Howard was back from vacation this morning. He started the show talking about how he got some sleep and you can tell from the energy he has this morning. He asked Robin to turn on her microphone. She said she was just saying how handsome he looks. Howard said he felt like his hair was out of control. Robin said it has nice shape but it looks like he didn't try too hard. Howard said he didn't try.
Howard said he's revitalized after that week off they had. He said he's not sure if we're in a pandemic or not. He said he went for a walk and he wears a mask and his wife isn't. He said he's not sure what's going on. He said she says they're outside and they have been vaccinated so she's not wearing one. He said he's wearing a mask. Robin said she was watching the Oscars and no one was wearing a mask. Howard said he always feels like he has COVID even though he's never had it. He said there's still some risk outside.
Robin said she was watching when Prince Philip died and they were showing people over there. She said everyone walking by the reporter there weren't wearing masks. She said she talked to someone from over there and they say if you go inside they have to wear a mask but not outside.
Howard said he knows Bubba just got over COVID. He said they say that 29 precent of the country is vaccinated. He said that they're shutting down some of the vaccination sites because no one is showing up. Robin said people aren't showing up even though you can get it now.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she just lost her husband to COVID. She said her husband died a week and a half ago. She said he died a week after being diagnosed. She said that he got so much joy from the show. Howard asked how old the guy was. The caller, Brenda, said she was just 35. She said he died in front of her. She said he collapsed in front of her. She said people have to take it seriously. She said that she thinks they already had it and didn't know. She said that it's not a joke. She said her son has no father now. Howard asked how old the son is. She said he'll be 2 in July. Howard said that's really horrible.
Brenda said that her husband loved Howard so much. Howard asked if he had underlying conditions. She said he had high blood pressure. She said he was medicated and he had it under control. Howard said he was reading that younger and younger people are dying from this now. Robin said the new variants are much more deadly to younger people.
Howard asked what happened to Brenda's husband. She said he had trouble breathing and he collapsed around bed time. She said he was gone before she could even turn him over. She said they tried to revive him for over an hour. She said he seemed fine an hour earlier.
Howard asked if he had any symptoms. She said he was dealing with them that day but it wasn't so bad. She said it just happened so fast. Howard said so many people think they'll be fine if they get it. Brenda said she had some symptoms but they're fine. Howard said it's something else that people won't get the vaccine. Brenda said that it gets to her that people don't want to protect other people. Howard said this is how he wants his wife to react when he dies. He said he can tell that Brenda loved her husband. Howard said his biggest fear is that his wife won't act like this when he's gone.
Howard said he's guessing that Brenda's husband was a really good guy. He said he's glad she called because maybe people will show up to get vaccinated. Robins said people aren't showing up for their second shot. Brenda said that her sister told her that people aren't showing up for their second shots. She said side effects are better than death. Howard said of course. Brenda said she would rather have her husband having weird side effects right now. Howard said he was a young guy and it's just awful. He thanked her for calling and letting him know this. Brenda said that he thought Fred was a genius. Howard said he hopes he thought he was more of a genius than Fred.
Howard said he feels really bad for her. He let Brenda go a short time later. Howard said Benjy was texting him asking if it's too soon to ask her out on a date. Howard said he didn't want to tell her that. He said he was going to ask her if she wanted to go on a date with him. He said he didn't bring it up though. He said he was so close to asking her. He said Benjy is desperate for a girlfriend. Robin said maybe in a week he can call her back. She said that's a shame. Howard said Fred was about to hit the Jackie laugh but then she complimented him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was dating a girl and they were doing really good but she got sick and passed away after getting COVID. He said it was about a week after she felt sick. He said that they thought it was pneumonia. He said it turned out she tested negative for COVID but she had it.
Howard said the tests are showing that they're negative. He said that's what happened to Bubba too. The caller said they took test after test and they had 3 negative tests with his girlfriend. He said then within 3 hours she was gone. He said they're overweight and have blood pressure issues. He said it caused congestive heart failure. He said take this stuff seriously. Howard said he's not sure how there are arguments against science. He said he's not sure what happened to this country. He said it's a blight on this country with the anti-science people.
Robin said people listen to people on the internet more than they listen to a doctor. Howard said he's not sure how you combat this.
Howard said Beth won't wear a mask outside. He said he can't enforce it. He said she carries a mask with her but won't wear it. He said he asks her if she brings it and she does. He said she's right in a way that they say if you're outdoors you're okay. Robin said she heard that you're still supposed to wear a mask. Howard said that's what he's doing. He said you can goof on him all you want. He said he noticed that people who wear masks wave to you if you're wearing a mask. He said it's almost like driving an exotic car and they honk at each other. Robin said people in Corvettes do that.
Howard said he can't convince Beth to wear a mask. Robin asked when she started doing that. Howard said they go out for a walk and she doesn't wear one. He said that she said they're outside and far enough away from people that they can do it. Howard said he doesn't think they're that far away. Beth thinks they are. Robin said the only people you're supposed to be unmasked around are people who are vaccinated.
Howard said if he gets Beth in there Robin has to talk to her. Howard said he'll text her now. Robin said she's not telling her. Howard texted her.
Howard said he has a woman on the phone who died from it and she wants to talk about this. He took the call from a fake woman who was calling in after dying from COVID. She said she was calling to tell Howard he's a genius. Howard let her go.
Howard said the woman who started it off was going on and on. He said everyone came on with their messages and thoughts and it just went on and on. He said they didn't stop people from talking as long as they wanted. He said they weren't showing clips from the movies either. He said the show was just so bad. He said everyone would wear a mask until they were inside. He said that's the opposite of what you're supposed to do. Robin said a woman won an award and Brad Pitt was standing way away from this woman and he had to show her where to go. She said she came over and looped her arm around him and walked off. Howard said he would have pushed her away from him. Robin said he didn't know what to do.
Howard said he has to apologize to the person who used to play people off the stage. He said he's given them a hard time over the years. He said he was wrong for doing that.
Howard said Will McCormack won an award and he's Mary McCormack's brother. He said she played his wife in Private Parts. Howard said another woman, Colleen Callahan died this year and she did makeup on Private Parts. He said they mentioned her in the In Memorium thing. He said they played Stevie Wonder in the segment and they would rush through names on the screen when his voice would speed up.
Howard said he wanted to talk about the Academy Awards. He said they had a pre-Oscars show and it was hosted by some actress he didn't know named Ariana DeBose. He said she annunciates every word and speaks very slow. He played some audio from the show where she was speaking very slow. Howard said he was gone after that.
Howard said she asked questions and then she would take a second to think about what the person said. He played an example of that. He said he's not sure who this woman is but he thinks they were finding people who were more expendable to do stuff like that on the show. He said he doesn't know who she is. He said he was missing Ryan Seacrest.
Robin said she saw someone talking about going to a movie for the first time and she wondered who that person even was.
Howard said people throw out hip sayings and he didn't know what was going on. He played a clip of someone saying ''Kings supporting kings'' and he had no idea what that was.
Howard said they had Lil Rel Howery as the co-host of this show. He said he compliments people three times. He said he might have OCD. He played some audio of Rel doing that with someone. He always did it in threes.
Howard said he felt bad for this guy who said his daughter died in a car accident. He said that was really tough. He said there's nothing to goof on here. He played a clip of the guy talking about the accident that took his daughter away.
Howard said this was one of the first speeches of the night. He said he had to get out of it after that. He said he needs escapism here.
Howard said Mary's brother got an award for being a director. He said he's not sure what it was he won for. He said he knows Mary but not her brother so well. He said that he's sure Mary would like an Oscar. He said that he was happy for him. He said he had met him before. He said he was an actor too. He said he won so here's what he said. He played a clip of Mary's brother Will making his speech. Robin said she didn't know that was Mary's brother. She remembered that speech. Howard said it was for an animated short film.
Howard said he's not sure how much more of this Robin wants to hear. Robin said they have to hear more. Howard said it was just so boring. He said Laura Dern was complimenting everyone. Howard played some audio of Laura Dern doing her thing on the show and complimenting people.
Howard said he'd rather see clips of the films than hear that. Robin said she had something nice to say about all of them. She wondered if she had written that all herself. Howard said she was kind of a B-list actress. Robin said she's a great actress. She said her dress was a little off though. Howard said it looked like a Star Wars movie dress. Robin said she could have been in the bar scene. Howard said she looked like an animal from a Star Wars film. He said he likes Laura Dern so don't get him wrong. Howard said JD said it looked like it was made out of the monster that Luke Skywalker killed at the beginning of that one film. He said someone describing to you why a movie is good is not a great cinematic moment.
Howard said he it was a crazy show. He said that it was Laura Dern lecturing him about why a movie was good. Robin said she was enjoying the commercials more than the show.
Howard said Harrison Ford was really good on the show. He said he got up and read some notes from his movie he made years ago. He said he read the notes and it turns out it was from Bladerunner. He said that it was kind of a good speech. He played some audio of Harrison reading his notes. He said the guy is a mess but it was good.
Howard said anyone over 70 they should get to early. He said Harrison was much more peppy at the start of the show.
Howard took a call from fake Harrison Ford who had more notes to read. Fake Harrison was reading some notes but it turned out to be a shopping list. He fell asleep in the middle of reading the list. Howard let him go while he was still reading his list.
Howard got back to the clip of real Harrison reading his notes. Howard said he loves reading lists. Robin said he did go on. Howard said he's waiting to see if Harrison calls back with more lists. He said he loved how he unfolded the notes on microphone. He did an impression of that and then took another call from fake Harrison who had another list to read. Fake Harrison was reading a to do list this time. Howard let him go a short time into reading more lists.
Robin said the best speech was the guy Daniel Kaluuya who said something about how his parents had sex and here he is. She said his mother was in the audience.
Howard said Frances McDormand won. He said he knows her and she seems to like him so he's a fan. He said that people in show business greet each other in a certain way. He said he gets to hang out with people in show business occasionally. He said that when you do that you have to act like you're not that impressed. He said inside he's thinking about how cool it is. He said you have to act like you don't know who they are.
Howard said they ended the night on a low note. He said Anthony Hopkins won but he wasn't there. Robin said he probably saw that no one was wearing a mask and didn't want to show up. Howard played a clip of the award being announced. they had someone accept on his behalf and then they ended the show.
Howard said they really cut the budget with the music they had there. He said Quest Love was just playing records.
Robin said she prefers the Julia Roberts way of greeting people. She said she met her at an event and she was waiting to go to the stall and Julia freaked out that she was meeting her. She said she ran over and greeted her and said she loves her. Howard said he's never seen anything like that. He said he met George Clooney at a party once and he acted like he didn't really know him. He said that George had to introduce himself to him. He said that's how you do it.
Howard said he has an advance copy of Seth Rogen's book and it's really good. He said that he'll be on to talk about it. He said that he has stories about his life and there's some crazy shit. He said it's really crazy stuff. He said he's not sure what he can talk about. He said Seth tells a story about how much he loves Slurpees and how he'd get high and get one. He said that they're all just sugar water. He said that he has one almost every day since high school. He said Seth said that he took a blood test and found out he was pre-diabetic. He said then he said ''but aren't we all?''
Howard said Beth eats Lucky Charms with Frosted Flakes. He said they sell that. Robin asked who thought of that. Howard said whoever that was is an evil genius. He said then he saw these chocolate covered almonds. He said Beth got into those for lunch. He said that's what she eats for lunch. He said that she has 10-20 of those. He said he asked when she has any food. He said they go upstairs one day and he's walking into her cat feeding area. He said she had hidden gummy bears and gummy worms in a drawer. He said she had thousands of packets of this stuff. He said it was like catching her cheating on him.
Howard said he thought she had gone trick or treating. He said that she has them after lunch. Robin said that's lunch of chocolate covered almonds.
Howard said Dr. Agus tells him that his sugar levels are up after eating bread. He said that he's told not to eat that stuff but Beth is eating nothing but sugar.
Howard said he had a blood test a couple of weeks ago. He said he told Beth to get her blood tested. He said that she eventually got it tested. He said that Dr. Agus told him that she was pre-pre-diabetic. He said that means that she's not pre-diabetic but pre-pre-diabetic. He said now she's off all sugar. Robins said she had been for the longest time. He said that scared the fuck out of her. Howard said it scared her straight.
Howard said Beth threw out all of her gummys and stuff like that. He said that she used to have a can of Ginger Ale too. He said she stopped that. He said now she's miserable like him unless she's hiding it from him.
Howard said he remembers years ago that Kitty Dukakis came out as an alcoholic and she was drinking bottles of perfume because they had alcohol in them. Robin said they say that they can't keep hand sanitizer dispensers full because people are drinking it.
Howard read some details from the NY Times article where they tell you when to wear a mask outside. He said it's all over the place. He said that you should have a mask on hand in case you have to be in a crowd or need to go indoors. Robin said it sounds like Beth might be right then. Howard said he's always right so don't tell her that.
Howard asked Fred if he's right. Fred said he is. He said you should be careful and walk around with a mask. He said it's better to be safe than sorry. Howard said these fucks on bicycles you don't hear coming up behind you. He said they just come flying up.
Howard said JD has no women of color on his list. JD said that he has one. He said Andra Day is a woman of color. Howard said he has no trans women on his list. Robin said that the list was for women and not trans. She said she's not sure if that's the same category. Howard said he follows a trans woman named Hunter on Twitter. JD said she looks good. Howard said he thinks that's enough with the Oscar talk.
Howard asked who the hottest guy was there. JD said it was Daniel Kaluuya. Robin said he thought he was the best looking guy? JD said he did think he was. JD puppet said Brad Pitt looked good. Howard said fuck Brad Pitt and his good looks. JD said he even has old Asian women going after him. Robin said he's talking about the woman who grabbed him while trying to find her way off stage.
Howard said the guys looked it up and found out that Steve isn't available for Cameos right now. He said he's put that on hold for now. He said he must be really busy.
Howard said he feels intelligent watching Feud. He said that he feels dumb watching Jeopardy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he turned Jeopardy on and he saw Anderson Cooper hosting and he's good. Howard said he knew he'd be good at that. The caller said he thinks he's the choice and they should stop looking. Robin said yeah, Jon Hein.
Howard said he saw that George Stephanopoulos is going to get a try out. He said he was kind of upset because that was his idea.
The caller said he wanted to say that Fred is a genius too. Howard said he's getting too many compliments so he may have to fire him. He said he has to tone it down there.
Howard took a call from Paul Bobo who asked if he would ever have Fred on to do a full interview like a guest. Howard said no, never. He said that's ridiculous. He said that he draws the line. He said he can't be a guest, he works on the show. Paul Bobo said Robin was once his guest. Howard said that's different. He said he's not dropping down to the Fred level. He said no one wants to hear that. Howard said maybe he will do that but he thinks he did it once. He said he had a long conversation with him once. Fred said he doesn't remember that. Paul Bobo said that was like 92 seconds but it may have seemed longer to Howard.
Howard said he learned that Fred is good in small doses. He said Robin once turned to him and said that 92 seconds with Fred is a lifetime to her. Robin said she never said that. Howard said she did but she doesn't want to admit it. Fred said any time that takes away from Robin time is it. Robin said she was on his side. She said she never said that.
