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Howard said Beth is raising money by selling some necklaces and she had a picture of herself in a bikini with one on. He said some guy wrote asking when Howard is going to let her out of the house. He said he gets upset about that. He said Beth went out with some friends last week so he's not keeping her locked up. He said he doesn't want her on social media. He said he goes crazy from it.
Howard said Elon Musk bought Twitter and he's trying to make money by selling the blue check mark. He said Elon Musk is some name. He said he remembers hearing that pubic traps the musk from a woman so it would attract a man. He said that's what pubic hair was for. He said no wonder we shave it off now. Robin said they have Elon Musk in there. Howard said if he said Robin was musky down there she'd be offended. Robin said she'd never want to see him again. Howard said it sounds like the pussy is going to tear gas him.
Howard said Elon Musk had a rocket ship that he launched. He said he thinks it's great that he's doing that with his money. He said one blew up and people were happy about it. He said he likes that the guy is doing electric cars and space travel. Robin said we have a crazy country that's against progress. She said they want to slow down and stop it. She said Elon shows off.
Howard said he's pissed off at rich guys who inherited money from their parents. He said he'll go out to dinner and he'll hear from these guys talking about how to make money even thought they inherited it all. He said he thinks that Elon made his money. Robin said she knows that helped to create PayPal so he made his money. She said his brain is on fire 24 hours a day trying to figure out how to make life better on this planet.
Howard said he was upset when the rocket blew up. He said it was a test flight so no one was on it. He said that people were happy about it.
Howard got back to Twitter and said that the blue check mark you have to pay for now. He said it's $8 a month. He said he's not going to do that. He said he doesn't care if you want to go follow the fake Howard Stern. He said that he doesn't really tweet anyway. He said he used to but one guy wrote to him about how he tweets too much so he stopped. He said just one guy had to say that. He said he was right though so he stopped. He said he used to use it in all kinds of original ways. He said he gave up on all of that because of one guy.
Howard said so anyway this guy Elon Musk figured out to charge people to be verified. He said last week they took away everyone's check mark. He said he saw that he still had his. He said he doesn't pay for his. He said it turns out certain people get to keep it. He said they realized that it was doing something. Robin said it brings traffic. Howard said Ronnie and JD lost their check marks. He said Ronnie worked so hard to get his check mark. He said they had a contest on the show to get it. He said he's kind of happy that he still has it and Ronnie doesn't. He said he's thinking about doing something really dark. He said he's thinking about paying the $8 a month for Ronnie and then just post pictures of naked dudes. He said he'll have hot guy of the month and things like that. He said it's all so weird. He said he wouldn't pay to be verified. He said it's annoying when people think it's you and it's some other douche bag putting stuff out.
Howard asked Ronnie if he's going to pay. Ronnie said no way. He said it's stupid. He said he's had it since 2011 and now they take it away. He said let them have it. He said he's not going to pay for it.
Howard said Ronnie is like Trump with the amount of business he conducts on Twitter. He said he puts a lot of time into that. He said it's his whole identity. He said now they took that check mark away. Ronnie said Blitt has to rub it in. He said he's asking him if he's upset and things like that. He said it was right away.
Howard said OJ still has a blue check mark. Ronnie said he told Blitt that. Howard said he bets he pays for it. Ronnie said he doesn't think so. JD said he's pretty sure he pays. He said he thinks he was subscribed to Twitter Blue before this all happened.
Howard said you'd think that guys who may have killed someone would have a different color check mark. He said maybe a slash mark through his name.
Howard said he's thinking he should start a fake Ronnie account to put dudes on. Robin said he'll get sick of that in 2 days and then there won't be any content. Howard said that's Elon Musk for you. He said if he gets enough assholes he'll be really rich. Ronnie said it's not like he doesn't have enough money. Robin said it has to run as a business. Howard said if Ronnie owned Twitter everything would be free. Ronnie said it's all of a sudden they have to charge for it. He said if $8 a money makes him happy then good for him.
Howard said he should have a blue check mark. He said he was upset when Ronnie got one. He said JD too. He said he was out there doing radio 45 years ago. He said he should have one, not you. Ronnie said he didn't have one yesterday but now he does. He said they took it away from him and gave it back. He said he knows they took it away and Jimmy Kimmel's too. Howard said this is the way it should be. He said he's probably paying.
Howard said they got too liberal with it. He said now they've taken it away. He said he likes the elitism of it.
Howard said he likes all of this. The guys brought it up and showed that he still has the blue check mark. Howard said Ronnie doesn't have one now. Ronnie said he checks his every weekend.
Howard said this is the way it should be. He said he feels better about it all. He said he's a fan of Twitter and Elon Musk.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dice Clay who was upset about Ronnie losing his check mark. He said he doesn't know which wet cunt Wednesday is the right one to follow. Howard said that musk is that smell that women have. Fake Dice said he loves women with a musk. He got Dice going with that. He was talking about the stink down there and what that would do for him. He said he loves when a woman smells like a fish market in August. Howard said he likes a nice clean smell. Ronnie said he likes a little hairy pussy. Dice said he likes it when a woman spreads her legs and his dog passes out. Howard said Ronnie and Dice are on the same wave length.
Howard asked if Dice has a check mark. Dice said he always has one. He said it looks like a rock hard raging prick. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said on the phone is Ronnie's blue check mark. He took the call from the check mark who told him to just pay up for the check mark. It was Mike Pearlman doing the voice of the check mark. Robin wondered if he'll cave in. Ronnie said no way.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a funny story. Howard cut him off after a few seconds and said he was bored with him already. The caller quickly told a story about being at Disney and checking his Twitter and Ronnie posted a bunch of pictures of tits and pussy while he was checking it. He said he was stuck on the tram at the park and he was checking to see what was happening and that's what showed up.
Ronnie said he was in bed by 8:45 last night. He said he went to bed early on Saturday night too. He said he was up late on Friday night. He said he doesn't sleep in either. He said he'll sleep 5 or 6 hours and he's up.
Howard asked what was on his mind last night. Ronnie said nothing. He said that he only got 2 hours of sleep. He said he was afraid that he wasn't going to wake up. He said that's what was on his mind. He said he fucked Stephanie before he went to sleep. He said that's why he slept for 2 and a half hours. Howard asked what he thinks about. Ronnie said he has a lot of shit going through his head. He said not one thought was about that blue check mark.
Fred played a clip of Ronnie saying ''Dodge Charger scat pack...'' for what was on his mind.
Howard said he thinks Ronnie was thinking about pussy, NASCAR, Mike Pearlman messing with his bagel, skull tattoos, wedding, cunt, cunt, 69, Mike fucking with his bagel, death, clits, clits, ass toys, blue check mark and his moustache. Howard kept going with all of that over and over.
Howard took a call from fake Elon Musk (High Pitch Erik) who said he'll give him the blue check mark if he blows him. Ronnie said if he can find his cock, yeah. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from fake Christian Bale who said he lost his blue check mark too. He seemed to have lost his Christian Bale impression along with that blue check mark. Howard spent a minute with him getting into a fake argument with him. Howard closed the door on him but he kept talking.
Howard said he knows Ronnie is upset. Ronnie said it's just stupid. He said he's not upset. Howard said he knows he's upset. Ronnie said don't give it to someone and then take it away after 12 years. Robin said Elon is a new owner. Ronnie said like he said he hopes the $8 a month makes him happy but it's not coming from him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Lebron James won't even pay for the blue check mark. Howard asked if Ronnie thinks that Stephanie is less attracted to him now. Ronnie said she doesn't even care. He said she knew that they were doing that. He said she doesn't know yet that he lost it. Howard asked when he's going to tell her. Ronnie said he doesn't know.
Howard said he does like that he has a blue check mark and Ronnie doesn't. Howard said he likes that he has it because he's famous. Howard said maybe Ronnie's fans will pay for it. He said he thinks it's kind of funny.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's pissed about this too. She said she's not sure how to know who Ronnie is. She said she has to know which one is his. Howard said now the check mark is for really famous people or people with $8. Ronnie said sure it's for people who don't post anything. Howard said don't take it out on him.
Howard said he went driving around over the weekend with a friend. He said a lot of chicks walk around in bathing suits with their ass cheeks out. He said they walk around the streets like that. He said they walk around with their ass out. He said they're some beefy women. He said there are dudes out there doing the same thing. He said this guy he saw walking around had huge tits. He said he and his friend were cracking up. He said his friend wanted to drive around so he went out with him. He said they drove an hour and a half out and back. He said it was shocking what they saw out there.
Ronnie said Howard has changed. Howard said he was in this tiny car that his legs didn't even fit into. He said his friend asked if the car was too small for him. He said no but he didn't know they'd be driving around for 3 hours.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Arnold who said he has a blue check mark as well. He said that Ronnie has to cum 7 times every night. Ronnie said those days are over. Arnold said he counts loads instead of sheep. Howard let him go pretty quick.
Howard took a call from fake Kurt Busch who said that he has to stop being Ronnie's friend if he doesn't have the blue check mark. He said his wife is a little freaked out by him anyway. Ronnie said he should lose that Brooklyn accent if he wants to play Kurt. Pearlman kept going with the impression. Ronnie told him he's not funny.
Chris Wilding said that Ronnie was trying to get verified on Instagram too. Ronnie said he was not. He said Stephanie was trying to do that. He said he didn't care about that. He said he doesn't even post on there. He said he doesn't know what she's up to on there anyway. He said she puts shit up about the dog there. Chris said that he was trying to get verified on there.
Howard said JD lost his blue check mark too. He said JD isn't going to pay for it either. He said he's afraid that someone is going to impersonate him. JD said he didn't lose sleep over it like Ronnie did. Ronnie said he's a fucking asshole. He said he didn't lose sleep over it. JD said he was just going with what Howard said.
JD said he is afraid that someone impersonating him may tweet at someone and leave bad relationships with the show or something. Howard said on the other hand he could tweet out weird shit and not get in trouble and just claim that someone else did it.
Howard said he likes it. He said he hates to admit it but he's happy they lost their check marks. Ronnie asked if Ryan Phillippe is verified. JD looked it up and said he's not. Howard said that's good. He said he's more famous than Ryan. Robin said her check mark is gone too.
Howard said Blitt has been down there and he knows where to take him. Blitt said he just needs the right attire. Howard said there was a kid who was like 12 years old and he was in the news for being held in Miami and Blitt is going to tell people down there that JD is that kid all grown up.
Howard said Blitt was saying to him that he wants to take JD Speedo shopping and tell them that he's Elion Gonzales. He said he's going to take him to a work out too. Blitt said it's a 2 hour work out session.
Howard said they're opening up new studios in Miami so they want him there. He said Ronnie will be there too. He said he's upset that Mike Pearlman is going to be there. Ronnie said he doesn't know anything. He said he and Sal have something going on. He said it's a Blitt deal. He said he's not going anywhere with Blitt.
Howard asked if Mike is going to be there. Mike said he is. Howard said he heard he's sharing a hotel room. Ronnie said he's not going to do that. He said there's no way that's happening.
Mike said they're going to work out and take him clothes shopping. He said they'll show him some outfits and stuff. Ronnie did his bad impression of Mike while Mike was explaining what they're doing down there. Ronnie told him he's not doing any of this stuff he has planned.
Howard said they'll be there next week and tear up Miami. Ronnie asked if he finally gets to see him after 3 years. Howard said he'll say hello.
Howard said Sal had this weird idea for Miami. He said they had like 5 writers meetings and Sal is dead set on this thing. He said he wants to go to a nude beach and put bread in his ass and see if seagulls will eat it. He said he thinks he wants to see that. Robin said they're not going to just choose the bread. She said they're going to be pecking around. Sal said he wants to put French fries in there and see how many they'll take.
Howard said the birds will try to take his cock off thinking it's a worm. Sal said he spoke to some experts and they said he should be fine other than a few scratches. Robin said she hopes they peck the hell out of him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that this Elion plan is going to go wrong because his whole thing was about dolphins saving him and bringing him over. Howard said they're not that well thought out. He said he thinks this woman has to get out of the sun. He said he's not sure what the fuck she's talking about. Howard let her go.
Howard said they're going to go to Miami to open the new studios down there. He said he's going told that. He said he hasn't seen these guys in 3 years so that should be fun. He said it should be interesting with Sal out on the beach and JD getting a Speedo. JD said he's not going to do that.
Robin asked if any of JD's famous friends are in Miami. JD said he doesn't think so. Howard said Miami is too exciting for him. He said he likes to go to bed early but there's too much going on there. JD said it's like the number 1 party city.
Howard said the Knicks have been playing great lately. He spent a few minutes talking about that with the guys. They were talking about how good they've been and how many famous people show up to watch the games. Howard mentioned a few celebrities he saw at the games.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Mike Pearlman who was talking about his plans for Ronnie down in Miami. He said he wants to take him out shopping for clothes down there. The two Mikes were talking about Ronnie's wardrobe and how he's not a great dresser.
Howard said there's a lot of excitement about this Miami trip. Ronnie said he's not going to have fun with Mike. He said he'll go out with Sal but not with Mike. Mike said every time they've hung out they've had a great time. Ronnie said he's a fucking asshole and he's not going to hang out with him. Howard said they'll have a good time. He said he's sure they will. Ronnie said he's not excited to see him. He said he doesn't want to see him in person.
Howard said Chris and Wolfie are going to meet up with Tan Mom and her boyfriend down there too. He said asked what's going on there. Wolfie said Tan Mom has found a new love and he's a real person. He said they're going to go visit her. Howard said she's been catfished a few times. Wolfie said they want to find out what this guy's intentions are. Howard said he's glad they're doing that. Wolfie said she's been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. He said they have not had sex yet though. He said that's what Tan Mom said. He said here are a couple of red flags there.
Howard said Chris has a date lined up down there too. Chris said there's a lot of excitement about it. He said he's known this guy for a while and he's in a wheelchair so there's a lot of excitement about that. Howard asked how that's going to work. Chris said he'll blow him in the chair if he has to. He said he's a spectacular looking man. He said he's not sure how that whole thing works. He said he'll have to figure it out. Howard said they wish him luck with that.
Howard said he heard the guys are taking Ronnie out to dinner too. He said that should be good. He asked mike to sit next to Ronnie at the dinner. He said that's kind of great.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked if there's going to be an audience in Miami. Howard said no he doesn't work with an audience. Mariann said that Andy Cohen is going to be down there too. Howard said Andy will be there. He said he's not sure who else.
Mariann said that Captain Janks is upset that he got his blue check mark taken away too. Howard said he should check in and see who lost their check marks. Mariann wished him the best on his trip. Howard cut her off and hung up.
