Howard mentioned that the Tobey Maguire interview will air on E! tonight. Howard also mentioned that all last week they had all Ozzy Osbourne shows which people apparently liked. Robin brought up the MTV contract that Ozzy is supposed to have for the next couple of seasons. Howard thought that Ozzy was going to get $20 million a year for five years but Robin told him it's actually $10 million a year for 2 years. Howard said that's not all that much money. He went on to talk about Ozzy and ''The Osbournes'' for a little while before getting back to ''Spider-Man'' and Superman. Howard blamed all of the bad Superman movies for Christopher Reeve's horse-riding accident. He said if Reeve had more good Superman movies to work on, he wouldn't have had time to ride horses. Howard also played tape of Christopher Reeve mentioning Howard's name in some speech he made recently. Reeve was talking about how he had to laugh after his accident and Howard made him laugh even while he was talking about him.
Cabbie called in and said he thought about having AJ Benza sit in his corner during the fight because he and John have issues. Cabbie was really nice to AJ but AJ turned on him and ended up blaming him for getting fired after he slapped Stuttering John in the face. Howard couldn't figure that whole thing out. It had nothing to do with Cabbie. Cabbie said he ended up telling AJ to have a nice day and hung up on him.
Howard and Cabbie ended up talking about other stuff after the fight discussion. Cabbie said he didn't see ''Spider-Man'' and wondered if it was really that good. Howard told him it really was good. He said he also saw a great movie over the weekend called ''The Last Castle.'' He said it was really good. Everyone was bringing up other movies and giving quick reviews for a short time.
Howard got back to the fight info and said that it won't be a Pay-Per-View event. It will air on E! either that night or the following Monday. Gary came in and said that there will be a hot girl fight but no topless fight like they'd like to have. They can't do the topless thing there. Howard also said that there won't be a lot of tickets available for this thing. He said they have to take out quite a few seats for the event so that cuts down on the number of fans that can come to it.
Cabbie gave a plug for the Cane and Cabbie show that he's on each day. Howard said that Cane's mother died last week and he's been meaning to send him a note about it. Cabbie said that Cane is very appreciative for all of the nice notes he's gotten from fans. Cabbie also said he realized that he may never know what it's like to lose his mother because he doesn't know who his real mother is. He said he probably won't care when his adoptive mother dies because she wasn't exactly nice to him.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls after talking to Lisa for a few minutes. Some of the people agreed with everything she was saying and some people didn't think she knew what she was talking about.
Lisa told Howard that one way to get a man's attention is to cook some cinnamon rolls about an hour before he comes over because guys tend to think of love and affection when they smell cinnamon or vanilla. She also said another way to keep a man happy is to keep a refrigerator full of beer at all times. That and a satellite dish will keep guys happy according to Lisa.
Stuttering John said that a lot of women have been coming on to Artie at these comedy shows but Artie must be in love with his girlfriend because he turns them all down. Artie said he really is in love with this woman he's dating now. Howard asked him if he's told her that yet. He said he just did on the air.
Artie said that Melrose had this really crazy business idea for him and comedian Jim Florentine. He told Artie that he should start wearing raccoon hats. People will hear that he's wearing a raccoon hat, see it on the E! show and people will want one of their own. Then they open up his own personal raccoon hat web site. Howard told Artie that he should do it just to goof on Melrose. Melrose had another idea to have an Artie Lange movie festival where people would have to pay $10 to see a movie but $200 to meet Artie. Howard had to interrupt the discussion to talk to Richard Jeni real quick. After talking to Jeni Howard said that he's surprised that John has this talent. Artie told Howard that John is actually very funny. He said he's got a lot of confidence when he's on stage and he wished that he had that much confidence when he was at that stage in his career. Robin interpreted that as meaning he wished he had that much confidence when he was that bad at that point in his stand-up comedy career.
Howard said he got a lot of e-mail feedback about the interview he did with Sean Lennon last Friday. A lot of the e-mails were complaints about what a whiner Sean was and how no one cares about his life.
Howard moved on to talk about a bunch of other stuff too. He talked about this ''50 Most Beautiful'' list that he read. He read some of the names and said that the only reason they're on the list is because they have current projects going on. Gary came in and brought up the TV Guide Top 50 TV shows of all time list. They show ''Seinfeld'' as the best of all time but Howard says that it should be ''The Honeymooners.'' Howard also said that ''The Munsters'' and ''The Addams Family'' should be right up there too.
Gary came in and told everyone about some of the latest stories to come out in the tabloids. He brought up a bunch of stories that Howard and Robin commented on. One of the stories was about how Cher hasn't been getting laid lately and she really misses it. Howard said he'd bang her just to say he did her. He said that she'd probably need a lot of K-Y lube though. That led to a discussion about who Howard would rather bang. He picked Cher over Joan Rivers but then picked Raquel Welch over Cher.
Gary brought up Star Jones at one point so Howard ended up playing tape of her talking about what she told someone when she was asked how many cows it took to make her leather pants. She said ''Only one... your mother!'' Howard goofed on her about that for a few minutes.
