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Howard said he sees that James Corden is retiring next year. He said he had him on the show. Robin said its not really retiring. Howard said he thinks he's insane. He said he wishes he'd come on and he'd tell him. Robin said he might be independently wealthy. Howard said he heard he wants to go back to England. He said he's got a shot on American television and he has a good salary there. He asked why he would walk away from that. He said he has too much common sense. Robin said he said he wants to write. Howard said he can't get through more than a page when he tries to write. He said his hand starts to hurt.
Howard said he has an idea for another book but he doesn't want to write. He said he's not going to write. He asked if James is really going to write. He said if you want to write, do it on the weekend. He asked how much time you need to do that.
Howard said he knows this show takes up a lot of his time. He said it's never going to end. He said maybe he'll be real old when he ends the show. He said by the end of this contract he'll be real old. He said if he's going to write something, he's going to write it for this show. He said James should write some jokes for his own show and stay there.
Howard said writers don't even like writing. He said they hate their job. He said Jimmy Kimmel hates writing but he does it for his show. He said just do the show and keep doing it. He said writing is a torturous process. He said writing with Fred was painful. He said that he hated doing that. He said that he would eat his pen the whole time. Fred said that Howard is an introvert and that's why it's so hard to write with someone. Fred said it was torture being in the room with Howard as well.
Howard said this is a farewell to James Corden. He said in this clip he's crying. He said come on. He said he should be doing a dance when he retires. Howard said that's what he'll be doing when he retires. He said he has a friend who writes and all day he sits and dreams about getting a talk show some day.
Howard said when you get good at something you think you can do other things. He said Steve Allen was like that. He said everyone told him he was a genius and he thought he could do anything. He said the genius left the Tonight Show and no one ever heard from him again. Robin said he was just being a guest on other shows. Howard said he knows that Steve died angry at him for saying that but it was the truth.
Howard said Michael Jordan left the NBA to play baseball. He said he wasn't that good at it. He said he went right back to basketball. He said on American Idol they're doing Disney night. He said they have to get rid of that. He said all of the performances were horrible. He said they had to turn it off. He said ABC has some nerve. He said they do this thing on Idol where they do Disney night. He said they're not known for great music. He said the music was horrible. He said another guy is Brian Dunkelman. He said the guy had it made on Idol and he walked away from it and you never hear from him again.
Howard said he'd tell Corden to stay where he is. He said he hit the jackpot. Howard played a clip of James talking about his last year there on his show. He said he's a young man and could do another 5 years and enjoy a good job and a good paycheck. He said he's sure there are plenty of people who would love to have that job.
Howard said Paul McCartney is a genius. He said he never tried to stop the music business and be a screenwriter. He said he's turning 80 and he's still singing Beatles songs. He said the man is a genius. He said you don't have to be a genius at 25 things.
Robin said they don't know what will happen to James. Howard said he'll show up on other talk shows and that's it. He said Tom Brady retired for 15 minutes and he's coming back.
Howard played more of James talking about leaving the show to see what else is out there. James said they're going to make the show the best they can this final year. He said there will be so many tears. He said he's never taken this show for granted. Howard said yes he has.
Robin asked why he signed for one more year if he's so tortured. Howard said Conan left his show and now he's doing a Podcast. He said that's what's out there. He said James is crying and Alex Trebek didn't cry when he left Jeopardy. He said they had to blow him out of there with a stick of dynamite. He said that guy didn't miss one show. He said he was a genius and knew. Robin said if he had quit and beat cancer he'd have nothing to do.
Howard said if you look back in history and see that someone quit after one invention then we'd have nothing. He said if Thomas Edison had quit after just one thing we'd be screwed.
Howard said the person who was smart was Dick Clark. He said some of the kids may not remember him but he was a stroked out guy who hung in there and hosted New Years Rockin' Eve every year. He said he stayed with that show as long as he could.
Robin said she's thinking about that Late show and a lot of people have quit. Robin said the last guy quit and where is he? She said you don't even remember his name. She said there was the first guy too. Howard said her point is well made. He said Craig Ferguson was the last guy. He said Jay Leno was smart. He said they had to pry him out like a rotten tooth. He said he didn't want to leave. He said James Corden is a good guy and a great guest but he shouldn't leave. He said Letterman stuck with it a long time too. He said he knew.
Howard said his mom is getting better but now his dad is hallucinating. He said this person who helps his dad tells him this story about how he's going to kill everyone in there and he's seeing people in the room. Howard said he sent them some Nathan's hot dogs and fries to eat. He said his dad ate them. He said now he's going through something called Sun Downing. He said they say as the sun is going down they start hallucinating. He said his parents won't open a window and they don't know what time it is. He said his mother asked what time it was and he told her it was 5 and she asked if it was morning or night. He said she won't open a window.
Howard said his parents are going to outlive him. He said they may have another 18 years in them. He said the oldest woman in the world is like 118. He said there was a clip years ago where this 110 woman was interviewed. He said this is what his mother sounds like now. He played a clip of that woman being interviewed years ago. She sounded really tired in the clip. Howard said that's what his mother sounds like.
Howard played more of the clip and the news anchor was asking the woman questions and it sounded like she didn't want to be bothered.
Howard said his mother sleeps all day and night. He said she doesn't want to sit with his dad. He said she gets depressed from that. He said no one understands what his dad is even saying now. He said she moved into her own room. He said he's busy fighting imaginary people.
Howard played more of the 110 year old woman who just stopped talking to the interviewer. She said she wasn't excited for her party one bit. Howard said that's his mom. He said his sister will tell his mom that he's coming over and she'll tell him to stay home.
Howard said she's coming back and eating now though. He said yesterday she started in and wanted Bagel Boss. He said she wanted some coffee with her bagel and cream cheese. He said they got a hold of DoorDash and had it there in like 10 minutes. He said they didn't hear the bell ring though. He said his person calls him up asking where the food is. He said it was there an hour ago. He said the TV is so loud they can't hear the doorbell ring.
Howard said his mom is getting back to watching TV and wanting to live again. He said his mother wanted to be dead 2 weeks ago. He said now she's eating a bagel. He said every day is like taking her temperature. He said she's about 50/50 on wanting to stay alive. Robin said it was up at 80 or 90 at one point. Howard said they had her in the ground and they were planning a funeral. He said now the funeral is off.
Howard said he should be drinking and taking drugs. He said it's horrible to see what life can be like. He said his father reads the paper but the paper is upside down. He said he asks his dad questions but he's just staring at the wall. He said he wont even let him open a window in the room. He said he used to make fun of the 1000 pound sisters but they have it figured out. He said they'll die in their 40s and they'll have enjoyed their life eating whatever they wanted to.
Robin said she thinks that the have been bitten by vampires. Howard said maybe they were. He said he was eating Ramen noodles the other night instead of spaghetti. He said he thought that he should just eat the spaghetti. He said he's not sure why he wants to stick around. He said he should enjoy something.
Howard said he got his dad a contraption for his dad. He said Beth got yelled at. He said they were over there and Beth looks for what to shop for. He said that she'll go out getting them stuff. He said she does real work. He said his dad didn't even recognize Beth with her mask on. He said he doesn't recognize anyone. He said he thinks that he was hitting on Beth. He said that's what was going on. He said he came to life when Beth showed up. He said he was getting jacked up. He said he had to tell his dad who he was and who Beth was. He said it's unbelievable.
Howard said his dad thought Beth was there to take him to heaven. He said he spent the whole day with his mom. He said he doesn't try to talk her into staying alive. He said he just wants her to have a good day. Howard said he was leaving and he got his dad this microphone contraption so he can hear. He said it's great. He said they got it on Amazon. He said it looks like he's on the air when he has his headphones on. He said he has a weird face when you put the headphones on his head. He said he freaks out. He said then you talk and he hears you.
Howard said he tells his dad he's going to tell him what's going on. He said one of the Aides asks for Beth's number to put it on the refrigerator. He said then his dad tells her to shut up. He said that he told his dad to calm down. He said everyone is trying to help him. He said he doesn't care.
Howard said he told his dad they had to eat so they put food there for his mom. He said he had to tell him slowly about what was happening. He said his dad says he's a smart guy. He said now he's talking. Howard said this guy is making a lot of sense. He said you walk out of there your voice hurts from talking so loud. He said you have to check to see if they're still breathing. He said he doesn't want to talk if they're not there anymore. He said it's like visiting hell. He said this must be what hell is like.
Howard said he tells his parents that they're leaving and he loves them. He never gets a love you back from him. He said his daughter Emily got a ''love you'' though. He said he was shocked by that. He said he may not even know who she is but she says that she tells him all the time.
Robin said it sounds like he doesn't remember anything about his life that he's lived. Howard said that's right. He said he thinks he still reads the paper but he doesn't really know what's going on. He said he could yell at his dad like he used to do when he was a kid. He said he's a human being though so he won't do that. He said he could yell at this man who has lost his mind about being an idiot but that's the same thing as yelling at a 5 year old. He did his impression of his dad asking him questions as a kid. Howard had Fred play some of his dad clips where he yelled at him. He had one where Ben asked him about religious services. Young Howard didn't know what to say so he just rambled. He had another clip of his dad talking to him about politics. Howard was like 7 at the time.
Howard said his father has a way with kids. He said his dad was a ball of fun. He said he's going to use the same logic on him now that he has no brain. He said that he's going to ask about what's going on in the Ukraine and tell him not to be stupid.
Fred played the clip where Howard gets called a moron by his dad. Howard said this moron is banking a medical wing to keep him alive now. He said that's the big dummy.
Howard said he should use the same lines back on him. He said asking a 7 year old about the United Nations is torture. He said he should do the same thing to his dad, the guy with dementia. He talked about how he's giving them super deluxe care but he was called a moron his whole life. Robin said family is like sticky paper and you can't get it off. She said you just have to walk around with it stuck to your shoe.
Howard did an impression of what he could talk to his dad about and then calling him a moron. He was becoming his father just reversing roles.
Howard said he'd like to thank his therapist. He said he's obviously doing just fine.
Howard said his parents think they did a great job raising him. He said he asked his mom what she think about the way they raised him. He said she says they did the best they could. He said she said his father loves him. He said she started crying and felt attacked. He said that he can't make her feel bad and made her feel better. Howard said Robin's father didn't live to 100 to make a nuisance of himself. He said he was going to do a bit on the air where they were going to talk about who had the worst parents. He said he has a whole journal of ideas he's never done on radio. He said he has some ridiculous things in there. He said this was to see whose mother had it worse. He said it would be his mother, Robin or Fred's mother. He said that they all had it bad. He said his mother had it bad. Robin said her mother's family was dirt poor. She said they had to catch a bird to eat. She said she told her stories about catching birds. Howard got a laugh out of that story. He said these stories are unbelievable. Howard said maybe her mother had it worse. Howard and Robin were cracking up about their mothers horrible stories. Howard said his mother had it bad. He said he was sure that she had it the worst but then Robin said she had to catch birds to eat. Robin said it gets worse. She said that her father was much older than her mother and he had a whole family of kids he raised and then the mother died. She said she thinks her grandmother was between 12 and 15 when he married her. She said she's not sure she wouldn't have been considered a slow adult. Howard said she wins.
Howard said Fred's mother had it bad too. Fred said she did have World War II to live through. He said she was a kid over in Latvia when she was a kid. She said she's 89 now. He said she was pretty sick at the time. He said one week the Germans would be invading the country and then the Russians would invade. He said she had it bad but he's not sure she had to catch pigeons. He said his mom had no teen years. Robin said that her mother had to get a job in 8th grade to support the family. Howard said Fred is out of the game. Fred said his mother had to raise him so she had it the worst.
Howard said he didn't know about the bird story. Robin said that he's been missing out on that for a long time. She said that she had to have her mom tell her that story a couple of times. Howard said his parents had bad stories but that tops them all. Howard said Ronnie's mom had it made. She was having threesomes with her neighbors.
Howard said on a serious note he wants his parents to be comfortable. He said he does whatever he can but it's time consuming and frustrating. He said it weighs on you. He said he and Robin have talked about it and how expensive it can be. He said that Biden had a provision for elderly care in this package he was trying to pass. He said you don't know how expensive it can be to take care of the elderly.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake George Takei who was saying he wins because he was in a Japanese American internment camp. He said he ate dirt there. Howard said he wins then.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she followed Jeff on social media and within a minute of that he was sending her dick pics. She said that he asked if he could show her his ''thickness.'' She said that he kept going at it and asking if he could show her. Howard said he's like a one armed Harvey Weinstein. The caller, Megan, said that she never wanted to see his dick. Howard lost her in the middle of her story. Howard asked the guys to bring her back.
Howard got Jeff back on the line too. Howard said he has some way with the ladies. Jeff said he heard that. Howard said he owes her an apology. He said that you can't just send someone your dick pic. Jeff said he apologizes.
Howard got Megan back on the line. She said there's more to the story. She said she saw a tweet where this other woman was going to put out a picture of Jeff's dick on her profile. She said other women were getting pictures from him. She said that there are claims from people who say that he's been doing this for years.
Howard asked Jeff why he feels compelled to send pictures of his penis to them. He said that's a big jump in the relationship. Jeff said he lives alone and he's got no one. He said he's not sure what to say. Jeff said he's not happy about it. Howard said this woman is a fan of his and then he sends her a picture of his penis. Jeff said he knows. Robin said if this is what you do then you can't make friends.
Howard asked Jeff why he feels compelled to do this. Jeff said he can't say why. Howard asked if he feels it gives him some sexual thrill. Jeff said it must. Howard said he's asking him. Jeff said it must. Howard asked if he jerks off thinking about her having his picture. Jeff said not really. Howard asked if he thinks she'll want it inside of her. Jeff said he doesn't fucking know. Robin said he can't just keep his finger off that button. Jeff said right.
Howard asked Megan what happened with her. Megan said she followed him and she got all of these messages from him saying she was cute and then he was asking her if he could show his thickness to her. She said she can barely say that without gagging. She said that he moves faster with other people from what she's read. She said that he will just send some people the dick pic.
Fred did his Jeff the Drunk Puppet thing for a minute. Chris Wilding got on and said he can corroborate this story because women reach out to him about it. He said that he gets to the dick pic so quick. He said he's even sent him his dick pic. He said that it's not just women.
Howard said the most common motivation for this is for the sender to get something back from the person they send to. Jeff said he's never thought about that.
Howard asked Megan if it was thick. Megan said it's all relative. She said she didn't lock eyes with it. Howard asked how old she is. Megan said they share a birthday but she's 30 years younger than Howard. She said Jeff has 50,000 followers on Twitter and she searches for this and there have to be more women who have seen his member. Howard said he has an okay penis from what he remembers. He said he's not sure what lesson they can learn from this. Jeff said happy birthday to himself. Howard asked if he's going to continue doing this. Jeff said he will not send another dick pic ever again in his entire life. Howard said it's okay to do it if the woman wants to see it. He said he's not sure he should send it unsolicited. Howard said in this day she should be cancelling Jeff but he's got nothing to cancel.
Megan said that she was thinking that his dick is way more offensive then Bobo's ghost writer story so that's why she's on today.
