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Howard started off the show saying that Artie had a couple of cups of something healthy to drink, maybe. He said that he is on a new diet so maybe there is something healthy in there. He asked Artie how that new diet thing is going. Artie said it was just a cup of black coffee without any cream in it. He doesn't usually put sugar in it anyway. He said he also had some water there.
Artie said he's been on this diet for two days so far and he's miserable. He's hoping that the coffee will fill him up but Robin said ''I don't think so.'' and laughed. Howard said he's also got some Hawaiian Punch and peanut butter in front of him. He told him to throw it away but Artie said that it was a waste. He said that it's made with real fruit so it must not be that bad. He also mentioned that someone had a pillow made up for him that said ''Sweet Dreams Baby Gorilla'' for him.
Howard had a clip of a video that someone made up about Artie. It was a parody of the ''Save Britney Spears'' video. This one was about Artie's eating and vending machine thing. The listener asked Artie to stop eating in the video and cried about that on camera which made Artie laugh.
Howard asked Artie if he's sticking to the diet. He said he is and he even tried to exercise a little bit. He got on a treadmill and tried to do that at a 4.5. He said he got about half a mile and had to stop because he was so out of breath. As he was talking about that his morning bagel was delivered. Artie said that this one had hardly any butter on it. Howard told him that no butter would be better than a little. Artie said he has to have a little bit on there. He's taking baby steps with the diet. He said that he's cut out the caramel macchiatto that he used to get every morning. He said he read that those are almost like drinking up a blended up Big Mac.
Artie said that he was able to walk about 2 miles on the treadmill. He said that's a good start for him and he'll have to work up to more. Artie said he watched the World Series game last night and tried to do anything to take his mind off of eating. He said he had some spinach but it was sautéed in oil. He also had a turkey sandwich and an egg white omelet for breakfast. He had a few other things but nothing big.
Robin said that the whole point is not to go long periods of time without food. Artie said he really wasn't hungry and ate at 11am and 4pm so it wasn't that long between meals. He said that everything in his life has food involved with it so that's why he eats so much.
Howard told Artie that he already looks less bloated today. He still has the vending machine key but he hasn't had to use it yet. He said he walked by the machine and it looked like a shunned lover.
Gary came in and talked about what's going on and said that A-Rod has to know what his agent is up to and wouldn't leave for another team without knowing. Gary said there are only a couple of teams out there that can afford A-Rod so he doesn't have a lot of choices.
Howard said that he gets what Artie is saying but he thinks that A-Rod must be thinking about the money and he must think that he can bring in a few extra bucks. He asked why anyone would care where they play. Gary said that does make a difference to the players. They can take a little bit less going to a team like the Yankees and get even more money from endorsement deals that he might not get on other teams. Robin said that some guys also want to have some wins under their belt and that's why they might go to certain teams.
Artie said that A-Rod has at least 10 more good years in him. Howard said that his agent might be one of the guys who can't think through the big picture but maybe they want to gamble and take their chances with the move.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the other day Howard was goofing on Joe Torre about not taking less money and today he's praising A-Rod for taking less money. Howard said he just doesn't want to see these guys on the front page of the paper when there are people dying over in Iraq. He said that he really doesn't give a rats ass about baseball when there's all of this other stuff going on. Howard said he didn't even know that the World Series was on TV last night. Beth had to tell him that it was on.
Howard said Beth probably knows more about sports but she doesn't really like them. She went to a lot of sporting events as a kid but now she hates it. She was turned off to that stuff when she was growing up. Gary said that if Pittsburgh is in the Super Bowl, she'd be right there watching it. Howard said they've done that, they sat there with a Pittsburgh towel swinging that around while watching a game.
Artie brought up A-Rod again and got the guys back on that subject. He said that A-Rod is just a jerk off to him.
The caller asked Howard what he would do if one of them brought home a guy who had a name like Tyrone. Robin asked him what he'd do if he had a grill and looked like a gangsta. Howard said he really doesn't think he's have a problem. The caller thinks that Howard would freak out if that happened for real. Howard said he really doesn't think he has much say in who his kids date either way so he'd have to go by who the guy actually is. He said that if he felt the guy was dangerous, white or black, he'd keep them out of his house.
Howard said he can't hate a guy just because he's black. The caller said that if the guy got his daughter pregnant, it would change their genetics forever. Howard said that might not be so bad because the Stern genetics aren't all that great.
Howard played a porn clip with a black guy banging a white chick and talking about licking his ass juices and stuff like that. Howard said if he heard his daughter in that situation, that would be tough. The caller was asking Howard about the size of a man's dick and what he'd think about that. Howard told the guy that when he sees his kids, he just thinks about them as little kids and it's all like child rape when he brings up guys banging them. He said that he'd hope that the kids would have a good relationship with the guy and hope that he didn't have a dick that was too big. He said he'd hope that it wasn't something too big, curved or hooked. He also said he'd hope that they'd be with a guy who looks like a young boy down there.
The caller said that he'd heard a rumor about his kids but Howard cut him off and said he doesn't want to go there with him. Howard also said that it would be the worst if there was a sex tape out there with one of his kids in it.
Robin asked Howard what he would do if his daughter brought a guy home with her. He said he thinks that he'd keep them in separate rooms and his ex-wife would probably do the same thing. He said that one of his kids did bring a guy home one time but they stayed in separate rooms. He said that when he and his ex-wife were dating, they'd sleep in different rooms when they stayed with her parents. It's just the right thing to do.
Howard said he really doesn't know how to handle stuff with kids. He thought he did know but he's realized that he really doesn't know what to do.
Howard had a song from a guy who sings about his woman dating a black man and he really has a problem with it. The country song was about his woman dating a black man and of course the N-word was thrown around quite a bit in the song. Howard said that guy doesn't have a good attitude. He said he would have loved to have been in that recording session though. Robin said that he probably wouldn't have gotten out alive if he had been.
Richard Christy came in and said that there are a couple of bars out in Missouri and one in Kansas where they have that song on the juke box. He said that there aren't any black people out in those areas to hear the song though. The guys made fun of the people that must be in those places out there who actually play those songs on the juke box.
Richard said that they talked to the guy who sang that song, David Alan Coe, but Howard thought he'd said that he didn't write it. Richard said that he did write it as far as he knew.
Howard asked Robin about Nick Manning and what he was warning. She said that he was just wearing a shirt and pants. There was no sexual tension or anything like that. Robin said that he didn't leave her side the whole night and he was a perfect gentleman. He was holding her coat, walked her to the bathroom and did stuff like that. She said that it was really funny because the discussions were going from anal sex to the Iliad. She said that one of the guys who joined them for dinner brought up the movie Troy and Nick was talking to him about that. She said that he was a much diffeertn guy than she thought he'd be.
Robin said they all went out to a club and were out until 3 in the morning. Nick was out with them and they were all dancing and having a good time. She said that they had a really good time out and he wasn't putting his hands on her hips or anything like that. She said that he was just an extremely nice person she enjoyed being out with. She didn't have any sexual feelings toward him and didn't get off to him or anything like that.
Robin said that he was very sweet and if all things were equal, she might see him again. Howard didn't understand that and tried to find out what she meant. She said she would never just have a sexual thing with him because he is a porn star. She said she hates to say that but he is a porn star after all. They played some of his movie clips where he's banging a chick and dropping his load on her. Robin said that he's got a whole video catalog of that kind of stuff and that's the problem.
Robin said that Nick held her hand and walked her to her car but that was it. Howard said that he doesn't walk around holding a woman's hand unless something his happening. She said that even Nick said that he didn't think he'd get her on a first date. So he was calling it a date. Fred was doing an impression of him talking about all of this intelligent stuff and then throwing in comments about dropping his load on her and stuff like that. They played more of his audio clips where he's talking to these chicks as he's banging them. Robin said ''Oh my god...'' at one point and said you forget about that stuff when you're out with him.
Howard asked Robin what time she got up the next day after staying out so late. She said she was up by about 10. He asked her if she was wearing a low cut top with her. She said that it wasn't low cut and her boobs weren't out on display. She said that Nick felt bad for her having to go through all of this stuff alone this morning.
Howard asked Robin if she heard from Jim Florentine over the weekend. She laughed and told him not to ask her about that stuff. She said that she's not going to discuss that stuff with him. Howard wondered if she has to tell Jim about going out with a guy like that but she refused to discuss that stuff with him. Robin said there was no issue with him at all.
Artie said the chicks were really hot there and this guy Big John who used to work at Scores runs the place. He said that he went and got some lap dances by himself for about 45 minutes. He said the chick was good and may have rubbed up into his area. He said that the place was awesome. They have flat screen TVs in the lap dance rooms and you can watch any sporting event you want.
Artie said he walked out into the room at one point and saw icing all over the place. Big John was covered in icing and Ronnie had icing all over his face. Artie said that he had a jacket on and Ronnie started running toward him with a piece of cake and ended up hitting him in the back with the giant piece of cake.
Ronnie came in and said that he wasn't the one who did anything there. He was the one who got hit in the face with cake. Then John started throwing cake. Howard asked him why he would start throwing it if he didn't like getting hit. Ronnie said it wasn't his fault and yelled at Howard for blaming him about it.
Howard said that Ross wanted to punch Ronnie in the face after he smashed him in the face with cake. Ronnie said he didn't know who did it to him when he got hit. He was minding his own business and did nothing wrong. Howard said that he did nothing wrong until he started throwing the cake around himself. Ronnie didn't think he did anything wrong but Howard explained to him that he did.
Ronnie said that he didn't ruin the club like Howard said he had. Howard said that he could have just stopped with the cake throwing if he didn't like it himself. Howard asked him why he threw cake on Artie. Ronnie said he did that because everyone else was doing it.
JD came in and said that he was standing away from everyone and just watching the cake getting thrown. Scott DePace came in and said that the only people throwing cake were Ronnie and Big John. No one else was doing it and not ''everyone'' was throwing it like Ronnie claimed. Scott said that there was cake all over the floor and it was all slippery. JD said it was Ronnie and John throwing stuff but there were a couple of others who may have done a little bit of that.
Jason said that Ronnie was also going up to hug people with cake all over him. They said that may have been the reason that Ross wanted to punch him in the face. Artie said that things were going pretty good for a while. He said he knew that when he saw Ronnie with the cake in his hand that there was no talking him out of throwing it.
Howard heard that there was an evacuation at the club after Tim Sabean took a fire extinguisher off the wall and started spraying it. Gary heard from Tim that he did that because the party was ''getting boring.'' Tim said that he actually did it accidentally when he picked up the fire extinguisher by the pin and it just started spraying.
Gary said that the entire office is out there screaming bullshit. They said that Tim was spraying it in people's faces. Artie said that he got some more funny money after the cake thing and went back in with the stripper for like another hour. After that the guys were all heading downstairs to do something else. Artie said that he saw the white dust all over the floor and saw that Tim was trying to put the fire extinguisher back on the wall. There was all cake and dust all over the place in the club. He said it was like they were in the middle of a snow globe. He asked Tim what he was doing because the stuff was getting all over the food and stuff. He said that everyone in the hall got covered with the stuff when Tim took a shot down the hall. The security people thought it was smoke from a fire though. They had to let it all settle and move downstairs. They had to have an unofficial evacuation of the club because of it. Big John was okay with it but he did think it was kind of fucked up.
Howard said he doesn't understand guys having cake fights when there are naked woman all over the place. Jason said that it did ruin the whole party. Howard said none of that would have happened if he were there. He said that he wouldn't have even known that all of those other guys were there if he was at the club because he would have been watching the girls.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that he's still got a sore throat from the toxic fumes from the fire extinguisher. Artie said that it's a great club, Headquarters on 38th St. Howard took a call from a guy who said that they're all a bunch of homos for doing that kind of stuff when there are naked chicks all over the place. Artie said that there may not have been enough chicks to go around and they had to take their lap dances when they had their chance.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie what his fuckin' problem is as he was doing an impression of him. Another guy said that Ronnie is a real fuckin jerk off.
Artie said that one of the chicks there was dressed up as a bunny rabbit for Halloween and she was drinking so much. She didn't seem wasted at all as she was doing it either. He said that she was drinking vodka, Jack Daniels and even some wine. She must have weighed like 100 pounds too. He said she was only 24 years old. Howard wondered if she knew who he was. Artie said she didn't so he just told her that he was Drew Carey.
Howard said he had to go to break after that. He said he's hoping that this ''Bee Movie'' tanks. He said he knows it won't but he hopes it does. He said that he likes Jerry but he's had it too good over the years. That's the reason he wants it to fail. That led to the guys talking about real bees and how they're all dying off and no one is sure exactly why. Howard said it's really depressing because without the bees we're not going to have food.
Artie said he was watching a special on some killer ants and told the guys about that. After that Howard went to break.
Howard got Siobhan on the phone and she said that this was amazing that they were doing this contest. Howard told her that they have to pick the biggest hard luck case here. Siobhan thinks that she is, Nicole thinks that she is. Siobhan said that she doesn't have a husband to help her out and she doesn't have a car. Nicole said they don't have a car either. Nicole said that she has no one in her life because no one takes her seriously. Siobhan said that Nicole won't show them her clam on the show and she won't ride the Sybian but she will.
Howard said that she does have to give Siobhan a point there because she would do anything she had to just to be on the show. He said that they're going to take a vote on who they should have on the show. They have this game to play and some money to give away. He said this person is going to play against Miss Howard Stern to try and win some money. They have $5000 to give to the winner. Howard said he knows that Siobhan needs to pay back her brother, Nicole needs the money to pay her rent and buy groceries. Siobhan needs the money to go right back to her brother and she won't even touch the money.
Howard said he's going to give each of them a minute to explain why they need this money. Nicole said that she's been on the show for many years and she knows that a lot of people come crying and begging at Howard's door. Siobhan said that she doesn't even need the money that bad. She said that Nicole has money and she asks for money when she already had money. Siobhan said that she actually has no money and she's starving so much that you can see every rib on her body.
Howard said that Nicole won't beg so it's Siobhan's turn. She said that Nicole never put out for the show so that's one reason she shouldn't get the money. Nicole went off on her about her fake vagina and stuff like that. Siobhan also talked about how thin she is and how sick she is. Nicole said that she's sick as well though and wouldn't let Siobhan get her point out. Siobhan said that she has some other problems as well but Nicole was talking over her and not letting her get in a word.
Siobhan was accusing Nicole of using steroids and stuff but Nicole said that's just not true. Howard said that she was large in high school and he doesn't think she used them. Howard had to cut them off and just vote for the person they wanted. Nicole apologized for cutting Siobhan off and told her to go ahead with her minute long plea.
Siobhan went off and complained about how she can't get a job because of discrimination. Howard thanked her for that and said that they now had to vote for the person they want to play this game. Nicole said that she has pancreattis and it's incurable. Siobhan said that she has a spinal thing going on and that's a degenerative disease that makes it impossible for her to work. Nicole said that her husband has a heart disease and he can't help her out. She has to take care of him and herself. Siobhan said she takes care of cats that would have been killed if it weren't for her. The two of them were talking over each other and arguing about who should get this chance.
Howard asked Fred who he thinks should get this chance. He went off on the two of them and said that he thinks they're just two lazy dudes who should go out and get a job. He said he'd have to pick the dude that used to be a dude and is now a girl, Siobhan. Howard said that this person has to win tomorrow to get the money so this isn't even a guaranteed $5,000. He asked Artie for his vote. He picked Siobhan as well but only because he feels the worst for Siobhan's brother. Robin picked Nicole Bass and said that she thinks that Siobhan could get a job if she really tried. Both of them said that they can't work and the problems they have prevent them from doing so. Howard said he had to go with Artie and Fred. He said that Siobhan's brother is out a lot of money and he made a mistake giving Siobhan all of the money for her operation. He said that he'd get Nicole into the next contest.
Fred said that he thinks that Nicole could get SSI if she tried. She said that she did try to apply for it but she didn't get it and she doesn't want to screw herself on the air by talking about it. She got in a plug for her web site NicoleBass.com where you can check her out on her webcam.
Howard said that his father taped Alec Baldwin on Inside the Actors Studio and if you get a chance to see it, you have to check it out. He said the guy is super talented and comes off so charming that he thinks that he's on his side in his divorce. He said the guy is so good and original on the show that it's one of the best interviews that he's ever seen. He said he was so moved by it that he wanted to call Alec and let him know. He asked Gary to get him a good number for him so he can do that.
Howard said that he saw this movie ''Gone Baby Gone'' and the movie is really, really good even though Ben Affleck directed it. He said he wasn't sure it was going to be good but it turns out he's a very good director. Ben put his brother in the movie and that worked out. Artie didn't know who his brother was so Howard and Robin told him it was Casey Affleck and he's been in a few other movies. Howard said that the movie was very well done and very well acted.
Robin said she saw ''30 Days of Night'' and it was just okay. Howard loved the movie and couldn't believe she didn't love it too. Howard said the vampires were so brilliant that they moved to Alaska where they have 30 days of night. He said they have a good time eating and killing people up there. Robin said that they had no style and no class.
Howard said a couple months ago he heard that her daughter had died at 31. She was born with multiple birth injuries and was just about dead when she was born. He said he remembers reading about her kid but never talked to her much about it. The doctors didn't give her very long to live so she quit the business and went off to take care of this kid.
Howard said they profiled Phoebe on 60 Minutes and the kid was so disabled that she never said more than 2 words. All she knew was ''hi'' and ''mommy.'' Howard said that Phoebe loved that kid and she knew that the kid loved her. Howard said that the kid died suddenly and it was like the end of the world for Phoebe. He said that he called her up and talked to her about what went on. Howard said she told him that the kid was her whole life. Howard said he talked to her back in about March or so.
Howard said that Phoebe was thinking about going back out and performing again after that happened. She asked him to come to this place called Birdland to see her perform. He said that the club is really cool and there are no more than 5 rows away from the stage. He told Beth she was going to love her before they went. He said that they got there and saw the band walk out and Phoebe walked out and began to sing. She started to talk about her life and brings up her daughter in the show. She talks about how she was dedicating the show to her daughter. She started to sing the song and he was getting chills just talking about it. He said that Phoebe would stick her arms up in the air as she was singing as if she was forgetting that she was in front of an audience. He said that it was one of the most disturbing and uplifting performances he's ever seen.
Howard said Phoebe came out to do another song at the end of the show and all she could do was think of her daughter. She did her version of the song but he wasn't able to remember what song that was. He said he cried when he heard that. He said it was an amazing experience and she's something else. He said that he called up the club and tried to get a seat but they were all booked up. He went down there anyway and Phoebe got him a seat at a small table there. Howard said that the show was great and she's probably going to be doing even more of them in the future.
A caller told Howard to stop kissing the ass of Alec Baldwin and Ben Affleck just trying to get a guest spot. Howard said that neither of them do the show these days and that's not why he's doing that. The caller also told him that his story about Phoebe was too gay.
Howard said some people have been complaining about them using too much profanity on the show lately. Howard said he's going to try and turn that off a bit. He read the note he got from this fan who said they've gotten even more and more loose with the cursing since they moved there and they need to cut back on it. Howard said there is a certain amount of cursing that works and maybe they are over using it. He said that he'll try to hold back a bit on that.
Artie said that he'd be kind of annoyed if they start censoring themselves there. Howard said that they're not going to stop people from cursing but he's going to hold back a little bit himself. Robin told Artie that he can still curse so he thanked her for that.
A caller told Howard he wishes that he could have seen that Phoebe Snow show. Howard had Ralph on the phone and Ralph said that he thought that whole story was really depressing and a horrible evening. Howard said that it wasn't a bad evening, it was an amazing evening for him. Artie said that it sounded like a great night to him. He told a story about going out with Dana to one of these small clubs one time and it was one of the best nights he ever had out. Artie said that Phoebe is the kind of person who has a way to get out her feelings and would probably never kill herself from her depression. He said he really likes that kind of stuff. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had Fred start the pageant with some clips of an announcer talking up the pageant. The announcer introduces Howard and Howard takes over as the host of the pageant. Howard ended up talking about chess for a minute and said that he dropped down from about a 1650 score down into the 1500s over the weekend. He didn't want to continue on that when they had hot chicks there so he moved on.
Fred played an intro for Penthouse Pet (June 2007) Kimberly Williams. She came in and Howard told her she's looking fabulous. She was wearing jeans a shirt and he thought that was kind of odd for a pageant. He told her she may want to remove some clothes, this is a pageant after all. He then broke into song and sang a version of the Miss America theme song with lyrics about the smokin' Penthouse Pets. He then asked Kimberly to take off some clothes. She took off her shirt and Howard said they look so real. She said that they are fake but Howard said they really do look real. He said that they make him feel good, so does she.
Howard read that Marcus Allen had gotten mad at Kimberly after she was on the show last. She said that he had invited her to this event he was part of and she had no idea who he was at the time. She said that he went out of his way to prove he was actually that guy. Then she did Howard's show and he sent her a bunch of texts about her doing the show and asking her what the hell she was doing getting naked on Howard's show. Howard said that's crazy, he saw her in Penthouse and contacted her through Myspace and then goes off on her for getting naked on a radio show. Kimberly said that he was saying that it was degrading for her to go on the show and do stuff like that.
Howard heard that Kimberly was into heavy anal sex so he asked her about that right before asking her to take off her pants. He told her she looked amazing after that. He said that she's a real woman with a womanly body. She said she doesn't even work out. Howard asked her if she looks in the mirror and wonders why she has such a great ass. She said that she actually wonders why anyone would want to have her.
Howard asked Kimberly about her boyfriend and the positions they have anal sex in. She said that she likes to be on her back for that and she likes having it in there. She said that it can hurt sometimes but once it's in there, she's fine.
Howard interrupted and said that some people were saying that there were no names of the girls on the web site. It was Ralph who was saying that. Gary said that the names are there, he's looking at it. Ralph said that the girls names weren't on the page when you click on the picture. Howard told Ralph that he didn't need to be doing this right then and hung up on him.
Howard got back to Kimberly and asked her about this boyfriend she has. She said that he's in the military and he has to serve over in Iraq. That led to the guys saying that they can't goof on him now because he's in the military.
Howard moved on to the personality portion of the contest and asked Kimberly what the most important invention is. She said that car. Howard asked her a few mother questions to find out what she thinks about herself and other things. She was saying that she'd like to sleep with Britney Spears when she was asked what ugly celebrity she'd do if she had to.
Howard then moved on to the talent portion of the pageant and asked Kimberly to do her thing. She was going to tell some jokes. She told her long joke that got some cricket sounds from Fred when she gave the punch line. Artie pretended to find it hilarious and burst out laughing telling her that was fantastic.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Kimberly about when she lost her virginity, at 17, and she said that it was actually horrible. She said that it was the worst 2 seconds of her life. The guy just wanted to get in there and get done.
Howard had Fred play the intro for the next contestant, Jana Jordan, who was the Penthouse Pet in the August 2007 Penthouse magazine. Howard got in a plug for the sponsors of the contest, Clips4Sale.com and ManGroomer.com.
Howard got back to Jana and asked her about some of the stuff that was mentioned in her intro. She likes chicks so they spent some time on that. Jana said that she's actually living with a girl she was dating. She said that they kind of broke up but they're still living together. Jana also said that she had a story about the guy but she didn't want to tell it because she knows the guy is listening.