Howard was talking to Artie about his diet when Gary chimed in with a story about Artie turning down some ''ganoli'' (Canoli). Howard wondered what Gary was talking about with ''Ganoli.'' Artie told Howard that's a slang word for canoli so it was an acceptable use. Howard then started adding the letter G to every word he said to Gary. He told Gary he was ''Getarded'' and goofed on him for a couple of minutes before taking a break.
Howard spoke to Richard about his upcoming comedy special that's airing tonight at 10pm on Comedy Central. It's called Comedy Central Presents and it features Richard. Howard only spent about 3 minutes talking to Richard before getting back to Stuttering John.
Howard moved on to introduce a couple of the guys who would be evaluating this woman today. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Slow Adam about what he's been up to lately. Adam told Howard about staying in this group home that he's been assigned to until he gets accepted into this ''Dahm Home'' where he'll be taken care of. Howard figured that Adam could take care of himself pretty well but apparently he can't. Howard said ''You don't hear voices or anything do you?'' Adam said that he doesn't hear them all the time. He then told Howard how he sometimes hears a phone ringing and goes to answer it but it wasn't actually ringing. Slow Adam had Sal the Stockbroker standing by him to feed him crazy lines to say while he was doing this evaluation. Sal would tell him what to say once in a while and it was actually pretty funny. When Artie said something to him Adam just said ''Oh, hi Jackie.'' He then said that it doesn't matter that he got his name wrong, neither one of them is funny.
Howard sounded pretty fascinated by Adam's life. He continued to talk to Adam about this Dahm Home thing for a few minutes. Meanwhile, Fred was playing a phone ringing sound effect in the background.
Howard eventually moved on to Mr. MetRx, Frank Sepe, who was another one of the evaluators today. Howard said that he looked more pumped up than ever but it was probably because he was sitting next to Slow Adam who was sitting there topless showing off his man-boobs. Howard ended up getting right back to Adam after introducing Frank Sepe. He asked him about the Dahm Home thing some more. Adam said he gets a $60 a month allowance. Howard thinks that Adam should be able to work a job somewhere to make his own money.
Howard asked Frank Sepe if he could help Adam with his physique. Frank said he's a trainer, not a magician.
Stuttering John's brother-in-law, Doug Keller, was the third evaluator today. Howard heard that Doug is quite the ladies man. John told Howard a couple of quick stories about Doug before Howard moved on to the evaluations.
Howard had Tracy come in to be evaluated first. Tracy, a 5'8'' blonde haired, blue eyed 27 year old, was a little chunky according to some of the guys. Howard said she was really cute though. She took her top off and Howard said her boobs were a little on the small side. She said they're just a B-cup. Howard then had the guys evaluate her. None of the guys thought she could be Playboy material. Adam just had some dopey lines to say that Sal the Stockbroker fed him. He said she'd be perfect for Playboy as the photographer. He also said that if she's in Playboy then he's in GQ.
The next woman, Ann, is a 40 year old personal trainer. Howard and the guys said she was pretty hot for her age but no one thought she was Playboy material. Howard was really impressed with her body. He said her ass was amazing. He spent a few minutes talking to her and let the guys evaluate her. She's not quite Playboy material just because of her age. Artie said if you put the Playboy about 50 feet away from you she'd look really hot.
Howard wrapped up the segment and gave plugs to everyone who had a web site... and everyone does. Sal the Stockbroker has a site called HorseToothJackass.com. You can get personalized messages from Slow Adam at SlowAdam.com. Mr. MetRx, Frank Sepe, has a web site of his own at FrankSepe.com and of course MetRx.com
Artie finally got a computer and sent his first e-mail to Howard. Howard said he got the e-mail yesterday around 4pm. Artie said it took him about a half hour to type in 2 lines of text because he doesn't know how to type. Howard joked that the second e-mail he sent was to order a pizza off the internet. Artie said after doing that he visited Yahoo.com and did a search for his name... He said that was a mistake. It was mostly how everyone hates him. Howard said he used to search his name on web sites and it's mostly negative stuff. He said people call him ugly and badmouth his girlfriend and stuff like that. Howard told Artie just to avoid looking at that stuff. Artie said it was like being hit in the head with a bat when he read some of the stuff that's been written about him. Stuttering John said he also reads some of the stuff and it's endless. Howard said they get a lot of negative e-mail at the show too. He read a couple of examples. People were bashing him for talking about Batman and Spider-Man on the show yesterday. Howard got another e-mail that just made him crazy. Someone told him that E! allowed ''Wild On'' to show women's bare nipples on the show. Howard's show is constantly being censored for stuff like that so it drives him nuts.
Right now Artie only knows how to look up his name on the web so Howard predicts that for the next couple of months he'll just be searching for positive comments about him. The E! guys found a site that was a petition to get Artie off the show which got laughs out of everyone in the studio. Another site must have mentioned that Artie didn't graduate high school on time. Gary brought that up so Artie explained it to Howard and told him he graduated late and had a whole graduation celebration in August with just him and a friend who didn't graduate on time either.
Howard said he ran into Crazy Cabbie yesterday and he's in great shape. Howard is thinking that he's going to beat Stuttering John in the upcoming fight.
