Howard started the show talking about how he's been in quarantine since March 14th. Robin said she thinks it was the 11th. Howard said he loves to know that. He said he's not going to count that. He said he's done with math.
Howard said his parents had a wedding anniversary on Saturday. He said he called his mother and she laughed when he wished her a happy anniversary. He did his impression of her talking about their 76th anniversary. Howard said he asked what year they got married. He said she had to get her wedding book. He said she isn't a numbers person. He said that's where he gets it from. Howard said she said she got married in 1947 and he was trying to do the math. He said he was going through all of that math. He said she was right that it was her 76th anniversary. He said he knew it was wrong. He said she was born in 1927 so she's 92 years old. He said he figured she was married in 1947 but he's trying to do the math with that. He said it keeps coming up that she got married at 16. He said they hang up and he had to write down the math. He said it kept saying it was the 73rd anniversary.
Howard said he's so bad with math. He said he called his mom and told her he got his calculator and told her it's 73 years. She asked what he was talking about. He said she told him she was never good with math. He said she had to call her cousin about the wrong math. Howard said she doesn't care about that. He said she was afraid that she'd never forgive her for getting it wrong.
Howard said 73 years is still a long time. He said on her 75th they have to have a big party. He did her laugh. He said they don't have any friends and they never have a party. He said they don't celebrate their anniversary. He said his father doesn't even know it's their anniversary. He said he's pretty fucked up at this point. He said he still reads the newspaper but he doesn't discuss it like he used to. He said he used to lecture from it. He said he would go over there and question him about things in the paper and he wouldn't get all fired up like he used to.
Howard said he prefers this personality more than the other. Robin asked if he's more affectionate. Howard said he's not. He said he has trained him to say he loves him when he says he loves him. Robin said he does love him. Howard laughed. He said he's not sure love enters into it. He said he doesn't think he was ever in love with him. He said he was watching the Michael Jordan special and he was talking about how his dad was his best friend. He said he never saw his own dad like that. He said he had people who disliked him who paid more attention to him.
Robin said Howard didn't really know his father that well. Howard said he knew he was angry. He said his dad was more like a landlord to him. He said he didn't know him and his dad didn't know him. He said he knew his dad loved his pens and his desk. He said he loved things and not him. He said both of his parents grew up with nothing and they may have been traumatized by that. He said they built up a shell around themselves as a safety net.
Howard said Beth makes him so happy. He said she asked what they do every anniversary and they go to Nathan's. He said that she wanted to get them some Nathan's but he said that something will go wrong if they do. He said both of them are very critical about things. He said that he'll get his mother something like chocolate and she gets upset about it. He said everything upsets them. He asked Beth not to send them Nathan's. He said that's their ritual to go there. He said they'd get the same meal every year. He said that was their thing. Robin asked where they would go. Howard said they'd go to Oceanside. He said that they lived near there.
Howard said he can imagine his mother complaining about it. He did his impression of his mother complaining about the food. He said he told Beth not to bother. He said Beth wanted to do it and order in for them. Howard said he thinks they'd be excited about it but he could hear their voices in his head complaining.
Howard had his mother complaining about people getting him gifts as a child and she'd complain about that. He said his parents claimed that they were the only normal parents around. He said he was on his own and he's still shaking from his childhood. He said he's thanking god he's grown up and doesn't need his parents anymore.
Howard said Beth arranged to get them Nathan's for dinner. He said he knew something would fuck up and go wrong. He said they had it all set to show up early. He said they eat at 4:30. He said he wishes that he could eat that early. He said he has to convince Beth to eat that early. He said they delivered the Nathan's at 4:12. He said they had it written on the bag that it was from Howard and Beth. He said they gave instructions on how to heat it in the microwave.
Howard said he figured they'd be done in 10 minutes. He said at 4:30 he didn't hear from them. He didn't hear anything at 5. He said he figured that something went wrong. He said he figured they were miserable and angry. He said at 5:31 the phone rings. He said hew as all worked up and defensive. He said it was a real pain in the ass to make this happen. He said Beth set up the whole thing. He said she's so sweet but even she was worried by 5:30. He said his mother called and said they just finished their Nathan's. He said his father at 3 hot dogs. He said Beth got them a chocolate shake and his mother laughed telling him about that.
Howard said he asked why they didn't hear from them for an hour. He said his mother had to heat everything up and set the table. He said he's still not sure what took so long. He said his mother had chicken fingers. He said his mother asked what this was and they told her it was from her son. He said his father was confused by the whole thing. He said she told him that it was from his son.
Howard said they were talking about that chocolate shake like it was something strange. He said his father is going to be 97 in a month or two and his mother is going to be 93. He said live it up. He said if you drop dead from a chocolate shake you've had a good run. He said they might as well do heroin at this point. He said it doesn't really matter.
Howard said his parents were happy. He said now they have a story to tell. He said his mother will be telling that story for a week. He said she already called his niece Pam about it. He said she texted him about it and talked about how nice that was. Howard said they're two old bags, they have to have some fun.
Howard said he had them throw in an extra hot dog. He said he wasn't sure if his mother would eat one. He said his mother told him there were extras in there. He said she was very happy and grateful. Robin said everything else is bad news but this. Howard said this was like going to the moon for her. He said his mother was talking about this man bringing food to their house like it was something strange.
Howard said his mother told him about people having pizza boxes in the garbage. He said she won't order it herself.
Robin asked if he was exhausted after that. Howard said he was. He said it was like a military operation. He said he had Beth come talk to his mother. He said his mother knew it was her idea. Howard said he didn't even try to take credit. He said he gave it all to Beth. He said his mother knew that because she's a giver and not a taker. He said his mother thinks she's a giver. He said he's not sure what she ever gave him. Howard had his mother and father talking about how great Beth is.
Howard said speaking of Nathan's he has Jon Hein Audiobook on the phone. He said he wants to tell the audience about Nathan's. The guys had some clips of Jon talking about Nathan's from his Fast Food Maniac audiobook. They had Jon going on and on about the hot dogs from Nathan's. Howard said this book gets better every time he listens. Howard said he wants to see Jon gasp in awe like he said he did in that clip.
Howard said he was praying to god that the delivery went well for his parents. He did his impression of his mother complaining about other things he's gotten her over the years. He said she complained about bugs in the flowers and getting fruit that they couldn't eat because there was too much.
Howard said his mother is like the mother on The Sopranos. He said he was so happy that she called up happy about the Nathan's. He said he was waiting that hour after it was delivered and he wanted to call. He said then the phone rang and they were about to get the verdict. He said he was sure that it could have gone the other way. He did his impression of his mother complaining about the food like it had gone the other way.
Howard said she could have asked why he didn't just send them a bomb. Howard had his mother talking about the chocolate shake and saying that she's never even heard of that. Howard had Ray talking about how they had never seen that shake at Nathan's. He had his dad asking ''who?'' when she'd talk about Howard.
Robin asked how Nathan's works. Howard had his parents talking about how you go up to a counter and order your food. He had his father talking about how he has hot dogs with sauerkraut on them. He said they never saw the chocolate shake and they never would have gotten it. Howard said his mother liked her chicken fingers.
Robin asked if they have always had chicken fingers. Howard had his mother talking about how that's what she always got.
Howard said you ask a question and they just barrel on. He said his father would never look at the big board because he knew what he wanted to order.
Howard said that was their 73rd anniversary. He said he was nervous all day long about that order. He said Beth was fine but he was worried. He said Beth would send stuff to his mother but even she got complaints. He said this one hit a home run though. Robin said she's very happy for Howard.
Howard asked what he can do for him. Pocket said that he watched Seinfeld's special and it was great. He said that Spade's new movie, The Wrong Missy, is great too. Howard said it really is. He said it's the number one movie on Netflix. He said there's a woman in the movie. He didn't know her name. Gary said it's Lauren Lapkus. Howard said she is so talented and funny. He said Spade works well with her. Howard said they went online and the reviews weren't that good for it. He said he sat there and laughed the whole time. He said so did Beth.
Howard said the premise of the movie is that Spade meets a hot woman, Molly Simms, and he invites her to a business retreat. He texts the wrong ''Missy'' and he invites this kook played by Lauren. He said that it was a fantastic movie. Pocket said that he's not sure if they planned it but there was a scene where Spade asked if he could check his breath with someone. He thought that was funny. Howard said you'll giggle the whole time watching the movie.
Pocket said that Sandler's wife is in it wearing 3 different bikinis. Howard said he didn't know her that well. He said she was good in it. He said that her name is Jackie Sandler. He said that he didn't know who she was but it turned out it was his wife.
Howard said Spade will be on later so he'll talk to him about that. Robin said she's sorry she hasn't seen the movie yet.
Howard asked how Robin is feeling. Robin said she feels great. She said the other day she sneezed and wondered what it meant. Howard said it means she has Coronavirus. He said they say that if you talk loudly that Coronavirus can linger in the air for 14 minutes. Robin said this keeps getting stronger and stronger. He said there are people who won't wear masks and it's making him so mad. He said this is to stop the spread of it. He said if you wear a mask you're liberal and if you don't then you're a fan of the president. He said this is getting stupid. He said he wants a political free day so he won't talk about it.
Robin said they're starting to open up around the country and what's making her angry is people congregating outside bars. Howard said he and Beth wear masks and he's not sure why people are politicizing this. He said he never would have predicted that the President would say don't wear a mask. Robin said people around him will but he won't wear one. Howard said everyone just wear one and bring the numbers down and then get back to work. He said he never would have predicted this. He said he can see the Joker becoming president and telling people not to wear masks. He said he can't talk about politics today. He said he's just had it.
Howard said he's going to play the clip and then play some people's reaction to it. Howard played the clip of Benjy yelling through this HazMat suit.
Howard said this is a random fan unloading on Benjy's acting. He played that clip and the guy said that he can't act and he should be looking for another job.
Howard said they took clips of him criticizing Benjy's acting and called a sports show host who had been in some B-Movies back in the 80s. They had him criticizing that guy's acting and he didn't like it. Howard played the call and Chris Wilding called in saying it was his dad who was talking to him about his movies. The host said he was in Frozen Assets. Chris had clips of Howard talking about how awful his performance was. The host got upset about him bringing up something from over 30 years ago. Howard told him he's the worst actor he's ever seen. The guy said he didn't even have any lines. They had Howard saying he was the worst actor over and over. Howard said the guy needed a critique and he got it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he works an essential job where he delivers gas to gas stations. He said the gas stations have a sign saying no mask, no service. He said you walk in and no one is wearing one. Howard said he wants to talk about the incompetence of the federal government and he just can't do it today. He said that the medical people now are treated like a joke by this administration. He said wear masks and the numbers will go down. He said the most patriotic thing you can do is wear a mask. He said that's what the President should be saying. He said it's not a big sacrifice to wear a mask. He said one woman complained that she can't breathe when she's wearing on. Robin said yes you can.
Howard said the President is saying that we have to go back to school and all of this. He said that's fine but wear a mask. He said people are walking around not wearing masks and he wants to shit on their heads.
Robin said there were places saying that you they didn't have to wear a mask. Robin said they had one person who had Coronavirus come to work and now 68 people have Coronavirus. Howard said we used to be looked up to. He said now it's like they're living in Bizarro America. The caller said that no one is wearing a mask when he delivers to these gas stations. Howard said if you do wear one then you're like anti-President. He said it's like a Batman movie. He said it's insane. He said he doesn't understand what's going on. The caller said he's a nervous wreck when he goes out. He said no one is wearing a mask.
Howard said there was a guy going around saying he wasn't going to wear a mask and he ended up getting Coronavirus. He said that people stuck together in the past. He said everyone should be wearing a mask. He said we need unity. He said this country is going to be bankrupt. He said he predicted it when Trump was elected. He said he has to get out of this discussion. He said he can't do this anymore. He said he'll end up getting letters from idiots.
Howard said Simon Cowell is having a hard time in quarantine. He took the call from fake Simon who did his name calling bit with Howard for a couple of minutes. Howard fought back with his own name calling.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that we have to be more diligent with the whole Coronavirus thing. She said she always wears a mask. Howard said he would think she would have a mask with his face on it. Mariann said she just needs Howard in her life. Howard said she's on fire this morning. He said she's right even though he's not sure what she's saying.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that her family has always talked about how he's able to discern interesting voices on the phone. She said that he's able to figure out how someone's voice is so good on the radio. She asked how he does that. Howard said he comes from another planet where they have super powers to do that. He said what a talent that is. Howard said he just hears a voice and thinks it's great. He said that he loves a compliment but this doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
The caller said that other radio shows and podcasts have grating or irritating voices. She said most people he puts on have interesting voices on radio. She said even Ronnie and JD are interesting to listen to. She said Howard has this ability to do that. Howard said he was attacked on all sides over the weekend but he'll take this compliment. He said he's going with this.
Howard said with that he's going to end the show on a high note. He said he's worried he's going to put on a bad voice. He said he knew to put Danica on with her great voice. He said he's going to randomly pick out a good voice. He took a call from Wendy the Slow Adult. Wendy did her Kermit the Frog impression. It sounded the same as Wendy.
Howard asked Wendy if she has gone to the bathroom yet today. Wendy said not yet. She said she's holding it in. Howard asked how long she's been up. Wendy said since 5:40. Howard said he'd think she'd have to go to the bathroom. Wendy said yes but she normally pees in the bed. Howard asked if she was wearing a diaper. Wendy said she was. Robin said thank goodness.
Howard asked if some of the urine got on the bed. Wendy said yes. Howard asked how much gets in the diaper and how much is in the bed. Wendy said her bed does get wet. Howard would ask questions about it and Wendy would say yes to everything he was asking. She said she just passed gas too. Howard asked if she ever does that and more comes out. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if pellets come out. Wendy said yes.
Howard asked Wendy if the bed has to dry out all day. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she would jump up and change her diaper right away but now she enjoys it. Wendy said yes.
Howard asked Wendy how long it takes the bed to dry. Wendy said it's about an hour. Howard asked if her mom changes the bedding every day or leaves it. Wendy said she changes it. Howard asked if she gags from the smell. Wendy said she does. Howard asked if she cries when she's doing it. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she is crying from the smell or from sadness. Wendy said she thinks it's the smell. Howard said she has such a great spanking voice that he knew that she'd be great on radio.
Wendy said she does puppet shows now. Howard said he has to get a camera on her for that. Wendy said yes. Howard said she could give a master class in being gross and she'd make money from that. Wendy said yes again.
Howard said it sounds like Wendy is just doing her thing. Robin asked if she's still in her shitty diaper. Wendy said yes. Howard said maybe he should get Wolfie on and get an update on Wendy.
Howard got Wolfie on and gave some facts about Wendy and how she got started on the show. He asked Wendy what the puppets are. Wendy said she does Kermit and a Piggy puppet but it's not Miss Piggy. Howard had her do her thing. Wendy did her voice of Miss Piggy and Howard broke it to her that she's doing Kermit and Miss Piggy. Robin asked to hear Kermit. Wendy did that and it was basically her own voice just a little deeper. Howard said they call Wendy ''Dim Henson'' since she's doing Jim Henson voices.
Howard said Wendy is always radio gold. He said Wolfie has been keeping track of her during quarantine. He said she loves movies and she's never seen Private Parts. He said they sent her a copy of it to review and these are her thoughts on it. He had some clips of Wendy talking about how Howard was okay in it and Robin was okay but she could have had funnier jokes. She said Fred was okay too.
Howard said don't get offended yet. He said she gave Private Parts a rave review. Howard played a clip of Wendy giving the movie and dirty diaper rating of 5 out of 4.
Howard said Wolfie realized something about how she actually hadn't watched the movie yet. Howard played a clip where Wendy said she hasn't watched it yet. Wendy said she was busy watching other things. Wolfie said maybe he can call her tomorrow. Wendy said she wishes that he didn't call her so much. She had some weird excuse for that. Howard said she doesn't wake up until 2:30 in the afternoon but then she claims she doesn't have time to do anything.
Wendy said that she has to work on her leg and get that straightened out. Howard said she has to be watching at least 10 hours of TV a day. Wolfie said she watched Ghost Busters 10 times in a row and didn't watch Private Parts. Wendy said when something comes on her brain doesn't function right and it doesn't tell her what to do. She said her tummy talks to her too. Howard said he has that problem too. He said his brain talks to him too.
Howard said you can't review a performance if you haven't seen it yet. Wendy said she's going to watch Private Parts today. Robin said she lied about seeing the movie. Wendy said she saw it on Showtime once when they had that free. She said she has seen it one time.
