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Howard was back live this morning after a week long vacation. Robin asked him to prove it so he made some whooping sounds which didn't do anything. Artie read the headline from the NY Post that said ''Cold feet, hot water.'' That led to Howard talking about the story under that headline. There was a woman who ended up running away shortly before her wedding and got in some hot water with the police because she faked a kidnapping. Howard talked about how FOX news was going off on the woman saying that she should be put in jail for doing all of this stuff even though they don't know anything about the woman. Howard said that if it was Rupert Murdoch's son who ran off like that, they wouldn't even talk about that on FOX news. Artie sadi that this woman was guilty of nothing but being very entertaining. Robin said the woman didn't seem to have much of a plan when she hopped on a bus to New Mexico. Howard said FOX did an interview with a local woman from her hometown who was saying that this woman should be electrocuted for what she did. The FOX reporters were agreeing with her from what Howard said. He thinks that whole outfit is just out of control. Howard said they're relentless over there. All of that other stuff made everyone forget about the Terry Schiavo case which is the way it should be according to Howard. He and Robin continued to talk about the wedding that this woman ran away from. They were supposed to have 600 guests and 14 bridesmaids which Robin seemed to think was pretty nuts.
Howard brought up the story of Mary Kay Letourneau who is marrying the young kid that she had sex with when she was his teacher. Howard said the kid that she's marrying looks even older than she does these days. As he was talking about that Fred played Van Halen's ''Hot For Teacher.'' Howard let it play through a little bit and Fred added some porn clips. They also played one of Billy Mira's prank phone calls where he called a black club as David Lee Roth and tried to book himself in the club. Then they played another Van Halen song, ''Runnin' with the Devil.'' They were going Van Halen crazy. Howard cut it off after a short time.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk and talked about the game they played with him and his sister before they went on vacation. Howard quickly changed subjects and talked about an article he saw in the NY Post today about terrestrial radio and how they're talking about cutting back on commercials. He said they checked into that and found that there are 18-22 minutes of commercials on morning shows in New York City. Howard's show was actually one of the shows iwth the least amount of commercials. The news channels actually ran 22 minutes of commercials per hour while Howard's show only had 17 minutes. The Mickey Dolenz show had only 14 minutes. Howard said that hsi show over at Sirius will have commercials but it won't be nearly what he has now. Jeff the Drunk wanted to talk to Artie about a comedy show he did over the weekend but Howard didn't want to hear about that so he cut him off.
A listener called in and asked Howard why he takes so much time off. The caller said he only gets one week a year off. Howard told the guy that he's not him and he doesn't have to suffer through a sucky job like his fans do. The caller said that Howard should feel that he owes his fans something. Gary came in adn talked about how there are a bunch of entertainers who take off a lot more time than Howard does. LEtterman takes like 12 weeks a year (Howard gets 8). Next year Oprah Winfrey will only work 16 weeks next year. Howard is the only one people complain about.
Howard brought up a story about the Marines fighting over in Iraq and how they still don't have the correct armor for their vehicles. He read that the guys over there were creating their own armor. They ended up getting killed when they were hit by a bomb filled with nails and schrapnal. The caller Howard had on the line cut Howard off and asked him some other questions about his life and assumed that he had more time off than he used to. The caller claims that he knows a lot about Howard's relationship wtih his girlfriend and thinks that he's treating her like she's beautiful. Howard siad that he's in love with this woman and he didn't seem to understand what the guy was talking about. The caller thinks that Howard took the chance to upgrade to a more beautiful woman so he got out of his marriage. Howard said this caller has no idea what he's talking about. THe caller kept talking about how Howard doesn't talk about personal stuff about Beth but they just talked about their sex life recently. Gary came in and talked about the other day when they were talking about the women that Howard banged after he got his divorce. Gary had another name that he wanted to ask Howard about. Howard said he could have gotten that person but he didn't. No one was saying any names though because Howard doesn't want to talk about them. Howard finally hung up on the caller and gave a plug for the latest FHM magazine which Beth is featured in this month. He said it's a really good one. He said she's in a bikini on the cover and it's probably the best picture she's taken. Howard said he got aroused just looking at the picture.
Howard was down in Palm Beach, Florida over vacation. He siad that he really likes it down there. He stayed in the Ritz Carlton down there which was really nice. His youngest daughter and a friend of hers went with him down there. The friend's name was Alexa and she claims that she was named after Billy Joel's daughter. Howard talked about how nice the hotel was and how well he was treated. He said he's done with the Carribean and Palm Beach his the place he's going to be going to from now on. They were able to get him his breakfast quickly unlike other places he's stayed at in the past. They made him an egg white omelet that was nice and dry just like he wanted it.
Howard read a phony article from The Onion about how pissed off the Pope is after finding out that Heaven isn't nearly as nice as his place at the Vatican was. The guys had some fun with that story before they had to take a commercial break.
Howard said Rosie will probably get an Emmy for that performance even though it wasn't that great. Howard is willing to take a part playing a retard if anyone wants him. He did his retard impression and moaned a bit sounding like he was in pain. Artie said there must have been some insane ass kissing between scenes when they were shooting that Rosie O'Donnell movie. Howard had to go right to commercial after that.
Howard said that Vinnie Favale from CBS sent him a book that he read over vacation that was really funny. He said the book was written by this guy Rodney Rothman who was a writer for David Letterman's show. He retired from the show at the age of 28 and went down to Florida to see what retirement would be like. Howard loved the book but Robin said she couldn't get into it. Artie said he'd check it out though. The book is called ''Early Bird : A Memoir of Premature Retirement'' and it was apparently a quick and easy read for Howard.
Howard said he read an article about Katie Couric over vacation where the NY Times was bashing her. He said it almost seems like the people at NBC are trying to ruin her career or something. He said they talked about how she demands that the camera be put on her legs because she thinks she has sexy legs. Howard said that ever since the article came out, she's been wearing pants to cover those legs up.
Howard had a copy of Beth's latest FHM cover. He said she's getting dangerously close to Playboy-like pictures posing the say she is. He showed the guys some of the other pictures in the magazine where she's posing in various bikinis. There were quite a few pictures according to Artie. Howard thinks the layout will do Beth a lot of good for her career.
Howard said that he's going over to ''Eh, he ehh'' (Sirius) to go over the design of his new studio. He wants to make sure everything is right over there and he knows he's going to have an argument about the ceiling height of his studio. He figures they'll give him a hard time about the ceilings just like they did there at his current station. He needs high ceilings for TV cameras for his TV show.
Howard says he's talking to some people about coming over to Sirius to work for him. He said that he asked one guy, who is in the business doing stuff similar to what they do, what he's going to do when he gets hit with a $3 million fine from the government. The guy doesn't know what he's going to do because he doesn't have any money. When the new bill is signed into law that allows the government to fine individuals for indecency, that's what could happen to this guy. The guy apparently would like to follow Howard over to Sirius and Howard said he'd like to make that happen. He wouldn't say who that person was though.
There was more audio of this guy from the FCC talking about the satellite radio thing. The guy says that they're not going to go after satellite TV but they are thinking about going after the radio thing. Howard said that he believes that they really are on a witch hunt for him because they weren't talking about this before he made the announcement that he was moving over there. The FCC is also pressuring the cable industry to the point that E! may have to get rid of his program. Howard said things have gotten 50 times worse in the past year or so and he thinks that E! will fold to the pressure and get rid of his show... even though people are able to block out any cable channels they want. No one has to see his show if they don't want to but they're going to try and get rid of him in any way he has to.
Howard changed subjects and said that he gets blamed for everything. There was an article in the paper about some young kids in Springfield, Ohio who made a sex tape. There was a Sheriff interviewed about the tape who said that it was just like ''that Howard Stern crap'' you see on TV every day. Howard and Robin pointed out that there is a multi-billion dollar porn business out there that could have caused the kids to make the tape.
After that Howard played Elephant Boy's version of Kid Rock's ''Bawitdaba'' song. He also took a couple of phone calls. One guy called in and said that Comedy Central recently showed Chris Rock's comedy special unedited just one channel under the E! channel but no one is going after them. Howard said that it's obvious they're just going after his show for some reason. He also explained that the reason he doesn't have nudity on his web site is because they'd probably try to shut down the internet if he did. That led to him talking about a woman who went to Burger King and called 911 because she couldn't get her order correct. The 911 call is on the internet. The woman was demanding that the cops come down and help her get the order she wanted. She said that she wanted a western burger and wanted a cop to come down and make sure that they make her the meal she wants. The 911 operator told the woman that they can't help her out because it's not a criminal issue.
A caller asked Howard what he's going to do when the FCC does start regulating satellite radio. Howard said he will fulfil his contract and get out of the business. He said it will probably take about 2 years for them to pass regulations like that so he can have a couple of good years before they start censoring his show.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard to stop in Syracuse on their farewell tour. Howard said that he will be coming through there when they go on that tour. Howard didn't seem to be all that excited about the tour at this point. He said it is a funny idea and he'll probably do it... but he's not all that thrilled about it right now. He said that he'd like to be fired in September so he can go on that tour before the winter months come around. He had to go to break right after that.
Howard saw an article about the whole Imus family and saw a picture of Don Imus posing in his leather chaps. Howard thought that chaps were for guys who ride for a long time. Howard also pointed out that Imus is the least likely guy to be married to the hot chick that's in one of the pictures of the family. Fred played one of his song parodies about Imus and his cancer ranch. Howard and the guys got a few laughs out of that song parody. Howard went on to read some of the article that he was looking at.
Robin told Howard that she was over in London during vacation. She said that they had some programs on over there about the porn industry and one woman was talking about how she had sex in the bad place so many times that it almost fell out and she had to have it put back in. Howard didn't linger on that subject too long though.
Howard played the latest voice mail message from Hate Man who went off on him about the Jewish Holiday that just passed. He asked Howard to explain the Jews to him and then started yelling about the ''smelly Jew Bastards'' before he hung up. Hate Man left another message about Robin and her new TV show. He said he'd like to be her first guest but he wants her to be dressed like Aunt Jemima on the pancake box. He then yelled about her being a ''monkey bitch'' and an ''Aunt Jemima bitch.'' Howard talked about what it must be like when his neighbors hear him screaming like that in the apartment next door.
A guy called in and told Howard that he got the FHM magazine with Beth in it and all of the pages were stuck together already. Howard said he asked Beth if she ever thinks about how guys are going to be doing that to her pictures. She apparently said that she doesn't think that they do that to her pictures. That's what guys do though, especially when she's posing with her boobs almost exposed.
