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Howard asked what's going on with Robin. He said she's walking around. Gary said she's having some issues getting on the air. Howard said they'll have to straighten that out.
Howard said he's exhausted from television. He said he was watching FBI and they have 3 different versions of the show. He said if you watch it on TV it's on CBS. He said there are three different ones. He said Ronnie watches it. Howard asked about which ones there are. He said there's the regular one and International. Ronnie said there's also the Most Wanted. He said that one is really good with Dylan McDermott. Howard asked the guys to cut Robin's monitor off. He said once the work things out they can turn it back on.
Howard said the other show he watches is SEAL Team. He said that's on Paramount+. He said he's busy with that. He said he loves any kind of military show. He said he has this imagination that he served his country. He said it appeals to him. Ronnie said they're cool shows. Howard said for a guy like him he gets to work out his fantasies. He said if he did it for real he'd probably have a heart attack. He said he has no idea how dudes his age went to Vietnam and fought. He said he can't imagine what that was like.
Howard said Ronnie didn't serve but he was in the reserves. Ronnie said he did go to basic training. He told Howard what that was like. He said it was pretty rough. He said the Air Force training wasn't as tough as Army training is. He said you have to run every day and go on hikes and all of that kind of shit. Howard said he must have been ripped. Ronnie said he was in the best shape of his life at that point. He said that was six weeks.
Howard asked if they train you to fight one on one. Ronnie said they do. He said you shoot too. Howard asked if he shot rifles. Ronnie said it was an M16. He said it was also hand guns but he doesn't know what they were. He said that was many moons ago.
Howard asked if he masturbated at all. Ronnie said he thinks the put shit in your food so you didn't want to do that. He said you were so exhausted you didn't want to. He said that you were also in a room with 90 other guys. He said there were no walls in the barracks. Howard asked why they have to do that. Ronnie said the same thing with the showers. Howard said he'd need a private stall to shower. He said he can't do that in front of other dudes. He said he doesn't need dudes laughing at his dick.
Howard said he doesn't get why they can't put up a divider wall in the barracks. Ronnie said he knows what he means but it doesn't happen. Howard said he doesn't think it helps. Ronnie said it might toughen you up. Howard said he's sure it does.
Ronnie said Robin was probably in basic training. Robin was finally on and she said they do all of that stuff to get you to bond. She said you're out there fighting for the other guys. Howard said you'd smell the other dude's shit while you're there. Ronnie said you do. Howard asked Robin if she had her own bathroom. Robin said she had her own private room and a maid. Howard said she was an officer. He said she wasn't a grunt. Robin said she didn't know where the other people were. She said she had her own bathroom. Howard said they needed nurses and they took Robin right in. He said she would have quit the military if she had to poop in front of people. Robin said she never would have joined.
Ronnie said they had one guy who would jerk off in the shower in front of people. He said he was from some small town. Howard said a lot of hillbillies do that. Howard said he's like Richard. He said he would jerk off and shit in a can. He said he'd be happy in the military. Robin said he lived in a storage locker.
Ronnie said this guy didn't give a shit. Howard asked if he was a tough guy. Ronnie said not at all. Howard asked if anyone got on him about it. Ronnie said they broke his balls just joking around but the guy didn't care. Howard said he'd like to look that guy up and see how he made out in life. He said there's no way you can be successful. He said he probably wasn't qualified for even a government job. He said you don't jerk off like that.
Howard asked where he shot his load. Ronnie said right in the shower. He said he'd do it into his hand and then wash it off. Howard asked if he ever got it on anyone. Ronnie said he doesn't think so. He said the guy didn't care. He said he'd just do his thing. He said he was so into it when he was doing it too. He said he looked like he was doing it with a chick. He said they just joked about it and no one really gave him a hard time.
Howard said he would have reported that. Robin said then they would have jumped all over him for being a rat. Howard said a guy jerking off in a shower with naked dudes is not a straight man. He said he must have been into the man ass he was looking at. Howard said he doesn't know about that.
Ronnie said the worst thing was waking up at 5 in the morning and you didn't know where you were. He said it was like 110 degrees out and disgusting. Howard said he can't imagine that. He said he went to summer camp and he never jerked off the whole summer. He said he's not going to jerk off with other dudes around. Howard said he wants to know how this guy turned out.
Howard asked Memet if he ever saw dudes jerking off at basic training. Memet said he jerked off once while he was out there. He said he heard rumors that they put stuff in their food to keep them from doing that. He said he wasn't horny for 6 weeks while he was out there. Howard said he roommated with two dudes in college and they never thought about doing that.
Howard said Richard said he used to have friends over and they'd jerk off together. Howard said that's so disgusting. He said he had a friend over once and he wanted to jerk off with him. He said he wanted to do that while they were in separate beds. Howard said he knows what happened to that guy but he's very successful. He said he stopped being friends with him after that.
Ronnie said he jerked off with his neighbor. He said he told that story. He said he told that one on the air. He said they were like 15 years old and the guy and his wife would leave their blinds open so they'd watch and jerk off in separate beds.
Howard said he knew a kid who lived near him and he had his aunt and uncle who fucked in their basement. He said he and this kid were watching them in their basement. He said the uncle is reading Playboy while this woman would play with his dick. He said he had never seen anything like this. He said he thinks the guy was grabbing her tittie. He said he thinks that's what was going on. He said he couldn't believe that his friend was betraying his aunt and uncle like that. He said they didn't see them.
Howard said he never wanted to jerk off with anyone. Ronnie said he and this kid he jerked off with would find his brother's Playboys and jerk off. He said they got caught doing that once.
Howard said he remembers a friend who had an older brother who once let him smell his finger after he fingered his girlfriend. He said his finger smelled like shit kind of so he's not sure he got it in the right hole. He said they were sniffing it like it was cheese or something. He said this dude had a collection of Playboys and National Enquirer. He said they had naked girls in it back in those days. He said they found them and looked at them but he didn't jerk off to them. He said he went home and jerked off thinking about them.
Richard said Howard is missing out. Ronnie said they weren't jerking each other off. He said they were in different beds doing it. Richard said they had parties where they would jerk off and look at each other. Howard said that's kind of gay. He asked how you do that. Richard said that's when they were discovering what beating off was. He said his friend showed him how he did it and he thought it was pretty cool. Howard asked if they tried to cum at the same time. Richard said no. He said it happened so fast.
Howard asked if Richard had any magazines to jerk off to. Richard said he never was able to find any of his father's stuff. He said he looked all over the house for it. Howard asked if Richard ever had any dude jerk him off. Richard said he never did. Richard said he and his friend did jerk off in the bath tub together. Howard said they have to touch to do that. Richard said they would have their feet touch. He said that was it.
Howard said Richard doesn't bathe when he's alone but he'll get in the tub with a friend. Richard said he's not sure why they did that. Ronnie said they had to have experimented. He said they must have touched balls and stuff. Richard said it depends on how you define experimented. He said he has done more with Sal than he ever did with his friends. He said that was all leading to a career back then.
Howard asked if his friends ever jizzed on him. Richard said no but his friend had a spot on his carpet that he would jizz on and it was a crusty spot. He said all of their friends would jerk off in the same spot. Howard asked if he came in front of other dudes. Richard said he'd only do that with one other friend in the room. He said they did that while they were in separate sleeping bags.
Robin asked how the moms dealt with that. She said all of the kids were jizzing in the same spot on the carpet. Howard said his mother would have found that and killed him. He said his father was insanely cheap and they would take it personally if you fucked anything up. He said he used to chew on the furniture and that got him in big trouble. He said his mother would have found that stuff. He did his impression of her getting angry with him about something like that.
Howard said his mother once left him a note on his bed about leaving a shirt on the bed. He said his friend Rita found it and read it out to his friends. He said if he had jizz on his carpet his mother would have scrubbed it out of the carpet. He said she would have pulled him into the room to yell at him. He said she used to scrub the shit stains out of his underpants. He said his mother would be washing it out and would leave it in the sink where his sister's friends would see it. He said they couldn't even wash their hands in the sink.
Howard said he didn't know how to wipe right so he'd have ''grit'' in his underwear. He said he would try to clean it out but then his underwear was soaking wet. He said his mother was like the FBI figuring out what he was doing. He said he wasn't able to put them in there wet because his mother would find it and get angry with him. He had his parents arguing about that and telling him to stop doing stuff like that.
Howard said when he jerked off the made sure that stuff went right down the toilet so his mother wouldn't find it. He said his sister had a friend who was so hot and she saw the grit in the sink. He said his mother would put the stopper in the sink and soak his underpants. He said she'd soap up the underpants and then leave it there. He said she'd let it soak for a good hour or two. He said you'd see flakes of doody in the sink. He said he was there like Waldo in the Van Halen ''Hot for Teacher'' video shaking with fear.
Howard said one time he was getting ready for school and he was out of underwear so his mom gave him some of her panties to wear. He said she told him to just wear them but he said no way. He said he asked her if she was out of her fucking mind. He said she must have given him some old dirty underpants to wear. Richard said imagine you're out playing and you have old underpants on. Howard said he was probably 9 or 10 at the time. He said he remembers putting the panties on and he felt really weird. He said they were huge and they didn't fit him very well. He said there was no opening for a fly. He said he wondered if he shit her panties what would happen. He said he was fucked.
Howard said he shit his pants the first day in Kindergarten. He said he remembers being in this room and shitting his underwear. He said he got the bit pieces out and then put the underwear back on. He said he had to wait to go home at 3 and he stunk the whole day.
Howard said this is like the origin story for him. He said it was a nightmare growing up.
Ronnie said he was an only child and his parents would go to work at 7 or 8 in the morning and not come home until 7 or 8 at night. He said his friends would have girls over to fuck there because no one was home.
Howard said his mom was on Valium for a while. He said she got a job at the hospital and he had the house to himself most of he day. He said he had people over to smoke weed and he fucked some girls while his mom was out of the house. He said he had some shit going on. He said his sister was in college so he was alone at home. He said he'd make Whiskey sours and drink that stuff. He said this was in high school. Robin said she thought he had no friends. Howard said these were kids who never paid attention to him until the heard he had weed. He said he had like $5 of weed. He said he met some girls and one came over and had sex with him. He said it was pretty cool.
Howard said his mother quit her job and stayed home so that ended. He said they used to have to take their quaaludes up in his bedroom. He said his mother thought they were just napping out back but they were all high as a kite. He said he had to be sedated too. He said he was not having a good time. He said what a weird scene that was.
Howard said he'd never jerk off in front of other dudes. He said he had one friend who wanted him to do that and there was no way he was going to do that. He said this kid pulled his pants down to do it and he though that maybe he should be involved with it but he didn't want to do it. He said his friend wanted him to rub it between his hands like a hot dog. He said he was desperate for friends but not that bad. He said he's not going to jerk his friends off.
Howard said he could have been like that Blow Job Connie. Richard said he would have been Hand Job Howard. Howard said he didn't have any of that going on.
Howard did his impression of Ray talking about how she doesn't want to be bothered. Howard said she can't hear a fucking thing either. He said he has to yell all of this.
Howard said he showed his mom the channel thing and she tried it but then some menu popped up. He said she freaked out about that. He said he lost her on that. He said this is why it takes a half hour to get to this. He said he got rid of the menu after a short time but even he couldn't figure it out.
Howard said he had his mom hitting the channels and she's on a roll. He said he told her how to go back down after going up. He said he told his mom she can do this. He said then the aide comes barreling in and she says that his mom is afraid of the TV. He said the said she looks at the speaker and she thinks that's the TV. He said it's just a speaker. He said she denies she ever said that. He said this is his weekend. He said he used to love Saturdays. He said during the week he works. He said then on Saturday he takes time away from it all. He said now he's helping his mom.
Howard said for years he heard that change is too much for people. He said he spent the next half hour trying to figure out what his mom wanted for lunch and dinner. He said she was going to have tomato soup or lunch. He said she anted to have borscht. He said she started to write down what she wanted and you can't even read what she's writing. He said she asked for it without beets but he thought borscht was beet soup. He said she had a choice of chicken parm with spaghetti or fish and chips. He said she didn't know what she wanted. He told her about the chicken Parmesan and she asked him to tell them to cut it up. Howard said the aide will cut it up. He said he's writing out to cut it up for her. He said he's not going to argue with her.
Richard asked what happened with the soup. Howard said he was out of there by then. He said he didn't stick around. He said it's like asking for apple pie but hold the apples. Richard said they did that with a phony phone call to a pizzeria asking them to hold the toppings. Howard and Robin said they remember that.
Howard said he and his mom spent time reminiscing about the good times. He said his mom asked how Beth is doing. He said she told him to let her know she loves her. Howard said she asked if he thinks about his father. Howard said he has been thinking about him since he was born. He said he can't stop thinking about what happened.
Howard said his mom was telling him a lot of weird shit about his father. He said a lot is coming out. He said they were married for 75 years. Howard said from what he saw it was a good marriage. He said they didn't hit each other and they didn't cheat as far as he knows. He said he thinks they were symbiotic. He said he thinks it was a loving relationship. He said that his mother may have been a prude. He said she was a virgin when they got married. Howard said his mother told a story about how his father came up to her and put his hands in her pockets. He said she told Ben to get his hands out of her pockets. She said you don't do that to a woman. Howard said he was just trying to get some pussy. He said she made him feel like a pervert. He said he must have been excited by her.
Robin said she can't imagine what the wedding night was like for them. Howard said he can't imagine either. He said they had a book called ''What to do on your wedding night'' that he read because they kept it around. He said she said that they were very happy doing what they did. Howard said he did ask his mother if she blew his dad. He said she said she did what she had to do. Howard said his dad never seemed happy so he's not sure how much she was doing.
Howard said his dad had a stash of porn. He said he had plenty of that. He said his mom had a huge rack so he's no sure what he did with those. He said he can imagine his dad fucking those. He said she used to say stuff to him about the sex and how all men are sexed up.
Richard asked if his mom knew about his dad's porn stash. Howard said he's pretty sure she did and she wasn't happy about it. He said his dad had his magazines marked with tissue paper for book marks. He said his mom is very spiritual and she wished that she could be celibate. He said his dad would get home at 7 at night and he'd be miserable. He said his dad didn't want to talk to him. He said he barely spoke to his mother. He said all his dad wanted to do was eat and then run upstairs. He said he was probably taking a shit up there and then jerking off. He said he figured that's when he was doing that.
Howard said he used to use that porn and he had to make sure that he put it back the way he found it. He said his dad didn't know he was sharing his porn with him.
Howard said he used to jerk off to stories like his dad was reading. He said he loved jerking off to the Penthouse Forums.
Robin said that Howard should look this subject up about Mormon women who were married to guys and not enjoying sex and they figure out that they're lesbians. She said they hook up with other women and maybe there's a theme like that in porn that he would like. Howard said he would love that. He said that's a good setup. He said good for Robin putting on her thinking cap. Howard said he would love to see stuff like that. Richard said he's sure JD is checking now. Howard said he'd bet that JD has seen 5 of those. JD said he sees a lot of gay male Mormon men. Howard said he's not into that.
Howard said he would run home to jerk off. He said his mom is in bad shape now and he can't jerk off after coming home from visiting her. He said he has to have some distance. He said he had to eat and take a nap and he was fine after that. He said he was ready to jerk off once he took his nap.
Howard said he should have jerked off more in his life and not chased after so many women and all of that. Ronnie said it's not the same thing. Howard said it's not and he loves women. He said it's all about having a connection with a human being. He said he told his mother about how great Beth is for him. He said she knows how great she is. Howard said he's not sure how he got so lucky in his life. He said his mother said she hopes he told her that. Howard said of course he tells Beth that. He said he had no contact with his mother and father. He said he was like a feral animal. He said he's love starved. Robin said he didn't even believe it when she told him that. Howard said he needs his woman around. He said he did spend a lot of time chasing love. He said he had to have someone by his side so it felt like they were interested.
Robin said she was very happy when he found Beth. She said she knew that he was going to be able to slow down and enjoy his life.
