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Howard started the show talking about how he got up early to watch Game of Thrones. He said he had to see it. He said he was up around 4 to watch. Robin said she saw it too. Howard said he watched that and everyone is bitching about it. He said it's a thing to bitch about it. He said they had to bring it to an end. Robin said she's not sure why they did it the way they did. She said they gave them 2 years and just 6 episodes. Robin wondered why they had to rush it. She said they ran out of the guy's writing. Howard said it's fine, it was good.
Howard said in the old days you'd read a review of the show and the guy would have a list of 10 things that he'd think about it. He said now everyone wants to be a broadcaster so they bitch about things and don't tell you why it sucked. He said JD pulled some stuff off of YouTube. He said this is people who watched Game of Thrones and didn't like it. He said they have no way of articulating why they don't like it. He said this is a montage of fans. He said it's a bunch of idiots with an access to cameras. Robin said the internet was created so scientists could connect and share things and this is what it has turned into.
Howard said everyone is a big shot now. He said they get on and say they didn't like the last episodes but they don't say why. Howard played the clip and people were saying it was the worst episode of that show they've seen in their life. Howard asked why though. He said they're not creating anything but they'll complain. He said they're busy on their phone.
Howard said it's all the idiots who are on the internet. He said they should blow up the internet. He played more people reacting to the show. There were more people giving away the ending. Robin said ''spoiler alert'' but Howard asked who cares. He let the spoiler go.
Howard said this guy thinks he's intelligent but he has no opinion. He said it's just a bunch of fucking assholes. He said the guy who had the right idea was Kim Jong Un who took the internet away from people. Howard did his Kim Jong Un impression and said he can't believe that people around the world don't speak English. He said they have different languages right next to each other in England and France. He said you'd think the French would have migrated over to there. He said it's weird. He said you'd think being so close it would be the same. Robin said back when that was all being created it wasn't that close.
Howard said how about that language on Game of Thrones. He said that stuff sounds made up. Robin said it sounds like what Howard is speaking when he speaks Korean.
Howard asked if Jon Hein liked the last episode. Jon said it was good but not great. He said he thought it was alright. Howard said he thought it was good. He said he liked that Peter Dinklage was walking around but people were complaining about how it went on too long. Howard said he thought it was good. He said Gary was complaining about it this morning. He said he was outraged by that. Jon said Gary felt it was boring. Gary said he thought it was slow. Howard said he thought it was the right speed. Jon said he liked it too. Robin said if something like that happened you'd be walking around like that too. Howard said he liked the Khaleesi when she had wings behind her. He said they did it again where there was a water bottle in a shot. He said it's a Poland Spring bottle. Jon said Memet found that on the internet. Robin said they couldn't redo it. She said they couldn't go back in.
Howard said meanwhile the fatso guy on the show who killed the night walker is the guy who had the water bottle. He said he had one line in the show and he had to have a drink of water. Howard said that guy should have died in the show. Robin said she likes when someone in the show dies because they were a coward. Howard said Peter Dinklage should have died. He said he was the best part of the show. Jon said he was looking for that character to come out during the season. Robin said now Jon has a critique of the show. She told him to get out of here.
Jon said he was waiting for him to figure it all out and he finally did in the final episode. Robin said that he kept saying they were great episodes. Jon said they were but he wanted more of that.
Howard said that stupid language they speak is something people are learning. Howard said he's surprised Jon won't learn it. Robin said he probably will. Howard said people are learning it in classes and it's a useless language. Jon said that they did that with Klingon too.
Howard said he's going to play a game with Robin. He said she has to tell him if it's Game of Thrones language or a foreign language. Robin said she can do that. Howard said he hates people for learning this stuff. Howard said HBO hired a linguist to create this language. Howard played a clip and asked Robin if this is real or made up. Robin said it was real. Howard said she's right, it's Arabic. Howard played another one and Robin said that's real too. Howard said she's wrong. He said it's Dothracki. He said that's wonderful. He said it's the international language of male virgins.
Howard played another clip and asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said that's real. Howard said she is correct. He said it's Swahili. Howard said it all sounds the same to him. Robin said when you grow up hearing it then it makes sense. Howard had some audio of Robin speaking Klingon. Howard said sometimes he thinks JD is speaking Dothracki.
Howard said he has one more. He played a clip for Robin and Robin said she thinks that's Game of Thrones. Howard said she's right. He said it's Dothracki. He played another one for her. Robin said that's a Game of Thrones thing. Howard said she's right again. He said that's Valerian.
Jon said that's low Valerian. Howard played one more but said that's Turkish and asked why he's doing this. Howard said the show is over and he's happy it's over. Howard said you can't complain about the show and not have a reason for it. Howard asked what more you want for an ending.
Robin said she was pissed off at the beginning of the season but she made it through. Howard said they could have just told people to come up with their own ending. Howard said he liked it all equally. Robin said he didn't even know what was happening. Howard said that's why it was fine.
Jon said you had to watch it live or don't complain about the spoilers. He said it's a series finale so you have to watch it live.
Howard said we need a new show. Jon said they're doing a prequel to the show. He said it's going to be a Targaryen prequel from long before the Khaleesi. Howard said if they did a show on the dragons and had naked chicks he'd watch it every week.
Howard asked Jon who the last lead actor was to be naked in the show. Jon said it was probably Missandei. Howard said he thinks it was Arya. Howard said that Missandei was hot. Jon said she's in the Fast and Furious movies. Howard said she's hot. He said that series of movies is the biggest piece of shit. He said Ronnie is into that. Howard said Ronnie likes it because it's cars and guys beating each other up. Jon said Ronnie loves those movies. Howard said they're unwatchable.
Howard said the show was good and now it's over. He said everyone get on with their life. Robin said she might have to stop by her counselor's office today.
Howard said they gave the ending of the show to the writers and not George RR Martin. He said it was all simplified and he can understand it now. Robin said those guys are going to write the next Star Wars. She said they're failing upward. Gary said Jon has the rule about the season finale. Howard said Jon already mentioned that. The caller told Gary to get back to his plantains. Howard asked if Gary has any. Gary held up his bucket of plantain chips. Howard said Gary really likes those things. They played a Baba Booey song parody to the tune of the Game of Thrones theme.
Howard said Gary does that all the time where he says something that was already said. Gary said Jon said he didn't really proclaim it so he repeated it. Howard said Gary does that all the time. He said he messes up a lot. He said Gary has to listen.
Howard said Gary was with him at The View. He said he liked having him there. He said he's not annoying. He said he wasn't in his dressing room for too long. Gary said he didn't want to annoy him. He said he went in and saw he was busy so he left. Howard said he lied that he stayed out of his face.
Robin said Mariann from Brooklyn was all over the place. She was on Fallon. Howard said he had to bring her up on stage. He said over at Fallon's show they had a big thing of chocolate. He said he handed it over to Gary. Gary said Howard waved it around and gave it to him. Howard said he heard he had a lot of it. Gary said he had some and others had some of it too. Howard said that's how he pays Gary. He said he pays him in chocolate.
Howard said there was quite an entourage at Fallon. He said he had Ralph and Toni to do his hair. He said Jimmy came back stage and talked to him and he kicked him out because it was a good conversation that they should have had on air. He said it was kind of fun.
Gary told Howard that Jimmy stopped by to say hi to him too. He said he was in the hallway and Jimmy said hi and gave him a hug. Howard said he didn't know he was out there with him when he gave him the chocolate. Gary said he doesn't remember that. Howard said that's all he was asking. He said he can't get an answer out of him. Howard said he has a note saying that he was talking to Fallon when he handed him the chocolate. Gary said Will is saying it definitely happened. Howard said it's weird he wouldn't have noticed. Robin said it's weird that Gary doesn't remember. Gary said he's not sure why he'd remember that. Howard said he's not sure what's going on with Gary. He said you'd think he'd remember something like that.
Howard said he doesn't remember Jimmy being out there. Gary said he remembers Howard handing him the chocolate but he doesn't remember if he was talking to Jimmy. Howard played another Baba Booey song parody.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he listened to the Terry Gross interview and it was great. He asked if he enjoys that more than just a light piece where he has to be on all the time. Howard said that's a good question. Howard asked if the caller bought the book (Howard Stern Comes Again). The caller said he hasn't yet because he's in his car a lot and he listens to Audio Books. Howard said he's wondering if anyone heard him on the Terry Gross show and went and bought the book. He said he's not sure if he's wasting his time. He said he wrote the book for his audience but he's trying to reach people who aren't in his audience. Howard said this guy didn't buy the book yet. He asked what he's doing with his life. The caller said he's going to buy it but he hasn't gotten it yet. Howard said he likes that this book is a hard cover and it's something you cherish. Howard said he's dreading this week the most because he's doing the Stephen Colbert show and he was doing the pre-interview for an hour. He said he was sick of talking about himself. He said he was telling this woman some stuff about the book but he just wants to go on and be himself. He said she said that Stephen would love to have him show some of his paintings. He said he isn't looking to be critiqued. He said he gave them like 10 drawings and paintings. He said he thinks it was the right thing to do but he was on the fence about it. Robin said it's very much up to him. Howard said he's trying to please everyone.
Howard said on Fallon he did some singing and stuff. He said he slipped in a Picasso just to see if they can tell the difference.
Howard asked what the caller asked. The guy asked his question again. Howard said he was exhausted after that Terry Gross interview. He said he's not sure if it sold any books. He said it was a good interview. He said who knows what sells books anyway.
Howard said he's doing Colbert and then Anderson Cooper this week. He said that's it. He said he did Conan's podcast too. He said that's not out yet (it's out today). Howard said he loves that guy. Robin said it's out on the 27th. Howard said he's doing Colbert on Tuesday. He said he asked the P.R. team to not have him do anything on Monday or Tuesday. He said he laid that down and he asked not to do Wednesday but he'd do that if he has to. He said they ended up booking him on a Tuesday for Colbert. He said he loves Stephen but he doesn't want to do his show on a Tuesday. He said he wishes they'd get another guest. He said they tape at 5 or 5:30. He said that would be like asking someone to go and perform at 3:30 in the morning. He said he's usually in bed by 6. He said he's just fucking grouchy. He said he's just an irritable fuck.
Robin said it looked like he had fun on The View. Robin said it looked like they were all talking to him off the air. Howard said he had to call Whoopi off the air and ask what she was saying to him because he wasn't able to hear her. He said that she told him that Robin Williams wasn't angry with him toward the end. She said that he knew what it was all about. He said he thinks she was like that person she played in the movie Ghost and talked to Robin Williams after he died. Howard said they should put her in more movies. He said she was trying to make him feel better about Robin Williams. He said she's the sweetest. Robin said she was shocked about how much they were trying to talk to him off the air.
Howard said that woman Sunny was not sunny at all off the air. He said she told him she's not a fan and she was told she had to read the book and then she said she read the book and she loved it. Howard asked if he was supposed to know who she is. He said she told him he won her over and he doesn't care anymore. He said he has done it all in this business. He said she can't lecture him about that. He said if she's Sunny then he's Energetic.
Howard said she said he used the N-word and he was shocked by that. Robin said that's what's wrong. She said she was stating that like it was a fact. Robin said she doesn't like that. Robin said she has to reevaluate what she thinks about Sunny. Howard said he wanted to go out in the audience and sit with them asking what they thought had just happened. He said he had to work hard up there with that group. He said he should have done that. Robin said be careful what you say. She said they're not facts at all. Howard said she's sort of hot too. Robin said she said she hated Howard because he said the N-word. Howard said he thought that was the Greaseman.
Howard said they were very nice to him over there. He said the whole idea was to go on and try to get people to read his book. He said he wanted them to know they'd have a good time with it. Robin said that's why she was upset when Sunny said that Howard used the N-word. Howard asked what he's supposed to do about that.
Howard said he enjoyed the Terry Gross thing but it was exhausting. He said he did that for 2 hours. He said he'd rather mix it up and talk about his book instead of just his therapy.
Howard said there was a weird thing that JD mentioned. He said that he could barely hear him on The View because one of the women was coughing so much. He played some audio that JD pulled from the show where someone was coughing over him when he'd talk.
Howard asked if Robin hears that. Robin said she didn't notice that. Howard said they were talking earlier there and it would cost about 8 bucks to put in a cough button for each of them. He said he has one for Gary for his throat clearing problem.
Howard said he got bleeped twice on The View. He played a clip where he said he would come again and they bleeped it out. He said something about coming again and often. They cut it out. Howard said he just said he was going to come again all over you or something like that. He said he didn't know. He said he was just having a good time. He said he didn't know it was dirty. He said it wasn't that bad.
Howard said Whoopi told him when they first met. He said they met when they did a show over in England. Howard said she asked for any pictures from back then and he found some. He said that's when he asked for her phone number so he could call and talk to her about Robin Williams. He said he called her and she was nice. He said it was a quick conversation and it was sweet. He said he thinks she was just trying to make him feel better. He said he doesn't think Robin said anything to her about Howard Stern. Howard said he felt like he was bothering her when he called too. He said it was on a Saturday and she sounded really chill.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had a physical therapist at his house and he saw Howard's book on his table and he said he had just heard him on Terry Gross. He said he said he's going to go buy the book now. Howard said maybe it does work then. The caller said he lives in Vermont and NPR is big up there. Howard said they say that Vermont is a good place to sell books sine they don't have TV in a lot of areas up there. The caller said that's true. Howard said Vermont is beautiful though. He said they read and collect leaves up there. Howard said that's his speed up there. He said he used to go up there. He said it was nice.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the Terry Gross interview was great. Howard said they edited it into two shows instead of one. He said they must have liked it. The caller said the great thing is that Howard wasn't ''on'' during that interview. He said he loved every bit of it. He also said he loved the book. He asked Howard how much discussion he has with Fred and Robin about renewing his contract. Howard said he doesn't think they talk about it. He said he and Fred never talk. He said he and Robin don't really talk about the contract stuff. He said they probably should. He said he talks to Robin all the time. He said he'll bitch to her about things. He said they don't really sit down and talk about it. Robin said they don't talk about what they're going to do. Howard said it would be kind of silly to do that. He said they all negotiate themselves. Howard asked what's up with the caller's phone. The caller said he'll fix it for him. Howard said he shouldn't have said anything. The caller asked if he talked to Robin and Fred about being on board if he goes on. Howard said he just assumes. He said if they do it again he might have to do that. He said that he and Robin have talked about it a little bit. He said if Sirius wants them again he would talk to Robin.
Howard said his wife was sleeping this morning and he wanted to watch the last 15 minutes of Game of Thrones and he didn't want to go to work. He said he looked at Beth sleeping and she's snoring there. He said he has a tirade every morning about going to work. He said he had an hour to watch Game of Thrones and it was an hour and 20 minutes. He said he just started it and he knew he only had an hour. He said timing was key. He said the remote was dead when he picked it up. He said he has spent a fortune on this system he has. He said nothing works. He said Beth complains about it and he says he knows. He said he had even less time to watch Game of Thrones. He said he's a walking tirade. Howard said he had to charge his remote for 7 minutes so he had even less time to watch the show.
The caller said he's trying to sell to everyone though. Howard said he's trying to sell to book readers. The caller said he would like to see him on some shows that he watches. Howard asked if he only watches FOX News. Howard said he has no problem going on those shows.
Howard said he picked the top 50 and did those. He said all he was worried about was what sells books. The caller said he should try to do those other shows. Howard said he did enough shows. He said he's not sure what to tell this guy. He said he spent 2 years writing this book and he did all of this promotion. He said he doesn't like this guy Rod. He said he's sitting here fighting with him. He said it's like asking him to do Saturday Night Live and shows like that. He said he can only do so many shows.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw his book at a dance recital he was at over the weekend. He said someone's mom is into the book. Howard said that's a good way to promote the book.
Howard said he's getting a lot of feedback about the shows he's doing. He read some mail about the Jimmy Fallon appearance. He said he wasn't planning on putting Mariann on but he brought her up there. He said he thought it would be funny and it was. Robin said she was hiding behind her hair. Howard said she did a good job. Howard had her on the phone. Mariann said she was stressed over the whole weekend. She said she took an Uber over there and then she got stuck in traffic from a helicopter crash. She said she got to hug him on live TV. She said Howard and Fallon were so great. She said Jimmy came out after the show and talked about how great he is for 25 minutes. Howard said no kidding. Mariann said screw that Sunny. She said they were booing her. Howard said she represents those people who he's trying to reach. Howard thanked Mariann for the call. They played her off.
Howard said they were talking to Mariann last week and she said she didn't have a ticket. He said the Fallon people called asking if they wanted her there. Howard said Mariann is doing so much book promotion that he had to get her in there. Howard said she called into Jillian Barberie's KABC radio show to promote the book. Howard played a clip of that call. He said it sounds like they're battling over who is the bigger fan. Jillian said that she has preordered the book and she will be getting it.
Howard said Mariann called into Chris Booker's show Amped too. Howard played that clip and said it sounds like Booker is doing his show through an Amp. The sound quality was awful. Howard did an impression of the muffled sounding show. JD said that he sent him that audio that he had recorded on his phone so that's not what it sounds like.
Howard said Mariann called into another show in Texas. He played that clip and Mariann got in a plug for the book Howard Stern Comes Again.
Howard said Sour Shoes called into a show as Mariann. He said this was the Michael Kay show. Howard played the clip and Sour's impression didn't fool one of the guys. He said he thinks that was Sour Shoes. Howard said this is amazing. He said that was Sour Shoes calling in as Mariann promoting his book.
Howard said Mariann is a very loyal fan. He said she was on the Today show too. He played a bit where they had a clip of Mariann screaming over them promoting the book on the show. Howard had her on Wheel of Fortune and Game of Thrones too. Howard said he has to take a break now. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard said he liked that. He said he was shocked that he liked it. Robin said she just bailed after Howard was done. Howard said they were fun to watch. He said it was a bit of an education for him. Robin said she enjoyed the George Stephanopoulos interview too. Howard said they were having fun.
Howard said he has been listening to The Circle and they have an album out called ''At your Service.'' He said it's a kick ass album. He said Sammy is on to something. He said the guy appears to be having fun doing it. He said he can still sing too. Howard played some stuff off of that album. He said this is really good. He said the drums are solid and the guy on guitar is good. He let the song play for a short time. He said check out the album. He said he can't play the whole thing today. Robin said maybe they should.
Howard played a couple more clips from the album. He said he'll do this quickly. They do a bunch of covers of Van Halen and Led Zeppelin songs. Howard said she would go see these mother fuckers. He said she wishes they'd come to his house and do this. Howard said that was The Circle and the album is ''At Your Service.''
Howard said he has to talk about this guy DJ Khaled. Robin said she wanted to talk to him about that Saturday Night Live appearance. Robin said she's never seen anything like it. She said all he does is yell out his own name. Howard said they'll talk more about that later in the show.
Howard said he was talking to Conan about some stuff. He said that Conan's podcast is out on Memorial day. Howard said he thought it was out today. He said he's not sure why it's Memorial day. Howard said he just got a note saying it's out today. Gary said they told everyone it was coming out Memorial day but it's out now. He said they just looked 2 minutes ago. Howard said his podcast is out now.
Howard asked the caller what he has going on over there. The caller asked if he can hear him. Howard said yes. He said come on. The caller said he read the book and it was very touching and moving to him how he talked about how Rosie O'Donnell moved him. He said he also wanted to know about some great guests on his show from many years ago. Howard said they were all good. The caller said if he does retire he should put out some of the old shows. Howard said maybe he'll do that. The caller said he would rather pay for that than what's on radio today. Howard said the deal he made with Sirius says if he does leave they have his archives for the next 12 years or something. He said their plan is to do something like that.