Howard said he heard that Chris is going to get a spry tan down there. Chris said he may go out and get some sun before he goes down there. He said he's not going to get too dark. JD said Benjy got sprayed pitch black once.
Howard said he thinks they're keeping Benjy away from Miami. He said he didn't make the cut. He said he heard he's upset about that. He got Benjy on and asked about that. Benjy said he's kind of upset. He said that it hurts emotionally but it's not the biggest deal in the world. Howard said alright then. He thanked the guys and said he'll see them in Miami.
Robin asked if Sal brought up that bread eating thing every time they had a meeting. Howard said he did. He said it is a funny thing. He said he worries that the birds will get something from Sal's asshole.
Howard told the story about how Ivan Reitman had to come and tell him how he had to follow the script and not make stuff up. He said he had to go memorize the script. He said he did that and did his thing. He said he had no idea.
Howard said Betty Thomas had to send Ivan away. He said he felt like he was in the house with his dad. He said then Betty said he had to relax and go memorize the script. He said he watched some Meryl Streep interview and she saw how she did it. He said he got all cocky with his acting after that. He said he'd talk about his technique after that. He said he knew he must have sounded like an asshole. He said it really does take some talent. He said he was pretty good at it so he should go back to it. He said he was offered a big part but he turned it down. He said his wife said he'd be too busy if he did it. He said he turned it down. He said he could become an actor and just do that. He said that would be kind of cool if he won an Oscar. He said he just needs some material.
Howard said Priyanka Chopra is coming in tomorrow. He said she has a new show that's coming out. He said she's really good in it. He said he knows she has a husband. He said he has to ask her about her husband Joe Jonas. Robins said they have a baby. He said she'll be on tomorrow. He said James Corden is coming in on Wednesday too. He said he's leaving his show. He said he's going to be like Jack Parr and regret leaving it. He said he heard that Jack Parr wasn't a fan of his for staying that was the dumbest move to leave the Tonight Show. He said he doesn't care though.
Howard said he liked that Scottish guy who was on the Late Late show. He said Craig Kilborn is making money selling star maps now. He said that Craig Ferguson was good too. He said he may be working at Jiffy Lube now. He said he thinks he's in charge of H.R. over there. He said he was talking to him about changing brake pads in 30 minutes or less. He said Conan O'Brien is doing a podcast now. He said all of the late night guys are up to something. He said Arsenio is a landscaper now. He said he has a full on business now.
Howard asked who else left. Robin said Carson Daly is doing a the Today show now. Howard said Andy Richter is trading his body for money. He said that Trevor Noah is selling copper wire.
Howard said James Corden is coming in to give his farewell. He said he thinks he'll get him to reconsider leaving. Robin said she thinks they turned his Carpool Karaoke into its own show.
Howard said Craig Ferguson played a love interest to Kathie Lee Gifford in a movie that came out in 2020. He said he feels bad for the guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to send JD over to this place Hialeah and they have to be careful down there with the open carry stuff down there. Howard said he knows all of that shit.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she got the Metamucil things and they're not crackers, they're cookies. Howard said they are. Howard said he has to hang up on her because of her phone connection. Howard said that was some phone. He said it sounded like she was on that rocket that blew up.
Howard said he got a colonoscopy a few years ago and he got messed up. He said he has some condition where if he pushes too hard he can get this Diverticulitis thing. He said Dr. Agus told him to change his diet up. He said he was told to take Metamucil. He said he didn't know how much to take. He said he started eating two cookies and he had these beautiful doodies. He said they were full and fluffy and they floated. He said they came out at the same time every day. He said he was in doody heaven.
Howard said then he had a root canal. He said after that he was on pain killers for about a week. He said he had a weird reaction to his antibiotics and they told him to take a probiotic for that. He said that he had never taken that before. He said he read the bottle and it said it was a living organism. He said he didn't want to take it. He said it just freaked him out. He said he took it anyway because it was doctor's orders.
Howard said that was about a month ago. He said he took the probiotic for a few days. He said he was getting a lot of advice but long story short, his doodies look like rabbit pellets and they're rock hard. He said it's hard to get it out now. He said he's upset about this. He said he's still taking the Metamucil and hoping something will happen. He said the nutritionist told him to drink a lot of water. He said he can't do that because he has to pee a lot. He said he wishes he could show Robin his doody. He said he was going to ask her what she makes of it.
Howard said this woman told him to stay the course and things should loosen up. Robin said maybe he should drink water in the afternoon. She said he can get it all out before he goes to bed. Howard said his doody looks like buck shot.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's kind of drunk and walking around. He said he works the overnight shift so it's okay. Howard asked where he drinks. The caller said there's a local bar. He said it's just for the workers there. Howard said you have to love America for stuff like that. Howard said it's weird to see that. Howard asked what he drinks. The caller said a Bud Light and some Jameson. Howard said he must not be against that transgender thing with Bud Light. The caller said he's all for it. He said he doesn't care. Howard said he doesn't care either. He said he'd love to have a deal with Bud Light. He said let her have her thing. He said the irony is that they give a ton of money to the conservative causes too.
Howard asked what the caller has to say. The caller, Mike, said he was going out with this girl he met recently and he was doing her doggy style. He said he ended up fucking her and licked her ass after pulling out. He said he she hops up and runs out of his apartment. Howard said she probably figured if he was doing that to her he might be doing it to other women. Mike said that he was talking to her for a month. Howard said he doesn't eat a woman's ass. He said you save that as a surprise for later. He said this guy put the whole menu on the table right away. He said he's not sure what he would do but he's thinking there could be doot in there or something. He said that's hard core. He said he has very little in his repertoire. He said just his penis excites women. Mike said Howard's bank account excites them. He said he has to mix it up.
Howard said he doesn't have women do stuff to his ass. He said one woman stuck her finger in his ass once but he clenched up on her. He said he almost broke her finger. He said he wasn't into that at all. He said it was nice of her to want to do that but that's not his thing. Howard said he does this stuff for them to show that he cares. He said he will go down on them if they want.
Mike asked if he has ever done it during his marriage. Howard said he does like dirty talk but his wife doesn't like to hear it. He said she says it's creepy.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it turned out to be fake Dice Clay who said they're talking about his kind of topic. He said he loves eating ass. He had the caller cracking up with his lines about eating ass.
Howard answered another knock at the door and fake Arnold was talking about eating ass as well. Howard let the two of them talk about that for a couple of minutes.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Stone Cold Steve Austin who was also talking about eating ass. Howard let the three of them go at it for a few minutes before closing the door on them.
Howard said Mike inspired some interesting conversation. He said he has to take a break now.
Howard let Mike go but he had a caller on the line who had a story about how her family is divided over this Bug Light thing. Howard took the call and Michelle told a story about how her large family was together and they were talking about this Bud Light thing and some stranger was at the bar drinking a Bud Light and this family member gave the guy a $5 and told him to go buy himself a real beer.
Howard said there's so much shit that's out of control in the world right now and this is what people are worried about. He said there's so much going on that's real shit and this is really nothing. He said people are out of their fucking minds right now.
Howard said Bud Light isn't a person. He said it's a corporation that's trying to sell beer. He said they want to do something to get attention. He said these people can't deal with the world. He said they get so upset about something so dumb. He asked why anyone would care. He said this isn't a problem. Michelle said it's a distraction. Howard agreed. He said he just wants everyone to be happy and drink whatever beer you want. Howard said imagine this woman has a picture of herself on a can of beer and you decide to break up with the beer because of that. He said it's idiocy. He said he was reading about the marketing executive and how she's taking a leave of absence over this. He said she's going to lose her job over this. He said that's ridiculous.
Gary said he finds this all to be so ridiculous. He said everyone was so upset about Colin Kaepernick taking a knee and they said they would never watch NFL again. He said they all got over that. He said that will happen with this too.
Howard said life is too short. He said we're all going to be dead. He said we were born to die. Robin said it's like having 15 minutes on earth. She said that your 70-90 years is like nothing to the whole scheme of things. She said no one will remember you for what you're doing. Howard said he envies people who sit at home and think about Bud Light. He said he's home thinking about why he's doing this because he wont exist at some point. He said that this is all going on and it's meaningless. He said he's like a bug trying to climb out of a toilet bowl and he's going to get flushed. He said there's some guy sitting at home worrying about Bud Light and transgender. He said some other guy is upset he lost his blue check mark. Howard said he really has to take a break. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and talked about the Avril Lavigne's song and how she said she wrote this song in one day when she was 17. He said his biggest accomplishment at 17 was jerking off 5 times in one day. Howard said 17 is the best time to have success. He said Regis Philbin and Rodney Dagnerfield didn't have it until later in life. He said Rodney was in his late 40s. He said he had some comedy success and he was bitter by then. He said Avril was 15 and she got a record deal.
Howard said his father had a studio and he got to do things but he was horrible. He said that his father told him he was horrible. Robin said you have to wonder what they were up to for something to come together at 15.
Howard said he was thinking about this Bud Light thing. He said they're in a really bad situation right now. He said he thinks they should consider buying some commercials on their show. He asked who is better at talking about masculinity than him. He said he thinks he could help them out. He said he used to do Snapple commercials and they claim that he was the one who put them on the map. He said now it's a huge name. Robin said it is huge and it was bought out by some huge conglomerate. Howard said he could do a masculine commercial for Bud Light. He put his voice through a voice changer to make it deeper. He talked about some manly stuff in that voice. He did it so long it knocked out his microphone for a second.
Howard said imagine the campaign to do that. Robin said they wouldn't have to sell the ad. She said they'd just preview it and the press would be enormous.
Howard said Gary told him about this thing where Zoom will air brush you. He said that Memet thinks that some of the staff is using it. He said he didn't even know it exists. He said he heard that JD was told by their TV producer that he has to use it. JD said they were going through the settings with him and they told him to put that ''touch up my appearance'' setting on. Howard said he'd rather see him normal. JD said he has it on a very low setting. Howard asked to see it. JD showed him the differences. He showed it down low and then touched up. Howard said he's Brad Pitt now.
Howard said they say the camera lens kept breaking so they asked JD to do it. JD said he doesn't see much of a difference. He said it looks the same to him. JD was going up and down with the setting. Robin didn't see anything. Howard said it's the same.
Memet showed what his does to him. He said he keeps his at 10 percent. He said there's a scale of 1 to 10. Howard saw the difference on Memet. Howard said it really does make a difference.
Howard asked Memet who he thinks is using it. Memet said Blitt usually has it full on and he looks so blurry. Howard said he didn't know about this but now that he mentions it it's hard to distinguish his features. Blitt got on and said he doesn't use it. Memet said he thinks he has. Blitt said the light changes behind him. Howard said he thinks he's been hitting that filter. Blitt said he swears he doesn't use it.
Howard asked who else Memet thinks uses it. Memet said he thinks Chris Wilding uses it pinned to 10. Howard asked Chris if that's true. Chris said he has his at 50 percent where they told him to put it. Memet said he was never told to do that at all. Howard asked why the don't tell him to do it. Chris said that Memet has a whole lighting set up in his office there. He said he has never looked that nice.
Howard said he just wants to know who is using it. Memet said that Chris used to think he was the best looking guy on the staff. Chris said that has changed. He said he thinks Mike Pearlman is the guy now.
Memet said he thinks that Chris has had some Botox. Chris said he has not but he has considered it. He said that he has not gotten it done though. Howard said the TV team recommends that they use 10 percent. Chris said that's not what he was told. Howard asked Chris to take it down to zero. Chris did it and Howard said he looks the same to him. Chris said he looks better than Memet. Robin said it does erase the under chin hair that Chris likes.
Howard said he wasn't told about this feature. He said no wonder he looks so bad in the meetings. He said he's going to go full on with his setting. He said he will go to a full 10.
Howard said they're all going to be down in Miami and they should hang out at the pool. He said JD will be in a Speedo. JD said he's not going to be in a Speedo. Howard said if he's going to wear one he has to wax. JD said he's not going to wax and he's not going to wear a Speedo.
Blitt said he and Chris are going to try to pick up dudes out there. Chris said that Blitt is a great wing man. JD agreed. Howard said he has to go out with him and get his Speedo. JD said he's not going to do that. Robin said JD is the guy who wants to direct movies and deal with actors. She said he has to know how to deal with this stuff. Howard said they're all fired for not telling him about this filter.
Howard said Zoom should be like Twitter where you have to pay for the filter. He said people would pay for that.
Howard as Elvis told the guest all of these awful stories about Elvis and the guy just went along with it. He was asking him questions about his life as if he were really Elvis or Austin Butler as Elvis. The guest asked to get serious with him. They kept playing clips of Howard talking about weird stuff Elvis did. The guest said he has to go.
Howard said what an exciting episode of Jack and Rod. He said he likes that guy Austin Butler. He said he was stuck in that Elvis voice a year after the film came out. He said that's fucked up. Robin said it must be weird for his mother to hear him stuck in that voice after raising him all those years.
Howard said good thing Austin Butler didn't play Hitler. He said imagine what that would have been like. He said that he was a little better off playing Elvis. He said he'd like to meet him as Elvis.
Howard said his next role is going to be Hitler. He said imagine what would happen if he did that. He said he'd try to take over Germany. He said that was an amazing story.
Howard took a call from a woman who put someone else on the phone who was named Dylan. Howard said this is why he only does 3 days a week. He said this stuff wears him out.
Howard asked the kid, Dylan, what's going on. Dylan said she's turning 13 on Wednesday. Howard was trying to figure out who Marnie was and why Dylan was on the phone with her and talking to her. Dylan said she's her mom's friend. Howard said this is amazing.
Howard asked what he can do for her. Dylan said she's trying to get advice from him about the Bat Mitzvah thing. Howard said it's not a waste of time at all. He said he uses his special prayers so often.
Howard asked Dylan to do some of the prayer stuff with him. He said she did well with that. He said it'll really come in handy sometime in her life.
Howard asked how he can help her today. Dylan said she's not sure how to get comfortable. Howard asked if she's nervous about singing and all of that. She said yes. Howard said you have nothing to worry about. He played a clip of Ronnie trying to do the prayers thing. He was cursing in that so Howard said he has to stop it since this is a kid on the phone. Howard said she's all set and she should do well. Robin said no one wants her to do badly so she has it easy. She said they want to hear her do it the way she knows how to do it. Howard said no one is even paying attention to her. He said he just made it all up when he did it.
Howard said it's all nonsense so it'll be fine. He played a clip of him doing the prayer thing for his bar mitzvah. He said his mother wanted him to do it perfectly so his grandfather would be proud. He said he didn't care.
Howard answered a knock at the door and the guys were playing audio of Gilbert Gottfried doing his Rabbi impression and saying prayers. Howard had the guys play a couple of clips before closing the fake door on him.
