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Howard started the show talking about how exhausted he is. He said he doesn't sleep over the weekend. He said he gets up at 3 in the morning to do the show. He said he's excited about starting his day. He said his alarm wakes him up and his eye is throbbing. He said he's not embracing the day. He said he wants to go back to bed. He said he wants to get up and start doing things. He said he has a list of things to get to. He said work and time off are the same intensity for him. He said he treats painting like a job. He said he has to get in a few hours of painting. He said when he gets on the air he's under stress.
Howard said with the election count going on and on was very stressful. He said that if you disagree with him on this election then you can go fuck yourself. He said he's just kidding and he has empathy for you. He said hearing that Biden is putting together a task force to fight COVID is great. He said his spirits have been lifted. He said he has never seen a country fall apart like it has under Trump. He said this ignoring of a plan and saying we're beating it is wrong. He said there are countries where they have it under control. He said that Australia and New Zealand are a couple. Robin said that they have it under control in China.
Howard said people here are throwing up their hands and waving the white flag for the fight against Coronavirus. He said that it was exciting to hear that Biden won. He said it was very refreshing. Robin said it was like an adult was in the room. He said he thought it was comical that Trump was carrying on and not admitting defeat. He said the human thing to do is call and congratulate the winner for the good of the country. He said this whole thought that he was cheated out of the election is ridiculous.
Howard said that it's a bizarre point of view. He said if he was cheated then good, he's glad. He said it's enough of him and it's time to go.
Howard said disrupting the entire postal service was crazy. He said that if they had put that much energy into getting rid of Coronavirus he may have won reelection. Robin said there is something wrong there and he ignored the facts.
Howard said Trump lost the popular vote and the electoral college. Robin said Hillary accepted defeat like a man in 2016. Howard said she's got a bigger cock than Donald does.
Howard said the senators know that there is no election fraud. He said the best idea he's heard is suggesting when Trump leaves the White House he'll get a radio show. He said he thinks that's a great idea. He said go be a radio guy. He said he can talk about how everyone sucks there. Robin said he may start his own network and he'll go up against them. Howard said he's sure if he does that it'll be a failure like every business he's run. He said that he runs them like he handled this Coronavirus thing. He said the hard work doesn't interest Donald. He said he's not interested in the job. He said he's offering him a channel there on Sirius if he wants it. He said he can have Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh on his channel.
Howard said he's happy about what happened. He said he's happy for his kids. Robin said the work of the President still isn't happening. She said he's golfing and going on rallies. Howard said in other countries they put you right in office the next day. He said that they should do that here. He said that in 3 months things can be worse if the lame duck president does weird shit. He said these senators could do some weird shit too. He said if you remember back to 2016 they said he was going to lose to Hillary and he was saying that this was fixed and he was preparing for his loss. He said he's yelling that it was fixed this time too. He said when he won it wasn't fixed and when he lost it was fixed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he used to love the show but it's all liberal now. The caller said that Biden is socialist. Howard said if you accept Social Security or government work then you're socialist. The caller said he doesn't accept that. He said he works hard every day. Robin said that's a social program. Howard said Medicaid is socialist too. The caller said that Howard should get rid of Robin too. He said she has nothing to add to the show. He said she just giggles and laughs. He said that he used to love the show. Robin said she's been there the whole time. He said they didn't used to be so liberal about everything.
Howard said he is against insanity. He said he's not a liberal. He said he's voted for many conservative candidates. He said that this is incompetence. He said you don't want a guy who is tetched. The caller, Keith, said that Biden is just a puppet. He said he's nothing but a puppet. He said he has other democrats pulling his strings. Howard said his buddy Trump should be president of Kentucky. Keith said that they won't let Trump do anything. Howard asked why there wasn't fraud in 2016. He hung up on Keith and called him a dumb hillbilly. Robin said don't go down to name calling. Howard said when he hears that accent and the dumb thoughts coming out of his head he can do what he wants. He hung up on that guy.
Howard said that things are so ridiculous with this administration. He said Biden has already put together a task force to fight this Coronavirus. He said he prays that the next 3 months go by fast. Robin said Michael Cohen has said that there are 3 ways this could go and they may have to escort Trump out of the Whit House or he may quit and walk away from it all when he realizes that he can't steal the election. She said that he may just go to Mar-A-Lago and never come back.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if you communists are going to stop us from fucking our cousins. He was doing an impression of Keith. The caller said that things have been so bad the past 4 years and it's time to put this guy to bed. Howard said over 200,000 people are dead from COVID. He said 1000 died yesterday and the day before. He said every minute we're supposed to have a vaccine. It's not there yet.
The caller said we have to move on with a better country. He said he's tired of all of this.
Howard said over 3500 Americans have died since they did a show last week. He said this ain't America. He said we should be leading on this. He said waiting 3 and a half months for the new President is too long. He said he should resign and let Biden start now. He said he just won't do it.
The caller said he's been disgusted by this country for the past 4 years. He said he thinks we can get it back though. Howard said when the guy running middle east policy is your son in law things aren't right.
The caller also said ''fuck Benjy.'' Howard said poor Benjy. He said all of the audience agreed with that statement though.
Howard said Governor Cuomo will be calling in later this morning. He said he booked him months ago because he's promoting his book. Robin said that people even have problems with him. Howard said he admires the guy and his transparency. He said he likes the way he talks about the health crisis. Howard gave him a plug for his book ''American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic.''
Howard said he hates that they call him liberal. He said he hates that word. He said he doesn't vote for people who he doesn't think should have the job. He said that he doesn't get what the fuck some of these people are talking about. Howard said Donald is lucky he lost. He said the next 4 years are going to be a mess. He said it's going to be a nightmare. Robin said she doesn't think he wanted to win. Howard said it's not fun when you have people dying every day.
Howard said the level of people they had in that administration was ridiculous. He said that lady they had as the head of education was awful. He said they weren't reading briefings from the CIA and FBI. He said it all has to stop. He said it's craziness. He said he's anti-crazy. He said he's not a socialist. He said he worked his ass off his whole life. He said he believes in helping other people. He said people do need health insurance. He said in Canada they all have it. He said you don't worry up there. He said he's pro sanity. He said that's it, get over it.
Howard said Mike Pence is going to host a Coronavirus task force meeting for the first time in weeks. He said that he hasn't been doing anything for weeks. He said when the President is getting flagged on Twitter for fake information, what kind of world are we living in? Howard said Trump is busy fighting with Jimmy Kimmel and Bill Maher too.
Robin said that Rudy Giuliani had a press conference at a landscaping company. She found that funny too.
Howard took a call from fake Hillary Clinton who was just laughing and laughing about this Trump loss. The guys had her laughing and coughing after Howard asked her questions. She never answered his questions. She just laughed and coughed.
Howard said that was Hillary Clinton. He said no one has heard from her and that was her first interview he believes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to let them know that he did vote for Trump but he agrees with him that this election was not rigged. He said he lost it fair and square. Howard said this is all we've got. He said get over it. He said this guy is reasonable. He thanked him for the call and said that was a word of sanity. He said he gets the feeling that his whole audience is insane.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why the rest of the world is celebrating the fall of a dictator if Trump is so conservative. Howard said the rest of the world depends on us. He said when you start to embrace Vladimir Putin and that shithead in North Korea and all of this other stuff then our allies lose faith in us. He said it's going to take a lot of unraveling to get this damage taken care of. He said America came to its senses somewhat. He said that we're not even addressing the pandemic here. He said it's wishful thinking that it'll just go away. He said Trump got over 72 million votes. He said the country really is split in half. He said that Trump got a lot more than he thought he'd have gotten. He said if it makes him feel better saying he won then go ahead and say it.
Howard had some audio of Ronnie bitching about Ralph from a Zoom meeting. Howard played that clip and Ronnie was going off on Ralph about his name calling and how he didn't vote until this election. He said that just got smoothed over on the show. He said they didn't talk about that.
Robin said that she liked what Dave Chappelle said about hating the feeling of hating other people. Howard said he didn't understand what he was talking about. Robin said he said he hates the feeling of hatred. She said that he doesn't hate the person. Robin said he wasn't joking there. Howard said he likes jokes. He said his career was built on the feelings of hatred. He said he was great on Saturday Night Live. He said he really has it down. He said he's so relaxed that he can make anything funny.
Robin said that he just goes for it and tries to trigger the ''Woke'' people. She said he says these things and asks if he triggered those people. Howard said he's like professor Chappelle now. He said what drives him nuts is when he sees him with the cigarette. He said that he heard that even Keith Richards stopped smoking. Robin said Eddie Vedder said that last week. Howard said that's right. Howard said it's not going to end well for him if he keeps smoking. He said that he lives out in the mid-west somewhere now. He said that he used to tell him about the farm he had out in Ohio or wherever. He said he was kind of envious of that. He said he's very happy alone. He said he loves sitting in his house and not going out. He said that he wants to pretend that it's still dangerous out even when grey have a vaccine.
Howard said it would be a great movie to keep that news away from his wife when it's all over. He said that when Biden won they banged that day. He said that they had actual sex. He said he hadn't had it in a while.
Howard said he saw that David Letterman had Chappelle on his Netflix show. Howard said he ran into Chappelle at a party and he said he would come on their show. He said he said he would do it and he hasn't done it. He said he thinks he has some beef with them. Robin asked why he wouldn't tell him. Howard said he's not acting like he has no beef.
Gary said he doesn't believe there's a beef at all. He said he's tried to get him for so long. He said that he saw him n the lobby a couple of years ago and he came over and hugged him. He said he said he would come on the show but he doesn't think he's mad at them. Howard said he always loved doing their show. He said he did his Comedy Central show and they never saw him again. He said he knows he went through a lot. He said he figured when he got back on his feet he'd come in. Robin said it's not the same Dave Chappelle. She said he went to Africa and when he came back he wasn't the same guy. Howard said the new Dave is very muscular. He said he used to be thin and wiry. He said he hates that he smokes. He said the same about Eddie Vedder. He said these guys won't listen to him.
Howard said Keith Richards has confirmed that he quite smoking. Howard said Keith said it was very tough to do. Howard said he quit and he had a tough time with it too.
Howard said Alex passed away after he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Howard said he can imagine his mother telling his father the news. He did his impressions of his parents talking about it. He had his mother telling him the news and his dad asking ''Who!?'' when she told him the name. Howard was talking to his mom and dad in the bit. He had his mother talking about how she doesn't have the energy anymore. Howard told her she'd be okay. He had her breaking down and saying that she hates to burden him. Howard said she's not burdening him at all.
Howard said Alex was 80 years old. He said he hosted Jeopardy since 1984. He said he was one of the most iconic game show hosts ever. He said the original host was Art Fleming. Robin said they ended that show and then revived it. She said it hadn't been done for some years when Alex did the show.
Howard said Art Fleming died from pancreatic cancer too. He said a doctor said that answering in the form of a question puts more stress on the body and that may have led to that. He was joking of course.
Howard said that grey said it is ironic that they both died from it. He said this doctor said it was from long exposure to nerds. He said that nerds give you cancer so stay away from them. Howard said he loves that word nerds. He said he might have been a nerd. Robin said they're being embraced these days so it's good to be one now.
Howard said people didn't like him and even nerds didn't like him. He said he wasn't smart enough to be a nerd. He said he was nerd adjacent. He said they didn't call him for parties and stuff. Robin said they didn't have parties. Howard said they do but here are no girls there. He said he thinks he was a dweeb. He said they're nerds with no brains. Howard said he thinks that he was somewhere between a dweeb and a douche. He said he would have been happy to be friends with nerds. He said many nerds went on to have great professional careers. Howard said he had none of that stuff going for him.
Howard said he was invisible in school. He said that no one knew he graduated from high school. He said he was sub human. He said he was a ''dwooche'' which is between a dweeb and a douche. He said he didn't have the patience for Dungeons and Dragons. He said he had his own group and no one knew what he was.
Howard said these guys were going to go on to be big doctors and lawyers and have girlfriend. Robin said they weren't nerds. She said those were the really smart guys. She said they were the inventor guys. Howard said he had a friend who was a nerd who went on to be a gynecologist.
Robin said she went to visit MIT and that's their world. She said here were nerd girls and nerd boys. Howard said he was like a leper. He said there was a kid in his high school who was blind. He said he was really blind and not just legally blind. He said the hottest chick in the high school would walk around with him. He said they were like his best friend. He said that kid was doing better than him.
Howard said things started going bad back in Roosevelt. He said they still had some white people there. He said things were going poorly and they were so bad that he had a friend who was a white guy and he had an older brother. He said this older brother was a cool guy with a band. He said he played guitar and he was the guy who let them smell his finger after he was with a girl. He said that he was like ''Oh my god'' when he heard about what he did. He said it was a big moment in his life. Robin said that's not a nerd, that's something else. Howard said he's in the middle of the Alex Trebek obituary for those who were wondering. He said he has to stretch it out.
Howard said Alan Thicke signed Alex Trebek to a game show up in Canada. He said he thinks that's what it was. Howard read some notes and said that's right.
Howard got back to the smelling of the finger thing. He said it was a nasty smell that they smelled. He said if he could have a cartoon called Howard Stern the High School Years that's a scene he was going to do. He said he would have had him stick out his finger like it was the best thing ever. He said the smell wasn't good. He said he's not sure what was going on there. He said he may have stuck his finger up his ass for all he knows.
Howard said that this guy had a facial tick where he'd do this snort. He said he'd snort and his nose would kind of move and his head would twitch. He demonstrated it for Robin. He said it was like a chicken. He said he started doing that to try to be cool. He said he'd do that tick and start shaking his head. He said no one said anything but he thought he was getting some acceptance. He said that he did it at home one day and his mother was like ''What are you doing?'' He said that she was asking him why he was making minnis. He said that was some word that meant that's when you do things with your body that you're not supposed to. He said that his father would come home and talk about people doing minnis in the street. He said when his mother saw that she called him out on it. He said she wanted to take him to the doctor. He said that she put a stop to that. He said it wasn't flying with her. He said his mother knew a guy who made minnis and he shouldn't say his name. Howard said he was using stolen minnis. He said that his mother knew what he was doing.
Howard said he wants to say a few words about Alex Trebek. He said he has to get to some call too. He said he knows people want to talk about the election even though they told him not to talk about the election.
Robin said Alex didn't think he was going to be in show business. She said he took a job to pay for college. Howard said they had him on the show in 2015 and he talked about that. Howard played a clip from that interview.
Howard said all he wanted to be was a game show host. He said that he would have loved to have done that. He said it looked so glamorous. He said he has been offered all of these game shows and he turns them down and it's like an arrow through his heart. He said that they lined up all of these game shows for him and if you had told little Howard that he would be offered these things it seems like sacrilege to turn them down. Howard said he kept his dreams small.
Howard said Alex didn't want to be a game show host. He said he took a job in Canada to pay for college. Robin said the reason he got to be on the air is because he was the only bilingual announcer among the English speaking staff.
Howard said he did a show called Wizard of Oz and he was found by Alan Thicke. He read about Jeopardy and how that came about. He had a clip of Alex talking about that in his 2015 interview with Howard. He talked about the money he was getting paid and how he got into the producer role and got more pay for doing that.
Howard said his career took off and in the late 80s he was hosting 3 game shows at once. He said he was hosting Classic Concentration and To Tell the Truth too.
Howard said Robin was on Celebrity Jeopardy a few times. He had some audio of Robin talking about her role on the show with Alex.
Howard said all he knows is that she goes on Jeopardy and he gets smacked in the head. He said that he liked Alex a lot but he was the weakest when he had to do that exchange with people. He said he was fabulous at running the game. He said when he went to the players it was a little off.
Howard said that Alex always took himself seriously on the show. He said he was funny on the show though. He played a clip of Alex talking about eating some hash brownies at a party and he got there Friday night and he didn't leave their house until Monday morning. He said he had maybe 4 of the hash brownies.
Howard said Alex did lose his cool from time to time. He had a montage of Alex freaking out during some recording sessions. They had Alex cursing and messing up lines.
Howard said Alex won some Daytime Emmys. He said that he also broke records for the number of shows he did. Howard said last year he announced he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Howard said he would be crying and whimpering if he was dying. He said that he's not sure if he'd want to be there on the show with you people if he was going through that.
Howard played a clip of Alex talking about his cancer diagnosis. Howard said he was way too happy in that clip. He said he'd be more upset. He said by the time he was done he'd make people just as miserable as him.
After playing Alex's clip Howard said he admires that so much. He said he wouldn't be able to do that. He said that he would be upset about his world ending. He said he'd open up with ''Fuck you'' and put a curse on everyone. He said in closing he'd be holding a nuclear bomb and take everyone out with him. He said how dare you live and he has to die.
Robin said that Alex had to go through a lot of Chemo and surgery and he was back on the set doing more shows. Robin said they say they used to record 5 shows a day and in the last couple of weeks he did 3 in one day and 2 the next. She said he just wasn't able to get through 5. Howard said he was such a nice guy. He said he would have stopped wasting time doing that show if he were Alex. He said he'd be praying for an asteroid to destroy the country or wish that the cancer was contagious so he could spread it to everyone.
Howard said he'd tell people that if he saw anyone having sex with his wife he'd pass a penny like Patrick Swayze and push it right through your head. He said he'd be so angry. Howard said he hopes he comes back as a zombie so he can eat everyone.
Howard said Alex had 2 heart attacks in his life. He had some audio of him talking about that and his diet in their 2015 interview.
Howard said his wife lived on Gummy Bears for her early life. Robin said she used to eat a lot of chocolate. Howard said she had that and gummy bears in her refrigerator when he went to her house for the first time.
Howard said that this is an interview that Alex gave to a Canadian station last year. He played the clip of Alex talking about how he's not afraid of dying. He said the one thing they won't say is that he was taken too soon. He said he has lived a good life and he knows he's nearing the end of that.
Robin said he also had a great love story between himself and his current wife. Robin said he was asked why he didn't spend more time with her but he really loved doing that show and she told him to keep doing it because that would hake him happy. Robin said his last day of taping was October 29th. She said he died like a week later.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she worked as a poll worker and there is no fraud or staling the election. She said if you are concerned then you should volunteer and see how it works. She said she voted for Biden and she helped 99 percent of the people who voted for Trump. Howard said he doesn't care if they did cheat to get Biden in. He said we needed change. He said who gives a fuck and end this already.
Robin said one of the great things was seeing the work that the poll workers put in. She said they were both republican and democrats working together to make sure the votes were counted.
Howard got in a plug for Tommy John who sponsored the show today. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said this is a great song. Robin asked if he watched the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame show. Howard said he's in the middle of it. He said he was jealous that COVID-19 didn't hit the year that he had to go out to induct Bon Jovi. He said that things have gotten really good since COVID-19 hit. He said they have great stuff. He said what they did this time was have mini documentaries about the bands. He said they did great packages on Trent Reznor and other bands. He said that Trent had some really weird shit at his concerts back in the day. He said he and Ralph went to a bunch of Nine Inch Nails concerts and he looked crazy back then. He said then he comes out at the hall of fame induction and he looks normal. He said he does movie scores and stuff now. Howard played a clip of Trent speaking at the hall of fame.
Howard said he was jealous that they weren't able to do things they way they did back when he did it. Howard said Dave Grohl came out and he's like the last rock and roll guy. He said that he's like the go to guy. He said he loves Dave. He said he's great. He said he liked that song they did on Saturday Night Live this week. He said they did a great version of ''Times Like These'' on the show. He said that this isn't the Saturday Night Live version but they did a great version of it. He said Dave was just playing guitar and singing. He said Dave's a really good drummer, singer and guitar player. He said he was doing this little riff. He said it's hard to play. Robin asked if he's seen Eddie Van Halen's tribute on the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame yet. Howard said not yet.
