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Howard asked what animal it is. Wendy said she thinks it's a fox. Howard said he enjoys eating fox too. He asked if she ever has more than one. Wendy said she has several. Howard asked how many she can have in a sitting. Wendy said she'd say maybe 4. Howard said what she has to drink with that. Wendy said she has soda with it.
Howard told Wendy that her meals are about 2000 calories. She had guessed it was only about 1000. Howard asked how far the McDonald's is from her. Wendy said it's close to Walmart. Howard asked when she found out they're canceling the McRib. Wendy said a week ago. Howard asked if she was so upset that she called for the manager. Wendy said yes she did. She said she told him that they're not taking it away from her and they better bring it back. Howard asked if she said she wanted to continue eating fox. Wendy said she did. Howard said he thinks a fox is such a cut animal. He said he can't believe she'd eat a fox.
Howard asked what the manager said to her. Wendy said he said oh well and they had to listen to whoever told them to get rid of it. Howard asked if it was a popular item. Wendy said it was and she saw people eating them. Howard asked if she has ever considered getting a hunting license and hunt fox herself. Wendy said she has.
Howard said he talked to Wolfie and he heard that she ordered a Dave's Single from Wendy's and she had that with chili and a potato and a Mountain Dew with that. Howard said maybe she's eating too much. He said she might want to keep her figure nice. He asked if doctors have suggested getting just one sandwich. Wendy said they have.
Howard said he has another angry consumer on the phone who is upset about this as well. He said this is Rooster. He asked him what he has to say about this. Rooster said he's pissed too. He said them taking it off the shelf is like clipping the nuts to a stud horse. Howard asked why he thinks they're doing it. Rooster said it's a marketing scheme. He said he thinks they're going to tease people and bring it back. He said anyone trying to get attention is them just trying to get publicity.
Howard said he thinks they're so cunning that they won't get rid of it. Rooster said he thinks they're not going to get rid of it. Howard said it's still on the web site to order. He said this is like Donald Trump claiming that if he's not elected that World War III will start if he's not elected. He said there is no problem but they're creating it. He said maybe the McRib is all a ploy to get her upset. Howard said it would be horrible to do that to Wendy.
Howard asked Wendy if she's addicted to this thing. Wendy said yes she is. Robin asked how often she has them. Wendy said maybe twice a week. Howard said that's more than just one so she may go through 9 in that week. Wendy said yes. Howard said it's only made from the finest parts of the fox.
Howard took a call from ''Wendy the Slow Adult Also'' (Fake Wendy) who was talking about the food she's getting that was free to her. Real Wendy told her to shut the fuck up. They went back and forth like that for a minute.
Howard said this is actually Wendy the Slower Adult. He said she's slower than Wendy. Real Wendy said she'll destroy this Wendy if she ever meets her. The two Wendys went back and forth for a short time.
Howard asked fake Wendy if she is more popular than Wendy the Slow Adult. She said yes but Real Wendy said that's not true and she'll shove her in the dumpster.
Howard asked real Wendy if this fake Wendy is trying to replace her. Wendy said she doesn't think so. She said she's going to take her out. Fake Wendy said she wants to shout out to her friends. She named Wendy's friends and real Wendy got upset with her for mentioning her friends. She said those are her friends and she better stay away from them.
Howard asked fake Wendy how she knows these people. She told Howard they go to Disney together. Fake Wendy started calling her a cunt and cursed her out.
Howard said he feels they've lit a slow fire under her. Howard said he knows that Wendy thinks her dad is living in her Chucky doll and she claims that she has seen him walking around. Wendy said that's true. Howard said he thinks that the movies are getting to her and she's believing stuff that's not real. He said he's nervous about that. Wendy said she understands that. Robin asked when her dad died. Wendy said in 2006. Wendy said he's been in the doll all this time. Fake Wendy said that she had the same thing happen and her dad is Freddy Krueger. Real Wendy said that's not true. She said Freddy is her's too.
Howard said he's going to let Wendy the Slower Adult go. He took a call from fake Arnold Schwarzenegger who told Wendy to forget about this garbage food and go to the gym. He said he can get her to look like Emily Ratajkowski in a month. He asked what she thinks about that. Wendy said yes to that. Howard said that would mean giving up the McRib. Wendy said she knows that and she heard him. Howard said alright. Arnold told her to try house cleaning and that might help her lose some weight.
Howard said he wants to announce that Wendy will be attending a horror convention where she's going to meet Robert Englund who played Freddy Krueger. Wendy said she can't wait for that. She said she's going to get a picture with him and she's going to have a good time. Fake Arnold said that's great to hear. He said that's really scary. Howard said he'd like her to look like Emily Ratajkowski by that time. Arnold said if she wants to stay with him he has a barn for her to sleep in. Howard closed the fake door on him.
Howard asked Wendy what she loves more and would she save a McRib or Robert Englund if she was on a sinking boat. Wendy said she'd save Robert. Howard said she would lose the McRib. Wendy said she's okay with that.
Howard said he just got a note from Ronald McDonald and he says that they're just hiding the McRib from Wendy. Wendy said okay to that too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how she's paying for this stuff. Howard asked where she does get the money for this. Wendy said she gets donations through her YouTube channel. The caller said that's rather revolting to think of but you do you.
Howard said the McRib did a farewell tour in 2005. He said it went away from 2012 to 2019 as well. He said he thinks it could be a marketing stunt. He said he can't prove it though. He said they may be doing this as a marketing thing. He said if it was a true failure they'd hide it away. He said this is what they do. He said they get people addicted to it and then take it away. He said he sees Wendy is upset.
Howard asked what happens if Wendy eats several at once. He asked if it's diarrhea or does it come out hard. Wendy said she has diarrhea. Howard asked what gives her worse shit, the McRib or the meal at Wendy's. Wendy said the Wendy's. Howard said there you go. He asked about her shitting and if it ever shoots out of her diaper and runs down the leg. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she ever just sits in it and eats. Wendy said yes. Robin asked if she eats at the restaurant. Wendy said yes she does.
Howard asked Wendy about the diarrhea and if she thinks the food is so good she won't clean up and just sits there. Wendy said he is correct. Howard asked if she has ever eaten so many McRibs that her diarrhea smells like a McRib. Wendy said yes to that too.
Howard asked if her mom ever tells her to clean up her diaper. Wendy said yes she does. Howard asked if she worries about her sandwich being left behind. Wendy was saying yes to everything. She said she brings wipes to the restaurant with her. Howard asked if she washes her hands. Wendy said she might rush back and not was her hands.
Howard asked Wendy if she ever leaves a little bit of diarrhea on her hands. Wendy said she does but then she wipes them off with baby wipes.
Howard took a call from the fake McDonald's manager who said that Wendy comes in and shits all over the floor there. He said it's like a barn yard in there. Howard said they're just hiding the McRib from her then. The fake manager said that's what they do. He said they had to install a power washer in the dining room because of her.
Howard said maybe she likes the McRib because it's soft and it's easier for her to eat without teeth. Wendy said yes to that.
Howard said he understands that she's upset about all of this. He said she's in love with the McRib. He asked what her favorite sandwich is out of all of them. Wendy said it's the McRib. Howard said people just don't understand that.
Howard asked if she still likes Pizza Hut. Wendy said she loves that too. She said she had it a month ago. She said she eats one pizza, pasta and bread sticks with sauce on the side. She was cracking herself up describing all of that.
Howard asked if Wendy is still there. She wasn't answering. She popped back on. Howard asked why she never talks about dessert. Wendy said she has that at home. She said she has to do that so she can use her chocolate syrup. She said she will get it there but then she brings it home. Howard asked how much she weighs now. Wendy said she's probably over 250 something. Howard said he believes that. He asked if she's still in a wheel chair. Wendy said she is and she uses her mom's walker too. She said she loses her balance. Howard said she used to walk everywhere. He said she was thin back then. He said now she's not exercising. Howard asked how difficult it is to shower. Wendy said she showers once a blue moon and it's really hard because her mom has to help her with the water and stuff. Robin asked how often once in a blue moon is. Wendy said she has to help with her ass and belly and stuff. Howard asked if she has a lot of folds she can't reach. Wendy said yes. She said her mom helps and puts the soap in there. She said she helps scrub her ass. Howard laughed.
Howard asked if she ever farts in her mother's face. Wendy said yes. Howard said her mother is a great lady. Wendy said she loves her mom. Howard said she's a real trooper. He said he hopes that she gets into heaven if there is such a thing. Wendy said she will.
Howard said he heard that she bought 35 3 Musketeers bars. He asked what her plans are for those. Wendy said she ate them.
Howard said she heard she had a second round of COVID not too long ago. He said she didn't have green diarrhea this time though. Wendy said she didn't but she was very sick. She said she got through it though. She said she loves her Howard. Howard said he loves her too. He said he hopes she takes some of the advice they gave her today and she slows down on the food. Wendy said she will do that.
Howard let Wendy go and said they'll look into the McRib thing. He said if they're listening maybe they'll keep it on the menu for people like Wendy. He said he knows there's a fox shortage here but maybe they can figure something out.
Wendy said she has some bad news. She said she found out the other night from her mother. She said her mom did her finances and in a month or so they're going to be homeless and living in the car again. Howard said please call them when they're in the car again. Wendy said she will do that.
Howard said he's not sure who Wendy the Slower Adult was but he has to tell her she can't go stealing all of Wendy's friends. He said he's thinking about that. Wendy said she doesn't like it either. She said she's doing a fund raiser and you can check out Banana's YouTube channel to see about that. Howard said if anyone wants to donate you can go to that YouTube channel.
Howard had Wendy the Slower Adult back on the line. He asked if she's friends with this Banana too. Slower Wendy said she is. She said she has a fund raiser going too. She said she's friends with Apple and Orange too. Howard said there you go. Real Wendy said she needs to stay away from her friends. She said she knew them before she did, cunt. Wendy was arguing with Slower Wendy about all of that. They were arguing about who has more friends. Wendy kept calling her a cunt.
Howard said he has to find out who the real Wendy is. He asked if Wendy eats an entire Stouffer's lasagne herself. Wendy said yes. Fake Wendy said she does too. She said she eats 100 of them.
Howard said he has to get going. He let Wendy and Slower Wendy go. He said there's a little update on where Wendy is at. Robin said that she could take some of her donations and put them toward the rent. Howard said he's not sure what's going on over there. He said he'll have someone look into it.
Howard said he was going to tell Wendy some of his problems. He said his generator didn't kick in when the power went out. Robin said she's had that happen to her too. Howard said he paid a lot for this generator. He said everyone told him to get this thing. He said they click on in seconds. He said his generator didn't work. He said everyone told him to get it. He said they had to have someone come and fix it but then the power was back on. He said everything is fucked up after that goes out. He said now he has to bring in 75 guys to get the house back to normal. He said the generator was going to save him money and it didn't kick in and now he's pissed.
Howard said they all love Wendy. He played a song parody with her singing to the tune of ''My Name Is...'' Howard said that's their own ''not so slim shady'' Wendy.
Howard said he and Steve Nowicki were talking about that and they got into a discussion about who the best was. He said that Adam Levine wrote him and he's a great guitar player himself. He said he did the birthday show 9 years ago and he was amazing playing Purple Rain. He played a clip from that show. Howard said it gives him the chills.
Howard said here is Adam's list of the best. He said it's Hendrix, Eddie Van Halen, Jimmy Page, Prince and Stevie Ray Vaughn. Howard read the top 5 and some of the others that Adam picked. Howard said he thinks that he wants to smack Steve in the head about his comments about Hendrix. Howard said without Hendrix you don't have Eddie.
Howard said they caught up with Brian May and asked him about that. Howard played a clip where Brian was talking about being picked as the best and he was saying you can't really rank people like that. He said it is a lovely feeling to be put on a list like that though.
Robin said we don't need to put a list like that together. Howard said they do it though. He played another clip of Brian May talking about who his favorite guitar players are. He named this guy Nuno Bettencourt in that discussion. Howard played some of his stuff. Brian talked about some of the other guitarists out there that he likes.
Howard said he seems like a great guy. He said he's not all carried away with himself.
Howard played another clip of Brian talking about playing guitar. Howard said it sounds like he has a lot on his mind.
Howard said Nuno was in the studio when Jane's Addiction played in the studio. He said he should have known him.
Howard played some Jimi Hendrix, Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen and more. He said he's not sure where to rank them. He said maybe Eddie is number 2.
Howard said he would play like that if he hadn't wasted all of his time in high school.
Howard said he has to give a shout out to Paul Stanley who wrote a book (Face the Music. A Live Exposed) and he's been reading it. He said the book is really good. He said it's a good 400 pages and it's very intense and honest. He said you really root for him. He said look up the book on Amazon.
Howard said he heard that Gary and Rahsaan interviewed Ahmet Zappa on the Wrap Up Show. He said he's a good dude. Howard said it was a good interview. Gary told Howard about some of the things Ahmet told them on the show. Howard said Frank Zappa was so out there. He said he was a great guest on the show. He said he was such an original.
Howard said Frank Zappa was one of the best looking men he's ever seen. He said he's a heterosexual male and that's what he thinks he'd like to look like. Howard asked Robin if she thought he was good looking. Robin said all she remembers was his hair. She said he had hair all over his face.
Howard asked Gary what he makes of this. Gary said there are accidents all the time. He said if someone is coming down fast and hits someone that's just what happens. He said this guy is claiming it was a hit and run and you can't sue for that. He said that he's not sure why she's going through this and not just settling. He said it's costing her 3 times as much to defend it.
Howard said he gets it because she's all over TV and she's getting exposure. He said that it's also a case where this guy may have said ''Now I'm going to be famous''' after he was hit. He said that she may have said to herself that she didn't want to be a victim. Robin said it may have been a last straw kind of thing and she's standing up to this. She said the whole thing is ridiculous.
Howard said it does seem to be absurd. He said it's an accident and it happens when you ski. Robin said if he had all of this time to watch her he could have gotten out of her way.
Howard took a call from Greg, a lawyer who said that people crash into each other all the time when they're on this bunny hill. He said there is no suit here. He said this guy shouldn't need money. He said he's not sure why he's suing. He said it's absurd that she's being dragged through this. Greg said that this guy is probably looking for a retirement fund or something.
Howard said the whole thing has been weird. He had some clips to play. He took a call from a ski coach who said there are rules on the ski hill. He said the person coming down the hill has to look ahead at who they're approaching. He said the lower person is the one who you have to look for. He said that she claims that this guy was heading toward her. Robin said she did say that he skied into her. Gary said it's really hard to pick up a lot of speed on a bunny hill. He said if he was behind her then it was his responsibility.
Howard said you wonder about the judge and they get enamored with the celebrities. Robin said she doesn't know anything about that. Howard said she must have thought the case had some merit.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Andrew Dice Clay who was going after Gwyneth saying she should be in the lodge sucking dick and not out skiing. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to fake Dice about the trial.
Robin said she came down a ski slope rather recklessly years ago. She said she eventually diverted herself across the mountain instead of down the mountain. She said she had to sit down to stop herself. She said she fell and the skis were stuck in the snow. She said she was in a little ball.
Gary said there are some odd things in this trial. He went over some of the claims that this guy has about his accident and they're very strange.
