For the week of 01/31/2005 to 02/04/2005

• Artie Calls In Sick. 01/31/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''Howard Stern Will Rock You'' song parody, Train performing ''Calling all Angels'' live in the studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about how he needed to take some Airborne to try and stop the cold he felt coming on. He was shaking a lot of hands over the weekend and that's where he thinks he picked something up. As he was talking about that he had his opening theme song playing and thought about how he'd like to change it. Fred said that whenever they talk about changing it, people tell them not to. Howard heard a instrumental song at his gym recently that he'd like to use but he doesn't know the name of it.

  Artie is out sick so Howard said the message he left was pretty funny. He played the message and said it's funny how people feel like they have to play it up a bit. Artie coughed a few times and it sounded like he was playing it up a little. He said he was going to rest today and he'd probably be back tomorrow. Howard said if he put that kind of work into ''Dirty Work'' it might have been a hit. Robin thought it was funny because he figured he'd be able to sleep off this illness by tomorrow. Howard replayed the message and wondered how Artie got that cough to come out right as he was starting his message. He said he could listen to that message all day long.

• K-Rock Christmas Party Discussion. 01/31/05. 6:10am
  Howard said he heard that Robin fell down at their Christmas party on Friday night. She said she was trying to push someone into the mosh pit and she slipped and fell because the floor was wet. Howard talked about the party, which was held on January 28th instead of sometime in December when it should have been held. He talked about how he thinks he shamed Tom Chiusano into holding a party and it was too late to hold it in December. Tom came in and said that wasn't the case and they had to put it off because their scheduled date of December 23rd was too late in the month and no one would have shown up. Howard doesn't think that there will be any Christmas party there once he leaves. He said he thinks the company will say it costs to much money and they won't hold it. Tom said that the Hard Rock did a great job with the party but Howard wanted to tell the story and told him to stop.

  Howard said that Tom took over the whole Hard Rock Cafe this year instead of just taking over a little bit of a balcony. Howard complained about past years and how bad the parties used to be. He feels that his pressuring Tom over the years is what led to this nice party that Tom threw on Friday. There was a Las Vegas gambling set up, a deejay and good food there according to Howard. That's where Howard had to shake a lot of hands and probably picked up his cold. Howard ended up replaying Artie's message and goofed on him again for a couple of minutes. Robin said that there was one time that Jackie The Joke Man called in and said he wasn't coming in because it had snowed but he hadn't looked outside yet and it never snowed.

  Howard was going to take Robin out to dinner on Friday night because the Christmas party was better than they thought. There was a surprise guest at the party and Howard had to stick around to see it. Billy Idol showed up and sang Karaoke to his own songs. Howard said Billy ripped his shirt off at one point and then Benjy ripped his shirt off and lifted Billy Idol up. There may be a picture over on Howard's web site later today. Howard said Billy was a nice guy but he remembered how he was kind of a dick to him years ago when he interviewed him over at WNBC. Howard said this time he turned out to be a really nice guy and he had fun talking to him. Robin talked a little more about slipping and falling on the floor. She said that Mr. X didn't see her fall so she just hid behind him after she fell.

  Howard felt really bad because he wasn't able to call the restaurant where he had a reservation that night. The Il Molino restaurant only has one phone line and it was so busy that they weren't able to get through to cancel their reservation. Howard figured they'd never let them come back but they let him off the hook after they told him that they only have one phone line.

  Tom told Howard that he got in trouble with his wife after the Christmas party. He went to the party without his wife and then went over to Scores East Side. Tom said that Lonnie told him that the place was his that night and told him he could do anything he wanted. Tom ended up giving the other guys some money for lap dances instead of getting them himself. Tom didn't like that there was a lot of smoke over there from people smoking. He had to get out of there a little early. Tom also said that J.D. was the life of the party over there and was the king of the lap dance. Howard said J.D. is a weird guy because he e-mails Beth all the time but when she goes up to him at the party, he doesn't have anything to say. He's really unfriendly for some reason. J.D. Said he likes to talk to Beth but a million people come up to her and interrupt his discussion so he falls apart. Howard said that J.D. Has gotten better at his ''hello's'' but he's got to work on his rap. J.D. Said he had about 7 or 8 lap dances that night at Scores. Tom said there was one very cute blonde there that he liked.

  Howard said that Jason was working one of the interns at the Christmas party. Beth told Howard that she talked to her and she's in a deep relationship with her boyfriend so Jason wasted his whole night talking to her. Jason came in and said he did waste his night but she's a good friend. Howard said that Jason was the weirdo who dances funny and didn't know it. He was getting a lot of attention from everyone there because of the way he was dancing. Jason said that he ended up getting drunk and started to tell this chick a story about how things weren't working out between him and his girlfriend... even though things are fine. Howard said that these Christmas parties encourage inter-office dating because they don't allow spouses to come to the party. Howard and Robin brought their girlfriend and boyfriend though. They broke the rules but Tom didn't seem to have a problem with that. Howard had to take a break a short time later.

• Various Stuff. 01/31/05. 6:45am
  Howard came back from break and played a news report about how the Clear Channel stations that pulled him from their stations have lost ratings since then. Howard said the best thing will be if they can pull of this whole satellite thing and make Clear Channel bankrupt. Howard read an article about the FCC being very inconsistent with their fines over the years. He quickly moved on to replay the voice mail message that Artie left this morning. Howard said someone pointed out it sounded like Babe Ruth when he got throat cancer and made a speech. Howard played both messages to compare the two and Artie sounded a lot like Babe Ruth. Howard would play a little Babe and then a little Artie. Robin liked the little cough that Artie gave at the start of his message.

  Howard read an article about Michael Jackson talking about how he doesn't want to have these sleep overs at his house anymore because of the allegations that have come out against him lately. Howard had some audio of Michael talking about that stuff and how shocked he is by the stories that have come out about him. Howard said he's waiting to hear the whole story before he passes judgement on Jackson.

  Howard read a story about Montel Williams' wife in the National Enquirer that says she may be in trouble for having come on Howard's show to talk about Montel. Montel wants her charged with contempt because she was talking about certain things with Howard on his show. Howard moved on and talked about this new Google Desktop software that's out now that allows you to search stuff on your computer. There was an article he read from a magazine called Bottom Line that suggests running some security on that search because it may allow other people to search his computer. Howard said he'll wait until the software is safe before he puts it on his computer. He'll wait until Jeff Schick from IBM gives him the okay to put it on. Howard ended up talking about how he's been trying to get himself organized lately. He's taking courses and using organizers to get himself set up. He takes a half hour every night to work on that stuff.

• Weekend Fun With Gary And Sal. 01/31/05. 6:55am
  Howard read a letter he got from some company that offered to sponsor him and 3 other members of the show for the World Series of Poker challenge out in Las Vegas this July. Howard said he knows his agent will probably tell them not to do it but he thinks it would be fun. Howard wasn't sure which hotel the event was being held at and he knows that they'll never do it anyway. Howard said it takes place when they're on vacation... They may not even be on the air by that time though. He and Robin talked about how they'd like to stay there for the rest of the year but they're not sure that will happen. Howard said he heard that as soon as the company knows what they're going to do as far as a replacement, they're going to boot him out of there. Howard wants to do a tour and go to the markets he's on in but he doesn't think that will happen. Gary came in and said that he was down in Florida this weekend and the station down there said they want to get as much out of this year as possible so they want to bring him back as much as they can. Howard told a story about a salesman that Gary talked to down there. The guy worked for Clear Channel in Pittsburgh and when they dumped the show, he moved down to Miami to sell the show. Then Miami dumped the show so he moved to West Palm Beach to work for the station that still has him on down there. The guy loves selling his show so he's been moving around to keep doing that.

  Gary was down in Florida at a race track making an appearance. He said that they had an open drag race night so anyone could race whatever car they wanted to. Gary told Howard about all of the different cars people showed up with and how they were kind of ''hick-ish'' but they were really nice people. There were a lot of fans of the show there so they didn't want to bad mouth them too bad.

  Howard said that Sal the Stockbroker had to fly Beetlejuice up to Vermont over the weekend. Sal had to put Beetlejuice behind him on the plane because his breath was so bad. Sal came in and said that his breath smelled like fish and dog manure. Sal said that the breath started coming through his cushion even when he was behind him. Sal said that the station up there in Burlington is behind Howard just like that West Palm Beach station is. Sal also told Howard how crazy people go for Beetlejuice at these comedy shows. Beetlejuice ended up licking blue cheese dressing from a woman's ass at the comedy show. It's something that comedian Rev. Bob Levy has handed down to Beetlejuice. Sal also told Howard that they sent Beetlejuice into a fast food restaurant to buy a happy meal with some monopoly money. They told Beetlejuice that they were in a different country and that's why the money looked funny. Beet ended up getting pissed and asked them why they wouldn't take his money.

  Gary got back to his story about the drag race appearance he was at. He said that the part the guys really like is doing the burn out. He described it to Howard as if it was something he'd never heard of or seen in his life. Howard said he'd go to something like that to watch a bunch of maniacs race their cars like that. Robin wondered if that lead anywhere or if it was just a big waste of time. Gary said there wasn't any prize that they were going for or anything like that. Gary said he did one drag race where he drove a van against another car from the radio station down there. Gary said that he got a ticket that showed his reaction time and the total time for his run down the 1/4 mile. He didn't know what any of it meant but he was told he had a good reaction time. After the drag racing he got to take some fans over to a go cart track and ran some go carts around. Gary also got to hang out with his parents down there.

  Comedian Craig Gass called in and said that he was at the show that Sal and Beetlejuice was at. Craig told Howard that when Beetlejuice at the blue cheese it really disgusted the audience. He also said that Beetlejuice's breath was so bad that he could smell it when he wasn't even f'n talking. Howard had to go to break right after that call.

• Howard Plays Audio From ''60 Minutes.'' 01/31/05. 7:30am
  After the break Howard played a couple of audio clips including one where Wendy the Retard and Fred the Elephant Boy sang a song together. They also replayed a call that Crazy Cabbie took from a guy one time where the guy thought he was calling AOL to cancel his service but Cabbie told him he couldn't cancel it. They played a clip of Kiefer Sutherland's appearance on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' where he said his favorite word is gravitas and his least favorite is ''nig***.'' They also reworked that clip to make it sound like Kiefer said his favorite word was ''nig***.''

  Howard said that tonight's E! show features Gary Garver asking Porn Stars questions at the 2005 AVN Awards. He had a few more tapes to play so he went through the pile he had on his console. Hillary Swank was on ''60 Minutes'' last night and someone told Howard that it looked like Mike Wallace was in love with her. Gary saw her on ''60 Minutes'' and she didn't look all that good. He also said that Mike Wallace was walking arm and arm together with her during the interview. Howard had some audio from the interview that he played after Gary filled him in on some of the stuff that happened in the interview. Swank talked about how she had a staff infection from a blister she had on her foot. She claims that she never told anyone about it and they didn't know until that moment. Hillary claims she didn't tell anyone about the infection because that's what real boxers go through. Gary said that Howard almost stopped filming his movie just because he had to get on the wires for his Fart Man appearance reenactment. Howard continued to play some of the interview where Clint Eastwood talked about how great an actress Swank is. There was another part where Swank talks about why she takes the subway every day. She said that it's the best ''people watching'' in the world on that subway. She uses it to study people so she can use that in her work. Gary had Howard play a few other clips from the show that he thought were kind of interesting. In one clip Swank talked about a dream she had about saving someone. That led to her going to take a CPR course and ended up using it about 3 months later trying to save someone who passed out from a heart attack. Swank then broke down and cried as she was telling Mike Wallace that the guy ended up dying. Howard said she probably killed the guy giving him CPR. Gary said that Howard would never tell a story like that during an interview. Howard said he's had dreams that he was Dr. Sal Calabro and he had to give women breast implants. Howard played the introduction that Mike Wallace did for Swank. As he was talking about that the delay was hit for some reason but it wasn't clear why. Gary told Howard about how they also did a report about that guy from the Ukraine who was poisoned and now his face is a mess from the dioxin poisoning. Howard said he feels really bad for that guy.

  A listener called in and told Howard that he had a Beth O story to tell. He said he can't believe that Howard ''lets'' Beth ride that rat hole. Howard said he doesn't have any control over that. It's all up to her and she does what she wants to do. The caller said that when she steps on the subway she has 400 eyes on her looking at her like she's a shrine. Howard said he's tried to get her to take limos and stuff but she doesn't want to take them.

• Chaunce Hayden Questions Howard About Anna Benson. 01/31/05. 7:50am
  Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard about a story he read in the paper about Anna Benson over the weekend. In the article she said that she could call Howard on his cell phone to try and get him to throw out the first ball at a game this year. Chaunce thought it was interesting that she was making it seem like she had Howard's number. Howard said she doesn't have his number. Chaunce also told Howard he liked the movie ''Quills'' and he should check it out. Howard had seen it but didn't know until Robin told him what the movie was about. Howard also said he watched the movie ''Collateral'' over the weekend and Jamie Foxx was really good in it. He said that the guy is in the movie more than Tom Cruise but he only got an Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. He thought that was kind of weird. Howard said the movie started out good but it went bad about halfway through. Howard mentioned Leila Arcieri's name at one point so Chaunce asked him if he ever got her. Howard said he never did and he didn't try because she was working for him back when he knew her. He said he didn't want to screw things up with the TV show (Son of the Beach) and didn't try to get her. Chaunce thinks that if Howard had made a move on her, she would have gone for him. Chaunce seemed to think that Howard should be able to get just about any woman he wants since he's so famous. Howard told him he's nuts to be thinking like that.

  Chaunce double checked with Howard about the Anna Benson phone number thing as he was getting off the phone. Fred played a new song parody called ''Chaunce'' to the tune of ''Let it Be'' as they were wrapping up the phone call. Gary came in and told Howard he might have given Anna his phone number the day she was on the show... but he wasn't sure. He doesn't think he did but no one was sure about that. Howard went to break a short time later.

• Bong Hit Bill Checks In. 01/31/05. 8:15am
  After the commercials Howard played a prank call that Gary the Retard made to a place and asked them how to clean his drawers. After playing the phone call Howard mentioned that they have some girls on his web site so the fans can check out who would be coming in with Joe Francis and Doug Stanhope later in the show. Howard took a call from Bong Hit Bill who asked about something that Howard had already talked about earlier in the morning. That led to Howard talking about how he'd love to do a 2 hour show first thing in the morning, then repeat it from 8-10 for the people who didn't hear the first 2 hours. He said that research shows that most people don't listen for all 4 hours of the show. There are only a few wackos out there who have time to listen to the whole show according to Howard.

  Howard replayed a prank call that Richard Christy made to a restaurant using clips of a wacky guy from American Idol who kept saying ''Can you dig it?'' Howard also had some new clips from COPS that he played after that. There was one guy who was arrested for breaking into his wife's house who went nuts yelling and screaming as he was being arrested. Howard said those guys filming the scene have to know they have a gold mine when they see stuff like that. Sal the Stockbroker came in and gave Howard a remix of a COPS episode and the guy from American Idol, Leroy Wells. Howard played another clip from COPS where a girl was talking about using heroin and how she was trying to stop. Howard said that show is great. The phone caller Howard had on the line asked Howard to replay Artie's voice mail message that he played earlier in the morning. Howard thought he was done with that but this guy was asking him to replay the show from this morning. Howard said that he had to re-cue the tape so he had Bong Hit Bill take another hit off his bong. Then he replayed Artie's call and goofed on him for faking the cough he seemed to be putting on. Bong Hit Bill said that Artie was probably just trying to get over a hangover or something from the weekend. Howard also replayed the audio clip of Babe Ruth that he played earlier and compared Artie's call to that clip.