Jana talked about doing chicks and how they'd use toys and do a lot of licking. She said the sex would last for like 45 minutes to an hour or so. She said that she was good for about one orgasm in that time but the other girl might have 2. She said that they both like anal too so they'd do some stuff back there. Jana said that she really needs a dick though so she likes to have that and a hot chick there at the same time.
Howard asked Jana to remove some clothes because what she was wearing wasn't beauty pageant material. Jana said that she has the smallest boobs of the bunch but Howard didn't care, he said they looked great and they were natural. Will was trying to help her get her clothes off but said he was having some trouble getting them off. Will was ripping her pants off after lifting her off the ground. He was also yelling at her to get naked while he had her over his shoulder. He left her panties on though so the guys told him to go ahead and take them off. They did come off but it wasn't clear if Will pulled them off or if she did.
Howard read that Jana is looking for guys to have sex with and she just graduated high school 3 years ago. She said that her parents aren't that happy about what she's doing and they still ask her to come home sometimes. She said she lost her virginity at 14 to a 15 year old. Howard called the guy an animal for taking her like that. She said that he had sex with her friend and she wanted to get fucked too. She said that it took like a week before he was able to get his dick into her. She said she was really tight at the time because nothing had ever gone up there before, not even a tampon.
Howard asked Jana some personality questions and wondered what one thing about her that she keeps secret. She said that she likes black guys. Artie joked that it was strike three for her parents when they hear that part. She said that she's really attracted to that guy Farrell from N.E.R.D. Howard asked her what she'd bring with her if she was stranded on an island. She said it would probably be her dog, her iPod and cookies or something. Howard also asked her who in history she'd like to have sex with. She said that it would be Betty Paige.
Howard asked Jana what talent she was going to be demonstrating today. She said that she's going to play drums even though they're missing a tom from the set. She was going to do a solo and just play something by the Ya Ya Yas called ''Maps.'' She got on the drums and went right into her drum solo. She didn't do all that bad even though Artie thought it was going to be worse than the joke that Kimberly told. Howard told her that was fantastic. She said that she wanted to kick over the drums but they weren't hers so she didn't go that far. Howard said that he was impressed with that and her boobs were rocking and going up and down as she was playing.
Howard moved on to the next Penthouse Pet, Andie Valentino, Miss May 2007. Howard said that she is one hot chick and she was in there not too long ago. She said that she was dressed kind of conservatively because it was so cold outside. Howard asked her to take some stuff off. He found out that she's only 19 years old. She said that she used to work at a gym and ended up getting into porn. She said that she waited a little while before getting into it.
Andie said that she was working for Danni.com and Penthouse found her through that site. She said she didn't have any teachers who came on to her or anything like that. She said that she actually went to summer school so she could get out of high school early. Howard asked her if her boobs were real and she told him to guess. Howard said they were fake but she claimed they were real. Howard and the guys didn't believe it so Artie asked to do an examination. He went over to her and asked her how old she was right before feeling her up. He said they're unbelievable and said he guesses they're real. Mike Gange said he didn't believe it either so he went over and checked. A few more guys wanted to check but Howard told them that they were real and that was it. JD came in and said that he's in medical school and he should check. Howard let him check and JD did a quick check and said that they were real.
The last time Andie was on the show the guys found out that she's got huge labia. She said that she likes them the way they are and would never change them. She thought that Artie was kind of mean to her after she was on last time. She said that girls ask her about having lips like that and wondered how she handles it. She told them to just go with it and enjoy what they have. She said that she lost her virginity at 16 after Robin asked about that.
Howard moved on to the personality test and asked her what famous person she would have sex with. She said Howard at first and then thought about it a little more. She didn't have an answer. Howard told her to come back to that later. He asked her what secret she keeps about herself. She said that she'd like to be with a girl and she's never said that before. She said that she's done it on film but not in her personal life. She said that she's like to have someone like Jana. She did ask Jana if she would like to go out with her after the show and it sounded like they were going to hook up. Howard then asked Andie what super power she would like and why. She said she'd like to have x-ray vision so she can see everyone's private parts.
Howard asked Andie what she was going to do for her talent. She said she was going to play the violin with her pussy. She was going to stick the bow inside and play it that way. Howard gave the girls some plugs before that happened. All of the girls are trying to win Penthouse Pet of the Year and you can find out more about that in the December issue of the magazine. The girls are all appearing at the Romantic Depot in Paramus, New Jersey today.
Andie got prepared to play violin and asked them not to laugh at her until she was done. She then started to play and actually got out Mary Had a Little Lamb with her vagina. Howard said that was with her vagina. She said that she can play for real but didn't bring the right rest to do that.
Howard said that it was time to vote on the girls for this Penthouse Pet Pageant. He gave some plugs for the two sties that are sponsoring the pageant and then asked Artie who he's picking. Artie said that number 1 is really hot but her joke was one of the worst he'd ever heard. He said that number 2 was hot but she likes black guys. She lost points on that. He said that's just him being insecure, not racism. He said that Andie is one of the hottest chicks that's ever been in there. He said that he's giving his vote to Andie.
Howard asked Fred for his vote next. Fred said that in third place is Jana, she was too lesbian for him. He said that it came down to Kimberly and Andie and they were both 10s in the looks department. He said that the talent portion had to go to Andie and he gave her his vote. He said that it was just one point that separated them in his voting.
Howard said that Kimberly was right in first place until she told that joke. Kimberly said that she tried real hard and maybe she should have tried a little harder. Robin was up next and said she was going to throw a monkey wrench into this. She said that the girls were all great in the personality portion and it came down to talent for her too. She told Kimberly that the joke really hurt her. She said she'd be better off saying she had no talent. Robin picked Jana as the winner because of her drumming talents.
Howard said that even if he votes for anyone else Andie would win. The guys told him that if he voted for Jana it would be a tie. He went on to say that he really liked Kimberly and he'd really want to put his penis inside of her. He gave her vote to Kimberly but that meant that Andie was the winner. She asked everyone to visit her on her myspace page at Myspace.com/AndieValentino.
Howard wrapped up after taking a quick call from Ralph who was saying that the violin was hotter than the drumming. He let the girls get in some plugs for their web sites. Jana and Kimberly had sites so they threw them out there before Howard went to break. Here are the sites:
Ivy said that her tattoos were showing and they were upset about that and the jewelry that was showing. She said that they stuck her in a clown shirt trying to cover her up. She said they tried to find her something but she kept ripping the stuff off. JD came in and said that Tyra has a history of doing this and they have everyone cover up their tattoos on that show. She said that they ended up kicking her off the show when she ripped off the shirt they'd given her. She said that one of the producers said that she was going to get her fired but Ivy told her she didn't care, she's a designer and she can't wear a K-Mart shirt on TV.
Howard wondered what they're so obsessed about on that show that they won't let them show tattoos. Ivy had more to say but Howard cut her off. Ivy said that the producers all thanked her for coming even though she didn't get on the show. She found that all very odd. Howard wrapped up with Ivy and said he's not sure that story was going any further so he let her go.
Howard said he hadn't seen the house in 10 years because he didn't like living there with them to begin with. He said his father bought the place when he was still in high school so they've been there for a very long time. He said that he's going to help them out getting some improvements done on the place.
Howard said that he asked his parents out to lunch and his mother asked where they were going. She wanted to go to a Yogurt place and then said they were going to go to the Freeport Diner. Howard asked her what was up with her and black neighborhoods. He said they trapped him in a black neighborhood as a kid and now they want to drag him back to a black neighborhood for lunch.
Howard said they ended up going to this diner after all of that and his father has something about going out to eat. He had prepared for what he was going to get to eat before they even left the house. Howard said his father wants to know what everyone is getting before they even get there. He said it's really weird and he's not sure what is going on inside his head.
Howard said that there were a lot of white people there at the diner but there were some black families eating in there. Robin said that it was starting to sound like a Bill O'Reilly moment with him talking about going out and seeing black people eating. Howard said that it was actually a very delicious meal that he had.
Howard said that his father was telling him what they have to eat at this diner so they'd be prepared to order quickly. He said they get there and Beth says she's going to run into the bathroom before they order. His father started to freak out. He placed his order as soon as they sat down and then he noticed that Beth wasn't there. He asked ''What happened to her?'' as if he didn't know her name. Howard's mom told his dad that she had gone to the bathroom and she has to repeat herself because Ben can't hear. Ben then asks why she didn't go at the house when they were there.
Howard said that Beth came over and sat down when the waitress came over. His father started pointing out where the omelets were because that's what she said she might have. Howard said that he's not even sure how these places can have so many different things on the menu. He said that everyone ordered and his mother said that she had never had a waffle before in her life. She's 80 years old and never had a waffle.
Howard said his parents wanted to order coffee but they didn't want it until the food came because they want it very hot. Robin laughed and said that he should go out to eat with them every week. Howard said that Freeport actually was kind of nice when he was out there. He said he likes seeing his parents and they're doing pretty good.
Howard said he's going to help his parents spruce up the house and told them that maybe they should get out and move into a condo or something. His father doesn't want anything done to the house because he's just at that age now when he doesn't want change. His mother wants some stuff changed but his father just wants it to stay the same so there's no one in the house bothering them.
Ralph called in and said that Howard is very much like his father when they go out to eat. Howard said he's not that bad but Ralph said he does tell him what to order and stuff like that. Howard and Robin both said that they won't go out to eat with Ralph because he's such a pain in the ass. Howard said that Ralph asks for all kinds of stuff that people don't ask for at a restaurant. Robin said that he'd never be able to decide on something from a big menu like they have at a diner. Howard hung up on Ralph after that.
Artie said that he doesn't do a lot of shows with him these days. That led to Howard asking Joe if he gets pissed that Bob works with Artie all the time and gets on the show. Joe said that Bob has an older style of comedy that kills at a fire hall. He knows that he's going to hear from him and get a new asshole ripped in him now that he's said that.
Artie said that Bob is brilliant on stage and he really can kill at a live show. That kind of thing doesn't work on a Letterman show or something like that because you can't riff off the audience. Howard asked Joe what his friends are saying about Bob. Joe said that some guys think that Bob isn't even a real comedian. Joe said he has a lot of time to talk about that stuff while he's out on the road so that's the kind of stuff they talk about.
Howard asked Joe if he's close to Artie. Joe said that he is good friends with him and called him over the weekend and said he wanted to talk about how they're just ''sometimes'' good friend. Artie said he was shocked when he got that call because he thought he was close to Joe. Joe said that he can do that kind of stuff on stage but not in his personal life. He said that Artie is like Elvis, in size and fame, at this point and it's amazing when he sees people chanting his name at a comedy show. He said that he gets all insecure and can't just call him up and say he'd like to be on one of his shows.
Joe said that it gets hard getting closer to Artie and thinking about how he could die at any moment. It's very hard to get close to him because of that and because Artie puts up a wall around him. Robin asked Artie how long he's been working there. Artie said that he's been there 6 years as of today actually. Robin said that she and Artie have never had a real conversation. He thinks they have though.
Joe said that he and Artie used to live right across the street from one another but he moved up to Westchester and he doesn't hear from him much now. Howard said he's not sure what's being said here. Gary came in and said that he's had this vision of Artie and him being buddies and there is some kind of wall of sorts that Artie puts up around him and it keeps them from getting really close. He said he was going to ask Artie out to dinner but he's afraid to. Artie said that if Gary didn't have a wife and kids they'd probably be closer. Joe said that it's the deepness that's missing from their relationship.
Joe said that he really loves Artie after he talks to the guy and then it just goes away for like 2 months. Artie said that some stuff went bad around the time he was on heroin. He said that he'd make plans with people when he was high and he'd end up blowing off stuff like that so he could get high. He said he never missed a comedy gig but he blew off Dana, his friends, and other stuff. He'd make work a priority.
Artie said that Joe's wife is a really hot shrink and he's not sure how he got her. Joe said that his wife shares an office with a really effeminate guy and he's not worried about that. She doesn't do therapy with people either so he's not worried about that.
Bob Levy called in and asked Joe who these guys are who are so jealous of him. Joe said that they're not famous or anything. Bob said that he wanted to know who they were but he doesn't really care because he's doing so well that he doesn't care. Howard said he gets the feeling that Artie and Joe don't think that Bob is as good as they are. Artie said that there should be more Bob Levy on those talk shows and stuff and maybe it would be more interesting.
Howard asked Bob if he can make good money doing what he does. Bob said that he could make $200,000 a year if it was a good point in his career. Bob said that he's probably made over $100,000 but he didn't want to talk about that stuff. Howard said that there are a lot of working comedians out there. Joe said that there are a ton of guys out there who just suck up on stage. He said that Bob is perfect for Howard's show because he's willing to talk about his fucked up life.
Howard asked Joe if there are times when he'd not working and she makes more money than him. Joe said that's not the case at all. Bob said that he'd be happy if anyone living with him had a job. Joe said that comedians are fucked up and they're not emotionally available. They go out and hang out with the boys for a week and then you go home and there's this weirdness with the wife. Joe said that he has to make his wife a priority after he's out on the road.
Artie asked Joe if he'd be fine doing what he's doing 20 years from now. Joe said that he's been doing what he's doing for a long time, like 20 years, and he's making over $100,000 a year. Bob said that you can make a living doing this stuff for the rest of your life. It does move up more over time though. Joe was saying that he just did Letterman back in July and it gets you nothing more after doing that. Joe said that he's legitimized more on Howard's show than on Leno or Letterman. Years ago that wasn't the case, but that's the way it is now.
Howard said it's a tough life being a comedian and it's not glamorous like some people think. Joe and Artie were saying that a headliner will only make 50-60 grand in a year. Joe said that he's in therapy these days and he goes to see the same therapist that Jim Florentine goes to. That led to Howard asking Joe if he's surprised that Jim is going out with Robin. Joe said that Jim has always been so immature so he is kind of surprised. He said that he's had a lot of fun out on the road with Jim and he is shocked that Robin is going out with him.
Joe said that he thinks the therapist Jim is seeing is helping him go in a different direction with the women he dates. Jim's old girlfriend was like the complete opposite of Robin. The guys talked about how Jim is still doing upper deckers in people's toilets at the age of 41. He'll even show you his nut sack at a rest stop, it's that level of immaturity that Jim still has. Robin was laughing through all of this stuff and said that it's funny that they think that she's dating him. Gary said that Shuli was telling him how Jim will fart in his car, lock the windows and turn up the heat in his car. That's how immature he is.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that this thing with Joe is kind of gay. Artie said that he was talking to Joe about this and he told him that he's kind of moody from keeping this morning schedule that he has all week long. He's not just doing shows on the weekend like some comedians do. He said that over the past few years he's gotten the feeling that Joe's wife hates him. He said she's a shrink and she's really smart so he thinks that she just hates him. Joe said that it's really the opposite and she's a huge fan of his on the show. She has a SIRIUS radio in her car and she's always telling him how funny Artie is on the show.
Joe said that he didn't want to sound like a fag here but sometimes you're going to get a lot of stories from Artie that you've heard a few times but it's so entertaining that you just deal with it. He said that he knows that he's not going to get calls from Artie every couple of days like he does with other friends of his.
Artie said that he's got a few guys he's friends with but he doesn't call them all that often. He said that they usually call him though, he just realized that. He said that he's close with Jim Florentine, Nick DiPaolo and Bob Levy and they probably call him more than he calls because he never knows what to say to anyone.
Howard gave Joe some plugs for some upcoming gigs and a plug for his Myspace page at Myspace.com/JoeMatarese. Howard had to move along after that and told Joe to stick around during the news.
Howard got in a plug for chuck Zito's show that's airing tonight on Howard 101 at 7. Then Ralph called in, again, and told Joe that he does sound kind of faggy talking about some of that stuff he was saying earlier. Artie thinks that it's because he's married to the shrink that this stuff comes out. Joe said that he feels better after doing that stuff though.
Another caller asked the guys how they come up with their comedy material. Joe and Artie said that they take notes. Artie said he had just written down some new material this morning. He said he has a notebook that he writes in and he lists it under SCA (Stand Up Comedy Act). He told Howard he came up with some lines about how it's funny when you're asked where you were at times in your life when big things happened, and they're always the same place. He had some lines about being in his mother's basement when many big things happened. He said if he didn't write this stuff down, he'd never remember it. He threw out a few other lines that he's used on the show and things like that as well.
Artie said that a lot of his current act was written when he was on heroin. They spent a few minutes talking about that stuff and Howard tried coming up with some material of his own. Howard gave Joe a few more plugs for his upcoming gigs and his Myspace page and then went to break.
Howard had Steve Langford and Jon Hein come in with their show previews. Steve said that they have a report about a man out in California who has the name Dell'Abate BabaBooe and they've found that's his real name and he's never even heard the show before. He's been getting prank calls for many years and they'll talk to him today about that.
Steve also said that Robin is going to be interviewing a pianist at a book store when she's out promoting her book. Robin said that she's a huge fan of hers and he's going to do the interview at the store. Howard said that's a great accomplishment for her. Fred went into his Jim Florentine impression and goofed on how he has to go out to these piano concerts and stuff like that.
Steve also said that Riley Martin is suing Sobe beverages for using his saying ''O-Qua Tangin Wann'' and using it in their bottle caps. They'll have more on that today on Howard 100 News.
Jon Hein said they'll be talking about the Penthouse Pet Pageant, Robin's night with Nick Manning, Ronnie's birthday party, Joe Matarese and many other things today on The Wrap Up Show.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played one of Richard's song parodies about her. Robin started her news with a story about how some scientist is saying that some day many years in the future, the human race will be broken into two different ones, a good looking upper class and an uglier lower class which would look goblin like. That got the guys talking about that for a short time.
The guys also spent some time talking about the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series last night. Artie wasn't thrilled with it but Howard gave them some props for their win. They talked about a bunch of other things in the news that Robin brought up.
At one point Robin was talking about some movies and one of them, ''Dan in Real Life,'' came up. The guys mentioned that Dane Cook was in that one so Howard asked Joe if he's not a Dane Cook fan. Joe said that he doesn't have a problem with him but Artie said something in an interview with Playboy that made it sound like he'd called Dane a douche bag and that just wasn't true. He said that it must have been someone else who said that Artie is funnier than Dane but Dane will be around longer than Artie to enjoy his success.
Robin had some audio clips of Jerry Seinfeld talking about his new Bee Movie so that led to Howard doing his impression of Jerry and goofing on him for a few minutes. Artie even did an impression of Jerry and got in on the goofing.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show saying that he should cancel the show today because he's tired. Then he got some feedback which turned out to be Robin's headphones being too close to the microphone. He went on to say that he was up at 3 in the morning and ended up watching Dancing with the Stars. He said he may have to take an Artie nap on the show today. Artie said he likes that they've named the nap after him. That led to the guys talking about taking ''disco naps'' which was something that Artie hadn't heard of before. Howard said that's what they sued to call those naps back in the 70s before you'd go out to the disco.
Howard said he was up watching Dancing with the Stars and it was very depressing. He knows that the show is so gay that he watches it and wondered what his life was coming to. He said the show is number 2 in America though so it's very popular. He said it's a sad state of affairs but he's hooked right into it. Artie said that the show could probably continue even in a writer's strike. Howard wasn't sure about that, he said that Tom Bergeron's lines might be written for him.
Howard said this season of Dancing With the Stars has been pretty good with the stars they have on there and with Marie Osmond fainting and all. He also said that Jenni Garth is looking kind of nutty with those crazy eyes she has. He was talking about some of the other people on the show and how depressing it is that he's so wrapped up in it. He said he's doing it for his audience so they know what's up with the show. He said that he even gave up chess to watch that show last night.
Howard talked about his chess playing and how he's really into that. He said that nothing comes easy to him though. He said he even had to work hard at doing radio. If you want to be good at something you really have to start out when you're a kid though. Artie said that he wasted so much time playing sports and now he wishes that he had learned to play some instruments instead. That got the guys talking about various sports and how there's really no sport to learn at their ages that's worth learning. They talked about golf and bowling as being the only two they could learn.
Artie said that he and Gary had to come back into the city for an internet talk show. He told Howard about that and how they got paid to do the show. Howard wondered where they air this thing. Artie said that it airs on the internet somewhere. The guy does this show from the Gotham comedy club in the city. He said that it looks weird when you watch it.
Howard heard that Artie was on for like an hour instead of the 20 minutes he said he was going to do. Artie said he didn't know that he was on that long. Howard heard that Gary wanted to get out of there but Artie ended up staying on for an hour instead of 20 minutes. Gary just wanted to get out of there. Artie apologized to Gary for doing that to him. Gary said it was no big deal, he stayed in the city so it wasn't too bad.
Howard said that it was way too hot in the studio and it was making him dopey this morning. Artie got back into his discussion and said that he had some spinach and chicken last night after that show and that was it for food. Howard told him that he's on his way to losing weight. Howard told him that if he keeps this up for 2 years, he may get down to 280.
Artie said that he was right up at 298 when he started this diet. He said he realized how big he was when he was sitting on this chair at that internet talk show. He said he wasn't able to turn around in the chair because he's so big. Howard told Artie that it might take a little while before he starts to see some real results from this diet. Howard said that he wasn't even eating now. Artie said he did have a bagel with a little butter on it, but that was it. Howard said that he's cut out the massive amounts of food like he was eating every morning.
Artie said that tomorrow is cupcake Wednesday and he has told himself that he has to avoid them. Gary said that it's really hard to walk by those things every morning. Howard said he knows it's hard to do that because he has to avoid it too. He told Gary that he's making it seem like he doesn't have to avoid the urge to eat one but he really does. He said it's always a struggle and he has to avoid eating that crap so he can fit into the clothes he likes to eat. He likes to go on vacation and look good when he's in a bathing suit so he won't eat stuff like that.
Howard said that Gary covers himself up when he's out at the pool when he comes over to his place. He told him that if he's doing that, it might be time to stop eating that crap. Gary said he thinks about stopping but then he thinks about how he doesn't really need to do that at this point. He can start his diet at some other time. Gary said that he has a bunch of clothes that he can't wear in his closet because they don't fit anymore.
Gary said that he's been really bummed out about his weight lately. He went on the internet and found a weight loss center up near him. He called them and they told him to come in and check it out. He went in and the woman he was meeting with was around 30 years old and kind of cute but she needed to lose about 40 pounds. She had a roll of fat on her and she was telling him how to lose weight. Howard said that's insane to have a chubby person working at a weight loss place. He said that all of these places that write weight loss books always end up getting fat. Even a guy like Arnold Schwarzenegger eventually get fat.
Howard said that even Richard Simmons is fat and out of shape. He said that no one wants that physique. He said he must have a belly and titties. He's seen him in that tank top of his and he's really not in shape. Gary said he wanted to ask that woman about her weight loss and tell her it was ridiculous to ask for $200 a session when she's fat. He said it was almost as if he went to see his doctor and the doctor was smoking.
Robin told Gary all he has to do is stop eating, he doesn't need to spend $200 for someone to tell him that. Gary said that he doesn't get any shit from anyone in his family, he only hears it from the guys at work. He was also talking about how he saw himself on that TV show last night and realized how fat he is. He's up at 225 pounds and he's only 5'8'' tall.
Gary said he's too exhausted to go home and work out. He was going to do some working out with the kids he's coaching but he's too exhausted to do that. Howard asked Artie a question but he was in the middle of his bagel eating. He finished his chewing and said he plans on doing some exercise eventually.