Robin said it's funny that she's not wearing any makeup for court. Howard said you have to ugly yourself up so the jury feels for you. He said the plaintiff's lawyer was very chummy with Gwyneth. Howard played some audio from the trial where this lawyer was talking to Gwyneth like they were friends.
Howard said that was like a lesbian seduction video or something. He said then they got into a discussion about Taylor Swift and it was strange. He said it makes you wonder what the fuck is going on there. Howard played a clip where they were going on and on about this Taylor Swift thing.
Howard said the dude suing had his kid there saying he has become angry and a different guy. Robin asked how bad this collision was. She asked if he had a severe head injury. Howard didn't know. Robin said that when a person's personality changes that's a big deal. She said that must have been a real bad accident.
Howard said this clip really bothers him. He said this attorney was coughing the whole time. He said he'd be freaking out about this. Howard played a clip of the guy coughing.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he's been watching this and the guy hit her and fell on top of her. He said if you listen to the testimony she's very exact. He said the best thing is that they had an iso cam on her and they insisted they remove it. Howard said people are really interested in this case. Ralph said they say there are rules but they're not laws there on the slopes. Howard said it's entertainment but it feels weird.
Ralph said this woman questioning her has bad hair and a bad suit on. He said she looks like David Byrne in the big suits. Howard thanked Ralph for the call. Ralph said the kids will be testifying today.
Howard said it's insane how much time Ralph has to watch this trial. He said it infuriates him. Ralph said he loves trials and really loves them with celebrities.
Ralph said it seems like Howard gets this high end shit and it never works. Howard said he's right. He said that he just wants a generator that kicks on. Ralph said he's not cheap and gets the best stuff. Howard said he really does. He said he was told this thing was the best generator out there. He said all of his neighbors had their generators kick in. He said his didn't.
Howard said he's trying to integrate himself back into the world and they had some people over to the house. He said he went to his neighbor's house too. He said there were 3 or 4 people there. He said Beth wanted to go and not wear masks. Howard said he was only there for about 20 minutes to say hello. He said he went over and didn't wear the mask. He said that he has to get back out there. He said they were inside too. He said they were inside for like 20 minutes. Robin said that's his first time. Howard said it was. He said he stuck his head out the window.
Howard said he was always germ phobic. He said he's been that way his whole life. He said he was able to conduct his life anyway. He said he thinks he could survive it if he gets it but he's still worried. He said he has this thing. He said he just doesn't want to get it. He said he's trying to get out there. He said he's trying to get his shit together.
Howard said they were looking at their neighbor's house inside. He said they're lovely people. He said they look pretty healthy. He said it's been years since he did that. He had to do the math and came up with 23 years. He said that people ask if they miss people and he says no. He said Beth may be a little stir crazy. He said he finally did it though. Robin said he's fine. Howard said it was just yesterday. He faked a cough.
Howard said if he dies just know that he thought the neighbor's kitchen was beautiful. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and sang along with the Ozzy song a little bit. Howard said he loves Ozzy and his voice. He said he wrote this fore Sharon. He said she told him that she gets chills when she hears this song. Howard said Ozzy would call Sharon and tell her he was coming home by saying ''Mama I'm coming home.'' Howard said it's a dangerous slope to call someone mama. He said that's what Mike Pence did. He said it's crazy to watch this stuff.
Howard said he hopes Ozzy is okay. He said that Pence calls his wife ''Mother'' and that's just weird. He said it's Alfred Hitchcock creepy. He said most dudes have mommy issues.
Howard said he called his mom this weekend. He said she gets him nuts. He said he's not sure he even wants to repeat it. He immediately went into his impression of his mother talking about how much pain she's in. He said she claims she doesn't want to complain but that's what she does. He had her talking about the hot water at the home she's in. Howard had Ray saying she doesn't like to complain but who does she have to complain to beside him.
Howard said his mother was complaining about her water being shut off. He said she says that it gets shut off but she's not sure how often it is. Howard said he looked into it and they did have it off a couple of times in the past couple of weeks. He said she says she's suffering and it makes him crazy. He said he's calling the manager and all of this.
Howard said this place is a lovely place. He said it's not that bad. He said that his mother complains like it's awful. He said that was his weekend. He said he's working on that situation. He said he lives in an apartment building and they have to turn the water off there at times. Robin said they have to check and flush things.
Howard had his mom asking how Beth is doing and talking about how much she loves her. He said she was talking about the pajamas Beth got for her. Howard had Ray talking about how much she loves what Beth does for her and how much she loves her. She wasn't talking about how much she loves Howard.
Howard said his mother doesn't know that Beth is there listening to all of this on speaker. He said he pays the bills. He said she can lay off complimenting Beth.
Howard said his mother loves anyone on her team. He said she loves his kids and all of her team. He said it does take a village.
Howard said then Beth said she should do a rabbit discussion. He said she wanted to talk about how expensive they are and how it's not that easy to own a rabbit. He said people do that for Easter and they get dumped on the side of the road. He said the rabbits don't know how to survive in the wild if they were raised in a house. He said they did this whole thing.
Howard said Beth was so appreciative of what he did. He said that he wanted to get laid but he got tired and they didn't do it. He said now he's all backed up. He said that he's not sure he'll be able to do it today because one of her friends is coming over. He said he knows that when Beth is ready that if he jerks off he won't be able to complete. He said he needs a day to recover. He said he's not sure what will happen. He said the friend is over today. He said he's exhausted.
Howard said he watched American Idol last night. He said he has a love hate thing with that show. He said it drives him crazy but he loves the show. He said he was watching the show and Katy Perry looks great. He said she's super thin. Robin said she was always in shape. Howard wondered if she's on Ozempic. Robin said he keeps mentioning this. Howard said he thinks he saw that in California they're putting Ozempic in the water now. He said that way it's mandatory.
Howard said this guy walks on Idol last night and it was Dave Stewart from the Eurythmics. He said he brought his daughter in and played guitar for his daughter. He said she got through to Hollywood week. He said she was a good singer. Howard said it's not just about being a good singer though. Robin said they don't care about original songs on that show. Howard said for a career you need that though.
Howard said he felt guilty because Dave Stewart was on the show years ago. He said he gave him the greatest gift ever. He said he doesn't usually accept gifts. He said it was a Polaroid of Mick Jagger in a bath tub. He said it was blown up to a big size and he still has it hanging in his house. He said he thinks he sent him a note thanking him but he's not sure. He said he's going to try to get in touch with him and let him know how much he enjoys that picture.
Howard answered a knock at the door and fake Dice was back and telling him to be a man and go fuck Beth. He asked what's going on with him. Howard said he jerks off from time to time and he has to build up his load again. Howard and Dice went back and forth about that for a couple of minutes before Howard let him go.
Mariann asked if Howard watched Daisy Jones and The Six. Howard said they're going to watch that. He said that he has to see Riley Keough. He asked if she's nude in it at all. Mariann said not nude but you do see her in sex scenes. Howard said why not. He asked what channel that's on. Mariann said it's on Amazon Prime. Howard said they should have nude scenes. Robin said he's seen her nude. Howard said he wants to see more in different situations.
Howard said he goes on MrSkin.com and sees her pictures but they have different ratings for her scenes. He said she will be braless but that's not nudity. He said he loves nudity. He said that you see titty from time to time and that's what he likes. Mariann said that she did have a shirt on and it was very sheer. She said Howard will like that. Howard said he does like a sheer shirt where you see the nips.
Mariann was going on about something she saw Howard do. Howard hung up on her and said he got a headache from that. He said Beth bent over and he made fart sounds. He said that's what she was talking about.
Howard read what MrSkin posted about Riley. Beth came in a short time later so Howard got her on the microphone. She came in with Wednesday the cat. Howard showed the cat off and explained who they are and how he's getting too attached to them. Beth said they're in Florida.
Howard said he was talking about visiting the neighbors without a mask on. Beth said he has survived that. She said it's fine. Howard said he knew if he put in time with the cats and stuff that Beth would want to bang him. He said she feels really romantic about him after that.
Howard said Beth beat herself up the other day. He said she had a big welt on her head. He said she was doing exercise and she was sitting on the ground. He said she took her top off and the sports bra got caught in the door and she pulled it and it hit her in the head.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dice again. He asked why Beth isn't naked yet. He said bang your man. He said just do it already. He said drain his balls. He said he's the man of the house. He said get to work. Howard said he doesn't talk to his wife that way. Howard kept Dice on for a few more seconds before Howard closed the door on him.
Beth said her friend is coming over today and she wants to know if they should do dessert or not. Howard said Beth has a real problem with sugar. He said she's a sugar addict. He said she gets out of control with the sugar. He said she only eats stuff with sugar. He said she was going nuts again and she was sneaking some stuff. Beth said she was doing it behind his back. She said she's ordering big boxes of stuff from Amazon. Howard said the doctor told her she's pre-diabetic. He said they did a blood test and found that out. He said the other day she was scarfing down Peeps. Beth said she ate two boxes in one sitting. Howard said she got woozy from it. He said it was like she overdosed on it. Beth said she had some caramel coated popcorn before that.
Howard said he knows what's going on. He said she was off all sugar. He said then her mom visited and they went shopping. He said her mom is 81 and she can eat anything with sugar in it. He said Beth thinks she can do the same thing. He said now she's been doing too much sugar. Beth said they go to Sam's club and get all of the junk food there. Howard said he told her she has to get off all sweets. He said she has to go cold turkey and she said she can't do it. Beth said she's doing it but she's struggling.
Howard said he told Beth whenever they have company over then she can have sugar. He said maybe they can do a banana dessert or something. He said that way they can avoid the sugar. He asked what her friend will want. Beth said she's a normal person who likes sweets. She said she had to take old cat food and drop it on the Peeps to make sure she didn't go in there to eat them. Howard said he threw out some cookies and Beth told him to pour stuff on them so she wouldn't fish them out and eat them. Beth said her mother rolls her eyes when she hears she's off sugar. She said she's trying though.
Howard said he has never seen Beth so upset like that. Beth said she thinks she's having hot flashes too. Howard said sit down and relax. Beth said she just wanted to show everyone how glorious Wednesday is.
Howard said Peeps makes a cereal now. Beth said she can't believe he's doing that to her. She said that she's proud that she's able to avoid sugar and then Howard brings up that Reggie Jackson was on and he had the Reggie bar with him. She said it was so mean of him to bring it up. Howard said he's so under control that he can just not eat or drink something if he's told not to. He said he and Beth's friend will eat dessert tonight and Beth will not. He said that's the case.
Howard answered Dice at the door again. He suggested that Howard dip his dick in chocolate to get Beth to do something with him. Howard said he doesn't have to do that to get his wife interested in him. He said he's one of the sexiest men alive. Dice said she ain't doing anything though. Howard closed the door on him again.
Howard said he thinks tonight they'll have dessert. He said that he doesn't want it though. Howard said how about have fruit. He said he has some stuff in the fridge. He said he has some grapes. Beth sarcastically said ''Woo.''
Beth said she's all dewy. She said she may have to go lay down. Howard said he might need her to bang her.
Howard said there was a study done in Australia and they found that sugar is just as addictive as nicotine and things like that.
Howard said Beth looks like she's really panicking. Beth said she did have some sugar this morning. She said she's not doing well though. She said she may have to go lay down. Beth said that Howard had an issue with his yogurt this morning. Howard said his yogurt had that curd in it. He said it must not be getting refrigerated correctly.
Howard said Beth helped him out with his breakfast this morning. Beth said this is their life. She said she wishes she could have been more fun today. Howard said she is fun. He said they went on Instagram last night. Beth asked if anyone saw that. Howard said Mariann called in about it.
Howard and Beth talked about TV shows they're watching and stuff like that. Howard said they watched the Paltrow trial.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this may not be a sugar thing with Beth. He said that his wife had to get hormone replacement therapy in her 40s. He said that the hot flashes might be from the menopause thing. He said his wife had sugar cravings and stuff like that. He said it took forever for her to talk to her gynecologist about it and then they started her on Progesterone.
Robin said it could be a combination of things. Howard said women have it rough. He said they have to go through the menstrual cycle thing every month and then go through menopause. He said it's not easy being a woman. He said he empathizes with women.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that sugar addiction is hard. She said she should be drinking a lot of water. Howard said she won't even drink water. He said he's trying to get her to drink something. Beth said she hates water. The caller said that water gets that stuff out of your system.
Howard said he's not sure who doesn't like water. He said it's weird that she doesn't like it. Beth said she never did. Howard said it must be because she's from Pennsylvania. He said she doesn't like fish either. Robin said Fred didn't either when they met him. Howard said it's like the Hillbilly areas. Beth said it's Pennsylvania which isn't a hillbilly area.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she is like Beth and she thinks that their hormones are reacting to it differently. Howard said they better shape up. He said they have to eat some good stuff.
Howard took a call from Chris Wilding who was doing his Mildred voice and talking about her sugar addiction and all of that. He was joking that she blows guys for Peeps. Beth said that's disgusting. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard said that's one of his guys trying to make her laugh. Beth said it's not helping. She said his hair looks great this morning. Howard said he has to go get his second half of his root canal this week. Beth said she knows. She said she remembers getting her's done and the second stage wasn't so bad.
Howard let Beth go and asked if she's going to take the cat. Beth said she will. Howard went to break after doing a live commercial read.
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Howard came back and said this is so good. He said that he sees a ton of clips of her on Instagram. He said he must have searched for her and now he gets a bunch of clips. He said they interviewed David Bowie about this song and he said it was influenced by Frank Sinatra's ''My Way.'' He said he doesn't hear it. He said he had her on the show and she did not disappoint. He said he had heard her on that show ''Girls'' and he had to have her on. He said she had a lot of interesting things she talked about.
Howard said every other clip on Instagram is about Aurora. He said she's still out doing her thing. Howard said he has a clip of her talking to JD after the interview. He played that clip where they were very awkward talking to each other.
Howard said it's fascinating listening to JD talk to chicks. JD said he has no memory of that at all. He said he must have blocked it out. Howard said that's what happens when you have a traumatic thing happen to you.
Howard said he should play this bit they did with JD. He said Gary pointed out that JD will ask a question and repeat things twice. JD said he doesn't know what he's asking people at the time and he was trying to figure out what to ask. He said he may have weird ticks. Howard asked why he doesn't just ask the questions they write for him. JD said he does. He said he was going through them and he was trying to gauge what to ask the person.
Howard said they sent JD to the St. Patrick's day parade. He said he heard he found a chick. JD said she was cute. He said she was wearing a belly shirt. He said he thinks the weather was okay.
Howard said Sal told him she was only wearing a bra. JD said he might remember more than him. Howard said JD had two beers and two shots before going out.
Sal told Howard this girl was adorable and she was smitten with JD. Sal said that she was wearing something like what Madonna would have worn. He said she had a denim jacket on too. JD said oh yeah. Robin said it's coming back to him now.
Howard said it sounds like Sal has her in his spank bank. Sal said this girl was gorgeous and he told her that and JD told him to shut up. He said he was trying to get him to talk to this woman and he didn't want to do it.
Howard said they have a St. Patrick's day parade in the city and they sent JD out there to ask questions. Sal said he has the ability to pick out assholes in the crowd so that's why he went along. Sal said this girl had 4 empty cans by her feet. He said his drunk radar went up immediately.
