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Howard started off the show saying that they're back live after their week long vacation. He said it hardly matters what date it is because they're stuck to a life sentence there. Artie was wearing his sun glasses this morning so Howard goofed on him about that and asked him if he did any heroin over vacation. He said he didn't do that but he did let down his weight loss team. He said the worse thing happened. He won $20,000 in the final four games. Robin thought that was amazing but Howard said that wasn't the end of the story. Artie said that' right, he's actually up by $35,000.
Artie said he got to see his scene from ''Entourage'' the other day and he thinks he looks like some guy who won an acting job on the show. He said he just looked dorky during that show. He said he was talking about how they had to change some of the lines in the show so they could show these shows on regular TV. They can't even say ''piece of crap'' on regular TV now. They have to change the line to ''Piece of junk'' instead.
Artie said he took some people out to lunch the day he was in the city for this thing. Will came out with him and he told him what he liked in the final four. He decided to put ten grand on the game and won so now he's put his bookie out of business which is something he's never done before. He said he's now up by 12 grand for the year. He said his bookie is a small time guy so it wasn't too hard to put him out of business for a while.
Artie said once he won that money he stopped thinking about dieting. He said he was actually getting good for a little while on his diet but then it fell apart after the bet.
Howard said they were off for a week and it was nice to hear that he didn't do any heroin. Artie said he was listening to the Mammary Lane last week where KC talked about how he had won and lost $330,000 on a gambling web site. Howard said that was the worst story he ever heard. He said KC had a lot of problems and didn't know just how messed up he was. He told Artie that KC looked like a winner while Artie looks like a loser whether he's winning or losing.
Howard told the story of KC's gambling and how he had hit a royal flush on goldenpalace.com and won somewhere around $330,000. He made the story short and said that KC figured he could take that money and set up his life perfectly. Within a week or so all of that money was gone. Artie said he had forgotten that KC was going to get $4,000 a week as the payout and he could have been set. He blew it all within a week. He was down to $200,000 within a day. Howard said KC had some kind of system he was using and he still managed to lose it all that fast. You'd think that KC would have stopped at $200,000 but he kept going until it was all gone.
Artie said that KC could have solved a lot of problems if he had kept the money. Artie said that royal flush he had was something very rare and he can't believe the guy had that kind of luck and then blew it all. Robin reminded the guys that KC had gone out and gotten an apartment when he won the money. He had a nice apartment, a nice TV and he seemed to be set.
Howard said the odds of getting that flush that KC got was 1:649,000. Gary told Howard he remembers KC telling him about the win and how he gave him a hug thinking he was all set. He also remembered him telling him that he had lost it all just a short time later. He said KC never thought that he'd lose all of the money when he was betting it all.
Gary said he knows what happened. Howard asked her what was going on. She said that the title means so much to her. Gary said that she just got upset about the Miss Black Howard Stern thing. She said that did get to her and she knows that her title still stands but she wants to meet Miss Black Howard Stern and maybe do a photo shoot with her or something. She said she really just wants to come and see Howard and the guys. Howard told Gary to call off the Miss Chinese Howard Stern contest and told Andrea that she is always Miss Howard Stern and she's always welcome there.
Gary said he heard that Andrea saw Miss Black Howard Stern's entry tape and she got upset about that. Gary said that Charlie, Miss Black Howard Stern, was joking in her tape and said that she wouldn't have a black baby if she got pregnant and had a kid like Andrea did. It was just a joke but he heard that Andrea got upset about that.
Howard told Andrea that she is welcome there anytime and was trying to think of her last name. She said that her full name is Andrea Brooke Ownbey. Howard sounded a little confused by the whole thing. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said that last week the fans voted for Sanjaya and kept him in for another week. Robin said she didn't remember to vote and couldn't find out the number to call. Artie wondered if they all got put in a house or something. Howard told him he had the wrong show, that's Big Brother. Howard was also saying that he got a call from Melissa Gilbert who asked him what he was doing about this Sanjaya thing because she hates him.
Howard said that Ralph did a show on Tuesday night with Eric the Midget and others and the show got rave reviews. He said Ralph came up with the whole show idea and was doing an Eric the Midget impression. That led to Howard talking about how Eric has changed his mind and is voting for Sanjaya now. He had a change of heart and is now on their side.
Howard had some audio clips from Ralph's show where he talked about this Sanjaya thing and how Eric was on their side now. Ralph and Jason were talking to Eric about voting for Sanjaya. Eric said that when you can't beat them, join them. Artie said they should stop now if that's the case. Howard figures that if Eric joined, then others have to be coming on their side too. He said it will be great if they can make him a winner and ruin that whole show.
Robin heard that Sanjaya wasn't even close to being kicked off the show last week. Howard played a clip from last week's American Idol where they announced that he was safe. Artie said his mother is really into the show and earlier he told Howard that she told him to tell Howard that she hates Sanjaya. Howard said that with his fans and with that web site VoteForTheWorst.com, they can do this thing.
Howard played another clip where Ralph asked Eric to tell them what the number was to vote for Sanjaya. Eric gave the number but used the letters instead of just giving the numbers. Gary gave Howard a letter that Jon Hein's daughter sent to him asking him to stop with the Sanjaya thing. Howard read the letter and said that he's not going to stop now. He said his daughter who is out of the country right now thinks that it's a very funny thing he's doing. He said they don't care enough about that show to get upset about it.
Howard and the guys were talking about how big this Sanjaya kid has become and how he's got to be the biggest star ever on there. He said that this one girl who was on a hunger strike to get Sanjaya voted off had to call off the hunger strike because he doctor advised her it was a bad idea. Howard said of course he did, that's the point of a hunger strike. He said that she probably figured he was going to be voted off. He played some audio from her YouTube video where she talks about coming off the hunger strike and tells people that it could end badly for them if others continued.
Robin wondered how old this girl was. Howard figured she was in her 20s and figured that she didn't go on any hunger strike because she was chubby when she started and still chubby when he saw her in this latest video. He had another clip of this guy Matt who is also on a hunger strike for the same reason. He said that he's staying on the strike and things have changed for him. He said he's purely water right now and not eating anything. He went to the doctor and he's been taking vitamins. He goofed on Sanjaya about the stupid hair cut he had and how he's probably miserable because he sucks so bad. Artie said that at least Sanjaya is eating and gave some advice to this guy on the hunger strike... ''Just have a sandwich, fag.''
Howard said that Bill O'Reilly found some lawyer who claims that what he's doing to American Idol is illegal. He played the audio clip where O'Reilly talked to that female lawyer who claims that Howard is doing something illegal by disrupting the TV show the way he is. The woman says that the American Idol producers could sue because people are interfering with the show in a malicious way. She claims that this is equivalent to libel or slander from what she's saying. Bill seems to be trying to defend Howard and the fans who are voting for Sanjaya. He said it could actually be encouraging more people to watch. She says that they have no way of judging that. Howard said they could just check the ratings. They goofed on her for being so clueless.
Howard continued playing the audio where this lawyer is saying that there are more talented people on that show. She thinks that people are under Howard Stern's spell and that's why they're going along with this. Howard laughed and started chanting ''Baba Booey, Baba Booey.'' Bill said that no one is under Howard Stern's spell and he can't force people to do something like this. The fans have to make that decision themselves. Artie said that Bill should have just ended the segment at that point when he heard her stupid comments. Howard told Gary to get this lawyer chick on the phone as well as the two people who were fasting so he can talk to them.
Howard said the exciting news is that Eric the Midget is on their side now. He had Eric on the phone so he asked him how this all came about. Eric said that he was thinking about how he could get himself out of this wrestling contest he was going to be in so that was part of it. He also said that the deck is severely stacked against him and he knew he couldn't fight it anymore. Howard said he's kind of sad that Eric isn't against them now. He welcomed Eric to their side so he asked him how many times he voted last week. Eric said he got in about 125 votes.
Howard asked Eric if he feels better now. Eric said he does feel better and he even recorded himself voting for Sanjaya to prove that he was doing it. Howard wanted to hear it so he asked Eric to play the clip. Eric said that he figured that 125 votes in an hour was more than enough. Eric played the clip from the phone call and Howard told him they didn't have much to talk to him about now that he's no longer against them. Artie told him ''goodbye'' after that. Howard spent another few seconds with Eric before he let him go. Eric was talking about how he'd still like to go on a date with Diana Degarmo. Howard said he thinks that means Eric wants to fuck her but he said that would be up to her. Artie had her answer for him and told him it's an absolute ''No'' on the dating and the fucking. Eric shot back with ''That's something you hear a lot fatso...''
Artie said that she asked for a key and that's when he sat her down and had a discussion with her. Howard said he hopes that he recorded that. Artie joked that he had but really hadn't. He said he really didn't want to be committed to anyone at this point and she kind of got it. She didn't cry or anything. Howard asked Artie if he told her that she would never find another 293 pound heroin addict.
Robin said that Akira is still serious about Artie and wondered if he got her. Artie said he didn't. He said he did take another chick out to a Yankee game and to an Allman Brothers concert. Gary was also at that concert. Artie said that this new chick is also from Philly and he'd love to get her on the show because she's got this Philly accent that's great. Artie said he met her at a gig a few years ago and gave her a call to go out on this date.
Artie said he's used to going to baseball games with his friends. This time he paid for four people to go to this game. The seats are $150 a piece and then he has to buy food and stuff. He has some great box seats that Gary has seen before. Artie said Howard could never go because he would get mobbed. Howard interrupted and said that he was down in Miami and people were taking his picture out on the beach. He said that he's done with that place now though.
Howard said his cold went away within two days of getting down there. He said he was out on the beach and within minutes there was a professional camera crew taking his picture. He said he got into a verbal fight with the photographer and gave him a ''fuck you'' after his sarcastic ''thank you!'' Howard said he went over to give Beth a kiss in the pool and that kiss ended up all over the news and on Extra TV. He said he's really done with the whole Miami thing now. He said it's too damn annoying to do that stuff.
Howard had some audio from ''Extra'' where they talked about he and Beth down in Miami. Howard said he's going to Pakistan on his next trip. He doesn't want anything to do with that. Robin said that it is kind of news when you catch someone like that being intimate. Howard said he can picture chicks seeing that and saying that it's disgusting that the two of them kiss.
Howard said he'll be going to Auschwitz on his next vacation. That way maybe no one will find them and take their pictures. Howard said that he remembers hearing David Lee Roth tell a story about how he used to go mountain climbing to avoid the fans and he was out in some jungle somewhere hiking for three days and came upon this camp where they actually recognized him.
Howard said he remembers telling Beth that he thought someone was taking their picture with a camera phone but he didn't want to go up to the guy and say anything because he wasn't positive he was actually doing that.
Artie got back to his Yankee game story and said that he spent over $1,100 at the game. That included the tickets and food. He said that they had a waitress service there so he got some food and ate there at the stadium. Artie was also drinking a lot according to Gary. Artie said that the chick he was with was drinking a bit too.
Gary said that Artie took that chick to the Yankee game and also took her to Stand Up New York to test out a little material. He thinks that was a cool move on his part because he was showing off a little bit for her. Artie said that he even got in back stage at the Allman Brothers concert. He said they didn't even know he was coming and he still got in. Gary brought his son there with him and the guys figured that he got his first contact high being there. Gary said that the audience was full of old hippies and they were all shaking his kid and saying hello to him.
Gary was also saying that his son Jackson has been taking guitar lessons so he was just hanging out and watching the guys play on stage.
Howard said that in the movie there's this stealth plane that can be invisible. The plane gets stolen and sent to Afghanistan and they load it up with weapons and stuff. They have to find someone who can get the plane back so Steven Seagal is the right guy for the job. Steven goes over to get the plane but his whole team of guys gets killed. He's the only one left but he manages to recover the plane but he also flies it and then maneuvers the plane and has a dog fight with the black guy who was the expert who stole it. Gary asked him why he doesn't just turn the plane invisible. Howard said that's exactly what he does and that's how he beats the guy. Then Seagal says ''job done'' and never broke a sweat. Howard goofed on Seagal's movies and how he's always named ''John'' in them. He and the guys were talking about some of the ridiculous plots and the way he fights people and always wins.
Artie said he got to meet Greg Allman at the show he went to so he told Howard about that. He said Greg came up to him and introduced himself. It was during a song so it was kind of unexpected but they really didn't have much of anything to say to each other. Artie said he had the exact same conversation with him that he did with Bruce Springsteen.
Gary said that they had one complaint about the show when they had a half hour drum solo that was being played by a bunch of guys, not just one guy. That led to the guys talking about jams and how awful they can turn out to be.
Howard said he had to go to break but he still had Eric the Midget on the phone. Eric said that he was waiting for the trivia contest they had coming up. They also had Shannon James coming in. Eric asked Howard if they could change his name to Eric the Actor now that he's on their side. Howard gave him a quick ''no'' and there was some dead silence for a few seconds. Howard said that they're doing this trivia thing with Eric later this morning so he put him on hold. The whole thing is kind of pointless at this point since they were supposed to have Eric vote for Sanjaya if he had lost.
Bill and the lawyer continue talking about the American Idol thing and Howard figures they must have found an actress to play the part of the lawyer or something. He can't imagine that she's an actual lawyer. Howard joked that he's thinking about filing a lawsuit against the writers of Lost because they've wasted his time so much lately. Artie asked if they watched the new episode of The Sopranos. Howard hadn't seen it yet so he as them not to talk about it yet.
Howard played the final few seconds of the Bill O'Reilly show. He said he really wants Gary to find out if that woman is a real lawyer. He said he finds it hard to believe that she's for real. Gary said he tried finding out more about her but when they got her phone number, it was a fax line. He said they are looking into it more and trying to find out what's up with her.
Howard said Imus is 100 years old and has no ratings on his show but they call it ''the wildly popular Imus show'' in the paper. He said it's not wildly popular, it doesn't get any ratings. He went on to say that Imus called the Rutgers woman's basketball team a bunch of ''nappy headed hos'' or something like that. He said that's actually nothing compared to what he said behind the scenes at WNBC when they were there. They should have fired him at NBC when he called Brenda the N-word but that never happened.
Howard said he just saw that Opie and Anthony had a 0.0 rating when they went out to Las Vegas. He said that's almost impossible to do on the radio and he was only pointing it out because of how hard it is to get such a low rating. That led to Artie quoting a scene from ''Animal House'' where Blutarski's grade point average was a 0.0. Artie said that's like there's not one person listening out there. They goofed on them for a short time about that.
Howard said that any other radio personality would be fired for making racist comments like Imus did. They spent a short time talking about that whole thing and how Imus is going to go apologize to black people on Al Sharpton's radio show. Howard said it just shows you how media companies are desperate for ratings and won't even fire this guy after making those comments. MSNBC is saying they didn't know what happened there and it was the radio station that did it and they had no control over it. Howard said it's on their air though so they are responsible.
Howard got back to the Opie and Anthony thing and had Tim Sabean come in to talk about how low their ratings are. Tim said that they had another 0.0 in Chicago as well. Howard said he doesn't want to put them down because they're in a tough position. No one was sure what that tough position was though. Howard said that it just shows that Viacom is stuck and trying to do anything they can to replace him.
Howard said that he will never be on the air when he's Imus' age. He played the audio from his show where Imus called the girls from Rutgers ''some nappy headed hos.'' Howard said Imus probably would have been fine with that but then one of his other guys got on and quoted a line from one of Spike Lee's movies. They threw out a couple more racial slurs and that's probably what drove them over the edge. Howard said that if he ever gets to that age that Imus is at and he's still on the radio, he's going to dress up like a fireman or something. He said that Imus dresses up like a cowboy so it's like he's dressing up in costume. He said that would be like him dressing up like a knight or something like that.
Artie said that Imus' show was unfunny even when he was trying to be funny. They were trying to do funny stuff but it just doesn't work. Howard had the apology that Imus made on his show. Fred was doing his impression of Imus before Howard even played the clip. Fred had it down pretty well. Howard played the clip where Imus says that he's apologizing for what they said and quickly moved right on to other things.
Howard said they start throwing his name into the articles about Imus but there's one big difference between them. He said he doesn't hate black people like Imus does. He never called a black woman the N-word in the hallway like Imus did.
Sour Shoes called in as Greg Allman and played some Allman Brothers music for Artie. Artie said Greg hasn't sounded that good in 30 years. He went into his Greg Allman impression and tried talking to Howard a little bit as Greg. He played a couple of songs and goofed around with them for a short time.
Howard played Sal the Stockbroker's apology tape where he was apologizing for the comments he made about white women not having sex with black men unless they're drunk. Howard was comparing that to the Imus apology. Artie and Robin were laughing their asses off at that Sal apology. Howard said it was longer than Imus' apology. Robin said it was also more heartfelt.
Howard and the guys were talking about these ''blood diamonds'' but Howard said he wasn't even sure what that meant. Robin explained to him what it was all about and how there was a whole movie about it. Howard said that he was assured that his diamond was not a blood diamond. The guys talked about that for a short time.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he woke up one morning and saw the ugly picture of Imus in the paper. That led to the guys talking more about Imus. Howard wondered why that guy won't retire. He just keeps going. Bobo read a story about how CBS couldn't afford to let him go because he's had a 39 percent jump in his ratings.
Lisa mentioned that Comedy Central has purchased the rights to Artie Lange's Beer League movie and they'll start playing that this fall. Artie said it was huge news and they paid some good money for that. He said that they really promote stuff really well and they wanted the movie right from the start when they saw the premiere.
Lisa also mentioned that a few other celebrities are pushing for the Sanjaya thing. She said that Zach Braff, Pink, Perez Hilton and Rose McGowan have all been pushing for him to win. Howard said he had some tape of that somewhere so JD came in and told him where it was. Howard said he missed JD and goofed on his mumbling a little bit. They also noticed he had a new hair style so they had some fun talking about that. They were also doing his whooping laugh a little bit.
Howard said that JD and Lisa G looked like a nice couple standing next to each other. Howard told JD that he's really not a bad looking guy and he just needs some confidence. He asked Lisa what happens that would turn her off to him. She said she sometimes walks away from him thinking that he was raised by wolves or something. He makes comments to her that are supposed to be compliments but they just don't come out that way. Howard said he asks JD about his Letterman appearances and he never says much more than ''It was alright.'' He said JD just doesn't know how to react to stuff when he talks to him.
Howard asked JD about staying with his father over vacation but JD didn't want to get into details. He had stayed with his aunt over the vacation so he wasn't sure what she wanted on the air or not. The guys goofed on him about that and wondered what he could possibly hiding. JD said that his father and grandmother live in the same house so that had something to do with it. Howard asked JD what's going on there. JD said that his father owns the place and his grandmother lives with him. Howard didn't see the problem. He said he can't wait for the family reunion that's coming up this summer.
Gary said that JD told him there's no way Howard TV is going to film that family reunion either. Howard said ''Bullshit!'' and told him that they will be going in there. JD was telling them a little bit about his vacation but that led to Fred doing more of his JD impression and goofing on him. Howard told JD that maybe he should have gone to speech camp instead of going to stay with his father over vacation.
Howard moved on to the audio clips that JD had come in to tell him about. In the first clip Rose McGowan was asked about American Idol and she said that she wanted that kid Sanjaya to win because he was so awful. Howard played another clip where Zach Braff was promoting his new movie and said ''Vote for Sanjaya'' at the end of the clip. In another clip Pink was on a Z-100 morning radio show talking about American Idol and how Howard Stern and many other people were backing Sanjaya.
