| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
|
Howard started the show talking about the ''What's my Sexy Secret'' game they have coming up with Ronnie today. He said that should be fun. He said everyone is looking forward to that. Robin asked if they have women in and Ronnie has to guess their sexy secret. Howard said she's right. He played a song parody theme song for the game.
Howard said he's exhausted again. He said his mom had to go back to the hospital. Robin's alarm was going off on her phone. She said she had it on snooze for the wake up alarm. Howard said he never sets it for snooze. He said he jumps out of bed as soon as it goes off. He said he jumps right out of bed. Robin said she has 3 alarms set. She said she has one to wake her up an hour before she has to get up. Howard said he would never do that. Robin said then she has one a half hour before she has to get up. She said she likes to have that extra 30 minutes. Howard said the snooze is 9 minutes long. He asked how many times she hits it if it's still going off at 7. Robin said it's just in case she falls asleep. She said it's telling her to get ready for work.
Howard said he's going to correct her. He said he used to hit snooze. He said they say if you snooze you lose and he doesn't want to lose. He said he would love to have a camera in Robin's house. He said he can imagine all of this going on in there. He said he's going to do her a favor and have her speak to a therapist. Robin said she goes to one. Howard said he has to find out what's wrong with her. He said he needs a camera in her house to see what's going on in there. He said when his alarm goes off he has to get up. He said he has to take his cover off his phone and turn it off.
Howard asked what's on her case. Robin said that's the recharger. She said it's the hot spot. Howard said he hates that. He said it never charged his phone properly.
Howard asked Robin what she does when the alarm goes off. Robin said she just taps it. She said all of her alarms are set to just go off automatically. She said she can never forget. Robin said she turns the alarms off too. She said when the first one goes off she turns it off. Howard said if you tap it then it goes on snooze. Robin said it has a stop and a snooze so she hits the stop. Howard said she's a show off. He said he has a suggestion for her. He said why not just have 5 to 6 alarms and wake up 3 hours ahead of time. He said he thinks she'd be a lot happier. Robin said this works for her. She said it's just one hour before.
Howard asked if she has ever had 2 alarms go off at the same time. Robin said they're not set for the same time so they don't do that. She said she has had snoozes go off at the same time though.
Howard said why not move and have a giant church bell wake her up. Robin said then she wouldn't have a snooze.
The caller, Danielle, said she used to run a lot and she lives in Florida. She said she would wake up and listen to Howard. She mentioned Howard's vocal fry again so Howard said he has to hang up on her. She said she'll get to the story.
Howard had her start again. Danielle said she got neuropathy and she lost 40 pounds in 30 days. She said long term COVID is the realest thing in life. She said she won't talk about anything else. Howard hung up on her after that.
Howard found the article he was talking about and read through it. They had a story about a woman who got long COVID and she ended up with heart issues. Howard said this woman started running again and she went into cardiac arrest after walking 2 miles. He said no one could figure out what was going on and she had an inflammation of the heart muscle. Howard said she had to get a defibritlator put in her.
Howard said they're saying 10-30 percent of people who got COVID may end up with these symptoms. Howard said he saw the new mayor of New York City, Eric Adams, going out to parties. Robin said that they had no masks on and there were 72 people who tested positive for COVID.
Howard said he doesn't mean to bum everyone out but these motherfuckers who are vaccine deniers and mask haters who think their freedoms are being taken away are the problem. He said that everyone wants it over with and if a politician says we're still in a pandemic they don't want to hear it. He said that Rand Paul asshole is bad mouthing Dr. Fauci like he's out to get him. He said it's unbelievable what's going on.
Robin said she was watching the truckers who went driving around about the mask mandates and they had no reason to do it. She said the just need some cause to do it.
Howard said they're still showing 31,000 cases a day in the United States. He said his mother and father had COVID. He said they got it after he warned them that it could cause the end of their lives to be a shit show. He said that his mother would tell him that he's scaring her. He said his father is out of it but his mother is with it. He said he'd tell her how to avoid COVID and she would say she was scared. Howard said he told her she had to wear a mask around other people. He said he's not sure why he cares so much. He said now she's in and out of the hospital. He said she has pain from her toes to her head. He said she also says she's in a fog. He said she can't taste anything. He said he told his mom to please listen to him. He said he asked her not to go to the dining room. He said she said she had to live her life. Howard said that the had to live their lives. Howard said she wants to go home.
Howard said his mother was doing fine before COVID. He said she was getting old but she could still get around. He said he'd tell her about COVID and she would say she had to go. He said he would have to deal with it if she got it. He said he was trying to protect himself by warning her about it. He said now he has to take care of her. He said she'd complain about the food they had in the dining room. He asked why she was risking her life for it then.
Howard said he's not sure what to do now with his mother. He said he has all kinds of doctors helping her out. He said yesterday her oxygen level was down to 85 percent. He said it was all over the place. He said that the doctor said she had to got the emergency room. He said they're running tests today. He said there might be fluid in her lungs. He said that he told her to take COVID seriously. He said she doesn't read a newspaper. He said he's aware of all of this but she's not. He said she's not sure why she's closing her eyes to life.
Howard said his mother would ask him how much longer this is going to go on and what do ''they'' want from us. He said she has to get into this world and read the paper. He said now she fixed herself good. He said she's going to miss Coachella this year.
Howard said his mother kept him locked up in the house his whole life and told him about the awful things in the world. He said now she doesn't listen to her own words. He said they haven't said if this is long COVID or not. Robin said it has been known that this virus can attack any organ in your system.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that masks and vaccines don't work. Howard said this guy is insane. He said his name is Lane. Howard said the mask thing works. He said this has been talked about before the vaccine even came out. He said if you wear a mask you won't get it. The caller said that didn't work. He said Fauci lied about it. Howard asked if the caller has taken any of the vaccines. Lane said he has had COVID twice and he's fine. Howard said he's the lucky one. He said he has family members who have gotten it twice and they're fine but there are people who have died and have long term COVID. He said you don't know what you'll end up with.
Howard hung up on Lane when he was talking about tennis players who had to back out of a match because of heart palpitations.
Howard said he's not sure why Fauci is the enemy. Robin said some people have had it and they're fine. She said that's not the case with everyone. Howard asked if he did the bit last week with the Conservative radio guys who died from COVID after saying they weren't getting vaccinated. He read some stats about how much less likely you are to be hospitalized if you get vaccinated.
Howard said he hates people. He said Lane is banned from listening to the show now.
Robin asked Howard about the 10 year ban that Will Smith got from the Academy Awards. Howard said that's nothing. He said what a punishment that is. He said that's what you get for punching another human being. He said that's some punishment. Robin said that they gave him a standing ovation there.
Howard said he was going to play the guy again who died from COVID after saying he wasn't going to get vaccinated. Howard replayed the clip that the played last week. The guy said he had COVID and he should have taken Hydroxychloroquine ahead of time to build up his immunity. Howard said now the guy is dead.
Howard said these people went to the same convention and got sick and they claim they were hit with a bio weapon. He said that's the nutty world these people live in.
Howard took a call from Mike from Maine who said that he thinks half the people who got the flu vaccine get the flu. He said it doesn't cure it. He said it mitigates it. Howard said that's right. Howard said that guy Lane was talking about what Fauci said and he was just making stuff up.
Mike said you don't have to trust the government because the have a long history of doing things. Howard said he trusts Dr. Fauci. He said Mike is right though. He said that they're trying to keep people safe. Mike said that masks do help.
Howard said Sam has been gone almost as long as he was alive. He said he was 38 when he died. He said it's really tragic. He said he can bring him back from the dead right now actually.
Howard had Sam Kinison from the grave. Sam (Craig Gass) got on and said thanks for waiting 30 years to open that door. He asked what took so fuckin' long. Howard said he wants to say a couple of things to him. He said it's crazy that it's been 30 years. He said they had so many great times together. Howard said he won't forget the time he drove him around in Los Angeles and he used his belly to steer the car. Sam thanked him for bringing that up.
Howard said that Sam had put out a record and he had a billboard that he backed up in traffic to see. He said he thought the were going to die there. Sam said he remembers that. He said he wanted the L.A. experience so he gave it to him.
Howard said one time Sam had cocaine at the station and they thought they were going to get in trouble for that. He said that there were a lot of things that they talked about on the show. He said that Sam's parents thought he was possessed. He said one time Sam pinned Robin against the wall and tried to get her to drink champagne. Sam said that Champagne is the Robin Quivers of alcohol.
Howard said Sam would get smelly from drinking so much. Sam thanked him for bringing up those memories. He said that it's been almost 30 years so you should see what he smells like now. He said he can smell his hair gel and old man ball powder from hell. He said he can see his balls hanging all the way down there too.
Howard said Sam was married to a woman named Malika and having sex with her sister Sabrina. He said that was wild. Sam said that it's not a sin if the sister joins in. He said that's as long as the sister is hot.
Howard said that he dated Jessica Hahn too. He said he dated Penny Marshall and Beverly D'Angelo too. Sam said he did but he never fucked Robin. He said he must not have looked enough like her dad. Robin said that's not nice. Howard said he doesn't think he'll ever get in her pants but you never know in the afterlife.
Howard said Sam was never able to seduce her. Robin said no. Sam said Robin's dad just high fived him down in hell. Howard said he hopes he's down there. Robin said she has to be good so she doesn't end up where they are.
Howard said in another time and place Sam would have been called a prophet. He said he thinks that's what it says on his grave stone. Sam said that's carefully worded. He said that in another time and place he would have been called road kill.
Howard said he misses Sam a lot. Sam said he misses them too. He said comedy isn't the same. He said he's performing with Bob Saget. He said they say he hit his head, sure he did.
Howard said on Howard 101 they'll have this special Sam Kinison Sternthology going on all week. Howard let Sam go a short time later.
Robin said Sam never brought up that stuff with her dad when he was there. Howard said that's some daddy Robin had.
Howard took a call from one trick pony Apples who said he just studies and reports on Ronnie. He said people send him reports on him. Howard asked what he can do for him today. Apples said that Ronnie's dog is on Instagram now. He said the name of the dog is Peanutbutta and the furniture on his deck is made of denim. Howard said it's not. He said the furniture is just regular cushions that are blue. He said that he's not sure what Apples is doing. He said he's pushing it with this.
Apples said that people are asking about the Astroturf he has in his yard. Ronnie said they have that because its hard to take care of grass there. Howard said he didn't know about that. He said now he's on to something.
Ronnie said it's the heat in the summer. Howard said there is grass down there. Ronnie said he has some of this Astroturf and there's a lot of people who have it there.
Apples said that people are blowing him up about the turf stuff. Ronnie said he's so full of shit. He said people hate him. He said no one is telling him anything.
Howard took a call from Oranges who was like Apples asking dumb questions and pointing out stupid things about Ronnie. Howard asked if it's depressing to see Astroturf for lawn. Ronnie said they have all kinds of stuff growing there so they're fine. He said they don't have cactus but they have bushes and shit and plants. He said they have the Astroturf on a side of the house that makes it look nice. He said they have grass in other spots.
Howard said he has to get to this game with Ronnie said he has to keep him calm. He said they're going to find out if he can figure out a woman's sexual secret next. He asked Robin how many questions it will take for him to figure out her secret. Robin said they're going to be there until next week. Ronnie said that she's like Apples and they should be a couple.
Howard said in just a minute they're going to have Ronnie try to figure out what the sexy secret is. He said that this should be fun when they play What's My Sexy Secret. He said on his Instagram it says he's the connoisseur of cunt. Ronnie said it never said that. Howard said he's the Da Vinci of Da Pussy.
Robin asked how long Howard is going to put up with the game. Howard said if they get to question 10 he's probably going to end it.
Howard said people were pointing out how big Ronnie's moustache is. He said he's like that cartoon character Yosemite Sam. Howard said he has the moustache and that chin hair too. He said it's kind of a Colonel Sanders look. Robin said he's like all of them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has turf in his back yard too. He said all his free time he used to take care of his lawn and he had no time for his kids. He said the turf is great. He said fuck Apples too. He said he's sick of that guy. Howard said the turf stuff is too green. He said it should fade or something. Ronnie said it does fade. Howard thanked the caller for defending Ronnie.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who called Apples a one trick pony. She said it aggravates the shit out of him that he lets him pick on Ronnie. Howard said that's the way he rolls. He let her go.
Howard said they're going to play What's My Sexy Secret next. He played the theme song for the game again. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and Fred had Robin singing clips playing over the Van Halen song. Howard said that is on their second album. He said they wrote that album in 3 weeks. He said it's a great album. He said the band claims they didn't plan that much before doing this one. He said they wanted a spontaneous sounding album.
Howard said it's time for What's My Sexy Secret. He said he thought this would be fun for Ronnie and the audience to play along at home. He said they're going to see if Ronnie can figure out some sexy secrets. He said he has the libido of a horny teenager even though he's 70 something. Howard asked what he and Stephanie were up to this weekend. Ronnie said she was on her period but they still got to do a few things. He said they had some sex toy samples they got out in L.A. He said one thing was very small and the size of an egg or so. He said it has a tongue thing on it. He said it's really small. He said the thing flaps. He said it's crazy. Robin asked where you put it. Ronnie said on Stephanie's clit. He said that they both hold it. Howard asked if it runs on batteries. Ronnie said it's rechargeable. He said that it's wild. He said the thing is made of soft rubber. He said it's like a dildo. He said they used it 4 nights in a row. He said they had a good time with it.
Howard asked what Ronnie does during this. Ronnie said he watches and then they get into it. He said she'll do shit with him also. He said she'll do things in the taint area and under the balls. Howard said the egg licked his balls then. Ronnie said it's the vibration that gets you. He said it's crazy.
Howard asked if it looks like a clown nose on her vagina. Ronnie said it does. He said it's bright red too. Howard said it's like a pussy Pac-Man. Ronnie said it has a light in it too. He said it's like a nose that lights up red.
Howard said he heard that Stephanie gets so loud that they had to close the windows. Ronnie said that's right. He said they like to experiment and like to have fun. Howard said they have to close the windows because she's so loud.
Howard said he wants to get to this game. He said they thought this might be kind of fun. Howard said they had this idea for a game and they thought it would be fun to play with Ronnie. He said they found a woman named Evelyn. He said she has a secret and Ronnie is going to try to figure out what it is. He said he can ask all the questions he wants to figure it out. He said he can't think of anyone better to play this with.
Howard had the guys put Evelyn on and she said hello and had some tattoos that the guys pointed out. Howard said he knows the secret but no one else does. Howard said Ronnie is going to ask other some questions to try to figure it out. Howard said one of the secrets is that she's giving Ronnie a boner right now. Ronnie said for sure.
Howard had Ronnie do his thing. Ronnie asked if she was born a woman. Evelyn said yes she was and that's not her secret. Howard had Ronnie ask more. Ronnie asked if she has transitioned. She said she has not. Ronnie asked if this has something to do with her breasts. Evelyn said no. She said it has something to do with her lower body when he asked about that. Ronnie asked if she has some sort of weird tattoo on her body. She said she does but that's not the secret.
Ronnie asked if she has both legs. Evelyn said yes. Ronnie asked if it has something to do with her ass area. Evelyn said no. She said yes to the vagina area. Howard said he's zeroing in on it. Ronnie asked if she has a cock. Evelyn laughed and said no. Ronnie asked if it has to do with her clitoris. She said not really. Howard said the answer is no.
Howard said so far he's doing well. He had Ronnie Puppet ask some questions. He asked if she's wearing a butt plug with a tail on it. She said no. Howard said they have a 7 hour time limit on this so he has to remind Ronnie about that. Ronnie asked Evelyn if it has something to do with her clitoris. She said no to that.
Ronnie puppet asked if she has fancy pubic hair. Evelyn said no to that too. Howard said maybe she's shaved. Howard had Ronnie ask more. Ronnie said it's not that easy. He said he's in the general area. He said that they gave some clue on What's My Line. Howard said the clue is that it's a sexy secret.
Ronnie asked if her pussy is functional. Evelyn said yes. Ronnie asked if it has something to do with the lips of her vagina. Howard said he votes that hey don't end the show until he figures this out. Robin said she's ready to sit there until next week. Ronnie said he's only asked like 10 questions so far. He said he's in the general area. He said he's trying to figure it out.
Ronnie asked if it has something to do with alterations to her vagina. Evelyn said no. Ronnie asked if she has gotten any kind of stuff installed like a clit ring or something. Evelyn said no. Ronnie asked if it has something to do with the interior part of her vagina. She said yes to that.
