Howard was back live this morning. He started the show talking about the new version of The Great American Nightmare they had playing. He said that's Rob Zombie singing it. He said he's a show off with his vocal performance. He said that's his vocals from 2014 from when he did the song at the birthday show. He said that's their team playing the song. He said they did it remotely from home. He said no one was in the same room. He said that's vulnerable Rob Zombie. He said he's encouraging him to be a country artist. Robin said it's still rock and roll. Howard said they call it ''Slow Nightmare.''
Robin asked if he played it for Rob. Howard said he did and he guesses he's okay with it. He said they always check in with him.
Howard said he saw a side note about the song. He said he's trying to read it but his screen just popped off. He read some details about how the song works with the original vocals even though it's slower. He said he has no idea what they're talking about but it works.
Howard said he was busy picking out new glasses but these are a misfire. He said he wasted a lot of money on these. He said he got these frames and did a test with them on. He said he thought they looked okay in the photos he took. He said he liked Robin's frames and they're similar. He said he thought they'd look good as the Bopsie twins. He said that these would look good. He said he tried them on when he got them back and the tint was too heavy so he had them changed again. He said he had the glass changed and they still don't work. He said he looks almost ridiculous in them. He tried them on for Robin. Robin said they're too small for his face. She said he needs a bigger frame. She said they're floating up there. She said they're too high. Howard tried moving them. Robin said they don't belong down there. Howard said he's going to put them back. He said it's a bust.
Howard said he's disappointed that they don't work. He said he had Ralph pick them out and he thought the tint was too dark so he had them changed. He said they took the glass out and it still doesn't work. He said it's not his face but the glasses according to Robin. Robin said that's right. Howard said so much for the glasses.
Howard said Ralph really earned his keep picking out those glasses. He said he was there for the test and everything. He said he took some pictures. He did his impression of Ralph slurring his speech. Howard said the problem with Ralph is that he has been with him since he graduated high school basically. He said if he stopped paying him he'd be out on the street. He said he's never seen him have another job. He said he doesn't see any evidence of that anyway.
Robins said she has a lot of conversations with people who ask what Ralph does. Howard said he doesn't even know. He said he has a nice apartment and goes out and he's not sure how he makes money. He said he has a whole life. He said he's doing it however he's doing it. He said he's always talking about investing. He said he's always busy. He said he finally asked him to do something after 2 years of nothing and he wasn't available. He said he's actually been working a lot cleaning out his closet and sprucing up his look.
Howard said Ralph would call in to defend himself but he's sleeping. He said he doesn't have to get up early like they do.
Howard said he was watching a movie with his wife and it was a romantic movie. He said its the typical movie where they get together and break up and then get back together. He said it was on the Hallmark channel. He said it's always the same movie on Hallmark. He said they cast regular looking people in these shows. He said he wants to see attractive people falling in love. He said if you want to to do the move where they ugly up a good looking woman he's fine with that. He said he wants movie stars. He said there used to be quality standards but they don't exist anymore.
Howard said the show ''From'' is really good. He said he hasn't seen the final episode yet. He said he had to watch American Idol. He said he has to monitor that show. He said this new trend of putting regular people in movies and TV shows isn't working for him. He said you don't want to see an Elon Musk with a toothless hooker. He said that JD is his TV watcher and he told him that he only recommends shows to him with hot people in them. JD said that's true with the Hallmark movies. He said that he will evaluate the hotness of the people. He said that goes into if he recommends it to Howard or not. Howard said JD has been trained to pick out what he thinks is hot and not use his own taste. He said that he has told JD what he likes. JD said there was a show a few weeks ago that had older people in their 50s and he knew Howard wouldn't like that. Howard said he's right.
Howard said he doesn't want to see Oprah in a show like that. Robin said there are people who have such great love stories. She said they're regular people. Howard said he's not interested. He said you see regular people every day and they're repulsive. Robin said it's more realistic. Howard said that's not what anyone wants to see. Robin said she won't watch any of this stuff.
Howard said he's watching ''From'' and he does worry that there is no ending. He said it's been renewed for a second season. He said he hopes they have a plan. He said he has a feeling there's never going to be an ending. He said he's afraid that's what kind of vibe there is.
Robin said she was reading about another show on CBS and she found it hard to believe people were watching it. Howard said he won't watch sitcoms. He said he hasn't even seen every Seinfeld but he used to watch those things as a kid. He said he doesn't watch them now.
Howard said you want to see someone like Zendaya falling for Spider-Man. He said she's very good looking. He said she's very hot on the red carpet. He said put her in the movies. He said he has to recommend the new Batman movie. He said Rob Pattinson is a great Batman. He said Zoe Kravitz is great as Cat Woman. He said he always said that Lenny would make a good looking chick. He said his daughter is hot. Robin said that's because of Lisa Bonet. Howard said the daughter is fantastic as Cat Woman. He said that's who you want to see in a movie.
Howard said in the past if you weren't that attractive they'd make you a character actor. He said you couldn't be a leading man or woman. He said Colin Farrell looks like a monster now so he plays the Penguin in The Batman. He said he read that Robert Pattinson and George Clooney have the most symmetrical faces out there so that's why they look so good. Howard said he doesn't have that at all.
Howard said they used to say that Gabby Hayes was a character actor. He said he stood next to Roy Rogers so he'd look good. Robin said there was that guy with the googly eyes who was a leading man. Howard said if there's a movie about a down and outer then you see that. He said the movie ''Marty'' was about a an ugly guy who couldn't get a girl. He said that's not what he's talking about.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Arnold Schwarzenegger who said he disagrees with his beauty standards. He said they need more muscular women in movies. He said the women in Austria were built like livestock. He said that's what they need in movies. He said they have leathery labia. He said they have strong nipples you can hang your coat on when you get to the bar.
Howard said he remembers Arnold in Conan and his co-star was gorgeous. Arnold said he couldn't handle those women. Howard let Arnold go a short time later.
Howard said JD has more movies on his list to watch. He said he made a few suggestions. He said he hopes the women are hot. JD said they're cute. Howard said if they're cute he's in. He said you want fantasy. He said there's enough reality in the world. He said he bets that Hallmark's ratings are down with these people he sees.
Howard said when you see two ugly people kiss it's monstrous. He said when he made Private Parts he was trying to make out with Mary McCormack. He said he had to make that happen. He said the director, Betty Thomas, came over and told him no one wants to see that. He said in a comedy no one wants to see that. He said that he had to try though. He said he did try to make out with her. He said cut it in post. He said that TV and movies are designed not to remind you that you have to lose 20 pounds. He said it's about fantasy.
Howard said the TV show ''From'' is very good but he hopes they have a plan. He said the show ''Lost'' was good but he knew they had no ending and they never had any answers. He said that he wishes he could have all that time back he wasted watching that show. He said he could have done a lot during that time. He said he lost about a third of his life watching that show. He said how fucking stupid that show was. He said he looks back on his life and two things wasted his life and one was Hebrew school and the other was ''Lost.''
Howard said Johnny seemed to have it made and he was such a good looking guy. Robin said he was so desired that he left a TV show that was successful to do movies. Howard said he was on 21 Jump Street. He said he forgot about that. He asked what his first movie role was that put him over the top. Robin said it may have been that one with Leonardo DiCaprio as his mother. She said it was ''Who's Eating Gilbert Grape.'' Howard said he made one movie after another and he had it made. He said now he looks bad. He said he almost looks like him at times. He said that's some downfall.
Howard said he thinks that he wanted the trial televised because he's a narcissist. He said that all narcissists think they can talk their way out of things. He said Trump is like that. He said he had his book out and he was doing a press conference at a hotel. He said it turned out to be Trump's hotel. He said Trump came up and talked to him for like an hour. He said he was trying to prepare for this press conference and Trump was just talking about his success. He said he became intrigued with him and head him on the show many times. He said he's up there on the narcissism scale himself but Trump is on another level. He said in real life you have to be interested in other people.
Howard said he thinks Johnny Depp is a huge narcissists too. He said that he thinks he's so great at acting that he can convince people of anything. He said he's so over acting in this trial. He said he's writing his own material in this thing. He said he shouldn't have this on TV at all. Howard said this isn't going well for anyone. He said it's not good for Johnny or Amber. He said they go back and forth arguing like kids. He said it's just coming off really badly.
Howard said Johnny testified for 2 full days last week. He said imagine how much time that is. He said there's so much that can come up.
Howard asked if Robin knows what this suit is about. Robin said Amber did an article for some magazine and didn't name Johnny but she did say she lived with spousal abuse and talked about all kinds of things. Robin said because of that Johnny says that his career fell apart after that article and he's claiming she defamed him. Howard said he sees that it was in the Washington Post originally.
Howard said Johnny testified for 2 days and it was a disaster. He said there were tons of accusations. He said there was something about someone who shit in the bed in 2016 and Johnny claims it was Amber and she says it was her dogs. Howard said his friend told him he had to watch this. He said he missed it but he has a recap.
Howard said this is Johnny trying to tell you that the poop wasn't from a dog but from Amber. Howard played a clip of Johnny talking about the fecal matter on the bed. He was describing the poop and said the dogs are too small to make it that big.
Robin said she was thinking about how Lucy and Desi never thought of these scenarios. Howard said he loves that his difficulty of speaking the English language is fantastic. He said the accent he has is weird. He said he came from the southwest or something. He said he heard he tries to talk like Keith Richards. Robin said he did that in the pirate movies. Howard said maybe he's still in character. He said the guy is from Kentucky. He said he's not sure what's going on there. He said people are shitting in his bed and you think the guy has it made.
Howard said this is Johnny trying to describe some photos of the fecal matter. He played the clip of him talking about the poop in the bed and he was taking forever to get the story out. He said it was human fecal matter.
Howard did an impression of Johnny taking forever to get the story out. Howard said they could turn this into a play on Broadway. Robin said they could run it for years. Howard said please don't steal that idea. He said that if he was auditioning for Saturday Night Live he would do this as his monologue. He did more of his impression of Johnny.
Howard asked what he's suing her for. Robin said she thinks that he's trying to get work and it's not so much about money. Howard said there is a 10 person jury from what he's reading. He said that the lawyers must have lectured him on how to refer to feces. He said he had to replay this one clip because he called it ''dropping a grumpy.'' He said he's not sure if that has ever been said. Howard played a clip of Johnny talking about that.
Howard said maybe the lawyers figured that all out for him. He did his ''agent'' voice as one of the lawyers telling Johnny what to call it.
Howard said he read that Johnny is suing her for $50 million and she's suing him for $100 million saying that he started a smear campaign against her. Howard did more of his lawyer voice talking to Johnny about what to call it when he describes the shit in the bed.
Howard said Johnny had it made. He said if he's in a shitty marriage then get out. He said don't stay there and allegedly beat her. He said he says he didn't do that. He said just get out of the marriage. Howard did more of the agent voice telling Johnny what to say when he's on the stand.
Howard said ''Feces'' is more offensive to him than ''shit.'' He said it's the greatest word.
Howard looked for more clips to play. He said here are newscasters reporting on the doody stuff. He said they make it seems so offensive but everyone knows what shit is. He said kids are told by their parents to avoid stepping in dog shit. Howard said they warn you like it's really offensive. Howard played some audio of some newscasters talking about the doody in the bed thing and trying to clean up the story. Howard said that Billy Bush is back and reporting on the doody story. He played a clip of him talking about the story.
Howard said he has one guy said that he wasn't going to bring up what happened but then brought it all up. He said it was too early to get graphic but then he did. He said then they start making jokes about it. He said they failed at what they were trying to do. One woman on the show was cracking up laughing. One guy said that they say it was a smear campaign and the woman laughs even harder.
Robin said that was nervous laughter. She said she must have been afraid to say anything that might be wrong. Howard made up more terms for the shit that was in the bed and kept saying that he was cleaning up the story.
Howard said Johnny drags out his story so much. He did more of his impression of him.
Howard said they read many of Johnny's text messages in the trial. He had some clips of them reading the texts. There was one about her throat and how he has other uses for it that do not cause injury. There was one about burning her body so no one could ever find it. They had Johnny reading some of the texts too.
Howard said it was Johnny's idea to put this on TV. Robin said Walt Disney is coming back from the dead to fire him again. Howard did his impression of Johnny reading his texts. Howard said what a trial. He said this guy is from Kentucky. He said he sounds like a guy from another planet. He said he's sort of British sounding. Robin said he has lived over there so maybe he picked it up there.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Michael Caine who said he has to pause longer between words. He said it makes it much more powerful. He said he wants to believe it when he says ''Fecal... Matter.'' He said notice that his nostrils are flaring up when he says it. Howard said this is Johnny talking about his real life. Michael said that he's not sure about that. He said he thinks this is his greatest performance ever. He said this is a character that they have never seen before. He said he believes he blinks too much though. He said he never blinks. He said Johnny is adding pregnant pauses between every single word. Howard thanked him for his comments. He let Michael go and locked the door behind him.
Howard said they expect the trial to last 4 more weeks. He said they're running this on Court TV. He said that they're running it like 24/7 over there. He said he has to check it out.
Howard said the shit that was in the bed is on the phone. He took the call and it was shitting into a toilet sounds. Howard said that was an exclusive.
Howard took a call from a woman whose phone connection was so bad that Howard didn't understand what she was saying. He did an impression of the bad connection. Howard said he's not sure what she was saying. Robin said she thinks that she was saying that Amber is a ''C U Next Tuesday.'' Howard did more of his impression of her bad phone connection. He said she must be in Ukraine trying to call in.
Howard said he's on the phone all the time and he has a regular connection. He said he's not sure what Danielle is on. Danielle said she's in her basement working. Howard said she called in and ruined the show from her basement. He said good for you. She said she hopes that it's a good signal now. Howard said it's too late. Danielle said that it sounds like Howard isn't watching but he should. Howard said he will. Howard hung up on her when she started to tell him about why Johnny wanted this broadcast on TV. Howard did his impression of Danielle and her awful phone connection. He had her talking about the trial and made a bunch of noises with his megaphone.
Howard asked how that woman knows that Amber is a cunt. He said he wants to know how she's such an expert.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who has been watching the trial. Ralph said it's fantastic. He said Howard wouldn't watch it long form. He said you have to put it on and just see what happens. He said someone cut off his finger and then he's busy writing in blood and things like that. He said it's crazy. Howard asked why he'd want that on TV. Ralph said he thinks that he has dependency problems. He said that she's watching and recording him and she should be getting him help instead of just recording him. Howard said even if she's getting the shit knocked out of her then she has to record it. Robin said the texts Howard played were before they even got married. He was already calling her a cunt and saying that he was going to fuck her skull or something. She said then she still married him. Howard said you can't get someone help of they don't want to take it.
