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Howard started off the show complaining about having gas this morning and then blew his first official wind into the microphone. He said he loves the smell. Artie moved his food away from him as soon as he could. Howard wondered if that was his vending machine food. Artie said it was actually one of his mother's sandwiches that he talked about on Friday. Howard said it wasn't as big as he thought it would be. It looked delicious to Howard. It had Zucchini, fried chicken and vinegar and oil on it.
Fred played a new song parody about Artie loving the food in the vending machine. Howard also talked about how great it was when they put up the picture of Artie coming back from the vending machine up on HowardStern.com He said that the news team did a report about Artie using the vending machine so much that the guy who fills the machine has to come back even more often now. They interviewed a couple of guys from the company and they're thrilled about Artie's addiction.
Howard said that Walt Sabo told him that they should be asking the company why they don't start a second or third row of what Artie likes because they run out of the stuff he eats. Artie agreed and would love if they did that. Howard said they could get rid of the Life Savers and things like that to make room for what Artie likes. Artie said that he has the same tastes that a lot of other people like and that's why it runs out so quick.
Robin said there's some kind of cookie in the machine that has half the calories of regular cookies. Artie said he hasn't even seen that. When he does see something like that, he doesn't even try it. He said it's like getting half a blow job.
Artie said that he didn't want to be phony with the Better Half show so he had to tell everyone. Artie said that he and Dana talked about that and he agreed to go to a therapist. He said that she never called him back after he talked to her about doing that.
Artie said that he got depressed about Dana not calling him back and slept almost the whole weekend. He said he got up at 2 in the afternoon yesterday and read the paper. He never called Dana back and she never called him. He said it may not have been the best move on his part. Artie said he told Dana that he would go to therapy so that's what he's going to do. Dana also agreed to do the Better Half show because they never officially broke up... even though they haven't been speaking for weeks.
Artie said that Dana may have moved on already but he won't know until tomorrow night. He said he's going to see a therapist either way though. Robin said it was fascinating to hear Artie on the Wrap Up Show last Friday. Fred was also on the show and had a few words for them.
Howard said that he has moved on but Infinity Broadcasting hasn't. He said that they're giving him a hard time but he can't talk about that right now. He said he will talk about it in the future though. Howard went on to talk about how his show helped make Viacom / Infinity Broadcasting what they became. He said he wants them to leave him the F alone but they're still doing stuff to him that seems pretty personal to him. He said that all hell is breaking loose over at the company from what his guys hear. He said that David Lee Roth and Mark Chernoff were screaming at each other chest to chest from what he heard. Mark is a little guy from what Howard said. The whole new format of the old station, FreeFM, is like Howard Stern knock-offs and he feels he gave them enough in return over the years.
Howard said that David Lee Roth was upset that they're putting someone else on in place of him while he's on vacation. Howard said that the guy has only been there about a month and he's already taking a weeks vacation. Howard said he's so into this new job of his that he's not taking a week long vacation this month like he could have.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Artie about Dana but he ended up talking about how great the new show is now that he's on satellite. Howard said that he really was down while he was at K-Rock and now he's free. He talked about how horrible it was having 22 minutes of commercials when he was on K-Rock. The breaks were so long that they were the length of a sitcom. People could watch an episode of Friends in the time it took them to run commercials. The caller said that the new show really is great. Howard said he can't stand to take breaks anymore and he can go for a really long time without taking those few minutes of commercials that he does have now.
Howard said that he has only 2 breaks an hour now and it's great. The caller said that Howard can now give us an extra hour of show each day without those 22 minutes of commercials per hour. The caller was telling Howard how great SIRIUS is and his friend started yelling in the background. That led to the guys talking about how strange that sounded. It was one dude in the background so Howard wondered what kind of partying was going on there. The guy said that his girlfriend and his female roommate were both sleeping so there wasn't anything weird going on.
Howard wanted the guy to go have sex with his girlfriend so the guy went in his room and woke her up. She sounded upset that he was waking her up though. Howard told her to kiss her ''down south'' but she kicked him as he went down there. Then his friends came in the room and yelled out that they were all going to bone her. She kicked them out and slammed the door on him. The caller asked Artie if he's bummed about the Dana thing. Artie said that he is bummed even though they're not officially broken up yet. He said it seems like it's very near.
The woman on the phone said that her husband eventually started going to an exclusive men's golf course. Artie said that he and Dana have had a lot of great times over the past four years. He knows that he needs to go to therapy to help him out. The woman kept interrupting him so Artie yelled out ''Let me finish cunt!'' He said he was just joking around but it sounded like he was serious. He then went on to say that he never hit Dana or did anything like that to her. He said he thinks they can work things out but Howard told him that Artie sees things differently than Dana does. He said that he wants Dana to move in with him but he doesn't want her dog living in the house. He wants to throw money at the situation and that's not what Dana wants.
Artie said that he wants to see the next guy that Dana goes with to see what kind of dream boat she's looking for. He said that he sees these friends of his who have lives with kids and families and that's what he's looking for but he can't quite get there. Howard said that he just can't open up and have that life because he's afraid of the hard times. He said that Artie has to commit and make that stuff the most important stuff in his life.
Robin said that happened to Gary one day and that's why he got married and had kids. Artie said that in the next week or so he knows that he may be broken up with Dana and he wants to take notes from the person she hooks up with next. Howard asked Artie if he would give up alcohol for Dana. He said he would so Howard said that Dana should grab him now if that's the case. Artie said he would try to give up drinking completely if he had to choose between the two.
Howard said that if Dana and Artie's mother got into an argument and Dana told Artie that he had to choose between them, who would he choose. Artie said that he would stick with Dana and he learned that from his mother. He said that he would stick up for his wife in a situation like that. Howard then asked Artie what he would do if Dana's dog was drowning and he had to give it mouth to mouth. Artie said he'd probably say that he had a bad knee.
Gary came in and said that he is no where near Artie's league but when Artie's wife comes to him and tells him to do something while he's watching a game, he's going to be very resentful. Howard said that he was that kind of guy who wouldn't move when asked to do something and look where he ended up. Gary told Artie to think about what would happen if Dana asked him to go somewhere while he's trying to watch the NCAA finals. Artie said he's been in that kind of situation with his family and he deals with it.
Howard had an audio clip of Artie's mother talking to Howard 100 News about the situation. Penny Crone did the interview and asked Artie's mother about what she thinks of the counseling thing. His mother thought that Artie going to therapy is a pretty big priority for him. Artie said he's going to call a guy and make things happen. Howard said it would have been funny if Artie picked up the phone and did his impression of a woman like Ronnie did to Penny last week.
Artie said that he got a call from Joey Boots last night and talked to him a little bit. That led to Howard asking if Cabbie calls him because he gets calls from him and he's never around when he calls. Artie said he hasn't heard from him but he may have gotten a message once. Gary came in and said that Cabbie used to call him in the mornings but they haven't heard from him since they got there. He's going to send him a letter to let him know what's going on there. Cabbie is going to be in jail until July of this year. He was given a full year sentence and doesn't have the ability to get any time off.
Artie said he's really gotten into Bubba's show because it's really good. Howard talked about how they showed some of Bubba's work out equipment on the Tucker Carlson show last week. Howard said that Bubba should be really chiseled if he's actually using all of that stuff. Robin said that Bubba also has friends who he owns stuff with.
Artie got in some plugs for some shows that he's doing this week on SIRIUS. He said that he'll be on Jim Breuer's show on Friday and on Raw Dog Comedy today at Noon. Gary said that he'll also be making a couple of appearances on The Wrap Up Show this week. Howard told him that he should be having Fred on that show as well.
Artie told the guys about a joke that he had to take out of his DVD because Dana didn't like it. It was something about how he didn't want her dog coming over to his place because he's even grossed out when she shits at his apartment. He said that joke will be right back in the act if they break up. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Artie had just gone to see Billy a week and a half ago so he and Howard spent a couple of minutes going over the set lists that the did. Howard's concert sounded different than the one Artie went to see. Howard gave the list of great songs that Joel performed and talked about how great the guy was. Howard said there were even some songs that he wasn't a big fan of and he even liked those. Howard played some ''Goodnight Saigon'' and talked about how great that performance was.
Howard said that ''Pressure'' was never one of those songs that he liked but after the concert he walked out singing it to himself. Some of the other songs he mentioned being played were...
Howard said that the guy claims that they're letting anyone in but they are trying to back up these Catholic values. Artie said he'd be worried about letting someone do something like that where they target a certain religion on a 5000 acre spot. Robin said that Religion and race are different things and Howard had asked about this thing as if it were a race thing at the start.
Lisa said that they have a major update on Cabbie who has been moved to a mental facility up in Massachusetts. Howard said that must be why he's getting the phone calls. Artie said that Cabbie must have lost in the middle of his run and that sucks. Howard said he feels so bad for Cabbie. He knew that something was up when he started getting some crazy writings from him. He said he could tell the guy was going a little nuts when he'd get the writings up and down the sides of the paper and things like that.
Howard told Gary about the Howard 100 News update and he wasn't aware of that either. Robin said that maybe they can visit Cabbie if he's no longer in prison. Gary interrupted and said that the guy who fills the vending machine speaks no English so they'll have an interpreter help out with the conversation. The guy was putting away his food so it doesn't get stolen.
Lisa told Howard that they have another report about sex addiction that they'll be doing a follow up on. Howard said that doesn't relate to him so he's not interested in that. She also said that they have an interview with Bobby Slayton
Jose knew that Artie was the guy eating most of the food and he does have to come back in 3 times a week now because of the amount of food that Artie eats. He said he used to come 2 times a week. He even said that it's the Pop Tarts and Famous Amos cookies that Artie eats. He asked to see Artie's stomach to see where all of the food was. Artie threw the guy a $20 and told him to come back 4 times a week. He also asked him to add a Jack Daniels row in there.
Howard said that it's all because of Artie that they have to come back 3 times a week. Artie said that there are other people who eat out of that machine. Jose mentioned a few of the other things in the machine that Artie eats but Artie denied eating Doritos. He said he's only had them about twice. Robin said that she saw someone buying the Popcorn the other day and if they take that away for Artie's junk, they're going to upset someone else.
Jose was saying that he doesn't know how much money the machine takes in, he just gives it to his boss. He said that the machine is always full when he gets there every other day during the week. Howard said that Artie made the vending machine a profitable business.
Artie said that they can get rid of the Life Savers but Jose said that people do buy them. Jose said that everything sells in that machine. Artie said that they could also get rid of the regular M&Ms and replace them with peanut M&Ms. He would also like to have them add Devil Dogs instead of pretzels. He told Jose that he'd have to put up a cot there if they put them in there. Jose wasn't familiar with them so the guys tried to describe them to him.
Howard thanked Jose for coming in and Robin apologized for working him so hard since Artie started. Jose told the interpreter that he was very nervous meeting Howard. Howard tried to speak to him in his own language but that didn't work out very well. Jose said that he has seen Howard's TV show so he does know of him. Howard thanked him again and let Jose go. The interpreter is Gino the Latino from channels 90 and 92 there at SIRIUS. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard and the guys talked about the Dancing with the Stars show and how lame the finale was. Howard said that Jerry Rice was kept in way too long in that show. He said that Stacy Keibler had 15 years of dance experience and the whole show was ridiculous because she was basically a pro. He said he was laughing his ass off when she got kicked off the show. He said he was trying to figure out why he wasn't attracted to her. He said that there was just something that turned him off to her.
Howard said that Beth was out in Pittsburgh yesterday so he and his dog were just sitting around doing nothing. He said that he figured he'd jerk off and when Lisa Rinna came walking out on that show, he got really turned on. He doesn't know if it's because she's been calling in or what. He said he was on the phone with Ralph last night when she was on and they both thought she looked great. Ralph was on the phone this morning too so he and Howard talked about that for a short time.
Howard said that he was going to rub one out to Lisa but figured he'd wait until after the show before doing it. Ralph was saying that Stacy Keibler looks kind of like a praying mantis. Howard said that's what he said last night and he thought that was pretty funny.
Howard said there was something else going on with that show. He said that Drew Lachey's wife was pregnant and she was kind of chubby looking on the show. He said she looks kind of strange and he gets the feeling that once the baby is born, he's going to leave her for his dance partner. Howard said the partner isn't all that pretty but she does have a great body.
Howard said that Drew has to be having feelings for that chick. If he was dancing with her, he knows he'd be having feelings for her. Howard wondered why it is that everyone hates George Hamilton so much. Ralph said he doesn't hate him. Howard said the guy just seems like a scumbag to him for some reason. Robin said that he just got into show business because he was a good looking guy, he can't act. Howard also talked about Master P and wondered if he's a little slow or something. Robin said she wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. He also said that Gisele Fernandez looks like a dirty girl who could F you like no one else.
Gary came in and said that he had some stuff about Master P who represented Ricky Williams and screwed up his football deal. Howard knew about that whole thing and wondered how this guy makes his money. Gary said the guy is like a mini-P. Diddy because he has all kinds of side businesses.
The guys spent some time talking about some of the other contestants on that show and how they basically ruined the show with the 2 hour finale. Ralph said he watched the whole show but fast forwarded through most of it.
Howard got back to his ''whackin' it'' story. He said he just started doing himself and thought about a couple of chicks that he has banged in the past. He said that he was thinking about one chick in the beginning but switched over to another chick near the end.
Ralph said that it was great when Stacy Keibler got kicked off the show and started crying. Howard wondered if she's really a wrestler. Ralph was also saying that Jerry Rice was saying that winning the show was just as important as winning the Super Bowl. Howard said it sounds like that guy has completely lost it.
Howard talked about American Idol a little bit and mentioned one guy on there who has way too many teeth. Robin said that he should definitely go see the dentist before the season is over. Artie wondered how they can watch that show at all because he really doesn't get how anyone can sit and watch that crap. He didn't even realize that Howard had changed the subject to American Idol. He thought they were still talking about the dance show.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's perfect for Artie. She's a blind chick who brought her father in last June for a contest. No one remembered what she looked like. Gary said that there was one hot chick back then but he doesn't remember this chick. Howard had to hang up on her so he could move on to Donald Trump. He got a hold of a picture of that chick and said she was okay but didn't think Artie would want to date her. He had to take a break before bringing in Trump.
Robin brought up the fight that Trump had with Martha Stewart last week and wondered if he did that to get some publicity for his show. He said he would never do anything like that, he had to defend himself against the things Martha was saying about him. He said that his show was the number one show on TV and she was claiming that she was going to fire him from the show when her show started. He said that wasn't going to happen.
Howard said that Martha was saying that Mark Burnett came to her and said that the plan was to fire Donald from the show. Howard said that he's not sure Martha was really criticizing Donald. Trump said that you just don't fire someone when their show is number one in the ratings.
Howard brought up this tape where Jack Black criticized him on some other show. Jack came on the show after Howard had gone off on him for a month about it and it turns out the tape wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it was. Maybe that's the way things will be with Donald and Martha. Donald goes on the defense when his name is brought up and he may have overreacted to what Martha said.
Trump said that he did that with AJ Benza when he called the show and went off on him about stealing his girlfriend. It was one of the most entertaining arguments Howard ever heard. Now he can't play the tape since Infinity won't allow it.