Howard said that was a lovely kid. He said that she'll become a woman on that lovely day.
Howard said he remembers being 13 and calling into shows. He said he has to take a break and read some fan mail. He went to break after that.
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Howard came back and sang along with the Lou Reed song for a short time. He said this is very hard core. He said he loves this song when it kicks in. He said listen to this guy. He said nice. He said Lou hated him. He said it was so funny. He said he and his wife went on vacation at Jumby Bay and they ran into Lou there. He said there were only a couple of people there. He said it was Lou and his wife and their dog. He said neither one of them said hello to each other. He said he knew Lou didn't like him. He said he didn't want to get yelled at by Lou in front of his wife. He said he thinks that he said that he looks like Joe Piscopo and that set him off.
Howard said he doesn't know what he's saying. He said he just wants to make people laugh. He said that Lou made this song like 15 minutes long.
Howard said this place they ran into Lou at was a really nice place. He said they got there and it was like being stuck on an island with someone who wants to kill you. He said he wanted to go say hi because he is a fan but he was with his wife and dog on some bench or something. He said he looked so peaceful. He said he didn't want to have a confrontation. Robin said that would have been worse.
Howard said Lou was an angry guy. He said he once said the Beatles music was shit. He said maybe not. He said he thinks it was something like that. He said rest in peace Lou. He said he has to look that interview up and see if that's what he said. He said it was pretty funny.
Howard said he was getting PTSD thinking about that vacation. He said Lou did say that he thought the Beatles were rubbish. He said you can't say that when you're in the music business. He said maybe it was professional jealously.
Howard talked about how ridiculous it is to call the Beatles rubbish. He said you just can't do that. He said he does love that word rubbish though.
Howard said he wanted to impress Beth's dad. He said it was late in the game and he wanted to go out and mention this player Isaiah Hartenstein to him. He said he was outside somewhere doing something. He said he had to memorize this Hartenstein guy. He said he went to Beth's dad and mentioned him. He said he looked like he knew what he was talking about. He said he was talking about this kid like he knew something. He said it's a lot of work being him. He said he has to do a lot of preparation.
Howard said that guy is good. He asked Gary about that. That led to Gary coming on to talk about how good he is.
Howard said he was just trying to be masculine. He asked if he's the center or the back up center. Gary said he doesn't know for sure. Howard said he needs someone who knows. Gary said he is the back up. Howard said he's doing well so they should keep him in there.
Howard said he's enjoying the series. He said Beth asked him to turn it off because it gives her PTSD. He said she gets triggered hearing sports playing in the house. He said they usually watch the Hallmark channel, The Bachelor and stuff like that. Howard and Gary talked more about basketball for a few minutes. JD got in on that too.
Howard read some of the feedback he got about Metallica. Robin said she was having that argument in her head about Howard belonging in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She said Howard broke that band down better than Rolling Stone magazine could ever do. Howard said Robin sits at home telling him this and she never calls Jann Wenner or anyone else about it. He said she has to get to work.
Howard said he was talking to a friend about David Lee Roth. He said he was trying to break down how they write a song like Hot for Teacher. He said this friend is an accomplished musician who has sold like 80 million albums. He said this guy said it would be very hard to figure out how they wrote that song. Howard played the song and talked about how hard it would be to come up with lyrics for that song. Robin said this is genius and it's just drums. Howard said they could have released it as an instrumental. He said David said no way and came up with this song about his hot teacher. He said that's genius. He said he would have run out of that room.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked about Beth and if she ever gets jealous about what he talks about with other women. Howard said he thinks she did early on when he was starting to date her. He said that he thinks she knows he's pretty much her's now.
Howard said Beth knows some of the names of women he dated and she will throw them out at him sometimes. He said maybe that's jealousy. Robin said he was never really attached to those women.
Howard said Beth has said that she doesn't need to get jealous because he never leaves the house. He said he has to find some chicks to make her jealous. He said maybe Robin can come over. He said if he was involved with a show like America's Got Talent she might get jealous. He said that had to make Beth a little jealous. He said he thinks he could have gotten Heidi Klum. He said he thinks that's true. He said he felt like she was into him. He said she said some stuff to him that made him think she was into him. He said maybe it's all in his imagination.
Howard said Beth would come to America's Got Talent dressed really nice so maybe she was jealous a little bit. He said he would tell her that she was looking at him but with his luck Heidi and Beth would have fallen in love and run off without him.
Howard read more fan feedback about Metallica. He played some of their ''Blackened'' performance too. Howard said that was really good.
Howard said Richard love Metallica so much. He said back in 2013 he let Sal give him a smegma moustache so he could sit in the studio when they were on. He said he pulled that clip to play today. He played the clip where Richard was dry heaving over the smell from Sal's cock cheese.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Rosie O'Donnell who was ready to do something with him to make Beth jealous. Howard spent a minute with her.
Howard said last time fake Rosie was on he heard from real Rosie who said she would have come on to do a bit where she masturbated to Trump being indicted.
Howard said they have a new show on Howard 101 called Date Me hosted by Jon Leiberman who goes back in history of the show. He said they did this last week. He said they had Gary talking about his home theater set up. He said he doesn't even want to get into that. He said it drives him crazy. He said that he won't play that clip.
Howard said Jon also did a Where Are They Now with the Kielbasa Queen. He read some fan feedback about that.
Howard said he has some audio from her first appearance on the show in 1998. He played that and spent a short time talking about that.
Howard said Jon Leiberman found Kielbasa Queen, Denise, and asked her about her experience doing ''Private Parts.'' He played a clip of her talking to Jon about how long it took to shoot that scene in the movie. He had some audio of Denise talking about how she had just had a heart attack recently.
Howard said it's sadly time to go. He said they have Priyanka Chopra coming in tomorrow. He said she's amazingly good looking. Robin said he has to control himself. She said don't go too far and go overboard. Howard said he wont. He said she has a new show coming out and it's called Citadel. He said it's on Amazon. He said it's coming out soon. He said he's seen the first 3 episodes and they were really good. Howard said they won't send him the whole season. He said he's not sure why.
Howard said Amazon is working on Artificial Intelligence to improve the dialog volume. He said they're trying to get it so the volume is the same across the shows. He said this is a scene from Succession where the audio is way off. He played the clip of a character talking and you can't hear her. He said that's a real clip that JD pulled. Robin said she saw that and that was one of the things she saw. Howard said they have Artificial Intelligence that can fix that. He said JD has to watch with closed captions.
Howard said this is a show from a movie called Tenet. He played that and you can't hear the dialog over the music. Howard said JD has to use closed captioning to understand it.
Howard said they're going to use Artificial Intelligence to fix this stuff. He said he's not sure why people are freaking out about Artificial Intelligence. Robin said it can be a dangerous thing. She went into an explanation why that is. Howard said they said that this guy killed himself after the Artificial Intelligence told him that he should do it because there are too many humans are on earth. Jason confirmed the story and said the guy asked if the world would be better off without him and it said yes so he killed himself.
Howard said Memet found this game where you play to figure out if this thing is human or not. Memet said he was about 50/50 with it. He said Mike Trainor played it too. Howard asked Mike what happened there. Mike said this thing was asking to see his profile picture and to see his cock. He said that it turned out to be AI and not a human like he thought it was.
Howard said we're not that far off from having robot girlfriends. He said they're saying about 10-15 years or so. Robins said it's not that far off. Howard said he'd like to fuck one before he dies. He said they'll probably invent it and then his cock will stop working.
Howard said imagine if he got a robot girlfriend and it rejected him. He said it would say he was too gross for her. Howard said we are close.
Howard said that's unbelievable that a computer asked to see Mike's cock. Memet said he uses ChatGPT instead of using Google now. He said it's so much better. Robin said that the head of Google is saying that they have AI called Bard that can create a story like Hemingway and it's really good.
Howard asked Mike what this thing said to him. Mike read through the conversation he had with this AI where it was asking to see his profile picture and all of that. Howard asked if he was turned on at all. Mike said he thought it was just where things go on this game. He said he thought it was a guy being a nut. He said he didn't think it was a real chick. He said it was 100 percent not a woman.
Howard asked if it's cheating if you have sex with a chat room computer. He said the world is getting really dark. He said that robot wanted to see Mike Trainor's cock. Robin said they try to figure out what the most predictable thing to say is. She said god knows who has been talking to that computer. She said they're pervs.
Memet said you can ask ChatGPT anything and it will give you something. He said that you can ask how to get out of going to a wedding and it'll give you a bunch of suggestions.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there are scammers using people's voices to scam family members. He said they get ripped off for thousands of dollars. Howard said they can take your voice and make someone think that it's someone. The caller said that they did rip off a family with that technology. Howard said this technology has to be stopped. Robin said in the wrong hands it's not that innocuous.
Memet said they need about 5 minutes of you speaking and they can make up a fake voice that sounds like you with all the different inflections in your voice. Howard said he could do that with his parents. He made up a conversation his parents could have had. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:55am.
Howard said he's never seen more cry babies on these shows. He said everyone breaks down. He said you never saw this with the Allman brothers or anyone like that. He said this guy he's talking about is huge. He said he can barely walk off the stage.
Howard said the one he thinks should win is this 17 year old girl Haven Madison who is cute and writes her own music. He said he'd be banking on this kid if he was a record company guy. He said she can write songs. He said her song was actually good.
Howard said he's a professional judge so his wife gets to hear him talk about all of this. He talked about his days on America's Got Talent and what the judges used to do there. He said they wanted Howie to ask America to vote but he could have done it. He said he was just sitting there like a shlub.
Howard said he's reading an article about Katy Perry and how the fans are upset with her about making rude comments to contestants. Howard said she's not rude enough. He said they're all too nice. He said all the judges just talk about how great everyone is. He said last night they were doing that and saying that America just has to vote. He said they should let Katy say whatever she wants. Robin said she read about how she got booed for the first time. She said she was saying that to get the person to improve. Howard said you want them to have some sass. He said they had some clunkers last night and they should say that. He said they waltz around it all. He said they don't tell the contestants they need to improve.
Howard said they get on Katy because she loves to do this thing. He said he did it too. He said it's where you set the kid up to think they're not going and they end up going through. He said Katy was doing it with every contestant. He said they were just about having a nervous breakdown and she would do the misdirect. He did an impression of what they would do to these people. He said you do it once in a blue moon. He said Katy was going berserk with it. He said the fans were upset. He said they were a little heavy with that. Robin asked if they had Howard say things over and over so they might use a different clip. Howard said they didn't do that with him.
Howard did more of his misdirect stuff with Robin. He said he does that with Gary but the opposite. He told Gary he's fucking up the show. He said they got on Katy for doing that. He said she's kind of closed her yap. He said she looks great lately. He said she had her titties out on the show and he liked that. Robin said one week she was laying across the desk and she had her legs up. She said Lionel and Luke were holding on to her. Howard said that was not good. He said they do that shtick. He said he would have taken himself out of that. He said he did that at America's Got Talent.
Howard said this Haven Madison should win. He said the other kid from Hawaii is good too. Howard said Robin would be a good mentor for the kids. He said she could tell them about their build up. He said they have to have the right song choices. Robin said you don't do your best song in the middle. She said you save it for the very end. Howard said you also tell them to show some titty.
Howard said the alarm went off this morning and he was up way too late. He said this Ryan Seacrest is looking smart for giving up the morning show. He said the guy is so driven. He said he must not have much of a social life. He said he loves work. He said he has a radio show and he was doing Idol and all of this other stuff. Robin said he was going from coast to coast to get it all done. Robin said she read he's cutting back to producing some show he's got. Howard said who cares. Robin said he's doing a few shows and the New Year's Rockin' Eve. Howard said he's cutting back to 384 jobs.
Howard said he's a little too white bread for him but he's good at what he does. He said at one point he was flying back and forth and his eyeball almost popped out.
Howard said he's predicting that Haven Madison will win or she should win. He said that she could have a career. He said he's embarrassed to admit he watches that show. Robin said she doesn't watch it that much but she has seen the people he mentioned. Robin said she just needs to see 2 episodes.
Howard said he thinks Oprah would let Gayle say hello. He said he can see her showing Oprah that she has no problem with him. He said then Oprah would throw a cauliflower pizza at her head.
Howard said Gayle is going to do a show with Charles Barkley on CNN once a week. He said it's called King Charles. He said he thinks she's going to have too many jobs. He said Oprah and Gayle were over in Italy yesterday. He said he's not sure how they do so much. He said they have a lot of energy and time. He said he's not sure how Gayle does the show and travels so much. He said she might be AI. He said being Oprah's friend is a full time job. He said she doesn't want to miss out on any of this stuff. He said she has a show there on SiriusXM too.
Howard said it's like a marriage they have. He said she's committed to her. He said he does one show and he's exhausted. He said he's not sure how Gayle keeps it up with so many shows.
Howard answered a knock at the door. It was Oprah audio book. The guys played some clips of Oprah insulting Howard that they had edited together. Howard spoke to Oprah audio book for a couple of minutes. They had Oprah telling Howard she hates him and he has a tiny pee pee. They had her telling Robin to shut the fuck up too. Howard told her to leave Robin out of this. Oprah said no. She said she wishes she could fart in her face.
Howard said Oprah looks good. The guys had her saying she lost 10 pounds after looking at his face and vomiting. Howard told her to go take a hike with Gayle. Oprah said Howard looks like dog shit. Howard asked Oprah to go do some stuff and the guys kept playing her saying no over and over. He closed the fake door on her a short time later.
Howard said he would tell Gayle to slow things down if he ran into her. Robin said Weight Watchers is going to start offering people Ozempic. Howard said he thought it wasn't a good thing to take. Robin said she has no idea what the literature is on that. She said people are interested in it. Howard said that's fascinating that they'd do that. Robin said that can be part of your program. She said he heard that on a business show. Howard said both Gayle and Oprah have lost a lot of weight so maybe that's what they're using. He said people are desperate to lose weight.
Howard said he likes it better when people can't lose weight. He said it's not fair to take a pill and lose it. He said it's like the Twitter blue check mark. He said he wants to be the only one with it.
Howard asked how old this woman is. She said she's 39. Howard said booze isn't the answer. He said maybe the pot but not the booze. The caller said she has not left the house and she is cleaning it to keep busy. Howard asked what she does for a living. She said she's in real estate. Howard said she must sell one house every 3 years. He said he's met these types. He said she's the kind of woman who sells one house and just goes around looking at houses around with her friends. The caller said she has been in it since 2001 so she's not an amateur. She said she made $60,000 last year. She said she usually makes more. She said her mother passed away and she has some money in escrow. Howard said no wonder she's drinking.
