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Howard started the show talking about how they've been away for a week and this is a live show. He said there was a rumor going on that said the show was ending. He said that's not true. He said it was on every news cast that the show had ended and that's not true. He said they're all there. He asked Fred how he's doing. Fred said he's good. Howard said that's enough from him. Fred played a clip of JD saying he doesn't need this hassle. Howard said he had a talk with JD this morning. He said he told him that Richard invited JD to a Swedish death metal concert. He said JD doesn't speed clearly so he didn't know what he said. He said according to Richard at the concerts the audience gets into a slave ship looking thing and they make you row. He said they do it at the concert. He said Richard wanted to get JD into that to simulate rowing a boat. He said imagine how long it took. He asked JD if he misunderstood. JD said he's basically right.
JD said they have cool visuals on stage so he wanted to go see the concert with Richard and he was going to go but then he didn't agree to all of the stuff he had to do. Howard asked him to tell that story again until they understand it. JD said there is a band called Amon Amarth. Howard asked him to say that like 20 times. JD said the name again. Fred did his impression of JD with the JD Puppet. Howard asked JD Puppet what he was saying. Fred did the impression of JD mumbling.
Howard asked JD if people ask him what he said over and over. JD said sometimes they do. He said he gives up at some point. Howard said JD sounds like the Swedish chef when he's talking about this. He did his impression of JD speaking like the Swedish chef.
Howard asked JD to explain again what happened. JD went into the story and told him about how he doesn't want to row the boat. He said he hasn't gone to the concert yet. He said it's coming up. He said the audience sits on the floor and pretends to row. He said if that's the worst thing then he's fine. He said he hates mosh pits so he doesn't want to be in that. Howard said he hates metal concerts because of the mosh pit.
Howard said Brent's wife got into it in a mosh pit at a concert. Richard came in and said that was at a Meshuggah concert. Howard said that's Yiddish. Richard said they're from Sweden though. Howard said that is Yiddish and he doesn't care where they're from.
Richard said that the boat is on stage in the concert and the crowd pretends to row. He said it looks cool as hell. Fred played some of Amon Amarth's stuff and Richard said this is the coolest song. He said he loves this. Howard asked why he wants to get JD on the floor rowing. Richard said it's a communal thing.
Howard listened to the song a bit and asked if JD really wants to go to the concert. JD said he's not sure if he'll be able to take a whole concert of that but he likes their stuff. Howard listened to the song more and said he thinks he can sing like that. Richard said he doesn't think he can. He said he'll go hoarse if he does it. Howard asked if he's going to wear a diaper to the concert. Richard said he will. He said he loves every one of their songs. Howard asked if JD is going to wear a diaper. JD said no he won't. Richard said he can just piss his pants then. Howard said you don't want to miss any of these songs.
Howard said he knows he could sing like this. He said they put something on his voice. Richard said they don't. He said he's seen how difficult it is to sing like that. Howard said he could do it. He said he has to video JD at this concert. Richard said he will. He said he'll be winded from rowing.
Howard said he's going to write a song called ''Me Tarzan, You Jane.'' He made up the song as he was talking about it. He sang it like the Amon Amarth guy. Howard said he can do this. He said don't steal his song. He kept going with that.
Howard asked if they play this on Sirius. Richard said they do. He said this band is huge. He said he thinks their album cracked the top 20 of album sales. Howard said JD is going to the show. He asked JD what he's going to wear. JD said he'll wear jeans and a t-shirt. Howard asked where they're playing. Richard said at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Richard said they just saw them at an amphitheater. He said there were like 10,000 people there. Howard said it's 10,000 shit heads. Richard said this song fucking rules too. Fred was playing another one of their songs. Howard asked if that's where Brent's wife got the gash over her eye. Richard said that was at the Meshuggah concert. He said people aren't there to fight though. He said elbows get thrown but not in a fighting way. He said you just run into them.
Howard asked Brent what happened there. Brent said they were down in Tampa over the weekend and they went to a concert and she ran into a guy's elbow and now she has a gash over her eye. He said you can't get upset when that happens. He said her head was gashing blood. He said he bandaged her up and she went back in there.
Howard asked if this is the swinging weekend. Brent said that's coming up but they may have to postpone it because of this gash. He said what's crazy about Richard is that he has to leave early because of the baby. Richard said it's the hours they work too. Fred did his impression of Richard talking about how he has to go home.
Howard said these two fuckers are crazy. He asked if Katelyn will turn guys off with her eye injury. Brent said he doesn't think that will do it. He said he wants to make sure she's completely healed. He said there are a lot of activities they get into so he wants to make sure she's healed up. Howard said she should wear an eye patch or something. He said she can be the unknown swinger. Brent said she looks like she was in a boxing match. Howard said she could wear a bag over her head and be the unknown swinger. He said that would be awesome.
Howard asked Brent if they did any fucking over the weekend. Brent said just with each other. He said they didn't do any swinging. He said they were invited back to the orgy party again tough. He said they do that monthly. Howard said they should get some good stories out of that. He said he can't wait for the JD stories from the concert. Brent said he's going to that one too.
Howard said he heard Richard is going back home to Kansas. Richard said he's doing a charity thing out there. He said that he's one of the celebrities. Howard asked who is going to be there. Richard said there are a bunch of big names like Paul Rudd, Jason Sudeikis and Eric Stonestreet. He said Eric invited him since he's from Kansas. Howard said they have Olivia Wilde there too. Howard read the names like Al Roker, Jake Tapper, James Van Der Beek and others. Howard said Richard is a big celebrity. Richard said his parents are coming to the Royals game too. He said it's going to be amazing playing softball there.
Howard wrapped up with Richard and asked if he'll get drunk at the celebrity game. Richard said he wants to be kind of good at it so he won't. Howard said people will be talking about the guy who shits his pants on the Howard Stern Show. Robin said maybe he'll have an accident out here like he does on the show.
Robin said the headlines out of that were about him diagnosing President Trump. Howard said all he said was that he would benefit from psychotherapy. He said they made it like he was saying he has to get it. Howard said he was out yesterday and a guy drove by and said he just bought the book and showed it to him out the window. He said that was hard to believe.
Howard said he heard that Bill Clinton liked the book. He played a clip that the guys edited to make Bill sound like he had read the book and he liked it. They had Bill saying all kinds of wacky stuff.
Howard said he was woozy from book promotion. He said Anderson Cooper was the last thing he did. He said then he flew down to Florida to decompress. He said he figured he was going to do promotion until the last week in May. He said he had it all planned out and even had some stuff in June. He said he thinks he fizzled out and had enough. He said he didn't bail on anything. He said he had just done enough. Robin said she heard a lot of people talking about how they saw him in a lot of places. Howard said it is easy to get the word out to the fans but he was trying to reach people who don't listen.
Howard said he had someone say to him that they got the book after seeing him in an interview. He said that was enough for him. He said he did his market research by hearing that.
Howard said he got out of his car to see his daughter and a guy started yelling his name. He said he started laughing and he figured he was done with the market research. Howard said his daughter told him to just get back in the car.
Howard said his agent told him that if there's something that grabs him he can do it but now it's just up to people to spread the word about the book.
Robins said she was giving the book to people as a thank you. She said she handed it to one of the people and they said they saw him on something and then they asked if it was any good. Robin said she wouldn't give them garbage.
Howard said they were talking about pushing the book for Father's day but he's not going out to do that. He said Father's day is on the 16th.
Howard said the guys made a phony phone call. He said he should take a break and get to that and more. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said he was super fucking relaxed during vacation. He said when he was done with Anderson Cooper he went off to Florida. He said he did the Conan podcast and that got a million downloads pretty quickly. He said he isn't sure what that means. He said they said it takes a long time to get up to those numbers but it happened quickly this time.
Howard said he went to Florida and he likes where he lives down there. He said he goes down and he has his spread and he just sits there. Robin asked if he has to get a rub and tug. Howard said he joked about that with Beth. He said Jupiter is about a half hour from his place and he joked about going to a nail salon down there that he heard about.
Howard said some comedian said something about Robert Kraft going to the rub and tug. He said it was Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock. Gary told him it was Adam Carolla on their show. Howard said he doesn't retain anything. Robin said she knew it too and didn't know it was Adam.
Howard said his wife talked to the guy who put in their Sirius radio. He said they have it go right to Howard 100 and he didn't want that. He said he wants to put on the last station he listened to. He said he wants Lithium or something. He said Beth wants it to have Howard 100 come up every time. He said he doesn't want that. He said he gets bummed out listening to the show sometimes. He said he might hear something he didn't think he did a good job with. Howard said he's going to switch it back. He said he's not sure how she did it but they had it set up. Howard said she listens to everything and then says she didn't listen to the show.
Howard said Florida was nice. He said it was like 81 every day and they would go for a walk. He said he'd check the weather up there in New York and it was like 79. He said they get back there and it doesn't feel like that. He said they came back on Tuesday and it was raining and 60 something. He said it's all propaganda there in New York.
Howard said his wife got him a grapefruit tree and they stuck it outside. He said it's in a giant pot. He said he'd go for a walk and go to the tree and pick a grapefruit off the tree. Robin asked how big they are. Howard said they're like the size of one of Robin's titties. He said they're huge.
Howard said he loves discussing titties. He said he and his wife were talking and he was thinking about getting back into running. He said Beth didn't have her sports bra so he told her to just hold them or he'll hold them. Robin said back in the 70s when they'd show Farrah Fawcett running she was in pain for her just watching.
Howard said he used to read books about sex and they talked about caressing a woman's breasts. He said he was like 13 at the time and he thought he was going to touch her breasts but he didn't feel right doing it. He said his mother raised him right.
Howard said they called this radio show with one of the hosts who is named Mother. He said it's an internet show where the dude's name is Mother. He said the guy and his co-host Tara think aliens run the planet. He said Mother claims to be a spiritual healer or something. Robin said he's channeling Mother. Howard said last time they called they said that Tan Mom was an alien life form. Howard played some of that call to remind everyone what went on there.
Howard said this is a new call to that show. He said they called in with a terrible impression of him promoting the book. Howard played the call and the guys called in with someone doing an impression of him. The hosts of the show thought it was really him and let him promote his book. Fake Howard said he had his father there and he had him get on the phone with them. They had clips of Howard doing his impression of his father. The hosts of the show were trying to explain something about the show to fake Ben Stern.
Howard said he has Mother on the phone. He picked up and one of the guys in the back was doing the impression. Howard spent a little time talking to fake Mother. Howard bailed on that pretty quickly. Howard said those people must be hard up for phone calls because they hang in there too long.
Howard said he tells the kids that they will only last 15 minutes there. He said they really don't like it when he visits. He said they want him out.
Howard said the trick is to get in and out. He said his daughter says they know where he got it from. He said they know he doesn't last that long either. He said after 15 minutes he needs a nap. He said his mother likes to look at him. He said then she'll tell him he's doing too much if he doesn't look good. He said this time he looked good. He said they saw him on CNN. He said they don't know how to work a DVR. He said he hired them an assistant but they won't ask her to do anything. He said his dad won't ask. He said she can do it for them but they don't do it. He said he just gave up.
Howard said he and his sister take shifts going to visit their parents. He said they saw his sister and they told him about that. He said he gets the routine. Howard said his sister went to visit that day too. He said they mention her name like he doesn't know it's Ellen. Howard said he doesn't typically go on a Sunday. He said that way they get more visits. He said he told his mother he was in the neighborhood and he had a surprise for them. He said it was 2 in the afternoon and she was in her pajamas. He said that she must get home and just get changed.
Howard said his daughter lives on the west coast and the visit was quick. He said he keeps the conversation going. He said his mother gets caught in a loop. He said she'll talk about everyone dying. He said she tells everyone about who is dying in her life. He said she'll get into it and tell them about how people they know have cancer. He said he'll change subjects and tell her that Debra has a new job.
Howard said they get into baby stories about him. He said his mother will tell Debra about wanting to learn guitar and things like that. He said she told a story yesterday that he had never heard. He said she told a story about him at his Boston University graduation where he said he's smart enough that he can go to Harvard. He said he never said that but his mother insisted he did. He said she claims that she told him to go ahead and go.
Howard said his mother talks about everyone dying around her. He said he'll interrupt and tell her about the kids having a dog. He said she knew that though. He said his dad will just yell out ''How many books did you sell?'' He said it's crazy over there. He said Debra was in the middle of talking and his dad interrupted her. He said he talks for a living and he's exhausted after that. He said he needs his voice the next morning. He said his mom can start in with the stories about him and she's always the hero.
Howard said his kids think he can kind of play guitar. He said his mother will tell a story about him wanting to learn to play guitar. He said she makes it sound like she's the hero. He said she took him to the music store. He did the impression of his mother telling the story and had her saying that the owner told him he should take lessons. He said then she went over and agreed with the guy and said he should take lessons. He said she says that he looked at her with a face and said he didn't want a guitar lesson. Howard said his mother said he should go try it. He went and tried it. Then Howard had Ben interrupting asking how many books he sold. His mother finished her story saying that he liked his lessons so it's good that she told him to do that.
Howard said he got out of there after that. He said she is right. He said that he was reluctant to take one. He said he's not sure why that disturbed him so much. He said it makes him look like he didn't accomplish playing guitar. He said she thinks it's because of her. Howard said maybe it is because of her. Robin said he may have come to that realization on his own. He said his daughter likes hearing those stories but he doesn't like his mom telling them.
Howard said he even interrupted his mother and asked what lessons she ever took. He said he just sits there staring at his father. He said all they do now is go to doctor appointments.
Howard said that was nice and relaxing. He said what a good way to end vacation. He said all he did on vacation was paint and take walks. He said he got away from work for a few days. He said he did call in to have a meeting and got all stressed out again. He said he was all stressed out. He said he would rather do that than get back to work and find out all of the fucked up stuff that went on. He said there's a lot of work that goes on there. Robin said she's glad he keeps it from her. Howard said he wants her to come in and be fresh. He said if she knew what was going on there her head would explode. He said she'd be all fired up. He said everyone would be gone if she knew what was going on.
Howard said Robin used to hear what was going on with Jackie and she'd tell him to fire him. He said that she goes from 0 to 80. He said she would burn everyone like the Khaleesi on Game of Thrones. He said even he'd get burned up. He said she'd be right on that dragon. Robin said Jackie was a lot. She said that was no easy thing to take.
Howard said he remembers Jim Kerr and Zacherley being on the station. He said Carol Miller, Tony Pig and others were on that station. He said it was crazy how good they were. He said he wanted to be one of these DJs there. He said that was his goal to be on that station. He said he wanted to get on WPLJ some day. He said he knew the program director's name which was Larry Berger. He said he got a call from Larry one day when he was in Detroit. He said he got the call and he was shocked. He reenacted that call. He said Larry told him he was listening to him out there and he was doing a great job. He said he thanked Larry and Larry said he was keeping an eye on him. He said he wondered what had happened. He said he was thinking about how Larry called him. He said he didn't believe that he guy even know who he was. He said his head was filled with wonder. He said he thought he sucked and his ratings sucked but then he got his ass tickled with a feather. Howard said he thought maybe they'd put him on in the morning but they had Jim Kerr there. He said he never heard from the guy again. He said he just kept his mouth shut.
Howard said then he got to Washington DC and they tore up the town. He said then Larry called him in DC. He said he got the call and Larry said he has still been listening. Howard said all he wanted to do was work at WPLJ. He said that's all he wanted. He said then he hung up again. He said Larry told him he was doing great. He said he was even beating their sister station down there.
Howard said word got out that WNBC was going to hire him. He said then he got the call from Larry. He said then Larry called offering him a job at WPLJ. He said he thought he was going to be on in the morning at WPLJ. He said he figured every woman he knew was going to hear him on and see how big he was. He said he was going to kick everyone's ass in New York.
Howard did his impression of Larry telling him he wanted to put him on at 10 at night. He said they already had Jim Kerr here. He said if it worked out at night they'd see what they could do. He said they were going to have him playing music at 10 at night for 6 days a week. He said he asked how much he could talk. He said he would be able to talk 30 seconds a break for 3 breaks an hour. He said he called his father to talk to him about that. He said his father told him not to take it. He said it would ruin his career. Howard said they just wanted to bury him somewhere. He said they ended up at WNBC and that was a shitty AM station. He said they lied to him over there. He said they didn't even know what he did on his show. He said they played shit music over there. He said it was horrible. He said he's kind of glad they went there. He said it all worked out.
Robin said they did need some fine tuning. Howard said they were on a roll. He said they didn't need that. He said WNBC ruined his self confidence.
Howard said he sees this newsletter saying that WPLJ is going off the air. He said he was really bummed by that. He said that station meant so much to him. He said he was by his computer getting all weepy. He said he was on their web site and you can listen live. He said he was listening to the end of the station and Scott Shannon came on. He said he has spoken to Scott before. He said he was going to call into the show and tell him what the station meant to him. He said that he didn't work there so he didn't think it would be right to call in. He said he figured he might be the biggest narcissist if he did that. He said he did call there looking for a number. He said he ended up writing an email to Scott and Steve Kingston. He said he told Scott he'd call in if he wanted. Robin said Denise Oliver went to the reunion. She said she was looking at the pictures they posted.
Howard said Scott Shannon worked there and they were Scott and Todd. He said Todd didn't go on with him. He said they must have had a falling out. Robin said she thought Gary knew about that. Gary said he doesn't.
Howard said that station meant a lot to him. He said he has some clips to play. He played a clip of Jim Kerr doing his thing back in the day. Howard said Tony Pig would come on and do his thing. He said listen to this guy. He played another clip. Howard said people would laugh at him trying to do something like that.
Howard said these guys don't make much sense but with that voice it sounds important. Howard said Tony had a cool name. He said he never thought he had a cool name so he changed it to Miles August. He said that wasn't that great either. He said he's no Miles August.
Howard said Zacherley would come on and do his show on WPLJ. He played a clip of him doing his thing.
Howard said he wanted to be there so badly. He said he wanted it more than anything on this planet. He said it was the one that got away. Robin said it's good that got away. Howard said he could have been doing what Zacherley was doing. He did his impression of him for a short time. He said he was angry thinking about him being that guy who dressed up like Dracula. He said he wanted to be that guy. He said he couldn't believe he even knew who the Allman Brothers were.
Howard said he got emotional about the stilton ending. He said that the station was named after a song called White Port Lemon Juice. He played the song and said that's where they got the call letters. Howard said Hall & Oates put out a version of that song too. He said he had it all there. He found the song and played it.