Howard said when you ask Jeff why he sends the pics and he has no answer there has to be something he's not sharing. Jeff said he really doesn't know why he does it. Howard asked him to take a moment and think about why he does it. Jeff said he's done doing it. He said he's not sure why he did it. Chris said it must turn him on. He said maybe it's the idea of shocking the woman. Howard said it must make you feel like a loser. Jeff said yeah and this doesn't help.
Megan said that you're not even given the option of seeing it or not. Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Dan Rather who said he has been under cover as Danica Rather and he has received over 7,000 pictures of Jeff's penis. He said it looks unwashed and odorous and it's not thick. He said it appears to be thinner than a vegan at a butcher shop.
Howard said he didn't know he was under cover. He thanked him for the report. Dan said that his life is sending him penis pictures constantly. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from another woman, Erin, who said she was bored during the pandemic so she followed some Wack Packers. She said Jeff said hi to her and then he asked if she wanted to see his cock. She said no and he sent it anyway. She said she swears she could smell it through her phone. Howard said she was turned off to Jeff. Jeff said he hears them. He sounded pissed. Jeff said he knows. Howard said when a woman says no that means no. Jeff said there's something wrong with him.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she's 62 and a lesbian. She said she reached out to Jeff and he kept sending her pictures of his dick. She said she was trying to be nice to him but he kept sending her pictures. Howard said maybe he's so lonely that he has to have intimacy and contact and this is the only way to get it. He said this is the only way to be seen. Jeff said maybe. The caller said she wanted to help him. She said he turned it around on her.
Howard asked Jeff why he'd send this 62 year old lesbian a picture of his dick. Jeff said he doesn't know. Howard said many women were victims of this. Jeff said he really doesn't know why he does this. Howard asked what the criteria is to send pictures of his thickness to women. Jeff said he doesn't know. He said he knows he's trying to piss him off and make him yell. Howard said he really doesn't. He said he wants to understand.
Robin said whenever Jeff feels cornered he turns it around. She said he's making it Howard's fault. Howard said he's tapped into something very interesting. Robin said this is what Jeff does when he feels cornered. Jeff said they want something to make fun of him for. He said that they want to make a fool of him. Megan said he's gas lighting them now.
Howard said he's trying to be kind to Jeff. Jeff said they want to make fun of the Wack Pack. Howard said Jeff is not the victim here. He said that he's just asking questions. He said he's not looking to do anything else. He said he's not being mean. He said he just wants to understand why he's doing what he does. Jeff said he's not sure what the reason is. He said there's no rhyme or reason to it. Howard asked if he has a compulsion. Jeff said yes. Howard said that's all he's asking.
Howard read that people who do this may have been shamed by their parents or someone about nudity. Jeff said that's not the case. He said as a kid he was in California and out there streaking was a big thing. He said he ran around the house naked once and his brother locked the door. He said that he was stuck outside naked. He said that gave him something to do. Howard asked if anyone made fun of him. Jeff said no.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said this is wrong on so many levels. He said his initial call was ridiculous and Jeff is vile and no one wants to see his dick. He said that he does want to see it though. Chris said he'll send him a copy. Howard said there are people who want to see it. He said send it to Ralph, Chris and him. He said leave the women alone and stop sending them the pictures. Jeff apologized to Megan. Robins said that she has to take away his therapist's license. She asked if that's all that Jeff has to do?
Howard said he's thinking about this story about a woman who was beautiful and she had to break up with a guy who was sending out dick pics to other women.
Howard said that he has a man on the line who says there is nothing wrong with Jeff. The guy said his name is Ted Bundy and he's going to fuck this corpse right now. Howard said there you go. Jeff said that was bad.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that if you follow Jeff this is going to happen. She asked how Megan didn't know that was going to happen. Megan said she's victim blaming now. She said this isn't okay. The caller said that Megan is calling herself a victim over a dick pic. She said that's not right. Megan said she sounds silly right now so she can't talk to her. The two were going back and forth arguing about what Megan said about being a victim. The caller told her to just stop following Jeff. Megan said she blocked him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she got pictures from Jeff about 3 weeks ago. The caller, Debra, said that you could almost smell the urine through the picture. She said you tell him no and he still sends them. She said that he's a hateful human being. Howard said he's afraid this isn't helping. He said he's getting so much attention that he may send out more dick pics. Jeff said the yellow in his house is paint, not urine. Debra said that her son said he'll take his arm off for him after she told him what he did. She said leave women alone. Jeff said of course. She said she's not going to accept his apology. She said Jeff needs to be in therapy.
Robin asked if Jeff has ever flashed a woman on the street. Jeff said never. Robin asked if he's telling the truth. Jeff said of course.
Howard said Jeff is a lonely guy and he finally accomplished something. He said he got Megan, Debra and other women to pay attention to him. He said he's lonely and he wants to be taken care of. He said he's asking for people to look at him. He said he's exposing himself to them and asking them to pay attention to him. He said in some bizarre way Megan is paying attention to him now but it's in a negative way. Robin said this is the only way for him to attract. Howard said he has to get some real attention and get it for what he needs. Robin said this isn't good for him. She said that she also wants to say that he had something going on and he didn't tell them about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jeff sent him a message on Instagram and he send him a dick pic too. He said it was unsolicited. Howard asked the caller about being blocked by Jeff. the caller said he did get blocked after he showed some people what he did.
Howard said Jeff says he's going to stop sending dick pics. He said he's not sure if that's the truth. Chris asked what he gets out of sending it to men. Howard said he gets attention. Jeff said he doesn't think the last caller was legit. Howard said maybe Jeff is bisexual. Jeff said no. Howard asked why he sends it to men. Jeff said he's not High Pitch Erik. Megan said here are men who say they got dick pics from Jeff. Chris said that Jeff did ask him to stop by if he was ever in his area.
Megan said that she sees that Jeff was kicked off of Periscope because he was always jerking off on camera.
Howard took a call from a woman, Jill, who said she got dick pics from Jeff in 2019. She said that he was doing it back then. She said that she just asked how he was doing and she sent picture after picture. She said she had to block him but she has screen shots of it all. Howard said Jeff must think that his penis is his best feature. Jeff said he does. Howard said it's like him and his feet.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake George Takei who said he just got the dick pic and he suddenly wants pussy. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard let Megan go too.
Jeff said he wanted to thank him for something but his phone got garbled. Howard said it was something about his birthday. He said happy birthday. He let Jeff go and did a live commercial read before going to break.
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Howard came back and sang along with the Soundgarden song. He said Chris Cornell died at the age of 52. He said that was back in 2017. He said that Chris talked about writing this song and how quick he came up with it. He said that he mis-heard a news anchor say something that he thought was Black Hole Sun. He said that he brought the song to the band and didn't think they'd like it but it ended up being their biggest hit.
Robin said it is a song you want to sing along with. Howard sang along with it and Fred played Robin ''singing'' drops to go along with it.
Howard said some people say he's actually better than Chris Cornell. He sang more and Fred played Robin over him. It was a mess.
Howard said people love when he sings. He said he's getting more mail asking him to sing more. He said he uses Peloton and he hates it when the trainers sing along with the music. He said he's sure that all of America was just turned off.
Robin said she used to love working in the studio and she could hear a song and sing at the top of her lungs and no one would hear.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Bill Shatner. Bill started singing Black Hole Sun in his very unique way. Howard said he's the greatest captain of the star ship Enterprise. He said that he's never heard him do that rendition of that song before. Bill said he's not finished. He spoke more of the song for Howard.
Howard said he's the master of the dramatic pause. Bill kept going with the bit for a while longer. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said he didn't mean to be rude but that song was going on and on and on.
Howard said he was watching American Idol and Katy Perry fell off her chair. He said that she was wearing a mermaid costume. He said he knew she was going to fall off her chair. He said that he knew it because the chairs they sit in are the same ones they sat on when he did America's Got Talent. He said he knew she was going to fall. Robin asked if he thinks that was planned. Howard said not at all. Robin said she did. She said she knew she was going to do a pratfall during that show when she saw her in that costume.
Howard said ABC insists on having that Disney thing going on. He said it was a horrible show. Robin said they said one woman was over the top spectacular. Howard said no. He said it was not good. He said this Nicolina woman has a terrific voice but the Disney songs are so bad. He said the songs are putrid and don't move you at all. He said the songs were boring and there's no way to make them good. He said they're just horrible. Robin asked about the song that was written by Phil Collins. Howard said Phil is very talented but horrible. He said that was horrible. He said the show was horrible. He said he would have told the performers they were horrible. He said he'd be too honest if he was a judge on that show.
Howard said they trot out this Derek Hough to give the kids advice. Howard said he's a dancer. He said this guy Derek is standing there and he knows nothing about music. He said he dances to it. He said the kids come out and he listens to them sing. He said then he tells them to spread their arms and invite us in with movement. He said the thought they should throw him right off the show. He said he was advising them about moving on the stage. He said it was nothing to do with their singing.
Howard said he would have told the kids not to listen to that guy. He said don't sing these songs and don't listen to this moron. He said don't even listen to the country singer dude. He said he used to be on America's Got Talent. He said he would turn to Heidi and ask what she knows about comedy. He said no one cared what she had to say about comedy. He said that they cut that right out of the show.
Howard played the audio of Katy falling out of her chair. Robin asked who was laughing at her. Howard said it was that country guy. Robin asked if it was Luke Bryan. Howard said sure.
Howard said one of the celebrities who was there was Paris Hilton. He said that she hasn't aged out of that thing yet. Robin said she's very popular in Japan and other places. She said she's back on reality TV. Howard said she posted a video on YouTube about what to bring to Coachella. Howard said he's not sure how people relate to her. He said she has an affect that's flat and she seems to be really out of touch with people. He played some clips and goofed on her a bit about the way she talks. Howard said she speaks in a flat way. He said it's not interesting.
Howard said the whole world is weird. He said he thought that all of that nonsense was going to be over by the time he got older. He said he thought the world would be cooler. He said it didn't happen.
Howard said Ronnie found out when he tweeted out ''Good titty Tuesday.'' He said Emilio's son let him know that he had passed away. He said that Ronnie isn't going to the funeral. Ronnie said it's up in Canada. Howard said Ronnie tweeted out Emilio dying and said he was a ''great due.'' Howard asked if he wrote reset in puss. Ronnie said he said rest in peace.
Howard said Ronnie kept retweeting naked pictures. He said that he said another goodbye to Emilio the next day when he said happy hump day. Ronnie said they're going to keep his account open and his son may tweet now. Howard said his father never wanted him in the family business but Emilio did. Ronnie said he's hoping his son will take it over and start posting pictures. Robin asked if he wants his son to take over his account. Ronnie said no.
Howard said Ronnie said something very nice about Emilio when he found out about his death. He said he was surprised by that. He said he thought that he would write something less boring. Ronnie said he was trying to be respectful to the guy. He said he was a good dude. Howard said Ronnie has been sending remembrances of Emilio. He read some of that stuff. Howard said he sounds like a pervy man with a heart of gold. Ronnie said he was.
Ronnie told Ronnie Puppet that they don't show pussy on his account after Fred said something about that. Howard said they do show it sometimes. Ronnie said it's not really graphic though.
Ronnie said that girl they had on What's My Secret is pointing some really wild shit. He said she's 7 months pregnant and posting pictures of herself saying that she's only pregnant in one hole. He said she'll squeeze her boobs and squirt milk out of them. He said that doesn't do anything for him though.
Howard and Fred did their Ronnie voices and talked about he wild stuff that he and Emilio did.
Howard said Chris and Jon Blitt have been fucking with Ronnie for a long time now. He said he didn't even know about it. Ronnie said he knows it was them. He said he keeps asking Blitt about it and he denies it. He said you know he's lying about it.
Howard had Chris and Blitt come on to talk about this thing they were doing. Chris said this has been going on for 2 months. He said it's an all hands on deck kind of thing. He said they were sending Ronnie pictures to tweet out. He said they made all of these phony accounts and they had hidden messages in the background. He said Ronnie would retweet stuff. He said they had him tweeting out pictures with hidden messages in them like ''Ronnie is a dumb prick'' and things like that. He said they got bigger and bolder and the fans were telling him to look at them closer. He said he's not sure that Ronnie knows how to take down a retweet. Ronnie said he does. He said he doesn't look that close at the pictures. He said he's been looking closer now at them.
Chris said that they sent him more pictures with stuff in the background and Ronnie would retweet them. He said he's not sure how he missed this stuff. Blitt said it was the best thing ever.
Chris said that Ronnie does the highlight of the week and he posted one with a bunch of black cocks on this girl's head. He said Ronnie had no idea. Ronnie said they took one picture like that and had a cock hanging out of the shorts this girl was wearing.
Chris said they were putting Ronnie's head on guys with boners and it was so bad. He said they're not good at Photoshop. They showed Howard some of them and Ronnie said he hasn't seen some of them. The guys said they're posted on his account. Ronnie said a lot of people check them on their computer and the pictures of bigger. He said he checks them on his phone which is smaller. Howard said maybe he should check them better now. Ronnie said he is.
Howard asked what they were going to post. Blitt said he doesn't want to say because they could have gotten him kicked off of Twitter. Chris said they got Ronnie to tweet a picture of Eva Braun in a bikini. Ronnie tweeted it out. Howard said that's the woman who was with Hitler. Howard asked if he knows who that is. Ronnie said sure. He said he saw a chick in a bikini in an old style picture. He didn't care who it was. Chris said they had him tweeting out a lot of awful women.
Howard said this is like elder abuse. Ronnie said it is. Chris said this is teaching a lesson. Howard asked what lesson that is. Blitt said that they could have gotten him kicked off of Twitter. Ronnie said people don't do this to him. He said it's only these two idiots.
Ronnie said how about what they did to JD's hair. Blitt said that he fooled Ronnie into thinking JD was going bald and he was wearing a toupee.
Chris said that they got him to tweet out pictures of transsexuals who had giant cocks. Ronnie said he doesn't care about that. He said he'd do that anyway. He said that's hot. Howard asked if he would fuck her in the ass. Ronnie said if he didn't know she had a cock. Howard asked what he would do to her. Ronnie said nothing. The guys kept asking him what he would do to a trans person and he said he's not going to do anything. He said he's only doing stuff with Stephanie. Howard eventually got him to admit he might let the person jerk him off. Howard said he's going to tell you something. He said he would let him jerk him off and he'd stare at her cock. Robin said he might let her have his butt. Chris said why not. He said be proud.
Howard asked if Ronnie would have a threesome with Stephanie and that trans person. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said he'd have to be pretty fucked up. He said he's not saying no. Howard said that's an honest answer.
Howard said it seems to him that the guys were very successful at what they did. Chris said they did it with more than 50 pictures. He said one picture that had a phone number in it that his fans could call and leave messages for him goofing on him. Howard said that's right. He said Ronnie didn't even know about that. Ronnie said he never saw that. Chris said he didn't see any of this.
Howard played the voice mail message that Chris had made and the messages that the fans were leaving for him. Ralph was one of the people leaving messages for him. Chris said that went on for days and they had to cut it down.
