Mark's Friggin' Stern Show News

Howard Stern Show News Archives. May 1996

Stern Show Vacation. 5-31-96. Best of Stern today.
Stern Show Vacation. 5-30-96. Best of Stern today.
Stern Show Vacation. 5-29-96. Best of Stern today.
Stern Show Vacation. 5-28-96. Best of Stern today.
Stern Show Vacation. 5-27-96. Best of Stern today.
Stern Show Vacation. 5-24-96. Best of Stern today.
Show Vacation next week UPDATE! 5-23-96. The Howard Stern Show crew will be on vacation starting tomorrow, May 24th. They will return on Monday, June 3rd.
The Name Game. 5-23-96. Early this morning a caller asked Howard what his middle name was. Of course this led to finding out everyone's middle name. Howard's middle name is Allan. Jackie is Cogar or something like that and Gary's is Patrick. Now comes the really weird story. Howard asked Fred what his middle name was. He told Howard that it's Fred. ''...so it's Fred Fred?'' Howard said to Fred. Nope not quite. Fred explained that his middle name used to be Leo up until about 2 years ago when he legally changed his name to Eric Fred Norris. Howard questioned him as to why he didn't just change the middle name. He said that he has never really liked the name Fred and he liked the way Eric looked on a credit card(he was kidding). Howard wanted to know if Fred wanted to be called Eric from now on. Fred doesn't think that will happen so for now it's still Fred. But for the rest of the morning Howard tried to call him Eric. I figured that it was just a Martian tradition to change names every 40 years or so. So I faxed a little letter in and Robin read it on the air along with a bunch of others. It went something like this: Howard, What Eric (Fred) isn't telling you about his name change is that it's a Martian tradition! Every 40 years or so Martians are supposed to rotate names....
Robin: No sex in over a year! 5-23-96. That's what Robin admitted to today. She's not one to date much. When Howard questioned her about it, she said that it's been well over a year since getting laid. She does admit to doing herself though so she must not be too horny.
Another great Lesbian story. 5-22-96. An 18 year old girl called in to tell about her recent first lesbian experience. She and her friend went down to Bermuda on school vacation with her mother. They stayed in a different wing of the hotel so they weren't near the mother. But anyway, they went to a bar one night to drink a bit. A bunch of black guys came over to them and to make a long story short, they asked the two of them kiss. So they did. Later when they went to their room, they were talking about the kiss down in the bar. The friend said that it was kind of nice so they started in to it once again but this time they went a little farther...well a lot farther. I can't tell this story nearly as well as this girl did. To make things even better the girl said that she's been told that she looks like Claudia Schiffer!
Bob Dole comes in!? 5-22-96. All morning Howard was saying that Bob Dole was coming in to the studio for a visit. Then he announced that Bob was there. I was curious because I know that Bob Dole would never actually appear on the show. So when 'Bob' walked in and started to talk, I knew just who it was... Norm MacDonald from Saturday Night Live. There's no mistaking that voice. So 'Bob' came in and did some funny material about being on the show and stuff like that. 'Bob' even came in full makeup. Eventually Howard revealed who it really was. Then Howard interviewed Norm for a while and his voice still sounded the same as his Bob Dole voice. Norm talked about his sex drive or lack there of and explained the rumors about him and Elle McPherson going out. He and Elle never got together and Norm admitted that he doesn't get a boner when he sees Elle. He said that he used to get aroused much more when he was younger. He's now 33 and has about as much sex drive as an 80 year old. Norm also told a story about him being gay-bashed in Greenwich Village recently. He's not gay but some a-holes decided to go out with paint guns to shoot some homos. Norm was walking with a male friend(bad idea in that area) when he was assaulted by some idiots. Norm was just full of funny stuff today. He told a story about fellow cast member, David Spade. David was at some party or something with Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson Lee. David asked Tommy if he was going to get up on stage and jam. When Tommy said that he would, David said that he was going to get up there also because he's been know to ''play the skin flute once in a while''. Well what David didn't know was the real meaning of 'playing the skin flute' He thought it meant masturbating when it really means oral sex. Everyone at the party just looked at David like he was a homo.
The Presidents of The United States of America. 5-22-96. That's the name of a band that's way too long! Well they came in today to play their hit song 'Lump'. They did a short interview with Howard and played their song. After that they did a song parody about Robin's colonics called 'Clump'. If it was produced in a studio it would probably be one of the funniest song parodies ever! There wasn't much else about these guys that was interesting although they did stay at K-Rock to do an air shift for a couple of hours. They played some Devo and some other bizarre stuff during their shift.
Pastor Greg Nettle's sermon. 5-21-96. Last week Howard found out that this guy was going to do a sermon about 'what jesus would say to Howard Stern'. He talked to him on Friday. Today he played a little bit of the tape from the sermon. Howard was pretty nice to the guy on Friday but today he wasn't so nice. The pastor's sermon was just a friggin publicity stunt. He just rambled on about a bunch of crap that made no sense. He babbled on for about 20 minutes according to Stormin' Frehley from Ohio.
Fugees chick calls in. 5-21-96. A member of the musical group, Fugees, called in to straighten out a false rumor that a listener called in yesterday. Lauren wanted to voice her side of the story. Some guy yesterday said that Lauren said she didn't want white people to buy the Fugees album. The rumor was a little twisted. She actually said that it would be okay if only black people bought their album. She didn't say that she didn't want white people to buy it. Not much of a story but what the heck.
Caller of the week. 5-21-96. Once again here's the list of contenders for Caller Of The Week.