Robin said they did a drum off between Ginger Baker and Neal Peart. Howard said Ginger would win that. Robin said that's what she thought. Howard asked what happened. Robin said they didn't have a vote but just listening to it she felt that Ginger was better. Howard said he knows that he's better without even seeing it.
Howard said Charlize Theron inducted a band this year. He said she's one of only 14 non musicians to induct a band. He said he's one of those 14. He said he did it for Bon Jovi. Howard said he had to go out to Cleveland to do that. He said he can't wait to watch the tribute to Eddie Van Halen. He said he saw a preview of it.
Robin said that they had words from Eddie about what he'd be doing if he was 80. Howard said he'd be trying to take a piss. Robin said he didn't see it that way.
Howard said he and Robin were talking over the weekend and he saw this musical tribute show on PBS. He said Sam Moore from Sam and Dave came on and was doing a tribute to Isaac Hayes. He said that Sam sounds better now than he did as a young man. He said that you have to hear this. He played some audio of the performance. He said he got the chills hearing this.
Robin said she wasn't able to find this. She said she did find something with Garth Brooks but not this. She said that in the 2019 thing she saw he was sitting on a stool. Howard said that might be in his top 10 of songs.
Howard said this is Dave Grohl singing on Saturday Night Live this week. He played the part where Dave was just singing with an organ that sounded like something in church. He said he won't play the whole thing. Howard said it was such a great performance.
Howard said that organ is kind of moving. Robin said she forgot it was an organ. Howard said at the right time they went into the rock stuff. He said he thinks he sang this in light of the election. Howard said he thinks he sang it because we have to come together after this.
Howard said he always sings with gum in his mouth and it drives him crazy but he thinks he does it for a reason. He said he has to be careful not to choke on that. He said he chews the gum while he sings. Howard let the song play where the Foo Fighters started to rock. Howard said Dave claims that it keeps his mouth moist while he sings.
Robin said it has to be a danger to have it in your mouth. Howard said it's his thing.
Howard had some audio of Bigfoot talking about how into Melania he is and what he'd do to her if he had a chance. He wants to bang her so hard. He said that he wouldn't marry her though. He said that he would fuck her so hard that she'd have to take Rolaids.
Howard said that Bigfoot thinks that Donald ruined Melania. He said that he wasn't interested in her when Donald had COVID-19. Howard played fake Melania calling Bigfoot and talking to him about getting Coronavirus. Bigfoot said until she's cured he won't have anything to do with her. Howard said the world is truly upside down. He said when Bigfoot turns you down over that it's backwards.
Howard said he has to play this call. He played more of Bigfoot talking to fake Melania about Coronavirus. She asked if she can cough in his face with Coronavirus droplets. Bigfoot was fine with that. Bigfoot was talking about what he'd do to her and he asked her to come see him. Howard said he forgot all about COVID.
Howard played a clip of Bigfoot talking to Melania about doing it ''ass backwards.'' He told her that he could get farther up her pussy that way. He said he'd have his ass to her ass and he'd stick his penis in her that way. Melania said that sounds impossible. Bigfoot said that shows how creative he is.
Howard said when he asked Beth if he could go ass to ass she went on strike. Howard said that must be the first cousin of the human centipede.
Howard played a clip of Bigfoot talking to Melania about what he'd like to see her wearing. He wanted her to have a see through white dress so he could see her pussy hair.
Howard said this is another clip where Bigfoot wants to have sex in the snow. He played that and Bigfoot said it gives him some ideas to rub snow on her pussy so she'll ride him like a stallion. Howard said he feels sorry for the snow.
Howard said Bigfoot talked to Melania for almost an hour. He said he had to jerk off after that. He played a clip of Bigfoot talking about how he had to go pull a load off. He said he's crazy in love with her. Melania told him to have fun jerking off. Bigfoot said he can't believe he had that conversation with her.
Robin asked how he thinks the first lady actually called him. Howard said he's not sure but he wants to build a snow man in her asshole. Howard said he will give a Bigfoot update tomorrow.
Howard asked Chris if he blocked her. Chris said that Mariann started going into this thing about him going up to Canada. Mariann said he did go up there and who did he protect himself. Chris said if he goes into that then he has to bring things out that would make her feel really bad. Mariann said that he went off on her about having a super spreader party and he went to Canada. Mariann and Chris went off on each other talking over one another the whole time. Chris said that he went up there to visit sick relatives. Howard thanked Mariann and Chris for that. He let Mariann go and moved on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Queens Gambit on Netflix he binged in one day. He asked what he thinks about Anya. Howard said this is what he thinks. He made a jerking off sound. Howard said that's a great show. He said the whole thing is terrific.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has listened to the show for over 30 years but his take on the election is wrong. He said if there is fraud... Howard said here is no fraud. He asked what Howard wanted Trump to do with this Coronavirus thing. Howard said he never would have hidden it and downplayed it. He said he would have been straight up from the start. He said he would have handled it the way Governor Cuomo did. He said he would have used the United States Army to help. The caller said that Europe is having problems too. Howard hung up on the guy and said cancel his subscription.
Howard said he would have listened to the doctors and had people wear masks. He said that we're all in this together and we have to wear masks. He said he would handle it instead of sitting back and doing nothing. Robin said this guy didn't see anything Trump did wrong. Howard said he wouldn't say that the virus would just go away. Howard said he'd do what Biden is doing now. He said he has a task force ready to go. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said Ozzy is great. He said Ozzy for President. He said imagine that. He said the wall would make a better president. Howard said Governor Cuomo wrote a book and it's really good. He said he's not sure who he had time to do that. He said the book is called ''American Crisis: Leadership Lessons from the COVID-19 Pandemic.''
Howard said Governor Cuomo looks very official today. He asked if he should call him Mr. Attorney General of the United States. He asked if he's about to become that with the Biden administration. Cuomo said there is zero truth to that. Howard said that would be a fabulous job. He said that he thinks that Cuomo could have run and won for President. He said that Cuomo said that being President is the ultimate but he just wanted to run New York state and this is a job he loves. He said he had no desire to run for president. Cuomo said that is accurate. He said that he has to give a little context though. He said sometimes the best way to help the team is to play center field. He said that you're better off there for the team. He said if it's about the team then play where you can help. He said he was in the middle of COVID when all of this came about. He said he was dealing with people in his state and people across the country. He said people see him as a politician and he had to defuse that. He said that he said that he's not interested in running and he has no agenda. He said that he had no agenda besides you. He said he wanted to do this job. He said he said this repeatedly and he wanted to do this job. He said that this gave him credibility in the COVID discussion. He said we have to get on to rebuilding this state and this nation and that's more than a full time job.
Howard said people can't believe that he's satisfied with the job he's doing and he had to prove it by not running. He said that shows you how little trust we have. He said people are so skeptical of politicians. He said that he believes people want this job and want to help other people. He said it's quite remarkable.
Cuomo said that we're skeptical of people in general. He said we've been hurt before in life. He said that people get burned. He said politicians are second only to used car dealers. He said that people want to hear applause and move up. He said that's why they're in politics. He said people are waiting for you do disappoint them.
Howard said that now that we have president Elect Biden. He said in other countries you get elected and they put you right in office. He said this 3 month wait is unusual. He said that the guy could do so much damage before Biden is in there. Howard asked what they're afraid he could do. Cuomo said he's one of those who is afraid. He said that concept of the transition isn't bad. He said the theory is that you have 3 months to pass the baton. He said you have to be brought up to speed on what's going on. He said there's a ramp up period but that won't happen with Trump because he's not capable of it himself. He said the damage he could do over 3 months is huge. He said that they could have a vaccine but Trump is going to put together a vaccination plan. He said he would be responsible for rolling out the vaccinations. He said that is the most challenging government operation we have seen since World War II. He said the nation scrambled for the past 8 months to do COVID tests. He said that they will have to do 330 million vaccines. He asked how long that's going to take to do. He said that the trump plan isn't there. He said that you have to figure out how to do it. He said they have learned nothing. He said they have no clue because they're incompetent and they never said they understood government. He said their plan is going to repeat the same mistakes. He said they want to go to the private market to distribute the vaccine. He said those places don't exist in the communities that are hardest hit. He said they're not in the black, brown and poor communities.
Howard asked if he's shocked by how incompetent and how many votes they got. He asked if he has nay concept of what it is they see about him. He said we're in a mess because of this incompetence. He asked if he has figured this out. Cuomo said that COVID he has no idea what they're hearing from him that makes any sense. He said all of the evidence points the opposite way. He said that we're off the charts with the whole COVID-19 thing. He said he's not sure what they see. He said he thinks grey go past COVID. He said what frightens him is that this country was started to bring all nations together in one place. He said that Trump doesn't like people who are different. He said that the was a master of playing the differences. He said Trump is a marketing man and he markets to the negative. He said he doesn't like people who are a different color and think differently than he does. He said he took all of these differences and played on them. He said now we have a fractured nation. He said we should have been finding the commonality in the nation. He said Trump did the opposite. He said division is effective. He said playing to fear is easier than playing to love.
Howard said he's right. He said that he's so against foreigners. He said that he says that he's protecting us from the enemy. He said that Biden was such a breath of fresh air. He said that he's going to include everyone even the people who didn't vote for him. He said he found it refreshing to hear.
Howard said he thought Governor Cuomo was very good on the show the first time. He said that he was dealing with Trump and he thought he was going to let him have it. He said he had to hold back though. He said he tried calling the Biden campaign and told them to just have Biden just stand there asking where his tax returns were over and over. He said he thinks that he could have hit below the belt a little bit. He said bring out a map and ask where Spain is on the map .HE said it would show how he's not interested.
Howard asked if he thinks he had to hold back. Cuomo said he had to. He said that he has bitten his tongue so much that he has tongue scars. He said that he wants to speak to the better angels and lift people up. He said that he has to show what Trump is by opposition. He said that once you say you want to hit below the belt then you're down in the mud with him. He said you can damn your own cause. He said he also had the practical situation that he had to get him to help New York. He said if he wasn't governor he would have decked him. He said he was attacking him and his family. He said that he could have had a field day with him.
Howard said he thinks he's talking about calling his brother Fredo. He said that was out of line. He said he was the idiot brother in the Godfather. He said that's a real insult. He said that's bullshit. Cuomo said he's very sensitive to all ethnic slangs. He said that Howard is right about the slam. He said that you develop real sensitivity when someone does that. He said that they tell you to just laugh it off. He said it's not funny. He said that the Mafia stereotype is such a stain for Italians. He said it's been that way for a long time. He said when grey want to get cheap and nasty that's where they go. He said Fredo isn't the guy you want to be. He said he was the worst. He said then you end up getting shot an dumped out of the boat by your own family. He said Trump was attacking his brother to attack him. He said he had the guilt of that because the guy wanted to hurt him by doing that.
Howard asked how many conversations did he have to have with Trump on the phone. Cuomo said during the COVID thing maybe 50, 100... He said it was constant. Howard asked if he ever asked him on a personal level what's going on with the attacks. He asked if they got real. Cuomo said that things did get real. He said he is a very real person. He said he doesn't have the capacity to bite his tongue for 8 months. He said he said to him that if he wants to attack him then do that but leave his family out of it. He said his brother was just doing his job asking tough questions as a reporter. He said Trump is such a fragile personality he can't take any criticism. He said that he's so emotionally fragile. He said that he is so needy for affirmation. He said even if it's factual he goes crazy. He said that you can't talk to him. He said his advisors said to him that they can't talk to him about things. He said they told him he won't hear it. He said he won't hear any negative.
Howard asked what he thinks is going on in the White House. He said there are rumors that they're trying to get him to concede but then there are stories about people saying that the election was rigged. Howard asked if he has any idea of what's going on in there. Cuomo said that the republicans of the world believe that this was not a negative for the republicans. He said with Trump it's all about Trump. He said just look at how stupid this is. He said he's gone golfing for 2 days after saying he wants to be president another 4 years. He said look at Rudy Giuliani. He said he has respect for what he did on 9/11 but look at what he's doing now. He said that he's saying the observers with the votes weren't close enough.
Howard asked what he thinks is going on with Rudy. He asked why he's doing this. Cuomo said he thinks that he's so deep into it and this is so visceral. He said it's like the Hatfields and McCoy's. He said that he's blinded by emotion. He said he was attacked by everyone and he's been humiliated. He said that he just knows to keep fighting and scratching until there's no alternative.
Howard said there's a story in his book about this guy Mark Meadows who was Trump's chief of staff. He said they were doing a study on this drug Hydroxychloroquine. He said that they asked Cuomo for the results of the study that was done and he didn't have that. He said they were so upset that they didn't give it to them that they were holding back help for New York. Cuomo said there's so much going on in the news that they can't pick up on everything. He said that is exactly what Meadows did. Robin said they were asking for something positive so they could have those results. Cuomo said that this whole Hydroxychloroquine was out of hand. He said it was ridiculous. He said they were all taking it over at FOX News. He said they didn't know what they were talking about. He said that it may have been a way of running up the stock fast or it was just totally dumb. He said Meadows knew exactly what he was saying and doing. He said they wanted the results faster and they wanted positive results. He said there is no science over there so they wanted them to change the numbers. He said then Meadows said they were going to hold back funding for New York. He said he said to him that doesn't work with him and that's not going to work. He said he was talking to the wrong guy if he thinks he's going to muscle him. He said they did that to him all the time.
Howard said they were going to punish him and it sounds like a shakedown. Cuomo said that it was like it was their money and it was all about them. He said they had the power to allocate the money or not. He said they really don't have that power. He said Congress does. He said that was their power and leverage to leverage you with that power. He said that's what they always did.
Howard asked if getting a call from the chief of staff is unusual. He said it seems like Trump would call. Cuomo said he was speaking almost every day to Trump. He said Meadows he did not know. He said he didn't like this guy though. He said it was a vibe he got from him. He said they had odd meetings in the Oval Office. He said that there were other acts of extortion going on in there too.
Howard asked how you process all of this once you go home. He asked if he screams. Cuomo said he screams into his pillow. He said that it's very frustrating. He said people are dying and hospitals are overwhelmed. He said they needed masks and gowns and nasal swabs and the administration is playing this PR thing and worrying about how the president is going to look. He said they were on their own there. He said that it's like a scene in the movie where you say the cavalry isn't coming or the helicopter isn't coming.
Howard said he changed his mind on Jared Kushner. He said he was the most productive person there. Howard said Cuomo worked for his dad and he had to catch a lot of the same kind of stuff. He said that Jared was actually kind of productive. Cuomo said he's not hyper partisan. He said there is a grey area in life and you can't be all one sided. He said he had a republican senate for the longest time. He said he had to get things done and he thinks they did. He said he knows that people hate Jared now and it was all about nepotism. He said it was easier to hate Jared than the president. He said he was the easy target with this dad too. He said that Jared did try for New York. He said that he knew people there. He said that Trump moved his residence to Florida so he could be helped with the voters down there. He said that was supposed to be the swing state. He said that he was telling people to vote for him. He said Jared wanted to go to New York so he had a vested interested in them.
Howard asked Cuomo how he felt growing up as his dad's son. He said that must have been a drag being the son of a celebrity. He said it has to be tough. Cuomo said it is tough. He said the wrinkle with him is that his father wasn't governor until he was 23. He said he lived middle class in Queens and he had odd jobs and went to college. He said that was a working class neighborhood. He said he was his campaign manager and his life flips. He said they were talking to him like he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He said that's not what it was like. Howard said he had to get himself through college himself. He said he didn't grow up with money. Cuomo said that has been the disconnect with him. He said that he grew up working and trying to make money for school. He said he deals with that stuff with his kids now. He said that people say that they like him but he's not sure if they can figure out the guy from the governor. He said he's not sure if he likes Howard as a person or the persona of Howard Stern. He said he's not sure if people can figure it out.
Howard said he writes about his father not being around much when he was growing up because he worked so hard. Cuomo said that his dad worked 7 days a week so he was hardly around. He said he'd be home at 7 on Sunday night to have dinner with the family. He said then he'd never show up at 7. He said he went into politics to help his dad and he thought that he went into it to get close to him. He said all he did was what he did. He said if you wanted to get to know him you went into his world. He said he started to get to know him in the campaign. He said then they worked together the rest of their lives. He said they ended up like closer than two brothers. He said he was with his dad as his counselor. He said then his dad was his advisor for years. Howard said that's kind of sad in a way. He said he had to jump through hoops to get his dad's attention. He said that's a lot of work for a young man to get the love of his father. He said he sees the sadness in that. He asked if he does. Cuomo said yes. He said there was a hurt and resentment earlier. He said he wondered why he didn't want to do things with him. He said they never took a vacation. He said he never went to the movies. He said as it turns out he did not have that dimension. He said he didn't have that emotional intimacy. He said you think the kids can figure it out for themselves. He said he's sure that it hurt. He said he got him later on in life. He said with his own kids he did a 180. He said he's all about sitting down and talking or watching a movie. He said his kids think he's from Pluto though. He said he wants an emotional connection and they want him to get a job.
Howard said he can relate to him and he doesn't get why his father had children. He said he doesn't see any joy there. He said there is no real connection there. He said his father was a radio engineer and he went into radio because he knew that he admired people who were behind the microphone. He said that's how he got his attention. He said that's why he was Fartman on MTV. He said that was for attention.
Howard said he's not sure how he did it but he does think he is very loving and he has been able to turn that around. Cuomo said that his mother was a very strong influence. He said that she was all heart. He said his father was all head. He said his mother is very caring and sweet and emotional. He said he had that piece from her. He said that he thought about it and worked on it. He said his father didn't understand that children should be a source of joy. He said he purposefully wants that joy and relationship with his kids. He said he extends that to his job. He said he was the man in the house to take care of his mom and sisters. He said his job as governor is to take care of the state and love everyone there. He said he's there to love and support everyone in that state. He said the way he felt toward his family is how he feels toward the state. He said this is who he is and he's not putting on a face. He said he's not speaking to Howard any differently than he does in person.
Howard said he read in his book that he puts on his father's actual shoes. He said that's a beautiful thing. He said he's hungry to get to know his father and that was very touching that he talked about that in the book. Cuomo said that you will live with that hunger forever. He said that does not go away. He said that they're talking about emotions and he wanted that feeling of love. He said he thinks he had respect for him. He said that his ultimate affirmation was that he was a better governor than he was. He said that was everything to him. He said he didn't have that emotional, loving chip. He said that he did more with his sisters though. He said that putting on the shoes is almost his conscious affirmation of the void. He said that he's saying that he feels that void and he feels it even more now. He said when he wants to feel that void he puts on the shoes. He said he knows exactly what that is. He said he misses his dad and he wants him with him in this moment. He said he puts on those shoes to fill that void. He said it's a total honesty for this situation for him.
Howard said his sister has a different relationship with his father. He said maybe it's a man thing. He said maybe they think it's effeminate to love another man and that gets tangled up in there. Cuomo said it could have been the custom. He said men did not kiss other men when he was growing up. Cuomo said he kisses men all the time. Howard said he made out with him when they met. Cuomo said that he didn't shave so he had a rash after. He said that was very abnormal and men had to show a toughness.
