Howard said he knows everyone is talking about Andy Cohen and if he hit it with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills special with Erika Jayne. He said he thinks he did. He said that he didn't get to know anything but he did find that she's nasty. He said if you're accused of stealing money from burn victims and orphans you can just say you have Alzheimer's and you get away with it.
Howard said if he ever does anything wrong he'll just say he has Alzheimer's. He said then he can get away with it.
Howard said you used to be senile but now it's Alzheimer's. Robin said senile wasn't a medical term. She said they had to come up with one. Howard said they were talking about Tony Bennett who has Alzheimer's but he can still go out and sing.
Robin said when she wrote her book she sent her parents a copy to read and she said she'd talk to them about it. She said her mother was very angry about it but her father who was supposed to have Alzheimer's would sit there in a chair. She said that one day he just said ''You didn't have to tell everybody.'' She said she turned to him and said he didn't have to do it and there wouldn't be a book. She said it was interesting that he put all of that together with his Alzheimer's.
Howard said she should have done what he did and printed a different book than what he put out. Robin laughed. Howard said she acts impulsively. He said she's little miss honest over there.
Robin said it was very interesting how that came back to him. She said he was no longer able to hide. Howard said her dad was on the show a long time ago. He said he was mostly silent. Robin said that was the Alzheimer's period. She said he hardly knew where he was. Robin said she was out to dinner once with the two of them and he had to ask who she was to her mother. She said she told him and he realized that she was Robin.
Howard asked if she regrets that she wrote that book. Robin said she is upset that she had to do a big ''fuck you'' to her parents. She said she always promised that she would get back at them and she did. Howard said he didn't know she had regrets. Robin said she did.
Howard said his favorite part was the anal sex part of the book. He said he didn't know that about her. Robin said that she's not sure what she would do. She said she's glad she's an example of a person who has overcome a lot. She said it's the consequences to other people that bothers her. Howard said he relates to that. He said this whole show is a big fuck you to everyone.
Howard said he has Robin's book on a shelf and he has the page dog eared so he can get to that anal sex part easily.
Howard said he's not sure what goes on there. Robin said she read that they were pointing guns at the camera and that's what they say happened there. Howard said when they were talking over the weekend they didn't know all the details. He said a lot of the things you read are wrong. He said evidently they were saying that this was Alec rehearsing in a corner. He said he's not sure if this is true or not but the one rule about shooting a gun is you never point one at someone for any reason. He said you never trust that someone has emptied a gun for you. He said you don't know if it was actually emptied or not. He said you have to check for yourself to make sure that it's clear. He said you have to follow a protocol to make sure they're empty.
Robin said you've never been on a set because they have a prop person to handle that. Robin said they told Alec that it was a cold gun which means it's unloaded. Howard said he's not sure why a rehearsal is going on around other people. He said only Alec could tell you what happened but they were saying that it was a cross draw and that's not easy to do. He said they said they were just practicing this scene. He said it can be done where there are no people. He said the questions are why were there live rounds near the set. He said that's what they're wondering now.
Howard said it's very strange. He said a woman is dead and they know Alec and have had him on the show many times. He said that he's sure that the family is devastated and Alec is suffering from this. He said it's a horrible tragedy. Robin said this was not supposed to be happening. She said that Alec was the one holding the gun and it can't be a great day. Howard said no.
Howard said he was also reading there were two other mishaps that happened on the set. Robin said they said it happened with that particular gun. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there. He said it sounds like a shit storm of bad shit going down. He said it's the perfect storm of shit going down. He said it's a terrible story. Robin said you'd never want that to happen to anybody.
Howard said she's so good performing live. He said she's something else. He said he watched that and felt like a proud parent. Robin said she watched it twice. She said it was so awesome. Howard said he did too. He said that Beth fall right asleep when she was performing and he had to rewind it for her. He said it was good and worth watching.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she thought that Sal not being able to pee last week was great. She said that she wanted to compliment Sal and Richard on their peeing thing. Howard said he thought it was a bit of a disappointment. Robin said he always takes that little worm out of his pants and this is the one time it didn't work.
The caller asked if Richard made beer in that bucket he peed in. Howard explained what happened with Sal and Richard and how Sal fucked everything up when he wasn't able to pee into his bucket to pee along with The Blue Danube. Howard played a clip of that disaster.
Howard said Richard took his pee bucket after the bit and he spilled the pee all over his house. Howard asked Richard what happened. Richard said he forgot that he had a sink down in the basement. He said he went upstairs and tripped over a toy down there and the piss went all over the place. Howard said he just left it on the floor and didn't clean it up. Richard said he did just let it dry. Howard asked why not get a mop and clean it up. Richard said he's the only one who uses the basement and he doesn't mind the smell. He said he just wanted to work and not have to mop it up. Howard said he had 4 days to clean it up. Richard said it was drying up by the end of the show. Robin said just because it dries doesn't mean you can't clean it. Richard said it just dried into the concrete floor.
Howard said he has a washing machine behind him. Richard said that's what it is. Howard said his piss is by the laundry. He said his wife must use it down there. Richard said he's the one who does the laundry. Howard said he just leaves it going down there. He asked if he's going to make beer in that bucket. Richard said not yet but he will. He said he washed it with some hot water. He said no soap though.
Howard read through some fan feedback about Sal not being able to pee. Fans were upset with him over that whole thing. Richard said Sal was upset about it too. He said it ruined his day and the next day too. He said they put a lot of hours into rehearsing for it. He said he was able to do it during rehearsal. He said it was really funny when they did the rehearsals. Howard said he heard after the show Sal was able to prove that he was able to do it. He said he was peeing perfectly after the show. He said that's the way it goes for Sal. He played a clip of Sal doing it perfectly off the air.
Howard said that's Sal. He said he did that for Richard. Richard said it was the audience of one.
Howard said he heard a fucked up Sal story. He said he heard his doctor refuses to see him anymore. He said if that happened to him he'd be so upset. He said Sal is so fucked up.
Howard said Sal had a very attractive doctor. He said he's so sex starved. He said he's paranoid that the doctor stopped seeing him because she found out that he enjoyed her touching his penis. Howard said Sal was blown away by how hot she was. Sal said she was gorgeous. He said that it was mind blowing. He said it was like the best day of his life. Howard said Sal's perceptions are all off. He said Sal was asked if he uses drugs and told him that they would come up in the drug test. Sal said she looked at him and told him that the blood doesn't lie. Howard said he took that as her hitting on him. Sal said it was the way she said it.
Howard said the first time this woman saw Sal she checked his balls and asked him to cough. Howard said Sal was coughing too lightly to keep her touching his balls. Sal demonstrated what he did. Howard said he guarantees he was thrusting his hips forward too. Sal said no he wasn't. Howard said Sal said he didn't get hard but he did have a tingle in his penis.
Howard said Sal liked this woman so much that he was going every six months for a physical. He said you're supposed to go once a year. Robin asked if he said he had something he was concerned about. Sal said no. He said it was just about the breathing and stuff. Howard said he was trying to book a date every six months.
Howard said Sal goes to the next appointment and the doctor barely touched his penis. He said the next visit she didn't check him at all. Howard said Sal even got upset and she told him he was good. Howard said who knows what the fuck he's doing in here. He said she knows he's up to something. He said he must have signaled something. Sal said she was just motivating him to go back. Howard said he said to her that she didn't check his testicles so please check them. Sal said he did and she told him he was good and left the room. He said he didn't want to pay the co-pay that day.
Howard asked if he got naked for the exam. Sal said no. He said he took his shirt off and that was it. He said he'd just drop his pants when she had to check him.
Howard said listen to this. He said after COVID and all of that he calls to get his balls checked again and now she's refusing to see him. Sal said he made an appointment and he got a call back saying that she's no longer seeing new patients. He said he was told that after a year he's a new patient and he has to go to a new doctor. Robin said imagine the creepiness coming off Sal. Howard said Sal said to them that he thinks that she may have sensed some creepiness after that first exam.
Sal said that's what he deduced from that. Howard said imagine what went on in that doctor office. He said now his name is known in that office. He said that he's like a kid who was bad in school and everyone knows their name. He said Sal calls up and they are taking new patients. He said he calls up and gives his name and they give him an appointment. He said they went to the doctor and she must have found out. Sal said that it was only 15 minutes until they called back. Howard said who knows what she told the receptionist to tell him. He said that he must have done something creepy. Robin said you don't know what he's doing. Sal said he didn't do anything. He said he just asked about his testicles the last time. He said he was motioning toward his penis. He said maybe that was it. He said it's supposed to be a thorough examination. He said she wasn't getting to that part.
Howard asked if she checked his prostate the last time. Sal said she never did. Howard said obviously being alone with Sal gave this woman a creep vibe like nothing else. He said he must have been out of line. Robin said you never point to your penis and ask ''Hey, what about this?'' Richard said he's happy when his old man doctor doesn't check his balls. Sal said he's not happy he has to go to someone who looks like Lee Iacocca now. He said he didn't feel he was treated properly as a patient.
Howard asked if he thought about her the next time he jerked off. Sal said he probably did. He said its a compliment to her though. Richard said he may be the only one who has touched Sal's balls and didn't run away. Howard said Sal should tell her that he is sex deprived and that's the only reason he did what he did. He said they had someone call up to make an appointment with the doctor and they took it no problem. He said they are taking new patients.
Howard asked Sal what it feels like to be that guy who the doctor won't see. Sal said it's not good. Richard said he should try going in as a woman Sally Governale.
Howard said Sal told his friends about this doctor and his friends started going and she stopped checking their penises too. Sal said he was just referring people to her. He said that's what you do. Robin said her whole waiting room was guys and they were all referred by Sal. Howard said maybe that's what freaked her out. He said they were all guys referred by Sal. He said they all wanted their penises touched. Robin said that's so sick. Sal said it's part of the process.
Howard asked if she touched his penis or just his balls. Sal said she rolled back his foreskin the first time. He said that she did that and checked his testicles. He said it was a nice experience. Howard said you know he came in her hand. Robin said you have to wear one of those face shields with Sal.
Howard was doing a voice of one of Sal's friends asking the doctor to check his testicles. Howard said only Sal could turn a doctor's office into a strip joint.
Howard said that Sal had a fantasy about her taking her top off while she's doing that. Sal said if you want to go that way you could think that she's going to ask you to check her.
Howard said he has a doctor on the phone who will take Sal as a patient. It was Chris Wilding doing his Mildred (Blue Iris) voice. She said she'll cup his balls with her mouth. She said she looked into the insurance and he can eat her cunt with no deductible. She said she'll check Sal's friends too.
Howard said Sour Shoes came in his pants when Lisa G just touched him once. He said he once came when a doctor touched him too. He said that they didn't touch his penis though. He said he just came in his pants when they touched his shoulder. Sal said that's wild. Robin told him to shut up. Sal said that women have gotten turned on by their gynecologists. He said they've all heard the stories.
Howard said think about how Sal is someone who can't get an appointment at a doctor's office. Robin said he hasn't been there in over a year and they know that he can't be a patient.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Sal he's an imbecile. He said you don't ask them to check you for a hernia. He said if they check they check. Sal said he's right and he should have asked her to check him for a hernia. He said he thought they were checking for lumps. The caller said he has never had his general practitioner check his balls. Howard said he's had that done but it's so quick and embarrassing. He said that woman didn't want to be alone with Sal in a room.
Richard said Sal is usually fully shaved too. He said that may have freaked her out. Howard said Sal probably said something about that. Howard said that must have freaked her out. Sal said he shaves his nuts. He said he has hair on top. He said they would much rather hold clean balls than hairy balls. He said that Richard probably has dingle berries hanging from his. Howard said Sal is missing the point. Howard said Sal probably put cologne on his balls. Sal said he just went for a check up. Howard asked if he fluffed up. Sal said he did not. Howard said he's sure that he had some pre-cum dripping out. Sal said he's not a pre-cum kind of guy. Howard said he would be so freaked out if he was in some database as being a creep.
Robin said they were very happy that he hadn't been there in over a year. Howard said Sal is so love starved that he's desperate for a doctor to touch him. Sal said to marry a doctor would be a great story.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Sal is disgusting him this morning. He said he wonders what will happen when he goes into a long term care place. He said he has to get help now because down the road it's going to be a diaster. Sal said he went through the procedure and nothing happened. He said that's the story. Howard said he got kicked out of the office. Sal said it's because of the COVID. He said it was the one year thing. Howard said they were able to get an appointment with a new patient.
Howard said Sal has so many stories. He said he's an endless source of ridiculousness. Robin said he's on a whole other level. Howard said he should book an appointment with every female doctor and get an appointment every week.
Howard said you know that Sal tells everyone that he works for the show. He said you know that. Sal said he just puts that he works at SiriusXM. He said he never uses Howard's name. Robin said they could tune in and see him on the show. Howard said you know he drops the name of the show. Robin said he probably wears a jacket. Howard said he's like Bobo. He said it's crazy.
Robin asked if his wife knows this story. Sal said she does. Howard asked why he doesn't just find another female doctor. Sal said he wasn't looking for on in the first place. He said he just got whoever was there. He said that she was an attractive lady. He said now he goes and he wants to throw up. Howard said they need a database of doctors who are hot and want to touch your balls.
Howard said Sal would have been happy even if it was an old bag doctor who touched his balls. He said this was just luck.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she worked in a doctor's office and that is a thing to tell someone not to come back after they haven't been there in a year. Howard asked what the indication is in the database for the creep. The caller said they would put asterisks in. She said there were other reasons to keep from seeing someone. She said that sometimes the patient does it on their own. She said it's totally a thing. Howard said so Sal has an asterisk by his name or something like that. The caller said that it may not be that but something similar. Howard said a fire alarm may go off when he calls. Everyone was cracking up as Howard made up what that would sound like.
Howard said Sal's wife is on the phone. He took the call from Fake Mrs. Governale who asked what's wrong with Sal. Sal said there's nothing to tell. He said it was just a bonus going to an attractive doctor. Sal's fake wife told him not to tell everyone on radio, just go tell the squirrels.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's crazy that Sal has worked for him for nearly 20 years and they just found out he was sexually molested when he was younger. Howard said there must be more they don't know about him. He asked Sal what they need to know. Robin said it's hard to unpack things.
Sal said last week they were talking to Dr. Bambi and that's when he told the story about his balls being cupped. He said he says too much on the show. Howard said Sal probably has incredible experiences they don't know about but they have to ask the right questions to find out. Sal said he tells them everything. He said that his sister did bring up something that was kind of heavy. He said they were talking about something. He said he'll bring it up later. Howard asked him to talk about it now.
Sal said his sister busted their father in a hotel with another woman. He said that his sister beat up the lady in the hotel room. Howard laughed and said ''what?'' Sal said it was a whole big mess. He said once she got home they made their mother aware of it. He said that his mother was afraid that their father was going to kill them. He said she hid his guns from him so he couldn't kill them with the gun. Howard asked why no one attacks their father and not the people who sleep with him. Sal said they're too scared.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she watched a documentary called ''My Friend Dahmer'' and it was about Jeffrey Dahmer who had an accident in his doctor's hand when he was checked. She said that's Sal. Sal said it was just a bonus that he got a good looking doctor. Howard said he ended up on the creep list though. He said for some reason he ends up on that list. Sal said that's not what happened. Robin said that doctor had to tell them that she never wanted to see him again. Sal said he was booted from there. He said he saw her after COVID. Howard said he thinks he's heard enough. He said he doesn't want to go through this again. Robin said it's creepier than she thought it was.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and said there's a crazy story on that song. He said it was written by this woman in Canada by the name of Shirley Eckhart or something. He said a bunch of people turned it down and then Bonnie didn't really want to add it to her album but her friend Bruce Springsteen told her to use it because she needed a hit song. Howard said she's some talent. He said that B.B. King said that Bonnie is his favorite slide guitar player. Howard said he read that she never took a guitar lesson. He said he doesn't believe that. He said she had to have had a lesson. Robin said in today's time you might believe or not believe them but what about early painters who learned to paint without lessons. Howard said they learned from their mentors. Robin said someone had to learn how to paint without a mentor. Howard said he's sure but he doesn't believe it now. Howard said someone just wrote that Bonnie's parents were both musicians. He said that's how she learned. Robin said it's like children who learn to act by being on set with their parents.
Howard said John Raitt must be her dad. He said he saw him on Broadway. He said his parents took him to a musical called Carousel. He knew some of the songs that they did in that musical. He remembered going to see it with this parents.
Jon Hein got on and told Howard that she started playing guitar at 8 years old. Fred had some audio from the musical playing. Howard said that's her dad.
Howard cut the song off and said he's got it. He said he wishes his dad would have sang about him. He said he had no joy about his son. He made up a song his dad could sing about him.