Wolfie said he asked who Pig Vomit was and she had no idea who that was. Howard said hew as the whole movie. Wendy said she didn't know that.
Howard said Wolfie got Wendy a Kermit the Frog and she complained it wasn't a puppet. Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to her about that and she complained it wasn't a puppet. Howard asked what the fuck is wrong with Wolfie sending her the wrong thing. Wolfie said Amazon said it was a puppet. Wendy said she knows what a puppet is.
Howard said this upset him. He said that Wolfie asked who the best celebrity gift giver is. He thought he was a shoe in. Howard said he's given her a lot of money over the years. In the clip Wendy said that she got bowling shoes and it was Jimble Kimble (Jimmy Kimmel) who sent them to her. She said she's dying to meet him. She said Jimble gives better gifts than Howard does.
Howard said he's pissed off about that. Wendy said Jimble got her bowling shoes. Howard said he gives her money all the time. Wendy said the shoes were maybe $13. Howard said she could have bought 50 pair with the money he's sent to her. Wendy changed her tune and said Howard Stern is the best gift giver.
Wendy asked if Beth has a fluffy kitty for her. Howard said they're all out. He said he didn't want to get into this with her but he thinks she shouldn't have a cat. He said they escape the house a lot. Wendy said they can run outside. Howard said this is why she shouldn't have a cat. He said they run away or get hit by cars. He said she's not taking care of them. Wendy said her mom does. She said she has saved a cat before. Howard asked why they want to escape her house so much. Wendy said that's because her brother keeps forgetting to close the door. Howard asked how many cats she's had. Wendy said maybe 20. Howard said this is why he can't give her a cat.
Howard asked if she said she performed surgery on a cat. Wendy said she did save a cat. She said she healed her up. Howard said please no more cats in her house. He said she's injured and she can't take care of them.
Wolfie said she said her cat shits all over the floor. Wendy said it does but she cleans it up. Howard asked if she used to go to the bathroom in the litter box. Wendy said she did. Howard said just go in the toilet. He asked why she goes in the litter box. Wendy said she couldn't hold it. Howard said just use a toilet. Wendy said there are other people in the house and she has to wait for them.
Howard asked Wendy if she ever made doody and covered it in the litter box like a cat. Wendy said she would. Robin said imagine that litter box. Howard said her doodies are adult size. Howard asked how she would go in the box. She said she would squat. Howard said he guesses she can't wipe. Wendy said no. Howard asked if she walks around with remnants in her ass. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she gets liter in her vagina. Wendy said yes. Howard asked what that feels like. Wendy said it's like cotton candy.
Howard said he has one other update. He said she's still not wearing a mask when she goes shopping. He said she has many preexisting conditions. He said she has a very laid back attitude about the pandemic. Howard played a clip where Wendy talked about people wearing masks and how she and her mom don't wear them. She said there's no reason to wear them since the virus will eventually go away. Howard said she's Dr. Wendy Fauci.
Howard wished Wendy a happy birthday. Wendy thanked him for that. Howard said she had some tips on saving toilet paper. He said just use a litter box. He said a lot of people are going to save money on that. Howard played her off with a song and they went to break after that.
Howard came back and said David Spade is loved by everyone. He said he has bragging rights for sure now. He said he's got the number one movie on Netflix.
David said he wasn't able to see Howard. Howard said he has an angle that shows his face in the best light. Howard said from front on it's so disturbing that they had to put it to the side.
Howard said it's 5:30 in the morning for David and he's a good sport to come on so early. He said he was about to give him bragging rights. He said his movie ''The Wrong Missy'' is on Netflix and it's number 1 worldwide. He said it's not just America but the whole world. He said he won't be able to leave his home now with that kind of fame. David said he can't step food in Cambodia right now because of it.
Howard said he told Robin he loved the movie. He said he texted him and let him know it was funny. He said this woman Lapkus is great. He asked if he knew her name. David said he did know it was Lauren Lapkus. Howard said he's never heard of her. David said she's well known around there. He said she's been in a lot of movies and TV shows. He said she pops up on things. He said this was a full lead movie so it was all riding on her. He said they didn't know how it was going to work out. He said you just hope it works out.
Howard said he likes this Lauren Lapkus. He said she's like a Jim Carrey kind of person. He asked if Lauren had to audition for them. David said she comes into a room with a one way mirror and they watch what happens. He said he's just kidding. He said he'll get serious like Howard always tells his guests to be serious. David said Robin looks great today. He said she has great lighting in that room.
Howard asked what it means to be number 1 on Netflix. David said you used to not really know but now they have an order. He said he wanted to see if it popped up so he turned on his Netflix and it was nowhere to be found. He said some of his friends said they had to type it in. He said it went up to number 2 and then number 1. He said over in Italy they sent him a picture of it being number 1 over there. He said then it was all over the world at number 1. He said that was really fun. He said it was all good news over the weekend. He said Ted was texting him about it. Howard said that's Ted Sarandos who is the had of Netflix. He said that has to be a relief. David said he has had movies that open and don't do well. He said he likes to see them show up in his inbox.
Howard asked if Sandler brought the script to him. David said there are a few guys who work with Sandler who ask him about scripts.
Howard said Sandler put his wife in the movie and she was very attractive and good in the movie. He said he sees why he doesn't screw around. Howard said he sees that Scott Stuber put his wife in the movie too. He asked if he can say that's nepotism and don't do that. David said he would never say that. He said he read this script and he wanted to do it. He said it took some time to find something but this came along and it worked. He said they had to figure out who was going to be Missy and who was going to be the crazy one. He said it all rides on Lauren. He said he was playing the straight man like he did with Farley. Howard said that's what it was like. David said that they knew Molly from Bench Warmers so they knew her already.
David said he was most worried about the main Missy. He said he knew Nick Swardson would be a hit. Howard said he was funny. David said they had to figure out who was going to play Missy and have her on the poster with him. He said Sandler said it might be fun to get someone that's not that well known. He said it's not like a movie with 6 months of previews and all of that.
Howard asked how they found Lauren. He said there has to be an audition. David said there was. Howard asked if they work with her in an audition. David said that's the fun part. He said you can have a meeting with someone who is big and they may not audition. He said they just have a meeting. He said this role doesn't come around a lot. He said they went and had a woman from Ireland send in a tape and she was really funny. He said they look at the videos and figure out who to pick. He said they had to pick between a few who were very funny. Howard said Lauren killed it. He said she was very funny and worked well with him.
Howard said Jackie did a great job in the movie. He said he was very impressed. David said she was fun on the set. He said that they shot it in Hawaii and he was on the set complaining. Howard asked what he complains about in Hawaii. David said it's too hot or too cold or whatever. He said he got there and it was cold at night. He said it was like 40 degrees out and raining. He said he was shivering in some of the shots. He said it rains a lot there so they have to stop shooting for a while. Howard asked how long it took to shoot. David said it was 6 or 7 weeks. He said they were churning it out.
Howard said he thinks that Lauren's carer is going to blow up from this movie. David agreed.
David said he shot the movie shaved so he looked different. He said he had darker hair and wore a wig. He said he looked so horrible that he didn't want to watch it. He said he called Swardson and said they had to watch it. He said they got about 5 of them to watch it and then Swardson pussed out. He said they were like two girls. He said they did watch it the night it came out. He said you're just in your house watching it with this whole quarantine going on.
Howard asked David about the nice house he has and if people are going to get upset with him for showing off his wealth. David said Howard said he has a poor room where he does his monologues. He said it looks like a Radio Shack. He said he's doing this shot where he has nice light. Howard said he has a nice home and it's very contemporary. He said he has pants and nice furniture. David said they Zoom'd last night and Chris Rock was on with him and some others.
Howard asked if he's participating in Zoom parties. David said sometimes Adam Sandler wants to do them with a bunch of comedians. He said there are other guys who want to do them like Tom Hanks and others. Howard said look at you. He said he doesn't like Zoom parties. David said they're fine and you just bring up what's going on. David said Cameron Diaz had just seen The Wrong Missy and she wanted to talk about that.
Howard said he went to this one Hollywood agent Zoom party and he was bored shitless. David said that's his agent who does them all the time. He said it drives him bananas. Howard said that's just not for him. David said he has like 500 people in there and he'll turn his camera off when he wants to eat. He said it's like voyeurism or something.
Howard asked if he gets put on the spot a lot in those parties. David said he does sometimes do jokes. He said you talk but don't want to talk over each other. He said you just do it and then you fade out. He said there are so many people that come in. He said you talk to them and then you just fade out when you feel they've had enough of you.
David mentioned a Beastie Boys documentary and Howard said he saw the Michael Jordan documentary and talked about how great that was.
David showed Howard a picture from his Saturday Night Live days. He said he was made to do a promo back then. He said Phil Hartman is in it and Luke Perry is there too. He had Mick Jagger in it too with Lorne Michaels. David said back then you don't have a camera phone. He said you're just working so you don't take pictures. He said someone had taken this and asked if he wanted some of them. David said he never thought he'd have a picture of that moment in time.
Howard said that's a great picture. David said Luke Perry was the host and Mick Jagger was the music guest. He said it was a great time because it was a ratings run. He said he was a writer so they asked him to do this thing.
Howard asked if he did a sketch with Michael Jordan. He said he saw that he was on Saturday Night Live. David said he did one sketch with him. He said he was really new at the time. He said he came in and he was very cool. He said he didn't want to bug the guy. David said he was in a sketch where they were all white basketball players and they didn't want a black guy on it. He said it was a sketch where they were back in the 50s and they kicked him out even though he scored 50 points. He said it was a fun time. He said he put a picture of that on his Instagram the other day. He said it's Jordan looking at him after calling him Pee Wee.
Howard said he saw the replay of a show where he did a bit with Steve Martin. David said he was asked who his dream cast would be. He said he'd put Bill Murray and Aykroyd in there. He said he likes Kristin Wiig, Kate McKinnon, Farley and Sandler. He said Phil Hartman he'd put in there. He picked Tina and Norm too. Howard asked about Bill Hader. David said he's great and Jan Hooks too. He said it's too complicated. He said Eddie Murphy too. Howard said he left out Chris Rock too. David laughed. He said he might be hosting.
David said he saw a review of The Wrong Missy where they said the critics were split. He said he was happy about that because it means some people liked it. He said that some reviews say that the movie is a piece of shit but then they say that they cracked up at some of it. Robin said it's number 1 so people have already chosen.
Howard said he and Beth watched the movie and they were cracking up. He said they were entertained by it. He said Beth went up to see what people were saying about it. He said they started reading the reviews and they weren't nice. He said he loved that scene where he got a hand job on the plane. He said he thinks that reviewers are afraid to admit they liked it.
David said there wasn't a lot of negative on Instagram. He said usually they'll shit on him no problem. He said things were positive about this movie. He said maybe it was low expectations. Howard said the fans will love the movie. Howard said he loved it. He said he just laughed through it.
David talked about how this quarantine thing is really bumming him out. He said they're opening some stuff up but it's nothing he wants to do. Howard told him to just stay home. He said we're supposed to be in this thing together and just wear a mask to help this whole thing stop. David said Howard really bums him out. He said he's talking about how it's going to be a minimum of 18 months.
Howard said he must wear a mask. David said he does wear a mask. He said it's like taking a bra off when you get home. He said he can barely breathe in the thing. David said that he's the one who will walk to the other side of the road if he sees someone coming a mile away.
Howard said Trump just tweeted ''Reopen the country'' 30 minutes ago. He said he's running the country so just do it. He said he doesn't get what's going on. David said they keep saying that things are going to open in 2 weeks. He said they're going to keep doing this until they get a cure. He said he thinks that way more people have it and it just doesn't affect them that much. He said maybe we all have it. David said you never hear that someone had it and didn't feel bad. Howard said most people will be okay but you don't know what category you'll fall into.
Howard said David was funny on Instagram with a video he had about buying essentials like Easter Egg Oreos. He said he likes what he's up to on Instagram. He said he thinks it really suits him. He said he ash a couple million followers now. David said it's fun to do. He said he may do something today since he's up so early for something he had to do. He said he had to get up for Howard.
Howard asked if he has had to sell advertising on his Instagram. David said he did it because he did this Lights Out show and Comedy Central had some problems. He said the show is gone and Comedy Central may go away too from what he read. He said Viacom isn't making money right now so they're hemorrhaging money. Howard asked what he's saying about Comedy Central. David said he read it in the NY Times that they might be going away. He said they have to get rid of a lot of their shows. He said they fired a lot of people. He said he started doing his Lights Out thing in his house and they told him it doesn't look like they're bringing him back. He said two other places have asked him to do it somewhere else. He said he's doing the monologues to keep his sanity.
Howard asked if it's known that he's not doing Lights Out now. David said it is. He said if the other places want to do it then he'll do it. He said it's hard to figure it all out. He said they had probably 200 comics on and a lot of well known people on. He said it was a lot of work. He said they want to be on the show to build up their social media.
Howard said he has an idea. He said if he has 2 million followers on Instagram then just sell some ads there. David said that most of the Instagram stuff does better than a cable show. He said they get maybe 200,000 viewers and he can get that on Instagram. He said it's always good to have someone take the risk. Howard said if they played a 30 second ad before his monologue he'd watch that. Howard said he should do that. He said it seems like something he could do.
David asked if people want him to jump on Zoom meetings to do things for them. Howard said he's getting a lot of that lately. David said he gets it and people ask him to do 30 minute commencement speeches and things like that. Howard said that's the last time you talk to someone like that when they asked you to do that. David said he did a corporate Zoom meeting for the first time. He said that was tough. He said it's a different audience. He said a call is a little weird when they're all introducing each other. He said they ask you personal questions for an hour and you're stuck there.
Howard asked David if they pay well. David said they better. He said he might do one as an experiment to tell his comedian friends.
Howard said the whole thing is a mess right now so you have to do things like that to make money. David said that he can't complain about things right now. He said Howard can't either. He said he can't do a Cameo thing like Jeff the Drunk. Howard said it's weird and he can't imagine what's going to happen with stand up comedy. Robin asked if he was asked to do a show in June if he'd do it. David said he's not sure. He doesn't think he would because he can imagine the headlines that he did a show and everyone died.
Howard said he was watching his feed the other day and he had an assistant holding his phone. He asked if she lives there with him. David said Heather came there this morning and she helped get this set up. He said she doesn't like it either. He said that everyone was scrambling in that first month. He said things were weird getting going. He said now he has a set up with a ring light like the Kardashians have. He said he gets things going and does them in chunks. Howard said he's not quarantining then. Robin said he mentioned he went out the other night with some friends. David said that's the most he's done. Howard said he's not quarantining then. David said he just has Heather come in to help out. He said he was with Whitney Cummings, Swardson and Tim Dillon and Theo Von. He said they went over to see Whitney's new house. He said they were separated and it wasn't bad. Howard said you can't do that. He said you don't know what category you're going to be in with Coronavirus. He said if there are 4 or 5 comics hanging out you don't know who you're going to get. He said you're not really quarantining. Robin asked if he wore a mask. David said he did wear it over and then took it off. He said they were in the pool and germs can't swim.
Howard said that comedians talk loud and they expel a lot of droplets. David said Howard has been reading about that. Howard said he doesn't think he's had one guest who is quarantining correctly.
Howard said David got up at 5 to come on today. He said he stars in the movie ''The Wrong Missy'' on Netflix. He said you think that not everyone would like the same comedy but the movie is number 1 around the world on Netflix. Howard said Ted Sarandos has to be in love with David because of that. David said he would run into him when he did stand up in Arizona because he used to live there. He said that he loves stand up so he's a comedy guy.
Howard said with Netflix there's a lot more experimentation going on. He said this movie might not have been made if it wasn't for Netflix. David said 100 percent. Howard said that they may not have found out about Lauren Lapkus without this. He said that you can get things done easier and there's not as much worry about putting it out. David said that Ted is very cool about that stuff. He said at Paramount they might be too scared to let Lauren be the star. He said that shows work because they can do things like that. He said they're not giving notes every day and messing up the movie. David said it's interesting because it's very hard to get a comedy to work worldwide. He said they know him from Grown Ups and other things but he's not Matt Damon over there. He said that it's great to be in something that the rolled the dice on. He said it's very different.
Howard asked if he got a boner making out with Lauren. David said he usually starts out with a boner. Howard said he felt like Lauren made herself look goofy in the movie but she's very attractive. David said she is. He said there's also Molly. Howard said he must have gotten a boner making out with Molly. David said Sarah Chalke dumps him in the movie and that's why he has to start dating again. He said Swardson talks him into going on a date and it turns out horrible.