Howard said they wanted to name the station WRIF but there was a screw up at the ABC network. He said they named a station in Detroit WRIF instead. He said they came up with WPLJ. He said no one cares about that story other than him.
Howard said the Program Director Came on and thanked everyone who is working there now. Howard said he doesn't care about them. He played a clip of the Program Director talking about the people being the ultimate professionals. He said he hates the way the guy did that. He said this is the end of the station and this is how they do it.
Howard said he wanted to hear everyone else from the old days on there. He said Mark Coppola was on. He said that he didn't know he worked there. Howard said Zach is dead and Larry is dead. He said that he didn't know that until he read about it. Howard played more of the Program Director making his announcement. Howard said wait until you hear some of the DJ names. He said he addressed some of them and they have radio names. He said just give their real names. Howard played more of the guy's speech and he was giving the goofy radio names. Howard said they had Utopia and Skywalker among others. Howard did his impression of that Program Director announcing names like Scrotum Licker and things like that.
Howard said the station was doing well in the ratings but he company that owned them wasn't doing well so they had to sell off 6 stations. He said now it's a religious station. He said this is the switch over from WPLJ to K-Love. He said he knew this was going to happen after he left terrestrial radio.
Howard played the clip of the switch over. One of the DJ's, Race Taylor, toasted the WPLJ staff and then they switched over to K-Love. Howard asked why they can't just talk instead of doing that voice. He said how about just getting on and asking if someone can just hire them.
Howard played more of the clip of Race Taylor talking about the old station and toasted the White Port Lemon Juice. Howard said this got him emotional when he said one last time calling it WPLJ. Howard said then it went silent and the new station came on. He said this was the Christian station starting. He said it's a syndicated thing so they don't do it from the same place. Howard played the rest of the clip where the new station started.
Howard said he's not sure how religious the show is. He said he has some audio of the morning show over there. JD said it's an afternoon show that he's going to play. Howard played some of the Jeff and Randi show. Howard said they should tell everyone how much money they're raking in from the audience. Howard said they can spend $100 million to buy six stations with that money.
Howard played more of the Jeff and Randi show where they were explaining what the show is. They were talking about how the fans have helped them expand even more. Howard said he's not sure what the guy is laughing about. He said he must not believe his career is going so well. Robin said even Jim Kerr couldn't do this. Howard said he thinks he could.
Howard played more of the K-Love stuff. Jeff and Randi were joking around with each other not being funny. They were asking the audience to keep listening to the station. Howard did his impression of what that show could be like. Howard asked what they could be bringing in to be able to spend that kind of money on stations. He said he bets they could bring in a lot of money too.
Howard played more of the Jeff and Randi show and they were talking about how their message is that everything is going to be okay and you'll never be alone. Howard said that's such a bullshit message. He said everything is not going to be okay. He did his impression of Jeff talking about how the Jews won't be in charge of this one station in New York City.
Howard said he went on their web site and they have a big ''Donate'' button on top. He said do what the rest of the stations do and get advertisers.
Gary came in and said they have a mission statement on their web site. He said they act like they're not that religious but the number one mission statement is all about making the station about god. Robin wondered if you have to get on your knees and show you know how to pray. Howard did more of his impression of the Jeff and Randi show. He had them talking about how everything is going to be okay and then having them saying hateful things about the Jews and homosexuals.
Robin said she wants to hear the music too. Howard played another clip where they were quoting the bible and going on and on with that. They had music playing behind that. Then they played some music.
Howard said he was kind of bummed out about that station going away. He said he loved WPLJ. Robin said she knew about it because friends were going to the reunion. Robin said she would keep it on her radio back when that's all there was.
Gary said they're a non profit so they don't have to pay taxes on the stations they bought. Howard said that's some racket. He said he should take a break because he's been talking for a while. Howard said they should play Tony and Randi and Robin can laugh at everything he says.
Howard said goodbye WPLJ. He said he did love that station back in the day. Robin asked if they play all religious music. JD said from what he heard, yes. He said he didn't recognize anything he was hearing on there.
Howard said he never thought they would have a religious station like that in New York City. He said he has to take a break and then get to some calls and things. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was going to drive into Manhattan and do a half hour on WPLJ. He said he wanted to be a guest DJ. Robin said they would have said yes to that. Howard said he wanted to call in with Scott Shannon but then he figured he was being an asshole. He said he called there asking what they thought and they told him to just do his own show there.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling from Florida. Howard asked what the temperature is down there. The guy said it's like 81. Howard said that's great. The caller said it can get hot there in New York. He said it gets very humid down in Florida. Howard said he needs the heat of the sun. He said he must be a lizard. He said it got so hot out that he was itchy. He said he just feels good there. He said his skin feels better there. Robin said it has rained so much up there. She said that Howard dragged her there to New York. Howard said his mother is the one who thinks it's great there. He said she never even leaves her house. Robin asked what's so great about New York. Howard said if you like to go out then it's great. He said he don't love any of that. Robin asked about the peeing in the subway and all of that. The caller said that's why he goes to New York.
The caller said he was hired by a station down at WDBO and he's going to be on from 10-11 at night. Howard didn't understand what the guy was talking about. Robin thought she did but the guy said she was wrong too. Howard slowed the caller, Sean, down and asked what he's talking about. Sean said he was making digital stuff for this station. He said he was making comedy clips and sketches for a couple of stations in Orlando. Howard asked how he does this. Sean said they use the video clips sort of how Howard does it to push people to the app.
Howard asked what the best bit was that he made. Sean said he made a Jersey Shore bit and that got the most views. Howard asked why they gave him a talk show. Sean said that he gets a lot of views so they gave him a show. Howard asked what he needs from him. Sean said he wants some advice. Sean said this is the first time for him on the air and he wants one piece of advice. Howard said he's not sure what the format is. Sean said it's a late night talk show kind of show. Howard said it sounds like he knows what he's doing. Howard asked if he's getting paid. Sean said he is. Howard said it sounds like he knows what he's doing.
Howard asked who his first guest is. Sean said he has a woman who hires felons to train dogs or something like that. Howard asked who he has for his second show. Sean said he's not sure. Howard ended up hanging up on Sean. He said he has no advice for him. He said the line up for the show sounds horrible. He said he should have offered him JD for his first show. He said if you can't get ratings with JD then you're no radio personality.
Howard said he might have to get that guy back to offer him JD. JD said he'll do whatever he wants. Howard and Fred did an impression of what that would sound like. Howard did his DJ voice and Fred did his JD voice for the interview.
Howard said JD is the best guest he's ever had on his show. JD said he doesn't know about that. Howard asked Fred JD some questions and Fred JD mumbled his answers. Howard asked him about going to Full Sail and the web cam girls.
Howard had Sean back on the show and told him he has to get rid of the woman with the dog training thing. He said he might offer JD up as his first guest. Howard said he's gold. Sean said he'll take him. Howard talked to Fred as JD again and had him making good radio for Sean. Sean said this is brilliant. He said he can't wait to talk to him tonight.
Robin said she wants to know how JD blew through 10 grand with web cam girls. Howard said he has to ask JD about mice chewing through his pants in his closet. Sean asked the real JD to talk about that. JD said he didn't know his apartment had mice and his suit got chewed through. Howard said this is your guy. He said he had his suit laying on the floor of his closet.
Howard asked real JD why he revealed his engagement on Twitter instead of the show. JD said he was excited and he thought he would tell the story on the air the next day but you know, whatever.
Howard asked JD Puppet to tell him about his wedding vows. Fred did his JD Puppet impression and had him mumbling and talking about the stuff that he did.
Howard asked JD puppet for his top 5 Letterman gusts. Fred mumbled out some names. Howard said don't ask about JD's finances. Howard said JD got upset when they asked him about what he was spending money on. He played a clip of JD freaking out about that. Howard said Sean has to ask him about almost drowning in a pool of 2 feet of water. Howard asked JD if he wants to do this show. JD said he'll do it but he goes to bed at 8. Howard said he thought JD wanted to be a director. JD said he's not even thinking about that. Robin asked what he's going to do then. JD said he'll figure it out.
Howard said it sounds like he's not going to be able to do the show. Sean said he'll do a pre-recorded show if JD wants to. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said JD puppet should interview JD. Howard had Fred do that. He had JD puppet asking JD about his spoons. JD just laughed. JD puppet asked JD what he would do if a girl put peanut butter on her pussy and she has a peanut allergy. JD said he's not going there. Robin asked how he knew dogs liked peanut butter. JD said goodbye.
Howard asked why JD is putting likes next to hot girls on Twitter. He wondered if his wife gets upset. JD said it's people he knows. He said it's not models or anything. He said he has friends who are girls. Howard said he doesn't do that because it would upset his wife. Robin said JD is just liking them because they're hot. JD said that's not the case. He said if his wife doesn't like something he won't do it. Robin asked what JD puts up. JD said he likes to get artsy with his pictures.
Jason came in and said the last picture JD liked was a girl twerking. Howard said that's what he's talking about. Jason said you can just like someone's picture in your mind without leaving a paper trail. Howard said that's what he does.
JD said he doesn't remember liking a twerking video. Howard said JD follows a ton of porn stars on his feed. JD said he doesn't follow that many. He said he does follow hot chicks though. JD said his wife likes hot chicks too. Howard said he didn't know that. JD said liking the pictures is just like supporting that person.
Howard said he was just thinking he'd be a good guest on that guy Sean's show. Howard took his call again and Sean said JD followed his wife immediately on Instagram. He said they were talking about how he follows and likes girl's pictures. He said he always sees the porn stuff he follows on his feed. JD said it's not porn stuff so whatever. Howard said his wife can't like him liking those pictures. He said he likes that stuff to but he doesn't ''like'' it. JD said she's fine with it and she can tell him if it bothers her. Howard said maybe he should be a little intuitive.
Howard asked if JD's wife has to tell him not to like that stuff. JD said everything is fine. Robin asked if he as curtailed his internet activity without being told first. JD said of course.
Howard said JD follows some woman from Temptation Island and a hot news anchor from Philly. Howard asked who Phoenix Marie is. JD said he knows her. He said she knows Vick Lagina. Robin asked who Vick Lagina is. Howard asked what kind of news woman she is if she doesn't know who that is.
Howard said he could do this every day. He said when he gets tired of JD he'll take to JD puppet. Howard asked JD to ask him how many porn stars he follows. JD said he's sure he follows zero. Howard said that's right. JD asked if he wants him to get a divorce or something. Howard said they're trying to save that marriage. He said that he doesn't do the web cam girls. Robin said they had to tell him to cut down on that.
Howard asked JD what happens when he likes a hot girl's picture. JD said he thinks that he's being a friend. Howard asked what Cocolitious is. JD said he doesn't know. He said he's not sure why he's being fucked with all of a sudden. Howard said he loves JD. He said ask him a question an bust his balls. JD said he loves him too. Robin said this is genuine curiosity.
Howard asked Sean about his wife and if she DMs with JD. Sean said they have a 14 year old daughter and they call it sliding into your account. He said that his wife will post a photo and JD is one of the first to like them. Robin said he's a close follower. Howard said maybe JD has the right idea. Sean said he's not sure about that. Howard said JD is all mad at him now. Robin said they lost JD in one day. JD said he's mad at this army back there going through his shit.
Howard said he hasn't seen JD in 10 days so it's just catching up. JD asked him to please fuck with someone else. Howard told him to pick someone. JD said maybe they can start the news early or something. Howard said he doesn't mean to fuck him up. JD said he just can't take it sometimes. Howard said just let them know when he can take it. He said he wants to know how his wife handles it. JD said he's just fine. He said she tells him every day that she loves him.
Howard said all he wants to know is why you can't just look at the photos and not ''like'' them. He said you can look at all you want without liking them. He said that's like telling your wife that you're busy looking at hot chicks. He said that's sending a signal that you want to fuck that person. Robin said that it's like an option is still open.
Howard said he's playing all angles and he won't like photos like that. He said he can look but he's not going to like them. Howard said he likes pictures of kittens. Howard said he thinks he's giving him good advice. Robin said that if he didn't put a like there wouldn't even be a discussion.
Howard asked if he can ask one more question. JD said it's fine. Howard asked why put a like if it leaves fingerprints. JD said he tries not to. He said there are pictures that he likes that aren't just girls who look hot. He said they're something else or whatever. Howard said they need a replay on that. He said he didn't get that at all.
Howard asked what's up with him following female body builders. JD said he just follows different people. He said goodbye again. Howard said he feels really close to him now. Robin said he kept cutting himself off and never finished a thought. Howard said he was trying to say that he doesn't have an explanation for what he's up to.
Howard said he didn't mean to upset him. He said he'll have to talk to him off the air. JD said he tries to use his head but sometimes it doesn't work.
Howard asked if he has a social media addiction. JD said probably. Howard asked if he could stay off of social media for 30 days. JD said Instagram yes but Twitter no. He said he uses that for work a lot. Howard said they should get him an account for work. JD said he's fine. Howard said his point was that he's a good guest. JD puppet said that he has different accounts for different body parts.
Howard had a replay of JD talking about what he likes and why he does it. Howard said that's the most honest he's ever been. He said he'd hire him 10 times over. He wishes that he had 10 JDs working in the office. He said he has to take a break now. He said he really does love JD.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he has the hottest girl on Instagram. He said her name is Cyn Santana. He said she can be wearing anything. Howard said the person he likes the best is Emily Ratajkowski. He said she was in that Robin Thicke video. He said he's not sure who she's kidding but she was going to be on Jimmy Fallon the other night. He said he had to see it so he watched. He said she came out wearing something that covered her whole body. He said she has to be fucking kidding. He said that she's horribly boring and she came out covered up? He said the reason she's interesting is because of her body. He said he's sure that she'll never be on Jimmy's show again. He said she has to be almost topless and showing her belly. He said the reason people follow her is because she's so hot. He said that was a big mistake going on like that.
King was still talking about that Cyn Santana and explaining why JD has to let those women know that he likes their pictures so they know he likes them. Howard said he's like Hugh Hefner over there. Howard let King go.
Howard said on the Daily Mail they have almost naked pictures of Emily Ratajkowski. He said every day she's almost naked on Instagram. He said she's hot. He said then you see her on a talk show and assume she's going to be hot. He said then she wears something like a birka. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he's behind on commercials. He said he came there thinking they were commercial free and now he's behind on commercials. They went to break after that.
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Howard asked JD if he thinks he respects him. JD said for the most part, sure. Howard asked why it's a problem if it's a public thing. He said he's following someone and he just asked about it. He said it's public. He said he didn't break in and steal his password or something. JD said that it's fine. He said he's tired and doesn't want to talk about it. The caller said with answers like that he's not helping himself. JD thanked him for that.
Howard said he works with the guy and you can go on and see who he likes and who his friends are. He said if you don't want people to know who you're friends with then don't put it out there.
Howard said he watches Cardi B's videos on social media. He said she puts them out there and he enjoys watching them. He played one of her videos where she was talking about people photoshopping her camel toe. Howard said she's talking about how that was her asshole and not even her pussy. Robin said she explained that's what gives the dick comfort. Howard said he has to take another break because they're so far behind. He apologized to JD again. Robin asked if he understands what Howard was saying. JD said yes and it makes sense. Howard went to break after that.
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Apples asked about Gabrielle Union. Howard said he doesn't know who she is. He said he's glad that Howie got to keep his job. He said it's clear that Simon got rid of the other women because they were older and replaced them with young women. He said that he's like Charlie's Angels. He said that they're Simon's Angels. He said he hates Simon. He said he's a scum bag. Apples asked if he reached out for book promotion. Howard said no. He said that Simon tried to push him out of America's Got Talent. He said he saw the emails he sent to Sony about it. Apples asked if JD likes Beth's Instagram. Howard asked what that has to do with anything. He hung up and said his calls are usually better.
Howard took a call from fake Simon Cowell who talked about the new hosts and all of that. The guys were playing pre-recorded clips of fake Simon. Howard asked them to replay one of the clips when he didn't get the whole line.
Howard said he has Sour Mariann on the phone. He took the call and Sour Shoes was doing his impression of Mariann screaming about Simon Cowell. Howard asked why she has AC/DC playing behind her. Sour Mariann said that way she doesn't have to crow. Sour Mariann was going on and on screaming about all of the book promotion. Howard had real Mariann on the phone too. He picked up on her and Mariann was screaming like Sour Mariann was. It sounded the same. They were screaming stuff out that was hard to understand. Howard would ask each one to say something and they were both screaming. He went back and forth for a couple of minutes.
Howard asked Sour Mariann how her voice is doing. Sour went into his King of All Blacks voice for a second. Howard asked real Mariann what her point was. Mariann screamed something out that was unintelligible. Howard muted both of them.
Howard said he thinks they're both still going. He put them back on for a second. Robin said Sour does a great Mariann. Howard said he does more useless voices than anyone. He said he's the man of 1000 useless voices.
Howard said they got a ton of feedback about the show while they were gone. He read through some of the feedback he got about going on Stephen Colbert's show. Howard said he was also on Rolling Stone. He said he even liked the picture. He said he got off pretty good. He said he liked the NY Times Magazine cover too. He said he gets fooled thinking he's hot. He said he looks good in those photos. He said he does look like a hot guy. He said they don't Photoshop that stuff. He said he had no say in the pictures either. He said The Hollywood Reporter pictures were good too. He said when you see him on the app you see how ugly he really is. He said he's not sure how he can look good on those covers and not on video.
Howard read some feedback about those covers and how he looked. Howard got some nice feedback about the interviews too. Howard said he wonders about the women who knew him in high school and college. He said they must see him on those covers and think about how hot he is.
Howard said he got a ton of good feedback about the Anderson Cooper interview. He read some of that feedback. Howard said he went on the internet and saw some of the interview but it was edited and it was kind of jumpy.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was an ex-girlfriend and she wants him back. Howard spent a few seconds talking to her.
Howard said this was his fourth Rolling Stone cover. He said that means something to him. He said some people say they're not relevant but they are to him. He said he's not sure if he even has a hard copy of that. Robin said she wants to get one.
Howard said a lot of people liked Dana Carvey on the show. He said he just sat back and listened to that guy. He read some feedback he got about that interview.