Howard said he will try one question with Fred and see how it goes. Howard asked Fred what he did over vacation. Robin said ''Oh no!'' Howard said Robin said that having cancer was easier than talking to Fred. Robins said she never said that.
Howard asked Fred how his vacation was. Fred said it was fine. Howard said there you go. Paul Bobo said that was awesome. Howard said people on the Oscars should have learned from Fred.
Howard said he loves Fred and he's been with him the longest. Fred went off on Paul Bobo for causing trouble on the show today. Howard said he knows what's best on the show and he doesn't think that he can talk to Fred that long.
Fred let Howard know what he did on vacation. He said he rode his motorcycle a bit. Howard asked where he went. Fred said he went to Montauk Point. Howard said it seems like most people have nowhere to go. Fred said that's like asking why you paint. He said you could just take a picture. Fred said he likes riding because he's been riding since he was a kid. He said he goes to clear his head. Howard asked if he can't clear his head in another way. Fred said that they say that if everyone rode then they wouldn't need a shrink. He said it clears your head. Howard asked what he needs to clear out of his head. Fred said you have to get out and you want to get out there to do something. He said it's a safe way to do it for him. He said it's much different on a motorcycle than in a car.
Howard asked what it is he has to clear out of his head. Fred said you just have to get away from the family on occasion. He said that he just wants to give his wife a break away from him. Robin asked if he has to wear a helmet. Fred said he does. He said he rides alone and not with others. Howard asked if he ever waves to other motorcycles. Fred said he does. He said you do a little hand thing.
Howard said they should interview Fred's wife long form. He said forget about Fred. He said he's picturing that she's relieved when he leaves the house. Fred said he's sure she has screams of joy.
Howard said that Jennifer Witz is on the phone to talk about this Fred interview. He took the call from Fake Jennifer who said that they're going to cancel the show if he doesn't start talking titties and get away from Fred. She said they're hemorrhaging listeners.
Howard said he knew he shouldn't have talked to Fred. He got back to his motorcycle ride and asked about what he did when he got to his destination. Fred said he got off and looked at the nice view out there. He said that it's just beautiful. Howard asked how long he spent looking. Fred said maybe 10 minutes. He said the ride there and back was about 45 minutes each way.
Howard asked if Fred thinks about anything while staring. Fred said he tries to empty his head of all thoughts. He said that's like meditating. Howard said that's not what meditation is. He said he has to do the proper meditation. Robin said he doesn't need a shrink because he rides a motorcycle.
Howard asked Paul Bobo if this was enough of Fred. Paul Bobo said he wants more. He said he wants to hear more about his life and his childhood. Fred said that you really don't want that. He said it's nothing like Ronnie's life. He said he and Robin have had rough childhoods.
Howard asked Fred about staring at the view and why it had to be 10 minutes and not just 2 minutes. Fred said it was the beauty of the universe. Howard said he feels like he could be done in 5 minutes. Fred said he loves riding. He said that he has been doing it a long time. Howard asked if he has ever fallen. Fred said not since he was a kid.
Howard asked more questions about the motorcycle riding thing and Fred said he knows it means nothing to him so this is meaningless. He said the ride is to reconnect your thoughts. He said that when you're in the car you're messing with things in there. He said when you ride you're thinking about the ride. Howard asked if he ever speeds. Fred said sure he has. Robin asked if he listens to music while riding. Fred said not at all. He said you should be focusing on the ride.
Howard asked if Fred revs his engine at stop lights. Fred said not at all. Robin said Fred rides to clear his mind but then he reconnects his mind at the destination. Howard asked if he wears a leather jacket. Fred said he does and he wears a full face shield too. Howard asked if he loves his helmet. Fred said he likes his brains inside his head so he loves wearing a helmet.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves this interview. It was clips of Wendy the Slow adult that the guys were playing. Howard asked some questions and the guys had Wendy responding with ''Yes'' to everything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Fred at Montauk Point because they meet there to suck each other off. He said they've been doing that for 30 years now. Howard said that was obviously a phony phone call. Fred said he's not so sure. Howard said he is a married man so that was a fake call.
Howard said they learned a lot about Fred today. He said it was fascinating. Fred said some people are into motorcycles and some are into fountain pens. He said they're all different.
Howard said thanks to Fred and said they'll talk in another 5 years. Fred said he had better sign on again. Howard said that ain't happening. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Steven Tyler is a romantic guy. Robin said that Fred might tell him that he didn't write this. Fred said he wasn't sure. Gary said he thinks that Diane Warren wrote that song. Howard said Fred listens to this song when he's parked at Montauk Point. Fred said he didn't know that. Howard said he really does love that man Fred. He said he just doesn't want to interview him.
Howard took a call from a guy who had nothing to say so Howard hung up on him. Howard said this 19 year old kid who shot up the FedEx facility was a Brony. He said that these are people who love My Little Pony. He said he was obsessed with it. He said that you always wonder about mass shooters and what they do. He said this guy's name was Brandon Scott Hole. He said he hates to bring up his name but he killed 8 people. Howard said he killed 8 people and he killed himself. He said he was Brony obsessed according to this article. He said a few hours before he did this he hoped that he could be with Apple Jack in his afterlife. Howard said that's a blonde pony that he liked.
Howard said that they're finding out that these people who are Bronies are also right wing extremists. He said that they are the kind of people who are recruited into hate groups because they're outsiders. He said that some of these web sites like 4Chan have hate group sections and Brony sections and they find each other on there. He said it's crazy. He said this is how these people are getting into this stuff based on theories he's read.
Robin wondered what the heck is happening that's making them into Brony lovers that turn to hate groups.
Howard said this guy who killed all of these people was in love with Apple Jack. He said he read that Apple Jack is a lesbian pony. He said this mother fucker killed people and he thinks that he's impressing Apple Jack but she might be into chicks. He said that it's like Mark David Chapman trying to impress Jodi Foster.
Howard said people who are on his staff and have to watch My Little Pony have told him that she might settle down with Rainbow Dash. Robin said that he said something about being reunited with her. Howard said he's not picking up on the Rainbow Dash part of that story. He said he didn't pick up on a lot of things in his life. Robin said we have rampant mental illness in this country.
Howard took a call from Apple Jack who was talking dirty to Howard. Howard asked if she's gay. Apple Jack said she'll be with anybody. Howard asked what she said about horse pussy. She said that she bets that he wants her wet, dripping and hairy horse pussy. Howard said he thinks he's done with that. He hung up on her.
Howard played some clips from Brony-Con that they had played in the past. They had guys at the event talking about My Little Pony. Robin wondered what you do when your kid starts playing with My Little Pony. Howard said you're doomed. He said if his son was 23 and in his room playing with My Little Pony he'd call the FBI and turn him in.
Howard said he guarantees that if he hadn't hired JD full time he'd b a Brony now. He said not all Brony's are psychotic mass murderers. Robin said they're not well socialized. She said someone has to get them some help.
Robin said she wants to thank Dr. Fauci for saying that these shootings are a mental heath crisis. She said she had to say thank you for that. She said someone is finally saying something that makes sense.
Howard asked Robin what she would do if she had a 27 year old son living at home would she rather have him jerking off to My Little Pony or photos of dead bodies. Robin said she's thinking dead bodies is more normal. She said that has to be closer to normal.
Howard played more clips from Brony-Con. He had one where a guy was doing an impression of a sick pony.
Howard said this mass shooter guy was in love with Apple Jack. He said he thinks he'll meet up with her in heaven.
Ronnie said this Realtor.com puts houses up like that and they don't care when you ask them to take it down. Howard said he was shocked by some of the pictures. Ronnie said there was no way he wanted that. He said you get too many weirdos when you do that. He said this moron on the phone had to bring it up. Apples said he hopes he sells it for twice what he's asking. Ronnie told him to forget about him and don't worry about what he's doing. He said he's a psycho. He said the guy is a fucking moron.
Howard asked how they watch TV in the bedroom because it's behind their heads. Ronnie said it's on the wall in front. Howard asked if they have mirrors on the ceiling. Ronnie said no. Howard said it looked like he had 10 times the NASCAR stuff in his house than he thought.
Apples brought up the stuffed animals. Ronnie said that's Stephanie's stuff. He said ask her about it. Apples said he has an airplane in his NASCAR room. He asked what that is. Ronnie didn't answer him. He said he doesn't have to answer to this fucking moron.
Howard asked what's with the airplane. Ronnie said Howard gave it to him. He said it's a G4. He said it was the Bumble Bee kid's plane. Howard asked what he means. Ronnie said that kid from Bumble Bee had that plane and he gave Howard that replica and Howard gave it to him. Howard said he didn't remember that.
Howard asked why he has so many toys in his house. Ronnie said it's stuff he likes to collect. He said that it's like Howard collecting guitars. Howard said he plays guitar though. He said it's a different thing. Ronnie said he likes the cars. He said that he likes it.
Howard said there's a lot of toys between Ronnie's stuff and Stephanie's stuffed animals. Apples asked if Stephanie is into My Little Pony. Ronnie said he'll talk to Howard all he wants but please hang up on this guy.
Howard said he asked Ronnie to get rid of the Playboy stuff he had on his car. He said he should have asked him to come over and decorate his house too. He said he has a gorgeous house but he has to get rid of the toys. Ronnie said he's taking them all with him when he moves.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he doesn't want to bust his balls but he has to talk about this. Ronnie said that they asked Realtor.com to take this story down but they refuse.
King said you have to seek the listing. He said they know everything about this listening. He said he's trying sell his house so they're helping. Ronnie said they didn't have to write that he works on the Howard Stern Show or put his picture up there. He said anyone with a realtor company can come see the house now. Howard said celebrity houses sell for more. He said it could help. He said they can promote that this is the room where he got pegged.
King said he has to stage the house. He said it looks crazy in there. He said they have to do something. Ronnie said he's doing just fine so leave him alone. King said he has sold houses before. Ronnie said everything is going just fine and he doesn't need his help. King said he's just trying to give him a tip. Ronnie said he doesn't need his tips. He said he thinks he knows everything.
King said he had to take down all the black pictures in his parents house so no one knew that a black family lived there. Ronnie said he already did that. Howard said he's saying that he took down pictures of his family so people would think they were white. King said he had to take down the African art and things like that. King said that Ronnie should paint the walls a neutral color. He said that he has to do something about the green wall. Ronnie said it's not green.
King asked why he would buy a house with no garage. Howard said oh come on. King said he has to do something about the sinks in the bathroom too. He said you can't do things like have a clam shell sink. Ronnie said they have glass sinks. He said it's dual sinks. Howard took a look at the pictures. He said that is interesting. Ronnie said that they're buying the house and not his decorations. He said they can do what they want with the bathroom.
King asked if Howard walked into that bathroom he'd be like ''What the hell?'' Howard said Ronnie has his own tastes. Robin said someone made those things and they were bought. Howard asked where Ronnie got that sink. He said he's not sure how to turn it on. Robin said she was wondering the same thing. Ronnie said it's very simple.
Ronnie said he'd love to see King's house and see what he got from his father. He said that he didn't work a day in his life for that shit. He said he lived in mansions that his father bought. Howard said he's sure Ronnie has never seen a sink like that in someone's house. Ronnie said he has. Howard asked who that is. King said that was a great question. He said you know no one ever saw that.
Howard said Ronnie is right. He said they should take that story down. He said that Ronnie asked them to take it down. King said he could take the listing down. Ronnie said he's not taking it down because he's trying to sell his house. He said he didn't ask them to write this story and put pictures of him up.
King said this is a benefit of working for the show. Ronnie said it's not. He said he can fuck off.
King asked Ronnie if he can ask one more question. Ronnie told him to fuck off again. He said that King never worked a day in his life to have what he has. He said he's little Silver Spoon boy over there. He didn't let King talk. He told him to go fuck himself. He said he's a fucking jerk off and everyone knows that.
King asked if he can make a comment and ask one question. Ronnie talked over him so he was having trouble getting it out. King said they have an app that you can erase everything in the house and show it empty. Howard said who cares and hung up on King.
Apples said he was watching videos of Ronnie being hypnotized and he thinks he saw a ghost in his house in one of the videos. Howard said stop it. He hung up on Apples. Howard asked if Ronnie watched himself being hypnotized. Ronnie said he saw a little bit of it. He said he thought it was kind of cool. He said he was working with Scott yesterday. He said hypnotism is great. He said it really works. He said that he's been working with Scott for the past two weeks. He said he's able to sleep now thanks to the guy. He said it's fucking great. He said he has to go do his exercises now because people get him worked up like these guys do.
Howard said it really works then. Howard read some feedback about Ronnie and Apples. He said most of it was negative toward Apples. He said that one person said that if Ronnie just stopped reacting to it then it would all go away.
Howard said everyone is on Ronnie's side. Howard took a call from Mike from Maine who said that he heard the replay of the ugly meter app guy and he got upset with that guy. He wondered if he hates that guy or Apples more. Ronnie said that guy came on the show and he got a low rating on the look meter. Howard asked Ronnie who he hates more. Ronnie said definitely Apples. He said he'd take the meter guy to lunch. He said the other guy can drown. He said that guy is just a psychopath.
Howard had some audio from Bubba's show where he talked about his experience with Coronavirus. He was talking about how he wasn't able to get comfortable and cool down or warm up.
Howard said Bubba talked about how he felt like he broke ribs from coughing so much. He said that he tested positive after testing negative for COVID-19.
Howard had a clip of Bubba talking about how he shit his pants. Bubba said he was peeing and he felt like he had to fart and it turned out he shit. He said that he thought he might have diarrhea so he sat on the toilet and he did.
Howard said in other words he's back to his old self. Robin said she doesn't think of him as a not smart guy but he wasn't taking it seriously all this time. Howard said he told him that he didn't and he was being a little too lose. Robin asked where the disconnect is. Howard said he's not sure how to answer that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she can't stand Apples. She said that he's stalking Ronnie. She said shame on him and she's not sure why Howard gives him the time. Howard said the guy isn't stalking. He said you put stuff out on Instagram and people are going to follow it. He said don't go on Instagram if you don't want people to see it. Mariann said the guy is going beyond to find things out about Ronnie.
Howard said he loves people who post pictures in a bathing suit and people say they look fat and then they say they're shaming them. He said don't post it then.
Howard said Mariann is on Ronnie's side in all of this. Ronnie said he appreciates that.
Howard said Sal has no common sense. He said that he has fucked up so many times. He said he walked into his studio and used his megaphone. He said that he's not sure what Sal was doing in there that time. Sal said he was going to do a bit. He said that he had no idea how angry Howard would be. He said he didn't ask anyone to use it. He said no one told him he was doing something wrong.
Howard said this megaphone is something he's been using for years. He said the thing is falling apart. He said this fuck head walks in and thinks he's going to sue it for his own purposes. He said he was livid over that. He said there's no amount of Lysol that he could use to get rid of Sal. He said the guy jerked off at work too. Sal said it was after hours and late in the evening. He said he can't say that about other people who have fuck ups. Howard said Sal doesn't get that you don't jerk off at work. Sal said he gets it.
Howard said Gary did fall asleep at work but that can happen. He said Gary is so busy at home that he comes to work and falls asleep. He said it's aggravating. He said that he understands it on some level that it can happen. He said jerking off and taking the megaphone are crazy. Sal said Gary fell asleep on the job. He said that's pretty bad.