Howard said they asked Sal and JD to ask people simple questions that turned into a game. He played an intro for the game and then got into the clips.
Howard said Sal and JD found this attractive college student. Howard played a clip of this girl talking to this girl who told them what she had to drink so far. She told them she was there for spring break.
Howard said he could go to someone on the phone but he's just going to play with Robin. He said this is JD asking a question. JD asked the girl to name 3 branches of the US Armed forces. Robin said that's easy. Robin said she thinks she can answer that. Howard played the clip and the girl said Marshals, FBI and IRS. Robin said not one of those is right.
Howard said JD asked the girl this next. Howard played a clip and JD asked the college girl who the President of Russia is. Howard asked if she'll know. Robin said no. Howard played the clip and the girl said ''Putin.''
Howard played a clip where JD asked the girl what city is known as the windy city? Robin said she'll know. The girl said ''Ohio'' and laughed. Robin said the wind is between her ears.
Howard played a clip of JD asking the college girl what weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks? Howard said that's a trick question. He said that they both weigh the same. Robin said she's not sure she'll be able to figure that out. She said she's saying no she won't know. Howard played the girl's answer and it was a pound of bricks. She said she might be a few White Claws too many in to know.
Howard played a clip of JD asking the girl who wrote Romeo and Juliet. Robin said she will say she will know this. Howard played the clip and she said William Shakespeare.
Howard said he has one last one. He said Robin has won a lot of prizes so far. He said they don't keep track. He played a clip of JD asking the girl if she can recite the pledge of allegiance. Robin said she doesn't think she'll be able to do it. Howard played the clip and she did the pledge. She got through the first line and just went with ''Amen'' at the end.
Howard said good job boys. He asked if it was fun hanging out there. JD said it was fun hanging out with Sal. Howard asked how long they were there. Sal said they were there from 12-4 or so. He said one guy wanted to kick his ass. He said that this guy came out of nowhere asking why they were asking questions and he said he works at SiriusXM and the guy said ''You!?'' JD said they could have kicked that guy's ass if they had to.
Howard said you'd be surprised about who can kick your ass. JD said he knows. He said this guy wasn't that scruffy.
Howard said he has a couple of bonus clips. He said JD hit it off with this girl. He said they started talking about The Bachelor and it was almost romance. He said girls like that. Howard played a clip and the girl was saying that if you can watch The Bachelor with her then they're getting married. She and JD were talking about the show and what's been going on there. JD said he's in a Bachelor fantasy league. The girl said if you can do that and get into the show then you'll get a lot of pussy. Howard said JD came to life with that chick. JD said he has watched the season so he knows what he's talking about.
Howard said he realizes with JD that he does really well with women who are about to pass out and throw up. He said JD and this girl were very giggly. He said Sal recorded a moment when they were giggling together. Howard played the clip and both of them have the same laugh. Howard laughed after playing that.
Howard said JD laughs like Woody Woodpecker. He said he's a little like Beavis and Butt-Head too. Robin said that's almost what it was like when he was doing the set up.
Howard said JD's hair is looking good. JD said he will let it grow out and then shave it off again. He said he didn't like the skin but when it grows in a bit then he likes it. Howard said he looks cleaned up with the beard and all. He said he looks good. Sal said he looks great. He said he has to get rid of his man tits but his face looks great. He said he loves JD. JD said he knows every time he looks in the mirror.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was listening to the Aurora thing and he wants to know if they can do a show with JD. His connection was cutting out so Howard said he can't understand what he's saying.
Howard said he heard that Sal had a fun weekend. Sal said his mother in law is ill and he had to go over there and bring her food. He said he had to bring her clothing too. He said she's 78 and she has Osteoporosis. He said she cracked four ribs just getting out of bed. He said it's been tough. Sal said she took great care of herself. He said she was very active and then this thing kicked in hard and fast. JD was chuckling about Sal saying Osteo and not the full word. Sal said he knows how to say it. He said the word just fine.
Sal said this has been tough because his mother in law can't hear so his wife is always yelling on the phone. He said then you get delusional in those places.
Howard asked how upset his mother in law was when he married Christine. Sal said it was fine. He said they got along great. Howard said if a guy like him came into his daughter's life he'd be upset. Sal said there were a few times that she got upset with him. He said one time he wanted to get a lawn care business going and he used her number because she had a mower and he didn't. He said that she got upset about that.
Sal said his mother in law also got upset with him when he used horse shit from her back yard to send horse shit roses. He said it turns out that was against the law and they came back to her house so the cops came to her. He said he sold 4 or 5 roses out like that. He said that this one went to a hospital and that's not a good thing.
Howard said Sal has absolutely no judgment. He said the dude is 100 percent for real too. He said people don't believe it.
Howard said someone was asking him about Sal. He said he told them that he's like all Three Stooges in one.
Howard asked Sal how the shit roses came back to his mother in law. Sal said he used her address. He said that her parents were very loving and he thought he could use their house. Howard said he should maybe ask about it before using their address. He said none of that occurs to him. Sal said he should have done his due diligence. He said he thought it would be a great novelty idea.
Howard said you'd think he'd ask a lawyer or someone like that. He said he just does it. Robin said he always gets caught. She said it never occurs to him that he might get caught. Sal said it does now. He said he's 53 now so he knows better. Howard asked the family ever complains about him doing that stuff. Sal said not really. He said he got in trouble for the roses. He said he had one other thing with his mother in law. He said she was on an animal message board and one of her dogs was sick. He said it was stinking up the house so he went on the message board and said he'd had it with the dog and said he was going to put it down. He said he was in her account doing this so her friends started calling her asking what she was doing. He said that they called her and she got like 5 phone calls. He said she hit the roof when she found out he was doing it. He said that was the last thing he did.
Howard said the police have actually shown up at the house over this. Sal said they have. He said he had to explain the horse shit thing to the hospital and they did not press charges. He said he wasn't the one sending the flowers. He said it was the woman who ordered it. He said that he was just the delivery service. He said he actually had someone else bring it there. He said it was delivered there.
Sal said he had the ad in the penny saver. He said he had to use his brother in law's credit card terminal to charge the card. He said he asked him to send one of his brother in laws employees to deliver the package. He was cracking himself up talking about all of this.
Howard said Sal tries to take the whole family down with him. He said he loves that. Robin said that the whole family could wind up in jail.
Howard asked if the flowers were in the shape of shit. Sal said he got rose boxes from a florist. He said he would pull weeds to use as stems. He said he'd put the shit as the roses and then box them up like roses.
Howard asked Sal how many of his stories end in ''They declined to press charges.'' Sal said he has a few. He told another one where he got caught making prank calls and his father beat him. He said the cops had to pull his father off of him. He said that the cops figured it was resolved after that beating.
Fred played a song parody about Sal. Gary said his favorite Sal story is the one where Sal went to a new year's eve party with his wife and he pulled the plug on the TV right before Midnight. He said her coworkers were so upset with her for a week. Sal said that was bad. He said he was very drunk. He said they had a basement there and he got yelled at. He said he threw up at the bar too. He said when he threw up it sobered him right up. He said he was using his feet to wipe up the vomit. He said he didn't want her to see that.
Howard asked how he advises his sons. Sal said he tells them to just do the opposite of what he did. He said that he can give good advice. Howard asked if he has ever given bad advice where his wife had to step in. Sal said never.
Howard asked about Sal spray painting the steps on the store next to the pizzeria. Sal said he was out there painting and he painted something about ''ring the bell'' for the store next door. He said his dad would beat him when he was out there doing that stuff. He said he'd do stupid things and his dad would get upset with him.
Sal told other stories about things he did to his wife's coworkers. He always gets in trouble for this stuff. Gary said that was pretty recent but Sal said it was 13 years ago. Howard asked if he ever tries to ignore himself and not do this stuff. Sal said he tries to tell himself not to be an asshole. He said he does have to have a pep talk to himself before he goes out.
Howard asked Sal if he can point to a great idea he had that he talked himself out of doing. Sal said he comes up with a lot of ideas. He said he's trying to think of something. Howard said maybe his ideas are drying up. Sal said not at all. He said he's still using those ideas in a different way.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his young child has better common sense than Sal does. He said he loves Sal though. Howard said he wants to give Sal a homework assignment. Sal said one time he almost burned himself alive. He said they had bon fires in the woods. He said his friend brought gasoline to start the fire. He said that he was drunk and he moon walked in the fire. He said his boots caught on fire. He said it went up his legs and his friends had to jump on him and put out the fire. He said it's ridiculous and nuts. He said he does remember this stuff. Howard said Sal never learns from it though. Sal said he does learn not to do these things.
Howard asked if he ever tells his kids no tot do stuff like that. Sal said he does tell the kids and his sisters fill them in on some of the dumb things he's done.
Richard said Sal asks him for advice on this stuff. He said he always tells him to do it because he loves seeing him do it. Richard said one time they were at Jon Hein's daughter's bat mitzvah and Sal found the remote for the TV and changed the channel while all of these guys were watching a football game. Gary said they had six TVs set up there. He said they kept moving from one TV to the next and it was pretty funny.
Sal said now he just wants to stick to the funny. He said they went to a family camp up state and he did karaoke and he did a very dirty song. He said they had to cut it off. He said it turns out that some of the other fathers from the families were waiting to beat him up in the parking lot. He said he had to stay in the hotel room overnight to make sure they didn't beat him up. He said he was just being silly and stupid.
Howard said he gets why his wife won't fuck him. He said he's like a child. Sal said they've been through a lot. Howard said Sal isn't sure what's funny.
Ronnie got on and asked Sal to rip up his save the date cared for his wedding. Sal said this was ages ago. He said he was much younger. He said after the Christmas party one year he drove him home. He said he was screaming out the window and he vomited out the window because he had eaten a bunch of stuff. He said he thought he got away with it but Ronnie called him the next day asking what the fuck he did. He said the guy at the car wash charged him double for having to clean that up.
Howard said Ronnie must have been pissed. Ronnie said he was. He said it was a brand new truck too. Howard said he didn't know that they charged double for vomit. Ronnie said it won't come off right away. He said they have to scrub it by hand first before sending it through. He said he wasn't going to touch it himself.
Howard asked Ronnie how he's doing. He said he heard he had a party. Ronnie said he went to a dinner thing. Howard said he had six gin and tonics. Howard asked how he's doing that at his age. Ronnie said it fucked him up for the weekend. Howard said he's going out with a bang huh. Ronnie said sure. He said he went out to dinner and they had drinks when they got there. He said they were there early. He said then they went out to eat and had dinner and drinks. He said then they went to a club on the roof and had more drinks there. Howard said this guy can really drink.
Howard said Sal once shit in the bathtub at a party. Sal told that story and said he was in college at the time. He said these two jock guys came in and they threw him out of the house. He said he was on the stoop. He said he had to piss so he went back into the house and he felt a shit coming on so he shit in the tub. He said that was a bit of a revenge thing.
Ronnie asked if he ever got into a fight over that stuff. Sal said he got into a fight with a guy after a rap battle. He said this guy was having a rap battle and he got in the guy's face and he said something about his mama looking like a prune and the guy knocked him out. He said the guy said never talk about his mama because she raised him for 9 months.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Sal is out of his mind. He said he understands why he'd never have him to his house. Howard said he'd never let him near his house. He said he's insane. Howard let that guy go and thanked Sal for the stories. He said Sal will fuck up at Ronnie's wedding. Sal said he'd never do that. He said he went to Jason's wedding and Will's wedding and he was fine. JD said he wrote stuff in the guest book. Howard said he and Sal did that. He said when he's around Sal he gets fired up. He said they had to do something stupid.
Howard said he's going to end the show. He said The Smashing Pumpkins will be on tomorrow. He said they're still not in the rock and roll hall of fame. He said that's just not right. Howard said he got the voting ballot for that and he actually voted. He said he voted for Soundgarden, Sheryl Crow, Willie Nelson, Rage Against the Machine and Cyndi Lauper. He said that he loves Warren Zevon but he won't care if he didn't vote for him. Gary gave his votes too. He said he voted for Warren Zevon and The Spinners. Howard and Gary talked about that for a short time.
Howard asked Jon Hein if he voted. Jon said he did. He gave his votes. He voted for The Spinners too. Howard talked up a Spinners song like a top 40 DJ. Howard had Fred do it over again so he could talk it up again.
Howard and the guys spent a few more minutes talking about the hall of fame and then the Mark Twain award. Gary said he brought that up with Howard this morning before the show and how he should get that award. Howard said he would probably say no to that anyway. He spent a few more minutes talking about what he would do if he did win something like that. He said he likes being reclusive anyway. He said he only needs his wife and kids.
Howard said he's out of gas. He said they've been on a long time. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:50am.
Howard said the guy is a genius and he should be in the hall of fame. He asked who else would be in it. He said they make great rock music. He said it was Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Soundgarden and bands like that. He said when he dies this song will be playing as he enters the gates of heaven.
Howard said this is the music he hears when he makes love to his wife. He said this is what Wendy years when she's eating a McRib. He said he didn't get one letter about her appearance yesterday. He thought for sure he would.
Howard said he's always anxious to talk to Billy. He said he's brutally honest and he likes that. He said he thinks musicians are the greatest.
Howard said this is the music that comes out of Emily Ratajkowski's vagina when she makes love to someone. He said she's with Harry Styles now. He said that she was with Eric Andre but not anymore apparently. He said her cervix is a bluetooth speaker. He said it must be great. He said Eric must be bummed. He said he had a party for a few minutes. He said Harry called and told him that Butterflies come out of her vagina when this song is playing. He said then you get sex. He said he doesn't think he'd last too long with her.
Howard said if he's Eric Andre he'd be smiling because Harry Styles is getting his sloppy seconds. He said he was there first. He said it's important to guys. Robin said Eric is pretty big. Howard said he's big and thick. He said Harry will be like ''You broke her in for me.''
Howard answered a knock at the door. Fake Dice Clay came on and went off on this Emily Ratajkowski and how she's on everyone's knob but not his. He asked how he can get her. Howard said he's not going to get her. Dice asked how he can get her to gobble on his knob. Howard said it takes more than just being funny. Howard had to dump out of something fake Dice said. He let him go after that. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said there was a big picture of Emily and Harry in the paper kissing. He said people were complaining about how Harry kisses.
Howard said he was up late last night watching the finale of The Bachelor. He said it never disappoints. He said he and his wife had a plan. He said they couldn't stay up the whole show so they waited until he picked the two women. He said as soon as they learned that they went to bed. He said they made a plan to get up if he woke up to pee. He said they'd watch the end of the show that way. He said Beth was willing to get up if he had to pee.
Howard said he woke up about 4:45 this morning and figured he had time to see the rest of the show. He said he didn't want to wake Beth up but he was making noises and grunting to try to get her up. He said she didn't stir. He said he poked her thigh and she still didn't move. He said he didn't know what to do. He said he made noise going to the bathroom and then she woke up. He said he told her they had to watch the rest of the show. He said she was up then so they watched the show.
