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Howard started off the show talking about how quick the heat works in the studio. It was cold in there when he got there so he asked them to turn up the heat and it was already warm when he got on the air. Scott the Engineer came in and told Howard that he had the air conditioning shut off and the heat from the lights warmed up the studio that quick. He said he'd turn it back on for them.
Howard didn't do anything over the weekend because he was still sick. He still had a little bit of a problem with his voice this morning. He said he did go to see a play over the weekend though. The play is called ''Slag Heap'' and his movie wife's husband had something to do with it. He said the theater was nice and the play was actually very good. There was a little bit of nudity in the play and some of it was a dude's ass that he didn't want to see. Robin said she once saw a play in which Jude Law got naked and she was sitting right in the front row looking at him. Fred said that he saw that and thinks that he should have been called Judy Law after showing his tiny package. Howard said the kid who showed his ass in ''Slag Heap'' looked like he was popping a rod a couple of times during the play. He was standing in his underwear and that may have been turning him on for some reason. Howard reminded Robin about Gary getting aroused on stage one time when he was announcing at some event they were at. Gary thought he was standing on the side of the stage but Howard told him he was announcing up there. Robin said there was one time that Gary kept getting bigger and bigger at a limbo contest. Gary asked Howard if he has that much control that he can stop an arousal from coming up. Howard said he can't get aroused in front of a big crowd like Gary can. Gary said that it wasn't at church so it wasn't that big of a deal. Robin said they don't know that he wouldn't get aroused at church though.
Howard and Robin talked about this guy, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who might become the next Pope and how he used to be a Nazi. Howard said that he was part of the Hitler Youth and was a guard at one of the concentration camps. The guy claims that he was forced into all of that stuff so he's got an excuse. Howard said that Pope John Paul II was known for making peach with the Jews. If this new guy gets in, that might be tough to keep up. Howard read that he's pretty intense.
There are also discussions about where Ross is going to have his bachelor party. They're are discussions about going to some weird place like Iceland to throw his bachelor party. Howard wondered how all of these guys can get that time off to do stuff like that. He knows that Ross can somehow make that happen. He also thinks that the marriage won't last more than 3 years because no one can live with Ross for that long. Gary said that Ross' fiancee is pretty good with him though. He said she seems to know how to handle his moods and stuff.
Gary said he and Sal were talking about Ross on the way to the airport the other day and Sal was telling him that the girl will always change once they get married. Howard said that Gary's wife changed a lot when they got married. Gary told him that she seems to be changing back to what she used to be and she seems to like him again. Howard and Gary talked about how it would be nice to be in a marriage where your spouse makes her own money so you don't feel that you're the only one supporting it.
Artie was staying quiet during the whole marriage discussion so Howard asked him how his relationship with Dana is going. Artie said it was funny he asked because they were just talking about it over the weekend. He said if they did get married they'd have to buy another house because his condo isn't all that big. He said he needs a lot of space. He said they feel like they can be together for long periods of time... like a weekend at a Four Seasons hotel. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Benjy found some interesting stuff on the web. He found a personal ad that a woman placed where she talks about being depressed and how she still lives at home at the age of 38. Howard said that he wouldn't be looking for someone like that if he was trying to find a date. There was another woman who was on the show and claimed that Howard was in love with her. She had this personal ad but you have to pay to talk to her. Benjy said that he could call her and try to get her on the air. He went out to the green room to make the call. Howard didn't want to pay the $200 fee though.
Howard cut right into the discussion they had on Friday as they were wrapping up the show. Here's an excerpt of that discussion from the MarksFriggin.com archives:
Sal said that Gary asked him to call Sean (Beet's manager) and remind him to pack extra diapers for Beetlejuice. Sal said he was so embarrassed to ask him to do that. He laughed his ass off as he was telling the story. Sal also said that when Beet crapped himself in Bob's car, he blamed High Pitch Eric even though Eric wasn't in the car. Gary heard that and said that he's definitely going to rent a car this weekend. Sal was telling the guys that Beetlejuice will walk into a non-smoking hotel room and light up his cigarette as soon as he walks in. Howard said he must just be lazy if he knows how to smoke but still makes a mess in his pants.
Gary said that Bob Levy wrote him some jokes for this weekend. He's got about 2 minutes worth of material to use when he goes up on stage this time. Usually he has nothing to say. Howard asked Sal what he's going to do if Beetlejuice craps himself on the flight out there. Sal said he has no idea. Levy apparently told him that he's not going to sit next to him because he's had to put up with that stuff in the past. Sal told another story about Beetlejuice sitting in his diaper in the hotel room watching American Bandstand one time. He said it was a funny sight. Sal was laughing his ass off as he told some of the stories about what goes on when they go off and do these shows together. Sometimes Beetle will just get up and walk away and vanish for a while. Howard wondered why the E! guys aren't following them around. They'll go to every strip club opening but they don't think about doing this stuff. Doug from E! came in and said that they'd go if he knew about it before hand. This was the first he was hearing of it.
Howard seemed fascinated by the story and continued to ask Sal about what goes on with Beet right up until 11 o'clock. Gary said that they're going to be flying in tonight and have to drive from the airport to the hotel out in L.A. and Beetlejuice might be sitting there in a dirty diaper. Howard said that Beet will probably have to pee four or five times on that flight. Howard said he might have to go see this himself. Artie said he was almost part of that show. He had other things going on though. Gary said he'd tell Howard about all of this stuff on Monday. He said he knows there's going to be a commotion on the flight out there. He's going to be in business class trying to sleep and he figures he's going to wake up in the middle of the flight and they'll be there screwing around with Beetlejuice. Howard ended the show right around 11am.
After the replay Howard wondered what was up with the bleeping of the word ''crap'' during that replay. Robin said she said that she said the word bathroom and they bleeped it for some reason. Howard said they even bleeped the word ''feces'' and he couldn't believe that either. He said they just bleep everything there now even if it's not offensive. Howard got in a quick plug for tonight's E! show and then went to break.
Gary said he sat in the front of the plane and didn't hear a thing on the whole flight out there. Sal the Stockbroker sat next to Beet on the plane. He said one guy ended up covering up his face with his book so he wouldn't have to see or talk to Beetlejuice. Sal said Beetlejuice didn't go to the bathroom on the airplane. He must have been wearing a diaper on the plane. Gary said they got to the airport in L.A. and he told Sal to take Beet to the bathroom before they left. Beet went and he was fine so they went to the hotel. Everything was fine and Beetlejuice was really quiet for some reason. Beet behaved when they went out to dinner though. They went to a really nice place and it actually went over okay. Gary said that they ordered some food and Beet was so quiet that he hardly knew that he was there at the table. They did their comedy gig that night. Sal said there was a hot chick there who ended up sucking on Beet's tongue after having a few drinks.
Beetlejuice was on the phone a short time later so Howard talked to him. Beetlejuice said he was mad at Gary for a little while but he seems to be okay now. Beetlejuice said that he doesn't wear a diaper and goofed on Gary's lips. Howard asked him if he held it in when he flew out to L.A. Beet said that he did hold it in and went once they got off the plane. Beetlejuice said that he doesn't need a diaper and Gary has a lot of nerve talking about him with those big lips of his. Gary said he heard that Beet may have had an accident over the weekend but Beet just kept goofing on Gary's big lips. Sal said that Beet did have a diaper on the airplane but Beetle insists that he didn't. He had to help Beet get cleaned up after he used his diaper. Howard let Beetlejuice go after that. He gave him a plug for his web site before hanging up... JollyDwarf.com
Howard had some audio of Sal trying to get Beetlejuice cleaned up so they can go out to dinner. Beet said he was all cleaned up and insisted that he didn't need no f'n diaper. Sal tried to look in Beet's bag for more diapers but Beetle busted him and flipped out on him again. There was also a clip of Beetlejuice saying that he thought they were in Florida when they were really in Los Angeles. They took Beetlejuice to their first appearance on Saturday afternoon. Beetlejuice was just hanging out while Sal was drawing pictures of Gary. Sal said he was afraid to look up at the people that were there to see Gary. Howard played some audio of the crowd goofing on Sal yelling ''Homo, Homo... '' over and over again. There was some audio of Beetlejuice trying to read the names off the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was just guessing and said ''Howard Stern'' when he was looking at Jerry Lewis' name. Beetlejuice also went off on Gary's lips and teeth at one point.
Limo Mike called in and said that Beetlejuice was the worst he's ever been that day. Mike drove Beet to drop him off with Bob Levy that morning and he had to warn Bob that Beet was in pretty bad shape that morning. Gary said that no one really cares enough to keep an eye on Beetlejuice. He got up one morning and Beetlejuice was out of his room on his own just hanging out. He said that the night they did the comedy show the back stage area was really small and the stink coming from Beetlejuice was pretty bad. He said it didn't smell like doody, it smelled like a skunk. Sal says that's Beet's bad breath that smells like that.
Howard had more audio clips of Beetlejuice going off on Gary. Beetlejuice was telling Gary that he doesn't wear a diaper so Gary asked him to pull his pants down. Beet did that and was standing there naked while they were back stage. Howard had audio of Gary doing some stand up comedy. Bob wrote him a bunch of jokes. Gary wanted to pay Bob for the jokes but Bob wouldn't take the money from him. The jokes were pretty funny but the crowd just didn't seem to be into it right away. Howard and Robin thought it was pretty funny though. Gary thought Howard was going to goof on him about it. Howard was laughing and Robin told him he was actually good. He told some jokes about Sal's make up, Richard's whacking off and his own smoking. Gary said that he didn't do as well in the second show so he cut out a bunch of jokes. Robin told him he was good though. Gary said he can't do that stuff because he feels like he's going to vomit when he's up on stage like that.
Gary told Howard about how they went to a party and Ron Jeremy was there. A couple of chicks wanted to have their picture taken with Ron so Sal pulled down his pants and gave him a Roman Helmet. Every time they said that term they had the delay hit on them though. The discussion was all chopped up because of that. Doug Goodstein said there was a lot of hijinks going on out there. Sal said Beetlejuice was falling asleep in the car on the trip to the casino so they ripped up some paper and put it on his face. They also stuck some paper to his face and made him look like a walrus. Sal said he didn't even realize it was there when he woke up. Doug said the next morning Beetlejuice was dozing off but he'd keep waking up and his eyes would be opened wide as if someone had just hit him or something. They got all of this stuff on tape too. Sal told a couple more stories about Beetlejuice getting some special needs help. He also told a story about the woman at the gate in the airport asking Beet to take his shoes off. He responded that she should take her shoes off. Doug said all of that stuff was great but they can't shoot video in the airport. Gary said that Beetlejuice was at the appearance out there in California and he wouldn't talk to anyone. He also has a lot of tears that run down his face during the day and they dry on his face in a weird way so it looks like war paint at the end of the day.
