It's a sad story, about a jerk named Brady
Who was bringing up 3 broads as cute as hell
But he lost his cash with bad investments
The damn stock market fell
Now the house is, in bank foreclosure
They were forced to live in boxes on the street
They wear clothes they pick out of the garbage, with only rats to eat
Now they're homeless and they are all eating dog food
And we think that little Cindy's selling crack
But there's hope for the once rich and happy family
Now that little Marcia Brady's coming back
The homeless Brady Bunch
The homeless Brady Bunch
Now Jan is turning tricks to pay for lunch
Since there wasn't much else happening on the show today I thought I'd include it in today's news.
Howard started off the show talking about the guests they had coming in. They had LL Cool J coming in and Daniel Carver doing some movie reviews. He quickly mentioned that and then went to a break which was edited out of this Master Tape Theatre.
Howard said that they should have this guy Trevor Reese Jones who was Dodi Al-Fayed's bodyguard in the Princess Diana crash. He said they might be able to get the phone to him but they have to act quick and talk to him as soon as they get him the phone. He said they had to sneak a phone into him.
Howard had the guy on the phone a short time later and spoke to this Trevor Reese Jones (being played by Crackhead Bob). Howard asked him what happened that night with Lady Di. ''Trevor'' told Howard that he as driving that night and then made a noise which was the car crashing. Howard asked him if the driver was drunk. Bob said he was and he let him drive because he wanted him to drive drunk. He also said that he wanted Dodi to be his boyfriend and that he was jealous of Diana.
Howard asked ''Trevor'' about the paparazzi following them around all the time. He said that they had jumped in front of the car and that they were going about 120 miles per hour when that crash happened. Howard asked about what was going on in the car at the time of the crash. Bob said that they were having sex and made some sex-like noises to describe it. He also said there was a song on the radio that he had created for them. He even sang some of the song for Howard. The lyrics were very simple... ''I love you and you love me.''
Howard asked Robin if she had any other questions for him. She couldn't come up with anything so Howard just asked about what Lady Di's final answers were. He just moaned. He also said that Dodi's final words were ''Oh, ohh, ohhhh.'' He also didn't know that they had died so he started to cry. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard hung up on Big Black and said that he can listen to just about anything when they're talking about him that but that show was awful. He said maybe it's funnier when you see the video but he couldn't take it.
Howard asked about one of the movies he did and Joey said that shot that one with this guy William Hickey but the guy ended up dying. Howard talked about that guy and how he wanted him to play Imus in his movie ''Private Parts.''
Joey said that he has done a lot of movies for HBO and has worked with some people like Dom Deluise and Lou Ferrigno. Howard asked him what that movie was about where he worked with Lou Ferrigno. Joey talked about Lou and Dom a little bit but didn't mention the movie. Howard said that movie will probably never be seen. Howard made fun of Lou's speech and goofed on him for a little while. Joey told Howard about the movie and what parts the guys play in it. After hearing about the movie Howard said it must be something else to watch. He muted his voice and let Joey Ramble on a little bit. Then he asked Joey what part he plays. Joey said he plays himself.
Howard thought that the movie was about gangsters and thought it was an old-time gangster movie but Joey said it's a modern day gangster movie. Howard said he had to get rid of this guy and asked Joey why he called. Joey said he just wanted to let them know what he was up to. Howard figured the producers of the movie put him up to it. Howard wrapped up with Joey a short time later and let him go.
Howard said that everyone is a movie star these days. He took another call from a guy who asked him why he's making fun of Lou Ferrigno. He said if Lou was there he'd break Howard in half. Howard did his impression of Lou again and goofed around with that for a short time. The caller told Howard he was a dick for doing that and hung up on him. Howard stayed in character for a few seconds and said they really have to see that movie.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she just got to see his movie and really loved it. She said she wasn't able to get to the movies to see it in the theaters. She said that she thought that Bryant Gumbel made a bit of a prejudiced comment during a show he was on and she didn't like what he said. Howard ended up hanging up on her because she was being ridiculous. She had mentioned she was on the phone to Hard Copy trying to get them to cover it so Howard goofed on her about that. He said he had to go to break a short time later.