1. Guy who slept with fiance's mother phone call.
2. Alcoholic guy that works for a rehab center.
3. Guy who yelled at Robin for not researching the name of some dude in a story she did.
4. Smokin' Joe Frazier toe cutting incident phone call.
And the winner is.... Smokin' Joe Frazier with his toe cutting story.
Rabbi Gottfried comes in for the news. 5-21-96. Gilbert Gottfried was in for the news again today. Gilbert was doing his Rabbi Gottfried bit once again. He was singing Jewish prayers for some callers that needed some help. He was his usual self during the news also. He talked over Robin for most of the news which doesn't bother me in the least. Good work Gilbert!
Marion Barry, good Mayor? 5-20-96. This guy down in Washington D.C. goes out on his own to ask black people questions once in a while. Today's tape had this guy asking blacks if they voted for Mayor Barry and if they would vote for him again. Most of the guys that were interviewed said that they had voted for Mayor Barry, the crack king, and they would vote for him again! One black guy said that he wouldn't vote for the guy any more and that a public figure like Mayor shouldn't be doing drugs. One question that was asked was ''would OJ Simpson make a good Mayor?'' One guy just answered ''Uh WOW...that's a tough one...'' Everyone laughed at this guy's delivery. He sounded like he was on crack or something. So basically, almost all of the black people that were questioned would vote for Barry once again even if he does smoke a little crack.
Gary gets yelled at once again! 5-20-96. Sometimes Howard carries little things a little too far. Sure it makes good radio but today he was a little rough. Gary was leaving the studio this morning when he tripped over some headphone wires. It knocked a cup of coffee on to Jackie and made a mess. The headphone wires have been an ongoing problem in the studio and Howard has asked for a fix in the past. So Gary was going to go talk to General Manager Tom Chiusano about it. Howard never wants anything to do with talking about little problems with Tom so he told Gary not to involve him in the conversation, just go take care of it. So Gary went to talk to Tom. He told Tom about what had happened but he just had to show him the spilled coffee. So he brought Tom in to the studio during commercial. A little while later Howard started to yell at Gary for bringing him in to the conversation. Gary said that he didn't, Howard just brought himself in to the mess. Howard said that he can't just ignore Tom if he's in the room so he talked to Tom. Gary argued a bit with Howard and Howard yelled at Gary for about 20 minutes. Sure Howard had a point but he was really rough with Gary...it was kind of funny.
-- Friday, May 17, 1996 (Replayed on Master Tape Theatre on November 21, 2012 and March 31, 2013) --
- Michael Hebranko, REALLY fat guy. 5-17-96. This guy here in New York who weighs somewhere around 1000 pounds, had to be brought to the hospital today because he's getting very sick. Howard knows this guy from his WWOR TV show. This guy was on with Richard Simmons about 5 or 6 years ago. Howard had dangled food from a fishing rod in front of these fat people to see if they could resist. Michael was one of them. I guess he couldn't resist eating anything. So anyway, a listener with a cellular phone went over to the guys house to watch the ambulance guys try to get the guy out of his house. He was so big that they had to disassemble his house to get him out. The listener with the phone just walked right in to Michael's house. He couldn't get close enough to give the phone to Michael so he gave it to an EMS guy. This went on for a while but the phone never made it to Michaels ear. The EMS guy said that Michael couldn't even get off his love seat to go to the bathroom so he just went on it...uccchhh. The EMS guy also said that Michael was in quite a bit of pain and his lungs were filled with fluid. Let's all hope that he makes it...and loses about 800 pounds.
- Micro Matt, the tiny penis guy. 5-17-96. Recently this guy called in to ask Howard for some advice. He wanted to know if he should get an operation done to enlarge his weenie because he's so tiny. Howard told him to come in and show him his weenie to see just how small it is. Today he came in, tiny schween and all. Howard told the guy that he probably shouldn't get the operation even if he is really tiny. After interviewing the guy for a little while, Howard told the guy to show him how small it was. So Howard, Jackie, Fred and Gary all took a look at the poor guys wiener. Howard said that it wasn't any smaller than his. Everyone else just kind of chuckled. Then he made the mistake of actually showing it to Robin! Robin just laughed at it. She said that she hadn't seen one that small ''on a grown-up'' in her lifetime. That probably made the guys pecker just shrink even more. After that they wanted to see how large it got when the guy was aroused. So they sent him off to see if he could get it up a little bit. I guess that he couldn't get it up much because Gary came in and said that he was going to give him a lesbian movie that would almost guarantee an erection. A while later he came in fully aroused. Howard told him that he was pretty large in that state. Even Robin said ''he's fine''. So he probably won't be getting the operation.
- Pastor, Greg Nettle from Ohio. 5-17-96. This guy is going to be doing a sermon about 'What Jesus would say to Howard Stern' this weekend. Howard talked to the guy on the phone today to find out what he would be saying about him in the sermon. The guy said that he'd send a transcript and a tape of his sermon so that Howard could hear it for himself. He's basically going to talk about how Jesus would use Howard to talk to all of his listeners.
- Smokin' Joe Frazier and his chopped off toe! 5-17-96. Howard heard about how Joe Frazier cut off a toe while mowing his lawn. Some guy called in the story this morning. Howard wanted to hear from Joe himself so he got him on the phone late this morning. Joe was in good spirits considering he just lost his left big toe to a lawn mower! Joe mows his own lawn with a push mower to keep in shape. He was walking backwards when he tripped and fell backwards. That's when the mower took off part of his left big toe. Joe put some alcohol on the toe, wrapped it in a towel and drove himself to the hospital! They couldn't find the rest of the toe after the mower took it so he now has a stump. Joe said the he doesn't need it anyway. Howard asked him if he cried when it happened. Not Joe! He's a real man.