Gary said there was some really hot chicks back stage at the comedy show and they were making out with each other thanks to Sal pushing them into it. Sal told Howard there was a lot of funny stuff like Beetlejuice dancing and some other stuff. Howard said he was getting burnt out on all of this stuff so he wrapped up the discussion and went to break a short time later.
Howard gave Aspen a plug for this video that she's appearing in. You can find out more about that at VIPFreeVideo.com (Click to get Free Videos! Click Here). Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that she had a bikini that she was going to model. Howard had her take off her clothes so they could see that. She stripped down and then Howard brought in this homeless guy Joe who was going to play their game. He had the chance to win $25,000. All he had to do was play a game of High/Low. Howard spent a minute talking to the guy about all of his missing teeth. Howard thought the guy looked like he was in his 20s but the guy is actually 58. Howard wondered why guys like this hang around in the New York area and don't move down to a warmer climate. Joe asked Howard if he wanted to know more about being homeless. He told Howard that he wasn't allowed to go home anymore because his wife kicked him out. That's why he's homeless now.
Howard told Joe what he had to do in this game. He said that Aspen was going to turn over cards and he had to guess whether the next card was going to higher or lower. Joe caught a glimpse of Aspen and fell in love with her right away. He told them they could keep all of the cards and he was going to take her. Howard told him that he had to stay away from her though. The first card was a Queen so Joe guessed that the next one would be lower. He won $100 from that so Howard told him he could take that and walk away or play for $500 on the next one. Joe decided to go on and guessed that the next one would be lower. It came up as a 2 and he got it. Howard told him that he could play the next one and win $1000. Joe just wanted to take the $500. Howard convinced him to play again. He knew it was going to be higher and he won the $1000 when it came up a 6. Joe decided to stop at $1000. Howard told him he could win $5000 if he played for the next one. Joe said he knows it'll be higher but didn't want to lose the money. He didn't play but he would have won because the next card was a Jack. Howard told him he won the $1000. Howard said the money was courtesy of PartyPoker.net.
Joe says that he's going to give 90 percent of the money to his kids and he'll keep the other 10 percent. Howard let him go a short time later. Aspen told Howard that she was kind of scared at one point when Joe almost went after her. Howard said they had a lot of money left to play with so he was going to try and get Aspen to play. The only catch was that she had to take her top off if she got any wrong. She didn't want to play even though she had the chance to win $20,000. She said she wanted to keep her integrity. Gary said that Aspen wants to be in Playboy and Howard has connections so he might be able to help. Gary told her that they could get pictures of her to the guy who got Jillian Grace in the magazine as Miss February. Howard told her she could play the game and quit at any time.
Howard started the game and turned over a card. The first card was a 4. He told her that she could win $500 if she got the first one right. She didn't want to do it so Howard raised the money to $1000 for the first card. Aspen still wasn't sure about it but she seemed to be getting closer to taking a guess. Howard had Gary put on a birka while they were playing so his face wouldn't distract people when they put this on TV. Aspen thought about it and eventually broke down and agreed to play but then changed her mind. Howard had them turn the next card over and it was a 5. She blew that one so Howard decided to give her another chance. The card was a 5 so Artie told her that the odds say that the next one should be higher. She decided not to play and blew the money again. She could have been up to 10,000 by this point if she had just played. Sal came in with a good idea. He suggested that she put on a t-shirt and if she gets any wrong, they spray the shirt with a super soaker and wet it down. She was thinking that might not be that bad of an idea. She broke down and agreed to do it.
Howard had Aspen take off her bikini top from under the t-shirt so they could already kind of see through it. Howard told her she had an 8 on the board. She was playing for $1000. Aspen was still thinking about not playing. Howard told her she was just going to get wet down a little. She finally agreed to play and won the $1000 when the next card turned out to be a 6. Howard told her that she could play for $5000 if she agreed to take her top off if she got it wrong. Ralph called in and asked why she was even there. She should just agree to take her top off or get out of the studio. Another guy called in and said the same thing. He told Howard that he should either get her out of there or get her to play. Howard had them turn over the next card to show her how she just lost the chance at $20,000. Howard showed her the next cards and they were both aces. She had a lock on all of that money. Gary mixed up the cards again and turned over yet another card. She had a 7 on the board but Howard told her that she had to take her top off if she got it wrong. She guessed that the next card would be higher but didn't want to play. The next card was a king, then a jack and she blew it once again. She could have had that money if she'd just played. Howard decided to wrap up after that. He went to break and said that it was a very disappointing game.
Ralph called back in and said that Aspen really was hot. She was just about topless in the studio already so she really should have just taken her top off. Ralph thought she was a stripper but Howard told him that she wasn't one. Artie said that they should call her a ''future stripper'' because that's what she'll probably end up doing.
Howard had some audio clips of Kathie Lee Gifford talking to Tony Danza on his morning show. She was bragging about how she used to talk about her kids on Regis' show all the time and people didn't seem to like her doing that. She thought that people didn't like her kids, she didn't realize that it was her. Howard also had an audio clip of Kathie Lee doing a TV show with her daughter Cassidy. Howard said it seems like she really wants her kids in show business and she's willing to do just about anything to get them on.
Howard had Robin start her news but interrupted her with a new Billy Mira as David Lee Roth prank call. Billy called a guy about a used car he was trying to sell. The guy kept hanging up on him because he was in his car on a cell phone. The guy had no idea who David Lee Roth was and just kept hanging up on Billy every time he tried to get some info about the car. Howard thought it was funny how no one seems to know who David Lee Roth is. He had Robin get back to her news after that.
King of All Blacks called in during the news and said he and some friends saw him in some italian restaurant when they were walking down the street on Friday night. Howard said that they were at the place with Beth and Mary McCormack. King also mentioned that his girl may be pregnant again because she just missed her period recently. They have a 2 month old kid right now so this would be his second if she actually is pregnant. Howard had Robin wrap up her news and ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show complaining about the hours he has to work. Artie changed subjects and brought up the Yankees win last night. He said that Steinbrenner must have changed their tune after freaking out on the team after an 8 game losing streak. Howard brought up a story about a Boston fan who lost his season tickets after taking a swipe at a foul ball that a player went after. The guy ended up hitting the player in the face and now he's lost his season tickets. Artie thought that was a little extreme and maybe they should have just suspended the guy from coming to games for a certain amount of time. Howard thought it was right for them to take the guy's tickets away.
Howard said that there's a picture of Kelly Ripa in a bikini in the NY Post today on page 11, and she looks really hot. Howard said she's got 3 kids but he'd hit that hard... Hit it hard and running and he'd be done in about 10 seconds. He thought that her body looked killer. She is a little short for him but he didn't seem to care too much. Howard said he loves her but that love may come from the fact that she replaced Kathie Lee Gifford.
Howard talked about how his name was all over the news yesterday and he didn't even do anything. Martha Stewart signed with Sirius radio so every article mentioned his name along with hers. Howard said he likes that Martha is going over there. He's a fan of her magazine. He said he also likes Oprah's magazine. Beth buys the magazine once in a while and he reads it. Robin thought that was pretty funny and wondered if he's too embarrassed to go to the newsstand and get it himself. Howard said he'd rather buy gay porn than Oprah's magazine.
Howard played some audio from a news program where they reported Martha Stewart going to Sirius but they say that she's ''teaming up'' with Howard Stern which doesn't make any sense. Howard said that they'll be able to go over to her studio and hang out with her when they make the move over there. After playing the audio clip, Howard said that they should just give everyone a channel over there. He said that someone like Robert Blake or OJ Simpson should get a channel. The only problem is that you need a whole team to run the shows over there.
Howard said he forgot to put in his plastic retainer last night and now his teeth are hurting. He said the retainer actually stops his teeth from grinding and now he's learned his lesson. He also talked about how Beth told him she was horny last night but he ended up falling asleep after watching Fear Factor. He said that he's still recovering from a cold so that was another reason he didn't do anything with her last night. He played some more audio clips about Martha joining Sirius but every report had his name right there with Martha's. One of the reporters was the singer from Sugar Ray, Mark McGrath, and that still baffles both Howard and Robin. Howard said he read that Mark was seen making out with Jillian Barberie recently and that pisses him off for some reason. Howard said that Jillian has told him that she'd sleep with him and he'd like to try that out to see what's going on with her. He said he'd like to find out what she can do with that mouth of hers. Artie said one thing she can do is annoy guys with that mouth. Howard said he can put up with a lot if the chick is hot. Robin thinks that Howard would kill her if he couldn't talk because she was talking too much. She thinks Howard would kill her if he was dating her.
Howard said that one woman who doesn't shut up is Drew Barrymore. She was on the Tonight Show recently and she just didn't shut up. He played a clip of her rambling on and on about nothing important. Howard said that she's really annoying. Leno asked Drew about her day and what she does first thing in the morning. Howard ended up goofing on Drew's ramblings for a couple of minutes. He also talked about how bad ''Charlie's Angels 2'' was. He said that Demi Moore isn't hot anymore and he thinks she's starting to look like him. Her hair is too long and her face is too thin. Robin thinks that he's be all befuddled if she came in there. He said he probably would because she does look pretty good for her age. He made the mistake of watching ''Ghost'' over the weekend and that's when she was still hot. He was also talking about Farrah Fawcett and how she's not hot anymore either. That led to Howard talking about a reality show with another former hot chick. He said that she had to have teeth implanted because she ruined the teeth after vomiting for years because she was bulimic. He wasn't interested in watching that show either.
Howard mentioned that they have a contest today where they're going to be taping something to High Pitch Eric's nuts and people have to limbo underneath and grab the hanging stuff from his balls. Howard gave credit to Kidd Chris who tried the game out on his show and suggested to Howard that he try it.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Howard how Jason goes to Scores and takes pictures and then ends up putting the worst ones up on the site. Ronnie said he creeps some of the girls out over there because he just stares at them while he's there. Howard changed subjects and asked Ronnie where his new limo is. He hasn't talked about it for a long time but he didn't like the giant Escalade that Ronnie got last year. They have a new one on order but Ronnie said that he thinks that they don't like them anymore. The car was due on April 5th but it still hasn't shown up. Howard said he's tired of waiting and he wants his car. Ronnie said he thinks that they're upset because they tried to make the other car right for Howard and it just didn't happen. Ronnie told Howard that the car wasn't started on the date that they were supposed to start it so that's delayed it a little bit. Howard told him to call the guy and ask him where the car is and report back to him because he's getting pissed off.