The caller said Howard has helped her out a lot. Howard said what she's saying is that Transcendental Meditation helped her out a lot. Robin said she went right to the booze though. Howard said he'd love for her to be his real estate agent. She said she's a loan officer. She said she has to take care of her mother's deals because her mom was an agent. Howard said he's so ready to get out of this conversation. Howard said she has to quiet down. He said he has to recap this. He said he's trapped in this conversation with Charlene. He said none of this makes sense to him.
Howard tried to figure out what she was calling in about. He recapped what he knew. He said he doesn't know but he's not sure he would want a person who drinks at this time of morning. He asked if he's hot. Charlene said she told him this already. She said she thinks she looks better than Emma Stone. Howard said he calls her Emma Stoned.
Howard asked what he can do for her. Charlene said she just wants to be a good person and she knows that Howard went through this with his dad and mom. Howard asked what she's saying. Robin said she's not even sure now.
Howard said she should get a good phone with her mother's money. Charlene said she has an iPhone 13 Pro Max so it's good.
Howard said he has ''Carlene'' on the phone. He took the call and one of the staffers was doing an impression of Charlene talking to him while she's drunk. Howard asked her questions like he was asking Charlene. Charlene said she'll send a picture to them if they want.
Howard let the two talk for a few seconds. Howard asked Charlene what she's wearing. Then he asked Carlene who said she's wearing shit stained underwear. Charlene laughed at that. Howard let them talk a little more.
Howard asked Charlene if she would send a picture. Charlene said she will. Howard said he has another person on the phone named Charlotte. He said she's even drunker than her and her cousin died. It sounded like Chris Wilding doing the impression this time. He wasn't doing a female voice. Howard let her go with the impression for a short time.
Howard said he's had enough. He let Charlotte go. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this woman is horrible. He said she's so annoying he can't take it. He said he'd like to hear more of Charlotte though. He said that would be great.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if this woman is doing a loan every few months. Charlene said she has $2 million in deals. The caller said last year it was only 60,000. Charlene said it's different this year. She said she's not going to fight with him on this now.
Howard asked if Charlene is married. She said nope. Howard asked if she has a boyfriend. She said she wanted to talk to him about this. She said she has an issue. Howard said based on what he's hearing it would be very hard for a guy to be with her. He said she must look spectacular if she is fucking. Charlene said she has 3 houses and one is at the beach and two are very close. Howard cut her off when he heard another knock at the door. It was fake Sylvester Stallone who said he's very confused hearing this woman. Howard let him go pretty quick.
Charlene said that she has 2 boyfriends and one knows about the other and the other doesn't know about the other. Howard said he has to turn this around and ask her for advice. He said he really has to go. Charlene said she understands. Howard asked Charlene what he should do when someone is on the phone and won't get to the point. Howard let her go a short time later. He said just send him a picture. He said there's no way she can look good. Charlene said she actually does look good. She said that he told her to lose weight last time so she did that. She said she lost the 5 pounds he told her to lose. She said she's 5'6'' and she's 135 pounds. She said she has 34-D cups. Howard asked if they're real. She said she had a boob job. Howard said he bets they look hard as rocks. She said not at all. She said they're saline. Howard said he bets they look in different directions. She said not at all. She said she hasn't worn a bra in weeks.
Howard said he has to see what this chick looks like. Howard had Memet pick up on her so he make that happen. He said this woman is so annoying. He said there's nothing hotter than a smoker's laugh too.
Howard wondered how fast she's going to blow through her mother's money once she gets it. He said she'll go through all of that and she'll blow right through it. He said it's like $5 million. He said one of the boyfriends will have an idea to use the money for opening a restaurant or something. Howard did his impression of Charlene talking to her boyfriend about what they could do with the money.
Howard asked Memet if he got the picture. Memet said he hasn't gotten anything yet. Jason said she's sending pictures now. Howard asked why he didn't tell him that. Jason said they were working on it. Howard picked up on Charlene again and asked if she sent them. She said she's working on it. Howard said this is her job. Charlene said she's on her phone and she's working on it. She said her laptop is in the car. She said she's sending it right now. She said she has no filter on the pictures either.
Howard said he can't believe they're waiting around for this. He said he knows they're going to be awful and he'll have to be nice to her. He said he knows how this is going to go. He said he'll just say she's gorgeous and he has to go. He said even at his age he's waiting around for a girl he knows isn't hot to send pictures. He said she's no Emma Stone. He said he's going to take a look at the picture. Jason said he just got it. Howard took a look at it. He said she actually is pretty good looking, bye! He said she does look pretty actually. He said he'd like to see her body too. Charlene said she does and she can send more. Howard said he wants to see her body. Charlene said she'll send one. Howard said he thought she was going to be a train wreck. He said she sounds like a mess. He said she's not bad though.
Jason sent another one to Howard. Howard asked what the second one is. Charlene said she had some professional pictures taken. She said that was when she was 22. She said that was after her boob job. Charlene said she's trying to send things rapidly. Howard said 22 years old is a dream. He said send something more recent. Charlene said she has one from a year ago. Howard said she looked good at 22.
Howard said he has to move along so this is it after this next picture. He said that he has a lot to get to. Charlene said his wife is so adorable. Howard said of course. Howard took a look at the picture she sent and told her to stop yapping. Jason said they're refreshing email there. He said it hasn't come through yet. Jason said it just came in. He put it on the screen for Howard to see. Howard said he has to go. He thanked Charlene for the call. He said she's attractive. He said she really is. He said he has to go though. He said bye. He said he told you that was going to happen. He said the last picture she sent you can't see anything. Robin said she's sitting at a fountain with a friend. Howard said that's what's wrong with him being a guy. He said he would hang out waiting for that picture. He said he just had to see it.
Howard said it never ends. He said Charlene is beautiful on the inside... and the outside. He said she's a pretty girl.
Howard thanked everyone who called in during the segment earlier for calling in. He said he hasn't heard from Bud Light after yesterday's show. Robin said they fired two marketing people over that whole transgender thing. Howard said that's so ridiculous. He said they should grow some balls over there. Howard said he's sick of stupid people.
Howard said a lot of people wrote him about that. He read some of the feedback he got about that subject. Some people agreed with him and some disagreed. Howard read about how this Riley Green guy has removed the brand from his song that mentioned Bud Light in it. Howard played the song with the Bud Light mention in it and then the updated version. Howard asked why every county song sounds the same.
Howard said now they're saying that Jack Daniels has gone woke so people are upset about that. He said one guy was so upset that he smashed his collection of Jack and lit it on fire. He said this is probably a good thing. He played a clip of this guy talking about why he's smashing his collection. He blamed it on them ''going woke.'' Howard said he drank it while they were woke though. Howard asked what the fuck is wrong with people.
Howard said they already got his money so they don't care if he's destroying their product. He said maybe stop drinking and the world would be a lot better. He said he used to drink but not anymore. He jokingly said he stopped drinking when he saw some trans person on a bottle. He took a stand finally. He said his wine went woke. He laughed while making fun of these dipshits.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and sang along with the song that was playing. He said he's not sure what the lyric is. He said he wishes he did. He did know some of them. Howard said they've been together since 1997 making music together. He said that's a successful marriage.
Howard said he wishes he could be invisible and go into people's homes and see what they're up to. He said he'd like to satisfy his own curiosity. He said he'd like to see what Robin does at home.
Howard said he has to mention a couple of things. He said JD found something. He said he was talking to him off the air. He said he said he never falls for click bait but he did fall for this. He said JD went on this site to see this woman who said her uterus fell out of her vagina after she farted and she thought she had a penis. Howard said this was a real thing. He played the clip of this woman talking about what happened to her. She farted and something came out like she was sitting on an egg. She said she went to the bathroom and she thought she had a penis but her uterus fell out. She said it doesn't happen to women that young but it can happen. Howard said JD said something weird to him after that. He said he thought that it could happen to him. Howard said his uterus isn't going to fall out. JD said he didn't mean that. He said he knows that can't happen to him. He said you never know about these things.
Howard said he hasn't shit in 2 days. He said he's not sure where it's going. He said he's been so regular since he got on Metamucil. He said that the nutritionist told him to take more fiber. He said he's been eating a lot of salad. He said nothing is happening. He said he can't drink more water either. He said he has to pee. He said he never had problems before he took the antibiotic recently. He said he's not shitting now. Robin said that sounds like he's going in the Ronnie direction. Howard said he'd rather just go to sleep. He said he's not going to be digging around in his own ass to get shit out. Robin said he may have to use some stool softener. Howard said that's so embarrassing. Robin said he has to take them until he goes. She said don't take just 2. Howard said he's too embarrassed to go buy that stuff. He said he can't do it. Robin said he can buy it online. She said he has to do something.
Howard said that's the girl whose uterus popped out and she shoved it back in.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Rosie O'Donnell who said she's dildoing herself to the news about Tucker Carlson losing his job. She was using a jack hammer to get he job done. She said she needs diesel power to cum now that her clit is calloused over.
Howard said she's getting so much good news lately. He said she may explode. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Rosie as she was jack hammering herself. Howard said he's going to let her go. He closed the door on her but she kept going not hearing the door closing. Howard said he closed the door on her and had to do it 3 times before she heard it.
Howard said he used to go there a lot. He said a couple of times he left. Robin said they had to cut down on staff and then products. She said the stores were getting smaller and smaller.
Howard asked JD to tell his story. JD talked about how long the lines were in the store. Howard asked what he was buying there. JD said he used to get all kinds of stuff there.
Gary said the issue was with the 20 percent coupons that people had. Howard said he used to love going there to shop. He said it was right outside his apartment. Robin said once they started their own brand stuff it was bad because they had nothing else in the store.
Howard said its nice to have stores you like to go to. He said he hasn't been doing that lately. He said even his wife stays home and stares at the wall with him. He said that he saw her on the computer the other day and she was shopping.
Howard said he doesn't want to go to a hospital to have them pull doody out. He said that would be embarrassing. Robin said that would be embarrassing. Howard said he was thinking about Jamie Foxx and how he's in the hospital. He said he was hoping he didn't have this problem.
Ronnie said when his shit came out he had to chop it up to get it to flush. He said that's how much it was. He said he had to chop it up with a stick. Howard said he's not sure what he's going to do. Ronnie said he broke out into a sweat from it. He said he was in so much pain. He said it's not fun. Howard said he used to be so regular. Howard said he's going to drink some water right now. He said he doesn't want to be like Ronnie.
Howard said he can imagine Beth asking why he's bringing a stick into the house. He said he has a big stool to break up. He said he may need a C-section to get it out.
Howard asked Ronnie how big it was. Ronnie said it was like a rock. He said he could feel his asshole expanding but it was so big it wouldn't come out. He said that's why he had to stick his hand in here. He said he finally cleared enough of it out that the rest of it came out. He said it was disgusting. Howard said he's nervous. He said he may need Ronnie to coach him. He said it really scares him. Robin said the Colate directs the water to the right area. Howard said he has to call Dr. Agus about this.
Howard said he can't ask Beth to get it for him because she doesn't know about this problem. He said he can't ask his people to get it for him. Robin said he could have it ordered from the drug store and have it delivered. Howard said he doesn't do any of that stuff himself. He said he has people for that.
Ronnie said he didn't go for like 3 or 4 days. He said it wasn't that long. Howard said he does everything right. He said he doesn't' deserve this. He said he's sick of being perfect. He said he doesn't do anything wrong. He said he has no fun. He said he doesn't deserve this. He said he better go collect some sticks. He said he has to go.
Howard asked Ronnie why he hasn't had that problem since. Ronnie said he's not sure. He said it was like 2 or 3 years ago. Howard said imagine he goes to planned parenthood and asks them to get it out.
Ronnie said he knows what happens to people who are on medications. He said that they can get impacted too. He said they have to take stool softener. Howard said he was just on medication for a few days. He said it wasn't that long.
Howard said he'll go deal with it. Ronnie wished him luck. Howard said he'll call him if he gets into trouble. Ronnie said if it doesn't work out before Miami he'll help him out. Howard said he's afraid that a huge thing is going to come out. Ronnie said he should be happy if it comes out. Ronnie said he put Vaseline trying to get it in there to help get it out. He said he was willing to do anything got get it out of there. He said he got his hand in there enough to break it up. He said it was all over his hands. He said it was disgusting. Howard was cracking up. They played a song parody about Ronnie's shit.
Howard played a hypnosis tape where they gave advice on making doody. Howard said imagine the entire audience is shitting in their cars right now. Howard said he's feeling like he might have something moving back there. He played more of the tape.
Howard said he needs to get a device to chop up his doody with. He said he can't get a stick. He said the next thing he'll see is the NY Post writing a story about how Howard Stern can't shit.
Howard asked Ronnie about running out to get the stick to chop up the shit. Ronnie said he didn't give a shit, he just wanted to flush this thing. He said he didn't have time to find gloves. He said he just went and got the stick. He said he was in so much pain that he couldn't care less. He said he ad shit all over his hands and in his nails. He said he had Vaseline too. He said this was during the show too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was a nurse assistant and he saw a guy who was so impacted that shit was coming out of his mouth. Howard said he can't take this.
Ronnie said that he had a friend who had something like that happen to him. Howard said he has to get cleaned out. He said this is no joke. He said this thing is called Feculant Vomiting. He said if that happens to him it's over. He said he can't have that going on. Howard asked what you do after that. He asked if you wipe your mouth. Howard said he has to go. He said this is terrible. He thanked the guy for his call.
Howard said he's feeling like he has to go. He said he can't stand the humiliation. He said his colon is freaking out. He said they have to shit. He said this is fucked up. He said he may have to call Ronnie to get some advice.
Howard said he's not sure that gloves would help. Robin said they can help. Howard said he has to ask Beth for gloves, a stick and who knows. He said that Ronnie stuck his hand up his ass like a monkey. He asked what's going on in this world. He said he's scared.
Howard said he's not like Robin. He said she's brave. Robin said she tried to tell him a joke but he told her it was too soon. Howard said he was crying and she was joking around.
Howard said he thought it was hilarious that Mike was putting down Erik. He said he wanted to produce a show with Wack Packers. He said in the first scene of this show they had Erik, Medicated Pete, Tan Mom and Mike. He said this is the show. He played a clip where the group of Wack Packers were hanging out in school and Mike ends up giving Erik a wedgie.
Howard said in this scene they have Jeff the Vomit Guy with the other cast. He said they have Wendy in there too. He said she's the hot chick. He played the clip and Jeff was the cafeteria worker. Wendy and Erik went off to get food out of the dumpster and Jeff wanted to know if they were going to vomit.
Howard said this won't end up on the app. He said this was originally called Slow Times at Ridgemont High. He said they changed the name to Chernobyl High so they don't get sued.