Ralph said there's one scene where she's recording Johnny hitting cabinets and stuff and she's not getting him help. He said he's on Johnny's side in this. He said the courtroom is full of pretty girls too. He said he's not sure who they are but this is all fascinating to him.
Howard said he likes that Johnny looks kind of fucked up now. He said he used to be so handsome. Ralph said it's all so crazy. He said the best thing is that there are texts and other people are getting shrapnel from this trial. He said this guy Paul Bettany is getting some of that because the texts are coming out in court.
Howard asked how you know the show is on. Ralph said it's a live stream and you can look it up on YouTube. He said he watched some of Thursday's stream and you can see it all there. He said you just search for it there. Howard said he may have to watch this.
Howard said he may have to watch. He said now they know what Ralph does all day. He said there's a guy who should write a book. He said he somehow gets to watch that stuff and gets paid.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has not stopped laughing this morning. She said she has watched all of this Johnny Depp stuff. She said that she wanted to give some insight into Amber Heard too. She was laughing the whole time. Howard said she doesn't have to repeat what he already said. He said there's no reason to do that. He asked what it was that he said that was so funny. The caller, Mary, was going to talk about Amber but Howard was about to hang up on her. Mary said that Amber makes Johnny look good. She said that's how she comes across. Howard bailed on her call because she was still laughing and trying to tell her story.
Robin said that there was a makeup bag that the lawyers showed that Amber used to cover up her bruising and it turns out the makeup wasn't available at the time.
Howard did his impression of laughing Mary for a little bit. He said his point was that people want to see this because Johnny and Amber are beautiful people. Robin said that Amber could do more for her appearance in this trial. Howard said she wants to look normal for the jury. He did his lawyer voice and had some suggestions for Amber and what she should be wearing in court. He did more of his laughing Mary impression too. He had her telling him everything funny he said earlier in the show. Howard said people are on laughing gas.
Howard asked how a federal judge in Florida gets to decide if people can wear masks in the whole country. He said it's unbelievable to him. He said that he has to talk about that later in the show. Robin asked if he missed the show. Howard said he was off for a week so he didn't get to talk about all of that. He said he has a tremendous need to perform so of course he missed it. He went into a live commercial read.
Howard said they took the week off and he spent time with his mother. He said he got a card in the mail and it was a sympathy card from Richard Christy. He said his mother is alive but he sent a sympathy card. He said Richard is going too far. He said he knows he's trying to be on his side. Richard said he just feels for him and he feels sympathy for him. Howard said you send a card like that when someone dies. He said his mother is still alive. He said he can smell her death so he sent the card to get it in before Sal. Richard said it wasn't about that. He said it was about feeling sympathy for him during this tough time. Howard said he saw it and figured someone thought his mother died.
Richard asked what he should have sent. Howard said just a note. He said you don't send a sympathy card. Howard said he figured this is what it's going to be like when his mother does go. He said it was really depressing.
Richard said that he knows he likes notes from people instead of email. Richard said he's not sure what to do now. Howard said he already blew it. Howard told him to go back and be silly. Robin said she's not sure there's another person who would think that's appropriate to send during this time.
Howard said the other thing was that he saw it was from Richard and he was touching it. He said he was all skeeved out so he had to shower. He said washing his hands wasn't going to cut it. He said he had to wash his whole body. He said that he doesn't take a shower and he was the one licking the envelope. He said he had to show Beth the card. He said that she thought it was weird too.
Howard said Richard's house is so dirty that he found a spider in his earphones. Richard said it crawled in his ear. He said it was so gross. He said he threw the headphones down. He said he flicked his ear and the spider ran out. Howard said he's lucky it didn't burrow in there. Richard said he had a spider fall down from the ceiling and landed on his microphone. He said he tries not to kill spiders but he had to kill that one.
Howard asked why not just live in a tent instead of a house. He said how about cleaning the basement and he wouldn't have spiders. Richard said he does have stick pads down there to catch the spider crickets they get in the house. He said they're renting the place so they don't do a lot there. He said this is his area so he's not worried about his cleanliness but the rest of the house is clean. Hard said the spiders might move to other parts of the house. Howard thanked him for thinking of him and let him go. Howard got back to his Steven Singer live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and talked about the Bon Jovi song and named the band members of the band. He said when he hears that song it takes him back to when he went to Cleveland to induct them into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He said if he could just do that for everyone in the hall of fame. He said if he could just do that every weekend. He said there's nothing more fun than that. He said feel free to ask him to do it. He said he still can't believe he did it but he can't say no to Jon. He said he confronted him in person so he's a tricky guy. He said he had no idea it was going to be in Cleveland.
Howard said he loves Jimmy Kimmel and he'll do anything people ask him to do. He said he was somewhere this weekend giving an award to someone. He said that guy works hard but he still does that stuff. Robin said some people like the joy of giving and the joy of participation. She said Howard is missing that part. Howard said Jimmy always says he needs free time but then he's running around doing this stuff. JD said he was at the Mark Twain prize thing with Jon Stewart.
Howard said Jimmy sent him a book to read. He said he sent a funny note with it saying he's sure that he'll throw it out since he doesn't like clutter. He said he thanked him and left a message for him. He said he has 7 copies of the book already. He said its the Habits of Artists. He said it talks about the different habits that artists have. He said everyone thinks that he should read this book. He said you read about 2 people and you're done. He said he has gotten this book from 7-10 people. He said he's complimented that people think he's an artist though.
Howard said he wasn't looking for this book but Jimmy is a good guy. He said the book is useless but it's a nice thought. He said that he was going to throw it out. He said when you get something like this you're supposed to throw it out. He said he didn't have the heart to do that. He said he was going to read the book. He said he stuck it in the bathroom and started to read it. He said he doesn't believe in sitting on the bowl for long but he started to read the book. He said now the book is sitting there in his bathroom. He said he has a magazine rack in there. He said he doesn't read in the bathroom that much though. He said it's embarrassing when someone comes in to clean and that's there. He said he will eventually forget who sent it to him and throw it out.
Howard said Jimmy is a sweetheart. He said the guy is so busy and then he complains about being too busy but then he's out doing this Mark Twain thing for Jon Stewart. He said he doesn't get it. He said people are like vampires and will suck the life out of you. He said Billy Corgan wrote that song about how the world is a vampire. Robin said his view on humanity is very bleak. Howard said no wonder he's always depressed. He said he sees people as giant mosquitos sucking out your essence. Fred played Smashing Pumpkins ''Bullet with Butterfly Wings'' for Howard since he mentioned it. Howard said what a song. He said that's how he feels. He said he has so much rage and he is a rat in a cage. He did his impression of his mother complaining.
Howard said Billy Corgan will be on with Perry Farrell. He said they're going out on tour together so they'll be doing the show together. He said they'll do a little performance. Howard said he loves the ''Been Caught Stealing'' performance they did on the show. He said he loves that video. He said go watch it. He said the back up singer there is great. He said that there are comments there on the video complaining about that woman standing there. He said that she was doing a little dance back there. He said she had a belly shirt on. He said she's dancing around and she's looking at Perry's wife. He said he's imagining them getting it on back there.
Howard said he likes Perry's wife Etty too. He said she's hot. Howard said her name twice and Robin thought he was saying her name was Etty-Etty. Howard said that's not her name. He said it's just Etty.
Howard said he used to go to a store as a kid and he'd go to something like JC Penny. Robin said maybe it was Woolworth's. Howard said that's it. He said you could get snacks there. He said that's what he thinks Rooster is talking about. He said it wasn't a formal thing. He said it was just a local place to hang and it as kind of cool.
Rooster told Howard about the McDonald's that are in Walmart now. Howard sounded shocked by that.
Howard said he has to thank McDonald's. He said they haven't really been good to him over the years but he has to thank them. He said he has to hire people to take care of his mother and money is just going out the window. He said they think he should pay for everything. He said he had to set up an account for his mother to get food. He said his dad is too cheap to get her what she wants. He said that he asks him to get her the food she wants but he pretends that he doesn't know because he had a stroke. He said he should do the same thing when someone asks him for something.
Howard said his dad comes in and out of that stroke stuff. He said he will joke with people and then he acts like he can't speak when he comes in the room. He said he's a sucker so he feels bad for them. He said he can't do enough. He said they're ordering food and things for his parents. He said his dad had 3 hot dogs the other night. He said he was eating them up. He said the guy like the price.
Howard said his dad makes noises after eating now. He did an impression of what that sounds like. He said he sat his mother down. He said that she's like 80 pounds now. He said she's 94. He said she used to be a large woman. He said she doesn't even have her titties anymore. He said she had big tits. He said he asked where they went. He said that she said they're gone. Howard said they were all fat. He said all these years he was worked up over titties and it turns out they're just fat. He said it was weird looking at his mom and thinking about what size she is. He said she's lost so much weight. He said she demands all cotton pajamas. He said he had to step up and get her something. He said that she was showing him and when she pulled her shirt forward he didn't see any titties. He said he figured she lost all her tittie meat.
Howard said the doctor told him he had to get some calories into his mother. He said he knows she loves fries and milk shake. He said he got her some stuff from McDonald's. He said she says she doesn't need that stuff and she's really grumpy. He said she's 94 and if he gets to her age he's going to eat all kinds of shit. He said that's what he told her.
Howard said he got his mother some food from McDonald's. He said he got her fries a shake and McNuggets. He said it was 850 calories with the shake alone. He said that he had to say god bless McDonald's. He said those mother fuckers make a shake that will get your arteries hard. He said his mother loved that shake. He said he got her a pizza recently and she always asks ''What's that?'' He said it's just pizza. He said you can't fuck that up. He said that she'll still ask what it is. He said you tell her and she says ''What?'' He said she says she won't eat it but then she'll start to eat it. He said she makes a face like it's disgusting.
Howard said they got his mother a bunch of chocolate too. He said Beth gives it to her and his mom says ''What's that?'' Beth tells her what it is and she asks again what she said. He said it's fucking crazy. He said you can't just ask how she is. He said she's 94 and she will say wait until you get to that age and you'll see how it is.
Howard said he got his mom some headphones so she can hear him talk. He said it's so loud that it feeds back. He did an impression of what that sounds like. He had the feedback going and all of that.
Howard said his mother is spiritual and he brought in prayers for her that his daughter prepared for him. He said he got her some prayers and songs for her to listen to as well. He said it's fucking crazy. He said he has to do all of this into the microphone. He did an impression of what that all sounds like with the feedback and all.
Howard said no one dotes on their mother like he does. He said he got her all of this stuff and then Beth brings in the chocolate. He said it's Hershey's Kisses. He said Beth tells her what it is and she says ''Who wants that?'' He said Beth leaves it there and he's praying with his mother and then she starts eating the Kisses. He said someone asked if they should be giving her better nutrition. He said she's 80 pounds. He said they have to get her some calories.
Howard said he has to save his mother's life. He said she says she doesn't care. He said he had to say that the McDonald's is great. He said it's 850 calories and she's getting up and going to the bathroom. He said she was up and watching TV too. He said he hasn't watched it in months. He said she will scarf down some fries too and that's 450 calories. He said it's great. Rooster said she was saved by a McDonald's shake. Howard said they should have Ronald McDonald walk in and talk to her.
Howard said he knows what Rooster is talking about with the snack stand. He said that he wants that to come back. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard asked Jon Hein what he thinks about that. Jon said that the White Castle shake is 1000 calories. Howard said that's what his mother needs.
Erik told Howard what he's been eating and how got a part time job. Howard asked what the job is. Erik said he's working for his friend Tom who helps people get out of traffic tickets. He said he does account receivables and do the tickets. Erik said he gets to work from home. He said his friend is up in Syracuse.
Howard said here are guys who think they have to help someone with a job when there's no way someone could be employed. He said there are people who are willing to help the feeble people. He said that Erik is doing work that is not essential. He said if he messes it up it doesn't matter. He said he knows that Erik is feeble minded. Erik said he's a little bit slow but he's still smart. Howard said when they gave him an IQ test they found out he was feeble minded. He said he'd rather be slow than feeble.
Howard asked what he does for work. Erik told them what he does for work. He said that he checks email and he sends the mail to his friend if he finds someone needs help with a ticket. Howard said he heard that he's using a skinny filter on his Cameos now. Erik said absolutely not.
Howard said he heard that Erik got pepper sprayed in his car. Erik said he asked someone to move their car and he came up to him and pepper sprayed him. He said he has the video on his dash cam. He said the detectives have the video. Howard said he wants to see it. He said he has to see what happened. Erik said there is no audio. He said it was red pepper spray and his throat and left eye were irritated. He said the guy was fucking crazy. Howard said he's not sure if he was being a nudge or a gentleman. Erik said he was being a gentleman.
Howard let Erik go and asked Jon Hein if his memory is right about him ordering a milk shake from Chick-Fil-A once a week. Jon said he did. He said he saw Howard looking at that shake and he looked at it like he wanted it so badly. Howard asked how many calories that is. Jon said it's like 600 and something. Howard said that's what he's going to drink on his death bed. He said that's what he wants. Jon said he asked if he wanted to try it and he said no way. Howard said he can't be tempted like that. He said he would want to drink the whole thing.
Howard said Bill Maher has a new comedy special on HBO and he's doing stand up. He said he thinks he's the same age as he is and he has a flat stomach. He said he's trying to work out and do the right things but he can't get a flat stomach. He said he should look like a friggin Adonis. He said that his body never responded correctly to what he does.
Howard read about something Jon ate at dinner with the guys recently. He asked how he lives with that and diabetes. Jon said that what he eats does show on his body.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein audio book. The guys played some audio of Jon talking about ice cream and milk shakes. Howard hung up on them and talked to real Jon about going to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard every time. He asked Jon about turning the lights off when he has sex with his wife. Jon said of course he does. Howard said Jon's wife is really fit so it's an odd pairing. He said she's skinny and Jon is a big guy. He said that he'd love to see him crawl on top of her. He said someone said to him that Jon must eat all the food before she can get to it.
Howard said Jon is having fun in his life. He said that's what you should do. He said he sees that now that he's seen his mother and father.
Howard asked Jon if he takes any statins for his cholesterol or anything. Jon said his cholesterol is fine. He said he has high blood pressure so he does take something for that. He said he has to wear this pump 24/7 for the diabetes. He said that's not fun.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was in Florida for the week and he went to Golden Corral every day he was there. He said that it has so much food there. He said it has to be in Florida though. Howard asked Jon what he thinks about that place. Jon said they have a buffet and it's okay but it's more about getting as much as you want to eat. Howard said he used to love that Ponderosa place. He said you could have as much as you want there. He said he thinks they lost some money on him. He said he would just eat and eat. Jon said the pies and cakes are cut already and people just pile stuff on top of other pieces.
