after that.
Gary said that Andy's son was sitting on the couch watching all of this going on. He thought that was kind of weird. Howard said that he saw Bobo in the audience. He said he's got the worst hair piece he's ever seen in his life. It doesn't match from the top to the sides. Gary tried to pull it off but it was glued on too tight. Howard also said that this guy Todd was in the audience. He was a kid he took across country when he was a camp counselor. He spent a few seconds talking to him and then took some phone calls.
One caller said that Benjy is a good writer but his delivery was pretty bad. Benjy thought it went okay and wants to hear it again. Howard took some more phone calls. A few people talked about what they thought of Benjy's act. One guy said that he thought it was more painful than watching his father fall off the roof. He said that Artie should know what that's like. Artie said that at least his father knew to fall off the roof quickly.
Bob Levy introduced Sal the Stockbroker who goofed on all of the comedians they had there because it was like watching Comedy Central... five years ago. He then started going off on some of the other people in the studio. Sal said he thought Benjy was reading one of Opie and Anthony's bits from their show while he was doing that act. He then went off on Robin saying that if they wanted to stop her from laughing, all they had to do was put her on a scale. He told her she shouldn't be racing, she should be jogging. He said he heard that instead of a checkered flag, they're going to wave a sandwich at the finish line in her race against Bubba. Sal went off on Artie goofing on his comedy act and his weight. Sal then went off on Andy wondering why he was roasting him and if they were going to be roasting Dan the Song Parody Man next. He said that he thinks that Andy is so infected that he has to use a tissue to change the channel when he sees him on TV. He said that Andy could give a stool sample by wiping his cock. He also wondered how Andy got a woman pregnant, was he spooning and cum leaked out of his ass? Sal said he was going to cross the line after that. Sal then brought up Beth Ostrosky like he was going to goof on her and then just congratulated her on her engagement.
Bob Levy introduced Greg Fitzsimmons who had showed up a little bit late this morning. Greg got up and said that the crowd was really on fire and thanked them for that. He said it must be tough to get people in there at that time of morning. He pointed out some of the people in the crowd and goofed on them. Greg then told Artie he looks great and said that wearing corduroy is a good look for him... in May. Greg then asked Rev. Bob what church it was, Episca-failure. Greg didn't have anything about Shuli, he just moved on to Sal. He said that the stuff Sal and Richard did in the past was fine but it might be time for Sal and Richard to just fuck. He moved on to Artie and said that the only healthy thing he's ever eaten was Dana. He said it must have been great when there was no money exchanged at the end of the evening. Greg said the only role Artie is going to be able to play getting so big is Rosie O'Donnell's cunt. He moved on to Lisa Lampanelli next and made fun of her looks. He threw in a joke that was used by Shuli earlier. Greg had missed it since he was on his way in. Greg had some jokes about Dave Attell. After that he got to Andy Dick and said he really thinks that he is a brilliant comedian. He said there was no reason to roast him because he had been shit on at every other roast already. He then asked Howard what happened to him and why he's playing chess and getting married instead of doing the old show he used to do. He said that Beth was teaching him about off shore accounts the other day and she was able to divide 50 million in half. Greg got back to Andy after that and said that he heard some bad news the other day, Andy's AIDS has some blood in it. Greg was having some problems with a couple of his jokes bombing. He tried to save them with some other jokes but they weren't going over so well either.
Howard had Bob Levy get back up to introduce Artie Lange. Artie got up and apologized for the sunglasses. He said that this shouldn't be too hard because Benjy was the funniest guy so far. He goofed on the audience in the studio and then went off on Bob Levy. He goofed on Bob for a short time but it wasn't going over very well with the crowd so he moved on to Sal. He goofed on him about the gay stuff he and Richard have done. He moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and joked that she had sex with Richard Jeni... yesterday. He also said that he's been unable to find the drug that makes Lisa Lampanelli fuckable... but then the other day he found that drug when he met her boyfriend. That drug is poverty. He moved on to Robin and goofed on her about dumping Mr. X. He asked what Jeff the Drunk and Mr. X have in common, they both just got rid of enormous, black pains in the ass. He said that if Howard wanted to get going early, he could have Gary pack up the rest of his jokes in a doggy bag. Artie got in some jokes about Yucko and Colin Quinn and then moved on to Fred. He had a couple of jokes about Dave Attell and Shuli as well. He then moved on to Andy Dick saying that people in show business usually change their names, but not to their favorite meal. He also said that Andy once rammed his car into a pole but it's usually a pole being rammed into him. He said that Andy is the only guy at a sperm bank who is asked to vomit in the cup. He wrapped up a short time later and thanked Andy for taking time out of sucking dick, doing drugs and fighting AIDS to come there.
Howard asked Andy if he was doing okay. Andy said he likes when they can make him laugh because funny is funny even if they're goofing on him. He said the gay stuff was being thrown around a lot and he didn't know he was that gay. Bob Levy introduced Yucko next. Yucko got up and goofed on Bob a little bit. He also got in some jokes about Howard and Robin. He also goofed on Lisa and threw in the N-word. He moved on to Artie next who has gotten so big, 303 pounds, that he's an area code. He also said he went out and rented his movie ''Beer League'' and when he said he'd bring it back soon, they told him not to worry about it. Yucko then moved on to Andy Dick and roasted him. Yucko honked his horn after each joke. He said kept it short and sweet after throwing in the N-word a couple of times.
Howard had Bob Levy continue and he started to introduce Lisa, or Lis-er, Lampanelli. Andy asked to take a break before they got to Lisa because he had to prepare for something. Howard went to commercial right after that.
Howard had Andy get up to shoot back at everyone after that. Andy had props with him and even a whole band with him. He said that he's not a roastmaster general so he doesn't usually do this stuff. Andy said he'd love to do coke with Artie because he knows that at the end of the night he could dig into one of his chins and find another ounce of coke in there. Andy said that he might just check into rehab after all of this beaus at least the doctors will pretend to be his friends there. Andy said that this might be the most elaborate intervention ever. He asked Dave Attell if that's the case. Artie told him an intervention would have people who care about him there.
Andy goofed on Dave Attell about his failed TV show and his look. Andy goofed on Benjy and some of the other guys like Sal. He wasn't going rapid fire like the other guys were. Benjy said he was actually feeling pretty good while Andy was up there. Andy said that Artie is up over 300 pounds now and it seems like he just forgot to die. He said that what Artie really needs with his death wish is a death genie. Howard told Andy that he should do some songs but he said they were for Howard and Robin.
Andy was kind of bombing with his jokes about Colin Quinn so Howard asked him to please do a song. He didn't do that, he just goofed on Greg Fitzsimmons saying he just recently learned that he existed. Greg said he must have forgotten about him working for his show. Greg then went on to tell a story about Andy and his inappropriate behavior at a bar one time. After that Andy finally got to one of his songs. He sang one about Robin which turned out to be funny. He had a bunch of words that rhymed with the N-word so he didn't have to use that in his song. He'd also throw in ''Quivers Please!'' in the song.
Andy moved on to Lisa Lampanelli calling her a bunch of names and making fun of her look. He was on a roll with the jokes about her. Howard told him to sing again before he ruined it though. Andy told him to just hold on and he continued to goof on her. Howard kept asking him to sing the song about him. Andy kept going with his Lisa jokes though. In the middle of one of his jokes Yucko honked his horn with half a honk.
Everyone started chanting at Andy to sing his song so he went into the song a short time later. The song was about the Jews and how they should run away because Hitler's after them. Howard told everyone to give it up for Andy but he wasn't quite done with his song yet. Howard apologized for that and then wrapped up but Andy wasn't quite done with Robin. He said that Robin's cunt looks like Bob Marley eating a pastrami sandwich in a cave.
Howard thanked the audience for being there today and thanked all of the comedians who participated in the roast today. He gave Bob some plugs for his upcoming gigs. Colin Quinn was gone after running out of there so quick. He thanked Dave Attell and gave him some plugs. Howard also thanked Yucko, Greg Fitzsimmons and Lisa Lampanelli. He gave them all their plugs and also thanked Andy Dick for going through the roast and taking it so well. He wrapped up and went to break after that. Here are some links to the comedian's web sites:
Gary said he heard that Sal was really going to let loose on Andy but the guys actually took it pretty easy on him. Howard said Andy did seem a little upset that so many jokes were about his dick having shit on it and stuff like that. Howard said that Andy also told him that he's not going into any rehab program.
Gary said that Andy had a special bottle of water he was drinking and how he had poured it into his coffee at one point. He thought that was kind of odd. The guys talked about some of the strange stuff that Andy has done in his life and how they all came up during the roast.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he didn't think Benjy was all that bad. Howard said if he had edited a few of his jokes, he would have been really, really good. Fred said he had some really funny jokes but they were watered down by the jokes that weren't so funny. Howard said he was nervous for Benjy as soon as he got up there. He said that usually a comic will make you feel at ease when they're in control but Benjy didn't do that.