Howard asked Robin what's in the news. Robin started off with a story about someone who died taking a selfie. Robin said this time it was at a waterfall at Lake Tahoe. Robin said the woman was a mother of two teens and she's gone now. Howard said David Spade does these Instagram stories and he did this video where he shows people taking selfies of themselves at this place in L.A. He said it's a weird thing when people take selfies. He said at this place the people step into the road. He said they're going to die. Robin said they say that there are deaths at this place in Lake Tahoe every year.
JD said the people take those pictures in L.A. because of the palm trees on the street. Howard said Spade was walking down the street and he saw a bird and he ran up to do an interview as Bird TMZ. Howard said he did the same thing with every bird he saw that day.
Robin said they have those scooters and bikes you can rent in the city. Robin said they leave them all over the place in the city. Howard said he doesn't like them because they ride on the sidewalk. Robin said now they have pogo sticks coming soon. Howard said he's against that. Robin said you don't want someone jumping up and down in your city. Robin said they want to bring them to San Francisco.
Howard said he just farted and it smells like he shit. He said he likes the smell of his own. He asked Fred if he can smell it. Fred said not yet but he can smell them sometimes. He said he can smell Richard when he's in there doing his thing.
Robin read more about the pogo stick rentals. Howard said those guys Chad and JT went to the city council about those scooters. He played one of their clips where they were defending them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they've had those scooters in Nashville for a year and people are dying every week because they don't look when they go in the street. He said they're thinking about getting rid of them. Howard said he's with them on that. Howard asked how Nashville is. The caller said it's a party there. He told Howard to come down on a scooter. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said maybe if Sirius gives them a half hour show to do he'd do that. He said he's half on the floor after 4 hours. He said it's like he's melting.
Robin read a story about Peter Max who did psychedelic art way back when. Robin said now he's suffering from dementia. Howard said he doesn't want to get that. He said he can't have that. Robin said you don't know where you are. Howard said he can't have that. Robin said he's 81 years old. Howard said he thinks he remembers stuff but maybe he doesn't. He said he wants to go out with all his marbles. He said he knows some guys who did that. Robin said she was looking at some TV show and showing the insides of coffins and she thought she doesn't want to be inside that. Howard said he's going into a mausoleum. He said he won't be in a coffin just in case he's alive and wakes up. Robin said she might go in that compost pile.
Robin said she has known Peter Max over the years. She said she would run into him at events she went to. She said she knows things about her kids and how they're taking over the business. She said there was talk of elder abuse and things like that. Robin said she was asked to go to his studio before. Howard said she kept that quiet.
Robin read a story about Moby and Natalie Portman. Howard said he got a copy of Moby's book and he claimed he had a relationship with Natalie and she says that he's out of his mind. Robin had more details about that. Robin said Moby ended up canceling his book tour over this. Howard said if he knew that was how to stop the book tour he would have written about having an affair. He said he'll have to two of them in there to take lie detector tests. Howard said he got a note from the book company about Moby asking him to read the book. He said he doesn't really read books though.
Robin said Amy Heckerling and Chris Kattan are having an argument about what Chris wrote in his book about something that happened between them. Howard asked if anyone really cares about what went on between Chris and Amy. Howard jokingly said he had a similar story about how his agent made him give Scott Greenstein a hand job to get a job there. He said that wasn't gay. He said he did what he had to do to get a job. Howard said that Chris is actually going to be on the Wrap Up Show this Thursday. He said he likes Chris. He said he thinks he's a funny guy. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Sephora closing stores this week for diversity training. Robin said that Sza claims that she was racially profiled at a Sephora so they're going to be talking to their employees this Wednesday morning. Howard said Gary had a job where he was in charge of following black people around the store. Gary said they would buzz him to let him know when he had to stand around to keep an eye on customers. He said one day they put him at the front door and someone asked if he was security. He said he guesses so and the guy laughed at him. Gary said they would buzz different numbers of times for different reasons. He said one buzz was there was one person and two was more were out there and 3 meant call the police. He said he worked with a black person and every time that buzzer went off her body language showed how pissed off she was about the whole thing.
Robin read a story about Claus von Bulow passing away at the age of 90. Howard got Fred to do his character that he used to do for Claus. Howard spoke to Fred as Claus for a short time. Howard said good for Fred for dusting off that impression.
Robin read a story about President Trump going to Japan for something and the White House asked the Navy to cover up the name of a ship because it was named after John McCain. Robin said that the military is now saying that it's inappropriate for the Navy to be dragged into politics. Robin had some audio of Meghan McCain talking about how this creates a culture of people being fearful of the man. Meghan said Trump is obsessed with how he's never going to be a great man like her father was. Howard said that would be like him going to NBC and asking Jimmy Fallon to cover up all of the NBC logos for him. Howard said Brent is really worked up about this. Brent came in and said that McCain was one of the greatest heroes of our lifetime. He said that he was in a tiger box for 5 years. Howard said when Trump said what he said about McCain he didn't think he'd win the election. Howard said if he was running against Trump he'd just bring up John McCain's name for every question. Brent said that they invited everyone from the ships that were in Japan to come to the event. He said everyone but the people from the John McCain were invited. He said they were turned away if they had the name of the ship on them. Howard said John McCain was 50 times the man he'll ever be.
Howard and Brent spent a little time talking about that. Howard said this morning Trump tweeted that people should boycott AT&T because they own CNN. He said he should not be involved with that. Howard took a call from fake Sarah Huckabee Sanders who was defending Trump and going off on John McCain.
Robin read a story about Kit Harrington checking into rehab. Robin said he doesn't need people writing about that. Robin said don't stalk people when they're dealing with personal issues like that. Robin had some audio of Kit talking about something. Howard said he tried to watch the Game of Thrones behind the scenes special and it was boring. Robin said she was out of there after about 5 minutes. Howard said he's sure Jon Hein loved it. He asked if he did. Jon said he thought it was great. He said it was amazing to see how they put that show together. Howard said their stresses don't mean anything to him. Jon said he thought it was pretty cool. Robin said she was wishing it was in the dark. She said that would have been more interesting. Howard said he'd like to see a documentary about how they shot that dark episode. He said don't do a special about your problems. He said just put the show on.
Robin read a story about The Bachelorette being interrupted by a weather man and the weather man got upset about people watching the show. Robin had some audio of the weather man getting upset when he finds out people on social media were telling them to get back to the show.
Robin said Kelly Ripa has a problem with The Bachelor and Bachelorette. Robin said she doesn't like the show and she tells them that whenever they're on. Robin had some audio of Kelly talking about how the show disgusts her.
Robin read a story about Billy Blanks, known for his Taebo exercise tapes, being interviewed recently and he now says he thinks Richard Simmons will resurface soon. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone again doing his Richard Simmons impression. His phone cut out in the middle of a sentence.
Robin read a story about Dr. Drew talking about the problem with rats in Los Angeles. Robin had some audio of Drew talking about the diseases spreading out there and part of that is because of the rat problem.
Robin read a story about El Chapo getting a visit from his mom. Robin said his mother is going to get to visit her son in prison. Robin said she was granted a visa to come to the U.S.
Robin read a story about R. Kelly being charged again. Robin said the original complaint was 4 women but now there are more women between the ages of 13 and 16. Robin said there are 11 more charges. She said many have been seen on video tape.
Robin read a story about how Apple is getting rid of iTunes. She said they're going to come out with 3 different services to take the place of iTunes.
Robin read a story about the shootings that took place in Virginia on Friday. Robin said this guy wrote out his resignation and then killed 12 people and injured 4. Robin said he was killed in a shoot out with the police. Robin said they're looking for a motive. Howard said they used to call it ''going postal'' when Postal workers would snap. Robin said the man is dead so how are they going to figure it out. She said there's no good reason to shoot 12 people.
Robin read a story about the Jeopardy winner and how they may have shown him losing finally. Robin said he's in his 33rd game. Robin said that will bring his history win streak to an end. Howard said his mother loved that guy. He said she's even watching the show now. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was just talking with Memet. He said he was thanking him for getting him a t-shirt he made himself. He said he designed something that said ''I'm number 1 on the NY Times Best Seller List.'' He said he got it when he got back from vacation. He said Memet asked if he read the back. He said he hadn't. He said Memet said that he also had 'Michelle Obama is a Loser'' because he beat her. Howard said imagine he wore that and someone read that. He said there's a lot of assumption there. He said he doesn't think she's a loser but Memet might. He said thank god he didn't wear it. He said he wouldn't wear that but he didn't want to tell him it's the stupidest thing he could wear.
Gary said Memet was saying that everyone has been licking her balls all year so he must be happy he beat her.
Howard said Memet is like a cat who brings you a dead bird it killed. He said he thinks Memet thinks he's doing good but the gift shows what an idiot he is. Robin said it shows who he really hired.
Howard said Gary should have read the back of the shirt. He said he's the one who has to check all of that stuff. Howard said this is Memet's political shirt. He asked if he really thought he would walk around in that shirt. He said it went right to he incinerator. He asked what that cost him to make. It was $45. Howard said that's an expensive incinerator item. He said donate to North Shore Animal League instead of making a shirt.
Howard said please don't buy him any gifts. He said they don't have to do that. He said he loves everyone there. Robin said it's a nice gesture going the wrong way. Howard said he loved the thought but Gary, have him removed. He said everything goes wrong.
Howard asked if Memet wants to defend his gift. Memet came in and Howard thanked him for the gift. He said no one else did that for him. He said he's not angry with him. He said he's really a weirdo. Memet said he thinks he likes it deep down. Howard said he got home and he wanted to tidy up his office. He said he saw the shirt with his name on it. He said he had to thank him for the gift. He said he had the shirt laying there on his desk. He said he had to do that to remind him to say thanks. He said that's the way he operates. He said the shirt was there for 3 days. He said he was going to write him a note for that. He said he couldn't have read him worse. He said he's not going to wear a shirt like that. Memet said people weren't acknowledging him. Howard said he would never wear that shirt. Memet said he figured he was getting gifts from other people. Howard said he didn't get any other gifts.
Memet said if he had a best seller he thinks he'd wear that. He said he likes to be braggadocios. Howard said he would never wear that. He said he could get his ass kicked after having that on the back. Memet said they all agree that Michelle Obama gets her ass kissed all the time. He said that Howard wears a jacket all the time so he didn't think anyone would see it on him unless he took it off. Memet said that Michelle Obama can't be criticized and this is Howard beating her. Howard said Memet hates Michelle Obama. Memet said he doesn't hate her but they can't criticize her. Memet said how funny is it that he knocked her off the best seller list. Howard said he doesn't have to walk around saying she's a loser. He said people would be livid with him if they saw that on him. Memet said he shouldn't have put any effort into this and he would have been fine.
Howard said he's going to go home and throw that thing in the incinerator. Memet said he would like him to wear it to work. Howard said he will bring it in and he can wear it. Memet said that Robin will like it and she'll admit she was wrong if she sees it and likes it. Robin said she will admit it if she's wrong. Howard said he's not going to wear it.
Howard said Richard and Sal want to jerk off on the shirt. Memet said that's offensive to Michelle. Howard said Memet is something else. He said he can't fathom what's going on in his head.
Memet said if Jimmy Kimmel ever sent him something like that he'd be happy about it. Howard said Jimmy would never send him anything like that. He said Jimmy once sent him a water color painting of Pig Virus. He said that was funny. He said he wouldn't send him a shirt like this. Memet said this is something he can use. Howard said he can use the water color painting. He said he can't use this shirt. He said the painting looks just like Pig Virus. Memet said he would like people to see the shirt. Gary said Howard got a painting from Jimmy that he didn't like and didn't hang on his wall. Howard said Memet just doesn't know him. He said he really doesn't. Memet said he didn't say he did. Howard said he writes for him and you'd think he'd know him to some degree.
Fred said Bobo might wear that shirt. Memet said he thinks that she's a loser in their world. Howard said she's not a loser in ''our world'' just in Memet's world. Howard said when he puts this shirt on he had better be clear what his itinerary is. He said he can't just wear it. Memet said it's funny. He said if he was on the list he'd be bragging about it.
Howard said he feels bad but it's just not him. He said the shirt is cheaply made. He said the lettering looks like it would be itchy against the skin. Memet said he went to a high quality place.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she hopes this is a bit. She said he's so arrogant. Howard said it's a passive aggressive thing. Memet said it is not. Howard asked where he would walk around with that shirt. He said he won't even put a bumper sticker on his car. The caller said Memet has no respect. She said every time Howard makes a good point Memet doesn't listen. Memet asked what he caller would have gotten him. Howard said it's not getting him something. He said if you want to get him something maybe just write a nice note. Memet said that would go right in the garbage. The caller said the shirt is going in the garbage. Howard said he would feel like an imbecile if he wore that shirt.
Howard said he's just telling Memet his reaction. Memet said he's looking at him wearing it and he thinks it looks great. Howard said Michelle Obama sold 10 million copies of her book. He said he can only hope he gets there. He said she's far from a loser. Robin said Memet thinks Howard is lying when he talks. Memet said that they think what Howard is thinking in his head.
Howard said he honestly didn't think about Michelle's book at all. He said he was proud of his own book and he was excited about it. He said he was never thinking about knocking her off the list. He said to be more analytical about it those sales were representing his pre-orders and stuff. He said he hasn't sold 10 million books. Memet said she is a loser in this one thing. Howard said he's not going to put on a t-shirt like that. He said it's not even that funny of a joke. Memet said it's just something that you see and think it's funny. He said it wasn't meant to be talked about on the radio for an hour. Howard said he is number 1 on the list but that's it. Memet said he's beating everyone else and the rest of them are losers.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's Memet's number 1 fan. The caller said that he has other ideas for shirts. He had other best selling authors that he was bad mouthing for the shirts. Memet said he's zoning. Howard said he is too.
Howard took a call from fake Donald Trump who was saying he wants one of those shirts. He told Memet he can work in his cabinet when Howard fires him.
Memet said that he wishes he could rewind the show and have Howard say that Adam Levine sent him that shirt and Robin would think it's the funniest thing in the world. Robin said she would have thought Howard was out of his mind if he wore that shirt.
Howard said 16 staff members think it's lame and one thinks it's cool. He said Ronnie doesn't even like it.
Howard asked Ronnie what he thinks about this. Ronnie said it's lame. He said Memet doesn't know his boss. He said he would never wear that shirt. Howard said he only saw the front of the shirt and he'd never wear that. Memet said the punchline is on the back. Ronnie asked why Howard doesn't sell t-shirts. Memet said that's a whole other thing. He said it has nothing to do with this. Howard said Ronnie will wear any fucking shirt. Ronnie said that's not true.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Memet is the new slow adult there. He said this is what Sal would have gotten him for a wedding gift. Memet said it's a good t-shirt. The caller said he would never give him a gift like that. He said Memet should be wearing a diaper. Howard said he didn't even show it to his wife. He said he didn't want her thinking he was that lame.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he loves Memet and he thinks the shirt is a great idea. He asked if he has any other great ideas like the billboard where Howard cums on everyone. Memet said they had a billboard and it was very plain. He said no one even remembers it. Robin said she called Howard about his Super Bowl idea and asked if Memet was serious. She said he got some cracker Jack psychologist who thinks this stuff is okay. Howard asked if he's still in therapy. Memet said he graduated. He's no longer in it.
Howard said he does appreciate him getting him a gift. He said he will not wear it though. Ronnie said it's a great bit.
Gary said Memet had an idea for a Pete Davidson bit. He said it had something to do with the suicide prevention hotline. Howard asked what his problem is with Pete. Memet said he thinks he's a douche. He said he's another one like Michelle Obama. He said they have to get over it with him and Michelle Obama. He said it's all about Pete Davidson in the paper. Robin said he's jealous of these people. Memet said he's not. He said he doesn't go around talking about him. Howard said he talks a lot about him and he senses a lot of jealousy. Jason said he actually talks a lot about him in the office. He said he hears him talking about what a douche he is. Memet said everyone in the office thinks he's a douche. He said even Jason thinks so. Howard said he doesn't think he's a douche. Howard said this is a young guy who is on Saturday Night Live. Memet said it's all of the other douchey shit he does other than dating Kate Beckinsale. He said he's on Instagram threatening suicide. He said he's like High Pitch Erik. He's just doing it for attention.
Gary said this morning they did the rundown and they were talking about Pete Davidson and Memet there in the story as ''douche news'' when he brought up that story. Robin said she has been talking about how much Pete has been killing it on Saturday Night Live this season.
Howard said he's going to bring in the shirt tomorrow. He said he'll tell Robin that Adam Levine got it for him. Memet said they'll see what happens. He said use any name but his. Memet said congrats on the book. Howard let Memet go after that. He said he loves the kid. Robin said she does wonder how he keeps finding these people. Howard said if he went to any work place in American he could show you that there are a lot of disturbed people working there. He said if he interviewed the writers he'd find the same.
Howard said Memet was an intern on the show and he thought he would be good as a full time employee. Robin said she feels like they're just a narrow line between this and going to jail.
Howard said he got a lot of great feedback about JD yesterday. He said his brother in law said he would listen to a whole show with JD. Howard asked JD what he thinks about that. JD said that's very nice.
Howard asked JD what he thinks about the shirt. JD said it's Memet imposing his views on Howard. Howard asked JD how long he's worked there. JD said it's been a long time. He said he did get Howard a Vote For Pedro shirt once. He said he did it just once though. Howard said that shirt is funny. He said he would wear that. He said he's not going to wear a shirt that says he's number 1 on the best seller list. He said the big kicker is the Michelle Obama thing. He said he wouldn't do that and he wouldn't even put a bumper sticker on his car saying who he would vote for. He said he's not looking for those problems.
Howard said he's not going to explain it. He said he has to move on. He said the racial insensitivity is off the chart. He said he knows a lot of people there at Sirius would be upset if they saw that on his shirt. Howard said he comes up in the elevator with Otis and Keith every day. He said imagine what that would be like if they saw that shirt. He said people won't get it. He said it would be like having ''Show us the birth certificate'' on the shirt.
Howard took a call from fake President Obama who had some words about his wife's book. He was whispering things about her book sucking and how he reads Howard's in the bathroom.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved the book but why a shirt Memet? He asked what he was thinking when he made that shirt. He asked if he had to buy more than one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was hoping to hear Memet lose the IQ test results even though he already knew the outcome on the replay. He said he should limit his air time. Howard played a song parody about Memet being a douche. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said he stayed up too late yesterday. He said he had to jerk off because Beth was doing something. He said she was busy and wasn't around. He said he mixed it up and watched some YouPorn. He said they're the best. He said he's tried others but they're the best. He said he likes their front page and how it's laid out. He said they have selections for him. He said if you saw what they picked for him you'd think he needs a psychiatrist 24/7.