Howard said that number is still up on his account. He said people are still calling. Howard asked what this other thing is. Chris said this was going so well that they got this guy David Glantz to do for them. He said it's a great Photoshop of Ronnie. He said that they got him to tweet it out. Ronnie said he saw that one. Howard saw it and laughed his ass off. Ronnie told Blitt to go fuck himself and not call him on Friday this week. Howard said come on. He asked why he would tweet out a picture of himself getting fucked in the ass by a man. Ronnie said on the phone you can't see it that well. Howard said these guys are teaching you a lesson. He said you have to check your feed.
Ronnie was upset with Blitt and said some of the stuff he did just isn't right. Howard said he didn't know they were doing this. Ronnie said he had to know. Howard said he really didn't.
Howard said the pictures that they got Ronnie to tweet out were great. He said Ronnie tweeted out pictures of Jason and Chris as women and he didn't know it. Ronnie said he looks at them real quick and he just sends them out. Howard looked at one of Jason and Ronnie said he never put that one out. Howard said it's on his feed right now.
Howard said Ronnie even retweeted a picture of himself as a woman and didn't know it. Ronnie said he took some of them down. Chris said they're all still up on his account. He said that he's not sure how he missed some of this stuff. Ronnie said they got him.
Howard said Emilio is turning over in his grave. Chris said the final thing the got him to do was retweet a video. He said they had this video that they put in another video. He said it's him and Jon dressed as Ronnie and they have themselves in front of giant cocks and they talk about not checking their tweets and this is what happens. He said then they sing about how much Ronnie loves cock. He said they just put a few seconds of titty video before them. Ronnie said he saw it and took it down. Howard played the audio of the guys doing their thing.
Howard said Ronnie got scammed and he should apologize to the guys. He said he's putting out a lot of stuff he should be checking. He said he can't put out a whole video that he hasn't watched. Ronnie said he didn't see the whole thing.
Howard said Ronnie worked in security for 30 years. He said that attention to detail is important. Ronnie said that's right. Howard said these guys are teaching him a lesson.
Howard said he has a woman on the phone who wants to have sex with Ronnie. He had a guy on the line talking about how great it is that Ronnie finds him attractive. Ronnie said no thanks Mike. He knew who the caller was.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he doesn't get Ronnie's fever to tweet stuff. He said he sent out pictures of women with shit stained panties. He asked what's going on there. He said he's not even taking the time to look at a 30 second video. He asked why not look at the stuff first. Ronnie said he saw the video after he sent it out.
Howard said if he had tweeted out something that got him in trouble he'd be upset. Ronnie said he didn't know there were people trying to do that to him. Blitt said they could have gotten him arrested. Howard said in all seriousness it could have been a beheading or something. Robin said it still could be anything like that. She said he hasn't learned a lesson from this. Howard said he could have sent out a white power message or something and not knowing it.
Howard said how about taking some time to look at this stuff. Ronnie said he is now. Chris said that he sent out one picture more than once because he was in such a rush to get them out.
Howard asked if he thought the picture of Jason as a woman was hot. Ronnie said he didn't say she was hot. He said he just puts stuff up. Howard asked if he knows how to take stuff down. Ronnie said he does. Chris said he's not sure he knows how to delete stuff. He said he knows how to un-retweet stuff but not delete it.
Howard asked Ronnie who he's angriest at. Ronnie said Blitt thinks he's so good at pranks but it's not funny. He said that the JD thing wasn't funny. Blitt said he was zooming with Ronnie and JD was always wasted and he told Ronnie that he was suffering from losing his hair and he was wearing a toupee. He said that he was self medicating so that's why he was always wasted. Ronnie said he took it seriously and thought he really was losing his hair.
Howard asked if he's upset that JD has latched on to Blitt. Ronnie said that's stupid. He said that he left his kids behind too. He said he still talks to JD and he's not jealous.
Ronnie said that he is wore rid about JD. He said he's always wasted. JD said that's because he calls him when he's hanging out with Blitt. Chris said Blitt is a bad influence. Howard asked if he thinks that Blitt is a bad influence on him. Ronnie said he is. He said he's trying to get JD to try all sorts of shit. He said JD is a follower. Everyone was talking over each other at this point.
Howard said he's concerned about young JD as well. Ronnie said he's trying to take this shit seriously. He said he's really worried about JD. Howard said he is too. Ronnie said he's just pointing out what's going on.
JD said there are times when he has been asked by Blitt to do things and he has said no. He said that he won't do certain things. Blitt said he doesn't force him to do anything. He said he won't smoke weed so he doesn't force him into it. He said he'll give him an edible if he wants it. Ronnie said that JD was wasted that night they talked to him from Peter Luger's. JD told him to talk to Jon Hein instead.
Howard said Ronnie used to take JD out to strip clubs so he was a bad influence too. Ronnie said having chicks he was banging isn't bad. He said he wasn't married to anyone. Ralph said that is a little irresponsible. Howard said he's just saying he should take some blame. He said he was going to strip clubs and stuff.
Howard said both of these guys were probably a bad influence on JD. He said that's what he's saying. He said JD did spend $10,000 on web cam girls one year.
Howard said this is all jealousy. He said Ronnie is jealous of Blitt's relationship with JD.
Howard asked JD what's with him being so whacked out that he can't talk when he's out to eat. Blitt said he was the one who face timed Ronnie. He said that they were showing where they were. Chris said Jon likes to show off. Howard said he thinks he called Ronnie to show off where they were. Ronnie said it did seem like that.
Howard recapped and went over what they learned today. He said what he has learned is that Ronnie should vet what he is posting. He said there's a good lesson to be learned here. Chris said he's going to wait a week and send him something else. Howard said maybe get an assistant to help him out. Ronnie said he had one but she died. JD said rest in peace Zena. Ronnie said now he needs a new person to replace Emilio too.
Howard said there's a new song parody about Ronnie and how he'll tweet out anything. He played that for Ronnie. Chris said they got Ronnie to retweet over 50 pictures in the time they were doing this.
Howard said JD may need a conservator. He said that's another thing they learned today. Ronnie said he's going to talk to his wife about this. Howard said he could end up in a cult or something. Howard said he has to ask JD a question. He asked out of Ronnie and Jon Blitt who would he keep if he could keep just one. JD said he'd pick Ronnie so he doesn't have to put up with Blitt's dumb pranks all the time. Blitt said he loves JD. He said he's his best friend. Ronnie said he's so full of shit.
Blitt said that JD just asked him to go antiquing with him. He said he has a place near his house that he knows JD wants to go there to check out the baseball cards at. He said he did ask him to go.
Howard asked JD if he's getting high too much. JD said he's not getting high at all. He said he's only had like 4 or 5 of these mints that he got from Blitt. Howard said JD told him he drinks about every night. JD said it's not like he's crazy drunk every night.
Howard said they learned that Ronnie has to check his Twitter feed every time now. Chris said they don't have to check on him. He said he tweeted out ''Happy tax Friday'' a few weeks ago. Ronnie said he was high as a kite when he did that. He said he was smoking with Blitt. He said the next day he was so fucked up that he thought it was Friday on a Thursday.
Ronnie asked if he heard about Apples. Howard said no. He asked what it is. Ronnie said he got a phone call from his buddy from Maverick Helicopter. He said Apples is coming to Vegas soon and he called Maverick to get a discount though him. He said he thought he was friends with the owner but he's not the owner. He said that Apples is trying to get free shit through him.
Howard took a call from Apples who was laughing and said he already paid for his trip and he wasn't trying to get a discount. Ronnie asked why he'd call and use his name. Apples was laughing. He said it's so funny they called him. He asked if Ronnie wants to come with him. Ronnie said Apples uses his name like High Pitch Erik does.
Apples asked if Howard has seen Ronnie's Instagram. He said he just posted a picture of his car on there. He said his finger is in the picture. Ronnie said who cares, it's a car. He said he posted a picture of his car so what? Howard asked why he would give out pictures of his car. Ronnie said there's no picture of the license plate.
Howard said enough with Ronnie. He hung up on Apples who said that people are pointing out where Ronnie lives now. Howard said enough of that.
Howard said he heard that Lenny is living on a boat out in California. Lenny said he was spending a lot of money living in hotels. He said his buddy told hi to get a yacht so that's what he did. He said he's getting more pussy than he ever did in his life. Howard asked what he's talking about with numbers. Lenny said 5 different women a week.
Howard said he may have to have one of his guys come out to see him and follow him around on the yacht to see what's going on out there. He said he has to get someone out there to get this documented. Lenny said that he may have to have Memet come out. He said he heard he has a girlfriend though. Howard said he's married. He said he may have to get Blitt out there to do it. Lenny said the boat is in Marina Del Ray. Howard said he's having some trouble understanding him. He said he must have his teeth out. Lenny said he's right. He said he's going to put them in right now.
Howard said he's going to send someone out there to follow him around. Lenny told Robin to come out there. Robin said that she can understand him better now that he has his teeth in. Howard said maybe he can go down on a woman right now and that would get Robin jealous and that will get her out there. Lenny said she left but she came 3 times. He said he has different ways to give it to her. He said Robin could enjoy that the rest of her life.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dan Rather who said he wants to follow Lenny around. He said he'd be willing to smell Leonard's fingers. He had stories about being in Vietnam and what he'd be willing to do to protect himself from anything while he's covering this story.
Howard said they'll get someone out to Lenny soon. Lenny was still coming on to Robin and saying he has some blood flow going. Howard told Lenny what Robin was wearing but made it all up. He let Lenny go after that.
Howard said they've heard a lot of stories from Lenny. He said he'll end the show with a song called ''Pussy Eater'' from Lenny. He played the song and did a live commercial read before ending the show around 10:25am.
Howard said the electoral college is how Trump got into office. He said he found the most radical supreme court justices that went for tearing down this abortion thing. He said now we have a minority viewpoint running this country. He asked how much more are we going to take. He said he says that all unwanted children should be allowed to live at the supreme court building. He said those crackpots over there can raise these babies. He said this is what we're stuck with.
Howard said forget the guys, this is women who are voting for the wrong candidates. He said think about it. He said this is all based on a leak that came out about this being torn down. He said it hasn't come through yet but this whacked out supreme court is going to take gay marriage down next. He said he feels so sorry for his gay friends out there. He said all of the progress that was made will be gone. He said that half the states will ban abortion and then it will take the rest of the country and make it illegal.
Howard said we have a minority portion that wants this country to be run by the Taliban. He said when you make a stink about it then they say you're whining. Robin said they say you're ungodly. She said the painting of people that will be done will be even more divisive than it is now.
Howard said now he's off of politics. He said the country is a mess. He said he knows some of these religious nuts. He said those who are going down to kiss the ass of this guy at Mar-A-Lago are shameful.
Robin said these people are doing whatever it takes to be in power. Howard said it must be great being a congressman or senator. He said there must be some kind of party going on. He said these guy will sell out in a moment. He said it's crazy.
Howard said now he's done with that.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake senator Mitch McConnell. He was laughing about the Roe Vs. Wade thing being overturned. He asked who is forcing these women to get pregnant. He said just close your legs and it won't happen.
Howard and Mitch talked for a short time about all of that. Howard eventually let him go.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that we have to do something about this abortion thing. She said that she works at abortion clinics and she believes in this. She said how dare they try to make a baby live with people who don't want them. Howard said he remembers the days before Roe Vs. Wade. He said it was horrible. He said a lot of people deal with suicide and other horrors because of this. He said that rich women were able to get them in secret. He said it's the poor who can't get help. He said god bless planned parenthood. He said no one is going to do anything and women in this country should have voted. He said that's the only way to make this go away. The caller said that it makes her want to cry. Howard said it's the electoral college that made this happen.
Howard said these people are going to vote for this and its going to pass. He said they have 5 and it's a done deal. He said it was already settled 50 years ago and we were out of this hole. Robin said we have a country that's going backwards. Howard said we're letting the minority rule. Robin said it's ridiculous that we're turning back the clock. Howard said he didn't want to get into this but he hears this caller. He said you can't expect anything else when we're ruled by the minority.
Howard let the caller go and got back to the Met Gala thing. Robin said they don't seem to know what to do with each other there. Howard said this is a Gala run by a woman named Anna Wintour. He said she runs Vogue magazine.
Howard took a call from fake Judge Jeanine Pirro who was singing and happy about this supreme court thing. Howard spent a little time talking to her before letting her go.
Howard said it's good to hear people celebrating about that. Robin said FOX news will be doing that all day.
Howard said he has some tape from the Met Gala. He said today is a big show. He said tomorrow Sheryl Crow will be in to perform. He said she's the greatest. He said she has a new documentary about her life out. He said she'll be in to talk about that. He said the point of the documentary is to point out how talented she is. He said she'll be doing a couple of tunes.
Howard said today they have a few things to get to. He said Robin is going to play ''Guess who got caught masturbating.'' He said Robin is going to have to put on her thinking cap. Robin asked if Sal is the answer to all. Howard said not all. He said that is one answer.
Howard said the Met Gala happened at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He said they have a theme there and it was Gilded Glamour this year. He said that women dressed up like that. He said it's a fund raiser so that's a good thing. Howard said he's not a big museum goer. He said he hasn't been to this place. He said it's very exciting for people who are into fashion. He said the big news this year was that all of the Kardashians were invited. Robin said some years some of the sisters were left out. Howard said they finally all got their invites.
Howard said they started the E! channel and this year they covered all of the celebrities. Robin said the Kardashians all abandon each other if they dot' get invited to the same thing. Howard said it's not like the cast of Friends.
Howard said he has some audio of someone named Caramo interviewing people on the red carpet.
Howard asked if he can go back to sleep. He said he's exhausted. He said that his mother is making a comeback. He said yesterday she had some soup. He said she called to ask Beth to get her some food. He said she has this person to help her make the call. He said she could be heard in the background asking for open faced bagel with cream cheese and lox. Howard said he asked why she can't open it herself. He said his parents live in the greatest place and he pays for all of their food. He said that they have great food there but the have to get take out from other places. He said his mother asked for this bagel and a sour pickle. He said she had to have that and a tub of egg salad. He said his mom is like super model thin now. He said she lost her tits when she got sick. He said they got her pajamas and noticed they were gone.
Howard said Beth said to him that his mom wanted this bagel open faced and he told her to just get her a bagel and let her make it open faced herself. He said you can't ask for this from DoorDash. He said just get a bagel. He said just a week ago she was on her death bed and now she wants an open face bagel.
Howard said he told Beth not to worry about the pickle. He said they can get that at the kitchen at this place she lives in.
Howard said now his mom is eating and his dad is bat shit crazy. He said he can't even tell you what happened. He said he doesn't want to get into it. Howard said they were down to having two aides there to help but then his dad had to act up. He said they're trying to bankrupt him. He said his dad is so crazy they need a full time guy with him. Robin said his fraternal grandfather was crazy too. Howard said his dad thinks that people are in his room trying to take him away. He said that he's doing bad. He said he had a doctor visit him and he has 2 today. He said they're going to medicate him. He said they have to figure out the right dose for him. He said his dad would jump out a window if he knew he was doing this.
Howard said his grandfather was so crazy that his father wanted to throw him out a window. He said his grandfather was a cortisone addict at the end of his life and they had to go out and score cortisone. He said his dad is doing wacky shit now. He said he talks violent but he doesn't get physically violent. Robin said sometimes they can get that way.