Captain Janks called in with an F, Marry, Kill game for Howard but it fell apart as soon as he gave him the names Artie, Tom Chiusano and Benjy. Howard told him it was a poorly formed game and ended up hanging up on him. He jokingly said that he would F Tom Chiusano, Marry Artie and kill Benjy as he went into break.
There were more audio clips from news programs that reported on Martha Stewart's move to Sirius along with Howard. Howard said he still can't figure out why they mentioned his name with hers but he's happy to get the publicity. He said he's always amazed at what the news programs find fascinating. He said he's seen Martha at a couple of parties over the years but hasn't spoken to her all that much.
Howard said that he was invited over to this charity event last night where they had given a townhouse to let a bunch of decorators do their own rooms. He and Beth went over there but it was a black tie event and everyone there was blue bloods. Howard showed up in jeans and the looks on some of the women's faces were horror. Howard said he heard one woman sigh when she saw him walk in. He said he thought it was kind of funny but he did feel like he was Frankenstein or something. He said some of the old guys were checking out his woman though so he enjoyed that. He said he can't be liked by everyone, oh well. Artie told Howard his fans were waiting to come in to pull stuff off of High Pitch Eric's balls.
Howard played a prank call they did a couple of weeks ago to a guy using clips of Richard Simmons from his book on tape. After the call Howard played some audio from Live with Regis and Kelly where they were interviewing Kathleen Turner who sounds an awful lot like a man these days. Robin said that they should get clips from her old movies and compare them to the new tape. Howard and Fred did their Herman Munster impressions as they were goofing on Turner's manly voice. They did that for a minute but Howard had to take another break. Before he took the break he played some phony Dr. Phil clips where he was talking about being with young boys and stuff like that. The delay was hit at least three times during that bit though.
Howard said that since he's leaving in 8 months, there are a ton of deejays trying to get jobs on his stations around the country. Mancow Mueller is on of the guys trying to get a job by saying that he's not really a shock jock because he was told to do the things that made him seem like he was. He says he was forced to do the bits that he used to do. Now he's saying that he's not the person people think he is and he's a changed man. Howard said that seems to mean that you can tell him to do just about anything. There's also this guy Star on 97.1 in New York City and he's claiming that he didn't like doing the things he used to do on his show. David Hinkley wrote the article and pointed out that these guys seem to be just trying to get Howard's spot on stations. Howard said Mancow seems to be the most desperate guy to get his spot. Howard said that these guys will suck anyone's ass to get a job. Howard said that all of the bits he's ever done, he's done on his own.
Another caller told Howard that he knows just how this guy is feeling because he went through something similar. He was able to get through it by drinking a lot of alcohol. That caller said that it was almost like being with a dude because the woman is bald. Howard talked to the first guy and said that he should have just banged a chick and not told his wife about it. She doesn't need to be upset by something like that. Howard let a few more callers through to yell at the guy. Most of the people didn't sympathize with him about it. The guy ended up asking one of the women who called in what she looked like and if she wanted to hook up. She sounded kind of offended by that question and ended up putting her friend on the phone. Howard took some more phone calls and one guy said that this woman is going to suffer through the cancer and then she may have to go through a divorce when this guy cheats on her. The caller says that he's not going to get a divorce, his wife is too weak to go through something like that.
King of All Blacks called in and said that it's not the guy's fault that his wife got cancer, it's her fault. He said that it should be okay for this guy to have sex with another woman. He told the guy that the only mistake he made was telling his wife about wanting to do it. Howard wondered if this guy is going to be able to make it through the chemotherapy without having sex with another woman. Robin told the guy that he might want to leave his wife out of the decision about whether or not to have sex with another woman. The guy admitted that he looks kind of like Artie so he's not the best looking guy around. He said he really does want his wife to get better but he still has those needs that she just can't help him out with. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that this guy has to stand by his wife and at least go to the hospital with her. The guy said that he can't go because he has a phobia about the place though. Howard told the guy that he should just suck it up and have sex with his bald wife. The guy says he just can't do that though. Another guy called in and said that this guy is out of control and he has no idea what his wife is going through. The guy said that his wife's mother probably hates him now because of all of this stuff. He can't help that though and doesn't seem to care much about that. He just wants to be able to sleep with another woman while his wife is sick. Howard let him go after a 20 minute discussion. He had to go to break after that.
Howard brought in Eddie, Tom and Rich who were going to play for $1000 each. Howard changed his glasses but Eric told him not to put them on because he looks good in regular glasses. Howard said that's just another reason to put the sunglasses on. Howard asked Eddie if he was really willing to pull a card off of Eric's balls while doing a limbo under Eric. He had Eric show the guys where the card was and then let the guys think about it for a minute. Tom said that he's out of work so he'll do what he has to do to make some money. Rich said that this was worse than being in a Bally's men's room where he's apparently seen some gay guys hanging out. Rich said he'd rather take the card off of Howard's balls but that's not going to happen. All three of them seemed to be up for the challenge so Howard had Eric remove his shirt so the guys could get the full effect. He also had him turn around and show his big, fat ass.
Eddie was up first. He had to try and limbo under Eric's balls and take the card off his balls with his teeth. Everyone sounded pretty disgusted by it. Gary said that Eddie's lips touched Eric down there when he grabbed the card. Howard said he didn't want to talk about that. Eric said that it hurt when he pulled the hair down there. Tom was up next but he was having second thoughts about it. He kept asking them if they were serious about it. Of course they were. Tom didn't think he'd be able to do it with this teeth but he was down below just hesitating. He touched the card with his hand at one point but that almost got him disqualified. He did get it done after a couple of minutes though. Next up was Rich who was also having second thoughts. Howard told him he could back out if he wanted to. Rich said he's broke but this is an ugly scene. He said he needed the money but he wasn't sure if he could do it. He stalled for a minute and he was being really obnoxious. Howard gave him until the count of 3 to do it or not and he almost blew it. Rich kept stalling so Howard told him that his time was up. Rich took his time getting it done but he did eventually get the card off of Eric's nut sack. Rich pretended to pass out and then complained about his back hurting. He was also complaining about his knees hurting but no one was believing his act. Howard gave all three of the guys $1000 and went to break after that. The prize money was courtesy of the movie ''Kung Fu Hustle.''
Howard told Rich that if he ended it now, they could let the cops go and they wouldn't press charges. Rich said that he wasn't doing this on purpose. They had an ambulance on the way so Howard suggested that the cops not help pick him up. Howard figured it was best to wait for the ambulance to show up and let them carry him out of there. Howard was ready to move to the other studio to get away from this creepy douche. He wanted to take a quick break and move over there but Rich was still mumbling and cracking stupid jokes. They went to break a short time later.
Howard had Gary bring in his dog Bianca and his girlfriend Beth. Beth was there to do a make over on Richard Christy. Beth said that High Pitch Eric was very happy that they'd given him $1000 after that game earlier in the show. Gary said that Rich didn't fill out his winner's sheet so they gave the money to Eric instead. Howard moved on to Richard Christy who claims that he hasn't gotten laid since October 2003. Beth was very surprised to hear that. They've got a bunch of people lined up to help Richard get his look together. Richard said he's ready to get rid of the long hair. Howard said that he might want to just shave his head. Beth said she has a plan for him so they should let her take care of it. She said she thinks there is some potential there. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Richard does a Donald Trump thing with his long hair and wraps it up on the top of his head like Trump. Beth said that they're going to start out with teeth whitening. Richard said that he hasn't had his teeth cleaned in about 12 years so they might find some weird things in there. Beth said that she also sees him in some sunglasses. He's got a pretty good rock and roll look according to Beth. She said they might be able to help him out on that stuff.
Richard talks about how he pleasures himself on Friday night's but Beth thinks that's just what he talks about on the air so he won't be talking about that with her or with girls he dates. Richard said that's true and he won't bring that stuff up on dates. Beth said she was excited about doing this for Richard. She said she thinks that Richard is a sweet guy. Richard was telling everyone that he's always red and people think that he's sunburned even when he's not. He said he can't grow a full beard for some reason so he's trying a goatee.
Howard said that Beth had some stuff to promote. She didn't think there was that much but she's going to be on the cover of FHM in the June issue. Then she did some stuff for the August issue where she'll be in bikinis. She's also doing a thing for the North Shore Animal League on Saturday. She'll be in the window of Barneys with a bunch of pets up for adoption. Howard thought that Beth might be kind of bummed out coming in to do this stuff today but Beth said she was looking forward to it.
Tom came in and gave Howard an update on Rich who was taken out by the Paramedics and cops. They ended up taking him away with a collar on his neck so he can get checked out. He said that they had 4 cops there with the paramedics and even a fire truck. It was all a big waste of money and time for the city. A woman called in and had a weird discussion about her grandson taking her money from her after betting that she wouldn't like Howard's show or something. Howard thought that was almost as weird as Rich laying on the floor. Howard said that one weird thing on the show leads to even more weird stuff. High Pitch Eric called in from the green room and said that he had a bonding moment with Howard's dog Bianca. That was the third creepy thing to happen on today's show. Howard took another weird call from a guy who asked Howard if Beth is taking care of the one thing she really needs to take care of... Howard's needs. Howard was creeped out by that call as well. Howard was bummed out but the creepy Rich thing and he couldn't seem to get over that.
Howard talked about Richard and how creepy he is with his pleasuring on Friday nights. Gary said that when Richard is with real women he tends to last a really long time and he has to do other things. Richard said that he can finish quick when he uses the porn but when he's with a woman, he lasts too long and wears them out. Sometimes he has to use the porn to finish himself off when he's with a woman. Artie said that when he's with a real woman he should be even quicker than when he's with porn. Richard said he doesn't get it either and said that he has to take things into his own hands to get it done. Howard said there seems to be a lot of stuff going on with Richard. Artie said he thinks that Sal and Richard were good hires. There's a lot of material between the two of them. Howard told Beth that she gets to spend the whole day together with Richard.
Howard gave Beth some more plugs for the stuff she has coming up and then took a call from Joey G (Gannascoli) since he's appearing on Casino Cinema which is a show that Beth appears on. It airs on Spike TV tonight. Howard had to take a commercial break so he couldn't spend much time talking to Joey.
Howard and Artie were talking about some issues that the Mets have been having with Cablevision. That led to all of the guys coming in and talking about what they know about it. Scott the Engineer was the one guy who seemed to know the most about what was going on.