Howard and the crew spent a little while talking about a few news stories that caught their attention this morning. Howard then moved on to take some phone calls. Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he went to see John Stamos in ''Cabaret'' last night and he was actually very good. He said you wouldn't even know it's John Stamos. Chaunce said he interviewed John and he talks about what happened with his wife at Howard's apartment last year when they all got topless. Howard said he's getting tired of John going around telling people about him. Howard wouldn't get into exact details but John has said something about him to other people that's upsetting him. Howard said he thinks John might have a jealousy thing going on. He said he thinks it's best if he avoids John and Rebecca now.
Howard and the guys talked about superheroes for a little while. Howard said he's glad there really aren't any real superheroes around although he did fool his daughter into thinking he had super powers when she was little.
Fran got right into her cancer discussion. She told Howard and Robin how she went to a bunch of doctors who couldn't diagnose her cancer. Howard also spoke to Fran about her ex-husband and about how she was raped one time. Fran said she's still in touch with her ex-husband and they've become friends since her illness. She said that was a silver lining to this cancer story.
Fran told Howard that she had to have a radical hysterectomy to get rid of the cancer she had. She doesn't have a period anymore and she can't have kids now because of the surgery. She said they took out everything above the cervix. Howard told her she doesn't really need that stuff anyway.
Howard asked her if she's had any surgery on her face or breasts and she said that she hasn't. Howard said that she's really holding up well for a 40 year old woman.
Fran talked about how the doctors failed to find this cancer she had. Fran said she doesn't even have a scar from the surgery. She said they took out a lot of stuff so Howard asked her if she's afraid someone saved her stuff to show people. She said she hopes that didn't happen because she asked for some of it to be saved for her.
Howard asked Fran where her fortune will go when she dies. Fran said that her boyfriend is in her will but other members of her family get more than he would.
After Fran's surgery she had to wait 10 days to have sex. Howard asked her what it was like to have sex the first time after the surgery. She told Howard they had sex the day she found out she had cancer. She said her world stopped when she found that out. Howard wondered why she had sex that day. She said they were hugging and kissing as they were talking about this terrible news and it eventually led to sex. Howard said he would have suggested anal sex that day because the cancer was in her uterus. Fran moved on to talk about having sex after the surgery. She said she wanted to prove that she was still a woman after the surgery. She told Howard she was on her back when they had sex after Howard asked her if she did it doggie style. Fran told Howard she had an orgasm that first time after the surgery too. Fran said all of this stuff is in her book.
Fran told Howard that she was trying to keep the cancer thing quiet when someone told the National Enquirer about it. It then became big news. Fran said all of her friends stayed by her through this whole ordeal. Rosie O'Donnell is one of her friends so Howard asked her what she does with her. Fran said that they hang out together. Howard asked her if Rosie has ever suggested lesbian sex to her. Fran just laughed and said she never has.
Fran said that she has a 95 percent chance of survival because they caught the cancer early. She went on to suggest that people not use anti-perspirant under your arms. She said that deodorant is fine but anti-perspirant has aluminum in it and that may cause problems. She said that a lot of people who have Alzheimer's disease have a lot of aluminum in their blood.
Howard told Fran that if she consumes his semen that it will lower her chance of cancer. Robin and Howard also said that there have been studies that say that having sex often can reduce the chance of getting cancer.
Fran got a few plugs in for her upcoming book signings before Howard took some phone calls for her. One guy called in and said that women who wear bras all the time have more of a chance of getting breast cancer. Fran said she very rarely wears one. Howard let a few other calls through and some people had some nice things to say about Fran. Then King of all Blacks called in and turned things upside down. King had a theory about rapists that drove Fran nuts because she was raped one time. King said that he thinks that a guy who rapes a woman loves her more than the man she's with. He said that when a guy walks by a woman and falls for her, that's real love. Fran sounded very disturbed by his thoughts and told Howard she didn't think they should be talking to him anymore. Howard wanted Fran to talk to him to teach him the right thing but she wanted nothing to do with him. Howard hung up on him and moved on to a couple more calls. He then told Fran he's glad she's still alive and wrapped up the interview.
Howard said Dave was happy as he always is when he comes in. Sam was on the phone from California so he was 3 hours behind on time so he was a bit sleepy. Dave was wired as he usually is and he wouldn't stop talking. The two of them were getting along pretty well when the interview started. It didn't take long before Dave started making little digs at Sammy but Sammy just sat back and took it.
Dave told Howard that this tour is kind of an ''F-You'' to the guys in Van Halen just to prove that they both still have careers even though they were tossed out of the band. Sammy said that he's doing this to prove that he's just as good or better than Dave.
Dave said that he's going to stick to Van Halen songs in his act but Sam said he's going to play some Van Halen stuff but most of his show will be his solo stuff.
This tour was Dave's idea and he had his assistant contact Sam's manager. They later met in a meeting and got along just fine when they decided to forget about everything from the past. The agreed to do the tour and will even take the stage together if the fans want that. Sam said that he will even play guitar during a song for Dave if he wants.
Howard reminded both Dave and Sam about what they've said about each other in the past when he replayed some old interviews. Sam said he regretted calling Dave a goofball when Howard asked him if he'd ever hook up with Dave to tour way back in 1997.
