Howard started the show talking about how he was singing to his cat Walter over the weekend. He said he does that when he's brushing him. He said Walter loves being brushed. He said he's in love with this cat. He said he feels bad for him because he was declawed. He said he had 2 previous owners. He said these people adopted him from North Shore and he was declawed. Robin said she thought they had a clause in the adoption that says you can't do that. Howard said he and Beth do. He said he's not sure if they did back then.
Howard said this cat is so sweet. He said you can ruin them if you declaw them. Robin said a lot of times they bite if you do. Howard said he can't bite because they took away his teeth too. He said he never got checked. He said he was neglected. He said he has no claws or teeth. He said he sprays around at times. He said he's sure he would have been returned if someone had adopted him. He said Beth has to clean up after him all the time but it's fine. He said he's like a member of the family so you put up with it.
Robin said she would get rid of him if he did that. Howard said he brushes Walter every time he's with him. He said the other day he was brushing him and he likes to talk to him while he does it. He said they both like it. He said he can just show him the brush or tap it on the counter and he comes running. Robin said maybe he does like it then. Howard said he odes. He said he was singing to Walter. He said he was singing ''I Will Always Love You'' by Dolly parton and Whitney Houston. He said it's a hybrid of the two. He sang it for Robin. Fred played a cat meowing sound as he did that.
Howard said Beth got her phone and took video of it. He said he feels like he's living in a reality show. He said she said she was just taping it for herself but then she said she needed to put it up on Instagram. He said he didn't think it was so cute. He said she gets upset if he doesn't agree. He said she put it up and then they went for a walk.
Howard said he was out on this walk and Beth feels like sick animals and birds come to her. He said she always sees sick birds when they're out. He said she sees every dead bird. He said it gets her upset and that gets him upset. He said they were out on this walk and he's oblivious. He said she saw this big gull just sitting there. He said this was on Friday when it was freezing out. He said he just went ''Oh fuck'' when he saw it. He said Beth is a trained person for saving animals. He said she sprung into action. He said he had to run home and get a rescue kit for this bird. He said they have big beaks and they can hurt you.
Howard said Beth is like Dr. Doolittle. He said she's a super hot Dr. Doolittle. He said they got the gear and Beth does this thing with a towel and he videotaped it. He said he did that and she got the bird. He said she was very nervous about this one. He said the bird put up very little panic.
Howard said the bird was missing a leg and the other one was broken. He said he hadn't eaten in days or weeks. He said it was covered in bird lice so they had to euthanize him. He said the rest of the day they were depressed. He said they felt bonded to this animal. He said it's like he's living on a farm or something.
Howard said they adopt animals out and they get good people most of the time but then you get someone who has to go on vacation for a week so they ask them to hold on to it. He said you wonder what's going to happen in a year when they have to go on vacation again.
Howard said he got up on Thursday and did his Peloton thing and Beth told him about this article that was in the NY Post about the interview. He said it Maureen Callahan isn't a big fan of his so he was kind of moved that they wrote this. He said that it was something worthwhile. He said he turned on TV and saw the Brian Williams piece he did on it and some other reports. He said the whole experience was great. Robin said there wasn't a place you could go that people weren't talking about it. Howard said he got a lot of nice tweets about it. He read through some of those.
Howard said people really liked it and some people's opinions were changed after that. He said people wrote in about that too.
Howard said for a brief day there he felt happy. Robin asked if he really felt happiness. Howard said he did. He said he had a great day on Friday. He said the only person who didn't get it was Sean Hannity. He said he says the Howard he knows would want a disrupter like Donald Trump. Howard said he doesn't know him then. Robin asked when he did know him. Howard said he must have been a fan.
Howard said he doesn't like chaos. He said he likes things to be orderly and a strong chain of command. He said he has a radio show that's chaotic but there is an organization behind it. Robin said she's listening to this guy saying Howard has changed. Howard played a clip of Sean Hannity talking about the interview. Howard said when people insult him they say he has a house in the Hamptons. He said Bill O'Reilly did the same thing and he has a house in the Hamptons too.
Howard said he doesn't hate Donald Trump because he likes Hillary. He said this is what's wrong with our country. Robin said they don't have to be together. She said you can like a lot of people. Howard said he doesn't hate Donald at all. He said his politics align with Hillary. He said he told Donald that. Robin said he happens to admire her accomplishments. Howard said he has hung out with Donald and he didn't tell him to run for president. He said it doesn't work that way. He said he cares about a lot of issues that Hillary gets.
Howard said on FOX News they attack you for just having Hillary on the show. He said Sean would have had her on too. He said he would have attacked her for the Monica Lewinsky thing. He said that he wanted to talk to Hillary about her life. He said he wanted to talk to her for an hour about getting into Yale. He said he wasn't there to talk about Benghazi.
Howard read about what people were saying about the interview. He said they played clip of what Hillary said about George W. Bush saying to her ''that was some weird shit'' after the speech that Trump gave. That was Brian Williams show.
Howard played another clip where some reporters were talking about how she should have done this interview in 2016 because it humanized her.
Howard said he was on such a high after that interview. He said people were just enjoying it. He played a clip of Dagen McDowell talking about that on a show. She was talking about how likeable she was on the show.
Howard said in 2016 he tried to get her on the show. He said he doesn't blame Hillary so much. He said he had a bunch of people contacting the DNC about it. He said they rejected the idea of her coming on there. He said he's not sure if she even knew they wanted her.
Howard said Hillary said it was a good lesson and she regrets not using the media more. He said Trump understood to go everywhere. He said he got all the TV attention he could get. Robin said he was on everything including podcasts. She said he's now talking to Bill O'Reilly from his basement.
Howard said a lot of conservatives felt that he should have asked Hillary why she was coughing when she was doing that. Howard said he's had guests before who have had to clear their throats and he kind of vamped while they do that. He said it got a lot of discussion going. He said he was thrilled with the coverage it got.
Howard said he even liked Sean Hannity talking about it. He said it inspired a lot of conversation. He said he was so glad she came on. Robin said she hopes she was happy she came on. Howard said he was wondering if she had discussions with Bill about it.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked if he set that up for his parents to hear. Howard said he didn't. He said they won't let him set up a computer for them. He said he's not sure how he'd get it to them. Robin said you can play it on a TV. Howard said his parents not having Sirius is kind of a godsend. He said his mother would get charged up over things. He said something might set her off. He said he doesn't want to be analyzed by his parents so it's kind of nice that they can't hear it. He said he wants to teach them how to work a DVR but they won't do it. He said he has a woman who helps them but they won't let him teach her how to teach them.
Howard said he wonders if he's going to get to that point some day. He said his parents don't want help.
Howard said he wanted his parents to read this Maureen Callahan article. He said he was watching CNN and they had this conversation about the interview. He said he wanted his parents to see it. He wanted to send it to this woman who visits his parents. He said he sent it to her and he gets a call from his mom. He said his mother calls sounding like something horrible had just happened. He said he picks up and she thinks it's a voicemail. He said she picks up and tells him she needs to talk to him like something is wrong. He said just that voice on the phone. He said it doesn't sound like anything good. He said then she tells him that he sent her a TV show. He said they tried to watch it but it was too small and his father can't hear it. Howard said they were watching it on a phone. He said it wasn't loud enough for them and it was too small to see.
Howard said his mother asked what happened with Hillary. He said he wanted to send it to them. Howard said if they had a computer he could send them the video. He said his father could get free porn if they had a computer. He said he knows his dad liked porn when he was a kid. He said he would snoop around. He said he would give his dad some porn. He said when they had a VCR he gave his dad some porn. He said he knows his mother isn't banging him so he must have had some desire 25 years ago. He said he was in his 60s or whatever.
Howard said he gave his father the porn and he took it. He said he is a man so lets be real. He said he's not sure what he did with it. He said he probably sent his mother out of the house. He did his impressions of them talking about that.
Bobo asked if his sister heard the interview. Howard said the first email he got was from her and she said she was riveted. He said his sister had met Hillary at one point. He said he didn't realize that. He said she sent him the picture of her with Hillary. He said he heard from her right away. He said there's just no way for his parents to see that interview. Howard said they have to go to smoke signals.
Howard did his impression of his mother talking about how there's always something going on with Howard.
Howard said he told his parents he wants to visit soon. He said he kind of sneaks up on them and shows up without warning them more than 10 minutes in advance. He said he's not sure how to show it to them. Robin said she has an idea of how to do it. She said she'll talk to him about it.
Howard said Robin doesn't have any wrinkles in her forehead. He had her crinkle her forehead. He asked if her boobs sag. Robin said a little bit. Howard said let him see those things. Robin said maybe another day.
Howard said he knows guys who do weird shit. He said he's not going to do anything about his looks even though he's falling apart. He said his fans have already accepted him. Bobo said you can't do anything about father time. Howard said he's wrong about that. He said Superman used to fly around the earth backwards to turn back time. He said he's glad he's a dude. He said his eyelids are drooping over his eyes now. He said he isn't going to do anything about that.
Robin said this woman who is dating Keanu Reeves is back in the news because she went grey. Howard said he has to take a call from Bernie Sanders who is calling in about the Hillary interview. He took the call from fake Bernie Sanders who was offering to do all kinds of weird shit to get on the show. Howard said he can come in but he has to play a game where he has to feel what's in Sal's pouch. Bernie said he'll do it. Howard said he guarantees he'd get a ton of votes if he did that.
Howard said Bernie was talking about the interview saying he can't believe that Hillary is going back to that election and talking about him. Howard said he doesn't really want to get into having all of the candidates on the show. He said they like to weigh High Pitch Erik and things like that. Bernie said he'll sing about Robin. He sang a song about her tits. He said he'll work hard on it.
Howard let Bernie go and took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks any of the democratic candidates have been in touch with him. Howard said yes but that was before Hillary was on. He said a lot of people want to come on but he doesn't want to go down that path where it's a political show. Howard said maybe he'll do it once someone is chosen as the candidate. He said he'd like to talk to Mayor Pete but not even about the election. He said he has a lot of questions for him.
The caller asked if he can say who wanted to come on the show. Howard said Amy Klobuchar seemed interested in coming on. He said she didn't request to come on but she did say hello to him at Bill Maher's show. He said some other people have asked to come in. He said he doesn't want to mention who they are. He said he just doesn't want to get into it.
The caller asked if he wants to talk to someone like Kamala Harris. Howard said sure but they way they book the show is he has people in he's interested in. He said sometimes he'll have someone on who other people are really interested in. He said if he was on a different show maybe he'd be doing more interviews.
The caller said he appreciates everything he's doing. He said he's a meditator like he is. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard jokingly said he has been bathing in the blood of babies since the 1990s. He said many people know that. Robin said this is real stuff she's talking about here.
Howard said this is a guy you have to keep safe. He said if he knows how to do that hey have to keep an eye on him. He said him and Dr. Now on My 600 Pound Life. Robin said this guy has narcolepsy. She said while he's talking he can just go to sleep and wake up in the middle of a sentence. Robin said he can come up with new ideas after falling asleep. Howard said that's fascinating.
Howard said he's watching a show on Netflix that's so bad. He said it's about 12 episodes and he can't stop watching it. He said it's called The V Wars or something. He said it has Ian Somerhalder in it and the show is making him mental. He said he found it on Netflix. He said they're making anything they can to have content. Howard said the show is called V Wars. He said Ian plays a doctor on the show. He said he's the most brilliant doctor that ever lived. He said he looks like Rob Lowe so he has it made. He said this doctor has a way to neutralize the zombie virus. Howard said if you had someone like that they'd lock the guy up and keep him safe. He said instead of that the government gets a hold of him and they want to kill the guy after getting the cure. He said they have a brilliant guy and they want to kill him. He said Ian's character has a cure and they tell him to never mind that because he has a buddy who turned into a zombie. He said they tell him to get the friend because he's the only one who can get him. He said whoever wrote this wrote it to make him crazy. He said he thinks Netflix is losing their mind. He said he loves Netflix but this is insane.
Howard said Beth had this guy Ian as her acting partner many years ago. He said he talks to her about what a piece of shit this show is. Howard asked if Jason is watching that. Jason said he's not. Robin said she's still trying to get through that movie that Howard mentioned where the guy killed Hitler and then Bigfoot.
Howard said the story in V Wars is so ridiculous. He said they say they're going to kill this guy if he doesn't get his friend back. He said he's still watching the dumb show though. He said he has to watch it all.
Howard asked what the excuse was and if he had an explanation about how it wasn't her and he's still in love with her. She said it as something like that. Howard asked how she's looking. She said she's not looking as good as J-Lo at 50. Howard asked if she let the weight go. She said yeah. Howard said he wishes that he could just love her for the person she is. The caller said not everyone is as good as Howard.
Howard asked who looks better, the caller or her husband. She said she thins she is. Howard said he has a friend who is going through something similar. He asked if he got himself a young girl. The caller said she thinks it was a mid life crisis thing. Howard said that happens. He said sometimes you just get married too young. He said sometimes you're just too long at the party. The caller said kids make it hard too. Howard asked how often they have sex. She said not often enough. Robin said sometimes women don't know that men need sex. Howard said if someone gets into bed with him and has a nice bottle of lotion and rub his dick, he's fine. He said he just has to get that poison out of him.
Robin said she had an expert tell her that you can't starve the man of sex. Howard said most women start to look at the man like they don't want to fuck them anymore. Robin said it is part of the relationship though. Howard said Ronnie's girlfriend is busy jerking him off and giving him sex. He said she's putting in overtime with that old goat.
Howard said he got Ronnie's Christmas card in the mail. Robin said she did too. Howard said you see how young Stephanie looks and you see Ronnie there. He said it looks like when a guy on TV who kidnaps a 12 year old and puts her in the basement in a cage. He said then she gets released at like 30. He said it's the best.
Howard said Ronnie just turned 70. He said he went to Vegas and he's out there partying with Vince Neil from Motley Crue. He said he had a picture up. He showed it to Robin. Howard said Ronnie looks better than Vince Neil in that picture.
Howard asked the caller, Kristen, if she's staying with this guy. She said she is for now. Howard asked if she wants to see this woman that he was with. She said she is curious. Howard said he should have to show her who she is and tell her what he did with her.
Howard asked how he caught him. Kristen said through text messages. Howard asked if he knows his password. She said no but she caught him texting. She said her kids saw it actually. She said it wasn't dirty stuff but she was suspicious so she asked to see his phone and she clicked on his contacts and a woman picked up. She said that he was texting her. Howard said guys are so dumb. He said he wouldn't text someone. He said that's too easy to get caught at. He said he would never text if he was cheating. Howard said he should set her up with the Jackhammer. He said that guy will fuck her brains out. Kristen asked if Brent can watch. Howard said sure. Howard said they should tie up her husband and make him watch.
Gary asked if Howard saw the story about the guy who was caught through his Fitbit watch. Howard said he saw that. Gary said there was another guy who thought he had hung up on his girlfriend but didn't and he was talking to his wife instead. He said he got caught.
Howard asked Kristen more about the therapy and told her to tell the husband she wants to read all of the texts and know how it all got started and for him to be totally open about it. Howard said she has to do that. Kristen said she did do that. She said he was living out of the house for a while. She said they are trying to reconcile now.
Howard asked if they have had sex since they got back together. Kristen said no. Howard said that's going to be rough. He said she has to pull her shit back together but he has to jump through some hoops for her. Howard asked if she wants to fuck the Jackhammer or not. Kristen said no thanks.
Robin asked how the daughter is doing. Kristen said she's doing okay. She said she wants them to be a happy functioning family. She said she'd understand if they divorced though. Howard said he's sorry she's going through all of this. Kristen said they've been a bright spot for her. She said she's so grateful that Robin is healthy and back on air keeping the guys in line. Howard wished her luck with everything and said she can call if she changes her mind about the Jackhammer.
Howard let Kristen go and said he has the writer of V Wars on the phone. He took the call and the guys were playing Beetlejuice clips as the voice of that guy. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard jokingly said he remembers when he was young and 3 days from going to Vietnam and the song came out. He said he and his crew would sit and listen to this before going out on their detail. He said he'd put on his headphones and shoot and kill the enemy. Howard said Deep Purple helped him kill. He said when he was on leave he'd fuck to this song. He said many prostitutes heard this song. He said he has kids all over Vietnam. He said his nickname was Scumbag over there.
Howard said what a great song this is. He asked if they're in the hall of fame. Robin said yes. Howard said she's right. He said they're the class of 2016. Howard asked what other songs they've done. They mentioned Smoke on the Water and Hush.
Howard said Richard Christy was talking about the Christmas music he listens to around this time. He said his wife has to go into another room because he annoys her with his playlist. He said he likes heavy metal and this is what he plays. He said Richard likes this heavy metal band and played a clip. Howard said this is what Richard listens to. Robin said he listens to noises during Halloween too. Howard said the art work for that song is a Santa shooting an elk's head off with a shotgun. He said the band is called Coughandfuck. He said he thought he was doing shtick but he really listens to this.
Howard said Richard listens to this cover of Little Drummer Boy. He played it for Robin and asked if she could listen to this. Robin said not at all. Howard said he asked where he finds this stuff. Richard told him it's a compilation of songs on this heavy metal album. Howard played a heavy metal version of Silent Night.
Howard said there's this song where a guy squeals like a pig in it. It was a version of Jingle Bells. Howard said he can get into any kind of music but this is fucking crazy. He said you thinks Richard is joking but he listens to this every night. He said he can't imagine anyone listening to that. Robin said she's shocked that he wastes his time listening to it but Brent is taking lessons to sing like this.