Howard and Gary spent a couple of minutes talking about ''The Bachelor.'' Gary just watched an episode of this season for the first time and thought that it was pretty weird. He said that the coming attractions for next week's show had The Bachelor crying. Vinnie Favale called in and brought up the Cablevision/Mets thing again. His phone connection was horrible as usual. Gary and Artie went back and forth goofing on each other about their favorite baseball teams. Gary is a Mets fan, Artie is a huge Yankees fan. He goofs on the Mets all the time and Gary said he winces every time he does that. Howard had to take another break before getting to Robin's news.
Howard eventually got to the clips he was yelling at Gary about. They had some clips from the ''Ultimate Voice Coach'' DVD set where they teach you how to sing. Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul do an intro for the DVD set and that's about all they do. After playing the clips Gary said that Scott the Engineer took the DVDs home for personal use. Scott said that he gave them to his son to see if the DVDs could help him strengthen his voice. Howard had Robin wrap up her news and ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard said he was a little tired this morning because he was up until 10:30 last night. Howard doesn't like to drink coffee because people's breath stinks when they drink it. He and Artie talked a little bit about that. Fred used to drink coffee a lot and Howard had to work close with him back when they first started out. They were also talking about smoking and how they both quit. Fred said he dropped the cigarettes years ago but when you hear about someone like Peter Jennings getting lung cancer, it makes you wonder if the damage was already done. Robin and Howard used to smoke as well. Howard remembered that Robin smoked some Benson & Hedges and the thin Eve cigarettes. Howard used to smoke Camel non-filters and stuff like that.
Howard talked about this tooth guard he sleeps with at night. He said he's liking it and even brought it into work just in case he takes a nap there at the station. He pulled it out and put it in his mouth to show Robin. It wasn't as big as Robin thought it would be. It wasn't like a football player's mouth guard or anything like that. Robin wondered when he started grinding his teeth. Howard told her that he's apparently been doing that for a long time. Robin mentioned that Gary used to grind his teeth so Howard told her that he can't help it. Robin has a horse and she told Howard about how they have to come in and file down their teeth because they keep growing. Robin jokingly said that Gary must have to have that done as well. Gary didn't think it was very funny and told her to shut up.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up how ugly the contestants are on ''American Idol'' this season. They talked about this guy Constantine and how disturbing he looks. Robin mentioned Bo Brice and how weird he looked. There's another girl on the show who looked awful and told her that. Paula Abdul defends her and tries to be nice to everyone on the show. Howard said she doesn't seem to get what the show is all about.
Another caller told Howard that he was talking to Markee Ramone recently and he told him that he's going to be a deejay on Sirius sometime soon. Robin wondered why there was no big announcement like there was for Martha Stewart. That led to Howard playing a clip where a reporter said ''Move over Howard Stern, Martha Stewart is coming to Sirius.'' Howard wondered why he has to ''move over.'' He doesn't get that. There was another reporter who claims that Martha, just like Howard Stern, is going to have her own channel over there. Howard said he got that wrong and they don't seem to know that he's been handed 3 channels to program over there.
Howard said that his girlfriend Beth O will be in later to show her make over on Richard Christy. They're also going to have Jeff the Drunk and his sister on the show. Country star Deana Carter will also be in. Howard wasn't sure why she was going to be on the show yesterday but he remembered that she was a really hot chick. He said she might be one of the hottest chicks he's ever seen.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard that he took an Oxycontin this morning just to find out what the high is like. He said it's kind of a weird high. He was feeling like Rush Limbaugh and doing an impression of him as he talked to Howard. Janks said that he also has a false sense of well being. He said his whole life is crashing down around him and he doesn't care. That led to Howard talking about Hunter S. Thompson and how he claimed that he didn't have a drug problem, he had a problem with the cops who were after him for using the drugs. Captain Janks asked Howard to replay the bit where Orson Wells freaks out while recording a commercial. Howard said he should also play some of the tape where he freaks out himself. Janks said Howard should get a hold of the old Channel 9 show tapes where he'd freak out on people. They talked about Tom Snyder who got pissed at Howard and walked off his show just like Jay Leno did. Janks was also asking Howard to put all of his old tapes on DVD so they could get them on that format instead of VHS tapes. Artie said that this is Janks on Oxycontin and it's pretty funny. He had a ton of ideas for the show. Howard let Janks go after that because he may have had too many ideas for them. Janks got in a plug for the gas station where he works. He said he'll be at the Amoco in North Wales, Pennsylvania. on the corner of 63rd and North Wales. Howard talked about how he likes to get full service when he gets gas because he's afraid he won't be able to get the gas pump in right. Janks said he'll be doing his trivia tonight at the Tex Mex Connection in North Wales tonight as well. Howard had to let him go so he could take a break.
Howard brought up this guy Pat Robertson who seems to be able to take money from really dim witted people by telling them he can guarantee them a place in heaven. Howard said that if he went out and scammed retarded people to get money out of them, he'd be put in jail but Robertson can steal money from people claiming he's doing it for religion and he gets away with it. The guys spent a couple of minutes and then Howard played a clip where Robertson is told about a couple of gay guys who took a kid to raise him. The guy's neighbor wrote a letter to Robertson and claimed that she was taking the kid to church and the kid is rethinking everything the gay couple taught him. Robertson says that he believes that gay couples adopting kids is wrong and leading children to their kind of lifestyle. Howard heard that and asked ''how retarded is he?'' Robertson says that this kid needs to be introduced to the lord so he can get out of that lifestyle. Howard said you can't convert a homosexual to a heterosexual or the other way around. Howard went off on Robertson for his idiotic thoughts for a minute.
They also brought up the new Pope who was involved in the Hitler Youth when he was a kid. Howard thought it was kind of unfair to call the guy a Nazi because he was kind of forced into all of that stuff. The guy was thrown out of the Hitler Youth stuff because he wanted to become a priest. Howard said when you're that age, around 12, and you're forced into it, you can't really do anything about it. Howard said he doesn't think the guy lived the life of a Nazi even though it would be kind of funny to look at it that way. Howard said he really doesn't give a rats ass what the guy did. Howard said his grandfather lived in Austria and actually fought against America in World War I. He spent a minute talking about that but wanted to get off of that subject pretty quick.
Howard took a call from a guy who corrected Howard on some of the stuff he was saying about the new Pope during yesterday's show. Howard said they were trying to make it a little more interesting by saying he was a guard at Auschwitz instead of talking about how he was a guard at a munitions depot like he really was. Howard thought that Fred's family were Nazis but Fred said that wasn't the case.
Howard mentioned that he was touching himself as she was talking about all of this. He said that he had sex with her last night and learned a new trick. He said that it turned him into a much better lover and he will talk about that when he makes his move to the new place next year. He said that it's a very graphic discussion that can't be mentioned on his show right now. He said that something occurred that was a break trough for him. He said he was out at meetings all day yesterday so he had a lot going on. He came home late and watched American Idol with Beth. After that he rolled over to go to sleep and Beth wasn't wearing any underwear. He said he tried to go to sleep but got up and asked himself what he was doing. He couldn't pass up a woman not wearing underwear in bed with him. He claimed that he was fully aroused sitting there so Beth asked him to stand up and show her. He told her to come over to him to check it out. Artie said he was aroused but it was because he had his NY Post New York Yankees medallion for the day.
Howard played another clip of Richard Christy talking about his favorite designers. He talked about how he likes Army surplus stuff and rock and roll t-shirts. He said that Hanes and the U.S. Army are probably his favorite designers. He also likes The Simpsons boxer short designers because he loves wearing those boxer shorts. After that Howard brought Richard into the studio so everyone could see his make over. Howard told him he looked really good. He really had hair just like Beth said he did. Richard was showing the guys some of the new clothes he was wearing. Howard told him he'd look even better if he lost 30 pounds. He said that Richard looked much better and his teeth were a big improvement. Robin said it was ''shocking'' to her. Richard asked if he had a chance with her now. Robin quickly said ''no'' to that. Richard is also going to be donating his long hair to a charity for kids with cancer. Richard said that he weighs about 210 pounds right now. Howard told him he should be about 180 or so. Richard said that's what he used to weigh before he moved to the city and started eating out every night.
Double A called in and asked when he's getting his make over from Beth. He also asked Richard what it was like to hang out with Beth all day. Richard said that it was great hanging out with her. He said that he's going to be going out to a concert tonight but the guys told him that he should go out to a bar instead. Double A said that he'll see Beth out at Barneys on Saturday when she's in the window over there with a bunch of pets that are up for adoption. Beth asked Howard if he was willing to get another dog. He said he really doesn't need a second dog at this point in his life. He said he'd do it if he didn't have to work every day. Howard told a story about this bull dog that a family owned for 10 years and gave up after it peed on its blanked one time. They gave it to this woman who rescues bull dogs. The woman said that she's had the dog for a while now and he hasn't peed on anything. This is the dog that Beth wants to adopt.
Gary had a couple of dog stories to share but they didn't go over that well. That led to Fred playing a few Baba Booey song parodies to goof on him while he was in there. Richard was singing along to some of the songs and Robin was laughing so hard that she had to pull out a napkin to wipe the tears from her eyes. Gary said that it wasn't cool to embarrass him in front of Beth. Howard started to wrap up the segment after that. Richard said he'll be pleasuring himself to the new Britney Rears DVD this weekend. Howard said he got a hold of that new DVD as well and he'll have to check it out. He said that it's supposed to be like a parody of Britney Spears.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Ashton Kutcher was on Letterman last night talking about Howard but the caller had the story all wrong so Gary had to correct him. The show was a rerun and Ashton was just talking about how he was sitting in his car listening to Howard trashing him while talking to David Spade.
Howard had the guys bring Jeff the Drunk in and he was looking worse than ever. He had more gray hair than ever and they found out he hasn't even turned 38 yet. Howard guessed that he was in his 60s. Howard said he looks horrible and Robin told him he might want to see a doctor. Artie is the same age and he doesn't look nearly as bad as he does. Jeff didn't seem to mind that they were goofing on him and admitted that it was probably the abuse that has made him age so poorly. Jeff was guzzling a beer at 8 in the morning and Gary said he doesn't think Jeff will even make it to next year going the way he's going. Robin wanted Jeff to record a message that they could play when he does pass away. Jeff begged people not to follow his path but Howard cut him off and wanted to get to the game.
They were going to bring in a few women and the guys were going to have to guess which one was Jeff's real sister Tracy. Artie couldn't play along because he already met the woman. Jeff said that this sister is a half sister, they have the same mother, different fathers. The first woman claimed to be the real Tracy and started to complain about what they've done to her brother. She said that they're saying that he's going to be dead by 40 and stuff like that. Howard said that they don't make him drink, smoke and do all of that stuff. She said that they're enabling him and she said that Jeff doesn't even drink every day of the month. Howard thought that could have been a huge act and went to the number 2 woman who said that Jeff is a great guy the way he is but number one broke in and told Howard that this show is the best thing that's ever happened to Jeff. She went off on Howard again and basically blamed Howard for all of Jeff's problems. The guys told her that they've told Jeff to stop drinking and smoking but he keeps doing it.