Howard said that chick Jillian Grace who got into Playboy wants to train Artie. Artie said that he'd do that. He thought it would be fun to do that. He thought she lived out in California but Howard told him that she's back in New York.
Gary said they have about 15 pages of stuff where they go back and forth on the arguments. Howard said that the NAB is trying to get the FCC to expand the ownership rules for regular radio at the same time they're claiming that the satellite merger will be a monopoly.
Gary said that they have all of these wacky arguments in this paper that are kind of goofy. They're trying to show how all of this is going to be bad but it really isn't doing that. Howard kept saying that there's a lot of competition out there and these arguments are ridiculous. Gary told Howard that if he reads this, he'll laugh his ass off.
Robin said that she doesn't think that the merger is going to go through. She said that there is a lot of opposition to this merger and there are too many stories out there about people who had innovations that just didn't make it because there are huge companies out there that crushed the plans.
Howard said he was reading about this iPhone thing and how AT&T is paying $18.50 a month for every phone they sell. He said that's one lucrative business right there. He read the article to the guys and said that they're making billions of dollars on a phone service. Howard said that if the merger doesn't go through he's going to have a conniption on the air.
Howard had some audio clips from this new reality show and she's always running around naked and puking. He said that it's all new programming and it's airing on Howard TV tonight. He said that she gets naked within the first 5 minutes of the show. He said that Andrea and her friend are doing the photo shoot with her making sexy faces and stuff and it's really funny.
Howard played one clip where Andrea is puking and making some odd noises. He got a laugh out of that. He said that she's drinking constantly on the show. She goes to a barbecue at one point and she had no idea what it was. Her friend had to tell her what it was all about. Howard said it's unbelievable. He told the guys about some other stuff that was going on with the show and how she was making out with some dude she just met and then falls down in a shower at this party she's at.
Howard played another puking clip where Andrea is throwing up and making some weird noises. Andrea asks for a napkin as she's puking and it's coming out through her nose. She said it was French fries that she was eating and they were coming out of her nose. Then you hear her blowing it out of her nose and complaining that she's got French fries coming out of her nose.
Howard said he wishes that they could have gotten this premiere together so Robin could have seen this show. He said that all of Andrea's friends sound alike and then they call each other and can't hear each other on the phone. He said he's never seen anything like this before. He said that Andrea and this other chick call each other at one point and neither of them can understand what the other is saying. The two of them are telling each other what to do and saying ''Whaaat?'' after everything they say.
Howard said Andrea is always looking for guys with big penises. He played a clip where she says that guys with big cocks are cool. Howard asked Doug when this thing is going to be up on Howard TV. He figured it was tonight. Doug said it'll be up at Midnight tonight. Howard told him that they did a great job and it's brilliant television.
Doug said that there are 4 episodes and they're also working on a Behind the Scenes episode. Doug said that the French fry scene might be the best one. He said that there's like 6 inches of snot hanging out of her nose and a few inches of spit coming out of her mouth. He didn't think that she was even drunk at the time. He said she just seems to get sick for no reason. At one point she was saying that she might have Cirrhosis of the liver and the guys said that she might really have it.
Doug said that Tish, Andrea's hair stylist, is there today and looking cute. She wrote the theme song for the show. Howard told him to have her come in so the guys brought her in a few seconds later. Howard said that Tish doesn't seem that whacked out like the rest of the people on that show. Tish said that Andrea is really trying to work on her sobriety and she's been working with her at the hair salon.
Howard said that Andrea was talking to Tish at the time when she didn't know what a barbecue was. Tish said that she may have just forgotten what a barbecue was. She said that she's also so used to asking people questions and may have just said it out of habit. Tish said that she thought it was fun to tell her what a barbecue was, it was almost like teaching an alien what this stuff was.
Howard asked for Andrea to come in so he could ask her about the barbecue thing. She came in a short time later so Howard talked about some of the funny moments from the show like this one where she falls into the shower. He also asked her how she couldn't know what a barbecue was. She said she does know what it is now. Howard said they even had to put subtitles on the show because it's hard to understand what she's saying.
Robin asked Andrea to explain how she knows what a tramp is. She heard her say that she wasn't a tramp at one point and wanted to know how she knows she's not. Andrea didn't even know that she uses that word.
Howard played the clip where Andrea is asking about the barbecue thing and Tish is explaining it to her. That led to the guys talking about how Andrea has had a bunch of abortions. Howard asked her how many she's up to but Andrea seemed to be avoiding the answer. She said that she's now on birth control and trying not to have any more.
Howard said that Andrea is really mean to her friend in the show. Andrea said that they have no idea of what their past is like. She said that the other girl is bi-polar and she's given her a second chance. She said that her friend is with her dad and kind of dating him. Andrea asked Tish what she thinks of that chick. Tish said that she showed up at the right time to get into that show.
Robin asked if KC is still her manager. Andrea said that she talked to him the other day and he said he still wants to be around. He's not part of this reality show though. Howard said this dude that Andrea is banging in the show looks kind of like KC, but with longer hair.
Robin asked Andrea if she's still drinking. Andrea said she is but not as much. Howard said that Andrea's vomiting could be Cirrhosis of the liver like she was talking about. Tish said that the puking isn't all the time though. She said it was just in that one part of the show.
Howard asked Andrea if she's getting paid by McDonalds to eat their food because she eats so much of that stuff. He ended up replaying the clip where Andrea is puking the French fries out of her nose after that. Tish said that was really intense hearing that. Andrea said that she ended up puking again that day and this guy Corey was holding her hair back for her.
Ralph called in and said that Tish is kind of just as dumb as Andrea because she's telling her that barbecue is a type of food. He said that you should tell the person that they have hamburgers and hotdogs. Tish said that they actually have something called barbecue down there in the south so she wasn't wrong. Artie backed her up with that and said that they do call pulled pork ''barbecue'' down there.
Andrea said that she won't be able to watch the show because she doesn't have Howard TV in her hotel room. She doesn't have SIRIUS either. She said that she wants it on tape so she can see it. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he was going to play it for her and record it as she's watching it. Howard told Doug that if he had planned it right, they could have all been there to see her watching the show at the big premiere. Howard said that they could have had a great time doing that. Doug told Howard to blame him and took all of the blame for the premiere party getting canceled.
Howard let Andrea go and told Doug to show her the first episode of her show. They played her TV show theme song as she was leaving and it turns out Tish is the one who performed the song. Howard said she's good. Artie said he has her album and she really is good. Her name is Letisha Wolf. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they sent High Pitch Mike out to this Angel Ball last night. He got an interview with Randy Jackson. Howard said that the funny thing is hearing Mike's voice. He said that they're all used to it there but it must come as a surprise to the people hearing it there at this event. Mike also got an interview with Don King and asked him about Ellen Degeneres' dog being taken from her. Don said he loves Ellen and didn't seem to know what was going on with that story. Don was defending everyone that Mike was asking him about.
Howard said he's been getting a lot of mail about Mike and Artie's fighting on the show and he's not getting any positive words about Mike at all. He read through some of the e-mail and people were saying that Artie should have beaten Mike's ass after he went off on him on the show.
Howard said that Artie was on the Wrap Up Show calling Mike gay and stuff. Artie said that Mike's report about him was really brutal. Howard said that Mike even wrote a song parody about Artie. He played that and he got Artie all riled up again with that. Mike was calling him fat and going off on him about some other stuff. Artie said that he's going to release Artienation on his apartment if he keeps that stuff up.
Howard played some audio of Artie going off on High Pitch Mike on the Wrap Up Show where he points out all of his features and talks about how he could be gay. He went on and on about the gay thing and Howard said that he doesn't know that Mike is actually gay.
Howard said that Ronnie was on the wrap up show yesterday talking about his party and how someone else had ''instituted'' the cake fight. Howard asked where Ronnie went to school and goofed on him about that. He told him that the word is instigated, not instituted.
Howard said he was yelling at Scott the Engineer and Ronnie the other day about the lame prank they pulled on him. Sal and Richard took those clips and called some guy. The guy had no idea what he was being yelled at about. They had Howard telling the guy that he doesn't want to be pranked because he's the one who does the pranking. Artie said it's funny when people lose it and go off like that guy did.
Fred played some porn clips and had some growling sounds as if it was Artie banging Lisa. Artie said that he's seen real lions fucking and it's wild how the male just takes the female from behind and fucks the girl. Lisa had offered to train Artie and help him lose some weight so they talked about that too. Lisa said that Artie needs to diet and exercise to get that weight off.
Lisa said that she helped Artie style his hair yesterday when he was having his picture taken for an article that's coming out about him in the NY Post. She said they'll be in a feature article about him in November. Artie didn't think she really helped him out with her hair.
Lisa said that there are some girls who are out on the road with the Killers of Comedy and they call themselves the Cunt Pack. They hear stories from some of the guys on the road and they've given Jim Florentine some advice on what to do with Robin. Robin laughed when she heard that. The girls have apparently told Jim to just give Robin a call after he asked how long he should wait.
Howard asked who these chicks are. Lisa said they have Bob Levy's girlfriend and Yucko's fiancé in this Cunt Pack. Gary came in after that and said that there's a conspiracy theory about Robin. He asked her if she's become a Scientologist or something. Robin just laughed. Gary said that the fans are thinking that she's been going out to California so much because of the Scientology thing. Robin said she'd like to keep that going but it's not true.
Lisa said that High Pitch Eric may have saved a life after he found out that a friend might be dying in his house. It turns out that Eric was taking credit for that when it was actually Gay Tony who told him to call 911 when he was having this problem. Eric pretended that his phone was dying when the news department asked him about the incident.
Howard got in a few plugs for upcoming shows they have on Howard 100 and 101. He also mentioned that they have some guests coming up this week and in the coming weeks. Cousin Brucie, Duran Duran, Slash and Debbie Harry were the names he threw out there. He had to go to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him he sucks. Howard gave him a fuck you and hung up on him. He took another call from a guy who told Howard he's doing a good job, unlike the previous caller. The guy asked if he had any games to play. Howard said they do have a game to get to but he can't let the caller play. They're doing this game with Miss Howard Stern to help promote the new reality show.
Bobo called in and asked where the Artie eating marathon was on Howard TV. Howard asked the guys where that show was and got in some plugs for Howard TV. Mike Gange said that the show should be ''Artie Sleeps'' and it should be up. Bobo said that it's not so Mike said that he'd check into it.
Howard said that Bobo has been calling in and giving them show ideas but they all revolve around him. He played a voice mail where Bobo suggests that they have Gilbert take driving lessons with him. He also said that he looks like Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters and they should have a look alike contest between them. Robin said that Bobo looks nothing like Dave Grohl. Howard hung up on Bobo accidentally and said that he anted to ask him where he gets off saying he looks like Dave Grohl.
Andrea said that she watched her first episode out in the green room but didn't get to see it all. She said that she was naked in that scene where she fell into the shower because she was trying to see that guy's penis.
Howard said that they're going to play this ''Are You Smarter Than Miss Howard Stern'' game for a grand prize of $5,000. They're going to have two contestants trying to win the money. They have Rick Rodriguez and Siobhan in to play the game. He kept calling them both dudes even though Siobhan is a transsexual. Andrea said that Rick was hot.
Howard said that both of these guys have hard luck stories so he asked Rick what his was. Rick said he sent a letter to the show and he's trying to save money to buy a ring for his girlfriend. Last year he started a vitamin store with some friends of his. Howard said ''Uh oh!'' in the middle of that and asked why he'd try to start a story like that when there are GNC stores all over the place. Rick said that it was working out stuff and protein stuff. He said that he put up about $13,000 at first and it kept going up and up so he ended up putting in about $20,000. He said the lawyer failed to tell them that they had to do something and that's why they kept having to put money in. He said he wasn't able to write it off on his taxes and he lost all of the money.
Rick said that his girlfriend wanted to get married next year and now she's giving him six months to get his act together and get her a ring. She was there so Howard had her come in. Sabina said that she's not giving him a year, he's exaggerating. She said that she loves him and she's not going to leave him over this. She is hoping that he can get her a ring after winning this money though.
Rick said that he's now a financial advisor and he's got a job. He's trying to save as much money as he can but he's still in the hole big time. Everyone got a laugh out of that when they heard he's a financial advisor after blowing that money on a business like that. Rick said that he's on the verge of losing his job because he's not performing very well at the job. He said that he may go back to being a stockbroker if he does leave that job. Howard wished Sabina luck with this guy.
Howard asked Sabina if she's ever gotten it on with other girls for Rick. She said she hasn't but she is open minded. Gary said that was basically her saying that she wants him to think that it could happen some day, but it will never happen.
Howard moved on to Siobhan and said that her brother loaned her a ton of money for her sex change and now he might lose his house because Siobhan can't pay him back. Howard said he got some e-mail about her not having a job and a blind guy wrote in and said that he's able to work a job every day and he thinks that Siobhan should be able to go out and get a job too. Siobhan said that she's got chronic pain and she can't work though.
Gary said that they got a call from a fan who wanted to give her a job and wondered what happened there. Siobhan said nothing happened and she thinks that it may have been something made up and not a real offer.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave Rick some advice on writing off his business that failed. He thinks that he could write it off. Rick said he'd look into it again because that would really help.
Andrea asked if the sex change thing with Siobhan was to be a man or a woman. She wasn't joking either. She said it was hard to tell. She guessed that it was to be a woman. She asked if the boobs were real. Siobhan said that they're implants and she's not going to get them bigger. Artie said that Siobhan's brother is in really bad shape because he loaned Siobhan money to become a man with tits and a fake vag. Andrea wanted to see the fake vag so Siobhan showed it to her quickly. Andrea said that she wanted to see it with her legs spread but Siobhan asked to see hers. The Howard TV guys showed her some video of it instead.
Howard got to the game and said that the guys have to write down yes or no for this contest. They asked Andrea some questions and they have to guess if she knew the answer or not. Gary said he'll be keeping score. Howard said that they asked Andrea ''What is President Bush's wife's name?'' He asked Siobhan and Rick to write down their answers. He also asked Rick and Siobhan if they knew the names. Siobhan did but Rick didn't. Both of them said that Andrea wouldn't know. Andrea did know though.
The next question was ''Who was Bill Clinton's Vice President?'' Howard asked Siobhan and Rick if they knew the answer. Siobhan said that she knew but couldn't answer. Rick said that he didn't know either. Siobhan and Rick both said ''no'' about Andrea knowing the answer. Andrea said ''Jamie?'' for her answer. The correct answer was Al Gore of course.
Artie told Rick to reconsider a career in anything after not knowing those answers. The next question was 'What is Lance Armstrong known for?'' Siobhan knew the answer and said that he wrote ''no'' on her card. Rick said Andrea would know. Andrea's answer was ''Going to the moon.'' Siobhan got a point for that one.
Howard played the next question which was ''What former White House intern did Bill Clinton have an affair with?'' Rick knew that answer. He and Siobhan both said Andrea wouldn't know the answer. Andrea's answer was ''Monica Lewinsky.'' She got that right.
Howard gave the next question which was ''What is 9 times 9?'' Rick said she would know, Siobhan said no. Andrea's answer was ''hell if I know... 90?'' Howard said that she kind of does what he does. He knows the general area that they'd be in. Howard said he would have figured that Andrea would know math. Andrea said she never did learn her times tables.
Howard talked to Andrea about how her father was a millionaire at one point but lost his money. She told Howard how he and his brother weren't able to work together in this oil company they had so he had to sell out his side. She said that he's now won of the best ''house seller guys'' in the world.
The next question was ''What were the last two states to join the United States?'' Rick said that Andrea would not know. So did Siobhan. Andrea's answer was ''Uhhhhhhhhh Canada and Hawaii.'' Howard played the next one which was ''What is the name of the black democratic candidate running for president?'' Siobhan said she thought it was Obama Barack. Howard corrected her and said that was close enough. Rick and Siobhan both said Andrea wouldn't know the answer. Andrea's answer was ''I saw him on Tyra Banks and it's something like... god damn it... Obama.''
The next question was ''Cannibus is also known as?'' Rick didn't even know the answer. He said he was drawing a blank on that. He guessed that Andrea would know the answer, so did Siobhan. Andrea said ''A meat eater.'' Andrea said she can't believe that she missed that one.
The next one was ''What planet is closest to the sun?'' This time the guys had to hold up their answers at the same time. Andrea's answer was ''Earth.'' The next one was ''Who was the mayor of New York City during 9/11?'' Both of them said yes, Andrea answered with ''Rudy Giuliani.'' The score was 6-4 at this point with Siobhan in the lead.
Howard asked ''What country is the US currently at war with?'' Andrea's answer was ''Iraq'' and Siobhan got that one right so she was ahead 7-4. Howard said there were just a few left. He asked ''A doctor who diagnoses the anus and rectum is known as what?'' Andrea's answer was ''Uhhh, it starts with a G... gynological'' Siobhan got that one right so she was ahead even more. They only had 2 questions left so it was impossible for Rick to win. Siobhan was crowned the winner. She just won $5,000, courtesy of Howard TV, that will be going directly to her brother.
Howard said that you can subscribe to Howard TV by calling 888-4-HEYNOW so you can see Miss Howard Stern's reality show. Howard wondered how long this will keep Siobhan from calling he show. She said it'll be a year but Gary said it won't be longer than March before she's begging for more money.
Gary said that the Howard TV guys saw that Siobhan had a boil in her nose or something. She said it was just a hair growing out of her nose. Howard said that Rick had won $500 courtesy of Man Groomer.
Howard congratulated Andrea on her reality show and said that they'll see how the audience likes it. He said that it will be wild and she puts it all out there on the line for the show. Howard played the last question which were ''How many sides does a hexagon have?'' She said ''Six'' and got it right. She said she's not sure how she knew that but she did.
Howard took a call after that and the guy said that Rick might be an idiot. He also suggested they ask him some questions and see if they can get his girlfriend topless. Rick said that they'd have to ask her about that. Sabina came back in and said that she's not that wild and she doesn't want to get topless. She said that she doesn't want to do that on national TV.
Howard ended up talking to Sabina about when she lost her virginity and stuff. She said that she waited until she was 18 but she did give BJs before that. She didn't even want to get into bra and panties for them even though she'll wear a thong to the beach. Gary tried his best to get her into something sexy like that but she wasn't into it.
Howard played the clip of Andrea puking up French fries through her nose that he played a couple of times earlier in the morning. Howard said that even Artie has never had French fries come up through his nose even with as much as he eats. He wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard finished up the commercials and came back a short time later after Fred played a prank call that Richard and Sal made to a call in show and a little bit of the song ''Hey Ya.'' Howard said that they really need to get some of these guys who have sex with animals on the show. He said JD found a guy on some show talking about having sex with animals. JD said the show was on the BBC or something but the guy lives in Montana or someplace like that.
Howard played the clip where the host of the show talks about these ''zoophiles'' who like to have sex with animals. Then they have the guy talking about how sex is an option with the animals and he enjoys it very much. He said it's not a necessity and it's not just about sex. Another guy says that he has sex with his dogs and a donkey. He said he'd be just as upset losing them as he would be losing his girlfriend.
Howard played some more clips where they talk about people not understanding what they do. It's not against the law in Missouri so that's where some of these people live. Howard and the guys talked about that stuff and how they would just stop being friends with people like that if they found out some wacky shit like that. Howard said he would just walk away and stop being the guy's friend.
There were more clips of these guys talking about how they did their thing for the first time. They had some really creepy music playing in the background of this special. Artie said he has to see this show, he hoped that JD had it on DVD or something. Howard said he does so he should be able to see it. One of the guys was talking about how his horse saved his life. He said that he and his horse had just finished ''making love'' and he looked at her and realized he was in love with her. He told the horse that he loved her as tears were running down his face. Howard and Robin laughed at the guy and goofed on him a little bit. The guy said it was like casting off chains that he had on him that he didn't even know he had. Then the guy says that the horse died.
Howard said that this special was called ''Animal Passions.'' He asked Robin and Artie if they wanted to stop it or keep going. Robin said they could listen to this all day long. Howard continued to play more and we hear this guy talking about his love of this horse ''Pixel'' that he'd love to have children with it. Howard said it would be tough to raise a kid with a hose. The horse wouldn't have much input into the relationship.
Howard asked JD where to get a copy of this show. JD said that he found it on YouTube so Artie may have to get on the computer and learn how to use it to actually watch it. Howard read that if you search for that show on IMDB.com they give recommendations, saying ''If you enjoyed this title, our database also recommends..., and one of them is ''Bridget Jones's Diary.'' He found that kind of odd.
JD told Howard there are some clips with women talking about having sex. Howard played one of those clips where this woman is talking about having sex with her dog. She talks about how she napped with the dog and how the dog had it's paws on her shoulders and licked her face. Howard said he thinks that Artie could get this chick. JD came in and told Howard that she claimed to have been married at one point. Her husband found out about her having sex with the dog and had the dog castrated. She goes on to say that her marriage came to an end over the dog because her husband threatened to have the dog euathanized.
Howard said that must be a killer of a way to lose your wife. It's one thing to lose your wife to a woman, but a dog is something else. Howard played another clip where one of the guys is asked about getting consent from an animal. The guy says that the animals could get away from him if they didn't want to do it. He said his horse could kick him if she wanted out.
Richard came in and said that he had friends that were into that kind of stuff. He said he never wanted to do that stuff himself. One of his friends pleasured their dog with a spoon one time and his dad yelled at them about that. He said he heard a lot of stories about that kind of stuff and knew of a kid who fucked a Pomeranian dog one time. Another guy fucked a sheep at the county fair and passed out in the sheep's pen the next day.
Artie said that from where he's from, you might hear that someone might be in the mafia, out where Richard lived, you hear about guys who fucked animals. Howard played a prank call that Benjy made to a woman where he was pretending to be a horse and had this woman giving him phone sex.
Howard asked Benjy about that call. Benjy said that some other guy had found her on the phones and he hasn't been able to find her lately. He said that she thought that he was her grandson at one point because his name was Benjamin. He said that if anyone knows where she is, call the show and let them know.
Richard said that every Halloween he watches the movie ''Halloween'' while eating a pizza. He said he loves doing that. Howard said that when Beth called him to go to Artie's birthday Richard told her that she must know how much he loves Halloween but she had no clue. Then Richard was talking about rearranging his weekend around the party. All Beth wanted was a yes or no answer, not a whole explanation. Howard told him that he should just edit his story a little bit.
Gary said that he does pay attention to Richard and gave him a rundown of some of the stuff he told him about. Howard said that Richard even blogs about this stuff on his Myspace page and he just goes on and on in that as well.
Howard said that they have a whole Halloween thing playing on SIRIUS. Richard said he listened to that stuff on his way up to get some Halloween make-up done recently and it set the mood perfectly. He said that he had his make-up done and it was really cool.
Richard said that Gary will turn up his radio really loud when he doesn't want to hear his stories in his office. Gary said that he has to listen to a lot of things going on with the show and in the office. Howard told him to just kick his ass out of there if he doesn't want to hear his stories.
Howard said he heard that Richard is upset that Duran Duran is coming in tomorrow because it's Halloween. Richard said he thinks that it's a special day and they should have someone like Alice Cooper in instead. Artie told Richard that they're adults there and they don't think about Halloween like that.