Howard said he saw Saturday Night Live and he was wondering if that guy Dababy was doing mumble rap. He said he had one chick on stage doing a hand stand and shaking her ass. Howard said even his wife wanted to see more of that. Robin said there was one guy who talked clearly but he wasn't the rapper. Howard asked if that guy is big. Jason said he is pretty big. He said he did understand some of his lyrics. Howard said he's not really his favorite though. Howard said he was like what the fuck when he saw that going on. He said it triggered him like he was back in high school.
Howard said Richard listens to something around the holidays and it's a soundtrack for a movie called Black Christmas. He said he likes to listen to this one part of it. He played a clip where a woman takes a call and a guy is saying disgusting things to her. Howard said he thought that was kind of funny. Robin said Richard will do anything to get his attention.
Howard took a call from a guy calling in from Texas. Howard said he loves that hey are nationwide. He said he sees all of the calls waiting to get on and they're all over the country. Howard said he always wanted to be on nationally from the start. He said now he is and nothing changes.
Howard asked what's up. The caller said he likes going back to old time radio and talking up the song. He asked what he would do if he had a super long intro like Hot Legs by Rod Stewart. Howard said he doesn't remember what he did. He said he's not sure he played a lot of Hot Legs. Fred played the song for him. Howard tried talking that one up. The caller said he loved that. He told Fred to come jam with his band if he's ever in Texas. Howard said he'll never leave if he does go down there.
Howard said he remembers Rod on some show back in the 70s when he was fucking that Britt Ekland or someone hot like that. He said he remembers thinking how the guy had it made.
Howard said he has a new phony phone call to play. He played the call where they had a southern woman calling to hire a Santa for a party. She said that its going to be mixed company and she wants him to let her know if anyone says happy holidays so they can kick them out. She had him role play with Santa and had him saying all the ''right'' things for her party. The woman said she was going to have coal wrapped in paper for him to give the bad kids. The Santa didn't sound too thrilled about that. They went to break after that call.
Howard came back and took a call from a woman who said she said she wanted to say something about the woman who called in earlier. She said she's going through cancer treatments and her fiancee is cheating on her left and right. She said she just found out. Howard asked why a guy who is engaged would cheat. He said just break up. Robin said married men cheat. Howard said lets try to think. He said the guy just wants to get something on the side if he's married. He said this guy wants to be with this woman one on one. The caller, Samantha, said she's very pretty. She said she thinks part of it is the cancer thing. She said he bought a house behind her back and found out about that in the mail. Samantha said he owes her for the wedding and he's verbally abusing her too. She said she also loves sex and women need that too, it's not just men.
Samantha told Howard about her cancer and how this guy cheated on her with waitresses and women like that. Howard said he would just tell her that he wants to call it off and not ruin her life with a loveless marriage. He said that he'd say he knows she's going to be angry with him but he wants to be there for her through the cancer treatments and all of that. Robin said he can't do that. Samantha said that would be nice for him to do. She said she's been very supportive of everything but she can't take it anymore. She said she has relied on him but he's leaving.
Samantha said that her daughter is 23 years old and she was told to push that baby out so it was born on Howard's birthday and she did. Howard said Rob Zombie is also January 12 and so is Rush Limbaugh. He said Ali Wentworth too. He said Kirstie Alley is also January 12. He said it's the best birthday out there.
Howard said his first General Manager was Israeli. He said he was told that he shouldn't be on the air. He said he told him that his birthday was coming up and he was the best birth sign just like he was. He said the guy said that Capricorn was the best. He said he listened to him because he was the General Manager.
Howard said King of All Blacks has some advice for her. He took the call and King told her to listen to her heart and just stay with the guy. Samantha said that she does love him and she would like to stay with him but he broke up with her and he's leaving.
Howard asked how hot she is. Samantha told Howard what she looks like. She said she's lost a lot of weight and that made her hotter. Howard asked if she's tight. Samantha said she looks damn good. Howard asked how old she is. She said she's in her 40s. She eventually said she's 43. Howard said he has no problem with that. He said that means it's good. Samantha said Robin's strength and words have helped her get through her treatments. She said she went to see Howard when she was young. She said that she was in Cleveland when Howard was there.
King said that she thinks she can't get anyone else so that's why she wants to be with this guy. Samantha said that she loved the guy and she could get anyone she wants. King was giving more of his thoughts on that but Howard hung up on him and let Samantha go a short time later. Howard told her to let that guy go and forget about him.
Samantha said that she just wanted to call in about how she needs sex and it's not just men. Robin said women can like it but men need it. Samantha said she needs it. Howard said he'll talk to the Jackhammer and see what he can do about that. Howard said she has to lose that guy.
Robin asked what she loves about that guy. Howard had let her go already. Robin said the guy was cheating on her and buying a house without her and sticking her with a bunch of bills. Howard said that guy is up to a lot. He said he'd like to interview that guy.
Robin said she knows a person who bought a condo in Florida while he was married and she moved out and into that house without telling the wife. Robin said he caller her asking to spend Christmas with her and her family after that.
Howard said Shuli, Benjy and Ronnie didn't like that woman at all. Gary said they were saying that she was full of herself and they didn't like her attitude. Howard said he's kind of shocked by that. Gary said Shuli said there was just something about her.
Howard had Ronnie come in to talk about that. Ronnie came in and said it wasn't anger. He said it was the way she came across with the voice. He said she was like a dictator. He said it was just weird. Howard said she's laying there with cancer and they have a wedding on the books and the guy is buying a house without her. He said he's fucking around on her too. Ronnie asked why she would take him back. Howard said she said she was in love with the guy. Howard said he gets it.
Howard said he was in love with a woman when he was younger and he would have done anything for her.
Howard asked what Ronnie was doing with Vince Neil out in Vegas. Ronnie said he hung out with him last year too. Howard asked what he was doing out there. Ronnie said he was out there for a friend who lives out there. He said Vince is friends with that guy. Howard said Ronnie used to drive a bread route and now he's hanging out with Vince Neil. Robin said he used to have friends who went bow hunting and now he's hanging out with stars. Ronnie asked what's wrong with that. Howard said he can't imagine that these guys are into him. Ronnie said he was at the same party with Vince. He said they were talking but not really hanging out.
Howard asked what they were talking about. Ronnie said Vince was talking about getting ready to go on tour. Howard asked what Ronnie talks about. Fred did his Ronnie Puppet thing and had him talking about the movies he's been in.
Howard said Samantha is angry at Ronnie for saying that about her. He picked up and Samantha said she loves all of those guys. Howard said Ronnie called her a cunt out there. Ronnie said he did. Samantha said she was just emotional. Howard said it's not that easy to just get rid of the guy. Samantha said she has to evict the guy. She said he won't leave. Ronnie asked why he won't leave. Samantha said she's asked the same thing and he just calls her names and says f-you.
Samantha said she thinks the way Ronnie talks about women is great. Ronnie said now he feels bad. He said Shuli had a thing too. Howard said the guy was being a dick to her and they're calling her names. Howard said he's not sure how they made the leap to her being a cunt. Howard said she's very nice. Samantha said she has been told to just go with the law and let it play out. Howard said the guy is being a dick. He said he's cheating as it is. He said he's not sure why the guys are saying that.
Gary said that Benjy found her to be arrogant. He said Shuli didn't think she was a cunt. Howard called Shuli in there. Samantha said she may come off arrogant but she has nothing and no help.
Shuli came in and said here was just something that rubbed her the wrong way at the beginning. He said Ronnie was out there calling her a cunt 30 seconds in. Howard said that's pretty amped up to go there 30 seconds in.
Samantha said she loves the way Ronnie talks about treating a woman. Ronnie said he's sorry he said what he said. Howard said Ronnie is so angry. Samantha said she's Jewish too. She asked if that helps. She said she didn't think she was being arrogant.
Howard said Chris Wilding is back there saying she's a phony. He said he thinks she sounds great. He said she just called the show. Robin said she felt she was sweet.
Ronnie said she's very hot and everything but does everything still work. Samantha said it does. She said she still has a nice body and she's fit. Ronnie asked if she's still having sex with his guy. Samantha said not anymore. She said he's verbally cruel to her. She said he calls her the C-word when he gets drunk. Howard said he doesn't get how she says with him. She said she's stuck with him right now. Howard said you can't love a guy like that. Ronnie asked if he was like this all along. Samantha said no and it changed about 8 months ago. She said he changed completely.
Ronnie asked how long ago she got the cancer. She said it has come back. Ronnie asked what changed there. Samantha said she would love to know. Ronnie said he's trying to figure this out.
Howard asked how many seconds it took for Ronnie to go there. Shuli said he's never called a woman a cunt within 10 seconds. He said he did say that something about her rubbed him the wrong way. Ronnie said he said she was arrogant. Shuli said that was Benjy. Howard said he knows that these guys have issues with women. Ronnie said he doesn't. Howard asked if he thinks he's angry with his mother. Ronnie asked why he would be angry with her. He said she was the nicest woman in the world. Howard said he has tremendous anger.
Samantha said if she came off arrogant she's sorry about that. Gary said that Benjy said he found her to be very condescending. Howard said if Benjy comes in it's all going to end. He said he won't be fun. Samantha said that Benjy wouldn't be anywhere without this show. Howard asked if she wants to hear what he has to say. He said it's going to end the fun if they do. He said he's like the fun vampire. Samantha said he got so fat and he's a Virgo she thinks. Howard said he's like cancer on fun.
Howard said Benjy is like radio herpes. He said they can't get rid of him. He had Benjy come in to tell them why she's so terrible. Benjy came in and said that people don't like him when they hear him too. He said when she first called in she was trying to be more likable. He said she came off very fake and condescending. Howard said she didn't though. He said she called in to talk about how the same thing happened to her as the other woman. He said she said she was good looking and that wasn't condescending.
Howard said these guys come up with cunt and he doesn't understand that. Benjy said he would go with cunty and not just cunt. He said he loves strong women.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he's the first one to get that vibe and he didn't get that at all. He said this woman is living with a leach and that's what he got out of it. Howard said a woman who is a cunt is someone much worse. Benjy asked why the guy calls her names. She said he gets drunk and does that.
Samantha said she thinks Benjy is a great writer and he's so intelligent. She said she wouldn't date him though. Howard said a lot of people say that Benjy is like comedy AIDS. He said he's Radio Hindenburg. Benjy said it's her looking for Howard's attention that's getting to him. Howard said he thinks he said goodbye to Benjy and he's not leaving.
Howard said he has Charlie Sheen on the phone and he thinks she's a cunt. Fake Charlie was on the line saying that he's there for her if she's looking for a guy with AIDS. Howard let him go pretty quickly.
Samantha said Ronnie is such a strong woman. She said she is gorgeous and strong. Howard said he's strong too. Samantha said that she has to get this out. She said Robin is an inspiration. Howard said he is too. Ronnie said he is too. Robin said they haven't had cancer. Howard said he thought he did. He said he had an operation for like 16 hours.
Howard said he really wishes her luck with her whole thing. Samantha said some nice words to the rest of the guys before Howard let her go.
Ronnie said you an spend between 500 and 6. He said you can find stuff out in Henderson and it gets the cheaper the farther you get. Howard asked if he could pay cash for it. Ronnie said no but it wouldn't be too much of a mortgage.
Shuli asked if they were looking for a place to open up a vet out there. Ronnie said Stephanie has a job lined up out there.
Howard said if he's there for another contract and Ronnie gives up this job what is he going to do if he realizes he gave up this whole thing. Ronnie said he'll be fine. He told them to leave him alone. Howard said he's going to be calling in every day like Ralph. Ronnie said he is not. He said he'll never talk to him again. Howard said probably not. He said he's going to get himself a nice young 63 year old driver.
Robin said Ronnie's friends won't be so nice to him after this. Robin said the friends he has now won't be hanging gout with him. Ronnie said he has other friends who aren't big shots. Howard said he's going to get so upset when his Twitter followers stop following him. Ronnie said he's at the point that he doesn't care anymore. Howard said no more lap dances and visits to the strip clubs. Ronnie said he doesn't need that. He said he has Stephanie.
Shuli said that the Secret Service guys were giving him pins and stuff last week. Howard said he has to give that up. Ronnie said he's fine with that.
Howard asked what the stress is working there. Ronnie said it's just time to go. He said it's nothing about this place. He said it was great out in Vegas. Shuli said he lived there for 12 years. He said it gets up to 116 degrees in the summer. He said his dad sold all three of his businesses and he got a job at Walmart because he was going out of his mind. Howard said he houses are so cheap because no one wants to live there. Ronnie said there's tons of construction out there.
Howard said Ronnie is going to be so bored out there. Shuli said he has pictures of him looking out the window during their tour. He said it's so weird.
Howard asked what he does in his spare time. Ronnie said he'll figure it out. Howard took a call from Ronnie from the Future who said his life is boring now. He said Stephanie is never home and he's all alone.
Howard asked what he'll do if she leaves him. He said he's not taking him back. Ronnie asked who asked him to take him back. Howard said whoever drives him will be called Ronnie and he'll have fun at the strip clubs and in movies. Ronnie said that's fine.
Shuli said his father just retired at 83 and he's home now working harder than he ever did in a job. Howard said he can't wait to see what happens. He said Ronnie is going to be fine for a few months and then he'll have to go back to work. Shuli said he'll be out there doing Uber. Robin said he'll be Ronnie the Angry Uber Driver.
Howard said he's not going to have a good time out there. He said he won't be able to hang out with the guys who are there. Howard said once he leaves the door is shut. Ronnie said he's fine. He said he'll help him find someone if he wants.
Howard said he knows someone will call him a year from retirement and Ronnie will be praying for death. Howard continued to goof on Ronnie giving him a hard time about retiring to Vegas. He was talking about how miserable he's going to be out there. Ronnie didn't seem to care.
Howard said he has to think this thing through. Ronnie said he has. He said he has gone back and forth on it. Shuli said he wants to do an embedded out there after he moves out. Ronnie said he hasn't put a deposit on this place out there yet. Shuli asked how much time he thinks he's got. Howard said he should have some good years instead of sitting out there turning to beef jerky in Vegas. Robin said he's going to be that grouchy old man that the kids harass. The guys were all doing their impressions of Ronnie and goofing on the retirement thing. Ronnie said that you'd think they'd be happy for him retiring but they're all goofing on him. He said he remembers when Robin would sit in her house with the blinds closed.
Howard said they're going to forget about Ronnie once he leaves. Ronnie said that's the way it goes with everyone who leaves there. Robin said they'll move out there and Stephanie will leave him for someone rich and he'll be back to driving. Ronnie said it could happen there too.
Howard said there is a certain magic to a young girl when you have something like this gig. He said just think it through. Ronnie said she knows the deal. Shuli said she knows the heat will kill him and she'll be set. Ronnie told him to keep writing those jokes in his head.
Howard said he wishes him luck but he has to say this. He said he can make someone famous in 5 minutes. He said take Shuli, Benjy and Baba Booey. He said he made Jeff the Drunk famous. Howard said he made Ronnie famous. He said he's not that exciting. Ronnie said he didn't say he didn't. Howard said he's going to get someone else to replace him and he'll be a hit. Ronnie said that's fine.
Howard said he thinks it's a mistake. He said he has it all there. He said he has an exciting life finally. Ronnie said he does. Howard said he dreamed of this and now he's got it and he's going to take it all away. He said he's finally living the dream. Ronnie said he's been living it for years. Howard said he's going to go to Vegas and all of the excitement will go away. He said the audience will forget him in 3 weeks. He said they'll forget about him too. He said he got fired from WNBC and no one cared. He said he thought there would be a huge uproar.
Howard took a call from a fake David Letterman who said he's not going crazy out there where he lives. He said he's not praying for death at all.
Howard asked what he's going to do all day. Ronnie said he doesn't know and he's not thinking about it. Howard said he has no interests. He asked if he's going to read a book. Ronnie said maybe he will. Howard said he won't enjoy it. He asked what he's going to do. Ronnie said he isn't going to worry about it. Howard asked why he's going to blow his life up. Ronnie said he's not.
Howard said the last book Ronnie read was Donny Brasco 20 years ago. Howard said you know how hard it was for him to read that.
Gary came in with some pictures of the houses that they were looking at out there. Howard said Stephanie is busy posting pictures. He said it's a shower and a sink. Ronnie said there was a lot of those. Howard asked what his fantasy is. Ronnie said there is no fantasy. Howard asked what he's going to do out there. Ronnie said he's going to do nothing and wake up when he feels like it. He said he'll go to bed when he wants.
Howard asked what he's going to do out there. Gary said that there's video of Ronnie having sex with someone in the background. Howard asked what's going on there. Ronnie took a look at that. He said it was a male stripper they had at the party. Howard said no one is going to have him to the party when he retires. Ronnie said these people call him all the time. Howard said they didn't know him back in the day. He said he met them through the show. Howard said look at who he's meeting through the show.
Howard said he'll bet that all of his friends are related to the show somehow. Ronnie said he met a lot of friends through Kurt. Howard asked how he met Kurt. He asked if he heard him on the show. Ronnie said sure but that doesn't mean that they're not going to be his friends anymore.
Howard said Pete Townshend is back on tour again after announcing they were done again. He said he has no place for him on the show if he retires. Ronnie said he gets it. Howard said go dig your own grave. He said he can throw out that puppet in a year. Fred did his Ronnie Puppet thing and had him knocking and ringing the bell at Kurt Busch's house. He wasn't answering the door. Howard said Kurt doesn't care about retired Ronnie who hangs out by his pool all day.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she hopes Ronnie listens to one word he had to say. She said that he's going to be hanging around and banging down the door to be part of the Wack Pack. She said he's cutting off his source and he has no idea. She said he's cutting it all off. Robin said a few months ago Ronnie was talking about the burden of fame and now he'll know what it's like to have none. Howard said he can't even tell him what he'll be doing all day. Ronnie said he's not worried about it. Howard said he has nothing on his calendar. Ronnie said he's not sure what he's going to do but he's into cars and shit. He said maybe he'll restore a car. He said that was Stephanie's idea. Howard said he's going to restore a car. He said you can go buy a car at the store.