Howard said they got his mom through her pain and she's doing better now. He said the doctors tell him that this kind of thing his father has is something you don't come back from. He said he's turning 99 in July. He said that it wasn't all of a sudden. He said when his mom went into the hospital he thought they were coming for him next. He said they had to sedate him a couple of times. He said it's taking up his entire day talking with people and trying to get the proper care. He said it's tough to treat. He said what happens to your brain is upsetting. Robin said this is what happens when your brain can't get oxygen. Howard said he can't get his dad to open a window. He said you'd think he killed someone if he opens one.
Howard said his parents live like they're cigars. He said they live in a humidor. He said his dad eats like a champ. He said he eats all the food. He said he had Nathan's sent to them the other night and they ate it down. He said they loved it. Robin asked if he sticks to his three cereals. Howard said he used to. He said he has no job but he would get up at 7 and do his thing and then get dressed and eat. He said he had his routine. He said now all bets are off. He said he was in his pajamas until 10:30. He said he didn't know what the fuck was going on. He said his mom is oblivious to everything. He said she asked if he knew that his dad was running around with his pants off. Howard said of course he did.
Howard said we have a big problem with aging in this country. He said his friend Lou has a mother who is 103. He said she's in good shape though. He said that he'd like to ask his mother why she can't be like Lou's mother. He said she's fine.
Howard said Lou's mom plays Bridge. He thought it was Mah-Jong. Robin said it seems like that's what all older people play. She wondered when that happened.
Howard said when Robin calls him over the weekend he can't talk. He said he's busy with all of this stuff. He said if someone told him this is what his life would look like at this age... He said he had no idea how wacky it would be. He said his parents were doing great. He said it was a blessing. Robin said there was no advance warning. Howard said when things were great they weren't really great. He said if he told Robin what he was paying for them to be in this place she'd fall off her chair. He said even before all of this she would complain about the food. He said he'd tell her to order from a restaurant and she'd say she didn't want to do it. Howard said he'd offer to send more money but she'd say no to that too.
Howard said last night this was all in his head. He said he was up at 2 in the morning filled with worry. He said he's not sure who else is living there but it must be Bill Gates' parents. He said he's not sure when you should die but you have to plan it just right. He said he told Beth to put a pillow over his head if he gets to be like that. Robin asked if he thinks Beth could do that. Howard said sure. He said he doesn't want to be an embarrassment. He said he has fans. Robin said he doesn't want to be that guy.
Howard said his dad has whatever is frying his brain but it's too bad you can't go out with just delusions of fairies and pixie dust. He said a doctor told him that if you lived with trauma free lives they actually have lovely delusions. He said that's not what's happening for his parents. He said he's thinking he took after his mother's side of the family so he'd be happy with keeping his marbles. Robin said that her cat is smarter than her father was when he died. She said that her mother didn't need anything. She said she could see and hear and she had her marbles at 91 when she died. Howard said he can see Robin being found wandering around nude while getting eaten out by Lenny Dykstra.
Howard said if he gets Alzheimer's he'll still have a part of him that knows he has a small dick and he won't run around naked. Howard said you don't want that. He said he's sorry to depress Ronnie over this. He said that he hates when he talks about this stuff. Fred played clips of Ronnie saying ''The erderly thing.''
Howard got Ronnie on and asked about talking about that with Stephanie. Ronnie said she doesn't want to hear it. He said she thinks he's going to live forever. He said she asks him what he's worried about. Howard said it comes on like that. He said it's all of a sudden. Ronnie said it's nuts. Robin said you don't see the marbles falling out. Howard said he had a dream about that. He said he pulled out the bottom of the bag and there were marbles in there. He said he must be worried about losing his marbles. He said that's what the dream was about. He said he has to go back to bed.
Howard said it was Stephanie's birthday yesterday. He asked how old she is. Ronnie said she's 39. Howard said Ronnie is up there. Ronnie said he's like 90.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's going through the same thing with her mother .She said she's 90. She said she was fine until she got COVID. She said she started hallucinating and it's been downhill ever since. She said her relationship wasn't good with her. She said to see her now she doesn't know she's in her own house. She said she has an aide with her 24/7. Howard said it's not cheap to do that.
Howard asked if there's long term care insurance. Howard said his father should have gotten that. He said people have to be going bankrupt from this shit. The caller said that some people do get it but it may not last long enough. Howard said her phone connection is so bad that he has to let her go. He said thanked Tracy for the call.
Howard said there are no good answers for this. Ronnie said he was lucky with his mom. He said she wasn't sick but then she got this massive stroke. He said he didn't know what happened to her. He said he found her in the apartment and she was alive but not alive. He said she was breathing but not really alive. He said they took her to the hospital and he had to make the decision to leave her on the machine or not. He said she could last maybe 40 minutes without the machine. He said that's what happened to her. Howard said not everyone is that lucky. He said it's slow.
Ronnie said he wants to know how she felt when it happened. He said she was watching TV when he found her. He said she was sitting on the couch. Howard said his dad always has the TV on and he may have died a few weeks ago for all he knows.
Ronnie said he could hear her from downstairs breathing. He said it was so loud. He said she was alive but not really. He said the ambulance came and they said it didn't look good. He said they kept her alive for 5 days or so. Howard said he told Ronnie he did the right thing. He said that you don't want to keep someone on that machine for too long. He said they had that discussion with him about his mom. He said she didn't want any of that stuff to keep her alive. He said she wanted to go. He said it's all a mess.
Howard told Ronnie to hang in there and go live his life. He said take off your headphones if you're not okay. Ronnie said it's fine.
Howard read about long term care insurance and what it covers. Robin said that people ask her who is going to take care of her when she gets old. Robin said she wouldn't want to put anyone through this. Howard said he'll end up taking care of Robin too. Robin said she doesn't want to leave him with that either. She said she'll do the right thing. Howard said he's trying to have his own life. Robin said Howard will take care of all of them. She said her and Fred will be under his care. Howard said he's going to throw her in with his parents and she can have open faced bagel and lox.
Howard said that's why he was up at 2 in the morning. Robin said its interesting he had a dream about marbles.
Howard got back to the Met Gala and said that this country is going back to the Eisenhower years. He said these women get dressed up for this event and it's like the Super Bowl for them. He said this guy Caramo loved the look. He said he was so excited. Howard played a montage of him going wild over the outfits.
Howard said Caramo came 8 times during that coverage. He said things got weird and some dude showed up in an outfit that was crazy. He said he looked like the Eiffel tower. He had the guys show it to Robin. Robin said it looks like he's a porcupine. Howard said the guy was a sexy porcupine. He played some audio of the red carpet people talking about that.
Howard said he looked like a metal lobster. He said they announced it was Jared Leto but it wasn't. He said it was some other dude so they had to make a correction. They didn't say who it was though. He said they knew but they didn't give the name.
Howard said it was some dude you've never heard of. He said they're supposed to know celebrities over there at E! but they seem to have forgotten that.
Howard said Lala Anthony was on the red carpet. He said she was interviewing Elon Musk. He said she asked what he's going to do with Twitter. Howard said she got the big interview there. Howard played that clip where Elon said his goal with Twitter would be to make it as inclusive as possible and he hopes it makes people's lives better.
Howard said it sounds like it'll be safe for Ronnie to keep doing what he does on Twitter. He said that way they can see more fake pictures of him getting fucked in the ass.
Howard said Pat told him that his belly hasn't figured things out yet. He said he has to get that back. He said that he used to run 6 miles a day and he had pecks and abs. Robin said he had bis and tris too. Howard said he was kind of hot in his own way. He said then he got single and a lot of women got to see him naked. He said only aroused though. He said never flaccid. He said he went to Mexico once and he was there with Jimmy and Molly and others and the Paparazzi got a hold of him and said he had a six pack. He said he has that framed in his office. He said he's not kidding about that either. He said he had a six pack but look at that face. He said some chicks were kind of into him.
Robin said Amber Heard said she was into him. She was joking but Howard said she could drop a grumpy in his bed and he'd be fine. He said he'd love for someone to be so into him that she would do that because she's so angry.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Johnny Depp. Howard said we're all watching you on TV and he's going to let him say what he wants to about this court case. Fake Johnny told Howard about the origin of ''dropping a grumpy'' in bed. Howard said he's never heard of that term. Fake Johnny had other terms he could have used instead of that. He rattled them off to Howard.
Fake Johnny talked about the dog feces and how he knew it wasn't dogs that left that in the bed. He told Howard how he knew and dragged the whole thing out like Johnny does in court.
Howard had Johnny read some of his tweets about Amber. Howard said these are real text messages and this isn't an audition. Johnny was reading them as if they were lines in a movie.
Howard said he really has to go. He let Johnny go but he had another knock at the door. He said he's not answering that knock.
Howard got back to the Met Gala and had more audio of Lala getting an interview with Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian. Howard played that clip where Kim talked about her outfit came to be. She said it was Marilyn Monroe's dress and she had to lose 16 pounds to fit into it. She said she was determined to fit it.
Robin said Howard says she doesn't work but she lost 16 pounds to fit into that dress. Howard said that was the dress that Marilyn Monroe sang ''Happy Birthday Mr. President'' in. He said it's wild the let her wear that. He said they say it still smells like JFK's load. He said they won't remove that load from the dress.
Howard answered a knock at the door from fake Pete Davidson. Howard spent a little time talking to fake Pete about the women he's been fucking. He talked to Pete about Ariana Grande, Kate Beckinsale, Kaia Gerber and others. Fake Pete didn't have a lot to say. He kept his answers short like real Pete.
Howard asked fake Pete who was the best out of those women. Pete said that each one is dope for different reasons. Pete wasn't able to remember Larry David's daughter's name. He just called her ''Larry David's daughter'' whenever he talked about her. He said Kate Beckinsale gives he best head. Howard let Pete go after a few minutes of that.
Howard did a live commercial read and said he thought he was talking to JD about something. JD said they were talking about losing weight and working out. He said he's not working out. Howard said he's getting back into working out. He said JD has to eat better. He said he eats white bread and deli meats for lunch. He said he's got to change that up. Howard did another live commercial read and mentioned the Ramone's ''I wanna Be Sedated'' but he had the lyrics wrong. Robin knew the right lyrics and corrected him but he insisted it was ''24 hours a day I wanna be sedated.'' Robin was right and they played the song for him so he could hear the right lyrics. He finished up the live read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said he loves that riff in Back in Black. He said it's really good. He said you think you could have written that but you couldn't. He played the song again and gave a history of how the song was written.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Bill Shatner who wanted to sing ''Back in Black.'' Howard let him do that. He talked the song out like Shatner is known for doing.
Howard said he was thinking about Shatner yesterday and how he does such a great talking of songs. Bill said he sings. He said he resents what he said. He said this is real singing. He said he's doing everything he's been taught. He sang him another song. Howard apologized to him for that. He said he interprets it in a way like no one else out there.
Howard asked Bill if he still says ''sabotage'' in his own unique way. Bill said that's the right way to pronounce it. He went back and forth with Howard on that.
Howard said he really has to go and play the who got caught masturbating game. Howard let Bill go after that.
Howard took a call from a woman, Lisa, who said she called last week and she thinks that Sal has dyslexia and she thinks Bobo has a disorder where he has issues processing things he hears. She said she wanted to thank Howard for having her on last week because her book sales went up. She said that she sounded like a lunatic on the show. Howard said she claimed to be a 9 but she lied about that. He said she's really a 6. Lisa said that she posted a picture of herself on some Facebook boards and she thinks she looks good for her age. Howard said he saw her and she's up there in weight. He said she could take off a few. Lisa said that she is curvy. Howard said he really has to go. He said he hopes things work out for her. He said he knows Bobo has a low IQ. Lisa said she thinks he has a learning disability. Howard said she's a 6 with a personality of a -3. Robin said she likes Lisa. Howard said she's very judgmental.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was watching that show Euphoria and he noticed that HBO shows a lot of flaccid penis on their shows. He said it's like Game of Thrones. Howard said there are a lot of naked dudes but whatever. He said he's not sure they're even all real. He said they might be fake. He said he doesn't believe that many men have big penises.
Howard said he's not sure why they don't allow erect penises on the shows. Robin said actresses may not want to be around that. Howard said he had an erect penis in a few scenes of his own movie. He said he couldn't help it.
Gary said there is a to of dicks on HBO. He said they have a Lakers documentary where they show a lot.
Howard said he's a fan of Hunter Schafer's. He said she's on Euphoria. Howard said she used to be a dude. Robin said she always felt like a woman. Howard said she was born a man. Robin said she's trying to help. Howard said he loves Zendaya. He said she was born a girl. He said she plays a girl in the show. He said he follows Hunter on Instagram. He said whenever he posts a picture he stares at it. He said he believes that she no longer has a penis but his wife thinks he's wrong. He said on the first season of the show she's in bed with Zendaya and you see the outline of her penis. He said that's a fake penis and he thinks she had it removed. He said he thinks she had a fake one for the character.
Robin asked if you've ever heard of the internet. Howard said they look at her like they're analyzing the Zapruder film.
JD said that he found on the internet that Hunter went through sex change surgery at 18. Howard said he has to call his wife right now. He said he has to tell her that. He said this argument has been going on for years. He said he knew it.
Howard called Beth and told her that Hunter Schafer has no cock. He told her how JD looked it up and found out. Howard told JD to read it to her. JD did that and Beth was surprised to hear that. Beth said mystery solved then. Howard said the debate is over. Beth asked why he's calling her about that. Howard said he was so excited about that. He said he told her there was no way she had a cock. Beth said Howard is really into Hunter. She said that she never says the word cock. She said she refers to it as a ''peen.'' She said she is shocked by this news. Howard said he's excited about it.
Howard said he's gloating. Beth said Howard was right again. Howard said he knew it. Howard wondered what it looks like down there. He said he'd like to see her in the nude. Beth said he should have her on the show. Howard said he'd have her on the show.
Howard let Beth go and said hell be up soon. He said he's going to play this game and get up there. He said today is going to be the day. Beth asked for what. Howard said he still has his penis. He let her go.
Howard said he would have Hunter on the show anytime. Robin said you want to see if you can see the boy in her. Howard said he likes that. He said he has no desire to be with her. Robin said if he's not married would he do it. Howard said he has enough on his plate. He doesn't want to talk about it.
Howard asked if a trans actor without a penis should be allowed to play a trans character with a penis. He said people get upset about this kind of thing.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she wants to be called Bobo Free Mariann now. She said that Bobo knew that she was helping him and she dumped him because of the questions he was taking from other fans. Bobo said they have over 20 years together. Mariann said he always makes mistakes.
Howard said Mariann is so done with him that she blocked his number and blocked him on social media. Howard asked if he's tried to call her. Bobo said they talked. Mariann said they talked last week. She said that was the last time.
Bobo said he has had disagreements with friends but they move on. He said he thinks they can move past this. Howard said Mariann thinks this is unforgivable. Mariann said that you can't trust Bobo so she can't be friends with him. She said she still gets texts from fans who say they gave him questions that he took. Howard said Mariann helped a lot and he didn't tell her they weren't his questions.