Lisa G quickly mentioned that Joey Boots has some down with a case of the gout so they'll have a story about that today. Howard let her go and moved on after that.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer really wants it. Brian Phelan wants it but Mike Gange doesn't really need it. Jason is looking too thin and needs some new pants according to Howard. Jon Hein hasn't lost anything from what Howard could tell.
Gary said that today is the last day for the team weigh ins. They go to individual weigh ins after that. Tim Sabean got up and weighed in at 255 pounds. He lost 3 from last week. Jason got up and came in at 239 pounds. Jason said he's been working very hard at it so he's very happy about that. Brian Phelan got on the scale and came in at 228 pounds. Howard said he looked thinner than that to him. Scott the Engineer got on the scale and weighed 236 pounds. Artie predicted that he will win the contest but then get some disease from not eating right and his health coverage won't cover it. Here's how Tim's team has done since the start:
Howard had Artie's team weigh in next. Artie was up to 293 pounds last time they weighed him in. Artie got on the scale again and shot up to 296 pounds... a 3 pound gain from the last weigh in. Artie said he's been eating a lot of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups lately. He said he had 9 of them yesterday. Artie asked if they were done now. Howard asked him if he ever dips the peanut butter cups in mayonnaise. Artie said he wouldn't do that, it's not kosher to do that.
Howard had Jon Hein get on the scale. He said he looked like he'd given up as well. Jon said he's been eating better but this past week was a tough one. He came in at 246 pounds, a 3 pound loss. Mike Gange got on the scale next and came in at 247 pounds, a 3 pound gain. Mike said that he hasn't been able to stop eating. Benjy was up next and came in at 228 pounds. He's lost another 9 pounds. Artie's team so far:
Gary said that Tim's team moves on after today. SO does Benjy since he was the biggest loser for Artie's team. They now move on with just Tim, Brian, Scott, Jason and Benjy from now on. Artie was saying that he wanted to pay off the guys on his team who weren't moving on because he had kind of screwed them over by not losing weight.
There was an offer thrown out to Scott the Engineer to sell his spot but he wasn't sure if he wanted to do it. Gary said that Benjy had lost 14.61 percent of his weight while Scott only came in at 10.61 percent. Jason has lost 11.81 percent so he's in second place behind Benjy. Scott still thinks he can pull it off though. Howard had the guys clear the studio so he could get to this other stuff he had to get to.
Howard got Eric the Midget on the phone and told him about the prizes he was playing with. They had the DVD set and a wrestling belt for the winner. Howard also told him he'd like Eric to win so they can give this guy raccoon eyes.
Howard asked the guys a bunch of wrestling questions and the two guys both knew quite a few of the answers in the contest. Eric didn't know the first question which was about Hulk Hogan's character in Rocky III. Vito was very confident and gave his answers quickly. Eric was also fairly fast with his answers. Artie goofed on Eric a little bit so Eric would shoot back at Artie with some ''fat ass'' comments.
Howard whipped through the questions and even got kind of lost when he thought the score was tied even though Vito was supposed to be ahead. Howard evened up the contest and gave Vito an extra question so he was ahead by one. Eric lost to Vito but Vito was willing to take the balls in his eyes to make the show worth watching.
Eric said he never claimed that he was an expert but Vito said he absolutely did. He also goofed on Eric about the way he had claimed to be an Idol Expert but was now voting for the worst singer on the show. They all goofed on him about that until Howard let him go.
Sal the Stockbroker came in dressed as Captain Sack with his ball sack hanging out of his leotard. He was going to dip his nuts in chocolate pudding and then dunk them on Vito's face. Sal also said that Richard Christy was going to come in and dip his cock in vanilla pudding and wipe it on Vito's face. Sal did his thing and dipped his nuts and put some whipped cream on top of the chocolate. Vito closed his eyes and let Sal do his thing to his face. Sal went right in and bashed his balls into his face. Richard then came in with his vanilla pudding on his dick and gave Vito his ''banana nose.''
Howard told Vito to get cleaned up after that but he had a problem with getting some balls in his mouth. Howard thanked Vito for coming in and told him he had won the DVD set. He also said that he would take the picture with him after they were done. They went to break right after that.
Howard played the audio from Imus' show where he was sucking balls during his apology for the racist comments he made about the Rutgers basketball team. As Imus was doing his apology he sounded like he was on the verge of crying. Howard said that maybe he should just quit already. He doesn't have to go through this crap, he could just walk away.
Imus was saying that there's a difference between pre-meditated things and something that just comes up. Howard said that this is just the nature of Imus because that's the kind of stuff he was doing off the air at NBC when they were working there at the same time. Howard figured it was going to take 10 hours to go through all of this stuff. He repeated some of the stuff he said earlier about getting dressed up like a nurse or something when he gets to be Imus' age. Robin was goofing on Imus' kerchief that he wears on his neck like he's a cowboy and said that he looks like he's prepared to rob a bank or something.
Howard said that Imus' whole being is that radio show and he's doing everything he can not to lose that job. Howard said he's glad he's not like that himself. He said he's looking forward to leaving the radio business and if he was asked to apologize for something like that, he'd ask to be fired instead.
Howard got back to the audio clips of Imus and picked apart a lot of the stuff he was saying. Imus apologized for what he said about the Rutgers players and said that those girls don't even know who he is and they don't know that he was just trying to be funny.
Howard said that Angry Black was going to go protest at the Don Imus pediatric center in Hackensack, new Jersey. Howard told him he's got to get some black people to go with him, not just some Wack Packers. He said he will do that too. Howard suggested that they get him to get Miss Black Howard Stern out there too. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard continued the Imus clips and goofed on him some more. Imus was talking about what a good person he was and how he has this ranch out in New Mexico where they care for kids with cancer. Howard and the guys pointed out that Imus doesn't even pay for that himself, his listeners pay for it. Imus was bragging that he has minorities at the ranch so that should show that he's not a racist. Howard said that this guy is the luckiest bastard out there. He told the guy that he should just give it up and retire already.
Imus was bragging about how he eats with the minorities that are at his camp so that led to everyone goofing on those comments. Howard, Robin, Fred and Artie were all goofing on the guy and doing impressions of him. Howard said that guy is such an asshole and he was using that ''my friends are black'' excuse to make his comments okay. Imus was talking about one black kid who died on New Year's day and that he and his wife went to his funeral because they don't just go to white kid's funerals.
Howard still didn't understand why Imus was going through this crap when he could just resign. They continued to goof on the guy while playing the audio from the apology. Imus was talking about all of the good things he's done for the cancer kids... The black cancer kids. Imus said he's a good person who said a bad thing. He wasn't sure if he should be forgiven for that or not. He said he's been called an N-lover for having the Blind Boys of Alabama on his show before. He said he put up with that and Robin said he seemed to be congratulating himself for having black entertainers on his show.
Gary interrupted and told Howard that their Playboy friend had to be out of there by 20 to 10. Howard told him to bring her in then.
Howard asked Shannon if she fucked Pauly Shore yet. She said she did meet him but she didn't fuck him. She said that someone told him to stay away from her so he went after one of her friends. Howard and Artie are so against her fucking Pauly so they made sure to tell her not to be with him. Howard said they actually like Pauly but they don't want him fucking all of the chicks on the show.
Shannon told Howard that she did her photo shoot before she went to school at the University of Central Florida. Artie asked her if Kobe Bryant makes her swallow. She didn't seem to understand what he was talking about. Shannon told Howard that she's transferred out of UCF and she's back home in the Philly area.
The Howard TV guys had some video of her doing her Playboy shoot so they showed that in the studio. Howard said she looked really good. Artie asked Howard if they should make her fuck him since she was there to thank the show. Shannon said ''Nooo!'' to that request. Howard said that maybe she should fuck him instead. Artie didn't even remember that he was there when she did the evaluation show when she was there.
Howard asked Shannon about doing the Playboy shoot and if she was nervous. She said that she was very nervous when she did the evaluation (June 2006) and when she did the shoot. Shannon said that she really doesn't get hit on all that much because guys get so intimidated.
Artie said that he thinks he deserves a blow job at least just because she owes so much to the show. She didn't want to do that and said she was going to pass on it. Shannon said she's actually got a boyfriend right now. She said that she would love to move out to California eventually. Artie goofed on her and said she probably wants to act. She said she actually does want to do that.
Shannon told Howard that she got a call from Kevin Custer about a month after her test shoot and was told that they had some bad news and then broke it to her that she had to take some time off from school to do the centerfold shoot. She said that she started jumping up and down when she heard that. Howard said Hugh Hefner is brilliant because he's convinced hot chicks that this is the highlight of their lives.
Shannon said that she stayed out at the Playboy mansion in the guest house and Hef never asked her up to his bedroom. She said that she went up to watch America's Next Top Model with her friend Holly but that was it. She said she didn't have sex with any of the other girls. Howard kept trying to find out if she had sex with any of the other girls but she wasn't talking. She said she doesn't kiss and tell. She refused to talk about it if she did do anything there.
Shannon said that she shot half of her pictorial before Halloween and half of it after. She got to meet a lot more people than other Playmates get to meet because she was there around the big party they held out there. Howard kept digging and asked her what she did out there. She didn't want to talk but eventually said she had some innocent kissing. She said their clothes stayed on. She said she got to see a lot of famous people at the Playboy party but didn't get to meet them all. She said Paris Hilton was there but she didn't even see her. Leonardo DiCaprio was there but she didn't meet him either.
Howard was checking out Shannon's pictures and said that she looked really hot. Artie gave her a ''Holy SHHHIT!'' when he saw the pictures. The guys asked Shannon what she can out in Los Angeles if she moves out there. She said she can act and she can sing too. Howard asked her to sing but she refused. She said she can sing well enough to get by but not make a living at it. Artie figured that she's got to suck at everything else she does because she's so hot looking.
Howard gave Shannon a plug for the May 2007 Playboy issue which Shannon is in. He asked her where she was going next. She said she was going to hooters in Manhattan because she actually works for them. Doug Goodstein said that they have about 10 minutes of her test shoot and it's the hottest footage he's ever seen. They showed some of that in the studio and Artie gave her some more ''Holy SHHHHIT'' comments. Shannon was asked how much she weighs and told them that she's 115 pounds and 5'7 1/2'' tall. Howard and Artie told her that was perfect and continued to tell her how hot she was. They were looking at her pictures from Playboy and Artie said that if she really wanted him to fuck her, he'd have to mail her his orgasm because he wouldn't even make it to the door.
Vito from the wrestling contest was still there so he stood up and showed off his boner for Shannon. Howard said that you can meet Shannon at the Hooters in Manhattan today from 12:30 to 1:30 and from 5:30 to 7:30. Howard gave her some plugs for that and then Richard Christy came in and asked her if she wanted to act out a scene from The Godfather with Artie. Howard had him hand over the script to her so they could do that.
The scene was where Kay tells Michael that she had an abortion. She had never seen the movie so she didn't know how to do it. Howard told her how to play the part and then had the two of them get into it. Artie said he probably didn't even need the script. He played it kind of low key and Shannon didn't seem to be into it either. She said that if she had time to study the script, she would have done better.
Howard congratulated Shannon on her Playboy thing and started to wrap up. Robin asked Shannon which of the guys other than Howard she would do. She actually picked out Benjy as the one guy she would do. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later.
Howard came back from break a short time after that and said that he had a couple of guests visiting the studio this morning. Mike and his wife Dawn got a tour of the studio so they stopped in for a quick visit. Howard said he's surprised that he actually agreed to let them come in for a visit. He must have been in a good mood that morning he agreed to it.
Artie told Howard that they had another guy out in the green room that he might want to meet. It was Vito's uncle Daniel and he was just ''not right'' according to Artie. The guy was missing some teeth and had some trouble speaking. Howard spent a minute talking to him and had some fun goofing on him a little bit. The guy kind of mumbled and seemed to be drunk. They were calling the uncle ''Not Right Daniel'' because he was just a little ''not right'' according to Artie.
Howard had a clip from a British TV special where some gay guys talked about fisting each other. In the clip a guy is talking about how he tells the guy he's fisting that once he starts, he's not going to stop. Then they have the audio of the guy getting fisted and he's gagged and moaning in pain while the other guy is fisting him. The guys were goofing on that a little bit before Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news update.
Steve Langford said they have a story about Robin's upcoming celebrity race. She's been out practicing and they got an interview with George Lucas who was afraid to say if he was a fan or not. Howard said he has to apologize to him for bad mouthing the last Star Wars movie. He said that he watched it over the weekend and he actually liked it.
Howard said that he was playing chess over the internet this weekend and some guy wrote to him ''you play too slow you do'' trying to be like Yoda. He thought that was very geeky. He had Steve get back to his news so Steve gave him a few more stories that they'll have today. Steve said that they have a story about the TV commercial shoot they did for Howard TV last week. Howard said he was watching the making of that video last week and it looks like it's going to be wild. Steve said that Bill Keller is back with his Live Prayer show tonight at 7pm on Howard 101.
Jon Hein ran down his Wrap Up Show subjects for today's show. He said they'll talk about Eric the Midget and his turn to the dark side and his wrestling trivia contest. They'll also talk about the Imus tapes and also about Shannon James' visit today. Howard said that they may have to play that Imus apology tomorrow because it was so good. He said that they should play that apology on a loop on Howard 101 as a special tonight.
Fred ended up going into his Imus impression and doing that for a few minutes. He goofed on Imus's pronunciation of his wife Deirdre's name a little bit. He turned it into a four syllable name doing the impression.
Artie reenacted that scene from Animal House again where Dean Wormer talks about Blutarski's 0.0 grade point average. He also did another scene from the movie that he remembered word for word. Robin was amazed that he can remember them so well.
Howard said that Not Right Uncle Daniel was out in the green room snoring. Howard went to the Howard TV video and watched but his snoring had stopped and he was just sleeping quietly. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Fred played the scene from Animal House that Artie had reenacted earlier. He had the scene down almost perfectly. Howard said they should get a print of Animal House and get all of the listeners together to watch it. Artie said he would love that. He never got to see Animal House in the theater because he was only 10 at that time. Robin told Howard that the director of the original Porky's movie was killed in a car crash last week. Howard said he saw that and they mentioned that he's doing a remake of the movie in the articles he read.
Robin got back to her news and whipped through a few more stories and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about Imus who was on the cover of the NY Post this morning. Howard asked how old he really is. Fred said they list it as 67 but the guys said that he looks a lot older than that. Howard said he looks like he's in his 80s. Artie said he looked more like 100. Howard said even his mother was saying that maybe Imus is senile and doesn't know what he's saying.
Howard said he's got tons of Imus stuff to play on the show today. He hasn't heard the Al Sharpton show yet so he'll be listening to that. He also said he heard that Imus has been suspended for two weeks but the suspension doesn't start until next Monday. Robin reminded Howard that he was suspended for saying ''Sirius'' for one day and now Imus has called some college girls ''nappy headed hos'' and the company is hesitating to suspend him.
Howard talked about how Imus has no ratings and how he was never funny and has made something out of nothing somehow. He said one of the funny things he saw was Imus taking his cowboy hat off to apologize for what he said. He said he hates to revel in someone else's misery but this is fun. Artie said he's not even a person so it is fun. Howard said it's really time to call an end to the whole thing.
Howard said he read that Imus was saying that he ''can't win with you people'' when he was on Al Sharpton's show yesterday. He can't imagine what kind of person does something like that. He said Imus has been doing that job for the longest time and he's still doing it after all these years. Howard said he won't stay in the business that long.
Howard wondered who would go to Al Sharpton to apologize for something. That guy is more racially insensitive than anyone out there. Howard said his move is to get you in his studio and then he won't accept an apology. Howard said the fun thing is that Imus goes in to apologize for his comments and actually does apologize to the guy.
Howard talked about how the cowboy hat is the worst thing that Imus could have worn on Al Sharpton's show. He wanted Fred to play the ''nig*er Hatin' Hat'' song that they've played on the show before as an example but Fred wasn't able to find it in his computer. Howard told him to see if he could get that in there so they'll have it when they want it.
Howard figured that if Imus does lose his job, his wife will leave him. Artie said that if she does leave him, he will get into shape and he will try to get her so he can fuck her. He said he might have to lose about 100 pounds to make that happen though. Robin said Imus might be able to get out of the whole thing if he put that offer out there himself. She said maybe he could offer to let Howard fuck his wife and people would let him off the hook.
Howard said that if he was in that situation, he would never go on Al Sharpton's show and say that he's a piece of shit no matter what color he is. He said that he should just pay his bills and leave him alone. Robin said that Imus would have to know that information first but he knows nothing. Howard said that Al has been on the show before and he likes him, but he really is a racist. He said there's no way he would apologize to that guy for anything even though he kind of likes him personally. He once visited Sharpton when he was in the hospital after he was stabbed.
Howard said Richard was there so he had him come in. Richard came in screaming as he's done in the past. Robin said it looked like he was wearing lipstick this morning. He went around to each person saying hello to everyone. He stopped at Fred, Artie, Benjy and all of those guys. Richard was talking off the microphone so the guys asked him to go sit down. Richard had to say hello to everyone before sitting down. Howard told him to sit down but he was trying to go say hello to Robin.
Howard asked Richard if he wears a jock strap under his shorts. He said he does but didn't get into it much more than that. Howard noticed that he had a big welt on his ass. Richard said he slipped and fell in the bathroom at an airport and actually passed out. He slipped on the wet floor and almost broke his hip in the process. He also dislocated his shoulder. That just happened two Friday's ago. Howard asked Richard who he calls when something like that happens to him. Richard said he has housekeepers that take care of him but he doesn't really have any family to call.
Howard said he feels bad for Richard that he doesn't have anyone to call. He has no wife, he's yet to marry... Howard asked him if he's dating anyone at this point. Richard said he really just hurts today and asked him to take it easy on him. Richard said he is in a lot of pain and it's very hard for him to sit. Howard told Richard that happened to him one time and he was with a guy who was into S&M and was whacking him at the time. Howard asked Richard to come over to him and he'd rub his ass for him. Richard said he just wanted a little sympathy.
Howard said he wanted to talk to Richard about Artie's eating. Richard said he was there to talk about Congress but Howard wanted to talk about Artie first. Richard heard that they're doing a weight loss challenge so Artie filled him in on that. Artie said that he gained 10 pounds instead of losing weight in the challenge. Artie said he's really got to figure out what to do about it. Artie lit up a cigarette, which he doesn't usually do, so Richard asked him to put it out because he's got asthma. Artie didn't know that but he continued to smoke.
Howard asked Richard how old he is. Richard said that it's kind of a personal question and he had trouble concentrating with the music Fred was playing for him. Howard said he knows that Richard is 59 years old. Richard thinks he looks fantastic for his age. He said he's really not looking for a woman at this point, he's just there to help people with their weight until the day he dies. Howard wanted to know what kind of woman he was looking for but Richard called for Gary asking him for some help in there.
Howard told Richard to sit down but he said he couldn't. He told him he loves him and Richard said he loves Howard as well. Howard wanted to know why Richard ate so much when he was young. Richard said he grew up in New Orleans where the food was so good. He loved food and there was great stuff down there. He said his father loved him very much and it wasn't because of a lack of love or anything. Howard asked him if he had any secrets to hide or anything like that. Richard laughed when Howard asked him if people found him annoying.
Howard asked Richard more about his childhood. He wanted to know if he had friends. Richard said he didn't have any friends and he just stayed home alone. Howard kept going and said he had a woman on the phone who wanted to say hello to him. The woman, Jenny, asked Richard if he would be interested in going out on a date with her. She was 22 years old and said that she eats right and stays fit just like Richard. Richard called for Gary to come in and help him again. Fred played some porn clips of a woman getting screwed so Richard got all uptight and wanted to get out of there.