Howard said they put the show on and his excitement was up there. He said the host mentioned Beth and himself as part of Bachelor Nation. He said he and Beth were ashamed and felt violated. Robin said he was publicly shamed. Howard said the girl who didn't get picked felt violated because the guy fucked her. He said that she felt strange about it. He said she has a lot of issues. He said she complains that no one loves her and she's a very young girl. He said she's only 23. He said she has time. He said she has a kick ass body. He said someone will love her.
Howard said the guy admitted he fucked her in the fantasy suite so she was ashamed. She said they agreed they weren't going to talk about fucking. He said women get embarrassed by that. He said you don't want people to know who you fucked. He said she doesn't need her father seeing that.
Howard said this guy Zach is kind of a douche. He said he was running around telling people he fucked this girl the next morning. He said this chick gave it to him on TV. He said she felt violated. He said she may take him to court. He said they never blame The Bachelor show. He said you can't have privacy on a TV show.
Howard said you put out and fuck a guy and then he goes with someone else. He said that's the way it goes. He said they were running out of time and they had to go to commercial and cut the girl off. He said it was pretty wild. He said that's ABC. He said it's a Disney company doing that show. He asked if Walt Disney would like that. Robin said he's rolling in his grave.
Howard said they got up and Jesse Palmer mentioned their names. He said Jesse said that even Howard and Beth Stern had goose bumps when they chose the next Bachelorette. Howard said that's when he told Beth he's a douche bag and Beth said that he's her douche bag.
Howard said they don't have to play the clip. He said don't knock yourself out getting that.
Howard said it actually pained him thinking that David didn't like him. He said that he wants to know what the date is on this clip. He said he figured it was recent.
Howard said he was pleased to hear this. He asked Gary when this is from. Gary said they're working on it. Eventually they told Howard it was from 3 weeks ago.
Howard said he's excited that David is feeling good about him. He said it did upset him that he thought he didn't like him. He said he has hung out with him on occasion and he finds him delightful. He said when he left K-Rock he took over their show. He said that was the lead singer of Van Halen taking over for him. He said it was an honor. He said that was great.
Howard played the clip and David was talking about how Howard Stern should be in the Rock and Roll hall of fame. He said that he's a performer and it's not an easy job. He said just ask James Hetfield about it. He said that Howard doesn't do songs but he does fill in between and it's the hard part. David said Howard is a performer and he has presented music in a way that people can only dream of. He said he's been a lifetime fan of Howard's too.
Howard said that's some compliment. He said he will go accept if he's ever inducted into that hall of fame. He said he'd have to. Howard said it pleases him to hear that because he has mad love for David Lee Roth.
Howard said he was working for VIacom and he went to the MTV Music Awards. He said no one was more charismatic than David. He said he came into the room and he went to his seat that night and David walks in and he's got the long flowing hair and the whole thing. He said you can't take your eyes off the guy. He said he's good looking and he has this great band. He said it was as if there was no one else in the room. He said it was captivating like a beautiful woman is captivating. He said he wondered what it must be like to have that. He said you have the look and the songs and the whole deal. He said it was very captivating.
Howard said he once stayed in the same hotel as Van Halen and the girls were knocking on his door thinking that was Van Halen. He said he walked by David's room one night in the hotel and his door was open. He said David was in a towel and he saw him in here. He said he was working on WWWW in Detroit at the time. He said he was going to do his dopey radio show and David was in that room with women. He said that women were asking him where his room was. He said it was rock and roll. He said he saw that up close.
Howard said the music was insane and the videos were wild. He said he's very happy to hear that. Robin said he has mentioned that he was upset that he might be angry with him. Howard said maybe he made it up in his head. He said it's interesting when he says he should be in the hall of fame. He said he starts to believe it.
Howard had the bachelor shout out too. He said he has both today. He said he's feeling positive about himself today. Howard played the Bachelor clip where Jesse mentioned Howard and Beth.
Howard said he's not sure which shout out is better. Robin said it has to be the David Lee Roth shout out. Howard said that might be the one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a story about finding out his dad isn't his biological father. Howard said he wished that he had that kind of story. He asked the caller what happened there. The caller, Chubs, said that he never had a connection to his father and he said some racist stuff to his wife so he cut him off. He said that he let him know that his mom had lied to him for 32 years. He said that he got a DNA test and found out that he wasn't his dad. He said his mother insisted that he was the guy. He said he found out that he was not his dad and he called his mom asking who his dad was. He said it turns out that it could only be one other guy. He said she told him it was her old high school teacher. He said he is now passed away. He said he knows his brother is on Facebook.
Howard said first of all it's fabulous radio. He said he's not sure where he's doing it but it sounds good. Chubs mentioned he was a DJ and mentioned it on his show. Howard asked where he's a DJ. Chubs said he's on in Oklahoma. Howard asked if he's the morning man. Chubs said he is. Howard said that's good radio.
Howard asked how pissed he is that his mom lied to him and that he could have met his real father. Chubs said you do play that game and you wonder what was going on. He said that maybe it was better that he passed away. His phone cut out in the middle of the story. Howard said they got most of the story there.
Howard said he should call his mom and confront her about that. He said he confronted his mom on the air and asked what position she was in when they conceived him. He said she didn't answer that.
Chubs was back on and mentioned that maybe the cruise shit nearby cut him off. He had called in about that a while back. Howard said they got most of the story there so that's good. He said that was some story. He said he has been humiliated his whole life and that has led to his career so point it all out. He said don't be proud. He said he had to reveal last night that he's a douche bag. He said if he's ever in Oklahoma he'll have to listen to Chubs.
Chubs said his wife reached out to his uncle on Facebook. He said they found out he was his uncle and they reached out to him. He said that he sent a message back and he was happy to have a nephew. He said that he sent a story about his dad and he read about how he was friends with Stevie Ray Vaughn and ZZ Top. He said his dad was in a band with them and all of this.
Howard cut him off asking him to slow down. He said his dad was a school teacher who fucked his mom. Chubs said it was right when she was graduating so it was apparently okay. Howard said he loves that his dad went on tour with ZZ Top and The Zombies. Chubs said his dad had all of these pictures from when they were on the road. He said it was cool but his dad didn't want to keep touring so he got off the road. He said that's when he started teaching.
Howard asked Chubs if his mom was already married in high school. Chubs said he thinks so. Howard said this guy fucks her and then takes off. Chubs said from what he understands he never knew it was his. He said he found out he has a brother a few years younger than him too. Howard asked if his mom is hot. Chubs said he doesn't think so but she probably was.
Howard said his mom probably had a bush like the beards in ZZ Top. Chubs said he reached out to the guys in the band to find out what they knew about his dad. He said he wanted to know about any health issues he should be worried about. He said he's met the guys from ZZ Top and they shared some stories with him.
Howard said he's telling him that his dad toured with them and the guys in the band want to be friends with him. Chubs said they do. He said that he has pictures from when they were 13. Howard asked if ZZ Top fucked his mom too. Chubs said he can only wish. He said that if they had his mom could have gotten some money maybe. Howard and Robin were laughing about that. Howard said he bets that they passed his mom around like a joint. Chubs said he can only wish.
Howard asked what age he was when he found this out. Chubs said he was 32. Howard said he's not laughing at the trauma of that. He said he knew a dude years ago who found out he was adopted when he was in his 40s. He said it fucked him up. He said the whole family knew but not him. He said he was only one who didn't know. He said it fucked him up good. He said he'd imagine that this would fuck you up. He said it's a wild story. Chubs said it feels good. He said he had no connection to his dad and he didn't know why. He said he hated music and he'd tell him to shut up and sit down. He said he never got it until then.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Billy Gibbons who had a song about how they all fucked his mom. Howard closed the door on him a short time into that.
Howard said Chubs did the right thing by putting his mom on the air. He said he's proud of him. Chubs asked if he can take the title of Prince of all Media. Howard said of course. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said that was a wild story. He said The Zombies did a few good songs. He sang some of those and Fred played some of their songs. He played ''She's Not There'' and ''Tell Her No.''
Howard said he would pray for someone to tell him that his dad wasn't his real dad. He said when he learned about god he asked him to get his parents to divorce so he can go back and forth to their homes.
Robin said there are a lot of people who are finding out that their parents aren't their real parents. Howard said he has a guy on the phone with that story. The caller, Luke, said he's 53 and he just found out. He said he grew up and had a brother who told him that their dad isn't their dad. He said that he sat on it for a while. He said he finally put his DNA in the system and found out he has a bunch of half brothers and sisters all over the country. He said they all figured it out through technology.
Howard asked if he's fucked in the head over it. Luke said it is a mind fuck to say the least. He said he and his brother are polar opposites. He said he never had a good relationship with his dad.
Howard asked if he's really good looking and smart. He said you'd think your mom would get someone good. Luke said he does okay.
Howard said he wishes his mom had gone to a sperm donor. He said he could have been much better looking. He said in a way he envies this guy. Luke said he's not sure it makes that bit of a difference.
Howard said he has a friend who was a sperm donor in Boston. He said he was making a student film and his friend was helping him out with it. He said he had to take a break and go jerk off. He said he had to do that for the donation thing. He said this dude went into his bedroom and his girlfriend jerked him off. He said he raced it down to the sperm bank.
Howard said he was shocked that this guy was doing it. He said no offense. He said he was a nice guy and relatively handsome. He said he wasn't that smart. He said he wasn't dumb but he wasn't a Harvard guy. He said he could have ended up with 2000 kids. He said he didn't care. Luke said that's what's happening now. He said the kids are finding out who their donors were.
Howard said he has a million questions but he's running out of time. Robin said this is one of the things you wonder about when you donate. She said a lot of people chose not to say.
Howard said he's thinking maybe he should get this 23 and Me thing. He said he should look into his DNA. He said he can see his dad not being his dad. Howard said he had nothing to work with in his gene pool. He said he's a mess.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Arnold talking about his son that came from the maid and how he came out with big biceps. He said when he came out at 2 years old he was doing dead lifts. He said they wondered where his muscles came from. He said they didn't even need a DNA test. He said he even wore a condom. He said that the sperm are so strong that they just punched their way out.
Howard said he has a ton of people on the phone now. He said he didn't want to get into this but he has another guy. He said Jim says that he found out through DNA that his mom wasn't his mom. He said he met his real mom and she died of COVID 2 weeks after he met her.
Howard picked up on Jim and asked what happened with him. Jim told the story about how he met his real mom and she died from COVID. Jim told Howard about how he found out with this DNA test. He said that he got in touch with a family member and then found out who his mom was. He went to meet her at a home she was in. He went into details about who her dad was and how he was 74 when he knocked her up. He said that means he was born in like 1891. Howard said he must have been adopted then. Jim said he was and he was never told. He said he had nothing in common with his family and he knew that he didn't belong there.
Robin said she's thinking she should do one of these tests. Howard said there's no way she wasn't adopted. He said stop calling with the stories.
Howard took one more from a woman named Crystal who said that she did a DNA test and she found out she had a first cousin who she didn't know about. She said she found out that she has a new daddy. She said that's how that goes. Howard said they all need their own radio shows. Howard said he knows there's more people but he doesn't have the time.
Howard played some clips of people on Maury finding out their DNA test results. He had a few different ones where people freaked out when they found out the results. The crowd would go wild when they revealed the results.
Howard laughed at the clips. He said Maury is the thinking man's Jerry Springer. He said he was on fire in the ratings. He said they had troubled teens on the show too. He said they'd find girls who bragged about wanting to get knocked up. He played some examples.
Howard said they also had people on with strange phobias. He said they'd find someone who was afraid of pickles. Howard played an example of that where this girl was talking about how much she hates pickles and how she runs away from them. She said it's the shape and texture and color. They sent her to a pickle factory to get her reaction there. She asked them to just let her leave.
Howard said he would torture people too. He said this is a woman who was afraid of balloons. Howard played a clip where this woman was freaking out about balloons and how they float. She ran back stage to where there were even more balloons. JD said it was like the Saw movies. They popped some balloons and the woman freaked out and ran off to more balloons back stage.
Howard said they want to take credit for that because they did that with High Pitch Erik with fish. He said he had a phobia for dead fish and they chased him around the studio with a dead fish. He played a clip from that day.
Howard said they salute Maury. He said he's not sure why they had to end that show. Robin said Maury is like 80 something. She said he was just done. Howard said they miss Maury. JD said they once had a woman who had a mustard phobia and they had someone come out to put it in her face.
Howard said JD was a big fan of Maury's. JD said he was. He said Jerry Springer got kind of goofy but Maury stuck to it. He said there is a void on daytime TV now. He said it sucks. Robin said watching that makes you wonder how they didn't know Trump would get elected. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said this is Cheap Trick. He said that they're not in the hall of fame are they? Gary said they are. He said he thinks they got in a couple of years ago. Howard said they're really good.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Willie Nelson and how he should be in the hall of fame. Howard said he doesn't care and let the guy go. He said he thinks the guy was just taking too long to get to his point.
Howard said James Cargill wrote a song parody about him and how he goes on the Incognito mode in his browser. Howard played that song parody.
Howard said that's a very catchy song. He said he'll be opening for his band Tuchus when they go on tour. He said tickets are selling for $5,000. He said the concert will only be matinee shows. He said that he's very honored that he would think about him and write a song about him.
Howard said he was going through the email and a lot of people wrote in about Beth and her sugar addiction. Robin said she kicked that addiction once. Howard said her mom was ridiculing her over it. He said she eats it all day and Beth thinks she can do the same thing. He said she was going off the walls with her sugar.
Howard read some of the comments about Beth and how additive sugar is. He said Gary and Beth were texting about their addictions. He said that Gary loves his chocolate too. Gary said he's in his 9th day without sugar. He said he had pounding headaches for the first few days. He said he feels pretty good now. Howard said he must have inspired Beth. He said she got off sugar and her friend was over. He said they had some iced tea in the house and she drank it down. He said it was low in sugar but not no sugar. He said he told her that there was sugar in it. Gary said he's been having grapes and stuff but he had to get rid of the chocolate. He said he was eating half a bag of chips a day. He said he does feel pretty good now. He said the first 3 days he was going out of his skin.
Howard read more feedback about Beth's issue. He said that someone wrote in about him bringing up the Reggie bar to her yesterday. Howard said he didn't think about her being addicted to sugar when he brought that up.
Howard read some feedback about the St. Patrick's game they played yesterday. He read some of the comments they got about that. They talked about how bad JD is reading his questions. Howard had JD read some stuff from Jon Hein's book to see just how bad he is at reading. He did fine but messed up a couple of words.
Howard said that they have a bonus game from that game they played yesterday. Howard said this is some background on the interview. Howard played a clip of a guy talking to Sal about what he was doing there at the parade. They asked him to name 3 Asian people. Robin said she doesn't think he'll be able to do it. The guy named some people but they weren't the right names. Howard said he was close. He named one porn star and JD looked her up to see how hot she was. JD said she is pretty hot. Her name was Kazumi Squirts
Howard played another question JD asked this guy. He asked in what part of the body the something is located. Robin said she's going to say yes. Howard said no way. Howard played the clip and the guy said it's in his dick.
Howard played a clip where the guy was asked if he knows who wrote Mein Kampf. Robin said she hopes not. The guy said his good friend Hitler wrote it.
Howard asked JD if he saw The Bachelor last night. JD said he did and he spent a minute talking about what he saw on it. They played a song parody about his mumble mouth after that.