The third woman also claimed to be Jeff's sister and talked about her kids and how she brings them over to visit their uncle. She said that sometimes Jeff does go overboard and he does need help. Howard decided to take a guess and say that number 1 was the real sister. Gary and Robin said that number 3 was the real sister because she sounded similar to them. Howard wanted to keep the game going and asked number 3 to describe the trailer that Jeff lives in. Both number 3 and number 2 described the home. Number 1 knew that he worked at a pool stamping hands at one point. Number one also knew that Jeff had driven just a year ago, but number 3 also knew that he'd driven into a corn field. Howard was sticking to number 1 as the sister and Robin and Gary stuck to number 3. Howard liked number 1 just because she was a loud mouth. Fred finally got in on the game and said that number 1 cared too much so it must be number 3. Howard was wrong and the rest of the guys were right that it was number 3.
Robin said that she recognized number 1 from being on the show one other time. Gary said she was the crack whore they had on the show one time. She's a good actress according to Howard. The advice she was giving to Jeff was actually pretty good. Her name is Angela Muto and she said she can't get any work. Number 2 said she works for a web site called BeaverStateUniversity.com. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Tracy about her brother and what it's like to be part of the family. She talked about how they have a bunch of brothers and sisters. Jeff has 10 and she's got 7. Artie said that Jeff claims that he has a brother who is jealous of his lifestyle. Jeff and Tracy didn't want to go there though. Howard asked Jeff if he loves his sister enough to stop drinking. Jeff said he does love her but he wouldn't give up the drinking. Howard asked Tracy what the most embarrassing thing her brother has ever done was. She said that Jeff was smoking a bong and had a shot gun with him. He ended up passing out in his room with the shot gun so the family kind of freaked out. She said that her kids like her uncle Jeff and play Xbox with him. Howard asked if the kids ever ask about why Jeff doesn't work or anything like that. Tracy said they don't really talk about that stuff. Tracy said that she's seen Jeff get women before as well but he doesn't have anyone right now. Howard wrapped up the segment after that and let Jeff get in some plugs for DePaula Chevrolet up there in Albany. He also got in a plug for the driver who brought them down there today.
Jeff asked Artie about him asking him to call him yesterday to let him know about if he'd met his sister or not. Jeff doesn't have Artie's new number so he couldn't call him. Artie said that he had to change his number because he'd given his home phone number to Jeff the Drunk, High Pitch Eric and some others so he could get some funny voice mails. Jeff said that he wanted Artie's number ''now!'' and ended up going off on ''The Edge'' up in Albany for some reason. Gary said that Jeff always pulls the VIP Star treatment when he shows up at events up there. He demands stuff even though he's not invited to the gigs. Jeff said that he really wants Artie's Yankee tickets so that's why he wanted the number. Artie said he gave Jeff some great tickets for the Yanks and got kind of upset when he heard that Jeff was going to sell them. He also heard that Jeff was a little drunk and loud at the game he went to. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that Jeff has been calling him quite a bit as well but he kind of enjoys the calls. He said that Jeff keeps the calls short and gives him updates on what he's up to. Tom Chiusano came in and said that Jeff called him asking him where his invitation was for his son's wedding party. Jeff heard there was an open bar so he wanted to go. Artie jokingly told Tom that Jeff was going to be his guest.
Gary said that they could give the women from the game a watch or something from Steven Singer Jewelers for coming in to play. They didn't have any cash to give away so they gave them the prizes instead. Howard wrapped up after that and went to commercial break.
Howard took a call from a guy who mentioned that Leila Arcieri is in the latest Maxim magazine and she talked about going to dinner at his apartment one time. Howard said he looks after the girls from ''Son of the Beach'' as if they were his own daughters. He can't call Leila though because she'll go right to the newspapers and tell them the he's calling her. Howard said he doesn't want to upset Beth and have her make his life hell or anything like that.
Howard had the guys bring in Deana Carter. He said he doesn't know anything about country music. He played one of her songs that didn't sound all that much like country though. He kind of liked what he was hearing. It sounded very pop-like to Howard and Robin. Deana thought that Howard had programmed a country station for a brief period. Howard said he did but he was miserable. Deana said she was originally signed as an alternative act but they switched her to country. Howard and Robin told her they liked what they heard so she thanked them for that. Her father played guitar on some of Simon and Garfunkle's albums so she had quite and influence from those guys. Howard wondered if her father is rich because of that. She said that he's relatively rich but she's not really sure how rich. Howard noticed that Deana has a baby but she's not married. She said she's engaged to the father of the kid.
Howard went through some of the other notes about Deana and thought that her life sounded pretty interesting. She knew a lot of guys like Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson and Simon and Garfunkle. She said she hung out with Willie Nelson and smoked weed with him. She said that she went and played golf with Willie while he was smoking weed. Howard told Deana how much Jeff the Drunk was into her and told her that he wanted to sing to her. Deana said she'd like to hear that. Howard had the guys bring Jeff back in a short time later.
Jeff took a while to get back to the studio because he was so wasted and he was at the other end of the building. Jeff came in and asked to see Deana's feet for some reason. He demanded that she whip them out and show them to him. He said she accepted an award one time and she was in her bare feet. He said that he'd like to ''do those feet.'' Jeff told Deana that he has some weed to puff with her if she wanted to. Deana said that she has smoked weed but doesn't do it now. Fred got a guitar and played a little bit so Jeff could sing to Deana. Jeff sang this song for her and Howard hated it. He cut Jeff off and told him to get out. Jeff wanted to sing another song but Howard didn't want to let him do that. He kicked him out of the studio.
Howard read that Deana lost her virginity to the good looking guy on ''Desperate Housewives,'' James Denton. She said that he was a sweet, wonderful guy and she loves that he's getting so much attention now. She said she was actually engaged to him for a little while. Howard asked her where it was that she lost her virginity. She didn't want to talk about that though because her parents might hear it. Gary read that she holds up every guy to this guy's standards when she dates them. Artie told Deana that he once took a girl's virginity and she's spent her whole life trying to forget about it.
Deana also talked about Bill Maher and how she thinks he's a jerk. She said she doesn't get how he gets so many good looking women either. She went up to him in a bar one time just to say hello to him but he blew her off. There was also a story about Garth Brooks and what a jerk he was. She said that he kind of tried to block her career for some reason. She didn't want to talk bad about him though because the guy has a kid and she doesn't want to disrespect the guy because of that.
Howard read that Deana has a crush on him but she said that she used to have a crush, then she lost it. Now that he's been so nice to her, she said it's back. She said that people like Howard and Oprah are so focused and goal oriented. She likes that he and Oprah both follow their hearts in their careers. Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered if Deana goes for anything in bed and if all highways are open. She said that she's not into everything after Fred played a fart sound effect to clue her into what they were talking about. Bong Hit Bill called in and asked Deana how often she lights up. She said she hasn't done anything lately and it's not a habit or anything. Hook Nose Mike called in and asked if Deana had ever been with a woman when she was younger. Deana said she hasn't been with any chicks and she wouldn't be into that.
Howard gave Deana a plug for her album ''The Story of My Life.'' Deana said they're going to be doing an in store appearance at Borders in Columbus Circle tonight. Howard played a couple of clips from the CD and Artie started doing his southern accent and yelling out the N-word because that's what country songs make him think he's going to hear. He was making up some racist lyrics of his own as Howard was playing her CD. Deana said that she writes her own songs so Howard bragged about how he used to write his own songs when he was younger. He played some of his ''Psychedelic Bee'' song that he wrote and performed when he was a little kid. He also mentioned that the band Sugar Ray covered that song for them so he played that for her as well. Howard told Deana that she should cover the song as well. He said that every band should cover that song. Artie goofed on Mark McGrath since he's on an entertainment news program now instead of singing for Sugar Ray.
Deana told Howard that she's sold about 6 million albums but she's not all that rich. Howard told her that she should set up her own theme park like Conway Twitty did with Twitty City. Deana isn't interested in doing anything like that though. She told Howard she once had a tour bus drive past hear house as she was planting flowers while dressed in a bikini and trucker cap. She said she appreciates the fans though. Howard spent a couple more minutes with her and then wrapped up the interview.
Howard had a guy on the phone who wanted to tell him about John Stamos dating Eva Longoria but the guy hung up. Howard said he doesn't know if that's true but, if it is, it can only be good for him. He seems to believe that she'll end up in his apartment naked at some point if John is dating her. Howard read through some tabloid magazines and talked about some pictures he saw and some stories about Oprah gaining back 20 pounds. He was also talking about Oprah's good friend Gayle King and how he thinks that the two of them could possibly be lesbian lovers. Howard read that Matt Lauer is breaking up with his second wife. He continued to talk about the Oprah and Gayle King thing and said that those are just his feelings on that stuff. He doesn't know that they're actually lovers. He had Robin start her news after going through the tabloids.
Howard played a new message from Hate Man who left a voice mail about the ''faggot cardinals'' at the Vatican. He went off on the new Pope for a short time saying that they were electing a new Queen. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
During the news Howard mentioned that his buddy Dan Klores has a new movie out called ''Ring of Fire: The Emile Griffith Story.'' He said that the movie got a 3 star review in the paper today. Robin said she saw the movie and it was great. Ralph Cirella called in a short time later and told Howard that he saw the movie as well and thought it was great. He wanted to back up Robin's review because he knows that they can't trust Robin's reviews since she thought ''Hitch'' was a great one. Robin said she really did enjoy that movie but no one believes that anyone could like that movie. Howard figured she gave it a great review because it was a Sony picture and she's got a deal with Sony to do her talk show later this year. Robin denies that and insists that she really liked the movie. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard wasn't sounding so good this morning. He said he went to the gym yesterday and his cold came back and blew his voice out again. He tried to relax for a couple of weeks but ended up going back to the gym too early. He said their schedule is really rough on your health. Howard said he had a rough day yesterday and had to take an Ambien to get to sleep last night. Artie said he took a nap yesterday afternoon and ended up staring at the clock at 3 in the morning. Howard said he can't imagine what it's like for people who go to bed at a normal hour. He said he just lays there with his eyes closed sometimes and hopes that the rest is enough. That's never enough though.