Disloyalty to the show...? 5-16-96. That's what Howard teased us with this morning. Twice before going to commercial, Howard said that someone on the show was being disloyal to the show. When he finally told the story, it turned out to be Steve Grillo. Howard started yelling at Grillo because he was going to fly out to California to do an audition for a tv show. Howard freaked out because he had gotten Steve a job on his movie set. After he got Steve all worked up about it, Howard told him that it was an elaborate scam that Stuttering John played on him. Last week some time John had some woman call Steve and tell him that they saw him acting on the E! show and that they'd like him to audition in the city before going to California. Steve agreed to it. Stuttering John had arranged to have a studio and people acting like actors at the place where Steve was to go. He had people set up answering machines to fool Steve in to thinking that it was legitimate. So Steve went down and did his audition. Howard was about half way through the tape when he decided to call it quits. Howard said that the premise was a good one but it just didn't come out very funny. Howard spent a good hour yelling at John for not consulting with Fred and Jackie before doing the scam. He did tell John that he admired him for taking the initiative to go ahead and do something like this.
Fred the Elephant boy and his new girlfriend!? 5-16-96. Fred called in back on 5-3-96 to tell everyone that he had a new girlfriend. Today Fred came in to the studio with his new girlfriend. Fred and Lori(philly babe on Prodigy chat), came in to tell their love story. Fred said that Lori came up to hang out with him because her husband was away on business. Well according to Fred, they slept together and Fred banged her 2 or 3 times! During the interview, Gary came in and asked Fred if this was a scam because people from Prodigy were calling in saying that it's been planned for months now. Fred said that it wasn't and everyone must have believed him. A little while later, Lori's husband called in and yelled at is wife and Fred. This went on for a while until Fred finally admitted that it was a scam. What the hell is this crap? Is Thursday 'Scam Day'? Howard told Fred that he isn't coming in ever again...I think he's kidding. Good scam Fred but who the hell would believe that ANY woman would leave her husband for FRED The FRIGGIN ELEPHANT BOY?
Howard going to FM in Chicago? 5-15-96. Contributed by ace1014@aol.com:
In 5/13 newspaper, it was reported that Infinity was about to finalize a deal for an FM station in Chicago on which Howard's show will air. Now he will be able to really crush that piece of shit ManQueer and fist his daddy's corpse!!! It also said that this station might also air Steve Dahl, who used to be real big here.....
Howard does another phony phone call. 5-15-96. Some guy that was sending letters to Howard asking him to get him in to porno movies got a phony phone call from Howard recently. The guy came down to the studio even though he was told not to. Howard called the guy as a porno movie producer and asked him to do a bunch of really wacky stuff and the guy agreed to do things like have cement poured in to his butt and let it harden. The guy went along with the whole thing and Howard eventually let him in on the joke.
The Spin Doctors in for a visit. 5-15-96. The Spin Doctors came in with a new band member. The new member is Aaron Neville's son. Of course Howard had to ask the guy about the big mole on his fathers face. They talked about that for a while and a little while later, after a commercial, the lead singer told a story about John Popper from Blues Traveler. Chris, lead singer from Spin Doctors, used to go to high school with John Popper. He said that John was in a student election once and instead of making a speech when he got up to the podium, he pulled the microphone out of the little stand, pulled out a harmonica and started to rock. Chris said that the whole place was up and dancing. Howard thought that John must have won the election...Wrong! John was suspended for his outburst! What a crime, playing a harmonica... Anyway, the Spin Doctors played a little tune that was over modulated a bit. But that was Scott the Engineer's fault...
Smelly James' last day! 5-15-96. Ohhhh what a damn shame. We won't get to hear his horrible comedy routine's any more... Howard played a little more of James' nightmare appearance at Club Expo. He still sucks. Anyone out there gonna miss him?
Children goof on Scott the Engineer!? 5-15-96. A listener called in today to tell a story about Scott the Engineer. Apparently Scott's kid is in little league. The guy on the phone said that the kids on the team make fun of Scott just like Howard does. They make that 'chhh' sound to his face when he comes to the games or whatever. Listeners were calling in all morning telling more stories about Scott and his adventures. Scott was mobbed by some 6 and 7 year olds at a pool once and he was let go from that gig for some odd reason. Guys were calling in saying that Scott owed them money and all kinds of weird stuff like that.
The following is an enhanced version of the above story that was written on April 5, 2007 during a Howard Stern's Mammary Lane segment... After the break we heard a segment from May 15, 1996 where Scott the Engineer talked about being attacked by some 6 and 7 year olds. In the segment we hear Howard take a phone call from a guy who said that Scott was doing one of his DJ gigs where they had a parade with a bunch of young kids. The kids were all goofing on him making that ''chh'' sound to him. Scott came in and said that there was really only one kid making fun of him, not a group.
Steve Grillo came in and told Howard that the last time he did a gig with Scott he saw him do a quick change behind his DJ booth. Scott said that there was no one there so that's where he did it. Howard let the caller, Ray, go a short time later. He took another call from a guy, Bud, who said he was the guy who trained Scott. He said he had a story about Scott. Howard interrupted him and said that Scott is just a sad sack and he's like a comic book character with that name. He said he's the Sad Sack of the radio station and he's always getting yelled at by his wife and stuff like that. He reminded everyone that Scott had come to them years ago about not being able to make money so they helped him get his DJ business started years ago. Scott got that started up with a couple thousand dollars. He actually included them as owners in the business so he would give them money after he did his gigs.