Howard brought up the Ashton Kutcher/Amanda Peet movie that flopped while they were on vacation. Howard said that he's talked about why he hates Amanda Peet in the past. He doesn't like Ashton Kutcher is because of the way he acts. He played some audio of Ashton explaining a prank they were going to pull on Kirsten Dunst. Howard explained the joke first and there was no joke involved in it. Ashton was explaining the prank and yelling through the whole thing. Howard wondered what was up with the delivery Ashton uses in that show. Artie said it kind of sounded like Rosie O'Donnell playing the retard in that movie of hers and yelling for no apparent reason. Howard played some of Rosie's retard and wondered why she was mixing a retard with a deaf person. She was also lisping while she was doing the impression.
Howard had Sal bring in some Gary the Retard clips so they could hear a real retard. Sal the Stockbroker brought in the bit that he and Richard did with Gary on the phone recently. They jerked Gary around asking him who he was and pretending not to hear him.
Howard changed subjects and talked about how Gary has some great stories about what his father did in World War II. Howard's father was in the war as well but he doesn't have any good stories. He thinks that his father just stayed in the States. Gary came in and said his father saved a bunch of lives and stormed a beach in Okinawa. His father got a medal for dragging in a bunch of guys who were dying while they were being fired on while in their fox hole. Gary said his dad won't talk about it anymore but he was in hand to hand combat with some Japanese guys back then. Howard's dad once had an operation on his ass because he was starting to grow a tail or something. They filmed it for a training video because they'd never done the operation before. Howard said he and his father have a hard time talking about that stuff... and just about anything else for that matter. He doesn't get to talk to his father about the war stuff much but they have talked a little about it. Artie told a story about his grandfather who saved a Jewish guy's life by giving him one of his dog tags with a non-Jewish name on it.
Gary came in and told Howard that they had the audio of ''Governor Schwarzenegger'' ready to play from the E! guys. Howard let that play so everyone could hear what the controversy was all about. The phony Governor was agreeing with Howard about getting rid of the moon so they could do away with tides and with woman's menstrual cycles.
Howard brought his buddy Ross with him to the club. Ross brought Chris Booker with them but Booker thought they were going to see Ashlee Simpson after Ross told him that the club was owned by Ashford and Simpson. Booker was ready to leave when they got there because he realized it wasn't Ashlee Simpson they were going to see. The guys ended up loving the club though. Howard thanked everyone there for making him feel black. He said he felt so black when he left that a cop beat him up.
Robin said that she was hanging out with black people when she went to see Denzel Washington in ''Julius Caesar.'' She said that it was obvious that the people in the audience had no idea what they were in for with the Shakespeare stuff. Howard mentioned that Snoop Dogg will be on the show tomorrow and Jet Li will be later in the week.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked him what kind of man-bag he uses to keep himself organized. Howard said that Beth is getting him a new one but didn't say what type it is. Ross Zapin called in a short time later to talk about their night at the Sugar Bar. He talked a little bit about that and about his upcoming wedding. Howard said that Ross was thinking of holding his bachelor party in Iceland so he had to back out of that. Ross said there's been a change of plans and Howard should be getting an invitation soon. Ross is also thinking of having his honeymoon in Africa. Robin Radzinski came in and told some stories about going to Africa and enjoying it quite a bit.
A listener called in and told Howard about the upcoming special about Pat O'Brien. JD came in and said that special airs on Wednesday night and Pat returns to ''The Insider'' on Thursday. Fred played some of the Pat O'Brien bits they've been playing for the past few weeks. They went right into commercial after playing a few of those bits.
Howard said that he heard that if you get the DVD version of the movie ''Hero'' they have it dubbed in English. The guys were talking about it earlier and Howard said he can't watch movies that are sub-titled. Now he can get the movie and watch it without the sub-titles.
Robin was complimenting Howard on how he looked when he showed up at work today. She thinks that he looks good for his age. That led to the guys talking about how Gary is getting really gray hair. Gary came in and said that a woman said something to him about the gray hair recently and seemed shocked by the amount of gray hair he has. He said he's thinking about coloring it and going on a diet. His weight has been yo-yo-ing up and down quite a bit lately.
A caller told Howard that he saw Artie out at a bar last week and he wasn't looking so good, like he'd just rolled out of bed. Artie said he went to the bar to watch a Yankee game and he did just roll out of bed. He was getting ready to go out with Dana later that night. Howard said Artie is pretty hard core because he will go to a bar alone and just hang out. Howard would never do that. Artie said he goes to the bar quite a bit and figured he'd know someone there. The caller said that he figured Artie might need some help after seeing him there. Gary came in and talked about this guy Mike from the Mike and the Mad Dog sports radio team. He apparently goes to a bar and has them put up velvet ropes around him so people won't bother him while he's in a bar watching a game. Artie said that's just obnoxious and he wouldn't do something like that. Gary said he's never gone out to a bar to drink alone like Artie does.
Howard had Robin start her news segment so they could get out of there. Howard took a call during the news from one of the guys, Billy Cliff, who performed at The Sugar Bar when he was there on Thursday. The guy told Howard to come down on May 6th because he'll be performing there again on that day. Howard told him he'd be there. Robin finished up her news a short time later. They ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard started off the show talking about all of the rag mags he was reading while he was on vacation last week. As he was talking about that Fred played some Taylor Rain porn clips. Howard remembered that he'd watched some of her movies but then thought that it couldn't have been her because the chick wasn't all that hot and he knows that Taylor is hot. He went on to talk about all of the porn he has in his apartment and how he has a tough time choosing what to watch. He said he has about 10 versions of ''The Sopornos'' and he tried to find a hot chick to watch but he wasn't finding any. He eventually went with one that was supposed to have Kendra Jade in it but it turned out to have a couple of sub-par chicks that had bellies on them. He said that wasn't cool. He also talked about one scene that was a little too wild for him and one of the guys in the movie was pretty scary looking.
Richard Christy came in to talk about some movies that he's been watching. He's got one movie featuring Jessica James in it and that's pretty hot. He said he and J.D. were really exited about getting a copy of ''The Porn Identity.'' Richard also talked about how there are some web sites out there that post scenes from porn movies and you can just download the good stuff and get off without going through a whole movie. Howard said he's not going to go through something like that. Richard said he doesn't go too crazy during the week even though he does get pretty excited when he's watching that stuff. He saves it up for the weekend. Artie mentioned the make over that Richard had done on himself. Richard thanked Howard for that because he's really liking it. He's been getting phone numbers from women but he hasn't worked up the courage to call any of them yet. He's still working on that. Howard said he was watching the ''special tape'' that they've had and shared with each other for many years. He said he likes to watch new stuff though. Richard likes the fun sisters tape they have too. Howard said he can't watch any more Jenna Jameson porn because that's too easy.
Howard mentioned that there was a trial recently for a guy who killed some people and kept mentioning his name. He played some audio clips of that yesterday but he said he'd replay them today. He also brought up some prank calls that Richard Christy used to make to these small town local channels and goof on them. They have channels where they sell stuff so Richard would send in lists of stuff they wanted to sell and they'd goof on them. They'd also call in and hold the phone up to the radio to cause feedback because the shows would be live when they called in. Howard demonstrated what it was like using his megaphone. He had to take a commercial break shortly after that.
Howard talked about how well they're being treated by the people at SIRIUS. He and Robin ended up talking about the places they used to work and some of them were actually in people's houses. Howard described one place where they had a studio in a room and the program director's desk was out in the hallway of this home. It was the same way in Detroit when Howard worked there. He was actually working right out of a house. Anyone could have just walked right in the house if they wanted to. He said he once did a show where he was drinking on air to show how wrong it is to drink and drive and he passed out. He had a bunch of bikers up there with him and the station manager got upset because the bikers were doing coke and cursing on the air. He didn't care at the time. He also talked about how he once passed out with Billy Squire and ended up just sleeping on the floor of this house. There was some shag carpet in the room that they fell asleep in so it was pretty comfortable. He said it was a pretty nutty place to work. Howard eventually went to work at DC 101 and worked in a real building that was pretty nice. He was thrilled when he moved to Hartford and actually worked in a building as well. He wasn't freaked out once he moved to WNBC because he'd been working in a couple of real buildings.
Howard said that he was over at SIRIUS in his meeting yesterday and Alicia Keys walked by the meeting room and stared at him. He said the meeting rooms are all glass so anyone can walk by and look in. He said she looked pretty hot when he saw her. Fred asked if her ass was as big as it looks on TV. Howard said she looked hot.
A listener called in and said he missed the conversation about the phony Arnold Schwarzenegger bit they were talking about yesterday. Howard said that the impersonator ended up causing some controversy around the world when the story was picked up in England and other places about some of the goofy things he was saying during the phony interview. Howard went on to replay that Arnold segment that he'd replayed yesterday as well. After the replay he went right into commercial.
Howard read some e-mail he got about yesterday's show when they were talking about the Rosie O'Donnell movie ''Riding the Bus with my Sister.'' Howard played some of the clips and talked about how there aren't many actors who can pull off that retarded person thing. He said that pretty much everyone has sucked at it except for Leonardo DiCaprio. He played more of the Rosie clips and goofed on them for a couple of minutes. Howard said that the guys took some of those clips and made some prank calls. Sal the Stockbroker called a hardware store and pretended that he was an assistant for a retarded person who wanted to order a toilet seat. He played some of the audio clips for the guy and he had a conversation with her for a short time. That guy hung up on her so Sal called back and spoke to another person who couldn't deal with it either. The second person demanded to talk to the guy who called. She said she couldn't keep it up because the woman was rambling too much. She eventually hung up on them as well.
Since they were on the retarded thing Howard played a ''Retarded Actor'' game. He had clips of actors playing retarded roles. The first clip he played was Tom Hanks as Forest Gump. The next one was Leonardo DiCaprio in ''What's Eating Gilbert Grape.'' Howard and the guys were all giving their answers as retarded people themselves. The next clip was Cuba Gooding Jr. in ''Radio.'' Howard played another one and no one could get it. It turned out to be Kevin Bacon in ''Digging to China.'' They played another one which was Dustin Hoffman in ''Rainman.'' Gary had Howard play the next one which was Juliette Lewis in ''The Other Sister.'' Gary mentioned that she's going to be coming on the show in about a month so they suggested that they reenact a scene from that movie with her. Artie then remembered that he did a movie with Juliette where he played a half-retarded guy. That movie was called ''The 4th Floor.'' Howard moved on to the next clip. It was Daniel Day Lewis in ''My Left Foot.'' They pointed out that he wasn't retarded in that movie though, he had CP. Howard said he could have played that part and gave a demonstration of his CP character. Howard was unintelligible so Gary asked him to say ''I'm going to get a bagel'' in that same character. Howard did it and was able to get the line out. Artie said he looked like a cross between Joe Cocker and a CP guy. Howard played another clip of Sean Penn. He said that Robin Williams in ''The House of D'' is one of the worst retarded performances. He said he loves Robin Williams but he was really bad in that movie. Howard had one more clip to play. No one could get it so Gary had to tell them that it was John Malcovich in ''Of Mice and Men.''