Howard played another clip where JD asked the guy if he can name 3 oceans. Robin asked if Howard can do it. Howard said he thinks he can. He said Atlantic, Pacific and Indian. Robin said she will say this guy can't do it. Howard played the clip and the guy said ''Pacific, Atlantic and your sister's vag after I get done with it.'' Howard said he might be right but he can't count it.
Howard said this is JD's final question. Howard played the clip and JD asked the guy what ASAP stands for. Robin said she doesn't think he'll know. Howard played the clip and the guy said ''As your Sister's Ass is Perfect.''
Howard asked if this guy gave JD a wedgy at all. JD said no but he seemed like the kind of guy who would have back in the day. Howard said it's fucking crazy. He said good job to JD.
Robin asked if they think if they played this for the guy that he'd never want to be that drunk again.
Howard read more fan feedback about the discussion they had about the Rock and Roll hall of fame yesterday. People wrote in about Gary voting for The Spinners over Soundgarden. Howard said he really did that. Howard goofed on Gary about that for a short time.
Howard played some Willie Nelson music and asked Gary if he's moved by it. Gary said it's good. Howard said he's going to ask Billy Corgan about this. He said that he thinks Billy will go with Willie Nelson. Gary said he's not a huge Willie Nelson fan. He said he can name some of his songs. Gary asked if he would go to Spotify and put on his music. Howard didn't answer that. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he has Billy Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins there. He said that's his man right there. He said if he could be a rock star he'd be Billy.
Howard asked if it's cold in there. Billy said he is sitting under an air conditioner on top of having to sit there for an hour talking to Howard. Howard said they can take care of that.
Howard said the guys made some interesting videos back in the day. He said they were cool and edgy. He said he remembers when Beavis and Butt-Head were talking about how cool they were. He said they didn't even put them down. He said he thinks it was ''Today'' that they were into. He said then they were asking why they weren't smashing any pumpkins. He said that must have mattered to them too. Billy said he crossed his fingers hoping they wouldn't brutalize him. He said that would have hurt.
Howard said it's such a crazy business where you have to worry about that. Billy said he thinks about what plagued him so much in the 90s and it really didn't matter.
Howard asked Billy about making his first album with Butch Vig and then he goes off and makes the Nirvana album and stole his guitar sound for Nirvana. Billy said he was upset about that and it wasn't just that but Curt was with Courtney at the time. He said that it was more to do with that. Howard asked if he was madly in love with Courtney. Billy said he was. He said he threw her out of his apartment. He said he had a girlfriend at the time and he had to kick Courtney out when his girlfriend was coming for a visit. He said he knew that if he kicked her out that she'd make a scene and that's what led to that.
Billy said that he and Courtney have had their ups and downs but they're still in touch. He said they still maintain that relationship. He said they made up 4 or 5 years ago. He said she's in a very good place right now. He said they have conversations now that are like they had in 1990. He said they've been through all of the bullshit and they can get through that and laugh at what they went through.
Howard said he can't imagine them as a couple. Billy said just the drugs alone were mind blowing. He said she was into some stuff. He said that some people can go a lot harder than us mortals. He said that it's a whole other thing.
Howard said when you're in a relationship with someone like that it has to be hard and maddening. Billy said there were some benders in there where he didn't think he would survive. He said she was fine the whole time. Howard said she must have taught him something. Billy said some people get you more than others. He said they can pull things out of you. He said that they had a significant relationship. He said there were times when he was there for her and it was like a family. He said that was important to him.
Howard said talk about significant that first Hole album was unbelievable. Billy said it was the third one actually. He said they were label mates at the time. He said she didn't get the credit she deserved. He said that she reached out to him and asked him to guide her through the process. He said he's sure that Curt was there helping her but she deserves a lot of credit too. He said that she's taken credit for some of his own songs.
Howard said he wrote the song ''Luna'' about her. Howard played the song. He said he'd be weirded out by that too. He said this is a great song. He asked how he gets that sound on his voice. Billy said he used to double his voice a lot. Howard said it's thick. Billy said he sang like a total idiot so that's how he got the sound. He said he didn't like his voice at the time. He said people think he can't sing like that anymore but he can. He said it's just a ridiculous way to do it. He said it's like wearing the right shirt and you keep doing it. He said the voice became its own monster.
Howard said Ozzy doubles his voice and he loves it. Billy said that's who he stole it from. Howard said he thinks Billy said that someone was playing Ravi Shankar in one room and Black Sabbath was in another room. Billy said that was his own idea. He said he played both while he was on acid. He said that's what he was playing. He said if you stood in the right spot he could hear both. Howard said this is Silver Fox and he sees what he means. He said that's how he came up with the idea of how his band should sound. He said he hears it in this song. Howard said this is pretty fucking good.
Billy said he didn't have the voice to sing power rock like Chris did. He said that he was able to sing in his own way and cut it down a little. He said that made it right for some people.
Howard said he's always blown away by guys like Pete Townshend who can write songs but not sing them. He said it's incredible when you can write and sing.
Howard said he likes the way Billy writes. He said he can't write sheet music so he has to work with people to set it up. Billy said they spent like 4 days doing it and they kept saying they can't do it. He said they would tell him no and he'd ask why. He said they don't want to play certain notes but he wanted them to do it. Howard said that's why he's great. He said he wasn't limited by that. He said he made it exist. Billy said there are some rules in classical music and he wondered why not. He said it's rock and roll but they had rules.
Howard asked if he's proud of this. He had the musical part of ''Tonight, Tonight'' playing. Howard asked if this is the best thing he's ever done. Billy said he's not sure about that. He said he thinks about the old times and he's trying to find how much he's interested in that. He said he can do something like that and he told someone who was classically trained to do something different. He said it shouldn't have worked. He said they had to play to the band speeding up and slowing down because they didn't have a click track.
Howard said when you write the song ''Tonight, Tonight'' do you hear it in your head. Billy said he did hear it in his head. He said they were basically doing a bad imitation of The Who. He said it would have sounded like them. He said he heard a roar in his head and that's what he wanted to put on the track. He said that he didn't know what notes they were. Howard asked if that's frustrating. Billy said he used to argue with his dad about his abuse and how it made him who he is. He said that he has no training for that. Howard asked if he wanted to smash his father in the face over saying that. He said his mom said something like that to him about his childhood. Billy said that he had to make peace with that being his life. He said he could be working at McDonald's. Howard said his old man was a piece of work.
Howard said the World is a Vampire tour is coming up and you can get tickets now. Howard said he wrote that great line about the world being a vampire. He said he thinks about ''I Used to be a little boy'' line too. He said that's something he thinks about a lot. He said his mom had to go into a mental institution when Billy was just 4. He said that had to fuck his head up. Billy said his dad was gone by then. He said his father split with his brother to Puerto Rico. He said that his mom had a breakdown and he never lived with her again. Howard said he didn't realize that. Billy said that was it. He said she was in the institution. He said that she got out and went to live with a member of his family. He said that they told him that she was claiming that the cats were talking to her and space aliens were coming after her. He said he was invited to see his mother and they took her to a garage apartment and she was a different person when he saw her. He said it was just a totally different human being.
Howard said that must have been weird. He said that she was a totally different person. Billy said she didn't want him to refer to her as mom. He said he wasn't allowed to call her mom. He said that she was embarrassed by what had gone on. Howard said what a complicated thing. He said he's not sure how you come out of that.
Howard said maybe all of the angst he had was from having a mother like that. Billy said he wasn't mad at Butch Vig. He said he has worked things out. He said that he has an issue with loyalty. He said there are some things he never got sorted out. He said that you start with your mother and father. He said both of them abandoned him in different ways. He said that you go out of your way to attract people into your life to do that over and over again.
Howard said you think you're not lovable and no one wants to know you. He said that you think there's something wrong with you. He asked if he can ever get over that. Billy said there are still people telling him there's something wrong with him and he's 56. He said he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. He said he reacted in ways because that's the way he thought he had to react.
Billy said that he was talking to a guy from Rolling Stone and he was talking about the old Billy. He said that he's surrounded by good people now. He said that he has a fiancee and kids and life is awesome. He said people don't want to let go of things he said in 1994. He said that was a crazy time for him.
Howard asked if he worried that he was crazy like his mother was. Billy said no. He said everyone was crazy around him and they relied on him to be the stable one. He said his father would be in jail asking for advice. He said it was very strange. He said he had a weird life and he had to raise a disabled child and he was the star student in school. He said he was the one who was bullied in school. He said they used to make fun of his birth mark on his hand. He said he has a birth mark all the way up his arm.
Billy said that they lived next door to this Italian family and this old lady there was motioning at his arm. He said that she'd motion pregnant mom and she pointed at his arm thinking that his father punched his mother in the stomach when she was pregnant. He said that he thought it was an old wives tale but he asked his dad if he did that and he admitted he had hit her in the stomach.
Howard said Paul Stanley had something similar happen and that's why he became the rock star he is. He said if you have anything different you're fucked. He said fuck all of you who made fun of him. Billy said it doesn't solve that problem. He said he had depression in the 90s and early 2000s. He said that it doesn't solve any problems. Billy said he was able to figure things out in the past 10 years. He said that it's actually been great the whole time and he didn't know it.
Howard said Billy probably went to women and asked them to be his mother. Billy said that's not sexy at all. Howard said a woman can't fulfill that. He said you come off as needy. Billy said it's unfair too. He said he knows people like that and he's not sure what that is. He said he's glad he didn't fall into that. He said there are women who will play that role for you and it's not unusual. Howard said Ozzy called Sharon ''Mama'' and she took care of all of his needs. He said who's to judge. Billy said ''Me.''
Howard said they were having a discussion about the Rock and Roll hall of fame. He said he was arguing with Gary about the Spinners over Willie Nelson. Billy said that they don't know what Gary went through with that music so it's hard to say. Howard said he has talked to him about it and it's crazy that they're not in the hall of fame. Billy said you know it's bad when the journalists apologize for it for you. He said it turns into click bait now. He said that they have a yearly debate about it. He said it's hard to argue against The Spinners. He said what they're after over time has changed. He said they're putting pop stars in and more. He said it's just a social media mess now and he's staying out of it. He said there is no winning.
Howard asked if Billy ever gets into the best guitar player of all time argument. He said they talked about it on the show and he got a list from Adam Levine. He said that Brian May was voted the best of all time. Howard said he thinks Jimi Hendrix has to be at number 1. He said then Eddie Van Halen or Jimmy Page. Howard asked if he ever thinks about that. Billy said they do have those debates at times. He said he agrees with Howard on the top 3. He said he thinks that the imitators get mentioned and the innovators may be left to the side. He said that there are people ripping each other left and right. He said that's just rock and roll.
Howard said Billy had to listen to the greats to become what he became. He said you sit and copy and you learn from that. He said you see how they did it and then you do it. Billy said his father caught him trying to imitate and he told him to do his own thing. He said he learned to listen and make it his own. Howard asked what his father did. Billy said his father was a great musician. He said he just blew every chance he had. He said he'd blow it with drugs or whatever. He said he was very talented.
Howard asked how long he was in jail. Billy said he got arrested three times in different decades. He said he was selling drugs to fund his own habit. He said he doesn't think he wanted to be that guy. He said he was very smart but he ended up fixing cars and he thought about shooting himself. He said that he told him he had the gun to his head but then he'd hear their voices and that stopped him.
Howard asked what he thinks it meant for his father when he saw his success. Billy said he was really jealous. He said he didn't pat him on the head and say he was proud of him. He said he acted like he was using some weird magic trick to become famous. He said that his father listened to his album and he wondered who the person was singing those songs. He said that he acted like he was a total stranger.
Billy said he was god at working on cars. He said he'd sit there while his father worked. He said he'd just sit there and he wouldn't say a word. He said it was so weird because he didn't remember that at all. Howard said his father was good at carpentry and he was just so angry at him. He said he'd try to be around that but his father didn't want him around. He said he thought it would be so magical.
Billy said his father wanted him to not play guitar. He said he tried to get him not to. He said it was so weird. He said the crazy thing is that after his father died he went to his house to go through some of his stuff. He said next to his bed was the lyric book for Mellon Collie.
Billy said he was the one who wanted to play guitar and his father would try to teach his brother who wanted nothing to with guitar. He said he'd ask to hold it and his father would say no. He said it was so weird.
Billy said his father came in one day when he was playing and he told him he was actually getting good. He said he just walked away after that. Howard said it's a strange thing.
Billy said he and his dad did speak before he died. He said he was told he underestimated him and he realized he is great. Howard said he got it too late though. Billy agreed. Howard said he should have been telling him he was the sunshine of his life. Billy said he tells his kids that all the time and he just wants them to be happy. He said that's what's important to him.
Howard said he describes his history where he was suicidal. Howard asked how close he came. Billy said when it was really bad it was in 1992. He said he would take drugs and stand in a window and try to will himself to throw himself out the window. He said he wasn't able to do it. He said now he thanks god he didn't have that in himself to do that.
Howard said he wrote ''Today'' and ''Disarm'' in a day. Billy said he did that when he was depressed. He said that some people pick a day to go out when you're depressed. He said he woke up that day and he didn't know what he was going to do. He said he had to figure out what to do. He said he had to move on or get it over with. He said he can't keep doing the same thing he was doing and he had to move on. Howard said the song makes sense now. He said that maybe he was saying that he decided to live and today is the greatest day of his life. Billy said that's it. He said he was telling himself that he was worth it and he had to go on. He said when he finally made the decision he was going to be the real William Patrick Corgan. He said that these songs were popping out of him and no one was more surprised than he was. He said the band was wondering what was going on too.
Howard asked if he had a moment in his life when he came out of this and realized things were different for the band. Billy said not really. He said that people were still critical of the band. He said they may have been saying positive things but he didn't hear it. He said his memory was that they were always telling him what he shouldn't have done. He said he was being told he was an idiot. He said he's not sure what they were doing.
Billy said they met in the mid 90s and he was thinking about how great Howard was and things were crumbling beneath him. He said he had the number 1 album and he had bet his whole life on this album. He said every time he turned around he had someone telling him he was an idiot. He said it was people around him who weren't supportive. Howard asked how that happens. Billy said he's not sure. He said the management was very negative at the time. He said that it's like a chef making a great meal and then someone tells you that you should just make a hot dog and you'll be huge. He said just make a fucking hot dog. He said that's what his analogy is.
Howard said he mentioned the song ''Disarm'' which is the one that is his masterpiece. He said just listen to this. He played some of that song. Billy said he's the one who wrote that song and he arranged the strings. He said not once after that song did someone tell him that was something they wanted more of. He said not one time did anyone tell him that they wanted more of that. He said ''Bullet with Butterfly Wings'' was the song that explained that. He said it was a big hit and that's what they wanted. He said to this day that's what people asked for. He said they tell you you're worthless if you don't do what they want. He said he was told he was worthless and he was told that if he told his teachers about what was going on at home he'd end up in a foster home. He said he was bullied and threatened into a spot. He said he wrote these songs and then the management is telling him that he's doing it all wrong. He said that he was trying to fight forward and they tell you that you have no value. He said you end up in survival mode.