Howard said he watched a ''fake agent'' video. He said it was in French so he had to read the subtitles. He said this 28 year old woman comes in looking for a job. He said the agent tells her that she shot some porn back in the day. He said the woman says that she could walk runway or be in underwear and be in porn. Howard asked when you see that. He said the woman says that's great. The woman asks if she should take her shirt off and then she takes it off and she has no bra. He said the agent asks about her tits being real or fake and finds out they're fake. He said next thing you know she's sitting there naked.
Howard said the agent whispers in the woman's ear that she could get a lot of work. He said then they start making out. He said the woman never rejects any of this. He said he usually doesn't like French films but he liked this.
Howard said the agent is rubbing the girl's vagina and then going down on her and eating her out. He said the model has her legs spread open and the agent is going to town. He said then the girl goes down on the agent. He said he blew his load around that time. Howard said he likes story so he's like a woman. He said he thinks about cumming but then he's into the story and keeps going.
Robin said there was a show with the family named the Duggars. She said they had a show that got canceled but they still put out stuff on social media. Robin said one of the girls said that if you want to keep a relationship going then don't watch porn. Howard said she says she has sex 3-4 times a week. Howard said not everyone is around that much so he has to do this. He said he put his disgusting tissues in the toilet that's one of those ''green'' toilets. He said he can't even flush those tissues down the toilet. He said he wants to get into bed and watch TV but he has to flush like 10 times to get rid of them. He asked how that saves water. He said you got rid of toilets that can flush but now you have toilets that have to be flushed 97 times to get cum tissues down. He said he knows that takes more water.
Howard said he's been watching a Netflix series called ''Bad Blood'' and it's really good. He said he likes it because they have one of the guys from Sons of Anarchy and that Anthony Lapaglia. He said Paul Sorvino is in it too. He said he's already on season 2. He said they kill everyone in the show. He said he loves that killing. Robin said she likes Sneaky Pete on Amazon. She said John Wick 3 is great too. Howard said he saw that. He said they figured out that no one wants dialog or plot. He said they just want to see Keanu Reeves go shopping for guns and killing everyone. He said he goes shopping for guns in every film. He said in this one he gets shot multiple times and he's fine. He said he loved the movie. He said there's zero plot. He said you don't even need a brain to watch this one.
Howard said Keanu isn't that big physically but he beats up everyone. He said it's great. Robin said she saw it in the theater. She said it was great. Howard asked if they arrest everyone coming out of there. He said he wouldn't want to be in a room of John Wick fans.
Howard said they did a study and found out that the sewer is 40 percent load and 60 percent doody.
Robin told Howard about a show that was right up his alley but Howard said he's not sure what his alley is.
Howard said Chris Wilding went out and did a study on phone sex. He said he found a guy who does it and makes six figures doing it. Howard said they're going to learn a lot. He said he has a new phony phone call to play and a musical radio bit about abortion. He said he's going to play that now. He said this is Musical Radio where everyone just sings when you're interviewed. Howard said this woman sings about being against abortion but then by the end of it she's for abortion.
Howard played the Musical Radio bit where they interviewed this woman about abortion and she said she's against abortion and it should be illegal. The host interviewed her asking about what forms of abortion should be illegal. By the end of it the woman was saying it should be the woman's choice.
Howard asked what that is. Robin asked if that was Memet's mother. Howard said that's not nice. Robin said this is what should happen at these rallies. She said maybe people can change. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said this guy is a mother fuckin' talent though. Robin said there's a new show called Song Land. Howard said it's pretty good. Robin said she might get into it. Howard said he got a preview of it. He said he liked it. He said they watch too much TV. Robin said that's how they live.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked for his reasoning on abortion. She said she doesn't get it. She said he's for abortion but he's a protector of animal rights. She asked why they don't abort these kittens. Howard said there are places that do that. He said he's not against that necessarily. Robin said they do euthanize kittens too. Howard said if they're born already then he's against that. The caller said they should abort all of the kittens then. Howard said if you're a reasonable human being you think about people who are already here. He said in a perfect world we wouldn't have mental issues and all of that. He said when he looks at the abortion issue he's a man. He said he doesn't have to carry around a baby for 9 months. He said if a woman is raped he doesn't think he'd want to carry around the fetus of a rapist. Robin said it can cause stress on the woman for 9 months and that can affect the baby too.
Howard said there are other situations too. He said it all boils down to children who are unwanted. He said that people who are against abortion are not philanthropic and they aren't helping take care of these unwanted kids. He said it's great in a perfect world but you have to have common sense.
Howard said his wife is pro choice but in her own life she would be against abortion for herself. He said he respects that. He said in the case of animals he and his wife have decided that a lot of animals don't have an advocate. He said there's an epidemic of maltreatment of animals. He said there was a story about some people who abused animals they got from North Shore. He said his wife went to the trial. He said it's a sad thing. He said they enjoy being an advocate. He said they do take in mother cats who are about to give birth. He said they're helping animals and it gives them great satisfaction.
Howard asked what her follow up is. The caller asked if it's enough time to decide up to 3 months. Howard said it takes 4 months before amniocentesis takes place. He said that a lot of young girls are confused too. He said 3 months isn't enough time. He said some girls don't know they're pregnant for months. The caller said she doesn't think almost full term abortions should take place. Howard said that's fine for her but for there women it's up to them. Howard said if it was a man getting an abortion they would have an abortion clinic on every block. He said men would not put up with it.
Howard asked the caller how many unwanted babies she's taken in. The caller said she hasn't had to make that decision. She said she doesn't get pregnant. Howard asked how many she has adopted since she's so concerned about fetuses. The caller said she'd love to if she had the money. Howard said if you don't then keep your yap shut. The caller said that Howard should get those kittens aborted then if that's how he feels. Howard said if she can afford Sirius she could afford some unwanted children.
Howard said don't call him about abortion. He said everyone knows how he feels. He said it's a boring conversation. He said this has been decided already. He said when he sees the pictures of the guys who are voting in Alabama they all have a similar look. Robin said a woman proposed it and the governor was a woman. Robin said they don't have any right over her and her body. Howard said he and Fred do.
Howard spun a fake wheel to figure out what to play. He came up with the Swap Shop phony phone call. He said one of the hosts was retiring so they called in to give their best wishes. Howard played the call and Sal and Richard called in to say goodbye to Dan the Man who was going to work at a water treatment plant. Sal was breaking down crying over the retirement. Richard called in crying as well and did a musical tribute to Dan. They called back after being hung up on and cried some more. The host said they're not going to make a mockery of this. They called in with a DJ impression talking up a song for Dan. The host was getting pissed about them calling in with all of these calls. He sounded really fed up by the end of the calls.
Howard said all of the WPLJ DJs are working at the water plant that Dan is going to. He said that business has a better future than radio does. He said this guy went to a water treatment center instead of staying in radio. Robin said he probably wanted to feed his family.
Howard said he got a physical copy of Rolling Stone. He said it's almost like a book now. He said it has a hard kind of cover on it. He said it's thicker paper now. He said he always had a subscription to the magazine. He said he was getting them free at the station so he gave up the subscription. He said he hadn't seen it in a long time. Robin said last she saw it the thing had shrunk. Howard said it grew again. He said he looks good on the cover like they talked about yesterday. He said he looks a little nasty but a little of everything else too. He said he looks tough but sensitive with the kittens. He said he never smiles because he looks like a dick. He said that's what he tells people who ask why he never smiles.
Howard said they got a lot of feedback about being back from vacation. He read through some of that feedback about them being back.
Howard said someone said that he's once in infinity kind of person and he may never be replaced even in 500 years. Howard said it would take a lot of things to create someone like him again. Robins said there is a frankness about him that's hard to come by.
Howard read more feedback about yesterday's show and said he really did want to go down to WPLJ and done something on the air. He could have talked up a song or something. He asked Fred to play something he can talk up. He asked for any rock song. Fred was taking too long so Howard said he's going to work at the water treatment plant.
Fred played a Pink Floyd song and Howard talked it up. Howard said he could have done something like that. He said people seemed to enjoy it. He said even Scott Shannon tweeted yesterday and said they heard him.
Howard said they got a lot of email about JD and his Amon Amarth talk. Howard said people were asking to have them on the show. They were also talking about how funny it was with the JD puppet. Howard said someone said that death metal is garbage and the singers are untalented and it ruins the guitar playing in the songs. Howard said he tends to agree. He said the musicianship is good. He said then they start croaking with that voice. Fred had one of the songs playing and Howard chuckled when he heard the singing.
Howard said JD's social media habits are stirring people up. Howard said people love hearing them bust his balls over it. He said he wasn't trying to do that though. He said he was trying to tell JD that he's going on social media following porn stars and hot chicks and liking their stuff. He said if he's doing that his wife can't like that. He read some feedback about that. Howard said he was asking JD about following someone and he told them to stop looking at his shit. Howard said if you don't want them looking at it then don't put it out there.
Howard read more email about JD and social media. Howard asked JD how his wife was with that. JD said she's fine. Howard asked if she said that he might have a good point. JD said she is fine with it all. Howard said she likes what he's doing on Twitter then. JD said yes. Robin asked if she likes what he likes. JD said he doesn't know.
Howard asked JD if his wife followed only guys in bathing suits and liked their pictures and talked about how hot they are. JD said she can do that if she wants. Howard said they all have big cocks and bulges. JD said it's fine. Howard said that's fair then. Robin asked if he follows his wife. JD said he does but he doesn't look at what she likes. Howard asked if he'd be okay with following the Dong Brothers. JD said that's fine.
Howard said he was talking to Gary about WPLJ and he was telling him how he feels about it and he didn't care. Gary said that they all give their opinions and Howard listens. Howard said he kind of cut Gary off about that. Gary said that's fine.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression. Sour Gary was talking about what WPLJ was all about. Howard said this is dead on just like what Gary was doing. Sour Gary was going on and on about the kind of music they played and things like that. Howard said this is exactly what was going on. Sour kept going with the impression and played some music as he was rambling like Gary.
Howard said a lot of fans were writing in about Sour Mariann who was on yesterday. Howard congratulated her on that. Sour went into his Mariann impression and said he got a call from the real Mariann who sent him ''noine'' buckets of popcorn for his birthday. Howard said one day he has to have Mariann and Sour Mariann on the phone so he can try to get Robin to tell him which is which. Robin said she had a hard time with it yesterday.
Howard got real Mariann on the line and had her plugging stuff. Sour Mariann was doing the same and it was hard to tell which was which. Howard had them going back and forth. He'd call out a name every couple of seconds. Howard thanked the two of them for calling in and let Mariann go.
Howard said he thinks Sour does all of the WPLJ DJs. He said he called in and left them on their answering machines. Howard asked Sour who he does. Sour warmed up and did some impressions of those DJs. Howard said that went on all day yesterday.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she had a family member who found out halfway through her pregnancy that the fetus had a terminal illness. Howard said she doesn't have to get into this. He said they get it. The caller said no one is going to change their mind on it. She said she did though when something happened in her family. Howard said everyone would do that.
Robin said she made a decision for herself and she never thought she had the right to tell someone else what to do. Howard said he's going to reward her for that. Robin said all of these people think they can tell others what to do with their body. Howard thanked the caller for the call and went to break.
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Howard said he had to pee too. He said he should finish the song and he'll go pee. Fred said there's 2 minutes left. Howard said he can do it. He went pee as the song finished. Fred played a Ronnie song parody since Howard was taking longer than the John Lennon song.
Howard came back and asked what happened. Fred said he didn't realized here was a walking thing at the end of the Lennon song. Howard said he did make it in time then. Fred said they were going simultaneously. Howard said get over there Robin, he needs protection. He said he understands Fred now. He said okay pal. He said he asked if he made it in time. He said Fred said he had 10 seconds but it turned out he didn't. Howard said he's fine though. Robin said she understood both of them.
Howard said he should have said he didn't make it. He said he should go work for a water treatment plant. He said don't follow him there. Fred said no problem.
Howard said he was watching Trump in England and thinking about how he used to sit on the striper couch there. He said he looked really big in that outfit he was wearing. Robin said she wants to know who picks his clothes. Howard said he has to get out or this presidency is going to kill him. He said he used to have so much fun. He said he has to be miserable. He said he used to have a really nice life. He said he could do what he wanted. He said now he's president.
Howard said the guy on Jeopardy lost. He said this guy James Holzhauer finally lost. He said that whole leak really pissed him off. He said it pisses him off because he wouldn't have known if the papers hadn't said the video was leaked. He said then he was thinking Jeopardy put it out to get the word out to watch.
Howard said Richard is such a weirdo that he cried when the guy lost. He said he doesn't get that. He said he has to know why he cried. Howard said Richard is so weird. He said Will told him that Richard is scratching his head and it turns out he had a spider on him and he thinks it's still there even though it's gone. He said the whole thing is weird. He said Richard allowed a spider to crawl on him for a long time. Robin asked for someone to get his son while Richard is at work.
Howard had Richard come in to explain why he was crying. Richard came in and explained the spider thing first. He said he had a spider on him and he let it crawl on him and then it went into his shirt. He said he feels it's on his head but it isn't. He said he keeps feeling it's on him. He said it could still be on him for all he knows. He said it's probably eating the other bugs that are on him.
Richard said both he and his wife cried over the Jeopardy thing. Howard said he thinks the guy just lost and that's it. He said there were people thinking that he didn't want Ken Jennings to lose his record. Richard said that's not what he was thinking. He said it is weird that he lost right before beating Ken Jennings. He said the amount he bet was weird. He said there are so many theories out there. Howard said Richard was the one who put that Ken Jennings theory out there. Richard said maybe he did. He said he did hear that he was tired and he wanted to go home.
Howard said there are so many theories out there. He said Jon Heinz's theory is that Jeopardy rigged it so this really good female player would beat James right before Ken Jennings record was beaten. Robin asked what it is that makes them stick with Ken Jennings. Howard said he has no idea.
Richard said he heard some of the writers for Jeopardy didn't like the way James was playing. He said players in the future are going to play his way. Jon said the woman wrote a 70 page thesis on Jeopardy so they knew she was going to do well.
Howard said the spider in Richard's brain is on the phone. He took the call and one of the guys was doing a voice of the spider who said he's in Richard's ear now so he's going to lay his eggs in there. Howard said it must be nice and empty in there.
Howard said Richard let a spider crawl on him. Richard said he likes spiders because they eat other bugs. He said he used to teak flies and threw them into a spider web to see the spiders eat them.
Howard took a call from High Register Sean who had a theory on the Jeopardy thing. He said this guy believes in dog men. Sean said that if he tells someone that a shark is going to attack do they get upset. Howard said no but this is something imaginary. He said sharks are real. Sean said ''nope.'' Howard said he's the only one who has seen them. Sean said he sent Shuli a picture from the other night. Howard said he bets it's blurry. Sean said they only come out at night. He said he doesn't have stadium illumination in his yard.
Shuli came in and asked which picture it was because he sends them all the time. Howard said he doesn't even want to see it. Shuli had a picture and Howard took a look. He told him to show it to Robin. Robin asked if that's their proof. Sean said they were hiding behind a tree. Howard asked why he's the only one who has seen them. Sean said he's not. Howard asked who else has seen them. Sean said there are hundreds of sightings. Sean said his wife doesn't have an open mind for this stuff. Howard said no one else does either.
Howard asked what his theory is on Jeopardy. Sean said you have to think about the angle here and why he'd throw the match. He said there are a couple of possibilities. He said maybe someone is extorting his family behind the scenes. Howard said he thinks someone threatened his family? Sean said there has been a lot of family talk lately and something may be going on.
Howard asked if it's exhausting to think everything is a conspiracy in life. He said maybe just think that he got beaten. He said he doesn't have this in his life. He said it has to be easier to think like he does. Sean said it's terrifying not to think this way. He said he doesn't want to be force fed what the media is putting out there.
Howard asked why someone would threaten his family. Sean said this is just a theory and he's not positive of this. He said it just came up last night. Howard said he isn't gathering evidence. He said he's just contemplating. He said he should write a novel about this. He said that would be interesting. He said he could write a book about an alternate universe where this happens. He said they could force him to throw it in the book.
Sean said the problem is that people like Howard are afraid he's right. Robin asked Sean who this would benefit. Sean said that's the question. Howard said the irony is that these guys all are into conspiracy theories other than Russia meddling in the election. He said these guys don't believe that even though it's actually happening.
Fred did his High Register Sean impression for a minute. Shuli said he's going up to his house soon and they're going to go out at night. Howard said his guess is that they won't find anything. Richard said they're going to step in dog man shit. Fred did his impression of Sean again.
Howard said he's just making this shit up. Sean said there's a second possibility and he set it up to be able to bet against himself and cash in. Howard said he'll think about that. He said he's already won $2.5 million and he's going to bet against himself. Shuli said that no one is going to take a big bet on something that was pre-taped. Sean said you can find off shore betting for just about anything. Howard said not for Jeopardy. Richard said he thinks he already had a lot of money before Jeopardy.
Howard said this woman just came in and beat the pants off him. Howard asked if he goes to a baseball game and thinks it's fixed. Sean said yes. He said he doesn't watch TV anymore because it's so contrived. He said sporting events and everything. Howard said this is mental illness. Sean said he's fine. Shuli said he has code words so he knows that he's talking to the right person. Shuli said he doesn't even ask him what the code word is though. Howard said maybe he's a shape shifter. He asked how he knows he's the right Shuli that's going to show up at his house. Shuli said he's going to wand him.
Howard asked what age he was when he started believing this stuff. He guessed it was around high school graduation. Sean said that's about right. He said it was in 1992 or so. Howard said the reasons he guessed that is because most psychotic breakdowns occur at the time of transition into adulthood. He said this is when people are going into college or the military. Howard said that's how he knew. Sean said he didn't break. Howard said he did break and he's a broken man. He said he might be in a psychotic state. He said he's seeing dog men. Robin said he's testing Shuli and even Shuli doesn't want to be Shuli.