Sam and Dave are going to flip flop opening and closing the show during this tour. Howard was set to do the first coin toss to find out who will open the first show. Both of them think that they should close these shows so they had to agree to flip flop them. While Howard was talking to them about all of this they were both making little digs at each other. Dave made a lot of jokes about Sam and Sam said he's going to do his best to blow Dave off the stage at these shows. Of course Dave thinks he's better than Sammy so he thinks he's going to blow Sam off the stage. They both agree that these will be great shows.
Artie Lange spoke up and said that he's a huge Van Halen fan. He said if he goes to one of these shows and Dave opens up with a bunch of Van Halen songs, he's probably just going to leave when he's done. Howard tried to convince Sammy that he's going to need to play more Van Halen songs. Sam said he opens up with ''Shockadoobie'' while Dave opens up with ''Hot for Teacher.'' The guys all think that Sam needs to open up with something other than ''Shockadoobie.'' Someone even suggested that they both perform the same songs and have a competition. That's not going to happen though.
Howard moved on to do the big coin toss to decide who will open or close the first show on the tour. Sam took heads while Dave got tails. Howard took the coin and flipped it and got tails. Dave won the toss and said he's going to headline the first night. Sam said no one is ''headlining'' the show. One band opens and one closes the show. Dave gets to close that first show. After that they'll start flip-flopping back and forth. The first show of 'The Song for Song Tour' takes place in Cleveland, Ohio on May 29th.
The way the guys were going at each other makes it sound like this tour may not last long. Howard and Robin want to see them if they make it to New York though... if they last that long working together.
Howard took a few phone calls for the guys after Sammy threatened to get off the phone. Sam thought for sure that Howard was going to have someone on the phone bashing him. The first caller was a Sammy fan though. A few callers asked some questions and didn't get too nasty when they called in. Howard wrapped up his call with Sam after the fans called in. He spent a few more minutes with Dave and then wrapped it up with him too. Dave was still making digs at Sam so it's sounding more and more like they're not going to be able to get along during this tour.
For more information on Dave and Sam you can visit their respective web sites... DavidLeeRoth.com for Dave and RedRocker.com for Sammy.
Howard asked Artie what happened yesterday after Artie let it slip that he loves his girlfriend. Artie said the worst thing happened, she didn't hear it and a friend of hers interpreted it for her. Artie said she brought it up and turned it around on him. She said she heard he said he loves her. Artie told her she knows that but she said he's never told her that. Neither of them said that the phrase ''I love you'' while they had this discussion. Artie said his girlfriend told him that the feeling is mutual but didn't say ''I love you too'' or anything like that. Gary came in and told Artie to get used to having other people tell his woman what happens on the show. Gary said that his wife was upset when someone told her about his masturbation habits after they heard him talk about it on the air one day. Robin suggested that Artie send his girlfriend some flowers but Howard told him to just let it be for now.
Howard pointed out that Benjy shaved his head trying to lose as much weight as possible for the Bally's Total Fitness Weight Loss Challenge that ends today. Howard and Robin said that Gary looks like he's going to win the contest. Artie said that Gary looks like Hilary Swank now that he's lost weight. He's all teeth from what the guys say.
Howard was goofing on Scott the Engineer about a couple of things. Artie said that Scott pounces on him first thing in the morning to talk to him but Fred ends up doing his impression of him while he's talking to him. Gary said that Fred is really brutal first thing in the morning and he loves to goof on Scott the Engineer and Scott DePace from E!. Gary said Fred likes to goof on him about liking The Dave Matthews Band. Howard said he doesn't get Dave Matthews and why he's so popular. DePace came in so Howard could talk to him about that. Howard ended up talking about a bunch of other bands that he gets confused with these days. Howard isn't up on all of the bands that they play on his station in New York City. He mentioned a few songs that he likes and Gary told him what the band names were. Howard played a couple of songs by Blink 182, Hoobastank, Jimmy Eat World and Linkin Park. Howard didn't like the Jimmy Eat World song that he played. He likes this one Blink 182 song ''Stay Together For the Kids'' that upsets him every time he plays it. It's about divorce and it hits a nerve with him. Gary had Howard play a bunch of the Linkin Park songs because just about every song on the album is a hit. Howard said he'd take good old Van Halen over any of this stuff though. He played a couple of clips of Van Halen songs before he had to take a break.
Howard got back to the screening and said that he was getting pissed when 4:05 rolled around and the movie hadn't started. Then it was 4:10 and Howard asked someone what the hold up was. They told Howard that they were waiting for some people to show up. Those people never showed up.
Howard said there was a woman behind him talking to her 2 year old and she wouldn't shut up. Howard got pissed that no one was saying anything to her. He said he turned around and gave the woman the evil eye because he couldn't enjoy the movie. He said he turned around and just stared at this family of 4 who were just making noise constantly. They were unwrapping and eating food and just annoying the crap out of him. Fifteen minutes in Howard said he finally said something to the woman. He said he asked her if she realizes that her kid is too young for the movie. The woman just shook her head and looked at him. After that there wasn't a word or a peep from them after that. Howard said he doesn't know what they did with the kid but they finally shut up. Artie said Dana told him she was glad Howard said something. Howard said he doesn't want to go to screenings with human beings because he can't stand them.
Howard said the movie started out horrible. Robin disagreed though. Howard thought the first 15 minutes were really slow. He said ''Star Wars'' has seen it's better days. The writing seemed to be the problem according to Robin and Howard. Fred didn't like the movie but he said it was cinematically beautiful so people will want to go see it.