Donald told Howard that he and Martha really were friends before all of this went down. He said he really didn't have anything to do with the deal she had to do her own show. Howard thinks that maybe he'll get over the whole thing eventually but Trump said that he'll get over it when Howard gets over all of his little arguments. Howard said that it's tough for him to forgive anyone but he does it once in a while. Trump said that he rarely gets over stuff like that.
Trump's son Don said that he rarely forgives anyone for anything they say. Don also said that his father treats them the same way he would treat other people so they have to watch what they say. Howard said it must be hard to be Trump's kids. Ivanca said that her father just tells them how he feels about anything they ask him about. Howard asked them if they went up to their father and said ''f-you'' would he be able to forgive them and hug them. Ivanca said she would never say anything like that to him and there are better ways to approach him.
Trump said that he would cut them right out of his will if they did something like that. Trump was smiling when he said that but the kids said he was serious. Howard asked if the kids know what kind of money they're going to get. Trump said that the kids have never brought it up to him because it's probably not a pleasant discussion to have about him dying.
Howard asked if the kids are upset that Donald has a new baby coming along. Trump said that Don and Ivanca and soon Eric will all be working for him and he will be doing stuff for them so they probably won't lose out to the younger kid. Howard asked if it was true that the kids were calling the new baby ''parasite'' as he had heard. Ivanca said that wasn't true. Don joked that their offices must be bugged but he was just joking around.
Howard spoke to Ivanca and Don and found out that they got over 1500 scores on their SAT tests. Donald said that he produces very smart children. He said that his 12 year old daughter Tiffany is also doing very well in school. Howard asked the kids to answer a math question since they scored near 800 on their math SATs. No one came up with the correct answer but they were under a bit of pressure.
Robin said that Martha Stewart was saying that she took great offense to Donald's attacks on her daughter. Trump said that the two of them were fighting over the same man from what he heard. He said that Martha actually stole the guy away from her daughter but that was just a rumor. He said he wishes Martha luck with her career. He said that her show just didn't have what it took to make it.
Howard said that he read some good reviews about Trump's new show and they've apparently rejuvenated it with the new cast. Howard got back to Ivanca and said that she's very beautiful and talked to her for a minute. Then Artie let it be known that he's almost single. He said that would be Trump's worst nightmare for him to date Ivanca. Trump said that would be a ''terrible, terrible thing'' if Artie dated her. He said he could honestly think of worse people who could date her though. Howard asked him if she married Artie, would his daughter be allowed at Maralago down in Florida. Trump said she wouldn't even be his daughter anymore.
Ivanca said that there are some drawbacks to being Donald Trump's daughter and relationships are one of the toughest things. Robin wondered if Donald is going to introduce his daughter to her future mate like he did with his son. Ivanca said that she's concentrating on work right now and she's not looking for a relationship at this time. She did talk about a guy she dated for a while and said that she's still friends with him. She said she dated the guy for 3 years.
Howard asked the kids what they're up to these days. They said that they're working with their father's company developing many properties around the world. Howard asked Ivanca if she's still friendly with her mother. She said she is so Howard asked them who she would save if she had to save either her mother or father if they were in a sinking boat. Ivanca said she would probably drown herself so she wouldn't have to make that decision. She didn't want to give an answer because it was so tough.
Gary came in and told Howard that they only had one more minute left with them. They had to get running over to FOX news. Howard asked Ivanca if she had anything on her horizon as far as dating. She said that right now she's just having some fun and hanging out with her friends. Donald thinks that she should get married by the time she's 28 or 30. He said that if she doesn't meet the right guy then she shouldn't worry about getting married.
Howard wrapped up with everyone and gave Donald a plug for his new travel web site GoTrump.com where you can book hotels and flights. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Ivanca is quite a package. She's like 5'10'' tall and beautiful. He and Artie talked about the time that Artie repeated some of his jokes that he did at Trump's roast. Trump turned on Artie that day and now he hates him.
Joan came in a short time later and told Howard about that guy she was talking to on that show and how the guy had been divorced 3 times. Howard told her that she did a great job defending herself there. He said that you really do have to wail on someone like that. Joan said that the show was about a woman who photograph's plants.
Howard talked to Joan about Donald Trump's daughter Ivanca and how gorgeous she was. Joan said that a friend of hers did an interview with her and said she was also very nice.
Joan was wearing an outfit that was green so Howard asked her about that. She told him that she actually got it for free. She had a fur around her neck so he asked her if that was real. She joked that she's a vegan and then said that she believes in wearing anything that covers up her body. Howard asked her if she ever gets people asking her why she wears real furs. She said that happens to her all the time. Howard said that maybe people are jealous that the fur has a better life than they do.
Howard asked Joan if she was impressed with the new face transplant procedure they did over in England. Joan said she's thrilled and would love to have Angelina Jolie's lips put on her face. Howard said that Joan was let go by E! so he wondered if there's anyone out there who will pay for the E! channel if the FCC breaks up the cable companies channel line ups. Joan said that E! was very good to her... not money wise, but they were good to her. She said she actually has to watch what she says because she never knows where she's going to end up. Joan said she's still working for the TV Guide channel doing the red carpet shows. She said she wanted to do her own interview show over there but they didn't want to let her do that.
Howard asked Joan about Star Jones taking over for her and asked if she's seen that mess. Joan said she never wanted to watch the show after she took over. Joan said that there are some people out there who won't even talk to her now that she's not on E!. She said that Ryan Seacrest is one guy who won't talk to her. Annette Benning and Diane Keaton won't talk to her either. She said that there are some people who know that it's a joke and have fun talking to her about their clothes.
Howard said that Joan is looking really good these days. She said she hasn't had any work done in the past 5 years or so but it is about time to have some more done. Howard asked Joan if they've spoken since Johnny passed away. She went on to say a few things about Johnny holding a grudge against her for 17 years. She said that was crazy. Howard said that he would never ban anyone from making a living no matter how much they bad mouthed him. He doesn't get where Johnny was coming from with that.
Howard asked Joan about what Ben Stein did to her. He apparently made up some stuff about her and wrote an article about her. Joan sued him and won but she got a tiny retraction. She said that she got really mad because it hurt her daughter when she read that her mother had been laughing at her late husband's funeral. She said when they hit her kids, she gets pissed.
Joan has dated gay men in her life and has had sex with them. Howard asked her about that and found out that she was engaged to a guy who was gay. She said that she wouldn't do that now though. She said that she does go on Match.com
and tries to get dates but that hasn't worked out very well for her. She said she has to lie about her age and that doesn't help. She said that she's so old that her vagina is on the floor. She said it looks like Willie Nelson or a toothless old man smiling at you. She didn't want to talk about her shaving down there when Howard started asking her about that.
Howard gave Joan a plug for her upcoming red carpet coverage of the Oscars this coming weekend. Howard said he would like to sit and watch that but he has a hard time finding the TV Guide Channel. Joan told Howard that her daughter Melissa has her own show over at the TV Guide Channel now. She mentioned something about her daughter dating a rock star but she couldn't tell Howard who it was. She said that he would have to get her on the show to talk about it herself. She also said that she dated a top skate boarder for a little while as well.
Joan said that Oprah Winfrey is another one who doesn't keep in touch with her and she was the first one to put Oprah on TV. She said that she doesn't think she hates her but she also doesn't invite her to any of her parties or anything.
Howard gave Joan a few more plugs for her stuff and then said that he got a hold of a picture of Melissa with this rock star guy. He got the picture off of WireImage.com. Joan begged him not to mention who it was so Howard kept his mouth shut. He Pent a few more minutes talking to her and then wrapped up and went to break.
Jon Hein was in to give an update on what The Wrap Up Show had coming up. They're going to be talking about what goes on out in the halls when Donald Trump shows up for an interview. Gary and Jon said that Donald was kind of upset that the cameras were bothering him. Gary said that Trump asked him to keep the cameras away from him because they were annoying him. Jon said that they'll also be talking about Donald's kids. They'll be talking about Joan Rivers as well.
Sal the Stockbroker will be on the Wrap Up Show to talk about how Joan owes him some money for some jokes he wrote for her one time. She never paid him for the jokes even after she bought 6 of them at $15 each. Howard wondered why he didn't come in and talk about this on the air. Sal said he didn't want to disrupt the show. He may have made the right decision because he wasn't sure if Joan actually ever used those jokes in her act.
Jon mentioned that they'll be talking about Cabbie a little bit and about Artie and Dana's relationship. Jon said that Dana is still scheduled to appear on The Better Half which airs tomorrow night at 7pm. Howard said that Beth is actually flying in from Pittsburgh tomorrow to do that show. Howard told Jon to make sure that Mr. X doesn't try to tell jokes when he's asked about stuff like how he and Robin met. He always wants to be a comedian on the show and they don't need that on the Better Half show.
Howard brought up how some news reporters are finally picking up on the fact that Oprah Winfrey is getting away with saying some stuff on her show that he could never get away with. She can say at the beginning of her show that it's a serious discussion and she gets away with it. Howard played a clip of John Gibson talking to Dr. Laura Berman about what Oprah said on her show and how Howard Stern could never get away with that. Dr. Berman said that it's all about the context that the stuff is discussed in. Howard said that in other words, it's okay for women to talk about it with other women but when men talk about it, there's something wrong with it. Like when they joke about it it's less legitimate. Howard gave a thumbs up to John Gibson over at FOX for pointing out the ridiculousness of that woman's argument.
Howard said he heard that Jeff Conaway returned to Celebrity Fit Club but he didn't know about that so he didn't watch. He did have some audio from the show though. In the clip Conaway was crying when he entered the room. He said he was a little emotional but he would get past that. He then explained how his lord, savior and creator put him through a test by taking a bunch of stuff away from him. He said he was failing the test... Then he found Jesus.
He also went on to talk about how he didn't do any drugs on that day and how the Benedryl he took could have caused his drowsiness. One of the guys on the show said that he was questioning the slurred speech and other things that Jeff was doing that day.
Howard said that he read that Johnny Rotten wrote a letter to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame after hearing that the Sex Pistols were going to be inducted. He said that the Hall of Fame is a piss hole and he and his band mates would never show up to be inducted. Howard said the guy couldn't just accept it and get over the fact that the band is popular.
Gary came in and told Howard a story about Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols went with him to Scores one night. When they were in there Jones asked Gary if it was okay for him to take his cock out. Gary told him that might be a bad idea. Howard told him he should have just told him to go for it so Lonnie could have had him arrested.
Howard played the audio from Oprah's show where she was talking about sex addiction and different penises scaring her. She said some stuff about men ejaculating in a woman's face and things like that. He said that he saw that the Drudge Report picked up on that crap too so he's happy to see that.
Howard, who was changing subjects every few seconds, said that he loves to see ''Crocodile Dundee 2'' when it's on TV. Gary said the first one was great but not number 2. Howard mentioned one of the scenes that he liked in the movie and recited some of the lines he liked and said he really loves the movie.
Howard went on to play the call where he did his ''ex-spear-a-mint.'' In the call Sal was using a modulator voice so his voice was really deep. He was throwing around the N-word with the guy and trying to convince him that he was a black guy he knew. The guy knew that he was a ''cracker'' and that he had looked through the white pages to find his number. Howard thought Sal sounded like a black guy in the beginning and he's surprised that he didn't fool the guy.
Sal was saying that he went through an X-Ray class and found out that you have to turn up the voltage on the machine when x-raying black people because their skulls are thicker. Artie asked him if he learned that from his father at the pizzeria or in school. Sal swears he learned that in class. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
DePace came in and tried to explain himself and said that the music does have a different meaning to him when a performer is gay. That also led to Scott talking about how he got upset when he learned that his local bank said they were going to put in a bilingual ATM. He said that he thinks that people should learn the language because his grandparents were forced to learn it when they moved to this country. Howard said that it doesn't inconvenience him in any way so why would he care.
Ralph called in and said that maybe Scott is upset that he wasn't able to learn another language so he's taking it out on the Hispanics. Ralph was also saying that Scott always goes to the child molester stuff when he talks about gay people so something must have happened to him when he was a kid. Scott said that he didn't have anything done to him.
Howard let Scott go and then took a phone call from an X-Ray technician who said that Sal's comments about turning up the voltage on the machines was a bunch of bull. He said that's not the case at all. Howard was glad that he cleared that up for them. The guys goofed on Sal for a short time and then had Robin get back to her news. They ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off today's show saying that he had a problem and he was freaking out. He said he was kind of embarrassed by it. Last night he got home and was really tired because he got out of a meeting at 7 o'clock. Beth wasn't home because she's out in Pittsburgh. He got home and was excited because he wanted to get into bed and relax a little bit. He hopped in and watched a little TV but nothing was on except for 'Skating with the Stars.'' He said that was actually pretty good because Christy Swanson appears to be in love with her skating partner.
Howard said that he missed Jillian Barberie on the show but saw that she looked like she was just about naked. He also talked about Christy Swanson not looking all that good anymore. Artie asked if we were going to have to hear about this show every week now. Howard said that show is just about over so he doesn't have to worry about that.
Howard said he was waiting for the season finale of 'The Bachelor' that was on last night. He didn't see it though. He told the guys that he was totally fixated on Christy Swanson and her skating partner. The guy has left his pregnant wife to be with Christy. He said that it's like a train wreck watching Christy and this guy skating and holding hands and stuff. He wondered what goes on off the camera with those two.
That wasn't even the embarrassing part for Howard. He said he was watching that show and then started to watch 'The Bachelor.' He was all stressed out and knew he couldn't stay up to watch that show. He figured he'd get some shredded wheat and figured he'd throw some Ambien in there so he could get some sleep. He turned off 'The Bachelor' so he wouldn't get all caught up in that.
Howard said he was laying there and figured he'd whack off before going to sleep with the Ambien. He had his three tissues ready to go so he unloaded into the one tissue, wrapped that one in a second tissue and then wrapped up that mess with the third. He usually gets up and puts those in the garbage so the cleaning woman doesn't see it. He ended up passing out after he put it on his night table.
Howard got up, got ready to go to work, left the building and then went to work. As he arrived at the building he realized that he didn't throw away the wadded tissues. They're balled up with his jizz in it. He said he couldn't go home to get rid of it but he seriously thought about doing that. He's very nervous about it now that he's' thinking about it.
The cleaning woman will probably think he blew his nose and will just throw it away. He said it will be kind of heavy and it will have that weird ammonia smell to it. He said he likes to smell his own loads and that's what it smells like to him. He's still thinking about doing a recon mission to throw the stuff out. He wondered if he could send someone over there to pick it up and throw it out. Sal came walking in and offered to go over but Howard said he doesn't want him at his apartment.
Sal was pissed that Howard doesn't trust him even after working there for a year. The guys suggested JD instead. Gary came in and said that JD is working on something important so he may not be able to do it. He's working on a Ronnie documentary for the Howard Stern Film Festival. That led to Howard saying that they're anticipating a lot of movies to come in for that. JD said that he's covering Ronnie there, at home and at Scores. Gary was surprised that Ronnie was going to give him access at home.
Gary said that the best person to send is Jon Hein. He trusts him enough to let him go. Howard wasn't sure he wanted him to handle his jizz tissues. Jason was up next. Howard figured that he might be better than Jon Hein. Jason came in and said he's not thrilled about it but he will do it if Howard wants him to.
Gary offered to go up himself because it wouldn't take that long. Howard told him where to go since he knows the apartment. He told Gary to call him from the apartment and he'll direct him from there. Artie thought that was best to send Gary over there so they won't have someone who is too impressed with the place and might get sidetracked. That led to Howard talking about how nice some celebrity houses are. Artie mentioned that Adam Sandler had a really nice place out in California that he visited. He wasn't sure if he was renting it or owned it.