Howard read more feedback about the special and how bat shit insane Sal is. they talked about him taking Ace Freyley's phone number off of a release form. Howard asked Sal what he would have said to Ace if he had called him. Sal and Howard did a bit where Sal talked to Howard as Ace. That didn't go well for Sal.
Howard said the best fuck ups for Sal were in the first year he worked for them. He said he walked into the green room and gave Ace a copy of his prank calls. He said they had to lock Sal into his office for the first couple of years there. He said he didn't know how to act around guests. He said they found out that Sal would leave his office and bother guests.
Howard said when people come he has a mask on. Beth said he takes it off when people aren't around. Beth said she doesn't want to wear a mask outside. She said they're vaccinated. Robin said there are variants. Beth said they're very careful though.
Howard said it's really Robin who wants her to wear a mask. Howard asked if she wore it outside with her friend. Beth said that she did. Howard said he's fucked. Beth said that she was telling her friend how in love with Howard she is. She said that he proposed to her again. Howard said he did. Beth said Quarantine was so great for them. She said they're so in love. Howard said he'll die if he gets COVID. Beth said he's safe now. Robin said it's not safe yet. She said only 29 percent of people are vaccinated.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that these vaccines don't protect you from getting the virus. He said you can still get it but it mitigates the symptoms.
Howard took a call from Beth's fake friend who was coughing while she told Howard about how they held their breath on their walk. Beth said she had some pollen in her throat and she was coughing on their walk. She said she felt so bad.
Howard asked why she won't wear her mask with him. Beth said she'll try but she won't promise anything. She said he didn't need to do this to her. She said she's very angry with him right now.
Howard took a call from Beth from the future who said Howard is gone and she should have listened to him. Beth said she does listen to him. Howard said he's just scared. He said they have been so good. He said they have to be careful a little longer.
Robin said she wants both of them to live so be cautious. Beth said she will commit to wearing a mask with Howard outside then. She said Howard can thank Robin for that.
Howard asked if Beth has cut out her sugar. Beth said she had some peanut butter this morning. She said she has cut out her sweets though. Howard said he told the story earlier this morning. He told the story again about how he found her candy.
Beth said she's getting light headed now. She said that she has to go eat something. Beth said she wants to talk to Dr. Agus about this whole thing. Howard told Gary to get him on. Beth said she wants to tell him what she does on a walk and if that's acceptable. Robin said holding your breath is ridiculous. Howard said they can't get Dr. Agus on because Gary is asleep. Gary said he's right there. He said he can try to get him on.
Howard asked if Beth smells. She said she does. Howard said he wants to smell her. Beth said she doesn't like that.
Howard took a call from fake Charlie Sheen who said that Beth is right and that's fine to do what Beth says.
Howard said he wants to stay alive and be part of the party. Gary said Dr. Agus will be on in 2 minutes.
Howard got Dr. Agus on the phone and had Beth set up the whole thing. Beth told Dr. Agus about their walk. She said that when they walk by other people who are not more than 6 feet from them and she holds her breath. She said that Howard says she's wrong about that. Howard said some of them are within a foot. He wanted to tell him about the NY Times article but Beth cut him off.
Dr. Agus said that there are two ways to look at this. He said that from the individual thing there's nothing wrong with what Beth is doing. She said that in public heath you should be wearing a mask. He said they could get a little bit of the virus but they would have very little symptoms. He said that you should wear a mask outside though to be looked up to when they are outside.
Howard said there was a guy out who gave them a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and he said that because they were wearing masks. Dr. Agus said that if you just walk by there's very little chance of getting it. He said if you stop and talk to someone there's more of a chance. He said they should be fine but just to be safe wearing a mask is good.
Beth told Dr. Agus about walking with her friend and how she takes her mask off with her. She said that there's very little chance of transferring. Dr. Agus said she's right. He said it's also where you walk. Robin asked if holding your breath works. Dr. Agus said that's cute but no it's not a good way to stop it.
Dr. Agus said that they can have a double vaxed couple over for dinner. Howard said that's not happening. He said he wishes that he would just tell Beth to wear a mask. Dr. Agus said he wears a mask out all the time. He said that Howard can do that to show leadership. He said that we should all be doing that.
Robin said we have not reached a point where enough people are vaccinated. Dr. Agus said that he and his wife wear masks when they go out to walk the dogs. Howard said he wants to be like Dr. Agus. Beth said she will walk with a mask until Dr. Agus says it's okay not to. She said that should be 2-3 weeks. Howard said that he wants to thank Dr. Agus for coming on the air. He said he likes what he said. He said he is his hero. He said he loves this guy so much. He said he can't say enough good about this guy. He let him go a short time later.
Howard said Beth's shorts are about to fall off and he wants to fuck so bad. Beth said she's losing weight like crazy. She said she's off sugar now and the weight is coming off. Howard said he's going to put this on the app. He said you have to see her outfit falling off of her. He said he pre ejaculated during that.
Howard took a call from fake Alex Jones who said he agrees with Beth on all of this. He said that she's 100 percent right about the mask thing and no one should be wearing a mask. He went into an add for some of his merch while talking about that.
Howard let Beth go and said he'll be wrapping up the show soon. He said he'll make it up to her after the show. Beth said they're going for a walk after. He smelled her armpit before she left. He said he loves that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Beth is going to kill him. She said that she has to talk to her. Howard said she left. Mariann said she has to wear a mask. Howard said she said she's going to. He said that she's right. He let her go.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she isn't bringing the show down but she lost her husband and she has to wear a mask. She said that people don't realize that this is droplets and you have to wear a mask. She said her husband was a physician and he's dead from COVID. She said everyone has to wear a mask. She said it's a little inconvenient but it's better than going to a grave.
Howard said that he doesn't want to walk around without a mask. He said if Beth won't do it too then he's in trouble. He said she could get it and give it to him. Robin asked why take the risks. Howard said thank you. Fred played Robin's music.
Howard said Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will be on Wednesday. He read more feedback about the shows before they went on vacation. He read some stuff about Jon Hein and the restaurant stuff they went over before vacation.
Howard said Gary revealed that he was close to opening a Vinyl pop up store. He had a clip but he wasn't able to find it. He eventually found it and played it. Gary was talking about how he wanted to open this store around the holidays. Howard said this makes him nuts because you'd think that he'd be too busy to open a store with the job he has. Gary said he didn't listen to the end of the clip where he said that.
Fred did his Gary impression and talked about how bad an idea that was. Howard said he puts all of his energy into this show. He said he doesn't do anything else. He said he's sure that Gelman isn't running any other business.
Howard said he wants to talk to other producers and ask if they have any side businesses. Gary said he wasn't going to work there at all. He said he was going to have Mary run it. Howard said it's her fantasy then. Gary said he didn't get that far into it. He said he didn't find a space or anything. He said it just seemed like a fun idea until it wasn't.
Howard said he's glad Gary decided against it. He said he did the right thing.
Howard read some feedback about their tribute to Joey Ramone. People were happy to hear that.
Gary told Howard that David Letterman's producer had a side job. Howard said he had a side job that was owned by Letterman. Gary asked if Howard wants to own the record store. Howard wasn't interested.
Howard kept naming busy people who had side jobs. They were all made up. Howard said there's a lot of guys with side jobs like that.
Howard kept goofing on Gary for a couple of minutes. He said even Sal knows not to do something like that. Gary said that's the guy who had the toaster oven show on the side. Howard said at least Gary didn't do it. He ended the show around 10:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how he sees a lot of people on the phone including Jeff the Drunk who had cataract surgery and now he can't see out of his left eye. He said he has to do the same eventually and he's freaked out by that. He said he almost doesn't want to pick up to hear about it. He said he's wondering what doctor he went to for that. He said probably someone up in Albany. He said that's not where the great doctors go.
Howard picked up and asked Jeff what happened. Jeff said about a year and a half ago he had the cataract taken out of his right eyeball. He said then they said the left one didn't have to be taken out. He said that he had the right one worked on and the left one hasn't been worked on yet. Howard said he thought that he can't see because of surgery. Jeff said he had the right eye done. Howard said they heard that.
Howard said he was sitting there bumming out thinking it was the surgery. He said it turns out he can't see because he needs surgery. Jeff said that's right. Howard asked why he's calling in about this. Jeff said he had a topic to talk about. Howard said alright and goofed on Jeff for mumbling out that line. Howard said he gets it and he's glad he picked up. He said he was told he has little baby cataracts. He said there's no point for Jeff to call in with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to hear Howard play guitar. He said he was wondering who he thinks are the three greatest rock riffs of all time. Howard said he has played guitar on the show and he has amazed people with how good he has been. He said he's not that good but it still amazes people.
Howard said he was thinking about the guitar riff thing the other day. He said there are a lot of great riffs. He said there are people who don't get recognized. He said maybe something like Deep Purple ''Smoke on the Water'' and everyone knows that. He said it's easy to point to that. He said Van Halen and Green Day have some iconic riffs. He said he was thinking about how back on the show very few people can do John Lennon any justice. He said when you hear one of his songs covered no one can do it justice. He said that the band Enuff Z'Nuff used to come on and they had a great lead singer. He said they loved the Beatles and he got to see them do it in a concert they did in a club. He said they were great. He said he was listening to them doing ''Jealous Guy'' and Donnie the lead singer was so great. He played their cover of that song. He said these are the guys they should be discussing. He said they didn't make it big. He let the song play for a bit.
Howard said he wants to tell the kids on American Idol that this guy is nowhere and they think they're going somewhere? He said he doesn't over sing it and he's great. He said this guy knows exactly what he's doing. He said the kids think they're going to be famous. He said this guy is great and he didn't make it big. Robin said the musicians are really good too. Howard said Chip has his McDonald's shift today. He said these guys were terrific. He said kids think they're going to be famous. He said this poor guy is folding clothes at Old Navy. Robin said he might be the manager now. Howard said maybe. He said he's such a talent. He said he thought they were going to be big. Robin said he tried as hard as he could. Howard said now you have the chills hearing that. Howard said this poor guy is pissing in a bottle between Amazon deliveries.
Fred played Richard Simmons laugh after all of that. Howard said his laugh was so great. He made some more jokes about where Donnie is today and Fred played more of that laugh.
Howard said he's not sure where any of those guys are now but he loves them. He said that was his point. He said that there are a lot of great rock riffs out there but they're easy to point out. The caller said that's the question. He said he wants to know if he can pick out a few. Howard said he's not a guitar player so he can just plunk on it a bit. Robin said obviously this guy wants to give his riffs. Howard asked him to name his. The caller, Kyle, said that Kashmir is one at number 3. Howard asked if he can tell them that he's a guitar player again. Kyle said Iron Man is at number 1. Howard said that's all wrong. Howard said there are so many other great riffs. He said Kyle isn't a real guitar player.
Howard said if he had any taste he would have said ''Welcome to the Jungle'' or something from Jimi Hendrix at number 1. Fred played little bits of some of those songs. Howard said this kid must smoke weed or he's on shrooms.
Howard said Iron Man is a good song but not like these. Howard said even Walk this Way is a classic riff. He said if the guy knew what he was talking about he'd know. Kyle asked if he has even heard Iron Man. Howard said of course he has. He said he's had Ozzy on the show many times.
Howard said even if he had picked Day Tripper as a great riff he'd be right. He played some of that. Howard said no more lists from Kyle. He said he isn't going to do this anymore. Kyle said he'd like to know what Fred has to say. Howard said he talked to Fred yesterday. He had more songs to play for Kyle that were better than his top riffs. Howard said Kyle has to go home and think more about that list.
Howard said even Hot for Teacher would be great. He said if you can play that then you're a great guitar player. He said this kid isn't even a guitar tech. Kyle said that he has been playing for 15 years. Howard said he's banning him from the show. He played some Van Halen ''Hot for Teacher.''
Howard said they should ask Steve Nowicki. He said Steve wants to play some Hot for Teacher. Howard got him on and had him play. Steve played the opening to Hot for Teacher. Howard said there you go. Robin said he didn't have to prepare. She said he just picked it up and played. Kyle said he could do that tomorrow. Howard said he knew it. Kyle said Howard should pick up and play. Howard said he can ask Steve what the three greatest rock riffs are and he could play them. Steve said yeah. He played some ''Smoke on the Water'' and Howard said at least he can play them.
Howard let Kyle go and said now he can go pretend to be a guitar player while he's in school. He asked if he's in Chicago. Kyle started to answer but Howard hung up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was thinking about George Lynch from Dokken. He said he's one who was never recognized. He said he's in his late 60s and still doing it. He said he had some decent riffs. Howard said how about Born to be Wild by Steppenwolf. He said that was a great riff. Howard said everything is getting him very upset this morning. He played some of that song.
Howard said what drives him nuts is when he looks at videos online and he has seen the Black Crowes play and Jimmy Page played with them. He said Jimmy loved the way Chris Robinson sang and it would have been great if they had been able to go out and do Led Zeppelin songs. He said it drives him nuts. He said that Queen has had a rebirth with Adam Lambert. He said they could have done the same with the Black Crowes. He said that he was watching them in 1999 and he watches that video like once a week. He said Chris sounds great and Jimmy sounds great. He played some of that performance. He asked why that had to end. He said it drives him crazy. He said people get into a good thing and they fuck it up. Robin said we have Earth and we're fucking that up. She said that's just what people do.
Howard said he really likes Maren Morris. He said she won an award recently. He said she's really good. He said he thought he could fuck her but then he saw her husband and figured there's no way. He played some of her song ''The Bones'' and said she wrote this about her marriage. He said she's really talented. He said he doesn't even think of her as country. He said that she's just a good song writer. He said he likes that other woman Brandi Carlile too. Robin had to help him out with her name.
Howard said he was listening to Lithium on SiriusXM. He said he almost called in with his pick for the greatest song they play. He said they were taking voicemails. He said he almost wanted to do that. He said he was thinking about it and setting up to do it. He said then he wondered what the best song is they play on the channel. He said he was wondering if they're trying to pick the best song or a list of the best songs. Robin said she heard a similar promotion on the metal channel. Howard said he was going to voicemail in and he thought that it might be kind of cool. He said then he figured they'd think he was an asshole for doing that when he has 2 of his own channels there.
Howard said he was never into Red Hot Chili Peppers but the more he hears them the more he gets into them. He said they did a cover of ''Love Rollercoaster'' and he loved that. He played the song and said they recorded this for the Beavis and Butt-Head movie. He said that movies was great. He played some of the original song by Ohio Players.
Howard said he listens to Lithium almost exclusively. He said he works out and listens to the channel.
Howard said Jon Hein had the list of songs they had on the list for Lithium. Jon ran down the huge list of songs. Howard went through some of them with Jon and picked his favorites out of that list.
Jon went through more songs and told Jon to just point to one song randomly. He picked Candlebox ''Far Behind'' and Howard did a quick talk up for that like he was sending in his voicemail message for the voting. Fred played some of that song.
Howard said this kid Kyle is back. Kyle said he wants to ask about his list of best sandwiches. He gave his list and Howard said this kid can't get it right. He said that the best is Tuna salad and then Egg salad. He said people don't know how to think on Family Feud. He said he knows how to do it. Howard said this guy is so wrong with the list. He said he banned him from making lists. Kyle said only for rock riffs. Howard said he knows this guy isn't a guitar player. He said a real guitar player will just play it. It wasn't the same Kyle on the phone.
