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Howard started the show talking about how tired he is already. He said his pal Jimmy Kimmel is there with them this morning. Howard said he saw an interesting article about how men can't say ''I love you'' to each other. He asked if Jimmy saw it. Jimmy said he did not. Howard said he loves Jimmy but it would be weird to say it to him. Jimmy said he's feeling weirded out now but he does love Howard. Howard said this guy was talking about this in the modern love column. He said he had a good friend when he was a kid and they would hold hands to Kindergarten. He said a kid came up to them and said they were gay for doing that. He said they didn't even know what gay was but as boys they didn't know but they never held hands again. He said this guy was talking about how he has a friend who he loves as a friend and he has said he loves him to the guy and the guy never says it back. He said it's a great article.
Howard said if he said it to Jimmy he'd probably walk out of the room. Jimmy said it seems like something you save for death. He said maybe on someone's death bed you tell them that. Jimmy said it does seem odd to do that. Robin said women do it all the time. Jimmy said his wife dos that with Howard's wife. He said he feels like that should be reserved for him.
Howard said they were going to go to Italy together. Jimmy said it's all he's asked about now. He said people tell him to give it to Howard. He said he's not going to drag him there by his feet.
Howard said he's been working a lot in therapy. He said he's kind of locked himself in a prison in life. He said he feel safest in his cage. Robin asked what's going to happen if he walks out. Howard said he's fear based and he feels weird going out of his house. He said it's left him trapped in the house. He said his parents were full of fears and stuff. He said whatever has happened in his life he'd like to break out of. Robin said she hopes he does.
Howard said it would be awesome to go to an old world country. He said Italy is one of those places that has that. He said there are so many things he'd like to see over there. He said he pictures himself out there going to museums and painting with Jimmy. He said Beth and Molly were going to go do other things while he stares at paintings all day.
Howard said Jimmy suggested going to Italy and he thought he'd be done with book promotion and he'd go in June. He said Beth wanted to go too. He said they called Jimmy and Molly and they said they would go. He said Jimmy said he had the best pizza over there and cried when he ate it.
Howard said they were all excited about this. He said they called and booked the whole trip. Jimmy said they did all of the hard parts. Howard said his shrink even said he has to research what he wants to do over there. He said he had to teach him how to vacation. He said his psychiatrist noticed he wasn't talking about this trip at all. Jimmy asked if he ever considered his psychiatrist wants a week off from him.
Howard said he was all set on going but he wasn't excited about it. He said he was dreading it the closer it got. He said he wants to be with Jimmy and Molly but at his house instead. He said they can have Italian food every night. He said Rachel Ray sent a pan pizza recipe over and they made it the way she said and it was magnificent. He said he even said to Beth they don't need to go to Italy if they have that.
Jimmy said he found that getting Howard to do something he doesn't want to do he enjoys it. Howard said he got all nervous and Beth both nervous about him. He said she started wondering about what he was going to be like in a hotel. He said she knew it was going to make her a nervous wreck. Jimmy said there is a possibility that Beth is saying those things to him so he tells her not to worry. He said he tried that. He said he told her not to worry about him and he wants to see Italy. He said then she was dreading the thought of going with him. He said she might like going with Jimmy and Molly instead.
Howard said the other thing is that the flight was going to be 9 hours from New York so it would be like 15 for Jimmy. Jimmy said he thought it was 9 from L.A.
Jimmy said that Beth is such a lucky lady. Howard said she's so relieved that they're not going. He said she's relieved of that burden of going with him. He said he can't just get the fuck together to do it. Jimmy said he does that and he's always glad when he does it. He said he doesn't want to do anything.
Howard said Jimmy went to Africa. Jimmy said there are parts of that Howard would not love. He said you get in a small plane and fly wherever. Howard said he couldn't do that. He said they were going to go and he was also thinking that they just wanted to observe him on vacation. Howard asked if they're going to Italy. Jimmy said they have put it off until Howard is ready to go. He said they're waiting for him to go. Howard said it will happen. Jimmy said he knows Howard wants to go. He said no one is more disappointed than Robin. He said people want Howard to go. He said it's like he has a disease and they want to see him cured. Howard said it is a disease. He said they want to see him locked up.
Howard said this club is Jimmy's and they have to pay him to license his name. Jimmy said he does get paid. He said the great thing is that they have something in Las Vegas. He said the other thing is that he has all of this crap he doesn't want to throw away and people like to see this stuff. He said he has Crank Yankers puppets and the Man Show sign and things like that. He said he can put that stuff there. Howard said he's thinking of throwing some stuff out that he's saved. He said he has this storage facility and they just put everything in there. He thought they might have a museum one day but he finds out they have underpants from the Underpants Party. He said it's all just stupid. He said they pay his rent on stuff that they're keeping in there. He said he has all kinds of bullshit that no one needs to see. Jimmy said bring it to Vegas. He said there's a Liberace museum out there in Vegas. He said they could put Howard's stuff in there.
Howard said he has a Mummified Eric the Actor. He said he must miss him. Jimmy said he does. Howard asked what kind of money he'd be making on Cameo. He said High Pitch Erik might be making $100,000 a year on there. Jimmy said you go on there and you wonder what's happening there. Howard said it is turning into a business. Robin said bigger people will go on to make money. Jimmy said he has bought a couple on there. He said there's a great video that Bobo made. He said it's a video that goes on and on and on. Howard said he does really long ones. He said they played it on the air. Jimmy said he missed that. He said that he called black people ''spear chuckers'' in it. He said that Bobo asked the guy not to tell anyone. He said he's a moron. He laughed at how dumb Bobo is.
Howard asked if he would ever let Guillermo have a Cameo account. Jimmy said he doesn't think so. He said he goes on there and wonders if these people really need money. He said there are people who have money and are on that sight. He said maybe they're overwhelmed with requests for videos. Jimmy said he gets maybe one a week.
Howard asked who he bought. Jimmy said he bought Lance Bass because he looks like a friend of his. He said he had him do one for his friend Dan. He said it was like $75 or $100. He said the other one was some wrestler.
Howard played Bobo's long Cameo video where he says a bunch of weird stuff. Howard played some of that and then took a call from Gary Audio Book clips where he was talking about Italy.
Howard asked if Jimmy got his book (Howard Stern Comes Again) yet. Jimmy said he has not seen it yet. Howard said they put them in the mail and he should have gotten it. Jimmy said he'll get his copy from Amazon before he gets it from Howard. Howard said he said to the book company that he wanted people to get it early. He said he wanted people who were in the book to get it. He said he called up and asked if they were going to send them. He said they said yes. He said he asked when and they said they don't want to send them out too early because of theft. Jimmy said Conan got it. Howard said that might be because he was going to be on the show. Jimmy said he's on the show too. Howard said he wanted to ask what he thought about what he wrote about him. Jimmy said he will call him on Wednesday.
Howard asked if he's in town for the up fronts. Jimmy said he is. He said this is where the TV industry presents new shows to the advertisers. Jimmy said he hates doing it but he also kind of loves it. He said it's almost a tradition now. Howard said it's part of his worth over at ABC. Robin said that if they didn't ask he'd wonder why. Jimmy said she's right. He said he did miss going one year when his son had surgery. Howard said he should thank that kid for that. Howard asked how that kid is doing. Jimmy said he's great. He said his son bit him on the nipple recently. He said he just dug right in. He said Howard would watch it a million times if he saw it on video. He said he made a sound when he did it. He said he bit and clamped on.
Howard asked how old the kid is. Jimmy said he's 2 and he's teething. Howard said he knows his daughter but he hasn't been hanging out with him at all. He said he doesn't know Billy. Jimmy said hopefully he'll get to know him soon. He said he doesn't say much at this point. Howard asked if he was trying to nurse on him. Jimmy said he thinks he was just trying to taste it.
Howard said Jimmy works harder than anyone he knows. Jimmy said he has a level of exhaustion at this point. He said he has zero down time. Howard asked if he and Molly snap at each other with the kid. Jimmy said she's often annoyed with him. He said it's a matter of who is doing the most and it's always her. Howard said you argue about who is doing the most. He said it has to be exhausting. Jimmy said they have a nanny who goes home at 5 o'clock. Howard said they both work on the show. He said they get home after the show and when do they get home. Jimmy said he finishes around 6:45. He said he's there at 10 in the morning. He said he goes through about 40 pages of monologue material every morning. He said he refines it and they go through it during the day. He said he gets to work around 10:15 and he's there all day and he doesn't have a minute of down time. Jimmy said there's too much to do before the show records at 5. He said he has to do work at home too. He said that's a couple of hours of homework too. He said when you do a show every day you never stop thinking about what you're going to do.
Howard asked if he would prefer a guest prepares something to do on a show or just go on and answer questions. Jimmy said he should just answer questions. He said you have to do a pre-interview but you don't have to prepare. He said he uses them as a safety net. He said he likes interviews they do where they never get to anything they prepared.
Howard said he was talking to Robin about what he should talk about on the talk show circuit. He said he would rather just go on and talk. Robin said she told him to only use it if it comes up in conversation. Howard said he never asked Jimmy what makes a good guests on his show. He said he thinks it's ultimately better if they talk like they do there.
Howard said he did an interview with George Stephanopoulos and talked to him for about an hour. He said they're using it on Nightline and on Good Morning America. He said that he had all of this stuff prepared and he was going to have George sit on a book so he'd be the same height and stuff like that. Jimmy said that's good. Howard said he really admires George and he didn't do that. He said he's not going to do crazy shit because they'll never get to his book. He said he did talk to George about a dinner they had with George and Ali. He wondered if they'll leave it in or cut it out. He said it only came out because it was a natural conversation. He said he thought that was better than having him sit on phone books.
Robin said she's going to have a conversation with Howard about what he should be doing. She said she will let him know. Jimmy said she better hurry because the book is coming out tomorrow. Howard said the Janet Maslin from the New York Times gave it a great review. Jimmy said she got the book before him too. Howard said the NY Times is the pinnacle for him. He said he wants people to read the book even if they hate his guts. He said this woman said some nice things about the book and it turned him on.
Howard said the guy from the NY Times did a great job with the interview. He said the picture they put into here was great too. He said this photographer had an African name. Gary said he has it. He told Howard what it was. He said it's Mamadi Doumbouya. Howard said he liked the picture but they didn't put it on the cover. He said it was kind of like a fuck you. He said the cover story was really good. He said it was about a guy whose cousin tried to kill him and he doesn't know why. Jimmy said his cousin tries to do that too. Howard said this guy was his best friend and the story was amazing. He said it was really good. Howard said it was a good magazine to be in.
Howard said he felt bad about saying the Hollywood Reporter photo was bad. He said he saw it and he didn't like it so he threw it across the room. He said it's a really nice article and a nice picture. He said he saw the CBS Sunday Morning piece and that was good too. Robin said that woman was very hot who interviewed Howard. Howard said that was Tracy Smith. Howard said he has been on a schedule... He said he did the Terry Gross show and he was there for 2.5 hours. He said that they're going to air both parts. He said he was exhausted after that. He said it's different than doing his own show. He said it was heavy introspection there.
Howard said he was reading a book review of a psychiatrist who wrote a book about her patients and she uses their stories in her book. He said that's completely fucked up to him. Jimmy said that is strange. Howard said he wants to read the book but he can't support that. Jimmy said he's surprised a priest hasn't written a book about confessions. Howard said you just can't do that. Jimmy said the line has become very blurry these days.
Howard said he talked to different markets over the weekend to do interviews. He said he got woozy doing that. He said he used to be able to do that stuff no problem back when he was younger. He said he loved it back then because he was stronger and his narcissism was stronger. Robin said she saw that Michelle Obama is ending her book tour. Robin said she was doing stadiums. Jimmy said he did one of those with her. He said that they charge people to go there. He said it was almost like doing stand up. He said people just wanted to see her. Howard said he couldn't charge people to see him if he's buying the book.
Howard said he finds it odd that they have to pay to see her be interviewed. He said it's freaking him out. Jimmy said it's two different things. Howard asked if he got to meet Barrack. Jimmy said he didn't go. He said he did get to hang out with him on the show. He said he got a tour of the White House once. He said he wasn't there though. He said he had a funny experience with him. He said he was at a party and they were outside and he was standing there with Martin Short and Conan. He said they saw President Obama waiting for his car and he was waiting a good amount of time. He said he walked up to him and said this was the saddest thing he has ever seen with him hanging out with the other slugs out there. He said Obama told him to never quit his job.
Howard said he must have secret service so they should have had his car come around. He said you'd think he'd have that level of security. Jimmy said he was just standing there. Howard asked if the Secret Service guys were around. Jimmy said he wasn't looking that closely. He said they went to this party and they had police outside. He said they told them the President was coming and his wife thought that they were talking about the current president. He said she is not a fan. He said Molly has all of her clothing as protest clothing now. He said it's crazy.
Jimmy said when Howard had Trump on his show he used to call him Mr. Trump. He said now that he's president he refers to him as Donald. Howard said he thought it was hysterical to call him Mr. Trump back then. He said that he had all of his employees call him Mr. Trump and he thought that was funny so he did it.
Howard said Trump was a great radio show guest. He said this was a goof when he ran for president. Jimmy said he thinks he likes the idea of being President. Howard said he doesn't like the job though. He said the weirdest moment in the history of this country is that he ran and he got elected. He said that he was trying to get more for doing The Apprentice and this is what happened. Jimmy said he was close to doing Cameo videos before he was elected.
Howard asked Jimmy about his schedule and how he has time for anything. Jimmy said he hates his schedule. He said he has a few hours with this kids and that's it. Howard said he can't possibly have time with the kids. Jimmy said his daughter Jane goes to school. Howard said he gets to the office and he works straight through. He asked what's going on at the office. Jimmy said they have meetings and they're schedule to the minute. He said he has to stay on schedule. Howard asked if Molly gets pissed about things he rejects. Jimmy said that every once in a while she does.
Howard asked if it's tough when you're married this long and they're working together. Jimmy jokingly said he's still dating. He said the good thing about working together is that their schedules are the same. He said when the show is done it's done. He said if they had different jobs then it might not match up.
Howard asked if he runs home after the show. Jimmy said he goes home after changing clothes. Howard said he must be fried after that. Jimmy said not really. He said he has the same hours that his father had. Howard said it's different when you have that kind of job. He said you're consumed with the job and you have to worry about the next day's show. He said he has to come up with material every day. Jimmy said he has solved that by having a few taped bits in the can. He said they're evergreen so they can play them if they have nothing going on. He said they can air one of those things so that takes the worry out of it.
Howard asked if he's envious of Conan's new format. He said he isn't wearing a tie and he got rid of his desk and he just talks and does what he wants. He said he can do a half hour interview if he wants. Jimmy said he's not sure if he would love that. He said he likes the formula and filling in those blanks. He said it gives you too many decisions to make. He said that's the worst part of the job. He said he doesn't want to make those decisions with the shorter format.
Howard said he thinks Jimmy was trying to find his format and he has it down to a science now. Jimmy said there's some combination of things that work and he can figure it out most of the time. Howard said he would go crazy in his job having to do a monologue in 6 minutes. Jimmy said there's no comparison to what Howard does. He said he loves when Howard wraps up an interview and then it goes on for another 45 minutes. Howard said that's when people let their hair down. He said it's a technique that works every time.
Howard asked how he has time to listen to his show. He said he should read him some of his book where he wrote about Jimmy. He said he will do that. He said it's out of context though. Howard said this is weird. He changed his mind and said he's not going to read it.
Howard said one of the things he points out is that Jimmy has been his lifeline. He said he will send him a note or something and he'll point out something funny on the show. He said it's very sincere. Jimmy said he feels like the only reason he doesn't do that more is because he is driving when he's listening. He said his notes might not be that literate because he's driving at the time. He said he hears those things and forgets to tell Howard about them.
Howard said he writes about what Jimmy has done for him and he talks about this pillow he sent him. He said that it did just occur to him that he only listens in the car. Jimmy said he catches up on the weekend when he's in the shower or in the bathroom. He said he makes time. He said he listens in the gym too. He said he uses the app or just uses the radio in the car.
Howard said Jimmy will send him a note about Ronnie and what he loves about him. He said he loved when he wanted to have that animal clinic in Vegas. He said he is very complimentary in that way. Jimmy said the show is better than it's ever been. He said he does want to ask him a question. Howard said he agrees that the show is the best it's ever been. He said he'd hate to leave it at this point because he feels he finally got it right.
Jimmy asked if he wants to know about the things that have wounded guests on his show in the past. Howard asked if he's talking about people who have told him stuff that has happened. Jimmy said they mention these things to him because they want there to be some kind of connection. He said they want to like Howard but they don't want him to be critical of them or their children.
Howard said he knew that Jimmy was friendly with Bill Maher and he contacted him and worked things out. He said he told Bill he was a fucking asshole to him and he wasn't in the right place to be friends with anyone in his life. He said he ran into Bill in New York and they started talking and talked about a bunch of stuff and Bill will come on his show and he'll go do his show too. He said he may do that in the fall. He said he has to do Jimmy's show too.
Howard said he felt weird doing other late night shows and not doing Jimmy's. Jimmy said it's not a big deal. Howard said he was very gracious about that. He said it's just so weird with the late night shows. Jimmy said it is weird but there are a lot of people who have to do that stuff. He said Sarah would do Leno when they were dating but she had things to promote. He said he didn't really like it but he didn't bring that into their relationship.
Howard said he'll cancel if he wants him to. Jimmy said he gets it and its not a big deal. He said people are watching the shows in a different way now. He said people can watch all three if they want to. He said he doesn't feel any animosity toward either of those other guys.
Jimmy asked if Howard wants to know the stuff he's heard from people who aren't happy with him. Howard said he's not sure. He said he must have said something to Kelly Ripa that upset her. He said he used to be close to her and now she never talks to them. He said that she and her husband married him and Beth. He said that he may have said that her job is easier than his and she may have took offense to that. He said he doesn't want to bum her out.
Jimmy said this is people he doesn't know. Howard said there's one comedian he called and he tried to apologize. He said they don't want to forgive him. He said others have. He said that he's just trying to say to them that he's sorry about the way he treated people. He said Rosie O'Donnell gave him a second chance. He said that she's remarkable. He said that Jimmy is saying that he knows people who thought he was a dick to them. Jimmy said two come to mind. Howard said he did have someone come up to him and told him what he said about them. He said he doesn't remember this stuff. He said it's weird. Jimmy said some of them are fans and then they hear this stuff and it upsets them. He said he had that with Fred Savage. He said he joked about him being on Broadway in The Phantom. He said he only mentioned his name because it started with an F. He said that he met him a few months later and he told him what he said about him on Letterman and he was upset about it.
Howard said Conan was on the other day and he said that he never did his show. Howard said Gary and the other guys told him he actually did the show. He said he's done Conan's show and he has no recollection of doing the show. Robin said she knew that. Howard said he had no fucking idea he was on the show.
Howard said now he's in a panic after Jimmy brought this up. He said when he hits him with this it's going to bum him out. He said what he dons' know keeps him safe. Robin adit there's an opportunity here though. Howard said he could pick up the phone and call this person. He said his job is weird because he's just filling up time. Howard said he thinks he doesn't want to know. Jimmy said he figured that. He said he wouldn't bring it up in person but he figured on air it's interesting.
Howard asked if this is a woman or a man. Jimmy said it's usually a couple. Howard said he thinks he knows who one if them is. Howard said he has a name he's going to write down. He asked Jimmy if that's the person. Jimmy said that is one of them. Howard said he knows why that person is upset. He said he loves this person's wife but he said something about her. Jimmy said they might like to hear from Howard. He said the other one is just as big. Howard asked Jimmy to write it down. He said he has to get the fuck out of this thing. Howard asked how long Jimmy has left at ABC. Jimmy said he has less than a year. Howard asked if he wants out. Jimmy said sometimes he does. He said he's not sure what he would do if he was out. He said if he's going to do a show this is the one he's going to do. Howard said a lot of guys leave and they can't get back on TV.
Howard said he's bringing back Crank Yankers. Jimmy said he is. He said he's got the comedy club and he's also doing this thing with Norman Lear where they're re-staging All in the Family and The Jeffersons. Howard said they're doing it live and doing a classic episode and they're going to have Woody Harrelson as Archie Bunker. Jimmy said Marissa Tomei is playing Edith. He said Jamie Foxx is playing George Jefferson. He said they're doing it live on May 22nd.
Howard said it's weird now because people are going to cringe when they see this humor. Jimmy said when you go back and watch the episodes it's the way Archie treats Edith that wouldn't go over on TV today. He said that's the way it was back then though. Robin said it was like that with I Love Lucy. She said Ricky put Lucy over his knee and spanked her. She said her butt was hurting hours later.