Howard asked if Cuomo has talked to Biden yet. Cuomo said he did text. He said he has missed him on the phone twice. He said that they go back years. He said he was surprised it was as close as it was but he thought he was going to win. He said he didn't think the country would sign on for another 4 years of this. He said he thinks the country was sick of it. Howard asked if he thinks that we were heading into a dictatorship. Cuomo said if this was done in one day it would have been a blow out. He said if he had a chance to bring this to the supreme court he would have done it and that's scary.
Howard said his book is out now and it's available everywhere. He said he writes about how he had to leave the church one day when the guy giving the sermon was lecturing Andrew. He said he was giving him a lesson in church. He said that had to be mind blowing. Cuomo said it's an ongoing sadness for him. He said that his dad was pro choice and the church threatened to excommunicate him. He said he had to live though that and now he has to live through this. He said that he has passed laws that have brought lawsuits against priests and that was a financial hardship for the church. He said that he hopes that he's been in line with the church enough to get through the pearly gates.
Howard said he had to cancel the St. Patty's day parade. He said people would hate him for that but he hates parades himself. He said he's glad he had to cancel. He said that he should ban them all. Howard said it's not fun but they had to do it. He said that they didn't know how this COVID-19 thing was spreading. He said he caught hell for that. Cuomo said he was HUD secretary at a very young age. He said that he lost an election and he was dead. He said his father lost his election too. He said he was dead. He said they were playing the game tape over and over again trying to figure out what to do. He said then magically he got a second chance and won Attorney General. He said then he ran for Governor. He said when you come back a second time you come back with a second headset. He said he doesn't care what they say today. He said he cares about what they'll say in 10 years. He said that he's going to do the right thing even if it's the hard thing. He said these guys who catered to the politics of the moment are going to pay down the road. He said all that matters is what you did for people. He said it matters what you wrote in the sand that leaves a mark that matters. He said that's what counts and that's what he thinks about every day.
Howard said he was reading the book and he describes his mother asking when this COVID thing is going to be over. He said his mother does the same thing with him. He said we're working toward and end game with this but they have to be patient.
Howard asked if his mother is still asking. Cuomo said that she is. He said she doesn't believe what he says. He said when you change someone's diapers you never take them seriously the rest of their life.
Howard said he thinks he feels upbeat compared to the last time they spoke. Cuomo said yes. He said Trump was anti-New York so he didn't have his cooperation. He said that he was upset with all of the media in New York and all of that. He said that he would take a shot at them whenever he had a chance. He said he passed tax laws that only taxed New York and other states like it.
Cuomo said there's a train he wanted to build from Laguardia to Manhattan. He said he was doing an environmental review of that and all he does is criticize environmental reviews. Howard asked if he believes he didn't read the CIA and FBI briefings every day. He said that he's excited that they might be read now. He said that blows his mind if it's true. Cuomo said he doesn't believe that he read anything. He said he didn't have time because he was watching TV all the time. He said he'd use TV to communicate with him. He said he'd be watching TV all hours of the day. He said he'd get a call if he said something about him on the air.
Howard said his strategy was to go on TV and get his attention by getting on there. He said that was a weird way to have to do things. He said that's how he got respect. Cuomo said what matters to trump is what is consumed by the public. He said he talks about ratings like they're the way you rate people. He said it's all image and patina. He said that's all it ever was. He said that he has a plane at Laguardia that never flies but it has the Trump name on it. He said that it shows his name as a big sign. He said that's him.
Howard asked how you have a president who gets blocked on Twitter for posting false information. Robin said they had to take down a video because it was all lies. Howard said he must have had a laugh at that. He said he'd love to watch Cuomo watching that at home. He asked where he was when that happened. Cuomo said he was up in Albany at the time. He said this is like a 4 year reality show that ran its course.
Howard said the other thing he read in the book was about how bad the plane is that he uses to fly around in. He said it's a 40 year old plane. He said it sounds like it could be the way he checks off the planet. Howard asked if he's afraid to get a new one because of the optics of it. Cuomo said this is his shortcoming. He said the plane was purchased as a surplus properties thing. He said the plane is a joke. He said he tells everyone who gets on it how bad it is. He said no one wants to put in the budget to buy a new plane. He said that's not it for him. He said he finds it an indulgence. He said that if God wants him to die in the plane, he's going to die in the plane.
Howard said last time he was on everyone was looking at him like he was a stud. Robin said Chelsea Handler was looking for him. Howard said she's coming on the show on Wednesday actually. Howard asked if he's having an affair with him. Cuomo said that he needs a date who is not quarantined. He said he can't have her stay for 14 days in quarantine. Howard said he has to find him someone close by then. Cuomo said that Howard knows people. He said he can make recommendations. He said she can't go on his show afterward. Howard said he loves Chelsea as a guest. He said you know she's going to talk about how he is in bed or something. He said he needs a nice girl who will keep her mouth shut. Cuomo said yes. He said he needs someone who would never go on his show. Howard said he will find that person for him.
Howard gave Cuomo a plug for his book and thanked him for the time. Cuomo said he's a big fan of Howard's and the service he provides. He said that he is a bigger fan of Robin's though. Robin thanked him for that.
Howard said next time he's on he has to tell them why the Jets and Giants suck so bad. He said he should prepare a statement. Cuomo said watch the Bills instead. Howard thanked him for coming on and let him go.
Howard said that the governor said he's a fan of Robin's. Howard said she should go out with him. Robin said she has a big mouth and she would talk about him though. She said she can't. She said he seems like a very down to earth guy. Howard said he does.
Robin said that was some interesting stuff. Howard said it was. He said he has a ton of stuff to get to. He said they can do it tomorrow. Robin said she was thinking about Trump and his dad and what that relationship must have been like. Howard said there's a lot of speculation about that. He said that's all interesting to him.
Howard asked if he's going to reveal his sexuality now. Ralph said that was a moment in time and he's not going to do that. Howard said he'd go over time if he wanted to do that. Ralph said he's not doing it.
Howard said that Ralph took a hit in the fan feedback. He said he's too tired to read through it. Ralph said that Cuomo was great to listen to.
Howard said that Bobo tweeted about what a patriot Ralph isn't. He said that he should have been voting before this. Howard read through some of the other feedback about Ralph and how he just voted for the first time this election. Ralph said he only comes out for the important ones. Howard asked if he will be a regular voter now. Ralph said he will. He said he gets it now. He said he sees how important all of these votes are.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph has been playing the all this time. He said he was never going to tell them anything. He said that he blocks people for calling him Berry Face. Ralph said he loves blocking people. He said that there's no reason to sit through that. He said he gives great information on Twitter. The caller said he blocked him for calling him Berry Face. Ralph asked why he would follow him if he hates him. The caller said he listened to Geektime all the time. Ralph said he doesn't care. Howard said he has to say if someone called him Berry Face he'd block them too. The caller asked why he calls the show then if they called him names. Ralph said it was funny when they did it. Ralph said he has no right to call him anything.
Robin asked how they were getting played. The caller said Ralph never would have told them anything about his sex life no matter what.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he's going to be the bigger man and accept this election. He said we're all Americans here and we have to come together. He said that Joe Biden even said that it's not blue or red states. Bobo went off on Ralph too. Ralph said he was just responding to his dumb tweets. Ralph said that they should start a #BlockBobo campaign. He said that it's not just unfollow but block. Bobo said that there's freedom of speech Ralph. Ralph said he's an idiot. Howard let them go at it for a short time. Howard cut them off and hung up on them.
Howard said that Jeff the Drunk was in the hospital last week. He picked up his call. Jeff said that he had Cellulitis in his legs. He said they were very red. Robin asked how he got it. Jeff said he got it from being overweight. He said he's like 270 pounds. Howard said he knows about this from watching My 600 Pound Life. He said they all have this Cellulitis. Jeff said he's going to try to lose some weight and he has a nurse coming to take care of him.
Howard read about what this Cellulitis thing is and how it's a bacterial infection. Howard asked Jeff if he will still be able to do Cameo. Jeff said he's done 3 or 4 in the hospital. Howard said maybe it's time for a lifestyle change. He said that was an unbelievable update.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he likes the band Tool. Howard said he does. He said he thinks they are a great rock band. He said they promised him a song for his movie soundtrack and they backed out of it at the last minute. He said he was kind of upset about that at the time. He said he agrees that they're a fantastic band. He said he listens to them all the time. The caller thanked him for that because he respects his opinion on music. The guys played some of their song ''Stinkfist'' and talked about the band a little bit. They talked about a wine that the lead singer of the band is involved with making. JD has some of it so the spent a short time talking to him about that.
Howard said they have to get to a Bigfoot update tomorrow. He said he has a history of Karens for tomorrow too. He said Gary will be presenting that. Robin said maybe they can pull the drum battle between Ginger Baker and Neil Peart. Howard said he already knows the winner of that and it's Ginger Baker. Howard said they might have to call Lars again on that. He ended the show around 10:35am.
Howard said that he's going crazy. He said they say it's manipulating us with the news. He said that Trump is doing his thing about the election and people around him are enabling him. He said that there are people who are backing his push against the election results. He said even the governor of South Dakota who is really hot is backing him. He said that they have a lot of super spreader things going on in that state. He said she's a piece of work. He said she's all in on the election being a fraud. He said Mitch McConnell is another one.
Howard said that his point is that all madness is in this country. He said it's like people have been bit by a rabid dog. He said now the election is a fraud? He asked if they want an empower or a king? Robin said there are some people who can't handle freedom and that might be where we're heading.
Howard said Biden has started a task force to get this Coronavirus under control. He said that is what he's most after. He said we have to solve that problem first. He said we're throwing our hands up in the air right now. He said he was informed of 2 people in his life who have died of COVID. He said that they're dead and gone now. He said that their President got a special cocktail to keep him alive. He said that Biden should become President right now. He said we have to stop the madness.
Howard said he was feeling good yesterday about Biden and his task force. He said then there's news about the vaccine that was very successful. He said that looked promising. He said that they say if Trump had gotten a hold of that then the distribution of it would have been a problem. He said that everything around Trump is a problem. He said every business he touches is a problem. Robin said he's not that bright and doesn't know how to run anything.
Howard said he wants Trump back on the show and rating women and things like that. He said he was struck yesterday by a picture in the paper of these people who were developing this vaccine. He said he's going to make it a point to know their names. He said he doesn't want to know the name Kim Kardashian. He said that he wants to know these two. He said her name is Ozlem Tureci and his name is Ugur Sahin. He said they're from Turkey. He said that's one of those ''shithole'' countries as Trump called it.
Howard said that Trump has to get off his high horse because this couple could save us. He said he wants to know their names. He said that he feels like he's speaking in tongues when he says their names. He said those people who speak in tongues do nothing for us but these two are doing amazing things.
Howard said these two Turkish immigrants are doing amazing things. He said thank god for immigration. He said look at what we have here. He said he can't even say their names but look at what they're doing.
Howard said as far as he's concerned Biden is already president. He said he's done more than Trump with this virus already. He said Trump has these enablers that are a real problem.
Howard said that Mike Pence is meeting with the Corona Task Force for the first time in weeks. He said in his mind they're doing this after weeks of nothing because he thinks that Pence is embarrassed. He said they have a new administration coming in and he wants to look like he did something. Robin said they're cleaning up before the maid comes. Howard said that's it. He said that his mother used to do that. He said she would clean so much that it was spotless by the time the maid came. He said then she'd take her out shopping and for lunch. He said his mother just needed a friend.
Howard said he pictures Trump in a room somewhere crumpling up paper and throwing it around the room to make it look like they've been doing something about Coronavirus for the past year. Robin wondered if Pence still has that fly in his hair. Howard said he read that Pence is on vacation this week. He said he's tired from doing nothing.
Howard said that these two, Ozlem Tureci and Ugur Sahin live in Germany and they're working with Pfizer on this vaccine.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to stay out of Presidential politics. He said he sounds stupid. Howard asked how so. The caller said he said that he should make Biden president now. He said there's a process they have to follow. Howard said he knows that. He asked if this guy is out of his mind. He said that the election happened and Biden is President. He said he has to get over it. The caller said he is over it. Howard said he's not suggesting that he should be President right away. He said that they have to help with the transition. He told the caller to get the fuck out of here.
Howard said that Trump isn't even accepting the results. Robin said that they're saying that he can't do the legal thing but no one is stopping him. Robin said they keep saying that he has a right. Robin said go use that right. She said no one is stopping that. Howard said pack your bags too. Howard said whatever, it's depressing.
Howard said that people wrote in about the election discussions. He said some people don't agree with him so he says just don't listen then. He said that if you don't agree with him just tune out. Robin said people can't listen to each other. She said that's a problem. Howard said they'll send out a tweet when Sal puts a dick in his own ass if you want. He had some negative comments about Benjy and Ronnie.
Howard read more comments about the election and people were saying they're looking forward to things returning to normal on January 21st.
Howard said that Andy Cohen left a voicemail about their election coverage. He played that message where Andy thanked him for his coverage. He said he stepped outside of his box and talked about politics and he did it because it was the right thing to do as an American. He thanked Howard for that and said it sealed the deal for him. Robin said the top gay has designated Howard ''Top American.'' Howard said he sees a blow job from Andy in his future. Robin asked if he would accept. Howard said he's a married man. He said he's also very heterosexual. Robin asked if he could go through with that act. Howard said no. He said he has no problem with people being gay but that's not his thing. He said he doesn't want a blow job from anyone but his wife.
Howard said Nicole Kidman is so good too. He said she's got a great body. He said she's no spring chicken either. He said next time Jimmy Fallon is on the show he has to ask how he didn't bang her. Robin asked how he would have done that. Howard said Jimmy did a movie and she said she wanted to come over to his apartment to talk about a movie. He said that he had a cheese plate out and he was playing a video game. He said Nicole comes in and she's trying to convince him to be in a movie. He said she had a crush on Jimmy. He said that she was coming on to him and he wasn't picking up on it. He said he would have picked up on that. He said he would have picked up on something. He said Jimmy kept playing games and she left. He said just imagine. He said if he had that opportunity she would have been hanging upside down from his sex chair. He said he doesn't actually have one but that would be something.
Howard said she went on the Tonight Show to talk about that. He said she has never been turned down by anyone so she went on the show to talk about it. Howard said that Keith Urban doesn't look like he can bang her very well. He said he says that about every guy.
Howard said he would have wooed her and then disappointed her before Jimmy could finish that video game. He said he'd still be playing in the other room and he would have gone through that whole process.
Howard said Hugh Grant dated Elizabeth Hurley. He said the site DailyMail has some great headlines. He said they had one about Hurley and how she's 55 years old and defies age. He said they have her in a bikini showing off her abs and legs. Howard said it's written for perverts like him. Robin said they have stories about Rebel Wilson losing weight too. Howard said he checks in to see if she's hot yet. He said she has lost ''40 stone'' and he wants to see if she's hot yet. He said you see Elizabeth Hurley at 55 in a bikini and you wonder what's going on there.
Howard read the article they had on DailyMail about Hurley. He said that he thinks that her life's mission is making Hugh Grant feel bad for cheating on her. He said she looks great. Robin said she has a very cute son too. She said often times she's doing the bikini shots next to her son. She said it's so wrong. Howard said everything about it is weird. He said that's why Hugh got out of there.
Howard said he knows that there are trolls in this world who write negative things about people no matter what. He said Emily Ratajkowski is stunning but people write negative things about her. He said she's hot and there's no denying it. He said Elizabeth Hurley gets fairly nice comments. He read some of those and people were talking about her like she was amazing. Howard said you see a super hot girl and there's always negative comments. He said they'll call a beautiful girl a gargoyle.
Howard said he loves DailyMail. He said it's very hard to navigate though. He said he has a hard time with it. He said the people who read it are the best. He said you see a hot picture of someone like that and they have a comment about their ''wonky eye'' or their ''baloney tits'' in there. Robin said you have to feel for those people.
Howard said there are people who are on DailyMail all the time. He said they comment like that all the time. He said he likes reading it though. He said that they'll comment on Emily Ratajkowski and her big eye brows or her belly button or something. He said if they were with her they'd be worshiping her.
Robin said she has to talk about that Julianne Hough and that other woman who was married to the 88 year old on Real Housewives. Robin said they're getting divorced. Howard said he understands that the 88 year old is in financial trouble. He said all of the women on that show are equally despicable. He said they are some horrible human beings. He said they all have vile personalities. He said it's hard to believe. He said they will do anything to stay on that show. He said they barely get paid by Bravo but they will stay on the show. He said this Erika Jayne runs around like a rock star but she can't sing. He said she was a waitress who met this wealthy old man and he had her flying around in jets and had a glam team for her. He said this woman spent money like crazy. He said now they're getting divorced. He said he understands that. He said each one of those women are vomitus. He said that's why he watches though. He said he loves watching that kind of thing. He said if they weren't vomitus he wouldn't watch. He said he hates them but he watches them. Howard said he can't explain it. Robin said she doesn't get it. She said she has never watched that show. He said she will go around the dial and see things on TV but she doesn't watch it regularly.
Robin said Julianne Hough doesn't seem to be able to keep things straight. She said she was Christian and then she was bisexual and then they're divorcing. Howard said she's an oddball and a kook but he'd fuck her. He said she's hot. Robin said maybe it's COVID that's breaking people up. Howard said it's helped his relationship. He said he may never leave his house. He said that he might stay in even when things are under control. He said that it's brought out the worst in him. He said he walks around using toilet paper to open the doors. He said he's afraid that COVID is going to get in the house. He said he wants out of this. He said he doesn't want to die gasping for air. He said he's sure it will find him eventually.
Howard said he finally finished the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame . He said that was held virtually. He said that he had to fly to Cleveland when he did the induction for Bon Jovi. He said that he hated going but he had to do it for Jon Bon Jovi. He said it was a big burden on him. He said he doesn't like leaving New York or leaving his house. Robin said now he doesn't want to travel outside of New York. Howard said he just wants to be in his house.
Howard said Beth made him go for a walk because it was 70 out. He said it felt weird being outside. He said he was watching the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame and it was good. He said they had some good packages about the different bands. He said they did the Doobie Brothers. Robin said Depeche Mode too. Howard said that was a good show. He said they did Nine Inch Nails too. He said that was great. He said the thing came to a screeching halt when they got to Depeche Mode. He said they looked like the Village People to him. He said the lead singer has to put a shirt on when he performs. He said Freddy Mercury looked okay doing that but not this guy. Howard said he didn't even know their music that well. He said he knew ''Personal Jesus.'' Howard said he's not sure how they got in before Ozzy and so many others. He said he's not sure how he missed them. He said he doesn't remember them being that big. He said Gary remembered them doing 2 nights at the Meadowlands. Gary said that was in the early 90s he thinks. He said they had like 70,000 people come to see them. He said he was shocked by that.
Howard said that he worked at an alternative station in the 90s and he doesn't remember hearing their music at all.
Howard said that no offense to that but he loves T. Rex but they're in the hall of fame? They played some of their music and Howard talked it up like a DJ at WNBC. He said he hit the post like a professional announcer.
Howard said he think Robin is a Jeepster for Governor Cuomo's love. He said no offense to the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame but if you're going to have one you have to let more people in before this guy gets in. He said he died in a car crash but come on.
Robin said that Ringo looks great for his age. Howard said he still looks like a teenager. He said he's 80 and dying his hair but it looks cool. He said maybe he should dye his hair when he gets grey. Robin asked where that came from. Howard said usually guys that age look ridiculous with their hair dyed. He said that he wants to just go grey. He said Ringo might be on to something.