Howard told Sean to think about it. He said he thinks he's like Maxwell Smart. He said he thinks he's the most important person on the planet but he's the least important. Shuli said he asks him if he's part of a government agency every time he talks to him. He said he has to say no. Howard said so what if he is. He asked what's going to happen. Sean said that if he doesn't say it and he wasn't truthful about it then he's not going to implicate himself in it. Howard said the government doesn't give a fuck about him. Sean said if you look at social media and how conspiracy theories are getting kicked off then you know something is going on. Howard said they kick off people who make shit up and write stuff that's slanderous and libelous. He said people are getting their information from those places and they have to be somewhat responsible. He said it's not the wild west. He said that's what's going on.
Sean said they're being kicked off for being concerned about their surroundings. Howard took a call from fake Sean's daughter. She was stammering and stuttering like Sean as she talked to her dad about what's going on. She said there are only pictures of dog men in the house and none of her. Howard said she sounds just like her dad. Sean said this is ridiculous. Sean's daughter put her boyfriend on the phone and he was barking like a dog. Howard said she's with a dog man. Sean said dog men don't bark. He said they've been over this. Sean said he hopes whoever this is has a tracking device in their neck and it short circuits and kills the bitch.
Howard said he hopes they don't have puppy children. The daughter said she missed her period. She said he's going to be a grand puppy. Howard asked if this is Sean's daughter. Sean said she's not. Howard said he has to say goodbye to her then. He let her go a short time later.
Shuli said Sean sent him a podcast about dog men and it's impossible to get through. Howard said it's like the Weekly World News where they had fake stories like that. Sean said that the US Navy said there are UFOs. Robin said that is true. Howard said what they're talking about is seeing things in the sky they don't have an explanation for. He said that doesn't mean they're from a different planet. Sean said it's the first step in admitting there is other crap from other planets. Howard said when they don't have an explanation for something they mark it as a UFO.
Howard said when he was a young man the movie E.T. came out. He said then here was that other movie that Steven Spielberg put out called Close Encounters. He said the story was that Steven and some other people were visited by aliens. He said Steven told them that if they're real then they have to get him a parking spot on the street in New York City. He said Steven got the spot and he knew there were aliens. He said the aliens asked him to prepare the world for them to land so they had him make these movies. He said they were like training films for mankind. He said he heard that and thought it was a funny story to hear around the camp fire. He said these stories are made up. He said this story has been going around since he was a little kid.
Howard said this is how religion stated. He said they made up stories to make it easy for people to deal with death. Robin said they tried to have control by praying to something. Howard said they made up a guy who is going to punish bad people in the afterlife. He said just separate fun from fantasy. Sean said he agrees that religion was created to control civilization but why is it so hard to believe that aliens came here and placed us here. Howard said don't engage Sean in this stuff when Shuli goes to visit.
Howard said the whole thing is that every day Sean asks for code words to make sure he's not a shape shifter. Sean said that he doesn't think he is one but he sends him stuff to make sure that they're not going to fall into the wrong hands. He said the stuff he sends is sensitive. Howard asked what he sends to him that's so secretive. Shuli said he's not sure if he can share that. Sean said they're pictures but not of his penis. Howard asked what he sends him. Shuli said he'll take a look. Robin said it's nothing that stands out. Shuli said he thinks this is a dog man miscarriage. He showed it to Howard. Howard said that looks like someone dumped a paper bag. Sean said it is an animal. Howard said bring it to a lab then. Sean said he can't do that.
Howard said life is so much more exciting when you make garbage into dog man remnants. Robin said he's digging through garbage and poop.
Howard said he has Meep Zorp on the phone. He picked up and it sounded like the spider in Richard's head. He was saying that they are not going to invade the planet later today and eat all their brains. Meep said that they are not shooting laser beams at their planet right now either. Meep had laser sounds playing. Howard said this is first contact so does Sean want to say something. Sean said that he's glad that threats against mankind are being taken so seriously. Howard asked Sean to say something to Meep Zorp. Sean told him to go away. Howard let Meep Zorp go after that.
Shuli said Sean said that Jussie Smollett proves there is an Illuminati. Howard said is that right. Sean said he's been protesting for this for months. Howard asked what he's protesting and where. Sean said he protested to the state department and state police of Illinois. He said the D.A. of the case too. He said he's been on a massive email blast too. Howard said he really has to go. Sean said he didn't say that he single handedly did it.
Howard said he was talking about Jeopardy. He said this guy James just lost to a woman who was very good at it. He said he isn't going to think about it or lose any sleep over it.
Richard said one of the guys in the back through that because James gave a card to Alex Trebeck that Alex may have made the announcement the day before and James was all frazzled from his announcement. Howard asked him to say it like Sean. He asked Sean what he thinks of that theory. Sean said that has a realm of possibility. He said he doesn't know. Richard said uh oh... He agrees with him. Sean said they could have taken him out to have a head to head with Ken Jennings and this new chick. He said she may do very well too. Robin said they don't have to take him out of it though. Sean said they do so they can get that other woman in there.
Howard took a call from a woman who lives in the woods. She said that what Sean is saying is just crazy. She said there are no dog men. Howard asked her to look out the window now. She said she only sees birds. She said the real threat is the Jews. She said if she sees any in her yard she'll let Howard know. Howard said he thinks she was being facetious.
Shuli said Sean also thinks that the climbers who are getting killed are being killed by yeti. That set Sean off again. Howard said he just had to say yeti and that got him going. Shuli said today's code word which was Gargoyle. Richard asked if they're real. Sean said he doesn't trust Richard.
Howard asked how big Sean is. Sean said get out of here. He said he's just big enough. Shuli said he's going to see it when they're out camping. He said he has to cover every angle of this.
Howard had the guys in the back playing clips of Bigfoot. He told Sean it was a yeti. Howard said he has to go. He let Sean go. He wondered why he's not at work.
Shuli said that he's all set to go up to visit Sean. He said that he has met his wife before. He said they've come to his shows before. He said she's a very nice woman. Shuli said this is a total mystery to him. Richard said they should put a tracker on Shuli just in case. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said that guy was a judge on The Voice or something. Fred said it was CeeLo Green. Howard said that's who's singing. Howard said he's going to try to get up there. He sang some of the high notes in the song. Robin said Howard sings like High Register Sean thinks.
Howard said he didn't get to get to the Chris Wilding stuff today. He said he'll get to the Cardi B stuff now. He said everyone knows Cardi B. He said she's on social media and has nearly 45 million followers on Instagram. Robin said she has good content. She said content is king.
Howard said there was a picture going around where people thought they could see her pussy. He said she went off on those people in this clip. Howard played that one and Cardi said this is her ass and not her pussy. She was showing the part of the body that gives the dick comfort.
Howard said that stuff just flows out of her. He said she said that's where she births her butter.
Howard played another clip where Cardi B was asking people not to yell out her name. She said just come up to her and say hello. She said you don't have to yell at her. She said that they always ask her what she's doing out and she tells them she's doing the same thing they are. Howard said he gets that too.
Howard played another clip of Cardi B talking about people following her to the bathroom and she won't take pictures with them because she's taking a shit. Howard said her asshole is trying to relax.
Howard said he's never shit in public. He said his body must freak out. He said he's too nervous to do that. Robin said Cardi B must be relaxed.
Howard said in this clip Cardi B talks about how she may not be listening to you if you talk to her because she's listening to the voice in her head. He played that clip and Cardi B talked about the voice in her head and why people think she's not talking to them.
Howard said he gets that with Gary. He said any song that she puts out won't be better than her social media feed. He said if you have that many followers you can make money. He said she must have advertisers and shit. Howard played a Dr. Phil/Cardi B bit after that. Howard said he likes that. He said he's going to tune in.
Apples asked if he ever got The Avengers Endgame. Howard said he didn't get that. He said he didn't see Captain Marvel either. He said he got it but never watched it.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said when you're black and you grow up in a wealthy family they make you feel bad about it. Robin asked who this ''they'' is. King said it was people in the neighborhood. He was comparing himself to Cardi B. Howard said he has to go. He said he's making him nervous too. Howard said he didn't need to pick up on him.
Howard said he was thinking about Cardi B and the 45 million followers. He said they'll get into some more stuff tomorrow with Chris. He said James Corden will be in tomorrow too.
Chris said he would have loved to have gone out with Ralph but he didn't feel comfortable reaching out to him. Howard said that's a shame. Chris said he feels like Ralph is going through something and he's projecting it on him.
Howard said Chris has a big segment coming up tomorrow. He said this is to tickle everyone's ass with a feather. He said he went out and followed some dude who does phone sex. Chris said he might be the best phone sex operator ever. He said he did this over 2 years ago. He said he's making almost double what he was making back then. He said he's not gay but his whole clientele is gay or secretly gay. He said he pretends to be an Alpha Master. He said they demand it from him. He said they want to be dehumanized and called fags and stuff. He said he calls himself Fag Tamer Steve.
Howard said Chris was in the phone sex field years ago and he refused to call guys ''fags'' so he didn't make that much. Chris said he made like 3 grand in a month.
Howard said this is a teaser. He played a clip of Chris following Steve around and he takes a call from a guy who wants to be berated. He got 5 bucks for about 30 seconds of work. Howard said this goes on every minute. Chris said it's a 24 hour operation. He said they sell underwear and things like that. He said they want shit, piss and cum in the underwear.
Howard played another clip of Chris talking to Steve about what he gets paid for that kind of stuff.
Howard played a clip of this guy and his wife doing their phone sex thing. This time the wife took a call and did a phone sex call where she was moaning and yelling out ''daddy'' a lot.
Howard asked if they know how much they made from that. Chris said they know from the service. He said he's only been offline for like 2 days in the past 5 years. He said that what he does is more niche so he charges more for it. He said the guy controls it all.
Howard played another clip of Chris talking to this guy Steve about his different characters.
Chris said he was doing a podcast a couple of years ago and he was taking calls and doing the same kind of thing. He said he was making so much money doing that so he kept it going after the podcast. He said he didn't feel comfortable calling guys a fag though. He said it goes so much beyond that word. He said they want to be cash raped too. He said the guys let Steve drain their bank account down to zero.
Howard said Steve took a call in a department store while he was out with Chris. Howard played that clip and Steve took the call in the store and went into a fitting room and did the phone sex thing with the caller.
Howard laughed after hearing that. Chris said he can tell you which aisle is best in Walmart for taking a call like that. He said he parks as far away from the place as possible so he can take the call privately.
Howard said Chris went out to eat with Steve and some guy called and paid for the whole bill. Howard played that clip and Steve took the call from the guy and told him he was going to pay his bill for him. The guy wanted to pay the bill for his master. Chris said they didn't pay for one bill the whole weekend.
Chris said that Steve had an appendectomy recently and he was taking calls right up until he went into the operating room. Howard said the house has been paid for by these guys. Chris said the house needs some work but it's nice inside.
Howard played another clip of Chris talking to Steve about the stuff guys have bought for him. He said this is the house that fags built. Chris said the slaves were a big part of the phone sex thing. He said he had guys who wanted that from him.
Howard said Steve has an outdoor hot tub that someone bought for him. He said he even has a fake picture he uses for himself instead of his own.
Howard said Chris got into it with Steve in one call. Chris said they were pretending they were Alpha buddies taking the call. Howard played that clip and Steve and Chris were acting like they were in the hot tub that the guy bought for Steve.
Howard said they're like Abbott and Costello. Howard said the world is really dark. Robin said it really is. Chris said believe it or not this guy cares about all of these guys. He said he does a really good job.
Howard said Steve is up all night taking calls and most are between 4 and 9am. He had another clip of Steve talking to a guy who likes to be Batman while Steve is playing the part of Joker.
Howard said this is crazy. Chris said he thought this one was bullshit but he has tapes of this guy going back years and years.
Howard said a lot of these guys seem to be angry at their penis. He he has a story about a guy who shoved a crucifix in his pee hole. Howard played that one next.
Howard said the most disturbing call they got was from AIDS guy. He wants Steve to kill him by infecting him with AIDS. Howard played that disturbing clip next.
Howard said he could invent other things to spread. Chris said there are guys who are bug chasers and want that stuff. He said it really is a dark world out there.
Howard played a clip of a customer talking about how Steve has changed his life and he doesn't really want this stuff but over the phone it's all fair game. He said he wants to give his money to someone who cares about his craft like Steve does.
Chris said he spoke to a few of these guys and they all said the same thing. He said people love this guy.
Howard said not everyone is a fan. He said his biggest critic of Steve is his mom. He had a clip of Chris talking to Steve's mom who said that her husband looked at pornography and she thinks that he absorbed that energy when she was around it.
Howard said Steve wanted to coach Chris in this so he has some audio of that. Howard played the clip of Steve telling Chris how to do it.
Howard said that Steve asked Chris to become Tommy the Twink. Chris said that he asked him to be his supervisor like he owns a business doing this stuff. Chris picked up the phone and pretended to be Tommy the Twink. The guy told him to gargle his piss so Chris gargled some water for him.
Chris said that most of the calls end with the guy making a weird noise. Howard said Chris wasn't that good in that. Chris said he's a better alpha than a Twink.
Howard said Steve has some callers who want to be called the N-word but he won't do that. He calls them fags though. Steve said he's not sure why he can say that word and not the N-word. He talked about doing other characters and maybe coming up with other ''tamer'' characters.
Howard played another clip of Steve talking about why he does what he does and how he brings it hard when he does. Howard asked if Chris admires this guy. Chris said that the guy was going to lose his house and they figured out how to turn this whole phone sex into a lucrative business. He said he doesn't admire the ''fag'' part of the calls. He said that some of these guys are lonely. Howard said Jeff the Drunk should be able to do this. Chris said it would be great for High Pitch Erik. He said he's always threatening people.
Howard thanked Chris for the report. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he has done all of these interviews about how he's changed but he hears this and he really hasn't grown up.
Robin started off the news with a story about Adam Levine leaving The Voice. Howard said he would have told him to stick it out. Robin said Adam announced he was leaving because of some of the changes they made to the show. Howard said that can't be true. Robin said he may be doing another show for NBC. Robin said she's going to be replaced by Gwen Stefani. Howard said Adam was supposed to sing for the Upfronts and Paul Telegdy got upset about him not dancing around enough. He said he's not sure if that's true or not. He said maybe he's just had enough of the show. Howard said when he retires Gwen Stefani is going to take over for him too.
Robin read a story about a story that was out about the sexual antics about Dr. Martin Luther King. Robin said he was highly observed by the FBI when his rise to fame was happening. Robin said they were trying to find communist ties to King. Robin said in that process they found out that he had a voracious sexual appetite. Robin said they say he could have had affairs with 40 women. Robin said one of the details was about how he may have watched a male minister friend of his rape a woman. Robin said he may have offered advice to that man while he was raping that woman. Robin said these are tapes from the FBI that were out there to smear him. Robin said that Joan Baez was one of the women mentioned in the list of women that he may have had an affair with. Robin said the tapes will be released but not until 2027. She said this may change things with him and they may have to take down statues and street names with his name on them.
Howard took a call from Blue Iris clips who said she has four fingers up her wet cunt now. She was calling in to talk about sex with Martin Luther King. The guys just had her talking about touching herself and talking about sex.
Robin read more about the Martin Luther King story and what the FBI was supposedly doing back then. Robin said no one has been able to listen to those tapes yet.
Robin read a story about the evangelical ministers who are very into President Trump. Robin said he walked off a golf course and prayed with a minister. Howard said he was still in his golf shoes. Robin had some audio of the dipshit talking about how god put Trump in office for them. Robin said the minister had to apologize after doing that. Robin wasn't sure what he did wrong.
Robin read a story about Franklin Graham asking for a national day of prayer for the President. Robin said Jim Bakker had something to buy on his show. Robin had some audio of him talking about this Trump coin they were selling. They were saying that this is their point of contact for them. The guy was rambling about the coin that they were charging $45 for. Howard said a side benefit of that coin is that it wards off dog men. The dude was going on and on about how this coin is going to help save them. Howard said that's a crazy pitch. He said the coin was really weird looking too. He said it's not even a good picture of Trump.
Robin read a story about a couple that was having a picnic in Gainesville, Florida and it was invaded by a giant alligator. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about the gator coming up and stealing a big block of cheese. Howard asked who brings a block of cheese to a picnic. Howard said he and Beth are going to go hiking and bring snacks. He said maybe he'll bring a block of cheese. Robin said the gator went back into the water after the guy made himself look really large by raising his arms.
Robin read a story about a Smoothie King that's closing in North Carolina. Howard said he likes smoothies but that's a meal for him. He said some people eat that before lunch and then eat a lunch. Robin said she brought up the store closing because they were writing racial slurs on customer receipts. Robin said that one black guy got one that said ''N-word to go.'' Robin said an Asian man got one that said ''Jackie Chan to go.''
Robin read a story about a girl who was in a video in black face. Robin said she was 14 years old and they're not sure what to do about it. Howard said have a conversation with her. He said she's a dopey kid. Howard said you can just have a discussion with a kid that young.
Robin read a story about a man who grew up in foster care and was never expected to do well. Robin said he found football and loved it. Robin said he suffered a concussion from that and he was told not to play again. Robin said he developed a helmet that shows when you do get a concussion. Robin said this kid is 17 years old. She had some audio of the kid talking about how he was told he'd never make it past 15. Robin said he's now at an Intel science fair showing off this helmet. Howard said he developed a helmet that had a Water Pik in it so he could spray down Gary's teeth whenever he wanted to.
Robin read a story about the President being over in England and being treated to a formal state banquet at Buckingham Palace. Robin had Howard play a clip from the event where the queen was talking about celebrating the partnership they have with the United States.
Robin said the President attacked the mayor of London via Twitter. Robin said Mayor de Blasio was saying that was an attack on Muslims. Robin had some audio of de Blasio talking about that.
Robin said Mayor Pete Buttigieg was asked why they should vote for him over the 6 women running. Robin had his reaction to that. Pete said that he will support that person even if they don't support him. He said they should have a woman in the oval office now.
Robin read a story about Baltimore's new mayor who has an idea of how to stop gun violence. Robin had some audio of him talking about having boxing matches instead of gun fights. Howard said he likes having them joust. He said that's what he'd like to see.
Robin asked how old you are when its embarrassing to be living at home. Howard said he's going to be generous and say 23. He said you're a fucking loser if you can't get out of your parent's house. Robin said they say that it's actually 28 when it starts to get embarrassing. Howard said he's thinking 23. He said go get a job. He said he was making $96 a week when he moved out. He said he didn't have TV in his place but he was out of his parent's house. He said there's no shame anymore. He said the age is probably 20 actually. He said come on.