The caller said Ronnie isn't one of those guys who is going to go off into the sunset. Howard said she's right. Ronnie said she doesn't know him. Howard said he knows he's going to be miserable. Howard asked what happened to the animal hospital. Ronnie said that can happen some day. He said she has a job lined up out there.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she'll drive him around. Howard hung up on her not long after that.
Howard asked how Stephanie has a job lined up out there already. Ronnie said she found a job out there. He said don't worry about it. Howard wished him luck with the retirement. Ronnie said that Shuli wishes he could retire out there. Howard said Shuli ran there to get away from Vegas. He said he already lived out there. Shuli said his dad is a brilliant guy and he ended up working at Walmart.
Howard started to sing things about Ronnie to the riff from ''Aqualung'' like they've done in the past.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why they're ragging on Ronnie about retirement. Howard kept singing about the things that Ronnie is giving up when he retires.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it sounds like Howard is really sweating bullets. Howard said he knows Ronnie and he has the fever to get out there but he may have 15 years left and he'll be stuck out there. He said when all of the fun stuff goes away he's going to get bored. Ronnie said he could live there and have that. Howard said he can leave the show anytime he wants but he has no idea what's going to be going on. Shuli said there are a lot of weird people out there and they want to take your money away to go gamble.
Howard made up more things to sing to Ronnie to the tune of that Aqualung riff. He was going on and on with those. Ronnie said there's nothing like shitting on your parade. Fred played the riff to that too.
Howard said do what you want. He said no one is stoping you. He said just remember who told you. Ronnie said he hears him. Howard said he's had friends who he's told the truth to and they don't listen to him. He said 5 years later they are miserable.
Howard kept going with songs about Ronnie's retirement. They were beating it into the ground. Howard was predicting the future with Ronnie and Stephanie. Howard had Ronnie having a shower with a hand rail and bed pan. He said he's worried about Ronnie. Howard had Ronnie not getting hard anymore. He said that would really end things.
Howard said he loves Ronnie and doesn't want to see him make a mistake. Howard said next December is the last month of his contract. He asked if he's going to say he wants to stick around a few months. Ronnie said he will if he wants him to train someone. Ronnie said he's done as of the last day of December next year. Shuli asked if he'll have a statement prepared for that day. Ronnie asked what statement he's going to make. Howard did a speech as Ronnie.
Gary said Jason is out there laughing uncontrollably and wondering how long it takes to teach someone to stand in front of a door. Ronnie said all of those sour bastards back there. He said he'd love to see what Jason would do if Howard retired next December. He asked where he's going. Howard and Fred were doing their Ronnie impressions talking about his history there on the show.
Howard said he's going on record saying he's making a mistake. Howard asked Robin if she agrees. Robin said of course. Shuli asked if he thinks he's going to change his mind before he announces what he's doing. Howard said he has made the statement already. Robin said he thinks he'll change his mind. Ronnie said it's too late. Howard said Robin has to talk to him off the air. Howard said Ronnie forgets how important it is to work there. He said it's his life. Ronnie said he knows it. He said it's the end of working. Howard said it's the end of his life.
Howard asked how many months it'll be before Ronnie is blaming Stephanie for the move. Ronnie said he's not going to do that. Howard said this is like a part time job. Robin said this job is like the kind of job he would want out there in Vegas. Shuli said when you get to the big casinos out there in Vegas you don't leave the job. He said there are guys who work 30-40 years. Ronnie said he's been there doing that for 30 years there. He said he's been working since he was 15 years old. Howard said he's only been having fun for 10 years. He said before that he was wondering when he was going to get an appearance. Ronnie said he's been in the studio since 98. Howard said things just started happening for him.
Howard asked what the most stressful part of the job is. Ronnie said it's Shuli. He said get rid of him and he'll stay another 20 years. Howard said retired people would kill for his 3 day a week job. Howard said he's going to start looking for someone. Ronnie said that's fine. Howard said once he hires someone he's done. Ronnie said that's fine.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a lawyer who said he's a lawyer and he would give his right testicle to have that job. Howard said come on up and apply. He said the job is really tough. He said you might have to bring him his lunch and bring celebrities up in the elevator. The caller said he's not sure he could do all of that. Howard said he might have to interact with those people. The caller said that might be too much for him. Howard said he may have to make appearances at strip clubs too. Shuli said he might have to yell and scream until he loses his voice.
Howard said he's going to introduce his new diver to Kurt Busch first thing. Howard said he'll introduce them to Lonnie. He said he'll tell Lonnie to have the new driver to the strip club.
Howard read about how Nevada is the worst place to retire to. He said that's it the Reno Gazette. Howard read the story and they say the wether and health care are the worst out there. Howard said the only good thing is the taxes.
Howard said he got the message from Ronnie that he's retiring. He said he's going to give him a day to think about that. Ronnie said he doesn't need a day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd like to hear just one name of someone who left the show and became more successful. Ronnie said he's not trying to move on to an exciting life. He said he's not quitting the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he should work as long as Howard is working. Howard said he's committing suicide by retiring. Howard said he can't fire the guy he replaces Ronnie with. He said he knows he'll be miserable out there. He said Robin knows it too. Ronnie said Robin doesn't know everything. Howard said she knows everything. Robin said she knows a lot. She said she sees what happens to everyone who goes out there. Ronnie said he's supposed to work until he drops dead. Robin said this is hardly work.
Howard did his Jackie impression and said ''I love retirement!'' Ronnie said he's not quitting. He said he's retiring and leaving. Howard said Jackie called him every night for a month after he left. Ronnie said he quit though. Howard said please write your resume in Crayon like Ronnie did. Howard thanked everyone for coming in and wrapped up. They played a song parody about Ronnie and went to break.
Howard said he loves that song. He said he didn't realize how late it was in the morning. He said he was trying to talk Ronnie out of retirement. Howard said sitting over there is his buddy Pete. He said he's a big shot over there. Robin said she sort of remembers him. Howard said his wife Kendra is there too. Howard said they have a couple of others in there too. Howard said he had Pete and his friends come in. Pete introduced Erin and her husband Andy too. Howard said they're two good looking gals. He said they must have gotten a lot of action in college. He asked if they were attracted to each other. They laughed. Howard asked if they ever saw each other naked. They said they may have. They said they didn't kiss or anything in college. Pete asked if they want to now.
Howard said Pete is a good dude. He said he's like 50 times the man he is. Pete said they haven't done anything very manly lately. Howard said he needs some manly shit. Howard asked if Pete thinks Ronnie should retire. Pete said Ronnie has an easy gig. He said it's 3 days a week. Howard said Ronnie wants to be a tough guy like Pete. Howard told them to enjoy watching the show. He said any friend of Pete's is a friend of his.
Howard said he and Pete do masculine things. He said they changed a tire together. He said Pete fixed it and he supervised. Pete said it was two times. Howard said they had that thing in the parking lot.
Howard said Pete has to be an animal in bed. Kendra just said no comment. Howard said he thinks Pete is a very masculine guy. He said you should see him change a tire. Howard said Pete ended up doing the work both times.
Howard took a call from a really manly guy who said he kind of wants to suck Pete's cock after hearing how manly he is. Pete said that doesn't sound very masculine. Howard said he hangs out with Pete when he wants to have man talk. He said Pete tore his whole bicep out when he was boxing. He said Pete finished boxing and didn't go to the doctor. He said he finally got it operated on. Kendra said he did it again a week later. She said he was lifting their child up in the ocean. She said she was 9 months pregnant at the time. She said that she's pregnant again too. She said she's pregnant every time she comes in there.
Howard asked if Pete has ever cried. Pete said he has. He said he cries when he watches Disney movies. He said he saw the Lion King and cried.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were doing more of the masculine guy calls. They kept talking about how they wanted to fuck the guy.
Howard asked how much Pete can bench. Pete said he doesn't bench anymore because it hurts his shoulders. Howard said this is the most masculine guy you'll ever meet. Robin said it's nice to meet him since she works with all of these metrosexuals.
Robin started off with some news about the Golden Globe Award nominees. Robin and Howard went through the list. Robin had audio for Howard to play. They ended up talking about Eddie Murphy in Dolomite Is My Name. Howard said he's not going to watch that until Eddie comes in there. He said he should have been in there to promote it. Robin had more clips for Howard to play where they announced who was nominated.
Howard took a call from fake Arnold who was asking how fast Robin makes Pete cum. He was dropping loads all over for Robin.
Robin had more clips from the Golden Globe announcements. They went through some more nominees and Howard was picking his favorites. He was just going with people he knew or people who have come on the show. Howard did a live commercial read and took a break after that.
After the break Howard came right back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin still had more of the Golden Globe nominee announcements for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about the Kennedy Center Honors and who will be honored at that event. Howard took a call from fake Mother Angelica who was feeling things for Masculine Pete. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Pete and his friends. He found out what Pete and his wife do for a living. He spent a little time talking to Erin about working in H.R.
Robin read a story about Walmart advertising a sweater that showed Santa about to snort cocaine. Robin said they pulled that sweater that was on their Canadian web site. She said it was a third party that was selling the sweater. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin had Howard play a clip of someone singing. Howard said he doesn't like this. Robin said it's Celine Dion. Howard said he's not liking it. Robin said her fans didn't either. She said her album fell out of the number 1 slot faster than any record in history. Robin said it's completely out of the top 100 after being number 1. She said it only sold 3000 copies the week after it was in the top spot. Robin said things aren't going well for her. She lost her husband and her brother and now her album fell out of the top 100.
Robin read a story about the president over the weekend talking about water regulation. Howard said he has to agree with him about that. Robin said he was screaming about how bad things are with toilets. Robin had a clip of Trump talking about that. He said people are flushing toilets 10-15 times instead of once. Howard said he has to simplify that. He said a bunch of years ago he renovated his apartment and he had to put in a ''green'' toilet. He said he used to have toilets that would suck that stuff right down. He said the green toilet looks nice but it doesn't flush. He said a doody won't go down. He said 3-4 flushes it what it would take. Robin said it's not 10-15. Howard said it can't be good for the environment. He said a few nights ago he masturbated. He said he uses tissues to catch his load. He said he uses 3 at a time. He said he threw them in the toilet and they stayed right there defying gravity. He said he had to flush maybe 4 times. He said Trump is right about these toilets. Robin said she's not having this problem. Howard said she's probably shitting in an illegal toilet. He said she doesn't live in the city either. Robin said they're not sure what regulations Trump is talking about but he says this is a big problem so they're looking into it ''very strongly.'' Howard asked where this guy grew up that he talks like that. He said just say you're looking into it. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Caroll Spinney passing away. Robin had Howard play some audio of Big Bird speaking. Robin said Caroll played Big Bird for over 50 years. She said he passed away at the age of 85. Howard said he could play Big Bird. He said you don't even need a costume. He said Steve Perry called him Big Bird when he met him the first time. Robin said Spinney also played Oscar the Grouch.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he's not exaggerating with the toilets. Howard said Ralph used his toilets and he knows. Ralph said it's really bad. Howard asked why he's using his toilet to flush tissue. That led to Howard talking about his Toto toilet. Howard said they have restrictions on these toilets. He said the Toto is good though. Howard found out that Pete doesn't close the door and his wife sees him shit. Howard said he doesn't do that around his wife. His wife said he'll do it in the bathroom while she's showering. Pete said he gave her a bathroom of her own and she moved into his. Howard said just shit downstairs then. Pete said she has to put up with his shit. His wife said beef jerky is the worst. She said her mother gave him beef jerky of the month as a gift. Howard asked if he flushes and then gives a second flush. Kendra said she he does flush. She said sometimes the stench is really bad. Howard said he's so masculine. He said he loves that. They spent a few more minutes on that before Howard did another live commercial read.
Robin read a story about the Miss Universe Pageant being on last night. Robin said Steve Harvey is still hosting the show. Robin said back in 2015 he made a mistake and gave the wrong person the award. Robin said he made a bit of a flub again last night. Robin said they have a costume contest and he named the wrong contestant the winner again. Howard said that's not a tough job. He played the clip where Steve messed up.
Robin read a story about how articles of impeachment could be issued later this week. Robin said they're saying that this is a rush job but Jerry Naddler thinks he has a case.
Robin read a story about Michelle Obama and Julia Roberts being in Vietnam to talk to girls about education and opportunity.
Robin read a story about Frozen II being number 1 at the box office for the third week in a row. Howard said he has to get in on that voice over work for animated movies. He said he can do a voice. He did one that sounded like Kermit the Frog. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show talking about how getting older blows. He said he went to the gym and did some push ups and he feels miserable. He said he went to the eye doctor too. He said his vision has changed and he got dilated. He said he couldn't see anything. He said he didn't realize it lasts for 4-5 hours. He said he didn't know all of that. He said years ago he met his eye doctor who doesn't dilate you. He said now they do. He said you walk around with your eyes all dilated. He said he wanted to read stuff for the show today but he wasn't able to see the screen all that well. He said every time he goes to a doctor he has problems. He said he used to go to one guy and he took care of everything. He said now he has all kinds of doctors in his life. He said Robin has to have more than he does.
Robin said she has a few doctors. She said she has a regular team. Howard asked if she considers herself a medical miracle. Robin said she never thought about it that way. Howard said he does. He said he goes around telling people about her. He said Robin has a great attitude. He said she had cancer and she never broke down. Robin said the first day she was on the phone after the surgery and she cracked a joke. She said Howard said it was too early to do that. Howard said she was in denial at that time. He said he had to smack her around verbally. He said she had a serious cancer. He said she just went right through it no big deal. He said he would have quit the show. He said he would have been saying goodbye to people. Robin said she knows he wouldn't have gotten through it.
Robin said Howard makes things worse than they are and this was horrible. Howard said his wife tells him that too. He said if he was him he would be carrying on like a maniac. He said he can't disagree with her. He said he makes things much worse. He has a hard time accepting anything is wrong with him. Robin said this was the aftermath for her. She said she wasn't able to do anything but deal with it. She said he never would have made it through the pain. Howard said no fucking way. He said he would be on Heroin. He said Robin didn't take any pain killers.
Howard said he got home and found this restaurant he likes called Chloe. He said they have vegetarian food there. He said they have really good stuff there. He said they call to order and they don't deliver anymore. He said another place he likes is closing at the end of the month. He said he must be cursed. Robin said in L.A. She found dozens of meatless restaurants and they were all thriving. Howard asked if it's burning down out there to the point that no one will be able to live there. Robin said they say that this is going to be an annual occurrence there. Howard said when they were there he thought they had fireplaces going but it turns out it was wildfires. He said his friend told him it was the fires.
Howard said he was carrying on about his eyes yesterday. He said his wife even had to say something to him. He said she just told him to get in bed and watch V Wars. He said he was complaining that he couldn't see the screen. He said she told him to go lay down then. He said he was bored and not tired yet. He said he did watch V Wars and got to the end of it. He said he talked about that yesterday. That's the one with Ian Somerhalder. He said he's the only guy who knows how to cure Vampirism. He said he was laying there trying to watch and wast able to see. He said he would never get through cancer just like Robin said. He said he would be complaining about it.
Howard said his wife came to bed at 8. He said he told his wife he had to turn off the TV because of his eyes. He said then she's laying there with him with no TV on. He said everything is a big deal with him.
Howard said Ronnie thinks that everyone is going to party with him but people aren't going to have time for that. He said Ronnie will have the time but not all of his friends. He said the people who will be able to hang out are other retirees. He said Stephanie may not have time to hang out.
Howard said the fans hammered him in the email yesterday. He read through some of that and people were saying if you love someone he should set them free. Howard said he's just trying to make sure he's not making a mistake. Howard said if he is retiring he has to interview people to replace him. Howard read trough a bunch of feedback and people were saying he was being a dick toward Ronnie. There were people who were happy for Ronnie and were laughing at him going nuts yesterday.
Howard said Ronnie claims he got 50 direct messages supporting him. Howard said he's just making sure he's not making a mistake. He said they all have it wrong. He said that's it.
Howard asked if Ronnie has anything to say. Ronnie came in and said that they went through it all yesterday. He said he doesn't get what he wants. He said he tried to explain to him yesterday that he's had enough. He said he's tired. He said if he retires he can't afford to stay there. Howard said he gets that. He said he's just worried and concerned that he's having a great time there and he's enjoying the fame. Ronnie said that's understood. Howard said he sees him having a blast and he's having fun. He said he said to him in the car yesterday that if he does a new contract he may do less shows but he may want to keep his hand in it. Ronnie said he can't afford to stay there if he makes less money. Howard said he would still make money.
Howard said he's thinking that Ronnie is imagining his life being just like it is now. He said his fellow retirees will be in his age group and not hanging around with Stephanie's people. Howard said the younger guys have to work. Ronnie said he's not saying he'll be at their house every day. Howard said he can do the pool for like a half hour. He said that's out of 24 hours. He said he can see him getting into shuffleboard and bocce ball.
Ronnie asked why he should stay there if he retires. Howard said he gets that. He said he's questioning the retirement. Ronnie said he's sick of shoveling snow and the weather there.
Howard said he hopes he has a good time if he does retire. Howard said Robin isn't retiring. Robin said she enjoys her life. Howard said alright. He said Ronnie can leave now. Robin said she's not going to change her life if she enjoys it. Ronnie said she's married to her work. Robin said she does a lot of things. Ronnie said that's fine but don't rain on his parade then. Robin said Ronnie has been active his whole life and now he'll be sitting and doing nothing. Ronnie said they'll see about that. Howard said he knows that he'll be dead in 3 months if he moves there. He said this show keeps him going. Ronnie said don't worry about it.