  Howard let Bong Hit Bill go and moved on to talk about Jay Leno's tribute to Johnny Carson again. Howard said that David Letterman is coming back tonight after being on vacation all last week. Howard said that Jay never mentioned Johnny Carson on his version of The Tonight Show all these years since he took over the show and now he's doing tributes to the guy. Letterman was a friend of Johnny's and he's got Doc Severinsen and Peter Lassally from the Tonight Show but he's a week late. Howard said it should be funny so he's going to tape it. That led to Howard replaying the Evil Dave Letterman bit they did last Monday. Howard joked that he heard that they're going to wheel in Carson's corpse on Letterman's show tonight. Howard said he'd love to get all of Carson's ex-wives on the show to talk about him so he could do a great tribute to him.

• Another Game From Shuli. 01/31/05. 8:40am
  Comedian Shuli called in and said that the only way Letterman could top Leno is if he breaks down and cries. He wondered how long it'll take Letterman to actually cry. Howard spent a minute talking about what Letterman should do to get the huge ratings he needs to blow Leno out of the water. Shuli told Howard he had another game to play based on Fred's life. Howard said he wasn't sure if he wanted to learn more about Fred though
  • When Fred had a fight with his wife at the Rainbow Room Howard told him that he'd never had to walk out of a restaurant because of a fight. Fred responded with...
    • That's because you never leave your basement.
    • You're not going to lecture me on marriage.
    • You're a very lucky guy. - Correct answer
  • Later in the conversation Howard told Fred to take it like a man and Fred came back with...
    • What do you know about being a man.
    • Why don't you bend over and take it like a woman. - Correct answer
    • I'm leaving.
  • When Howard asked Fred if he would ever lose control again, Fred said...
    • If you keep this up I will.
    • You never know, it's a new friggin era pal. - Correct answer
    • I just hope to be there when your life falls apart.
  The game was annoying Howard so he let Shuli go. He had to move on to talk to Joe Francis and Doug Stanhope but he had to take a break first.

• Joe Francis, Doug Stanhope And Hot Chicks. 01/31/05. 9:00am
  Howard introduced Joe Francis who created the Girls Gone Wild video series. Doug Stanhope is a comedian who has been working with joe on some stuff lately. Howard wondered where the girls were that they brought in. They came walking in a few seconds later. Howard jokingly asked the girls which of them was raped by Joe. Howard asked if any of the girls had slept with Joe yet. They were saying that they didn't so Howard questioned them. The first girl, Andrea, said that she didn't have sex with Joe so Howard asked Joe if that was true. Joe said he would let them answer themselves. Jolene was up next and said that the half time show was coming up soon and who knows what might happen then. She said she hasn't done anything yet. The next girl, Carrie, said that she would not swear on the life of anyone so Howard figured that she must have slept with him. Howard spoke to the girls for a short time and then moved on to talk to Joe about the accusations that came out against him not too long ago. Joe said he was never charged with anything, he sued her and the whole thing went away after that. He was going to sue her for $25,000,036. The $36 was for the room service charges she racked up the day after she was with him. Joe said all of his other problems have been cleared up as well.

  Howard asked Joe about the Guys Gone Wild videos that Joe put out and if they sold any. Joe said that they actually sold very well. Joe said that he thought Doug hosted that even better than he did with the Girls Gone Wild thing. Doug said he had nothing to do with that stuff though. Howard thought the girls Joe brought in were really cute so he got back to them a short time later. He asked them what they're going to be doing for this half time show that they're doing next weekend. They're going to be doing this bucking bronco type thing on a mattress so Howard wanted to see what they were going to do. The girls said that they were going to be getting into sexual positions that are yelled out to them as this bed his moving around. The guys tried to do the bit but the delay button was hit a few times.

  Howard asked Doug if he's banging any of these chicks. Doug said he's married plus, he wouldn't want to leave his DNA anywhere within 100 miles of Joe Francis. Howard asked Joe about this Pay-Per-View event. Joe told Howard that there will be full nudity during the event. Howard wanted to get a preview by having the girls get naked but it wasn't happening. One of the girls forgot her ID so they had to wait for that to show up. Howard wondered if the girls are going to be paid for this. The girls said that Joe is taking care of them very well. Joe is worth a lot of money because of the videos and he was able to buy his own private jets. Howard read that the Girls Gone Wild tapes made $100 million last year. Joe said a lot of the money went to E! which is where they advertise those videos quite a bit.

  Howard gave the guys a plug for their half time show which will air during the Super Bowl half time next weekend. Joe went on to tell Howard how ''normal'' Doug's wife is. Doug said that Joe even told her that she was surprised that she was so ''normal.'' Howard wondered how far Doug will go with these girls. Doug said that he doesn't do anything with them and he's really anti-social these days. Doug said that he doesn't have anything in common with most of the girls he meets and if he wasn't married, he'd probably be with some old whore.

  Howard asked some of the girls some general knowledge questions to find out how smart they were. Jolene knew that the Vice President was Cheney. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her. He kind of knew her life story and guessed that her father was never around. Howard asked Andrea when her parents split up but she said that her parents have been together for 39 years. Jason came in and told Howard that they got authorization to put two of the girls on the front page of HowardStern.com if they got topless. That led to Joe talking about how Jolene wanted to get implants but he didn't think that she should do it. She's getting them in 3 weeks though so it may be too late. She's going to get a 440 CC implant that should make her a C-cup. Howard asked a couple of the girls to make out but one of them said she doesn't do that unless she's drunk. One girl said that she promised herself that she wouldn't make out with another girl on TV for some reason. Howard told her to just go ahead and do it. She said she'd do it off the air no problem. She wasn't even sure why she wouldn't do it. Howard said they were supposed to be ''Girls Gone Wild'' but no one was getting wild.

  Doug told Howard to ask Athena about doing it because she just got out of high school last year. Howard spoke to her for about 30 seconds and then wrapped up the interview. He gave Joe a couple more plugs. He was about to end the interview but Doug Goodstein came in and suggested putting the girls in the RoboSpanker. They also suggested the tickle chair but one of the girls said that being tickled to death is her worst fear. They picked a different girl to get into the tickle chair. Howard went over and tickled the girl for a couple of minutes. She was cringing before he even touched her though. Howard tried to tickle her but she said he sucked. Gary gave it a try and managed to tickle her pretty good. She was screaming out as he was tickling her arm pits. She said she's also ticklish near her waist so Gary tried that and got her screaming out again. The girl who was scared of the tickling eventually agreed to get into the chair. She begged them not to tickle her feet though. Howard told the guys to take her shoes off but she said that she would have to get out of the chair if they took them off. Doug Stanhope told her that if she wanted them to stop tickling her, she'd have to make out with another girl. She agreed to that but Howard wasn't able to tickle to that point. Howard said that he might just tune in for this Half Time show that they're doing. Joe told Howard that they have about 40 girls participating in the event doing various things.

  Howard said there was no time left to play with the RoboSpanker but Gary told Howard that one of the girls likes to be spanked and actually has a bruise on her ass from being spanked. Howard said that maybe they could do it quickly and had her get in the machine. He spanked her a couple of times and she didn't think it was all that painful. After a couple more hits she was feeling it so Howard let her out of the machine. Howard gave the guys some more plugs and then went to commercial break.

• Howard's Mail Bag. 01/31/05. 9:50am
  After the break Howard said that those girls were really hot. He didn't plan on doing anything with them in the tickle chair until Doug from E! came in. He knows that they did that so they can use it as the promo at the beginning of the show. Fred told Howard that Benjy was moaning in the back of the studio as all of that was going on. Benjy was also sitting in Artie's chair because he finds it more comfortable than his own. Howard told him to go back to his seat because there's a reason they have him back in the corner where he sits. Howard said his favorite chick was one who had dark hair. He also liked the one who was a cheerleader in high school. Howard asked Gary to have her come back in so she could cheer for him but she'd already left.

  Howard read through some e-mail after that. There was some feedback about last week's Win Fred's Money. He also got some mail from someone defending Jay Leno. Howard talked about an article he read about late night shows and how the biggest fiasco in the late night shows is Stuttering John being on Leno's show. Howard quickly mentioned that the head of Spike TV, Albi Hecht, was let go because it's supposed to be a channel for men but too many women were watching. Howard saw one show they had on there the other night where they had an award show for cars. He said he doesn't think anyone was watching that. His girlfriend Beth has a show on the channel and her show was just renewed because the ratings went up like 32 percent.

• Howard's Web Site Of The Day. 01/31/05. 10:00am
  Howard said he was on a wild web site over the weekend. Kidd Chris told him about this site featuring a 19 year old white girl who only sleeps with black guys. He said that in one video the girl is calling the guy a ''nig***'' and it was actually kind of disturbing. Howard said he had to watch the video even though he didn't think it was cool for her to be calling the guy the N-word. Howard said the site was SpringThomas.com. He asked Richard Christy if he'd been on the site yet. Richard came in and said he hadn't been on there yet but he sounded interested. Howard said that he was partying with Richard on Friday night at the Christmas party. Robin said that Richard never danced though. Richard said he can't dance, that's why he didn't dance. Howard said that Jason dances but he dances really bad.

  Richard said he spoke to Beth for a little while and she was really nice. Howard said he doesn't like that she's that nice and he'd like to have a girl who doesn't talk to anyone but him. He said he dated one girl like that after his divorce and she would only pay attention to him. She wouldn't talk to anyone else when they went out and he liked that.

  Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that some of the girls were freaked out by Richard at Scores on Friday night. Richard apparently just sits there and stares at the girls because he's used to staring at them on his computer. Richard said he blew about $200 over there at Scores that night and it was ''money well spent.'' Howard is thinking of just blowing off their staff meeting on Thursday to have a Scores party instead. Howard said that he probably wouldn't put Richard on his list to go because he's too weird. He was just joking around and said he kind of likes guys like that because it makes him seem more normal.

  Howard had Robin start her news after that. During the news a guy called in and asked Howard if they sent anyone over to Sony last week to interview the people who were protesting the fact that they won't release Fiona Apple's album. Gary said they did send someone over there but there were only about 6 people there and they were pretty normal. There really wasn't anything interesting in the tapes they had. Howard said he might have to check it out tomorrow though. He said he'd also like to hear the stuff that Sony is rejecting saying that they can't release the album. Howard ended the show around 10:35am.

• Artie Lange Returns. 02/01/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''Tom Chiusano Home Bleeping System'' commercial parody, John Mellencamp performing a medley of songs live in the studio (Jack and Diane, Pink Houses, Small Town, Peaceful World, Paper and Fire).

  Howard said that he'd had a frantic day already. He wasn't able to get everything done yesterday and he couldn't sleep last night. He's been trying to fix up one side of his apartment so he had a decorator and a construction guy at his apartment and they told him how much it was going to cost him and he couldn't believe it. Artie said that it's never that amount once it's done either. Howard figured he was being taken advantage of so he was all revved up about that. He was also looking over scripts for his ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon last night.

  Howard asked Robin what she's been eating for dinner lately. She said that she's on a fast right now so she's just drinking her magical elixir from ''The Master Cleanser.'' Artie was laughing at her so she made fun of him for not showing up at work yesterday. That led to Howard telling him how they goofed on that call yesterday like crazy. Howard played it again and made fun of Artie for putting on that cough of his. Artie said that he wasn't putting it on and really couldn't help but cough during the call. Artie thought that he sounded a bit like Springsteen. He also told Howard that he was sick all weekend and wasn't out drinking like Howard thought he was. Artie didn't want to come in and not be able to talk so that's why he called in sick. Howard also replayed the Babe Ruth audio clip from when he had throat cancer. They alternated between Artie and Babe and Artie seemed to find that pretty funny. He was laughing his ass off as that was being played. Howard had a phony phone call that the guys made using Artie's message. They called a deli and had Artie calling in sick to the place. The guy at the deli told him that it was the wrong number but they kept it going anyway. After that Howard played a bit they put together for ''Best Actor'' featuring Artie getting nominated for his phone call.

  A woman called in and asked Howard if she could have Artie call in sick to work for her. Another guy called in and did the ''Wah, wah'' thing about Artie calling in sick. Howard said that the e-mail about Artie not coming in yesterday was brutal. He read through some of it and the people were really rough on him. There were a bunch of people who complained about Artie and how the show is better without him. Howard read another e-mail from a guy who asked Howard to post a link to the ''Shoo, shoo Retarded Flu'' phony phone call with Gary the Retard. Howard said he's not in the web site business so he won't be posting that on his web site. If the writer's sister can't hear the show, he suggested that she drive to New York to listen. He played the call as he was going to break.

• Howard's Fresno Station Goes Spanish. 02/01/05. 6:30am
  After the commercials Howard played another song parody featuring Artie's voice mail message from when he called in sick yesterday. The mixed that with an AC/DC song and played up the coughing a little bit. Howard said that was created by Dan the Song Parody Man.

  Howard read an article about how his radio station out in Fresno, California, KKDG, has switched over to a Spanish channel but they're keeping Howard on there. Howard finds it interesting that the company does that and doesn't bother telling him. Howard said that it's an Infinity owned station and they don't even fill him in on that stuff. They may only be keeping Howard on for a couple of weeks. Howard said it seems like the company hates him now and they're not keeping him filled on that stuff. He said he doesn't know what to make of that. They were just doing fine on that station out there but now it looks like they're going to drop the show. Artie thought it was funny that they're going to keep them on the station and play Spanish stuff the rest of the day.

  Howard read the notes about the stuff that they hit the delay button on during yesterday's show. He described one of the things that was censored and the delay button was hit again. It had something to do with the word anus and he had the delay buttton hit on him once again today. Howard showed Artie the girls that were on the show yesterday for the Girls Gone Wild segment. He said that they're on his web site if you want to check them out. Howard showed Artie some of the pictures since he missed out on it yesterday. He was showing Artie the pictures of one of the girl's asses and told him how they were tickling them. Jason came in and said that they're going to have about 100 pictures up on the site later today. Howard wanted Jason to take care of getting those pictures up on the site. Jason said that he doesn't make any of the final decisions about what they put on the site every day. They had a bunch of great pictures but they weren't all up there. Jason said that there's a bunch of photo gallery links on the site and they'll have more pictures up today. Howard just wants to make sure that people know where to go to find this stuff. Howard wants a big link on the site so people can find the stuff they're looking for.

  Howard got back to his complaining about what they were hitting the button on during yesterday's show. Once again, the button was hit again as Howard was describing what the button was hit on. Howard said it's definitely time for him to get out of regular radio because of stuff like that.

  Gary Garver called in from California to tell Howard how weird the whole Fresno radio station thing is.They play Howard until 11am and then play Spanish stuff the rest of the day. Howard asked him to get some tape so he can hear the transition from his show to the Spanish stuff. Howard said it would have been nice if Joel Hollander had let him know about that when he had his meeting with him recently. Howard said he's always been trustworthy and he wouldn't have said anything if they'd just let him know about the change. He's honoring his contract with the company and you'd think that they'd keep him in the loop. Gary said it's a shame that the company is treating him the way they are right now. Howard said that they have every right to go Spanish and not tell him but he is the morning guy on that station out there. He said he's really not sure what the company should do. He let Gary go a short time later and ended up replaying the Babe Ruth audio against Artie's voice mail. Howard also replayed the prank call they made to a deli using Artie's voice mail message.