Howard also heard that Richard doesn't go on the Wrap Up Show anymore because he thinks that Gary kisses Artie's ass too much. Richard said that's not the case. He said that he doesn't go on unless they're talking about him. He said that Gary does seem to be annoyed with them lately though. He said that if they have something to tell Gary about, he always seems annoyed by them. Gary came in and said that he really doesn't dislike them, he just has to tell them the way it is when they talk to him. Howard ended up cutting Richard and Gary off in the middle of their conversation and said he was done with that, it was boring.
Howard said he somehow came out of his shell and matured in radio. He said that he was awful when he first started out but he eventually grew into what he is now. He said that he thinks that Meg Griffin worked with him back at WRNW and he thinks that she was pissed off that he even had a job there because he was so bad. He said that she was great at that point in her career and she was just as good then as she is now.
Howard said he doesn't think that he sounds that good doing the live commercials but Fred said he does think that he sounds good doing them. Howard said that he wants to sound like that announcer type of guy and not sound conversational like he actually does. He said he knew guys like that who could do that Top 40-like announcing and he was jealous of them.
Howard said he knows that Meg was disgusted with him back when he worked with her. He said he used to try and copy what she played on her show and tried to do the same thing. He said that the stuff she played was so obscure that he couldn't even find the albums to play them himself. He said her husband was the same way and he was hoping that both of them would like him if they heard that stuff.
Howard and Fred played with some of the wacky songs that Meg and her husband used to play on WRNW. Fred found some weird, obscure stuff that they might have played back then. Howard said he'd just play the popular stuff that he heard on the radio instead of getting all obscure. He said all he wanted to do was announce back then and didn't care about the music.
Howard said that Meg is the real deal and even left K-Rock to go work at a college station because K-Rock didn't play her type of music. She was probably making $100,000 a year at K-Rock and probably went down to 3 bucks an hour at the college station. He said she probably considered him a sell out for staying there at K-Rock and doing his thing. They talked about some of the other wacky stuff that Meg has done and then Gary said that Meg was actually there, right outside of his door.
Howard had Gary bring Meg in to talk about all of that stuff. Meg came in and said that it's been a long time since she's been on the show. She said it was back in the K-Rock days. Howard said that Meg still sounds very professional to this day. He talked to her about some of the stuff she used to have problems with and how she'd refuse to read stuff on the air.
Meg saw that they have flames in the studio and took credit for that because she once said that his studio was like Dante's inferno. Howard said that she must have been disappointed back at WRNW when they hired him because it was an insult to her. Meg said that Howard wouldn't play a lot of stuff back then when they asked him to. She said that he wasn't into playing The Ramones and stuff like that. She said that it was around the time that they were playing Fleetwood Mac on regular stations and they were playing really obscure stuff.
Meg said that it was really weird when Howard would go out to his car and meditate after doing his thing on the radio. Howard said that he was really attracted to Meg back then too. He said that Meg's lover was music though and she wasn't into him.
Meg said that she's working there at SIRIUS on channel 70, Sirius Disorder, and doing the same kind of thing she used to do. Howard said that she's still got that voice with her. He said that he thought Meg was a lesbian at one point when Patty Smith came out. Gary said that Patty once called Howard an asshole on the air. Meg said that she was talking about the obscene amount of money that Howard was getting paid and went off on him about that.
Howard said that Meg was like management back at WRNW so she was like his boss. They talked about some of the people they used to work with and how Howard had to try and fit in with them. He said he had to act crazy around Meg so he could fit in with the other wacky guys she was friends with.
Howard said he had some audio from back at WRNW and started to play it. He cut it off, after about 3 seconds, saying that he didn't want to hear it because it was so bad. Meg said that she listens to Howard every morning now and she is a fan of the show even though he used to think that she wasn't.
Meg got in a plug for her show that she does on channel 70. She mentioned that Vin Scelsa is on that channel too. Howard said he thought that Vin hated him but Gary said that he did turn on him for a while but he's changed his mind since then. Howard told Meg to give his best to everyone over there on her channel and asked her what band she loves right now. She said that she likes this guy Dan Wilson (Free Life) because every single song on his album is good.
Howard was wrapping up with Meg but Artie had a question for her. He asked her about the Bottom Line / CBGBs club that she was trying to save. He asked her if anyone in the rock business just thought about putting the money up for it. Meg said that they refused to take money over there until they had a signed lease to keep the club open for a while. She said that they raised the rent up to like $35,000 a month and it just wasn't possible to keep the club open. Meg said that SIRIUS came up with the entire back rent and offered it to them but it was more complicated than that.
Howard asked Meg about leaving K-Rock and how she was probably making 100 grand at the time. She said it was just about that much. She said that she was making good money over at the college station she went to and was making just under $70,000 over there. She said that the SIRIUS thing kind of scared her but that's why she came there. She wanted the challenge.
Meg said that when she left K-Rock, in 1993, they were playing Aqualung every 18 minutes or so. That led to Fred playing the first few notes of the song and torturing Meg with that for a couple of minutes while Howard made up lyrics to the song. Howard wrapped up with her and went to break a short time later.
Mariann said her hello's to everyone else in the studio and told Robin she was wrong for cursing out Howard last week. She said that she's obviously got the hots for Nick Manning too. Artie threw out a thank-you for Mariann's birthday card but Howard had cut her off at that point so she may not have even heard it.
Howard read some notes about the subscriber numbers that SIRIUS has. He said they're up to 7.7 million at this point. XM is up around 8.5 or so. They've got about 15 or 16 million subscribers between the two of them so there are probably like 30 million people listening because one radio usually has more than one listener.
Robin said that she was reading that some of the major metropolitan areas were left out of the recent Arbitron ratings. Howard said he doesn't really care about that. He read another article about how the tables were turned on XM after Howard went to SIRIUS and brought them to the point that they could be taking them over soon. Howard said that there's another article where they talk about how successful his show is even though he doesn't have the huge number of listeners that he used to. He still thinks that they will be number one against XM if this keeps up.
Howard read some e-mail and one person thinks that Benjy is a meth addict because of his sweating and odd behavior. Someone else wrote in about the goofy video they have of Benjy on Howard's web site. Those clips pop up randomly on the site according to Benjy. Sometimes it's him, sometimes Sal.
Howard read some more mail and some fans think that they should keep up the cursing on the show and not edit themselves. Other fans wrote in about his stories about his parents and how great they are when he does the voices of his parents. Someone wrote in and said that they think that Howard might be jealous of Ronnie the Limo Driver.
Steve also said that they have a Rescue Me salute to the troops coming up and they're not sure if Artie is going to be invited since the USO refused him. Howard said they have someone from the USO coming in tomorrow to say that they haven't turned Artie down and it may have been a scheduling conflict. Artie said that maybe they're going to let him go in 2008 or something.
Steve said that Big Foot is on the loose up in Vermont. He's been threatening to overdose on pills and he's now run off and no one is sure where he is. Steve also brought up the interview that Gary and Artie did yesterday and they'll have more on that today on Howard 100 News.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about the Miss Howard Stern contest and what happened with Rick and Siobhan. They'll also talk about Andrea's new TV show that's premiering today on Howard TV. They're going to talk about Artie's diet, his fight with High Pitch Mike, Lisa G's cookie party and Meg Griffin's visit to the show today among other things.
Robin started her news and read through some news stories and brought up a bunch of various stories. She brought up one about this guy Gary Collins who was arrested for DUI. Howard said he's pretty sure that guy went off on him for being a scumbag one time. Robin said that he is one of those ''holier than thou'' type of guys so he probably did.
Robin went through a bunch of other stories and noticed that Artie was falling asleep again. She wondered why he was sleeping now that he's on his diet. Artie said he wasn't sleeping, he was mad though. Mad that he wasn't eating. Howard said he can see that Artie is struggling with it and told him to drink a lot of water. Artie said he tried that with coffee yesterday. Howard told him to try water, that's better than coffee. He said that he'll get lethargic without water. Artie sounded a little tired as he was talking to them.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show talking about Gary clearing his throat before the show and grossing him out. He said he was going to throw up hearing that. He said Gary was telling him about some of the stuff they had going on today and that's what he had to hear. Robin's voice was sounding odd too so Howard thought she had a cold. Robin said it was a lack of moisture in the air that was doing it to her.
Howard mentioned that people are eating squirrels and there's a warning out there now about that. They're apparently very toxic and filled with lead. He said that some scientists found that they found lead in the stomachs of these squirrels but then they found that the blender they were using actually had the lead in it so that's where it came from.
Richard came in and said that he's had squirrel and it tastes a lot like rabbit. He was also saying that his father kind of introduced squirrels into this one area of Kansas. He brought them into the town that he was living in and that led to him having squirrel hunts and stuff like that.
Howard said he can't imagine eating a squirrel. Richard said that out in the wild it's different than seeing them in New York city. In the city they look kind of cute. Richard said that you'd need a couple of them to make a good meal.
Artie said that he saw a documentary about the Donner party and how the family wanted to make sure they proved that they didn't actually eat other people. Artie said he thinks he'd rather eat a person than eat a squirrel. Howard asked Richard how good his father is at shooting squirrels. Richard said he can take him out from 25 feet away or so. He said he'd use a .308 or maybe a .22 to shoot them. He said his father has really good eyesight and can pick out a squirrel on the side of the road. He'll just be driving down the road and notice stuff like that without even looking for them.
Howard asked if Richard's dad ever pulls over to the side of the road and just shoots stuff. Richard said he's more of a sportsman and would rather go out and hunt for the day than do something like that. Artie said that he and some buddies used to have a row boat and they used to go out and night and the crabs would swim up to the light and they'd catch them. They were threatened with an arrest by the Coast Guard when they did that though.
Richard talked about noodling too. That's where people reach into a blind hole to try and grab catfish. Sometimes they'll lose fingers to snapping turtles when they do that kind of stuff though. Howard said Richard's father is quite a guy doing that stuff.
Richard said that they used to eat a lot of different animals but never pigeons. He said that they used to eat raccoon and squirrel and things like that. He said that his parents both love the sport of hunting and fishing. Howard said that Richard's mother is the one who cooks all of that stuff up and helps out with that stuff. They had a special on Howard TV about that but Howard wasn't sure if that was still up there. He said that he watched Richard's mom cooking up some raccoon and trying to make sure you don't know what you're eating.
Howard said that chicken isn't much different than that and you're eating a bird when you eat that stuff. He said it makes him sick to think that he's eating stuff like that though. Richard said that it's tough when you have pet chickens too, especially when you eat chicken for dinner.
Richard said that they had a calf as a pet and they actually ate it when it was time for it to go. Richard said it was really sad to do that but that's the kind of stuff they ate. Howard said that it's really involved when you have a pet like that. Richard said that he could pet the calf and go out into the field to see it. He said he was probably 10 or 11 at the time. Howard said that would be like him eating his dog Bianca. Richard said the calf's name was ''Calfie'' or something like that. Howard said that he's worse at naming pets than he is. He said he had a pet frog that he named Dainty Jainty.
Richard said that he used to have pet hogs too. They'd take them to a county fair and then they'd take them away to the slaughter house after showing them and winning ribbons for them. Richard said the whole point of doing it was to make them into food though so that's what they had to learn. Richard said he and his sister would sell pigs at the fair and they'd make like $250 for each one. Artie said that bacon tastes too good to save the pigs.
Richard said his father took the calf to the butcher to be killed and cut up for them. Howard sounded surprised that he did that instead of killing it himself. He said that they could get about a year's worth of meat from that one calf though so it wasn't something they did often. Howard was kind of bummed out after hearing all of that. Artie said that it was kind of funny.
Artie said that Shuli got him something cool for his birthday. He got him into a bacon of the month club. Howard said he doesn't eat bacon or any type of meat from a cow. He said they're too evolved for him and even a chicken is getting to him these days.
Howard asked Richard if Calfie would come over to him when he called it's name. Richard said it would do that and it would nudge it's head on him when he'd walk over because he'd have the feed bucket with him. That led to the guys goofing on Richard about that stuff. Richard said that he heard about a guy in Kansas who was caught banging a cow while hanging upside down in the barn. Howard wondered if the guy was on crystal meth or something. Richard said he could have been for all he knows. He said the crystal meth is a problem out in the mid-West and you can tell if they are by the way they look.
Howard said that if we looked at animals like we do people, we'd be considered like vampires. He said that he could write a cool vampire movie where the animals become the vampires. He thought about doing that but then realized he's too lazy to write something like that. Richard told him he should write a treatment at least.
Artie wondered if they're touring or something. Gary said that they're actually doing a 3 week stint on Broadway. They're supposed to be performing ''Girls on Film'' today when they come in.
Howard said that The Eagles have a new album out now and you can only buy it at Wal-Mart. These bands have to make deals with the devil these days and they have to do stuff like that to get distribution. The Spice Girls have an album out and it'll only be available from Victoria's Secret. It's almost like the record companies are completely dead.
Howard said that they have like 32 people in their entourage too. Gary said he and Ronnie were talking about that and said that they think that it's the biggest entourage to ever have come in there. Artie said he got Richard a gift for Halloween. He got him a book called ''Legends of the Chelsea Hotel'' and he's going to set him up for a stay in the hotel too. Richard thanked him for that and talked about some of the history of the Chelsea Hotel and stuff like that.
Richard said that his parents bought them a horse as a pet one time but they weren't able to ride it. Howard thanked him for coming on and let him go. Robin said it's a good thing that this is the last day of this month of Halloween stuff for Richard.
Howard said that Richard was getting fat again so he asked him what happened. Richard said that he's been eating a lot of candy around this Halloween thing. Gary said it's been going on for a long time, not just this month. Richard said that he really likes eating steak and stuff so he goes to this restaurant in the Ritz Carlton in Battery Park for steak. He also likes the restaurant Citrus and a couple of other really good places. Howard said he thinks that Richard's girlfriend got him into that stuff.
Howard said that guys can eat at the same place all the time and it's the women who bring them to other places. Richard said his girlfriend likes Papa John's pizza too though. She's not only into the fancy stuff. Howard heard that they're living together now. Richard said that's true, her lease was up so she moved in with him.
Howard said the first baby wipe is a mess and he has to lay it down. The caller asked him why he does all of that even if he's getting into the shower. Howard said he has to do that because the poking around is the only way to get it all out of there. He said he could write a book on this stuff. Artie said that you have to bring a small hand towel into the shower and use that to wipe your ass. He said that if you're ever in his apartment and see hand towels laying around, stay away! Howard said he has some towels laying around with brown spots on them too. He said he does a test with the towel after taking a shower to make sure he's clean back there.
The caller said that he puts a napkin in his pants as an ''ass rag'' to make sure he doesn't make any stains. He said he keeps that in there all day long so he doesn't stain his underwear. Howard told him he won't stain it if he does what he does. The caller said that if he has an itch back there, he might get stains. Howard told him that if he's doing that he's leaving something behind.
Artie told the caller that he sounds like a very creepy individual. The caller said that he didn't want to hear his shit today. The caller said he had a napkin in there as they spoke. Artie said that poor napkin has to suffer from being in that guy's asshole all day. The caller thought that Artie was a sick individual.
Howard told the guy on the phone that he sounds like he's calling from under a rock or something. The guy said that he was calling from a rooming house and holding the phone in a shit pail or something like that.
Howard said he was out at the gym yesterday and felt like he had to take a dump. He was trying to decide if he should just go home and do it or do it at the gym. He was going to walk home but he wasn't able to hold it in so he took his dump there. He said he did that and then went home and used the baby wipes there. Artie said that you have to do it there because you never know what's going to happen on the way home.
Artie said that the shit is always better at home because you're more relaxed there. Howard said that he usually takes one dump a day but yesterday he had to take two. He went into the bathroom and did his thing again. He cleaned up really good with the baby wipes. He said that Beth got into bed last night after they watched The Biggest Loser and he went to get a rubber but then realized he might stink so he hopped into the shower real quick so he was squeaky clean. He remembered catching a whiff of himself one time and he didn't want the room smelling like ass.
Howard said he hopped into the shower, shot some soap up his ass and waited for the hot water to hit him. He said that Beth was asking him what was going on and he had to tell her that he was just cleaning up a little. Beth threatened to go to sleep so he hurried up and ran back in with his legs all wet. He told her he didn't shower even though his legs were dripping wet.
The caller, Ed, said that he had just cleaned up this shit bucket that he had. The guys found out he was up in Buffalo living in this rooming house. Artie asked him a few questions about how old he is, what ethnic background he has and stuff like that. He's white, 35 years old and talking into a shit bucket. Ed said that he's on SSI right now and not working. He has SIRIUS though so Artie was surprised about that. Artie said this is the kind of guy they should do something for. He asked him if he's got any issues. The guy said that he's paranoid schizophrenic. Howard said he kind of sounds it. Ed said he hears voices and stuff.
Howard asked Ed when he found out he was like this. Ed said it was when he was 28 years old. Before that he was a painter. Artie figured he was a house painter, not an artist painter. Ed said that was right. Ed said that he has one friend and it's not some made up dude. Howard asked him if the guy is afraid of him. Ed said he's not. He also said that he's not going to kill anyone or anything like that.
Howard asked Ed if he ever thinks that his friend is going to kill him. Ed said he doesn't think so. Howard asked him about what it costs to stay in the rooming house. He said it's $250 a month to stay there. He said he's not even allowed to bring a girl to his room there. Howard said that kind of sucks when you pay to live somewhere and you're told that you can't have a girl there.
Howard asked Ed about his ass napkins and where he gets them. He said he gets them from restaurants he goes to. He said they look at him kind of weird when he takes their napkins. He said he always finds shit on those napkins too. Howard said he wants him to come in and show him his procedure so he can show him what he's doing wrong. He said that the napkin is a bad idea and he doesn't like that.
Howard told Ed to come in there sometime so they can check him out. He said he'd do that if they set him up. Howard put him on hold a short time later. He said he really wants to meet him. Artie said that they should give him a lifetime supply of napkins or something as a gift. Howard said he has to change that up and he can't be using napkins like that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's never had any shit in his pants. He said that he's not sure what this Ed guy is doing wrong. He also said that he didn't wear underwear for a while because he's in the Army and the stuff they issue is really rough. Howard said he knows that his friend Dan Flores doesn't wear underwear and he found that out when they were out in California one time. He thought that was kind of odd. He said he pictures Dan being an underwear kind of guy.
Artie and the caller were talking about the new manager for the Yankees and that led to Howard saying that he saw Joe Torre on Letterman and he was saying that it wasn't about the money. Howard doesn't believe that at all and thinks that it was all about the money. The Yankees have a new manager now and that guy is saying that they're going to be in the World Series next year.
The guys spent a little bit of time talking about Joe Torre and how some people think that he's going to show what kind of manager he really is now that he doesn't have that big money behind him like he did with the Yankees. Artie said that he was in the majors for many years before joining the Yankees and he never performed all that well until he got with the Yanks.
Artie said he's kind of worried about this new guy because he's the guy that was ignored in the clubhouse for 10 years. He said that guys like Jeter are going to have a tough time respecting the guy after they had so much respect for Torre.
Howard told Robin that if he left there and JD became her boss all of a sudden, she wouldn't be able to respect him. Robin said that's true. Artie said that it would be more like Howard's agent leaving and Howard getting another guy from his firm to represent him. Howard said that he wouldn't have the same kind of relationship with that guy.
Fred said that he has confidence in this new manager but Howard said that Fred isn't a guy like Jeter. Fred said he thinks that the team could do just fine because the Yankees of 1996 and 97 weren't big stars at the time. Gary came in and said that this is going to change things drastically for the Yankees. Artie said that he's still going to be a fan of the team and he's looking forward to there being less traffic going to the games next season.
A guy from Boston called in and said that the Sox are going to take it again next season. They spent a few more minutes on that subject before Wheels called in and said he saw the Miss Howard Stern Show last night and said he couldn't stop watching even though she sickens him.
Wheels mentioned that he saw Dancing with the Stars last night and told Howard which chick got kicked off. Howard hadn't seen the show himself so he didn't know who got kicked off. He thanked Wheels for the call and let him go a short time later. Howard went on to talk about how the chick who was kicked off was a professional dancer and the audience must have figured they didn't want her to win so they voted her off. He went to break a short time later.
Howard had Lisa G come in to give her Howard 100 News preview. Artie said she was flirting with Beetlejuice out there in the hall. He asked Lisa if she would go out with him. Lisa said that she sent Howard and invitation to her cookie party. Howard said that he can't make it. Lisa said that she knows because people like Bruce Springsteen aren't there.
Lisa said that a fan saw Artie out ordering some healthier food than usual. He was ordering a turkey and provalone sandwich. She said that if you see Artie out eating something unhealthy, give them a call. Artie said that he's been able to stay on his diet no problem so far. He was also saying that he was able to roll out of bed at about 5:45 this morning and got to work by 5:59.
Howard heard that Lisa failed to invite some people to her cookie party. She said that the one person she didn't invite was Will because she's heard him say stuff about the party that's not so nice. Howard said that Gary wasn't invited either and neither were any of the Howard TV guys. JD wasn't invited either. Lisa said she knows that Gary wouldn't come so she wouldn't invite him. She also said that her internet went down the other night. She also said that the Howard TV guys don't like her parties so she doesn't invite them. Artie asked Lisa if she has any younger friends who come to her party. She said that they're younger than his weight.
Howard said that there's some weird stuff going on around there but he didn't think they had time to get to it. Gary told him that they have time, Duran Duran won't be in until 8:30.
Howard said that a bunch of people got Artie gifts for his birthday and Artie hasn't thanked them yet. He said that Tracy got him a Yankees shirt and he didn't thank her for that. Artie said that he did thank Tracy. He said that's bullshit if she's saying she's mad at him. Lisa said that Artie made a crack about her gift. Howard heard that Artie was wearing people's gifts in front of them and not even thanking them for them.
Howard said that someone gave Artie a Jorge Posada picture and asked him if he knows who gave it to him. He knew it was Ronnie. Howard asked him about an AC/DC DVD and a Who documentary. He asked him if he knows who gave him that. Artie didn't know and went off on Howard for trying to fuck with him when he's the rudest gift receiver of all time. He said that he gave Howard a $1,200 gift and now it's sitting in a storage bin somewhere. He told Howard ''fuck you'' and said that he won't even touch a gift. He told Howard he shouldn't be doing this bit because he's a rude prick with gifts. Howard said that's bullshit and he keeps a book with everyone's name in it and keeps track of everything that he gets. Howard then threw it in Artie's face that he spent 20 grand on his birthday party.
Gary came in and said that Steve Langford gave everyone wine last year and the only person who thanked him was Howard. Howard said that he really is a good gift receiver. Howard went on to ask Artie about more of the gifts he got and if he knew who gave them to him. Artie knew a few so Howard was going to give up on the whole thing.
Howard asked Artie a couple more questions about the gifts and Artie didn't know who gave him all of the gifts. He knew some but not all of them. Artie said that he did thank those people for the gifts that he got. He thought that Scott the Engineer had given him something but it turns out he got him nothing. Artie said that he's a heroin addict so he shouldn't be expected to thank people for gifts.
Lisa got back to her news and said that Nick Manning has sold thousands of ring tones thanks to the show. Artie is going to have a bunch coming out eventually too. They're going to be profiling Fred's band King Norris on Howard 100 News today as well. Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy was saying that they should rename Lisa G to Lisa C for Cunt.