Howard said he had never mowed a lawn before and his dad sent him out to mow. He said it was all crooked and stuff. He said his dad came out screaming that he as an idiot. He said he remembers the words stinging. He said he had no lessons in mowing a lawn. He said all he had to do was show him how to do it. He said the thing with his father was that he thought he should just know everything that an adult male should know. He said he never thought about teaching him. He said he missed that whole step. He said the joy in having a kid is showing them how to do stuff.
Howard said his dad didn't want kids, he just wanted to fuck his hot mother. He said that his father missed the whole thing about raising kids. He said he missed the part where you're supposed to teach your kid things. He said he was supposed to just know it. He said he was just a weird fucking guy. He said he tries to talk to his mom about it and she just tells him that he loved him very much. Howard said he just seemed angry at him all the time.
Howard did his impression of his mother telling him how they tried their best and crying about it. Howard said he just wanted some confirmation that he wasn't out of his mind. He did his impression of both of his parents talking about things like going to the baseball games and just wanting to eat hot dogs. He said maybe his mother was afraid of his father. He said that she'd never talk back to him.
Howard said he knows his father had a terrible upbringing and had to learn everything on his own. He said maybe he thought he should be able to do the same.
Howard said he was a good kid. He said he learned to stay in his room and never leave. He said he still does that to this day. He said it was very comforting to say in his room. He said he would get weird and chew on his furniture. He had his parents yelling at him about that. He said he actually did gnaw on his furniture. He said it was a compulsion he had. He said he was in lock down before lock down was a thing. He said he had a dresser that his parents bought and he would gnaw on it. He said he just realized the pleasure of chewing on wood. Howard did his impression of his parents getting upset with him about that.
Howard said he learned that healthy people come out of people who are very disturbed. He said that's why he was eating his furniture. He did more of his impressions of his parents getting upset with him about chewing on his furniture. He said that all hell broke loose when they found out about that. He said he had a plan to eat his way out of the house.
Howard said he once put his head on his father's arm to read the paper with him and his father yelled at him asking what he was doing. He said that he'd get upset with him. He said he'd read the paper the wrong way too. He said his father told him he had to fold it in a certain way. Robin said she's seen that before and she's not sure how they do it. Howard said he ruined the appear for his father. He said that was a disaster.
Howard said when they got to work then things got better. He said he did get stuck in a room with some interesting people. He said then all the aggravation was worth it. He said he did get to see some cool stuff at his father's job. He said he got to see Larry Storch and people like that working. He said his dad was very considerate to people with microphones in front of them. He said that's when he realized that's what he had to do.
Howard said his father would take an order like a waitress to get food for these guys at work. He said he'd take it all down and smile while he was doing it. He said then he'd get him in the car on the way home and he'd ask him if he saw these schnurers who were taking shrimp salad as a meal. He said he was upset that it was like $8 a sandwich.
Howard said his father had used up his kindness at work. He said then they'd get in the car and his father would tell him to be quiet because Bob Grant was on the radio.
Howard said his dad never made a fuss over him. He said he was eating the furniture instead. Howard said he thinks one year he ate an entire bedroom set. He said he never went without. He said he hasn't been hungry since.
Howard said Beth got tested and she came out perfect. He said she has the worst diet. He said it doesn't make any sense. He said she had to cut out the Lucky Charms though. He said her sugar levels were up but she cut that out and they went down.
Robin said everyone is different and some people can get away with that and some cant. She said that Linda McCartney was a vegetarian and she died very young. Robin said it's a crap shoot with your body. Howard said he doesn't like getting old. He said his psychiatrist said that narcissists have the hardest time with aging. He said that he got that right. Robin said that she didn't know he was diagnosed as a narcissist. Howard said they're both getting by.
Howard said that Mariann from Brooklyn asked if there's one good question in there.
Howard read some of the comments they got about Bobo's questions last week. He had one where a guy said that Bobo got one of Fred's movie roles wrong when he called the movie ''Two Ninjas'' instead of ''Two Ninas.'' Fred did the Bobo Puppet voice and had Bobo screwing up movie names.
Bobo said he wanted to bring up the catheter story that Howard told. He said he had to have that done to him six times in one day. He said that he was out for an hour for surgery once. He said that he had the surgery and they did it one time there and he had to go to the emergency room and had to have it done again. He said he equates that pain to child birth. Howard said he's sorry he went through that. He hung up on him after that.
Howard wondered if he had that all written down or if he went off the cuff. They played a song parody about Bobo.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that it's all about Howard when she calls in unlike when Bobo calls. She asked if he saw the Bruce Springsteen special on Sunday morning. Howard said he did. Mariann said he looks amazing for his age. Howard thought she was talking about him. Howard said that he saw that Jane Pauley is the host of CBS Sunday Morning. He said she's been working all these years right through it all. Robin said she took some time off.
Mariann said that she'd urge everyone to watch that special. She said that she thinks Howard will get Bruce on one of these days. Howard said Jane is married to the guy who makes the comics, Gary Trudeau. He said that he writes Doonsbury. He said he would get knocked in those comics. He said that he assumed that Jane must hate him too. He said when he put his book, Howard Stern Comes Again, out Jane was very nice about it. He said who knows if she hates him or not.
Mariann said that she has another suggestion. She wanted to ask about Dave Chappelle and other things. Fred was playing her off with music but Mariann just kept talking. Howard said she has 18 pages of notes. He said he was trying to have a conversation with her but she has a lot of thoughts she wants to get out. He said she may not be good at dinner parties.
Howard said it seems that Bruce Springsteen and Obama are good pals. He said they did a podcast together and a book together. He said that he's not sure he'd even want that. Howard said he's a big fan of Obama's. He said he was so good and such a leader. He said he uplifted people. He said he had a tremendous feeling for this guy. He said it seems like Bruce has to do a lot of hanging out with him. He said he likes friendships where no one asks anything of the other person. He said he likes Jimmy Kimmel because he doesn't ask him to do a book or a podcast. He said he called Jimmy on Thursday night and wanted to get his take on the news. He said they had a nice conversation. He said there's no discussion about doing a book or a podcast. He said it seems like a lot of work.
Howard said Bruce was saying that you should have friends when you're older. He said he thinks he has enough with his wife. He said that she's his best friend. Robin said that he shouldn't think like that. She said if something happens then he'll be in trouble. Howard said he's not sure he could handle that. He said he has a plan to move in with Robin if something happens to his wife. He said Robin will be in charge of taking care of him. He said you have no idea how hard it is to take care of him. Robin said yes she does.
Howard said he knows he's difficult. He said he had to make doctor appointments and he hasn't sure how to coordinate them so Beth took over. He said that it would take her like 2 minutes to do it. He said he needs a lot of care. Robin said Howard would scream when something he needs isn't around. Howard said he just did that the other day.
Howard said he has these bowls he paints with and this guy Rick Rosen is a guy who taught him how to paint. He said he was on the phone with the guy the other day and he asked him to get a bowl and mix some paint. Howard said he was screaming when he wasn't able to find the mixing bowls. He said he was yelling out cunt and other words. He said he started accusing people of stealing the bowls. He said they were there but they were all full of paint already. He said he blames the world for everything. He said he can't solve anything.
Apples said that he thinks Bobo missed something about Saturday Night Live when Rami Malek was on. Howard said he's killing him now. He said he's taking too long to get to it. Howard asked what his point was about it. Apples said they did a sketch where they hypnotized a security guy and he thought it was very derivative. Howard said who cares.
Apples said that Stephanie went to an EDC and she took a helicopter there. Howard asked what's going on there. He said he knew there was a reason that Ronnie was doing that. Ronnie said she went with a bunch of people and one of the girls was the girlfriend of the guy who runs the helicopter thing. He asked what's wrong with that. Howard said there's nothing wrong with it. He asked when he hung out with helicopters and stuff. Ronnie said he's known these people for like 6 years. He told them that he didn't go to that concert. He said if he liked that kind of music he would have went. Howard said he would have ''gone.'' Ronnie said he's going to keep tweeting about that helicopter guy. He said they're friends. He said if he wants to mention them he does mention them. He said he mentions Kurt all the time.
Howard said he's just amazed at the level of friends that Ronnie has developed. He said he has become a mover and a shaker. He said he's not sure why Ronnie gets so upset with Apples for bringing this stuff up. Ronnie said he has to call in every day with every move they make. He said it's fucking stupid.
Ronnie said this guy is hated so much. He said he sees what people say about him online.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Apples isn't even a real name. He said he goes around using that but Ronnie is out living the life. He said that Apples has the balls to sit behind his computer desk without giving his real name. He said that he might be jealous of both of them. Howard said he's jealous of Ronnie. He said Ronnie has the right idea. He said he has his girlfriend flying around in helicopters. He said he's friends with a NASCAR driver. He said he jerks off to NASCAR. Ronnie said watch Kurt Busch race.
Howard said he feels like Ronnie doesn't deserve it. He said he liked it better when he was living in Queens and driving. He said he wanted to get on the air just like Ralph. He said that his biggest friend was Wayne Siegel for a while. He said he feels like people hang out with Ronnie because he's on the show. He said he's not that interesting. Ronnie said he and Kurt have a lot in common. He said when they get together, look out. Howard asked if he runs around yelling cunt. Apples said that Ronnie knows about cars and stuff so that's what they must talk about. Ronnie told Apples he doesn't want him sticking up for him. Apples said he loves him even if he doesn't love him. Ronnie said he hates him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he feels like Ronnie is the one blowing this out of proportion. He said that Apples is a good guy and he's just talking about what he sees online. He asked if there's anything that Apples can do to make it up to Ronnie. Ronnie said he can hang up the fucking phone and never call again, that's what he can do.
Howard said there you have it. He said Ronnie's girlfriend went on a helicopter ride with some friends. Ronnie said that she has been on it before. He said she's been to the grand Canyon a few times. He said fly Maverick when you're in Vegas.
Apples asked if he can get him a discount. Ronnie said he wont get anything from him.
Apples said that whenever Ronnie posts something he gets messages from people. He said they Hashtag stuff and she had tagged a bunch of things and one of them was about #EveryDayCarry. Apples asked if he carries. Ronnie said he does carry every day but he doesn't know if that's what she was referring to. He said that she may have been tagging a band name for all he knows.
Howard let Apples go and talked about the concert more with Ronnie. Ronnie said that concert goes on the whole weekend. He said it's weird shit. He said it's a big deal thing. Howard thanked Ronnie for the update. He said he's telling them everything he can tell. Ronnie said they're moving into the new house this week.
Howard took a call from the fake owner of Maverick who was saying that he's going to sell a logo to Ronnie to put on screen whenever he's on. Ronnie said he has no problem with that. The guy asked Howard to just say ''Fly Maverick, the official helicopter of the Howard Stern Show'' he'd appreciate it. Howard said they get the joke. He let the guy go.
Howard said Ronnie is living the live that Hugh Hefner used to live. Ronnie said he wishes. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and asked Gary why the Jets suck so bad. Gary said they are the laughing stock of football and sports. He said they keep ending up in pop culture references. He said they keep getting quarterbacks and ruin them. He said they teach them bad habits and they suck. Howard asked if it's the bad management or what. Gary said they have a good General Manager and a good coach that he really likes. Gary said they haven't been able to turn things into much. He said he's not sure if they can even win another game this season.
Gary said the Jets were winless last season. He said they got good draft picks but then the blew it with their picks. He said he's not sure if they could have gotten Tom Brady and Tom would be as good as he is now. He said that they just ruin players.
Gary said the guy they drafted this year didn't make it to the second half. Howard said Belichick just loves beating the Jets. He said it's unreal.
Howard said there are radio guys who are in radio for years and just never get ratings. He said that must be what it's like. He said that people don't want to be on the Jets. Gary said he's sure there are people who don't want to be part of that team. Howard said that's pretty bad.
Howard let Gary go and took a call from a guy who said he loves SiriusXM and they have a Water Colors channel. He asked if Howard puts that on. Howard said no but he knows they have it. He said that he listens to the playback of Tom Morello's show. He said he figured out how to go into the app to listen to on demand stuff. He said if he pauses it then it starts from the beginning. He said he thinks it's because he goes through Sonos. He said he has to figure that out.
Howard said he does not listen to Water Colors while painting water colors. He said he used to have playlists for when he was in the gym and stuff and now he has no need for heavy metal music when he lifts. He said he's not lifting that much now.
Howard said he meant to ask Gary about the top quarterback who wanted to stay in college so he wouldn't get drafted by the Jets. Gary said that was a rumor. He said it happens a lot.
Howard said that someone wrote in about Gary and how he doesn't have to meet with him in person and if he has to clear his throat still. Gary said he still does. He said that he has a cough button. He said that he still has to do it and it may not be psychological. Howard said it sucks that they gave him the cough button.
Howard said he has the hopeful prediction that they can start going back to the studio a little bit when they start giving the vaccine to kids 5-12 years old. He said he isn't hearing things like Gary clearing his throat. Robin said they miss some stuff when they're not in the studio. She said they don't see Gary eating his plantains and things like that.
Howard said what would drive him crazy was when he'd be eating and Gary would come in and clear his throat in person. He said it was so loud that he wanted to throw up. He said it was so disgusting.
Howard said he finally told Gary to leave the room when he clears his throat. He said Gary started doing it out in the hallway so he was still hearing it. He said then Gary started doing a really quiet throat clearing thing he was doing. He said he was doing it while other people were talking. He said he wasn't able to concentrate when people were talking and Gary was throat clearing. He said he thought Gary was making it all about himself. He said that it was constant. He said just sit there with the shit in your throat. Gary said that wasn't making it about himself. Howard said it is and he doesn't even realize it. He said he has a tremendous verbal drive and he just has to do things like that to get attention.
Howard said it's like Morse code going on. He said Gary started doing that and he complained about that. He said everyone was hearing it and Gary didn't get how they heard it. He said Gary went to the doctor and he was told he had something growing in there. Gary said that's not true. Howard said that's right, it was fungus on his toes. He said it was just horrible that he had this throat clearing thing going on.
Robin asked if it goes on all day. Gary said he thinks he has it all day. He said he was drinking hot water for awhile and that wasn't working. He said Howard got annoyed by his hot water.
Howard asked Will about Gary clearing his throat around him. Will said it was disgusting. He said a lot of times Gary would go into the hall to clear his throat. He said sometimes he'd go into the green room to do it alone. He said they all knew it.
JD said that they used to go to meetings and Gary would follow everyone and clear his throat in the hall before they got in there. He was cracking up telling that story. Howard said he's fascinated by Gary. He asked JD about what Gary would do thinking that his throat clearing wasn't being heard. JD said Gary would stay behind for a second and wait in the hall to clear it before coming in. Howard said Gary would hang back and just clear it right before.
Gary said that the initial clearing would start in the car on the way to work. He said he'd start to talk in the car to make sure it was clear. He said then he'd get to work and it was unclear again. Howard said that's it, they have to go back to the studio tomorrow. He said that they miss Gary so much. Gary said he doesn't miss any of this stuff.
Robin said that Scarlet Johansson got her own movie and she settled on a crappy script. Howard said he had 22 scripts done for Private Parts. He said they were threatening to have someone else play him. He said The Batman is coming out in March of 2022.
Howard read more feedback about Ronnie's move and the stuff that was ruined in the move. He said someone asked about Ronnie having confirmation pictures for his family and they thought he was Jewish. Howard said Ronnie is but his wife wasn't.
Howard played a clip of Wendy talking to Jason and she was coughing a lot. She said she was feeling better though. Jason found out that they had moved to Georgia and weren't able to get to a doctor since July. They were just told to stay home in bed.
Howard said he thinks that she didn't get vaccinated and she had COVID and bad diarrhea with that. Howard said Wendy hasn't left her home since July 1st. Howard said they must have been finally able to get her inside the house.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks that Tan Mom got vaccinated. Robin said she says no. Howard played a clip of Tan Mom saying she got vaccinated. She said she felt she had to do that for her children. She said she lives in Florida and they heard ambulances all the time down there. She said she decided to get the shot to be there for her children.
Howard said next they have Lenny Dykstra. Robin said she's thinking he hasn't isolated once during this whole thing. Howard asked if he got vaccinated. Robin said she's going to say no. Howard said he's going to say the same thing. He said sometimes he seems to be illogical. Howard played a clip of Lenny saying that he'll take any drugs so of course he got it. Howard asked what's going on there. It sounded like something was going in on his mouth.
Howard said he thinks that he just said he is vaccinated. Howard replayed the clip of Lenny saying that he's not stupid so of course he got vaccinated.
Howard said the guys told him that Lenny was gumming a sandwich when he was talking to them about the vaccine.