Howard went into his impression of his parents talking about blow jobs and other stuff like that after he joked about how he'd come out to his parents if he were gay. He had his father asking what he does with the load and things like that.
Howard said he has George Takei on the phone to give his top song list. He took the call from fake George Takei who gave his favorite songs. He even sang a little bit. Howard said that is the gayest list ever for top 3 riffs.
Howard said they met Eve back in 2007 for the first time. He said he had her on a few times over the years. He said she would queef on command. He said that's a fart from the vagina. He said he has some examples of that. He played some clips of Eve doing her thing.
Howard said Robin must have been jealous of that. He said Debbie the Queefer was great but Eve was really a talent. He said that he's really sad about this. He said he's not sure what she died from. He said she learned to queef back in Junior High. He played a clip of Eve talking about how she learned to do it with a friend in school.
Howard said it's like hearing about Jimi Hendrix picking up a guitar for the first time. Robin said it's like if he had never met a friend and never picked up a guitar. She said Eve never would have learned to queef if this girl hadn't showed her.
Howard said they invented a new type of music with Eve called Queef Rap. He played a clip from the show where they had her doing her thing and Howard rapping along with the queefs.
Howard said Eve attempted to blow out a candle with her queefs. He said she said it was her first time trying it out on the show. He said that she didn't try it at home first. Howard played a clip from that show. She actually did it and blew out the candle.
Howard said what a show. Robin said she's not sure if she blew it out or something else. Howard said she blew it out. Robin said there were some juices flying. Howard said whatever it took she did it.
Howard said he was a big supporter of her talents. He said she even said she would bang him and that goes a long way with him. He played a clip from a segment where Eve talked about that with him. Howard said he wants to make queefing like a sport. Eve said that she'd fuck Howard 10 ways to Sunday.
Howard said one of the things he's most proud of is taking the stigma out of queefing. He said people do it without shame now. He said he wants to say to Eve and her family that they're going to miss her. He said she had a brilliant vagina. He said he was intimidated by her vagina when she said that she'd fuck him. He said he'd be afraid of being locked inside her for the rest of his life. He said he's sorry she's gone.
Howard played a song about Eve where they had some clips of her doing her thing. Howard said he calls on everyone to do a queef salute to Eve at 5 today.
Howard went to break after doing a live commercial read.
Howard came back and sang along with Love Shack a little bit. He said another death he needs to mention is Cousin Itt dying. He said the guy who played Cousin Itt is gone. He said he has some details about that. He said his name was Felix Silla. Howard said he loved the Addams Family and The Munsters. He said he's not sure he could pick one as his favorite. He said they were both so great. He said the cast was perfect on both. Robin said she thinks The Munsters would win by a hair. Howard said she might be saying that to be controversial.
Howard read about Felix Silla dying at the age of 84. He died of Pancreatic Cancer. He said that no one seems to make it after that. He said Michael Landon got it and didn't make it. He said no one can beat that.
Howard said he has a lot of information about Felix. He read some details about him and said that Wolfie annoyed the fuck out of him at a convention. He said that he asked questions that were dirty and Felix asked if they were questions for Howard Stern. Howard played some audio from that interview here Wolfie asked him some questions and Felix asked if it was for ''Stern that fucking guy...''
Howard said Felix is gone. He said he loved him even if he thought he was dirty. He said he didn't like Wolfie so much. He said that he might come back and haunt him.
Howard said his point is that he thought he was brilliant for talking about Fred yesterday. He said he clears his head when he rides his motorcycle and then collects his thoughts when he stops. Howard said people tell him he's mean for doing that. Fred asked if they're going into this again. Howard said he's sorry. He said every email is about fans being upset with him. Fred said it's Howard's opinion. He said that's what it comes down to. Howard said Fred is a true fan.
Howard said he has a bunch of turn coats on his side. He said that everyone else has fans that are their army. He said he wouldn't wish his fans on his worst enemy. He said he really wouldn't. He said he has to sit there and tell people how to be his fan.
Howard said he wonders if he busted Fred's balls too much. He said he has to think about that. Fred said that he's more upset with Robin about the way she was talking about him yesterday. He said she has things in her life that she does that don't make sense and she was goofing on him.
Howard asked about Robin learning to swim in her adult life. Robin said that she never learned young but her two younger brothers can swim like fish.
Howard said it's funny to see an adult learning to swim. Robin said it's one thing to learn in a pool but she had to learn in a bay.
The caller asked for an update on Jason's weight. Howard asked Jason how he's doing. Jason said very good actually. He said he's down 40 pounds. He said he was able to bend down and pick something up and his wife said 3 months ago he wouldn't be able to do that.
Howard said he's eating better now and has a lot more energy. He said that he's a big shot and thinks he knows best but he has a nutritionist now and he feels much better. He said it turns out he shouldn't have been telling people what to eat.
Howard talked about Oprah and what she tells her fans to do with food. He said that they hang on her every word. He said that when you see her you think you don't have to deny yourself anything. He said it's finding the person with the most difficulty with something and buying her book. Robin said she has failed at it over and over again. Howard said she insists on giving advice and Weight Watchers. He said maybe go to someone else. He said it's like a book on organizing by Benjy Bronk. Robin said how to be on work on time by Benjy.
Howard asked if you would buy a book on how to drive by Tiger Woods. Robin said she would not. Howard said that's what people are doing with that Oprah. He said he's the only one pointing it out. He said how about a book on public speaking by JD Harmeyer. Howard said how about a book on swimming by Robin Quivers. Robin said there you go. She said she'll write a book on drowning.
Howard said how about a book about how to have a family by OJ Simpson. Robin said the stock for Weight Watchers went up when she came on board. Howard said she hasn't lost any weight and they still think she can do it. Robin said they changed the name and don't call it Weight Watchers anymore. She said it's just WW.
Howard said it's quite remarkable. He said you wonder who would take advice from her. Howard said he just heard there's a book about how to pick up women by Richard Simmons. He said there's a book about skiing by Sonny Bono too.
Howard said Beth was on the air yesterday and he was upset about the mask thing. He said the CDC is saying when you're outside you don't have to wear one. He said where he lives people walk right on top of him. He said he knows it's not permanent but right now he's going to wear a mask when he walks. Robin asked if they can walk somewhere else. Howard said they enjoy it where they walk. Robin said they have to be able to find somewhere else to walk. Howard said yesterday Beth wore it when people walked by so he thanked her for that.
Robin said Beth said when they say they don't have to wear one outside she's not going to wear it. Howard said they had an agreement about it and she's going to wear it for now. He asked what the big deal is. He said since he's been wearing masks he hasn't had a cold. He said he doesn't think a mask is a bad idea. He said that there's other shit floating around in the air. He said he'll wear a mask a little longer. He said he likes it. He said he gets some anonymity with it.
Howard said he doesn't want the mask to go away. He said he doesn't mind wearing it. He said the vaccine is great but don't trick yourself into thinking you can't get sick. He said people have still died from it even after the vaccine. Robin said we're never going to get to herd immunity. Howard said in West Virginia they're offering $100 to people to get the vaccine. He said it's ridiculous that they have to do that.
Howard said his only complaint about the mask is they're not big enough to cover his entire face. The caller said that he has to stop saying that. Howard said he saw a guy out working on a lawn and he had a full mask on like a Bee keeper helmet. Howard said he told his wife that guy knows how to live.
Howard said it's weird being married to Beth. He said he took her on vacation a few years into dating her and they were in Anguilla or somewhere like that. He said Beth worked out there and said the guy who was in the gym was really nice helping her out. He said one day he was walking with her and this guy yells out ''Miss Pretty!'' to her. Howard said it was the guy from the gym. He said the guy was calling her that while he's standing next to her. He said it's unbelievable.
Howard said one day they were walking and this woman would wave to them. He said one day Beth wasn't with him and he's walking and this lady asks him where Beth is. He said she was Italian and had a heavy accent. He said she was asking where Belisima was at. He said that's Miss Pretty in Italian. He said he went home and told Beth that story. He said Beth has no concept of how horrible it is to be ugly. Robin said forget ugly, just regular. Howard asked if you can imagine that.
Howard said they didn't see the old lady for a while. He said Beth went to knock on her door to see if she was okay. He said Beth has had that all her life though. He said she doesn't know what it's like. He said he has to be on his best behavior. He said she couple leave him. He said he doesn't push the mask thing too hard with her. He said he's pussy whipped. He said that Beth was the homecoming queen in high school. He said he didn't even know they had that in high school.
Howard said Beth was telling him these stories from school. He said he was busy getting beaten up. He said he got he same attention in a way. He said one day they had Taylor Swift up there at Sirius and they were throwing rose petals at her. Howard said he never went to his school prom. He said he went to work instead of going to prom. He said he was voted ''Most punchable'' in his year book.
Howard said Beth was telling him about going to college and she did 3 years there. He said she made money modeling so she gave up on that. Howard said she said it was a wonderful experience going to college. Howard said everything was horrible for him. He said he had no friends in high school. He said he had one. He said that was Dr. Lou. He said that he had to be friends with Lou's friends.
Howard said Beth went to college and everyone wanted her to be part of their sorority. He said that she was recruited for a bunch of sororities. Howard said the Tri-Delts wanted her and some of the lesser sororities wanted her too. He said they want the good looking girls to attract the guys. He said Beth didn't have to try out. He said they just wanted her in. He said she joined the Tri-Delts because they had the best action. He said she's had a completely different life than he has. Robin said they do say that opposites attract.
Howard said he goes out of his mind thinking about that. He said Beth likes him and he's like ''Okay!''
Howard said people in college put garlic on the door when they see him coming. He said it's horrible. He said he goes crazy from these stories. He said he asked Beth not to come back in another life because her life couldn't be any better. He said you don't want to come back ugly.
Fred said there are other motorcyclists who have been on the show and they all talk about clearing their minds. He said if it was a celebrity Howard would be hanging on ever word.
The caller asked about a certain pen that Howard has. Howard said he loves this Lamy 2000 pen. He said he had to learn how to fill it from Brian Goulet but now he knows and it works great. He said he has to thank Brian for helping him out with that.
The caller asked if he ever uses a ball point pen. Howard said he does when he takes notes rapidly. He said he grabbed whatever was handy. He said most of the time he writes with the fountain pen. He said pretty much every day he writes 6-8 pages and he will use it on the air if he likes it. He said it helps him because he finds it more fun to write with. He said that's helpful when he writes.
The caller thanked Howard for that. Robin asked how long the pen will last with the ink. Howard said you can get like 43 pages out of a fill. Howard said the Twisby pen is a great one to write with. He said it's just $60. He said he has a bunch of those. He said they write really well. The caller thanked Howard for that and said he's been sick for a few weeks and he's been listening to the show and it helped him get through it.
Robin said they say you can get a decent pen at any price point. Howard said there are some really good disposable fountain pens that are good. He said he's doing good with his pens. He said that the cool thing is getting the different inks. He said you have to clean them out and fill them with other inks. He said it's a bit of work. He said that he kind of digs it. He said it seems like most of the people doing this are women. He said that makes sense though. He said he likes stuff that women like. Robin said he's almost a Brony. Howard said no, no, no...
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a huge fan of all of them but he's a huge fan of Fred's. Howard asked what's going on there. He said a lot of people are fans of Fred. Fred said he thinks that they just want to tweak Howard. Howard said he thinks he's right. Fred said Jimmy Kimmel isn't calling him. He said that means he's not that interesting. Howard said Leslie West used to call Fred. He said he's gone now so no one calls Fred. Howard said he likes calling other famous people because it makes you feel even more famous.
The caller asked what kind of bike Fred rides. Howard said he thinks it's a Triumph. Fred said he's right. Fred said it's a 2001 Thunderbird. Robin said she thought he was a ''Dugati'' man. Fred said they're too small for him. Howard asked what the caller rides. The caller said he had a Vincent Black Shadow but now he has a Harley. Howard said Fred has very manly hobbies. Fred said he's bringing his bike in for work tomorrow. He said that he loves Norman Reedus' show ''Ride'' and it inspires him to want to do that. He said he doesn't want to get too old before he can take a ride across America.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they were talking about the charmed life that Beth has. He said he used to do trade shows and when you want anything at those shows you use local services. He said they had a receptionist show up that was like a 12. He said she was magnificent. He said after the first day he saw that she had different products there. He said it turns out people were just giving her stuff. He said it was amazing. Howard said Beth used to tell him about stuff like that. He said she'd get free magazines from the magazine guy and things like that. The caller said it reminded him of when Eddie Murphy did a sketch on Saturday Night Live when he was dressed up like a white guy and all the white people just got free stuff.
Howard said Beth told him a story about Beth being asked to fly a plane when the pilot asked her to come into the cockpit. He said she flew the plane. He said that's how crazy her life is. He said the guy just wanted her in his lap. Howard said they could have crashed. Howard said he doesn't know what that life is like.
Howard said he has Jeff Goldblum on the phone for Fred. Howard took the call from fake Jeff who was saying he wants to go out with Fred and stare at the ocean. He said they can compare their foreskins together. Howard said he might be lowering his status in Hollywood if he goes out with Fred. Jeff said that he'd like to ride with Fred and bump up and down with him as they ride across America. Howard thanked Jeff for the call and let him go.
Howard said the Oscars were so boring that he thinks they'll go overboard and make them more fun next year. He said they'll get Eric Andre or someone like that. He said they'll have like 55 million viewers. He said everyone will be nude and no more dresses or anything like that.
Howard said he has something there that will drive you insane. He said with COVID there was this stimulus check to pay for food and clothing. He said the check went out and they asked the Wack Pack what they were doing with their checks. He said they have to qualify for the check with an adjusted income of $75,000 or below. He said that they don't check into it.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to Wendy the slow Adult about what she did with her money. She said that she bought herself a booklet of lottery tickets with all of the money. She spent $1,400 and won $500. Wendy said that it's good enough for her.
Howard said Wendy wasn't the only one who spent their money on lottery tickets. Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to Jeff the Vomit Guy about spending his stimulus on lottery tickets too. Jeff said that you have to be in it to win it. Jeff said he won nothing from that.
Howard said people are such suckers. He said only people who have no money spend money on lottery tickets. Howard said Jeff said that he has spent maybe $250,000 on lotto tickets in the past 30 years. He said that Wendy said she lost the other $500 on lottery tickets too.
Howard said Ham Hands Bill was more responsible with his money. He had a clip of Bill talking about how he spent it on rent and utilities. He said he bought some panties for a girl who wants to see him when the pandemic is over. Howard said at least Bill spent it on rent.
Howard said Tan Mom hasn't gotten her check yet but she has big plans. He had some audio of her talking about the work she wants to get done to her face and get a tanning bed. Howard said he can't think of a more worthless thing than a tanning bed.
Howard said Ass Napkin Ed knows how to spend his money. Howard played a clip where Ed said he bought some lottery tickets and a moped. He said he wants to get some fast food and booze and a mobile home. He said that they have mobile homes that are like $1,300. He said he likes to get rub and tugs too.