Howard said that Sam Kinison used to rent a nice place out there and he would keep the pool as hot as possible and must have kept the Arabs in business by burning a ton of oil. Ronnie came in and got Howard's key so they could get into his apartment.
Artie asked Howard about other celebrity homes so they talked about Rick Rubin's place, and Joan Rivers' place. Gary came back in and asked if they wanted a camera over there. Howard said he would let them do it if he could view the footage first but then he thought that the people in the building might get upset. He told him to just go over there and get the jizz tissues and leave the camera behind. Howard said he's really embarrassed by this because he's 52 years old and jerking off leaving tissues behind.
Howard said that Beth's father heard him talking about jerking off yesterday so he told her about that. He said he's the one who gave him his first SIRIUS tuner so it's kind of his fault. He said the guy also heard him talking about how he wanted to put his tongue in Beth's ass one time so that was kind of weird too because he's trying to be an upstanding guy with her family.
Beth will be on ''The Better Half'' show tonight talking about being with him and what that's like. She'll probably tell the story about how she met him and how her mother wouldn't talk to her for two weeks after she heard that she was dating Howard Stern. Artie said he loves that story.
Artie said that Dana saved a voice mail message that he left for her a few years ago and she may be playing it tonight on The Better Half Show. He said it's not quite as embarrassing as Gary's love tape but it should be pretty funny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's really happy to have him on satellite now since he lost him years ago down in North Carolina where he's living. Howard said that it's cool to have radio that you can get all around the country and know where your channels are at. Robin said she tells her friends about the service and how great it is because it's so convenient.
The caller told Howard that he got MS a few years ago and now he can't work. He said the show keeps him laughing. Robin asked how the MS affects him. The guy said it's different with every person but it can really screw you up. He said that his wife has to work full time. He's only 35 years old but he's had MS for about 14 years. Howard told him to read Dr. Sarno's book ''The Mindbody Prescription : Healing the Body, Healing the Pain.'' He said he thinks that he talks about MS in the book.
Howard told the guy that he feels really bad for him. The guy asked if he could get into the Film Festival. Howard said he's not sure he could do that but did invite him into the next Bob Levy roast. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard interrupted and said that Gary was in his apartment so he had to get to that. Howard explained the story again and told everyone how he jerked off and may have left his tissues next to his bed. Gary told Howard where he was going and tried to find the bed where the tissues might be. Howard guided him over to the night stand and there was nothing there. Howard had him look on the floor too. Howard really wasn't sure what he did with them because he had taken the Ambien. Gary looked under the pillows and in the sheets and didn't find anything.
Howard even had him shaking the sheets out. Nothing came out. Howard sent Gary into the bathroom to inspect the toilet to see if they were in there. Gary couldn't find the light in there so Howard told him to just forget it. Gary went ahead and found it and said the toilet was empty.
Howard told Gary to come back and talked about how sure he was that he left that stuff by the bed. He was so out of it on the Ambien that he doesn't know what he did. Artie said he had an issue with his toilet last night and had to use the plunger. He ended up leaving the plunger out on his terrace so he can clean it today. Artie said that when he gets his plunger dirty, he usually scrubs it in the toilet with boiling hot water. Howard said he just rinses it off and puts it back on the floor. Artie said he actually buys a new plunger once a month or so because he's shitting out the vending machine every night.
Howard said that Jim Kerr picked up a few listeners and he's been invited on his show so he may do an appearance on his show. Howard said that he heard that Adam Carolla's ratings were really bad and he came in last place out in Los Angeles. Artie thinks that's pretty hard to believe because Carolla was always funny when he came on Howard's show.
Howard said that he was number one in New York City for so many years that the papers never bothered to write it up as being a feat. He read how Carolla's show got a .7 rating in January so KLSX was the lowest rated station out there in L.A.
Howard said that Mel Karmazin went to Les and asked him why he let him talk about it on the air the whole time. Les allegedly told Mel that he knew that he could sue Howard afterward so he let him go on the air and do it. Howard said that Les has never gone after anyone except for Dan Rather and another reporter for screwing up something about the President.
Howard said that Les is doing this to get the attention off of himself because he's going to screw up the radio division. He said that his lawyer has told him that this case is ridiculous and won't go anywhere. Howard said that Les once told him that he had to learn about his move to satellite on his birthday. He also said that this case will just bring him even more publicity so it will probably be good for him. He said that this whole case is laughable.
Howard said that he got teary at the meeting he had with Joel and Les but it's because he spent so many years there and they let him go on the air and refer to SIRIUS as ''Eh, eh, ehhh.'' He said that Joel even said that he liked it when he referred to it as that. He thought it was funny. Howard said that all of that stuff drove up the ratings and also the revenue for the company. He did the opposite of screwing them over, he brought them even more money than they would have made if he didn't talk about that stuff.
Howard said that Les wouldn't defend his show against the FCC or sue Clear Channel when they canceled his show and didn't pay off his contracts... but they will sue him for talking about his future job. Howard said that Les even put him on ''60 Minutes'' and David Letterman's show because he brings in the ratings. He
Howard said that the meeting he had with Les told him that he has damages because they're not making money now. Howard said that's not his fault, he's allowed to leave the company. Les also said that Howard got a bonus payment for selling radios. Howard said that his deal was in the papers so he didn't need to talk about it on the air. He also said that they sold record amounts of advertising on his radio show and made a lot of money in that last year there.
Howard said that Les is now saying that he basically hijacked his radio stations for a year. Now it's going to show how this guy is going to run that company right into the ground. He's not a CEO and it will show.
Howard said that there's an article in Talkers Magazine that shows he's the number one radio guy in the country even though he's no longer on terrestrial radio. Howard went on to say that he's going to unleash on CBS radio now that they're suing him. He said he was keeping his mouth shut until this lawsuit came down. He said there has been some questionable practices over the years with those guys and he's going to investigate and expose that stuff to his fans.
Howard said that Les probably won't be running the radio division much longer and Tom Freston will probably take over once Sumner Redstone realizes what's going on. Howard also said that Joel is no Mel Karmazin and that's very obvious. He said that someone should take a look at what Jack FM is doing and how Les is running that company right into the ground.
Howard claims that Les turned to Joel during their meeting and told him he doesn't know how to pick a morning show. He did that right in front of Howard. He took a call from King of All Blacks who said that Booker was playing audio clips of Howard on his show yesterday so Howard thought that was kind of interesting. He said he doesn't care all that much about what happens over there anymore. He said he hopes that they all die.
Lisa said that they'll be talking to the Leather Weather Lady who used to be on the show many years ago. Lisa also told Howard that Anna Benson appears to have taken too many Sudafed's this morning. Gary said she wanted to talk about that on the air so Howard cut Lisa off and went to commercial break.
Howard asked her why she didn't just stay in the hotel and get some sleep. She said she had to get in there to do his show. She didn't want to miss out on that. Howard told her that her body was looking smoking hot. He pointed out her bright red lip color and pictured himself getting oral from her. He went on to ask her about how she learned how to do oral on a guy. She said that her husband taught her a lot about how to do it right. Howard asked her if she would put her tongue on his taint. She said he won't let her do that. She's tried to go stick it down there by his ass and he screamed like a girl according to Anna.
Anna told Howard that Kris keeps himself clean but he doesn't want her going back there. She said he's very clean cut in every way but didn't want to get into details about that. Howard said that he's got a forest of dingleberries back on his ass.
Anna gave Howard a gift which was one of her bras. She said that was as close as Howard was going to get to her breasts. Howard said he'd hang that up on his trophy cabinet there in the studio.
Howard asked Anna about her husband moving from the Mets to the Orioles this season. She was making some goofy jokes about how the Mets needed balls for the team and wanted to trade balls for Chris. Howard told her to stop with the jokes and asked her if it was true that she got into some trouble for going out and talking about some of her husband's teammates and that's why Kris left the team. Anna said that she said some things that may have been considered racist to some people but she was just stating the facts about how Carlos Delgato told her that they were trying to put together an all Hispanic team.
Anna said that if the Mets are willing to trade her husband just because she's a pain in the ass, that's their problem. Howard told Anna that the team might want to keep her under control because the team is kind of conservative. Now her husband is off the team and on a new team. Fred thinks that she hurt her husband by doing that stuff. He thinks that he could have had a better career if he stayed there in New York.
Gary said that he agrees with Fred that he probably could have gotten better deals if he was a New York player. Anna said that she's going to continue to speak her mind and not hold back. Howard doesn't think that Kris would have wanted to move from the Mets to the Orioles.
Howard asked Anna if she's had any work done on her because she looks really good. She said that she just lost weight. She got in a couple of plugs for her own side deals like MoboCelebs.com and GolddiggerPoker.com.
Anna said that she wants to be known as her own person instead of being known as Kris Benson's wife. She said that she wants to be known as the hottest bitch alive. She was telling the guys that she has 15,000 players on her poker site each day and she even goes online and plays with people sometimes.
Howard talked to Anna about why she doesn't like Michael Moore. She said that she has the reasons listened on her web site AnnaBenson.net. She was also talking about the guns she likes to shoot so Howard changed the subject and asked her to remove her stockings because they weren't very sexy to him. She said he had them on because it's cold outside. Howard told her he hates pantyhose and wanted them off for the rest of the interview. She didn't want to take them off because she didn't want to get any sicker than she was.
Anna told Howard that he's much better looking than she expected and that she wouldn't mind hanging out with Beth for a minute. She said that she would like to meet her and talk to her. Howard thought she meant that she wanted to bang her but Anna said that she'd want to bond with her first.
Howard was going to take some phone calls for Anna but she went off on Artie a little bit before that happened. She thought he was playing the sound effects but that was actually Fred. She called him out so she could see his face. Howard wanted to see her dance a little bit but she wasn't into doing that unless Howard went over to her. Howard got up and walked around to the couch to see her.
A phone caller said that the doctors from Baltimore probably tried to sedate this chick to calm her down. He called her a bitch during that call too. Another caller said that this woman is a crazy bitch and a spoiled. He said that her husband couldn't get the job done and that's why he's not on the Mets anymore.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Anna how wild she'd get during this interview. He asked her to show some skin but she told him to get FHM if he wanted to see skin. He said he wants to see the real thing, not an airbrushed image of her. She said that every magazine picture is airbrushed. She also told Howard she wasn't going to show him any skin either. Howard told her he needs to see something but she wasn't going there.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if she would go strip at a strip club since she used to be a stripper. She goofed on the guy's voice and told him that she could buy up all of those clubs with the money she has now. Another caller told her that she's the biggest C-word in the world. Howard told Anna that her body is going to waste and asked her to show her ass. She said that if Howard plugged her GolddiggerPoker.com web site, she'd take off her pantyhose. Howard turned down that lame offer.
Howard gave Anna a couple more plugs for her web sites and FHM magazine layout. He wrapped up with her a short time later. He told her not to wear pantyhose the next time she comes in.
Howard said that they surprised Tabitha with this 'This is Your Sex Life' thing. She had no idea they were going to do this. Howard said that they have some people from her past sex life and she had to try and recognize the people. First up was Jeff the Drunk who called her some names after complaining that he didn't get any butt sex from her.
Tabitha knew it was Jeff the Drunk so they brought him in. She said that she didn't really have sex with him because he wasn't able to perform. Jeff said that she didn't lube it up and didn't do it right. Tabitha said that she's always loved Jeff but he was so drunk that he couldn't get a hard on. Jeff went off on her calling her an F'ing C and some other unkind words. She blamed it on him because she put the condom on and it went limp. He gave her a few F-yous to her and said that it was bullshit that she didn't have sex with him. She did use her hand on him though.
Jeff was pissed and said that a lot of guys make fun of him because of that whole thing. Jeff wouldn't stop with the F-Yous. She said that it wouldn't have mattered if she had lubed him up or not, he still would have gotten limp.
Howard moved on to the next person in 'This is Your Sex Life.' This time it was a woman. She said a few words about their past and Taibtha knew who it was. She was on the show and played Lesbian Dial-A-Date on Howard's old show. She said that she got to have sex with Tabitha in her hotel room. Amanda and Tabitha talked about their 'date' that day and how they took a shower together. Amanda's husband actually got to watch the two of them doing that. Tabitha said that she encouraged that part.
Amanda said that Tabitha rubbed her down with cocoa butter and that started to get her turned on. Amanda then went on to tell Howard all of the details about what she did to Tabitha. She ate her out and licked her ass among other things. They did that for about 15 minutes and Amanda enjoyed that. She said it was fun but she didn't get off on that. They then used a double ended vibrator to get each other off. They both experienced orgasms.
Howard asked the two of them if they wanted to get on the Sybian together. Amanda said that she actually had one of those things for a while. Tabitha said that this would be her first time on one. Amanda said that the owner of the company loaned her one so she could make a video. Howard asked them if she wanted to do it but Amanda said she can't do it for various reasons.
Howard told Tabitha to head on over and get on the Sybian since Amanda can't do it. She hopped on and the guys gave her some suggestions on how to do it. She actually put the thing inside of her after spitting on it. Gary turned the machine on and started out at the lowest speed then turned it up a bit. He turned it up a little more, bit by bit and slowly worked it up to 20 percent, 30 percent... Then Tabitha said she was humping the thing and asked for him to just jack it all the way up. She was screaming at 60 percent but she asked for him to keep it going. She kept screaming and said that she wanted that thing out of there. She also said she felt like she had to pee. Gary had it up to 80 percent and she seemed to think that was pretty intense. Then he jacked it up to 100 percent and she wasn't able to move. She sounded like she was a bit thrown off by the power of the thing. Gary had it rotating and vibrating at full speed.
Tabitha said it felt good and she didn't want it to stop. Artie asked her what was more satisfying, this or Curro (Jeff the Drunk). She didn't hear him and kept asking Gary to turn it up even higher. Tabitha said that she felt like urinating all over the place. This went on for a few minutes, most women only lasted a short time on the thing but she just kept going.
Gary had Tabitha get off the machine so he could show her what was going on. She got off and sucked the machine that she was just sitting on. She said that the short part on the machine looked like Jeff after he shrunk. Jeff gave her another F-you for that. Tabitha was shaking after she got off the thing. Howard had her go back to the couch so they could move on. She was barely able to walk from what the guys were saying.
The guys told Tabitha about Jenna Jameson's ride on the Sybian. She was able to get off while she was on that thing. Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't wait to see this stuff on Howard Stern On Demand. Tabitha said that she thinks the Sybian got to her head. She felt ''good and strange'' after her ride. Howard took another phone call from a guy who told him he was a god for putting that thing on the air. Another caller told Howard he was jerking off while driving. Howard told him to be careful because that might be illegal.
Howard got back to 'This is Your Sex Life.' The next person was Steve the Wheelchair guy who Tabitha had sex with out in Las Vegas. Howard wanted to talk to him but Jeff was distracting him so much he had to tell Gary to give him a chair. They got back to Steve a minute later. Steve is in a wheelchair because he has Muscular Dystrophy. He said he hasn't gotten laid since Tabitha did him. Howard told Tabitha that she's a saint because she helped this guy Steve out and had sex with him. She had to a lot of work to move him to the bed and to remove his clothes.