Howard said imagine Marissa Tomei as Lucy in that. Jimmy said imagine a guy beating his wife in a sitcom today.
Howard said he's not sure how Jimmy has time for all of this stuff. He said he knows he has to leave in 15 minutes so he's not taking a break. He said his mother called and she can't figure out the DVR. He said his mother saw the CBS Sunday Morning thing and she asked him if he was really miserable growing up. He said he told her he wasn't. He said he didn't want to get into it with a 91 year old woman. He said he told her that all he meant was that he feels sad some days and others he doesn't. He said it's just like anyone else. He said then his mother started telling him how sad her life was. He said he's not going to get into that stuff. He said she got the book and she's reading that too. He said he brought the book to his parents and his dad is 96 now and not in great shape. He said he just said it's very nice. He said his dad said the book was very heavy.
Jimmy asked what they're doing about the audio book. Howard said he's not doing that. He said it shouldn't be an audio book.
Howard asked if Jimmy is going to write the other name down. Jimmy said he can do that. Howard had him do that and then took a look. Howard asked if these people want to hear from him. Jimmy said they may. Howard said he doesn't recall saying anything about this person. Jimmy said he had a conversation about 6 months ago. Howard asked if he was at a party. Jimmy said he was out with this couple at dinner. He said she brought it up. He said they like Howard. Howard said they were offended about something he said about them. Jimmy said he doesn't want to say too much on the show. Howard said he thinks he's been good to people. Jimmy said he thinks that they're 100 percent right being upset. Howard said he has to write something else down to ask if it has to do with this. Jimmy said yes. Howard said he can't call them. He asked Jimmy to call and tell them he's sorry. Howard said it's just too much. He said the book is opening up a lot of this.
Howard said he knows Jimmy loves Alex Jones on the show so he set him up to be on today. Howard had Fake Alex doing his thing on video for Jimmy. Howard had Alex talk to Jimmy for a short time. Alex had his team in the studio with him to talk to Jimmy. Fake Alex had George Soros in the studio with him and also had Hillary Clinton. Alex said that he knows he had George Soros on his show back in 2002. He had a fake clip made up for that. Jimmy said he has a feeling that 80 percent of this is lost to the radio listeners. Howard said he'll have to have a talk with Alex later about this. Fake Alex had some Kimmel clips edited for his show too. Howard wrapped up with fake Alex a short time later and Alex got in some plugs for some crazy products.
Howard said they learned a lot today with Jimmy. Jimmy said he has a lot of enemies that he's not aware with in L.A. Howard asked what good it would be if he called those people. Jimmy said it wouldn't be bad. Howard said he has to think that through. He said maybe in the future he doesn't want to know. Robin said some of the calls have worked out. She asked if it was a good thing for him when he has called. Howard said if he has to think of everyone that Jimmy has come up to him then he's doomed. He said Jimmy is like his Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He said he's out there defending him.
Howard asked if Jimmy saw that Sarah Silverman Instagramed a picture of her titties. Jimmy said he didn't see that. Howard said he liked seeing it. He said she was pointing out that it's okay for men to show their tits but not for women. He said it's a full on shot of her boobs behind a bar. He said it showed her nips. He said that he expected them to be bigger. He said she has big jugs and he thought they'd take up more area. Robin said it doesn't work that way. Howard said she had really nice nips and he was shocked. He said she's like a D-cup. He said he's not sure what's going on with Robin's either.
Howard asked what Jimmy is going to do. Jimmy said he hopes to get Howard's book. Gary said he's going to give Jimmy his copy. He said he's getting a copy tomorrow. Gary also showed Jimmy Sarah's nips. Jimmy said that's her medicine cabinet. Howard said he just sees titties. Jimmy said that is a little weird.
Howard gave Jimmy some plugs for his show and for the other stuff he's working on. He said the Norman Lear thing is going to be great. Howard asked if he's doing that with Justin Theroux. Jimmy said he did. He said they came up with the idea one night they were hanging out. He said ABC was interested and so was Norman Lear. He said he was the one who suggested Woody Harrelson as Archie Bunker. Howard said they have to do multiple rehearsals for that. Jimmy said he did something with Tom Holland the other night and he looked at the 5 page script and went through it and he did it no problem. He didn't think he could possibly do it but he had it down.
Howard asked when he called Normal Lear about this does he still have all his marbles or what. Jimmy said he is so sharp. He said he's bright and with it and interesting. He asked if he has met him. Howard said he's not sure. He doesn't think so. Jimmy said he's the greatest. He said he was a fighter pilot in World War II. Howard said he has to go on The View this week. He said he's going to say to Megan McCain that her father is a war hero and if anyone tells her anything but that he's going to defend him.
Howard asked if Jimmy has to call and apologize to people. Jimmy said he does. He said if he feels he was wrong he'll do that. Howard said he has to read the transcript about tone of those people to see if he really was wrong.
Howard asked if he's watching Game of Thrones. Jimmy said he is and he watched last night. Howard said he's going to get into bed and watch tonight. He said he can't wait. Robin said Jimmy said it was good this episode. Howard said he's upset that the Khaleesi isn't naked like she was early on. Robin said you don't see naked people even when they get burned up. Jimmy said that is weird. Howard wrapped up with Jimmy because he had to get going.
Howard asked when he goes to bed. Jimmy said he goes to bed around 1 in the morning. He said he's up early and then they're at work the rest of the day. Howard gave Jimmy more plugs and said you can find out more about this comedy club at KimmelsComedyClub.com.
Jimmy was going on Kelly and Ryan's show so Howard came up with some questions for him to ask them. He said that he can give her a copy of his book. Jimmy said then he won't have one. Howard said he doesn't have to do that. Robin said he can ask her about why she doesn't talk to Howard anymore. Jimmy said he kind of wants to know. He said he'll leave that up to Howard though. Howard said he's not looking for more friends anyway. He said he has Jimmy and that's enough.
Howard said he loves Jimmy and Jimmy said it back to him. They both laughed. Howard said they can't do it without laughing. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he has to sum up this promotion he's doing around the book. He said he's going to say that he has been very busy promoting the book and he's overwhelmed with it. He said he invested 2 years of his life into this book and now he's out talking about it. He said he's not sure how much you want to hear but he's been doing a lot of interviews when he's not there at the radio show. He said the NY Times piece was a worthwhile piece and he enjoyed the picture. He said he felt bad that he was saying he didn't like that Hollywood Reporter picture. He said he liked it. He said he hasn't read the whole piece yet but what he did read he did like. He said he likes that picture a lot and so does his wife.
Howard said what happens is that he's very uptight about the way he looks. He said he was very uptight about how he looked on CBS Sunday Morning. He said last week Mariann called in and said he looked good and he saw it and threw it across the room. He said he got off the air and his wife said it was a beautiful picture of him. He said he took another look and figured she was right. He said he does love it. He said he felt bad when he went home. He said he needs time to look at these things. He said all of this press is coming out and he doesn't react well to being interviewed.
Howard said he was on Good Morning America this morning and he just found out last night he was going to be on. He said Beth told him last night she was going to be on the today show. He said he didn't know the Good Morning America thing was airing.
Howard said he and Beth were about to watch Saturday Night Live and Beth got a text about him being on Good Morning America the next morning. He said she told him to call his mother. He said he didn't even want her watching the show. He said it gets her all jacked up. He did his impression of her talking to him about how she didn't know he was unhappy as a child. He said he doesn't want to upset her. Howard said Beth told him to call her real quick and tell her he'd be on. He said he started calling them around 8 and the line was busy. He said every 10 minutes Beth told him to call her. He said he was trying to lull himself to sleep. He said then he has to call his mother.
Howard did his impression of his mother and father on the phone with him. He was telling her he was going to be on ABC and had to tell her what channel number that is. He didn't know the time he'd be on or anything. He said it gets him fucking crazy when he's trying to go to bed.
Howard said he was trying to call between 8 and 8:30 and the line was busy. He said they must take the phone off the hook. He said he told Beth to call them when she gets up. He said they had to ask his assistant to do it because Beth was busy going to the Today show. He said that they have to get his mother a DVR. He said he has a woman who helps them out and his mother won't ask her to help. Howard said his mother got a cleaning lady and she would help her clean and then take her out to lunch and buy her shoes. He said that he told her to ask her to help with the DVR. He said she won't do it though.
Howard said they used the section of that interview he didn't think they would use. He played a clip from the George Stephanopoulos interview where he brought up George's wife and how she says they have sex every night. Howard said that he and Beth have sex like normal couples and he doesn't think of George as a guy like that. Howard played the clip of George talking to the guys on the show after that and they were all cheering him after the sex talk.
Howard said he was told that he was sweating so much that if they gave him a bath it wouldn't have helped. Howard said George basically said his wife was lying. Robin said he said this was her myth making. Howard said she wasn't saying it as a joke. He said that her marriage works because of this. Howard said there's no #MeToo shit going down over there because his ball sack is drained. Howard said he's George the Jackhammer. He said he has wondered if he's getting a hand job or a blow job. He said he wonders what's going on over there. Howard said he and Ronnie have the same sex drive. He said they have a lot in common.
Howard said it's really uncomfortable when you're out to dinner and they're talking about this. He said he loves that Ali is so open. He said it's great to see him squirm. He wondered if he's getting pegged like Ronnie. Robin said she can't imagine him doing that.
Howard said he did a really good interview about the book. He said some of it will air on Nightline too.
Howard said the book is coming out tomorrow and Richard is going to drink champagne with his ass to celebrate tomorrow. Howard said he's going to be on Fresh Air with terry Gross tomorrow. He said that someone told him that they're going to do that in two parts. He said he enjoyed that. He said he's going to be on Nightline tomorrow. Robin asked if they can publish this schedule. Howard said this is why he's doing this. He said these interviews are not for people who listen on the radio. He said it's for people who don't listen. He said you should not be watching or listening. Robin said that's ridiculous.
Howard said he has two audiences with this. He said that he wants everyone to buy the book. Howard said a bunch of newspaper interviews are coming out tomorrow too. He said that someone is doing an excerpt from the book but he's not sure who. Howard said he had to talk to a woman about the books he likes to read. He said that will be in the Boston Globe. He said on Wednesday he'll be on Fallon and on Thursday he'll be on the View. He said the Washington Post article will be out on Thursday too. He said on Friday he'll tape Conan's podcast but that comes out on Memorial day. Howard said he'll be winding up pretty soon. Robin said he has to do Colbert too. Howard said he has to do that soon. Gary said that's on Tuesday. Howard said he's doing other things next week. Gary said he's doing Anderson Cooper too. Howard said he doesn't know what day that is. He said Colbert is Tuesday.
Howard said he's not sure how good of an idea it was to write a book. He said he has to do all of this promotion.
Howard said Richard and Sal put something together. He said this is in honor of the book coming out. He said they submitted names to radio shows for birthday shout outs. He said they said they were from India and they got them to say some crazy names. They had the hosts saying that Howard hates doing his book tour and things like that with weird spelled names. They had them reciting sentences and they didn't realize they were even doing it.
Howard said he wishes he could show Robin how they're written out. He said it's crazy. He played more of these hosts reading the crazy names. Howard said the had one where they mentioned Benjy isn't mentioned in Howard's new book. Howard said he would have told them there was no way they could get them to say Howard isn't going to Italy with Jimmy and Molly but they did it.
Howard said there were some that they weren't ale to get them to read. He read through a bunch of those. They had some crazy stuff that they were trying to get the hosts to read and they apparently refused to read them.
Gary said he's asked around and they have no idea. Gary said he knows people who get it on Kindle and other things. Howard said that's a good question to ask. Gary said he talked to Jon, Jason and Will... and himself. Howard said Gary is always an expert. He said he always has people who he talked to. He asked how Jon, Jason and Will would know. Howard said you'd think Gary would call the NY Times and ask. Gary said he's sorry he didn't do that. Howard said Gary should have called a publicist or something. He said he didn't bother with that.
Howard said he liked that article about how men don't say they love other men. He said that was in the same NY Times magazine. Howard said they won't say ''I love you.'' He said women will do it but men won't say it to other men. He said if he said that to Fred he might start blowing him. Fred said he did look good on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter.
Howard said it's weird that Gary says he asked around. He said he didn't ask around. Gary said he did say he has no idea. Gary said he asked people who were available. Howard said he asked those people at 6:45 this morning. Gary said he did talk to Jon. Howard said he talked to Jon. He said Gary wasn't even the one who asked. He said Gary didn't ask around. He said if he had called the NY Times and asked them then he'd be impressed. He said he didn't do anything after that talk before the show. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked what happened to Sam Smith. Robin said he's probably on tour. Howard said he thinks he lost so much weight he can't stand up. He said he was the one who said he fat shamed him. He said look how good he looks now. He said he was the only one who was up front with him. Howard said these guys have a good song and then it's hard to have another one. Robin said he had a couple of them. Howard said Tom Petty got a song writing credit on that song. Fred said it sounds very similar to ''I Won't Back Down.'' Howard had Fred play the song again. Howard said he gets it. He asked if the whole song is similar. Fred said that's the hook. Howard said he's sure Sam Smith didn't know it was that similar. Robin said George Harrison got it for ''My Sweet Lord.'' Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening since he was a baby. He said his son is 16 months old and they're going to get a DNA test because he's not sure if he's his or not. He said he looks nothing like him. Howard asked if his wife was out fucking other guys. The caller said she was a promiscuous woman. Howard asked how long they've been together. He said 3 years and the kid is 16 months. He said his wife was a prostitute. He said he's ugly and he had no chance of getting any other girl. He said they were doing drugs and things and while they were doing heroin she may have been fucking around with other guys. He said they got clean when she got pregnant. Howard asked what the problem is. The caller said he's not sure if he should stay with her if she betrayed his trust. Howard asked what the betrayal is. The caller said that she swears nothing went on.
Howard said if they were on Heroin she was probably hooking. He said that she either got knocked up by him or one of her Johns. The guy said he knows that. The wife was there saying that she sounds like a terrible person. Howard said he's not going to judge her on that. He said they were addicted to heroin. Howard asked the woman, Jennifer, if she fucked guys when she was on heroin. She said no. She said not since she married Ryan. She said he doesn't believe that. Howard said they should go on Maurey and get a free DNA test. Jennifer said they're on their way there now. She said that Ryan doesn't believe her so they have to do this. Howard said that they'll get checked out and they'll be fine when they find out it's Ryan's kid.
Howard asked what the problem is. Howard said he has a feeling she's telling the truth. Ryan said he feels better now. Howard said she's willing to take a DNA test so that must tell him something. Ryan said that it's costing them $525 to do this. Howard said he should turn around and not do the test. He said if she's willing to do this then she must be confident.
Howard said Jennifer must be pretty hot. She said sure. She said she was getting $200 when she was a prostitute. Jen said she's not a 10 but she thinks about herself as a 6 or 7. Howard asked if she looks like anyone famous. Ryan said she has red hair. He asked who has red hair. Howard said Howdy Doody had red hair. Howard asked what she weighed in her prime. She said she was 115 in her prime. Howard said this phone connection blows.
Howard said this woman was getting $200. He asked if she was being sent out on jobs by some organization. Ryan said she wasn't. Howard said he's so frustrated by this phone connection. He said you can hear the guy perfectly but not the woman. Jen said she used an app to get jobs. Howard asked if she went to a guy's house. She said they came to her. Howard asked if she let guys come in her house. She said it was in a hotel. She said she was homeless so she was living in the hotel. Howard asked how many guys she was doing a day. Jen said she's not sure. She said it depended on the day. Howard asked if they wanted everything. She said yes because their wives sucked. She said that she had guys ask her to do weird shit.
Howard asked how she met Ryan. Jen said he called her and was looking to meet up for a date. She said they hit it off that day and they went out after that. She said they became friends and they were fucking every day. Howard said this is the real story of Pretty Woman. He said this is the real thing.
Howard asked when she stopped charging the guy. Jen said it took a long time. She said she enjoyed it. She said she got arrested and Ryan bailed her out. She said they had set up a sting and she got arrested.
Howard asked if she enjoyed the sex or was it mostly gross. Jen said it was kind of gross. Howard asked if a guy could give her an orgasm if she was getting paid. Jen said sometimes that would happen.
Howard said good luck to them. Robin asked when they're getting it done. Jen said they're on their way now. She said she's never done this before. She said that they'll have the results by the end of the week. Howard asked if they can have them open it up on the show. Jen said it's not done that way. She said that she'd like to have the results done right away. She said that he's going to kick her out if the kid isn't his. She said if it was that easy to get rid of him... She said she's just kidding.
Howard asked if this is the first pussy he got. Jen said she's his first real girlfriend. Howard said he should stick with her no matter what. He told them to let him know how it goes. Robin said it's crazy for him to walk out if it's not his kid. Howard said they seem to have an open relationship. He said it sounds like it's going to work out. He said there's no better way to meet a girl than to pay her first. Howard said that's a movie right there.
Howard said the ending would be great if he moved out and then they get back together some day. He went to break a short time later.
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Robin said even the best run out of material. Howard said all of the Beatles had a long run. Robin said they're not making hits today. She said Paul will collaborate with a new artist and get on the charts but his music isn't still charting. Howard said Bruce Springsteen must still have hits. Robin told Gary to ask around. Gary said he doesn't know when he had a hit.
Howard said Dave Grohl still has hits. He said the last album they put out had a really good song on it. He said it was like a year ago. Gary said he's not sure. Howard said he put out a song that's on his list. He said if you look up Foo Fighters there's a pretty new song. Robin said every band has a time when they just don't make hits anymore. Gary said it's ''The Sky is a Neighborhood'' came out in 2017. Fred played the song. Howard said just listen to this.
Howard said Dave did a good job with that. He said that album came out at number 1 on the Billboard charts. Robin said they're not decades old. Gary said that Foo Fighters was started in 1995. He said he was in Nirvana before that so you can go back to the early 90s. Howard said he's not sure why he even brought this up. Howard said guys love to talk about music. He said even guys who don't know how to play.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he's doing. Howard said he's exhausted. He said he had to pee since 7 this morning and he just went. He said he's not sure why he held that in. He said his penis drips and he has to wrap his penis in tissues. Robin said people have been saying things on the show lately and she has to ask Howard about this. She said that Tracy Morgan was there the other day and said his erection curves now. Howard said he has seen guys with that hooked dick thing and he was just bragging. Robin said they say it can be caused by injury. Howard said you can break your dick. He said some guys have dicks that curve up. He said it's slight but that's the sign that you have a big cock. He said Tracy was bragging. Robin said he also said it wasn't as stiff as it used to be.
Howard said he still has a hard dick. He said he has the hair and a hard dick. Robin said that's all you need.
Howard said he wanted to do dirty talk to Beth but she doesn't like it. He said he wanted to tell her how hot she was but she doesn't like that. He said she just says ''Shh.'' He said maybe he's just not good at it. He said she looked really good though. He said that he might get creepy.
Robin said Alyssa Milano has a thing and she's got a sex strike going on to get the attention what's going on in Georgia. Robin said Alyssa tweeted that all women should go on a sex strike until men give them back autonomy of their bodies. Howard said she should go out and protest topless. He said this makes no sense. Robin said if you're on the right side of this then it makes no sense. Howard said no one is following her anywhere. He said he's all for what she's fighting for but he's not going to suffer and not have sex over this.
Howard said how about if your husband is against abortion then you don't have sex with him. Howard said her heart is in the right place but that's a dopey thought.
The caller asked how Ronnie is handling this whole book promotion thing. Howard said Ronnie isn't around after Wednesday so he doesn't have to drive him around. The caller was interrupted by co-workers. He said that's the pineapple coming in. Howard asked what he's referring to. The caller said it's people who goof around at work. He said it's just a phrase. Howard said it is not. Howard said that's just his thing that he made up. The caller said no way. Howard called Fred an avocado. He said this guy is annoying him and hung up on him.
Howard said Ronnie was on the news the other night. He said Charlize Theron had a crew of fans and Paparazzi out on the street and one of the shows was showing a clip of her leaving and he was like an Ancient Kevin Costner. He said she's very tall and Ronnie is short and he did a cool move. He said Charlize was walking away from her car and Ronnie directed her toward it. He said he's never put his hands on him and he thinks he wanted to cop a feel of her. He said he did redirect her and he looked like a real bodyguard. He said with the height difference she looked like his bodyguard.