Howard said he can almost smell the answer now. Ronnie asked if she has a special G-spot in there. Evelyn said no. Ronnie asked if she's a squirter. Evelyn said no to that too.
Ronnie puppet asked if her pussy juice tastes like Vegemite. She said not to that. She had an Australian accent so that's why he asked about that. Howard said she's a very good looking woman. She had a dress on and she said she's pregnant too. Ronnie asked if she has a cock too. She said no. Ronnie puppet asked if she's carrying a koala bear's baby. Evelyn said maybe.
Ronnie said this is hard to figure out. Howard said she is beautiful and she was born a woman. He said they know it has something to do with her vagina. Ronnie asked if it's inverted. She said she's not sure what that means. She said it's an innie. Ronnie said some women have a vagina that's flipped upside down inside.
Howard said Evelyn is very classy and lovely. He said that she has a secret that Ronnie can't figure out. Howard asked if Robin wants to join in and help. Robin asked if her vagina can do something special. Evelyn said no but Howard said he would say yes. He said it does do something special. Robin said now Ronnie can go. Howard said Ronnie is the Perry Mason of Muff. He said he should be able to figure this out. He said he has asked her like 7 times if she was born a man. Ronnie said he asked once. Howard said he did ask if she has a cock after she said she wasn't born a man.
Ronnie asked Evelyn if her vagina works like a vibrator when you stick your penis inside. Evelyn said she wishes but no.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was Arnold Schwarzenegger from the future. Arnold said this is going to go on for 4 hours and it destroys his career and Howard invents machines to destroy mankind. He said he has to end it. Howard closed the door on him.
Howard asked what they have so far. He went over everything they have found out so far. He said something is going on with her vagina. Ronnie asked if its inside or outside the vagina. Evelyn said it's inside. Howard said she already answered that. Ronnie said that he just asked if it was inverted. Ronnie Puppet asked if her vagina plays the clarinet. She said yes but Howard said that's not the secret.
Ronnie asked if she can smoke a cigarette with her vagina. Evelyn said no. He said that sounds like fun though. Ronnie said he can't figure this out. Howard said keep going. Ronnie said he's stumped. He said he's not sure how many questions he can ask and not get answers for. Howard said this is what's great about him. He said he must have been like this in school. Ronnie said he's trying.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Michael Caine who said he wanted to guess. He asked if she's a man. Evelyn laughed. Michael kept asking questions about her having a penis. He asked if her vagina is a penis. Howard said she is a woman. Howard let him go a short time later.
Ronnie said her vagina must do something special. He said he can't figure out what it is. Howard said smoke is coming out of his ears. Ronnie said he knows.
Robin asked Evelyn if she could reveal what she can do to them when they figure it out. Evelyn said yes but then said she can't perform it. Ronnie said it's something like a show she does. Howard said he has to call an end to the game. He said it's gone on a long time. He said it's been like 30 minutes already. Ronnie puppet asked if she has ever gotten a croquet ball stuck in her asshole. Ronnie asked if she can shoot things out of her vagina. Evelyn said she has not tried. Robin asked if her vagina is anatomically like every other woman. Evelyn said no. Robin told Ronnie to take it and go.
Ronnie said he's stumped. Ronnie Puppet asked if she can walk like a snail with her vagina. Robin asked if she has more than one vagina. Evelyn said yes. Howard said Robin got it. He said she has two vaginas. Ronnie asked how that happens. Howard said they'll have her explain it.
Howard said that Evelyn was born with Uterus didelphys and she found out she had two vaginas when tampons didn't work for her. He said that she can technically get pregnant in both vaginas. Howard said that's a fascinating story. He asked if she uses her vagina in special ways. He said she was a former escort in Australia where prostitution is legal. He said she would use one vagina for her man and one for work. Evelyn said that's correct. Howard asked if it's the left or right. Evelyn said the right side is her personal life. She said it was very handy having 2 at the time she was an escort.
Ronnie asked if there are two holes. She said yes. Ronnie said that's really different. Howard said his mind must be blown. Ronnie said that's fucking awesome.
Evelyn said that she gets two periods at the same time. Howard asked her if one is better than the other sexually. Evelyn said that she has always been able to orgasm on the right side easier. She said it depends on the guy she's with. She said that one is deeper than the other one. She said she has to judge the guy and which side to use. Howard said it's almost like she had a home office and a work place. He said for work she directs people to the left. Evelyn said it was like she was never cheating.
Robin asked when she discovered this. Evelyn said she knew something was wrong about 18 and it felt really weird. She said it never felt the same. She said she didn't have anyone to ask because she grew up with her dad. She said she went to have a termination and she was told there was no embryo in there. Then they took another look and it was inside the other uterus. Ronnie asked if she can masturbate with both at the same time. Evelyn said she does that all the time. She said she can have sex and have a dildo in the other side at the same time. Evelyn said that she has two that function but a lot of women who have this condition don't have that.
Howard said he thinks she's very attractive and she must have made a lot of money as an escort. Evelyn said she did alright. She said she didn't tell anyone she had two vaginas. Howard asked how she can direct someone in the right side. She said she can use her hands but she's also able to move her body in ways to direct it. She said she did have some guys who noticed there was something wrong. She said one was a gynecologist. She said it became an exam with him. She said it wasn't very fun after that. She said he was amazed by it. She said it's very rare to find that so it was very interesting to him.
Howard asked Evelyn how many men have been in her right side. Evelyn said maybe 4 or 5. Howard said the other side was a party. Robin asked if she uses both sides with her partner now. Evelyn said yes. She said that her partner uses the right side most of the time but sometimes in the left. She said some positions are better for her.
Evelyn said that she has to be careful not to get both sides pregnant so she can only do one side at a time during times of the month. Howard asked what would happen if she got pregnant in both. Evelyn said that it could be extra stressful on her body and she would have to have them early. She said they have to be careful. She said they can only use the right side at that time of month.
Howard asked if she charged extra for this feature when she was an escort. She said she never revealed that. She said she didn't want to be on the internet and attract strange requests. She said that one guy did figure out that something was wrong and he thought that something was wrong with her and he was quite upset about it.
Howard said Fred has two assholes and he enjoys both of them. Howard asked what advice she would give to a daughter who had this. Evelyn said that she could suggest trying more things and experimenting with it. Howard said this is a really interesting story to him. Ronnie said really.
Howard asked if she would change anything about what she has. Evelyn said not at all. She said she likes having two. Howard asked if she has ever had two UTIs at once. She said that she can have that. She said she hasn't had that. She said she has to have two PAP smears. Robin asked if she has one urethra or two. Evelyn said it's just one.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has the same thing as Evelyn and she guessed it right away. She said she's the only person she's ever heard who had the same thing. Howard asked if women who have this are ashamed to come out with this. The caller said she was a little embarrassed. She said she found out at 18. Howard said Ronnie claims it's something to be proud of. Ronnie said it's cool as shit. Howard asked the caller what side she prefers. The caller, Jeannie, said her husband prefers the right side. She said that she doesn't have as much experience as Evelyn. She said she has two pregnancies but they were in one side.
Howard said that it says there that Evelyn does OnlyFans stuff. Evelyn said she does. She said she would love to have two guys at once. She said she has found guys to film with but then she got pregnant. She said she has to wait until she has her baby. Howard said there are songs celebrating this secret. He played one for her.
Howard asked if she could have a threesome with her two vaginas and her asshole. Evelyn said she has done stuff like that with dildos. She said she has thought about all of that stuff. Howard played another song parody for her.
Howard asked Evelyn if the fans on OnlyFans want to see her pregnant too. She said the pregnancy fetish is way more prevalent than she ever expected. She said that men have a breeding fetish. Robin said they know someone who has that. Robin said they can guess about it. Howard said guys like to pay her to see her pregnant. He asked if they pretend it's their baby or something. Evelyn said yes. She said there have been requests for things like that. Robin said there's so much role playing for that. Evelyn said there really is. She said that people are very free with their thoughts on the internet.
Howard said it's says here that she'll use her breast milk on her husband and jerk him off. She said she doesn't do that on OnlyFans. She said that she can do that on another service. She said that men don't seem to understand that milk doesn't come until you've had the baby. She said they think you have it as soon as you're pregnant.
Howard played another song parody and said this woman claims to have 8 vaginas and 3 assholes. Howard took the call from the fake woman who was talking about all of these things that she has.
Howard played another song parody and said they're endless. Howard played more song parodies and took a call from fake Bubba the Love Sponge who asked Evelyn some questions about what she has done. Howard said they were ridiculous questions and hung up on fake Bubba.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was with a girl who had to have her colon removed so she didn't have an asshole. He said he could play with it and there was never a chamber. Howard said this guy is into another whole trip. Howard said he's looking for a woman with no asshole. Ronnie said not him.
Howard said this is very interesting. Ronnie said it's cool as shit. He said he'd be having a ton of fun with that. He said the shit would be going down if he had that.
Howard asked why Evelyn got out of the escort business. He said she must have been very successful. Evelyn said she was a nurse and she missed the normality. She said it was a very different life. She said its very safe down there so she didn't feel unsafe. She said they're very lucky with the safety nets they have there. She said everyone was very lovely down there. She said it was very positive. She said she got to travel a lot with them too. She said that she could have friendships with them after seeing them for a couple of years.
Howard asked if her family knew about it. Evelyn said they did. She said there was an article on Facebook about it so they all knew about it. Evelyn said that she was the girlfriend experience type of escort so it wasn't just about fucking. She said it was dinners and parties and stuff. She said it was very hard to keep things private. She said she never fell for any of the guys. Ronnie asked if her husband was a customer. She said no and he did struggle with the whole thing when she was an escort. She said they film stuff with other guys and girls so he knows what it's like for her now that they're a couple and have had fights and had to fuck after a fight.
Howard asked what she would charge for a weekend. She said it was like 10k a weekend. Howard said that he would take her out to parties and things to show her off. Evelyn said yes. She said that they were long bookings. Howard asked if it was like Pretty Woman. Evelyn said that she has had some really hot guys and really good sex which was nice. She said she felt like she got what she needed from clients for the most part.
Howard asked if she desired sex a lot. Evelyn said she did. Howard asked if the guys would get more than one woman. Evelyn said one guy had like 5 women. She said she had a fun time with all of that. Ronnie asked f the other girls were jealous of her two pussies. She said she kept that a secret for the most part.
Howard asked if women ever hired her. Evelyn said she did have a client who got attached. She said that they'd try to find out where she lived and things like that. Howard said this woman fell in love with her. Ronnie asked who wouldn't fall in love with two pussies.
Howard asked how she got rid of the woman who was trying to follow her. Evelyn said she had to tell her that she had a partner.
Howard played another song parody about her two vaginas. He asked Evelyn if she's shocked by the number of songs they have about that. She said she liked that one. Howard said she sounds delightful. Robin said this is the most positive thing about escorts they've ever had. Howard said there were no bad experiences. Evelyn said that's not the same for everyone. She said that was just her.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Jeff Goldblum who said he's shooting his fly jizz all over the living room. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said this is some story. He asked if Ronnie is okay. Ronnie said he is. Robin said he has been changed by this. Ronnie asked if she's ever cum at the same time with both of them. Evelyn said she has. She said that's why she uses that dildo with her partner. She said he gets upset about it sometimes. Howard said Robin must be feeling down with just one vagina. Robin said she's not that competitive. She said she doesn't need 3. Howard said that Ronnie Puppet is very excited about this. the puppet said he has to yell at Stephanie about not having 2 now. He asked Evelyn if she's able to queef with both of them. Evelyn said she has never tried.
Howard thanked Evelyn for sharing her story. She thanked him for having her on. Howard asked how stall she is. She said she's 164 centimeters. Howard said he has no idea how tall that is. He said this is all too crazy.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Tracy Morgan who said he wants to get both of her vaginas pregnant. Howard quickly closed the door on him.
Evelyn said she no longer escorts so she wants everyone to know that. She said she quit years ago. Howard said she's about 5'4'' according to the guys who did some calculations. Howard said she must have to get dressed up when she escorts. Evelyn said that's correct. She said she would have to cover up her tattoos for many of her client. She said others liked to see as much as they could.
Howard said they celebrate her for having two vaginas. He said that Ronnie loves it. He said it's just amazing. He said that Ronnie already has a fantasy about it. Ronnie laughed. Ronnie Puppet said that if she's ever in a bad neighborhood she should use one pussy to hide her money.
Howard played one last song parody about Evelyn and her two pussies. Howard wished Evelyn luck what her baby and her two vaginas. Evelyn thanked them for having her on. Howard let her go.
Howard said he thought Ronnie would figure it out. He said he didn't crack it. He said Robin figured it out. Howard said that's What's My Sexy Secret. He played the theme song again. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said he likes the chorus in this song. He said it gets him jacked up. He said he misses the 90s. He said he loved the 90s. He said he believes the renaissance of music in the 90s was very good. Robin said she prefers now. She said you can still listen to that. Howard told her to stop it. He said he's no longer in love with her. He asked Fred to build him a time machine so he can go back to the 90s. Fred played some building sounds. Robin said he gets right on something.
Howard said he heard from Steve Kingston who was their Program Director at K-Rock. He said he was reminding him that they gave away a prize where 92 listeners got to enjoy a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and that was all there was in the crowd. He said he vaguely remembers that. He said he thinks this was at the top of the World Trade Center. He said they did a concert for 92 of their listeners. He said that's insane. Robin asked why she didn't go. Howard said he asked the same thing. He asked what they were busy with.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Burger King being sued over their advertising. He asked if Jon Hein and Roster can give their thoughts on that. Howard said Rooster isn't on but he can ask Jon Hein. He got Jon on and asked what's going on. Jon said they say that the Whopper is bigger by 35 percent in the ads. He said he's not a fan of Burger King but that's just not fair. He said a lot of places do that with their ads. Robin said the may not be taking pictures of the actual product. Robin said they make it look the most appetizing.
Howard asked Jon if he thinks Burger King will win. Jon said he thinks it'll be dismissed. Howard asked if the caller is satisfied with that. The caller said he is.
Howard asked if Jon might get sued over having his hair spray done when he was doing his sports show. Jon said he can't talk about that so he'll take the 5th on that.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he wants to interview Trent Reznor. Howard said yes. The caller asked if he has been asked. Howard said he doesn't bother people. He said that most of the interviews you hear are people asking to come on the show. He said they will do an outreach and ask someone to come on. He said they're not a pushy show. He said he doesn't play that game of demanding that someone comes on first.
Howard said there's Beth and his brother in law. He said they all got tested and they're in the same house. He asked Beth to come in. He said this is Doug Ostrosky. He said he's a funny guy.
Howard said Doug asked about Bang O'clock and he and Beth actually did it. He said he thinks it has to do with Doug. Howard said Beth told him she was ''clean, clean'' and he had to run right in to be with her. Howard said Doug and the kids are all there. He said they were all tested so they're good.
Howard said that COVID is no joke. He said he's being careful. He said call him what you want.
Beth said she's frazzled this morning. She said she's busy with so much. She said her parents are coming this afternoon. She said they're all being tested right now. Howard said they all have to be tested and tested again when they get back. Robin said they live there so they're going home and coming back in the morning.
Beth asked how they could get exposed to COVID if they're just going home. Howard said they could stop and get gas or something. Robin said if they wear masks they'll be fine. Howard said they won't. Beth said she's going to trust that they will do what they have to do. Howard said how about if her parents come there today and they go home. He said then they come back there. He asked why they can't be tested again. He said he doesn't want COVID so he'll do whatever he has to. He said that they could run into their neighbor. Beth said they're going to go back home and come back in the morning. Beth said she'll tell them to wear their masks from the condo to their car.
Howard said he and Doug were talking about Beth and Doug said that she had ''snatch burn'' and Beth finds it funny. He said if he says that hen she gets upset. Beth said that's her brother so that's different. Howard said he pounded her too hard and that gave it to her. He said he was so proud of that. He said they made love yesterday and he said he was only putting half in. He said she was find with that. He said he went for it though. Beth said it was good. She said it's always good.
Howard asked if she's okay. Beth said no because her parents are coming and she gets like that all the time. Howard said she's always like that.
Howard asked if he should tell everyone about what she did. Beth said no. Howard said that they keep stuff private if she wants. Beth said the world didn't need to know that she had an infection. Howard said he was proud that his penis gave it to her. Robin said she tried to explain to him that it's not good to talk about that. Howard said Doug likes that story. He said he likes Doug so much because he talks about that. He said the thought that his penis is dangerous is great. Beth said this isn't the first time it's happened.