Howard took a call from a cop who said he hoped he didn't get a call during this segment. Howard said that one of Tabitha's false eyelashes got knocked off from the Sybian. Steve told Howard about what he and Tabitha did the time they had sex. He had no problem getting erect according to Tabitha.
Howard moved on to the next person and had him say a few words to her. It turns out to be Irish John's brother Steve. She knows him through John of course. She said she kind of dated him a little bit but she lives out in California and he lives in New York so it was tough. Steve said that he had sex with her without a condom at least one time. Tabitha said that he's packing down there too. They had sex at least a dozen times. Steve said that she even let him finish in her mouth one time. Steve was kind of nervous and could barely speak. Robin said he looked like a mess because he was so nervous.
Howard gave Tabitha a plug for her web site TabithaStevens.com and said that they had even more people to bring in. Gary said they had two more but there were four others that they told not to come in.
The next guy was Jay who ate dog excrement to win a date with Tabitha. He said that it was back in 2003 that he came in and ate the dog crap. He said he doesn't regret it either. He got to meet Howard and have sex with Tabitha. He said that the shit he ate tasted just like everyone would expect it to. He said that there was actually a stick in the crap. He said that he got really sick two days after that and it was probably due to the crap he ate. Tabitha hoped that it wasn't from her. Jay said that Tabitha gave him great oral and she did an amazing job at that.
Howard moved on to the last person which was a woman who had sex with Tabitha. She was with her half-brother as well during that. Tabitha couldn't remember the person's name but she did remember that they were very nice. Her name was Aubrey. She told Howard and the guys about what happened that day. She said that she went to one end and her brother went to the other end. Aubrey did her down below while her brother did Tabitha up top. She said that Tabitha tasted like strawberries. Howard thought it was kind of creepy to have her brother there but she said she tried to block that part out.
Howard took a few phone calls and people said they enjoyed this segment. He never would have been able to pull that off on his old radio show. Jeff the Drunk came back in the studio and started going off on everyone again. Howard wrapped up with Tabitha and everyone else a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that the company did very well while he was talking about SIRIUS on the air, not even referring to it as 'SIRIUS' but as 'Eh, eh, ehhh.' Howard said he can't wait for Sumner Redstone to see what's going on as the radio division bleeds them dry.
Howard said he's been reading a million things about Kid in the papers lately. He asked him about the sex tape that was supposed to come out with him and Scott Stapp from the band Creed. Kid said that Stapp was the one who brought the camera in and he had no desire to be on tape getting oral from four chicks. He said he's into the blow jobs but not into the camera thing.
Howard told Kid about how poorly Stapp treated his girlfriend Beth when he appeared on ''Casino Cinema'' with her. Beth asked him not to go off on him on the air but then he started reading more and more stories about the guy and how out of control he is. Kid said he thought that Stapp was a really religious guy but he's the guy who came in with the video camera. Kid said the tape was made about 6 years ago and he's wondering how the tape even came out because it was Stapp's camera.
Howard said that Kid was able to stop the tape from coming out and he can understand why he wouldn't want that out there if he wants to bang some more actresses. Kid said he has no desire to date anymore actresses, he's done with that. Kid said that things did work out kind of good around all of that because he's got a record coming out.
Kid said that he remembers some of the stuff that went on during the recording of that tape. He said that he was swinging from things in the trailer and stuff like that. He also remembered going to say goodbye to Scott after the tape was made and the guy was cuddled up with one of the chicks in his trailer. Howard couldn't figure out why the guy would put the tape out.
Howard asked Kid if he ever slept with Sheryl Crow. He said he doesn't kiss and tell. They spent a minute talking about her breast cancer and Howard joked that maybe Lance Armstrong gave her cancer by dropping a load on her chest. Kid said that he hopes she's okay.
Howard brought up Pam Anderson since Kid dated her for a while. Howard had predicted that Kid would be out of there as soon as he found out about her Hepatitis C. Kid said he went out and learned more about it and found that it isn't transferred through sexual contact. He said there are still some people out there who think he has to wear four condoms to protect himself from that stuff.
Kid said that Pam's kids are great but Tommy Lee is an idiot. Howard asked him what went on between Kid and Tommy when they got into a fight one time. Kid said that he might be able to hook Howard up with some video of Tommy getting beat up. Howard told him that he should enter that in his Howard Stern Film Festival. Kid said that it wasn't him who beat up Tommy, it was someone else. Howard tried to figure out the story and figured it was Eminem's posse who beat up Tommy. Kid said that he was getting warmer... but he didn't want to get Marshall (Eminem) involved in it because he had nothing to do with it.
Howard told Kid that Pam is one of the sexiest people out there but wondered if the sex is really that good. He said he's been with her when she's in bra and panties and it seems like she'd be good. Kid said that the sex was good and fun but that was old news. He said he's got better things to talk about.
Kid was with Jesse Jaymes the porn star but she was also with Tommy Lee. Howard talked to him about that for a short time and then brought up Elton John's wedding. Kid went to the wedding and even went to the bachelor party. He said that the wedding was great too.
Howard asked Kid about his new album Live Trucker which is out today. Kid said he's going to try and work on a new album but he's got so much going on right now that he hasn't had time to write anything.
Kid told Howard that he got a portable stripper pole to take on the road when he's out touring. He said that he's having fun with that stuff. He said he doesn't have much of a game with the girls, he relies on his talent to bring them in instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard about the Tommy Lee fight and talked about how scared shitless he was. Another caller said that Kid doesn't want that video to come out because he doesn't match up to Tommy Lee's size. Kid asked Howard if he looked scared.
Howard played some of Kid's ''Motherfucker like Me'' song off his new album ''Live Trucker.'' Howard said that his female drummer is great. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in and said that he had so much stuff to play today and he didn't have time to get to any of it. He mentioned a few of the things he has and said that he's got to stop booking so many guests on the show.
During the break Howard and Artie were talking about betting on the Oscars this weekend. They said that you can actually bet through YouWager.com which is one of Howard's advertisers. Howard read through some of the odds from the site. Artie said he'll bet on just about anything and he was thinking about throwing some money down on this stuff. Howard said he might put a couple hundred down on Jake Gyllenhal to win Best Actor. He was running out of time and wanted to end the conversation but they kept going for a few more minutes. Howard wondered what the odds of Paul Giamatti mentioning his name are. Gary said they're trying to get Paul to call in this week so Howard can remind him before the show.
Howard asked Gary if he has him all booked up tomorrow. They have Joanie Laurer and Gilbert Gottfried booked on the show for tomorrow. They also have Red Peters coming in to promote his radio show quickly. Howard figured he wouldn't be able to get to anything tomorrow if they have that many people booked but Gary said that Red's interview should be pretty quick.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris during the news but he had to tell her that he couldn't get to her because it was getting too late. Artie asked her if she wanted to fuck. Of course she said she would. Fred heard what he thought was a pulse meter in the background as Howard was talking to her but she said that she saw Elvis on the TV and she wanted to get f'd. Howard said she has no ability to answer a question without being dirty. He put her on hold so they could set her up for tomorrow's show. He had Robin wrap up her news quickly so he could get out of there. He ended the show by about 10:10am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how there's never a dull moment in his life. Yesterday he went out and did a press conference about the lawsuit that CBS was filing against him. He said that it was held at his lawyer's office. He said he was nervous that he wouldn't be able to make his point. He thought that Howard 100 News was going to play the whole thing but they didn't talk about it at all. There were apparently some nervous people at SIRIUS so they told Liz Aiello not to talk about it. Gary said the first 15 minutes of the 6 o'clock news was supposed to be about the press conference and they didn't cover it at all.
Howard claims that he tried to talk to Les Moonves about the lawsuit and tried to explain to him that the bonus he was given was an accelerated bonus so Les said that changed everything. Les told Howard that he's also holding on to tapes that they own but Howard said they both need keys to the archives so he keeps a copy for himself. He thought he had things settled with them but they still filed the lawsuit.
Howard said that he's going to have to shell out a lot of money for this lawsuit but people are telling him that this is going to put him back in the spotlight so it may work out okay in the end. He said that his lawyer said that this lawsuit has no merit and CBS Radio let him talk about this stuff without saying anything to him all last year.
Howard said he thinks this is personal and it's all a waste of time for everyone. He said he's going to be forced to do some stuff that he didn't want to do. He was going to take this stuff to the grave with him but he's not going to let Les Moonves bully him. He's going to reveal some stuff in the next month that he really didn't want to.
Howard said he's not sure that Les comprehends what he says to him. Les was telling him that he has damages now because his radio division isn't making money. Howard said that isn't his fault, he just left the company. If the company doesn't make money after he leaves, it's not his fault.
Gary asked Howard about part of the lawsuit where they say that Howard was supposed to reveal any deal he had so they could make him an offer first. Howard said that he spoke to Joel Hollander before he signed with SIRIUS and he knew that they were dealing with satellite radio. Howard said that Joel wanted to work the deal for him on satellite. He said he would never let Joel work the deal for him, that would be insane.
Howard said that if he didn't mention a word about SIRIUS while on regular radio, he still would have had his fans sign on to hear his show. If he wasn't allowed to mention it, they would have had the same amount of people sign up. CBS Radio (formerly Infinity) allowed him to talk about SIRIUS on the air for 14 months and never did anything to stop him.
Artie said that CBS is asking for the money he was making for them in advertising, plus the money he's making at SIRIUS and that's so unethical. Howard said that his contract at CBS said that he could talk about anything he wanted so this case really can't stand up in court.
Howard said that Les Moonves has always had it in for him. He believes that Les and his radio division is going to crumble but Les will somehow come out being squeaky clean. He said that David Lee Roth will probably lose his job and so will Joel Hollander.
Howard said that Les is still in charge of CBS TV and he thinks that he's invincible because of that. He's sitting on top of the world and he's worth more than the network itself. Meanwhile people really hate him over there from what Howard says. He was also saying that Tom Freston is waiting to take over all of that once Sumner Redstone leaves. Les is making himself look like he's completely out of control now.
Howard said that Les has screwed him over on a TV deal that he had years ago. That's the history he was talking about with Les screwing him over. He said that the guy's life is crumbling around him. There was an article written about this whole thing by a journalist who doesn't like Howard. He said that even that guy thinks that Les is out of his mind by bringing up this lawsuit. It just puts Howard back in the spotlight. The author thought that Howard Stern was almost forgotten about and Les went and put him back out there which will promote SIRIUS even more.
Howard read the article about the lawsuit and then said that everyone should watch what that company does to the talent over there. They're all going to get screwed because they really don't care about their talent. The author pointed out that Howard is barely heard anymore because he moved to satellite. That's why no one is talking about him now... but Les changed that and put him and his show back on the front page of the newspaper.
Howard asked how they could let him go on David Letterman's show and 60 Minutes to promote SIRIUS and then sue him for promoting it on his radio show. He also asked how Les and Joel could come on his old radio show, wish him luck and tell him that they bought SIRIUS radios so they could listen to the show, and then sue. It doesn't make any sense.
Howard said that Les never came to him and offered to do some things to help keep him on terrestrial radio. They didn't fight the FCC fines or even Clear Channel after they fired him from their 6 radio stations.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he heard that the Chicago Bulls are suing Michael Jordan because their team sucks. He was kidding but that's basically the same thing that CBS is doing to Howard. Howard said that the things they're suing him over are crazy and that's why he held this press conference yesterday. He wanted to give his side of the story even before the lawsuit was filed.
Howard claims that if Joel Hollander had told him not to talk about satellite radio at all, he would have complied. He said that Joel agreed to let him talk about it and even thought it was funny when they were referring to it as ''Eh, eh, ehhh.'' They knew he was going to be talking about it and they let him do it for over a year. He said that Les was even complaining that he had to learn that he was leaving for satellite on his birthday. Howard said he wondered if the guy was 10 years old when he heard that complaint. He believes that this is all personal to Les and Joel.
Howard's lawyer believes that this will all be dismissed. If it's not, Howard believes that he will win the case. He said it's kind of sad that those guys can't just move on and forget about him. He said he's forgotten about terrestrial radio and moved on so they should do the same.
Howard wanted to bring his old tapes over to satellite and play his old shows on their own channel. Joel Hollander didn't allow that to happen, they wanted more money from him. He said the whole thing is mind boggling and he's not sure what they want from him. He can't wait to see the reports on the sales figures from his old radio stations. They can't sell ads without an audience and they can't make money if they don't sell ads. Howard said that Les probably doesn't even listen to his own radio stations and they will end up selling the radio division for record losses.
Mel Karmazin built up the radio division over there and Les is going to run it right into the ground. He said that having Les in charge is like putting Pig Virus in charge of a corporation. There are also a lot of people who are happy that he's finally speaking out about Les. He's getting a lot of feedback about the guy.
Howard said that before he left for satellite, Les was in the newspaper saying that this was a good move for him and that terrestrial radio could never hold on to him. He said that he called Les and Joel ''The Two Stooges'' at the press conference yesterday because they're both bumbling fools.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this sounds like a scorned ex-wife type of thing. Howard said he said the same thing when he was in the meeting with those two dopes. Even if the lawsuit is dismissed by a judge, Howard will still have to shell out a lot of money. Howard said that his argument about talking about satellite on his old show is that it was a huge news story and he was going to be leaving the company anyway. It led to his ratings going up and tons of press. In turn that led to them making a lot of money on advertising over there at CBS Radio.
Howard said that their profits were never higher while he was talking about ''Eh, eh, ehhh'' over there. This whole suit is stupid. The caller that Howard had on the line asked if Tom Chiusano was afraid he was going to lose his job when he left. Howard said he went out to dinner with Tom after he left and he's still friendly with him.
Howard said that the old station had full control over what went out over the air and they could have hit the delay button on him if they didn't want him talking about his move. He got back to the Tom story and said that he went out with him and his wife on New Year's Eve and had a great time with him. They worked together for 20 years. Tom apparently told Howard that he had nothing to do with what was coming up. He didn't know what Tom was talking about until this whole lawsuit came up. He doesn't blame any of this stuff on Tom. Tom was put in a strange position and he's still in a bad position. He figures that he will take the blame for the failure of the station eventually and it's really not his fault.
The caller asked Howard if SIRIUS is ever going to charge extra for his show. Howard said that won't happen. XM tried that with Opie and Anthony but no one was willing to shell out for their show so they did away with the extra charge. Robin joked about their 'army' which consists of about four people.
A phone caller asked Howard if Tom Chiusano has commented on this lawsuit. Howard said he hasn't as far as he knows. He went on to say that his lawyer thinks that this whole thing won't go anywhere. He said he ran into Scott Greenstein yesterday and he never runs into him. He told Scott that he never has to worry about him because he's going to sit there and do his job for his audience. That's what CBS Radio lost out on when they lost him. They didn't have to worry about his show because it did so well.
Robin said that she has had some conversations with people over at the old station and they're amazed at how much attention they have to pay to the morning show now. When they were there, there were no worries. Howard said that he's got some stories to tell that he doesn't want to talk about yet. It's all about the business practices of that company. His lawyer asked him not to talk about it at this point but they have stepped on a hornets nest with him now that they've brought this case against him.
Howard said that this lawsuit is going to sell even more radios for SIRIUS. His face is on the newspaper and on TV now thanks to Les and Joel. He took another phone call from a guy who said that this is personal because Les and Joel are trying to destroy him because he's making money even without the old material.
