Howard started off the show talking about how just a few days ago it was October and also that they had turned the clocks back this past weekend. Robin said that we had gone a week longer than usual for the time change. Howard said he likes that they went longer and he wondered whose idea that was. Robin said it was Congress who passed that. Howard said he liked it. Robin said that she likes that she gets that hour back when the clocks change.
Howard said that he woke up this morning wondering how Jerry Seinfeld's movie ''Bee Movie'' did over the weekend. He was hoping it failed but it made $39 million. Robin said she was trying to figure out how to make it a failure but she wasn't able to come up with anything. She said she was mad at Jerry because she heard him as the Bee character doing a McDonald's commercial. Artie said that it's not a voice, it's just Jerry speaking.
Artie said he likes that the ''American Gangster'' did so well and made even more than the Bee Movie. That led to the guys talking about the character that movie was based on and he's out of jail now and walking around like a big celebrity.
Howard wasn't sure who they were talking about exactly so Robin and Artie filled him in a little bit. Gary came in and wanted to give Howard some information but he didn't want anything spoiled before he actually sees the movie. That movie was number one at the theaters over the weekend.
Howard wondered who had directed it and the guys let him know that it was Ridley Scott. Howard said he actually met Ridley at a restaurant one night. He said he ran into Ron Howard and he introduced him to Ridley Scott that night. They were working on this ''American Gangster'' movie at the time.
Artie thought Howard had auditioned for Ridley Scott one time but Howard told him that it was actually Renne Harlan who had a horrible career at directing movies here in the States. Howard said the guy was an asshole anyway. He was on his phone the whole time he was in for the audition.
Howard said the movie he auditioned for, that Dice Clay movie ''Ford Fairlane,'' turned out to be a piece of shit anyway. He said he likes Dice but that movie might be one of the worst movies ever made.
Artie said he has an audition today. He has a new agent now and they called him up to audition for a part in a Jennifer Aniston movie. He said he'd be the third lead in the movie but the auditioning is so awkward and he hates them. He said he hates that move of not having the guy look at him. He said it's really arrogant. Howard said that he should take his attitude and just tell them that if they want him, they have to just take him without the audition.
Robin went over to Artie's apartment for a drink with him before they went back to Manhattan for the play. Howard thought that was kind of odd. He said that they shouldn't have gone over to New Jersey before going back to New York. He told Artie that you don't do that before you go to a play unless you're trying to get laid. Artie said his mom and sister also came so it wasn't like that.
Robin enjoyed the view from Artie's apartment which is pretty amazing. Artie said that they went down to the restaurant after Robin showed up. His mother came to dinner as well but his sister was working in the city so she met them there.
Artie said that they saw ''A Bronx Tale'' and he really enjoyed it just by what Chaz Palmentari was doing physically. He played all of the parts in the play and Robin said it was amazing. Howard said he doesn't like that kind of stuff. He also wondered if he was handling the lighting as well. Artie joked that he had filled his chair during a bathroom break.
Robin said that they went to this restaurant in Artie's building, called Lua, and it was very good. Artie said that the place is fantastic. Robin said she told someone about going there and the person told her ''of course Artie would have a restaurant in his building...''
Robin said it was kind of funny that Artie didn't know how to open a bottle of wine. Artie said his neighbors had given him a bottle as a gift one time and he was lucky he had that in there. He went over to open it and he wasn't quite sure how to do that. He didn't bother peeling off the stuff on the bottle so the cork ended up going into the bottle.
Howard said that it seems like they had a nice night together. They both said that it was a good time. Robin said that she learned one of Artie's tricks for his diet. He drinks water right up until he gets his meal, then he orders his soda. Artie said that he used to drink like 7 sodas before his meal, now it's just one during the meal. Howard was surprised that he does that.
Artie said that he and Robin had to run up to the play to get in there on time. They won't let people get in if they show up late so the made it at the last second. Then they saw a couple come in about 5 minutes into the show and get seated so they got kind of pissed about that.
Howard said he watched the New England game as well and talked about how good looking the quarterback is on that team. He said he asked Beth if she thinks he's hot and she told him that he's ''really hot'' to her. The guys spent a few minutes on the football stuff. They talked about the stuff that went on during the games and Howard was saying that the guys who are amazing are the guys who come up with the point spreads. He said that they're so right on with the spreads that it gets people betting like crazy. He said that they're geniuses.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he was reading in the Daily News last week that Imus is going to be bigger than he ever has when he starts on WABC there in New York. Howard said that David Hinckley is a good guy but he seems to be a little misguided. He said that Imus isn't going to be big and he never was. He said someone else wrote an article about Imus where the guy said that the bottom line is that Imus is boring and his show is unlistenable.
Howard said that he doesn't get why they're ditching the two guys who are on that station now, who are getting good ratings, to put Imus on. He and Robin also talked about how it looks like Imus has had some work done on his face since he lost his job at WFAN. Howard thanked Bobo for the call and let him go.
Howard said that some people were taking Sal and Richard's side in the fight. One guy said that Artie could be replaced much easier than Sal and Richard. There were some people saying the opposite and that Sal and Richard should be fired. There was one guy who thought that using JD as their spokesman was a great idea.
Howard said that he got some calls from some people in the industry who told him that the whole show on Thursday was great. There was an e-mail from someone who said that the fight seemed to be bullshit and it was all set up for the show. Howard said that this guy has figured it all out and he should be a lawyer. He said that sarcastically.
Howard read some mail about the Miss Howard Stern reality show. The one he read said that the show was great. There was some mail about Cousin Brucie's interview as well. Some fans enjoyed that interview and let him know.
Howard read one e-mail about Lisa G being a cutie pie and talked about what a great person she is on the show. The writer had googled her and saw that she was very attractive.
Howard said that Sean Hannity hopped on that bandwagon and came out against Halloween. Robin said that these guys must go someplace to get their talking points because they all come out at the same time. Howard played a clip of Hannity talking about how the holiday is like teaching the kids to become liberal.
Richard came in to defend Halloween and said that the Churches are the places that scare kids even more than the scary Halloween stuff. He said that they show all kinds of pictures of people dying of AIDS and stuff like that. He went to one of these things one time and at the end of the tour they had a guy hanging from a cross like Jesus and it scared the shit out of some people.
Howard said that Richard was getting blasted by the guys on Miserable Men last night. He played some of the clips where they were going off on Richard because he had asked for some more money. Shuli was saying that it was an issue with Richard that was making them sick of doing these big Killers of Comedy Shows. Shuli said that Richard has been complaining about the hotels, the money and other things.
Richard said that Bob flipped out on him over the weekend at the show they did. He said he didn't know about Bob being upset with him until later on. Shuli said that Richard wanted some extra money for doing two shows that night because he wasn't told that he was doing two shows. Bob and Shuli talked about how Richard has to give them a break, everyone else is getting paid and they have to pay taxes just like Richard does.
Howard wondered why they work with Richard then. He said that Richard is a draw for some reason and they feel they need him but if they don't, then don't put him on the bill. Richard said that Bob didn't ask him about doing the second show and he wasn't sure why he didn't get the same pay that he got for the first show. He said he thought that both shows were sold out but that apparently wasn't the case.
Howard said that maybe Richard should go out and do something with someone else. Richard said he's doing one in December. He thinks he's still doing it unless it's not okay with Artie. Artie said he doesn't want to work with Richard so he wants him to cancel. Artie said he'll pay him for the gig, he just doesn't want him to show up. Richard said he won't do that. Richard said he guesses he won't be in Cleveland then.
Richard said he doesn't want to argue with Bob and Shuli about that stuff either. He said that he and Sal have to take off Friday once in a while to do these shows and they don't want to lose money on that. Howard played another clip where Shuli was talking about Richard asking for more money when he's making a lot more than the other comedians are making after being in the business for a lot longer. Shuli was also saying that Bob had to get him his money the next day and he was fine with that as well.
Howard said that Shuli is saying that he loves what he's doing but meanwhile no one actually loves doing it. Richard said he loves doing comedy as well and he gets up on stage and has a great time. He said that he and Shuli go to Caroline's on Tuesday nights to work on material. He said that he just wants to get a little bit of money to do the shows and if they don't want to pay it, he won't do the shows.
Howard didn't know that Sal and Richard were taking time off on Fridays and he didn't like the idea of that. Richard said that they get some days off during the year and those are the days they take, they're not taking time off that they're not supposed to get. Howard said he was fine with that then.
Howard said that it shouldn't matter if Richard likes doing the job and his pay there shouldn't matter either. Richard said that Shuli even comes up to him and tells him he does good on those comedy shows. He's not sure what the problem is. He apologized for asking those guys about the money over the weekend.
Richard said that he and Sal slept at a fan's house instead of at a hotel when they were out doing this comedy thing. He said it wasn't a big problem and he's not sure why it was a big problem that he asked about getting a hotel room.
Richard said that next year he's going to work on his own comedy thing and not work with them on these shows anymore. He said he wants to just do local shows by himself instead. He said he hates that he upset those guys because they're his good friends.
Artie was staying quite throughout this whole thing until Howard asked him if it was tough to do so. Artie said it really is tough to stay quiet and then went off on Richard for talking behind people's backs. That led to Richard saying that he's not talking to Jason now because of all of that. He said that there are no facts that he spoke behind Artie's back about anything. He said that he swears that he doesn't talk behind people's backs.
Jason came in and said that Richard did talk about Artie behind his back but he's sorry he brought it up on the air. Richard didn't remember the conversation but Jason didn't want to go there again. Jason said that he knows that Richard was just venting and he's sorry that he brought it up on the air.
Richard said he was upset about some stuff that Artie had said about him at the roast. He said that Artie knew about that already though. Howard cut them off before they went too far with this whole thing.
Shuli was on the phone so Howard asked him about some of the stuff he said on Miserable Men last night. He wondered why it matters what kind of money Richard is making at the radio show and why it matters if he likes doing comedy or not. Shuli said that he has to work with Richard and he does some stuff that's really annoying. He said that they did a comedy show up in Canada and asked the promoter for him to cover his roaming charges on his cell phone. Richard didn't remember doing that either.
Shuli said that the tour is losing money because they're not paying huge money to rent out some of these places they play. Richard said that they sold out the first show Friday night. Shuli said that they sold out the first one but not the second. Shuli said that he saw Richard working his way around the room trying to find out if that show was sold out. Howard said he now sees what they were talking about because Richard seemed to be going around the room trying to find someone on his side in the whole thing.
Richard said he didn't remember going to Yucko about that subject. Shuli told him that he might want to wait until after the shows to complain about stuff like that. It puts people in a bad mood when he does it before the show. Shuli was also talking about how Richard is making better money than most comedians who have only been doing this for 2 or 3 years. Howard said that's bullshit though because he's getting paid what he can get paid to do these shows.
Artie said that these guys all have a problem that won't go away. They all need each other. He said that Sal and Richard get the plugs on the show but can't do 45 minutes at the show. The comedians can't get the plugs on the show, but they can do 45 minutes. Artie said that they're not going to find a happy ground to settle on because of that. He said that Richard shouldn't be asking for a breakdown on the kind of money that they're making with the show if he's just on the bill.
Howard said that Bob Levy is running the show and Richard shouldn't care what the breakdown is if he knows what he's going to be paid before the show. Artie told him that he should tell Bob ''no'' before the show if he doesn't want to do it.
Artie said that Shuli should know that he knows people who can do 3 hours of material, but they're not a draw. Richard and Sal are a draw for the shows and they have to find a happy ground that they can agree on. Richard said he didn't know that Shuli was making less money than him either. He said he didn't know that until after he heard Miserable Men last night.
Howard took some calls and one guy said he's tired of hearing this stuff and people like Shuli should shut the fuck up. He said that some people raise up quicker in the ranks than others do. Jessica Hahn also called in and said that Shuli was just hired there to do the news and he's making it seem like he's some huge comedian. Shuli shot back at her with a comment about spreading his pussy lips for Penthouse or something.
Artie said he thinks that Sal and Richard should come up with their own show and go out and do that instead. He said that maybe they could do the ball licking stuff or something like that in their act. Richard said he did see Steve-O do a show one time and he just went up and did some of his crazy stunts on stage. Howard said he wouldn't have a problem with them doing stuff like that. He said he thinks that they could make some good money doing this stuff.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why these guys want to be comedians when they do such great things on the show already. Howard said the fans like to see them out making appearances and stuff and it brings them a few extra bucks. Howard said that Tim Sabean came to him and said that it seems like they may be turning into something where they turn on each other over the next few years.
Artie said he knows that he's in a bad way because he has such ill feelings toward a couple of people there and it won't go away. Howard said he was kind of getting annoyed with the show and everyone getting along. He said they do need to throw some water on this hot situation and put a stop to it.
Artie said that Jason telling him about Richard talking about him behind his back was great for him because he had this look of glee on his face as he was doing it. Howard got sidetracked and said it looked like Artie had dyed his hair over the weekend. It turns out that he just shaved.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked Artie how many times he's actually gotten as angry as he did at Sal last week. Artie said it's only been maybe 2 or 3 times in his life. Dominic asked if he carried any of his anger from the roasts into that thing last week. Artie said that he really doesn't do that. He blasted Sal himself so they all get it in the end.
Artie said that last week he thinks he saw the real Sal and that's what made him snap. He said that Sal said some things that he'll never get out of his head and he knows that they're talking about him behind his back too so that's what got him boiling. Now he doesn't want to hang around those guys. Dominic said that Sal also has some anger built up inside of him and he showed that during the times when he was going off on Artie.
Artie said that the stuff that comes up during the roasts is stuff that just means the gloves are off. He said that it came to a complete head last week when he snapped on Sal. Howard said that he's kind of upset that he had the guys go in that direction last week. He said that if he could just cage everyone in their own little areas, maybe everyone would be happier. He wished Richard luck with all of his stuff. Richard said that time heals everything but Howard told him that's not really the case with everything. He said that there are some things that people never get over.
Howard said that they have two guys from ''Entourage'' coming in today. Kevin and Adrian will be in. Robin got all excited over Adrian coming in. She's apparently a big fan of his. She
Howard said that Richie called him a few weeks ago and talked to him about that whole thing. He said that Richie told him that he was in touch with the movie company and they lifted his saying after he had talked to them about doing some kind of tie in with them. He said Richie then told him he was going to be suing them. He told him to do what he has to do but he knows little about it. He isn't sure why Richie wanted him to know but he's seen a bunch of press on it. He said that it's become about him now because it's his cousin and that's what the headlines are reading. Howard said it makes it seem like he's suing someone when he's got nothing to do with it.
Howard said there's a thing in Page Six (HAD CAKE, THREW IT TOO) today about the birthday bash that hey held for Ronnie at Headquarters. Of course he had nothing to do with it but his name is in bold letters of the headline of the story. He said people are going to think that he was at the strip club and had something to do with the party. He said he doesn't blame Richard Johnson for this, he's blaming Ronnie for having these parties and doing what he does. He said that it's always him even though he has nothing to do with it. He said he feels used when it comes to that and even with the lawsuit against the Bee Movie. He said he really does love his cousin but he has absolutely nothing to do with the case.
Howard said that he doesn't like being involved in all of this stuff he's not really involved with. He said that if his name wasn't used in the case, it wouldn't have been so heavily publicized. He said he's fine with it and doesn't want Richie calling him about this, but it does seem like they attach his name to stuff like this in the news all the time.
Artie said that Howard's cousin has made a big deal out of that ''Give bees a chance'' thing when he did a live commercial with Howard one time. Melrose said that he used it 400 times on the air. Howard said he read that too.
Melrose let Artie know that he's on his side of things in all of this comedy stuff. He said that he and Artie go way back. Howard said that Melrose is actually pissed at JD because he thinks that he stole his job. Melrose said that he's ready to work in an office environment and he'd be happy to take that job if JD left. Howard let him go and took some more phone calls.
A woman asked Howard about the ''Give bees a chance'' thing because it's like they stole that from a Beatles song. Howard said he knows nothing about it and he refers all questions to his cousin and his lawyers. He also talked about the Ronnie thing and how he didn't even get the benefit of going to that party that night. Now the story has his name all over it and he didn't even get to go.
Howard went off on Ronnie for a few minutes talking about how Ronnie is getting these great parties thrown for him at these strip clubs because he's on this show and he should be behaving himself. He said Ronnie will say that he didn't put the story in the paper but that's not the point.
Howard said that hey show you real lungs and told Artie he should go see what they look like after smoking for a while. There's one shot of a guy holding up his own skin and there are brains, guts, balls and other things hanging around. He said that they have this big, black, crusty thing that turns out to be a lung of a smoker and it's so disgusting that people stop smoking as soon as they see it.
Howard said people look like beef or chicken when they're cut open and he may have to become a vegan after seeing this display. Gary came in and asked if it's cool for kids. Howard was gagging just thinking about it and he said that it's super educational and better than any biology class. He wasn't sure if it was going to be good for little kids. Gary asked if he'd take a 10 year old. Howard wouldn't answer, he kept asking the other guys what they thought about it.
Richard went to see it 7 years ago and he hasn't been able to get over what he saw. He said you see the whole nervous system, blood vessels and other stuff like that. Richard said that some of the stuff looks like the body just exploded. Robin said that she used to dissect stuff when she was a nurse so she probably wouldn't have a bad reaction to it.
Howard said that he kind of wished he'd never seen this display. He said it was vile and he can't get over it. Richard said that there are some things in the show that make you realize that these were real people at one point.
Howard said that there's even a list that people can sign up for so they can be part of the display when you die. Howard said that they even offered to let him touch one of the bodies but he just had to get out of there. Robin said that it was a creepy thing to work on a human cadaver when she was doing it. Howard said that it really is weird to see that stuff.
Howard brought up how Katie Holmes had run the New York City Marathon. She took 5 1/2 hours to do it so Howard figured she walked it. He said that's barely moving. Artie said that Howard sure can throw his stones, he sure can't. Howard said that Artie could probably walk it in 5 and a half hours if he was in shape.
Howard said that Lance Armstrong did it in 2 hours and 46 minutes which is amazing. Artie said that he deserves all of that pussy he's getting if that's the kind of time he can do.
Howard said he saw an article about a Scores stripper who had a couple of dogs that were apparently stolen from her. He then read the article and it says that she went to a restaurant and tied the dogs up outside and disappeared for a half hour. She then got upset when they disappeared. Howard said he sees these people who do that kind of stuff and maybe they should leave the dogs in their god damn apartments instead of tied up outside.
Howard said the dogs were tied to the scaffolding outside and when she came out, they were gone. He said she shouldn't be surprised that they were stolen. The stripper was saying that she's well known around that area and people will usually come in and get her if there is a problem with them. Fred said that they were probably stolen and used for pit bull dog fight training or something. Howard said he doesn't get this and why someone would leave their dogs unattended outside like that. He said that people are just fucked up.
Howard said that he was reading about this King Tut over the weekend. He said they opened up the casket and they showed his real face. He said he looked good in the gold casket but when they took him out, he looked like Morgan Freeman or someone like that.
Howard said that Paul McCartney must be going nuts with this Heather Mills going out and doing all of these interviews on every single show she can get booked on. Now McCartney is suing her for full custody of their child because of some of the stuff she's been saying on the air.
Howard played some audio of Heather Mills talking about the way she's being treated and saying that she's got things that she could reveal about Paul that would be huge. She said that she's protecting him by not coming out with this stuff. She's also saying that she's in debt with her lawyers for $3 million because of all of this stuff that has gone on.
Howard played a couple of different clips where this Heather Mills is talking about stuff that went on between her and Paul. One interviewer asked her if it's true that she claims to have a tape of Paul claiming that he hit his late wife. She said she wasn't able to comment on that.
Howard dropped that whole thing after going off on Mills for a short time about her ridiculous complaints. Howard changed subjects again and brought up this movie ''American Gangster'' and the guy the movie was based on. He's saying that he's going to be coming out with a bunch of stuff based on his life.
Howard said that Jesse Jackson has come out against the XM / SIRIUS merger. The merger has been in talks for 10 months now and Jesse is coming out after all this time saying that he thinks that this could stop minorities from getting in on ownership or on the air. Howard said that the guy doesn't even have a good explanation for why he's against this thing though. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Debbie has been on the show since 1997 and even started them off on the air there at SIRIUS. Abby said she thinks it's time for a new Queen of the Queefers. Debbie said that she will always be the mother queefer even if she loses today. She said that she thinks that Eve should be the queen of all queefs. Abby won the contest though so she thinks that she should be the Queen.
Howard said that they were going to call the winner the world champion today. He said they're going to measure the loudness and length of the queefs that they do today. Debbie said that she's pretty sure she's going to lose today but she doesn't care. She got in a plug for her web site QueenDebbie.com
Debbie was going nuts saying that she used to do drugs and stuff and then jokingly told Artie that she's holding this morning and wanted to take him to the back and do it with him. Howard said that Debbie is wild with her stories but Abby is wild too. Debbie had also said that she had a threesome one time with a couple of guys. Howard asked Abby if she's done stuff like that. She said she did have that with a couple of girls.