Howard said he has another scene to play. He said this is Jeff the Drunk as the wood shop teacher. He played a clip of Jeff teaching class and yelling at the students like High Pitch Erik and Marfan Mike. They had Elephant Boy in there too. Howard said this was a good show. He said the people doing the subtitles for the show killed themselves.
Howard said Jeff was good in that. He said he quit the show so they don't hear from him anymore. He said he had enough with the show. He said he was done with the show after they didn't pick up on him during the Springsteen interview.
Howard said the final scene in the show is High Pitch Erik getting his pants pulled down. He said that Gary the Conqueror shows up like Fonzie to save the day. Howard played the clip of that scene. They had Erik and Wendy in the scene together. Then Marfan Mike shows up and pulled Erik's pants down. No one could see his penis though because it was covered by his belly. Gary the Conqueror shows up on his motorcycle and takes Wendy off with him. Then they have a dance and Beetlejuice is the DJ.
Howard said that's it. He said that's what he got. He said he spent a fortune on the pilot and they can't go forward with it.
Howard said he never thought this was going to happen to him. He said his routine was interrupted. He thanked the caller for the call. He said he's not sure if he should laugh or cry. Robin said there are solutions.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had this problem and she has never been in that much pain. She said that she's had 3 kids too. She said you just have to stick your hand up there and get it out. She said after it came out she was shocked at what came out. She said she feels for Howard. She said she felt sick to her stomach over it.
Howard let the caller go and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said this song wrecks him every time he hears it. He said that's a song. He said now you're doing something. He said don't bore us, get to the chorus. He wondered where those guys are now. He said they're probably middle aged now. He said they were like kids when he met them. Robin asked if that's the band Hum. Howard said that's it. He said that song is so good. He said they really hit it with that song. He said if he had a band they would have written this. He said he didn't know how to do it.
Howard said he remembers those guys coming in at K-Rock. He said they had to stick the drummer out in the hall. He said it was ridiculous. He said two of the guys were in the doorway and the other guy was in the hall. He said shame on K-Rock. He said they had the shittiest studios. He said they were making so much money with the show. He said his mother was shocked at how bad the studio was. He said it was really shitty.
Howard said he eventually got big enough that he got a bigger studio built. He said what a struggle. He said now he's in the fight of his life with his bowel movement. He said that studio was like a junk yard. Robin said it was like a machine shop. Howard said it was the size of a closet. He said they had no windows in it. He said the DJs all had to share the studio too.
Howard said they had all kinds of guys on the microphone there. He said by the time the week ended the place was a mess. He said it looked like a Scuzmobile.
Gary said that wasn't the only band that had a drummer in the hall. He said they had others too. He said the drummers would get so depressed. He said the band Yes was there and they had to put the drummer and the keyboard player in the hall.
Howard said they were the premiere rock station in New York and that's how they treated people. He said it was so embarrassing.
Howard said he was watching a concert that Yes put on. He said that he watches a lot of YouTube lately. He said he was watching Yes doing a song and they were really good. He said the lead singer sounds like that high pitched voice you hear in their music. He said it's so good. He said check it out on YouTube. He said they're in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He said they deserve it. Howard had his voice changer going so he sounded like an elf while talking about that high pitched voice thing.
Robin said that's what they call Karma. Howard said God showed him for being a douche. He said he's 74 but he looks 174. He wondered if he can shit. He said he really didn't like that guy. He said he had a bad experience with him. He said he doesn't care. He said Robin has to see this.
Howard said he has something to play for Robin. He said there's this guy Hasbulla who is like 3 feet tall. He said there's the Island Boys too. He said there's Hasbulla too. He said Wolfie did this piece for him. He said these guys the Island Boys are all tattooed. He said they look like they don't listen to their parents at all. He played their song that was just them singing about The Island Boys. Howard said you have to watch this. He said you can't describe it.
Howard asked Wolfie what he has on these guys. Wolfie said that they have tattoos all over their faces. He said he interviewed them and asked if they were going to keep doing it. He said a week later their faces were covered even more.
Howard had some audio of Wolfie talking to the Island Boys about being celibate. They were talking about saving themselves for the future. They don't like to use condoms.
Howard asked Wolfie what these guys are. Wolfie said they're from Cuba. He said they remind him of a modern day Jesus Twins. He said they haven't had any big hits yet.
Howard asked what this clip is about the vagina. Wolfie said they claim they can look at a picture of a vagina and tell if it's smelly. Howard played the clip and they said they can tell if it's dirty by the pH balance and just seeing that it's open a little bit. One of the guys said they can tell just by looking at it.
Wolfie said these guys are making money putting these songs out. He said they put out that Island Boys song and it's downloaded so they make money off of it. He said they get paid through YouTube and other social media sites. He said they put out the content and make money.
Howard asked what it is that makes people watch. Wolfie said he thinks that people love to hate them. He said people shit on them on their social media. He said it gets really intense.
Howard said these guys were both arrested 20 times between the ages of 13 and 18. Wolfie said they've been involved in a lot of craziness. Howard said they provided a song incorporating his name. He played the song they sang using his name. It was their Island Boys song with Howard's name thrown in there.
Howard asked about this Hasbulla guy. He said Robin has to see this guy. Wolfie said he's like 2 and a half feet tall. Howard said he's a wrestler. Wolfie said he claims to be an MMA fighter but he's never been in a professional fight. He said he's like a bad ass though. He said he'll walk down the street and pull out a knife. He said he's held machine guns and stuff. He said he's from a country call Dagestan. He said Hasbulla is his real name too. Howard said he has 8.6 million followers on Instagram. He said he doesn't speak English. He said this is him speaking. He played a clip and his voice was really high pitched. He sounds like a little kid.
Howard asked who was yelling in that clip. Wolfie said it was his manager and another guy who was supposed to have a fight with Hasbulla. Howard played more of the clip of the guys all yelling. Howard said he wishes he had a translator. He said he'd love to know what he's saying. Wolfie said they were trying to kick each other in the face during this press conference. He said he's like Elvis famous at this point.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Hasbulla and his manager. They were yelling at each other and throwing shit around.
Howard said Steve Nowicki realized he can do an impression of Hasbulla. He was doing both impressions of the manager and Hasbulla with the high pitched voice.
Howard said this is Hasbulla trying to speak English. He played a clip of him saying a few things in English.
Robin asked how old this guy is. Wolfie said he's 21. Steve said he looks like a kid who stole his mother's phone when he talks on a phone. He did an impression of that.
Howard said he always wanted to fly Eric the Actor with balloons. He said these guys did it with Hasbulla. He played a clip of Hasbulla freaking out when they put him in the air. He was screaming and speaking in whatever language it is he speaks. Wolfie said he was outside when they did this so he was flying away. He said they had to grab him before he flew away.
Steve said there's video of him shooting with machine guns and rifles. He did an impression of what that sounds like. Howard was cracking up.
Steve and Wolfie told Howard about a couple of things they've seen him do in videos. Howard said he's not sure who he likes more, Hasbulla or the guy who yells at him.
Steve said that Hasbulla met Mike Tyson recently and he grabbed Hasbulla like a baby and hugged him. He said he may have thought he was a baby. Wolfie said he met Shaq too and he punched him and he didn't see to know what to do.
Howard said Hasbulla is known for his laugh. He played some audio of him laughing. Howard said he's like Baby Yoda. Steve did his impression of Hasbulla laughing.
Wolfie said he's Muslim too. Howard saw a picture of him in his outfit. He wondered what the story is there. He said he has to have a weird life. He said they ask him to do weird stuff. He said they always put him in danger. Robin said this idea came to hi that this guy would be funny in real sized men's activities.
Howard had Steve do more of his impression of Hasbulla. He had his manger tell him to ride a tiger. Howard was cracking up at his impression.
Howard said if he was that guy's manager he'd have to drink. He asked Steve to do more of the impression of the manager and Hasbulla doing crazy stuff.
Howard's phone was ringing so he had to turn it off. He said the other night he was in bed at 4 in the morning and his phone went off. He said it was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. He said it's not supposed to disturb him. He said they can override the do not disturb and wake you up at 4 in the morning. He said he got a tornado warning once and threw it out the window. He said don't wake him up. Robin said they can break through anything you do to your phone. Howard said it's very loud. Fred played a clip of Benjy making a weird noise. Steve did his Hasbulla scream with that.
Howard said it's so great. He said he has to convince him to walk across hot coals or something. Steve did his impression of what that would sound like. He had the manager yelling at him to do this stunt and Hasbulla screaming.
Howard asked Wolfie about this other guy Gucci Berry. Wolfie said he's got millions of followers. He said his claim to fame is just getting hit in the nuts. He said he's insane. Howard asked what the clip was that he played. Wolfie said he does a different stunt every Sunday and he calls it Swinging the Sack Sunday. He said you have to watch it even though you don't want to. Howard asked if Hasbulla has been hit in the nuts. Steve did an impression of what that might sound like. Howard said it all ends in disaster. He said it's always horrible.
Howard said this is Gucci Berry taking it to the nuts. He played a clip of Gucci explaining what he does to Wolfie. He told Wolfie about getting stung by bees and a ton of other things. He said he's gotten hit by a hockey puck in the nuts. Howard asked if he shows the nuts on camera. Wolfie said he doesn't show them on most platforms. He said he may do that in private. Wolfie said he has a tattoo on his face that he had to get when he lost a bet. He said he could have won $1000 if he had won that bet. Howard said this guy just has an ice cream cone on his face for no reason. He said it's nuts what people have gotten into.
Howard played some clips of Gucci Berry doing things to his nuts. He got shot in the nuts with a BB gun. Howard said he blames Johnny Knoxville and those guys for this stuff. He said there are too many guys giving this stuff away for free. He said it's tough out there to make a living as a stunt guy.
Howard said this is Wolfie talking to Gucci about the craziest thing he ever did. He had a bowling ball dropped on his nuts from a roof. Howard asked if he should play it. Wolfie said it's hilarious. Wolfie said that he injured his spine from this stunt. He said the ball crushed his spine.
Howard played a clip of Gucci talking to Wolfie about how one of his testicles is flat on the bottom. He found out from his doctor. He said he thinks that it's from getting hit by baseball bats and golf clubs down there. Howard said people are hard core.
Wolfie said this guy does it every week. Robin said it's not a good thing that the testicles can survive this.
Howard said good job to the guys. He said that he has to get out of there and work on his bowels.
Pam said he always thought that David Letterman and Howard were great friends. She said that if you watch the end of the show you have to see how quickly Dave cuts him off. She said he said something about Fartman and Dave cut him off and ended it. She said that Howard looked bothered by that.
Howard said he thinks he wanted him to go to Montana to film that. Gary said yes. Howard said he remembers that now. Gary said he also showed the painting that he did for his wife. Howard said he has no memory of that. Pam repeated her observations. Howard said she already said that. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said he has done a lot of cool shit in his life and wishes he could remember it. He said he doesn't dwell on any of that stuff. He said it really is an honor that he got interviewed by Dave. He said he's a good man. He said they do speak occasionally. He said he wonders how he is.
Howard said he always feels like he's bothering people. He said that's why they don't talk much. Robin said you can call and tell him that you were thinking about him. She said the answer is yes or no and you can talk another time if you don't have time. Howard said he needs this coaching from her. He said that she has it all down. He said that must be what people do. Robin said she'll do that with Howard. She said they don't have to speak if he's busy. Howard said he calls her all the time.
Howard said his wife will tell him to just go call Robin. He said he does that and he loves talking to her. He said she's always up to something. He said she'll be in the middle of making a fondue or something. He said there's always something going on over there.
Robin said she was reading up on Elon Musk the other day. Howard said that's right. He said she let him know about how he did inherit money from his family. Robin said they say that might be true. She said they had money when he was a child but then his parents got divorced and he lived with his dad. Now they don't speak. Howard said maybe he should interview him. Gary said they have asked a bunch of times. He said he's always promoting stuff. Robin said he's very eccentric. Howard said he's not going to interview him if he can't do it during show hours. He said how about getting him Hasbulla.
Howard said he's not sure what to think. He said it's nice to include people. He said if he were the My Pillow guy he'd keep his mouth shut. He said he got himself involved. He said now he's busy trying to borrow 10 million dollars. Robin said guess who's not going to respond... Howard said everyone. Robin said especially Trump. She said he's not going to say he has Mike's back now. Howard said no he won't. He said that guy is a real piece of work.
Robin said she thinks Tucker Carlson said something about Howard being woke. She said he's waking up today too because he no longer has a job. Howard said he's always had the same views about gay people. He said just let someone do what they want to do if they want to suck someone's dick or whatever. He said if you can comprehend eternity then you can see that you wont be a part of this and you're worrying about beer cans and gender. He said it doesn't matter.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she was there when he did his interview with Letterman. She said it was great. Howard said he has to go back and watch it. Mariann said they sat down and broke bread and Howard took his glasses off. She said they gave each other a big hug. She said he has to watch it. Howard said it sounds like a good time. He let her go and said he really has to go. He said he really doesn't remember a lot of stuff about his career. He said he remembers his Springsteen interview. He said this one slipped his mind.
Howard said he has to go. He wrapped up and ended the show around 10:20am.
Howard said he's not even sure why they built studios down there. He said he's trying to figure it out. He said he understands Los Angeles and New York but not Miami. He said they somehow have studios there now. He said he was asked to go there and he said no at first. He said how about building a studio in Alaska too.
Bobo asked if Fred is going down there. Howard said he's not sure. He said he thinks Fred is setup where he is just fine. He said it's kind of complicated. Fred said it is kind of complicated. He said they did that L.A. trip and it's not the same. He said it's easier to do it there.
Howard said Benjy is not going and he's upset about it. He said he's not even sure who else is going. He asked who is going. He said he thinks Gary will be going. He said JD is going. He said he thinks Sal is going. He said he wants to put bread in his ass on the nude beach. He said they were on the fence about it. He said Richard isn't going but Sal is. He said he's willing to let birds eat out of his ass so he's in.
Howard asked Jason who's going. Jason said Wolfie is going. Howard said he's never hung out with him. He said that might be fun. He said this feels like a prison sentence to him though. He said he didn't want to go. He said Andy Cohen is going. He said that might be enough for Sirius to have him down there. He said Andy loves doing stuff like that. Jason said he's sure he feels the opposite of the way Howard feels. Howard said he's into that whole thing. He said he's sure he's thrilled about it. He did his Andy Cohen impression talking about all the gay clubs he'll be visiting and things like that.
Howard said gay dudes love Miami. He said he's sure Andy is excited about it. Chris said he's excited about it. He said he's at the height of his gay powers in Miami. He said there's something about the beach and it's just fun down there. He said there's something about it.