Howard said now that he's number 1 on Netflix he will probably get a lot more offers. David said he isn't doing movies that much anymore. He said 25 years ago he did Tommy Boy. He said that's nuts. He said if they can think of something else they can do another one.
Howard said Tommy Boy got panned by the critics too. He said he and Farley were at their best back then and they made a ton of money. David said he's never been a critic's darling. He said he thinks it's a certain type of movie that they don't like and that just happens to be the type of movie he does.
Howard said he saw that Farley's brother was in the movie. David told Howard he was the guy who had his fortune read and was told he was going to die in a plane crash.
Howard asked if he's hanging out with Norm or anyone like that. David asked if Heather could get him his green drink. He said he's dying of thirst over there. Howard asked if he wants to get out of there. David said he's fine. He got his drink and Howard asked what that is. David said it was jizz that they sent him from PornHub.
David said he was watching some porn the other day. He said he wasn't sure where it was from. Howard said you have to know. David said it said he was getting ''free premium porn.'' He said he wasn't sure what that even means. Howard said that means he's a good customer. Howard said he thinks Premium porn is the longer versions of the movies. He said that it's like the full version of the movie. David said that's the annoying part. Howard said that's for major perverts.
Howard asked what kind of porn he likes to watch. David said he likes that Howard admits what he likes. He won't admit what he watches.
Howard said earlier that he heard he would play the Tiger King if they wanted him to. David said that they will probably make a movie about it. He said he was thinking about making a comedy about it but it's already funny. Howard said they already made a documentary about it so it's enough.
Howard said he knows he has to go but he has to congratulate him on The Wrong Missy. He said Lauren Lapkus was very good and the movie was fun. He said he follows him on Instagram and he's doing it all. He said he's like Mr. Hollywood.
Howard said he has learned one thing about him. He said the way he's socializing he thinks he'll be gone in weeks. David said he heard you can get it through Zoom now.
Howard asked what's written on his hand. David said it's just stuff he has to do today. David said he knows he's going to look at his hand during the day but maybe not at a list. Howard said that's probably his PornHub premium password.
Howard asked if he has seen any ''stuck'' porn. David said he has not. Howard said this is where a woman gets stuck somewhere and the guy has sex with her. He said he saw one where this woman puts her hand in the sink and she gets stuck in it so her boss ends up banging her so she won't lose her job. Howard said he's not sure what's wrong with him that he liked that.
Howard said it's great that he has the number one movie in the world on Netflix. He said all of show business is jealous of him. He said don't get carried away with himself. He said stay out of the pool with Whitney Cummings. David asked if Howard's parents are scared. Howard said he scared them with his thoughts on the whole thing. He said he wants people to live so he is scaring them.
David asked what's on the show today. He wanted to plug whatever it was. Howard said David is what's on the show today. David said he feels bad for the Tradio guys that they prank call. He said it's just some grandfather who is being pranked. Howard said he likes getting texts from him about what's funny on the show. David said he still loves the show and listens to new and reruns. Howard said today he followed Wendy the Slow Adult and that's not easy. He said she was talking about shitting in a litter box and that is not easy to follow.
Howard congratulated David again for his number 1 movie. He said he loves when he comes on the show. He said he likes him on Ellen's show too. He said he's very good on that. David said he will tell Kelly and Ryan that he says hello. Howard asked if he's doing the show today. David said he is. Howard said he doesn't think they enjoy him. Robin said they do enjoy him. Howard said he doesn't think so. David said he'll dig. Howard said he has run into Ryan here and there and they do say hi. He said that's it though. Howard said that he might want to bring up that there was a big controversy there. He said he thinks he should bring up Ryan being limber enough to do ballet. David asked why this is a thing. Howard said they did a whole thing about it on the show. David said he'll ask.
Howard gave David more plugs and let him go a short time later. David said he's going to go eat or something now. He said he'll check back with them.
Howard said he's number one. He asked who would figure that. Robin said she was going to ask what was written on his hand when they started. She said she had no idea it was his to do list.
Robin said she can't believe that David went to a party. Howard said people aren't taking this thing seriously. He said they're not even clear what this thing does to people. He said it's killing people and it's not a small amount. He said if you want to roll the dice then go ahead.
Howard said Robin should watch Spade's movie. Robin said she will. She said she always watches his movies.
Howard said Ronnie gave Jimmy Kimmel a sex tip the other day and Jimmy said he wasn't able to visualize it. Howard said he might have to end the show. He said he has some fan feedback though. He read through a bunch of things about George Stephanopoulos and about Ronnie's microphone where he had a very deep voice. Howard said the fans love hearing from Ronnie. He said Madison from Lithium there at Sirius wrote in about how that's just what she needed that day.
Howard said Ronnie was in a Zoom meeting after the show on Wednesday and he still had issues with his microphone. He had some audio from that meeting. The guys were all cracking up hearing his voice. The guys kept asking Ronnie to stay stuff in that deep voice.
Howard said J.L. Cauvin called in the other day with his Trump impression and he got a lot of great feedback. He read through some of that. Howard said Michael Rapaport thought he was the real Trump and tweeted about it. Howard said that got a lot of feedback from some fans who thought he might have called in.
Howard said that they got an update about Debbie the Cum Lady last week and she got a lot of response in the feedback. Howard read through some of that.
Howard said they have a little bonus about Debbie the Cum Lady. He said Sal followed up with her and asked why she was so into High Pitch Erik. He played a clip of Debbie talking about how she loves big guys because they're so manly. She said his high voice turns him on so much too. She said pretty boys don't do anything for her. She said Erik is a real man. Sal said he's very obese though. Debbie said it doesn't matter to her how big he is.
Howard had another clip of Debbie talking about what she would do to Erik if she was with him sexually. She talked about kissing him on the chest and working her way down to his soft cock and ass. She said she would scratch his prostate with her fingers and he'd come harder than he ever has. Sal asked if the smell of doody would turn her off. She said that it wouldn't because she'd be so deep in there.
Howard said Sal asked Debbie if she's afraid of STDs. He played a clip of her talking about being with a guy who has herpes and how she is only with him when he's not having an outbreak. She said she hasn't caught anything from him and she goes to the doctor to get checked very 6 months.
Howard said they talked about the tribute to Prince and they got some email from someone who worked for Prince who said Robin was right about how he would have hated that tribute show. Howard said he liked the tribute. Robin said she can't trust him with his estate then. Howard said he just said he enjoyed the show. He said it doesn't matter if Prince likes it, he's in the grave. Howard said he knows what he likes and he's not predicting what Prince would have liked.
Howard said the audience liked the Wack Pack audition tapes. He read through some feedback about that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to let them know that a dick gave her cancer. She said she chose the wrong one and she ended up with an HPV cancer. She said she went to a doctor who took her tonsils out and she found out she had cancer. She said she lost a bunch of weight thanks to that. She said that go to an ENT doctor occasionally because that's how she found out about her cancer. Howard said he came out against oral sex years ago. He said the HPV thing is horrible. He said he's sorry to hear what she's going through.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's on her way to work and she's in charge of taking temperatures and bringing kids in. She said she's all freaked out. Howard asked what business this is. She said her daughter owns a gym and they have a gym in Texas. She said she can't believe how many parents are signing their kids up for this. She said she's freaked out by the whole thing. She said she goes in there and she's the only one wearing a mask. Howard said he's sorry to hear that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said life is too short to hide in your house. Howard said that you can gamble with your life. The caller said he's going out on motorcycles in New Jersey. He said they say you can't go out after 8 but you're safer in full gear. Howard said there's a bizarro disconnect going on right now. He said they should all be scared of this virus that is killing people at an alarming rate. Howard said Texas had the single highest jump in cases yesterday. He said we're all in this together and he doesn't have time for nonsense. Robin said maybe put MAGA on a mask and they'll wear one.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said they're opening the beaches this weekend and the numbers are going to go up and up. Howard said he has to go. He hung up on Bobo and got in a plug for Gardein who sponsored the show today. They ended the show around 10:20am.
Howard said the best part of that was that Bill won a Jetski as the prize and he's a quadriplegic. Bill said he's an incomplete quadriplegic. Howard said for a long time that song was played almost every day. He said people loved it. He said it made no sense since he has an accent and Robin's dad didn't have an accent. He said they called him the Weird Al of incest song parodies.
Bill said when they went to satellite they invited him to do the song live. Howard said he liked the original version better than that live version. Bill agreed. Robin said he told this story in the song that was ridiculous. Howard said it was an anthem for molesters everywhere. He said everyone had a reaction to it. He said Bill was a one hit wonder sadly. He said he never did it again. Bill said he was a finalist in a Baba Booey contest. Howard said that's right but he only won that one thing. Howard said people said it was such a hit that it was the ''Let It Be'' of molestation songs. He said he brought out the fun side of molestation. Howard had the guys play more of the song.
Howard said he remembers hearing that as a judge and telling everyone else to go home. He said they're going down this pervy memory lane now. He said he was the Norman Greenbaum of pervy songs. Robin said she remembers wheeling him into the studio that day. She said she should have wheeled him right out of there.
Howard said that was the most dark fucking song. He said he wrote it in like 10 minutes. Bill said he did. He said Robin sat on his lap in the studio too. Robin didn't remember that. Bill said they took pictures after the contest. He said they took a picture and it's on his website HamHandsBill.com
Howard said someone asked him the other day about what happened to Bill. He said they asked who came in second. He said nobody cares. He said that song is still the number one requested song from death row inmates. He said they ask for that right before lethal injection.
Robin asked if he remembers her wheeling him into that event. Bill said he does. Howard said he is the Michael Jordan of creeps. He said he meant that when he said it.
Howard said they never met Ham Hands and he came wheeling in that wheelchair. He said he ended up selling that Jetski. Bill said he sold it for $3,200. Robin said that wasn't that much. Howard said he sold it to Dominic Barbara. Bill said he should have sold it to him. Howard said Ralph offered him like 1200 bucks. He said Jackie offered him $300. He said he was looking for a deal.
Howard said poor Bill had a prize he can't use. He said that the whole thing was a fiasco. He said it was horrible. Robin said they had never heard anything like that song before. They played more of the song. Robin laughed and said she liked that little tap, tap, tap that he gives. Howard said he likes his grammar in that where he talks about her ''butt cheeks is warm.'' Howard said they should have turned the whole thing over to the FBI.
Howard asked Bill how he's doing in quarantine. Bill brought up how they said a prayer and his mother is still doing well. Howard said he never prayed just so everyone knows. Bill thanked them for that anyway. He said that he appreciates the funny stuff about the Coronavirus.
Bill said he got a crazy email and he was able to do something called a system restore and he saved himself from that. He said he ended up getting hacked into and saved himself last time but this time he got hacked and he can't get out of this. Howard said for those who can't understand him Bill got hacked recently. He said this could ruin his non existent career. Howard said he has sensitive pictures on his computer and they're threatening his reputation.
Howard said the thing here is that he gets the same hacker email about once a month. He said they had something but it's just a scam. He said Richard got it a few years ago too. He said they tell you that they see you masturbating. He said if you blast that out to every person someone is going to fall for it. Howard said they know guys have done something bad in front of their computer.
Howard said there was a guy a while back who got a letter saying they knew about an affair he was having even though he wasn't having one. He said they send that to every guy and they know that someone is going to be having an affair. Howard said this guy figured it out and didn't turn himself into his wife.
Howard said this letter is very common. He said it has a password you used at some point and they say they hacked into your computer and recorded video of you. He said they threaten to send out video of you and they ask for Bitcoin. He said when they hit him with that he's out of it.
Robin said she fell for one email scam and she ended up sending money but getting it back when she realized she messed up.
Howard said he's sure Bill has weird stuff on his computer. He asked what kind of stuff he has. Bill said this guy claims he got him masturbating on his computer. He said he knows that's not true because he hasn't done it all this year. Howard asked why he's worried then. Bill said he had the password. Howard said they infect you with a virus and get passwords. Howard said change all of your passwords and move on with your life. He said don't send the guy money.
Bill said he reported this guy to some web site. He said that he wants people to be aware of things like this. Robin thanked him for that. Howard said they can't keep up with all of the reports of these kind of scams. He said the law enforcement can't catch these people. He said the other fascinating thing is that Bill stopped masturbating for a year. He asked why that is. Bill said it's been about a year. He said someone visited him to stay with him for the weekend and she had some fun. He said that last May he started waiting more and more and it ended up being a year.
Howard asked if this woman was fooling around with him. Bill said she was. He said he was waiting and waiting and he stopped masturbating. Howard said he's getting fatigued from this story. He said he's waiting for some girl to show up and she hasn't shown up in a year. He said maybe he can hold out a little longer if he does masturbate. Bill said he didn't plan this. Howard said it's good to hear he's doing well in quarantine. He asked if he has anyone with her. Bill said his mother is there with him.
Howard said he would have been more impressed if he said he made a deal with god to save his mother's life and stopped masturbating. He said it turns out he's waiting for this girl to show up. He said his balls must be the size of grapefruits.
Howard said he has taken nude pictures of him masturbating so he should just send him the 2 grand. He told Bill to go have a good day. Bill said he sent in another song parody. Howard said he knows about this. He said he's been chasing the dream ever since he won that contest. He said the songs are good but they never had the punch like that first one. Robin said it's like Chubby Checker trying to reinvent ''The Twist.''
Howard said Bill recently played El Chapo from jail masturbating to Robin. He wanted to play that but the guys didn't have it ready. Will said they can't pull it that quick. Howard said it was good but not as good as that first one. The guys played the El Chapo parody a few seconds later. Howard said that actually was good. He said he hopes his mom is okay. He said he has enough to worry about so don't worry about that hacker.
Bill said something and Howard just gave him a ''right'' and said he must get that a lot.
Howard said he was thinking about how shitty he feels now and he can't imagine what it's going to be like at 70. Robin said she was thinking about her birthday coming up and she's going to be 68. Howard said she looks very young. He said she doesn't have a wrinkle on her face. Howard sang a song parody like Bill's to Robin.
Howard asked Bill how long it took to write that song. Bill said it was pretty quick. He said it was a little while. Howard said that was some crazy stuff.
Howard said he's not sure why he'd worry about hackers when nothing can be worse than that song. He said he wouldn't go near him after that song. He said he has nothing to worry about. He said even if he was nude and putting his dick into a pizza no one would care. He said he's the guy with the Robin song. He said he could fuck a donkey and no one would think anything about it. He said he made a molestation into a sexy song parody. He said nothing can make his reputation any worse.
Bill said he did join one of his sponsors VPN so he wants to thank him for that too. Howard said lets say that someone wheeled him into the mountains and there was a goat. He said he decides to blow the goat. He said he starts rubbing the balls and penis and it's all recoded on his computer. He said then he starts to massage the dick and balls. He said then he puts it in his mouth. He said then he sees a mouse running by and grabs it and shoves it in his asshole. He said all of this is being recorded by a hacker. He said the goat cums and Bill swallows it all. He said the mouse dies in his asshole and it's all horrible and disgusting. He said you know how embarrassing it is. He said then a bear comes by and licks all of the jizz off his face. He said then he shits out the mouse and fucks the mouse. He said all of this is recorded. He said then it comes out that the hacker is going to release it. Robin said it's still not as bad as that song. Howard said even if he yelled out that he hates the Jews it's still not worse than that song. He said he has nothing to worry about. Robin said forget your reputation being ruined.
Howard said don't worry about his reputation. Bill said his home health aide, Maria, loves his voice. He put her on with him for a second. Howard said he can't believe he was going to pay a hacker because he saw him masturbating. Bill said he wasn't going to pay. He said it was a generic email.
Howard said lets say Bill is at home one day and he's with Maria. He said he ends up locking her in a cage but he's in full blackface. He said he's got a woman locked up and he's in blackface and then he records it on his computer. He said imagine the outcry. Robin said they would just say ''That's Ham Hands!'' Howard said before they release it he says he's the one who killed JonBenet. He said he also draws a picture of Mohammed. He said you're not supposed to do that. He said then he writes the N-word in feces on the wall. He said then he draws a giant feces swastika on the wall and then takes off his clothes and blows himself by getting on his back with his penis in his mouth. Howard said then he gets an email asking for 2 grand. He said then Bill spits his cum on Maria. He said at the end of the tape he cuts off his own foot and starts fucking himself in the ass with his own foot. Howard said then he reenacts 9/11 with toy planes. He said at the end of the tape Bill brings in one of those make a wish kids and slaps him in the face. He said when he does that he's wearing a ''The Jews Run the Banks'' t-shirt. He said even if that was all on tape his reputation would not be ruined because he put out that Robin song parody.