Howard said that Scott's business started doing well but he ended up owing everyone money. They all took a vote and decided that he didn't have to pay them anything. Gary said that he took his cut though because he was broke back then. He said they all took their money back. Gary said Scott never makes any money because he has to spend so much money on CDs and stuff like that. Howard said Scott is now a Disco DJ but he's the last person you'd want at your party. Gary said that Scott is always complaining about something when they go out and do things.
Howard pointed out that Scott is the guy who can't wait to start smoking when they fly somewhere. Gary also said that he's the guy who got paid to do a gig and ended up leaving the money on the roof of his car and had it blow away. Stuttering John said that Scott used to have to drive an hour to drop off the tapes when they'd do shows out in L.A. while everyone else would be done with work.
Gary said that when Scott started there he was in a hole money-wise and his wife was pregnant and they had two car payments to make and he had been out of work for a while. The guy has the worst luck. Howard goofed on Scott about the job he picked to do and how he can't make any money doing it. Stuttering John said that he wanted to pay Scott to do some engineering on some songs for him but $20 an hour wasn't enough for him so he couldn't do it.
Howard asked this guy on the phone, Bud, what had gone on with him. Bud said he was at this pool one time at a place called Windsor Park. Scott was playing music for the pool club and Scott ended up cursing at the kids. Scott said that Bud wasn't there. Bud said he heard this from someone and heard that Scott was cursing on the microphone and the kids could hear him using the F-word. Scott heard that Bud had ripped off some company he worked for but Bud denied that. Bud also claimed that he had done a favor for Scott about a year ago when he subbed him out for liability insurance. He was supposed to get $50 from Scott but he never got the money. Scott claimed he didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard asked Scott if he really lost his gig at the Windsor Park pool. Scott said he did but he didn't curse out the kids. They kept digging to find out why Scott had lost the gig. Scott said that there was an incident where the kids attacked him and that's when he lost the gig. He was giving away prizes at the pool and about 50 kids literally jumped him. He said they were about 6, 7 and 8 year olds who jumped him. He said when you're standing there with a box of toys, they jump you. He said they didn't hit him or anything but he did say ''one at a time'' but they ignored him. He said he didn't yell or curse but he did get on mic and tell people that he couldn't work like that.
Howard asked Scott to record all of his gigs so they can hear him doing that stuff. Howard said the kids must see him doing that stuff and just want to jump him for the hell of it. Robin was laughing and goofing on Scott about the kids being out of control thing. She was picturing him telling people he couldn't work like that as the kids were attacking him.
Howard took a call from this woman who said that she knows that Scott owes that guy Bud some money. Howard said he didn't really want to hear about that and said he was going to let the callers go. Bud thanked Howard for letting him vent like that as he was getting off the phone.
Another caller said that Scott owes him $34 because they loaned him the money one day when he was there. Scott said he will go and pay them the money today. Robin said she still couldn't get over the story about him getting attacked by the 6 year olds. Howard asked Scott to sing a little ''Hands Up'' for them. He wasn't going to do it though.
Howard asked Scott what kind of bathing suit he wears when he does those pool parties. Scott said he just wears shorts and a hat. The guys were still goofing on him about the kids attacking him. Howard said it must be like Scottmania when the kids are all going after him. Howard said it must be like the Pied Smoker when the kids are following him around. He had to wrap it up after that.
Siskel and Ebert on the phone. 5-15-96. These two called in to plug their tv special that'll be on CBS this evening at 8:00. Every time that these two are on the show they insult each other like mortal enemies. Today was no exception. They bashed each other, in a brotherly kind of way, about each other's faults. Of course Ebert, the big one, says that he's on a diet but he's been saying that for the past 10 years or so. He never seems to lose weight. Howard also discussed his movie with Gene Siskel and told him that it will be great and Gene will hate the fact that he has to give it a 'thumbs up' when it comes out.
Another Vietnam Vet talking about 'gooks'. 5-14-96. This guy, Chuck, called in today to talk about the days when he was blowing up Vietnamese from his helicopter. Howard and he talked about how they killed the 'gooks' in 'Nam. Chuck had a deep southern accent which made the whole thing even funnier than it should have been. Chuck told stories of shooting missiles in to the 'gooks' and watching their heads get blown off. I know this stuff isn't supposed to be funny but hearing it from this guy Chuck just made it pretty amusing. Chuck says that he wrote a book about his adventures in Vietnam. The book is entitled ''Firebirds''. I don't know where to find it but it might be worth looking for.
Scott the Engineer day. 5-14-96. Today was Scott's day for air time. Some woman wrote a letter to Howard telling him that Scott has an uncanny resemblance to Uncle Fester from the Addams Family TV show. Howard had Scott come in to the studio to put a light bulb in his mouth to see if he really did resemble Uncle Fester. Then they put a black bath robe on him and I guess he really did look like the great bald one. Then Howard started questioning Scott about his DJ business. The goofed on him about that crap for about a half an hour. This should make another great E! show.
Smelly James...un-funnier than ever. 5-14-96. This time Smelly is out in public trying to make jokes. James appeared at a club in NYC called Expo. Apparently it's a dance club but they let comedians do an open mike night. So Smelly James took advantage of that and boy was that a mistake on the club owners part. Howard had the tape and played it for us this morning. It started out like this... James got up on stage and did the usual, 'how are you tonight' and 'are you having fun tonight', opening lines. A bunch of audience members immediately started heckling him. Smelly told a couple of jokes that could have been funny if he had a decent delivery. But he doesn't so they just sucked. The whole time he was up on stage the audience was yelling and screaming at him. Telling him to get off stage and to just plain shut up. While Howard was playing the tape, James was laughing at his own jokes. Howard, Jackie and Robin were also laughing but not at James' jokes. They were laughing at how he was bombing and how the audience was heckling him. A little while later, the guy that booked James for that mess called in and told Howard that it was an improvement from his nightmare joke telling on the radio...hardly. This guy had better re-think his comedy career.