Howard took some phone calls after that. Bobo was the first caller and asked Howard what he thinks is going to happen when ABC's Paula Abdul report comes out. Howard thinks they're going to report that she dated one of the contestants who is about half her age. Howard said that's just not right. He went on to talk about how Paula used to date hot guys but now she's a 45 year old, dried up, old hag and she's just trying to get laid like any dude would do.
Howard read that there are some religious groups who are upset with Laura Bush because she was joking about her husband at a dinner recently. She made some jokes that were a bit over the top and at President Bush's expense. Howard played some of the jokes the First Lady told about the President and they weren't all that crazy, they were actually pretty lame and tame. Howard's guys took those clips and recut them to make her comments a little more outrageous. They also recut some President Bush clips that Howard played.
Howard said that CBS has put out a 4 page ad for this Elvis special they have coming up and it actually plays music when you open it up. He opened it so everyone could hear it. It's like a full 30 second ad that runs when you open it. Robin said she has no desire to watch that special even after hearing that ad.
Howard read some news about this ''runaway bride'' from this past weekend. He said there's more news coming out about their relationship. The woman, who is 32, hasn't had sex with this guy according to the article he was reading. As he was talking about that the delay button was hit. Robin said that the runaway bride just looks crazy when you see her. She said that when you see white all around a person's eye, they're probably nuts.
Howard read some e-mail he got about Ashton Kutcher. Howard said he's thrilled that his new movie tanked this past weekend. He played a clip of Ashton talking about one of the pranks they pulled on Kirsten Dunst and he just yells the whole time. Howard said he'd like it if he just quieted down a little bit. That led to Fred playing some new gay porn clips for some reason.
There was an obituary that Howard talked about. This guy Wheeler ''Johnny'' Lipes who had some cool World War II stories. Howard read the obituary where they talked about this emergency surgery he did on a guy whose appendix was about to burst. The guy was able to use bent spoons to perform the surgery. Howard and Robin were pretty impressed with the story. Howard had been talking about how his father didn't have any cool stories to tell from the war because he just stayed here in the States.
Howard said he just wants Infinity to let him go so he can start doing his new show. He wants to go work with Jay Thomas who is working over at SIRIUS now. Howard said he ran into Jay yesterday and Jay had the balls to comment on what he was wearing. Howard said he had a good time over there yesterday. He said they have a lot of celebrities walking around the halls there. Gary said that he saw Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins while they were there. Howard saw Alicia Keys and she was just wandering around. He figures they won't have any celebrities around while he's there early in the morning.
Howard talked about how he'd like to put a Howard Stern Museum together. He said he saves just about everything from his career. Gary said he'd love to be able to go to a museum and watch video or listen to old shows in a booth. Howard said he would hang just about anything in the museum. Gary said the museum would go over really huge in Philadelphia because people really love him down there. Robin suggested putting it in Roosevelt, Long Island where he grew up. Howard thought about putting in replicas of the studios he's worked in over the years. Gary said that they could record people reading scripts as Howard. Artie said they could have someone from the FCC fine you when you leave the place. Robin said it would be cool to have wax figures of everyone in there. Howard said they could have him with all of his different hair dos. He also said that they could have a wax figure of Scott the Engineer that people could sit and yell at like he does to the real Scott. Robin said that Scott would probably be willing to do that for real.
Howard played some clips of the guys jerking Eric around in the office. Sal picked up the phone and pretended he couldn't hear him. Then he told him not to yell at him when he asked him to speak up. Sal then put him on hold and picked up as someone else as he disguised his voice. Eric had to explain himself once again. Sal put him on hold for a second time. Then picked up again and jerked him around until Eric hung up. Howard said they just wear the guy out doing that to him.
Howard told Eric he had Kelly Clarkson on the phone and put High Pitch Eric on the line. High Pitch did his Kelly Clarkson impression and sang to Eric the Actor. Howard told Eric that he thought it was really Kelly but the bit wasn't going anywhere so he hung up on ''Kelly.'' He went on to talk about this idea he had. He said that they do this vote for the Pope when he does so he'd like to do something with the Wack Pack guys so they can elect a new ''Dope'' out of their group. Eric wasn't interested in being part of that though. Howard told him that they'd have all of the Wack Packers there to try and pick one person out of the group to win a grand prize of something like $5,000. They'd have a ton of Wack Packers like Beetlejuice, Elephant Boy, Daniel Carver, Gary the Retard, Wendy the Retard and others. Eric thinks that he's not part of this ''Wack Pack'' but Howard broke the news to him that he really is.
Eric asked Howard if he read the story he sent into them. Howard said that the story was too depressing and he didn't put it up on his site. Eric said he wrote a couple of other stories that Howard might want to read as well. Howard told him he'd check them out but they really need to get a midget on the show who isn't angry. Eric suggested that Howard stop calling them ''midgets'' and maybe they could find someone who isn't angry.
Howard played a clip of Vinnie Favale from CBS doing a bit on David Letterman's show the other night. In the bit Vinnie was playing the part of Elvis but Howard thought the bit kind of fell flat. Robin said that Vinnie was reading lines that just weren't funny and it almost seemed like the two of them were in different rooms. Howard also pointed out that Letterman was stepping on Vinnie's lines.
Howard had decided not to play the audio clip he played yesterday of this Ohio sniper guy talking about hearing Howard Stern's voice in his head. He played it around the same time yesterday so he was going to save it for tomorrow. He ended up playing it since he brought it up already though. Howard said he's had a couple of wacky guys out there hearing his voice in their heads for some reason. He mentioned one guy who was a serial killer and kept notes about Howard's show in a journal he kept. Howard said the stuff the guy wrote was pretty wacky.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard who that guy Floyd Abrams was. He filled him in on what the guy does since Howard wasn't really sure. After that Howard and the guys talked about the upcoming Dr. Phil special with Pat O'Brien that's going to air on Wednesday night. O'Brien is supposed to return to ''The Insider'' on Thursday. Howard and the guys will be watching that special. Howard played some of the many bits they created using the Pat O'Brien voice mail messages and then went to commercial.
During the news Howard played an old informative movie about girls menstrual cycles which led to them talking about how their relationships were with their parents. Howard talked about how his father would yell at him at the dinner table if he just asked a question like ''How was your day.'' Artie said that his father would come home, covered in drywall dust, sit at the table and eat his veal with his eyes closed. Artie said they weren't allowed to say an f'ing word. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:20am.
Howard started off the show talking about how it seemed like they'd just finished yesterday's show and they're already doing another one. He also noticed the glasses that Robin was wearing and thought they were new. Robin said they weren't new though, they just don't see her in them all the time. Howard moved down from the glasses to her breasts and asked her to put the glasses on her breasts.
Howard got his hands on a tape from MSNBC from The Scarborough Report where they reported on the Arnold Schwarzenegger bit they did a couple of weeks back. They reported that the real Arnold had talked about some controversial stuff on Howard's show, not knowing that it was all a goof. ''Arnold'' was an impersonator. They quoted the guy as if it was a real interview. Howard thought it was funny that this news program didn't check it's sources. The reporter was quoting a London newspaper and they didn't check their sources either. Artie thought he found out why his approval numbers are dropping and thought that it was because of the boarder closings he's talked about. Howard told Artie that it's just that it's Arnold Schwarzenegger that his numbers are dropping. The two of them goofed on Arnold for a minute and talked about how he can't even pronounce the name of the state he's governor in. Artie said that maybe the Californians were too fast in picking Arnold over the guy from ''Diff'rent Strokes.'' Howard replayed the bit they did with the phony Schwarzenegger so they could fool some more people. After playing the bit Howard said that he found it funny that ''Schwarzenegger'' wanted to get his help on figuring out a way to destroy the moon. Howard replayed The Scarborough Report clip that he played just a few minutes before. He went on to say that they should try to get their phony Schwarzenegger elected governor out there in California so they really can try and destroy the moon.
Howard took a call from this woman Susan who calls in quite often. She was telling Howard that he is very important for this country because he makes people laugh and the FCC should be investigating people in South Florida to find out if there would be mental health problems down there since he was taken off the air. Howard ended up hanging up on the woman because she wasn't making much sense. He said he could have gone in a different direction by talking about how the government is busy fining for indecency while our troops over in Iraq can't get the correct armor for their vehicles over there.
Another phone caller told Howard that he thinks the whole Schwarzenegger thing is pretty funny. Howard said that Joe Scarborough is probably thrilled because people now know who he is. The caller went on to talk about how he's going to miss Howard when he leaves. Howard told the guy he's got to know where he's going and he can follow him over there. The caller was a little too annoying for Howard so he hung up on him. Howard went on to read about how the National Lampoon radio division is talking about how they're lining up a group of the funniest guys on radio so they can try and capture Howard's audience. They're going to get people that sound like Howard Stern, Tom Leykis, Bob and Tom and others for their radio stations. Robin said that Howard Stern is still going to be available, he'll just be on satellite. Howard said he's predicting that in 10 years there will be 30 million satellite radio users. Howard and Artie had some fun talking about all of the names that the National Lampoon guys could put on.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Howard about this guy Chris Booker who does a show in the afternoons on Howard's station. The caller thinks that Booker is ripping off Howard's show but Howard said he hasn't even heard it. He said he doesn't listen to the station the rest of the day, he's into a new thing and that's listening to satellite radio. He went on to talk about how this new indecency bill that will allow the FCC to fine individuals is going to ruin terrestrial radio as we know it. When it's finally signed into law, more radio shows will move over to satellite radio. He said he knows that not everyone is going to move over to satellite tomorrow. Eventually it'll happen though.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said that he's going to be one of the guys to lead terrestrial radio into the next 15 years. He also told Howard that Booker isn't ripping off Howard's show. He's doing his own thing according to Cabbie. Howard ended up talking about Pat O'Brien and how he's the hottest thing on TV right now. They spent a minute on that subject.
Howard read an e-mail about something that Robin brought up in the news yesterday. The writer was correcting them about this six pound burger that this place offers. Robin said that it was available at Denny's but it was actually a place called Denny's Beer Barrel Club in Pennsylvania somewhere. The six pound burger has something like 25 pieces of cheese and a cup of mayonnaise on it. That led to the guys talking about how creepy the Burger King guy is in the TV commercials. Howard also mentioned how creepy the Great Adventure dancing guy is on their commercials. Cabbie told the guys that the Great Adventure old guy is actually a young kid in makeup. They knew that already and made fun of Cabbie for pointing something obvious out.