Howard said JD thinks that his cards are worth a lot more than he thinks they are. He said he's like Trump with the Mar-A-Lago value. He said he thinks it's worth a lot more than it actually is. JD said he's not trying to sell a lot. He said the vendors at this convention were undervaluing stuff. Howard said he heard about him trying to sell his stuff and no one wanted to buy them. JD said they wanted to buy them but they're worth more than that. He said he went to one convention and that's it. He said he won't go again. He said the convention is for people who do that stuff for a living.
Howard said it seems a little childish to have baseball cards at 42 years old. JD said it's not. Jon Blitt said he went with JD and saw him looking at cards and it was very odd. He said his obsession with cards is unhealthy. He said it's so worthless. He said it's an unhealthy thing to be doing so he should stop doing it.
Howard asked JD what he does with the cards. JD said you just have them. Blitt said he keeps them under his pillow and kisses them. JD said he does not. He said he has some in hard cover things. He said he has some is lesser hard cover things. Howard asked to see what they look like. He said the spoon thing made more sense to him.
JD showed Howard some of the stuff he has in hard cases and how he displays that stuff. Howard took a look and asked if he thinks this is childish. JD said sure that's part of it but it's also an art like thing. He said that's how he sees it. Howard said he has a worship of big strong guys. JD said he can see that too. He said he likes it for some reason and that's okay. Robin asked if he shows them to people when the come over. JD said it's fun to look at them. Howard asked if he wants to own all of the football players or something. JD said there are goals of finding things that are rare. He said he has a card from 1933. He said he just got that the other day.
Howard said he wishes JD would invest this money instead of buying cards. Robin said JD will be easy to get money from some day. Howard asked JD how many cards he thinks he owns. JD said he thinks he has over 10,000. Howard said out of the 10,000 which player is the most handsome. He asked which one he likes to look at and wants to be his friend. JD said he doesn't know. He said he doesn't find them handsome but he admires them. He said there's a lot. He named a few. Howard asked about Derek Jeter. JD said he has some Jeter cards but he's not a Yankees fan.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what his wife thinks about all of this. She said she has baseball cards that her husband collects and it drives her crazy. Howard asked the woman what it is that annoys her. The caller, Kat, said that it's everything about them. She said it takes up space and he won't get rid of any of it. Howard said what she's saying is if he came to her and said he just sold a card for $10,000 she might put up with it. He said there's no real purpose to it. He said it's just filling up chests. Kat said it's all so meaningless.
Howard said he has a card appraiser on the phone who wants to make JD and offer. He took the call from the fake card appraiser who said he is impressed with what JD has and he values the whole collection at about $8. Howard said this guy is a top card appraiser so there you go.
Wolfie said he feels bad for JD. He said you never go to a convention to sell cards. He said they're never going to buy at full value as a dealer. JD said he learned his lesson so thanks. Wolfie said that's a rookie mistake. JD said he knows.
Blitt said that he wanted to go to the convention with JD but he didn't let him go. JD said he didn't want anyone there with a microphone in his face. Howard said he wishes he had a guy like that with him when he was younger. He said maybe people would have thought he was cool.
Blitt said when they were out in L.A. JD decided to go into a control room to watch the finale of Better Call Saul. He said he's not dedicated to his job.
Robin said she sees that JD went to the convention thinking he had a gold mine and he found out he had nothing. JD said that's right.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if JD has any Pokemon cards or anything like that. JD said he has not gotten into that because he doesn't know about them.
Howard played a clip of Chris Wilding talking to a guy who had a collection of Magic the Gathering cards and he was broke from buying so many.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he gets it and he collects shit. He said JD's stuff is really stupid shit though. JD said Ralph collects action figures. He said stop it. Ralph said at least you can display them. He said a little water hits a card and you're fucked. Ralph said the market is down and it's time to invest. He said put money into a solid company. He said do some research and figure out what to buy and invest now while the market is down. Blitt suggested he take all of his money and invest in cards.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he once got caught jerking off by his parents. He said for weeks after he would go downstairs to watch TV and his father would make fun of him and it went on for weeks. Howard said he lost focus on that story in the middle of it. Howard said Robin was the only one paying attention. Howard let the caller go but he still had no idea what his story was. Howard said he just didn't get that story.
Howard said good luck to JD with the cards and he hopes he lets Jon follow him. Robin asked what the Mormon porn update was. JD said he has some stuff for him. JD asked if he wants a link. Howard said no but he said that means yes. JD said he gets it.
Howard said when he was single Gary would ask him about a hot chick or something and he'd say don't send him her number but that meant that he wanted her number. He said Gar didn't get it and never sent him their number. He said Gary didn't pick up on the hint.
Howard asked JD what this porn is about and if the girls in the porn are real sisters. JD said he hasn't watched it yet. He read the description and said that maybe they're not real sisters but they are ''Mormon sisters'' or something. Robin said he could be right about that. Howard said he would like to see that.
Howard said his problem with porn is that it should be like they have to stop but the end up seducing each other. JD said he's scrubbing through it and they are holding hands and making out. He said then the second day they're doing more. Howard said he's never heard of porn going into a second day. JD was running down the porn as he was going through it. Richard said he loves that JD is Howard's porn guy. He said he should talk to Vic Lagina and have them make him a special porn of his own. Howard said he can't do that. Robin said she should be the director for Howard. Howard said that's the perviest thing she has ever said. Howard said Penthouse once asked him to do a photo shoot. He said he went over and he lasted about 2 seconds. He said they wanted him to direct. He said he had to get out of there. He said it was embarrassing. He said he's all talk.
Howard asked if JD has an audio available. JD said Jason might have it. Howard went to Jason who had it and he was playing some of the porn for him. One girl was crying and Howard said that girl is better than Millie Bobby Brown. Howard asked to hear more. Jason played more. Jason said that they might be getting ready to kiss. He said they're fully dressed right now. Howard asked if it was no bra. Jason said he can't see that part. He said it was a close up. The girls started making out and stripping each other down. Howard let the clip play.
Howard said Ronnie directed a porn and he has a clip. He played that and Ronnie was telling the girls what to do. He was yelling at them for not paying attention to him. Jason said he was taking the pictures and Ronnie came over and just took over. Howard said that guy knows how to order people around. Robin said he should have been part of the Taliban ordering women around like that.
Howard said these girls were beautiful but he doesn't have it in him to do that kind of thing. He said he likes how he told the one girl to get up on the wall. He said he's like a dictator... heavy on the dick.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to chime in on JD's baseball collection. She said her father had a big collection in his life and they have an entire second room full of cards. She said its not easy to unload these things. She said that it's hard to get rid of them. She said he has all kinds of cards that she doesn't know what to do with. She said it might not be a wise investment. Howard said offer her a whole $50 and see if she'll take it. The caller, Gina, said that some of the cards might be worth thousands of dollars but its not easy to get rid of them. Howard said alright and enough of that. He said he has to take a break. He said they're not getting to anything important.
Ronnie said they were talking about FBI. Howard said he was talking about the three FBI shows. He said he has to get through 3 hours of them every week. He said he can't get enough of that. Robin said she just watched Cobra Kai and she doesn't know how they do it but she wasn't able to stop watching. Howard said it's really good. He said he didn't think he'd like it but he did. He said he loves it. He said he likes Johnny. He said he's great. Richard said they have a lot of great music in the show too. Howard said he didn't notice that. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said if he had a band he would do a cover of this song. He said people would love it. Robin said the kids would be like Gary's son at he Pearl Jam concert. She said that his son knew their music because Post Malone covered something they did.
Howard said he was on his Peloton bike and he learned that their stock isn't doing well. He said he thinks it's very convenient to use. He said he doesn't have any of their stock or anything but he likes his Peloton. He said it's shocking to him because he doesn't want to go outside. Robin said people who used them during lock down prefer to go to the gym a lot. Robin said people who hadn't gotten Peloton were no longer interested by the time lock down ended. She said they were going to extend their business and now there's no demand. Howard said their stock was at a high of 162 and now it's down to $8.
Howard said he was doing his Peloton thing with that Hannah Corbin and she said she was at the Pearl Jam concert. Robin said she didn't see her there. She said she should have come up to say hello to her. Howard said he wishes he was there so he could have had her come up to him and say hello. He said he could have hung with Pearl Jam to look cool. He said he'll have to talk to Jimmy Kimmel about it tomorrow when he comes in.
Howard said Jimmy is in Brooklyn this week. He said he's not sure why people like that when he moves his show. He said when he does these shows the ratings go up. He said he told him to just do the show there all year. He said it's all confusing to him.
Howard said at America's Got Talent they used to travel to different states to get people on the show. He said they went to Texas and they were there in a hotel and they were playing some music festival. Gary said it was in Austin and it was South by Southwest. Howard said it was miserable. He said he was stuck in this hotel and the music was playing the whole time. He said he wanted to take a nap and he was miserable with the music.
Howard said he finally told them at America's Got Talent that they don't need to travel and have everyone come to New York. Howard said they said that wouldn't be real. He said nothing about the show is real. He said eventually they agreed to stop traveling and they did the show out of New York. Robin said now they travel again. Howard said Simon is a giant asshole who needs to do that. Robin said the guy has been an asshole and an idiot a long time. He didn't know what he had with Harry Styles.
Howard said he told Jimmy to say he's in Brooklyn and just do the show in L.a. He said he has Amy Schumer and David Letterman on the show. He said that's a big thing for Jimmy. He said he has Letterman and he worships Letterman. Howard said he gets to go on vacation with Jimmy. He said he's Jimmy's hero. He said that he says Letterman is his hero but he thinks he is. He said he'll bring this all up tomorrow. He said that Jimmy and Molly asked them out to dinner and he told him there's no way he can eat indoors at a restaurant. He said he told Beth to have them over to their apartment instead. He said they didn't hear back from them. He said in the old days he would have gotten right back to him.
Howard said Letterman doesn't let Jimmy in his house. He said Letterman is doing Jimmy's show though. He said that he should. He said Jimmy inducted him not some hall of fame thing.
Howard said no one asked him to do Jimmy's show. He said Beth told him to call and say he'll do it. Howard said he did the show out in L.A. a few years ago. He said he has Letterman so he can do his thing with him. He said Dave is probably itching to get on TV. He said Underdog is still looking to get on Jimmy's show. He said he'll have to bring that up tomorrow.
Howard said he worries that he's given Jimmy so much access that he realizes that he's not that much fun to hang out with. He said he's a drag to be around. He said he won't knock himself out to entertain.
Howard said Jimmy is now the longest running late night host on TV. He said he told him he was going to retire but they threw money at him and he's doing another 3 years. He said good for him. He said he told Jimmy if he stops doing that show he won't have Tom Cruise at his house. He said he'll be lucky to get Ted Cruz.
Howard said he was happy to hear that she would not cut down her 15 minute performance. He said she found music to play for her performance. He played some of that music. He said that she has a lot of demands for her appearance on the show and she had to get the full time and she didn't want Jimmy speaking during her segment. Howard played more music that she was going to use.
Robin said they have to get these performances. Howard said he's seen some of them and she can watch but he wont.
Chris got on and said Suzanne said that if she dances as Spectrum the Ghost King then she needs kids to dance with her. She said she'd have to train them. Chris said he has been speaking to Suzanne for about a year now and she's incensed about not being on the show. Howard said he's going to beg Jimmy to have her on. He said he has to be there to see her training the kids. Chris said she has special masks she would be making for the children to dance with her. Howard asked how long it would take to train them. Chris said when she calls today he'll have to ask her that.
Robin asked if she has performed this before. Chris said he believes so. He said she also does an Irish Cinderella. Howard said there's no such thing. Chris said that it was an Irish themed parade and that's what she came up with.
Howard said he would have argued that one. Chris said you can't do that with her on the phone. He said that this is the 100th anniversary of Bram Stoker's Dracula so she has to do this thing this year. Howard said he'll talk to Jimmy about it tomorrow.
Howard said that Debbie the Cum Lady wants another shot at High Pitch Erik and they talked to her last week about that. He said the fans wrote in with suggestions on how to get Erik to finish. He said some people suggested that Debbie wear a Donnie Wahlberg mask or something while she's blowing Erik.
Howard said they sat Debbie down with Dr. Jen Mann who was the host of Couple's Therapy and he has some tape. He said that they got into the psychology of the whole thing with Debbie.
Howard played a clip of Debbie talking to Dr. Jen. In the clip Debbie was talking about how she has a sexual fluid craving and that's how she gets rid of her depression. Howard said Dr. Jen asked what happens when she can't get cum. Debbie explained that she gets like a caged animal and she verbally attacks men. She said everything gets on her nerves because she needs that fluid.
Howard said Debbie had a dildo in her hand and that's her therapy dildo. Howard played another clip where Debbie talked about how she has no connection with the guys she does.
Howard played a clip where Debbie talked about how she has no desire to cause her sisters pain but other people she doesn't care about. Howard said Debbie said that she would even blow Dr. Jen's husband and have no guilt about it.
Howard had some audio of Wolfie talking to Dr. Jen about the session. Dr. Jen told Wolfie about what she was thinking about Debbie and how she pushes people away in her life and she's concerned that she may lose family members and she'll be very isolated. She said there's more to life than just cock. Robin said how about when no one wants her blowing them.
Howard said they asked Debbie about the therapy session and she said that it didn't help her at all. Wolfie spent a little time talking to her about all of that.
Howard said he has a game to play with Debbie clips. He said Robin will have to guess what her answers are about blowing certain people. He asked if she would blow a man with herpes sores on his penis. Robin said she will say she will not. Howard played Debbie's answer and she said she would swallow the load but go around the sore on his cock. Howard said Robin was wrong on that one.
Howard asked if Debbie would blow a guy who is a dirty, smelly homeless man. Robin said yes. Howard played her answer and Debbie said she would not do that. Howard said he's not sure how she did Erik if that's the case.
Howard asked if Debbie would blow a man who is in a persistent vegetative state. Robin said yes. Howard played her clip and Debbie said she would do that out of sympathy.
Howard asked Robin if Debbie would blow the Boston Bomber from 2013. Robin said she will say no. Howard played the clip and Debbie said no to that.
Howard asked if Debbie would blow Bill Cosby. Robin said she will say yes. Howard played her answer and Debbie said she would because she doesn't think he did anything wrong.
Howard said now Robin is on a mad tear. He asked if Debbie would blow Vladimir Putin. Robin said she thinks she will say no. Howard played Debbie's answer and she said she would not blow Putin.
Howard asked if Debbie would blow Bernie Madoff who stole $17 billion in a ponzi scheme. Robin said yes. Howard played her answer and Debbie said she would not.
Howard asked if Debbie would blow a guy who had a medical condition where shit comes out his penis. Robin said she will say no to that. Howard played her answer and Debbie said she would blow someone with a medical condition and try to spit the shit out and just swallow the load.
Howard asked if Debbie would blow a leper. Robin said she will say yes to that. Howard played her answer and Debbie said she would not do that.
Howard said Robin did not get that one. He asked if she would blow a giant monster spider with a human penis. Robin said she will say yes to that. Howard played her answer and Debbie said she would do that if she could get to the spider cock.
Howard said there you go. He said Robin went out on a high. He said there's the Debbie the Cum Lady game.
Howard took a call from Debbie who said that her sexual fluid craving is a real condition. She said it's not bullshit. She said there is a condition that people have and it's a real thing. Howard said he would Google that but he's afraid his tech guys would see that he did that.
Howard asked Debbie what's going on. Debbie said she knows she has to become a man for Erik. She said she will blow him and she can play with her fake cock while she does it with him. She said she will even put on a man's voice. She demonstrated what that would sound like. It wasn't manly at all. Howard said that's amazing. He said he has to tell her he thinks she'll be successful.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Mel Gibson asking Debbie to blow him. Debbie said she would blow him.
Howard said they have to work on that male voice again. He asked Debbie to do it again and repeat ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.'' She wasn't able to do that but she was able to talk dirty to Erik so she did that. Howard said she'll be happy to know that Fred just came while she did that. Debbie said she's going to have Erik explode and she will make him cum. She said she'll just dress like a man.
Howard said she sounds like Wolfman Jack when she does her man voice. He asked her to say WNBC with that voice. Debbie said she's got a sore throat from rehearsing. Howard said keep doing that she'll end up on a radio station somewhere.