• Crazy Cabbie, Oops, I Mean, Lee Mroszak Calls In. 02/01/05. 6:50am
  Crazy Cabbie (Lee Mroszak) called in to talk to Howard about what's going on with him lately. Fred played Cabbie's intro song as Howard was getting ready to put him on the air. Cabbie said that he's in rehab today and he's supposed to get out tomorrow. He asked Howard to be called ''Lee'' instead of Cabbie from now on. Howard said that he's not going back to Lee when he's on the show because he's been Crazy Cabbie for years. He said that he was never ''Crazy'' Cabbie, he was just Cabbie. Howard said that he won't be calling him Lee when he sees him. He's going to call him Cabbie, not Lee. Cabbie asked that they drop the Crazy part of that but Howard said that he's always going to be Crazy because he is crazy. Cabbie said something about how he knew he had ''the tools'' to get better but he just wasn't using them. Now he has and he's getting better. Gary asked Cabbie if he's been sharing stories about his life with strangers at the rehab center. Cabbie said that he's not going to talk about that stuff with them. Howard told Cabbie that he doesn't want to get involved with him with something that he asked for. He was being cryptic because Cabbie asked him to do something off the air. Cabbie didn't want Howard to talk about exactly what it was so Howard didn't tell the whole story.

  Cabbie asked Howard about what happened at the Christmas party on Friday night. Howard told him about Billy Idol singing some of his own songs karaoke style. Benjy ended up taking his shirt off along with Billy at the party and it was pretty funny. Howard said that was the big surprise at the party and it went over pretty well. Howard said that Billy was really good as he was performing. There was a whole mosh pit going on at the party while that was happening. Cabbie told Howard that he's lost about 45 pounds while he's been in rehab. He didn't want to talk about what he's going to be doing once he gets out. He also asked Howard if he's going to take his web site to a new level when he moves over to the new media in satellite. Howard said he keeps his web site pretty clean and they let anyone log on at this point. Cabbie said he's been thinking about that for a long time. Howard said it's kind of hot to keep some things covered up on the web site.

  Howard took a call from a guy who asked Cabbie not to call in if he's not going to talk about his stuff on the air. He said that he should stop ''Wah, wah, wahing'' on the air. Cabbie said he's got some legal things going on and can't talk about certain things. Cabbie asked Howard if he has any positions open at Sirius on one of his three stations when he makes his move. Howard told Cabbie that he has to take it one step at a time. He has to try and keep himself out of jail and keep his job there at K-Rock. Cabbie said he'll be in the city today and he's getting a new place to live on the water somewhere so he can live peacefully with his dog Milton. Cabbie is now staying away from TV so it's not talking to him anymore. He said he's back on his meds and he's happy that way. Tom Chiusano came in and asked Lee how things are going and wondered why he was asking Howard for a job when he's not even back at his job there yet. Robin said that she's got an explanation and it has something to do with his ''Crazy Cabbie'' name. Tom said that Cabbie has to pass an evaluation before he's allowed to go back on the air. The guys were wondering if he's going to go by Cabbie or by Lee when he's on the air. Cabbie said that he's probably going to go by Cabbie because he did create that character on the air all these years.

  Howard talked about a friend he had who used to go by Lee Masters but eventually changed his name to his real name of Yarl Moan and it was tough to call him by that name. Gary said that Robin tried to go by Robin Ophelia Quivers for a while but that didn't work. Howard wasn't sure if Cabbie would be able to keep this up for long. He had to let him go because Cabbie's time was up. Howard wondered if Tom knew anything about the Fresno station but he said he didn't know anything. Howard had to take a break a short time later.

• AJ From Fresno Affiliate Calls In. 02/01/05. 7:25am
  Howard came back and took a call from AJ, their Board Op in Fresno, California. AJ told Howard that he was told that Howard's show would be on the air for the rest of the year. Howard read that it was just going to be a couple of weeks so AJ got worried when he heard that. AJ told Howard that they used to have Howard in the morning, a local guy after that and then Tom Leykis in the afternoon. Now there are some pissed off people out there because of the format change. Howard said he can't imagine that he'll be on that station for the rest of the year but, who knows?

  A listener called in and said he checked out the pictures of Benjy at the Christmas party on his web site and thought that they were pretty disturbing. The caller also thought that there were no other black people working at the station other than Robin. Howard said there are a few who work there. The caller also said that he thought no spouses were allowed at the party but Ralph was there. The guy went off on Ralph a little bit and called him a loser. That led to Howard talking about how Ralph is now 40 years old but he tries to keep that a secret from the girls at Scores.

  Howard brought up the Michael Jackson trial that's going on and how he was dressed in all white yesterday. He had a statement from Jackson that they remixed to make it sound like he was saying ''Over the years i have helped myself to thousands of children with cancer.'' They had a few other things that they remixed. Jackson said ''I deserve cancer,'' ''Through the years I have leaked into thousands of children,'' and ''I love my disgusting children'' and a couple of other dopey things. Howard asked the guys if they think Jackson will spend time in jail. Howard thinks that he won't go to jail. Fred agreed and Artie thinks that Jackson will go to jail. Fred said that the evidence isn't really that strong in his opinion. Howard said he's going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and wait until he hears more about the case.

• Jason Questions People At A Fiona Apple Demonstration. 02/01/05. 7:30am
  Howard brought up Fiona Apple and tried to remember what songs of hers were hits. Gary was trying to tell Howard which ones they were but he couldn't remember how they went. Fred ended up playing a couple of her performances when she was on the show. Howard said she must have been in trouble to have come on his show. That led to Howard talking about how Gary got a call from Shannon Elizabeth's people who asked them if they'd have her on the show. Gary said that he got a few e-mails about that and then they were retracted within minutes. Howard said they were also offered Mary Steenburgen. Gary said that her publicist also gave them a lame excuse about why she wasn't going to be able to make it on the show. Gary told Howard about how Fiona Apple got upset with Howard when he confronted her about a joke she made about Chris Rock looking like a burnt match during an award show.

  Howard went on to talk about how Fiona's new album was not released by Sony so there were some very upset people, about 6, who showed up to Sony's headquarters in New York City to demonstrate and demand that they release her album. Jason went down to interview those people. Jason asked one woman about why she was there. He asked the woman if she'd let Fiona throw feces at her face if Sony would agree to release the album. The woman said she wouldn't do that. Jason also asked an guy who flew in from Ireland to go to this demonstration. The guy said that Fiona is a visionary. Jason tried to get a chant started by yelling out ''Free Fiona'' but no one was joining in. No one cared that much. Howard said they eventually got some chanting going with those people but it didn't last long. Jason asked a couple of other people about Fiona so Howard whipped through those clips.

• Howard Plays Late Show Audio Clips. 02/01/05. 7:40am
  Howard had tape from David Letterman's show where he did a tribute to Johnny Carson... a week late. Howard described what went on during the show and joked that Dave made love to Johnny's corpse on stage after doing some of his monolog. He also joked that CBS let the show run long for ''Stupid Corpse Tricks.'' Letterman interviewed Doc Severinsen and Peter Lassally from the old Tonight Show during that show. Howard thinks it's weird that Ed McMahon went over to the Jay Leno camp. He was about to play the tape from the show but he had to take a break first.

  After the break Howard had an audio clip from ''Insider'' where they interviewed a stage manager who talked about the bad relationship that Johnny Carson and Jay Leno had. The guy explained how they cleaned house when Jay came on board and how they only kept about 4 out of 100 people who were on staff there. The guy said that Jay's tribute is about 10 years late. Howard agrees with the guy and has been saying that since last Monday. After hearing a quick clip of Jay pretending to cry on his show, Robin asked if he was a better actor than Artie. Howard ended up playing Artie's call from yesterday. Artie said that he's going to be out again on Friday so they can goof on him some more. Artie said he'll be out in L.A. on Friday shooting a sketch for MAD TV's 10th anniversary show. After replaying Artie's call he replayed the Babe Ruth thing as well. While he was doing that he replayed the prank call they made using Artie's phone call clips and Dan the Song Parody Man's AC/DC remix using the coughs from Artie's phone call.

• Nicole Bass Turns Down Fake Vagina Deal. 02/01/05. 8:05am
  Howard had Nicole Bass on the line so he put her on to tell her about this idea a guy came up with. Howard said that Nicole once showed Robin her private parts in the bathroom. Robin came out screaming and said that she didn't know what she saw when Nicole pulled down her pants. Howard had this guy Al Black on the phone who says he might be able to settle things. He said that he can mold private parts and immortalize them. Howard said he'd love to see what Robin saw and would like to have Nicole do it. Nicole said she doesn't want to do that and she wouldn't want someone making money off of her name. Howard said that all he'd be looking at is a mold of her. Nicole didn't sound interested at all. Al told Howard and Robin that they mold it in rubber so it looks just like the real thing. Al said it's not that uncomfortable and it's just like going to the gynecologist. Nicole refused to do it so Howard was going to let her off the hook.

  Nicole thought that Robin's reaction was a set up just so Howard could get to see her private parts. Robin said she didn't set that up. She also said that she wouldn't do anything like this after Nicole asked her. Nicole said that she's never naked and she'd rather not do this. Howard thanked Al for calling in and gave him a plug for his web site CalExotics.com. Al said they make porn star molds as well if you're interested. Howard thought it would be a cool idea for Nicole to do but he must have been wrong.

• More David Letterman Audio Clips. 02/01/05. 8:15am
  A phone caller mentioned a little dig that David Letterman gave to Jay Leno during his show last night. He made a comment about how no one has been able to do what Johnny did after he left. Howard talked about what a robot Jay is and how much he hates him since he stole Stuttering John from his show. He went off on the guy for a few minutes as he's done almost every day since last Monday. Howard got back into the David Letterman audio clips that he started to play earlier. Dave started off the show telling jokes that Johnny Carson wrote for him. Some of the jokes were kind of lame. Howard replayed a bit they put together with Evil David Letterman doing a monolog after Robin pointed out how much he sounds like the real David Letterman. The real Letterman eventually talked about how upset he was when Johnny Carson retired and how he felt about the same when he died. Howard said he didn't feel anything when Johnny retired. Howard said that Dave could have had it made if he'd had Johnny's corpse and an ex-wife on the show.

  Howard played a clip of Dave interviewing Peter Lassally who used to work on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Lassally said that he became friends with Carson after he retired. Howard seemed to feel bad for Dave because he seems like the widow of Johnny's because of everything that went on during his career. Doc Severinsen was also on Dave's show talking about Carson. Howard played a little bit of that and then took a call from Vinnie Favale from CBS. Vinnie said that he saw the ratings from last night and Dave got a 6 rating to Leno's 4.9 last night. Vinnie said that it wasn't all about ratings and Howard should sit down and watch the whole show instead of just playing a couple of clips. Vinnie was pointing out that Carson and Leno never appeared together on anything and the clips of Carson that Dave played last night were all from Dave's show. Howard wanted to know what Leno's ratings were from last Monday night. He got a hold of the ratings shortly after Vinnie got off the phone. Leno had an 11.2 rating that night. Howard said he knows that Vinnie hates when he mentions stuff like that.

  Howard came up with some ideas for what Leno could do to get huge ratings. He said that you'd see Leno digging up Carson's corpse and driving it around in a motorcycle side car and floating him around on a boat. Howard said that's how he would do a tribute to the guy. He'd even turn Carson's corpse into a boat and use him as a surf board.

• Ear Care Discussions. 02/01/05. 8:40am
  Howard changed subjects and said that he read that you should never clean your ears with Q-tips. They can damage your ears. He was telling the story and the story said that the wax will work it's way out. Robin said that's not true. Howard said after he read that he stopped using them and now his ears are itchy. Robin said she cleans her ears with a wash cloth and her finger because Q-tips can go in too deep. Robin agrees that the Q-tip is wrong so that's why she uses the wash cloth. She said that she does look at the wash cloth to see what comes out. Jason came in and told Howard that he has huge chunks of wax fall out of his ear once in a while because he doesn't use Q-tips. Brian Phelan came in and told Howard about his grandmother who was just about deaf. The doctor told her to get her ears checked for wax and they pulled out a huge chunk the size of a cigarette filter. Gary also shared a story about getting a huge chunk of wax washed from his ear back in college. He said he's been using Q-tips ever since then. Artie had his ears washed out as well and it cleaned him right out. Richie from E! came in as well to tell Howard about this candle like thing that you put in your ear. You light the end and it sucks stuff out of your ear. He said it pulls out orange looking water that's pretty nasty looking. Artie said that the water thing works though. Howard is hoping to let it go for a while so he can see a hunk fall out.

  Howard took a call from a guy who said that he uses a pencil and a tissue to clean his ears. That way you can't go in too deep. Richard Christy came in and told Howard about how he used to use ear plugs when he was playing drums. He said that the ear plugs used to push the ear wax in so he had to go every few months to get them washed out. He said it felt great when they'd do that. Howard had to take a commercial break after that.

• Howard Hopes Farid Suleman Is Self Destructing. 02/01/05. 9:00am
  After the break Howard said that he told the guys that he doesn't use shaving cream. He ends up shaving in the shower just using water. He said it doesn't hurt and he really doesn't need shaving cream. Gary said he can't shave without shaving cream because it hurts too much when the razor hits a spot without anything on it. Fred said that he doesn't use shaving cream but he doesn't have a thick beard either. Artie said he uses that Keels stuff and that's what Howard used to use.

  Howard read an article about Bill Cosby apparently confessed to police that he had sex with a woman who is claiming that he drugged her. Cosby claims that there was no intercourse involved. Gary came in and told Howard that he had a story about Farid Suleman that he might want to check out. Howard read the article and found that Farid did some sneaky stuff with one of the Citadel stations he's in charge of. They may ended up losing licenses if they get in trouble for what they did. Howard said that would be funny and goofed on Suleman for a couple of minutes doing his Indian impression. He and Artie got into it for a couple of minutes and goofed on the guy. Howard said he knew that Farid would eventually self destruct because the guy is so full of himself. He said he'd like to see him go down after the crap he pulled with his show. Howard talked about a discussion he had with Mel Karmazin when he was still there. Mel apparently didn't think all that much of Farid from what Howard was saying. Howard played The Beetles ''Instant Karma'' for Farid and continued to goof on the guy for a little while after that.

  A listener called in and told Howard about an article that was written about the product Airborne which is one of the sponsors for Howard's show. The guy said that Oprah's name was all over the article and not Howard's, even though Howard is probably the reason that the product got as big as it did. Tom Chiusano came in and said that he read an article about that product and they did mention Howard's name in that one. Howard asked Tom to comment on the Farid Suleman story he read earlier but Tom didn't want to comment on something he didn't know enough about. Robin thinks that Tom isn't commenting because he's keeping his future in mind and may need a job with him some day. Howard continued to question Tom about that stuff but Tom refused to comment on the stuff he was asking about. Howard told Tom that he could leave since he wasn't giving them a comment. Howard hopes that Farid will be fired if the FCC does come down on them.

  Howard had Robin start her news after the Farid discussions. During the news Howard said that their old friend Al Rosenberg's wife died recently. Howard gave his condolences to Al and his family. He said he called Al the other day and talked to him about it. Howard said that Al's wife was a great person and they really liked her.

• More Farid Stories. 02/01/05. 9:45am
  After the break Howard had a guy, John Fuller, on the phone claiming to be the guy that had Farid threaten to ''Squash him like a bug'' if he didn't sell his station to Citadel. John told Howard about what went on between them and how he ended up talking to some people who had filed a complaint with the FCC about his station. The letters that were sent to the FCC are allegedly frauds and now this guy is asking the FCC to pull Citadel's licenses. The guy claims that he's stayed friends with one of the guys he spoke to at Citadel and they're allegedly asking him to sign more paperwork to make it seem like they weren't sending out allegedly fraudulent complaints. Howard said he hopes that Farid will get fired for all of this because he doesn't like what he did with his show recently up in Syracuse and a few other markets. Howard wished the guy luck with his case. John said that he'd keep Howard up to date on everything that's going on.