Howard said he will give you some phony phone call action here. He said he has fake Melania calling into a Swap Shop show trying to sell the Mueller report. Howard played the call and fake Melania was trying to sell the report on the show but they cut her off multiple times saying they just went too far. Howard went to break after playing that.
Howard said how about that phony phone call. Robin said that was great. Robin and Howard talked about some of the things fake Melania talked about in the call.
Howard said speaking of weird shit they had Jimmy Kimmel there last week and had fake Alex Jones on. He said the real Alex Jones watched the video they released. He said go watch it if you haven't seen it. He said the real Alex Jones commented on it. He had some audio of him talking about how he would never claim that Jimmy Kimmel and George Soros ran child kidnapping rings. Howard said he was upset they had George Soros eating babies.
Howard asked Gary about what happened with Alex Jones. Gary said they reached out to them on social media and he called them back when they asked to speak to them. Gary said they acted like they called them to find out if he was upset about the bit or not and that's not what happened. Howard asked why he would say that. Gary said because most of what comes out of his mouth isn't true. He said he has to make it seem like they need him.
Howard played a clip of Alex talking about how he's sure he's done more wild stuff than Howard and Jimmy combined. Howard said he's not arguing with that. He said there's not a person on the planet who hasn't done more wild stuff than him.
Alex said he can't believe that their producer called and thought he was mad about this. He said now Howard pisses on people when they do this kind of thing. Alex said they claim they have poison in their supplements. Howard said this guy said Sandy Hook was fake or something along those lines. He said he can't beat that. He said he is definitely wilder than him. He said in his personal life he's not wild at all.
Howard said Alex suggested that he take vitamin B12 because of his cancer scare. He said then he injected himself with B12 on the air. Howard played a clip of Alex doing that. Alex was talking about taking vitamin B12 and injected himself on the air. Alex said it's pure, clean energy. He said it goes right into your bloodstream. Alex said if Howard wants to live he should take military grade vitamin B12.
Robin said he said a few weeks ago he was suffering a psychotic episode and that's why he said the things about Sandy Hook. Robin asked if he's okay.
Howard said fake Alex Jones isn't that far off of the real Alex Jones. He said that this is Alex doing a commercial for something with ''deep earth crystals'' in it. He said it's the best atomic iodine out there.
Howard took a call from fake Alex Jones who said he needs the deep earth crystals. He said if you don't have it you'll have withdrawals. Alex took an injection of something for him and he said that was the wrong thing. He said give him the Meth... or atomic iodine next. Then he got a delivery of some crystals that the guy said was crushed glass. Fake Alex said people have to pray for him and his InfoWars show. Howard said please send him some of those crystals. Howard let fake Alex go a short time later. Alex wouldn't hang up though. He had a bunch of InfoWars clips he played to keep Howard on the line. Howard eventually hung up and went to break.
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Howard came back and said he has Adam Carolla there. He said Adam's stand up special is not on Netflix like he thought. He asked how he didn't end up on Netflix. Adam said he doesn't know what's going on. He said he releases everything himself. He said he did ask but they said no. He said he went full independent. Howard said he knows his podcast is done in front of a live audience. He said this is the firs time he ever did stand up. Adam said he's been doing stand up off and on for years but he never crafted an hour special. Howard asked if it was hard because he's famous. Adam said he had been doing stand up before. He said he was doing that before he met Jimmy and all of that. Howard said he thought he was a carpenter or a plumber or something. Adam said he did do that too. He said he wasn't very good at stand up so he was taking improv classes and he was a carpenter and all of that and then he met Jimmy and did all of that. He said then it all went away in 08 and 09. He said he had no job.
Howard asked if he freaked out that he had no job. Adam said he did. He said radio turned upside down after Howard left. He said everyone did their own thing. He said the economy dropped and everything went away so he had to do something. He said all he had was a name and no act. He said he started booking himself doing clubs and theaters. He said he started traveling the country.
Howard said he always assumed Jimmy was his partner but he did the late night thing by himself. He said he wondered where that left him. Adam said it left him in Dekalb, Illinois. He said he played a place that had a Jack in the Box on the roof. Howard said it has to be hard doing that after doing what he had done.
Adam said he had a lot of success already so he had his feet under him. He said he just had to start putting an act together. He said next thing you know he was playing theaters. He said he thought he should do a stand up special eventually so here we are today.
Howard said Adam has this podcasting thing going and now he has a contract to keep him going until 2023. He said he has 1.6 billion downloads or something. Adam said they don't make it up but they cook it. He said that's four guys who have listened to it on a loop for 9 years. Howard said you might as well say 7 billion downloads. Adam said he gets paid and it all worked out.
Howard said it's interesting because Jimmy was in the other day. He said he mentioned Crank Yankers so is he working on it too. Adam said he is. He said Jimmy likes to do it over the phone. Howard said Crank Yankers is phony phone calls with puppets to it. He said that way you have something to watch. Adam said when they first did it they had to come up with calls and do it hands on. He said now they have help. He said both of them are busy now. Howard said it used to be a team effort but now they have more people helping. Adam said Jimmy is big and busy and he's medium and busy. He said they have to have some help. He said Chef Boyardee didn't make every ravioli himself. He said he was overseeing the kitchen. He said that's what they're doing.
Howard asked why they canceled Crank Yankers. Adam said he really doesn't know. He said that he talked to Jimmy about doing it again but he didn't know how it came about. Howard said he liked Crank Yankers because they had people like Kevin Nealon making calls and he was really funny. Howard asked when it's going to be on air again. Adam said early next year probably. He said they're just in pre-production now. He said he'll be in it too. He said he does Mr. Bircham. He said he was a Viet Nam veteran who yells at people. He said the thing he learned from doing phony phone calls is that you can say super crazy things and people will laugh at you. He said then you get serious and they get serious too. He said he did one that they never cleared. He said he called a moving company and said his wife was really big and he needed to have her moved. He said that the transportation to the hospital was not moved so he called the moving company. He said that Mr. Bircham called asking them to do the move instead of the ambulance. Adam said this guy was laughing at him and you could hear him telling the guys in the room. He said at a point he gets real indignant and he calls him out on that. He said that he said he'd appreciate it if he treated it seriously. He said the guy had a 3 year old daughter who breaths through a trache. He said the guy ended up yelling at him when he joked that she was a smoker and she brought it on herself.
Howard said that has to be the hardest part when you ask for clearance to play that. Adam said that you need some kind of gift card to give them to get them to approve. Howard asked if you can let go of something like that. Adam said they try to let them cool down. Howard said phony phone calls are the best. Adam said they really are.
Adam said he was driving past a fire hydrant the other day and pictured kids playing outside in the summer by one. He said for young white guys phony phone calls were like that for them as kids. He said his kid will never know that. He said he's busy playing Fortnite right now. Adam said this was one of the first things he and Jimmy talked about doing when they met. He said Jimmy would do claymation and stuff for calls. He said they wanted to illustrate phony phone calls. Howard said he's glad they're bringing that back. He said that will be on Comedy Central.
Howard said he would tell his kids about doing phony phone calls. He said his kids had made a call one day and he wondered what he had done by telling them what he does at work. He said that he had to lecture them not to make calls like that. He said he came across as a hypocrite.
Howard said Jimmy was on talking about his comedy club and how it looks like his house. Howard asked if Adam has played there. Adam said he did and it was good. He said he went in and played opening night. He said after the show he went downstairs. He said down there they have this area that looks like Jimmy's bar in his house. He said he has Crank Yankers puppets out there and he immediately called his attorneys about that. He said it was great for anyone who has spent time at Jimmy's house because it's a Doppelganger of his bar. Howard said even Jimmy didn't know that they were going to do it just like his house. Adam said his bar is beautiful so why reinvent the wheel. Howard said they saw it once and recreated it.
Howard asked if he is closer to Jimmy than he could ever be. He said he and Jimmy were planning a trip to Italy. Adam said he has been there with him and it's overrated. Howard said he canceled the trip. Adam said it's no good traveling with Jimmy. He said he's super sweet and super everything but then what happens is that his wife got sick and Jimmy was the one running to the store for her. He said when they got home his wife said that she was good on the trip because of Jimmy. Adam said he was the douche.
Howard asked Adam if he thinks that he'll always be friends with Jimmy because they've done so much together. He said that he describes in his new book that he got a nice pillow from Jimmy. Adam said he got one of those travel neck donuts from Jimmy. Howard asked if he gets jealous of his friendship. Adam said Jimmy is living his dream. He said that he didn't want to be his friend. He said he was just his boxing coach. He said what Jimmy wanted was to be gay for Howard and Huey Lewis. He said he loved Letterman too. He said his goal was to hang out with Howard Stern, Huey Lewis and David Letterman. He said Jimmy wanted to hang out with a bunch of old dudes. Adam said everyone else wants to bang 19 year olds and not putz around with 56 year olds.
Howard said Adam is right about that. He wanted to hang out with his idols from when he was a little boy. Howard said when Jimmy got single he thought he was going to go out and be a whore master. He said he didn't do that though. Adam said Jimmy met Huey Lewis and didn't meet the rest of the band. He said they go out fishing now. He said it's really not that hip to be square. He said it's hipper to get laid.
Howard said he's not sure that Huey Lewis is that cool. He said that he likes Huey but that says a lot about a person. Adam said that it's probably not a great indictor about music acumen. He said that in terms of loyalty it's good. He said he fly fishes with the guy. He said he's been to Huey Lewis concerts with Jimmy. He said that was before Huey was even Huey. He said that they didn't go back stage or anything. Howard said he doesn't know anyone who is that into Huey Lewis. Adam said Jimmy likes what he likes. He said he's insanely loyal.
Howard asked if he has ever been on a trip with Jimmy and Huey. Adam said Huey is the greatest guy in the world. He said he has hung out with him at Jimmy's house. He said he has some hearing issues but he you don't need to hear to smoke weed and fish.
Adam said Jimmy loved Howard and it took him a while to get to Howard. He said they bought his book Private Parts when it came out. He said they went to the book store together in 1993 or 94. Howard asked if it's weird that they're not that close now. He said he put up with all of that stuff for years. He said he was there from the beginning. Adam said he's not sure how his wiring is. He said he loves Jimmy and he has a great bond with him. He said it's been 25 years and he loves him as much as he ever has. He said he loves somewhere else and he has kids and 1000 jobs. He said he's traveling all the time. He said they get together as much as they can. Howard said they're guys so they don't have to get together that much. Adam said he admires him from afar. He said it's weird to hear him on Howard Stern because he catches up with him there. Howard said that's weird that you can catch up with him that way.
Howard said Adam was upset about the Rock and Roll hall of Fame and Janet Jackson getting in and not performing. Howard said he agrees with him there. Adam said if you get in and don't perform you don't get in. He said if you listen to her music it's horrible, dated junk. He said it's like a Spuds Mackenzie commercial from the 80s. He said you should have to perform. He said she didn't and he suspects she couldn't perform. He said she'd have to have a big thing set up. Howard said he saw Paula Abdul doing a show somewhere and he didn't think she was singing at all. He said she was just dancing around. Adam said that Janet Jackson isn't going to just sit there behind a piano and play something. He said Lady Gaga can knock something out like that but Janet Jackson has to do something like The Wall.
Howard played a clip of David Alan Grier on the show talking about how he can't hang out with Adam anymore because of his right wing politics. He said he hasn't been on his show in years.
Howard asked Adam what happened there. Adam said he always thought he was insanely talked and they just fit together. He said they would hang out together. He said he'd go to his house and watch fights. He said they'd go out to bars and stuff. Howard said he can't do that with people. He said no matter who it is he can't go out to a bar with someone. He said he gets exhausted and has to go home. Adam said David did some stuff for them and he did Crank Yankers. He said he'd get him involved in anything he could. He said they had a professional and personal relationship. Adam said he dint talk to him and have a falling out. He said there's something going on and it's really not fair. Howard asked when he knew he had something going on. Adam said David is nuts. He said he'll fall off for a few years and not get back to you. Howard said maybe he's not mad at him. Adam said if he saw him he's sure he would hug him. He said he thinks so anyway. He said he's nuts but he's fun. He said you'd hang out with him but if he wanted to date your sister you'd tackle your sister and tell her to run.
Adam said he has a podcast and he doesn't book it. He said he just shows up and asks who they've got. He said what ends up happening is they have Rob Reiner and Bryan Cranston on but he has Tucker Carlson and guys like that on. He said he has guys from both sides on and everything in the middle. He said he looks at them all like they're personalities. He said the side of Bryan Cranston and David don't think the other side should have a platform. He said if you have on the other side they get upset. He said that there are a lot of people on the right and the Hollywood folks on the left don't like that they are able to speak. Adam said he likes to give both sides the chance to speak and then you decide.
Howard said he tends to agree with Adam that it's kind of lame if you don't talk to Tucker Carlson and only have one side on. He said that he wouldn't shy away from having a Bill O'Reilly on the show.
Howard asked if David called him about this and asked if he's a trump supporter. Adam said he never called him. He said he didn't have any idea what was going on. He said it had been years since he was on the show and his booker said that he called and didn't get a call back. Howard said Adam has no beef with David then. Adam said it wasn't surprising to him what he said about him because he is erratic. He said there's a lot of this going on in our society right now. He said it sounds self involved and arrogant. He said the guests he has on are his business and not anyone else's.
Howard asked if he is a Trump supporter. Howard said he voted for Hillary himself an he's been talking about that. Adam said he's not a Trump supporter but he's a President supporter and a United States supporter. He said he'd like him to excel so the country can excel. He said that he's not that interested in doing a demonizaton of Trump. He said he doesn't want to tell his daughter that the president has declared war on her Fallopian tubes. He said that you take care of your own business. Howard said you're going to get blow back on that when it's about abortion. He said that this whole thing feels weird. He said people are passionate about it. Adam said god bless Alyssa Milano and her crazy tweets. He said if you've been around long enough and heard the doom and gloom you know that it will work out. Howard said this is why David is upset. He said that this world is being destroyed and he thinks that it's true that it's going to be a disaster. Adam said he does everything he can do to help with that so he has LED bulbs and all of that. He said Dr. Drew was telling him to reach out to David. He said he shouldn't have to be the one. He said he didn't do anything. Howard said he'd love to broker that meeting.
Howard said Adam has this stand up special called Not Taco Bell Material. He said that refers to Taco Bell telling him that he's not Taco Bell material. Adam said he went to a Taco Bell to get a job and they rejected him. He said he was 15 and a half and they rejected him. He said that was on a list of things that were soul crushing to him. He said that was way back in a line of other things though.
Howard said he would love to read the paper where they said what it was about him that was wrong. Adam said he thinks back on it and he thinks that he was functionally illiterate. He said the application looked like a note from the Unabomber he's sure. He said that if you looked at his printing from that age you'd think he was going to shoot up a school. He said he's left handed and he wasn't able to spell. He said they probably looked at it and just turned it down.
Adam said he worked at McDonald's and he made the burgers there. He said that he remembers the lingo from there. He said one day he was working and they had the filet-o-fish in the warming tray too long. He said he was told to throw them all out. He said he got them all and walked out back to the dumpster and it was the most food he'd had in a long time. He said he wanted to see how many he could shove in his mouth at once. Howard said he's very encouraged by this news. He said he didn't know they had a time limit to get rid of them.
Howard said when the burgers come out how do they cook them. Adam said they're in a cooler and you reach down and grab one. He said his manager would reach down and get like 8 at a time. He said he would lay them all down and sear them. He said he looked at him like he would be able to do that one day. He said 20 minutes later he was like ''Fuck this place.'' Howard said he remembers being a dish washer and cleaning dishes for 1000 people. He said he was told he was a great dish washer. He said he was all proud about that but he always beloved in doing a good job. Adam said he thinks that has carried through in his whole career. He said if there are kids listening now his loser friends would say they would do a kick ass job if they had a job. He said just start doing things right. Howard said that you have to do your best.
Adam said that Jimmy would come in early and stay late. He said that was his ethic and he carried it straight into late night. He said he took that and brought it everywhere. Howard said he would do that kind of thing when he was starting out. He said he wanted to learn. Adam said people don't fully appreciate the repetitive work that Howard and Jimmy and he does. He said you get up and do your job and don't cut corners. He said people think it's show business so not all the rules apply. He said the rules apply to you doing this or running a bakery.
Howard said he saw the guy who was the last Bachelor and he asked what he does for a living. He said the guy wants to be in show business. He said he was thinking that this mother fucker wants to be in show business. He said if you want to be successful you have to put in a lot of hours. He said you can't just be a host because you want to be.
Adam said he was a boxing coach and all of these other things. He said he does a lot but it's all the same. He said it's a muscle that you have to hone and shape. He said writing a book is no different. He said you sit down and focus and do your work.
Howard asked if he thinks he would be managing a few store's if he had gotten that Taco Bell job. Adam said he thinks that he'd have parts of San Fernando Valley and Arcadia by now.
Howard said if you work hard you'll do okay in life. Adam said he always thought of carpentry as very pure. He said it doesn't favor you or care what you look like. He said if you're a good carpenter you'll never be out of work. He said he asks who is every out of work when you're good at your job. He said carpenters are never out of work if they're good at their job. Howard said his father was good at carpentry. He said he never said to him come down and learn something. He asked Adam where he got that skill. Adam said he got out of high school and never went to college. He said he was functionally illiterate. He said he had never filled out an application. He said he ended up on a construction site. He said you're a laborer. He said you do that and then you get to be an apprentice. He said you learn how to do things from that guy.
Howard said Adam was the captain of the high school football team. He said he must have been popular. Adam said he wasn't really. He said he was the class clown too.
Howard said Adam said he wasn't surprised that Robert Kraft went to a rub and tug. Adam said he didn't go to the expensive ones because people would have found out and followed him around. He said that a guy wants what a guy wants. He said years ago they did Crank Yankers with Eminem. He said that year he had made $55 million and he ended up buying lunch for them an he got Taco Bell for everyone. He said that's because Eminem likes Taco Bell. He said the reason Robert Kraft went there is because that's what he likes. He said that's what he craves. He said his cock craves that. Adam said he has never been to one but he thinks it shouldn't be called Rub and Tug. He said it should be a Tug and Rub. He said you get the tug out of the way and then you rub away. Howard said he likes the rub and then the tug. He said he's never done that either though. Adam said he wouldn't know when it's time for the tug.
Howard said Adam talks about the lasagna test. He asked what that is. Adam said he saw a picture of Sarah Silverman in a picture where you could see her titties in the mirror. Howard said he saw that and it was shocking. Adam said she was complaining about it being censored. He said that back in the 80s he went into a radio station and he was told you can't say ''tits'' on the air. He said that you can say jugs but not tits. He said it was self imposed. He said there's no reason to adhere to those rules. He said the lasagne thing is that he can't understand where they are in censorship. He said they have a commercial for My 700 Pound Life or whatever and they have a guy's tits hanging out and you're looking at this shit like you don't want to see that guy's huge tits. He said you turn on Survivor and they have a 28 year old blonde model and her bikini bottom comes down and shows her ass crack. He said they blur that out. He said this guy with the huge areolas and they don't blur that out. He said the rules are arbitrary. He said that he says that the rule should be that if you're eating lasagne and you don't push it away then you don't censor it. He said that if you push it away then it should be censored.
Adam said on terrestrial radio they can say tits now. He said they started saying ''titty bar'' and that was the stepping stone. Howard said that blows him away. He said that back in the day just saying ''kick ass rock and roll'' would get backlash. He said then it was saying douche bag. Adam said now you look back and wonder what we were thinking.