Howard said everything is a build up and you never find out anything. Both Howard and Robin said the last half hour of the movie was great when they were battling. Artie said he loved it because he loves the whole story there and now he can't wait to go see the next one.
There were some scenes in the movie that got laughs which shouldn't have. Howard pointed out one scene where Natalie Portman does a couple of things that got laughs but shouldn't have. Howard also said the Jedi powers are very inconsistent too.
Howard said he will recommend the movie because it was visually beautiful and you just have to go to see the continuing story. Howard said it wasn't better than ''Spider-Man'' but it will do well as far as box office.
Debbie went on and on about everything from the Kentucky Derby to the battle going on in Israel. She even gave Howard a history lesson about Kentucky. She knew details about Kentucky that impressed Howard.
Howard figured that Debbie must read every single newspaper every day to know all of the things she knows. She said she just skims through a bunch of papers every day and reads about what she wants to read about. She said she also likes sports so she's not just into this Jihad stuff that she's always talking about. You can read Debbie's column at TownHall.com.
Howard said Gary looks emaciated today, four weeks from the first weigh in. Everyone seems to think that he's sure to win. Gary told Howard what he ate yesterday and it wasn't much food. He's been working out really hard and barely eating because he really wants to win. He worked out at 3 o'clock this morning before the show so he could get down as low as he could for the weigh in. He hadn't eaten anything this morning at all. He was chewing gum all morning. He even took a Fleet enema this morning to clean himself out. He said he did it at the Bally's gym that opened up just for him at 3 in the morning. Gary told Howard how he gave himself the enema in the handicapped stall of the mens bathroom at the gym. Gary said nothing came out and he didn't lose anymore weight.
Howard said Mike Gange looked pretty thin too. Gange said he did all that he could to lose weight but he didn't take an enema. He said he took a ''Doot Tea'' to try and clear out his bowels. Howard doesn't think Gange has a chance of winning just because he's always the loser. He might come in second but he won't win. Gange went through his meals from the past 24 hours and it sounded pretty good to Howard. He's also been working out regularly.
Howard thinks that Artie gained weight and Benjy doesn't look much thinner. Benjy cut off all of his hair for the contest. He claims that he's been fasting since last Tuesday. He's been drinking water and coffee since then. He stopped drinking water yesterday. He said he sat in a sauna all last night to try and lose more weight by sweating. Gary said he was running up and down the hall 30 minutes before the weigh in today but he only went to the gym one time in the month they've had to lose the weight.
Artie was going to be the first weigh in. He told Howard what he ate yesterday and it wasn't that much.... but he did have a Ring Ding late last night.
Howard had Artie get on the scale and the guy from Bally's weighed him in. He came in at 215 pounds which is a gain of 3 pounds over last week. That calculated to be a 4 percent loss over the month. His first weigh in was 224 pounds.
Mike Gange was second up on the scale. He started out at 231 pounds 4 weeks ago and weighed in today at 201 pounds which Doug Goodstein calculated to be 12.98 percent. Benjy was next up on the scale. He originally weighed in at 265 pounds. Today he weighed in at 221 pounds which calculated out to be 16.6 percent. Finally, Gary got on the scale. He started out at 208 pounds and weighed in at 172.5 pounds which calculated out to be 17.06 percent. Gary won the challenge and Benjy was already complaining. Benjy complained about the weigh in and how they did it.
Mike Gange and Benjy had a side bet about who would lose the most pounds so Gange lost that one too. He now owes Benjy $1000. Artie was already starting to eat.
The Bally's people presented Gary with his check and the free membership to Bally's for one year. The rest of the guys also got memberships to Bally's to keep up their diets and workouts. Here's the final results for each of the contestants:
Howard came back from break and heard that Gange's mother called and congratulated him... for coming in third place. Howard said that's why he's a loser. His parents never tell him to get his ass in gear and win at something. Howard's parents never pampered him like that and that's why he has the drive he has. Gange told him he's also in therapy for that though. Howard thinks that Gange will also be in therapy at that age too. Howard said Artie ate 3 slices of pizza and a chocolate bar during the break.
Howard said Hunter had some other big news to announce while he was on the phone. A few weeks ago Andy Dick was on the phone and said that he thought that Hunter stole his girlfriend Lisa from him. Hunter denied it for a couple of weeks but then this morning he said he was in bed with her. Lisa told Howard that they've been in this relationship since about a week after she broke up with Andy. Howard said that must drive Andy crazy. Hunter and Lisa claim that Andy called them earlier and woke them up, that's why they were up so early calling Howard. A short time later Gary called Andy and got him on the phone. Andy claims that he didn't call Hunter and Lisa, Lisa called him crying and spoke to him all night. Howard asked Lisa if that was true and she denied it.
Hunter and Andy went back and forth with allegations that they've threatened each other's lives and stuff like that. Andy was also trying to say something about what Hunter and Lisa do but he wouldn't say exactly what it was. Andy wanted Hunter to talk about it but Hunter didn't seem to know what he was talking about. They also continued to argue about who called who earlier in the morning. Andy tried to get Lisa to admit that she called him crying about how Hunter was holding her hostage or something like that. She denied those claims also. Andy told Howard he thinks something strange is going on with her because she doesn't sound like herself.