Howard let the woman go and let Richard talk about whatever it was he was there to talk about. He interrupted and asked him when the last time he came was. Gary asked Howard to at least plug what he was there to plug. Richard said that he's doing something to help children. He said that kids who are over 100 pounds has grown over the past few years. He asked people to fill out a questionnaire on his web site, RichardSimmons.com, last time he was on and 12,000 people filled out the form. He said he got 70,000 questionnaires finished and he ended up meeting with some congressmen about this and now they have dropped their first bill, HR 1224, to get Physical Education reinstated in schools.
Howard said that Artie was sleeping while this was going on. Richard yelled at him to wake up so Artie came out of his fake sleep and talked a little bit about gym class. Howard said he hated gym class because it was like torture when he was in school. If it was fun to exercise, it might be worth following up on this. Richard said that he really wants to get this going because the kids really need to exercise.
Richard said that he's back now to ask the listeners to go on his web site, find their congressman and email them to ask for this to happen. Howard said that he doesn't have to beg, his listeners will do it because they're not assholes. He said he will go and recommend to his listeners to go and do that.
Richard said that the P.E. He's trying to get going is not like the old gym classes that they used to have. He said he had to skip out on those classes when he was in school because he suffered from asthma and was overweight.
Howard asked Richard more about this fall he took. Richard talked about how he only has his housekeepers and dogs to take care of him. He said he does go on these trips to help people lose weight though. He has a lot of people who he spends time with when he goes on these cruises and goes to visit people.
Howard was trying to figure out how much Richard was worth and guessed it was about $200 million. Richard wasn't talking of course. Gary said he heard that Richard will buy two seats on an airplane when he travels because he has so much work to do when he's flying. Richard said that is true but he will talk to people on the flight. He just had a guy come to him and ask him to talk to his 17 year old daughter who was 290 pounds and only 5'1'' tall.
Howard asked Richard if he heard about this Imus thing. Richard said he never listened to him and doesn't know much about him. Howard told him about what Imus did to this black woman at WNBC when they worked with him. He went right up to her and called her the N-word. He said he thinks that Imus has that in his heart and that's why he said what he did on the radio last week. He thinks his career is done at this point and there's no way he's going to get out of it now.
Artie was saying that he was in a bad way this morning. He was talking about Imus' comments and the fact that Richard's ass was in pain. Richard asked to see Artie's eyes because they were behind his sunglasses. Artie did take them off for him but then he said that Richard was going to call him and he never got that call. Howard told Richard that Artie is hopeless. Richard asked him not to say that to him but Howard kept saying it.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked what his favorite moment on the show with Richard was. He liked the time they dangled food in front of the fat guy. Richard got a laugh out of that and said that his favorite moment was when he put some fake tattoos on and a fake moustache and wig on and fooled Howard into thinking he was someone else. Howard said that was the day Richard dressed up like a man. Howard said he's really not the most macho guy so he wasn't kidding about that. Howard said Richard is kind of womanly when he dresses the way he does so Richard walked out. Howard told him to come back but Richard went right out. He took offense to that womanly comment and walked out crying.
Robin told Howard he did do something wrong by calling him a woman. Howard said it's true though, he has some female tendencies. Howard was going to run out and get him. Gary came in and told him where to go but no one was going out to get him. They ran out and found Richard but Richard was crying out by the elevators. Howard tried talking him into coming back but he was balling according to Robin. Artie said that there was someone in the elevator watching Howard Stern consoling Richard in the elevator.
Artie told Howard to ''tell Richard to come out of the close... I mean elevator.'' Tim Sabean went out and got in the elevator with Richard to ride down with him. Robin and Artie talked about how hurt the guy looked. Howard said that Richard was really crying out there. Robin said they heard and saw it all going down on the Howard TV cameras.
Howard asked if he really said something all that bad. Robin said that he really did say that he was like a woman. Howard said he feels awful about it. They went over what had happened and how Howard had kind of called him a woman. Howard said he knows tons of guys who are like that. He figured that Richard would admit that he's not the most macho guy though. Robin said that Richard hasn't changed since he was a kid and he may have been teased as a kid and that may have been why he fell apart the way he did. Howard said he was just having a good time with him.
Howard said Richard is a good guy and he really feels awful about it. Robin said she thought the days of Richard leaving crying were over but she was apparently wrong. Howard said he might have to go on Al Sharpton's show and apologize to him for what had just happened. Robin told Howard he might have to go on Out Q to apologize but then took that back. She said that was wrong too.
Tim Sabean came in and said that Richard was really upset and couldn't be consoled. He left very upset and wouldn't stick around. Howard said he really couldn't go on with the show because he felt so bad. He was excited to see Richard back on the show today and he screwed it all up. Howard hopes he wasn't pulling his leg with that. Gary said he did have to leave at 6:45. Fred said that Richard is a good actress. Howard said he really doesn't want to make anyone cry like that.
Howard was still thinking about Richard Simmons and didn't know what went wrong. Gay Ramone called in and said that he's just a big drama queen. Robin told him that it was a bit of an attack on Richard and that's why he ran out. Howard said he was going to rub his ass for him. Gay Ramone said was on the Bill Keller show yesterday and even called him an asshole at the end of the show.
Howard hung up on Gay Ramone and said he'd had enough of that. He had to take a break but took some more phone calls. One guy said that Howard has only a few guests that will still come on the show so he's got to take it easy on the ones who will. He was also saying that Howard has kind of lost his edge over the years. He said he liked when Howard would make Gary repeat after him like he used to. Howard called Gary in there to do some repeating but Gary had no idea what he had done wrong.
Gary said that he had a problem with Richard showing up to his building to see him and he was crying out in the lobby. He said he had to go down and talk to him and console him. His neighbors all saw him hugging Richard out in the lobby that day. He was visibly shaking that day. Howard said he was shaking this morning too and he feels horrible about it.
Another caller asked Howard if he also kicked a puppy this morning. Howard said he feels really bad about it and didn't mean for it to happen that way. He said he hopes that it wasn't the last time they'd see him there. He thinks that Richard was being overly sensitive. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard told everyone what had just happened with Richard Simmons. Robin said that people have to get up earlier if they want to hear the show but Howard said they do have the replays. She said she forgot about that. That led to Howard talking about how cool it is that he has the two channels there and they're both for his fans.
Howard said they have this guy coming in later who has only one hand but can play Eddie Van Halen's ''Eruption'' in an amazing way with just the one hand and his stump. Fred wondered how that's possible. Howard said he's not sure but he can really do it from what he's heard.
Howard said that a lot of people disagreed with Robin's review of the movie ''Grindhouse.'' He read some e-mail that they got about that. Some people agreed with Richard who thought it was actually a good movie. Robin said she just didn't enjoy the movie so that was her opinion on it. She defended herself against the comments that the fans were sending in.
Howard said he got a copy of Girls and Corpses magazine and Miss Howard Stern is in it. He said that Rob Zombie's wife is also on the cover of the magazine. He quickly mentioned that since he was talking about Rob Zombie because he had seen a preview of an upcoming movie he has coming out and it looked cool to him.
Howard said he really doesn't think that Imus is going to last on radio after this whole controversy. He said that the woman's basketball team at Rutgers is going to have a press conference and he thinks that will be the end of it. He talked about how Imus had finally removed that cowboy hat of his after all of this stuff went down and that led to them playing the ''nig*er Hatin Hat'' song since they were kind of referring to that being the reason Imus removed the hat. He didn't want to be looked at as a redneck by wearing that hat of his. Howard said that Imus' hair looked awful and that's the real ''nappy hair'' from what he could see.
Howard said he's never seen a 67 year old guy look that bad. Artie said he looks ancient. Robin read something in the paper where they claimed to be quoting Howard where they said that he just said that Imus should have just said ''it's just a joke, f-you.'' Howard said that's not what he said though. It was David Hinkley who got the incorrect information in there.
Howard said they have some big titles coming up on Howard TV. They have the weekend when Sal fell off stage. They have a special about Bubba's home, Robin's racing, a day in the life of Miss Black Howard Stern, Riley Martin's show and a lot of Behind the Scenes stuff. They also have some ''Where are they now'' shows coming up.
Robin said that someone suggested that they have someone follow Artie around, write down what he eats and then have someone try to eat that stuff. Howard said they have some new Cribs shows coming up too. They have King of All Blacks and Daniel Carver doing that. Howard said they have a day in the life of Miss Howard Stern, Andrea, as well. A Day in the life of Ralph is also coming up. They have some behind the scenes stuff with the Howard TV guys and also Scott the Engineer.
Howard had Lisa get back to her preview. She said she spoke to the woman who crated the Baba Booey mask. She will be sending new ones as well. Crazy Cabbie is in the news after he said some stuff on his radio show. He bad mouthed Howard saying that he's never given him anything. Howard said he guesses that his real feelings are coming out now. Lisa said that fame may have gone to Riley Martin's head according to his old partner Curtis Cooperman. They'll have full coverage of that coming up on the news. Howard said he wants to get the two of them on the phone and have them battle it out.
Lisa mentioned that 15 years ago today Sam Kinison died. Howard said that he got a note from an artist, Drew, who sent him a painting of Sam that was great. That led to the guys talking about what might have happened to Sam if he had lived. Howard said it's sad that they missed out on finding out what he could have contributed. Howard said that Sam was cleaning up at that point and he was getting off the drugs. Artie said that they did find drugs when they did the autopsy though. Howard said he thinks that they missed out on something there. Robin said she thinks it was just about over for Sam at that point though. Howard said it would have been interesting to see no matter what.
Artie said it would have been great to have Sam on SIRIUS. Howard yelled up to Sam and said that they're still talking about him. He admitted that it was a gay moment for him when he did that.
Howard played more of the conversation Imus was having with Sharpton and said that Imus is just a moron. He should have been confronting Sharpton about the things he did with Tawana Brawley and stuff like that. Imus said he was sorry he ever said what he said but he didn't mean it to come across the way it did. He also said that he's not a racist or a bigot and people don't know what his show is all about. Howard said it sounded like he was saying that he wanted everyone to listen to him before making that decision. As Al was going to break he was telling Imus that he thinks he's a racist and what he said was something that should get him fired over it.
Howard said that was like ''two assholes on the radio together.'' He kept wondering what Imus is doing going on that show to apologize. He said that guy is the last one he should be apologizing to and they obviously don't have a clue over at his station or on MSNBC. He played another clip where Sharpton was showing Imus his daughter and how he was devaluing his daughter by making comments like he was making. Howard heard all of that and was giggling and saying ''Wheeeee'' as he heard it. He said that maybe this will help Opie and Anthony rise up from their 0.0 rating if Imus goes away. He mentioned they had that 0.0 in Las Vegas and wondered how anyone can have zero listeners.
Howard got back to the Sharpton clips and played one where Sharpton was calling for Imus to be fired. Sharpton asked Imus what price he thinks he should pay for the comments he made. Imus said he hadn't thought about it. Howard said that he has to be insane to go to Al Sharpton to apologize. Imus tried to explain something but Howard had to cut him off and ask how that guy still has a radio show talking the way he does. He mumbles and slurs his words. Robin said that's what she heard when they started at WNBC and thought he was horrible back then but she was told he was great.
Imus explained to Sharpton what he had done for a kid at his cancer ranch. It was the same story he told on his own show recently about a kid who had sickle cell anemia. Sharpton agreed with Imus that there isn't enough funding for research on sickle cell anemia but wasn't going to let him off the hook for his comments that he made last week.
Gary brought in a list of the crazy things that Al Sharpton has done in his past. Howard read through that list of things that he's done that are racist. He's made comments about whites and started riots and things. There was also the Tawana Brawley incident as well. Howard said that Imus should have told Sharpton that he would retire if he retired because of what he did during the whole Tawana Brawley case. Sharpton has never apologized for that.
Howard wanted to hear more clips but he wondered if the rest of the guys wanted to hear them. They were all into it so Howard continued. In one clip Sharpton said that Imus looked like he was going to walk away unscathed but Imus asked him if he was crazy and started mumbling something about the kids at his cancer ranch.
Sharpton brought up the N-word thing that had gone on at WNBC but Imus had an explanation for that but Howard cut it off and said he was getting bored with that. He played another clip where Imus went off on a caller who was insulting him. Imus said he didn't have to put up with that crap. Howard said he liked the funky music Sharpton had playing during that segment. He said this is the funniest thing ever. He thinks that Sharpton is actually a better radio host than Imus is.
Imus asked Sharpton if he knows how much money the government spends on Sickle Cell Anemia. Sharpton didn't know so Imus bragged that he did know and that Sharpton should know that kind if information. Sharpton said that Imus had said he didn't know about Sickle Cell Anemia until just a couple of years ago. Imus claimed he didn't say that and blurted out that only $90 million is spent on sickle cell anemia every year. Fred and Howard were doing their impressions of Imus and goofing on some of the stuff he was saying during that interview.
Howard got back to the clips and played one where Imus referred to the blacks as ''you people.'' Howard said he's really in some shit now. He played the clip where Imus was talking to a woman on the phone on Sharpton's show and said that he can't get anywhere with ''you people'' but said that he was talking about Al and the woman on the phone. Sharpton called him out on that but Imus said he didn't mean it the way he was making it out to be.
Howard said that this was a dumb move for Imus and that company really needs him back there. He said Imus should just leave already. Gary asked Howard if he should invite Imus to come there and explain himself. Howard told him to go ahead. They were pretty sure he wouldn't show up there though. Howard got back to the audio clips and said he was surprised that Imus didn't stab Sharpton. He wondered when Imus realized that it was going horribly.
He played another clip where a woman was talking to Sharpton saying that she was just waiting for Imus to say that ''some of his best friends were negros.'' Howard said he can see Imus now claiming that he'll only have black kids at his ranch from now on. Howard said he had more clips but he wasn't sure if everyone wanted to hear more. He said he was totally into it though. He said he had just one last clip to play so he went right into that. In that clip Imus was talking about how he was on the show and how the people listening were probably thinking hat they had to hear from this old cracker. Sharpton called him out on that and asked him to respect his own race on his show. Imus had to explain that as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening to Imus on his show parading people around talking about what a great guy he is. Howard said that Bill Maher called into Imus' show to tell him what a great guy he is. He played that clip and goofed on Maher a little bit about that. Maher was telling Imus that he can only apologize so much before the acceptance of that apology is on them. Howard goofed on Imus a little more during that and continued to play the audio of Maher's call to Imus. Maher said that there are some real problems in this country that the black leaders should be worried about more than this. Howard said they can't give up on this yet. He said this is something that can be solved if they just fire Imus.
Robin said she can't believe they're not suspending Imus until next Monday. He gets to do a week's worth of shows before they suspend him. Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Imus has been fined by the FCC. Howard said they don't fine over something like that, they only fine for indecency.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who had one of his old prank calls to Imus. He said he did that about 5 or 6 years ago and asked Imus how it felt to be a loser. Imus didn't think the call was funny of course. Janks suggested that they have a new reason for Imus to be fired every day. Howard said there's nothing like having a guy who works in a gas station giving them show advice.
Howard asked Artie how he's doing and brought up the checks he was writing to everyone during the weight loss challenge yesterday. Artie said he only wrote two checks for a thousand bucks. He also gave Sal some money after the fall from the stage in Florida. Artie said that wasn't supposed to get out but Jim McClure somehow figured it out and had a fake scenario that he brought up and it turned out to be true. He said he didn't have to give his agent any commission on that show they did down in Florida so he gave Sal that money instead. Gary said Sal used that money to hire an aide to walk around with him while he was at Disney with his family.
Howard asked Artie if he has any urges to do the big H. Artie said that's every day and he does have to take his Subutex once in a while if he feels he needs it. He said that when he goes out on the road or something he takes it to make sure he doesn't crave the drugs. He took it out in Vegas and when he does certain gigs where he knows he can get it easily.
Artie talked about his detox from the heroin back in 2005 and how rough that was. He said that this drug he takes blocks the high of heroin so if he did take it, he wouldn't feel anything. That led to the guys talking about his weight and how he really needs to lose some. Artie said he feels like he's ready to explode at near 300 and can't imagine getting up to 400. Howard said he's only 100 pounds away. Howard said they have a photoshopped picture of Artie on his web site where he looks like he's 1200 pounds.
Howard said he heard Sal telling a story about how he had taken some stool softeners after he got locked up from the Vikodin he was taking and ended up shitting all over the hotel bathroom. Artie said those stories always end up with Sal's wife telling him that she hates him. She didn't want to help him in any way.
Howard asked Artie if this is the biggest he's ever been weight wise. Artie said he's absolutely the biggest he's ever been, it's not even close. He's still dating though and you'd think that he'd want to be in good shape. Artie said he's beyond caring about that at this point. Howard said that if women stopped putting out for him, maybe that would stop him from eating so much.
Artie said he's in a rut of eating food while watching TV in the afternoons. He said that he's not sure what he's trying to cover up by eating so much.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he and a friend bet on Sanjaya on the web and they could win $30,000 if he actually wins. He said they only have to put up $200 for that bet. Howard said that they will be voting on him tonight but the caller said that the odds aren't as great as they were before so now you put up $100 to win $800 if Sanjaya wins.
Artie told a story about a bet a friend of his had on a game years ago. He said the kid had a $100 bet that could have won him $20,000 if this team had won. This team ended up losing and the guy ended up taking the TV set he was watching and threw it in the shower at the school he was working at.
Howard had to go to break but they have a new contest coming up where they're looking for the Hottest Chick, Loudest Fart winner. The contest is sponsored by Clips4Sale.com. The rules for the contest can be found on HowardStern.com. He went to break after mentioning that.
Gary Garver went out and interviewed Nichele Nichols from Star Trek and asked her who she thinks is the biggest A-hole on Star Trek. She walked away. Garver also asked Steve Martin what he thinks about Howard Stern getting married. Martin said it's great but walked away. Howard said Steve is a big fan but he knows better than to come on the show.
Howard said he heard about this guy John Denner who can play Eddie Van Halen's ''Eruption'' with just one hand and a stump. Fred said that it's not even much of an arm he has there. He said that song is very hard to play with two hands, nevermind just one. Howard said hello to John who said he's 35 years old. He was actually born like that and Howard described what he looks like. He's got a stub under his elbow and that's about it. The other hand is fine.
John said that he was inspired when he saw the Van Halen video for Jump and wanted to learn to play after that. His family wasn't sure about that but they stood back and watched as he did it. Howard had Jeff the Drunk on the phone because he wanted him to get inspired by this guy who has no hand on one arm. He said that this guy is going to play Eddie Van Halen like he's never heard it before. He said that when Jeff says he can't be a carpenter, he's nuts.
John said that he's on a little bit of a break from life right now but he has been working on an arm that he's trying to get patented. He said he has no interest in playing in a band, he just wants to play what he wants to play.
Howard talked to John for a short time and then asked him to play for them. He told the guys how he does this guitar playing and how not having the hand actually works very well for him since he can pick very fast with that stump. He started playing and amazing everyone in the studio with his cover of ''Eruption.'' It was pretty amazing. He said he was a little sloppy but Fred told him it was still very good.
Robin said that this should inspire Jeff. Jeff said that he was amazed and he wasn't being sarcastic at all. John said that he didn't think it was all that great because he was sloppy. Howard said it was still amazing. He then asked Jeff to stop drinking but that wasn't going to happen.