Ronnie came in and said that he and Beetlejuice haven't had any problems. He said that it's Levy cooking something up with Beet so that's why he brought him in dressed up like him. Ronnie said that Bob is trying to cook something up so that's why he's doing all of this. Beetlejuice said that he just came in, he doesn't know what's going on there.
Howard asked Ronnie why Bob hates him so much. Ronnie said that he thinks it's because he made Bob look bad on the show one day and he's the new Bob Levy these days having a good time sitting out in the green room on his pills.
Howard told the guys to bring Bob in there so they could talk to him about this. Richard came in dressed up like Ronnie as well and started yelling about being Scoresman and stuff like that. He was doing an impression of Ronnie and trying to get something going with Beetlejuice. Beet was saying he can tell that he's in a mask and he's not fooling anyone. Howard said that Richard has quite an outfit on today.
Howard had Bob come in and asked him why he had Beetlejuice in there doing this today. Bob said that Beetle has always said that he's wanted to protect Howard. He said that Ronnie can't protect anyone. Ronnie said he could take Bob down but Bob said he could take him out no problem. He wanted to get into the ring with him so he could show that. Howard asked Beetle who he'd put his money on if Bob and Ronnie were in the ring. Beetlejuice said he'd go with Bob.
Bob was saying that he and Beetlejuice are always talking about beating people up. Beetle said he's got nothing to do with this whole thing so he doesn't know what he's talking bout. Bob was going off on Ronnie and Ronnie was coming back with his own little jokes about Bob.
Bob and Ronnie went at each other for a couple of minutes. Bob was saying that Ronnie is just a cab driver and not much else. He also wanted to hang out with him at his job one day and then have Ronnie come and hang out with him one day so they could compare the kind of work they do.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about training Mike Tyson as a boxer. Beet thinks that he did and told him that it was back in the 50s that he was doing that.
Howard said he heard that Sean's brother is taking care of Beetlejuice these days. Ronnie said he feels really bad for the guy because he seems not to know what's going on with him. Howard asked him what he means. Ronnie said that the guy has to deal with Bob and stuff like that. That led to Bob and Ronnie going off on each other again.
Bob takes care of Beetlejuice on the road and Beet's former manager, Sean, isn't able to do the job anymore so his brother has taken over all of that stuff. Gary asked Bob if Beetlejuice ever has ''accidents'' when he's out on the road. Beetlejuice went off on Gary yelling at him and asking him if it's ever happened to him. Gary said it hasn't happened since he was about 4. Beetlejuice was goofing on Gary and having some fun with that. He had the guys laughing when he did that.
Howard played some audio of Beet going off on Sal at a comedy show not too long ago. Beet was talking about people saying he's shitting on himself. Howard wanted a different clip where he and Sal were really going off on each other. He had Sal come into the studio a short time later so he could find out what was going on. Sal came in and said that Beetle shits his pants all the time and he helps him clean up. No one knew what he was talking about and Beet ended up going off on him. He said that he's a grown man and doesn't wear diapers. He said he can take care of himself and told him not to worry about what he does.
Howard told Sal that if he says anything bad about Beet, he's going to have to fight him. Sal said that sometimes Beet stinks up the whole room when he shits himself. Beet said he can't stink up the room if he isn't in the room and he's not in the room.
Howard asked for Beet's manager to come in there so he can talk to him. The guy's name is Bobby and he's helping out with Beetlejuice. Bobby said that Beetlejuice did have a little doody in his pants. Beet admitted to that but it turns out it wasn't his, it was someone else's, Bob Levy's. They said that it was actually Dominic the Dwarf's shit that had somehow gotten into his pants in the middle of the night. That's the story Beetlejuice gave him.
Bobby said that he's got three kids and they're kind of freaked out by Beet. The 10 year old can't take his eyes off of Beet. The two year old runs the other way when he sees him. Beetle said he doesn't have a problem with the kids and he doesn't mind if they run the other way. Howard asked about the 10 year old and if they're the same height. Bobby said that the 10 year old is actually taller than Beet.
Howard said that Beetlejuice is going to be in Newtown, Connecticut and Boston for a couple of comedy shows. Check out RevBobLevy.com or JollyDwarf.com for more info.
Sal said that Beet got oral back stage at a comedy show recently. Beet whipped it out and this hot blonde went right down on him. Howard said that even Artie can't get blown like that so easy at a comedy show. Sal said that someone dared her to do that and she did it for about 25 seconds. Beet said that he dropped a load right in her mouth and got to tittie fuck her as well. He said the chick's boyfriend was scared of him and didn't do anything about it either.
Howard said that the craziest things happen to Beet. He said it's unbelievable that a woman would blow him like that back stage. Sal said that the chick looked kind of like Heather Locklear. Beetlejuice was saying that there was one chick who came out to do the blue cheese thing with Bob and she was on her period at the time. He thought that was pretty funny and she had a tampon string hanging out from her. Beet claimed that he came up with a joke about her having a mouse trap back there.
Howard asked Beet if he's feeling any better about Sal these days. Beet said he's fine and Sal took back all of the stuff he said about him. Sal said that he's gotten tired of helping Beetlejuice clean up his shitty pants. Howard gave Beet some more plugs for the comedy shows he's going to be at this weekend. He said you can get those at RevBobLevy.com and you can get booking information for Beetlejuice at JollyDwarf.com
Howard played the audio of Beetlejuice yelling at Sal outside of a hotel room one time. Beetle was screaming and slapping his hands as he was yelling at Sal. Sal said that kind of stuff goes on almost every weekend. Howard said he thinks of Beet as a gentle guy but when he hears him like that it sounds like he's not scared of anyone.
Howard said that Beet's underwear was on the phone for him. The guy said that Beet shits himself every day and he's tired of it. Beet told the guy to go fuck himself. Howard hung up on him and Irish John got on the phone and said that Bob had gotten into a fight with a couple of guys back stage one time and ended up punching them out. That led to Artie telling a story about doing a show in Boca Raton one time and Bob ended up beating a guy up down there. Bob said he used to have an attitude. He's since calmed down.
Robin asked Beet if he's lost more teeth lately. Beet said they've been that way. Bob said he wants to go get them fixed so the guys suggested he get those really white teeth like so many stars get.
Artie was trying to goof on Beet so Howard told him that this is a guy who just got a blow job back stage at a comedy show. Howard gave Beet some more plugs and wrapped up with him a short time later. They went to break after that.
Howard said that the stations will make more money playing music. He said that his show was an unusual thing and it can't be replicated. They're trying to find something similar and it's just not going to happen again. He said that his show is like Haley's comet going through the radio business and it's just not going to happen again.
The guys talked about how you really can't go on in other markets and be successful, unless you're Howard Stern. Howard said that he always felt he could entertain people across the country in morning drive and he was right. Other shows tried but failed. His show actually succeeded.
Gary said that they're always looking for a new Howard Stern every year and it just doesn't happen that way. Howard said all he was trying to say is that he's amazing. He didn't want to say that himself, he wanted the other guys to say it. Robin compared Howard to Michael Jordan because guys like that don't come around often.
Howard said that they've been getting a lot of e-mail from chicks with small boobs for this Hottest Chick/Smallest Tits contest. They need more though and he thinks that they can find even smaller boobs. He said the contest is sponsored by TheBestPorn.com
Robin said that she told Nick Manning that Fred is pretty much responsible for him being as big on the show as he is. He's the one who plays those clips on the show. That led to Howard playing a bunch of the audio clips of Nick that they had. He played some of the clips they had him record and some of his porn clips as well. Howard said he had a million song parodies and stuff that he could play all day long. He played a bunch of quick clips of those and then moved on.
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about the stuff they've heard about Goulet over the years and Artie said that he may have been an alcoholic from what he heard. Howard said he remembers him punching people all the time when he'd appear on talk shows. He said he and his mother would watch in horror as he did that stuff.
Howard played a clip from Jimmy Kimmel's show because Jimmy and his band were talking about Robert's death. Jimmy didn't break down and cry like he has done on his show before while talking about John Ritter's death. Howard played that clip where Jimmy cried. Jimmy knew at the time that Howard was going to play that clip and make fun of him for crying.
Artie said that he cried one time on this show and he made sure he didn't talk while he was doing it. Howard said that was a great moment on the show. He said he went over and hugged him after that. Artie said he knew enough not to speak while he was doing it.
Artie said he wished that he could have seen Howard crying at the Phoebe Snow concert. Howard said that he didn't really cry but his eyes did well up a little bit. He doesn't really cry that much. Artie said he's cried at concerts, including a Michael Jackson concert. He also said that he cried twice at the Jersey Boys play.
Fred played Michael Jackson's ''Man in the Mirror'' but Artie said that will never happen again. He said he was having a tough time back when that happened and that's why he cried. Howard said there's an Elton John song that makes Gary cry because he thinks about his late brother. Gary said the song is called ''The Last Song'' and it's not all that popular. Gary said his brother died back around 1991 when the song was kind of a hit.
Gary started to talk about this video that makes him cry and started to well up and cry just thinking about it. He was kind of laughing at himself but he was also crying at the same time. Howard didn't think that it was going to set him off but it did. Gary said he had to compose himself. He said that it gets tough around the holidays when this stuff really gets to him. He said he hadn't thought about this in a long time.
Howard asked Gary want the video was that he was talking about. Gary said the video was about a guy who visits his son in the hospital with AIDS. He said that he thinks that his father and his brother had a similar thing going on. He said that the video is what really got to him because it makes him think about his brother and father.
Gary said that was really weird that he broke down like that. Fred said they didn't have that song to play so he asked him to cry to ''Tiny Dancer'' instead. Gary said it's not the song, it's actually the video that makes him cry.
Howard played a new prank call that Sal and Richard made. Sal called to place an order at a take-out restaurant and pretended that he was in a library and asked the guy to whisper his order. They actually got the guy to whisper his conversation with him. Then Sal told him he was speaking too low when he did whisper. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard read that the band had sold 85 million records. They said they're going for 86 million with this new album. That led to Howard asking them about the record business these days and how tough it must be now. They said that things have changed over the years and the record companies are trying to find their level at the moment.
The guys said that the albums have always been a promotional tool for live concerts though. That's how they actually make their money.
Howard said that Andy Taylor has left the band and he's writing a book about it. The guys were fine with that and they're looking forward to it. They said that he's still leaving the door open to come back and they can't say that they'll never have him come back.
Howard asked the guys who wrote the majority of the big hit songs. They said that they're all collaborations. They, and I say 'they' because I couldn't tell who was speaking, were telling Howard about how they do their thing and how it can be kind of hard to be out on the road so much.
Howard said that one of the guys wives is the creator of this Juicy Couture brand that a lot of people are into these days. Howard asked Simon about marrying a model and found out that he's still with her after many years of marriage. Howard asked him if his friends told him he was nuts for getting married. He said they did but he knew that he'd met the love of his life at 25 and stayed with her.
Howard asked the guys about what they used to say about Princess Diana years ago. He said that they thought that she was kind of out of it. They said that she was a big fan of theirs and she was always there trying to get their autographs.
Howard said that what's amazing about these guys is that they hit big but were still living at home with their parents. Their parents wouldn't even let them watch what they wanted to on TV at the time.
Howard had the guys perform their hit song, from many years ago, ''Girls on Film.'' Howard had them get right into that and shut his mouth for a few minutes. He said they were going to play some stuff from their new album ''Red Carpet Massacre'' as well.
After they were done performing Howard said that it's no wonder Lady Di wanted to blow these guys. He said that he saw a picture of Simon's wife topless that the guys had given him. He said he sees why he married her. He asked Simon if he was allowed to cheat on her. Simon said that she was the love of his life and he didn't want to do that. Howard said he thought that they were wild guys but that's not the case. Simon said that some of the guys are wild, like Nick. Howard said hello to him quickly and then got back to Simon.
Howard asked Simon if it's true that he liked to dress up like a woman when he was a kid. He said he still does that to this day. Howard asked him if he ever thought he was gay. Simon said he was always into chicks and he never really liked dressing up as a woman. He said he did it once and had some fun doing it.
Howard asked Simon about losing his testicle. Simon said it's not gone, it's just slightly reduced after having an accident racing motorcycles. He said he had a couple of accidents and he doesn't race anymore. He said it was too competitive for him.
Howard asked Simon about racing yachts and how he almost died one time. Simon said that wasn't his fault though. He said there was a rumor that Boy George had a submarine and tried to sink them. Howard read some other quotes from Simon about Bruce Springsteen and how he didn't think that he was as great as people were making him out to be. This was a long time ago before Born in the USA was even out. Simon said that he's come to respect him since then.
Howard asked the guys about drug use and they didn't want to get into details about that stuff. They were saying that they never really got into the hard stuff to much. Howard asked the guys about how much money they could have generated over the years. They said they never added it up. They don't want to think about all of the money that everyone else got out of the band.
Howard asked Simon where his lost testicle is now. He said that it's probably in a field somewhere in Wales. Howard went on to play a track off their album ''Red Carpet Massacre'' called ''Falling Down.'' He asked the guys if they'd be up for performing another live song after they played that. They said they'd love to.
After playing the song Howard asked the guys how long it takes to write a song like that. They said that one came quick, they did it in a day and a half. They wrote it with Justin Timberlake and got it out quick. Howard asked if he's a good guy. They said that he's a really good guy.
Howard gave the guys some plugs for their album and for their Broadway shows. He said you can find out more about that stuff at DuranDuran.com.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy talked about the great song they wrote for the James Bond film. He said that it was the greatest James Bond song ever. The guys said that they were asked to do it as a goof but they ended up doing it.
Howard asked the guys if they banged a lot of chicks when they were huge. They weren't going into detail so Gary came in and said that he heard that John had banged Christy Turlington but he wouldn't admit to that. They spent a couple more minutes on that stuff and then the guys performed their song ''Notorious.''
Howard told Simon that he's still got a very strong voice. He also said he was taken with this woman who was singing with them today. Her name was Anna. Howard asked her some questions and told her that if he was the lead singer, he'd be banging her. Simon said that Anna has met his wife and she knows better.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and told them that it was very cool to see them perform live there. They talked about some of the stuff that they're doing in their concerts now. Howard gave them a plug for the album and for the Broadway shows that they're doing. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was watching the Letterman show where Jerry Seinfeld was on and he was talking about this cook book that his wife wrote. He was saying that they try and dupe their kids into eating vegetables by blending them into the food they eat. Howard said there was a similar book out at the same time and someone else picked up on that. Jerry went on Letterman the other night and said that the woman is a wacko for saying that it was a similar book. JD said that he was also saying that she has three names and all serial killers seem to have names like that.
Howard said the woman responded and said that she never accused anyone of anything, it was someone else who did that. She said it really hurt to hear the things that Jerry was saying about her on a national TV show. Howard said he was pretty brutal with what he said too. Howard said that both books are best sellers. He said that the woman is saying that she never said anything about Jerry's wife's book but Jerry really went off on her.
Fred said that this woman is a former publisher of Eating Well magazine and she's done a lot of other things in her career. He said that if anyone is a wacko, it's Seinfeld. Howard said he thinks that Jerry may have overreacted to the whole thing. Artie said that he could have just gone after the people who actually said the stuff.
Benjy said that the concept of the books are nothing new. Those ideas of mixing stuff into food have been around a long time. Howard said Jerry was really tough on the woman and he wished that he had audio of him going off on her.
Howard said that when he wrote his book the publishers didn't even care what he put in the book. They figured that they'd sell no matter what. Artie said that was kind of the case with his book too. The publishers just wanted to know if the book was going to be mentioned on Howard's show.
Howard said that a young boy playing with matches is being blamed for starting some of the wild fires out in California. The kid admitted to have been playing with matches and starting one of the fires. Howard said he knew a guy who had a kid who was a chronic fire starter. They're really messed up kids. He said they don't give the kid's age in the article. They say that the fires destroyed 21 homes though. He said he'd like to know how they tracked that kid down.
Howard said that FOX News was reporting that Al Queda had started the wild fires out there. He thought that was pretty funny.
Howard played some clips from Letterman where Seinfeld was talking about this ''wacko'' whose book had come out at the same time as his wife's book. He said that she had claimed that she was claiming that they couldn't sue the mushed up carrots that she had used in her book. Howard said he didn't think he was very fair to her in that clip. Artie said that might be the edgiest bit Jerry's ever done.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thought Jerry had gone a little bit far with that rant he did on Letterman. The guys were saying that Jerry was comparing this woman to the woman who broke into Letterman's house one time. That wasn't fair in their opinion.
Howard said he questions some of Jerry's loyalty and he knew that back in the day when he was helping him out with his TV show when it was starting that he'd stop coming on. Howard said that Jerry is even coming up to SIRIUS today and he's not doing the show. Gary said that they flat out turned them down to do the show. Howard said that maybe making fun of him dating a 17 year old was too much for him to take. He said his wife invited him over to their house one time and he didn't go because he didn't know how Jerry would feel about that.
Howard and the guys talked about how Jerry would call into the show and ask for them to help him out with getting people to watch his show.
Steve said that they have a story about Artie being a featured comedian on Myspace yesterday. They'll have more on that today.
Howard read through some e-mail about Artie and High Pitch Mike's recent battles. Some fans think that Mike has balls for coming in and going up against Artie. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he thinks that he needs to get some mangos and pineapples in his diet.
Artie said that he didn't have any cupcakes today, not one. Today is cupcake Wednesday so it must have been tough for him to pass them up. Howard played the High Pitch Mike song parody about him where he tells him to climb up on a roof and follow his dad and then tells him to ''fuck off fat ass.'' Howard heard that Sal and Richard had something to do with that song too. Artie said it seems that those guys really don't like him.
Howard said that Richard and Sal think that he doesn't like them. He said that he did hire them to work there though. He said they were complaining about Artie taking a nap on the show even after he told him it was okay to do that. Howard said Artie has been with the show longer than them and he's got different privileges than they do. Robin said that Sal was asking why Artie can go up to guests and ask for their phone numbers when he can't do the same thing.
Howard said that Miss Howard Stern may have fallen asleep during the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played a clip where she was kind of zoning out and not saying anything for a few seconds. Howard also played a clip where Sal was talking about why he doesn't come on the Wrap Up Show that much these days. He said he thinks that Gary disagrees with him on everything he says so he avoids it. Richard got in on that as well and said that Gary always sides with Artie in arguments and stuff. Sal was also saying that if Howard said something, Gary would agree with him too.
Howard said that he thinks that Sal is really talking about himself there because he's actually the one who would side with him on anything he went with. Sal came in so Howard told him that he think that he'd follow him to any religion he went to if he told him to. Sal said he hasn't taken up chess so that's not true.
Sal said that Gary always agrees with Howard but Howard told him that they argue about stuff all the time so that's not true. Sal is the one who said he'd blow Howard if he asked him to. Sal said that's bullshit and he wouldn't do that.
Howard asked Sal who got into the food fight at the pizza place they had Artie's party at. He pointed out all of the stuff that Sal does wrong and that's why he won't have him over at his house. Sal said he doesn't get why he has to bring up all of that stuff about him to make him look bad. Artie said that's because he always does stupid shit.
Artie said that Sal and Richard are good at what they do but they won a contest to get on the show. Sal said that he and Richard are always being honest and not trying to agree with people all the time like other people do. Howard said that Sal is the only one who he won't hang out with at home. Gary said that Sal has been reprimanded more there than he's ever reprimanded anyone else.
Artie went off on Sal and Richard for what they have going on at the comedy shows. Sal was yelling at Artie saying that he's always defending him when he hears shit about him. Sal said that Artie sucked on MAD TV and on the Norm Show and no one knew him before he was on Howard's show. He sounded really angry while he was going off on him but Artie was just laughing. Sal said that Artie carries himself like he's some legend of comedy when he's really not. Sal told him to go down to Philly and rip off the fans on New Year's Eve with the same act he did last year. The two of them were screaming at each other about this stuff.
Artie told Sal that he'll beat his ass after the show if he wants. He also told Sal that he hopes his kids die of AIDS as he was walking out of the studio. He said that he doesn't want that to happen until after they're like 25 years old.
Howard asked if that was for real. Artie said that was the real Sal right there. He's heard that venom come out of him before. Richard said that he doesn't hate Artie. Artie said that he's never had that problem with Benjy and asked him about that. Benjy then pretended he was Sal and yelled at him for a few seconds.
Richard was saying that Artie always goofs on him about stuff he says and it's kind of upsetting to him. That led to him complaining about Robin goofing on him too and saying that no one would care if he died.
A phone caller said that Sal has no right disparaging Artie the way he just did. The guy said that he'd do that job that Sal is doing for free. He said that Sal and Richard want to be Artie and that's why they get so upset about this stuff.
Robin said that all they hear are the negative things even when they say positive things about them. They focus on the negative when they're not always being bashed. Richard said that he agrees with Sal on some of that stuff but he doesn't agree with him about all of the things he was saying about everything he's been in sucking. He said he liked Artie in ''Elf.'' That made everyone laugh and Artie told him that everything he says sounds stupid.
Artie said that Richard and Sal are a couple of pussies for crying over them turning down bits and stuff. Meanwhile that's what happens to every comedy writer. They can't play all of their stuff on the show. Richard said there was a bit that they wanted Howard to play last week when Gilbert Gottfried was in and Gary wouldn't let him play it. Gary said he didn't want to try and cram it in there. He eventually wore him down and told him to go ahead and put up a note about the bit. Gary said that Richard won't take no as an answer so he has to just let him do stuff like that.
Richard still wasn't accepting the answer about why Gary didn't want him playing that clip on the show. Richard kept saying that all he wanted to do was give Howard the option to play the clip. They went over it a few times and Richard was still saying that he just wanted Howard to have that option. Gary did give him the option to let Howard know it was available but he just kept going with it.
Richard said that they had another bit that Howard didn't play for weeks and he kept asking Gary to play it for him. Gary said he did play that for Howard and Howard needed time to think about it for a while. He eventually played it on the air and they loved the call.
Artie said that Sal really has a lot of hostility toward him and it shows that he's obsessed with him and Howard 24/7. Sal was in Gary's office holding up a sign that said ''Die.'' Then he added a ''Please'' to that. Artie told him that was brilliant. He asked Sal if he's ever gone in for an audition for anything. He answered his own question and said he hasn't. He said that Sal has bailed out on his comedy act in the middle of it after claiming he could do 15 minutes.
Sal came back in and went off on Artie again. Artie told Sal that he was going to beat his ass out on the street today. He said that he only pays him to do the comedy shows because he's a charity case. Sal said that at least he has a relationship with his kids and he doesn't think that Artie would ever do that with his kids because he's a lying heroin addict. He left the studio yelling.
Al Rosenberg called in and said that he's definitely getting his money's worth out of this today. He said that Artie is able to keep the show moving and doing a great job there and that can't be said about everyone. Robin thinks that Sal believes that he could be Artie and that Howard doesn't think that he could.
Al was saying that he thinks that maybe Sal is dragging Richard down with him in this whole thing. Richard said that's not true and Sal is a brilliant mind when it comes to putting together bits. Howard said he thinks that the team he has now is the best team he's ever had on the show before.
Sal came back in and said that he's not jealous of Artie. He said that he's said that he's the funniest guy on the show and he's consistently funny on the show. He complained that Artie says that they have the mentality of 5th graders every time they come in there though. That's the stuff that upsets them.