Benjy said he thought that Howard's attitude toward him affected the audience in there. The caller asked Benjy if he's ever thought of doing stand-up with the other guys. Artie said he's offered him the chance to do that but he hasn't taken him up on the offer. Benjy said he thought today would be a good experience for him doing something like that. He's dabbled in stand-up comedy but hasn't done it regularly.
Artie said you never know how a joke is going to work. He said that some of his jokes didn't go over that well and he thought they would. He said the jokes he didn't think were going to go over very well actually did. Robin said there was one guy in the audience who didn't laugh once and they must focus on that guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought everyone killed in the roast but Andy Dick just sucked. He said he thought he was terrible. Robin said Andy seemed to be taking notes during the roast but he didn't seem to use them for anything.
Howard had Jon Hein get to his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about why Robin got hit so hard in the roast today. They'll also discuss Benjy's act and if they think he deserves another chance. Howard asked the guys there if they think he deserves another shot. Most of the guys think he does. Artie, Fred, Robin and others all said that he should get another chance. Steve the Intern was in there as well so he said that Benjy deserves that second shot. Fred said that he could work with Benjy on his jokes if he wanted. He also said that maybe he should work with Sal because he does so well every roast.
Steve the Intern said that they're going to be giving away the Intie Awards tonight on The Intern Show. He said it's the end of the semester so that's what they do when the interns are leaving. They'll have Steve Grillo on as a special guest as well. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
John Stamos stopped in late in the show. He heard that John had brought a friend with him but no one came into the studio with him. John said he just stopped in to say hi to Howard and the guys. Gary said that he's not a homo but he noticed that John hasn't hit the wall yet. John asked Robin if she's really single now and said that maybe they should ''do it'' for the show. Howard said that John is so hot that it might be like two chicks having sex.
A few seconds later Don Rickles came walking into the studio, that was the friend that John had brought with him today. Artie sounded thrilled to see him when he came in. Howard told Mr. Rickles that he was reading his book (''Rickles' Book: A Memoir'') and loved it. Then he asked him if he felt he was at a low when he did the ''Dirty Work'' movie with Artie. Don said that it was actually doing this show that was his low point.
Rickles told Howard that they actually met one time years ago at a convention. He said that he's been afraid to come on the show because of the stuff Howard talks about but his friend John there had convinced him to come in. Howard said he found it hard to believe that he was friends with John Stamos. Don said that John is still getting broads and at 81 he can't get that. He said that john doesn't tell him about his sex life but he doesn't need to hear that, he had his chances when he was younger.
Howard said that in his book, Don talks about how he was a loser with women in his life. He spent a minute talking about that and then Howard brought up the scene he did with Artie in ''Dirty Work'' and how great that was. Artie said he told that story on Howard's show and on Letterman and it's just a great story. Artie was telling him all of that and Rickles response was ''why are you yelling?'' Artie said he was just nervous talking to him.
Artie said that in ''Dirty Work'' Don forgot that Norm was playing a character and was insulting Norm MacDonald as if he were Norm. That led to the guys talking about Bob Saget who directed that movie. Howard thought Rickles must have been depressed when he had to work with the guy but Don had nothing but nice things to say about him.
Howard talked to Don about his friendship with Frank Sinatra. He talks about that stuff in his book and Howard told him that the stories were very good. He told some of the stories that Don tells in the book and had him finish one of the stories for him. Don told a story about how he was out with a woman one night at a restaurant and Frank Sinatra was there. He asked Frank to come over to say hello to impress the girl. When he came over a short time later Frank says hello to him and he stands up and says ''Not now Frank! Can't you see I'm with someone?'' and flipped out on him.
Howard said that Don is one of the biggest influences on his life and he loved watching him on the old shows like Merv Griffin and The Tonight Show. He said that he wanted to be just half as entertaining as him so that's why he tries so hard when he goes on those shows.
Robin had to get going in the middle of the conversation. She had to run off to the graduation she was going to. Howard heard that Don had gone out to dinner with David Letterman a couple of times. Don told a couple of stories about those dinners. Howard also asked him about Johnny Carson and the way he treated comedians on his show. Don said he was never treated poorly so he wouldn't know what that was like. don said that they never went to the notes that Johnny had on his desk. They'd just improv on the spot and riff off each other.
Howard also asked Don if there's anyone in show business who he doesn't like. Don said ''You!'' but said he was just kidding. He didn't want to say the names of anyone who he doesn't like. Howard said it was an honor to have Mr. Rickles there and thanked him for coming in. He said that the book is great too. He talked to him about that and said that the book comes across in his voice which is what Rickles was going for when he wrote it.
Gary came in and said that Mr. Rickles had to leave. He was tired from all of the appearances he's made lately. He was also telling Howard he met his ex-wife and she was a very nice woman. John said that Don was just on Regis with his ex-wife Rebecca Romijn earlier. He's hanging with all of the ex's. Don said he'd like to come in and hang out on the show just like he did today. Howard told him he'd love to have him in to just talk about the news or something next time he's in town. Howard gave Don a plug for his book ''Rickles' Book: A Memoir'' and Gary gave him a plug for some gigs he's doing at the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas later this month. Don said he'll be back in Atlantic City this October so Howard should come out and see him there. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Don and then let him go. Howard decided to end the show since Robin had left. He wanted to take some pictures with Rickles so he had Fred play some clips while he took the pictures. He played the clip from ''Dirty Work'' where he was goofing on Artie calling him a Baby Gorilla and talking to the food in his belly.
Howard came back and said that he loved that Rickles had come in and thanked John for dragging him in there. John said that Don will come back sometime. He just doesn't get up early in the morning to hear the show. Howard said he's heard that Don was nervous about him but he loves the guy and he'd love to go to dinner with him. Artie said that it was great that they did a roast and they had the guy who is the best at doing that stuff come in after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her family loved that guy and Don ripped her uncle a new asshole but then sent him a huge bottle of champagne. Howard let her go and then read through some commercials. He was in the middle of a Trojan condom commercial when he saw his old buddy Mark Cronin in Gary's office. He said he'd bring him in after the commercials.
When Howard was done he brought Mark in to say hello to him. He used to work on the old channel 9 TV show as a writer. Howard said that he had a cute girl with him too so he said hello to her. Howard asked him what he's got going on now. Mark is the producer for The Surreal Life, The Flavor of Love, That Girl New York, Charm School, Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and others. Howard talked to Mark about some of those shows and said it was good to see Mark. Howard said a quick hello to Mark's girl Peyton and then got back to John.
Howard talked to John Stamos about working on E.R. which seems to be going pretty well for him. John said things are going good. He said that he's back in touch with his ex-wife Rebecca and he's really happy for her that she's getting married again. He said he's over all of the bad feelings. Howard thanked him again for bringing Don Rickles in there today. Artie said it was a great, surreal ending to the day.
John said that he had Andy Dick over to his house a few weeks ago and he found Andy sucking on his finger at one point. He was also telling Howard he listens to the show every day and the day that Sal had his balls licked by Richard, he just happened to tune into the replays at that moment throughout the day. He thought it was a great moment on the show. John said he'd actually put up $10,000 to have Sal put his penis in Richard's mouth. Sal came in and said that he'd lick John's balls if they gave them $1000 right then.
Richard came in so Howard told him what they were planning. He said that Sal would be putting his cock in his mouth but they weren't going for it. Howard said that maybe they could make a deal where they'd have Richard take Sal's cock in his mouth for 2 and a half minutes for $30,000. There was an offer to have Richard put his tongue in Sal's ass. Richard wasn't going for it. Richard said he would stick his dick in Sal's mouth for the thirty grand but that wasn't going to happen.
The guys spent a few more minutes talking about how great Don Rickles was when he came in. Howard gave John a plug for ''E.R.'' and showed John some of the pictures of Sal and Richard's ball licking thing. Howard said that's the most downloaded Howard TV show right now. Sal was asking John to pull out one of his balls for them but John wasn't going to do that. Howard ended up talking about the hair on his balls and how the hair is actually longer than his penis. That led to John saying that they could play this game called ''Bag or Shaft'' where they pull out a piece of skin from their crotch area and someone has to guess what it is. That led to Sal pulling out some skin and then running over to John and pretending to fuck him in the ass. Howard had to tell Sal to get away from him. He wrapped up with John a short time later and ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show talking about his opening theme song that he performed with Rob Zombie for his ''Private Parts'' soundtrack. He thought it should have been a huge hit when it came out but it was around the time of the grunge movement.
Robin said that she was surprised that Howard didn't know her all that well. That led to him talking to her about the roast yesterday because he had asked her if she was okay after getting blasted at the roast. Robin said she really doesn't care what people say about her and it just rolls off of her. She said that there are a few core people she cares about and they're the only ones she cares about. Robin said she knows what people are going to do to her in a roast so she expected it.