Beth said she's going to go. She said he's going to tell the story. Howard said he won't tell it. Beth said she peed outside. She said that's the story. She said he took a picture of the pee and sent it to her later. Howard said she had just peed and she had to go again. He said that she didn't want to walk home so he found a spot for her to go. He said that she was going to go in a tick infected space. He said he found a good spot and stood guard. He said he ran back and took a picture of it. Beth said Howard peed on top of her pee outside yesterday. Howard said she's been with him for 25 years now so she must realize she's with a 12 year old.
Howard said he rescued a gecko. He said that their cat Grogu was playing with it. He said he was torturing it. Beth said he was batting it around. She said he wasn't torturing it. Howard said the tail of the gecko came off and he knew somehow that they can control the tail remotely somehow. He said the cat was playing with the tail. He said it was moving around. He said Beth said he has to go rescue the tail and get it out of there. He said he didn't want to touch it. He said that he had to do something or Beth would never have sex with him again. He said that his dad used to be in charge of that stuff in his house. He said that Beth takes care of the spiders and things like that.
Howard said he got like 50 paper towels to get the tail out of there. He said that they looked it up online and found out he was right about the tail thing. Beth said she bets that they can only do it once. She said that he may not be able to do it again. She said the saddest part of the story is that the gecko ran off in the house and she never did find it. She said the whole story is heartbreaking.
Howard said he took the towels and threw them outside. He said he wasn't going to touch that. Robin said she doesn't like touching anything like that either. Howard said tomorrow they have Molly Shannon coming in. He said that she wrote a really heavy book. He said she's going to talk about that.
Howard said they loved Jimmy Kimmel's monologue on Marjorie Taylor Greene. Beth said they love all of his monologues. Beth said she's feeling light headed. Howard asked if she ate breakfast. Beth said she forgot. Howard said he wishes he could forget breakfast. He said how about she just tells the parents to come today and that's it. He said they can stay home tomorrow. Beth said she wants to be with her grand kids while they're there. Beth and Howard were coming up with some ideas for how to make that whole thing work.
Howard said he usually helps Beth with her parents. He said that today is different. Howard said Doug has to be on this. Doug was yelling from the back of the room and could barely be heard.
Beth said this was boring. Howard said no it wasn't. He said people want to hear about her peeing outside. He said that he wants to talk about his penis inuring her. He said he was so proud of that. He said he shouldn't have said anything. Beth said it's fine. Howard said tell the parents today that he did some real damage. Beth wondered if this is going to get to them. Howard said the parents give her anxiety. He said just tell them.
Howard said High Pitch Erik wrote to Beth about getting some free stuff. He said he's such a grub. Beth said it wasn't just one item. She said it was a bunch of stuff. Howard said Erik wrote in and asked Beth for some free stuff. He said he asked for a 4X Helen Rose t-shirt. He said he wanted a tote bag too. Howard said he told Beth to just delete it. Robin said having that shirt on would be like having a traveling billboard. Beth said she was selling it for charity and he's asking for free ones. Howard said he can afford it so stop it. He said he can make a donation to Ukraine. Beth said she was able to write a very large check to Petco for the Ukraine support. She said it was very moving and beautiful.
Howard said he can see it in her eyes that her parents are coming. Beth said she just has anxiety. Howard said she just wants to do everything right. Beth said she has to get ready for the next 4 hours. Howard said he's going to eat lunch and go to bed. Beth said she's going to do some Hydrow. Howard said Doug can stay if he wants. Doug went off with Beth when she left.
Howard said he has to go deal with his parents. He said she thinks she has it bad. He said how about his parents. Howard said High Pitch Erik has no shame. He said he asks for free charity items.
Howard read some fan feedback about last weeks shows. He read some stuff about Ronnie and what the fans were saying about the stuff they did with him last week. Howard said Amy Schumer is coming in on Wednesday after she had to reschedule.
Howard read some fan feedback about JD and what the talked to him about last week. Howard said he took JD out to dinner at Nobu years ago and he refused to eat fish. JD said he had some fish there. He said he loves rock shrimp so he would have had that.
Howard goofed on JD for saying ''aten'' instead of ''eaten.'' He said this is a college grad. JD said he went to Full Sail so that's not really college.
Howard read more about JD in the fan feedback. The Wrap Up Show did a poll asking people if they can relate to JD in his fear of changing his sides at a restaurant. He said 27 percent of the people said they can.
Howard said they got a lot of mail about something he mentioned about residual checks from Private Parts. He said that people asked what he did with the $3 check he got. He said he deposited it. He said if it was 19 cents he'd deposit it. He said he doesn't throw away money. He said there was a magazine called Spy Magazine who would send out checks for really low amounts to rich people to see if they would deposit them. He said they did it to Trump and he deposited it. He said he admires that. He said you don't just throw money away.
Howard said someone asked what the highest amount was he ever got from the movie. He said that he never expected to get that check. He said he didn't know that they would send him residuals. He said maybe it was like $13 or something. He said once in a while he gets one for $3. He said he's not sure how all of that works.
Howard said maybe he should go up and help his wife out. He said she was on edge. He asked if Robin gets residual checks. Robin said it may have run out. She said she got something from Letterman for a show she did in the 90s. She said she was only on once back then. She said it was like $1.15 or something. Howard said he gets these too. He said he gets a little something here and there. He said it's wrong to throw them out. Robin said every little bit helps.
Howard mentioned the Sam Kinison special they're running this week on Howard 101. He said they have Molly Shannon tomorrow and Amy Schumer on Wednesday. He thanked Evelyn for coming on today too. He ended the show around 10:10am.
Howard started the show saying ''Oh no'' over and over. He told Robin to turn her microphone on. Robin said it was on. Howard said they couldn't hear her. Robin asked why he's groaning. Howard said he just realized it was another day. He said it's just the thought of it that's overwhelming at times.
Howard said he's alive so he's moaning. He said that's just what he does. He asked how long it's been since Will Smith smacked Chris Rock. Robin said about two weeks. Howard said everyone is moving on from it and he enjoyed the whole thing. He said he liked the slap and analyzing it all. Robin said she spent part of her weekend watching people decide what's wrong with Will Smith. She said you get one opinion after another. She said it was toxic masculinity to he's losing his masculinity because of this woman. She said it was a string of different people from all over who were pontificating about the relationship. She said some people are saying in the last 2 years Will has really changed and things aren't going well for him. Howard said he wishes he had any masculinity. He said he's sick of being feminine. Howard said Amy Schumer is coming on tomorrow so they can ask her about it. He said he'd like to keep the story going because he thought it was going away. He said he'd like to be in the thread that Robin was in.
Robin said Will knew he could get away with it. She said that they didn't get upset with him immediately but he got on and off of that stage without a scuffle. Howard said he thinks it's better to talk about that than Ukraine, COVID and Trump. He said he blew up about all of that stuff last night. He said he can't talk to someone who sings the praises of that guy. He said he doesn't get it. He said every day he wakes up to Morning Joe with the Ukraine stuff. He said he's not sure what this Putin is looking for in his life. He said he's making his army look incompetent. Robin said the bigger story is China who is making its move as a world power and they want to be top dog. Howard said good, let them be top dog.
Robin said this is going to affect us. She said that the want to rule the world and they have given Russia the okay to go ahead because they have their back. Howard said he thought Biden went to speak to President Xi. He said he hates communism and all of that. He said that they make it seem like everything will be wonderful but it's not true. He said the bottom line is if you pay someone to work they'll work. He said if you take away all of their freedoms they won't work. He said if he had to make the same kind of money that Mad Dog and Human Numan make then he's not going to work hard.
Howard said he does have good news about Ukraine. He said Bigfoot got in touch with Wolfie and said if they can put him in touch with Putin he could negotiate peace. He said he was serious too. He said it's probably their fault but they made a phony phone call to him with fake Melania Trump and he still thinks it's true. He said they told him it wasn't really her. He said they called him as Joe Biden not too long ago too and he thinks that's all real. He said they talked to Bigfoot and he thinks he can get Putin to come around if he can speak to him. Howard said they had an Obama impersonator come in to talk to Bigfoot and the guy looked nothing like Obama but Bigfoot thinks he knows him too.
Howard played some audio of Bigfoot talking to Wolfie about how good he is as a negotiator. Wolfie said he's the guy to get this job done then. He told him not to back down. Bigfoot said he doesn't back down from anything.
Howard said Bigfoot asked Wolfie for weeks to set up a meeting with Putin. He said they were working on their Russian impression to get that done. He said this is it. He said this is Putin meeting Bigfoot. In the clip they had Chris Wilding doing the impression of Putin. He talked to Bigfoot who was trying to work things out and saying he has connections to Biden and Melania. Bigfoot said he has spoken to both of them on his home phone.
Howard said he's doing pretty well. He said this gets pretty heavy. He said Putin tried to intimidate Bigfoot with his nuclear arsenal. He said Bigfoot held his own. Fake Putin told Bigfoot that he has his finger over the button right now. He asked if he can blow Alaska up. Bigfoot said he can do whatever he wants. Putin said he got rid of the polar bears and Bigfoot laughed saying he doesn't care about them. Then Putin blew up Canada for Bigfoot. He said that he has blown up Alaska and Canada. Bigfoot said fuck Canada.
Howard said this went on and off the rails when Bigfoot said he loves Putin. In the next clip Bigfoot told Putin about what he has done with his mail man and he was trying to get to Putin that way. Howard said he's like James Bond sleeping with his enemies.
Howard said after Canada was blown up it was like an aphrodisiac for Bigfoot. He said every time they get Bigfoot involve din a phone thing it ends up turning into phone sex.
Howard played another clip where Bigfoot talked about how he loves Putin. Fake Putin said he might be in love with him too. He told him he wants him to make a white Russian in his ass. He was telling Bigfoot to stick his finger up his ass and then rub it on his face.
Howard said this is some negotiation. He said they're getting somewhere now. Robins said everyone is being forgotten in this. She said he's forgetting about all the people. Howard said Bigfoot has to whisper sometimes because he's in the group home. He said he is aware there are other patients there. He said he thinks Bigfoot would give Ronnie a good run for his money with the sex talk.
Howard played a clip where fake Joe Biden got on the line with Bigfoot and told him what's going on in Alaska and Russia. Bigfoot didn't care. He said at least they're not human beings. He said he's sick of being screwed over by Biden. Fake Putin was asking Bigfoot to have a threesome with them. Bigfoot was up for it all. He said he'd even take a big shit on his chest if he wanted him to. Fake Biden asked for some lemonade from him. He asked how much piss he has. Fake Biden started to laugh at his own lines. Bigfoot asked for the medal of freedom. They said they can do that for him.
Howard said if only it was that easy to have world peace. Robin said he offered himself up for our benefit. Howard said Bigfoot was so taken with himself that they called a friend to brag about what he had just done. Howard played a clip of Bigfoot talking to his friend but it was kind of hard to hear the friend.
Howard said this actually took an hour and 13 minutes. He said they had to edit it down. He said they may release it as a special eventually so everyone can hear it.
Howard got Wolfie on the line and asked him about what his family did after. He said they called to confirm if the story was true. Wolfie said he was getting calls all night long about it. He said his siblings were all calling to ask if it was real. Howard asked if they don't know his real story. He said that they can't be serious. Wolfie said he questions who in that family got the brains. He said it's kind of strange. He said they all thought it was real too. He said he had to break the news to them.
Robin said they think that a guy in a halfway house is negotiating with world leaders. Howard said by calling Wolfie the hope is alive. He said if it was on the news it would be heartbreaking. Robin said she's just getting a picture of this family now. Wolfie said she has no idea. Howard said maybe they can get the whole family on the show. Wolfie said he's not sure he'd want to. He said that's all he'll say about that.
Howard said Bigfoot is trying to negotiate at least. Wolfie said he has a laundry list of things he has problems with. He said he has issues with a lot of politicians. Wolfie said there were other cities that were decimated in the call and the family was asking about them too.
Howard said that they could just look out the window and see that Canada is fine. Wolfie said one of the brothers was upset that Bigfoot was going to get a medal of freedom. Howard said he should have recorded that call because that sounds great. He said the family should have checked to see if Canada was fine. He said they didn't have to call him.
Howard did his impression of what the brother's call might have sounded like with him asking about the stuff Bigfoot told them.
Howard took a call from a guy in Canada who was upset with Bigfoot getting them blown up. Howard said later on they learn that Bigfoot will give Kim Jong Un a rim job. He said that they should call him and tell him to talk to Kim Jong Un. Wolfie said he'd make that call in 2 seconds.
Howard thanked Wolfie for the update. He said he likes it. Robin said Bigfoot lost his girlfriend and she thinks he's moving on to bigger things.
Ty said shout out to his dad who has been listening to Howard since the 80s. He said he got him on today. Howard said good luck to him and he'll be a man this weekend.
Howard said this will all get him nowhere. He said that's what he has learned. Ty said that's what he keeps saying. Howard said after this get guitar lessons and become the next Eddie Van Halen. Ty said he'll do that.
Howard asked if Ty has a girlfriend. Ty said he's trying. He said he's going to dances and trying to get to second base. Howard said he had a girlfriend named Irene at his age. He said she was very beautiful. He said that she was the hottest girl at the time. He said he had a girlfriend and he got to dance with her at his Bar Mitzvah. He said Ty better hurry up and find a girl for his Bar Mitzvah.
Howard said he has to slow him down with second base. He said he has to get to first before second. Ty said he knows. Howard told him about Irene and what happened with her. He said now she's an old woman. He said he blew it with her.
Ty said he got his first girlfriend when he was in 5th grade. He said her name was Elena. He said he went out with her for like 2 weeks. Robin said that's a long time in his life. Howard asked how he met her. He said the first girl he slow danced with liked him. He said dancing helps. Ty agreed. He said he loves to dance too.
Howard asked what kind of music he listens to at 13. Ty said it's all different types. He said it's old 80s music to rap. He said Travis Scott and people like that. Howard asked how many people will be at the Bar Mitzvah. Ty said they have a DJ and they'll have all different types of music. He said it's going to be sports themed. He said it's going to be great hopefully.
Howard said his mother almost ruined his Bar Mitzvah. He said she wanted to have a violin playing there instead of music. He said his father stepped in and got her to play some music. He said she wanted to have conversation instead of not being able to hear anything. Howard said his father prevailed and they got a band to play.
Howard said the theme of his Bar Mitzvah was ''no fun.'' He said that the place he had his at burned down years later. Howard did his impression of his mother talking about the music thing.
Ty said he thinks that questioning what you can do after is insane. He said you can't drive or drink or smoke. Howard said he was told about all of the lessons he was learning and he was told he would be a man. He said he didn't know what they meant. Howard said Ty is with it so he gets it. Howard said he thought that the day he became 13 that God was going to visit him and tell him something to make him a man. He said nothing happened. He said he didn't even have facial hair. Ty said neither does he. Howard said he was scared out of his mind about it all. He said he thought things were going to go down but nothing did. He said he was told that God would be watching.
Ty told Howard that his grandparents wanted to do stuff with him for his Bar Mitzvah. He said he just wants to chill when he visits with them. He said they really just wanted to help him. Howard said he wasn't loved like Ty is. He said no one was proud and no one cared. He said being loved is highly over rated. He said everyone gets their nose in your business.
Howard said when he was growing up he was tolerated and not loved. He said he used to say to himself that he doesn't get why his parents had children when they don't enjoy them. He said Ty seems to be a delight. He said he must be loved.
Howard said he has this guy Ronnie on the show and he has him reading Hebrew. He said check this out. He played some audio for Ty of Ronnie reading the Bar Mitzvah prayer stuff. Howard said this guy is barely a Jew. Ty said any Jew who knows how to speak Hebrew that's a solid 2. He said anyone else would think it wasn't so great. Howard said after he read that he didn't become a man. He said he's still waiting.
Howard said Ronnie never studied. Howard played a song the guys put together with Ronnie reading the prayer. Howard said you should hear him speak English. He said it's even worse. Ty said he's scared of blanking in the middle of it and sounding like that. Howard said Ty sounds bright and he'll be fine. He said his singing voice sounds good.
Howard asked if he has a speech prepared. Ty said he does and he'll be talking about how happy he is and about his family. He said it's about how much he loves them and all of that. Howard said throw something in about him talking to him on the radio. Ty said he will.