Howard said even if he was showing off a library of child porn on his computer... Bill said he doesn't have any of that. Howard said he knows. He said just imagine he takes a shit in Greta Thunberg's hair. He said even if that was the video it wouldn't be any worse than that song.
Howard said even if he was jerking off to a beheading video from Iran no one would think it was any worse than that song parody. He said they didn't even think they had a return address on that song parody when they got it.
Howard said Bill would be just fine after all of that. Bill said he never paid any ransom. Robin said he never should. She said that he is ransom proof. Howard said he could shit in a pie tin and smash his health aide in the face with a pie tin and he'd be just fine.
Howard said nothing is worse than that song parody. They played him saying ''Howard'' in that song parody. Howard said if there was tape of Bill going into a nursing home and shitting into the IVs of the patients there... He said no one could blackmail him. He said he has nothing to worry about. Robin said if they had hookers in rooms peeing on him they'd say that was a step up. Howard said Bill has nothing to worry about. He said please be worry free today. Howard said Bill has no reputation so don't have any worries. He said his song parody sent his reputation right out the window.
Howard said blackmailing Bill is impossible. He said it's as pointless as giving him a Jetski. Robin said Bill sent that song into the right show. She said no one else would have taken it.
Howard said even if he was as bad as bin Laden he wouldn't have anything to worry about. Howard thanked Bill for calling in and let him go.
The caller said he listens to the show while eating breakfast. He said he had to change the station today. He said the blowing the goat and jizz stuff got to him. He said he called in and made him listen on hold so he had to hurry up and eat. Howard said he was just trying to say to Bill that he has nothing to worry about with his reputation.
The caller thanked Howard for being a sane voice in this fucked up world we live in. Howard said he's not sure what's going to be but he has never seen such lunacy. He said he can't turn on the news anymore. He said he turned it on for 5 minutes yesterday and saw that the President says he's taking Hydroxychloroquine and he doesn't believe it for 5 seconds. Robin said she thinks that he's listening to them and taking crazy stuff.
The caller said that things are scary. He said that he used to be able to talk to someone and people would have common sense but the majority of people believe in this bullshit. He said it's insane what's going on in this world. He said he has family who think that Obama is going to jail. He said he heard JD saying we might be living in a computer simulation. He said he hopes we are.
Howard said there are people not wearing masks and they think they're some sort of freedom fighters. He said he can't imagine what people are thinking. He said no one is wearing masks in his neighborhood anymore. He said people should be afraid. Robin said we're dumb as hell here. She said we should be doing rain dances hoping for rain.
Howard said just wear a mask and be a patriot. Robin said she saw a story about a man who didn't want to wear a mask and this is a fake crisis. She said that he thought he was going to be fine and he ended up getting Coronavirus and he gave it to his wife. He said his wife is on a respirator and he's sick as well. Robin said he's now saying that no one should do what he was doing. She said he caused all of this for himself and his wife might die. He thinks that God will forgive him if she does die.
The caller said he doesn't wish that on anyone. Howard said these people are going to kill us and they're not helping. He said they're the enemy of this country. The caller said his wife works at a hospital and for the past 2 months it's been nothing but Coronavirus. He said she comes home crying. He said he tells people this and they still think it's a hoax. He said it's insane to him.
Howard said he saw Trump saying that the Trump haters want this quarantine to go on. Howard said no one wants that. He said we all want this Coronavirus to go away. He said that if he was Biden he'd be asking where his tax returns are. He said he'd stick to the simple stuff. He said this is all bullshit. He said you're the president so wear a mask. He said people are dying and losing their living. He said people can't go to work. He said wearing a mask isn't a big sacrifice. He said just put it on when you go outside. He said that's all you have to do. He said listen to medical experts. He said tis' nothing about being anti-Trump.
Robin said she loves people who get caught doing things they're not supposed to do and they get all upset. Howard said he wishes they would throw everyone not wearing a mask in jail.
Howard said he was watching something on News 12 in Long Island. He said they had a protest in Huntington about things being closed down. Robin said they were yelling fake news at him. Howard said one guy with no mask got in the reporter's face. He said if someone did that to him he'd stick a knife in the guy. He said he was right in the guy's face. He said he could see that as the guy trying to kill him. He said he would ask the guy to back up. He said he doesn't want to see people getting killed in the street but what do you do? Robin said she walks around with a shopping cart and hits them with it. Howard said you're in your rights if you do that. He said he felt really bad for this reporter.
Howard had the guys play the clip of the reporter asking this guy to back of. The guy said he has Hydroxychloroquine so he's fine. Howard said this is what these morons do. He said they think it's a joke. Howard said Trump is tweeting about that and saying that people hate fake news. He said he doesn't know what's going on in this country. He said he never thought he'd see the day. Robin said we're in deep shit in this country. Howard said they're sheep and they repeat what the President says.
Howard said he's not sure what to do. He said maybe bring that shopping cart with you like Robin said. He said he's afraid that this is going to get worse. Robin said imagine being in Target and having to tell people to social distance and the people react like that.
Howard said he doesn't want to spend all morning on this. He said he's outraged though.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's wrong with this fat fuck Benjy who is yelling at the governor and mayor to open up the city. Howard said he doesn't really know anything. He said that he wants the city open too. He said that they can't go without working. He said you have to wear a mask. He said that seems to be asking too much of people. He said maybe we can get back to work quicker if they just wear a mask. Robin said they have to social distance too. Robin said we have to make sure we don't all die or get sick.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he's the one creating all of this drama about Trump and the wearing of the masks. Howard said there was news about people not wearing masks and going to the beach. The caller said there was a guy at Lowes not wearing a mask just waiting for someone to start a fight with him. Howard asked who else is going to let people know. The caller said he just wants to hear Howard and Fred and Robin. Howard said he gives up on all of you. He said he has to bail out on this.
Howard said he has a new song parody to play. He said Phony Phone Call Magazine just said they've been called the number one phony phone call show. He read some quotes from the magazine about how great their calls are and how they got Phony Phone Call of the Year. Robin asked why they're just being recognized for the first time now. Howard said they're up against great competition. Howard said Richard is this month's centerfold.
Howard said because of this great honor from the magazine he's going to play a new phony phone call. He said that they used Gary's voice in this one. He said they called a Swap Shop show and had Gary annoying the host. Howard played the call and they were asking what your first job was. They took the fake Gary call and Gary talked about working in a record store. They had Gary annoying the guy with his comments and questions.
Howard asked if you can believe that's from Gary's book. He said he talks about spending money on records and trivia books. He said you'd think he would have bought a guitar and learned to play. He said now Gary is doing jigsaw puzzles with his wife.
Robin said she could tell that Howard was getting annoyed hearing Gary talking during that call. Howard asked what Gary would have been doing if he didn't get hired there. He said Fred found Gary and hired him. He said he thinks he'd be back in a record store somewhere. Robin asked what record store. She said there aren't any now.
Howard said he told Gary he shouldn't be doing puzzles. He said he should be the artist who takes the picture. He wondered how his family tree project is going. He said that's all water under the bridge. Robin said someone said that there's a Facebook page for her family. She said she was like ''Good luck...'' She said people with the last name Quivers are trying to find each other. She said she's not sure if they're related to each other. She said they have 3 different spellings. Howard said he thinks Ham Hands Bill runs that page.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's 100 percent right. He said he works for a delivery company and he delivers to this one house that has weeds up to the ceiling. He said the guy will come out and tell him that this is all fake. He said he calls him names and won't leave him alone. He said these people are nuts. He said the guy tells him that this virus is man made. The caller said that he ran into a cop who told him this guy has been nothing but trouble since he moved into this neighborhood. Howard said he's sorry to hear that. The caller said it's a concern for everyone.
Howard said he would just thank this delivery guy. He said that's a normal response. He said it's not getting into someone's face. The caller said most people are very nice about it. He said just wear a mask. He said it doesn't hurt anyone to wear a mask. Howard said that's right. Robin said you're taking away their freedom. She said how about taking some personal responsibility for your fellow man.
Howard said he's going to take a break and talk about preachers who are taking advantage of this Coronavirus thing. He said he has some updates on fisters who are in quarantine. Robin said please no. Howard said they're not fisting so don't worry about it. Howard said they can take more calls and have some fun. He said he will try to avoid politics today. He said that he hears from people about what a dick he is when he talks about it.
Howard said Donald Trump Jr. took a shot at him. He said that guy is such a genius that he would have made a fortune if he wasn't under his father's thumb. Howard said you can't argue with a genius like that. Robin said his brother said that after the election the virus will go away. Howard said you can't argue with geniuses like that. He said Don Jr. kills those animals so well. He said he prays to god that his comments will make his father love him more. He said he hopes he gets some love and attention from his dad. He said he's not killing those animals because he's an angry guy. He said he has never seen wisdom like that. He said this guy has taken the business world by storm. He said to be criticized by this guy is so damaging. He said he'd list all of his accomplishments but he only has a 3 hour show. He got off of that and took a break.
Howard came back and sang along with Tom Petty. He said poor Tom isn't here anymore. He said he thinks he would have known what to do. He said he became a fan later in life. He said that he used to play his records a lot and he thinks that they became meaningless to him. He said he became a fan later on though. He said he really appreciates his stuff. He said there's a great documentary about him. He said he's living the documentary about Michael Jordan too. Robin said she finished it yesterday and she was sad. She said she realized she can just watch it again though.
Howard said he was thinking he should have played basketball. He said it would have been cool. Robin said they appear to have so much fun playing. Howard said he would be the worst. He said he'd be worried he'd get injured. He said that they go flying through the air and smash down on their feet. He said he was thinking about how neurotic he is about his job. He said this has been going on since he got into radio at 20 years old. He said he's worried about getting sick. He said everything is about his work.
Howard said he did some homework and then spent some time with Beth and the cats. He said then he was right in bed by 9. He said he can imagine being a basketball player and what rituals they go through to stay in the game. Robin said Howard hasn't gotten very far into the documentary then. Howard said he's on the last one. He asked how many there are. Robin said there are 10. Howard said he's not there yet. Robin said there's one point where he decides to wear old shoes and ends up with bleeding blisters on his feet.
Howard asked if Robin got the feeling that Michael got sick from the pizza that was delivered to him in that one part of the documentary. Robin said she thinks so. Howard said that would be tampering.
Howard said he was late to the game with Bruce Springsteen too. He said he knew his music and played all of his songs on the radio. Robin said he was irritated by Gary and his worship of Bruce. Howard said now that he's older he has such an appreciation for Bruce. He said he did that song for that special where he and his wife did two songs. He said they get him when they do that. He said he likes Bruce stripped down with his wife. He said his song writing is very meaningful and soulful. Robin said that band was so fun to watch.
Howard said he was listening to Tom Morello on Lithium again. He said he never knows when it's on. He said they give him an hour to play whatever he wants. He said they say go to the app and get it on demand. He said he doesn't do that. He said he wants to just catch it when it's on. He said it's too much technology for him.
Howard said Tom plays the stuff he wants to play and he loves it. He said he wants to do a show like that and he gets that in his head to do it for 10 minutes. He said he never does it. He said that he wants to just do it but he puts too much thought into it and wants to make it into a full blown show with Robin.
Howard said they play Chris Cornell on the show and he looks up stuff that Chris did on their show. Howard said he was thinking about how he should do a show and talk about his interaction with Chris on the show. He said he wants to do it but then never does it.
Howard said he should play some of that Bruce Springsteen on Jersey 4 Jersey special. Howard had the guys play that. He stopped it to talk about how years ago he would have heard Bruce talking and he'd get overly critical of him. He got back to the performance and let that play. They had Bruce playing ''Land of Hope and Dreams.''
Howard said that they lean into each other and sing to each other in that one. He had the guys play some of their performance of ''Jersey Girl.'' Howard said it looks like they have a great relationship when you see them together. Robin said she saw them once and it was obvious that they had a fight earlier in the day. Howard asked if they have that other track. They played it for him a second later.
Howard said this song almost makes him want to go to New Jersey. He said he can go visit and see the outside of Robin's house.
Howard said one day he'll do a music show. He said it will happen. Robin said she doesn't know about that. She said she's questioning his taste in music after the Prince tribute and the Bachelor show with music. Howard said that show is so good. He said it's better than the regular Bachelor. He said it's called Listen to Your Heart. He said he and Beth were going to watch last night but it was on late. He said they decided not to watch it. He said she was watching Michael Jordan with him but she was unconscious in a second.
Howard said as soon as they're done with the show today they're going to watch the finale. He said that he wants to eat lunch first and do some meditation. He said then they'll watch it. He said Beth is okay with that. He said he has to Peloton today too but he's blowing that all off to watch Listen to Your Heart.
Robin said she was in front of the TV last night and that show came on and she was out of there as soon as they started singing. Howard said Jon Hein said the ratings haven't been that good for the show. He said he was bummed to hear that. He said the standards have been lowered for television. He asked Robin what the greatest show of all time was. Robin said Howard thinks it's The Sopranos. Howard said of course. Robin said she has tried to go back and watch the show again but she's having a very hard time. She said it wasn't that great. She said it was great at the time but it does not stand the test of time. Howard said he won't argue with her.
Howard said he remembers when The Sopranos came out. He said there was a movie called Analyze This that came out around the same time. He said he thought that was going to be like the movie. He said he had never seen a TV show like that before. He said they had such great characters on the show.
Howard said he thinks Uncle Paulie killed Tony at the end of the series. He said that's what he's going with. Howard said Game of Thrones was mediocre writing. He said it was very confusing and it wasn't so great. He said there hasn't been anything as good as The Sopranos. Robin said Breaking Bad you can watch over and over. Howard said no.
Howard asked where David Chase is. Robin said he's like Ham Hands Bill and he's a one hit wonder. Howard said The Sopranos was a great show. Robin said for it's time it was.
Howard said he has to get Robin laid. He asked Jon Hein if he's right. Jon said it is a fantastic show but not the best of all time. He said he would go with The Wire. Howard said that was a great show too. Robin said that show didn't maintain its quality through the run. Jon told her to stop it. Jon said David Chase did a movie called Not Fade Away and it wasn't that good. He said he was going to do a Sopranos prequel that was supposed to come out this year. He said James Gandolfini's son was going to play a young Tony. Robin said he can only do The Sopranos.
Jon said that Game of Thrones was great too. Howard said that he can't argue with Jon. He said the show was fun but it wasn't great. He said he's sticking with The Sopranos as the greatest of all time.
Howard said he just got a note from Jim Meyer saying that Robin can no longer talk about TV with him. Robin said she'll have to take that up with Jim. She said she actually has conversations with Jim about TV and she gives him suggestions. Howard said he had no idea she was talking to Jim. He said he has no idea where he even went. He said he loves that guy. He said he has worked with so many shitheads in his life. Robin said there's a song there. Howard said he was about to say that.
Howard said Vince Gilligan said that without Tony Soprano there would be no Walter White. Robin said that's what she was saying. She said they had a better story arc and better character development. Howard said he's desperately trying to change the subject. He talked about Gardein for a short time since they're sponsoring the show.
Howard said he's going to eat lunch and then watch Listen to Your Heart. He said he gets stuff in advance and he's kind of a hero to his wife. He said that she's so busy working on stuff and he gets it early. He said it forgives everything. Howard said they had 3 Roombas going this morning. Robin said she didn't get the mop. She said she got a steam mop. She said she's in love with that. Howard said now she knows something. He said she doesn't sound so smart talking about TV. Robin said she was able to clean her kitchen floor and it was sterilized.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein Audiobook who was talking about more TV shows. The guys had Jon talking about All in the Family for a short time. Howard said he thinks that people are going to rediscover this book now that quarantine is happening. The guys had Jon talking about Scooby Doo next.
Howard cut Jon Hein audiobook off and took a call from Ralph. Ralph said Robin is fuckin' nuts and it's the best show ever. He said you can't even compare Breaking Bad. Robin said the shit he watches he shouldn't even be calling in. She said he watches stuff you can't watch for 5 seconds. Ralph told her to give him an example. Robin said that Julia Roberts show was horrible. Ralph said it was so good. Robin said he was the only one who watched it. She said his taste level has really gone down.
Ralph said he has to talk about the ending of The Sopranos. He said it was all about tension and not about anyone getting killed. He said Tony didn't die. Howard said he did. Howard hung up on Ralph and moved on.