Robin said maybe she should try to have phone sex with Erik in that voice. Howard said he'll have to line that up. Howard said she will be coming to New York and she will try to blow Erik again. He said that she tried to do it for 3 days and failed but she's going to try again when she comes to New York.
Howard played a Wolfman Jack clip and showed how much Debbie sounds like him. Howard said he has no idea what he was saying but she sounds like that. Howard thanked her for the call. Howard said this could go on for years. He said Erik is going to get another few meals and a hotel room out of this deal. Debbie said she's going to do what everyone told her she can't do and get it done.
Howard said he'd have Erik on but he doesn't see him on the line. Debbie said that he might be jerking off right now. Howard asked if people at her job know what she does. Debbie said she keeps that separate. She said she does have to have her emotional support dildo with her though.
Howard let Debbie go and said that he thinks this is all fabulous. He took another break after that.
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Howard came back and said Bruno wrote this song and its he only one he knows. He said he heard a remix of this and it's good. He said that's a good career move. He said it's a good song. Robin said she read about someone who had a one hit wonder and the put their hit song on their next album.
Robin asked if Howard saw that Rihanna is doing the Super bowl half time show. Howard said he wasn't so excited about that. Robin said she hasn't put an album out in over 6 years.
Howard said he wishes he knew the remix name. He said he heard it while he was on the exercise bike. He said the teacher played the new remix of the song. He said he thought that was a good idea. He said it's like the song The Monster Mash who was made by a guy who made a shitload of different versions of the song. He said that's what Bruno Mars is doing with this song. The guys played the remix for him. Howard said he'd do that with a hit song too. He said this might not be it. He said he doesn't remember this.
Howard said he was all jacked up from this song. He said Robin would have touched herself if she saw him in his short shorts. He said he started singing this song to his wife. Robin said there's a lot going on in this song. Howard said just listen to it. He said it's like a Transformer's movie. He had the guys cut the song off.
Howard said The Monster Mash was like that. He said this guy wrote the song in 1962 and he had a bunch of different mixes of the song. He played some of that song. He said the guy's name was Bobby ''Boris'' Pickett. He said the guy must have been out of his mind when he had a hit. He said then he didn't know what else to do. He said he had a Christmas song but that was just the Monster Mash with Christmas lyrics. Howard played some of that.
Howard said he also had Monster Motion. He said it was like the song Locomotion but it was still Monster Mash. Howard played some of that.
Howard said then they had The Transylvania Twist. He played a quick clip of that. He said it was sad story. Robin asked if they all died on the vine. Howard said they did. He said he should just do what Bruno Mars did. He said then he came out with Werewolf Watusi. He said now he's like what the fuck do I do? He said they didn't know back then. He said then they had The Monster Swim. He said he thinks after that everyone gave up. He said then rap came about in the 1980s and Monster Rap came about. He played some of that song.
Howard said it didn't happen. He said it didn't end there though. He said the guy tried. He said he would have just stuck to the one song and put out different versions.
Howard said in 2004 they tried one more time to do n election song. He said Bobby ''Boris'' Pickett did one more song and it was about deforestation. He said it was called Monster Slash. He played some of that.
Howard said that one didn't fly. He said bobby died in 2007 at the age of 69. He said he was battling Leukemia. Robin said he tried a lot of variations and then he came back. Robin wondered what he was doing when he didn't have a song. Howard said he has no idea.
Howard said there's a bunch of topics he missed. He said he missed 9/11. Howard made up what that song might have sounded like.
Howard said he missed that one. He said thank god he missed that one. Howard made up another song about the FBI raid on Mar-A-Lago. He said there are a lot of songs he could have come out with. Robin said how about January 6th. Howard made one up about that. Howard said that franchise could have gone on forever. He said it never ends.
Robin wondered if Bobby went to parties and bragged about his song. Howard said he's sure he did.
Howard said some fans wrote in about Jon Hein ordering at In-N-Out in L.A. He said that fans were saying that Jon pushes his luck when he's ordering and he's inviting the employees to spit in his food. Howard played a clip from Jon's audio book where he tells you about how to place your order when you go out to get fast food.
Howard said some people wrote in about how they agree with Jon on that. Robin said he's right because some people get there and stare at the board while they're placing their order.
Howard played another clip of Jon talking about proper etiquette at a fast food restaurant. He was suggesting how many condiments to take and to return unused things. Robin said that's not very hygienic.
Howard said what you want to do is get to the size of an elephant so you can block out any other customers at the counter. Robin said you know when Jon is up there he's not smiling. Howard said he's a whole different Jon.
Howard said some fans wrote in about Fisty Gary. He read through some of that feedback. Howard said fans had a lot of things to say about that. Robin said it was disgusting and horrible. She said that she is just now thinking about it after forgetting about it.
Howard said that fans liked the game they played where Robin tried to guess the staffer who farted. Howard said he has another quick game to play. He said on ESPN they had a guy making a fart like sound. He played the clip and asked Robin if she thinks he farted. Robin said she thinks that was a fart. Howard said he's with her. Howard said on Twitter the guy denied he farted.
Howard said he doesn't know this guy but he's not buying his excuse. Howard played the clip of him calling into the Michael Kay show and denying that he farted. He claimed he did it with his mouth and didn't know he was live.
Howard said he doesn't want to call the guy a liar but how do you not know you're live.
Howard said on Larry King Live he farted and the microphone wasn't near his mouth. Howard played a clip from Good Day L.A. when Larry farted. Howard said he heard it and the microphone wasn't near his ass.
Howard said this is a clip from 2002 when Larry farted again. He played that one where it sounded like a fart.
Howard said this kid seems like a good kid but they treat him like shit. He said he watches him and he likes the kid. He said he seems like a nice kid. Robin said she saw some pictures of one of the Schwarzenegger kids having a birthday. She said they said that Arnold and Maria got together with the kids. She said she's not sure this Joseph Baena kid was there. He said he watched everyone else there.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Arnold who was saying he's thinking of letting Joseph use his Schwarzenegger name if he does well on the show. He said he has more maid genes than his own. He said that's why he looks the way he does. Howard said he's rooting for him on the show.
Howard said tonight's show should be good. He said maybe he can show up at the show for his son. Arnold said he may be dancing with a mop on this show. He said he loves his son and he's a chip off the old mop. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said there's a lot of people on the show he just doesn't care about. He said that he read something that blew his mind. He said the guy who used to host Dancing with the Stars, Tom Bergeron, was fired from the show because when they were going to have Sean Spicer on the show Tom said he didn't feel it was right to have him on. He said they fired Tom and had Sean Spicer on. Robin said now the show is streaming. Howard said Tom was a good host. He said he read that they brought this new guy on the show because Tyra Banks was messing up too much. He said that the fans don't like her from what he's read. He said she blames the producers for everything too. Robin said we had a president who did that the whole time he was in office. She said that has become precedent now.
Howard said that's it. He said last week they kept running out of time. He said the should just let it run if it's streaming. He said they're treating it like a regular show. He said they can curse and leave your titties out. He said let a nip slip. He said Beth fell asleep watching it and he was up alone. He said that's embarrassing.
Howard said he they can get together again tomorrow and talk about more. He said Jimmy will be there. He said he has a few things to talk to him about. He said they'll talk to him about Underdog. Robin said they have to talk about him apologizing for the Emmy thing. Howard said the woman said it didn't bother her. He said people are just out to get him. He said you can't do anything on TV anymore. Howard said they have to ask about that. He said he got a note about how Underdog won't sit in the audience at Jimmy's show. Howard said he may have invited her there. He said he wouldn't sit there in the audience either.
Robin said she has to mention there's an end of an era in tennis and Roger Federer played his last match. She said that Serena Williams has retired as well. Robin said she got emotional over all of that. Howard asked what is happening in her house. Robin said she did get emotional. She explained what happened and how everyone was crying at the end of the match.
Howard asked if Robin was crying. Robin said she did tear up. She said it was a beautiful thing. Howard played the Monster Mash tune again and made up a song about the tennis match. Howard said he might be the new Bobby Boris Pickett.
Robin kept going on about the tennis stuff. Fred played her news theme over her while she did that. Howard said he's going to leave it at that. Howard said she's a big tennis fan. He said they'll get to more when they return tomorrow. They were done around 10:35am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was mid conversation with (Fake) Pete Davidson. He said this is the first time he's been on any show since his split with Kim Kardashian. He said he's playing video games. Howard talked to Pete about the women he's dated and ran down a long list. Howard asked how he's feeling since he broke up with Kim. Pete told Howard he's getting used to being alone and his chicken nuggets are getting cold.
Howard said it must be a big change when you stop dating someone as famous as Kim. He asked if he's going to date again. Pete said his dong is done and hibernating. Howard said he's thinking about the women his dong has seen. He said Pete is a cocksman extrodinaire. He asked what kind of girl he wants this time. Fake Pete said he wants a girl with boobies... on the chest. He said maybe an Asian girl or a Latina girl. He said he has dated white girls mostly but Kim is like Chewbacca or something. Howard said he's not even sure what she is. Pete said he didn't know but she was beautiful. He said he'd do an Arab but his mom might not be down. He said 9/11 did kill his dad.
Howard said Pete should get on a dating app. Pete said he has been setting up his Raya profile. He read the bio to Howard. It was very simple. He said he likes weed and his PS5 and he has a beer can sized cock.
Pete's friend yelled for him to come see the shit he just took. Pete said that was his buddy he thought had passed out in the bathroom. He said he was in there like an hour.
Howard asked Pete about what he's up to. Pete said he's got a TV show and he's going to do a movie playing that guy Joey Ram-One. Howard said it's actually Joey Ramone. He said it's not Ram-One. Pete said he has been doing an impression of the guy. He said he can do it for Howard. He did the impression but it was just his own voice.
Pete started yelling for his mom asking where his Xbox controller was. Then he said he just found it under his balls. Howard let Pete go after that.
Howard said Jimmy and Joe were talking about him on Monday Night Football. He said that has to be a highly rated show. He said they brought up the topic of going out during this COVID stuff. He said he knows he's going to get it if he goes back not regular life. Robin said she thought he was going to evolve and stop wishing bad things on himself. Howard said the truth of the matter is that he's very happy in his life. He said he wants to think of something he can't do. He said he can do everything he wants to in his little world. He said he's really happy. Robin asked about what it was like when he did go out. Howard said he loved it but he doesn't miss it. Robin said it is a pleasant experience.
Howard said he knows that most people are fine with COVID. He said there's a quarter of the population that gets it and gets long COVID. He said he's thinking that he could stay home and avoid a possible long COVID thing. He said it's a hard thing to weigh out. Robin asked who said he has to get COVID. She said it's not guaranteed. Howard said there's an 85 percent chance if you stay indoors with people in New York City. He said if you integrate back into society then it might happen. He said his wife wants him to go out to eat. He said it's Russian Roulette. Robin said it's the preponderance of activity. She said you could get it the one time but it's mostly people who wander around like nothing's wrong. Howard said he knows they're saying the pandemic is over and the elevators at Sirius are packed again.
Howard played the Jimmy Kimmel and Joe Buck clip. Joe asked if Jimmy can get Howard out of his house. Jimmy said he is on the show in the morning. He said that's over Zoom. He said he's not sure what will happen with getting together with him.
Howard said that's some plug. He wondered what that would cost to get that on a show like that. He said it can't be cheap.
Howard said he has talked to his doctors about COVID. He said that he talked to his mom's doctor Dr. Shlofmitz about it. He said that his mom asked if he knows how she's doing. Howard said he can't bother the guy with that. He said he did talk to Dr. Shlofmitz about his mother's legs. He said they're swollen. He said he also talked to him about not being able to get back into society. He said he was told it's a manageable thing. He said that he should just get out and get the new vaccine and get out there. He said he just can't do it. He said he's not looking to get back out. He said he got a lot done over the summer. He said he was very happy doing all of that. He said they ordered out and they enjoyed that. He said some food travels better than others.
Howard said he went for walks outside and didn't feel claustrophobic. He said everyone who comes over wears a mask. He said it's good. He said he has a good time when he goes for walks.
Howard said when he was a kid things weren't that great outside. Robin said that was a long time ago. She said she saw this story about building a rocket to crash into an asteroid. She said you can't even see it. Howard said he thought that story was great. He said he saw the movie Armageddon and they did that in that movie. He said it's a great idea. He said we're floating around in space on this planet and if anything goes wrong we're fucked. He said we assume that everything is going to be fine. He said we assume a lot. He said we're on a big disaster course. He said we should be huddled together holding on to one another. He said this is what's going on.
Howard said when scientists think that we could get hit by a big asteroid and now we're trying to figure out how to stop that from happening. He said what a wonderful thing. He said if one of these asteroids is on a course to hit us then maybe we can blow it up. Robin said they just knocked it off course. Howard said that's what the did in Armageddon. He said that's what Bruce Willis was all about.
Robin said they actually did knock it off course. She said they also had to make sure the hit the right asteroid because there were two there. She said that the spacecraft was able to figure out which one to hit. Howard said the one fear he has is human error. He said you wonder who the hell is working the equipment and they could knock it into the earth instead. He said he doesn't know what's going on.
Howard said we don't know what kind of people we have working at NASA so we have to hope they don't knock it into the planet. He said they launched this thing like 10 months ago. Howard said the space rock was 7 million miles from Earth. He said they could have sent it right into this planet. Robin said they were just testing to see if they could knock it off course.
Howard said this Hans is a brilliant guy. He said he thought there was no way he could beat Magnus though. He said there is a chance he did. He said that Magnus said he will never play this kid again. He said Hans said that they can search him and he'll play him naked if he has to. He said Magnus should do that. He said if this kid is willing to be naked then he should play. Robin said maybe he has some kind of implant in him. Howard said lets say this. He said maybe it's implanted in him but he's willing to go into a locked room and play. Robin said they could still communicate with him. Howard said if it's in a locked room no one can see what's happening. He said you need someone to help. He said if they can't watch then they're fucked. Howard said Hans is saying he'll do anything they want. He said maybe this kid is the best magician ever.
Howard said people are kooky with this chess. He said that he's been reading about what people are saying on the Internet Chess Club. He said he sucks now but he went on to play a blitz game. He said it's a 2 minute and 12 second long game. He said its kind of stupid. He said you just fly by the seat of your pants. Howard said he found a guy to play and he made a brilliant move. He said most people would resign if they feel they lost. He said these chess players are so fucking odd. He said this kid sat there and let the clock go hoping he'd resign. Howard said he won't make a move. He said he sat there for 4 minutes waiting for this guy to make a move. He said it wasn't even a rated game. He said no one knows who you are. He said this guy felt it was so important to win that he sat there. He said think about how sick you have to be to do that. He said there's no rating or money and he sat there.
Howard said he thought that was insane. He said for 2 minutes he sat there thinking he was going to win the game. He said he doesn't know what the other guy was thinking. He said he had a million things to do. He said he had to get out of it. He said he resigned from the game. He said now that guy is the winner. He said now he won so good for you. Robin said this is why the world is like it is. Howard said the guy is a cunt. Robin said he's a cunt with every letter capitalized. Howard said he was thinking about how stupid that guy was. He wondered if he was playing a 12 year old or some old guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a chess club member. He said Hans was caught cheating when he was younger so that's why people are suspect. He said that Magnus never got beat by anyone with a rating like Hans has. He said that Niemann said he wasn't able to figure out his moves the next day. He said what he said is that Carlsen had played that position before so that's how he knew how to play. He said they looked into it and he had never played that position. Howard said it was kind of sketchy. He said he saw that.
Howard said most experts felt that his analysis was not that deep. He said he wasn't thinking that deeply. The caller said not deep enough to beat Magnus. Robin asked f this was one game or a tournament. Howard said it was a big tournament. He said they were playing for money.
Howard said Magnus was saying that the level of concentration this guy had was not at the level that it should have been to beat him. He said he thinks that Magnus would know. Howard asked the caller if they should lock these two in a room and let them go at it. The caller said they should. He said they should strip them down and check them out and see who the stronger player is. He said Carlsen hadn't been beat in 5 years. Howard said he could get a draw but not to lose a game. He said Magnus is a phenom. Robin said she heard the next game he made one move and walked off. The caller said he made one move and he had them shut the camera down. He said the chess world went bananas.