Howard said when he went to Ponderosa he'd get upset about people not eating what they took.
Richard said he used to go to Golden Corral every Sunday in Missouri. He said that he loved just watching people there. He said he'd take pictures of people there. He said he used to give pictures to Howard of people eating at Pizza Hut buffets.
Richard one time he saw a woman eat nothing but pie at Golden Corral. He said it was like 10 different pieces. Howard said they're monsters. He said they're not people. He said they figure it's free and they have to have it. He said they can't just have one piece. Robin said you don't go to a buffet for just one piece.
Gary said he stayed in a hotel once and they were on a club floor so they put out food. He said this one woman had a stick and he saw her put 15 donuts on the stick and bring them back to her room.
Richard said he went to a Chinese buffet in Florida. Howard said his parents used to go to those too. He said they didn't pig out like most people do. Richard said the one he went to got shut down for like 150 violations. He said they were putting the food from used plates back in the buffet. He said they found roach and other feces in the food.
JD said they have a chocolate fountain at Golden Corral. He told Howard what that was like. He said he thinks they stopped it during COVID. Howard said you know people's hands are going into it. Richard said he used to stick his hand in there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he it's the worst kind of people who are at Golden Corral. He said that they throw the food out by the truck. He said you should see the people there. He said they're so fat. Robin asked what he's doing there. The caller said that was a long time ago that he went. He said no thank you.
Howard said he thinks Fred was a big Ponderosa guy. JD said when he was a kid they went there like once a week. He said they had chicken wings and he loved them. Howard said he used to go to Tads and they got a good sized meal there. He described what they had there. Jon said they were still around not long before the pandemic. He said it was a good value for what you got.
Howard said Mike Trainor was in a Golden Corral commercial. Howard tried to talk to him about that but his microphone cut out. Howard said oddly his name is Mike but his Mic doesn't work.
Mike fixed his microphone and said that the food was so gross at Golden Corral that they had their food catered for the shoot. He said the commercial was kind of racist. He said they're in a car with a black couple and when they pass the Golden Corral the black people jump out to go to Golden Corral. Howard said he has to see that commercial.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was in a Golden Corral and some kids came into the bathroom when he was taking a shit. He said that he saw the kids through the door and he went up to the kids and asked if they thought that was funny. He said he told the parents what they did and the parents looked at them like they were going to kill them. He said that's the kind of stuff that happens there. Howard said he's never been to one. He thanked the guys for the stories.
Howard read some feedback about Gilbert Gottfried and the special they ran over the weekend after his death. He played some audio of Gilbert talking to Amy Heckerling's assistant.
Howard said fans were remembering their favorite moments on the show with Gilbert. He played some audio of Gilbert riffing on Kelsey Grammer's girlfriend having IBS.
Howard read more feedback about the people they've lost lately who were on the show.
Howard said people were wondering what the green drink Robin spilled before the show before vacation was. Robin said it's nothing that special. She said it's just a green drink. She said that she will never have a glass in there without a top on it again. They played Robin's scream reenactment too.
Howard said Robin has retired from singing but the fans sent in songs with Robin's screen in it. He played a few examples. Robin said she's glad she inspired something.
Howard said fans wrote in about Ronnie's vibrator sound. He said he had a new sex toy that makes sounds that were very unusual. He played what it sounds like. Howard read what the fans were saying and someone asked what it's called. Howard asked if anyone knows what the name was. Ronnie said it's called the Sweet Talker (By Cal Exotics).
Howard read more feedback about that sex toy. He said that the made an EDM remix with the sound from that toy. He played the song that the guys put together.
Howard said he was dancing to it. He said they tried it as a heavy metal song too. He said he doesn't know about that though. He played some of that song too.
Howard said they took the sound out to the people on the street. He played a clip of Memet out there asking people what they think the sound is. No one knew what it was. One woman said that only a sick person would use that on a partner. Another woman said that only a little pee-pee man would use that.
Howard asked if Ronnie has used it again. Ronnie said they have. He said it's a regular part of the room now. Howard said good for you Ron. He said he has to ended the show now. He said he has to pace himself and not burn out on the first day back. He said he'll do the Bachelor retrospective tomorrow. He wrapped up and ended the show around 10:15am.
Howard said he was up late last night watching Idol. He said he didn't see the whole thing. He said it became clear to him that when the kids get into the live competition they have to say they're great even if they're off key. He said the don't want to mess things up for the kids. He said he'd be honest with them about the songs they pick. He said when you have music on television it's always bad. He He about 15 years ago they figured out how to make musicians sound good in their studio. He said it took a lot of work and a lot of money to get it right but they sound good. He said the problem with American Idol is that when they use the house band it sounds awful. He said the kids who come out and sing alone with a guitar always win. He said the more you add in there the worse it sounds. He said TV compresses the sound so much that the kids have to yell over the music.
Howard said you see the people at home not voting for the kids who perform with bands. He said you have to just perform with one instrument or you'll lose. He said you'll see. He said he's a top notch judge and he knows. He said he was a good judge when he was doing that job. He said he had to be a phony at some point. He said he had to temper what he was saying at times. He said you have to do that with little kids. He said you can't tell them they suck.
Howard said the person who should win Idol is this woman named Leah Marlene. He said she's wacky but when she stands still and sings she's good. He said she almost looks presentable when she doesn't move her hands in a weird way. He said he'd say to her that she has to stop acting weird. He said calm the fuck down and behave yourself and that's his advice.
Robin asked why that one girl left the show. Howard said she was super good looking and she can sing so she went off to get her own thing. He said if she sign with American Idol she might as well sign her kids away too. He said it was such a bad contract. He said they sink their hooks into you like they own your life.
Howard said Leah Marlene did a Turtles song on the show. He said no one wants to hear that. He said it's just not for that show.
Howard said the judges on the show don't tell people when they're horrible. He said he can see Katy Perry biting her tongue at times.
Howard said there's a young kid named Fritz Hager who is good on the show too. He said that's his take on the whole thing. Robin asked if it's important. Howard said it is to him. He said he and Beth watch it together. He said there are only 5 million people watching the show though.
Howard said he didn't see the end of the show. He said he was handed a note saying there was a shocking elimination last night. He said he hasn't seen it. Howard said it's very hard to be a judge on those shows. He said you have to be negative. He said there are ways of saying things in a nice way. He said you have to be willing to do that.
Howard said he has never heard of this country guy who judges on Idol. He said you know Katy doesn't need the money. He said Lionel doesn't either. He said some of them just have to be on these judging shows. He said you can tell when they lower their salary to stay on a show. He said that happens on America's Got Talent. Robin said then there are people who are on The Masked Singer and that's all desperation. Howard said you need that gig if you work on that show. He said it means you're in trouble if you're on there. He said the judges on Dancing with the Stars are in that position too. He said he doesn't want to talk out of school but there were some people who came to him saying they had to take less money the next season if they wanted to stay on the show. He said he told them to tell them to go fuck themselves. He said if you're relying on that show you're in trouble. He said that they were thinking that he'd give up some of his pay for them. Howard said that's not happening. He said they were asking them to take a cut and he asked if they were out of their fucking minds. He said he told them he wanted a raise. He said they gave him a raise too. He said he'd be the only judge if he could get them to agree to that. Howard said he wasn't going to take a cut.
Howard said he didn't need that job. He said they can smell the desperation on you. He said he wasn't going to stay for less money. He said he wanted more. He said he told them to just stop it. He said if they want to cut you they'll cut you.
Howard said he was told that they were going to bring in a new crew the next season. He said he didn't care who he was sitting next to. He said it always fell apart though. He said they gave him some exciting names but then the people ran away when they heard the salary. He said he was laughing his ass off.
Howard said they say Luke Bryan makes 12 million a season. He said don't believe that. He said they have to have that wrong. He said he's never heard of the guy so he has no idea who he is. He said he enjoys country music but he has no idea who the guy is. He said he still doesn't know who that guy on The Voice is. He said they don't have to pay him anything. He said he thinks Lionel would do the show for free. He said they don't have to pay him anything.
Howard said he didn't know that Lionel was still around. He said he used to laugh at the negotiations there at America's Got Talent. He said they had a lot of disgruntled judges at the start of the season. Robin said Heidi Klum's daughter is a model now. Howard said that kid used to take his seat. He said it was annoying enough that they did the shoots at night and she'd bring her kids with her. He said her kids would be there running around. He said the other judge was there with her kids too. He said Mel B had her kids and Heidi had her's there. He said it was a lot of kids. He said one day he went to sit down and all of Heidi's kids were on his chair. He said she didn't tell them that he was working and they had to move. He said she just let them do whatever they want so they'll love her.
Howard said he remembers having to sanitize his chair because of those kids. He said they're lovely kids but he had very little interaction with them. Robin said she wondered if he had any recollection of them. Howard said he did and it was them taking his chair. He said he just wanted to sit his fat ass down in that chair.
Howard said The Equalizer gets more ratings than Idol. Howard said he had to stop watching that show. He said he must have watched 15 or 16 episodes. He said he couldn't take it anymore. He said he loves Queen Latifah but you don't see her beating anyone up. He said he's had her on the show and he loves her but not as the Equalizer. He said Denzel Washington was good as the Equalizer. He said he'd beat the shit out of these guys. He said it killed him watching the show. He said it would be like having JD as Batman. Robin said that you'd think that Queen Latifah would know that no one would believe her as the Equalizer. Howard said she's right.
Howard said when he was at America's Got Talent you see what goes on with the negotiation and you can smell the negotiation.
Howard said they say that Denzel is making a third Equalizer movie. He said he can't wait for that. He said Denzel is fabulous. Robin said what she loves about him is that he's reluctant and he tries to talk people out of getting involved with him. Howard said he always beats them up.
Howard said now that Queen Latifah has had so much success as that character that they're going to have Kathy Bates as Pretty Woman and Danny DeVito as Thor. He said Peter Dinklage will be playing Wilt Chamberlain in a new movie. Robin said Peter is playing Cyrano and she can't bring herself to watch it. Howard said Peter is a great actor. He said Disney was making a movie for Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. He said Peter came out saying he has done so much for little people and he was so upset. He said he got a lot of shit from other little people who were upset that he was trying to take their jobs away.
Howard said he's not sure who would win in a match up between Peter and Queen Latifah. He said maybe he knows karate. He said he can see a guy like that pulling a surprise move. He said he could chop her legs down with karate and then mess her up. He said he can't imagine that she can beat anyone up. He said no offense to her. He said the way he'd fight her is just run from her. He said he'd get her out of breath.
Howard said with all the shocking revelations in the trial it shows that it's a man's world. He said women are ready to take Johnny in now. He said they went out on the street and asked women if they'd take Johnny in. He played some audio of one of the guys out on the street asking women about Johnny and they were all for him.
Howard said many fans are upset with him. He said you're not allowed to be upset with him. He said you should just be a fan. He said they came down on him about what he said to Richard about the sympathy card he sent to him. He said he was just trying to help Richard. He said it wasn't right that he sent that card. He said his mother isn't dead. He said he gave Richard a break already anyway. He said he gave him a job. He said people told him he should apologize to Richard. Robin said Richard had a higher IQ than Sal. Howard said he did have a high IQ.
Howard said they talked about Walmart food courts and Golden Corral. He said Richard's story made people sick. He read some comments about that. He said people were grossed out by his spider in the ear story too.
Robin said there are some places she drives by and she just gets the feeling to not go there. She said Golden Corral is one of those places. Howard said he'd probably go there.
Howard read some comments about the Hallmark movies that he talked about yesterday. He said that he saw one yesterday with some good looking people in it. There was one person who wanted him to produce a movie for the Hallmark channel. Howard said he's not looking for that. He said he'd find the best looking people and put them in it if he did it though.
Howard said he made the point yesterday about the acting in these Hallmark movies is like acting in porn. He said it's really bad. He said he has some clips to compare. He said he has Hallmark and porn clips. He played one and had Robin guess which one it was. Robin guessed that it was porn. It was a woman out of breath whining about something. Robin was right. Howard said it was called Miss Lick. Howard said he actually watched that movie and it was pretty good.
Howard played another clip from that same movie where they were talking about squirting and end up doing stuff to each other.
Howard played another clip from a movie and had Robin guess if it was a Hallmark or porn movie. Robin said that wasn't much of a clip. Howard asked what he's going to do. Robin said that has to be a Hallmark movie. Howard said she's right. He said it's called South Beach Love.
Howard played another clip and had Robin guess what it was. Robin said that one has to be a porn movie. Howard said she's right. Howard said it's from Brazzers.com. He said it was called Cockblock Mom. Howard played more of that movie where this mom got it on with her daughter's boyfriend or something.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn and asked if she thinks he should be back. Mariann said she thinks it should be over. She said she has to hear from him every day about this ban. Howard said they gave her the job that Ralph was supposed to be taking and she was very tough with Bobo. Mariann said she loves the show and takes her job serious. She said he has to follow the rules and not call in saying stupid things.
Howard said Bobo practiced with Mariann and he has some recordings of them working together. He played a clip of Bobo asking his questions with Mariann. She had some good advice for Bobo about the question he wanted to ask on his return.
Robin said she was thinking about Bobo and she hasn't missed him. Howard said it's funny she said that. He said it's only been 3 months and he doesn't think anyone missed him.
Howard said Mariann cut Bobo off when he would drone on and on. He played an example of that. She cut him off because he was droning on and on. He called it his ''backdrop'' for his question. Mariann had Bobo tighten up one question about how he came up with channel 100 for his show.
Howard said Mariann has the patience of a saint. He said she did a good job with that. Robin said she loved how he was giving the ''backdrop'' of his story. Howard said it's background, Bobo.
Howard said Bobo has a history of asking things that he's already talked about on the show. He said Mariann gave him advice about that too. He played a clip of Mariann talking to Bobo about those type of questions.
Howard said he's going to put Bobo on in a minute and see what he came up with. He said that none of his questions were up to Mariann's standards. He played another clip of Bobo telling Mariann about one of his questions. He was asking what kind of pecking order there is when you have someone over to dinner. Mariann told him it was a stupid ass question.
Mariann said she told Bobo to pick a good question today but she has no idea what it is. Howard said if you don't have a question just sit and listen to the show. He said on a day when you have a good question then call in. He said you don't have to be on the air just to be on the air.
Howard said Bobo tried to pitch a segment for the show and Mariann wanted none of it. He played a clip of Bobo pitching the Friday Happy Hour show. Mariann said that's not a question. She said they've been there, done that.