Caller of the week again. 5-14-96. This weeks contestants were:
1. Ozzy Osbourne calls in to play a joke on Stuttering John.
2. James Brown unintelligible mumblings.
3. Joey Buttafuoco vs Elliot Fisher.
4. Mental guy from Florida.
The winner was the great fight between Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fishers father, Elliot.
Woman comes in to get naked! 5-13-96. Some 20 year old model came in to plug something for Steve Rossi this morning. Since Steve can't get on the show himself I guess he sends down women to get naked for Howard. Howard did the usual with this woman this morning. He found out her breast size, C, her height, 5'1'', her weight, 114, and her childhood nightmares... She lost her virginity at 12 to a 17 year old, she hated her mother, no dad and she left home at 14. Once all of that information was floating around everyone's head, it was time for her to take her clothes off. Instead of doing it herself, she had Howard do it. She wasn't wearing any panties according to Howard, and her body was amazing. So she finally got to do the plug. It was for some fashion show in Las Vegas... for women only.
Caller of the (last)week. 5-13-96. This is actually last weeks caller of the week but they didn't play it until today... Contestants were:
1. Mumbling agoraphobic woman from Florida.
2. Tommy Lee yelling about fat Mexican women.
3. Woman yelling about Kikes.
And the winner was Tommy Lee yelling about fat Mexican women when he and Pamela Anderson Lee called in. Tommy wasn't on the phone to accept the award. Oh well.
Kid in a coma update. 5-10-96. Back in March some guy called in about his son being in a coma. The 15 year old boy was in a coma after a car accident. The kid was a really big fan of Howard so the guy put a radio in the kids room so that he could hear Howard talk to him over the radio. Well that kid called in this morning. Howard was taking calls as usual when he picked up this line. The person on the other end was kind of out of it. Howard was yelling at the person because he was so stupid. But then the kid started to tell Howard that he could hear him on the radio even though he was in a coma. Robin figured out that it was the kid from Texas. Then Howard started to talk to him a bit. The kid said that he could see and hear things even though he was in a coma. He said that he just couldn't move. Howard asked him about his accident and how he could have a driver's license at 15. The kid said that he his a concrete wall doing about 90 MPH! So no one else was hurt in the accident. So now he's out of a coma but he didn't say if he was up and walking. We almost lost one our Stern fans. Glad he's still with us..
Ex-Imus intern bashes ol' droopy face. 5-10-96. David, an ex-intern for Imus, came in to bad mouth the old woman this morning. He told war stories about being berated by cranky Imus from day one at the station. Imus would yell at this guy for things like the taste of his coffee and crap like that. Howard offered him an internship if Gary approves it. If I were Howard I'd worry about this guy bad mouthing him on some other station some day.
DICE vs Jackie...round 2. 5-10-96. Andrew 'Dice' Clay was on the satellite to plug his upcoming HBO special that's on tomorrow night at 10:00. The interview started of pretty calm. But then Howard got Jackie and Dice back in to their fighting mode. Dice offered Jackie a few minutes to bash him but Jackie didn't really have anything to say to him. Dice started yelling at Jackie and Jackie was just barely returning fire. When Jackie did say something it was just about Dice's weight or his hair. Once in a while he'd throw in a Jew insult since Dice is Jewish. Dice bashed Jackie about making CD's in his basement, appearing at tiny little 'coffee shops'(comedy shows), and every other little thing that Jackie does. Jackie said to Dice ''you know what we call you here?.. we call you Lice because we can't get rid of you''. Dice just brushed that one off. Jackie asked Dice if he could blow water through his back, Dice returned with ''no your wife can do that better''. It was great! Dice was also calling Jackie 'half a fag' quite a bit. In the middle of this whole thing Dice and Jackie were just about to make up but that didn't last for long. Dice had offered Jackie to open up for him at a couple of shows and Jackie had agreed to do at least one of them but they started fighting again after the offer was made. I don't know if the offer still stands.
Tony the Vietnam vet. 5-10-96. Howard had this guy in this morning that claimed to be a Vietnam vet. Howard and he talked about the good ol' day's in 'Nam. Tony says that he killed 130 'gooks' while over there. Howard always tells his 'Nam stories but the funny thing is...he never went to 'Nam! He's been goofing around with that story for a couple of years now. Some of the things that Tony was saying were kind of suspicious to a lot of Howard fans out there and they faxed in and called in to let him know. Tony even says that he has part of a bullet left in his arm from a 'gook'. I guess that he has a scar on his arm to show for that. So after the interview Robin read some of the faxes that people sent in and she thinks that Tony was full of crap. So maybe he was! Who cares? It was pretty funny whether or not he was actually in 'Nam.
Jokeland has moved! 5-9-96. Jackie the Jokeman's web site has moved to a new home. Some of you may have noticed that the link to his page on my 'cool links' page no longer worked. I got in touch with Jackie and found out that he recently moved the site but hadn't announced it because it's still under construction. A lot of it is there 'so use your finger' and head on over to Jokeland!