Howard said he bought a set of anal beads so he can use them when he plays next time. The caller asked if he would ever go to the Marshall Chess Club again. Howard said he used to go down there. He said he was so into chess for a while. He said he really loved playing. He said he'd play online but they had a lot of cheaters there. He said if you're there in person there's less chance of cheating. He said he went to the chess club to play on the board. He said this club was given to these guys and the building is gorgeous. He said the building is beautiful. He said you know what it cost to have a building there. He said the building needs to be repaired but the place is beautiful. He said you go in there and it's guys and women playing chess. He said they have old fashioned everything there. The caller said that he has been going down on the weekends to play.
Howard said he doesn't go down there anymore because the see it's him. He said he forgets that he's famous. He said his daughter Emily wanted o go down there with him. He said Beth said that he had to branch out and live his life. He said he went down and played and the second time he went he joined a tournament. He said he started at the bottom. He said all of a sudden this dude walks up to him and starts telling him about how he wanted to play him and teach him. He said he was just there to chill. He said this guy won't leave him alone. He said then other guys come over. He said then they're watching him and this little punk is beating him.
Howard said he's an okay player but not on any great level. Howard let the caller, Ken, go after that. He said for the two people left listening, hi. He said that he can't imagine anyone is listening to this. Howard said there's not a vagina left that wants him now.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that everyone on the chess boards are assholes. He said he plays. Howard said he was playing a guy the other day and they both signed on and the guy saw his rating and resigned. He said if that guy knew he was playing Howard Stern he would have been sucking his dick asking him to play. Howard said he has an anonymous name on the site. He said some people figured out who he was though. The caller said he tries to play 20 games a day. Howard said he has to find a job. The caller said he gets up early and plays. Howard said he doesn't need to hear his life story. He let him go.
Howard said that's his story on that. He said he doesn't know if this guy is cheating or not. He said he is willing to play and have a cavity search. Robin said you can see Magnus' point of view. She said if he cheated why give the guy a chance.
Howard said the Beatles passed on this song. He said this is so good. He said there's a lot of great stuff on this album. They played ''That Would Be Something'' next. Howard said Band on the Run was a great album too. He said you're talking about how great Paul McCartney is. He said he's our greatest living musician. Howard said they have Paul Simon on Jimmy's show this week. He said he's lucky he has him on. He said he met Paul in the bathroom at Nobu once. He said he runs into a stall and tries to pee without anyone seeing him. He said he's embarrassed with that small penis he has. He said he's not sure why God would do that to him. He said he would sit there wondering ''why me'' when he goes to the bathroom. He said he pretends he's shitting and he walks out. He said then he sees that it's Paul Simon. He said he has met his brother Eddie Simon before. He said he thought it was Eddie at first. He said he figured if it was Eddie that he better say hello. He said Paul said hi to him and introduced himself. Howard said he was washing his hands or pretending to. He said he doesn't touch his penis when he goes to the bathroom. He said he balances it on his underwear. He said he pretends to wash his hands anyway.
Howard said he told Paul how much he loves his music. He said he told him what a big fan he is and named some of his favorite songs. He said he was very friendly to him and it was weird because it was in a bathroom. He said he thought maybe some day he'd come on the show.
Howard said he wants him to come on and not play the new bullshit. He said he wants him to bring his guitar and play the classics. He said he wants him to play the first album stuff. He said he doesn't want to hear the newer experimental stuff. Robin said he's not going to want to hear that. Howard said don't tell him then.
Howard asked the caller if that answers his question. The caller had more about certain songs. Howard said the guy has a catalog that's insane. He said it's incomprehensible that he could come up with so many great songs. He said then you have guys who write one song and it's the only hit they have. Robin mentioned the Monster Mash song they played yesterday. Howard said so many people wrote in about the Monster Mash conversation they had yesterday. He said he had like 50 Monster Mash songs and none of them caught on. Howard said people enjoyed his renditions. He read through some of that feedback about the conversation.
Howard said they have had a bunch of Monster Mash stuff on the show. He played a song parody that Richard Christy made up about Robin's Gash to the tune of Monster Mash. He said Wendy the Slow Adult had a song about how she had a rash from her diaper to the tune of that song. Howard played those songs.
Howard said the fans wrote in about other people who ran their songs into the ground. He said they had Kung Fu Fighting and the guy was never able to recreate the magic again. He said that guy did a song called Dance the Kung Fu. Howard said it just didn't have the same magic. Howard said there was also that song by Tag Team who did a song about The Addams Family. They did it to the tune of their hit song ''Whoomp! (There It Is).'' Howard played the songs and said they just didn't have the same magic there.
Howard said they did a song parody to the tune of that Bruno Mars song they played yesterday. He played the hoot song with JD's hoots in there. Howard wondered if they'll ever have Pearl Jam doing stuff like that.
Howard said Debbie the Cum Lady called in yesterday talking in a man voice. He said the fans were left confused by that. He played some audio of Debbie doing that voice. Howard said some people said that it was like she was doing an impression of Eric Cartman from South Park. Howard played some clips comparing it to that and to Wendy the Slow Adult's Freddy Kruger voice.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was thinking about the bathroom thing that he told. He said Kevin Nealon did a bit where he kept going up the elevator with a singer. Howard said Paul Simon is another one of those guys who has a lot of great songs. He said he's not sure where that comes from. He said when he met him it was really weird. He said Paul is really short and he's extremely tall. He said it gets awkward. He said when he meets people who are shorter than him he thinks they must hate him because he's so tall. He said he's glad that he wasn't at a urinal and turned and peed in his face. Robin said you do get tired of looking up when you're around Howard. Howard said short people don't generally like him. Robin said stop it. She said it's just a thing.
Howard said this is Fred with the parrot. Fred said the bird is great by the way. Howard said this is the song. He played the song and the bird started to mimic the stuff. Then the bird was telling itself that was a good job.
Howard said that's Fred and Birdfunkle. He said hopefully he gets a couple of hits. Howard said now he knows what Fred is up to at home. He said that's not a waste of time at all. Fred played the Beetlejuice ''Goofu you, goofu you...'' clip.
Howard played some Paul Simon songs and said he should have a good time with Jimmy. Howard played some ''old Friends'' and cut it off. Robin said that's a good song. She said it's nothing crazy. She said he's just singing like in a conversation.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she has some critiques for Jimmy. She said he could have had him on the show and people like her and Wendy on. Howard hung up on her and said he doesn't want to do that. He went into a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and asked the guys why they'd play this Bowie song. He said he had a lot of great songs.
Howard asked Gary who did the cover of Bowie's stuff they just put up. Gary said there was a Dawes cover and a Sean Colvin song. Howard said there was also that Struts song. He said they covered ''Suffragette City.'' Howard said they have a bunch of those songs up on the app. He said Dawes did ''Oh You Pretty Things.'' He said they're songs that aren't easy to cover. Howard asked Gary for some information about Dawes. Gary said he knows nothing. Howard asked where Steve Brandano is. Steve got on and said that he doesn't have a great microphone setup right now. Howard asked why not. Steve said he's not usually on the air. Howard said its enough that he should have a good setup. Steve said this is the first time during the pandemic. Steve told Howard the lead singer of Dawes is married to Mandy Moore. Howard said that guy is very talented. They didn't know his name until someone looked it up. It was Taylor Goldsmith.
Howard said he would like to be married to Mandy Moore. He said it sounds like a good life to him. Howard played some of the song they covered there in the studio at some point when they weren't here.
Howard said there's a lot of hot chicks married to rock and roll guys but you can't find a credit for them. He said this dude is very good though. Howard played more of the song and let he play for a little while.
Howard said that's pretty good. Robin said she's digging it. Howard said you're damn right you are. He told her to get over there. Howard said that guy is good.
Howard said he assumed Mandy married a shlub but that guy is talented. Howard said the lead singer from the Struts is intriguing too. Steve said they're a big deal with younger people. He said they're a UK rock band. Howard said he liked their cover too. He said the singer is really fun to watch. Steve said his name is Luke Spiller. Howard played their cover of ''Suffragette City.'' Howard said that's a talented guy.
Howard said he's reading Jann Wenner's book and he's reading about Bruce Springsteen's manager. He said he also learned that his name is Jan and Jann added the extra N in there. He said that he changed it so its pronounced ''Yahn.'' He said the guy pulled it off. He said he's not sure how you get people to call you ''Yahn.''
Howard said it's a weird move but he did it. He said Jann talked about how he hired a guy named John Landau who is Bruce's guy. He said he describes that this guy had a tremendous sense of music and had a lot of rock information. He said he was very uncompromising. He said he wanted a lot from Jann. He said he hired the guy and John wrote a review of Cream's first album. He said he eviscerated the band. He said according to Jann's book the review was so devastating that it broke up the band. He said that Clapton couldn't bear the review. He said that's horrible. He said that was one of the greatest bands in the world. He said they broke up too soon. Howard said he got mad at John Landau but he didn't know why. He said he just wrote an article. He said Eric Clapton let one guy fuck up his whole scene. He said he gets all fucked up from the internet with people criticizing his show so he thought that was interesting.
Howard said he wishes he could interview John Landau instead of Bruce Springsteen. He said he has to have Jann on the show. He said he just wants to hear how he changed his name from Jan to Jann. He said he wanted to switch this name from Howard to something like Jann. He said he might have to be Jann Stern. He said he thinks Jann is going to come on and talk about a few things. He said Jann will clear it all up. He said that's an interesting story.
Robin said she has her feelings about Eric Clapton now. She said that he's on the new Ozzy album. Howard said he heard a new song from Ozzy and it was pretty good. He said the guy is in his 70s now and he still sounds good. He said the song was good. He said Ozzy is indestructible. He said he and Keith Richards are amazing.
Howard said Sean Colvin did a cover of a Bowie song for them. He played some of that and said this is all up on the app. He said you should check it all out.
Howard said they made a new phony phone call to this radio show where this person known as ''Mother'' is on and it sounds like a man. Howard played a call they made to the show in the past and they had clips of Howard talking to the hosts about dying and transitioning.
Howard said they made another call to the show and created a Mother fan club. He said this is kind of complicated. He said the mother fan club has people who sound like Mother. He said they used a bunch of clips from the show and other shows to sound like Mother. Howard said they wanted to find out if Mother could communicate with them. He said they said they were calling from a brain injury ward at a local hospital. Howard said they can't get enough of this Mother person. He said he's thinking of giving her a show there.
Howard played the call and the Chris Wilding called in saying he was at a hospital and they have a Mother Fan Club there. He put the other people on with Mother and they had Leon Spinks clips rambling about who knows what. Then they had someone named Frank who was Frankenstein's monster. Then Chris put Leon back on. He said then he had another person he put on. He had Frank on again and Mr. Smeagol too. They eventually hung up on Chris while all of the characters were talking over one another.
Howard said he's thinking of putting them on their channel. He said give them a show. Robin said they could replace Riley with something like that. She said they haven't' had a show like that on since Riley left. Howard said maybe on a Sunday night or something they could put them on. He said people loved to call into Riley's show and bust his balls. Fred played a few clips of Riley giving fake names that people would send in like Hugh Jassole and Willy Fistergash.
Howard said there's the Mother Fan Club phony phone call. He said he's going to take a break and get to Jimmy. He said there's plenty to talk to him about today.
Howard asked Blitt what's going on. Jon said that he asked Bobo to record a good bye message just in case he died. He said he refused to do that. He said he was sending him pictures of his tubes and stuff in the hospital. He said Bobo told him he's not ambidextrous. Bobo said that's right. He said it wrong so Howard corrected both of them.
Howard got irritated and cut everyone off and just let Bobo go. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said Jimmy Kimmel is a long time friend of the show. He said he's a great guy. He said he's one of the few people to come to his home during COVID. He said he was there as recently as this summer. Jimmy was in front of his own desk so he felt like he was doing his own show. Jimmy said Howard looks like he's glowing. He said Robin looks good too. Howard said he's at his happiest so that's why he's glowing.
Howard said Jimmy has figured out a way to function during COVID. He said he can't figure it out but Jimmy came out to stay at the house for a few days. Jimmy said it was 4 days. Howard said he and his wife Molly and the kids came. Robin said he let the kids in the house? Howard said everyone was tested. He said they were tested before they left and then tested again when they got there. He said they got tested twice. Jimmy said they didn't know what to do if they tested positive. Howard said they had to be careful. He said he would have sent them home. Howard said he figured they could have quarantined in the guest part of the house. Jimmy said part of him was kind of hoping that would happen because it would have been funny. Howard said they had a good time. He said they were tested 3 times but he was still nervous.
Howard said he's been locked up so long that he's afraid that he's the one who will get it and die. He said the numbers are down now but still too many people are dying. Jimmy said he won't talk him out of his cocoon. He said he doesn't want to be the one who gets the blame if he gets sick. He said he does want to say that he's going to have to come out eventually. Howard asked why. He said he's thinking about it. He said they used to go out to dinner and he enjoyed that. He said that Molly invited him to go out. He said Beth was upset that they weren't going to see them while they're in town. Howard said Beth asked to have them over to their apartment. Howard said that was a wonderful idea. He said he wanted to do that. He said he didn't want his first outing to be at a restaurant in Manhattan. He said he didn't want that. Jimmy said it's not an outing when you stay in. Howard said it would mean they'd have to go into the city. He said Beth didn't want to test everyone. He said he didn't know if it was worth risking it to have them over but Beth did.
Howard said he told Beth to write to Molly. He said Molly never answered. He said that she must have felt funny about it. Howard said he figured Jimmy would blow his stack. Jimmy said he knows a little bit about this. He said he would be delighted to do that. He said that Molly might be thinking that they have other people who were going to go out with them and it might be invasive in some way. He said he did tell Molly he's not going to be the one to convince Howard to do anything. He said he will present it but he's never going to tell him to go out. Howard asked if dinner with these people is really that great that he should go out to a restaurant in Manhattan. Howard said no one is that great. He said he likes his life and doesn't want brain fog and long term COVID.
Robin said Jimmy has seen Howard more than she has. She said she hasn't seen him during COVID. Jimmy said Robin may never see Howard again. He said he asked Howard when he imagines he'll go to Nobu again. He said Howard said five years. He wasn't kidding at all.
Howard said he's not saying this to be funny. He said he's so happy being at home. He said he read about Howard Hughes who went nuts at the end of his life. He said he's happy at his house. He said that he doesn't miss it that much going out. He said he's not sure it's worth risking it.
Howard said Jimmy and Molly came over and they had a great time. He said they really do love them. He said it's nice for them to talk about other people in show business and put them down. He said Jimmy knows how to be negative. He said the more negative they are the more he likes them. Howard said Beth worries that they don't have a good time together but they really did. He said they did everything nice.
Robin asked what they do if they're not going out. She said every meal is at home. Howard said that's right. Robin asked how much time he has to spend with Jimmy. Howard said Jimmy wanted to see Jimmy Fallon but he told him if he goes he's not coming back. He said Fallon may have COVID and his kids may have it. He said he told him to go but he can't come back. He said their last day with them was the day they can go see Fallon.
Howard said Nancy Fallon wrote to Beth and she found out that Molly and Jimmy think there are too many rules when they're at their house. Howard said he's fine with that if that's how he thinks. He said that if you spend time with your heroes then you learn too much. Jimmy said he thinks Molly would like to go to the store while she's in town. He said he likes sitting around and not shopping but Molly might want to go out. He said that she might want to take the kids out somewhere but he has no interest in doing that. He said she might be the one who thinks the rules are too much. Howard said to risk infection in town for 20 minutes is crazy in his mind. He said people really don't want to be at his house. Jimmy said that's not true.
Howard said he thought about that and figured that was ridiculous that there are too many rules. Jimmy said when you get there you can't leave the house. Howard said during COVID, yes. He said that they have to have meal time. Jimmy said he's fine with the structure. He said he's always ready to eat. He said that even when they were visiting during regular time they didn't really go anywhere. Howard said they're free to go. Jimmy said not being able to go somewhere makes you want to go out. He said even if you don't want to go there.
Howard said he has had them over and they sit around. He said he never sees them running around. He said he was fine with them leaving but now they're there for 4 days and the time goes by fast. Robin said confinement is tough when it's that long. Jimmy said the kids didn't care. He said they're little. Howard said the kids had a great time.