Howard talked about how nutty Joey Buttafuoco was when he called in. He did an impression of him and goofed on him a little bit. He said when they come back they'll have LL Cool J and a bunch of other stuff. He went to commercial right after that.
Howard said that in LL's book he talks about being a porn addict. Robin and Howard said that's an odd thing to be addicted to. They goofed on him about that. Howard asked him if he's into snuff films and stuff like that. LL didn't know such a thing existed so Howard told him about what they are. He explained to him how these snuff films are for real and they had a guy call them yesterday talking about one that he had made. Howard said they didn't believe it existed and wanted to see what he was talking about. They were going to have him come to the studio today but then Tom Chiusano said he had spoken to a lawyer and he was warning them not to view the film. If they had watched it and saw a real murder, they could get into trouble over it. Howard said he didn't see how he'd be in trouble if he had nothing to do with the murder. He said Tom is an idiot but now he's afraid to have that guy up there.
Howard said that LL just won an MTV Video Vanguard award so he talked about that. He also brought up how LL has this thing where he wears his one pant leg up like a bike messenger does. He went on to talk about this book that LL has out now. He said LL's porn collection was up to about 20 pornos when he was addicted. He said that's nothing, he's got about 80 himself. LL didn't want to say exactly what he had in his collection though. Howard talked about how Jackie likes to see dudes in pornos but he'd rather see two women going at it so he can pretend that he's in there with them. Robin told LL that Howard also likes to watch some S&M stuff as well.
Howard said his favorite stuff is this Master Bill guy who runs this torture farm. He explained some of the stuff he's seen in those movies but LL seemed to know exactly what he was talking about. He didn't know the movie but he had an idea of what it might be like. Howard continued to talk about how bad looking this Master Bill guy is and how he ties women up and whips them. He said he takes one woman and puts her breasts in a vice. Fred was playing some whipping sound effects while Howard was talking about it. LL was laughing at that and asking what was going on there. Howard told him that's for the audience so listening to the radio is like watching TV.
Howard asked LL if he would watch the whole film when he was addicted to the porn. LL said he only needed a little bit, he didn't need to see the whole thing. That got Howard back into the addiction thing with LL. LL said that he used to steal porn when he was a kid. He would also watch the porn about 5 or 6 times a day because he was so addicted to it. He said he wasn't really addicted to sex, it was just watching the porn that he was addicted to. LL asked Howard if he's got a hiding place for his porn and if he has satellite just for the porn channels. Howard said he does have satellite but it's not like he's watching it just for the porn.
Howard talked about how Robin likes to goof on him about the porn clips they watch but then she'll want to see the clips. He told LL about this Japanese porn movie he's seen where they ask women to do really weird stuff like taking an enema and then relieving themselves on a surf board.
Howard told LL about how Robin actually rented an instructional video to learn how to do oral for one of her men. LL had some fun making some gurgling sounds and some humming noises for her. Howard asked LL if he would always wear a condom when he was with women. He said he would but they'd pop sometimes. LL said that he got to experience a lot of women before he got married and claims he got it all out of his system. Howard asked him how many women he had before he got married. LL wasn't sure and he didn't know if he should say 200 or 2000. He said he actually had a guy at the concerts he would do and he'd ask that guy to go out and pick the girls out of the audience for him if he liked them. He said he didn't disrespect the girls really. Howard said he did though because he would bang them just once and not call them again. LL said they did the same thing to him though.
Howard read that LL's father shot his mother and grandfather after his mother left him. He said she was tired of getting beaten by his father so she left and he went after her. LL said that he had to prepare to talk about that stuff and was joking around so he wasn't quite ready for that stuff. Howard said they were going to joke around about that as well though. Howard read that LL was 4 years old at the time of this shooting. LL wanted Fred to play some serious music while he told that story. Fred played some for him so LL talked about how he had walked into the room and found his mother in a pool of blood and his grandfather's stomach hanging out.