Howard said Bobo should play the low IQ card and tell Mariann that he's almost a moron and he's completely out of it. He said he has an IQ of what, 80? Bobo said it's 87. He said he's not a total moron. Howard said he should own up to being a total moron. Howard said he should just say that he doesn't understand things. He said he can get out of this by doing that. He said he has to tell her to forgive him for that.
Mariann said he knows how to use the show. She said he's guilty of that. Bobo said he's the longest reigning phone caller after all these years. Mariann asked if they're hearing this. Howard said Bobo is never going to win her back like this. He said he has to chew on his shoe when he calls her. He said shit yourself maybe. Bobo said he only did that once in his life. He said it was after surgery.
Mariann said he should be punished after this. Bobo said no way. He said he has done a lot of things on the show where he got punished. He said the walk of shame caused his family pain.
Mariann said that Bobo has said things on the show that they didn't make him say. Howard said she's right and he did that all to himself. Mariann and Bobo went back and forth arguing for a short time.
Howard said everyone is upset. He said Bobo sent a voicemail crying over this Mariann thing. Mariann said that's all bullshit. She said he's an actor. She said that she never forgets anything.
Howard played the clip of Bobo calling in and leaving a voicemail about Mariann. He said he fucked up and didn't tell Mariann about this whole thing and he lost a friend for that. He shed some tears in that call. Robin and Mariann said they don't believe that.
Mariann said that it must aggravate Howard that Bobo did this. Howard said they all know the story. He said they already talked about that. Howard said this was Bobo's second take on that call. He let Bobo Puppet say a few words. Fred had the puppet crying over their arguments.
Howard said he has to go. He said this controversy continues. Mariann said she's never forgiving Bobo for this. Bobo said he's extending the olive branch to her. Mariann said he can shove that up his ass. She said he's a phony and they should play stuff on Sternthology showing what a phony he really is.
Howard asked Bobo if he has anything to add. Bobo said he had a topic for him. He asked if he saw the former beauty queen who joined the Ukrainian military. Howard said he did see that. He said everyone over there is brave. He said he applauds them. He said they're a lot braver than he is. Robin asked what he would do if war broke out here. Howard said he's prepared to leave this country any second.
Howard played a clip of Bobo on a treadmill faking a fall. He said he's some actor. He said he missed that Periscope show. He asked if he can bring that back. Robin said Periscope is gone. Howard said he could do it on YouTube or something. Bobo said sure. Howard played more of the clip of Bobo's call.
Howard asked how many people he had following him there on Periscope. Bobo said he had about 25,000. He said it was quite a bit. Fred did more of his Bobo Puppet thing and faked getting hurt. Howard let Bobo go after that.
Howard said he's going to give Robin multiple choice. He said they have Will Murray, Richard Christy, Sal Governale, Chris Wilding, Jason Kaplan and Ronnie Mund playing the game. Robin asked if all of them have been caught. Howard said yes. He said she has to hear the story and figure out which one the story belongs to. Howard said they have all the guys on the screen.
Robin said she can't believe that Baba Booey has never been caught. Howard said he's sure he has. Gary said if he had a story he would tell it. He said he's not just trying to stay out of this.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who wanted to play the game with Robin. Howard said sure he can. He said it's Eric vs. Robin. Howard said it's so funny that years ago Erik wanted to play chess against him had he went with it. He said that Erik is dull and he would be humiliated if he lost to him. He said that you don't want to lose to him in any game.
Howard said it's time for Who Got Caught Masturbating. He played a theme song for the game. Howard said it's international masturbation day on May 7th. Robin said she didn't know that was a thing. Erik said he didn't either.
Howard said the first person was caught jerking off with his friend in the same room as teenagers. He said that they used to watch their neighbors have sex and they'd get worked up and jerk off in separate beds. He said one day the friend's other brother walked in on them fully aroused. Howard said they were jerking off together and the had to explain. Howard asked who it was. Robin said that's everyone. Howard said this person was 15 at the time. He said he had hair and a masculine boner. Erik said he would say that it was Ronnie. He said he was older and he must have had pubic hair. Robin said she's saying it was Richard. Howard said it was actually Ronnie. Erik got his first one right.
Howard asked Ronnie about what happened. Ronnie said they were in a garden apartment and the neighbors had an open window and they would have sex in their apartment. He said they were in the same building and he was in his friend's bedroom. He said they would see the light come on and they would watch these people. He said they'd be fucking the shit out of each other and never close the blinds. Howard asked if he woman was hot. Ronnie said she was and they knew her. Howard asked if she was an exhibitionist. Ronnie said he would think so. He said they both might have been. He said they would jerk off to this in the same room. He said they would find the Playboys that his friend's brother had. He said one day he came home from work and they were both laying there jerking off. Chris said that's the plot to every movie he watches.
Howard asked if they thought that the brother would think they were gay. Ronnie said they weren't thinking about that. He said it was just embarrassing. Howard asked where they dropped their loads. Ronnie said they were well prepared. He said they had tissues.
Howard asked if they ever thought about jerking each other off. Ronnie said not at all. He said the brother got mad at them for finding his magazines.
Howard said everyone loves this game. He said this is fun. He said the next person's story is about his own kid finding him jerking off. Robin said ''no, no, no, no, no...'' Howard said Robin is getting caught up in this. He said this person was caught jerkin off while on vacation last summer. He said the kid and his cousin were bursting into the rooms in the house. He said they burst into the room while this person was rubbing one out. He said he thinks he covered up good enough but he's not sure. Howard asked who it was. Robin said she doesn't know of Chris having any children. Chris said he has a family and a wife. Robin said Jason doesn't have children so that leaves Sal, Richard and Will. Robin said she would say it would be most surprising if it was Will. She said she's going with Will. Erik went with Sal. He said Sal's kids are older. Howard said he could be right. He said the right answer is Will.
Howard said Robin is on the scoreboard. Howard said congratulations to Will who won a lifetime of therapy for his son. Will said the kids were being maniacs and he yelled at the kids to get out of there and covered up the best he could. He said he was on vacation and there were no locks on the doors at this place. He said he was laying in a bed and tried to put up his legs to block it. He was fully nude and he tried to cover up as good as he could. He said they were both a little sheepish after that.
Chris said he likes Will a lot and he's enjoying this story. Howard asked if he was fully erect. Will said he was. He said he had his phone going and he was holding it and using the other hand for doing it. Howard asked Will how he does it. Will said he uses a tissue wrapped around his peen. He said the clean up is too much. Chris said he was hoping he'd say he blows it on his stomach or something. He said it's very clinical to wrap it up.
Howard asked Will how it works with the tissue on there. Will said he finishes in the tissue. He said it works for him. Howard said he's never heard of that. Will said it's a good way not to get it everywhere. Howard said he's picturing his penis looking like a Ku Klux Klansman. Will said it's something like that.
Richard asked if he finished himself off after that. Will said he's trying to remember. He said he's not sure if his son caught him or not. He said he told his wife about it. Howard asked if his wife was upset about it. Will said she may have been on her period or something.
Richard said he had a friend who jerked off with headphones on and his mom walked in and gave him a cup of tea while he had his eyes closed. He said he only knew she came in because the tea was in there.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake George Takei who talked about how titillating this is. Howard quickly closed the door on him.
Jason said Will is into the VR porn thing. Will said he tried it once. He said it's the future of porn. He said it's really wild. He said it's like having a woman on your lap. Chris said you could do that or just have sex. Will said you could do that too.
Howard said he has more questions but they have to get to the rest of the game. He said that Erik and Robin are tied at 1 and 1. Howard got to the next story which was about a guy who was caught jerking off in a giant toy box. Howard said the person was caught by his mother in junior high in this giant toy box. Howard said this staffer heard the bedroom door open and his mom yelled ''where are you?'' He said he opened the toy box lid after putting his underwear on. He said his mom asked what the hell he was doing in there, drugs? He answered her ''Yes'' because he didn't want her to know he was beating off. Howard asked if it was Jason, Richard, Sal or Chris. Erik said he's going with Richard or Sal because they love toys. He said he's going to go with Richard. Robin said that she's not sure about Chris' family background. She said she doesn't think he had a toy box in junior high. She said she's going with Jason. Howard said the staffer who was caught in the toy box was actually Erik. He said he was right that it was Richard. He said the dull logic wins again.
Howard asked Richard to tell them more about this story. Richard said he did have a giant toy box and he was into a lot of toys even in junior high. He said he had a neighbor who was into the Rambo movies and he and his friend would peek into his bedroom window so he was terrified that he was going to see him jerking off so he would get into the box and jerk off in there. He said he would take his clothes off and beat off in darkness. He said no one could see him. He said his mom needed something one day and she walked in. He said he had his underwear in there with him so he put them on. He said he slowly opened the box and came out. He said she asked him if he was doing drugs in here. He said yes to get out of the jerking off thing. Howard said what a story. He asked Ronnie what he makes of that. Ronnie said that's insane. He said he can't stop laughing. He asked where he came. Richard said he didn't that time. Richard said he would cum on the floor of the toy box. He said he'd just throw his toys back in there.
Howard said imagine you're such an animal that your mom is praying that you were doing drugs.
Howard said Erik is doing well with this game. He said the lower your IQ the higher your score is.
Howard said it's going to be tough for Robin to win if this keeps up. He said Robin has to put on her thinking cap. Erik said she has to really concentrate. He said she doesn't seem to know anything about these staff members. Howard said Erik put on his creep cap and it's working.
Howard said if Robin wants to win she has to think. Robin said she doesn't have a creep cap.
Howard moved on to the next story and said this could be Jason, Sal or Chris. He said this staffer was caught ejaculating with his mom in the room. Robin asked why. She said this is too much. Howard said this person shared a computer in his room and his mom walked in just as he was cumming. He said his mom was using the computer a foot away. He said after that the person put a lock on his door. Howard said this could be Jason, Sal or Chris. Robin said she's going to say it was Sal. Erik said he's going to say it must not be Sal because he's more freakier than that. He said he's thinking it's Jason. Howard said the correct answer is Chris Wilding. Howard said Sal would never be under a blanket masturbating. Sal said he would jerk off on a bus. Howard said he dead giveaway was being under the blanket. Robin asked if she's supposed to know that. The guys all said yes.
Howard said the game comes down to two people now. He said it's Jason and Sal. He said Robin is up against a slow adult and she could lose. Robin said she doesn't believe that Erik is a slow adult and he's just a great actor.
Howard told the story about this staffer who wasn't technically caught jerking off. He said this pervert jizzed into his own soda when he was nearly caught jerking off. He said he was jerking off at his desk when his wife came home early. He said became on the desk and cleaned up quickly. He said he took a sip of his soda and noticed it tasted weird and saw that some of his jizz was in it. He said he drank his own jizz. He said this is down to Jason or Sal. Howard asked Erik what he thinks. Erik said he doesn't think that Sal drinks soda. He said he thinks he has to go with Jason on this one. Howard said that's an interesting thought process. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she's going to say it could be Sal because he's been caught before. She said that Jason has been surprising her too with how pervy he is. She said she has been shocked by how pervy he is. Robin said she's not piggy backing on Erik but she's going with Jason too. Howard said the correct answer is Sal.
Howard said that Robin and Erik were both wrong. He said congratulations on another horrible story from Sal. Howard asked how it tasted. Sal said it tasted salty. He said that was the surprising thing. Sal said he got a large soda from Blimpie's and he took the lid off because the straw was broken. He said the jizz got in the drink and he had a little bit of it stuck on his tongue. He said he had to spit it out.
Howard asked Sal if he finished the soda. Sal said he threw it out. He said it was gross.
Howard said Erik wins and it's a sad day. Robin said she's not upset about losing this one. She said she thinks about the guys being above all of this but they're not. Howard said Erik wins and he can brag about it. Erik said maybe Robin can win another game some day. He said she should know her staffers. Robin said she doesn't want to know about their masturbation.
Howard said Erik is a winner today. He said that's the first time he's said that.
Howard took a call from a woman, Stacy, who said that she knew that Richard masturbated in a toy box. Richard said he may have told that story years ago. Stacy said he did. She said she knew the story from back then.
Howard said sadly Erik interacts with these people more than they do so it stands to reason that he won. Robin said it would be nice to finally get to know these guys. Howard said Erik missed 3 out of 5 and Robin missed 4 out of 5.
Howard said Jason fell asleep completely naked and his wife caught him with his iPad still playing porn. Jason said he was naked and he had porn playing on his iPad and he was still at his heaviest at the time. He said he was 305 pounds. Chris said she probably thought he was dead. He said he doesn't wrap his penis like Will does so he just finishes and cleans up. He said he didn't have time to clean up before she found him this time though.
Howard asked Jason if his wife was shocked by this. Jason said she was really disgusted by it. He said he thought he was getting away with something but he didn't know she saw it. He said that she brought it up right away when he left the bedroom. He said he had lesbian porn playing when he fell asleep.
Howard asked if he was upset that his wife embarrassed him for bringing it up. Jason said he appreciates the honesty. He said that she was out that night and this is how he put himself to bed. He said that's what she came home to. Howard asked if he noticed the hair on his chest was crusty. Jason said she didn't. He said she just said he had to clean the sheets.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who wanted to hand out awards based on the stories. Ralph said this is a wonderful game. He said that Will's story was the weirdest. He said that he should have been having sex with his wife on vacation. He said the tissue thing is weird too. He said it's weird.
Howard said the gayest story was Ronnie's. Chris said he didn't have Netflix to jerk off to back then so he had to jerk off to his neighbors. Ralph asked Ronnie if his friend had a big cock. Ronnie said it was alright. Chris said everyone there grew up in a gay paradise but him.
Howard had Ralph get back to his awards. Ralph said the creepiest story was Chris cumming with his mom there in the room. Chris said he was past the point of no return. He said it was coming out as the door opened. He said he just said hi to his mom and he was done.
Howard said he thought the most heart warming story was the mom who left the tea for her son while he was masturbating.
Ralph said the most disgusting story was Sal's. Howard said that's not surprising that Sal would have the most disgusting. Will said Sal was caught dressing up like a woman and his wife caught him on camera. Sal said he told his wife that he was just trying to see how far these women were willing to go. He said he went into a lesbian chat and the women would usually shut him right off. He said he tried dressing up like a woman to see if he could keep the women on camera. He said he had a wig in his car because he used to dress up like Ace Frehley from KISS.
Howard asked if Sal has ever gotten away with jerking off. He said he gets caught a lot. Sal said he thought he locked the door at work. Howard said it was but the guy had a key. Sal said that was the worst thing in his life. Howard said there's been worse.
Howard said it's never dull when Sal is doing something. He said that he said the worst day of his life was this story but he got cum on his ear at a porn booth. Sal went into that story and told him what happened there. He said that he had to wait for the mop guy to mop up the room before he went in. He said he went in after the clean up and he picked up the phone to talk to this girl and the phone was warm and wet. He said there was a monster load on it. He said he guy finished on the phone. Howard said what a dick move that is.
Sal said he went to a thing called a buddy booth once. He said he was in this booth and he was shuffling through the porn and the window opens next to him. He said the guy was jerking off next to him. He said there's a guy next to him doing the same thing looking at him. Ralph asked if he just let the guy finish. Sal said he tucked in and got out of there.