Howard asked if Adam watches Game of Thrones. Adam said he didn't. He said he watches Jimmy's show of course. He said he watches car shows and MMA fighting shows. Howard said he thinks MMA guys could beat up boxers. Adam said they're getting really good. He said the sport is growing very fast too. He said it wasn't even sanctioned in New York a few years ago. He said when he first saw it the MMA stuff was guys on the ground. Howard said they had blood and pulling hair and stuff and it was amazing.
Adam said he thinks it's growing so fast because we get too much of one thing and then you want the other. He said that it's like Nirvana and Motley Crue. He said Nirvana was the opposite of Motley Crue. He said that MMA is growing so fast because we're turning into pussies as a society. He said that on one spectrum we're turning into pussies so they turn to the MMA for the opposite thing. He said in 20 years everyone will be in an octagon or in a safe space.
Howard asked if Adam's son is gay because he said something about that. Adam said he was joking about that. He said he has some material about the difference between raising a son and raising a daughter. He said he figured in 20 years he might be a gay guy. He said he's in the 7th grade now and he's going to end up getting bullied for not being gay by the time he's in high school. He said he joked in his special that he has just accepted that he will be gay and he can only hope that he'll be a top.
Howard said Adam is doing very well with the podcast thing. He asked if he does it every day. Adam said he does. He said he does documentaries too. He said he has some docs about Paul Newman and other racers. He said you can find out more about all of this on his web site Chassy.com.
Howard said he heard about the Mad Magazine documentary they're doing. He said he doesn't want to be in it. He said Adam did email him about it. Adam said he did this documentary about Paul Newman and they interviewed some other racers who ended up passing away. He said they were going to do Newman and they lined up a bunch of people do it. Howard asked if Paul was a real race car driver. Adam said he was and he owns all of his cars. He said he races those cars too. Howard said that guy was fearless. Adam said that guy discovered race car diving around 45 years old and it became a passion for him. He said he was on tour and traveling the country racing. Howard said he was an amazing guy. He said he raised a lot of money for charity. Robin said they're still doing it. Adam said you can see all of that in the documentary. He said they would go to Road Atlanta and they'd be there for days. He said Paul was cooking for everyone and making the salad dressing for everyone.
Howard said he wondered what he was doing by doing that. He said it must have made him happy. Robin asked what Howard is doing painting. Howard wondered that himself.
Howard said he didn't realize how long they've been talking. He said Adam should have said he had to leave. Adam said his favorite thing to do is sit and talk to Howard. Howard thanked him for that. He reviewed what they have learned today. They talked about the stand up special and Adam said he's really proud of that. Howard said he reveals what he made over his career in that. He said he starts out at McDonald's making $275 and then he talks about making a million by 1998.
Robin asked what he thinks about the college scandal. Howard said he said something about doing that for his son since he's a bad student. Adam said his son is a bright kid but he's a bad student.
Howard wrapped up with Adam and gave him some plugs for his special and web site AdamCarolla.com. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard asked if Fred watches Game of Thrones. Fred said he does not. Howard said why be up on things for a comedy show. Fred said he tried to watch it but he wasn't able to get into it.
Howard said they have news to do. He said he was going to recap but they should just get into it. They played a Little Mikey song parody about Robin. Howard said he's glad they played that one. He said it might be his favorite. He said that he says ''Wet Vagina'' instead of West Virginia. He said his voice is bad enough to be good. He said he likes Mikey's voice.
Robin started her news asking if Howard heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger was drop kicked in South Africa. Howard said he did and he was very upset when he saw that video. Robin said he does charity events and talks to people. Robin said this guy leaps into the air and kicks him in the back. Howard said that bummed him out. Robin had some of the audio from the video. Howard asked who was yelling. Gary said it was the guy who did the kick and he was yelling out that he needs a Lamborghini. Howard said it's a fucked up world we live in.
Howard took a call from Jennifer who called in last week. He said she sued to be a hooker and they were on their way to get a DNA test to find out if it was this guy's baby. Howard said she said there was no way it wasn't his baby. Howard said he has her on the line now with the result. Jennifer said they got the results Friday night. Howard asked if it's his baby. She said it is his and they say it's a probability of 99.99999 percent that it's his. Howard said there you go. He thanked her for giving them the results. Jennifer told Howard he was great on The View. Howard thanked her for that too. Robin said now be happy with that baby.
Howard let Jennifer go and read some email about his appearance on The View. He had a bunch about that. Howard said he was always able to make old women laugh. He said he got good reviews about the interview he did on the Terry Gross show. He read through some of that too.
Howard said High Register Sean is getting good feedback on the show too. He read some email about Sean.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Steve Croft announcing he's leaving 60 Minutes. Robin said he announced that last night. Robin had the audio of Steve making his announcement. Howard asked who is left over there that he'd even know. He said he knows Ed Bradley passed away. He said he knew Steve. He said Morley Safer is gone. Robin said Mike Wallace is gone. She said Leslie Stahl is still there. Howard told Benjy that he didn't mention any of his writers there. Howard said he loves being home and not leaving his house. He said he heard Steve talking about wanting to do things. He said he'd be happy staying home.
Robin read a story about people graduating from high school and college and people are making commencement speeches. She had some audio of Matthew McConaughey making a speech at his high school. Robin had a clip of him speaking. Howard said he's lecturing those kids there. He said his book makes a great graduation gift. Robin said Tim Cook made a commencement speech too. She had some audio of that speech. Howard said he's not sure what his speech would have been if he had made one. He said he would just plug the book.
Robin said Oprah made a commencement speech too. She had some audio of that. Howard said he wishes he was this full of himself to make a speech like that. He goofed on Oprah about that rambling speech. Howard said Jon Hein made a speech. He asked what he said. Jon told Howard what his theme was and how it was talent plus persistence equals luck. Robin had more of Oprah speaking and plugging her book. Howard said he was joking about hawking his book if he had made a speech. He said just shut up and let him throw his hat in the air. Robin said then she shared her mantra with the crowd. She had more audio to play. Howard said he's not sure what's wrong with him. He said he'd have to do it really slowly like Oprah did. He did his impression of her talking about herself. Robin had some audio of Oprah talking about her mantra which is ''Everything is always working out for me.'' Howard said she really is full of herself. Howard said not everything is always working out for him. He said he's divorced so it didn't all work out. Robin said that speech was live streamed too. Howard was doing his impression of what that speech sounded like to him.
Robin had Howard play the Game of Thrones theme. Robins said more than 10.5 million people may take off work today because they watched that finale last night. Robin said they say 27 million people will have their work affected by that show. Robin said even at work people are going to be talking, reading or posting about the show on the company's dime. Robin said professional counselors are making themselves available to talk to fans about the series end. Robin said they'll help them move on after 8 seasons of the show. Howard did his Gary impression talking about the show.
Robin said it was also the end of American Idol last night. Robin said they picked a winner. Howard said it should have been Alejandro. Robin said it hasn't him. Robin said it was Laine Hardy. Howard said you've got to be kidding. Robin had clips of the finalists on the show. Howard said he was a judge and he knows that Alejandro should have won. Howard said the one thing he didn't have was ''the look.'' Howard said he's like Fred. Robin said Fred looked good in a suit last week. Howard said Baba Booey got some good feedback about his look last week. Gary said he cut and pasted that and sent it to his wife and didn't get a response. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about the President informing the President of Iran that if they get into a war it will be their official end. Robin said he's not fooling around with them. Howard asked how that happened.
Howard said George Takei watched Game of Dongs last night. He had Sour Shoes doing his George Takei impression on the phone talking about watching Game of Dongs. Sour George said Game of Dongs starts with Khaleesi leaving the room and all of the guys sticking around. He said all the horses come at once. He had weird sounds playing while he was talking. George said he's going to make a commencement speech where he says life long and eat his ass. Howard let him go and did another live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a new chant at the rallies Trump is holding. Robin had some audio from a rally where they were chanting ''A.O.C. Sucks!'' Howard said politics have become like a football game. Robin said that's the same thing as yelling ''Lock her up.'' Howard said you can't keep going after Hillary. Robin said that's why they're going after Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Robin read a story about how president Trump was upset with FOX News for giving Pete Buttigieg any time on their air. Robin said he's not happy about them letting someone give opposing views. Robin had some audio from this Town Hall thing they did on FOX News. Robin said some candidates have turned down FOX but Pete went on. Howard said they should go there. Howard said that guy Buttigieg is a bright guy. Robin said she saw that George Stephanopoulos interview and Howard brought up the sex stuff with his wife and all of the education he has and he got all shy about that. Robin said he should be proud of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his cousin wasn't a big fan of his until he heard the NPR interview. He said he was impressed with him after that. He said he ended up buying the book. Howard said it must have worked then. The caller said he thinks what's really selling is the parts of the interviews he picked and how it shows a different side of him. Robin said she can't even keep up with all of the stuff Howard has been doing. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Joe Biden having his first rally as the front runner in the democratic party to run for President. Robin had some audio from that rally.
Robin read a story about Bernie Sanders being on TV last night. Robin said he thought he was the front runner until Biden came along so he vowed to only nominate Supreme Court justices that support Roe Vs. Wade. Robin had some audio of Bernie saying that.
Robin read a story about Leslie Jones doing a bit on Saturday Night Live this weekend that was incredible about the abortion ban in Alabama. Robin had some audio from that bit she did. Howard said he can't believe we're still having this debate. He said this should go nowhere. He said this has already been ruled on. He said Roe Vs. Wade is the law of the land already. He said there are millions of unwanted babies out there. He asked if these people who oppose abortions are going to take care of those babies. He said you have to get over it and use your head. He said don't get one if you don't want one. Howard said the good thing is that they'll have more Wack Packers if they do away with it. Robin said Wack Packers should be rare. Howard said he's been banging his head against the wall since he lost Eric the Actor.
Robin read a story about Bill de Blasio annoying he's running for president. Robin had some audio of a commercial he ran and Howard said he thought that was a very effective ad. Robin said that makes 24 people running for that democratic nomination. Howard said that will get weeded out pretty quick when they get to the primaries.
Robin read a story about some African American strippers that won an award against a club in Florida. Robin said they were made to work at another club that was less secure than Danny's Cabaret and they got less money there. They all sued and they were awarded $3 million. Danny's is asking for the judge to lower that award.
Robin read a story about Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost getting engaged. Howard said that's a hell of a catch. Robin said he's playing it right. Robin said he knows how to do it.
Robin read a story about a billionaire investor who is paying off loans for students at Morehouse College where he made a commencement. Robin read about how he announced that in his commencement speech.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was so happy seeing Mariann on the Fallon show with Howard. He said she was great on the show with Howard too. She said big shout out to Mariann. Howard said she is awesome. Howard said he brought her with him to Fallon but he didn't know he was going to call her out from the audience. He said they're kind of intimate there in that studio so he asked her to come up. He said she stared crying and hugging him and then started screaming.
Robin read a story about the organizers of Woodstock 50 and how it might not go. Robin said they have a new set of backers and they are back on.
Robin read a story about the number 1 movie at the box office being John Wick 3. Howard said it had to be that. He said all they do is kill and fight in that movie. Robin said that's the biggest opening for a John Wick movie ever. Howard said if he ever does another movie all he's going to do is kill people. Robin said she loved how the first one was about someone killing his dog. She said it's the best. Howard said in his movie someone hurts a dog and he goes crazy. He said he'll do the same thing. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show doing his Goldust impression with clips that Fred was playing. Howard asked if he could do that for a full hour and get no complaints. Howard said he'd tune in for that. He said it's enough with all of this talk.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to stop playing Gary clear his throat. He said it's making him clear his throat every time. Howard did his Gary impression clearing this throat while Fred played clips of Gary doing that.
Howard said Gary claims that he's got allergies but he has them year round. He said they've never gotten to the bottom of that phlegm problem. The caller said maybe he has a Jon Hein pube stuck in his throat. Howard said maybe that's it. He said Jon Hein claims that he used to be a projectionist in college and he got blown while he was doing that job. Howard said he worked in a movie theater at the time. Howard said Jon claims that he was delayed getting to the next reel when he was getting the blob job.
Howard said this is Jon making that claim. He had a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Jon talked about it. Michael Rapaport was on with them and they were talking about what they've done in movie theaters. Gary asked Jon if he has ever gotten anything like that. Jon told the guys the story about getting the blow job while he was the projectionist.
Howard said Jon Hit 'em with the Hein. He said you can make fun of him all you want but that happened. Robin said she doesn't believe him. She said she needs proof.
Howard said he heard a funny story about Shuli. He said Conan came there and did an interview for his podcast on Friday. He said it was a lot of fun. He said the podcast is up there if you want to hear that. He said Shuli was there working and his office is upstairs but he came down to Richard's office and he was trying to time it so he could hang out with Conan.
Howard had Richard come in to talk about that. Richard and Shuli came in. Shuli said this story is not accurate. Richard said that Shuli hardly comes down there but he thinks that he came in there to see Howard walk by. Howard asked why they would want that. Richard said when he was going to walk back to his office their office filled up with people. He said he thought it was funny but he thinks they just wanted Howard to see them there working.
Howard asked Shuli to come clean. Shuli said he was down there for like 2 minutes on Friday. He said he has to come down there for tons of stuff. He said he has to talk to Will and he will go in and talk to the guys in Richard's office. Richard was smiling and laughing. Howard asked why he's laughing. Richard said it was just so funny. He said 10 seconds after Shuli walked in Howard walked by in the hall. Shuli said he sees Howard every day. Howard said maybe he just wanted to be seen. Shuli said he's been working Fridays for the past 13 years.
Howard said he wishes he could give Shuli some truth serum right now. Robin asked what he was doing down there. Shuli said he has things to do. Howard asked what happened when he left. Richard said Shuli left.
Howard said when they did the CBS Sunday Morning taping Shuli was down there hiding in Madison's office. Howard said they should call the book Shuli Comes Again. He said it was just a little too convenient. He said he's going with Richard on this. He said he'd like to have his back but he can't go with it.
Richard said he thinks it was all about Howard and not even about Conan. Howard said maybe Shuli has a tracking device on him. Shuli said he has sources. He said he gets calls in his ear like the President.
Howard said he got a written synopsis of the story and it is pretty wild. Richard said it's crazy. Howard said Brent claims that he was making the woman cum really hard and things like that.
Brent came in and said that he doesn't believe Shuli saying he didn't want to see Howard down there. He said anyone can come in there and say anyone else is lying. He said Shuli is in there just trying to get cheap heat. He said he's claiming that he doesn't believe him. Shuli said at least he doesn't have to take his wife to get fucked by strangers.
Howard said the ''Brent is Lying'' thing is all over the place lately. He said there was a sign on some show over the weekend.
Howard said Shuli claims this isn't true. Brent went off on Shuli calling him short and Shuli called Brent fat. Brent defended himself saying that Shuli is the one who is gaining weight from eating fast food. The two of them were going back and forth with jabs at each other.
Shuli said they have to hear this story. Brent said he's going to heavy metal concerts and orgies. He asked what Shuli is doing. Shuli just laughed. Brent said Shuli has a clown ring going on his head. Shuli asked if he looks in a mirror. He asked if he sees the awful tattoos on his bad body. Brent said that he'll take him on any day.
Howard said he wants to ask about the orgy. He said Brent has talked about swinging and he imagines he got invited to the orgy because of those stories. Brent said this time the people who hosted it looked through people on this site. Shuli said this all has to do with him. He said he was the one who did the story about them. Brent said it had nothing to do with him.
Howard asked Brent where he found out about this orgy. Brent said he's on a swinger's site and they went through the people on there and invited them to the house. He said they probably had 4 stories in a walk up. He said the bottom level was blocked off for this orgy. He said you couldn't go into the other sections of the house. Howard asked how many people were there. Brent said there were 10 or 15 when he got there. Howard asked if there's money involved. Brent said you do make a donation for the products, cleaning and a DJ.
Howard said Brent said there were beds set up in there. Brent said it looked professionally set up and cleaned to him. Howard asked how he dressed. Brent said he had jeans and a cool looking shirt on. He said Katelyn had tight pants and her titties showing off in a shirt. Howard said that's how you get the attention of everyone else. Shuli said people look at him and think he must be a coke dealer.
Howard asked if people were nude when he got there. Brent said people were dressed when he got there. He said there were women there who were above average to really hot. He said they ranged from 5 to 10s. He said there were multiple 10s there. Howard said they must be almost models. Howard said Bradley Cooper's woman is a 10. Brent said there was one who was a dance instructor and she was half black and half Latina. He said her body was fuckin' rockin'. He said she was a 10 to him. Shuli asked if that's out of 100. Brent said Shuli is so jealous.
Howard said he'd walk right over to the 10. Brent said there were so many hot women there. He said he commented to his wife that every woman was good to very hot. He said she agreed and said it was very good. Howard asked if the men were 10s as well. Brent said they were. Howard asked where Brent is on that list. Brent said he's like a 7. Shuli laughed. Brent said Shuli is like a 2. Shuli said he's like a 4 and he better respect that.
Robin asked if there were male 10s there. Brent said there were. Richard asked if there were big wieners. Brent said they weren't huge. He said they were 6-8.
Howard asked when they read the rules. Brent said after a little while they had everyone gather up and they told them the rules. He said it was things like ''No means no'' and things like that. Howard said it's things like ''Don't cum in the trash cans.''
Howard said no one has fucked around yet. Brent said they were just getting to know each other. He said they had talked to about 6 couples by that point. Brent said they went out and smoked a joint with one couple. He said they got in a hot tub and you have to be nude in there. He said he folded his clothes up and put them where they wouldn't get wet.
Howard asked if he felt self conscious at all. Brent said not at all. He said he feels more comfortable being nude than in clothes. Shuli told him to strip down. Howard asked if they were the first to get nude. Brent said here were about 4 others who got in the hot tub. He said you talk to people and do some grab ass. Howard asked if people were touching his wife's ass. Brent said there was some of that in the hot tub.
Howard asked what Brent were doing. Brent said they were touching feet under the water. Howard asked if he was boned up in there. Brent said he was and the water was nice and warm so it was good for a boner.
Howard asked if they picked anyone yet. Brent said they went and got a drink and went to the playroom where they had beds and stuff. Howard asked if she was ready for the next step. Brent said she was. He said he put on his jeans and that was it. He said he kept his shirt off. He said Katelyn was wearing a thong and boots. He said she was topless. Howard said no kidding.
Howard asked what she was doing in the tub. Brent said she was talking to a guy and guys were squeezing her tits. He said she had some bruises on her arm and she explained that she was in a mosh pit at a concert recently.
Howard asked what was in the playroom. Brent said the host was there getting his dick sucked. He said he waved to him while that was happening. Brent said he asked how things were going. Shuli asked if he said something about that 7 walking into the room. Brent said he sucks.
Brent said there was a guy and another girl in the room and then some others came in. He said there was one girl who was touching his stomach. Shuli said there's a lot to touch there. Howard asked if she was commenting on his body. Brent said she was. He said she was like an 8 or 9. He said she had huge tits. Howard asked if his wife was upset with him. Brent said not at all. He said she was talking to a guy who was like 6'3''. Shuli asked if he was the hottest guy there. Brent said he has to stop with the comments.