Howard said that he has a theory about why he looks the best. He said he had no stress when he played the drums. He said Paul was up all night trying to write those songs. He said that he stopped believing in the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame when he found out that Jon Hein and Gary are voters.
Howard said that they stretched out that book so much. He said he likes Gary personally but when it comes to this book it's a fucking nightmare. He said it's so annoying.
Howard said that Gary got paid for his book. He said that's good. He said he has no proem with that. Gary said that he got enough to put his kids through college. He said he has had a lot of offers to write a book about the show but he wouldn't do that. Howard said he made lists instead. He asked what his favorite list is in the book. Gary said he thinks his favorite is his top 10 concerts. Howard said wow. He read some of the titles of his lists in the book. He had a reverse bucket list, list. Gary said he didn't remember that one. Howard said he has his greatest AM radio hits from the 70s and things like that. Howard said what drove him crazy is that it's what Gary likes. He asked who cares what he likes.
Howard asked Gary about a green room book and what that would be about. Gary said that he told them there wasn't anything going on in there.
Howard played a clip of Gary talking about his favorite juke box songs. Howard said this is a ridiculous thing. He said that they're songs that sound good on a juke box? Gary said that someone brought that up this morning. He said that a juke box sounds different. He said that he's living in the past and that's where that comes from. Howard asked where he's finding them. Gary said when you grow up you see them. Howard said he never saw one. Gary said they had to have one at the bar at Boston University. Howard said he never went to a bar so he never saw any of these things. He said that he would go out and drink and they never had one.
Howard played the clip again and let it play through. Gary went through the list of songs that he thought sounded good on a juke box. He talked about ''Don't Stop Believing'' coming on and how he doesn't like the song unless it's on a juke box. Howard and Fred goofed on Gary about all of that.
Howard asked why the song would sound better on a juke box. Gary said it just sounds different. He said some of the songs are communal. He said that when you're in a bar people will sing along with it and it sounds different. Robin said it sounds better on a shitty speaker.
Howard got back to the clip and said that not one person has a list of songs like this. Howard asked Gary if anyone has sent him a letter about making a list like this. Gary said he has gotten tons of letters from people who were inspired by his book. He said he got a decent amount of mail and they had stories for him about crazy family members like that too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has those audio book clips of Gary talking about getting fucked by Jon Hein. Howard said he will look for that.
Howard said Gary loves his lists so much. He said Gary talked about people making fun of his teeth all his life. He said that in honor of that they had Gary Audio Book call a dentist office. He said this is the first call they made with drops from the book. He played the call where they had Gary talking about how his teeth looked. The dentist office hung up on him. Gary asked if those were lines from his book. He sounded shocked.
Howard said he has an example of playing a clip for Robin where Gary was talking about the Beatles and Robin laughed uncontrollably. Gary said this is what he imagines hearing when you pull down your pants in front of Robin and she sees your penis. Howard played the clip and Robin was laughing about something Gary said about the Beatles being a pop band that went to the band we know and love today.
Howard said in 1989 Gary purchased a cartoon cell of Baba Louie and he mispronounced it ''Baba Booey'' and they took the drops from that chapter in the book and called an art dealer. Howard played the call that they made where they took audio of Gary talking about the Baba Booey thing.
Howard said on the phone is Gary audio book with his reverse bucket list. He took the call and the guys played clips of Gary talking about the reverse bucket list. Howard asked what a reverse bucket list is. Gary said it's a list of things he never thought he'd get to do but he got to do because he's on this show. Howard said he sees now.
The guys played more of Gary's list of things he got to do. He went to Alaska to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform. Howard said that sounds like a nightmare. Gary said that's what Anthony Keidis thought too.
Howard had the guys play more of the list. Gary had more weird things that he was going over. Howard said he doesn't understand this whole thing. The guys kept playing more and more of the audio book. Howard said he has to hang up on him.
Howard asked Gary what he sees himself as. Gary said he's an aficionado. Howard said he doesn't get this reverse bucket list thing. He said he didn't sit around thinking about getting to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Alaska. He said you can't have a reverse bucket list. Gary said he should have called it something else. He said Howard is right.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked why Gary thinks that his life is interesting. Gary said King does a podcast to no one and he's asking him why he thinks this stuff is interesting. Howard said Gary is on a show where people listen to him. He said King doing a podcast to 11 people is the same. King said he's not on the show and he gets 10,000 live people listening to his show. Howard said he doesn't care. He hung up on King.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got Gary's book 10 years ago and he still hasn't read it. He said that it was an embarrassment to the show. Howard said Gary has nothing to do with music but he's very involved with these lists. Fred did his Gary Puppet thing and had more lists.
Howard said he has a woman on the line who says that she enjoyed the book so stop making fun of it. He picked up the guys were playing clips of Wendy the Slow Adult responding to his questions about the book. They had her saying ''yes'' to everything he asked.
Gary said the book still sells every year. He said it's mostly audio but he does still sell books. He said the book sells a decent amount. He said the hardcover isn't that many but the audio book sells a good amount.
Howard wanted to let Wendy go but the guys kept playing her answering ''yes'' to his questions. Howard eventually let her go.
Howard said finally Gary spent endless pages talking about his vinyl collection. He said they used those drops to call a record store. Howard played that call. They had Gary asking questions about songs and trying to figure out who sang the songs.
Howard said that Gary said that he was with a guy who brought 99 Luftballoons to America what is he talking about. Gary said he worked for a guy and he was like a mini program director. He said it was a lot of stuff you'd hear on the radio. Howard said Gary would open up a Billboard magazine and find the music that was popular. Gary said music like that wasn't in there. He said you'd hear stuff on the radio and you'd have to order a lot of copies of it.
Howard said Gary was like a sommelier for music. Gary said it was something like that. He said he was making sure it was available for the masses.
Howard said Gary audio book is back on the line with another list. He took the call and Gary was talking about some list and Howard said he can't take it and hung up.
Howard said that's the 10th anniversary of Gary's book. Gary said he wouldn't have brought it up. He said someone else must have.
Howard asked Gary if he ever received anything for that 99 Luftballoons thing. Gary said he didn't. Howard said the book has been around for 10 years and it still sells according to Gary.
Howard said they have a song to play before getting to some calls. He played the Baba Booey song parody.
Howard said he wrote a book and he never thought about writing lists about what sounds good while washing dishes. Gary said Howard had a list of his favorite guests on the show. Howard said he was inspired by Gary's book. Howard said congratulations on the 10th anniversary. Gary said thanks.
Howard took another call from Gary audio book who was running down another list of songs. Howard said that annoys him so much. He said the audio connection was bad and the list was annoying too. Howard said he'd love to see a documentary about Gary writing that book and coming up with the lists.
Howard said he's not sure what he's saying about Chris. Bobo said Chris Wilding blocked him on Instagram. Howard said he can block who he wants. He said if there are nudniks badgering him on there then block them. Bobo said that he doesn't badger him. Howard asked why he cares. Bobo said it seems like a pattern there. Howard asked who cares. He asked what the problem is. Bobo said that Chris was calling people out on election night. Howard asked who cares if he blocks you. He said that he doesn't give a shit about this. Bobo said he thought he'd just bring it to light.
Howard ripped a fart. He said it really stinks in there. He said he had some Indian food last night. He said that must be why it smells so bad. He said he eats that once a week to stay skinny.
Howard got Mariann on the phone to find out what was going on with Bobo and Chris. Mariann talked about Bobo and their issues and about Chris. She was talking about Gary's book and how it was more than just lists. She said it was about his mother too. Howard said that Mariann was in charge of giving out tickets to the fans for America's Got Talent. He said that the producers gave her the tickets to give out. Howard said he didn't realize the stress it was going to cause. He said she was the gate keeper for the Wack Pack. Howard said Bobo went off on her saying she was a Prima Donna. Mariann said she's getting mad at him again thinking about that. She said that Bobo got extra tickets for his family and she's getting upset about that.
Howard said that Mariann helped Bobo out and he went off on her. Mariann said that he never should have done that to her. Bobo said he's not going to go down that road. He said she's too valuable to him. Mariann said she drove Bobo to 13 shows and he still did that to her. She said no good deed goes unpunished.
Robin asked if Bobo was upset what she got the tickets instead of him. Bobo said she was great about the whole thing. Howard said at the time there was something going on. Mariann said he hit her with a lot of shrapnel. She said that Bobo knows how hard she worked. Bobo said he didn't bring this up today. He said they have had 25 years of a good friendship. Mariann said that Bobo was the one who ended it.
Bobo said they have mended the fences together. He said that he doesn't even want to think about that. Mariann said she wants to know why he did that to her. She said he knows how good she is to him. Bobo said he has said that. He said it was something going on over there on the air. He said sometimes you mess up and say something stupid. Howard said many a truth is said in jest. He said there was something going on.
Mariann said that she tried her best to give the tickets to fans who deserved it. Bobo said that it was a Freudian slip.
Howard had Bobo Puppet say some words. Fred did his thing and called Mariann a dictator but he won't go there again. Howard thanked Mariann and Bobo and went to break.
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Howard came back and said he has Gary Audio Book back on the phone. He had another list to go over. He took the call and the guys played Gary talking about a list of songs. It went on and on. Robin said they're story telling songs that are bad but some slipped in that were good. Howard said he's not sure how that happens if he wrote the book. He said maybe someone wrote it for him and he corrected it. Howard wondered if Gary has lists for his wife like that. Robin said she's sure that he's had a million lists for her.
Howard said that he has spent a lot of time with Mary and Gary and she has given up on trying to talk when she's around Gary. Gary said she's the only one left for him to talk to during this pandemic. He said he may have pushed her to the limit.
Howard said every time he feels like talking about his lists just call him and don't lay it on his wife. He sweats to save his marriage. Gary said he'll hear her go ''Ooo'' when she's reading something. He said he did that the other night and she asked what it was about and he mentioned it was a baseball manager and she said ''Don't care!''
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he hopes that Biden gets Dr. Agus on his team. He said that he's been texting him about this Coronavirus stuff and he gets back to him within a day. Howard said he's amazed by Dr. Agus. He said he gives out a number to text him and he'll answer your questions. He said that it's his actual phone. He said he's not giving out some kind or promotional line. He said that everyone he speaks to thanks him for giving it out. He said he's not sure how he's pulling that off.
Robin said once he didn't get back to her right away and she could have waited for it. She said it was still in less than 24 hours and he apologized profusely about it. He was on a flight to Israel so he wasn't able to respond. She said he doesn't have to apologize.
Howard said he met Dr. Agus around the time Robin got cancer. He said he had this inside line to him and he thought it was something special. He said now he finds out he'll give out his number to everyone.
Howard said Dr. Agus is the real deal. He said the guy is a saint. He said he supports the idea of him having anything to do with Biden. Robin said she's sure that he's weighing in wherever he can. She said that he always knows what's going on and who those people are on those task forces and committees.
Howard said Dr. Agus also talks to the Trump administration. He said he's not on one side or the other. He said the guy is a great guy. Robin said she even has to say that he's brilliant. She said she doesn't throw that word around.
Howard took a call from a guy who said thank god we're off of politics and talking about Gary's book. He said as a former guy who worked in Congress he's so happy that he's going to go out and find that book. Howard said he has someone on the line for him. He took a call from Gary audio book who was rambling about one of those lists. The caller stuck around for that. Howard said that this guy is ready to move on now that the election is over. Howard said he's ready for that too. He said he hates worrying about things every day. Robin said she had a few days of feeling good but then shenanigans started up again so we're not out of it yet.
The caller said that he thinks a civics lesson would be good for people. He said he should inform people where money comes from. He said not a soul knows. Howard asked what he's referring to. The caller said that he's talking about what money is based on. He said people have no clue.
Howard said he might have to become a professor and give people lessons in civics. Robin said there's something on Netflix called What the Constitution Means to Me. Howard said he's not watching that. Robin said that show is a one woman show that this woman created and she gave speeches like this as a young girl to win contests and she turned it into a play. She said it tells you a lot about the constitution.
Howard said Shadoe Stevens wrote him a note and told him that his daughter is in one of those movies that he gets made fun over watching. He said that the daughter is really hot. He said Shadoe married a black woman and they have this mixed race daughter. He said that's his favorite. He said you should see his daughter. He said she's quite attractive. He said she's in a movie on Lifetime. He said Robin should not watch it. He said she plays a reporter who has to investigate a guy who gives away millions in Christmas gifts. He said she goes to interview him and they can't figure out where the money comes from. He said this guy is good looking and she's a knock out. He said he loves romance and he likes watching her. He said her name is Amber Stevens West. He said she meets this guy in the movie and she's interested in him. He said she asks who delivers these gifts and the guy says he has a friend named Chris... Chris Kringle. He said that he and Beth made a pact not to tell anyone they're watching this but it's called ''Christmas Unwrapped.'' Robin said that goes on Gary's list of things not to do.
Howard said he's hoping that this girl gets into a nice outfit for the Christmas Ball. He read the description of the movie. Robin said she's not watching that. She said she's not sure why grey have such thing as Lifetime movies. She said that's terrible.
Howard said that there's a movie where Kristen Stewart plays a lesbian. He said he's in as soon as he reads that. He said he watched a porn after he has seen it. He said it's the first time he ever did that. He said that he's been locked in the house for 8 months. He said that he saw this on YouPorn. He said it's a school teacher going to the gym. He said she's wearing tight yoga pants and a tight top. He said two female students show up in their bikinis. He said they ask the teacher what she's doing and they ask if they can go along. He said they end up going out with the teacher and they end up in her house where they have to change. He said he's usually gathering his tissues during that part. He said that he may have missed some of the plot. He said the teacher takes off her clothes and she's nude in front of the girls so she can try on a bathing suit.
Howard said the two students are like 19 and they're freaking out that she's nude in front of them. He said the teacher asks to try on one of their bikinis and they don't want to be naked. He said the teacher says they're all girls there so what's the big deal. He said one of the girls gives her a bikini to try on but she's covering up. He said the teacher asks questions about them never seeing each other naked or ever kissing. He said she gets them kissing and then everyone's bikini is off. He said the teacher is fingering the one girl. He said that he had seen this before but he watched it again because it was so good. He said he's embarrassed by that but he did enjoy it. Howard said he wants to be a better man but he's not.
Howard said he loves lesbians. He said he saw this holiday movie with Kristen Stewart in it. He said it's on Hulu. He said that he puts this movie on and it's Kristen Stewart who is so hot. He said she has a girlfriend in the movie and she takes her home for Christmas. Howard said it turns out her mother doesn't know she's a lesbian yet. He said she introduces her as her friend. He said this movie isn't out until the 25th of this month though.
Howard took a call from Mike from Maine who said he must get a lot of tampon ads based on what he watches. He said they must think he's a woman. Mike said they were talking about who might replace Alex Trebek and they referenced his interview with George Stephanopoulos. Howard said he loves Alex Trebek. He said that he did talk to George about that on the show. He said that he mentioned George's name when Robin asked who should replace him. Howard said he thinks George has the gravitas to replace Alex. He said that you have to have some kind of credibility to do that job. He said that George was a Rhodes Scholar. He said reads a tremendous amount of books. He said his kids do too.
Howard said Alex Trebek was the best at that job. Robin said she found out that he used to sit in the writer's room to help formulate the questions. Howard said this is a bright guy. He said you can't take over the hosting of Jeopardy if you're a bullshit artist. He said you can't fake it. He said you can't be struggling with words. He said you have to be able to run the game and catch it if they don't answer in question form. He said there's a lot to juggle there.
Howard said he did talk to Robin about George and then he talked to George off the air and told him he'd be a good host. He said that he saw the look in his eye and he thinks that he might be into it. He said he saw that he was already calculating and getting ready to buy a new house. He said that show is a license to print money. He said it's syndicated so it makes a tremendous amount of money. Howard said Merv Griffin developed those shows and he made a lot of money off of them.
Howard said the person who should host the show is this guy from Turkey who came up with the vaccine. Robin said that he has more important things to do. Howard said there's no money in that.
Robin said George is saying he's not looking to do that job. She said he has not been called and he should be left off of any lists that might be out there. Howard said he started this whole thing. Robin said now George is on the list. Howard said Alex doesn't want anyone good taking over that show. He said he wants it to fail. He said that he wants to be remembered. Howard said that Alex wanted Ken Jennings on that show but he's no host. Hard said when he retires he wants Benjy to replace him. He said no one will forget him if Benjy takes over.
Mike said that would be a great reality show to have Benjy as the boss of the show. Howard said Jon Hein is going around saying that Ken Jennings would be the best host for Jeopardy. He said don't listen to him. He said that he's wrong about that. He said George Stephanopoulos is the best man for the job. He said he can't act too anxious about it though. He said he has to lay back. Howard said George wants that job very badly. Robin laughed and asked if Allie knows this. Howard said she odes and she wants it bad too.
Howard said he thinks that George thinks that this would be a side gig for him. Robin said he's on Good Morning America 5 days a week and he's got the Sunday show too. Howard said he has Saturday to do it. He said he's going to stop playing golf and become a real worker.
Howard said he would play this the same way that George is playing it. He said he wants top dollar for it so he has to do this. Robin asked if he remembers when Regis left Live and grey had a series of hosts come in. Robin asked if they should do that with Jeopardy. Howard said no way. He said George is going to want a solid 5 year deal. He said he's the only guy left standing over there so he has to get a good deal. He said he has to let the deal come to him. He said don't audition or anything like that. He said he can handle it. Robin said Ken Jennings is willing to do anything to have that job. Howard said that's why no one wants him there. Howard said that he thinks that you can't act too over anxious.
Jon Hein got on and said he thinks that George is great but Ken Jennings will get it. He said that show doesn't need a name to host the show. He said Ken Jennings is a lot less expensive than George. He said they shoot it in L.A. and Ken is already a consulting producer on the show. Howard said he's right about the name. He said that Ken won the show and he was a top champion but he has no gravitas. He said he's a shlub. He said that Alex had a certain manner that you went ''wow!'' to. He said he had charisma and a great voice. He said you want someone like that to host the show. He said playing the game doesn't matter. He said you want someone who people will be interested in seeing.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he's 110 percent right about George. He said Jon is 110 percent wrong about Ken Jennings. He said that he's a bore.
Jon said that when Howard did the tribute to Alex he played a clip where he talked about Alex being made a producer so he could be paid more. He said that he thinks they're underestimating the audience too. Robin said that they like Ken because of his association with the show and Alex. Howard said no. Robin said they do have a love for Ken. Howard said the community is a bunch of losers. He said number 2 they don't know anything about show business. He said Ken Jennings was a player. He said they love the way he plays the game. He said Alex would have lost playing the game. He said he was dopey like him and he was just an announcer. Robin said no to that. She said he loved learning. She said he was a philosophical man. She said he doesn't know the man she knew.
Howard said forget Ken Jennings. Robin said George is a good choice. Jon said he'll bet that Ken is the next host of Jeopardy. Howard said no. He said he'll be if Ken will be the host or not. He said he says no. Jon said he'll take that bet. They bet $100. Robin said once Ken is appointed they can have another bet before they replace him with George. Howard said it'll be under a year. Jon said he's not backing his horse here. Howard said George has a gig and a busy life. He said he's not sure he's interested in this job. He said if they back up the Brinks truck then he'll take it. He said that they could use a bigger house. Robin said that's enough of that.
Jon said he gets all of what he's saying about the host job. He said he think Ken is an easy fix and he'll get the job. Robin said she has another name. She said Chris Wallace. Howard said nope to that too. He said he'll bet her $200 on that. He said that Chris lost control of that debate. He said he's not bad actually.