Jimmy said he thinks the girls wanted to go off on their own and then they figured they can't. He said he understands. He said they invited themselves to Howard's house. He said they wanted to celebrate Beth's birthday. He said that's why they came out. He said it was like a prison visit in a way. He said the visited Beth in solitary confinement.
Howard said he was doing Molly and Jimmy a favor by having them over. Jimmy asked how it was having the kids over. Howard said they do love Jimmy and Molly a lot. He said he considers Jimmy a real friend. He said he thinks that he'd still be friends with him if he did an OJ kind of thing. Jimmy said maybe not that. Howard said maybe a Woody Allen kind of thing then. Jimmy said maybe that.
Howard said Beth said that Jimmy and Molly wanted to come out for her birthday. He said he thought that was great. He said they were going to do the testing with them and everyone who came over. He said then she said that they wanted to bring the kids. He said he was shocked. He said he figured he was going to send the kids off with someone else. He said he thought it would be more fun without the kids. Howard said he agreed to it. He said he does love the kids too. He said he loves Jane and Billy. Jimmy said that Molly decided to have the kids the whole summer. Howard said that's wonderful. He said that they got to bond with the kids and it was fun. Jimmy said they get a kick out of listening to him hearing Howard on the radio. He said it's very strange.
Howard said Jimmy is a great guy and they were eating outside. He said little Billy is very rambunctious. He said he walks in and starts screaming. He said he was playing some game or something and he could see the look in Jimmy's eye. He said he was like ''Oh fuck.'' He said he knew he was evaluating his behavior and Jimmy's too. He said Jimmy was putting on the good dad act in front of him. Jimmy said Billy is a little perv. He said he walks around with his penis out when they have people over. He said he has a camera and he likes to take pictures of his wife.
Howard said he was upstairs meditating so he could take a break from the family. He said Billy was out laying naked on the chaise lounge. He said he wishes he could do that. He said that he could never because his penis is smaller than Billy's is.
Howard said its probably the last time Jimmy will come to his house. He said he sees that Jimmy is out going to pizza places. Jimmy said he went to Monday Night Football last night. Howard said he heard that. He played the clip that he had played earlier in the show where Joe asked about Howard.
Howard said on the line is Molly Kimmel. He asked if that's the real one. Gary said that's real. Howard took the call and Molly said she was listening and she wanted to call in. Howard said he wants her to know that his wife adores her and Jimmy. He said he has the feeling that since he can't seem to come out of hiding that this is the last time they will visit them. He said she thinks there are too many rules but he just doesn't want to get COVID. Molly said that Howard is not loose as a goose but it was a wonderful trip and they will absolutely come back. She said that Beth invited the kids. She said that they did invite themselves but Beth invited the kids. She said they had to be there for Beth's birthday. She said she invited the kids. She said she went way out of her way to get toys for the kids.
Molly said that Nancy Fallon joked and asked if she had ''escaped'' and that got through to them. She said that's what it was about. Howard said they figured they were just seeing what people are saying behind their backs. Molly said they were stressed out that they might be stressing them out. Howard said seeing people was fantastic. He said they get along with them so great. He said then he read they have too many rules. He said then he thought that they had too many rules and they can't have people over. Molly said the just got a case of what it was like when Martha Stewart was locked in her own house. She said they had a great time with them and that's what she wanted to say.
Robin said as long as people are being honest here she's going to say that she got hurt hearing that they were visiting Howard and she never gets invited over. Howard asked where his invitation to her house is. Jimmy said they forced themselves into Howard's house. Robin said now she knows and she's talking to Howard and he takes no responsibility for it. She said that Howard says it's Beth who wanted them there. Howard said he doesn't want Robin going out anywhere. He said her health is compromised. He said he wont be responsible for her death. Molly said they would have loved to have seen Robin. Molly said they should go out with them.
Molly said she was going to go. Howard asked if they made love while they were there. Molly said they did. Howard said they were feeling so great that they had to do that. Molly said they had to do it before they ate dinner at 6. She said she loves the meal schedule there. She said she loves all of that. Howard said right to bed at 8 after dinner.
Jimmy said there was a great moment there. He said this was their first visit. He said the four of them were sitting around on the couch and Howard wanted to go to bed. He said there's a candle burning on the table. Howard said Beth likes that. Jimmy said Howard got up to go to bed and starts blowing out the candles. He said Beth asked what he was doing. He said Howard says that they've had enough candle. Molly said Howard was just saying that they didn't have a lot of rules at the house.
Howard said they were all looking wasted and he wanted to blow out the candles because Ozzy's house almost burned down from a candle. Howard said he tried to explain that they had enough. He said Beth said she was going to blow them out but he knew she wouldn't. Howard said they ended up staying up all night. Molly said they re-lit the candles.
Jimmy said this is more than COVID for Howard. He said that he'd love to know what his therapist thinks about this. Howard said he thinks he's nuts. He said that he brings up every time about the Italy trip. He said he talks to him about it every time. Howard said Jimmy is out eating Nathan's and he wonders what is going on out there. Jimmy said they were on the boardwalk. Molly said she wanted to see what was going to happen and she knew that Howard would get so uncomfortable that he won't want to have them over. Howard said she's right. He said Beth wants to have them over and not have everyone tested. Howard said she wanted to have everyone over and get Nobu. He said that's fine but he's going to get brain fog if he gets COVID. He said thank god Molly didn't write Beth back. Molly said she would never hear the end of it if Howard got a cough for something.
Jimmy said that this is like Howard and Beth are stuck on an island and Beth sees a plane flying over and wants to send up a flare but Howard tells her to hold on to the flare just in case there's something better coming along.
Howard said Jimmy has his hero David Letterman coming on the show tonight. He said if Jimmy could get into Dave's house that would be a miracle. He said that Jimmy is probably beating off today over that. Howard asked what he's going to be doing with Dave. Jimmy said they just asked him to come on and he's being very gracious. He said he just isn't as worried about COVID. Howard said he knows he's alone feeling the way he does. He said Dave claims he just as nervous but he sees he's out doing things. He said he's not like him. He said he has to take baby steps. Jimmy said he should go to lunch outdoors at a restaurant. Howard said he'll do it. Robin asked why he hasn't thought of that before. Howard said he has but it got cold out. He said maybe next summer it'll happen.
Howard said he knows what they're thinking. Jimmy said they're worried that they're going to lose him to society. He said it's harder and harder to get out of it. He said it's unhealthy. Robin said the people who live the longest have relationships. Howard said no one lived longer than his parents and the proved a point that they didn't need friends. He said they've had very long lives.
Howard said Molly has a big night tonight. Jimmy said he has to ask people to please stop Tweeting about his wife's feet. He said her feet are not smelly lately. Howard said her feet did not smell. He said that he had smelly feet for a while and he knows that it was from not wearing socks. Molly said that she cut out those shoes and she's been wearing Peds and socks. Molly said she has to get going to the show. She said goodbye after that.
Howard said Jimmy is working in Brooklyn this week. Howard asked what his fantasy is with Letterman. He said everyone will be tuning in for that. Jimmy said that Dave takes it very seriously and he will have stories to tell. He said that he hasn't been pestering his segment producer about it lately. Howard asked if they have a producer who questions Dave. Jimmy said yes. He said Josh Weintraub does the pre-interview. He said that Dave believes in that kind of thing. Jimmy said you do want to have a framework for an interview so if it starts to veer you can get back to where you want to be.
Howard asked if he has been presented with the pre-interview material yet. Jimmy said later this morning he will. Howard said this seems to be a looser Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy said it is. Howard said he's not getting worked up about it and he's just going to do it like that.
Jimmy said Tracy Morgan ended up getting stuck in traffic and it was pretty funny. He said he was in a Ferarri on his way to the football game last night. He said there's so much going on at these games. He said people have built camp sites and stuff at these parking lots. He said they're watching the game 300 yards from where the game is being played. He said he doesn't understand it at all.
Howard said whenever he went to the Knick games he would see Tracy there. He said he'd end up sitting next to him and it was great. He said he did play by play and it was very funny. He said Tracy is a real Super Fan of sports. He said Jimmy is the guy who told him to have Tracy on the show. He said he had never had him on and Jimmy told him he'd be so good. He said he kills whenever he is on. Jimmy said Tracy is non stop funny.
Howard asked if he heard Jon Hamm on the show last week. Jimmy said he heard some of it. He said he heard he talked about coming over to his house. Howard said if Jon wasn't famous at the time how did he knows him. Jimmy said that he was just a guy who came over to hang out watching football. He said Sarah knew him. He said Jon is part of his cousin Sal's fantasy football league too. He said that league's winner gets to kick one person out at the end of the season. He said one time Jon was going to be late to their draft meeting and Sal waited for him to show up for their draft picks and Sal kicked him out of the league when he showed up late.
Howard said he heard about Tom Cruise coming over to his house when Jon was there. Jimmy said he used to have a lot of people over for football. He said he told Tom to come over if he ever wanted to when they're watching football. He said that if you saw this group it's just his cousin Sal's friends for the most part. He said that one guy will drink all the mini bar stuff and leave the cans all over the place. He said Tom Cruise came over with his mom. He said that must have been hard for him because he must figure Tom isn't going to be comfortable around these guys. Jimmy said he just thought it would be funny.
Jimmy said that his dad got a hold of Tom and started talking about real estate. He said Tom doesn't care about it all. He said Tom comes in and Adam Carolla was there and he was lit that night. He said Adam was doing a touchdown dance and he squats down and pretends to shit the football out of his ass. He said then he thumbs through the newspaper in a mime kind of way. He said Tom's mom is there watching the whole thing. Howard was cracking up at that. Jimmy said Tom was there through the whole game and they had a good time. He said he never came back and that was the last he ever heard from him.
Howard asked if Jimmy is going to try to make the move to be closer to Letterman tonight. Jimmy said he's not going to put him in a position to do that.
Howard said he sees he has Paul Simon coming on. He asked how that came about. Jimmy said he's been asking for 15 years and he finally agreed to do it. He said he figured he'd never get him on the show since he's retiring from touring. He said he's going to do an interview and then play. He said he's going to do an old song for them. Howard said that's excellent. Howard said he's jealous of that. Jimmy told him to come to the show before their big dinner. Howard said Beth said that he should be doing the show this week. He said he loves Jimmy and he'd do it but he didn't ask him to. Jimmy said he wouldn't ask him to do the show with so many people out there. He said he'll wait for Howard to do it when it's totally safe. Howard said he's going to call Dr. Agus and see if he can convince him to get out. Robin said she's not sure how that's going to help. She said that Howard always stays indoors.
Howard asked if Jimmy has been following the Underdog Lady thing. Jimmy said he has. Howard said he feels bad for her. Jimmy said it seems like she doesn't really want to be on. He said she has so many demands and it's nothing like any guest they've ever had on. Howard said they have to stop with her and not encourage it. He said she did call Chris and she made a final plea to Jimmy to have her on. Howard played the clip where Underdog, Suzanne Muldowney, talked to Chris Wilding about what she wanted to do on Jimmy's show. Suzanne made her plea and asked Jimmy to have her on to do her Dracula thing.
Howard asked if he has 3 minutes there to have her on. Jimmy said that maybe he could read her commentary if she wrote it. Howard said Jimmy is the longest running host in late night right now. He said James Corden is walking away from his show. He said maybe some of their favorite Letterman shows are the quirky guest shows. He said they had some wacky people on his show. He said Jon Hamm said that his two favorite guests were Howard Stern and Harvey Pekar. He said that he didn't even know who Howard Stern was. Howard said he knows that Jimmy would love to have Underdog on his show but the sad reality is that there is no place for that in late night. Jimmy said it might be seen as unkind. He said he does love that shit though. He said he used to do a Future Talent Showcase and Underdog was on that. He said they had many stars of yore back then. He said that went away and that kind of thing is only funny to a small percentage of the audience. He said they all listen to Howard's show.
Jimmy said he was listening to the fisting thing on the show and one of the best things about the show is that he has a show that has material like that and Wendy will call in and he'll ask her questions that she says yes to. He said then he'll have Paul McCartney on and then maybe Michelle Obama. He said there's no place that happens and it may never happen again. He said we have to remember and cherish these moments even if that means Howard says locked up in his castle.
Howard said he's right about all of that. He said they followed the fisting up with Imagine Dragons. He said it is very important to him to keep the Fisty Gary like segments on and keep the Mormon porn stuff on. Jimmy said the beating off thing really threw him off. He said he can't imagine doing it 27 times a month. He said he might be able to pull lit off in a January but not in February with only 28 days. Howard said Jimmy is much younger than him. Jimmy said he's 54 and will be 55 in November.
Howard said if he has to jerk off to avoid prostate cancer he's going to try. He said he really set out to masturbate 27 times. He said he had jerked off a couple of times and then Beth wanted to have sex and it was too much for his body to cum that much. He said he's given up. Jimmy said it seems too high to him. Robin said that was just some guy who wanted more sex from his wife so he wrote up this study. Howard said he tried the Mormon porn but that didn't work for him. He said he wasn't able to finish.
Howard asked if Jimmy has banned anyone from his show. Jimmy said there are people who they avoid. He said it's people who don't seem to like being there or just aren't good at it. He said many of them still slip by. He said sometimes he'll see a guest that he has to work hard with and it's like keeping a balloon in the air. He said the easy guests are like a light balloon and the others are like Eric the Actor's hand and it's hard to keep that in the air. He said if the guest is getting laughs it's great but sometimes he has to intervene.
Howard asked what the hard part is with the Letterman thing. Jimmy said that he worries that Dave will think he's an asshole. He said he has to make sure the monologue is good. He said he doesn't want Dave thinking he's an asshole. Howard said he thought he was going to quit. Jimmy said he thought about it. Howard said he thought he would continue and he did sign up for another 3 years. He said the money is good. Jimmy said it is. He said being wanted is important too. He said ABC wants him to stay. He said that's nice to know. He said it was just the walking away part. He said it would have been emotional and that would have been tough to do. He said now he can put that off for another 3 years. He said he was fired from his radio jobs and that wasn't easy. He said he was moving around the country and he had all of these jobs. He said he finally got a job in L.A. where they liked him and he was reluctant to leave. He said he wasn't able to stay and he had to leave. He said he never made more than 60,000 a year until he was at K-Rock. He said the idea of quitting a job was tough. He said he can't imagine explaining that to his 25 year old self. Howard said it gives him comfort knowing that he's staying.
Howard said he saw that Simon Cowell was on his show. Jimmy said he wondered if Howard would be mad for having him on. Howard said he is a good guest. He said he has that fake laugh though. He said he can't stand that fuck but it's fine. He said he wanted to run on the stage and yell at him for being a bullshit artist. Jimmy asked if he ever apologized for what he did. Howard said he never did. He said he's like Trump that way. He said he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He said he wanted the guy to tank but he didn't.
Howard said he defended Jimmy for the Emmy thing. He said that he told him not to go to the Emmys anymore. He said he told him that privately and on the air.
Jimmy said he was supposed to present with Norman Lear on the Emmys. He said he had a lot of birthday parties and stuff and a week before the show he said he didn't think he was going to be able to do it. He said he would do it if he wanted him to. Howard said the guy is 100 years old. Jimmy said he had socialized too much that month. Robin said he's out more than Howard is. Howard said he's 100 so he can do that. Howard said he still has things he wants to do.
Jimmy said he asked Will Arnett to do the thing with him. He said he talked to Will about it and said he knew they'd lose to John Oliver again so he came up with this bit. He said he visualized that he would drag him out and they'd read the winner and he'd be out of the shot. He said the stage was like a catwalk instead of the regular stage. He was kind of in the way and he dint imagine that it would be that way. He said that some people read into it that it was a racial thing but he had this in mind for whoever won. He said there was no weirder experience than having your eyes closed and hearing the Emmys going on. He said Quinta Brunson is a friend and he was going to tell her what he was going to do but he didn't want to jinx it or whatever. He said they did this thing and he was very happy for her. He said they had no idea that anyone was upset. He said later at the party they learned that he stole the moment. He said it did take away from it. He said she had to answer questions about that instead of about her win. He said they had her coming on the show in a few days so they were going to talk about it then. He said there was no ill intent there. He said that's not what it was about at all.