Howard said that Cabbie is looking for a job over at SIRIUS and he's not against that but he doesn't have time to set up his stuff over there so he can't make him an offer right now. Howard said he could hire Cabbie but then he'd have to hire Tom to hold his hand while he works over there. Howard wondered if Cabbie could handle working over there without a babysitter. Cabbie said the babysitter thing is over there at K-Rock.
Howard read about this Lumberjack Slam breakfast that they have at Denny's. They went over the stuff included in the menu. The meal is made for someone who works as hard as a lumberjack, not for some guy who just sits and watches football all day. There was another breakfast called a Grand Slam Breakfast that had a ton of food in it as well. Howard figures that Artie loves to hear about those huge meals. He had to take a break right after that.
Howard said he was up at SIRIUS the other day and heard that Billy Corgan from the band Smashing Pumpkins was up there and he's into reading poetry now. Howard had some audio clips of Billy reading some of his poetry and he just doesn't get it. He said it eventually gets mind numbing. He let it play through a little bit and wondered who is sitting in the audience listening to that. Howard wondered if Billy has wigged out or something. They ended up playing some Smashing Pumpkins songs and remembered how good some of the songs were. Howard got back to the poetry stuff and figures that Corgan must have made enough money that he doesn't have to keep singing.
Chris Booker called in and asked Howard about the discussion they were having about his show earlier. Howard told Booker that he told the caller earlier that he hadn't even heard his show so he wasn't going to bad mouth him. He let Booker go and moved on.
Howard said that they have a gay channel over at the new place they're going to and Sal and Richard have been calling the channel over there making prank calls. Howard said he can't wait to get over there. He played one prank call they made to the channel where Sal talked about how the song they'd just played reminded him of the first time he'd sucked a black BLEEP. They don't seem to be shocked by much on that station so Sal went on and on about his phony gay experience until the female host hung up on him. Richard Christy made another prank call to the station and asked about the best way to remove a gerbil skull from his BLEEP-hole. They hung up on him pretty quick. Even though that tape was bleeped, Howard had the dump button hit on him for some reason. Howard said he'd like to do a show on that channel over there. He spent a few seconds talking about that and went right into commercial break.
Robin said that if this was a garbage man who saved him, they would have just moved on and not said anything about this. The father admitted that it does make for a little more of a story because it was A. Rod. Artie told Patrick that the real hero in this whole thing is A. Rod's agent who gets him paid big bucks. The father said that Rodriguez wanted to meet with the kid again after it happened so Howard let him know that he's just doing that because it's good publicity. Patrick lives up in the Boston area but he is a Yankees fan. His father seemed to be coaching him a little bit about the things he was telling Howard. The father also said that Patrick is a fan of the show. Patrick said he thinks Howard is funny and very honest on his show. Howard wondered if the kid knew anything about what's going on over in Iraq. Patrick said he hasn't been watching the news lately. Howard figured that he was a pretty normal 8 year old if he's not keeping up on stuff like that.
Patrick's father is divorced and said that he was inspired to date younger women because of Howard. Patrick told Howard that he lives with both of his parents alternating between them. He also told Howard that he'd like to be a baseball player when he grows up. Artie asked him if he has a backup plan for when that whole thing doesn't work out. The kid said he doesn't have any other plans right now because that's what he thinks he's going to do. Howard started to wrap up the call and let Patrick and his father go.
Gary told Howard he was talking to the interns in the office because he hasn't been to a wedding in a long time. He said the minimum he had to come up with was at least $300 per couple for any wedding. Now he has to add to that because it's Tom's son. Tom said that's not the case. Howard asked Artie how much he's going to give. Artie thought about it for a few seconds and said he'd give $1,000 because it's him and Dana who are going. Howard said that throws things off and he should give $500 and Gary should give $250. Howard told Gary that the reason he doesn't make a lot of money is because of Tom so he shouldn't give him that much money. Tom said he had a discussion with Gary a few years ago about getting him paid better than he was and they made it happen. Gary still feels that he's underpaid though. Howard was complaining because everyone giving so much money was forcing him into giving like $1,500. Howard said that he's just going to give $1,000.
Gary reminded Howard that they're going to another wedding, Ross Zapin's, later in the year so they're giving away how much their gifts are going to be. Howard and Gary spent a minute talking about Ross' bachelor party because he's apparently throwing it out in Las Vegas. Howard said he can't go even though Gary is going to make it happen. Gary said they planned it around his schedule and he'll be going out there the last weekend in July. Howard said he doesn't want to do that though.
Howard asked Robin to cap the gift at $1,000 so they won't spend too much money. Everyone knew that Howard would go over that though. He and Robin had agreed on a number for Gary's wedding but Howard ended up giving about 200 bucks more than Robin did. Howard figures that if Robin gives $1,500 then he'll have to give the kid $1,700 or so. Howard said he'd stick to that number even if Robin goes over it. Tom jokingly told Howard he was a cheapskate so Howard started to wonder if it really was too little to give.
Fred said that he's going to give Tom's son a $500 gift and that was a very generous gift. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and told the guys that they really were raising the bar because she was thinking of giving $200. Howard told her that it was plenty and she doesn't have to give as much as the rest of the guys. Radzinski said that the proper etiquette is to give $100 if you go alone and to give $200 if you bring someone. Gary said he though that was about how much you were supposed to give 10 years ago but he hasn't been to a wedding in about that amount of time. Howard wrapped up the discussion a short time later.
Howard said that Jim Breuer will be coming in later in the morning. He said that Jim used to be on Saturday Night Live and now he's got a show on SIRIUS. He also said he's been getting a lot of e-mail about the Rosie O'Donnell clips that he's been playing lately where she's playing the part of a retard. Howard played some of those clips and goofed on her awful performance. He also replayed the prank call that Sal the Stockbroker made to a hardware store using some of the Rosie clips. In the clips she asks for a toilet seat and eventually gets hung up on by one guy. A second person picks up when he calls back and hangs in there a little longer. Howard played a few more of the Rosie clips and some of the parodies they created.
Howard replayed the clip he played earlier in the morning from The Scarborough Report where Joe Scarborough talks about the phony Arnold Schwarzenegger interview that Howard did as if it was a real interview. Howard and the guys had some fun goofing on Joe for not checking his sources. Artie said it would have been funny if they'd played a clip from that interview during the news report.
Howard said tonight is the big night for Dr. Phil's interview with Pat O'Brien. Robin said that it's also ABC's night for reporting on Paula Abdul's affair with one of the American Idol contestants. Howard said that they're just going to be pointing out that she's an older woman trying to get a younger man and that's just not that cool. That led to the guys talking about American Idol and how there's a movement out there to vote for the worst person on the show, that's why this guy Scott is still on the show. Howard said that Gary got a call from a record company who wanted to book this guy Constantine's band on the show. They wouldn't have Constantine on the show though, just his band. Howard got a hold of the band's CD and played a track from it. The song did feature Constantine as the singer but he's not with the band. The track was pretty rough so Artie said the name of the track should be ''Unlistenable.''
Gary changed subjects and brought up that Serial Rapist they were talking about earlier. He said he checked some of his notes about the guy and found some of the entries that the guy made in his journal about Howard's show. The guy made an entry about Robin's book and how good he thought it was.
A listener called in and brought up an article about SIRIUS radio but Howard didn't seem interested in hearing it from the guy whose cell phone connection was awful. The guy also wanted to tell a joke but that didn't go over so well either. The guy asked what the difference was between a gay guy and a refrigerator. Howard said it had something to do with meat going bad but no one knew the whole punch line.
Howard said that they don't need to shoot the movie in 5 consecutive weeks, they should be able to do it part time on weekends or after 9 in the morning. Artie said that this is the only way they could make this happen though. They went back and forth arguing about it and Howard didn't seem to be thrilled that Artie had to take off so much time. Howard told Robin this all happened on the day before their vacation as they were getting ready to leave. Howard said he was already dizzy from doing 87 hours on the air and that conversation didn't help matters. Howard kept asking Artie to do the 9 o'clock thing but Artie didn't think Howard would be happy with that either. Artie has taken days off before to do stuff like this but Howard said it was only a couple of days here and there. Artie said he took a full week off one time. Robin said that one week is a lot different than three though. Artie thought that Howard's situation with ''Private Parts'' was a bit different than his situation.
Gary came in and asked Howard if he'd feel differently if Artie was going to be shooting a movie in L.A. co-starring with Jack Nicholson. Howard said that it would be a bit different. This movie that Artie is shooting is just a small project that's not going to be a huge break or anything for him. Robin said that it's like Shelly Long leaving ''Cheers'' to have a movie career. Gary seemed to think that was a pretty tough comparison. Artie said he's never taken advantage of this deal he has with Howard's show in the four years he's been there. Artie told Howard ''I'm not you!'' when Howard kept bringing up his deal with ''Private Parts.'' Artie said he doesn't think that the show needs him. He said that Howard and Robin were legends long before he got hired. Howard told him that they do need him on the show though. He also asked him if he learned his lesson with ''Dirty Work.'' Artie isn't sure why Howard has him on the show because he seems to think that he's just a screw up. Howard likes the guy though and he can't seem to get that through to him.
Artie said that he's under a ton of stress right now and he thinks that Howard doesn't understand it. He said he's losing weight and the stress is really getting to him. The schedule for the radio show is crazy and he's doing stand-up comedy to make the kind of money he was making doing sitcoms. He knew he'd have to do that coming into this but all of the stuff with the film and the comedy shows is getting to him. Howard told Artier that he prioritizes things and the fertilizer or soil for every other project is his radio show. The radio show is his connection to everything else. That thing has made Artie very important in the comedy world, the DVD world and the movie world. It all springs forward from this show. Artie told Howard that he's just hanging on to the show, Howard is the one who created it. Howard was trying to tell Artie that he's part of the team and he's got to understand that.