Howard said how about Trump hosting it. Robin said you have to have a man who's smart. She said that's all she's saying. Howard said how about Greta Thunberg. He said she's a long shot though.
Howard said that he really doesn't think it'll be Ken Jennings. He said people think hosting a game show is easy. He said there are certain guys who are good at it. He said they have to have a charisma. He said Dancing with the Stars had Tom Bergeron. He said he was very good at it. He said you didn't think of him because he got out of the way and he spoke clearly. He said that he handled himself very well. He said Tyra is having a hard time with her show because that's just not her thing. He said it's a very important decision. He said he remembers when they came to him for America's Got Talent. He said he did what George is doing right now. He said he told them to go fuck themselves the first time they walked in. He said he was very flattered but he was too busy. He said he wasn't busy but that's what he told them. He said he was watching America's Got Talent for free. He said you don't jump at it.
Howard said then they came to him with a horrible offer. He said fuck you to that too. He said then he didn't hear from them for about 7 months. He said he told them to go find someone else. He said the way George is doing things is the way to go. He said at home he wants it so bad. Robin laughed. Howard said he sits there waiting for that phone to ring.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a Jeopardy superfan. The guys were faking a call with a guy freaking out about talking about the show like this.
Howard said life goes on and Joe Biden won. Trump asked who says that. He asked if he's listening to the loony left wing news like FOX News. He said we have to stop the count. He said he's always hated counting. Howard said you have to sit down and accept reality and see that you didn't win. Trump said he did win.
Howard said the votes have been counted and he lost to Joe Biden by over 3 million votes. Trump said that's nothing. He said he lost a billion dollars in 1994 and that was nothing.
Trump asked where Hunter Biden is and why he's not around. He said just connect the dots. He said Hunter hacked the election for his dad. He said he heard that from High Register Sean. Howard said he's done with all of these conspiracies. Trump said he looked it up on the Google and everyone who voted for Joe Biden is in on the conspiracy. He said half of America is against him and he's going to sue each and every one of them.
Trump said it's so nice to be back on his show and he can say anything he wants to and won't get flagged on Twitter. He said that Ralph is crushing pussy and see, there's no fact checkers.
Trump said he has never lost anything but billions of dollars and a bunch of wives and casinos. Howard said if he says it then it must be true.
Trump said he's going to rent some rooms out of the White House. He said he'll make some money that way. He said they'll make a killing on that.
Trump asked if he can still hold rallies even though he's just a rich guy. Howard said of course he can. Trump said he's going to go out and grab pussy again. He had a woman letting out some screams. It was supposed to be Kalieigh McEnany.
Howard got in a plug for Mugsy Jeans for sponsoring the show today. He took a call from a guy who said he has a name for a Jeopardy host. He said the guy is a genius and he's desperate for work. He said how about Dolph Lundgren. Howard said he is one of those guys who has a high IQ. He said that he's like a wooden board in a movie though. He said he should host anything but Jeopardy. He said throw the name in there anyway.
Howard took a call from Apples who said they have picked on Ronnie for a while but he wants to look at Ralph. He said Ralph stood up for the election and they got on his side. He said he has a conspiracy theory that when they get the video of Ralph and Ronnie fighting they use an old picture of Ralph. He said since he was on recently he's just been calling in and using that picture. Howard said he's killing him here with this. He said he has to get to a point. Apples said Ralph is using an old picture of him for online content. Howard asked who isn't. Robin said she looks like a baby on the poster for the thing she's doing with Simone Dinnerstein.
Apples asked Howard if he was dating a new woman and things get intimate but there's a smell. Howard said they've been over this. He said go home and figure out a new question. He said he's been locked up in quarantine too long.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they just put their son back into school in New Jersey and they're worried. Howard said don't let him back in the house. He said he knows two people who just died from COVID personally. The caller said he lost some people too. He said his grandmother was in a nursing home and his wife's grandmother passed away too. He said it was within a couple of days of each other.
Howard said to answer seriously he feels so bad for parents who have kids who are in school. He said he doesn't know what the fuck he would do. He said he's glad he didn't have to go through this. He said everyone would have to quarantine with him. He said he has friends who have kids who go to school two times a week. He asked what that's about. Robin said they have them on shifts. Howard said these kids don't keep their hands off of one another. He said he doesn't know what's going on. He said we're all over the place with this. Robin said they could do it but she's not sure if they're doing it.
Howard said they have to find out what they did in New Zealand. Robin said if you tell a kid they can't touch someone they make a game out of it. She said if you put them in a shielded area then they don't have to wear masks. She said we make it complicated here.
Howard said just stay home and learn on Zoom. Robin said it's hard to sit there on Zoom. Howard said he had a hard time sitting in a classroom. Howard said he feels for the caller. He said that he has to figure this out. The caller said that grey had their son home in September. He said it was a disaster. He said it was a fucking nightmare having him there. He said that he wasn't being a kid and he wasn't learning. He said in October they had to send a letter to get him back into school.
Howard said that it's a bad position. The caller said they limit the class to 14 kids. He said they're not allowed to go anywhere but outside for recess. Howard said maybe that will work. The caller said it's such a disgusting situation and they're so glad that Biden was elected. The caller said he had a guy at the gas station not wearing a mask and he got into an argument with him.
The caller said he went out shopping and this guy in line he knew was going to say something. He said the guy said he wasn't putting a mask on. He said it's disgusting. Howard said he doesn't give a shit about anyone else. The caller said that two people behind them told him not to put it on. Howard said they scream about their freedom and they're ready to fight you. The caller said these people are so confrontational. Howard said that's because they have the go ahead from their guru.
Howard said it's not too much to ask to wear a mask. He said that the local mayors and governors have been warning people that a second wave is coming and they're right. He said he feels this guy's pain so much. He said that's why he's been on the air talking about the craziness in this country. He said we're so far behind the war on COVID. He said he feels for this guy and everyone out there. He said we have to get out of this asshole behavior about not wearing masks. He said just wear a fucking mask.
Howard played a song parody about people not wearing their masks. Robin said that Ben Carson has COVID and he's a doctor who should know how to avoid it. Howard said he knows a guy who has no memory from this COVID. The caller said that it's strange how it affects people differently.
The caller said that he loves Howard and everyone there. He said he's home from work and hearing the show is very uplifting. He said it's great to have him as an uplifting voice. He said he appreciates what they're doing. Howard said he doesn't see how anyone on this planet can see it any differently. He said we are fucked. He said that we're leading the world in one way and that's COVID. He said this is what government is for. He said we have to figure out how to stop this thing. Howard told the caller to hang in there.
The caller said that we're not the ''United'' states right now. He said they have to work this thing out. He said it's such a nightmare right now. He said if Hillary was elected he's sure that things would have gone differently. He said this fucker took it all away from us. Howard told him to hang in there.
Howard said his friend who lost his memory is on the phone. He took the call and one of the guys from the show was acting like he didn't know who he called or why he called. Howard didn't last long with the bit.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he wanted to denounce all of the fucking people who voted for Trump. He said thank god he's out of office. Robin said he's not out yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he stopped listening to him but he's a 30 year listener. He asked when he became such a big pussy. He said he's afraid of everything. Howard said you're damn right. Robin said he always has been. The caller said it's draining. Howard said he sounds like this guy he saw on the internet who was a no mask wearing guy. He said grey taped him right before he got COVID and he said he had made a mistake. The caller said he had COVID and it was scary. Howard said that he's a pussy, so what. The caller said that nature wins. Howard said in Australia nature didn't win. He said he's not making that up. The caller asked if everyone else around the world makes more sense. Howard said this guy is fucking nuts. He said Gary's father died in a hospital alone from this. He said the caller is a pussy.
Howard said we beat Polio. He asked what's wrong with him. The caller said that he just took an angel to get him on the air and it worked. He said that's what he did there. He said he loves Howard and thinks he's awesome.
Howard said Bigfoot called into the show in September and said he was off his meds. He said that this is what unmedicated Bigfoot sounds like. He played a clip of Bigfoot rambling about a bunch of things when he called into the show in September.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to Bigfoot about his medication. He's back on medication but new ones now. Bigfoot was still pretty out there with his thoughts even on this medication. He said he's in less of a fog but he can't read minds as well as he used to. He said he has to use more strength to read minds now.
Robin said you have to love Bigfoot. Howard said he has some negative side effects from the medication. He played another clip of Bigfoot talking about that with Wolfie. He said he has some stool softeners to help out with his hard turds that came from the medication. Wolfie got a bunch of graphic details about that.
Howard had Wolfie on the line. He asked how he's holding up. Wolfie said he's good. Howard said he didn't know he was bald. Wolfie said that happened in the last 3-4 years. He said that it's just easier to shave his head. Howard said Eric Andre shaved his head. He said he's not sure why. He said he should get his hair back. He said he's not sure why he shaved his head.
Howard played another clip of Bigfoot talking to Wolfie about jerking off. He said sometimes the Weather Channel will turn him on enough to jerk off. He said some of them look sexy.
Howard said Bigfoot has a special place where he ejaculates. He played another clip where he talked about wiping it on his blanket. He said he has a quilt that he uses to wipe it off of himself. He said he washes it but not very often. He said sometimes it's stiff as a board by the time he gets to cleaning it. He said if it's filed with bugs or too damp he'll wash it. Howard said that you should have seen Robin's face when she heard that.
Howard said after 4 months of jerking off once a day he'd have over 120 loads on that blanket. He said that's a lot of load. He said if he has a load he doesn't have that much but it causes havoc. He said he tries to get it in a tissue and sometimes it misses. He said it's a big mess.
Robin said she's not sure what that blanket must be like on him when he's under it. Howard said it has to be hard as a board. Robin said it would crack trying to fit it around your body.
Wolfie said every surface in that house is disgusting. He said he has towels that are smeared with brown shit. He said it's horrible. Howard asked if he has a washer and dryer in the house. Wolfie said he does and it's in the basement. Howard said he has shit and blood all over. Wolfie said he's not sure what he uses for detergent. He said he might just use water.
Howard said to finish up the update he has a list of bugs in Bigfoot's home. He played a clip of Bigfoot talking about the different kinds of bugs he has in his house. He said he has lightning bugs among others. Howard said it sounds like that alternate world that they went to in Stranger Things.
Wolfie said that Bigfoot puts food on the floor so if he wakes up there's something to eat. He said when he wakes up the food is covered in bugs. He said he can't figure out where they come from even though he has food out. Howard said he can't have lightning bugs in his house. He said that's not possible.
Howard said Bigfoot deals with the bugs in a unique way. He played a clip of Bigfoot talking about how he pours rubbing alcohol on his body and that kills the bugs with a pop. Wolfie asked if he can go to the doctor. Bigfoot said he gave up on them.
Wolfie said that he has his TV playing really loud all day and that's why he can barely hear him in those clips.
Howard said he has a game they can play. He asked if it's too late to play it. Robin said she's good. Howard said Wolfie asked him a bunch of questions about things Bigfoot has done in his life. He said they found out a lot last time.
Howard said Robin has to guess if Bigfoot has done things or not. He asked Robin if Bigfoot has ever found a dead body. Robin said yes. She said there might be one in that house right now. Howard said he thinks that he has seen one. He played the clip and Bigfoot talked about finding a body of a woman who lost her head. He said that she was out there for like a week. He said she came to his door and said she was dying that night and he didn't believe her. He said he found her dead later. Howard said he took 2 lie detector tests and they say he didn't do it. Wolfie said they verified it wasn't him.
Howard said this game is sweeping America. He said that George Stephanopoulos wants to host it.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever gone down on a woman who is on her period. Robin said of course he has. Howard played a clip and Bigfoot said he has never eaten one out but he has fucked them with their period.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever eaten human flesh. Robin said no. Bigfoot said yes he has. He said that it doesn't taste good. He said it made him puke and gave him diarrhea.
Howard said that he said he had a dinner out in a house in the mountains and he was served human flesh. Robin said she doesn't believe that.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever seen Star Wars. Robin said if he hasn't then you wonder how he missed it. She said she'll say no. Howard played the clip and Bigfoot said he doesn't watch space shit. He said he doesn't watch army shows either. He said it's too much drama and bullshit.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever cut out his own tooth using a butter knife. Robin said that's too painful. Robin said no way. Bigfoot said he did and he swallowed his tooth. He said it hurt a lot. He said it was less painful after he pulled it out.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever cracked a thermometer and drank the mercury out of it. Robin said yes. She was right. Bigfoot talked about how nothing happened when he did it.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever sat on Santa's lap. Robin said she can't imagine that. She said he had to have. Howard played the clip and Bigfoot said no, never. He said he never believed in him.
Howard said Bigfoot revealed that he's never received a Christmas gift. Howard said Wolfie is buying him some stuff. Wolfie said he's going to give him clothes and things like that. He said he's excited about it.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever petted a wild moose. Robin said he has. Howard played the clip and Bigfoot said no he hasn't. He said they're wild so you can't get close to them. Howard said it's weird when Bigfoot has common sense.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever injected alcohol into his veins. Robin said yes. Howard played the clip and Bigfoot said that he has. He said it made him black out like you have no idea what happened. Howard said according to Wolfie's notes he injected himself with white lightning which is some sort of moonshine.
Howard asked if Bigfoot has ever been interrogated by the FBI. Robin said yes. She was right. Howard played a clip of Bigfoot talking about that. He said they wanted to know about a bank robbery that someone he knew was part of.
Howard said good work Wolfie. He said they learned a lot about Bigfoot. He said he has a fascinating life. Wolfie said he should write a book. Howard said he should host Jeopardy. Howard said he has a haunted house if Richard wants to visit one.
Howard said he has some OJ stuff he wanted to get to but he'll hold off. Robin asked why OJ is in the news. Howard said he was tweeting and rubbing things in people's face. He said he's out on the golf course and he seems to always be playing fantasy football and things like that. He said you wonder about his life. He said he'd like to be able to do all of that stuff.
Howard said he has to dig out this one tweet that will drive Robin nuts. He took a call from a guy who said his uncle passed away from COVID a few weeks ago. He said he wasn't able to go because it was in Texas. He said that it was too risky to go there. He said he wanted to thank him for telling people to just wear a mask. He said you just have to do it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had COVID and he spent 31 days in the hospital. He said that he was on a blood cleaning machine too. He said he died 4 times and they brought him back. He said he was disgusted when he saw Trump come out and rip that mask off like he defeated COVID. Howard asked what he saw when he was dead. The caller said that he was in a coma for a couple of weeks and he saw some wild things. He said he thought he was in a mental home. He said the place was called Corona. He said he had no idea what COVID-19 was when he came out of it. He said he had no idea where he was or what that was. He said that very few people come off this Ecmo machine alive. He said it gets him so mad when people won't wear a mask.
Howard said it's really distressing to see this going on. He asked if he's all better now. The caller said that grey put this machine in him and they put an inch and a quarter cut in you and grey cut a nerve so his legs feel like they're asleep all the time. He said he has memory loss too. Howard said there are a lot of memory issues. Robin said her friend forgets whole parts of the sentence she was trying to say and she can't get it back. Howard said it's like being Sal.
Howard said he should end the show. He took a call from a guy who said that he's sorry for anyone going through this COVID thing. He said they should get into the OJ thing. Howard said he will do a little bit of that.
Howard said he'll play one clip. He said this fucking guy will drive you nuts. He said this is from June. He said that he loves that Twitter hasn't verified him yet. He said he has 925,000 people following him. He said he knows it's kind of funny to follow him but it sucks that you're giving him attention. He said he even has a catch phrase. He said he always says ''I'm just saying'!'' Howard said he only follows 32 people and they're all sports guys and no women.
Howard said OJ is all jolly on there. He said this one's the best. He said all of this stuff is annoying. Howard said he tweeted out a video announcing the death of Nicole Brown's mother. Robin asked if he's kidding. Howard said her name is Juditha. Howard said this is his announcement. Howard played the clip of OJ talking about that.
Howard asked JD if he was in his golf cart for this. JD said he was at home it looked like. Howard said that's because he's Sad OJ in this. He was very down when he said ''Hey Twitter World.''
Howard played more of the clip and OJ went on to make the announcement about Juditha. He said he lost someone very special to him and mentioned Juditha Brown. Howard said this is the craziest shit. He said that most people believe that he killed Nicole Brown and now he's announcing that her mother was very dear to him.
JD said that he's the only one who has made this announcement. He said that no one else has said anything about it. Howard did his OJ impression talking about that.
Howard played more of OJ talking about Juitha's death. OJ said she was always kind and always ready to lend an ear. Howard let the clip play and did more of his impression of him. Howard said he's always so calm. JD said you know he was serious because he didn't end that one with ''I'm just saying'!''
Howard asked if he was implying that he was in touch with her until the end. Robin said it did sound like that. She said it sounds like that's what he was saying.
Howard did more of his OJ impression and went on and on about how he didn't ever want to stab her.
Howard said he's the best. He said it's unbelievable. He said you'd think he'd shut the fuck up. Robin said they have seen a lot of unbelievable things in their lives and he's just one of them. Howard kept going with the impression and had him talking about cutting Nicole's head off. He had OJ talking about how Juditha never called the police on him and she listened to him unlike Nicole.
Howard said Juditha testified against OJ at the trial. He said that makes this even more bizarre. He kept doing the impression and said he could play a million of these messages. He said he might as well. He played one that OJ did about making fun of that Jeffrey Toobin guy jerking off during a Zoom session. Howard said he forgot about that guy already. He said that's how fast the news cycle is. Howard played the clip and OJ mentioned Pee Wee Herman in that clip. Howard said way to bring up something 30 years old.
Howard said he has a clip of OJ recapping a political argument he had with some friends. He played that clip next. OJ was going on and on about this discussion they had and they were talking about COVID and things like that. Howard did his impression of OJ talking about all of these things.
Howard said he's such a bore. He said that he goes on and on about this stuff. He said you want him to shut the fuck up. Howard wondered what kind of scumbags hang out with this guy. He said he's just sayin'. He said he's a fucking piece of work.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's thinking about OJ and how Nicole was fighting for her life and he chopped her head off. Howard said that's allegedly.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that whole thing sounds strange that he spoke to Juditha. Howard said it really does sound suspicious. He said if he killed his wife and called his mother in law to talk about it she might tell him to go away.
Howard said he was going to leave but he has more to play. He said now he can't stop. He played another clip of OJ talking about fantasy football. He said this guy got out of a murder rap so don't be out there bragging about playing fantasy football.
Howard asked who's listening to this shit. He did more of his impression and said he imagines his friends letting him win so he won't kill them.
Howard said he has a couple more. He said he trash talks the members of his fantasy football league. He asked who plays fantasy football with OJ. Robin said everyone seems to be playing with him. Howard said how about Robert Blake. He said he's not sure if he's even alive. JD said he thinks he is. Howard said it's enough. He said that you never hear from Robert Blake. Howard said he could go on and on with this but he's tired. He said he has to hear this trash talking clip though. JD said it's not that good. He said he has another one where he talks about people flying in during COVID. He said they're all flying in from all over the country. He said they're his fantasy football people who are coming from all over.
Howard played the clip and OJ was talking about their fantasy football draft and how people were flying in from all over to do it. Howard said OJ doesn't get it because it's afraid of him.
JD said in the next one OJ talks about 9/11 and then goes right into his fantasy football talk. Howard played that clip and OJ quickly mentioned 9/11 and then went right into fantasy football talk.