Howard apologized to her for caring. Robin said she's kind of worried about him after he came to her with that question. He was going to call her last night but he ran out of time so he just asked her this morning, in private, if she was okay. That led to her asking him if he had lost his mind. He also asked her how the graduation was yesterday. Robin left the show early to go to the graduation for a girl who grew up next to her.
Howard said Robin's laughter is disturbing and he thinks that people are going to be disturbed by it. He said he was just trying to reach out to her because he cares about her, and she just laughs. Robin said nothing really happened to her and he was uncomfortable even bringing it up. She said it was very odd because he doesn't have time in the morning usually but today he made time.
Howard said he was just checking in with her because he cares. He said he's kind of sad for her and asked her to forgive him for loving her. Robin said it was touching but it was so long ago that it happened. She said she wasn't even thinking about it. Robin said she really didn't need anything after that. Howard said he cared about her and now he feels sorry for her. He said ''poor Robin...'' and apologized over and over again to her. Howard said he thinks that Robin is crazy. He told her that and continued to say that he was sorry for bringing it up.
Howard said that there's some real paranoia after those roasts and talked about how Bob Levy had a theory about why he wasn't getting big laughs for his Artie jokes. Bob thinks that his jokes didn't get laughs because the audience they had picked were big fans of Artie's who didn't want to laugh. Howard said he and the other guys had theories about who was picked to be in the audience and how the logic was kind of whacked out. Shuli was agreeing with Bob about the audience so they were talking about it on the Wrap Up Show yesterday.
Howard thought the roast was fine and maybe it would have been better if Andy Dick had a meltdown or something, but it went just fine. Artie said the crowd may have been a little more sedate than usual but their theory about the fans not laughing because they were fans of his is nuts. Artie said that they played some clips of Yucko the Clown's act and some of his jokes just didn't go very well, but he had one that killed. That's the way things go.
A caller asked Howard why Robin is talking so much on the air these days and ruins the conversations. He and Robin went back and forth on that for a few seconds before Howard hung up and moved on. Howard read some e-mail feedback about the roast and people were asking them to end it in the middle of the roast. There were also people talking about how funny some of Benjy's act was but his delivery was awful. There were people who didn't like the way the roasters were stumbling over lines and things like that when they should know them already and be able to get them out.
Howard said he likes just letting people talk without him interrupting them so that's why he just lets the guys go. He read some feedback about Lisa Lampanelli and people really seemed to like her. Howard thought they all did really well. Howard said he kind of likes the way they do it but Artie was saying that they edit that kind of stuff down when they do it on Comedy Central. Howard said they could edit it down if they recorded the roast at night or something. Artie said he likes it the way they do them now.
Fred said he was kind of upset that Robin left because some stuff went down after she left with John Stamos, Sal and Richard. Howard explained to Robin what had gone on where John brought up the ''sack or shaft'' game that he knew about. That led to Sal and Richard doing some gay stuff with their cocks. Howard said Sal pulled his cock out and ended up running up behind Stamos and pretending to stick his dick in his ass. Stamos almost took a megaphone and hit him over the head with it. Artie said it looked extra creepy to him and he had to agree with Fred on that. Fred said he was just joking when he told Robin he was mad at her for leaving.
Artie said that if Stamos had buried that megaphone in Sal's head he would have told any judge that he didn't see a thing. Artie said that Sal put his dick on the guy and if he had done that 15 years ago, he'd be dead right now.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said they were watching ''Private Parts'' last night and his charm shows that he could have gotten Beth even if he was her dog groomer. Howard said he doesn't know about that.
Artie said that the person who won ''easiest job'' on that show was JD. One of the candidates in that category was Fred of all people. Howard said that's great. Steve the Intern came in and said that they had people vote on the people who were in there and the interns seem to think that all Fred does is hit a button. Fred said that's basically all he does and then went off on the interns, or little pricks as Fred called them, for insulting him like that. He said they have no idea what he does there.
Howard said he wasn't even nominated for the funniest person around there. Steve said that Artie, Richard and Sal were the people nominated. They also talked about ''Biggest Head Case'' which Sal won. There was one for ''Creepiest person'' and JD won that one. There was one category of ''Most Like Someone's Father'' which Scott the Engineer, Gary and Jon Hein were all nominated for. Gary said that one was horrible and he's glad he didn't win it. He said he took a picture with one of the cute interns yesterday and she told him that her mother loves him. He hates hearing that kind of thing. Howard thinks that he's losing it himself because the interns don't even talk about wanting to fuck him anymore.
Steve told the guys that Will won the ''Best Looking'' person there even though there were some hot chicks on the list. Howard asked if any of the hot interns were there because he needs to hear one of them say that they would fuck him. Scott's intern Rachel came in and said that she loves Howard and would do him. She said she wouldn't fuck Scott the Engineer though. Rachel said that she's a mind fuck so she had to explain that to Howard. She said that if she thinks a guy is brilliant, she's turned on by them. That's what she meant by that.
Gary asked Rachel if she lived with a semi-celebrity. She said she did and it was Jay Mews from the Kevin Smith movies. She said she was 19 at the time. Rachel said she's 27 now, she didn't go to college early on, she put it off for a few years. Artie asked her if that Jason Mews dude had problems like he heard he did. She didn't get into details but said he kind of did.
Howard asked Rachel what's going on between her and Ronnie. She said she's fine but there was a time when Ronnie would say something kind of fucked up to make her look bad when someone else would walk by. Howard said there's always a lot of yelling and stuff between Ronnie and JD in the mornings. He constantly breaks his chops. Ronnie loves to torture people but he can't take it himself.
Ronnie came in and said that he's not going there with Rachel. He told Howard not to go there. Rachel said that people get really angry with each other in the back. She said that people stay mad when something happens in the studio and they hold a grudge. Howard said that Ronnie has people he doesn't want to talk to and he avoids them. Ronnie said he wasn't going to go there with Rachel so he told Howard to drop it. Ronnie said that he and JD have a thing they do in the mornings and that's what he was hearing this morning.
Robin said she was fascinated with the Ronnie thing with Rachel. Gary said he was dying to know what it was he didn't want to talk about. Ronnie said that Rachel has cried back in the office there. That led to Rachel talking about how she kind of screwed up one time when she started out there and saw Howard get really upset and that led to her getting upset that she had screwed up. Ronnie said that Scott really ripped her a new asshole after that. She said that she had 3 people come in and yell at her after that screw up. Howard said there has to be something else going on there. Rachel said that Scott, Ronnie and Evan all came back and made fun of her for the screw up.
Rachel said that there was a time that she didn't talk to JD for about 4 months because of something that happened on the air. She said that she's got issues with other guys as well. Artie asked what happened there. She said it was about the day she talked about the rides she was giving him back to his home and he got upset with her and stopped talking to her. She said they just started talking again recently.
Rachel said that there was also something with Gary and she's not sure if he still has a grudge against her. Gary said she seems to be thinking too much about what people think about her there. He said he doesn't spend any time thinking about her the way she's thinking about him. Gary also said that it seems like she came to work there and maybe came in not quiet enough. She brought in gifts for them and Gary thought that maybe it was a bit too much.
Gary came in and said that he really likes Rachel and she works very hard. She sometimes comes into his office to comment on stuff that happens on the show but he thinks she shouldn't come in so much. He said he actually likes her. She was going to leave but Ronnie said something to her about her ''starting it'' with him. Howard said that Ronnie has a noxious personality and he really doesn't know it.
Robin said that it is tough to get through Ronnie's group of people when they're all hanging out in the halls every day. Howard told Ronnie that he's not supposed to have a personality when he's out in the hall with people. Ronnie came back in yelling at Howard about how he's been doing a great job keeping the halls clear out there. He said that he does just as good of a job in the hall as Howard does behind the microphone. Robin said that he was saying that he was the Howard Stern of security. Ronnie said that's right and laughed as he responded to that comment.
Artie was talking about how Rachel really did come in there being very nice giving them gifts and stuff. He talked about how some people may have gotten upset with her about that. They discussed that for a few seconds but Howard couldn't stop talking about Ronnie and how he's not supposed to be a personality out there. He's security and he shouldn't be hanging out with people the way he does.
Howard said that Eric seems to want things from them but he's not as bad as Jeff the Drunk who seems to get really pissed after they give him stuff. Gary said that Eric has given him a hard time about stuff that he's tried to do for him as well. He needs some time to deal with the stuff they give him and if it doesn't happen fast enough, he gets pissed.
Howard had Jeff the Drunk on the phone too so he got him on. Jeff said that he's never cried on the show before. Howard had to ask him what he was saying because he was talking so slow from the morphine he's on. Artie said he wished he was Jeff this morning because he'd love to be on that Morphine. Howard said that he thinks that Jeff is the most ungrateful guy they have calling into the show. Jeff said that he's not ungrateful but he was talking really slow which made Artie laugh his ass off.