Robin read a story about Marlon (Robin said Damon) Wayans having to go on social media to defend his daughter who has come out. Robin said they tell her she's not old enough to know her sexuality. Robin said Marlon went on and said he wouldn't change a thing about her and then he was being trolled over that. Robin said this is why we need a gay pride month.
Robin read a story about a news anchor who announced her engagement on a newscast. Robin had some audio of her announcing the engagement. Robin said this is Megan Fitzgerald. She said she's on NBC. Howard asked if she's hot. Robin said she is very pretty. Robin said she didn't see the fiancee. Howard said he has to examine pictures.
Robin corrected herself about the Damon Wayans story. She said it was actually Marlon Wayans.
Robin read a story about the most watched shows on Netflix. Howard said it has to be Bad Blood. Robin asked about before that what he thinks. Howard said he has no idea but maybe that ''Kissing Booth'' movie. Robin said that the reruns of The Office and Friends are the most watched things on there. Howard said he should get Son of the Beach on there. Robin said Netflix is in fear of losing those shows. She said they may want to show them on their own streaming service.
Robin read a story about the Charles Manson follower Leslie Van Houten being denied parole. Robin read some details about who was blocking that release. Robin said she doesn't think these people should ever be released.
Robin read a story about some people who got ill down in Fiji and one of them died. Robin said they got ill and went to a hospital but one of them died. Howard asked why he would go there. Robin said that it's beautiful. Howard said so is Florida. He said he loves it down there.
Robin read a story about the movie Rocketman. She asked if Howard wants to see that. Howard said sure. Robin said she's not sure if it has the potential that Bohemian Rhapsody did. Robin said in Russia they wanted to edit it because Elton is gay and they're anti gay in Russia. Robin read about the movie and what it's about. Howard said in Russia he's not gay. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was just reading his radio newsletter again. He said they were talking about Humble Harve Miller passing away. He said he read about him and he was stunned when he read some of the article. He said he read that he murdered his wife in 1971. He said that woke you up. He said he spent time in prison for manslaughter. He said he only did 14 months for murdering her. Robin said she did cheat. Howard said that's what they said. Howard said she pulled a gun during an argument and he turned it on her and she shot herself or something like that.
Howard said it seems like the guy had a good time in prison. He said he had a radio station in there. He said it was a comical kind of thing.
Jon Hein came in with some details about Harve. Howard said that story is wild. He only did 14 months and then he was paroled. Jon said that he got a job right after that and he was on every station in L.A. Howard said he must have been some disc jockey if they hired a murderer.
Howard had some audio of Humble Harve from 1966. He played that and Harve was rambling and talking like a DJ. Howard said this top 40 mumbling he hears he's not sure what that is. He said he's not sure what that talk up was. Jon said it may have been the style of the day. Howard said they were just into their deep voices. He said it was just the sound. Howard said he knew he didn't have that sound so he knew he had to say something funny or witty.
Howard said the guy probably did a full confession and they didn't know what he was saying. He said the talk ups are cheap because he's hitting the post and just stops talking. Fred played some songs and Howard talked them up like Harve.
Howard said Harve filled in for Casey Kasem in 1974. Jon said that was right after he got out of prison. Howard said imagine someone did that today. He said the guy killed his wife and got better jobs. Howard played a clip of Casey announcing he had Humble Harve filling in for him that day. Robin said no one is talking about the murder.
Howard said he would have gotten out of prison and talked about how he had the most dangerous man on the dial. He talked himself up like he had killed his wife.
Howard played more of Harve on America's Top 40. He did more of his impression of Harve introducing songs and talking about murdering his wife. Howard had Fred play some music for him to talk up. He did that for a few songs and mentioned killing his wife in each talk up. Fred had gun shot sounds he played during the talk ups. Howard was working the lyrics into the shooting talk.
Howard played a clip from 1990 when Humble Harve introduced a song. Howard said his style changed over the years. He did more of his impression of Harve doing that. Robin said that Howard would get arrested because people can understand what he's saying. Howard did more of that impression and had him talking about his wife being a pain in the ass but now she's under the grass.
Howard played another clip of Harve and wondered if he ever married again. Robin said women dated OJ and Claus von Bulow. Jon said they say he found religion in prison. Howard said a lot of guys do that.
Howard asked Fred for another song to talk up. Fred played a song and Howard talked it up like Humble Harve. He was talking them all up with mentions of killing his wife. He said she gave lousy head so now she's dead and things like that. He had that as their phrase of the day.
Howard said he was fascinated by this story. He said he likes to see how they handle this kind of death in the papers. Robin said he won't have a murder in the middle of his life. Howard said he won't. Fred played another song for Howard to talk up. Howard did another talk up as Humble Harve. Howard asked how you put away a guy who just wants to entertain you.
Howard said he'd like to know how he got that gig with Casey Kasem. He said he thought he was a peace loving guy. Robin said he wasn't paying attention to who was hired to replace him. Howard said he finds that guy's voice kind of scary. He played another clip of Harve introducing a song. He was talking about winning some money and how that's a lot of dead presidents. They had Sam Kinison in one clip talking about Harve and saying he's the best.
Howard said the guy must have been so good at it that they hired him. He said how about that Sam Kinison thing. Robin said Sam never told them about Harve. Howard said he never did. Robin said he was cheating on them.
Howard talked up another song. He mentioned the dead wife in that one too. He said he caught her sucking cock and now she's in a pine box. He said he caught her fucking a creep and now she's six feet deep.
Howard said he should have played it up like that. He said he could have mentioned she turned blue and here's Blue Oyster Cult. Howard said he only did 14 months for that. Robin wondered if he waited for her to die before calling anyone.
Howard did another talk up of a song and talked about how great The Cars were. Howard let their song ''Just What I Needed'' play a bit. He talked over that as Harve. Howard said what a song.
Howard asked Fred to stop with the songs or they'll be there doing this all day. He talked up one more song which was ''Love Hurts.''
Howard said that Humble Harve was something else. Robin said he didn't let that affect his job.
Howard asked the caller what she wanted to say. The caller said that Howard is shot out of a cannon this morning. She said she's not sure what he did last night or this morning. Howard said he is shot out of a cannon this morning but he didn't do anything unusual. He said he got into bed and watched another 3 or 4 episodes of ''Bad Blood'' on Netflix. He said it makes him so happy. He said it's a guy just killing people all the time. He said he's the head of the Mafia and he lives in a dirt shack. He said he's not sure where all of his money is. He said he's not sure how that happens.
Howard said the guy owes the Mexican cartel $5 million. He said you'd think he could come up with that money as the head of the Mafia. He said they must make money. Robin said some of them do. Robin said El Chapo had people building tunnels for him.
Howard said he watched that and then fell asleep. Robin said maybe it was just that story about Harve killing his wife and only getting 14 months. Howard said he should be more calm the rest of the show.
Howard said he brought in the shirt that Memet made for him. He said it's worse than he thought. He said he does wanted to show it to Robin though.
Howard said he'd never wear a shit that says Michelle Obama is a loser. He said it says he's number 1 on the NY Times Best Seller List on the front and the Obama thing on the back. Howard said this is how fucked up Memet is.
Howard showed Robin the shirt and pointed out how the ''I'm'' is way too big. He said that the number 1 should be the big thing. Howard asked why you'd make half the shirt ''I'm.'' Robin said people will only see that.
Howard showed Robin the back of the shirt. He said it's a picture of Michelle Obama and it says ''Becoming a Loser'' with her book cover on it. Robin said it has a ''loser'' stamp on it. Howard said he's off his rocker. He thanked Memet for getting him a gift. Robin said it is the thought that counts they say. Howard said that's right. Howard said he thinks Memet wants him to walk around and get the shit beaten out of him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Memet to make him a shirt with OJ Was Right and a Humble Harve picture on the back. He said Harve was OJ's golf partner too. He was joking about that.
Gary said that Memet said he never intended for Howard to wear the shirt. Memet said he should wear it with a jacket. Memet came into the studio and said he hates getting on Gary's camera because you look bad.
Memet said that it's meant to be worn amongst friends. Howard said lets say there's an emergency and he has to take the jacket off. Memet said it's a funny shirt. He said he's sure that people at the Seinfeld party would have found it funny. Howard said he's not sure if he's for real or not. Memet said he is. Howard said he's making this whole thing so douchy. He said it's great to be on the best seller list but this is making it douchy. Memet said inside he has to be like '"Fuck yeah!'' Howard said he's really not. Howard said he would never wear that Michelle Obama thing on his back. Memet said that's because everyone is so uptight.
Howard asked Memet why he would make the ''I'm'' so big on the shirt. Memet said he did that because he's point out that he's number 1 and not Michelle Obama. Howard said how about ''I'm thinking Memet's nuts.'' Memet said people will want to find out what's on the shirt when they see the big letters.
Howard read some of the feedback about Memet. Memet said that email is so distorted. He said people tell him different things. Howard asked who in the office liked the shirt. Memet said some people though it wasn't lame. Howard asked who said that. Memet said Will said that he voted no about the shirt thinking they were asking if they were taking a vote about Howard wearing it. Will said he said that he thought it would be lame for Howard to wear it. He said he loves Memet though. Howard asked why Memet is saying this.
Howard said Ronnie lectured him on how dangerous it is. He said Ronnie asked what color the shirt is. He said it's black with white letters and he was going ''Whoa!'' Will said it has a bullseye target on her head. Memet said it just says she's a loser. Howard said he doesn't want to wear that. He said he would wear that to a KKK meeting.
Ronnie came in and asked Memet to imagine wearing that on the street. Memet said that they would know it was Howard saying he's number 1. Ronnie said maniacs would throw rocks at his head or shoot him over that. Memet asked if people at the Jerry Seinfeld party would laugh at it. Ronnie said they'd throw him into the street over that.
Howard asked Will if he thinks Memet has gained a few pounds. Will said he thinks he has. He said he thinks he feels comfortable with the girlfriend and he's letting himself go. Memet said it's the opposite. He said muscle weighs more than fat. He said he has a stomach but the rest of him looks good.
Memet said he wants to get a summer body thing going there but no one wants to be part of it. Gary said Brent said he'd be in it in a second. Gary said Chris Wilding said he has a spare tire. Memet said he has 5 pounds he could get rid of in a week. Will said it's 20 pounds. Gary said Sal and Richard are willing to take him on now. Memet then said he'd need a month to take care of it.
Howard said Memet was talking to the guy who compiles the email and asking if there was just one positive thing in there. Memet said that they'd get at least one thing defending Hitler but he never gets anything. Howard read some of that email and people were asking why he works there and things like that.
Howard said someone just wrote ''cunt'' over and over about Memet. Howard read another email from someone who had never written to the show before until now. She said Memet reminds her of Trump.
Memet said he would have chosen whoever was number one to put on that shirt. Howard said a lot of people came to her defense in the email. Howard read more of the comments about Memet and the problems he has. Memet was defending his shirt saying that he knows Michelle Obama isn't a loser. He said that's what's funny about it.
Howard said they also revealed that Memet wanted to do an assisted suicide bit with Pete Davidson. Howard read some feedback they got about that.
Howard said Memet took a huge hit between that shirt and the Pete Davidson bit. Memet said he strongly stands by saying that if the shirt came from anyone else then Howard would have been fine with it. Memet said he heard Gary talking about how gifts coming from different people does mean different things to Howard.
Will said that Howard got a picture from Jimmy Kimmel and he said he wasn't going to hang it in his house. Memet said this was not a bad gift. He said they're just way too uptight. Howard said it's a douche bag shirt. Memet said it's tongue in cheek. He said if you're walking in Harlem or somewhere like that. Robin said he thinks he knows what other people are thinking. She said they're not going to think what he thinks. Robin said Howard is not going to wear something to incite a riot.
Howard said he just wants to be himself when he's off the air. He said he's not going to wear something to get a laugh. Robin said only Yucko wears a clown suit. Howard asked why he'd want to wear something like that to the Seinfeld party. Memet said they used to be funny people. He said they would have laughed at something like that but today they probably wouldn't.
Memet said no one brags about being number 1 but they want to. He said that's why it's funny. Robin said this isn't the first time Howard has been number 1. Howard told Robin there's no need to get heated over this. Robin said this guy is roaming around the halls. She said she worried for him. Robin said he comes into meetings with him. Howard said not anymore.
Howard said one of the things he will advise you is that if you have to explain the shirt to people and explain the joke then it's probably not the most thought out thing.
Memet said he knows he's got a higher IQ and he's working on a higher plane. Robin said maybe he should go work for someone who is up there with him. She said she hopes his plane crashes. Howard asked who he would like to work for. Memet said he doesn't know where he goes from here. He said they're all lame. Robin said he hasn't found anyone on his plane.
Howard said he has to admit he's wrong about the ''I'm'' thing on the shirt. Memet said he likes it and it's a good design choice. Howard said this shirt is going to become a dish rag. Memet said it's a $45 dish rag then. He said he's sure that no one has given him anything like that. Howard said congratulations on graduating therapy.
Howard asked about the therapy and how long it lasted. Memet said it was 7 months of intensive therapy. He said he went once a week. Howard said he likes how he thinks he's cured. Memet said there are people who could use his therapist. He said everyone there but Will needs therapy. Howard said he's going to make him a shirt that says he's not crazy anymore and he graduated from that doctor.
Ronnie asked what color shirt he wants and what color lettering. Howard said Ronnie thought that was racist based on the black and white shirt. Memet said people project things on you. Ronnie said he has common sense. Memet said they're putting so much thought into something so simple. Ronnie said that he's the one who put too much thought into it. Fred played ''Crazy Train'' for Memet.
Howard said he likes how he thinks he needs a shirt to draw even more attention to him. He said he's 6'5'' tall and he looks like big bird. Memet said he made him a nice shirt and he's getting upset about it. Howard said he's just being a douche bag if he wears that thing. Memet said everyone puts race into it and that's retarded.
Howard said thanks for getting him a gift. Robin said that he's not going to wear it to a party. Memet said not everyone in the world has a bug up their ass. Robin said Memet is an asshole beside being stupid. Robin and Memet went at each other until Howard cut them off. Howard said that was a nice thought. Ronnie said maybe he can return it.
Robin said the most successful people are people who can be contributed to. Memet said he doesn't even know what that means. Robin said he didn't learn anything about introspection. She said he just talks about what other people think. Howard said the shirt was a sweet waste of time and resources.
Howard asked if anyone there wants to wear that shirt. Robins said JD takes just about anything. JD said he doesn't want that. Howard thanked everyone in there and said he wants everyone to go away. He said he has a lot of breaks to make up before James Corden gets there. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he thought he'd give some phony phone call fun. Robin said she needs a break from the other stuff. Howard said Bigfoot used to fuck his postman and he had a girlfriend who was transgender. He said he's up for just about anything. He said they asked Bigfoot if he wanted to have sex with a robot. He said this was the idea for the phony phone call. He said Bigfoot would have sex with anyone.
Howard played the phony phone call they made to Bigfoot. In the call Sal told Bigfoot about a sex doll that Amazon sells. He asked if he wanted to talk to her. Bigfoot said that's fine. They had a female robot like voice talking to Bigfoot and having phone sex with him. Bigfoot was talking about fucking her up the ass. He asked if anyone was there after she hung up. He ended it by saying he's tired.
Howard said he's such a charmer. He said it went exactly as they expected. Robin said he just repeats what's said back to him. Howard said they called him back and told him he got the sex robot pregnant. He said he bought into that.
Howard played the call back to Bigfoot and the robot told him that she's pregnant with his baby. Bigfoot said he doesn't care. They had a baby being born and talking to Bigfoot. He didn't give a shit about any of that. The robot said she was going to take him to court for child support. Bigfoot didn't care. He told her to take that baby and go fuck herself. Howard said he completely ignores his baby robot. They went to break after that.
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Howard asked if Lit had another hit song after that. Fred said he'll have to look it up. Howard said he was reading about a hip hop artist named Lil Nas X who came out with a song with Billy Ray Cyrus and it was on the country charts. He said they took it off saying it wasn't ''country enough.'' Robin said that there was some controversy over that. Robin said the song was streaming well and now Billboard is saying it shouldn't be on the country chart. Howard said he hadn't heard the song until this morning.
Robin said he'd like the video because Chris Rock is in it. Howard played the song ''Old Town Road'' and said Billy Ray is back now. Robin said he has had a good country career. Howard said he didn't know that. Howard said he's not into this song. Robin said Howard isn't into country or hip hop so of course he doesn't like it.
Robin said that Lil Nas X wrote a song about being a cowboy in a rap motif. Howard said he never even thought about being a cowboy. Robin said in the video they have a chase going on and Chris Rock is very funny with that.
Howard read about some of the top 5 songs. He played Billie Eilish's song and then Khalid's song. Howard confused him with DJ Khaled. Howard said he doesn't like this song either. He said number 4 is Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber. He played some of that song and then Jonas Brothers at number 5.
Robin said the Jonas Brothers has broken up and Howard may have gotten them back together when he said that they should stay together. Howard said that's right.
Howard asked why this car is $2 million. Ronnie came in and said that it's a hand made (Bugatti) and collectible. He said that they do everything by hand. Howard asked what that means. Ronnie said they do everything by hand. Robin said her Corvette was hand built too. She said it was a special edition. Ronnie said that's true but it did go down an assembly line.
Howard said this car was a used car. Ronnie said it was pre owned. He said he's not sure where he got it from but it was used. He said the car is all over the news but it was hit. He said it's not a good thing. He said it will be fixed perfectly but it's going to be on record that it was hit. He said it's a collector's car but it won't be the same after this. Howard said collectors hate that. Robin said they want it original and not repaired.
Howard asked why Tracy would drive it in Manhattan. Ronnie said he's sure they could have put it in a carrier and delivered it to his house. Howard said he'd worry about driving it if it was that much. Ronnie said if you don't use it you should keep it out of the weather.
Howard said it says he didn't get more than 10 blocks. He said this woman ran into him and she claims that she didn't see him. Howard said she still made a right turn from the left lane and slammed into him. He said Tracy got out and started banging on her glass. He said he was all heated up. He said the cops came and said it was her fault obviously.
Howard said Tracy got into an ambulance and then got out. He must not have been hurt. Howard asked if this is the anniversary of him being hit by the Walmart truck. Robin said you'd think he'd want to stay out of the whole automotive thing. She said that he has all of these designer kind of cars. Howard said he should only be in a tank. Ronnie said he showed up in a Lamborghini when he came there once. Robin said she saw him driving around in a park just going around and around.