Gary came in and asked what Howard thinks the end game is with all of this. Howard said his lawyer asked the same thing. They can't win this lawsuit so no one is sure what they think will happen. Howard thinks that they believe they saw a weakness in him when he teared up during the meeting he had with those guys. He said he gave that company 20 years of work and continued to work for the final 14 months of his contract. He didn't do anything to cause them harm or disadvantage them but they're still suing him. Robin said that if they actually do win, it will destroy Howard. She wondered if that's what they want to do to someone who built up their company to what it was. Howard said he wanted to work with them even after he left to maybe bring the old tapes over there but they weren't willing to work with him on that.
Howard told Robin that Les Moonves backs down from every fight except with the talent on CBS. He had to let Dan Rather go after he screwed up one story. He said that the guy has no spine but he's got it in for him for some reason. Howard said that they must have expected him to stick around forever over there but it just wasn't going to happen. He's much happier now that he's off the air over there. He said it's like something out of The Godfather where the old Family can't let go of him. If they can't have him, nobody will. That's what it seems like to both Howard and Robin.
Howard said he asked Joel and Les if they wouldn't be better served concentrating on the radio division instead of just suing him. Howard took another call from a guy who said that they're just going to try and discredit him. That will lead to the government going after him and try to regulate satellite. Howard said he heard from someone in the government that going after him would be very good for certain politicians. That may happen some day. Howard wanted to drop the discussion so he could move on to other things. Robin said it was sounding like the old days on terrestrial radio when they were complaining about stuff.
Howard said that he told Les that he's going to be the laughing stock of the whole corporation after all of this comes out. He's right because that's what was happening in that audio clip he just played. Artie said that he believes that the people who didn't come over to satellite and just stopped listening to radio all together are now going to see Howard in the paper and think about coming over to SIRIUS. Howard said they never treated him like he was the most important person over there while he was working there. Now that he's gone they finally see what they let go.
Howard played a couple more news reports were some reporters were talking about how crazy this lawsuit is. A lot of the reporters seem to think that this case won't go anywhere. Howard said that he had guests to get to so he was finally going to take a break (an hour and 10 minutes into the show). He and the guys continued to talk about the whole thing. Robin said that if CBS wins this case, it's only $600 million and that kind of money isn't going to help them get out of the hole they're in. Howard finally went to break after that.
Howard said that it's all just pathetic and sad to him. He said he thinks that Les always wanted to be famous and well known but this isn't the way to do things. The stockholders of the company are going to get nervous when they see this stuff.
Howard thinks that he looked horrible at the press conference yesterday. He said he doesn't look like that all the time. He thinks he looked like an ostrich or something. Meanwhile he was goofing on the fat black chick on American Idol last night. That got him on another subject finally. He said that Paula Abdul has no idea what that show is all about. She's always getting upset with the other judges when they give their opinions. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that show. Artie said that if Paula doesn't like judging people, she shouldn't have taken a job as a judge.
Howard said that the big fat woman can sing the best on the show but she's a big, fat woman. He said that doesn't work for him. He said that the blonde with the really big tits is stripper material but she can't sing. He said that most of the performers can't sing.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that there is no way this lawsuit can go anywhere. She was a bit off the subject because she apparently thought the suit was about satellite being regulated. Howard cut her off and moved on to Eric the Midget who was on the phone.
Eric the Midget called in to give his update about last night's American Idol. Eric told Howard who he thought the two worst performers were on American Idol last night. Howard agreed with what he was saying. He also said that if they took Simon Cowell off that show, there wouldn't be a show. It's all about Simon and the singers. Without Simon the whole thing wouldn't work. Howard believes that if they lose him, the whole franchise is done. Howard let Eric go because he didn't think anyone wanted to hear more. Robin said that it appears that Eric doesn't really care about music.
Howard said that he called the show and tried to ask a few questions. He also said that he was reading some comments from the SternFanNetwork.com site and some people were bored with it. There were others who thought that Dana sounded a bit down. Howard said that Beth came off pretty good because she was pushing Jon Hein to get to Dana and Artie's story.
Howard thought that Gary's wife Mary was prepared for the show and Gary must have spoken to her before hand. She wasn't answering honestly in Howard's opinion. He said that she did come clean when she said that she was offended when Gary touched Jenny McCarthy's breasts on the show one time. Fred thought it was interesting when Mary was talking about how Gary doesn't do all that much around the house and that she does about 90 percent of the housework.
Howard played a clip of Beth talking about how she got a little upset when Howard talked about her bowel movement problems. Robin said that there was one part where Beth talked about how she had to spend a day with her mother crying because she wasn't interested in having kids. Howard didn't have that clip. He did have a clip of Gary calling in as 'Joe from Rochester' and asking his wife if she gets upset when he touches other woman's breasts. No one knew it was actually Gary calling in. The girls talked about their men going to strip clubs and coming home smelling horrible and glistening with glitter. Beth talked about how she has sex with Howard before he goes to Scores just to make sure he comes back to her. She said it's fine when he goes and it's harmless.
A caller told Howard he thought the show was great last night. Howard said he thought it was great too. Robin was kind of upset when Howard called in because he broke up the flow. Howard said he did that because he was reading SFN and he thought he was helping them out. Robin wanted to hear those people talking, not Howard. A phone caller told Howard that he did improve the show. Jon Hein also came in and said he didn't get upset when Howard called in but Robin was still saying that it broke up the flow of the show.
Artie said that he was cringing when the women were talking about the strip club thing because Dana mentioned that she went with him one time. Artie said that was the biggest mistake to bring his girlfriend to Scores. Howard agreed with him on that and said that it was a bad idea to bring Beth to Scores.
Howard played another audio clip from last night's show where Mr. X, Robin's boyfriend, was talking about what life is like with her. He doesn't answer a question seriously though. Every answer is a joke so he was joking about her pleasuring herself with vegetables. Gary said there was another clip where Mr. X was talking about when they first met and how Robin was slapping her breasts on the bar.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he tuned into the show last night and hoped to hear some back stories but that never came out. He said other than that, the show was good. Another caller said that he wishes that Howard would stop calling into the shows he has on his channels. Howard didn't think that he was calling in too much. The guy also complained about Ralph calling in right after Howard. Howard said he will never call into another show again if that's what the listeners are thinking.
Jon Hein said that he was glad that Howard called in because he was afraid to ask some of the questions that he asked. Jessica Hahn called in and said that she liked that Howard called in. The show went from a 2 to a 10 when he did call in according to Jessica. She thought that Howard got a few more revelations out of the girls that Jon wasn't able to get. She thinks that he should always call in. Howard said he figured Jon was holding back a little bit so he asked the hard questions for him.
Artie said that he and Dana are talking more now and things seemed to have gotten better since she made that appearance. He was telling the guys that he didn't know that Dana wanted to be married as much as she was saying on the show. Dana was also saying that she thinks that Artie feels that he has to be married because he's 38 and all of his friends are married. Artie said that's not the way he feels though. Robin said that Artie and Dana were on different pages because they were both interviewed for Howard 100 News and had different stories when they were asked about where their relationship was at. Artie thought things were coming to an end but Dana said that he just needs to get some therapy for himself and she'll be there for him.
Jessica said that the people over on SFN were wondering why Jon didn't get to Dana sooner than he did. Jon said he probably should have brought that up sooner than he did. Howard said he thinks that Dana really loves Artie and he was kind of surprised by that. So was Robin. Howard said that he thought that Dana left out an important part of how they met because she blew him off for a long time before she agreed to go out with him. He thinks that she didn't agree to go out with him until she found out Artie was on the show.
Artie said that he actually bought a ring and was ready to get engaged but he ended up returning it. Artie said that they're going to figure things out and they will be dating again. Howard thanked Jon for a good show last night and went to commercial.
Howard moved on and brought in Joanie Laurer who used to be known as Chyna when she was wrestling. Howard said that she was fully dressed today, unlike her last appearance on his show. Joanie said that this was very exciting being there. She said that she didn't want to kill Howard's mojo but she was watching his old movie ''Private Parts'' recently and didn't know what he had gone through. She congratulated him on his move to satellite after that.
Howard said the last time Joanie was on the show she had her brother there. Joanie said she just said that he was her brother, but it wasn't. Howard asked her what's going on with her these days. She said that she's back so Howard wanted to know what that meant. He went over her career and how she had gone into a tailspin for a while and left the WWE. She was also on The Surreal Life and it looked like she was a mess there.
Joanie said that through her wrestling career she was trying her hardest and she was impressed with herself but then the business started to change. She said that there have been a lot of deaths in wrestling because it is a dangerous business. Joanie said she didn't know anything about the business when she started. She went out with a smile on her face when she was wrestling but she didn't know what she had gotten herself into.
Joanie said that when she left the wrestling industry, which she looked at as a family, she was disrespect by the WWE and that was kind of depressing. She moved out to Hollywood after that and wanted to do some TV and movies. Howard said that she was obviously drinking on The Surreal Life. He asked her if she was doing coke too. She said she wasn't and then told Howard that she didn't have a problem right away when she moved out to Hollywood.
Howard figured that it was when Triple H left her for Vince McMhaon's daughter Stephanie. Joanie said that was the thing that sent her into a tailspin. Howard and Robin figure that Triple H is actually the one running the WWE now. Joanie said that she moved to Hollywood and Sean Waltman showed up on her doorstep. That led to her sex video coming out. Joanie said she doesn't like to promote that because all of the proceeds go to the Waltman World of Wrestling.
Joanie said that she was going through some tough times after that. Howard interrupted and gave her a plug for her movie ''Illegal Aliens.'' You can find out more about that at EdgewoodStudios.com. He also took a phone call from a guy who asked Joanie about using steroids. Howard figured she must have used them to look the way she does. Joanie says that she never did use them. She said that she came from a world where steroids and other drugs are an issue. She said she was dealing with a lot of drug users when she was wrestling.
Howard said that Joanie is in this movie ''Illegal Aliens'' with Anna Nicole Smith who is looking amazing these days. Joanie said that she is kind of a wacky woman but she's very smart. Howard asked her if Anna Nicole was tough to work with because she wasn't able to remember her lines. Joanie said that's normal for shooting a movie and it wasn't out of the ordinary. They also asked Joanie if Anna came on to her and tried to hook up with her. Joanie said that didn't happen but they did feel each other's boobs. She said that they all touch each other's boobs.
Howard took a call from a guy who saw the video of Joanie having sex and they're convinced that she has a small penis and not a clitoris. Howard said it was just an engorged clitoris. Joanie went on to say that there are millions of women in this country who are abused and she is one of them. She said that it's not funny and it's not a joke. She claims that Sean tried to kill her and sent her to the hospital so it's really not funny. She thinks that she should be behind bars. She also said that she's surprised that he's not dead from drug use. Howard interrupted her and asked her if she's totally shaven. She didn't answer that so Howard asked more about her not having sex. She said she's very scared from what she's gone through and she's just not ready yet.
Howard asked her if she touches herself to get off. Joanie said that she has issues with sex so she doesn't even do that. She hasn't used a vibrator or anything like that. He asked her if she's had a wet dream but then corrected himself and said that he forgot that only men have that.
Howard wanted to hear Joanie perform her song ''Holiday'' again but she didn't have a guitar player with her today. Joanie said that her band kind of broke up. Howard asked her to do it the next time she's in. She said she's working on her guitar playing already.
Howard was telling Joanie that she's a lot of woman. Artie said that she's ''quite a woman minus the Wo...'' Joanie laughed pretty hard at that joke. Fred was doing his Herman Munster impression as Joanie since her voice is so deep for a woman.
Howard asked Joanie about this movie that she's in. She said she plays the part of an alien that wants to take over the world. She didn't have a back story. She said she comes from the planet Binalstro 7 and disguises herself as a hot chick while on Earth. Howard asked her why she comes to this planet and why she's at war with Anna Nicole Smith. She said that she comes here to save the Earth and move everyone off before her planet collides with it.
Joanie said that they'll be showing this movie to a bunch of distributors trying to get it on the big screen somewhere. She said that it was a low budget film but she's not sure exactly what the budget was. She's hoping it will become some type of cult film. She'll be seeing it for the first time tonight.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one of the guys was this guy Hanzi who asked her to get on the Sybian. Joanie said ''no way bitch'' and refused to get on the thing. She said she feels much more in control this time since she's not drunk. Howard played some audio from her movie and had Fred goofing on that a little bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how much Joanie can bench. She said that she once tried 365 pounds but got buried. She said she usually lifts about 315 pounds. The guys sounded pretty impressed by that number. Howard started to wrap up with her and asked her if she has money left over from her wrestling days. She said she doesn't have any left but she knows that she can make millions of dollars for a company so that's what she's going to do. She figures that the money will come to her eventually.
Joanie told Howard and Robin that she was very happy to be there. Howard told her to come back wasted next time. Howard asked her if she would do the Meet the Shrink show. She said she would but it sounded like she was kidding. She asked about Howard's Film Festival so he told her to go out and make something for it. You can find out more about the film festival at Howard.tv.
Before Joanie left, Howard asked her what her favorite curse word is. She said that it's ''fuckhead'' and apparently didn't know that they were free to speak that way on satellite radio. Howard wrapped up and went to commercial break after that.
Howard did a quick commercial for YOUR TEXT HERE" target="_blank">StubHub.com and then talked more about Joanie kissing him goodbye. He said that he noticed that she had a cough after she kissed him goodbye. Now he keeps catching a whiff of her every time he breathes in.
Howard had a bunch of stuff to get to. He took a call from a woman who asked Howard about the CBS lawsuit and how they can sue him for some of the stuff they mentioned in the suit. Howard said that the part about the bonus he got would have happened no matter how many people came over to the service. He said the whole lawsuit makes no sense and he doesn't want to go over it again since he spent over an hour on that earlier in the morning. He said that the only thing that this suit is doing for CBS is keeping everyone distracted from what's happening to that company.
Howard said that this stuff weighs heavily on him when they say that he was being fraudulent and stuff like that. He doesn't believe he was and it really bothers him.
Gary came in with some ratings info for The Apprentice from Monday night. It had the lowest ratings ever for an episode of that show. It was in fourth place against shows like The Bachelor and 24. Howard said that they should have started the show a week later so it wasn't against the season finale of The Bachelor. Robin said that if it can't beat The Bachelor, that's not good. Gary said he hasn't watched the show since the beginning of the third season. Robin said that maybe it was Martha's Apprentice that ruined it for Trump.
Howard said that Gilbert put out this DVD after Artie talked him into to doing it. That led to Gilbert doing his impression of Artie telling him how to go about getting the DVD out. He was also saying that it was the most degrading thing to get advice from Artie. Artie was laughing his ass off as he heard Gilbert goofing on him. Howard figured that Gilbert wanted to get in on some of that action but it must have turned into a big mistake. Gilbert said that he has been selling some DVDs after getting more advice from Artie.
Howard said that Gilbert has bad timing because he put the DVD out shortly before they moved to satellite where they don't have much of an audience. Gilbert admitted it was bad timing because the show could finally do something for him and then they move somewhere that they have a tenth of the audience they once had.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's gone to therapy for all of this stuff. Gilbert said he sometimes calls Artie and he gets some advice to feel better about himself. Howard gave him some more plugs for his web site and talked about the blog that Gilbert is now writing. He even wrote up a story about going to Howard's birthday party back in January. Howard said he was kind of surprised that he was even invited. He also said that Gilbert was very nervous up in front of everyone and made a speech. Howard said that Gilbert was telling his parents that they were too Jewish during his speech.