LL said his father shot his mother in the back because she had tried to close the door on him and fell down. He said his father didn't go to jail for it either. He said the guy is still around to this day but he doesn't talk to him at all. LL said his mother didn't want to go after him because she was so forgiving. He also said that his father actually ended up managing him later on in his life. He said that didn't work out that well because his father mishandled his finances and he ended up losing the money he had made.
Howard said he had some phone calls to take. LL was afraid he was going to hear from Crackhead Bob or someone like that. Howard took a call from a guy who asked LL if he wanted to do a freestyle rap over a Police song like some other rapper had done. Howard didn't get why he would ask LL to do something that's already been done. He moved on and played some clips of some homeless people asking some questions. LL started laughing when he heard the questions. One was about Mike Tyson being railroaded and the next was about OJ Simpson and if he had been set up. That led to LL and Howard talking about OJ for a short time. Howard played another clip where the homeless guy asked him if he'd ever do a rap song with OJ. LL was still laughing and just gave goofy answers to all of the questions.
Howard gave LL another plug for his book and said it looks like he's got a nice physique in there. He was asking LL to take his shirt off but LL was laughing and saying he would if he had to. Howard said LL had to get out of there because he had some other shows to do this morning. He was doing Good Morning America and then Regis and Kathie Lee. Howard told him that Kathie Lee won't like the porn addiction thing and explained to LL that Kathie Lee's husband Frank Gifford claimed that he was addicted to porn. He told LL to bring that up on the show this morning. He wrapped up with him a short time later and played some more of the song from the Private Parts soundtrack as they went to break.
Howard took some guesses at who the guy was but every guess was a joke. Robin said it was actually Larry King in the clip. Howard then went into another audio clip where this guy is telling a woman how to make her breasts grow while she sleeps. The guy tells the women to think that they're bigger and they will get bigger. Howard said they have a guy doing it because women will pay attention to him over a woman.
Joey said that he wasn't upset about any of this stuff and this is ridiculous. Marky said that he's glad that the band broke up when it did because it was time. Joey said he heard that Marky was bad mouthing him in his shows these days but Marky denied doing that. He said Joey is just jealous of him because he has his own band.
Howard asked Marky what was said on the internet that Joey was talking about. Joey said that Marky had written some stuff about him on the internet and he likes sending that stuff out to everyone. Howard said he'd like to do a People's Court thing with them and have Judge Judy in there to handle the case.
Marky told Robin that she looks great now that she's on that diet she's on. He said he was on the same diet and it worked for him as well. Joey told Howard that this is all ridiculous and he can't believe they woke him up to do this. Howard asked him if he wanted to apologize to Marky over this stuff. Joey did say that Marky isn't a drunk. He said he had some drinking problems himself. Marky said that he helped Joey get sober but Joey denied that and said it wasn't true. The two of them went back and forth arguing and not getting anything out of it.
Joey asked if he could go back to bed. He said that Marky isn't a drunk and that was it. Then Joey said that Marky wears a wig so they started to fight again. Howard asked Marky if that was true. He said it wasn't true but Joey insisted that it was true. The two of them continued to argue about that for a short time. They said that they used to be good friends but Joey said that Marky turned out to be two faced and that's why they're not so friendly now.
Howard said he was shocked about the wig comment and wondered if it was true that people were making fun of Marky at the Lalapalooza concert like Joey was saying. Marky said that wasn't true and went back and forth with Joey on that. Marky said that Joey can't get any girls because they're repulsed by him. Joey said he had 3 girls in bed with him right then.
After arguing for a few minutes both Joey and Marky said that they should apologize to each other. Marky wanted to do it at the same time after counting it down. He did the countdown and both of them remained silent. They wouldn't apologize to each other. They tried again and Joey apologized to Marky about whatever it was they were arguing about. Joey said that Marky has put a lot of stuff on the internet about him but Howard told them that they had just apologized so maybe they should get over it. Joey was going to talk about it but Marky wanted him to forget about it. Howard told him not to forget about it and to talk about it with him. They weren't giving details though so Howard wrapped up with them a short time later. Howard gave Marky some plugs for his band and let him talk about that a little bit before letting them go. He thanked them for calling in and both of them told Howard they like Howard. Joey did Marky one better and said that he loves Howard. Howard told them both to go back to bed and let them go.