Howard asked if the girl he has the crush on will be there. Ty said she will. Howard said maybe drop her name in the speech. Howard told him to like girls who like him back. He asked if he's good looking or ugly like him. Ty said don't say that about yourself. Howard asked if he looks like Timothee Chalamet. Ty said he's not sure who that is. He said he's not sure who he looks like. Howard said how about Pete Davidson. Howard said maybe he looks like Harry Potter. Ty said he's not a witch or whatever he is. He said he has longer hair than him.
Howard asked Ty if his voice is changing. Ty said it is. Howard said he remembers picking up the phone and people thinking he was the woman of the house. Ty said his voice is changing. Howard asked if he has hair under his arm pits. Ty said not yet. He said he doesn't really need deodorant yet.
Howard asked what his favorite movie is. Ty said he likes the movie Step Brothers with Will Ferrell. Howard said his movie is a scream. Ty said his dad likes that. He said he talks about it a lot. Howard said there is some nudity in it so he may not be ready for that. He said he might know about all of that from the internet though. Ty said he's a good kid. He said he doesn't know about it. Howard said that's good.
Robin asked Ty what kind of music he likes. Ty said he likes 80s rap. He said he's getting into the newer stuff too. He said those songs were good back then. He said he likes 90s rap too. Howard said he could be his son. He likes what he's saying about this stuff. He said he likes his whole scene. He wished him luck with his party and getting a girlfriend. He said he thinks he's ready. Ty said he's about to get to school. He said he has a playoff baseball game today. He said he's a catcher. Howard said be careful with that bat near your mouth. He said wear a cage. Ty said last time the played this team they beat them by like 23. He said they were really bad.
Howard said keep playing sports. He said he has a belly and he probably wouldn't if he had played sports. He said keep doing it and you'll get plenty of girls. Ty said he goes to the gym every morning with his dad. Howard asked what he benches. Ty said its not that much. He said he does like 85 at 10 reps. He said he can squat a lot more. Howard said he can squat his own body weight and barely got through it. He said he had no weights. He said he's not in good shape. He said he has a hot wife too. He said if you told him at his age that he'd have this wife he would have said you're crazy.
Howard said keep up the good work and he'll get there. He said no one picked him for any teams. Ty said he was told that he could be at the varsity level as a catcher. He said he knows a lot of people who are picked last all the time. Howard said he was a loser like that. He said no one wanted him on their team. He said he got older and got famous and showed them.
Robin said he is famous out they still don't want him on his team. Howard said he was a loser and Ty wouldn't have wanted him on their team.
Ty said he's at school so he has to go in. He told Howard about his uniform and what that was. Howard said he wishes he could have had a uniform. He said his mother dressed him instead. He said it was horrible. He said she'd put him in slacks with penny loafers. He said no wonder no one liked him. Ty said it's not bad because the shorts are kind of cool. Howard said it's cool if everyone has to wear the same thing.
Ty thanked Howard and Robin for letting him come on the show. He said he has to go to school. Howard said he's a good kid. He said his mom basically put a kick me sign on his back when he was a kid. He said this gets him charged up.
Howard said this is all of the stuff he should have been doing at this kid's age. He said his parents seem to enjoy him. He said maybe when he gets to his age he won't resent taking care of his parents. He said not that he does. He said his mom is still in the hospital. He said don't ask what's going on. Robin asked if they know what's going on with her. Howard said yes and he understands it now. He said she's off of oxygen. He said he asked them to keep her one more day. He said she loves the hospital now. Robin said must people don't. Howard said he has 75 people watching her but she doesn't think she can take care of herself at home. Howard said it's like running a summer camp for her. He said he's the head counselor.
The caller said that she's done with this and she's having conversations with God over it. She broke down crying. She said she's 51 and she's really sick of this. She said she was super healthy and now she's completely dependant.
Howard said these people are pretending that COVID is over. He said he's glad she called in. The caller, Sheri, said that you get tested and they think nothing is wrong with you. She said the feeling she has is this feeling of being heavy and just showering can take her out for the day. She said that she only does one thing a day. Howard said he read an article about a woman who was just like her who has the same issues. He said this is what some people are going through. He said you can end up like this if you're not lucky.
Howard took a call from Lane who called in yesterday talking about COVID and saying that the vaccines aren't working. Sheri said they are working. She said that they came out with a study today saying that this may hide in your fat. Howard said Lane has to stop with this nonsense.
Sheri said that some people are saying that COVID was no big deal but it's different for everyone. Howard asked Lane if he gets it now. Lane said they have to open up to both sides. Howard said no he doesn't. Lane said he had over 1000 people come to his office and he said that if you wear a mask then you're fine. He said he got COVID even though he was wearing a mask. Howard said he sees how people wear masks. He said you know as well as he does that you have to wash your hands because you touch your face after. He said you have to follow protocol. He said of course masks work.
Lane went on with his story about how he had 4 guys in trucks and the two guys who got COVID were vaccinated. He said the other two didn't get it. Howard said the vaccine doesn't prevent you from getting it. He said it helps you if you get it. He said it can mitigate the symptoms. He said that's it. He said he has to get out of this.
Howard thanked Sheri and Lane for the calls. He said that Lane is really annoying. Howard said he knows people who got COVID even when they wore masks. He said they don't know how they got it. He said the vaccine isn't going to stop it. He said it just lowers the symptoms. Robin said the flu vaccine is the same way. She said you can still get the flu but it'll probably keep you out of the hospital. She said it's the same deal.
Howard had some audio of Chris Rock's brother Tony talking about the slap. He played the clip and Tony said if you have a problem with what he says this ain't the Oscars. He said if you walk up there and he's not holding back.
Howard said he had no idea there were 7 Rock brothers and a sister. He said he's glad he doesn't have a sibling in radio. He said he thinks the whole family is in comedy. He said even the mom.
Howard played a clip of a comedian, Eric Griffin, who said that Chris' joke wasn't that bad. He said that guy is funny. He said he's a regular guest on the Wrap Up Show. He said he didn't know that. Jon Hein said he's very funny.
Howard said Jerrod Carmichael is going to be coming in soon. He said he had this to say on Saturday Night Live. He played some of the audio from his monologue.
Howard said Michael Che and Colin Jost went after him too. He played some audio from their Weekend Update segment.
Howard said people were roasting Will and Jada on their podcasts. Howard had a clip to play of a guy going off on Will and Jada.
Howard said there's a ton of clips on social media too. He played a remix that was up on TikTok. He said the staff made their own song from the slap too. He played that for Robin.
Howard said they banned him from the Oscars but he's thinking his future movies could be in question. Robin said there were plans for some movies that have been slowed down. She said they're wondering how people will react to Will now.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said he remembers being somewhere and Rihanna and Jay-Z were there. Jay-Z introduced Rihanna to him as ''my artist'' and shortly after that she blew up. He said that he had never heard anyone introduce someone like that.
Howard said that song was turned down by Britney Spears. He said she should have grabbed it. Robin said she just announced she might be pregnant and she might have a husband. Howard said he doesn't know about that.
Howard said Mary J Blige passed on the song too. He said she was too busy and didn't think it fit her style. Robin said she can see that. She said Britney she can see with this song.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Tom Arnold (Craig Gass). Howard said he's here to say hello. Fake Tom said he was hoping to have this conversation off the air but apparently he doesn't like to speak privately. Howard said he doesn't mind having it on the air. Tom said listening to the show it's clear to him that he's a sex addict. Howard said he loves him but that seems to be his thing. He said he also sounds like he just ran a marathon. Tom said he knows. Howard said he's not a sex addict.
Tom said Howard has been talking about sex more than ever. He said they're having people masturbate on hats and stuff. He said that Howard is spending a lot of time talking about sex with Beth too. Howard said he didn't masturbate this weekend at all.
Tom told Howard to just admit he's a sex addict. Howard said he's not though. He said he likes hearing about sex on the show. Robin said a sex addict could never stay home like Howard does. Tom said the first thing he has to do is admit it. He said he knows it's tough. Howard said he doesn't think he has a problem with porn. Tom said he was in denial so he's been there. Robin asked how his life is affected poorly by this. Tom said when he was married to Roseanne he wore out 3 mouse pads and he was on dial-up.
Tom told Howard he has to open up to God and admit that he's addicted to porn. Howard said he loves hearing from him but he's not addicted to sex. Tom told him to put the lube down and pick up a bible.
Howard said he thinks Tom might be the one who needs help. He let him go a short time later. Howard said last time the did that people thought it was real Tom Arnold. He said it seems every time he calls he has another problem.
Howard said that wasn't the real Tom but as close and you can get.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his wife got vaccinated and she got the booster shot. He said he got her a squirt blanket which is a nice blanket and he put it in her ass and she squirted all over the blanket. He said the blanket opened up her openness level. He said he'd recommend getting a squirt blanket. Howard said alright then. He thanked him for sharing that. He said a squirt blanket sounds like the thing. He said it sounds like he bought her a tarp and not a blanket. He said he believes what Mark was saying is that he got his wife a special blanket that his wife would feel comfortable enough to squirt on and she opened up. Howard said this is just women urinating. He said that's all that happened there. He said he finds it gross. He said he won't watch videos of that. He said he's not turned on by a woman urinating. He said he's very traditional.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's getting divorced and going through mediation. Howard said he's having a hard time understanding him. He said he sounds like he's on a speaker phone or headset. The caller said he's driving. Howard told him to pull over. The caller went on to say his wife had an affair and he's divorcing and they have a little girl. He said he tried to save the marriage. He said he was asking for advice as far as mediation and lawyers. He said he's trying not to drag this along with the kid. Howard said this is such a loaded question. He said he doesn't know his financial situation and all of that. He asked if he's glad to get rid of her. The caller said he's done at this point. He said that he has a 5 year old daughter and a house the just got not that long ago. He said his wife has put on some weight and lost some. He said he was in denial about the whole thing for a while.
Howard asked how he caught her. The caller said that he gave his daughter an iPad and it was synced to his wife's phone. He said that he saw the emails on there and he busted her on Christmas day. He was telling the story but his phone connection was sounding awful so Howard was going to bail. Howard said the bottom line is that he doesn't know his situation. He said if his wife makes more money than he does it's going to be an issue. He said mediation is a great way to go if he can do that. He said it all depends on his options too.
Howard asked if the caller has gotten laid. The guy said he has no problem with that. He was about to let him go but the caller said that he'd love to shoot tons of loads in Debbie the Cum Lady. Howard said she's rarely in the city but maybe he can do that. Robin said he can't do that. Howard said she's right. He said he doesn't want to be responsible for something like that. He let the guy go.
Howard said he knows guys that can get laid and they're not asking for Debbie the Cum Lady. He said that he has to take a break and get to Molly Shannon. He said he read her book and he went through it pretty fast because it was pretty compelling. He said he's probably angrier about her life than she is.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said this is a good song. He said they're singing about Stalinism. He said it's the Cult of Personality.
Howard said Molly Shannon is well known from Saturday Night Live and she wrote a book about her life. Howard said hello to her. Molly said she's so excited to be there. She said he doesn't know. Howard said he likes that he's interviewing her about her book and his book is all over the studio there. He said it's so hard promoting a book. He said that he read her whole book and it's so heavy. Molly said she heard him talking to Dave Grohl about turning his whole book into a big show. She said she feels like she has to do that.
Howard said Molly pours her heart out in the book. He said what drove him crazy was her father. He said he did the most monstrous thing. He said she needed a father so she had to love him because that's all she had. He said he's almost glad he didn't know all of this horrible stuff when she was on Saturday Night Live. He said he would have felt sad for her if he knew. Molly said she knows what he means. She said it gives context to some of her work. She said she understands how he sees things.
Howard said when Molly was a little girl at 4 years old she was with her dad and her mom in the car and her two sisters and a cousin were in there too. He said Dad was loaded and he was drunk driving. They're in an accident and one of her sisters dies. He said she was in the hospital and her mom died. She saw her mom die. He said her older cousin also died in the accident. He said that he can't think what's worse than a 4 year old seeing her mother die. He said it's very strange that dad never apologized for it and no one called him out for it. He said she even describe that his sister took him in and took care of him. He had just killed her child. He said he's' not sure how you deal with that.
Molly said that he will say that he never wavered from his story. She said he claims he asked her mom to drive. He said that he had taken a nap and she thought he was fine to drive. This was in 1968 so it was long before all of the drunk driving stuff. She said that everyone let him drive and didn't think anything of it. She said she's not trying to excuse him from this. She said that he had driven 90 minutes and they were 18 minutes from home too. She said that she think that he could have nodded off. She said the drinking could have caused that. She said that he never changed his story and he says that he wanted her mom to drive. She said that he had to learn to walk again and she did admire him for trying so hard after. She said he felt guilty about the whole thing. She said that he was very upset about the whole thing when he heard the news. She said he lived with that his whole life. She said he did talk to her late in life about it and she said he never stopped thinking about it.
Molly said she gets why Howard would be so upset. Howard said his mom lost her mother when she was 9. He asked if she remembers her mom at all now. She was only 4 when she lost her. Molly said she thinks about Howard's mom losing her mom. She said it completely changes your life. She said that her heart goes out to his mom. Howard said if you lose your mom you're an orphan even if you have a dad. He said that's what his mom would say. He said her dad kicked her out of the house early. He said at least Molly's dad took care of her. She said that he was fun and silly and he deeply loved her. She said he did love her and she felt she had to write about that in the book. Howard said she nailed it with that.
Howard asked how the aunt can let it go. He said that she took her dad in and that was the mother of the cousin that died. Howard said he can't imagine how she could do that. He said if he had just killed his daughter he'd tell him to get the fuck out of his house.
Molly said her aunt was very forgiving and she thought it was just an accident. She said it was complicated putting it all together. She said that she was very upset about losing her daughter though.
Howard said he would never forgive this guy. He said the pain would be too much for him. He asked if she went to therapy. Molly said she did. She said she was going after she had a bad break up. She said she was probably about 27. She said this was before she was on Saturday Night Live. Howard asked who she dated on Saturday Night Live. Molly said maybe later she'll say. She said she wanted to talk about this guy she had broken up with and she mentioned her mom dying in the car accident. She said the therapist got into all of that. She said that it's not like her father intended to do anything. She said that drinking was part of it. She said that he claims that he had taken a nap and he didn't think he was drunk. She said it was all confusing to put the pieces together. Howard said the cousin who died was in her 20s. She could have driven. Molly said no one saw anything wrong with him.
Howard said he had a ride home with someone who was drunk. He said he could have had the same experience.
Howard said the book was shocking to him at the end. He said she said that her father was dying of prostate cancer. He said that he may have been a closeted gay man his whole life. Howard said he lived in a time when he probably shouldn't have married a woman. He said maybe the whole thing ties together perfectly and that's why he was drinking so much. Molly said Howard is such a deep thinker and he can put the pieces together. Howard asked how she herd that he was gay. Molly said he was in AA for his drinking and he tried for years to be sober. She said she was doing her last Saturday Night Live season and she had invited her husband's family to the show. She said her dad was used to having her to himself and he was kind of jealous. Howard said it was nice when her dad came out on Mothers day to be on the show. Molly said her dad showed up drunk to the show after being sober for years. She said she was shocked. She said that she came home and he had introduced her o this college kid he had met. She said that it was a total stranger in her apartment. She said that she got mad and kicked her dad out of her apartment and told him to stay in a hotel. She said that she called her agent Steven Levy about it and he and her dad bonded. She said that Steven said to her that she was being too hard on him. She said that he had given up a lot for them. She said she asked if he was gay and Steven didn't want to tell her. She said that's how she found out. She said she felt compassion. She said that the pieces all came together at that point.
Howard said it had to be tough for him to live as a closeted gay man. Molly said many gay men had to do that in that generation. Howard said the whole thing is such a tragedy. He said this is why we shouldn't beat up on gay people and just let them live their lives.
Molly said her dad was very stressed out and he as keeping this all inside. She said that he had to hide it all. She said of course you're going to drink if you can't be who you are sexually. Howard said she asked her dad if he's gay and he said ''most definitely.'' Molly said that he was 73 when he finally told her. She said that he was born in 1926. She said that it was tough for anyone during that time to be gay. She said they had to keep it all quiet.