Gary came in and said that he had some audio of Gilbert's speech at the Birthday Party. Gilbert got up after Artie introduced him. Gilbert couldn't believe that he had to follow Artie. Then he was talking about how he knows how he'll be treated 20 years from now when Howard will be goofing on him. Gilbert's act wasn't going over very well until he saw Howard's parents and asked how Howard can call himself half Jewish when both of them look so Jewish. He wrapped up his speech a short time later and said he was there for the free food so he had to get off stage. Howard figured that Gilbert was going nowhere so that's why he turned to his parents.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Gilbert was working at a Rocky Horror Picture Show for a week or so as an announcer. She said that she was working at the theater and went up to him and said that she loves him and wants to marry him. She claims that Gilbert asked for her number after that and he used to flirt with her. She thought he was just a sweet guy because she was only 20 and didn't know better. A couple of weeks later Gilbert called her while she was out to eat and asked when she was going to be alone so he could call her back. Howard figured he wanted to jerk off to her voice.
The woman said that she blew him off for a couple of weeks but all she could think about was how he could help her career. She said that if he had asked to take her out for a cup of coffee out in public, she may have gone out with him. She claims that he wanted to come over to her place but that wasn't possible at the time. She said that he eventually tried to have some phone sex with her but she got freaked out by that. Gilbert says that he doesn't remember this girl at all. Howard thinks that this is a common occurrence with Gilbert and if he would just take the girl out a little bit, maybe he could get some dates.
Howard said that if the girl is hot you'd think that Gilbert would be seen in public with her. She said that she's not fat or anything. She's a dancer who is 5'9'' tall and 125 pounds. She was complaining about how late he would call her. Gary said that he heard that she had another story about someone who worked on the show. Howard didn't want to hear that story because it was all hearsay.
Howard moved on to Wendy the Retard who thought that Gilbert was there with Yago the parrot. Gilbert played along and asked Wendy if she wanted his big parrot dick inside her. Wendy said that she did and said yes to every question he asked. Gilbert asked if she would blow him and she said yes. She also said that she would 69 him.
Howard asked Wendy what she weighs. She said she's almost 200 pounds. She also said that she has been with a bird before and she would go down on Gilbert. Howard asked her if she would stuff the whole bird inside of her if she was with him. Gilbert said that the Yago character was in the movie ''Aladdin'' but it might not be after this. He figures that Rich Little will have to fill in for him to play that part after this appearance.
Gilbert asked Wendy if Artie was the worst person to ask for business advice. She said yes to that. Howard asked her when she last had a bowel movement and wiped herself. She said it was last night. He also asked her if she has ever named her movements. She said she has and she named one and she named it 'Artie.' Gilbert asked her if her bowel movements were smarter than Artie when it came to business advice. Of course she said yes so Artie asked her if she thinks her bowel movements would outsell Gilbert's DVDs if they could create their own DVD. Yes, of course. Howard wrapped up with Wendy and went to break before bringing in Red Peters.
Red said that he was going to perform the song 'Blow Me, You Hardly Even Know Me' that hasn't been performed in a while. Howard played a music bed and let Red sing along to it. Red said that the song was written back in 1984. He dedicated the song to Les (Moonves) and Joel (Hollander). Gilbert started laughing as soon as he heard Red singing. Red had everyone singing along a little bit. Howard told Red that he's fantastic live but people really need to see the look of discomfort on Gilbert's face as he was sitting next to him.
Howard asked Red what he thinks about this whole SIRIUS thing because they can give him his own show. Red said that he never thought that they'd have this much freedom of speech and he's still waiting for the cops to break down his door and arrest him.
Red said that his show tonight will have a wide variety of songs. He said that he'll have one set of songs that are all about blow jobs. He'll be playing the one he just performed among a bunch of others. Red said that listeners will send in suggestions for songs so he'll do some research on some of them so he's almost like an anthropologist of dirty songs.
Red said that he really does depend on the listeners to help him out with the show. He will also play songs from big names too. Howard gave Red a plug for Red's show which airs tonight at 8pm on Howard 100. He also played some of Red's song ''Can't Say These Things.'' That song used to open up the Howard 100 News program. Howard asked Red if the key to a song like that is good production. Red said that is the key and it was Bob Gay on sax. The guys goofed on that poor guy's name a little bit.
Howard asked Red to pick another song to play so he picked 'The Spelling Song.' Howard also gave him some plugs for his CDs ''I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies'' and ''Ol' Blue Balls Is Back.''
Red told Howard that since he was last on the show he's gotten divorced, had a heart attack and skin cancer. Howard said that news was more depressing than the time that Gilbert was in the hospital. He asked Red if he's dating at all. Red said that the divorce isn't final yet so he's waiting. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all. Howard played his Spelling Song and Red said that the song will actually air on some radio stations around the country if they bleep out the 'F' in the 'F U C K'' part of the song. He said it just showed up on a station out in Oklahoma so Artie said that they apparently just play it in areas where they can't spell.
Howard wrapped up with Red but Red told Artie that the Yankees suck before leaving. Red is from Boston so that's where that came from. Howard went to break a short time later.
Jon Hein from The Wrap Up Show mentioned some of the stuff they were going to be talking about today on that show. He said that Gilbert has logged the most appearances on Howard's show out of anyone else out there. They'll be talking about that and some of his more memorable moments on the show. Gilbert said that he didn't know that he was on that much. Jon said that they'll be talking about Red Peters' appearance today as well.
Gilbert asked what the number was for his appearances but no one was sure exactly how many it was. Gary said that they tried to count them up before they left K-Rock and it was a close call between Gilbert and Joan Rivers but Gilbert came out ahead. Howard said he's got to keep a closer eye on who they book for the show because Gilbert has been on too much. That led to Howard talking about how he found out that Gilbert was 51 years old but he thought he was much older than that. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard about the problems he's had with his SIRIUS radio reception. The caller said that he has problems getting a signal and has to move his antenna around. He was also saying that Howard never takes the negative calls about that stuff but Howard said he'll take them no problem. He said he's sorry that he's having a problem getting reception but SIRIUS has to work on getting an infrastructure in place so they can get the signal to areas where it doesn't come in.
Howard started to wrap up the show around 10:40am after giving Gilbert a few more plugs for his stuff. Gilbert said that he's going to be appearing out in Montana and Georgia soon so Howard was kind of surprised by that because he hardly ever leaves New York. Check out GilbertGottfried.com for more information.
Howard said that he's kind of disappointed that Dave Chappelle didn't call in or show up today like he said he would. Yesterday Dave was right around the corner from the studio but Howard had to leave right around 10 so he couldn't stick around and wait for Dave. He did a commercial for Dave's new movie as he was ending the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show wondering where to begin. He said he hasn't gotten much sleep because of this lawsuit that CBS filed against him. He said that all hell is breaking loose right now and it's only day one after the suit. He said that the wave of news reports that are coming out all seem to understand that this whole thing is ridiculous.
Howard said that he told Les Moonves that he's going to be the laughing stock of the industry and the articles that are coming out are all saying that this is a personal vendetta. He went on to say that Les is a programmer and not a CEO and this suit proves it.
Howard picked up a call from a guy who said he doesn't want him talking about this stuff all morning. Howard said he had a lot of audio clips to play about this lawsuit but if he says he shouldn't, he'll drop it. Howard said that Nick was going to have his way and the subject would be dropped. Then there was another caller who said he wanted an update. Howard decided to stick with his instincts and just talk about it.
Howard said that Joel Hollander is a very embarrassed man right now. Les and a certain attorney at CBS Radio have it in for him for some reason and they decided to go sue him. Howard believes that they are bullying him and Les is probably thinking that there is no down side to this suit. The guy is a bully who takes pleasure in other people's misery. Howard said Les is supposed to be running the radio division but all he wants to concentrate on is suing him.
Howard seems to think that Les is doing this to take attention off of his failures. He said that just about every news report is pointing out that this was a bad move and it's hilarious because it's all backfiring on Les. Howard remembers the days when he was being beat up in high school and how he used to stay home where he learned to play Chess. That taught him how to learn to play six steps ahead. That's why he doesn't act without thinking ahead. Les Moonves appears not to do that and only acts without thinking ahead.
Howard said that he told Les that he was making a mistake and he wasn't thinking 2 moves ahead, never mind six steps ahead. Howard went on to thank everyone who is coming out of the woodwork and talking about how wrong Les is for filing this suit.
Howard said that he was reading the SternFanNetwork and wondered if Les knows that a lot of his fans are working at the restaurants he goes to. His fans are very loyal to him.
Howard said that even Jack Thompson, a lawyer who filed many complaints against his show, is defending him and attacking CBS over this lawsuit. Thompson even thinks that they're wrong in this case. Howard read an article that Thompson wrote and he goes on and on and on about how wrong CBS is. He wants to put that article up on his web site so people can read that. There was another person who said that Howard should have a case against CBS now that they've filed this suit.
Howard said that ever since this suit came out, there has been a spike in SIRIUS radio sales... and Les is a subscriber himself. He also went off on Joel Hollander who appointed his brother to help run the company. He thinks that Les doesn't give a crap about the radio division and they will go down like you wouldn't believe. He said the radio division is already going down the tubes but Les decided to rename the company CBS Radio so CBS will be known as the company that loses money. He said that was a great business move on Les' part.
Howard said that he doesn't know anything about the stock market but he has seen charts on Yahoo! that show a downward trend for their stock. He thinks that Les has made a classic blunder and there's an article out that says this could be the end of Les' career.
Howard said that his lawyer has advised him not to talk about his plans but he let everyone know that he's going to follow through on this in every way he can. His lawyer told him to have fun with this because those guys put him right back in the spotlight. He said he still has the ability to go out and speak out about these guys. He's not going to be shut up.
Howard says that Les thought that he was an easy target but he's not going to be quiet about this. He said that there's no way he's going to remain silent while someone is calling him a crook and a fraud. He played another clip where Judge Napolitano talks about how Howard has a case against CBS now that they've filed this suit. He said that he hopes to see Howard counter sue them for damaging him.
Howard said that he delivered the goods for those guys when he was working for them and they came through with nothing for him. He said that Les has flown under the radar for a long time and this is going to show what a bully and a torturer he really is. He's not going to remain silent while they're telling people that he's a thief.
In another audio clip a couple of reporters talked about how CBS has no case against Howard. He interrupted that clip and said that this bully Les Moonves is the one who should be the one feels bullied now. He talked about how Les' CBS Radio division has record ratings drops and he should be more worried about that than putting himself into a remake of ''Networking.'' Howard played more audio of the Keith Olbermann and another guy talking about the ridiculous case.
Howard said that if he was boring people in the audience, he was sorry but he had to play these audio clips. He wants people to hear the reports. If it's torturing people, he feels bad but he has to gloat about what people are saying about the case and how wrong it is. He said the question now is what to do with these guys. Robin told Howard he can't just let them slither away and they should be forced to go to court in a counter suit.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the whining has to stop. He thought that Howard had been sued a lot in his career but Howard told him that's not the case. He has to fight back because his integrity is all he has. The caller said that anyone who knows Howard knows that he's an honest guy. He said he wants Howard to get back to being funny. Howard told him to please bare with him until he can get this all sorted out. Les did this to distract him and it worked. He told the caller that he has to hire high priced lawyers to fight this battle.
Howard said he got a letter from a friend who is a producer in TV who wished him well against these guys. The guy said that those guys always go after talent and it's just wrong. He found the letter and read it without giving out the guy's name.
Gary came in and told the caller that they have a lot of great stuff coming up on today's show and this part won't take up the entire show. Howard played an audio clip of Jack Thompson, the guy who helped get Howard kicked off of some radio stations, defending Howard. Thompson pointed out that CBS has no case and said that they even helped him promote his move to SIRIUS by putting him on David Letterman's show and on 60 Minutes, both CBS shows. Lloyd Grove was also on the show defending Howard saying that CBS may be trying to take attention away from their ratings loss on their radio stations.
Howard said that he feels bad for the guys who replaced him on the stations he left. He said that Les is now a ''dead man walking'' because the stations are just crashing and burning. He said that Les will take the fall and then the talent who replaced him will probably get fired. David Lee Roth, Rover, Adam Carolla, they're all on the chopping block.
Jack Thompson said that he knows that CBS has the ability to dump out of anything that they didn't want Howard talking about on the air but they didn't do it. Donny Deutsch said that they could have pulled Howard off the air at any time during that 14 months but they didn't bother. Jack Thompson said that this case is an obvious personal vendetta against Howard Stern.
Jack Thompson named names of the legal team over at CBS and said that they're a bunch of idiots over there. Howard didn't play the tape of him mentioning the names but Jack had to deal with them when he was trying to get Howard off the air and he knows from personal experience what a bunch of idiots they are.
Howard read through a bunch of articles and couldn't find exactly what he was looking for with the Jack Thompson stuff. He played another tape from Neal Cavuto's show where he was interviewing Gene Simmons of all people about this. Gene said that he doesn't believe that CBS has a case against Howard and Howard will win. Gene said that he's a big fan of Moonves' but he's also a big fan of Howard's.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to go ahead and just keep talking about this stuff because he knows he has to get it off his chest. Howard said that he'll keep this to an hour of the show and then drop it. If the other people don't want to listen, they can go listen to ''testicle radio.'' Robin pointed out that Citadel Broadcasting dropped the show because they didn't like Howard talking about SIRIUS on the air. That's what CBS should have done if they didn't like it. Howard said the whole thing is crazy.
Howard said that he's upset about all of this and it's just an attempt by Les to rain on his parade. He's not just a jerk who isn't going to comment on this case. He has to defend himself and that's what he's going to do. Howard said that if he doesn't go public with this stuff, they're just going to wear him down. It's obviously personal and not ''just business'' as Les apparently told Howard in a meeting they had.
Howard said that he heard that CBS is threatening to reveal what he was paid while he was over there. Howard said that he's got nothing to hide right now so he invited them to go right ahead and do that. Howard went on to talk about a thread he was reading about Les Moonves over at SternFanNetwork.com yesterday. They went off on Les and his wife in the thread. Howard said he didn't want to get into the stuff about his wife though.
Howard said that Les isn't commenting about this lawsuit but he did say that he's sure that Howard will be talking about it but not that many people will hear it. Howard said that more people will hear him on SIRIUS than would hear him on FreeFM (or Free From Listeners FM as someone called it) that has next to zero listeners now.
Howard said that the fans are pissed about this case and they're ready to go to war. There was one person who wrote in and said that maybe Les owns shares of SIRIUS and he's doing all of this to drive up the price of the stock. Howard said he was done venting for now, he had gone for an hour or so.
Gary came in and said that they were almost forgotten about in some radio industry news magazines but now they're all over it again thanks to CBS. Howard said that it's possible that FreeFM has zero listeners. Robin thinks that Les has lit a fire that will eventually reach him and take him down. Howard said that Les and Joel are probably freaking out that he's talking about them, but that's too bad.