Howard said he has to get to the story so he has to ask the guys to give it a break. He said don't let Shuli get in his ear. Howard took a call from Howard Core Brent who was at an orgy. Fake Brent said he was about 36 hours into an orgy and it's super fucking steamy. He talked about going to Steaming Demons concert and going to the orgy. He said he has a blonde blowing the fuck out of him. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard asked Brent what happened next. Brent told him about the people who were in the room and how two girls were making out on the bed. He said one of their husbands was there with him. He said that guy got next to his wife. He said the husband and the one girl paired up. Brent said he started eating this girl's pussy and it was real nice. He said she was completely shaved. He said she smelled good and all of that. Shuli asked if Brent is shaved completely. Brent said he's trimmed down. Howard said this is harder to follow than Game of Thrones.
Howard said Brent is going down on this girl and what is Katelyn doing. Brent said she's having sex. He said he's looking at her and going down on this girl. Shuli said there's nothing creepy about that. Howard said Brent has to stop reacting to Shuli.
Brent said the husband there asked if he can get with his wife. Brent said he gave him the okay. Howard said it was nice of him to ask. Brent said that's kind of how the community works. Shuli laughed again. Brent said that Katelyn was sucking and fucking another guy. He said this guy was kneeling next to her. Howard asked where the guy is who is fucking her. Brent had to explain the positions they were in. Howard asked if she was making noise. Brent said he didn't hear anything but his head was buried in this girl's pussy.
Brent said this girl ended up sucking his dick and it was like it was her job. He said she was doing it while looking up at him. He said he took a minute to look around while he was getting blown. He said she was sucking him and he's on the side of the bed. Robin asked what was going on in the room. Brent said there was a group of 4 next to him. Brent said there were people doing different things all over the place. Howard said this is crazy. Howard asked if he came. Brent said no way. He said he held out. Brent said he's been over stimulated his whole life so it takes a lot to get him to cum.
Howard said Brent claimed he made that girl cum very hard. Brent said she was shaking and squeezing her legs together. He said you know when a girl cums. Howard said Brent thinks he's a 7 and he makes girls cum hard. Shuli said he thinks he has a big dick too. Brent gave some advice on how to go down on a woman. Brent said you have to manipulate the clit with a hard tongue. Howard asked Robin if that's right. Robin said she would guess so.
Howard asked what happened next. Brent said she's blowing him and he's looking around taking everything in. He said one of the guys who was with Katelyn got u and left and then this other guy, the husband of the girl blowing him, got with Katelyn. He said the guy who was in her mouth is now fucking Katelyn. Brent said the husband comes over and starts eating her out while she's blowing him. He said this woman is sitting on another guy's face while she's blowing him. Then she's blowing another guy.
Brent said that Katelyn brought him a condom so she could see him fuck. He said he asked this girl if he could have sex with her. Howard asked who this new girl was. Brent said she was another girl in the room and she was like a 7.5 or and 8. He said she was on all fours blowing this guy. He said she had a body suit on and he asked if he could take her clothes off so he could have sex with her. He said she was really wet. He said he went right in with the head of his dick. He said she was super wet. Howard asked how long the fucking went on. Brent said it went on a while. He said that woman was eating out another woman after the guy left. Howard asked if that girl came. Brent said he has no idea. Shuli said that's the first honest thing he's said. Brent told him to shut up.
Howard said he wishes he was a 7 like Brent. Brent said Howard is a good looking guy but he lacks the confidence.
Brent said he took his condom off and put it in the receptacle. He said that they had places to do that. Howard asked if the room stinks at this point. Brent said not at all.
Brent said that he came back and Katelyn was with a husband and wife. Shuli said he can't believe that there were 10s in that room. Brent said there were like 2 out of 25. Howard said Katelyn got back into it with a husband and wife and then what. Brent said they were eating her pussy. He said she waved him over to her. He said then she was blowing him while the couple was eating her out. He said Katelyn was ready to go around 4 in the morning. The party had started around 11.
Brent said they got dressed and said goodbye to the host. He said he was walking around in a towel. Howard asked if they exchange numbers or anything. Brent said they have their info on the web site.
Howard asked if Katelyn was charged up over this. Brent said she was super charged up. He said they got in an Uber and she laid across his lap in the Uber. He said she had side zip pants and she put his hand on her pussy. Howard asked if she had cum yet. Brent said not yet. He said guys don't take their time with women. He said one thing didn't go on long enough. He said she takes some time. Shuli asked if she could have and she didn't want to tell him. Brent said no way. He asked why he would ask that.
Howard asked what the Uber driver did. Brent said that he moved the passenger seat Howard so they had more room. He said the drive didn't care. He said he didn't say a word. Howard asked if he finished her off with his finger. Brent said he would get her close to cumming and then he'd stop. He said he wanted to wait until they got home to finish her off. He said she had to get dressed again when they had to get out of the car.
Brent said they got inside and Katelyn was ready to go right then. He said she jumped on top of him and she knows how to cum when she's on top of him. He said she had a crazy orgasm. He said he was all charged up himself. Robin asked if Brent was doing any kind of medication for his penis. Brent said he may have done that on Saturday night. He said that was just to make sure.
Howard took a call from one of the women who Brent called a 10. The guys were playing Wendy the Slow Adult clips. They had her making cumming noises and answering yes to everything Howard asked. Howard took a call from Herpes who said he had a great weekend. Howard lased about 3 seconds with that. Howard said there's a lot of jealous guys in the back.
Howard asked what they did next. Brent said they went and got breakfast. He said he was so charged up that he couldn't sleep. He said he ended up eating her out again when they got home from breakfast. Shuli asked if he ate her out without her showering. Brent said he did. Shuli said he did that after all of those cocks were in there. Brent said they were all wearing condoms.
Howard asked Brent where they went for breakfast. Brent said they went to a deli across the street. He said she wanted it one more time during the day after sleeping. He said they talked about how great that night was. Howard said his dick would be on life support after something like this.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his name is Pinnochio. He said he was there with Brent and Brent is telling the truth. Then his nose grew. He told some stories about Brent and his nose would grow each time he said something about the orgy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Shuli is so full of shit. He said he wants Brent's life so bad. Howard said that's what Brent says. Howard said that he's known Brent since when. Brent said like 2005. Howard said he thinks he believes this.
Howard said Ronnie's head must be spinning from this. He said he thinks he'd like to be at an orgy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks if Brent is at an orgy party full of 9s and 10s he has to be the ugliest guy there. Howard said he said he's a 7 so he might be if they were all 9s and 10s. Brent said they were above average to hot.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that there is no way this happened. She said she does not believe this and she's Team Shuli all the way. Brent asked how she knows. She said she just knows. Brent said his wife would never let him tell a story like this if it wasn't true. He said she would divorce him over that. The caller said there is no way this happened. Howard said he might not believe that he made a woman cum hard. The caller said the only true part is that they went to breakfast.
Howard took a call from Balls who asked Brent how many hours it took to rehearse this. Brent said this guy is so fat. He said he saw a picture of him and he's rotund. He said he hasn't seen his dick since he was 4. Howard asked Balls if he's a 2. Balls said at least he doesn't lie about this stuff. Brent said that he's fat as fuck.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't believe this story either. Another caller said she believes this story. She said that Shuli is trying to talk about something he knows nothing about. She said that she has been into swinging lately and this is stuff that only someone in the community would know. She said she hasn't been with more than one couple but she knows people who have. Howard asked if she's a 10. She said she thinks maybe an 8 or 9. Howard asked who she looks like. the caller said she doesn't even know. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's in her 40s. Howard asked what she weighs. She said she's 5'6'' and 138 pounds. Howard said that can't be an 8 or 9 at that weight. She said she has big boobs, hips and a thick butt. She said she has non fat legs. He said she had D-cups that are enhanced of course.
Shuli asked what she would rate Brent. The caller said she's not attracted to Brent that much. She said once you meet someone and talk to them everything changes. She said that she's married and they went into this with rules. She said they can't kiss anyone but they can do other things. She said she changed her rules after another woman did things with him that she wanted to see more of.
Howard said this is too much for him. He said Brent is up to some wild stuff on the weekend. Robin said he has a trip coming up. Brent said that's down in Tampa. Shuli asked if anyone is going down there to validate this. Brent said yes but it won't be Shuli. Howard said he thinks it would be great if he went. Brent said that Chris Wilding and Memet are going. Richard said Brent should bring him and jizz all over him to punish him or something.
Robin said they have been talking about this a long time so she's glad it's progressing. Robin said Ronnie said something out in the hall about the hot tub and how things are dripping out. Howard asked when Ronnie started worrying about that stuff. Brent said you go in there before sex so nothing is dripping out.
Howard said he wouldn't want anyone else fucking his wife. Robin said it sounds like bacteria city to her. Shuli asked if Brent is worried about catching something. Brent said not at all. He said you have to life your life.
Howard said Sal caught an ass infection in a hot tub. Howard asked what happened there. Sal got on JD's microphone and said he got prostatitis from a gym hot tub. He said the doctor said there's a lot of fecal matter in there. He said it shoots the fecal matter up your colon. Howard said Sal is so sexually repressed he has to be envious of this. Sal said it's amazing what Brent is doing. Shuli asked if he believes him this time. Sal said he believes him this time. He said it's amazing that he can remember the details.
Richard said Brent left out one detail about getting his asshole fingered. Brent said his wife did that while the other girl was blowing him. He said you should get your prostate massaged and you'll see how good it is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Brent looks like Uncle Fester from the Addams family. Brent said not anymore. Shuli said what do you mean not any more. Brent said he's lost weight. Shuli said there is an app that people can see him on. He said he's not in shape. Brent said he's 5'11'' and 190 pounds. Shuli told him to come in with that Avengers shirt he has. Brent said it's loose on him now.
Howard said he got a note about Ronnie that says he's being really lame. Gary said he's out there saying it's not his thing. Howard had him come in.
Ronnie came in there screaming. He said he was told not to come in. Ronnie said he believes him but it might be a little blown up. Brent said not at all. Ronnie said he isn't into this stuff but he's glad that Brent had a good time. He said he's not into other guys being in the room at the same time. Howard asked if it's gay to watch a guy fucking a woman. Ronnie said not at all. He said Stephanie is into girl on girl porn so that's what they watch.
Robin asked if Ronnie would do the thing they did in the Uber. Ronnie said Stephanie makes too much noise. He said he couldn't do that. He said he's heard about the Uber guys throwing people out of the car. Howard said Brent did this from 11 to 4 in the morning and then he got in the Uber and did more. He said he's never heard of someone so sexed up. Ronnie said it's probably from the medication and the drinks he had. Plus the weed. He said his dick was probably like a pole. He said he can probably go a long time. He said Brent was fucking with the girl and then he goes to another girl and he's eating her out. He said he's not getting anything out of it. Howard said this is why he loves Ronnie. Ronnie said he's not going to blow his load by eating a chick out. He said he's jumping back and forth. Howard said he's like a cockologist. Brent said Ronnie actually got that right. Howard said he lost track after the first sentence.
Howard asked what Ronnie was saying. Ronnie said that's why he last so long. Howard said he didn't ask about that. Ronnie said he did too. Shuli said that's not the question he asked. Ronnie told him to shut up.
Howard said he doesn't even take a break. He said he's even more sexed up than Ronnie is. Ronnie agreed. Fred was doing the Ronnie Puppet thing just saying ''yeah'' in a funny way that Ronnie says it.
Howard said Brent did finish with one woman. He said he was wondering how he lasted so long with that. Ronnie said that's what he just explained. He went over it again.
Brent said the women are in charge at these things. He said the guys just have to show up. Ronnie asked if anyone had toys. Brent said no one did. Ronnie said he was just asking. He said the only thing he doesn't get is the hot tub thing. He said there's always pre-cum. He said it's dripping into the tub. Brent said he was loving every second of it. Ronnie said he's saying there's no cum but there is.
Howard said there it is. He thanked the guys for their stories. He asked Brent if they review his performance on this website. Brent said possibly. He wasn't sure.
Gary asked if the numbers they were with were the same. Brent went over the women he was with and said Katelyn was with 2 guys and one woman. Howard asked if he kissed his wife after she blew all of these guys. Brent said sure he did. Shuli asked when they did shower. Brent said after breakfast. Shuli said they kept that stink on for a while. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he sat down with a team of people and asked them not to book him on a Tuesday or Wednesday. He said Thursday or Friday would be fine. He said somehow he's working on a Tuesday. He said he will be there and he may fall asleep on Stephen's couch. Robin said he should come out in his pajamas and blankie. Howard said he likes to eat at 4:30 but now he has to wait until 6:30 or later. He said he doesn't have the time. He said he's so into his routine. He said he has to go to bed at 8. He said this whole thing is going to fuck him up.
Howard said he has two more appearances and he's ending the book promotion. He said he's doing Anderson Cooper on Thursday but they're doing it in there.
Howard said he wants to do well for Colbert but he wishes he'd be more awake. He said people think it's fun being Howard Stern. He said it's not fun. He said he's not a fun guy. He said he's not even sure what fun is. Robin said he had fun at that party he went to. Howard asked what party. Robin said the Jerry Seinfeld party. Howard said that might be the closest he's come. He said it was enjoyable. He said he wasn't miserable until the waiter poured water all over his lap. He said his fun is avoiding fun. He said that's his kind of fun. He said he likes locking himself in a room and painting. He said going somewhere is not fun for him.
Howard said he has a list of things he's doing. He ran down the list of things he's done to promote the book. He said Rolling Stone should be out soon. He said he has the Conan O'Brien podcast out now. He said he's doing Colbert tonight and he's taping Anderson Cooper on Thursday and that will air on Friday night as a special. Howard said this has to be enough book promotion.
Howard said last night he read his own book. He said he loves it. He said he thinks the interviews were really good. He said he's like Steven Seagal who said he just read the best script. Someone asked him who wrote it and he said ''I did.'' He said he feels the same about his book.
Howard said this book is really a good summer read. Howard said some guy was reviewing the book and the guy was carrying on about it. He said his editor, Sean, sent it to him. He said it was from Tablet Magazine. Howard read some of the review and it was glowing. Howard said he told her this book is something. Robin said she has to go read this again.
Howard said it made him happy. He said now his work is done. He said once you get a review like that, it's done. Robin said when you can't understand the review then you know it's great.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he knows Brent is lying. Howard said Brent isn't lying. He said this is ridiculous. The caller asked if he saw the Christie Brinkley Instagram picture. Howard said he did. The caller said he wants to fuck a 65 year old and he wondered when she's going to stop being hot. Howard said she's working at it. He said she has good genetics. Robin said she worked out hard in her life and nothing like that happened to her. Howard said he used to run 6-8 miles a day and lift weights and the best shape he was ever in was when he took the ice bucket challenge. He said he looked pretty good but not like he was running and lifting weights.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he wants to say something about Brent but he also wants to talk about DJ Khaled. King said he thinks Brent isn't lying but he asked how he marries someone like that. He said it's crazy. He said he would never marry a woman like that who wants to fuck other guys. Howard said maybe she's more truthful than other women. He said maybe other women want to but they don't talk about it.
Howard said he doesn't want that but he thinks it's fine if it works for Brent. Howard let King go and went to break.
Howard said he's exhausted from that. He said he can't do Colbert. Fred said Linda Perry wrote this song. Howard said it's a beautiful rendition but he thinks he's a fan of Linda's.
Howard said Marie Osmond is replacing Sara Gilbert on The Talk. He said that doesn't do it for him. Fred said Linda Perry did a Dial-a-Date on the show. He said he was looking up some stuff in the computer and saw that.
Howard said he thought Sara Gilbert was an interesting person to look at. He said she might be an alien. He said he thinks High Register Sean told him that. Fred did his impression of Sean.
Howard asked what Marie Osmond is going to say. Robin said they'll find out. Howard said he's so neurotic about doing appearances on these shows. He said yesterday he exhausted everyone with his schedule for today. He said he has his shrink appointment and he doesn't want to cancel that. Robin said he should have said no to any Tuesday booking. Howard said he did and he doesn't have an explanation for this. He said he should have said he'd do it another time or another day. He said at the end of the day he has the shrink appointment and he gets exhausted from that. He said he has to get in the car at 4:15 and then get dressed. He said Toni has to do his hair but he's not sure if he'll do it at his apartment or at Colbert.
Howard said he said he can't figure it all out so Toni is just going to meet him there. Robin said she was watching something and they have a whole lighting set up that you can bring with you. Howard said he has that. He said the sun is his enemy. He said Beth asked what he's doing for dinner. He said Beth wanted to go out. He said he has to eat so he might have to do that. He said he wants the food on the table when he gets there. He said he's a tortured dude.
Robin said he has decided that this is the only way it can be. Howard said she's right. He said he gets crazy. Howard said he eats at 4:30 and now he has to wait until 6:30. Robin said this is a form of OCD. Howard said she's right and she could have been a shrink. Howard said he has to be on a schedule or he'll cry.
Howard said he doesn't know what to do. He said he wishes they could tape the show at 2 instead of 5:30. He said he has to have his monologue ready to go by then. He said they could tape it out of order. He said just do the interview and let him out of there. He said he has to sit there while they're doing the rest of the show.
Howard said he went to the doctor yesterday and he had to wait for an hour and a half. He said Ralph said he can't believe he had to wait. Howard said he doesn't have any super powers. He said the doctor was busy. He said he sat there and read his own book on his phone. He said he has a Kindle with about 20 books on it and he's reading his own. He said that's what he wants to read. He said he downloaded the ''I Don't give a fuck'' book and it has too much cursing in it. He said he went to read his own book and he likes it. Howard said the guy who does the interviews is really good.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to quit whining. He said he gets up at the crack of dawn every day. Howard said he does too. He told the guy to just listen and don't analyze the show. Howard said he's annoying the fuck out of him. He said tune into Human Newman instead. He said that guy never complains. Howard said maybe try Cousin Brucie. Howard said he's an acquired taste.
Howard said he tried to get the call letters of WINE. He said there's actually a real station with those call letters.
Howard said Gary's pitch flew high and hit the umpire who was about 10 feet from home plate. Howard said he had practiced for weeks with his son and coaches. He said he got a pitching coach and he still messed it up.
Howard said he told Gary on the air it was a bad idea. He played a clip from 10 years ago where he told Gary that he shouldn't do this and he was going to humiliate himself.
Howard said the pitch was so bad that the announcers thought it was a prank for the show. Howard played a clip of Ron Darling and Gary Cohen talking about the pitch. Howard said this was the actual pitch. They talked about how he threw it and hit the umpire. They thought he did it just for the Howard Stern Show. Howard said the pitch was aired live.
Howard said in the middle of the game Kevin Birkhart interviewed Gary and asked him what happened. Gary said he was hoping that wouldn't make it on the air. They showed it over again. The announcers said that Howard will be picking on Gary over this for the next 2 years.
Howard said Gary never thinks this is going to go on and on. He said Gary thought it would go away. He said Gary was a coach for his kid's baseball team. He said he had too much on the line there. He said Gary says he will neve throw out another first pitch. He said he really has nothing to lose now. Robin said Jimmy Kimmel put him to the test and screwed that up. Robin said he hit a woman in the head. Gary said that woman died too. He said it wasn't from the pitch but she did pass away.
Howard said even his father called him to talk about the bad pitch. Howard had another clip of Gary talking about what happened that day and how he fucked up the pitch. Howard mentioned that his father called him after that.
Howard said his father hates talking to him but he actually did call him after that. He said his dad was asking how he could be that bad. Howard said his father was never that perplexed over anything. He said he couldn't understand it. He said his father was shaking his head. He said his father gets upset about things but that pitch made him crazy. He said that was the only thing they ever bonded over.
Howard asked Gary how he feels about it now. Gary said he wishes it hadn't happened but it's over and it's kind of funny to hear Ron Darling commenting on it. Howard asked how he can coach a little league team after that. Gary said they were pretty nice about the whole thing.