Artie knows that he needs to go to a shrink but he's not a believer in that stuff at this point. He said he was up at 12:30 in the morning last night thinking about this whole thing. He was up until 4 in the morning wondering what he's going to do. Artie said he didn't want to bother Howard at home with this stuff because he knows how busy he is. Howard let Hook Nose Mike through to talk to Artie. Mike told Artie that he has to remember where his roots are because this is where his bread is buttered. Another caller told Artie not to be the next Jackie and to just hang with the man (Howard) and listen to what he's saying to him. Another caller asked to ''...speak to Jackie... I mean Artie.'' Another caller called Artie a traitor and tried to get him to wise up. Artie was ready to cancel the whole movie project but Howard told him he doesn't have to do that. Another caller called Artie ''Artie Martling.'' That led to Robin calling him ''Benedict Artie.'' Fred liked the Benedict Artie thing too but Howard liked the Artie Martling best. He ended up talking about how Jackie had similar problems when he was on the show. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Howard read an article about how Joe Perry from Aerosmith had given Howard credit for inspiring him to do a solo album. Howard couldn't find the article so he read some of the journal entries from that serial rapist they were talking about earlier. Howard read the entries in which the guy talked about Howard's movie opening back in 1997 and then there were some posts about the guy wanting to rape a woman. Howard eventually found the Joe Perry article and read that quickly.
Howard read some of the mail they were getting about Artie being on the show. There were a bunch of people who said they love Artie on the show but Artie doesn't think that he'd be remembered in four weeks if he left the show. Robin and Howard kept talking to him about that while the guys brought in Jim Breuer.
Jim Breuer came in a short time later to talk to Howard. Jim thought it was pretty cool to be there. He told Howard that Artie was seduced by the savages that get hold of him outside of the Stern show. They tell Artie that he's much funnier than he is on the Stern show and try to convince him to do stuff like this movie. Jim said he knows where that's all coming from. Jim had some fun with the whole thing and goofed on Artie about the conversation Howard had with him earlier.
Howard talked to Jim about his days working on Saturday Night Live and how much he hated that. Jim said it's just like any other job. He worked at Sears and there was just as much back stabbing going on there as there was at SNL. Jim said he'd have to hide his ideas from people so they wouldn't steal them from him. Jim said that Norm Macdonald was on the show at the time and he'd do whatever he wanted over there. He actually did a pretty funny impression of Norm while he was talking about him. Jim also said he didn't like David Spade when he first met him. He said he was a little faggot like the 3rd grade kid who missed the kickball. Jim said that he was the new monkey boy when Farley was gone from the show and Spade apparently didn't treat him right. Jim talked about how he got the job on SNL just 7 days before they started the new season. Jim said that Spade called him the ''new idiot'' when he walked in for the first time over there. Jim said Spade would treat him like crap in front of crowds there at SNL until he threatened to pop him right in his snot box. Jim said that they got along after that. A little threat goes a long way apparently. Artie said you really do have to let some of those arrogant guys know that you're willing to throw them out of a window to get their respect. Artie didn't know that Spade was one of those guys because he's always been cool to him. Jim said he's cool with Spade now though.
Jim said that Norm really didn't care when he was working over there. He'd just show up one day out of a hole. Jim said he respected Norm when he was there. Artie said there's no better guy to talk to about show business than Norm. He told a story about going to an Up-front at FOX because he was on the network at the time. One of the executive came up to Norm and told him that his show was the highest tested shows ever and then walked over to Jason Bateman who was on the network at well. Another executive came up to Norm and asked where the other guy was. Norm told that exec that the other guy was over telling Jason Bateman that his show is the highest tested show on the network. Artie said that Norm gets it and knows that it's a bunch of crap.
Jim told Howard how great it's been over at SIRIUS and how much feedback he's getting over there about people who are signing up with the satellite company because of Howard. Howard said he'll be working with him over there. He's on channel 147 which is Raw Dawg Comedy. Howard also gave him a plug for his web sites JimBreuer.com and
Gary came in and reminded Howard about something David Spade did on SNL where he cracked a joke about Eddie Murphy and had to apologize for it later. Jim was there at the time and remembered one of the interns coming in to tell David that Eddie Murphy had called 5 times looking for him. Then they found out that Eddie was going to come down to the studio to talk to David if he didn't get on the phone. Spade turned white and dialed up Eddie. Everyone pretended not to listen in but they did overhear him talking to Eddie and apologizing to him. Jim said that Spade had to take his beating from Eddie that day and Jim loved it.
Jim said he's doing a 2 hour show over there at SIRIUS so Artie wondered why they can't do that. Jim said that even 2 hours is a long time and he's only doing 4 days a week original. Jim told Howard that he's also appeared on the gay channel over there. Howard said they plan on doing a lot of shows with the gay channel. Jim went on there to explain why he uses the word ''faggot'' in the opening of his show. He said that he just uses it like a third grader would use it when another student misses the kickball.
Artie and Jim shared a couple of stories about Norm Macdonald. Artie said there was one time that Norm made some comments about Chris Kattan seeming kind of gay to him when he was interviewed. Jim told another story about Norm doing a Twilight Zone sketch and Norm didn't seem to be doing the Rod Serling character the right way so Chris Kattan would goof on him the whole time. Norm wouldn't ever say anything to Chris when he would go off on him. He ended up saving it for 10 seconds before they went live on the air and then lashed out at Chris telling Pam Anderson that Chris was gay and he has all of this rage saved up in him and that's why he keeps interrupting the sketch.
Jim and Artie did their AC/DC impressions for Howard after that. Both of them have a ton of energy. Jim would do a little bit and then Artie would come in and do his ''FI-AHHHHHH.'' Fred played some AC/DC and Jim's impression was so good that you couldn't tell when he was singing or when it was AC/DC. Howard was directing Artie and Jim to sing along with the song and it was pretty friggin intense. Artie said that Jim does a bunch of bands. Jim did some James Hetfield and Lars Ulrich from Metallica a little bit. Howard had Artie doing some Bruce Springsteen impressions after that. Jim also does an Ozzy impression but he ended up talking about how he didn't want Ozzy to do that MTV show because they made a fool out of him. Jim did a little Judas Priest impression after that.
Double A called in and told Jim that he's one of the funniest guests he's heard on the show in a while. He asked him to do some Joe Pesci impressions after that. Jim went right into the character a short time later but said he really can't do that one anymore. Artie said that he had to do a Joe Pesci impression on MAD TV and he wasn't able to do it that well. He said the best way to do it is to let yourself get out of breath. He demonstrated it and did some lines from ''Goodfellas.'' That led to Jim and Artie doing some lines from the movie together.
Artie asked Jim if he wants to fill in for him for a few weeks this summer. Jim told him he'd better watch out. Artie told Howard that he could find someone to replace him in a second. He really believes that they could replace him no problem. Howard said they're going to have fun with Jim when they move over to SIRIUS. Jim said he'll come over and hang out when they're over there. Howard had to go to break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard said he stayed up to watch American Idol last night os he was a little out of it. He didn't get to see the Dr. Phil with Pat O'Brien special or the Paula Abdul special either. Artie said he's been sitting down to watch the Yankees win lately. He spent a couple of minutes talking about how happy he is about that. The guys were talking about baseball and steroids. Howard said that he read an article about minor league players and how steroids can ruin careers. He talked about a young guy who is playing in the minor leagues. The guy had a lot of talent but no one would pick him for the majors because he was a little guy. He wasn't a home run hitter because he was so small and not on steroids. If he did go on steroids, he'd probably be hitting homers. Howard said the Major League teams are looking for bigger guys to play. There was another player who was 6'3'' tall but wasn't on steroids but he's saying that he's not going to change, he's going to stay clean. Howard couldn't remember anyone's name or the teams that he was reading about. Artie said he'd like to read that article.
Gary asked Artie if everyone in his family has keys for his apartment. Artie said his mother and sister do so Gary said that's his whole family. Artie and his sister are really close so he doesn't have a problem with her stopping in. Howard figures that Dana takes place of the mother and sister when they're not around and they're probably jealous. Artie said they love her and they have a great time with her. Howard said that it's just weird to give a key to your mother and sister to let them just stop in. Artie doesn't think it's that weird. Gary figures that Artie's mother probably looks through all of his stuff but Artie doesn't think that happens. Howard said that his mother used to go through his stuff when he was a kid and Artie's mother is probably doing it to this day. Howard said Artie reminds him of the guy in the movie ''Marty'' who was a butcher who lives with his mom. Artie hasn't seen the movie so Howard suggested that he check it out.
Artie said that Dana makes a great breakfast when she stays over. He said she makes a mozzarella omelet with fresh mozzarella. The guys found that pretty funny for some reason. Howard asked Artie if his mother or Dana is a better cook. Artie quickly said that it was his mother of course. He also said that was like asking who runs faster, him or Michael Jordan. Gary asked if Artie would feel that he'd have to stop his mother from coming to his apartment if he was married to Dana. Artie said that he would stop that and his mother would respect it. Howard told Artie he's got a great set up right now and he shouldn't give it up. He then gave Artie a ''Sophie's Choice'' situation. He told Artie that the Nazis have come to Hoboken and ask him which person he wants to keep alive, his mother or Dana. Artie said that he'd give his mother a half hour to show Dana how to make meatballs and then let them take his mother to the concentration camp. Robin didn't think that Artie was treating the situation truthfully but ARtie said that it was a ''Nazi's come to Jersey'' situation that wasn't exactly something that might be real. Gary asked Artie how his laundry gets done. Artie said he has a Mexican woman who does it for him and she was suggested by a friend of his, not his mother.
Dominick Barbara asked Artie who makes his bed all week long. Artie said he has a cleaning woman who comes in on a Tuesday. His mother does help him out with decorating the apartment though. Howard wondered if his mother comes over and does his dishes. The cleaning woman does that stuff as well and he doesn't have that many dishes to do because he eats out a lot. Gary asked Artie if he talks to his mother every day. He said it's a couple of times a week, he doesn't talk to her multiple times a day like Dominick thought he did. Dominick wanted to bet that his cell phone records would show a different story. Howard thinks that Dominick is right about Artie's mother being Artie's ''wife'' in every way except a sexual way. That's where Dana comes in. Fred played the song that Artie and his mother performed for their big Christmas show last year as they were getting ready to go to break. Howard said if they created a musical starring everyone there, it would be a huge hit. They went to break a short time later.
Artie told a story about a cousin of his who was set up on a date at the age of 11 and when he came home, his uncles asked him if he'd gotten laid yet. When the kid said he didn't get laid the uncles called him a fag. Artie also said that he just got a quick sex talk when he was a kid. Howard said his mother had a talk with him when he was probably 16 years old or so. He said she called him into the bedroom so his father could talk to him. His mother hid in the bathroom while his father had the talk with him. He knew she was there listening to the whole thing. Howard's father asked him if he had any questions about sex without even looking at him. Howard told his father that he knew more than he did and that was it. Howard's friend Robert Carger was the guy who taught Howard about sex. He even let him smell his fingers after he was with a chick. Howard remembers smelling something even though he didn't know what to expect.