Howard said up next is Will the Farter. He said that his mother died of COVID. Howard asked if he has gotten vaccinated. Robin said they haven't had information like that. She said she would hope he got vaccinated. Howard said sometimes his logic is weird. Howard played the clip and Will said he has not gotten vaccinated. He said he already had it once and maybe twice. He said from what he read when you have the virus you have more immunity than a person who has been vaccinated. He said he doesn't like medical procedures. He said that he doesn't like needles and something that has been out for only a year. Howard said he may hate needles but he will really hate ventilators.
Howard said he has Elephant Boy next. He said he's a big Trump supporter but he had a heart condition. Hard played the clip of Elephant Boy saying that he has been vaccinated.
Howard said in January Debbie the Cum Lady said she wasn't going to get vaccinated. Robin said she thinks she stuck to her guns. Howard played the clip and she said she was going to get it because some guy asked her to. In the clip she was telling Sal about what she'll do for a good load.
Howard said how about Mark the Bagger. He said he shoots jizz on his carpets so he's not hung up on germs. Robin said she wonders about his medical conditions. She said he has some issues so maybe he did. Howard played the clip and Mark said he did get vaccinated but he said he got the ''McDermitt'' version.
Howard said that Ass Napkin Ed has some whacked out thoughts. He said that he thinks that Dr. Fauci works for CNN so he's not believing anything he says. Robin said she thinks he's not vaccinated. Howard played the clip and Ed said that they're deadly so he's not getting the vaccine. He said they inject abortions into people. Howard said he just doesn't want abortions injected into him.
Howard said he can only imagine that kind of research he's doing. He said it must be very thorough. Howard said that Ed also thinks that the vaccination is out there to get rid of people over time. Robin asked why that is and what will be left. Howard said if you watch James Bond you see they're in it for the real estate or something. He said there's evil intentions.
Howard said he just knows that Ed's ass worms are very nervous that they might lose their host.
Howard said Underdog, Suzanne Muldowney, is up next. Robin said that she's not sure how to figure out how she thinks. Howard said that he's not sure if she'd get it. Robin said she thinks it's yes. Howard played the clip where Chris was talking to Suzanne and she said she has been vaccinated but it hurt when she got the needle.
Howard said here's some fun. He said they took the drops from that call to Suzanne and called an anti-vaccination show. He said this is the phony phone call with Underdog on an Anti-Vax show. Howard played the clip and Chris called in with Suzanne and had her telling the hosts about getting her first shot. they were about to give her the second shot and they had Suzanne crying over that. The hosts told her not to do it because it's completely unsafe. They had Suzanne getting really upset and then breaking down and singing a song. One of the hosts said this is like Nazi Germany with the shots because they killed people in Germany that way.
Robin said she loves their take on history with the shots thing. Howard said they're going to end the show now. He said thanks to Robin for today. He said that they'll have Billy Joel on Wednesday's show. They ended the show around 10:10am.
Howard started the show talking about getting some dick on today's show. Fred was playing Robin saying some dick stuff at the start of the show so Howard was referring to those. Howard said they're doing Stupid Penis Tricks on today's show. He said they all have tremendous endowment. He said Robin will be impressed. Robin said she's starting to question that. Howard said she may go gay after this.
Howard said he has a bunch of things he wants to get to. He said he was reading about Trump and he wants to talk about that. He said they're talking about the shooting on the set of this movie that Alec Baldwin was doing. He said some people are saying there's not enough information about it. He said he's not sure but it's a fucking tragedy. He said the woman is dead. Robin asked why people need information so quickly. Howard said it makes people nervous. He said they find something relatively quickly. He said they had a lot of witnesses and things. He said there's news about people who were on the set that they're trying to pin it on. He said there are no actual facts coming out. He said it's rumors. Robin said social media is also a situation because people publish things about it. She said you don't have just one authority telling you what's been found.
Howard said he just keeps reading about how talented this woman was and how tough it is to get into that field for women. Robin said that's only because men won't let you. Howard said that's right. He said it's very difficult.
Howard said people ask him about it and he just thinks it's a tragedy. He said they don't have any guns in the radio business. Robin said the woman is going to be gone with whatever happened.
Howard said he got this horrible message from Jeff the Drunk. He said that was shocking. He said when he doesn't pick up on him he gets a scathing message from him. He said he has to get his attention. He said he cries and whines about not getting on the show. He said Chris Wilding told him that he had to explain to Jeff the Drunk about why he doesn't pick up. He said it was when he had Mick Jagger on the show for 35 minutes. He said Chris told Jeff maybe that's not the best time to call in. He said Jeff didn't seem to understand why that was a problem.
Chris said he loves Jeff and he has interesting things to say sometimes. He said on this day he was upset he hadn't picked up on him. He said he was thinking he might be done with him. He said he told him about Mick Jagger and how he only had like 40 minutes with him. He said to pick up on him might be a bit of a stumble. He said Jeff was very upset. He said it's always after he has a big guest on the show that he gets upset.
Howard said in Jeff's defense he sees the phones at 6 in the morning and Jeff is already on the line. He said Jeff and Bobo are both on. He said he saw Bobo is on this morning already. He said that he wanted to know about the Munsters reboot that Rob Zombie is doing. He said he wants his thoughts on that. He said the other thing up there is Jeff the Drunk wanting to talk about High Pitch Erik.
Howard said you have to hear this message he got from Jeff. He played the clip and Jeff was screaming about not getting any air time and just about crying about it.
Howard said Jeff was making Cameos and he lost his Social Security and over the summer people forgot about him so he's upset about that. Chris said he's shocked he's on the phone today because he told him he quit the show. He said he didn't want to call in when he told him Howard told him to call in. Howard said maybe he gave his 2 weeks notice.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk and said maybe he should be done with him. He said he's very rude to him. He said it's not the Howard and Jeff show. He said it's the Howard Stern Show. Jeff said Howard is rude to him. Howard asked how. Jeff said he never picks up on him. Howard said he does pick up on him on occasion. He said most times he does he has nothing to say. Jeff said Chris told him to call in yesterday. He said he was going to call in about the vaccine thing. Howard did his impression of Jeff mumbling his words. Robin said she didn't hear one intelligible word. Howard told him to put his teeth in. Jeff said fuck you. He said he doesn't have teeth.
Howard said he can't understand one thing he's saying. He thought he had hung up. Howard said his phone sounds better now. He said he was on speaker. He said he always tell him not to do that and they have to start over again. He said this is why he's annoying. Jeff said he's still on speaker. Howard said no he's not. Jeff said he knows when he's on speaker. Howard said get off speaker and talk into the receiver. Jeff said he is.
Howard asked what he wants. Jeff asked if he can tell him about High Pitch Erik. Howard said sure. Jeff said he heard that Erik is not allowed on the set of Blue Bloods because he's not vaxxed. Howard said he checked with Donnie Wahlberg and he is allowed on the set but he has not shown up there and Donnie isn't sure why. He said he's not banned. Jeff said okay.
Howard said it seems to be jealousy with Erik. He said he's always complaining about Erik. Chris said that he called Jeff to find out if he's vaccinated and he went into a High Pitch Erik accusation thing. Howard said he didn't set this up. Jeff said he does. Howard said bullshit. Jeff said that they do set it up.
Howard said Jeff is jealous if Erik's Cameo income. He said he doesn't get why the audience doesn't like him over Erik. Jeff said it's because he puts Erik on the show all the time like a regular person. He said he doesn't give him air time. Howard said this is the jealousy. He said that maybe Erik is more talented than him. Jeff said fuck you. Howard said maybe he's more talented. He said he may capture the audience's imagination. Robin said it's like the Kardashians and Kim is the queen bee. Howard said Erik has that ''It'' factor. He said he puts Jeff on the show but not every day. He said he can't build the show around Jeff. He said he'd be a loser. Howard said Jeff wants to be a star and he wants you to pay a ton of money on Cameo for him. Jeff said Erik has full benefits. He said he doesn't get how he has that. Howard said he has nothing to do with that. Jeff said he gets his social security taken away because he reports his income. Howard said he's not in charge of that.
Howard said he's so jealous of Erik. He said that he's just complaining about him. He said he's in a war with him. He said that he's jealous of a loser. He said he's at the bottom of the barrel. Jeff said Howard is the one who brings it up.
Chris said that Jeff is the one who brings it up. He said that he is very jealous of his Cameo success and Erik has taken off for whatever reason. Howard said he was watching Dancing with the Stars last night and Olivia Jade is on the show. He said she gets very high scores for her dancing. He said every time they do an elimination round she's at the bottom. He said the judges don't understand it. He said America is bringing down her score and she doesn't get it. She said maybe America doesn't like her. He said she's right. He said they don't like her because of her cheating to get her way into college. He said she knew what was going on and her parents knew. He said America doesn't like people who cheat to get into school. He said she cheated to get into USC of all places. He said cheat your way to get into Harvard at least. Howard said no one wants her to have fun. He said she cheated her way into USC and they want someone like JoJo Siwa to win instead.
Howard said Jeff has this problem because he doesn't get why. He said he knows why and he should do something about it. He said to be jealous of High Pitch Erik is a sad commentary on his life. He said Erik is at the bottom of the barrel. He said he's an outcast and someone people shun. He said no one in society is supposed to envy Erik. He said Jeff does though. He said Jeff says that Erik gets everything. He said it's like being jealous of someone who was at the lowest of the low. He said he's barely human. He said he's like Elephant Man. He said that people were jealous of that guy and beat him up. He said Jeff is jealous of someone like that.
Howard had High Pitch Erik on the phone to rebut this whole thing. Erik got on and Jeff hung right up. Erik said Jeff is a baby. He said he doesn't call in every day like he does. He said he's participating with Sal like he wanted him to. Chris said Jeff was just in Vegas doing a signing. He said he did a meet and greet.
Erik said that Blue Bloods is very strict with COVID and that's why they're not using a lot of people there. He said that Jeff doesn't know anything. Howard said right. He asked if Erik is vaccinated. Erik said he is fully vaccinated.
Howard said that was a lie then. Robin said Jeff is totally obsessed. Howard said he's inviting Jeff to call back but he's done with him if he doesn't. He said he had the chance for some air time and now it's gone.
Howard said he did a side by side with the Cameo business. He said Erik does deliver his Cameos with more energy. He said Jeff has to amp up his energy level. He said that he has a side by side. He played a clip of Jeff doing one and then had Erik doing a Cameo for a fan. Jeff was very slow and didn't have a lot of energy. Howard played Erik's Cameo and he was much more energetic than Jeff.
Howard said that's a performance. He said you have to admit that. Robin said it is higher than Jeff's. Howard said that's worth $75. Erik said starting next week if people want him to dress up like Kelly Clarkson he's going to be doing that. Howard said he has costuming involved now. Erik said for the holidays he's going to dress up like Santa Claus. Howard said that Jeff hung up on him after he got Erik on and he tried to give him some air time. He said he can never do right by Jeff. Erik said he guarantees he'll call back when he hangs up.
Howard said he was not kicked off the set of Blue Bloods like Jeff said. Erik said if Jeff calls back he'll call back. Howard let Erik go after that.
Robin said Erik can even end a call unlike Jeff. Howard said he's seen that costume that Erik wears for Kelly Clarkson. He said it's very impressive. He said that he shows his belly. He said one time he was bent over and saw his ass crack and thought it was really Kelly Clarkson.
Howard said he's sorry Jeff is angry with him but he does love him. He said that he can't always pick up on him though. He said he knows Bobo gets upset with him too. He said people think he doesn't like them but he has a show and he can't interrupt Mick Jagger or Billy Joel to hear about Jeff's problems.
Robin said a few months ago they were installing a walk in shower for Jeff in that trailer of his. Howard said that's right. He said he has a lot going on in there. Howard said Jeff is on Cameo so feel free to use his service. Robin wondered what state he's in when he hangs up. Howard said he screams and yells. He said he has seen video of it before. He said one time on the show years ago he let Jeff come in with Carly Simon and he thinks that ruined him. He said it was a stupid move on his part because he thinks he should be on the show doing that all the time. He said they did it with Willie Nelson too. He said then Jeff got crazy and he has a list of complaints against him. He said he's the only person in the world who has taken any interest in him. Howard played some audio of Jeff singing with Carly Simon.
Howard said he had to cut it off. He said that it's so funny in life that it was Jeff's high point in life but Carly's low point. He said that she's written songs that people have heard around the world and she's singing with Jeff the Drunk.
Howard said he was saying that it was Jeff's downfall because he's like a pigeon feeding. He said he's going to keep coming back. Howard said he's like the old man feeding the pigeons. Robin said Jeff doesn't see the difference between himself and Erik. She said Erik just does things. She said Jeff complains about not doing things.
Howard had to put that on hold and took another call from Jeff the Drunk and told him he's moving on. Jeff asked him to please leave him on so he can listen. Howard said hold on. Howard said he claims his phone dropped.
Howard got back to Stephanie Grisham. He said Trump hates anyone who writes a book about him. He said that he liked her but now he hates her. He said this woman says that Trump called Stephanie and told her that his penis is not toad stool shaped or small. He said he called from Air Force One to tell her that. Howard said he was so thrown by that. He said he wanted her to have a press conference about that.
Howard said Stephanie claims that Trump cuts his own hair with giant scissors. He said they're giant like ribbon cutting scissors. He said she also claims that he didn't tell the press that he was having a colonoscopy because he didn't want to be the butt of jokes. He said he was also kind of freaked out that they had to put him under so they didn't put him under. He said when they put you under they have to turn over responsibilities to the Vice President. He said that Trump went under it without being put under. He said that's fucking crazy. He said he's calling fake news on that. He asked if he really heard that.
Howard answered a knock on the door and it was fake Donald Trump. He said he does not have a mushroom like penis. He said that he has a really meaty penis. Howard asked if he hates that. Fake Trump said that the book is fake on fake paper made in China.
Howard answered another knock on the door and it was Fake Arnold going off on Trump. They went at each other about their penis sizes. Arnold said his is so big he can do dumbbell curls with it. Fake Trump and Arnold were going back and forth with insults.
Howard said this reminds him of when Trump and AJ Benza went at each other. Trump and Arnold kept trading insults. Arnold said that they have to settle this one and for all. He said he wants to have a cock off. He banged his cock on his microphone. Trump told him to listen to this. He tapped his penis on his microphone but said he thought that would be more impressive.
Howard said this is like the Lincoln / Douglas debates. He said that must be what it was like to be around then. Arnold and Trump were banging their cocks on their microphones and playing Wipeout. Howard asked what they're doing. Trump said he's beating his on his desk.
Howard said they could settle this once and for all by doing it separately. Arnold went first and played Wipeout on his desk. The two of them went back and forth with more insults after that. They were still banging their cocks on their desks.
Howard said this is crazy. He wrapped up with the two of them. Arnold said his donkey is getting upset. He said he has to get back to his penis. He said he thinks they have gained a little respect from one another. Trump said he's impressed with himself of course. Howard let the two of them go after that. Arnold was still there and playing Zeppelin with his cock.
Howard said now everyone is gone. He said seal that door closed. He said he loves a good political debate. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Miley told him that she thinks of her dog when she sings this song. He said they have a situation in their house and he gets it. He said they have this 3 year old Persian cat in the house and it came there covered in feces and was completely neglected. He said it has an enlarged heart and it can barely walk. He said they have had the cat for like a week and he's making strides. He said that they had him shaved and full medical and all of that. He said that he gets so emotional from it. He said they named him Grogu because he looked like Yoda. He said that Baby Yoda is Grogu. He said that's how they got the name. He said he has this fantasy about this cat making it like Yoda did when he came to them with a heart condition. He said that they were told that this is different because he has an enlarged heart and he can drop dead at any time. He said he's doing so well though.
Howard said he's so attached to this little guy that they're thinking of keeping him. He said if he dies he's going to be wrecked. He said he'll be like a wrecking ball like Miley. He said he has to send Robin some videos. Robin said bring him in right now. Howard said maybe he should. He said he looks like a poodle after being shaved. He said his fur is growing back though. He said he's really cute.
Howard said Beth told him that he could just give up and his heart could burst and he's done. He said he's doing so well now. He said for 3 years he was neglected and now he's getting the love. He said he's so happy walking around the house. He said he's hanging out with the other cats and playing. He said Grogu came into his life like a Wrecking Ball. He was singing that to the tune of Miley's song.