Howard said after that pitch it was shown all over the news. Howard played a montage of sportscasters talking about the pitch.
Howard said it was like it was worse than Pearl Harbor. He said the only thing they didn't do was take Gary and stone him in the middle of the village. Howard said he warned Gary not to do it. He said it was the only way it was going to go.
Howard said they have a special up on the app today where Gary responded to his first pitch. He played a Baba Booey song parody.
Howard said he told Gary not to do it. He said he hates to be an ''I told you so'' guy but he has to be that guy.
Howard said he loves this stuff. He said they tried to get them on the show but they didn't seem that interested in doing it. He said he loves that they fuck with the city council meetings. Howard played another clip of the Party Brothers at a meeting where they were having a meeting about the Bird Scooter problem they had in West Hollywood. In that one the guys were asking that they not get rid of the scooters because that's all they've got. One of the guys said that it feels like it's mending the strips in his heart.
Howard said they did one in April where they went to a city council meeting and they pitched the idea of dedicating the water treatment center to Britney Spears.
Howard said that's great. He said those guys are geniuses. He said the council members have regular jobs and they have to sit through this. He said they just want to go home and eat dinner.
Howard had another clip of JT going up and singing a Britney Spears song to the council members. He got through the song and thanked the members of the council.
Howard said that guy wanted to kill those two. He said the mayor later said that they don't even have a water treatment center. He played the clip of him talking about that.
Howard said he likes those guys. He said he thinks they just want to put it out on the internet. He said they post them on YouTube or something. Howard asked how many views they get. Gary said they have a big following according to Steve Brandano. He said they may even have an offer to do a movie. Howard said it is very Sacha Baron Cohen-ish. Howard asked if they know how many views they get. Gary said no one seems to know. Howard said that's except for Steve who he can't seem to get in touch with. Gary said he doesn't think he has the exact number.
Howard said he has to talk about DJ Khaled. He said he thinks he could do what he does. Robin said he definitely could. Robins said she thought they were joking about him when they asked what exactly he does. Howard said he'll get to that after a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Robin said they did a little preview on The View where he said something before going out. Howard said they asked him to stand there and say something. He said he just told them not to tell him what it is and just put the camera on him. He said he's not sure what he even said. He said he felt like an idiot. Howard said you don't want to be that guy who says something stupid. He also doesn't want to say no. He said they had him stand in the light and then wave and say something like ''I'm coming up next'' or something. JD said he'll have it in like 2 seconds. Howard said he's not sure he wants to hear it. He said he never tells his guests what to do. He said he just has them on the air.
Howard said he was done on The View and they came up and asked him to do something for Whoopi. He said he didn't know what was going on. He said they asked him to just sit there and read something. He said he doesn't even know what he read. He said he asked them what it was he was doing. He asked what he was reading. Robin said he was reading what Whoopi does at the end of the show. Howard said he didn't know why he was doing it.
Robin said she's not sure why Whoopi was making him do it. Howard said he doesn't know either.
Howard had the clip of what he said before going out on The View. Howard said it wasn't the best thing he's ever said. He said he should have said something like ''Heil Hitler'' or something like that. He said that woman Sunny really would have freaked out. He said he can't wait for this promotion to be over. He said maybe he should have said ''Brent is lying.'' He said the camera guy was below him and he has a thing about that. He said the guy was shorter than him and they had him stand on a step. Howard said he knew he was going to look like a monster. He said he just went ''Whatever.'' He said he didn't want to be a dick but he knows he's going to look like shit. Robin said he looked fine.
Howard said he wanted to be one of those people who just does what he's told. He said he used to work with Howie Mandel on America's Got Talent and he would do really crazy stuff without questioning anything. He said Howie didn't care. He said he'd jump out of a cake for Mel B's birthday party.
Howard made up all kinds of nutty things that Howie would agree to do. He had people asking him to shove a microphone up his ass and saying something. He said he has a publicist with him and they distract that person while they ask you to do these other things. Robin said they have to tell them they can't approach him with stuff like that.
Howard said Terry Gross read a release to him and he had to say okay to it. He said he has a lawyer who looks at that shit and they know that. He said Terry read the whole release. He said that he told her he doesn't do that. He said he has a lawyer who looks that shit over. He said she got annoyed with him over that. He said he almost caved in. He said she said everyone does it. He said he doesn't. He said thank god his Lawyer, Richard, showed up. He said he got that all taken care of. He said they almost didn't do the interview.
Howard said they get a hold of you before these interviews. He said Terry Gross was very nice and it was a lovely interview. He said when he's in that state he'll agree to just about anything.
Howard wondered why Terry Gross has to take care of the release. He said he's so glad he doesn't have to do that to his guests. He said that's why he's glad he doesn't have to work at NPR. He said they'd have to get someone else to do that stuff for him. He said that's why he likes just sitting there talking to Robin. He said Robin sits there like a gentleman.
Howard said he had a lovely time with Terry. He said it was a good interview. He said it's a weird thing when he didn't know what to say. He said he just said ''I don't do that'' and he felt bad for her. He said he gets embarrassed by that. He said that's why someone else is supposed to handle the release.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she's going to have a party outside of Colbert. She said they'll be there from 2pm. Howard asked if she's going to be inside. Mariann said she'll be outside and she's fine with that. Howard hung up on her and said he's really not in the mood for this today. He said imagine what he's going to be like at 5:30 tonight. He said he'd dreading it. Robin said he's dreading it more now. Howard said he will be wearing sunglasses because his eyes will be at half mast. He said he tried to get this on a different day but this was the only one they had so he's not going to bust Stephen's balls. He said he's just going to do it.
Howard said he has to tell his mother what show he's doing like 50 times. He did an impression of his mother talking about the Colbert appearance. He had her telling him he's doing too much. He said his mother went to the doctor and got stuck in traffic. He said his dad had someone contact him to find out where she was. He said he had to tell that person she was in the car and she's fine. They had to relay that message to his dad.
Howard did his mother's voice talking about how she has a friend who asked her about the book her son wrote. He said the woman asked his mother if she could borrow her book. She told her she could but then she had second thoughts about it. Howard said he told her not to give that book to that person. He said that it's her book and she cherishes it.
Robin said she got Howard's book and she had to go home with it. She said she had to make a stop on the way. Robin said she had to do her one thing for the day. Robin said she had a quick errand to run. She said she left the book in the car and she didn't want to. She said she didn't want to take it in. Howard had his mother and dad talking to Robin about leaving her book in the car and making it sound horrible that she did such a thing.
Robin told more of her story and said she left it in the car and she knew people would see if it she carried it. Robin said she didn't want people asking to hold it and things like that. Robin said she told the guy driving the car not to touch that book. Howard still had his parents on the fake phone with Robin. He had his mother telling Ben the story about the book and he had a hard time hearing her. Ray said she's not even sure what Robin's reason was.
Robin said she wanted to be the first one to open it and examine it. She said she didn't want the driver to touch that book. Howard said there you go. Robin said how dare her friend be so obnoxious. Howard asked if she can buy one. Howard said his mom is so nice that she feels bad. Robin said she understands that but that was an inappropriate request. Howard said she had no problem telling him. He said she was yelling at him.
Robin said she was thinking the same thing about Game of Thrones. Howard said that was fine. Robin said it was ridiculous. She said no one was talking in the last couple of episodes because they don't know how to write anything. Robin said they were about to mount a war so she should have had something to say. Howard said just watch it and don't be so analytical.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought Adam was a great guest on the show yesterday. He said some of these liberal show hosts don't want to have on conservatives. Howard said they don't want that because they think they're making up facts. The caller said he's talking about in general about people like Bryan Cranston who don't want the conservatives to have a voice. Howard said start your own show. He asked who cares. Howard said there are two sides in this country and they seem to hate each other.
Howard said he got some email about Adam Carolla. He read through some of that mail. He had a lot of positive feedback about the interview. Howard had some negative feedback too and one person asked that he never be allowed on the show again. Howard said he has to disagree with that.
Howard said a lot of celebrities are posting photos with his book. He had a list of names and Paul Sheer was one of them. Robin asked who that is. Howard asked Gary to explain who he is. Howard said he knew that but Robin needed to know.
Howard read some email about his appearance on The View. He had a bunch of positive feedback about that appearance. He read about Alec Baldwin posting a picture of himself holding his book. Gary said he saw one of Jerry Seinfeld holding a cat and the book.
Howard read more email about his appearance on The View and said one fan complimented Robin about getting worked up over the ladies critiques of him. Howard said Robin has been acknowledged.
Howard said one thing he did was get the word out about his book on The View. He had an email from someone who saw him on The View and they went right out and bought the book. Howard said another person said after they saw him on The View she bought two books. She got one for herself and one for her son.
Howard said he was asked what ethnicity this Sunny from The View is. Robin said she thinks she's Dominican. Howard said she's half black and half Latina. Howard said he didn't know what she was.
Howard read some email about the caller they had call in about him not going on conservative shows. Howard said people also loved Alex Jones commenting on fake Alex Jones.
Howard said he became aware of him during the Grammy Awards a few years ago. Howard played a clip of him yelling during a Rihanna performance.
Robin said Howard could do more of what this guy does. She said he didn't do anything on Saturday Night Live other than yell his name out and introduce the artists who were performing.
Howard said DJ Khaled produced a track for J-Lo and they performed it in 2018 at the Billboard awards. Howard said he doesn't shut up during the whole performance. He played the clip from that show. Howard said he kept going even after the song.
Howard said he could do that. Fred played some shitty music and Howard yelled out a little bit. Howard played some of DJ Khaled's song ''For Free.'' Robin wondered why all of these artists work for him. Howard said he wouldn't want a producer yelling over his work. He said imagine if the Beatles were produced like this. He played a bit the guys created with DJ Khaled yelling over a Beatles song.
Howard said this is like if he had Gary clearing his throat over the whole show. Howard took a call from Apples who said he loved Alex Jones video segment with Kimmel there. Howard said you have to get the app to see that stuff. He said it's a lot of fun.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he is looking forward to him on Colbert. He said he's missing his college commencement thing to go see him. Howard said he didn't hear a word he just said. He asked where he's graduating from. The guy said it so fast that Howard had to ask him to slow down. the guy said he's graduating from Suny Farmingdale. He said he's going to see Howard instead. Howard said that's probably better. Howard said he went to his college commencement but he didn't want to go. He said he went for his parents. He said he didn't go to high school graduation. He said he hated that high school and they hated him. Howard let the caller go. Robin said he never did slow down talking. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he might just release some old songs and talk over them. Robin asked what he'd call himself. Howard said DJ Big Nose. Howard said he liked when Fred threw in Gary clearing his throat over that. Fred did more of that.
Howard said the two guys in the studio are both charity donation guys. He joked that they're dying and that's why they're in there. Howard said Madison Square Garden of Dreams Foundation auctioned off this thing. He said he did this so he could keep getting Knicks tickets. He said he loves going to those games. Robin asked if he knows what's going on in the playoffs. Howard said of course he does.
Howard asked the guys some questions and found out one was from Raleigh, North Carolina and the other was from Princeton, New Jersey. Howard said he dated a girl from Princeton. He said she's the one who told him she found a guy with a really big cock. He said he thought he was satisfying her.
Howard said this is Mike and Brendan. They own mobile home parks. Howard jokingly said he does too. He doesn't bring it up on the air. Howard asked how they got into that. The guys said they own the parks and they rent out the spots to people. Howard said that's the business to be in. Howard said they must have tons of free time. They said they do for the most part. Howard said how fucking awesome is that.
Howard said they have it made with that job. He said he and Robin are assholes. He said they should be doing this. The guys said they're doing pretty well. Howard said they must be. He said he and Robin wouldn't give a fuck about those people out there. He said they must have a staff to handle that stuff.
Howard said it had to be risky getting started. The guys said it was but once it was set up it was good. Howard said maybe they should do that. Robin asked what kind of rent they make a year. The guys said the cash flow is too good. Howard said no wonder they're smiling. He said they've figured it out. He asked how old they are. One was 54 and one was 43.
Howard asked what kind of people live there. They said that they make between $8 and $14 an hour. He said the houses can cost like $180,000. He said they're pretty nice. Howard asked if you can unhook the house and move it. They said it's actually like people who go north during the summer from Florida. Howard said he'd play pranks on those people and just drive their house away.
Howard said everyone has a deal going. He asked if they're married. One was and one wasn't. Howard talked to him about his wife for a short time. He found out she's a hot accountant. The other guy said he's divorced twice. He spent some time talking to him about that.
Howard said he envies these two. He said they're just hanging out collecting rent. Robin asked the one guy what his move was when he wanted to impress a woman. Howard said you just say you have tons of money and he doesn't have to work. Robin said you have to show it.
Howard said they must be millionaires. They said they are. Howard asked if they only have one trailer park. They said they have 30 plus in 8 different states. Howard said they're just quietly doing it. They said they fly below the radar.
Robin asked how they hooked up. Mike said they had a mutual friend. He said Brendan runs a hedge fund and he dos well with that. Brendan said it's about $100 million. He said it's small and just for friends and family.
Robin started her news with a story about CBD oil being effective at treating heroin addiction. Robin said they say that researchers found that the CBD oil reduced drug cravings and anxiety. Robin said they say it doesn't get you high. Howard said Gar was taking it for his knee pain. Gary said he's tried a bunch of them. He said he got 10 different creams. He said everyone in the world is in the CBD business now.
Robin read a story about fast food places that are getting into plant based products. Howard said he's excited about that. Robin said she was with someone over the weekend who says the stocks for these companies are going up. Howard said he's off of meat and he gets mooshu chicken that's not real chicken. He said he makes beef tacos that aren't real beef. He said it tastes like meat. He said they have sausages that taste just like real sausage. He said it's amazing how good these things taste now. Robin said she wants to do a taste test. Howard said they had pancakes and sausage and it was great. He said it was fake sausage and it doesn't have that nasty aftertaste. He said Robin would love it. Robin said she has tried that burger and she was not impressed. Howard said he doesn't like veggie burgers. Robin said this was the miracle burger.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his George Takei impression and asking Mike and Brendan about their trailer parks. He asked if they have beautiful cocks too. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked if Howard thinks kids playing video games all day are wasting their time. Howard said of course they are. He said it's fucking bullshit. Robin said a doctor says that any time you play something parts of the brain are stimulated and the neurons will grow. Howard said play piano. He said he took lessons and his teacher killed himself. Robin read some details of this study. Howard asked Fred if his daughter plays any of those games. Fred said not as far as he knows. He said she's not into them. Fred played a bunch of clips of Memet talking about playing Red Dead Redemption.
Robin read a story about a class of middle school students who served semen and urine filled crepes to their teachers. Howard said imagine that. He said that's not funny, it's a crime. He said that's horrible. Robin said the teachers were judges in a cooking contest. Howard said those kids are going to amount to nothing. Robin said you have to wonder what's motivating them. Howard said those parents must realize they're failures when that happens. He said teachers should make a lot more when they have to deal with kids like that.
Robin read a story about how Aretha Franklin had many wills. She said they found hand written wills in different places and some were under the cushions on the couch. Howard said you have to go to a lawyer and spell it all out. Robin said the latest was dated March 2014.
Howard said he's sure some of the guys there don't have a will. He said he bets Sal doesn't. Sal said he does not have a will. Howard said he has to get one. Sal said he has nothing to will. He said he will eventually do that. He said he'll be 50 in a few months. Howard said he's being selfish. Sal said he just hasn't gotten around to it. Howard asked if Richard has one. Richard said he has life insurance. Howard said he has a baby but not a will. Howard asked if they have a 401K. Richard said they do. He said he helped Sal set one up. Sal said he has an IRA and a 401K. Howard said he bets Ronnie doesn't have a will.
Ronnie came in and Howard asked if he has a will. Ronnie said he doesn't have a will. Howard asked what he's doing. Ronnie asked if he's dying. Howard said he will die. Ronnie said he'll take care of it one of these days.
Gary asked Ronnie what would happen to Stephanie if he died today. Howard said it's going to be a fucking mess. He said he's not going to live forever. Ronnie said he knows that. He said he has it worked out. He said don't worry about it. Robin said they think they can tell their kids what to do and they don't work it out. Howard asked who is going to inherit his shitty animal hospital. Gary said it took a year to bury Casey Kasem. Howard said Ronnie is on the back 9 now. He said he's in the 8th inning. He said he has to get on that today. Ronnie said he knows. He said he has it worked out. Howard said he has nothing worked out. Howard asked how he has it worked out. Ronnie said he just does. He said this stuff is in their name already. Howard asked if it's been doled out already. Ronnie said it has. He said he has it worked out. Howard said get on it and work it out. Ronnie said Howard loves to bust his balls. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked what it means when someone rewrites their will so many times. Howard said they change their mind about who gets what. He said that you could live like Ronnie. Robin said he has to get that taken care of. Fred worked the Ronnie puppet talking about who gets his NASCAR tire. He said Stephanie gets his skull shirts. He said JD gets his glass shit sink. Howard said that's nice. Robin said JD doesn't have a will either and he just got married. Howard said he should have a will too. Howard asked Ronnie Puppet
Robin read a story about the ratings for Game of Thrones. Robins said it was 19.3 million people. Robin said they had an average of 17 million so that was a nice bump for the final episode. Howard said he thought it would be more. He said Beth never watched the series and she fell asleep during the final episode. He said she was asleep before Peter Dinklage was done walking around. Robin said they say the series has brought in over a billion dollars. Robin said people are wondering what people were making on the show. Howard said he's curious. Robin said they had salary equity because the 5 leading characters got the same. Robin said they got $1.2 million per episode for the final season. Howard said they say the Khaleesi is worth $13 million. Robin said that's why they were so happy to be on that show. Robin said it set them up financially for the future.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said Ronnie is nuts for not having a will. He said he was part of a will and it took over 2 years to settle and it was uncontested. Howard said they're all going to be fighting. Howard asked Ralph if he has a will. Ralph said he does. He said he doesn't want his shit floating around somewhere. He said he left it all to Howard. Robin said she wants to see him wading through that inheritance. Ralph said he'll be rich.
Robin read a story about the Alabama abortion law that is upsetting a lot of people. Robin said protests are mounting and there will be challenges to the law. Robin said first people were focusing on the senate from Alabama. Robin said they were all white men. Robin said they say that women are in collusion with the men. Robin said the governor is a woman and the woman who proposed it was a woman.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who claims he has a will. Erik said his stuff is going to his sister's kids. He said he has his Blue Bloods money and his Cameo money. Robin asked if he saves his money. Erik said he does but he doesn't want to say how much. He said he's giving his computers, guitar and Playstation to his sister's kids. He said he went to a lawyer and had it notarized. Robin said there's a new debate about Erik and if he's really slow. Howard said he knows he's slow. Fred said he's an imbecile. He said he tested 86 on an IQ test. Howard said he really is slow. Robin said someone called up last week talking about he scams he pulled and they're rather sophisticated for an imbecile. Howard said he thinks he's an imbecile. He said that's not a negative thing. Robin said she thinks Erik is a scam artist and he's smarter than they think he is. She said that he knows what he's doing when he runs these scams.
Gary said they have a coffee machine in their office and Erik ordered one and he got one delivered to his office under HP Enterprises and just never paid for it. Erik said that was a really long time ago. Howard said he thinks Erik is like a canary that got smart. He said he's the smartest canary. Robin said people of his intelligence aren't pulling scams on people. Howard said he thinks he's a big dummy and that's a compliment.