Howard did his impression of Ed and said he loves his voice. He said he's almost like that old actor Peter Lorre. Howard said it drives him nuts. He said that accent is interesting. He said it sounds like it's Chicago or something. Howard did more of the impression and had Ed talking about the rub and tug he got from some girls who were desperate for some money.
Howard said they say here that Ed is in upstate New York. He said he's in Buffalo. He did more of his impression of Ed talking about the desperate girls. He was going on and on with details of what the interaction was like with the girls. He had Ed talking about what he did with the girls like pissing on them for flashlight batteries.
Howard had Ed talking about how he was with a really hot girl once and it was just once. He said the girl asked for a gallon of expired milk and she blew him for that.
Howard pointed out that Ed whispers all the time. He said that he has a weird delivery. He said Ed first called the show in 2007. He said he's one of the great characters on the show. He said he got his name because he keeps a napkin in his ass to soak up the shit he always has back there. He played some audio from the first time he called into the show. In the clip Ed told them about his ''ass rag'' and how it stays there during the day. Howard said when he called in he was like ''Instant wack packer.''
Howard had some audio of Wolfie talking to Ed about what's up with him lately. Ed said he has pinworms and he thinks he got that from taking a bath after someone else and using that towel. Ed said he thought they were maggots at first but they turn into flies.
Howard said Ed also told Wolfie that he thinks he may have gotten the worms from eating bad steak. Robin asked how bad a steak could be that he ate it like that. Howard said you'd think you'd go to the doctor immediately if you had that going on in your asshole. Howard said he likes that it was the good outcome he was waiting for. He said they should send an exterminator over there to get rid of them.
Howard said Ed told Wolfie that two women showed up to his apartment and ran away when they saw him. Howard got Wolfie on to ask about that. Wolfie said that Ed said two women showed up and he has a bathroom that's just a bucket and pink walls with Disney characters on the wall. He said the women saw that and ran out. He said he somehow convinced them to come up to his apartment. He said that was it. Howard said imagine they blow him and see worms coming out of his asshole. He said here was a joke about that. He told the joke as he heard it. He said he's the worst at telling those kind of jokes.
Wolfie said the streak story was about a steak in a defrosted freezer and Ed ate it. Robin said it seems like Ed is living in a world where everything has fallen apart.
Howard asked Wolfie if his mind is blown when he hears stories like that. Wolfie said he has spoken to a lot of people but this stuff is gold. Howard said he thinks Ed lives in a building where there's one bathroom. Wolfie said he's not sure how he scrapes by but he's able to do it somehow. Howard said even Jeff the Drunk has his own trailer. He said he's renovating it. He said he put in a Toto toilet or something. He said he's living some kind of life.
Howard said Ed is planning on moving to Florida. He said you have to hear this. He said Ed wants to avoid taxes or something. He said that they saw this as a way to prank Ed. He said they put him on the phone with a prospective roommate. He said they told Ed that this was Ass Napkin Chris. He said Chris Wilding does a great impression of Ed. He said they bonded over their ass issues. Howard played the clip of Chris talking to Ed. Howard said the two were bonding over this stuff. He said that Ed got excited and thought he'd have a roommate in Florida.
Howard said Ass Napkin Chris convinced Ed that he has the same worm problem but it's even worse. He played a clip of Chris asking if Ed had ever tried to hear the worms in his ass. Ed said he had never done that. Chris had a sound of the worms making noise in his ass. He had them eating a grape out of his hand. Ed said that sounds like a tapeworm or a snake or something. He said it must be like the size of a ramen noodle.
Howard said it takes a lot to impress Ed with the worms thing. Howard played another clip of Chris talking about his snake worms and how maybe his worms could eat Ed's worms. He said they could go ass to ass but not in a gay way but in a medical way. Ed said he could eat a ton of beans and fart into his ass and smoke them out. Ed said he's itchy as fuck. Chris asked to hear him scratching his ass. Ed said he's finished. He said he has to see what's on the brush. He smelled it and said it smells like shit. Howard said these two went at it for a while. He said he should play the whole call.
Wolfie said this conversation went on for over an hour. Howard said they should play that as a special. He said it was really good. He said he's heard longer versions of it and it was never slow. Howard went into his impression of Ed again and said they can play it over and over again and just have Ass Napkin 100 for a day.
Howard said send in your vote if you want to hear that as a special. He said he'll give you a teaser while you vote. He said at one point Ed starts blow drying his asshole because it was so itchy. Howard asked if he's telling the truth. Wolfie said absolutely. He said you hear the blow dryer at full steam and it was insane. Howard said they should play the whole conversation.
Howard asked if Ed said he burned his ass with the blow dryer. Wolfie said he did. He said he had it on high heat too close to his asshole. Howard did his impression of Ed and had him talking about all of that.
Wolfie said Ed thinks he's had these worms for 30 years now. Howard wondered why he doesn't go to a doctor for all of this.
Howard said he has to complement Chris on this. He said he had him going for like an hour there. Chris said that was fun. He was doing his Ass Napkin Chris voice. Howard did his Ass Napkin Ed voice and talked to Chris about the ass worm thing. They were naming their worms. Chris said he thinks he had a tadpole in there and now it's a frog. Howard's Ed said he has so many worms in his ass that he got a group discount at the movies. They were going back and forth with worm discussions. Howard did a deep voice for his talking worm voice. Chris said his worm sounds like Barry White. Robin was cracking up over all of that.
Howard said good job on all of that Chris. He asked if he thinks that would hold up over an hour long special. Chris said he is kind of biased but he thinks it would. Howard asked Robin if she would listen to that. Robin said she would. Chris said that Ed talked about what his cum tastes like and things like that. He said it tastes like mushroom soup. Chris said he told him that his tastes like broccoli soup. He said they talked about trying each other's cum but that was too gay. Ass Napkin Howard said that his tastes like sea water.
Howard took a call from Mike from Maine who was talking to someone else so Howard bailed on the call.
Howard said on a more positive note... He went into a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and sang along with ''All the Young Dudes'' a little bit. He said he thought the lyric was ''carry the nudes.'' He said the original thing that David Bowie did was sent them Suffragette city and they turned it down.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked about how he gets started with his art. Howard said there is constant doubt when you take up art if something is good enough. He said he had a great teacher who taught him well. He said that's what you need to do. He said that everyone who said they were self taught is lying. He said everyone was mentored by someone. Robin asked about he first one. Howard said that was a cave painter. He said no one knew what they were doing back then. Howard said take a great painter like Andrew Wyeth. He said he had a facility and a methodology for what he was doing. He said there's a way to do it. He said his mentor explained all of this to him and he learned how to do it. He said that he didn't know the methodology.
Howard said he went to a guy to learn to paint and he was a very successful guy. He said he was very arrogant. He said that he told him not to go to art school or anything. He said he looked up the guy and found out he went to art school. He said they're all full of shit. He said it's like learning guitar. He said you have to find a good teacher.
Howard said you have to push through the negativity. He said he had to do that with radio. He said if you heard early tapes of him you'd never bank on him. He said he did production and he made himself the best. He said it took him years to get to that point. He said he wanted to be good on radio. He said he spent endless hours on radio. He said he had to do it over and over again.
Howard said when it came to painting his teacher told him he's the most dedicated. He said don't get down on yourself. He said that you have to stick with it.
The caller asked where his inspiration comes from when he sits down in front of a blank piece of paper. Howard said one of the things he suggests is buying the books of the masters. He said they didn't invent all of this shit. He said he bought books by many painters and saw what they were doing. He told her to get some books by these artists and you see how they drew things. He said this is how he was taught. He said get a book with art from Fragonard. He said he also studied photography and he would shoot pictures of things that inspired him. He said he'd draw those photos.
Howard said he started a new painting last night. He said he's trying to draw two pieces of wood sticking up out of the sand. He said it was really hard. He said he forced himself to sit there until he got it right. He said he was calling himself names. He said you don't have fun if you want to be great at something.
Howard said if you want to be ordinary and just get through life there's no problem there. He said there's a joy in that too. He said anyone who works he admires. He said if you want to be great at something you have to stop the notion that you're going to enjoy yourself. Robin said Jerry Seinfeld said he loves the process. Howard said she hasn't spoken to him off the air. He said he has had dinner with him off the air. He said he isn't having that good a time. He said he doesn't know it.
Howard said what you have to do if you want to paint is to just do it. He said get a good teacher. He said if you see something great from a teacher, that's your teacher. Howard said Tom Morello is a great looking dude and he just practiced guitar for 7 hours a day. He said that's how he got to be great. Howard said every time he starts anew painting it's not easy.
Robin asked if he sees Eddie Van Halen enjoying himself on stage. Howard said to a degree. He said he was an alcoholic so he wasn't enjoying life. He said he wasn't a happy guy.
Howard said he just finished this drawing. He showed it to Robin. He said this is the one he just finished. He said it's a landscape just finished. Robin said it's a little small and light but she can see something there. She said she can't make out the detail. Howard said it wasn't easy for him. He said he can send it to her by text. Robin said she may not have her phones in there today. Howard said she doesn't need to see it.
Howard said spell the first four letters of paint. She said ''pain.'' Howard said that's what it is. He wished her good luck with her painting. He let her go a short time later.
Robin said there are people who enjoy what they do. She said that Tiger Woods and Paul McCartney are enjoying their work. Howard said people think he is too.
Howard said King of All Blacks called in about Ronnie and his house too. Howard said he kind of agrees with King about staging the house. Howard read some feedback about that. A lot of people agreed with King about the staging of the house.
Howard said he loves that people don't like Apples. He said Ronnie doesn't like him because he's reporting on photos that they're posting publicly. He said he's getting upset about that.
Howard said they played a special about Gary and Sal's fuck ups while they were away on vacation. Howard said they asked a Human Resources person from a fortune 500 company about which was the worst offense. Howard played a clip and the woman said that getting caught masturbating is worse than falling asleep at work. The woman said that falling asleep could be a health issue or something where masturbation isn't.
Howard said they asked if it's a fireable offense if you fall asleep. Howard played the woman's answer and she said not the first time. She said if someone got caught masturbating that would lead to termination on the first offense. She said here is on positive intent there and it's just gross.
Howard said last week Sal was a guest on the Wrap Up Show and he said that Gary was being ''disingenuine.'' Howard played a clip of Sal fucking up that word. Howard asked why he'd use that word. Sal said it was close. Robin said it doesn't bother Sal when he does that. Robin said you'd have to care about it to be good at something like that. She said Sal doesn't care. Sal said he disagrees with her. Howard said he likes what Robin said about him. He said that if he cared he could improve. Sal said he does care. He said he just doesn't know when to shut his mouth.
Howard said how about that Fortune 500 woman. Sal said she lost all credibility when she started cursing.
Sal said that Gary should be held to a higher standard than he is because he's the Executive Producer of the show. He asked Robin if she would rather have a pilot flying her plane and falling asleep or jerking off. Howard said good point.
Howard said that woman didn't know that Sal's contribution to the show is shoving his foreskin into his ass and things like that. He said he'd have to explain that to her.
Howard said he had a red cardinal fly by the other day on his walk and he told Beth about what Sal has said about them being a sign. He said that she didn't get it. He said she was baffled by the whole thing. Howard said it's a sign that birds exist.
Howard said Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will be on the show tomorrow. He wrapped up the show and ended it around 10:15am.
Howard started the show talking about Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and one of the jokes they played in the intro. He mentioned taking a dump and how that's from taking Metamucil. He said he turned Jimmy Kimmel on to that. He said he told Jimmy to get a Toto toilet too. He said he told him how incredible it is. He said he told him he was using baby wipes before that and he thinks he went too far with that.
Howard said he was just talking to Gary about ''Karens'' before the show. He asked Gary to define what that is. Gary said it's a white, middle aged woman who thinks her opinion is the most important in the room. He said they think they don't have to wear masks and they are just entitled people who think they don't have to hear what other people have to say.
Howard said that's what he was thinking this Demi Lovato is. He said she went to a frozen yogurt store and got on one of the social media platforms and went on a rant about them having sugar free yogurt there. He said she was an anorexic and she went off on the shop and had to apologize for that. He said this place was family run and you have to sell a lot to pay your mortgage. He said she was on there talking about this sugar free option.
Howard said he doesn't get what she was so upset about. Robin said she thinks that everything has to be fixed for her. Howard read an article about Demi's rant and what it was that set her off. Howard said the world isn't set up for just you. He asked what kind of parenting it was that led to that. Robin said it's like people who think you should known their pronoun before you even meet them.
Howard said he was working in Detroit and he'd be in like 12 feet of snow and getting to work at 6. He said he had no time to think about sugar free yogurt.
Howard played a clip of Demi Lovato's rant about the yogurt. She was going on about how it didn't sit right with her and she stood up for what she thought she should.
Howard said it's like the right wing media going after Biden for trying to take away your red meat. He said they were making this stuff up about him because he's trying to clean up the climate. Howard had a clip of one of these guys talking about this fake story. They were making it seem like you won't be able to have a burger on the 4th of July.
Howard said it came out that it was a totally made up story and it had nothing to do with this. He said they had to retract the story. He said it gets lost. Howard played a clip where they retracted that story. The newscaster blamed the script.
Howard said this world has gone nuts. He did an impression of that newscaster making up stories. He said they just write lies and bullshit and people believe it. Robin said these people go to work every day and it doesn't even phase them. Howard said there's some initiative to clean up the planet and it seems pretty great to him.
Howard said this Demi Lovato thing is out there too. He asked if she really cares about sugar in her yogurt. Howard asked Gary if she is a Karen. Gary said she is. He said Karens will go on social media to tell people what's wrong with something they're not even involved with. He said she had this thought and then she told the whole world. He said sometimes you have to wait to put it out there.
Howard said Demi claims she will work with FroYo shop to get the messaging right. He had a clip of her talking about that on a social media post.
Howard said he just wishes this girl grew up where he grew up. He said she'd never feel safe. He played more of the clip where she was talking about people with eating disorders feeling safe wherever they go.
Robin said she's sure this is at the top of the list in Afghanistan. She said they don't even have frozen yogurt there. Howard said you hear stories about going there and he can understand why things over there might trigger you.
Howard asked if every restaurant should stop serving alcohol because there are alcoholics out there. Howard said he knew a guy who was an alcoholic and he asked his family not to drink around him. Howard said he told this person that it seems to him that there's going to be a lot of alcohol out there and you're going to have to learn to deal with it. He said the person said to him that he was right. He said he had to toughen up.
Howard said he's not sure what's so triggering about sugar free yogurt. Robin said she thinks that the messaging for her is that there's something wrong with eating frozen yogurt if you have body issues. Howard said no offense but how about not eating frozen yogurt. Robin said now Howard is going to get in trouble. Howard said he doesn't eat that shit. Gary said they invented it to cut back on the calories. Howard said it's actually the same calories. Gary said they put candy on top of it after saving the calories on the yogurt.
Howard asked if she's the definition of a Karen. Gary said she is. He said he's obsessed with Karens. He said he scours the internet for this stuff.
Howard read the definition for a Karen from Dictionairy.com. He had Gary play some clips of some Karens that he found on the internet. Gary said this woman was at a dock and she was freaking out about a boat being in the wrong slot. She was screaming at the guy for being in the wrong slot even though the slot wasn't taken.