John said that he just started playing seriously a few years ago but he learned about 15 years ago. Howard asked him if he can use his stub in other ways. john said that he's been asked that question by friends and he does what he can.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people ask him some questions. Howard said that you can check out YouTube.com and search his name to find some video. He said the video quality isn't all that great but it's still an amazing thing. Artie said that he loves guitars but can't play, but he can sit there and just pretend to play while listening to his iPod. John said that Artie is not well. Howard said he's right. Howard said that this has inspired him to cut his hand off. John said that he's going to get a nose job and make his nose bigger if that's the case.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that John sounded like Eddie when he was playing. John said he could play some guitar sounds that were like animals. He played one that sounded like a horse and an elephant. He also played with the guitar a little more and said it's just fun to play with. Irish John said that this guy is the greatest musician since Celestine the keyboard player.
John said that he has a little space on VanHalenOutpost.com that people can check out. Another caller asked John how he plays and if the guitar is upside down or anything like that. Howard said that it's a regular guitar and he plays with his right hand. Howard let a few more callers talk to him after that. One caller said that this guy might inspire some people but he's also inspiring two handed guitar players to jump off a bridge. He said he plays guitar and he can't play nearly as well as this guy does.
Richard Christy came in and said that he can play the guitar with no hands. He was ready to whip out his dick to play John's guitar. No one was going to let him do that. Howard told him he should play with Richard on drums. John said that he could play some Hot for Teacher. He started playing that and had Richard singing along with him. John played the beginning of a few other Van Halen songs that the guys requested. Artie said that they were mocking Jeff the Drunk but he can drink more than some people who have two hands.
Howard asked John if he had anything he wanted to plug. John said he really didn't and all he had was the YouTube stuff. Howard told him that he will invite David Lee Roth to come in and sing with John if he wanted. Richard said he could play drums for that. Howard said he will ask but that doesn't mean that Dave will say yes. He wrapped up with John after that and went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought that the song they were listening to, Beast of Burden, was similar to Sweet Jane. Howard didn't think that was the case. He moved on to talk about this cable TV show that the guys used to prank call. The guy had stopped taking phone calls for a while because of the prank calls. He started taking calls again and Sal and Richard were right there prank calling the guy again. Jason called in and got in a call that was for real for a few seconds until he turned it over to Richard who brought up the guy's penis. They called over and over and over again. They kept getting through with different phone numbers and someone else even got in a call.
Sal came in and said that he had all of his stockbroker friends calling in and saying ''You're on the air!'' with that guy's show. Howard noticed that Sal's fingers were all black from his broken wrist. Sal said he's in the cast for another 6 weeks.
Howard said the host of that show is this guy who was on the show one time showing off his giant penis. That's why the guys bring up his penis all the time. He said he had some audio of the guy on the Playboy channel talking about his 13 1/2 inch penis. The guy's name is Jonah and he's pretty famous for that giant penis if his. He was talking to some of the Playboy girls about how he has to adjust it all the time and his balls are proportionate to his penis. Howard said it's weird because he doesn't want to talk about his cock on his Yankees show. He doesn't have a problem talking about it on that show though.
Jonah claims that he's had Academy Award winners but he's done with that and doesn't want to do it anymore. Howard said that 13 1/2 inches is a lot and wondered if Robin would be into that. She said that would be a bit too much for her.
Howard said he had to go pee during the break and he was trying to wash his hands but there wasn't much hot water from the sink. He said he thinks they do that so people don't get burned with hot water. They talked about the type of faucet he has and how it's impossible to let it run without touching it.
Steve said that there are a ton of web sites out there based on this whole Sanjaya thing. He ran down a couple of other things and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon talked about some of the stuff they'll be talking about on the show today. He mentioned the Richard Simmons incident from earlier this morning. That led to JD coming in and saying that Richard mentioned the story when he was on a morning talk show. Richard told them that he had run out crying and it's a very strange relationship.
Jon said that they'll talk about Richard crying out for Gary during the interview. Howard said he really likes Richard and was trying to do a serious interview with the guy. He said he's almost 60 years old and doesn't have a serious relationship at this point. Gary said that the reason Richard was yelling for him is because Richard thinks that he's there to protect him since he's the one who has convinced him to come back on the show. He's never sure what to do during those moments.
Howard talked about another old man, Imus, and how he just keeps holding on to that job. Howard said he would just let go of it if it were him. Robin said that Imus has had a lung collapse and he rushed back on the air even after that.
Jon mentioned John Denner's performance on the show and Howard said he found another guy who knows a 1 armed bass player. He got that guy on the phone and that guy said the bass player is out in Vegas and he's amazing. Howard said he would put that band together and hook up one armed people. Fred said they could call the band ''Stump Temple Pilots.''
Howard asked Jeff if Bill is lying about that. Jeff swore to god that Bill was lying. He said that they never came to his house but Bill insisted they sent a pastor over there. Bill eventually said that they were there twice but he never answered the door. Jeff said he's always home and he would have answered the door.
Bill was saying that Jeff Levy, the Vomit Guy, wants to do something with his life, unlike Jeff the Drunk. Bill said that the one handed guitar player was amazing and that shows that people can do things if they put their mind to it. Jeff the Drunk let Howard know that his birthday is coming up. Howard told him he can't wait but hung right up on him.
Gay Ramone called in and said that nothing can change him no matter what bill says. Bill said you have to want to get out of it. Ramone and Bill went back and forth on that subject a little bit. Howard told Bill that Gay Ramone did sound a little bit less gay today. He laughed as he said that though.
Bill was saying that he wants to challenge Rosie O'Donnell to a debate about the things that she says on The View. Howard didn't think she was being all that outrageous. He let Bill and Gay Ramone go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Bill is talking out of his ass when he says that Jeff the Drunk calls into all of the radio shows up where he lives. Howard said he's heard Jeff on Jay Thomas' show so maybe that's what Bill was talking about.
Howard played a clip of Cabbie going off on a caller that was breaking his balls about selling Howard out. Cabbie said that he's never asked Howard for anything and Howard isn't giving him anything so he doesn't owe him anything. Howard didn't seem to have a problem with that though. He just let it go as if Cabbie was just being Cabbie.
Howard played a clip of Jeff the Vomit guy leaving a message asking for women to vomit on him. He was saying that he has nothing going on in his life, he's ugly but he wants someone to vomit on him. Howard said that was some speech he had there.
Howard had Robin get into her news after that. She ran through a bunch of stories. They had some fun playing some of the Lily Tomlin audio clips from the filming of ''I Heart Huckabees'' that they played before they went on vacation.
Howard was looking for some audio clips of Barack Obama on Letterman's show but JD didn't have time to pull any. JD came in and explained himself so Fred was goofing on him doing an impression while Howard was asking him some serious questions about politics. That led to them goofing on him even more. Howard asked him if his mother should have run off with a Hawaiian and not come back to see him for 8 years. JD said she's fine and didn't want to go there with Howard. Howard didn't drop it though. Fred was playing some Hawaiian music and goofing on him about that. He told JD that he should bring that music with him and blast it so he doesn't have to hear his mom and her man having sex. JD said he doesn't plan on being in that situation.
JD said that he's not sure where he's going to be staying when he goes to this family reunion thing. Howard told him to just blast that Hawaiian music whenever he's around them. Fred played that and some moaning porn clips to create what that might sound like. Howard did an impression of the Hawaiian guy that sounded more like a Pakistani guy than Hawaiian.
Howard talked more to JD about his mother living in Hawaii and how maybe she'll show up wearing a coconut bra to the family reunion. Howard asked him if he wants him to go with him. JD said he's the last person she'd want to see. Howard said he loves JD and wondered if his mother loves him. JD said she does but Howard thinks that he's more his mother than even his mother is. Howard wondered if he hates Hawaiian music. JD said it's not his favorite.
Howard asked JD how old he was when his mother left. He said he was 21 at the time. The guys continued to talk to JD about his schooling and stuff like that. Howard told him he really does love him and he wishes him luck with his mom. He said he'll even bring him to dinner one night... Then he thought about it for a second and told him to forget that, he's not bringing him to dinner. He said he really does love that kid though.
Fred did his impression of JD's mother's new man and said that he has a 13 1/2 inch cock and his balls match his cock. JD told him to calm down with that. He kept going and made fun of the guy with an accent that sounded similar to Howard's. Howard said it would be great if JD's mom really showed up in a grass skirt and a coconut bra. JD hasn't seen his mother in over 8 years so it's going to be interesting for him. Howard wondered if she can do those Hawaiian dances and maybe dance with fire torches. He said he would shit if he could get her on the show and have her do that. JD said he would too.
Howard told JD he should go visit his mother out there. They have some great weather out there. Fred played one of JD's song parodies to the tune of the Hawaii-Five-O theme song. Howard told JD he really wishes that they could sent the Howard TV guys to the reunion. JD said his mother will never let that happen.
Howard took a call from a woman who wanted to give JD some advice before he goes to Hawaii because he could get thrown into a volcano. She told him to watch the movie ''Bird of Paradise.'' She was cracking herself up talking about how he could be thrown in the volcano if his mother's boyfriend didn't like him. Howard said that woman could barely get out a sentence, she was perfect for JD.
Howard told JD that he'll take him to dinner but they have to go to something Hawaiian based. He let JD go a short time later and said that he really wants to give JD his own show. He said he could listen to that guy talk for an hour straight no problem.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard started off the show asking the guys how many times they voted for Sanjaya last night. Robin said she tried but didn't get through many times. A phone caller said he voted 341 times. He said he had to dial about 410 times. Howard said that doesn't look good for Sanjaya if he was able to get through that much.
Howard said he voted but only got through about 10 times. Robin said she got in about 5 votes. Howard thinks that Sanjaya is going to win it after seeing last night's show. He said he still giggles when he votes for Sanjaya and Beth has to leave the room when he starts voting. He said she can't stand to see that her fiancé is voting. He said he's not going to ask his audience to vote if he's not going to vote.
the caller told Howard that he was voting while he was driving last night. He's a truck driver and had to do it. Howard thought that was kind of a distraction from driving but Robin said that he must be a professional. The caller also asked Fred to do a song parody to the tune of ''Smoke on the Water'' with Fred doing his Imus impression and saying Deirdre in the special way he says it. Fred tried it, he played the song and sang along as Imus saying his wife Deirdre's name in a stuttering way. Howard told him to throw in the N-word and some other stuff in there as if Imus were screwing up the song. He instructed Fred to do it the way he wanted to hear it. Fred followed along and threw in some racist comments and then an apology like he's been giving in the media lately.
Howard said that Imus is in the eye of the storm right now and it's great. He loves it. Robin said she's got all kinds of clips about it and there are a lot of stories. She said that he's losing sponsors now as well. They talked about some of the companies that have been dropping him lately and how this could be the end of the show if that continues.
Artie said that when you've been on the air for that long, you should have the ability to argue that he's been on the air for 40 years and he's really not a racist. Imus doesn't even have that as an excuse. Howard said that he could never think in his mind that those girls on the basketball team are ''nappy headed hos'' like Imus called them. He said Imus really screwed up by wearing that cowboy hat that he's been wearing for years now. That gives people a warning that he's a redneck.
Howard said that Imus should have used the senility excuse instead of going on all of these shows and just talking about the mistake he made. Howard said Imus looked feeble on these shows that he's been going on and he should just leave now instead of going on The Today Show and stuff like that. Imus called Matt Lauer ''Mark'' at one point so he looks like an idiot doing that as well.
Howard played an audio clip of Imus being interviewed by Matt and Imus calling him ''Mark.'' Howard wondered why Imus would go on that show and put himself through that. He said that Matt is a nice guy but he wouldn't want that pitbull going after him. Howard said Imus needs that radio job way too much but this is great theater watching a guy get lynched the way he is.
Howard said that the only reason Imus is still on the air is because he has big sponsors and now they're starting to drop off. That could bring an end to his show because he can't stay on the air with the low ratings he has. Gary said that the story is huge news and one national news station used 7 of their 22 minute newscast to talk about it.
Howard said Imus used to say that he was the number 1 guy in the number 1 market on the number 1 station. Howard said he was never number one on any number 1. He said he doesn't know where that guy gets his information from. Gary said that the guys on WFAN were spending all day defending Imus. Howard said they have to do that because without him they'd have no ratings. Gary said they were talking about how the Anna Nicole baby news was going to blow Imus' news out of the water. It turns out that the news was just a 1 minute piece at the end of the news.
Howard said he was talking about whether or not Howard K. Stern will disappear now that he's given up the baby. He said he thinks he will. He will probably try to become Larry's lawyer to get his hands on that money somehow. Either that or he'll marry the kid when she grows up.
Howard said this is like a real life Twilight Zone episode. He said Howard K. Stern was on this one case getting the millions and millions of dollars and he ends up losing it to this Larry Birkhead guy. He said Birkhead has the meal ticket now because his daughter has all of Anna Nicole's money. Robin said that Anna's mother is going to go after him for custody but Howard doesn't think that she'll have a chance with that. She was Anna's mother and we see how that turned out.
The guys talked about Anna's baby and how she was born addicted to drugs since Anna was on a bunch when she gave birth. They were wondering if she was going to have problems as she grew up. Howard said he thinks the kid might have a chance being with Birkhead but he's really not sure.
Howard said his friend was in a coffee shop one morning and saw this odd person dressed as a cowboy. They even thought it was a woman, but it turned out to be Imus. Howard said Imus is usually not afraid to call anyone the N-word to someone's face. Robin said that she walked by him one day at WNBC and he muttered the N-word while he was talking to someone else. She said that even the other person he was talking to couldn't believe that he had just said that.
Bong Hit Eric called in and told Howard that the prank call he played yesterday where Sal and Richard were calling that Yankee guy was really funny. Howard said he would play it again but he had another new one to play. He said the guys called a guy by the name of Sharpton with some Imus clips and had him apologizing to him. They had Imus asking the guy what he knew about black women and mumbling a bunch of unintelligible things to the guy. They had Imus arguing with the guy on the phone and calling him names. The caller was arguing right back for a few minutes.
Bong Hit Eric took a hit off his bong and said he liked it. Howard said he loves that people argue with people who call them. He went into the Yankee call that Eric asked him to play. This guy Jonah has this cable TV show about the Yankees on public access TV and all he wants to talk about his the Yankees. The guys saw a picture of his penis while they were talking about it because he was on Howard's show one time showing it off. Howard said for six months this guy stopped taking phone calls and both Sal and Richard were his first callers when he started taking calls again.
Howard played the prank call where Sal, Richard and Sal's stockbroker buddies all called in and goofed on the guy through his show. Jason also called in with a serious question but then turned over the phone to Richard who brought up Jonah's ''nerd cock.'' Richard called back a short time later as ''Nervous Mark'' and pretended he couldn't get his thoughts out. Jonah hung up on him and said it really is fun to hang up on people. He went off on the guys from the Stern show for spoofing their phone numbers and then took another call from a guy who told him to ''...suck a dick you faggot!'' In the last call Richard starts to moan and then the show goes right to music.
Howard said he likes that the guy cut his show short. He said he shouldn't be allowed to do that. He was also saying that the guy has been on his show with his 13 inch cock.
Artie said he was going to actually try and vote last night but he ended up doing something gayer. He said he was watching some movies On Demand which is something he loves now. He said he saw ''Brokeback Mountain'' on the list and decided to watch it. He wondered when they were going to start to fuck and when they did, he said he can no longer watch those two guys in any movie again. He said it just looked like two actors who were forced to act like they were fuckin. He didn't believe it at all. He also said his favorite part was where Randy Quaid saw them messing around and asked ''What the fuck?'' He said he made it through about 30 minutes of the movie before shutting it off. He said he might have to try again since Howard told him it was a really good movie.
Howard asked Eric the Midget if he ever watched that movie. Eric said he never did see it. He said he remembers Artie playing a gay guy in the movie ''Boat Trip'' though. Howard asked Artie about that movie. Artie said that he and Will Ferrell were supposed to kiss and it could have been really funny but they didn't do the scene that way. He told Howard about the scene and how Will was supposed to give him a kiss but he told his agent that he wasn't going to kiss anyone so they didn't make him do it. He said he knows he's the asshole there because Will was willing to do it. Artie said that Will pulled him toward him but he looked so disgusted that they couldn't use the scenes.
Howard played a bit that the guys had created using ''Brokeback Mountain'' clips and Artie on ''Queer Eye'' yelling about the gay guys while he was drunk and getting made over. Howard got back to Eric and asked him if it was hard for him to get through last night. Eric said that it wasn't tough and he got through about half and half. He was holding his phone in a way that it was muffling the voice so Howard was goofing on him and making that ''Ehhh'' noise he makes every time Eric calls in.
Howard asked Eric when he voted and how long he did it. Eric said he did it in that two hour voting window for the West coast callers. Robin said that she actually called to make sure that the voting was working by calling a different number. She actually voted for someone else to test it out. Eric was saying that he's now hoping that Sanjaya sticks around for a few more weeks because there's some kind of charity thing going on and it means more money for the charity if he sticks around. Howard said he kind of knew what he was talking about. Eric explained what it was and how there are a few sponsors who are giving money to this charity.
Artie interrupted and said that he thinks there's way too much butter on his bagel this morning. It was piled on so high that it looked like cream cheese. Artie said that the guy might be goofing on him at this point. Howard said it looks like someone dropped a load on the bagel. That led to them doing the ''Dropping Loads'' bit and playing clips of a porn guy talking about dropping his loads.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he voted for Sanjaya over 500 times last night. He said he spent an hour and a half doing that. Howard told Eric that he could have voted for four hours if he had started after the East coast airing. Eric said it depends on your area code and he couldn't make it through.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Eric is probably lying about voting for Sanjaya. Eric told the guy that he was going to have to vote for him anyway if he had lost that Trivia challenge he had earlier this week. The caller said that Eric never changes his ways and he's probably lying about this whole thing. Howard told Eric that he believes him. Eric thanked him for that and said that he's the only smart one. The caller thinks that Eric is using reverse psychology on Howard and he's not voting for Sanjaya. Eric said ''He's not correct...''
Captain Janks said he got through over 260 times last night. He said he could give a crap about Sanjaya or American Idol, he's just doing this for Howard. He said he thinks that Sanjaya could have won it even without them because he's pretty good. He also said that this has to be one of the worst American Idol shows as far as singers go.
Howard went into a prank call that the guys made using some Eric the Midget audio clips. Howard got back to Eric and talked about tonight's American Idol and how Robin Thicke is going to be a special guest on the show as well as Jennifer Lopez. Howard said he doesn't give a shit about Robin Thicke. Gary told Howard that the result show is an hour long tonight. He said that they're going to keep it that way from now on. Howard said they're ruining that show by doing that so he's glad that they're going to ruin it and get rid of it for good.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hasn't been able to get laid since he started voting for Sanjaya because his wife won't do it now. Another caller said that he's proud to be part of the 0.0 out in Las Vegas. He was referring to Opie and Anthony's ratings out there in Vegas. The guy asked Fred to play the Imus song that Fred crated about Imus. Fred said he had played it at the show open but Howard told him to go ahead and play it again so that's what he did.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he voted about 100 times last night. He didn't know what the number was but they did run the number on Howard's channel. He said it was about 10:30 last night and he saw the number on the screen (on his radio) and voted about 100 times. Another caller said that his wife made him sleep on the couch because he was voting for Sanjaya.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she hopes that Howard makes up with Richard Simmons after yesterday's show. Howard said he was really trying to make up with Richard out by the elevators but it didn't work. Beth told him to call Richard but he just couldn't bring himself to do that. Robin also said that he did leave right at 6:45 when he was supposed to leave so she's kind of suspicious about his crying.