Erik said he wants an apology from Ralph for treating him with disrespect last week. Howard said he has to go because he has a long day ahead of him today. Gary said Erik has to stop threatening them to not do this bit they have in a month. He said he's upset about Ralph and he's using that to threaten them. Erik said he's not going to come in unless he gets that apology. Howard said take that up with Ralph. He said if he cuts him off he won't be making Cameo money. Erik said he disrespected him on the show and he wants the apology on the show. Howard said that's not their problem. Robin said here he is trying to twist their arm over nothing. Robin said stop doing it and they'll stop talking to him. She said see how long he has a Cameo account after that. Erik said he'll do it if Ralph apologizes. Howard said he can't control what Ralph says. He said Erik is using dummy logic.
Robin asked Erik what Ralph said to him that upset him so much. Erik kept saying he disrespected him and talked down to him. He wasn't giving specific comments. Erik said that he was talking about things he did in the past about the caterers. He said that was the past and this is the present. Gary said he's mad because Ralph gave him a hard time for threatening to abut someone's kid from school. Erik said that's different. He said Ralph didn't bring that up.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he's sorry he's a complete loser, shithead, douche bag. He said he's a blight and he scams people and he's a horrible human being. Erik said Ralph is a dick. Howard said he can't force Ralph to apologize to him. Ralph asked why he deserves an apology. Erik said he's always been nice to Ralph. Ralph said he thinks Erik is a horrible human being. Howard had Ralph apologize for that apology. Ralph did that. Erik said he'll be in next month. Howard said he told you he could solve it. Robin laughed and said Ralph capitulated. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard talked to Mike and Brendan a little bit more about finding people to work for them after doing a Zip Recruiter commercial.
Robin read a story about the basketball playoffs and how the Golden State Warriors are going into the finals. Robin had some other details about who is playing.
Robin read a story about a cafeteria worker who was allegedly fired for handing out a free lunch for a kid who didn't have enough money on their account to pay that day. Robin said the woman has been getting letters of support from all over the world since she was fired last March. Robin said she was offered her job back but she's not going to take it. Robin said a celebrity chef offered her a job as well.
Robin read a story about a princess named Martha Louise from Norway. Robin said she has a new American boyfriend and it's making the news because he's black. Howard gave that an ''Oh my!'' Robin said she thinks the only reason it's in the news is because he's black. Howard asked when they're going to live in a world when that's not big news. Robin said it won't be in her lifetime.
Robin read a story about a Calvin Klein fashion ad where they have a model, Bella Hadid, kissing a female robot. Robin said the LGBTQ community is upset about that and they say she should have been kissing a real woman.
Robin asked what state is the best to live in. Howard said Florida. Robin said he's wrong. Howard said he loves it. Robin said USA Today does this survey every year and it changes every year. Robin said number 5 this year is Vermont. Howard said that is beautiful. Robin said Utah is number 4. Number 3 is Minnesota and number 2 is New Hampshire. Robin said number 1 is Washington state. Howard said he hasn't been to most of those places. He said it is nice in New Hampshire. Robin said Mississippi and Alabama are down at the bottom of the list. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how it's going to be a shitty show today. He said he's not up. He said it was such a long day yesterday. He said he's wiped out. He said he was up at 1 or 2 in the morning and he went to see what he did on Colbert. He said they taped for a really long time. Robin asked if it was longer than it was supposed to be. Howard said they edited it down. He said he's never done that before.
Howard said he got there about an hour and a half early. He said he didn't know the exact time of taping. He said Ronnie told him to get there because it was going to take a long time to get there if there was traffic. He said he got there in 5 minutes. He said he ran down so Toni could do his hair. He said she fixes it up to make it look nice.
Howard said they don't have an underground entrance to the theater. He said they asked if he was going to sign stuff outside the theater. He said he was already in a grumpy mood. He said now it's like 4:30 in the afternoon. He said he wasn't going to sign anything but then he saw Mariann there screaming her brains out. He said there were professional autograph seekers there. He said they have you sign guitar plates. He asked if Robin knows what that is. Robin said no. Howard said it's the plate on a guitar that keeps the pick from ruining the guitar. He said they have you sign those and it's always the same people who are doing it. He said he doesn't want to be a dick so he signed some stuff. He said Mariann is screaming. He said the professional autograph seekers push against the barricade. He said that he had to ask people to take it easy because they were crushing this woman. He said she was getting smashed in the face for his stupid autograph. He said Mariann just stands there screaming.
Howard said he stopped to pose for pictures for the Papparazi. He said he had to take a bunch of crappy pictures because he didn't have his hair done up. He said he didn't want to be a fuckface. Robin said they make sure no one is bothered up there. Howard said once you're in the theater you're fine. He said they built a room in there and you're right in the dressing room. He said they're really nice dressing rooms too. He said Dave had it set up differently. He said he was right in his dressing room and he was good to go. He said it takes Toni 10 minutes to fix his hair. He said she ''floofs'' it up. He said the makeup woman came and did his makeup. He told her to cake it on. He said all of these guys in late night cake it on. He said then they just put powder on him. He said they really did cake it on. He said it took a long time to get it off.
Howard said a lot of people come back and visit. He said he was conflicted about what to do when he went out there. He said he over thinks these things. He said Colbert came back too. He said he visited quickly. He asked him not to talk to him then. He said he saw what a dick he was and left him alone. He said he was complaining already. He said he asked him to start now at 5 instead of 5:30. He said he was falling asleep.
Howard said Gary was going to come but he was fried by 2. He said some of them are up at 4 in the morning. He said Gary was too tired to go. Robin asked if he didn't get in his usual nap. Howard said there's no time during the show to nap. He said they keep an eye on him.
Howard said he went on and turned on the charm. Robin said he looked wide awake to her. Howard said he had to pump himself up. He said it was just a couple of minutes. Then he was out there for 40 minutes. Robin said she didn't know he was going to be the whole show. Howard said he knew it. He said they blew off everyone to have him on. He said he likes Colbert. He said he was good. He said he asked about the book. He said he may not be selling the book very well. He said he's still trying to convince people who don't like him to buy the book. He said the book isn't about him, it's about the interviews. He said it's invigorating and a learning experience. He said it inspires you. He said the people are such good story tellers. He said if he could just get on and say that it would be good. He said they have to ask him questions though.
Robin said Colbert was more interested in talking to Howard. Howard said he didn't want to be a dick. He said he just wants to talk about the book and say it's not about him. He said it's about the guests. He said he has assembled the best guests in the book and they're intimate conversations.
Howard said he was reading about how the Whitney Houston estate has approved a Whitney hologram to go out on tour. He said he was thinking how good it would be if a hologram of him could do this promotion. Robin asked what he and Beth were talking about. Howard said they asked if they could have a bumper of them just sitting to see that he's the next guest. Howard said you want to help the guy out so he said sure. He said he's sitting there and Beth is there with him. He said he told her what they were going to do. He said he asked what he should do. He said he had her sit here and talk to him. He said as soon as they came in he was just talking nonsense to her. He said he was just making noise. He said she was laughing. He said you basically see him back there. He said at least he's talking to his wife. He said you see there is a woman who is interested in him.
Robin said he looked like he was in a conversation. Howard said if he was saying anything it was about how he had to get the fuck out of there. He said Stephen is very nice. He said he had a good time with him. He said that they took a swag bag from there and that was nice.
Howard said they had a lot of good food in there too. He said they had vegetables and dip. He said they had a pepper filled with dip. He said he was hungry so he was busy with that. He said he was eating the vegetables. He said he felt grit in his teeth so he asked for a toothpick. He said someone interpreted that as toothpaste and they brought that to him instead of a toothpick. He said Beth told him to use the toothbrush to get the grit out of his teeth. He said he was throwing things around because he's a big baby. He said he was all delightful out there with Stephen. He said he was miserable back stage. He said Beth told him to try the brush so he did. He said it didn't work. He said he didn't want something in there showing on TV. He said Toni went on a search for the toothpick. He said she was out on the mission to find them. He said now he's got a straw he's shoving in there. He said then Toni found the toothpicks that have a brush on it and floss on the other end. He said he cleared all of that out. He said he told Beth they were good toothpicks. He said he was going to take them all. He said then Toni was yelling that he can't take them all. He said he had to give the bag back. He said it was a whole thing with the toothpick.
Howard said this is how people get the impression that you're a diva. Robin said it sounds like he is a diva. Howard said he didn't want to worry about having carrots in his teeth. He said they're waiting for an opening to make fun of you.
Howard said he's done with this promotion after he tapes Anderson Cooper tomorrow. He said just buy the fucking book or don't. Robin said Stephen seemed kind of uptight about him talking about his section of the book. Howard said Stephen told him he wanted to have a conversation with him like he did on this show. Robin said she felt he was a little uncomfortable with what they talked about on his show. Howard said they could have edited that out. Robin said maybe they thought it was worthwhile. Robin said she felt he was a little tense.
Howard said doing those shows is uncomfortable for him. He said he never feels like he's in the moment. He said he mentioned Trump and they were booing him. He said he wasn't sure if they were booing him or Trump. He said he figured they were high. He said he was trying to tell a story. He said he hates a live audience. He said he likes being there with Robin instead. He said Fred keeps quiet and he loves him. He said he hasn't heard from him since 1987.
Howard took a call from the guy at Colbert who tried to find the toothpicks. He was just yelling and screaming. Howard said he's giving him a headache.
Howard said they were waiting to do the show for a long time. He said he had Richard from his agent's office. He said he had the publicity firm there. He said they waited outside. He had some people from the radio show and his wife there. He said this is the only one Beth came to. He said they had dinner plans after. He said they got to the restaurant and told the waitress he had to order right away. He said he wasn't there until 7. Robin said he left Colbert when? Howard said they didn't leave until 6:30 or so. He said they held him there the whole show.
Howard said he hangs in there until they tell their tragic bachelor story. He said they all do it. He said once they tell that story they get thrown out. Howard did his impression of what that sounds like on the show. He said they're horrible stories and maybe it's not the right place to do it.
Howard played some audio of this woman talking about her life on The Bachelor. She was talking about how her foster family abused her and how she only has one arm. She said she's very open to talking about her arm. The Bachelor said he's comfortable talking about it too. Howard said he didn't propose to her. Howard said he knew he was going to bail on her. Robin said they're talking about the most shallow men on earth being on that show.
Howard said he should go on that show just to tell his life story. He made up a conversation about how his mother smoked with her vagina and he was born okay but his uncle ate his arm off. He made up all kinds of wild stories about being there at 9/11 and being at Sandy Hook when that went down.
Howard played more audio of one of the women talking about how she went to a party and ended up getting sexually assaulted with no memory of it. Howard said that's a heavy story to be putting out there on a first date. Howard made up his own awful story about being rescued by rats in a basement and how he turned into a cannibal. Howard said he wishes the girls would hold off on that stuff for a while. He said they do this on the first date.
Howard said there was one woman who was a widow and she told her story. He played the audio of her talking about meeting this guy Ricky and he was a race car driver. She said in 2004 there was a race and she didn't go. She said that morning they got a phone call and she found out that the plane had crashed and all 10 people didn't make it. She said she didn't want to live without him. She found out she was pregnant days later.
Howard said this is unbelievable. He made up more wild stories that they could tell on the show. Howard said the guys do it too. He played a clip of a guy talking about how his brother hung himself from a tree because he was made fun of for being fat. Howard said this is his intro. He said maybe don't lead with that story. He made up some wild stories about his life and asked how he can get her heart. Howard played some audio of the guy talking to the Bachelorette about his life and saying he'd like to get to know her better.
Howard said these people must get scared off by these stories. He said they tell them to open up to them and then they leave them.
Howard said he was up at 2 in the morning watching Colbert and then The Bachelorette. He said he's not thrilled with this year's Bachelorette. He said if you're part of Bachelor Nation you don't bail on the show. Robin said she never said she was part of that. She said she may hang in there with this but she has bailed before. Howard said just go with it. He said she is Bachelor Nation. Howard said she reminds him of Eric the Actor. Fred did his Eric impression and talked about how he wasn't in the Wack Pack. Howard insisted he was.
Mariann said that every interview shows a side of him that she loves to read about. Howard thanked her for that. Mariann started going on and on about the book and how he's reaching a broader audience. They played Mariann off.
Howard said he got to sing with the band yesterday. He said he was waiting back stage and he was shivering back there. He said it's so cold there. He said that's one thing they didn't change over there. Robin said it seems to be a thing with that studio. Howard said there was a theory that Letterman started where they think they stay awake if the studio is cold. Howard said his nips were poking through his sports jacket.
Howard said the band played a song and he was dancing around back stage. He said he was moving his body to this music. He said everyone was moving. He said he figured he'd go out and start a conga line. He said he thought it would be a great entrance. Howard said he starts walking out and Stephen introduces him. He said they broke into ''Radio'' song that wasn't something he could dance to. He said just play that song they were just playing. He said those guys are talented. He said now he's locked into doing a dance. He said he said fuck that dance. He said he went over to do a song with them. He said he's not sure if Stephen wanted that. He said fuck it and went over and sang a song with the guys. He said that Stephen looked at him like he didn't want that so he stopped.
Howard played some of the audio of him singing with the band. He said they just made up a song and he made up the lyrics. Howard was singing about the book and who he interviews in the book. He sang the name of the book Howard Stern Comes Again.
Howard said those guys knew the song before he even did. He said it's unbelievable that they can just give him a song and he can jam with them. He said he was going to do a whole set. He said he was going to do acoustic.
Howard said he was having fun but then it looked like Stephen wanted to interview him. He said that song is number 9 billion on the Billboard chart.
Howard said that Dana Carvey will be on the show today. They had some clips of Beetlejuice trying to say his name. He wasn't quite getting it. It was like ''David Carby.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to congratulate him on the new book. He said he's been following the book tour and he has to plea with him. He said he gets the sense that this is his swan song. Howard said it is. The caller said if he can continue please do it. Howard said he's afraid it might be time. He said hang in there and see how he's doing in 2 years. The caller said he's only gotten better. He said he thinks it will keep getting better. Howard said they only have a year and a half left on this contract. Fred played some music and Howard started singing about how it might be over soon. He said soon it might be time for him to retire. He was singing all of this to the tune of ''My Way.''
Howard went on with the song for a few minutes. He was singing about the great times they've had together and Fred played some drops of High Pitch Erik and other things from the show. Howard sang that every good thing must come to an end.
Howard sang to the caller that it's time to say goodbye. He said he's gotten older and he'll miss you but they did it ''our way.''
Robin said that was amazing. Howard said he thinks he just retired. He said tell Dana Carvey to go home. Robin asked if he recorded that. Howard said no. He asked if it's time to go home yet. Robin said he hasn't even taken his first break. Howard said he really should. He said he may sing that if he does retire one day. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he has a big announcement to make. He said this is for SiriusXM. He said this is fantastic. He said Lady Gaga will perform a concert to celebrate SiriusXM and Pandora coming together. Howard said they're going to have it at The Apollo. He said this is a small venue and it's for subscribers and Pandora listeners. Fred played some Lady Gaga music.
Howard said this is on a Monday night so they may not be able to go. Howard said it's impossible to get a hold of her because she's on fire. Howard said they're going to give away tickets and air the concert live on Howard 101. He said they're going to have a contest to get tickets.
Howard said they're on fucking fire. He said she's doing a residency in Las Vegas so they had to work something out with that. He said it's a big deal that the combination of SiriusXM and Pandora has over 100 million listeners. He said he's proud that he's been there for this history. Robin said they were in on it on the ground floor. Howard said he knows the terrestrial radio company wasn't happy but he had to get over there.
Howard said Hits 1 is the biggest top 40 station in the world now. He said between this and Pandora they have ridiculous amounts of listeners. He said the whole world is benefiting from this.
Howard said Fred is going nuts playing the Lady Gaga songs. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Lady Baba impression. He was doing his Gary impression to the tune of Lady Gaga songs.
Howard said they had Lady Gaga in studio singing and it was really good. He said this is as close as you can come to seeing that. Howard said he may sing Shallow with her over there. He said it's either him of Jim Meyer. He said maybe Jim and Scott Greenstein will sing it with her.
Howard said this is big news out of this company. He said they say that other artists are just coming to them without a record company. He said they had this guy Lewis Capaldi did that and he has a hit song now.
Howard said he saw Cousin Brucie out there in the hall and told him about this announcement. He said Brucie said he's going to wear a meat dress to the concert.
Fred was still playing songs so Howard had to ask him to stop because he's getting caught up in it.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said it's funny that they opened the Apollo and they got rid of all of them n-words up there. He said they didn't do anything with that theater for years. He said they used to go there and they had comedy night and then they let it go to hell. He said when now they have white people and Asians up there so they have things going on up there. Robin said King is an asshole. Howard thanked him for calling in. He said maybe he'll take that thank you back.
Howard said there are still people of color up there. Robin said it's become very mixed up there in Harlem. Robin said a lot of people aren't happy about gentrification. She said prices are going up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said King is so stupid. He said him and his Moen faucets. He said he wanted to thank him for recommending that Sammy Hagar and The Circle. He said he loves it. He said he's listened to it a bunch of times. He said everything they do is great. He said Jason Bonham is great. He said it was great when they were on the show.
Howard said they're not an advertiser but they were great on the show. He said he checked out their live album and it was really good.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he can redo his retirement song because his radio updated the channels when he turned his radio on. Howard asked what's up with that. He said sometimes that happens to him too. Robin said it happens with all electronic devices. Howard said he's not sure what that is. He said he'll talk to the tech department.
Howard said he has an alarm and he's up on time. He said he leaves his alarm on until he's sitting up. Howard said he doesn't know what Benjy is up to. He said he should be there early. He said he knows he loves to eat and he's going to set up that food while the show is on.
Gary said he asked Benjy if he had anything to say. He said he took a long breath and said no. Howard said now he doesn't want to talk. Gary said that Brent said that on no radio show can you show up late like this. Howard said there's no room for error in getting there. He said he gets in there 45 minutes early and Robin is even earlier. He said Robin's commute is longer. Robin said it's only a half hour. Howard said she leaves herself time in case there's something going on. Robin she does.
Howard asked why he was late. Gary said he asked and Benjy took a big sigh. Howard said they have to find out. Robin said Benjy was talking about sleep with someone out there yesterday. She said that's what he's always talking about.
Howard said they're dying to fire him there. He said he can't be late. Howard said he keeps fighting with them there about firing him. He said that he doesn't want him fired but he showed up late again. Howard asked how late he was. Benjy said he was 2 minutes late.
Howard asked if he wants to be fired. Benjy said no. Howard said if it mattered to him then he wouldn't be late. Benjy said his sleep is fine lately. He said he gets paralyzed when he tries to leave sometimes. Howard said come on. He said he's the only one on his team there in terms of getting him fired. He said they really want to fire him. He said this might be his last show and he's being dead serious. He said he might be afraid to go out on his own and this might be his own undoing.
Howard said he thinks Benjy wants this and he doesn't even know it. He said if this job was gold he'd never be late. Benjy said this show is gold to him. He said he's been late to other things that are gold to him.
Howard asked what his most important possession is to him. Benjy said it's his dog. He said that's what paralyzes him. He said it's crazy but... Howard said this is why the company has to fire him. He said that excuse is convenient but it doesn't fly with the company. He said this is a company and they can't coddle him. He said he's not sure how he's going to talk his way out of this.
Howard asked if he was ever late to the Sharknado thing. Benjy said he's not sure. Howard said you know he wasn't. He said in his new job this will help you. He said he wanted to be in Sharknado he made sure he was there on time. He said that's it. He said think about it. He said he made sure to get to that set and not fuck it up. He said that's his point. Howard said he thinks he'll keep him there but he can't help him now. He said he threw him out of the studio and he thought that would help. He said that didn't work.