  During the news Howard mentioned that he spoke to one of the Olsen Twins recently but he wasn't sure which one it was. He said he was rapping to her for a few minutes and they seemed to get along pretty good... but he didn't even know which one it was, Mary Kate or Ashley. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that. Howard, Artie and Fred jammed together singing some Cream songs after Robin mentioned that they're reuniting for a concert in England. Howard played a bunch of quick clips of their songs and tried singing along to them. Artie got in on that as well and Howard jokingly asked him stop singing because he was ruining the songs... even though Howard's voice isn't exactly the best for singing. Zolar called in and told Howard that when he and Artie started to sing, his dog bolted out the door and committed suicide by getting hit by a car. He also joked that he saw blind people sticking pencils in their ears when they heard that. Howard wrapped up the show right after that. It was about 10:35am.

• Bouncin Babes Don't Do It For Howard. 02/02/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Crank Yankers Special Ed ''I Got Mail'' phony phone call, Fiona Apple performing ''Sleep to Dream'' live in the studio.

  Howard asked Artie how he was feeling this morning. He said he was feeling okay but he was still taking some Airborne to try and get over the illness he has. Howard talked about how he got over the symptoms of the cold he had coming on after taking that Airborne stuff the past few days. He said he loves that stuff and it really seems to work for him.

  Howard said they have Nicole Richie coming in today and he's thinking that she's looking even hotter than Paris Hilton these days. He was playing some porn clips saying that's what he'd like to do to her. Howard said they also have this woman Brandy Love coming in today. He was on her web site last night and checked her out. He was also checking out a porno where this guy has girls get naked and jump up and down on a trampoline. Howard said the video isn't that good because you can't see the chick's faces. They had good bodies but he wasn't sure if they had good faces. The guy also cut out the natural sounds and played music over the video. He said he'd like to hear the sounds of the girls jumping. He said the name of the video is ''Bouncin Babes Vol. 1.'' None of the other guys had seen the video so they couldn't comment on it. Howard said he couldn't get into it enough to pleasure himself to it.

• Howard's TV Reviews. 02/02/05. 6:10am
  Howard said he had a lot of crap going on yesterday that he didn't want to get into on the air. He went to his shrink and told him about all of this stuff. He felt better after that. He then went home and watched some tape of ''The Bachelorette'' even though he doesn't like the girl on the show, Jen. He said he hates her eyebrows. He said it looks like she shaved them into a shape that's permanent. He also said that she's really annoying and guys are fighting over her for no reason. He told Robin about what was going on during the show and how all of these guys were like vultures getting ready to pounce on her. The one guy that Howard liked was this French guy who decided not to participate in a race to the top of the Empire State Building with the other guys on the show. That guy just walked home instead.

  Howard watched ''American Idol'' last night so he went over some of the stuff that went on during that show. Howard said that Paula Abdul has a break down every week now. She threatens to quit on just about every show now. Howard said it would be great if the producers came out and told her to go right ahead and do that because they have someone else waiting in the wings to take over. Howard played an audio clip from the show where Paula threatens to walk off the show because Simon says that he doesn't like one of the singers.

• Double A Spanks It To Beth O. 02/02/05. 6:15am
  Howard took a phone call from a guy who said his woman wants to get her eyebrows shaved off and tattooed in. Howard told the guy to divorce her if she does that. Howard said that unless she's a burn victim, there's no reason to do that. Artie said that no one in their right mind tattoos their face. Double A called in and told Howard that Beth O looked good on her TV show ''Casino Cinema.'' He said he takes a piece of cardboard and covers up the other two guests on the show so he can look at Beth and pleasure himself to her. He did that twice last night. He was telling Howard about how he holds the cardboard with one hand and finishes himself off with the other hand. The delay button was hit a couple of times during that discussion. Howard said Beth thinks that her calendar is wholesome and guys don't do stuff to her but Double A is. He told Howard his favorite month is May in her calendar. Gary came in and told Howard that he likes her picture on the month of May as well. He also likes her July picture. Howard said he likes that calendar too but she's his girlfriend so he actually gets to sleep with her. Artie wondered when Howard is actually going to call the FBI about Double A's behavior toward her. Howard said it might be time.

• Herpes, Dickhead Caller And Howard's Love Life. 02/02/05. 6:25am
  Howard read a story in the paper about a few babies that have herpes. One of them has died from it already. He read that these three babies got the herpes from the guy who performed their circumcisions. The babies were all Jewish and got the herpes from the procedure. Howard talked about how barbaric the whole thing is when they perform circumcisions. Apparently this guy who did the circumcisions used his mouth to suck the blood from the babies when they do the procedure. Some guys uses a straw because they don't want to actually drink the blood. Howard asked Robin if she would ever let her baby near a guy who does something like that. Howard said that they're investigating this guy to find out if he has herpes and possibly spread it to these three babies. The whole practice seems kind of whacked out to him. Artie said the story sounds pretty horrifying to him.

  Howard plunked down the phone and heard a guy say ''Come here dickhead!'' so he wondered who he was talking to. The guy was actually talking to his dog. Howard thought that was kind of mean. He had the guy hold on while he finished up a story he was telling about how scientists are messing around with cloning and mixing up the DNA of humans with animals and reptiles. Howard likes that they're doing that but Robin said that you have to think about AIDS and how all of that got started before you start messing around with stuff like that. The phone caller asked Howard who he would call first if Beth broke up with him. Howard had to think about that for a few seconds. He said he'd probably just run over to Scores and pick one of those girls up. He changed his story and said that maybe he'd fly out to the Playboy mansion instead... or maybe he'd go nuts and go out with a Christine Todd Whitman.

  Howard told a story about how he was out in Vegas and met a chick who was really hot. She told him, after the interview, that she'd like to hang out with him out there. Howard said that she was really attractive and he would have gone with her if he wasn't with Beth. The woman's name was Carmela DeCesare. Howard said she gave Gary her phone number for him and he ended up staring at it for about 15 minutes. He knows that if he cheated on Beth, he'd be miserable. Gary said that it's almost like Howard is married already because of the situation he's in. Gary knows what Howard did after his divorce and that was a good 6 months. Once he met Beth, he stopped and stuck with her. Now he's been with her for almost 4 years. Howard talked about how he had a bunch of women during those six months and some other guys were benefiting from that and had other chicks over at his apartment. Howard said Ralph told him that he was going to kill himself with the number of women he was getting.

  The phone caller asked Howard what's wrong with Beth. He said there has to be something wrong with her, even if it's just one thing. Gary said that she might be too nice and doesn't know that she shouldn't do interviews with people like Chaunce Hayden. Howard had to let the caller go but he asked to hear the Baba Booey ''Mission Impossible'' theme song. Howard was going to do that but he said he got a lot of feedback about him and Artie singing the Cream songs yesterday at the end of the show. He said people thought it was pretty funny. He had to go to break right after that.

• Coming Soon To The Howard Stern Show... 02/02/05. 6:50am
  After the break Howard played a ''Red'' phony phone call and said that the guy sounds kind of like Artie when he calls in sick. He then played a remix of the Red phone call with Artie's voice mail message for Gary from Monday. Howard also had a gay porn clip remix with Artie's call mixed in. Artie really hates that one. He said it just goes too far. Robin warned him that it was going to be put into heavy rotation if he keeps complaining about it. Howard replayed the prank call they made using Artie's sick voice mail. They called a deli and used the clips of Artie calling in sick to call in sick to the deli that he doesn't actually work at.

  Howard mentioned a few things they have coming up on the show soon. They have The Stupid Bowl, Sylvester Stallone, Playboy's Debbie Gibson and 3 Doors Down. Howard was trying to remember the 3 Doors Down song that he liked but he ended up singing a Hoobastank song instead. Richard Christy came in and sang a little bit of 3 Doors Down ''Kryptonite'' song for Howard. He didn't know all of the lyrics so he kind of hummed them for Howard. Howard and Artie goofed on him a little bit about that. Howard got a hold of the song and played some of that to remind everyone who they are. Howard said the guys actually sent over their rider and asked for a dressing room and want it stocked with Grey Goose, Michelob Light, various sodas, fruits, vegetables and candies. Howard said he looked at it and thought about demanding that they bring the stuff in themselves for them.

  Howard said that they've been preparing for vacation lately and they have to get Best of Stern ready to go. As he was talking about that he could hear something playing under him. It was the 3 Doors Down CD playing at zero volume. It was still coming through his headphones. Howard said that just shouldn't happen and he's so ready to get out of that place. Howard said that they chopped up his show yesterday when they were playing some phony Michael Jackson clips. The Best of Stern stuff is getting chopped up like crazy and Gary wastes hours and hours going over that stuff with Tom Chiusano. Gary said they've been gone over by Tom Chiusano, Dead Air Dave and Luis the board op. They censor out a bunch of stuff and there is no negotiation about the stuff they chop out. Howard doesn't even know why they're playing Best Of if they're just going to destroy it like that. Howard said he just wants to get out of there already so he can go and do the show he wants to do. At this point Howard is just going to do what he's got to do and let them cut it up however they need to. He had to go to break right after that.

• Chaunce Hayden And Captain Janks Call In. 02/02/05. 7:20am
  Howard came back from commercial and mentioned tonight's E! show featuring Kenneth Keith Kallenbach. Chaunce Hayden called in a short time later. He told Howard he interviewed a makeup artist who said she gets a lot of gossip from celebrities and heard that Eric Maher is great in bed so she had to sleep with him herself to find out. Howard wondered what Maher could be doing that makes him so good. He thinks that a woman has to be really attracted to a guy like that and he finds it hard to believe that they are. Howard was about to let Chaunce go but Chaunce told him about a photo that he'd sent to Gary to give to him and Howard never got it for some reason. Howard wondered why Gary is Howarding all of that stuff. Fred played the ''Chaunce'' song parody after Howard hung up on him.

  Howard had Captain Janks on another line. Janks made a new prank call last night so he was going to play that for the guys. Janks called into a show and just said ''Imus Blows!'' after he saw him on a commercial. Artie said he likes when Janks does stuff like that. It's quick and simple stuff. Howard said they put too much production into their prank phone calls. Janks just does it quick and gets it done. Howard thanked Janks threw in a couple of plugs for some appearances he's making.

• Gary The Retard Opposite Game With Bong Hit Eric. 02/02/05. 7:25am
  Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who thought Howard was pretty brutal with Baby Spice on the E! show last night. Howard asked Eric if he lives in Manhattan. Eric doesn't live there at this time of year. He lives in Rockland County. Howard then told a story about these Asian chicks he's seen out in Manhattan lately. As he was talking about that Eric took a hit off his bong. Howard thinks that's pretty funny so he quiets down for a few seconds. Eric didn't know why it was so amusing but he took another hit for them. Howard got back to the Asians he was talking about and how they sit out there on the streets freezing. They're known as the Fu Lon Gong or something like that. Howard wanted to send Benjy out to interview them but Benjy doesn't want to do that because they're going through some kind of holocaust in China or something. Eric thought it would be funny if he made a phone call to Gary the Retard as ''Weed'' and they'd try to convince him that he was going to get him high. Howard said that was already done with their Flu call and he wouldn't want to do it again. Howard did have a Gary the Retard memory game to play so he let Eric play along.

  Sal the Stockbroker would tell Gary the Retard a quick story and then ask him if he remembered certain things. Here's an example:

  • Sally Loves to play ball with her dog spot. She feeds her dog 3 times a day. What is Sally's dog's name? - Spot.
  It sounded like he was going to get some correct answers in the game so Howard let Eric play along. Here are the rest of the stories and Gary the Retard's answers:
  • Fred Norris is From planet Mars, Howard Stern has been saying for years that he thinks he's a martian. What planet is Fred from? - A Planet!
  • Gary loves chocolate, he doesn't care that his ass gets fat. What does Gary love? - Chocolate
  • Robin Quivers loves her horse Blaze, she keeps him in a stable and feeds him every day. What is the name of Robin's horse? - Spot.
  • Richard pleasures himself every Friday. He only does it once a week because he feels it's a special ritual. What day of the week does he pleasure himself? - On Friday!
  • Howard loves his girlfriend Beth, He takes her to Nobu to feed her Sushi. What do they eat at Nobu? - Italian food?
  Bong Hit Eric ended up winning a trip to The Grammy Awards courtesy of Orbitz.com. Eric took a hit off his bong and Artie said he thinks he's going to miss his flight and won't make it to the Grammys. Eric said he's going to make sure he makes it out there though. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.

• Replay From Yesterday's Show. 02/02/05. 7:45am
  After the break Howard went right into a replay of a segment that aired at the end of the show yesterday. Howard and Artie were singing a bunch of Cream songs after Robin brought up a story about the band getting back together to do a reunion concert. After the replay Howard said that they really should go over to England to see Cream.

  Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the web site, SpringThomas.com, that he was checking out over the weekend after Kidd Chris suggested it to him. Howard said the whole site is about this white chick getting banged by black dudes. He spent a few minutes talking about what he saw on her site. Richard Christy checked it out after Howard talked about it and he wasn't offended by it at all. He said it didn't bother him that the black guys were banging a white chick.

• Brandi Love Wonders Why Playboy Rejects Her. 02/02/05. 8:05am
  This woman Brandi Love contacted the show and wants to know why Playboy has rejected her. She came in and Robin immediately asked her how old she is. She's 31 and has been trying to get in the magazine since she was 24. Howard asked her to strip down a bit so they could check out her body. He said that she's got a 10 body... but he had to be honest with her. He said that she's a little too muscular and she doesn't have the face for the magazine. He didn't call her a butterface but she doesn't quite have the right face for the magazine. He said it looked like she had some miles on her. Gary also said that she's got a ''long face'' that might be one of the problems. Howard also didn't like her hair color and style. He said that it was dark on the bottom and light on the top. Howard kept saying that she has a great body and he could have some fun over at Scores with her. Gary asked if she could do Penthouse. Howard said ''No.'' He said she could probably do Hustler or Oui. Fred said she's got a face for the Weather Channel. Artie said that she could do Hustler without question.

  Howard kept telling Brandi that there's no way she's going to be in Playboy at all. It doesn't matter what special editions they came out with, she doesn't belong in it. Howard said it's not even a put down because it takes a really special woman to be in that magazine. Brandi hasn't done any other magazines, she's only done stuff on her web site BrandiLove.com. Howard said she's into some pretty intense stuff on her web site. She has a daughter and a great body for a mother. Howard wondered what she's going to tell the kid when she's old enough to find out about this stuff. Brandi said she is a slut and she'd probably tell her kid that.

  Brandi said she really didn't become a slut until she was 30. She said she hit her stride at that age. She lost her virginity shortly before she turned 17. Howard told her that her ass is ''world class'' and found out she's been working out for about 15 years. Howard wondered if they asked her to have sex with them, would she do it. Brandi said that she'd have to get to know them a little more. She checked the guys out and said she'd do Gary, Howard and Artie but not Fred or Benjy. She asked to see Fred's abs but he wasn't going to show them to anyone. Benjy said that he doesn't have any abs so he wasn't taking his shirt off either.

  Brandi lives down in South Carolina so Robin told her that's probably the reason her hair is bad. They apparently don't know how to do hair down there. Brandi told Howard about how she's been married for about 10 years. She and her husband meet some people through the web and sometimes bring them back to their place to have some fun. Brandi was telling some stories and Robin thought she sounded kind of like Artie when he called in sick on Monday. Howard replayed Artie's call and it did sound kind of like Brandi's voice. Howard played a couple of the bits they created using Artie's call and then got back to Brandi. Brandi was telling a story about hooking up with a chick she met through the web. They ended up getting a hotel room with the other couple they were out with and had some fun. She said that she's not into women that much, guys are more her thing. Brandi let her husband do stuff to the other chick and she enjoys watching that. The other guy was doing Brandi at the same time and they don't really have any rules about what they can or can't do. She said they're very open with each other and they don't do anything without telling each other about it.