Mariann said she's almost at the point where she has to take time off the show herself to not let Bobo get on. Howard said point taken. Howard said they have to wrap this up. He said Bobo came up with a question that Mariann didn't hate. He played a clip of Bobo taking about the new Munsters movie and if Howard thinks it should be in black and white or color. Mariann said she thinks Howard would like that question.
Robin asked how long that took to get a good one. Mariann said there was so much behind the scenes. She said it's all about Bobo too. She said that's what she's trying to get him away from.
Howard said Bobo has had some good questions over the years. He said it's maybe 5. He said his batting average isn't high but he keeps trying. Robin said she thinks Mariann was getting somewhere with him. Howard said no one bats zero. He said sometimes he does hit a home run.
Howard said he's going to get Bobo on now. He let Mariann go. He got Bobo on the line and he was upset that Robin didn't miss him. Robin said she's missing him now. Howard asked Bobo to go ahead. Bobo said he has a question he crafted. He said not every photographer can draw it all. He asked if his love of photography has elevated his art. Howard said he zoned out. Fred was doing his Bobo voice and goofing on his speech impediment. He had a hard time getting out the words photographer and drawing.
Howard said he's glad to have him back. He said he had his punishment and now he's back. Bobo said it wasn't easy. He said he felt like a fish out of water. He said mentally it was the toughest thing for him. He said he has a life but he loves the show so much that he has to come up with stuff. He said he tries to come up with material.
Howard took a call from fake Bobo's wife who said it was tough having him all to herself without Howard. She said he was asking her stupid questions all the time. She told Howard some of the question he was asking for the past 3 months. Howard said he was practicing getting back on the air. Bobo's wife sounds just like Bobo but female. She had the exaggerated speech impediment.
Howard asked Bobo if he had a backup question. Bobo said he did. He asked Howard if he could go back in time and host a dinner party with the great friend of the show who are no longer with us, who would make the top 10 list. Howard said he wants to answer the channel 100 question. He said there's no dial there so he doesn't care about the center of the dial. He said he wanted channel 1 but that was taken. He said if he can't get 1 then he'd want 100. He said it's easy to remember. He said that's why he wanted it. He said that's the only reason he went with that. He said Bobo confused the Scott Shannon story about Z-100 and how easy that was to get to because it was in the middle of the dial. He said he didn't pick 100 because of that.
Howard said welcome back to Bobo. Mrs. Bobo said that he's just encouraging him to ask more stupid questions. She said please help her. She asked him to stop with the stupid questions.
Bobo said Howard had Mad Dog Russo on last year and he had told him that he wanted to do the show under the influence of Gummies. He asked him to make that happen. Howard said he thought they were wrapping up. Bobo said he had it on his legal pad and wanted to ask about it. Howard said the guy who invented Legal pads must be upset that Bobo is using them for this.
Howard asked Bobo Puppet if he has anything to say. He talked to fake Bobo's wife a little bit and then asked Howard a stupid question. Everyone was doing their Bobo sniff and goofing on him. Howard let everyone go after that. They played Bobo off with a song parody from Jay and Roddy. Howard went into a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's Leslie West and Mountain. He said it brings him back to his youth. He said he was watching American Idol last night late so he's dragging his ass a little this morning. Robin asked what Ryan Seacrest makes. Howard said 12 million. He said he deserves it. He said he does a good job. He said a woman performed without shoes on and Ryan came walking out with no shoes on. He said that's brilliant comedy right there. He said he's sure that it had to be lighting speed that he was working at. He said that's why they pay him the big bucks. He said the laughter he evoked in his house. He said he was laughing so hard at that. He made his ''Ha, ha'' laugh that he does when he finds something so funny. He said they don't pay that guy enough.
Howard mentioned Jerrod Carmichael and Jon Hein said that he's pronouncing it wrong. Howard said he's been saying Jerrod. They thought he was saying it like Gerard. Howard said he's got an accent but he's been saying Jerrod.
Howard said he has Jeff Fisher on the line and he claims to be the head of the Hallmark movies. Howard got Jeff on the line and asked him what piece of equipment they use to capture the pictures on set. Jeff said it's a camera. Howard said he's right. He said of course he meant camera.
Howard asked what he can do for him. Jeff said he wants to agree with him about the movies and the good looking people. He said life is tough and you want to get swept away in a fantasy. Howard asked what he's saying. Jeff said that people want to escape and he was agreeing with him on that. Howard said of course. He said sometimes they don't put attractive people in these movies. He said that he wants them to stay with hot people. Jeff said they can have great looking people and great actors too. Howard said he's going to repeat himself so he's on the same page. He said taking people who look like regular people and put them in a romantic comedy is horrible.
Robin asked if you have a serious subject can you have a regular cast. Howard said of course. He said there's plenty of that. He said some action stars are like that. He said Chuck Norris was no beauty. He said he was a regular looking guy. He said Charles Bronson looked like he was in a bad accident. He said people would watch it and it was terrific. He said he was a guy getting revenge. He said there's a place for regular people. He said if you're going to have a Pretty Woman movie you have to have a pretty woman. He said there's room for people who are unattractive.
Howard said Paul Giamatti is a great actor but he's no George Clooney. He said Steve Buscemi is a great actor but his eyes are in two time zones. Robin said she would like to see him in Pretty Woman. Howard said no she wouldn't.
Howard said he learned nothing from that call. He let Jeff go. He said he was just agreeing with what he said about good looking people.
Howard asked Michael to refresh his memory about the gay sex party thing. Michael said this was right before COVID. He said he went to this place in Brooklyn that had about 75 people. He said he did more watching than anything. He said he told him last time what happened when he went in. He said they take all of your clothes and put it on a rack so you can come back and pick it up. He said they had food and snacks there and some semi-private areas. He said there were people having sex all over the place.
Howard said men were walking around with boners from what he remembers. Michael said that's right. He said he manned up and got used to it. He said he had some interesting conversations while he was naked too. He said he talked about Medicaid for all while he was naked.
Howard asked if no one approached him at the party to have sex. Michael said people did come on to him but they were very respectful. He said he learned a lot about the cues that come on there. He said he learned about the way they turn you away by tapping twice. He said that he did get turned down. Howard asked how that can be when he's so good looking and hairless. Michael said there's a lid for every pot. He said that some guys might not be into his type.
Howard wondered if Chris saw this guy and if he would double tap this guy or blow him. Chris got on and said that he never saw the pictures. He said he's not sure why a bunch of straight guys are looking at them and not showing him. Howard said maybe he can look at them now and evaluate. Chris said he's not sure what these guys are doing with them. Howard said suddenly everyone is gay.
Gary asked if they want Jason to put them up now for everyone to see. Howard said sure. Chris saw them and said he's gorgeous. Chris said Mike is good. He said he looks older. Mike said he's 39. Chris asked if he's a grower. Mike said he is.
Howard answered a knock at the door which was fake George Takei. George said he needs those pictures right now. He said he's an old man and time is precious. He said he needs to see them. He asked why he was not alerted to when they came in. Howard said it's odd that Chris and George didn't get them.
Michael was wondering if he should use an alias or not. Howard said he thinks that's fine. Chris said that Mike is award guy. He said he hates to say it but there's something off about him. He said he was talking about the snacks at the sex party. He said he was talking about Medicaid too. He said that's odd. Howard said he's right. Mike said that he feels comfortable talking to Howard but it's a bit unnerving. He said it's throwing him off a bit.
Chris said that Ralph is upset he didn't get to see the photos too. Howard said he has to declare if he's gay or straight. He asked what's going on there. He said he's getting suspicious about him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's on his way to a gay sex orgy right now. the guy said he's on his way to a gang bang. Howard asked Henry what's up with that. He asked what a gay gang bang is all about. Henry said this is a straight gang bang. Howard hung right up on the guy. He said he thought this was a gay gang bang.
Michael said that the guys at the fire house were coming up to him one by one and they were cool. He said he ran for local office last year and the fire department made a statement about him not being at ground zero. He said he doesn't think they would have done that if he wasn't openly gay. Howard said it's not easy to be a gay man and a fire fighter in New York. He said he had to prove himself and it could be because he was gay. He said it can't be easy to stay closeted. He said he's proud of him. He said as far as his penis goes he's not sure what Chris is talking about. Chris said that there's something suspicious about one of the photos too. He said the stapler is a baby stapler. He said it's like the smallest one you can find. Michael said it's the one he had there.
Howard said he has to look at this photo. He said he's looking at the stapler. He said it is kind of small. Chris said it's kind of small.
Michael said that he said his penis is 7.5 inches around and 7.5 inches long. He said he didn't want to send boner pictures though. Howard said it seems to him he has a good sized penis. Chris said he has a nice hang and nice balls but the stapler was a weird thing.
Howard said Ralph is demanding to see the pictures. He took his call. Ralph said that Chris was complaining to him. He said he jokingly said he thought he was going to send them to him. He said he thinks Chris is holding back with this guy. He said he thinks this is the kind of person who disgusts Chris. Chris said he's not doing that. He said he's not saying the guy is giving them a bad name or anything. He said he probably wouldn't date a guy like this. He said he doesn't want to be in that world of gay sex parties. He said he would like someone who is hung and they don't want to go to gay sex parties.
Howard said he thinks he knows what Chris is looking for. He said he thinks Michael is looking for the same thing. He said he didn't partake in the orgy. Robin asked if this guy is running for office why is he doing all of this stuff. Howard said he wants more public officials to come out like this. He said he wants to know they're not all pent up. Michael said that did occur to him. He said he's openly gay though so he has nothing to be ashamed of.
Howard said the problem with politicians is that they all act high and mighty but all he wants is honesty. He said we're all animals. He said that when he ran for governor he said he masturbates several times a week and he told them what kind of porn he watches. He said he knew he'd get caught.
Howard asked Chris if this is the penis of a future congressman. Chris said sure. He said that his penis is a proud penis. Chris said there's also a picture of him with Hillary Clinton. Michael said that's right. He said he's in his fire fighter gear. Chris said he's also with the Pope. He said he didn't even notice that one.
Howard said on the phone is someone who is in the middle of their house being on fire. The caller asked if anyone can come put his fire out. He said he needs a full stapler dick fire fighter to put the fire out.
Howard asked if George has any final words. George said he can trade his DVD of Allegiance for those photos. Howard said they'll talk about that.
Michael said that he has done very well for himself even after losing his father as a young child. He said Howard was a big influence on him. He said he taught him a lot of important things about working and staying away from lottery tickets and acid. He said he learned a lot. Howard said good thing he used him that way. He said he kept him away from lottery tickets and acid. Michael said he shows up to work early every day too. He said that's because of Howard.
Chris asked who took the picture of his dick. Michael said he's dating someone who took it.
Michael asked why Howard stopped having Gilbert Gottfried on the show. Howard said he loved Gilbert and he was a big fan of his. He said he promoted him a lot when he was on the show. He said he put him in Son of the Beach and on TV. He said that its not that mysterious about what happened. He said you just move on to different people. He said you go in different directions. He said people thought he pissed him off or something but that's not the case. He said Gilbert did spit in the cupcakes there but that's not why he wasn't on the show. He said Gilbert was a genius and he made them laugh so hard. He said they're playing his tapes over and over again because he was so good. He said there are many people like that who have been on the show. He said there's nothing controversial about why he wasn't on the show.
Howard said he was so fond of Gilbert that when he got sick and had to go to the hospital for his appendix he tried to help take care of his needs. He said that he was very fond of Gilbert. He said that he has never done that for anyone else.
Robin asked Howard what he thinks about the afterlife and if Gilbert is up there laughing. Howard said he'd like an afterlife but he doesn't think there is one. He said he was thinking about Ivan Reitman and how he would love to know that his talent is somehow preserved in the afterlife. He said that he doesn't think there is one though. He said everyone likes to think there is something after but they just made it up with these religions. Fake George said that if there is an afterlife he'd like to come back as Michael's stapler.
Howard let everyone go after that. He said that Michael is a very brave man. Robin said they lost a fire fighter in New York this week and it's a very tough job.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they're going to get Jimmy Fallon on the show to do the Jerry Seinfeld bit. Howard said he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about. He let him go.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever beat off while he was in school. Howard said not in a public place. Howard said that would be perverse. The caller said at 13 you're in your prime. Howard said never jerk off in public. He said he can empty that endless cylinder of jizz at home. He said that's ridiculous.
Jason said he was about to take his mask off but someone was there with their mask on so he kept his on that day. He said the next day no one was wearing one. He said he does wonder what he's doing. Howard said it seems like it's peer pressure. Jason said it's partly that. He said he follows the CDC and what they say. He said they're lifting the mandates and he's not sure what they're doing.
Howard said he thinks the right wing maniacs are taking over the mental asylum and politicians are afraid to keep mask mandates. Howard said he was watching a video where people were cheering and applauding when they lifted the mandates on a flight. He said he thought people would want to wear one on a plane.
Robin said they say that they have the best filtration system on planes. She said they say they're safe.
Howard said at their office they have employees coming back and the guys are coming back to the city for the first time. Howard said a small group of staffers went back on a Thursday a few weeks ago. He said no one wore masks. He asked if they wanted to and they felt weird about it so they didn't. He asked JD if he wanted to wear one. JD said he kept it on until he got into the office. He said no one was there so he took it off. He said no one else was wearing one. He said his office is farther down from everyone else. He said he had that luxury. He said he has no issues wearing one or not. He said he will wear one if people are around him. He said he just kept it off. JD said the NBC people were in the elevator and none of them were wearing masks. Howard said he doesn't get it.
JD went out to eat with Jon Hein and Jon Blitt the other night. JD said they wore masks in the Uber they took. Howard asked JD about going back to work and having his lunch stolen. JD said it was. He said he learned how to use the Chipotle app and he went to pick up some food. He said he went down to get it and the bag was gone. They had to remake his food for him.
Howard took a call from Harvey Leeds who was at the Phish concert. He said that you have to show your vaccination card. He said that he went into the concert wearing a mask. He said that he went to a friend's house on Sunday and she told him he looked like shit. He said it turns out that he had COVID. He said he got the overnight test and he's got COVID. Howard said he has friends who have it and they're having a tough time. Harvey said that he knows more people with COVID now than 2 years ago. He said he lost 2 friends back then. He said people make fun of you for wearing a mask. Howard asked how he got it if he was wearing the mask. Harvey said he doesn't know. He said he wore his mask and he can't say how he got it. He said he's not sure he got it at the Phish show or on the street there in New York. He said there are more people just not wearing their masks than being cautious.