Howard said that he thinks Les has no idea what's going on with the radio division and he doesn't put an ounce of thought into it. A phone caller told Howard not to stop talking about this stuff and just keep going with it. The caller said that he's actually being sued by a woman he dated who was an astrologer. Howard asked him why he'd go out with an astrologer. The guy said that she lived close by. She's saying that he harassed her by making a snide remark to her and that's why she's suing him. Howard said there's really no where this guy can go to get away from a ridiculous suit like that. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Lisa G from Howard 100 News come in to talk about what they had coming up on Howard 100 News today. She asked Howard how he's doing so he spent a minute talking about how it's a bummer but he's got to fight back. Lisa said that she's probably the newest fan there but she's seen the way Howard treats people and the way he does business and he seems to be very honest. She also said that they'll be talking about Bubba the Love Sponge who is in a legal battle of his own against Clear Channel. They aren't letting him talk about what went on when he was working for them.
Lisa said that they'll also be talking to the Stern Fan who made death threats against Chaunce Hayden. Howard said that he doesn't want to talk about that but he doesn't think that the threats were all that serious. He agrees that you can't make threats though.
Lisa said they'll be talking to Bruce Vallanch so Howard asked how that's Howard-centric. Lisa said something about it having to do with the Oscars but Howard wants them to stick to stuff about him and his show. Lisa told Howard she's working on another story about Artie and the vending machine. Howard said he heard that they're going to be adding the double row of Artie's favorite things in the machine. Artie said they brought him a whole box of Devil Dogs yesterday. They were almost completely wiped out already. Howard sounded like he was amazed that he went through that whole box already.
Howard took a call from Gene Simmons (Craig Gass) who said that the whole Kiss Army supports the show. Howard told Craig to go back to bed and call back with a better Gene when he wakes up a little more. His impression was a little too high pitched according to Howard.
Howard let Lisa G go after she said that they have a story about Dogs and Cats and who likes what on the staff. Gary said there's a funny revelation in that one because Jason admits to having gone to his girlfriend's cat's birthday party.
Howard took some phone calls after that. A couple of guys brought up his lawsuit again so he spent a few more minutes on that. Howard said that their next move will probably be to try and shut him up but he's not going to stop. He had to take another break after that.
Howard read that WBCN up in Boston dropped to 12th place after David Lee Roth replaced Howard up there. They were number one last Fall when Howard was still on up there. Howard knows that Roth will take the fall for that and they won't allow him to try and get listeners back.
Gary said that WCKG out in Chicago just came in with a 0.2 rating which means that they could possibly have zero listeners based on the margin of error they give for ratings. The guys goofed on that for a short time and then Gary said that down in Philly, WYSP went from first to 20th place when Roth took over. He didn't have exact ratings numbers but knew that the station had dropped to 20th place.
Howard read some more articles about the lawsuit. He said that one article said that this could be the undoing of Les Moonves. He claims that he warned Les that this could happen if he went ahead with the lawsuit. He also said he loves that they renamed the radio division CBS Radio right before all of this went down. Now CBS' name is out there as a failing company because of that.
Howard said that he was fined for much less than that and wondered how they get away with that stuff. IN another clip the doctor talked about G-spot fluid and how a lot of women can't let go because they think they're peeing the bed. Robin said that they could never have a conversation like that on their old radio show. Tom Chiusano would have hit the button 19 times on that clip if they tried to play it back then.
Howard said that they have some great shows coming up on Howard Stern On Demand in a couple of weeks. They have a bunch of the women trying out the Sybian, Drunken Henry Hill and a lot of other stuff. The new stuff starts airing on March 15th. Howard said that it's a pretty exciting time for them even though he's got this lawsuit going on.
Howard read some mail about Anna Benson who was on the show the other day. Some people wanted her off the air because she was such a bore. Some people liked the way Artie was antagonizing her during her interview. Some people don't want her on the show ever again because she's such a bitch.
Someone wrote in and asked where Elliot Offen is. Howard said that Elliot is on his way there this morning so he'll be in later today. A bunch of people enjoyed ''The Better Half Show'' that aired earlier this week. Howard read some of the feedback about that show. One guy told Artie not to let Dana get away from him because he may never find another woman who loves him as much as she does. There was some negative feedback about the show too. One person thought that Jon Hein blew the show by not getting into the good stuff with the people on the show. Some people want to hear more of that show.
Howard said he was watching a little bit of ''Skating with the Stars'' last night and now he's thinking he may start watching it. He said that Kristy Swanson and her partner look like they're just about having sex on the show. The guy actually left his pregnant wife to be with Kristy.
Howard said that he can't believe the songs that the contestants are singing on American Idol. They're singing old Kenny Rogers and Commodores songs. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the show and how awful Paula is on the show. That led to Howard talking about car commercials because there was one on last night where the car was driving through snow and doing crazy things. He said that must be the way to sell cars by having them doing illegal things.
Howard said that there was a funny story about Artie that came out yesterday on the Wrap Up show. Artie had told Howard that he took a ring with him when he went on vacation with Dana over their winter vacation. Yesterday he revealed that he didn't actually have a ring, it was just the diamond. He said that he went to a guy who he knows and got the diamond that he was going to show to Dana before committing to having it mounted. Artie said that he'll do it the right way next time if he wants to ask Dana to marry him.
Howard read more letters about the CBS lawsuit and that got him back on that subject. He read an excerpt from their logs about the show where Les and Joel came on the show and talked about how they both told Howard he did a great job working there. Robin said that they can play that tape in court if they have to.
Howard brought in Mr. Skin from MrSkin.com after that call. He said that MrSkin.com is a great web site where you can see clips and pictures from just about any movie that has a naked woman in it.
Howard asked Mr. Skin about his Anatomy Awards which are like his own Academy Awards. Mr. Skin was about to get into it but Howard asked him if nudity is coming back to movies now. Mr. Skin is hoping that's the case. Artie let them know that there's a great scene in ''Beer League'' where there are some great titty shots. None of them are famous though. Artie said that the only famous tits you see are his... and those aren't even bare, they're in a guinea t-shirt.
Howard asked if they're showing any nude guys on MrSkin.com. Mr. Skin said that they don't do that, they only show the women. Sometimes a dude's ass may show up in a sex scene or something but they don't go out of their way to show dudes.
Howard asked Mr. Skin to name a mainstream movie where you can see a famous chick nude. Mr. Skin said he has to see the movie ''Havoc'' because Anne Hathaway has some amazing nude scenes. The guys put up a picture of her on Howard's screen and he said that she looks great. Mr. Skin said that this is a must see movie for fans of Anne's.
Mr. Skin said that he never wanted to get caught up in the paparazzi pictures of celebrities boobs popping out so you won't find any pictures of Lindsay Lohan's boob popping out on the site. Mr. Skin is now 43 years old and has two kids. He said he will still beat off to his own web site but he will also use porn. He said there are some ''jerk-worthy'' clips on his web site that he uses.
Howard moved on to the MrSkin.com 7th Annual Anatomy Awards. Here are some of the categories and the winners according to Mr. Skin.
A listener called in and said that he found a movie called ''Domino'' with Keira Knightly that had a great sex scene in it. Mr. Skin said that she's been naked in 3 movies so far but she didn't win this year. Howard asked Mr. Skin who looked the worst nude. He said that Tatum O'Neil in a movie from years ago was the worst in his opinion.
Howard said ''Thank god for you... '' to Mr. Skin because no one else does this kind of thing for people. Fred asked Mr. Skin who has the best breasts in his opinion. He said that he's never seen Jennifer Love Hewitt's but he figures her's have to be pretty good. There's also a new Bond Girl (Eva Green) that Fred asked about. Mr. Skin said that you can see her topless in a movie from 2003 and she looks great according to Mr. Skin.
Howard asked Mr. Skin what he tells his kids teachers he does for a living. He said that he hasn't had to do that yet because his kids are too young right now. He has a couple of years to work on an explanation.
Gary came in and told Howard that he goes to MrSkin.com and checks out the women on new shows that he watches. He said when ''Lost'' started he checked all of the women on there but none of the girls he wanted to see nude never did any news scenes. Mr. Skin said they have a new feature called The Wheel of Babes where they'll pick a girl for you to check out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's a great scene with Angelina Jolie and Ethan Hawke but he couldn't remember the name of the movie. Mr. Skin said it's called ''Taking Lives'' and there's really no good nude scenes in it. Mr. Skin now has 43 people working for him at MrSkin.com and he's very happy that he can do this for a living. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to break.
Elliot corrected Howard about his pronunciation of his last name as he does every time he's on the show. He also told Robin that she has a ''cunt face.'' Howard asked Elliot what was wrong with his knee because it was wrapped up in bandages. Elliot said that he was showing off his legs.
Elliot wouldn't let Howard speak about the tragedy they were about to talk about. He wanted to make the first comment or else he would just leave. Elliot told Howard that he likes him for putting him on TV and radio. He told Howard not to interrupt him or he'd walk right the fuck out. Gary said that they had a deal in place and if Elliot walks out, that deal is out the window.
Elliot finally said that he wants to find out why Howard was thrown out of the house by his ex-wife. He then talked about the CBS lawsuit and asked Howard what's going on with him and said that the next thing will be Howard going into an old person's home.
Howard said that Elliot killed a woman in a car accident but Elliot kept telling Howard that CBS took his radio contract away from him and he's a mess right now. Howard called Elliot a loser as he and Robin were going at each other. Elliot kept using his ''cunt face'' comment over and over again. Robin was trying to talk to him but he wasn't listening, he was just yelling over all of their comments.
Howard told Elliot that he's a loser but he wanted to know what happened when he ran over this woman who eventually died from her injuries. Elliot kept changing the subject to Howard's lawsuit where he called Howard a fucking scum bag. Howard told him to get the fuck out of there and he was gone.
Mike Piazza from Howard 100 News was in to talk to Elliot but Elliot didn't let anyone get a word in. Howard said that the guy has to be the best guest ever. Gary came in and said that he had a deal with Elliot. He said that he just wanted to talk about his video tape and promote that. Howard said that the guy was very defensive assuming that he was going to attack him. He said that Elliot chose to talk about his divorce and about the CBS lawsuit instead. CBS should be comforted now because Elliot is on their side.
Howard said that he was going to listen to what Elliot had to say about this accident he had but he didn't even get there. Gary said that he's in a spot now because Elliot was supposed to come back in 3 weeks to plug his stuff again. Howard told him that they're not going to book him until he talks about this accident of his. He said he has to keep up his end of the bargain or the deal is off.
Mike Piazza said that he has an update about that accident and there are four witnesses. None of them are talking right now and none of the attorneys that were working with Elliot are even admitting that they worked with him. Right now there are no charges against Elliot but there are some pending lawsuits for wrongful death.
Howard said that Elliot obviously thought that he was going to attack him but that wasn't the case. Mike said that there are a lot of questions about the accident and it is possible that it was just an accident. Robin said that they haven't proven it either way yet. Howard said that may have been the last they see of Elliot but who knows...
Howard said he could have come in and just said that it was a bad day and he had an accident and he could have been out of there. He didn't have to freak out and yell at everyone the way he did. Howard also wondered if Les Moonves is comforted now that he knows that Elliot Offen is backing up his lawsuit.
Howard and Mike spent a couple of minutes discussing the lawsuit and what Les Moonves seems to be doing. Howard said that he's going to keep talking about this stuff and how they seem to be running the CBS Radio division into the ground. Les will try not to take the fall for this whole thing because he never does.
Ralph called in and said that it's enough of Elliot Offen already. He had no right to come in and call Robin the C-word. Howard agreed. Ralph also said that he feels really bad for Howard about the whole lawsuit thing. He said that Howard built up a whole industry for that company and this is the way they're treating him. Howard and Ralph spent a short time talking about all of the press that's coming out about the case and what a bad idea this was for Les Moonves.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who thinks that CBS is doing this all for a different reason. They recently took a charge down of $9 billion and they probably had this plan all along. They may be using this as a plan to defend themselves in the future against FCC fines. They'll just say that it wasn't their company that had indecent broadcasts, it was Howard Stern who was doing them. Howard said that Dominic is putting too much thought into this and they're not that smart over there.
Dominic thinks that this is the best thing that could happen for Howard right now. They're selling radios for him now. Howard said that's absolutely what's happening and he was just thinking about how they were kind of falling out of the public eye over the past few weeks. Now they're right back on the cover of the newspaper and SIRIUS radio sales have spiked up once again.
Howard thinks that Sumner Redstone, the head of Viacom, is just letting Les Moonves run things and he's not even aware of what's going on. Howard played some audio from some news programs for Dominic so he could comment on them. They spent a couple more minutes talking about all of that stuff.
Howard said that if CBS has just left them alone on satellite radio, they would have just disappeared from the public eye. Fred asked Howard if the guys at CBS ever asked him what was going on with him when he made the deal with SIRIUS. Howard said that Joel called him into a meeting and asked him not to talk about SIRIUS. Then Howard talked to him about it and they agreed to let him talk about it if he didn't say the word ''SIRIUS.'' Howard said that he would call it ''Eh, eh, ehhh'' instead and Joel was fine with that. Howard claims that Joel said it was even funny when he referred to it that way. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard heard that Sal and Richard both crapped their pants this morning. Richard said he went a week without eating solid food because he had a tooth pulled last week, so when he farted this morning, he crapped his pants. Sal did the same thing about an hour and a half later. Sal came in and told Howard that he let out a long fart this morning and then he felt that his cheeks were wet. Howard didn't believe that and asked to see their underpants. They both whipped down their pants and showed Howard what they had.
Howard said that Richard really did it and saw the mess in his underwear. Sal said that he really did crap himself but it didn't get all over his underwear like Richard's did.
A listener called in and told Howard that Red Peters' show was great last night. Howard said he thinks they're going to repeat that show over the weekend but he doesn't have the schedule. Another caller told Howard that his show is going great. He also got Howard talking about Les Moonves again. The caller also asked Artie what happened to Norm Macdonald. Artie said that he's on the road doing stand-up comedy again.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and went off on Les Moonves for a short time. Another caller told Howard he will never listen to free radio again because it sucks. Howard said that's the best thing he could have told him. He said that not listening to free radio is the best payback the fans can give him. He was also thanking all of the people out there who have been contacting him and giving him news on those guys. He's a warrior and he's six moves ahead of them.
Howard had Mike move on to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard asked Artie if he would ever join that group. Artie said he would like to lose the weight but he was just pissed that George emptied the vending machine to do this report. He didn't have Pop-Tarts for the past two days because of George. George told him the food was there for him to eat if he wants. He was also saying that Artie and Benjy are perfect candidates for his weight loss program.
George said that he weighed 262 pounds at one point and now he's down to 167 and he plans on keeping it low. He said he's got a bunch of people in his weight loss group. Howard said that they should hold those meetings on Howard 100 live so the fans can hear it. George said he's up for that.
Howard asked George to let them know what they had coming up at noon on Howard 100 News. He gave the rundown that Lisa G gave them earlier in the morning. There were a couple of other stories that he added to the list.
Jon Hein said that they'll be talking about Elliot Offen during today's Wrap Up show after Howard's show. The guys all thought that Elliot was great on the show today when he was freaking out. Jon said that Mr. Skin will also be sitting in with them. They'll also be talking to the Howard 100 News team about their experiences with Elliot Offen. Howard wrapped up with those guys and had Robin start her news. She did a quick news report so Howard was able to end the show around 10:40am.
Howard took another Friday off today. Jon Hein, Gary Dell'Abate and Ralph Cirella were filling in. Ralph started off bringing up how Gary was sick last week and didn't make it in. Gary said that he was really sick that day and couldn't have made it into work that day.