Howard said that there was this one guy who actually became part of his couch because he never got off of it. He said it was like he became a super hero and melded with his couch. Artie talked about how that 750 pound guy and how he was still eating tons of food and saying that it wasn't the kind of food he was eating, it was about ''lesser portions.'' Fred said that special is actually available on DVD (The 750 Pound Man). Artie said there's another special about this disease that is something like Prader Willi. He explained what that was all about and how funny it was to watch.
JD told Howard he had a clip from the Prader Willi show. Howard played that clip where this kid was screaming for ice cream when the ice cream truck drove through the neighborhood. They follow this kid who is constantly hungry and she goes around begging people for food and claims she has no mother to feed her. The girl in the show is 17 years old and she sounds kind of retarded. Howard said he doesn't believe that this kid has any disease called Prader Willi and she's just a fat person.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Imus thing and how he was talking about what he was going to do for his show by hiring a black person to be on his show and sit in a booth. He was trying to make a joke about Robin and her booth but no one was laughing. Howard said that Imus really did say he was going to add a black person to the show so he played a clip of that comment. Imus said he's been talking about doing that for a long time now and he does think that he should have a black person on the show to give some different perspective.
Howard and the guys goofed on Imus for a few minutes. They were talking about how dopey he is for doing this stuff and not just walking away. Artie said that he sees why Howard has distanced himself from these people. He talked about how lame they are and how they're all kind of sleazy. He mentioned the Opie and Anthony thing and how they have the 0.0 rating in Las Vegas. Howard read that Opie and Anthony are actually friends with Imus and they're backing him up in all of this nonsense. He thought that was pretty funny. He loves watching this whole thing cave in on the old company he used to work for.
Artie said he was supposed to get together with Tom Chiusano. Howard said that he wishes they had a job for him there because he really is a good dude. He said he still talks to Tom and e-mails him. He's such a pro that he won't talk about how unhappy he is over there. The guy just works hard and does his thing there.
Eric the Midget started breathing in a strange way so Howard asked him what was going on. Eric said he was just listening. He also told Howard that Ralph should bring his American Idol show back next week. Howard said they might have to do that. Eric said he'd have more to say if he did the show again. He has more questions for Constantine.
Eric said that he left a message for Gary and he needs him to get back to him. He was being very cryptic with that message. Artie said he keeps forgetting that Eric tried to put a hit on a guy. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Howard said that the guys took Jeff the Vomit Guy's voice mail, cut it up and prank called a Bulimia call center. He played the voice mail from Jeff the Vomit Guy where he talks about how one dimensional he is and how he's really just a 49 year old man with no job and can't make much of a living. After that he played the prank call that the guys made using Jeff's voice mail clips. They had him asking this Bulimia call center woman if she could help him. She said she couldn't help him out finding a woman to vomit on him. The woman told him that he was an asshole and hung up on him. Robin said that was a brilliant call and she's not sure why they didn't think of it earlier.
Chris said he had to check into a mental institution after that. He said it was insane and it was very freaky because it was like the movie ''One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.'' Artie told Chris to give him a call off the air because he thinks that he can really help him. Howard gave him an ''Uh Oh!'' when he heard that. Artie said he was in two mental institutions for 15 days each. He said he was court ordered to go to one so he knows what it's like to be in there.
Howard told Artie to talk to Chris now. He wanted him to do that but pointed out he had stains on his shirt. Artie said they were water, not butter like Howard thought. Artie said that if he does this on the air, it would make a mockery of the whole thing. He didn't want to do that. Robin said that Artie was just on heroin so she wondered how he could help. He said that was two years ago and he really does think he can help. Howard told him to go ahead and pretend that they weren't there.
Artie started to ask Chris some questions but Fred played some Gilbert Gottfried laughing clips while he was doing it. Chris told Artie that back in 2003 he was so depressed that he didn't eat and wouldn't get out of bed at all. He tried to kill himself by taking 50 sleeping pills. He said he didn't try to get help after that. He knew that a friend was coming down to visit him so Artie figured that he knew that someone was coming and he didn't really want to die.
Howard asked Artie when he was going to cure him. Artie told Chris to call him off the air, he figures it might take a long time to help him out. He guarantees that he can help this guy out. He said that he would just talk to him like a friend and that's what he needs. Artie said that he was in the nuthouse at Columbia Presbyterian and he still talks to one of the kids he was in there with. He said it's not that easy to help a guy out but he seems to think that he can.
Chris was telling the guys that he has moved to Atlanta in a gay friendly part of town. He said he's been dating a lot and things are going okay now. Artie said that when you go into these mental things they tell you about the people who tried to kill themselves. He said that Frank Sinatra was one of them and he tried to kill himself four times. Artie said that he just become friends with Chris and one of the first things he might have to do is stop being a Mets fan because that could be depressing in itself. Artie told Chris that wrestling is in the past and he has to move on. He said that people lose sight of what they're passionate about in their life and that's what they have to work on.
Howard and Robin were goofing on Artie's therapy. Howard said that five of his listeners just killed themselves. Artie shot back and said that means there were only 8 left. Howard told Chris that maybe he could become a gay circus clown or something.
Howard read that Chris had taught Jay Leno to wrestle so he asked him about that. Chris said that Jay was way too serious about it and wasn't funny at all when he was working with him. He also taught Dennis Rodman and joked that he made out with him. He said that he was just kidding but he wouldn't doubt if he was gay. He said that John Ameci once said that Dennis would put anything in his mouth. He was also saying that Dennis showed up to the wrestling thing all drunk and stinky.
Chris thanked Howard for helping him out because as soon as he got off the show he got a book deal. Artie told him that he needs a long term plan so he asked him what he's trying to do. Chris said that he's looking to get a job and getting a boyfriend. Robin asked him how he's doing now. Chris said that it's all about the medications now. He said that he's on lithium, welbutrin and a couple of others. Howard said that he's on quite a cocktail there.
Chris said that he's been feeling good for the past 3 and a half months now. Robin asked Artie if he thinks Chris could live without the medication. Artie said he doesn't know about that stuff. Howard asked Chris if he got laid in the asylum. Chris said that he did meet a guy the first day he was there and they did mess around. He said there are a lot of gay people who are depressed out there and he had a feeling he'd meet some in there.
Chris said that he was talking to Bubba and wants to take on two people in the Bubba-gon. He wants to take on this guy Pete Pace who is against gays in the military. The other guy is this guy Tim Hardaway. He said that he'd even take on both at the same time. He'd also like to do it as a UFC-type of fight. He's going to be making some calls about it today. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard said he should have played that fisting special for Chris. He played the clip yesterday and went right into it after bringing it up. Robin said that it didn't sound like a documentary to her, it sounded more like a crime was being committed. Richard Christy came in and said that a fan sent the audio in and he wasn't sure if it was a documentary or not. Howard said it was definitely a documentary.
Lisa was saying that they'd have to replace Imus with someone but Howard told her that they could just throw in the guys who replaced him when he left that company.
Howard said that Imus' wife's book is coming out this week so she must be going crazy on him now. She must be really pissed about the timing of all of this stuff. He did an impression of Imus and his wife having a conversation about the whole thing. Howard wondered what other songs Fred could do his Deirdre thing to. Fred played the ''Smoke on the Water'' song and did that one again.
Howard talked more about Imus and some of the dopey comments he made while talking to Al Sharpton on his show. They talked about how Imus should do his show in blackface and rename the show to ''Imus and Andy.'' Howard, Fred and Artie were all doing their impressions of Imus. Howard said that Imus is a racist piece of shit. Lisa G said that she worked with Imus and he really wasn't a nice person. She wondered why someone would even have that ''nappy headed ho'' comment in his head.
Howard wanted to watch more of Imus' appearance on The Today Show. He played a clip where Imus was talking about how Al Sharpton didn't have the balls to come on his show after he did Sharpton's show. He said he likes Sharpton and he should know that he wasn't going to be goofing around about something like that. Imus screwed up at one point and called Reverend Sharpton ''Reverend Hargas'' which is one of the characters he does on his show. Howard thinks that the old guy has to call it quits at this point. He called Matt Lauer ''Mark'' at one point as well so he doesn't seem to be all there.
Howard played more of the audio and continued to goof on Imus about all of the dopey things he's been saying over the past few days. Howard said he wants to hear everything Imus has to say. He said he likes that Imus thinks that he's a good guy when he's really not. He said that you just have to ask anyone who worked with him if he's a nice guy and they'll tell you he's not.
Howard played the ''nig*er Hatin Hat'' song after talking about how Imus stopped wearing that hat after all of this stuff started to go down. He figures he stopped wearing it because he knows that people look at that hat and think that he's a racist redneck. Howard went around the room and asked everyone what they thought about Imus keeping his job. Robin said she thinks he'll keep it, Fred said he's going to lose it. Benjy said he'll be out by August. Artie was with Benjy and said he thinks they'll keep him around. Howard said he thinks that Imus will never return from his 2 week suspension. If that happens he thinks that the guys on the show will go back to doing nothing in radio.
Howard said he thinks that the Blind Boys of Alabama will be Imus' replacement. Either that or David Lee Roth, or maybe Soupy Sales. That led to the guys talking about how bad David Lee Roth's show was when it replaced Howard's.
JD came in and said that Imus was talking about how the ''nappy headed hos'' term didn't come out of the white community. He said that it came out of the black community, he just said it as a joke. Imus was digging himself a deeper hole by claiming that he's angry about the way the black man treats the black woman by calling women those names. Howard said that he's just an asshole.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he would book it if they wanted to bet on whether or not Imus would return. Dominic thinks that they will fire him and he's giving 3-1 odds. Artie wanted to bet him on that because Dominic was going to give it two months. Howard said Imus will not return after the two week suspension. He talked about how Bob Grant was fired by ABC for some comments he made and the same thing will happen with Imus.
Artie was ready to up his bet to $5,000 from just a thousand. Dominic said he'd take it. Artie said if he loses, he'll take a dinner at Il Molino. Dominic bumped the bet down to $1,000 instead of taking the five grand. Dominic went on to explain how the sponsors are the key to the whole thing. If they all start dropping off, that's what's going to lead to Imus getting fired. Dominic asked the guys if anyone else wanted to bet him. No one else was up for it. Robin said she wasn't sure now. Howard let him go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would hire Imus if he got fired. Howard said that they will hire people if they can bring in subscribers. He said Imus can't get any listeners so they wouldn't hire him there. The guy has a free show and no one listens.
The guys ended up talking about Katie Couric and how she's dating some young guy now. Howard said he could probably bang her, he could bang just about anyone. Artie said there are some girls who just don't emote any sexuality and they're the ones you don't want to screw. Howard said that Katie isn't exactly all that sexy. Robin said she's kind of boy like to her.
Lisa G finally got to her news report. She said that they'll be talking about Sanjaya and how DialIdol.com is saying that he should be safe but anyone could be going tonight. She said that the site shows that it's very close at this point. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he voted 100 times last night. Robin said that everyone is doing their job except for Artie. Artie said he was busy watching ''Brokeback Mountain.''
Lisa said that Benjy said something in front of Jon Hein's daughter on the Wrap Up Show that he shouldn't have. Jon had the kids in to talk about American Idol and Benjy let the F-word slip. Howard played a clip from the show where Jon and Gary were talking to the kids about Idol. Benjy eventually said the F-word in front of the kids. Benjy didn't think Howard was being serious. He said the kid is 12 years old and it was just the F-word. Gary said the 12 year old was there with her 9 year old sister. Benjy said he didn't think the word was that big of a deal.
Howard said he wouldn't do that in front of anyone else's kids. Benjy said he doesn't think that it's a big deal but everyone else did. They were all attacking Benjy for what he said and he really didn't think it was a big deal. Howard said that it's really not that big of a deal but you just don't do it in front of someone else's kids. Howard told Benjy to fuck off and said he just wanted to argue and it was silly.
Lisa G said that Artie's movie ''Beer League'' hits the Pay-Per-View today and that means it's available to over 40 million households. Lisa also said that the vending machine guy is very happy that Artie has a good appetite because he makes a commission off sales from the machine. Artie said that guy Jose is a good guy. Howard had to go to break a short time later. They played the Jeff Levy call to the Bulimic center as they were going to break.
Howard asked Curtis what happened with him and Riley. Curtis said that Riley's head has gotten so big since he started playing the clips of him on the show that he changed. It all went to his head and he started thinking he was in Hollywood. Curtis said that Riley's head got bigger than Tan's (the Alien) head. Curtis said that Riley is only there because of Tan. He said he believes that the mother ship is really out by Saturn and that's exactly where Riley said it would be. He said that Riley really did sit with Tan and that he's not just some kook.
Curtis said that he did seven shows with Riley and was the director and producer for him. He said he asked Riley one time to give him nine seconds on the show and Riley ended up cursing him out. He used to be Mr. Peace and Love but no more. He thinks that Riley has lost his focus.
Riley was on the phone and said that he loved working with Curtis. He said he ended up losing his money over the years though. He said that he and Curtis made a lot of money on the book that they put out. He said that he asked Curtis to pass along some money that they were making on the book and he didn't come through. Howard asked Curtis what kind of money he made on it. Curtis said the book was a 600 page manuscript and it cost about $25,000 to print 2000 copies.
Curtis said that Riley's symbols are very amazing and he believes that Riley would not be able to draw them himself. He needed the help from Tan. Howard got him back on track and asked more about the book. Curtis said that he nearly went bankrupt at the end because of the book. It didn't really pay off. Curtis said Howard saved him from going bankrupt back in 1996 when they promoted the book. He said he printed 5000 copies after that and eventually broke even.
Riley said he can understand Curtis paying off his house and driving his car around while he hasn't gotten one dime from that book. He said that all he wanted to do was get all of his material back. Howard suggested that he do an audit if he feels he's been ripped off. Riley said that he would do that but Curtis will not let him. He said that he hasn't gotten one check for that book so far. He said he had to eat for the past 10 years and he hasn't gotten any money from that book. Riley also said that he's given Curtis 1/3 of his symbols.
Howard asked Curtis if he could give Riley some of his books. Curtis said he loaned Riley $4,000 when they started the book up and he never saw that. Riley said that he bought, and paid for, six boxes of books from Curtis and the other three were the only free ones he got. That's all he's cleared so far since knowing Curtis. Curtis said he has all of the accounting and all of the orders for the book if they want to see them.
Curtis and Riley went back and forth about that for a short time. Curtis said that he finally just broke even this past December. He said he's going to now give Riley $10 per book sold now that they've broken even. He said that he will follow through on that now. Curtis said that he now owes Riley an $890 credit from the books that have been sold. Curtis said he's going to start doing a podcast starting next Tuesday. He said that show will be called Hello Earth.
Riley said that he is no longer with SIRIUS at this point because of the contract he got last night. He said that they could give it to Curtis for all he cares. Howard said that it can't be possible that Curtis found someone else to steal Riley's bullshit act. Howard asked Curtis what he does for a living. Curtis said he doesn't make a living and hasn't for many years. Curtis said that he's sold less than 4000 books in the past 12 years. He said that Riley thinks that he's rolling in money but he's really not.
Riley said that 4000 books is $100,000 without the printing costs so there has to be some money there somewhere. Curtis claims that he just broke even this past December and Riley has this credit for $890 but he has already given Riley $10,000 over the years. Artie asked Curtis how much he's actually made on the book because it did sound like Riley was right if he sold that many books and only shelled out so much for printing. Curtis said that he has to pay for the phone bill, the web site upkeep and all of that stuff as well. Riley said that he's forgetting about the Symbols. Curtis said that Riley doesn't keep up on how many he's actually sold though.
Riley said that Curtis doesn't have to do anything for the symbols. Curtis threw out the $10,300 that he paid to Riley but Riley didn't know where he was coming up with that number. Curtis explained it but Riley didn't think it was right.
Howard said that SIRIUS wrote up a contract for Riley where they wanted a ''no compete'' clause in it where he wouldn't be able to talk to any other radio stations for a year if he signed. Howard said even he doesn't agree with that and he will try to take care of that for him. Riley said he couldn't sign it because of that clause. Howard told Riley he agreed with him but Riley was still arguing with him. Howard said it was only $400 a week and if the guy can go out and get another show, he should be allowed to do that.
Gary told Howard that Curtis has done a lot of stuff over the years and he really helped keep Riley on the show. Howard asked Curtis to hook him up with this other guy, maybe he's as good as Riley. Riley said that's fine with him as long as that contract is the way it is. He said they can find him elsewhere in the mean time. He said you can find out where he's going to be at RileyMartin.org.
Gary asked Riley if he ever thought about working a job to support himself while he's not doing the radio show. Riley said that he was working a job when Gary was just a ''spermatozoa'' in his father's scrotum. Riley went off on Gary and said he would like to stay with SIRIUS and work for them because he admires Howard's gumption. Curtis also reminded him that Howard pays him unlike anyone else out there. Curtis said that he has also paid Riley but Riley was still denying that.
Howard figured that this wasn't going to be settled there. He wanted to wrap up but Robin asked Riley if he's happy that he wasn't with Curtis now. Riley went off on Curtis a little more about not getting paid but then Gary came in and said that Riley is supposed to be making an appearance at some event soon so the Howard TV guys want to cover it. Howard told him to make sure that happens.
Curtis got in a plug for this podcast he's doing and said you can find out more at Hello Earth. Howard wrapped up with both of them a short time later. He had Dominic Barbara on the line trying to joke around about the whole thing but it wasn't going over very well so he just cut him off and moved on.
Howard played a couple of Riley bits after that. They had a song parody using Riley's ''Uhh'' sounds and a prank call that Sal and Richard made to him doing an alien voice thing with him. Then a few more Riley song parodies and some more prank calls using his voice.
That led to Howard and Robin talking about Danny Bonaduce saying that his marriage is on the rocks. Howard had an audio clip from Adam Carolla's radio show where Danny talks about a letter he got from his wife who went and signed papers to divorce him. Howard played through the clip and it sounds like Danny's wife is really going to leave him this time.
Howard said he really likes Danny. He wondered how that teaming up of Danny and Adam Carolla is going. Artie wasn't aware of that. Howard said Adam didn't have any ratings so they brought in some other people like Danny Bonaduce. He said he doesn't know what's really going on over there. He said that Adam is going to come in to talk to them about all of that because he'll be in town for a film festival thing. He's got a movie coming out so he'll be promoting that.
Howard said he read a story about a news report where they claim that he's backing up Imus in this racist thing. Robin said that they must be picking up on the Daily News story where they misquoted Howard. Howard played that clip where they claim that Howard said Imus should have said to his bosses ''F-you, it's a joke!'' which is not true at all. Howard said the whole thing is just stupid.
Howard said he had an audio clip from 1160AM in New York. He said that if you tuned anymore to the right on that dial, you'd end up in the glove box. He spent a minute goofing on Imus and some other radio guys for a short time.
Howard said The Globe had a picture of Pam Anderson in the magazine but he found it hard to believe it was actually her. He showed it to Artie and he said it looks like her tits are just too big and she's looking kind of heavy. Howard said her belly doesn't look right either and it can't possibly be her.
Artie talked about how much they actually let interns do there. He said that no other show lets interns submit show ideas like they do there. Howard said that they have this one intern there who wrote a Baba Booey song parody that was actually very good. Gary said that the kid is one of those guys who doesn't say much. Howard played the song and it was all about how Gary's breath smells like shit and his lips look like a clit and things like that. That intern isn't in today so Gary said they could talk to him about it tomorrow.
Howard got back to The Intern Show stuff. Steve was talking about how there was a bit of an AIDS scare with him on the show one time. Steve didn't want to talk about it because he had to go home to his wife who wasn't going to be very happy.