Howard said he can't take it with the cats. He said they have so much that they do for these foster cats. He said they give this stuff away with the cats when they adopt them out. He said Beth will give the families stuff that the cats like. He said you should see the money that he's spending. He said Beth says that some people donate but not everyone. He said one lady was so rich and she didn't give a dime. He said they must figure he foots the bill. He said he does it gladly but you should see what they leave with. He said Beth gave one woman 2 weeks worth of food. He said he told Beth that they can take care of that. He said that he doesn't want cats leaving without stuff. He said they bought Grogu a Tesla. He said the cats are so defenseless. He said there's no advocacy for them. He said they do this for them. Robin said Persians can't clean themselves. She said they have been totally manipulated by man and they can't take care of themselves. Howard said they have to brush Yoda like 3 or 4 times a day. He said Grogu was cleaning his asshole last night and he was like ''Good for you!'' He said now he's making headway.
Howard said it's a heartbreaking thing to do animal rescue. He said he's ready to jump off a cliff. He said that he can't take it. Robin said Beth must know he can't handle it. Howard said he screams and yells about it. He said Beth tells him stories and he gets charged up from it. He said he wants to get on the phone with these people. Howard said they're overrun with cats. He said he gets so fucked in the head from this nonsense. He said Beth brings up these problems and he's the problem solver. He said Beth won't let him do it.
Robin said at one time Howard was screaming about people not wearing masks on his walk and now Beth gives him the cat problems. She said that his walks should be free of all of that. She said they should be admiring nature and not telling stories. Howard said this isn't how Beth thinks it should go. He said he doesn't bring his phone on the walk. He said that he doesn't want work shit or anything. He said Beth brings her phone. He said he'll tell her to leave it home but she won't do it. He said she has to get bulletins about the cats. He said then she tells him what's going on and he goes crazy. He said it doesn't go over well when he tells her not to bring it up. He said they have so much going on with the cats and she can't leave it alone.
Howard said she'll ask where he wants to walk and he says ''Into the ocean.'' He said he won't bring up not bringing the phone with her. He said that he gets yelled at. He said that he has learned to just walk and look at the trees. He said that he'll look for things to paint. He said he thinks about how much time he has left not his earth. He said he doesn't share that with other people. He said he thinks about not falling down or having a heart attack.
Howard said Robert is 36 years old and from Michigan. Howard asked what it was like doing the audition. Robert said he loves getting naked and whipping it out. He said he loves showing it off. Howard said his penis is like an inch flaccid. He said to have a show like this with a 9 inch hard cock and 5 inch thick cock must be something. He asked when it occurred to him that he had a big one. Robert said he grew up thinking he had the smallest dick in the world. He said he looked around and saw the other kids in school who had the small ones. He said he realized then he had a big one. He said his father and brother have big ones too. Howard said having a big dick is so freeing. He said you can go to a nudist colony and not be ashamed. Robert said he should be happy and proud. Howard said he can't do that. He said it's horrible for him. He said it's like a tiny egg in a bird's nest.
Howard said Robert is circumcised but he has stretched the skin so much that he has a lot of extra skin down there. He asked if he had tricks ready to go when he went in for the audition. Robert said he did some tricks that they do in their show. He said he did a few of those things.
Howard asked Robert what he's going to be doing today. He said he's so jealous he can't even tell you. Howard asked how long it takes to learn these tricks like the Hamburger trick. Robert said that it takes a while. He said the hamburger is kind of easy. He said there are others like the Eiffel Tower that take a long time. He said you have to go home and work on it in the mirror. He said you get hard and have to wait. Howard asked if he gets hard if it ruins the show. Robert said it does ruin the show. He said he has had some close calls. He said you may look at someone you know and you have to pull out of a trick fast.
Howard asked if kids should not try this at home. Robert said he has never damaged his penis but he has stretched it. He said he has more foreskin and his balls can go quite a ways. He said that anyone and everyone should try the hamburger but other than that leave it to the professionals. Howard said the hamburger is the balls and the penis in the middle.
Howard asked why he never went on America's Got Talent when he was on. Robert said there's something about nudity on TV. Howard said that must be Simon Cowell who is against that.
Howard said Robert is gay and he once fucked an audience member. He asked i the guy got turned on by the show. Robert said it was kind of an arranged thing. He said they were friends. Howard said everyone has their groupies.
Robin asked how his partner handles all of this. Robert said he met him after he was doing it already so he's okay with it. Howard asked if his partner can take it in the ass. Robert said he can. Howard said he's some guy to take that. Howard said Robin never had a 9 inch guy when she did anal. Robin said never that big. Howard said it sounds like Robin was with a woman.
Howard asked Robert to get down to business. He said he has a 9 inch penis and he can do amazing things. He said he's going to do 3 tricks. He said he's doing the hamburger trick where the balls are the buns and the penis is the patty. He had Robert do his thing. Howard said ''wow'' when he saw that. Robin said that's amazing. Howard asked how many tricks he can do. Robert said he can do about 40. Robin said that must hurt. Robert said no. Howard said the man is a pro. He said it looked more like Thor's hammer than a burger. He asked if he has some comedy he does when he does this. Robert said they have a light script of jokes.
Howard said up next is the baby bird trick. He had Robert do that. Robert did the trick and it's supposed to be like a bird in a nest. Howard and Robin both gave him a ''Wow!'' Howard said that's something. He asked why he hired Richard and Sal when he could have hired this guy.
Howard said this next one is the Loch Ness Monster. He had him do that trick and Robert said this one is not easy. He did the trick and got some laughs from Robin and Howard. Robert had it looking around. Howard said he's a talent. He asked Richard what he thinks of this. He said they should be ashamed of themselves. Richard said he's jealous and he's blown away by this. He said he can't do anything with his dick. Howard said he can't either. He said all he can do is bang with it. Robert said he thinks they can do the burger. Richard said he can't. He said he wouldn't be able to get any of that done.
Howard said Robin is putting up her number on a piece of paper for Robert. He said she has to behave like a professional. Howard said you can get tickets to that show on Vegas.com.
Howard said next up is Mike from Canada. He said he's just an ordinary guy and he's in disguise. He said he's the prime minister of Canada actually. He said Mike does a Ballooning Penis trick. He asked how big he is. Mike said he's maybe 4 to 5 inches soft and maybe 8 hard. Howard said Richard looks like a kid in Disneyland seeing the tea cups for the first time. He said Chris Wilding must be going insane over this too. He said he loves cock and he's always talking about it. He asked Chris what he thinks. Chris said he's been a fan of the Puppetry of the Penis guys for a long time. He said that he thinks Robert is cute too.
Howard said he didn't mean to interrupt. He said Mike from Canada does this ballooning penis trick. He said Robin is going to be blown away. He said this is something he does in the shower. Mike said that's correct. Howard said he's not gay either. Mike said he's married 5 years happily. Howard asked what he does and why he's in disguise. Mike said he's just in disguise so they can keep a low profile. He said the trick started in his late teens. He said he was trying it figure out what to do with the skin hanging off his dick. He said you get a good seal on your foreskin and then you urinate into it and it takes a minute or so before it's full. He said then you let it go. Howard said you take your foreskin and seal it shut and pee inside the foreskin and then you blow it up like a balloon and then release it. Mike said you do and then you let it out in the shower. Howard said Robin looks excited about this. Robin said she does want to see it. She said she was wondering how you get water in there. She said of course he pees.
Chris said he's done this before. He said that you just have to seal the end of it. He said he's not hearing something that impressive. Richard said Sal used to save his semen in there in his pouch. Howard said anyone can pee in their pouch but Mike is saying he has a nice size balloon.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was Fun George Takei who was looking Howard to this. He asked Brad to come and help him fold his penis into the same of the Starship Enterprise. He was asking Mike to do some other tricks with his penis too.
Howard asked if Mike is a fan of George. Mike said he is. He said he's more of a fan since he started coming on the show. Howard said he heard that Mike's wife was the one who told him to do this on the show. Mike said she did encourage him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he did try this one at home. He said when he was in college he and a fraternity member had long penises and they tried to do tricks. He said they did the helicopter and fire hose and then went to other tricks. He said he thinks he broke his penis. Howard said he's glad he called in. He said you have to be a professional to do this stuff. He said they're very talented performers here. He said they are to be admired. He said that Greg, on the phone, probably broke his penis. Greg said he goes completely to the right. Howard said Greg feels he broke his penis doing a stunt. He said this is a cautionary tale for Cocktober.
Howard said they're going to take a look at Mike doing his stunt now. He said that his mother brought him to the doctor and he had some pain in his foreskin. Mike said it wasn't really pain but his foreskin didn't break so he had to do exercises he had to do to keep stretching the skin back. He said he remembers it taking like 6-8 months to get it to come off the head of his penis. Howard said now he's going to do his ballooning penis trick. Howard had Mike go for it. He was in the shower performing the trick. Howard said Mike is squeezing the end of his foreskin. He said his penis will expand in width. He said now he's urinating in the pouch. He said it's starting to expand. Chris said it's like a blowfish. Richard said it's like a carnival game where you squirt a balloon. Howard said the dam just broke. Howard said that's something. He said that's not easy to do. He said that's some expansion he has there. Chris said he's never done it that far. He said he's just a hobbyist.
Howard asked how Mike feels. Mike said he's good. He said he's just glad to be on the show. Richard said he was able to pee when it counts too.
Howard said up next is Pierce Paris. He asked if he's impressed with the other guys. Pierce said he is. He said he's not sure how you come up with that stuff. Howard said he's called one of the great cock performers of all time. He said he's going to do something called The French Keister. Chris said Pierce is hot. He said he has a good look. Fun George said his imagination is running wild. Howard asked if Pierce is gay or straight. Pierce said he's more pan sexual. He said he can have sex with anyone. Chris said that's cool.
Howard said Pierce Paris is an interesting name. Pierce said that's his stage name. Howard asked how he came up with that. Pierce said that he's an adult film performer. He said he's been in 650 films. Richard asked if Chris has seen any. Chris said maybe he has.
Howard said this is an incredible trick and they're very interested in this. He asked how he came up with his name. Pierce said growing up he was a big fan of Pierce Brosnan and he liked the city of Paris so he put them together.
Howard asked Pierce about his penis which is 9 1/2 inches hard. Howard asked if he knew he was going to go into porn when he realized how big he was. Pierce said that did have some influence on his confidence. He said he got into the industry about 4 years ago when he was 32. He said he was a fracker before all of this. He said he told his ex-wife he wanted to be in porn and she didn't like that so she left him and they divorced. He said he went right into the business after that.
Howard asked if Pierce would hurt women when he fucked them. Pierce said he did cause some internal bleeding. He said that he bent an IUD in one woman and they had to send it off to a lab to find out what happened to it. Howard asked Chris what's going on in his mind. Chris said that sounds painful. He said he likes his whole vibe. He said he likes that jock kind of vibe. He said he's aroused. Richard asked if he can blow himself. Pierce said he hasn't tried. Howard said he's tried and can't get there.
Howard asked Pierce if men or women appreciate the size more. Pierce said that it's men. He said you get the alpha in the group and they want to be your best friend because you have a big dick. Robin said that size is intimidating. They found out he's 5.5 inches around. Robin said that's pretty girthy.
Howard asked if women ask him to just put in part of it. Pierce said he has to be careful and he has to test the limits. He said they have to see where they're at as they go. He said that he can tell if he's going in too far. He said he may have to back off a little bit and just do the tip or halfway.
Howard said Chris is new to all of that. He asked if men can take the full thing into their body. Pierce said oh yeah. Chris said some people are freaks. Chris asked if he cums a lot. Pierce said he shoots too many scenes so he has to hold off. He said if he holds off it comes out like a fire hose. Howard asked if he's in a relationship. Pierce said not now.
Howard asked if he holds off for work and doesn't masturbate. Pierce said he has to masturbate but he can't do it the night before a shoot. Howard asked if he has scenarios he has to act out. Pierce said he does a lot of comedic porn. Fun George said he would like to train Pierce and be his acting coach. Howard asked what his favorite film is. Pierce said he has been in some mainstream stuff but in porn... Howard said he'd like to hear about something he's done in a scene. Fun George was telling him what kind of scene he'd like to do.
Howard said sometimes he watches straight porn and they have step brother and sister stuff. He said they might have MILFS and things like that. He said he was wondering if Pierce has been in one that was enticing but he can't think of one. Pierce said he can't break them down into just one or two.
Howard said when you get into the 9 and a half inch size it the blood in your whole body must be down there. He asked if he ever uses Viagra or anything on screen. Pierce said most performers use something. He said that his dick doesn't go up. He said it's too heavy. He said some people tell him he's not hard but he is. He said it's just too heavy. Howard said that he'd love to have that. He said he'd like to be able to tell a woman that it's just too heavy to get up.
Howard asked Fun George how he feels. Fun George said this is like a cock Smorgasbord. He said he thinks he can get Pierce hard like a javelin.
Howard said what Pierce is going to do is put his balls in his ass and then make them pop out. He said his balls must be long and big too. Pierce said they're going to go right up his ass. Howard said he's putting them in his own ass and then he'll belch them out. Pierce said he likes saying shitting them out. He said he likes that belching them out though.
Howard asked how you learn to do that. Pierce said he was messing around and thought about popping them right in there and he was able to do it. Howard said he also does ball torture in his videos. Pierce said he has done some femme dom scenes.
Howard said that Steve O and this guy Pierce are going to be doing a thing together. Pierce said that the trick he does went viral and he's done some stuff for Tom Seggura's podcast too. He said that Steve O contacted him and he wanted to do something with him. He said he had to do something with him so he has been throwing a lot of skits at him. He said there going to be pulling stuff with their assholes. He said they have a tow strap that they'll have attached to a butt plug. He said they'll be pulling stuff with that.
Howard said all of this is making him very angry. He said he has this strong butthole contest and Richard and Sal are pathetic. He said he has to have a talk with them. Richard said they have to get on this. He said he had seen Pierce's video when it went viral and he's a fan. He said he's been a fan for a while.
Howard asked if Robert is going to attempt to do this now that he's heard about it. Robert said he'll be doing it within the hour most likely.
Howard said this is Pierce performing the French Keister. Pierce did his thing and shoved his balls in his ass and then shit them out. Howard said he's going to throw up. Robin said that was in slow motion. Howard said oh my god. Chris said he really did shit them out. Howard asked if that's painful at all. Pierce said not at all.
Robin asked if he uses lube. Pierce said that does help. Chris asked if his asshole is very big. He said they seem to slide out so quickly and easily. Pierce said he one shoved an iPhone up his ass in a scene. He said the doctor pulled it out after it was lodged up there. Howard said you might want to mention that as being a great scene when someone asks you about it.
Pierce said there's a running butthole challenge where people run and jump at the camera and land on the camera. Howard said he's not sure how he missed that. He said that was on Twitter and he figured they would have seen it. Richard said they'll see it now. Howard said an iPhone is a big thing to put in there. Pierce said it was the iPhone 9 so it was smaller. Howard said that's crazy to him. He said you read all the time that people get things stuck in their asshole. He asked if he's ever gotten something stuck in there. Pierce said no. He said he's pretty professionally trained. He said he can put an 18 inch dildo up there all the way. He said he put a cactus up his ass. Howard asked what he did there. Pierce said he just put it up his ass. Howard said that he's like the Babe Ruth of ass play.
Richard said what's great is the video of the balls coming out of his ass is so funny. He said he watched it in reverse and it's even funnier.
Howard asked Pierce if he has ever tried to get something in there that didn't fit. Pierce said he tried an orange once and that didn't fit. He said an apple worked but the orange was too big and didn't fit.
Richard asked if when he poops it just falls right out. Pierce said not at all. He said it's super flexible but it's not open all the time. Howard said some people have their ass meat come out sometimes because it's so stretched out. Pierce said that part so his ass will hang out a little bit. He said he did have an accident once where he had tongs in there and it caught on it and pulled some meat out.
Howard said do not try this at home. He said this man is a professional. He said that he's a professional. Chris sounded freaked out by the tongs story.
Howard asked Fun George if he has any songs for this. George ended up singing a song about his ass meat.
Howard said that all three of them are very talented. He said they have figured out ways to do things with their cocks that entertain others. He said that Pierce wanted to plug some stuff. Pierce said he has his cock available for sale worldwide. He said that he has a rubber version of his penis available. Richard said Ronnie would love that. Pierce said they can find him on Twitter @PierceParisXXX
Howard said they have learned so much today. He said that Robert Ryan is in Las Vegas with Puppetry of the Penis. He asked if he can do things with his anus like Pierce can. Robert said he doesn't have any ass meat hanging out but he does enjoy some ass play. Howard said he did some fantastic stunts today. He said Mike was fantastic too. He said he did his trick and his wife is a very lucky woman. He said she must be very proud.
Howard asked Mike if he has anything to plug. Mike said no plugs. He said that it's an honor just to be on the show. He said he'll remember this the rest of his life. Howard said they were honored by his fabulous stunt.