Howard asked if she thought when her dad would wake her up in the middle of the night to play piano was that a gay party going on. Molly said it was a mixed crowd. She said they had a lot going on in those parties. She said there were probably gay men and women there. She said that she had fun doing it. She said she would get upset if it was for the St. Patrick's Day show. She said they would have a big show they did and her dad would go down town to drink. She said he would get loaded and she worried about that. She said she'd hope that he'd sober up for her performance. She said that she loves coffee today because it's the smell of people sobering up. She said it was hard for her.
Howard said he was expecting more about Saturday Night Live in the book but it was so nice to read about her life. He said that her father was so wild. He said his father was so straight. He said her father says that she should pull a prank and fly to New York at 11 years old. He said that they actually did it. He said the went to the airport and snuck on the plane. He said they wanted to say goodbye to their sister and they were allowed on the plane. Molly said they got to New York. He said they spent the day hanging out. He said the stole some shirts because her dad told them to. He said that she wasn't able to get home and her dad got pissed. Molly said he was excited they did it but he didn't want to pay for them to get home. He said that he was calling hotels and trying to get out there to come get them. She said that he didn't want to pay for it and they kept getting busted so he had to put it on his credit card.
Howard said her father was so cheap that he made her pay for the hotel room. She said that they had to pay him back for the flight. Howard said the guy was a nut. Molly said he was so silly and fun. She said he would make everything a game. She said he'd have them go into a candy store and he'd pretend he was blind and he'd knock things over in the store.
Howard asked how she's normal after all of that. He said that she did normal things in her life. Howard asked how you're normal in a life like that. Molly said she worked really hard in therapy. She said she had to work her ass off in therapy. She said that's what she did. Howard said her dad would encourage her to cheat in school. He asked who says that. He said that he'd tell her that street smarts were more important. Molly said she liked that about him.
Howard asked if she thinks she's a good mother. Molly said yes. She said that she feels like it's very healing to be able to see her kids grow up. She said it's the greatest feeling ever. She said she feels so lucky that she has lived so far beyond the years her mother lived. She said she feels an urgency for life. She said she loves being a mom. She said it's the greatest thing she ever did in her life.
Howard said he was sad reading about her and her sisters going to charge and seeing other moms and daughters there. She said that they'd play mommy to one another. Molly said she would do that with her sister. She said they'd go back and forth being mom to each other. She said they didn't have that touch from their mom so it is very sad. Howard said it really is. Molly said she didn't give a shit when she was growing up and she would hurt herself like Mary Katherine Gallagher. She said she felt nothing.
Howard said she had to cut off her feelings and she would throw herself into metal chairs and she would do that to feel something. Molly said she would never do anything like that now. She said she wants to walk and have her health.
Howard said the character of Mary Katherine Gallagher is so great and funny. He asked if she has nightmares about it now. She said yes. Howard said she threw herself on chairs and stuff. He said that she would throw herself not metal chairs and shed get up and he wondered how she did that. Molly said she thinks about it now. She said back then she didn't. She said on Saturday Night Live there were millions of people watching and asking her if she ever got hurt. She said she's so glad she never broke her neck. She said she thinks about it now. She said there's no way shed do it now. She said she didn't wear pads n the beginning but eventually she did. She said they thought she was out of her fucking mind doing that stuff. Howard said when he watches those old sketches he thinks it was like doing Jackass kind of stuff. He said that Johnny Knoxville has fucked himself up doing that stuff. He said it's a miracle she didn't get hurt.
Howard said that he loved that character on the show. He said he loved that she smelled her arm pits and then fell. He said that the thing is that he didn't know is that they told Molly not to do that character for Lorne Michaels. He asked who gave her that advice. Molly said she doesn't want to say. She said she was more interested in comedy boys and she felt like she was missing out on the girls. She said then Marcy Klein got involved and she's great. Howard said she had heard about Molly from someone and she had her submit a tape. Howard said she told her to come see her live doing Mary Katherine Gallagher. Molly said she did do that and she had made a tape before and got passed over. She said she felt like she had to see her in person. She said it went great when Marcy came out to see her and she got her audition for Saturday Night Live.
Howard said she did that character for them then. Molly said she didn't actually. Howard asked if Marcy asked her why she didn't do it. Molly said she didn't because she was just doing what she wanted to do.
Howard said this character was such a huge hit on Saturday Night Live and on paper it didn't work. He said you have to see it. He said it's just not funny reading it. He said that's the problem with Saturday Night Live. He said it's a lot of people competing for air time. Molly said Lorne wanted to do it and they held off on doing it for a week. She said they did a dress show and she was at the bottom. She said they ran out of time and didn't rehears it. She said she was so mad because they didn't get what it was.
Molly said when she finally did it she went out here and showed them. She said she did it all and threw herself into the chairs and it killed. She said that Jim Breuer told her that he had never heard a roar like that before. She said that her sketch got moved from the bottom to the top of the show so she knew it killed.
Howard said that first time she did it with Gabriel Byrne was great because that guy is so good. He said it was smart of Lorne to hold off until he was on.
Molly said they even told her to wear a shorter skirt so her underpants would show. She said that it was good for the character and she was wearing big panties. She said that she was more old fashioned. She said she wanted to be plain looking and wanted it real. She said one more thing with Gabriel was that they had this Irish priest at her mom's funeral. She said that Father Murray was the only one who took her after church and said he knows she lost her mother and sister and this was so sad for her. She said she loved him for that. Howard said his mother was never told that her mother died. He said the just didn't mention it to the kids. Molly said that no one told her about it in the hospital. She said that she thought her mom was somewhere else and tried to find her. She said eventually they told her that her mom was in Heaven.
Howard said that he was rooting for her in the book to be successful at Saturday Night Live. He said he already knew that she was though. He said she just had such a rough life before that.
Howard said that Molly had met Adam Sandler and he was the hardest working guy she had ever met. Howard said she said he was always thinking about how to be funny and how to advance his career. Molly said he worked so hard. She said his work ethic and discipline was something. She said it was unbelievable. She said he's still a good friend of her's. Howard said when he got on Saturday Night Live she must not have been surprised. Molly said not at all. She said he told her he'd get her on and he recommended her to Lorne.
Howard asked about being in the writing room and how Lorne had her sit next to him. Molly said he's just the greatest. She said that she's still close to him She said she just had dinner with him. She said he's such a good person. She said that she didn't like to even hang things up in her office over there at Saturday Night Live because she thought things were going to blow up like the did when she was a kid. She said that she didn't want to get too comfortable.
Howard asked if she felt a sense of elation when she was shooting her movie ''Superstar'' and Lorne had her flying on a private jet. She said it was amazing. She said she was doing Saturday Night Live and Superstar at the same time. She said he was getting in and out and she wished that someone could see her because it was so cool.
Howard asked what she was eating on the plane. Molly said she'd just have a banana or something. Howard said he'd think she'd have Nobu or something. Howard said what an incredible experience to come out of working so hard and wondering if your career is going to take off.
Howard said he loved the story about Molly being out in Los Angels and she had to get someone to represent her. He said she'd do crazy things. Molly said she and her friend had a hard time getting agents. She said no one was calling them. She said that David Mamet had taught some classes and they called this the Mamet scam. She said they'd call whatever agent they wanted to meet and call them from David Mamet's office. She said she'd do this character and call them and they'd put the agent right on the line. Molly said that she and her friend had worked at a place where they had to make calls and they never gave up on the call until they got it done. Molly said that they would crack up doing this.
Howard said they would take meetings with them because of this. Molly said they did. She said they were meeting talented people so they were seeing it as giving them a gift. She said they did it on Friday afternoons so everyone was in a good mood. She said they got busted once. She said they called one of the Brat Pack's agent because she wanted to be in the Brat Pack. She said the woman called her out and said that she wanted to see what a liar looks like in person. She said that she had to play dumb and this woman confided in her and said that her friend Eugene was a scum bucket. Howard said he would die. Molly said that Eugene got her a part on Twin Peaks. Howard asked if it was the Mamet scam that got her into that. She said it was. She said she got the part too. She said she met everyone thanks to that.
Howard said Molly was on In Living Color with Jim Carrey. He said that Jim was playing a character where he spits when he talks. He said what a great thing to be a part of. Molly said that when he comes to Saturday Night Live it's such a force. He said he just elevates everything. She said he's a powerhouse. She said he's incredible.
Howard said you have to be a good actress to be a good comedian. He said that's why a guy like Steven Seagal is knocked as a guest host. He said he wasn't willing to play around with the crew. Molly said you do have to be able to make fun of yourself.
Howard said it's remarkable when he thinks about all of the people who came out of Saturday Night Live. He said that she kind of helped save the show at the time she was on. He said it was a weird time. He said they had fired a lot of the staff around that time. Molly said they had gotten rid of a good part of the staff. She said that she was part of the crew that came in to replace the staff. She said that the had some great people before her. She said they were part of the new regime though.
Howard said Norm Macdonald said that Molly was one of the only people who stood by him during the OJ stuff. He said Norm was a great guy. Molly said that he was a great guy. She said that he didn't like her with curly hair and he'd tell her that. She said it's so sad that Norm is gone. She said he was wonderful.
Howard said there's a story that drove him nuts in the book. He said that she called Gary Coleman's agent to get a meeting. He said that she the agent asked if she wanted to meet Gary. She went to the meeting and he was coming on to her and he invited her over to his hotel room. He said Molly wasn't even thinking he was coming on to her. Molly said she was a virgin at the time. She said he had a suit on at the time and he said she reminded him of Kimberly on Diff'rent Strokes. She said that his agent disappeared and left her alone with Gary. She said that she was in the room with him and he asked her to tickle him a little bit. Molly said she was a virgin and not even thinking about that stuff. Howard said Gary grabbed her ankles and bouncing on the bed trying to land on her. Molly said he was doing all kinds of things trying to wrap himself around her and she'd fling him off. She asked him to stop. She said that because of his size she didn't feel threatened physically. She said she finally threw him off and she was out of breath. She said that he was a small guy. Howard said throwing around 75 pounds is still hard. Molly said she finally got him off of her and she went to the bathroom and he grabbed her leg. She said he was sticking his hands under the door saying that he can see her. Howard said she said it was ''I can see you silly Billy'' in the book. Howard said it's a fucked up thing and it's so sad too.
Howard said at NYU she had a friend and they were hanging out. He said some Arab Sheik did something. Howard said she's had a crazy life. He said she must be happy about having a normal life now.
Molly said that Gina Costello was a fellow drama student and she was partners with her in class. She said that this isn't a real name. Howard said he was wondering about that because this story is crazy. Molly said that she and Gina were out at a bar and this guy wanted to buy them drinks. She said that she was still a virgin at the time. She said that this guy wanted to help them out financially. She said that she went up to the room with Gina and they had some drinks with this guy. She said he was actually very sweet. She said they took their tops off and did a dance for him. She said they had some fun. She said it was all very innocent. She said then he kind of pushed her on the bed and she could feel his weight on her. She said that Gina took him off of her and then he heard that she was a virgin and he really wanted her after that. She said that Gina was doing stuff with him and she wanted 5 more minutes with him. She told her to check his wallet. She said she went to check his wallet and she had never done that in her life. She said she wrote down that all he had was a $5 and a $10 in the wallet. She said they got out of there after that and they got like $750 and they split it. She said that Gina couldn't wait to tell her boyfriend about it.
Howard asked if she stayed a virgin so long because of her catholic upbringing. She said that wasn't all of it. She said that her father was very catholic but it was more about her being sexual and living masturbation and all of that but she was afraid to fall in love with a guy. She said she grieved her mom through boyfriends. She said that she was devastated with her mom through boyfriends. She said she didn't want to get her heart broken. She said she waited until after college to do that.
Howard asked when she decided to leave Saturday Night Live it had to be frightening. He said she was there for 6 years. Howard said theirs not a lot of TV shows to do that kind of thing. He said that's the only game in town. Molly said when she was the most famous on Saturday Night Live she was told that she'd get recognized a lot. She said that's when she got the most depressed. She said she had this anxious feeling when people came up to her. She said that it was a sad feeling for her. She said the only person she wanted to hear from was her mom. She said she was never coming back though. She said he fame didn't fix everything. She said that she was depressed for months. She said she finally felt fully sad about her mom and she was crying and crying over it. She said fame doesn't fix everything. She said that she thought the fame would fix that hole and it didn't. She said that it didn't matter if she wasn't number 1. She said she just wanted to enjoy what she was doing. She said she just let herself grieve it. She said she finally enjoyed the show. She said that was the best job she ever had in her life and people told her it was a stepping stone.
Howard asked why leave then. She said she wanted to leave it when she still loved it. She said she saw too many people stay there too long. Molly said she wanted to have a personal life and have fun. She said she wasn't leaving to go anywhere. She said she just left. Howard said he would never do that. He said he would have stayed there as long as Lorne wanted him to. He said it's very brave of her to go. Molly said it's a hard job too. Howard said it's true you don't have a personal life if you're staying up all night 6 days a week.
Molly said she wanted to have kids too. Howard asked if she went to the parties after Saturday Night Live. She said she did but they were pretty tame. She said they weren't too wild.
Howard said it must be fun having the musical guests on. He said that she did a sketch with Whitney Houston. Molly said she was so nice. She said she asked her to do the sketch and she did it. She said she wanted to keep it simple with her and told her how they were going to do it. She said that Whitney did it and she was late showing up but it worked out. She said Rosie O'Donnell was in it too and she was great. She said Whitney told her she was crazy. Howard said Penny Marshall was in that sketch too.
Howard said he loved Molly in White Lotus too. He said she's great in that. Howard asked if Molly worries about being injured and having problems years later. Molly said she has some issues with her knees. She said she's in really good shape now. She said she does wish she hadn't done the knee thing.
Howard said Molly has written a book about her life and he enjoyed reading it. He said it was a very quick read for him. The book is called Hello, Molly!: A Memoir.
Howard said he was trying to find the sketch she did with Steven Tyler where she licked him and he can't find it. Molly said she was told that she can't lick him from head to toe and she did it anyway. She said she didn't listen to what they told her. She said she went from his toe all the way up. Howard said it was funny so they excused it.
Howard asked if she still watches Saturday Night Live. Molly said she does. She said she likes to see the Good nights part of the show. Howard said he does too. He said he's not sure why. Molly said you see the hosts and see who they clicked with. She said sometimes the show is a roller coaster. She said that she never liked bringing friends there but people like Will Ferrell always did.
Howard said one sketch that he remembers her doing was when she played Monica Lewinsky. He said that they had Monica and Linda Tripp and John Goodman played Linda. He said that he didn't even change his voice. He said it was so good. He said John is a funny dude. He said she was really funny too. Howard asked if she ever met Monica. Molly said she did when she came to the show. She said she was very nice and sweet. She said that she really thinks she got thrown under the bus for that whole thing.
Howard said Molly has the book out and she'll be on a show on HBO. He said that what she's saying is you should go buy her book. He said a big thank you to David Mamet's office for recommending her today. He said it was someone from the office who called and suggested she come in.
Howard thanked Molly for coming on. Molly said it's such an honor to be on. She said she's a huge fan of the show. Howard said she has been on the Celebrity Superfan Roundtable so she's always been very helpful. Howard thanked her again and let her go.
Howard said he always loved that Mary Katherine Gallagher character she did. He said there's a scene in the movie where she's making out with a tree. He said a nun catches her. He said he read that book and it reminds him of what happened with his mom. Robin said it's weird that people who have kids are not prepared to deal with the loss of someone like your mom.
Howard told Ed to take care of himself and get off the sauce. He said he's high right now and he can tell. Robin said he's not that good at hiding it. Howard said please don't get a cat. He said it will be a burden to him and he'll end up neglecting it. He said it breaks their hearts when they see stuff like this. Ed asked if he can get a goldfish. Howard said he has to take care of himself first. Ed said you can take a goldfish out of the water and it just flips and flaps. He said it's just a fucking goldfish. Robin said its' not fun for the fish.
Howard said cats need a lot of care and it's just not for him. He said that he shouldn't even get a plant. Ed said they're not even alive really. Howard said they actually are. He said that he loves Ed and he doesn't want to see this happen. Howard let Ed go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he always loved Molly Shannon but her interview she's like a perfect person. He said she doesn't get that someone is trying to scam on her. He said that she's just a perfect person. Robin said that Gary Coleman story was wild. The caller said that they should do an animated thing with that Gary Coleman story. Howard said he's a fan of her's and he's glad she came on today. Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard started the show singing along with The Great American Nightmare song. He took a call from a guy who told him that Gilbert Gottfried died. Howard said ''What?'' like he was surprised. The caller said he must have heard. Howard said ''What?'' again. The caller said he had some illness. Howard said of course he knows. He said he actually did know. Robin said that was terrible acting.