There was another clip where Grillo talked about Howard naming him Gunga Din. Grillo didn't know much about it and thought it was about this ''A-rab kid'' that gave water to people. He had no clue what it was really about. Grillo said that he used to have to bring Howard hot water every couple of hours. It was hard according to Grillo. The guys heard that Grillo kept a journal about what happened there so Howard said he wants to hear him read excerpts from it on the air. He told Gary to find the right sections to read on the air.
Howard said that this Patti Smith came out with an album of cover songs called ''Twelve.'' He played some of the songs and wondered who would buy it. Howard said it wasn't all that bad but there was no reason for it. Ralph called in a short time later and agreed with Howard on that. He also said that this Pink chick has been getting all political lately. He said that she was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night making some lame speech.
Ralph went back to Grillo's journal as well and said that they should have him do a special radio show for an hour where he reads the journal to an audience. Howard said they have to do it on his show first and see how it goes. They ended up goofing on Grillo for a short time about a few things. One of the things that Gary thinks drove Grillo over the edge was the movie deal. Howard gave him a job on that movie and he ended up losing out on it because Howard needed him there to make his potato. Gamblin' Dan ended up getting the job on the movie and met Ron Howard and worked on some of his movies. He also got to marry a hot chick.
Howard said they had this one guy working on his movie who was posted outside his door to make sure there was no noise to bother him. It turns out that guy was Eli Roth who went on to make Hostel and some other movies and how he's a big movie maker now. Howard read that he's now dating Rosario Dawson. Ralph didn't think she was all that hot though so he wasn't impressed
Artie asked how they came up with the bits that Gary did between scenes. Howard said that the time frame that the movie too place in was when Gary wasn't on the show. He said they wanted Gary in the movie so they had those scenes put in. Howard went on to talk about how Paramount is going to re-release the DVD for Private Parts but they're not putting anything new on it. He said he wanted to put some deleted scenes and stuff on there but they just don't want to do that. He really is done with it, it was 10 years ago and it's in his past.
Howard talked to Gary about some of the scenes that he had shot for the movie and how they had staged this one scene in the movie where this woman refused to get naked. Howard thought everyone was good in the movie. Howard took responsibility for the Fred thing and how he was silent all the time. He said Fred is known for not talking on the show much but he's actually very verbose off the air. He said they did the silent thing because it was funny.
Fred said that Betty Thomas was very good about letting him do things differently. They talked about some of the stuff he did in the movie and his infamous scene by the bus. Gary said that he shot the first scene of the movie with Betty Thomas and she told him ''Remember Gary, it's all about the teeth...'' which he thought was just her trying to comfort him or something. Howard said he hasn't seen the movie in years, he just doesn't watch it. Gary said he let his kids watch it and they thought it was cool. Howard said his kids were around 11 and 13 at the time the movie came out. He said that they went and saw it with their mother. He thought it would be too weird to bring them to the premiere.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He mentioned the Chris Kanyon call that they got today. They'll also talk about Artie giving his advice to Chris and offering to talk to him off the air. Riley Martin's former co-host Curtis will also be one subject for discussion. Jon said that they'll also talk more about Imus and all of the stuff they did on the show about that. Howard still thinks that Imus won't last through the two week suspension and said Friday will be his last show. He had Robin start her news right after that.
Ralph said he didn't think that Sanjaya should have cut his hair or grown the facial hair to sing that song he was singing. Howard thought it worked for him though. He seemed to be trying to look more like Marc Anthony while he was singing the song.
After taking a break during the news Howard came back and played a clip of Jesse Jackson being confronted about a comment he made about New York City being ''Heimytown'' one time but he avoided answering and went off on Don Imus for what he said claiming that he had more of an outlet and more of a history of doing that type of thing. That led to the guys talking more about the whole Imus thing for a short time.
Gary came in and told Howard that they had an audio clip of Ellen Degeneres talking about how Howard Stern was ruining the entire American Idol thing. She said that she didn't want to start a feud like Rosie O'Donnell did but she did complain about what Howard was doing. Howard said that he doesn't take offense at that at all and told Ellen he has no problem with her at all. She's safe with him. Artie said that Howard is sticking by his opinion that she sucks as a stand-up comedienne.
Howard got in a plug for this ''Biggest Fart, Hottest Chick'' competition they have coming up. He said he can't wait to see that but both Artie and Robin said that they're not sure they're looking forward to that. Howard mentioned some of the Howard TV stuff they have coming up soon as well. He ran through a list of the stuff they have coming up and one of them is Robin's race out in California. She said she's doing the race this Saturday actually.
Howard said the number one show on Howard TV right now is the Miss Black Howard Stern show. The other one that gets a lot of views is the one where Sal the Stockbroker's wife shoots him in the ass with a paintball gun. The other one that gets a lot of views is the Nicole Sheridan show where she gives KB a hand job.
Howard read through some e-mail he got about Richard Simmmons' appearance yesterday. Some people loved hearing him bust his balls but others thought he was wrong for not letting the guy get in a word. He also got a lot of feedback about John Denner the one handed guitar player. Some people loved it but there was at least one guy who thought he sucked. Howard said most of the people thought he was amazing. Some people wrote in about the Imus stuff they've been doing lately. Some people think the show has been great since they started doing that stuff. Robin finished up her news a short time later and Howard started to wrap up the show. He did a commercial but then Robin got news report from Gary about some guy who had been fired from a radio station after talking about Imus' comments. They didn't have enough details to get too far into it though so Howard gave up and read through his commercials. They were done with the show around 11:00am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how he was a little disappointed. Jane Pratt was supposed to be on the show today but she isn't going to show up. He said she lied to him on terrestrial radio when she claimed she didn't sleep with Drew Barrymore and she was supposed to tell the real story today. She ended up backing out and maybe she did that because she's getting too much shit about it now.
Howard had some audio from the old radio show where she claimed she hadn't been with Drew. Mike Walker was on the phone at the time and he's the one who brought it up. In the clip Mike asked Jane about it and she denied ever doing anything. She said she had kissed her but not with her tongue. She said she'd take a lie detector test to prove it too. Howard asked her about going to a certain club and she denied that she had done anything there other than holding her hand. That interview took place back in 1999.
Howard said that she was apparently lying back then. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Drew had just been named the spokesmodel for Cover Girl so maybe that's why Jane is catching shit. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he would like to smoke his joint while talking to him so he asked to be put on hold to finish rolling it. He needed about a minute and a half to do that.
Howard said that he was giving predictions on Imus' demise yesterday and he turned out to be right because MSNBC has dropped Imus' show after all of the controversy. He still thinks that Imus won't return from his 2 week suspension either. He said that Imus was never funny, he never had an audience. Howard said Imus used to walk into his studio when he was doing his show and he'd try to work his way into that whole thing and he's thrilled that this old man is getting his due. He said he doesn't want anyone to give him any mercy.
Robin said that Al Sharpton was outside of the CBS studios protesting yesterday. Artie said that he saw Sharpton talking about the incident and said something about how the NBC peacock had spread it's wings and did the right thing and wondered what the CBS eye was looking at.
Artie brought up another story in the news about the Duke lacrosse players and the stripper that they had hired. He said that she was pretty heinous looking. That led to the guys talking about ugly strippers and their experiences with them in the past. Artie had a story about one chick that weighed about 350 pounds and had a tattoo of her brother on her arm. Her brother had been shot and killed. Howard told a story about a couple of strippers that Ronnie had hired for a bachelor party and the girls looked like the heroin addict types and it was pretty scary. He said they had mannish faces and the guys were running away from them trying to avoid their lap dances and stuff.
Artie told another story about his friend who had a bachelor party one time and the girls were so ugly that all of the guys were watching a ball game instead. Howard said that all of the guys at his party were avoiding the girls at their party too.
Howard said he thinks that tomorrow could be Imus' final show on his current station and that will be it. The caller on the line said that there were some people fighting about getting Imus on the air out in Pittsburgh though. Howard didn't believe that at all. He said he was talking to a few guys yesterday about what's been going on and he really thinks that Imus was never funny and was just trying to be him.
The caller said that his question about jealousy was based on Imus being on terrestrial radio and he said that Howard says racist stuff on satellite and that's kind of expected. Howard told the guy there's a difference between what Imus did and what he does. He's not calling people names when he does race humor, he's having fun with it while Imus is calling people names. He said that the best thing in all of this is that Imus' wife had to cancel her book tour because of this controversy. Howard thinks that she's giving Imus shit now that he's ruined that for her.
Howard brought up this guy Claus Von Bulow and how he managed to get out of town after being accused of killing someone and now he's having a great life in some other country. Meanwhile OJ Simpson is sticking around and flaunting his stuff in everyone's face. Maybe Imus should get out of town.
Howard said that Imus will not return from his suspension and he will stick to that prediction. The caller asked him if he's happy about that. Howard asked Robin if there's something better than happiness. She gave him a few words that were a little better than happiness. Howard said he's not really sure it's happiness but he does enjoy watching all of this stuff unfold. He said he predicted that Imus would lose his job and he thinks he will also lose his wife. The caller thinks that Howard is happy about because on some level he is competing with him. Howard said he never competed with Imus because he had no talent, ever.
Howard said Imus' wife is a very motivated Yenta and blowing and fucking that guy can't be fun on any level. He said that's why she will leave him eventually. He talked about the people he's had on the show who worked at Imus' ranch and had some horror stories about that. He thinks that Imus is half senile now and that's what his problem is. He also doesn't think that any of Imus' team will ever work near him. He said that everyone on that show has done something in the past that would prevent that. He said that Charles McCord is a no talent motherfucker who used to give him attitude back when they were working at NBC. He said when their ratings went up, that's when Charles was willing to talk to him.
Howard said that Bernard McGuirk was another one who would call him begging for a job and then go on the air at Imus' show. He told that guy to go fuck himself and to never come to satellite looking for a job. Howard said that they have major problems at that radio company (Viacom) with their 0.0 morning team and now Imus. Howard said that all of this brings him to the Radio Hall of Fame and how they can't have a hall of fame without him. He said it's just a Hall of Lame without him in it.
Howard said that Imus' wife Deirdre was on Good Morning America before all of this stuff went down. He played an audio clip of that interview. She was talking about how Imus used to be an alcohol and drug addict so she had to keep all of these household chemicals away from him. The guys stopped that tape and goofed on him about that stuff. The caller said he thinks that all of this stuff will help him out in the long run. Howard disagreed and said that being a racist will not help him out in the long run.
Howard said that he will never whither away in public like Imus has done. He said he's going to retire while he's still strong. Howard said that Imus should have gotten off the air 5 years ago and he could have retired in peace. Now he won't be able to go to a restaurant without a black guy shitting in his food. The caller thinks that Artie is a racist as well but Howard said Artie is using that as humor and he's not a racist. The caller thinks that Artie's stand-up act is racist but Howard said he's really not a racist.
Artie said he went up there and ended up in Bedford, Massachusetts at a small airport. They have a great jet with the New England Patriots colors on it. Artie said they have a full staff and a pilot ready to fly at any time. They live in the suburbs of Boston so they went out to this kid's house. Artie was saying that this kid is a good guy and he does good things for charities and things like that. He said that it's his life's work to help out inner-city kids.
Artie said that they had chocolate cupcakes with the Howard fist logo on them as snacks. Gary said that the stewardess asked Artie if he wanted one and even unwrapped it for him. Howard said he hates when they do that kind of thing because he doesn't want anyone touching his stuff like that. They talked about the flight attendant who Artie was kind of taken with. He said that she was very cute. He didn't get her number though.
Artie said that he and Gary got up there in this C4, 14 seat jet. He said that they asked him about money and he said he didn't feel comfortable asking for any money. He said the guy said that he was going to pay him something so Artie said he'd take whatever they gave him. He said it was very awkward but they handled things very classy.
Artie said they took off around 3:30 yesterday afternoon and they were back at about 10:15 last night. Howard figured he had to be exhausted. Gary said that he usually goes to bed at 11 anyway and he was in bed by 11:20 or so last night so it's not so bad. He stayed in the city and didn't have to drive in so it wasn't too bad.
Artie said that he'd much rather do a huge show with thousands of people instead of doing a 50 person show. He said that there's always someone in the room who is uncomfortable with his material and it's very tough to do a show like that.
Gary told Howard about how they took them up to this room at the house they were at and showed Artie Babe Ruth's will. They had it framed. They also had some Bruce Springsteen stuff that they showed off to Artie. Gary said after that they went over to Bob Kraft's house. He said that Bob brought them up to his office and took some pictures of them all in front of the Super Bowl trophies. Gary said Artie remembered the games when he saw the trophies and would tell the stories about the kind of money he lost on those games.
Artie talked about how great those games all were. Howard interrupted for a second and said that yesterday was so great because Sanjaya won and Imus was fired. He did that quickly and then Artie and Gary got back to their story. They said that they got a bunch of stuff like footballs from them while they were there. They also talked about the football stadium that the family had built. Howard wondered how they have that kind of money. Artie said that the family started some paper company, it's not the Kraft food company, it's a paper company.
Artie said that this guy paid a lot of money for the team and a lot of people thought they were nuts for paying so much. Bob said that he knew that he was going to work his ass off to make the team great so he didn't feel so bad paying what he did for the team.
Gary said that they were handed some envelopes by the father and when they opened them up, they were both blown away by the amount of money they were given. Artie said that it was very generous and he was very surprised by the whole thing. Robin asked if it was more than he would have charged. Artie said it absolutely was. He said he also got the check before he did his stand-up so there was a lot of pressure on that.
Gary said that they were brought down to the basement of this house and sat in the barber shop of the house. Gary said it was so nice it looked like a real barber shop with three chairs and everything. Artie said he pictured the guy snapping his fingers and the barber stepping out of the closet and asking him what he needed. Gary said they were in the barber shop and he had to go to the bathroom. He took the check out of his pocket in the bathroom and he thought to himself ''holy shit!'' Howard was very curious about it and asked the guys if it was over or under this number he was going to give. Gary wasn't going to do it so Artie made him an offer. He said he would write it down if Howard offered to fill him in on one of the most famous chicks he banged when he was screwing chicks after his divorce.
Howard had Gary write down a name of this woman he banged since he didn't know what to write down. Howard told Artie that he wanted him to know the name and it wasn't a fucking, it was a blow job. He said that it was one of the best blow jobs he ever got too. Gary thinks that he's going to be blown away when he reads the name. Howard told Artie that he has to rip up that name when he sees the paper. Artie said he couldn't believe that he had agreed to this.
Howard handed him the paper and Artie started to laugh and said ''that's the best!'' He said he never would have guessed that name. Howard told Artie that he had walked into a party and this chick took him right up to the bedroom. Robin said that she knew exactly who he was talking about. Artie said that the name would die with him. Howard got his piece of paper and said that it was a nice figure. He ripped up both pieces of paper after that. Howard said that they could have given him more though. The guy has a back yard the size of a football field.
Artie said that he got the best of that deal. He said he has the name of this chick and Howard just knows what he got paid. Howard was going to tell more of the story to Artie. He said that she was actually waiting for him in his hotel room that night. She managed to sneak in somehow. He said that he got a little scared but she was in his room yelling at him asking ''where the fuck have you been?'' She thought that he knew that she might be there. Howard said he did kind of know but he wasn't positive. He said he just met this chick that night and never saw her again after that. Artie said that Howard will forget what he wrote down for him in minutes while he'll remember this name forever.
Artie got back to the story about this party he and Gary went to and talked about what they did while they waited to go up and surprise this kid. He said that Mrs. Kraft was there and he felt kind of uncomfortable doing some of his act in front of her because she's into doing charity work and all of this stuff. Artie said he did one joke that even he couldn't believe he did in front of these people. He quickly told that joke to Howard and got a laugh out of him. Artie said that the money he made last night was about the amount that some people make in a year. He was very happy with the amount he got.
Gary said that the family seemed to enjoy all of the sports jokes that Artie was doing. Artie said he thinks that he killed so he was happy with the way things went for him. Gary said that they were offering them all kinds of stuff like the chance to hang out on the sidelines at games and even to go sit in the front row of a Springsteen concert if they get him up there. Gary said that was a great moment for both he and Artie.
Howard said it sounded like a great night. Gary said that Artie was trying to tip everyone last night from the driver to the pilot. Artie said that everyone was refusing to take any payment from him because the family apparently takes care of them so well. He said that they must really respect the family. He wondered how all of that happened as they were flying home. Howard said that sometimes that stuff just works out the right way. Robin wondered if Artie was going to get depressed today. He said he might just throw himself in front of a train like Chris Kanyon thought about doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Imus thing and also said that Artie had a great line last week. He told the joke that he was talking about but Artie was wrong about the joke because they were referring to Heather Mills doing the mambo and Artie made a Limbo joke.
Howard said that this Jennifer Lopez must have a screw loose. He said that she laughs at herself after everything she says. He played some examples of that where she's talking about watching American Idol with her family and just cracks herself up for no reason. He said he was pulling the hair out of his head watching her laugh at herself. He wondered if she had a French tickler inside of herself or something.
Robin said that Jennifer looked beautiful on that show last night. Howard said her face is good but that ass is way too big. Artie said he thinks that her face is stunning. Howard played more of her laughing at herself on the show for no reason. He goofed on her after each time she'd laugh. The laugh would come out of nowhere. Robin said that she also wears all of those bangles and they make all kinds of noise which drives her nuts.
Artie said that he was trying to say why he doesn't like the show, while he was on the C4, and he just can't watch all of that awful singing. Howard played another clip where Jennifer was laughing at something she said. What she was saying wasn't funny though. Fred threw in some Gilbert Gottfried and Dice Clay laughs while that was going on. That led to Artie talking about the Dice reality show because there was nothing real about it. He said they edited it kind of funny and it wasn't anything close to being what really happened.
Howard said Conan has no pressure at this point in his career. He should just stay where he is and have some fun. He said he can sit there and collect his paycheck. Andy had to leave and now he can't keep his sitcom going. That led to Artie talking about how his FOX deal is kind of done as far as sitcoms go. He said that the head of FOX is coming out to see him and they can talk about developing a late night talk show. He said that's kind of up in the air and his manager has come up with a pitch for the show but he's not sure what else he could do other than talk to people.
Howard said that all of these guys are full of shit. He said he knows that they're going to blow smoke up his ass and then have him do a test show. He said that's the kiss of death though and he shouldn't even bother. He said there's nothing to develop, there's no pilot, they should just put him on the air and let him see what he can do.
Artie said it would be tough to find a fat sidekick when he's as fat as he is. Robin told him he'd have to get the 750 pound man to be his sidekick. Artie said he could get that guy's sister. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said they had a couple of hot chicks coming in shortly. He and Robin talked about Imus a little more before they got the girls in there though. Robin said that Imus is still doing his show from the MSNBC studio even though they're no longer airing his show on there. They also talked about this charity fund raising thing Imus is doing today.
Howard said that every major TV show has been calling to get him on their show to talk about this Imus thing. Howard said he doesn't want to do any of the shows though. He said Good Morning America wanted him but he has no desire to do it. His agent thinks it's a good way to promote SIRIUS but Howard said it's not a good time for him. He'd rather wait until the two companies merge and then go out and do some promotion.
Howard played some audio of Bubba the Love Sponge being interviewed about the Imus thing. He was saying that this really isn't a big deal and it's just the ''wusification'' of this country. He thinks that Imus doesn't deserve all of this. Howard wondered what the fuck he was talking about and goofed on him about that a little bit. He said that Bubba is just being Bubba. He wondered if Bubba was still shaving his arms and stuff like that.