Debbie said that she's actually off of drugs now and her husband helped get her off of them. Abby said that she's not a drug addict but she likes girls and stuff like that.
Howard moved on to the game and said they were going to do the Longest Queef first. This has to be one continuous queef, which a vaginal fart, and Mike Gange will be timing it. Abby took off her pants and Debbie pulled up her skirt. She said she couldn't take off her panties because her husband would come in and stop her if she did. Abby kept her panties on too.
Howard had Abby go first. He said that she's got a great body. Artie said she really is adorable. She's got two kids though. She said she didn't have tits so Howard suggested she enter the Hottest Chick / Smallest Tits contest they have coming soon.
Abby warmed up with a queef and then blasted out a six second queef. Debbie was up next and did her warm up. She said she's had her title since 1997. She could be losing it today though. She then blasted out about a 1 second queef. She said that was her weakest queef and she thinks that she can come back in the speed and loudness categories.
Abby took the first round. Fred played a theme song for the event and it turns out they were Debbie's queefs from a time when she was trying to suck in water so they were very wet sounding. Howard moved on to the loudest queef category and said that they have a DB meter in there just for this event. They took the first blast from Abby who blasted a -8.5 which was actually almost at 0 which his the loudest it will go. Mike explained how it works but it wasn't all that clear. Debbie went up next and tried to blast out her loudest queef. She blasted out a couple of practice queefs and then blasted out one that came in at a -1.8 which was louder than Abby's.
Howard said that this is coming down to one event now. This category is the most queefs in a certain time period. Debbie was telling Artie how much she loves him. She wouldn't stop talking and Abby said she didn't say much last time because of the whacko Eve and this time it's the Whacko Debbie. She said she takes this very seriously and Debbie was just singing and doing all kinds of stuff so she wasn't able to get a word in.
Abby said she didn't think there was anything sexy about watching a queef. Robin said that she thinks that Debbie is on something because of the way she's acting. She was coughing on Will and she claimed to have bronchitis. Will said he'd like to have a mask to keep the germs out. Howard said it might be too late at this point. Artie was laughing his ass off at one point but they just said you'll have to see what went on when it hits Howard TV.
Howard said that they have a real competition going on there and Abby is really seething over this whole Debbie thing. Abby said that the last time she was on the counting of the queefs wasn't done right last time. Gange said they were just counting the outs, not the in sounds. Abby said that she makes the noise going in though so Howard said that those should be counted too.
Abby started blasting away and had a really rapid fire way of doing hers. She blasted out for 30 seconds and they came out with 93 queefs in that time. Debbie said she was nervous after that. Jason confirmed the 93. The guys from Entourage, Kevin Connelly and Adrian Grenier, were in Gary's office watching as that was going on.
Howard said that it was time for Debbie to try and beat Abby. She blasted out a couple of practice blasts and then did her thing. She blasted out much slower than Abby did and it was clear from the start that she was going to lose her title this morning.
Abby was doing her victory dance already, before the time was up. Debbie went to shake Abby's hand but she didn't want to take it since she had just stuck her fingers down below. Howard asked Debbie how she felt. She said she feels that she's the mother of all queefers and Eve is really the Queen of Queefs even though Abby won. She said that she'll always be the original queefer. Abby told her ''Not anymore!''
Howard asked for some music from Fred so he could sing a song. Fred wasn't prepared so it took a few seconds before he had it. Howard sang some stuff about Abby's win and then gave her a chance to say something. She said she knew she'd walk out the winner this morning. Howard gave each of them $500 as prizes and let them say a few more words.
Abby said she's been queefing since she was 11 or 12. Artie wanted to hear a speech from Debbie as well. She said that she's very proud of Abby and she's always a gracious person. Abby told Howard how she found out she could queef accidentally. She said that she was trying to learn out to fart at the time and ended up queefing. She said she can actually do the fart thing, but not as well as the queef. She demonstrated and sucked in some air and farted.
Howard found out that Debbie had queefed for the first time at 5 years old. She and a friend discovered it accidentally. Debbie isn't able to fart like Abby can though. Gary came in and said that Kevin and Adrian were in his office and they must have had bets on this thing because when it was over. Adrian got up and gave Kevin a $20 bill. Debbie said she loves Adrian because he had his money on her. Howard let the girls go and went to break after that.
Howard said that he spoke to these guys when their show was first starting when they came in with Mark Wahlberg. They said that they weren't sure that this show was going to be as big as it got. Kevin said that he was on the show talking about how he used to date Nikki Cox years ago and then Bobcat Goldtwait stole her from him. They talked about that for a short time because Artie worked with her on The Norm Show for a year. Artie said that she had a huge black body guard with her all the time. Kevin said she had a stalker problem back then.
Artie said that he and Norm weren't able to concentrate because she'd show up wearing a guinea T-shirt. Howard asked Kevin what it was like to lose Nikki to Bobcat. He said it wasn't one of his finer moments. He said that they had to work together for a year after the breakup too. Adrian said that he'd never do that to Kevin himself.
Howard said that Adrian works out at his gym and it was kind of weird because they weren't talking to each other. He said one day he just stopped and said hello to him. Kevin said he thinks they were just trying not to bother each other and didn't talk.
Howard said he had a lot to talk about today but he had to get back to Kevin. Howard said that recently Kevin was at the MTV awards when Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into a fight. Kevin said that he was there but didn't want to incriminate anyone. He said that they were all at one table and Adrian was there as well. Howard asked if the cops interviewed them. They said that they weren't interviewed. Adrian said that he was mesmerized by Alica Keys on stage so he didn't pay much attention to what was going on.
Kevin said that Kid Rock had come over and sat down and then Tommy came over and sat next to him. All of a sudden kid Rock just punched him. He said that Kid was in his assigned seat when Tommy just came over and sat next to him for no reason. He thinks that Tommy didn't even know what he had done. Then Kid Rock told Tommy to get the fuck away from him and punched him. He said Tommy didn't have any time to say anything though. Security was there within seconds and they got Tommy out of there and Kid Rock left. Howard said that had to have been better than what was going on up on stage.
Howard said that Kevin must like violence because he once punched Brandon Davis in the face. Kevin said that Brandon dated Nikki Hilton and so did he. Howard asked Kevin if she paid for everything when he was dating her. Kevin said that he's been treated pretty well by HBO so he can pay for dinner and stuff. Howard said that HBO is known for being cheap so he figured that Nikki would have taken care of all of that stuff. Kevin said that her family did take him on vacation one time so they do have the money to take care of him. He said her family hates him now because they had an ugly break up.
Howard said they could do a whole interview just on this subject alone. He asked Kevin about going out with the two Nikkis and which one he would pick if he had to pick between Nikki Hilton and Nikki Cox. Kevin said he wasn't sure which one he'd pick and he didn't go with either one. He said that they were both fine and he gets along with both of them now. He said that Jay Mohr, who is married to Nikki Cox now, is a nice guy too.
Howard asked Kevin if he ever was attracted to Paris and Nikki at the same time. He said that he wasn't and he actually met Nikki through Paris. Howard got back to the Brandon Davis thing and asked why he'd punch the guy in the face. Kevin said that it was always the people around Nikki that bothered him and he was one of those people at the time. He said that he's okay now but back then he was being rude to him and he popped him. Kevin said he doesn't have to go to anger management or anything from this stuff. Howard read that he had popped a pro skateboarder one night too. Kevin said that he's a good friend of his but he was out of control one night and he had to take him down. Kevin said that he was up in the DJ booth yelling out that he wanted to suck Nikki's pussy and that's what led to him taking him down. Kevin said that they were fine after that night, he even got him a job on Entourage.
Howard asked Adrian if people are jealous of him because he's such a good looking guy and he's famous. Robin said he's so good looking that Howard won't even talk to him at the gym. Adrian said that his friends aren't like that so he doesn't have to worry about it. Howard asked him if he got started having sex early on. He said he was a late bloomer but chicks were always all over him. He said he never had any teachers coming on to him though. Howard figured that some guy teachers might come on to him too.
Adrian said he started out in acting when he was 18 but didn't get serious until he was 21. Howard figured he can go to any party he wants and get laid. Robin said that's what the show is about. Howard said that he must not have been turned down by Andy women at this point in his life.
Howard read that Adrian is dating a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model by the name of Melissa Keller. Howard said he's read that they even take time off from each other once in a while but get back together. Kevin said that they met on the show and he was there when it happened. Adrian said that he let Kevin take a shot at her too. Kevin said he didn't do that though.
Howard asked Adrian about hooking up with this chick and how he breaks things off with her. Adrian said that she was kind of flaky at the start and then he'd break up not knowing if he wanted to make it a long term relationship. He said there's no protocol there and you just open up and let the person know what you're thinking.
Adrian said he thinks that they're on again right now but she's out on the West Coast and he's in New York. Howard asked him if he's in love with her. He said that he's not sure what that means. Howard said that he's got a great resume. He read that he was with Kirsten Dunst but he thinks he could do much better. Adrian said he never dated her. He never went out with Melissa Joan Heart either. Howard's list was a bit off according to Adrian. He said that they seem to be trying to make him ore like his character when he's really not like that.
Howard said that Adrian made this documentary about trying to find his real father. His parents were hippies and his father ended up leaving when he was really young. He eventually found his real father and he was rejected from what he heard. Adrian said that his wife was the one who was threatened by the whole thing. He said that she was threatened by him and she was the one who told him not to come around anymore.
Howard asked Adrian if he was bitter and angry when he met his father. He figured that he must have been upset but Adrian said he really didn't have any feelings toward him at all. He said his mother did a great job raising him. Howard asked him why he was searching for him if he didn't care. Adrian said that he had a father figure in his life who also ended up splitting on him too because he felt abandoned by him.
Artie saw this movie and the movie opens up on Father's day at Yankee stadium. He said that meant a lot to him because he and his father used to go. He said that the guy who was his father figure was clearly annoyed by the whole thing in the movie. Artie said there's a great scene where Kevin and this guy are having dinner and it's clear that he's really bothered that Adrian is searching for him. The movie is called ''Shot in the Dark.'' Howard said he's going to have to check that out.
Howard said that there was a story about Adrian having sex with two models while he was out at the Sundance Film Festival. Kevin said that didn't happen and it was just the tabloids doing their thing.
Howard asked what the guys were in to promote. They were promoting this book that's out about the show. It's coffee table book. They're out promoting it even though they're not making money off the thing. They're going to be out signing copies in the city today at the HBO Shop and at a Borders Book in Columbus Circle today.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans talk to the guys. One woman asked them if they smoke real weed on the show. They said it's =not real weed, they can't do that stuff on the set. Adrian said that he likes weed but doesn't inhale.
One caller asked Kevin if Nikki Cox's tits were real. Kevin said that they were so Howard asked her what it's like when you first get inside a chick like that. Kevin was only 17 at the time and he thinks that she was way out of her league at the time.
Howard took a call from Celeste who said that she would orgasm if she spoke to these guys. Howard had them talk to her and tried to help her get off. She said she was masturbating at the time so they tried talking to her but laughed when she said, in a husky voice, that she'd like to suck Adrian's cock. They laughed when they heard that. Adrian said he was blushing hearing that. He said he hasn't gone that far out there yet. Howard told him that was very selfish of him to do that to his show.
Another caller asked if Kevin is seeing the hot 19 year old blonde from Dancing with the Stars. Kevin said that he just met her and she's fantastic. He has gone out with her a couple of times. Howard said he wanted to smell his fingers after hearing that. He said she's his favorite and she's got the best body he's seen. She's 19, a professional dancer and she's dancing with the race car driver, Helio Castroneves. Kevin said that he has gone out with her a couple of times so Howard asked him if he's taken her back to his place. Kevin said that she's fantastic and he is actively pursuing her but he's not ''dating her'' at this point.
Adrian said that he hasn't met her yet. Kevin said he wasn't sure how the caller could have known about him dating her because hardly anyone knows. Howard said there's actually a picture of them in Us magazine. Kevin said that she's a 10 but Howard said she might be a 12. He said that she's the sweetest person he's met. He said that he hasn't banged her but he really likes her. He said he's not sure if she's seeing anyone either. He said he does talk to her on the phone every day.
Howard asked who's hotter, Kevin's girl or Adrian's. Kevin said that he and Adrian have different taste in woman so things work out for them that way. They don't go after the same chicks. Howard asked Kevin if he has kissed this chick yet. He said he hasn't, yet, but Howard didn't believe it.
Howard asked what the chick's name is from Dancing With the Stars. Kevin said it's Julianne (Hough). Howard said that Adrian better get in on this with some sex stories. Kevin is blowing him away. Adrian said that Kevin is the real ''Vince'' (from Entourage) and no one knows it. Howard said he thinks that he's banged this chick.
Ralph called in and said he thinks that Kevin is happy that she works really long hours because that way she's not bothering him so much. Ralph was saying that the chick is kind of hot but now all that great. Kevin told him that he'd be out of his mind if she was in the room with her.
Ralph was also saying that Entourage has been getting too wacky with the story lines. He said they should just stick to the banging chicks scripts and not concentrate on Ari's gay assistant and stuff like that. Howard asked the guys what else they have going on. Kevin said he's doing a movie with Scarlet Johansen and Jennifer Aniston. Adrian is making another documentary and staying away from the big movies.
Howard gave the guys a plug for the book ''Entourage: A Lifestyle Is a Terrible Thing to Waste'' and the signings they're doing today. Then he had the guys show some pictures of Kevin and Julianne out together.
Howard took a call from Jessica Hahn who said that she knew Kevin because her boyfriend produced the show he was on. She said that she knew a lot of women who wanted him and he's always been loyal to the girls that he was with. She was actually there when the Bobcat Goldtwait thing went down. She also said that Kevin once hugged her from behind thinking that she was Nikki.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy asked Robin if she was all wet from having these guys in there. She said she's a huge fan of the show so she was very exited to see them. She said she's much more professional than that though.
One guy asked how big of a dick head Jeremy Piven is and if he's bald. Kevin said that he's a good guy and they're all doing very well on the show. Kevin told the guy that was a good question. He also said that they're coming up on the 5th season now and the writers strike could really effect them. Howard said he gets that but doesn't get why Letterman and Leno can't do their shows without writers. He said that those guys should be able to go up and do shows no problem. He said that he'd take over if he could just to prove a point that he doesn't need writers to be entertaining.
Ralph was back on the phone so Howard put him on. Ralph said that Piven used to be bald but he's got hair now. Then he gave Adrian some fashion advice about the tight shirts they have him wearing on the show because his hips look too wide. Howard said he was sounding very gay today. Ralph said that's what he does for a living though and he was just trying to help the guy.
Howard asked Adrian about his best friend in the documentary he made. He said he liked that guy and hoped that Adrian had hooked him up with some pussy. Adrian said that he's actually engaged so he doesn't need to help him out. Howard asked how he can get this documentary. Adrian said he can send him a copy. It's not available in video stores yet.
Howard asked the guys how much longer they're in their contracts for the show. They said they have 2 more years left and both of them said that they love their jobs and they'd do it for as long as they want them to. Howard was trying to find out if they were going to renegotiate their contracts and they said that they love their jobs and don't seem to want to renegotiate. Adrian said that he'd do that show as long as they want him to.
Howard gave them some more plugs and wrapped up a short time later.
Howard played some clips from Oprah's press conference where she talks about a detective going over and interviewing the girls and the staff at the school. Oprah showed up there herself and encouraged the girls to come forward and trust the team to help them. Robin said that this is the second time that she's had to ask people to trust her. She suggested that Oprah just adopt one girl and watch her instead of trying to care for a lot of girls over there.
Howard and Robin spent some time talking about the Oprah thing for a few minutes. Robin said that the girls are supposedly sleeping on 300 count sheets over there at the school but meanwhile, they're also getting beaten and molested. Howard said he gets that she's trying to help, but it is kind of funny that this is happening just 2 months after the school opened. He played more clips from the press conference and goofed on the whole thing. Howard said he thinks that Oprah is in over her head with this stuff.
Howard said he heard that McDonald's is trying to get their Golden Arches flown into space so when we look at the moon we'd see the big M. Howard thinks that it's the greatest idea ever and said that SIRIUS should do something like that with his logo or his face or something. No one owns the moon so maybe they should stick his face on the moon with the SIRIUS logo or his fist logo. He said that since it was his concept, he doesn't want Martha Stewart or anyone else's face up there.
Howard got back to the Oprah stuff and played more of her press conference. They'd listen to a little bit of it and goof on Oprah about it. Howard said that she really is in over her head. He also wondered why they weren't invited to that press conference.
Howard said he knows that Eve is a nice woman and he may be thinking of putting all of them into a super group to perform a song. Eve said that she knows that Abby was upset with her for not letting her get in a word the last time she was on but she didn't think that was the case. Howard cut her off and said that he had to move on. He let her go after that.
Artie said that he and Sal have been avoiding each other and not talking to one another. He saw Sal in the coffee room earlier and neither of them said anything to each other. Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he'll accidentally say hello to him out in the hall. Artie said that he almost did that but when he finds himself doing stuff like that, he'll say a big hello to someone else instead.
Sal came in and said that he actually said hello to Artie in the coffee room and they both realized they weren't going to talk and just looked different ways. Howard heard that Sal's wife feels sorrier for Artie than she does for Sal. Sal said that's true and he told her the story and she told him to pull Artie aside and talk to him instead of yelling at him the way he did. Sal said that she was telling him that she feels for Artie and hopes that he's okay and Sal didn't cause any problems with Artie going back on drugs or killing himself.
Artie said that if something does happen, Sal shouldn't feel guilty. Howard said that he thinks that Sal's wife might go to Artie if something happened to Sal. Sal said that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to him. It would actually be a step up if she did that.
Artie said that he can never take a compliment from Sal after the stuff he said to him in the studio when he yelled at him. He said that it's a very difficult and awkward thing that day. He said that they can't have any kind of relationship after what he said. Sal tried explaining himself again and said that what he said isn't what he feels, he was just trying to attack Artie on a professional level, not on a personal level. That's because he felt that Artie was attacking him on that level when he was goofing on his comedy.
Artie said that Sal should never apologize about his opinion. Sal said that he wasn't doing that. Artie said that he never thought that Sal liked that he was on the show and he was never a fan of his. He said now he doesn't feel like he can trust Sal and he can't work with him on anything. He told Sal that he needs him to be honest with him. Sal said that they have had discussions off the air and they've gotten along great. He said that he tries to do anything for Artie to keep him happy.
Sal said that things turned into an explosion and that's what that outburst was the other day. He said that his wife has pointed things out to him about what he did and he knows he should have spoken to Artie on a personal level instead of doing that on the air.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal should go talk to Jason behind Artie's back. Gary said that if they had given Sal another minute, he probably would have cried. Howard said that he didn't think that was the case, he wouldn't have let him go if he was that close to crying.
Howard said that he didn't see any softening with Artie in that. Artie said they can certainly work together but that's it. He didn't throw anything either so that was an improvement.
Howard asked Steve to finish up his report. Steve said that Crackhead Bob is doing just fine and that wasn't him calling in recently claiming to have been kicked out of his home in Texas. They also have a story about Andrew Schuster who got in a Baba Booey reference in a news report about a fire in his apartment.
Steve mentioned that there was a story in the paper about Artie yesterday. Howard said that he saw the article and there were many pictures of Artie in there. Artie said that it was the worst picture in the history of show business in his opinion. He said he looked like a pig in the picture. He said he looked so fat and the look he was giving looked angry. He also looked like he had a fire hose crumpled up in his lap with his gut hanging out.
Steve said that Richard is upset about the Halloween season coming to an end. Howard said that he's a very weird guy. He said that their office manager, Tracy, was over at Richard's apartment and it was a filthy mess. He said that he has to put the pictures up on his web site to show what a mess it is.
Howard said that Richard and this guy are going to get together on Sunday and watch ''Interview with the Vampire'' and watch it at the same time at their homes. They're going to text message each other while they watch it because that was the last thing they did together 12 years ago. Artie said that he could say some funny stuff right now but he can't because it might upset Richard.
Howard told Artie to say what he was going to say. Artie said that he has a prediction about Richard. He said he thinks that Richard had gay sex with this guy. He said that the guy is about to cry and why wouldn't he have a phone number for this guy. Richard said he didn't have a phone back then and the friend went to the Virgin Islands to live for a few years so they lost touch.
Richard said he never even saw this guy naked. He said that this guy has been looking for him for years, he didn't know what had happened to him. Richard said that about 3 years ago he tried calling everyone with this guy's name that he could find in the phone book trying to find him. Robin said that she had a female friend who was like that and tried to find a woman she used to be friends with. She was a lesbian trying to find someone like that.