  Howard gave Brandi a plug for her web site BrandiLove.com. He checked it out last night but had some trouble getting some of the video to download. Brandi told the guys that she doesn't think that any of her husband's co-workers know about what they do. Howard took a call from Hook Nose Mike who wanted Howard to get this chick naked so they could see it on E!. Brandi went ahead and took her top off a few seconds later. Howard asked her to take her bottoms off but she said she didn't know them well enough to do that. She eventually pulled her pants down and let the guys spank her. Doug from E! was giving her a couple of whack so Gary got in there and did the same thing. Mike told Howard to get her into the RoboSpanker. She agreed to do it so Howard had her get in there so he could spank her. He gave her a couple of whacks and she seemed to like it. She took a bunch of spanks before it started to hurt. Howard told her that she had a smokin' body and wanted to put her pictures right up on his web site. They didn't have the ability to do that right away though.

  Jeff the Drunk called in and said Brandi sounds like a very loose whore. Brandi said she prefers the term ''slut'' over whore. Artie did his impression of Jeff for a few seconds. Howard asked Jeff when he had a woman last. It was when he was set up with a porno chick who ended up crying after having sex with him. Howard had to end the interview so he gave Brandi another plug and went to break.

• Bob Levy's Beetlejuice Problems And Eric The Midget Makes Demands. 02/02/05. 8:35am
  Howard came back from break and said that Bob Levy drove Beetlejuice home the other day from a comedy gig and Beet shit himself in the car. Howard played the message that Bob left for Sal the Stockbroker. Bob said that his car now smells like shit and he doesn't know what to do. Artie said that Bob called him after that happened and he was sticking his head out the window trying to get some fresh air.

  Eric the Midget called and left a message for them saying that he doesnt' want to call in to talk about working on ''American Dreams'' unless he could be guaranteed that Howard agreed not to ask him about pleasuring himself. Howard said that some guys are really unappreciative. Howard got him that job on ''American Dreams'' and now he's demanding all kinds of crap. Howard played the message and it sounds like Eric has gotten carried away with himself. Howard thinks that he needs to go home and sit in his wheelchair staring at himself for a few more weeks to come back down to earth. Eric demanded that they not do any toilet humor when he calls in. He doesn't care if he bores the audience. Robin wondered what he's thinking making all of those demands. Howard said he doesn't know... He had to move on to Nicole Richie.

• Nicole Richie Comes In. 02/02/05. 8:40am
  Howard had Nicole Richie come in after the Eric the Midget thing. She was looking really hot and has changed her look quite a bit since Howard last saw her. He said that she looks amazing and had to have lost a few pounds. Her hair was shorter and she straightened it. Howard thought she was cute when she was kind of chubby. He said that he sat next to Paris Hilton at a basketball game a couple of months ago and they didn't have anything to say to one another. Nicole said she saw pictures of that but didn't hear the story from Paris.

  Howard heard that Paris and Nicole weren't getting along lately but Nicole said she's still friends with Paris. She said that Paris is like her sister and she still likes her. Howard was telling Nicole how he likes her chest even though it's pretty small. Nicole likes it that way because she like that she doesn't have to wear a bra if she doesn't want to. Howard had her spin around for him so he could check out her body. He wanted to see her abs but she said they're kind of soft. She asked to see his abs and she thought he looked pretty hot when he showed her. There was actually a line there and she thinks he's got a pretty good body. Howard said that he hasn't eaten anything in about a week, that's why he looks good.

  Nicole is 23 years old so Howard told her that he does chicks that age. Nicole said that she'd do Howard if he was single. She wondered how long Howard lasts in bed normally. Howard said he's got a weird thing because sometimes he can last a long time but others he finishes quickly. He said that he'd make sure he took care of himself a couple of times before he did her. Nicole asked Howard if chicks hear that he's quick but then he lasts a long time with them, if they'd be offended. Nicole said she might be offended because she'd think that she wasn't that hot. Nicole said she wasn't kidding about doing Howard. He thought she was just saying that because she was on the show. Howard said that by the third time he does her, she'd be impressed with how long he'd last. He said they could then lay in bed together and make fun of Paris. Howard told Nicole that Paris is really good at oral in the home video of her that's out. Nicole said she thinks that she'd be pretty good as well.

  Howard told Nicole that she's got to move into the next phase of her career. She has to start doing stuff like Lindsay Lohan does. Nicole said that she doesn't have time to do stuff while she's shooting ''The Simple Life'' though. Nicole is working on some music stuff and she claims that she can sing pretty well. Howard wondered if she could sing some Cream songs. Nicole didn't join in though. She said that she can play piano, violin and cello. Howard thought that playing the cello shows that she's really smart. He quickly changed subjects and said that he'd love to tickle her. Nicole said that she hates being tickled because it's not a fun laughter.

  Howard said that Nicole's boyfriend, Adam Goldstein, was there so he spent a few minutes talking about him. The guy is a DJ who does private parties and stuff. Nicole said that she doesn't get to see him perform much but when she's seen him, it really turns her on. She thinks that he has a lot of talent to be able to do that stuff the way he does. Howard asked Nicole to go over and play some piano for them. They only had a keyboard in the studio and she didn't want to do it. Howard just wanted to see that she can actually play. Howard had Nicole go over to their scale and found out that she weighs 97 pounds. She had no idea that she was on a hidden scale. Artie said she was only the second person to be fooled by that. Anna Nicole was the other person. Nicole said that she weighed a lot when she started the first ''Simple Life'' because she'd just gotten out of rehab. She gained quite a bit when she was in there. Now she's drug free and has lost that weight.

  Nicole sat down at the keyboard and played some classical stuff that didn't sound so good because it wasn't on a real piano. She played some more contemporary stuff and she was able to play. She had a few ''Oops'' moments but she was pretty good. Howard had the guys bring in her boyfriend after that. Nicole didn't want him to come in though. Artie said he heard this guy one time in Vegas and he was actually very good. Gary came in and said that the guy didn't want to come in unless it was okay with Nicole. Nicole really didn't want him to come in because they don't like to talk about each other on the air. Howard figured she just wanted the spotlight and that's why she didn't want him to come in. Gary said that's kind of the way it came across when he asked Adam to come in.

  Howard gave Nicole a plug for her show ''The Simple Life: Interns'' and took some phone calls after that. A caller asked Nicole what she thinks is a good size for a guy. Nicole said that length doesn't matter as long as it's not ''thin.'' The guy also wondered about the length of time he lasts. She said it should be more than 5 minutes. Howard asked her if she likes a guy to wear a condom. She said that's really important. The delay was hit a couple of times during that discussion. Another caller asked her if she likes sex in the dirty place. All we heard were more delay button hits. She said she doesn't like it at one point. Howard took a few more phone calls and some guys were telling her that she's hotter than Paris. Nicole thanked them and said that she and Paris look so different that she doesn't mind if people tell her how good she looks. Howard said he'd rather bang Nicole himself because he doesn't think that Paris would have anything to say. One phone caller said that maybe Nicole would play keyboards better if she was topless. That wasn't happening though. One phone caller asked Howard if he could kiss Nicole's ass any more. He had nothing bad to say about her at all. Howard said she was a good interview and she was answering all of his questions.

  Howard asked Nicole if she would sing some Karaoke for them. Howard asked her what her favorite song is. She said that she likes Cream's ''White Room'' and that's just what they wanted to hear. Nicole said that she loves doing Howard's show and she came back to New York to do his show and The View. Nicole said that Star is a friend of her family. Howard played their audio clip of Star walking down the aisle at her wedding. It was just ''Here comes the Bride'' and a huge, stomping Godzilla-sounding monster walking down the aisle. Howard went on to ask Nicole about who else she's friends with. She said that she knows people like Lindsay Lohan and Lenny Kravitz. She said that Lenny kind of scares her because he hangs out with her father and she doesn't want her father dating women her age. Howard took a couple more calls including a guy who played clips of Artie and created a conversation with Howard and the real Artie. That guy eventually got on the line and asked Howard if he'd gotten the Treo 650 yet. Howard said he's working on it but he hasn't gotten it yet. Nicole has one and said that it's pretty cool. Howard said he's going crazy not having it. The caller complained about the Blue Tooth feature because other people can see your phone when that's on. Nicole also complained about the keyboard not having a cover and how you can call people accidentally because of that.

  Howard was checking out Nicole's chest and said he likes that she's flat chested. He said he really wants to see her naked and said that they should hook up. Howard asked Nicole if she gets free stuff now that she's a star. She said she does get some cool stuff but hasn't gotten anything all that great lately. She talked about some gift baskets that she gets when she goes to some events. She doesn't always get everything that's in the basket though because you have to mail in forms. Howard said he's had the same problem. He's not going to mail in any forms to get gifts or anything like that. Nicole said she made a great deal for her third season of ''The Simple Life.'' She's not sure what Paris makes but she has a feeling that they make the same amount. Nicole wouldn't say how much she makes per episode but Howard tried to figure it out anyway. He wrapped up the interview a short time later.

• Could 40 Year Old Nancy Be Hot? Artie Says No. 02/02/05. 9:35am
  After the commercials Howard replayed Eric the Midget's voice mail where he made his demands about not wanting any ''toilet humor'' during his upcoming interview. He demands that Howard not ask him if he went home and pleasured himself. Howard said that the first question he's going to ask him is ''Did you go home and pleasure yourself?'' Eric wants him to keep it clean and serious. The guy obviously doesn't know Howard's show very well. The guys played a porn clip where they took clips of Eric and mixed them with a gay guy making demands of his own. Howard said that he will respect Eric's wishes but Robin seemed to think he was full of it when he said that.

  Howard talked about David Letterman's tribute to Johnny Carson from Monday night. He and Gary watched the show and Howard does feel that Letterman is a bit more sincere about the whole thing than Leno is.

  Howard picked up a phone call from Nancy, a woman who threw her card on his table at the Ventos restaurant he was at the other night for Ross Zapin's birthday. Nancy said that she's 40 years old so Artie told him to hang up the phone on her. He had no desire to see a 40 year old woman get topless. No one at the table even saw the woman put the card down on the table. Nancy said she actually took her bra off at the restaurant and tried to get some attention that way. Howard said that his girlfriend actually got upset when she saw the card and actually ripped it up. Ralph grabbed the ripped up card and taped it back together so they could contact her. Howard said everyone else in the restaurant probably noticed the woman taking her bra off but no one at his table did. Nancy said she and her friend were making out as well and no one saw that either. Howard asked her who she looks like. She tried to come up with the name. She eventually came up with Pia Zadora. Howard hoped it was the Pia of 20 years ago. Artie was still telling her that her age might be a problem. She says she looks good and would come down there if Howard sent a limo to pick her up. Howard said they're not going to do that. Gary said that they have some money that they could give her if she shows up and actually turns out to be an 8 out of 10 or something like that. Ralph called in and said that he thought that Ross said that he saw her and she didn't look all that hot. Gary said he talked to Ross and he said he didn't see her. Nancy told them to get their story straight. She also said she didn't think she'd be able to make it to the show this week so she'd kind of blow them off since they were blowing her off. Howard asked her how much she weighs. She said she was 128 pounds and 5'3'' tall. Artie said that means she's probably 5'2'' and 140 pounds. Howard wants to see some recent pictures of Nancy before he agrees to let her come in.

  Howard talked to Ralph about his night out and if he was able to pick up chicks. Ralph said he messed around with a couple of chicks but didn't bang any of them. Ralph signed off by saying ''Douche bag OUT!'' in the same way Ryan Seacrest does his ''Seacrest OUT!'' Howard said that Ryan Seacrest can't do a show without doing that these days. He had Robin start her news a short time after that.

  Ross Zapin called in during the news and said that the girl was a pig. Gary got Nancy back on the phone so she could hear all of that. Ross said that he wouldn't do her, not even in the old days. Ross said that he saw her come right over and slipped the card down before anyone saw her. Ross said he saw her walking out of the restaurant and she just wasn't hot. Howard said he loved how Beth got jealous and ripped the card up though. Beth didn't see Nancy so she didn't know how she looked. Ross told Howard that Nancy had a big, fat ass but Howard wanted to see some pictures of her anyway. Ross told Howard he had to get back to work. He's working over at Sirius now. He's the VP of Programming Promotion for them. Howard asked him what he'll be doing today. Ross said that he's got a meeting and he may be handing out some t-shirt out in Times Square. Howard said it sounded like he'd be having a 4 hour lunch. He let him go a short time later.

• And Finally... 02/02/05. 10:05am
  A phone caller from Fresno called in with an audio clip from the station that just switched formats to Spanish. The guy played the clip where Fred was giving the plugs and then the station goes into their Spanish stuff. Howard had the guy replay it a couple of times because it was kind of funny. They go right from Fred's plug read into the Spanish station ID. The caller thinks that it's pretty funny but he's afraid that they're going to lose Howard's show eventually.

  Another phone caller told Howard that there are web sites out there where waiters write stories about bad tippers. Howard's name is mentioned in one out there but Howard says the story is not true. He said you can ask anyone who has served him and they'll tell you that he always tips too much. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that. They ended the show around 10:30am

• Goofing On J-Lo. 02/03/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: Sexy Noises tape with J.D., Jack Bruce's ''Theme for an Imaginary Western'' performed live in the studio.

  Howard started off the show talking about J-Lo being on ''Inside the Actors Studio'' and how funny it is when the interview someone who hasn't been in any movies that are any good. Howard played a clip from the show where James Lipton was talking to J-Lo about the jobs she had before she got into the entertainment business. Howard and Artie were goofing on J-Lo a little bit about the bad movies J-Lo was talking about. James Lipton asked her about the movie U-Turn and she actually got applause for that. J-Lo's grammer wasn't all that great either so Howard pointed that out too. James Lipton asked J-Lo all of the lame questions they ask every actor on that show. What's your favorite word? What's your least favorite word? What turns you on? What turns you off? and a bunch of crap like that. The guys were relentless in their goofing on Jennifer. Howard took his first break after goofing on her for about 15 minutes.

• Gary And Wendy The Retards Talk To Daniel Carver. 02/03/05. 6:30am
  After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up the Michael Jackson case and how the parents of the kids are making him sick. He seems to think that the parents are prostituting their kids and blaming someone else for their stupidity. Howard said that the parents really are to blame in a case like that and no parent should let their kid sleep over at the house of an adult like that. Howard had audio of Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard talking to Daniel Carver about Michael Jackson so he played that. In the call Wendy and Gary use the N-word quite a bit. Howard said he might have to do an intervention with Wendy later on because hanging around with Daniel and Gary is starting to get to her. All three of them were talking about the Jackson case and what they think of alleged child molesters. Artie thought that it sounded something like a Klan meeting would sound if they could listen in. He thought that Wendy had that stuff in her all along but it's all coming out now that she's talking to Daniel Carver on the phone. Howard said that when he goes over to ''Eee, eee, eee'' (code for Sirius) he's going to give them all a show so they can talk about that stuff on the air. He said he might just do one show a week for a half hour or so.

• American Idol Discussion. 02/03/05. 6:40am
  Howard missed the President's State of the Union address last night because he was watching Smallville and American Idol on his TiVo. That led to Howard playing a couple of clips from American Idol. He had some stuff from last night's show including the most effeminate sounding man he's ever heard. The guy was a big, fat white dude by the name of Matthew. When Artie heard the guy's voice, he couldn't believe it was a dude. Howard said he looks kind of like a Scott the Engineer or Hank Hill from the cartoon ''King of the Hill.'' The guy sang like a chick and seemed to blow away Paula Abdul even though the singing was awful. Howard said the guy is going to be tortured for the rest of his life because of the way he looks and sounds. Simon Cowell and the rest of the guys took it easy on the guy, probably because they knew that life was probably pretty tough for the guy. Howard said the guy looks very masculine until he opens his mouth. Howard said that it's possible the guy is into chicks but it must be tough with a voice like that.