Howard said there's a reek in his apartment of shit too. Memet got on and said that smell is still there. Howard said it's hard to get an apartment with any kind of space. He said this is a nice place. He said he has a landlord who is MIA and he has rats in the walls. He said they played tape of it and it was frightening.
Memet said they did patch the hole that the rats were getting through so now they're dying in the walls. He said the landlord doesn't have an email to write him at. He said he doesn't have a phone with a voicemail. Howard said the smell of dying rats is what they have to deal with now.
Howard asked if they still have the rats clawing at the walls. Memet said they could hear them slowly dying in the walls and making death sounds. Howard said people are probably wondering why he doesn't just leave. He said there's no place to go. Memet said they have 2 floors and that's unheard of. He said that they have two bathrooms too. He said it was like a dream situation. He said now it's a nightmare.
Howard said when he met Beth she was paying about 2 grand a month for this tiny place that was barely an apartment. He said you can't get space. He said you know this had to be too good to be true. Memet said that's how fucked up living in New York is. He said they'd still rather live there than in a studio apartment down the street.
Howard said the show The People's Court reached out to Memet and asked if he wanted to confront his landlord and Memet turned it down. Memet said he thought that the landlord could make living there a living hell so he didn't want to do that. He said he wasn't sure if he could win and he didn't want people knowing where he lives either. Howard asked who is on People's Court anyway. He said that he figured that it would be a slam dunk win going on the show. He said maybe not.
Gary said the secret of People's Court is that they all get paid like they won no matter what. He said they get $2,500.
Howard said that Memet and his girlfriend are under a lot of stress. He said that they figured that he'd be at work all day and they'd be fine. He said now they're stuck together with rats. Memet said there's that shit smell at night too. Howard said he heard that she was trying to fix the shit smell. Memet said she figured out that it was the rubber ring around the toilet that was broken.
Howard said Memet and Mary got into a fight and he told her to take a deep breath and calm down. Mary got on the microphone with Memet. Mary said he told her to take a chill pill. She said they haven't been sleeping. She said he snores and farts and there's a lot to do around there so it's very stressful. She said it's chaos all the time. She said he is gorgeous to look at though.
Howard said when you tell a woman to calm down that drives them nuts. He said you can't do that. Robin said it shows you're not listening to someone when you say that. Memet said it's very stressful. He said that everyone who has someone living with them knows that.
Howard asked if Mary is doing most of the work around there. Mary said she's doing about 85 percent of the work. She said he has to do a lot to maintain his looks. Memet said he's doing the dishes around there. Mary said that he does take the trash out sometimes and he does load the dishwasher. Howard asked if she has ever sat him down and talked about splitting the responsibilities equally. Mary said they talk about that often. Memet asked if they believe this is true. Howard said yes and asked why she would lie. Memet said he asks her to clean the apartment every night. Mary said it's like once a week.
Memet asked what he can do around there to help. Mary told him a few things he can do. Memet said he didn't realize that.
Howard said Mary doesn't like it when Memet says that she looks good. Mary said she looked terrible the other day and he told her that she needed to chill out and relax. Then he told her that she looked good and she told him to stop it. She said tell her she looks nice when she looks nice and not when she looks bad. Memet said she actually does look nice all the time. Howard said he's not going about it the right way. Memet said she was freaking out about work and things like that so he went out of his way to complement her. Howard said he's not doing it the right way.
Memet said that you can't name a couple that's not fighting right now. Howard said he's not. Memet said he has a lot of space there. Howard said they have a lot of space that has to be cleaned. He said he has to participate and be useful. He said he tries to listen to that. Memet said they're working on it. He said he's glad they moved in together. He said he wishes they didn't have the stress of the pandemic. Robin said this will show if they can get through life together.
Howard asked how much they fight. Memet said it's like once a day. He said there are tears at times. He said they talk about it all before going to bed. Howard said Mary is making a face. He asked if there are fights every day. Mary said there is. She said she'll ask him why his underwear is on the stairs. Howard said it sounds like they're not on the same page.
Howard read about how Memet interrupted Mary during a meeting and asked about cat food. Howard said he could have just gone out and gotten it. He asked how tough that was. Mary said they live around 8 places that sell the same cat food. She said it would have been very easy for him to go get it. Memet said he has to get up at the crack of dawn for his job. He said he has been working for 4 hours when she wakes up. He said she's asking him to do things and it's just bad timing. He said he bets that Beth doesn't ask him to do things right after the show. Howard said she has asked him to do things after the show. He said he tries to keep her happy.
Howard talked about how Memet could have just gone and gotten the cat food. Memet said he went out and got some after getting on the subway. He said they got a kitten and it's harder to find the kitten food. Robin said they should have known they'd run out and should have gotten it ahead of time. Mary said they should have known but they've been crazy busy. She said there's so much going on.
Howard said he read that Memet is only showering every other day. He said that Mary has caught him smelling really bad. Howard asked if he's saying anything wrong. Mary said he has a nice musk and she likes that at times. Howard said he told Richard this the other day. He said if you smell bad it's almost over. Memet said he nipped that in the bud. He said the days are all running together during quarantine. He said he doesn't always smell when he sweats. Howard said sure you do. Howard asked Mary if he smells. Mary said he has this really good deodorant and he ran out. She said that there were a lot of smells in that apartment.
Memet said he loves living with Mary and he doesn't want to lose her. Howard asked if Mary takes a shower every day. Mary said she takes a bath and a shower after. Howard said if she started smelling bad he'd be out the door. Mary said she's sure.
Howard said Memet also burps and farts in front of her. Memet said it's not on purpose. Mary said he farts in his sleep and it's all the time. Robin said he's a dream farter. Memet said he has to sleep with sound too so he has birds chirping that she has to deal with.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that if Memet was famous she'd never complain about any of this. Howard said if he walked around smelling his wife wouldn't put up with it. King said that she doesn't have to get up early in the morning so she shouldn't be complaining. He said Memet should get her under control. Howard said King is plagued by a bad phone connection. King was cutting out so Howard hung up on him.
Memet said that they do split the stuff around the house 50/50. Mary made a face. Howard asked why that is. Mary said that they have different versions of cleaning up. She said that she takes care of the real cleaning up. Memet said he found old plates that she left laying around yesterday. Mary said she left it out during a meeting and he came in showing it during the meeting. She said she has to go off camera because he's in his pajamas. Howard said just clean it up while she's in the meeting.
Memet said that Howard would get upset about it too. He said just rinse it before putting it in the sink. Howard said if his girlfriend was making money doing something he'd clean that stuff up. Memet said just don't leave food in it.
Howard said this is another couple happy in isolation. Memet told him to stop it. He said their neighborhood is a nightmare. He said they do the clapping at 7 o'clock. He said people are taking it way too far. He said they were walking and not clapping. Mary said it was the first time in 5 days that they went outside. Memet said people were clapping and they were in conversation and they were berated for not clapping. He said people were pointing at them and getting disgusted with them. Memet said the clapping has to stop. He said Howard would go nuts if people were doing that to him.
Mary said she told Memet he was a sheep because he started clapping when they were told to. Howard said he was clap shamed.
Howard wished the two of them luck. He said he knows they're working hard. Memet said they need this pandemic to end soon. Howard wished them luck with the rats and the landlord. He said they have two floors so that's the lucky thing. Howard said Memet should shower. He said just clean up. Memet said he hears him. He said they both need to do their part around the apartment. Howard let them go after that.
Howard took a call from Memet from the future who was crying about his breakup with Mary. The guys had Memet crying over something and made it sound like he was emotional about the Mary breakup. Howard let Memet from the future go a short time later.
Apples said he thinks that he'd shower every 5 minutes if he had a girl as good looking as Mary with him. Howard said he thinks that Memet realizes that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that Memet and Mary are both guilty of leaving food out. He said if you have rats and roaches you can't leave anything out. Howard said he's right about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he has been dating for 2 years and he spends 45 minutes cleaning up when he gets home. He said it doesn't take that much time to do it and he has never had this woman mad at him. Howard said a lot of people think they have to have a mother take care of them. He said that you can't do that.
Robin asked if guys think this is normal. Howard said they do. He said he was running late for the radio show the other day so he wasn't going to make the bed. He said he said fuck going on the air and he made the bed. He said Beth said he could have left it. He said he had to do it because that's his job. He said he got laid for doing that. He said that's it. He said that's how it works. Howard said imagine wanting him. He said that doesn't happen every day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to say he's happy to hear his voice and he's glad he's paranoid as shit. He said he likes hearing about being locked in. He said he has seen a lot of people walking around without masks on. He said there are people getting together in groups of 20 or more and it's bad. Howard said it's upsetting. Robin said she thinks that she wants them to get sick but then that would overwhelm the hospitals. She said it's all about the impact.
The caller said his dad is a doctor and his mother was a nurse. He said he hasn't been able to see his father in like 3 months. He said they were supposed to be in Hawaii starting today. He said it all had to be canceled. He said he's an essential worker and he has to be at work every day. Howard said it's people being selfish not wearing masks. He said it's not just a number and there are people out there getting sick. He said he feels his pain.
Howard took a call from a woman, Lori, who asked Robin if she has incontinence after being post menopausal. Robin said it's about being post cancer. She said she could be dribbling now for all she knows. Howard asked if the caller is saying she has some pee after laughing and things. The caller said there are things like that happening. Howard asked Lori what she's doing. She said she has to wear a pad and it just sucks. She said she's 53 years old. Howard asked if she has gotten checked out by a doctor. She said she had three kids and she does go to the OBGYN. Howard said he would get that checked by a doctor. Robin said she knows a lot of people who have this. She said it's often just part of the aging process.
Lori said there are things you can get done down there but she's not getting them. Howard said just let it drip and wear a pad. He let her go a short time later.
Howard said some people wrote in about David Spade being on yesterday. He read some feedback about that. Robin said Lauren Lapkus is a great physical comedian. Howard read some feedback about Wendy the Slow Adult. He had some fan feedback about them being on the air during quarantine.
Howard said they have been offering the app for free for a while now. He said that if you haven't heard about Fist Fest you can listen to it on the app. He said that Wolfie went to Fist Fest and did some interviews with people there. Howard had some clips to play from that segment. They had guys talking about things that had been shoved up their asses.
Howard said Wolfie does a thorough job when he goes out and works. He said he still has ass nightmares after hearing that.
Howard had Wolfie on the line to talk about this. He said Wolfie recorded a fisting session at Fist Fest so he played that clip. They had two guys fisting and the very graphic sounds coming from it. They had a guy up to his bicep in a guy's ass.
Howard said the fisters call it a pussy. Wolfie said they call it an ass pussy. Howard said people want to know how they're doing in quarantine. He said Wolfie spoke to a ''fistee'' in quarantine. He said the guy is known as HungerFF. He said he's known in the fisting community for his prolapsed ass meat. Howard had a clip of Wolfie talking to the guy about his ass meat. He was getting into detail about what that ass meat looks like.
Howard said one of the Fist Fest events was canceled because of Coronavirus. He said HungerFF has been doing online contests with his asshole. Howard played another clip of Wolfie talking to him about that. He said he was shooting butt plugs for distance. He said he can shoot it out like 12 feet or so.
Howard said you'd think these guys would be out there trying to make a living. He said we've all had to make sacrifices. He said HungerFF has too. He played a clip of him talking about how he hasn't been fisted in over a month. He said that's the longest he's gone in a long time. He was used to getting it done a couple of times a week.
Howard said he believes we will all get through this and they'll find a cure. He said he will get fisted again.
Howard said that's the fister update. Wolfie said there was a clip of that guy talking about how he almost had to go to a hospital because he had a dildo pushed in so far. Howard asked why he didn't go to the emergency room. Wolfie said he was in Canada at the time and he was likely embarrassed by it. He said it took about an hour to get it out.
Howard said he heard this guy filled his ass with spaghetti and meatballs one time. Wolfie said that's right. He said they do a food thing and a guy eats it out of there. Howard said that makes him think we're pretty much doomed. Robin said this Rome just before the fall.
Howard said Chris Wilding was telling him he gets dick pics from married men all the time. Robin asked why get married and drag a woman into that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy whose phone was cutting out. He brought up the mask wearing thing. Howard said before he gets nuts with him the whole mask wearing thing is a sign of respect that you care about other people's heath. He said it has nothing to do with Jews and gold stars. Howard said it's despicable that we can't count on fellow Americans to wear a mask to keep droplets off of others. He said that if you think it's that much of a burden on you then you've never sacrificed anything. The caller said he goes to work every day and he's not wearing a mask. Howard said he needs a good discussion with a shrink. Howard said this must be Eric Trump on the phone. He said he recognized his voice. Howard hung up on the guy.
Howard said masks are not the enemy. He said why not just put spaghetti and meatballs up your ass.
Howard said tomorrow they'll have Jerry Seinfeld on the show. He said he has a new stand up special. He said he's a master of stand up. He said he's the creator of Seinfeld the TV show. Howard got in a plug for Gardein after that.
Howard said he doesn't listen to rap music because he's afraid he'll sing the N-word. He said years ago Jay Z figured it out. He said they changed it to ''Jigga'' instead of the N-word. Robin said it's time to end the human race because we're stupid. She said that they do this instead of finding a vaccine for Coronavirus.
Howard had some audio of Hannah singing the N-word. She apologized for singing it shortly after doing it.
Howard said years ago Kendrick Lamar brought a white girl on stage to sing and she sang the N-word in a song he was singing and everyone freaked out on her. Howard said that's like entrapment. Robin said there is no rule book so they have to stop this bull crap.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that you have to be middle of the road and not go off on everyone. He said you have to let people talk sometimes. Howard asked what he's saying. The caller said Howard is pissing off some of his listeners. He said he has to let his listeners talk. The caller said that some rednecks have some interesting things to say and Howard won't let them say it. He said he sounds like his dad. Howard said he's been at this a long time and has been in many radio markets. He said he isn't missing out on anything. He said that if he didn't cut them off you'd kill yourself.
The caller said that he has friends out there who are turning on Trump. He said that they're farmers who are getting fucked by Trump and they're turning on him. He said he had something else to say but he forgot. Howard said he has to cut people off or he'll stop taking calls. He said it gets frustrating to him. He said that he's sure that these people have nothing to say when he hangs up on them. Howard said he used to let people talk and his ratings would go right down.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he hopes his connection is good this time. Howard said it is. King said black people don't care about the white woman singing the N-word. He said it's white people who think they know what's best for black people. He said they don't care if they sing the song. Robin asked why Rachel got upset then. King said she's on a program and she thinks she has to say something. He said the majority of black people don't care.
Gary said he went and looked at that Kendrick Lamar thing again and people got really upset. He said Kendrick stopped the song and told the woman she obviously doesn't know the rules. King argued that his audience is boujee so they don't count. He said that's like Rahsaan. Howard asked why Rahsaan isn't a real black person. King said he has an air about him that he can't shake. Howard asked who the real rappers are who appeal to the real black people. King named a few. He said those are the rappers who relate to real black people.
Howard asked if Rahsaan wears a back pack. King said he wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't. Howard asked how real black people carry their belongings. King said they have it in the car. He said there is no reason to wear a backpack. Howard asked if Kanye West is a real rapper or a backpack rapper. King said the back packers lean more toward him.
Howard said he's looking at Rahsaan and he looks like a real black person to him. He asked Rahsaan if he carries a backpack. Rahsaan said he does not. Howard asked what he thinks about what King is saying. Rahsaan said King has some thoughts about him that are stereotypical. Howard said he thinks if he was near a clansman that guy would think he's a real black man.
Howard let Rahsaan and King go back and forth insulting each other. He took a call from a guy who said they can't let the show end with Larry. King said he knows what this guy is trying to do by calling him Larry. Howard asked if that's his white name. King said that sounds like a slave to him. Howard said Rahsaan has a real black name so he has King beat. King said he's sure that Rahsaan changed his name. Rahsaan said his parents got his name from the radio actually.
King said his real name is Lawrence, not Larry. Rahsaan said he was the one who stated calling him Larry. King said that he knows who Rahsaan really is. He said he knows that he likes to hang out in the village and there's nothing wrong with that. Robin said King is a wannabe. She said he grew up with money and not in the hood. She said he acts like he didn't because he's pretending. Rahsaan said Robin is right.
Howard said Rahsaan should admit he wants to wear a backpack. Rahsaan said he just wants Larry to be better than the stereotype. King said he just knows Rahsaan's type. King asked if there are juice bars where he lives. Howard asked if he's saying he lives with white people.