Jeff said that he's doing okay in the hospital but he can't smoke. Artie told him he's got the good stuff now, he doesn't need to smoke. Howard said that you're not allowed to smoke in the hospital, they had to take that away. Jeff said that he can't even go outside to smoke. Howard said that's probably because he's on the morphine. Robin said Jeff was saying that he wanted to smoke inside but Howard said that's not right, he was saying that he wanted to go outside and smoke but they took that away because they want him to leave the hospital. They're trying to make him miserable.
Artie said that he can't let them send him home without the weaning meds because he'll be scratching himself and stuff if he doesn't ween himself off the morphine. Howard said he's sticking by his thought that Jeff is the most ungrateful fan of the show. Jeff said he thinks that Eric is the worst. Eric told him ''Shut up trailer park boy...'' and then asked him how many tickets he thinks his trailer will have when he gets out of the hospital. Artie got a laugh out of that.
Eric was trying to goof on Jeff but Jeff told him to shut up and started to mumble stuff about where he was staying and how he wanted all of his fans to send cards to the Albany Medical Center. He said that small, unmarked bills in the cards would be nice. Robin asked Jeff how much morphine they're giving him. Jeff said they give it to him whenever he wants it. Howard let him go after that and asked Eric what he wanted.
Eric said that he was kind of annoyed about something Howard did to him. Artie wanted to know what it was so Eric said that it was the idea about putting the pasta sauce over him and giving him that job. Howard said that Johnny called the show suggesting that job, they didn't give him the idea. Eric told Howard to check with Johnny about it because he was on hold. Howard said he didn't have to check with him, he knows he didn't give him that idea. Robin said that Johnny came up with the idea, not Howard. Howard said he doesn't have conversations with Johnny off the air so he didn't come up with the idea.
Howard swore to Eric that he didn't come up with that idea. Johnny was the one who told them about the job and they thought it was kind of funny. Eric said he wanted to be a scout for Johnny's ''Beverly Hills Angels.'' Howard seemed to get annoyed with Eric and let him go after that.
Howard said that Blake should win and the fatso's will never win a contest like that because no one wants to see that. He said that when Mariah Carey gains 30 pounds, they put her into hiding and stretch her pictures to make her look thin.
Howard said that the first Blues Traveler video that was made didn't even have John Popper in it because of the way he looked. Howard talked about how Avril Lavigne and even Britney Spears were popular because they were attractive. He said he heard Sal saying that he thought the girl who got kicked off American Idol looked like a gorilla. Sal came in and said that he knows it's an awful example because she is black, but he thought she looked like a gorilla. He said he sees her on that show, she looks like a confused gorilla that got bashed on the back of the head with a bat. Sal said when he turned that show on he thought that it was a National Geographic show. He claimed it wasn't racist to say that though. He said it was just fact, it wasn't racism. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said he hasn't heard from King in many years. He said that's because he went to college and things like that. He said his life changed when he went to college so he had to stop doing them. Artie said it's hard to make a phone call with a cock in your mouth as well.
Howard played one of King's calls from when he was a mere 15 years old. In the call King of all Cable calls a call in show and says he's in a cult and he thinks cults are great and he was in the cult of Howard Stern and Baba Booey. He threw in a couple of other things like Hong Kong Fooey and things like that.
Howard played another call that King made where he disguised himself as a National Transportation Safety Board person. He did that when there was a plane crash and then tells the CNN reporter he was talking to that the people on the plane were listening to Howard Stern. The crew at the news show went nuts when they heard that.
Howard asked King what was worse for his parents, the prank calls or him coming out of the closet. King said they had no idea he was gay so he had to sit them down and tell them. He said that he's not opposed to taking it in the ass either. He said he started doing that when he was around high school age. He joked that it was Artie Lange who nailed him for the first time.
Howard said that Matt, or King of Cable, is very taken with their intern Kevin. He had Kevin come in so he could ask him about that. Kevin came in and said that he gets hit on by gay guys quite a bit. King asked him if he's ever had a gay experience. Kevin said something happened when he was 8 years old but it was really nothing. Kevin said that King has been harassing him all morning. Howard told him he's off limits to Matt. Kevin said that none of the hot chicks there ever hit on him, it's just this one gay guy who did hit on him. He said he was kind of flattered but he didn't want any guys fucking him. He explained what happened when he was 8 years old with another boy. They just showed each other their dicks and that was it. There was no touching.
Howard let Kevin go and got back to celebrating the King of Cable. Howard said he had a bunch of calls of his to play. Howard heard that Scott DePace was annoyed with Matt so he called him in there to talk to him. Scott said that Doug Goodstein was just making something out of nothing with that. He said they were all making comments about the show and Doug blew it out of proportion. Matt was goofing on Scott's shirt and Artie got in on that and made fun of the shirt that looked like something from the 80s. Howard said that he was wearing a shirt that looked like a table cloth.
Howard said that Scott was actually saying that if Matt was his son, he'd be ashamed of him. He said he wasn't being quite truthful. Scott came back in and said he never said such a thing. He said they were making stuff up now. Howard let him go again and played some more of King's prank calls. He played one where King called the head of the NAACP and told her she smelled like Howard Stern's ass. There was another call where King called a sports show and threw in Howard's name along with Baba Booey.
Howard said that there was another call that King didn't even get through with where they started talking about him because they recognized his phone number. The host said that they knew they had someone trying to play a game with them and they were going to trace the calls and prosecute them if they continued. Howard said the funny thing is that they tried to take him to court but when they found he was a minor, they dropped the case. King said that it was the funniest thing to watch on TV when he was doing it.
Captain Janks said he remembers when King was 15 years old he wanted to show him the ropes about how to make prank calls. He said he took him to go see Larry King doing his thing at a convention and they got chased away. They spent a minute talking about that.
King told Howard he did all of that for Howard because he loves him so much. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said this guy was really good at that such a young age. He also said that he thought the roast was good yesterday, he doesn't care what anyone says.
Howard played another call that King made to a TV show on BET as Spike Lee. He got through and they believed that it was actually him. King told the black youth to listen to Howard Stern and Baba Booey and then got hung up on. The hosts had a good sense of humor though and didn't get pissed, they gave him props for fooling them. Howard played another call where King called a call in show and threw out all of the crew's names while talking about college sports. The host went of on him and King said that was the best when they'd go off on him like that.
Howard played a call where King got through a bunch of times in a row. He threw out Howard's name each time he called in. Howard said he thinks that the greatest thing about his show is that this idea of calling in and throwing out the name of the show united all of them. He said it was brilliant when they did that and it inspired other shows to do the same thing. King said that Captain Janks started it all and he had so much fun pissing people off doing it.
Howard said that King had made a call to Mayor Marion Barry and asked him if he had experienced prison love when he was in jail. Barry didn't know what he was talking about at first and didn't get it until they hung up on him. Howard asked King how many calls he made in his career. King said he probably made hundreds but only about 45 made it on the air.
Irish John asked King if he's going to come out of retirement now. King said he will and it will be good and it will be a surprise when he starts it. Another caller said that this week is like one big fag-fest with all of the gay stuff going on. King told him to go fuck himself. Howard mentioned that King is going to be on Superfan Roundtable tonight as well.
Howard played another call that King made to a sports call in show where he threw out Howard Stern and Baba Booey. They hung up on him and took another call, which was King again throwing out the Baba Booey stuff again. Then a few minutes later he was back on the phone and throwing out Howard Stern once again. He did that a bunch of times that night. King said he had a bunch of friends help him out calling that show over and over again.
King said that he was the one doing the multiple calls before Sal and Richard were doing them. He said he was doing that 10 years ago without the equipment that Sal and Richard have now. That led to Howard playing a call that Sal and Richard made to a chess show where they called in over and over again. The host is so bad that she's being told exactly what to say on the air by a director. Richard calls in and rambles on and on about nothing. They hang up on him and then he calls back and keeps asking the host how she's doing over and over again. They hang up on him and take another call which is Richard once again, and again. Then Sal gives it a try and calls in giving the host a hard time by not making his move fast enough.
Howard said he was going to say some nice things about these guys. He said that he was going to do an Oprah moment and did the ''We Speak Your Names'' thing for him and Janks. King then got in a plug for his Myspace page (Myspace.com/TheKingOfCable) and Howard wrapped up and went to break.
Artie said that he got a letter from George Takei and it was very sweet and thoughtful. He read the note which started off ''Dear Muffin...'' George told Artie he did a great job on Entourage and now he wants to act with him after seeing him on there. He said that's a dream of his now.
Artie showed Howard and Robin the card he sent and how it was from a Broadway show or something. Howard read the back of the card which described what the picture was. He did it in his best George Takei voice as he read the description. Artie said he loves George and he will never, ever throw that card out. Fred played some George Takei ''YEAH!'' song parodies that they had. He also played a prank call Sal made to a pizza place using that ''YEAH!'' clip. The pizza guy would mention a food and then George would go ''YEAH!'' and laugh.
Howard said there wasn't one straight thing on the card George sent. He said that the picture was gay, George's handwriting was gay, the description was gay... The whole thing was gay. After that Howard brought up the Hottest Tranny contest they're holding and how they're still looking for contestants. He said the contest is sponsored by HotMovies.com. Howard played a theme song for the contest after that. He figured that Siobhan was on the treadmill as they spoke, getting into shape for the contest.