Gary said that Richard had asked for Will's maid's name to come over and clean up his apartment. Will told Richard not to call her after he saw his apartment. He told him that she wasn't a slave, she's just a maid.
Howard said that he doesn't want people thinking that Richard is really gay, he claims he's not so they can't say that he is. Howard said that Richard was on the verge of crying again so he wanted him to talk more about this friend. Richard said that they used to have a great time making horror movies together and stuff like that. Howard asked him what he would have done if he had found out that he was dead. Richard said he would have flipped out if he had. Richard's voice was quivering and he admitted that he was sounding very gay today. He had tears running down his face according to Robin.
Howard had the guys showing the pictures of Richard's apartment. The toilet was apparently a mess. Richard said his girlfriend actually came over and cleaned up his apartment over the weekend so when he came home from his comedy show trip , it was spotless.
Howard asked Richard a hypothetical question and asked if he would give his friend a blow job if it would save his life. Richard said that was tough but he'd have to say no. Then he said that he'd let his friend suck and kiss his penis if he really had to do that in a life or death situation. Howard told him to get out of there after that.
Artie said that he can't believe that these guys are going to watch a movie together and text message each other. He said that he finds it hard to believe that he hasn't done something gay with that guy.
Robin started her news with some stories about the NYC Marathon. They talked about Lance Armstrong's amazing finish time and the stories about the winners. Howard said that Beth was so inspired by the race that she's going to try and run it next year.
Robin also brought up a story about Ron Kuby who lost his job because WABC is replacing his show with the Imus show. Curtis Sliwa and Kuby are both losing their jobs because of Imus. Howard said he doesn't get that whole thing because those guys had bigger ratings than Imus did and it's beyond his comprehension as to why they'd hire Imus. Artie asked if this is stranger than K-Rock hiring David Lee Roth to replace Howard Stern. Howard said that the David Lee Roth thing was really odd but even he got bigger ratings than Imus did.
Howard took a call from a creepy guy who was telling Howard that he ran into Beth at a Duran Duran concert over the weekend. He said that she's really stunning in person and looks so much better in person than she does in pictures. The guy was saying some creepy stuff about her so Howard and Artie had some fun goofing on him about that before Howard let him go.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started off the show saying that Artie wasn't there today, he called in sick. Howard said he got a message from Artie last night and he was watching Dancing with the Stars. He told him that he had to see if that chick was hot that Kevin Connelly was talking about. He said that he was watching the show and said that there's nothing gay about it at all. Howard thinks that Artie might be a convert now. He was also saying that Artie had her name wrong, it wasn't Sabrina like Artie said, it's Julianne.
Howard said that Artie was in a good mood last night and he rarely gets calls from Artie. He said that he doesn't start watching the show until a half hour in because he has his on TiVo.
Howard talked about some of the people on the show and brought up Jenni Garth. He said that she makes some weird faces on that show and doesn't look normal to him. He thinks that she might be a little disturbed or something.
Howard said that Artie called Gary this morning and blamed his diet for his illness. He played his voice mail and Artie tells Gary that he just threw up and he needs something to eat other than this fuckin' diet he's on. Howard said that he's worked with Artie for about 7 years now and he's seen him go through a lot of stuff. He said that he's never seen a more miserable guy since he started this diet. He's really struggling through it. Robin agreed and said that he has a mental toughness but it's not working this time. His body is bringing him down.
Howard played more of his voice mail and Artie is saying that his diet is killing him and his immune system might be fucked up from this diet. Howard said that he's probably just depressed. Robin said that his depression causes him to eat and he's doing nothing about the depression.
Artie said that he has a fever and he won't be in today because of it. Robin asked if Artie has lost any weight at all. Howard said no and then said that Artie eats all of this shit food and none of that broke down his immune system. He laughed and said he loves that guy.
Robin said that she was in the car with Artie and his mother last week and it was the funniest dynamic. She said that Artie is like a 9 year old. His mother didn't say a thing about Artie's blow up with Sal that day. She said that Artie asked her if she'd heard the show and she told him that he was out of line but also propping him up and supporting him. She said that it was Artie saying ''Oh mahhh'' and whining about it. Artie said that he shouldn't have done it but his mother was telling him that they shouldn't have talked to him the way they had.
Howard told Robin she needs to be around Artie more so she can see what else goes on. She said that he really is pissed off at everything and he needs to be a mess in the family. He was forced to grow up before he was supposed to when his father was paralyzed and died. Robin said that Artie's whining was like a song in the way it sounded to her. She said he really does need help though. Howard said he's a good dude and he hopes he's okay.
Howard said he looks over at Artie sometimes and he just looks miserable on this diet he's on. He played more of Artie's voice mail and Artie says he'll see how he's feeling tomorrow and he'll let him know if he's coming in. Robin said that Rev. Bob Levy is right, he's on pills now and he's off the booze and losing weight and feeling good. That's what Artie needs to do. Howard said Artie needs a top guy in the psychology field to help him out. That guy might have to drop every other client to take care of Artie, but that's what he needs.
Howard played one of the song parodies the guys created with Artie's previous sick voice mails. They have him coughing and pretending to be sick in those songs. They also used those calls to make a prank call to a business making the guy there think that he had an employee calling in sick. Howard played a second call they made to that same place using more of Artie's clips.
Howard said there was a funny episode of Seinfeld that he saw where Kramer went to a job and just started showing up there like he worked there. He said that was pretty funny and one of the few episodes of that show that he actually saw.
Howard said that he was getting upset just thinking that Kevin Connelly was getting that chick. He said that he was getting pissed thinking that he wasn't all that hot. Howard said that he's very happy with Beth now and he's glad he's settled down with her at this point. Robin said she predicted that would happen too. Howard told her to stop with that and drop it already.
Howard said that he did have quite a run of chicks after his divorce and he does think about that stuff once in a while. Robin still thinks that Howard is going to have another kid but he says that's not going to happen. He said that's never going to happen but Robin thinks that Beth could be pregnant already. Howard assured her she's not. Howard said that the parade of women he had seems to have moved right over to Kevin Connelly's apartment.
Robin said that she was out at Nobu last night and saw Katie and Tom Cruise out there. She said that Tom is really tiny and Katie is like a head taller than him. Robin said that Adrian Grenier was there too but she was already on her way out and didn't get to see him.
Howard read some more mail about his comments about the marathon. Robin told him that some woman just finished after 28 hours. Howard said that's not running but Robin told him that she has MS and she's on crutches.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show has become the Artie Lange show lately and he's just about sick of it. He said that they get sidetracked on him all the time and he's getting sick of it. Howard said he loves Artie though and they do devote some time to him but he's always hitting home runs with stuff on the show. The guy told Howard not to let Artie hijack the show so much anymore. Howard said he gets what he's saying but they don't have a scripted show so they can't always control what goes on. He said he's very pleased with what Artie does on the show and he thinks that the show might be better than ever lately.
Howard first played the original version of the song that was actually pretty bad. The singing wasn't all that great and Howard had goofed on it. He said the guy was really sincere when he sent him the letter about the song and how he wanted him to sing it at his wedding. Then Shaw Blades came in and did a version of the song.
Howard had the writer of the song, Lonny, on the phone. Howard asked him how long it took him to write it. Lonny said it was a couple of months. He also told Howard he knew that they were going to goof on the song so he wasn't surprised at all. He said that he expected that from the Stern Show.
Howard said that Lonny's voice was deep when he was talking and it didn't sound like the high voice he was singing in. He asked him if he's ever sold any songs or anything. Lonny said he hasn't and he's 38 years old. He said he's not working right now and he's on disability at this point. He said that he had a heart attack 2 years ago and he's diabetic too. He said he had the heart attack and then his kidney's shut down and he's awaiting a kidney transplant.
Howard played the Shaw Blades version of Lonny's song so he could get his reaction to it. Lonny hadn't heard the whole thing that day. Howard said that he might have to get Shaw Blades to perform at his wedding. If he does that he said he'd have to have Lonny come to the wedding too.
Lonny was saying that it was great to hear those guys performing that song because he's a big fan of Styx. He said that he's a big fan of Tommy Shaw. Howard said that Tommy had said that it sounded familiar to ''Sailing Away'' so that shows in Lonny's song writing. Lonny said that he really liked that version of the song too.
Howard said that he had the new version to play from the band Blue Collar. He played that song and it had a more modern rock sound to it and they used the bonus lyrics that Shaw Blades had used in the song in their song. Lonny said that he thinks that one sounds good to him. Robin said she can imagine that one being played on the radio. Fred said it sounded like the Friends theme song to him but he thought it was okay. Robin said there are songs like that on SIRIUS Hits 1 right now.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that she was getting all sad hearing this song because you can put anyone's name in there. She said she was thinking of Artie's name in the song and getting all teary eyed. She said she thinks the song is really good. Robin told Lonny to send in more of his stuff. Jessica said that maybe she and Lonny could work on something together. Howard let her go after a short time.
Howard took another call and the woman said that they need to have two weddings, one normal one and one with the Wack Packers doing their thing. Howard said they've been talking about what they want to do and they keep changing things.
The woman on the phone asked to hear some of the creepy Vinnie (Favale) shit that they haven't played on the show much lately. Howard said they can do that. He let her go after that and got back to Lonny who asked what Beth thinks of the song. Howard said that she actually likes it. Howard said that Beth sings the song and says ''When I see me smiling...''
A woman called in crying telling Howard that he has to do the song at his wedding because it's so beautiful. Howard said that Lonny might have a hit song there. The woman was saying that she could just about cry thinking about it. Lonny said that if anything were to ever happen with the song, he'd owe it all to Howard.
Lonny said that he's working on some other music. Howard wished him luck with his health and all of that. He wondered if they had any prizes they could give the guy. Gary gave Howard a $500 prize courtesy of Cash4Gold.com. Howard wrapped up with Lonny but realized that he still had the crying woman on the phone. He wanted to make her cry and played the Shaw Blades version of the song. The woman broke down sobbing but she was faking it. Howard let them both go after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why they started the show off with that Duran Duran song earlier. Howard said that they just performed the song on the show and did a great job. Robin said ''They did?'' when she heard him say that. She said she's not a big fan of theirs and said they did as good a job on that song as they could have. Howard said he liked it though.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that they have Staind perform that song. Howard said he can't just ask them to do that. That led to them talking about getting Bon Jovi, Van Halen or the Foo Fighters to perform it. Then Robin asked where the Foo Fighters were at and why they haven't been on the show lately. Gary said they were thinking about doing the show the week they were on Saturday Night Live but they didn't want to perform live and Dave Grohl's voice was killing him from performing so much so it just didn't come together. Howard said that's because Dave is always screaming in those songs of his. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Barbara Walters came out and blasted Paul McCartney's wife Heather Mills. He said he was glad to see that happen. He said that she was only married to Paul for a few years but she seems like a grub and a schnurer to him. He said that Barbara hardly ever bad mouths anyone but she did with this woman.
Howard played some audio from The View with Barbara talking about this Heather Mills and the two interviews she did with her. She said she was touched when she did the first interview, then the second one she was very difficult. She said that she didn't want her picking on the people she worked with but Heather gave a producer a hard time about the water not being room temperature. Barbara was going through all of that and Whoopi Goldberg was chiming in and saying ''yeah'' over and over again. Howard said that Whoopi's voice has gotten extremely deep lately.
Howard was talking to himself because Robin wasn't in her booth. He asked the guys to check on her to make sure she's okay. He asked if she left or something. The guys told him that she was back in the kitchen making a drink. Gary asked if he wanted him to tell her what was going on. Robin showed up a few seconds later. Robin said that she didn't have an on-air light or anything to tell her that he was back on. Howard told her it was very distracting that she wasn't in there.
Howard told Robin that she'd just missed out on the whole Barbara Walters thing. She asked for a review of it but he told her it was too late.
Howard mentioned that Fred's daughter's birthday is today and she turns 5. Fred said it's amazing that it's been 5 years now. He said that he had a birthday party for her over the weekend and had a great time with that. Howard asked if he videotaped it. Fred said that he didn't do that, he's not into taping. He said they taped one time and lost the tape of her birth when someone taped over it. Howard said that his kids thanked him for doing that stuff because they get to see their history on tape. He told Fred that he has to keep that stuff safe and wondered how it got taped over. Fred said he's not sure what happened but that's the one tape that got taped over.
Fred said that he usually does videotape stuff but he was trying to do other stuff at this bowling thing. Fred said that he's not sure who taped over that tape of the birth but it's gone.
Lisa said that Sebastian Bach came running into the news room the other day and he said he wants to come on the show to play this new song of his. Howard said he was on the show one time and tied his penis in a knot. Robin said that he said that people still ask him about that. Howard said the guy had the biggest penis he's ever seen
Howard asked Robin what she was drinking this morning that kept her from her booth earlier. She said it was a drink that she came up with to keep herself nourished. She said there's a lot of stuff in this drink. She told Howard what was in it and there was a ton of stuff. Howard was asking her about how she cleans her blender and things like that. Robin said that she uses paper towels and soap to clean it up. Howard said that her ass is getting smaller and smaller so the diet has worked.
Howard asked Robin to stand up and show off her ass. She stood up and showed him her jeans which were getting even looser. She said that her ass was getting pretty big. Howard said it was quite a caboose she had back there. Lisa asked her how many sizes she'd dropped during this diet.
Howard asked Robin if she's still talking to Jim Florentine. She said that she's still talking to him but there really isn't a relationship there. Howard said that he wants to know why she's keeping this such a big secret. He tried finding out if she's still seeing him or not but she wasn't answering. She said that they do talk occasionally but they have a hard time matching up schedules. They might go out again if things line up when they're both available. Howard said it seems like Jim is blowing her off.
Howard said that Jim is in town this week but Robin said that she's got family coming to town. She said that she's just trying to have a normal life. Howard asked her if she's Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck all of a sudden. She said that she's just trying to enjoy what she's doing without being looked at under a microscope.
Lisa asked if Nick Manning has been calling. Robin said that he has been calling. He got her number after she called him with her dinner plans recently. She said that Nick called her to let her know that he was on his way to work and she joked that she knew that he'd be cheating on her already. She said that his calls don't last all that long, just a couple of minutes. She'd said that her calls with Jim can last for an hour or more sometimes. Howard asked if Nick is asking to take Robin out again. Robin said he's not.
Lisa said that Nick had google eyes for Robin when they were out. She was there and witnessed it first hand. Fred threw in a bunch of Nick Manning audio clips and song parodies and both Lisa and Robin said he's not like that in person. Lisa said that he was very engaging and had everyone's interest at the table. They spent a short time on that while Fred played a bunch of the Nick Manning ''Dropping loads'' clips. Fred also does a great impression of the guy and did some of that for Robin.
Howard wondered what Nick is trying to do with Robin by calling her so much. She said she thinks that he's trying to get to know her, that's why he's calling. Howard asked if she calls him herself. She said that if he calls her, she will call him back. Fred threw in some more Dropping Loads stuff while they were talking about that. Howard said he had no idea any of that was going on and Robin must feel really good about that since she's dieted down and gotten thin. Robin said that's not what her life is about though.
Howard said he figures that she wants Jimmy to see her naked. Robin said she could still use some work on her body. Howard wondered when they're going to see her in belly shirts, short shorts and stuff like that. Robin said it's too cold out for that stuff now.
Howard asked Robin if she's spoken to Mr. X since their breakup. Robin said she has but they don't really talk about who they're seeing or anything. Robin said she has no interest in who he's seeing, if anyone.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that Gary's moustache is going to be featured in an article about famous moustaches. They'll have more on that today on Howard 100 News. Howard let her go right after that.
KC asked Robin if she's seen Jim's balls yet. He told her that if she rides him from on top, it would be like hopping around on a hippity hop. KC said that Jim is always showing people his balls and they're huge. He said his penis is small and the balls overshadow them. Howard asked Robin if she's had sex since she broke up with Mr. X. She didn't want to talk about it so Howard assumed that she had and said it had to have been Jim. Robin wasn't talking though.
Howard played some more KC song parodies, a bunch of them were from Richard Christy before he even started working for them. KC said that Richard made his name making fun of him for being gay and now he's running around playing grab ass with Sal. Howard said that he's convinced that Richard is gay now. He said that he's licked Sal and done all of these gay antics there. He said that he's even going to get his asshole bleached there on the air. Then yesterday Richard was crying over this male friend of his that he lost touch with. Then on the Wrap Up Show he admitted that he had a picture of Brad Pitt on his wall when he was a kid.
Howard played the clip from the Wrap Up Show where Richard talks about the Brad Pitt admiration he had and how he had posters hanging on his wall. KC was laughing his ass off as he heard Richard admitting to that stuff. Howard said that Richard admitted to having a poster of ''Legends of the Fall'' on his wall and that might be one of the worst movies out there. Howard said that Richard is going to do some more gay stuff with this long lost friend of his. Robin said that Howard and Ralph call each other and talk about stuff but they don't make a date to do it.
Gary came in and said that Richard just told him something that convinced him that he's gay. Richard had told him that he and that friend had gone to see ''Legends of the Fall'' four times together. Howard said there's nothing wrong with being gay, but Richard is gay. He said that it's all coming together now because Richard sent in so many songs about KC being gay over the years.
Howard played a bunch of the song parodies that Richard sent in about KC. They were all about him being gay. KC said that some of them were a little too specific in their descriptions. Howard then read some e-mail about Richard and what he did on the show when he talked about that long lost friend. Howard said that Richard really must be gay because his favorite parts in porn movies are when the guy shoots his load. Howard said that's when he turns his head and looks away.
The guys were goofing around with Robin and asking her if she likes to have loads shot on her face. She said she doesn't so KC asked her about the boobs. She told him to stop because he's like a son to her. Howard asked her if she gets disappointed if the load is small. Robin said she does. She also talked about how she doesn't like that feeling of getting cold after a load cools down. Fred was doing his Jim Florentine impression and said that he once shot a load on Robin's face and it looked like a barber was about to shave her.
Howard said that there's a picture of Danny Bonaduce naked and his balls are all screwed up from the steroids. Howard asked KC about doing the juice and if it screwed him up. KC said his balls did get smaller but his penis got bigger. He said he's got issues with his loads dribbling out too. He said that he doesn't have a problem with the balls though because girls are never into big balls or anything.
Howard said that Richard's favorite porn star is Peter North so that's another reason he thinks he's gay. Howard asked Robin to pretend they were in court and gave her some details of Richard's life that makes him seem really gay. Howard asked Richard to come in during that so they could talk to him about being gay. Richard said he has no defense and that's why he stayed out of there for so long. Richard said that there are some porn stars who are known for dribbling their loads and he won't watch them. He said that he likes when the chicks are into the loads, that's why he likes that moment in the movies.
Howard said that Richard must have a man crush on that guy he's been talking about lately. Richard said that he lost touch with the guy and he'd be that way with any friend who he lost touch with for 12 years. Howard pointed out more stuff about Richard that prove he's gay. He's called Will before and told him that he knew he wanted to see his penis. Richard said he really has no defense.
Howard found the voice mail that Richard left for Will one night when he was really drunk. Richard was out on the street taking a leak and telling Will he loves it and he knows he wants to see his penis. He was also telling Will that he's a sexy bastard and stuff like that. Richard said that no girl wants to hear that kind of stuff.
Howard showed the guys Danny Bonaduce's balls and they all examined those. Howard wondered if that's from using the juice or not. They kind of got off of that and KC said that everyone has to check out this fight event that he's part of. He got in a plug for this web site RioHeroes.com. They have to do the fights on the web because there are no rules and they're doing bare knuckle fights. KC said that this stuff is brutal and you see a ton of blood during the fights.
KC said that he's doing commentary during the fights so that's why he's going to Brazil. He joked that there are a lot of hot chicks down there but he's heard that a lot of them have AIDS. Then he said that lucky for him he can't catch it twice. Nice!
KC said that he's doing shows out in California too and you can write to him at email@example.com. KC threw in another plug for the fight thing as well. You can also check him out in a movie with Jim Florentine at TimelessVideo.com. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go a short time later.
Howard said that Jerry Seinfeld was on Larry King's show and called him out after Larry asked him about his show being canceled. Jerry told Larry that he went out while he was still a hit show, he wasn't canceled. He played that clip and had a couple of others there to play as well. JD told Howard about some of the clips he had from that interview.
JD said that Jerry talked about Michael Richards' temper in one clip. That got Howard and Robin talking about how Michael has disappeared since that N-word incident. Then they were talking about how OJ Simpson is still living a normal life out there even after all of this stuff has gone down with him.
Howard played the clip of Jerry talking to Larry about Michael Richards losing his temper on stage that night. He thinks that it was just a temper thing and he's not really a racist. He said that he'd just spoken to him a couple of days before and he's doing okay. Jerry said that Michael still feels bad about what he did.
Howard said that Jerry did every show but his. That's odd since he was there when Jerry's TV show was struggling. Jerry and Larry also talked about the cook book Jerry's wife has out.