Howard said if he had won he would have tea bagged him or done the Adam Carolla football dance or something. Howard said this is his point about the Emmys. He said he's trying to do something funny and it's ridiculous that they make a big deal out of it. He said the NY Post said it was a white privilege thing. Howard said this is why shows like the Emmys suck. He said you can't try anything. He said you want to do something funny but you can't. He said they call you out for the most ridiculous things.
Howard said the other thing is John Oliver winning again and the guy is talking and they cut him off. He said the whole fucking thing is a mess. Jimmy said you can't change anything or people get mad. He said everyone is mad all the god damn time. He said people are mad and that's why people don't try anything. He said it's a shame.
Howard asked Jimmy if ABC gets nervous when something like that happens. He said all he did was lay on the stage. He asked if he got a call about it. Jimmy said no. He said when he saw the pilot for Abbott Elementary ahead of time he told the head of ABC that this is a great show. He said that this is the kind of show they should be making. He said they were going to pick it up already but he reached out to Quinta about it and told her how great it was. He said it was funny how it was this particular show that won. He said it feels very real and it's a good show. Howard said Quinta was very grateful to Jimmy for putting her on his show.
Howard asked Jimmy about the Will Smith thing and how he thought it was a bit that was planned at first. Jimmy said he thought that for 2 seconds. Howard said you kind of want to blame the host for not hauling the guy out of the building. Howard said if Jimmy was the host they would have called him out for being a coward. Jimmy said he would have went right out there and said something. He said someone needed to go out there at the time. He said he would have done something. Howard said now he's disappointed that he didn't host. He said he thinks that Jimmy would have been clear headed enough to go out there and confront Will Smith. Howard asked what he thinks he would have done. Jimmy said if that had happened the first time he wouldn't have had a clear view of what to do. He said now he knows he has to be prepared for something like that. He said hosting the Oscars is like being in the NBA finals and you lose the first time but figure it out after. He said he thinks he would have started talking to Will Smith if he was hosting. He said he would have asked what he was doing. He said he's not sure what joke he would have made.
Howard said you have to be fearless when you're out there. He said he thinks that he would have known it was wrong right then. He said that some people thought Will was defending his wife but he did assault Chris Rock.
Jimmy said it's a very sensitive thing for comedians. He said that it's not okay to walk up and hit someone. He said it's fine to heckle but you can't hit someone. He said Chris was trying to make people laugh. He said he didn't know. He said you have to have that in your mind. He said the idea that your first reaction is to hit someone he has a hard time wrapping his head around that. Howard said there was some history there with Chris and Jada.
Howard asked if he talked to Chris about that after. Jimmy said he did but he doesn't want to share what he had to say about it. He said he will say that Chris was surprised by it. Howard said he called and left a message for him the day after. He said Chris never called back but he did feel bad for him.
Howard said he's getting the high sign that he has to leave. He said that's fine but he must have something going on. He asked what his schedule is. Jimmy said he's going to go through about 35 pages of jokes that his writers came up with over the last couple of hours. Howard asked how many jokes he'll keep out of them. Jimmy said probably 15 jokes. Howard asked if that's a good amount of jokes. Jimmy said you have to just pick a certain number. He said you can't get them all out there. Howard asked if they fight for their jokes to get in. Jimmy said they do fight for bits but not so much the jokes.
Howard asked about what else they do. Jimmy ran down what they do and ho they do rehearsal and how he will write his monologue the rest of the day. He said they come up with a rough draft and then he gets it down to about 6 pages.
Howard said Jimmy is a good man. He said he's done it again. Jimmy said this is his favorite thing to do. He said don't ever retire. Howard said he's doing shows from Brooklyn all week. He had a list of the guests they have coming up. He mentioned Mila Kunis who he said is very attractive. Howard asked if they ask the guests to wear something revealing. Jimmy said they let them pick what they want. Howard said Jimmy is doing it all. He said there will be no Dracula fashion show.
Jimmy said he loves Ronnie dearly. He said he has a comedy club re-opening in Vegas and he wants to have him appear there once a week or something. He said ponder that and we'll see what happens. Robin said they can do a Titty Tuesday or something. Jimmy said he's not sure about that but they can come up with something.
Howard asked Ronnie what he thinks about that. He asked what the name of the club is. Jimmy said it's Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club. Howard asked Ronnie what he thinks. It took him a few to get on. Ronnie said he'd love to do it. He said he's in. He said he'd host a comedy night. Jimmy said he'll get in touch then. They did some cunt jokes and played some clips of Ronnie saying cunt and other things. Howard said he has the job already. He said Jimmy has to get out of here. Howard gave him some more plugs and let Jimmy go.
Howard said that's Jimmy and his beautiful wife Molly. He said that was very exciting. He said he's looking forward to seeing Robin tomorrow. He said they have a lot to talk about. Robin said he has to talk about the Mormon porn thing. Howard said it was a diaster. He said he went into the bathroom and pulled his pants off. He said it was almost too much story for him. He said the girls were going on and on. He said he was tugging on his thing for 10 minutes and thing was happening so he gave up. He said it was a mess. He said he'll tell a longer story tomorrow. He ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard said he likes to go on Instagram and go into search. He said he doesn't type in anything but there's a lot of hot chicks trying on outfits and showing off their bodies. He said then there are various clips of Keith Richards or Slash playing a solo and things like that. He said he likes to see that. He said he's wasting time in his life and he's wondering if he's going to regret watching it all when he's on his death bed. He said there are tons of videos of little animals with spiky backs that he sees. He said it's like a porcupine but something else. He said it's hedgehogs. He said he wasn't familiar with them. He said he was watching them sitting on the couch and he told Beth about them. He said she said she would adopt one. He said they have a rabbit already.
Howard said they rescued this rabbit that was thrown out of a car on a highway. He said someone called and told them about what they saw happen. He said they love the rabbit. He said they named it Jessica. He said she's delightful to be around. He said she's made friends with the cats and all of that. He said she didn't like the litter box they gave her. He said now they have a rabbit. He said he doesn't want a hedgehog.
Howard said they have six cats and Grogu died so they had 7. He said he was with them for 10 months. He said they got the rabbit and Beth said she was going to find a home for it. He said now she can't part with it. He said she loves the rabbit. He said he knows they're keeping it.
Howard said the rabbit has a house. He said they got a Amazon delivery and it had like 50 rabbit toys. Howard said she lives better than JD. He said the house they got for her is nicer than a lot of real houses. He said they have this hutch now. He said they have to order hay for the rabbit. He said they shit in the hay and they eat it. He said it's a whole fucking thing. He said Beth puts so much of her life into these animals.
Howard said they give these animals to people and they get mostly good people but they're dealing with some assholes right now. He said they tell them that they'll take the cat back if they can't handle it. He said people do dumb things after that. He said they just found out about a kitten they had and the cat didn't behave the way they wanted it to. He said all they have to do is get in touch with Beth and they'll take it back. He said these people didn't do that. He said they're out of their minds.
Howard said they're worried about the rabbit so they're not giving it up yet. He said he heard something weird about rabbits. He said they were enjoying it at first but they had a litter box for it. He said it would go in there but then it changed and would shit and piss outside the box. He said they wondered how people have them in their home. He said they were in touch with a woman who said get it spayed and the rabbit will never have an accident again. They thought that was crazy but they took it to a specialist to spay the rabbit. He said the did a beautiful job on it. He said it ain't cheap. He said that's another thing you have to factor into your adoption. He said it ain't cheap. He said the rabbit has been great with the litter box since the spay. He said they must use it to attract other rabbits. Robin said that is part of the wild experience.
Robin said if you don't spay a cat you can't live with them. Howard said they have been through that too.
Howard said if you're an animal lover elect him in the next election. He said he will have a minimum of 5 years in jail if you don't spay or neuter them. He said if you take them to the vet to euthanize them he'll have the same. Howard said people like what he's saying. Howard said there was a guy who killed two puppies and that guy is still out there. He said he's not in jail. He said he would change all of that. He said he'd have a rabbit in the White House. He said don't get a rabbit. He said they're expensive and you have to tolerate that they lived in the wild. He said they're just being rabbits. Robin said she had a friend who had a wild rabbit that would walk with him and things like that. She said they keep it outside though. Howard said it sounds like a Disney film.
Howard said the rabbits eat their own doody and they do that so they can get more nutrients. He said he sees Beth kissing the rabbit after all of that.
Howard said he's an animal too. He said he got some attention from her. He said he was all charged up yesterday. He said he's not sure what it was. He said he actually does know.
Howard said they had Jimmy Kimmel on and they talked about not going out. He said that's where it all came from. He said Beth wants to go out with them. He said if they could do it outdoors he'd go. He said they're looking at some place with some heat lamps. He said it seems like he's going to have to do it. He said he's so happy doing what he's doing. He said he's really nervous about going out. He said he doesn't want to go out. He said Beth thinks if he has a positive attitude then he won't get COVID. He said that's nonsense. He said if he stays inside he has a positive attitude. He said he is probably going to go out to dinner. He said he really doesn't want to but he has to.
Howard said he's going to say that he's had a nice run with Robin. Robin said he has to stop. She said he doesn't even know what a positive attitude is. Howard said Herman Caine had a positive attitude and he got COVID and now he's dead. Robins said that was at the height of the pandemic and he was foolish. She said that Howard doesn't know how to have a positive attitude. She said he has to be positive for real. She said that he knows how he has talked himself into an ailment. Howard said he knows. He said he knows that will happen with this. Howard said he thinks he's willing to die for Beth.
Howard said this guy in the band is so un-rock star like. He said back in his day they wanted to dress like that but this guy is breaking the mould. He said you have to look at these guys and see them. He said he does like the band but he hasn't seen a whole song. He said they're only 15 second clips. Robin said that's what they're doing with their algorithm at Instagram. She said they know Howard would like to see that. Howard said they have some good videos and they have hot chicks playing with the band. He said he watches the stuff and the thing knows what he likes. He said he didn't even know he'd like the band. He said he has never heard a whole song but the 15 seconds he hears is good.
The guys played some of their stuff for Howard. He let the song ''Highway Tune'' play for a bit. He said they really are good.
Howard and Robin read the list of the band members and went through their bios online. Howard said he didn't know the guys were twins. He said they all dress like they're Steven Tyler's microphone stand. He said he kind of thinks he digs them. He said he'd like to know what Robert Plant thinks of them. He said they sound like Led Zeppelin. Robin said you have to have a certain timbre. Howard said the guy is good but he wears Birkenstocks and looks like a genie who went to Woodstock and smoked some weed.
Howard said the fans are excited about Ronnie's possible residency at Jimmy's comedy club. Howard said he tried to warn Jimmy that his speciality is just yelling out ''Cunt!'' He said he was going to mention it to Ronnie and they were unable to get him on air. He said it turns out that Ronnie tweeted like 67 times during the show. Ronnie said he doesn't tweet during the show. Chris Wilding said he got notifications during the show yesterday. Ronnie said he does it before the show. Chris said they came up during the show. Chris said there were 60 in a 24 hour period. He said he was in a frenzy.
Howard said he tweeted 67 times. Chris said it was Titty Tuesday. Howard asked if he ever goes through that stuff. Ronnie said if they put it up he just tweets it. He said there are plenty of hot chicks there. Chris said there are a few banged up chicks in there. Ronnie said here might be but there are a lot of hot chicks there.
Howard said Ronnie doesn't have any quality control. Ronnie said he doesn't care. He said he will retweet whatever women send him. Howard said he could have some power there if he had standards. Ronnie said he doesn't want to be a dick. Chris said he's not being honest. Ronnie said he's a guy who gets a dick in his ass and he's talking about women. Chris said this is guys sending the pictures to him. He said it's creepy guys. Ronnie said he doesn't care.
Howard said he doesn't know how they got into the weeds here. Ronnie said the dick thing is working out well for Chris. Chris said it's really not. Howard said he hates to see two bottoms fighting. Chris said he loves Ronnie but he got 60 notifications yesterday and it was during the show. Ronnie said nothing during the show.
Howard said it was hard to get Ronnie on the air. Ronnie said he had a hard time getting the screen on. Howard said Jimmy offered Ronnie a job in Las Vegas. Ronnie said last year at the same time Jimmy came on the show and he had just moved there. He said the same thing last year. He said they went online and it's not even open. Robin said Jimmy said that it's reopening soon. Ronnie said he offered it to him last year. He said he didn't want to get into it yesterday.
Robin asked if he's saying that he's just blowing smoke up his ass. Ronnie said he doesn't know what he's saying. He said don't offer it if it's not real. He said he heard the same thing last year.
Howard said he is open to the idea. Ronnie said it would be tough to do the gig on a Monday if he had to get up early. He said he could do a Thong Thursday or something there. Howard said how about Cunt Saturday. Ronnie said sure that's fine with him. Robin said how about Cunt Hunt Saturday.
Howard said Jimmy did his show last night and had Letterman on. He said a woman yelled out Baba Booey during the show. He said he has Lori on the phone and she's the one who yelled it out. Lori said it was amazing. She said it was the first Baba Booey and it made it on national television. Howard said he has a clip to play from that segment. He said Letterman had a lot of conversation about him with Jimmy. He said it was quite fun. He said he has thought about how his whole show should be talking about him. He said he talked about other topics with Jimmy but it was only about 85 percent about him. He said it should be 100 percent.
Howard played the clip of Dave talking to Jimmy about the Howard Stern appearance. Dave said he didn't listen. Dave and Jimmy talked about Howard. Dave talked about how long he's known Howard and how he worked with him at NBC. Dave talked about how he got to know Howard and how he apologized for intimidating him at NBC. He said Howard is a completely different guy that he got to know off the air.
Howard said that was very sweet. He said he realized the secret of late night TV. He said you just have to talk about him. Howard said this is where Lori comes in with the Baba Booey thing. Dave talked about how he talks to Howard about once a year and that's plenty. Dave said he got a water color from Howard on his phone. He said Howard paints and it's not show business painting. He said it's real painting. He said its not Tony Bennett painting. He said it's real stuff. Dave said he would like to own a Howard Stern painting. He said Howard says he could show him some tricks and teach him. He said it's museum quality stuff. Dave said he got a text from Howard with an amazing painting and he called Howard back and Howard said he had sent it to him by mistake. He said he thinks staying arms length from Howard is the best. Lori yelled out Baba Booey and Dave said that this is his legacy. He said that's what will happen when Howard is gone.
Howard said he's very honored that Dave spent that much time on someone like him. Robin said that Jimmy was going to talk to Dave about some things and they never thought it was going to be all about Howard.
Howard said he has to say that Jimmy was right when he said that he is jealous of his worship of David Letterman. He said he thinks Jimmy should only worship him. He said you have to choose one. He said you can't worship a golden lamb and him. Howard said he has a horrible problem where he thinks he should be the only one who has a radio show and is in show business. He said he can get jealous. He said he is a big fan of Dave's though. He said he always enjoyed doing his show. He said he didn't enjoy it every time. Robin said he never enjoyed doing it.
Howard said it used to bother him that he was a local disc jockey and other people were well known. He said he was on radio and he had to go market to market. He said he had to go on and build a whole relationship in every market. He had to start from scratch in every market.
Howard said they had a huge show in Washington DC. He said they couldn't walk down the street without people bugging them. He said he'd go to New York and they didn't know him there. He said the thought Imus was crazy and great but the had never heard of him. He said he was already the shit down in Washington. He said it drove him insane. He said even when he was big in New York he wasn't big in L.A. He said it made him nuts.
Howard said back in the day Dave asked him to appear on his show. He said he got the chance to go national by going on Dave's show. Howard said Jon Hamm talked about how he got to know him through Dave's show. Howard said Jann Wenner used to put him on the cover of Rolling Stone. He said he has mucho love for guys like Jann and Dave. He said it means a lot to him. He said he has a special place in his heart for Dave.