Howard said he wasn't shocked by what was in the article. He said Alex is very upset about it. He had fake Alex Jones on the phone to talk about it. Fake Alex was punching some of his employees around when he picked up. Howard said the NY Times had an article from a former employee of his. Alex said he's not some PC company. He said they want to tell him how to run his company there. He said he's not going to do that.
Howard said he enjoyed the article and he wants to give him the chance to defend himself. Fake Alex was going on and on defending himself and saying he has the evidence there. He said they're under the vodka bottles there. He said he wasn't able to find it as bottles were bouncing around.
Alex got in some plugs for products he sells on his show. Howard was going to let him go but Alex said they are looking for employees there. He said they have to believe in lizard people and be able to wrestle with him here. He had a PSA that he played for that job position. It went on and on with all kinds of disclaimers.
Howard said he's the only guy who puts out a job like that with a disclaimer that long. Alex got in more plugs for InfoWars.com before Howard let him go. They went to break after that.
Howard said they have some new content up on the SiriusXM app. He said Joe Bonamassa did another song for them. He said he did some stuff for them in the past. Fred said he's known about him since he was about 16. Howard said they asked him to do a couple of tunes and they're fabulous. He said he came in with a keyboard, guitar and some backup singers. He said they just put the songs up. He said he did a song called The Evil Mama. He played some of that and then said he covered a Bonnie and Delaney song. He said they just jammed and it's so good. He said it's on the app. Howard said they have a whole concert section on the app. He said he thinks that's how they break it down.
Howard said check that out and you'll like it. He said Robin may want Joe as her new man. Robin said Ronnie said she's married to her work so she can't take a man. Howard said he said it as an insult but that's not an insult.
Howard said he will try to talk to Fred again tomorrow. He said it never quite works out. He said he has known him like 40 years and it's never worked when they try talking. Robin said she likes the perseverance. Howard said Fred is never going to leave this show. He said he's going to die in that chair with the Ronnie Puppet on his hand.
Howard said he wants to finish the email before they move on. He said people wrote in about Ronnie and what went on yesterday. He said he should mention that Richard and Sal got many positive emails. He said last week he announced his book was number 1 on Apple and Sal and Richard came in to honor him. He said they came in totally nude except for a mic pack. He said they had a congratulatory banner tied to their penises. He said a lot of fans got a kick out of that. He said his book ''Howard Stern Comes Again'' the greatest gift for Christmas.
Howard said this guy Greg Maffei is giving his book to people for Christmas. He said he's one of the higher ups there at Sirius. He said just having the book is a conversation piece.
Howard read through some of the email he got about Sal and Richard. He said Richard smelled so bad when he was in there. He said Gary said it was really bad. He said Richard just didn't care that he smells. He said Richard is 40 something with a kid and a wife. He said the other speculation is that Richard may have fucked his wife and didn't shower. He said Gary said it might have been 2 day old sexual juices. Gary said even if you don't shower for 2 days why would your dick smell. He said the odor was worse than usual. Howard said sometimes he runs and doesn't shower. Gary wondered if he's teaching his kid that hygiene.
Howard said Gary got sick after that last week. Gary said it did start right after he did that. Howard said he probably caught some kind of bacteria. Gary said he got caught off guard. He said he did ingest something. Howard said he did breathe in bacteria. He said on V Wars they spread the vampire thing through smell. He said he had dick throat.
Gary said Will's theory was that it was sex smells. He said there's no reason your dick should smell that bad. He said it was cheesy and musty. He said if Richard ran and didn't shower his whole body should smell. He said this was just his dick. He said Jason had the same issue. He said they were in that air lock outside the studio when they smelled the smell.
Howard read more email about Sal and Richard. He said one of the his highlights of the year were the ways they highlighted his book. He said he's trying to think of what they did. He said he has some clips to play of examples. He said they had the gospel choir come in to sing about it. He played some of that. Howard said that was wild because the whole floor was bouncing.
Howard said Richard and Sal did some stuff. He had a clip of Richard taking champagne in his asshole. Howard said they made a phony phone call to promote the book. He had a clip of the host of the show guessing that it was one of the staff from the show promoting his book. Sal played Howard in that call and spanked Richard when he didn't get the host to plug his book.
Howard said Sal said ''Lower your bridges'' when he had Richard taking his pants down. He said it's britches.
Howard said he has to thank High Pitch Erik for helping promote his book recently. He said they also had a call in where callers had to guess the length of both Sal and Richard's penises. He said Benjy jerked the two of them off on the couch. He played a clip of that where Richard started to get hard when Benjy grabbed him.
Howard said so much better than Michelle Obama's book tour. He said he doesn't care what anyone says. Robin said Benjy was screaming in that clip. Howard said he was more woman than man in that clip. He said he has to write another book. He said they had so many gay hijinks thanks to that book.
Howard said here were so many song parodies about the book. He played a few of those. He said how lucky for Robin to see so much penis during all of that. Robin said it wasn't a lot of penis. She said even between the two of them.
Howard said here was a lot of debate about that woman Kristen who called in yesterday. He said some of the guys thought she came off as arrogant. Howard said some of the fans agreed with him that the guys are intimidated by strong women. He read some of the email about that. Some people agreed with him but some agreed with Ronnie and the guys. Robin said she did stir it up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Richard might smell like sex if he doesn't wipe his dick off after jerking off. He said he's disgusting. Howard said he is funny and disgusting.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he eats a similar diet as Howard does. He said he wondered if Howard gets nervous with everything having soy in it because it has a lot of estrogen in it. Howard said he is kind of worried about that. He said if you watch a documentary about eating meat then you get other stuff. He said there are reports about it all and he worries about everything. The caller said he has a guy who he hired who debunked the Game Changers movie. Howard said he thinks eating less meat is good. He said you don't want to overdo anything. He said who the fuck knows. Robin said it's all a theory.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he takes any supplements or vitamins. Howard said none. The caller said he finds that unbelievable. He said he goes to so many doctors. Howard said he had one who said he should take Vitamin D. He said the other doctor said don't take that. He said he was told to just go out into the sun a little bit. He said he will jump out the window because he doesn't know what to do.
The caller asked if his trainer pushes creatin or anything like that. Howard said not at all. The caller said he gave that stuff to his mother because she was getting weak and old. Howard said a lot of that stuff is fake. He said his parents are on like 50 medications each now. He said he got his mother a pill organizer. He said she has all of these pills now and she didn't want the organizer.
Howard said his mother is in charge of all of their pills. He said you have this organizer and you can keep track of it all. He said he ordered it for his mother. He said he called her to tell her about it. He did an impression of her talking to him about it. He had his father asking ''Who?'' over and over when he asked who is on the phone.
Howard said he had to get his parents moved and he wanted to keep the same number. He said he pulled some strings to make that happen. He said he was waiting for some praise for that but it didn't happen. He said he didn't ask to be born into this world. He said now he has to take care of them.
Howard said he told his mother he got this pill organizer and she said she didn't want it. He said he tried to explain to her what it was. He said he told her it was plastic but nice looking. He said he told her you put your pills in it for the day. He had his parents arguing over the pill organizer not knowing what it does. He told his mother he would go out to see her and show it to her. She asked what time he would come. Howard said he didn't know. They had to know because they have a routine. Howard told her he would leave the city around 3. He said he'll get there around 4 or 4:30. He said they have to eat round that time. Howard asked if they can eat at 4:45 instead.
Howard had his mother asking his father if he can come at 4:30. His father was complaining about the time.
Howard said he worked out that he'd go over there in the morning instead. He said he would come Friday in the morning. He said his mother was saying they have to go food shopping in the morning. He said that's not all day long though. He had his parents discussing what time would be good. He said she puts the things in the cart and Ben pushes the cart. Howard said that's great. He had his mother asking if he was coming alone. He said Beth would be coming. He had his father telling her that they shop Friday morning again.
Howard said he went over Friday morning and brought the pill thing with him. He said he sat down with his mother and showed her the pill organizer. He said she said she didn't need it. He said he told her to just try it out. He said he took it out and showed it to her. He said he opened up Monday and showed it to her. He said she took it and she can't get the lid open. He said she struggled for 3 seconds and threw it. He said she said she can't open it so she's not going to use it. He said just forget about the pill organizer. He said she said they don't like gadgets. He said it's not a gadget.
Howard said they're not using it. He said it's out. He said he was cleaning out his shelves the other day and he turned to his assistant and said they can throw that out. He said he was going to save it for himself because he's sure he'll need it some day.
Howard said he doesn't know why he bothers. He said he used to send fruit to them on a few days. He said he sent his mom flowers but she didn't want them. He did his impression of his mother complaining about him sending her flowers because they had bugs. Howard said he's never heard of something like that before. Howard said he used someone near her and she still complained about the bugs. Howard said the next year he sent her a fruit basket. He said he got the call about that. He said that she complained about the fruit. He did his impression of her complaining about that. He told her to give it to someone else and she said they don't have anyone else.
Robin said this is what Ronnie is going to be like. Howard said that's what he was trying to tell him. Howard did more of his impression of his parents complaining about the fruit. Howard said he's just stopped. He said Beth asked if he wanted to get his mother something for the holiday and he said no. He said he does enough for them.
The caller asked what about if Beth gets them something. Howard said his mother loves Beth so much. He said she was on the cover of something recently and his mother called to tell her she saw her in there. Howard did his impression of his mother talking to him about what a giver Beth is. He had her telling him that Beth is a giver and so is she. He had Ray talking about how gorgeous Beth is and how she has a heart of gold. She was going on and on about Beth and about herself being a giver.
Howard thanked the caller for the call and said he has to get off of this. He said the point was that there is no pill organizer. The caller mentioned there's something called Pill Pack. Howard said he's not doing that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he ever considered a vasectomy. He said he got one himself. Howard said never. The caller said he's still in pain after getting it done last week. He said he has gauze down there and tighty whities holding it all. Howard said no one is fucking with his balls. He said he would not deal well with that.
Robin said someone was telling them they don't have real orgasms after that. Howard said he doesn't like all of that nastiness so he had Fred castrated for when he blows him. He wished the caller luck with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard that Chris Wilding lost his anal virginity. Howard said he'll take a break and get to that. He let the caller go and went to break.
Howard said he was watching Ellen at about 3 in the morning. He said Clint Eastwood was the guest. He said he's 89 years old and it's so depressing. Robin said someone said that Kirk Douglas just turned 103. Robin said he's not taken out very much. She said you have to trot him out every week or so. Howard said let him go push the shopping cart. Robin said he may not be up to that.
Howard said Clint is still directing but Ellen was working very hard. He said that he loves his movies and stuff he's done in his career. He said it's a lot of work to get anything out of him though. Howard said Ellen was talking about how long she's been there and how long Clint has been there. She was telling all of these stories and Clint just paused and said he was there for 40 years. He said his answers were pretty short.
Howard said she was working really hard. He said she needs him back on there. He said Clint Eastwood made that new Richard Jewell movie. He said that guy had everything pinned on him when the Olympic bombing happened in Atlanta. He said he thinks he sued someone and won. Robin said she hopes he got some money if he didn't bomb anyone.
Howard said Kirk Douglas wants to say hi to Robin. He took the call and the guys were playing clips of Crackhead Bob as the voice of Kirk. Robin tried talking to him and asked some questions. The guys were playing Bob answering her with nonsense.
Howard had Sal come in to talk about it. Sal came in and said he is in pain. He said it's still constant pain. He said when it's light it's like someone tapped him in the balls. He said it's like constant pain though. He said it's like a migraine of the balls. He said he's been prescribed some medication. Howard asked what the doctor suggests doing. Sal said they don't recommend having it removed. He said he had to unbutton his pants on the train. He said the doctor said there's nothing you can do. Howard asked if this is the same hair transplants doctor. Sal said they can remove the cyst but they say it can cause more complications. Robin asked if heat is a good pain reliever or anything. Sal said he can just take pain medication like Advil. He said it's more common than you think it is. He said it's in the tube that goes to your pubic area. He said his whole area was bloated and tender.
Richard came in and said that he can rub it if he wants. Sal said no thanks to that. Howard asked if he wants to rub it. Richard said he does if it will feel better.
Howard asked if Richard texted him that he loves him and sent hearts. Sal said he did. Richard said he loves the guy. Howard asked if it will ease the tension back there. Richard asked which nut it is. Sal said it's the left one. Richard went to touch him but Sal said he's in pain.
Sal said he's afraid to jack off. He said the doctor says it won't help or hurt it. Howard asked if he's having sex. Sal said they're good for at least once a month.
Howard said he's not sure he could life the rest of his life with pain in his balls. Sal said they say it can come and go. He said he has light pain right now. He said the doctor said he has to be more aware of it than usual. He said biking isn't a good idea. He said anything that puts pressure there is bad. He said the strain won't affect it. He said the marble in there can cause pain. Howard said Sal has such a big one that he has pain. Sal said he's had it for probably a few years but now it's affecting him. Richard asked if he can feel it. Sal said he can if it gets him out of there. Richard went in to touch it but he had toilet paper in his underpants. Sal said he wraps it like a mummy because he has drippage. Richard said it looks like a Molotov cocktail.
Richard felt the marble in Sal's sack and said he can feel it. Sal said it does hurt a little bit more. Richard was rubbing it. Gary said if someone walked in right now...
Sal told Richard to stop. Richard said he can feel it in there. He said it's like a little BB or something. Howard told Gary to go feel it. Sal told him to suck it out.
Howard took a call from Sal's fake wife. She was saying this is the best news she's ever gotten in her life. She said she never has to fuck Sal again.
Howard said he thinks Sal is exaggerating his 12 times with his wife. Sal said he thinks it's about right. He said they are getting along fine. Howard asked how many times he jerks off. Sal said it's almost every day. Howard said he doesn't have to do it that much. He said he has sex with his wife. He said not as much as Ronnie is. Sal said it's more of a chore to do it now. Howard asked if he has jerked off since he found the marble in there. Sal said not yet. He said he's afraid. He said the doctor shows him a picture of a dick and balls to show him what this is. He said his pants were down and he turns around and he just said ''Wow! I wish I had a dick that size'' and the doctor asked what's wrong with that he has. Howard said he has to watch what he says when he's not on the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that you can get this from anal sex and if you sit the right way you can get it. He said it's like an infection. Sal said he has been tested for Epididymitis and it wasn't that. He said there was no bacteria in the tests they did. He said he is uncircumcised but that's not what caused this. Sal asked if Fred has ever had Epididymitis. Fred said he has not.
Howard said he should let Chris tell the story. He said it happened in Canada. Chris came in and said it wasn't in Canada. He said it was in New York. Howard said he got stuck in Canada with a snow storm. Chris said that's true but it has nothing to do with this.
Howard said Chris has said he's a top in the relationship. Chris said at its best it was like the best parts of taking a shit. Howard asked Robin if that's what it was like for her. Robin said no. She said she didn't think of it like that.
Chris said that story Robin told drove him crazy. He said that she talked about the ease of which she took it. Howard said she was excited and in a bathroom. He said it was hot. He said the whole thing is seedy. Robin said it wasn't. She said it was two young people finding a place.
Howard asked what happened with Chris. Chris said he had met this guy 2 years ago that he hooked up with. He said there was no anal back then. He said there was some 69ing. He said the guy is bigger physically except for his penis. He said he's average. He said this guy came back in town and they rekindled their thing. He said they went back to his place and picked up where they left off. He said they were kissing and sucking and all of that. He said the guy kept trying to get back in that area. He said he would feel the guy tapping on his rear.
Chris said the guy asked if he could do just the tip back there. He said he said okay to that. He said he had a big meal and he wasn't sure what would happen. He said he's very clean back there though. He said he got a condom and some lube. He said the guy wasn't able to do it when he was doggy style. He said he had him lay on his back and then the guy was able to get in there. He said he had his legs over his head. He said it was like trying to land on an aircraft carrier or something.
Chris said he felt some pressure back there and the he was in. He said there was a pop and he was all the way in. He said he was touching his stomach to slow him down. He said it didn't feel terrible. He said it was painful when he did the jackhammer thing. He said when you have a shit inside of you and you feel it poking you. He said that's how he felt. He said he was able to manipulate himself and he came from it. He said he's not sure how he felt about it. Howard asked if he did it more than once. Chris said the guy stayed the night. He said they did it again. He said there was no shit on the condom the first time. He said they were blowing each other after that. He said he did it again the next morning and he came again while getting fucked.
Howard said now Robin has someone to talk to about that. Howard asked who paid at dinner. Chris said they split it.
Howard asked if Ronnie got jerked off when he had that thing in his ass. Ronnie came in and said that he doesn't jerk off. Howard asked what he does. Ronnie said he doesn't cum. Chris said that's even gayer. Ronnie said it's a chick doing it and she's getting turned on by it. Howard said he's out of his mind. Ronnie said she's soaking wet from it. He said that's how he can tell. Howard asked if he's bent over doggy style. Ronnie said yeah. Howard said that can't turn a woman on. Ronnie said now he's a sex expert. He said experiment with his life and try some of this. Howard said no thanks.
Howard asked how long that thing is in there. Ronnie said he doesn't time it. Howard said he just wants an estimate. Ronnie said maybe 3 or 4 minutes. He said they don't time it. Howard asked if he's hard. Ronnie said yeah. He said he doesn't want to jerk off. He said he wants to finish inside her.
Howard asked Chris if that sounds gay. Chris said it is. Howard asked if she jackhammers him. Ronnie said no. Howard asked what he thought of Chris' story. Ronnie said congratulations. He said he's not turned on by it. Howard asked if Ronnie moans when he has that in his ass. Ronnie said sure he does. He said he moans when he cums too. Howard asked if Chris moaned. Chris said he did. He said he has no shame in that. He said Brent gets it up his ass too. Howard said that's right.