• Sirius Discussions. 02/03/05. 6:45am
  Howard said that Vinnie Favale told them that Artie's call from Monday when he called in sick sounded kind of like a Bruce Springsteen talk up at a concert. Artie told Howard that he said the same thing the other day. Howard played an example of one of Bruce's intros and then played a remix of that using Artie's voice mail message.

  Howard took some phone calls after that. One guy told Howard that Clear Channel is trying to steal Howard's audience out in Harrisburg by saying that their morning show, Bob and Tom, are free. Howard said that his anti-commercial is saying that he won't be held back by the FCC. He went on to talk about how some of these morning guys laugh at their own stuff so hard that they must have headaches at the end of the day. He's been listening to some of these guys because he may be bringing some of them along to Sirius. Howard said that some people are goofing on him saying that he's leaving terrestrial radio for the money. He said that's part of it but it's also the fact that he's tired of the industry and how bad things have gotten. There's no winning against the FCC and his show has been completely eroded over the past 10 years. They chop up the show, they chop up The Best of Stern and everything is inconsistent when it comes to what they can and can't play on the air. Howard said that you can't beat the government, they just do what they want. He doesn't think that he's done anything wrong and he's just trying to make people laugh every morning. He knows that kids aren't listening to his show in the morning, but they are listening to a show like Love Lines at night when they're home from school. The government doesn't see it that way though and they say that they're trying to save the kids when they go after his show.

  Howard knows that some of his audience will follow him over to satellite and some won't. Some of his fans will probably switch over to a Bob and Tom show when he moves. Howard said he's already had a meeting with one guy he liked and he may bring him along when he makes his move to satellite. Howard joked around and said that he had tape of the guy and played a clip of his father doing his ''Testing, testing... ONE TWO'' thing.

  Howard brought up President Bush's speech from last night and talked about how the rebuttal is often ignored and no one really cares about it. He said that there was an article written about the rebuttal where the writer said that they should just pick one thing to talk about instead of trying to rebut everything like they do.

  Howard took a call from a guy who wasn't getting to his point fast enough. Howard was about to hang up on the guy but he finally told Howard that he will be following him over to Sirius. Howard couldn't take the caller anymore so he hung up on him and went to break.

• Michael Buffer Reviews ''Million Dollar Baby.'' 02/03/05. 7:10am
  After the break Howard plugged tonight's E! show which features the Scores chicks in the ViboPad. He took a phone call after that. The caller said that he had to watch the E! show twice last night. He thought that the chicks on the show were hot even though Kenneth Keith wasn't all that funny. Artie told Howard that Victoria Zdrok was one of the hot chicks on the show last night.

  Howard had ring announcer Michael Buffer on the phone. Michael has built up quite a career announcing fights. Howard said that he is making the most out of a career where he does the least amount of work. He said that he's his hero and asked Michael how often he actually works. Michael said that he's been on the road quite a bit and he'll be working every weekend pretty soon. Robin asked him what his day consists of. Michael thought that she was preparing for her new TV show by asking questions. Howard was trying to find out what kind of life the guy has but he wasn't giving a straight answer. He eventually told Howard about a recent gig he had with Intel where he did some announcing. He's also got fights to announce on the weekends.

  Howard pointed out that Buffer has copyrighted and trade marked the ''Let's Get Ready'' stuff so he can sue people if they use it without his permission. Buffer is apparently upset at the movie ''Million Dollar Baby.'' He said that the movie is basically an insult to the boxing world. He talked about Hillary Swank going around talking about how much she trained for the part and she's coming across as being a real fighter even though she isn't. Buffer said that you can tell that it's a pretty low budget movie and that's the way Clint Eastwood had to do it because he couldn't get anyone to back him. Howard thought that it sounded like Michael was upset that they didn't hire him to help out with the movie. Buffer went on and on about how he wasn't a fan of the movie and can't believe that Hillary Swank was nominated for an Academy Award for this role. He said that she didn't have more than 3 lines in a scene and she really doesn't deserve that nomination in his opinion. Buffer said that a guy like Paul Giamatti should have gotten a nomination for his work in ''Sideways.''

  Howard recapped what Buffer said about that movie. Artie said that it was the most detailed movie review he's ever heard. Howard said he likes that Michael is so upset about this movie. He said that it's kind of like Cousin Brucie getting upset about the movie ''Good Morning Vietnam'' because Robin Williams didn't put on headphones as he was doing his broadcast. It's just a movie though. Gary came in and told Howard that they found a story on the web about how Michael Buffer's brother worked on the movie doing voice over work. Michael said that he didn't know that his brother was in the movie until after he'd seen it. Michael said that he may have liked the movie better if he'd been the ring announcer in the movie.

  Howard said that Michael is no longer married to the lovely woman he was married to. Michael said that he put in a good 4 years in that marriage but things just didn't work out. Michael said they do share custody of their Yorkie. He had the dog there with him this morning. Howard read that he's been seen hanging out at the Playboy club. Michael said he's had a girlfriend for a while now.

  Howard took some phone calls for Michael and a few people went off on him about his complaining. One guy pointed out that movies like Rocky weren't all that real either. Michael said that the guys looked like boxers in those movies even if the movies weren't all that great. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked Michael to say ''Let's get ready to do a big fat beefy bong hit.'' Michael asked him if he had his check book ready and wasn't going to do it. Howard asked Michael to do it for him but he told Howard to just pull an old clip to play or something. Howard figured that he might think that it's bad for his image or something. He just wouldn't do it. Bong Hit Eric asked Michael to do an F***, Marry, Kill instead. His choices were:

  • Imus' wife Deirdra
  • Barbara Walters
  • Barbara Bush - Kill
  Buffer was having a tough time making his choices and ended up talking about the Bush daughters and how tough they are to look at. Buffer also said that he's not impressed with Howard's choice of the Olsen Twins because they look like a couple of ''wet space monkeys'' or something like that. Howard said that's because Michael is spending a lot of time with Playboy models and he's used to the hot chicks. Buffer told Howard how hot Beth is and how nice she was to hang out with the day they shot a TV commercial together. Artie said he thinks that the Olsen Twins are pretty hot too. Buffer was asked who his top three chicks would be. He said they would be Krista Allen, Kate Bosworth and ... Bong Hit Eric was doing a bunch of bong hits so the list was interrupted. He told Howard and the guys that he's going to a Queensryche concert tonight so he's starting to get wasted now. Brian Phelan from E! said that he'll be at the concert as well. Richard Christy is going with him too. Richard came in and said it should be pretty fun because Brian is a metal head along with him.

  Michael offered to do his list of skanks who people think are hot. He was still refusing to do the announcement that Bong Hit Eric wanted. Buffer said that the following women are skanks that aren't really hot.

  • The Olsen Twins
  • Christina Aguilera
  • Paris Hilton
  • Ashlee Simpson
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Debra Messing
  The list was interrupted once again when Howard questioned Michael about the woman he's dating now. Howard had to take a break so Bong Hit Eric begged him to do the ''Let's get ready...'' thing but he was still refusing. He said he was on the phone and he wasn't getting a paycheck. Howard changed the wording and asked him to say ''Lets get ready to light up!'' Bufffer agreed to do that one and did it a few seconds later. Bong Hit Eric took a big hit off his bong after that. Howard let Michael get in a plug for his web site LetsRumble.com and wrapped up the interview a short time later.

• Howard's Cartoon Update. 02/03/05. 8:00am
  After the break Howard was talking about his upcoming cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' after Fred played a clip of a news report about the upcoming show. Howard has been working on the show for years now and they're still not ready to go to air with them yet. Howard said that they don't have all the scripts written yet and he's just not ready to go with it yet. They are doing some test animation because they've gotten some people to do voices. The same guy that played his father in ''Private Parts'' will be voicing his father in the cartoon. That got the guys talking about Howard's father and how he used to yell at him in the car all the time when he was a little kid. Howard told some stories about his father yelling at him in the car and how he'd get yelled at just for reading the newspaper the ''wrong way.'' His father would fold the paper in a certain way so it would be a perfect square. Howard said his father wouldn't teach him how to fold that paper, he just expected him to know how to fold it. Every trip he took with his father was a new experience for him.

  Howard had some audio of Terrell Owens talking about how his doctors warned him not to play in the Super Bowl. He said that God already made his decision and he'll be playing even though he respects his doctors opinion.

• Jamie Gets Evaluated. 02/03/05. 8:10am
  Howard said they had this woman Jamie call them who said that she's an 8 on a scale of 10. She's a school teacher and she can't meet any guys for some reason. She came in today to have the guys evaluate her. Howard said the guys were already saying that she was annoying and that's why she can't get any guys. When she came in Howard told her that her hair was kind of bad and she might need to fix that, but it wouldn't stop a dude from dating her. Jamie said that she's 32 years old and she really can't meet a guy. Gary came in and said that she is a little bit talkative and that's kind of annoying. Jamie said that she's kind of nervous and wanted to be evaluated by them. She started to ramble a little bit after that. Howard said that she comes off a little ''Jewy'' when she talks. He also told her that she may be setting her sights a little high and might think that she deserves better than she's getting. She says that she's really not thinking that way and she just wants someone who cares about her and can get over her faults. Howard told her that her voice was kind of annoying and her laugh was bad.

  Jamie is only about 5 feet tall. Howard had her spin around so he could check her out. He asked if she looks bad in a bathing suit. She said that she doesn't like the way she looks in a bathing suit, she has a little bit of jello on her ass. Howard said that might be one problem and she might want to stick to a one piece bathing suit. Gary asked her if she only dates Jewish guys. Jamie said that she'll date anyone and just got out of a relationship with a Korean-American.

  Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he was going to turn the radio off because she was so annoying. Jamie defended herself and tried to explain why she was the way she was. Howard told her that might be one of her problems. He advised her to just listen to what the guy was saying because he was trying to help. Gary told her that if she's in a bar and a guy sees her talking that much, that might scare them off. A phone caller told Howard to put Jamie in the RoboSpanker but that's not what she was there for.

  Artie asked Jamie if she would date someone like him or Benjy. Gary said that Jamie put her info on JDate which is a Jewish dating service. Benjy is also on there so that's the kind of guys she can find there. Sal the Stockbroker came in and told Howard about the freckles Jamie had on her chest but the delay was hit for some reason when he mentioned that. Howard said the freckles aren't that bad and he kind of likes them. Gary said that she thinks she gives off some kind of vibe that just scares guys off. Hook Nose Mike called in and said that her monotone voice was getting to him and he really didn't like that.

  Jamie told Howard about how she hooked up with a woman last week and she's done that in the past. She said the other woman was pretty hot and she had some fun with her. Howard told her that she might want to just stick with girls if that's the case. Jamie said that she and the other chick did each other in her car. She gave Howard some details about that date and how they ended up in the car. They went to a private place to park and spent about an hour and a half doing stuff to each other. Jamie said that she undressed the other woman first and she's really into a woman's breasts. The story was chopped up a bit by the delay button for some reason. Jamie said that she doesn't think she's a lesbian but she was curious about them. Howard said he was kind of surprised that she was into that stuff and guys still don't come on to her.

  A woman called in and told Howard that Jamie is even annoying to other women and she wanted her to get off the show. High Pitch Erik called in and tried to be funny by saying he had a high pitched voice just like her. Howard had Jamie show him her belly to see if she had any fat on there. He said it wasn't bad and she had some curves on her. Howard said that it must just be that she comes across as being annoying or something that chases guys away. Howard said she might just be in guy's faces all the time or something. Jamie said she doesn't think that someone who is verbal is ''annoying.'' Artie told her that guys don't want to hear women's opinions. She just needs to keep quiet. Howard said she gets very defensive when someone brings something up with her, like the freckles on her chest.

  Howard offered Jamie $500 to lay down on the floor and get farted on by Will the Farter. Jamie said that she wouldn't do it for $500. Will came in a short time later to demonstrate what he'd be doing. Howard had him fart a little bit to show Jamie what he'd be doing. Jamie didn't think he was really doing it but he was. Howard offered Jamie $1,000 to get farted on. She wanted to limit the number of farts to 50. Howard wanted her to sit there and take 500 farts which might take about 10 minutes. Jamie seriously thought about taking the money. She said she doesn't ''let'' her boyfriends fart in front of her. She finally agreed to do it though. She laid down on the studio floor so Will the Farter could blast away on her. They set the counter to zero and had Will start his farting. Artie said he hopes that Will doesn't have an accident. The farting started a short time later. Will went slow and blasted away. Artie laughed his ass off the whole time Will was farting. Jamie was holding up just fine and lasted through the whole thing. Howard was impressed with her after that. Howard took a break right after that.

• Anson Williams Calls In. 02/03/05. 8:55am
  After the break Howard had Anson Williams from ''Happy Days'' on the phone. Anson is part of the Happy Days reunion show that's airing tonight. Howard asked Anson who will be on the show tonight and who has aged well. Anson told Howard that everyone will be there except for one of the Al's. Al Molinaro didn't show up but he's still alive. Anson wasn't sure why he didn't show up. Ron Howard showed up as did Henry Winkler. Howard and Anson talked about some of the history of the show. They talked about how Henry Winkler came off so cool as Fonzie but in real life, he's so soft and almost comes off as being gay. Anson said that he's really not fruity and he's not gay. The guys also talked about Scott Baio and how many hot chicks he need up being with after getting so famous after ''Happy Days.'' Erin Moran's name came up during that discussion and the guys had to remind Howard that Scott Baio dated her. Anson told Howard that Scott is still his hero because the guy is still getting the hot chicks and still looks good. Howard wondered if he wold bring his hot chick girlfriends to the set when they were filming. Anson said Scott did bring Heather Locklear with him to the set.

  Anson talked about how their fame came to them just about over night. He said they were fighting to get dates before the show but then the show went on the air and they had no problem getting chicks. Anson said he got all kinds of chicks after that and he did whatever he could to get them. Howard asked Anson about Erin Moran and how she's doing after going crazy a few years ago. Anson seems to think she's doing just fine. The guys spent a little more time talking about some of the other chicks that were on the show. The woman who played Pinkie Tuscadero was mentioned by Howard. Anson said that she was only on a couple of episodes but she was great. He said that she really was hot. Gary told Howard that she went nuts as well and was on her way to prison a couple of years ago. Howard said the most successful person seems to be Scott Baio because he gets so many chicks. The least successful was Pinkie Tuscadero.

  Howard took some phone calls for Anson before he let him go. One guy asked Anson when he thinks the show actually jumped the shark. The delay ended up getting hit for some reason during that call so we never really heard Anson's answer. Another caller said that Anson has an attitude and he's a real douche bag. One caller said that he still watches old episodes of ''Happy Days'' every morning before he goes to work. Another guy asked Anson what happened to the character ''Chuck'' on the show. Anson said that both of the guys who played the part are back for the special.

  Howard heard that Marion Ross was pretty cool and had some fun with the guys on the show. He thought that she had an affair with Henry Winkler but Anson said that's not true. He said she's really cool though and Howard should interview her. Howard also talked about how miserable Penny Marshall seems to be these days. Anson said that she's a great director though. Howard went on to ask Anson about the best night he ever had as far as chicks. Anson thought about it for a short time and told Howard that he dated the daughter of President Ford. He said it was kind of surreal to date her because he grew up a lower middle class kid. Then all of a sudden he's dating the President's daughter. He got to go to the White House and they had the Secret Service following them around when he went out with her. He only dated her for about 3 weeks.

  Anson said that he went on to direct a lot of shows and then created a bunch of beauty products that a lot of stars use. The company is now a multi-million dollar company. The whole cast did pretty well while other show casts didn't have that much luck. Garry Marshall may have had the magic touch back then and he helped guide the cast and kept them straight while they were working on the show. A phone caller told Anson that he used to rub one out to Potsie and Ralph Malph when he watched the show. He said he's not gay and has a wife and a kid. Howard seemed to think that was pretty weird.