Howard said he saw a woman roller blading through Central Park but he was later told it was a transvestite. He said the only person he knows who was fooled by that was Scott DePace one time. Scott came in and said that wasn't true. He said he did think it was a woman on his lap but he didn't kiss her, she may have kissed him on the cheek.
Scott said he's kind of mad at Doug Goodstein for telling them what he was saying back in the control room. He said Doug likes to throw him under the bus. He went off on him for a few seconds before Howard kicked him out.
Artie told the guy that he might want to try and become illegal because that way he wouldn't have to pay taxes. Howard said that maybe they should give this guy a free subscription. He wasn't sure if they could do that or not. Then he went off on mangos and talked about how much he hates them. He said he loves fruit but mangos are the one he really hates. He told the guy that maybe he'd do better picking them than sorting them as he was saying he does for a living. He said they import them from Peru and other countries so Artie told him that he's just importing the wrong thing from Peru.
Howard asked Gary if they could get him a free subscription or not. Gary said that they could do it but it might be starting a bad trend. Gary said that if they do it today, and they get a call tomorrow, they can't do it again. Howard said that if anyone else calls in he's not going to be able to do it for anyone else. Even if the person who calls in with a foot blown off or something like that, no subscription. The only person who will get a subscription is the guy who kills Osama bin Laden.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he was very happy he got into the roast yesterday. He talked about how he fell over some chairs when he was there. Howard told him that his toupee is the worst looking thing and he should give it up already. He said it screams toupee when he sees it. He said he's the worst at telling who has a toupee but his is so bad, it's like a hat. The toupee is high up on his head and it just looks odd. Robin told him it would be more natural if he just wrote ''toupee'' on his head.
Lisa G said that Page 69's Jason and Will have another gossip story about Sal and the make up he brings with him on the plane when he goes out to do shows. Artie said that would really piss him off if he had to be held up for crap like that. They spent a minute on that before Howard let Lisa G go.
Howard and Artie were talking about the food they've been eating from Pump lately. Howard had to ask the guys to stop the restaurant from putting onions on his. He said Beth has been smelling it on him lately and he's got to stop it. Artie has been eating the same food Howard is eating trying to lose some weight. Benjy said that Howard throws out a lot of the meal he gets. He said he doesn't eat bread usually. He said that it's also cold and that's not what he likes so he just doesn't eat it.
Howard said that Beth ran into Artie's sister Stacy at Whole Foods the other day and she was telling her that she's worried about Artie. That led to the guys talking about how Artie doesn't usually look like a fat guy, even when he's kind of overweight. Artie said he knows that he does look overweight now that he's at 300 pounds. Robin thinks that he gets off on people worrying about him.
Artie said someone fucked with him this morning by putting this Artie Lange Death Watch web site post up on his screen. He said that they have pictures of him from 2 years ago and from a recent show. They write about how bad he looked on Conan O'Brien and he's really bothered by how bad Artie is looking these days.
Artie said that this is a wake up call for him and on the web site they talk about how the family should take out an insurance policy on him. Artie said that he is planning to leave the money to his mother and sister and a god daughter he has. After Artie described what kind of money he's insured for an what his family is going to get, he said he now knows why Stacy says that he's really not a fat guy.
Artie said that there are fans out there that he feels he owes things to. He said he'd gladly put one of those type of people in his will. Howard said he would think about doing something like that as well.
Howard had Steve the Intern back in the studio to talk about the awards. He ran down some of the categories and the winners. They had already gone over a bunch them earlier in the morning. Howard said that the Most Condescending winner was Doug Goodstein. Steve said that he's the type to usually just ignore the interns. He said his back is always facing them and he never talks to them. Gary asked how he got nominated for that category. Steve said that there were a few interns who thought he was kind of condescending.
Doug came in ad defended himself saying he's not there to socialize. He's there to work. Doug said he gladly accepted the award though. Howard said the best Wack Packer was Sour Shoes which was kind of surprising to Howard. That led to Howard taking a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Allison Steele impression when Howard picked up the phone. Then he went into a Stern related lead into a Pink Floyd song. Howard let him play for a few seconds and then requested that he do the intro for ''Money.'' Sour Shoes broke into his Scott Ferrall impression and did that for a short time as he was playing music. He has Scott's rambling down really good. He was even throwing in his Jackie the Joke Man laugh in there. Howard said that Sour Shoes is a real talent after he heard him doing all of those impressions. Steve said he talks to all of the interns and does impressions of each of them.
Howard said he heard that Sour Shoes lies about his age and claims he's 28 but he's really in his late 30s. Sour Shoes said he also had to come clean on something else. Sour Shoes said that he's 395 months old and then said he's 32 years old. Howard asked him to do the opening to ''Money.'' Sour Shoes set up his equipment within a few seconds and then broke right into the song. He had tons of sound effects and he had them ready within seconds. Howard was very impressed.
Howard moved on to ''Most Hated Wack Packer'' which turned out to be High Pitch Eric. Steve said that he gets abusive sometimes. ''Worst Dressed Staffer'' was JD. Howard got sidetracked when he brought up how Jon Hein has been asked not to wear shirts with logos on them. He said it's so annoying and there's no reason for it. Doug came in and said that they can't have something like a Pepsi logo on someone riding the Sybian or something like that. Howard said ''fuck 'em'' if that's what they think. Doug tried to explain it but Howard told him to remember that they're not on a real network and stop worrying about that stuff.
Howard went through some of the other categories from the Intern Show Intie Awards. He didn't like being left out of ''Funniest Staff Member'' completely. The scariest staff member was Tracy the office manager. Howard said he found that surprising but Steve said she really keeps them in line there. Artie said that when she gets mad, she really can go off on someone. Artie said that he's suggested some people for internships and he's got a bad track record with that stuff. Howard said he's got a really good track record himself so it's kind of funny that Artie has such a bad record.
Howard went through some more of the categories for the Intie awards. He got to the flirty staff member and it was Ronnie so Howard went off on him a little bit. Howard told Ronnie to leave the interns alone and stop talking to them. He played a clip of Ronnie accepting his award and claiming he's not flirting, he just likes talking to girls and not to guys. Howard also played a clip of Ross Zapin accepting his award for being the guy no one knows. He wrapped up after that and thanked Steve for coming in. The Intern Show airs Wednesday nights at 7pm on Howard 101.
Howard figured that Henry wanted to die and he was like that because he felt guilty for killing all of those people. Howard said it has to be difficult to sleep at night when that stuff is in your head. Henry kept laughing as Howard was describing that stuff to him. Robin thinks that he misses that life he had because he ratted out all of his friends. Henry said he does kind of miss that life but he's doing okay now. Howard talked about the old days when he was hanging out with the mob and what that must have been like. They spent some time talking about that stuff.
Howard asked Henry what his most satisfying kill was of all time. Henry said he killed a rabbit one time and laughed after saying that. He talked about one killing that was in the movie ''Goodfellas'' and how John Gotti had actually killed this one character. Artie described the scene to Howard in the movie where Joe Pesci's character gets killed and how that was supposed to have been John Gotti who did the killing.
Howard asked Henry if he had to kill anyone he liked. Henry said no but then said he ''never killed nobody.'' Artie said this was fascinating to him because Henry was lucid and talking about all of this stuff which he was linking to the movie Goodfellas. Artie eventually gave up because Henry was laughing and trying to change subjects.
Henry was explaining a bunch of these killings which some of the guys seemed to follow. Artie seemed to be the one who knew the most details about all of that stuff though. He was able to put two and two together and had Henry revealing stuff that he hasn't revealed on the show before. Howard said it must make him angry that he isn't part of that life anymore. Howard said he'd be kind of upset if he was sent away from radio and couldn't do that for the past 15 years. Artie said that this was all very fascinating to him so he kept asking henry for more details about the killings that they were talking about. There were all kinds of nicknames and real names being thrown around during those discussions.
Howard said that this guy Pauly wanted to talk to him. Pauly calls in each time and says that he wants to bury a hatchet in Henry's head but Henry thought they had buried the hatchet. Pauly said he still thinks that Henry is a scumbag. The two of them went back and forth calling each other names and cursing each other out. Howard had to cut them off and try to settle things down. He asked Pauly what he was trying to say. Pauly said he thinks that Henry is just full of shit about this stuff and he's making half of it up. He said Henry was nothing but a gopher and he never did anything for the guys he was working for.
Henry said that this guy is full of shit and he's just a wannabe who didn't do anything that he claims he has. Pauly said he knew Henry back in the day and he was just a douche bag back then. Pauly said that he never claimed he was a made guy but he did hang out with those guys. Henry kept telling him to shut up and called him a bunch of names. Howard had to cut them off over and over again as they were arguing. He tried to get the story out of Pauly but Henry kept saying he was full of shit and none of what he was saying was true. Pauly said that henry was just there to go fetch food for them.