Howard played a news report from Inside Edition where they interview a guy about how Copperfield stole his girlfriend from him. Howard said that Copperfield is going to be trashed all over the place now. He said he might be innocent but he's going to get trashed because of this case.
Howard said that Copperfield is getting up there in age and it might be time for him to settle down and stop hitting on chicks and taking them to his island. He found out that he's 51 years old and said he has a couple of years left before he gets married.
Howard played another track off the CD and said it sounds like the tip toe sounds they used in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. He liked that song better but it was still bad. He played another track and it sounded like a vinyl album skipping. Howard had to cut that one off. Richard said they should have them play at his wedding so they could chase the people out of the reception.
Howard played another track and it had bells playing at the start. They said it sounded kind of like a Christmas song. The bells just keep going though, and the song doesn't change. Robin said that the songs really are annoying. Richard said the whole album is like that and you wait for them to play some music but it never happens. Robin requested another track so Howard played it and it was almost musical but not quite. It sounded more like they were tuning up their instruments. The band was ZS according to Howard.
Howard played a clip of Crazy Alice calling in and going off on him about something that no one could figure out. She was talking about Cousin Brucie but called him ''Cousin Busy.'' Alice calls Howard ''gay Howard'' all the time and she does that because he calls her ''crazy.'' In another clip Alice is going off on Artie and Howard but no one was sure exactly why. Robin said she was sort of getting it but then she lost it. Alice said that she's never going to do the show again.
Howard played a Jack and Rod Show where Sal and Richard spoke to an author about his book ''Ministering to God: key to prosperous life / church filled with God's power, miracles, signs and wonders.'' The guy claims that he could do an exorcism on the show. They used clips of Crazy Alice as the person on the show who needed the exorcism. He did his thing and they had Alice freaking out on him. Then the guy was asking her to say Jesus' name but she wouldn't say it.
Howard read some e-mail feedback about the big Queef Off they had yesterday. He said that some people liked the Eye of the Tiger queef song they used during the event. Howard said that was a Dan the Song Parody Man creation. He played the song again and had Robin laughing.
Howard mentioned that Artie is out sick today. He was fine last night when he called Howard. Howard played the voice mail he played first thing this morning where Artie says he's going to be out sick after throwing up. Robin said that it doesn't sound right that he got sick so quickly.
Howard said that he has been named the most unsexiest man. He said that this is a new report according to JD. The list was on AOL according to the reporter who gave the report. The guy said that it was no surprise that Howard was on the list. He replayed the clip where the guy mentions him and then says that one of the guys from Grey's Anatomy is on the list. Howard goofed on the guy's delivery and did an impression of him.
Benjy told Howard that AOL only gave a list of 11 guys to vote on so they kind of fixed the whole thing. Howard said he had to go to break after that. He said they have a guy calling in to talk about some DJ that trashed him at a radio event. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that story reminds him of when he first started out in the business and got screwed over before he moved to WNBC. He said that he was getting like $40,000 or so and they didn't want to give him anymore money. He said that they paid The Greaseman the big money instead of giving it to the guy who had the huge ratings. Robin said that they're crying about Howard leaving the business now. Howard said that CBS has dropped 12 percent in profits thanks to him leaving. He thinks that if he went back to terrestrial radio they'd pay him twice what SIRIUS is paying him. He said that will never happen though because he's not going back to regular radio, ever.
Howard said he didn't do that to hurt the radio station, he did it to better himself. He said that they weren't fighting the FCC about the fines and they even threatened to fire him if he did get fined by the FCC. He refused to sign anything though.
Howard said that everyone was panicked about the FCC and they were doing anything they could to save themselves. Howard said it was ridiculous what they were asking him to do back then. He said he had no reason to be loyal to terrestrial radio after all of that stuff. He said that radio is never going to be the same now that he's gone. It's just going to get worse. He brought up this reinvented Imus thing they're doing and he doesn't think that he's going to get any ratings. He never had big ratings and they fired two guys who had bigger ratings than Imus ever did to put him back on the air.
Howard said that he was number 1 in Philadelphia for like 15 years in a row and now he's heard that they were bad mouthing him at some radio award ceremony down there. Howard had a guy on the phone by the name of Brett who was there at the award show. Brett said that he runs a station in South Jersey that's non-commercial. He said he works at a college. He said that John Debella was up for a lifetime achievement award at the show. Howard and Robin talked about how they chased him out of radio after they were on for a few years.
Brett said that this guy Pierre Robert got up on stage and introduced John Debella and talked about this black cloud that came into town and ruined the whole thing. Brett said the guy was talking about Howard like he was a terrorist attack or something. Brett said that it sounded like someone turned the amp off during his speech and the audience just remained silent. John Debella then got up and didn't mention Howard's name at all. Howard said of course he didn't, he was accepting an award for himself.
Howard said that they met John in person after all of that stuff and he seemed like a very nice man. You don't bring up Howard Stern's name during an event when the guy is accepting an award. That was the worst time in Debella's career and you don't bring that up.
Howard said that it must have been entertaining at least. Brett said he didn't think that anyone would do something like that but it was entertaining to him. Howard said he was on fire back then in Philly and it was like war. Robin said that Debella got the A-bomb when they went in there. Howard said that he was always told that he could never syndicate into another market and become number 1. He did it in a bunch of markets. Imus never would have been syndicated if it wasn't for him. He said that Imus will probably die soon, based on the way he looks, and his show won't last long on WABC.
Howard said that Imus is a stupid ass and went on to play some audio of the program manager at WABC talking about the changes that are coming soon. He was being interviewed about how Imus never got the kind of ratings that Curtis and Kuby got. The guy said that he thought the show was great and they did beat Imus in some of the demographics. He thinks that they can bring some of those people over to the station when they bring Imus in. The guy was also saying that he doesn't think that they'll have problems getting advertisers when Imus starts.
Robin said that Howard had to stop that clip because she was bored with it. Howard said he could listen to it all day long and he'd already heard some of it. JD said there was another clip that he might want to play where this guy talks about how Imus may have a person of color on his staff when he starts there. The guys spent a short time on that.
Howard said that some people, like Heather Mills, are such assholes that they complain about the temperature of their water. Melrose said that there are some votes going on today but Howard said he doesn't have time to do that today. Melrose also had a suggestion for the writers's strike that's going on now but Howard cut him off and hung up on him.
Howard said that he can't believe that Leno and Letterman can't do their shows without writers. Robin said that they might be in the writer's guild themselves so that might be why they're not doing their shows. She said that they do win awards as writers when their shows are up for awards.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw that Henry Hill's restaurant, Wise Guys, caught fire this morning. Howard said that has to be kind of suspicious because that kind of stuff happens in Goodfellas. The caller said that the story was all over channel 8 news this morning.
Howard had Fred doing his Imus impression when they talked about some of the stuff he used to say about Robin back when they worked at WNBC together. Howard also played some clips of Sal the Stockbroker going out and interviewing some people about Imus being hired at WABC.
Howard had some new voice mails from Wendy the Retard who has been doing a lot of this Freddy Kruger impression lately. He said he thinks that she's actually scared out of her mind from watching these movies and she's consumed with him.
Howard said that Double A is also ready to end his association with the show because he's not getting enough time on the air. He played his voice mail where Double A says that he's not being treated right. He asked to be booked to do the show so he can talk to Howard and the gang.
Howard asked Gary what's going on with that. Gary said that Double A is complaining that he's the only Wack Packer who has to pay for his radio and they never put him through on the air. Gary said that he probably doesn't know that he's got nothing interesting to say and that's why they don't put him on. He thinks that he's feeling threatened and he's ready to cancel his subscription over it. Howard told Gary to let him call in tomorrow and he'll find out what his problem is. he said he thinks that Double A should cancel his subscription though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's kind of sick of hearing about Imus and maybe he shouldn't talk so much about him. Howard said that the guy might be right, he might have to stop talking about him and just let him go away. Robin said that he shouldn't limit himself in any way.
The caller asked if there is anything interesting about Imus. Howard said the only thing interesting about him is that people keep hiring him.
Sal said that he says things in anger that he regrets later and that's what he did to Artie last week. Robin said that Sal is a bad fighter because he causes more damage in his fight instead of making things better. Howard asked Sal it if twas tough seeing Artie in the halls there. Sal said it's like having family that doesn't talk to you. He said he loves Artie and they've had good times together.
Sal said he went home and talked to his wife about this whole thing and said that he knows he screwed up. Howard asked Sal if he had any gigs coming up with Artie. Sal said he didn't but Richard did. Richard has been taken off the Cleveland gig though.
Howard asked Sal if he thinks that things will be fixed eventually. Sal said he thinks they will because Artie has a big heart. Sal said that things are so fucked up and he wasn't trying to make great radio and lose a great friend. He said that it may have been great radio but it wasn't worth it to him to lose a great friend. Howard and Robin both think that he'd do the same thing again if he had the chance.
Robin said that she knew a woman who lost her father and figured her mother was never going to date again because he was the love of her life. She was out dating within 6 months. Howard said he knows that he's going to be gross when he's 80 but he doesn't think that he'll be able to bang another 80 year old. He said that Clint Eastwood is banging a younger woman who really isn't all that hot. He said that she is younger but not a really hot chick. Robin said that even Hugh Hefner can't get the girls in the magazine anymore at his age. He's got a nice looking wife but not a Playboy model.
Howard said he doesn't buy that his father is still banging his mother at his age. He said that's what that public service announcement makes it seem like could still be happening. He said he thinks that his mother doesn't even want to do that stuff and she's told him that in the past. She won't admit it on the air though. He said that he remembers finding his father's rubbers and stuff and he bought in bulk. He said that he must have been banging her a lot or he had a girlfriend on the side. He said it's all so creepy just to think about it.
Howard said he saw his parents holding hands when they went out to eat the other night. He was doing an impression of his parents while he talked about that.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he had a client who was 78 years old and turning tricks at the old age home. He said that the older people are still having pre-nups made up even when they get old. He said that they give some weird demands in the pre-nups and even include how many sex acts they're supposed to get.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he and Beth had a kid, would the kid work it's way out of the hobgoblin race. Howard said that if they did have a kid, the kid would probably be huge. Both he and Beth are really tall and the kid would probably end up being 6'3'' tall. He said he'd love her just the same but she'd probably be a freak. He said his 3 daughters are very attractive but he'd be afraid of having some kid turn out to have the worst of his genetics. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Benjy was telling him that he thinks that he could probably walk 26 miles in less time than Katie Holmes ran it. He said he thinks that he could keep that walk up for that time but he's not sure anyone would care. Howard told him to screw it, it's not worth it. Robin asked if Beth still wants to run it. Howard said she does and maybe Robin should run it with her. Robin said maybe she should train to do that. Howard said that she may not know that she has to eat a lot to be able to last that long.
Howard said that Rolling Stone came out with the hardest rock and roll trivia thing ever and Jon Hein got 38 out of 50 but he wasn't able to get any. Gary said that there are actually 57 questions and it's called the ''Almost Impossible Rock and Roll Quiz.''
Gary read off some of the questions to Howard and he was able to answer one. He went through a couple more and Howard tried to get the answers. He did know some of the answers, as long as they were about The Beatles. He was able to get a few others since they were multiple choice. Robin thought he was cheating but he said he wasn't and didn't have a cheat sheet or anything like that.
Howard started to fall off as the questions got harder. Howard gave up and had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview.
Howard played the voice mail that Artie left about being sick. He said that he doesn't know any adults who throw up all the time. He hasn't thrown up since he was like 7. Howard went off on Artie about his claims of not having eaten stuff on this diet. Now they have proof that he's not sticking to the diet. Howard said that Artie should have fallen off a few pounds after starting the diet but no one had noticed any weight loss.
Howard played more of the voice mail and goofed on Artie some more about his claims of this diet making him sick. Fred started doing an impression of Artie in that sick voice of his. He said he sounds like a motorboat. Then they threw in some vomiting sounds to go along with it.
Steve said they have a behind the scenes thing with Jim Forbes who will be narrating the History of Howard Stern special that starts on December 17th. Howard said that Artie thing gives them some message there. Howard played a song parody that Sal had created about Artie and his weight and eating.
Steve said they have another auction going on for the chance to sit in the studio. The bids are up to $42,000 already. Steve said that High Pitch Eric may be thrown out of his apartment again because the house is up for sale. High Pitch is still working and has been doing so for 8 weeks now.
Howard said that they have a preview of the Miss Howard Stern Show up on HowardStern.com.
Howard asked Penny for her thoughts on Steve Langford but she didn't want to get into that today. Shuli came in and said that he once recorded a fight between Penny and Steve and played it for Gary. Gary refused to play it on the air because he thought it was too brutal and personal.
penny said that she actually loves Steve and has no problem with him. Penny went on to say that she gets a 5% commission on the sale of the apartment but she has to share that with a broker and stuff like that so she's lucky if she makes $12,000.
Penny asked Robin if she wanted her to help her out with her apartment search. Robin said she'd listen to her. Penny said that Gayle King just bought a place in her apartment. Shuli brought up some more stuff about Penny hating Steve but Penny didn't want to get into that stuff. She said she can't remember why she hates him so much. Shuli said he can. He said that Penny didn't like the way Steve worked and did things so she'd get pissed at him. Steve said he barely works with Howard though so he's not sure why she thinks he's trying to kiss his ass. Penny said that Steve is definitely a hard worker and he did work harder than her.
Robin said that Penny is trying to hustle some work so she must be working hard. Penny said that she would be the best broker for her and she can help her find something. Sal came in and said that Penny really did stink as a news reporter and reminded Howard about the interview that Penny did with Ronnie thinking that she was talking to his wife Bonnie. It was just Ronnie doing a woman's voice. Howard played that and the guys got a few laughs out of that clip. Howard said that maybe Sal was right, reporting wasn't for Penny.
Howard wished Penny luck with her real estate career and let her go. Shuli said he's going to try and make her cry today, just for old times sake. He followed her out as she was leaving.
JD said that he and Beth had e-mailed each other and talked about the beer pong thing and that's when he told her that he'd be her partner if the game broke out. Howard told JD that he's Beth's partner, not him.
Steve wrapped up his news preview and then Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He said that they'll talk about Artie being out sick and everything going on around that. They'll also talk about KC's call to the show and also the ''When I See Beth Smiling'' song that they talked about earlier. Howard played the new version of the song and wrapped up with the Wrap Up.
Howard said that he hasn't seen Jon Hein playing much chess lately. Jon said he's seen that Howard is playing a lot. Howard said that he has been playing and doing okay. He said that not one guy there plays and he finds that kind of odd. He let out a fart around that time and gave an oops! as he did it.
Howard had High Pitch Eric on the phone and he said that he wasn't being evicted, his landlord is selling the house and he has to find another one. He said that he'd like to play Howard in a game of chess but he's only rated at 700. Howard said that he's in the 1600s and he's not going to play against him. He said he'd never play him online because he can cheat. He said that makes no sense at all to him and he can't imagine doing something like that.
Howard made the flash cards himself, well, he had Laura and the guys who work for him make them. He said that he was doing it himself but it was taking a tremendous amount of time so he had to have someone help him out. Howard said that Ralph has no passion for anything and that's why he doesn't do stuff like this. Ralph said that there's a difference between an obsession and a passion and Howard is obsessed. Howard said that he just finds the game fascinating and that's why he's doing this. He said he enjoys the chess and he likes playing.
Howard talked about the flash cards he has and how he can't carry them with him all the time because they're so big. He said that he may bring the in to show them to Robin though. Howard said that there are people out there who enjoy doing stuff like playing golf and sucking at it but when he gets into something, he gets into it hard core. He's in it to win and that's why he gets so intense about it.
Howard said that Robin gives up on all of her hobbies. She gave up on her horses, her race car driving and all of that. Robin said she hasn't given up, she just isn't close to the horses now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching the Miss Howard Stern Show on Howard TV last night. He said he was annoyed by her giggling in the transitions. He said if they didn't have that, they'd have a perfect show. Howard said he likes that part and it only lasts about a second.
Robin got into her news after that. She brought up the writer's strike that's going on now and how it's shutting down a few shows like Letterman, Leno, Kimmell, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Howard said that he agrees that these writers are the driving force behind these shows but maybe the networks don't know what kind of worth the shows are going to have if they try and sell them on the internet.
Robin read one story about a girl who was born with 4 arms and 4 legs which led to some joking around about that. Howard said that's not a person, it's a caterpillar.
Howard and Robin talked about breast feeding after she read a report on that. Howard said that he was just talking to his mother about that the other day and told her that she robbed him of something by not breast feeding. He said that she told him that she didn't know back then and didn't know that it was so important back then.
Robin finished up her news and Howard gave a shout out to Artie saying he hopes he feels better, wherever he may be. He ended the show around 10:55am.
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Howard started off the show saying he was filling Artie in on a few things. He was back after being out a day. Artie said he was feeling better today than he was yesterday. Robin said he did look weak today though. Howard said that some people were saying that Artie sounds like Snufalufagus from Sesame Street when he calls in sick. He didn't think that was the case but played a comparison. He played Artie's voice mail to Gary yesterday and then a Snufalufagus clip that really didn't sound like Artie at all.
Howard wondered who came up with that. Artie said that he does that character in his stand-up act so maybe someone got it from that. He did some of the impression and it did sound like the voice he does in his act. Howard said it's really not Artie at all. He said he feels bad for even playing it.
Howard said that a lot of people called in saying that they think that Artie is back on drugs. They did have a good laugh about him blaming his diet on him being sick. Artie said he was just joking around with that in the voice mail. Howard didn't realize that. Robin said she kind of got that from him.
Howard said that the news department caught Artie out at a McDonalds with a bag of food on him. Artie said that was hilarious when they showed him the picture. Artie said that was a large coke with a lot of ice. He said he hasn't eaten since then though. He said that he had two cheeseburgers and a large coke but no fries. He said that he was at the counter and there were people hovering over him with cell phone cameras and he knew he was going to be busted. He said that it was like Paparazzi buzzing around him taking pictures of him eating.
Howard said that Steve Langford came in and revealed the picture to them. Robin said that it could have been a salad in the bag but even Artie said he wouldn't go there for a salad. He said they all look like they've been in Richard's back pocket for a month.
Howard said they could have an astronaut plant it for them, they don't even need a big crew to do it. He and the guys spent a few minutes talking about what they could do to get something up there and made it sound very simple. Howard said that the moon isn't needed anyway and he's talked about blowing it up in the past. He said it's so unnecessary that we could do without it.
The guys mentioned how Arnold Schwarzenegger had once said ''fuck the bees'' when asked about them disappearing. That led to the guys talking about the bees and some specials they've seen on TV about them. Artie saw a special on PBS recently and he's getting scared about it. Howard said that the bees are going out and not finding their way back now. He saw that they think that the bees are getting confused by some kind of pesticide that's making it impossible for them to come back to the hives. They just go off and disappear.
Artie said that the Chinese are going out and pollinating plants one by one to keep their stuff going. They have to create the pollen first and then go out and pollinate the crops. He wondered who was going to do this in this county. Howard said he hasn't lost any sleep over it at this point but he is worried about it.
Howard asked the caller how long the band has been together. He said that they've been doing it for about a decade but only seriously for about 5 years. They won't go on a show like ''America's Next Rock Band'' but the guy said that he has some integrity. Artie told the guy that sometimes you have to do stuff like that even if the shows seem lame. They can get you some notice.
Howard told the guy, Nick, that they obviously have some talent and it's tough to make it in the record business. He said that Britney Spears has a big hit album right now and sold 350,000 copies in the first week. The Eagles, on the other hand, have sold over 700,000 records at Wal-Mart but they don't report album sales like other stores do. They don't bother reporting to Sound Scan because they're just in it to make money.
Artie asked Nick if he and his band wanted to play the Tower Theater on New Year's Eve this year. He's doing a show there and he wanted them to play that song there. He said that this is the Howard Stern Show helping out the guys. They're right down in the Philly area so they'll be close to the place. Artie said that they'll get paid and he'll take care of them. Nick said that they have five albums worth of originals that they can play there too. Howard put him on hold after that.
Artie said that he was up for this movie ''Boat Trip'' and was up for the lead in that. He said if he had gotten that he probably wouldn't have gotten on this show. So Artie said that he got a great offer to do a part in this new Jennifer Aniston movie. He said he went over without reading the sides that he had and stopped at McDonalds first. He said he read the sides in the waiting room of the audition and thinks that he nailed it. He said that they must have thought that he was going through a nervous breakdown or something. He said that he was supposed to be nervous and panicky in the scene so maybe it'll work out for him.
Artie said that he thought that all of the stuff he did was just okay but he left satisfied. He got all sad after that and then went home. He got all nauseous when he went home. He had fasted the day before too so the McDonalds all came up. He said that he puked like 2 times and then called the doctor. The doctor told him to call him if he's still puking the next day. He said the doctor was going to give him a huge physical if that was still happening.
