Howard and the guys were back from their summer vacation this morning. Howard started the show talking about how he stayed up too late last night. He said he started watching a movie last night on Netflix. He said it looked good but it wasn't so good. He said it takes place in the future and they're sending a rocket to Saturn and they found a planet that doesn't support life. He said they send some miltiary dudes there to do it and they genetically enhance them. He said they're super humans who can breathe in different places. He said it sounds kind of cool. Robin said no it doesn't. Howard said they wanted to continue the human race. He said he thought it was cool. He said he was watching it and it wasn't so good. He said the premise was good but they hardly have an end to it.
Howard said he was asked to be in a movie and it was good up until about page 50. He said then it went downhill. He said he got caught up in watching that movie last night. He said it was 10 o'clock when it was over last night. He said Netflix has to be careful. He said they have to keep the quality control up there. Robin said they have to have someone delivering a good product.
Robin said she went to see Mission Impossible and it was amazing. She said you don't even breathe at times because it's so exciting. Howard said the movie he watched was called The Titan. He said he thought it was sexy and it was actually the Tit-an. He said it has really bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. He said that's what he should check. Robin said you have to have some kind of guide.
Howard said you can't trust that all the time. He said he liked the movie The Kissing Booth and it didn't get rated well. He said he read about it in the NY Times. Gary said they say that's one of the biggest successes that they've ever had on Netflix.
Howard said the guy in the movie fell in love with his co-star in the movie and that will end in disaster. Howard said it has 13 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Robin said she probably read the synopsis of that movie and kept moving.
Howard said his two nephews were over and they bought The Avengers movie. He said it was the Infinity War movie. He said that was good. Robin said it was. Howard said he couldn't believe the special effects. He said that he watched until the end and half of America was working on that film. He said what a great accomplishment. He said this is everything he dreamed about when he was a boy reading comic books. He said they had Iron Man, Spider-Man and all of that. Robin said it was $322 million to make. Howard said that seems cheap after seeing the number of names on the screen. He said that the special effects were seamless.
Howard said he heard it made over a billion. Fred said he sees 2 billion. Robin asked about Ant Man. Howard said he didn't see that but you have to support them all. Robin said you can't support the bad ones.
Howard said the big news was that Les Moonves was caught up in the #MeToo movement. He said he must be real powerful because it was big news for 2 days and now no one is talking about it. He said that people will talk about him but not Les. He said it just went away. Howard said this Ronan Farrow guy is something else. He said he's busting all of these guys. Robin said the last thing you want to hear is that Ronan is writing a story about you. Howard said that whole woody Allen saga was his life. He said Les is like Tony Soprano. He said everyone just shut the fuck up. He said everyone is afraid of Julie Chen too.
Howard said the wrap on Julie was that her career started sky rocketing when she started fucking Les so that might make a great movie one day.
Howard said the interesting thing is that he's not denying it. He said that Les is just saying it was a long time ago. He said he's saying he didn't know any better. He said FOX News made up a tremendous amount of their bottom line but they got rid of Roger Ailes when that scandal broke. Robin asked if Les has paid off anyone. Howard said all he knows is that Les tried to ruin his life.
Howard said people were calling and asking if he was happy about this. He said he and Les are okay. He said after his whole thing with Les he saw him and Julie at a hotel in Mexico. He said that they were fine there.
Howard said there were a bunch of people from CBS down there. He said that he saw Les there and talked about how mean it was for him to try to ruin him. He said that was one of his most embarrassing moments that he has made corporately. He said that he got the guy to drop his lawsuit though.
Howard said this is him on December 15, 2001 talking to Robin on the air. He said this is tape from... He did some math to figure out how long ago it was. He figured it was about 17 years ago. Robin said yeah. Howard said that was an educated guess. He said he did the math and figured out it was minus 1 from 2018.
Howard played the clip and in that he was talking about what a snake Les is. He kept calling him a snake over and over. He said the guy will fall.
Howard said how prophetic. He thanked Fred for the snake sounds he played back then. Howard said the story goes that Les was running CBS and he was going to go to Sirius. He said he had a year left before he left CBS radio and he met with this guy Joel Hollander. He said Joel was running the radio division and he knew nothing about how to run it. He said he asked Joel what he could do while he had this year left. He said he worked within his parameters. He said that he did correct him once about what he said about Sirius. He said that they made new guidelines and he followed the new ones. He said that he followed them and they kept him on the air. He said they never threw him off.