Howard said he let Benjy host the Wrap Up Show and he showed up on time for that. He said he's afraid they're going to have him pack up his stuff and leave. He said this might be the last of Benjy on the show. He said the powers that be have come to him and said he can't keep protecting him. Howard asked how long he's been there. Benjy said 21 years. He said in the last year there have been others who were later than he was. Howard said throw them under the bus then. Benjy said he won't do that.
Howard said he thought throwing him out of the studio would help. Benjy said he's sorry. He said that he didn't think it would be an issue. Howard said it's an issue for the people who run the company. He said goodbye Sirius and hello Cameo for Benjy. Benjy said they turned him down.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this is attention seeking behavior. She said it goes back to when Artie was still on the show. She said he's seeking attention and not caring about the team. Howard said they think that he's protecting him but he's no longer going to do that. He said if they want to fire him then they're going to fire him. The caller said that his start time should be when the creative team is starting their work. She said that anyone who cares about their job shows up on time or early. Howard asked if she's an H.R. person. She said she is not but she works in the legal arena and she knows what it's like out there. She said they can't keep giving a person like that a free pass.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's throwing his job away but he's voting to keep him. Howard said there's no debate anymore. He said he's afraid they're going to come in and fire him. The caller said they're not going to fire him. Howard said he thinks Benjy should have a chance to say goodbye.
The caller said that he will give him 50 bucks to say happy birthday to his son James. Benjy said he'll do it for free. Fred played the song ''This is the End'' and Howard said he has relinquished all control over this to the company. He said he might be gone. Howard let the song play. Benjy started singing along with it. Howard said Benjy thinks he's joking. He said he's not. Howard said he's not a fan of the Doors but this was a good song choice.
Howard took a call from a woman who said its about time they get rid of Benjy. She said the fans deserve better. She said he should be blowing Howard for 12 hours a day. Howard said he only works 12 hours a week. He said he's never going to find a job like that. The caller said the fans deserve better. Benjy asked if he can blow him now. Howard said he's not joking about this stuff. He said he's going to get fired.
Howard asked Benjy why he can't leave his apartment. Benjy said he gets scared and he sees a million things going on. He said he got up at 5:40 this morning. Howard asked why not get up at 5 and go through that paralysis at 5. Gary said that Benjy said in the office last week that he makes sure he gets there extra early so he can get on TV. Benjy said he was joking about that. Howard said he un-paralyzes himself over that. He said it's weird to him. He said people give him money to show up there and he's busy doing Peloton classes.
Robin said she wants to know what these things are that worry him. Benjy said it's something fucking up in his apartment. He said he unplugs everything. He said he's afraid the dog is going to chew on the cords or something. Howard said get up earlier and do it. Benjy said it's not what time you get up. He said it's as soon as you leave you see more things. Howard said just leave. Benjy said he's finally able to do that. Howard said what a weirdo.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Benjy is a fat fuck and he's got the easiest job in the world. He said they have a dog and they have someone take care of it. Howard said Benjy used to say it was the sleep. He said now it's the dog. He said now he found another excuse for being late. Benjy said he's always had trouble. Howard said Benjy wants to be fired and he can't just quit.
Howard said he is lying about him being full of rage and not moving on in life. He said he's jealous of his success and he thinks he should be successful himself. He said some people can control that and work with it but Benjy is full of rage. Benjy said he's not lying about it. Howard said he's not doing work to control his rage and jealousy and it's interfering with his work. He said he might lose his job over it and that's a shame. He said that they can't tolerate him being late all the time. The caller said he's being disrespectful. Howard said he is.
Benjy asked if he thinks he has a fuck up to get back at Howard. Howard said he wants to be the baby getting attention from daddy. Benjy said he doesn't understand psychology. Howard said this is real life. Benjy asked if there are things in his life he doesn't want to do but he does them to get back at people. Howard said yes. Benjy said he's not doing this intentionally. Howard said he is too. Benjy asked if he intentionally did things that he regrets. Howard said he does and that's called taking responsibility. Howard said now Benjy can do that podcast he's wanted to do all these years. He said welcome to podcasting.
Howard said thanks for doing the show for all these years. He said he's saying goodbye now. Howard let Benjy go.
The caller asked if Howard had something like that going on in his life wouldn't he do something about it. Howard said he had to work at a station all by himself back when he was starting out in Detroit. He said he showed up to work every single day no matter what the weather was. He said he'd drive that Valiant to work in the snow because he cared about his job.
Fred played a song parody about Benjy that Mariann sang. Howard said Benjy was pissed that he wasn't on the staff panel today for cleaning out the computer. Gary said he gave Will and ear full about that. Howard said he's incredibly entitled. Robin said it's interesting that he was late today.
Will came in and said that every time it's an argument with him about the panel. Howard said they were going to have the guys in to do the clearing the computer thing today. Will said that it's a reward to be on the air and Benjy said he doesn't understand why he's not in there. Will said the guy doesn't do anything around there. Will said Benjy is very funny but he's replaceable. Benjy came back in and asked what he said to him about the panel. He said what he said was that he's not protesting this one bit but he wondered if there was a better way to protest it. Benjy said he's taking his quote and making it an argument. He said that's not he way it went.
Benjy said what he said is that he has no protest about the panel. He asked if there's a better way to present it to be on. Howard said that's not his job. Benjy said in this case it was. Will said if you want to be rewarded then do more work around there. He said start writing more and producing more. Howard asked what time Will comes in to work. Will said he takes a 4:45 train into work. He said he's always in early. Howard said that's a work ethic. Robin said he has kids.
Gary said one of the other issues was the last time Benjy was on the panel he was unprepared. Will said how about preparing content for the show. Benjy said he does. He said he just sent him a note yesterday. He said he was asking about doing some newscasts or something about the book. He said he has to get permission so he keeps proposing to do that. Will said that's a good thought but it's all about Benjy. He said if he's in the spotlight he will do the work. He said if it's doing something outside the live show he won't do it. Benjy said he does that all the time. Howard said it doesn't matter if he's not going to show up to work on time.
Gary said the 6:10 meeting is the perfect thing for Benjy to be part of. He said that's where they get things on the show. Howard said he has given him a 12 hour work schedule. He said that's just for him. He said he makes those special accommodations for him and he still doesn't come in on time. Will said there are people who want to work there and Benjy is taking up a lot of that space. He said you'd think he'd appreciate that opportunity.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's never been late in 25 years of working. She said he's laying the ground for mental health issues for H.R.. She said that's why he's saying this. Howard said it went from sleep to dog issues. The caller said now they're going to have to accommodate him even more.
Will said that he doesn't want to fuck with a guy's livelihood but he has special rules there. Howard said he does. Benjy said he doesn't have special rules. Howard said he made him a 12 hour work week. Benjy asked about Robin. Howard said she works her ass off and is never late. Will said she did the show through cancer and she was never late. Howard said if that's what he's given Robin and Fred and Benjy then he's being special. He said Fred is writing bits all the time too. Will said Fred writes 12 bits a week. He said they never see that from Benjy. Fred said this is the closest thing to ''My dog ate my homework.'' He said it's not a good reason. Benjy said he knows it would be something else if it wasn't her.
Howard said High Register Sean has a theory about this. He took his call and Sean said he thinks that Benjy has contracted a parasite called a brain worm that affects you. He said it usually affects moose. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said there are other staffers who have pets and they don't have a problem leaving them alone. Howard asked how many guys have dogs. Will said lots of them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's being a dick. Howard asked how. The caller said Benjy has been there forever. Howard said he has because he's protected him. The caller asked why they don't suspend him. Howard said they've tried everything. He said it's enough already. Howard said he has put up with this forever. Benjy said he has been suspended before. The caller said he's a dick then.
Benjy said there are people who have been late more than him. Will said not to his knowledge. Robin asked if it's just one person. Benjy said he can think or one or two. Gary asked how he would know if he's not there. Howard asked how he would know. Benjy said he sees things. Howard asked why he doesn't see his alarm clock. He said he had a long night and he'd like to move on. He said he loves Benjy and this might be goodbye. Howard said he's the one guy who has his back there. Will said no one else does. He said Howard is the only one.
Benjy said he was at a Trader Joe's recently and this mom was taking care of her 7 year old and she was severely disabled. He said he knew that the kid... Howard cut him off asking what he's doing. Benjy was trying to say something. He said this kid is never going to be loved like the mother did. He said he thought about Howard being that way with him.
Jason came in and said he's so pissed about this. He said that Benjy is throwing that thing out there about other people being late. He said if you're in trouble he's trying to get other people fired. He said he should be focusing on his own thing. He said he's a piece of shit coworker for doing that to someone. Benjy said Jason is doing that to him now. Jason said he's trying to get the attention off of him and he doesn't have the balls to mention who those people are. Benjy said they know who they are. Howard said he's losing control.
Fred did his Benjy voice talking about being in a Costco and seeing an older gentleman bent over his carriage and he asked if he was going to take those plantains... Howard cut them all off and said he has to get to Dana Carvey so he has to take a break.
Howard came back and said he has Dana Carvey there. He said he loves when Dana comes in. He said he's a master impressionist. Dana said they're almost the same age. Howard said that's hard to believe. He asked if he has aches and pains. Dana said he could use a new hip. He said he needs that graft from a tall person. Howard said don't look at him. Dana said they say that's the easy one. He said he had open heart surgery and they asked if he wanted to see a video of it. He said no way. Howard asked how old he was when he had that. Dana said he was 42. Howard said that has to be hard to believe.
Dana said he had a blocked artery. He said he went into a Woody Allen impression when he heard that. He said they had a saw in the room when they were preparing him for that. Howard asked what the worst part of that was. Dana said that he was on a lot of morphine. He said the pain came when he ran out of that. He said he took a lot of Advil. Howard asked if he worries about having heart problems. Dana said his heart is perfect now. He said his resting rate is 39. He said no one could hike along with him because he can go. He said he tries to redline when he's up there. He said he gets up to 180 or 190. He said he's hiking really fast up a steep hill. He said when he comes down he feels normal. Howard said he's really committed.
Dana said no one has to have a heart attack. He said if people eat correctly then they won't. He said he had a 400 cholesterol level and now it's down to 100. Howard asked if he's on medication. Dana said he is. He said he's doing just fine. He said nothing is advancing. He said some people can't take the medication. He said he's on blood thinners and stuff so he bruises easily. He said that it takes like 5 minutes for a cut to coagulate.
Howard said that has to be tough. He said he thought he was goofing on him. He said he was on Colbert talking about the interview he did with him. He said he did impressions for his therapist and the therapist thought it was sad. He said that Dana talked about that with him.
Dana said he went into therapy about 3 years ago. He said he bought his nephew one and he wanted to buy one for himself but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He said he knew something was wrong.
Howard said he thinks of Dana as a great comedian. He said he has questions about his impressions but he ash to talk to him about therapy. Dana said he just started 3 years ago. Howard asked if his mom was a depressed woman. Dana said he thinks she was. He said she admitted later in life that he was her surrogate husband. Howard said he got that from his mother too. He said she was in severe depression and he had to keep her laughing. He said he did impressions of the neighborhood kids for her to make her laugh.
Howard said Dana's father didn't make a lot of money. Dana said his mother grew up wealthy and she got depressed. He said his mother's nickname for him was ''Precious'' and that didn't go over well with his dad. He said he talks to his siblings about it and his dad did have it in for him. Dana said his dad didn't like him. He said they were like oil and vinegar. Howard said his nickname was ''Money'' and why was that. Dana said that's because he was making money. He said his parents became a dog and pony show. He said his mother would say things about needing money and he'd give the money to his dad and he'd give it to her to make him look good.
Howard asked if he ever wanted to be in the room with his dad. Dana said if he was n the room with him he was doing whatever he could to get out of there. He said his dad would go into a rage and he'd say things to him in front of his friends that were embarrassing.
Howard said he'd tell his therapist about what his dad would say to him. He said the therapist would say that it was just sad. Howard said Dana is seeing Conan's therapist and he thinks that's a big no-no. He said he tried to win over his therapist to be his favorite patient. He said he walked into the office and said he has a great patient for him. He said he told him who he was and he wondered why he wanted to share him with that person. Howard said that was a huge thing to him. He said this was a man saying he was important enough to him that he couldn't bribe him. Dana said he had the same thins. He said he still says to the therapist that he can't break down. He said that he'd be in the car for 30 seconds and he'd break down. He said he'll do it there but not in front of her. He said you want to entertain and be popular with the therapist. Dana said that he never really let go
Dana said his father would wait for an opening to really hurt him. He said he'd get up early on a Saturday to reduce the tension in the house. Howard said it's amazing he was able to get on stage and perform. He said his father hated him and he didn't have that love. Dana said he has two sides. He said he's hyper driven and also emotionally wounded. He said he wanted to do better than his dad. He said he was 5'2'' tall in high school so he looked like a fetus with shoes.
Howard asked why he goes to a female therapist if he has dad issues. He said why not go to a man. Dana said it's hard to find a match. He said this woman is a little older than him. He said he and Conan both come from big families. He said Conan was a wonder kid and he's half shy. He said he thinks he had some shortcuts with this therapist.
Howard said Dana brought in Kevin Nealon with that therapist too. Dana said he went to some therapy with her too. Dana said that his stage fright was horrible for years. Howard said he seems so relaxed on Saturday Night Live. He said he'd go into one impression to another. Dana said he faked it. He said he could show him an early Church Chat and his hand was wet with sweat. He said he was trained to hide all of that. He said he was just acting confident.
Howard said he does impressions and comes up with material that's brilliant. He asked where that came from. Dana said he doesn't really know. He said he noticed that he could change his voice. He said he was like 9 and he heard a Beatles thing and he was able to talk with the accent. He said he went to his mom asking for pancakes in an English accent the next day. Howard said he was built for Saturday Night Live. He said that format was perfect for him. Dana said no one knew until he did it. He said he auditioned 3 times before he got it.
Dana said he bombed after following Kinison at the Comedy Store. He said it took 2 months of depression to get over. He said in 1986 Rosie O'Donnell was playing this small club and they came to see him there. He said that he was about to go on and Lorne Michaels walks in. He said then Cher and Brandon Tartikoff came in. He said he got the show but they never did get his name right.
Howard said Dana would do a routine for the staff of Saturday Night Live and he was playing Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas and they were fucking on the beach. Dana said he's not sure if they were on the beach. He said he met Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster on their last movie. He said he met them and they talked the way they did and it was just like they were in the movies. He said he got to know them for weeks working with them. He said he had this flight of fancy and the voices had stuck in his head. He said he did this bit where he had them having sex. Dana said he doesn't like crude stuff but he likes to dance around that stuff. He did the impression for Howard and did that and had them talking about how the guy wanted him inside him. He said that made his brain happy doing that rhythmic thing.
Howard asked if it's his dream to hear that music in his bit. Dana said yes. Howard asked if you have to hang around a guy for long to pick it up naturally. Dana said that's the easiest way to do it. He said it's 2019 now and he just has them wrestling. He said Bill Hader loves it so much he recorded it and sent it to him in email. Dana did the impression again of Kirk and Burt wrestling.
Howard said Lorne told Bill Hader that he heard him doing that one time and it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. Dana said that made him happy. He said they were in Aspen once and he did that bit. He said he did it on HBO and that was a different time.
Howard said he watched a bit that he did as the pepper mill guy and he's training Adam Sandler how to do the job. Dana said you need to be at home base to time the laughs. He said in bits like that they don't kill. He said what happened was that they were so into giving the pepper that it became sexual. He said he was behind Tim Meadows asking if he wanted pepper and the audience was going shit house. He said Chris Farley had one line of ''Why thank you Pepper Boy.'' He said on the air show Sandler is doing the little voice and Farley becomes gigantic and goes ''Why thank you Pepper Boy'' in that big voice. Howard said if Sandler had started laughing he could have ruined the bit. Dana said Sandler turned to him all purple and he turned to him and told him ''Don't break.'' He said he knew this was too good to break. He said it's like when he had Massive Head Wound Harry. He said they had this dog eating his head. He said the dog for the air show was going shit house pulling on the prosthesis. He said he was trying to hold it on at the temple. He said that was one of the hardest laughs he's ever been involved in.
Howard said he could have turned it into a different sketch if he had let the dog run off with the head. Dana said it became okay to break eventually. Howard said they didn't want to break and that was the rule. Dana said Lorne said it was like Carol Burnett when they did break. He said that one time Phil Hartman broke doing Frankenstein. He said it was great to see him break. He said Phil was amazing. He said he could do anything. Howard said there are guys who can do that and Dana is one of them.
Dana said he was doing this Johnny Carson thing with Phil and that became his favorite thing. He said he didn't care if the audience didn't laugh. Dana did his Johnny Carson impression and did his bit and said Phil would be brilliant as Ed. He said that Phil was just so great.
Howard said it was great when he was at the Academy Awards recently. Dana said he was there 27 years ago for Wayne's World. He said they were Wayne and Garth. He said Stallone was there and he was in ''Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.'' He said that wasn't doing very well. Howard said Dana and Mike went out and introduced Bohemian Rhapsody.
Howard asked if he and Mike Meyers are close. Dana said when they see each other they talk all over each other. He said Mike has two older brothers. He said both of them have brothers who are obsessed by Todd Rundgren. He said that they both love things British too.
Howard asked Dana about doing Austin Powers and how that was an impression of Lorne Michaels. Howard said he heard that the impression Mike does was based on Dana's impression. Dana said when he started there no one did Lorne. He said he told Lorne this recently. He said Lorne broke one night when he was trying to figure out what the show was going to be. He said he has them on cards and breaks them down into acts. He said he did an impression of him saying ''I still have no fucking first act.'' He said then he'd do this impression of him saying ''Never underestimate the value of water.''
Dana said he spent the whole night with Lorne at Saturday Night Live when he did a guest spot there. He said Lorne never gets tired. He said that they talked about their kids and Lorne said they raise kids and they want them to go out into the wilderness. Howard said that's kind of nice. Dana said for him he has a lot of affection for Mike. He said he never really talked about it with Mike but he did with his therapist about the character in Austin Powers. He said part of Mike's talent is seeing things like that. He said the pinkie thing isn't a real thing but he was the one who did it first. He said that wasn't something that Lorne did.
Howard said Church Lady put him on the map. He said then he did every impression. He said he's rooting for Mike and then he sees Dr. Evil and that was like him taking the song he wrote. He said that pinkie thing was something that he uniquely did. Dana said he did it back stage though. He said he didn't want to bite the hand that feeds him. Howard asked if Lorne would have liked that in a sketch. Dana said he's not sure.
Dana said everyone started doing Lorne after Mike did Dr. Evil. He said Mike did great with the Austin Powers movie.
Howard asked if he saw Mike other than at the Academy Awards. Dana said they don't see each other much. He said Mike is an eccentric. He said he was lucky to have intercepted with Mike Meyers. Howard asked if he picked up the phone and let him know he has let this go. Dana said he hasn't yet. He said he'd like to do it on national radio. Howard said how about doing it now.
Howard asked Dana about doing Church Lady and if he would be upset if he saw someone else doing it. Dana said that he had a very infection rhythm. He said that Robin Williams apparently picked up Church Lady a bit. He said he got it on TV right after that. He said he probably sped it up and made it more Robin-esque. Howard said what a horrible thing for a comic to create something like that and have someone take that character. Howard asked if he ever saw him slipping into Church Lady. Dana said he was told about him doing it. He said Billy Crystal told him about that. He said that he was such a sweet man and he couldn't help himself. He said at the end of the day he made amends with him about a year before he died. He said Robin came to him and said he may have taken a few things from him over the years. He said he thought he stole calling his penis ''Mr. Happy'' from him and he never did that. He said that was so crazy.