Howard said that he hasn't puked in many years. Artie said that he woke up at 3 in the morning and puked again so he went to the hospital the next day. His doctor checked him out and did a 4 hour physical on him. He said that he had a prostate exam and that was fine. He said that he's supposed to do that stuff every year now that he's 40. He said he's worried about the blood thing and his liver though. Artie said that he's supposed to get his results today. Artie said that he's kind of worried about his liver and the results he's going to get on that.
Howard said that Artie had called him the other night while he was watching Dancing with the Stars. Artie said he was trying to bond with Howard so he checked it out. Artie said that he had called Howard well after he'd thrown up though. Howard said he sounded fine at the time.
Artie had told Howard that there was nothing gay about watching that show after he saw the hot chick on there. Then he changed the channel when he saw Marie Osmond dancing. Howard said there are some hot chicks on that show and it's the most heterosexual show on TV. Howard said he never really watches the whole show though. He fast forwards through a lot of it.
Howard said he likes watching The Biggest Loser too and most of those people come in really fat and eventually get to be skinny twigs. It's fun to watch some of the chicks become hot. He said that the results are miraculous and he thinks that they take a few months to do this stuff. He said that just for them to lose 9 pounds takes forever though. He told Artie he might be inspired if he watched the show and the results of the weight loss.
Howard said that he thinks that Artie could lose a lot of weight if he just cut out that McDonalds stuff. He said that he should get a trainer and just do his thing. Artie said that he has Jillian Grace's number and she's doing training now but he's not sure if it's worth it to fly her there and rent her a condo for a month. He said that she lives out in Missouri or something. Howard kept telling him that she's out in Pennsylvania or something but Gary confirmed that she's out in Missouri.
Artie said he's very nervous about the results today. Howard said that he's probably going to be told he's healthy as a horse but that doesn't mean that he can go back to eating. Artie said that he took a stress test yesterday and he did so horribly that he had to stop in the middle of it. He said he was hooked up to all of this equipment and he had to jog for 10 minutes but didn't make it past 4. The doctor told him he's a big mess after that.
Artie said his big article is coming out in next month's Playboy but he's in a preview in the current issue. He said that chick Kim Kardashian chick is in there and she's really not attractive. He and Howard both agreed that she's really not that hot. They spent a minute on that.
Howard had Sal and Richard come in so he could say what he wanted to say. Richard showed up first and said that Sal might be taking a shit. Howard said that he'd take a break first then and they'd get to this later. Howard wondered why Sal would come to work and take a shit like that. Richard said he had a newspaper under his arm when he went in there so he was prepared for a long shit. Howard said he heard that Sal does that every day there. He thinks that Sal could do that at home and not bring it to work with him.
Howard said he does try to hide his shits from Beth but yesterday he had to tell her that he had to go so she could clear the room. He said that's the first time that's really happened. He said he wasn't happy about that and he's managed to time it so he can flush as it's coming out of him but there's still a stink. Artie said that he used to play some rock music when he'd do that or jerk off when he was living at home.
Howard figured that Artie was taking multiple dumps every day but Artie said he really only takes one a day. Howard asked where Sal was. He showed up a few seconds later and apologized for taking a dump. Howard told him to do that at home and stop doing it there every day. Sal said he's trained to do it every day at the same time but Howard told him to take it back home.
Howard asked Sal how he wipes and stuff. Sal said that he just uses paper and goes up the asshole with his pinkie. Sal said that he's never had a hemorrhoid before in his life so he must be doing something right.
Howard said that this Artie thing could go right or horribly wrong. He turned the microphone over to Artie and let him do his thing. Sal was having problems with his ass hurting after his shit but Richard didn't think that he had washed his hands. Sal made him smell them before Artie got started.
Artie got to his thing and said that he heard a replay of some of the Wrap Up show and thinks that Jason is really getting beat up over all of this stuff. He said that Jason is just trying to get by and he's just doing things for the show and that's the way the show works. He said that Jason just added to the great radio they did and he wants to get him off the hook.
Artie said that he can see that they can't move on until they get this resolved. He doesn't think it's a funny thing, it's very serious. He said that he's never going to be able to forget some of the stuff that Sal said about him. He said he felt he saw the real guy when he was going off on him about his career and how he'll never have kids because of heroin and the drugs will cause him to have retarded looking kids and stuff like that. He said that Sal goofing on him about his father falling off the roof isn't all that funny either. He said that Sal comparing his phony phone calls to his movie that he worked on for four years is ridiculous. He said that kind of insult to the insult of him saying that they repeat their phony phone calls is out of line.
Artie said that stuff was big but the stuff he said was in reaction to that stuff. He said that him throwing stuff is what he has to apologize for. He said he's willing to call it even at this point. Artie said he has to apologize to Howard for throwing stuff because that was out of line. It was very immature behavior but he was red with anger at that time.
Artie said that talking to Sal sometimes is like talking to someone who isn't that bright. He said that Sal comparing his movie about Robin's meats and vegetables to his Beer League movie is just dumb and he got red with anger over that. Howard said that this isn't going very well and he's still calling Sal not so bright. Artie said he can't move on until he gets all of this out.
Sal asked Howard to please stop interrupting. Artie said he knows that Sal and Richard are smart and they're there for a reason. Howard knows what he's doing and he wants them there. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Howard said it does because he has to work there with them. Artie said he's sorry about the throwing stuff but he also thinks that these guys talking behind his back is really lame. He said that when they complained about that stuff on the Wrap Up Show, everyone knew what they thought about him. He can't trust them if he's going to go behind his back.
Artie said that Jason shouldn't be held responsible for what went down because he was just helping the show by adding stuff to the argument. Artie said if these guys can agree to not talk behind his back again, and just come to him instead, he'll be fine. He said that he may have said some fucked up things to Sal and Richard but he says them to their faces.
Howard asked Artie if he still thinks that he hates Sal. Artie said that he does have a problem with Sal and it's going to take time for it to go away. He thinks that what he said was real and if he really feels that way on any level, then he can't like him. He said that it would be very tough to like someone who thinks that way about him. He said he's not sure how he could have liked him before after what he said.
Artie said that what Sal said about him was really well thought out. He said that Richard comes off as a loveable little hayseed but then he talks about him being two faced in the back office. Artie said that if he was treated like they get treated, he'd quit. He said that he makes like 10 times as much as they do and he feels that he's still underpaid and that they're overpaid. He said that they come in and act like idiots when they do their thing. He said that he's more talented than them and that's why he makes the kind of money he does. He's sick of being walked all over the way they do. He said that he deserves the kind of money he makes and he's not on the same level that they are. He said that maybe one day they'll get better but he doesn't care either way.
Artie said that if Sal and Richard want to be treated the way he's treated, then they have to work harder and make it to where he's made it. He said that he's smarter and funnier than them and that's just the way it is. He said he's just being honest and saying this stuff to their faces. He said he's done stand-up on the road with them before and he knows for a fact that he's better than them.
Artie said that they said some evil, nasty things to him and he has to vent about this. He said he wants them to say stuff to his face if they have something to say about him. He just doesn't want them going behind his back and talking about it. He said that's the biggest problem he has. Artie said that he'll try and watch what he says about them on the air if they'll agree to say stuff to his face.
Artie said that they can take that offer and move on from there. He said he thinks that they can shake hands and move on if they can just agree to that stuff. Artie said that this is hard for him because they remind him of himself when he was first starting out in the business. He said that talking about him behind his back is really, really hurtful to him. That's why they had the big blow up last week.
Howard let Artie talk for a few minutes before he said a word. Artie vented his stuff and told Sal and Richard that they are funny and they deserve the jobs they have. He said that he knows he has a great job there on the show and he won't be as great doing whatever he does because this show is so great. He said that he doesn't feel he's any better than these guys on a personal level but on a professional level he does. He said that he's treated very well because of that. He said he would never fuck Sal's wife though and he doesn't hope that they get AIDS and die. He hopes that they live long lives.
Artie said that everything is off his chest at this point and he wants to let Sal and Richard get stuff off their chests. Robin said that they might need a day to think about it. Sal said that he didn't need to think about it. Fred told him that he might want to think about what he's going to say right now. He told Sal that he might want to think long and hard before he says a word. Sal said that he doesn't need time to think about it but Howard said he was going to take some phone calls. Gary told Howard to let Sal talk.
Sal said that he's very happy that Artie is giving them an opportunity to develop a friendship again. He said that Artie has been very good to them before and he knows that they should have gone to him instead of doing the stuff they did. Sal said he knows that things snowballed and he shouldn't have gone off on him the way he did. He kept it all in until it all came out at once. He said that the things Artie has said about his kids wasn't real and he didn't take it seriously. Sal said that Artie is absolutely right and he won't go behind his back and do that stuff. Artie told him to just do it on the air with him so they can do a bit or something, just don't talk about him behind his back. Sal said that Artie's offer was a very magnanimous thing to do. He had some trouble with the word so Artie told him to just say ''good thing'' instead of using the word.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Artie is a big baby and he's being ridiculous about this stuff. Another caller said that this has turned into a fag fest and they all suck. One guy told Artie to do a big bag of dope and just end it already.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Artie came off really bad there and it sounds like he's saying that Sal and Richard aren't funny and he is but then told them that they are funny. Howard said he heard it differently and he was just saying that they're not really equals on the show. Artie said that he is treated better than them because he's up a few rungs on the show business ladder than they are.
Howard took some more phone calls and one woman said that she can hear Hallmark knocking on his door soon after hearing his explanation. She said that she agrees with Artie about what he thought but thought that was pretty funny that he thought it was some kind of peace offering.
Another caller said that you put Artie on a diet and he won't shut the fuck up. The caller said that Artie's been whining for the past week. Another guy said that Artie is correct but Sal is a big man for stepping up the way he did today. Melrose Larry Green said that Jessica Hahn is out of her mind and Artie was right with what he did. Another caller said that Artie is absolutely right and he's the fuckin' man for saying what he said to those assholes.
Captain Janks asked Artie if his mother had anything to do with this. Artie said that his mother was upset that he threw something but she didn't have anything to do with this peace offering thing. Janks still thinks that they should box.
Howard asked Richard for his thoughts on all of this. Richard said he wanted to thank Artie for this and he was really upset about what had gone on. He started to break down and said that he felt bad about the whole thing with Jason. He said he felt really bad because Artie had given him a gift that day. He said that he'll definitely go to Artie if he has a problem with him in the future. His voice was quivering as he told Artie how much he loves him and how he hopes to be able to get to where Artie is in his career. He said that he really admires him for how far he's gotten in his career like when he's on Letterman. Artie quickly mentioned that he'll be on Letterman again on November 12th.
Howard brought up the gay stuff that Richard talked about the other day on the Wrap Up Show that made him sound kind of gay. Howard said that Richard admires Brad Pitt and Artie at the same time. Richard said that he admires anyone who has worked hard and made it big. He said that he admires everyone there on the show, even Scott the Engineer and Ronnie. Howard and the guys found that kind of funny. Richard said that everyone there loves what they do and that's why he looks up to them.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and asked Artie if he's going to let Richard go to the gig he has in Cleveland. Artie said that he'd take him back if he wants to come out there with him. Richard said that he'd be honored to be there. Artie said that the crowd loves these guys even if they don't do a long thing up on stage. Howard asked if Sal will ever work with him up on stage. Artie said that they definitely will. Sal said that he can't do the Cleveland date but he would be honored to do other shows with him. Sal said he can't make it to the Cleveland thing because he has some family thing coming up.
Artie told Sal and Richard that they have to learn to suppress their anger like Robin, Fred and Howard have learned to do. Robin said that she's vented on the show and has crushed them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Howard is a genius for doing all of this. Sal joked that Howard had sent him an email the night before the big fight and told him to come in and tell Artie that Beer League sucked. Dominic said he wasn't trying to say that Howard would do something like that, he just thinks that this is a great show. He also asked Robin if they discussed that stuff when they went out the other night. Robin said they didn't do that at all.
Sal asked Artie if they could go out to dinner or something to get back to where they were before. Richard wanted to be left out of that, it wasn't his idea, it was all Sal. Artie said that he's fine with that and of course he'd do that. Howard said that means that Artie is going to be paying for another dinner if they do this.
Howard asked if they all wanted to hug after all of this. Artie went into his Godfather impression and said he would hug them. It was an extremely gay show today with the guys breaking down and crying and now hugging. They all hugged in the middle of the studio. Sal said that he told Artie he's an asshole and he's sorry about all of that. Richard went in for his hug and Artie said he smelled pumpkin and shit at the same time. Howard said it looked like Artie was in pain hugging those guys. Artie said that it seems they've worked things out now. Howard said they can now get back to the hard work of making penis jokes.
Howard said he was surprised that Artie was up for the hug. Artie said he was being dead honest during his speech, even if he came off as kind of pompous. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this is all sickening and what Artie did was phony. She didn't like what he did and thinks that he didn't have to say that he was better than them. Artie said he was just being honest. He said that show business is a rare thing and some people can't pull off being self congratulatory. He said that Howard is one guy who can do it but he may have had some trouble pulling it off himself.
Robin said that she's not going to allow anymore pictures to be taken after that. She said that's just crazy and they obviously don't check their pictures.
Lisa said that Shuli spoke to the fan who took the picture of Artie out on the street with the McDonalds bag in his hand. Artie said that the guy made him do a reshoot of that picture because the first picture didn't come out.
Howard said he heard that Lisa was wearing a black thong yesterday but he wasn't sure how he knew that. He asked Ronnie to come in and tell them about that. Ronnie said that Lisa was sitting in Scott's studio and saw her wearing jeans and it was showing. He said that a little white stuff was showing. She said that it was actually leopard print. She was blushing as she talked about it. Howard said that he's surprised that she wears a thong. It must make her feel sexy or something. She said she likes feeling good like that so it makes her feel both.
Howard said that both of the girls were coming out with that stuff. Ronnie said that he turned away when he saw it and didn't stare too long. He said that it looked like she hadn't tucked in her shirt the way she usually does and it was a good portion of the thong that was showing. He didn't see any cheek or anything but almost saw some ass crack. He said that she was bending over the desk and making comments about Howard as always. Positive comments of course.
Howard said that she had to know that her thong was sticking out, every woman does. Ronnie said he didn't think she did because she's always tied up tight and not showing anything. Artie said that he and Lisa would get along because he's been compared to a panther in bed.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said that the guy who took the picture said Artie asked him if he was going to send the picture to the Howard 100 News tip line. He was very gracious and let him take that picture. Howard asked Artie if he's really on a diet. Artie said that he's definitely eating less than he used to, that's all he'll say.
Lisa said that she spoke to two band members from The Zs which was something that Howard had played on the air yesterday. Artie missed it so Howard played some of it for him. Howard said it's not even music. The guys had even created a Baba Booey song parody to one of their songs so Howard quickly played that as well.
Lisa said that the guys in that band have been taking music lessons since they were kids and the music is supposed to challenge them about what they know about music. They also claim that they get paid very well when they go out on the road with that act. Howard said that they're all going to play something and create something just like their songs. Everyone talked about what they wanted to play. Gary is going to play Trumpet and everyone else picked various instruments to play. Robin said that she could be the lead singer in that band.
Lisa said she thinks that music is hard to play but Howard said it's really not. Lisa asked Fred if it's really hard and Fred said that it is, but why would you want to?
Lisa said that they have a new Page 69 report about the cake that Howard gave Artie for his birthday. Teddy was apparently running around begging people to eat it so he wouldn't have to take it back to Artie's apartment. Artie said he finished about 1/4 of that cake in 3 days or so and that's scary. He said he told Teddy to go around and ask everyone to eat it and just bring back what he had left. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Howard said that he has another one where Jim calls and asks Red to find his friend Stu Pitt and gets yelled at again. Artie laughed his ass off at that one. Howard said that he had a bunch of others to play and he'd get to them later.
Howard had Jim on the phone and asked him when he did these tapes. Jim said that he used to do them when he was like 18-20 years old. He said that he and a friend of his would make the calls. He and his friend met in a band and they'd make phone calls after band practice. They'd share the tapes between 20-30 people or so.
Jim said that this bar, the Tube Bar, was a place where you'd always see some kind of commotion going on and people being thrown out on the street and stuff. He said that they used to make these calls all the time and ran across this guy Red accidentally. He said that they had never seen Red before but they did go down to see him at the bar one time.
Howard asked if they ever went to the bar before they made the calls. They didn't go until after they made the calls. He said they thought about telling him who they were but then decided against it. Jim said that the guy was a big, tough guy and he may have been a boxer at one point.
Howard said that Jim used to play the tapes for their friends and then they got released on the internet somehow. Jim said they worked for Warner Brothers over in Secaucus in the warehouse and one of the guys who visited must have taken the tapes and started to spread them around. He said they're still not sure how it happened.
Jim said that they didn't know what was going on until he saw Kurt Loder on MTV talking about the tapes during a news report. It was probably 1992 when he first heard about it and they were making the calls way back in 1975 or so. They made these tapes back before the internet was around but they were spreading even before that on tape. Howard said that they probably could have made a fortune by selling them on their own. Jim said they tried to do that with an indie record label. They released some of them and Red was already dead so they didn't even have to get his permission.
Howard asked Jim about the remastered tapes and then played another one of the calls to Red. Jim said they probably have 1 or 2 hours of that stuff and a total of 6 or 7 hours of other calls. Howard played a couple of the calls that Jim and his friend made to Red where he goes off on them over anything they say. Jim said that they didn't have to say much to get Red going.
Howard gave Jim a plug for his web sites BumBarBastards.com and TubeBar.com. They have pictures of Red on the sites. Howard checked him out and said that Red looks like a businessman in the picture. Howard said he had to play some more of the classic calls, he wasn't even sure if they were the remastered clips.
Jim said that he's not making a lot of money on this stuff but he's hoping that after Howard helps him out he'll make something. Howard played another call where Jim and his friend call Red and keep him going for a couple of minutes. Red eventually goes off on them saying he's going to cut open their bellies so they can see the black stuff come out. They keep calling him back and ask red why he's getting so angry. Red flips out on them and threatens them.
Howard asked Jim about the bar and if he went in and stared at Red. Jim said that there were no seats in the bar so everyone had to stand. He said that Red would beat people up if they didn't drink in there either. He said that Red had to sit in his seat overlooking the whole bar and he'd have to get out of the chair to answer the phone.
Howard played another one of the calls where Jim calls up and asks Red to find his buddy Clint Torres for him. Red calls out the name but no one answered. Artie asked if there ever was a guy by the name they asked for there. Jim said that they had to make up names and there were never any women allowed in the bar. Artie started to laugh his ass off when he heard one call where Jim asked for Mike Untstinks and Red yells it out to the bar.
Jim told Howard about another one where he asked for Rufus Leakin but he never got that one on tape. He said that people thought he was yelling out that his roof was leaking and ignored him. That got Robin laughing pretty hard.
Howard played some more clips and Artie asked him a few questions. Jim said that Red passed away in 1985 or so after selling the bar for like a million bucks and moving to Florida. Artie said that place doesn't even exist anymore as far as he knows.
Howard gave Jim some more plugs for his web sites and then took some phone calls. One guy said that he's been listening to these tapes for like 20 years now. He talked about some of his favorites and then played another one where they asked to talk to Pepe Roni and Red calls out the name in the bar.
Artie said that the guys in the Jerky Boys sold like 5 million records. Jim said he knows that and they came in much later on. Captain Janks said that this guy is his hero and he's spoken to him on the phone. Jim told a story about calling Red and telling him that his bar was on fire. Red ran out and down to the bar when he got the call.
Gary asked Jim how he feels that all of those calls have been lifted by the writers on the Simpsons. Jim said he's heard that but there's not much he can do about that. Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Moe from the Simpsons was based on Red. Jim said he read n article where Matt Groening admits that the character was based on Red.
Jim said that they made up those names for the calls and that was way back in 1975. Artie thinks that he could sue over that stuff because people have sued for a lot less. Howard played one another call where Jim asks for Mike Hunt and then Joe Mana and Red calls out the names. Howard told Jim that he's a big fan of his and asked if he still tries to make calls like that. Jim said that he's not doing them anymore. He still sees his friend John though. John is sick of trying to make money with the calls now though.
Artie said that there was so much misinformation about those calls. He said that his friend Kamal from the Jerky Boys knew a lot about them though. He thought that they were making the calls in the 80s so he had no idea that they were done back in the 70s.
A caller told Howard he was reading about this guy Red on Wikipedia and the guy's name was Red Deutsch and there's a whole thing about him there. Howard gave Jim some more plugs and Jim thanked him for having him on the air today. Howard said that they all hail him for what he's done. He said that he's hoping that Jim can make some money for what he's done.
Artie told Jim that he didn't want to start anything but he should call an entertainment lawyer and ask for some money from The Simpsons for using his calls for a story line. Jim said he doesn't have any connections so he doesn't think that he'd make anything from that. Howard thanked Jim for calling in and let him go a short time later. They went to break after that.