Howard said Gilbert would have carried that on for 7 hours. He said that Jimmy Kimmel tweeted about Gilbert. He had to hang up on the phone caller. He said his call was clipping. He said he's not sure why the technology hasn't gotten better. He said he's not sure what it is but the quality of the calls are bad. He said he did read that the quality of the cell phone is better than anything in the past. He said it's better than land lines. He said yet when they call his show it's bad. He said it annoys the fuck out of him when it sounds so bad.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel tweeted out about how Gilbert made a caller repeat something he said about a thousand times when he was on the line. He said it was Abe Hirshfeld who called into the show. He said he thinks that's the guy's name. He said that it was a well known character in New York. He said he called in with a joke and Gilbert pretended he couldn't hear it and made him repeat the story like 15 times. He said it was so funny.
Howard said he was shocked to hear that Gilbert was dead. He said he hasn't been in touch for a long time. He said he heard something that morning that he was dying and he wanted him to know. He said that's awful. He said the thing Kimmel was referring to was Abe Hirshfeld calling from jail. He said Gilbert busted his balls for like 25 minutes and it was one of the funniest moments on the show.
Howard said Gilbert was 67 and had several illnesses going. He said he hasn't spoken to him in a long time. He said it probably annoyed Gilbert that no one picked up on the story. He said he had his appendix removed years ago and he didn't call a hospital or an ambulance because it was going to cost money. He said he put it off until he had to go and he was in the hospital for weeks. He said he was upset that no one was getting his name out there for this. He said that no one cared and he was upset about it even though he didn't want anyone to know. He said he asked Gilbert if he wanted him to tell people. He said it's funny when you see people who are famous hiding from the Paparazzi. He said that he thought it was funny that he got upset. He said he went to see him in the hospital. He said Richard Belzer had gone to see him too. He said Penn and Teller may have gone too. He said people did go see him. He said he met Gilbert's mom and sister there. He said it was weird to see them there.
Howard said he has told the story many times but Gilbert was very cheap. He said he asked him to get him some underwear because he needed something more comfortable for his appendix scar. He said then he asked him about pajamas and a bath robe. He said he asked for a thermometer and other things too. He said it was a very strange conversation. He said it was very odd to have this all going on. He said he felt terrible and bought him all of this stuff he asked for. He said he got him the pajamas and the underwear and thermometer. He said that he called to check on him and this is why he never does. He said he gets suckered into taking care of them.
Howard said Gilbert told him he had to get some kind of medication and he was asking him for it. He said he lives in Manhattan and he could have gotten it himself. He said he thinks he wanted him to get it for him. He said he told Gilbert to figure it out himself. He said he had his mother and sister there. He said he was like a nurse to him. He said he was worming his way into his life. He said that he had kids at home to take care of so he can't care for Gilbert.
Howard said Gilbert did okay with the appendix thing. He said he made it out of that. He read something that Gilbert wrote about that situation. He said that Howard sent him a pair of slippers after asking about all of this other stuff. Howard said he didn't realize he was so cheap. He said then people told him that he had his apartment decorated in lawn furniture. He said there were all kinds of things in the apartment that he had taken from places. He said he'd ask for free stuff from the shows he would appear on.
Howard said Gary once told him a story about Gilbert. He said he can't remember where it was but he asked for insulin from the show. He said he thinks the got it for him. Gary got on and said that it was the Alan Colmes show. He said they laughed when he asked for it but he insisted he needed it and they went and got it for him because it was for his aunt. Howard said he thinks Jay Leno said that he'd clean out the green room when he was there. He said he did that there too. He said he left with a bunch of free waters. He said he would leave with like 25 bottles.
Gary said he saw him load up. He said that it was insane with the stuff he would get for free. He said he would take the little syrup packets and the salt and pepper shakers you get. He said he would go to the hotel front desk and ask for toothbrushes and toothpaste. He said he'd take as many as they'd give him.
Howard said Gilbert was the strangest guy in the world. He said he didn't get to interact with him much outside of the show. He said he was out at a restaurant once and he ran into him on the street. He said they had a very awkward conversation. He said he was dating his now wife once. He said that he would say hi and Gilbert would act like he had never met him before. He said it was just very awkward. He said he didn't even introduce him to this woman he was out with. He said then he looked at her like she was a stranger. He said he may have been married to her or at least engaged to her.
Howard said he remembers the conversation was that they had just come from this restaurant. He said it was something called Alain Ducaste. He said it was the most expensive place around. He said it was very exclusive and he had taken Beth there. He said he told Gilbert to try it out. He said he looked at him like he was an alien. He said the idea of spending money wasn't going to happen.
Howard said professionally he thought Gilbert was one of the most funny comedians out there. He said that he thought he could produce him and he thought he could turn him into a diamond from the coal that he was. He said he had this TV show on WWOR he asked him to do his Gilbert Dice Clay impression. He said he asked him to stick to the character and it would be funny. He said he knew he had been on Saturday Night Live and it didn't work out. He said he asked him to do his Rabbi impression for things too. He said he was on Son of the Beach doing that voice. He said he thought he could get Gilbert to do all of this stuff. He said he was always frustrated with him because he felt like he was the most talented human being he had ever met. He said he could do Jerry Seinfeld and Boris Karloff and Groucho Marx. He said he was the most talented human being on the planet but he marched to the beat of his own drum. He said he didn't take anyone's advice.
Howard said Gilbert would get hired for gigs. He said Tom Chiusano hired him to appear at his golf club. He said that Gilbert went in there and did cunt jokes. He said he didn't bend his act to satisfy the crowd. He said he was hired to open for the Go-Gos. He said this was young girls at the concert and they told him not to do certain material. He said he went right out and did cunt jokes. Gary said he saw Gilbert a bunch of times live. He said one of the things he would do is turn on the crowd if they weren't with him. He said this one crowd irritated him and he did the aristocrats joke for them to punish them.
Howard said he would try to program Gilbert and he wouldn't listen to him. He said he did have him on the show and he was always funny. He said Gilbert had a long battle with Muscular Dystrophy. He said he didn't know that. He said everyone knows his voice. He said he's reading that he was on the show 122 times. He said he didn't know it was that much. Robin said she didn't know it was that much either.
Howard said Gilbert started in stand up at 15 years old. He said he was a kind of shy guy and it's amazing that he did that at 15. He said it didn't fit with his personality. He said he remembers seeing a documentary on his life and his father wasn't too pleased with that but he went off and did that. He said he landed a spot on Saturday Night Live at the age of 25.
Howard said this is a clip of Gilbert talking about how he didn't fit in over there at Saturday Night Live. He played the clip where he talked about how he was the body in a coffin in a sketch there. He also talked about his audition and how he wasn't moved by it.
Howard said nothing much moved him. He said he was buying him things in the hospital but that didn't even move him. He said he doesn't think he did thank him. Robin said he would get traction in his career and he would get more popular and then he'd do something and say dirty things and ruin it. Howard said he had that Affleck Duck part and he tweeted out Tsunami jokes right after the tsunami in Japan. He said that got him fired.
Howard said Gilbert would come in and they would mess with callers. He said one of the callers got pissed off and Gilbert just talked over him. Howard played a clip to show what he was talking about. The caller was trying to tell them something and Gilbert just kept talking over him.
Howard said this is a great drop that Gilbert is responsible for. He said this is Beetlejuice responding to Gilbert about something. He said Beetlejuice was in a bad mood and didn't like Gilbert. He said he got into it with him. Gilbert was talking about the movies he had been in and Beetlejuice kept saying ''Goo' fo' you... goo' fo' you...''
Howard said Gilbert was the quickest guy on the planet. He said when he did Dracula Gottfried he was so good. He said he would ask him to do it and if he wanted to do it he'd do it. He said he even said to him he'd be a hit on any sketch if he just did that character and he didn't care. He said he was so good. He played some examples of Gilbert doing that voice. He had the clip of Gilbert doing his ''black Kluge'' bit.
Howard said that kind of thing comes from a lonely childhood when you sit around watching that stuff. He said he loved his Rabbi Gottfried character too. He said this is the origin of it. He played a clip of Gilbert explaining to him where this Rabbi voice he does came from. Gilbert did the voice and then started singing. He had Howard cracking up.
Howard said Gilbert was so naturally funny. He said he would tell him stuff about not going to school and getting into comedy. He said that was a balls move for a young kid.
Howard said Gilbert did an impression of Groucho Marx. He said he did the impression of an old Groucho instead of the young one. He said it was so brilliant. He played a clip of Gilbert doing that impression.
Howard said that was great. He said he remembers old Groucho. He said he'd come out and you'd wonder what the fuck. He said Gilbert picked up on that and he would tell great stories.
Howard said Gilbert did his Jerry Seinfeld impression and he told him about how Jerry hated it. He played a clip of Gilbert telling a story about how much Jerry hated that impression. He did the impression for Howard. He said Seinfeld would stay out in the bar so he didn't have to hear it and say that didn't sound anything like him.
Howard said what a talent. He said this is kind fo funny. He said after the Affleck duck thing went down Gilbert had lost his job and he told him about how he had to apologize for the joke. He said he had never done that before. He said he came on the show and admitted the apology was written for him. He said he had nothing to do with it. He played a clip of Gilbert telling him that. Howard read the apology and Gilbert said that he didn't really mean it. He said it's like Mike Tyson releasing something eloquent to the press.
Howard said there you go. Robin said she read something about when he got a laugh everything was okay. She said everything was funny. Howard said he got a lot of backlash about something he said about 9/11 shortly after the attacks. He said the joke was something about having to leave early but the flight had to stop at the Empire State Building. He said that was just 2 weeks after 9/11.
Howard said you couldn't tell Gilbert anything. He said he wouldn't listen. He said he'd joke about anything. Robin said he really didn't care.
Howard said if Gilbert went on a date with a girl he knew when the check was coming and he'd hide in the bathroom until the girl paid for the bill.
Gary said he had an ex who went on a date with Gilbert and the went to a coffee shop and the bill came and Gilbert went to the bathroom. He said things got uncomfortable and as soon as she paid Gilbert came out. They never went out again. Gary said Gilbert would ask a girl if she'd blow him if she asked to go on a date. He said he had no game.
Gary said he saw Gilbert in a club one night and he was snapping the girl's bra strap. He said he was asked to stop by a bouncer. He said he didn't stop. He said he came back a third time and picked Gilbert up and threw him out of the place. He said Gilbert laughed the whole way. Fred played some Gilbert laugh drops.
Robin said Gilbert was brutal with her when he did the Joan Rivers roast. She said that he knew everything about her from her book. She said that she just let him do his thing. Howard said he couldn't handle that kind of thing. Robin said it wasn't really about her. She said it was about her father.
Howard said Gilbert wrote about this hospital visit he had. He said he wrote that he was in disguise and he thought that was ridiculous because he's like 7 feet tall. Howard said he was right and his wife laughs at him about that too. Robin said he studied everyone and he didn't come unprepared. She said he had the funniest set and she was most of it. She said she thought they were there to roast Joan Rivers.
The Mad Russian said there are a lot of Nazis there in Ukraine. He said that Putin wasn't really lying about them having a lot of Nazis there. Howard said there are a lot there in this country too. He said they're ready to over throw the government here. Mad Russian said that they're looking to do the same in Ukraine. Howard said what he's trying to tell him is that there is no justification for Putin to try to take over that country. Robin said the Russians haven't been good to the Jews either.
Howard said what's going on in Ukraine is a push for land and resources. He said it's a mad desire to make people miserable and be under his thumb. He said that we have such fucking dummies in this country who are backing Russia. He said what they're doing is back pedaling now. He said fucking wise up and see how is a traitor to this country.
Mad Russian said that Putin is the fuck over there. He said there are good people in both Russia and in Ukraine. Howard said that's right. He let him go after that.
Howard said its not just Putin. He said their military are fucks. He said Ukraine is a brave country and they're holding them off but their country is being ravaged. He said that we have to wise up here and stop supporting people who say Putin is a genius. He said the guy is getting his own military wiped out. He said they look ridiculous.
Howard took a call from Jim from Raleigh who said Gilbert is the best guest on the show of all time. Howard said he is right up there. He said he hasn't had him on the show in years and he hadn't talked to him in a long time. He said he has a fond place in his heart for him. He said he tried so many times to help him out. He said that if he had just taken some direction it would have been great.
Howard read what Jon Stewart wrote about Gilbert and working with him. Howard said Gilbert was so great at stand up. He said you have to admire him. He said he saw him at Caroline's once and he was so great. He said he was a master of his craft. He said he really admired what he was able to do.
Robin said that he was like Andy Kaufman. She said he would turn on the audience and it was the end. She said he was unrelenting until people walked out.
Howard read about what Ben Stiller wrote about Gilbert. He saw a picture of Gilbert with his wife and kids online. Robin said that was shocking to see him as a father and husband. Howard said he thinks his daughter is 14 and his son is 12. Robin said it was something like that. Jim said that he always went for the funny.
Howard took a call from Balls who said he saw Gilbert once and he was telling a joke about Michael Douglas and his throat cancer and got half the audience to get up and walk out. He said he loved Gilbert.
Howard said they're going to be doing a tribute to Gilbert on Howard 101 this weekend. He said that they're putting that together now.
Howard read what Conan O'Brien wrote about Gilbert and said that was a nice tweet. Robin said there was a picture of Gilbert, Bob Saget and Louie Anderson that wasn't taken too long ago and now all three are gone.
Howard said its weird when you get to this age and you see people passing away who you knew your whole life. He said he didn't think his parents would outlive all of these people.
Howard said Amy Schumer will be in later. He said she has a new TV show and she was the host of the Oscars. He said that she was supposed to be in last week but she was sick so she's coming in today.
Howard read some fan feedback about What's My Sexy Secret with Ronnie. He said that the listeners loved Ronnie's reaction to the news about Evelyn. Howard said Ronnie was shocked and said it was the greatest thing ever.
Howard said the death of Gilbert has hit Ronnie hard. He said it's a bit of a reality check. Ronnie said when he'd come on the show he was the one who would go get him. He said he would pack up a bag of free stuff from the show. He said he'd wrap stuff in paper towels just like he did. He said he'd take all of the water bottles in the green room. He said he'd take maybe 5 bottles. Howard said what a eulogy he just gave. He said it's very moving. Ronnie said it's hard to hear this stuff. He said he knew him for so long. He said it's rough and tough. He said he thinks about his own life now. He said he talks to his shrink about that all the time.
Howard asked what the shrink tells him. Ronnie said a lot of his friends are younger than him. He said he thinks about where he'll be in 5 years. He said he thinks that he may not be around in 5 years. He said it's kind of fucked up. He said he talks to his shrink about it and he tells him to live for every day and not think about it. He said you hear shit like this and it's hard to think about it. He said Gilbert was only 67.
Robin said that if you hang out with the old people they might not last long and the young people are going to out live you. She said there's no one to hang out with.
Ronnie said he's trying to forget about it all. He said he goes out and has a good time. Howard said one of the reasons he loved Gilbert so much is because he was shorter than Ronnie. He said he was never a tall guy.
Howard asked Ronnie about this woman Evelyn who they had on the show with him. Ronnie said it was kind of cool. He said he told Stephanie about it and she had to go back and listen to it. He said it was cool.
Howard read more feedback about Ronnie and What's My Sexy Secret. He had a bunch of comments about that. He had someone who was saying that Robin cheated by searching for Evelyn and two vaginas. Robin said she just knew it from when Ronnie asked one of his questions. She said she wasn't sure what it was but she figured it out because of that. Ronnie said she was a nurse so she might know about stuff like that. He said he never called her a cheater.
Howard said they got some audio of the toy that Ronnie mentioned the other day. He said it's the toy with the tongue that flicks back and forth. Howard said he didn't know it made noise like this. He played the clip and it was a lot of wild sounding noises. Howard said Ronnie puts it on his taint and she puts it on her vagina. Ronnie said it's a tiny tongue and it flaps and vibrates. He said it's crazy. Howard asked if he heard it and thought it was too wild. Ronnie said not at all. He said he had it all charged up and he put it out on the counter in the bathroom. He said she got home and tried it out on her that night. He said that he kept playing with it before she got home. He said it has different speeds and stuff. Howard said it's a wild sounding thing. He said it's made by a company called Cal Exotics.