Howard told Ronnie he did a good job with that. He said he just redirected her toward the car. Ronnie came in and said he knows what he's talking about. He said she didn't know where to go so he steered her to her car. Fred did his Ronnie Puppet voice and had him talking about touching her ass. Ronnie said he asked her how she wanted to deal with everyone and she just wanted to go right through an into the car so that's what they did. Howard said he wasn't fucking around.
Howard asked how the Cher show was the other night. Ronnie said it was good. He said she still has the voice. He said she only did 9 outfit changes though. He said she did 13 in Vegas. Ronnie said she still looks great and she was showing some skin. He said she was pretty winded by the end of the show. He said the place was sold out and there wasn't an empty seat in the place. He said people want to see her.
Howard asked why she's still doing it. He said she should go home and enjoy herself. He asked what she does. He said when you paint you're never bored. He said he got up and painted yesterday. He said Beth told him he was on CBS Sunday Morning. He said he didn't want to watch it. He said he had a good day going. He said that he wasn't going to watch. He said he told her to stop talking to him about it. He said he didn't know if it was going to be good or not. Howard said he just wants people to read this book he wrote. He said people have an agenda though.
Howard said he painted all day yesterday. He said he was like Van Gough and almost chopped his ear off. Howard said he didn't have to think about anything while he was painting. Robin said she's glad he can do that. Howard said then Beth watched the CBS thing and said it was really good and he should watch it. Howard said he did watch it and it was fine. He said that they showed the boys and girls in the back. Robin said that was the funniest thing in the show. She said he goes into that room and it was like he caught them committing a crime. Howard said it was like morgue.
Howard said he's sure that you knew none of them talked to him. Robin said it was like the lights went on and the cockroach was caught. Robin said they didn't even move. Howard said JD was upset that he didn't make it on. He said he did show the camera JD and those guys in the back. He said he told them about watching JD eat lunch. He said JD was bummed. JD said he was kind of relieved too. He said he could see the editor cutting him out as he was talking to him. Howard said you can't feel bad about it. He said it was a short segment.
JD said he texted Jason that he was kind of bummed. He said he wasn't that upset. He said his mom told him she looked for him but she didn't see him in the piece. Howard said he only understands like every other word JD says. Fred did his JD Puppet impression with the mumbling.
Howard asked JD to repeat what he said about his mom. JD did that and said it a little slower and more clearly.
JD said Memet was tweeting out pictures of himself from that show. Howard said that was pretty funny. He said he cut everyone else out of it.
Howard said Ronnie has been going with him to some of the promotion. He said he's semi-retired though. He said he wasn't there last Thursday and Friday. Ronnie said he's got him in good hands. Howard said he wasn't worried.
Howard said people are saying that Ronnie got a bunch of new t-shirts. He said he went out and bought matching t-shirts to go under his dress shirts. Ronnie said he's done that before. He said he wore some bright colors recently and they noticed.
Jason came in and said that he's done that for a long time. He said today he has black and black on. He said tomorrow it'll be matching colors. Ronnie said if he buys shirts he'll buy a matching t-shirt. He said if not he'll wear a white t-shirt under. Fred did his Ronnie Puppet voice and said his closet looks like a box of fucking Crayons.
Howard asked if he goes into his closet and pulls out a green shirt and a green t-shirt. Ronnie said that's what he does. Jason said it's interesting that he does that. Howard said he's never seen anyone do that. Gary said Brent said the colors don't match so it's kind of disconcerting. Jason said Ronnie is the first person to comment on something out there. He said he shouldn't complain about Brent noticing.
Howard asked if anyone has ever seen someone match up their t-shirt to their shirt. Jason said he knows kids do that. Howard said it's an interesting look. Robin said he'd been doing it for years. She said she did notice it.
Howard said Shuli said his Twitter has been really tame lately. Ronnie said he gets a lot of direct messages and he answers them instead. He said he hasn't been tweeting a lot. Shuli said there's no racy stuff on there. Ronnie said he'll retweet pictures. Shuli said he hasn't done that in a long time. Ronnie said this guy who used to send him pictures stopped doing it. He said it was like 5 a day. He said this guy's name was Emilio. He said he doesn't know what happened to him. He said he knows he was really sick. He said he might have died.
Howard said it's like cheating when you have secret conversations with hot chicks. Ronnie said it's mostly guys. He said if a chick writes him he'll write her back. He said that he won't say anything crazy back. He said they could be guys or a hot chick. He said he's not going to start in with that. He said this one chick asked how his day was going and he just said ''Really good.'' Howard asked why he would be involved in that. Ronnie said it's fun.
Howard said he hasn't had Ronnie on the show in a couple of weeks and he gets really bummed when he's not on. Shuli said he really does get upset. Ronnie said Shuli was trying to get on the CBS thing. Howard said he was hanging out down at Lithium. Shuli said he was hanging out down there because they didn't have a space in there for him. He said he was hanging out with Madison and she asked him to hang out there when she heard Howard was going down there.
Howard said this CBS thing had the whole crew thrown off. Howard said he heard Shuli went down to Lithium because he wanted to be on camera. Shuli said he didn't want to be on camera. He said you can ask them down there. Howard said this piece threw the whole crew off.
Shuli said that Ronnie was really thrown off by not being on air lately. Howard said this whole thing is weird. He said he took the camera crew on a tour of Sirius. He said it was so entertaining. He said something happened between that time and when he walked through. He said someone must have said something because everyone was closing their doors. He said all he wanted to do was walk through and have things happen organically.
Howard said that Emilio is on the phone. He said he's in the hospital. He picked up and the guys in the office were doing the voice of Emilio. They had him asking Robin to keep those twat shots as his legacy.
Howard said everyone there froze up when the camera came through. Shuli said it was like cockroaches when the light comes on. Robin said that earlier.
Howard said it was like the guys didn't know him. Shuli said he was in the piece. He said they showed him and Brent in the studio. He said he thought Howard was going to zoom right past the studio. Howard said Madison was sitting there waiting. He said they cut out so much anyway. He said they don't have time for it all.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that Ronnie must not have ever heard of contrast. He said you don't match shirts. He said you wear a white t-shirt to have contrast. King asked if he brings the shirt to the store to match it up. Howard said he has no idea. Ronnie said he's not answering him. King asked if he paints his room does he paint the ceiling the same color as the wall. Howard said he has a good point. Ronnie said he doesn't give a shit. He said he's not going to change.
King said that Ronnie got those big sinks and they're not in anymore. He said go classic. He said that stainless steel isn't in anymore. He said it's chrome. Howard let King go. Gary said Madison just called and confirmed what Shuli said. Ronnie said you don't walk that way to go upstairs. Shuli said it's near the break room. He said he was right there when he left and he had no idea Howard was going to her office. Ronnie said he went there hoping to get on the show. Shuli said he had no idea Howard was going over there. Howard said Shuli went the opposite way. He said he wanted to be on the show. Howard said that's what everyone is saying and he has to agree. Shuli said there's a break room right there. He said he went down the hall and her office was right there so she had him go in and stay there with her.
Robin said she's still trying to figure out this route that Shuli took. Howard said this CBS thing had everyone thrown off. Ronnie said he'll be happy the rest of the week now that he got his air time.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he enjoyed the piece. He said the Sirius compound is like a palatial suite compared to where he used to work. He said something about Tracy's interview and how great it was. Howard said he made a comment about how great it is for a broadcaster to work there. He said Bobo calls in saying the exact same thing. He said this might be his worst call ever. Bobo said he was just saying that it's really nice compared to where he used to work. Bobo said he just observed it. Robin said he has never said that when he's been up there. Bobo said he has said that. Robin said no one heard it.
Howard asked what his question was. Bobo said he just thought Tracy asking if he feels like a therapist when he interviews was really good. Howard said Bobo is floundering right now. Bobo said he just enjoyed it.
Gary asked if he has any questions for Madison. He said she's standing there. Howard said he believes her. He said he just doesn't get why Shuli was back there. Howard asked Gary to bring her in. Gary said she called and he had her come down. Howard said he can't is there all day but bring her in.
Madison said hi over Gary's microphone. Howard said he wasn't into her sitting in the office all staged like that. He said they dragged her in. Madison said she was told to be in there. She said Shuli was walking around and he's a good friend. Howard said Shuli has no business down there. He said he hired him to work and they told him to go to work upstairs and he just happened to be down by Lithium. He said that he went the opposite direction. Madison said he was just saying hi. Shuli said he's not saying hi to anyone around there ever again.
Howard said he likes Madison. He said she's great on Lithium. He said she's always talking about going to concerts. Madison said they do go to a few a year. Howard asked if she's married. Madison said she's married to Geronimo. Howard said he didn't know they were married. Madison told Howard they started dating and about 3 months later she was pregnant. Howard said he didn't know he knocked her up.
Howard said Madison had an office affair with Geronimo. Madison said they kept it quiet until she started showing. Howard said that's kind of cool. She said her daughter is the same age as Shuli's daughter.
Howard said he asked his mother what position she was in when she got knocked up. He said she didn't tell him. Madison said that Geronimo bent her over a chair.
Howard said Madison is always talking about bands she likes. He said kick Shuli out of her office if she ever sees him back there again.
Howard said what a man Geronimo is knocking her up. Shuli said he caught her in her wild phase. Madison said she did Howard's show topless back then. Gary said she was the first topless woman there at Sirius.
Shuli told her to talk about the guy she dated. She said she dated her cousin. Howard said she's good looking so she can get guys. Madison said that she was dating him at the time she came on Howard's show. Howard said good for you. Madison said she's excited for his book. She said it's coming tomorrow.
Howard said Madison is hot. He thanked her for coming in. He let her go but a few seconds later Gary said she's crying. Howard had her come in. Madison said she started listening to him n 1994 and he makes her laugh every day. She said that she loves when he does his parents because they're just like her parents. Howard said she can have his parents. Madison said she got screamed at just like Howard did. Howard asked her to cry topless. Madison said she'd have to let Geronimo know if she did. She said her boobs still stand up even at her age.
Madison sang for Howard a little bit like she does on her show. Howard said he's very moved by what she said. Howard said they'll all listen to her on Lithium. Madison said she's on Alt Nation as well. Howard said they have to get Shuli upstairs instead of down there. Howard went to break after that.
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Robin started her news with a story about Peggy Lipton dying at the age of 72. Howard said she was on The Mod Squad. Robin had the theme from that show for Howard to play. Howard said she married Quincy Jones for a while. He said he remembers how big of a deal that was back then. Robin said that they used to say it couldn't last when couples of different races got together. Howard said they lasted 16 years. He said they had two daughters named Rashida and Kidada. He said they weren't so good at naming their kids. Howard played a song that Peggy recorded. Robin said this is not good. Howard said the guys claim that he met Peggy in 2003. He had notes from the show from that day and he went over to say hello to her at her table. He said he has no recollection of that. He said she was so hot. Robin said she started modeling at the age of 15 and at 19 she joined the John Forsythe show. She wound up on Mod Squad when she was like 21. Howard said it was about 3 people who looked young enough to go under cover as hippies. He said they were conflicted as cops too. He said it was a good show. Robin said it was perfect at the time. Robin said they say cancer got her.
Robin read a story about Doris Day just dying too. Robin said she was 97. Howard said she was a movie star. Robin said she ruled the movies in the 50s and 60s. Robin said she did 3 with Rock Hudson and a lot of Rom-Coms. Robin said she did them with all the big stars. Howard said he thinks he beat off to her a bunch of times. He said she'd wear these big bras that looked like cannon balls. Robin read some quotes from some people who knew her. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin had mentioned that Doris Day had performed the song ''Que Sera Sera'' so Howard talked about his sister singing that in his father's studio when they were kids. He had some audio of that. Howard said he wasn't the musical talent in his family.
Robin read a story about the CBS Sunday Morning piece about Alex Trebek. Howard said he heard he revealed he wears a hearing-aid. Robin said he has mentioned that before. Robin said he also talked about his cancer and how tough it was doing Chemo. Howard said he seems to be rolling right through it. Robin had some audio clips of Trebek talking about how much pain he was in during that time. He was shooting the show at the time. Robin said he is hoping to grow his hair back over the summer. Robin said he has signed on to do another season of Jeopardy. Robin said he was laughing about something and Jane Pauly asked why he was and he just said you have to. Howard said he didn't know Jane Pauly had a job. He said he thought she was out of a job. Robin said she's been there for a while.
Robin read a story about Dennis Rodman being accused of stealing a crystal from a yoga store. Robin said the owner of the store claims that he helped 3 people steal from his business. Robin said the have video of the four going in and stealing clothes and a 400 pound amethyst crystal. Robin said Dennis is denying all of this. Howard said he's sure this is a good excuse. He said when Carmen Electra caught him with another woman he claimed she fell from the ceiling. Robin had audio of Dennis explaining what went on. Dennis claims he was asked to move the crystal. Rodman said that they're broke and they claimed it was a heist to get some money. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin had more audio of Dennis talking about the accusations. He claimed that the clothing was given to him. He said he didn't do a god damn thing. Robin asked if Howard ever goes in and helps move crystals.
Robin read a story about the trade war between China and the U.S. heating up. Robin said Trump has said he's upping tariffs on certain items. Robin said Trump says we have them right where we want them but China says they will never budge.
Robin read a story about President Trump speaking at a rally and wondering out loud how to stop immigrants coming in. Someone yelled out ''Shoot 'em!'' Robin said he was stopped by a moment by his own crowd. Robin said he thinks he's come up with a good nickname for Pete Buttigieg. Robin said she was calling him Alfred E. Newman.
Howard took a call from High Register Sean and said he has to get out of there so he doesn't have a lot of time today. He said maybe he can talk to him first thing in the morning. Sean said he has big news. Howard said just give the headline. Sean said he has one exciting thing about the Indian Army found a Yeti footprint. Howard said this is good. He said stay crazy and they'll speak to him in the morning. Howard said last time he talked about dog men. Howard said he was a hit last time he was on but they'll have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him about that.
Robin read a story about Felicity Huffman pleading guilty to charges in the college scam she was involved with. Robin had some audio of someone saying this is a good idea to so she may not get much jail time if any at all. Howard said he's just pissed he can't get more Olivia Jade on YouTube. He said she was good. He said she put on fashion shows for her viewers. He said he liked it. Howard said Beth said he has to come on the show and tell people about finding him watching Olivia Jade doing a fashion show. Howard said he was fascinated by her.
Howard said this kid goes on YouTube and was making like $2-3 million a year. He said she was doing just fine without college. He said the parents fucked it all up. Howard said she must be super stupid because her mom paid like $500,000 to get her into school. Howard asked what her grades were. Howard and Robin talked about what their parents would have done of their grades were low. They wouldn't have paid to get them into school. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard said they say that Olivia Jade still has 2 million subscribers. He said she should work her way back into that. He said she really knew what to do. He said she'd get a scarf and she knew how to use it in many different ways. He said she'd demonstrate it on the videos. He said she doesn't need that school. He said he never felt like she was talking down to him and she included him in all of her friends. Howard asked if Robin thinks she'll ever get back into it. Robin said she might be waiting for the heat to die down. Robin said she hopes she doesn't get passed on while she's waiting. Howard had some audio of Olivia Jade doing her vlog thing. He said it's so good. He said she's cute too. He said she's like a younger version of her mom. He played another clip of her doing her vlog out on a boat. Howard said her parents fucked it all up for her. He called them ''stupid assholes.'' He said this girl had the life. Howard ended up doing his mother's voice as if he were doing a vlog and she was interrupting him. Howard said Olivia had it made. He said sometimes Stamos would be on her vlog. He said Stamos would visit with Lori Loughlin. He said she had a whole thing going. He played another clip from one of her vlogs where she was doing her try-on day. Howard said there's nothing more embarrassing than when his wife walks in on him watching this stuff. He said he watches because he can't believe what he's watching. Robin said some people are living a different life. Howard said she was an escape for him. He said her mom fucked up her vlog by getting her into college.
Robin read a story about Justin Bieber and Ed Sheeran breaking Spotify's streaming record. Robin said they did a song together and the song is a hit. Howard said he thought Justin was going mental. Robin said he took some time off. Howard said he married Stephen Baldwin's daughter and that seemed to make him mental. Robin said he was a kid star and maybe he realized that life isn't want he thought it was. Howard said pull your fucking shit together. Robin had some of the new song for Howard to play. Howard said he should come in there and he'll straighten him out. Robin said it sounds like his baby has straightened him out.
Robin read a story about it being commencement time. Robin said that people are making speeches at college commencements. She said a Houston Texans player was at a college commencement and during the speech he told graduates to stay committed and never be afraid to ask for help along the way. Robin had some audio from the speech.
Howard said his favorite Justin Bieber song is still this one... He played their ''I'll Suck Your Ween'' parody.
Robin read about The Avengers making another $63 million which makes it over $763 million in the U.S.
Robin said that the new Spider-Man trailer has some spoilers in it. Howard said he likes Spider-Man. He said he'll watch that.
Howard said he doesn't think anyone takes the advice of any commencement speaker. He said he had Julia Child at his. He said he didn't hear a thing she had to say. He asked if anyone has had their life changed by a commencement speech. Robin said someone must have changed someone's life. Howard did an impression of what those speeches sound like. He played more of that Houston Texans guy's speech. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
They started the show with a version of ''The Great American Nightmare'' with lyrics about Howard's book. Howard said that the book is out. He said Robin looks beautiful today. He said everyone is dressing up. Robin said they informed her that they were all looking to do that. Howard asked who Robin is wearing. Robin said she doesn't know who. She said it is sequined.
Howard said he's in this weird space with all of this promotion. He said he's doing shows and interviews. He said he's seeing so much of himself. He said he was on the phone with Jimmy Fallon's people yesterday. He said he watched himself on Good Morning America. He said he tends to watch it wondering what he said and what he's doing. He said he has all of these insecurities. He said he's got all of these interviews coming out. He said he saw the Sunday Times review. He said every minute he's getting Google alerts and all of that. He said they're writing about his cancer scare and all of this. He said someone came in and told him about another article that came out in Philly.
Howard said he's excited about the book but all of this hoopla is making him anxious. He said someone can misinterpret what he says and he's worrying about all of that. He said he liked what they aired on Good Morning America but it was just a section of what they talked about. He said they're going to run the whole thing on Hulu. He said he heard Terry Gross is airing today. He said they're making it into two parts. He said that's on NPR. He said he should listen to that too because he's not sure what he said in that.
Howard said tonight on Nightline he'll be on. He said he's in the NY Post and Daily News. He said he's going to have more on Good Morning America today. Robin said she's getting that on her DVR today. Howard said he did the St. Louis Dispatch and some other regional papers. He said he's doing Jimmy Fallon tomorrow. He said he's having a hard time with it all. He said he likes it when they're just doing their thing on the radio. Robin said she understands that. She said it takes it out of his hands when he's doing all of this.
Howard said he and George Stephanopoulos were good because they were just having a conversation. He said the woman at Fallon was very nice. He said she likes very specific things in the interviews and he wanted to have Jimmy talk about that. They have other things planned though. Robin asked if they do that couch thing where he just stays there. Howard said he can leave after the interview.
Howard said he likes just talking to Robin on the radio. He said when he was younger and someone wanted to put him on TV he'd leave his vacation to do it. He said now he's not looking for that attention. He said he loves the book and he has to get out there and reach the people. Robin said people are excited to see him. Howard said he gets bummed out. He said they didn't want him to do the NY Post but he wanted to do it. He said it's his local paper. He said they have this weird move they do. He said the article is beautiful and then they have this woman who writes a hit piece on him about what a scumbag he is. Howard said it really bummed him the fuck out. He said they wrote about how he treats Robin poorly by playing those songs about her before the news. He said any promotion is good promotion but wait a week at least. Howard said they had to run that side piece about him and how he hasn't changed. He said the woman claims she listens to the show. He said he didn't know they did this kind of thing.
Howard said the woman's name is Maureen Callahan. He said she wrote about Madonna like that too. He said she writes all kinds of negative stuff about celebrities. He said she's the hit woman over there. Robin said she writes all of these horrible things about people. Howard said it's like they say the new Avengers movie is wonderful but it's also dog shit. Howard said he gave them a long interview and then they do this. He said they're weirdos over there. Howard said this guy wrote a nice article and then they had to have this woman write this awful stuff about him. He said they're punching him in the balls while they're shaking his hand.
Howard took a call from Cancer who thanked him for mentoring him in the book. Howard said he mentioned cancer but not Benjy. Cancer said he would not be this evolved without him. He said he'd appreciate a copy of the book. Howard said he has a copy coming in the mail. Cancer said he holds a grudge. Howard said he should get the book soon. Howard said he lives in Robin and he tried to get into him. He said he hopes he's done with him. Cancer said Alex Trebek is a party. Howard asked how many people are battling cancer. Cancer said it's six hundred thousand million. Howard said Robin kicked his ass. Cancer said if he doesn't sign his copy he'll get him next time. Howard said thanks for that. He let him go.