Howard talked about the ABC special that aired last night about the American Idol guy who apparently dated Paula Abdul. Howard said that the guy, Corey, is supposed to be on the show tomorrow and he can't wait to talk to him. Robin said she saw the report and it was a great story. Paula was apparently all over the guy. The guy eventually got kicked off the show and Paula's phone calls stopped. Robin said the guy claims that she broke his heart. Now they're saying that they may have to fire Paula because she was with one of the contestants. Howard said it would probably be great for the show if they did fire Paula. It would shake up the show a bit. Gary said there are a bunch of people on that show who have had legal problems but they don't get kicked off the show.
Howard had some audio clips of Paula not making sense on American Idol from last night. She's a judge but she talks about how they shouldn't be critiquing people. Howard said she cried when Constantine was kicked off the show for some reason so Howard figured she must have had her eye on him as well.
Howard read a story about Dave Chappelle and how his Comedy Central show has been shut down for some reason. The show was suspended for some reason but no one is talking about why that is. Howard said that Dave is a real good guy but he stopped coming on the show when he had some success with that show over at Comedy Central. Howard said that they threw the guy like $20 million plus DVD sales and now it seems like he feels that he can't make the show good enough and may be putting a little too much pressure on himself. That led to Howard talking to Artie about the discussion they had yesterday about the movie Artie is going to be making this summer.
Howard was listening to an Aerosmith song yesterday and thought about asking Joe Perry about who wrote it. He couldn't remember the name of the song so he read some e-mail instead. He got a few e-mails about Jim Breuer's appearance on the show yesterday. People seemed to like him on the show yesterday and someone even suggested that he sit in for Artie when Artie is out shooting his movie this summer. Howard said that he talked to the people at SIRIUS and they're thinking about putting Jim on the same channel that they're on so they can find him easier.
Howard remembered the song he wanted to talk to Joe Perry about. In ''Sweet Emotion'' there's a part where the song ''sucks (reversing of the song) backwards'' and he wants to know whose idea that was because he thought it was pretty cool. They played the song and got to the part that Howard was talking about. He said he'd love to know who came up with that idea.
Howard was walking down the street yesterday and saw a homeless guy walking around with a huge shopping cart full of stuff and he was thinking about how awful it would be to be homeless. He said that he can't imagine doing that much work and not just getting a job. Howard said that the guy was working really hard just pushing the cart around. Artie said that he was probably doing more work than they do. Robin said she knew of a bum who actually had a job but he'd beg for money on his way to and from work. She said the guy disappeared at one point and she later found out that the guy was able to retire from all the money he had.
Howard said he got a creepy e-mail from Richard Christy who sent him a picture of a Playmate who has an amazing ass. He said the woman's name is Stephanie Flickinger. Fred said that he'd like to see other pictures of that woman to see if it's her real ass. Howard and Artie seemed to really like her ass and thought it was perfect. Robin wasn't sure it was a ''perfect'' ass or not. Richard came in and told Howard that she's been around for a few years and she may only be on their web site but that ass is perfect. He described it as being like ''two apples.'' Artie and Fred goofed on Richard a little bit about the apple reference.
Howard said he got an e-mail from someone who sent him an article about Richard Christy and how popular he was when he was in his metal band. Howard said that just about any guy who is in a band can get laid but Richard just can't make it happen for some reason. The guys played some of Richard's amazing drum playing and Howard seemed impressed by it. The e-mailer was a guy who is in prison and he said he's going to miss the show once Howard moves to satellite. Richard said that's part of the problem, a lot of the fans of the metal bands are in prison. Richard said that the last time he got laid was back in 2003. He got that chick about 3 or 4 times but that was it. Gary said that they thinks that Richard has gotten to a point where he'd rather be with himself than a real woman. Howard asked Richard a hypothetical question about what he'd do if he had the chance to go out with an ugly chick or be with himself on a Friday night. Richard said that if she's looking that bad, he'd have to get to know her better before he'd sleep with her. Howard said that Richard seems to be totally secure with himself because he can go out to eat at a chinese buffet by himself. Howard said that he could never do stuff like that and he always needed a woman with him. Richard said that he's gotten used to being by himself and he went 10 years without getting laid at one time.
Dan the Song Parody Man came in and said that he was out with a girl the other night and she was telling him how guys who are drummers can go from a 1 to a 10 just because they're in a band. But she also said that Richard wouldn't be one of those guys. Richard said that part of his problem could be his accent. Howard told him that he will eventually get laid. Bobo said that he can't believe that Richard can't get laid just being on the Stern show. Richard said he just doesn't use that kind of thing to get laid. He never did that when he was in the metal band and he doesn't do it with the Stern show thing.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the wacky ideas that Sal has in the meetings they have. Gary and Will were talking about how it seems like Sal has a lot of issues with women. Sal said he doesn't hate women like they think he does. Richard came in and said that Sal watches the angriest porn movies he's ever seen. They talked about one movie that Sal was watching yesterday where the guys in the movie were really humiliating the woman in the movie. Richard said that Sal has a smile on his face the whole time it's on. Sal said that there was one part that he didn't like. It was after the scene was done and the guy in the movie told the chick to go home and tell her son about what she'd just done. That got to Sal for some reason. Sal said he was just about ready to create his ''glaze'' at that point. Howard thought he was about to do that in the room with Richard but Sal said that wasn't the case. He did talk about how he used to go to the porn booths in the city with the guys he was working with on Wall Street. He said they'd go in separate booths.
Ronnie came in and said that he thinks that Sal likes those types of porn because it's like the opposite way he's treated at home. He has a really cute wife according to the guys and she treats him like crap so he likes to see women humiliated in those movies. Sal said he really doesn't hate women and he's not angry at them. You wouldn't know it after hearing the stuff he was saying. Sal told a story about how he wanted to have sex with her on her birthday and she told him that was the one thing she didn't want on her birthday. Sal said they do have good times once in a while. He claims that he just had a good night 2 nights ago. She's not into all of his fetishes though. Howard said it's a shame that the wife is always the last person to know who you really are. Sal said that his wife will complain that he doesn't talk to her enough but when he does start talking to her, she gets pissed off.
Gary said he heard Sal on the phone the other day with his wife and he had her on speaker phone. He said she really can go off on him. Sal said that she will talk about how he's this pervert who likes going to the porn booths on the Howard Stern Show when she's talking to him. He said she doesn't want to be involved with that stuff but he tells her that he isn't asking her to be part of it. Artie was goofing on Sal about going to those booths and doing an impression of an Indian guy at one of those booths. Sal said his wife sometimes tells him that if she had known what she was getting into with him, she never would have married him. He thinks that's a pretty mean thing to say to someone. Sal said he does love his wife and things are all good.
Howard talked about how he had a great set up in his basement when he was married. He said that he had electronic bolts on the door to keep his family out of the basement. He did have a dog door in so his dog could come in though and one time his youngest daughter crawled through it. Luckily he wasn't doing anything in there at the time. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Pat was trying to say that it wasn't really him saying those things. He admitted that he did make the call but that wasn't really him. Dr. Phil eventually asked Pat why he could remember most of the night but couldn't remember the voice mail messages. Pat said it was a low point of the night and he just can't remember it. He doesn't know why he made that call. Artie said that Pat really didn't do anything wrong though. He just got caught on tape, that's the only thing he did wrong. Dr. Phil was pretty brutal while he was talking to Pat about all of that stuff.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the government down in Texas is trying to regulate cheerleading moves now. Howard read about that and said he really wouldn't care if they start regulating everything like that because he's moving to satellite. He said if they keep that up, it's just going to force more people to get pay services like satellite radio.
Howard got back to the Pat O'Brien tapes and said that it seems like Pat isn't even close to being cured. He said he'd play more of it tomorrow. Robin said she wants to see a tape of that show now that she's heard some of the audio. Howard played a couple of bits they created using some of the clips from the show. They had Dr. Phil saying things that he didn't actually say like..
Howard told Beetlejuice that if he's ever in a bad mood, he doesn't have to come in if he doesn't want. Sal asked him if his diaper was too tight. Beetlejuice said he wasn't wearing a diaper today after Howard asked him to show them if he was. Howard asked Beet if he enjoyed his trip to Hollywood with Sal and the guys. Beet didn't care about any of that stuff. He didn't know about the upcoming appearance he had today either. Howard asked Beetlejuice about this idea he has for the Wack Packers where they'd all go in a room and pick a leader just like the Catholic Church did for the Pope. The Wack Packers would be picking a ''Dope'' instead.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about this upcoming Beetle Bash fight he has coming up. Beet said it's all fake and he won't get hurt during it. He'll be at the John Street Grill today from 11 to 1 and then he'll be there again when he does the Beetle Bash thing on May 14th. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he thinks Beet was mad at the E! camera. He shut down when the camera came into the green room when he was talking to Bob Levy. Doug also said that Beet has hemorrhoids. Beet said he didn't have them and he was just joking around about it with Doug earlier.
Howard took a call from someone who had clips of Beetlejuice that they played to create a conversation with the live Beetlejuice. Beet didn't think it sounded like him at all even though they were clips of his voice. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Beet to cheer up. She said she'll be singing the Star Spangled Banner at the Beetle Bash when that happens. Howard hung up on her before she could sing anything today. Howard said he heard that Beet's birthday is on ''May 34th.'' Beet said that's true and he was born in 1936. Howard took another call from a guy (Zolar) who was pretending to be a gay guy, Phil the Fag, and claimed that he was with him last night. Beet said the guy must be out of his mind and ended up cursing at him so Howard had to hang up on the guy.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he had a good appearance today and asked him if he wanted to meet Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert came in a few seconds later even though Beetlejuice said that he didn't care about meeting him. Gilbert asked Beet if he had seen him in ''Problem Child'' or ''Problem Child 2.'' Beet said he didn't see them and he never would. He didn't seem interested in seeing any of Gilbert's projects. Howard told Beet that Gilbert worked with Eddie Murphy but Beet didn't care about that either. Howard had Gilbert do his Afflack Duck impression for Beetlejuice but he didn't care about that either. Howard wondered why Beet didn't like Gilbert because he doesn't like him either. Howard said there's something about Gilbert that people just don't like. Howard said that Gilbert should have been a big star by now but there's something about him that has kept him from that. Howard wondered if it was Gilbert's ''Julius Caesar'' hair cut. Robin asked Beetlejuice if he'll even shake Gilbert's hand when he leaves. Beet said ''No way!'' Gilbert tried to convince Beetlejuice to like him by talking about the movies he's been in and by telling some jokes. Nothing worked. Gilbert told a joke and Beetlejuice said that it was a stupid joke. Nothing was working.