''Great phony phone call!'' said Gary... 5-9-96. Early this morning Gary told Howard that Captain Janks had a ''Great Call'' to play. Howard plunked down the phone and listened to Janks' call. It was a call to some show full of lawyers. Janks pretended to be one of the lawyers that was running late getting to the show. He had a few words with some woman and then asked her if she's have hot monkey love with Howard Stern. The next thing you hear is the woman talking to the other people on the show. Janks said that they hit a 7 second delay on the tv show after his comment. Howard thanked Janks and kind of blew him off. Janks started to play one of his old calls and Howard just hung up on him. Then he told Gary that he wouldn't have even let that call get through. Some screener... 99 percent of the time Janks' calls are great. This was the one that just didn't quite make it. Howard goofed on Gary about his screening ability for a while and then took another caller with a phony phone call. Gary told Howard that he probably shouldn't let the guy play it since he'd screened this one also. But this time it was funny! Go figure...
James Brown calls in. 5-9-96. That's pretty much the whole story. Today was kind of slow since Howard re-played the Buttafuoco vs. Fisher stuff from yesterday's show. James Brown called in to plug something that he's doing. His voice was really weird and I hardly understood a word he said. Howard talked to James about his recently deceased wife and stuff like that. The call only lasted about 5 minutes.
Woman describes her first lesbian experience. 5-8-96. This 19 year old woman called in this morning to tell her amazing lesbian experience. Howard grilled her for about 10 minutes on what she looks like. Here's the basics... 5'5'' tall, 130 pounds, not fat just tight, c cup breasts and she doesn't know if she looks like a celebrity. So she tells this story about how she was sleeping at her brother's house while he was out somewhere. Her sister in law was in another room when she decided to come out topless. She proceeded to kiss this girl and rub her leg. She eventually made her way down to the 'nasty place' and just as this girl was coming close to being totally satisfied, her brother walked in! She said that he stood there for a few seconds, turned around and walked right back out that door. The two women finished up after he left and supposedly didn't say much of anything to each other. So then Howard get's the girl's brother on the phone and asks him how he feels about all of this. He was pretty pissed at it but his sister is still at the house and his, soon to be ex-wife, is out. He said that he will be getting a divorce over this mess. Howard has arranged for all three of them to come in to the studio to maybe work things out. We'll see.
Bill, the winner of Robin's theme song contest, comes in. 5-8-96. Yesterday this guy won a Kawasaki Jet Ski in the Robin's Theme Song Contest. Today he came in to meet the gang and sing his winning song live. Little did anyone know, this guy is in a wheelchair! In a wheelchair and the winner of a damn Jet Ski! So Howard talked to the guy for a while and then a guy called in and offered $1000 for the Jet Ski. Ralph offered $1200 for it. Jackie, the cheap guy that he is, offered $300! Bill wouldn't settle for that, he said that someone told him that it was worth $4000-$5000. So a couple more callers called in and started bidding on the Jet Ski. Then, big spender, Dominic Barbara called in and offered $3500 for it. Howard talked Dominic up to $3800...Sold! So Bill is $3800 richer and who knows what that fat bastard Dominic is going to do with a damn Jet Ski!? Bill sang his song live and did a pretty good job at it. He told Howard that his real name is like Oiler Bill Soto...or something like that.
Joey Buttafuoco comes in. 5-8-96. It was the usual interview with Joey today...Joey said that he was innocent of most charges that have been brought against him in his bizarre life and no one believed him. Joey claimed that he was paid by FOX television to lie about being guilty one time. Sure Joey. Everything was going well when Joey said that Amy Fisher's father once told him that he slept with his daughter. That was the match lighting the fuse... After the interview, and a commercial break, Amy Fisher's father, Elliott, called in to talk to Howard about the comment that Joey made. Joey was in the green room getting ready to leave. Howard had him come back in to talk this mess over. The whole thing erupted in to a major argument and yelling match. Both of them were accusing each other of all kinds of crap. The fight must have gone on for a good half hour to 45 minutes! Joey's wife, Maryjo, also called in to defend Joey. I'm sure that the story will make it to the news tonight. There were news crews gathering outside of the station by the time Howard was ready to leave today!
Seth, the pee drinker.... 5-8-96. This dude from Hartford called in to welcome Howard to the city. Seth has been on the show before so Howard knows who he is. He's a urine drinker! He drinks his pee for 'health reasons'. I remember this guy and just thinking about him drinking piss makes me want to puke... I can't even finish this story!
Robin's Theme song contest winner announced. 5-7-96. After wading through a bunch of really funny contest entries, Howard and the crew came up with a winner. The eventual winner was this guy named Bill who sounds like a drunken mexican telling a story. He told a story as Robin's father. The other entries included a guy just yelling 'bitch bitch bitch' through the whole theme and a guy laughing as Robin over the theme song. Most of the finalists were pretty good and this guy deserved the win for it's nuttiness.
Ozzy Osbourne goofs on Stuttering John. 5-7-96. Ozzy called in this morning to plug an upcoming concert date in June. While he was talking to Howard he mentioned that he had heard Stuttering John's album recently. He said that he wants John to open up for him in June. Then Stuttering John came in to the studio and listened to Ozzy. Ozzy starts telling Howard the names of the songs that he really liked. He mentioned 'Interstate Love Song' and a couple of other Stone Temple Pilots songs. John just listened as Ozzy told Howard the songs that weren't John's. Howard told Ozzy that they weren't Stuttering John songs and Ozzy kind of gave up on the joke. What he was supposed to do was tell John that he made a mistake and he didn't really want him to open for him but he chickened out. John said that he went from a real high to the lowest low in a matter of a few seconds. Ozzy really does want John to open up for him so John won't be killing himself tonight. After Ozzy was off the phone, Howard let everyone in on what was supposed to happen. Howard said that they sent Ozzy a script a short while ago and that his wife had to coach him for like a week before they did it. Ozzy was supposed to say that he made a mistake and that maybe John could tune his guitar or something. So John fell for it. He said that his heart sank when Ozzy mentioned the Stone Temple Pilots songs.