Sal and Richard were also sitting in doing their own thing. Gary said that those two were laughing their asses off in the opening of the show. Sal was playing some old lady porn clips during the Train performance. That led to them talking about Madison's opening ''The Friday Show'' song. Sal loves it but some of the other guys don't like it all that much.
After playing the clip Jon and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about what an idiot Tyra is. Ralph said he loved that Fred was playing dolphin sounds while they were playing the clip. Ralph said that JD should keep every one of her shows because it has to be canceled soon. Gary told him that it won't be canceled because it's actually a hit.
Jon took some phone calls and let some fans talk about what they thought about the Tyra Banks thing. One guy said that she should be mute because she sounds like an idiot talking about that stuff. Others were feeling the same way. One guy asked why Ralph is on the show and why people don't like him. Gary said that Ralph represents the listeners because he's home listening most of the time. Jon also said that Ralph has interesting opinions about the show and that's one way they mix it up on the air.
Gary and Ralph said that there hasn't been a more candid guest on the show than Jay. He really let loose on Robin Williams that morning. Jon said that he didn't like Jay on Mork and Mindy, he really thought it was horrible when he was on. Gary told a story about how they had Robin Williams on the show one time and he really stunk from what Jackie the Joke Man told him at the time. Jon went to break a short time after that.
After playing the clip the guys talked about Elliot and how annoying he can be. Gary thought that it was one of his best appearances yesterday though. Ralph said he thought that Elliot was very hard to talk to yesterday and it came across very annoying. Gary said that he's either the greatest comedian since Andy Kauffman or he's completely mental.
A phone caller said that he saw pictures of Elliot on HowardStern.com and wondered if they were scared of him when he was in there. Gary said he's not scared of him at all. Ralph said he would be if he was there. The phone caller said that Ralph is half a fag anyway and he could see him being afraid of him.
Another caller loves Elliot when he's on the show and hopes that they keep him on. Jon said that Elliot also tried to get out of the studio and went to the wrong door so it didn't open. He was trying to make a grand exit and it didn't work.
In the clip you hear Howard and Fred doing their gay voices and talking about some gay sex toys. Howard then gets Gary Sandy on the phone and seemed to catch him off guard. He had no idea who he was actually talking to so Howard told him he was ''Out of the Closet Stern.'' Sandy found it hard to believe that they get away with that stuff. Howard told Sandy that he was a great actor and asked him if he was making a lot of money from the syndication of the show. Sandy said that wasn't the case. He said that the actors didn't make the money back then.
Howard asked Sandy if he dated Lonnie Anderson and found out that he did. Sandy got kind of uncomfortable with the line of questioning about Lonnie so Howard had to get back to his career. They spoke to him for a couple of minutes and almost lost him when they started to get into the sex questions. Howard and Fred, still in their gay characters, got back to their gay sex toy discussion after the Gary Sandy interview.
After playing the classic clip Gary said that it was funny that Gary Sandy started to play along but he ended up getting pissed for a short time. The guy tried to hang in there even though it was tough. Gary told another story about booking a guest to do something similar to that and the actor ended up getting really pissed. He also tried to book Spanky Macfarland to do the show but the other guy had told him about what went on with him and Spanky refused to do it.
Jon took a call from a guy who told the guys they're doing a great job. He then asked the guys if they could replay the show at night a little earlier than they do now. He asked if they could play it about an hour or two earlier instead of playing it at 9pm. Gary said he'd ask.
Gary said that when Grandpa Al Lewis used to do the show on WNBC, he would play along with the gay stuff a little too well and they actually thought that he was gay because of that. Jon took a call from a woman who said that Gary's memory is amazing when it comes to some of this stuff. Ralph said that it really is amazing because he remembers the littlest details and it can get you into some trouble. The caller said that she loved hearing the replay of the WNBC stuff. She also said that she wanted to come in and play Stump the Booey against Gary. Gary told her that they're going to have a contest where she can win $10,000 if she beats him but if she loses, she has to ride the Sybian. She wasn't sure she wanted to do that but did ask to be put on the wait list.
They played another clip from Robin's news where Fred was playing a ton of sound effects right on cue and it was pretty amazing to watch according to Jon. Ralph said that it's amazing that Howard can work through that and not get distracted by the audio clips. Gary said that Fred dropping in those sound effects is just as great as a good joke being thrown in. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Ralph said that he loves these meetings because Artie looks like he's about to fall asleep but then he'll wake up with a really funny line. Sal said he loves how Jason laughs his ass off the whole time during those meetings. He laughs at everything that Howard says. Richard said that Sal gets upset when he can't sit close to Howard. Jon said it seems like there are almost assigned seats in that meeting but they're unofficial. Gary said that's absolutely the case and people like to sit in certain spots. Sal can never get close enough.
Will came in and said that it is weird how the seating goes in the meeting. Sal said that they really need to put a microphone on Fred in those meetings because he's constantly making noise and comments the whole time. The guys said that Robin is now taking part in the meetings and she never did that before. Gary said that it can slow the meetings down when they have so many people in there.
The guys were also talking about some of the wacky ideas that Benjy comes up with in the meetings. Richard said he loves that because it makes him laugh when he comes up with a completely crazy idea.
Gary talked about how great Tabitha has been on the show because she has taken the place of Kendra Jade who used to sleep with the fans when they needed her to. Tabitha has taken over with no problem. Jon said that he was amazed that Tabitha remembered almost everyone's name when they were brought up during that segment. Jon played some audio from Tabitha's ''This Is Your Sex Life'' segment where she had to guess who the people were.
Ralph said that Jeff was great when he was yelling because he was kind of coherent but not really. Gary said that Howard pointed at him to get Jeff out of the studio because he was so out of control yelling at Tabitha about how she didn't lube him up enough when they had sex.
A phone caller asked the guys to play a Baba Booey Song of the Week where they could pick some new song parodies. Sal played a new one that was to the tune of Guns 'N Roses ''Paradise City'' that he and Richard did. Gary said that you usually don't get to hear more than 20 seconds of those songs. Ralph said that they go at it so much that it becomes unfunny. He said he really loves the Baba Booey Star Wars theme parody the best. Sal played that one as they were going to break.
Jon played another clip from a recent show where Howard played some of the WNBC jingles that they used to play on the old radio station.
After playing that segment Jon asked Gary if it was as bad at WNBC as Howard made it out to be. Gary said he came in toward the end of Howard's run over there so he missed a lot of the Pig Virus stuff and they were actually having some fun when he got there. Gary said that they have some audio of Howard doing an interview with Gilda Radner back there and the most interesting thing is hearing Howard talking about how excited he was that he might get on the Uncle Floyd show. Now he can go on Letterman or Leno whenever he wants.
Gary said that it's interesting how Howard is admitting to getting emotional these days because in the past he would brag about how he never cried. The guys talked about how things seem to have changed with him over the past couple of years.
A phone caller was saying that he's heard a couple of people using Gary's ''Hello, hello!'' line lately. There was another caller who asked if they've been getting calls from Hate Man lately. Gary said that he must not have their new phone number because he's not calling yet. Jon had to go to break right after that.
Jason was brought up during that discussion. He's going to be on Meet the Shrink on Monday night so he talked about how he got roped into doing that after Jeff the Vomit Guy didn't show up. He said that he talked about a bunch of the problems he's been having lately. He said that he has issues with his mother that he doesn't want to air on that show even though it was discussed during the therapy session. Jim McClure who produced the segment came in and said that there were a bunch of staffers who were passing him notes to pass to the shrink. They were all hiding so Jason wouldn't see them.
Jason said that he feels better after going through the session but he thought that she was kind of strange. Will said that he heard a lot of Jason's interview and it would be great if he really got into the stuff that he has problems with. Gary said that he has problems with his mother too so they share stories with each other.
Jon played the clip where Howard was playing the part of a black man who was about to interview Sabrina. Sabrina came on and was a pretty good sport dealing with what Howard was doing. Howard was asking Sabrina to identify some people as being black or white as he showed her some pictures. Then he brought in his parents who were actually being played by Ted the Janitor and Janie the Cleaning Lady. Ted was trying to hook up with Sabrina. Howard also brought out a midget by the name of Kessler who was playing the part of his half brother. Howard's mother said that he was short because when the doctor spanked him, his legs fell off.
After playing that segment Gary said that he still talks to Janie who is still the cleaning lady over at WNBC. Gary also brought up this guy Kessler who was a black midget. He said that he eventually got sick of working with them and stopped coming on the show. There was no audience there at Channel 9 so the one person you'd hear laughing was Jackie the Joke Man. Gary also said that it would take like an hour to get Howard's make up off his face. Howard was miserable back then doing stuff like that.
Ralph said that he was just starting to get involved in the show back then and that's when he started to do Howard's styling and stuff. Gary said that Ralph used to mess with Howard's hair like crazy even when they were trying to move the show along.
A caller asked Gary how to go about sending in a CD for them and wondered what happened to it. Richard knew what the guy was talking about and said it was okay but they have really high standards there. That one just didn't make it. Richard said they get a ton of great stuff from the fans and they do play some of it. Jon had to go to break right after that.
Ralph said that he had the guys pull a clip from this week where Richard talked about the problems he's having with his teeth. Ralph thought that Richard had nice teeth until he heard this bit the other day. Gary said that Richard's parents both have false teeth and he would rather have them than be bothered brushing them. Richard said that his mother quit smoking and used Hubba Bubba gum to get over her addiction and ended up losing her teeth because of that.
Richard said that he used to only brush his teeth at night but now he does it in the morning and in the evening. He also used to skip brushing when he was on vacation or on the weekends. Gary told him that tartar doesn't take a vacation though. Ralph said that he may skip brushing on the weekends when he's out partying. Gary said that he's always found a way to get his brushed.
The guys played the clip where Richard talked about his 11 cavities and how he had to have his wisdom tooth pulled. After playing the clip the guys talked about how great Richard's father's voice is. Howard had played a voice mail that his dad left for him and they love hearing him talk.
Richard said that he has to have 3 root canals, 3 wisdom teeth pulled and 11 cavities filled. Gary told him that he should just get knocked out and get all three wisdom teeth pulled. That's what he did. Jon said that he had his out and woke up in the middle of it and saw blood all over the place. Richard said he'd like to get everything taken care of quickly but it just hasn't worked out that way.
Ralph said that Artie is a mess and it's almost like he's testing Dana out to see if she really does love him. Gary said that women really do have the ability to fall in love with guys who aren't that good looking while men don't have that ability. Sal said that's because women look at the bank account and men don't. He said that Dana would never look at Artie if he wasn't on Howard's show.
Ralph said that he kind of likes Artie's moustache because it breaks up his face a little bit. Jon said that was one thing but then the whole vending machine thing came up. Jon had Richard play that clip where Lisa G came in and talked to Howard and Artie about how much stuff Artie eats out of that machine.
Ralph said that Artie really must have a problem when he eats all of that crap. He's getting bigger and bigger and it's turning into a problem. Jon played another clip where they had Artie trying to tell them which numbers belonged to which items in the vending machine. Artie knew most of the numbers when Howard asked him.
Ralph finds it funny that the vending machine is Artie's main source of food instead of just a snack once in a while. Gary said that he heard that Artie used to dunk Devil Dogs into hot chocolate as a meal. Jon took a phone call from a guy who asked when Artie is going to make one of those ''take me back'' videos. Gary said that Artie seems to act like he doesn't care so it may never happen. The caller also asked if they have a Howard Stern fist sticker that he can put on his car. They don't exist so that probably won't happen either.
A caller asked Ralph about dating strippers. Ralph said that he really has good luck with strippers and Howard's dog is even named after one that he dated, Bianca. Jon had to go to another break after that.
Jon also mentioned some of the shows they have coming up next week. They have Jason on ''Meet the Shrink'' on Monday, the Wack Pack Show on Tuesday, Miserable Men returns next week as well and the usual Intern Show and Superfan Roundtable shows run on their nights. Then King of All Blacks returns with his own show on Friday night.
The guys spent a couple of minutes discussing last night's American Idol. Gary pulled some clips of Paula making some strange comments and acting very strange during the show. Gary said he was cracking up while watching the show last night.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary if he was going to have Jillian Barberie on the show now that she's lost to Kristy Swanson on Skating with the Stars. He called her ''pebble puss'' because she once said that some kids had shoved rocks in her pussy when she was a kid. Ralph thought that the pebble puss reference was pretty funny.
Jon took some more phone calls and some fans asked to hear certain clips from older shows. They can't play anything from K-Rock but they may be able to pull clips from some of the videos that Howard put out years ago. They talked about some of the old videos where Gary was dressed up as a gorilla and how funny that stuff was.
Ralph said that he loves that Artie didn't care about the guy's problems. He said that Artie seems to have hit his stride there at SIRIUS and he's so funny now. The guy is out of control and he loves it.
Gary said that there was another bit that Sal wrote called ''Colon Cowboy.'' Howard was going to play it but they never got around to it during the week. Howard told Gary to just play it on today's show instead. The song was kind of a tribute to ''Brokeback Mountain.'' Gary said they need to find a good time to play that during the show and they just didn't have that moment this week. Gary and Jon both said that they found it to be funny.
Richard had a song parody that he created that did get played when they first started there but Howard wondered what the hell it was. It was to the tune of Paul McCartney's ''Freedom'' song and no one got the reference. Gary said that Richard's voice is always funny. Jon agreed and said that he laughs at just about anything that Richard sings. Gary said that Richard really tries to sing those songs and he's not goofing around so that makes it even funnier. Gary said that it made them laugh but they figured no one would get the reference. Richard said that he loves to sing and that's why he likes to make those parodies. They had to go to break a short time after that.
Jon replayed some audio of Howard talking about his jizz tissues earlier this week. He explained how he had taken some Ambian and may have left his jizz tissues out on his night stand. A little later he asked Gary to run down to his apartment to make sure he didn't leave them out where the cleaning woman would find them.
The guys talked to Sal about how excited he seemed when there was a possibility that he could go up to Howard's apartment. Sal really wanted to go up there to look for the tissues. Gary said that the apartment isn't all that amazing, the guy is a normal guy. Sal said that those things are the things he wants to be part of and it's very exciting for him to even think about having the chance to get up there. Ralph said that maybe if he wasn't so excited about it, Howard might let him up there.
Gary said that Sal will try to read his and Howard's lips during commercial breaks to see if he likes the bits he's submitted. Gary said that Sal was all bummed out one day when he thought that Howard didn't like one of his bits. Gary said that they hadn't even discussed the bit during the break so his lip reading wasn't working.
Jon got back to the audio where Gary went over to his apartment and tried to find the tissues. After that Gary talked about how much mail they got about that segment. A lot of people were pissed that Howard made Gary do that. Gary said that he volunteered to do that so Howard didn't ''make'' him do it. Sal said that if he had found the jizz tissues, he would have taken them home, milked them and put the jizz into his wife so she could have Howard's baby. That led to Gary asking Sal if he has ever saved anything that Howard has thrown away. Sal said he once saved a container of strawberries that Howard left behind one day. He also saved a pita bread he gave him one time. Ralph said that he once saved a doodle that Howard drew of him on a flight because it was funny. Jon had to break once again after that.
Gary mentioned that he's coming out of appearance retirement and he'll be at the grand opening of the Baltimore Scores next Friday night. Jon mentioned a bunch of the shows that are coming up next week and then ended the show with some audio of JD's mumblings from that segment they had just played. Ralph had pulled them to show how little sense JD makes when he's talking. They ended the show around 10:25am.