Howard said he's sorry to hear that he's sick. Harvey said he's got 2 friends with it right now and he has it 2 years later. He said this shit storm isn't over. He said he's coughing a lot and he's coughing so hard his ribs hurt. He said it's not terrible but it's not pleasant. He said he has no fever. He said it's like having a bad head cold but you have to hibernate for 5-10 days. Howard said he's lucky he has mild symptoms. He told him to hang in there.
Howard asked Jon Blitt and Jason about going to the Phish concert. He said Jason may be sick. Jason said he hasn't taken a test yet. He said the show was great but not worth catching COVID for. Blitt said it was a good time. Jason said that they didn't share joints though. He said he's not sure what was going on with Harvey but he wasn't sharing anything. Jon said they got a private box there. He said it was a friend of Jason's.
Howard asked about Jon Hein and what he ate at Peter Luger's. Jon said he did have the big sundae at the end but it was maybe just 1/4 of it. He said Blitt has very expensive tastes when it comes to alcohol. He said JD was messed up when he got there. JD said not when he got there. Blitt said they had champagne at his apartment. Howard said it seems like he's turning into an alcoholic. Blitt said it's not that bad. He said they did have a bottle of champagne though. He said JD slept over that night too. Howard asked what's going on with the expensive dinners. He asked who picks it up. The Jon's said that they split the bill. Hein said it cost him a little under $300.
Howard asked JD about his drinking. JD said he had like 6 glasses of wine. He said there was a lot of time there. JD said he wasn't eating Gummies or anything but Blitt said he did have a mint. Howard said JD is telling him he had all of this alcohol and a pot mint. JD said it was a 5mg mint. He said he had that back at his place. He said they both passed out while watching Dumb and Dumber. Howard asked what happened to JD. JD said he figures that in moderation things are fine.
Jason said years ago JD was really against pot. He said he was over at his apartment and he wanted to smoke a bowl and JD went out in the hall to wait so he wasn't around the pot. JD said that things are fine. He said if he had a problem people would let him know.
Howard asked if JD is drinking every night. JD said it's not every night. Blitt said he thinks it is.
Howard asked Hein what he ate at Peter Luger's. Jon said they got two steaks. He said they split it. Howard said imagine that poor cow. He said what a waste of a life. He said JD is going to shit you out. Robin said there's a lot of that in nature.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was at the concert couple masked and she's getting a PCR test. Her phone was cutting out so Howard hung up on her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was at the concert all four nights and he was masked but he got COVID anyway. Howard asked if the masks are doing annoying. Jason said it's Madison Square Garden so it's almost impossible to not get something there. He said it's 20,000 people. The caller said he took his mask down when he went to the bathroom. Howard said that's how he got it.
Hein said that people are feeling safe after being fascinated but there are people who get the fourth booster and they still get it. He said he and Howard know that it's not safe out there. Howard said he has a friend who got it and he got the flu on top of it. He said they're having a bitch of a time with it all. He said they lost their sense of taste and smell too. He said it's not a walk in the park. He said it's crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been reading on Twitter what happened at Madison Square Garden and how it was like a super spreader concert.
Howard took a call from a woman whose connection was really bad. Howard asked she's in a tsunami. She said she's in her car. She tried to make it better but Howard hung up on her.
The caller said she makes good money from being a podcaster. She said it does happen. Howard said alright, okay. She told JD to get checked for this NVLD thing. She said just talk to someone. Howard said he can't believe she's making money with a podcast. He said he can't stand listening to her. He said that she just talks so fast. The caller said she talks slower on her podcast. Howard said she never takes a breath. The caller said she's doing fine with her podcast. She said she has a book out too. Her name was Lisa. Howard said he's in a 2 minute call with her and he's ready to jump out a window.
Lisa said she's also attractive. Howard asked who she looks like. She said she doesn't know. She said she's 5'10'' and 140 pounds. She said she's a D cup and she's natural. Howard asked if he would see cellulite on her legs if she was in a bikini. She said maybe a little bit. Lisa went on and on about how good looking she is.
Lisa said her book is about sexual health. Howard asked if she's saying she's good at sex. She said she is but that's not what the book is about. She said it's more about food and sexual health. She said it's all based on science.
Howard asked Lisa what would happen if he was with her in bed. Lisa told him what she'd be wearing and said she'd have boots on. Howard said he hates boots. He said it's too much work to take boots off. He said he doesn't need work in the bedroom.
Howard said he and Beth did it yesterday. He said that she got her clothes right off and they got right to it. Lisa said her daughter has a figure like Beth's but she's just 17 so she shouldn't talk about that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said there's no way this woman is hot. He said she probably has big sloppy D-cups. Howard asked Jason to get this woman's picture so he can see it. Jason said he'll get it from her off air. Lisa asked if she can say the name of her podcast. Howard said he doesn't care but no one is going to listen to it. Ralph asked what she made last year. She said 80,000. Howard said he doesn't believe it.
Jason said he has a picture. Lisa said she has to approve it. Howard saw her and said he has to go. He said she's not a 9. Jason said this is her out in front of the building holding her book. Howard said she's okay but she's not Julia Roberts. He said she's attractive. Lisa said she's 55 years old now and she was 53 in that picture. Howard said he has to go. He said try to be more modest.
Robin said Howard would have died in high school to get that girl. Howard said he would do that now. He said he undersells himself so that way people are surprised. He said he paints himself as a 2 and then people are happy when they see him and he's a 4.
Howard took a call from someone who met Jason at the Phish concert. The guy was in the hospital coughing.
Blitt said that he filmed a cooking show with JD and that will be coming out soon. He said he has a lot of charisma. He said he recorded him making a sandwich and it was incredible. He said it was his true self and he can't wait for people to see this. Howard said he hopes it'll be on the app. Blitt said they released it on Yammer and he will have it available for them soon. Blitt kept saying that JD was a latch key kid over and over. JD said he keeps saying it and it's annoying. He said he also said he watched Julia Child and he never did.
Howard said he heard that the cooking show shows that JD uses a lot of mayonnaise. Jason said he loves mayo but he never used as much as JD does. JD said you put it on the bread and on the cheese and meat.
Jason said this show is great. He said that it was so complicated but the sandwich was so simple. JD said they did this the morning after Peter Luger's so he was hung over.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said people seem to be okay with getting COVID now. He said you still have to be careful. He said look at what happened to Howard's parents. He said they're a mess now. Howard said he has friends who have the long term effects and it's not good. He said he's not sure why people take off their masks like Jason did at the concert. Robin said that Jason was able to get a Vaccine early and he's throwing caution to the wind now.
Jason said that Ralph has been out without a mask on in supermarkets and stuff. He said he has pictures to share with the crew. He said he has them. Ralph said that's fake news. He said he's thinking Jason wants to get it. He said don't make it like he's attacking him. He said he just doesn't get it. Jason said he gets it. He said in his head he's going into work and if he's doing all of this stuff then why deny yourself a concert. He said he will be very upset with himself if he has it. Ralph asked if he's going on the subway without a mask. Jason said he is. He said the mask mandates are gone. Howard said that's his choice. Hein said that's a personal choice. He said he has seen the pictures of Ralph without a mask on in the supermarket. Jon said he's taking chances and some people want to stay at home and some want to take chances. Ralph said it seems odd that people seem to be forgetting what's going on.
Jason asked Ralph why he was mask less in his friend's restaurant without a mask on. Ralph said the place as closed and it was during COVID and no one was around. He said he took it off to have a drink or something. He said by the way he wouldn't go to a Phish concert if they were handing out 20 dollar bills.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this COVID is real. He said he's triple vaxxed and he got a blood clot from getting COVID. He said it's no shit. He said it's real. He said he masks when he goes to work. He said he's doing whatever he can. Howard said not everyone is so lucky. He said that he got a clot. Blitt said his dad just got it and he's 93. Howard said he thinks his mother is doing a little better now. He said she wanted to die. Hein said he's glad that McDonald's was able to help. Howard said that's right. He said 850 calories with the shake.
Howard said he saw that the ladies at work are wearing their masks. He said that Jason wore it around them but not around the guys. Jason said that he was going with what was happening there with the other people.
Howard said he heard that at the building they took away the free sodas. He said the pulled a fast one. He said he was impressed with the company giving free pretzels for the employees. He said that some people took advantage of that like Benjy. He said they had free sodas there too. Robin said they had water and coffee too.
Hein told Howard about what he saw when he got back to work and how the soda was all gone. JD said he was there and saw him react to that. He said he just said 'Un-fucking-believable.'' Jon said it was nice to go in there and get a soda. He said that he was bummed about it.
Howard said he heard that the sodas were moved to the executive area and they're the only ones allowed to have it. Jason said it's not even in an executive area. He said it's in a common area. Jason said they have a big stop sign on it and it says its for executives only. Howard said that seems bad for morale. He said that might not be a good thing there.
Howard asked who can have that soda. He said Jennifer Witz must be able to have one. He said that Sal walked in and grabbed a soda. He said he didn't see a note. He said the sign was put up for him. He asked if anyone is just going to grab one. Blitt said he'll take them all and hide them if he wants.
Howard said that Ross Zapin might get a soda. Jason said he would be shocked if he didn't have access. Howard said he's not an executive but if he wants a soda he's going to walk in and get one. Howard asked if here are cameras in there. He said there are and he didn't know that. Jason said that they do have a security guard in that area now. He said he can't say if that's because of the soda or not.
Howard took a call from fake Jennifer Witz who was gargling sodas. She had a bunch of different ones she was tasting. She said no more for the employees. She said she's washing her feet in Hawaiian Punch. She said welcome back to the office suckers. She was joking about giving them their Christmas gift which was just a sip of one drink. She wished Jason luck with that COVID stuff. She said no more lights in the building either. She said bring a flashlight. She said bring your own soap too. Jason said she's not joking about that. He said there's no soap in the bathroom.
Howard asked Jon if he's really upset about the soda. Jon said he just has to work harder and maybe he'll get access to that refrigerator. Robin said it's like Squid Games in the office.
Howard said he's sure they saw Benjy taking all the pretzels. He said that's probably why they stopped the free stuff. He said there are people who have to take whatever they can when they have free stuff. He said those people ruin it for everyone. Hein said he as just drinking it like a cup of coffee. He said he wasn't taking it just to take it. Howard said he gets it.
Howard said he's looking forward to Jon Blitt's show with JD. Blitt said they do have free food for the employees but it's small stuff. Howard said he's never seen it.
Howard said they had a busy show today. He said they learned nothing. Robin said they learned that they're back at the office and risking COVID. Howard said he has a lot he didn't get to today. He did a live commercial read and ended the show around 10:05am.
Howard started the show talking about how he woke up at 4 in the morning with a muscle cramp in his calf. He said it still hurts. Robin said that's a mineral that's missing from his diet. Howard said he must not be eating enough bananas. He said he always gets advice for stuff like that. He said they really hurt. He said he can't yell because his wife is in bed next to him. He said the pain is really bad. He said he's limping around this morning not being able to shake it. He said if he walks around it will go away. Robin said it usually hits you at night in your sleep. She said she's not sure why that is.
Howard said he has to get things started because he has Jerrod Carmichael coming in at 9 today. He said a lot of fans wrote in yesterday about COVID-19. He said they haven't had that conversation for a long time. He said he has people telling him he talks too much about it. He said they tell him to get out of the house. He said yesterday they were talking about the company's policy on free soda at the workplace. He said a lot of thought went into that. He said they only let executives take advantage of the free soda. He said they have a camera on it now.
Robin said many companies have a lot of free stuff happening for their employees but no more soda for them. Howard said they were talking about how COVID has killed almost a million people here in the States. He said Jason went to the Phish show at Madison Square Garden and no one was wearing masks. He said the fans think he was stupid for even going. He read some comments from the fans about that. There were a lot of people who were coming down on Jason for going there without a mask.
Howard said he shouldn't goof on Phish since he's not even familiar with their music. Fred played some for him and he had him cut it off pretty quick.
Howard said Jason took an in home test and got tested. Jason said he took that but he went to the doctor and he does indeed have COVID. Howard said he heard him talking yesterday and figured he had it. Jason said he's got no one to blame but himself. He said he did that stupid move where he had a fun weekend and now he regrets it. Howard said his friends did that too. He said they got fucked up. Jason said he got 2 and a half years of getting away from it but now he's got it and it's mild symptoms. He said he did get to see Phish and it was an awesome show. He said they were great shows. He said nothing is worth getting COVID for but they were great. Howard said he doesn't get how he throws in the towel for a Phish show.
Howard said the irony is that the Phish shows were rescheduled from December to April to avoid COVID. He said it's unavoidable now. Robin said they say that about 50 percent of the country has had COVID at one time or another. Howard said Jason went to a Nitrous balloon party after the concert. Jason said he didn't do the nitrous but he did go to the party. He said it was very weird. He said it was an interesting scene. He said he was talking to this woman and she was telling them that she helps people get off drugs. Howard said she must have been doing research.
Howard asked if nitrous is the thing that changes your voice. Jason said it's the stuff you get at the dentist. Robin said they call it laughing gas. Jason said he's not sure what happens with it since he didn't do it. He said it seemed too normal to him. He said the people would just tell stories and go on with them after huffing this stuff.
Howard said Sal likes that stuff. Sal got on and said it mellows you out. He said it doesn't last long though. Howard said it's terrible for you health wise. He said they call it Hippy Crack. Sal said he's heard that. Howard said you just keep huffing it all night. Sal said it is addictive. He said once it's done you keep refilling it. He said he's done 8-10 a night. He said they're really big balloons too. Howard asked if life is that terrible that you have to do that to get through the night. Sal said yes. He said he doesn't smoke pot or anything. He said he can't do edibles. He said he gets nervous and can't speak on them. He said this works for him. He said it's euphoric. He said his friend is so addicted that he purchased a nitrous tank for his living room. He said he goes to refill the tank in a parking lot. He said he helps him lift the tank since he has a bad back.
Howard asked if it's considered legal to have that tank. Sal said he's not sure. Jason said that stuff is all over the streets. He said people were everywhere doing it after the concert.
Sal said the balloons are COVID spreaders. He said that people share them all and it's disgusting. Howard asked if he ever worries that he's going to die from doing it. Sal said he cares but he doesn't do it much. He said he hasn't done it in about a month. He said he'll go to a party and do it there. Sal said it doesn't seem to be dangerous to the people who have done it.
Howard read about how it can kill brain cells. He said Will Murray had a friend who did it and passed out while driving. Will said that it's bad for you. He said his friend was driving down the highway and did it and passed out and then totaled his car. Sal said he'd recommend waiting at least 10 minutes before driving. He said the high only lasts about a minute or so. He said you still feel light headed for 5 minutes or so. He said the high is amazing.