Ronnie said he came in there with the Lamborghini and you could hear him from a block and a half way. He said he had the radio blasting and he was singing. He said he has a driver for the Bentley he has. Howard said this car he has set a record of 255 miles per hour. He wondered if he drives it that fast.
Howard said the car can drain the gas tank in 12 minutes when it's driving at full speed. Fred said the oil change costs $25,000. He said the insurance costs like $30,000. Howard said it sounds like it should never be driven. Robin said a lot of these cars have a feature that keeps you from using the features that make them so fast. She asked if his car has a governor. She said she knows people who drive off the lot and they get killed.
Howard said Ronnie knows about cars and sex. They talked about the Fast and Furious movies and Robin said she's going to watch the one with The Rock and Jason Statham. Howard said he doesn't like those movies. He said he won't see that one.
Robin said she drove a car into the city once and she had the entire bottom of her car ripped off. Ronnie said he had one of his guys driving and a sign fell off a truck and he ran it over. He said it ripped the whole bottom of the car up. He said he was lucky he didn't get into an accident.
Howard thanked Ronnie for the update. He asked if he has to go get James. Ronnie said he's already up there. Howard asked why they didn't tell him. He said he was just killing time.
Howard said they're going to pass a law there in the state to stop declawing of cats. He said people don't want their furniture clawed up. He said don't get a cat then. He said he likes that they're going to ban that.
Howard took a call from horny Robin Quivers who was turned on by the car talk. The guys in the back were playing clips of Robin talking about fucking cars and other weird stuff they edited together with clips of Robin. They had her talking about how she was going to squirt on a car and things like that.
Howard said in some countries they're so repressed and if they had porn they'd probably be much more relaxed. He said they need pussy and cars.
Howard said Sal has a new fetish where he they do coke snorting. Howard asked the caller what she's into. The caller, Janet, said it started out with massage room videos. She said that she found Pawn Shop porn and that's what she's into now. Howard said he can imagine what that is. He said it means someone needs money. Gary said that's similar to shoplifting porn. Howard said he's going to watch that tonight. Gary told Howard how that goes.
Howard said tonight he was thinking about taking someone from work out to dinner. He said it won't be Sal. He said now he's thinking he'll just go home and watch shoplifting porn.
Howard asked Sal what the coke snorting porn is. Sal said this is chicks chopping up coke and snorting it off a guy's cock. Howard asked where he gets this stuff. Sal said he won't say where it is. He said in one porn this girl was snorting it out of a guy's ass. Howard wondered if James Corden watches porn. He said he has to ask him about that.
Gary said that Brent said he has had a girl snort coke off his penis. Howard said of course. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that James Corden is there and he's the host of the Tony Awards this Sunday night. Howard shook his hand and asked if he wanted some hand sanitizer. James said he just sued it. Howard said use it again because he may have been touching his penis. He said he touches it throughout the show.
Howard gave James some plugs for his show that's on at 12:37 in the morning. Howard asked why it's that time. James said that he's not sure about the 7. He said they tell people it's 12:30 to buy a few minutes. He said that people turn the TV off when they fall asleep they leave it on the same channel and then the TV turns on in the morning and it's on that channel. He said that they may have hoped to get people to tune in at 12:37 so they would keep it on over night and into the day.
Howard said if Colbert is doing well then he gets credit for his rating for when he starts his show. He said he gets extra ratings. James said he has no idea about any of that stuff. He said he doesn't understand the ratings. He said he feels like it's archaic in a way. Howard said it's probably good for him to studio those ratings to manipulate the show. He said he studied the ratings for radio. He said that ratings really are archaic. He said he gets 200 million views for his Carpool Karaoke. James said the show is on the internet now and the whole notion of competition is archaic. He said now you can watch everything whenever you want. He said they have like 6 billion views on YouTube. Howard said it's remarkable that they can do that. He said they're generating millions of views and they use the TV show to generate material for the internet.
James said they launch the show at 12:37 but people can find it at any time. He said someone just came up to him and said they saw the Paul McCartney thing last night. He said it took place like a year ago but it's great that they can still see it. He said on TV the stuff is disposable.
Howard said it is odd that they have something on at 12:30 in the morning and it just goes away. He said it must be baffling to CBS as a network. He said he and Colbert are number 1 and they're providing a good lead in for the morning show but the morning show is in third place. James said he'll have to look into that. Howard said they have no excuse. James said they may not be. He said they might have a big drop off.
Howard said in England they seem to have talk shows that always bring out at least two guests. Howard said he'd find that difficult. He said the other night he had the guy who played Gandhi, Ben Kingsley, and Renee Zellwegger. He said it can't be easy to interview people like that. James said it's a different kind of interview. He said he thinks Howard is in a place now where he's the best interviewer in the world. He said they're having a conversation and have time there. Howard said he'd be annoyed if he had two guests in there. James said it's not like that on his show. He said it's more like a dinner party. He said they will go in with like 10 questions but they only get to like 2 because they have a conversation between everyone. He said it's more of a conversation than an interview.
Howard said that Johnny Carson would do interviews with multiple people. He said that he did an interview with Lyle Lovett on the couch and he started making out with the guy as a joke. He said the crowd went nuts over that.
James said they're aiming for something like that. He said it's a group of people having a conversation that you wouldn't normally see. He said they have a lot of politics in who comes out first, second and third. He said on their show they put two number 1 guests on at the same time.
Howard asked if they ever have a guest complain about who they're on with. James said they do go through who they are going to be on with. He said they think a lot about that.
Howard said he thought about going on his show and who he would be on with if he was on to promote his book. He asked James if he would have him on alone. James said he was emailing with Jimmy Kimmel and talking to him about Howard. He said he watched him on Colbert and he was thinking if he had Howard on that he'd do it and reverse Howard's show on him. He said maybe do it without and audience. He said the more he reads his book the more he's become fascinated with his journey. He said it's interesting that he can change publicly. He said he was thinking about doing the interview without an audience. He said he might back himself into a corner and other people might want that.
Howard said he did Colbert and they gave him the whole hour. He said that was a lot of pressure on him. James said that you think about a guest and what their life has been like. He said some people don't have that interesting of a story. He said if there's something you want to explore then you want that single guest.
James said you almost have to evolve before your audience. He said the Beatles came out with mop top haircuts but then they changed and evolved before their audience. Howard said that's a great example. He said it was scary almost how much they changed. He said how boring is it if you don't change. James said you shouldn't change overnight. He said you have to slowly change. He said there are examples in music where they do something completely different and the audience wasn't ready for that.
Howard said James doesn't go home and beat himself up after a show. James said he does if he did a great show and then thinks about how are they going to do it again the next night.
Howard asked if he comes in and ever says fuck you guys to the staff. James said he might shut the door but he never does that other thing. He said his office is always open. Howard asked what a bad show is for him. James said he might think that anyone could have done that show and read those jokes and all of that. He said if anyone could have done that then it's not a show he loves. He said the shows he loves are big bits and big sketches and things. He said if it feels alive then it's something he loves.
Howard said he's not doing a talk show. He said he wants to do more. James said they might have someone come and interrupt the show or someone coming out and starting the monologue. He said they're on after a talk show so they have to sit on the other side of the seesaw to see what you're doing. He said he doesn't consider himself a broadcaster. He said he's a performer. Howard said he is. James said people would say that he should play to his strengths but he says he should ignore his weaknesses.
Howard asked if his wife watches the show. James said of course not. He said he will show her clips of the show but she doesn't watch the whole thing. Howard asked who he bounces ideas off of. James said he has a friend he's had since he was like 20.
Howard said James was chubby as a kid but he wasn't picked on because he made fun of himself first. He said he'd walk into a room and say he was the fattest kid in the room. James said he could have been a target or make himself a bigger target. He said confidence is like Kryptonite to a bully. He said that his son came home the other day and said a friend pushed him over. He said he felt like crying. He said he told his son that next time it happens he should just crack up laughing. He said the kid had knocked him over because the team had lost a soccer game. He said that it will unnerve people if you just laugh. Howard asked what the advice is. James said just own it. He said refuse to be humiliated and shamed by it. He said if you're fat then refuse to be shamed by it.
Howard asked if he ever wanted to lose weight. James said every other Thursday. James said he had that thought last night. He said he thinks on some level he could pull it off. He said he used to be a lot bigger. He said he's right in between the two now.
Howard said he liked the bit where he went to Mark Wahlberg's house. James said he got up at quarter to 3 to go there. Howard said the guy is up at like 2 in the morning and he works out after praying. Howard asked what the prayer is. James said he's not sure, he didn't see that. He said he works out from 4am to 5:30 and then he sits with the kids and then goes and plays golf.
Howard said James worked out with Mark and that was interesting. James said he may not have been going at it like he usually odes. James said his fitness is alright. Howard said he kept up pretty well. He said Mark has a poster of himself in the room he works out in. He said Mark got embarrassed by that a bit. He wondered what that is. James said maybe some of his friends own the company that was on the shirt and they put that up. He said he thinks Mark put it outside of the room thinking they might not tape there. He said that it might have a been a friend who put it there. He said he thinks Mark knows that it would get cut from the show.
Howard asked if he has ever gotten down to weight. James said he has gotten down to 212 and he was up to 280 at one time. He said he's been down to 250 lately. He said that bread is what does it to him. He said that's the destroyer of him. He said you can't go anywhere without bread being around. He said they have a lot of guests come to stay and his mother in law and father in law like to have salad on toast for breakfast. Howard said that he could have the toast without the salad. James said that salad just lives under his chin. He said he would love to figure that out and come back in a year and Howard asks him what happened. He said imagine what he'd look like.
Howard said he loves the weight loss shows where people lose weight and they come back ripped. He said some of them come back really good looking. He said those shows are the greatest.
James said he intends to peak around 45. He said he's 40 now. James said most people get less good looking. He said if you're really fat at 20 you can change it and you'll look good from 45-55. Howard said he's not a good looking guy but if you see him on the cover of Rolling Stone you think he's good looking. Howard said he thinks he peaked in his 50s and he got better looking. James said Howard is better looking now than he was when Private Parts was out. He said he has pulled the whole thing through. Howard said it's so great.
James said he's been trying not to eat meat. Howard said he only eats 3 meals a day and he doesn't eat anything else. James said he tries to do that. He said maybe in a year he'll come back and burst through a piece of paper.
Howard said he's thinking about this show he's doing and CBS must love his ass. He said the contract negotiations must be coming up. James said they have been going on for a while now. He said he has to think about what he wants to do really. He said it's not even about the negotiating. Howard asked what he has to think about. He said it must be what James wants to do. He asked what he wants. James said that's the question. He said he doesn't know. Howard asked what the options are. James said he has no idea. Howard asked if he could walk away from 12:30 at night. James said he has to give it some thought. He said he never thought that he was going to do it for 20 years. Howard said he never wanted to be Johnny Carson. James said that's right.
James said what he never wants to do is get to the point where he doesn't enjoy what he's doing. He said it was funny when Letterman said he would retire when he got tired of doing the show and then a decade later he retried.
Howard said he liked that Craig Kilborn walked away from it after getting tired of it. He said you never hear from the guy now. Howard said James likes to not know what he's going to be doing. James said they are at a point where they're at a sweet spot with the show so it would be silly to leave it now. Howard asked what he has to decide then. James said there are just a few things he has to figure out. Howard said he'll call him off the air to talk about this. James said nothing would make him happier. Howard said he knows that he wasn't even looking for this show. He said Les Moonves found him and kept courting him to do something. He said that it was a great observation to have. James said it makes no sense really.
Howard asked what he was doing when Les found him. James said he was doing a show called ''One Man Two Governors.'' He said he would have people from the audience come help him on stage. He had Donald Trump on stage once. He said he did the show like 400 times and that was hard. He said you could tell in that play if it was going to be a good show or one of your best shows. He said you can tell in the laughs. He said it's not doing the same show every night, it's about the audience you get. He said you don't know if they're enjoying it until the end.
Howard asked about the night they had Trump on stage. James said they always had someone incredible in the audience every night. He said you can't bring everyone up there. He said you can't bring Tom Hanks on stage. He said Donald Trump is the only person you can bring on stage. He said you either win with everyone or win with half the audience. He said this was back in 2012. He said if they were doing well he was going to bring him up. He said they had big rain that night and that makes for a bad show. He said the audience was not great and this was like show 425. He said he was like ''fuck it'' and he grabbed Donald and brought him on stage. He said he laughed and came up and the audience went wild. He said he told Donald that this was manual labor and he knows he's never done this before. He said he had fun. He said the thing he remembers most about it was that usually they'd have the person bring the trunk off stage. He said that the stage manager would tell the person what to do. He said he asked the manager what Trump was like. He said he swears to god that he said this. The stage manager told him that Trump acted like he was the President of the United States. He said he went around shaking hands with everyone back stage. He said he made it seem like they were all meeting someone special. Howard said this is why the guy won the election. He won over the audience.
Howard asked if he's a Trump supporter at all. James said not at all. He said he is not a supporter and he agrees with Howard that he never wanted to do it. He said he thinks he's enjoying it now though. He said he thinks he loves that whole meeting the Queen. Robin said he said wonderful things about the queen because he wanted her to like him.
Howard said James is friendly with Prince Harry. Howard said they gave him a special honor too. James said they did. He said he's not sure how he got that.
Howard asked what you get for a royal baby as a gift. James said he has no idea. Howard said maybe a Howard Stern onesie. James said maybe that.
Howard said his father would always say that he didn't care where he was broadcasting from but you have to do the best show you can. He said James did this play and tried to do his best. He said that Les Moonves is in the audience and he must have been so dynamic that the guy said this is the guy he has to get for late night television. He said he credits Les with that because it's rare to see a guy on stage in a different venue and think he'd be a great late night host. James said it doesn't make sense to him. He said it's a very unnatural jump. Howard asked why he turned it down so much. James said he never wanted to be a late night host. He said he thought about it and then he thought about how stupid he was being. He said he wondered why he would walk away from that. He said that the first offers were appalling financially. He said he eventually figured he just had to make what he wants to make. He said he had loads of friends of his who love Jimmy Fallon and they watch it on the internet. He said he figured that people would find his show that way.
Howard said he's fascinated by this contract negotiation. He said he figures he has a number in mind and that hasn't been met yet. James said it's more about time and not the money. He said that he values time more than money. Howard said he said that at his wedding too. He said this is all about how he's going to spend his time. James said he'd like to have vacations with his children. He said he'd like to not be on as much. Howard said what he's looking for is a reduced schedule. Howard asked if he would share his time slot with other people. James said he would do that. Howard asked if they fuck up and lose audience for him. James said he'd be fine with that. He said that the worst would be if the ratings go up without him. He said he's in it for the experience.
Howard said he's thinking that he's going to get more money now that Les is gone. He said before it was like Les got him this job and he had to stay.
James said he's doing the Tony Awards and they give notes. He said they thought he gets notes on his show but he never does. He said the network never tells him not to do something. He said they just tell him to run with it. He said that's the freedom of doing a show at that time of night.
Howard said he likes that bit they do where they have people eat something disguising. He said he had Cher eat something disguising or say something honest about Donald Trump. He said she ate the cow's tongue. James said they took the show to London and she came on and handed him a note saying she might not do the eating bit. He said he told her not to worry about it. He said everything was something that was a delicacy around the world. He said that he told her that they were all fine to eat and there was nothing to worry about. He said he told her to just enjoy it and have a blast. James said he just told her not to over think it. He said you just have to enjoy this and not worry.
Howard asked James about doing the Tony's years ago and then taking a couple of years off. Howard said two years ago Kevin Spacey was the toast of the town and now he can't even walk out of his house.
Howard said that James won't say who the best was with the Carpool Karaoke. James said his favorite was Paul McCartney. He said that Howard guessed who it was going to be last time he was on the show. Howard said he didn't know it was him but he threw it out here. Howard said he won't say who the least favorite was. James said he would never do that. He said he has one in mind but he's not going to say. He said it doesn't mean that it was bad. Robin asked if there are any that they have never aired. James said no.
Howard said Barbra Streisand drove the car in her Karaoke thing. Howard said she's always worried about her camera angle and was that why she did that. James said she wanted to do something different and fun. He said that you just do whatever she wants to do. He said that it was inconceivable that she was even doing it. He said he got a kick out of just being in her orbit. He said she was incredible. Howard said she's an incredible woman. James said you just hang on her every word. Howard said she was a great director. He said she didn't get the Oscar for that.
Howard said James cried when he did the Paul McCartney thing in Liverpool. James said he was thinking about how he didn't know what he's done to deserve such memories. He said he doesn't know what's gone right to get him all of that. He said that his grandfather probably introduced him to the Beatles. He said if he could just see this. He said that if he just had the opportunity to shake this man's hand it would have made his year. He said this overwhelmed him in the moment. He said the brilliance of Paul just got to him. He said that Paul told him that was the power of music. He said he told Paul that if his grandfather could just be there... and Paul said ''He is.'' He said that got him. He said he had heard the phrase ''stopped traffic'' and he didn't know what that meant until they were on Penny Lane with Paul and all of the cars stopped. He said there wasn't a sound.
Howard said he had that music growing up and it was powerful in his life. He said they were like saints to him. He said it is pretty amazing to be in the room with guys like that.
Howard asked if he can appreciate things and hang on to them or does he destroy them by thinking he has to top that show. James said the thing he finds to do is enjoy it at the absolute moment and then you have to let it go. He said in a month or a year or two you can't go back and think about what you did. He said you can't have a rearview mirror. He said if you're not enjoying something then that's where unhappiness breeds.
Howard said he can have a book at number 1 and do a great interview with Anderson Cooper and within 10 minutes he doesn't remember it or rejoice in it. He said it's almost like a curse. James said he thinks that's because Howard's life has exceeded his expectations beyond measure. He said he puts that down to Howard seeing something that he can't enjoy life and if he stops and enjoys it then he might lose what he has. He said he has to be the guy thinking about the next thing. He said all of those things he has must bring joy. He said that this move to SiriusXM was the most punk move he could have made at the time. He asked if he ever thought that it might not work. Howard said it had to work. He said he knew it would without a doubt. He said he knew it was the right time in history. James said when he's on his own he was thinking it would work. Howard said he doesn't remember that. Robin said she spoke to him and he said that he didn't know exactly what it was but they had to make it work.