Howard asked if he ever gets mad at his penis. He said it's just one calamity after another. Sal said there was a guy that got caught jerking off by his wife and he cut his cock off after that. He said he does think about that.
Sal said once he got a lap dance from a dude who he thought was a woman. He said that was the worst day of his life. He said that was at a bachelor party. He said he got dance from her and she looks up at he screen and this guy is blowing two guys on the video screen. He said it didn't make sense to him. He said he's looking and it's starting to make sense to him. He said he leaned in and asked if she was a man. He said the woman turns around and says ''Mother fucker do I look like a man to you?'' He said he asked her to turn around and bend over. He said he went to get his money back and the guy wouldn't give it back to him because he said ''no shit'' when he told him that was a man.
Howard said what a horrible bachelor party. Sal said it was his brother in law's bachelor party. He said they went to Show World. He said they had three different rooms there and he went into this other room than the other guys. He said it was a mistake going in there.
Howard took a call from fake Sal's Wife who was going off on him for embarrassing her. Then he took a call from the woman Sal got the dance from at the club. It was just a dude talking in his regular voice and remembering that evening.
Ralph said he always wondered who went into those booths. He said now they know it's Sal. Richard said Sal has a story about all of those old buildings in the city. He said he should be a tour guide.
Howard said Sal had an app for rub and tug places. Sal said it would show you every spa where you could get jerked off. Howard asked how far he got with the app. Sal said it ran for about a year. He said then the guy who designed it decided to back out. He said it was rated by fists. He said if it was one fist it wasn't good.
High Pitch Erik said that he has as story about Billy Mira's bachelor party. Howard had to cut him off saying that he doesn't know to leave names out of it. Howard said he remembers Billy but he doesn't want Erik telling stories about him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a black guy with a small penis. He said he can relate to Howard. Howard asked how big he is. The caller, Shame, said he should be 6 inches but his dick shrunk. Howard asked how big he is now. Shame said he's like 5 and a half. He said he's older now so he knows that stuff happens He asked if Howard has shrunk too. Howard said he doesn't measure anymore. Robin said 5.5 is average. Shame said not for a black man. Howard asked if Shame is his real name. Shame said he's ashamed so he calls himself that. Howard said he feels his shame. He said he knows what he means. He asked Shame if he ever played sports where he had to shower with other guys. Shame said he played them all and he would run in and shower and get out. He said he was a cool guy to them so they didn't goof on him. He said he has small balls too.
Howard asked Shame if he can see his penis when he's flaccid. Shame said he dangles but it's not that much when he gets hard. Howard said he must chub up and then shower. Shame said that didn't help. Shame said he has no girth ether. He said women like girth. Howard said he got the double whammy. He said he got not girth and no length.
Howard asked if he warns the women ahead of time. Shame said he has had women laugh at him. He said he has so many humiliating stories. Shame said he went to a woman doctor at a clinic and she was fine. He said she was a fine ass young black chick in there. He said he cold feel his dick getting smaller in his pants. He said he told her what his problem was and he pulled his shit down and she started chuckling. Howard said that's unprofessional.
Fake George Takei knocked on the door and told Howard to get this guy off the show with this small dick talk. He said if he wanted that he would talk to Bill Shatner.
Howard let Shame go and thanked him for sharing. Fred played the Game of Thrones ''Shame'' clip a few times. Shame said he has a game to play. He asked Howard if he would rather be very ugly with a big penis or very good looking with a small penis. Howard said that's a good question. Howard asked Ronnie what he would rather be. Ronnie said he'd be a Brad Pitt with a small dick. Howard asked if anyone disagrees. Chris said you have to get people in there. Howard said he's wrong. He said if you're ugly with a small penis that motivates you to make a lot of money. He said look at Jeff Bezos. He said get to work. Ralph said you take the big cock because it gives you confidence. Jason said he's not sure about that, just look at Medicated Pete.
Howard said maybe he's in with the guys on this. He asked Shame what he would rather have. Shame said he'd rather be himself. He said you can't get chicks if you're ugly. Howard said he has to go anyway. Shame said he has one more. He asked if he would rather die at 30 with a big dick or live to 80 with a small dick. Howard said 80 and a small dick. He said if he said 75 and a big dick then he'd take that.
Howard told Shame not to get hung up on the penis thing. Robin asked how old he is. Shame said he's 51. He said he was thinking about getting a procedure done on his cock. Ronnie said he has seen ads for it. He doesn't know anything about it though. Howard said don't do it. He said 5 inches in the hand is worth 8 in the bush. He said if it works just go with what you have. The guys told him to just date a little person. Howard said little people pussy is the same as regular sized pussy as far as he knows. He said he's learned a lot on the show over the years.
Howard asked Shame if women complain at all. Shame said that the do complain. He said he has had a few who complained.
Howard said Sal and Richard went to a penis lengthening seminar once and he told them not to do it. Richard said hey weren't there to get the surgery. He said they were there to cover it. Richard said the people who showed up were just looking at the floor. He said they didn't want to be seen. Richard said they saw the seminar and they showed how they do the surgery and it looked painful.
Shame said that he feels handicapped. Chris told him to stop it. Howard said he's with him. He said he feels his pain. He said he would love a big cock. He said he'd love to go to a female doctor and have her check him for hernia. Sal asked who would do that. Howard said he dreams about having a big cock.
Howard told Shame to call in tomorrow to introduce him to Sheryl Crow. He asked why Shame isn't married. Shame said he was married twice. He said he gets a lot of chicks. He said they leave and then the crack on him for having a little dick. Howard said don't kill yourself. He said we're going to be okay.
Howard said he has to go. He said he can't stay on the phone all day. He said Shame is going to be alright. Shame kept bringing things up like being pee shy. Howard kept trying to end the call but Shame kept bringing stuff up. Howard said he feels his pain.
Howard said he has to let him out of here and go on with his life. He said he had to hang up on the guy because he had diarrhea of the mouth. Howard thanked the guys for playing the game today. He wrapped up and ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started the show talking about how he loves Rob Zombie and the opening theme song he wrote. He said he's on it singing and adding to the fun. He said people can't believe he's on it. He said he can't either. He said Rob swears he's on it but it's hard to believe. Robin said she does wonder where Howard is on the song. Howard said he does too.
Howard said he and Beth had a cat that was 19 years old a few years ago. He said his name was Mister. He said Rob and Sheri adopted him from them. He said they were thrilled about that. He said they have a great set up at home. He said they renamed the cat Mr. Zombie. He said the wrote them last night and let them know that Mr. Zombie died in their arms. He said they took Mr. Zombie about a year ago.
Howard read the note he got about Mr. Zombie and it has been about a year. He said that he fit into their family really well. He said it just sucks. He said he was thinking of Rob and Sheri because they were the best.
Howard said he and Beth were sad going to bed last night after hearing the news. He said at least he had a good life at the end. He said that was the sad news he got.
Howard said he did say to Rob that he wishes the cat could return as an actual zombie so he could live on. He said Beth wrote them last night and said they're so glad he got to be a Zombie. He said she didn't mean it funny but he thought it was. He said he should have changed his name early on to something like Zombie. He said Rob changed his name to Zombie and he loves horror and horror movies. He said he's really into that stuff.
Howard said Sheri and Rob are great. He said he has spent some time with them at his house. He said they are two of the greatest human beings alive. He said they sit and talk and Rob is one of the most down to earth people. He said he doesn't like nonsense. He said Rob says what's on his mind and there's no nonsense with him. He said that's the tricky part with him. He said he looks like he's full of nonsense but he's not. He said he's very sensible. He said you'd think he's in the forest running around. He said he's not.
Howard said Rob is one of the most well adjusted people he's met. He said he's a great guest in his home too. He said you'd think he'd misbehave but that's not Rob.
Robin said you look at Rob and Ralph and think Rob would be the problem staying over. She said Ralph is the one who turns out to be the problem. Howard said he had some people over and they had a vote about if they should have Ralph over or not that night he misbehaved. He said that Rob wanted to beat the shit out of Ralph. He said he went to talk to Ralph and calmed things down. He said Ralph has never been over since.
Howard said he has said that Ralph is the type of friend to best be enjoyed from afar. Howard said Rob is into horror and not much scares him. He said Ralph scared him.
Howard said he feels proud that he was never caught jerking off. He said he's very careful about that. Howard read more comments about the masturbation stories and someone brought up Will whose son may be scarred for life after catching him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was caught masturbating by her son. Howard said that sounds like a porn he watched.
Howard asked the caller, Megan, if she's hot. She said ''Umm... sure.'' Howard said that's the right answer. Megan said her husband was a truck driver so she had her time alone quite often. She said they got back from a cruise so she didn't have a lot of time alone on the cruise. She said her son was at football practice so she laid on her bed and she was going to town. She said her son walked in and said ''Oh, you're having a good time.'' and walked out of the room. She said she just about died. She said her son is 17.
Howard said if he had caught his mother masturbating he's not sure what he would have said or done. He said he's not sure she ever did it. He did his impression of what that might sound like. He had her saying there's nothing wrong with what she's doing and how her body is what a real woman's body looks like.
Howard asked if her son is traumatized. She said she hasn't talked to him about it. She said he stayed at a friend's house that night. She said they do kind of joke about it now. Howard said it's very healthy that she didn't make a big deal out of it. He said his mom would have made a huge deal out of it. He said the fact that they can talk about it makes it sound like he's a healthy thing. He said god only knows what would have happed with his mother. He did more of his impression of her talking about losing her vibrator in her bush and things like that.
Howard asked Megan if she told her husband about it. She said she did and he busted up laughing. She said that she locks the door now. Howard said she sounds lovely and she sounds hot but he's not sure that's the case. He said that she sounds like someone he'd like to be with. He asked why she masturbates. He asked if her husband doesn't give it to her enough. Megan said her husband was an over the road truck driver so he wasn't home a lot. Howard said he gets it now. He said she had to take care of her own business. She said she can take care of her own business better than he can sometimes.
Howard said he had a friend who was a woman and she was single for a long time. He said she had stopped dating. He said she went to an expert and she was asked why she wasn't dating. He said she got a vibrator and she might be in love with that. He said she was totally satisfied. He said the doctor told her to stop with that and stop masturbating. He said it was a crutch for her. He said she took the advice and she eventually got married. He said that's why he asked about the masturbation thing.
Howard asked if Megan avoids sex with her husband. She said not at all. She said she can do both.
Howard took a call from another woman who said she got caught masturbating. Stacy said her kids found her vibrator that her husband left out. She said that they were like 4 or 5. She said her husband told them it was her flashlight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got caught too. He said when he had his E! show he was watching some lesbians on the show. He said he was laying on the couch waiting for the west coast feed to come on and his wife found him sleeping with his masturbation stuff out. He said he was ready to go but she found him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Harry Styles is blowing up and she's not sure why they're not talking about him. Howard said Harry will be returning to the show soon. He said they have a few musical guests coming in soon. He said Harry will be in 2 weeks from today. He said there you have it.
Howard said he has some other notes about the show. He said next Wednesday they have Billy Corgan and Perry Farrell coming in next week. He said today the have Sheryl Crow coming on. He said they will talk to her about her documentary and she'll be performing. He said he just loves her. Howard said they have Def Leppard performing a small stages special on May 27th. He said that will be on Howard 101. He said that he saw them in a small venue years ago and it was a kick ass show. He said they're going to have a Def Leppard radio channel too. He said he saw them with a couple thousand seats but they're going to be playing The Whisky and that will be even more intimate. He said that will air on Howard 101.
Howard said Gary is very happy that his Mets are on a winning streak. He said he meant to mention that the other day when they had Lenny Dykstra on. Gary said the Mets and Yankees are both doing great.
Gary talked about the Mets and why they're doing so good right now. Howard said they need the Mets to do well. He said New York is the number one city in the world and they have to have winning teams there. He said they should throw tons of money at the situation and that's what they're doing.
Gary also talked about the Def Leppard show and how it's a little under 500 people. He said they're going out on tour too so that should be great. Howard said that's a great show to see in a venue that small. He said that's about as good as it gets.
Howard said Gary went on a cruise where they had only 92 fans and they got to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Gary said they weren't on a cruise but they were at the magnetic North Pole. Howard asked how close that is to Alaska. Gar said it's pretty far. Howard said he has to look at a map some day. He said it would be thrilling to see. He said he could be an explorer. He said he had no idea that it wasn't in Alaska. Gary said they took a helicopter to fly to the north pole. He said the show up there was on an army base and it was like 100 people. He said it was tiny. He said he thinks 60 of them were locals. Howard asked if the did their full show. Gary said they did. He said he read in Anthony's book that he hated that show. Howard said they're major performers and the must have been paid a fortune to perform.
Howard asked Gary if his fillings flew out being so close to the magnetic north pole. Howard said he thought Alaska was the north pole. He asked Gary why he keeps saying magnetic. Gary said that's what they were told the whole time. Gary said you can be near it but not actually on the north pole. He said he has no idea where he was.
Gary said they did do a show in Alaska with Metallica the year before. He said maybe that's why Howard is confused. Howard said he hears from Steve Kingston who asks him if he remembers that stuff and he just says yes.
Howard said he doesn't like that Gary says magnetic north pole. He said it sounds like he thinks he's some sort of expert. Gary said that's just what they were told. Howard said he doesn't know any of it.
Howard said he didn't know that Alaska wasn't near the north pole. Gary said they flew past the tree line and there are no more green things growing past a certain point. Howard and Robin goofed on Gary doing impressions of him talking about all of that. Fred did his Gary puppet voice and said the only green he saw above the green line was his teeth.
Howard asked Fred if he knew there was a magnetic north pole. Fred said he did. He said it's hard to say where it is because it actually moves. He went back not his Gary Puppet voice and goofed on Gary some more.
Howard took a call from Gary audio book who was telling his story about the north pole visit. The guys played Gary talking about shooting a 50 caliber out of helicopter once too. Then they had him talking about meeting President Clinton.
Howard said he shouldn't have hung up on him. He said he wanted to hear the story about Clinton. Howard asked Gary why he didn't call it the magnetic north pole in the book. Gary said he's not sure. He said maybe he just wanted to be more accurate for Howard. Robin said there is no land to visit at the north pole. She said there is no north pole to go to. Howard read from a book where they explain the north pole. He said who gives a fuck. He said he feels like he's back in school.
Howard said lets get back to jerking off. He read a story about a Northwest airline passenger who was caught masturbating 4 times on the same flight. He said he's being banned for life from the airline. He said the female passenger he did it in front of said that he did it 4 times. He was seen licking a white substance from his fingers too. Howard said it looks like Robin is about to vomit.
Howard said the guy claims that he asked before doing it first and she said she didn't think it mattered. Howard said you have to get consent from the rest of the passengers too. He said maybe she didn't think it would be a marathon.
Howard said Sal and Richard jerked off on a flight. He asked them to tell that story again. Richard said Sal jerked off in the restroom and he told him to go do it. He said he felt peer pressure so he did it. Howard asked how old they are. Richard said he's 48 and Sal is 52.