Howard said someone has to investigate who these people are playing with OJ. He said he'd never think about this guy if he wasn't on Twitter. Robin said Robert Blake is always out of sight and out of mind. Howard said he disappeared.
Howard said he's staying away from OJ. He kept doing his impression of him. He said what a crazy situation that is. Robin said we're in the Upside Down. Howard said they should go because it's late. He said he loves his audience and he can't leave his people. He said he will just go back to bed and grooming the cats.
Howard read a note about OJ winning his fantasy football league last year and wearing a belt for the win. Howard said he was found innocent so there you go. He said we don't really know. Robin said he was the only one there and he's not talking. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was listening to the Rolling Stones Gimme Shelter and he saw a performance of the Rolling Stones live. He said it was in some club. He said they had a backup singer who was singing with Mick Jagger and she was good. He said he was going to play it but he can't find it anywhere.
Howard burped. He said he ate his diet dinner last night. He said it was steamed vegetables with no sauce on it. He said Beth looked at him and asked what he's doing to himself. He said he told her that his blood test wasn't so great and he has to suffer to get it back to normal. He said he doesn't eat much all day so he looks forward to his dinner. He said they eat at 6 o'clock and not a minute later. He said that he's ravenous by then. He said he eats a little bit of breakfast and lunch but they get ready for dinner. He said Beth gets dressed up but he wears the same thing every night. He said that annoys Beth.
Howard said he's so tired all the time that he won't let her wash his pants. He said she says he hasn't washed them in months but they're just pants he throws on to jerk around the house. He said he hardly wears them. He said they don't have to be washed every day. He said he's not a smelly guy.
Howard said he tries to make himself as miserable as possible. Robin said he has this martyr complex. She said he thinks he must suffer to have the things he has. Howard said he's never been suicidal but he lives at that level. Robin said he's like a monk who lives at this level of deprivation. She said he thinks he must suffer in order to be okay with what he has. Howard said if that's what's going on he'll accept that. He said it's nothing conscious, he's just miserable.
Robin said everything is a bad thing to him. She said it becomes torture when a good friend asks him to induct his band into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame . Howard said if he has to do something like that it's work for him. Robin said it's all in his wheelhouse. She said he has those abilities. Howard said he doesn't want more work. He said he gets paid to work.
Howard said his mood goes from miserable to despondent. He said people will write to him in email and he gets upset that he has to write them back. He said don't write him a nice email. He said leave him alone. He said he's a miserable guy.
Howard said they sat down for dinner and they're done by 6:20. He said one night it went to 6:25. He said it's 25 minutes of pleasure. He said now he dreads eating. Robin said now he has dinner but he won't be happy. Howard said yes. He said he was happy when he got on the scale this morning. Robin asked if Beth was there for that. Howard said she wasn't. He said at least he weighs less now.
Howard said he had salmon with steamed broccoli. He said it had nothing on it. He said he had salad with no dressing on it. He said it's so fucking boring. He said he was back down to his weight this morning.
Robin said he only enjoys the scale by himself and not with Beth. Howard said that's right. He said he's eating like a pigeon. Robin said when he's 105 years old from taking care of himself he's going to be lying there wondering what that was all about. Howard said he won't make it to 105. He said that he was convinced he was dying yesterday. He said every time he stands up he feels like he's going to pass out. He said he thought he was going to pass out on the bike when he was working out. He said he's not sure what the point of anything is.
Howard said he wakes up reading about Trump denying on the election and that gets to him. He said he won't spend a lot of time on this. He said that he thinks it's fixed and rigged. He said everything is so depressing. He said he's not sure how anyone has any joy. He said now he's in his basement. He asked what's going on. He said please don't call him with your dumb politics. He said if you don't agree with him he's a lot smarter than you. He said you're a dummy.
Howard said if you think COVID is being handled well then just go fuck yourself. He said these televangelists are another thing. He said that they have tax exempt status and he doesn't get it. He said that he was listening to some of these clips and they're just out there. Robin said they're not the Religious Right, they're the Religious Wrong. Howard said he's going to use that. He said he's going to play that stuff later in the show. He said he can't do this right now.
Howard said Trump says the election is rigged and you ask how and they have no explanation.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked when he thinks he'll be comfortable going out to eat and things like that. He said he and his wife just did that a month ago. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. The caller said maybe it'll cheer him up. Howard said it won't cheer him up. He said he's glad he took a risk. He said he'll be ready around 2058. He said the pandemic is worse than ever right now. The caller said he knows that. Howard said he picked a real good time to go. The caller said the numbers aren't going up as much in the area he lives in than they are around the country. He said he's being safe out there and he feels it's safe to go out. Howard said he doesn't feel safe. He said he hasn't been to his dentist in 8 months. He said he doesn't want to take the chance. He said he used to go every 3 months. He said he hasn't been to the dermatologist. He said he will be comfortable going out when people have been inoculated and things are going down.
Howard said he's not sure when he'll be comfortable out there. The caller said he is being safe and he's wearing a mask. Robin said you can't wear one when you're eating and drinking. Howard said the NY Times said we had 1500 new Coronavirus deaths yesterday and 139,000 new cases.
Howard said he has assholes who call him asking if he believes everything he reads. He said he does believe that. The caller said you have to. Howard said there are so many idiots in this country. Howard said go out and do your thing and if you're all dead when he comes out then that's fine.
The caller asked if they're doing takeout. Howard said they are. He said this guy Dr. Rick is getting on his nerves.
Robin said the CDC has issued their strongest statement about masks so far. Robin said they say the mask protects you and others from you. Robin said they say that you get protection from wearing a mask. Howard said Dr. Fauci has to keep telling people to do this. He asked how many times he has to do that. Robin gave a list of how the virus is spread and it can just be from breathing around other people.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Beth ever doesn't wear panties around the house. Howard said she always wears them. He said he'll ask her to do that and she doesn't want to sit on a chair without underwear on. He said at least you have a layer of protection on. Robin agreed. The caller said Robin doesn't wear panties. Robin said she has them on now. Howard said he found out that women don't want to be fingered while they're eating.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling in from England. He said he wanted to thank them for staying on top of this Coronavirus stuff. He said he's living over seas and watching the election was really special over there. He said that it's a global thing and he wants Howard to stay on top of this. He said it's a scary time for all of us. He asked if Ronnie has weighed in on all of this fake vote stuff. Howard said he hasn't heard from Ronnie in a couple of days. He asked if Robin has spoken to him. Robin said not since the election.
Howard said he thinks Ronnie would be Serious Ronnie and not want to talk. He said he'd be the opposite of the boisterous guy. He said he's got two speeds, low and high. He said he'd be really low today. He did his impression of Ronnie if he put him on today and he figured he'd be really mellow and saying he doesn't know anything.
Ronnie popped on so Howard put him on with the caller who asked what he thinks about what's going on. Ronnie said he feels that it's over and done with. He said someone lost and he has to accept it and the country has to move on and we have to support our president.
The caller said that they have that Pompeo guy saying that they have to get ready for their second term and that's dangerous stuff. Ronnie said he can't do anything about that. The caller thanked Howard for taking his call.
Gary asked if he can ask a question. Ronnie Puppet said it's wet pussy Wednesday... Yeah!. Ronnie said it's actually hump day.
Howard said he heard that Ronnie thought the election was boring. Ronnie said it was the same thing over and over. He said it went on until Saturday. He said it was just the same thing over and over. He said it was boring to him.
Gary asked if Ronnie thought the election was fair. Ronnie said yeah. Howard asked if Stephanie goes to restaurants without panties. Ronnie said no. He said she's not into that. He said she still keeps them on after work until she goes to bed. Howard said guys have a fantasy that they won't wear panties but the woman wants germs kept out of there. Ronnie said that's also how they get a UTI.
Ronnie said he tried working out on the treadmill without underwear on and that didn't work out too well. He said he got a rub burn on his dick. He said he thought it would be more comfortable. Howard said he always wears underwear.
Howard asked how many miles Ronnie walks on the treadmill. Ronnie said 3 or 4. He said he has the TV on and he got hooked on The Price is Right. He said he puts that on and he will watch that when he goes downstairs. He said it's like 45 minutes. He said that he'll watch other shows on the treadmill while he's on it for an hour. He said he goes at about 3-3.5 miles her hour. He said he lost 15 pounds doing that.
Howard said he walks and eats sensibly. Ronnie said not to the extent that Howard does. He said he has an apple with cheese and crackers for breakfast. He said that's more of a lunch breakfast. He said he's not a real breakfast person. He said he'll have a regular dinner. He said last night he had eggplant Parmesan with potatoes. He said that he never was a 3 meal person. Howard said he has a good plan there. Ronnie said he's trying.
Howard said it sounds like Ronnie is doing good. Ronnie said he feels good. He said there's always shit going on there. He said they have a 16 year old sick dog. He said the dog has pancreatitis. He said it started off with a UTI. Howard said he didn't know he had a dog. Ronnie said it was Stephanie's dog. He said it's 16 now. He said it was just over a year old when he met her.
Howard said he had no idea he had a dog. Ronnie said that she's the only dog that got along with his dog Dudley. He said it was a really sad thing when his dog died. Ronnie said the dog is 16 and that's a really long life for a dog. He said this dog is like steel. He said now she's starting to break down because she's so old. He said she's doing pretty good in the hospital though. He said she's already turning around.
Howard said he wants to offer that dog a book deal. He said imagine what that dog has seen. Howard asked if it's seen him with a dildo in his ass. Ronnie said she's in the room when that's going on.
Howard said that dog has witnessed everything. Ronnie said she used to be in the bed with them. He said Dudley used to be in there too. Ronnie said Dudley used to get really upset when they'd do things in bed. He said his old dog would sniff his ass. He said that was Sporty. He said Sporty would smell his ass all the time. Howard said he's smelled it and it's very nice.
Ronnie said you couldn't lock Sporty out of the room either. He said he'd bang on the door. He said sometimes he's sit at the foot of the bed and stare at them. Howard said he always likes the action. Ronnie said he doesn't like people watching. He said dogs are fine. Ronnie puppet said he once did a facial on Dudley.
Howard said he was watching this video on social media and this 23 month old kid had this family dog that would sleep at the foot of the bed. He said the kid would get into the dog bed with the dog. Howard said they put a camera in the kid's room and they found out how he sits there laying with the dog. He said the dog just deals with it. He said dogs are amazing. Ronnie said they really are. He said Dudley used to lay with his head on the pillow. He said you'd wake up to him laying there. He said that dog was unbelievable. He said he was amazing. He said he still thinks about him all the time. He said he goes to visit him at the cemetery. Howard said he really loved that dog. Ronnie said he did.
Robin asked if he thinks that he'll ever get another one. Ronnie said they talk about it. He said they will have animals in the house no matter what. Howard asked what Dudley died from. Ronnie said he had pancreatic cancer. Howard asked if he was there when he died. Ronnie said he was and he'll never do that again. He said it was too weird for him. He said they took him to put him to sleep. He said everyone was there in the room and they were all crying and shit. He said they gave him anything he wanted to eat. He said they gave him the shots and grey die with their eyes open. He said it's the weirdest sight to watch all the life come out of their body. He said that he flipped his shit when that happened. He said he lost his shit with the cat last month too. He said that cat had cancer too.
Howard said that's why Ronnie is all depressed. He said he has to be in the room with the cats when the go to sleep permanently. He said Beth can't handle it. He said he has to do it and he's not emotionally equipped for it. He said he keeps his emotions bottled up. He said then it brings out all of his humanity. He said when grey put Sophia down she was barely 2 years old. He said this was not fun. He said he hates feeling human. He said he's to sure how they do it. Ronnie said he's not sure how Stephanie does it every day. He said she sees it every day. He said she's in oncology and they have to go through this with so many pets.
Ronnie said they had a great cat who got cancer at 10 and he lived another 5 years. He said he had a good life up until the last 5 months.
Howard said that they get emails from people who won't take their pets with them and they threaten to have them put down. Howard asked how inhumane you can be to take a family member and just dump them on the street or put them down. Robin said people won't even wear masks to protect other people.
Ronnie said people went out and adopted dogs in March when the lock down happened. He said now people are back out and about and they want to do things and they don't want the dog anymore. Howard said grey get email from people threatening to put their pets down because they don't know what to do with it. He said they talk about having it euthanized. He said it's their mother's pet and they won't take it in. He said people are such fucks.
Howard took a call from Dudley from heaven. The guys had a dog barking to answer questions. Howard had the dog barking once for yes and twice for no. Howard asked Dudley if he went to heaven and things like that. He asked if he misses the smell of Ronnie's asshole. Dudley barked yes. Howard asked if he ever chewed on his dildo collection like a bone. Dudley barked yes. Howard asked if Ronnie ever came when he sniffed his asshole. Dudley barked yes.
Howard let Dudley go and took a call from King of All Blacks. King said he loves Ronnie. He said he just had to put his two dogs down so he knows how he feels. He said going to the cemetery is going over board though. Ronnie said they have a double plot so Gracie can go there when she goes. He said that he hasn't been there in a while but he used to go every couple of months. He said it was around where his grand kids are so he'd stop there. He said Mariann's dog is buried there also. King wanted to know if he brings flowers. Ronnie said they have flowers done. He said it's a seasonal thing. He said they take care of the grave site and put flowers and decorations there.
King asked if he dresses up to go there. Ronnie said no he doesn't. He said he just goes there. He said when Dudley died they had a whole funeral and they had 30 people there. He said it was in the snow and rain and it was really cool. King asked if they came for him or for the dog. Ronnie said they came for the dog. He said the veterinarian came.
Howard asked what he does there. Ronnie said he'll just chill out and hang out with the dog. He said he'll sit there and think about him. He doesn't have to say anything.
Howard asked if he gave a eulogy at the funeral. Ronnie said they had a whole ceremony. He said they had a service inside the funeral home there. He said that Jim McClure's wife made a video of Dudley's life with pictures and videos. He said he just talked about how he was his best friend and shit like that. He said he put the dirt in the grave with a shovel. He said he's breaking up here. He said it was great.
Howard asked if he still has the eulogy. Ronnie said he doesn't but he has the video. He said he looked at it the other day. Howard asked if he leaves treats for him there. Ronnie said no but there are flowers there.
King said he wants to ask something. Howard said Ronnie should cremate his pets. He said that's what they do and they have them all in their bedroom. Ronnie said they have their cat in a box. He said that they have Stephanie's gecko too. He said Gracie is going with Dudley though.
Howard said there you go. King said that's not what he called about. Howard asked why the gecko didn't get a funeral. Ronnie said that it's just what Stephanie decided to do. Ronnie said that Dudley was special. He said he was human to him. He said that he couldn't burn him.
Ronnie said they went to a regular cemetery place and had a headstone made. He said it cost $3,000. He said they took a picture of him and carved it into the headstone. Howard said he can't help but think that someone like Sal won't get a funeral as nice as Dudley's. Howard said he thinks Sal's family will flush Sal down the toilet.
Robin said she was thinking that she should have done something like that with her horse Blaze. She said he's in a big box. Howard said he can't get on Ronnie about this. He said that they keep their pet's ashes. Ronnie said that his ex has his other dog's ashes.
Howard let King go and took a call from a guy who said he wanted to give Ronnie puppet props. He mentioned some joke he said but no one had a clue what he was talking about. The caller had to explain what it was about. It had something to do with a pool filter.
Howard took a call from Mike from Maine who asked if he got a chance to check out Dave Chappelle on Saturday Night Live and his monologue. Howard said he saw it. Mike asked what he thought about it. Howard said he gave his opinion yesterday. He said that Dave is in the zone and might be our best comedian out there. He said he's so effortless. He said he wasn't really doing a stand up routine but he was being thoughtful and doing some jokes. He said he's a smart guy and he always gets you thinking. He said his presentation almost seems to be coming right off the top of his head. He said that he's in full control on stage. He said he's a master at what he does. He said he's sort of winging it up there for 16 minutes. He said a lot can go wrong but he has a fuck it kind of attitude. He said he puts it out there and he's incredibly relaxed. He said he's a tremendous performer. Robin said he manages the audience. She said he doesn't miss a beat. She said if you don't like a joke he just moves on to something they may like.
Howard said they had Dave on and Foo Fighters. He said it was a good show. Robin said she was thinking about how great it would be if Dave was hosting that week and it turned out that's who hosted. Howard said he's a huge fan of Dave's. He said that he was a huge fan when he was a young guy. He said he'd come on the show all the time and he always welcomed him there. He said he could come in and just hang. He said he didn't have to be on constantly. He said he just had that ability to be part of the nonsense they had going on.
Robin said that Dave once played her on some show years ago. She said they were doing a parody of them and Dave played her. Gary said it was on MTV. He said that Dave was about 11 pounds and they had these huge boobs on her. He said it was ridiculous but it was funny as hell. Howard asked who played him. Gary said he can't remember. Robin said it was the guy who used to do him all the time. Gary said maybe Elon Gold. Howard said that's the guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Ronnie was planning on taking Dudley to Las Vegas with him when he moves or is he leaving him behind like everyone else there. Howard asked Ronnie what he's going to do. Ronnie said he's not digging him up. He said he'll visit when he comes back to visit family.
Robin asked if they bring Gracie to Las Vegas and she dies there, will they bring her back here to bury her. Ronnie said they will. Howard asked if he'll tell Dudley that he's leaving for Las Vegas. Ronnie said he might. Howard said he'll leave him alone with that now.
Ronnie puppet did a speech for Dudley about the move to Las Vegas. He said to remember him he'll fuck himself in the ass with a Milk Bone.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Fred has to dumb himself down to play Ronnie puppet. Fred said not at all. He said Ronnie has some intelligence that he tries to get into with that character.
Robin asked who would transport Gracie's body to New York. Ronnie said you can put her in a coffin thing and put her on a plane. He said they'll fly back and they'll have her with them on the plane. He said FedEx does that.
Howard took another call from King of All Blacks who said he got suspended from Twitter. He wanted to ask him about that. He kept asking if he can hear him okay. Howard said he has to get out of this. He asked how many days he has left there.
King said he got suspended from Twitter for saying the word ''nigga.'' He said people say worse than that and they stay on twitter. Robin said take it up with Twitter. Howard said he doesn't run Twitter but it has to be a horrible job to figure out what to do there. He said grey may have computers that pick up hate speech and they just go fuck this guy and suspend you. He said it's hate speech. King said he gets it now.
King asked if he can promote his cameo. Howard hung up on him. He said there you go, he has a Cameo.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he's so condescending to his callers. Howard asked what he means. The caller said that they had a caller who he was condescending with earlier. He said he didn't give him his time. Howard said not everyone is that interesting. Howard said this guy is being a bit of an asshole. The caller said he's being condescending to his listeners. Howard said don't listen then. He said he's not going to leave someone on who is dopey. The caller said he had some good points about Dave Chappelle. Howard said that was Mike from Maine. Howard told the guy to do him a favor, don't listen to the final 12 shows. He said he's a pain in his ass. the caller said he's got it.
Howard said he was very thoughtful with Mike. He said he's running a radio show there. He said someone has to be in charge. Robin said it was just one listener and he wasn't being condescending with all of his listeners. Howard said he has to control this show and he has to make it funny. Robin said Howard knows what's funny and he manages the show. Howard said you try to make something out of these calls. He said just stand in his shoes for 5 minutes. He said don't call in if you have feelings.
Robin said that guy said he has been listening for 30 years and he thinks Howard has to change for him.