Howard asked Gilbert to do some impressions. He did a couple of impressions including his classic Dracula impression. Beetlejuice still didn't care about him or anything he had to say. Gilbert also did an impression of a guy who played Dr. Frankenstein. Howard asked Beetlejuice what he thought about that, he still didn't care. Howard said that he had his wife Katiejuice on the phone. He picked up the line and it was Zolar doing his female voice. He broke into his deep voice after doing the female voice for a minute. Howard wrapped up with Beetlejuice after that. He gave him another plug for his upcoming Beetle Bash. Gilbert also gave Beetlejuice a joke he can use... it went something like this. ''How do you keep a black man from cashing his welfare checks? ... Hide them in his work shoes.'' Beetlejuice didn't appreciate the free joke so Gilbert gave him one more. ''Did you hear 500 Puerto Ricans died? Their bed collapsed.'' Beetlejuice just kept saying ''Good for you'' over and over again as Gilbert was telling jokes and doing impressions. Gilbert did his impression of Groucho Marx when he was in his older years. Beet said it just wasn't working for him though. Gilbert went through about 5 more impressions but nothing was getting through to Beetlejuice. He did his Andrew Dice Clay, Robin Williams, Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld but Beet's attitude wasn't changing. He just sat there saying ''Good for you.'' Gilbert did his Jackie Mason impression while Beetlejuice was breathing heavy into the microphone. Howard said Gilbert is used to people not liking him. He had to wrap up but Gilbert wouldn't stop with his impressions.
Beetlejuice took off his headphones and started to walk out of the studio. Howard called him back and said he wanted to do a plug for him. You could hear Beet yelling at Gary as he was trying to get out of the studio. Howard said he's never seen Beetlejuice try to run out of there like that before. Howard gave him a couple of plugs and asked Beet to shake Gilbert's hand. Beetle refused to do it and ran out of the studio. Howard wondered why Beetlejuice hated Gilbert so much. He said it's kind of like going to someone's house and their dog doesn't like you. Howard gave Gilbert a plug for a comedy club appearance he has on Monday at the Gothem Comedy Club and a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com. The site is new so Howard wondered what he's done for the site so far. Gilbert had no idea what was on it because he had nothing to do with it. Howard took a break before they got to Robin's news.
Howard had some audio clips of this guy Corey Clark talking about his affair with Paula Abdul on an ABC special that aired last night. He played a few clips and said that the kid is supposed to be on the show tomorrow. Howard said he's going to try and do a graphic interview about his relationship with Paula.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard he's got to check out Gilbert's web site because nothing works and they have some bad information there. The site looks nice but it falls apart immediately. Howard checked out the site and the links weren't working right. Everything on the site is ''under construction'' over there. The site is so new that there's nothing working at all. Howard said it reminded him of a movie set where you think you're looking at a house but there's nothing behind it. Howard had Robin start her news after that. Gilbert stuck around to comment on the stories she brought up.
A woman called in during the news and said she hates Gilbert and feels like she's being tortured this morning just hearing his laugh. She said she's felt this way about him for a long time, ever since she saw him for the first time. Howard took another call from a guy who felt the same way about Gilbert. He hates Gilbert and doesn't think that anyone would buy a DVD if he put one out. Another woman called in and said the same thing. She told Gilbert he sucks and he ruins the news when he's on. She was yelling at him to shut up already. Gilbert just laughed through all of the negative phone calls.
After taking a break Howard took a call from a woman who actually does like Gilbert. She said she finds him to be hilarious. Her phone connection sucked though so they missed out on some of the stuff she was saying. Another guy called in and said that he hates Gilbert and his phone was cutting out as well. That guy said that Joe Piscopo is funnier than Gilbert. Gilbert kept doing his impressions during the news so Artie figured that the one chick who called in earlier must be going completely crazy after hearing all of that stuff. At one point Howard told Robin that they were at ''98 percent.'' Robin asked what the 98 percent meant and he said that it was ''the amount of radios turned off'' thanks to Gilbert. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Howard said he was a bit slow getting to the microphone this morning because he had a lot of tapes in front of him. He said hello to everyone but Benjy after that. Howard mentioned that Jet Li is going to be coming in later in the show. Corey Clark from American Idol will also be in to talk about being with Paula Abdul. Robin said that Paula is denying his claims. Howard thought about having Ed Torian the lie detector guy come in to test the guy but he already believes him. He said that Paula really looks desperate after the report that ran on ABC the other night. Howard talked about how Paula really does look desperate even though Robin doesn't think it's all that bad that she was attracted to a younger man. Howard said that she apparently called the guy and would spend 2 and a half hours on the phone with the guy. Howard also brought up some other things about Paula and how she has it made doing what she's doing on American Idol but she has to go out and jeopardize things by dating one of the contestants on the show. He figures that she'll jump out a window if they fire her from American Idol. Robin said that Paula has been loopy during her whole career and this isn't all that cray for her. Howard and Robin were arguing about her and Howard thought that Robin was kind of agreeing with him even though she was arguing that she wasn't all that crazy. American Idol is the best thing going on in Paula's life right now and she's risked losing that job just to date some guy. Gary said it's kind of funny the way Robin argues sometimes and eventually realizes that her arguments don't make much sense and ends up agreeing with Howard. Howard told Robin that Paula can get men and she doesn't have to date a contestant from the show. He said that would be like him dating on of his interns. It's just wrong.
Howard brought up how there are a couple of contestants on the show who have had legal problems while this kid, Corey, was let go because of legal problems that he didn't disclose. Howard said that puts into question why they kept some of the other contestants while they got rid of this guy. Howard said the whole thing is just whacked out. He maintains that Paula is a desperate woman while Robin is still saying she was just doing what any person would do. Howard hopes to hear what it was like to be with Paula when he questions Corey about it. Artie did his Ed Torian impression and pretended to be doing a lie detector test and asking Corey some questions about Paula.
Howard said that none of the FOX news programs have picked up on this story. They'll go off on every other story as long as it's not about a show on their network which proves that the news programs out there are dishonest. They'll just ignore their own problems. Robin said that Gary convinced her that maybe they really do need to get rid of Paula from American Idol because of this controversy. Howard said it does show that their credibility is gone.
Howard changed subjects and talked to Artie about the Yankees after seeing this medallion they offer in the local paper. They spent a few minutes talking about how the Yanks are in last place right now. Artie was telling Howard about how the team has had some really crappy players over the years and there was one guy that he thought he could even get some hits off of if the guy was pitching to him. Artie also said that there were times that he thought he could beat Sugar Ray Leonard in a fight.
Gary got back to Corey Clark for a couple of minutes and talked about some other things he's heard about him. He also said that he saw that Corey was on another TV show last night being interviewed about this whole Paula Abdul thing. Howard wondered why they're the last ones to get an interview like that. He spent a short time on that and then went to commercial break.
Howard took a phone call but ended up talking over the guy because they were talking about some controversial songs. Robin mentioned that Bruce Springsteen's CD has been banned from Starbucks for some reason. There was also an article about a school banning the song ''Louie Louie'' because there's a line in the song about someone getting laid. Howard said he's convinced radio will go back to the way it was back in the 1950s shortly after he moves to satellite. The phone caller that waited this long ended up asking Howard when he's going to get rid of Robin because she's just a stupid nig***. The guy also told Artie that he must be gay because he likes Bruce Springsteen. Howard agreed with him about the Springsteen thing but not about Robin. The caller did like Howard but that was about it. He told Howard he's going to get a SIRIUS radio as soon as Howard moves over there. Howard and Artie talked about how they really don't have a lot of the same likes and dislikes. Artie said that the only artist that they agree is great is Howard Stern. Howard said that Artie is a man's man because he thinks everything is gay. Cell phones, e-mail and a bunch of other things are all gay. Howard played a song parody they put together using Artie's voice mail where he called in sick and put it to a Springsteen song so it sounded like he was doing his impression of Bruce doing his long talk up for the song.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told him that he's going to follow them over to the new place when they move. He also said that he watched a bootleg copy of the new Star Wars movie. Howard wondered if he could send him a copy. The guy said he didn't like the movie all that much because of the way Darth Vader became Darth Vader. Robin told the guy that she liked the movie though. He said he's a Star Wars fan and he didn't like the story.
Another phone caller asked Howard if he's into the whole ''Girls Gone Wild'' thing. Howard said he doesn't get into that stuff for some reason and has never watched one of the videos. The caller said he watched their Pay-Per-View special the other night and now he wants to go out and buy it because the girls are so hot on those videos. The caller told Howard that he's called in before. He's the guy who was installing cable in Cindy Crawford's house one time and was in her panty drawer. Howard spent a minute with him before getting him off the line so he could take a break before Jet Li came in. He and Robin spent a minute talking about Jet and how Howard would get his ass kicked if he wasn't very respectful of the guy when he comes in. Robin warned him that he has a very heavy accent so it's going to be tough to understand him when he comes in.
Howard asked Jet about living in China and if he can have more than one baby over there. Jet said that he has four kids, 2 in China and 2 over here. He said that the ''one baby'' rule is an old rule that isn't enforced.
Howard and Jet talked about this new movie ''Unleashed'' in which Jet plays a part of a guy who was raised like a dog. He said that Morgan Freeman plays a blind guy who finds him and helps him out. Howard told Jet that he actually speaks English pretty well. He was afraid that they were in for some trouble when he saw his two translators follow him in.
Robin asked Jet to talk about surviving the tsunami he was in a few months back. Jet siad that he was lucky to have survivied. The water only came up to his mouth. He said that he saw the water coming in and ran off with his family and saved them. He said he held one daughter and grabbed the other one when the water came in. Howard was impressed that he was able to survive it at all. Jet is only 5'6'' tall and Howard figures that Jet would be able to kick his ass in a second. Howard asked him if he thinks that he'd be able to beat someone up with just one foot. Jet said he's never had to do that before so he's not sure. Howard was also asking him if it's possible to avoid a bullet. Jet said that's not possible and the guy with the gun always wins.
Howard asked Jet why he doesn't have sex with women in the movies. Jet siad he's just a little bit shy. He has done about 30 movies and he's only had girls kiss him. Howard told Jet how great it was when he did a love scene in his movie ''Private Parts.'' He suggestd that Jet do a love scene, even if they decide to cut out the scene. Howard asked Jet if his female co-star had big boobs. Jet laughed at questions like that. He siad that she was a ''very genuine actress'' when he described her. Howard told Jet that he will go to see this movie just based on the storyline he's heard about.