Howard asked Robin if she knew who Danny and the Juniors were. She said she did because the first record she ever had was their song ''The Hop.'' Howard played some of that song and said that Wendy the Retard calls Richard and Jason all the time and last night she called from the Danny and the Juniors concert and left a message. She was singing that song at the concert when she made the call. Howard wondered where she gets the money to go to something like that. Artie said he pictures a Danny and the Juniors concert being an hour and a half version of that one song.
Howard said that there are few men who can dress up as a woman and look good but he pulled it off. He read that Rupaul didn't care about dressing up in drag though and he only did it as a goof. Rupaul said that he doesn't dress as a woman full time. He said that he was doing it as a gimmick back when he was in a band. He said that he liked the attention he got dressed as a woman but he wasn't really all that into it. He said that when he's in drag people pay attention to him. When he's not in drag, he would be ignored.
Rupaul said that straight men would hit on him and he'd fool around with them. He said he didn't have a lot of famous people though. Howard said that Milton Bearle once made a comment to Rupaul that was kind of rude. He was trying to be funny but he made a homophobic remark about him. Rupaul said that this has followed him for about 13 or 14 years but if he could take it back he would. He said he got carried away on TV and went off on him while they were live.
Rupaul said that his drag isn't the same kind of thing that Milton Bearle used to do. He was doing this as a gay man when Milton was doing it to poke fun. Rupaul said that he was offended by what MTV had done and they gave Milton all of the punch lines so he was upset about that. He said that he said something really rude about Milton wearing diapers. He said that it was really rude and he should have taken him off the air and said something to him instead. Howard said he thinks he knows where Rupaul was coming from and understands that stuff.
Howard figures that Rupaul must have taken a lot of crap as a kid and he got tired of taking crap from people. Rupaul said that was the case. He said that he did get teased. He said he was told he was gay by the kids in the neighborhood and was always called a sissy and stuff like that. He said that he was never in the closet or anything though. He said he never got beaten or abused but he was made fun of. He said that it didn't make him stop being who he was though.
Rupaul said that he didn't start messing around with guys for a long time. He said that black people are really weird about sex so it was tough for him and he had to figure it all out on his own. He was 18 years old before he had his first sexual encounter.
Rupaul said that he used to turn tricks and stuff in a certain area and that was where Artie had gone before so he joked around about that a little bit. Rupaul said that he once had a guy pull over and ask her to get in the car. He got in and within 2 minutes they had cops pulling them over. He said that he never got to blow that guy because he dropped her off and gave her a few bucks to go away.
Howard asked Rupaul how the whole RuPaul thing blew up. He told Howard about how that all came about and how the whole Drag thing wasn't big back then. Howard wondered how he got into the whole drag thing. Rupaul said that there were actually a few drag queens down in the Georgia area where he was living at the time. He filled Howard in on that and Howard asked if he can make money doing this stuff. He said that he can and he's out touring and performing live now. You can find out more about where he's appearing at RuPaul.com.
Rupaul said that he has been using socks for breasts but Howard thought they looked real. He said that there are tricks he can use to make them look real. He said he's up to a D-cup at this point and it all depends on his weight at the time.
Howard said that Rupaul is the kind of guy he figures as liking it in the ass. Rupaul was laughing as Howard was talking to him about being a top and stuff like that. Rupaul said that he thinks he shines more when he's in drag but he does like going back to be a man.
Howard asked Rupaul about the guys he's gone out with and stuff like that. Captain Janks called in and asked if Rupaul had ever sucked Elton John's dick. Rupaul said that they were never lovers, no. Howard said he was saying it almost as if they were and he was trying not to say anything about it.
Artie said that he may have met Rupaul back when he was working on MAD TV but he was dressed up as the woman at the time. He said he feels like it's two different people though. Artie said that they may have a mutual friend and mentioned that there was this hair stylist there who was a transsexual. Artie said that he was too shy to do anything there at the time but he thought that she was a chick. He said it's a good thing he's too shy around chicks to have asked her out or anything. Artie said that he did speak to Michelle as a woman at the time but he never jerked off to her or anything.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who asked if he's ever left mud on anyone's helmet or had any on his own. Howard said that's a good question and asked him about how they can prevent stuff like that. Rupaul laughed his ass off at that line of questioning. Rupaul said that it is an occupational hazard but you do come prepared. He said that he wears a rubber so it's not that big of a deal.
Bong Hit gave Rupaul an F, Marry, Kill game and threw out Fred, Artie and Benjy's names. Rupaul said that he loves Benjy's eyes and wants to marry him over that. He said that he feels a connection to him and Benjy said that he's straight but he does feel some kind of lovability. Rupaul said that he wanted to fuck, marry and then kill Benjy's ass.
Gary said he had a run in with Rupaul out in the green room. He said he asked Rupaul if he wanted anything to drink and Rupaul asked him if he's always that tan. He thought that was kind of odd. Rupaul said that there's a sweetness about Gary that he liked.
Artie said that there was a famous guy at MAD TV who hit on that Michelle dude at MAD TV and he's not sure if that guy got her or not. He thinks that phone numbers were exchanged though. He said the guy was really macho but didn't say who it was.
Rupaul got in a plug for her movie ''Starrbooty'' that's out on DVD now. He talked about what the movie is about and got in a couple of plugs for it. Howard quickly got back to the mud on the helmet discussion after that. They spent a short time on that and then wrapped up with Rue. He gave him a plug for his web site StarBooty.com.
Howard asked Rupaul if he wears men's underwear or if he wears women's stuff under his clothes. He said that he wears men's stuff when he's dressed as a man and wears women's stuff when he's dressed as a woman. He has a thong that keeps his junk hidden when he's dressed as a woman.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Rupaul asking him about his music and stuff like that. Rupaul said that he doesn't get any radio play so he never sold that many albums or anything. Howard said that Rupaul actually did a radio show for a while. He said that he did it for about a year but management got to him and he couldn't take it anymore.
At one point Artie broke into his Biggie Smalls impression and sang some of the song he knows. That made Rupaul laugh hysterically. Howard showed him some pictures of Benjy dressed in drag in his book Miss America. Rupaul seemed impressed by that and gave him some beauty advice before Howard wrapped up and went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who was talking to someone in his office or on another line. Howard kept asking for the guy but he was busy talking to someone else. He kept him on to hear if the conversation was more interesting than his show. The guy kept talking while Howard and Robin listened in. The guy said that he had to talk to his co-founders about something.
Howard got the guy on the line eventually so he asked him what he was doing. The guy said that he was working on a business proposal. Howard and Robin goofed on him a little bit about what he was talking about during the call. He called himself Mr. Freeze so Howard goofed on him about that a little bit as well. That also led to Artie asking Howard if he thought the George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger Batman movie was the worst. Howard said that it really was and it was too comic-bookie for him.
Howard asked Mr. Freeze what he wanted to ask Robin. He asked her if Mr. X is pissed off that Robin is thin now that he's not with her. Robin said she doesn't know but she was thin during that relationship as well. She said she didn't get thin right after she broke up either. Howard and the caller felt bad for Mr. X since she was kind of overweight at the time she was with him.
Artie said that the happiest thing that a guy can see is a chick making one of those berry drinks that Robin drinks. Howard said that he was thrilled when Beth told him that she was going to run the NYC Marathon next year. She should stay thin although he said that some runners get fat from eating so much.
Howard played clips of Dog talking about how he will never use that word again because he never wanted to be in this position that he's in. He said that he's not a racist and he would just use the word when he greets his black friends. Howard said that was a pretty thin excuse for using the word. This interview was with Sean Hannity who, Howard said, may have been giving him a break because he's buddies with Dog. Dog also said that he always did it out of love and also said that he felt that he was like a black woman. That came out of nowhere and no one was sure what he was talking about.
Dog was saying that he thought he was accepted by the black community at one point and Artie wondered where he got that idea. The guys said that everyone knows what the N-word does to black people and no one can be dumb enough to think that it's okay to use it. Howard played more of the interview and Dog talks about how he thought he had a pass with the word and that's why he used it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he watches that show all the time and the guy cries on his show all the time. He cries on every single show. He said that he was actually called Crybaby when he was in a gang. The guy also said that he and his with both watch the show and love it. He talked more about Dog breaking down and crying and once broke down and cried when he was asked if he still cries.
Another caller said that Dog was wrong to have used that word and gave a few other words that he could have used instead of that one. He said that people should get over that word already, it's just a word.
Howard played more of the interview and Dog ends up crying. Artie said that he thinks they should change the name of the show to ''Dog the nig*er Hater'' after all of this. Howard played another clip where Dog talks about how he wants to be buried with slaves. Dog said that he was visiting Washington's home in Mt. Vernon and they showed him where the slaves were buried. He said that there were no markers on the graves there and the tour guide told him how they were buried with their feet toward the Potomac so they could walk home. Dog thought about that and ''told the lord'' that he'd like to be buried there, in the center of the property. He's going to be buried on top of the black people there who have no grave stones.
Howard said that if he made some kind of racist statement like that, he would have gone on there and said that he would dig up a slave's corpse and that he was going to have sex with it. He played more of the Dog interview and goofed on him about his nutty comments about being buried with the nameless blacks at Mt. Vernon.
Artie said that it sounds like this guy is on crack hearing the stuff he's saying. Artie said he hopes that the woman who told Dog that she's going to let him be buried there was just kidding. He can't imagine that could be for real.
Howard played more of the interview and then JD came in and told Howard to play some other stuff that he had on his computer. He mumbled it out so Howard said he had no idea what the fuck he just said. Fred did his impression of JD mumbling and goofed on him for a short time. Howard played some more of the Hannity interview where he asks Dog if he's lost his job. Dog said he's been laid off and he can't do his job if he's known as a racist. He said that he's not a racist but people might think that he is. There was no point to the clip that JD had suggested Howard play so Artie asked if it was okay if he threw something at JD. Howard told him he can't do that again.
Howard said that Dog should go around setting all black prisoners free from prisons to make up for what he did. He took a call a short time later and the guy was saying that he doesn't get why people get so upset over a simple word when it all comes down to us all checking out eventually anyway. Howard also played a Daniel Carver song parody to the tune of ''I Will Always Love You'' called ''I Will Always Hate You.''
Howard said that Dog is in a big controversy just like Don Imus was. Dog may get over it eventually, just like Imus did. Howard said he should be on in the afternoons at WABC with Imus in the morning. He said that Fahrid Suleman should be able to make that happen. Artie said that they should take everyone's apology from the past few years where people had to apologize for using their racist comments. Howard played Sal's apology which was a great one. The guys all laughed as they listened to that ridiculous apology.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they should play the Yucko apology. That wasn't in audio so Howard told Sal to go back and get that from the Howard TV guys. Sal said they had Yucko apologizing to a couple of black guys after doing a comedy show. They were just goofing on Yucko at the time and just pulled a couple of guys from the audience to play the angry black guys.
Howard played a clip of Sal and Richard calling a show that they had called into a bunch of times and playing Sal's apology for her. Howard said that woman reminded him of the NPR bit they used to do on Saturday Night Live years ago.
Howard said that Sal and Richard also called that Yankees guy, Jonah Falcon, and goofed on him. He said that the guy used to call the show Yankee Talk but now that the season is over, he's switched it to Xbox 360 discussions. They called him and wanted to just talk about the Yankees. They got through a few times and threw out some Yankee questions and some sound effects that were driving the guy nuts.
Howard had Michael Richards' apology from Letterman to play. In that clip Richards was apologizing for going crazy on stage and yelling out the N-word to some audience members. The audience was laughing and Jerry Seinfeld told them to stop laughing, it wasn't funny. Richards thought that maybe it wasn't the right place to be doing that. Howard said that this was actually kind of boring and cut it off.
Steve said that they have a story about Big Foot roaming the wilds of Vermont. A fan ran into him and brought him to a hospital because his feet were bleeding and he was a mess. Steve said that they have more on Big Foot's lawsuit against his former manager as well. They have more on the History of Howard Stern special that's coming up on December 17th. Steve said that Henry Hill's restaurant, that just opened last week, already had a fire but it was saved and still intact after the small attic fire.
Howard thanked him for that and had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said that they'll be talking about Artie's comments to Richard and Sal earlier in the morning. They'll also talk about RuPaul and some of the stuff that went on during that interview. The great Jim Davidson will also be discussed during the Wrap Up Show. Howard thanked him for that and went to break.
Howard said that it has to be harder to look thin when you have big boobs like that. Robin said that is a problem, even for women like Pam Anderson who has huge boobs. Howard said he was having that conversation with Richie Notar from Nobu. Richie had seen Robin recently at the restaurant and that's why they were talking about it.
Howard said he can't wait to see what Robin looks like if she loses another 20 pounds. He wants her to go for that 20 instead of 15. Howard also asked Robin about her hair and if she ever lets it down. She always keeps it back and said she doesn't let it down. Howard said he liked it when she had short hair years ago.
Robin got into her news and brought up the 4 legged, 4 armed girl over in India who has been in the news lately. Howard said he was checking them out and thought that she looked like Doc Oc from the Spider-Man movie. He said that she could have been a star if they didn't remove all of those limbs. He said that modern science has ruined the side shows of the old days.
Howard read through some e-mail about Robin's read thong that could be seen in a picture on Howard's web site. They spent a short time on that and then moved on to some more news. Howard got back to some e-mail a short time later and said that some people were really annoyed with Shuli. He read through some of those and some people thought he was out of line for goofing on Richard the other day. Someone also wrote in and said that they know Robin's ''tell'' because she will laugh and do certain things like say ''you're being silly'' when Howard hits on the truth.
Howard said that Robin told him that he can call her off the air to ask her who she's dating. Howard said he doesn't want to do that because he'll end up talking about it on the air. Artie said that when he was out with Robin the other night, he wanted to ask her about who she's dating but didn't want her to think he was just doing it for the show. Howard said that everyone is doing it for the show. Artie said he really didn't want to do that though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was going to be giving someone a SIRIUS radio as a gift for Christmas. Howard told the guy to give it early so they can hear the history of Howard Stern special. That caller also said that he knows Artie is going to be in Boston this weekend and asked if he could give a shout out to a family member who was in town from Iraq. Artie said he could get him back stage and had him leave the name after putting him on hold.
Artie said he's doing the show with Denis Leary up there at a charity event. He said it makes for a crazy weekend for him but he wants to do it. He said he's going to be doing a show on Friday night and then doing a show up in Boston on Saturday, then getting up Sunday so he can come home and do another show on Sunday night. Howard told him he should go out and get him some heroin right now. Save him the trouble from getting it himself.
Howard said that Artie had a baseball glove with him today. He wondered if he was getting back into softball or something. Artie said that the good people at Rawlings gave him the mitt. Howard said he has a mitt but he's had it for a long time and wondered why they didn't give him one. Artie said that this one is like the best quality glove they make too. He said that he thinks it's the same one that Derek Jeter uses. Artie said he doesn't know the guy's name but they'll mention it on the Wrap Up Show. Howard wrapped up the show around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was watching the Amy Fisher porno. He told Robin that she's going to throw up when she sees it. He said that when she talks dirty it's really disturbing and doesn't sound real sincere. The husband is kind of odd looking and he's cumming on her tits and stuff. He said that they show everything and she's got kind of a big asshole and the husband has a big belly. It's just vile.
Howard said they had a cameraman there because someone was in the room filming them. The guy apparently has a lot of influence in the video because it's just gross to see this guy in it. Artie said that he thought that they were going to have Joey in that video too but Howard said that wasn't the case.
JD came in and didn't say anything so Howard asked him what was going on. JD said that he knew who the guy was that filmed it and wanted to talk about that but figured he didn't want to hear it. Howard said he is interested in that but Artie was in the middle of something. Artie went on to say that he was just saying that he thought that Joey was kind of implying that something was going on with the three of them the last time they were on the show.
Howard said that Amy's tits looked good but JD said he could see scars under them. He said you could tell that they were just making it to make a porn tape. There was nothing loving in it at all. Howard said that they were doing a shower scene and Amy was soaping up but there was hardly any soap so it was those kind of production values.
Howard said he started to gag when he saw the guy eating Amy out. He almost started to gag again when he was just thinking about it. He had some clips to play and in one you hear the husband talking about wanting to lick Amy's wet clit and it sounds like he's reading something. Howard played through a little bit of that and Amy is telling the guy to do her while the guy is saying he wants to examine her pussy. Robin thought that was funny.
In another clip Amy is taking a bath while the husband is telling her how hot she is. She asks him to shoot hot cum all over her tits but it sounded kind of forced. The guys goofed on her accent since it was such a heavy Long Island accent. Howard said it was just so gross. Howard was also making fun of the noise that Amy made when she was sucking in air.
Howard said the guy was all shaved down for the movie and Amy is jerking him off while he's looking at anything but her. Howard played more of the cum on my tits clip where Amy says that she loves tasting her daddy's cum. Robin said she was going to throw up just listening to this. She hadn't even seen the video. She said that they're sick.
JD said that there's a part in it where they're filming and you can see the kid's playset in the back yard. Amy is the mother of two kids and putting out this kind of stuff. JD told Howard about another clip where the two of them are pretending to be off camera and trying to be all loving. Amy is telling the guy he has to go somewhere so Howard said she probably has to go to court. She doesn't even remember where she was supposed to go half way through the scene.
Artie said that they sound like two of the most vile human beings of all time. Howard told him he should go back and watch a little bit of it during the break. Artie said that maybe he shouldn't. Howard played a little more of the audio and Amy is talking about the guy's big dick and her small pussy. Howard said it's not so small though. Then we hear her telling the guy to fuck her little cunt and Howard cuts it off. He gave them another plug for Amy's web site after that.
Howard said the guy isn't really huge but he's packing enough to do a porno. He said he's got nothing to be ashamed of down there. Artie said that it's just vile and that was a great way to describe it. Robin asked how old her kids are. Howard said they're probably old enough to kill themselves after seeing this video. Artie said he got embarrassed at a little league game if his parents cheered too loud. He can't imagine what this must be like.
Howard said that the sardines just look gross and it looks more like a pelican's meal than a human's. He said that his dad must be doing something right though, he's 84 years old. He said it would be funny if his father just dumped the contents of the can into his mouth. Artie said that Italians are like that with their anchovies.
Howard said he is kind of like his dad because he eats the same thing every day. That led to Howard singing Harry Chapin's ''Cats In The Cradle'' song singing the lyrics ''I'm gonna be like you Dad.'' Fred played the song after that and the guys spent a short time talking about what happens in the song.
Artie talked about how gross the food is at the track and described what they feed people and how nasty it is. There is a higher end club there that has better food but he knows his father would never pay for it. Artie said he used to go to the track and he had some of the grossest food he'd ever had there.
Howard said that people point at those people dressed in fat suits because they look like they just came off the set of a movie where they have to wear a fat suit. They don't look like real fat people. JD had pulled some clips from the show so Howard played them. One of the girls said she was tired of being in the suit and wanted to get out of it. Another girl said she didn't like it and didn't know that people were going to avoid them the way they were.
Howard said he wants to put Sal in black face and have him go out on the street. Robin said that Sarah Silverman did that on her show. She put the black just on part of her face and walked around talking about how tough it was to be black.
Howard played their stuff and said that someone there was illiterate and wrote ''avant gard'' and it's supposed to be guard. Fred told Howard that they were close actually, it's ''garde.'' Howard admitted he was wrong and said he'll have to edit it for the replay so he looks smart. He said he has to look smart all the time.
Howard said they're going to play their own stuff on Monday trying to come up with their own avant-garde music. He said that it was turning into something bigger than he wanted so he figured he'd just play something now instead. He had the guys round up their instruments and prepare to create a song. Gary came in with his trumpet and the rest of the guys picked up some instruments in the studio.
Everyone just started strumming, banging, blowing into whatever they had near them and it didn't sound all that much different than the Zs stuff. Fred even threw in some truck backing up alarm clips and an alarm clock. Howard said that he was going to call that song ''Home.'' They performed the song again and tried to recreate the mess they'd just made. It wasn't all that far off. Robin said that's her favorite song.
Richard said that band is going on tour and they're going to be in New York City. He said that they should open up for them. Howard said he'd do that and he'd love to see if the audience would reject them or not. He said they could perform ''Home'' for them and see what kind of reception they get.
Howard said they have to stop talking about it and just go do it to see what kind of reaction they get. Richard said they could all wear masks so no one knows who they are. That band is going to be at the Knitting Factory so Howard created a song called ''The Knitting Factory.'' Richard kicked off the song with one hit of a cymbal. Robin made them stop because they were to rhythmical. Richard said they have to do it so they sound really weird.
Howard created another song called ''Beat'' where they just threw in a sound here and there. Fred was throwing in a bunch of random sound effects while the rest of the guys beat on their instruments. Howard said they really do have to do this and open up for that band. Richard said that it would be hard to recreate that song again but they could probably do it.