Howard read more fan feedback about Robin and her 3 alarm clocks. Howard read a few things about that. Howard said he just gets right up when his alarm clock goes off. He said that Robin should be doing that. Robin said she can't do that when she's just jarred awake. Howard said life is not a game so she should just get up.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and sang along with the Lennon song. He said he loves the mix. He said it's stripped down. He said it's the opera version. He sang in his opera voice. He said he almost doesn't sound like John Lennon.
Howard said he finds a product that he loves and then it's never available. He said he has been experimenting with hair gel his entire adult life. He said he used to have curly hair and then he tried to make it straight. He said he just let it stay curly eventually. He said curly hair fills out your face more. He said that works for him because he has a long, thin face. He said the afro style hair he was born with compliments him. He said a lot of women who have curly hair want it straight. He said just let it stay natural. He said the hair you have complementing your face. He said he was fighting it for a while. He said he let it go curly eventually and it works. He said he has a cute look with that curly hair. He said cute is just cute for him. He said that is a good look for him.
Howard said he has tried many products and some left his hair looking frizzy or greasy. He said he's tried it all. He said he's tried black and white people products. He said he feels he has hair similar to black peoples hair. He said he tried it all.
Howard said a friend told him not to use alcohol based products. He said he was told to try Milbon Repair. He said it's a leave in treatment and it was a game changer. He said this is the best thing for his hair. He said he figured out exactly how much to use. He said it's 7 drops from this bottle. He said it's just a squirt out of a bottle. He said there are no aerosols so it's good for the environment.
Howard said he found this stuff about a month ago. He said he told his wife to order some. He said he got 8 bottles. He said it goes fast and its like 40 bucks a bottle. He said he became dependant on it. He said it was a game changer for him. Robin said he has not been complaining about his hair lately. Howard said she sees what's happening. He said now he's out of it. He said Beth ordered the 8 bottles and it hasn't come yet. He said he's completely out now. He said last night was like a miracle where he got 7 drops out of an empty bottle. He said he's not sure what's going on but it's not coming. He said maybe it's coming from out of the country. He read some stuff about it and said it must be an international company. He said if anyone knows how to get a hold of this shit please let him know.
Howard said he accused his wife of forgetting to order it but she did. He said if he could do things for himself he'd do it. He said he can't do that stuff. He said he's just incapable of doing it.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked what this stuff is exactly. Howard told him it's Milbon Repair. He said it's for coarse hair. Ralph said he might want to try this other stuff. Howard said he found something he likes and he's not trying something else. He said this guy is mental. He said he has a job for him. He said get him his hair care. Ralph told him to send him a picture of the bottle and he'll see what he can do. Howard sent him a picture right then. Ralph said this is the stuff he's looking at on Amazon. Howard said he sees one on Ebay for $85 and he's not paying that. He said he'll do what he has to do to get it but not that.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Gene Simmons (Craig Gass) from KISS who said they're selling the Gene Simmons brillo pad hair cut from KISSOnline.com. Howard said he needs to get something for his hair. He asked Gene what to get. Gene said he has a Vinnie Vincent hair brush for him. He said you want to look just like him. Howard said Gene doesn't have very good hair. He said he shouldn't be bragging. Howard let Gene go and closed the door on him.
Howard asked Ralph what he wants to say. Ralph said Molly Shannon was great yesterday. He said that her stories were really good. He said her favorite story was about her dad and catching him with a guy in her apartment. Howard said a lot of people wrote in about that. He read some feedback about her appearance.
Howard played a clip of Molly doing her Mary Katherine Gallagher character on Saturday Night Live.
Ralph said she had great stories. He asked if you can imagine catching your father at home with a guy and then going out do dinner with him. Howard said Molly was also part of that Schwetty Balls bit they did on Saturday Night Live. He said that was one of his favorite bits. He played some audio of that sketch.
Howard said there you go. Robin said Alec Baldwin is having another child. She said congratulations to him. Howard asked Ralph to get on that hair gel thing. He said he's making sure he's in charge. Ralph said he's motivated right now so he'll go do it. Howard said he has low expectations so that's what's good about Ralph.
Howard said the actual call with Bigfoot was about an hour and a half. He said he has some bonus footage from the call. He had a clip where Bigfoot told fake Putin he doesn't like to fly so he'd drive to Russia. He said he has his own driver.
Howard said Bigfoot even agreed to expose his penis to bring peace to Russia and Ukraine. Howard played clip where Bigfoot said they can take him out in public and show his penis to the people of Russia. He was telling fake Putin that he'd destroy his ass whit his monster cock too.
Howard said that's two new clips from the long call. He said that Bigfoot is some Wack Packer. He said he has proven himself over the years. Robin said it's amazing that he thinks he can take care of this world problem.
Howard said Bigfoot is tough to produce. He said they were trying to get him to do a song. He said his memory is kind of shot and it was crazy trying to get him to do something. Howard played a clip of Wolfie working with Bigfoot trying to get him to sing about Putin. Bigfoot couldn't say ''Putin'' though. He had a hard time with that and other lyrics that Wolfie was trying to get him to sing.
Howard said this bit took 7 years to produce. He asked who is going to teach Wolfie to say Putin. He said he was saying ''Pew-tin.'' He said it's ''Poo-tin.'' He got Wolfie on and told him how to say it. Wolfie said he was listening to an audio book about him and he may have been thrown off by that. Howard told him good job on that.
Robin asked if he's out at the fire house. Phil said he is. He said it took a long time but he did come out. He said he was reluctant to do it. He said they can smell fear there and he was afraid that it was going to be a problem. He said he didn't want them to know because the jokes would have been relentless.
Howard asked how they've been there since he revealed it. Phil said that there has been some push back from some people but one on one they have been great. He said that it hasn't been universally accepting. Howard said he hates to her that. He said he wishes they'd just leave it alone.
Howard asked if Phil ever dated women to make them think he was straight. Phil said that he didn't want to be gay so he did try dating women. He said he got a law degree and he thought he could push the gay thing away and date women. He said he tired to do that but it didn't work. Howard said he hates that this struggle has to go on. He said men and women should be left alone to live their lives. He said that there's a push to shove gay people back n the closet. He said we can't vote for people who partake in this nonsense.
Howard asked if he has had sex with women. Phil said he has. He said a bunch actually. Howard asked if he threw up. Phil said he didn't and he had a good time. He said that he has never told anyone this but the first time he had sex with a woman he was imagining the boys in the freshman dorms. He said he was thinking about the hot guys in the hot showers.
Howard said it has to be tough to do that. He said he doesn't think he could have sex with a man. Phil said that it was nice with the women. He said it was nice for him but then he got over his hang ups and having sex with men was much more enjoyable.
Howard asked if he's a top or bottom. Phil said mostly a top but he can be a bottom.
Howard asked why they invited 75 people to this party. He said that seems to be an uneven number. Howard answered a knock at he door and it was fake George Takei who was saying his house is on fire and he has a 5 alarm boner. He told Howard this is the greatest guest ever. He said he's tugging himself so hard that he's getting second degree burns down there. He asked him to douse him with his fire hose.
Howard asked Phil for more details about the party. Phil was telling him about all of the details of this place he went to. Howard said Chris Wilding is joining them too. Chris asked how big his cock is. Phil said he's 7.5 inches long and thick. Howard said it sounds like a perfect square. Phil said he measured both things. Howard asked how old he is. Phil said he's 39.
Howard had Phil tell them more about this gay sex party. Phil said he walked in and this guy walked by with a boner. He said they had private rooms there for the people who were there. He said this was a guest list only party.
George asked if there were Asians there. Phil said there were and he prefers them. George sounded excited about that. Phil said it was an after hours club and it was in February. He said that it was very cold out and there was only one fire exit and he was unnerved by the whole thing because he's a fire fighter. He said he was throw off by that.
Howard said this is an amazing story. He said he has a law degree and he's a fire fighter. Howard said he sees that Chris' mouth is watering. Chris said that the 75 person sex party throws him off. Howard asked what Phil did there. Phil said he was watching mostly. He said he had sex with two guys briefly. He said it didn't go well. He said he has a funny feeling about intimacy. He said he went over and watched some people having sex and there was a cute Asian dude there. He said he wasn't planning on hooking up with him but he said he was the best looking guy on the bed. George asked him to stop because he was going to explode.
Howard said he loves that Amy Schumer is coming in but he has to stop this gay orgy story. He said they are out of time. He said they do celebrate him coming out. He said they celebrate his 7.5 inch cock too. He said there were probably 450 inches of cock there at the party.
Phil said he can call back on Monday or Tuesday. Howard said feel free to call back and finish the story. Phil also said condolences on losing Gilbert. He asked Howard why he wasn't on the show the past few years. Howard said it wasn't a great mystery. He said when he calls back in he'll go through the whole story with him. He let Phil go a short time later. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said Amy Schumer is there. He said she has a new TV show called Life & Beth on Hulu. He said he's up to episode 7 himself. Amy said that people have no idea what the show is actually called. She said her voice sounds bad today. She said she doesn't have COVID. She said her son gets every cold and they enjoy it as well. Howard said the hardest thing about having a kid is you get everything. Amy said their son will lick a subway platform and she and her husband just keep going.
Howard said Amy is going out on tour and she has that Whore Tour. He asked if it says that on the ticket. Amy said it does. She said she feels like she has to get merch for that. Howard said times have changed. He said they can do that now. Amy said Tom Segura's tour is called ''I'm Coming'' or something like that. Howard said he wanted his first book to be called ''Penis'' so it could be ''Howard Stern's Penis.'' He said they had him change it to Private Parts.
Howard asked Amy about the story that said she was buying a $12.5 million house in Montecito. He said he found out it was a bullshit story. Amy said she would love to buy that house but she was just there with friends looking at it with them. She said they were out there but it was with friends and not for them.
Howard said he has so many questions about her new show. He said he knows it's somewhat autobiographical. Amy said it's so great to see him. She said they saw each other right before COVID. She said it was on New Year's eve at Steve Martin's house. Howard said that was very cool. He said he knows she was in his play and she's going to be on his new TV show. Amy said it was supposed to be a surprise but Marty Short can't keep his yap shut. She said she's going to be on Only Murders.
Howard said it's the most thrilling thing to be invited to Steve Martin's house. He said it must be great for her too. Amy said it's great that he wants to collaborate on things. He said she did the Only Murders thing and collaborated on that. She said it's amazing. Amy said that it's really cool to be able to work with people she has been a fan of for so long.
Howard said when he met her she wasn't that famous yet. Amy said that Howard gave her that boost. She said that she wouldn't even have friends in Montecito without him. She said her life would be different if she hadn't been on his show. She said she'd probably be waiting tables.
Howard said he's proud to be any part of her history. He said when he sees her on stage he's proud of how calm she is. He said he's not sure how she's that relaxed on stage. He said he's behind a microphone and he can be comfortable doing that. He said she has this comfort that's amazing. Amy said she taught kick boxing in college. She said she got over stage fright doing that. She said that was a big help. She said that she'd have to yell out names of people and people would laugh. She said that she thinks she got it from that. She said that she recently watched herself on the Charlie Sheen roast and she was thinking that she doesn't know who that person is.
Howard said he's only confident in front of the microphone. He said the rest of the day he's a mess. Amy said she feels raw and vulnerable the rest of the time too. She said that comedians do stand up because they're so shattered and it's like an illusion of control. She said it's kind of selfish. She said all people have to do is laugh and then go home. She said she feels kind of guilty about that. She said she's not looking or people to heckle her though so pipe down if you come to see her on the Whore Tour.
Howard said when Amy stands there and doesn't get a laugh does the panic set in. Amy said that she hates that she's bringing this up but the reason Chris Rock was able to stand there after getting slapped in the face is because he's a comedian. She said all comedians are able to go up there and not be affected by things. She said that they become desensitized. Howard asked if it's like a dream and you're not aware of the passage of time. He asked if you don't know what's happing in your body. Amy said she loves experiences and she doesn't mind bombing. She said that she thinks it's funny. Howard said he's heard that from a lot of comedians. Amy said she wouldn't want to bomb for 10 minutes straight. She said she tried a joke the other night and it was something new. She said it was in Vegas and she tried this joke about what cancer your grandparents died from and the crowd didn't go for it. She said the just said ''No'' when she asked about it. She said that it's such an honest thing. She said people don't laugh if it's not funny.
Howard asked if she thinks she could have set that joke up better. Amy said she was trying out the premise. She said it's just testing and it's all an experiment. She told Howard how she tests a joke out and how it can work. She said then she'll take it from there.
Howard said it's crazy how you can come up with something like that. Amy said she has this thing about being married and how you have to find someone who can just stand you. She said she does other material about her marriage too. She told Howard about some of those jokes and how they work.
Howard said it's amazing to think about coming up with a whole hour of comedy. He asked how long it takes her. Amy said a year if she's working it hard. Howard asked how she does it with the baby and all of that. He said she's got this TV show and she did the Oscars. He said she's bringing back Inside Amy Schumer too. He said she must be burned out. Amy said she has a new book out too. She said it's called Arrival Stories.
Howard asked if she's doing too much. Amy said yeah. Howard said even just doing the TV show is a lot. Amy said it's Life & Beth on Hulu.
Howard said he was shocked to hear that she was hosting the Oscars. He said she has to walk that weird line where people take it really seriously. Amy said they do. She said she wanted to do it because she wanted to perform after being stuck at home for 2 years. She said she loves helping with jokes and she loves comedians helping each other out. She said she loves all of that.
Howard said he read that she was friends with Kim Kardashian and she wrote her best joke for her when she hosted Saturday Night Live. Amy said it was a joke about her Instagram followers and the audience that watches Saturday Night Live. She said it was like an intimate night for her. Howard said it was really funny. Amy said she loves Saturday Night Live and she would love to host again. She said she's done it twice now. She said it's so fun to do it.
Howard said he never would have thought she'd be friends with someone like Kim. Amy said her family is fun and they can laugh at themselves. She said it's great when someone can laugh at themselves. She said Kim is an amazing person. She said look at what she's accomplished. Howard asked if they hang out. Amy said just a couple of times. She said they are in contact over text all the time. She said she doesn't remember how it all happened. She said actually she does. She said she thinks they were both at the Met Ball and you can't bring anyone with you. She said she ended up talking to her there and they ended up talking a lot. She said that she threw herself in front of her and Kanye at an event they were at and Kim wanted to laugh but Kanye wasn't laughing so she followed his lead. She said she knew she was just doing something funny. She said that she almost did it again at a Vanity Fair party. She said they talked there and she was asking her husband if she should do it again and he said no.
Amy said she's in her trailer in Queens so there are trucks going by down there. Howard said he can see that.
Howard asked if the Paparazzi were after her asking her for a comment on the Chris rock thing. Amy said it wasn't too bad but people were trying to get her to say something. She said she wasn't looking to talk about it and look like she was trying to get attention.
Howard said it was nice to see her doing her monologue without the other two women. He said it was great. Amy said she worked really hard on it. Howard said he could tell. He said she was really good. Amy said she's 40 and she's feeling good and feeling like she's in her prime.
Howard asked if she was annoyed when she was asked to host with the other two women. He said she could do it on her own. He asked if she asked why they had to have 3 women there. Amy said that she is going to be 100 percent hones. She said it as totally exciting to host with them and she didn't want to host alone. She said she wasn't asked to host alone but she wanted to do it with them. She said that if she ever did it again she would feel comfortable doing it alone but she loved Regina and Wanda. She said that they're great and killer. She said it was fun. She said she knows what Howard is saying though. She said she didn't feel like they were competitive at all. She said it was very collaborative. She said that it worked for them. She said it was a joy to work together. She said she loves the preparing part of the whole thing.
Howard asked Amy about the preparing part of the show. He said the pitch a lot of ideas for the show on Zoom. Amy said she has some jokes that she can't use there but they were jokes she'd never use on a show like that. She said she can say them at a live show. She said it's not the Oscars. She said she pitched having Zelensky on the show and they turned that down. Howard asked if that upset her. Amy said that it did. She thought it would help to have him on. Howard said that it would have. He said it would have been a good thing. Howard asked if she was annoyed he was on the Grammys. Amy said she thought more people would have seen it if it were on the Oscars. Howard said he agrees with her.
Howard asked Amy about the slap thing and if she plays it over in her head and maybe gone out and thrown him out of the building. Amy said she didn't have that feeling. She said if the power were in her hands she doesn't know what she would have done. She said that it was traumatizing for everyone. She said that Chris is a good friend and QuestLove is a good friend. She said to see that happen and then to see Will Smith who she has loved forever do what he did was shocking and it was a bummer.