Howard said that was a great call with them fighting the way they were. He took a call from a woman who said that she felt it was necessary to call in and say that she would like to be killed in a snuff film. Howard asked her what's up with that. She said that she'd like the death to take a long time and hopes to be there during it. She said that she doesn't think that there's any other way to get that feeling. Howard asked her if she's polish and she said she actually is. He said he had a feeling she was after some of the things she said.
Howard spent a short time talking to this woman about the snuff film thing and figured she was making a joke about the whole ting. He eventually bailed out of the call and said that it couldn't possibly be real. He went to break after that.
Howard said he was riding an exercise bicycle the other day and when he does that, sometimes he can't feel his penis after the ride. It turns out they're doing a report about that on 60 Minutes this week. He also quickly mentioned that he had a clip of Steve and Edie Gourmet performing a cover of ''Black Hole Sun'' so he started to play that. He wanted to hear the original song first so he stopped that and played this ''Lurch'' song that was put out in the 60s when The Addams Family was a big hit. He played a little bit of that and then got back to the ''Black Hole Sun'' thing. Gary came in with the wrong song so Howard goofed on him and then went to the phones. Daniel Carver was there so Howard told him to hold on for a minute so he could prepare for his segment.
Howard got a hold of Soundgarden's ''Black Hole Sun'' song and played that for the people who didn't know the song. He said he wanted to fast forward to the rockin part because that's what he likes about the song. Howard sang along with it a little bit and then went to the Steve and Edie Gourmet version. He said it was a big goof. He listened to a little bit of it waiting for it to start rockin out but it never happened. Howard tried to fast forward through it but the CD started to stutter. He gave up on that and said he had too many other things to get to.
Howard took a call from a woman who had no idea that she was on the air. She said that she wanted to talk about the stuff he was saying about Princess Diana yesterday. She didn't think he had her on the air because she was listening to her radio and didn't hear herself. Howard goofed on her and kept saying ''douche bag says what?'' She didn't fall for it though. She wanted to talk to him off the air but Howard tried to tell her he doesn't do that. She insisted so Howard just put her on hold.
Howard had Daniel talk about the movies he was going to be reviewing today. One of them was ''A Time To Kill'' so Daniel talked about that one a little bit. He said it was an anti-white movie. He gave that movie a zero burning crosses rating. He said the scene in the movie where there were some white guys raping a black girl and that never happens in real life.
Daniel told Howard he gave his movie ''Private Parts'' a four burning crosses rating because he really enjoyed it. He also gave a zero burning crosses rating to the movie ''The Ghost of Mississippi'' as well. Howard asked him how he liked being a movie reviewer. Daniel said that he really likes talking to Howard and claims that Howard calls him off the air all the time and orders stuff from his catalog.
Howard said that Daniel must have been upset about the two cops who took the toilet plunger to the black guy's ass. Daniel said that the one thing he hates more than black people are the ''po-lice.'' He said they do that stuff every day. Howard asked him if the cops are even lower than the Jews. Daniel said that no cops or Jews had better show up at his house. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had the problem with the bike seat and now he has to go to the doctor every 6 months to have his prostate checked. Howard talked about some of the other things he does to work out and how they don't really help him at all. He always hurts himself when he does any kind of exercise.
Howard wondered when he was going to be doing his press conference. Gary told Howard to go to break and he'd have the Louisville press conference ready to go. Howard told him he wasn't ready to go to break so he told him to just let him know when he was ready to go.