Howard said just listen to the show and tune out if it annoys you. He said he's not going to beg anyone to listen. He said he's not looking to make friends there. He went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and sang along with the Miley Cyrus song a little bit. He talked it up like a WNBC DJ.
Howard said that Miley sang this on the show in 2017. He said she said that she thinks about her dog when she sings it. He said that she also said that a bunch of producers turned this song down.
Howard said he was listening to the Stones ''Gimme Shelter'' and how that backup singer was really good. He played some of the song and said her name is Merry Clayton. He said she had an interesting story. He asked Jon Hein about her. He said he thinks the story is that they needed someone to sing backup on the song and it was like 2 in the morning and they needed her right away. He said they called this Merry Clayton and she came in wearing her pajamas and she was pregnant at the time. He said they had her sing the song how many times. Jon said she did 3 takes. He said they were thinking that they had to have a woman sing that part and she came in and blew them away. He said there's an isolated track where her voice cracks when she sings ''rape murder.'' He said when she got home she miscarried as a result of that performance apparently.
Howard said he never heard of that. Jon said if you hear how she sings it it's incredible. Howard had the isolated track. He played that. Howard said that's all you have to do to lose a baby? He said you don't need an abortion clinic.
Howard said that's an interesting story. Jon said she was in a car accident a few years ago and she had both legs amputated. He said she's 71 years old now. He said she sang on some other famous songs too. Howard said he was watching a video of this woman singing on stage with them and it was such a good performance. He said she was on fire. He said that Merry Clayton story is something else. Howard said they should send her a fruit basket or something. He said he's not sure what you do for someone who lost their legs.
Howard said that Lynyrd Skynyrd and Joe Cocker wanted to use her after the Stones. Jon said that she was a go to person for back up vocals. He said she's dueting with someone so she's not just trowing in some lines. Howard asked she was in the same room with Jagger. Jon said that she was in a booth. He said she had curlers in her hair and things like that. He said that she could see that they liked what they were getting.
Howard asked if she had any hits of her own. Jon said no she never broke through as a featured artist. Howard said Gary thinks he found the video he was talking about. He said it was with Lisa Fisher singing backup. Howard played that clip for a few seconds.
Howard said he wants to get to some fan feedback. He read through some of the feedback they got about Gary's book anniversary discussion. He had a bunch of feedback about that.
Howard said Gary became a list guy for some time. He said he was into lists. Gary said he's been into them for his whole life.
Howard said he has the origin story about how he got into lists. He said that this is insane. He said he was listening to it last night. He said this is Gary wasting more time. Howard played a clip from Gary's book ''They Call Me Baba Booey.'' In the clip Gary talked about how he got into lists.
Howard said that Gary should tune out for the next 10 minutes. He said Gary talked about writing his own lists in the car as songs were playing on WABC. Howard said that's so ridiculous. He said learn to play guitar or piano or something. Howard asked who taught him that. Robin said that's what she was going to ask. Howard said he's acting like he learned chess from someone. He said he learned how to make lists from this DJ. It turns out that it was Gary's brother Steven who got him into doing the list thing.
Gary said maybe it was a way to shut him up in the car. Howard said just wait to get the list. Gary said he couldn't wait. Howard said he guarantees that Steven was just goofing on him worse than they do.
Howard asked if he sent away for the actual list from the radio station. Gary said he did. Howard asked if he took out the same book for his lists. Gary said he did it for a few years. Robin said they didn't mean anything to him and he didn't keep them. Gary said he did put them into the book. Howard asked if he had errors. Gary said he did not. He said he would compare it.
Howard said that he has a feeling that he was a very talkative kid and his brother did this to him to shut him up. Gary said his life was chaos and he thinks this was a way for him to have structure in his life. He said he had no structure or order in his life. Howard said this is like the girl in The Queen's Gambit. He said that she played chess and Gary made lists.
Howard said what a colossal waste of time. Gary said he doesn't think so. Howard asked if he makes grocery lists. Gary said whatever Mary wants he writes down.
Howard took a call from Gary audio book who was running down lists of Baba Booey mentions. Howard hung up on that after just a couple of mentions.
Howard read more fan feedback about Gary and asked if he would do a whole book of lists. Gary said he would. He said he was thinking about doing a list of music that he likes and the book agent said no one would care. Howard said he should make a list of better ways to spend your time than making lists. He said things like staring at a wall, breathing and things like that are better things to do. Gary said how about a list of things that Howard has gotten sick of doing and gave up on. Howard said that's fine.
Howard said that he got a letter saying that this person is reading his book right now an it's the worst thing that's ever happened to her. He said it was signed Merry Clayton.
Gary puppet had some lists that he wanted to run down. Gary said that he has a real list. He said he made a list of good music that was made in the 80s after Robin said that there was no good music then. He had a long list and read it to Howard. Howard said he agrees with that. Gary said he does like the lists. Gary Puppet got back to his list.
Howard said he doesn't know anyone who is into lists as much as Gary is into lists. Gary said he would love to write a book of lists. He said you can make fun of it all you want.
Robin asked what the best songs are to listen to on vinyl. Gary said it's mostly stuff from the 70s. Howard said good answer, thank you. He said he's shocked that anyone is interested in his lists.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a great money making idea for Sirius. He said how about doing a Deep Tracks show where they have a show here Gary plays songs that remind him of his life. Howard said he's not a big fan of Gary's lists. He said he doesn't care.
Howard said there was a lot of controversy about the new host of Jeopardy. Howard said someone suggested Jeff Probst. Robin said he doesn't have that gravitas that Howard mentioned. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said he thinks he might have it. Howard asked Gary if he said he has some beef with Jeff. Gary said he thinks that Jeff was crushed when he was goofing on him a few weeks ago. Gary said they went to his house to watch Survivor and Howard was making fun of that. He said that Jeff was kind of bummed about it but he loves Howard so there's no beef. Howard said he was just saying he has to get over himself. He said he didn't think it was that big of a deal. He said that's kind of a bummer. Robin said now that he's saying this he must be okay. Gary said he was the host of Rock & Roll Jeopardy when he was on. Howard said he thinks he would be good. He said maybe he's voted off the island and won't be invited to his house to watch Survivor. He said he didn't know he was that sensitive. Gary said Jeff loves Howard.
Howard said someone said that Michelle Obama would be a great host. Howard said she's not an announcer. He said he's a big fan of her's but not as a host. Someone suggested Robin. Robin said she wouldn't want that job. Howard said she'd be good. Robin said she loves Jeopardy but she doesn't want to do that.
Howard said someone suggested George Takei or William Shatner. Howard said George would be great but he'd be correcting people on their pronunciation of words. Howard did his George voice and had him correcting people. Howard said that would be fun. He said he'd be a great host.
Howard said he might have to take a break here. He said that he can read more fan mail. He read some stuff about going off on Depeche Mode being in the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame . He said that Madison from Lithium said she agrees with him on most things but not goofing on Depeche Mode. Howard read some of the comments he got about his bashing of the band. Howard said he's just giving his opinion. He said a lot of people did agree with him. He read some of those comments.
Howard said he was just saying they didn't have an impact on him. He said he missed it somehow.
Robin said that Howard said that lead singer shouldn't be running around shirtless but Iggy Pop should stop it too. Howard said that's his thing though. He got in a plug for Gardein and went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he hasn't seen Chelsea Handler in a while. He said she has a new HBO special. He got her on and asked if she has someone doing her hair professionally. Chelsea said no. Howard asked what this room is that she's in. He said the whole room is stacked with thousands of books. He said he imagines that she wants people to think she has read those books. Chelsea said yes. She said this is her bedroom. She said you can see her bed there. She said this is just her bedroom. She said she does read a lot of books because she's not a fucking moron. Howard said being a moron is kind of in vogue right now. Chelsea said it really is.
Howard asked if she has a TV in there. Chelsea said of course. She said it descends from the ceiling. Howard asked if she has done something to herself because she looks amazing. Chelsea said she did meditate this morning. She said she got up at 4:30 and meditated for 30 minutes. She said she tried to curl her hair too. She said she gave up on that.
Howard said he heard that she shaves in the shower like a man. Chelsea said she does. She said if you have a hairy face she'll tell you. She said it's amazing. She said she gets eyebrow razors at CVS that work great. Howard said he heard that if you shave it makes the hair thicker. Chelsea said that's a fallacy. She said that it doesn't get thicker. Chelsea said she has hair on her face and she has to shave it. She said she has other issues going on at her age of 45.
Howard said that when a woman is in her 40s he's read that sexual desire can go away. Chelsea said she's not having sex but she would like to. She said she doesn't have the focus for that. She said that you have to have someone you're into. She said she has someone coming over later tonight. She said it's a first timer. Howard said he's worried about her. He said she's having a guy over who she might have something romantic with. Chelsea said it's tricky. She said she has him coming to her back yard and have a conversation with him. She said they have to get tested. She said she had a guy over who said he doesn't think masks work. She said she sent him home. She said that he's a fucking moron. She said come back when he changes his mind.
Howard asked if the pickings are slim. He said she's a very attractive woman and she owns her own home. He said she's very successful. Chelsea said she owns her own car too. Howard said he sees her as an independent woman. He said here she is all alone. Chelsea said it's interesting that he brought that up. She said that she heard his interview with Andrew Cuomo the other morning. She said that he said that he'd have to quarantine with her for 2 weeks. He said that's the governor's reaction to someone saying she has a crush on him. She said that was a one night offer. She said that's not how quarantine even works. She said she'd have to quarantine alone and then see him. She said he should know better. Chelsea said what he should have said was that he as honored.
Howard said he agrees with her on that. He said that she did say that she saw Cuomo on TV and that's a guy she'd be interested in. Howard said you can be rejected over something like that. Chelsea said she did put herself out there. She said that it's not easy for her to do that. She said that you have to be able to put yourself out there. She said that's the lesson she was trying to give.
Howard said he has never had a woman say that she had a crush on him in public. He said if a woman is bold enough to do that it tends to scare guys. Chelsea said Cuomo was able to handle the pandemic better than the president but even she scares him. Robin said she thinks that Andrew was saying that someone out of state has to quarantine and he would have felt like he had to take care of her for those two weeks. Chelsea said don't defend him. She said that Howard also said that she's the kind of woman who will go around talking about you if you go out with her. She said if you're not an asshole she won't talk about you. She said if you're not a dick she's going to respect you. She said she will only disrespect you if you're an asshole like Ted Harbert.
Howard asked Chelsea to give a list of the famous men she's had sex with but they were good guys. Chelsea said she can't do it. Not after what she just said. Howard said how unfortunate.
Howard said imagine the book she could write. Chelsea said it's not that interesting actually. She said that if she can't find it interesting then it's hard to make it interesting for other people. Howard asked if she has been with guys who you have a fantasy about and then it's a disappointment. Chelsea said yes. She said the most disappointing thing with men is when a man is very insecure or self conscious. She said that everyone has that to a point. She said it can be hard to watch someone else work through that first impression.
Howard asked if these guys compare their careers to her's. Chelsea said no. She said she's never gone down that road far enough. She said that she had a guy over who wanted to watch the show he was on and they watched two episodes together. She said she would never do that to someone with her special.
Howard said that's a dopey move. He said that he'd never make someone listen to his radio show. He said that's the classic blunder. Chelsea said that Dr. Phil would have his wife there on his show in the front row. She said imagine if Beth was sitting behind him.
Chelsea said she's going to light up this joint. Howard asked what her choice of pot is. She said she likes joints. She said she can do edibles. Chelsea said it helps her sleep. She said this last 2 weeks she needed this. Chelsea said that she felt like her captor had left her at the dock and her parents weren't there to pick her up yet.
Howard said the thing he loved about pot was the communal aspect of it. He said the ritual of it too. He said the rolling and smoking the joint was great. He said he hated the high. He said it made him paranoid. He asked if you're also fucking up your lungs. Chelsea said you are. She said she won't tell anyone to smoke. She said it's dangerous to ingest anything into your lungs. Chelsea said you can micro dose now. She said they have drinks you can try and Howard would be fine with that. She said she sent some stuff to Ellen. She said she told her that Portia likes them but Ellen doesn't.
Howard asked if he would get a high from the micro dose. Chelsea said that it's just to stand on the edges. She said it's almost an imperceptible high. She said sometimes you need to not feel it to feel it if you know what she means.
Howard said he watched her HBO special and she talks to someone in the audience about how she can tell what they'd thrive on. Chelsea said she's an intuit and she knows what Howard can handle and what Robin can handle. Howard said Robin can handle Ayahuasca and he can't handle much of anything. He said he's tried many drugs in his life. Chelsea talked about taking quaaludes and they were left over from the 70s. She said that Mary McCormack was there and she looked over at her and saw her not moving. She said that Mary told her to sit down for the rest of the party. Howard asked if they made her super horny. Chelsea said not at all.
Howard said he started to take them in college and he would fuck people who didn't even look human. He said they were all disgusted by one another. He said that it made him horny. Chelsea said she gets horny from Molly. She said she'd like to feel that kind of horny. She said everything has become so unappealing.
Howard said take a quaaludes and see what happens. He said he's surprised she didn't fall asleep. She said that it is like a horse tranquilizer.
Howard asked what kind of drug he should take. Chelsea said just a red wine. She said things are too complicated already. She said she likes the hallucinogenic kind of thing. She said she doesn't have a ton of life experience. She has a really open mind when she takes those things. She said she can be wiser from that kind of experience.
Howard asked if she has a certain type of weed she likes. Chelsea said she does but it's just whatever's around that she'll use. Howard asked if she's a wake and bake kind of person. Chelsea said she wouldn't get any work done if she smoked that much. She said she has a trainer she has to work out with and she has to smoke before getting there. She said she smokes on the way over.
Howard asked about how it gets her going to work out. He said you'd think that would slow her down. Chelsea said for her it works. She said it gets her into it.
Howard said that Chelsea has gotten into some shape. He said she's really been working out. He said she looks fantastic. Chelsea said she's finally showing off her body because she has the body she always wanted. She said she feels really strong. She said everyone is naked on the internet and everyone freaks out when you show a nipple on the internet. She said it's so sexist and pointless at this point. Howard said that everyone gets angry with her nudity. He said he's not sure what it is. He said he likes it. Chelsea said maybe they're mad that she's so cute.
Howard said she comes out in a white jump suit in her HBO special. He said he turned to his wife and told her to look at how good she looks. He said she looks hot in the HBO special.
Howard asked Chelsea if she walks around looking in the mirror all the time and trying on outfits. Chelsea said she doesn't think that much about it. Howard said she always had on sexy shoes and things on her TV show. He said she always had on high heels and things. He said he saw what was going on there.
Howard said he was thinking about her and her E! show. He said he think that was a terrific format for her. He said it was a great place for her. He said he believes that she must think that she should have enjoyed it more. He said it was a good venue for her. He said she was a great late night host and there aren't any other women who have been that successful there. He said that she must think that she should have stuck with it. Chelsea said no because there was no evolution there. She said that's kind of insulting. Chelsea said he did enjoy the process of making that show. She said that they would laugh their asses off working there. She said she just outgrew it.
Howard said he looks back on what he did at WNBC and how he could have had a good time there if he had found a way to make it work. He said he doesn't mean it as an insult. He said there was something magical about that late night show. He said that's the way he looks at it. He said she could have explored more. Chelsea said she just felt like she had outgrown it. She said she gets what he's saying. Chelsea said that her work has had a high level of integrity. She said that she's working at a higher frequency than she was there. She said she puts a lot more thought into her work now. She said she was self absorbed and it was all about her at E! She said that's not the way to operate. She said she had to get herself into a better head space.
Howard asked if she watches late night TV. Chelsea said not really. She said she will watch some clips. She said she goes to sleep to Brian Williams.
Howard asked what her angst about the show was. Chelsea said it was the gossiping about celebrities. She said it felt mean. She said it was a good gig for 8 years. She said it's also a pain in the ass to run a show. She said you have to deal with publicists and celebrities who won't go on before other people and all of that.
Howard said this comes up with him because he knows that this show is his security blanket and he's trying to figure out how someone can walk away from something so successful. He said Rosie O'Donnell is another one. He said he's not sure how to walk away from something so big. Chelsea said that it's your personality type. She said that if you're based in fear then you might over think things when she doesn't do that. She said she's not looking in the rearview mirror at what she did. She said we could all work harder at our shortcomings. She said we're all just as crazy as everyone else.
Howard said he has his father's voice in his head telling him he has this successful thing going on and he's getting paid well. He said he's telling him not to leave. He said when someone like Chelsea leaves her show and moves on he admires that. He said she's able to know herself well enough to do that. He said that takes a bravery. He said that's not a put down. He said he wishes he had a little of that. Chelsea said thanks for that. She said it's not like she doesn't have fear. She said she had to just do something else. She said your relevancy changes. She said she did 8 years of that show and 2 years of the Netflix show. She said her whole identity was her job.
Howard asked if Chelsea had a shitty guest on her show would she let it ruin it for her. Chelsea said that a shitty guest is someone who isn't open and is very guarded. She said you just have to be guarded and you're a shitty guest. Howard asked if that would ruin her day if she had someone on like that. Chelsea said that she would just think that person is a loser and she'd move on. She didn't care. Howard said that's so healthy.
Chelsea said she probably sounds a lot healthier than she is. She said she has issues. Howard asked if that's because of her relationship with her dad. Chelsea said that he's dead now so they're getting along great now. She said her sister called her and she was out campaigning in 2018. She said she got the news and she let out a sigh. She said she had no feelings about that. She said her sister said she wasn't crying but she was trying to. Chelsea said that she couldn't cry either. She said that there was no issue there and he just wasn't a great guy. She said her brother died and he sued people over it and he got wrapped up in death and never got over it. She said that it was unfortunate but he was a bummer as a father. She said he kind of ditched her as a father.
Howard said in her special she talks about this therapist Dan. She said he's a psychologist or a psycho therapist. Howard said he thinks you have to go to psychiatrists because they went to medical school. He said he gets nervous about who he goes to. He said he would imagine when she went it was about working out her issues with her father. Chelsea said it was about Donald Trump being elected. She said she'd turn into an amazing cunt machine. She said she'd go over to the FOX news watchers and go off on them. She said that she was at that level of outrage. She said she went to this guy Dan and she was full of rage. She said it was all about Donald Trump and she wasn't able to sleep. She said he couldn't believe he was president.
Howard said this guy Dan he feels like maybe she's not taking her therapy seriously. He said she has him on TV with her and talking about her therapy. He said that is her trying to give him a gift. He said she's trying to seduce her therapist and trying to get him to love her more than everyone else. He said that's a problem. He said Dan should say to her that he doesn't need her to put him on TV. Chelsea said he raises a good point. She said that she was writing her book and she talked to him about that 2 years ago or whenever that was. She said that she wanted to use his name in the book and he had to think about it. Chelsea said that he is well known already and he's written a bunch of books. She said she hasn't done TV with him so she has to correct Howard about that. She said she did a conference with him and he agreed to do that. She said Howard's point is a valid thing.
Howard said that he feels that she was testing Dan with that. He said that may have been a pivotal moment in her therapy. He said he would have loved it if Dan had said to her that he didn't have to be in her book. He said he's just putting it out there.
Chelsea said she does over share. She said that's just what she does. She said she shares the good, the bad and the ugly. She said she's very open about it all. She said people have a stigma about therapy. She said that she's struggling too and people can see that and maybe they can get help.
Howard said he has seen a lot of this going on with celebrities and their therapists. He said that he saw someone getting a Mark Twain award and the guy's therapist came out with him. He said he didn't think that was the way things are supposed to go.