Howard let the two of them go back and forth for a couple more minutes. Howard said King once said that black women don't like to have sex. King said he had 4 black girlfriends and they weren't into it. Howard wrapped up with the two of them. He was about to let them go but King kept asking Rahsaan questions about what he has in his closet. Howard said this is all nonsense.
Gary said he's known Rahsaan for 6 years and he doesn't seem like he's a fake person. He said everything that King odes is a move. He said that he doesn't do what's real and true to himself. King said he does shave inside his nose so people don't see his nose hair. Gary said he's sure he watches Friends and things like that. King said no. He said he went to the barber yesterday and he was talking about how great Bill Maher is. He said he has real conversations with people in the hood. Gary said he's a fraud.
Howard was doing his impression of King asking Rahsaan questions like ''Do you ever read a book?'' and when he says yes he starts to make fun of him.
King was talking about a rap album by Cam'ron and said that Rahsaan doesn't know about it. Howard said he bets Rahsaan is quiet at the movies. King said of course he is because he doesn't want to upset anyone. Robin said he wants to get along in life and not upset anyone.
Howard said he's going to get a DNA test done and he bets that King has way more white in him than Rahsaan. Robin said King had a nose job. Howard said he didn't like his black nose. King said it wasn't because it was big. He said he just likes to look his best. Robin said he was trying fit in.
Howard said King once said to him that he wants to be a black man with white features. King said he did say that. Howard said he never heard that coming out of Rahsaan's mouth. King said that's because he just thinks it. King said he'll meet Rahsaan over at the juice bar. He said he'll recognize him from his backpack and Converse.
Howard wrapped up and let King and Rahsaan go. He ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard started the show talking about the rousing start to the show. Robin said he seems to be showing boobage this morning. She said he looks like Simon Cowell showing his boobs. Howard said he has to cover up. He said he's been falling apart. He said he's doing bench presses and stuff and he noticed he has titties like a woman now. He said it's just horrible. He thanked her for bringing that up. He said he wouldn't want to go through the whole show with his boobs showing.
Howard said he goes to dinner a lot with Jerry Seinfeld and he'd notice that boob thing. He said he can imagine him picking up on that and bringing it up in his comedy routine. Howard said he believes he's in the new special actually. He said he'll talk to him about that later. He said everyone loves Jerry. He said his show is considered the most popular sitcom in history.
Robin said he's a national treasure. She said she loves the audience reaction to him when he walks out on the stage. She said people love him from that show.
Howard said he's glad Robin pointed out his shirt. He said he knows it would have been a topic of conversation. He said he threw this shirt on for the TV show element of the show. He said you can barely see him in that though.
Howard said Seinfeld started with a story about a button that was in ''no man's land'' so he can imagine this coming up. He asked if he looks presentable now. Robin said he does. She said he looked like one of those guys. Howard said his chest hair is disgusting.
Howard said he has to do a couple of things. He said everyone loves that they do this one thing every year. He said they're going to do the Booey 100 for Memorial Day. He said they will feature the best Baba Booey songs of all time.
Howard said Gary will be involved with the special. He went over the story about how Gary got his nickname Baba Booey. He said that he said his favorite character was Baba Booey but he meant Baba Looey. He had some clips to bring people back to that day when Gary said ''Baba Booey'' for the first time.
Howard said he was so blown out by that. He said he remembers that day like it was yesterday. He also said that it's Quicks Draw and not Quick Draw. He said Gary says that's his favorite cartoon and he doesn't know the names.
Howard said Gary thought they'd forget about the Baba Booey thing that week but it's been going on ever since. He said they have hundreds of Baba Booey song parodies that they'll be playing on Booey 100.
Howard played some examples of the Booey song parodies they'll be playing. He had a Simpsons Booey and a Voodoo Booey that he played a little bit of.
Howard talked about how he noticed Gary clearing his throat and how that led to some song parodies. He said Gary would try to do the throat clearing quietly and he'd hear that in the meetings they had. He did his impression of what it sounded like. Robin said it was like Morse code.
Howard said there are a ton of songs about Gary's phlegm. He played an example. He played a Game of Thrones Booey parody. The played a Barbara Ann Baba Booey parody too.
Howard said one time they had a gospel choir come in for his book promotion and they did a Baba Booey song parody. Howard said this will all play out over Memorial Day weekend.
Howard said he has a montage of some of the other classics. He played that clip where they had a lot of short clips of the popular Baba Booey parodies.
Howard said they have many celebrity friends involved in it like Jeff Probst, George Takei, Nikki Glaser, Jackie Tohn, Michael Rapaport, Maria Menounos, Tom Bergeron and more.
Howard said he's getting new headphones because he has a squeal coming over. He asked if he's getting them soon. Someone said they are sending them. Robin said she needs new ones too. Their engineer said that she'll get some too.
Howard said he's just going to let it grow and get bushy. He said it will get heavy and long and it'll almost straighten out.
Robin asked if he's going to let Toni in at all. Howard said no way. He said that he's not going to a salon. He's not letting anyone in either until he hears that he's safe.
Howard said his mother called last night about her eyes bothering her and she wanted to go to the eye doctor. He told her she can't go unless she's going blind. He said she gets so upset with him if he tells her not to go. He said he told her to call her doctor and discuss it with him. She said she can't call him. He did his impression of her telling this story.
Howard said he told his mother to call the doctor and they told her to come in. She said she was told if she feels uncomfortable there she can leave. Howard said she'll end up with COVID-19 if she goes there for any reason.
Howard said he told his mother that she has to put a lot of thought into this if she wants to go the doctor. He said he told her to call Dr. Shlofmitz and talk to him about her problems before she goes into an office. He said if they tell her to come in because it's life or death then she can go. He said if she has to go he's going to figure out how she can have minimum risk. He said she's going to wear a mask and gloves and wait in her car until they're ready to take her in.
Howard was going on and on and said this was his night last night. He said he wanted to think about Jerry and what he wanted to ask him and he was busy with his mom. He said she's going to bring this home to her husband. She said he's not going with her. Howard said if she gets it she's going to bring it home to him.
Howard said his mother did call Dr. Shlofmitz and he told her to wait a few weeks. He said he's like Dr. Fauci to his mom and she's like Trump. He said he's not going to get into that but Trump says that he's wearing it like a badge of honor that we have the most cases of Coronavirus.
Robin said she has a friend who is a doctor who does elective surgery and she has no idea what they're going to do to keep safe. Howard said Trump is excited that we're killing more of our citizens than anywhere else in the world.
Howard did his chant to contact Joan. He got in touch with her and said he loves hearing her voice. Howard said he hasn't talked to her in 6 years and she sounds kind of down. Joan said she's so old. She said no one wants her anymore. She said she's so old that God calls her ma'am. She said she's getting over a case of COVID-1. She said she's very ugly too. She said she's so ugly that when Ray Charles is fucking her he wears a blindfold.
Howard said he thinks she's the funniest woman around and he always thought she was too hard on herself with her looks. Joan said her tits hang lower than Ronnie's balls. She said they double as fuzzy slippers. She said they hang so low she can braid them.
Joan said her vagina is so dry it squeaks when she walks. She said it's so dry she douches with cough drops.
Howard asked how things are in heaven. Joan said it's gotten very busy up there. She asked if OJ is dating again. Howard said he is but that's not what's going on. He said a lot of old people are dying of COVID-19. Joan asked if that's a rapper who is banging Khloe Kardashian. Howard said it's not but this thing is killing a lot of older people. Joan said that must be why it smells like Ben Gay.
Howard said he thinks that COVID-19 may have invaded heaven too. Joan said it spreads faster than Robin's ass cheeks over a bathroom sink. Howard said he likes that. Howard said that was a long time ago. Robin said it was just once.
Howard said Robin is into tap dancing too. Joan said she saw Jesus wiping Lysol all over his cross. She said Michael Jackson was diddling a kid and he was wearing two gloves.
Joan said a bunch of people just showed up who were killed by Murder Hornets. She told them to get away from her. She was getting stung and she said her lips are getting bigger. Howard let her go a short time later.
Robin said it's odd that things that are happening down here are happening up there. Howard said the writing was kind of confused.
Howard said there are 20 people on that thing and no one has ever done that other than Gary. He asked Jason what Gary is doing over there. Jason said Gary seems to have 2 setups going. He said he's not normally on that camera that he was on. He said his guess is that he's trying to do too many things at once. Gary said Jason is right. He said he's on an iPad and he has to be there to be on the air with Howard too. He said he hit the wrong button.
Howard asked if Gary has that ''slow down'' sign there in his office. Gary said he has it in his head. Jason asked if he should remind him once a day. Howard said that's a good idea. Jason said he'll do that. Gary said he'll tell Jason to slow down at dinner time.
Howard said maybe Gary has a hangover. He said he has been drinking a lot lately. He said he's the only one who has ever done that before. Robin said he has been doing this for a while.
Fred did his Gary puppet thing and goofed on him about the screw up for a short time. Howard asked if he has a ''slow down'' sign on there. Gary puppet looked for it but wasn't able to find it.
Howard asked Shuli if Sean is working and not using his bunker at all. Shuli said he's been waiting for years for this to come and he has to continue going to work or he has no money coming in. Sean said that if this was Ebola he'd be locked away. He said if they had something going on where they can't operate then he'd lock the bunker. He said that's not the case right now. He said the government is inflating the statistics of the death rate. He said his family is locked away in the bunker but he has made the choice to continue working to be able to pay for things. He said he's living off site for the moment.
Shuli said that he's renting a shed near where he works. Howard asked if he hasn't seen them in months. Sean said he sees them in the window but he's away from the house. Howard asked if this is a way to avoid the family. Sean said that it's not. Robin said she's not sure who is happier, the family or him. Howard said it's a toss up.
Shuli said this is where it gets interesting. He said he's self quarantining and going out in HazMat suits. He said there's a part of him that doesn't believe this is real. Howard said come on. Sean said that he's not saying that people aren't dying. He said the hospitals are getting more money for having more deaths. Howard asked where he gets this information. Robin said it's on the internet. Howard said it must be horrible to be suspicious about everything like this. He said at some point you have to take a breather.
Sean went into a conspiracy theory about a shadow government. Howard cut him off and told him how this Coronavirus thing really started. He said it's a global disaster. He said that it seems like that's not good enough for Sean. He said this is a great story for Sean. He said someone at a bat and it's killing the whole world. He said that he has to come up with an even crazier story.
Shuli said Sean thinks that this is a man made virus. Sean said that the story about the bat doesn't even make sense.
Howard said he has a dog man on the phone who lives in his backyard. He said that this guy claims he's taking good care of his wife while he's staying in the shed. Howard took the call and the dog man talked to Sean's wife and made it sound like he was fucking her and howling while he did it. Sean said that's ridiculous.
Howard said it seems to him that the disaster is everything he's waited for in life. He said this is the apocalypse. Sean said it's not the apocalypse. He said it's only killing 4-5 percent of the victims. Howard said it's enough to close down society.
Howard said Sean's daughter is on the phone to talk about how life is better without him around. He took the call from the fake daughter who was stuttering like Sean and talking about how good things are without him around.
Howard said he's glad to hear he's doing okay. Sean said that the dog men are not getting COVID and they have to stop with that. Howard said lets assume he's right about the dog men. He asked why the half man part wouldn't be susceptible to COVID. Sean said it has to do with the DNA. Robin said dogs are getting COVID too. Sean asked if Sasquatch is too. Howard said he thinks the bats thing is even more wacky than the dog men thing.
Shuli said that Sean thinks this is just a test run for when they want to shut us down completely to take our guns away. Robin asked why they would do that. Sean said that way they can control us completely. He said that will come by the fall. He said it will be martial law by fall.
Shuli said Sean is telling people to be prepared to eat your pets at some point. Sean said he's just saying that when things get bad enough that you'll have to eat your pets to feed your family.
Howard said he got special cat food that lasts for 5 years. He said he's prepared. He said he has food that will last for years. Robin said she's not planing on lasting that long.
Howard said if he has to he'll start eating the grass in the yard. Howard asked if he's still afraid of Justin Bieber. Sean said he has no idea who that is so move on. Howard said he has him on the phone. Sean said he has on idea what he's talking about.
Howard got fake Justin Bieber on the phone and Sean kept asking what he's supposed to do. Howard said he's going to move on. Justin turned into Alex Jones and started rambling about his conspiracy theories. Howard let the two of them talk about those conspiracies for a short time.
Sean said he knows that they will apologize to him when they do enact martial law. They ended up talking about aliens but Howard said he has to go. Alex Jones said he had to go take a pish so they'll be right back.
Shuli said there's so much more going on with Sean. Howard said he'll call him on the next show. Sean said he knows why aliens hide from us. Howard asked why that is. Sean said it has to do with their technology. Howard cut him off and said he has to take a break and get to Jerry Seinfeld. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back with Jerry Seinfeld and asked him what the meaning of that Foo Fighters song means. Jerry said that the world is ours and the virus is here to tell us that it's not. Howard said he knew Jerry was a Foo Fighters expert. He asked if he's even a music fan.
Jerry said this is the cat they gave them. Howard said that's Ramone. Jerry's wife Jessica stuck her head in too. Howard said he really likes her. He said he might have to interview her about his comedy special and his take on marriage. Jerry asked if he really thinks those are things he thinks for real. Howard said he just did that for comedy. Jerry said the whole bit about the tone of people was all made up. He said he has heard other people fight about it and he just made it up.
Howard said he cracked up at the bit he did about going on vacation and how it's just where you pay for an expensive room to fight with your wife. Howard said he thinks his wife would be offended by some of that. He said this is a new Jerry who is being brutally honest. Jerry said it's all made up. He said that they will say anything to make the audience laugh.
Howard said when he wrote that bit on his yellow legal pad did he ask himself if he had to talk to his wife and kid about the material. Jerry said they know that he doesn't mean anything he says at this point. He said that he hates when people think that what he said is ''so true.'' He said that's what makes it all funny when people think it's true to them.
Howard said he thought some of the stuff came from somewhere real. Jerry said some of it did but no one knows which is which. He said comedy uses ''truth'' as a tool. He said it's like a martial art. He said manipulation is the whole thing. He said people respond to the truth.
Howard said there's a chunk of business where he felt he was attacking him. He said he thought that he did things to Jerry that were part of the act. He said he felt like he was talking about him. He said he says that his friends are all annoying but he came to the conclusion that if he gets new friends they'll be just as annoying. He said he feels like he's a friend and he must be one of those annoying people. Jerry said he is of course. He said Howard must be annoyed by him too. Howard said of course. Jerry said they could get new friends but they'd be annoying too.
Howard said there's a bit where he talks about going out to dinner and people turn to him and tell him that he would love this restaurant. Howard said he thought that he had d done that to him. He said he was right about it in the bit. He said he doesn't know if he's going to love it. He said that's so god damn true and he did that to him. Jerry said that the bit is about how people single out a person and tell you that you have to go.
Howard said this is the problem with being friendly with Jerry. He said he's gone to dinner with Jerry and his wife and it's wonderful. He said he's not authentic around him though. He said he thinks about how he's writing material about him right there. He said he went out with them right before quarantine and he was talking to him about how worried he was. He said he could see that he had it on his face that he was writing material. Jerry said he would have told him he was. Howard said he can see how being friendly with him could be a disaster. He said he's very judgmental. Jerry said he's not looking for friends. Howard said everything aggravates Jerry. He said he knows he gets aggravated by everything too. Jerry said that's why he likes Howard.
Howard said Jerry's special is called 23 Hours to Kill and that's about how he has to kill all day until he's on stage for an hour. He said it's the most negative title he's ever heard. Jerry said yes. He said being on stage is the most vivid of his day. He said that there are heightened moments of life that make it pay a little bit.
Howard asked if he is watching this Michael Jordan special. Jerry said he hasn't started it. Howard said he thinks he'll like it. He said that he got the sense from Michael that life wasn't so wonderful. He said that he was more aware when he was on the court. He said he gets that feeling from Jerry. Jerry said that real life doesn't measure up to some people. He said some people do drugs to amp it up.
Howard asked how much truth there was when a woman yells out that she loves him in the audience and Jerry says that this is the perfect relationship and they have never met and never will meet. Jerry said he loves that. He said it really is perfection.
Jerry said he was at the Oscar's once and he met Meryl Streep in the aisle. He said she was right in front of him and he said ''I love you'' and she said it back. He said he just walked away and it was the greatest moment ever.
Howard said he met Meryl Streep and he went up to her and told her about how inspiring she was to him. He said that he saw the look in her eyes and he realized he was going on too long. He said Jerry had it right. He said Jerry just walks away.