Howard asked Wolfie what he knows about this. Wolfie said a few years back he covered a Phish show concert and they had 6 foot tall tanks in their vans. He said if you sit back and watch you see the cops walking around looking for the tanks. He said he has seen guys at the show who huff this stuff and pass out. He said you see their heads hit the ground and split open. He said it's dangerous. Sal said they make a lot of money selling the balloons. He said they sell for like $20 each.
Howard asked Sal if he has ever considered leaving the show and selling nitrous balloons. Sal laughed and said no.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has been to about 140 Phish shows and gone to the nitrous parties. He said the sensation he gets is like a dream state. He said you can go deep into your mind and go back to your childhood. He said you get these sensations that everything is followed by a ''wah-wah-wah'' like sound.
The caller said there's like a nitrous Mafia scene at the concerts too and people have been killed over it. He said they have their own areas and they will take people out at least in Philadelphia. Howard asked why he doesn't move a tank into his living room. The caller said he had a tank but he couldn't leave it alone so he had to get on with his life and gave it to someone else. Howard said he gave it up to get away from it. The caller said they put a hose right off the tank so they didn't have to fill a balloon. He said they just used the hose instead.
Howard said how about that Sal. Sal said his friend has been looking into getting an oxygen mask to hook up to the tank. He said when this guy has a party he keeps his house locked because everyone will come in. He said it's like a crack house. He said everyone sits around the couch and does it. He said it's like a circus with balloons everywhere.
Howard said it says here that nitrous oxide is not a controlled substance but it is illegal to use it the way they're talking about. The caller said that automotive nitrous is more dangerous than the medical level stuff. He said people will huff that too though.
Howard said it says here that some users put plastic bags over their heads while inhaling it. He asked the caller if he has done that. The guy said he hasn't but they had a water bong they would use to use the nitrous to pull the weed smoke through it. He said it was a pretty intense high.
Sal said there are people who coach you how to use nitrous and they'll teach you how to hold it in the right way to get a good high. The caller said you can get some nitrous on Amazon to sample it. He said that way you don't get involved with the nitrous Mafia. Howard said it sounds dangerous to him. He said he knows he'll end up dead just trying it once. He said he'd end up like Len Bias. He said he doesn't do any of this shit. He said look at how happy he is.
Robin said she's shocked that Jason didn't do it. She said he's a pot head and didn't want that high. Jason said not that high.
Howard said he has some clips of people doing nitrous balloons at a Phish show. He played a couple of clips of Wolfie talking to people about what they were doing. One guy was talking about the sound you hear while he's high.
Howard said that ''wah-wah-wah'' sound is real. Sal said it is. He said if you take the right hit then you know it's good when music sounds like it fell into a well. He said that's when you know it's amazing. Jason said it sounds like your brain is shutting down. Robin said it sounds like your brain isn't getting enough oxygen.
Howard said Mike Trainor has seen this going on. He got him on and Mike said that you see people just laid out on the sidewalk when they do it. He said his friend did it that night but he has retired from doing it. He said it is just murdering your brain a little at a time. He said it's nothing new. He said he was at a thing once where this guy was doing it and he'd forget that he didn't pay the guy yet. He said his friend was about to get beat up and he had to help him pay for it.
Howard said he's heard the term nitrous zombies. He said that's like his friend forgetting to pay.
Howard said he has someone on the phone from the nitrous Mafia. He took that fake call where they had Godfather music playing with the guy having a deep voice. He said this Mafia he speaks of does not exist. He was making the ''wah-wah-wah'' sound to Howard. He said it would be a shame if he had to fill his show with funny gas. He said the last thing they need is him running his mouth.
Howard said he will no longer speak of this. He said he's sorry he brought it up. He said he's scared of this guy. He was acting out Godfather scenes with this guy. Howard said he thinks he's had enough of this. He hung up on the guy.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her brother died from a nitrous overdose in the 70s. She said it sounds so stupid. She said its a short high and it's the dumbest thing in the world. She said that her brother put a bag over his head. She said anyone who is stupid enough to smoke pot while doing it is just dumb. She said it's just a matter of time before Sal does something stupid like that.
Robin said that Sal sounded like such an expert talking about that stuff. The caller said that Sal has the IQ of a cumquat but he can figure all of this out. Sal said it's too bad her brother died from this. The caller said she was being generous so goodbye.
Howard said he knows that Sal is an expert in piss porn and things like that. He said he wouldn't say negative things about him.
Howard asked Mike more about his experiences with nitrous. Mike said he stopped doing it but he did a weed edible during the show and he was high for like a day and a half. He said he tested himself yesterday and he doesn't have COVID. He said that he hopes he stays negative. He said he only went one night unlike Jason who went 2.
Jason said that Mike used to be more hard core. He said he did mushrooms at Bonaroo once and he was eating mud. Mike said that is a story he told. He said that he did not have a good time there.
The caller said Howard should give Phish a chance. He said they have some good songs. Howard said he knows. He said he just hasn't had the chance. He said they do play some weird stuff but they have some really good songs.
Howard said he hasn't had a lot of exposure to Phish and he finds it funny to goof on their stuff. He said he doesn't want to check it out though. He said he's not interested.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has been paying attention to what Jimmy Kimmel is doing in his monologues. Howard said he has and he tells him he's fantastic. The caller said that Seth Meyers and Jimmy have been force feeding into this political stuff and it's just great what they're doing. He said the people they're ripping on don't know what to do. He said it's amazing. Howard said Seth Meyers is really good. He said he sent him a note about it and he tells Jimmy all the time he has the greatest monologue on TV right now. He said he agrees with him politically and he and his team are doing a great job. He said he has told him that on many occasions.
Howard said for fans of Phish they have a channel there dedicated to them. He said it's a whole channel so you can get all you want.
Howard played a second of a song at Madison Square Garden. He didn't last long.
Howard said they got a lot of feedback about Jason and getting sick at the concert.
Howard said on Monday's show they had a new version of Great American Nightmare. He said they got Rob's raw vocals and had the staff playing along with it. He played that clip of the song that started Monday's show. He said people were asking if they can get a copy.
Howard read some of the email they got about the song. They had a lot of positive feedback about it.
Howard said Steve Nowicki played guitar on that track. He said the guys all did their parts separately and they had someone mix it. Robin asked who mixed it. Will said it was Rich Gibbons. Howard said this is Steve doing his solo. He played a clip.
Howard said people liked hearing from Michael the gay fire fighter yesterday. He read some comments about him.
Howard said Bobo returned to the show yesterday and the fans are already sick of him. He read some comments from the fans about Bobo. He had a few negative things about him.
Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn got tons of praise for talking to Bobo about calling into the show. He said that she didn't put up with any of his bullshit.
Howard had Mariann on the line and she said she has some breaking news. She said after the segment yesterday a fan texted her saying that Bobo's questions are coming from a fan. She said she's shaking over it. She said she confirmed it last night. Howard asked if she's saying that he's got a ghost writer. Mariann read a note from the fan who said he has been feeding Bobo questions for the past couple of years.
Howard took a call from Andy who claims to be the guy who gives Bobo the questions. Andy said he started messaging him a couple of years back when he heard he was moving to Florida. He said he never had the time or courage to call in so he would give his topics to Bobo. He said he would hear them on the show and he was taking all the credit for them. He said he started wording his questions for how Bobo would say them and the last question in January was one of his questions about Howard meditating. He said he didn't give him any credit or anything. He said yesterday after the show Bobo was patting himself on the back and those probably weren't even his questions.
Howard said Andy just set off a bomb. Mariann asked if he's even on the line today. Howard said oddly no. Mariann said this is very strange that he'd use other people's questions.
Howard asked Andy if he's legitimately stupid or is he writing questions to sound stupid. Andy said he is only writing about 20 percent of what he reads on air. He said he doesn't think they're stupid but he puts some thought into them.
Howard asked Andy if he's saying that he feels there should be a segment on the show where he could bring out the truth and take Bobo to court. Robin said Bobo isn't even denying it. Mariann said he confirmed it with her last night through texts.
Howard said they might have to bring Judge Wendy back on the show to come up with the verdict in this. Mariann said Bobo said that Andy said he could use them and he didn't want credit. Mariann said they have to do something about this. She said she wants him to give up his Cameo until September. She said this is a travesty. she said he was banned for lying and now he's revealing more lies.
Andy said that Bobo has to be getting questions from other fans around the country. He said he can't be the only one. He said he started out all positive but now he's not. Howard said they don't need Bobo now. He said they should go straight to Andy.
Howard had Bobo on the line finally. Bobo said that Andy has sent him questions over they years and he was told he could use them. Mariann said he didn't give him credit. Bobo said he never wanted credit. Mariann said that he claims that he crafts his own questions but he's not doing that. Bobo said he only puts a couple here and there. Mariann said he's a liar. She said he's the biggest liar.
Howard said she has to give him a moment here. He said Bobo is dangerously close to going down as the Milli Vanilli of the show. Howard said he took Greg Gutfeld's joke once. Bobo said that it's different than a fan giving him questions. He said that no one wants to hear about the credit. He said that people don't want credit.
Howard said there's a lot to unpack here. Bobo said this guy is a nice guy. Andy said how about just saying that its from the fans. He said they don't want their names out there but don't take credit for the question if you didn't come up with it. Bobo said he comes up with 99 percent of his content.
Howard said he has to ask Andy why he decided to expose Bobo now. Andy said it was 3 months since he was on and his question was one of the last ones he used. He said yesterday he was talking about how great he was at crafting the questions and he doesn't think they're even his. Howard asked if Andy came up with the question about Kim Kardashian hosting Saturday Night Live. He asked if that was his. Andy said that was not his. Bobo said he came up with most of his stuff.
Mariann said that she's going to confess something now. She said that she told Bobo to write the apology during the Bobo Free Summer. She said that she was the one who told him to do that. Bobo said she did. He said he did write it but she told him to.
Howard said he apologizes for not knowing that Bobo was not writing his questions. He said he knows some people are thinking the whole show is a sham now. Mariann said that he has to ask the fans to come forward if they have written stuff for him. Howard said he's going to ask the fans to come forward.
Howard asked Andy what he wrote for Bobo that he's most proud of. Andy said that he wrote the question that Ralph asked about before he was banned. He said it was about Howard meditating even if he's not going into the city now. Mariann said that she has the texts with her.
Howard had High Pitch Erik on the phone who said that Bobo went behind Mariann's back and he thinks he should be banned for 4 months for doing this. Howard said this is getting serious. Bobo said they have gone down this road twice.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dan Rather who said he was on his way to Kiev and he has to stay to cover this story. He said this could change the course of history forever. Howard said he's sure that Dan has written his won material or credited people for it. Dan said this is the story that will bring our country together. Howard said he can't get over the news that Bobo has his own writing staff.
Mariann said that Bobo wrote that it's hard to come up with questions so he appreciates the help. She said that he's not crediting them. Mariann said Bobo just lost a good friend because he's a liar. Bobo said he's not like that. Howard had to cut Mariann off because she wouldn't stop talking.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that Bobo should be banned until the end of his contract. Bobo said Jeff never calls in with anything. Howard said maybe Andy can write for Jeff a little bit. Howard said his head is exploding from this. He said he has to think about this. He said he should give credit if he's taking questions from fans. Bobo said they don't want the credit. Andy sounded like he did. Bobo said that he comes up with 99 percent or at least most of his stuff is from him. Howard said we don't know that though. Dan said he will look into it.
Bobo said he sits there with legal pads and comes up with stuff all the time. He said he looks at it and comes up with it. He said from time to time he'll use a fan's question.
Howard said Andy is just saying that if it's his idea then say it was a fan's idea. Robin said Bobo takes all the credit. Bobo said he'll give them that. Howard asked if Andy was the brains behind the question about Jeff Bezos and his brother taking off to space. Andy said he was not.
Howard said Bobo is saying that the fans do write him. Bobo said the fans are very nice. Dan said it boggles the mind. Bobo said he comes up with a lot of his own stuff. Howard said he has to credit people for this stuff. He said he's giving out false information.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why even indulge Bobo this way. He said he thinks everyone hates him and they want him banned from the show. Howard said he's going to do a random poll and ask the fans what they think. He took a call from Dry Lisa who said she thinks he should be banned. Howard said when Dry Lisa turns on you then you're in trouble.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Bobo is getting the raw end of the deal. He said Mariann is a maniac. He said the Wack Pack should get paid. He said he's taking advantage of slow people. Howard said there's one pro and one anti Bobo call.
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who said she should be banned. Bobo said that Ed hasn't contributed anything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Mariann is fucked up calling in like that. He said Bobo is an idiot but lets cut him some slack. Howard said that's 2 and 2 now.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said the punishment for Bobo was about having him change his names on his social media accounts and he never did it. He said it was supposed to be 3 to 6 months. He said he shouldn't even be on the air at this point. He said he shouldn't have opened his mouth. Bobo said he has to stop. Bobo said that he's trying to get into his private life and you can't fuck with his private life. He said case closed. He said he's not changing his name.
Howard said he's sorry that Andy wasn't getting credit. Andy said maybe Bobo is just out of questions after calling in for 30 years. Howard said he was hoping Bobo would take some time off and not have a question. Howard said for those just tuning in Bobo was just outed and he has been straining to come up with questions for the show. He said that Andy was writing for him and Mariann brought it up. He had her back on the phone. Mariann said that she brought it up because Bobo claims that he comes up with all of his questions. Mariann said that her husband is wondering why Bobo said that the fans hate her. She said she's not the one lying on the air. She said if the do hate her then let them. The two of them argued for a minute.
Robin asked how long he's lived in Florida. Bobo said 8 years. Robin asked when this guy started helping him. Bobo said he started in 2019. He said that he didn't use all of his questions.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he can take a poll and ask if a Bobo segment is better than dead air. Howard said he can see that he's not a fan of Bobo's. Howard said they're going to take a break from this now. He said they learned something new today and this date will go down in infamy.
Howard let Dan wrap up this news segment. He said he'll have more as the days come. He said that he has to break away from this to do a commercial. Robin said she's sitting there shocked. She said he was getting help with his shitty questions. Howard went into a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's Pink. He said he always liked her. He said she has that certain something. He said he has to appreciate that she can crank out those pop songs. He said she wrote this one when she was separated from her husband who was some sort of athlete. Robin said she's not sure what he is. Howard said she wrote this song and then they got back together by the time the album came out. He said they're still together today.
Howard said he wanted to mention it's the 20th anniversary of The Bachelor. He said it's been on since 2002. He said it's been 26 seasons of the show. He said they do two seasons a year sometimes. He said they have many spin offs of the show too. He said they have a live show that he has yet to get to.