Billy said he went to South By Southwest one time and he asked the audience to raise their hand if they bought a song or an album of his. He said they had 15,000 people raise their hands. He said a guy stood up and started criticizing him in the crowd. He invited him on stage and the guy said he didn't want to hear him whine about his life. He said he had to tell the guy that music is his survival and he had it all wrong. He said he wasn't writing for that guy. He writes music to survive.
Howard asked what he would have done without music. Billy said he'd be dead. He said this world is insane. He said it's crazy out there. He said we celebrate things we shouldn't and put people down and don't show kindness. He said we live in a crazy, crazy world.
Howard said he writes so many great songs and he is able to create from his misery. He said it's spectacular. He said that he got the triple whammy. He said he had a step mother who would beat him. He asked what she would do. Billy said it was more about the constant threat of violence. He said the beatings were the end of it. He said it was the waiting that was far more damaging. He said she'd come in and beat him in the middle of the night. He said you can't sleep. He said then you try to figure that person out and why they're doing what they do. He said there was some crazy dangerous stuff that she did. Howard said you can't go to your father or mother. Billy said he went to his father when he was like 14. He said he asked him to come in for a meeting and he let him know what was going on. He said in the middle of that his father slammed his fist down and told him to shut the fuck up and deal with it. Howard said what a prince that guy was.
Howard asked if his father ever came to him looking for money. Billy said he stole from him multiple times.
Billy told a story about his father coming to him after not talking to him for a while. He said he was living under the train racks in Chicago. He said they had distant contact. He said one day he asked him out to dinner. He said he had a new car and new clothes. He said he kept hearing from family who were asking if he won the lottery. He said that he called his dad and it turns out his wife's aunt won $28 million. He said that they were taken care of by this woman. He said he didn't tell him because he didn't want to have to pay him back the money he stole from him.
Howard asked how you can be in a healthy relationship. He said he's not sure how he can do that when he had a woman who beat him. Billy said he found someone who actually loves him in Chloe. Howard asked when he realized that she really loves him. Billy said he thinks the day his son was born. He said he felt it. He said he understood that this was different. He said he has tested it and questioned it many times. He said that she told him why she wanted to be married and part of that was financial security. He said she told him that and she was honest about it. He said he found someone 26 years younger than him who likes him. He said she really likes him and she tells him that all the time.
Howard said they've been together 10 years and he finally proposed to her. Howard asked how he did it. Billy said on her 30th birthday he gave her a picture of a ring he had drawn. He said that's how they did it. He said that he had to do something new and try to lean into success instead of waiting for failure. He said he has two kids are great and he wanted to do something for someone what was right. He said he was able to work all of that out in his head.
Howard said she must have been shocked. He said who knew. Howard asked why he lives like 30 minuets from where he grew up. Billy said he tried to move away. He said he went home every time. He said he has a cafe outside the city and people say hi to him there. He said he still talks about ''Da Bears'' there and he should be out there on a private plane. He said the best answer he can give is that something about being home quiets his mind and he's able to work. He said in New York or L.A. He gets distracted. He said there's a lot going on there. He said he can't do it in those places. He said where he grew up rock stars are number 1. Howard said him too. Billy said that there are rock stars who are gods to him and you should give them something for that. He said in L.A. they give a table to the guy who was an extra Zombie in some movie.
Howard said he feels more about music than he ever did with religion. He said he gets what he's saying. Billy said that it's like living in Satan's den in L.A.
Howard said he looks at the songs they do and he was looking at what they cover. He said Space Oddity is one. He played some of that. Howard said it's such a great song. He said they also play ''Stairway to Heaven.'' Howard played some of that. Howard asked if they ever got to hang with them. Billy said a little bit. He said Robert Plant and Jimmy Page came to one of his birthday parties. He said he also spent a lot of time with David Bowie. He said it's interesting with those guys that they built what we all live in now. He said you have to look at them like prophets or something. He said paying homage to them is showing that he appreciates that he's where he is because of them.
Howard said sometimes meeting your idols doesn't work out. He said sometimes it can be great. Howard said he's blown away by the Laurel Canyon kind of stuff. He asked if Billy would want to do something like that where he works with other artists. Billy said he'd love it. He said musicians need to play together. He said the business makes it hard to do that.
Howard said they cover James Taylor's Fire and Rain too. Howard asked if he was a big fan. Billy said his step mom would listen to this kind of stuff. He said he hated this music at the time. He said this is his way of making peace with it. He said James Taylor is great but he hated it at the time because of his step mother. Howard said that's so interesting.
Howard and Billy talked about Neil Young too and Billy said he thought Neil was about freedom and he didn't like it when he went after Joe Rogan. He said he helped create this creative freedom. Howard said he thinks Neil felt that he didn't want to be part of that platform at the time. Billy said there's a difference between trying to silence someone and disagreeing with them. He said this was like trying to silence him.
Howard asked if Billy has ever had a jam session with guys from other bands. Billy said sort of. He said he has done that with a band called Spirits in the Sky. He said Dave Navarro and some other guys were in the band.
Howard said the guys are going to play two songs for them today. He said they're going out on tour. He talked to Billy about the tour and how they're going to have some wrestling there too. He said it'll be like a festival feel. Howard said they have a new album ''ATUM'' coming out. Howard asked what the correct pronunciation is. Billy said he thinks it's ''A toom.''
Howard said the album is a rock opera. He said that's like a tribute to The Who. Billy said it's a tribute to many bands. He said people told him it was a bad idea to do it. He said he knew it was a bad idea but he likes that. He said he wants to see what happens. He said they're having a lot of success doing it. He said they're doing what they were good at and people seem to respond.
Howard played s song from the new album called ''Beguiled.'' He said he loves this. He asked if he writes the riff first. Billy said he does. Howard asked about his writing process and about his favorite guitar.
Howard asked about the music video that they did for this song. He asked if it was done in one take. Billy said it was. He said they didn't have a lot of money to spend on the video like they did back in the day. He said they had a good time making that.
Howard said they have a single called ''Spell Binding'' and this is a different sound for them. Howard played the song. Howard asked who picks the single. Billy said they have people they talk to and they figure out what they think is going to work. He said the old way of doing it is over now.
Howard asked if they're ready to play. Billy said he is. He asked if they should jump right into it. Howard said sure. They were going to do ''1979'' first. Howard said it's cold in their studio there. He said Jimmy is there on drums, Matt is on bass. He said that he wants to give his theory on the song while they set up. Howard said he thinks this song is dealing with leaving the 70s and he's not sure what's ahead in the 80s. Billy said emotionally he's right. Billy explained writing the song and how he came up with the name of it and where the emotion came from. He said that it has nothing to do with the actual year.
Howard said hi to everyone in the band. He spent a minute talking to James about his guitar. He said hi to Jeff and asked about his guitar too. They spent a short time talking about how much time they play and practice. Howard said hi to Jimmy on drums too. He spent a short time talking to him about practicing too. He had him demonstrate his practicing too. Howard asked Billy about how he practices too. He had him demonstrate as well. Howard said he just beat off and read comic books as a kid. He said he should have been plying guitar. Howard spent a few seconds with Matt talking about his bass playing too.
Howard had the guys perform the song ''1979.'' After the song Howard said that was beautiful. He asked how many times they have played that on the radio. Billy said oh my god.
Howard asked what kind of foot pedals they have over there. He said it looks so cool. He spent a few minutes going over that with Jimmy. He asked if he can demonstrate the different sounds they can get. Jimmy explained what it can sound like and how it can change. Howard had him demonstrate it.
Howard said the new song they're going to play is called ''Empire.'' Howard asked Billy how long he worked on this. Billy said this was a long time. He said this is about the government and technology and things like that. Howard said it doesn't sound like the future is too rosy. Howard asked if the guys know this song. Billy said they do open with it so they know it now. Howard said he noticed that James sings harmonies. He asked if he will do that on this song. James said not on this particular track. Howard asked Billy about looking for someone to sing harmonies for the band. Billy said they look at it more like they're two lead singers.
Howard asked if they're ready to go. They were so Howard had them do their thing. They played ''Empire.'' After the song Howard said ''Yeah!'' He said that was a good one. He said it's very powerful. He said he took his top off for that one.
Howard said he's excited about the new tour. He said the boys are going out and sharing one hotel room and doing their thing. He said it's the World is a Vampire tour.
Howard said the new album is coming out May 5th. He reviewed some of the stuff they talked about. He said he knows that Billy was friends with Lisa Marie Presley. He said she reached out to him to work with her on an album. Billy said he did work with her on one. He said she was really talented and she had a great voice. He said she got her father's voice and it's too bad she didn't make more. He said she was awesome. He said it was tough for him. He said that she was really cool and unique.
Howard asked if Lisa Marie talked about her father. Billy said he did and she told him about what she knew about him and he sounded amazing and unique. Howard asked if he was an Elvis fan. Billy said he was. Howard said he didn't mean much to him for some reason. He said it eluded him. Billy said he thinks he changed things more than anyone else did. He said the problem was the shlocky movies. He said he was at the Michael Jackson level but it doesn't come across. Howard said he had bad management too.
Howard said the guys sound magnificent. He said go out and see them if you get the chance. He said they know how to sing and play. He gave them more plugs and wrapped up. They ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard said he loves Rob. He said they performed the song at the premiere of Private Parts on MTV. He said it was a very exciting time in his life.
Howard said he was telling the crew about something. He said they were talking about Uber drivers. He said he didn't know how complicated the rating system is. He said he didn't know the drivers rate the passengers. He said it's very complicated. He said they say if you get a 5 star rating as a passenger and you have a rating below a 4.8 or so the drivers won't pick you up. He was wondering how they rate you. He said there's tip and they started out without tipping. He said he's not sure how you fuck up sitting in a car. He said that he just sits there and he says good morning or whatever. He said that's it.
Robin said there are people who get in a car and they order the driver to take certain routes and stuff.
Howard asked who the three lowest rated riders are on the staff. Howard said Ralph is at a 4.3. He said Ronnie hated Ralph with a passion. He said he didn't want him in his car. He said he was belligerent and stuff like that. He said he has a real problem in life. He said no wonder he can't work for anyone. He said Ralph claims that people don't have a good sense of direction. He said he used to tell Ronnie that.
Howard got Ronnie on and asked him about that. Ronnie said if they got caught in traffic he'd go crazy. He said he'd tell him he didn't know where he was going. He said he'd do it to his guys too. Howard said Ronnie had lovely guys who drove for him. He said they know the city. He said Ralph would get upset and say they didn't know where they were going. Ronnie said he whispers to Howard and it's really insulting. Howard said Ralph is rude.
Chris Wilding said that Ralph has 13 one star ratings. He said that's out of 200 rides. He said he has six 2 stars and 10 3 stars and it goes up from there. He said he's at a 4.78 himself. He said he has had arguments with drivers. He said Ralph will tell drivers where to go. He said he gets upset and he doesn't whisper. He said he's very vocal.
Howard said it's crazy. He said JD told him that one driver fell asleep on him. He said they were driving and the guy stopped at a red light and he fell asleep at the light. He said JD said he had to wake the guy up. JD said that he eventually got out and walked. He said it was just a few blocks he had to walk. He said it was crazy.
Howard said Richard told him that he was in an Uber and he had to take a shit. He said he went to a pizza place. Richard said the guy went in and he sat in the car. He said he waited there and he gave him about 15 minutes and he finally had to get out. He said he got out of the car and it was still running. He said it was just out on a Manhattan street. Howard said basically that driver ditched him.
Gary said he was recently in L.A. and his friend was late and told him that the driver picked him up and there was construction so the guy ran to a port-a-potty to use it. He said his friend was irritated. He said he could have stopped on the way up.
JD asked if anyone has had their driver yell at someone else. Chris said he has. He said then they start spewing weird political beliefs. Gary said he had that. He said this guy told him about how people jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and he wanted them to put diving boards out there or them.
Richard said he had a driver that was texting the whole drive. He said he was afraid to say anything. Chris said he's seen guys watching TV. He said they do Instagram and stuff and it's scary.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra is banned for life from Uber. He had some audio of Lenny yelling at a driver. He said this is from a few years ago when they spent some time with him.
Howard said this guy Graham is an Uber driver. He took his call and Graham told Howard about the many things you rate someone for in the Uber app. He said someone might leave stuff in the car or spill stuff. He said the person who books the ride is the one getting rated. He said the other people might do stuff in the car. He said they might try to fit 7 people in a 4 passenger car. He said people do that to him. He said he had someone who had just jumped in a fountain wanting to get in the car. He said no way to that.
Graham said there are people who are constantly on their phones and the passengers get on Facetime and stuff. Chris said they were talking about the drivers. Graham said the passengers don't have to rate or tip until the next time they ride. Howard said he gets it. He said there are two sides to the story.
Howard took a call from another Uber driver who said he had a guy get in his car who said he had a GPS implanted in his foot. He said he was psycho. The caller, John, said he had foil on his foot and he said he had someone after him. He said he was going to have to take him on a long driver and he said no. He said he just had to be nice to the guy. He said he was arguing with him about where he should be going.
Howard said it's a nightmare to be a driver or a passenger. He said any job where you have to deal with humanity is awful. He said everyone is a nightmare.
Howard asked Robin who she thinks has the lowest ratings on Uber. He said they found out and it was kind of shocking but not shocking. Robin said she's thinking it's Jon Hein. Howard said she's good. Howard asked for a drum roll. Howard said the bottom 3 are Jon Hein with a 4.67 rating... and then he asked who is next. Robin said Sal. Howard said it's Benjy. He said Benjy has a 4.6. He said number 3 is Samantha with a 4.2. He said he asked her how that's possible. He said she seems nice. He said she explained and it's interesting. He said she doesn't take a lot of Ubers. He said she puts her mom in the ride and she uses her account.
Samantha said that her mom is a lot to deal with. She said that she does send her mother often and she sends other people too. He said her mom might do stuff to annoy the driver. She said she's not sure and she doesn't take them often enough to make her have a low rating like that. She asked if they think she'd have a lower rating than the other guys.
Howard said Chris doesn't believe that. Chris said that Ralph owns it and the other guys might too but it seems strange to blame it on people she sends in her rides. Sam said she's not doing this. She said she's not going to engage. Chris said maybe she's a bit of a Karen in the car. Sam said she thinks it's fine to banter with people but if you talk shit to people off air then you can't interject into this. Howard said he didn't want to get into this. He said he believes Sam could be getting the low ratings from other people riding. Sam said she doesn't go out and party a lot and she doesn't take a lot of Ubers. She said she has a car.
Chris and Sam went back and forth for a minute. Sam asked if anyone thinks that she's a Karen. Howard said no one is sure but Chris is questioning it. Sam asked if anyone wants to step up and say something. Gary said he's stepping up in defense of Sam. He said they talk off air. He said that he thinks she can't fake it at work and be that different off air. Chris said Gary is a bit of a Karen himself.
Sam said she knows what it's like to be treated like shit in the service industry. She said she has had it happen to her. She said she makes sure to say please and thank you and tip. She said she thinks her mom may talk too much and that might be what it is.
Chris said to be one point below Ralph you have to be bad. Sam said he's right and she's pulling her pants down and spreading her asshole in the car. Howard said Sam is blaming her mother and her dog.