Howard said he heard that she had talked to Chris Rock about hosting. He said he had given her some comfort. Amy said he's the best. She said he directed one of her specials. She said that they were friends before that but she asked for advice and he told her that she's Amy fucking Schumer and kept encouraging her. She said he was firing her up. She said it's hard for women. She said that she had to submit her jokes and Chris just encouraged her.
Howard asked if Amy was upset about doing so many things in her career and having a movie. Robin said she's had more than one movie. Howard said he was thinking about Trainwreck that she did with Judd Apatow. Amy said he's only thinking about that because Judd heard her on the show and put her in it because of that. Amy said the producers of the Oscars were great. She said it was a good show. She said then the slap happened. She said she had no thoughts about how it affected her. She said it was just upsetting as a person. Howard said he was shocked that they didn't kick him out of there. He said the guy attacked someone on stage and it was just weird. Amy said she just thought about how Will Smith had just done that and he must be in so much pain to do that. She said she was in an abusive relationship years ago so that's what went through her head. She said that might not be the right reaction though.
Howard and Amy talked about Jerrod Carmichael who did Saturday Night Live and talked about that in his monologue. They also talked about his HBO special where he comes out of the closet on stage.
Howard asked if Amy knows Jerrod. She said she does. Howard said he's so loose on stage. He asked if he's always been like that. Amy said she just saw a little bit of his stand up. She said she didn't know it that well. She said he was just very sweet. She said that he's always been interested in process and she thinks that its cool that he's letting you in on the process. Howard said he has talked to Jerry Seinfeld about that kind of thing. He said he doesn't understand that kind fo act. Amy said she likes it when they work it out on stage like that. She said that it feels kind of inappropriate to her. but she feels different about it after Jerrod did it.
Howard said Amy's new show is called Life & Beth and he and Beth are watching it. He said that the just finished the episode with Michael Rapaport. He said what a terrific performance he does in that show. He said Michael Cera is in it too. He said they have that woman with the moustache too. He said that's her boss in the show. Amy said that's Murray Hill. Howard said he's good too. Howard said Bridget Everett is in it too. Howard said he had a weird experience with her at Jerry's house. He told Amy the story about how he went up to her to talk and she told him that she was a waitress. He said she told him this story and she kept it up the whole time. Amy said she was still waiting tables. Howard said she didn't tell him the whole story though. He said he felt like he was being goofed on. Amy said not at all. Howard said he felt like it was a joke or something. Amy said she would love to go to Joe's Pub Live with him and Beth. Howard said he's not going anywhere. He asked if she's had COVID at all. Amy said no. She said she's probably been exposed and she isn't getting it. Howard asked if her child is vaccinated at all. Amy said he's too young. She said they were really locked down for 2 years. She said they're not going out to dinner or parties. She said she is doing stand up though. She said she's being tested so many times. She said she gets tested like twice a day. She said she's good about masking up and all of that.
Amy asked if they go out to dinner. Howard said nope. He said they have Beth's brother over but they're all being tested. He said it's unbelievable.
Howard asked how Amy's sister is doing. He asked if she's working on the new show. Amy said that she is not. She said she's insanely busy. She said she has her own stuff going on. She said her sister has never said that it's annoying to be her sibling but she thinks she's enjoying working on her own and doing her own thing.
Howard asked Amy how she decides on who is going to play her husband and her father in this show. Amy said that Michael Cera plays her boyfriend. She said that Rapaport is a good friend and she figured he should play the role. She said she told him he had to play it. Howard said he did kill it. Howard said that it's clear that Michael Cera is based on her real life husband. He said it's clear. Amy said that he is. She said that her husband has autism and it's the same thing in the show. Howard said the woman who plays her mother is good too. He said he knows her real life story and it's so painful. He said that there are so man parallels in the show. Amy said just wait for episode 9. Howard said he heard about it. He said it was the thing about pulling out her hair. Amy said it's called Trichotillomania. Howard said she had this thing and he was doing something similar. He said he'd pull on his hair too. He asked Amy why she was so ashamed of it. Amy said she started around 13 and she pulled out so much that she had to get a wig to wear to school. She said it was humiliating. She said she felt deformed and ugly and unlovable. She said she had big bald spots. She said she ate her lunch in the nurse's office. She said she heard someone say that she made them sick. Howard said kids were making fun of her because of the bald spot. Amy said they were. She said she thought she was okay and didn't realize she wasn't. She said it was a habit that people can have and it's self soothing to some. Howard said the thing she was being ridiculed about is something you can stop. Amy said it's like heroin addiction. She said you do it without even thinking about it.
Howard asked if she was so invisible to her parents that they didn't really address the situation. He said someone had to get her the wig but they should have asked what's going on. Amy said they did. She said her mom was horrified by it. She said she would be crying while helping her out with her hair. She said she's getting choked up thinking about it. Amy said she just wanted to let it go and this show was part of that. Howard said she wrote the show and she had her character pull her hair out. He said this is how she let people know she had that problem. Amy said it's something new that she hasn't talked about really. She said that she wanted to be sensitive about it when she talks about tit because she knows a lot of people struggle with it. She said it's not something simple.
Howard asked how she stopped doing it because her hair is very nice. Amy said she still pulls her hair. She said if she didn't have these extensions she couldn't be on camera. Howard said they'd see how thin it is. Amy said that's right. She said that she's glad that extensions have become so normalized. She said that a lot of women have that now. She said it's all good and people are just doing what makes them feel good.
Howard said sometimes he sees her wearing something that makes her look funny and she seems to do that on purpose. Amy said that's true. She said she wears some unflattering stuff on her TV show. Howard said he saw her wearing some odd things in her show. He said that she was picking he worst things to wear. Amy said she loved it. She said it's all a mess. She said she had the Camel Toe thing going in one episode.
Howard said the hair pulling is a distraction and her brain is using that to block out the true pain in her life. He said she shows a lot fo the horrors in her life in her show. He said her mom cheated on her father. He said that she was having an affair with her best friend's father. He said she's her rock and she's out there causing all of these problems. Amy said when someone who loves you like that is so destructive it changes things. She said that it was brutal. She said she has forgiven her mother for what she did. She said that she has forgiven herself too. Howard asked if she showed her mother the scripts. He said she doesn't come off that well in the show. Amy said she did show her the scripts. She said she did ask her if there was anything she wanted her to take out. She said her mom is so cool about it she just said it's her story and she didn't want anything taken out.
Howard asked if Amy's mom has apologized to her for the pain she put her through. Amy said she has. She said she wanted to show what happened in this show. She said that we have all had our drama and these moments. She said that the show is about all of that. She said she hopes that people think about what they went through and they can let it go. She said her mom doesn't feel like she's been wronged for anything. She said that things go fast for parents and you want to enjoy what you have while they're young. She said that's what people tell you all the time.
Howard said what makes her so strong is that her father is homeless in the show and he lives in the park. He said that happed in real life. Amy said her father is in a wheelchair in real life. Howard said she must feel for him because he was left by her mom. Amy said he may have been a horrible husband and he was awful to women. She said she knows that. He said that her dad told her that she was the first one he kept. She said that he may have had some abortions before her. She said that she just loves her dad. She said he's beyond flawed. She said she just loves him and being around him. Amy said she knows that he has disappointed women his whole life. She said he did the best he could and her mom did the best she could. She said Howard is doing his best. She said Robin is doing her best and Gary is... Meh. She said she's just joking of course.
Howard said Amy had such a hard time with everything in her childhood. He said that's what led to her pulling her hair out. Amy said she thought she was doing fine. She said there was a time when she had to sleep in a bed with her mom. She said that things were bad. She said this family went through a lot. She said there was a lot of pain there. She said this show is about letting it go. She said you have to take care of yourself. She said the show is a comedy but it may not sound like it.
Howard said he thinks she said that she felt triggered by that slap on the Oscars because she can relate to it. Amy said we all experienced it in the same way. She said Wanda was upset about it and everyone was upset. She said it was upsetting. Amy said she's just now thinking about it 4 times a day. She said there was a while when it was the only thing she was thinking about. She said Jerrod said he was thinking about it constantly and by Wednesday he wanted to kill himself. She said she's really proud of her set that she did on the Oscars. Howard said she came off really well. He said she's glad she had a moment alone. He said she came down in that Spider-Man outfit and he thought about the Fartman thing he did and how he almost lost his fingers with the wires as he came down. He said he was triggered by that.
Howard asked if she has talked to Chris Rock about that since then. Amy said fo course. She said they're going to try to go out to dinner. Howard asked what she does if she's him. Amy said she has no idea. She said he's really smart about it. She said he hasn't spoken publicly about it so she can't speak for him. She said he's a pro and a sweetheart. She said that's an added layer that triggers her. She said it was about the hair loss thing and that got to her too. She said that if someone talked about her hair that was a big thing for her.
Howard said thank god she didn't write any jokes about Will and Jada. Amy said she actually did. She said she has a friend who wrote a joke for her where she said she joked about the movie that Will was in and how they got a movie about the Williams' sister's dad.
Amy said she got death threats about a bit she did on the show. She said that she got a call from the Secret Service about it. Howard asked why they were giving her death threats. Amy said there were so many threats after she made fun of Kirsten Dunst that the Secret Service had to come to her. She said it's really grizzly.
Howard said he read a comment from Jim Carrey about how he'd sue Will Smith for $200 million because that clip is going to be around forever. He said he agrees with him. He said that clip is going to be around. He said Chris is going to be haunted by that clip forever. Amy said it will take a long time to shake off. Howard said there's nothing you can do about it. Amy said that performers have nightmares about that kind of thing.
Howard said he's talked to Chris about being bullied as a kid. He said he grew up on Long Island and had a lot of that going on. Amy said he must really relate to the show then. She said that she's trying not to do so many jokes about being Jewish now. Howard said Adam Sandler isn't self conscious about being Jewish. He said he admires that. Amy said she was called Amy Jewmer growing up and she had pennies thrown at her. She said she knows how bad things can be.
Howard said his mother picked the worst places to live. He said that he had enough.
Howard said life is crazy. He said she got to host the Oscars and then someone slaps another person. He said that there's so much going on in her life. Howard said in the show it has to be a brutally honest relationship when you're with someone with autism. Amy asked if he talked to him at all. Howard said really quick but not for long. Amy said Chris will just walk away in the middle of a boring sorry someone is telling. Howard got a laugh out of that.
Howard said there's so many people with autism out there now. Amy said they auditioned a lot of people with autism but Michael took it so seriously. She said that he watched a lot of footage of him and wrote a ton. She said he was clearly the choice for the role. She said she still can't believe that he said yes. Howard said the guy is good. He said he's so good in the show with her and he elevates every scene with her. He said as a kid he was in some show. Amy said he was in Superbad. Howard asked where he went after that.
Amy got an alert on her phone and it was something about the subway shooting yesterday. She said she thought it was another shooting or something. She said it's just an alert to be on the look out for this guy.
Howard said the new show is fantastic. He said she may be working too hard. He said he heard she's bringing back the show where she was going to learn to do stuff. Amy said they were going to do that but the backed off. She said she wants to keep her marriage going so she decided not to do it. Amy said she feels like she needs a massage. Howard said he can't lay there for an hour. Amy said that she'd let anyone rub her.
Howard asked Amy about how she was talking about getting liposuction. Amy said it was nothing after her C-section. She said that she had some other things going on with her too so she had Endometriosis and she had surgeries and they found a tumor in her appendix. She said that things were a mess. She said she has chronic pain. She said that's another reason she doesn't want to go out. Amy said after all fo that she got a cool sculpt and she didn't care for that. She said she figured she could try the FUPA thing. Howard had no idea what that was. She said it's the front upper pussy area. Howard said just say that then. He said she's talking to a cave man.
Amy asked if he would have dinner with someone outside. Hard said yes but he'd have to have her tested first. He said he was a hypochondriac before all of this. He said he sees people as vampires who will infect him. He said he had to take care of people who need to be taken care of and he had to do that as a child.
Amy said that she has to get back to her lipo. She said that she got that done. Howard said that no one says FUPA. He said she got that from someone. Amy asked if Robin had ever heard it. Robin said not at all. Amy said she references that a lot on stage. She said she asked them to lipo her puss out. She said that your pussy stays good when you have the kid taken out the sunroof. She said that some women think they failed by having the kid that way. Howard said he had a friend who did it just to keep her pussy tight. He said he won't judge. Amy said that she feels better and thinner after all of that. Howard asked if she worries that after they remove the fat cells that if she gains weight that she'll gain it in weird places. Amy said no. She said she's trying to eat right and keep it under control. She said she's just now stopping her emotional eating after the Oscars. She told Howard what she was eating after the Oscars and how she had a burger and pasta. She said Chris was sleeping and she was eating on the bed next to him.
Howard said he knows Amy has to work a lot today. Amy said they had Tim Meadows yesterday so he's in a bunch of sketches. Howard said he's from Saturday Night Live. Amy said he's her favorite of all time from Saturday Night Live. Howard asked if he's one fo these great writers who gets overlooked on a show like that. Amy said he's a genius. Howard said he's going to let her go since she has to work today. He said she's the hardest working woman in show business. Howard gave her plugs for her TV Show and the other shows she's working on. She got in a plug for the book she mentioned earlier.
Howard said he learned that she has a tight vagina. He said he didn't know that before today. Amy said she does have pussy pride. Howard asked what that means. Amy said that she doesn't have FUPA. She said she just feels like she has a dope pussy. Howard said once you get that FUPA fixed you have pussy pride. Howard asked if she breast fed. Amy said she did. She asked if she wants to see them. Howard said please. He ended up talking to her about the flash scene in Life & Beth where she lifted her shirt as a kid. Amy said she didn't know that everyone was different and kids made fun of her nipples.
Amy said that she wanted to say that the show has been picked up for a second season. Howard said good for you. She said she just got a text right now. She said both her agents just let her know. She said she wanted to share that news on here. Howard said he loves it. He said they're going to have a second season. Howard gave her more plugs. Amy said that you can read Howard's many books and you can hear him on Sirius and see him if you're in his home. Howard said she's the first guest to ever give him a plug on his show. Amy said that she's wanted to plug him since she met him.
Robin said she wanted to say that her show is great because it shows that she didn't have a perfect life and she can still be successful. She said that's the story that they're never told.
Howard said thank god she had a horrible childhood because look at what they're getting now. Amy said that she wants to get diner with Howard and Beth. She said she'll do whatever she has to.
Howard asked if she knew Gilbert at all. Amy said yes. She said he was the most timid and sweetest person. She said that he reminds her of Bridget Everett. She said that he was so sweet. She said that was a real sad one. She said tears came but she didn't sob. Howard said he was on the show 122 times. He said they're doing a special this weekend to celebrate the guy. Howard wrapped up with Amy and let her go.
Howard said he finds something he likes and it's always rare. He said he can't get his hands on it.
Robin said Amy has been through a lot. Howard said yes she has. Robin has been too. Robin said everyone has a story. Howard said Robin has the most incredible story. Robin said the thing about people being vampires is something new she learned today. Howard said Robin isn't one but everyone else is.
Howard got in a plug for the Gilbert Gottfried special they'll be running on Howard 101. He said that they will have a special running next week on Howard 101 as well. He said they have a lot of programming going on this month.
Howard said Robin had a mishap before the show this morning. He said her special drink as prepared and ended up spilling all over he. He said that she had to go out for a scream before the show. Robin said it was all over her and she won't come in there with that drink without a top on it. Howard said he's glad to hear her say that. He said this is why he adores her. Robin said she still has to figure out how to lift this drink off the desk without it spilling all over. Howard called in a code red to Captain Dennis. Robin said that she went in another room and screamed when it happened. She said she has this rage built up in her and she wasn't going to be able to get into the show without doing that. Howard wanted to hear what it sounded like so Robin stood up and screamed. Howard said he could never do that. He said that would hurt. Fred played a Gilbert laugh drop.
Howard said they're going to end the show on a special note. He said this is JD with words of inspiration. He had JD get on and say something profound. JD said just have a good weekend and a good week. He said enjoy yourselves and try not to let the bad things make you feel bad. He said keep on living and scream if you have to. Howard said he'll have to tell his mother that.
Howard said he has to have his breakfast and he can't imagine what it must be like for her not to have her special drink. He said he admires her for getting through the show today. He said Robin has a lovely FUPA too. He said she made it through the show today and he's proud of her. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:50am.