Richard Belzer in for the news. 5-7-96. Belzer came in to do the usual... He hung around for the news for a while and had some fun with Howie. Howard and Belzer talked about his appearance on the Charles Grodin show where Grodin tried to get Belzer to bad mouth Howard. Belzer wouldn't say anything bad about Howard because he knows better. Howard also got a new story out of Belzer. Belzer's father killed himself back in 1968! Belzer had never told this story. He said that he still didn't want to talk about it but Howard eventually got it out of him. Howard even correctly guessed how he did it! He did the good ol' carbon monoxide thing. Start the car up and close the garage...well on that note, I'll end this little story.
Howard starts in Hartford. 5-6-96. After about 17 years, Howard returns to the station that started him in morning drive. WCCC 106.9 FM and WCCC AM will be broadcasting The King Of All Media in to Connecticut. Ironically, Howard also starts to film the Hartford part of his movie today. The man that wouldn't give Howard a $25 a week raise back in the early '80's is still running the station. Howard talked to Sy and busted his balls a little bit about not giving him that raise back then. Howard did a press conference for the station after a bunch of technical difficulties. He had to do the press conference over the phone instead of satellite. The few guys that were there didn't have anything to ask Howard so he cut them off and hung up.
Stacy Sanches, Playmate of the year. 5-6-96. 22 year old Playboy's Playmate of the year, Stacy Sanches, came in for a visit this morning. Stacy talked to Howie for a while about the usual things like when she lost her virginity and stuff like that. Just in case you were curious, she lost her virginity at 15 to a 21 year old. Howard wanted to test her intelligence so he played a short game of Jeopardy. The contestants were Stacy, Smelly James the intern and Stuttering John's 11 year old niece, Lisa. Well it was a predictable outcome. Stacy isn't as smart as Smelly James and Smelly James isn't as smart as an 11 year old. Questions like 'What do you call an airplane without propellers?' and 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln' stumped Stacy. It doesn't really matter since her beauty will get her through life. At the end of the interview, Howard had Smelly James try to tell Stacy some jokes. He, of course, told a really lame joke and failed to impress Stacy. Even the 11 year old wasn't impressed. James' joke was 'Why is it when a guy comes home and he finds his wife in bed with another man, they both die but when a guy comes home to his wife and another woman, it's miller time?' No one laughed. There were crickets in the background. Howard asked 11 year old Lisa if she knew any good jokes. Lisa told this one 'Did you hear about the guy who invented the Hokey Pokey?...he died...they had trouble burying him because he had to put his left foot in and his left foot out and put his right foot in and his right foot out...'. Howard and Robin gave a laugh to that one and said that 'at least it was a joke' unlike James' lame attempt. Stacy will be signing her Playboy video tomorrow at the Virgin MegaStore in NYC.
Bobby, the 7 year old Howard in Private Parts. 5-6-96. Howard talked to the 7 year old kid that will be playing young Howard in Private Parts, the movie. Howard says that this kid is really cute. The kid sure sounded like he was pretty intelligent. He even yelled at his mother to turn down the radio when Howard told him that it was too loud.
Kathie Lee song parody. 5-6-96. Don't think you missed anything with this song parody. It was still in the process of being polished up. It's a song based on the Carnival Cruise line theme song, Ain't We Got Fun. It's called 'We don't see sun'. It's a bunch of (real)kids singing about being stuck in a Honduran sweat shop while Kathie Lee is out getting some sun. Here's a little piece of it.
Howard's first day of filming, how it went. 5-3-96. Well, yesterday was the first day of filming for Private Parts and they got about a 1/10 th of a page filmed. Howard said that they had him do a scene about 500 times and between each lighting and camera change he had to wait about an hour. He said that he didn't get home until about 8:30 last night. Howard is usually in bed by then. Steve Grillo is also working on the set. Steve says that he guards the door and makes sure that no one walks in and makes noise during filming. Sounds like fun huh?
Jackie's wife to be on tv. 5-3-96. Jackie's wife Nancy will be on America's Most Wanted this weekend on FOX. I don't know what part she'll be playing but just look for the woman overacting and that'll be her.
Fred 'The Elephant Boy' comes in. 5-3-96. Elephant boy came in to plug some appearances that he's making. He came in and, as usual, was barely understandable. Howard asked him how his girlfriend was. Well, they've broken up and Fred is trying to move on. Fred says that he met a lovely girl at a Prodigy chat room party. He says that he's talked to her on the phone and she even kissed him goodbye at the Prodigy party. Well little did anyone know, that woman is married! Her husband called in after Fred had left the studio. Howard brought him back in to talk to the guy on the phone. Fred says that he didn't know that she was married. The husband says that he's pissed because she and Fred talk on the phone behind his back. Her screen name on Prodigy is something like Philly babe. Philly says that she talks to Fred pretty often on the phone. She also says that she and her husband haven't been getting along lately and that she could possibly be interested in Fred! The couple even have children and when asked if he knew that she had children, Fred said no. But the husband knew the truth. He said that Fred wanted to take the children to a wrestling match! Howard got fed up with the whole thing because he had to get to something else.