Howard said he's married and not gay so he's not that into going to Miami. He said he called Robin to complain. He said he told her what they wanted him to do. He said he's just going to do his show from a studio there. He said it's not a big deal. He said they told him that his audience likes when he travels.
Wolfie said Tan Mom asked if she can have lunch with him while he's in town. Robin said that would be fun.
Howard said he's going to just sit in the hotel room waiting to go to work. He said that's what's going to happen. He said he's not into going out. He said if Benjy was there having fun that would make him more angry at him. He said he doesn't want to see him out there having fun. He said his wife thinks they'll have fun. He said he knows they built the studios there and they may be questioning why they did themselves. He said that he's going to go see the new studios. He said he does like to see that kind of thing but he's just going to be a bummer.
Howard said he's sure Andy Cohen will have fun there. He said they're calling it ''Howard's House Party'' down there. He said it's crazy. He said the only party going in is in his own house where he sleeps and tries to get doody out.
Howard played a promo they have for the house party thing. They made it sound like this is a really big deal. Howard said just listen to this. He said fun is his Kryptonite. He said that's the reality. He did his impression of that promo and said it's not that big of a deal.
Howard said he loves working there and loves the management there. He said it's lovely working for nice people. He said he has worked for some really awful people. He said they asked him to open these studios and he's not sure why. He said this is no big deal for him. He said it's not a big deal. He said he's going. He only wanted to do one day but he's doing all 3.
Robin said they created this scene for guests at Sirius. Howard said L.A. and New York are the right places for that. He said Miami has a lot going on too though. He said the place is always loud. He said it's insane down there. He said he has been there and it's a nightmare for him. He said he was down there with his 6 year old daughter and it wasn't the right place for him.
Howard said they're making it sound like it's going to be huge but it's just going to be nothing. Jason said he's going to sit in a studio that looks exactly like his studio and he won't have any windows to look out.
Robin said she can imagine that Howard would just go to his hotel and not come out until work. Howard said that's right. He said he's not looking for fun. Wolfie asked if he'll be more miserable next week. Howard said he will be. He said the team does a great job creating the studio look. He said something will go wrong though. He said he's going to Miami for a big house party but he'll complain about something in his hotel room.
Howard said he told the company that he will go there but he had to have quiet in the hotel so they had to rent out half the building so it's quiet. He said he's not kidding about that. He said if he hears noise he's going to be miserable.
Howard said SiriusXM is great and he roots for them every day. He said he likes the company. He said if they think Miami is the right thing then fine. He said they're going to be sorry they asked him to go to Miami. He said just send Andy Cohen down there. He did his impression of Andy going out to some club down there.
Howard said the last time he had to travel was when he was on America's Got Talent. He said he put a stop to that quickly. He said he went to Austin once and they had South by South West going on. He said he was miserable there. He said he thought his head was going to explode. He said he told them to never take him on the road again. He said they were going to do the shows in New York and New York only. He said he put a stop to traveling.
Howard said they're going to Miami next week. He said he's sure the studio will be nice. Robin asked if Bobo is going to go and hang out there. Bobo said he has to work. Howard said he's retired. Bobo said he does driving training.
Chris said that High Pitch Erik said that he's going and he might want to talk to him about that. He said he asked if he wanted a ride down because he has a police siren to get through traffic fast. Howard said they'll be there Monday through Wednesday.
Howard said his wife wants to go out to eat. He said he wants to eat in the room. He said Beth wants to go out though so he's going to do it.
Robin asked if he's really going to hang with Wolfie. Howard said he's not sure but he wants to do something with the guys. He said he might consider hanging by the pool for a couple of hours. Wolfie said that would be cool. He said he figured they'd just see him through the glass booth. Chris said that would be awesome. Howard said maybe they'll see Andy Cohen there.
Howard said he was pushing so hard back at the company. He said Andy is enough. He said he's a big deal. He said he was thinking about going to the roof and waving to the guys. Robin said he's not kidding.
Howard said he was thinking about doing something like hanging at the pool. He said the last time he was there in Miami he sat by the pool. He said Jay Z may have been there. He said he was there and Beyonce and Jay Z were there. He said they had bodyguards with them. He said they were guarding her even when she was in the pool.
Robin said she was there once and Naomi Campbell came out to sun bathe. She said she had 4 men guarding her. She said they were in suits. Howard said that's what it was like with Jay Z. He said it must be tough to live like that. Howard said he wanted to go for a walk on the beach. He said he was almost jumped by the Paparazzi. He said they wanted to get him in his bathing suit. He said he thought he needed body guards then.
Wolfie said they may have JD at the pool but not Jay Z. Jason asked if he met Rihanna there. Howard said that was somewhere else. He said he met Jay Z and he introduced him to ''his artist'' Rihanna. He said that's the story there. Howard said Rihanna came out and just stood there. He said it was kind of cool. He said he had to get himself an artist after seeing that.
Jason said they're going to take Ronnie out to dinner one night. Howard said he's probably just going to sit in his room. He said he's going to just sit there. He said he has to work on the shows. He said he's not even sure what he has to work on though. Howard played the promo again for the big shows from Miami.
Howard said if he hears music there it's going to be a nightmare. He said it's going to be everything Howard hates in one place. He did his announcer voice and made more of his own promo for this trip. He said it's going to be Howard unleashed in Miami.
Howard said Ronnie will be there. He said he's not going to go out to dinner with him. He said he didn't go out when he was there. Ronnie said he used to. He said he stopped that. Howard said he may go wild and drink 2 cups of hot water instead of just 1. He said when they called him a few months ago about this he was wondering what dumb thing they were doing. He said he doesn't understand why they put studios in Miami. He said he's sure it'll be great though. He said he's a company man so he's going. He said he'll give it his all. Ronnie said he will too.
Howard said this is the moment no one has been waiting for. He was doing another fake promo in his deep voice.
Howard said yesterday after the show he was a nervous wreck. He said he was thinking about shitting out of his mouth and all of that.
Howard read through some of the feedback he got about this doody problem. He had a lot of advice from fans and people talking about the conversation they had.
Howard said someone sent him a link to a poop knife tool. He said he's going the old fashioned way and just using a stick. He said he refuses to use a poop knife. He said it's a real thing.
Howard said the fans were sending voicemails about this too. He played some of those. He had one guy who said that Metamucil is the solution. He said he needs to take the powder. Howard said all of this was making him crazy.
Howard said one fan had that feculent vomiting thing. He played that clip where the guy told him what that was like. Howard said they called Jeff the Vomit guy about that and asked if he'd be into that. He asked if the guys think he would be. Robin said yes, Chris said no. Ronnie said yes. Howard played a clip of Jeff talking about how he would be into that. He said it can be washed off of him no matter what kind it is. He said he'll take all kinds. He said it has to be a hot female chick though. He said it's the way they go about doing it. He said he finds it erotic and decadent. He said it's always done something for his dick. They played a song that Jeff sang about loving vomit after that.
Chris said as long as it's women he's into it. Wolfie said that's not even the grossest thing he said yesterday. He said that he told him that he has mice living in his mattress. He said it's a colony of mice. Howard and Chris did their impressions of Jeff talking about that. Howard asked why he has mice. He said he feels bad for the mice because that guy is gross.
Wolfie said he noticed holes around his mattress and then saw mice droppings all over his room. He said then he heard them in the mattress scurrying around.
Howard said there's a crazy thing going on there in New York. He said they just appointed a Rat Czar there. He said this woman appears to have just answered an ad in the newspaper for this job. He had a clip of her talking about her new job. Howard said the rats are so bad there in the city that Steve Nowicki was telling him he ran over one on his skateboard. Steve said he almost threw the board out after that. He said the rats are all over the place. He said every trash bag has rats on them. Ronnie said that's nothing new. He said it's been like that. He said they just walk around and don't care.
Howard said this is Kathleen Corradi the rat czar. He played a clip of Kathleen talking about this job and how they're going to take care of the rat problem in New York. She said they're no longer going to tolerate them. She said they're going to send those rats packing. Robin said that was too jokey for her job.
Howard answered a knock at the door. it was fake Stone Cold Steve Austin who was talking about what he'd do about the rats there. Howard said he would kick their ass. Fake Steve said he can take care of this problem. Howard spent a few minutes with Steve talking about the rat problem before closing the fake door on him.
Howard said he has such respect for sanitation workers. He said he has seen these guys working and the bags are moving. He said they just pick them up with their heavy gloves and throw them in the truck. Steve said that the rats eat through the plastic cans. Bobo said he had rats in his attic. Howard said who cares. He hung up on him.
Howard said Sam got a ticket for putting her trash out 15 minutes early. He said they think that you give the rats a chance if you put it out too early. Sam said she thinks the ticket was 30 dollars. She said that you're just moving it from one location on the street to another. She said she had a rat in her home last year. She said it caused so much contention on her house. She said it was a nightmare. Howard asked if her husband was a help or did he just tell her to do something about it. Sam said they were fighting with each other over it. She said she lost sleep for days after that. She said they had to have traps out. Howard said if you have one you have more than one. Sam said she's dealing with a mouse problem now. She said she has to clean a lot every day. She said it's maddening. She said she opened her oven and there was mouse shit in the oven. Howard said oh god. Sam said she threw the food in the garbage. She said she was so disgusted. Chris did his impression of Jeff the vomit guy and said he would have eaten that.
Howard had some audio of Memet's old apartment where he had a rat problem. You could hear them squealing and scratching inside the walls.
Howard said there is a rat czar now. He said he hopes she's organized and knows that they need a massive clean up there. He said his friend went to Italy and they put trash underground so it's not on the streets. He said he hopes this woman can do something.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Joe Pesci. He said he'll take care of these fuckin' rats. Howard said he would be a great rat czar because he knows how to take care of rats. Howard spent a minute with fake Joe before closing the fake door on him.
Sam said she thinks that rats and mice won't live in the same place. She said she thinks there's something about that. Chris asked if that's some long standing treaty or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's an exterminator in the city and they get calls for rats coming in through the toilet. He said they crawl up through the sewer. Howard said they don't care about the water apparently. The caller, James, said they had one on the 19th floor of a building once. Howard said the next pandemic will problem come from rats. He asked James what this woman has to do. James said there are so many things. He said there is no controlling it. He said that there are a lot of things that they can do but the building owners have to get on board with it.
Howard asked if the rats have gotten worse with the outdoor dining. James said that it can be an issue. He said there are probably rat colonies under those areas. Sam said that she saw a racoon just hanging out with people in the park the other day. Howard said it may have been rabid. He said they should be afraid to come out during the day. He asked what happened to bed bugs. He said you don't hear about them anymore. James said they still get calls but it's not as bad as it was. He said he thinks that people are more aware of it and get on it right away.
Howard said they had a guy come in with his dogs to sniff them out. He said he had bed bugs in the limo. He said he was afraid he had them in his apartment so he had this guy come in.
Howard said the bed bugs are happy about this rat problem because no one is paying attention to the bed bugs. Howard asked if there's any good that rats do. James said not at all. Howard asked how they can just get rid of them. He said we have to have something that they can poison them with.
Howard said they need to come up with some kind of supersonic sound to get rid of them. Steve said they have that but it doesn't get rid of them.
Howard said he had mice living in his desk when he worked at WNBC. Robin said she remembers walking to the subway once with Howard and a rat ran between his legs. She said she screamed. Howard said he took care of her that day. He said he leapt into her arms and she had to carry him.
Howard said he used to have this desk at WNBC and he had to ask Fred to get rid of the mice in there. He said he's not sure what he did with them. Fred said he took them to the trash. He said he had mice in his apartment many years ago. He said he found a mouse with his face stuck in a glue trap.
Howard said that's the story about the rat czar. He said he has to get back to the doody story. He said Dr. Agus told him to stay the course. He said he told him about not going for 2 days. He said he was so stressed out by the stories yesterday that he took a nap and woke up and he had to go to the bathroom. He said his wife was waiting to go for a walk but he had something brewing down there. He said he was pacing in the bathroom. He said he ended up making a doody like old times. He said it was fabulous. He said it came out perfect. He said it wasn't rabbit pellets. He said he was going to send Robin a picture. Ronnie said he should have sent it to him. Howard said really? Chris said he would have liked to have seen that. Howard said it was a nice size but nothing crazy. He said Dr. Agus knows his stuff. He said he knew it would be okay.
Howard said it was pretty good to get that out. He said no one was happier than him yesterday. He said he was so happy. He said he put his arm around his wife and it was like a Metamucil commercial. He said he ate 3 this morning instead of 2. Robin said he has to cut back on them now. Howard said maybe he will. He said the other night he was eating apples and cucumbers. He said Dr. Agus told him to do that. He said he just didn't want to end up with feculent vomit. He said he was picturing himself like Ronnie pulling shit out of his ass. He said he doesn't want to end up like that. He said he didn't want to go out asking for gloves and a doody cutter. He said he's a very famous person and he's not going to ask where the stool softeners are.
Howard said in his mind he's like a young DJ. He said imagine the reality there. He said this young girl is going to see an old geezer there asking for stool softener. Fred played Beavis and Butt-Head laughs. Wolfie said he'd end up on TMZ buying stool softener.
Howard said Ronnie scared the shit out of him with his story. Ronnie said literally. Howard said he had to just suck it up and have a movement there. Robin asked if it took any extra effort at all. Howard said he had to just let it fall out of his ass. He said it wasn't all dried up. He said it looked great just like the old me.
Howard thanked Robin for the advice. He said he has to thank Ronnie and God of course. He thanked Dr. Agus and his nutritionist too. He said he wants to thank water and Metamucil first and foremost. He said the only thing he wants to say is he hopes he doesn't relapse. Howard said he wants to thank his wife too. He said he has to thank Beth. He thanked his agent Don too. He said he has to thank Jennifer Witz and Scott Greenstein from SiriusXM. He said they understood he was going through a lot. He said they knew to give him the room. He didn't thank Fred because he gave him no advice at all.
Howard said Tucker Carlson and guys like that forget that they're just another brick in the wall. He said they all forget that. He said they're all just worker bees. He said he doesn't think he's more important than the guy who owns the place. Robin said she thinks that guys like Tucker think they can say anything because they're talk show hosts. Howard said Rupert will tell him what to say if he has to. He said they'll get rid of you no matter how important you think you are.
Robin said that one of the sons left that company for a while and he came back. She said they must have asked him back or whatever but he's back now. She said the thing is that he's the guy who has the scruples. She said if he doesn't like something he'll get rid of you. She said he's the guy who made the call on Tucker apparently. Howard said if Rupert was his dad he'd go along with whatever. He said that guy has billions. He said he'd go right along with the election rigging thing if his dad told him to. He said he'd be into any crazy thing he wants to do. He said he'll help pull the shit out of his ass.