Howard said everyone wants to be like Pierce. He said he sees Chris salivating over him. Chris said he's not sure about that now. He said he might be a little too hard core for him.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was Fake Arnold talking about how his balls got stuck in his ass and won't come out. He had his donkey trying to pull them out. Howard said don't try these stunts at home. He said they can be dangerous.
Howard asked how far Pierce made it in school. Pierce said he went to school for Kinesiology and that might have something to do with what he does now.
Howard said everyone supports one another in this business. He said they all get along like late night hosts. Howard said they're all very supportive of one another.
Howard said this wraps up Cocktober he thinks. He asked if they're all god. Richard wished everyone a happy Cocktober. Fun George said it was an honor. He said that this was fabulous. Howard thanked everyone involved for making this possible. They wrapped up the segment with a song parody.
Howard said that was very nice. He said that song goes on way too long. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and said it's Rod Stewart. He said this is an old recording. He said it's from Faces with Ronnie Wood and Rod. He said that when they first heard the song they learned the song and played it live that week. He said it's just like that. Howard said it's a great song. He said speaking of great songs they have Billy Joel on the show tomorrow. He said he was reflecting on his catalog. He said it's insane how many songs he has. He said he has to figure out what to ask him about. He said his catalog is vast and wide.
Howard said it must be weird to have ass meat hanging gout of your ass. He said you stick tongs up there and you get battle wounds.
Howard said Billy Joel is the sixth best selling recording artist of all time. He said he's not sure who the number one and two are. He said he's sure Casey Kasem would have that information. He said that Billy has sold 150 million albums. He said that's just awesome.
Howard asked Robin if she was turned on by any of those guys today. Robin said not at all. She said none of that was sexy. She said she has to be turned on up in her head. She said they don't work that way.
Howard said Billy had 33 consecutive top 40 hits. He said what a life. He said he has to talk to him about when he was 15 years old he got a recording contract. He said he knows what he was doing at 15 and it was like putting tongs in his ass. He said it took a while for Billy to catch on but he had a contract at 15. He said he has worked hard on his career. He said he was writing his songs all himself too. Robin said he can working every genre too. She said he didn't stick to one kind of song writing. She said he would write whatever he felt like writing. She said he was amazing in his breath and depth of writing.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he has the top 5 questions for Billy Joel. He ran down the list of questions he had written for Billy. Howard was answering the questions for him. Fred was doing his Bobo Puppet impression and everyone was goofing on Bobo. Bobo asked about breaking his instruments and if he has ever had a ghostly experience in his home on Long Island among other things.
Howard said he thinks that Bobo claims he saw a ghost once. He said he thinks that's where that came from. Bobo said in his last house he was outside at 7pm with his kid and he was tossing the football with him. He said he saw a black figure go into his garage. He said that he went after him and he just disappeared. He said it turned out that a guy had died there in his office years ago. Howard said he saw a black man walking on his property and he ran into his garage. Bobo said it was a ghostly figure. Howard thanked him for the call. Bobo said it was a weird experience. He said it's a true story.
Howard said you neve read about a nuclear physicist seeing a ghost. He said you get Bobo and people like that. Robin said Dave Grohl did too. Howard said he knows. Howard said when Dave tells the story it's better than Bobo.
Howard said he thought Bobo saw a black man in his garage. Robin said he said it was a black, ghostly figure. It wasn't a black man. Howard said he thought he said it was a black man.
Howard said he doesn't think that he's going to use any of Bobo's questions. Bobo said he has to ask about the ghost thing. He said he has to ask about breaking a string on his piano from banging so hard. Howard said if he ever meets Billy he can ask him.
Howard let Bobo go and Robin said that Bobo saw something that you see in a movie. She said they don't look like people. Howard said she followed that way better than he did. He said he was imagining that some black person walked by and he turned them into a ghost. Robin said it was just something floaty and black.
Howard said they did a bit a while back where they told the Wack Pack that they were going to have one of them host the show. He said Bobo pretended to interview Billy Joel. He said he just asked questions about Christy Brinkley. He had some audio of that audition that Bobo did. Howard said what a show that would be. robins said she's not sure that Billy would ever come back. She said she's not sure he'd make it through the show.
Robin said there's also aptitude. She said that leaves a lot open for you too. Howard said he wishes he had a high IQ. He said this wasn't his point. He said he said to Kate Beckinsale and said she's some package. He said she's intelligent and she has this high IQ. He said that he asked if she had a high IQ and she said she thinks she did and her mother would know. He said at the end of the interview they asked about it and she called her mother to find out. He said he loves guests like that. He said some people just won't say. He said it turned out to be 152. He said he saw a bunch of articles about it a few days later and it was women attacking Kate about bragging about her high IQ. Howard said she wasn't bragging. He said the media does this sometimes. He said he'll say one thing and they'll take it out of context. He said this was such a humble woman. He said she wasn't bragging about her IQ.
Howard said he kind of pushed to find out what it was. He said she wasn't bragging about it. He said why not say it. He said that her mother told her it was 152. Robin said Kate wasn't even able to remember the number. Howard said he was so thrilled that she was on the show and he got so much email from the fans about it. He said they didn't think much about Kate until she was on the show. He said they felt good about her. He said he read the email on the air and people liked her. He said if he had an IQ of 152 he'd take out a billboard and brag about it. He said you'd see what it is to flaunt a 152 IQ. He said he'd be a ''stable genius'' like Trump said. He said he'd tattoo that number on his face.
Howard said he felt so bad about this whole thing after he read those articles. He said she didn't deserve that.
Howard said that Kate wrote about the articles that were written and she doesn't get why women are coming after her for just saying she has a high IQ. He said that they're beating her up. He said that she wasn't bragging about it. He said it's just not true. He said that's not how it went down. Robin said the headlines are a spin that they put on it to disregard the truth of the situation. Howard said she's right.
Howard said there's this show called Titans that he likes. He said he doesn't know where that even airs. Robins said that's on HBOMax. Howard said he forgot about the show because they don't put all of the episodes out at once. He said just put it all on at once. He said HBO has a regular TV channel to put it on. He said he's not sure why they have to put stuff on the streaming apps. He said he just knows he pays a fortune for all of this stuff. He said he wanted to watch something on Hulu and he saw that he doesn't pay enough to watch something. He said it drives him crazy.
Howard said you have to go on Paramount+ to watch this SEAL Team 6 now. He said they fire off more guns and ammo on that show. He said they don't have any accidents on that set. Robin said guns are all over the place and no accidents. She asked how that Rust thing happened. Howard said they're still not clear on that.
Howard said this drives him crazy too. He said he's not sure when it became the thing to be an asshole as a politician. He said that they say this wacky stuff and they get away with it. He said Trump did it so all of these other people are trying to get away with it. He said it makes him feel like the world is out of control.
Howard said the surgeon general in Florida refused to wear a mask when he had a meeting with a senator who is a cancer patient. He said that this guy said it was fun. He said that they asked the surgeon general why he did it and he just smiled. Howard said there are a lot of people out there who think they can just say ''fuck you'' and not do things. He said you'd think if you're the surgeon general then you'd want to cover up. He said this was in the Daily Mail so he's not sure this is even a real story. He said maybe it is. Howard said that this senator asked the guy to leave her office. He said that this guy likes to be unreasonable with reasonable people. Howard said they say that CNN reported this story too. He said he's not sure why anyone would want to fuck with a cancer patient. He said this is just another story where no one loses their job. He said you don't want to see everyone lose their job but come on. He said this guy is bragging about being an asshole. He said it's just weird.
Howard played some audio of Pat announcing his retirement. Pat did that and some woman was praying for him and crying about that. Howard said the guy is still calling women ''dear'' in that. He said you can only spew bullshit for so many years before you have to step down. He said if God is speaking through you then how do you retire.
Howard said they estimate that they have 360 million people watching that stuff. He said that's a lot of people buying into the bullshit. He said what this guy does... He asked if you can imagine. He said this is a list of the awful things he's done. Howard said he can't imagine what it's like to be born in a state where they house a lot of fucking weirdos and you're born gay and go to school and get the shit beaten out of you. He said that you want to move out and get out to another place where you can be a star. He said that kids commit suicide sometimes because they get the shit beaten out of them so much. Howard said one of Pat's things was to target LGBTQ. He said this is a montage of his wonderful thoughts on that situation. Howard played the clip where Pat was talking shit about pride month and things like that. Pat said that any nation that embraces that lifestyle goes down in flames.
Howard was doing his impression of Pat and talking about what a horrible person he is. Howard said you just leave people alone if they're different. He said you don't have to pick on them. Howard did more of his Pat impression and had him talking about assholes and penises.
Howard said that this guy is homophobic and xenophobic as well. He said he claimed that you could get AIDS by using towels in Kenya. Howard did more of his Pat impression and had him saying that he world was going to end in 2016 and then 2017 and 2018. He said he never explains why nothing happened in 2016.
Howard played a clip of Pat talking about the towels in Kenya possibly having AIDS. Howard said he's an old man talking about this stuff. He said he's not sure what it will take to get people to stop believing these people. Robins said they have people who believe in lizard people as well. She said we have more problems than just that.
Howard did more of his impression of Pat talking about all of this nonsense. He was making up stuff that Pat could make up about Kenya and AIDS and all of that. He had Pat talking about using his hand to wipe his own asshole so he didn't have to use toilet paper in Kenya.
Howard said this is Pat talking about Haiti and how they made a deal with the devil in 1882 so that's why they had a horrible earthquake there. Howard played that clip and Pat said it's a true story about the devil and they have been cursed by one thing after another. He said he says it's a true story like it's real.
Howard said he meanwhile in the 1800s in America nothing bad was going on. Robin said we never did anything wrong. Howard did more of his impression and had Pat asking people to send him money.
Howard said in 2013 Pat claimed that God could grow limbs on a person like an octopus. Howard played that clip and Pat was asked if God can do anything. Pat claimed he had a friend whose eyeball was recreated and people have teeth grown too. He said they have told those stories. He claimed that someone he knew had a limb grow back and they talked about that. Robin said none of this happens in this country. She said it's always somewhere else. Howard did more of his impression of Pat talking about how he prays for people who are premium members. He said he has prayed for limbs to grow back and one woman ended up looking like a spider when she grew her limbs. He had one woman with six heads now. He said he has no video of it but just believe him.
Howard said in 2014 Pat claimed that we were given the ability to raise the dead. Howard played the clip where Pat talked about that. Pat said that God is almighty and he gives us the power to heal people. He said the power is there but we're just not using it.
Howard did more of his Pat voice and had him demanding money to get into this club so he can raise the dead. He said they did that for someone and it ended up like Weekend at Bernie's.
Howard said Pat gave advice to a guy who was having trouble in his marriage. He played a clip and Pat told this guy that he should become a Muslim and beat his wife if he wanted to go that way. Howard said the co-host didn't call him out on that. Pat said this man has to stand up to her and not let her get away with this stuff. He said they don't condone wife beating these days but something has to be done. Pat said again that he should move to Saudi Arabia to take care of the problem. Howard said this is such an antiquated idea that the man is the head of the household. Howard did more of his Pat voice and had him telling this guy to give his wife a little ''chin music'' if you catch his drift. He said that OJ Simpson was able to solve a similar problem.
Howard said Pat's funds must have been running low and he said this. He played a clip of Pat talking about evil people trying to do evil things to us. He said it'll be in the second half of 2007. He said there were going to be terrorists attacks at some point. He said that it could be millions of people. Howard did his Pat voice and had him talking about all of this nonsense that never came to be. Robin said he never did flaunt his wealth. Howard had Pat talking about how there will be a tragedy in the next 30 years. He had Pat blaming the followers for 9/11 because they didn't give enough money.
Howard said Pat predicted that Trump was going to win the reelection and he was wrong about that but he never says anything about why he was wrong. Howard said God seems to be like the Mafia. He said if you don't pay up then bad things will happen to you.
Howard had some clips of Pat predicting that Trump would be reelected. He said God told him that. Robin said she's not sure why God tells him so many lies. Howard, as Pat, said the word ass is in asteroid and that's because of the gays.
Howard said goodbye to Pat Robertson. Robin asked if he's actually gone now. JD said he thinks he is. Howard said now Gordon is talking to god. Howard asked what happens if the donations slack off.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's with Howard on this guy. He said he's a Christian but he thinks guys like Pat Robertson are taking advantage. He said that these guys could turn it either way and tell you that God gave us the vaccine. Howard said the stuff this guy did is outrageous. He said no one seems to catch on. He said tell your friends to stop sending this guy money.
The caller said he thanks the lord that we have a voice like Howard Stern. Howard said thanks for that. He said this caller is a man of god but he's a man who makes sense.
Howard said some people have complimented him on his Pat Robertson impression. He said the guys took that impression and called a religious show. He said he has some highlights. He played some clips where the guys called this show and used his clips to get the hosts of this religious show to talk about this nonsense. They had Howard saying really wacky stuff and the hosts were agreeing with it.
Howard said that's his best impression and now he has to retire it. He said he thought he'd mention that his man is retiring at 91. Robin said they didn't let him go without a goodbye. Howard said he might be worth $100 million according to Celebrity Net Worth.
Howard sang thanks for the terrible memories. He said it must be tough to have that shit on in your house and get the shit knocked out of you. He said that's the world we're living in. He said that network is doing some wonderful things.
Howard took a call from a guy who called himself Pastor Jeff. Jeff said that he's not sure what goes through these people's minds when they get old. He said he thinks it must be about the money. He said that the bible doesn't say you can't get divorced. He said so many things are misconstrued. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said they're going to end the show and they'll see you tomorrow with Billy Joel. They ended the show around 10:30am.
Howard started the show talking about how he spent all last night listening to Billy Joel songs and watching performances. He said he really is the greatest. He said it's mind blowing what he's written. He said he was watching a bunch of live performances from back in the day. He said he was getting himself pumped up to talk to him today. He said he has written so many great songs. He said he was thinking about what a treasure this guy is. He said he's written a lot and he has great thoughts. He said no one has this kind of talent anymore. He said people rely on tricks and stuff and Billy doesn't rely on that. He said he doesn't need Autotune and things like that. He said that he's pumped to see him today.
Howard said he and Billy used to see each other during the summer. He said they'd have dinner and things. He said that hasn't happened for 2 years now. He said it's been a long time. He said he's something else to be around.
Howard said Billy's life is something else. He said that he was able to play Mozart at the age of 8. He said his father left him at an early age too. He said he thinks that music became the driving force in his life when his father left him. He said he was able to connect to his father with music. He said Billy won't admit to it but he thinks that's why it was. Robin asked if he left him and never was in touch. Howard said he thinks he was in touch but his father lived in Europe. He said he prayed that his father would move to Europe.
Howard said he doesn't want to get too into it now because Billy isn't there yet. He said Billy is one of the greatest song writers of all time and if you get to talk to him you can't squander that. He said you have to take it and go with it. He said it's mandatory listening.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Billy is the greatest song writer of all time. He said this is his Mick Jagger moment. He said he has 12 albums and he's got hit after hit. Robin asked the caller to get rid of whatever that is causing the echo. Howard hung up on the guy.
Howard said that Billy wrote all of his songs on his own so that gives him a little extra credit.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who had some questions for Billy. She said she wanted to ask if he minds it when his fans sing and dance when he's playing. Howard said he knows he likes it. He said what Billy does is never sell the front row seats. He said he ends up with people who love him in the front row. He said he's been to his concerts and there are so many assholes singing behind him showing they know the words. Howard said he's going to ask him about it. Mariann said it's showing the love and playing homage to him. Howard said you get to see the guy how many times and you have to listen to Mariann singing by you. He had her sing to show what that's like at a concert.
Mariann said that she wants to ask Billy what kind of piano an intermediate player should get. She also wanted to know if a baby in the home sparks your creativity. Then she started singing so Howard hung up on her. He said he would not want to go to a concert and hear that. He said he's throw her out a window.
Howard said he just wants to concentrate on the band and not hear the public singing. He said that he likes the band Billy has and he wants to hear them play. He said if he was in charge of the world music would be listened to in complete silence. Robin said that there are places like that in the world. Howard said that's his kind of concert. Robin said that's opera and classical music. Howard said you can sing along to that all you want.
Howard said they will talk to Billy later in the show. He said he knows so much stupid stuff about Billy. He said Mariann asked what kind of piano to get and he knows the first one Billy had was The Howard. He said that was the brand name. He said Billy loved it so much he slept under it. He said that his father's first name was also Howard. He said he was Howard Joel. Howard said everything is about Howard.