Henry and Pauly continued to yell at each other over and over again when Howard would ask questions. Pauly was telling the guys where one guy kept his guns stored. Howard had to let Pauly go so he could talk to Henry a little more without interruption.
Howard said that henry is selling art work on eBay.com
now. He mentioned that quickly and then took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that Henry wasn't a made man but he was a friend of those guys. He said that henry was also never charged with doing murders and he believes it. Henry said he never stuck an ice pick in anyone's head but he might have been there when it was happening. Henry claims that he could admit to murders if he had done any but he didn't.
Artie asked Henry if he got any money from the big Lufthansa heist. Henry said he got $50,000 from that. Howard took another call from a guy who asked him how he liked that rubber cock in his ass. Henry went off on him a little bit. Gary came in and said he was reading that some other guy had admitted to the murder of this guy that Henry claimed was murdered by Gotti. Henry explained that and went into all kinds of details about who killed this person for this reason and gave his side of the story. He said it was all a set up. Howard said he loves this mob shit.
Howard played a clip from ''Goodfellas'' where Joe Pesci's character was talking about a Jew Broad and how she seemed to be prejudiced against Italians. Artie said that movie has to be one of the most perfect movies ever. Henry said that was an actual conversation he had and that's how he ended up meeting his wife, for real. Henry said that he's with another woman now and the other woman he was with was a piece of shit.
Howard gave Henry some plugs for the art work he's selling on eBay. Robin saw it up on the monitors in the studio and pointed that out to Howard. Howard said ''Oh shit'' when he saw it. He said it looked like the trees were growing out of the water. Artie said that it looked like a third grader's work to him.
Howard played another clip from Goodfellas before letting Henry go. Henry talked about that scene and how it all came about. Howard told him it was nice to hear him coherent unlike the last time he was on the show. Henry said he's opening a restaurant up in Connecticut soon so he hopes that they'll all come there. Howard sarcastically said ''Oh yeah, I'll be up there.'' Howard let Henry go a short time later.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker who wasn't on last week. He said they missed him last week and played him a new phony phone call that the guys made using a clip of Mike making a sheep sound. They used that to call a phone sex line. They had Mike making his sheep sound and the phone sex chick pretending that he was one. They also threw in his fart sound during the call.
Howard asked Mike if that's very far off his personal reality. Mike joked that he can't comment on that, he really can't. Howard said that those guys are very good with those phone calls. Artie said they have to thank Mike for making some of the creepiest sounds on earth too. Howard had Mike get to his game a short time later so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said that story about Yoko couldn't possibly be true, if it is, life is crazy. He said that is the height of arrogance for someone to do something like that. Howard said he would love it if they could produce that stewardess on his show. He said that would be great.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they have a source claiming that they may have caused the results of American Idol to be changed by doing this investigation into the possibly fixed show. They were told by a source that Simon Cowell was so upset with the investigation that they switched the end result of the show to throw them off. Steve said the only way to prove that the audience is voting the winners is to release the phone records to see if that's where the votes are really coming from. Steve said that they still aren't calling them back about this stuff. Steve said that High Pitch Eric is being thrown out of his apartment today and he's desperately trying to give away his pets.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned some of the stories they'd be covering today. They'll be talking about The Intie Awards, The King of Cable and also about Henry Hill's call to the show today.
Mutt was on the phone to talk about what they had coming up on Superfan Roundtable tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. They'll be talking about the Andy Dick roast and also about some of the other stuff that went on this week. Howard wrapped up with him after that and went to commercial.
Howard played a clip of Sean Hannity talking Christopher Hitchens about Falwell. Howard said that the guy was spot on with all of his comments about Falwell and he thinks that he's terrific. He said he's very articulate and got it all right. He talked about how right he was about what he was saying about Falwell. Howard played some audio of Falwell coming out after 9/11 and blaming the pagans, the abortionists and the homosexuals for what happened. Howard said he can't imagine saying that to people.
Howard said Falwell was interviewed a week before he died and he was asked if he had lightened up at all. He hadn't. In the clip Falwell was saying that he still stands by what he had said back in 2001 about all of that. Howard said there couldn't be much more of a horrible human being than Jerry Falwell. Robin said that the guy was anti-gay but he had a gay guy ghost write his book for him. Robin said even that gay guy couldn't come out and say anything bad about him. Robin had some news clips ready to go so Howard played some audio of that guy talking about Falwell and how he liked him in his personal life, but not in his public life.
Howard had some more tape of Christopher Hitchens talking to Sean Hannity about the Jerry Falwell thing. Hitchens called him a vulgar fraud and a criminal during that discussion. Hannity said that he had attacked Falwell's family but Hitchens said that he never attacked his family, he said that he was going after Jerry himself. Hannity then went off on the guy after he had invited him on the show to do just that. Howard played a bunch of clips and spent a few minutes talking about all of that stuff. Howard and Robin liked what Hitchens was saying about the guy even though Hannity and Colmes were trying to rip him apart. Howard said he likes the way this guy Hitchens goes out and just tells it like it is.
Howard played some audio of Larry Flynt talking about Jerry Falwell so that got Artie doing his impression of him. He goofed on Flynt a little bit about the answer he gave when he was asked about Falwell's death. Howard had Robin get to her news after that.
Gary came in and told Howard that the Chris Hanson guy from Dateline was out in the lobby and wondered if he wanted to talk to him. Howard said it was way too late for that and didn't want to get into it with him. Robin got back to her news and wrapped up a short time later. Artie mentioned that he'll be hosting this show tomorrow night at midnight called ''Live at Gotham'' on Comedy Central. Howard ended the show after that, right around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show asking what happened at the VH-1 Fashion awards since he was nominated for an award. Fred said they're not supposed to air until Tuesday. Howard asked Robin if she knew if he won. She said she thinks that it would have made the news if he had. Howard figured it would have made the news and gotten some publicity for the show but they wouldn't want that.
Howard said he got a satellite dish so he had to spend the weekend programming it. He said he's got about 500 channels so it's tough to find just what you want. He did that and then watched a lot of TV over the weekend.
Robin said he should be happy that she's there, she had to be rescued this weekend. He told her to save that until after the break. He said they were there live, this wasn't a ''best of'' or anything like that. He went to break a short time later.
As the guys were listening to that report there was a lot of laughter coming from Howard and Jackie. Howard said he liked the report. He thinks that he's probably broken every law there. He asked for them to remove him from the air already, he's bored. He said they have a lot more of Canada to conquer after that. He and Robin talked about some of the jokes he said during the press conference they were pulling quotes from.
Howard said Robin's horse must have finally earned it's keep after getting her home. Robin said the horse just went up the hill that she thought they couldn't go up. She said she didn't want to go up the hill but the horse just went right up and over. She said she had people waiting for her in Manhattan because she wasn't supposed to be out in the woods like that. She said some people were sent out to find them because they were gone so long. She heard a megaphone asking if she was lost. They actually found her because they heard hear laughing out there.
Howard said that he figures that they have about .005 percent of their listeners riding horses that can relate to her lifestyle. Robin said that they were lucky because it was starting to get cold out and her friend's feet were starting to freeze by the time they got out of there. Howard said they were probably just 100 yards from the barn and didn't even know it.
Howard found the article he was reading about this ''satellite radio'' and how he thinks that it will create a bunch of new jobs and it'll be pretty good. He found some other interesting articles that he read while trying to find that satellite radio article. He read about JFK Jr. Suing a hair dresser or something like that. He eventually found the article about the satellite radio. The company was called ''CD Radio'' and they were racing to find a location for the studios. Howard said they were thinking of having the studios in New York City. Howard said they were saying they needed $500 million to get the company going. Howard thought that was a lot of money and it would take a while to finally get it out there.
Howard said the satellite powered receivers would be about the size of a silver dollar. He thought it sounded pretty cool. Robin had many questions about it and wondered how the satellite thing would work because they do satellite stuff for the show and they only have a certain time to do it. Howard said that's because they rent time on the satellite to send out the signal for the affiliates.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer thinks that his jinx is gone now that he's placed a bet and won. They had a fan call in and have him bet his $100 on a team he wanted to lose and they ended up winning so Scott thinks his curse is gone. Howard said if it was Scott's own money and he had placed the bet himself, he would have lost.
Howard had Gary come in to tell a story about a curse that's on the Cleveland Indians and where that all came from. Then Scott came in to talk about the bet he had won. Scott said it was his own money, the guy gave him the $100 so it was his money at that point. Stuttering John came in and said that they could bet on some games tonight if they wanted to. Howard asked Scott if he wanted to bet him with his own money. Scott said that he would pick the Dolphins but Howard told him he wasn't going to take the bet. He said he didn't have to take a bet if he didn't believe in it. He said that Scott is a loser and any bet he makes with him, he will lose. He has to take a bet that he likes though.