Howard asked if Ronnie would let Chris put a dildo in his ass. Ronnie said no way. He said he's not doing anything to Chris either.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she loves fucking her boyfriend in his ass. She said she gets soaking wet from it. Howard said her boyfriend must look different than Ronnie. He said if Beth saw him on all fours she wouldn't get turned on. Chris said he thinks it's anger toward the man that does it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the show is so fascinating. He said he's thinking about the Hillary Clinton interview fans who are tuning in now. Howard said he gets to talk to Hillary but then he talks to Ronnie about taking a rubber dildo up his ass. Ronnie said there's nothing wrong with it.
Chris asked if his ass his looser after doing it. Ronnie said he doesn't do it that much. He said it's just occasionally. He said if they get in the mood they'll do it. Howard asked if he asks for it. Ronnie said they get in a mood on weekends sometimes. He said they have this new thing. He said he got this thing for his birthday that's the Rolls Royce of cock rings. He said it has a vibrator on it and it's rechargeable.
Ronnie got pissed when Shuli came in to ask a question and grabbed his ass. Howard said that they have just anal people in there and Shuli has never done that. Shuli asked what it is that gets them into the anal thing. Ronnie said it's just a mood they get in. He said they have this big black thing that he uses. He said it's the one that has the handle on it. He said there's the other one that straps on. Howard said it's like a parking cone. He said it's black instead of orange. Ronnie said they do it when they're in the mood for other shit. He said he'll pack stuff in his bag when they go on vacation. He said he brings cock rings and stuff.
Howard asked if this is turning Robin on at all. Robin didn't respond. Ronnie said they have this new thing that Stephanie uses and it vibrates her while she's blowing him. He said it's the best thing. He said it's insane. Howard said she gives a good blow job. Ronnie said especially when she has this thing. Howard said he has had women who were bad at blowing him. Ronnie said he's had that too.
Shuli asked how long this lasts. Ronnie said he'll slow down and they'll make it last. Howard said he's a sexual beast. Ronnie said he enjoys it. Howard said it's unbelievable what's going on there. Howard asked when he's going to marry her. Ronnie said they're working on it. Howard asked if he's serious. Ronnie said sure. He said they don't have a date yet. He said he loves her to death. He said she knows it.
Howard asked what he loves about her. Ronnie said they met a long time ago and she was like a kid. He said she was a wild child. Ronnie said that was part of it. Howard asked if he picked her up from school. Ronnie said he did from college. He said she was just finishing college. He said he kept her focused on graduating. Howard laughed. Ronnie said he really did. He said she got a good job for what she went to school for. He said they graduated. Howard said he didn't graduate anything. He said he's not sure that he graduated high school.
Howard said Ronnie has had more stuff up his ass than the gay guy there. Chris said he's gayer than him. Ronnie said he is not gayer than Chris.
Howard asked what he loves about Stephanie. Ronnie said she's sweet and kind and she loves animals. He said she loves them so much. He said she'd die before she'd let an animal die. He said she once picked up a dead cat in the middle of a highway because she didn't want it to get destroyed. He said she likes the same kind of music he likes. He said they have a lot in common. Shuli said they don't like the same music. Ronnie said she does.
Howard asked if they do anal. Ronnie said she doesn't like it that much. He said they have their thing that they do. Ronnie said sometimes she'll be into the anal thing. Howard said what Ronnie says is so true. He said he once saw her get out of the car in the middle of a highway but he thought she was trying to escape Ronnie. He said she ended up saving a cat though.
Howard thanked the guys for their updates. He said good for Chris. Ronnie asked if he'll do it with another guy. Chris said he might but he doesn't want a loose asshole back there. He said they don't stretch back like a vagina. Howard played a song parody about Ronnie sticking stuff up his ass after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was listening and watching the Hillary interview. He said it brought him back to 2016. He said the world we live in now makes him realize that we could have had someone with a head on her shoulders like her. He said what we have now is depressing. Howard said a lot of people were depressed by the interview because it showed how important leadership is and that's what's lacking now according to some people.
Howard said a lot of people are wondering what she's been up to since she left the show. Howard took a call from fake Hillary who thanked him for having her on his show. She said it was an honor to be in there where Sal and Richard wave their dicks around. She said she listened to the interview and she even liked herself better after hearing it. She said she may have voted for herself instead of Donald Trump. She started changing ''Lock me up!'' after that.
Hillary said that she liked when she said ''shit'' on the air. She said she'll puke on Jeff the Vomit guy next time she's in there. She also said she has to throw another woman into her book. She said that would be Howard. Howard said a lot of people gave her a tough time about her coughing on the air. Hillary said she is an older woman so that's a real shock that she was coughing. Hillary had a Christmas song with her coughing the lyrics that she played before she got off the line. She wished everyone a Merry Christmas and said everyone can kiss her pink ass.
Howard said that's a sense of humor. He said she let it all hang out. Robin said that's the new Hillary.
Howard said this boxing promoter Damon Feldman has been on the show. He said he promotes celebrity boxing. He said he thought he had the angry Bagel Boss guy lined up for a fight. He said his name is Chris Morgan. He said that guy was signed to do a boxing match and nothing ever goes right for Damon. He said he had trouble finding an opponent for him. He said Lenny Dykstra dropped out a week before the fight. He said Damon got Dustin Diamond to fill in. He said after all of that Chris didn't show up for the match the night of the fight. He said he posited on social media that he never was going to show up.
Howard said Damon took Chris to Hot Bench to battle it out in court. Howard said they have 3 judges who come up with a verdict. Howard said his name was mentioned during the proceedings. He said he didn't want to be included in that. Howard played a clip of them talking about Damon and Chris showing up on his show. They talked about Lenny Dykstra agreeing to fight Chris.
Howard said in the next clip they state their case. Damon was arguing that Chris knew that this was a celebrity boxing match and not a real boxing match. The Judge had to tell Damon to stop talking. He refused to keep talking.
Howard said guess who won the case. Robin said Bagel Boss guy. Howard said it was Damon. He said he almost got thrown out of fake court. He said that it doesn't sound like they'll be going into business together again. Howard played a clip of their exit interviews where Damon and Chris gave their thoughts on this whole thing.
Howard said nothing was clear there. He said he's not sure if he got money or not. Robin said she was confused there when they said the check wasn't evidence. Howard said it is weird that the guy dropped out at the last minute.
Howard asked JD if he has anything to say about this. JD said Damon was able to prove that he paid Bagel Boss guy all of this money. He said it was like $700. He said he was able to prove that he somehow lost money with the pay per view. Howard said this isn't going well. JD was having a hard time explaining it. JD said he got his 2 grand back. Howard asked how he won when the judge was so pissed off at him. JD said the other two judges came together and agreed he should get a certain amount. JD was having a hard time explaining all of that. Howard said now he knows less. Howard asked if he got the 2 grand back. JD said one of the judges said he should get $700 back. He said the other judges saw something. Howard said he loves when JD explains stuff to him. He said he could listen to that all day long.
Howard said JD went and got a communications degree. He asked if anyone said he should have second thoughts on that. JD said he's not good at that but he is good at some things. Howard asked what he is good at. Gary said he follows politics. JD said he doesn't follow them that close. Howard said he's good at Madden Football. JD said he is kind of. Gary said he's good with fantasy football stuff. He had JD talk about that. JD went into that and was able to speak clearly with that.
Howard said that's not bad. He said at least he got some sentences out. JD said the Hot Bench thing happened a while ago so he can't remember all of the details.
Howard asked JD to tell him why Filet-o-fish is better. JD said he likes fish and he likes fish. He said it has tartar sauce and the bun is very good. He said it goes down easy. Howard said fair enough.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it sounds like he's trying to birth a verbal baby out of his mouth. He said just relax and let it out. Howard said he's thinking of sending JD off to get a masters in communication. He said then he'll be good.
Howard asked JD if he has done more weed. JD said he had a 20mg gummy last weekend. He said it was sort of okay but it makes him sleepy. He said it brings him down. Howard asked if he feels high from it. JD said he just feels a cooling over his body. He said he feels out of it and different but he hasn't experienced a stoner type feeling. Howard said he just has a cool body. JD said yes. Howard said maybe if he tried it he'd feel that way and still function. JD said he'd try something small like that.
Gary said the guys are saying that a 20 is pretty big. JD said he tried watching The Irishman on it but it wasn't entertaining. Howard said he liked that movie but it was kind of weird when they made them all look younger. He said De Niro still moves like an old man. JD said it seemed like everything was way drawn out. Howard said he liked it. Robin said she fell asleep watching it. Howard said he liked it. Robin said she didn't mind it but it took a long time to get to wherever they were going.
Howard said he wants Shuli to stay in there for this. He said he may be able to give them more on this stuff.
Howard said Underdog was on this show and she was asked what she wanted to talk about. He said she had a manifesto about Santa Claus. He said she says we see way too much of him at Christmas time. Howard played a clip of Underdog talking about this false godhood and inconsistencies at this time of year. Underdog said they have many stores showing Christmas merchandise as early as July. She was talking about how the average person can't avoid Santa at that time. She said they even have weight loss programs with Santa in them.
Howard said this gets worse. He said she was calm there. Shuli said she's at like a 2 there. He said every year he asks if he told his kids the truth about Santa. Howard said Suzanne (Underdog) got into her parents after that. He played another clip of Underdog going on and on about what parents do to their kids when they tell them these stories about Santa. She said consider the lyrics to Santa Claus is Coming to Town. She was talking about how those are threats. She said her parents kept behavior charts on her and they were never positive. She said they were all negative. She said she was told Santa kept charts that way. She said she was so bad all year round she had no chance of getting any presents.
Howard said he thinks her parents were pulling their hair out of their heads with her and this was their way of trying to control her. Robin said she thinks it's overboard parenting.
Howard said Suzanne says that her parents were fanatical about telling the truth so she freaked out when she found out they lied to her about Santa. He played a clip where Suzanne talked about that. She was talking about how angry she was when she found out she had been deceived. She said she found out that grown ups were not perfect. She said her parents had been dishonest with her. She was yelling about it at this point. She said her parents had sinned and they denied having lied and had excuses and justifications for that. She said her parents didn't tolerate it when she didn't tolerate what they did. She screamed that stuff.
Howard said it sounds like she's reliving it at this point. Shuli said it's like Kathy Bates in Misery.
Howard took a call from a woman who said there's a fine line between genius and this anger. She said it was kind of compelling. Howard said she makes a good argument about lying about Santa. He said when she was quoting those songs she made some good points too. He said every religion does that. He said the Jewish religion says that God is writing down all of the stuff people did wrong. He said it's Santa and the Jewish God. He said they should get together for a party. He said Suzanne does make a compelling argument.
Howard said Suzanne's parents didn't even want her writing fictional stories. He played a clip of her talking about that. She said the contents had to be 100 percent fact! She screamed that fact part. Howard said he's only seen her get that angry when she can't get her seat belt on. They played a clip of her freaking out about not being able to find the clamp for her seat belt.
Howard said there's a lot going on there. He said some kids never get over things. He said they end up not working and stuff. Howard said she's horrified that people let their kids be held by strangers. He said he's with her on that. He played a clip of Suzanne talking about how odd that is.
Shuli said he's been with her in the car when they drove past her parents cemetery. He said she did a prayer for them when they drove by.
Howard said Suzanne had a dire warning for people. He played a clip where Suzanne talked about the double standards and how there are increasing numbers of statistics and penalties to be paid. She said there are crowds and mobs of people who all have to answer to God with penalties to be paid in this life or the hereafter. Shuli was laughing. Howard said Shuli should be doing monologues as her. He said he should have him talking about renouncing Santa. Shuli said if you play scary music under what she just said it doesn't have anything to do with Santa anymore. Howard had Shuli do his Underdog impression of what she just said. Shuli said he'll do his best. He did his impression and had her talking about all of the lies that her parents told her.
Howard said that's what he's talking about. Howard said see him as Underdog in the Santa Prophecies. Shuli did more of that impression while Howard talked it up like a horror movie promo. Fred had scary music playing as they were doing that.
Howard said he's telling Shuli that's what he should be doing. Robin said he could create this character that's like her but not even Underdog. She said just say what she says. Shuli said he has more coming up for Howard soon. He said stay tuned. Howard said this guy Phil is good. He said he got a lot out of her.
Shuli said he had a good relationship talk with Underdog. Fred played some audio of Underdog singing. Howard said no one taps him for voice over work. He said he likes it. He was talking about his talking up that movie as Shuli was doing the impression. He did it again with Shuli. Howard said it sounds like one of those guys. Robin said it does. Howard kept going with more talk up of the horror movie.
Howard thanked Shuli for that. He said how about that Shuli with that impression. He took a call from Bobo who said after listening to all of this anger he thinks Shuli needs a tag team partner when he goes to visit her. He said it's very, very creepy. Howard said he doesn't want to hear from him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Shuli is a genius. She said he does those great impressions. She said it's amazing and she really enjoys when he's on the show. Howard thanked her for that. He said you don't have to call up and complement him. He said that was actually Shuli's wife.
Howard said he thinks this is Z. He said it's not a boy or a girl but a Z. Z told Howard Z is a part Apache gender fluid vegan activist. Howard said he's not sure what to call Z. Z said he has to stop his patriarchy. Howard said he's just trying to understand Z. Z said Howard can't ask it that. Howard asked what are you. Z told him to stop yelling. Z said it refuses to say what gender it is. Z said call it Z. Howard said he's not sure what's going on. He said Z is angrier than Underdog. Z said it can't believe that it's being yelled at by a Cisgender male again.
Z said call it Z, zim, zer or whatever. Howard asked why Z is there. Z tried to explain but Howard kept cutting Z off. Z kept trying to explain what Z's purpose is. Howard was laughing as Z was explaining. Z said it didn't expect to be attacked there. Howard said he would like Z to tell him what Z talks about on the street. He had some clips to play where Z interviewed people on the street.
Howard played a clip where Z asked someone what they were doing to counteract their white privilege. The guy talked to Z about that and Z just got angry with the guy.
Howard said the guy was trying to say he acknowledges black people and won't have any kids because he doesn't want to bring white people into the world. Z said that's what Howard hears.
Z asked Howard to play another interview. Howard played that clip and Z asked someone to use Z and the proper pronoun for Z. The guy didn't get it right so Z freaked out. Z said that guy was a dick hole.
Howard said he is learning from this. He played more clips and had Z talking to people on the street. He had one clip where a woman said they should be shredding men's testicles and using them for fertilizer.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was going to keep an open mind for Z but they aren't letting Howard speak. Howard said he's making a good point. He asked if Z is a They. Z said the caller can't ask any questions like that.
Howard said he's not sure how to use Z in a sentence. He took another call from a guy who said this is a testament to his patience. He said he's actually able to have this person in the studio. He said this is an example of a person of this generation who can't take a comment. Z asked if he's a Cis White Male. The caller asked how they can ask him that when he's so offended when Howard talks. Z and the caller went back and forth arguing like the caller didn't know this was a bit.
Howard played another clip of Z talking to someone on the street about men and what she thinks they should do with testicles. She said take out all of the feeling of it and feed it to animals that can have children.
Howard asked where Z meets these people. Z said they know where to meet these people. Howard asked if Z agrees that they should take a guy's balls off. Z said it would help. She said a lot of women want to mutilate men's genitals.
Howard played another clip of someone on the street talking about feeding testicles to their dog.
Z said Howard has another clip where a white man apologizes to Z. Howard played the clip and the guy refused to apologize. Z was told they're crazy.
Howard said he's glad he brought Z in. He said his audience is going wild. Howard said he did learn something. He said there's a lot of angry women out there who want to cut a man's balls off. Robin asked Z what good all of this will do. Z said it will level the playing field.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is a case of bad parenting. Howard asked if it's his or Z's. The caller laughed. Z told the guy to shut the fuck up if he's white. The caller told Z that it should have been sat in a corner getting it's ass beat.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Z were to kiss his pee-pee would he be gay or straight. Howard asked Z what it thinks. Z said the guy on the phone is a rapist. Z said just hang up.
Howard said he's fucking amazed. Robin asked why only men called. Howard said he has a woman on the phone. He said Denise is a feminine name. Denise said that she's not sure what happened to her in her past talking about all of this. Howard said what happened out there was outrageous. Howard said he just called Z a He. He said he's sorry about that. The caller said it sounds like Z has a penis. Z went off on the caller saying she sounds like a fucking idiot.
Howard asked if Z is what they call Woke. Z said it's the only one there who is woke. Howard thanked Z for being there today. He said he feels they did learn there are people who want to be known as Z or they. Robin asked how they know without asking. Z said there's a lot of micro-aggression there.
Z said it's no longer feeling safe there so it's leaving. Howard let Z go and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this Z is bat shit crazy. Howard said he's not sure if it's a woman or a man. He said she's Z. The caller said she's speaking crazy. Howard said quiet down because Z is still there in the hall. He said please don't get Z activated. The caller said she didn't know people like that existed. Howard said he was afraid Z was going to kick his ass. The caller said she'd like to know what Z looked like. Howard said he's not sure how to explain. He said he's not sure if he should be attracted to Z.
The caller asked what bathroom Z uses. Howard said he's going to ask Z one quick question about what bathroom Z uses. Z said it's holding it until it gets a better bathroom. The caller laughed. Howard asked if Z is it's last name and Cra is the first name. Z said those are funny jokes. Z went off on the caller and spit on Howard because it had a speech impediment.