Hunter kept bringing up Andy's bi-sexuality and goofed on him about that. He told Andy that he doesn't think that there's such thing as a bi-sexual, there's only homo's and non-homo's and Andy is a homo. This went on for about 40 minutes. Andy lost his connection once but called back and continued to argue with Hunter. Andy said he still loves and cares about Lisa and she knows that he'll be there for her if she needs him. They never settled any of the accusations and they were more pissed off at each other by the end of the conversation. Andy told Howard that he's going to change his phone number because of all of this stuff and he's going to move on with his life. Howard had a tough time getting them off the phone. He kept telling the guys that he had to take a break but they just kept arguing. He eventually got them to get off the phone and took a break.
Mr. MovieFone called in to talk to Howard about the new ''Star Wars'' movie. Howard didn't believe it was him at first because his voice wasn't quite up to what it should be. Stuttering John complained about the commercials they run when you call MovieFone. Mr. MovieFone said there are no commercials, they do run previews for upcoming movies though. Mr. MovieFone told Howard the pre-sales for ''Star Wars: Episode II'' are huge and they're over the ''Spider-Man'' pre-sales already. Mr. MovieFone saw the movie already and said he enjoyed it. He said he thinks that the fans will like the movie too. Howard asked Mr. MovieFone about how much he's worth. Robin said she remembers that he's divorced so he lost half of his money. He said it wasn't quite half but he did lose some of his money. Howard and Artie ended up goofing on Mr. MovieFone about the way he was laughing after his own jokes. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later.
After taking a break Howard took some phone calls about last night's E! show. They showed the Bally's Total Fitness Weight Loss Challenge and this guy Shuli said it looked like Artie has a piercing on his penis or something. He doesn't have anything pierced down there though. Howard spent a little time talking to Benjy about his disturbing look. He shaved most of the hair off his body and he looks really odd.
Shuli also brought up a story he read about Oprah Winfrey and how she was out buying lingerie and thong underwear to rekindle her relationship with Stedman. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how fat women seem to think that men want to see them in thong underwear... but they don't. Howard and the guys talked about some women who used to be good looking but got fat like Kirstie Alley and Linda Ronstadt. KC came in and said that Molly Ringwald has porked up lately too. Howard said she was never good looking though. Howard mentioned Stevie Nicks, Delta Burke, Sally Struthers and a couple of others. Howard said good looking women who let themselves go like that should be jailed.
Howard moved on to talk about this pipe-bomb kid who was just arrested. Howard talked about how he doesn't understand this kid's motivation. He does understand someone wanting to be famous but not that way.
Howard said other people, like Steve O from MTV's ''Jackass'', are willing to do nutty things to be famous. Howard brought up how Steve O had his nut sack stapled to his thigh the last time he was on the show. Howard said he's coming back and he can't imagine what he's going to do next. Howard also brought up how other kids send him tapes of themselves doing wacky stuff like having their ass and testicles stun-gunned. Howard said it always looks like these kids are taping this stuff in the back yard of a trailer park.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who wanted to play some clip from a TV show for him. The guy didn't play it loud enough for him so Howard asked him if Stuttering John listened to it before he put him on the air. The guy said no one listened to it or told him how to play it correctly. John came in and said he was in the bathroom and this guy Will set up the call. Howard ended up getting pissed at John for not checking Will's work. Howard also said he heard that John yelled at the office manager, Anne Marie, because he wasn't invited to the ''Star Wars'' screening. Howard said that John doesn't deserve to be invited to any movie screenings and he won't be invited to any more in the future.
After another break Howard brought up Rosie O'Donnell. He had a clip of her talking about her son on her TV show. Howard said the real star of the clip is Rosie's band leader who just keeps saying ''Really?... Wow!... Right...'' Howard goofed on the guy for a couple of minutes. Artie also brought up Kevin Eubanks who is just as bad on ''The Tonight Show'' with Jay Leno.
Howard got back to this pipe-bomb kid, Luke Helder, discussion. He said on FOX news yesterday they started to play some of the guy's music but bailed out on it pretty quick. Howard had a couple of the guy's songs so he played them and goofed on them a little bit. Howard got a laugh out of the FOX news thing yesterday because they were trying to interpret the lyrics of the songs to find out what this guy was thinking. Howard tried to figure out what the guy was singing also. Artie and Howard ended up singing along a little bit and goofed on the songs a little bit.
Howard said that Artie was invited to hang out with Dick Cheney and President Bush at some dinner. The letter started out ''Dear Arthur'' and went on to invite him to a dinner at the convention center in Washington D.C. They thanked him for his support and eventually get around to asking him for money. It was $2,500 for a single ticket or $25,000 for a table of 10. Artie said he's thinking about going because he can afford it. Howard told him he's got to go and get his picture taken with Bush and Cheney.
Howard read a letter he got from someone offering a woman, Kiki, to do a Bukkake party for Howard's fans. The letter said that she has been Bukkake'd by many guys and even drinks from a ''Bukkake bong.'' Howard said he's going to respond to this guy and set up Kiki for the show.