Gary said he's not sure why she cares what's going on next to her. Howard said he loves how she goes into that screaming with no warning. He said in a way they must be so used to getting their way. Robin said it's like a 2 year old tantruming. Howard said he doesn't remember his daughters doing that. He said they would whine a little but not screech.
Howard said that was a good one. He asked Gary what he has next. Gary said this is at a Lakers game and this 25 year old model gave Lebron James shit and she got thrown out. He said this is her explaining how she was the victim. Howard said this woman was super hot. He said he saw this. Howard played the clip of the woman screaming at Lebron and then getting kicked out. Then she said that Lebron looked at her husband and cussed him out so she screamed at him. She said she paid for those tickets so this isn't fair. Then she was explaining why she's not a gold digger.
Howard said his dick shriveled up when he saw that video. He said just keep quiet and watch the game. Robin said you're supposed to watch the game and not get into it. Howard said she thinks because she's hot she should be involved. Gary said she got a lot of backlash and deleted her Instagram account and went private.
Howard asked Gary what else he has. Gary said this woman was a driver for DoorDash and she gets to this guy's house and she's not happy with her tip. He said this is the exchange they had. Howard played the clip and the woman was complaining about the tip and saying a 12 mile trip was a 40 minute drive. She said she was taking the food back. Gary said the bill was like 30 bucks and the tip was $8. Howard said he thought you never had to deal with the driver with a service like that.
Howard asked what else Gary has. Gary said this woman was removed from her kid's school and she explained why. Howard played the clip and this woman said she got a no trespass order from the school. Howard said stop right there. He said she's somehow going to justify this. He asked what these people do. Gary said this was on Facebook so you can go live. The woman went off on the principal and said she just broke her fucking bracelet because she's so angry. She was raging about this thing and saying she was going to sue for serving it in front of her son. She said that there was a sheriff there putting his hands on her in front of her baby. She said this woman has to get off of her fucking Facebook.
Howard said he was talking to a guy who was a school shooter who thought that she was too crazy. Gary said she later said she wasn't on her meds when she made this video. He said she didn't say she was wrong but she said she wasn't on her meds.
Howard asked why she was at school and the sheriff had to take her away. Gary said he didn't know the whole story.
Howard said in 2019 that woman appeared on Dr. Phil after leading police on a chase in South Dakota. He asked what's wrong with people. Robin said he did say yesterday that we have rampant mental illness in this country.
Gary said his mother used to go on rants like that. He said she once hit a woman in the head with a Converse sneaker in a store. He said they had to drag her out of the store. Howard asked if this is why Gary is obsessed with Karens. Gary said maybe it is.
Howard said Gary's mom called his mom once to complain about him making fun of her son. He said that Gary told her she didn't need to do that for him. Howard said Gary's mother would be huge on social media today if she was around. He said she would have been fucking huge. He said she'd be bigger than Joe Rogan.
Gary said that this woman had called security and was curled in a corner hiding from his mother. He said that before they came to get her his mother said they were done and leaving. Howard asked what she was upset about. Gary said it was the credit card not working. He said it was in his father's name so they said they can't use it. He said that made her nuts.
Howard said she could have had 20 million followers. Gary said she would have wanted that too so it wouldn't have been good.
Gary said he got some audio of his mother freaking out and she was very dismissive of it when he played it back for her. Howard asked if he still has the tape. Gary said he wishes he did but no. Howard said he would make tapes in his room when he was a kid. He said he should have taped his parents instead. He said that if Gary had taped it he could have had some bat shit crazy stuff on tape. He said he's not saying anything out of place. Gary said he was so sure that when he replayed that tape for his mom that she would hear it and say she had to get help.
Howard said Beth tapes him when he snores. He said they read that if you play it back for a person they will never snore again. He said he still snores though.
Howard said Gary's mom was ahead of her time. He said if she was alive now she'd have a show on FOX News. Gary said all of the trauma in his life was from when his mom was off her meds. He said you never knew when things were going to go bad. He said when she went off he hoped she'd stay in the box they lived in. He said they did a school trip once and she offered to be the parent on the trip. He said two things happened that day that scarred him for life. He said they had 7 busses going into the city. He said they were all waiting to go and they were waiting for his mom to show up. He said she held up the whole thing for 20 minutes. He said the other thing that happened was his mother chasing misbehaving kids with her shoe. He said when he went back to school the kids were asking what was wrong with her. He said this was in 5th grade and that's the last thing you want at that age.
Gary said the biggest thing was issues they had with their neighbor and his mother would fight with her. He said this woman gave her the finger and his mother got so enraged that she ended up pulling out the woman's plants. He said the woman came out and his mother started hitting her with the roots of the plants. He said the police were called and she ended up in the back of a police cruiser. He said the entire neighborhood came out and saw her in the police car.
Howard asked why mentally ill people refuse to take their medication. Gary said this wasn't her problem. He said she self medicated. He said that she'd take medication if she felt certain ways. He said that she would take the amounts she thought she should. Robin said that's what people were doing. She said she was the first person to do a lot of things. Howard said she'd be a huge star on Real Housewives.
Howard said Gary lived with the ultimate Karen. He said it's no wonder he's obsessed with them. He said he thinks that his dad saved Gary and his brothers from her by telling them that she was sick in the head and it wasn't their fault. He said Gary's dad left her a few times. Gary said he tried to keep his mom hidden from Mary for a long time. He said that he ended up getting to the phone first and all of that. He said one day he came home from work and Mary was white as a ghost. He said that his mom ended up getting a hold of her one day and went off on her. He said that it could have been any number of things that they didn't know they were doing.
Howard said some women will look at the mother and think the son is nuts too. He said he's not going to goof on Gary for listening to vinyl anymore. He said that's his escape. Robin said take a nap at work any time he wants. Howard said go to sleep right now. Gary said he's exhausted from telling those stories all at once on the air. He said he's never done that before.
Howard said Gary's mother became really pleasant late in life. Gary said she had a brain injury from a car accident. He said she was so nice. He said the last 10 years of her life were completely different. He said his wife wondered where this woman was all that time. He said he remembers that it was the first year she was in the nursing home and he went to see her. He said she asked where he was and he said he went to a parade. He said she said she likes parades and hoped he had a nice time. He said that should have led to a fight.
Howard said it's too bad she didn't just get into an accident 40 years ago. He said that seems like a Marvel story. Robins said there is a phenomenon when people have a hit on their head and have a brain injury that another personality can emerge. She said that once when she was a nurse this guy was recovering from a brain injury and he would pull up a stool and give a stand up comedy routine that was brilliant. She said when he recovered he had no recollection of it and he was very shy and never would be in front of an audience. She said it was crazy.
Howard said he remembers watching that show ''That's Incredible'' and they had a guy on the show who had a brain tumor and he was able to do things that he wasn't able to do before like speak different languages.
Gary said the most twisted thing was that he got the mom he wanted but he kind of missed the old mom. He said it just wasn't her anymore. He said he didn't miss the old mom all the time but it really took away a lot of her personality.
Howard said it's like the Kennedy's getting Rosemary Kennedy that lobotomy. He went into his Kennedy voice talking about how they went too far with that. Howard said the Kennedy's tried to do a Mrs. Dell'Abate on her.
Gary said there were stretches of time when his mom wasn't so bad. He said that you never knew when it was going to change though. Howard said it's like a Jack in the Box. He said you never knew when that fucker was going to pop up. Gary said she had a run of 5 years where she was great. He said he thinks she had a chemical imbalance and the meds didn't help.
Howard said if his mother did what Gary's did with the shoe, he'd freak out. He said that would be a curse. He said poor Gary.
Gary said he has another story. He said they got a baby sitter for their son who was about a year old. He said they had a 15 year old neighbor babysitting. He said they got a call from the babysitter's dad who called to let him know that his mom called and threatened to kill herself. He said they get there and the babysitter is white as a ghost. He said it turns out she left a message on the machine and the girl heard the message. Gary said they let the babysitter go home and listened to the message. He said she was screaming crying but this was something they were used to. He said the kid didn't know that this was a regular thing.
Howard said his mom used to do the ''I'm going to kill myself'' thing too. He said it was an empty threat.
Howard said Gary's dad got the divorce and then he went back to the mom and lived with her. Gary said it was a couple of years. Howard said Gary's dad was living with 3 other guys in the basement of a house with 3 other guys. He said he figured going home was better than staying there. Gary said his dad was in a house on Long Island and there was this one room available. He said the house was completely empty other than one chair and a snack tray. He said that guy's wife took it all and that's all he had left. Gary said his dad asked for a hot plate for Christmas that year. He said it was so sad.
Howard asked how they got along at the end. Gary said he tried to get an answer from his dad but he never really said. He said he went down to Florida and they lived together for a couple of years. He said he asked if they were a couple and his dad didn't know. He said they had different rooms in their own trailer down there in Florida. He said it looked like a pretty decent place but they had separate bedrooms.
Gary said at the end he would go there and his mother would make food that his dad didn't like. He said they were always bickering. He said his dad wanted to come home to die at home. He said his mom held his hand and said it was time to go. She said it was time to be with Steven. She leaned into him and he told her to shut up.
Gary said they got divorced after 43 years of marriage. He said that he figured they were going to ride it out. He said then his dad moved out.
Howard said they should get back to Karens before Gary starts to cry. Gary got back to that and had a clip of a racist Karen. He said she was yelling at a worker whose truck was blocking her driveway. Howard played the clip and the woman was throwing the N-word around like crazy.
Howard said they tantrum so much. He said they go from zero to sixty. Robin said she likes how they know the law about using the N-word.
Gary said this goes viral and the local news asks her about it and she doubles down. Howard played that clip next. The woman said there's nothing illegal about saying it and she had reasons to be racist. She didn't care if people were upset and she doesn't care if she's called racist. Robin said she is racist so she doesn't care about that.
Howard asked if he has more. Gary said he does. He said this is the SoHo Karen who stayed in a hotel in SoHo and she couldn't find her phone so she blamed it on a 14 year old black kid she saw. Howard said he saw this. He played the clip and the woman was freaking out about her phone going missing and they told her to us Find My iPhone to find it. Howard said they could have just called the number to see if it rang. Gary said if they had done that they would have found out it was in the back of an Uber she took. Howard said she got a bunch of felony charges for this whole thing.
Gary said this woman was all over the news so she went to talk to Gayle King and that didn't go very well. Howard played that clip and the woman said that she wanted a real interview after being asked the same question twice.
Robin mentioned that the show A Current Affair is still on and its hosted by Deborah Norville. Howard said he saw her at Joan Rivers' funeral. He said that Cindy Adams was killing at that funeral. He said it was really something. He said that he wanted to open at the funeral and went to Melissa Rivers to ask if he could go first. He said it was like a roast. He said he thought he had some funny stuff to do. He said it was kind of moving and he thought his shit was pretty good. He said he knew he was going to get some laughs. He said Deborah Norville was really good there too. He said then Cindy gets up and she looked like she was half out of it but she was doing a full blown monologue. Howard said they had stories and anecdotes.
Howard said Joan used to be on the show all the time. He said he would get hate mail about it but he loved her on the show. He said Jimmy Kimmel came up with a good name for his fans. He said they should be called ''Sterncoats.'' He said he thought that was pretty good.
Howard said he got crushed at the funeral. He said he was good too but those two came out of nowhere. Howard said it's Inside Edition that she hosts not a Current Affair.
Howard asked Gary if he has more. Gary said he has some anti-mask Karens. Howard said those are his favorites. Gary said this woman was removed from a Starbucks for not wearing a mask. Howard played the clip and the woman told the guy to take his hand off of her. She said she has her first amendment right and this is kidnapping.
Howard said he could never be a cop. He said you have to have too many skills to deal with people. Gary said this was just to get her to leave the store. He said they had to take her into custody after that. He had another clip of this woman freaking out about being arrested. She was screaming when they put the cuffs on her. She claimed she was not under arrest and just leave her alone. She said she can't breathe as she's screaming. Then she starts saying ''In the name of Jesus...'' over and over.
Howard said he's shocked she didn't start speaking in tongues. He said Jesus wants nothing to do with her. Robin said he's hiding in a corner somewhere from her.
Gary said he has just a couple more. He said this is a woman arguing with a manager of a Trader Joes. He said the guy was just explaining that he doesn't make the rules but they have to follow them. Howard played the clip and the woman was arguing that they can't keep her out because of their rules because they're not laws. She went on and on about how they have to let her in even though she had no mask on.
Howard said he hates that. He said she thinks she's a lawyer. He said when you apply for a job at Trader Joes you don't want to deal with that. Gary said there are a lot of things like that he didn't use because they were more visual. He said that one guy body slammed a guy at Home Depot over the mask thing. Howard said that guy should be in jail.
Gary said this is the last clip. He said men can be Karens too. He said this guy is yelling at people for wearing masks. He said his friends had to drag him out of the store. Howard played the clip and the guy was saying that they're a bunch of idiots for wearing masks and this isn't real. He said they look like idiots. Howard said he hopes he got COVID and died. Howard wondered if his mother paid attention to him. He said he's going to beat up a person for wearing a mask.
Gary said he has a song to wrap this up. Howard played a song about Karens. They had a bunch of the clips from the stuff Gary had Howard play.
Howard said usually the Karens aren't that hot but that one who was at the Lakers game was. He said he's not sure if he could fuck her after that though.
Howard took a call from Fake Arnold Schwarzenegger who was saying that these women turn him on. He said he looks for women like this when he's out driving around. He said it makes him so hot. He was cumming as he was talking about that. Howard said that would have been good if they could have heard it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said poor Gary had to deal with so much. He said he's had to deal with a lot of shit. He said Howard should be forbidden from busting his balls. Howard said his heart isn't in it when he hears that stuff. He said he has had a difficult life. The caller said forget the therapist and just go to Gary. He said if he can be happy then anyone can be happy.
Gary asked if he has ever calculated how much he's spent on therapy. Howard said he could never do that. He said that would be a bad idea. He said he was thinking about Gary and how he should just eat as many plantain chips as he wants. Gary said he's just telling some of the worst stories. He said his son, Lucas, had a lot of questions about grandma when his book came out. He said he remembered her taking a bunch of garlic knots at a restaurant they went to once. He said he tries to give him all the details about her.
Howard said he feels bad. He said that when he threw out that pitch he loved it. He said it wasn't so bad. He said lets see someone else do better. Gary said don't be patronizing. He said he can be himself. Howard said there it is. Robin said that Sal should stop goofing on Gary too. Gary said they both have some messed up stories. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and had Ronnie singing with the Summer of 69. Howard said he has Ass Napkin Ed on the phone. He took Ed's call but he was asleep and snoring. Howard said Ed called in at like 6 this morning to get on the show. He said he has a colony of worms in his ass so that must make him tired.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Ass Napkin Ed is the grossest Wack Packer ever. Howard said for him Jeff the Vomit Guy is the worst. The caller said that's a fetish though. Howard said he can't even pick up on him sometimes when he calls. He said it's just so gross to hear about him wanting women to vomit on him. He said he'd rather hear about Ass Napkin Ed's worms.