Howard told the guys to get him on Good Morning America right then. He said that he would like to get on and say that if Imus would like to make amends, his wife would have to blow him. He got back to the Bubba clips after that. Bubba was talking about how Imus didn't say anything racial and it really wasn't that big of a deal to him. He said that he doesn't like Imus but he really doesn't think that what he said is something he should be fired over. In another clip Bubba was saying that he offends all women equally and has called more white women ''hos'' than black women. Howard said he's never called women hos himself. He doesn't even like the word. Robin reminded him that they used to play that ''whores in this house'' song. Fred played a little bit of that and Howard said they only played that when there were some whores in the house.
Howard said Imus will not have a job in two weeks. He's positive of that. He said that CBS will have to get rid of him to save themselves from losing more sponsors. Benjy asked Howard if he could tell Imus how to save his career at this point. Howard thought about that for a second and said that Imus has done too much damage at this point so there is nothing left for him to do. He's too arrogant and he didn't consult any professionals before going on that ''shithead Al Sharpton'' show. He said that even Mel Gibson laughed at that apology on that show.
Howard said that he knows that Imus is toast because he knows the people at CBS and what kind of people they are. He's sure that they will get rid of him. He said he drove past Imus' apartment yesterday and there were six big bodyguard types over there. They were all white according to Ronnie who saw them. Howard heard that they have 12 of those guys outside of Imus' studio today. The guys heard that Al Sharpton will be protesting him again today as well.
Howard asked Imus (Fred) how he was doing today. Fred went into his impression and goofed on Imus for a couple of minutes. He was making fun of the dopey comments that Imus makes and that led to them goofing on Bernard as well since he's now claiming he's not a bigot either. Howard read a news story about that guy and how the party is over for him as well.
Howard said that these two chicks, Heather Vandeven and Justine Jolie stopped by. He said they were just stopping by to say hello but they were also willing to do anything for them. He was going to take a break first but they ended up talking more about Imus. JD came in and said that they have some guy in place of Imus this morning talking about why Imus isn't there. Howard wanted to hear the audio so he told JD to go pull that, he's not doing his job right. Howard told him he's paid a lot of money to watch TV. Fred was doing his impression of JD and playing his techno music the whole time he was in the studio. He also threw in some Napoleon Dynamite clips since JD sounds so much like that character.
Howard said he had a new phony phone call to play as they were going to break. A fan wrote in and told the guys about some guy who was selling his porno collection in the newspaper so Richard called him up and asked about them. The guy selling the stuff had to go out to his car to see what he had in the collection. Richard asked him for the titles of the movies so the guy rattled off the names and said he didn't know much about them. Richard was asking about the jizz on the girl's faces and the size of the penises on the covers. He said he collects video of curved penises. Richard had the guy describing the videos he had and getting very graphic. Richard made up some stuff that he likes watching like one movie where a guy got oral from a catfish. The guy said he might like to see something like that. The call kind of ends with the guy telling Richard he had to get going because he had customers coming in. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that Artie is going to lose his bet with Dominic. Artie said that's fine, the meal will be on him when they go to Il Molino. Howard said he went to a restaurant that Dominic goes to do he asked them if Dominic is as fat as ever. They told him that he is. He's back to eating tons of food and he's gotten fat again. Artie said they had switched roles there for a while and Dominic had gotten thin. Now they're actually both fat.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. She actually worked with Imus at one point in her career. She said she heard that they have a full security detail at his home, his studio and even a police car following his limo. Howard wondered what he was worried about, it was just a bunch of college basketball players that he had insulted. Fred went into his Imus impression and goofed on him for a short time. Howard told Lisa that he had seen the security guys outside of Imus' apartment building this morning.
Lisa said that they'll be talking to people who have worked with Imus. She has a sound engineer who used to work with Imus who was more than happy to call her back today. Lisa also said that she went down to watch Artie's breakfast being put together this morning and interviewed the guy who buttered his bagel. Artie said it was perfect this morning. Just the right amount of butter.
Lisa said that they have a story about a list of the unsexiest men in America and Artie came in at number 70 on that list while Imus is at number 6. Howard said he bets that the girls coming in will find Artie very sexy and won't be able to keep their hands off of him. Howard wondered who else was near Artie on that list. She didn't have that information though. Howard let her go and had the hot chicks come in.
Howard asked the girls what they were doing last night that kept them out so late. They were at a launch party for a web site called MyPleasurePet.com. The girls said that one of them gets really hot when she's in bed so the other girl had to push her off because it was too hot. Howard said he had a boner hearing that story.
Howard said that this Victoria Zdrock came on the show one time and offered to do this thing where she'd ask questions and if they got them right, she'd let them do stuff to her body. He wanted to know if the girls would be willing to do something like that. He asked the girls if they would ask questions, let them answer and let them to whatever they wanted. Artie said he'd like to fuck the two of them but they told him they couldn't do that there. Artie said he could take them somewhere else then. He'd like to fuck them and then have a ''sangwich.''
Howard said he had some questions himself and said he would give the girls plugs if he got any of their questions wrong. Howard had the girls ask him any question they wanted. The first question was about cryogenically freezing a brain but Howard wanted something else. The question was about how a worm hole is created. Howard had no idea. Fred said that you finger it, Benjy thought she was talking about a black hole. Howard asked for another question since that one was no good.
Howard was asked what it means to use Vastrika breath in Yoga. Howard said that it's meditation through breath. He was wrong so she said that it was quick breaths. Howard said he'd give them plugs but he wanted to see them cuddle like they did last night. Howard said he likes how they're getting this even though they didn't get the answer right.
The girls stripped down so Howard said that they were gorgeous and had great bodies. They cuddled up and showed the guys what they did when they were trying to get to sleep. Howard asked them if they get wet when they get into bed like that. They said they did but they really had to get some sleep to come on the show this morning.
Howard said that the girls are going to be at the Romantic Depot tonight signing copies of their DVD. He also gave Justine a plug for her web site JustinJolie.com and for both of them he plugged MyPleasurePet.com.
After that Howard said that Richard had something he wanted to do. Richard said he wanted to sniff their asses because he's wondering if their asses smell better than a regular woman. The girls had to ask him a question before he got the chance to do that though. Richard was asked what a Cleveland Steamer was. Richard said that it's where someone gets under a glass table and someone shits on the table above them. He said that the Boston steamer is when someone just shits on your chest.
Richard got it right so he got to sniff their asses like he wanted to. The girls didn't think that was much of a reward but that's what he wanted to do. Richard went over and took a sniff. He said it smells like persimmons and it was actually very fruity. Heather went down and sniffed Justine's ass and said it smelled like cocoa butter. Richard went down and sniffed too but she got creeped out when she felt his breath on her ass.
Artie just wanted to hug the girls for a minute. Justine didn't want to let him do it for a minute. Artie said he was getting a vibe from her that she hated him. He said he wanted to lay down and cuddle like they did but he didn't think that would happen. There was no room on the couch so Artie said he knows there's room at the presidential suite at the Four Seasons hotel.
Howard said that Artie is going to get a hug from the girls but they seemed kind of afraid of letting him even just hug them. Howard asked the girls ask Artie a drug related question. They didn't really have one to ask. Howard asked the girls about this movie that they're in together. They told Howard about a scene they do together and how one of them goes down on the other and how the other one licks hers. They said it's full on hard core stuff.
Howard heard that one of the girls had gone out with Spice Boy from Bubba's show so he talked to her about that. She told the story about how they had him show up in tight shorts and a cowboy hat which is a fetish she has. Howard wondered what guys actually get to screw these chicks. One of the girls told Howard about one guy she met at this Burning Man thing she went to. She said she finds attractive guys and just takes them home and bangs them. She said that she even took home one of the guys who works there who was known as the ''man with no tears'' but no one knew who it was. Gary said he knew who it was but he didn't want to say the guy's name.
Howard said that the girls are two of the hottest chicks he's ever seen so he wondered what kind of money they make. They talked a little bit about that and then Howard had them ask Artie a question so he could get his hug. The girls wanted him to get down to his tightie whiteys but he didn't want to do that. He said he would fuck the two of them right there if he could but he wasn't going to stand in his underwear. The girls said that they were just going to lay him down and cuddle a little bit. Artie said he didn't want to do that, he wanted to fuck these girls or at least touch them. He asked them if they would blow him. They were willing to sit on his knee and pretend that he was Santa. They said that they might rub him or something.
The girls asked Artie what the rank E4 in the Army means. Artie said he had no idea. He said that was a stupid question. The girls couldn't think of a good drug question. One of them thought of a question about how many milligrams of LSD were on blotter acid. That wasn't a good one so they asked another one about this white substance that people snort up their nose. Artie said cocaine and got it right so he got to go lay on the couch with the girls.
Howard said he would take off his pants if he were Artie. Artie didn't think he would. He got on the couch and the girls sat down with him. Artie said they felt and smelled so good. He said that the blonde was the hottest chick he had ever seen before. She told him that her name was Heather. Then they tickled him and he started laughing hysterically and started to cough. He said that the blonde's ass was amazing. She offered to sit on his face and went right in and did that. He started to lick her so she hopped off. She started to tickle him again after that. Artie asked if he could hang with her later. He said that he had Yankee tickets if she wanted to go to a game with him. She didn't sound so interested.
Artie said he wasn't able to get up because he had a boner and also told the girls that he was very ticklish. They started to tickle him some more so he was going to try and get up but said he couldn't. He said that the girls were so soft and womanly. He was feeling her side near her waist at the time.
Sal came in and said that he had a Twix bar that he wanted to put in one of the girl's asses so Artie could eat it out of there. Artie didn't want to do that. Howard called an end to it after that. He was going to end it but Doug Goodstein came in and asked if the girls would like to ride the Sybian together. They said they would do that so Howard said it would be a great way to end the segment. He gave them some plugs for the web sites he had already mentioned. Heather said she's got a personal site at HotelHeather.com as well.
Howard had the girls get on the Sybian. Artie told them that they blew Playboy chicks away as they were getting on the machine. Will came in and asked if they could spray them down with oil. Howard told him to get out of there and leave them alone. The girls figured out how to sit on the thing together and got ready to go. Gary started up the machine after the girls were already touching each other and making out. Justine said that Heather's nipples were very hard already. Gary turned up the speed of the Sybian and the girls started moaning, making out and talking.
One of the girls was rubbing the other's clit a little bit. Howard said they had a porno going in there. One of the girls was biting the other's nipple and begging her to do it more. Then one of the girls finished so Howard told Gary to turn it down. Howard asked Justine what was going on because she could barely walk. She had shaky legs. Both of them said that they came while on that thing. Justine said she thinks she finished before Heather did. Howard thanked them for that performance and gave them some more plugs for their stuff. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Imus show is funnier today than it's been in a long time. He's got the parents of kids from his Cancer Ranch calling in and telling him how great he is. He's also been coughing and saying that he's sick today.
Howard said there are some new articles about the Imus thing in the news. He said it all just keeps coming out more and more. He said some people are wondering why no one is asking him about the incident he saw where Imus said the N-word to a black woman at WNBC. That only came out on Larry King's show one time. No one else is asking him about it.
Howard said Imus has to be going nuts with his whole little empire crumbling. Robin said this is the first time she's ever wanted to listen to his radio show. She thinks it's funny that he's got the parents of kids from the cancer ranch calling in.
Howard mentioned the story that Robin got at the very end of the show yesterday about this guy Gary in the Morning who had gotten fired for having his callers call in and call themselves ''nappy headed hos.'' Howard said that was a lame thing to get fired for.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone to play his Gossip Game. He spent a minute talking about how terrestrial radio really needs him now and he could probably make a ton of money going back there. He could probably get part ownership in the radio stations if he went back. Howard and Mike talked about the Imus thing and Mike seems to think that this is worse than the Mel Gibson thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary really has to wear his mask when he's in the studio with hot chicks. Howard said that's true but the guys in the Howard TV room gave the girls a standing ovation after their appearance today. He said that it was that good and hot that they gave them a standing ovation. Howard said that there's no way anyone is going to pay attention to Gary's face on the screen with these girls. Even Robin was saying that the girls looked like angels when they were laying on the couch together.
Artie came back in so Howard told him about what had gone on with Heather during the break. Artie said that he got their manager's number. She was the one who exchanged numbers with him. Howard said she came running in to tell him to have Artie talk to her. Howard said if he doesn't go out with her, he's going to kick her in the nuts.
Artie was out in the hall talking to the manager but everything was on camera. Howard said he wanted to hear a replay of that. She was still there too so Howard had her come in. Her name is Lia. She said that she really did want to go out with him and she gave him her number the last time she was there. Artie wondered if she was looking to do this to get on the show or something. She didn't seem to be doing it just for that. She said he could have called her off the air and talked to her about that.
Artie asked Leah where she was from. She said she's from Washington state actually. Artie said she just looked very peaceful. He wondered what her angle was and why she wanted to go out with her. She said she likes guys who are big and she likes curly hair and that he makes her laugh. She also said she likes hair that's everywhere. She said she was also in the bed with the girls last night. She said that Heather was rubbing her back and took her shirt off so she could rub it for her.
Lia said that she and Heather have been friends for a couple of years now and if she wanted to do something with her, they probably would have done it by now. Howard mentioned Artie's heroin addiction so that led to Leah saying that she's kind of a sex addict but she hasn't had it in about a year and a half. Artie asked her how she got into the business of managing porn stars. She said she moved to Los Angeles and didn't know anyone so she started working as a personal assistant and that led to this job. Howard told her to save that for her date.
Howard asked Artie if he's going to call her. Artie said that he's very busy but he will call. Mike told Artie that he must be gay. That led to Artie saying there's a lot of pot calling the kettle black there. Mike shot back and said that he's not the one on PerezHilton.com where Perez is talking about how hot he is. Artie said that he's not the one who knows what's on PerezHilton.com...
Howard asked Leah about what she likes to do to guys. She said that she loves to give blow jobs and explained why she likes it so much. Artie said that he's already lied to her and told her that he's got a gig tonight. He said that he's actually got a date tonight with this chick from Philly. Howard told Artie to call her and put that date off for now. He told him to go out with this chick tonight and to out with the Philly chick some other time. Artie said he can't do that because it's a very definite thing.
Artie said he will definitely call this Leah chick. He said that he will probably be out in L.A. before she comes back to New York so he might give her a call first. Artie didn't get why she was so into him because she seemed so together. Howard checked out Lia's body and said that her dress was throwing him off a little bit. Her body was very good but the dress was a little off.
Artie said he told her he had a gig tonight in Philly but that's what happens when he likes a chick. He didn't want her to know he had a date tonight. Leah said she wanted to plug something and got in a plug for this musician she's managing now. His name is Mitchell Shaffer.
Gary asked Leah if she wanted to get into a bikini for Artie to show off her body. She said that she didn't want to do that because she missed her waxing appointment before she came out to New York so she didn't want them to see that. The guys were still trying to see her body but she wasn't revealing all that much. Howard called an end to the conversation. Artie told her that he was attracted to Leah and he lied to her because of that. Howard told Artie that he could go to lunch right now if he wanted to go out with her. He told Artie he could leave and not go to the meeting this morning. He also told Artie his date would probably be called off tonight because he said this chick was hotter than the Philly chick. Artie stuck around though.
Howard had Mike get into his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
There were a bunch of stories about Imus in the news that Robin quickly read through. She said there are a lot of people calling for Imus to be fired now and had some audio clips of some people calling for his firing. Howard said that this is going to lead to terrestrial radio getting even worse than it was already. He said that they're going to be hitting the delay button like mad there.
Gary said that Bill Maher threw in Howard's name in a conversation he was having about white racists who are doing radio. Howard said ''fuck him!'' and went off on him for a short time. He said Maher is a scumbag and doesn't know who is racist and who isn't. Howard played the audio clip where Maher mentioned him and he was defending Imus' comments. Maher said that Howard Stern's show is also kind of racist. That led to Howard saying that Maher had better not run into him ''...fuck face.'' Howard also added that Maher has a think for black chicks, he likes to fuck 'em and leave 'em. He said that at least he's not fucking over the black race every day like Maher is.
Robin read through some more news stories and said she had to get going to fly out to California to do her race this weekend. Howard was going to let her go but she went through a couple more stories before she took off. She said there are a lot of people racing against her. There are about 21 people in the race and they'll all be competing against each other. The race is on Saturday. She said the cars aren't that fast and she'll only be going 100-110 miles per hour. Howard told her to be safe out there. She said she'll say goodbye now just in case but she thinks she'll be back on Monday.
Howard said this kills Robin to leave when they're on the air. She said she won't even listen to the show when she leaves because it really does kill her. Artie joked that she doesn't have eye of the tiger anymore and won't even stay on the show until the end. Howard said he doesn't have eye of the tiger anymore either. Artie admitted he never did.
Howard and Artie talked more about Imus and how great it is that his show is falling apart the way it is. Howard said his own career is still going strong while Imus is falling apart with the whole terrestrial radio business. Howard brought up the whole satellite radio merger and how the NAB is the only bullshit that could stop that from happening.
Howard said he hopes that Robin doesn't die this weekend. That led to the guys talking about the race and wondering how safe it really is. They talked about that for a minute and then got right back to Imus. JD had a bunch of clips of the show that replaced Imus on MSNBC this morning. Howard played some of those clips and continued to goof on Imus and his crumbling career. Howard said Imus' wife is going to leave him when he gets fired. He said that he's really rough on the eyes and she's a young woman who must still have cravings for a man.
Howard and Artie spent a few minutes talking about his possible replacements. They threw Opie and Anthony's name in there so that led to Howard talking about their 0.0 rating in Las Vegas and how they're getting paid something like $6 million a piece to do that show. He said that's quite a payout for no results. They were also goofing on the Greaseman and his lame radio show. Howard said he was asked to get behind the Greaseman when he was on K-Rock but he refused to help out.
Robin called in from her car and said she wanted to make sure that they didn't get them fired from SIRIUS. She was the voice of reason in there and she's not there to keep them under control. Howard asked Robin to please not die this weekend. He said he'd have to take a week off if she did die. Robin sounded like she didn't want to get off the phone because she wanted to be part of the show. Howard let her go though and wished her luck in the race.
Artie said that he envy's Eric because he gets to go back to sleep. Howard and Artie talked about that for a minute and then Artie was talking about how he's afraid that he's going to ruin this Leah chick's life if he starts dating her. He said she's got a great life now but he can see her making him a sandwich while he's watching games on TV.
Jon Hein was in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stories that they'd be covering on the show today. Jon mentioned Heather and Justine who came in and rode the Sybian. They'll also talk more about Imus. Jon said they'll also talk about Artie and Gary's trip to Boston. They'll also talk about the notes Howard and Artie exchanged as well. Robin leaving early will also be discussed.
Howard asked the guys if they had anything else to plug. Artie got in a plug for a show he's doing in Miami on May 4th at the Jackie Gleason theater. He said his movie ''Beer League'' is also on On Demand now so everyone should check that out. Howard ended the show a short time later, around 10:30am.
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Howard started off the show saying he had some show today. They have Chuck Norris coming in to promote his book about Zen. He said he's going to tell Chuck there is no such thing as Zen. He'll also be talking to him about his 18 year old girlfriend. Robin said that Chuck has some 'secret pain' in his life so Howard figured it was the constant boner he has with that 18 year old.
Howard mentioned that Kenneth Keith and his date will be in today. He apparently lost it in the restaurant last night so Gary and Doug had to wrestle him to the ground. Robin said she's surprised he went through with the date at all. Howard said next week he's going to have a major announcement next week. Robin said she's tired of these announcements and she's not sure what he's doing. Howard said that it's a big deal for him and joked that it was book number 3. Robin told him that she'd crack his knuckles if he did that again. He promised her that he wasn't going to do that.