Jerry asked why he loved the (Michael Jordan) special. Howard said that's a good question. He said Jordan willed himself to be the greatest player of all time. Howard said when he started in radio he was terrible. He said everything about his presentation was terrible. He said he wanted to work at it and make a living doing it. He said he spent 10 hours a day working at the station and he realized it is possible to will yourself to get what you want.
Jerry said he's going to adjust his perspective a little bit. He said that was not will. He said what Howard was using and what Jordan used was not will. He said it's love. He said when you love something it's a bottomless pool. He said that you have to love it sincerely to do it. He said when you do it because you love it then you find yourself moving up and getting good at something. He said will is finite and love is endless. Howard said he's right again. He said he's like a professor of humanity. He said it's a very thoughtful answer.
Howard said he would come up with things to do on radio and he'd think about how much the audience would like it. He said that is love. Jerry said real love can get you to accomplish anything. He said the other things will come in behind it. Howard asked if it's love or wanting to be loved. Jerry said he doesn't know about that.
Howard said he thinks that maybe it's trying to be loved. He said Jerry's dad didn't show him attention so this was his way to get it. Jerry said he's not sure about that. He said what Howard does is art. He said he wants to do something with that attention. He said when Meryl Streep glazed over that wasn't what Howard wanted. Howard said it was horrible.
Howard said when he's on radio he imagines that there are kids who weren't so nice to him listening to his show. He said maybe the radio people who worked with him early on are listening. He said that when Jerry is doing that special does he think about the other comedians seeing it and he'll blow them out the door. Jerry laughed. He said he's intensely competitive with himself only. He said he asks if this is his best version of himself. He said he's asking if he's not then how can he get there. He said that he loves other comedians. He said he has them in his office there. Howard said he has a book shelf there and he has record albums of Groucho Marx and others. Howard asked if he put them out so people see them. Jerry said yes. He said he changed a couple for today. He said he has George Carlin, Richard Kline and Alan Sherman.
Howard said Groucho at the end of his life got very old and feeble and he was no longer Groucho. Howard said he thinks that's why Jerry walked away from Seinfeld and maybe this is his last stand up special. He said he doesn't wanted to go out like that. Jerry said he might have him there. He said he doesn't want to inflict himself on people in a deteriorated way. He said he won't try to beat Seinfeld by doing another TV show.
Howard said he likes to see that Robert Kline got two spaces there. He said he really was the best. Jerry said he really was. He said he was like us and he was commenting on the world around us.
Howard said Jerry shaves every joke down to the very essence. Jerry said he did the best he could. He said he shot this thing in October. He said he's just now starting to feel it's good. He said he has done sets better than that. He said it's random to get it better. He said that it just happens at times. He said you can't will yourself to be great on a certain night.
Howard asked if he would tape every show then. Jerry said he can't have the set and the band every night. He said he wouldn't be able to do that.
Howard said the first bit Jerry did was very cut down and right to the point. He asked if that was new material. Jerry said he's been doing that for a while. He said that he was talking to the audience about the nightmare they had to go through to get there that night. He said he was able to get them right in with that bit. He said he's going to miss it.
Howard said in that bit he's imitating people who haven't had anything to eat. He said he mentions Jolly Rancher. Howard asked why he chose that. Jerry asked if Jolly Rancher or Life Saver is funnier. Howard said Jolly Rancher is. Jerry said to eat Jolly Rancher all day is funnier. Howard said they're not a great candy. Jerry said not really.
Howard said Jerry has pointed out that some words are just funny. He said he mentioned Port Zebby to him and he knew it was from MAD magazine. He said Jolly Rancher is ridiculous too.
Howard asked if he would have found other things written down. Jerry said sure. He said he was talking about Cream of Wh eat with his kids the other day and he was saying that his mother made it so thick it was like being in the hull of a slave ship. He said he had to change it from slave ship to Greek or Roman slave ship. He said that he made it Greek because it's one syllable less. He said that makes the act move faster. He said it's comedy at speed. He said that it's like acceleration in a race car.
Howard asked why Lenny Bruce is on his wall. He said he likes pure jokes and not like that. Jerry said he changed the form dramatically. He said Lenny came out and made comedy personal. He said that was a gigantic evolution of comedy.
Howard said he does a bit about cell phones and he says something about how you look at your own stuff like a gay French king. Jerry said that you have to keep in touch with people and you scroll through names like a French gay king. He said he scrolls with flourishes. Howard said it's really a great special. Jerry thanked him for that.
Howard asked if every comedian watches this thing. He wished that Netflix could show who watched it first.
Jerry said he likes doing things his own way and he doesn't begrudge people their resentment. Howard said he has talked to Jerry in private about this. He said he thought he got more out of Eddie Murphy than anyone in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. He said that he loves Eddie. He said that when he's interviewed he seems to clam up. He said he turns off the funny too. He said Eddie must have a respect for Jerry because they started out around the same time. Jerry said they worked together often. Howard asked if that's why he gave him the interview. Jerry said they all do the same thing and they respect each other. He said he thinks Eddie knows that he's not trying to get personal with him. He said it's just about being silly.
Howard said he liked the interview and he's never seen Eddie like that before. He said that it was all about comedy and laughs.
Howard asked Jerry about Eddie when he started out and if he was really bad in the beginning. He said he thinks Jerry remembers what they were doing back then. Jerry said he does. He said of course everyone develops. He said that no one thought that the show he did was going to come out of him. He said Eddie has a special relationship with that camera glass. He said he lights up when that camera comes on.
Howard asked Jerry if he saw Eddie and thought he was going to be the biggest thing ever. Jerry said not at all. He said there were people they did think were going to be big and they weren't. He said he won't mention those names.
Jerry said Eddie sent him a text last night. He said it was a picture of someone on a bus and one person is wearing a mask and the woman had an eye thing over her eyes because that's all she had.
Howard said he was the worst when he started on radio. He said people thought he was ruining the station because he was so bad. Jerry said that he was ahead of it and radio had to catch up with him. Jerry said Howard was bad because he didn't want to do what they were doing on radio. He said they had to catch up with him.
Howard asked Jerry if he was shocked that Eddie became big. Jerry said not at all. He said he saw Robin Williams and Andy Kaufman explode. He said Freddie Prinz was another one. He said you think it's going to happen to you too and it doesn't.
Howard said he would have thought Andy Kaufman would turn him off. Jerry said he worshiped him. He said he was the first comedian he ever heard of from Long Island. He said he had to go see him do his act. Howard said it wasn't comedy though. He said it was more of performance art. Jerry said it was.
Howard said he thinks Andy would have fit in on Seinfeld. Jerry said he's not sure about that. Howard said he thinks he could have played Kramer. Jerry said now that he says that he thinks he might ave been able to pull off that one character.
Howard said he didn't know that Jerry Stiller, who just passed away, wasn't George's dad in the first episode. Howard said they went back and shot that episode to put Jerry Stiller in it. Howard said he likes that they did that. He said he hated that they didn't do that with other shows when they changed characters. Jerry said that was Larry's thought to do that. He said Larry was right. He said Larry was always right.
Howard said he and Jerry did a Zoom cocktail party with their wives when this whole quarantine thing started. He said he asked Jerry if he was going crazy being in quarantine. He said this is something that gets him out of the house doing comedy. He said Jerry looked at him and said this was the greatest thing ever. He said he gets to spend time with the kids and his wife. Jerry said that was true. He said this is an easier adjustment than going back out will be. He said this to him is like respect. He said when nature has you beat you just go ''You got me!'' He said he is an arrogant person but he's not bigger and better than nature. He said this is nature saying it's got you here.
Howard said he would like to know what he's thinking during this quarantine. Jerry said he has the material to do another special but he likes to give a little less than you want. He said they could have done another few years of Seinfeld but they didn't wear it out so people still love it. He said he likes minimalizing things.
Howard said it's sad that he won't give his thoughts on COVID-19 in another special. Jerry said he could do it. He said that he's doing things he likes and Howard does what he likes. He said that's what people like. He said they want Howard catering to himself. He said that's his art.
Howard said Jerry did something really nice for him. He said he called him up to go out to dinner with him. He said he wanted to talk about his future in radio. He said Jerry wanted to talk to him about how confused he was about his future. Howard said he has never gotten a call like this from anyone. Jerry said it was so much fun. He said imagine having a dinner where you have rules. He said they said they would have dinner but not bullshit about anything but this issue. He said it was just this one thing on the table. Jerry said it's better than a shrink. He said they're at a similar point in their lives. He said he thought it was so much fun. He said he's never done that in his life before.
Howard said he told his wife that this whole thing was so great. He said that no one has ever taken an interest in his life like this. He said he was overwhelmed with emotion. He said they got to dinner and he got uncomfortable trying to switch it back to Jerry. Jerry said they did talk about him too. Howard said Jerry kept saying lets stick to the topic. He said he didn't have any pre-judgment. He said he listened to him like a psychiatrist.
Howard said the fact that he did that still moves him. Jerry said he's so glad to hear that. He said that he went of and called his agent about his decision after. He said he ran into Jerry a couple of months later and told him he was going to do what he decided to do. He said Jerry told him he was doing the complete opposite. He said it was like a smack in the head.
Jerry said he did an episode of Seinfeld where he and George decided to get married. He said he changed his mine right after. He did the same thing to Howard. Howard said this morning Robin told him that his chest was showing and he buttoned up. He said he was thinking about how Jerry could see that and he'd comment on it. Jerry said that was their fist episode of Seinfeld. Howard said he knew that.
Howard asked Jerry what he's doing today. Jerry said he's doing the audio version of his book. He said they're going to reveal the cover on his show today. He said it's called ''Is This Anything?'' Howard said that won't be out until October. Jerry said that's right. He said he's doing the audio version today.
Howard asked Jerry for a message of hope. He said he wants to know when this will be over. Jerry said he thinks it's going to be a longer view. He said when you have something like this going on you have to zoom out and see what's going on. He said look at history and what happened before. He said it's like an ant hill that gets kicked over. He said the ants look at it and just get back to work.
Howard asked Jerry why he does the Beacon theater. Jerry said it's got great acoustics and he knows how people are going to hear the show. He said he knows that people will have a good experience there.
Howard said he loves Jerry's wife Jessica. Jerry said she's great. He said she can take pictures and post them and they're very popular. Howard said the special is great. He said the special is on Netflix. He said it's the right amount of time and it goes by quick. Robin said she loves that word Drizzle. Jerry said that he hears a word like that and he thinks it's something he can make fun of. He said his comedy motto is ''No loitering.''
Howard said watch Jerry's special ''23 Hours to Kill.'' He said that's kind of sad in a way because he has to wait for that one hour. Jerry said you can also think of it like how comedians kill.
Howard asked if Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is over or not. Jerry said he might do more. He said he's not sure if he's done with it or not. Howard let Jerry go a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back and said he likes this song. He said he thinks there was a cover that was done like a hard rock song. He said Sal did a version where he sang about pissing on a girl. He said Katy will be on the show in June when they come back. He said he has a million questions for her.
Robin said that Katy was talking about how Orlando Bloom is riding the wave after their breakup and she was shocked by that. Robin said there have been a lot of celebrity break ups. She said that Brian Austin Green broke up with Megan Fox. They spent a minute talking about that.
Howard said he read about KROQ in Los Angeles the other day. He said the station was legendary. He said the guy who masterminded it was Kevin Weatherly. He said that guy was brilliant. He said he had the touch. He said he could predict musical trends. He said he didn't just read the charts. He said he was one of those guys that created the alternative rock format. He said he broke Red Hot Chili Peppers and bands like that. He said that it took balls to do. He said that he could have played it safe and played the hits. He said Kevin was the leader of this alternative movement.
Howard said they worked at WXRK in New York and they were called K-Rock even though KROQ was the real K-Rock. He said their format came out of KROQ. He said he was reading about the dismantling of KROQ. He said Kevin and Bean ended their show and he thinks that Bean is living in London now and fighting COVID-19 or something. He said Kevin kept the show going and this new guy came in.
Howard said Kevin Weatherly had a 30 percent pay cut so he left and went to Spotify. He said this new guy comes into KROQ and he's playing all kinds of news shit. He said they got rid of Kevin the morning guy and the ratings have dropped a lot. Howard said he was wondering what's going on there. He said they can't even say K-Rock anymore. He said they don't want to be associated with rock music. He said radio is so weird.
>Howard said Entercom owns the station now and they're cutting costs and getting rid of people. He said they let their friend Chris Booker go too. Howard said he got a note saying Bean has Coronavirus and he is recovering.
Howard said he has gotten to know Jerry very well and he is wonderful to talk to. He said when they get together the conversation is just like what you just heard. He said that's how it goes. The caller said it sounds like they've known each other for their whole lives. He said Jerry keeps getting better and better just like Howard has. Howard said it's fun that Jerry is still doing it.
Robin asked if Jerry really is thinking that was his last comedy special. Howard said you do have to end it at some point. He said you don't want to stay too long at the party. Howard said he thinks Netflix will offer Jerry a billion dollars and he'll do another one.
Howard took a call from fake Machine Gun Kelly who was doing a top 40 radio impression and playing some songs for Howard.
Howard said Memet thinks that he has figured out that he is retiring at the end of his contract based on what he heard during the Jerry Seinfeld interview. Howard asked Memet how he figured that out. Memet said that he thought that they both agreed to the same thing and then Jerry changed his mind and they're doing the opposite. Howard said what he meant was that they came up with a decision for each of them and then Jerry changed his mind on his decision. He said he and Jerry were talking about stand up and Comedians in Cars. He said they spent more time on him than Jerry but that's only because he insisted on that. Memet said he's on team Continuing on. Howard said he hears him.
Howard said a lot of fans wrote in about Memet and his beautiful girlfriend. He found some of that feedback and read it to him. Fans wrote in about what he and his girlfriend are doing during quarantine. Memet said he took a shower for her last night since she complained about him smelling bad. Howard said Beth was saying that once someone complains about their man's smell, like Richard, then things are in trouble.
Howard read some more feedback about Memet and people were saying that his relationship might be over after quarantine. Howard played a clip of an interview they did with a guy who had met Memet on the street and he ignored him when he said something to him. The guy said that he's a huge fan and Memet just put his headphones in and kept walking. Howard said they were doing interviews on the street and this guy brought it up. Memet said he would never do that.
Gary said he has a photo of Memet's desk in the office and it's got garbage all over it. He said it's very messy. Memet asked if they should talk about the deadly bacteria they found on Gary's desk. Gary said he's trying to deflect. Gary asked why he has food stuff on his desk. Memet said it was all paper work and stuff. Howard said you just have to pick up after yourself. Gary asked if he left used snot rags on his desk overnight. Memet said he would leave them there during the day but not overnight. Howard said he has to clean up after himself so he can keep that girlfriend.
Memet said he told the truth and that was his mistake. He said overall their life is great. He said he did hear what she was saying and she made some good points. Howard said some of the guys said that he leaves a lot of old stuff on his desk at night. He said he would leave oil blotting cloths on his desk. Memet said the house is going to be a lot cleaner now based on what they said yesterday.
Howard said Sal and Richard came to him and said that Memet was too gross for their office. Memet said that was a wake up call for him. Howard got Sal on and Sal said he's disgusting himself. He said that he would leave snot rags on his desk and it would flow over to Richard's side and his side too. He said he had to pick them up with a piece of paper. Richard said he had to put his foot on them to move them into the trash can.
Howard said Richard is the most disgusting and he does all kinds of things that are gross. He said he's saying that Memet is a dirty boy. Richard said he is. Memet said Sal masturbated at work. Sal said he threw his tissues in the garbage though.
Howard said his point of pointing this out is because he's living with this attractive woman and if he wants to keep her in the game he has to clean up his act. Howard asked if it's better with Steve Nowicki in the office now. Sal said he's great. He said he's like Felix Unger from the Odd Couple.
Sal said they even went to the shusher to talk to her about Memet. He said she was talked to at least twice. Richard said he would lose his keys or wallet every couple of days and it was so entertaining to watch. Sal said he lost his key card one day and came in freaking out and it turned out it was under a pile of tissues on his desk.
Howard said think about the reality that he can't working an office with Sal and Richard. He said for them to complain about cleanliness is something. Sal said Richard will blow his nose in his shirt and even he was grossed out by Memet.
Memet said that they used to rip ass in there and that's even grosser than the tissues. He said there's fecal matter floating around. Richard said that was kind of to get back at him. Memet said he's sure there's no farting going on in there now. Richard said that Steve doesn't mind it so much.