Howard said this guy Alejandro can play piano and guitar on a high level. He said he knows how to arrange a song too. He said if he was a judge he would have told everyone else they don't have careers and this kid has a shot. He said he's not sure if he has a shot but everyone else will be lucky to get a job on a cruise ship.
Howard said this guy Alejandro has had a tough time and you root for him. He said he must be the only one watching the show at this point. He said he saw the ratings and he might be the only one. He said he watches to see what Katy Perry is wearing. He said someone has to tell Lionel Ritchie he has to change what he's wearing. He said he's super talented but he's wearing a woman's outfit. He said he looks like he's wearing Liza Minelli clothes.
Howard said this guy Alejandro has a shot and that's what he'd tell him. He said he should get in a group so he doesn't stick out so much. He said that's the advice he'd give him. He said the others sing nicely but they don't have a shot. He said he'd tell them not to get their hopes up. He said he'd tell them that he sees accounting in their future.
Robin said she remembers a contestant coming in there one time and they thought that once you get down to the top 10 you know they all have talent. Robin said she thought to herself not necessarily.
Howard said the book is out today and everyone dressed up nicely in suits and ties. He said Robin looks great over there. He said Richard is going to make a champagne toast and Ronnie and JD have things to do too. He said Richard is going to spread open his asshole to drink the champagne. Robin said he's going to be laying on a poster of the book. Howard said that's right. He said you'll see his asshole right over his face. He said what a salute.
Howard had Richard, JD and Ronnie come in. He said they're all dressed up for this. Richard came in with a hole cut in his pants. Howard asked how long that took to do. Richard said it took about 4 seconds. He said he cut it out after someone traced it out. Howard said Ronnie and Sal are in there. He said Richard is going to make a toast for the book. Richard said they're all very proud of him. Richard said he's wearing an Amazon suit. Howard said that's a Kansas tuxedo.
JD said he hasn't gotten the cork out of the champagne yet. Howard said he's going to time him doing that. JD was trying to get the wire off. He had the cork pointed at his throat so Howard warned him he was going to have an issue if it popped out. JD eventually got it out.
Howard asked if JD has a problem because he must have opened that stuff before. JD said he hasn't done it in a while. He told Howard to leave him alone.
Gary said the pants are strangling Richard's balls. Sal said his ass looks like baloney in there. Richard said there's nothing wrong with his ass. Gary said there's a tumor in his asshole. Richard said it's just extra skin. Sal said it looks like a pussy lip. Howard said Richard will be lying on his back on a poster of Howard Stern Comes Again. Howard said he's on his back now and they're going to toast him and then Richard will drink. Richard was gaping his ass open to get the champagne in there.
Ronnie said he wrote Howard a poem. He read that to Howard. He toasted his book release and had JD cracking up the whole time. Ronnie's speech was short. He drank to Howard. They all took a drink and then Richard took his champagne in his asshole. Gary said it's like a drain. He said it all pooled up and then went in. Ronnie said it's like when you flush the toilet. Howard said Richard swallowed it. Richard said he did. Richard drank down the last few drops. Robin said his ass is pulsating.
Howard said that's wild. He asked if they have ever seen anything like that. Gary said he hasn't. Ronnie said it's pulsating.
Howard said JD has something prepared too. JD made his speech next. He read that without stammering or mumbling. Howard asked who wrote that. JD said he did. Howard said he feels like Tony Soprano. Everyone sipped their drinks again and Richard sucked more into his asshole.
Howard said you could hear it sizzle. Howard had them do it again. Richard let out a fart this time. Richard said he didn't mean to do that. Sal said his asshole burped. Richard said it is the bubbles that made him do that.
Howard said Richard wanted to make a toast too. Richard took another drink before doing that. Howard said they have to put this on the app without blurring it. He said this might become a new way of eating and drinking. Gary said if you do it this way you might be able to beat a breathalyzer. Richard said he'd try that out.
Howard had Richard do his speech. Richard thanked Howard for everything he does and made a nice short speech about his new book. Richard was drinking through his asshole while he read the speech. Richard had JD pour some orange juice in his ass so he could have a mimosa.
Howard thanked the guys for coming in with that. He let them all go and went to break a short time later. They played a clip of David Spade congratulating Howard on the release of his book as they went to break.
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Robin said she won't look at Howard. Mariann looked at him and said she's there to represent the fans. Howard said she's on all of these shows promoting the book. Mariann said she did a bunch of shows and ran down a list. Mariann said she lost her train of thought because her heart is beating. Howard said she's going to have a heart attack. Mariann was screaming and banging her feet.
Mariann said Scott Shannon hung up on her. She said that she got more likes than dislikes but she wanted to preach Howard. Howard said he was really moved by this. He said he almost gave her a free book. Mariann said she could have gotten it and talked about the book. Howard said she's going to have a heart attack. Mariann said she's fine. She said she kick boxes. She was screaming about the book again.
Mariann mentioned that he's going to be on The View on the 16th. She said she'll be there. She said she's not on Fallon but she'll be outside Colbert next week. Howard said save some energy for later. Mariann said she has energy for him. Howard asked where she was when he was in college. He said they have a big show today and they have to get to more but he has Annemarie from Queens on the phone. She's like Mariann screaming and yelling about how great Mariann is.
Howard said Mariann is in there live. Annemarie was yelling for Mariann like Mariann yells for Howard. Howard said he thinks she's saying something but he can't understand what she's saying. Both of them were screaming.
Howard thanked Annemarie for the call. Annemarie said she's going to The View to see Mariann. Mariann told her she has to go there to see Howard. Mariann said it's all about Howard. The two of them were screaming again. Howard laughed.
Howard asked if Mariann was always like this. Mariann said it's only for Howard. Howard asked Annemarie if she was always like this. Annemarie said Mariann got her like this. Howard said thank you and goodbye. He said he satellites just crashed. He said that they had to drag Mariann out of there.
Robin said Mariann was looking down while he was reading the commercials. Howard said she came to America's Got Talent once and they had to sit her down because she thought she was going to pass out. Robin said she was wondering what was going to happen. She said she gets very excited.
Robin said imagine what would happen if he made love to her. Howard said she'd settle right down. He said she'd wonder what the fuss was about. Howard said he should ask Beth if he can bang Mariann. He said he thinks it would be incredible. He said there are people on death row who don't scream like that.
Howard said he watched Game of Thrones last night and they had another shot of someone wearing sneakers. Robin said they also said that Jamie Lanister grew a hand when he was hugging Cersie at the end. Robin said you could see his hand on her back. Howard said HBO said it wasn't a hand but everyone else is saying it was. Howard said they stopped showing titties and now everyone is looking at it with a discerning eye. He said they were distracted by the nudity. He said that's what drew him into the show. He wondered if they made a conscious decision that they don't need nudity anymore. He said maybe it has to do with the #MeToo movement. Robin said she thinks that there aren't anymore love scenes and they're going to war and dying so there's no nudity. Howard said maybe she's right. Robin said they could have had Brianne get naked. Howard said people do fuck around times of war. He said it's a stress release.
Howard said Game of Thrones without titties is like Mariann without the screaming. He asked if Robin can believe the output of that woman. He said she's so attractive too. He said she had that nice dress and the shoes. He said you can't match that voice with her look. He said she's like Susan Boyle. He said with Mariann it's the opposite. He said she sounds like a crow. Howard said he bets she never had trouble with guys. Howard said he might have to ask her about that.
Howard had Mariann come back in and she came in much more calm. Howard asked if he made love to her would it be just amazing. Mariann had a shot of him on her phone and didn't answer. Howard said she would probably cum very hard. Mariann said of course she would. Howard said he knows she's married but he wonders if she thinks about that. Mariann said she does. She said she thinks Howard is very loving and that's how it would be. She said she'd give Howard anything but anal. Howard said he doesn't want to be in her ass. Mariann said he wants to be in her mouth though. Howard asked if she would lick his asshole. Mariann said she would. Howard said he's never had that. Mariann said she'd lick his taint and balls too.
Howard asked Mariann if she had boyfriends in high school. Mariann said she was very shy so not many. She started to scream again so Howard had to let her go. Howard said he almost had a normal conversation with her.
Howard let Mariann go and said he would never have anyone lick his taint and balls. He said he'd never do that to anyone. Robin said it's supposed to feel good so would he just try it out. Howard said he doesn't need women to do that to him. He said he's had women who want to do that but he stops them and says they don't need to do that. He said he doesn't lose himself in the moment. He said he's very satisfied with his sex.
Howard said he'd like to know who these people are who freeze frame the scenes to find Starbucks cups. He said it must be like Jon Hein. He said he was busting his balls this morning about how the episode was just okay. He said that Jon got upset about that. Howard asked if Jon is ever critical of Game of Thrones. He had Jon come in there.
Jon came in and said he isn't blinded by the show. He said that he just enjoys the show tremendously. He said the last episode was good. He said there is some inconstancy in the writing. He said it's a hell of a lot better than anything else on TV. He said what that dragon did was incredible. He said just watching it was incredible. Howard said for the Khaleesi to change so much is weird. He said she was freeing people and then she gets angry and scorches the earth. Jon said that's not what it was. He said it was the straw that broke her back. She lost a bunch of people and she was upset.
Howard said Jon is friends with the creators of Game of Thrones. Jon said he just spoke to them the first season. Howard said see, there you go. Jon said he wishes he was friends with them.
Jon went on to talk about why the Khaleesi changed in this episode. Howard asked why that guy doesn't want to fuck her anymore. Jon said it's because they're related and what everyone is telling him. Jon said she also lost her dragon and she's upset about that. Robin said she thinks that she's thinking about how those people wiped out her family and that was the bottom line. Robin said every other time she gave people an opportunity to change their minds. Howard wondered if she ruined the iron throne too. Jon said we haven't seen that yet but he might be right. Howard said he's never seen Jon so animated. Jon said everyone keeps shitting on the show. He said it's the best thing on TV. Howard said he's not bashing it. He said he just didn't like the dark episode. Jon said stop worrying about the shoes and just get caught up in it. He said this guy directed this episode and the dark one. He said he did this one right. Howard said he did.
Howard asked if he's going to be alight after the final episode. Jon said he's not sure how he's going to handle it. Howard asked if he watches the show over again. Jon said he did watch last season before this season started. He said he will watch the whole show over again when it's over.
Jon congratulated Howard on his book. Howard said Jon has written some books on the best straws at fast food restaurants so he knows what he's talking about.
Howard said they have Rob Zombie performing ''More Human than Human'' in 1998. He said he throws his whole head and body into that performance. He said he almost choked on his deadlocks at one point. He said he loves that guy and that performance.
Howard said they're celebrating the release of his book today. He said he's happy that the fans are getting it in their homes today.
Howard said he has a new phony phone call that Sal and Richard made to a radio show. He said Sal does his Howard impression and starts to spank Richard. He said this was made to a Swap and Shop show. Howard played the call and they took Sal and Richard's call and the host had a feeling he was from the Howard Stern show. Richard said he busted him. Sal got on and said that he's Howard Stern. Then he had him pull down his pants and spanked him for not getting the host to plug the book. They called back in and Richard asked him to plug the book again. Sal Howard got back on and spanked Richard again because he wasn't getting the plugs in. The host eventually mentioned the book. Richard got spanked again when the host messed up the plug. The host said this whole thing is a joke and said goodbye.
They played a book promo parody where they had people talking about books and made it sound like they were talking about Howard's book. They played a bumper with Al Roker congratulating him on the new book.
Howard said Mariann is back in to announce something. Mariann came back in and mentioned the book Howard Stern Comes Again is out today.
Howard said thanks for that. He said they brought in the big guns to drag her out of there. He said they had Brent take her out.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Mariann from Brooklyn impression screaming about how much she loves him.
Howard took a call from a fake Arnold Schwarzenegger from the future. Arnold said that his book is so popular in the future that it outsells Oprah's book which makes her very angry. He said one thing leads to another and they have two tribes, the Howard and the Oprahs. He said they have to fight the Oprahs every day. He had all kinds of sound effects and Oprah as a robot clips.
Howard said bits like that cost them over $2 million like Game of Thrones. Howard said he's a very highly paid actor.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Mariann adds so much to the show. He said he loves all of Howard's stories. He said he doesn't watch Game of Thrones but he likes the conversation. He said he likes everyone on the show but Benjy. Howard said he thinks Benjy got the book and he sees he didn't mention him in it. Howard said he wanted to bet him that he was in the book but he knew he wasn't in it so he didn't take the bet. He said Benjy is in the book in a way because he mentions the staff. He said he's not sure why he thinks it was about him. Robin said everything is about Benjy.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he's so excited about the book and he's losing his voice. He said he's getting his book from Barnes and Noble today. Bobo said Howard called it back in 2006 when Howard said radio is going away. He said WPLJ is going down and they're out of business. Howard just let him hang without saying a word. Howard said he always cuts him off and he wanted to hear what he was saying. Howard said 90 percent of the audience has no idea what he's talking about. Howard said he might have to explain or just let it go.
Howard played a song parody about Bobo and said they asked Bobo to write a foreword for his book and Bobo wrote something so long. He said he has no sense of himself. Howard played a clip of Bobo reading his foreword. Howard said this goes on for 4 minutes. He said it's really, really bad. He said he forwarded it right into the garbage. Bobo said he loves Howard so much. Howard said Bobo is kind of a bore. Robin said that's why she got upset with his phone call. She said it was boring.
Howard said he's Borebo. He played more of the foreword that Bobo read over the phone. Bobo was talking about what you'll read in the book. Robin asked if he can say anything straight. She said he uses words that he doesn't know the meaning of and he has extra words that don't need to be there.
Howard said Bigfoot wrote the first foreword. Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Bigfoot about writing the foreword and Bigfoot said he can't write. Shuli asked him to just say something. Bigfoot said he loves him. Shuli said that was perfect. Howard said that's what he should write when people ask him to write the forwarded to their book.
Howard said he has already talked about WPLJ going away. He said Bobo always does this. He said he calls in 2 weeks after he talks about something and gets him to talk about it again. That led to Fred doing his impression of Bobo doing that kind of thing. Howard did his impression of Bobo too. Howard said he already talked about this and maybe Bobo liked that but he isn't adding anything to the dialog. Robin said it's like calling in and asking him to play a greatest hit.
Bobo said it was in the paper recently so that's why he was calling in with it. Robins said he just called in yesterday and repeated something that he just said. Shuli came in and said Bobo is a lazy caller. Shuli said he called into the show for years and crafted games and bits for him. He said the E! scrolls were something that he called in with.
Howard said it is mind blowing that these stations aren't rock stations. He said he talked about it a couple of weeks ago and then Bobo calls in with the same thing a couple of weeks later. Howard said it's very complimentary but he doesn't need his balls sucked about it.
Shuli said when he contacted him about the book foreword he told him to keep it on the down low. He said he went right to Mariann with it. Bobo said he wrote most if it himself but Mariann gave him some lines. Shuli said Mariann took the first line from a book about Princess Diana. Howard asked if Bobo would really get lines from someone else if he asked him to write it. Bobo said he did that for the most part. Howard played the clip of Bobo reading the first line in the foreword again. Howard didn't understand what he was saying so he asked Bobo what it was. Bobo said he was saying that he's the underdog in life that gives you life. Howard asked him to say it again. Bobo repeated the line and it didn't make sense to him this time.
Howard said he should print that in the book. He had Fred reciting the line again as Bobo. Howard had Bobo read the line again. Bobo did it and had himself all confused again. He stopped reading it and said he didn't proof read it. Shuli said he didn't write it either. Howard asked what spelling of ''to'' was it. Bobo said it was just ''to.'' Bobo asked if he liked the way he wrote the opening line. Howard replayed the clip again where Bobo read the foreword. They picked apart every sentence. Howard said he thinks when you play it backwards it makes sense.
Howard played more of the clip and said he has to recall the book and put that in there. Bobo said he has something good in there. He said pick up the book if you're a fan of the book or if you're inquisitive. Shuli said he had to have copied this. Bobo said he wrote all of that from his head. Howard did his impression of Bobo reading the foreword again. Fred did the voice too and had him laughing like Elmer Fudd.
Howard played more of the clip of Bobo reading the foreword and goofed on him some more. Bobo said he talks about how the last line makes him emotional. Howard had him read it. Bobo read what he wrote and started to break up when he said that he has made him laugh in life's difficult times. Robin said he can't read it because he can't read. Bobo said he can read just fine. Bobo read more of the line and said Howard has been kind and treated him very well when he's been in the studio. He sounded like he was upset. Howard told him to wipe his eyes with his toupee. Shuli said they treated him with respect when they glued pubic hair to his face. Bobo said they know what he means. Howard said he knows.
Howard said Shuli called High Pitch Erik and had him write a foreword too and all he did was talk about himself. Robin said that's all Bobo did. Howard had to ask Bobo to put his phone to his mouth. Bobo said it is. Bobo said he may have been looking down at the paper. He's clueless about when he turns his mouth from the phone.
Howard played a clip of High Pitch Erik reading his own foreword for the book. In that one Erik was talking about how he has made radio gold for Howard and he has embarrassed himself on the show for him. He said he did that so the show would be at the top. Howard said this is a guilt trip, not a foreword.
Howard did his Erik impression talking about how he did all of this stuff for him. Howard thanked Bobo for the call. He said thanks for the foreword. Howard said he was right about the WPLJ thing. Bobo also said how dare Scott Shannon turn down Mariann from Brooklyn. He said he's number 3 in the market. Howard said he has to take a break and get his publisher in there. He said they have an announcement to make after the break. He said this is a very smart guy. He said he went to Princeton or something. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said that's his dad singing. He said he must be happy his book is out. He said he invited John Karp in today. He said he seduced him into writing a book. He said that he had toyed with the idea of writing a book but it was John and Vinnie Favale who came over. He said it was a guy named Sean too who edited the book. Howard said he came in with a book that he had already put together. John said he was his white whale and he was trying to get to him for 12 years. He said he went to his agent and had lunch with him. Howard said it's so great to see the book. He said he's glad he seduced him that day.
Howard said he wasn't ready to release his book but they wanted him to just put it out. He said he wanted a date and he wasn't ready. John said Howard did 7 drafts of the book. He said draft 3 was great. Howard said he thought it was shit. He said he wasn't digging deep enough. John said he was right to persist.
Howard said while he was writing the book he waned it to be something he'd be proud of. He said he was making revisions and they would print out the book and get it back to him and he'd say it wasn't good enough. He said then he'd start over again. He said he has about 50 finished books. John said he kept hearing from Don that they have to respect his process. He said he doesn't understand the process. He said they would get the book and they thought it was ready. He said it's usually the other way around.
John said it would have been a perfect Christmas gift. Howard said he wishes he was ready for it. He said he just had to get it right. He said he wasn't going to be ready by Christmas. He said he had to have his agent call John and tell him.
John said when he heard it might be 3 years until he's done he panicked. He said he had to settle himself down.
Howard said his movie company was the same way. He said they threw away like 18 scripts before they settled on one. John said you don't always enjoy the work but the work has to come first.
Howard said this book promotion is killing him. John said it's been great. Howard said it's good but it's tough.
Howard said he enjoyed the George Stephanopoulos interview. He said he's really proud of the book and he was right to push him to do the book. He said he looked up a fact about John who started a publishing company that only did 12 books a year. He said he was dedicating a month to promotion for each book. He said he didn't seem like a douche bag at all either. John said he tries not to. He said his sister is like that as well. He said her name is Kathy Karp. He said she's been on Superfan Roundtable. John said that all of these people were telling him he should get Howard to do a book. He said that Vinnie Favale was one of them.
John said that this book isn't just about the interviews. He said it's about honest conversation. He said Madonna was a very real interview. Howard said she did get real in there. Howard said mike Tyson talked about drug addition and he saw in the transcripts it was like food. He said imagine if you can't eat for 2 days, that's what drug addiction was like for Mike.
John said that Howard said the interviews were like radio plays and the people in them are characters. Howard said you do learn from these people. He said you listen to them and you learn that they struggle. He said it's pretty wild.
Howard asked John where he went to school. John said he went to Brown. Howard said he must be pretty smart. John said Howard is very smart. He said he thinks he is the Phillip Roth of radio. He said they've both done amazing things for masturbation.