Howard said that Joey and Markie Ramone are coming in to talk about The Ramones upcoming break up. They've threatened this before but this time they claim it's for real. Howard said people say he looks kind of like Joey Ramone but he thinks that he looks a little better than him. Sometimes you can see that they do look a little bit alike though. Howard also thinks that he's built a little better than Joey so maybe they'll have a pose down today on the show. Howard said Joey looks a bit like a tripod and he never sees any sunlight. Howard admits that he doesn't see much himself but it's more than Joey.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was sorry about the Sam Kinison death. He also asked Howard what it was like when he introduced Sam to his mother when Sam was wasted. Howard said his mother was clueless about that stuff and wouldn't know if anyone was wasted. He said that he used to take drugs himself and his mother didn't have any idea. He said he used to take quaaludes and stuff and he and his friend would sit in the back yard and sleep on the chaise lounges. His mother had no idea they were wasted.
Howard said he remembered another time when he was high at his sister's wedding. He said his mother had made him cut his hair for the wedding and he was getting high the whole weekend because he was so gawky. He said he went out and got wasted and came back to the wedding. His mother asked him to dance with her so he did that. She told him that his cousin stunk from pot so he played along with that and told her that it was disgusting. He figured someone told her that his cousin was stinky and she had no idea that he was high too. He said there was no more fun in his life than being smashed out of his mind on sedatives in the back yard of his parent's house.
Howard said that if you take two ludes there's not much chance of you not falling asleep. He told some more stories about the girls he used to bang when he was high. He said he had one girl who was uglier than Whoopi Goldberg and how he got nauseous after banging the chick.
Howard said that woman calls him and she's threatening to sue him. Robin said it just happened yesterday and now she's threatening to sue. She wondered what law Howard had broken that would allow the woman to sue him. Howard said she's just a coward and there's no chance of her arguing with him. He said she's nothing but negative and no match for his quick wit.
Howard called for a debate from those two. He said he'd like to have both of them in the studio to do that but he's sure she won't accept. He had to go to break after that.
The two of them were talking about various things and Ken was acting kind of odd. Howard said he never tires of that guy. Gary said that they had a lot of pauses during their discussions and they'd think something was wrong until they started talking again.
Howard asked Robin if he had this story right because his reading comprehension isn't all that great. He read this story about Jerry Seinfeld and his young girlfriend Shoshona Lonstein. They talk about the pre-nup that her parents are looking for Jerry to sign. Howard didn't think the story was right. Jackie tried to say something but his microphone hadn't worked for two days so Howard complained about that for a short time. He said he hears other radio stations where you can hear the guests no problem. It's not like that there though.
Howard and Robin got back to the discussion about the Jerry Seinfeld story. They spent a couple of minutes on that and Howard figured out that his reading comprehension was just fine for that story.
Howard read an article about Imus and his awful show getting canceled from the Rochester, NY market. He did an impression of him and then said that Imus should go back to doing cocaine and maybe he'd be funny. It seemed to work for Kinison according to Howard. Howard was goofing on him about the ''I-Man'' name he's been given. Gary then came in and interrupted asking if he wanted Kenneth Keith in there. Howard told him to let him finish his Imus rap first. Gary apologized and said he'd forgotten.
Howard said that they claim that Imus was near the top of the ratings in that article. He said the guy doesn't have his facts straight because Imus isn't near the top of the ratings in any market. He said reporters just report stuff that isn't true. He continued to read the article and a guy from the radio station claimed that he had a couple hundred calls from fans who were upset. Howard said Imus had a 1.5 rating there and they have an error of + or - 1 point so it's possible that he only had a .5 rating.
Howard said that if any market wants the Imus show, all they have to do is ask for it because they will give it away for free to get him on in any possible market they can get him into. He and the guys continued to goof on Imus doing impressions of him and making fun of the fact that he had been canceled in that market. Howard said that Imus is supposed to be ''the thinking man's shock jock.'' He laughed at that. He also wondered how the press gets duped into thinking that guy has any ratings.
Howard said he had to go to break after that but Gary came in and said that Chuck Norris had just showed up so they might have to get to him first. Howard said he'd get to Chuck first to talk about his new book. He said that he doesn't believe that Chuck believes in this Zen stuff he wrote about. He said the book is good and he figures Chuck wrote it but he doesn't believe he's really into it. He figures that Chuck is spiritual because he's got a 20 year old girlfriend and he's never been happier in his life. Howard said Chuck was angry in his first marriage and that's when he was kicking everyone's ass. He went to break after that.
Howard talked about the karate classes he took and how hard it was to get his belts. He said he would practice every day driving his hand into the sand to perfect his move to kill a man. He said he could take his hand and pile it into him and knock the wind out of him, killing him over a two day period. Chuck said that's known as the ''touch of death.'' Howard said he also has very long legs and he could beat someone's face from feet away. He said that would be humiliating to do that to a man like Chuck.
Howard noticed the ring that Monica had on her finger so he asked Chuck if it was like $100,000. Chuck said it was and also told Howard that they're getting married in about 6 months. Howard said he'll have to throw Chuck another bachelor party before that happens.
Howard was talking to Chuck about how tough it is for him to walk down the street when he doesn't have the physical prowess that Chuck has. Chuck said he believes that he does have that prowess though. Chuck told Howard that he remembers that Kenneth Keith guy because he was at a show he was on one time and saw him trying to eat his hair after cutting it off. He also tried to blow smoke out of his eye one time and ended up turning bright red as he tried to blow it out. Howard told him that Kenneth wanted to blow smoke out of his eye today for him. He told the guys to bring Ken in there to see Chuck.
Kenneth Keith came in and asked Chuck what's up. Howard asked him if he wanted to blow the smoke but Ken didn't have a cigarette. Howard wondered if Chuck could teach something to Kenneth about this Zen stuff. Chuck said that Ken might not be able to learn anything but he was just joking around. He said that pretty much anyone could learn this stuff. He said it's just a form of meditation. Howard said that the first step is to meet a blonde about 1/3rd your age and take it from there.
Howard asked Kenneth if he could focus on anything and if he has any goals. Ken said that it's to be rich and famous of course. Gary came in and said that Ken was talking about getting an agent to help him out with his career. Howard didn't think that was something that would help him out with his Zen. He told Gary to get Ken out of there after that.
Howard asked Chuck about the wedding and if they got a pre-nup written up. Chuck said they took Howard's advice and had one written up so they're all set. Howard figured that Monica would end up with the clothes she had on her back today and that was it. That led to them talking about their upcoming honeymoon and what they're going to do with that. Howard said he would get kind of nervous walking around with such a hot chick on some cruise like they were planning to do. Chuck said that stuff doesn't bother him at all.
Howard asked Monica if she was going to be nude sun bathing. Chuck said that this island they're going to is a nude island so they will both be nude. Howard said he must have a huge hose if he's willing to do that. Chuck told a story about how he had confused an American Indian word for Wolf which was actually the word for ''well hung'' one time. He said that he's known as ''well hung'' on the set of his TV show now because of that.
Howard asked if Chuck has ever walked on a nude beach and had people staring at him. He said he's never done anything like that before so he's not sure what will happen. Howard told Monica that he's never been with a woman as beautiful as her. He dated a lot of ''triple baggers'' in his time.
Howard had a guy on the phone who claims that he was paralyzed one time and after reading Chuck's book he was able to get back to walking. He told Howard that he was in this car accident that paralyzed him from the waist down. He said he wrote to Chuck after that and Chuck basically told him to get off his ass and do something and not feel sorry for himself. Howard let that caller go a short time later. Howard was claiming that he does nice things too and hung up on him.
Howard asked Chuck if that guy had found his own inner Zen. Chuck said he thinks that's what it was. He went on to tell Howard another story about this guy who taught him about this Zen thing and about his ''inner eye.'' He said the guy showed him that he could see this light inside this inner eye and Chuck ended up kneeling there for five hours without even realizing that he was there that long. That led to him studying this Zen thing. Howard wrapped up with Chuck a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that this girl Maureen was a knock out so her wanting to go on this date was a real surprise. He checked her out when she came in and said he was trying to find some flaws but wasn't able to. He talked about how she was complaining about Ken's teeth and stuff when she met him yesterday. Howard said she has a great face and looks like she could be Amy Lynn's sister. He heard that she owns horses and stuff so she must have some money to be able to afford that.
Howard brought up Ken's teeth again and Kenneth said that she's got a big mole on her face. He claimed that Gary told him to say that but Gary said he didn't see a mole on her face at all. Ken said he was just kidding and he really likes her a lot. He said she doesn't want to go out on another date with him. She said that he kind of frightened her on the date.
Howard wanted to go over their whole date so he talked about the restaurant they went to and played some audio clips from the date. In the first clip Ken was talking about wanting to sniff Maureen's panties and it was obvious that he was doing that for the camera. Maureen said that Ken has awful social skills and he doesn't have all that much to talk about. She said that the conversations would just die when she brought up subjects. She thinks that he was more concerned about performing for the camera. Ken said he can't be himself in front of the camera.
Howard played another clip where Maureen was asking Ken what he likes to do for fun. Ken told her that he likes to go out to see bands and stuff but he didn't add much to the conversation other than that. He did say he used to collect milk bottles though. Maureen said she likes to ride her horses and stuff while Ken was talking about digging up milk bottles from the woods. Howard asked him about that and why he would do something like that. Ken said he did that because they stopped making those bottles.
In another clip Gary explained that Ken paused during their conversation for about 25 seconds. Gary said he wasn't able to order food correctly. He ordered hot and spicy food and then complained about it to the waitress even though it was described as hot and spicy. Howard told Maureen that if she was his daughter, he would have to kill her before he'd let her go on a date with Kenneth Keith. He said it would be a mercy kill.
Maureen said that she was still fascinated with Ken and still had some kind of feelings for him. Howard said when she tried to leave the date yesterday, Ken wouldn't take no for an answer. Kenneth said that she wouldn't give him her name and phone number so he stood outside of her hotel waiting for her to walk by instead. He said he was there for 3 hours standing there like a mental patient.
Howard said Doug Goodstein was there and saw Ken making all kinds of weird body movements so Maureen got scared and walked away. Doug came in and said that Ken had a glare in his eye that was really, really scary. Maureen said it was like taking a bone away from a dog or something. Doug said Ken wanted to go to the airport with her and to go back to her hotel with her. Ken said that he tried calling her at the hotel but he wasn't able to get a hold of her because she had given him a fake name that was similar to others.
Doug said that he was thinking about trying to hook up with this chick but Maureen said she didn't even notice him. Howard couldn't believe that Maureen was really into Kenneth Keith but it seemed like she really was. Maureen said that she was still thinking about going out with Ken again but she's not sure she'd be safe after what happened yesterday. Howard asked Ken if he's a dangerous guy. Kenneth said he's never done anything wrong but the guys thought that he had but didn't say exactly what they were talking about.
Maureen said that she really didn't feel safe going out with Ken today. Ken said that he's not a mental patient, she's the mental patient. She said that she got his messages at the hotel but she really didn't feel last night so she was ready to go to bed. She said he really wanted to go out again but she was feeling ill so she wanted to go to bed.
Howard told Ken that this girl is the closest he's going to get to a normal chick. Ken tried talking to her again but he didn't have all that much to say to her. He told her that he's really a normal guy and she should go out with him. He said he'd be cool today but didn't have much else to say to her. At one point Howard had Ken dancing for Maureen to show her his moves. Ken was putting her crotch in her face so that was kind of scary. Howard put a stop to that and asked Maureen if she would go on a date with him or not. She said that she would consider it. Ken said he'd be normal over and over again.
Gary told Ken to act the way he did before he got on the show. Ken said he thinks he's too normal, that's what the problem really is. He said he went out to eat with Melrose Larry Green yesterday and he thinks that guy is a wacko. Howard said that maybe Ken and Maureen can talk about this stuff out in the hall and figure it all out. Maureen said she knows that he plays this stuff up for the camera but when he is himself, she thinks that he's not that interesting. She said he doesn't have any middle ground, he's really boring off camera. He was also chewing his food with his mouth open and letting the food drop on the table while the camera was on him. She said that kind of turned her off.
Howard let the two of them go off to talk about this whole thing. Ken said he'd go to the bathroom in the hallway if that's what Maureen wanted him to do. Howard told him to go ahead and do that but then told him not to actually do it. Ken and Maureen left after that.
Howard said that they got OJ's phone number accidentally when Larry Ratso Slomin overheard some guy giving out the number at the airport. He wrote it down and gave it to them so they tried calling. They go through but they weren't able to get OJ on the phone. They decided to try calling him again on the air. Gary dialed the number and Howard told him what to say when someone picked up the phone.
Gary called and got OJ on the phone but OJ told him he was asleep and couldn't talk. Howard said he can't be asleep, he answered the phone. Howard then went on to goof on OJ about the double murders and all of that. He and Fred created a conversation using clips of OJ from a previous appearance on the show and goofed around with that for a short time. They went to break a short time later.
Joey came in and Howard said that he could never figure out their financial situation. Markie said that they're very comfortable and they're not living out on the street. Joey said that they're fuckin loaded. Howard told him not to use the F-word because he'd have to bleep it. Joey said that he's ready for the abuse on the show this morning. Howard told him he wasn't going to abuse anyone. He spent a short time talking to Joey and had to ask him to stop using the F-word this morning. He had cursed for the second time already and they were only in for a couple of minutes.
Howard asked Joey if he gets a lot of people saying he looks like Howard Stern. Joey said they get that all the time and even Markie gets it. Robin noticed that Joey has stopped dying his hair that jet black color he used to. He said he doesn't do that anymore and just lets it grow the natural color. Howard was trying to figure out if either Joey or Markie have good physiques but he couldn't tell.
Howard asked the guys if they ever get asked to keep their clothes on when they're by the pool at a hotel. They said they get asked to wear hair nets because their hair is so long. Joey was telling Howard that he's been sober for 7 years now. Joey said he never had to go to rehab but Markie did. Markie said he went to a couple of different rahabs and has been off the sauce for about 12 years now.
Howard said he had to play this old tape of Joey calling Gary and leaving a message while he was drunk. Joey was really out of it and said ''Welcome to my nightmare...'' and asked to speak to ''St...eahhh'' which was supposed to be Stern. Howard said that Joey is the definitive rock star and he wrote the book on all of that.
Howard asked Joey if he's really upset about bands like Green Day because they're doing so well. Both Joey and Markie said that they're not bitter, but they are going to retire. They get no support from the radio industry so they have nowhere to go from where they're at now.
Howard said he thinks that the guys are upset because they started something and they get no respect. He said he can hear it in their voices that they're upset about this stuff. Joey said that Howard is an originator and he should know how they feel. Joey claimed that he was going to get himself a radio program like Howard has. He was just joking and said that he's going to open up a club in the city and continue to do music as well. Howard figured the guys would do a comeback tour eventually. They claimed that this was it and they would not be coming back.
Joey said that he heard that the guys in Green Day had actually named their kids after them. One of the kids was Joey and the other was Ramona. Howard interrupted and asked who the hot chick was that was with them out in the green room. He had Gary bring in the girls and Gary said he had to meet Kim. Howard said she was his type and found out she's with the record company.
Howard asked Joey and Markie if they were banging that chick. They weren't so Howard told them that they should be, they're rock stars. He talked to Kim a little bit and said that she's got a great body. He told her she had great hair and checked out her boots. She told him that she's 30 years old so Howard said he anted some of that. Howard asked Joey if he ever goes after chicks like that. Joey started to say he doesn't talk about that stuff but then said ''Yeah...'' He hadn't tried with her though. He said it did make him proud to be on the record label they were on though.
Howard asked Kim what kind of money she makes doing that job. She said she didn't want to say and have everyone knowing what she makes. Howard said that he'd be right on top of her if he were either of those two guys. Howard asked Kim if he could give her a kiss before she left. She said ''absolutely'' and went over for her kiss. Howard kissed her and Robin said ''Wow! Look at that!'' as he was doing it. Howard asked if he was a good kisser. She told him that he's got great lips. Howard said she tried to tongue him but he closed his mouth. Howard said that was really nice and he can't believe that Joey and Markie don't do that. Howard said that maybe the drugs that Markie and Joey did left them limp.
Howard said that he loves The Ramones and thinks that Joey is underrated as a singer. He played some of their CD. Markie told Howard that he should watch out for Kim's canker sore. He was just joking around though. Howard was afraid he had seen something that he didn't. Howard played one of The Ramones songs and said that Joey's voice is great. He sounded great and so did the band according to Howard. They told Howard that they were going to be on Letterman performing that song. Howard said that's one of his favorites off the new album.
Markie said that he wanted to announce that his new band was going to be called Markie and the Intruders. They spent a minute on that but Joey kept making reference to Howard's OCD so Howard thought that maybe he had it as well. Joey said he didn't want to talk about it. Markie said he'd seen Joey doing some of that stuff so Joey went off on him for bringing that crap up. Howard said he had OCD but he got rid of it. He never admitted he had it because it was embarrassing to him. Joey said that he doesn't have it that bad but Howard told him he could get rid of it completely if he just read this book he read.
Howard asked Joey and Markie about the OCD some more and Markie revealed what he knew about it. Joey didn't want him talking about it but they kept going for a few minutes. Howard got them back on the retirement subject and spent a little time talking to them about what they're going to do now. They have plans to do all kinds of stuff. They don't think they can go much further with the band at this point so it's time to call an end to it.
Howard said that one of their interns, Richard, had gotten into a fight with Joey at some club one night. Richard came in and explained that he was drunk that night and he was just joking around. They spent a short time on that and Howard said he had to wrap up the interview. He said he's not sure why, but these guys are retiring. He wished them luck and went to break a short time later.
Richard refused to bad mouth Pearl Jam but stuttering John came in and said that he really doesn't like that band or any bands like that. John was also saying that Richard had said that The Ramones were washed up at this point. Howard said that even the Ramones are saying that so it's not that bit of a deal. Ralph came in and told Howard about some of the other things that Richard was saying about The Ramones.
stuttering john said Richard gets upset about the stuff he says when he's drunk but that doesn't stop him from doing it. He keeps drinking and insulting people. Howard let Richard go and called him Mr. Vedder when he was walking out.
Howard said he's been getting dizzy and sleepy at this time of the show every day because of his dieting. He said he can barely stay awake now. Robin said she wanted to ask Richard a question about where he's living now because she heard that he had broken up with his girlfriend and was living with Stuttering John.
Howard asked Robin to start her news after that. She started as Fred was playing her theme music. She read through a bunch of stories as Howard tried to stay awake.
Gary got an answering machine so he left a message telling OJ that they would like to invite him on the air and he could give out his 800 number if he wanted to. Howard had him tell OJ that he could have a date with Robin as long as he didn't cut her head off. Gary left their phone number off the air.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about OJ and what they should have said to get him on the show. Howard said Gary should have invited him to go play golf with him or something. That might have worked better. Howard said he could have spoken to OJ as if he were on his side in the whole murder thing. He said he could have talked to him about how he didn't think he'd ever do it again and he knows that things must have been tough with that white woman giving him a hard time.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. A short time later Howard was asking Robin to test out her acting but she wasn't getting into it and didn't want to take direction from him. Howard told her he could teach her but if she didn't want to listen, he couldn't help. Howard demonstrated how sad he could be by thinking of something really sad and then reciting ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' to her. He did that but Robin just laughed the whole time. Howard told her to go row her boat herself when he tried doing it again. He wrapped up the show a short time later, around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).