Howard mentioned that Miss Howard Stern is coming in later in the morning to show off her new breast implants. She went from a C-cup to a DD cup. Robin asked ''What's wrong with that girl?'' Artie asked her if she really wanted them to list all of the problems. They didn't go any farther with that. Howard moved on to talk about the new Pope for a couple of minutes. He said that the guy just doesn't look like a Pope. He also talked about how the guy's brother feels bad for him because the guy is 78 years old and you never see someone taking on a new job at that age. Artie said that when he sees a guy in a position like that, he wonders what's wrong with them. He figures that something has to be going on there. Howard talked about how the Cardinals over there don't seem to care about bringing new people into the Catholic Church because they put these old people in the position of the Pope who don't have any interest in pushing the religion forward. He said that this new Pope is one who doesn't believe in Relativism, he believes that only his religion works to get you into heaven. That doesn't fly in some countries and it causes problems around the world. The last Pope was easing up on that stuff according to Robin and that's what made him cool. This new guy, Ratzinger, seems to be pushing to bring women back into the dark ages and that seems to be turning off some people in the church. Robin said that there are some women in the church who believe that stuff as well though. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about this Pope's crazy ideas. Those guys are against gays but they have a lot of gay guys in the church. Howard was also saying that he doesn't like this new Pope's look. Artie said that he's kind of creepy looking. The guys talked about how strange some of the people in the church are and Artie compared them to the Star Wars people who follow those movies like a religion.
Howard asked Artie if he went to the Mitch Hedberg tribute on Tuesday night. Artie couldn't go because it was at a bad time for him. They held it at Carolines comedy club and Artie said they're really good about that stuff over there. Howard said they'll probably do something for Artie over there when he dies. Howard talked about seeing a commercial where they talked about helping people out with their drinking problems. Artie told Howard that he doesn't have to worry about him until he doesn't show up for work. That led to Artie talking about going to a therapist who once told him that she would call his bookie about the $15,000 he owed him to help him get over his problems. Howard goofed on that by creating an imaginary conversation between the therapist and the bookie. He had to take a break after having some fun with that.
Ronnie said that he knows for a fact that Robin goes to a car dealer to check a car out before she buys it so that's what Howard should do. Ronnie said that he has to sell the old car before he picks up the new one and the new one isn't registered yet so he can't just go down and pick it up. Howard said he's not going to go down to Brooklyn to sit in the car. He's got too much going on right now to go all the way down there to sit in a car. Howard told Ronnie that he sat in a car and it was fine and that was the one he wanted. Ronnie said they made changes to the car so that's why they want Howard to check it out before it's done. Ronnie said that he's done with this, he can't take it anymore. Howard suggested that Ronnie go get the movie ''Driving Miss Daisy'' and watch it before he comes in yelling at him like this. He wants him to call him ''Miss Daisy'' from now on.
Ronnie wanted to bring Howard down to the builder next Friday but Howard has a lot of things going on that day. He said it might be a couple of weeks before he gets down there. Ronnie said that the builder doesn't like him anymore and he's lucky that they even take his phone calls over there. Howard said Jason laughs at him every day that he gets into his clown car of a limo. He also said there are people who laugh at him every day when he's being driven around. Ronnie said that those people are pointing at the car because it's the coolest car in town. Howard doesn't believe that though. Ronnie told Howard and Robin that he doesn't want to drive this company crazy with this new car like he did with the last one. Ronnie said that Howard has busted his balls over every car he's had so far. Howard said that the stuff they put in the cars just hasn't been in the right place so far. That's exactly why Ronnie wants him to check this new car out before it's done. Howard wanted to get his buddy Wayne Segal to get a flat bed truck over to the builder to tow the car down to him so he can sit in it there at the station. Ronnie thought that was ridiculous. Howard let Fred play a song parody about the obnoxious limo that he's been driving around in for the past few months. Howard said that it's been four months since they ordered the new car and now it's going to be a couple weeks longer.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard how he gets his limo built by Picasso Limousine in Queens. He said that they come over and do everything at his office so he doesn't have to go down to the builder to get things done. Dominic said that he has satellite in his car now and gets 500 channels. Ronnie came in yelling and said that they asked Howard what he wanted in his car and he's already gone over that. Ronnie said that they were putting all of this on him and that just wasn't right. Dominic told Ronnie that he can watch Howard's E! show in his car now. Ronnie said that he's trying to do the right thing for Howard but everyone pointed out that Dominic doesn't have to drive anywhere to check out his car before it's done. Ronnie said that he doesn't deal with Picasso, he deals with Empire Coach and they're mad at him now because of all of this stuff. Howard asked Dominic to call Ronnie and speak to him privately about how to take care of a client. Howard was upset about Ronnie yelling in front of his girlfriend yesterday and he'd like Ronnie to be able to get things done without a hassle. Ronnie thinks that it might be time for him to go. Howard said he might be right and said good bye to him. Ronnie said he's not sure if he'll be able to handle this situation so Howard let him go back out to the hallway to sit in his plastic chair to think it over.
Howard can't believe that Ronnie is mad at him. He read about this satellite TV service that Dominic was talking about and it sounded pretty cool to him. Howard said he's afraid to ask for something like that because it'll be wrong and they'll have to go fix it. Ronnie came back in a short time later complaining that he had E! cameras in his face when he went out into the hall. He said the conversation is over and he wanted them to drop it. Howard took a break a short time after that.
Howard asked Andrea about this 74 year old guy and what's up with that relationship. She said that there is no relationship, the guy is just a sweet guy who helps her out. Howard heard that she's also been losing a lot of weight and she doesn't eat. Andrea said she eats salad and grilled chicken. Andrea kept pushing her new poster and wanted to get a plug in for that. Howard checked out the poster and said she looked good. Andrea said she picked everything in the picture. She had another picture that was a bit more revealing and Howard thought her boobs looked really good in that one. She said that was before her new boob job.
Howard asked Andrea to get into a bikini and she agreed to do it no problem. Howard wondered what kind of painkillers she was on because she was really talking a lot more than she's ever talked in the past. She was going on and on about this 74 year old guy. She said that the guy is dating a 26 year old woman and she doesn't think that they're going to break up. Gary found out that she's on something called Propoxiphine or something like that. Howard wondered if Andrea does anything with the old guy when she's with him. She said that she doesn't do anything for him but he still gives her all of this stuff. Howard sent her off to the bathroom to get changed into her bikini.
Howard heard that Andrea was working at a Hooters and she got fired. Andrea said that she did work there and she apparently caused too much attention at the restaurant. Zolar called in and said that Andrea wasn't telling all of the truth about this stuff and he would like to come in the studio to talk about it. Howard didn't want to let him in because he gets to be too annoying. He refused to let him in there. Howard hung up on him. Andrea came out of the bathroom a minute later and both Howard and Gary said that she looked really good. Howard had her spin around so he could check her out and told her that she looked great. He asked to see her boobs but Andrea didn't seem interested in doing that. She wants to be in playboy so Howard told her he'd let them know. Howard asked her about the 74 year old again and asked her if she's telling the truth about not having sex with the guy. She swore that she wasn't. Gary said he could smell alcohol on Andrea's breath. She told Howard that she was out drinking last night at some club.
Howard asked Andrea if she wanted to set a world record of having guy's hands on her breasts. She said she can't make them any bigger than they are now because the doctor told her that she doesn't have enough skin. Andrea said she doesn't want to get topless because she's going through a custody battle with her kid right now. Howard asked if they could put her in a t-shirt and wet it down. She quickly agreed to let them do that so Howard had Gary get her a t-shirt. Artie volunteered to do the wetting down. He shot her with the super soaker water piston he had. Andrea said she just won a wet t-shirt contest a few weeks ago. She won $500 in that contest. Artie continued to spray Andrea down as Howard was talking to her. She just giggled the whole time she was in the studio. Howard wrapped up after that and gave Andrea another plug for the poster she's selling. He gave out a phone number that you can call to get more information on it. The number was (706) 278-6485.
Howard talked about how Jane Fonda was spit on yesterday. He said he was offended by that when he found out about it. He also read about Star Jones and how she may be kicked off of E! soon because she's not doing all that well in the ratings over there. Howard said that Joan Rivers had a certain something that worked over there. Howard said that Star Jones just sucks. He read some other stories that were in the news and ended up talking about the Pope again. He and the guys talked about him for a few more minutes. Howard and Artie don't get why religion is still so influential these days. Robin thinks that it's because people are scared and they need something to look to for relief.
Howard said that he's been ripped off again. He mentioned that Jay Leno was accepting an award for something and said that his favorite bit is ''Jay Walking'' which is something that his people ripped off from Howard's show. Now there are people stealing their prank call bit where they call a chinese restaurant, put an order in and then connect that person with another chinese Restaurant and have the two giving the order back and forth to each other causing mass confusion. Howard played Sal and Richard's recent call where they did that. Then he played a bit that someone over in England did where the guy did exactly the same thing. Howard thinks that the guy must have come over to the U.S. and listened to his show and then took the bit back over there. It was almost word for word exactly the same as Sal and Richard's bit. Howard said that little stuff like that just aggravates him.
Ralph called in and told Howard that Jay Leno also calls one of his interns ''Josh the Intern'' which no one did before Howard started profiling his people like that. Howard said there was also this company Telepictures who ripped off his Homeless Game idea and created a TV show around it. Howard said he was asked to do a show like that but he turned it down. He said that they created ''Street Smarts'' and it's in its 6th season now. He said they did it in a lame way but it's still doing well enough to be on the air. Artie said they had an intern in a meeting one time who heard them talking about doing a homeless game and he though they were ripping off ''Street Smarts'' even though Howard had been doing that bit for years before that. Howard doesn't get how some of these shows make it. He said shows like Ellen Degeneres are just awful but they somehow stay on the air. Howard said Leno is better than Ellen but they're both really lame. That led to the guys talking about how religion seems to have something to do with all of the lame stuff that's on TV.
Howard read that Andy Dick was booted from a comedy club after exposing himself on stage. Howard said they have to get Andy on the show again because he's apparently drinking again. Howard read the article about Dick and they claimed that he was paid $15,000 for a weekend. The guys were kind of surprised at that number but Artie seemed to think that number was possible.
Howard read a few articles in the news about some wacky things that were going on. Mary Carey was in the news because she was just recently arrested at a strip club for some reason.
Howard read some e-mail about how people like when Gary wears a birka when they have hot women in the studio. Gary said he didn't wear one today so he asked people to hold off on the e-mail. Howard told Gary that he really has to wear that thing whenever they have hot chicks in the studio. Gary said he didn't have time to put it on today because he was busy talking to Andrea. Howard told him he's got to stop whatever he's doing and put it on from now on.