Robin asked if his father is still alive. Howard said he is. He said he saw his son's success. Howard said he'll just answer all of these questions. Robin said Howard doesn't know why Billy likes people singing along. Howard said Billy just likes it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he ran into Billy Joel when they went out for lunch one day and pulled up in front of his house. He said Billy was playing ''God Bless America'' on accordion. He said it was great. Howard said he doesn't get why Billy likes to live near people. He said he doesn't get that at all. He said he'd live in a castle with a moat if he had his money. He said Billy is nothing like him. The caller said Billy lives right in the middle of Sag Harbor. He said he doesn't want to give it away but that's where he lives. Howard said Billy likes it and everyone knows where he lives.
Howard said he and Billy have one thing in common. He said they like to eat up quick and get home. He said they spend like 2 hours together and that's about it. He said they eat and leave.
Howard said Billy doesn't want to be there and he likes that they're quick. Howard said he's the same way. He said he can't stand it when they drag things out. He said he gets ants in his pants and wants out. He said he'll eat at 4 if you want to. He said just get right to the meal. He said Billy isn't opposed to it. He said they're both old dudes and they like that.
Howard said Beth is in step with him too. He said they were hungry at 4 and they ate. He said they just have the two of them there so why have rules. Howard said he didn't get to where he is by not breaking the rules. He said they just ate at 4.
Howard said he eats at 5:30 every night. He said he sometimes goes online to play chess and calm down. He said he has to stop thinking about eating. He said he gets crazy and has to eat. He said he was so happy last night. He said he remembered to watch that show Titans last night. He said he really likes it. He said something upset him when someone stole super powers from someone. He said he hates that. He said it's ridiculous. He said this guy gave up his powers for Lois Lane. Howard said it's so upsetting when they do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he stops diner short because he can't drink alcohol. He said that kind of makes the conversation easier. Howard said even when he was drinking he just wanted to get it over with. He said an hour and a half is enough. He said that's enough and then goodbye. He said some people won't leave. He said it's unbelievable. He said they're enjoying it but they'll come again. He said they don't have to hear your whole life story in one meal. The caller said you find out interesting things when you're chilling after dinner. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he never heard anything that interesting.
Howard said he likes to just leave and not tell people. He said he doesn't want to ruin things for people. He said Beth will stay up with Jimmy and Molly all night. He said that he doesn't want to insult his guests. Robin said he does this everywhere. Howard said he got in trouble doing that once. He said Mary McCormack was in a play and he went to see her. He said that he had to do a show the next day so he left in intermission. He said he got in trouble for that but he told Mary that he has to do a show and he has to get up at 4 in the morning. He said she was angry with him because it was rude. Robin said she made a game out of it once and she saw him and Beth getting ready to leave and she asked if they were leaving and she knew that they were going to leave. She said she turned around for a second and they were gone.
The caller said that Howard thinks that people don't enjoy him but they do. Howard said they enjoy him too much and drain him of energy. He said he can't be the life of the party everywhere he goes. He said he wants to be alone. He said if you want his company just turn on Sirius because he's on 24 hours a day. He said then you're with him.
Howard said that he and Beth made love last night. He said that they had dinner and he was sitting there talking to Beth. He said that she almost sent him a sexy picture and she didn't like the way it looked so she didn't send it to him. He asked what it was and she said she was in her bra and panties and she almost sent him a picture of it. He said she had it but it wasn't good. He said he saw it and she looked like a goddess. He said he saw it and said it was some picture. He said she hated it but he said it can't be that bad if she's showing it to him.
Howard said he got boned up looking at it. He said that he told her to feel it. He said she took a smack at it and said ''oh my goodness.'' He said he took her upstairs. He said he told her to skip the cat rounds. Howard said they had a good time. He said he was right on top of things. Robin said that's great. She said they were spontaneous. Howard said he felt like a young man or like Ronnie. Robin said never feel like Ronnie.
Howard said he's not sure how Ronnie doesn't have a heart attack yelling like he does.
Howard played more Jay Black songs. He said he didn't know some of them. He played this one ''Cara Mia'' that reminded him of The Addams Family.
Howard said two members of Steely Dan used to be in Jay's band. He said that they had another guy named Jay who was in Jay and The Americans. He said it's a crazy story but he won't get into it. He said the story is that Jay Black is dead. Robin said he married Donna Summer at one point. Howard said he didn't know that.
Jon Hein got on and said that he doesn't think that he married Donna Summer. He had a list of his 3 wives and Donna wasn't in there. Howard asked where Robin got that from. Robin said it's in her head like it's a real thing. Robin looked it up online trying to find the proof. Howard said she's trying to prove her story. Robin said they may have dated. She said they were together for a while but didn't get married.
Howard said this is Oprah Audiobook talking about her Halloween. The guys had Oprah talking about buying 500 bags of candy and that's just for her. She said the shit she's going to take after Halloween is going to be something. They had her talking about the doody that will be donated to an organic farm to help feed the children of Costa Rica. That clip went on and on. Howard said 3 writers and 3 producers worked on that. He said that's a total of six people who worked on that. He said they listen to things and try to figure out what they can sound like. He said it's more complicated than Billy Joel writing an album.
Howard said Oprah is going to take enormous shits after eating her 500 bags of candy and then she'll use that shit as fertilizer.
Howard said he has a Billy O'Reilly audiobook to play too. Robin asked if they can leave him out of the public eye. Howard played a clip the guys put together where they had Bill talking about not giving out candy but crap from his web site instead. They had him saying he's an angry old man and he really doesn't give a shit.
Howard said Bill is the kind of guy who hands out toothbrushes to kids on Halloween. He said he's giving out door mats according to that audiobook clip.
Howard said they have an Obama audiobook. He said he has some costume ideas. Howard played a clip of Obama talking about going out as Vice President Kamala Harris. They had Obama talking about that. Howard said that one was a little rough. He said he's going to fuck Kamala's husband and then go ''boo'' after whipping of the mask.
Howard said that one took 3 days to make. He said Robin wasn't laughing and he realized it was 3 wasted days. Robin said that one was very clippy.
Howard said this is Mitch McConnell revealing his costume ideas for Halloween. They had Mitch talking about dressing as a slutty Bernie Sanders.
Howard said that one was pretty good. They had him talking about practicing blowing himself for a party.
Howard said up next is Mitt Romney talking about what his family will be doing on Halloween. The guys edited it together to make it sound like Mitt and his wife dress up like ghosts when they fuck in his Mormon faith. They had him saying ''Baba Booey'' in that one. He said that Mitt is going to have his cock hanging out of the sheets. He said he didn't think they were much fun but now he wants to be their neighbor so he can see that.
Howard said Billy is putting out a new album. He said he's going back to Madison Square Garden to do his residency. He said he has this vinyl album collection, The Collection, Vol. 1, coming out too. Robin said Gary will have to get that. Gary said he absolutely will get it.
Howard said he saw this Marine in the news. He said that he was hanging out just standing at a 7-Eleven and they caught it on video where this guy comes in to rob the place and this Marine grabs the guy's arm and grabs the gun out and knocks the guy out. He said the kid goes running out of the store. He said this guy is a real man. He said his instincts kicked in and he just did it. He said evidently they said the kid pulled the trigger but the gun had a misfire. He said that he might want to talk to this guy James Kilcer. He said some guys are just born to kick ass. Robin said not everyone gets involved. She said that he decided to get involved and protect everybody. Howard said that guy is like The Rock. He said he just kicked ass. Robin said she's never heard about The Rock saving anyone. Howard said he just loves this guy. He said he wants to talk to him.
Howard read about what Kilcer did and how he said his life was saved because the 14 year old boy's gun jammed. Howard said he watched the video and it was something else. He said he doesn't recommend doing that though. He said you don't want to fuck around. He said he just wants to be a man like that. He said this guy didn't even think about it. He said he just tackles the guy. He said it was something. He said he's thinking this is Robin's next boyfriend. He said he'd like to see her reward the guy.
Howard said he and Robin were in a store once and a robber came in. He said Robin was impressed that he threw his wallet at the guy.
Howard said he was on Instagram last night looking at these videos of skinny girls showing you what they eat. He said they like to show you what they eat. He said they eat fattening stuff and you know they're not eating it. He said they make you think they can eat whatever they want.
Howard took a call from Eugene from Kentucky who said he saw that video. He said that was something else. Howard said he has talked to Eugene before. He said that he's been on the show before. He said he's a real man too. Eugene said he hasn't been out of his bunker much for the past 17 months. He said that's why he hasn't called. He said people are dying left and right so they just stay in their bunker. Howard said he's paranoid about it too. He said there's a second guy who walked in during that video too. He said it was scary. Eugene said the guy's partner just ran off. He said that Marine just reacted. He said he'd love to hear him talk to him.
Howard said this Marine is just standing there minding his own business. He said the guy just reacts in seconds and the guys run off. He said they were completely afraid of him.
Howard said that he once hid behind Robin in a robbery. He said that's what kind of man he is. He said he knew he was safe because they were distracted by Robin. He said he told Robin he needed time to think to apprehend them. Howard let Eugene go after that.
Howard said if you want to see that video they retweeted it on Twitter under their @SternShow account.
Howard said last night the guy got shot and he was down. He said then there's this girl who has interesting powers. He said she can do just about anything. He said she can cast spells and things. He said then there's Wonder Woman who can do anything she wants. He said she just figures everything out. He said now the women are more powerful than the men. He said the men are a bunch of morons.
Howard said this Robin from Batman and Robin is really smart. He said he runs everything. He said he has no super powers though. He said his thing is that he was trained at the circus. He said there's another woman from another planet who had her powers stolen. He said he hates that. He said she can turn her eyes green and shoot bolts of fire but then her sister steals her powers. He said that's bullshit.
Howard said the worst comic book he read was when he was a kid. He said it was Bouncing Boy. He said he'd blow up into a beach ball. He said he'd be perfectly round and his head would flatten out. He said then he could bounce and that was it. He said he knows he read the origin story. He asked who sent him that. He said he may have looked it up. He asked Jason if he printed that out. Jason said no but he does know the origin story. He said he drank something that wasn't soda that gave him his super powers.
Howard said he drinks a lot of stuff. He said this guy was a pudgy douche bag and then he drinks something that turns him into a beach ball. Robin said everything lasts forever. Howard said his power went away. Jason said he lost his powers a bunch of times over the past 80 years or so. Jason said he got kicked out of the justice League because of his powers being lost. Howard said this guy shows up and he gets kicked out with his ridiculous power. He said it's like JD showing up and they give him a job. He said he hung around long enough that they gave him a job. Jason said that when you lose your powers they kick you out. Howard said he remembers reading that and thought it was pretty cold. He said no one appreciated his contribution.
Howard said he does know one thing and that was his real name. He said it was Chuck Taine. Howard said you know you're lame when Aquaman thinks you're lame.
Howard said there you go. He said he should take a break here. Robin said that the richest man in the world keeps bouncing around from person to person. Howard said he's not sure who it is. Robin said today it's Elon Musk. Howard said he digs that guy. Robin said he's been it for a few weeks. Robin said it's sometimes Jeff Bezos and some guy from France. She said they bounce around from week to week depending on their stock prices. Robin said Hertz is buying some electric cars from Tesla and the stock went from like $600 to over $1000. Howard said he digs that guy. He said he's not angry with rich people. He said a guy like that is inventing cars and moving and shaking. He said that's what America is about. Robin said he's always thinking about changing things to battery power. She said some day your house will run on battery power.
Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and sang along with the Avril Lavigne song. He said he saw that she was dating some dude. He said it got him worried. He said he had multi colored hair and he got nervous. He said they had her on the show. He said this song was put on the album at the last minute and it ended up being a bit hit. He said she got her first record deal at 15. He said she was in some recording studio and he got this deal from L.A. Reed at 15.
Howard told Robin what he was just talking about. She must have come back late. Robin asked if the guy with multi colored hair could be a nice guy. Howard said his name is Mod Sun. He said he used to date that hot red head Bella Thorne. Howard said they broke up and then Avril ended up with him. Howard said these guys with hot chicks end up with other hot chicks. He said they must get the stink on them and they're attracted to them. Howard said he never got in that circuit.
Howard said this guy Mod Sun seems like a hippy. He said he got nervous. He said he thought she'd settle down with an accountant or something. He said there are guys on Daily Mail who date hot chicks and you have no idea what they do. He said they have this way out kind of look. He said they have this look that makes you wonder how they get a job. He said he got Beth and he just stopped there with one hot chick. He said he wasn't sure that there would be more than one hot chick into him.
Howard said there are a lot of people on the phone who are excited about Billy Joel being on the show today. He took a call from a guy who said that his son is 12 and he's really into Billy. He said he got him hooked on it really early. He said he has been a fan ever since he went to a concert. He said he sings the songs word for word.
Howard said the song that gets him is Goodnight Saigon. He said that song is so moving. He said the other one is Miami 2017. He said it gets him crazy every time. He said the other one is Downeaster Alexa. He hummed some of that and then Fred played it for him. Howard said he loves all of his songs but that one is really good.
Howard said he doesn't sing in concert because he doesn't really know the lyrics. He said he used to try to do that and just make it look like he knew the words. He said that catalog of music is remarkable. The caller said he's looking forward to hearing him later.
Howard said Billy likes to hang out with people. He said he had put out Cold Spring Harbor and things weren't going so well. He said he started to interact with people and that's when he wrote Piano Man. He said that was basically him singing about people he saw in the bar. He said it was a loserish kind of bar. He said it wasn't the kind of place you went on a date. He said it was a bar for degenerates.
Howard had the song Piano Man playing and talked about that for a second. He said lets not blow their load now though. He said they'll wait until Billy is there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to Austin to see Billy Joel perform. He said his wife was balling her eyes out. He said that they had Piano Man play at their wedding so it was mind blowing to see it in person. He said they had 400,000 people at the Formula 1 race in Austin and Billy packed the place to play there. He said he really rocked it.
Robin said she watched some Formula 1 this weekend. Howard asked how the fuck she did that. Robin said she was tuning around to all the different football games and one of the channels had Formula 1 racing on. She said that she wanted to see how long she could handle it and she lasted about 7 minutes. Howard said it's like the rodeo seeing how long you can hold on to the bull.
Howard said Robin sued to be a race car driver. Robin said Formula 1 is amazing. She said it's really wild to see the cars and see how fast they go. Howard said that he calls Robin sometimes and she has the TV on all the time. He said she's sitting at home so what the fuck else is she going to do. He said she asks him what to watch. He said he tells her to calm down. He said she's like a junkie.
Jeff said that's what Howard wants. He said he wants him off the show. Jeff went off on the caller asking who he thinks he is. The caller said he listens to the show every day. Jeff said he does too. He said he gives content to the show. He said he's the only reason Howard is listening to this caller. The caller asked where the porn star is that he wasn't able to get it up for. Jeff said he did get it up. He asked how he can put a limp dick into a condom. Howard thanked the caller for the call.
Howard said Jeff took a beating in the fan mail. He read some comments about Jeff and asked if he's on speaker again. Jeff said he is. Howard told him to pick it up. Jeff said he can't. He told Howard to hold on. Howard laughed. Robin said this is great content.
Jeff asked if that's better. Howard said yes. He said thanks for the content by the way.
Howard read some comments from fans about Jeff and his Cameo money and losing his SSI. Jeff said he hasn't had SSI for 2 years now. He said people are ignorant. Howard had comments about how Jeff sucks because of the stuff he does. Howard said the baby crying sounds from Fred are very fitting according to people. Someone said they tune out whenever Jeff calls in. Jeff said that's bullshit.
Howard said a Wrap Up Poll says that High Pitch Erik is higher up in the rankings than Jeff is. Jeff said he thinks that people are just saying that to get under his skin.
Howard told Jeff that all that matters is that he likes him. Jeff said that's right. Howard said he heard that Jeff is considering cutting off his bad arm. Jeff said he is. He said he had the rotator cuff in his good arm and he went to the doctor and asked if they can cut off his bad arm. He said the doctor said he would look into it and let him know. He said he's seeing him again in 2 weeks. Robin asked why he would do that. Jeff said it's a pain in the ass. Howard said he gets that. He said his life might be easier if that arm wasn't hanging there. Jeff said that's what he's thinking.
Howard said High Pitch Erik is pissed at him. Howard took Erik's call and Erik asked him to get off his fucking dick because he has nothing against him. He said Jeff is the one who has something against him. Jeff said he's a fucking asshole. Erik said he's the fucking asshole. Jeff and Erik went back and forth talking over each other.
Jeff said that Erik isn't reporting his Cameo money so they should take his SSI from him. Jeff said he reported his income from day 1 and they took him off SSI. He said that they would have cut Erik off a long time ago if he was reporting it. Erik said you can make a certain amount a month. Jeff said Erik is a liar and he always has been.