Howard said he loves The Bachelor and he talks about it all the time. He said he has talked to some of the people who have been on the show.
Robin asked if he remembers the first one. Howard said he thinks it was a prince. He said he remembers the second one. He said the big thing they got from the show was vocal fry. He said that's a big thing on the show. He said they also say ''I'm here for the right reasons'' a lot on the show too. He said vocal fry is like croaking like a frog to sound more intelligent. He had some examples that the guys put together. Howard said this is a smattering of vocal fry. He played the clip where a woman was doing that vocal fry thing.
Howard said they made a phony phone call with vocal fry in 2012. He played the clip where Sal and Richard called into a Tradio show doing the vocal fry thing and annoyed the host so much that he hung up on them.
Howard said he has another phony phone call they made to a sports internet radio show where they had him talking about The Bachelor. He played the clip where they had him calling a bunch of people about The Bachelor.
Howard said he's like a Jehovah's Witness for The Bachelor. He said he loves the show.
Howard said he's got more. He played another phony phone call the guys made using clip of him talking about The Bachelor.
Howard said in honor of 20 years of The Bachelor they have a new prank call. He said Chris Harrison left the show after some controversy. Howard said he thinks Chris was born to host that show. He said he was good as the host. Robin said they should have him host something there. Howard said listen to this clip of him on After the Final Rose. He said he was reading slut shaming tweets about one of the contestants. Howard played the clip of Chris reading the comments to Bachelorette Katelyn.
Howard said Chris Harrison and The Bachelor were never nominated for an Emmy. He said the took drops of him reading horrible things and called a religious show. He said this is Chris calling a religious show. Howard played the phony phone call where they had him reading those awful comments. In the clip Chris Wilding called in as Katelyn and told the hosts about what happened with her husband Chris. Then he had Chris reading negative comments. The hosts were freaking out trying to get him to stop but they kept going. ''Katelyn'' broke down crying and the hosts hung up on them. The hosts said they like to deal with people one on one and they hope next time they speak it's under better circumstances.
Howard said they finally had a good call and they hung up on them. Howard said thanks to the Bachelor they were able to make all of those calls. Howard said he's the most loyal to that show. He played a song where they had Howard talking about how much he loves the show.
Howard said what a wonderful segment that was. He said that he has Jerrod Carmichael coming up next. He said he's excited to meet him. He said he saw his HBOMax special and it was really good. He said he ended up paying for the Batman movie not knowing it was on HBOMax. He said he has too many services. He said he didn't want to pay for Batman. He said he saw his special Rothaniel and it was so good he had to get him on the show. He said he's happy to have him on. Robin said he has a movie out now and he's a budding film maker now. Howard said people are doing everything these days. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and said that's a little bit of Funky Cold Medina. He said his guest Jerrod has a film out called On The Count of Three.
Howard said he's been around a long time and he's never heard of him until he saw ''Rothaniel'' on HBOMax. He said it's weird. He said that he even said he's like the least famous person to host Saturday Night Live. He said he had his own TV show on NBC and he wasn't that well known. Howard asked what's going on there. Jerrod said he doesn't know. He said he made a couple of specials and the show. He said he still feels new. He said that he's kind of nervous being there with Howard. He said it's like visiting the Lincoln Memorial.
Howard said it's weird. Howard said he's a little intimidated by Jerrod too. He said when he's in the presence of someone who has done genius work it's intimidating. He said that he saw him on Saturday Night Live and he thought his monologue was good because he as loose as a goose. He said he didn't appear to be nervous. He said he thought they should say that he should be the permanent guy to come out every week and just open the show. He said he had a way of summing things up that was just really good. He said he could be that guy to come out and do current material. Jerrod thanked him for that. Howard asked if he had that feeling out there. Jerrod said he felt good about it. He said he liked that it was live. He said it was show time and you don't get a lot of that. He said newscasters go live but very few do that. He said he had to be present and talk to the room. He said he was ignoring the camera and it felt good. He said he just had to do it.
Howard asked what kind of feedback he got off of that monologue. Jerrod said he had just come off of Rothaniel and he really respects the craft of stand up. He said he had something to say and it felt fun to be a firecracker on Saturday Night Live. He said it was a more emotional piece.
Howard asked if Lorne Michaels said anything to him. Jerrod said he's a storied vet who knows how to handle people. He said he just said ''You'll be back'' at the after party. He said he liked that.
Howard asked if he would do what he was saying about opening Saturday Night Live. Jerrod said that's not what he's doing now. He said he talks about himself in his act. He said he felt a little anger when he was out there and everyone was talking about everything all the time so he feels like he has to offer long form stories. He said he's obsessed with doing that now. He said he doesn't have an interest in talking about the world. He said he has things he cares about.
Howard said it was particularly good. He said he came out talking about Will Smith. He said it was a great observation. He asked if he came up with that himself or did the staff come up with it. Jerrod said that he and his friend Bo Burnham came up with it. He said that's his friend. Howard said he liked that kind of comedy.
Howard said he read about how he sent a tape to the Letterman show to get on there and they took a pass on him because he wasn't doing set and joke kind of material. He said instead of him compromising he just kept doing his material the way he was doing it. He said he skipped that Letterman thing. Jerrod said he really wanted to do that show and he was excited about it. He said the week before that he had offers to do other talk shows and he turned them down. He said he wanted to do Letterman. He said that he was walking around praying about it and singing ''Saving All My Love for You'' for Letterman. He said that he was in the city walking around and walked by Letterman's studio to dream about it. He said that there was a saxophone guy playing ''Saving All My Love For You'' outside the studio. He said this was fate. He said he thought it was going to happen. He said they told him that he wasn't doing material the way they wanted him to. He said it wouldn't have been right to do it. He said his first time doing stand up on TV was doing his own special. Howard asked if that's the one Spike Lee directed. Jerrod said it was.
Howard said he loves the joke he does about the hoodie thing. He said he did a Treyvon Martin joke. He said it was about his door man not stopping him when he was wearing a hoodie. He said he heard that Spike Lee didn't want him to do that joke. Jerrod said he and Spike had some disagreements on some of his material. He said he and Spike had a creative fight. He said he wanted him to take out a Michael Jackson joke he had too. He said Spike has a lot of connections in the community and he was doing a Michael Jackson doc at the time. Jerrod said that he was filming a special for TV and his live shows might be funnier. He said he will extract things from his show to do that. He said he and Spike might work better together now. He said that he and Spike did have some disagreements about his material but it was just a couple of things. Howard asked if Spike was upset that he had final cut on the special. Jerrod said he doesn't think so. He said he and Spike just moved on.
Howard said Jerrod seems to think that he should play to the camera when he's doing a special. He said he has never cared about the live audience. He said he's playing to the people at home. Jerrod said it's interesting. He said he played with the audience because it was live. He said the cameras on Saturday Night Live are capturing this experience there. He said when you do a comedy special it's different. He said it's really distilled. He said you have to be capturing something. He said the old specials that they did with Carlin and Pryor were men and women on tour and you couldn't see it otherwise unless they bought in cameras. He said it was something you didn't normally get. He said stand up evolves and the specials are different now. He said you can get that material other places now. He said it's thinking about what you want people to see. He said you want to make people think you didn't have to be there to see it live.
Howard said Carlin used to go out on HBO and do the specials live. He said he didn't record them. Jerrod said that's like Evel Knievel stuff.
Howard said he liked his special ''Rothaniel'' and both he and his wife got into it. He said it felt like it wasn't a stand up special. He said he was talking about his life in a way that was raw. He said he had to have him on the show after seeing it. He said he's very loose up on stage. He said Chappelle has that too. He said you're not even sure he's performed this stuff before. He said he's really loose.
Howard asked Jerrod about doing stand up for the first time. Jerrod said he had moved out to L.A. and he sighed up at the Comedy Store. He said that he had never done stand up before. He said he got there early and signed up for a time slot. He said they had a list of 1-15 and the people they didn't know would be higher up on the list. He said they had free shows up until like 9. He said the first performer would have like zero people and then it starts to fill up. He said he went up first on stage and there were only comedians there. He said they have this window there that's got the sun shining in. He said you can't even see anything. He said he did his act and he said the N-word like 47 times in 5 minutes. He said he was talking so fast that his friend told him to slow down. He said there wasn't anyone in there at the time and he didn't get any laughs. He said he did that and it was rushed. He said that was on a Sunday. He said by that Tuesday he was up later on the list. He said he wrote out a set and wrote the whole thing out. He said that worked for him and it carried him on from there. He said that the second time for him is always better. He said the pilot of his show is wildly different than the second episode. He said he just made a name for himself from there. He said he had a nickname of ''The Future'' and he had a fun time starting out.
Howard asked if he thinks he has a natural ability and can a regular person learn to do it. He asked if you have to have the gift. Jerrod said the love of performance is something you have to have. He said that you have to make something specific. He said he thinks he has an obsession with things like microphones. He said he used to ask for them for Christmas. He said he likes microphones. He said he loved those microphone toys when he was growing up. He said he'd go to church and he'd go out there and get his mom to hold him up to the microphone. He said he always had an obsession with that. He said in 5th grade he did a show for the classes. He said he would write poetry and stuff. He said his teacher saw that he was into this stuff and she would help him do this. He said that he would write a script every day and he was doing it in 5th grade. He said he's not sure what else he would have done if he didn't do this.
Howard said it's great when you have a teacher who sees something in you and helps out like that. He said that's so rare. Jerrod said he didn't know what his future was and he had a friend in jail for murder already. He said that this teacher nurtured something in him. He said that he had never seen it done in that way.
Howard said he came from a very poor and shitty neighborhood. He said there was no hope there. He said for a teacher to see something in him is amazing. He said most teachers wouldn't do anything about it. He said once in a while there is someone who gives a shit. Jerrod said you can't teach someone to care about something. He said you have to care and love it to do something. He said this teacher really cared about them. He said she really did make a difference. He said she took him to a nice restaurant in town. He said she took him to his first show. He said this woman really helped him.
Howard asked if he ever got to speak to this woman. Jerrod said not recently but years ago he did. He said that she recently sent him pictures of some of the stuff that they were doing in class. He said she sent him a clip from FOX8 where he was on. He said he loves that woman a lot.
Howard said no one in his school saw any hope. Jerrod said the good thing about the internet is that it gives kids a window into things outside of where they live.
Howard said it sounds like Jerrod grew up in a neighborhood like he did. He said in Rothaniel he talks about how everyone says he should give back to the community and he wonders why because that community gave him nothing. Jerrod said he said that the community stole his bike. Howard said that was so funny. Jerrod said his perspective on responsibility in that stuff is different now. He said a person can evolve. He said Richard Pryor changed and looked inward. He said that he went from the external to the internal world. He said Louis went from that too. He said he went into personal stuff. Jerrod said he was doing a lot of material to avoid talking about his own life. He said it was like smoke bombs.
Howard said if he had a funny thought he would do it on the air. He said he didn't give a fuck about thinking it through. Howard said he's changed on that now.
Jerrod said comedy evolves from Vaudeville to the Catskills and then moves on. He said that the world changes around you and what's important changes. He said your passion changes. He said that most artists are aware of that and change accordingly.
Howard said Jerrod made the decision to come out of the closet in a stand up special. He said it's a brilliant idea. He said you can only do it once. He said he just did it and filmed it. He said everything about it was like watching an intimate moment that he shouldn't even be watching. He said the audience was with him and it was dynamic. He asked how he came up with the idea of doing it. Jerrod said that special was all about telling people about things he was afraid to talk about. He said it's all about bringing that to the stage and stepping into a light.
Howard asked if coming out in front of an audience was hard because of his religious background. He said he talked about going to church all the time. He said at the end of it it's the religious thing. He said it must kill him. Jerrod said he and his mom have a God sized wall between them. He said that's the hard thing to navigate. Howard said it's got to be conflicting because God is supposed to be accepting but then you're afraid to come out because of the same thing. Jerrod said he's trying to trust fall into a new interpretation of religion. He said he hasn't let go of it. He said he's trying to get his mother to be more open. He said that his mother has gotten through a lot of tough times in her life because of religion. He said she had no money and didn't make it very far from the projects to where she lived after. He said she didn't account for a gay son and she's not sure what to do about that. He said he wants to work with her on that. He said that not talking to her about it leads to self hate. He said he had to add distance there. Howard asked how he did that. He said he was so close to her. Jerrod said they used to talk every day. He said they used to sing together. He said he doesn't want to have a fake conversation so he had to get away from that. Howard said you have to protect yourself and not take a beating every day. Jerrod said it's hard. He said the beating is internal too. He said he has to shut down and not talk about being gay. He said it's just off the table.
Howard said the thing that drives him nuts is that his father cheated on his mother and even had children with other women. He said his mother learns that and she forgives him and makes him breakfast. Howard said everything is cool and accepted. He said she can accept that but not that her own son is gay. He said that's the big problem. Howard said that would drive him insane. Jerrod said the thing about being gay is that it's easy to point to a line in religious text and write it off. He said it's very complicated. He said they say a lot of things in the bible that people don't follow. He said they say you're supposed to wear head coverings. He said everyone is going to hell if that's the case. He said so much of the bible is interpretation and you pick and choose what you want to follow. He said he's also cautious and respectful of it. He said that it's held his mother together but he would like for her to have some kind of openness.
Jerrod said his dad hit him up on text yesterday. He said he texted him after the special and it was very sweet. He said he was sorry for any hurt and chaos he caused. He said all the stuff about his father he has talked about publicly. He said that wasn't new news. He said the thing he waned acknowledged was that he's gay. He said his dad is now playing referee between him and his mom. He said he sent him a text and he told him he was playing WWE and his dad wanted to play Madden. He said his dad told him to call his mom. He said that she misses him. Jerrod said he loves her too but her baby boy is a big gay man and they have to come to terms on that.
Howard said all you want is your mom to not make him feel like an outsider. Jerrod said he would love that. He said that he would cry for hours and hours. He said that he doesn't expect that from her. He said she's not going to change her belief system. He said what he wants from her is the acknowledgement. He said that's even off the table at this point. He said she called him the week after the special came out and she didn't bring it up. He said that hurts his feelings. He said that's the part that destroys him. He said even if she let him into that process of accepting it that would be great. Jerrod said that his grandmother didn't know any gay people. He said that no one was brave enough to come out if they were gay. He said she has a thought of gay people because she didn't think she knew any. He said she didn't know her grandson was gay. He said he sent her flowers and she loved him but she didn't know. He said his mom knows and what she does with that information is what's wrong.