Another e-mailer asked Howard why Tom has been bleeping Alanis Morissette saying ''Ass bowl'' in the song she performed on the show the last time she was on. Tom came in and said that they didn't bleep it. Howard played the song and thought that she sounded so good that he played through the whole song. Howard was talking about how women are so unrealistic when it comes to men and relationships. Tom told a quick story about how in love his son is with his new wife that he actually forgot that his mother was waiting at the door to come in his place recently. Howard told the guys a story about how he farted in bed the other night and Beth was just about gagging from it. He said that she should have broken up with him because of it. He said she had gone out of the room for a few minutes so he blew a few farts thinking she wouldn't be back. She came back too quick and caught a whiff of the farts. She told Howard that he should check his underwear. Howard told Tom to tell his son to never fart in front of his wife. Tom said he's already told him that and he also claims that he never farts in front of his wife on purpose.
Howard mentioned that they got some mail about the guy who called in the other day about not being able to have sex with his wife who is going through cancer treatments. A lot of people were upset about that caller. There was also some positive feedback about Jeff the Drunk and Deana Carter who were both on the show yesterday. He had to take another break a short time later.
Howard talked to Denise about working for Prevention magazine. She's called an ''Editor at Large'' so she can basically go around and do what she wants for the magazine. She gets to work from home doing that job. Howard wondered if Denise is making over 100,000 a year doing that. She just said ''maybe.'' Howard said he'd love to be able to work from home. Denise thought that he'd be able to do his job from home even though they could hook him up with equipment to do that.
A listener called in and said that he had this MRSA that Denise was talking about. He said they gave him some medication that he had to stay on for 10 days but it went away. He said the doctor told him it probably came from the gym and a lot of athletes are getting it. The guy said that he didn't even have his shirt off at the gym but it still got in through his chest somehow. Howard said he hates talking about stuff like this. Denise told Howard that he can just go home and wash up really well after using the gym and that could help. Howard hates taking a shower at the gym. Denise told Howard that she's a middle aged woman and she's not nearly as hot as the women who are on his web site.
Gary came in and asked if this germ can be transferred on the train or something like that. She said it is possible but the germ thrives in places like gyms where people work out and where it's warm and humid. Another caller told Howard that they had a patient who had a germ similar to this and they used a drug that the germ actually thrived on and it made it worse. They were able to save the guy by using some other drugs. Howard thought that guy was really smart talking about the stuff he was talking about and he figured it was Denise who attracted this smart guy to call in. Artie was talking about how intimidating smart chicks are to him. Robin said that Artie is intimidated by smart women, beautiful women... Howard said that Artie is just intimidated by women in general. Howard wrapped up with Denise a short time later and went to commercial break.
High Pitch Eric called in and asked Howard if he had his plug from the other day when he was on the show. Howard jerked him around for a few seconds and then gave him a plug for the Beetle Bash that High Pitch is going to be at on Saturday May 14th. You can get more info at JollyDwarf.com.
Howard got back to Paula Abdul and played some audio of her being asked about the bottom 3 on American Idol. Paula wasn't really able to answer the question without rambling.
Gary the Retard called the show yesterday and the guys kept him on hold for over 4 hours. Sal the Stockbroker jerked him around and kept asking him what his name was. Sal asked him to whisper his name after he'd said it about 10 times. Then Richard Christy got on the line and jerked him around asking him what his name was and how he could help him. Sal got back on the line and jerked him around a little more asking him to whisper and then hit a button on the phone each time Gary tried to say his name. Howard said that these guys get paid to sit around and do this stuff. Howard said that Gary was on for like 4 and a half hours. He also heard that Gary has been off this week because they're putting in a new freezer at the place he works. He said he had to cut that bit down from 22 minutes to 3 minutes but he's thinking of playing the whole 22 minutes. Howard wondered if they could get away with playing the full 22 minutes. Sal came in and said that it gets a little crazy because Gary thinks that Richard is Robin and he's Howard. They have him touching himself and stuff like that. Howard said he can't wait until they can use curse words when they move to the new place. He's got 8 months left and he figures Infinity has to let him go soon because being on the air just can't be good for terrestrial radio. That led to Howard talking about Tom Freston and Les Moonves from CBS and how they were paid like $50 million last year and they don't even earn it.
Howard took a call from a woman down in Ft. Myers, Florida who talked a little bit about last night's American Idol. She was also upset that Howard isn't on down there anymore so Howard had to explain to her why they're not on there anymore. They spent a few minutes talking about the fat chicks on American Idol as well. Robin started her news after that.
Howard also heard that Sal went to the sex booths in Times Square. Sal said he doesn't touch anything in those booths. He finishes himself off and gets on the train and he's out like a light. Tom said that he hopes he's joking around about this stuff but Sal seemed to be telling the truth. Gary came in and told Howard about how there are gay guys there in those booths who like to watch other guys doing that to themselves in the booths. Sal was in a booth and a guy popped up from under a sheet and was pleasuring himself. Sal said he ran out of there real fast once that happened. He didn't expect to have a dude watching him pleasure himself.
Ralph called in and told Howard that he has pleasured himself at the station back when they were at the other building. Howard doesn't get how guys can do that at work like that. Howard said it's just another reason they need a cleaning person there at the station. Ralph asked Sal why he doesn't go home and get some porn to do this stuff. Sal said his wife and kids are at home and he has to go there to cook dinner for them every night. He told some other stories about the peep show things he's seen. Richard came in and told Howard that Sal has done the live show thing as well and he likes to humiliate the girls that do the live shows. Gary wondered if he's afraid that someone is going to recognize him now that he's on the E! show so often. Sal said he's already had guys staring at him on the train because they recognized him.
Richard said that Sal invited him to go to one of these places just a couple of weeks ago. Sal said that he just wanted to go ''hit the booths'' that day. Sal said he's been fascinated by these places since he was a kid. Howard advised Sal not to do it there at work anymore. Tom also said that he'll fire him on the spot if he does catch him doing it. Howard had to take a break so he cut everyone off and went to commercial. Robin wrapped up her news after the break and they ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off talking about the how busy the show was going to be. He said that they have Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and D.J., a human vibrator, coming in to demonstrate her talent. Fred played an audio clip of someone using some type of vibrator in a porn movie after Howard announced that.
Howard played a clip from Jeff the Vomit Guy who asked for a bulimic woman to vomit on him. Jeff is seriously looking for women to throw up on him and he won't give up on his search. Howard went on to talk about this new movie that's out with Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet starring in it. Howard wondered why anyone would put those two in a movie together. He also played an audio clip of Ashton talking about how he has agreed to do a Calvin Klein underwear ad if the movie goes to number 1. Howard said that there's something about him that just bothers him. He said that Ashton is going to take a ton of money for an ad campaign and that's somehow doing a favor for the fans. Howard's daughter is really into Ashton and she doesn't care if the guy is creepy like that, she's going to go see him in anything he's in. Howard said he doesn't like that she's using his money to go see stuff like that. Ashton behaved himself when he was on Howard's show and Howard said that he knew better than to act like an ass on his show. Howard said that his bashing of the guy on the air might bring a little humility to people like Ashton. Artie figures that Ashton's manager was probably high fiving Ashton and telling him how great that appearance was after he was done. Howard said that no one high fived him yesterday.
Howard talked about how weird the industry is because a guy like Ben Affleck will date someone like J-Lo and get ton's of press. Then they break up and he dates Jennifer Garner and they get a tiny mention in the back of the paper that they're engaged. Ashton Kutcher dated Brittany Murphy and no one cared. Then he dates Demi Moore and the press goes nuts. Howard tried to figure out who he could date to get tons of press. He figured it would have to be someone like Nicole Kidman. He said that she's dating a guy who he thinks is uglier than him so he should have a chance. Robin and Artie thought that would be a pretty big newsbreaker. Howard said he was also thinking about Angelina Jolie as being one who would make big news if he was dating her. Robin said she'd be scared for Howard if he was dating Angelina. Robin also suggested that he could date Madonna. Howard said Lindsay Lohan would be another big one for him. The Olsen Twins were also mentioned but Howard said that his daughter would kill him if he did that.
Artie found an article in the paper about a guy who talked about going to camp with Howard while he was on a bus trip recently. Howard said the story sounded true to him but he can't imagine who it could be. A listener called in and asked Howard about the chicks he dated after his divorce. Howard said that he was on a tear after the divorce and he thinks he dated maybe 20 people after the divorce. That was all within 6 months or so. The caller asked him how many of them were famous. Howard guessed that about 8 of them were famous. They weren't superstars but if he said their names, people would know who they are. The guy asked Howard if he ever had Robin Givens. Howard said ''I, I, I don't know.'' when he was asked that question. He said he was actually saying ''no.'' Howard held up one name for Gary to see to find out if he was ever with an A-list celebrity. Gary said that the woman would be an A minus. She's not really A-list but she's close. Gary said that she'd have a high Q rating though. The caller wanted to know who she was but Howard isn't going to reveal her name. Gary said that he wanted to ask Howard about one woman he saw him out with one time. He had to write the name down because Howard didn't want to mention the name on the air. Howard told Gary that the person he wrote down was a one nighter. She was an A-lister at one point in her career according to Howard. He would not say what her name was though. Howard told him to write down another name and he'd tell him about what he did with them. Gary wrote down a name and Howard told him that it was a yes but he didn't go all the way, the woman may have done something to him. Gary had another name to write down. Howard checked it out and told him ''no'' to that one. Robin thought he was lying about that one for some reason though. Howard wrote down one name himself and told Robin to read it out loud. He'd written down Gary's wife's name and joked that he dated her.
Howard said that he never would have mentioned Angie Everhart if she hadn't come out with the story first. He doesn't talk about who he's dated publicly. The caller asked Howard if he'd ever had a threesome. Howard said he's done some stuff but didn't go all the way with that. He said that he did a lot of dating and got away with a lot without people finding out about it. Gary said that a limo driver he had one time told him about one woman he was dating. Howard said that guy had loose lips but he was right and he did date that person that Gary wrote down. Artie wondered how many months all of that lasted. Howard said he's not sure and he's glad that it didn't continue because he really needed a relationship like the one he has with Beth right now. Gary said he wonders how these women have stayed quiet this long. He wondered if Howard made them sign something. Howard said he didn't do that, he thinks that a lot of these women are ashamed that they slept with him so they're not going to brag about it. He said that some of the women told him that they had to sneak around because they didn't want anyone finding out about them dating.