Howard said that he thinks that Avant-Garde means ''shitty'' and Gary is very Avant-Garde with his trumpet playing. He played Sal's version of one of The Zs songs where he just keeps saying ''Baba Booey'' throughout the song. They went to break a short time later.
Howard and the guys thought this was kind of odd. Artie said that you'd think that they'd want to bang and stuff and not be stuck on a train the whole time they're on vacation. Richard said they are going to stop in Colorado and shower out there.
Robin said that going to Greece or somewhere like that is going on vacation, not sitting on a train for a week. She said that she's going to be stuck in a seat trying to sleep. Richard said that the seats do lean back. Richard said that he's hoping that they see some snow while they're on the train because they love that. Howard said there's nothing like riding through snow on a train. Howard finished up the commercial and came back a short time later.
Howard had Ass Napkin Ed com in a short time later. Ed was drunk and barely able to speak this morning. He was mumbling out his words and barely understandable. The guy said that he's a paranoid schizophrenic when he called in last week. He had some kind of twitch going on too. Howard said he wanted to see this ass rag he has in his pants. Ed said it has shit on it so he didn't want to show it. He said he was itchy down there so that's why there was shit on it.
Howard said he had the same problem and suggested he get baby wipes to clean up down there. Ed said he has fuckin' baby wipes and his voice went really high. Artie said he sounds like a crazy Mexican. Artie remembered meeting the guy at a signing up in Buffalo one time. Ed said that was like 2 years ago and he as amazed that Artie remembered him.
Howard said that he now knows why he wanted to meet this guy. He said that he was really interesting. Ed said he came down from Buffalo this morning on the bus. He said he just got off the bus about an hour ago. Howard said that Ed has some mental problems and he can't work because of them. He's paranoid and schizophrenic. Howard wondered what he hears in his head and stuff. Ed said he hears Howard a lot and it's not when he's on the air. He also hears Baba Booey. Howard said he hears his parents voices a lot in his head.
Howard asked Ed what he hears him saying. Ed said that he hears Howard talking shit and telling him to get the fuck out of there and things like that. Artie said that they actually did say that.
Howard asked Ed about his drinking and if he did it on the bus. He said he was drinking red wine and he did have it with him on the bus. He said that it's $10 a box for the stuff he drinks. Howard wanted to give him some advice on his ass problems, that's why he brought him down there. Ed asked if he could play a contest or something for money. Gary said they did have some for him so he'd bring in the information.
Howard asked Ed why he thinks that there's shit on his ass napkin. Ed said he took a shit a few hours before he got on the bus. He wiped but then put an ass napkin in his pants. Howard asked him how there could be shit on it if he wiped. Ed said that he didn't have any wet naps with him at the time. Howard told him that he probably created something he could call an ass-pon like a tampon for the ass.
Howard asked Ed to pull down his pants and show the ass napkin. He didn't want him to pull it out though. Ed pulled down his pants and showed the guys what he had in there. Howard didn't want to see him pull it out. He said he saw that he had zits on his ass though. Ed said that he's 35 years old but the guys said he looks younger. He said he's still able to get girls and he doesn't have to pay for them. He's able to pick them up in the bar.
Artie said that he likes this kid and asked him if he wanted to open up for him at Avery Fisher Hall. Ed said that he actually has some material and did him some of that. He seemed to get lost halfway through the joke and said he had to add more to it. It was something about going into an old building and being unable to find the string for the light. He had Artie laughing his ass off but it wasn't because the joke was funny, it was his delivery. Artie said that what he was doing physically was funny.
Howard said that he asked Ed down there to give him some advice on wiping. He told him that he had the same problems when he was his age and had to learn how to wipe correctly. He said he wipes 3 times with wet naps until he doesn't see anymore brown. He told him to buy some Wet Naps and use those instead of paper. He thinks that Ed is going to get hemorrhoids if he keeps doing what he's doing. Ed said he thinks that he'll keep using the ass rag even if he does that.
Howard asked him if the ass rag has ever fallen out when he's walking around. He said that has happened but he just played dumb and pretended he didn't know what it was. He said that there were a bunch of businessmen around at the time. He said he was at a hotel in Boston at the time. Artie wondered what he was doing there. Ed said he'd gone to the Lizzie Borden house up there with his sister. He said that he slept right in the spot where the people were killed.
Howard asked Ed if people see the shit on the ass napkin when it falls out. Ed said that it's like his calling card when it falls out. Artie said that he must say ''What asshole left that here?'' when he sees it fall out.
Howard asked Ed if he has a problem with booze. Ed said that he does. Ed was also saying that he plays checkers on his computer and wanted Howard to play him. He also told Howard that he hasn't had sex in 2 years but he does beat off. Howard asked him if he's accidentally beat off into his ass napkin. Ed just laughed. Ed said that he's pan-sexual and only likes to be with himself.
Howard asked Gary if they had a game for Ed to play to win some money. Ed said that he's broke but he's still able to pay $13 a month for SIRIUS. Gary had some games to play and was working on getting them ready to play. Howard took some phone calls after Ed had asked to give some shout outs to some people but forgot who they were.
One caller said that this guy is a poser and he's been using one of these ''wa rags'' for years. He wanted to play a game against this guy and give the money to charity. Howard let him go and took another call but ended up hanging up on him because he didn't want to get into whatever it was he wanted to talk about.
Gary came in with a Big Foot game where they have Big Foot tell them if he knows who these famous people are. The first one was Abraham Lincoln and Big Foot knew that he was President. That was just an example for Ed. Then they gave him Tom Brady. Ed didn't know who he was himself. He thought that it was some guy from The Brady Bunch. He didn't think Big Foot would know who he was either. Howard said that the guy is the quarterback for the New England Patriots. Big Foot said he was from the Brady Bunch.
The next one was Adolf Hitler. Ed said he was some German dude who killed all the Jews. Ed figured that Big Foot would know too. He did, he said it was that Nazi dude. Howard played the next one which was Alec Baldwin. Ed knew he was an actor and figured Big Foot would know. Howard said he was nervous about that one. Big Foot said he didn't have the foggiest idea who he was.
Howard said that Ed wasn't out of it yet, he had two more chances to win the $500. He gave him the next name, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ed knew he was the governor of California. Howard said he was also an actor. Howard played his answer and Big Foot said he was a wrestler. Ed called him a retard and couldn't believe he missed that one.
Howard told Ed he has one more chance to win the money. He gave him the next one where Richard asks Big Foot ''Who's Artie Lange?'' Artie didn't think that he'd remember him. Ed said he knows Artie and he was right there. Ed said he met Artie a few years ago but he doesn't remember. Artie had just told him he did remember a short time before though. Big Foot said that Artie Lange was a guy ''who plays on the Howard Stern.'' Ed had pulled it out and won the money after guessing that Big Foot would know Artie. The money was courtesy of Cash4Gold.com
Ed said that on YouTube he does stuff and his name on there is ElephantDrunk. He said he does some singing on there. He sings the song ''Part Time Lover.'' Howard had Fred try to find that song but he wasn't able to find it in the system. Ed said he likes Michael Jackson stuff too. Howard let Ed get in a plug for RockysRubberRoom.com before letting him go.
Howard said that he remembers talking to Tom about that suspension and how they were still going to pay him and still give him a day off. They did that and got SIRIUS even more publicity by suspending him. It was all very strange. Howard said it feels like they've been there longer than 2 years now. It's actually 2 years this January.
Lisa said that Joey Boots has checked into rehab and he should be out in about a month. Lisa also said that they got some tips for running the NYC marathon since she said something about doing it. Robin said that she's trying to mentally prepare herself for that. She and Beth may do it together. Robin asked Lisa if she wanted to do it too. Lisa said she can't do it, she doesn't have the knees for it. Howard said he's done the training before but he's never run the full distance. He has no desire to do it either. Lisa said that Jason and Will are celebrating the age of Scott the Engineer's lungs today on their Page 69 report. Howard went to break after that.
Sal said the Usher went up to Howard and talked to him, then came back and told him that Howard claimed he didn't know a Sal the Stockbroker and to leave him alone. Sal even remembered what Howard and Angie were wearing that night. Howard said that Richie Notar was there too and Ralph pulled down his pants at the show. Sal mentioned that KISS did a show with an orchestra once too but Howard cut him off, thanked him for coming in and told him not to push his luck.
Howard played a song that Shatner wrote called ''Has Been'' where he sings about the people who think he's a has been. He also played a clip of Ponce De LaPhone calling in during an interview and asking Shatner if he's wearing a toupee and why he's hairless.
Artie wondered how long of a day that engineer was in for that day he had his balls busted by Shatner. He said it must have been a long one.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to write a third book. Howard said that writing a book is a lot of work and the first two were insane. He said that maybe when he gets off radio he'd write another one. He said he's pretty sure he'd have a third one in him. He's not sure he'd write about all of the women he had after his divorce. He said he'd feel kind of creepy if he did that. He said he'd be married to Beth by then if they can get their crap together.
Howard said that he and Beth were watching a movie the other night and he knows that Beth made out with this one guy in the movie and it drives him nuts. He said the two of them go back and forth with people they've been with when they see that stuff. He said that it would be weird to write about some woman who was willing to have sex with him and not know she'd be part of a book. EH's bee lucky that none of them ever did that to him.
Howard said he knows one story he could tell and it would be huge. He said he could sell a lot of books with just that one story. He said he may not write the book just because he can't tell that story. Robin said that was a good year he had after the divorce when he was banging chicks. Howard said he could probably address that year in some way without giving up any names.
The caller asked Howard about Artie giving the peace offering to Sal yesterday. He said that he thinks that Artie would still love to box Sal and he'd like to offer to help him practice. Howard said that was ridiculous and hung up on the guy.
Howard read some e-mail about Robin and her negative comments about Duran Duran. Howard had a new theme song that Sal had written for her. He also had some e-mail about all of the new theme songs that they have for her and how they miss the original one that was just instrumental. Fred played one of those versions where they had Robin singing along to it.
Howard said he heard that Nick Manning had been stabbed or something but Robin hadn't heard anything about that. Howard said he heard that he'd been robbed or something but didn't go to a hospital, he went to a friend or something. The guys checked and didn't come up with anything. Gary said that someone had checked on SternFanNetwork and the thread over there was 2 years old.
Howard said he got some positive feedback about the RuPaul interview yesterday. He also got some shit about goofing on The Zs.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie if he's coming up to Boston this weekend. Artie said that he is, he's doing a charity thing up there. The caller was trying to get back stage but Howard hung up on him.
Bill said that he thinks it was a stupid decision not to put him in the movie. They have Leonard Nimoy in the movie. Howard said that no one really cares about Nimoy anymore and a lot of people are enjoying Bill on this TV show so he's probably got more of a draw than Nimoy does. Bill said that he's a good friend of his though and he's not upset about that.
Howard asked Bill if he's upset about George Takei having success on Heroes. Bill said he doesn't know who that is. He said he really doesn't think about it. Howard asked him if he would do a Star Trek movie without Nimoy. Bill said he has done that before so he wouldn't have a problem doing it. He said it's really not a wise business decision not to have both of them in the movie in his opinion. Robin said that they're not getting any younger either.
Howard asked Bill about this Boston Legal show and how long ago he did that. Bill said they're in their fourth season now. Howard figured that Bill must have signed a contract that he wasn't so thrilled with and wondered if he renegotiated. Bills aid that this is the final year of the contract and if they want him to stay, they'll have to come up with something more. He said that he's abided by the contract over the four years but he has told them that they'll have to renegotiate if they get renewed for another season. Howard asked him if they're doing well in the ratings. Bill said that they are doing pretty well. Howard asked Bill what kind of money he makes doing those shows. Bill said he doesn't want his kids to know what kind of money he's making so he doesn't talk about that on the air.
Howard talked to Bill about pre-nups and things like that. Howard also brought up how they haven't seen each other in a long time. Bill said that he had dinner with Howard one time and hasn't called him since. He said that he treated him just like JJ Abrams did with the Star Trek movie.
Howard said that Bill always has these side businesses going on and he's got a new one to talk about today. Bill said that this one is great and he likes that Howard lets him come on and talk about it. He said he's got a book and a DVD out called ''Star Trek: The Academy--Collision Course'' and ''Exodus.'' Shatner is also going to be doing a book signing at Tahiti Village and they're willing to put people up at the hotel out there for 2 nights and 3 days all for free. The catch is that there is no catch. Howard said he's heard this stuff before and there is a catch. Shatner said that he's going to be signing books on the 19th and you get a free book and get it signed by Bill. Just call 888-30-GO-NOW for details.
Bill said that they put you up at a hotel for 2 days and 3 nights and then you get to see this Tahiti Village place and learn more about that. He said there's no obligation to go to the book signing or anything like that. Howard said he'd do that and go out there to meet Bill Shatner. Shatner gave out the phone number a bunch of times and said that it's a great experiment to try.
Howard wrapped up with Bill a short time later and Bill said that he'll stop in the next time he's back in New York. He asked Howard if he's well. Howard said that he's never been well, he's lucky that he's survived. He told Bill to go back to sleep now. He let him go a short time later.
Howard and the guys talked about how long Shatner has been around and how he just keeps on going. Howard said that there are a lot of these celebrities doing the Tahiti Village thing. Dominic Barbara said that Mickey Rooney is doing the exact same thing two weeks after Shatner is. Howard talked about some of the other celebs who are doing that stuff and how they promote this Tahiti Village thing. Butch Patrick, Buzz Aldren and a bunch of others have been on the show promoting it. Dominic wondered why Shatner would be doing it because he seems to be the kind of guy who must be really wealthy. Howard said that he takes money any way he can get it. Shatner was promoting paintball and phone cards not too long before he got the job on ''Boston Legal.'' He said he loves that guy.
Howard said he's really hating that the cold is back. He said that he's definitely going to move to Florida when he retires. He said he'll keep a place in New York but as soon as it gets cold, he's going back down to Florida. He said he's got a nice area picked out and he's going to look to buy a place down there. Artie said he loves this cold weather and it makes him feel alive.
Artie told Eric that they had a rock there that they'd rather interview. Eric goofed on Artie's 5 chins and asked Howard if he had his outlines there so he could go over them. Howard said that it's really hard to understand Eric today and his phone connection is really bad.
Will came in and said that the outlines were really bad and it was obvious that Johnny Fratto had written them. Eric said that he wrote them himself. He said that Diana Degarmo is in this script, just like she was in the Dougie the Puggie book.
Howard asked Eric if he called Diana or her mom and told her about the movie. Eric said he has a friend who is friends with Diana and she talks to her and her mother on a regular basis. Will said that he was on page 4 of 15 and it was the most boring stuff he's ever read. He said it's like him talking but even more boring.
Fred asked Eric how far he got in school. Eric said that he graduated from high school 12th in his class of 93. Howard wished Eric luck with the script but Artie told him he hopes he gets arrested.
Eric said that he reveals in the script that he's not in love with Diana, he's in love with this girl on the internet. Howard said that Eric is writing a script about a real romance that's developing. Eric said he hopes to be able to meet the girl he's fallen for on the web this Sunday.
Howard said he thinks that Eric is in love with someone who isn't in love with him. Eric said he's hoping to change that. Artie was goofing on Eric about his shitty scripts and the fact that he's shit himself. Eric said that Artie is in the movie but he kills him off.
Howard said he had a producer on the phone who wants to produce his movie for him. His name was Jack but when Howard went to the phone the guy was snoring from boredom. Howard wrapped up with Eric after that. Robin said that Eric is apparently saying that he's not in love with Diana anymore. Artie said that she never even knew who he was and doesn't care. Eric said that everyone at the WWE knows who he is. Artie said goodbye to ''creepo'' and said his new name should be ''Eric the Creep.''
Howard said it would be really ironic if Eric did write the script and it gets made into a movie and then Diana falls in love with Eric. Then Eric turns her down and she ends up killing herself over it.
Howard asked Mario if he thought he was going to be huge in the comedy field when he started out. Mario said that he thought he was going to be the biggest. Howard asked him if he thinks being gay has hurt the career. Mario said that it has. He said that he can play a straight role but they usually want him for the gay roles. He said that he played a part in a movie where he was a straight guy and did great but after he started playing the gay roles, he was pigeonholed into those roles.
Howard asked Mario when he last did stand-up. Mario said it was about a year ago. He makes his money doing commercials and stuff like that. He said he hates working and doesn't want to work every day. He said he doesn't think that he would have been good at being a big star because he doesn't want to work that hard. He said he just did his one man show down in New Orleans and it was the most horrifying thing he's done in a long time. Artie said that it would be tough to get back into the business after being out for a year if he had to do that.
Howard asked Mario about his gay relationship and how he's been with a guy for many years and never cheated on him. Howard said that this comedian Ant was on the show talking about having guys pick him up thinking that he's Mario Cantone. Ant just goes with it and pretends to be Mario. Howard said he's getting all of his action. Mario said that's fine with him. Artie said that he did that with someone but he was mistaken for Rosie O'Donnell.
Artie said that he likes Ant a lot but it's insulting to put him in the same category as Mario. Mario said this is why he likes ''Howie Lange'' and told him to go on. Artie said that he's not in the same league as Mario when it comes to comedy. He said that Mario is in a different league.
Howard asked Mario about doing this Sex and the City movie. Mario said that it's tough to go back after 4 years and still look good. He said that he's 47 years old now and it's tough. Mario went into an impression of Bette Davis and had the guys laughing pretty hard at that.
Howard asked Mario if his parents had a problem with him being gay. Mario said that it was pretty tough for him. He said that his mother hated it. He's also got some really macho brothers according to Artie. Mario said that his sister had gay friends that his mother loved, but she tried to get him to stop. He said that she'd tell him that he was ''queer'' and that they were worse than drug addicts and murderers. He said he doesn't hate her for that though.
Howard asked Mario if his father was upset that he was gay and named after him. Mario said he wasn't upset about that at all. He said his mother didn't live long enough to see his fame either. He said that he's not sure how she would have felt about the gay stuff after all these years.
Howard got back to the Sex and the City thing and said that they're covering it so much in the news that they're spoiling the script. They give out all of the details that's ruining it. Mario said that all of the girls in the movie look great and they're holding up very well.
Howard asked Mario if he's got any money at all. Mario said he spends his money like he's Donald Trump and doesn't have all that much money. He said he's going to die some day and he likes to spend. Howard said that he needs to have some money for a rainy day though and he should be saving something.
Howard wondered if Mario would ever adopt a kid. He said that he's not into kids that much and he gets scared off when his friends have kids. He said that he does have one friend who has a daughter that he loves though. He said that he doesn't even have pets of his own. He said that he would like to have a golden lab or something but he doesn't think it's fair to have one in the big city.
Mario said that he's really into Tom Brady and he'd love to kiss him and hold him if he could. He said that he'd love to wipe that black stuff from under his eyes. Howard asked him if he'd be a top or a bottom because he pictures him as a bottom. Mario said that he's pretty two sided and he can do both. Howard said he can see him coming in dressed in a nightie and lifting it up for his man.
Howard asked Mario if he watches gay porn with his boyfriend. He said that he doesn't because they're not actually in the room with him and he's not into that. Howard gave Mario some plugs for some upcoming shows and one of them is down at the Borgata this Friday. He said that he loves doing shows down there. He said that he thought he was going to die the first time he went on stage down there but it turned out to be great. He said he has a lot of straight guys in his audience but there's quite a mix of people in the audience. Howard gave him a plug for the gigs and his web site MarioCantone.com.
Howard asked Mario what he does on his web site and what people can find. Mario said that there's not much there and he's not sure what to do with it. He said he refuses to blog. Artie agreed and said that his site doesn't have all that much on it. He said you can just plug some gigs and stuff and that's about it.
Howard asked Mario about this relationship he's been in for so many years. Mario said that he'd be devastated if he ever lost this guy. He said that he couldn't live without him. He's his life and the guy is a good man. They've been together for 16 years.
Howard asked Mario if he's forgiven Dog the Bounty Hunter for his racist comments. Mario said he hasn't and anyone who is surprised that he used the N-word is nuts, just look at him!
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Mario if he's into Bukkake. Mario didn't know what that was so Howard explained that it's when a man blows his load on you. Another caller said that Mario was at a wedding for his godfather and he was there with the most smoking hot brunette he's ever seen. Mario remembered the wedding and said that he brought a friend to the wedding and she and her husband are both hot.
Another caller said that Mario said he doesn't like kids that much but he had a kid's show called Steampipe Alley. The caller called it ''Fudgepipe Alley.'' Mario said that he would disappear during the breaks on that show and he wasn't doing it for the kids, he was doing it for his career. He wanted nothing to do with the kids who were regulars on the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there are a lot of closeted homosexuals in the industry. Howard cut him off and brought up Richard Christy who may be a closeted homosexual based on what they've seen him do on the show. Howard said that Richard is always doing gay stuff on the show. Mario took one look at Richard and said that he wasn't gay. He asked Richard if he gets frisky with men when he drinks. Richard said he does hug them when he's drunk but he has no desire for a guy's bung hole or penis.