Artie said that some of the stuff Sal and Richard do is really funny but he doesn't like other stuff. They do a lot of gay stuff and he's not into that. Howard said that the only one who defines what they are is him. Howard said that Sal is having problems with his wife and he's taking it out on them there. Sal said Artie is always taking jabs at him and he's not sure what else to do.
Howard asked Sal if he was just crying because someone claimed that they caught him doing that out there. Benjy said that Ronnie was signaling to him that it looked like he was crying so that's why he wrote that. Artie told Sal and Richard to take what they dish out or get the fuck out of there. Sal and Artie calmed down a bit and Sal was kissing his ass a little bit saying that he really is one of the funniest guys on the show.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans yell at Sal. One guy told Sal to take a break and go smoke a joint or something to calm down. A woman said that Artie might need a cupcake to calm him down. Artie said that it's like poking a bear today. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest today and they need to do this like once a month. Another guy told Artie to go fuck Sal's wife. Artie said he didn't want to punish her.
Richard was saying that Robin is the one who has been really mean to him. She once threw out a script he'd given her to read. He complained about that for a short time as Robin giggled at him. Howard wanted to get out of this but the guys were bringing up more and more stories.
Gary said that Howard once got mad at Craig Gass when he fell asleep in the Jackie Chair back when he was trying out for the job. Howard got pissed at him back then. Howard didn't get pissed at Artie when he fell asleep because he's been on the show for 6 years and he told him to sleep.
Jon Hein gave a really quick rundown of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up Show today. Most of what they'll be talking about is what just happened.
Howard and the guys also talked about Ellen Degeneres for a few minutes after Robin brought up a story about her. They also talked about Rosie O'Donnell's latest battles. They talked about some Halloween stuff that was in the news as well. They went through some other various stories before Sal came back in and started going off on Artie again.
Howard took a call from a woman who was complaining about Sal going off on Artie and he called her a stupid bitch. Howard had Robin get back to her news after he booted Sal out of the studio again. Robin talked about Robert Goulet's death and spent a few minutes on that. They also talked about David Copperfield's legal problems for a short time. Robin wrapped up her news after that and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show with some headphone squeal from Robin's booth. Robin told Howard why it happened and it sounded like she still had a stuffed up nose. She was still denying having a cold though. She said it was just a stuffed up nose. Howard said he and Beth were talking about that yesterday and he was telling her that Robin won't admit to having a cold because she doesn't want to admit that she can get sick with the diet she's on. Robin told him he's being ridiculous with that. Howard said that's basically what Beth told him too.
Howard said that Robin thinks that she's found the magic way to health and that's why she won't admit to having a cold. They also talked about how Robin doesn't like it when she gets sick thinking that she's on this really healthy diet. Howard said he feels that Robin has a cold. Robin said she does not have a cold, her sinuses are just blown up with some kind of congestion. Robin said that Howard used to have the same problems with his throat and sinuses and that's what's going on with her. She said she's going to continue to not have a cold.
Artie said that he roomed with a vegan, Orlando Jones, for a while so he knows what that can be like. Howard said that today it's 84 percent humidity outside so she can't be complaining about the dryness. She said it's in the hotel she's staying in that it's dry. Robin said she's staying in the hotel so she doesn't have to drive in every morning.
Howard said that Robin used to have a really nice apartment but she sold that and moved out to another place and now she has to commute. He said he told her not to move out of the city because she'd have to drive in to do anything she wants to do there. Robin said that she continues to be in the city and she's doing fine. She said she's doing okay with that and she doesn't have a cold.
Howard said Robin didn't shake Duran Duran's hands yesterday because she said she might have a cold. She said that was just in case she did. She still thinks she doesn't have one. Howard said that maybe it's her body trying to get rid of some toxins or something. She said that when you do get a cold your body is trying to get rid of something inside, that's why the snot and stuff is constantly coming out. That's your body's defense against an invasion.
Robin said that she's in looking for an apartment in the city again, she can't continue to do things the way she is. She's been in the hotel for 2 days now.
The caller, James, was going on and on telling the guys how he listens to the show so Howard cut him off and thanked him for calling in. He let him go a short time later.
Another caller told Howard that there's no better time for a Sal roast after what went on during the show yesterday. Howard said the fight started there but continued on the Wrap Up Show. He said that he had some clips to play. He wasn't sure who heard what though. Another guy said that he would never take Sal's side and he never thought he'd have to choose sides in something like that. Howard didn't hear all of the fight, he just started listening to the Wrap Up Show clips when he got in this morning so he didn't hear it all.
Artie said that he doesn't get what Sal and Richard's problem is because they talk about him behind his back complaining that he's ripping on them too much. He said he does it for the air and busts their chops the same as he does with anyone else on the show. He said it's creepy to work with someone like that and he doesn't want anything to do with them if that's the way they're going to act.
Artie said that they all contribute on the show but Sal and Richard started all of this stuff. Howard read through some e-mail about the fight and people were telling Howard to get rid of Sal. Some people loved the meltdown and want to hear even more.
Howard said there were some Sal supporters in the e-mail but most of the stuff was against him. Howard read through a few more of those. Some people think that both Sal and Richard should be kicked off the show. Howard said one guy summed it up nicely. He said that they should stop the fighting and realize that everyone likes Artie and they hate being goofed on by him, that's why they get so upset. Artie said that the show is about busting each other's balls and he doesn't say anything that mean about them.
Howard said that some people think that Artie is a little out of line when it came to saying he wished Sal's kids got AIDS. Artie said he took that comment back later on because it was out of line. Robin said that Sal and Richard have begun to act as if they don't belong there hiding in their office back there. Howard said that's true.
Howard said Artie was really going at it during the fighting yesterday. Artie said that the first blow out on the show was wild and if they typed it up and read it, you'd see how he was just defending himself. Howard asked the guys to do that so he can read it on the air.
Fred wanted to get in on the conversation so Howard put him on hold and played the ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' theme song so they could have a Fred moment. Howard then let Fred give his comments on the arguments. Fred said that it all started off with one conversation but Sal kept letting out more and more stuff that he was mad at Artie about. He took it to an even the score type of conversation. He said that both Sal and Richard are angry with Artie and they're doing whatever they can to get their point across. Fred said that Artie is just goofing with them but they make it an anger thing. That's why Artie had no recourse but to take it where he did.
Howard said he found it interesting to hear what Fred had to say today. Fred also threw in that he thinks that Seinfeld is a whacko. He went on to explain why he thinks that he is. He said that Seinfeld is America's sweetheart but meanwhile he dated a 17 year old and also stole another man's wife from him right after they came back from their honeymoon. Fred said that Seinfeld is the whacko and Artie is innocent.
Artie said that Howard pointed out that he did have a career going back when he started there but Sal was saying that he's acting like he had this huge career going and acted like he was some big shot. He thinks that he came in very humble and still thinks that he's humble. He also said he doesn't want to deal with Richard pulling people aside and talking about him behind his back. He doesn't like office politics like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to say some stuff but his phone sounded awful. The guy was saying that he agrees that Sal was out of line yesterday with his comments but so was Artie. Artie said that the whole thing got ugly and he realizes that.
Another caller said that all three of them are out of line but they also gave him a lot of belly laughs. Howard said that they're almost like the Three Stooges in that way.
Jason came in so Fred said that there are some people in the mail saying that they're mad at him for telling on Richard yesterday. Jason said he feels bad about that. He was just trying to let Artie know that Richard was madder at Artie than he was letting on. He said that stuff just comes up during regular conversations and he wasn't pulled aside just so he could tell him something like that.
Jason said that Richard was upset with Artie for saying one thing to his face and saying other things behind his back. Robin said that they're under a delusion back there thinking that Artie is going around talking about them so much. Artie said he sits there with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard at their material sometimes. He doesn't get it.
Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Gary was talking about Sal setting himself back a few years by doing what he did on the show yesterday. Artie then went off on Sal for being that bitter motherfucker that he used to be on the internet. He said that Sal thinks that the audience is just as nuts as him but they're not, he's the nut.
Artie said that Sal wasn't even in there at that time. Howard played more clips of Artie going off on Sal about a bunch of things from his career to his wife and kids. He was making fun of his stockbroker years and his stand-up comedy. Artie said that guys like Nick DiPaolo think that guys like Sal are like Beetlejuice when they do these comedy shows. Artie said that's the way he looks at him too.
In another clip Richard is talking about how he gets annoyed with this stuff so Artie told him to just stay away from him. He said that he doesn't like him or Sal and to stay clear of him and they won't have any trouble that way. Jason got in on that and told the guys what Richard had said about Artie behind his back. Richard admitted to some of it but said that he didn't want to rehash the whole thing where Artie bashed him at the roast. Artie says that you have to be a phony in show business and that's why he's told him that he's good when he does his stand-up.
Howard said that he was feeling good that there's some good radio going on after his show. Fred said that people say some crazy stuff on that show and they should call it the truth serum show. Howard played another clip where Sal came in and talked to the guys about what he said about Artie. He said that he said what he said and meant a lot of it. He thinks that Artie is two-faced. That led to Artie going off on Sal telling him that he was trying to say funny things. Sal said that it wasn't working. Then Sal said that he admires and respects Artie which made no sense after he had just gone off on him.
Howard played another clip where Sal and Richard were telling Artie about the ideas that they come up with on the show. Artie said that they're not writers and they don't come up with sketches and stuff. Sal was taking credit for a porn star family feud thing and the old vs. new idea. Gary said that they've been doing that bit for years though. Artie said that they're not writers, they're just Wack Packers that they have fun with.
Artie said that he's still not talking to those guys as of today. He said he'll look the other way if he sees them out in the hall. He said he's afraid to say anything to them because they'll think that he's ribbing them. Robin said she's known for doing stuff like that so Artie said he has to get some advice from her.
Howard played the last few seconds of the Wrap Up Show where Sal and Artie were arguing and Sal was telling Artie that the stuff he was saying about his kids wasn't all that funny. Artie told Sal that he doesn't want to talk to Sal and Richard anymore and he doesn't like them. He said that Richard is talking behind his back and it's not cool. He told them not to ask him for advice anymore and he won't help them out with their acting. Sal told Artie he sucks at acting and his Rescue Me thing sucked. Artie told Sal to go fuck himself and said he doesn't want to see him again. He threw in a raccoon reference too as the show was fading out.
Gary said that it was so real because Sal was walking out the door and Artie was yelling those things out to him. Howard asked Artie if that screwed up his diet yesterday. Artie said he was able to stay on it actually, he was fine.
Howard said he actually has a few other clips and one of them was Rev. Bob Levy talking about who is a comedian and who isn't. Howard played that clip where Bob was kind of stumbling over his words. He eventually got into it and tried to explain who was a real comedian or not. Sal and Artie ended up going at each other again during that discussion.
Howard played another clip where Artie and Sal were going at each other about the comedian thing. Artie said that Sal is kissing everyone's ass when he goes out to these comedy clubs. Sal told Artie that he's a junkie and fuckin' idiot. He said that he could never hold his family together like he's trying to do. He told Artie that his testicles are all dried up from the drug use. Howard asked Artie if that's true. Artie said he's not sure about that but he'd like to know.
Robin said that they should get Dr. Keith Ablow in on the show to try and work things out between all of them. Jessica Hahn called in and said that she doesn't get the ''we'' thing that goes on between Sal and Richard. She also asked who the fuck Sal thinks he is for going off on Artie the way he does. She said that they're always saying ''we'' when they talk like they're one person. Robin said that they're like victims sitting back there in their office feeding each other's paranoia.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is all about jealousy. He said that Sal has a lot of stuff going on in his life and he's taking it out on Artie. He thinks that he's just fed up with the rest of his life and it comes out against Artie.
The caller told Howard that Miss Howard Stern is a mess and he watched her reality show on Howard TV. He talked about her falling over in the bathtub when she as naked in the bathroom with this guy she liked and it showed what a mess she is. Howard said that there isn't a minute in that show that's slow. They really put together a great show over there.
Howard saw a less edited version of that first episode and Andrea was on a mission to find the guy who had the biggest dick at this party she was at. He said as soon as he saw that show he knew it was a hit. Artie said he saw the episode where she had French fries coming out of her nose and her boobs pop out at the end of it. Howard said he wanted to see that clip himself so he asked the Howard TV guys to put it up on his screen. They put it up and played it for them a short time later. Andrea was puking and blowing her nose because French fries were coming out of it.
Howard said that they need to have more reality shows on Howard TV. He said that he's got an idea he's working on with them where they'd have a game show going on. He said that the shows aren't cheap to make though. He said they have to shoot hundreds of hours of footage to make these things. He said that it's hard to put it together as a coherent story. Artie said that she may be even more out of control than Anna Nicole Smith was. Howard said she's like Anna Nicole but sad.
Howard asked why Sal and Richard weren't coming in. JD came in and said that they told him to let them know that they're fine. They sent JD in with that message so Robin said that they're losing it back there in their office. They're obviously hurt. Artie said that he's not going to take any jabs at them and then did an impression of Richard complaining about him. Then Howard heard that JD was a horrible spokesperson and that's not what they said. They're busy working, that's why they didn't come in.
Captain Janks called in and said that he saw something go on in court yesterday. He was in there to pay a ticket and he heard someone's cell phone go off with one of Nick Manning's dropping loads ring tones. He said the judge fined him $25 for having his cell phone on in court. Howard said he's heard that Nick is making some good money selling those things.
Janks said that they should have seen the look on the judge's face when she heard it. She obviously didn't know what it was but there were a few people laughing in the court. Janks said he tried asking him to call into the show but he didn't speak English very well.
Howard let Janks go and JD came back in with another message from Sal and Richard. He said that Richard is working on a Larry King audio book and Sal is working on something else. Artie thinks that they're trying to prove to him that they contribute to the show. Howard said he loves them all and appreciates everyone's contributions to the show.
JD came back in and said that Sal and Richard want an ISDN line in their office so they can talk to Howard from there. They seem to be afraid to come into the studio. Artie couldn't believe that and said that he's not going to say anything to them to upset them today. JD came back in and said that they told him that they're not mad, they're busy. He also said that they told him that they're not trying to get a FOX contract to get off the show like Artie did. Artie said he has news, no one is offering them a contract.
Gary asked Howard if he's going to feel a burning desire to do radio when he's 70 years old. Howard said they'll see what he's going to be doing in 3 years when his contract is up. He doesn't think he's going to be doing radio at 70.
Gary said he thought he had some Cousin Brucie clips for him to play but he gave Howard the wrong information. He eventually found the clips and played one where Brucie is talking about how he's not a fan of this ''schlock, shock'' radio that Howard Stern does. He said it's not fair to pick on just Howard because there are so many other guys doing the same type of thing. Brucie said he's all for freedom of speech but he also said that he doesn't think that shows like Howard's belong on the air.
Gary said that there was one thing that Brucie didn't want to talk about today. Howard figured it was the hair thing and he was right. Howard said he was fine with that, he doesn't need to get into that. Gary said that Brucie had introduced the Beatles at Yankee Stadium one time. He thought that was a big deal.
The guys talked about some other DJs who brag about knowing rock stars. Artie told a story about Scott Muni doing that with a clip of him talking to the Rolling Stones and they actually say ''hi Scott'' in a clip that he used to play all the time. Howard said there was this guy, Ed Shockey, down in Philly who introduced himself as ''Ed Shockey, friend of Billy Joel's.'' They brought up a couple of other guys who were doing the same type of thing with other rock stars.
Gary said that Ed Shockey passed away a few years ago. He said that you would know within a few seconds of talking to him that Bruce Springsteen had once slept at his house.
JD came back in and had some e-mails that Sal and Richard wanted them to read on the air. JD read them himself and they were anti-Artie of course. Artie said it sounded like an 8th grader reading a paper when JD did that. Mike asked Howard if he's going to let them not come in there. Howard said he can't force them into the studio. Gary said that Richard told him it was a mistake for them to do what they did yesterday so they're going to pass on it today. Howard said that Artie wins this round in his opinion. He said he put up with that negative e-mail just fine and didn't go out crying or anything.
JD came back in and said that the guys were just working and moving on. Howard said he's never seen anything like this. Two guys pussying out and not coming in. Fred threw in a bunch of Iron Sheik clips calling them faggots and stuff. JD said that they know that Howard is just trying to bait them into coming back in and they're not going to do it. Howard just wants to ask them what they're going to do when they see Artie out in the hall.
Howard said he figures that the people on SFN are upset with Sal and Richard for not coming into the studio. JD came back in and said that they just created another great bit by sending him into the studio. Howard said that's the bit huh? He told JD not to come in anymore. He had to go to break a short time later.
John said that they have some people like Robin Williams and some other people scheduled and they actually had to push back Scarlett Johansson for the same reason they pushed Artie back. They have this one guy performing who Howard had never heard of. Gary knew who the guy was though.
Gary asked John if they've gauged how many guys might want to see Artie over all of these other people. Howard said that he could pretty much guarantee that they'd want to see Artie over those other people. John said he knows that they want to see Artie but they have to wait for an opening. John said that he can't firm up a date but they will work him into a schedule. They're trying to fit him in sometime in January. They need about 3 months to put a tour together and they have to make sure that they have everything set up. It's not as simple as just knocking on a door and letting people in.
John said that the process is very long and they had this Christmas tour set up in June. Howard said they must have to approve what he's doing too. John said that they do have some standards but they don't edit or wrestle people off stage. They prefer them not to get political and they've never had a problem with Al Franken saying anything political.
Howard said that Artie would like his own Black Hawk helicopter. John said that there's also the issue of a flak jacket but the sizing wouldn't be a problem. Howard said that he would never go over there himself and he's very proud of Artie wanting to do this. John said that there have been some performers who were killed in World War II and in Vietnam when they went over to do stuff. Bob Hope's hotel was actually bombed when he was over there at one point. John said that they don't usually talk about where these shows are going to be held because there are a lot of people who show up and they don't want them being bombed. John said he feels very safe when he goes over there though.
Robin asked if there's a time when they do hand the performers a gun. John said that doesn't happen. Howard asked him a hypothetical question about being attacked while doing one of these shows. He wondered if he would be allowed to have a weapon. John said that they'd just wait for the attack to stop and then get back to the show.
Howard asked if he thinks that Bob Hope's hotel was attacked because he was there or if it was just a random thing. John said he wasn't sure. He said that they don't usually worry about that stuff when they go over there now.
Howard said he was going to pencil in Artie to go over there in December of 2009. John said they can beat that schedule. John said that they really love comedians over there and they will make it happen. He said that Artie isn't being targeted, at least until he goes. Howard thanked John for calling in and let him go after thanking him for doing what he does.
Slash said that Steve Adler, from Guns N Roses, and he used to play together. He said that he was inspired to play after watching him banging on his electric guitar that he couldn't even play. Slash said that he was raised on music because his parents were in the music business. He said he found that he did have a knack for it and things worked out for him.
Slash said that he was going to play bass and Steve was going to play guitar. He said he went to a music class and the teacher was playing some Hendrix licks and he realized that's what he wanted to do. He said the teacher showed him how to string a guitar and some other simple things like that which helped him out.
Slash said that the teacher could learn any song by ear and he realized that he could do that himself so he didn't bother learning music scales. Slash said he still does stuff by ear to this day. He did some stuff with Ray Charles and he had to read some chord charts when he worked with him.
Howard read that Slash was married two times and he even cheated on his second wife the night before they got married. Howard said he thinks that it's because Slash's mom was having a love affair with David Bowie when he was a little kid. Howard found out that Slash's mom is a black chick and Howard figured that must be his thing to bang black chicks. Slash said that he doesn't consider himself anything after Howard asked him if he thinks that he's black. Howard also asked him if kids would shame him for having a black parent like that. Slash said he was always just different.
Howard read that Slash's mom used to do hard core drugs with him when he was like 12 years old. Slash said that his mother had a friend who would get him loaded when he was around 12. They'd go out and pillage the neighborhood in the middle of the night. Howard said that must screw up a kid like that when he's got an adult doing that stuff with him.
Howard said that Slash could have ended up being a junkie or something like that. Slash said he did have some artistic talent so he could have been an artist if he didn't become a guitar player. Howard said that Slash even entered into another dysfunctional family when he joined Guns N Roses. Slash said that Axl never was an addict but the other guys were using some of the hard stuff. He said that Axl would get high once in a while but he was never an addict.
Robin asked Slash what it would take to get him back into Guns N Roses. Slash said he left the band because there were some things that he couldn't handle. He thinks that Axl wouldn't want him back anyway. He said that they had some tough times getting the band on stage on time and things like that.
Howard asked Slash if he'll ever cut his hair since so many guys are cutting it short now. Slash said he never really thinks about it. He said that he's always had that hair, ever since he was a teenager.
Howard said that Slash must have loved having David Bowie hanging out at his house. Slash said it was cool but he was only 9 or 10 years old. He said he was pretty apprehensive about hanging out with him because he was the first guy that was around after his father left.
Howard asked Slash what attracted him to the drugs because he seems like such a reasonable guy. Slash said that it came down to the amount of down time he had. He said that when he was out on the road he was in work mode. When he had down time he wouldn't know what to do with himself. That's what led to him doing the drugs. He said he tries to keep the work thing going so he doesn't fall into that again.
Howard asked Slash if he's cheated on his wife since they got married. Slash said he hasn't done that. Howard asked him if he's on Subutex like Artie is. Slash said he used it for a short time and that was just a year ago. He said that it was to get off of Oxycontin though, not heroin. Slash talked about how he had smoked heroin for the first time and it didn't do anything for him. He later shot it up and it worked then. He said it was probably about a year between those two times.
Robin asked Slash if it was weird to wrap up his arm and stuff. Slash said that was half the fun doing that. He said that he eventually found that the stuff didn't do it for him the way it did that first time so he just got out of it. He said he didn't do any rehab for that but did a rehab stint about a year ago.
Howard asked Slash about the rules that some guys in the bands have about him not drinking in front of them. Slash said none of that goes on with him. He said he doesn't drink himself now and it's working just fine for him. He doesn't mind if people drink in front of him.
Slash said that the rehab he went into was a place where you needed a lot of money to get into. He said that he was the only one there at the time so there weren't any other people to deal with. He was getting off of the Oxycontin at the time.
Howard read an excerpt from Slash's book where he talks about Izzy cumming on his leg while they were both taking turns doing this chick. At the time he told Izzy that they had to get a bigger place to live in. He said that it was a really bonding moment though. He said that Izzy didn't know where he was because it was kind of dark in the room at the time. Howard asked him what he did with the load after that. Slash joked that he had her lick it up but he'd actually used one of the blankets on the bed to wipe it off.
Howard asked Slash if he felt bad for these chicks that they used to double team. Slash said he's not even sure who these chicks were so he didn't think about it. Slash told Howard that he used to throw parties and he remembers one time having this chick on top of him and Ron Jeremy got behind her and started doing stuff to her so he felt kind of invaded at that point. He had to put a stop to that stuff after that happened.
Howard asked Slash about sharing the chicks with Izzy and if they would use different inputs or something. Slash said he never really did the anal stuff. He said that he thinks that he'd be getting oral while Izzy would be doing her and they'd switch around. He said that he's prefer to have one or two girls for himself and not share. He said he can count on one hand how many times he actually did share a girl.