Sal said on the way back he did it again. He said it was taking him a long time and there was a line there for the bathroom. He said Richard banged on the door. Richard said he told the flight attendant to say something too. Sal said Richard said he saw him grab a newspaper before he went in there.
Howard asked Sal what he was doing in there. Sal said he was shitting and figured he'd do the other thing too. He said it's a shame to sit on the bowl that long and not jerk off.
Howard thanked the guys for that and said the fans were working in about the masturbation stories.
Howard said Gary went to see John Fogerty a few weeks ago and didn't wear a mask. Gary said he was in an area where there weren't a lot of people. Howard played a Baba Booey song parody after that.
Gary said John Fogerty did 19 songs and they were all hits. He said he's 77 and playing like he's 25. Howard said Fogerty was at his birthday show and he was fabulous. He said some guys fall apart. He said that it must have been worth going and risking long COVID.
Howard said that all the news organizations are reporting that they have people who got COVID at the event. Robin said that
Howard said Dave handled the whole thing very well. He said that you're very focused on what you're doing up there. He said that Jamie Foxx ran out and helped Dave when this happened. He said he had many performers there but Jamie was the one who came out and took care of the situation. Howard said Jamie looks like a powerful dude. He said he's been in a room with him.
Howard asked if they let this guy go back to his seat and sit down and get an award. He said they messed this guy's arm up so bad that you could see it in the pictures when he was being taken out. Howard said they didn't do that to Will Smith. He said no one did anything to help Chris Rock. Robin said he didn't have a friend in the room. Howard said this was live television and it was Will Smith. He said they gave him a standing ovation after the attack. He said they didn't break his hands, they shook them. He said they should all be ashamed of themselves at the Oscars.
Howard had some sound from this Dave Chappelle thing. He said someone got a phone in there and got some audio. Howard played the clip and you hear he guy getting on stage and attacking Dave. Someone yelled ''Fuck him up!'' and then some people are cheering.
Howard said that Dave came out and gave a shout out to Jamie Foxx. He played that clip too. Howard said here was a lot of energy in that room.
Robin said she's ready to get off this fucking planet. She said she can't take it anymore. She said people are just so stupid. Howard said she sounds like his mother. He said it's a sin to take your own life. Robin asked how people can stand themselves.
Howard said he has multiple people taking care of his parents. He said it's insane. He said he had it down to one at night but then his father was going nuts and running around with his clothes off and saying people were coming to get him. He said his mother is getting feisty now too. He said she needs help going to the bathroom now. He said yesterday was crazy. He said Beth was getting calls from his mother and she spent an hour on the phone with her. Howard said she was half dad the other week and now she's on the phone all the time.
Howard said his mom called Beth and she couldn't hear Beth so she had to tell the aide to tell her that she can hear her. Howard did his impression of what that sounded like. He said this is why it went on for an hour. He said his mom told Beth to get a piece of paper to write something down. He said Beth got something to write on. He said she doesn't want to disappoint his mother so she does it. He said Beth is scrambling for paper and a pen. He said then it's more of the same. He said she's asking if she has paper. Howard said she has the paper and then his mom tells her to write something down. He said his mom tells her to write down that there's a TV show in the afternoon that starts at 12 but she's not sure. She said there are three couples and they have colors of red and banana. Howard said they ask each couple questions and if they get it right the audience gets money. He said she asked what the name of the show is and what time it's on. He said she was asking Beth to figure out what this show is.
Howard said Beth came in and told him what was going on. He said he was on with his psychiatrist so he was still reeling from that. He said he told Beth to call Jon Hein and get the name of the show. Howard said Beth told him this story 3 times and he had no idea what she was talking about.
Howard said then his mother calls Beth again about an hour later. Howard said he was going to talk to Jon about the show but then he was in a meeting. He said his mom told Beth the show is called Tattle Tales. Howard said that show was on like 100 years ago. He said she loves the show. He said who knew. He said the show was on at 12. He said then his mom got angry with Beth. He said she told her not to send her food anymore. Howard said he sent her grilled salmon from DoorDash. He said now she's berating Beth over that.
Howard said his mom was asking if it was fresh. He said Beth said it was. Howard said each conversation is yelling and takes hours. He said this is what's going on. He said he's on the phone with the doctor trying it get him medicated. He said just tell his mom that the got old salmon.
Howard said it was a crazy day. He said he thought it would be a calm day. Robin said she's amazed that there's a woman sitting there asking Beth about a TV show. Robin said there's a woman in the room with his mom. Howard said he woman said to her that was Tattle Tales. He said that's how she found out. Robin said his mother thinks she has to call Beth but she has a woman there with her. Howard said she's afraid to ask for help because she's bothering everyone. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he thinks as a trio ZZ Top might be better than Cream was. Robin said she might go along with that. Howard said he loved Cream but he thinks that ZZ Top might be better. He said ZZ Top is so good he'd travel to the magnetic north pole to see them.
Howard said he was almost going to say that ZZ Top might be the greatest trio of all time but then there's the Jimi Hendrix experience and The Police. He said there's not a lot but what a band ZZ Top is. He said Dusty Hill is gone so rest in peace.
Robin asked why he has to rank everything. Howard said you have to rank. He said people love it. He said the ratings go way up when he does that. He said people hang on his every word. He said he must rank.
Howard said he has to talk to Sheryl Crow about not being in the rock and roll hall of fame. He said he saw that they put out the list for the hall of fame inductees. He got Jon Hein on to tell them who is in. Pat Benetar is in. Howard said it's about time. Jon said Duran Duran is on the list. Howard said okay. Jon said Eminem, Eurythmics, Dolly Parton, Lionel Ritchie and Carly Simon are in.
Howard said it's really just a music hall of fame now. He said it's not rock and roll. He said you laugh at the nominations. He said that there are a lot of rock bands that aren't in. He said there are a lot of bands who should be in before Duran Duran.
Howard said he would put Mozart in there. He said he sold a lot. He said there you go.
Howard said Jon must have voted for Carly Simon. Jon said he did. He said he did vote for some of the people who got in. He said he thought Beck would get in but he didn't. He said he thought Rage Against the Machine would get in. He said he thought Dionnne Warwick would get in too but they didn't. Howard said this is a musical hall of fame and he's not sure why it matters to anyone. He said he doesn't care. He said that Jon Bon Jovi cared but he doesn't know why.
Howard said enough of that update. He said they have to talk about one more musical note. He said John Hinckley Jr. is hitting the road as a musician. He said that he's the one who tried to kill President Reagan. He said that he's selling out shows in 450 seat venues. Howard said the people who show up should all be arrested.
Howard said who knows who is going to those shows. Howard had one of his songs and played that for Robin. Howard said it's kind of Manson like. Howard said this just shows the world has gone mad. He said he put a notice on Instagram that he's looking for someone to play bass and drums for him.
Howard read about what Hinckley did and how he must be all cured now. Robin said he must not be a danger to anyone anymore. Howard said he has that new single ''Long Lost Yesterday'' out now.
Howard said that this shows that even if you have all the time in the world you may not be that great at playing guitar. Howard read some comments about John's music.
Howard said the guys went out on the street and asked people if they would rather date him or Johnny Depp. He said you can guess what they said. Howard played some audio of people saying that they'd rather date Johnny even after they read some of his awful comments about Amber Heard. One woman picked Howard but quickly changed her mind to Johnny.
Robin said wow. She said that one woman came through but changed her mind. Howard said John Hinckley has better fans than he does even with this shitty music.
Howard took a call from fake Jodi Foster who said she just loves this music. She said she's impressed with him and if he had just played this for her instead of shooting the president then she might have been with him. Howard let her go after that.
Howard played the call Richard made to the show where he offered them a recording offer. He said he had already hired someone to put their prayers to music. He played some of their idiotic prayers in tongue that were mixed with music. They loved it. Richard asked if they would make a deal with him. They just said amen. Then Richard said they made a deal with the devil. He said he had them speaking in tongues heavy metal style after that. They hung up on him and started praying in tongues.
Howard said that's what happens when you deal with these record producers. He said they got rid of him. He said god job Richard.
Howard asked Richard what her favorite was. Richard said it was the heavy metal one. Howard said it seems like they were so freaked out that they ended the show. Richard said they had to come together to pray to get rid of him. Howard said great job on that one.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she would fuck him over Johnny Depp any day. Howard thanked her for that. The caller said that her husband is named Harold and he has the same Jewish name as Howard did. She said he's Svie too. Howard said that's lovely.
Howard said a lot of people liked hearing from fake Johnny Depp yesterday. He read some comments about that. He said he had people writing in about Jeff the Drunk's penis picture too. He said they were disgusted by that. Howard said he has to get to Sheryl Crow. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard came back and said Sheryl Crow is with them. He said the new documentary Sheryl is debuting on May 6th. He said look at her. He said look at her band too. Sheryl said they've been doing this a long time. Howard said her documentary is very good. He said a lot of rock documentaries are just a white washing of things. He said some aren't satisfying but this gets to the essential point that she is a very serious musician who has written millions of hits but there's some kind of lack of respect for her. He said she's not in the rock and roll hall of fame. He said she's been nominated for 53 Grammys and won 9. He said it's insulting. He said that the rock hall of fame doesn't mean anything at the end of the day but come on.
Sheryl said she almost turned down the documentary. He said at first she said no. She said that the Go-Gos wert the first legit all girl band. She said she saw them during the pandemic and she thought about that. Howard said they deserve to be in the hall of fame. Sheryl said she kind of felt like she was always an outsider. She said some people wrote her off. She said that she wanted her story to be about the fun stuff. She said she had a lot of jobs and she has a whole life there that wasn't just about her happy songs. She said those songs don't define your career.
Howard said that he thinks about her career and how Keith Richards thinks of her as an equal. He said that shows she's no lightweight. He said he appeared in her documentary. He said he didn't know how close they were. He said the Stones called her when she did that pay per view special. He said it blows his mind.
Sheryl said that she grew up in a small town and she wanted to get out of there and she listened to a lot of bands that made her think she could do it. She said when her first album came out the Seattle bands were big. She said the Stones plucked her out and put her on their tour. She said that scene was great. She said she was so lucky to be embraced by them. She said she shouldn't have it any other way. She said its the coolest thing ever.
Howard asked about the first time she went on stage with the Stones. Sheryl said she vomited all day long. She said she was freaking out being on stage with Mick. She said that he was 6 inches away from her. She said she went back to being a kid. She said she texted him recently and asked him to play harp on a song for her. She said that's the song ''Live with Me.'' Howard said she's covering that song today. He said he can't wait for that. Sheryl said she thought it would be good to do today. She said she can't believe she has his phone number. She said she's still a fan and you never lose that. She said hearing back from him made her lose it.
Howard said he has watched her on stage with Mick and he gets the feeling that Mick wants to fuck her brains out. Sheryl said she's going to text him and ask him. Howard said he's doing all of this stuff like thrusting his pelvis at her. He said it's odd. Sheryl said that she might be the only woman that he ever loved.
Howard said Prince loved ''Every day is a winding road'' and he jumped on stage with her to sing with her. He said he had his arms wrapped around her. He said these men do go crazy for her. Sheryl said she's hot. She said she's 60 and she's still hot. She asked how she's not married. Howard asked how no one has married her. He said she sings ''Strong Enough'' and he wonders how there aren't men who are strong enough. Sheryl said she doesn't know. She said she scratches her head and wonders how she didn't get married. Sheryl said she almost did 3 times. Howard said he first time was a dude who was in a cover band called Cashmere. Sheryl said she was doing pop hits in that band. Howard asked if she has any contact with that guy now since she walked away when he told her she had to sing for the lord if she wanted to marry him.
Sheryl said after she had breast cancer she got a nice note from that guy. She said everyone grows up eventually and figure out who they are.
Howard asked if she's happy that she didn't marry him and she's doing great now. Sheryl said that she doesn't look at it like that. She said in some way she's grateful for all of it. She said you move on and don't care anymore.
Howard said she got her breast cancer diagnosis 6 days after breaking up with Lance Armstrong. He said she was going to marry that guy and she broke up with him when he was going through the worst. Sheryl said that has happened to her twice.
Howard asked if men are horrible. Sheryl said not at all. She said she has great guys in the band who have been with her a long time.
Howard introduced the guys in the band. He said hi to Fred on drums first. He asked him some questions about working for Sheryl and what that's like. Fred said she's the best. He said he's had a lot of great gigs but he's been with her 10 years.
Howard said hi to Jen on keyboards. He asked her about Sheryl love life too. Jen said she doesn't think that she's missing out on anything. Sheryl said she doesn't either. She said that she's super happy. She said she has a great life.
Howard said hello to Tim on guitar. He asked him about working with Sheryl too. Tim said he's filling in for some of the guys who aren't feeling well today. He said he has been on the show in the past. He said Sheryl knows how to take care of musicians. Howard asked Tim who he has played with. Tim said Noel Gallagher from Oasis was one. Howard said that must have been fun.
Howard asked Tim if Sheryl is a perfectionist. Tim said not really. He said he had to learn the Stones song yesterday and Sheryl just wants them to have the right feel. He said she's not worried about it.
Howard said hi to Robert the bass player who has played for Lynrd Skynrd. Howard asked him how you know you're good. He said it's when you make money doing it and don't have to do anything else.
Howard asked Sheryl about her mom being a piano teacher and if that's what you have to be exposed to as a kid to get into music. Sheryl said some of the greatest artists didn't come from musical families. She said working with Prince was like working with an alien. She said she's never been around someone who was that talented. She said that some people are pulled toward it or they manifest it. She said there are many people who are better than her. She said she had a lot of tenacity and she didn't want to stop just because people said she sucked.
Howard said he knows guys who had great radio voices but they dropped out of it because they weren't making money at it. Howard said he thinks he had the drive to do it and that's why he was successful.
Howard asked if there's something in her that makes her want to entertain people. Sheryl said she thought she could make everyone happy and it doesn't work like that. She said she went into it and wanted to raise her voice and talk about how sad and broken she was. She said she was dedicated too. She said she still loves writing songs and coming up with something really good.
Howard said he gets upset thinking about her and how she grew up. He said she must have felt deprived as a child. Sheryl said she came from the ideal family. She said her parents are still married and they're in their late 80s and early 90s. She said she was able to play all kinds of music and she was able to sooth things. He said that she thinks she came in with her own melancholy. She said she had to figure everything out when she was diagnosed with breast cancer too.
Howard said he thinks of her song Wether Channel and she refers o the black dog which is depression. He said she said it's a happy song about suicidal tendencies. Sheryl said she doesn't go into the studio thinking that she has to write a hit song. She said she's not doing it to make money. She said some of those songs will never be heard but she writes them for herself. She said she encourages young artists to make albums so they can tell a story. She said that's why you do an album. She said those songs on the album can touch people.
Howard said it's futile to put out an album these days. Sheryl said she doesn't know about that. She said Phoebe Bridgers is one artist who is making statements with her albums. She said she didn't grow up with a 6 second attention span. She said that you can't bow down to the norms now. She said that someone became so big after he passed away. She said nick Drake and Elliot Smith were big after they passed. She said music will still matter even after they're gone.