Howard said he told Jeff yesterday that he sounds jealous of High Pitch Erik. He said anyone to be jealous of Erik is sad. He said you should be jealous of people who are more successful in life. Jeff said that he should be reporting his income. Erik said he does report it. Howard said they should band together and get jealous of Elon Musk or someone like that.
Howard said Cameo is tearing his Wack Pack apart. Fred played Dueling Banjos and had Erik and Jeff calling each other names going back and forth. Howard said he'll talk to them later.
Erik said that Jeff has no dick. Howard said neither does Erik. Jeff said he has more of a dick than Erik does.
Howard asked Robin if she was on an island and she had to fuck one of these guys, who would it be. Robin said she's not sure she'd be able to fuck either one. Howard said you have to have sex with one of them. Robin said she wouldn't be able to have Erik on top. She said she'd choose him because she'd be able to ride him and get it done. Howard said she could do that with Jeff too. Jeff said he can't be on top either. Howard said either one could be on the bottom. Robin said he has that arm in the way. Howard said you could eat that arm. Robin said she's not sure it would be too tasty.
Howard said it would be great if they could take that arm and sew it on the back of Erik so he'd have 3 arms. Howard told the guys to hang in there. Jeff said have a good weekend. Howard let them go.
Howard said they were talking about Pat Robertson retiring and he has some comments about that. He went through some of those comments.
Howard said finally in the emails he had someone ask him to stop asking Gary about sports. He said the person said that Gary is about as knowledgeable about sports as Sal is about anything. Howard said he's not sure what it was that Gary didn't know about. Robin said Gary was talking about the Jets and what's going on with them.
Howard said that someone said they should call Ronnie ''Mogul Mund'' because of the guys he's hanging out with lately. Howard said Ronnie has parlayed that into quite a conglomeration of pals out there in Vegas. He said that he points it out that he has helped him get here and Ronnie says that he has known these guys for like 6 years. He said he doesn't get that it's because of the show.
Howard said people wrote in about Gary's phlegm. He said he's not sure he can get through all of that. He read through some of the comments. He said someone suggested doing hypnosis. Howard said he thought they tried that. Gary said they never did. Howard said Gary is the only one who had his own cough button on the show. Gary said sometimes they had a cough button on the floor that they installed. He said that they didn't even know about that.
Howard read more comments about how they have to get back in the studio. Howard said he agrees about that. He said they do want to get back in there. Howard said Gary has said he loves working from home but he does want to get back in there. He said they want to see Gary in the office so they can goof on him.
Howard said Sal took a beating in the mail too. He said on Monday Sal revealed that his doctor refused to see him after he said he enjoyed her examining his penis. Howard played some audio from the show where Sal talked about that doctor thing.
Howard said he got an email from a nurse who said Sal had to have done something more than he's admitting to. He read an email from someone who said that his wife is a dermatologist and she has to deal with people like Sal and they have to report them. Howard said someone said he's definitely on a list at that office now.
Howard said they also played the Wack Pack Vaccination game on Monday. He read some comments from the fans about what they heard during that. Howard said someone pointed out that Ass Napkin Ed was doing heroin a few months ago but he won't get vaccinated. Howard said he was saying that they put baby fetus in that vaccination. He said he's not sure where they get that from.
Howard said he has some bonus Wack Pack clips to play. He said that they knew that King of All Blacks was vaccinated. He said he wants the best of everything and in this clip he talks about what he thinks is the best. In the clip King said that he's getting the Pfizer booster shot. He said stay away from the Johnson and Johnson. He said Pfizer is the Bentley of booster shots.
Howard said that guy Angry Black is around and they called him. He said he's anti-vax. He said he used to fight with King of All Blacks all the time. He said he thought Angry Black was a bright guy but he's way out there. Howard played a clip of Angry Black talking about how he won't get vaccinated unless his doctor tells him to. He said he's not anti-vaccine. He said you have to talk to your physician first. He said don't just get it in a subway station. Howard said he's not sure what doctor he's going to who is telling him not to get vaccinated. Howard asked what the fuck is going on.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said that it's been a great Cocktober. He said he still can't get over the Sal thing with the doctor. He said if he got banned he's shoot himself. Howard said he'd be humiliated if that happened to him. He said he'd give anything to find out what he did. Sal said he's rewriting history. He said he went to the doctor and got checked. He said a year later he was told he wasn't a patient because he was a new patient. Howard said he left out some details there. He said he told them that he went there and she checked his balls and he didn't cough hard enough. Sal said that was an exaggeration. He said Sal also booked 6 month check ups. Sal said that's true. Howard said he did ask her to check his balls on the third time. Sal said he did but it was a year that went by before he tried to book another appointment.
Sal said they can call the doctor and ask if he's on a list. Howard said he'll do that. Sal said he told this story because he has no shame and he did nothing wrong. Howard said Sal told them that the doctor may have sensed some creepiness in the first exam. Sal said he has to paint a picture on radio. He said he was a normal patient who was pleased that she was attractive. Howard said Harvey Weinstein wrote him from prison and said he may have gone too far.
Robin said that they may not tell Howard anything about why he was banned because of doctor patient privilege. Howard said he'll have Sal sign something. He said Sal sent his friends there to her too. Sal said he's helping the economy. Howard said Sal was talking about how he had a fantasy about having her take his pants down first. Ralph said you never hear of this happening. Howard said Sal got dumped. Sal said that he got dumped due to time. Howard said he'll bet it wasn't over nothing. Sal said he's not betting anything.
Howard said Sal is rewriting history. He said he did say that he felt that she caught on to him enjoying that she touched his penis. Sal said he didn't do anything to trigger that. Howard said he knows there was more going on there. Sal said there was nothing going on. Robin said she has worked in hospitals and you know when a guy is turned on and wants more attention. Sal said that's like when she straddled that guy. Robin said she's not talking about that. She said that a guy would rub himself on the sheets when she gave him a back rub. Howard said Sal did say he felt some tingling going on. He said he has to go anyway. He said Sal claims nothing went on. He said they just said he hadn't been there in a year and they kicked him off the list because he was considered a new patient.
Ralph said the penis contest was great yesterday. He said Robin was interested in that last guy until she saw him shit his own balls out of his ass. Howard let Ralph go and did a live commercial read before going to break.
Howard came back and said he knows that Billy Joel is a big Cream fan. He said he always enjoyed them. He said that song was written by Jack Bruce. He said it's a great song. Howard asked if he has that right. Billy was there so Howard and Robin said hi to him. Billy said he loved Cream. Howard said they were a great band. He said Clapton is one of his heroes and he got kind of wacky about the vaccine.
Howard said he spent last night listening to his catalog. He said what an amazing accomplishment. He said you talk about some of the great song writers out there. He said a lot of guys write with the band or other guys and Billy did it on his own. He said that must be a satisfaction he has in his life. He said when you look back on that it's very special. He said it's like John McEnroe being the best tennis player in the world. Billy said he has to give credit where credit is due. He said a lot of the stuff he recorded was done by the band. He said if the band didn't like it then he'd change it or throw it out. He said the drummer had a lot to do with what songs got picked or not. He said he came in with Only the Good Die young as Reggae music and he hated that so they had to change it. He said that's why you hear what you hear. He said he had the band putting their two cents in. He said they had to like it before they were done with it.
Howard said he hasn't seen Howard in like 2 years. He said he's got so much to ask him about. He said he loves Billy as a dinner guest. He said they had some great dinners. He said a couple of hours is enough. Billy said he knows what it's like to be fish at someone's house and rotting from the head.
Howard said he's still hiding in his house. He said he's scared. Billy said he's a home body himself too.
Howard said this is a remarkable weight loss he's had. He said he looks like a different guy. Billy said he lost about 50 pounds. He said it was a lot of pain and aggravation. He said he had back surgery earlier this year and he lost his appetite from that. He said he had lower back pain and it might take a year to feel better. He said he ate less and less. He said he had life aggravation and he ended up losing weight. He said he had gotten kind of chunky so he was happy to lose it.
Howard asked if he ever gets angry and screams at the world over his back pain. He asked if he's fighting all of this or accepting of all of it. Billy said you just deal with it. He said you get knocked for a loop and deal with it. He said you can't just think things are going to go smooth. He said it's like ''We didn't Start the Fire.'' He said it was about the world being a mess and how it's always been a mess and it's going to be a mess so get used to it. He said he's just happy to be alive. He said he's lost some friends already and he still has his life. Howard said he thinks about that all the time. He said aging is freaky. He said it flips him out thinking about it. Billy said you have to deal with it. He said you get close to the end and you think about how you'll deal with it. He said you can't dwell on it too much.
Howard asked what Billy makes of it when he reads about Bob Dylan selling his catalog for hundreds of millions of dollars. He said he looks at his catalog and he thinks about the hits he has. He asked if he's ever had an appraisal done. Billy said he hasn't but there have been offers to sell it. He said he hasn't accepted them. Howard asked why not. He said why not just cash in. Billy said he has control over it right now but everything is for sale. He said he does say yes to some things that they ask him to use his music for. He said that he's the one picking and choosing it though. He said he'd be giving up control and he thinks of the songs as his kids. He said he might go for it if they gave him something like what they gave Howard at Sirius. Howard said he'd think it's worth like a billion. Billy said he may not say no to that offer. He said he's from Levittown so he might not turn that down. Howard said he thought it was Hicksville. Billy said it was the Levittown part of Hicksville. He said it wasn't far from Roosevelt.
Howard said it's a miracle they got out of those places they grew up in. He said it's amazing how big he got. Billy said that Bill O'Reilly came from that area too. Howard said Dr. J came from Roosevelt and he says he came from Freeport or something. He said they have quite an alumni from that area.
Howard said Billy is going back to Madison Square Garden. He said that's where he does his residency. He said when he goes to a concert he wants to hear him sing and not the people in the audience. He asked him to tell his fans not to sing along with him. He said these tone deaf assholes are singing the songs and you want them to stop. He asked Billy if he thinks they should quiet down. Billy said he likes when they sing along. Howard said please don't say that. Billy said he gets a kick out of it. He said we're creating a community. He said when the crowd sings along he gets a great joy from it. He said sometimes when he's singing and worried he'll forget the words he'll watch people singing to read their lips. He said he'll follow that guy in the audience. He said sometimes they have no clue what the words are. Howard said that's him.
Howard said in planning today for Billy he was thinking about how he got turned on to Billy with Streetlife Serenade. He said he saw some concert he was doing and he was talking about the song Roberta. He said he loved that song. He said he heard Billy saying that she was a hooker he fell in love with. Howard played a clip from the song and said of course that's what it's about. Howard asked Billy how that all came about. He said things were looking bleak for him and then he meets Roberta. Billy said this was his third album and he had met this woman who turned out to be a call girl. He said that he just knew her. He said he wasn't paying her. He said she was just someone he knew and he had a crush on her. He said he didn't believe that was her job. He said she could have been a model or actress but she was a call girl. He said he'd fool around and tease her about getting together. He said she'd tell him what it cost. He said in the song he has a pedal steel guitar and it's kind of a country instrument. He said it's a very sexy instrument.
Howard said he was talking to Robin about Billy coming on today and he thinks about his life and how he got into music at like 6. He asked at what age he was plying at. Billy said he was playing piano at 4. Howard said the teacher saw he had an ability right away. He said he was able to catch on. Billy said the teacher never told him that. He said he never practiced the way he should have. He said you learn the classics early on when you take lessons. He said that he just learned to play by ear. He said everybody took the same kind of lessons. He said he took the John Thompson class. Howard said he remembers that. He said he may have done that too.
Howard said he was so bad that his piano teacher committed suicide. He said that's how bad he was. Howard said his thing with Billy is that his father was a great piano player. He said his mother loved to sing too. He said there's music in the family. He said the tragedy is that his father left when he was 8 years old. He said his feeling is that when his father is absent he has to connect and he did that by playing piano. He said he knew that his father loved piano so he could understand that love. He said he almost had to be great.
Billy said that is a great shrink thing to say. He said in a way he had to become his own father. He said he had no idea what a father was supposed to be. He said he saw that Springsteen and Obama were talking about the same thing. He said they were talking about how they had to do great things to compensate for not having a dad. He said he may have done the same thing. He said he never had a father around. He said his father hit him once and he was upstairs sleeping and he started to play the Moonlight Sonata and his father came down the stairs and whacked him. He said he knocked him out. He said when he came to he thought that he did hear him. He said it was a way to get attention. He said his father hated rock and roll. He said he got that attention by playing it. He said his father had a very difficult life so he wasn't a happy person.
Howard said his mother was a single mother and she had to raise him herself. He said he had very little contact with his father. Billy said it was none. Howard said he learned that his father was named Howard and his first piano was named Howard too. Billy said the first one he bought was a Baldwin piano that had a name on it called a Howard Piano. He said that was his father's name. He said his father's name was actually Helmut. He said that he did buy a piano at 19 or 20 and he slept under it because he was so happy to have it. He said it was a grand piano.
Howard said his connection to his father was that piano. Billy said it probably was in some way. Howard asked if it makes him sad. Billy said sometimes. He said he never felt hostility. He said he never saw his father until he was in his mid 20s. He said he missed having a father but he didn't have any hostility. He said he's sure there's some anger in there but he doesn't remember hostility about it. He said that's just how his father's life went. He said he has an empathy for him and he has it for his mother too.
Howard said imagine the love affair his father could have had with him with his extreme talent. He said imagine the bond. He said that they could have enjoyed one another. Billy said it could have been pleasant. He said he has a half brother in Austria who is very talented and he's 20 years younger than him. He said his father got to bond with his brother. He said he had that relationship that he didn't have. He said he's very close to his half brother. He said he loves that guy. He said he's like a younger version of him that he can kind of go back and think about his youth with. He said he's the big brother there and he loves it.
Howard asked if he ever thought about why he didn't spend time with him and did with the brother. Billy said you can ask and never get answers.
Howard said he thinks that Billy's life could be made into a movie. He said that when he started to get noticed he met this girl Virginia in school in like 4th grade. Howard said he had a crush on her and she never noticed. Howard said he sat down at a piano and played and then she saw him. He said her eyes lit up. Billy said he was in a band. He said that he didn't realize he liked girls until 5th or 6th grade. He said he was going to a private school and he realized that he missed this girl. He said he played at a church and she was in the audience. He said he saw her again and she was this cute girl with freckles. He said he had a crush on her in a different way. He said he doesn't think she ever knew that he had a crush on her. He said he was never bold enough to tell her that.
Howard asked if Virginia ever showed up at a show. He said he talked to Dave Grohl about a girl that he had a crush on and she showed up to a show he was doing. He said he had this fantasy that she'd see him at a big show. He said she did and then she flipped him off or something. Howard asked if Billy would love to see her mouthing every word to his songs. Billy said she came to a show long after he was playing the big places. He said she had a family and they just met as old friends. He said he's not sure if he had any other girls show up that he had a crush on. He said the first girl he made out with was a girl named Joann Lips. He said she gave him a big wet kiss for a couple of minutes. He said that she was the initiator of this. He said that was it.
Howard asked where she is now. He asked why she kissed him. Billy said he's not sure but she may have just wanted to kiss this guy.
Billy said he had a crush on another girl and she was passing notes with another girl and she had written ''The creep is still looking at me.'' He said he realized that he was creeping her out so he never saw her again. He said he's sorry to Carol. He said that he's sorry to Ruthlyn Kilroy too. He said he broke her heart. He said that she was one of his earliest girlfriends. He said he did something to break her heart and he still feels bad about it. He said this is his nationwide apology. Howard said he knows what that's like. He said that you don't even think about it. He said you don't feel the same way anymore and move on. He said there are so many break ups like that. Billy said it's a thoughtless time in your life. He said you're a mess by the time you're 21.
Howard asked if Billy ever goes back and looks at people on Facebook. He said that he does that as a regular thing. Billy said he knows about this Classmates thing and he doesn't even know how to do it. He said he has no idea how to do anything but get email. He said he has tried to get in touch with people over text and it doesn't work. He said that he was trying to get in touch with this one woman and he wasn't able to figure it out.
Howard said he thought he would have women from his past coming at him all the time. He said you never get that. Billy said he was at an event and these twins came over to him and hugged him and said that they had never met a millionaire before. He said they wouldn't have looked twice at him in school. He said he had that moment and that was at a reunion. He said he didn't think it was as thrilling as he thought it would be. He said sometimes the want is better than the have.