Howard asked if that's a mad dash to get that character on the air when he hear's it's been used. Dana said that he would have done it faster than he did it.
Howard said there are so many characters he could ask about. He said he did Hanz and Franz. He said he did that Steven Seagal thing. Howard said he loves his movies. Dana said he does too. He said he thinks he's amazing. Dana asked if he has ever had him on the show. Howard said he hasn't. Dana said that his father would make them bend over to get spanked so they all love revenge movies.
Howard asked Dana why the clip of Steven Seagal hosting Saturday Night Live isn't out there. Dana said he has no idea. Dana said that the Hanz and Franz bit was something they did with Seagal. He said when he came in they did it at read through. He said it was all about making fun of Steven in the sketch. He said they were just talking about everything making fun of him. He said it gets on the show and on Thursday they're rehearsing it and Steven reads his lines and walks off. He said he's about 50 feet away. He said he went up to Steven and asked if he's okay. He said Steven says ''I just wish Arnold was here so I could kick his fucking ass.'' Howard asked if he didn't understand his sketch. Dana said they had to rewrite it. He said they did it different so he was the stronger one than Arnold. He said six months later he ran into Arnold in Santa Monica and he told him that he wanted to kick his ass. He said Arnold just leaned back and said ''Is that a fact?'' Howard said Arnold liked that sketch. Dana said he loved it. He said when he was governor he was calling the democrats ''Girly men'' for not passing bills.
Howard asked if it's true he was called into the White House to cheer people up when George Bush wasn't elected a second time. Dana said yes. He said that he did the impression of Bush and he joked about not making him a Jimmy Carter with just one term. Dana said he got a call from Bush one time right from the White House. He said that Bush asked him to come and cheer up the troops when he lost. He said he was so young and naive at the time and asked where he would stay. Dana said Bush said that he could stay in the White House. He said he was there a couple of weeks later. Dana said his wife met him there and he was at the party with Neil Young. Howard said he heard he does a great Neil Young. Dana said there's a bootleg of him doing it. He said that Fallon is so good at it that he tabled his impression. Howard said Fallon is a good impressionist. He said he does a great Sandler. Dana said he's ridiculous. He said Jimmy will do a dance step with Justin Timberlake and he's just freaky being able to pick it up after one take.
Howard said they had just seen David Spade doing a comedy bit and he remembered the entire act. He said it's crazy. Dana said it's the energy with him too. Howard asked if he stopped doing his Neil Young. Dana said he'll do it. Howard asked where the guitar is. They got him a guitar and Howard asked him to do the impression. Dana picked up the guitar and did his David Bowie. Howard asked if he's a good singer. Dana said he's really not. He said he realized that Church Lady kind of sings like Neil Young. He did that impression and then went into ''Needle and the Damage Done.'' Howard asked when he learned to play guitar. Dana said he mostly makes up his own songs. He said he was a drummer. He said he and his brother Scott started their own band. He said he had drum sticks that he shoplifted. He said he ran into the drummer from the Grateful Dead, Mickey Hart. He said he had shoplifted those sticks and Mickey said he owned a store down there so he handed him a 20.
Howard said Dana had bronchitis and he changed his whole impression of Paul McCartney after that. Dana said he had a raspy bassiness and it became more accurate after that. Dana went into that impression of Paul and did that for Howard. He had Howard and Robin laughing. He talked about how he speaks in that rhythmic way. He did his impressions of the other guys in the Beatles too.
Howard asked if he was annoying with the impressions as a kid. He said you have to constantly do them. He said you don't lock yourself fin a basement to do them. Dana said he'll do them while he's hiking and people will be looking at him. He said he'll be trying to learn Liam Neeson and he'll run into people on the trail. He said there are certain ones that just fall like pennies from heaven. He said Ross Perot was one of them. He said that one was fully born. He said George Bush took a year. He said he will listen and pray that he can do it. He said he doesn't know when it will happen.
Dana said he wanted to do Jimmy Stewart back in the 70s and he just prayed that he'd be able to do it. He said he wanted to learn how to do Michael Caine. He said he wasn't able to get it. He said he just figured out it was all in the nose. He did some of that impression for Howard. He did Michael Caine in preschool talking about eating paste. He said that makes him happy just doing that. Howard said he does tend to explain things like that. Howard did an impression too.
Howard asked if Paul McCartney explained collusion to John Lennon. Dana said that he wants John and Paul to talk to each other and he doesn't care how. He said it's become a time machine now. He said that he's been doing Paul explaining things to John. He went into that impression where he had Paul explaining Donald Trump and the Mueller investigation to John Lennon.
Howard asked if that's what's going on in his head. Dana said it is and he'll do that in the car and on his hikes. He said he'll even record them and listen back. He said he just likes to hear the two of them talking. Dana said he was doing that during the Kavanaugh hearings. He said he had John and Paul talking about the hearings and how that was going. He did some of that impression for Howard and had him cracking up. Howard said that is fantastic. Dana said he can filter any news story like that. Howard wondered what story he had to comment on today. Robin said there's a story about the new abortion protests and all of that. Dana said he laughs when he comes on to it. He said John is in heaven asking what's going on. Dana had Paul telling John about Alabama and the abortion laws. Howard asked Paul to explain the college cheating scandal to John. He did that for a short time and had Howard and Robin laughing.
Howard asked if he explained Game of Thrones to John. Dana said he didn't. He went right into that bit for a few seconds.
Howard said when he did Garth that was an impression. Dana said that was his brother Brad. He said his brother was a master of understatement. He said that was the core voice for Garth. He said there's something very intoxicating about that. Howard asked if he was in on the writing for that Wayne's World bit. Dana said he was told by Mike that he was playing the part. He said he had a baby face so they put him in it. He said during the movie Mike was writing it and he was putting stuff in. He said he would see the stuff wasn't in anymore and he actually quit the movie. He said he didn't want all of his stuff taken out. He said they didn't believe him at first. He said he's a romantic and he grew up with Peter Sellers and the Beatles and he didn't think of the money and fame. He said he thought he didn't have anything to do in the movie.
Howard asked if that was part of the rift between him and Mike. Dana said not really. He said he just wove a part in the movie. He said they got along great in the first one. He said it turned out great.
Howard asked if he's happy with his career now. He said that the network TV show didn't work out. Dana said he went from the cover of Rolling Stone to being out of show business in about 38 months. He said he did some stupid stuff. Howard asked what that was. Dana said he was developing movies. He said he had a Hanz and Franz movie and some other things he was working on. He said he could have done another movie called Tucson. He said he was going to play an Irish guy in the West with Bob Odenkirk. He said he did a movie called Trapped in Paradise and that was not good. He said the movie made no sense. He said they were wandering around at night in the snow. He said that Nic Cage was in that one. He said he did Clean Slate and that was another disaster. Dana said then he was offered more and he just stopped doing it.
Howard said you have to be in something to have a career. Dana said it was like going to war. He said that they had to shoot on film and digital wasn't out there yet. Howard asked if he regrets turning down doing late night. Dana said he didn't think he could do 4 hours of TV a week. He said he would have been possessed by it. He said he's not sure. He said he's happy now but it was upsetting for a while.
Howard asked why he was assigned the job of getting Ed McMahon in Wayne's World 2. Dana said he was and he turned it down. He said what he heard was that he was having too much fun on his boat. He said he thought that was cool.
Dana said he likes to do a Johnny Carson bit. He said he's getting pulled over on the PCH and he's describing what he drank and where he had them. He did that bit and had Howard laughing again. Dana said he does them all day long.
Howard said he does Casey Kasem as a rooster. Dana did that for Howard and said he met him once on an airplane. Howard said he heard he does a bit where Arnold Schwarzenegger hosts a show called Predator Island. Dana laid out the premise for the bit and then did all of these impressions of people who have been accused of various sexual crimes and things like that. He was doing Arnold, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby and many more.
Howard asked if he would go back and do a season of Saturday Night Live. Dana said he would probably do it. He said he's doing some podcasting now. He said Howard is sort of the original podcaster. He said he's the one who did the honesty. Howard said Conan was great with his podcast. Howard said he must be a friend with Conan. Dana said he will do his show and they go out to dinner and have some drinks. Howard said Conan said it's hard to have friends but he's chosen Dana. He said the conversation must be very funny. Dana said at one point Conan did his John Lennon impression. Dana said he and Conan did some short format podcasts that will be out in August. He said Conan will set him up to do characters. He said this is Conan Needs a Friend Special Edition.
Howard said he met Conan on Saturday Night Live and he saw him in the hall and thought he was a little boy visiting. Dana said he and Greg Daniels were just out of Harvard and they were very lean and young looking. He said he asked him what he could do for him and asked him to get him a cup of coffee. He said that Conan was just very shy when he started out there. He said he heard that he was great in the writer's room though. Howard said there was some sketch that he did that Conan loved. Dana said they did this bit that kind of failed. He said he would be doing this dance and Jon Lovitz would be telling him to dance as Phil Hartman was trying to draw him.
Dana said he wrote that sketch while he was on mushrooms. He said that they went to see the Spruce Goose and they were showing how big the Queen Mary was. He said they came around and looked at the plane there and laughed. He said they went to an art museum and it felt like Rembrandt had painted this one thing like the guy was a dick. He said that's where he came up with that sketch.
Howard asked if he watches Scarface a lot. Dana said he loves Robert Shaw in Jaws. He said he also loves Scarface. He did the Robert Shaw voice talking about the Robert Mueller report. He said he loves Al Pacino doing the accent in Scarface. Howard asked to hear that bit. Dana did him coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. He said he can do that for 20 minutes.
Howard said he heard he did a pilot with Desi Arnez Jr. He said they were shooting the pilot and there was one woman laughing in the audience. Dana said he heard the woman asking what was wrong with them. It turned out to be Lucille Ball yelling at them. She ended up signing autographs for everyone while they held up the taping.
Howard said Dana does a Bill Clinton impression too. Dana said it's not a great one. He did the impression and talked about Hillary's fainting. Howard said he could listen to this all day. He asked him to do his John Travolta. Dana did that.
Howard said he thinks that he's had a great life even though it wasn't easy as a kid. Dana said there are two lanes. He said it's about how you process the hard parts. He said Howard wants to be the best guest on shows he's doing. He said he saw him on Fallon. He said he was up there singing and dancing. Howard said he was going to sing Baby Shark.
Howard asked if he's ever tempted to just become a hiker and hike away. Dana said show business is emotionally violent. He said that it's also glamorous. He said he thinks about stepping off at some point. Howard said he is all for him going back on Saturday Night Live just for a year. He said he would elevate that show so much. He said Alec Baldwin comes in and does a character. He said the show has changed. Dana said they didn't have that back then. He said they just did the characters themselves back then. He said now they have to deal with other people coming in to do bits.
Howard asked if Dana does a Trump impression. Dana said that he can do a little bit. He did a bit where he was talking about the fires in California and how he told them they had to rake the leaves. Howard said he gets happy when Dana comes in. He said he has to promote a little. He said he's in ''Secret Life of Pets 2'' and that has to be fun for him. Dana said it is fun. Howard said he heard they don't put them all in the same room anymore. He asked if that would be fun. Dana said that would have been a blast with Kevin Hart. He said they're very precise about what they say
Howard said Louis C.K. was in the first movie. Dana said he was but Patton Oswalt took over that role. Howard said see Dana in that.
Dana told Howard he did Church Lady back on Saturday Night Live and he was told not to use the word penis so much. He said he changed it to get more graphic without using the word penis. He said he was talking about the throbbing organ and all of that. He said he heard Steve Martin ask Lorne ''What kind of mind thinks of this?'' Howard said Harrison Ford is in that movie with Dana. Dana said he has a cool voice. He said Howard's voice is tough because it's so deep. Dana said it was hard doing Obama. He did some of that for Howard. He said that Elon Gold is able to do Howard's voice. Howard said he had to get relaxed on air to get that voice. Howard did an impression of what he used to sound like. Dana said that's hilarious. Howard said his voice would be deep for a few seconds and he'd send that in for commercial auditions. He said they hired him to do a commercial for Voyage. He said they hired him and he went in and he had that high voice. He said they accused him of lying about his voice.
Howard gave Dana more plugs and said that he and Conan are talking about going out to dinner. Dana said he thinks that Conan and Howard are kindred spirits. He said he can see why he got the podcast of the year. Howard thanked him for coming in and wrapped up. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said it's time for news. They played Robin into it with a song parody. Robin started her news with a story about Anthony Weiner showing up to register as a sex offender. Robin said he has to be in it for 20 years. He's only first degree though. Robin said they were looking at him as presidential timber but now he's a sexual predator. Robin said he only has to give his approximate location of his whereabouts. Howard said they have to keep an eye on the guy. He said even when he ran for mayor he got caught again.
Robin read a story about how Olivia Jade wants to go back to USC. Howard said she was terrific on social media and she should stay away from college. Robin said she didn't get in on her own so she doesn't belong there. Howard said she didn't know they photoshopped her head on the crew team.
Robin read a story about some of the music that's coming out this summer. Robin said Bruce Springsteen has gone country with his new album. Robin had a little bit of one of his songs. Howard said he wouldn't call that country. Robin said that's just what she read. Robin had another song for him to play. Howard said that's kind of country. Howard said that guy does not stop making new music. He said he has nothing but good to say about him since seeing his show and reading his book. Robin said he's an artist and an artist can't be pinned down. Robin said the Black Keys have a new album coming out too. She had some of their music. Howard said he doesn't know their music that well. Robin said they did his 60th birthday. Howard said they were nice guys. He said he'll check them out. Robin had some Of Monsters and Men. Howard said they were great. He said they were on Fallon with him. He said they were really good. He said he liked them. He said that's the song they did on Fallon. Robin said it sounds good. Robin said Lana Del Rey is another one she's heard of but doesn't know her music. Robin said she has only heard it there. Howard said he wants to look at her because she's good looking. Robin had Howard play one of her songs. Howard said he's liking it so far. Then he said she lost him. Fred said he's with Howard on that. He said she might be so pretty that she gets more attention than she deserves. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
After the break Howard came right back and took a call from a woman who said her son borrowed her car and started listening to the show. She said that he came home and read Howard's book for like an hour. She said he's 19 and doesn't read much. She said he now has his own subscription. Howard said she's saying her son is now a fan. He said that's great to hear. Howard thanked her for helping them add some fans. She asked him to say hello to Fletcher. Howard asked if she thinks this is Cameo. He said hello to him and said he doesn't like that name Fletcher. He said he likes Dana Carvey.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Lisa Vanderpump possibly making a transphobic comment on Real Housewives. Robin had a clip of her from the show saying something about someone tucking under. Robin said they were giving her a lie detector test about something. Howard explained what that was all about. Robin said she's been getting slammed for that comment. Howard said he is way into that show. He said he knows so much. He said JD is also a big fan. JD said he's not a fan but his wife watches these shows so he's involved. He said he doesn't like that he's getting involved. Howard said he resents people like that. He said Robin claims she's not a fan but she watches it all. Howard asked JD some questions about the show. JD was able to come up with some answers so Howard said he should take him out to dinner so they can talk. He said he's a FID or a Fan In Denial. Howard said he has a friend who tells him that gay porn is less gay than the stuff he watches on TV.
Robin read a story about Jada Pinkett Smith who has a podcast and they must have taken a hiatus. Robin said they're back and she has admitted to having had a porn addiction. Robin had some audio of her daughter Willow talking about how she likes artsy porn. Howard said he knows what she means. He said he watches a lot of lesbian film. He said there's a high end company that makes it and it's good. He said he beats off to that. He said they might beat off to the same stuff. Gary said one is X-Art or Girlfriend Films. Howard said he doesn't think that's it. Robin had another clip of Jada talking about having an unhealthy relationship with porn. Howard said he thinks it's so hot when a woman that good looking is into porn. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about the Aretha Franklin wills. She said two of them were written in 2010. Robin said the most recent one was written in 2014. Robin said it was hidden in a couch in a spiral notebook. Robin said the wills have been shown to four sons and 2 are rejecting it. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a new way to get rid of the human body when it dies. Robin said they're doing composing. Robin said that they get some soil and put some chemicals or something and leave you there for about 2 weeks. Then you disintegrate. Robin said the soil can be given to the family and they can spread it around and plant things in the soil. Robin said this is an alternative to cremation or having a coffin. Robin said this might be the most environmental friendly way to get rid of a body. Robin said in Washington state it's now legal to do that. Howard said he's going to do what with Fred. He said he's going to turn him into an avocado tree.
Robin read a story about HBO defending Game of Thrones. She said they're saying that no one could have come up with an ending that would make everyone happy. Robin said they think this was the best ending that could have been devised. Howard said that it was fine but that kid who became king is a weirdo. Robin said there are three prequels in development for the show. Howard said Jon Hein is sitting in front of the TV waiting already. Robin said they're saying there will not be a sequel. Howard said he liked the prequel Gotham but it's a tricky thing. He said he doesn't like that Walking Dead thing. Robin said that's almost simultaneous. She said they had a crossover. Howard said he wants just one Walking Dead. Robin said they're going to be making movies now for The Walking Dead. Robin said Rick is going to be doing movies. Howard said he's thinking of doing a prequel to Private Parts where you see his parents fucking in the last scene. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Ben Carson who is the secretary of housing and urban development. Robin said he doesn't know much of what's going on in his division of government. Robin said he didn't know what OMWI was when he was questioned about it. Howard said the guy was a brain surgeon. Robin said they asked him about REOs (Real Estate Owned) and he didn't know what that was either. Robin had audio of him unable to answer. Howard said he doesn't seem ashamed about it at all. He said he might need brain surgery.
Robin asked if Howard knows about the American Taliban guy. Howard said he's heard of him. Robin said the guy is being released after serving 15 of his 20 years. Robin said he's getting out tomorrow and no one knows if he's been rehabilitated. Howard said you'd think the 15 years would have beaten the extremist views out of him. Robin said no one is going to be watching this guy like they're watching Anthony Weiner. Robin said she's not sure how this guy betrayed his country and he's getting off so easy.
Robin said democracy doesn't work and the reason why is because the democrats are going to be talking about impeachment and then having a meeting about the infrastructure spending bill with the President.
Robin read a story about how credit cards have more germs on them than cash and urinals. Robin said they found the cards were dirtier than cash and urinals. Robin said they're not as dirty as a park bench. Howard said everyone at Colbert was shaking his hand. He said he didn't want to be a douche but he had to find hand sanitizer. He said he should just shake someone's hand. He said he does it but then he's looking for hand sanitizer. He said he's doing it like 500 times a day. Robin said she uses it a lot but she doesn't shake guest's hands. Robin said she hugs. She said she gets away with it. Howard said the problem with hugging is that he will hug perfect strangers. Howard said his daughter will bring a guy home and he'll hug the guy instead of shaking hands. He said he wants to bring back waving.
Robin read a story about Ice T giving advice to Amazon. Robin said Ice T almost shot one of their delivery divers because he wasn't wearing a uniform. Robin said he says they should at least wear a vest when they make a delivery. Robin said they thanked him for that over at Amazon. Robin said sometimes the stuff is delivered in unmarked cars. Robin asked if Howard gets that stuff. Howard said his wife must handle that. Howard said he hides under the bed when someone comes to their house. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Today's show was over around 11:15am.