Howard asked Jon Hein what his excuse is. Jon said he's a friend of the service industry as well. Howard asked what his problem is. Jon said his rating is a 4.67 because when he's in an Uber he has certain standards that should be met. He said he tips very well but it's his ride and if the driver is on the phone and playing music he doesn't like then he may let them know in a polite way. He said that has led to him getting 13 one star ratings. He said he has also gotten 368 5 star ratings. He said he understands why his rating is what it is. He said he accepts it.
Howard asked Jon what he will say if he's playing music he doesn't like. Jon said he may run down his window or pretend that he's on the phone and complain about the volume. Jon said he doesn't want to talk to the driver either. He said that he just wants to get where he's going.
Howard said Jon is accepting responsibility. He said that he remembers that Jon was pushing people out of the way when people were looking at the eclipse there a couple years ago. Robin said he's also a road rage person so she's sure the way the person drives is very irritating to him. Jon said she is right but he tempers his feelings on that. He said they may appreciate his honest feedback.
Howard asked if Jon really pushed through crowds at Rockefeller Center to get to his lunch spot. Jon said he's fine with the eclipse thing. He said just get out of the way. He said he's right about the Rockefeller Center thing. He said just stay out of the way. He said he wants to get to where he's going.
JD said he used to go to lunch with Jon and he would follow him like a fullback and just let him push people out of the way.
Howard said Ralph has a low rating and he's on the phone. He went over his low ratings and Ralph said he's surprised it's not lower. He said he has zero tolerance for incompetence. He said Uber used to be great. He said you'd get into a nice car and the guys knew how to drive. He said things have changed. He said it became so popular and now they're at the point where any person with a cell phone can drive. He said they just need a cell phone and 4 wheels. He said they have no standards. He said just know where the fuck you're going. He said it's insulting.
Ralph said the other night he got into a car and he was like half a mile from the Holland Tunnel. He said he just anted to get home. He said it should have been 15 minutes. He said he got in the back and the guy was uptown going toward the Holland Tunnel. He said they were like half a mile from where they should have been going. Howard thanked him for the call.
Sam asked if he's out of line doing that. Howard said he's been in the car with Ralph and he will complain about the driver and he just asks him to relax. He said he gets so worked up over this stuff. He said he'll hear Ronnie tell him he's going to beat his ass. He said then Ralph wants to drive. He said it turns into a horrible experience. He said he doesn't care if they're delayed. He said he gets him there eventually.
Howard said he has no idea either way how long it should take. He said then Ralph gets him worked up over that.
Ralph said one time they were in the car with one of the other drivers. Howard said no no names. Ralph said they were going to see Star Wars Episode VII. Howard said they were going to a free movie and Ralph is getting a free meal and movie. He said he has to calm down.
Ralph said they were at Nobu 57 and they were going to this premiere. He said he was excited to see it. He said they had to go down to 34th street. He said this guy just had to go up and over to get there. He said this guy took a loop through Rockefeller Center during Christmas time. He said it took like an hour to get there. He said it should have been 10 minutes. He said they were late for the movie.
Howard said they should interview Sam's mother about what she does in the car. Sam said she'll probably throw her under the bus. Ralph said she must be bad in the car.
Howard said it doesn't surprise him that Benjy has a bad rating. He asked why he thinks that is. Benjy said he's been sending Sam's mom in his rides too. He said a 4.6 sounds good to him. Howard said it does to him too. Benjy said he has tweeted out that Uber should make the drivers talk to him. He said that might have something to do with it. Howard said he's doing the shtick thing. Sam said he's probably late. Chris said she might be light. Benjy said she has Chicken his dog with him sometimes. He asked Sam if she puts her mom in a bag. Howard laughed.
Howard said it wasn't that surprising that these guys were rated where they were. He said Jon Hein can get so angry and he gets that. He said he gets that. He said the thing was that the guys interviewed an Uber driver and he told a story about him that just wasn't true. He said he claims he's been listening to him since Hartford. He said this story isn't true though.
Howard played a clip of the guy talking about how he got picked up by this guy in 1979. He said he was probably a cab driver at the time. Howard said this guy thinks it happened but it just didn't happen. He played more of the clip and the guy told a story about how Howard didn't know where he was going and he knew he couldn't get in the front door. He said he started listening to Howard from that day on. He said he might be the guy who has listened the longest. The guy told a story about how he didn't talk much in the car.
Howard said he has met a lot of people like this who have stories like that but he had no money back then and couldn't afford a cab. He said he had a car that was a shit box. He said back in those days he wouldn't have trusted a driver to get him there. He said he was getting there at 6 and he drove his own car. He said the other reason it's not a real story is because that wasn't their address back then. He said there was no side entrance. Fred said that guy told an address that was built after Howard left.
Howard said those stories drive him crazy. He said they're just not true. Chris said at least it was a nice story. Howard said that's true.
Howard took a call from the guy, Bill, who said that's bullshit. He said he did take him on a drive. He said he took him to WCCC on South Whitney St. Howard said he's lying. He said he gave a different address. Bill insisted he picked his Jewish ass up. He said he told him he had to go to the side door. He said he started listening to him that day and has listened to him every since that day. Howard said he doesn't think Bill is making it up. He said he had a car. He said he didn't take a cab. Bill insisted that he did.
Fred asked if he took Howard to South Whitney on his first day of work. Bill said that's right. Fred said Howard started in 1978 and South Whitney didn't start until 1980. Howard said he never took a cab. Fred said Howard also had a Dodge Polara.
Howard said Bill is giving an address that was there after he left that place. Bill said he's not wrong. He said he worked on Sough Whitney. Fred said Howard worked on Asylum St. He said it was only a front entrance there. Fred said it's a nice story but it's not true.
Bill said that they were saying that they shouldn't tip Uber drivers. Howard said he never said that. He said they started out with the tip in the ride so he didn't have to deal with it. Howard said this guy is just arguing about what he said and not listening. Howard said maybe Bill picked up Rhea Pearlman or Fran Leibowitz back then. He said Fred knows where he worked and he didn't work at that address. Bill insisted he worked where he said he worked. Howard let Bill go a short time later.
Derek said that was his fault. He said he picked him up about 6 months ago and he had a vile Ronnie segment on in the car and he talked to him about the show. He said he heard the story and he apologizes for bringing that to the show. Howard said it's not a problem. He said there are many stories about him that just aren't true. He said he can't tell you how many people claim they knew him in college. He said he was a mess in college and he was so awkward and inward that he wasn't able to make friends. He said he won't get into it now but he had a weird ass upbringing. He said people claim they partied with him and drank with him. He said he only wishes that was true. He said that he didn't do any of this stuff they claim he did. He said it just wouldn't have happened.
Howard said he was in such bad shape that he would do LSD by himself. He said no one wanted to take it with him. Howard said Ralph had better work on his rating. Ralph said it stresses him out and he tries not to take the rides. He said they don't speak English and this guy was driving him at 20 miles per hour and there was no traffic. He said the ratings don't matter anyway. He said they're still picking him up. He said he could get a ride right now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they got an Uber at 2 in the morning and he had some family with him and his mother in law was puking in the back of the car. He said there was puke everywhere. Howard said this guy is blaming his mother too just like Sam.
Howard asked Chris if he believes Sam now. Chris said the drivers may want to hang themselves with these two.
Kathy said that she'd rather take a bicycle than go in an Uber these days. She said there's so many charges and it's ridiculous. She said she might as well talk to these guys.
Sam said it's like having Mariann from Brooklyn in the back of the car with her mother. Howard said they seem like very different people. He asked if they ever wonder how they're related. Kathy said Sam is a clone of her. She said she looks and sounds like her but she's funnier than her.
Howard said after hearing this story he believes Sam. They asked what Kathy's rating is. Kathy said she's not even sure. She said she doesn't know.
Howard said that Sam was going to sign her mother up for the senior Bachelor show. Sam said she was thinking about it. Howard asked if Kathy is hot. Kathy said for her age she thinks she is. She said she's going to be 69. She said she knows it's not her thing but she's never had an issue in that area. Howard asked how she is in bed. Kathy said she's fabulous. Sam asked her to please stop. Howard asked if she remembers what position she was in when Sam was conceived. Sam said they can contact her dad from the dead.
Howard said Kathy sounds like a lot of fun. He asked if she still thinks about dudes. Kathy said of course she does. She said she's not into porn though. She said she thinks about all kinds of things. Sam asked them to please stop talking about this. Everyone was talking over each other.
Sam said that her mom is almost 69 and men don't want to date women that age. She said she has a great body and she looks great. Derek said she shoed a picture of her mom working out one day. He said Jason might have that. Howard said Benjy would date her. Kathy said no thank you to that one. Howard said a 68 year old just blew Benjy off.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dice Clay who was looking for a threesome with these two. He said he usually starts with the daughter and works his way up to mom. He said the older women know how to use that thing. He said he'll give both of them an Uber ride on his face. He said that he'll give them 5 stars if they give them their brown star.
Sam said one day her mom came into the room after hearing her and her sister talking about sex and she came in and told them to never do anal and walked out.
Howard said Kathy seems like a wild ride. Ronnie said he wants to know more about her. He said he wants to know what kind of vibrator she's using. She wasn't giving that up. Everyone was talking over each other again. Howard let Dice go because Kathy was saying it might be time to go.
Howard saw the picture of Kathy they were talking about earlier too. He said she's a good looking woman. Howard asked when she was last with a man. Kathy said it's been a while. She said it's probably about 5 years. Sam said she's very picky. Ronnie said she'd be a lot of fun.
Sam said that she had a lot of guys hit on her who were younger and she would turn them down. She said that she didn't want that. Howard asked if Ronnie would do her. Ronnie said he would. He said he's 73. He said he'd do that. Kathy said he's getting married though. Howard said it's a new contest ''Bang Sam's Mom.''
Howard said he can see why Sam has a low rating now. He said it is her mom. Kathy said that you can't sit in the back and say nothing. Sam said you really can. She said she knows she's charming but not everyone wants to talk. Kathy said she understands. Howard said Kathy is hot and he's going to try to find someone for her. He said Ronnie is getting married but he'll try to find someone. He asked if she's a Lenny Dykstra fan. Sam said she's very successful and she's a catch.
Howard asked if Kathy is fully shaved. Kathy said she'll say yes. Sam said she's going to kill herself. Ronnie asked what kind of vibrator it is. Sam said she knows and she's not going to tell him. Ronnie said come on. Howard asked if they shared a vibrator. Sam said no way. Howard said his mom had this thing she had that she claimed was for her back injury. He said he used to jerk off with it all the time. He said he knew his mom used it but he put it on his balls and penis.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Arnold who asked if Kathy is any good with a mop. He asked if she's a good cleaner. Sam said that's the one thing her mom never did.
Ronnie kept asking about the vibrator. Kathy said she's not going to answer that. The whole line of questioning was making Sam uncomfortable.
Kathy said that one time she had a boyfriend and Sam was in college at the time. Sam asked her not to tell this story. Kathy went on with it anyway. She said she had a boyfriend and Sam was with her friends in the living room. She said the person came to visit her and she left the room thinking she was fine because the kids were loud. She said she went to the bathroom and Sam told her that her shirt was inside out.
Howard asked Sam what that felt like for her. Sam let out a sigh. Ronnie asked if she laid on the floor and listened in. Sam said she did not and that was very weird for him to do that. Sam said she is happy that her mom has been open sexually. She said they were all open about it. She said her mom was very open about it so she was very supportive of her. She said parents will shame their kids but her mom was very supportive.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Jeff Goldblum who said he likes hearing about this from Kathy. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin said she wonders if that story with her mom's shirt inside out stopped the whole conversation in the living room. Kathy said not at all. Howard asked why not say to the boyfriend that they should wait for the kids to leave before doing anything. He said she may have wanted to be wild in front of the kids. Kathy said it was different than that. She said that it was more of a people pleasing thing. Howard asked Sam if she heard her mother in the bedroom. Sam said her friends were jerking off against the wall. She said that's just weird. She said she didn't hear anything.
Chris did his Mildred voice talking about the stuff she was doing. Kathy said the guy put a pillow over her face to keep her quiet. Chris did the Mildred voice again but muffled.
Sam said when she was 12 or so she had a bad dream and she ran into her mom's room in the middle of the night and there was a man on top of her mom. She said he said they were just hugging but she knows they were fucking. Mildred said that she was hugging his penis with her mouth.
Howard said Kathy is a firecracker. He said he knows Ronnie would give her the ride of her life. Ronnie said they'd have fun. He said it would be nice. Howard said that way he'd be Sam's step father. Sam said they can play catch after he fucks her mom.
Howard said we're all sexual beings so don't be so uptight about sex talk. Sam said she's very open sexually but this is her mom. She said it makes her want to kill herself a little bit. She said she wants to crawl into a hole. Ronnie said she must be great in a lot of positions. Sam said she's sure she is.
Howard asked if it's true that Kathy is up for a lot of positions. Kathy said it's been a while but she's up for it.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Norm Macdonald who was saying he's interested in fucking Kathy too once she's dead like him. He said that she's 69 so he shouldn't have to wait too long.
Howard said Sam likes bad boys and is her mom like that too. Kathy said she was. She said it's been a while though. Howard asked what her definition of a bad boy is. Kathy said the first part is someone who is wild sexually. Ronnie laughed. She said that it's not choking and stuff like that but someone strong. She said that he has to be intelligent too. She said she would say that they're also totally unavailable. Ronnie said sorry about that. Howard said it's someone who will throw you down and take you. Kathy said then they walk away. She said that's what her definition of a bad boy is.
Howard said he's sure Kathy has to get to the gym and stuff. He asked if penis size matters to her. Kathy said she thinks it's ultimately a thing. She said she doesn't want it to be too big. She said it matters how it is when it's hard. Howard asked how big the biggest one was. Kathy said it was someone in college who had a big one. Howard asked how big Sam's dad was. She said he was well hung. Mildred said he was the size of a Mason jar.
Howard said this guy Ass Napkin Ed wants to be with her. Kathy and Sam both said no way to that. Howard had Ed on the phone and let him know the bad news. Howard let Kathy go and said he hopes she gets on The Bachelorette. He said she's delightful.
Howard asked Sam if it's true that Benjy wanted to date her sister and she said no. Sam said basically yes. Benjy said that's not true. He said she came to him and asked if he wanted to date her sister. Sam said that did not happen. Benjy said she did. He said that she was looking for someone and he was flattered. He said he didn't think it was a great idea. Sam said that's not what happened. She said she was complimenting him and she did say that she didn't get why he was single. She said she had just started there. She said she didn't know Benjy that well. She said he was always very nice to her. She said that she did mention that her sister was single too. She said she did ask him how old he was and Benjy wouldn't tell her. She said it went off the rails at that point.
Howard said there are a lot of guys on the phone who want to bang Sam's mother. He took a call from a 40 year old guy who wanted to try. Howard said her mom does sound like a fun woman. He said she doesn't sound old. He said she sounds youthful. Sam said she's a blast.
Howard asked if her mom is on any apps. Sam said she thinks she is. She said she's not sure what though. Chris was making up names for old people dating apps.
Howard said he loves knowing sexual stuff about his parents. He said he knows very little about his parents. He said that he got to know some on radio but not much. He said that he wanted to know what position his mother was in when he was conceived. He said he really wanted to know. He said she may have only put out in missionary. He said she didn't even know what doggy style was when he brought it up.