Howard said he learned that Billy was always making money here and there but some high school teacher came up to him and said that he was really good and could make a living as a musician. He said he had an epiphany from that. He said he had no concept that he could make it as a musician until then. He said that's when he decided to try and make it. Billy said this was in the mid 60s. He said the Beatles were making it but being a musician was like a gypsy life. He said that this guy was Chuck Arnold and he was his music teacher. He said that he also taught Idina Menzel. He said she was on that town Hall they did. Howard said that was one of his favorite broadcast moments on the show. He said they sat there for like 3 hours. He said what a magical thing that was. He said watching Billy watching them perform his songs was great. Billy said that was a really fun show. He said he enjoys people doing his material. He said it's like his kids went off and they're coming home. He said that's a real satisfying feeling.
Howard said he was listening to the Billy Joel channel on SiriusXM. He said that he likes when he does that thing where he plays songs. He said he would listen to that endlessly if he did what Tom Morello does. Billy said he has done it with Lou Simon on his channel.
Billy said that they played Cream at the start of this interview. He said he has a song called Shades of Grey and he was channeling Cream in that song. He said that he sometimes wishes he was a real guitar player. He said he loved guitar bands. Howard said he loves this song by Cream. He played ''White Room.'' Billy said that's a great song. Howard said Billy tired to have a metal band. Billy said they did but it was just noise.
Billy got back to the story about his music teacher telling him about how he could make a living as a musician. Billy said they told him he could probably make it as one. He said that he thought about it and when a grown up told him that at 15 it was an epiphany. He said that he credits that guy with him going down that road.
Howard said he got a recording contract at 15. He said he doesn't understand why he wasn't the bell of the ball back then. Billy said the records weren't all that great. He said back then they were signing everyone. He said they'd sign the janitor if he could sing. Howard asked what it was like telling his mother that he just signed a contract. He said his mother told him to have a lawyer look at it first. He said he was only 15 so his signature wasn't really legal.
Howard said he was playing parties for the Gambino family. He said that he was doing private parties and the Gambino family would get the to do a show and they were making out with their daughters. Billy said they had no idea who these people were. He said they had a nice house in Queens and it looked like everything had come off the back of a truck. He said it was a lot of gold and brass stuff. He said they'd play and not even think about who they were. He said they didn't know what was going on. He said they could have gotten killed if they did something wrong.
Howard asked if he graduated high school. Billy said he didn't. He said he missed out on a couple of credits. He said that he was missing classes and by the end of it he was tuned out of school. He said he wasn't into going to college.
Howard said he knows Billy now and he likes to read books and watch the History channel. He said he must have some regrets. Billy said the regret he has is that he didn't study his instrument well enough. He said he was told he wasn't any good and he as wasting his mother's money. He said he got to be 16 and he didn't want to read the dots anymore. He said he wanted to write his own dots.
Howard said they have heard the story about Billy not writing songs. He said it just left him and he didn't want to do it anymore. Billy said you have to have the desire. He said that he never stopped writing music. He said he stopped writing lyrics because he got tired of that process. He said hearing music now is what he's into. He said that he's not going to not write a song if something comes to him.
Howard said he knows he wrote New York State of Mind in like 20 minutes. He said he knows that it's frustrating. Billy said it can be a grind. He said it's like a big beast with 88 teeth that wants to bite his fingers off. He said you come up with nothing and it's very frustrating. He said it doesn't always come to you. He said you don't always get that moment. He said the worst thing about song writing is that struggle. He said he hates writing but he loves that he wrote songs.
Howard asked Billy about writing songs and where it comes from. Billy said it comes from in your head. He said you have it in there and you hear it before you hear it externally. He said you flesh it out externally. Howard said he can hear him doing his Ray Charles kind of thing in New York State of Mind. He had the song playing and he can see Billy almost pretending to be blind in a way. He said it's remarkable that he can do that. He said that he heard this song on a bus and wrote it. Billy said he thinks about other people doing his songs. He said he just wanted to be a song writer early on. He said he never liked the sound of his own voice. He said he didn't want to sound like that. He said he wanted to sound like Ray Charles or Rod Stewart. He said he wanted to be anyone but himself. He said he's been accused of being derivative. He said he is very derivative. He said if no one was then there wouldn't be rock and roll.
Howard said that Billy wrote Big Shot to the point of view of someone like Mick Jagger. Billy said he imagined him yelling at Bianca Jagger after going out for drinks or something. Howard played the song and asked if he thinks about Mick while doing that song. Billy said you have to try not to sound too much like him.
Howard said he didn't know that the prelude on Angry Young Man was just ''Wipeout.'' He said that's really what it is. He played the song. He asked Fred to play ''Wipeout'' so they could compare it. Howard said he tried playing that a million times. Howard said what a song. Billy said that you can do the same thing on the piano with just a key or two.
Howard said that Billy wrote the song The Entertainer on a guitar. He asked how different that is writing a song on a guitar. Billy said it's very different. He explained the process to Howard by making sounds with his voice and showing him how you play.
Howard said he thinks that Billy doesn't write new songs because so much of his music is about real life. He said he's become so successful that he doesn't go out so much and he's not interacting with people anymore. He said maybe that's why it becomes hard. Billy said he wrote himself out of the narrative. Howard said he's pretty isolated.
Howard said some guy called in this morning and said he saw him playing an accordion on his roof or something. He said he still tries to mingle with people. Billy said he can't be the fly on the wall anymore. He said he knows that he lives in a rock star bubble. He said that he has friends who don't but he wouldn't write about that stuff. He said that other life was interesting. He said that he enjoys his life but what he has now doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the world anymore.
Howard asked if anybody has come to him asking him to help produce a song or something. Billy said he has had people ask him to do that. He said that they want him to work with them but he always backs off. Howard said why not. He said he thinks that he'd enjoy that. Billy said he likes helping people and guiding people but he doesn't want to get hooked into writing again. He said it turns out it's not going to be very good if he doesn't want to do it.
Howard said he was watching the Traveling Wilburys and wondering if he ever thought about doing something like that. Billy said that he has had a few people come to him. He said that John Oates asked him to do something with him. He said Burt Bacharach wanted him to write a song with him. He said he wanted him to write the words. He said he doesn't write a song like that though. He said Burt can't sing but he can write like no one's business. He said that he wasn't able to finish that. He said he did a song with Cyndi Lauper though. He said that she saw him having a tough time with some lyrics and she told him to just throw some words out and they'd make sense out of them later. He said she was pushing him to do something. He said they came up with some lyrics and he gave her credit on the song. He said she did all the work. He said he gave some credit to Beethoven too because he stole some of his music.
Howard said Billy can also sing and not everyone who can write can sing. He said imagine you had to get someone else to sing his songs. He said that could have been a major frustration for him.
Billy said he just wanted to be a song writer. He said he didn't want to sing. He said so many people who were singer songwriters. He said he doesn't think he's a great singer. He said he's okay. He said he doesn't like his voice that much. Howard asked if he was pained when he recorded albums. Billy said he hated doing things over and over. He said if he had to do it more than 3 times he hated the song.
Howard said someone fucked up Cold Spring Harbor and he must have hated that since they sped it up. He asked if he was freaked out by that. Billy said he hates his voice on that song. He told himself to shut up while the song ''She's Got a Way'' was playing. Howard asked if that's his version of hell. Billy said it is. He said that he got the copy of the album and he heard that it was sped up. He said he threw it down the street when he heard it the first time. Howard asked if he called the guy at the record company. He said he did and it was too late to do anything about it. Howard asked if he does the song in concert. Billy said sometimes they do it. He said he thinks that they could have been written better sometimes. He said that some songs he thinks are really good and some are just okay and some just suck. He said he can't help being his own worst critic.
Howard said Billy played the song ''You're My Home'' at their wedding. He said Beth asked why he picked that one. He said it's a beautiful song. Howard said they didn't pick it. Billy said he thought one of them picked it. Howard said no, he just got up and played it. Howard said Phoebe Snow was there too. He said Billy got up and did this. Billy said he thought someone requested it. He said maybe someone else thought it was his favorite. He said maybe it was Phoebe who suggested it. He said it's not a song he would have done off the cuff. He said he was thinking of Gordon Lightfoot when he wrote that one. He said he was thinking that would be a great one for Gordon to do. Fred played some Gordon Lightfoot so they could hear what Billy was thinking about.
Howard said he thinks it's great that he can write a song thinking about a band like that. Billy said he writes what he wants to write about. He said if he wants to hear something that the Beatles might do then he'll write something like that.
Howard said he thinks that Captain Jack is a great song. He said Billy says that it's kind of depressing and dreary and not one of his best. Billy said it is dreary. He said it's two chords for a lot of the song. Howard had the song playing and Billy was criticising his own song. Howard said when it kicks in then it must excite him. Billy said it's okay then. Billy was goofing on the song as it was playing.
Howard said Billy went off and did his own thing in L.A. after his album came out that was at the wrong speed. He said he did a recording of this song live and Clive Davis heard it and signed him immediately. He said that's a pretty good fucking song. He said it's one of those lucky break songs. Billy said someone saw him at some festival in '72 and it was in the middle of some jungle somewhere. He said he did a Joe Cocker song and they thought it was Joe Cocker. He said they got an ovation after the song. He said that someone saw him and figured they had to sign him. He said he's not sure what it was but it could have had something to do with Captain Jack. He said that song was about getting high on heroin and he's kind of preachy in the song. He said he's making fun of this kid in it and he hears it now and he wonders who the hell he is to be judgmental. He said he had issues with drinking. He said he's not perfect. He said the music is interesting. He said that he's demoted him from Captain Jack to Private Jack.
Howard said Billy is returning to the Garden for his residency. He said he has his vinyl collection, The Collection, Vol. 1, coming out next Friday. Billy said he heard about that. He said he plays vinyl at home. He said he likes that analog sound. He said it's warm and familiar.
Howard said he was doing the stats and it's quite incredible how he's sold 150 million albums. He said he's the third most successful selling artist in the world. He said he had 33 consecutive top 40 hits. Howard asked if it was cool doing the Kennedy Center Honors show. Billy said it was. He said he got to meet the Obamas and go to the White House. He said that was a fun night.
Howard said November 5th will be his 75th show at the Garden. He asked how many it holds there. He said it's like 20,000. He said they've played there over 120 times but it's the 75th consecutive show.
Howard said he heard he flies there in like 25 minutes in a helicopter. Billy said that A Hard Day's Night is great because you see the guys fly off. He said that he gets in one and he flies into the city. He said it takes him longer to get to the Garden than it does from his house out on Long Island into the city. He said it's such a rush.
Howard said that his rider for the concerts he does is like a menu at a deli. Billy said that was all for guests. He said that was never for him. He said he never eats before a show. He said you have to be hungry and not have a full stomach.
Howard asked Billy how aggravating it was to not be able to perform during COVID. Billy said it was pretty frustrating but he got to spend time with his kids and that was great. He said at his age to have young children is different than it was when he was younger. Howard asked if it's exhausting. Billy said it totally is. He said he takes his kids to school and people think he's their grandfather. He said he is that age.
Howard said he wonders how he's doing with two young kids. He said it has to be tough. Billy said it is but it's great too. He said it's frustrating that you can't have people over. He said he got cabin fever and he had to get out. He said he thinks it's like that for a lot of people. Howard asked if he rode his motorcycle a lot. Billy said that and his boat too. He said that you're good on a motorcycle. He said you're isolated from the world that way. Howard said you can go out and not be recognized. He said Billy knows what he's doing with the boat too.
Howard said the thing he was getting at is that Billy's wife said that they paid their band during COVID. He said he knows that some people didn't do that but Billy did. He said that shows what a good guy he is. He said that's an act of gratitude. He said that he imagines they were startled by that. Billy said he did pay them full salary for a year. He said he has a great band and he's happy to have them on stage. He said they sty with him even though he's not doing as many gigs as he used to. He said back in the day he wasn't able to take care of them the way he is now. Billy said he wasn't looking to say anything about that. Howard said he thought it was a good thing to do and he must have had to shell out millions. Billy said it was. He said he just wanted to take care of them. He said musicians really took it on the chin. He said that they had to wait for all of these venues to open. He said that it's still up in the air if they're going to be able to play and how they're going to do it.
Howard said the show at the garden they have to have vaccinations to get in. Billy said that's right. He said he's not sure if they'll have to wear masks too. He said if he had to wear one during a concert he's not sure if he'd want to go. He said that people may stay away because of that. He said it's all very iffy. He said the variant is throwing a monkey wrench into the whole thing. Howard said he applauds him for paying his band.
Howard asked how he picks the set list. He asked if he keeps it the same or changes it up. Billy said they change it. Howard played Miami 2017 and said he loves this. He asked if Billy likes his voice on this one. Billy said no. He said it sounds like someone else. Billy asked if he likes his own voice on his show. Howard said not at all. He said he would rather sound like so many other people.
Billy said that he's the same way. He said he'd rather sound like someone else. He said that if he was on radio he'd want to sound like Scott Muni. They talked about the old DJs like Allison Steele. Howard said he worked with Allison Steele at K-Rock.
Billy said he remembers the first time he saw Howard at WNBC. He said he was on the main floor and he saw him in the glass booth doing his show. He said he was set up to do an interview with Soupy Sales. He said Howard freaked out that he was going to do Soupy's show. He said Howard went off on a tangent about it. Howard said back in those days he was insane. He said Soupy was his boyhood hero. He said that he was such a shit head that he became irate. He said that he must have seen Billy walk in and went berserk. He said he was out of his mind. Billy said he scared the hell out of him. Howard said that's horrible. Billy said that's his first memory of meeting him. Robin said she's shocked he ever showed up.
Howard said he's not sure how he does the set list. He said he has a million questions but he's going to let him go. He said this man is too much. He said he's a great dinner guest. Robin said he can't do that with everyone. Howard said he wonders if he's as much fun after losing the weight. Billy said he still loves eating. He said he just eats less. Howard said he loves this man and his music is outstanding.
Howard said he's not sure how he picks a set list. Howard asked how many songs they do. Billy said maybe 25-28 songs. Howard asked what he has to play. Billy said you have to do Piano Man, Miami 2017 and New York State of Mind. Howard said you have to do ''Movin' Out'' too. Billy said yes. Howard played some of that. Howard said he should put together his set list. Billy said this one is one of the bangers that gets the audience going.
Billy said he's tried to get away with not doing Piano Man but the audience won't leave and they demand that you do the song. Howard said he's seen him do a few shows. He said they're great. He said he has to do Goodnight Saigon too. He said that he calls Veterans up on stage sometimes. He asked when he started doing that. Billy said it was right away. He said they did that right after the song came out and they were doing it on stage.
Howard said he reads the comments about this song and veterans will say that they respect this song even though Billy never went to Vietnam. Billy said he was told stories about it and this is how they felt. He said he wrote what they told him. He said that he didn't think he was the right one to perform the song. Howard asked if he felt that it was too corny or something like that so he wants to throw the song out. Billy said there are some songs that he wanted to throw out but became hits. He said that there were a few songs like that. He said ''We Didn't Start The Fire'' was one. He said that he was throwing a lot of stuff out with that one. He said second guessing yourself can be wrong sometimes. He said Linda Ronstadt was the one who told him to put that song on the album. He said she had the greatest pipes. He said she came over to his house once on Long Island. He said it was a real thrill. Howard asked if he was marred at the time. Billy said he was single. Howard asked if he tried to have some romance with her. Billy said he was too intimidated. He said that she ate like a pig too. He said she was ''Hangry.'' He said she wasn't able to get enough of the cold cuts his mom had. He said she was there and then she was gone. Howard said his head is spinning thinking about the two of them together.
Howard said he's wondering what it would have been like if he was married to a singer. Billy said if he was married to one and she wanted him to write a song that would have put a kink in the relationship. He asked who needs that kind of pressure.
Billy said he likes to think about how he's in the band and he wants to be in the band on stage. He said that's probably why he paid the band while they were off. He said that he can think about having a musician as a wife but that would be too contentious. He said it's not some kind of cosmic energy. He said he just ants a regular relationship. Howard said he gets it.
Howard said he thinks that he has kept him long enough. He said he has more questions. Billy said that they should do it again. Howard said please. He said that he will see him again soon. He said they'll work that out somehow. Howard gave him some plugs and wrapped up with Billy. Howard said he looks forward to having a 25 minute dinner with him at some point. Billy said lets do it.
Howard let Billy go and said there he is. He said what a talent he is. Robin said she can't believe he hates his own voice. Howard said he gets it because he doesn't like his own voice. Robin said you try to create something and you want it to have a look, sound and feel and you can't bring that out because you don't have those skills. She said that she gets that it can be eerie.
Howard said he wants to thank him for doing that. Robin said he's very generous to give that time. Howard said he took that time. He said he didn't really agree to it. He said they're going to get to more stuff on the next show. He said that he has to end it. He said next Tuesday Kristen Stewart will be on. He said Ed Sheeran might be on but he has had to cancel a bunch of things. He said he may be on next week. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:50am.