Howard said Les and Joel came in one day and wished him luck with a bottle of champagne. He said that they were phonies about it. Howard said he was just trying to go out peacefully. He said he had done a pretty good job for those guys. He said he had kept their stations afloat. He said that he made them money. Howard said he was saying goodbye to both of them and that was the end of it. He said he gets to Sirius and they had like 200,000 subscribers. He said they were a dying proposition. Then he gets socked with a lawsuit for like $500 million or something crazy like that. He said he was being sued by CBS for that much and they have endless money to fuck with you. He said that people thought it was good publicity. Howard said he thinks that he had to hire a lawyer. He said maybe the company was being sued. Robin said she thinks that Don was sued. Howard said he had to foot the bill. He said Sirius may have helped him. He said he was so panicked.
Howard said they claimed he had damaged them by $500 million. He said it was just a way for them to fuck with him for leaving them. He said they wanted to fuck his life up. He said he didn't do jack shit to Les other than make him money. He said he got really emotionally involved in this. He said he lost sleep and people couldn't calm him down. He said he didn't have the funds to pay for that. He said Les was trying to fuck him up the ass with no lube.
Howard said Les said that he had ruined his birthday by going to Sirius on that day. He said that mother fucker was suing him because of that. He said fuck you. He said he's getting good and worked up over this.
Howard said he was in a bad way back then. He said that he loses everything in court. Robin said he didn't have a good history with going to court. Howard said he's like the worst human being on the planet to some people. He said he tries to be honest. He said he's not perfect and he's fucked up in his life a lot. Robin said he owns up to it.
Howard said he had moved to Sirius and that was a scary thing for him. He said it worked out and they have 35 million subscribers now. He said XM was doing better than Sirius and he thought that maybe they could go belly up and he wouldn't get paid anymore. He said that he didn't have a crystal ball in all of this.
Howard said he didn't want to disappoint the company. He said there was a lot of pressure on him. Then he gets socked with the lawsuit. He said he was wondering if Les even knew what was going on. He wanted to talk to Les man to man and maybe he'd get him to listen to him. He said he was like a woman pleading with the guy. He said he felt very effeminate. He said the lawyers told him not to talk to him but he wanted to do it. He said he thought the guy would treat him well if he was like a father figure. He said he gets emotional very quickly. He said he was looking for a father in all the wrong places. He said he would go to thee men and try to appeal to them. He said he was going through is own shit. He said he still does that.
Howard said he went to a meeting with Joel Hollander and Les. He said they agreed to meet with him. He said he figured he could get them to let him out of this. He said he knew that they would understand and drop the law suit. He said they sat in a conference room and he started getting emotional. He said he started crying in front of Les. He said he has never admitted that. He said he was really upset. He said it just came pouring out of him. He said he worked for the company for a million years and he did nothing to harm them. He said he asked Joel what was going on. He said he was crying like a baby. He said he as ashamed and embarrassed. He said he wasn't able to conduct himself in a business like way. He said he asked what he did and Joel had a smirk on his face like ''You little bitch...'' He said Les gave him a look that he'll never forget. He said Les asked Joel what's going on here. He said Les was enjoying it so much. Howard said Les didn't even know what Joel was talking about. He said this was the first he was hearing about it. He said that Les said they were going to keep it up and see him in court. He said that he had his arms folded and he was showing what he was doing to the all mighty Howard Stern.
Howard said he got his composure and took a beat. He said he got his shit together. He said that he asked if they were sure that's what they want to do. He said he gave them a cold fucking stare. He said he was out of bitch mode. He got a moment of clarity. Howard said he was in a snake pit with his back against the wall. Howard said Les said ''yep!'' He said okay and that he's going to unleash hell on earth on Les. Howard said he was going to war and he'll win. He said he was going to give them holy fucking hell and god help you. He said he got up and walked out. He said he said once he was out that door it was on.
Howard said he got enraged and started in with the curse words. He said he said those mother fuckers, it's on. He said that was the last contact they had. He said he knew they weren't backing off. He said that was his Jihad.
Howard said that day he went into a meeting with some people who will remain unknown forever. He said they sat down and plotted what they were going to do. He said that he had three prongs in his plan. He said he sat down to do a story about Les Moonves. He said that Les can't stand to be publicly embarrassed. He said he's very worried about that. Howard said he had a press conference right away about that. He said he wanted to humiliate Les. He said he booked himself on Letterman to talk about Les. He said that was phase one. He said phase two was to bring someone on the air that would embarrass him even more. He said phase three was even worse. He said he had found out things about him that he was going to embarrass him with. He said that's all he'll say about that.
Howard said after phase one Les caved like a mother fucker. He said he crumbled. Howard said thank god he did. He said he didn't want to unleash phase two and three. He said he doesn't like doing that.