Howard said he thinks Ed is waking up. He said maybe not. Ed was still snoring. Howard said he has to read some fan feedback. He said they played a prank call where Chris Wilding made a call to Ed as Ass Napkin Chris. He said the fans loved that. He read some feedback about that. Howard said the whole conversation was about an hour and he said he might do a special for the fans. He said it's really intense. He said the fans are calling for more of that. He read some feedback from fans who were asking for them to run it without any edits.
Howard said America may have Ass Napkin fever. He said he's back to being popular on the show. Howard told Chris he did a good job with that impression. Chris was snoring like Ass Napkin Ed. Chris said he feels good about what he did. He said it's nice to bring him back into the fray.
Ward asked what's wrong with his microphone. He said it sounds like the ocean. Chris did something that fixed it but he said he didn't do anything.
Howard said he has a few more clips from the conversation that Ass Napkin Ed and Ass Napkin Chris had. Howard said Ed was talking about how to get rid of his worms and he was going to burn them out with a hair dryer. Chris said that he asked Ed about the toothbrush he uses to scratch his ass and he said he doesn't think he uses the same one to brush his teeth. He said he only has like 5 teeth anyway. He said it's better that way because you don't get toothaches.
Howard said he has a cat named Walter who doesn't have any teeth now. He said he has great breath now too. He said Ed is like that. He said Walter had been abused and no one took care of his teeth. He said he's fine now.
Howard played the conversation that Ass Napkin Ed and Ass Napkin Chris had about heating the worms out of Ed's ass. Ed turned the blow dryer on and tired to burn them out. He said it burns. He farted after trying to burn them out.
Howard said we live in 2021 and there are so many medications to get rid of pinworms. He said meanwhile this guy is trying to burn them out. He said it's like a cartoon. He said he could shove a stick of dynamite up there to blow them out of there.
Howard and Chris did their Ass Napkin Ed impressions and talked about the pinworms and different ways to get them out of there. Howard had him talking about burning them out with gasoline. Howard said there's already a cure for this stuff.
Howard said he likes when he tells Ed that his worms are worse than his and Ed goes ''Oh man...'' Chris said he told him they were grabbing food from the refrigerator and Ed said he must have tape worms.
Howard said he has a couple more clips. He said people are demanding it. He said he has to play them for the Sterncoats. Howard said Chris told Ed that he feeds his worms flies. Ed told Chris that he has had flies on his crotch. Ed said it turned him on because they tickled. He said they're attracted to the smell of assholes. He said maybe Ass Napkin Chris has maggots in his butt.
Ass Napkin Howard and Ass Napkin Chris were talking about their maggots and flies in their asses. They were making up stuff that Ed could talk about. Howard wondered how Ed is from this area with that accent he has. Chris wondered how he's from this planet.
Howard said they weren't going to play this part but this is gold. He played a clip of Ed talking about having his ass eaten before by a broad. He said that he doesn't think he had the worms at the time. He said this broad was from PlentyOfFish. Chris said he goes on PlentyOfWorms to get women. He said that he had a woman eat out his ass and she had a mouth full of worms like a bird.
Howard said Ed has no idea that Chris is doing an impression of him. Chris said they're just a couple of guys talking about their asses. Howard did his Ass Napkin Ed voice and talked about these ''broads'' and how they like to eat worms out of his ass.
Howard said this is bonus material. He said the boys got into a long discussion about jerking off and Ed said his cum tastes like mushroom soup. Howard played the clip where Ed and Chris talked about that. Chris asked what his cum tastes like. Ed said it tastes like Mushroom soup and Chris said his is like cream of broccoli soup. Chris said maybe they could get together and taste each other's to see if they taste the same. He said that's not gay. Ed said he's not sure about that. Chris said he was just testing him.
Howard said that was kind of gay complimenting Chris on his jizz. He said he likes that Ed is on medication but not medication for his worms. Howard said he'd think that if you were scrubbing your asshole with a toothbrush that you'd do something about it. He said he has nothing going on in his life. Chris said the worms might be like friends. Ass Napkin Howard and Ass Napkin Chris were talking more about the jizz stuff together.
Howard said he has one more clip. He said Ed told Wolfie about a rubber torso he uses to pleasure himself. Howard played that clip and Ed told Wolfie about this thing that's kind of like Jell-O and he calls it Amanda. He told Wolfie that sometimes he doesn't clean it out. He said you might want to hold your breath around it when you don't clean it out.
Howard said he guarantees that's how COVID-19 got started. He said it was probably in some cheap ass love doll. Chris said he loved the question about how he cleans it. He said it was such a loaded question. He said he doesn't even clean himself.
Howard said he thinks that their next guest has worms too. He wondered if Ed's parents wonder what they did wrong with him. Howard did his impression of what his parents might sound like and they sounded like Ass Napkin Ed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is the funniest fucking thing he's ever heard. He said he wants to throw up but he couldn't.
Howard said the worst part of this is that Chris can't call Ed again because he's on to him. Chris said he's not sure about that.
Howard said it's funny that Ed never said anything about how similar their lives are. Chris said that's what's great about a Wack Packer.
Howard said he loves that Ed's ass smells so much that he's like a Venus Fly Trap. He said the flies go to his dick and he cums from it. He said any guy who blow dries his asshole might take a call from anyone named Ass Napkin.
Howard said Ed is probably just happy to have someone who doesn't run away from him immediately. Chris said he was trying to figure out how to end the call and started to fall asleep. He said Ed asked if he was sleeping.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's about to vomit. Howard asked her if she's ever had worms from an asshole. She said something about a meal she had one time that wasn't so good and that was the last time she ever ate chili.
Howard said he has to get Triumph on. He said it's not that easy to get him on the show. He said that he has things to promote. He said everyone loves him. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and said they had the Meat Puppets on the show a long time ago. He said everyone loves Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. He said he's there to promote the show ''Let's Be Real'' which is on FOX Thursday night. He said he's got more to promote and he'll talk about that later.
Howard said it's funny that he got big so fast that they weren't able to get him on the show. Triumph said he's turned down many invitations. He said he's just a baby. He said he's not even performing in show business anymore.
Howard said he didn't know what his room would look like on Zoom. He said he has some paintings of flowers on his wall. Triumph said he has books on the floor for urinary purposes. Howard said he figured that he made millions of dollars doing what he does. He said the room is kind of barren. Triumph said he likes to be understated. He said the door is very narrow in there. Triumph said that the bathroom is very shitty.
Howard said he wants to talk to Bob for a second. He said the room looks like a penitentiary. Triumph said he doesn't want to break character. He said when you break character the act is fucked.
Howard said he used to think he was rolling in dough but maybe not. Triumph showed him the Venetian blinds he had and said they're real wood.
Howard said that things are kind of falling apart. He said he sees the human head on the side of the screen. Triumph said that's a Jewman being.
Howard said he said this to a friend that Michael Vick's dogs live better than he does. Triumph said that's not true. He said Michael Vick's dogs actually settled in a civil suit. Howard said that must be big in the dog world. Triumph said they're rolling in it now. He said they get all of his money now.
Howard said it's so funny how bad that room is he's in. He said it looks like he finally got that big cigar to stick in his mouth. Triumph said he's only got the one so he's not opening his mouth.
Howard asked if he can share his great thoughts with them. Triumph said it's great to see Howard and Robin in their home offices. He asked when they last saw each other. Howard said it was over a year ago. Robin said it was March of 2020. Triumph said they wont be in the same room until Ronnie's funeral. He said who are they kidding, Howard won't go to his funeral.
Howard asked if there's a line he won't cross. Triumph said he won't joke about Prince Philip's death. He said he actually went to the funeral. He said it was whiter than Ronnie's pubic hair. He said that's nothing to joke about. He said he knows how Queen Elizabeth must feel.
Triumph said Howard's staff wrote jokes for him but he hasn't read one yet. He said it's been too long since they spoke. Howard said it must be tough to be an insult comic dog. Howard said he used to be on Conan's show. Triumph said that Sally Jesse Raphael was on the show in 1994 so there were two dogs. He said he's just joking.
Howard said Triumph is kind of the new Don Rickles. Triumph said there's also Jeff Ross. He said he is the Roastmaster General. Triumph said he just does his thing and he just wants to hurt people's hearts. Howard asked where the bitterness comes from. He said he must have had a horrible upbringing.
Triumph said he had a horrible upbringing. He said his mother was a Rottweiler. Howard asked what he makes of Conan retiring from late night. Triumph said he's not sure what he'll do. He said the only other thing he can do is pull things down from high shelves. He said he does have a podcast now though. He said it's as big as that Marc Maron guy. He said they all came around to realize they don't need the audience.
Triumph said he did a podcast last year but he got pandemic'd and it's gone now.
Howard asked Triumph to do some jokes for them. Triumph said in April 2019 they caught a black what? Howard said what. Triumph said it was a black... person shaking hands with Sal. He had one about Richard that he quickly told.
Triumph asked if he should break into his insult comedy. Howard said he should. Triumph said fasten your seat belts. Howard said this is a bitter dog who is very funny. Triumph said he is filled with hatred and you're the beneficiary.
Triumph said that Howard has signed on for 5 more years. He said Rush Limbaugh knew when to leave them wanting more.
Triumph said he was happy for Howard to sign on for more because he didn't want Benjy out on the streets. Triumph asked Fred to give him a rim shot. Fred said he thought he was going to do the move. Triumph told him when to do it.
Triumph said Howard is keeping more fat old men alive than Remdesivir. He said people call in and say Howard talks about COVID too much. He said he asks if people would rather hear more about kitten adoption.
Triumph asked if Beth is double vaccinated. Howard said yes she is. Triumph said that she must always feel sick from a little prick inside her. Howard said he's so mean.
Triumph said that you can't expect bang o'clock when you have a face that can stop a clock. He goofed on Howard's looks and had Howard cracking up. Triumph said he heard that Beth is really turned on by his fountain pens. He said especially the one that he used to sign his will.
Howard said he has gotten even more biting than usual. He said he's laughing and crying over all of this.
Triumph said Howard's interests get more and more bland by the day, kind of like Jon Hein's diet. He said he'll probably be crocheting dildo cozies for Ronnie some day. He said Ronnie will probably be long dead by that time though.
Triumph said he really is starting to worry people. He said he hasn't left the house in 14 months and he's like an unfuckable Howard Hughes. Triumph said the only cure for this virus is to stay home. He said that's great for Howard. He had a joke about Gary and what that would be like for him.
Howard said he has never seen Triumph like this. Triumph said he's usually on the couch in there. He said how about Gary Dell'Abate. He said he looks great. He said he abuses Gary more than JD abuses the English language. Triumph said Gary takes more abuse than Jon Hein's toilet after an Arby's bender.
Triumph said that Gary gets much better sleep at the office than he does at home. He said he has to work on the computer after all these years of phoning it in.
Triumph said Howard speaks the truth. He said the right wingers go after Howard but they really hate Gary because one look at him proves that we evolved from apes.
Triumph asked why Gary isn't showing his face. Howard asked Gary to get on. Triumph said he misses him. Gary got on and Triumph asked why he isn't in more moves like the one where he fucks Godzilla. He said he misses Gary. He said he dreamed he was kissing him. He said he has to remember to stop going to sleep with his face so close to his ass.
Triumph said he's not going to tell jokes about Robin unless she wants him to. Robin said he should express himself. Triumph said Robin and Fred are such loyal people. He said one always has his hand up a puppet's ass and one has her head up Howard's ass.
Triumph said Robin is the only one who truly understands him. He said he's another one whose career has been carried by an ugly Jew. Robin said how dare you.
Triumph said that Robin is getting up there in years. He said he understands that she masturbated with a cucumber and it came back out a pickle. He said that she's still beautiful. He said she's still in the game. He said she likes to double up on birth control so she uses the pill and the sound of her voice. He said he's joking of course. He said he's not sure who wrote that joke but they have no taste in voices. He said he really does kid. He said he double kids.
Triumph said next time Robin gets eaten out is when her cats eat her after she dies. He said he won't say who wrote that on the writing staff.
Triumph said Robin went into nursing but no one told her tits. He said that's a joke about her big boobs. Howard said he's as brutal as he's ever been. Triumph said he's sorry. He said you have to be careful about what you say about women these days. He said he wants to perform a segment of comedy about her enormous vagina. Robin laughed and told him to go ahead. Triumph said that he didn't know it was enormous until he read the joke. He said he Googled some information and her last lover was Mr. X who was very large. He said the next guy she fucks is going to have some big holes to fill.
Triumph said he loves Robin and his whole staff there. He asked if everyone is getting vaccinated. Howard said they are. Triumph said he heard that Ronnie refused to take the Johnson and Johnson vaccine until they make the needle the size of Sal and Richard's penises.
Triumph said he wants to know how they got their mouths off of each other's penises to make a mould. Howard said he's not sure.
Howard said this is some roast today. Triumph said that the Jew's arm is very tired. Howard said he will talk to the Jew when he's too tired to hold it. Triumph said he has a lot of jokes so he can go on. Howard asked how he really wants to roast. Triumph said he is so angry at Ronnie. He said not really. He said he will hit the highlights. He said you have to admire Ronnie because he won't tell you who he voted for but he will tell you how much his girlfriend stuffed inside him the night before.
Triumph said it's tough to make fun of these guys. He said you're not supposed to punch down but to make fun of Sal what other direction is there? He said he's lower than Prince Philip's nut sack. He said Sal was caught masturbating at work but it was time for Richard's lunch after all. Triumph said that he wanted to say congratulations on Richard's new son but his poor wife has 3 diapers to change now.
Howard asked if he can talk to the Jew whose arm controls Triumph. Triumph said that's fine but prepare to be bored. Howard said this is Robert Smigel. He said he's the genius behind Triumph. Bob popped on screen. Howard said people don't know how talented he really is. Bob said that's okay. Howard asked if he's a Bob or a Robert. Bob said he likes when Howard calls him Bob. He said what he likes about Howard is that it's very endearing. His microphone was all fucked up so Howard asked if he should take a break. Bob said he can fix it. He said he's not good at this at all. He did something to fix it but he knocked himself off. Bob said he can hear him now. Howard said he sounds good now.
Howard said Triumph pissed on Bob's microphone. Bob said he doesn't like conceding the camera. Howard said it's hard to get Bob on camera. He said he doesn't do him a lot so he appreciates him coming on. Bob said he's doing other things because he has to make a living. Howard asked why the podcast didn't work out. Bob said it worked out really well but he was doing it in Brooklyn with an audience. He said he can't just interview people as Triumph. He said they did it in front of audiences but then the pandemic came and he had to shut it down.
Bob mentioned the Adam Sandler movie he directed that Ronnie was in. Howard said Bob didn't want to direct it. Bob said he never wanted to direct movies. He said he's the first guy on set and the last one to leave. He said he'd rather write it and just produce. He said that way he can just tell Sandler what he likes and doesn't like.
Howard said Sandler asks him to write something and then direct it. He said Sandler pushed him to do it. Bob said that he and Adam are like cheerleaders or each other and he's always supported him. He said it ended up being a movie he wanted to direct. He did his impression of Adam telling him what he wanted with that movie.