This guy Zolar called in and told Howard they should send Beetlejuice to this Presidential dinner instead of Artie. Howard said Artie could bring Beet with him to the dinner or they could pay the $25,000 and have the full table of 10 freaks. Howard said he's got to at least bring Beetlejuice with him to the dinner.
Howard said they tried to have David Lee Roth read something that they wrote for him but he just does whatever he wants. Howard said they write something that makes sense and he just goes off on his own wacky rant that wasn't even close to what they wrote. Howard said they'll use what he said but it wasn't quite what they were trying for.
Howard brought up ''Son of the Beach'' and the fact that Frank Sinatra Jr. plays this guy Stink Finger and sings a song of the same name. Howard heard from Tim Stack who created ''Son of the Beach'' who said that Frank Jr. actually performs that song in his act at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas now. Howard played the song to let everyone hear how funny it is. The new season of ''Son of the Beach'' starts in June.
KC told Howard about this guy earlier in the show. He goes out dressed as the Crocodile Hunter but finds bums on the street and marks them like animals. Howard played a clip of the guy on tape wrestling with a homeless guy so he could mark the guy's forehead with a number. He does it just like the Crocodile Hunter guy on the Discovery Channel. They measure him like he's a crocodile and hold him down while he asks what the hell they're doing. He then marks the guy and lets him go back off into the wild. KC said you can check their stuff out on BumFights.com. Howard said this stuff just isn't right and it's got to be illegal. Howard had them play a second clip where they find a guy in a sleeping bag and duct tape his hands together so he can't fight back. The homeless guy just tells the guy that he's got nothing for them. The Bum Hunter then marks the guy with a number 111 on his head. He points out the amount of dandruff the guy has and talks about the clothing he's wearing before releasing him.
The E! guys showed tape of Sarah kissing Beetlejuice and Howard saw that she had nice boobs before she got the implants. Sarah told Howard that she also got liposuction from Dr. Sal Calabro. Howard had her strip down so he could check out her new body. He said it looked real good. He said her ass looked good after the lipo. Howard asked her if it was worth making out with Beetlejuice for. She said it was worth it.
Sarah is a stripper so she needed the big boobs. She does bachelor parties so Howard asked her if she does Bukkake at the parties. She said she doesn't do that but she apparently winked when she told him that. Howard thought she was winking but it turns out she just had a tick or something.
Sarah thanked Dr. Calabro and all of the people that work with him for being so nice to her when she had the work done. You can check out Sarah's before and after pictures at SalCalabro.com.
Howard said one of the concerts was INXS but the lead singer is dead. He said they probably play 4 notes and end the song. He wants to see what they end up doing.
Howard said he likes Lenny Kravitz but it's not a concert he'd go to see. Pink is appearing with Lenny which he thought was an odd mix. Howard and the guys talked about a bunch of the other bands that tour but don't have the original lead singers anymore. There were a couple of concerts that Howard mentioned that he would actually go to see. He said he'd go to see Sheryl Crow and Train or David Bowie and Moby.
Howard said he gets requests for autographed pictures from prisoners quite a bit. He doesn't know what a guy in prison would do with that picture though. He recently got a request for an autographed picture of his girlfriend Beth who appeared in FHM magazine recently. Howard said he doesn't want pictures of his girlfriend pasted on a jail cell wall though. He said it ''ain't gonna happen'' to the guy in case he was listening.
Howard went through a bunch of mail that they've gotten. He got one from someone who had a definition of this word Henry Hill used to describe African American's. The letter said that Tutsoon (spelling?) is the name for a Brazil nut. Robin told Howard that when she was young her mother told her that Brazil nuts were called ''nig*er toes'' which was odd coming from a Black woman.
Gary came in and brought up an R. Kelly interview that was on BET last night. Kelly was accused of having sex with an underage girl. He found it odd that they didn't dig deeper into the questions they asked him. They asked about women he settled lawsuits with and what kind of relationships he had with them. R. Kelly wouldn't say much more than the fact that he knew them and the interviewer didn't dig into that. Howard played a clip of R. Kelly defending himself and he made no sense at all.
Howard played a clip of some voice mail he got from these two black guys. They do their own radio show on the voice mail and they're pretty entertaining. Howard told Gary to book them for the show because he's got to talk to them in person.
Howard moved on to do the news after talking to Bill. He sat in on the news and commented on some of the stories Robin went over.
Yesterday Howard talked about how Stuttering John yelled at Anne Marie about how he wasn't invited to the ''Star Wars'' screening. After the show they all had a meeting and John sat in the back of the room and kept his mouth shut. Howard said he likes it that way. John is now just sitting at his desk screening phone calls like Howard wants him to.
Howard had a trip to Las Vegas to give away so he decided to play this strange game with two listeners who called in. The guys had to each alter back and forth saying ''Bang'' to each other until one of them just stops. Howard had them try it out and they went at it for a minute but Howard stopped them telling them it was just a test. He said he wants to just let them keep going all morning long. Howard ended up giving the first caller, Leo, win the trip to Vegas. The second caller won $500 courtesy of ''The Jerry Springer Show.''
Howard took a break and came back to talk about how this pipe-bomber kid was trying to make a happy face on the map the way he was setting off these bombs. Howard said he can't wait until the guys in prison get a hold of this kid and wipe the smile off his face.