  Howard gave Anson a plug for the special that's on tonight on ABC and let him off the phone. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about ''Happy Days'' and how it was on the air for like 8 years. Artie remembered watching it when he was a little kid. Gary said that there really weren't that many channels on the air back then and they had a lot of the country watching the same show, that's why it did so well back then. A phone caller told Howard that Tom was hitting the button during the Anson Williams interview. That led to Howard talking about how Tom has decided that farting too much on the air is no good and they don't want that anymore. Howard said that it's really time for him to get out of there because he can't even have people farting on the air. There has been no FCC ruling on the length of farts on the air so Tom is getting a little crazy with that stuff. He said that the company really should just release him from his contract so he move on and start to create something big somewhere else (Sirius). Gary said he gets notes about the stuff they censor out of the show and they'll describe why they did it and it'll say something like ''8:32 Fart, long and wet.'' They're also cutting out stuff from the show that has been approved by Tom. They changed their minds on some Michael Jackson stuff that they were playing on the air. Howard claims that Tom told him that things would change but they're obviously not going to. All of the companies are caving in to the FCC and they're not going to change.

  Howard said he got a letter from a fan who won't be following him over to Sirius. The guy says that he likes the way they have to find creative ways to say certain things on the air. Howard said he believes in what he's doing with his show and this move will be good for the show. He knows that regular radio is going to attack him but he'll just have to take it as it comes. He's not going away. Howard spent a few more minutes talking about that stuff with the guys before he took a commercial break.

• Howard's Intervention With Wendy The Retard. 02/03/05. 9:40am
  After the break Howard brought up the fact that Tom Chiusano has asked Gary to get rid of a bunch of shows that people have written letters to the FCC about. He said that Tom wants them to just get rid of the segments that people complained about so they can't get complaints in the future. Howard read a list of some of the stuff that Tom asked them to get rid of and said that he wants to recreate some of those when he moves to satellite. They weren't even segments where people cursed or anything, they just talked about stuff that people talk about every day. Howard ended up replaying the Gary and Wendy the Retards phone call with Daniel Carver that they played earlier in the show. The three of them talked about Michael Jackson and they all end up using the N-word as they're talking about him. Robin pointed out how Gary the Retard always has some place to be or something to do. Howard and Artie said that he's one busy retard.

  Howard had Wendy the Retard on the phone to talk to her about how worried he is about her use of the N-word and how she seems pretty racist. Wendy apologized but also said yes when Howard asked her if she was joining the KKK. Wendy talked about how she enjoys the music of some black performers but she has been listening to Daniel Carver's nonsense and he's getting through to the retards. Howard said that it would seem that Michael Jackson has already been found guilty by Wendy and Gary so maybe he will be convicted. Wendy told Howard that she'll try to limit her use of the N-word. Robin pointed out that she's using the word more than Daniel Carver is even using it. Howard said he doesn't think Wendy actually hates black people, she's just using it to fit in while talking to Daniel Carver.

  Howard had a Michael Jackson impersonator on the phone. He asked Wendy why she was calling him the N-word. Wendy mumbled something to him. Zolar called in and said something that ended up getting the delay hit. Howard had to hang up on him because of that. Howard did his own impression of Michael Jackson and used a megaphone to make it sound like he was on the phone. Wendy was apologizing to Michael for what she was saying about him earlier. ''Michael'' asked Wendy a few questions and had some phone sex with her. Wendy didn't seem to know what was going on. Michael had her rubbing the phone on her ass and made sounds as if he were spanking it to her. Howard was going to let Wendy go after having some fun with that for a minute. Artie tried to fool Wendy into thinking he was Daniel Carver. She wouldn't use the N-word for him though. Captain Janks called in and offered her a few bucks to say the N-word but she refused to say it for him for any amount of money. Howard had to cut Wendy off and go to break as she was asking for a new computer. He had Robin start her news after that. Howard ended the show around 11:00am this morning.

• Thanks Grandpa... 02/03/05.
  I had to attend my Grandfather's funeral out on Long Island today so today's update wasn't completed until about 8:00pm. Thanks to everyone who sent their condollences. That meant a lot to me. I'll miss my Grandfather.
  

• Artie Not In Today And Various Other Discussions. 02/04/05. 6:00am
  Show opening bits and songs included: ''1-900-DENNIS MILLER'' commercial parody, Nicole Bass singing ''Taboo'' during New Year's Rotten Eve event, Goo Goo Dolls performing ''Iris'' live in Howard's studio.

  Howard started off the show talked about how there will be absolutely nothing educational about his show, he'll be sure about that. He had an audio clip that Scott the Engineer gave him where George W. Bush was talking about an upcoming indecency bill that's going to raise the amount people can be fined for indecency. Bush talked about how there have to be limits about what language people can use on the airwaves. Bush said that the first line of defense is the parents who should know what their kids are listening to. Bush basically said that we have to be free... but also have limits on that freedom. Howard pointed out that parents can get TVs with these V-chips that can block certain programming from their kids. They can also stop letting cable TV come into their homes and not get the channels they're complaining about. Howard played a second clip where Bush talked about replacing FCC Chairman Michael Powell. The interviewer asked Bush how they can figure out where the line is drawn on indecent speech. Bush says that Powell did a good job of letting people know where that line is and enforcing it. Howard doesn't think that anyone has given them a line and that's why he's got to get out of there. He said that people will know where to find him next year and he'll be sure to get the word out about that.

  A listener called in and asked Howard if he caught Mary McCormack on Celebrity Poker last night. Howard said he hasn't spoken to her in a long time and didn't see her. The caller said she didn't know how to play so she actually had a handbook with her to help her out. The caller also told Howard how good she looked on the show and how great her breasts looked. Howard said she just had a baby not too long ago so her breasts probably got even bigger. The caller asked Howard for a prize or something but Howard didn't have anything to give him. He's also going to Vegas to see Artie and Rev. Bob Levy tomorrow. Artie wasn't in today because he's out in Los Angeles shooting a scene for the 10th anniversary of ''MAD TV.'' Tomorrow Artie is doing the comedy show. Howard figures that Artie will be betting and losing a lot of money while he's out there in Vegas. Howard talked about the Super Bowl a little bit with Robin. They don't bet on the bowl like they used to. Howard said that he really doesn't care about the game that much. He was also talking about how he's not into playing casino games as much as he used to be. He said he must be changing. Robin didn't understand how Howard could ever be into gambling because it's just a good way to throw away a lot of money. Howard said he still likes Texas Holdem because there are people playing and you can win just by having some skills.

  Howard isn't sure if they're going to Las Vegas this year. He said that he had a meeting with Joel Hollander from Viacom and it seems that they're just not talking to Howard's agent at this point. Joel was supposed to call him back about some stuff on a Tuesday after their meeting but that still hasn't happened and about 3 Tuesdays have passed. He said that Joel was upset about the whole satellite deal and the fact that Howard didn't tell them about it. Howard said they couldn't legally tell them about it. Howard also says that he told Joel about 50 times that he wasn't going to renew his contract with them. He wanted to get out of there no matter what so that's what he did. Howard was also saying that he had to beg to get put on a few more Infinity stations after Clear Channel dropped him. He and Robin both knew that there was no way they were going to grow the show across the country so it was just time for Howard to go. Howard talked about all of the FCC fines that have come down recently and out of the 11 pages they had, about 3 of them were all about Howard. He's going to go back to doing the stuff that he was doing when he used to get fined once he makes his move to satellite. Howard said they actually hit the delay on some of the farts yesterday just because they were too long.

  A phone caller told Howard that this guy Booker is ripping on Howard during his show by using a lot of references from the show. Howard said that he's friends with Booker but he doesn't listen to the guy's show. Howard wanted to hear some tape from Booker's show to see if he'd get upset about that stuff. He wasn't mad after taking that phone call. Another phone caller said that he was listening to ''Eh, eh, eh'' (Sirius) last night and they were playing a Captain Janks prank call on the comedy channel. There was also a Touch Tone Terrorists phone call where they mentioned Howard's name on that channel. The caller also asked Howard about the Beetlejuice head that he has behind him in the studio. Howard told the guy that you can get it from Beetlejuice's web site, JollyDwarf.com, if you want one of your own. Howard had to go to break shortly after that but he mentioned their ''Stupid Bowl'' that they had coming up later in the morning.

• Upcoming Guests, Prank Call And Some Throat Yogurt. 02/04/05. 6:35am
  Howard came back from break and said that Sylvester Stallone will be on the show next week to promote his magazine ''Sly.'' Howard was reading the magazine last night and said there's a lot of info about working out, cars, and chicks. He also mentioned that Jillian Grace and 3 Doors Down will be on the show soon. Debbie Gibson and Tanya Harding are also on the upcoming guest list. He said he was going to keep some other names secret until next week.

  Since a phone caller mentioned the Touch Tone Terrorists earlier in the show Howard played one of their calls. Actually the Touch Tone Terrorist voices are all done by one guy. The guy jerks people around who call the wrong number thinking that it's a shipping company. Howard got some laughs out of that call. He said the guy who does the voices is a young skinny guy. Robin said he was young when they met him, but that was a few years ago.

  Howard mentioned the upcoming Stupid Bowl that they were going to be playing later on. They had 4 chicks coming in to play the game. One of the girls, Jasmine, is in a porn movie called ''Throat Yogurt 2.'' He played an audio clip from that movie where she was being gagged by some dude. Howard said she was also in ''Young Tight Latino 7.'' He played a clip from that one as well. The guys had mixed those clips with some Three Stooges clips as well so Howard played a couple of those.

• Who's Really Number One In New York Morning Radio? 02/04/05. 6:45am
  Howard brought up the fact that there are some morning shows trying to be shocking so they can get some attention. One of the shows played a song about the tsunami victims that was so offensive that some people ended up getting fired from the morning show. Howard said he heard the song and said that it was really amateurish. He also heard tape of the segment where they first played it and he heard a blatant lie in one of their promos. He played that clip where they claim to be the number 1 morning show in New York City. Howard said they're not number one and it's a lie. He said there's no reason to be number one if people are going to lie about it like that.

  Howard was looking for some COPS audio clips but no one was rushing in to help him out. He took a phone call from a guy who said he was worried about Artie after he heard that he was going out to Las Vegas. Howard said they can't be around to watch Artie all the time though. He eventually got the COPS clips he was looking for and played one where a woman was going nuts and yelling unintelligibly. Robin said they should take that clip and use the Miss Jones in the Morning bumpers as if that's what she sounds like. There was another COPS clip where a woman was talking about her ''6 month year old'' kid. Howard said he loves that show and he's been watching more reality shows lately. He watched the Jessica Simpson show. He said he thinks that she's really stupid and isn't putting that on for the show. Howard also thinks that her husband Nick hates her. He said that Jessica is not that great of an actress so she's got to be as dumb as she seems. Howard is also watching the new season of ''The Osbournes.'' He thinks that Ozzy has had a face lift because the guy can't even close his eyes now. Howard said it does appear that his eyes are pulled back and his eyeballs pop out of his head at certain times. He thinks that Jack is never going to work and he's going out getting all kinds of tattoos all over his body. Howard said he doesn't have the best physique and you'd think he'd have plenty of time to work out.

  Gary came in and told Howard about the ratings he found and said that the last ratings book shows that the Miss Jones in the Morning show is number 9 in the morning radio ratings. Howard's show is number one, not the Miss Jones show. Howard wondered how they can lie like that. Howard checked out the ratings himself and found himself at number one, a Spanish station at number 2, WINS news at number 3, WLTW at 4... Howard said that station, which is lite music, just coasts along playing that crap. He wonders who actually likes to listen to that crap other than dentists offices. Howard replayed the intro from that Miss Jones in the morning show and took a call from a woman who said that they mean that they're number 1 in Hip Hop and R&B. Howard said they didn't say that in that promo he played. The woman said they usually say that before they promote the number one thing. Robin thought it was funny that the station competes against 30 stations and chooses to only compete against 3 stations. Howard also talked about the other morning radio shows that get less than half the ratings he gets. He talked about the local station WPLJ that has Scott and Todd on in the morning and only get a 2.5 rating. Howard gets an 8.0. Howard was talking about how old those guys are and that somehow led to them talking about David Brenner who claims to be only 60 years old. Gary said he tried to figure out how old the guy really is and he's figuring he's in his 70's already. Howard said that the Miss Jones show gets a 3.7 rating in the morning. Imus is at a 2.6. Howard said that it might be time for him to get out of the business. He went to break right after that.

• Clown Porn? 02/04/05. 7:20am
  After the break Howard plugged tonight's E! show that features Benjy at the Trump Roast. He also mentioned the Page 69 gossip page they have on his web site. Howard said he didn't even know some of the stuff that they've been writing about on his site. Howard read that Scott the Engineer was kicked out of Ronnie's limo because there was no room in there. Scott came in and told Howard that the facts weren't straight and he wasn't looking for a ride. Scott claims that he wasn't going to go to Scores with everyone so he wasn't looking for a ride in the limo. Ronnie said that the story was straight and Scott was complaining that he couldn't get a ride. Howard said there's some other controversial bits of info on that page as well.

  Gary came in and showed Howard David Brenner's year book picture that showed his birth date. It was February 4, 1936, so he's 69 years old today. He's not in his 70s like Gary thought he was.

  Howard said that there were a couple of girls who showed up for the Stupid Bowl who were wearing clown makeup for some reason. Howard told him to have them wash it off because he doesn't want to see that crap. He wants to see hot chicks, not chicks wearing clown makeup. Gary brought them back in a few seconds later so Howard could see them. Howard said it's not hot, even though they're naked. The two girls were Hollie Stevens and Jenna Brooks. Howard had an audio clip of Hollie getting banged in one of her porn movies so he played that. Hollie didn't recognize who the guy was in the movie, because she's done 200 movies in 2 years. Howard said the makeup was a turn off for him but it might be okay for the TV show. He asked the girls why they put it on and why they didn't want to look hot. The girls said that they did a movie where they were dressed up like clowns. Howard said that no one will know who they are after seeing them on TV. Guys won't recognize their faces because they have so much makeup on. Howard replayed one of the clips that he played earlier from Jasmine the porn actress. Doug Goodstein came in and said that it will be kind of funny to see the girls trying to do stuff in the Stupid Bowl while they're dressed like clowns. They even had clown shoes on. Howard checked the girls out and said they had good bodies. Gary noticed that one of the girls had been drinking. He could smell the alcohol on her. Howard asked her how much she had to drink. She said she had three Bacardi and Cokes. Howard figured she was wasted but she said she wasn't. Howard let them go back to the green room while he did some other stuff.

• Tonight Show Memorabilia On eBay.com. 02/04/05. 7:30am
  Howard said they know this guy, Steve North, whose father worked at NBC on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Back when the first show started they didn't save tapes of the show so they don't have the first two years on video anymore. Howard said that Tom didn't want them to save his show on tape when he started back in 1986. Gary said that he had to tape the shows on cassette from a boombox back then. Tom came in and said he admits he was wrong and he's glad that Howard suggested that they save tapes of the show. Howard got back to the story he was telling about this guy they knew who worked on The Tonight Show. He says that they have a guest book that they used to have people sign back then. Somebody at the show decided to take the first two books that were filled up and throw them out. This guy's dad grabbed the books out of the garbage and this guy Steve now has the books. The Tonight Show wanted the books back but they'd thrown them in the garbage so the guy kept them for himself. There was a report about it on the news the other day and the books are now on eBay.com and the bidding is up to $150,000. There are a lot of rare signatures in there and the books are worth a lot of money.