Howard said he went into a meeting with Rupert once. He said they wanted him to do a late night show on FOX. He said they had a bunch of people in the meeting. He said Rupert had 4 televisions behind him. He said he had ABC, NBC, CBS and FOX on them. He said he was keeping an eye on all of the networks. He said they have that Australian accent and you can't understand a word they say. He said Rupert told him that things were going to be great.
Howard said he just stayed on stupid radio after that meeting. He said he had no clue what they were saying with that accent. He said he has no problem with that Australians but that accent was something else.
Howard said he think that Joan's husband committed suicide after producing her show at FOX. He said that he didn't want that kind of pressure. He said he knew it wouldn't work out if he went there. Howard said he didn't know what was going to be over there. He said they asked what he would do there if he got the show. Howard said he didn't know what to tell them because he had nothing.
Howard said he's not sure what would have happened there. He said he's sure in the first 3 months it would have been really rocky. He said he'd have to build a new audience. He said it would have been rough.
Robin said she read that Tucker Carlson didn't have any major sponsors but he was good at selling the whole franchise that it was more about the 3 million followers than anything.
Howard was doing his impression of Rupert Murdoch talking to him. He said that he didn't know what the fuck he was doing there. Robin said the door there was swinging. She said they went through a few people. Howard said he didn't feel he was communicating well with them. He said he was smart to not get into that.
Howard said you have to play the game when you have a job like that. He said people think that he's a rebel but he was only one to a point. He said he can't go completely berserk. He said he can't pull out his own feces on air. He said you still have to play the game and answer to the man. He said we all have a boss in this world. He said the actual boss doesn't have a boss. He said Rupert Murdoch doesn't have a boss. Robin said he has to deal with governments and stuff but they can't fire him. Howard said Jeff Bezos doesn't have a boss. He said he's the boss. He said he knows that Jeff doesn't need him and he can get rid of him if he works for him.
Howard said he was friends with Brad Grey who was running Paramount. He said he had to go down to meet with Sumner Redstone and bend over and take it in the ass... not literally but he had to have those meetings. He said that everyone serves somebody. Howard said he has to take a break. He said James Corden will come by to talk about leaving his late night show. He said he has to have a discussion with him about that. He said he's a fan of late night TV. He said he has an impression that doing a late night show has become a pain in the ass for him. He said he wants him to come in and answer his questions. He did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said rest in peace Leslie West. He said the first person Leslie played this album for was Jimi Hendrix. He said it's a classic.
Robin said she was thinking about Leslie the other day and wondering he hasn't let them know how it is on the other side. Howard said he hasn't yet. He said he was very chatty when he was around.
Howard said he heard some news that Richard Lewis has Parkinson's disease now. He said he got upset about that. He said he's not on death's door but he's going to retire. He said that he saw the headline about how he's finished. He said he's finished with stand up. He said he'll continue to work with Larry David though. He said he has a clip of Richard talking about that but he's not sure if he should play it because it's depressing. Robins said they have a lot of treatments for that now. Howard played the clip of Richard talking about how he found out he has Parkinson's. Howard said now all day he'll be thinking he has it.
Howard went through Harry's career and talked about his hit songs and things. He said that OJ sang some of his ''Day O'' song on his Instagram. He played a clip of OJ doing that. OJ didn't have much to say other than god bless Harry Belafonte.
Howard read some details about Harry's life and Robin told a story about seeing him once at the building they used to work in.
Howard sang ''Day O'' as OJ singing about Nicole not coming home and being in their Grave O. He said that guy is living his best life. He said that he's keeping himself out there so people don't forget about him.
Howard said he has to take a break and get to James Corden. He went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and introduced James Corden who is leaving The Late Late Show this week.
Howard said he has a feeling he really loves musicians because he does Carpool Karaoke. He said that had to be a joy. James said he does love music. He said that's all you've got at the end of the day. He said you have love and music. He said he has a friend names Jez who says if you're really lucky you're born into a cocoon of love for about 5 years. He said then you go to school and one way or another the shit gets beaten out of you. He said you spend the next 35 years trying to prove to those people that they were wrong and look at what you've achieved. He said then you wake up and realize you're decaying and you're going to die. He said all you have is love and music after that. Howard said that sums it up perfectly. He said maybe you're happy for these first 5 years. He said he remembers being happy for about a second. He said he remembers the only thing in high school was music and listening to it in his room. He said it was his salvation.
James said that's why we have an intimate relationship with musicians and artists. He said they've been fortunate enough to be out with artists who mean a great deal to them. He said people love Howard and there's a difference with the way people act around musicians and other entertainers. He said there's a personal connection with music. He said it feels like those songs are there with you in your most private moments. He said you have a feeling no one has felt the way you feel.
Howard said musicians are at a different level than others. He said he has seen it. He said concerts are like going to church. James said that's it. He said Prince started a song off like church. He said that he was a big fan of his. He said it's a church like experience with him. James said walking down Penny Lane with Paul McCartney was the most surreal experience. He said he traffic just stopped for them. He said he has never seen that with anyone but it happened with Paul. He said it was just 50 cars stopped. He said people were coming up to him and not asking for selfies but they just wanted to thank him. He said they wanted to thank him for being there for them. He said it's an extraordinary thing they have for him.
Howard said he wrote a paper in high school about how the Beatles were like prophets. He said when they would say something it was something people listened to. He said it was powerful. James wondered if you can remove the music from church and if it would have the same power. He said probably not. He said there's something there about music. He said there is a reaction within you.
Howard said he interviewed Charlie Puth and he explained why certain chords affect people. He said it was a great explanation. James said he's pretty amazing. He said his son is a big fan of his. He said he's enthralled by it. He said he's impressed with anyone who has that kind of talent.
Howard said he can only imagine what it was like to go on vacation with Harry Styles. He said he could do a whole show just on that. He said that musicians are so insulated and they start to act a certain way. James said Chris Martin told a story about how their song ''Yellow'' was taking off and he was on vacation and asked Bono for some advice. He said Bono told him that if he goes to dinner and everyone is on your payroll then you might have become a prick. He said that was his advice for him.
James said he remembers going to a party before his show launched and they were unable to get guests. He said he went to the parties to make personal relationships. He said he had the show and they were a few months out. He said he was at the party and everyone was there. He said he knew a couple of people there. He said then Prince arrived and he couldn't believe it. He said it was inconceivable to him. He said Prince was in a corner of the room. He said that Paul McCartney was there pogoing on the dance floor. He said he was thinking about how one was in the corner and the other one was dancing in the middle. He said they were both up there at the top. He said he asked Paul what he thought about that. He said Paul said you have to remain a person and a citizen. He said there is a tax on you when you become famous and you have to pay it. He said Paul said he walks to the same coffee shop. He said if you go at the same time then you see the same people. He said you become less of a shock to people. He said that's the most important thing to do to be the same.
Howard said he's so right. He said once you start calculating then you're not living your life anymore and you become a recluse. James said he can't imagine having that kind of fame. He said Billie Eilish was on the show last night and they had 110,000 people at a concert she played. He said he can't imagine going from that to a hotel room. He said it's a very different type of tame. He said he gets why it can mess you up.
Howard said he has asked musicians about why they do drugs and it's because they need that high after doing a concert in front of so many people. He said he asked Jim Carrey why he got divorced and he said something about how he was doing movies and stuff and then he'd come home and his wife would ask him to take the trash out. He said it was hard to make that jump.
Howard brought up the Harry Styles vacation thing and asked what that was like. James said he is so special as a human that you don't worry about anything. He said that is someone who wants to embrace the world he's living in at the best he can. He said he's been on vacation with him a couple of times. He said he made a pact to only eat when he eats and only work out when he works out. He said he's going to eat what he eats too. He said he thought it would have a positive impact on him. He said he did that for 36 hours and he was done. He said once he has a drink he has to have a drink and fries.
Howard asked where they went. James said they went to St. Barths and places like that. He said it was a great trip. He said they had a great new year's and it was all great.
Howard said he hates to be around other famous people because he wants the attention when he's out. He said he can't imagine going out with a Harry Styles. James said a little bit of humbling is great. Howard said he has enough humbling in his head. James said people would come up to them and he gets it. He said this is arguably the most desirable man on the planet. He said that he would take the photos for people. He said then he'd hand them their camera back. He said he thinks that's a positive thing in your life. Howard said he's not going to take your picture for you. He said he can't do that.
James said if he's walking down the street with Seth Meyers and they asked him to take a picture of him with that person then he might get upset. He said that when it's someone like Bruce Springsteen you just do it. He said he gets that.
Howard said he likes it when people pay attention to him. He said he would go out with Kimmel and people wouldn't pay attention to him. He said now he's very famous and they pay more attention to him. He said he won't walk around with him now. He said it's a different thing.
Howard said James has said he wanted to interview Paul Simon and never got to. Howard said he's the same way. He said his music is so great. James told a story about how he and his family would go on vacation and one year they went for 2 weeks and got rain for 10 days. He said the next year they drove around to different places. He said they are some of his most joyous memories. He said his dad was a musician and his dad and dad's dad were musicians. He said the album they played a lot was Graceland. He said they would sing every single word of that album. He said that album might be perfect. He said there's a song called Gum Boots and it's got some great lyrics in it. He said it sums up how a 14 year old unattractive boy feels at that age. He said it's so optimistic. Howard said we've all lived that. He said he sums it all up in one sentence.
Howard said he once ran into Paul Simon in a bathroom and he left him alone. He said he tried to get him on the show a couple of times but he hasn't.
Howard said when James was doing Carpool Karaoke he wondered if he would like the artist to just start singing. He said he had to sit there and sing for them to get them to sing. Howard said he must have wanted them to just sing. James said that's the thrill of it for him. He said the thrill of it was to get someone in the car with him. He said he was in the car with the Red Hot chili Peppers. He said he and his friends would drive around playing music. He said they'd sing their music in the car and being in the car with them and singing with them was just ridiculous. He said this was so insane to him. He said he did have to show and over exuberance for their songs. He said at the start they didn't know what to do. He said these people are constantly surrounded by people. He said they were suddenly in a car and alone with someone they don't know and fixed cameras. He said they were going to sing along with their own songs. He said they start with the hits. He said for the first few months it was confusing for them. He said that they did the one with Stevie Wonder and once they saw that they got it.
Howard said when he had the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the show it was something. He said he thinks Flea is one of the top 3 bass players in the world. He said it's insane. James said when you see him live it's something else. He said that he's got such a presence. He said he would just roll along with it. He said he saw them last summer and he couldn't take his eyes off of them all. He said it was amazing.
Howard said sitting in the car with them he must have been bowled over. He said their drummer is amazing too. He said Anthony makes a song come to life too. He said it's quite remarkable. James said he has something that all of the great performers have got. He said he's got this unquantifiable thing. He said it's true in personal life too.
James said he was doing shows in London and he had his parents out to breakfast. He said Anthony Keidis was there in the corner trying to hide himself. He said he wasn't dressed up but you know he's there. He said it's just something he has.
Howard asked if the Stones did anything with him. James said he tried very hard but they did not. He said they had a long chat about this years ago. He said they were putting out an album maybe 5 years ago. He said maybe 6. He said he thinks that he was under some pressure to do something to promote the album. He said he thinks he had to do one TV appearance. He said he got on the phone with him. Howard said he's talking about Mick Jagger. He said he can't even bring up his name. James said he had a long chat with him and he had to tell the booker that he thought he got him. He said that they had a really good chat. He said that it would be edited and all of that and he thought he had him. He said three days later he was told he wasn't going to do it. Howard asked where he ended up going. James said he has no idea. He said it didn't cross his mind to look into it. Howard said he got about 15 minutes with him. He said he had him on the show. James said he should do the show for an hour. He said he could not wish for a greater and more respectful interview than Howard.
Howard said that's how he felt about Bruce Springsteen. He said he couldn't believe it was even happening. He said Bruce was just playing for him. He said it was something else. James said he watched that whole special on HBO. He said he loved it. He said he's sure people are listening and wondering why it's so special. He said it really is special though.
James said he went out to dinner and saw Bruce from behind and he was blown away he was in the same place. He said he gets it that Howard was so excited.
Howard said the pressure is that you want the person to have a good time doing it. He said you want to help them out. He said it's almost a relief when it's all over. He said you want them to feel good about it.
James said they did Carpool with Bruno Mars. He said he thinks he's right up there. He said he knew if they got him they'd have a good time. He said he had all of these hits at the time. He said when they finished he got really down thinking that he didn't want to do that again. He said he didn't want to do that again. Howard said he can't believe he said that. He said that he has felt like that. He said you put all of this into an interview and then it's a mind fuck. He said you want to have more conversations with this person and think there's a closeness there but it's not real. James said that's how he feels with Howard. He said he thinks he could call Robin up to have dinner and she'd go but not Howard. He said he has done interviews with Howard and they're his favorites. He said he loves to speak to Howard. He said he thinks he has created the success of podcasts. He said he thinks it's down to him. He said he can't just call and ask how he's doing. Howard said he feels the same way with people. He said he's a fucking drag. He said he feels like he's a drain. James said even at his most draining he's still deeply fascinating. He said that he's sure they'd have a good time.
Howard said he wants to know what the late night scene is like now. He said he feels that he's leaving because it's not all it's cracked up to be. He said that it's so saturated now that it has to be tough. He said the networks don't value them as much either. He said he only wants to make his show bigger and better. He said he wants his show to grow in a way that the audience gets more and more turned on. He said the networks are cutting budgets. He said they don't have as many people watching at 12:30 at night. He said this gets to the point where it's just fucked up. He said they're fucking with him too much. He said he thinks that's what's going on.
James said that's not the way things are for him at all. He said that could not be more removed from the way he feels. He said he's never thought about it that way. He said he's done so much on his show and he gets to do so many amazing things. He said they have some great bits going out this week. He said they're lucky they have been able to monetize their show outside of the traditional show. He said he's probably the wrong person to speak to about the longevity of late night. He said he has never looked at the show like that. He said he doesn't even think about being on at 12:30. He said his dad looked at him funny when he was told that they were on at 12:30.
James said he and his boss at the show talked about his leaving. He said that they gave it some real thought. He said he had a great contract offer. He said he tries not to think about it. Howard said Rosie O'Donnell was talking about how much she was making at her show and she just stopped. He said she said she had enough money and she didn't need to keep doing it. He asked how you say no to a really good financial offer. He asked who he talks to about that. He said his agent must have told him to take the deal. James said he knows what he means but he tries not to think about it now. He said they figured out what the time line would be and all of that. He said no one has ever come to him and said they can't do something. He said they have been able to fly. He said they have been able to do so much.