Howard took a few phone calls and let some nutty callers ramble on and on. He had to hang up on a couple. One woman said that she had a black girlfriend and she just lost her. Howard asked her about what she looks like and found out that she's black herself. Howard asked her about what she looks like and spent a few minutes on that. Howard talked to her about what she wears when she sleeps with this other girl. The caller explained how she got to know this girl and how she got into the relationship with her.
the caller went through the details about how she came on to the other girl and eventually kissed her. She said they used to just sleep together and eventually fell in love with the other girl. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard went through some other interviewers and let them ask him their dopey questions. Howard asked the guys to kick one of the guys in the nuts for his dopey comments. He talked about why he goes on all of these stations around the country. One guy asked him if he likes going on the web to get his porn. Howard said it takes too long to download stuff when he could just be watching it on video.
Howard bailed out of that press conference a short time later. He said that he actually likes it better when the reporters are angry.
(Added some notes on 3/17/2010) Some listeners were offended by the fact that Howard was doing this so they called in and complained. It seems to be mostly women who are doing the complaining. Howard says that he's not doing anything different than Elton John is doing. He can't sing like Elton John but that never stopped him before.
Howard ended up getting into an argument with one woman and she was telling him he was disgusting for singing songs like that. Howard said that this woman is disgusting because no one can live with her. Howard asked her when she last helped anyone. She said she's in the medical field so she helps people all the time. Howard figured that she empties bed pans. Howard asked what she does but she wasn't answering. She said she just called in to tell him she didn't like what he was doing.
Howard figured the woman was miserable and she didn't have a husband anymore. He asked her how many years she was married. The caller asked why he has to ask about that. Howard said he wants people to know what men have to put up with. Howard said there is no man that could live with this woman. He said she makes him sick.
Howard asked the woman how many vibrators she owns. She said she has about 100. Howard said this woman is like a man the way she talks. Howard asked what she weighs. She said that he's making a joke about all of this. Howard asked her how big her penis is. The caller said she weighed 110 pounds but Howard figured it was 190. Howard said she only wishes she could have sex with him. He told her to go drive into a cement piling and hung up on her.
Howard said he had some more songs to sing. He had Fred playing music beds for him to sing along to. He had one after another that he quickly went through. They were all tributes to Princess Diana. Robin said she liked some of the songs. Howard said he lost confidence in some of them. Howard said he may just go with ''She Loves You.'' He sang that one again.
Howard took another call from an angry woman. She told Howard that the songs are disgusting. She said that he's ripping apart what happened and he should go pick on someone else. Howard said he wasn't picking on her, he was singing about what happened. The woman said that's not what you do when you do a tribute song. Howard told her she was a creep. Howard asked what it was that was so bad. Robin said they write about this in the paper every day and no one is complaining. Howard said he didn't make anything up or say she was a bad woman. He said he's just singing the facts. He figured that maybe the song was too up tempo. He said he might have to do a sad one instead.
Howard talked about doing one to the tune of ''Another One Bites The Dust.'' Howard didn't have that one prepared though. He told Fred to give him ''Goodbye Yellow Brick Road'' again. Howard sang his version of that song again.
Howard took another call from an angry woman who didn't like the songs. She said she has never listened to the show before and she's hearing these songs and can't believe what she's hearing. She told Howard it's an all time low. She said she's giving the media an even worse name than they had. The caller said that the news media is in big enough trouble and he's screwing it up for them even more. Howard told the woman he's trying to write a nice song. He told her to get the crap out of her ears and listen to what he's doing. He told her she was a filthy, slimy, whore. She told Howard that it's defamation of character and he can't do that. Howard said no one knows who she is. He told her to go get a lawyer. She said she is a lawyer. Howard asked her where she went to school. She said that was none of his business. Howard told her that she's a skunk and he hopes her kids listen so they know what a skunk she really is. She ended up hanging up on him. Howard said that's a human skunk right there. He said she only wishes she could come up with a song like he has.
Howard sang his ''Candle in the Wind'' tribute song again. He played Elton John's version of the song and said he wasn't even able to understand what he was singing.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she's sick of these bitches calling the station and complaining. She said they should just change the station. She told Howard he's great. Another woman said that she's tired of the other women complaining too. Howard said he might need a break after all of that.