Stuttering John told them that they could take another game so Howard said he'd do that. Scott said the game was a pot luck game and he didn't want to bet on it. Howard said he'd give Scott whichever team he wanted but Scott didn't want to go for it.
Howard wanted to play cards against Scott so he told Gary to go get him a deck of cards. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Scott but said he had to take a break. Scott claimed that his mind went with his heart when he bet on one game that he lost on not too long ago. Fred did his impression of Scott and said ''My mind went with my hair'' and started laughing as he said that. The guys all goofed on Scott for a couple more minutes before Howard had to go to break.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he became close friends with Tiny Tim toward the end of his life. He said he met him at an antique show one time and sat down and talked to him about his life. He said he would go to all of his shows and things like that. Howard figured that anyone could do that but the guy claimed he had Tiny Tim's teeth and could prove that he was close friends with him. Howard didn't care and hung up on the guy.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up Detroit and got Howard talking about that. He said he worked there for a while and knew how scary it could be there. Howard spent a short time talking about that.
Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who said that he had some stuff that would blow him away. He said that he didn't want to mention names but there are some people on his station out in L.A. That are stealing from him and plagiarizing his show. Howard said that's common and he's used to that. Larry said that they use Great American Nightmare in their opening of the show. Howard said it is on an album so that's no big deal. Melrose went on to talk about the other things the show does to rip him off but Howard didn't want to hear it. He told Howard that their names were Conway and Steckler. Howard told Larry to get off his case and not call him to rile him up. He said he's already in therapy so he should just leave him alone.
Howard said he had the governor of New Jersey on the phone and couldn't spend time with Melrose. Melrose told Howard that he's opening up for Jackie Mason at some comedy show. Howard said he didn't believe that so he asked him to tell some of his jokes. Melrose told Howard some of his jokes and Fred played a bomb dropping sound after each joke. Melrose said he does 8 minutes opening up for Jackie Mason and gave Howard about a minute of it. Howard told him he really should just take cyanide and get it over with. He hung up on him and moved on.
Howard also talked to Governor Whitman about how he liked that she didn't push for this late term abortion ban that the right wing conservatives were pushing for. He also likes that she didn't sleep with Marv Albert. He also liked that she kept her promise to name a rest stop after him.
Howard said he's going to wait until about 2 days before the election and then he'll start his push for Governor Whitman. He said if they get rid of her now, they'd be making a big mistake. He said that people don't really make up their minds until the last minute in elections. He said he liked the way Governor Whitman looked when he saw her on TV recently. She's been making herself up nicely these days. Governor Whitman said she'd be in next Monday and she was looking forward to that. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard said that Scott DePace was yelling about her not letting self-service gas stations in the state. He said that's the last thing Scott should be worrying about though. There are plenty of other issues that she's taking care of. Howard said the guy who is running against Whitman is and odd guy.
Howard asked Scott DePace to come in to talk about his complaints. Scott said that Jersey has a lot of laws that are ridiculous. He said that there's a law against self-service gas stations and he doesn't like that. Howard told Scott that he's got a low IQ and shouldn't be arguing this stuff. Gary came in and said that Scott must be retarded because he pumped his own gas in New Jersey just recently. Scott told him he couldn't have been in New Jersey. Gary wondered what kind of complaint that is because that means you don't have to pump your own gas. Scott said that was just a minor complaint he had. He's got others as well. Howard told him that's ridiculous and told him he's insane.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone who says that there is a law against the self-service thing in New Jersey. Howard told Scott he could talk to Governor Whitman about that next week when she comes in.
Howard said Jackie was there with Robin's horse and he was bouncing on the thing unlike Robin bouncing along with the horse. He said Jackie was bouncing on it so hard it looked like it would hurt the horse. He said that you have to see Jackie on the horse, they must have tape of it because E! taped it. Howard said he did touch that horse at some point. He said he was involved with the horse's nutsack.
Howard talked more about the satellite TV thing and how many cool TV shows there were to watch. He told Jackie that they have a new box now that lets you look at your menus and see TV at the same time. He said it's very cool stuff. He told Robin that he was watching a football game and also a national cheerleading competition. He said they are some hot broads in that competition. Gary said that the shows are usually sponsored by Tampax and that makes him feel kind of gay. Howard told him it's far from gay and he's watching it for the hot chicks.
Howard talked about the stuff the commentators talk about during the competitions and how odd they can be. Gary said he's seen some high school cheerleading competitions as well. Gary said that there are a lot of ESPNs out there now and they have all of that stuff on there. The guys talked about some of the crazy channels they have out there now. Howard said he blocks out most of that stuff since he doesn't watch it.
Howard asked Jeanie about what happened to her that made her like this. She said that she didn't really have the chance to develop when she was a child. She said that she wasn't molested or anything like that but her father was an alcoholic and he treated her very poorly. She said that they found their father passed out one time and that was a very traumatic event for her and her sister. She said that when she had a break down after all of that, she discovered all of her personalities.
Howard wanted to talk to the different personalities separately but she said that probably wouldn't happen. She said that they're all integrated. Howard asked Jeanie if she had different types of clothing and things like that. She said she absolutely did and some personalities wouldn't touch the other's clothes. She said that she's all integrated now so those separate personalities don't come out like that anymore. Howard asked her if she ever woke up with a sore ass after one of the personalities went out and had anal. She said she doesn't remember if it ever did.
One of Jeanie's personalities was called JJ and she was the promiscuous one who would go out and pick up guys. Jeanie said that everyone has similar personalities in them and that's what she writes about in her book ''Naked As We Stand.'' Howard said he was hoping that her personalities would all come out and start arguing with each other or something like that. Howard asked her how she wrote the book if she doesn't know what her other personalities did. She said she was able to do it years ago. She said they told her there was nothing physically wrong with her and it was all from not developing normally as a child.
Howard took a call from a woman who claims she's got 3 personalities as well. Howard asked her if one of them is a whore. She said ''oh fuck yeah'' to that. Howard asked her a few questions about that but he said he was getting confused by it all so he gave up on it and let both of the women go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is just an excuse for those women to go act like whores. Howard agreed with him. The caller also said that he thinks that anyone can write a book now that he's heard that woman. He also said he feels like going out and being a whore right now. Howard had to go to break after that.
Gary said that he can pick up his neighbor's baby monitor in his house. He figures that they can hear them as well so they make sure they never say anything in front of the monitor. Howard said that one time a listener called in and said that he had heard Stuttering john on the phone with someone so he called in and repeated the conversation verbatim. Jackie didn't know about that and he was the one on the other end of the phone.
Howard talked about how Gary used to be treated really poorly by this woman at NBC when he worked for her. Gary said that she used to yell at him all the time but she'd never curse over the two-way radio. Gary said one day he got a phone call from a guy who said he could hear those conversations and Gary should tell her to go fuck herself. Gary said that it's nice that someone knows how he's getting yelled at, that way he's not alone.
Howard said that NBC would go through this whole thing to make it seem like that woman was doing news reports when it was actually Gary feeding her information from the station. They also talked about the people they had who would volunteer to call in the traffic information back then.
Stuttering John came in and said it was really weird to have people telling them about conversations they've had on their cordless phones. Gary said that he heard a story about Madonna that was apparently spread after people heard her talking on a cordless phone.
Gary had another story to tell as well. He tried to sell an apartment but he wasn't able to sell it so he sublet it out to a woman. He said that he rented it out to this woman and went over to check it out to clean it up. He asked the woman if he could have his cleaning lady over there. She said that was fine so he sent her there. She said that he called the woman to leave a message forgetting that his cleaning lady was there. Then the cleaning lady picked up and told him how messy it was there. He told her he knew that and that's why she was there, the woman was a pig. Then he heard the answering machine squeal and realized that the woman was going to hear the answering machine message. He got a call from her later laughing telling him that she'd heard the message.
Howard played a new Crackhead Bob History moment. This one was Bob as a bus driver and an air traffic controller. Howard took a phone call after that. The caller asked how he could get in on this show they're doing on Friday. Howard said they were going to go out trick or treating but things aren't working out very well for that. He said that they have this bus that they can use to go around doing that but there are a lot of things that could interfere with the broadcast. He said he gave up on that idea after hearing all of the negatives. He said he thinks that other shows do that stuff all the time and he's thinking that it's all about money.
Howard said that he doesn't want to pre-tape the event, he wants it to be live. The caller asked about the thing they're doing with Kreskin later this week. He said that Kreskin is going to come in and have some guest channel the real Sam Kinison. He said they have nothing to do with what Kreskin is planning. Howard said he always thought Kreskin set that stuff up but he heard that they never did. Howard said he heard that Kreskin was always good at being very observant at what people do so that's how he's been able to do these tricks he's done.
Howard said he wants to see how Kreskin pulls this whole thing off because he's fascinated by it. He asked Gary to get him on the phone so he could ask him about it. Gary tried to get him on the line so they could talk to him. Howard said he'd like to talk to Kreskin's mother because he still lives at home with her. Gary said that they got an answering machine so they had to leave a message for him.