Howard said Bob was hired at 25 years old to work on Saturday Night Live. He said he wrote some of the best sketches over there. He said that he and Sandler got to know each other over there. Howard said Lorne Michaels asked him to be a talent scout and he brought in Sandler. Bob said he didn't bring him in but he thought he was very funny when he saw his audition. He said what is true is that he was a big champion of him. He said Greg Daniels, Conan O'Brien and Bob Odenkirk were also writers there. He said Adam would write stuff that would bomb in the room other than the four writers. He said they were all cracking up. He said that they let Adam do one or two of those things and young people connected with it. He said he hung out with Farley's brothers and he got to be in one of those sketches. He said they were doing it with George Wendt and Chris Farley and his brothers were telling him that their brother wasn't the break out star, it was Sandler.
Howard said Bob was like the gate keeper there. Bob said he was like the fourth in charge. He said he had an influence on the show and he helped get Rachel Dratch get hired. Howard said she's very funny. Bob said she was 34 at the time and they were afraid she was too old. He said it was a weird time for that.
Bob said he got to see Chris Rock and Chris Farley audition as well as Sandler. Howard asked if Lorne Michaels ever said that he didn't get someone like those guys. Bob said he got Chris Rock.
Howard said sometimes they hire people and don't know what to do with them. He said Chris Rock was like that. Bob said that Damon Wayans was like that 10 years before. He said it was dry humor that was dominating comedy. Howard said he knows what he means. He said that Jewish comics have a certain sensibility. Bob said it's like that Richard Belzer kind of comedy. He said it wasn't ironic like Steve Martin.
Howard said when Bob was working on Conan he was almost like anti-Letterman. He said he had to do something different. Bob said they did it because they did love Dave. Howard asked what it was to be anti-David Letterman. Bob said that Dave was moving to CBS and they wanted to do something different. He said he wanted to do sketch comedy in late night. He said kind of like what Steve Allen did in the 50s. He said that's what he wanted to do with Dana Carvey. He said Jimmy Fallon did that many years later. He said they did some of that on Conan. He said when Conan got the gig he had those ideas in his head and he and Conan did that kind if thing.
Howard said Bob met Conan at Saturday Night Live and he thought he was the funniest guy in the room. Bob said he and Jim Downey were the two guys who could make everyone in the room laugh. Howard asked if that makes you a great sketch writer. Bob said not really but Conan was a great sketch writer. He said he was super fun to write with. He said his greatest strength was that he could make any scene better. He said if he had an idea and Conan wanted to write it with him it was going to be better.
Howard asked if he ever got envious of the main people eon the show. Bob said he loves performing but he was hired in 1985 and it was a very rocky year. He said it was with Robert Downey and Anthony Michael Hall and Randy Quaid. He said they weren't really sketch performers. He said there was a part of him that thought he could have done better but then they brought in Dana Carvey and people like that the next year. He said then he saw how good you really had to be.
Howard asked if he got pissed off when he didn't get on air. Bob said he wouldn't get pissed but he'd go to the performers and ask them to do a line a certain way and he could see the look in their eye.
Howard asked if Bob is kind of unassuming in a room usually. He asked if he's on all the time or what. Bob said he's serious when he's working on a show. He said he is a big worrier. He said that people think that it's a workaholic thing but it's more of a worry-holic. He said he saw a video years ago that was from Saturday Night Live on a Thursday night and someone had taken a ball apart and they were all taking this goo inside the ball was being thrown against the wall. He said the person taking the video took a shot of him and he was the only one reading a script while everyone else was having fun.
Bob said that he knew he was good because he cares about details. He said that Jim Downey asked him to look over other sketches because he was so detail oriented.
Howard said it seems that Bob wanted to be head writer. Bob said he didn't wanted to be head writer. He said that he was a brat and he was very opinionated. He said he wore his honesty on his sleeve. He said that he was intimidated but he was also the nerdiest person ever to be hired there. He said he grew up in New York and he knew a lot about Saturday Night Live. He said it really changed New York in a lot of ways. He said Lorne doesn't get a lot of credit for that. He said that so many people abandoned the city while Lorne stuck it out. He said they should rename the whole block after him. Howard said he's right about that. Bob said he's not just kissing his ass. He said there are a lot of people who have streets named after them. He said Lorne isn't one of them.
Howard said that he's right because they celebrated New York. He said they would say ''Live, from New York.'' Bob said that Lorne even brought the Tonight Show back to New York. Howard said it was a big time for New York when they had Saturday Night Live starting out.
Howard asked Bob how at 25 years old he got that job. He asked how he knew he could write. Bob said he didn't. He said he thought he was going to be a dentist. He said he didn't know he could make people laugh other than his friends.
Howard said he saw the video of his father doing dental bonding on TV. He said he was the one who came up with the whole idea of bonding. Bob said that they were meant to resemble teeth instead of being silver. He said he was doing a lot of different things and he ended up going on That's Incredible to show it off. Howard said he was on to a good thing. He said he wanted his son to be a dentist. Bob said he didn't force him into it and he thought he had that as an option. He said he was good with his hands and he could draw really well.
Howard said Bob has a very biting humor. He said you have to sit down and find the things that annoy you most to write that stuff. Bob said it's stuff that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable.
Howard asked if he remembers what he got on air for the first time. Bob said he does. He said he was writing stuff like Andy Kaufman would do. He said he did a sketch where it was practical jokes on animals like a Candid Camera kind of show.
Howard said Bob loves doing animal humor. He said one of the best sketches he ever wrote was this Clucky the chicken sketch. Bob said that may be his favorite he ever wrote for Saturday Night Live. Howard explained the bit and how funny it was. Bob explained it too and went through the whole process of making fried chicken. Howard said they end up chopping up the chicken and it was so sadistic. He said it's such a great sketch.
Howard asked how he got that gig at 25. Bob said he was just so lucky. He said it's so much more competitive now. He said what happened was that he was performing in Chicago and he sucked at science in college so he gave up. He said he did some stand up and won a contest and that gave him some confidence. He said he was okay at stand up but he didn't want to keep doing it. He said he won a contest and that wasn't it. He said then he had to do shows at 1:30 in the morning at comedy clubs. He said he didn't want to do that. He said he wanted to do weird shit instead. He said that he would do a bit where he was an orthodox Jew with a cotton candy beard. He said he'd come out and not say anything but then he'd turn the page with his wet finger. He said once they started laughing then he'd start eating his beard. He said it was that kind of shit. He said you can't do that at 1:30 at night. He said they hate you for that. He said that late at night you want someone to talk to you.
Howard asked Bob how he got the job. Bob said he did sketch comedy in Chicago and graduated college. He said he failed organic chemistry when he went to dental school. He said they still wanted to take him because of his father though. He said he wanted to defer for a year but they wanted him to go. He said this woman wanted him to go even though he had a C average. He said he failed Organic Chemistry. He said he got an F and she was stumped by it. He said she said that was going to be hard.
Howard asked how he got the job at Saturday Night Live. Bob said he took these classes and met people and they formed a comedy group. He said it was a great place to form a group. He said there was no end game like there is in New York and L.A. Bob said that they were there to just do comedy. He said that people in the mid-west are more content with their lives. Howard said he's right about that. He said it's not the same as New York. Bob said he's very lucky because now you can start improv in New York. He said back then it didn't exist.
Bob said this guy in his comedy group, Dave Reynolds, was cast in a movie that Al Franken and Tom Davis were making. He said they came to see their show and they took them out for beer after. He said that was great but then 2 weeks later he found out that Al and Tom were being hired on Saturday Night Live when Lorne was returning. He said that he now knew someone at Saturday Night Live and they gave him support. He said he and two other guys were hired and the one guy was beaten out by Jon Lovitz.
Howard asked if he had to submit writing samples. Bob said he did. He said it still amazes him that he got hired.
Howard said all of this was based on human interaction. He said imagine if a pandemic hit back then. He said he feels bad for young people now. Bob said it is kind of strange but everyone else is stalled just like they are.
Howard asked if he's still close with Al Franken. Bob said he is. He said he was a great senator. Howard said he was. Bob said whatever he did he should have been able to have it evaluated by the Senate ethics committee. He said look at what Matt Gaetz is being accused of. He said Al was collateral damage. He said they were trying to win in Georgia and they had to do something. He said if the governor of Minnesota was a Republican Al wouldn't have been pressured to resign.
Howard said Bob wrote the Star Trek convention bit where William Shatner told them to get a life. Bob said he had never heard that saying before but he's sure he didn't make it up. He said that became a big thing after that.
Howard said Bob says that the best sketch he ever saw on Saturday Night Live was the Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley dance thing. Bob said that there was a book about Chris' life that came out and he was talking about how that was the first step in killing him. He said that it was like he had no respect for himself. Howard said the controversy was that Chris was overweight and the joke was that Farley was being made fun of because he's a fat guy. Bob said that's why the sketch was great. He said that Farley was incredibly nimble and an athlete. He said he danced very well in that sketch. He said he had fantastic energy and it was actually very empowering. He said that he was just going for it. He said he's an amazing physical comedian.
Howard asked if Chris is the guy who was the funniest there. Bob said he was explosively funny and he thinks that people would agree with that.
Howard said he loved a lot of the sketches he wrote. He said one that he wrote was the McLaughlin Group sketch. He said it was like a song the way it played out. Bob said he and Dana used to bond over finding the music in someone's vocal rhythms. He said that they would expand it from there. He said that they would fuse these impressions together.
Howard said he must have been in heaven writing with Dana. He said he can do any voice and he has a rhythm to the voices. Bob said that he was very practical. He said he had a very practical approach to work. He said that he came in and asked the writers to write with him with the impressions he can do.
Howard said no one ever knew what to do with Dana until he got to Saturday Night Live. Bob said he was a very unassuming person in real life. He said he was good in sketches as himself but in movies they didn't know what to do with him. He said they didn't figure out what that persona was. He said he would have been a great talk show host. He said that he's very funny and charming. Howard said he always thought he could have been as big as Jim Carrey. He said if he had just found something like Jim did that Dana could have been huge.
Howard asked Bob why someone can't sustain a career on Saturday Night Live. He said that Dana could have stayed on. Bob said look at Kenan Thompson. He said he's been on for like 15 years. Howard asked why it's a stigma. Bob said it's not now. Howard asked if they don't pay enough money. Bob said he's sure Kenan gets some good money. He said he's got a Sitcom right now. He said that a lot of the cast don't get to do that. He said for every Adam Sandler there's 20 who don't have that success.
Bob asked if Howard has seen Carvey do Biden yet. Howard said he thinks he did. Bob said it's hilarious. He said it's his funniest president since Bush. Howard said he could do 7 hours of this with him.
Howard said Bob had something to do with the Chris Farley life coach bit. Bob said Bob Odenkirk had left the show and they put it on and put him in charge of it. He said Bob wrote the sketch. He said he helped with the table smash thing. He said that was the first time that Farley ever fell. He said that in the dance sketch he wasn't a clumsy guy. He said hew as a fat guy going for it in an amazing way.
Howard said the best thing he ever saw Chris do was when he was on Letterman and he came in doing somersaults. He said he never got to meet him but he thought he was great.
Howard said before they run out of time he wants to talk about some of the things he's working on. He said that he's got a son with Autism and he has devoted his life to raising money for Autism. He said that's tough. He said he knows people who have kids who are autistic. He said the toughest thing to wonder about is who is going to take care of your child when you're gone. Bob said that there are people who have severe autism and have high needs. He said his son is non verbal for the most part. He said what's complicated is that autism covers this enormous spectrum. He said what they're learning is that you just have to acknowledge that there are people with autism who are able to function and contribute and they have to live with a stigma of being though of as lesser and that's not right. He said we're all trying to be very vigilant of that now.
Howard said he wants to talk about this fund raiser. Bob said it's called Color the Spectrum. He said he and his wife started this about 18 years ago. He said they wanted to start it and not have it about finding a cure. He said when they saw what was happening to their son their first thoughts were that they might want to find a cure. He said that there were a lot of people talking about a cure but he and his wife wanted to help their son get through it and communicate his needs. He said they wanted to know if he was okay. He said they had a lot of trouble getting him into school because there's such a shortage of that.
Howard asked how expensive it is to prepare for the care of his son. Bob said he'll never stop working. He said he has to keep working because he knows that his son will need help all the way through his life. Howard asked how expensive that is. Bob said it's more than it should be. He said the services are lacking. He said they have very kind people working with his son. He said his son got COVID and the people are so dedicated that they stayed with him. He said they all asked to be a part of that care. He said a lot of people assume that Daniel can be talked about like he's not there but that drives him nuts. Bob said that they called it a disease when they started out but then they changed it to a disorder. He said now they call it a condition. He said that he wanted people to understand that Daniel is a whole person and not just someone who has a disorder and he's incapable of connecting with people. He said he knows that Daniel will have a job and he'll be happy. He said he wanted people to know that these people are whole individuals and they should be able to have the best life possible. He said they have feelings and needs and you have to remember that.
Howard asked if Daniel was his first born. Bob said he was. He said that they didn't have children for 10 years after that. He said they were so focused on his needs that they didn't want to have other kids. He said they had so much work to do with him. He said it was something they had no interest in focusing on anyone else.
Howard asked how hard it was on his marriage. Bob said it made his marriage stronger. He said he and his wife were in it together. He said that she helps moms who have kids who were diagnosed. He said that one of their twins has diabetes and they have to get up in the middle of the night to take care of that. He said she's his hero. He said his son is the greatest gift of his life. He said he has learned so much from him.
Howard said his heard goes out to him. He said he knows other people with autism and the parents worry about what's going to happen when they're gone.
Howard said the benefit is called Color the Spectrum. Bob said that the host is Jimmy Kimmel and Mark Rober who is a wonderful kid too. He said they have a lot of good people on the show. He said it'll be live streamed. Howard read the list of people who are involved with the benefit.
Howard asked how you see this. Bob said it'll be on Mark Rober's channel on YouTube on Friday night at 8pm eastern time. He said it'll be live streamed and they'll be doing a lot of silly stuff. He said it will be a lot of fun.
Howard said Bob also has a new TV show. He said that's on FOX Thursday night. He said the show is called ''Let's Be Real'' and it's on at 8:30. Howard said he saw some of the show and it's remarkably great. He said they have some great puppets. Bob said he has some great writers on the show. He said a lot of them came up with some great material. He said it's all in that silly humor. Bob said it's actually on at 9:30 as far as he knows.
Howard said his heart goes out to him with the autistic child. He said he's been a great father and he knows how much he's put into that. He said he's a great guy and he wishes him luck with the FOX series. He said you want to appreciate him. He said he's the best. Howard wrapped up and let Bob go. Howard said he has a million stories but they could only get to a few. robins said they have so much more to talk about. Howard said he had a lot more to talk about with the Dana Carvey Show and all of that.
Howard said that Bob is the writer and producer of this ''Let's Be Real'' show. He said the puppets are amazing. He said he can't even describe what they look like. He said it's very well done. He said the puppets look like the people they're supposed to be.
Howard said they ran out of time but he wanted to talk to bob about all of this. He said they had controversy about the voice of Kamala Harris and it's so involved. Howard said he should have him back on to talk about this stuff. He said he got a note saying that Bob had to let Triumph out to pee during the interview.
Howard said that the show is on at 9:30 but the FOX web site says 8:30. He said it's not good when the network doesn't even know when it's on. Howard said they're going to go since it's getting late. He said George Takei will be joining them next Wednesday. He said everyone loves George. Robin said that's great. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:45am.