Howard said he thinks his dad was sexually frustrated. He said that his mother wanted to be celibate but his dad had needs so she gave in to them.
Howard said it was like his mom got drafted and she had to do what she did. He said that she did shock him once when she told him about how a blow job isn't really sex. He said she was agreeing with Bill Clinton about that when he got blown by Monica Lewinsky.
Sam said her mom was always open about sex. She said that it was surprising when she ran across the vibrator. She said that it was big, pink and sparkly. She said it made her feel icky and she's not sure why. Mildred said it looked like a unicorn's cock.
Howard said Ronnie kept asking what the vibrator looked like. He asked what he thinks now. Ronnie said that she had the real deal cock that she stuck in her. He said it wasn't one of those fake things. He said the fake thing had the big head on it and you rub it on your clit. He said that she was able to put this thing inside her.
Howard said that it would freak you out if she had lube and stuff. Sam said this is her only living parent. She said the vibrator wasn't clean. Chris asked if it was natural juices. Sam said there was no doody. She said maybe she was in a rush. Howard said maybe she used it when she had her period. She said tie wasn't red and brown. She said it was pink and sparkly.
Howard said the guys found a picture of the dildo. Sam said it looked similar to that. Howard said you don't want to think about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Sam is available. Howard said Sam is married with kids. Sam said she appreciates it though. The caller said this was the time to ask when she's all worked up.
Howard wrapped up and did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said this was a good song but they didn't have another hit after this. Howard went through the history of the song and the band. He said over in the UK they had more success than here.
Howard said he should read some feedback from the audience. He said the fans liked hearing The Smashing Pumpkins yesterday. He said that was Billy's 9th appearance on the show. He said he talked about a lot. He read some of the feedback they got about Billy's childhood stories. Howard said he thought Billy did them a great service talking about that stuff. He said the audience liked the songs they performed. He read some feedback from the fans about that. He played the songs too.
Howard said he found a Beavis and Butt-Head clip too. He said they talked about it yesterday during Billy's interview. He played the clip where Beavis and Butt-Head were watching their video for ''Today'' and didn't trash them. They were just upset that they weren't actually smashing pumpkins.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has been a Pumpkins fan for 25 years. He said yesterday was the best interview with Billy. He said it was really great. He said he knocked it out of the park. Howard thanked him for that. He said he really enjoys talking to that guy. He said he understands what drove him. He said he's a sucker for stories from guys like that. He said he liked his honesty about living in L.A. too. He said he understood that too. He said that he was right about how you get treated out there in L.A.
Howard took a call from Michael Rapaport and said that he heard he's not paying his dues for The Bachelor fantasy league. Michael said that's not true. He said that he paid it. Samantha said that's bullshit. She said he's not paying. Howard said he makes a lot of money and he can't be stiffing them. Michael said that the league was ran poorly.
Howard asked JD what's going on here. JD said this fucker came in dead last in the league. He said it's no wonder he's backing out of paying. Sam said she had to walk him through the whole thing and it was embarrassing. Howard said this is The Bachelor talking about Michael Rapaport. Howard had Zach telling him to pay up on behalf of the show.
Howard said he has to pay up. Michael said that league was so poorly run. He said that it was such a poor operation. He asked if Howard was part of it. Howard said he was not in it. He said he gets advance copies of the show. He said he's weird enough that he won't get into it. He said he's so into the show that they mention his name on the show. He said he's an important player.
Howard said Michael has to pay up. Michael said he will make sure that he will. He said that the league was really run poorly.
Michael said that he wants to pivot. He said they had an incredible show this morning and they were shot out of a cannon. He said Howard and Robin must notice how good the show was. He said he wants to know. He said that he is also in agreement with Gary about The Spinners belonging in the rock and roll hall of fame. Howard said there you go. He said that it's not that he's anti Spinners. He said they give you a list and he voted. He said he wanted to vote for friends who were on the show. He said it's a dumb competition when you think about it. He said when you're forced to vote for bands over other ones then you think about how The Spinners didn't really write their own songs. He said that there are bands like Jethro Tull who haven't even been up for it.
Howard played some Jethro Tull and said just get into this and listen. He played some ''To Cry You a Song'' and talked about how great that is. He said they deserve to be in it more than The Spinners. Michael said he's not taking anything away from them. He said he agrees with Gary about The Spinners. He said there are so many great songs from them. He said put on Rubber Band Man. Howard did that and Fred played the guitar riff from Aqualung as that started. Howard said he loves that song too. He said they were bigger than the Beatles where he grew up. He said it was weird for him. He said Cool and the Gang were bigger. He said James Brown was god.
Michael said he's going to listen to The Spinners over Jethro Tull any day. Howard told him to just pay his bill and let him go. Howard got back to the Jethro Tull song and said come on. He said something is wrong with the hall of fame.
Howard said a lot of people wrote in about the Maury Povich tribute they did yesterday. He said he has a soft spot for Maury. He said back in the day a lot of celebrities didn't want to come on the show but Maury would. He said it was a big deal because he was marrying Connie Chung from CBS news. He said they'd bust his balls about her and he would sit and laugh and have a great time. He said he was smart about it. He said he was great fun on the show. He said he retired so he's glad they did that tribute.
Howard read some feedback they got about that tribute. He said a lot of people wrote in about their DNA test nightmares too. He read some of those stories. One guy said he found out about 6 brothers and sisters that he didn't know he had. Howard had a few of those kind of stories he went through quickly.
Howard said some fans don't like hearing about Wendy's bowel movements after eating that junk food. He read some of those comments.
Howard said someone wrote in about why McDonald's drops the McRib sandwich and why they discontinue it based on pork prices.
Howard said that Wendy really does love the McRib. He said a lot of people agree with her on that. He said he was thinking about Wendy and all of the eating. He said it seems like everything in her life revolves around food. He said Wolfie visited Wendy last June and he got there at 1 in the afternoon. He said that he had to wake her up because she was still asleep. Howard had some audio of Wolfie showing up and Wendy said she just woke up. Wendy was watching some Back to the Future. Wolfie asked if she was more excited for that or to see him. Wendy said she just woke up so she's trying to wake up.
Howard said Wolfie tried to get something out of Wendy but she wasn't reacting so he blew a fan in her face. Wolfie said he was trying anything to get something out of her.
Howard played a clip where Wolfie was blowing the fan in her face and talking into the fan to make his voice sound different. He was doing his Darth Vader voice and had Wendy do the same.
Howard said Wolfie told Wendy she could do anything she wanted and she wanted to go out to eat and go to the grocery store. He said everything revolves around food.
Howard said getting Wendy into a car is tough. Wolfie said it takes close to an hour to get her out of the house. He said you're exhausted after getting her out of the house. She's in a wheelchair so they have to wheel her out. Wendy showed how they go down the ramp and out of the house. That was a long process. Howard said it sounds like the Titanic before it broke in half.
Howard said Wolfie was exhausted from that. Wolfie said you could hear the ramp creaking. He said he thought she was going to go down it and crash. He said the whole thing is very scary.
Howard played a clip of Wendy giving a recap of the ride down the ramp. She talked about how dangerous it is and how she almost ran into a pole. She said it can take 20 minuets or 20 seconds to get into the car.
Howard asked Wolfie about how long it took to get into the car. Wolfie said there's a lot of sand there so the wheelchair sinks into that. He said he had to figure out how to get her out of the sand. He said he was pushing and sweating to get her out of it. Howard said any sand at that weight is like quicksand.
Howard said then Wendy chose to eat at a country themed restaurant. Wolfie said it was Cracker Barrel. Howard said she went through the menu twice before picking something. Wolfie said that did take a long time. Howard said Wendy finally figured out what she wanted. Howard played a clip of her ordering a Coke and a sweet tea. She also had maple bacon chicken with corn bread, macaroni and cheese, steak fries and a side of fried apples.
Howard said that was about 4000 calories of food that she ordered. He said the meal came with fries and she ordered extras. He read through all of the calorie counts for that stuff. He said she had 6 cokes and a few sweet teas too. He said just the drinks were over 2000 calories. He said that she also had peach cobbler with ice cream for dessert.
Wolfie said they were there for an hour and a half or 2 hours and the eating was constant. He said he didn't know someone could eat that much.
Howard played a clip of Wendy saying she was going to order another take home meal of the same stuff. She said that way she can have a snack when she does her YouTube channel.
Howard said she's eating Michael Phelps kind of calories and doing a Steven Hawking kind of work out.
Howard played a clip where Wendy picked McDonald's over Burger King when asked which one she would choose. She said she met Ronald McDonald once and she knows him. Wolfie said she thinks that's a real person. She doesn't know that's just someone dressed up. Howard said she's into a lot of red heads. He said she's into Chucky too. He said he finds Ronald McDonald more creepy than Chucky.
Howard said Wolfie asked Wendy about stories she had from buffets. He played a clip of Wendy talking about how she had 10 plates at a buffet once and then puked it up in the parking lot. She said her mom had a really disgusted look on her face. She told Wolfie what she ate there and it was a very long list.
Howard said Wendy had the waitress running around a lot. Wolfie said the waitress told him she had never seen someone order so many drinks in one sitting. Howard had a montage of Wendy drinking and making weird breathing noises.
Howard said Wolfie took her out shopping and told her to get 3 things. He said she got some chips and a 36 count can of soda. She also got a lasagna that she was going to eat by herself and it was made to feed 12 people. She claims she's Italian and Italians are from Australia.
Howard said he and his wife watched the 1000 Pound Sisters last night. He said Tammy is in a facility to lose weight. He said she met a guy there and they're getting married. He said they had the wedding last night. He said he has never seen better TV. He said he forgot that Beth was even there next to him. He said he felt like he was in the TV. He said TV is the greatest. He said it's like you're not even in America when these people speak. He said it's unbelievable. He said this is the greatest TV show ever. He told Robin about what was going on during this show. He said it was a great wedding.
Howard said he got hooked into a show that Ronnie got him into on Netflix. He said it was a show called The Night Agent. He said it's a really good show. He said it's a whole thing. He said it's another FBI kind of show. He said he loves the FBI. He said he loves the FBI and he hates it when the politicians are bad mouthing them. He said that show is good so far. Ronnie said he has another one to check out too. Howard said he only has so much time. He said The rabbit Hole is pretty good too. He said it's kind of like 24 with the craziness. He said it's pretty good.
Howard said he's worried about Wendy. He said that's what he's talking about here. Wolfie asked if he feels better or worse about himself when he watches that 1000 Pound Sisters show. Howard said he wonders if they went to school in this country.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Wendy the Slow Adult who was hoping to go out with Wolfie again so she can get more food. Howard spent a few minutes with fake Wendy talking about food.
Wolfie said that Wendy has a whole room full of food. He said it looks like a 7-Eleven. Howard asked if it's like a supermarket. Wolfie said it is. He said she bought an entire box of 3 Musketeers at the store. He said that he had to help her scan every one. He said it was like 35 bars. Howard asked if there are any vegetables in that room. Wolfie said not at all. He said there were some green things in her room but they were not vegetables.
Howard said he is a bit alarmed but they saw some reality there. He played a song parody about Wendy to wrap up the segment. He said there's the update about Wendy from Wolfie.
Robin said if you set up a snack room in her room that's setting her up. Howard said you have to pick your arguments with her.
The caller said her friend got really sick with ALS and she went to visit and wore 3 N-95 masks. She said she was so afraid to get it. She said she slowly started going out again. She said she went out and saw him and it was like she was thrown into a crazy world. She said she was shoving food under her mask. Howard said he gets it. He said everyone has their level of comfort. He said we just have to go at our own pace. He said don't bust people's balls. He said fuck them.
Robin asked what his vaccine schedule is. Howard said he's not sure. Robin said she's supposed to go every 6 months. She said she's probably due for another one. Howard said he had one maybe in November or December. He said he's not sure. Robin said she has to check too. Howard said no one seems to be dropping dead now. He said he's always been germ phobic. He said now it's because of the pandemic that it got really bad. He said he doesn't want a cold or even a sore throat. He said he's enjoying it.
Robin said the last time she had the flu was in 2019 and it was really bad. She said she's not looking for that again. Howard said he gets it. He said he works around a lot of germy people like Richard Christy.
Richard said he gave some to Sal and didn't tell him until he tried it. Sal said it was disgusting. He said he didn't tell him and he got so angry. Howard said Steve Nowicki said he was drinking it for weeks before he knew what it was. Richard said now he's his coffee drinking buddy. Steve said that he Googled it and found out it was coming from shit.
Chris said he found out and didn't try it. He said he didn't want to get into it. Sal said Richard is into anything shit. Howard said this is how the next pandemic is going to start. Howard said he'd shit out some beans and let Richard drink it.
Howard said there were some other things too. He said JD said they're turning the old Caroline's comedy club into a ping pong place. JD said Susan Sarandon owns this ping pong thing and that's what's going in there. He said it said ''coming soon'' in the window where they used to have the comedians.
Howard said he read about Susan Sarandon's ping pong clubs and he thought it could be kind of fun. He said he thought that had dried up though. He said he didn't know they were still around. JD said he thought it dried up with the pandemic. Howard asked if she's super wealthy from that. JD said he's not sure but it's right in Times Square. Robin said she didn't know it was so widely played.
Howard said they play it in the Olympics. He said it's fucking crazy when you watch it. He said they hit the ball like a hard ball in baseball. He said he's built like a ping pong player. He said he used to play in high school. He said not like that though. He said someone will slam it and you wonder what's wrong with the person.
Richard said he almost broke his wrist playing foosball. He said he got yelled at by a professional player for spinning the foosball guys. He said he broke the rules and he got yelled at.
Howard said he was wondering about what the war was over and he got an explanation. He said he thinks he can explain it. Robin said she got bored hearing about what it was about.
Howard said Gary is the one who explained it to him. He said he can correct him if he gets it wrong. Howard said Selena has to put shit out to have that many followers. He said you can't put out too much. He said she put out some video of herself getting these laminated brows done on her. He said then Kim Kardashian and Hailey Bieber put out pictures of the same thing 20 minutes later. Howard said they Selena's fans took that as an insult. He said they thought they were goofing on Selena. Howard explained that Selena dated Justin Bieber who is married to Hailey. He said the fans are all going off on Hailey and now they're even going after Justin. Howard said Selena was so upset about this that she canceled putting anything out for a month. He said she's saying she's above all of this.
Howard said he was thinking about this and they have to pick a side. Gary said he likes Selena and she seems like an adult in all of this. Robin said she's a Selena fan. Howard said they have to figure out of the other women were goofing on Selena or not. He said that they have to figure out if they're bullies. He said they have to decide. Gary went into a whole thing for picking Selena. Robin had her argument for her too.
Howard answered a knock at the door and fake Dice Clay was going off on all of those women and their eyebrows. Howard let Dice stick around for a short time before closing the fake door on him.
Howard said it's funny to think that kids are arguing about this when there's so much going on in this world. Howard said Gary likes to keep up on this stuff. He said he is into that teen anal porn so they get it.
Howard said that's it for the show today. He said he's exhausted. He said on Friday on Howard 101 Sal will be hosting Sternthology. He said tune into that. He did a live commercial read and ended the show around 10:00am.