• Eric The Midget's Acting Debut. 02/04/05. 7:35am
  Howard brought up Eric the Midget who asked to be on the show ''American Dreams'' a few months ago. Howard hooked him up with this guy who heard the show and now he's done his scene and got paid $3,000 thanks to Howard. Howard had some audio from the scene that Eric shot so he played that as a Howard Stern Exclusive. He had about 2 lines. Howard thought he did pretty good but some people are saying that he should have spoken up. Howard said they made him do the scene a bunch of times so Howard played one of the outtakes. Eric screwed up a line and didn't sound very natural in that clip. Howard said he didn't sound too excited when he did his read either.

  Howard was going to have Eric in the studio to interview him but they have to think about it because he's making all kinds of demands. Howard played the voice mail message that Eric left for them where he demands that Howard not use any type of toilet humor and that Howard not asking him anything about going home to pleasure himself. Eric wanted Howard to take the interview very seriously unlike the interviews he's done in the past. He doesn't care if the interview is boring. Yeah, but the rest of us do.

  Howard said he got a lot of mail about Eric and about that chick that was on the show yesterday. He said that he told her that she was kind of annoying and she freaked out on that. She also called Sal the Stockbroker after the show and complained about him talking about her freckles. Sal claims that she rambled on and on for 25 minutes but he cut it down to about a minute. She complained about the stuff that went on during the show and how she thought they were going to hook her up with a date or something. Howard said that no guy could take that for very long.

• Creepy Caller Wants To Nail Sleeping Chick. 02/04/05. 7:45am
  A listener called in and told Howard he had a girl passed out on his couch and he wanted to bang her in the worst way. He said he's been friends with her for about 3 months now. They were out drinking last night and she got pretty wasted. The guy said that he really wanted to just bang her so Howard told him he'd check his book and see if that was rape... He crumpled up some paper and told the guy that if he flew her to Iraq it might be legal. He said that the guy has to know that it's not right to do that. The guy had a really creepy laugh so Howard goofed on that a little bit. Robin told the guy that he could pleasure himself to her as long as he doesn't touch her. He was getting all worked up talking about what he'd like to do to her while she's passed out. Howard told the guy that if he put the phone up to her and woke her up, he'd try to convince her to do him. The caller woke her up and gave her the phone. Howard immediately told her to get out of the house. He warned her that the guy was in love with her and that she should get out of there. She said that he's kind of a freak. Howard told her what the guy was saying about her and she didn't seem to believe him. Howard also said that she should kiss the guy but she wasn't going to do that. She also said she would mind if the guy pleasured himself to her while she slept. Howard thought she sounded pretty hot on the phone and asked her if she was going to do anything for the guy. She said she wouldn't but she would do something for Howard.

  The guy got back on the phone so Howard told him that the bad news is that she's not going to do anything for him. The good news is that she's willing to do stuff with Howard. The caller got kind of upset and said that he just wants to kiss her because she's got these gorgeous lips. She sounded kind of grossed out by the stuff he was saying about her. Howard told the guy to just say ''I'm sick and tired of being your friend, I want to make love to you.'' The woman, Karen, said ''Get out of my house!'' even though they were in his house. Howard told the guy to tell her to take down he pants and stuff like that. She refused to do it. Howard told him to ask her what it would take to get her top off. Karen didn't have an answer and said she was completely out of it and didn't know what she was doing. She said that he's her friend and buddy and she's not going to do that stuff. Howard offered to put her on the front page of his web site but she wasn't into that either.

  Karen told the guy she couldn't believe he was doing this. She was still refusing to do anything and told the guy that Howard and Robin told her how creepy he was. Howard had the guy saying ''Kiss me now you little whore!'' and stuff like that. She kind of liked that. Howard wanted to hear her moan for him and she was willing to do that. Howard asked what she looks like while that was going on. The guy said she's 5'9'' tall and weighs about 120 pounds. She's hotter than Catherine Zeta-Jones according to the caller. Howard asked him to put her on with him again so he could talk to her. Karen got back on the line and Howard asked her to sing for him. She sang a little bit for him so Howard told her he might be able to get her a recording contract. She handed the phone back to the guy and said she was embarrassed after that.

  Howard made the guy put her back on so he could ask her about her lesbian experiences. She said she had a few experiences and did her first chick around 18 when she was in college. Howard asked her a bunch of questions about that and how she picked up the chick. Karen gave Howard a few details about that. Howard wanted to fly her to New York so he could meet her. She gave Howard a few more details about the lesbian experience and said they went to a gay bar on their first date. She had a bunch of drinks and came on to the other chick. They went back to her apartment and ended up doing stuff. The delay was hit during that part of the discussion so we missed out on some details.

  Howard told the guy that Karen wasn't into him and he should just move on. The guy said that he just wanted to ask her to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him but Howard told him not to do that. Howard asked him not to do anything to her and not go all ''Star 80'' over her. The guy says he's not going to do anything like that. Howard wanted to put them on hold but Tom was bugging him about doing commercials so he accidentally hung up on them.

• Porn Stars Compete In The Stupid Bowl. 02/04/05. 8:25am
  Howard came back from break and said that if there's anyone out there who thinks they know porn trivia, they should call 800-44-STERN because they can win $5,000. He quickly went through some articles and mail he had laying around. He read an article about kids who think that the government should be censoring more stuff than they are now. There was an article about Jay Leno and how awkward he seemed doing the tribute he did for Johnny Carson.

  Howard moved on to The Stupid Bowl after that. He had 4 hot porno stars in to compete for $5,000. Howard introduced each of them one by one. He said he was amazed that they were able to get the $5,000. Gary told him that they weren't able to find a sponsor for the contest so Tom said that the station would pay the money instead. Howard was blown away by that.

  Jasmine was the first porn star that Howard introduced. He played a clip from her movie ''Throat Yogurt 2'' earlier in the morning so he replayed that for everyone. Jasmine laughed as she heard the audio of herself getting gagged. Howard read that she was only in porn for 7 months and she's made over 100 films already. She said she works just about every day. She says that she won't be with more than 6 guys during a movie. As Howard was asking her about that she cursed so Howard decided to move on. Howard said hello to Friday who has been in the business for 3 years, 4 months and 7 days. She talked to Howard about getting into the business and then Howard played an audio clip from one of her movies. Another delay hit came after that.

  Howard talked to the two girls that were dressed in clown makeup. He'd spoken to them earlier in the morning as well. Hollie Stevens was up first. Howard played one of her audio clips and asked her about it. She talked about how she'd gotten one of her nipples pierced and it got infected after she danced on a stripper pole. She ended up going to the hospital 3 weeks later after the pain wouldn't go away. She was high on mushrooms at the time. She also claims that she's tried just about every drug other than crack and heroin. Howard talked to Jenna Brooks next but the delay hits were coming left and right so most of her interview wasn't heard. Howard played one of her porn clips and asked her about getting into porn. She quickly told Howard about pleasuring herself on a flight over to London one time. She said it was a long flight and she didn't have anyone sitting next to her so she did it. There were a couple more delay hits after that so the conversation was chopped up pretty good.

  Howard moved on to the game after that. There were going to be three events. In the first one the girls had to sit naked on balloons and try to pop them. Howard had Jasmine strip down so she could pop some balloons. The girl with the lowest popped balloon count would be eliminated from the competition. Jasmine went ahead and started popping balloons. She had 11 popped by the end of her time. Friday was up next... another delay hit right before her popping began. Friday popped 11. She had a problem toward the end. Friday said she was in pain after that. Hollie was the next one up to pop some balloons. She popped 11 as well. Howard had Jenna go and hoped that there wouldn't be a tie because he didn't want to go through that again. Jenna popped 12 and was also in pain after she was done. Howard didn't know what to do after that because they had a 3 way tie between the other girls. He decided to just eliminate 2 girls in the next round and took a commercial break before getting to Dildo Golf.

• The Stupid Bowl Continues. 02/04/05. 8:55am
  After taking a commercial break, Howard got back to the Stupid Bowl games. Howard said he didn't expect a tie in the last round so they weren't expecting to have four girls left in the games. He quickly asked the girls how they were feeling since they were wearing strap-on dildos on their foreheads for the next game. The dildos were about 15 inches long. They only had 3 at the time so one of the girls had to sit out and wait for her turn to get one of the strap-ons. Jenna went first, Friday was next. They hit a golf ball trying to see who could get it closest to the hole. Friday hit it within 54 inches. Hollie was up next, she missed it a couple of times but when she did hit it, she only missed the hole by 13.5 inches. Jenna was up next and she was having some problems getting the dildo to fit correctly. When she hit the ball she hit it on the back swing. They let her try again and she came within 35 inches of the hole.

  Howard had to eliminate Jasmine and Friday. He gave them a couple of plugs and then moved on to the next round. Hollie and Jenna had to compete in a singing competition while taking a 4 inch sausage down their throats. Hollie went first and had to sing ''Amazing Grace'' as she was gagging on this sausage that was shoved 4 inches down her throat. Howard said she really only took about 3 inches. Gary said she was drooling as she did it as well. Jenna was going to perform the same song. She took the sausage but her clown nose was blocking her from doing it correctly. She had to take the nose off before she could sing. She had about as much luck singing as Hollie did. Howard thought she took more sausage and didn't drool so she was the clear cut winner.

  Doug asked Howard if the clowns could kiss. Howard had them do that and then had the two losers come up and say goodbye. Friday was going to sing ''America The Beautiful'' if she'd made it to that round. Howard asked her if she wanted to sing. She was up for it so Doug had to get another sausage. Howard took a couple of phone calls and saw that Friday was taking a whole sausage down her throat. She took 7 1/4 inches. The guys marked off the four inches for her and had her try to sing. She gagged a couple of times and wasn't able to do it. Jasmine tried to do it as well but she was gagging too much so she gave up on ''I've Been Working on the Rail Road.''

  A phone caller told Howard that he was genius and this game was awesome. Howard gave the girls some plugs for the web sites they're associated with.

  • Danni.com - Friday
  • ClubRedLight.com - Jasmine Burn
  • ClownPorn.net - Hollie Stevens, Jenna Brooks
  • HollieStevens.com - Hollie Stevens
  Howard started to wrap up the game but he took another phone call from a guy who said that Jenna looks really hot on that web site of hers. Jeff the Drunk called in and said he's never wished he was sausage before. Howard went to break after that.

• Phone Calls And Other Various Stuff. 02/04/05. 9:30am
  After the break Howard said that the E! guys have promised to get that Stupid Bowl on pretty soon. He didn't have a date yet. Howard went on to play a an audio clip from COPS where a woman had to get tasered. She was freaking out as the cops were trying to get her out of her car and they eventually had to hit her with the taser. She screamed like they were killing her and continued to freak out on them. Howard said the guys told him that the woman was the size of a whale too. There was another clip from the show where two gay guys were fighting with each other.

  A woman called in and told Howard how much she liked the show yesterday with Jamie and Will the Farter. She thought it was ridiculous that they chopped out the farting stuff from the show. Howard told the caller that's why he has to get out of that place. Howard talked about how annoying Jamie was when she was on the show. She called Sal the Stockbroker after the show and freaked out on him. Sal said she's already called him 4 times today as well. Howard replayed the call that Sal recorded yesterday. Sal said he had to take the babble and edit it down to a minute from the 25 minute rant she had with him.

  Captain Janks called in and asked Howard to find out what the cut off time is for a fart on the show. Howard said that he's actually heard Tom discussing that kind of thing and it all depends on how wet the fart is and stuff like that. Howard thinks that's ridiculous and he knows that Tom won't explain it to Janks on the phone. Tom showed up a few seconds later and said he wasn't going to explain it to ''Mr. Inappropriate.'' Tom said there is no specific rule, it all depends on how it sounds and how long it lasts. Howard said that they've never been fined for that stuff in the past so there's no reason they should be doing it now. Tom said that things have changed and they have to avoid getting fined. Howard told him that they should just let the FCC try and fine them, then take them to court. That will never happen though. Howard said that the government does things to stop companies from taking them to court and it's so illegal but no one can do anything about it.

  Howard also talked about how Mel Karmazin once told him that he had to settle with the government because they were going to penalize them if they didn't pay up before a certain time. He had to do that or lose their licenses. Janks asked Howard if he's going to have Tom on his new show when he moves to ''Eh, eh, eh'' (Sirius). Howard said he will have him on and he'll let him say the F-word. Tom said that if he's still there at Infinity, he won't go on Howard's show. Howard thinks that he will still be there because Joel (Hollender) likes him.

  Howard took another phone call from a guy who had written him a letter saying he wasn't going to follow him to Sirius because he doesn't know what he's going to get when that happens. Howard told the guy that he doesn't want him to go with him to satellite, he's not invited to the party. He found his letter insulting because he's put out quality stuff over the years and he's proven his credibility already. He ended up hanging up on the guy a short time later.

• The Gossip Game With Mike Walker. 02/04/05. 9:45am
  Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he was going to move on to the game. Mike was ready to go right away so here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
  1. American Idol's Ryan Seacrest may have broken up with his girlfriend after they stayed at his family home because his grandmother over heard them making a little too much noise in their room which was right next to theirs. Seacrest tried to block the noise by starting a vaporizer but that's what actually got his grandmother's attention.
  2. Steve Harvey picked up the tab for a family he overheard talking about how their son was going in for brain surgery. Harvey also went to the hospital and gave the kid a pep talk before surgery.
  3. Jon Bon Jovi was at the Four Seasons Hotel dining inside at a table. There were no tables outside so he asked a group of they would be willing to switch tables if he picked up their tab. The group agreed and switched tables with Bon Jovi and his group.
  4. Jennifer Aniston got upset with Courtney Cox after she stopped picking up calls from her after her breakup with Brad Pitt. Cox had to remind Jennifer that she has a new baby that she needs to take care of and couldn't answer every one of her calls. Aniston called back later apologizing for her behavior and worked things out with Cox.
  Howard went with story 3 and Robin and Fred went with story 1 as the false story. The actual false story was number four. Mike told Howard about his new book ''Rather Dumb : A Top Tabloid Reporter Tells CBS How to Do News'' that has been getting some notice lately. He said that the last time they plugged one of his books, they got his amazon.com rank way up there. He was hoping for the same thing today. Howard said he wishes him luck with the book and Mike is hoping that will raise up the rank on amazon once again. Howard let Mike go and then had Robin start her news.

• Creepy Phone Calls Continue. 02/04/05. 10:00am
  A listener called in and told Howard that he had a dream about his sister and he didn't know what to do about it. He said that he and his sister used to practice kissing each other when they were young. That would lead to other things and he ended up messing around with her. The delay was hit at least one time during the guy's explanation so we missed some of the story. The guy said that he thinks he suppressed the story for about 20 years and it just came out in his dream that she'd done some stuff to him when he was 10. He also thinks that his sister's friend did some stuff to him back then. Howard wasn't sure what to tell him to do. The guy has depression problems and Gary thinks that if the guy says anything about it to her, he may get even more depressed. Howard told the guy he really doesn't care and told the guy that he might want to talk to a therapist about it. Howard was about to bail out on the conversation so the guy offered to bring his sister down there with him and confront her on the air. Howard put him on hold and told him to come on down to the studio.

• And Finally... 02/04/05. 10:20am
  During the news Howard mentioned that there is some audio of Will the Farter available on his web site under the Entertainment section. Howard said it's Will farting for about 30 seconds. He took a couple of phone calls before having Robin finish up her news. Bobo called in and said he saw the picture of Howard and Beth at the Knicks game sitting next to Paris Hilton and Paris looked like she didn't want to be anywhere near Howard. Howard said that he was moving toward his girlfriend at that time and he wasn't going to lean into Paris. They were also watching a basketball game at the time so there's really nothing going on there. Bobo also read that Pam Anderson has been going to her kid's school to be a lunch monitor. Howard said that's got to be embarrassing for her kids because she's so hot. He said that other kids in the class probably want to bang her. He said that she should just stay away from their school and let the kids do their own thing. Howard said he stayed away from his kid's school for a long time so he wouldn't embarrass them. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.