Howard said there's a lot of gay stuff going on with those two but Richard said that they wouldn't do it if Howard didn't like it. Mario said that he's seen plenty of these guys but they're not gay. Richard wondered if he found him attractive. Mario said that he really didn't. He said that he does find Howard somewhat attractive. He said he found Gary attractive ''in his youth'' but not so much now.
Sal came in and asked Mario if he ever masked his gayness when he was younger and hid it with his drinking. Mario said he never did that. Sal said that Richard once got drunk and as they were walking outside Richard just yelled out ''I wish I was gay!'' Mario said that Richard might be an emotional homosexual. Sal said that he is because he was crying on the show talking about Artie and talking about his long lost friend.
Richard said he went 10 years without getting laid so that's why he was yelling about wanting to be gay that night that Sal was talking about.
Howard gave Mario some more plugs and ended up talking to him about a TV show he's working on called ''Men in Trees'' with Anne Heche. He said that he thinks that Anne could be back to being straight because she's run off with her male co-star and they seem to be in love.
Mario told Howard he's not sure how he gets up so early every morning to do what he does. He said that he's been offered reality shows but he'd never go to do one because that's like the end of your career. Howard asked him if he's had any work done on his face. He said that he hasn't had any work done but he does work out at the gym. He showed off his abs before Howard wrapped up and went to break.
After the commercial break we heard a prank call the guys pulled on Wendy the Retard. They had her yelling at an answering machine and a bunch of audio clips. Fred played some Lenny Kravitz before Howard came back a short time later. He said that he's now obsessed with the Dog the Bounty Hunter show even though he never watched it before all of this controversy came about. He said that the news reports out there are saying that the guy really didn't prove that he's not a racist after doing what he did in the Sean Hannity interview.
Howard said that the thing you want to hear is the guy just admit to using the N-word and admit that he's a redneck asshole. You just want him to say he's going to be a better man and maybe he'll try to stop using the word.
Howard said the whole thing got started when his son started dating a black woman. He got upset about that and asked his son to stop dating her because she's going to hear them using the N-word and she'll turn them into the Enquirer or something. That's what happened but it was his son who taped the conversation. Howard said that son really sold out his dad for $15,000.
Howard said that Hannity played some tape of the girl that Dog's son was dating during that interview. Then they let Dog comment on that. He said he had never seen her before and didn't know that she was a cute little girl like that. He apologized and said he's really not like that.
Howard said that the Larry King interview wasn't half as good as that Hannity interview was. He played some of that interview where Dog tells Larry that his son had better marry that girl after what they've gone through. Howard said that the guy loved the N-word so much that he wanted his son to give up a woman. He said Larry should have brought that up during the interview.
Artie said he knew some black kids in school and his friends didn't want them around while they were watching games because they wanted to be free to yell out the word during the games.
Howard said he remembers feeling bad for Regis because it was obvious that his wife had decorated it. It was very frilly and feminine. He said that when he had his apartment done, he put in a lot of manly stuff. He said he has a prison toilet and dark colors and stuff. Now that he's been with Beth for 7 years, they're going to redo the whole apartment. Robin said that there's a coldness to the apartment and it really does need some help.
Artie asked Robin what she thinks of his apartment. She said that it's definitely a guy's apartment. Artie's mom decorated it but she kept it manly for him.
Howard played the clip of Regis talking about showing Howard his apartment. He said that he'd finished his apartment and Howard's wasn't done yet. Regis said he'd show him his if he shoed him his. He said that Howard told him that he'd gotten screwed with the bathroom size because his wife's was much bigger. Kelly was asking Regis if ''his was bigger'' when she was talking about the apartments. She said that she wants to do a drive by of Howard's apartment the next time she's over at Regis' apartment.
Artie said that he saw Kelly out on the street recently and she looked really hot. Howard was going to talk about that but Mike Walker was back and they were still trying to work things out. Howard said that he didn't want to make a big deal out of it but Kelly Ripa did come out to his house in the Hamptons one night. He said that she and her husband came out and she was distractingly hot that night. He said that her face was just sick (in a good way) and he wanted to beat off. He said that she's the kind of chick who has kids and you want to bang. Artie said he followed her down the street for a few blocks the day he saw her.
Howard finally had Mike Walker on the line but they were still having problems with the audio. Mike was hearing himself talk so Howard thought it was going to be a mess. He gave him some plugs and got right into the game. Here's how they do it. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Artie said that Sam told him he was going to have his own villa and his own Jacuzzi at this place in Hawaii. He said they go to the Four Seasons resort in Maui and get some villas to spend the week there. They have a great Thanksgiving dinner with Norm Macdonald and his lawyer. It would be a great time but Artie blew it. He'll be in Poughkeepsie, New York instead.
Steve said that Fred has been interviewed by a Long Island blog (EXCLUSIVE: Five Stupid Questions with Howard Stern’s sound FX guru, Fred Norris) and they have some news about that. They also have a new ''Low Down with High Pitch Mike'' who has gone off on Artie once again.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Ass Napkin Ed and his odd stories. They'll also talk about Mario Cantone's visit, William Shatner's call and more.
Ralph called in and said that he wanted to thank Artie for not going out to Hawaii because now he gets to go. He said that he's looking forward to going out there where it'll be nice and warm. Artie wasn't sure if his dropping out got Ralph in, he may have been in before that. Howard said that Ralph hasn't a worry in the world and he just goes off and does his thing when he wants to.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to preview the Superfan Roundtable show. They're going to talk about the battling between Artie and the guys. Artie said that he heard a replay of that and he really did come off as an asshole when he went off on Sal and Richard.
mutt said that they're also going to talk about a bunch of other things on the show as well. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Benjy said he felt like Artie was in a bit of a delusional rage yesterday when he went off on Sal and Richard. He said he didn't think he was seeing things straight. He also said that he seemed to be getting back into that same stage where he threw something at Sal and he was worried about him. Today he seems really happy and straight. He said he told Artie that already today.
Howard asked Benjy what he wants Artie to do. Benjy said he's just pointing out something that he might want to get help for. Benjy had grabbed him that day when he threw stuff at Sal and told him to stop or he was going to screw everything up for himself. He said that was a smart thing to do but he's not sure what Benjy is seeing in him that makes him come to him tell him he seems sad.
Robin got into her news and read a story about a priest who was stalking Conan O'Brien. Howard wanted to talk about that earlier and found it pretty interesting. The guy was arrested for stalking and he's supposed to make a court appearance next week. Howard felt bad for Conan because he has a guy stalking him. Artie said that if he were Conan, he'd be giving Leno a pep talk to stick around after his contract is up. He's in for a big pay day if Leno doesn't leave.
Howard let Sour Shoes go and picked up on Wendy who was babysitting. He picked up on her and heard her talking to the little kids that were with her. She said that one of them is 1 year old and the other one is 4. Wendy said that the mother is sleeping and not feeling so good. Howard said he couldn't sleep with Wendy watching his kids.
Artie asked Wendy if she's got dried up shit in her twat hair. She said she does and said that she's got it all caked in there.
Howard said that some kids who are raised by Jamaican woman get their traits. Just imagine your kids get some of Wendy's traits. Artie asked her if she's got streaks off shit on her ass from wiping improperly. She said she dies but she was saying yes to everything, except getting shit caked under her fingernails.
Wendy said that she had to sell some of her stuff to buy some other stuff. She had to sell her CD collection to go to a concert. She tried to tell Howard what was going on but there was a screaming kid in the background so Howard asked her if she knows what number to call if she has an emergency. She knew it was 911. Howard let Wendy go a short time later after Artie told her to shave her tits. He'd asked her if she had hair on them and she said she did. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Robin said that Howard wrote something to John Stamos about getting together. Howard said they were going to but they both have conflicting plans so it's not going to happen. He said he told Stamos to bring one of his sluts with him to dinner when he did invite him.
Robin read through a few more stories and the guys ended up talking about space for a couple of minutes. Howard said that there has to be an end to it somewhere, it can't just go on forever. Benjy said that there is an end to it or it curves in on itself or something like that.
Howard read a news story about a family that doesn't use toilet paper that he found about this ''green week'' that's going on. He said that the family washes instead of using toilet paper. The guys spent a short time on that and wondered how you get your ass clean without using paper. Howard ended the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show talking about how it seems like they just finished the last show and they're back already. He said they had a big show coming up today and that they had the phones all lit up. They all went over to Scores yesterday to see one of their former interns dance and they'd be talking about that. He said it was pretty strange seeing Shannon their intern stripping for them. He said it kept him from getting multiple lap dances. He said she's really into it and came off pretty professional.
Gary came in and said that Shannon was dropping her money all over the place too. That just shows she's not quite up to the ''professional'' level yet.
Gary also complained that the listener they brought with them was too annoying and they'll never do that again. The guy just asked to go one day and Howard let him in. He said the guy was conversing with him and he didn't want that. Gary said the same thing. Gary and Stuttering John also complained that Shannon was asking about their wives and kids which is another no-no.
Stuttering John said that Vinnie Favale was also annoying yesterday. He keeps commenting on stuff that he should just keep his mouth shut about.
Howard said he got burned by a cigarette by Shannon also. She was dancing for Gary and she burned Howard somehow while she was holding the thing. Stuttering John was complaining that they need to give out a full allotment of ''funny money'' at the start of the thing. Gary said he gives it out in small allotments for everyone's own good because they rip right through it. John says he can handle the whole thing at once though. John said he can make it last by getting back rubs from the girls.
Gary was wearing mesh shorts, a t-shirt and sneakers and Howard said he looked pretty funny. Gary said he wore that stuff because it's hot out but Howard said it's for easy access for the girls at the club. Gary said he had to keep the funny money in his sock the whole night and when he went home he ended up finding $80 worth on the floor. Luckily his wife wasn't home to see it.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and complained about Stuttering John running out of the club real early. John said he had a racquetball game scheduled and he had to do some interviews at the ''A.I.'' premiere.
John explained how good Shannon was at dancing for him but she was asking too many questions about his family. He said he did get wood when she danced for him so she was good enough for him. Fred didn't get a dance from Shannon but he said he saw her with John.
Howard complained that Ronnie got a hold of a girl by the name of Milana that was great and he wouldn't let her go. Howard said she was really good but Ronnie kept her way too long because he wanted some dances from her.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy talked about Nikki Taylor getting out of the hospital. Howard said he sent her some flowers and never heard anything about it. The caller joked that he heard them mention that on Entertainment Tonight. Gary told Howard that they sent flowers to her on Monday so she may not have gotten them.
Another caller told Howard that Imus was bad mouthing him and Jackie on his show this morning. That got Howard ragging on Imus for a few minutes about what a loser the guy is. Howard brought up the lame books that Imus has put out and how he's just ripping off his audience with that crap.
Howard went on to play the Ian Hunter version of ''All the Young Dudes'' that he was talking about earlier. He said he may have had some trouble with the high notes but that's okay with him. He said he kind of liked that. After the song was over he asked Fred what he thought about it. Fred said he liked it even better than the original. He said it actually got better as it went along. Howard said he loves Ian Hunter but some people called in and said they weren't big fans of the song.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what happened to the Mariah Carey tape and Gary tape. Howard said that they have a few things to get to including those tapes. He said that Vinnie Favale brought in some tapes to play today. He said they'll also get to the Gary tapes today.
Howard and the guys talked a little more about the Scores party and how good Shannon was at doing her job. Howard said she'll be in after the commercial break. He went to break a short time later.
KC said he's used some of those wet nap things and they make his ass burn. He thinks he used some medicated ones. Howard said that he sat down and read a comic book on the toilet last night. He said his girlfriend was on the phone and he doesn't like her to know what he does so he was hiding from her. He said he didn't have his nozzle in there. He was out talking to his girlfriend and his ass started to itch so he had to excuse himself to go clean up correctly.
Robin suggested that Howard get a bidet and use that instead. Howard said he doesn't know how to use one and wondered which direction to sit on it. Robin told him that you sit facing the wall. That led to KC bringing up how their security guy who burned his ass using one of those things out in Las Vegas. Howard said the guy got third degree burns on his ass that day. He thinks that Ronnie had to put the salve on his ass.
Shannon came in and Howard talked to KC about his gay tendencies. He said that he thinks that KC has checked out gay porn and he's just not admitting to it. He told him he wants him to go home tonight and watch some gay porn because he thinks that he's going to like it. KC said that he and one of his bros checked some out one time as a goof. It was just a joke though, they were just goofing around. Howard told KC that once he admits he's gay, he'll stop wetting his bed and stuff like that. He said that KC gets freaked out when guys touch his shoulders and stuff. KC said that he likes his personal space and doesn't want anyone touching him like that.
KC said that he liked having Shannon dance for him but he doesn't get aroused. He said it's a mental thing for him. Stuttering John said he gets aroused just walking into the place. Howard said that he gets excited too and it doesn't take any time for it to happen. Howard wanted KC to let John rub his boobs but KC told them to get away from him if they went near him.
KC said that he knows that he's not gay. The guys asked him about his playing football and how he picked a position where he has to keep his hands under a guy's balls. KC said that's not why he plays that position.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if KC has ever looked at a guy's private parts in a locker room. KC said that he's just there to take shower and that's it, but you can't be in a locker room and not notice. He said that Howard has probably seen guys too but Howard told him that he gets aroused at Scores, unlike KC. Howard told KC that he's gay and he's just not admitting to it. KC denied that over and over again but Howard kept on him about it.
Shannon also spent a couple of minutes talking about how upset her parents were when she told them about what she's been up to. She's had plastic surgery and she's stripping. Two things that didn't sit well with her parents.
Shannon was also complaining that she didn't get paid last night because she didn't have ID. She lost her wallet and they didn't give her the money she was owed. Lonnie from Scores called in and said the real reason was that the manager thought she was a little tipsy from drinking and thought it would be better to give her a voucher for the money so she could come back tonight and get the money. Lonnie also complained about how the girls don't treat Howard like the great man he really is.
Shannon also has her own web site where you can see her topless. ShannonTheIntern.com which seems to be heading in the porno direction according to Howard. He said he thinks she's going to go into porn. She says she won't though.
Rich, the guy who got the chance to go with Howard to Scores, called in and thanked Howard for letting him go yesterday. Gary said he was a nice guy but once he got familiar with the guys, he started annoying him by mentioning his son's name Jackson over and over again. Rich said he was saying ''Jackson'' because it was one of the stripper's names. He was trying to point her out to Gary or something like that. Howard said Rich was an ''okay dude'' as he hung up on him and moved on.
Shannon said she probably won't be visiting her parents while she's out here no the east coast because they really are upset with her. Howard wrapped things up and took a quick phone call. A guy asked her if she noticed if Howard was aroused while she was dancing for him. She said she did notice that he was aroused. Howard admitted that he was. He said she's a very attractive (21 year old) woman and he got aroused by her dancing. Some of the guys even think Howard could have gotten her in his limo if he wanted to. Shannon said that could have happened. Gary said she was pretty drunk by the end of the night so anything's possible. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had this guy Michael Gelman on the phone. He said that he used to produce TV shows like Maurey Povich, Leeza and others. He called in to talk about his latest idea ''Faggot Feud.'' Howard thought it was a TV show but it turns out it's a game they play in a gay club in Chelsea there in New York City. The club is called Blue and it's on West 23rd between 6th and 7th. He said they have different types of people play a ''Family Feud'' type game where they ask questions about gays and stuff like that.
Howard spoke to Michael about the wacky sounding game for a very short time. He let the guy get in some plugs for the show and some mentions of the celebrities they had coming in to play the game with them. Howard said it sounds like he's well on his way to something there. He pitched some ideas of his own for the guy too.
Howard was wondering what he wanted to do at this point. He had some Mariah Carey tapes to play and some other stuff to do. Gary suggested that they play the Mariah Carey stuff. Howard wanted to replay Gary's apology tape that they played on the show before.
Howard said he was confused by KC's pitch of the whole call and thought it was a TV show so he just ended up moving on.
Gary finally agreed to bring it in after Howard goofed on him about it for a couple of minutes. Howard said he was going to just play the tape without interrupting it but Gary didn't think he could do that. He knew Howard would interrupt it.
Gary ran off to another part of the building so he wouldn't have to listen to the tape again. Howard let the thing play through without interruption so they'd have a copy of it to play in the future so they don't have to rely on Gary to bring it in again. You could hear giggling in the background as the tape played but Howard was able to keep his mouth shut for a couple of minutes.
Vinnie Penn, a DJ from New Haven, Connecticut was sitting in this morning and this was the first time he heard the Gary apology tape. He pointed out key phrases and moments in the tape that he found amusing. Howard also went through some of his favorite moments before taking a bunch of phone calls from listeners who wanted to goof on Gary about the whole thing. The tape was made when Gary was only 25 years old so that's one of his excuses he used.
A woman called in and asked how she could get a copy of this video. Howard said they showed it on E! and it comes back in reruns once in a while. He later said that the E! guys are going to try their best to get that episode on tonight at 11:30pm. Other callers just goofed on Gary about what a pussy he was in the tape. Even the interns that are working for the show now got in on the action. Stuttering John brought them in one by one to goof on him. A couple of them thought it was sweet but it came off gay. A couple of callers felt the same way.
KC told Howard about a story that appeared about Beetlejuice, Lester Green, in a local paper. It said that Beet used to be a skier in the special Olympics. He was very competitive according to the article. He was also a runner and he did well in those events. Beetle said he doesn't ski much but when he does, he does it at the top of a mountain. Beetle was up to his usual answer of questions with ''Me!?'' and then the answer.
The article also described how Beet grew up with kids making fun of him but now those same kids are asking for his autograph. Howard read through the article and spent a few minutes talking about what was in that. Howard moved on to the game after that.
The first contestant was a guy by the name of Steve who just happened to be in the city today on a visit. Howard told him how they were going to play this game. Howard would give the contestant a word that he had to get Beetlejuice to say. He can only use one word clues to get him to say the word. If he won he'd win a trip to Nantucket courtesy of Nantucket Nectars fruit drinks.
KC put headphones on Beet's ears so he couldn't hear the Password. The first word was ''Bicycle''. Steve said ''Pedaling'' and Beet mumbled something unintelligible. He then said ''Handlebars'' and Beet said ''Bike''. Close enough for Steve to win. Howard didn't know what happened. He thought it would be near impossible to get him to say the word or anything even close. Howard decided to let Steve play another word even though he'd already won. The next word was ''Computer''. Here's what Steve said and Beetlejuice's response:
Howard said that you can visit PicklePilot.com for more info on the porno that Beetle will be shooting later this year. You can also check out JollyDwarf.com for info on upcoming appearances for Beet. He'll also be in ''Scary Movie 2'' which opens July 5th. Someone also said that Beet has been shooting ''Men in Black 2'' with Wil Smith. Beetle said he's been hanging out with those guys lately and he's having a good time on the set. How true that is remains to be seen. Beetle hung out after the game to sit in during Robin's news segment.
Before Robin could get started though, this guy Johnny T-Bone called in and said that he's dating Beetlejuice's sister Erica. He told Howard how he met Erica at a bar and now he's banging her. He even said he's going to marry her. Beetle started getting pissed right away. He started cursing at the guy and called him an asshole a few times. Beet denied that this guy is going to be part of his family because his sister doesn't love anyone but herself. The two of them went at it for about 10 minutes. It sounded like T-Bone knew what he was talking about but Beet didn't want to hear it and he was calling the guy a ''faggot ass'' and a ''punk ass'' halfway through it. He even said he'd kill the guy if he sees him with his sister. Howard seemed to believe what the guy was saying but he wasn't sure about it. He eventually had to take a break so he hung up on T-Bone and calmed Beetlejuice down a little bit.
Robin got into her news and Beetlejuice sat in to comment on the stuff she brought up. At one point the guys thought he was crying. Beetle said that they were fake tears though. High Pitch Eric called in so Beet talked to him for a short time. Eric said that he's been doing appearances with Beetle and he always runs around naked there. Beetlejuice said he does do that.
KC said that Beetlejuice does an impression of Eric. Howard asked him to do it so Beet went into a High Pitched voice and did that for a few seconds. Vinnie Favale said that he does Ralph Cramden from the Honeymooners too but when he was asked to do it, he just mumbled something about the Honeymooners and didn't really do an impression.
Howard took a call from Angry Black who told Howard about a stripper who had given him a lap dance and had passed away recently. He also told Howard that Richard Jeni was on another clone show bad mouthing him. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard and the guys had some fun talking about the various stories that Robin brought up. Beetlejuice would throw in a comment here and there. Vinnie Penn would pipe in once in a while too. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later and ended it around 9:55am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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