Howard said he can get jealous at times. He said he likes to be the only one. Robin said he can't even share Jimmy with Dave who he admires. Howard said no. He said Dave is correct and they do speak to each other but it's more than once a year. He said he hates to burst that bubble. He said he did send him that picture accidentally. He said Dave saw some of his stuff and he really enjoyed them. He said Dave wanted to buy one of his paintings. He said he asked how he could get one. Howard said he would never sell one. He said it takes so long to do these paintings. He said his wife wants to hang stuff on the wall so he holds on to them. He said he asked Dave if he wanted prints but he wants the actual painting. Howard said Robin and his friend Pat have some of his stuff. He said he doesn't sell them though.
Howard said he wants Dave to have a painting. He said Dave was right about the celebrity painting thing. He said some people really are ripping people off. He said they're not good. He said Tony Bennett is actually a good painter though. He said there are certain celebrities whose art isn't that good. He said he has seen Bob Dylan's paintings. He said they sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars. He said the guy is a genius but he's not a painter. He said the sell for a fortune because of who he is. He said they're not good. He said he'd shit on a napkin and people would buy it. Howard said he would own anything that John Lennon did but they're very simple. He said he gets why people pay for it. Howard said Dave paid him a real compliment by saying he's a real painter. He said he appreciates that. He said he can't just start giving his stuff away though.
Robin said that Dave really likes Howard. Howard said he likes him too. Robin said you don't get a lot of heat off of Dave. Howard said Dave is a very warm guy actually. Robin said she never got that at NBC. She said he practically ran from them every time.
Howard said he thinks that he'd tune in every night if they talked about him on Jimmy's show.
Howard played the clip and Robert said that the band Greta Van Fleet is like Led Zeppelin One. He said the singer borrowed his voice from someone he knows. He said he claims he based his whole style on Aerosmith. Howard asked what he even said. He said he just heard two guys talking over each other. Robin said it was hard to tell who was saying what. Howard asked Robin what they said. Robin said that he did say that it was a little band out of Detroit. Howard said that was the announcer. He said that wasn't Robert. Robin said she has to hear the clip again. She said someone thought it was a rip off.
Howard said he thinks he won that game. JD said Howard had it all wrong and it was Robert Plant saying the stuff he thought the announcer was saying. JD corrected him on all of that. Howard said he still won the game. JD said he did. Howard said when JD has to explain it to him then he knows it was cryptic.
Howard said they were trying to play What Will Robert Plant say and they ended up playing What Did Robert Plant Say. He said that was kind of a knock at the band.
Howard said he feels good that he won. Robin asked if he's going to keep listening to Greta Van Fleet. Howard said he sees them in 10-15 second clips and he's fascinated by it. He said he can't turn away. He said he has to watch the clips. He said the way the guy dresses is fascinating to him. He said he's oddly fascinated by them. He said he thinks he digs them. He talked up a song like a top 40 DJ. He talked up a couple of songs. He said this is more than he's heard on Instagram. He said he likes it. Robin said if you like Zeppelin then you'll like this.
Howard asked JD to tell him what he just said. JD said he was looking for something so he didn't hear. He said he said something about not using his art for charity or something like that. Howard said that's it. He did his impression of JD.
Howard said he sees that Wendy the Slow Adult is on the phone. He said he has a game to play first though. He said it's called ''Is it Safe with Wendy the Slow Adult.'' Howard had Fred hit the music. He asked Fred if he knows what he was just saying. Fred said not a clue. He said the painting thing would be a good way to get attention for the charity. Howard thanked Fred for that.
Howard had Robin get ready for the game. He said he could get someone to play against her but he thinks she likes to win so she'll be the only contestant. Howard said Wendy doesn't always make the best decisions. He said she is over weight and she eats from dumpsters and things like that. He said the asked Wendy what she thinks is safe behavior. He said they asked her if things are safe or not.
Howard they asked Wendy if it's safe to eat paint chips. Robin said they know it's not safe but what did Wendy think. Howard said that's right. Robin said she'll say Wendy has probably eaten a few paint chips in her life. Howard said he's locking her in on that answer. He played a clip and Wendy said yes it's safe. She said she eats them all the time.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to pet a stray dog. Robin said Wendy will say she has probably been bitten by a stray and she will say no. Howard played the clip and Wendy said that it is not safe. She said that it can bite your hand off. Robin said she's in her head. They played a song parody with clips of Wendy in it. Howard said they took in a stray dog recently but they'll ask her about that later.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to eat your own feces. Robin said she thinks that she will say it is safe. Howard played the clip and Wendy said that if you're hungry enough, yes.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to leave the oven on while you go to the store. Robin said she will say no. She said she has probably done it and gotten yelled at. Howard played the clip and Wendy said no and you can burn down the god damn house.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to use a fork to pull toast out of a toaster. Robin said she will say no. She said she thinks she has tried it and gotten yelled at. Howard played the clip and Wendy said that it is safe because you can get your toast out without burning yourself.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to eat chips after taking a shit without washing your hands. Robin said she will say that it is safe. Howard played the clip and Wendy said no. She said you can get shit in your mouth.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to eat food found on the street. Robin said she will say yes. Howard said he thought that too. He said he thinks it's a no. Howard played the clip and Wendy said no because it could be poison.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to let a baby play with a monkey. Robin said she thinks she'll say it is safe. Howard played the clip and Wendy said yes because the monkey will keep the baby happy.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to eat all the wild berries you'd find in a forest. Robin said she will say yes. Howard played the clip and Wendy said hell yes.
Howard said they asked Wendy if it's safe to shoot an apple off your mother's head with a bow and arrow. Robin said she had to say no to that. Wendy said yes because you aim at the apple and not your mom's head.
Howard had Wendy on the phone and said he's glad she knew to not put your hand in a dog's mouth. She said that they just got a stray dog. Howard asked why she thinks it's okay to eat your own feces. Wendy said she did say that. Robin said she did say that you have to wash your hands after going to the bathroom though. Howard asked when she ate her own feces for the first time. Wendy said she was in the mood for a snack. She said she was 10 years old. Howard asked if she just ate her own doody. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if her mom told her not to do that. Wendy said yes she did. Howard asked if she was doing it because rabbits do that. Wendy was saying yes to all of his questions.
Howard asked Wendy what tastes better, feces or paint chips. Wendy said paint chips. She said they taste like pickle chips. Howard said he's never eaten them so he wouldn't know.
Howard asked if feces or pizza hut is better. Wendy said Pizza Hut. Howard said that's good endorsement for them. Howard asked how many times she has eaten feces. Wendy said maybe 5 times. Howard asked if she has ever put it on her pizza. Wendy said she has. Howard asked why she would do that. Wendy said it makes it more ''flavory.'' Howard asked if she calls it Pooperoni. Wendy said yes to everything.
Howard asked Wendy not to eat paint chips or doody anymore. Wendy said she won't do that. Robin asked her not to use a fork in the toaster either. Wendy said she won't. Howard said he knows that Robin can be kind of demanding but please don't do it.
Howard said Wendy is at the doctor's office now. He said she told them that she's number 300 in line. Wendy said she's still at 300. Howard said he believes she's the real Wendy but she has a woman on the phone who says she's the real Wendy. Howard took the call from fake Wendy who was saying she's the real one. The two Wendy's argued with each other for a minute about who the real Wendy is.
Howard said this is very confusing. The two continued to argue and real Wendy was calling fake Wendy names. Howard said he thinks they're caught in a slow multiverse. Real Wendy was telling fake Wendy to shut the fuck up and get lost.
Howard said he's going to ask a question of each of them to figure out who the real Wendy is. Howard asked real Wendy what she spends her money on. Wendy said she spends it on fast food and lottery tickets. Fake Wendy said she spends it on fast food and lottery tickets. Real Wendy said that she's a jackass. Fake Wendy said she spends more on Mountain Dew than she does.
Howard asked how much money they spend on Mountain Dew. Real Wendy said like $1,000 a day. Fake Wendy said a hundred bazillion dollars a day.
Howard asked Wendy how much doody is in her diaper now. Real Wendy said that she has a full diaper. She said she's been in it since 6 this morning. Robin asked if it's number 1 or 2 in there. Wendy said it's both. She said she was on YouTube all night doing her live stream. Howard asked fake Wendy what is in her diaper. Fake Wendy said that she has seven shit logs and diarrhea in it. She said it's running down her leg. Howard asked how long she's been wearing her diaper. She said she's been wearing it since she was a baby.
Howard said he can't tell who is who. He said he should be able to tell who the real Wendy is. He asked how many teeth Wendy has. Real Wendy said zero. Fake Wendy said she has negative 5. Howard said they both sound very slow.
Howard said he has the question to figure this out. Howard had them do their best Freddy Kruger impression. Real Wendy did her impression and then fake Wendy did her impression. Howard said he has never been in Creedmore but he thinks this must be what it's like. He said he doesn't think that ether one is the real Wendy because they didn't ask for money. Both of them were asking for money after that. Wend said she'll leave Howard alone until Christmas if he gives her money now.
Howard said he has the final question. He asked real Wendy about being in love with Jason and what his best quality is. Wendy said his best quality is that he loves hanging out with her and he loves Wendy's and he has a crush on her. Fake Wendy said that Jason's best quality is that he is the most handsomest and he has a belly that's hairy. She said she hopes he doesn't lose too much weight on Nutrisystem.
Howard said he thinks Wendy number 1 is the real one. Wendy cheered. Howard asked where he can get Wendy streaming. Wendy said you can type in WendyPack and you'll find her. Wendy asked Howard to help her out but Howard said he can't hear her and hung up saying he can't hear her. He asked Gary to send her something. Gary said he'll talk to someone about that. Howard said he doesn't know what she's up to. Robin said she did say she'd leave him alone until Christmas if he did that.
Mariann said that Apple is getting rid of Oprah. She said that she just wants love for Howard so she's going to watch the Letterman thing again. Howard said he found it to be a positive thing.
Robin said she was going to bring up the Oprah thing to Howard. She said that Apple had Oprah on when they were starting out and they didn't know what she was going to do there. She said the 5 year period is up and they're ending her contractual obligation with her. She said they're gong to a project by project thing. Howard said he's sure there is tape of him somewhere saying it will be a disaster between Apple and Oprah. He said he loves Oprah and gets a kick out of her but he saw this coming.
Howard said Oprah got a channel there at SiriusXM and they want to do that because she has a good following. He said she's not motivated to show up for these projects. He said she's got over a billion dollars. He said she was going to have a book club thing on Apple. Howard said no one is going to go on Apple TV and watch her discuss a book. He said it's just fucking insane. He said it's just too small an audience.
Howard said he's not sure why companies keep shelling out for her. He said Oprah is better than David Blaine at magic tricks. He said he has never seen anything like it. He said she makes your money disappear. He said he calls her Oprah Copperfield to Robin sometimes. He said that he remembers when Sirius gave her $50 million. He said she didn't do anything there. He said that doing business with her is like dating. He said you get together and fuck and then a few months later you give up trying.
Howard said they used to call her OprahDini. He said six months after making a deal she's not picking up the phone. Robin said that she read about the deal and how she's just doing the book club thing over there. Howard said they must be like ''what the fuck'' over there. Robin said she's never seen a promotion for that show. Howard said he's called a kook but he's really the only sane person in show business.
Howard said he has been approached by Netflix asking him what he'd like to do. He said he could have his own TV network. He said he has been approached by people for things like that. He said he is so worn out from doing his radio show that he has no energy for that. He said if they want to slap his name on things that won't even work. He said all the money sounds great but he won't do it. He said it would give him a huge boost but he has to decline. He said he doesn't want people to be angry with him. He said Netflix wanted Howard Stern the High School Years but it wasn't up to the standards so he turned it down. He said they asked what else he wants to do. He said he won't do anything that's not considered top notch.
Howard said he has a clip of Oprah talking about what she was going to do at Apple TV when she was signed. In the clip Oprah was talking big and rambling about what they can do there. Howard made snoring sounds. He said poor apple. He said they had no idea what they were getting into. He said no wonder he had to pay what he did for his new iPhone. Howard said someone's head has to be rolling for making that deal over there.
Howard said Mark Cronin could have come up with a ton of shows for them over there. He played more of the Oprah rambling clip. He did an impression of her and made a big speech about what he was going to do with Apple.
Howard said he loves playing these clips at the end of this 5 year deal. Howard asked the guys to look up how much they paid her. Howard played a clip of Oprah talking about some documentaries she was going to be working on. She was going on and on about the plans she had for this deal.
Beth came in real quick and Howard told her that he told everyone what happened last night. She ran off.
Howard said he went to Netflix last week and said he has a documentary for them. He said it's about where all of Apple's money has gone in the past 5 years.
Howard played more of Oprah's rambling nonsense. Howard said this is bait and switch. He said that's some pitch. He did his impression of Oprah going on and on about this stuff. He said Tim Cook must be going nuts. Robin said she pictures him jabbing a pen into his own hand.
Howard played more of the Oprah clip and she was talking about her book club show. Robin said that is apparently on Apple TV but she has never seen it. Oprah was saying they were going to be able to talk to authors across all platforms.
Howard asked how many bags of money that cost Apple. He said that she closed that speech by saying that we all have to be at our full potential. Howard played that clip and Oprah was going on and on about being the fullest potential they can. Howard said that's some speech. Robin said they obviously want her out of there by saying that they're going to be working with her project by project. Howard said they don't want to upset her. He said she has the same deal he has now. He said anyone can offer up a deal over there.
Howard said he has a game. He asked who Oprah will cut a deal with next. He said she has to make a new deal. He gave Robin a few choices. Howard said Oprah gives more content away for free on Instagram than she does on her own network or shows. He said she brings you around her house and shows off all of this stuff. He said if he's Apple he'd be pissed. He said that they had to have given her at least $100 million. He said the amount is undisclosed though. He said that was made in 2018. He said reports say that they gave over a billion to content that year.
Howard said JD thinks that her next deal will be with Paramount+ based on Gayle King's deal with CBS. Howard said even the OWN network must be pissed about how much she's giving to other places. Howard said she has her own network and she didn't give her interview with Meghan Markle to that network. He said that he'd tell her not to even fart on Instagram without offering it to the place she has to go to.
Howard said it's amazing that he gets offers to do things and they just want to throw his name on them. He said he could do that but he's not going to. He said that he'd want it to be good. He said he isn't just going to throw his name on something and not work on it.
Howard did an impression of Oprah talking to Tim Cook about her deals. He had her talking about giving away stuff for free on Instagram and not to Apple TV. Then she faked her phone cutting out to get off the line with Tim.
Howard said that's crazy. He said he has been approached to do an interview show on television with a great company. He said they were going to give him a one on one. He said he had this with a couple of companies. He said he would like to do a show like that but he works for SiriusXM that pays him well and he has fans who pay for this. He said he can't go out there and do interviews on a different program. He asked how that would be fair to the people there at SiriusXM. He said Jennifer Witz might chop his nuts off. He asked how he would determine where he would do the interviews. He said he can't shit on SiriusXM like that.
Howard said the most exciting thing with show business is making that announcement about a deal. He said that Oprah gets these great deals. He said that she gets to make great announcements. Howard said these are big deals and the excitement around them is amazing. He said people call you and congratulate you. Robin said parties are being thrown. Howard said the next day you have to go come up with something and the work part is horrible. He said the deal is the great thing. He said he has tried to figure out how to make deals and not do the hard work. He said it doesn't work that way. He said you have to be driving that machine at the end of the day. He said Oprah retired from doing her show and that was it. Howard asked who started this conversation. He said it was Mariann for Brooklyn. He said he wanted to take a break. He said he does like Oprah's Instagram account. He said he's entertained by it. He said he's not tuning into her Apple TV shows though.
Howard said he would like to know what a psychiatrist would say about this. He said she was on 60 Minutes for a few episodes. He said he wants her to come on the show and talk about all of this. He said he wants to know what's going on in the Oprah organization. He said she seems to get bored with a lot of these things. He said he doesn't want to see her burn out with all of these companies. He said it didn't work out so lets leave it at that.
Howard said Trump had all of these deals with stuff and none of them worked out. He said then people stop making deals with you. He said he'd hate to see that happen to Oprah. Robin said she did order Oprah's journal for Howard and she got email from her web site every day. She said she didn't want to get that. Howard said she only bought it as a goof too. Robin said she wanted to get out of that. Howard said Oprah is doing just fine so she doesn't need their help. He said he's just a schmuck. He said Apple isn't calling him. He said he's only going to give you something you want to watch. He went to commercial after that.