Howard said please let him know and he'll get it to the bathroom. Z said it's holding it until it can get something nicer.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks that what her problem is that she needs to get laid. Z said how about it goes to the bathroom on his fucking face. Howard said he thinks he's done now. He let Z go after that. Howard told Gary to get Z a bucket to use for the bathroom.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was confused by that. She asked if that was a character. Howard said that was Z. He said that was no character. He said he's done with Z now. He moved on to news.
Robin said in Finland they have their first female prime minister. She said maybe not the first female but the youngest. Robin said she's 34 years old. Robin said she's put together a coalition and she'll be the Prime Minister and it was interesting that all of the other parties were headed by women. Robin said whatever happened a woman was going to wind up as Prime Minister. She said her name is Sanna Marin and Howard is going to like her a lot. Howard asked if she's the hottest in history. Robin said she would say yes. Howard asked if she's saying she's a hot prime minister. Robin said she thinks she is. Howard took a look and said he knows her gender. Howard said Trump is going to like her very much. He said they should get along. He said she has nicer tits than Winston Churchill.
Robin read a story about Amazon leasing a lot of office space in Hudson Yards. She said they were planning on creating a whole headquarters there in Queens and it would have created like 25,000 jobs or something like that. Robin said because the political leaders were arguing about everything there they pulled out and said forget it. Robin said now they're buying office space in Manhattan and they will employ about 1500 people there. Howard said he loves that because his staff will have somewhere to go if he retires. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about NBC announcing they're investigating the America's Got Talent story where Gabrielle Union said there was a hostile environment there. Robin said they say that Simon Cowell is lawyering up for this. Howard said he just wants NBC to fire him. Robin said he was smoking inside the building and that alone is a violation. Robin said they have very strict rules about that in California. Howard said he's Simon Cowell so he can do what he wants. Robin said that seems to be a violation to her.
Howard took a call from fake Simon Cowell and talked to him about the story for a short time. Howard said he can't wait for them to get Simon. Simon said he's going to make Lady Justice pregnant. Simon had Howard name women and he rated them. Fake Simon had something negative to say about every woman Howard mentioned. Robin said this is ridiculous. She said he's mentioned every woman in the world. Howard kept going naming beautiful women and Simon was bashing all of them.
Robin said they have to get on to a happier topic. Robin said there are new Christmas albums out. She said this one is from Chicago. Howard played some of it and said it's the end of days. Robin had something from Pentatonics too. Howard did his impression of that band with the door slamming sound that Fred uses. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Howard said he's not sure what's going on at America's Got Talent but he hopes they get it taken care of. Robin asked if he would put up with smoking there in the building. Howard said no way. Robin said they have to do an investigation there. Howard said he thinks they're going to get rid of Simon.
Robin read a story about Danny Gokey who was on American Idol. Howard said he can name every winner. He rattled off a few of the real winners and made up some others. Robin had some of Danny's new Christmas album for Howard to play. She had something from Idina Menzel too. Robin had some classics for Howard to play too. Howard said his favorite is Robin's Christmas Duets album. He played some of Robin singing with Miley Cyrus. Robin just wanted to get through the story without hearing that. Howard said he loves that. Robin said Miley's whole life fell apart after recording that. Robin had Howard play a few more Christmas songs from rappers.
Robin read a story about Huey Lewis who lost his hearing. Robin said he has something called Meniere's disease. Robin said Huey said he thought of suicide when he first found out about it. Robin said he says it comes and goes now and he's only been able to sing twice in the past year. Howard said Huey did a cover of a Bowie song for their special last year. He said this might be his last recording. He played some of that performance of ''Lets Dance.'' Howard said he was considering suicide over that. Robin said he was. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel pals around with Huey. Robin said she had dinner with him out in L.A. one night. Howard said she didn't tell him that. He said they go fishing out in Montana too. He said he thinks Jimmy is closer to Huey than he is with him.
Robin asked how good his friends are to him and how close they are and what they can rely on him for. Howard said it's too late in the show to figure that out. Robin said this man wanted his wife killed and he went to a friend to do it. Robin said the woman is a doctor and she had a great insurance policy. Robin said the guy went to a friend and the friend decided to help him out so they're all going to jail. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the guy who invented the ice bucket challenge dying. Robin said Howard did that challenge. Howard said it was for ALS. Robin said his name was Pete Frates. She said he was diagnosed with ALS in 2014 and he decided to raise awareness by doing that challenge. Robin said he helped raise more than $250 million. Howard asked how it raised money. Robin said a lot of people raised pledges. Robin said the money went to the ALS foundation. Robin said he lived for 8 years and he was only able to communicate with his eyes in his last days. Howard asked why that happens. He said he was a great guy.
Robin read a story about a rapper by the name of Juice Wrld passing away. Robin had an example of his music for Howard to play. Robin said they're doing a toxicology test to figure out the cause of death. Robin said he was rushed to a hospital after having a seizure at an airport. Robin said he was pronounced dead that morning. Will said that they're saying he took a bunch of Percoset before he died. He said that's according to the Daily Mail.
Robin read a story about Ellen doing a giveaway for her fans. Howard asked why they don't do that. He said he's sure they could do that. Robin said Ellen gives life changing gifts to fans of her show.
Robin read a story about Jerry Nadler announcing the impeachment inquiries against Donald Trump.
Robin read a story about an IG report about the investigation into the FBI investigation into him. Robin said the IG report said there was on wrongdoing in the FBI investigation. Robin said it was a totally appropriate investigation. Robin said the president is still saying they were attempting to overthrow the government. Robin said this is why they can't get anywhere. She said people won't let facts be facts.
Robin read a story about a volcano that erupted in New Zealand. Robin said there are some dead and missing. She said the missing are cruise ship visitors. Robin said they say that you're not supposed to go into that region so they're investigating that.
Robin read a story about the Golden Globe nominations being announced yesterday and no woman was tapped in the Best Director category. Robin said there were many movies directed by women and they weren't nominated. Robin said they couldn't believe that not one was nominated. Howard said Betty Thomas directed his movie Private Parts and she was ignored by the Golden Globes too. He said it's true.
Robin read a story about how it's Time Magazine's person of the year time. She asked who it will be. Fred said the climate girl maybe. Howard said that's Greta Thunberg. He said he's trying to think but nothing's happening. He said he's done a lot of thinking already. Robin mentioned some of the names that are being thrown around. She said it might be Jamal Khashoggi or some other people. Gary said someone said it should be the Whistleblower.
Robin read a story about Christmas and what people are supposed to get for ''her'' for Christmas. Robin said Gwyneth Paltrow is saying that she recommends a vibrator. Robin said she says if someone is afraid to give that to you then gift yourself. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about how 4 hours from now they'll be going home. He said he has to fill up 4 hours. He said he said to his friend the other day that his work is like painting. He said this is a friend who paints with him. He said he has to fill the radio waves with 4 hours of material. He said he's staring at his canvas waiting for inspiration. He said it will happen.
Howard said he can begin with this. He said they have a guest coming in today. He said they've been there before. He said it's Will the Farter. Robin asked how old he is now. Howard said he wants to say he's 40. Gary said he is 40. Robin said he's still farting. Howard said when Will was born he forgot that he was born without an anus. Robin forgot about that too. She said she remembers this now. Howard said the doctors had to build an anus for him and they made him a better human being than even God can do. He said he can fart at will. He said Will is coming in and he's so honored. Robin said when he said he's 40 she was thinking about Tom Brady who is working well into his 40s. Howard said it is amazing that he can still do it.
Howard said Will flew in and he's so excited about his book, Howard Stern Comes Again, being number 1 that he wanted to come in and do something for him. Howard said he's not even sure what they're number 1 in on Apple. He said Will wants to give him a 21 fart salute. He said he's really excited about this. He said he loves when he does it. He said it always makes him smile. He said Gary will be holding the microphone and wearing a gas mask they got for him to wear.
Howard said he's thinking of buying the rights to his life because of that anus thing. He said it's a great origin sorry. He said they take this baby and build him an anus. He said he'll be able to fart at will. Robin said his name is Will too. Howard said they name him Will because he can fart at will. He said then he's 40 years old and having guys jerking off to him.
Howard said Will is the $5 million ass. Robin said it's the $5 ass. Howard said he loves that he's coming in. He said it's crazy that they can build an anus.
Howard said there's a man who was born without testicles and doctors gave him a transplant from his twin. He said that has to be a very limited kind of thing but they know it only works on twins. He said he's so glad he doesn't have a brother. He said he's not going to give anyone his balls. Robin said the guy is 36 so he waited a long time to get a ball. Howard said it's wild. He said twins creep him out anyway. He said he and his sister get along fine. He said she doesn't want attention and he gets it all. He said he couldn't deal with a brother.
Howard said he knows so many people who have brothers and they can't stand them. He said they used to beat them up or whatever and they hate them. Robin said the Property Brothers get along. Howard said he has no idea who they are. Robin explained who they are. Howard said twins creep him out. He said they look alike and dress alike and now these two guys cum alike.
Robin asked if the operation is complete. Howard said he thinks so. Jason said that it is complete but they're not sure if it's working yet. He said that he wasn't producing testosterone so that's why they did this. He said he's at normal levels at this point. Robin said hey were probably giving him testosterone. Howard read another story where they gave a soldier genitals after he lost them in an accident. Howard said that's a great hospital. It was Johns Hopkins.
Howard said he's so glad he doesn't have a brother. He said he'd have to look at him and think that's how awful he looks. He said he went out to dinner with a guy last night and he was telling him he's a really good looking guy. He said he knows he's not so he told him to shut up. He said Robin knows this guy. He said he wasn't right. Robin said maybe he really thinks that way.
Howard said there are a lot of creeps hanging out down there. He said there are so many degenerates around the city. He said especially down in the subway. He asked why anyone would want to go down there unless you had to. He said he feels very free when he's in the car with Ronnie. He said he struggled making ends meet and he finally got to make a couple of bucks at WNBC. He said they used to have to drive his old jalopy before that. He said he's glad he has a car service now. He said he has no idea where he is when he's driving around.
Howard said Richard told him about a guy who had his pants down in the subway this morning. He said Richard is a degenerate too.
Howard said he was in Florida for Thanksgiving and they have two networks that air that parade. He said they keep it family friendly but on CBS this woman was talking about the Afflack Duck float. He said that's a commercial. He said they had a float there and this woman got all excited and said ''Al-fuck'' instead of Afflack. He played a clip of that fuck up. He played it a second time. The woman got the name right the first couple of times and then said ''Al-fuck.''
Howard said this year they showed footage of last years Ronald McDonald float because it had a hole in it this year. Robin said that's stupid. Howard said they showed video from last year. He said they weren't able to get the float together. He said they should just do that every year.
Howard said Steve Nowicki said he took the subway and there was a big shit streak on the seat next to him. He said you know it'll be there for days.
Howard said Al Roker is one of the cleanest working guys on TV. He said he said a terrible thing on the air. He said he said something that rhymes with fuck. He said he got reprimanded by Savannah Guthrie after that. Howard said Savannah was very upset. He played a clip where Al was joking about how these hockey pucks were telling him to get out of there so he was going to get the puck out of there. Savannah told him that this is a family friendly show. Howard said he hung out with her at a party one night. He said she's fun. He said she knows how to party down if you know what he's saying. He said like he knows how to party down.
Howard said Hoda was talking about a parade float from Dragon Ball Z and she mentioned a character and she said ''cock-a-rot'' instead of the right name. He played that clip. Howard got a laugh out of that one.
Howard said on Thanksgiving if you weren't watching the parade you were probably watching the High Register Sean Periscope. He said he calls into the show a lot. He said he gave a warning to people who cook turkey outside saying that it can attract hungry dog men. He played a clip of Sean talking about that.
Howard said he's making the dog man out to be like Yogi Bear. He said they're going to steal your picnic basket. Howard played more of that and asked if that guy is for real. Robin said she hopes not.
Howard said he had tips for people who drive home at night. He said they might get run off the road at night. He played audio of Sean talking about that. He suggested carrying bear spray and urinating around your property. He had tips for driving home at night too. He had suggestions for what to carry with you in the car. Howard said he's in a car so no dog man is going to run him off the road.
Howard said he's impressed with the quality of his Periscope. He said he sounds much better than Jeff the Drunk.
Howard said no one has ever been run off the road by a dog man. He said he's treating it like they're deer. Robin said it's like it's going to happen to you so you have to take these precautions. Sean was talking about bringing food, flashlights, flares and a couple of knives with you. He said you should have a machete in there too. Howard said if he's right you'd better be prepared. Robin said you have to have every lighting device available.
Howard said every time he has talked to Sean he has only seen dog man shit. He said he thinks any shit he sees is from a dog man.
Howard said he should write a book about public speaking. He said his next book will be about that. He said just look at the shitheads out there. He said he does not like public speaking.
Howard said he did that Joan Rivers eulogy. He said he has winged it a couple of times. He said his wife had a charity event and he said a few words. He said he didn't prepare. He said it was fine. He said he sat down and thought about what he should have talked about. He said you should map out a plan. The caller said he did that. Howard said pee around the perimeter of the building. He said dog men love a large audience.
Howard said he started with a joke with the Joan Rivers thing. He said he did say that she had a very dry vagina. He said the crowd loved that. He said talk about vagina when he gets up there. He said bankers love that.
Howard said he's trying to think about a banking joke. The caller asked if he has any jokes about the Jets or Giants. Robin said he knows more about sports than he does about banking.
Howard had some suggestions for this guy to do at the event. He had some banking jokes that he could use. He had the guy going into a Seinfeld impression too. Howard told the guy he can open with a joke about how the Jews run the banks. The caller said he'll call back in on Monday when he needs a job.
Howard said you have to know what you want to tell the audience. He said don't go on and on and bore the piss out of the audience. He said you have to be succinct. He said there are people who don't know they're bores and they don't know to get off stage. He said they don't hear themselves and they walk around all year and get on stage and go on and on.
Howard said there are guys who get up at a wedding and go on and on. He said it's 25 minutes and you just want to hang yourself. Robin said she has seen experts get up and read from the paper. Howard said don't read either. The caller said he has to keep on time so he wants Fred's sound board to play people off. Howard said this guy is full of personality. He said they picked the right guy.
Howard gave him another lame banking joke. He told the guy that he should just follow what he said and don't be a bore out there. He said end with your biggest joke. He said you know what that is. He said you turn to the bankers and say if money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? The caller laughed. Howard did a few more lame bank jokes for the guy.
Howard let the caller go after that. He said that was Mike the Banker. Robin said they have to do something about his attitude. Howard said he really does think like that. He said there is no one there he should be intimidated by. He said it works like a charm.
Howard said he just talks when he gets out there. He said he doesn't concentrate on any one person.
Howard said the best public speaker in the world is Dave Chappelle. Robin said he has an off day once in a while. She said she didn't like the last two specials. Howard said he has to shut her down on that. Robin said there are people who agree with her. Howard said wow. He said come on. He said she might be a Dove but she's wrong about that. Robin said the first two were great but the last two were not. Howard said she's wrong.
Howard told another lame banking joke. He had lame jokes that had nothing to do with banking too. He said that's how you kill at a banking convention. He said if he was there he wouldn't talk about banking at all.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to have High Register Sean on more. He said that's crazy stuff. Howard said he likes when he says you have to pee around the yard. He said think about how ridiculous that is. He said dog men are afraid of pee.
The caller asked if Shuli ever went on that camping trip with Sean. He said they listened to the show that day when he talked about that. Howard said he's going to let this out. He said next week they have a show planned where they will have Sean in to play Hollyweird Squares. The caller didn't sound that excited about it. The guy said he'll be listening down in Florida. Howard said he thought that was going to be exciting for the guy but he just gave him an ''Oh boy.'' Howard said they have the weirdest audience. Robin said this is the age of morons. She said our leaders are morons and our listeners are morons.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he didn't hear the whole segment but that gender activist was making him so angry. Howard said he did tell Z to fuck off. He said a lot of people wrote in about Z. He read some of that feedback. He said a lot of people had a negative reaction to Z. The caller said he wanted Howard to tell Z to shut the fuck up.
Howard said he wasn't able to tell if Z was a man or a woman. Robin said she was trying to find a clue. The caller said it seemed like it was a female. Howard said Z wouldn't sign a release to go on TV. He said that he's trying to put a picture out though. Robin said she was confused by the whole thing. Howard read more about Z and let the caller go. They went to break after that.
Howard said it's depressing and speaking of depressing Jeff the Drunk is on the phone. Howard took his call and Jeff brought up Hollyweird Squares. Howard said he didn't want to mention they were doing it but it came up. He said they came up with a bunch of people they could have there for the game. He said the guys held up the pictures in the squares. He said he picked who he wanted in and out. He said he got to be a casting director. He said Jeff's picture was up but they eliminated him pretty quickly. Jason came in and said that it was worse than that. He said Jeff's picture didn't even make it. Howard said they did have his picture but it was eliminated right away.
Howard said they had Jeff up there for the Wack Pack Conclave and he showed up high and didn't talk. He said he fell asleep during the show. Jason said when he came out of it the game was over.
Howard said Jeff was out before Bobo. He said it's bad. Howard said Jeff just isn't good on the air. Jeff said he wants him to get upset now. He said he just said he's terrible. Howard said that's not what he said. Jeff said that's what he hears. He said he heard him saying that he's terrible and an asshole. Howard said he just said he's a bore. He never said he's an asshole. Jeff said that's how he felt. Robin said that has nothing to do with his feelings. She said that's not listening, that's feelings.
Howard said they have a great lineup for Hollyweird Squares. Jeff said good for you. He said they probably don't have many show listeners in the squares. Robin said they should be listening.
Howard said maybe he'll mention who is in the lineup. Jason said that would be great. Howard said don't fuck it up. Howard said he has the list there. Jeff asked if he can announce them. Robin said no.