The caller asked Howard if he had to keep it all quiet because of the divorce proceedings. Howard said they were already legally separated so he didn't have to do that. Howard kept it quiet because he was trying to protect his daughters from hearing about what was going on. If Howard had a son, he said he would have been bragging to him about the dating. Artie jokingly said that Howard was about to adopt a son just so he could do that back then.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that trying to figure out who the women were is like trying to figure out who shot JFK. He asked Howard a few questions trying to figure out who they could be. He wanted an age range and wanted to know if any of them had ever won an Oscar. Howard said that one of the girls was 21 years old when he dated her and he didn't know she was that young. He said that he broke up with her after he found out she was so young. He figured she was about 30 but he was off by about 9 years. Howard said that the girls ranged in age from about 21 to 40. Vinnie said he heard about one woman who he met at Howard's house one time. Howard said the one woman he met was at Howard's house. Howard said that was no secret though. Vinnie asked Howard how close Robin and Howard have ever gotten. Howard said there hasn't been anything between them because he was married when they first met and Robin is just his lover mentally. Howard told Robin that he's had a crush on her for a long time and he still does. Howard figured that Vinnie wanted him when he was single. Vinnie was introduced to Beth one of the first nights he was with her. Howard told the guys that he didn't bang Beth on that first night. He knew that she wasn't going there with him that first night like some of the women did.
Howard said that the reason he brought all of that up was to show that he's no pussy. Robin said that doesn't show anything. Vinnie and Gary said that it does show that Howard has been to ''the other side'' and survived it. Artie said that he thinks he can get hot chicks but he can't get a hot, famous chick like Howard can. Gary said Artie could do it but he would just talk himself out of it. Howard said he once kicked a famous chick out of his apartment just so he could see what that was like. He wanted to leave her hanging. He had just started dating Beth at the time so he didn't want to screw that up.
Howard said there are some women he wants to keep as friends that he doesn't bring up with Beth. Howard said Beth has ex-boyfriends and he doesn't think that much about them so it's not that big of a deal for him. Vinnie told Gary that he should keep track of these women and write a book some day. Gary said that Stuttering John was obsessed with this stuff when he was still there. John would mention names to him and that's what planted the seeds in his head for the names he wrote down this morning. Howard thinks it's kind of dumb to obsess about that stuff but he also thinks it's kind of fascinating. Vinnie wanted to get one more name from Howard but Howard wasn't going to go there. Howard said that he'd give Vinnie one name... Regina Lasko. That's David Letterman's wife's name so he was just yanking Vinnie around. Vinnie asked Howard if any of these woman have become famous after he banged them. Howard said that hasn't happened but some of the women have gotten even lower in their careers than they were before. The caller kept goofing on Vinnie by doing an impression of him from his love tapes and stuff. Howard had to wrap up the discussion after that so he could take a break.
Howard read some more mail about Jeff the Drunk and Ronnie the Limo Driver since they were on the show yesterday. Ronnie was yelling at Howard about the new limo he has on order. Fred played a song parody about Ronnie that Artie really likes. Howard read some of the mail they got about Ronnie and a lot of people think he needs some therapy to get over his anger issues. There were some people who thought Ronnie was right and Howard should have gone down to look at this new limo of his. Some people wrote in about the new bacteria that the woman from Prevention magazine was talking about. There was a lot of good feedback about the Gary the Retard call he was playing yesterday. People are demanding that he play the whole 22 minutes of it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard what ever happened to KC. Howard said that KC is out in L.A. doing stand up comedy. Artie added that he's also trying to get an acting career going out there. Robin also said that his good looks were wasted there. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Howard played a few minutes of Sal and Richard jerking Gary the Retard around on the phone yesterday. He replayed some of what he played yesterday and talked about why Gary has so much free time to sit on the phone for 4 hours. Sal and Richard would pick up the phone and goof on Gary asking him who he was even after he said he was ''Gary the Retard'' 10 times. Sal had Gary whispering at one point. Then he would hit a button on the phone each time Gary would say his name so he was blocking it out each time. Howard said the two of them did that to Gary for 22 minutes. Robin said she could listen to all 22 minutes of it but Howard only played 3 minutes of it yesterday. Howard said that he can't play the whole 22 minutes because they don't really have time today. He did play a little more of it for Robin though. She loves that stuff and thinks it's funny that they spent 22 minutes doing that stuff. When Sal and Richard pretended to be Howard and Robin and had him fooled. Sal had a really deep voice and fooled Gary. Gary wasn't fooled by Richard's impression of Robin though. Howard said that stuff just goes on and on and on. Gary hasn't called back in 2 days since they jerked him around like that. Howard said that Sal and Richard convinced Gary to put the phone in his lap so he wouldn't touch the buttons on his phone. Gary wasn't the one touching the buttons though. They convinced him to do it and had him yelling into the phone asking if they were still there. Howard couldn't play the whole 22 minutes so he stopped after that.
Howard moved on to talk about the stripper who is coming in next. She claims to be a human vibrator so Robin wondered if she's going to do something that guys really aren't into. Howard said that there are a lot of strippers who do stuff on the pole that just isn't hot. He said girls really don't have to do that much stuff to turn guys on. He went on to play a new porn clip of a woman gagging on something and jokingly said that it was Sal the Stockbroker in the bathroom.
Howard took a call from a woman by the name of Jackleen who says that she wants to be part of the upcoming Blind Beauty Pageant. She said that she is blind and she thinks she's pretty hot. Howard said that she's eligible and could win the $5,000 prize they have. She said that she thinks she's pretty hot and only weighs 108 pounds. She also said that the good thing is that she won't be able to see her competition. Howard said that they need a 2 minute tape from anyone that wants to enter and you can send it to them at Blind Beauty Pageant, 40 West 57th, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10019. Jackleen said that when people look at her they can't even tell she's blind. She said that one of her eyes does turn to the right a little bit but it's not that bad. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard also thought it was kind of weird to ask a friend to ''hit the booths.'' Sal said that there are 30 booths in the place so it's not that weird. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Sal will bring porn into the bathroom by hiding it in a newspaper. Then he drops the newspaper on the floor. Howard asked Ronnie about something that he heard about him. He heard that Ronnie got a lap dance from their next guest and wondered why that was. Ronnie said that he was sitting in his chair in the hall and the girl was demonstrating her vibrating for Doug from E! and that was it. He didn't ask for a lap dance from her or anything. Howard told him to just ask guests not to bother him when that kind of thing happens. Ronnie started to leave but came back in and complained about Robin stabbing him in the back every morning. She was telling Howard that he should interview Ronnie about the lap dance he just got from this stripper. Ronnie didn't want to do that though.
Howard told Ronnie not to call his girlfriend to apologize for what he did the other day. Ronnie said he wasn't calling her to make excuses, he was calling her to explain what had happened the other day when her car service left her there. Ronnie was trying to help get Beth home but Howard told him not to bother his girlfriend. He said that he made things worse for him because she was embarrassed by what happened. Ronnie ended up going back out in the hall while Fred played a new song parody about him. Robin said that Ronnie will now be doing ''The Ronnie Show'' out in the hall talking about what the girl did to him.
A guy called in and asked Howard if he can bring Bianca in with him every day but the guy sounded kind of creepy so Fred was playing the Twilight Zone music for him. Another guy called in and said he used to work at one of those booth places like Sal goes to. He said that all of the guys that go to those places are always looking down so they don't make any eye contact. Howard said he feels weird even buying porn, never mind going to a booth to get off. The guy said that the newest guys to get hired at those places are the ones who end up cleaning up after the guys make a mess in the booth. Howard said that he can't think of a worse job than that. The caller said that the girls turn on a light when they need a clean up in the booth. That's when the guy gets his bucket and squeegee to clean up the booth. Howard said that he'd like to make a movie about a guy who has a job like that. He said he'd get someone like Bill Murray to play the lead role. The caller said he used to do that job and one time, he went into one of the rooms and the girl asked him to leave the mess there because there are guys who come there just to clean that up themselves. Howard had to cut him off because he was a little too graphic. Gary took his number so they could call him when they move to the new place where they won't be censored. Howard had to take a break right after that.
DJ told Howard that she's been in the business for about 8 months and her mother just found out about it recently. Her father knew about it before then. Her sisters apparently clued her into what she was doing. DJ was going to demonstrate her dancing for Howard and the guys but she wasn't dressed in anything special. She did have a pair of jeans on that looked like they were so low that the thong was sticking out but it was actually part of the jeans. Howard told Robin that she's got to get a pair of those jeans. He asked DJ to demonstrate for them and she was willing to do it so they got Richard Christy in there to be the lap dance guy. Howard told Richard that he'd have to be vocal during the dance so they'd know what was going on. Howard told DJ she had a nice ass and a good body. Fred played some music and DJ tor right into the dancing. She did the vibrating thing and Richard said it felt great. She said she can do it in different positions and do it. She said she has to rest sometimes because she gets fatigued after doing it for a short time. Richard said she found the sweet spot while she was dancing.
Howard asked DJ to come over to him and demonstrate the vibration on him. She went over and he seemed to like it quite a bit. He sent her over to Artie to demonstrate it on him as well. DJ said it's harder to do when a guy has a belly like Artie. Artie said it felt like sitting on a washer or dryer or something. Fred wanted to give it a try as well so DJ went over to demonstrate it on him. Fred was the guy who found her e-mail and helped get her on the show. Fred wondered how she does that as she was vibrating. Artie wanted to do the right thing and gave her a $20 bill. Howard said you can see DJ in The Devils Playhouse which is available at TwilightShow.com/Devils.htm. DJ dances at a place called Christy's Cabaret in Phoenix, Arizona. Howard wrapped up the segment and told DJ to talk to Ronnie if she's looking to dance over at Scores. He went to break after that.
Howard asked Artie what was up with his eating today. Artie told him about the Pop-Tarts, M&Ms, cookies, bagel and coffee meals that he's had today. He didn't have any explanation for all of the eating other than the fact that it's Friday. Howard had Robin start her news so they could get out of there. Ralph called in and told Howard that he's never pleasured himself in his apartment. He said he may have done something in his Hampton's house though. Howard said he didn't want to hear about that and hung up on him.
Howard corrected Shuli about a Krytonite discussion they were having earlier in the show. Howard said that he was right when he said that there are 5 types of Kryptonite, green, gold, blue, white and red. He had some notes about what each one does to Superman and went over them with Robin who said she had no idea about any of them.
During the news Howard and Robin brought up how the crew there at the station have gotten in on a lottery pool for the big 100 million New York lottery. Gary told Howard that there are 27 people in on the pool so if they won the full amount, they'd end up with about 3.7 million each. Howard and Robin seemed to be fine with that, they said they'd take whatever they could get. Robin finished up her news after that. Howard ended the show around 10:20am.