Slash said that he remembers some incidents with other guys that he put in his book. He said that his buddy James Hetfield from Metallica had a girl in his hotel room one time and he was face fucking her against a wall and doing it in that really intense way that he does his singing with the band. That happened before he was married of course.
Howard said that Slash talks about the things that went on with Guns N Roses and how he blew his signing bonus shortly after he got it. Slash said it was only $7,500 so it wasn't all that much. There were a bunch of other wild stories that Howard mentioned being in the book. Slash had one story about a girl waking him up blowing him. He said that she was only a kid too. He said that she was probably only 14.
Slash said that when he was growing up he saw a lot of adults having sex. He even walked in on his parents having sex one time. It was just the one time though.
Gary came in and asked Slash about what happened a few years ago when Axl was going out as Guns N Roses and performing and he went to see them. Slash said he wanted to see the show and they refused to let him come into the venue. All he wanted to do was see the band but he was kept out. He said that he'd never seen the band before and they thought he wanted to come in with his guitar and top hat and take over on stage. He said he was intrigued to see what Guns N Roses was at that point.
Howard asked Slash what he thinks about Van Halen now that they have Eddie's son in the band. Slash said that they have to make it clear to the public that not all of the original members are in the band. That's kind of what he was thinking with the Guns N Roses thing. He said he really didn't want to do anything at that show he went to though.
Gary said that he went to see Guns N Roses a few years ago and they had this guy Buckethead playing in the band. Slash said he actually went out as that guy for Halloween a couple of years ago. He said that he's heard some of that guy's stuff and he's technically proficient but there's no heart there.
Slash was also saying that Axl didn't even know he was at that Hard Rock show that time. He wasn't the one who banned him, it was a former manager of theirs that did that.
Howard read that Slash has only gotten one STD in his life. He got genital warts on his penis and one time had some odd legions on his stomach as well. He said that he was thinking that it could be AIDS legions but that's not what it turned out to be. Slash said that he really lucked out he didn't get anything else because he wasn't really using protection all the time.
Howard read that Tommy Lee once teabagged him when he was passed out. Slash said that the balls didn't touch him, at least he doesn't think they did. He said he was passed out at the time and only has pictures to see what happened.
Howard asked Slash why he had sex with this ex-girlfriend the night before he got married. He said that they had always had a good time together and someone ended up ratting him out for everything that he'd done behind her back. They separated for a little while but he got lonely and wanted to go back. He said he was like a sex addict back in the day and he would have 4 hotel rooms at a time when he was staying in the hotels just so he could bounce around. Howard asked him how many chicks he's banged. He said he doesn't know and he doesn't brag.
Howard asked Slash how his kids are going to rebel against him with all of the crazy stuff he's done. Slash said he doesn't know. He said that the kids are really good kids at this point. He said that they have two boys now and that's probably payback for everything they've done.
Howard asked Slash about the bands that are out now and who he likes. Slash said that the Foo Fighters still get what rock and roll is all about and they're one of the greatest bands to come out in the past 15 years. He said that Dave Grohl is a great guitar player and a great writer and he had no idea that was going to come from the drummer in Nirvana.
Howard said that Slash has written a great book, it's called ''Slash.'' He's also in the game Guitar Hero 3. Gary said that it's one of the coolest games ever too.
Gary asked Slash where he came up with the licks for ''Sweet Child of Mine'' because he thought that they were warm up licks. Slash said they weren't warm up licks but it was just something he came up with out of nowhere. That's what led to them writing the song when Axl heard him play it.
Gary also said that Shuli used to live out in Vegas and he worked at a store where they used to develop film. He said that the actually developed some film of Slash naked. He said that he saw the pictures and didn't realize that it was slash who had dropped the film off at the store until he saw the pictures.
Artie asked Slash about his drug use and what caused more chaos in his life. Slash said that the coke is what really made him nuts. He said he'd do heroin most of the time and he did some crazy stuff on that. He said that he did something at an event one time and he could have gone to jail if the promoters hadn't sent him home. Slash said he was running around naked thinking that something was chasing him. He was hallucinating at the time and ended up knocking down a maid at the hotel. She filed charges against him for that. Slash said that the was such a mess that the doctors had to put a difibrilator in his heart to keep him alive.
Howard said that Slash was at Anna Nicole's funeral so he wondered what that was about. Slash said that his wife was close to her but he wasn't. He spent a minute talking about that and then Howard wrapped up with him. Slash mentioned that the band he's in now, Velvet Revolver, has a new album out as well. That's called ''Libertad.'' They went to break after that.
Howard asked Brucie about the kind of ratings he used to get doing his show back in the day. Brucie said that he would always do late night shows, he doesn't like getting up in the mornings. He said he likes to hear Howard's show in the morning. Brucie told Howard about how he had a great announcer voice from the age of 9 on. He said that he went to NYU and even taught there for many years.
Howard asked Brucie how he got his first job. He said he sent out a bunch of tapes to radio stations and got a few responses. He said some people told him to go work for his father and one guy offered him a job. He'd never had a job before so he was kind of scared. He later found out that he was going to have to work 4 hours on the air and then 4 hours in a car wash. He turned that job down and then got a call from someone in Bermuda. He took that job and worked there for about a year. He said he was called ''The Hammer'' down there because of the kind of music he brought with him to play there.
Howard asked Brucie when he lost his virginity. Bruce said he lost it at 11 but he didn't know what was going on at the time. it turns out that it was a 30 year old woman who had seduced him. He said that the woman was someone who worked for them at their house. He didn't want to say exactly who it was because he wants to save it for a future book. He figures that she's not around anymore so he's not too worried about Howard bringing her into the studio.
Howard said that Brucie was basically molested at 11. Brucie said that he was a willing participant in that and that smile on his face may be from that. Howard said that this was some story and asked what this woman did to him. Brucie said that he was a big boy at the time and it was happening every week at the time. He said that the woman was very big. He said he was only 11 so he didn't know what to look at or what to do. Howard asked if she used her hand on him. He said that it was oral occasionally. Bruce said that he didn't really lose his virginity but he did get off thanks to that woman.
Howard asked Brucie if he had a lot of women down in Bermuda. Brucie said that there were a lot of women at the time. He said ''The Hammer'' had a good time and ''nailed a couple'' of women down there.
Howard said that Bruce has just signed a 4 year contract with SIRIUS and has vowed to never go back to WCBS in New York. Bruce said that he was there for 23 years and only got a 45 minute warning when he got fired. He said that they were out to lunch at the time with Mickey Dolenz and meanwhile they were back at the station ripping logos down and deleting everything from the computers.
Howard said that CBS-FM was billing $30 million a year and there was no reason to change it. Howard said that Bruce predicted that the new format, Jack FM, wouldn't work. He was right. They gave up on the format after 2 years. Brucie said he got a call from the station asking him to come in for a meeting. He said he met with them and they asked him to come back. Bruce said that they told him what they were going to do and they were going to do the same thing and not bring back CBS-FM. They weren't going to play the 50s music that they used to play when he was there. He told them that he wouldn't come back because of that.
Howard asked Brucie what kind of money he was making at the station in the heyday when they were getting 30 shares. He said he was making like $150-200,000 a year which was a lot at the time. He said he was also making money doing appearances and stuff.
Brucie met up with a guy by the name of Bob Sillerman and they went in together and bought about 82 radio stations. They ended up selling them to Clear Channel and made some good money off that. Brucie said it was a lot of money but he doesn't remember how much it was. He said that he was a partner in the venture but he really doesn't remember how much money it was.
Howard figured that Brucie was worth over $100 million but Brucie said he's not. He said he had some things happen in his life and he's really not worth that kind of money. Howard said he wouldn't even work if he were him. Brucie said that he loves what he does.
Howard asked Brucie if he ever had two women in bed with him. Brucie said that he did have that. Robin said she thought he was a conservative guy. Howard asked him if he ever had a threesome with Murray the K. Brucie said that he was very sad about the ending of his life. He died of stomach cancer.
Howard asked Brucie about the movie ''Private Parts'' since he got so upset about the way they handled ''Good Morning Vietnam.'' Brucie said that he thinks that the movie held up and overall he liked it. Howard asked if he was angry with him when he saw the movie. Brucie said that he admires him and said he wouldn't be there if he didn't really want to meet him on the air. Howard said that he loves Brucie and it's a big deal for him to meet him too.
Howard said he'd like to read about all of the stuff he went through in his career if he ever does write a book. Brucie said that he's tried various drugs over the years. He doesn't do them now though. He said that he's smoked pot, did coke once and dropped acid one time. He said he's never had that feeling since then.
Howard asked Brucie if he has a big penis. Brucie said he doesn't look so he doesn't know. Howard said he heard that Elvis used to call Bruce to thank him for playing his records. Brucie said that the was a sweet, good guy. Howard asked Brucie if he ever took any payola to play records. Brucie said he was offered stuff to do that and he once took a couple of cherry pies as payment.
Howard asked Brucie if he ever had anal sex. Brucie said that he never did that so Howard wondered if he'd regret it if he died tomorrow. Brucie said he's okay with it. He wasn't looking for that.
Howard said that Brucie says that the best moment for him was the time Bob Hope walked into his studio. Howard asked him what was so great about that. Bruce said that everyone in his generation loved Bob and grew up with him. He said he remembers Bob and Jackie Gleason walking into his studio at the same time. He got tongue tied at the time and that rarely happens. He said they came up to learn how to become DJs so they could do some skits for some show they were doing.
Howard asked Brucie what famous chicks he met back in the day. Brucie said that none of the artists he met have ever come on to him. He said he's very professional when he does his show. He said he's not a sexual guy on the air so that could be the reason. Howard asked him if he's ever done a woman in his studio while he's on the air. Bruce said that when he's working, he's doing it for the people and never does that kind of stuff.
Howard said that Brucie has written this new book ''Doo Wop: The Music, the Times, the Era'' and said it's a coffee table. Brucie talked about some of his favorite Doo Wop bands and Howard gave him some plugs for the book and for a signing that he's doing at a Barnes and Nobel in Manhattan on 66th Street tonight at 7.
Howard asked Brucie if anyone knew about that woman who took his virginity at 11. He said that his brother knew. He said he's not sure if she did anything with his brother or maybe his father. Howard gave Brucie a plug for his show that he does on channel 6 there at SIRIUS. Robin asked Brucie if he thinks that Howard is the greatest radio performer of all time. Brucie said that he is the greatest, right after himself. Brucie said that he does like that Howard came there to SIRIUS and he was like a Christmas Tree when he showed up there.
Howard told Brucie that he was going to send over a Sybian for his show. Brucie had no idea what it was so Artie described it as an outboard motor with a dildo on it. Brucie said he'd probably just trip over it in his studio if he did have one.
Robin asked Howard if he ever had two chicks at once. Howard said that he once had two girls, one giving him oral and one making out with him one time. Howard asked Brucie if he ever watches porn. Brucie said no so Howard assumed he was lying and Brucie said that it was a lie.
Howard threatened to come over to Brucie's show one day and talk about masturbation and taking Viagra and stuff like that. Brucie said that he'll be out that day and Howard can do the show himself. He did admit to having taken Viagra and said it's no big deal to take it. He said he'd glad that they have the option to use stuff like that. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about that. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
After the break we heard an Evil Dave prank call to an adoption agency. Fred played some Van Halen ''Everybody Wants Some'' before they came back. Howard came back a short time later and said that he was looking at some pictures of the entries for the Hottest Chick / Smallest Tits contest. He had a perfect entry and showed the guys the hot chick who had some small boobs. Fred wasn't able to see it very well so he asked Howard to move it around so he could see it better. Fred said she was definitely top drawer.
Artie said that he was having something scary happening to him. He said that he'd just taken a Subutex and got high off of it. He said he doesn't usually get high from taking them and he's loving it. He said he wanted to take another one because the high was so good. Howard said that's probably because he's not eating all of the crap food that he usually eats.
Artie said that he's been eating as healthy as he can. Howard told him that now he's feeling the effects of the diet. Artie said that he's giddy from the drug and he's loving the feeling. Robin asked him why he took it. Howard figured it was the fight with Sal and Richard.
The guys talked about how great the Cousin Brucie interview was. Howard said that even Brucie kind of enjoyed it. He told Lisa G that he was kind of tickled after doing the interview even though he's not usually into that type of radio.
Fred played some songs for Artie since he was high. Robin wanted to ask Artie a question but he was giving her a weird look.
Howard got in a plug for the Hottest Chick / Smallest Tits contest they're running. They're still looking for women to enter the contest. He said that this one chick he was looking at was really hot and he wouldn't care if her boobs were small. He saw Artie with that high look on his face and got creeped out by it. They said that it could have been Slash talking about the drugs earlier that got him thinking about the Subutex.
Fred played some more songs with drug references in it for Artie. He played Jefferson Airplane's ''White Rabbit'' and Howard sang along with that for a short time.
Howard said that the National Enquirer broke a story about Dog the Bounty Hunter using the N-word in a conversation with his son while he was being taped. He was telling his son he didn't want him dating this black woman he was going out with and used the N-word. Howard said Dog is claiming that he's not a racist though. Mike said that he said he had some twisted logic there and said they use the N-word a lot around there where they live. He said they don't mean that in a negative way.
Howard had the tape of Dog talking about using the word and how he wasn't going to take the chance of losing everything he's got just to use that word. He said he didn't mean it in a derogatory way. Mike said that he's throwing his kid out of the house and out of his job if he doesn't give up the black girlfriend. Robin didn't get what he was saying in that clip. Howard said that he seemed to be saying that he wants him to give up the black girl because he and his buddies use the N-word all the time.
Howard said that the guy did have a defense to offer up, although it is a very shaky one. Artie said that when he got there to the show, he gave up the N-word so he could work with Robin.
Mike gave Howard some more details about that whole story and Howard sounded kind of confused by it. He said it was very confusing and there were a lot of details in there. He had Mike get to his game after that. Here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said Gary told him that Ryan is such a good announcer that he gives two time checks during that interview. He said he likes hearing that, it's really necessary to give the time during an interview. He played through more of it and Ryan got in that time check and the station call letters at the same time when he asked if Britney was still there. A minute later he gave another time check.
Howard said that he knew that when he left radio that terrestrial radio was going to turn back to that awful time check-type of radio. He said they're just about there now. He played a little more of the Ryan Seacrest interview and goofed on that a little more.
Ryan asked Britney about her kids and how often she's going to see them. She said that her lawyers are taking care of that. The guy on the phone with Britney yelled out ''Talk about fun stuff'' as Ryan was trying to get something out of her. Howard said it sounds like she's having a good time out there doing all of that stuff.
The guys goofed on Ryan for giving those two time checks just one minute apart. Robin said that Britney's album is getting good reviews which is a surprise. They played some of her song and then High Pitch Eric's cover of the song.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Slash's interview and how that could have never happened on terrestrial radio. That led to Howard talking about the FCC and how they have finally done something good and made it possible for multiple cable companies to go into apartment buildings so there's some competition going on.
Jon said they'll be talking about Cousin Brucie during the Wrap Up Show. They'll see if they can get Sal and Richard to stop by as well. Howard thanked him for that and let him go. He had Robin get to her news after that.
Will came in and said that the phones are down but the guys were blaming the phone company, not the phone system there. He said he thinks that they're full of it and it's the engineers there. Howard let him go and had Robin get into some news stories.
Robin had a story about Heather Mills crying during an interview. She had some audio clips that Howard played as well. They goofed on her about some of the stuff she was saying in the interview. She goes on and on about people writing these stories about her and she claims that she's trying to protect her husband, Paul McCartney, from stuff and they're making up a lot of stories that aren't true. Howard told her to shut the fuck up and stop doing interviews.
Sal then started in saying that he and Richard are very passionate about what they do. They don't mind the jokes where they're ball breaking on the show. Sal said that what hurts is when Artie takes a jab at the work they do on the show. Sal said that they're just up and coming guys and they just want to be part of the family. Sal said that's where they feel they're being ribbed and jabbed at. Richard said they're not mad at Artie either.
Howard had a transcript of what Sal said about Artie. He read about him talking about ''those stupid fucking shows'' that Artie used to be on and then went off on him about ''Beer League'' and some of the other stuff that he's done. Sal had to ask Robin to get in on this. She said that what happened yesterday didn't let them truly express what they were feeling.
Sal said that they just want to sit in the back and do what they can but Artie kept going with them and Artie said something about them just being wack packers. He said that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Then he came in and went off on Artie where he knew he could hurt him. Sal was talking in circles and Artie said he was being phony and it was all bullshit. He said that Sal has said all of that stuff before he ever said that they were just wack packers.
Robin didn't understand how the guys could bash Artie the way they did after he has tried to help them out with their careers. Sal said that they get the feeling that Artie really doesn't like them. Howard said he may have to separate Sal and Richard so they don't fill each other's heads with this stuff.
Artie said that they're ruining the show now because they're forcing him to censor himself. Sal said they're not asking him to do that. Sal was also saying that he doesn't bad mouth Gary now that he's working there and he always says that Gary is a great producer. Gary broke in and said that's not true, he's called him a horrible producer a bunch of times. Sal said he just does that to get under his skin.
Richard said that they're okay with Artie saying that their bits are crap if he wants to and they'll just have to deal with it. Artie told Sal to just fuck off then if that's the way they feel. Howard said that Sal calls Gary a shitty producer and talks about Artie's father falling off a roof, but then he gets upset when Artie goofs on him.
Sal was still saying that they don't appreciate Artie taking jabs at their work, but it's probably just their paranoia and insecurity. Howard said that Sal is still goofing on Gary about his work there so he should suck it up. Sal said he just does that as a goof though. He thinks that Artie is being sincere when he says that they suck.
Richard said that they're really not back in the office stewing about this stuff. They might get mad at Artie once every two weeks or so. He told Artie not to censor himself because they can take it. Artie said that he wasn't looking for their permission to rag on them and called Richard a dope for thinking that's what he wanted.
All of the guys said that they were going to move on from today. Artie still sounded irritated and told Sal that he really hates his guts and told him he's a phony faggot and a dummy. He told the two of them to stay away from him. He said that he doesn't like either of them. Artie said he's being honest and he doesn't like either of them. He said that he's seen what they are for the serpent, pussy homos that they are and now he doesn't like them.
Sal said that he was going to go watch Beer League this weekend and give him another review. Artie said he doesn't care what he thinks of the movie. He told him that he will never work in this business after this show because he's nothingness and he sucks. He told Sal not to come to him outside because he'll drop him out there. He actually started throwing stuff at Sal after that so Robin told Sal to get out of there. Howard asked Artie what he was doing. He missed it so he asked him what was going on. He told Artie that wasn't cool to throw stuff. Artie said he didn't care and asked Howard to fire him. Howard asked him if that's really what he wants.
Artie said that he's serious and if he sees Sal outside he's really going to drop him. Howard told him he can't do that and wondered what he did that set him off. Artie said that he just can't be around him because he's a phony, so fuck it. He said if Howard wants him to leave, he'll leave. Artie said that they hired a stalker and he can't get away from him. Artie threw a CD at him and something else.
Howard said it's good that he didn't throw something that could hurt him. Artie said that he could have hit him in the eye with it. Artie said that he probably doesn't belong in the business and he never has. Artie said that he really doesn't like Sal and his phony crap and he can't be around him. Howard said he's putting an end to this and these two will get along. He said they'll get along just fine. There will be no more discussion about this. It was fun up until now. It was getting too real. He thanked Robin for making it worse.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard shouldn't be complaining about getting no attention when Artie just gave him a gift yesterday and Howard gave him 45 minutes to talk about squirrels. Howard said he can settle this in 2 seconds and asked Artie if he wants him to do it. Howard asked Artie to promise not to throw anything at him.
Sal came back in and said that he understands Artie's anger. Artie said that he doesn't and this is all about his insane phoniness. Howard said that he doesn't think that it's phoniness. He thinks that it's Sal not knowing how to speak. He said he wants to make things comfortable for these guys there. He told Sal that he can't keep going at it with Artie. He said he knows that they do like each other, at least up until a few days ago. Artie said that he's never liked Sal. He said he's always thought of him as a creep. Now he's stuck working with him.
Howard asked Artie if there's anything about Sal that he likes. Artie said that there's not one thing about him that he does like. He's got a lot of people in his life like that. Howard said he loves them all and asked Artie if he's interested in working there. Artie said he hates working even though this is the greatest job of all time. He said he doesn't like working at all, he just wants to go somewhere and be by himself. He said that it's probably his problem, and probably not even Sal's fault. He said that he's never gotten the proper counseling that he needs. He said he can't walk around in the halls of a big corporation for too long.
Howard said that feelings will change and this is like an open sore and they need to give it the weekend to cool down. He said that they won't bring this up next week, they'll pretend that none of this happened. He apologized to Sal for having something thrown at him. He said that Artie crossed the line throwing stuff at him. Sal said that he didn't get hit though so it's fine.
Howard said they'll give this a rest next week. Sal apologized for upsetting the show and Artie apologized for throwing stuff, but this isn't going to go away. Howard doesn't want anyone coming to work feeling uncomfortable. Howard took some of the blame himself for letting this go a little too far. It wasn't a put on like he thought it might be. This was something real and Artie really hates this guy Sal.
Robin took some blame for it too because she didn't know how Artie really felt. Howard said he's taking this very seriously and he sees that Artie is deeply hurt and that Sal is hurt as well. He said he shouldn't have let it go this far and Robin said she's the one who started it up again. Artie said that if he had done what he wanted to do, he'd be in handcuffs right now.
Artie said that he doesn't trust himself now because he crossed a line that he never thought he'd cross. Sal said that he didn't lunge at him and he didn't hit him so it's a pass this time. He said that Bob Levy threw a bottle of Gatorade at Ronnie one time and nothing happened. Howard said that this is some raw nerve stuff here. Artie asked if he could smoke a cigarette. Howard told him to go ahead and do that. Sal apologized and Artie apologized to him as well for throwing stuff at him. Artie said that it's not about Beer League though. Sal just doesn't get that. Howard had Sal leave before they got into it again.
Artie apologized to Howard and Howard apologized to him as well for pushing the whole situation on the air. He didn't think they were that bitter toward each other. He told Artie that if he's going to be upset, please do it on the microphone. Artie mentioned that Cara Buono, his co-star in Beer League, was out in the green room. He just remembered that. She was there to give her friend a tour of the studio.
A caller said that this was the greatest radio ever. He said he likes that someone finally told Sal the way they really feel about him. Howard said he really has to drop this now and be a responsible broadcaster. Artie said that if this show was scripted, they'd win an Emmy. Howard apologized to Artie for making him so crazy today. He told him to go out and get some pussy this weekend. Jessica Hahn was on the phone a short time later saying that she can help him out with that. She also asked Howard not to censor the show. She didn't think that Artie went too far and it's no different than pounding a fist on a wall or something.
Howard said next week they're going to move on. Jessica said it was the greatest show on earth when that happened. Artie said that he just wanted to say one thing seriously, he then threw in a plug for his Avery Fisher Hall comedy show that he's doing later this month... NYcomedyFestival.com for tickets.
Artie said that he's upset with himself. He thought that he was past doing stuff like that in his life but now he's realized that he isn't. Howard said the cigarette was killing him. Artie said it was the only thing keeping him from exploding in his head. He said he needed some kind of badness in his body. He said he's been smoking a ton lately, so much so that the fire department almost came yesterday.