Howard said he watched that segment where he sky dived with Tom Cruise. He said he's crazy. He said he will do anything for that show. Howard said Tom looks like he does it every day. He said he's hard core. James said it's incredible to be around him. He said his energy is something. Howard asked if that was something he wanted to do or did he just man up and do it. James said it all comes back to thinking about how he's not going to do this forever. He said they can look back on that and see what they did. He said what people don't see is the man hours from the team to put that show together. He said they were up from midnight to get there to tape that. He said they filmed two jumps back to back. He said Tom did one before they got there to work it out. He said Tom prepped the guy he was going to jump with. He found the best guy for him to jump with.
Howard asked what the story is with Tom and getting him to do the show. James said they have a great relationship with him on the show. He said they've done a bunch of things with him on the show. He said they had done things about him and his publicist asked him to do something for Tom. He said he did that and then Tom thanked him for doing it and Tom asked him to call. He said he knew he wasn't going to get him his number. He said Tom said he would get him his number. He said a few days later he got a bunch of balloons and a cake with a Mission Impossible thing in the cake. He said it was in code and he had to break the code to figure out what the number was. He said he worked it out once and got it wrong the first time. He said he figured it out and Tom answered and told him now he has his number. Howard said that's really good. He said maybe Tom has too much time on his hands. James said he thinks he creates time.
Howard said this Sunday he's hosting the Tony Awards. He said that has to be a tough crowd. James said they're the best crowd. Howard said the game plan is what. James said they're going to open with a song. He said he hopes it's funny. He said they're working it all out.
Howard asked if James is nervous. James said he is because the show is live. Howard asked if he drinks before the show. James said not at all. Howard asked if he smokes weed. James said not at all.
Howard asked if he watches porn at all. James said he thinks that porn on the internet has ruined it for kids. He said the best thing is when you find porn on the side of the road and pass it around the class. He said that experience was great. He said you see a woman and it's right there. He said it's ruined the formative experience of finding that joy. He said it's a conflicting experience.
Howard asked if he thinks his dad has ever watched porn on the internet. James said he probably has. He said he's not sure if he regularly does. He said his father is a religions man but he believes in science too.
Howard asked if he will make Trump jokes at the Tonys. James said he hasn't thought about it. He said last time was during the election and they did a bit with Glenn Close as Hillary Clinton and they had a Trump thing in that. He said they'll see what happens in the news.
Howard said he must have to rehearse. James said of course. He said today they go to go to perform with an orchestra. He said that they're going to go back and rehears the show after that. Howard asked if he feels burnt out at all. James said he thinks he complains if he doesn't get enough sleep. He said he's a real advocate of sleep. He said you can get through anything if you get 8 hours of sleep. He said last night he was asleep by 9:45. He said he was up at 7 today. He said he's overjoyed over that. He said he had to be good for Howard.
Howard asked if he has to see all of these plays that he'll be talking about. James said he's seen a lot. He said he's going to see more of them this week.
Howard asked if England or America is number 1. James said he thinks both of them are at a tie at number 2. He said they're both a mess. He said that will always be home but he fucking loves America. He said sometimes sees people complaining about things but this place represents joy and optimism to the rest of the world. He said if you lose that to other countries that's not good. He said you can do anything here. He said don't lose that because other countries look up to that. He said you have to remember what you have here. He said just walk around any state in America and you're lucky. He said that there are awful things happening around the world. He said be angry about the abortion issue but don't lose focus on what makes this country great. He said it's already pretty great. Howard said that's what he thinks about this country.
Howard said he heard he got drank with Jimmy Fallon at the Met Gala. James said he did have a few drinks. He said someone put down a drink and he asked where he got it. Then he drank the whole thing and then had a glass of wine. He said the two of them were just drinking down the drinks that were around. He said they weren't hammered but it did go to his knees. He said that joke he thought was hilarious.
Howard asked now they're going to review. James said that's his and Jimmy's favorite bit. He said they love that. Howard went over what they talked about and asked if he wants summer off. James said he would like more time off. He said that's the only thing that's worth anything.
Howard asked where he is with Les Moonves. James said he hasn't spoken to him. Howard said it must have been difficult for him since he put him on CBS. James said they sort of talked about it on the show. He said that he gets that accountability is a thing but that doesn't change his feelings toward him and his family. He said he hopes he's alright but he hasn't spoken to him. Howard said he didn't like the guy that much anyway. Howard said he likes Julie. Howard asked if he would have her on the show. James said of course he would. Howard said the whole world is weird. He said James is doing good though.
Robin said she thinks that James is an amazing person and he thinks in a different way. James thanked her for that. Howard asked Robin why she never says that to him.
James said he came in this morning and he had his back pack with him. He said he had his book on the side. He said he thought about bringing it with him to get it signed. He said someone has brought it down. He said he wanted Howard to sign the one he bought. James said he took the cover off so no one knows what he's reading in public. Howard said he recommends that.
Howard asked how much time he gets off from his show now. James said he doesn't really know. Howard said if he did know he might get depressed. James said he thinks they're on 42 or 43 weeks a year. Howard did the math to figure out that he has 10 weeks off. James said that they get off a week here and there but it's not all at once. He said that he and his friend wrote a sitcom at home in England and they're trying to tape things to make that work. He said that two weeks they're working will be in the summer. Howard asked who is negotiating for him. James joked that it was his dad. Howard said he was about to yell at him about that. James said he was just kidding. Howard said don't joke like that. He said he almost had a heart attack.
Howard gave James more plugs for the hosting of the Tony Awards on Sunday. He also gave him plugs for his show that's on week nights at 12:37am. He told him if he wants his number he has to climb the outside of the Empire State Building and get to the top. He said he can't use the stairs. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard took a call from a guy, Andrew, who said that he loves his book and the James Corden interview was good. He said he even loves Fred and Benjy. Howard thanked him for the nice call. Andrew asked if he can call back and talk about his girlfriend who had herpes and never told him about it. He asked if he should stay with her. Howard asked if he has it. Andrew said he doesn't but she never told him about it. Howard asked where she has it. Andrew said she has it on the pussy. Howard asked how she found out about it. Andrew said that a friend of her's told him. He said that she's known about it for 10 years. Howard said she should have told him so there is a trust issue there.
Robin asked why she waited. Howard said she didn't even tell him. Howard said she must be pissed at the friend. He said that's a crazy story. Andrew said he thought he had something on his dick and he asked her what's going on. He said he went to the doctor and they tested him for AIDS and everything else and he came back clean. He said he's happy about that but he spent almost 4 years with her and she never told him.
Andrew said he posted something on Facebook about this and he didn't say exactly what it was. He said she's moved out but she's probably going to move back in. He said he wanted to hear it from her mouth that she had it. Andrew said she thought she was clean because she hadn't had an outbreak in 6 years.
Howard asked what he wants him to do. Andrew said he doesn't know. He said they're going to try counseling. Howard asked if she's hot. Andrew said she's a 7. Howard said she's on the phone right now. He said she has another secret for him. Howard took the call and Chris Wilding was doing the voice of the girlfriend. He said he also has a dick and balls. He made his voice deep when he said he has the dick and balls.
Howard said give the counseling a try and see how that works. Robin said if a couple makes it through something like this they have a stronger relationship. Howard said he's going to have to wear a rubber every time he fucks her. Andrew said he likes eating pussy so it's going to be tough. Howard said he has to avoid that.
Robin asked if he was sexually active before this girl. Andrew said he wasn't that much. He said he's been with 6 girls and he's 36. He said he has a story to tell about this girl who was going to call the cops on him and made up a sorry about him beating him up.
Howard said Ralph is on the phone with some advice. Howard took the call and Ralph said he thinks he should stick with her. He said that he sounds kind of dopey and he's probably lucky to have a 7 at this point. Howard said just find out why she's lying. He said if she's a 7 he would put some energy into this. Ralph said if she was in remission then maybe that's why she didn't tell him. He said he has to stop posting on Facebook though. He said that's just weird. He also told him to stop using the F-word every 2 seconds. He said that makes him sound dopey too. Howard told the guy to say fuck as much as he wants. Andrew said that he made his year by answering his call. Howard let him go a short time later. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news talking about Tracy Morgan's accident and said there is tape of him. Robin said that his car was a $2 million Bugatti. JD said there is tape but you can't hear him.
Robin read a story about a recently paroled ex-con who attacked a 78 year old woman. He apparently told her that he was going to rape her old ass. Howard said the guy was in his 20s and this woman was 78. He said the guy said he likes older women. He said that's fucking weird. He said that poor woman. Howard was told the guy was actually 30.
Robin read a story about Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix walked in an animal rights day walk. Robin said it's called the march with dead animals. Robin said they were all carrying dead birds. Howard said he doesn't eat birds. He said he might walk in that thing. Robin said no he wouldn't with that germ phobia. Howard said she's probably right. Robin asked if he would carry one. Howard said no.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if that guy's 7 girlfriend is a Brent 7 or a real 7. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said he thinks Brent is very liberal with that rating. He said he told him he's a 9.
The caller, Frank, said he has never heard someone who knows less about cars than Ronnie. He said he thinks they're pounding out sheet metal for that Bugatti. He said they're not. He said they're limited production. He said they're made in a big factory. He said they're small groups of people instead of having a mile long assembly line. Ronnie came in saying that he's full of shit. He said they do mold the body by one or two people. Ronnie said they assemble the engine. He said this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Howard asked Frank what he does. Frank said he has called a million times. He said he works in land development but he works on cars and restores cars on the side. Howard said he's saying that Ronnie is wrong. Howard asked Fred who is right. Fred said he's not sure Frank is right. He said the cars are hand built. He said he knows there are two guys building the engine and assembling them by hand. Ronnie said that's what he said. Frank said that's not what Ronnie said earlier. Ronnie said that is what he said.
Frank asked Ronnie if he knows what a W-16 engine is. Ronnie said he knows that it's 16 cylinders. He didn't know what the W layout meant. Frank asked what a V-8 is. Ronnie said that it's in the shape of a V. Frank asked what a flat 4 is. Ronnie thought it was a flat head but Frank said he's wrong.
Howard had angry Ronnie on the phone and the guys had him yelling at Frank. Howard said Doug from a car factory says Ronnie is wrong too. The caller said that Ronnie filibusters and he has no idea what he's talking about. Howard said enough with the childish arguing about the cars. Howard thanked Frank for the call.
Howard said he thought Ronnie did well with the V-8 thing. He said he held his own. Howard asked Ronnie Puppet about the car thing. Fred did the Ronnie puppet talking about cars. Howard asked Ronnie if he loves cars or pussy better. Ronnie had a tough time choosing. He said he'd have to think that out. Ronnie Puppet said he could have a car and shove the stick shift up his ass. Ronnie said he thinks that he would pick the car and he would just watch porn.
Howard asked if Ronnie would want a Bugatti. Ronnie said he'd rather have a Hellcat. Howard asked if he would rather have Cher in her prime or a car. Ronnie said he'd take the call. Howard asked if he would rather have a Hellcat over Emily Ratajkowski. Ronnie said he would. Howard asked him about Ariana Grande pegging him or the Hellcat. Ronnie picked the Hellcat again. Ronnie Puppet said he would take J-Lo over the Hellcat. Ronnie said he'd have to think about that. He said she's hot. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he likes his women built a little differently. Howard said she has to be good in bed. He said she has to be the best at everything because she's such a narcissist. Howard asked about Rihanna. Ronnie picked the Hellcat again.
Howard asked what a Hellcat costs. Ronnie said they're about 100 grand. He said he has something close to that. He said the best part of the Hellcat is that you can get it with one seat. He said that way you don't have a passenger seat. He said for an extra dollar you get the passenger seat. He said that's one way he could get rid of Stephanie.
Howard said they have to get back to news. He said they're running late. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard played the start of that song parody from earlier. Robin got back to her news and read a story about Ellen Degeneres doing an interview with David Letterman for his Netflix special. Robin had some audio from the special. She revealed her father sexually molested her as a child. Howard said that's heavy stuff. Robin said her mother has spoken out and said that was the regret of her life not believing her daughter. Howard said she did talk about that on this show. Robin said she knows. Howard said that was kind of Robin's story too. Robin said she never told her mother. She said she knew that would make things worse. Robin said she eventually did tell her mother and she started making up her own stories about what happened. Robin said her mother was blaming her for what happened and she made it seem like she conspired with her father to keep it from her. Howard said this has stirred up a bunch of stuff now. Robin said Ellen wants young kids to feel free to reveal this kind of thing. Howard said he was moved by her story. He said he made her a major feature in the book (Howard Stern Comes Again). He said her real father was a dick because he kept her out of the house and he was afraid that he was going to turn the other daughters gay. He said it's a fascinating story. He said through it all she found the funny and she's quite remarkable. He said he'll have to check out the Letterman interview.
Robin said this is Gay Pride Month and she thought it was interesting that they highlighted the conversation with the guy who does the humiliation phone calls. Howard said that was Fag Master Steve that Chris interviewed. Robin said a group in Boston is in trouble for trying to have a ''straight pride'' parade this summer. Howard said he's not sure he'd want to be lumped in with that crowd. Robin said the three men who organized it are advocates of the straight community as if they need that. Howard said he loves that logic where they think they have to do something like that. He said gays have been repressed and made fun of for so long and they just want to have a parade. Then these guys think they have to have a straight pride parade.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is wrong again about the car. He said the Hellcat isn't the car with the one seat. He said it's the Demon that comes with the one seat. He said he has a 392 Charger. He said then there's the Hellcat and then the Demon that has the one seat. He said Ronnie really has no clue. Howard had Ronnie come back in. Ronnie said it's the same fucking car. He said it's the same fucking motor. He said the Demon is made for drag racing. The caller said he's wrong about it. He said the Hellcat you can buy in a dealership. Ronnie said you can do that with the Demon too.
The caller said that he goes to Dr. Lou too. Ronnie said he's a bullshit artist. He said he had to call in and say that. Howard asked what the caller is saying. The guy said Lou just told him that when he went to him. Howard asked how that ties into the story. The caller said that he just wanted to throw that in.
Howard said the caller is saying that Ronnie is wrong about the Demon and Hellcat. Ronnie said the Hellcat and the Demon are the same car basically. He said the Demon has one seat. Howard asked why JD canceled Ronnie's show. He said this is a lot of fun. JD said that it was a lot of arguing like that. Howard said JD called it ''the most boringest show ever.'' Howard said he thinks that he has to have him there to keep him under control.
Howard took some more calls from guys who said they know more about cars than Ronnie. Howard said it would just be negative calls if they had Ronnie's show. He said they could give that show back to Ronnie and put it on Pandora. He said they can talk about pussy and cars. Fred did his Ronnie Puppet talking about cars.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that was hilarious listening to Ronnie and that guy. He said those two dopes should have a show. Howard said he should have a Pandora show. He said it's called Cars and Cunts because it's Ronnie. He said it'll be Ronnie yelling at this guy and other people. The caller said he got the book and he loves it. He said he listens to the show every day. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said they might have to bring the Ronnie show over there to Pandora. Robin said she wanted to ask if Howard thinks that the Justice League could beat Thanos. Howard said of course. He said Superman could beat him. He said he's so stupid he goes near people with Kryptonite. Howard said there's not enough romance in being a super hero. He said he would want to get laid if he was a super hero. Robin said that you don't tell anyone when you're a super hero. Howard said he'd love to be a super hero and test the woman. He said then she finds out he's Superman and she figures she should have gone out with him. Howard said every woman would want him over the stupid guys they're with. He said everyone wants that.
Robin read a story about it being the celebration of D-day today. Howard said it's amazing to read about what those guys did on D-Day. Robin said they weren't necessarily brave. Robin said they were going over there in a packed boat and they were young and scared guys who did it anyway. Howard said it was a remarkable feat either way. Howard said he admires military guys so much. He said thank god for them. Robin said that's what she got from Saving Private Ryan. She said they were scared. She said they knew they were probably meeting death. Robin said it was an important military attack that they thought was going to fail. Robin said more than 156,000 men stormed the beaches against 50,000 German troops. Robin said they think that 10,000 allied soldiers were killed or went missing in action. Howard said those Germans really loved that Hitler. He said their lives would have been miserable if he had won. Howard said he'll never forgive the Germans. He said he never liked that country. He said he'd never go there. Robin read more details about what happened over there on D-Day. Howard said the Germans are now saying that the Jews aren't safe there again. He said get to Israel now. Robin said Howard's father was in the war. Howard said he's a brave guy. He said he's not going to tell his story though.
Robin read a story about a French man who is connecting with an American family. He didn't know that his father was one of the Americans who landed in France on D-Day. Robin said when the Americans were there they hooked up and sometimes left children behind. Howard said that probably would have been him if he had served. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about seeing this brother he didn't know he had.
Robin read about how Charles Bronson fought in the war. Howard said he was a real tough guy. He said he was no actor. Robin said he started working in a mine when he was 10. Then he got drafted into the war. Robin said he was driving a truck and he went to school to become a bombardier. Robin said he got wounded and won a purple heart during World War II.
Robin read about how President Trump is denying ever saying that Megan Markle was ''nasty.'' Robin said people can't figure out what he meant. Howard said he just said she's a nasty person. Robin said people think he said she's not a clean person. Robin said that he was talking about her comments. She said that's all it was. Howard said it's hardly important.
Robin said Trump commented on Vietnam. She had some audio from a Piers Morgan interview. Morgan asked Trump about not serving and if he wishes he could have. Trump said he was not a fan of that war. He said he wouldn't have minded serving. He said he thinks he's making up for it now. He was saying that he gave them billions of dollars. Howard said this is where he goes wrong. He said he's claiming that he gave the money but it's the tax payers who gave that money. He said he has to shut up about that and shut up about John McCain. Howard said he's not sure why he's fucking that up. Robin said he's not good at speaking off the cuff. She said he's thinking too much while he talks. Robin said it's almost like the JD thing.
Robin said they have run out of time with all of that talk they had. She said she was wondering how Ken Jennings was handling the whole James Holzhauer thing on Jeopardy. Robin said Ken kept quiet for most of the season but now he's saying that he didn't like the way Holzhauer played. Howard said the guy played well and he figured out how to work it. He wasn't cheating. Robin said it'll be interesting to see how this woman's run will be now that she's beaten James Holzhauer. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Today's show was over around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.