Chelsea said she thinks it depends on the person. She said it's up to them if they want to do that. Howard said he does admire that she was in therapy and she recommends it for others. He said he thinks it worked for her. Chelsea said she has to practice not being a cunt. She said she has to meditate and all of that. She said it's not easy for her. Chelsea said she has to do exercises to not be a baby. She said she has to thin about the person's parents if they're being an asshole.
Howard said it seems like things are working for her with therapy. Robin asked if she's still in therapy. Chelsea said she didn't see him for a while when she was on the East Coast for a few months. She said she went back to him and she figured that it wasn't necessary right now. She said you have to take what you learn and carry it with you.
Howard asked how much of that weed she's ''smoken'' so far. Chelsea laughed and asked if he just said ''smoken.'' She said she only had two hits off of it. Howard said he could never hold it together after doing that much. He said that he is very impressed by that. He said he'd be a mess. Chelsea said that's very nice of him.
Howard asked if Chelsea goes on shows and smokes before going on. Chelsea said no. She said on Ellen you can't. She said she likes to be sober for Ellen. Howard said with this show you can be high. Chelsea said this show is more loose than Ellen's show. She said this is an hour.
Howard asked how she prepares for a stand up special during a COVID crisis. He said he heard that she went to a club and did 20 shows or something. Chelsea said that she did 10 shows going through stories and stuff. She said she wanted to do it after 10 shows. Chelsea said she booked a bunch of theater dates and did some stand up shows. She said her whole team told her to do that because that's where they money comes from. She said the more people who tell her to do that the less she's going to want to do it. Chelsea said that she hadn't done stand up in 6 years. She said she had to do small places. She said she did those dates and it was great and then she figured she had it. She said she went on tour and did 40 cities all together. She said then COVID hit and she was going to do 20 more. She said she took a family vacation and then went to Rhode Island and did like 6 shows there and then did some shows at the Stress Factory and did like 15 shows there. She said that was like 8 nights in a row. She said then she did the special.
Howard said he would think going to a club to work things out must be weird. Chelsea said it was weird and scary for her going to small clubs. She said the bigger clubs weren't as scary. She said that it was just a matter of her walking out and doing stand up. She said she knew what she was doing but it was humbling to go back to stand up. She said it was very strange to do her stand up in front of 30 people who were socially distanced. She said it was like doing a show in a strip club at the Stress Factory. She said she's sorry to the owner of the club that's what it felt like. She said the first 10 shows were hard there. Howard said it has to be humbling. He said she's in a little club and telling the story of her life and bombing. He said it has to be humiliating. Chelsea said she let it get in her head. She said she was a little bit off her rocker. She said that made her speed through her story and she had to slow herself down in her head. Chelsea said you have to struggle to make it big and that was a struggle for her.
Howard said Jerry Seinfeld did a special where he filmed this new act he was working on from the start. He said he tanked in that first show he did. Howard said that's the ting that blows his mind about stand up. He said being out there and having people staring at you is tough. He said you have to be tough and have a tough mind to get through it.
Chelsea said you do have to be tough. She said you are putting yourself out there. She said you wonder if people are going to roll their eyes at you. She said she thinks that you do get rewarded if you go out there and do that.
Howard said her special is airing on HBO Max now. He said in the special she talks about how white guys think that her vagina might be stretched out from dating black guys. Chelsea said that's not what she said at all. She said that white guys think she only dates black men. She said that's totally not true. She said that would explain why men are so afraid to approach her. She said she did say that beavers retract. Howard said when she says that it means that the white guys might think she's stretched out. He said he's not making this up. Howard asked if she likes that word beaver. She said she doesn't usually call it that but it's a funny word. Howard said he's never heard a woman call it that. He said he thinks she's in a whole other universe with that word.
Chelsea said she loved that Howard asked Cuomo about his dad the other day. She said no one asks him about anything but COVID. Howard said maybe some day they'll get together. Chelsea said she thinks that ship has passed. She said that he's not the kind of guy who wants to be with a woman like her. She said that he's going to want a woman to just hang out and be governed. She said that kind of turned her on to him. She said she has seen pictures of the governor's mansion and it looks tragic. She said she wouldn't be able to last there. Howard said she could redecorate that place. He said maybe it should happen. He said he was thinking maybe Robin for Andrew Cuomo. Robin said she's not right for him. Chelsea said she can't believe that Robin doesn't have a man. She said she has friends who are loud and proud and they don't have men either. She said there are others who do have husbands though.
Howard quoted the line in her special where Chelsea talks about the beaver retracting. He said he was assuming that white men are afraid that the vagina is stretched from the black man's penis and they're afraid of that. Chelsea said she has been told that by white men. Howard said he has been with women who have been with black men and other races than the white race and he was not hung up on that. Chelsea laughed and said ''okay...'' Howard said do your kegels and you'll be fine. Chelsea said there it is.
Howard said he has HBO Max and they have some good programming on it. Chelsea said that they do. Robin said she's still trying to figure out how to get it.
Howard asked Chelsea how she knows Dave Chappelle. He said he knows that she went out and did one of his show in Ohio. Chelsea said she met him years ago. She said that she heard him talking about how he won't come on the show and she thinks it's just because it's too early. She said he doesn't get up until it's late.
Howard asked how she ended up as one of the comics at his show. Chelsea said that she was driving across country with some friends and she sopped there and did a set. She said it was really fun. She said Dave has created a whole city down there. She said you get tested when you get there and you get a bracelet and everyone there is able to mingle. She said they have a bar set up like a disco from the 70s. She said it's so much fun. She said she had to get the fuck out of there because she can't operate like that anymore. She said it's so much fun.
Howard asked if everyone gets wasted. Chelsea said grey do. She said Michelle Wolf and Allie Wong were there. She said it was a great group of people. Howard asked if Chappelle puts her up for the night or what. She said he has a house and a guest house. She said she has her dogs with her and she stayed in Dave's house. She said she stayed in the guest house and did her set and left in the morning. She said she was there for like 24 hours. Chelsea said there's a group of comics who have moved there just because they have this place they can perform. She said 450 people drive in for it. She said it's great.
Howard said that Chelsea is saying that it was too much to spend more than a day there. He asked what she was doing. She said she had a herniated disc and she had to take it easy. She said she didn't want to get all fucked up. She said she was there until 2:30 in the morning or so. She said Dave's wife was amazing too. She said they have this Comedian Haven there in Ohio and it's like a little city. She said everyone goes and Dave can get anyone to show up.
Howard said in the special she talks about the sexual harassment training at Netflix. She talks about slapping someone on the ass when she was doing her show there at Netflix and this woman didn't like her doing that. Chelsea said she wasn't trying to sleep with this woman so she's not sure why it was sexual harassment. Chelsea said that the woman said you have no right to touch her at all. She said she remembers telling her psychiatrist Dan about it and he told her that you're not allowed to touch anyone like that. She said she had no idea. She said she would grab boobs when she would greet someone. She said it's a confusing time for a lot of people.
Howard said Chelsea said she'll grab her sister's vagina to greet her. Chelsea said that she would but it's not so acceptable thee days.
Howard asked what she would do with Andrew Cuomo if they were together. Chelsea asked if grey think that he'd be into her. She said that she's all for the privacy if they can get together. Howard said they have to figure out how to fly her into Albany. Chelsea that wouldn't be so hard to figure out. She asked if he's stamina wise up for it. Howard said he thinks so. He said he grew up in New York and he knows how to fuck. He said once he gets her in there she can give him the goods off the air.
Howard asked what her fantasy would be with him. Chelsea said that it was in the moment she said that. She said that he was coming in to rescue them and she was thinking about anything. She said she wanted to flatten his curve and he could flatten her curve. She said that she thought about things they could do with each other online. She said then he had to ruin it by saying that he didn't want to be around her for 14 days. Howard said he would love to be around her for 14 days. He said he'd like to flatten her curve too.
Howard said he imagines that she was very desired in high school. Chelsea said she was never even around school. She said she had an older boyfriend in the city and she was always with him. She said in high school she was like a 35 year old woman. She said she made the last 2 years of school up in an alternative school. She said she had to make it up because she missed so much. She said she didn't take anything seriously. She said she took the SATs on acid. Howard said she talked about that in the special too.
Howard asked if she looks up the guy she dated on Facebook. He said he looks people up to see how they've aged. Chelsea said she doesn't do that. She said they spread misinformation and they're responsible for murder and white supremacy to spread. She said everyone should say fuck Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg. She talked about the conspiracy theories that they have let spread on there.
Howard said that Trump is now saying that the election was fake and rigged. He said that he's been saying that for 4 years and he knew it would be rigged if he lost. Howard said Chelsea must want to be back in therapy. Howard asked what's going to happen if he doesn't leave. Chelsea said he will leave. She said that he can't just stay in office. She said he's a big, fat fucking baby. She said she's not worried about it at all. Howard said that she said that Biden should arrest Trump. He said he thinks she tweeted that. Chelsea said she doesn't think she said that. Howard said he thought she did.
Howard said he's looking around her bedroom and wondering what she does with that mirror. She said that's glass going out to her balcony. She said there isn't a mirror in there. Howard asked what he knows. He asked if she keeps that open while she has sex. Chelsea said she doesn't have sex so it doesn't matter.
Howard said he's not sure when they had her on last but it was good talking to her. He said her special ''Evolution'' is on HBO Max. He said she can be heard on Netflix is a Joke Radio on SiriusXM.
Howard asked what she's going to do today. Chelsea said she has an interview this afternoon. Howard wished her luck with the special and with Andrew Cuomo.
Howard asked if Chelsea has anything to tell this audience before they go. Chelsea said remain calm and optimistic with everything. She said keep your attitude high and try to lift yourself out of it. She said it's better if we all remain high and full of positive vibes.
Howard told Chelsea to be careful with her date tonight. He said they're going to get together and figure out if they should test and get together. Howard said she must have someone coming in to clean her house. Chelsea said she does but she's very careful. She said everyone wears a mask at her house. She said she's been fine so far. She said she had a good time today. Howard said he did too. He let her go after that. Howard said that she could still get together with Cuomo.
Howard asked if he likes to sniff a woman's butt. Bill said if a woman gets on all fours then you can do a lot of things to them. He said he enjoys giving pleasure before pleasure is given to him. Howard said he and Ronnie's dog have a lot in common with the ass smelling thing.
Bill was going on and on about something that Robin and Howard had no clue about. Bill said the last time he had a woman was 2 years ago and it's a little harder now to get a woman. He said he'll have to wait until next year to get a woman. Howard said he hopes Bill takes care of himself during this pandemic.
Bill told Howard about the amount of Metamucil he has been taking and how much he's shitting from it. He said he shits in a bed pan and he puts it on a plastic thing. He said he sent the picture to Richard. Howard said it's a bad idea to send pictures of your bowel movements. He said he's never heard of someone taking 3 doses of Metamucil. He said he's taking 2 pound dumps.
Howard asked Richard why he never shared his pictures of his dump. Richard said that he and Will knew that it was best not to show it. He said Howard wouldn't be able to eat again if he saw it. He said it was all wet and disgusting.
Howard said he must feel great after a dump like that. Bill said that he does. He said he goes every other day. He said he also drinks 10 glasses of oatmeal every week. Bill said he drinks the oatmeal every other day. He said he has 3 glasses every other day. Robin asked why he's putting it in water. Bill said he has it with milk. He said he has three extra glasses. Robin said she has no idea what he's talking about. Howard did his impression of Bill talking about that. He said he's never going to get Robin in bed if he shares those pictures of his dumps.
Howard asked if this woman comes in and gets rid of his doody. Bill said he has to do it in the commode chair. He said that he asks to take a picture of it to send to Howard. He said they're both into Metamucil so he thought he'd be interested in seeing the output.
Howard said he's into Metamucil but he's not interested in seeing what happens with others. He said Jimmy Kimmel sends him pictures of his breakfast and he has to stop it. He said he doesn't care about bowel movements or breakfast. He said people's first thoughts are to send him pictures.
Bill said he was proud of those dumps so that's why he took the pictures. Howard said he knows what that's like. He asked what he does with the dumps. Bill said they put it in the incinerator in the building. Howard said for those who are going to career day this is what you could be doing for someone. He asked what this woman does. Bill said she's a Home Aide. Howard said he's making him look bad to this woman because she thinks that he has some fetish with shit.
Howard asked Bill why he can't wipe his own ass. Bill said he has to sit on a commode chair and he can't reach around himself. He said that's what he needs help with.
Howard asked if the woman is there 24 hours a day. Bill said he has a schedule where she comes 4 hours in the morning and leaves. He said it's only 4 hours. He said that his body knows when to go. Howard said this is crazy. He said sometimes the body just has to go and you can't go on schedule all the time. Bill said it has happened a few times when he had to go and she had to rush over and get him into that chair.
Howard asked how far away this woman lives. Bill said she's about 10 minutes away. Howard said he doesn't get how he hold it for that amount of time that she has to drive over. He said it has to be a good half hour. He said that he says 10 minutes. He said you can't wait a half hour to take a dump. Bill said your body knows. He said that he might eat lunch and he might have to go an hour and a half later. He said he asks her to come over because he's ready to go. He said she comes and he's able to wait for her.
Howard said it would be great if they interviewed this woman and they find out she has a bat pole and she has to jump in her car to get there in a rush. Bill said that she lives on the fourth floor so she has to get down from there.
Bill talked about using a spray to get rid of the smell. Howard said those sprays are worse than the smell of shit. He said the mix of the two is really disgusting.
Howard asked if Bill keeps it professional or does he hit on her. Bill said he keeps it professional. Howard asked if she knows he's a celebrity. Bill said he doesn't tell people about it. He said if they listen and hear him then he'll tell them. He said he has invited her to events that he's been to. He said that they know from that.
Howard took a call from a fake guy from Metamucil. He said they want a picture of this shit so they can get their stock to skyrocket. He said they want to put up a big billboard with it on there. Howard said they have the picture so they can pass it along.
Howard asked if he should look at the picture. Robin said not her. Howard said he claims it's 5 times the size of his fist. He said he really doesn't want to see it. He said he has to draw a line. Richard said that he's in luck because he thinks grey erased every history of that picture. He said he thinks grey all didn't want to see it.
Howard asked Bill if the woman comes in the room does she take the shit out first or wipe him first. Bill said she wipes because she throws the paper in there with the shit to incinerate.
Howard said the room must smell. Bill said she wears a mask with COVID. Howard said the smell still gets through. Howard said the smell has to be in the room. Bill said he's on the chair the whole time. Howard asked if she blows water up his ass. Bill said they get into the shower and she soaps him up and washes him.
Howard said that she must be wiping him down at some point. Robin said she does use something to wash down his ass. Robin said she must lean him forward somehow. Howard asked how. Bill said she pulls the bedpan out and his ass cheeks are exposed. He said she wipes him with this thing called a chuck. He said she throws it all in the incinerator and then he takes a shower.
Howard asked what that woman gets paid because she must make like 17 million a year. Bill said he thinks it's $12 an hour. He said she works about 70 hours a week. Howard said she must have been Hitler in a past life.
Howard took a call from a guy who said nowhere else can you go from listening to Chelsea Handler to hearing how Ham Hands Bill gets his ass wiped.
The caller asked how much this whole thing weighs on his next contract since he'd be working at home. Howard said it has made it easier for him. He said that he doesn't miss the traveling and getting to work. He said it took up a lot of his day. He said if he does retire then who is going to ask Ham Hands Bill how he gets his ass wiped.
The caller asked if they could play that bit where Bill Nelson and Pat Cooper are arguing. Howard said that would take some looking to find that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to be critical about one thing. Howard asked why he has to be critical. The caller said a lot of times when Wendy the Slow Adult calls in they do this back and forth and shitting in her diaper and it's kind of lame at this point. Howard said he'll have to stop that immediately then. He wrote that down. The caller said that it's just kind of old. He said he likes the shit talk just not the Wendy thing. Howard said that's the kind of feedback he needs.
Howard got back to Bill and talked more about the shitting thing and this woman who works for him. Howard said that woman is a saint. Robin said they are blessed that she exists. Richard said that she's spending Thanksgiving with him. Bill said she will be there that day.
Howard asked if she has ever gotten shit on her fingers. Bill said she wears gloves. He said she has been with him for 6 years plus. He said her name is Marina. He said he has others who help him too. Howard said for $12 an hour he might hire her to wipe him. Howard said being famous he has been able to get other people to do things for him so he might have to get someone to wipe him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that they can never stop talking to Wendy about shit. She said she never gets tired of that. Howard wrote that down too. Richard said he votes for shit talk too.
Howard said the reason he's been successful is because he listens to what all the listeners tell him to do. He said he's in a state of confusion right now on what to do with Wendy.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that they have one month, 16 hours and 22 minutes left of his contract. She mentioned a bunch of things that in that call. Robin said she was going to mention this Martha Stewart thing that Mariann brought up. She said that Martha has come out with marijuana edibles. Howard said he did read about Chelsea coming out with a line of marijuana stuff. Robin said Martha has done it. Howard said that prison really changed her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he dealt with the same thing as Bill. He said he had to wipe his cousin down every night. Howard said there you go. He thanked him for sharing that.
Howard said that Sal had a story about how he had to go help his grandfather pee. He said his grandfather peed all over his hand. Howard asked Sal if that's the story. Sal said he did have to hold his penis and he had to stand him up on his walker and he had to pull it out and let him pee into a jar. He said it felt like warm scrambled eggs. He said he had to peel it back and then pull it out.
Howard asked why his old man made him do that. Sal said his father was helping him pee and never told him.
Howard said he would have ended the show by now but this was very important. Richard said they found this shit pic. Howard said he doesn't think he wants to see it. Richard said it took a long search to find it. He said it was buried in an email somewhere. Howard asked if they want to see it. Robin said they should take one quick look.
Howard said he's going to keep one eye open. He said this is the picture that Bill sent of his Metamucil shit. Howard and Robin both let out a burst of ''Oh!'' when they saw it. Howard said that's a lot. Sal said it looks like an elephant shit. Richard said it's like a pile of horse shit in the middle of a parade.
Howard said the color was red. Richard said it's a weird color. Bill said it was good to look at.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she would like to thank him for this moving tribute to the veterans today. Howard said if they're out there laughing then he's doing his job. Howard thanked all of our veterans out there.
Robin said she's going to throw up. Howard asked why she agreed to look at it. Robin said he made her do it. Richard said he had no warning at all when he got it. He said it was just an email with a shit picture in it. Howard said how about giving the guy a warning. Bill said he didn't think it was a big deal.
Howard said it's getting late. He said if Bobo is listening this is how you make a great call. Richard said don't send them a picture of his shit though.
Howard let Bill go and thanked him for sending the picture of his shit. He said Ham Hands wanted to share his Metamucil shit. He thanked him for that. Bill told Howard about how he had to stand up one time but Howard said they've had enough of this. He said half the time you don't know what he's talking about.
Howard said they only have a few shows left before the end of the year. He said next Monday they will have Wolfgang Van Halen on the show. He said he's going to debut something new on the show on Monday and he's looking forward to that. He said Sarah Silverman will be on Tuesday and on Wednesday they will have Elton John with them. He said he has 700 pages of notes about him so that will be something.
Richard said that Wolfgang had tweeted something about his dad and it really hit him hard. He told Howard what it was like and he started to break up talking about it. Howard said they'll talk to him next week about that. Howard ended the show around 11:20am.