Howard said that they have to get 5 people down there to the studio and he's thinking that they have to be girls. Robin said that they should have a costume contest to pick the winners to come in there. A caller told Howard he worked for a TV show that shot a Kreskin trick one year and they had about 20 people picked at random and they had tables flying around the room and stuff like that. The people were just picked randomly so he's not sure how he managed to make that happen. He said they bought the tables, but Kreskin picked the people from the crowd. Howard said that Kreskin is letting them pick the people this time.
Howard played another interview that Steve did with Dennis Hopper. Steve was yelling for him to come over to him. He asked him a couple of questions and Hopper answered most of them no problem. Then Steve asked Norm MacDonald some questions. Norm wondered why he got Steve to interview him. He said he'd rather have Stuttering john. Michael Moore was also interviewed by Steve. He asked him to sing a little of his favorite John Denver song and Moore sang for him. Moore wouldn't stop singing as Steve was asking him some other questions.
Steve asked Fiona Apple a question and she flipped out on him about the question. Howard said Grillo got kicked out after that so he played some audio of that. The other press people were yelling at security to let him stay but they kicked him out anyway. Steve said there really weren't any good people coming to the press room. That led to him talking more about the part he had on NYPD Blue. His line was ''Rope head scumbags, we've got exits on the front side and the back.'' He mumbled through it so Howard and the guys goofed on him about the way he delivers his lines. Howard wondered if Amy Heckerling was hearing all of this stuff because she's a director.
Howard asked Amy why she has Gilbert Gottfried over to her apartment for dinner. She explained how she had been engaged to Bronson Pinchot for a while so Howard got sidetracked talking to her about him. He asked her if he's big in the pants. Amy just laughed. She said they started going out after he came in and read for her one time. Robin asked her if she's seen his new TV show. She told them that he moved out on her one night that she was out working on a movie and hasn't seen him since.
Howard had Gilbert Gottfried on the phone so he had the two of them talk about why they had dinner together. Howard figured that Gilbert was going there trying to get into Amy's pants. Gilbert said he was actually trying to meet Bronson Pinchot. Howard brought up the recent call they got from Amy's babysitter because she was so upset with the way Gilbert acts in front of her. Amy said that Gilbert is a sick person and it's not clear where to draw the line with him. Amy said that Gilbert asked her 12 year old daughter about having hair down below and he used the C-word describing it.
Howard asked Gilbert why he would do such a thing to a 12 year old. Gilbert said he called Amy's house one day and the babysitter got on the phone first. He did an impression of her talking to him and said that the daughter started laughing at her. He said that eggs it on even more. Amy said she kind of likes that this is going on at her home. Howard asked Gilbert if he thought it was inappropriate to ask something like that of a 12 year old. He said he does like to get to know people, so that's why he did it.
Amy said that Gilbert is the kind of guy who will insult the audience until they're all gone and then stand there telling jokes to make himself laugh. She said a guy like that isn't all there. Howard asked Amy what her daughter did when Gilbert asked all of those questions. She said that she told him that his career was over and he was down to just doing Cheerios commercials.
Gilbert said he's had Amy's babysitter call him at 3 in the morning to yell at him about the comments he's made about the Jews. He said she'll even put the 12 year old on the phone to yell at him too. Amy said she's kind of torn because she knows Gilbert can't help it but he is saying it to her 12 year old daughter. Gilbert said that they've left messages on his machine that he couldn't even play on the air. Gilbert said that he can really upset the babysitter, Barbara, by saying something pretty tame. They just keep getting on the phone even after he says that stuff though.
Howard let Gilbert go and got back to Amy. He told Steve Grillo he could leave too because Amy wasn't going to hire him. He went on to ask Amy about the movie Clueless and how that all came about. She told Howard that she wrote the movie just so she could get something made. She said she had to come up with something really happy so that's the movie she came up with. Howard told her that it was one of the funniest movies out there and he can't believe she came up with it. He asked if she had anything to do with the TV show. She said she was involved the first year but after that she was out. She said she really liked Alicia Silverstone for the part. Howard asked her if she has a moustache. She said it's just the shape of her mouth, it's not a moustache. Howard said it really looked like she had one in the Batman movie she was in.
Howard asked Amy how long it takes to write a movie like Clueless. She said it took about 3 months. She also talked about how she got involved with ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' Howard said she must be really talented and he's very impressed with her. He asked her who she had the kid with. She said it was a guy who wrote ''Police Academy.'' Howard said that he's impressed with these power couples that are out there.
Howard told Amy about the time Gilbert was in the hospital and the only visitors he had were him and Robin. He said no one in the press picked up that he was in the hospital even though Gilbert was afraid they were going to. After months of no press Gilbert asked him to say something on the air so maybe someone would take notice. Howard said he sent some people like Dice and Belzer to go visit Gilbert but Belzer just sat there and read the paper while he was there.
Howard said Gilbert asked him to get a thermometer for him that read digitally. He puts on his regular voice when he makes calls like that so Howard was doing an impression of that. He said Gilbert got all philosophical with him when he thought he was dying. Howard said he wondered what Gilbert was going to do if he left comedy after all of that.
Howard said he had Kreskin on the phone but he wanted to put that off until tomorrow. Gary told him it was important so Howard tried to get him on the line. He wasn't having any luck at first but he eventually got him on. Kreskin told Howard that he was calling from Resorts in Atlantic City and last night he lost some money. He said he had 30 bucks left and went and won 21 hands in a row which was very unusual. He had Security standing next to him while that was going on. Howard didn't think that was earth shattering news like he was saying it was. Gary said Kreskin will call him and tell him news like that and it's just big news for Kreskin. He said that Kreskin told him that it was going to make the headlines.
Howard moved on and talked to Kreskin about this thing they're doing on Friday. Howard asked how many people he wants. Kreskin wants 30 or 40 people so he can pick from that group. Howard said that would be fine with him and said he'd get them for him. Kreskin said he'll pick about a dozen from that group and do his trick. Kreskin said that they're going to try and channel Sam Kinison but if they can't get him, something crazy will happen.
Howard let Kreskin go and got back to Amy. He said he really didn't know how good looking she was. He asked her what she's working on now. She said she's directing ''Night at the Roxbury'' but Howard didn't get how they could make that into a whole movie. She said it's actually a very sweet movie. Howard asked her if she's dating the short guy, Chris Kattan, from the movie. She asked why he would ask that and that made Howard think that she was. He had pulled something out of the and got it right. She wouldn't talk about that with him but he swore that he didn't set that up. He swore on the life of his children that he didn't know anything, he just guessed at it. Robin didn't believe him but he kept swearing on the life of his kids that he did just guess.
Howard said he had to take a break and was about to when Tom Chiusano came in to remind him to take a break. Howard told him to get out and said that he was going to do another hour without a break just because he had come in like that. He spent a few more minutes talking to Amy about her movies and then talked to her friend Jay who was sitting in the studio. He talked to him and found out he's been friends with Amy since college. He's never boned her though.
Howard told Amy she seems very sad, like most directors. He wondered if she was on her period today or something. She laughed and said she wasn't on it but he thought she was lying about that. Howard had Amy's babysitter Barbara on the phone after that. She said that she and Amy are on the same schedule for their periods and she knows she's not on it right now. Howard was going to let her go but Gilbert was on the phone so he kept her on.
Howard let Barbara and Gilbert go at each other a little bit since it was so funny. Gilbert said he calls the house and asks Barbara to put the daughter on the phone and she'll put her right on and then he'll say that he wants to apologize and she'll put her back on. Then she'll ask him why he says things like that to a 12 year old. Barbara was explaining herself but Gilbert was telling Howard about the things he does to her to jerk her around. He was also doing an impression of her and goofing on the way she puts the 12 year old right back on the line when he asks her to. Howard said this is the movie she has to make, Gilbert and Barbara doing their phone thing.
Howard let Gilbert keep going with his Barbara impression. He continued to make fun of her so Howard asked Barbara if it's true that she looks like him. She said she has his hair but that's it, she's been told she looks like Grace Slick. Gilbert was going a little too far with his comments so Amy asked him to stop. Howard decided to wrap up with Gilbert at that point but then Barbara had more to say. He kept Gilbert on the phone and let him goof on her accent even more. Howard and the guys were laughing as that was going on. Amy's friend Jeff was laughing pretty hard as well. Howard told Amy that this was her biggest nightmare.
Howard let Gilbert and Barbara go and got back to Amy. She talked about how Bronson left her while she was shooting a movie and he left the house a mess. He had gotten mad at her for some reason and that's why he left. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then wrapped up and went to commercial.
Robin got into her news after that. She talked about John Denver's death and how it's led to his albums getting back into the top 10 album sales. Howard said he should have killed himself 20 years ago if that's the case. He told Jackie to do the same and maybe he could sell some more records. He said it would be funny if Jackie did that and didn't sell any albums.
Howard had Robin get back to her news and had her finish up a short time later. They ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).