Howard tries on some Kathie Lee clothing. 5-3-96. Yesterday Howard was thrilled about the Kathie Lee Gifford controversy. If you don't already know, Kathie Lee has a clothing line that's sold at Wal-Mart. It turns out that the clothing was being made by Honduran children that were being made to work in horrible conditions for 15 hours a day. So anyway, Kathie Lee says that she didn't know about this and she was crying on tv. So Howard played some of the reports yesterday and goofed on the wicked Kathie Lee. One listener called in and told Howard that the clothing sucked and it was falling apart. So after the show, someone went out and bought about $250 worth of Kathie Lee outfits. This morning Gary brought some of the outfits in to the studio for Howard to see. Howard decided to try something on. He said that his outfit was like a house coat or something. Most of the stuff was made of Rayon. Eventually everyone in the studio was wearing some Kathie-Lee-Wal-Mart-clothing. Even the writer of Private Parts the movie, Len Blum, was wearing some of the ugly crap. Howard even kept it on during an interview with Bernard Goetz's lawyer. Next week Howard wants to do a Kathie Lee fasion show at The Fasion Cafe.
Bernard Goetz's lawyer comes in. 5-3-96. This guy was supposed to have Bernard on the phone for Howard but it never came to be. Darnay Hoffman, lawyer for 8 months, defended the infamous Bernard Goetz in a civil suit recently. Bernard Goetz was the vigilante that shot down 4 black youths back in 1984 when they approached him and asked for $5. Goetz was found innocent on attempted murder charges years ago but now this one guy who's in a wheel chair sued him for something like $43 million...and won! Anyway, his lawyer came in this morning and spoke to Howard for a little while. Darnay is Sydney Biddle Barrows husband now. Sydney is that whoremaster that was also on the show recently. That was basically his whole story, he talked really fast and never made a point.
Celebrities wish Howard luck. 5-2-96. Since this is the first day of ''principal photography' for Howard's movie 'Private Parts', Howard wanted celebrities to call in and wish him luck. The first so called celebrity was Dick Cavet. Dick wasn't his usual self when Howard plunked down the phone. Dick was disguising his voice as an English woman. He did a pretty good job of it also. Howard couldn't guess who it actually was so Dick finally revealed his real voice...monotone and boring. Dick told Howard that the key to being relaxed while acting is to clench your buttocks. He said that it keeps your tension down there instead of your face. The next caller was Joan Rivers. Her advice was 'don't let anyone touch you during filming'. She said that if someone touches you, they can't edit the scene to cut that person out. Wow, great advice from everyone today. Next up was another person disguising his voice. This time Howard figured it out pretty quickly. It turned out to be none other than 'Grandpa' Al Lewis from the Munsters. 86 year old 'Grandpa' Al wished Howard luck and off he went to bang his young wife. Another famous celebrity called in Garry Marshall, director. Garry was the producer of great shows like 'Happy Days' and 'Laverne and Shirley'. Garry also gave Howard some advice this morning. He told Howard to watch out when removing body microphone tape from his chest, it pulls the hair out! The most interesting celeb to call in was Pamela Anderson Lee. Read about it in the next article.
Pamela Anderson Lee calls in. 5-2-96. Howard got on the phone with Pamela and started to tell her that she should ''down play that whole Tommy Lee love thing''. The thing that Howard didn't know was that Tommy picked up another phone with Pam. Howard backed off when he heard Tommy's voice on the line. Howard said ''bye bye boner'' when he heard Tommy. Tommy and Pam are still having sex even though Pamela is 9 months pregnant! Howard told Tommy that he'd have sex with him just to taste Pamela! When Howard asked Tommy about his ex-wife, Heather Locklear, Tommy just said ''who?'' He says that before Pamela there's just a big void in his life. Pamela's new movie, 'Barb Wire' opens tomorrow. That was the reason that she called in today. Tommy and Pam had no idea that Howard was starting to film a movie today. Howard asked Pam if she would be raising the child herself. Tommy said that he'd never let a stranger raise his child, he doesn't want a fat mexican woman beating the crap out of his son. He's seen too many tv shows showing babysitters beating the children they're sitting. Pam's mom will be watching the child also. Pam will be returning to Baywatch on August 1 of this year.
Caller of the week. 5-2-96. This week's nominee's are...
1. Woman yelling at Howard about having Divine Brown on the show.
2. Allison Norris(Fred's wife) yelling at the guy that called in and told the story about Fred's fight at the Rainbow Room.
3. Woman yelling at Robin, calling her a malicious viscious bitch.
4. Mark Hamill defending himself against phony news articles.
And the winner for Caller of the week is... The woman yelling at Robin. Of course they can't give the woman her award since they don't take down anyone's phone number to call them back.
Ponce De LaPhone 5-1-96. Slow news day... Ponce was up to his great phone calls once again. He called one show and played tape of Howard saying his lines. The guy asks who is on the phone and you hear Howard say 'Daniel Carver' then the guy says hi to 'Daniel' and you hear Howard say 'douchebagsayswhat?' and the guy says 'I'm sorry, what?'. This guy's phony phone calls are the greatest.
Henry Hill calls in. 5-1-96. Henry Hill, the man 'Good Fellas' was based on, called in to plug the rehab center that he's in. Henry has been in the witness protection program for at least the past 15 years. When you're trying to hide from the Mob you must need to drink quite a bit! Henry's voice is in one of the most popular sounds that Fred plays on the show. Henry is the 'Puhlease' sound effect that is often played during Robin's news. Henry used to drink a liter of Vodka a day before going in to rehab. He says that he never killed anyone but he saw many people done in. He also says that he wasn't in the mob but he hung around them a lot.
Wacky woman phone call. 5-1-96. This was one of those phone calls that will make it to 'Best Of' some day. This woman called in and rambled on and on about nothing. Howard kept her on the phone for a good 15 minutes. She says that she's claustrophobic or something like that. It was hard to understand most of what she said so there's no telling what she was actually saying.