Howard said in the top row they have Nikki Glaser in the top left. He said next to Nikki they have Jackhammer. He said that's a big get. He said they have Ross Mathews next to Jackhammer. Robin didn't know who that was. Howard said he's Ross the intern.
Howard said on the left hand side in the middle they have Lenny Dykstra. Robin said ''Oh no!'' Howard said in the center they have Wendy the Slow Adult. He said next to Wendy is Sour Shoes. Robin said they're getting Sour Shoes in there?
Howard said on the bottom they have Mark the Bagger. Robin said she's looking forward to that. Howard said next to Mark they have High Register Sean. He said next to Sean is Alex Jones. He said if Sour doesn't show up they will have Bill Cosby sitting in.
Howard said Jeff didn't make the cut. He said in the old days he would have. He said he was thinking back to the old days and Jeff was good. He said they have to plan for Jeff. He said they had a one armed girl on the show and they were going to have Jeff play her in Ping Pong. He said they were going to have her play against Jeff's bad arm. He said it's a lot of work and that didn't happen.
Jason said Jeff used to show up on the show drunk and now he shows up sober. He said he takes edibles now and that knocks him out. Howard said Jeff begs to come on the show but then he comes in and falls asleep on the show. He said he wasn't able to lift his head that day. Jeff said they took away his dynamite which is alcohol. Howard said he can't have that. Robin said Mark the Bagger doesn't need that. Robin said Wendy gives every time. She said she doesn't need anything.
Jeff said he's never going to ask anyone to buy him beer. Jason said that's not the point. Jeff said he's never begging them for money. Robin said he's missing the point.
Howard said Brent and Katelyn backed out when they heard that Jackhammer was coming. He said they said they didn't care but then they backed out. Jason said they wanted to have Katelyn and Jackhammer in the same square but that didn't work for them so they changed it and then they backed out completely.
Shuli came in and said that Jeff never comes through. He said today his topic was going to be about how he had never seen Home Alone. Howard asked if that's true. Jeff said it is. Jason asked what they're supposed to do with that. Jeff said goodbye to them. He said Merry Fucking Christmas and Fuck You. Howard said he's trying to talk to him and he's freaking out. Jeff said they're all piling on him so fuck you. Howard said let him talk. Jeff dropped the phone so it sounded like he hung up.
Howard said Jeff called asking who is in Hollyweird Squares. He said he told him why he's not in it. He said he fell asleep last time he was on the air. He said Jeff called in about Home Alone so he's trying to work with him on that. Jeff said he has different shit to say. Howard said he's trying to talk to him. Jeff was yelling about it all.
Howard asked Jeff how it makes him feel that he's never seen Home Alone. Jeff said he had no thought behind it. He said it's just funny that he's never seen Home Alone but he's home alone all the time. Howard asked Jeff if he's seen any of the other Macaulay Culkin movies. Jeff said no.
Howard said Jeff and his mom used to watch Christmas movies together. Howard asked if there are other movies he hasn't seen that they can work with. Howard said what they have figured out is that he's seen all of the major ones but not Home Alone. Jeff said never. Howard said that was released around 1990 and he's had almost 30 years to watch it. He said this is interesting. Robin told him to stop it. Howard asked if he saw Scrooged. Jeff said he has. He said he has seen Miracle on 34th Street. Shuli asked if he's seen Elf. Jeff said he has. They asked about a bunch of other movies and Howard wondered how Home Alone slipped through the cracks. He said this is going to keep him up at night.
Howard said Jeff should call in every year with this story. He said they can make it a tradition. Jeff said there was no thought behind all of this. Howard said they know. Shuli said Jeff is doing this thing with his voice that makes it sound like he's a record playing backwards. He did an impression of that for Howard. He made it sound like the record was playing backwards and then he goes ahead with his comment. Jeff said he noticed that no comedian says that they're a comedian more than Shuli does. He said his daughter's first words were ''I'm a comedian.'' Jeff repeated the joke and Howard said he got that. He said he's roasting him now. Shuli said he's never had the fire department pick him up nude in the bath tub like Jeff has. Jeff said he wasn't nude when he fell but then he remembered he was. Shuli did an impression of him saying that with the backward record thing.
Jeff has been nude in the shower and had to be picked up more than once and he didn't know which time Shuli was talking about. Howard said they show up and there's this naked guy that they have to pick up. He said he's all out of shape and fat. He said his cock and balls are out and they have to pick him up. He said you can imagine what they're talking about after that. He said they're talking about how awful that is. He said it's not even part of their job. Robin said they have to slip into their outfits and slide down the pole to get to Jeff's house. Howard said they're not supposed to be rescuing a guy in the tub. Howard asked why they called the fire department. Shuli said he was on Periscope and people called for him. Jeff said he was on Scope and he yelled for help so they called for him. Shuli had to translate what he just said. He did it with that backward record impression again.
Howard took a call from fake Arnold who was asking if Jeff ever saw Jingle All the Way. Jeff said he never did and he never will. Arnold said fuck you to Jeff. Jeff said he'll never see it but then he said he did like Terminator. Howard hung up on Arnold and let Jeff go too. Jeff said he'll talk to them next week. Shuli did more of his impression of Jeff before they let him go. Jeff asked where his fucking puppet is. Howard thanked him again. Jeff said he wants a white beard. Howard hung up on him.
Howard said he thought it was funny going with the Home Alone premise. Shuli said he's never seen him work so hard. Howard said he's so exhausted he has to go home now.
Robin said wow to that. Howard took a call from Erik who said he's not gay. He said that was his baby elf though. Howard said Erik is not gay though. Robin said he just wants to strap his little elf to him like a baby. Erik said he bought Chris a wedding ring. Howard asked if he wants to propose to him. Erik said something that got cut off. Howard asked if he knows what Erectile Dysfunction is. Erik said he doesn't know. Howard said he doesn't have it does he? Erik said that's when you get hard. Howard asked if that's what he really thinks it is. Erik said that's what he heard. Erik said an old friend told him that. Howard said he thinks some of these friends are goofing on him. He said they're not being straight. He said it's when guys can't get hard. Erik said he didn't know that. Erik said he learns so much from him. Howard said he tells him the truth. Erik said he doesn't have it after that phone call. Robin asked if he has it with women. Erik said yes.
Howard said just say you're gay. Erik said for Chris he is. Howard asked if he heard that Chris took it in the ass. Erik said he did hear that. He said he's not happy about it. Howard asked if he's jealous. Erik said he is. He said it's like he cheated on him. Howard asked if he could get hard and put his penis in his bottom. Erik said if he came to his house without a camera yes. Shuli asked if he can monitor it. Erik said yes. Howard said Shuli has his next assignment. Howard asked if he would let Chris put it in his backside. Erik said yes. Shuli asked if he would put his tongue in Chris' ass. Erik had him repeat that. Erik said that's gross after he heard it. He said he's not going to do a bunch of other things. Howard said it sounds like a one sided relationship.
Chris came in and said that he would like to fuck on the air. Chris asked if he wants to eat his ass. Erik said he'll French him on the couch. Erik asked him to kiss his chest and tickle his nipples. Chris talked dirty to him again and Erik was talking about marrying him to keep him in the U.S.
Howard said some caller jerked off to Chris' story on the Wrap Up Show. He played a clip of the guy calling in and talking about how he jerked off to the segment with Chris taking it in the ass.
Chris said he wouldn't marry a guy who won't eat out his ass. Howard said they can't let Erik fuck him in the ass on the air but they were just given the word that he can do that today. He took a call from fake Jim Meyer who said they're letting it happen just this one time. He said this is going to put radios in those mother fucking cars. Jim had trouble hearing Howard over the construction they were doing there.
Howard said he has to get going. He said he has the 21 Fart Salute coming up. Erik asked if he can come in next week. Howard said they're pretty booked up next week. Erik said maybe when they come back.
Shuli said that Erik told him he bought more police lights for his car. Howard said he's going to do so much jail time when they arrest him for that. Erik said when he sees a police car he turns them off. Robin asked if he's running around with them on. Erik said not all the time. Shuli said he does it when he wants to get through traffic. Howard asked why he's in such a rush. He said he turns on the lights and people move out of the way? Erik said they pull over to the right. Chris said he better stop that. Erik said he's going the speed limit now. He said he doesn't speed now.
Shuli said Erik wanted to drive from New York to Florida. He told him not to. Howard said if Erik is doing that with the police lights then everyone is going to want to do it. Howard said he can't do it. Erik said these lights go on his sun visor. He said they're not on his windshield. He said they can't be seen. He said when they're on the sun visor he can pull it down and they can be seen. Howard said that's why people are pulling over. He said they think the police want to get through. Shuli said he has a big badge in the glove box too.
Howard said that there's no reason or him to rush. Erik said he has to get to Shuli's comedy show. Shuli said Erik didn't know the complete ''Practice makes perfect'' line so he had to tell him what it was.
Howard said they have a game to play. He said they asked Erik a bunch of Christmas songs and if he could fill in the blanks. He said they played this clip and asked Erik if he knows the next word. He played ''All I want for Christmas is my...'' and Robin said she thinks he'll know that. Howard played the clip and Erik said ''My present'' instead of My Two front Teeth.
Howard played ''The weather outside is frightful but the fire is so...'' and Robin said he won't know that. Erik actually did know it was delightful.
Howard played ''God rescue Mary...'' and Robin said he won't know that. Erik didn't know it and said ''Christmas.''
Howard said you never know what you'll get with Erik. He played ''Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your heart be...'' Robin said Erik won't know that one. Howard played the clip and Erik said the next word was ''sweet and kind.''
Howard said he can't believe Erik is using police lights again after he lectured him about it. Erik said he can't help it. Erik said he's in a rush to go somewhere. Shuli asked where he had to go last. Erik said he had to go see the weatherman he has a crush on. He said that's Lonnie Quinn from CBS. Howard said all of his crushes are on men. Erik said he had to go to BJs and get some stuff on sale. Robin asked why he has to rush there? Howard said Erik always has a crush on weather men.
Howard played ''Have a holly jolly Christmas it's the best time of the...'' and Robin said he will know that one. Erik did know that one.
Howard played ''Dashing through the snow in a one horse open...'' and Erik knew that one too.
Howard said he has to get to the 21 Fart Salute. He said he has to let Erik go. Howard said if he gets rid of his police lights maybe Chris will make out with him on the couch. Chris said he's not going to reward him for not doing something illegal. Howard said he has to stop with the lights. Shuli said he told him that he never shaves his bush. Chris said it must be matted. Erik said he can shave his pubic hairs.
Howard said Sal is back there saying that he got an amazing massage from Erik. Shuli said he did. He said he did a poker tournament a coupe of weeks ago and Erik showed up. He said he told Erik to be the massage guy. He said people were buying them from him. He said Sal got one. Sal came in and said it's like the best massage he ever got. He said he has those big meaty hands. Howard asked if Erik is attracted to Sal. Erik said no. Howard said Sal would let him fuck around with his penis. Shuli said he's lying because he did say he wanted to lay in the bed with Sal. Erik wasn't interested today.
Howard said he has the Panamanian guy who fucked Chris in the ass on the phone. He said he doesn't want Erik near Chris. He took the call and one of the guys in the back did the impression of the guy going off on Erik about staying away from Chris. Howard said this is like a soap opera. Erik was getting angry at the guy and sounded like he was about to threaten him.
Howard said he has a cop on the phone named Tommy. He took the call and Tommy said that he called a month or two ago about the PBA cards. He asked what color his lights are in the visor. Erik said they're blue and red. Tommy asked where he's getting them. He said you need a license to buy them. Erik said he gets the from Amazon and they ask what color you want. Tommy asked if they ask what his agency number is. Erik said no. Tommy said impersonating a police officer in New Jersey is a felony. He said that sticks with you forever. He said depending on how you do it if they find a badge and a fake gun he's in some serious trouble. Erik said he doesn't carry the gun around. Tommy said impersonating is a big deal. Howard said when he goes to Blue Bloods he has the gun with him. Tommy said it doesn't matter. He said they're going to find it if they search the car.
Gary said there is a shocking amount of these lights available on Amazon. Howard said if anyone should have them it should be him. He said he has important things to do. Erik said Ronnie should have them. He said he has every right to order them. Robin said he doesn't have the right to use them. Howard said this lecturing does no good. Tommy said this is number 2 that he's calling in on. He said he told him that the PBA cards aren't going to do him any good if he gets in trouble for impersonating. He said if he's running lights what's the next thing, a siren? Erik said he's not getting a siren. That's where he draws the line.
Howard asked why he's not getting one. Erik said he has been researching them. He said the sirens are fake. He said they're hard to install. Tommy said they have to be hard wired into it. He said the lights are easy to install.
Howard said on Blue Bloods they take your ID to get a gun prop. He asked how Erik got that one. Erik said he bought his off of Amazon. Shuli said they're not going to let him leave the set with that. Erik said he has his own holster for it too. He said he got it all on Amazon. Howard said he has to go. He said he has the 21 fart salute. Tommy said he loves Shuli's Elephant Boy impression. Howard said he doesn't go to that a lot. Shuli said he was singing in the shower and doing that impression. Howard asked to hear that. Shuli did his impression of Jeff the Drunk, Tan Mom, High Pitch Erik, Elephant Boy and Underdog singing ''Helplessly Hoping.'' He had Howard and Robin cracking up. Howard said that's beautiful. Tommy said his Elephant Boy is the best.
Howard said he thinks Elephant Boy stopped coming on the show after Gary said he didn't wipe very well when they did Prostate Karaoke. Gary said he wasn't happy about that but he has heard from him. He said he's still around. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Will the Farter came in and flew in from somewhere. Robin said he lives out in the middle of the country somewhere. Howard said he looks pretty ripped today. He asked if he put on some muscle. Will said he started working out like 2 years ago. He was wearing a punisher t-shirt.
Howard said Will contacted them. He asked Gary where his gas mask is. Gary put it on. He was a little muffled. Howard said he likes he keeps hitting the mask with the microphone. Gary moved the microphone around until he found a good sound. Howard said it looks like a real gas mask.
Howard said he always forgets about Will. He said Will contacted him because his book went to number 1 on Apple. He said the publisher just told him about it and said he can announce it himself. He said he felt kind of deflated. He said Will flew in for this. Will said he took the train from Maryland. He didn't fly. Howard said that's still very generous of him to offer. He said he's a professional farter.
Howard said Will was just flown overseas to do a show. Will said this guy has known him like 13 years or so. He said this guy loves his farts. He said the guy just recently came out. Howard said a lot of gay guys like him because he does gay phone sex. Howard said Will is straight but he makes money doing cam work for gay dudes who jerk off to him yelling at them. Will said his name on here is Brutal Master. Howard asked if the guy who flew him to the UK wanted him to fart. Will said he went out there and the guy knows he's not gay. He said it was an enjoyable trip. He said he paid for his plane fare and had him out for 3 days. He said he'd never been there before. He said he got to stay at his house. He said it was a nice house.
Howard asked what he did for the performance. Will said he told James he had a fart coming on and the guy got up and he tripped and fell into his ass. He said this is before he even farted. He said he went nose first into his ass. He said he thought that was hysterical. Howard asked why he wants to smell his farts. Will said there's a fetish for that. He said he did a couple of sessions that lasted like 20 minutes.
Will said he had his leg around the guy's chest at one point and he had never felt a heart rate that fast before.
Howard asked what happens when he goes through customs and they ask what he's doing here. Will said he told them that he was there to visit a friend. He said he had a phobia about going over there but he had to break it.
Howard asked how much he made going over there. Will said he made $1550. He said the plane ticket was only 400 bucks.
Howard asked what the guy can do like smell his gas? Will said they do that. He said he did an event for kids once. He said he was there doing it for like 2 hours. He said the kids were like 8-10. He said they all enjoyed it. Will said he never talks to his neighbor but he was out getting the mail and she said to him that her kid is a big fan. He said she asked for his autograph.
Howard asked if he's able to do what he does because he was born without an anus. Will said yes. Howard said he was born without an anus at all. Will said he had no opening at all. He said he had a colostomy bag for like a year or more. He said a doctor said he could give him an asshole. Howard asked if he's in touch with them at all. Will said he has no idea who they are. He said his mother might know.
Will said about a year or two ago he had issues where he would bleed out of his ass for no reason. He said he can still fart but his powers may be waning. He said he may have a fissure or something down there. He said he was bleeding down there. Howard said if he loses his powers he can't have him on the show. Will said if he has a colonoscopy he may have issues. Howard said he can't lose his powers.
Gary asked why he hasn't done anything in a year. Will said he doesn't want to go. He said he thinks if he was sick he would feel it now. Gary said this is how people die. Will said he knows. Howard said there are people who end up dying because they don't go to the doctor for something like that. He said he should get it checked. Will said he should. Howard said his hemorrhoids could be like his Kryptonite. Howard said they can't lose him because he's like one of their best guests.
Howard said he's got some life story. Will said that he wants to write a book. Howard said he wants to option it. Will said his life makes no sense at all. Howard said he'll give him the number for Jonathan Karp. He said he's the guy who published his book. He said he's going to want his book. Howard said he will make a great movie about his life too. He said he will have him go to Vegas instead of going to the doctor for his bleeding ass. Howard asked if Robin would see that movie. Robin said she would.
Robin said she didn't know he was bleeding. Howard said Netflix isn't going to get this. He said everyone will be able to bid on this movie. He said there's gold in that anus. Will said he thinks so too.
Will said the thing he hates is that he feels like a 5 year old when he comes in there. Howard said he does pull down his pants and fart so he gets that.
Howard said that guy who hired him to do a kid's party is smart. He said it's better than a clown.