Howard said he has a lot more promotion to do. He asked how John got into publishing. John said his first job was an editorial assistant and he got that because he could type 100 words per minute. Howard asked if he's a number one publisher. John said he is right now because of Howard.
Howard asked about working with Bruce Springsteen. John said he was great. He said he went to his house and he introduced himself as Bruce. He said that was humility. He said he cared about every word of his book. He said he cared as much about his book as Howard did. Howard asked if he drove him nuts. John said not really. Howard said he kept calling Sean and asking him to change things. He said he must have driven him nuts.
Howard said John did Hillary Clinton's book and Trump's book too. John said he did a book called ''How to get Rich.'' He said there was a list of things Trump has said on Politico.com and they had a quote from his book that he actually wrote.
Howard said he did John McCain's book too. John said he did. Howard said he got to meet him once. He said he went over to the guy and told him what an inspiration he was. He said he talked to him about what he did in Vietnam and what he sacrificed for the country. He said McCain was a real humble guy and said he didn't have to say that. He said he never thought he'd get to meet the guy so he had to say it. He said that's what killed him about Trump saying that he wasn't a hero. He said he was shocked by that. He said you just don't say that about a guy who spent 5 years in a box in Hanoi. John said he never wanted to be called a hero. Howard said he's going to tell Megan McCain that when he goes on The View.
Howard said John put out a book by Mario Puzo and he was by his side on his death bed. John said he had just finished a book and he had to tell him that the book was good. He said his family said he had to hear that to let go. He said he died about 6 hours later after he told him that. He said all he did was hold his hand because he's not sure if he even heard him. He said you'd think that a guy who wrote all of that violent stuff would be a rough or angry guy but he was very sweet. Howard said maybe he was playing out his fantasies. John said he thinks he was.
John said that Mario said that the voice he heard in his head as The Godfather was his mother's voice. Howard said that's very telling.
Howard asked John how fast he can type. John said he can type 100 words per minute. He said he had a company in college that typed up people's term papers. Howard said he's glad his father made him take typing lessons.
Howard asked if he was scared coming to his apartment to meet him. John said he was told not to shake his hand so he was nervous about that. He said he wasn't sure how to get the meeting off to a good start. Howard said it took him a long time to say yes. John said he told him if he did it then it would be his legacy. Howard said he got him with the legacy thing. He said he sent his daughters the book and they got it yesterday. He said that was very important to him too.
John said there are many words of wisdom in the book. Howard said Janet Madsen gave it a good review. He said that's all he cared about.
Howard asked who he's going after now. John said he's not sure. He said this is going to be hard to top. Howard said he's proud of it. He said he's glad he pushed him to do it. Howard said he didn't think it would take 2 years to write it. He said that his wife even asked why he agreed to write it. He said he was bitching and moaning the whole time.
Howard said Gary has an announcement to make. Gary came in and said it's after 9 and the book is now available. He said they're going to present the New York City Gospel Choir to sing for him. They came in and sang for him. Howard sounded happy about that. They were singing ''Oh Happy Day... Howard Stern Comes Again.''
Howard said they can really sing. Howard said he was a judge on America's Got Talent so he knows singing when he hears it. He asked for an Amen. He got that from the whole choir. Howard said the director of the choir is MarkAnthony Henry. Howard spent a minute talking to him and the choir. MarkAnthony told Howard that these are the best of the best in this choir. Howard asked how often they get together. MarkAnthony said they coordinate per event.
Howard asked John what he thinks about this. He said Bruce Springsteen didn't even have this. Howard said they opened up for Paul McCartney. MarkAnthony said they did a Robin Hood charity event and opened up for him. He said they did one last night for Pharrell and Sean Mendes. He said they're very happy to be there for Howard today too.
Howard asked if anyone there is not religious. MarkAnthony said they are all religious but they aren't a church choir. Howard had them sing the theme for The Jeffersons along with him. They said they love to do that so they went right along with it. Howard said look at that. They kept going when Howard ran out of lyrics.
Howard said he liked that. He had them giving him some Amens and some hallelujahs. They were all going along with that and giving him what he wanted. Howard said he has to thank John Karp and himself as well. The choir gave him everything he asked for. Howard said he's directing and he loves it.
Howard asked for an amen for people in the book like Jerry Seinfeld and David Letterman. He said praise them all. Howard said this choir has some very attractive women in it. Howard asked for one of their names. She said her name is Shequila Roberts. Howard asked if she's in love with anyone. She said she's in love with the leader right there. Howard asked if she's single. She said she is. She said she's working on herself. Howard said she doesn't need anymore work. He said this is his kind of woman. He said things are stirring in him. MarkAnthony said ''Oh my!'' Howard asked if they had anyone wanting to give individual amens. He got one and got an Amen from the choir for the amen. He asked for some other things and got some hallelujah and a Halle Berry. He got amens for Robin and for the photographers that make him look presentable in this time of book promotion. Howard had Fred get an amen. He got a Baba Booey from the choir. He asked for a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and got silence and a ''What?''
Howard said he had a dream like Dr. Martin Luther King. He said he had a dream to release his book Howard Stern Comes Again.
Howard said the choir was great. He said that he wants an amen for them. He said they're all beautiful in their own way. Howard thanked MarkAnthony for coming in. The choir sang another song for the book to play themselves out. They sounded pretty amazing.
Howard said ''praise me!'' as they were singing. The choir wrapped up and Howard thanked them again. John said he has never seen anything like that. Howard said he's going to join that choir. Robin said he was pretty good with Movin' On Up. Howard said he had the words but he ran out. He thanked them for coming in and thanked John for coming in. He was about to go to break and Gary said they have one more song for walking out. Howard said he though that song was the last one. Howard had them do their last song as they were walking out. They went out with even more energy than they came in with. They sang about the book as they were leaving. Howard said Holy mackerel. He said get that up on the app immediately. He said he felt like Jesus in there. Robin said that was like Sunday morning.
Gary said they rehearsed last week and they can do anything. Howard said they were amazing. Robin said Howard was great doing the Jeffersons theme. Howard said he's exhausted from that.
Howard said he has always wanted to work with a choir like that. He said what a talented group of people. Howard asked if John has ever had a book launch like this. John said never. Howard said he thinks he's done all of the promotion he can for this book.
Howard said he printed out ''Movin' On Up'' but he lost it. He said he was just winging it. He just found it. He said he has the lyrics now but they choir is gone. He said that's it man. He asked John if he has anything else. Gary said he can get them back in there easily. Howard said it's alright. He said the floor was rocking as they were going out.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to thank him for all the years of making his day. He said he took the day off of work to get his book and read it. He said he's going to get right into it. Howard said spend the day with him. The caller said from adopting his cat to the way he cleans his asshole he's learned a lot from Howard. Howard said they have spent a lot of time talking about cleaning your ass. He said he might have to do a book about that.
Howard said he doesn't think he'll ever do another book. Robin said he said that last time. Howard said that was 20 years ago. He said he might not have another 20 in him.
Howard asked John where he's going today. John said they're going to be counting the book sales. Howard said he hopes it does well. John said it's the fastest selling book for them this year. Howard said that's good. He said he never wants to disappoint anyone. He said he wasn't sure how he'd do there. He said you never know.
John said that it's not enough to just buy it. He said you have to read the book. He said they'll be inspired by what they read. He said Jerry Seinfeld said something that's inspiring. He said Jerry said he walked away from ''Seinfeld'' because if you're only about the money you'll never go very far.
John said Howard did the book to do the book not for money. Howard said that he has a reputation and he hopes that they get the word out that it's not about that. He said it's like torture doing these other shows. Robin said that some of the interviews are biographical. She said it's about how they got to where they are and how they got there that's inspiring. Robin said that we're all dealing with the same struggles. She said you learn why they went on.
Howard said he loved Steve Martin's honesty. He said he was talking about working on the Smothers brothers show and he borrowed a joke from a friend because he wasn't able to come up with something. He said he felt he wasn't funny but he never gave up. He said it's remarkable to him.
John said Lady Gaga and Billy Joel had similar things to say about talent. He went over what they said and said the book is full of stories like that. Howard said he's glad he quit his job in advertising and went to WRNW asking for the job there. He said he didn't think he'd be good on radio. He said he somehow pushed through it. He said those stories in the book are about pushing through.
Howard said he's still trying to recover from the gospel choir. He took a call from fake Sarah Huckabee Sanders who was going off on Howard about this book promotion. She said he should stick to the fart jokes Edgar Allen Pussy. Howard said he had his head inflated and she's bringing him back down.
Howard said Sarah hasn't been doing many press conferences lately. Sarah told Howard to stay in his lane. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said he had second thoughts about putting Harvey Weinstein in his book. He asked John if he would publish a book by Bill Cosby if he wanted to. John said he doesn't think so. Howard said they did take Henry Hill's story and made it into a movie. John said that a real writer wrote that though.
Howard said he thinks he has to rest. He wrapped up with John but then he took a call from fake Donald Trump. Howard said he should take that call. Fake Trump said he's calling to urge people to read Howard's new book and not the Robert Mueller report. He said that report is total bullshit but it totally exonerates him at the same time. He said they also have to build the wall and finish the wall and the wall is already built. Fake Trump said he just says things to get him through a sentence and worries about it making sense later.
Howard asked if he has anything else to say. Fake Trump said ''Bigly'' and that he wants to make America even ''greaterer.'' Howard let him go after that.
Howard asked if John would do another book for Trump. John said the answer would be no at this point. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that. They played a Tracy Morgan clip where he congratulated Howard on his book as they were going to break.
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Howard said when he reads he just zones out. He said he should have him read the book for his audio book. Howard said JD is really good at what he does so he doesn't have to say it's an honor to work there. JD said it is an honor though. Robin said he skipped over something. JD said he said that he's his captain and he'll always have his back.
Robin said you don't yell at your captain. She said he went off on Howard a few weeks ago. JD said he had his wife giving him a hard time and he was more mad at the caller. JD said he was talking about not being able to go on vacation and whatnot. Howard said it sounds more like his wife is the captain. JD said okay. Howard said he cares about JD and he thinks he's spending too much money. He said he's taking a trip to Wine Country and he's spending too much money. JD said he appreciates that. Howard said he has to put JD's microphone through his board.
Howard said he has seen JD spent money that he shouldn't spend. He said he should be saving for his future. He said he's not sure how much longer he can keep this thing going. He said he has spent a lot of money on webcam girls and stuff. Howard said that's crazy. He said if he spent that money on Apple stock he'd have like $100,000.
Howard said he loves JD. JD said he loves him too. He said congratulations. Robin said when JD gets into this she thinks she hasn't seen it in person. Howard said this is why he loves Robin. He said she always has his back. JD said she sure does. Howard said he gets it when Robin says she has his back. Howard said JD shits on him.
Howard said the choir was really great but they had the floor shaking so much he thought the building was going to collapse. Howard said Jonathan was a great guy. Robin said e really is. Howard said he has a lot of great guys working for him. Robin said it's incredible that he went through all of that trouble to bring that book to him.
Howard said they came to him about a year into it asking him to get that book done. He said it took time. He said the editor told him he was smart to wait. Robin said he has a product he's proud of.
Howard took a call from Wolfie who asked if he heard JD say whatnot back to back. Howard said he did. Howard played a clip of JD going off on him telling him to leave him the fuck alone and he'll spend money on whatever the fuck he wants. Howard said he didn't spend money on anything the first 10 years of his career. Howard said he's going to have a family so he must want money for that. JD said he's not sure they're looking to have a family. Howard said they'll get a pet or something. JD said he's not sure he even wants a dog. Howard said JD is going to end up with a dog and the wife will say she'll take care of it. Then she'll ask him to walk the dog. Howard said he has to stick to his guns. JD said they don't have a dog so she knows.
Howard said he knows where JD is at. He said he admires that. He said he loves having cats and dogs but if you don't want to take care of them then you can't be bamboozled into that. Howard said he's worried about his marriage. He asked if he wants to talk to him after the show. JD said he's fine. Howard said he's going to give him some real advice off the air. Howard said you know who JD's captain really is.
Robin said she heard a terrible story about some frat guys who opened a dog's mouth and squirted beer down its throat and the ASPCA is involved in looking into that. Robin asked what they are thinking. Howard showed Robin the matador wiping the tears.
Wolfie asked if Howard is aware of anyone on the staff who hasn't bought the book. Howard said he'd feel weird asking. Robin said you can't command someone to buy it. Howard said Richard, Sal and Memet haven't ordered the book. Howard said that's weird. Also Benjy and Shuli haven't ordered it. Howard said if he was working for a guy you'd think that they'd get it to see what he writes. He said that is weird. Wolfie said you'd think they'd do it to support him. Howard said he thinks Benjy thinks he's supposed to be more famous or something. He said that's the vibe he gets.
Benjy was talking about how he didn't buy the book but he would get it if he went to a book store. Howard said he heard that he went to his agent to talk about this. Benjy said he went to Don talking about credits and he was worried about packages. Howard asked what credit he deserves. Benjy said he has been in every interview since 2001. Howard said he was in the studio. Benjy said yes. He said many things he said during an interview were written by him. Howard said he's out of his fucking mind. Howard said he's not interested in giving him any credit. He said he writes on the show and he gets a credit every day. He said he gets tons of credit. Howard asked how many of the writers over at Letterman get credit. Benjy said he knows those two brothers who are heavy set. Howard told Benjy to get the fuck off his show. He said his credit is payment. He said he also made him super fucking famous. He said he's not putting Benjy on the show anymore. He said he doesn't know what is fucking real with this guy.
Howard said he gives more credit to this guy than anyone else on the show. He said he doesn't see Stephen Colbert having his staffers on air. He said Benjy is insane. Benjy asked why he's being so emotional. Howard said he can't believe on this day that his book came out he's asking for credit. He said he incorporates him into the show on a regular basis. He asked if he wants to be him and crawl into his skin. He said quit bothering his agent.
Howard said he has to get out of this. He had Mariann come into talk to Benjy. Mariann said she was calling from the green room. Mariann came in asking who the fuck he thinks he is. She said she'll beat him down if he comes in there. She said Howard wrote the book, not Benjy. She said they were having a great show and now he's fucking us. Mariann told Howard to hang up on him. Howard thanked her for that. He asked Shuli to take her out of there.
Howard said here's his credit. He said goodbye. Howard said he'll put everyone in there. He said the next book will be all about Benjy. Benjy said that's not what he's saying. Howard said he knew this book would bring up all kinds if jealousy. He said he wrote a book and he managed to credit him on a regular basis. He said that's what he gets from him. Benjy said he's extremely grateful for that. Howard said he's extremely pleased with him too. Gary let go of the button.
Robin said she loves how Benjy is sitting around waiting to see how Howard's book is going to benefit him.
Wolfie said he never thought it was going to go there. Howard said Benjy put salt on his fruit today. He asked Fred what he thinks about that. Fred said he should have turned his microphone off. Howard said they give credits in shows on TV and you don't even know who they are. He said he celebrates Benjy's contributions every day but he wants more and more like it's a movie. He said his credit is being paid. He said if he doesn't want to write there then leave.
Howard said Benjy is covered in lint and hair. He said he's wearing a suit and it's covered in lint and hair. Howard asked watch show gives more credit to the staff than this show. He said this is why he has to get out of there.
Gary said that he will interpret for Benjy. He started to tell Howard what he was trying to say but Howard told him he doesn't care. He said so many people contribute to this show. He said what a weirdo. He said his credit is a paycheck. He said no one knows Benjy works on the show. Howard said in case no one knows he works on the show and he's a writer. Howard told him to write a book and don't credit him. Howard thanked Wolfie for starting all of that trouble.
Howard took a call from Hulk who was happy to be working there and being part of the best team in radio. He said he saved him from TruTV. He said he appreciates that.
Howard said he thinks there are copies of the book for the staff. He said he's not sure. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he thinks Benjy wanted credit at the end of the show too. He said that's what people are going to stay tuned for.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this is her third time getting through. She said she just got the book and it's beautiful. She said she's looking for the credits for Benjy now. Robin said she ordered a lot of books. The caller said that it's raining down there in South Jersey and she's glad she was home to get it. She asked where that picture on the inside cover is from. Howard said he's not sure. Jason said it was from the Birthday Bash. Howard thanked the caller for the call and moved on to news.
Robin read a story about the Met Gala and how the Kardashians were all there other than Khloe. Robin said Khloe is not invited to the Met Gala. Robin said she's too C-list according to what she's reading. Robin said she somehow pissed off Anna Wintor. Howard said he put her in his book. Robin said maybe that will help. Robin said Kourtney didn't go to the Met Gala but she stayed home with Khloe.
Robin read a story about Lori Loughlin going to court over this college cheating scandal thing. Howard said they're talking about giving her 4 months or no jail time at all. Robin said they say there might be some backlash if they do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Benjy is going to do a book signing. Howard said he is going to do that around his book. He said he'd be in favor of that. Howard said that would be awesome. Howard said go on the app to check out Alex Jones confronting Jimmy Kimmel yesterday.
Robin said the Karsashians are very powerful so she looked up their educations. Robin said Cris has a high school diploma. Robin said she's the mastermind of all of this. Robin went through the history of their fame and how that all came about. Robin said Kim has a high school diploma. Robin said Kourtney is the only one with a college degree. Robin said education has nothing to do with how successful your children are going to be.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he likes Benjy but the problem is that he wants to be ''the guy'' and he'll never be that. He said that he should quit and try to do something on his own. He said every little thing is going to bother him. Howard said he has told him that. He said he worked with another guy who wanted to be the head guy and said they were The Beatles and they weren't. He said that guy thought they should stick together. Howard said it caused some consternation and they had to break up. He said now that guy is the head of whatever he's doing. Ralph said everyone knows Benjy works on the show. He said no other show reveals who their writers are. Ralph said Benjy wants credit for every line.
Robin said imagine a guy in TV demanding that they read credits. Gary said Benjy says that the book will be around a long time and people won't know that he was part of it. Ralph told him to stop and look at it. He said just tell people you worked there.
Ralph said he's going to pick up the book at the book store today. He said he's going to see The Avengers and he'll get it then. Howard asked what's wrong with his voice today. Ralph let out a cough and gurgle.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she can't stop laughing at the book where he has ''And now a word from our President'' after every chapter. She said it's brilliant. She said the painting of the cat is amazing too. Howard said that was very nice. Howard said today would have been perfect if it wasn't for Benjy's outburst. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Anthony Weiner who is in prison for sending sexual stuff to an underage girl. Howard said it's amazing he wasn't able to stay off of that phone. He said prison will cure your ass. He said they've seen guys who have been cured by going to prison. Robin said now that he's a free man he has to register as a sex offender. Robin said that will last like 20 years. She said he has small children and when you're a sex offender you can't go near a school and you can't live around a school. Robin said you can't be alone with kids. She wondered if he can be around his own child. Robin said Weiner got out today and some reporters got a hold of him. She had some audio for Howard to play. Weiner said he's looking forward to getting back to his family. Robin said she thought they had divorced. Howard said the documentary about the guy was so good. He said he's not a big documentary guy but he couldn't stop watching it. He said it's so good. Howard asked where that airs. Gary said he's not sure. Howard said stream ''Weiner'' because it's the best thing ever.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if this is sealing his decision to retire after this contract is up. Howard said it has nothing to do with that. Howard asked how much more time he has there. Gary said they have another year after this year. Howard said Mariann probably knows the exact number of shows they have left. Howard said he's feeling like it might be time to leave. Gary said Mariann has the exact numbers.
Howard had Mariann come in with that. Mariann said they have a year and 7 months so they have 112 shows a year. She said there are 201 left. Mariann said that the fans are raving about the book. Howard said it's exciting for him today. He said thanks for that. He said she brought a cake in today. He said only one person ate it so far. He asked Robin who she thinks it was. It turned out to be Gary. Shuli came in and said he saw that it had a corner missing and security said that it was Gary. Gary said he asked if they were saving it for something and Memet said that they might bring it in to show Howard. Gary took a tiny corner of it. Gary said he's going to have another piece in a minute. Howard said he feels like he should retire today.
Robin read a story about Robert Kraft and how a prosecutor is saying they should be allowed to see the video from the massage parlor where he got his sexual massage. Robin said they can't use it because the camera was not protecting the innocent people there. Howard said he's kind of disappointed in that. He said he wanted to see it. He said he can't blame Mr. Kraft for blocking it. He said he wouldn't want people seeing that either.