Howard and Robin asked Jet if he's worth a lot of money. Jet siad he doesn't have a lot of money, his wife has it all. He was doing movies over in China making quite a few movies and he was doing very well over there. Howard read that Jet did one movie that was financed by the Chinese Mafia and they ended up killing his manager for some reason. Jet said he wasn't aware of that until Howard told him about it. Jet said that he just moved back to China becuase his wife wanted their kids to have a Chinese education. Howard seemed to think he was nuts for making that move back there. He gave Jet a plug for his new movie ''Unleashed'' and said that it opens on May 13th. Jet was asked about living in China and if he has a car or if he rides around on a bicycle. Jet said a lot of people have cars over there now. Howard told Jet that he's never had an Asian chick but he'd love to get one. He said he'd like to get a Lucy Liu or someone like that and he'd like to have her walking on his back. Howard started to wrap up the interview and said that this was ''Jet Li'' on the show and called himself ''Home Li.'' Artie told Howard he could call himself ''Ug Li'' too.
Howard took a look at Jet Li's wife afters someone handed him a picture. He then took some phone calls for Jet. ONe guy said that the reason Jet's movies suck is because they too much fake flying and stuff. He said that he should do more straight fighting like Jackie Chan. Another caller told Howard about a movie he saw Jet in from the 90's and it was great. Jet said that he's doing a sequel for that movie right now. Howard gave Jet a couple more plugs for his movie and got ready to end the interview. That's when Benjy grabbed a microphone and started to talk about the Human Rights Violations that are going on over in China. He said there's some pretty heavy duty stuff going on over there. Howard wondered why Benjy was on the microphone and told him to get off and leave his guest alone. He was just there to talk about a movie, not about the Chinese culture. Howard ended the interview right after that.
Howard brought up Dave Chappelle's show being canceled. They talked about it yesterday but there was another article in the paper today saying that Dave might be in some kind of treatment program. Howard doesn't know what's going on with Dave but he may feel a lot of pressure from this show of his because it was such a huge hit. He said that Dave didn't expect it to be the hit that it was and now he's got a lot of pressure on him.
Howard read an article about how the fake Arnold Schwarzenegger fooled Joe Scarborough on The Scarborough Report. Joe went off on the real Arnold after reading an article about the comments that the impersonator made on Howard's show. They thought it was the real Arnold making comments about getting rid of the moon to get rid of the tides and women's menstrual cycles. Howard said they're very proud of that whole thing.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Dave Chappelle had just recently converted to be a Muslim and now he's got problems with some of the stuff that he's shot for his own show. Howard read through more of the article he had about Dave. He said that religion can really confuse people. He said that the recent ''runaway bride'' was all freaked out by her fiancee because he got all religious and refused to have sex with her until they were married. He played a clip of him talking about how their relationship is still ''pure'' because they haven't had sex yet.
Howard played a bunch of other clips from the DVD and some of it was pretty boring. Gary said that in one clip Andrea goes to a psychic and the psychic tells her that she might be psychic herself. Andrea says that she kind of knew that already. That was pretty funny to the guys. They got a couple of good laughs out of that. Howard said he could see buying this DVD and having a party where people watch it and make fun of it.
Howard said that they have a bunch of things they could get to today. He was thinking about asking Sal a bunch of questions about whether or not he's addicted to porn. He decided not to do it though. He had some other bits and stuff that he was going to play. The first thing he did was play Sal and Richard jerking Gary the Retard around on the phone when he called in recently. He's played it a bunch of times already but the call is pretty funny. They had Gary yelling and whispering his name, getting all pissed off. Sal would also ask Gary what his name is and hit a button on the phone as he was saying it. Howard said that goes on all day over there. Sal took some clips of Rosie O'Donnell's retarded character and called Gary with those. Gary complained about ''the intern'' who jerked him around the last time he called in. Sal told Gary he was going to put him on with Rosie from Human Relations and ended up playing the clips of Rosie's retarded character. Gary told her his complaints and wondered what was going on when the retarded Rosie was yelling at him. Howard said that Gary will be on the show soon when they have the Wack Packers in to elect a new head ''Dope'' just like a Pope is picked.
Howard was told that Corey Clark was there so he got ready to bring him in. Gary told Howard that Corey was pulling some voice mail messages that he had on his machine from Paula. He wasn't sure if they were new or not though. Howard played a clip of Clay Aiken talking about how he can't believe that this ever happened. Howard said that Clay just can't believe that a guy had sex with a girl. There was another American Idol contestant, Carmen Rasmusen, who thinks that Corey is lying. Corey's ex-manager is also saying that Corey is a liar. Howard said they'll talk to Corey about all of that when they get back from break.
Robin said there are teachers out there having sex with students as well and there are a lot of crazy people out there. Corey talked about how Paula's friend was the person who handed him her number. Howard said that Corey was busted for passing bad checks but Corey said he just bounced a couple of checks and paid them off so he never really got in trouble for that. He was kicked off the show because of that and another charge while there are people who are still on the show who have been convicted of crimes that are much more serious than what Corey has done. Corey talked about how the American Idol producers kind of rushed them into signing contracts after saying that they were going to pay for the lawyers who were going to look over the contracts for them. He said that was a conflict of interest and that didn't help matters. Howard asked Corey when he started getting laid. Corey said he's been getting hit on since the age of 5 but he started getting laid around 14. He said that he had babysitters who came on to him and he did mess around with them. Corey said his babysitter asked him if he'd ever seen a naked chick. He said no and told her he didn't wan to see a naked chick but she showed him anyway.
Howard moved on to talk about the first time Corey hooked up with Paula. Corey said she sent him a limo and had him come over to her house in Van Nuys. Corey said she was wearing jeans and a shirt just like someone would be wearing after a regular day. Corey said she looks pretty good for her age and he doesn't think she's had any plastic surgery. Corey said she talked to him about the problems she was having with the show at the time. Corey said she was advising him on what to do and not to do on the show and he didn't get to have sex for about a month. Corey said he used a condom with her a couple of times but he also did her bare back. Howard said it would be pretty funny if he knocked her up doing that. Corey said he just did the ''follow through'' method. Howard told Corey that John Stamos got Paula. Corey went on to tell Howard about how Paula and he got into her jacuzzi tub at one time and watched some TV together the night they finally did it. Howard wondered if there was any cellulite on that ass of hers. Corey told Howard there isn't any and she looks really good. He said her boobs seem to be real and look good. He said they're not ''perky'' but they look nice. Howard asked him if she makes noise in bed. Corey said she's pretty quiet so Howard said that he needs a woman to make noise in bed for him. Fred played some Taylor Rain clips where she's moaning ''Oh Yeah!'' over and over again. Corey said he did try the third input with Paula but not the first time. Paula isn't into that though so she told him to back off.
Howard asked Corey some questions that ended up getting censored out. He also asked Corey about the people who are saying that this stuff is all just to get some publicity. Corey said he thinks that the producers over there knew that he was trouble so they threw him off during the first season tryouts. He changed his look and lied about his career to get picked for the next time he tried out. He was trying to help out some of the other contestants with lawyers and stuff and that's when he got kicked off. He was also saying that some of the people from American Idol commenting on this story didn't know what was going on and they had no way of knowing.
Gary came in and asked Corey about how Paula is trimmed down below. He figured that she had a landing strip and Corey confirmed that. He was also saying that he read in the paper that the FBI can confirm the phone calls that Paula was making to him because of the Patriot Act. They apparently had her name flagged accidentally and had tracked the calls she made to him. Howard asked Corey about the seduction and how Paula followed through on that. Corey said she tested the water by giving him a little kiss while they were in the car one time. Two nights later they were in bed together. He said that he had her about two times that first night they were together. He said he wore a rubber on that first night. Gary asked him if there was any dirt that he could share with them. Corey said that Paula did tell him stuff but nothing that he could confirm. Gary also asked Corey if Paula drinks his ''protein shakes.'' Corey said that she does do that and she enjoyed his ''protein shake.'' Fred played some gagging porn clips after hearing that. Howard said that they have to send this kid out to do some more celebrities so he get give them some dirt on them.
Howard gave Corey a plug for his book ''They Told Me To Tell The Truth so...'' which is available at CoreyClark.com. He then played one of the voice mail messages that Paula left for Corey on his answering machine. She was telling Corey to ignore the press who were apparently trying to find out more about their relationship. He also had a phony message they created using Wendy the Retard who was pretending to be Paula. Gary said that they had a bunch of questions for Corey from back in the office. He asked Corey if he ever saw Paula taking any drugs or pills or anything. Corey said that she was on some pain pills and he did smoke some weed with her. He said she was also drinking some cocktails. Corey said that he doesn't do any drugs other than the weed so they didn't do anything else together. Howard started to wrap up the interview and talked about how Paula is going to blow her job on American Idol because of this stuff. He compared this whole thing to Pat O'Brien's voice mail messages. He said there are certain things you don't do when you're a celebrity and what Paula did is one of them. Artie asked Corey if he thought that he could get Robin in bed within a week or so. Corey said she might take a month because she seems kind of sophisticated.
Howard gave Corey a couple of plugs for his book and for his CD that will be out on June 21st. He also played one of Corey's songs which was about his relationship with Paula. Ralph Cirella called in after that and said that this guy Corey is a dick because he's going out talking about all of this stuff. Howard said that this kid was kicked off the show and is being painted as a criminal while they keep others on the show who really are felons while Corey didn't commit any felonies. Corey is also saying that he was let go from the show because of his relationship with Paula and now they're trying to make him look bad. Corey said that he's been forced to come out with all of this stuff because he believes that the people from American Idol are trying to take away his livelihood. Ralph doesn't believe that they even care about this kid anymore but Corey says that they still compare him to other contestants who are real criminals even though he was never convicted of a crime. Howard asked Corey about Paula's feet. Corey said she's got some nice feet and the most he did with them was massage them. He didn't decorate them or anything like that. Howard asked him if he ate any food off of her or did blow off her ass. Corey said he didn't do anything like that. Howard wrapped up the interview after playing a little more of Corey's song about Paula.
Howard and the guys spent a minute talking about Paula Abdul and how the tabloids will probably take all of the details from Corey's interview and not credit Howard for getting them out of him. Mike Walker was on the line so he told Robin that they will credit Howard for anything like that. Howard said it's not the Enquirer that steals his interviews, it's The Globe. Howard moved on to Mike's weekly Gossip game after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Jim about going to the porn booths like Sal the Stockbroker does. Jim said he used to go to a place in South Jersey that was a strip club where you could pick a stripper and beat one out to her. He said that it was a buck a minute and there was a clock in the room that you could watch so you could try to ''beat the clock.'' Howard gave Jim a plug for some shows he's doing this weekend where he'll be recording his comedy CD. You can find out more about that at ComedyCabaret.com or JimFlorentine.com. Howard had to take a break after that before getting to Robin's news.