Howard said they say he was offered $50 million to stay there. He said he knows that's a lot of money. He said that's a tremendous amount of money. James said it's hard to quantify that. He said the decision to leave the show is based on so many factors. He said it's hard. He said he and his wife talked about this 4 or 5 years ago. He said their son is in school and to move a 14 or 15 year old around is tough. He said even moving coast to coast is unfair. He said it felt unfair to them. He said that they had to make this decision. He said they have two daughters and they had to stay there or leave. He said that is the absolute crux of the decision. He said they had to figure out where they wanted to raise the kids. He said that his family has gone along with him for 13 years or so now. He said that they really felt this during COVID. He said there were some health things that came along and there were too many signs there telling them to go home. He said he can't think about the financial aspects of this. He said it makes his chest tight thinking about it. He said time with his parents and to be able to call his dad and just go out to lunch with him is something he can't ever get back. He said to miss out on that based on money does not feel like a good decision. He said he feels like time is playing tricks on him and he has to do something. He said he feels like his son learned to ride a bike yesterday. He said he has to jump now or who knows when. He said that's what it came down to. He said it is a lot to walk away from. He said that he gets why people stick around. He said it's the best job he's ever had. He said it's a good reason to leave though. He said he has nothing but pride and gratitude in what he did.
Howard said he can't imagine that decision making process. He said his last show is tomorrow night. James said they're doing a show at 10 and then one at 12:30. Howard asked if it's going to be a retrospective. James said as much as they can cram into 12 minutes. Howard said he loves some of the routines he has done. He said he went through some of his bits and they did some great stuff. He said he would do a retrospective.
Howard asked James about the plan for the move. He said he's going to sell the house in L.A. He asked if the house is up for sale now. James said it is. Howard said this is for real then. James said it is.
Howard said he's going to move back to London then. James said you never know what the right thing to do is. He said you may have regrets. Howard said he must really hate L.A. James said not at all. He said he loves living there. He said there are more creative people per square mile than anywhere else. Howard said he wants his kids around his family in England. He said the L.A. scene is very competitive too so he gets why he'd want to get the kids out of there. James said they live in a nice area out there but he can see why people would think that.
Howard said what's his fantasy after moving back to England. He asked if he wants to do TV or what. James said he rally doesn't know. He said he shot a show for Amazon called Mammals. He said it's written by a guy who wrote some great movies and plays. He said he really enjoyed doing that. He said he doesn't know what he wants to do. He said he wants to write some stuff. He said he has done that before and he's excited to just have a new idea. Howard asked him not to start an OnlyFans or something. James said he can't promise him anything at this moment. He said that would be far more profitable than anything CBS can offer him.
Howard said this drives him crazy. He said there was something about The Whale and how he was offered the role or something. He said that would have been the role of a lifetime. James said that was a long time ago. He said Tom Ford wrote him an email one day and he asked him to play the part. He said the script was very good and he loves Tom Ford. He said he was blown away. He said there was a discussion about it but then Tom dropped out of the film. He said it never got far enough that he thought it was happening. He said nothing was really set up. He said it was really far away from being made. He said the film that was made is exactly the film that should have been made. He said he would feel differently if someone else had made it. He said it was so far away that he doesn't have any feelings about it. He said he really loves Brendan in that film. He said his story is the most uplifting story. He said what he has done there is amazing.
Howard said he mentioned that when he started his show he couldn't get any guests. Howard asked who the first guest was that he got that made it like a turning point for him. James said Tom Hanks. Howard said he acted out all of his movie roles. He asked if that was the first thing they did. James said that was their first show. He told the story about how they got Tom on the show thanks to their booker. He said that they came up with the idea for the bit they did. He said they did a bit similar to that with Natalie Portman last night. He said they still do that bit on the show.
Howard asked if they ever tried to get Letterman on the show because they had his booker. James said he never did the show. He said he won't say anything about their prime time special though. Howard said wow, look at you. Howard said he has a lot to pack in for this show. He said he's thinking about all of the things he's done.
Howard said he sees that bit he did about the Spill Your Guts thing. He said that on his last show he thinks he should answer every question he refused to answer. James said there's not a chance of that. Howard said he thinks he should do that. He said here are some of the questions. He said they asked who has been the worst behaved guest on the show. James said he doesn't even have a name. He said he really can't think of someone. Howard said he must have disliked someone. James said no. Howard said he has to have someone who didn't answer questions or want to talk to him. James said they really haven't had that. He said it's a different kind of show when they have all of the guests on at the same time. He said there's less pressure to perform when you do that. He said those people get a kick out of being together.
Howard said he never knew how he did that. He said he had Oprah on with someone. James said it was Reese Witherspoon and someone else. Howard said he could never do that. He said he'd have so many questions for Oprah alone. He said that he couldn't ignore her while talking to Reese. He said maybe it was Mindy Kaling who was on with them. He wondered how he can leave Oprah there twiddling her thumbs while paying attention to the others. He said it's a weird format.
James said Graham Norton has a great talk show in England. He said he does a great job in 45 minutes. He said they have all the guests on at the same time and it works. He said he has been on and he knows that he's at the bottom of the pecking order but they have fun doing it. He said that's what they do there. He said if he had to do a 45 minute show without breaks like Graham does that would be different. He said the guy is amazing to watch. Howard said it really is an art. He said he has found that many of the famous people he knows like to have the focus on them. He said it's a touch juggling act. He said he has that as another accomplishment. James said he loves it when they have two people who spark together. He said they had Bill Hader, Ben Kingsley and Zac Efron on the show at the same time. He said Bill Hader was pretending to be a shark after Zac told a story about a shark. He said then Ben was trying to save Zac from the shark. He said it was very interesting.
Howard said James didn't answer when they asked him to rank the other late night hosts. He said he understands why he wouldn't answer that. James said that's why the segment works. He said you can't have soft questions.
Howard said he thinks about those late night guys and how great they are. He said Colbert's monologue is masterful. He said they all have their special talents. He said they have all added to the tapestry of late night.
James said he read both of Bill Carter's books about the late night wars. He said they're brilliant. He said he was reading them and his wife had just given birth to their daughter. He said they had to wait for 3 months to get a passport. He said he was reading the books thinking this is a competitive atmosphere. He said he was freaking out about it. He said he didn't know what he was getting into. He said the truth is that network TV has changed from back then. He said he can understand why they were doing it back then. He said that they were ranking them in the ratings. He said the funniest thing Letterman said was the day he got bored of this job he'd leave it 10 years later. He said that late night TV is very different now. He said that the guys who are in late night have been on each other's shows. He said they wouldn't have done that 20 years ago. He said they had Jimmy Kimmel and Fallon change shows for a night on April Fools. He said that's crazy.
Howard said he thought it was nuts that the two Jimmys get along. He said they were really good to one another. He said it taught him a lot though. He said he was caught up in the anger in the morning radio show wars. He said it's nice to have someone you like in the same job.
Howard said James must have gotten annoyed when guests went to the other shows. James said that was very rare. He said that they are very competitive with guests. He said they knew where they were in the pecking order. He said they were painfully aware of that. He said they would follow everyone if they had to. He said pre-internet it was tough to know what someone was up to. He said you could get them on the show 7 months after the last time they were seen. He said now they show themselves all the time on social media. He said it's not the same thing now.
Howard said James has done 1200 shows. He said he's sure it will live on over at YouTube and stuff like that. James said he'd guess. Howard asked if he got to socialize with Paul McCartney at all after getting to know him. James said not really. He said he has seen him out. He said he is so in awe of him. He said he tries to play it cool but he's never quite there. He said he's never been out to dinner or anything but he is nothing but lovely to him. Howard said he's had him on many times and asked him to come over but it's too weird. James said imagine the pressure of having him over. Howard said Billy Joel tells a great story about that. He said he had Paul over and he ran all over the house throwing out the meat and stuff because Paul is a vegetarian. James said that shows the power of the Beatles. He said it freaked out Billy Joel. He said he'd freak out if he was hanging out with Billy. He said he can't imagine what that would be like. He said if he had Billy over he'd ask him to have a drink and he'd probably start humming one of his songs.
Howard said Billy has been over to his home. He said he has told him to have a piano there. Howard said he doesn't play though. He said one time he rented one and had Billy over. He said it was a bold move. He said he eventually played for them. He said he did play it. He said he rented it just for him to play it. James said he really should have a piano in his house.
Howard asked if he can write a song. James said not at all He said his son loves guitar and bass. He said his son asked him if he can miss practice. He said his greatest regret is not learning piano. He said he wanted to play but not learn to play. He said it takes a lot of discipline. He said that he told his son Max that he won't hear this in his life that someone wishes they couldn't play an instrument. He said this is the time to learn.
Howard said he had piano lessons and all he wanted to do was be like the Dave Clark 5. He said he went out and got an electric piano. He said he could have been Eddie Van Halen if he had spent some time. James said he can play some chords if he practices but that's it. He said he can't play a lot but he can play just enough. He said he knows where a song is going. Howard said he had a friend who could play like that. He said he was like Richard Gere when he'd start to play. He said he feels stupid not being able to play.
Howard said he thinks about the things James has done like sky diving with Tom Cruise. He said he doesn't even want to go to Miami for the new studio reveal. Howard said James has done a lot of stuff like that. He said that the bit he never got to do was spend an entire day in a glass booth billboard with J-Lo. He asked if that was his idea. James said it was his idea. He said she had a big documentary and there was going to be a big billboard for it. He said he wanted to do something around that. He said she had been on the show a bunch of times. He said he wanted to suspend a glass box over the billboard and they'd live in it for a day. He said they'd be in it the whole day. He said they'd have a couch and just hang out with cameras in there. He said something changed in her diary and they weren't able to make it happen. Howard said it would have been fun. James said they were going to see if they could get Ben Affleck to pop in for a half hour and things like that.
Howard asked how he broke the news to the staff about leaving. James said it's not something you can do with levity. He said he wanted for it not to be a surprise. He said he wanted to give them time to put things in place for new opportunities. Howard asked if he knows anyone who won't be able to find another job. James said not at all. He said he has a great team there. He said 85 or 90 percent of the team has been there since day 1. He said there are people there who will go on to do extraordinary things. Howard asked if anyone was mad at him. James said no. Howard said he has to break up this whole thing now. He said he worked hard at making it what it is. James said everyone knew why he was leaving and it's all so nuanced. He said it's very complex. He said that it's not just him wanting to do other things. He said they're going to say goodbye tomorrow night. Howard asked if it's live. James said it's not live. He said they're doing it on the same day. He said they'll tape them both tomorrow.
James said they have a big thing they do with Tom Cruise on the prime time show. He said they have done some big things with him. He said Tom mentioned that they thing he wanted to do was a live musical. He said he and Tom will do a musical. He said they did this for real. He said they performed in the touring production of The Lion King together. Howard said they take on roles in this musical. James said they do. He said they did this without the audience knowing it was them. He said they have some fun stuff coming up on their last show too. He said he thinks Howard will enjoy it.
Howard said he and Adele have become good friends too. James said they have. He said they met before he was even in late night. James said it's like a family connection. He said he really loves her. Howard said it must be weird when she breaks big after just being a friend. James said he couldn't have been less shocked. He talked about how amazing her album was. He said it was so clear to him. He said there's a big difference between her personal life and her professional life. He said she's a generational talent. Howard said the Carpool Karaoke he did with her is over 260 million views.
Howard asked if he knew Amy Winehouse. James said no but she did get sick on his friend's arm once. He wasn't there for that but that's as close as he got.
Howard said this is a big deal. He said he's ending it all tomorrow night. He said he's ready to hang it up. Robin asked if he has a giving process at all. James said he's going to be a mess tomorrow. He said he and Jimmy Kimmel were talking about how they're the only ones who cry. He said that he's going to be a mess. Howard said don't cry. James said he's not sure how he won't. He said he's not sure how he'll keep a hold of it.
Howard said they'll just play the clip over and over again if he cries. James said Michael Jordan is the best basketball player of all time and someone took his whole career and made him crying a meme. He said if it can happen to him it can happen to anyone.
Howard asked if he's going to the King Charles coronation. James said he's not. He said he didn't get an invite. James said that he has a lot of respect for the King. He said he has been asked if he's going and he's not sure why he would be there. Howard said he's English, that's it. Howard said he may tune in for it but he really doesn't care.
Howard said congratulations on his great accomplishment. He said he has so many funny bits that he's done. He said he has done a fine job. He said he didn't even want to be on late night but he went with it and adapted. He said he succeeded in it too. He said walking away on his own terms is a miracle too. James said he's very proud of it. Howard gave James some plugs for his final shows that are airing tomorrow on CBS.
Howard said he's excited for him to go off and learn piano. He said he can come back and play for them when he learns. James said that he'll be back in 17 years.
James said that these interviews were so great over the years. He said he has enjoyed every one. Howard said he looks forward to them. He wished him luck and let him go. Robin said this is not goodbye.
Howard said he meant to ask if James is doing Ozempic. He said he looks good. He said that slipped his mind. He said he's signing off. He said that's it for James. Robin said he has been able to sit through this whole interview and he didn't crack at all. She said he seems to have it all taken care of emotionally. Howard said people look at his face and lose all emotion. Howard said James is a truly nice guy.
Howard said everyone who cut an exciting ID for them was over 80. He said he's not sure how old Charro is but George Takei cut one too. He played a couple of those. Howard said he has to pack a bag and bring some clothes. He said his assistant has his Metamucil ready to go.
Howard played a bunch of pormos and said he still doesn't understand why he has to go down there. He said he doesn't know why they think it's going to be so great. He said Robin will be hearing from him off the air complaining about the whole thing. He said Beth said she'd help him pack. He said he had Ralph buy him a garment bag. He said it's too small. He said he's not sure why he got him this little thing. He said he'll bring it on the air for Robin to see.
Howard said he wanted a big garment bag but Ralph got him this tiny thing. He said it's so tiny. He said Beth said she's not sure his jackets will even fit in it. He said Ralph is probably angry he's not going to Miami. He said he's not really getting dressed up for the show. He said he has never seen a garment bag so small.
Chris said that he's not sure what's going on but a while back Ralph was posting about his garment bags and how he uses them for his ''clients.'' Howard asked what clients. Howard said they're horrible. He said he's not sure what he's talking about. Chris assumed that it was Howard that he was talking about. Howard said he did say he dressed someone at some point. He said he did ask him to get this garment bag for him. He said it's too small though.
Chris said maybe his other client was a dwarf or something .Robin said maybe his other client was Hasbulla. Howard said maybe it was.
Howard said he should get the garment bag. He said he will bring it on next week. He said he really doesn't want to go down there. He said he will get to see the boys. He said his wife will do some shopping so people won't be able to say he has her locked in the house. He wrapped up the show and ended it around 10:50am.