Robin read a story about Denise Richards who said she escorted her first husband to a happy ending massage. Howard said he saw her say that on Real Housewives. Robin had a clip from the show where she talked about that. Howard said he loves that show so much. He said he has to hand it to Andy Cohen for creating that. He said the show was a great idea. He said all of those women are worse than the others. Howard said Denise Richards was great on this show. He said that he likes her and Lisa Vanderpump but the other women are horrible. He said this one woman makes music and she's married to this old guy. He said her fantasy was to be a rock star type. He said the other ladies are afraid to tell her she's horrible. He said she acts like a rock star but she's not. He said he would guess that the rich guy is paying for all of that. He said one girl is John Mellencamp's daughter and she talks about going on tour and the women are all afraid of this Erica Jane. He said it's good television. Robin said she doesn't watch but she knows that Camille Grammer is on the show. Howard said she's really wacky. He said Mellencamp's daughter is a motivational speaker but she doesn't appear to work. He said he's not sure how she pays for anything. Howard said Lisa Rinna has turned into a horrible person but they might be getting pushed into that. He said it's a great franchise. He said he loves to hate the ladies but he must love them. Robin said he does love them.
Howard said he comes to a conclusion about the Kardashians in his book. He said he says you can't say they have no talent if you can't stop watching everything they do. He said they have something. Howard said he watches that show and it's very important to him. He said he loves it. He said his wife complains about everyone on the show. She doesn't like their attitude. Robin said she has to bail when they yell at each other. Howard said that's when they get into it. Robin said she only lasts 5 or 10 minutes. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard spent a little more time talking about the Real Housewives shows. Howard said he'd love to get into Fred's house. Fred said his wife loves those shows but he has to leave when they're on. He said that's his Kryptonite. Howard said he should be into sports. He said he loves the Knicks but they're not very good. Howard said he doesn't comment on sports because he's not good with them. He said the Knicks might get this kid who is really good and that could be the difference for them. He said he's afraid if they get good then he won't be able to get his good seats. Gary and Howard talked about the draft lottery and how that all works.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got the book yesterday and he's reading it now. He said he has really grown over the years. He said the way he talks about Beth and Robin is really cool. He said he wanted to let him know he loves him. Howard thanked him for that. Robin said she's glad the book is out finally after such a long wait. Howard said they announced the pre-sale a long time ago and things have changed so they have to do it that way. He said it's a boring explanation.
Robin read a story about Stan Lee's former manager is charged with elder abuse of Stan Lee. Robin said that this guy was named Keya Morgan and he's charged with elder abuse and other things. Howard said the guy was such a genius. He said that he finally got the credit he deserved toward the end of his life. He said he didn't like the cameos in the movies though.
Robin read a story about The Voice having a guy on who sang ''God Bless the USA'' last night. Robin said they say you can't go wrong doing that. Robin had some audio from the show where the guy was singing. Robin said Kelly Clarkson and John Legend critiqued him harshly. Robin had some audio of that for Howard to play. Robin said they're getting called un-American for critiquing the guy. Howard said if you go negative they don't air it. He said she was being overly kind. He said it's just a song he didn't do very well with. Howard said fuck off to the people complaining about them. John Legend said it wasn't his best vocal performance but he was good. Howard said he sees on American Idol that they're way too nice. He said there's just one kid on there who has a shot at being a professional. He said the rest of them should have gone home already.
Robin read a story about Bill Nye the Science Guy who went on a rant about climate change and dropped the F-bomb. Robin had some audio from Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Howard said it's alright to do that on that show. Robin said it is but he's supposed to be G-rated. Howard said he's like Jor-El on Krypton. He said they ruined their planet and Jor-El told everyone that but they all ignored him. He said that's when he flew his son out of there. Howard said his son was raised by a bunch of hillbillies instead. Howard said good for Bill Nye going nuts about that. He had fake Bill Nye on the phone and he was cursing up a storm. Howard lasted about 3 seconds with that.
Robin read a story about a guy who dove to the deepest part of the ocean and they found plastic there. Robin said there's also a report out today about the CO2 levels being the highest they've ever been in history. Robin said the last time they were like that here were trees growing on the south pole.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's writing a book and he would love if he could give him some tips on writing a book. Howard said he has to think about that and get back to him tomorrow.
Howard said here was a report in the paper about Ubers being 35,000 times dirtier than a toilet. He said they say that 1 out of 7 cell phones have fecal matter on them too. He said that was from a real news source. Howard said he doesn't have feces on his phone. He said he does have people handling it though so he hopes they're washing their hands.
Robin read a story about 94 year old Jimmy Carter breaking his hip. Howard said his parents are up there and they have shit going on. Robin said it's really serious at that age. Robin said you have to keep moving or everything falls apart. Howard said his dad used to go on a walk every day but now he barely moves out of his chair. Robin said you lose it when you don't get up and move around. Howard said he tells him to enjoy himself. Howard said Beth bought them some cookies and they're spreading them out over days. He said they should have just eaten them at once. Howard said he tells his mom to just eat them all. He said if he lives to 91 he's going to be eating that stuff and not worrying about it. Howard said Jimmy Carter was a shitty president but a good dude. He said he will always think about him because he was walking around looking for a job and carrying his briefcase around. He said he was standing there with Jimmy Carter driving by waving and he will never forget that. He said he thought about how fucked he was when he saw him drive by. He said that gave him an activity that day. He said he would just go sit in a coffee shop for hours back then. Howard said he took a job and he lasted a week or two. He said he was a media planner at an advertising company. He said his mother saw how awful he was looking in that job. He said she had wisdom and told him to get out.
Howard said he quit that job and took another job. Howard said he had quit his job in media planning and took a creative job. He said he thought he could get through it but the boss came in and told him he has to get out because he gave no notice when he quit. He said he took another job selling ad time on radio stations. He said he got paid in trades. He said the guy who ran the company was shaving in the apartment they all lived in. He said the guy got raided by someone. He said he sold one thing to a Chinese restaurant but he told him he should probably get out of that. He said thank god he got the job at WRNW. He said he had turned down a job there but went back to them begging for the job. He asked them to give him a second chance. He said he got part time work and eventually worked his way in. He said he was so bad. He said he jammed up the board his first day there. He said this is why he celebrates his book coming out today. Robin said that's amazing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got the book on his Kindle last night. He said he read the foreword had loved it. He said he jumped around reading the stuff about Trump and it was hilarious. He said hearing him contradict himself from the beginning to the latter parts was great. He said it was funny to read that stuff. Howard said that's an interesting way to read the book. He thanked the guy for the call.
Howard talked about Harris Allen who he worked with at WRNW. Howard said that guy is still on the air. Robin said she wasn't very good on the air when she started. She said she was working a two person newscast and they traded stories back and forth. She said she thought she was going to get fired that day.
Robin read a story about Tiger Woods being sued. Robin said this guy who was a bartender at one of his restaurants died in a crash when he went out driving after drinking. Robin said the guy died in a crash on his way home. Robin read the details of the lawsuit.
Robin read a story about George Clooney warning Ben Affleck not to take the role of Batman. Robin said he didn't have a good experience with that so he warned Ben about taking the role. Howard said that's the bitch of being an actor. He said you don't know if a movie is going to be great or not. Robin said Ben took the role anyway and he has done fine. Robin said he won't be reprising the role in the next Batman movie.
Howard said they did fuck that movie up with George and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Robin said even in the TV show Gotham he was a good character. Howard said the guy's name is Victor Freeze so how convenient is that?
Robin read a story about a couple winning a suit for $2 billion from Monsanto. Robin said they say that Roundup has a chemical that causes cancer and there were no warnings on the label. Robin said they were never told to wear protective clothing. Robin said they have been fighting cancer the past 9 years and the jury awarded them $2 billion. Howard said at least they have a nice looking lawn. Howard asked if the company knew there were cancer causing agents in the stuff. Robin said this was a jury award so they can go a little crazy. She said the judge might bring that down a bit. Robin said the couple was elderly and they figured the Roundup did it. Robin had some audio of the couple talking about the case.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Kimmel inking a new deal with ABC that goes through 2022. Howard said look at him. Robin said congratulations to Jimmy for that. Robin said his contract expires later this year so this has extended it through 2022. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was so tired yesterday after hoopla of the book coming out. He said they had a big billboard up in the city yesterday. He said they tweeted out a picture of that. He said he was so exhausted from the excitement. He said he got in bed and he was watching something. He said he has to get to that later after talking to High Register Sean.
Howard picked up on Sean and said that he was a big hit last time he was on. Sean complained about him calling him by that name. He said his name is Seany. Howard said he knows he doesn't like that name and he's not sure when he named him that but that's what he's using. Sean said that's when he was fighting with John the Stutterer. Howard said the name could get worse if they change it. He said he's not going to call him Seany. He said this is the name he has.
Howard said he's stuck with Howard so Sean is stuck with High Register Sean. Robin said it's kind of Wack Packy to hate your name. Howard said Eric the Actor hated Eric the Midget. He said they had to change that. He said no one in the Wack Pack likes their name. Sean said he's not in the Wack Pack. Robin said he's in the center of it. Howard said he is in the Wack Pack. Sean said he needs to be voted in. Howard said he doesn't need votes. He said he went right into the service.
Howard said the reason he's in is the funny voice and the conspiracy theories that he's into. Sean said that he feels like his head could burst from the information that he has to go through.
Howard asked what he's reading because he claims that dog men are in the military. He said he thinks he sees them in his back yard. Howard said he reads the NY Times and he's never seen anything about that. He asked what he's reading. Sean said he reads a lot of web sites and listens to podcasts. He said you can't trust the mainstream news to get to all of the stuff you need to know. Howard asked if he listens to Alex Jones. Sean said sometimes. He said there are better places online.
Howard asked what the key place is to go to. He said they used to have the Star and the Weekly World News. He said they talked about aliens and stuff like that. He said it was fun to read but even that got boring after a while. He asked what web site he goes to that has convinced him that a man dog exists. Sean said that there's a podcast called Dog Men Encounters. Howard asked what his credentials are. He said if he heard that he'd laugh his ass off. He said he's like Riley Martin. He said he didn't believe a fucking word of his stories.
Sean said the guy has people on talking about the crazy things going on out there on their property. Howard asked if he has ever thought that they're lying or delusional. Howard said he has never seen anything like that. Sean said he's not open to it. Howard said maybe a dog man should visit his show. Howard asked why all of the space aliens are hiding from us. He said they should reveal themselves. Sean said you have to understand that the government is withholding this and squashing the stories. Howard asked why. He said if they have a superior alien race they can't squash it. He said the government isn't that great at controlling anything. Sean said the government was put on trial for the MK Ultra experiments. Howard didn't know what that was. Sean said it went to the Supreme Court. Howard asked what he's talking about. Robin said she's not sure what he's talking about either. Howard asked what this was called. Sean said it was MK Ultra. He said it was the government creating LSD. Howard said oh that. He said that was a form of truth serum. Sean said it was also to create unwitting soldiers.
Howard said these people are free to come on this show. Sean said that he knows they're out there but they can't get up there.
Howard said he feels bad for Sean. He said he's kind of out there with this stuff and he has delusions of grandeur. He said this stuff just doesn't exist. Sean said the Indian government found Yeti footprints. He said it's like the Polar Bear version of Sasquatch. Robin said that is true because it made the mainstream media. Robin said there were reports that they saw that they thought were from a Yeti. Robin said you have to believe that a Yeti exists.
Howard had Shuli come in to talk about this since he knows Sean. He said that everyone has a cell phone camera and someone would have gotten a picture of this dog man. Shuli said Sean sent him a picture last week of some bones outside his yard. Sean said he found it in some skat. He said that it had bones in it. Howard said it looks like an animal died there or another animal ate it. Sean said it was in feces. He said if something was eating it then it has to be eating other animals. Howard said it looks like a bird or something. He said it's small bones. He said it doesn't prove dog men. Sean said he's seen orange eyes in the woods. Shuli said he calls him a few days a week and tells him to get out of New York because of something going on. He said he always has something going on.
Howard asked what he thinks his diagnosis is. Shuli said he's a very intelligent guy but it's all going in the wrong direction. Howard said it's going to sources that are all whacked out.
Howard said lets assume all of this exists. He asked why he'd spend all of this time on it. He said he has to make a living and he will just go ahead and live his life. He asked Sean why he's involved. Sean said there are people who go missing constantly. Howard asked why he has to solve the problem. Sean said he's telling people to stay away from the woods. Howard said he's never near them. He said if Sean took all of these hours and put them into his work he'd have a better life. He said dog men aren't affecting his life. Sean said they're in his yard.
Robin asked if he's feeding them. Sean said they used to have chickens. He said last summer they all mysteriously disappeared. He said something got in there and killed them. Howard said it was probably a cat.
Howard said he is going to agree with him there are dog men living in his back yard. Howard said let them live there. He said they haven't bothered him. He said he's still calling in and screaming about them. He said let them do their thing and he can concentrate on work and more mainstream news. Sean said that way he can be more pacified in the bubble. Howard said he's not Neo in the Matrix. Shuli said he thinks he's conforming. Howard said this is exciting for him because he thinks he's a hit when he talks about this stuff. He said that he's going to get shunned if people hear him talking about this. He said he's more dangerous than dog men.
Sean asked why they recall food with E.Coli in it. Howard said they're protecting people. Robin said it keeps most of it out of circulation. He said you can't uncover everything before it happens. Howard said if dog men exited someone would have brought them on the show.
Howard asked when they learned about Sean. Shuli told Howard he was on the show once and he got drunk before coming on and they found out that he didn't stutter when he drinks. Sean said he grew up nervous.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who claims to be a dog man. Sean said not this bullshit again. Howard said this is a real call. He took it and the Dog Man said that he's part man and part dog. He said he can stop hiding now. He said it's great that he's out of the closet. Howard asked if Sean believes this guy. Sean asked if he can send a DNA sample. Dog Man said he'll take a shit in his yard and he can check that. He said he takes a shit in Sean's yard. He said sometimes he picks it up since he's half man.
Howard said Dog Man is barking now. Dog Man said that he can do both things at once. He said he can talk and bark. Howard said he should bark and not talk. Dog Man did that too. Howard said he doesn't think he can do both at the same time. Sean said that dog men don't bark. Howard asked how he knows that. Sean said they growl. He said everyone knows that.
Howard said Sean doesn't know anything more than anyone. Sean said he hears them in the woods. He said they're all over the state of Massachusetts. Shuli asked what he's going to do if he ever encounters one. Sean said it depends on how they react to him. He said if they run he can't chase them. Howard asked if he would call the police or the dog catcher. He said he's not sure if he's full of shtick or what. He said he's delusional for sure.
Howard asked if he's going to see anyone professionally. Sean said that's between him and himself. Howard asked if he has ever been hospitalized. Sean said for injuries. Howard asked what his wife thinks of all of this bullshit. Sean said she believes a lot of it. He said she's into the prepping idea. Shuli said he has two kids as well. He said his wife is completely normal compared to him. He said that she must just be going along with it.
Howard asked if he has ammo and how much does he think he needs. Sean said he needs thousands of rounds. He said he has different types for different guns. He said he has to be prepared. Howard said if there's a terrible disaster he has to be prepared. Shuli said he has a stockpile of food. Howard asked how much he has. Sean said he has about 1 months worth. He said he has it for hunting and defense.
Howard asked why it's so important for him to survive. Sean said it's to get his kids through it. He said it's not so much for him. Howard asked how many guns he has. Sean said several. Robin asked if the kid know how to shoot. Sean said they do. He said they go to the shooting range. He said all kids should learn to shoot so they know the safety.
Howard asked if he has pistols and rifles. Sean said he's not going to talk about that. Shuli said he thinks the government is always listening so he won't talk about that. Howard asked how many rounds of 9mm he has. Sean said a couple thousand. Shuli said what a waste of money. Howard said he's trying to figure out how much money he has spent on this stuff. He said it's making him nuts.
Howard said he's talking about spending thousands on ammo alone. Sean said he took the wrong approach to the whole thing. He said in 2012 he started buying stuff and didn't discuss it with his wife. He said she went into the basement one day and found the food and equipment. He said she lost her shit on him. Howard said way to have a communicative marriage.
Howard said when there is an apocalypse he knows where to go now. He said he'll just go to Sean's house, shoot him and take his food. Howard asked if he has a bunker. Sean said he sort of does. He said if it's nuclear then it's goodbye. Howard asked what disaster he envisions. Sean said solar flares and Ebola outbreaks. Howard said if there's a solar flare where is he going to go? Sean said he's going to go into his basement. He said with a solar flare the entire electrical grid gets fried. He said nothing will work. Howard asked if he has a go bag. Sean said he does. He said he has a life straw for water.
Howard said he has about 10 friends who are into this kind of thing. He said they have guns and all of this to go out there when something like this happens. He said he can tell how disappointed he is that this hasn't happened yet.
Robin asked what he thinks when he warns Shuli about all of this and nothing happens. Shuli said he's also on the flat earth thing right now too. Howard asked if he's really into that. Sean said he works with a guy who is fully on board with it. He said some of the things make a little bit of sense to him.
Howard asked what kind of work he odes. Sean said it's auto repair. Howard said this guy is a flat earther so what was it he told him that made him look into it. Sean said if you look up and see the sun during the day and the moon shows up at the same time. He asked how that happens. Howard said he's convinced him. Howard asked if he has seen pictures of the earth from the moon. Shuli said he thinks that NASA is all a scam. Howard said they have satellites in the sky. Sean said they're in the sky but the moon landing was a PR stunt from the beginning. Howard asked who convinced him of that. Sean said it was all done to convince the Russians. Howard asked if everyone was a liar back then. He asked what the evidence was. Sean said it's a lot of little things. He said that's why he reads so much. Howard said if he reads the NY Times from front to back every day he'll be a genius. Robin said he won't. She said he won't believe anything in that paper. She said it makes too much sense. Shuli said she's right about that.
Sean said he has a 141 IQ. Howard said he doesn't believe that but if he does then there's a fine line between genius and insanity. He said he's like Bobby Fisher.
Shuli said Sean thinks that all of those viral things on social media like the dress that is different colors are sent out by the government. Sean said they want to see who sees what colors and what they hear. Howard asked why they would care. Shuli said he thinks that they are doing secret things to find out what people hear and see.
Howard said lets say all of this is true. He said he's going to say he agrees with everything he says. He said he's sold on all of it. He asked why he's busy with all of this stuff. He said he still works and devotes his time to his wife and kids. He said Sean sounds like a crazy person. Howard said the government can't fix potholes. He said he has a situation near where he lives that they can't fix. He said they can't figure out how to control dog men. He said they can't fix the road. Sean said that's local government vs. big government. Howard said they can't fix a pothole. Sean said that's not the same thing.
Howard said Sean reminds him of religious people. He said that he's a boring guy and Sean has to be into this stuff to be interesting. Howard said some people aren't satisfied with the simple stuff. He said Sean should spend his days practicing guitar and making a song. He said instead he's preparing for a solar flare and pulling bones out of his back yard. Robin said imagine he's out there going through feces in the back yard. She said his wife must be a saint.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he lives in Massachusetts and he wants to make sure his kids stay away from the dog men. Sean said he lives in Western Mass. The caller said those are inbred kids running around out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to get this guy off the phone. He said his stutter is hard to listen to and he's a complete moron. He said he has no idea what he's talking about and he doesn't have a 141 IQ. Sean said this guy is a coward.
Howard said they have a dog man in the studio now. He had Fred playing a clip of someone just making a weird noise.
Howard asked if dogs have vocal chords. Sean said of course they do. Howard asked why they can't talk. Sean said they haven't developed that. Howard asked why we're so worried about dog men if they're stupid. Sean said he can't explain it. Howard asked if they hump your leg like a dog. Sean said they're more sinister than a man. Howard said they have a brain of a dog so how sinister could they be. Sean said they don't have souls so they aren't mean to be. Howard asked why we can't spot them if they have no soul. Robin asked if regular dogs have a soul. Sean said of course they do.
Howard said he has to move on with this show. Shuli said Sean has some thoughts on Bobo. Sean said he thinks Bobo is a shape shifter. Howard asked how he thinks that is true. Sean said he is constantly trying to be whatever he thinks you want him to be instead of being an actual person. Howard said he'd sound more intelligent if he just said he wants to be something he's not. He said he loses all credibility when he says something like that. Sean said that's the actual term for it. Howard said a shape shifter is someone who can shift his appearance. He said if he says that after saying he's a flat earther he's thinking he sounds like a fucking maniac. Sean said he doesn't know.
Sean said that if he ever needs help building a bunker just let him know. Howard said he might have one already. Howard said Shuli has to do an Embedded with Sean to see this bunker.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that he doesn't believe in any of this stuff. Sean said he did believe in the 2012 stuff. Howard said it's kind of complimentary thinking he's a shape shifter. Bobo told him to stop the nonsense. Howard said if he just put this energy into a hobby or a job he'd be amazing. He said he feels bad for him. Shuli said he wouldn't be on the show then. Howard said he feels bad for him.