Howard said this is great that he came in to do this 21 Fart Salute. Howard said the book was number 1 on Apple but the publisher didn't want to do anything special for him. He said he has to do it himself. He said Will is going to do this 21 Fart Salute by laying on his back on a table. Will said he's going to suck the air in his asshole and fart it out. He said he can suck it in and blow it back out. Robin asked how he discovered it. Will said he bent over and noticed that it would happen after he took a hot shower. He said it happened without him controlling it. He said he would show his mom's friends and they looked at him like he was crazy. Howard asked if his ex-wife gets his fart money. Will said they get along but no.
Howard asked what he wears to a kid's party. Will said he thinks he did powder farts and blew darts out of his ass. Howard said you have to be careful doing all of that.
Howard said this is in honor of his book Howard Stern Comes Again. Will warmed up and sucked in some air and then blasted it out. Then he did the 21 Fart Salute to Howard's book. Fred played a military clip calling for the shooting. Will was blasting out a ton of farts. He lost count so he just kept going.
Howard was laughing as Will was blasting away. Howard asked if he has been better. Gary said he thinks they're at 21. Will said he has one more. He sucked in more air and blasted out a few more big ones. Then he pulled a muscle in his neck. He said he does that occasionally.
Howard asked if he has put in 10,000 hours of this. Will said probably. Howard said he has to stay in shape to do this. Will said he does. He said you have to have your core in shape.
Howard said this is great. He asked if he can help him promote something. Will said that he has a YouTube channel called The Bakey Factor. He said that's his fart channel. He said that's where his content is. He said he's trying to get that monetized. Howard asked what people have to do. Will said he needs a certain amount of subscribers to get it monetized. He also wanted to throw in his email address which was TheBakieFactor@gmail.com
Howard asked about how the apartment burned down. Will said he went out and a candle had re-lit itself and he went out for like 20 minutes and it burned out. Howard said he has done it again and honored him again with this. He played him off with a song parody with a ton of wet farts in it to the tune of a Metallica song. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who asked about this Simon Cowell hatred. He said he found out he was trying to steal his job so why is it fair to read the emails in the hack but not look at celebrity nudes. Howard said he didn't read the emails, he was told about them by several people including Simon. He said Simon called and said he wanted to tell him that it wasn't true and he wasn't trying to steal his job or undermine him. He said Simon said that. He said the beef he has is that he lied to him. He said he was caught red handed. He said it's no big deal that he took his job. He said he stayed a year longer than he thought he would. He said maybe it was 2 years longer. He said don't call him up and lie to him about it. He said if he needed that job it would have been a big deal. He said it's the lying he doesn't like.
The caller sad that makes sense. He asked if he has any games. Robin said he already played it with her.
Howard said he thinks people like when he hates someone and he's open about it. He said Simon is just a douche. He said it's like getting caught robbing a bank and being told he didn't rob a bank. He said Simon called his agent asking if they were all good. He said he thinks maybe he did speak to him on the phone. He said maybe it was through his agent. He said he didn't want to talk to the guy. He said Simon said to him that the Sony hack was all wrong and he'd never do those things behind his back. Howard said just admit it. He said he was only on British TV and he wanted to come back to the U.S.
Howard said he knows when Simon got jealous. He said he was doing the show and Simon showed up to a taping of America's Got Talent and he saw him doing this thing and he was kind of the lead judge. He said he thinks Simon saw that no one gave a fuck about him there. He said the guy has no talent. He said he can just judge things and his judging show had failed there. He said he just had to get back on America's Got Talent. He said that's fine but he didn't have to go behind his back. He said he started a campaign behind his back about how he could do a better job for less money. He said it was a really desperate. He said that's all fine until he lies about it. He said he's a two faced prick who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Howard said it's just lame. He said he would have respected him more if he had just said he wanted his job.
Howard said he did that job and it's not that hard. He said anyone listening to this broadcast could do it. He said you can judge people singing. He said it's not that hard. Robin said she has something to play later from The Voice and these judges are so over the top they don't know what to say anymore. She said they praise you so much they run out of things to say.
Howard said Simon isn't good at judging anyway. He said he had him judge a singer and the guy was the actual guy from a band singing the song. He said he's an imbecile. He said Simon was a nice guy and he knows all of the right things to say to be a reasonable person. He said it was Josie Scott who came in there to sing.
Howard said he was going to leave the show anyway. He said he would have gotten the job. He didn't have to write a single email. He said he told NBC that he'd do one more year. He said they asked him to stay one more season and he did it because they were so nice to him over there. He said he had such a pleasant experience over there. He said it was a mutual admiration. He said he was offered several programs to host there and at ABC. He said he was offered a myriad of projects. He said he wanted more free time and wanted to concentrate on the radio show. He said it was all very amicable and sweet. He said he wouldn't hesitate to work for NBC again. He said Simon is a different story. He said he's a weirdo.
Robin said being in show business is a lucky thing and a great way to make a living. She said Simon makes it work for everyone else. She said he comes in and smokes where no one else is allowed to smoke. Howard said he knew Howie and Heidi were staying but he knew it wasn't going to be the same dynamic there. He said he can only imagine the nightmare of working with him.
Howard said he's sure if he pumped a few drinks into Howie he's admit to some stuff. He said that you've read about the Sony hack and this is what Simon said. He said he read it in the paper.
Howard said it's not that big of a deal. He said he didn't really lose a job. He said he was leaving it anyway.
Howard took a call from fake Simon Cowell who said he feels so bad about hurting him. He said he has one thing to say. He asked if he will forgive him for trying to fuck his wife. Howard said he knew he wasn't sincere. Simon said he was being a jerk. He said he feels so bad that he has no talent other than stealing wives. Howard hung up on him after that.
Howard said he was reading in the NY Post that Hillary might run again. He said his wife thinks that too. He said he just saw a poll yesterday that she'd be at 20 percent and Biden would be at 21. He said some democrats might think they can't do that again but he'd vote for her in a minute. He said someone else said it's too late to enter primaries. He said Bloomberg just made it. He said he's not sure if that's true. The caller said she'd have to get on more interviews. He said she isn't relateable on Saturday Night Live or anything like that. Howard said it looks desperate when a politician goes on Saturday Night Live.
Howard said he is a fan of Saturday Night Live but in terms of Hillary he doesn't care if she's funny on there. He said he likes that she's a workaholic who is so smart and has devoted herself academically. He said she doesn't need to prove she's funny.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's getting serious in a relationship and they were laying in bed and the guy told him that he wants to transition. He said he is kind of thrown by that. He said he's a gay man and he cares about this person but he's not sure if he can change what he's attracted to.
Howard said if Beth told him she was going to become a man he'd have to leave. He said sometimes love transcends transition. He said the guy who created Sirius is now a woman. He said he's doing things in medical research now. He said the guy is amazing. He said he was Martin Rothblat and now he's Martine. He said his wife is still with her. He said Beth said that when he transitions she's not staying with him. He said he still loves her.
Howard said Chaz's girlfriend stayed with him when he transitioned. He said he still has a vagina so there's something to go down on. Howard said this caller has to keep a penis if he's into a penis.
The caller asked Howard about something he said to Whitney Cummings about using coke as a young man. Howard said he was in college and experimenting with drugs. He said it was mostly hash, pot, mushrooms and LSD. He said he was trying anything. He said he didn't think about the consequences at all. He said he really fucked himself up. He said he didn't know a lot about these drugs. He said a guy asked if he wanted to try cocaine and he said sure. He said the guy laid it out and he snorted it. He said he remembers having a reaction to it. He said it turns out it might have been heroin. He said he really doesn't know what he too. He said he could have fucked his life up. He said LSD is the worst thing. He said he's convinced that any drug is a waste of time. Robin said Howard has had to take a pain pill from time to time. Howard said of course. Robin said that's an opioid.
Howard said if he's with a guy who has a cock he's going to want a cock. He said he thinks this caller wants that.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said the Hillary caller and those like him make him nuts. He asked how stupid you have to be to hear her and change your mind. He said look things up and read about her. He said it didn't take time to see this shit wasn't true about her. He said it shows how stupid people are. Howard said he has leaned that elections aren't too far off from what happens in high school. He said the promises they make can't always be made true. He said you know this stuff isn't true. He said Trump knows he's not building a wall. He said people play people. Ralph said he thinks if you asked Hillary now if coming on his show would have made a difference she'd say yes.
Robin said on Amazon they show that Howard's book is often bough with Hillary's book now. She said it's that and Rachel Maddow's book.
Ralph said that interview was great with Hillary. He said Howard came off very smart in it. Robin said she's never heard him say that before. Howard said thanks to him for that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he agrees with gay ass Ralph. He said he thinks Howard brings out the best in anyone. He said if he has a conversation with them he brings that out. He said at the end of the day people have to do research but that Hillary interview was great. He said he isn't a fan of her's but the interview was great. Howard said he doesn't want a president with a personality. He said there are people who work hard and don't have a personality. Robin said she was looking for a doctor and someone asked what kind of personality she was looking for. Robin said she doesn't need a personality. She said she just wants them to do a good job.
JD said he hates it when he's losing in the league and he has to hear shit talking. Gary came in and talked about how into it JD is and he had a phlegm issue so Howard asked him to clear it up. Gary said JD takes it very seriously and he stresses out over things. He said he takes it so seriously that if he lost he will be devastated for hours or days.
Howard asked why he gets devastated. JD said he was playing against Ben Barto and he kept waking up every hour to see what happened in this game. Howard asked how much money is on the line. JD said it's $1,200. Howard said that's a lot of money. Gary asked what second place is. JD said he doesn't think about second place.
Hard asked if Michael has his number. JD said he does but he leaves messages on his personal and work voicemail. Howard played some examples of Rapaport goofing on JD. He was pissed that he was being blocked.
Howard said he loves that he's shocked that JD is blocking him after saying the things he says. Howard said he has more messages to play. He played a few of those where he was going on and on with the typical ball busting that he does.
Howard said he loves that he keyed in on JD's work out. JD said he called him a couple of weeks ago and he said he was in the middle of working out and Michael laughed at him. He said that's where that came from.
Howard asked what kind of responses he expects from him. JD said he doesn't know. He said the only reason he won last year was because one of Rapaport's players got injured and he wasn't able to score.
Howard played another message where Rapaport went off on JD for not calling him back. Howard asked if he called him. JD said no. Howard asked how you're supposed to respond to that. He said he's like a psycho girlfriend. Howard played more of the voicemail where Michael was calling JD names.
Howard played a clip where Rapaport's wife yelled at him to get off the phone and stop making fun of that guy. Rapaport denied that he was doing it but she called him a loser and told him to stop. Robin said then you call him back and make fun of him for that.
Howard said a guy just called in to say they should give Sour Shoes the Gary puppet next week when he's there. Howard said that's a great idea. They went to break after that.
Howard had Fred play Robin into her news with a song parody. That song went on for a long time. It was a Christmas song.
Howard took a call from a guy who didn't pick up fast enough. Howard hung up and said that they have Senator Bernie Sanders sitting in for the news today. Fake Bernie had a few words to say before the news. He said he took the subway in and apologized to Steve Nowicki for defecating on the seat in the subway. He said he is an old man and that happens. Howard spent a few minutes talking to fake Bernie before getting to the news.
Robin started her news with a story about how the judges on these singing and talent competition shows have run out of things to say. She said on The Voice last night they had a woman perform Lady Marmalade and this is what John Legend said. She had a clip where John was talking about her like she was the best ever. Robin said he went on saying that she should be winning Grammys. Howard said he will get up and just spray his cum on all the ladies faces in the finale.
Robin read a story about coming to the end of a decade and they're not making a big deal out of it. Robin asked what this decade has been about. Robin read a list of the top music sales of the decade. She had Howard play some of those top songs from the past decade.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to tell him how great last week was on his show. He said he thinks it was the best week of the show in the entire history of the show. He said last week they had great stories about Benjy's acting. He said then they followed it up with Adam Sandler and then Hillary Clinton. Howard said he's glad they have a satisfied customer there. He said he's going to make him the host of the Wrap Up Show. He said he's very positive. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked fake Bernie to say something to get the votes. Bernie said he wants to give away the most free shit as possible. He said everyone should get free health care, free college and free streaming. Howard said he's on to something there. Bernie said he wants to have Bernie+ streaming himself. Howard said everything will be free. Bernie said this is what Millenials want. Howard asked if they get free Crackle too. Bernie said yes and they get free Baby Yoda. He said they're going to have free everything for everyone. He said free plantains for Gary. He said he won't stop until they're all living in a trailer like Jeff the Drunk.
Robin had more about the top streaming songs of the decade. Robin had a list of songs to play. She had Howard play those songs. One of them was by Post Malone. Howard said he saw that guy with the tattoos on his face and you really have to hate yourself to do that. Howard said it's startling and maybe it's a way to shake people up. Bernie said he's 100 percent confused because he knows zero percent of these artists.
Robin read a story about William Shatner filing for divorce. She said he's 88 years old. Howard said it really is a man's world. Robin said he's been married for 18 years this time. Howard said he went out to dinner with him and his wife years ago. Robin said they got married in 2001. Robin said they reportedly signed a pre-nup so the divorce should move very smoothly. Robin said they didn't have any children. Howard said you'd think by 88 you wouldn't care and just stay married. Fake Bernie said he'd like to be part of that group. He said 88 is the new 50. Howard said he must miss being a young man. Bernie said he can't move his legs. He said he wants to give free web cams to JD.
Howard asked how JD is winning at fantasy football. JD said he did very good in the draft. He told Howard some of the players he ended up with. Will said he lucked out. He said it's ridiculous to give him any credit. He said he just had lucky picks. Howard said he's won 3 years in a row. Will said he beat him in the finals once and it was such horse shit. Will said they think they know more than anyone else but he's like ''go fuck yourself.'' Jon said there is skill involved and Will is just upset that he's not doing well. Will told him to shut up. Will said Richard and Sal won one year and they know nothing about sports. Howard said Jon has won 3 times and JD has won 3 times and Jason has won twice. Will and JD argued some more on their microphones. Bernie said Will sounds 200 percent angry 100 percent of the time. Howard said this imaginary sports league is tearing the show apart. Howard said no one gets this worked up for the show. Will said he disagrees with him on that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Time magazine naming its person of the year who is Greta Thunberg. Howard said he likes it. Robin had some audio of someone talking about why Greta was chosen as their person of the year. Robin said this 16 year old has shaken up the world. Robin said Greta isn't resting on her laurels. She said she's in Madrid at a climate summit there and she's demanding that they take action against climate change. Howard asked if she goes to school. Robin said obviously not. Howard said he wishes he could have come up with something like that to get out of school when he was a kid. Robin had some clips of Greta speaking at that summit in Madrid. Howard said he loves listening to kids who sound like adults. Robin read about the President of Brazil calling Greta a little brat. Robin said this is what she's up against. Bernie said he has dingleberries older than her.
Howard said he spent his day with farts and Greta is trying to save the world. Howard said Will's farts were so loud today. He asked if Fred has them. Fred said he does not.
Robin read a story about how the president of Brazil is saying that Leonardo DiCaprio paid someone to set the Amazon rain forest on fire. She said he's saying all kinds of wacky stuff.
Robin read a story about the Websters dictionary people coming out with a word of the year and this year's was the non-binary pronoun ''they.'' Howard said this is bigger than he thought. He said he doesn't think about all of this but Z lit a fire yesterday when they were here. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read as story about a shoot out in Jersey city yesterday afternoon. Robin said it left 6 people dead including one police officer. Robin said they said it was some sort of drug deal that went bad at first. Robin said later in the day they figured out the people who did the shooting were targeting a kosher store in the area. Robin said most of the people who were killed were in there. Robin said two officers were injured and went to the hospital. Robin said the one who was killed had come across it earlier. Robin said they're going to be doing an investigation to figure out what happened and why.
Robin read a story about Ronald Lauder funding a $20 million campaign to fight anti-Semitism in politics.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he finds these people. Robin asked what people. The caller said these women and guys who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. He said he's glad he doesn't put up with that shit. Robin said he's talking about Z. Howard said these people just wander into his life. The caller asked if Z is going to be in the Wack Pack. Howard said alright and let him go. Howard said Z was JD's plumber. He said that's how they met Z.
Robin read a story about President Trump having a rally yesterday and he chided the security officers for being politically correct when he wanted someone kicked out. Robin had some audio of Trump at the rally getting people riled up. Trump was yelling at them to get the protester out. Howard said no one is good at their job according to Donald. Robin said that man just saved his bacon by not being an asshole. She said the woman was just holding up a sponge hand with a finger up and writing on it. Robin said the guy just gently moved her out. If he had dragged her out a different story would have been told about the president.
Howard said Ham Hands Bill doesn't like Trump. He had a song that Bill did about Trump. It was a song about impeaching Trump. Bernie said he just found his Vice President. Howard said he thought Bill was just passionate about Robin but he has two passions.
Robin read a story about Cuba Gooding Jr. being accused of assaults on women. Robin said the number of accusers is up to 22. Robin said these women say they have had issues with him. Robin had some details on what some of the women are claiming he has done.
Robin read a story about Bill Cosby losing an appeal on his conviction. Robin said that has been rejected by the court.
Robin read a story about Michael Bloomberg getting an endorsement from the mayor of Stockton in California. Bernie booed that news.
Fred played some of Will the Farter's farts from today. Howard said today might have been their best show.
Robin read a story about Superman outing himself in the latest issue of the comic book. Robin said that Superman reveals that he and Clark Kent are the same person. Robin said this could change the DC universe for good. She said everyone will know that Clark and Superman are one in the same. Howard said that's some twist. Bernie said he thought he was coming out as a fudge packer. Howard said he was fooled by those glasses. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.