Ralph called in and said that this diet is going to kill Artie. He said that it wasn't Artie's fault and he knows that he got all worked up. Ralph said that Howard should take all of the blame, not just some of it, because he pushes these guys to the edge. Howard said that they talk about everything on the show and he honestly doesn't read every situation properly. He thought that Sal and Artie were having some fun with this yesterday and he didn't know how it was going to play out.
Artie said that there's nothing different between what he did and what AJ Benza did. Howard and Gary said that he didn't connect with him though so it's not the same. Artie said that if this doesn't work out though, he's going to have to leave. He doesn't like Sal and he doesn't think he can work around him.
Sal came back into the studio but everyone got scared that he was going to say something wrong. Sal said that Artie didn't hit him. He said that he wants to make things more comfortable for him there. Artie apologized to him for throwing the stuff. Sal said that he just wants to make sure that he's comfortable there. Ralph told him that this was annoying and he should just drop it. Gary agreed and told Sal to go do his thing and forget about it. Gary asked if they should bring it up on the Wrap Up Show. Howard told him to just drop it completely. No more of this, not on the Wrap Up Show, not on Superfan Roundtable. Howard said that he doesn't even want it on the Bubba show, Scott Ferrall's show, not even on Kidd Chris' show on terrestrial radio. No more discussions about Artie and Sal. Howard said that they've pushed enough buttons and they're done with that. Artie said that people are paying $13 a month to hear that stuff though.
Gary asked Howard what he would do if Artie asked him ''It's either me or Sal'' what would he do. Howard said he can't deal with that. Artie said that he'd leave himself if it came down to that. Howard told Gary to get out of there because he was getting it going again.
Benjy had a suggestion and said that they should fine Artie or something or else he's going to end up quitting. Howard told him he's limited to 3 meals a day then. He also suggested that they have him clean up a city street or something. Artie said he can't wait to go out and say to Cara ''So, you want to see the studio now?''
Howard wrapped up and said that on Monday, no one is going to remember this. It's going to be over, that's it. He tried wrapping things up with the guys but ended up keeping the show going for a few minutes. He said that he likes an argument once in a while, as long as it doesn't go too far. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this was the greatest moment on the show. He said that this is what Jersey guys do. Violence was the right response. That made Artie laugh. The guy said that this is what they're paying 13 bucks a month for and he loves it. The guy said that Howard is the only guy who could hold this mess of a family together for so long. He said that they should put away the sharp objects and just move on.
Howard wrapped up the show and did one last live commercial after all of that. They were done around 11:40am.
Howard started off the show asking if everyone was doing okay today. He checked in with Jackie after Fred played a few of his ''Oh OH!'' audio clips. He and Fred had some fun with those clips for a little while. Howard had him saying one ''Oh'' for yes and two for no. Then he was asking him about a bunch of wacky things.
Howard said he needs a day off and he was just telling his agent that last night. He said he wants to take some days off because he's feeling sicker and sicker. His agent agreed with him but didn't do anything about it. He said he'd like to take about a month off so he can just get this movie done with. If he did that the whole radio station would fall apart.
Howard said he hates every second of every day because of this illness. He said he just wants to be laying in bed and resting. He's putting in like 17 hours a day doing this radio show and the movie at the same time. He said he thought he could do it but he was wrong. He tried doing it with the WOR TV show and pulled that off. This is just killing him though.
Howard said he knew he was in trouble when he heard the alarm go off. He wasn't looking forward to doing the live commercials this morning. He said that the owner of the station was calling him a wimp after he missed one day from the illness. Robin said that guy is running around looking for something to do, he has no idea how many hours Howard is putting in.
Howard asked the guy what he says to himself. He said he just talks out loud and says some weird stuff. He said he kind of knows what's happening but he can't control it. He was looking for some help from Richard Simmons because he's not even able to leave his apartment. He said he can't go down the stairs because he's so heavy. He asked for Richard Simmons to come out and help him.
The caller was saying that he has a neighbor who helps him get food and stuff but he abuses him so that's no good. Howard asked him what kind of food he eats. He said he likes the poo poo platters from the Chinese food restaurants. Howard said that he's not ordering steamed chicken like Robin does, he's eating the stuff that's fattening.
The caller said that his neighbor is just a filthy cab driver. Howard said that the guy is getting him food though. The caller's neighbor helps him get cleaned up sometimes too and has prostitutes clean him up once in a while. Howard told the guy to get out of there and go get some exercise. The guy said he can't do that because he's so big. Howard told him that he should just eat 3 meals a day. He suggested shredded wheat for breakfast, just a small portion. Then the guy said he doesn't have a refrigerator so he can't keep milk and stuff like that.
Howard and Robin told the guy it sounds like he just wants to have problems. He doesn't want to get help. The guy said that the guy who helps him out actually brings in a rake to clean up after him. He treats him like an animal. Howard said he's going to pass along his name to Richard Simmons just to get him off his back.
Howard said he was going to pretend to be Richard Simmons and talk to him. He went into his Richard voice and started acting like he might act. Then the guy got upset and said he didn't want to talk to Howard anymore because he was making fun of him. He hung up on Howard.
Howard said that he doesn't get why these people don't just cut down on their meals. He said that the guy sits around all day and he could just not eat if he wanted to lose the pounds. He said that everyone in this country seems to have a problem and they want other people to take care of them. He and Robin spent some time talking about that guy.
Howard said he has another guy on the phone who claims he lost his virginity to his aunt when he was 13. He had another person on the phone, Jesse, who had some sexual harassment problems at work. He got her on the line but had some problems with the quality of the phone. He asked her if she has another phone in the house so he could hear that one. She switched phones but Howard had her change back. He said it sounded like she was talking softer before.
Howard asked Jesse what she looks like. She said she's been told she looks like Sharon Stone. Howard said she is a good looking girl. He said that he just saw her in ''Casino.'' He said that movie was actually pretty good and Joe Pesci was really good in it. He talked about some of the scenes in the movie where Joe was stabbing a guy in the neck with a pen. He said he thinks that the guy isn't really even acting, it seems to real to him.
Howard asked Jesse to come down to the studio to tell him this story. She was in Florida though so that wasn't going to happen. Howard asked her how tall she is. She said she's 5'6'' tall and 130 pounds. Howard told her that's a little heavy. She said she's got a 38-C cup size and a big ass as well. Howard said he figured she did.
Jesse told her girlfriend to shut up so Howard's interest was renewed. He talked to her about her lesbian relationship. He asked her where she works and found out she's in the shipping and receiving field. Howard figured she wasn't so bright then. She said she's very intelligent.
Howard asked her what she wore to work and if she likes to dress provocatively when she's at work. She said she does like to do that. She told Howard she went to a Halloween party for work one time and got dressed up as a hooker. She said she was trying to pick up this co-worker of hers and said that she was always very open about being a lesbian. She said everyone knew and this one woman would talk to her about masturbating and things like that. Jesse said that the woman was huge, like 5'10'' tall and 300 pounds.
Jesse said she was sitting at her desk and the fat chick came in dressed as the devil and started talking to her about her fishnet panty hose were. She looked up at her and then she realized that she was at eye level with her big bush. She said it was just awful. Howard figured that she loved it. Jesse said that she was disgusted by it and felt it was sexual harassment. She ended up getting fired a few weeks later. Howard cut her off and said he thought the story was going somewhere, but it wasn't.
Howard said that he wishes that some fatso would show him her vagina. No one shows him anything. He's basically waiting to be sexually harassed. He said that the people listening to his show don't want to hear about fatsos. They want to hear about hot lesbians.
Howard said that he's been sick for a few days now and last week, when it was really bad, he had to cut some commercials. He said he was all sick and they really needed the commercials. He walked into Scott's studio and he had been smoking like 2-3 packs of cigarettes. He said he turned to Tom Chiusano and told him he's not going to cut the commercials because he can't breathe. He said that he couldn't even do it in a good room, never mind Scott's smoky studio. He said that he told Tom that they have to stop Scott from smoking in his studio or he's not cutting anymore commercials. Tom said he'd take care of it and now Scott can't smoke in there.
Robin said she was around when that went down and she heard that Tom was going to do that. Howard said he heard that Fred asked Scott how the smoking thing was doing so he figured he'd quit smoking. Then Scott said that he can't smoke in there anymore and he realized what had gone down.
Scott came in and said that his studio had become the smoking room so they all had to move to another room to do that. He said that he has to go to another room to do that. He said ''in the back'' which is a shop there at the station. He said that Richie smokes too so they all do it there.
Howard said he hasn't been back to Scott's studio since then even though he's not smoking. He said he'd walk into that studio in the past and there would be a cloud of smoke coming out. Gary came in and told Howard about some of the other guys who smoke with Scott and how they'd all gather in his room.
Howard said that Scott was saying that his union representative was coming down to talk about something else. He said that the rep came in to talk to him and had just showed up for no reason. Howard said the guy was even older than Scott and made Scott look youthful. He said that Scott was all excited about that because he finally had someone else to talk to back there. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Scott and making the ''Chhh'' sound that they think he makes. Robin said that she'll have to go back to the studio and check it out.
Howard asked Scott if he's upset with him about the whole non-smoking thing. Scott said he's really not mad, he joked that he thought Howard was a complete scumbag though. Howard asked Scott if it's tough for him to do his work when he can't smoke. Scott said it's not a problem. He claims he doesn't take that many breaks. Robin said that he has to smoke the whole cigarette at one time though so he must take a few minutes.
Jackie said that it must make you think what a ridiculous habit it is when you're just standing there smoking. Howard said they have to get a camera on him to see what it looks like when he's smoking. Robin said that way they could find out just how many cigarettes he smokes during the day. She said he may be going back there for 90 percent of his day for all they know.
Scott said that he looks at the equipment back in the shop when he's back there smoking. He does a little inventory while he's doing that. Robin said she's seen him taking his cigarette breaks and leans back in his chair and just closes his eyes.
Scott said that he and his wife don't smoke in the house, they go outside. Howard said it would be easier to quit. He said that Scott is 43 now but he doesn't think he's going to make it past 47. He said he's got cancer in his family so it makes things even worse. Scott said that the new place is going to be no smoking at all from what he heard.
Robin said that she heard Tom say that the smoke is no good for the equipment, he wasn't worried about Scott. Tom came in a short time later and said he feels like Gary, only hearing Robin's voice. Howard said that he had to put his foot down last week and he turned out to be the bad guy. Tom said that he broke the news to Scott and said that it would be for his benefit and for the company's benefit.
Gary thinks that Scott knew that the day was coming because he went down without a fight. He didn't try to keep it going at all. Howard applauded the fact that there's no smoking allowed back in there. Gary showed Howard what happens when they wipe a wall in Scott's studio. He showed him a towel that they used to wipe it down and it was filled with yellow tar. Howard said it was going to make him puke looking at that.
Howard said it's going to be funny when Scott is in a hospital dying. He said that he'll go visit and laugh at him. Robin said she won't be able to go. She said she won't want to laugh but she won't be able to help herself. She said she can imagine him laying there with a blow hole in his throat and she'll laugh at him.
Howard asked Scott if he thinks he's going to get cancer. Scott said if he keeps it up he might. He said he really doesn't think about it. He said he's going to try out the smoke free cigarettes. Howard said that he might want to take up heroin, that might be better for him.
Scott said that he's realized in the past couple of months that he's really addicted to smoking. He said he gets crazy when he can't smoke. Gary said that hypnotist Paul McKenna told him that he might be able to cure Scott's problem. Howard said they can give that a try when he comes in. Scott was up for it but said that he's tried hypnotism before. Howard figures that Scott will light up a cigarette during the hypnotism and Paul McKenna will probably end up smoking himself.
Howard said that it's great to see Scott taking all of this stuff. He just sits there and takes it. Howard said that Scott gets a really sad look on his face when they bring up cancer too. He brought it up again and had Fred doing the sad Scott face. Howard asked him if he wants them to come visit him in the hospital when he's in there with cancer. He figures that Scott will need the nurses to take good care of him so if they come to visit, they might think higher of him.
Gary said he's seen people use blow holes and it's really disgusting. Scott said that his father had to use one so he knows what it's like. Howard asked if his dad smoked through his blow hole. Scott said he didn't. Steve Grillo came in and said that his uncle is dying from cancer and they had to remove part of his lung and part of his brain. Steve said it's all from smoking. He had a tumor in the back of his brain. The guy uses one of those cancer kazoos to talk. Steve said his uncle has to be strapped into his bed every night because they don't want him leaving the hospital room and dying.
Howard said if Scott wants them to visit him in the hospital, they will do that for him. Scott said he'd appreciate that. He's not going to quit smoking even after all of this stuff was brought up. That led to Howard playing the song ''Brown Fingers'' that they had Scott sing. Fred and Howard were also in the song doing their Scott impressions. They went to break right after that.
Stacy said that she's a fan of the show and she'd do Howard if he were single. Howard said he wouldn't stop her from seeing other girls either. He asked her to go to Scores sometime and dance around with the other girls. Howard said that she's a real model and she can't even have her face on TV or anything. Howard asked her if she'd be in his movie. She said she would but Howard figured that she had never acted before.
Howard noticed that she was probably high and he was right. He said that she's the perfect girl for him. She said that she was out all night too. Howard asked her about living out on the farm and then coming to New York. Howard told her she's going to be burned out by the time she's 28 years old if she keeps that up. She doesn't think that will be the case though.
Howard asked the lesbian chick if she had been with anyone famous. She said that she has been with some kind of famous guys but not famous enough for Howard to know who he was. Howard had her stand up and show off her body. She was 5'10'' tall and he said they'd make a perfect couple. He said that she could be his Sun Yee.
Howard told Gary to give her name to Gambling Dan so he could give it to the people at the movie. He said they might have a part for her but he didn't want to say what it was. Howard heard that she was living with a guy so he asked her if she lets him get in on the lesbian fun. She said she might consider letting him watch, but that's it. Howard said he'd be real sensitive to her if he was with her. He said that he'd touch her real softly and he's got nice hands because he's never done a hard day's work in his life. He touched her arm to show her how he'd be.
Howard said that this girl must be in love with him because he's like a sophisticated New Yorker to her. She said that she is in love with him and she wants him to go out with her. Howard checked out her waist again and let out a bunch of ''ugh'' sounds as he was thinking about her.
Howard asked Stacy about her first lesbian experience and how that all happened. She said that she had a boyfriend at the time. The town was really small, only 1200 people. Howard figured that she must have had a lot of guys checking her out in that small town. She said she was a bit of a Tom-boy but then said that she was a cheerleader. She said that the other girl was on the team with her. She said that they used to see each other in the locker room and she found herself attracted to the other girl. She'd see her in her panties and bra and looked good that way.
Howard asked her how the lesbian thing happened. She said that she didn't do anything with her, she did it with that other girl's friend. She said she talked about doing stuff with her but then she ended up going with two of her friends. Howard said that no judge would tell him he was wrong for having an affair with this girl. He said he could get out of trouble with a simple explanation.
Gary came in and said that Howard should check out the boyfriend because he's just a normal guy. Howard had him bring the guy in so he could see him. Howard couldn't believe that this guy was getting her when he saw what he looked like. Jackie said something about him looking like a pizza delivery guy. Howard asked her what she saw in him. He figured that she was just rebelling against her parents. Howard asked him how he got her. He said it was through a friend that he was up there with. Howard told him he's having a better life than he's having. The guy had a nose ring so Robin told him to get rid of it because it looked like he had something growing out of there.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks this guy is good looking. Robin said ''Oh god, no!'' when she had him take his hat off. Howard kicked him out a short time elater and said that some guys have all the luck.
Howard said he had to get moving because he had some other stuff to get to. He said that this girl is using the name Stacy today. Earlier he said that she was changing her name for the air though. He asked Stacy more about the lesbian stuff and how that all went down. She said that they had kissed before they went out this one night. She said that they were just doing some friendly kisses and it turned into more. She said they went home and started kissing in the cab. Then they took a shower together. Howard said he had to have her after hearing that. He said that he wanted to take her home and bang her. He said he's a man and he has to do it.
Howard asked Stacy about having her first lesbian experience. She said that they had actually planned that night. She said that they were always kind of flirty with each other and one of the girls started talking about it at school.
Stacy also said that her mother knows that she's a lesbian because she and her friend had sex at her mom's house and she overheard them doing it. She said that her mom told her that she'd heard things that night and started crying when she brought it up. She said that she told her dad too so he wasn't too thrilled about that. Howard figured that they must have freaked out about that. She said that they did kind of get upset. She said she lied and told them that it was just a one time thing.
Howard said that Stacy is out of control. He said that she must have been making a lot of noise for her parents to have heard that going on. Howard wanted to know about the two girls she had in high school but said she's got too many good stories. He wanted to go back to her apartment with her today as long as she hasn't going to tell on him. She promised.
Howard asked about the two girls that she'd had sex with in high school. She said that they went back to the one girl's house after high school graduation and then one of them had some liquor so they got drunk. They all got naked and did each other. She said that the lights were off and no one knew who was who so it was very cool. Howard told her she has to get out of there, he can't take it anymore.
Howard said he thinks that he might like this girl more than any other girl he's ever met. He asked for a hug before she left. He said he really would date her in a minute if he could. He said her body is amazing and she said that she doesn't even work out. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Stephen if he was naked right then and told him he was so hot when he heard he was in his underwear. He asked him to strip down for him so Stephen pretended to do that. Howard then went on to talk about all of the Baldwin brothers. Stephen said he just golfed with a few of his brothers the other day. Howard talked about what some of the other brothers are up to with women and stuff like that. Howard said that if he was at a family reunion, he'd have to take a masturbation break with all of the hot chicks around.
Howard asked Stephen about working with William Shatner years ago. Stephen said that Shatner was a real prick. He said he went to do a press thing and Shatner was doing his Rescue 911 thing at the time. He said he went up to him and said he didn't want to bother him but wanted to let him know that he was a big influence on his career. He said Shatner looked at him like he was a valet and rolled his eyes and let out a ''pssh.'' He said he just kept his hands in his pockets and barely recognized he was there.
Stephen said that he's had other run-ins with people like that but this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. He said that he's only William Shatner and even Kevin Pollock does a better Shatner than even Shatner does. Howard said that Shatner has been on the show a bunch of times and he's always been a good guy. Then George Takei will come on and say that he was a real prick to everyone on the set of Star Trek though.
Howard said that Stephen does this pool tournament thing every year to raise money for charity. Stephen wanted to plug it but he'd thrown out his notes and had to dig them out of the garbage. He thought he was going to remember what he wanted to talk about. He said that they have Tupac Shakur, Christina Applegate and others coming to play. He rattled off a bunch of other names of the celebrities they had coming to play. Gary then came in and said that he hated to be rude but they had to clear the line for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard said that they should definitely clear the line for that. Stephen said he'd clear the line for that himself.
Stephen told Howard a story about Arnold. He said that every time he sees the guy he thinks about how he's seen him since he was a little kid. Howard tried to rush him through the story so he could clear the line. Stephen said he went up to Arnold and Arnold told him that he liked his movie ''The Unusual Suspects.'' He was close, it was ''The Usual Suspects.'' Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said the one thing he doesn't like about rap guys is when they put their own names into the song. He said it's like a pompous thing to do. He goofed on Wyclef about that a little bit. He said he wouldn't even be listening to the band if that chick wasn't in it. He thinks that she has a great voice. Robin agreed. Howard said that when he hears her voice his hand goes to his lap. When he hears the guy's voice, his hand goes to his wallet.
Howard said he kept repeating that song for like an hour and a half when he was in his dressing room at the movie. He was having make-up put on and couldn't repeat it himself. He told his assistant Jodie to just keep hitting the repeat button.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the song was from the Stephen King movie ''Sleepwalkers'' and the music was originally from Enya. He told Howard it was track 12 on her album. They tried to find the album and ended up talking about the Enya thing a little bit.
Howard played the song a little more and talked about what he'd like to do to that chick in bed. Fred said that he'd probably like to have her waiting for him in bed like a baby bird with it's mouth open. Howard said he liked that analogy.
Howard said that he's such a nut when it comes to that kind of stuff. He said he's all sweaty and clammy talking about the chick thing.
Howard asked Wood Yi to come back in with another weather update. Wood Yi did his moist and wet thing again. It was the same clip from earlier in the morning. He wondered what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, it seems that he's blown them off. Howard said he was just going to have Robin get into her news if that's the case. He said he had a lot of stuff to talk to Arnold about. He went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Arnold if he can bring up the Penthouse pictures with Vanessa when he's working with her. Arnold said that when they're on the set they're rehearsing their lines, that's it. Arnold said he did see those pictures when they were in the magazine though. Howard said that he met her one time and even he was afraid to bring it up. Arnold said that those pictures are from the past so he didn't bother her about it.
Arnold said that Vanessa is really good in this new movie, ''Eraser,'' and he thinks that she's going to have a great career in film. Howard talked to Arnold about working with Ivan Reitman since Ivan is working with Howard on ''Private Parts.'' Howard told him that Ivan was impressed with the space they built him to live in at the set and told him that even Arnold doesn't get that kind of treatment.
Howard said he read that in German the name ''Schwarzenegger'' means black penis. Arnold said that's not quite right and it would be something else. Arnold went on to say that he's going to be in New York next week and they're going to have a premiere for the movie. He said they're going to have a great time and he hopes that Howard can make it.
Howard wished Arnold luck playing Mr. Freeze in the next Batman movie. He said that he's sorry that Arnold has to work with George Clooney on that one though. He said that George makes for a bit of an effeminate looking Batman.
Howard said he heard that when you wrap a movie you have to buy the whole staff a gift. Arnold said that he's done stuff like that and once ordered 250 watches for the whole staff of a movie. Howard wrapped up with Arnold and gave him a plug for this new ''Eraser'' movie. They talked about some of the people who are in the movie and let him go a short time later.
Gary said that Arnold has a cool move he does where he won't answer a question if he doesn't want to, he'll just bring up something else about the movie. Howard said that he was answering some of the questions though.
One guy wrote in about the lesbian chick interview and was turned off when he heard Fred's wife come up. That led to Howard asking Fred what's going on with his wife. Fred said that right now they're ''just trying to co-exist'' with each other. He's not sure if they'll be getting a divorce but things aren't going that well. When Fred goes home he says Allison isn't there. She's out ''stripping for people'' while doing her acting thing. Howard said that maybe this will help them out eventually. Fred said that they have a lot of problems they have to work on. He said he's not crazy about her doing that acting job where she's almost stripping for people.
Fred said that when he married that woman, she was not stripping. He said he didn't know that she was capable of doing that either. He doesn't like that she's not home when he gets home either. Gary said that he was talking to Tom about Fred's marriage and how he's hoping that he can live on half his income if he loses that to his wife. Fred said that the good thing is that they don't have kids.
The guys talked about what might happen if Fred did get divorced. Howard said it would be funny if he was one of those guys who got married like 8 times. Fred said that he'd be the Larry King of the Stern Show if that happened.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She went through a bunch of stories before wrapping up. Howard was going to end the show but Robin added one last thing about the Chicago Bulls which got Howard and the guys talking for a few more minutes. They ended the show around 9:35am (Master Tape Theatre time).