Howard asked Shuli what his craziest thing is. Shuli said he has a picture of Bobo going to pick up a copy of Howard's book. He said he has to see him because he goes out looking like he works for the show. Howard took a look at it and he had a Sirius shirt and cap on. Robin said he is an amazing man. She said he has a wardrobe for anything he wants to do. Shuli said he made that shirt. He said every logo on that shirt he made himself. He said it says Sirius and it has Howard Stern and Bobo on it. He said Bobo is bigger than Howard's name. He said they don't sell that shirt. He said he made it.
Howard asked what his message is today. Sean said that he just wants people to be aware around the woods. Robin said they have always said that around the woods. Sean said thousands of people go missing in the woods.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got his book yesterday. He said he is a long time fan who goes way back. He asked what chapter High Register Sean is in. Howard said he couldn't spend another year writing the book. Howard said go back and check it out and he'll find something. Howard said he tried to pick people who you'd learn something from.
Howard said he has to go. Sean said people need to ask him questions he's on Twitter @NotHighRegister. He said he's also on Cameo. Howard said he's going to make a fortune on there. Shuli said his messages are going to be great. He said people ask him to sent safety messages and stuff. Howard asked if he's going to have the government looking into him. Sean said that's the fine line he has to walk. Howard said he might become a big media figure. He said he'd figure he'd stay off the grid. Sean said he wants to get himself completely off the grid. Howard said that's bullshit. He said he went right on Cameo when he smelled the money.
Howard said he was talking to Chris Wilding who followed him on Twitter but he stopped when he found him to be boring. Howard asked Chris what it was about him that was boring. Chris came in and said he didn't unfollow him but he did mute him. He said that he gets into this stuff and it's complete, boring, nonsense. He said it just goes on and on and on. He said it's not interesting. Sean said his brain may not be complex enough to understand.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Shuli is amazing. She said that he takes calls from the whole Wack Pack. Shuli said he has so much information in his head about all of them. Howard said Shuli whittles it all down to something they think is funny. He said he should go up to visit Sean as soon as possible. Sean said he can discuss that. He said he can do something soon. He said no film though. Shuli said he's not looking to put his kids on film but the bunker and all of that he wants to see. Sean said that's fine. Shuli asked if his wife will talk to him. Sean said he'll have to get her some jewelry or something. Howard told him to buy her a food bucket. Howard let Sean go when his phone was cutting out.
Howard said that Ainsley talked about how she gets signs from God. He said that she and her friends hang out and talk about all of this and they see signs. Howard played another clip of Ainsley talking about how she was doubting god and she asked for a sign from him. She said she asked for a bird to fly by her window to make sure he heard her. She said she didn't see one and she wondered who she is to test god. She said she went to the back of her house and then she heard a whoosh. She said she went to the back of her house and there were between 500 and 1000 birds in her back yard. Howard said wow. Robin said she had the same sign. Howard said he doesn't want to goof on someone's beliefs... Robin said yes he does. Howard said there were probably 40 or 20 birds in her yard. Howard said there weren't 500. He said that she thinks God is sending her a message and never mind the kids with cancer and everyone else around the world having problems.
Howard asked what this thing is that she's on. JD said it's FOX Nation. He said it's a streaming thing. Robin said that's where all the crackpots go.
Howard said here's a story from another woman on the show. JD interrupted and said that's one of Ainsley's stories too. Howard said that this story is even more out there.
Howard said it's fine to believe in god but stop thinking that everything is a sign. He said this is everyday stuff. He said that you can see the creator in the creation but when you ask for a sign and you think that he sent 500 birds to your yard, that's too much.
Howard played another clip of Ainsley talking about another sign she got. She was talking about singing a song she heard and the lyrics are ''I will rescue you...'' She said she was going to bed and she didn't want to fight back. She said god was going to win some battle. She said she asked God to rescue her... Howard said you know she's great in bed when you hear this wackiness. Shuli agreed.
Howard played more of the clip and she was talking about her dreams and seeing horses in her dreams and all of them were covered in angels. She said they came to rescue her. She said the next weekend she went to visit a friend and she went to church that Sunday. She said that a girl came out and sang the ''Rescue'' song that she mentioned earlier. She said there was a horse running at her and the hair was blowing just like in her dream. She said she wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry. The other women said that was her confirmation. They all talked about how good god is. Fred played a ''Mr. Ed'' clip.
Howard asked where this show is. JD said there's only one episode of it. He said it's called Ainsley's Bible Study. Howard said they probably got rid of it because it's so whacked out.
Shuli said that Richard goes to bed listening to the same shit over and over again. Howard said this girl claims she prayed to god and the same thing happened to her. He took a call from the back office and the woman was saying the birds won't leave her alone and they're pecking at her eyes now. Howard asked if she's alright. She was being attacked by the birds.
Howard said they act like God is a genie and he brings them birds. He said that's nothing special. He said that's kind of a sad thing. He said it's kind of like Sean. He said he's sitting at home bored with his life after getting shit about his stutter. He said he latches onto this conspiracy stuff and he think he saw a dog man. Robins said these people accept him. Howard said it's like joining the White Power guys. He said they'll accept you too.
Howard said he has some advice for women. He said keep this kind of stuff to yourself. He said men will think you're nuts if you say you got a sign. He said Ainsley is taking about getting a sign just like Sean thinks he got a sign when he found the shit with bones in it. Robin said she sounds like a really fragile person who needs a friend. Shuli said she needs a friend more than Sean does. Howard said just go date a guy and have some fun. He said rock that nice body she has. Howard said Jesus won't fuck you over though so that's why she's into him.
Howard did his impression of Ainsley talking about the birds in the back yard thing. He had her talking about going in the back yard and finding dog bones in the shape of a cross. Howard said Roger Ailes loved these broads. He said that guy knew how to pick 'em. Howard said he used to watch Ainsley and thought she was hot but he couldn't put up with this stuff. He said she's walking around looking for signs. He said she has to go to church.
Howard asked why people are always testing God's existence. He said just believe and go with it. Robin said she was watching a show last night and this guy was talking about how god started talking to him in the shower. Robin asked why God is in his shower. Howard said because he's hot.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can picture Ainsley picturing a bunch of Fabios with the flowing hair riding on the horses. Howard said her husband left her but Jesus stays with her. He said he's the perfect guy for women whose husbands leave them. Howard said no matter how annoying they are Jesus will stay with them.
The caller said that these people aren't spiritual. He said people who are don't question god. He said they don't really believe so they're questioning it all the time. Howard told the guy to calm down. He said he's getting a lecture from this guy.
Robin said she hates to say this but Ainsley is 49 and you start to lose your super power at that age. She said everything was fine when she got husband number 1 and 2. She said once number 2 walked out all hell broke loose.
The caller said they have all heard the interviews but it's great to be able to read them. Howard heard birds on the guy's phone so he asked if he's getting a sign. The guy said he had to walk outside of work. He asked Howard about something he wrote about in the book. Howard said he thinks he's done enough of the book talk. He said that he did put a compilation of stuff together and he wanted people to read about the interviews and he hopes they enjoy it. The caller said he did. He said he liked the buildup to all of the interviews. Howard thanked the guy for the call and let him go.
Shuli asked if anyone has reached out about the book that has blown him away. Howard said one guy was forwarded by Walt Sabo. He said that this guy in Canada owns a shit load of radio stations up there bought like 150 copies of the book to give out to people who are on air. He said that blew him away. He said that he got an email from one of the Kennedys last night. He said he's not sure he wants to be publicized. Robin said he is a public figure. Howard said he doesn't think he did it to be mentioned. He said it was Ted Kennedy from Heaven. Howard said Jimmy Fallon got on the air and said he cried when he read what he wrote about him. He said he'll be on his show tonight.
Howard said he feels like the word is out on the book now. He said his mother called last night to talk about all of the book promotion. He said that he was really wiped out from the show. He said that choir was great but it really took a lot out of him. The guys talked about how great they were. Howard said he loved doing the Jefferson's theme.
Howard said his mother called and said she has never seen so much promotion for a book. He said they don't record anything and they don't use a computer. He said his dad would love a computer for porn.
Howard said his mother called saying she has never seen so much. Howard said he told her he's going to be on Fallon and she said they don't stay up that late. He said that he told her to ask this helper woman to record it for them. He said they won't ask her to do anything.
Howard said his parents used to love to go out to dinner. He said they won't leave their apartment. He said he tells them to order in but they won't do that. He said they think the food is terrible. Howard said he's paying for it so they can get whatever they want. He said his mother says they don't want that. Shuli said they have to complain. Howard said they sit there all day and they could ask this helper to do stuff for them. He said they have a DVR and they could record this stuff he's on. He said she'll tell him they'll look into it.
Howard said he doesn't even want them watching the Tonight Show. He said he's not sure why he tells them he's on. He said that Beth will tell him to tell them that he's on Good Morning America. He said they'll sit through the whole show to see him. Howard said his mother tells him that there's a lot of excitement over him out there. He said that's just because she's his mother and that's what she thinks she's seeing. He did his impression of his mother while he was talking about all of that.
Howard said his mother told him that she looked at him when he was working at the advertising agency and asked what he was doing. She told him that he didn't need that job and he told her she was right. She said that if she hadn't said that to him he probably wouldn't be on radio.
Howard said his mother liked George Stephanopoulos but she just calls him ''the guy.'' Howard said he loves his parents. He said she's very excited about this. He said she's excited about him being on The View on Thursday too. He said she'll be able to watch that.
Howard said he gets upset when he watches all of these shows he's on. He said he's so happy just coming in there and doing 3 shows a week. He said that's enough for him. He said he was laying in bed last night and he was up at 3:30 thinking about going on Jimmy's show. He said he just wants to talk to Jimmy. He said he doesn't want to play games.
Howard played a clip of Jimmy Fallon talking about reading what Howard wrote about him in his book. Jimmy said he got emotional thinking about it. He said he looked down and his pen had exploded as he had exploded. He said he had ink blotches all over him.
Howard said he's going on Fallon tonight. He said it's a lot of pressure on him though. He said it really is. Robin said people just want to see something different about him. Howard said he's been up since 3:30 this morning. He said they'll see something different. He said he was asking for a sign.
Howard said he has to be at Fallon for 4:30. He said he's figuring out the time and he's not going to be on it for 12 hours. He said he's going to be exhausted. Howard said he can't even get a nap in this afternoon. He said he has to see his shrink today. He said he can't cancel because it turns into a whole thing. He said he's not sure what condition he's going to be in by then. He said there's construction in his apartment building too. He said he has to try to get some sleep there. He said someone in the writing room wakes him up every day. He said someone is making noise back there. JD said he doesn't do anything in there. Howard said JD must hear it too. JD said he hears some stuff banging up against the wall. Howard said it wakes him up every day.
Howard said JD has a new job. He said he's now Captain JD. He said today he has to keep an eye out for whoever is making that noise. He said he has to police that area to make sure no one wakes him up. He said if he hears noise he's holding JD responsible. Howard said he should make him a hall monitor. He said he's like Ronnie out there.
Howard took a call from George Takei audio clips that were edited to say that he loves his book. They had George talking about how he has a beautiful body and a beautiful book. Howard said that must have taken hours to edit.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn and asked her why she didn't get tickets to the Tonight Show. Mariann said she doesn't know. Howard said she was on the show yesterday and she got some nice feedback but also some negative stuff.
Howard read some email about Mariann being good on the show but then he had some negative stuff about her being in the studio live. Howard said someone said they wished they were dead after hearing her. Howard had other people complaining about her yelling on the show. Howard said every fan agreed that she was good telling Benjy off. Mariann said that's why she called in today.
Mariann said she was thinking about Benjy and his disrespect. She said it's beyond comprehension. Mariann said she's in the book and she's so excited about that. She said she read some of the book and today a fan tested her about her being in it. She said she represents the female fans. Howard hung up on her and read more email.
Howard had some email about Benjy and how he should fire him. Howard had a bunch of email about Benjy that he went through.
Shuli asked if that whole thing was fucking with him yesterday. Howard said he wasn't thinking about it because he's caught up in this whirlwind of stuff. He said it's crazy stuff. He said he gets so neurotic about it all. He said he's trying to please everyone with the interviews. He said he's doing it to get the word out. Chris said he listened to him on NPR and it was good. Howard said he tired listening but there's a lot of him out there.
Howard said he'll go away now for another 20 years. He said he's just going to do the show with Robin. Robin said this is why people are excited to see him. Howard said he's like Rip Van winkle. He said he's going to go into hibernation. Howard said he has to do a bunch of breaks. He said he hasn't done one yet and it's 8:40. He said they got caught up with Sean and Ainsley.
Howard said he's assuming Ainsley is sober. He said that he took acid in college and he took 4 hits at once so he was seeing really wild stuff in the mirror. He said he knows he was happier before that trip. He said if it was legal it would have come with directions. Robin said people are overdosing on pot because it doesn't have directions. Shuli said he's not sure about that. Howard said he thought he was going blind when he was on acid. He said this Ainsley is seeing some guys on horses rescuing her. He said then there were horses behind the woman singing. He said he wants to go on that show in a breast plate like she described. Howard said he will go on and ride in on a horse. Howard said they must have canceled her show by now. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he can play a game with someone. Robin said that's always fun. Howard said he has a fairly interesting game to play. Howard took a call from a guy named Nick who asked if he would ever do a Netflix documentary about the show. Howard said no. He said they have an app now where they can broadcast anything they want to. He said he could do it for SiriusXM. He said that's where his loyalty is. Howard said Oprah does stuff like that. He said she goes out and makes deals with Apple while she has her own network. Robin said she may think there are people she's not reaching with her own product.
Howard said Sirius gave her $50 million to do a show there and she was never there. She does like 1 or 2 things for them and then moves on. Robin said she doesn't think she had plans to do anything there even in the beginning.
Howard said if he does a behind the scenes thing he's going to do it for the app. He said if you dug yesterday's show you can see the choir on the app. He said the whole room was shaking and you might be able to see that on the app. He said he thought the whole building was going to collapse. Robin said one of the guys thought the wall was going to collapse. Howard played some audio of the choir singing yesterday.
Howard asked Nick if he wants to play a game. Nick said sure. Howard said he has $500 courtesy of Ziprecruiter. He said it's a High Pitch Erik game. Howard said they play jingles for Erik and see if he knows the rest of the jingle.
Howard said they have to guess if Erik knows these classic commercial jingles. Howard said they played an Alka Seltzer jingle for Erik. He played the clip of the jingle and said they asked Erik what the last lyric was and he just had to say ''It is.'' Howard asked Nick if he thinks he can do that. Nick said he does not. Howard played the clip and Erik said ''Rolaids.'' That was a test question so Nick didn't get credit for that one.
Howard said he now has to get 3 out of 5. Howard said they played the Chili's baby back ribs commercial next. Howard asked Nick what he thinks. Nick said he thinks Erik will get that one. Howard played Erik's answer which was correct with ''Baby back ribs.'' Howard said Nick is on the board with one right.
Howard said next up was the jingle for the Band-Aid jingle. Howard played that for Nick. Howard asked Nick if he thinks Erik can get the last word of ''Me.'' Nick said no he won't. Howard played Erik's answer which was ''You.'' Nick got another one right.
Howard said they played the Dr. Pepper jingle. Howard said all Erik has to sing is ''Pepper too'' and he gets it. Nick said he thinks that he won't get that one. Howard played Erik's answer which was ''Dr. Pepper.'' Nick got that one right too so he won the $500.
Howard put Nick on hold for the prize. He took a call from High Pitch Erik who said he didn't know that jingle. He said he used to drink Dr. Pepper but not anymore. Howard said they played him the Klondike Bar jingle. Howard asked Robin if she thinks he can get that one. Robin said yes. Howard played Erik's answer and he was right.
Howard said they asked Erik to sing the Oscar Meyer Weiner jingle. Howard said he thinks he'll get that one. Erik got it wrong with ''hot dog'' instead of wiener.
Erik said Howard looks great on TV so he has to stop saying he looks bad. Howard asked if he ever beats off to him. Erik said never. Howard said that's kind of an insult. Erik said never put yourself down.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult called in about that too. He said she was kind of upset with him over that. Howard played a clip of Wendy talking to someone about Howard's looks. Wendy said that he has to get over that. Howard said she's right. He said he has to get over it. Robin said she's been saying that for years.
Howard said he has to go but he has to have a conversation with Erik about threatening people again. He said he threatened his lawyer's kid. Erik said he didn't do that. Gary said Shuli has the email. Shuli came in and read the email to Howard where Erik made these threats. Howard asked what Erik is doing. Erik said he keeps emailing him and asking him to go to the Yankee game and he doesn't want to. Howard said just say no. Erik said it's constant email. Howard said you can't do that.
Howard said Erik is being asked to go to a baseball game and he's threatening the guy's kid. He said he has to be careful doing that. He said that's not something you threaten a kid over. Erik said he's right. He said he's overreacting to that. He said not everyone knows that he does this to everyone. He said he's limited in some way but he still has to be careful. Erik said he understands what he said. Erik said he shouldn't do that. Robin asked how he can say such things about a child.
Erik said he's just getting back at his ex-lawyer. Robin said the child had nothing to do with this. Erik said maybe it'll stop him from emailing him. Howard said he loves when Robin argues with Erik.
Erik said he's proud of Howard for not crying over Robin. Howard said he should be crying over her. He said he's holing back his emotions. Erik said he's proud of him for being able to hold them back. Robin said a lot of men are unable to show emotion. Erik said that his therapist told him that.
Erik said a lot of people are asking him to threaten them in his Cameos now. Howard said it's fine if someone requests that in there but in real life you can't do that. Shuli said it's okay to do that if he's asked to do that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked why he'd defending this guy who has nothing positive about him. He said he's awful and he should be gone. Howard said he doesn't see him that way. He said Erik is a limited kind of guy. Fred said he tested as an imbecile. Erik said he was tested as dull. Fred said no, Bobo is dull and Erik is an imbecile. He said Bobo tested higher. Howard said Ralph is lucky he has regular intelligence. He said Erik doesn't understand. Ralph said he does and he's using that. Howard said he really doesn't know. Ralph said he should just go away. He said he's giving him this platform. He said he rips people off and comes up with schemes. He said he's up to shit. He said he rips people off. Howard said that's true. Shuli said he once hired a caterer to cater an event and he got cash from his sister and he pocketed that and then wrote a check from a closed account to pay for it. Howard asked how Erik answers that. Erik said that was the past. Ralph said he's still doing this shit. He said he's getting a band for his stomach and wasting people's money. He said he's just a blight.
Gary said Erik does get caught doing things and then he's too stupid to understand. He said Ralph has a point. Howard asked if Erik is conning him because he has a soft spot for him. Erik said he is not. Erik said Ralph is wrong. Robin asked about what. Howard said he just said he's wrong. Erik said he thinks he's more smart than Ralph. Ralph said you can tell by that sentence. Howard said he has to take another break. Ralph said he really detests Erik. He said he hates that he has a soft spot for him.
Howard asked if Ralph is going to show up at the Tonight Show with that cold. Ralph said he doesn't have a cold. He said he has allergies or something. He said he's not sick. He said the doctor gave him allergy medication. Howard said Ralph is like the guy in the movie Philadelphia who thought he had a cold. Ralph let out a big ''Awww'' when he heard that.
Howard said Ralph has been sick like this for a month. Ralph said he's not sick. Robin said she thinks it's allergies. Ralph said if he was sick Howard would have been sick by now. Howard said he was in bed early yesterday. He said he's worried about getting sick. He said he really has to go. He asked Erik not to threaten people anymore. Ralph told him not to have him on the show anymore. Howard said he has a soft spot for him. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that is a good song. He made some noises over the song and asked who that was. Fred said that's Hozier. Howard asked where he is now. He said he had that one hit and he's gone. He said he could probably make a living off of that one song. Howard asked Robin where he is. Robin said that's it. She said his other songs are never going to be as great as that. Howard got a note saying that he has a new song out called ''Movement.'' Howard said he'll check that out. He said he used to be a judge on America's Got Talent. He said he'll take a listen. Fred played the song and Howard said it's really not that great. Robin said she told him. Howard said he's waiting to get to the hook before he judges. He got to that point and said he's not feeling it. Robin said she told him. Howard told Fred he can turn it off.