Howard asked Sheryl about working with George Harrison. Sheryl said she was a backup singer in a house band. She said she got to sing with a lot of great bands. Howard said he knows she was on Colbert last night doing back up. He asked if she likes that. Sheryl said she loves it. She said she's inspired by the old people who brought her there but she gets off on a lot of young artists who are writing great stuff.
Howard asked Sheryl about how tough it was to go out in the beginning and be the backup singer for Michael Jackson. He said she must have known who she was. Sheryl said she's not sure she did. She said she didn't think she had to be famous but she wanted to be great. She said she held the bar up high for herself. She said when it did happen for her it was very confusing.
Howard said last time he talked to her about this. He said she said that Fleetwood Mac was considering putting her in the band at one point. He asked when that was. Sheryl said she's not sure of the timeline. She said she thinks they were going to be going back out and Christine didn't want to go out. She said she thinks what happened was that she talked about it and that pissed Lindsay off so that put the end to that. She said that might be what happened. Howard asked if she was angry with herself. Sheryl said she doesn't know. She said that if you grow up listening to their music and you get asked to do it you're excited about it. She said that she opened her big mouth and that's it.
Howard said now she and Lindsay are out of the band. Sheryl said she's in good company.
Howard asked how secure Stevie Nicks is to have her in the band with her. Sheryl said she is her archangel. She said she's awesome and she can't even describe how awesome she is. She said she is a fully realized artist and she's always doing something artistic. She said she's painting or writing music. She said she's not competitive. She said that she is just open and she hopes to be that open.
Howard said he's not sure if he were Stevie that he'd want Sheryl on stage looking her over instead of her. Sheryl said Stevie is so hot. She said that she's got it all in there and you can see it on stage. She said that Paul McCartney looks like he's in his 30s on stage and that's the way it is for Stevie.
Howard said he thinks that could have produced some interesting things if she was in Fleetwood Mac. He said that cold have been good. Sheryl said it's possible that he was considering other people as well. She said she doesn't know the whole story.
Howard asked Sheryl about who Stevie said was the love of her life. Sheryl said it was Joe Walsh. Howard said look at her. Sheryl said she is a big fan.
Howard said Sheryl wrote a song with Joe Walsh. He said he's barely in the video for the song though. He asked what's going on there. He said he's a fan of that song and the video. He said the song is very Joe Walshy. Sheryl said that video was shot in her driveway and her assistant shot it on an iPhone and did it on the cheap. She said they sent him what they had and asked him to do something so it was pieced together. She said they can't afford those million dollar videos now. Howard played some of the song ''Still the Good Days.'' He said that's a great song.
Howard said he thinks about Johnny Mathis and how he wasn't able to come out of the closet all his life. Howard asked if she sensed the sadness in his life when she worked with him. Sheryl said that she didn't know he was gay until just now. She said that's upsetting to hear. Howard said he put out like 100 albums or something.
Howard said he saw in the documentary that she was rumored to be with Michael Jackson and things like that. He said after that tour was over she went back to her waitress job. He said that's the craziness about show business. Sheryl said that she had his manager take that notoriety she was accruing and he tried to get some pop career around her. She said there was the threat of her not working and things like that too. She said she felt like it was all tied together that the word was out and Frank had sabotaged her. She said there were a lot of other girls who got jobs and she went back to being a waitress. She said it was really tough.
Howard said this guy Frank was Michael Jackson's manager and he had the hots for Sheryl. He said these guys know how to zero in on your weaknesses. He said she was strong enough to say no but many women aren't. He said that had to be heartbreaking too. Sheryl said she got a crash course in how things work at that time. She said that she grew up in the mid-west and she thought that good things would happen. She said the way things really work is that the companies were buying the records and making the album number one and it was pretty demoralizing.
Howard said he was happy to get a job for $250 a week. He said that kind of keeps you in the game. He said that Sheryl wanted to be innocent and hoped that something good would happen. He said that really came through. He said it can be debilitating. Sheryl said that was 30 years ago and she hopes that they can make strides now.
Howard said calling Frank out on a song took balls. Sheryl said that she said she did mention Frank and that was going on during the senate hearings with Anita Hill. She said that Biden was residing over all of that. She said it's weird how things come back around. Howard played some of the song he was talking about. That was ''The Na-Na Song.''
Sheryl said that we're still going through the same topics 30 years later. She said it's just weird.
Howard said going back to the Michael Jackson time this is all in the documentary. He said that she went over and watched Amos and Andy movies with Michael. He said that's weird enough but the chimpanzee is in the room with them and Michael was poking him in the chest with a pen and she must have been appalled. Sheryl said that this poor chimp could have thrown Michael through a wall. She said that she was just trying to stay in her body. She said Michael was poking Bubbles in the chest with the pen. Howard asked if she felt like he was going to make a move on her. Sheryl said not at all. She said that he had four of his security guys in the room too. She said making the documentary was so weird. She said she hired Amy Scott to do it because she did a good job on another documentary she saw. Sheryl said that she handed over a lot of material for her to go through and it was a lot of stuff she never even saw. She said recalling all of this stuff was draining. She said it was tough.
Howard said he felt so bad for her. He said he has been asked to turn over his material for a documentary and he can't do it. He said he doesn't want any part of it. He said he started to feel bad for Sheryl when she breaks down and cries over the song ''Leaving Las Vegas.'' He said he thinks that she's way too hard on herself. He said she was talking about the title coming from a book she saw on a table. Sheryl said that someone in the room had mentioned the name of the book and she's not sure what actually happened. She said she took the blame for the guy when he killed himself and she didn't even know the guy. She said that when that happened she just decided to write her own stuff in a room alone. She said that she did her second album that way.
Howard said when she performs Leaving Las Vegas does it have a negative connotation for her. Sheryl said it took awhile for her to make her peace with it. She said that when her second son was about 6 she could hear him singing that song in the back and he sang it ''Life springs a turtle'' so now she hears it in a different way.
Howard asked Sheryl to perform ''Leaving Las Vegas'' with the guys now. Sheryl said they can do that. Howard said he's so jealous of them being in a band. He said that he will shut up now. He let them perform their song.
After the song Howard said he loves that version of the song. He said it sounded fantastic. Sheryl asked if they can do a whole set. Howard said sure. He said for her yes. She told him to put on the coffee.
Howard asked the band if they practice the harmonizing. He said that they must have to practice. Sheryl asked Howard not to sing because he was asking how they do this one part and sang it. Sheryl said that you have to get two shots of sipping tequila to do it. Howard asked her to be serious with him. Sheryl told Howard about teaching low and high and if you can't distinguish between the two them you're screwed. Howard asked if you can be a guitar player or piano player. Sheryl said she has a friend who is a great guitar player but he can't sing.
Howard talked to Jen about it and she said that if you can make a noise that makes you feel good then you might be good at singing.
Howard said some people lose it as they get older but he can't detect that Sheryl has lost anything. Sheryl said she doesn't live as hard as she used to and her voice has held up. She said her mom is 85 and she has an amazing voice and she's never lost her range at all.
Howard asked if Sheryl wrote Leaving Las Vegas on a bass. He said the song gets kind of trippy toward the end. Sheryl said that Dan Schwartz wrote that part. She said he guitars on the song she just basically sang. She said that was one of those first nights hanging out with those guys.
Howard said he's looking at Sheryl and she's 60 but she looks fucking great. He said he's not sure what she's doing. Sheryl said she has good genes. She said she said she was never going to do anything to her face. She said she saw some of the documentary and she only saw it once. Howard said he thinks women should take note of that and not do so much.
Howard played some of Sheryl's hits. He asked if she ever smoked cigarettes. Sheryl said she did but she doesn't have that addict thing. She said she could just smoke one. She said she could stop for 3 weeks with no problem.
Howard asked who she would like to be able to sing like. Sheryl said Aretha Franklin. Howard said Brandi Carlile is pretty amazing too. Sheryl said she is stupefying. She said she's told her that to her face. She said she has known her since she was young and she's amazing.
Howard played more of her hits and said it must suck when you can't perform your own songs when you get older.
Howard asked Sheryl about the late Taylor Hawkins and if he played on one of her songs. She said he didn't. Howard said that was a rumor.
Howard played another hit song that Sheryl had. He asked about hanging out with Bruce Springsteen at his New Jersey house. He said that she said she would hang out but do they play together. Sheryl said they would ride horses or quads. She said they once drank a bunch and ended up doing this thing where you ride a horse and try to heard the cows into a smaller pen. She said they were doing that and they didn't really play music. Howard asked why not. He said it's two great musicians hanging out. Sheryl said people like to live and create stories. She said that Bruce would tell stories at dinner and his stories are off the hook. She said that there's lots of talking. She said that's a more powerful way of doing things than sitting down with guitars. She said it's more work than anything when you sit down with a guitar.
Howard asked if you ever jam and don't want to give them a hook you're thinking about. Sheryl said there are lots of spies in her business. She said she has co-written for some people and you want to get something on a Dixie Chicks album or something. She said when you collaborate you don't think about that stuff.
Sheryl told Howard about working with some people on their albums and how that all works. She said there are so many things that she's been through and she wrote ''The Worst'' thinking about those things.
Howard said it's not great that Mick and Keith aren't close. He said he loses sleep over it.
Howard said this song ''My Favorite Mistake'' is what he's thinking about. He said he wants an exclusive about this song. He said she has never revealed who that person was. He said he thinks it's Eric Clapton. Sheryl said it was actually Warren Beatty. She said that's the rumor about who ''You're so Vain'' was about. Howard said Carly Simon whispered in his ear who that was about but he can't remember what she told him.
Howard asked who the song was about. Sheryl said she couldn't reveal that. Howard asked why not. Sheryl said she can't remember which of the 3000 men it was about. Howard said he's guessing that she's had at least 3000 men hit on her. He asked if men do weird things for her. Robert said that he has seen a lot of guys who get close to her back stage and they try too hard. Jen said she's seen that too. Howard said you have to play a little bit aloof. Jen said that she can handle herself. She said they're ready to kick some knees but she can handle it.
Howard said he has seen it with Mick and Prince on the mic with her. He asked how you handle it with a person who has bad breath. Sheryl said she can't think of anyone like that. Howard said some men shouldn't do that. Sheryl said she has had smokers up there. She said there are those people who have post nasal drip that she'd like to use their own mic.
Howard asked Sheryl about the song ''My Favorite Mistake'' and read the lyrics to the song to her and asked what she was saying in the song. He explained it to her before she could explain it. Sheryl said this person was with someone when she met him. She said that he was at this radio event and she saw him making out with another famous girl. She said that was so gross to her. She said then she ended up on a handful of gigs together and she got sucked in. Howard asked if she hates herself for that. Sheryl said yes of course. He said way to rake her over the coals. Howard asked how long this person stayed in her life. Sheryl said she felt bad for about 8 or 10 months and never thought about it again. She said there have been several other favorite mistakes since him. Howard said oy vey.
Howard asked what that is. Sheryl said she likes funny people and she has dated famous and not famous and athletes. She said it doesn't matter. She said it's an open opportunity to be in the category of her next favorite mistake.
Howard played more of Sheryl's hits and asked if she thought of any of them as throw aways. Sheryl said she thought ''All I Wanna Do'' was a throw away. She said it sounded kind of goofy next to some of the other songs that were out at the time.
Howard said he can't wait to hear about ''Live with Me.'' He said it's a Rolling Stones song and it's one of those tracks he loved but they never played it on radio. He asked what she loves about the song. Sheryl said she loves that she has this memory that goes along with it. She said when Mick called her she hadn't exploded yet. She said she was getting played a ton of Colorado and France. She said he called her in the middle of the night in France and he asked her to do that song instead of Wild Horses which is what she thought she was going to do. She said she had to remember how to do it.
Howard said this guitar she just put on is interesting looking. Sheryl said it's a replica of a 59 Telecaster. Howard asked why that one. Sheryl said that's what Keith plays mostly. Howard said wow. He said it's that simple. She said that they had all of their guitars stolen except for their Gibsons. She said they must have been a country band if they left them behind. Howard asked what this guitar sounds like. Sheryl played a little bit for him. He asked Tim what he's playing too. Tim told Howard what it was and played some for him too.
Howard asked Tim if he practices a lot. Tim said no. Sheryl said that he was in the band Jellyfish and Crowded House too. Howard went through more of the band and had them play for him. Jen was playing piano so she played for him. Howard said he took piano lessons but his teacher killed himself. Howard had Fred play some drums for him.
Howard asked the guys to perform the song ''Live with Me.'' After the song Howard said he loved that. He said he likes when Jen and Sheryl harmonize. He asked them to do just that part. They did that part just for him.
Howard asked if Sheryl knew that Jen could sing when she started working with her. Sheryl said she did not. She said Jen is a bad ass though. Howard said he just admires that so much. He said he'd love for them to do 10 Rolling Stones songs. He rattled off a bunch of songs he'd like to hear. He said come in tomorrow and do them. He said their interpretation is so good. Sheryl said she hopes the Stones like it. She said they did mess with it a bit.
Howard asked if she agrees with him that Alanis Morissette should not have used harmonica on her album. Sheryl said she can't speak to that. Howard asked if she ever hears something on an album and thinks it's just not good. Sheryl said not at all. Howard said John Popper is a great harmonica player too. Sheryl agreed with him on that. She said things worked out for Alanis. Howard said you have to use it sparingly.
Howard said Sheryl has a new documentary coming out and they're celebrating it today. Sheryl said it's hard for her to watch. Howard said the documentary debuts on May 6th. He said it's called ''Sheryl.''
Howard asked Sheryl about not being in the rock and roll hall of fame. Sheryl said she's fine with that. She said she's doing okay and she doesn't need that. Howard said the documentary makes you see that she has to be celebrated. He said everyone there was raving about it. Howard said they learned that she is available. Robin said she's looking for another mistake. Sheryl said she'll take whatever. She said that should be the name of her next album.
Howard asked what she's got planned today. Sheryl said she thinks she'll be talking about herself the rest of the day. Howard said he learned that she lived with Laura Dern in the documentary. He said it's really weird. He said they just moved in together. Sheryl said Laura lived in her guest house.
Howard said she's supposed to be on Stephen Colbert tonight. He asked what she's wearing. She said she doesn't know yet. She said she will let him know.
Howard said her band is impressive. He said he's jealous. Sheryl said they're pretty nice people too. Howard asked if they all started young. Jen said she was 5. Tim said he was 8. Sheryl said Robert didn't start until last year. Robert said he was actually 10 or so. Fred said he was about 12.
Howard said he has to ask Sheryl if its true that she auditioned for Jerry Maguire. Sheryl said she did not but she did get the script and decided not to do it.
Robin said she liked how they covered the Lileth Fair stuff in the documentary. She said that was interesting. Howard said he liked seeing her in Cop Rock.
Howard gave Sheryl some more plugs and said it's always great seeing her. Sheryl thanked them for having them on. Howard let her go after that.
Robin said there's one scene in the documentary and Sheryl is so good looking and she runs on stage in a half shirt and she has abs. She said she's amazing. Robin said she thinks about how talented she is but people think she's just this pretty girl.
Howard said he loves Sheryl and he thanks her for doing it. He said the documentary is really good and so many are not. He wrapped up the show and ended it around 10:50am.