Memet and Sal and Richard were going back and forth arguing about what was grosser in the office. Howard asked if they threw him out of there. Richard said they didn't. He said he's not sure what happened there. Howard said it's crazy that they're calling him gross after everything they do.
Howard said when they did the Germiest staffer they didn't even test Memet's desk. Memet said that he did the test. He said that he didn't want to do his desk because he was running the test.
Howard asked the guys if they do the Zoom cocktail parties. The guys said they do occasionally. Howard said Ronnie said he wasn't going to do it again but he went anyway. He said he thought he was banning himself. Richard said everyone showed up to see if he was going to show up. He said it was huge.
Ronnie got on and said it was just one asshole who was upsetting him and he didn't want to let that one guy get to him. Howard said he heard he went in there and made a person cry. Ronnie said he never said he made anyone cry. Gary said he got on at like 7 and he said he made Mike cry. Ronnie said he was just kidding around.
Howard got Mike Fox on too. He asked if he was crying. Mike said there was some drama that happened but he didn't cry. He said he did leave on a sour note. He said Ronnie got on and he was getting his vengeance. He said he wasn't talking to Ronnie and all Ronnie did was say that you don't want to offend anyone so be careful what you say. He said he asked Ronnie to just be normal there. He said he thought Ronnie really hates him and he called him to see if he would talk to him. He said he thinks this is the only way they can communicate.
Howard asked Ronnie why he's mad at Mike. Ronnie said they were talking about the N-word and talking about the Jews and used the word Kike and Mike's girlfriend heard that and got upset about it. He said that he made a big deal about it and then wrote to him saying she wasn't really offended. He said Mike made him sound like a racist at the time.
Ronnie said he's not going to take his call. He said there was one Stuttering John on the show and he's no Stuttering John.
Mike told his side of the story and talked about the amount of attention Ronnie is giving him. He said this whole thing was about that word and he was just explaining the story. He said he never called him an anti-Semite or anything. Howard said maybe forgive the guy and get back to normal. Ronnie said he doesn't have to do anything.
Howard said he heard they were on the cocktail party for hours. Ronnie said it was like 2 and a half hours. Howard asked if they will ever make up. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Mike said he doesn't hate Ronnie and he has so much anger. Ronnie said he doesn't care if he hates him. Howard asked if Ronnie doesn't like him. Ronnie said he doesn't. Mike said he didn't know Ronnie that well but he would ask him what his problem is. He said he's not sure what the issue is. Mike said he was doing some stuff there and Ronnie said everyone hates him there. He thought it was a joke kind of thing but he thinks he was serious.
Howard said maybe Ronnie is jealous of Mike. Ronnie said he's really jealous. He asked what the fuck he would be jealous about. Howard asked if Stephanie was attracted to him at the Christmas party. Ronnie said sure she was. He said she screamed his name when she was fucking him.
Howard took a call from Apples who said he loves Ronnie but he has to forgive Mike. He said he's taking it too hard. He said it was the K-word thing that brought this all up. He said that it was just a misstep and his feelings were hurt. Howard said it doesn't sound like it was that bad of a crime. He said he thinks Ronnie is being overly sensitive. Ronnie said he apologized to his girlfriend already and he doesn't have to do that with Mike. Mike said he never asked for an apology from him.
Apples said that Ronnie only busts the balls of people he likes. Ronnie said that's not true.
Howard said he's not sure why Ronnie gets so mad about this stuff. Mike said he thinks there's something else going on. Howard said Ronnie yelled out Kike when someone said kite and Mike's girlfriend heard it and got upset. He said it was all a misunderstanding. Robin asked if Ronnie is upset with Mike for some other reason. Ronnie said no. Mike said he thinks he's getting the shrapnel from other fights he's had. Ronnie said that's not the case.
Howard said he thinks Ronnie misunderstood the story. Ronnie said he didn't at all. He said Howard is getting the third party shit from everyone. Howard said someone says kite, he thinks they said kike... Ronnie said that's not what happened. He said he knew he said kite. Howard said nothing bad was said about Ronnie. Ronnie said he understands it his way. Howard said okay.
Robin asked if Ronnie thinks that Mike hasn't earned the right to talk to him that way. Mike said that's what it is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie is old and Del Boca Vista is calling his name. Ronnie said he knows he's old.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's not sure why he has to be an asshole to his coworkers. He said he's being totally insensitive to them and he's better than that. Ronnie said sure, it's all his fault.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's wondering why it all has to do with Ronnie. She asked who cares if he said kite or kike. Howard said the story was funny that she heard the word kike but it was really just them talking about a kite.
Robin asked why Ronnie can't just let this go. Ronnie said he didn't start it. Mike said that people who were not him wrote notes and sent it in to talk about what an asshole Ronnie was. He said he had nothing to do with it. He said he went on the show the following Tuesday. He said it's not fair. He said that if Ronnie doesn't go to happy hour he's bummed out. He said he feels like he can't go. Ronnie said he doesn't care if he's there or not there.
Howard said he heard that Ronnie cried while watching Netflix the other day. Ronnie said he did because he had a bunch of emotions in his life that week. Robin asked if he just started crying. Ronnie said it was something during the show he was watching that affected him. Howard asked what show it was. Ronnie said he's not sure what show it was.
Robin said this is Mike's initiation into Ronnie's world. Howard said he doesn't like that his staff are fighting like this. He said Ronnie should make them feel secure.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that there's some revisionist stuff going on here. He said that Mike jumped into a story that Chris was telling about Ronnie and he made him out to be an asshole. He said he's with Ronnie on this. He asked who this guy is. Howard said maybe Ralph is upset about not being invited to the happy hour. Mike said Ralph wasn't even there and he's saying this is revisionist.
Robin asked if Ronnie is angry at the only guy he should be angry at. Ralph said he doesn't know about that. Gary asked why he's not angry at the person who recorded him without him knowing about it. Ronnie said he has no idea who that even is. Ralph said it has to be Chris Wilding. Ronnie asked what Chris even did.
Chris got on and said that Ralph should get off his high horse. He said he's the king of busting balls and now he's this elder statesman who can comment on these guys. Ralph said he has been an asshole many times and he's taken shit for it.
Robin said Mike didn't bring this up. She said he just corroborated a story that was told. Ronnie said he started the whole thing. Gary said that is not true. He said there were people who put a package together and it had nothing to do with Mike. Chris said it wasn't a group. He said it was him. He said the audio wasn't cut up and acted on until the notes were put up. Robin asked how they found out all of these other things that went on at the Zoom party. She said it wasn't Mike. Chris said it was mike. He said everyone there in the Happy Hour gave notes.
Howard said this is what he's going to do. He said he's ending this happy hour. Chris said they love it. Howard asked Ronnie if he should end it. Ronnie said no. Howard said it seems like an unhappy hour. Ronnie said one person isn't going to sway him from it. He said he's not going to let one idiot keep him from it.
Chris and Mike ended up fighting over who gave the details about what went on. Howard said Jason told him that 5 people contributed notes to the package.
Howard took a call from Hulk who wanted to comment on happy hour. Hulk asked them not to cancel happy hour because he needs to hide from his family for a few hours. He said it's a big part of his week so don't ruin it. Howard had him talk in his regular voice for a second. He did that but Howard had him get back to Hulk before he hung up on him.
Howard told the guys that they can do their happy hour thing. Ronnie and Mike went at each other again arguing with each other. Howard said apparently the staff is like Jerry Seinfeld's ''23 Hours to Kill'' because they need that hour of happy hour.
Ronnie said before he cuts him off he has to say that David Spade's new movie was the funniest thing. Mike said it sounds like he wants a cameo. Ronnie said he's just saying that it was funny. Howard said he agrees that it was very funny. Ronnie said the girl was funny. He said he laughed through the whole thing.
Howard said he has a song called Unhappy Hour. He played that for the guys.
Howard asked if the beer Ronnie drinks is called Morning Wood. Ronnie said it's a craft beer that Richard turned him on to. He said it's called Morning Wood and it's really good shit. Howard said even the beer has sexual innuendo. Ronnie puppet came on and talked about the beer he drinks. He also said he was crying while watching The Simpsons when he broke down crying.
Robin asked if Chris is angry at anyone. Chris said he's not angry but he thinks that Mike was poking the bear and he should just accept it. That got Mike and Ronnie arguing again.
Howard said he believes at the next cocktail party that Ronnie doesn't have to make a big deal out of anything if Mike is talking. He said when Ronnie is talking then Mike can leave Ronnie alone. Mike brought up his girlfriend and Ronnie went off on him about bringing her up. Mike said this is all dumb.
Howard said their office has drama and they don't even have an office anymore. Gary said there was a splinter Zoom meeting that some of the staff have started because they felt they were being overwhelmed by the rest of them.
Howard said he wants to hear what the audience thinks about this. He took a call from a guy who said he thinks this whole incident shows and underlying thing with Ronnie. He said he can dish it out but he can't take it. He said as soon as you get to him he gets all serious and that causes the drama. Howard said he gives them the silent treatment. He said this guy's point is good. He said he has a strong personality and people look up to him. Ronnie said no one looks up to him. Chris agreed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is acting like an old broad crying and all of that.
Howard took a call from Balls who said he thinks Ronnie gets shit for just being Ronnie. He said that there is no law book that says he has to forgive anyone.
Robin said that Ronnie seems to be the kind of guy who wants to get along with everyone. Ronnie said look who's talking. He laughed at her. Howard asked why he's laughing. Ronnie was laughing because she's not loving. Robin asked if there is anything Mike can do to get back in his good graces. Ronnie said no, he can go fuck himself.
Mike said that he asked if it was solvable but he didn't answer him. Ronnie said he told him to do whatever he needs to do.
Howard said Ronnie hated JD so much at one point after he canceled his car show. He said he loved having his own radio show. He said he asked JD to make that decision to cancel or not. He said JD canceled the show. He said JD did what was best for the channels. He said Ronnie got so mad that he threw a pole at him. He said now they're best friends. Howard said Ronnie took JD to get his engagement ring. He said there is hope for Mike and Ronnie. Ronnie laughed. Howard asked why he's laughing. Ronnie said he can laugh if he wants to. He kept laughing. He said he's crying now. Chris said they're trying to understand a mental patient.
JD said he has some advice. He said he just let Ronnie be and he eventually came around. He said he's not in his head so he doesn't know what he's thinking. He said just don't poke at him and stay back. Ronnie said he can poke at him all he wants but he has to be able to take it back. Mike said he can take it. Ronnie said no he can't. That led to them arguing again. JD said maybe there's no hope for them after all.
Howard asked if they ever get back to normal again would Ronnie invite Mike to the party. Ronnie said sure he would because he doesn't have to talk to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Ronnie should stick to driving Howard and give up the security.
Howard said some people wonder if he gave Ronnie too much power. He said he might be too full of himself. Ronnie said he's not.
Howard said Ronnie hated Shuli for a while but they made up. Ronnie said they realized where they work and they just went on with it. Mike said he's fine with him calling him names and all of that. He said he told Ronnie he doesn't have to talk to him. Ronnie said he won't talk to him.
Howard asked Shuli what it was like to be that Mike Fox character in Ronnie's life. Shuli said when they were on the road they would fuck with each other. He said he once got him a handicap hotel room so everything was short in the room. He said Ronnie went off on him about that and you just let him cool off and you can fuck with him again in the future. Shuli said they once had the van driver slam on the brakes like they were going to crash while Ronnie was sleeping and Ronnie didn't talk to him the rest of the weekend after that. Howard said if Mike got him a basket of dildos he would probably forgive him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Ronnie to show up to his zoom party. Howard said maybe he can show up as a gust at Zoom meetings. Ronnie said he doesn't think they'd go for that. Howard said he doesn't care.
Derek got on and said he was the one who started this happy hour. He said they're all supposed to be having fun in there and these three idiots are ruining it. Chris said they work on a radio show and this is what they have to do for the air. Derek said he will do or say anything to get on the air. Chris and Derek argued for a short time about that.
Derek wanted to cancel the happy hour. Gary said he enjoys the happy hour. He ended up going off on Chris for recording it and not telling Ronnie about it. He said he put him in a bad spot.
Howard said some of the best moments on the show are secretly recorded. Gary said they fuck with each other all the time. He said they picked a place where it wasn't supposed to happen and it happened anyway.
Ronnie asked if he caused any problems in happy hour. Derek said he didn't but Howard said he heard that there were some women who were upset by him.
Howard asked Ronnie why he doesn't start his own happy hour. Ronnie said he doesn't want that. He asked who needs all of this bullshit. He said maybe he shouldn't be in there.
Derek said there are some people who will sell everyone out on the show. Chris said Derek is just as bad. He said that he had him throwing shit at his head in the writer's meeting the first week he was there. He said Derek is a bully and he's the biggest piece of shit there. Chris said he moved there by himself and he lives for the show. Derek said he has nothing to be angry about. Chris said that everyone has problems. He said they don't talk about them 24/7 like Derek.
Howard said this is some happy hour. Robin said just add drinks to this. Howard said he hears a lot of things. He said he heard that one of the female staffers was cooking something and Ronnie said he was thinking something really dirty and didn't say it. Ronnie said he didn't say it. Mike asked why he would say that though. Ronnie asked why he's talking.
Robin said if you don't want something on the air then have a social life outside the show. She said if you have a staff party it might wind up on the air.
Howard started to wrap up with everyone. He said Ronnie is correct that he has an outside social life and he's having people over to his house. Ronnie said it was his neighbors. Howard said he's predicting that the happy hour will be awesome this week. He asked Mike if he will be there. Mike said he feels the same way he did the other day. He said he doesn't get to talk to everyone all the time. He said he will go. Howard asked if Derek will join. Derek said no, he's going to enjoy the holiday weekend. Howard asked if Chris will go. Chris said he loves happy hour so he will go. Ronnie Puppet said he'll go but he won't comment on Steve Nowicki's cunt even if he's thinking about it. Howard asked if Ronnie will go. Ronnie said he'll be there. Robin asked if Gary is going. Gary said he will be getting ready for the big weekend of nothing. He said he doesn't want to be recorded.
Howard asked if anyone is going to start their own happy hour. Ronnie said he can see that happening.
Howard said he was shocked by the revelation that Derek is a bully. Chris said they all have some bad qualities. Derek said he and Chris have been working together very closely for a few years now. Chris said he got the feeling that he didn't like him from day one. He said if someone doesn't like you, fuck 'em.
Derek said he thinks that Chris will sell out people for the spotlight because getting on the air is important to him. Chris asked if Derek has never done that. The two of them went back and forth for a minute.
Gary said they did a quick office poll and everyone seems to know about this Chris and Derek feud more than the Ronnie and Mike feud. Ronnie said these two are a really big deal.
Robin said they need someone to come in and solve this. Howard said he thinks Derek, Chris, Mike and Ronnie should be the only ones at the happy hour this week and they should record it so he can hear it.
Howard said this is the horror of the Coronavirus. He said that it's come down to this. Robin said there are people who have to live with people like this. Howard said she's right. Howard said be sure to have a good weekend and listen to Booey 100 on Monday. He said everyone is excited about that.
Howard got in a plug for Gardein and had the guys talking about how good it is. Ronnie said he made meatless meatballs for Stephanie last night. Ronnie puppet said he loves those and being pegged. Ronnie said he got that right. It turned out Ronnie may have gotten pegged last night. Ronnie said a little something may have happened. He didn't get into detail.
Howard wished his staff a wonderful break. He said he hopes they have peace and love amongst them. He said he hopes the happy hour is actually happy. Mike said he'll back off and see what happens. That led to Mike and Ronnie going off on each other again.
Howard asked the guys to say something positive. He went to Gary and got some nice words from him about taking the weekend to relax. Ronnie wasn't relaxing and said he's not worked up. He said he's not going to let this ''boon'' get to him. Howard asked what that means. Ronnie said it's his word so don't worry about it. Mike said he's not sure if he should be offended. Howard told him not to be.
Howard said forget the positive messages. He took a call from Ralph who asked him to go another 2 hours with this. Howard said he has to pee and he's freezing in his basement so he has to end it.
Howard said he likes Chris' attitude during this. He said he doesn't care about anything but the show and he got 10 bonus points for that. He said the show must go on. He said you have to be all in like Jerry said. He said he values each one of them.
Howard said he thinks that Ronnie has a stick up his ass and he means that he really has a stick up his ass. He said he really does love anal play. He asked Fred what he makes of all of this. Fred said he can't wait to find out what happens at the happy hour. He said this is the gift that keeps on giving.
Howard said he loves them all. He said he has to go. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:50am.