Howard said someone said that Jackie And Wilson is a good song. Howard asked who's feeding him that. Will Murray came in and said he is. He said he loves music. Howard said he never thought Will listened to music. Howard listened to that song and told Will to get out. He said that was an okay song.
They played some clips of Robin singing. Howard said there you go. He said he loves this.
Howard said she's like an angel. He said he pictures her on a horse with a breast plate.
Howard said he just read that Tim Conway died. He said he liked Tim. He said he loved that sketch they did on the carol Burnett show where he was a dentist. He said Harvey Corman was on the chair and Tim kept injecting himself with Novocaine. He said it was brilliant.
Robin said he got discovered on local TV and was on some late night movie show. He would do funny bits in the movie and he got discovered there. Robins said he was seen by rose Marie from the Dick Van Dyke show and she got him an audition for the Steve Allen show. He became a regular on that show and that's how everyone found out about him. Howard said you have to do your best every day because you never know who is listening. He said he did a shitty show in Hartford and Stephen Spielberg was listening that day.
Robin said Rose Marie managed Tim for a while. Howard said he didn't know that. He said they had Tim on in the 80s one time. He said he got to talk to him for a bit. He said they couldn't figure out how to make him a lead guy in shows though. He said it was never a hit when they did that.
Howard said some guys are supporting actors. He said there's nothing wrong with that. Robin said you can create a whole show around that. She said they kept trying to make him the lead guy. Howard said rest in peace Tim Conway.
Howard said he wanted to call his first book ''Penis'' and the book company said no fucking way. He said anything goes these days. He said that he lost interest in reading in the 2nd grade because they didn't have ''fuck'' in the title.
Howard asked if Robin has heard about VIP bedrooms in theaters. He said it started in Switzerland. He said you can sit and watch a movie in bed. He said Chris Wilding was telling him they have that there in the city. He said they hand out blankets and they're kind of crusty. He said it's weird. He said people screw everything up. He said it would be nice to do that but then people jerk off and ruin it. Chris came in and said he did that. He said they give you this pod and a blanket. Howard asked where these things are. Chris said they're in Jersey and in the financial district. He said he's not going to say which one he went to. He said the one he went to had a pod with walls and he was there with a date. He said it's a pod for 2.
Howard asked why not just go to a hotel room. Chris said it's exciting this way. He said he saw ''Widows'' and it was pretty good. He said it had Liam Neeson in it. He said they bring you food and stuff when you press a button. Chris said he was in the pod and he started jerking him off. He said they were having a lot of fun and he felt he was about to climax. He said a blue light lit up and a guy came over and asked if he could get them anything. He said he leaves and the guy he's with says that the blue light went off because they must have infrared cameras. He said the last time he was there the guy had the same thing happen. Howard said maybe they set off that blue dot.
Chris said it's fun. Howard said he's thinking about that and doesn't want someone jerking off in there. Chris said the guy didn't cum. Howard said he was jerking him off though. He said he wouldn't put a blanket over himself. He said he'd never use that. He said the horse carriage guys do that too. He said he'd never do that.
Chris said there were no people around. He said you have privacy in the pods. He said no one is closer than 5 feet away. Howard asked why he didn't finish him off. Chris said the attendant came over. He said he blew him on the way home. He said he had a lot of fun with that guy. He said he's the guy who had fun behind his back. Howard said it sounds like he was putting out. Chris said definitely. Howard said Richard goes to those theaters too. He said he almost falls asleep in those things. He said he'd never want to be in there after Richard since he doesn't wash for weeks. Chris said he'd rather be in a jizz pod than going in one after Richard. Howard said he doesn't know about that.
Howard said people ruin everything. He said the tickets are $32 each for those things He said he'd rather watch at home.
Howard said last night he got John Wick 3. He said they send it to you on the Pic system. He said Ralph wants to yell at Chris first. He took his call and asked what he as to say. Ralph said he has heard Chris gets jerked off in regular theaters too. He said don't make a mess in the seats he has to sit in. Howard said sit at home instead. Chris said he does that too. Ralph said he goes and brings his own blanket. Howard said that's what he would do.
Chris said he was in the screening for Blank Panther and he was kind of touching this guy. He said it was in Times Square with a predominantly African American crowd. He said if they had gotten caught it probably wouldn't have gone well. He said that they didn't seem very accepting. He said that was exciting though. He said he didn't like the movie. Howard said he liked it a lot. Ralph said it wasn't good. Robin said she liked it too.
Howard jokingly said he went to see Pikachu and 69'd with someone. Howard asked if Ralph has ever done anything like that in a theater. Ralph said no way. He said you do that when you're 15. He said Chris is an adult. Chris said he's like an adult. Ralph said everywhere Chris goes he gets jerked off. Howard said Ralph loves to get jerked off.
Howard asked if Ralph is sick. Chris said he started coughing and he almost passed out when he was out with him last week. He said he got a nasty text from him last week after he mentioned that. He said Ralph said he's like Jason. Howard said he's been sick for like 3 months. He said how about just blowing each other. Robin said they have tiffs and then they make up.
Howard said Ralph said he wasn't going to be his friend anymore after that. Ralph said he gets it. He said he makes a choice and he wants air time so he runs in and tells his stories. He said he doesn't run around with people like that. Chris said this is nonsense. He said it's a weird reaction to have. Ralph said he's done with him. He said he thought he was a friend but he's obviously not. Chris said he didn't say anything that bad. Ralph said he's sensitive just like Howard is. Howard said Chris knows the line. Ralph said it's creepy.
Howard said Ralph thinks he's the center of the universe. Chris said that Ralph called in telling them that he had guys cumming on his floor. He said he didn't say anything about that. Ralph said that's different. Chris said Ralph is like a chick. He said he takes that back. He said that's an insult to chicks. He said he's just sensitive.
Ralph said Chris blew Andy Cohen out of the water and the guy he hooked him up with too. Chris said that guy was a kook.
Howard said it sounds like the friendship is over. Chris said he hasn't spoken to Ralph since last week. He said he likes him though. Ralph said he likes Chris but he's going to end this because he doesn't want to go there with him. He said he doesn't want to attack him. He said he won't hang out with him anymore. Chris said Ralph doesn't like leaving his house. Ralph said he doesn't know with Chris what he can do. Chris said he just doesn't like being put on the spot. Ralph asked who does.
Chris said what he did to Ralph is nothing. He said he's not trying to wound or hurt him. Ralph said he's not hurt but he doesn't need this shit. He said he doesn't need to hang out with someone who he has to think about going and telling people about him.
Howard said Ralph has a lot of action figures to play with so he doesn't need friends. Ralph said he doesn't need friends who betray him. Howard said he's just hearing this cold he has. Robin said if he had a cold this long he'd be in the hospital.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ralph calls in and tells Howard about people and Chris did nothing. Ralph said Chris said some things about where they were going and it was annoying to him. He said he was playing into this bullshit. He said it's stupid shit but he thought he was a good friend. He said friends don't go on the Howard Stern show and do that.
Howard said he heard it was the shitty restaurant comment that upset him. Ralph said he didn't think he said that. He said that was a fine restaurant and Chris was being a little cunt.
Howard took a call from a woman who said they're worse than high school girls. Howard said the friendship is over. Robin said that's kind of sad. Howard asked if Chris should stop texting. Ralph said he can but he's not going to hang out with him. Howard asked if he would go to a movie with him. Ralph said it depends. Chris said they'll probably hang out as much as before. He said Ralph would bail out on their plans anyway. Howard asked if he does that. Chris said he does. Ralph said he does not. Ralph said this is what Chris does. He said he acts like an asshole. He said he plays into this stuff Howard likes and he goes with that. Chris said Ralph is a bizarre person. He said his behavior is bizarre. Ralph hung up. Chris said he can dish it out but he can't take it. Howard said he could have listened to that for an hour. He said that was good.
Chris said he thought Ralph was joking when he got upset. He said there will be nothing to talk about now. Howard said he just set some barriers. Chris said he has had some deep conversations with Ralph. He said he likes the guy and he thinks he's a good guy. Howard said they just saw a breakup. Robin said she knows and she thought they were tight. Robin said this just happened a week ago. She said she thought it would just blow over.
Howard asked what he said Ralph didn't like. Chris said they went out to eat and Ralph made it difficult to find a restaurant. He said it was kind of shitty and he coughed and almost passed out. Howard said he talks about the weird things Ralph does but he thinks Chris is jumping on the bandwagon. Chris said he thought it would be good for the segment. He said he didn't ''ruin'' Andy Cohen either. He said he went on a date and talked about what happened. Howard said he thought that was entertaining. Chris said Ralph is a fucking maniac. He said he's not out to ruin anyone. Howard said it's over.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he wanted to ask Ralph why Robin has to like Black Panther because she's black. Robin said he was just being funny. Howard said he thinks he didn't like the movie because he didn't like it. King said some people's jokes aren't really jokes.
King said sometimes people think that if they do it it's okay but if you do it then it's wrong. Howard hung upon him and asked what he's talking about. He said he just wants to get on air too. Howard said that's a shame that their friendship is over. He said that's the end of a beautiful romance.
Howard said don't text him. Chris said he's not going to. Howard asked Fred what he thinks. Fred said it's like Prince Charles and Lady Di breaking up. Howard said he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's really sad that Ralph and Chris are breaking up. He said they were his favorite couple on the show. Howard said he is too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Chris and the other guy know what they're doing to the gay community by jerking off in a theater. Howard said it's not just them. He said there are a lot of people doing that.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling from Maine. Howard said he loves it up there in Maine. The caller said it's really nice up there in Portland. Howard said he tried to get a job up there. Howard said he bought some paintings from a woman up there. He said he thought he might be inspired going up there. The caller said here are some true artists up there.
The caller said that he loves Ralph and Chris knows what he's doing talking about all of this stuff. He said that he doesn't believe Chris half the time he's talking about that. He said send him back to Canada already. He said don't go to dinner with Chris Wilding.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got the book yesterday and he got through the intros. He said his uncle passed away last night and he was the kind of guy who loved Howard's sense of humor. He said he brought the book up with the family and they're going to read it in their family book club. Howard said it's too bad his uncle died before he got to read it. The caller said he's going to buy the book for everyone in the club if they choose to read it. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he recently started psychotherapy. Howard said he sounds like he needs it. The caller said it's helped him a lot and he wants to thank Howard for opening his eyes to it. Howard said he hopes the book helps people with that. He said it's the best you can do. He said give it a try if you've been thinking about doing it.
Howard took a call from Tan Mom who said she didn't get a chance to read the book but she was driving and someone mentioned that he put something about her in the book. Howard said he did reference her song ''Free To Be Patricia Marie.''
Howard asked if it's true that she's trying to work things out with her husband. Tan Mom said she is. Howard said that's great news. He let her go and moved on to news.
Howard said they got some tremendous feedback about Richard's champagne toast to him yesterday. He said the fans were going wild over some stuff on the show. He said the sound of the fizz was something they brought up. Howard played some examples. Howard read some of the email they got about that segment too. The fans were writing in about how much they enjoyed that. Howard said someone wrote in saying they want to open a line of bars where they have drinking through your asshole. Robin said she's not sure how that would go.
Howard said another guy wrote in about how he drank 3 beers in his asshole and almost died from alcohol poisoning. He said he was in the hospital for 3 days. Howard said they were very careful with Richard yesterday. Robin said Richard would love to get a whole bottle down there. Howard said Richard was telling everyone how he has a great shit after that. He said he left there and relaxed his bowels apparently.
Howard said Richard said he got pretty buzzed too. He said he had at least one glass. Robin said she had to watch JD. She said he was getting overly enthusiastic and pouring when Howard was talking. Howard said he had to lecture him about that.
Robin started her news with a story about people reacting to Howard's publicity tour. Robin said in the NY Post they are speculating that he may write another book. Howard said no to that. Robin said they quoted something Howard said to another interviewer where he said if the book becomes really popular then he might do another book. Howard said he doesn't want to be redundant. He said he probably wouldn't do it. Robin said he did say he had a lot he didn't include in the book. Howard said some people might wonder why they're not in there but the book is over 500 pages. He said at some point you have to cut some stuff out. He said you try to balance it out.
Howard said he can tell you right now he can't see how he would do another book. Robin said that's just what people are saying. Howard said this book took him 2 years to put together. He said he just does most of his funny stuff on the air instead.
Robin said that woman who wrote that counter piece to him wrote another one today. Howard said he knows. He said he's exhausted from her. He said she wins. Robin said she would love it because no one knows her name. Howard said he can't believe he gave them that interview. He said he's very happy about the book and buy it or not. He said it's up to you.
Robin read a story about Game of Thrones having record ratings. Robin said they had 18.4 million viewers this past weekend. Robin said those are great numbers for HBO. Howard said he's glad it's over after this weekend. Robin said it's not all it should be so just end it. Howard said he wants them to wrap it all up. Robin said Howard doesn't know the Housewives any better than the Game of Thrones characters. Howard said he knows everything but he didn't want to bore people. He said he imagines that most people don't watch that show. He said he knows not that many people watch that show. He asked if Robin wants him to name all of the women on that show. Robin said sure. Howard started going through them all. He was telling Robin the names and giving some history on each one. He said if you ask him who is on Game of Thrones that's another story. He doesn't know their names. Howard mentioned more of the Beverly Hills Housewives. He said never challenge him on that. He said that's serious business for him and his wife. He said they're equally insane about that. He said they're embarrassed that they love that show. Robin said they shouldn't be. Howard said they can't stop watching it. He said they talk about quitting it but they just can't do it. Howard said yesterday they were moving so fast he just moved past that discussion. He said it's very serious business for him.
Robin said that the Game of Thrones guys are going to write the next Star Wars movie. Howard said no kidding. He said he thinks one of the writers of Game of Thrones is married to a hot chick. Robin didn't know about that. Howard did a live commercial read after that. He had to ask Fred to play some music for the commercial. He said the Housewives discussion must have put him to sleep. Fred said it does have that effect. After the commercial read they took another break.
After the break, around 10:35am, Howard came right back and got back to news. He asked how he's going to make it to the Tonight Show. He said he's exhausted. He said he needs a nap. He said he doesn't have it in him to do this stuff. He wanted to do it on a Thursday but they don't want him to do that. He said they said no. He said he doesn't want to do that stuff on days he has to work. Robin asked who he was talking to. Howard said he doesn't know. He said he wanted to do it when he's off. He said he has to do Colbert on Tuesday. He said then he has to work on Wednesday. He said everyone is all jacked up about it. He said when he was 30 or 40 it was no problem. He said he's not going to be fresh as a daisy when he gets over there. He said he's not going to write another book because he's not going to do this promotion again. He said he was going to go to the gym today but maybe he shouldn't. Robin said get some rest. Howard said even the shrink said he has to stop being so regimented. He said he doesn't have flexibility. Robin said he has to say he just doesn't give a fuck and just go with it. Howard said he should try meditation. Robin said he's already doing it. Howard said he will do that after the show. He said he'll pull through.
Howard said he had to ask some friends not to come over yesterday. He said they were painting friends. He said he was too tired to have them over. He said he's afraid he's going to get sick if he does too much. Robin said he's doing a lot so he doesn't need his painting friends. Robin asked when this is over. Howard asked what day it is. He said he has more to do. He said his wife wants to go out to eat too. He asked why he's so miserable. He asked why day 2 feels like day 200.
Howard took a call from Ralph who suggested that he get rid of his chairs and get a couch. He said he has to get some rest in there so just do that. Howard said he'd feel like Les Moonves if he did that. He said he might have to redecorate. Howard said his wife decorated it and he hasn't had a meeting in there in 10 years. Ralph said he can have a meeting on the couch like a creep. Howard said he'll put a Murphy bed in there. He said his office is so small anyway. He said they have people packed in there. Ralph said he has to keep the people in the office quiet too. He said he needs his sleep.
Howard said he told JD to make sure no one makes noise or he's fired. Ralph said he's going to go rest too. Howard said JD already yelled at everyone to be quiet. JD said he was joking. He said he has hushed people before out there. Howard asked if he went and lectured them. JD said something in an excited voice and Fred did his impression of him. JD said he has no problem telling them to be quiet back there. Robin said just tell them to be as quiet as they were when the CBS cameras were up there.
Howard said he has to go back there and be like Kim Jong Un. JD said alright. Howard said he heard JD is so not intimidating that they were laughing at him. Jason was one of them. Howard told Jason to help JD out or they'll all be out of a job. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Sleep who told him he's not going to get any. Howard said he doesn't like this premise and hung up. He said he's not sure if he should go to the gym today. Robin said delay it until he has a free day. Howard said that's the wrong way to do it.
Robin read a story about the NY Knicks not getting a player they really wanted. Robin went through that story and explained how they missed out on the guy in the lottery.
Robin read a story about a basketball player who was arrested for playing in the nude. Robin said he claimed he plays better in the nude.
Robin read a story about how being born rich is more of an advantage than being born smart. Robin read the details of that study.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's no wonder that Ralph can't have a relationship with that scorched earth attitude. He also said Howard's attention to detail in the book is amazing. Howard thanked him for that and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a 43 year old man from India who had 116 iron nails in his stomach. Robin said he was schizophrenic and his parents didn't know he was eating them. Howard said he lived through that huh? Robin said he did.
Robin read a story about how women breast feeding can sell their extra milk to body builders. Robin said they're using that now. Robin said some will do anything to get a dietary edge. Howard said that's disgusting. He said those guys make him laugh.
Howard had phony Arnold Schwarzenegger on the phone and he was drinking breast milk. He said he wants Robin to squeeze her big boobies into his mouth from across the room. Howard asked what's going on in that room. Arnold said that he's cumming to Howard's book ''Howard Stern Comes Again.'' He tried saying the name of the book without cumming and he wasn't able to do it.
Robin had Howard play Queen's ''Bohemian Rhapsody'' and then said that the BBC interviewed Brian May the other day and he says the band hasn't seen a dime from the movie of the same name. Howard said it was about Freddie Mercury though so do they have anything to do with it? Robin said she thinks they collaborated. Robin had some audio of Brian talking about how they haven't earned a penny from that movie yet. Howard played a clip of Marfan Mike singing ''Bohemian Rhapsody.'' He said that's Mike doing all the parts. Robin said she's not sure why they went to Adam Lambert. Howard said he would have gone to see this.
Robin read a story about Tim Conway dying at the age of 85. Robin said they say he lapsed into dementia in the last few months of his life. Robin said he had a stellar career though. Robin said he was on McHale's Navy. She had some clips of the theme for Howard to play. Howard didn't remember it until it started playing. Howard said that's the same band that did Robin's Guatemalan theme. Robin had the Carol Burnett show theme to play too since Tim was on that show. Robin said what Howard might not know is that Tim was the voice of Barnacle Bob on SpongeBob SquarePants. Robin had some audio of him playing that part. Howard said he can't believe he's not on a cartoon.
Howard took a call from Queen's accountant who turned out to be Beetlejuice. Howard asked him some questions and Beetlejuice had nonsense answers. Robin said that Tim Conway wanted this song to play at his funeral. It was Willie Nelson's ''Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground.'' Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about a struggle going on right before Tim Conway passed away. The family wasn't sure who was going to be in charge of his medical decisions. Robin said you have to think about that stuff.
Robin read a story about Doris Day not having a funeral or a memorial. She won't have a marker either. Robin said she did not like death. Howard said she's only been dead a day so give it a chance. Robin said she believed in god and thought that he gave her a voice and she used it. She said there won't even be a ceremony. Robin said they will just inter her bones in an unmarked grave. Howard said he's going to drop Robin in a volcano. Robin said sure.
Howard said he's not sure who is going to be in charge of him. He said he's going to specify that he be sawn in half so Beth can have half and the kids can have the other.
Robin read a story about Steve Harvey having a bad day yesterday. Robin said he found out his talk show was being canceled and later in the day he found out he was being replaced by Melissa McCarthy on Little Big Shots. Robin said she has some audio from his talk show. They had a few examples of what Steve does on his show. Robin said he went on his wife's Instagram to let people know what was going on. Howard said that guy was all stressed out so he probably needs a nap.
Robin read a story about a protest going on in Manhattan today. Robin said they're thinking about banning the sale of furs there in the city. Robin said people will be protesting that.
Robin read a story about how the president is optimistic about the trade war with China. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that. Robin said he's not worried. Howard said he had better do something soon. He said the stock market is crashing. Howard said he's worried about the country. He said something happened to the republicans. He said they used to be against tariffs. Robin said Trump changed that. Howard said he hopes they know what they're doing. Robin said we'll have to see what happens.
Robin read a story about Trump talking about how they're not going to send troops to the middle east even though the NY Times is reporting they are. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.