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Howard came back and asked what happened to her. Robin said she has stepped away from the stage. Howard asked if she really did. Robin said you never see her. She said she did the theme for some show a few years ago. She said she does work when she wants to. Jon Hein said she did the theme for ''The Affair.'' Howard read some details about the song and said that she was just 18 when she was on their show. He said that he didn't know she was that young. He said they were young too.
Howard said Robin said to him during the break that they're never going to get to go to Oprah's house. Howard said he has run into Gayle King a few times and she thinks that Oprah would love him. Howard said he told her she's out of her mind. He said he's always giving her a hard time. He said she must not have actually discussed him with Oprah. He said he doesn't think that she even knows who he is.
Robin said that Howard gets a list of every mention that he gets in the press. Howard said he stopped doing that years ago.
Howard said he's never going to anyone's house anyway. He said not during this pandemic anyway. He said Oprah is very safe with the pandemic. Robin said that she put Stedman in his own house when he traveled during the pandemic. She said she had him quarantined. Howard said he knows a lot of dudes who would like to do that in their relationships.
Howard got to more fan feedback. He read some about the chess cheating scandal they discussed. Howard read some comments about that. Howard said someone said if Hans used anal beads to win then he deserves the win.
Howard said they played a clip of Fred's duet with the bird yesterday and they say that Sal has been posting duet clips of his own online. Howard is it's awful. He said Sal thinks he can sing but he can't. Howard read the feedback they got about that. Howard said he's on TikTok doing his duets. He said that people put up a song and they sing one part and you post it with another person. Howard said this is Sal singing Love Me Tender. He played the clip and Sal was singing along with a woman. Howard said he's awful. He said Sal is an idiot. Sal said he can't argue with that. Howard said he likes to sing too but he doesn't post it. Sal said he didn't really post it to the public. He said he doesn't even have 1000 people following him. Howard said he most have wanted people to see it. Sal said he wanted people to see it who don't know him. Howard asked who doesn't know him out of that 1000 people. Robin said this is more of his great thoughts.
Howard asked who he's doing it for. He played another Elvis song where Sal sang along in a duet. Robin laughed as it was playing. Howard asked if he thinks he sounds like Elvis. Sal said it's his tribute to Elvis. Robin said that's no tribute. Sal said he'll never be as good as Robin. Howard said she's not putting it on TikTok.
Sal said that he did a Valentine's day special and put it up. Howard said Sal spent money to make an album when he was 16. Sal said he did and it was terrible. He said his mother co-signed the loan he had to take out. Howard asked if his mom is talking to his sister after going to Peoples Court. Sal said they are. He said that she's going crazy with his dad now. He said his dad is losing his mind. He said he's hiding in his car and he had bees and ants in the car. He said he brought it to a mechanic who freaked out on him and he ended up arguing with him about that. He said now he wants to open a snail farm. He said he feels there's not enough snails in New York so he wants to open up a farm. He said he thinks he can open a farm in Florida and he can sell them cheaper if he's in Florida. Howard said that's not crazy at all.
Sal said his dad takes out his lotto cards and his mom is yelling at him. He said they went to Florida to visit family and his dad hides his money tucked up in wads that he hides under his balls in his underwear. He said they go through the metal detector and it goes off because he wraps it in broccoli rubber bands. He said his dad says he's broke but he has the money under his balls. He said they think his dad is doing something illegal and the find the money under his crotch. He said they pat his dad down and they find this money so they think he's up to something with the money. He said they missed their flight because of this.
Sal said his dad has been to prison for stuff so the look into his record and find out about this stuff. He said he was counterfeiting out of the pizza place. He said they had a slow adult dish washer and the cuffed that poor guy. Howard said he has to go easier on Sal after hearing this. He said the Love Me Tender thing is a cry for help.
Howard said you think Sal is fucked up but then you hear his background. He said he's still doing his thing. He said no wonder he falls for scams. He said he goes out and makes the song ''Free John Gotti'' and then you realize why he was doing that. Howard played some of that song.
Howard asked if he really thinks that John Gotti should have been freed. Sal said now that he knows more he would say no. He said he doesn't want to bad mouth the guy. Howard said he thinks that someone is going to come after him.
Howard played Sal's song ''Shake'' and Sal asked him not to do this to him. Howard jokingly said this is his follow up song ''Osama Bin Laden Was Framed.'' He said he won't play that one.
Howard played more of Shake. Sal said that this guy ripped him off with the 5 grand recording thing. He said he was in the studio recoding the songs and this guy was booking recording time with recording studios by scamming guys like him telling him that he could be a star. Howard said he never thought he had anyone around who could fall for scams. He said Sal falls for it.
Sal said he fell for a Titanic scam. He said he got a piece of coal that was supposed to be from the Titanic. He said this thing came in a plastic container and the coal was the size of a pebble. He said he looks back and wonders what schmuck would fall for that. Howard said it's the same one who thinks birds are communicating with him. Howard and Robin goofed on Sal about the coal thing and had bubbling sounds playing as the guys were going down to get the coal from the Titanic.
Howard asked when Sal is going to communicate with his father. Sal said that he'll do it whenever he wants. Sal said he knows that they were making fun of the dimes thing but that was his father thanking him and Beth. Howard said he has some more coal to sell him. He did his diver voice and went down to get more coal for Sal. He said forget the antique jewelry from down there just bring up the coal.
Howard laughed at Sal for buying the coal. He said that you have to know something is up with that. Sal said totally. Howard asked if he wants a coffee cup from the Hindenburg. Sal laughed. Howard said good job with the TikTok thing. Robin asked how many he has up there. Sal said he just put up the two songs. He said all of his bird songs are up there too. He said he's just looking to get people who are spiritual. He said this isn't the cum on the hat people.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Bill Shatner. He said Sal's singing is really bad. He said he's here to teach. He sang some Elvis in his very unique way. Bill said that they're both actors so maybe they should act together. He told Howard what he wanted to do from Star Trek. Howard said that's the episode where a white man kissed a black woman on TV. He said he would be honored to do that scene with him. Bill said Howard has to be Uhura. Howard said he can do that. He said he doesn't know the lines very well though. He came up with something and acted out the scene with fake Bill.
Howard let Bill go after doing the make out scene. Howard said that episode was really something back when it aired. Robin said there shouldn't have been a problem with it if it was in the future. She said they made a big deal out of it. She said they drew that kiss out to like 15 minutes. Howard said she's so right. He said don't bad mouth Star Trek though.
Howard said that guy is good. He said he should have been on Saturday Night Live. He wondered if he has ever been on Saturday Night Live. He said he must have been. Howard said that was from the Rap Radar Podcast. He said that's where they got that from.
Howard said it's getting late n the show. He said he will take some calls. He said he had a nifty package called Airline Assholes to play. He said he's not sure they have the time for that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he isn't one to defend Sal but they did bring up tons of coal from the Titanic back in the 80s. Howard said he's not sure why they would do that. He said he can't take this. Robin said maybe it was authentic coal. Robin said Jamie Foxx has done Saturday Night Live a few times.
Howard said that people wrote in about Ass Napkin Ed sounding like the guy who plays Jeffrey Dahmer on the Netflix show. Robin said the show is very creepy. Howard asked what Robin thinks about the families of the people who were killed being upset by the show. Robin said she stays out of things like that. Howard said he saw the movie Boston Strangler and they had a lot of people lost in that movie. He said that they were asking for a heads up for this show. Robin said they did the same thing with Quentin Tarantino with the movie he made with Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. She said the Sharon Tate family was upset about him changing history with that movie. Howard said the worst tragedy he can think of is 9/11 and he's not sure if they should give the families a heads up about that. Robin said you can't base what you're doing on the feelings of those families. She said they're too close.
Robin said she thought of Eric the Actor when Debbie the Cum Lady was doing her man voice. Howard said people wrote in about that too. He said people agree with her.
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who said the Dahmer guy sounds creepy to him and doesn't sound like him. Robin said she's not sure about that. Ed said that Howard can call his cats the Cat Pack. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Ass Napkin Ed playing the part of Jeffrey Dahmer. Fake Dahmer was asking Ed if he wanted to go out to lunch. Ed said he's craving a cheeseburger. Dahmer said he's craving a dead guy's brains. Dahmer asked if he has ever had sex with a dead body. Ed said she died after. He said she was on drugs. Robin asked how he knew she was dead. Ed said he had finished and after that she was all doped up and she died. Howard asked how soon after did she die. Ed said it was the next morning.
Fake Dahmer asked Ed what he thinks about drilling a hole into a guy's head and injecting acid in there. Ed said he doesn't mess with stuff like that.
Ed was telling Howard a sorry about this girl he was with and how he had done something with her ''hind legs.'' Howard said he's never heard of someone talking about a woman's legs like that. He said that's like talking about an animal. Robin said she only has two legs she doesn't have hind legs.
Wolfie got on and said that he knows that Ed gives women a Greek massage where he gives them anal. He said he's not sure if they know that's going to happen. Ed said they must know. Howard asked Ed about this woman he was with who smelled like cabbage. Ed said that he didn't care about the smell. Ed said that she wiped her ass and then licked it off the baby wipe she used.
Howard said he has no idea what's going on here. Robin asked where he meets these women. Ed said he meets them on Facebook dating. Howard said he has some track record if he was with 3 women. Ed said he had more than that. Howard asked how he gets them. Ed said just see how he looks. He said he looks very handsome and he doesn't show pictures of his penis. Wolfie said he's missing most of his teeth. Ed said he is missing all of his upper teeth and he has 8 on the bottom. Howard said he must have more teeth than the guys that women are meeting on there.
Wolfie said that Ed think that his dentist pulled some kind of scam by pulling all his teeth. Howard asked why he didn't go after the guy. Ed said he tried suing the guy but no one would take his case.
Howard let fake Dahmer go and asked Ed if his move is to put his dick in a woman's ass before her vagina every time. Ed said not every time. Robin said he tells the women that their nerve endings for the massage are in their ass so he has to pull down their panties to get there. Ed said that's where the nerve endings are. Howard said the average human being has 32 teeth and Ed is down to 8. He said he's got 1/4 the amount of teeth.
Ed said that Wolfie may visit him. Wolfie said he has been talking about going to see his whole scene. He said he has been building a real estate empire so he has a whole thing going on there. Ed said he is in the real estate business now. Howard said he's Ed Trump. Wolfie said he's buying multiple houses. Ed said he got a settlement in 2020 so he has money. He said he got 3 figures. Howard asked if it was over 350 dollars. Ed said it was over six figures actually. He said he knows what he meant.
Howard asked what the case was about. Wolfie said that Ed slipped on ice and fell and hurt himself. He said the same thing happened to his mom and she sued. Ed said he can't really talk about the details. Howard said he doesn't blame him.
Robin asked Ed if he's going to buy houses and rent them out. Ed said he was going to do that but he doesn't want to mess up his SSI.
Howard asked Ed if he has fallen for any of the women or is it just a hook up. Ed said it's just hook ups. He said he's getting new teeth in December. Howard said that's good. He said that's the season for chewing.
Howard said he heard that Ed gets DoorDash and he complains that the food is cold and gets a refund. Wolfie said he claims that he has had sex with the women that have delivered food to him. Ed said that's true. He said he had the last woman that came and he went out for chicken wings and roast beef. He said that didn't work out too good. He said she was heavy set and she ate all the chicken. He said he did have sex with her though. He said he made her eat his ass out after she ate all the chicken. Howard asked why he would want that when he has ass worms. Ed said he doesn't know. He said she did eat his ass though. He said he fucked her. Robin asked if she was good at eating ass. Ed said she's good at eating anything.
Howard said he maybe he called Door Gash instead of DoorDash. Ed said he doesn't have ass worms anymore. He said at the time he did.
Howard asked what woman would eat ass with a guy she just met. He said he's not sure he'd even do that to Beth. He said he's not sure he'd want to put his tongue up her ass. He said he's pretty famous so he's not sure she'd demand it.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dan Rather. Dan had some advice for Wolfie when he goes to Ed's house. He said he will see things that will live with him the rest of his life. Wolfie said he's seen a lot working there. He said he thinks he'll be alright. Dan gave Wolfie more advice on how to get through the horrors he's going to see in Upstate New York with Ed. He told him to make sure he has his affairs in order and has a good will. Wolfie said he does have a will.
Howard asked Ed if the women are all large he's getting. Ed said most of them are a little heavy. Howard asked how many teeth they have. He asked if they have 32 between them. Ed said one woman wasn't able to find her teeth. He said he didn't have a problem with that. He said it was cool.
Howard asked how many women he's fucking a month. Ed said he's averaging 2 or 3. Robin asked how old they are. Ed said one woman was 55. He said he has two women who are in small towns. He said he has to be careful with that. He said he has two in New York and one in Pennsylvania. Howard said he's like a toothless Pete Davidson. Robin said he's like Pete if he had no teeth and ass worms. Ed said he gets the women mixed up so he has to take notes. Howard said he's Creep Davidson.
Howard said Ed has something going on if he can get these women. He said that he must be playing it right out there. Howard said Ed was dating a porn star who was good looking. He said he did that for awhile. Ed said she moved in with him. He said that was less than 2 years. Howard asked if he was in love with her. Ed said no. Howard asked why he didn't fall in love with her. Ed said he doesn't know. He said he just wanted sex. JD said he doesn't know how that happened. He said she was hot. He said there's Ed in his Buffalo Bills outfit. He said he had a bandana on. He said he must have some sort of game. Howard asked if she was a 10. JD said she was at least a 7 or 8. He said good for him.
Howard asked Ed how he lost her. Ed said that she had some problems. He said he doesn't want to give her business out on the air.
Howard said she was so hot that JD was jealous. JD said it was weird. He said she was attracted to him and he doesn't know why. Ed said that Howard played a clip of him fucking that girl. JD said he must have put that out of his mind. Howard asked what she looked like. JD said she was shorter and had big boobs. He said she had a tight body. Ed was going to say her name but Howard cut him off. He said he feels for this girl so he's kind of protective of her.
JD said he's looking at this girl and she was just there with Ed. Howard saw her and said she is super hot. He said she's a 9. JD said she looks good. Howard said he can't believe that Ed fucked her. Ed said he did it in all three holes. Howard asked if the ear is in there. Wolfie said Ed is a fan of ass to mouth. He said he has anal and then sticks it in her mouth. Howard asked why he'd want that. Ed said if she's clean there's no shit. He said that she sucks the extra cum out.
Howard asked Ed if he was jealous when she went to work with other dudes. Ed said that one of them was a Buffalo Bills guy and he got paid for that. Robin asked what he means. Ed said that he doesn't want to say too much. Howard said he doesn't want to know anyway. Robin said we're in a dark hole now. Howard said so is Ed.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said this is more disturbing than the fisting stuff. He said he has to think about some fat chick doing ass to mouth. Ed said he'd like to know what Ralph gets. Howard said Ralph would think this chick was hot. Ralph said he can't imagine anything above a 4 popping in. Howard said Ralph is a good judge of beauty. He asked the guys to send it to Ralph. Jason sent it to him.
Howard said he has to go soon. He said he has a psychiatrist appointment. Howard asked Jason what the delay is. Jason said it went through. Ralph said there it is. He said he got it from Chris. He checked out the pictures and he said he can't see it. He said they're blurry. He said she does look like a hostage. Howard said she's hot though. Ralph said he has to admit she is. He said that sucks. He said that's not fair. He asked Ed how much he paid her. Ed said she paid his hotel and stuff. He said he has receipts.
Howard said that might be his greatest accomplishment in life. He asked Will if he saw the picture. Will said he got annoyed by the whole thing. He said he remembers her being up there in the green room with Ed and she was all over him. He said Ed loved it.
Howard let Ed go and wrapped up that segment. Howard said they have a tribute to Eric the Actor on Howard 101 this week. He said he just wanted to tease that. Howard said Jann Wenner will be on the show on Monday. He said he has one question for him about breaking up the band Cream.
Howard had Ralph back on to give his thoughts on this girl that Ed was with. He said she's kind of thick and a JD kind of girl. He said she's not that hot. Howard said Ralph can be weird. He let him go and ended the show around 10:30am.