Howard said he had a lot of self loathing about growing up Jewish. He said that he didn't live around other Jewish people. Jerrod said he was trying to prove things as a straight man. He said he knows coming out in Hollywood is different now. He said he needed to prove that he was a man that could do it one way. He said he had a lot of self hate and fear. Howard said it must have drove him insane. Jerrod said he leaned on God in that way.
Howard said imagine how brave Ellen Degeneres was when she came out. Jerrod said he respects that. He said he was afraid of getting that. He said he wanted to prove himself and he didn't want to come out and just get handed something. He said it was a lot of bullshit he concocted in his head.
Howard said he's so proud that he did this because he can be happy. He said if he was living in North Carolina with a woman and having kids that can ruin lives. Jerrod said the lies involve everyone else. He said that's why he only wants to talk about himself in his comedy. He said you can't drag other people into your bullshit. He said it's just wrong. He said he was doing that and he apologizes for that.
Howard said these religious people are shaming gay people to live lives that are fake and that hurts so many other people. He said that's why the special is so fucking great. He said the audience questions are great. He said that coming out is still a big deal. Jerrod said it was for him. He said he said to Frank Ocean once that he didn't have a Frank Ocean to learn from. He said that's what he finds to be important. He said he's trying to take some responsibility.
Howard said he hopes that a kid sees this special and is inspired by it. He said that it's an incredible presentation.
Howard asked if he was asked to do Saturday Night Live because of that special. Jerrod said yes. He said they had seen it and they came out to see him at a show he did. He said he likes to do this small room at a club. He said it's great doing shows with a small crowd. He said he really likes doing that because it's people who are there just to see you. Howard said he likes hearing that. He felt that way doing radio. He said he hated people who didn't listen to him.
Howard said he has seen comedians who have become successful and they can't deal with it because other comedians are bad mouthing them. He said the can ruin their careers thinking like that. Jerrod said he knows that can happen. He said he likes the small rooms. He said it feels better in certain spaces.
Howard said Jerrod talks about how Bill Cosby used to help him out when he had his sitcom. Jerrod said that he had a lot of ideas that he threw out there for him. He said he didn't take any of them but they were hilarious to him. He said that he did material about Bill and wondered if they can still laugh at his comedy. He said that art triumphs over whatever he did. He said that he went to jail over what he did. He said Harvey Weinstein went to jail over what he did too. He said it's hard core jail and not fake jail. He said the Cosby Show was a well acted and well performed show. He said he thinks that they should be able to have an adult conversation about it. He said the show was good but what Bill did was bad. He said he can separate those things. He said he can still enjoy his work. He said he had to learn to separate parts of people but he thinks that art and what you do should be exclusive.
Jerrod said the thing with Louis is that he invited them into his personal life and now it's shut out of his act. He said it's the elephant in the room now. He said all these men are scared now.
Howard asked if he talks to Louis still. Jerrod said it's been like a year but he does. He said he has done some incredible work. He said that he still won a Grammy. He said that the thing is that they have him out of sight and out of mind now. He said that he's not addressing the elephant in the room. Howard said if he goes on stage and does 15 minutes on jerking off on chicks it somehow answers the question. He said in the same respect Chris Rock may have to talk about this Will Smith thing. He said that he will be known as the guy who got slapped. He said that's why Jim Carrey said that he should sue Will Smith. Jerrod said he thinks that Chris is able to articulate what happened to him. He said he thinks if things are talked about then they can move on. He said he thinks Louis is able to do it too. He said they're able to articulate the root of the controversy.
Howard said that Jerrod was able to come out and be himself. Jerrod said that he used to be more aware of the way he sat because he didn't want to look gay. Howard said it must be so freeing to do what you want. Howard said he's like a bird in a cage that the door was just opened on. He said he can sense it. He said that special was just beautiful.
Howard said this father of his was some character too. He said he read about him and he tells a story about how his father was caught cheating and this was the aunt of a friend of his. Jerrod said that was just another woman that he was seeing. Howard said the story was so unbelievable. He said his friend saw his dad sitting there and he knew it was Jerrod's dad. He said that his dad denied it was him and he squinted his eyes to try to look different. Howard said Dennis Rodman was on the show once and he said that the woman in his bed had fallen out of the ceiling into his bed when Carmen Electra caught him.
Howard said Jerrod said that when he got applauded for coming out as gay he said that he didn't just blow some guy there so he didn't feel he deserved it.
Jerrod thanked Howard for having him on. He said he was excited to talk to him about this. Howard said he has never been comfortable in front of live audiences. He said he only likes being on the microphone in the studio. Jerrod said he should watch the beginning of The King of Marvin Gardens. He said you see the microphone right there and it's Jack Nicholson there. He said it's just truthful to be there no the microphone in front of people.
Howard asked if Jerrod was shocked at how positive the reaction was when he came out. Jerrod said it was and he needed it in that moment. He said that it's good to know that it's okay.
Howard asked if he ever went to a psychiatrist at all to ask him to ''cure'' him. Jerrod said he never did. He said seeing a psychiatrist would be involving too many people in his secret. He said it was only him and a few secret hook ups who knew. He said it was weird coming out like that.
Howard asked how he met guys. Jerrod said he lives in the age of Grindr and things like that. He said there are other guys who are in the closet and like minded. He said that if you open Grindr near an army base you see a lot of blank spaces in their profiles.
Jerrod said he did go to a psychiatrist recently. He said things were affecting his life and he felt he had to talk about them. Howard asked if he ever got involved in any substances. Jerrod said he didn't smoke weed until he was in his 20s. He said he does that a little bit here and there. He said he would like to try coke in the presence of a professional. He said he's afraid of all of that stuff.
Howard said it sucks that you have to hide and go on Grindr to find someone. Jerrod said the importance of stuff like proms and stuff is being validated for who you are. He said if his mom saw him holding a boy's hand and she was okay with that it would have changed his whole life. He said he would have been freer earlier. Howard said that you want that so you don't have to hide.
Howard asked if he still has friends who are closeted and he wants them to come out. Jerrod said he has some friends who struggle with it. Howard said it's frustrating.
Howard said he has a lot of family who cheated. He said you wonder why they didn't just wear a rubber. He said they had kids with other people. Jerrod said it was wild. He said they just wanted to feel like a man. Howard said they keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Jerrod said they weren't mistakes because they were intentional children. He said he feels bad for the kids who didn't have a dad. He said he had his dad. He said it's a psychological thing that he was out there doing it. He said his dad called about a year ago and said he heard he's doing stand up. He asked if he was talking about him on stage. He said he was and his dad said he was being mean. He said he told him he was making it too public. Jerrod said he told his dad that he made it public when he had kids with other women.
Howard said his parents used to say he was exaggerating what they did to him as a kid. He asked if he ever got that. Jerrod said not really. He said if he tells the truth then they just let it go. He said keeping it personal lets you get away with more.
Howard asked what kind of porn he's watching. Jerrod said he was watching secret sex stuff. He said being closeted led him into that. He said that was like what he was going through. Jerrod said he only follows porn stars on social media. He said there are a lot that he follows. He said he should have been more prepared for this. He said he really wants to fuck some of them. Howard told him to come back on with a list.
Howard said Jerrod would jerk off to gay porn and he would go and jerk off to straight porn to get away from the shame. Howard said he applauds his libido if he can do it two times like that.
Howard asked if it was disgusting to eat pussy. Jerrod laughed and said not at all. He said that he was good at it.
Howard asked how he's dealing with Kanye and Pete Davidson because he's friends with both. Jerrod said that its going to happen. He said they're adults and they can handle it. He said that Pete is a great guy and Kanye is a great guy too. He said he hopes it helps sell tickets for whatever they're doing. Howard asked who wins in a fight between those two. Jerrod said that's one of those things. He said they both have a lot of anger. Howard said yes they do. He said they might have to being back Celebrity Deathmaatch for that one.
Howard said he wants to call out his brother. He said that he brings him up in the ''Rothaniel'' special. He said his brother came to all of his tapings and he was very supportive. He said his brother said he loves him despite the fact that he's gay. He said that sums up what's wrong with the world. Jerrod said that he was just summing that whole thing up. He said he feels like he's getting a half hug when he hears that. He said he loves his brother a lot. He said he's probably the first person he tried to model himself after. He said he means a lot to him. He said it all takes time. He said he loves his family and he's trying to be respectful to them.
Howard said it's just so hard. Robin said if he was a woman it would be completely different. Jerrod said he's paying for the result of other people's sex. He said parts of it are tough.
Howard said gay people need a special hug. He said this country seems to be going backward in that way. Jerrod said he's upset about people who are not into changing or seeing things in a different way. He said they just shut down. He said he feels like he's being left out and that's why he'll go out with Louis for lunch because he's being left out.
Howard asked if he has lost any friends over this special. Jerrod said none of his immediate friend circle. He said he thinks that he was able to have that secret with that core group already. He said he hasn't lost anyone. He said he had already moved away from anyone like that. He said he did have some comments from some people. He said he has a friend who is very open about it and he said he would never have had a gay friend and he felt tricked into having one. He said they can talk more openly now. He said he's thankful for that.
Howard said Jerrod is in a movie called ''On the Count of Three'' and this is a heavy film. He said it's about people who want to kill themselves. He asked what brought him to this. Jerrod said he was having a lot of inner thoughts. Howard asked if he was ever suicidal. Jerrod said no. He said he has felt hopelessness before but nothing in a real sense. Howard said he has been depressed though. Jerrod said he has. He said that the team behind the movies wants to talk about the film. He said he wanted to keep the conversation about his special but this movie is a very heavy conversation. He said he wanted it separate. He said he was thinking about not bringing it up. He said they wanted Howard to talk about things with the movie.
Howard said that JB Smoove plays his father in the film and he's really good. He asked if he cast him. Jerrod said he did. Howard said he had no idea that he was capable of doing a serious thing. He said he has a feeling that America doesn't know JB Smoove very well. He said he went to a Knick game once and though that JB should have been in the front row there. He said he was sitting about 4 rows back. He said JB was fine back there though. He said he was in his lane just enjoying life.
Jerrod said that JB would come to the set and they gave him his trailer. He said JB came into his friend Chris's trailer and you just let him take it over. He said he loves the guy. He said he's one of the funniest men in the world.
Howard asked how he got Henry Winkler to do it. Jerrod said they did him a solid and did the film. He said it was hard to get it made. He said that he had to put up his own money in addiction to the funding. He said he had to put up like a million of his own money. He said it was a lot to get it made and a lot of favors had to come around. He said it's not for everyone.
Howard said when he said a million bucks he was thinking his mom would be smart to make up with him. He said he has money and he could spoil the shit out of her. Jerrod said that he is paying a lot for the family and it's kind of like the boss just came out to you. He said he cold take that job away from them.
Howard asked if the family works for him. Jerrod said that they do. Howard said his mother should be supportive.
Robin said she loved the movie and it had that real indie feel and she loves that. Jerrod said he hopes people get to see it.
Howard asked why he did the special for HBO. Jerrod said there's someone over there named Nina who has been very supportive of him. He said he had this special in mind and it came together pretty quickly. He said HBO has been very good to him.
Howard asked if Jerrod has any more secrets that he can come out with in another special. Jerrod said he'll never do Rothaniel again. He said that he has a lot of things he hasn't said out loud and things he wants to work out on stage. He said he's' glad he picked an art form that lets him work that stuff out.
Howard said if you haven't seen this special yet go see it. He said the name Rothaniel is weird but it could become iconic. He said that he could take it on. Jerrod said he likes it more since the special came out. He said he will use it more. Howard said he's going to use it and see how it goes. He said he'll call him up and use it. Jerrod said he finally got ''Jerrod'' right and now he's changing it up. Howard said it'll just be him and Jerrod's mom using Rothaniel. Jerrod said he loves that.
Howard asked Jerrod if he has found love yet. Jerrod said not yet. He said he thinks he's at a place where he can receive it. He said he's in that phase of his life. He said he can feel it creeping up on him.
Howard said he will set up a porn star dating game next time he's on. He said he'll do that and maybe he'll set him up with someone. He said he has some people in mind. He said he's not a good matchmaker with heterosexuals. He said he can set up guys though. Jerrod said he's willing to go on a blind date with someone eon Howard Stern. Howard said he's also going to go home with him to North Carolina and tell his mom that he's the man he's in love with. Jerrod said that if she saw Howard coming then she'd blame him for being gay. Howard said he'll take that blame.
Howard said they learned a lot today. Robin said Jerrod was named after some people who didn't do such good things. Howard said he was named after his great grandfather who left his family to die in Germany and moved to America. He said he rest of his family perished and he did fine so his mom named him after that guy. Howard said he asked his mom why she would do that to him. She told him that he was nice to her.
Howard said he shared that story because now Rothaniel doesn't look so bad. Howard said Jerrod is a retired pussy eater. He said sorry ladies. Howard asked when he last ate pussy. Jerrod said 3 or 4 years. Robin said it's not long ago. Jerrod said he still has hints of it. He said he can still sense it. Howard said it has to be the worst to do something that you're not into. Jerrod said it wasn't so bad. He said it was warm. He said girls are hot. He said he's into certain women. He said you can tell if a guy is gay if they're only into perfect 10s. He said if they can only get hard from a perfect 10 then there's something going on there. Robin said they know someone like that.
Howard said Jerrod said that he got Taylor Swifts phone number at a party. He asked if something was going on there. Jerrod said she was just being nice at a party. He said that she was very sweet. He said he was at Lena Dunham's wedding and there was a picture of him with Taylor Swift. He said he has that on his profile now. He said if you want to attract gay guys that's the way to do it.
Howard said he has to be careful with Grindr. Jerrod said you have to be careful wherever you meet guys. He said if he met someone at a bar he'd have to see their Instagram just to make sure they're human.
Howard gave Jerrod more plugs and wrapped up with him. He said check out his special ''Rothaniel'' on HBOMax. Robin asked if he's heard from people after the special. Jerrod said he has. He said they've reached out and said some nice things.
Howard asked if he keeps a journal. Jerrod said he does. He said he's not like Jerry Seinfeld though.
Howard asked who the top 5 comics are right now. Jerrod said it shifts for him. He said he could talk about this all day. He said he likes Jack Benny. He said there are lots of people like Shane Gillis who he just saw recently. He said he's so funny. He said it kind of shifts with people who catch his ear.
Howard said he has to work on that list and the list of porn stars for next time. Jerrod said he'll be more prepared next time. Howard thanked him again for being on. Jerrod thanked him for having him there. Howard wrapped up and let him go. Robin and Howard talked about what a great guy he is. Howard asked if Fred is inspired to come out. Fred said its going to take a while. Howard ended the show around 11:00am.