Howard said they all got to go see the new Richard Gere movie ''Unfaithful'' yesterday and the movie was ''great.'' Howard said Gere was really good in the movie. Howard said Diane Lane was pretty hot even though she's getting older now. He said this movie is just as good as ''Fatal Attraction.'' Howard said he's afraid it's going to be missed because of all of the ''Spider-Man'' hype. Robin agreed with Howard and said that Gere really was great in the movie.
Robin complained about Howard talking during the start of the movie. Howard complained about a woman and her kid talking during the ''Star Wars'' screening so Robin thought that was kind of funny.
General Manager Tom Chiusano came in to talk about how sexy Diane Lane is. Howard ended up talking to Tom about his son and how he's running off to Europe for a month. Tom said his son hasn't been able to find a job so he's going to go off to see Europe while he still can. Tom said his son wants to manage a professional sports team some day. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Tom about that. He also talked about how he had a hard time getting jobs when he was younger too. Tom told Howard that his son does have some jobs that he's been working but he can't find one that he wants to turn into a career. Howard seems to think that going to Europe just delays the job finding process so it might not be a great idea.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Howard if she can sing the National Anthem at the upcoming Stuttering John vs. Cabbie fight which will be called ''The Junkie vs. The Flunky in The Brawl at the Taj Mahal.'' Howard told her that they've already done that and they're not going to do it again. Howard told her it's okay if she goes to the event but she won't be singing.
Through all of this they stuck together. That's what led to the book thing. Howard let them talk about all of that but wanted people to know that there are a lot of relationships like this out there. There are men who are ashamed to admit that they're gay and they go out and marry straight women and will eventually let them down.
Howard described the girls saying that Shallan is blonde, big boobs and like what you'd see in Playboy. Christina is dark skinned and more ethnic looking.
Howard said Christina kisses another woman in the show tonight. He asked her if she's a lesbian and she apparently got upset and cursed. She said that she's not a lesbian even though she's tried oral sex with another woman. She said that's not ''gay'', it's being ''curious.''
Howard spent a couple of minutes quickly talking to the girls about what they do in their lives but he had to wrap it up quickly because they had to run off to the other shows they had to do. Shallan said that she's a hostess at Spago while Christina is a model.
Howard said he'll watch this special because he's curious to see what goes on. ''The Girl Next Door'' airs at 8pm on FOX tonight.
Howard said he told Rose to get the kid out of the studio because it was ruining it for other people in the theater. Rose said he was over exaggerating how much noise the kid was making. Robin said this woman just doesn't get it. Her kid was making noise and annoying other people and she doesn't seem to realize that. Rose told Howard that she cares more about her daughter than she does about Howard.
Howard took some phone calls and people said this is the reason they don't go to movies anymore. Rose told Howard to get over himself and hung up a short time later. Howard was trying to ask her some questions that she didn't want to answer so she bailed out. Artie Lange said he heard all of the noise too but Rose thought that both of them were overreacting to the whole thing.
Steve went on to ask a few more questions but he was being dragged out by then. He asked Donny how often he masturbates and if he thinks homosexuals all go to hell. They pulled him right out at that point.
Howard said that Kathleen is a very big woman and he doesn't understand how he could be seduced by someone like that. He brought up how hot the original Mrs. Robinson was in the movie ''The Graduate'' and how he understood that attraction. Howard and Artie continued to goof on Kathleen's voice and made fun of her for quite a while.
Jason said that Kathleen gets completely nude for about 30 seconds in the play. He said you get to see her boobs and her vagina. Howard asked if the stage is dark at that point. Jason said it's dimmed down a little bit and it's lit the right way for her. Howard joked that she goes off to a dark corner and hides her penis between her legs while doing his manly impression of her.
Howard also brought up how Alicia Silverstone is in the play and goofed on her for a little bit. Howard said when she played Batgirl in the ''Batman'' movie, he thought she had a moustache. He and Artie goofed around with that a little bit.
Howard brought up some of the bad reviews that ''The Graduate'' got. He read a couple of them and Jason got bashed pretty good in the reviews. Jason said he doesn't mind hearing all of this stuff though. He wanted Howard to read the reviews to him. Howard said one review called him brilliant... but he was just making that one up.
Howard said he heard that Kathleen Turner is a vegetarian but Jason said that wasn't true. He said that Alicia Silverstone is a vegan. Jason said that's going a bit far for him and he doesn't get it. He said he respects her opinion about eating dairy products and stuff but he's not going to go for that.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Jason and one guy seemed to claim that he heckled Kathleen one night. He hung up before Howard could ask him about it but Jason said they did get heckled one night and it threw them all off.
Howard asked Jason why Shannon Elizabeth is upset with him. Jason said she's probably upset about Howard saying that she has fake boobs when she claims they're real. Even Jason said it's obvious that they're fake though. Howard also asked Jason if he's gotten any ''celebrity ass'' since he got famous. Jason said he's been with this one chick pretty long and he hasn't taken advantage of his fame for ''celebrity ass.''
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone to play his Gossip Game. He spent a short time talking to Mike and then got to the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard wrapped up the interview with Jason after playing the game. He said ''The Graduate'' is playing at The Plymouth Theater on Broadway and you can get ticket info by calling 212-239-6200.