Howard said the lawyers aren't going to end it. He said they want to keep it all going. He said they'll drain him financially. Howard said the reason he was able to let go of his anger is because it worked out in his favor. He said he got to own all of his material after that. He said this guy caved like no one in history. He said he came out better than he expected. He said he kind of dropped his anger after that. Robin said ''Ugh.'' Howard said Les gave him his stuff. He said he couldn't help but think ''Who's crying now, bitch?'' when he saw the story about Les. Howard said Les has done fabulous at CBS and they maintain a healthy bottom line over there. He said that he really does like Julie too. He said she just shut up about it. He said that she's not in a position to comment.
Howard said when he read the Ronan Farrow article he felt for Julie. He said that CBS had to fire Charlie Rose so they might have to do something here. Robin said they did do an investigation. Howard said he read the article immediately. He said if he did what this woman claims he did then they have to let him go. Robin said that they are keeping him on for now. Robin said that he has no successor so they don't have a plan for that over there. Howard said Les isn't hiding. He said he was at Nobu the next night. He said he had the attitude like he didn't do anything wrong. He said that's pretty brave.
Howard said Chris Hardwick was given everything back after the investigation. He said that Les gets to keep his job. Howard said Roger Ailes lost his job. Howard said poor Billy Bush got the worst of it. He said he got thrown right out the door. Robin said they're still trying to figure out what he did. Howard said it is just an allegation right now. He said if it's true it's pretty fucking bad.
Howard said this actress has a story that's frightening. He said that she got humiliated by Les and lost her agent and manager allegedly. He said if it's true then it's a clear violation. He said that if it's true he ruined her life. Robin said Les has said that he may have made some women uncomfortable by making advances. Robin said he claims that he knows that no means no and he has never hindered a career. Fred played the ''Bullshit'' clip from Ed Wood.
Howard said he doesn't know what's going on there. He said he had a run in with the guy but that turned out okay for him. He said it was pretty cold hearted. He said Les could have dropped it right there. He said he put no effort into it. He said Les wanted to keep the lawyers busy suing Howard Stern. He said it was really frightening. He said he had the whole Viacom team behind him. He said it was bad for him.
Howard took a call from a fake CBS investigator who said they're doing a big investigation on Les. The guy was doing a voice like he wasn't really investigating anyone. He said it was him and Les doing the investigation together. Howard took a call from fake Sumner Redstone too.
Howard said he went to dinner one night when he was being sued and Sumner Redstone was there. He said Sumner wished him luck on his new job so he had no idea he was being sued. Howard said he was stuck in this crazy situation. Robin said she understands there was some power play going on with Les and Sumner's daughter. Howard said she wants to merge the two companies together. Howard said Les doesn't want to do it. He said people were saying that's all because of this Shari Redstone thing but the investigation has been going on for over a year.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she has been listening to this for 17 years. She said she remembers Howard handing her a t-shirt that says ''I hate Les Moonves.'' She said she's not sure why he forgave him. Howard said he shouldn't have. He said he should have been pissed. Mariann said that his psychiatrist is leading him down the wrong road. Howard said it had nothing to do with him. Mariann said that Julie has to think about who other women are being treated. Howard said Julie should have said that it's awkward for her but she's not going to come on the air and degrade what other women are saying. Howard said she's not doing that. Howard said she blew off the whole discussion. Howard said Sharon may be coming in soon. He said he'll have to ask her about it.
Howard let Mariann go after she brought up how Les may have been married when he got with Julie. Howard said that Mariann has never been harassed because of that voice. He said that voice has served her well.
Howard said that Billy Bush wants to get in on this. He took a call from fake Billy Bush who was screaming like Sam Kinison. Howard said Billy lost his job because of his conversation with Trump and he didn't even really do anything. Fake Billy said he's so fucking bitter. He kept screaming.
Howard said he likes it when his predictions come true. He said that this only took 18 years though. He said that they say if he is let go he still gets a $180 million pay out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's funny how things turn out. He said it must have been hell going through that lawsuit. Howard said that things worked out but that was so much pressure. He said that shit ages you. He said it shook him to the core. He said he has cried before and that was really embarrassing to him. The caller said it gave more attention to Sirius. Howard said there were many benefits. He said that after the lawsuit he got ownership of the tapes. He said he didn't know that would work out so well. Robin said that if he had kept quiet he may not have gotten all of that. Howard said he cut through all of the bullshit. He said he's proud of himself over that. He said he wasn't proud of the way he threw himself at the mercy of Les. He said that he had no humanity behind those shark eyes of his. He said that he was heaped in a corner being a little bitch and begging for mercy. He said Les was such a cold barracuda that it was just scary. He said they loved bringing him to his knees. He said they got pleasure from fucking with him. Howard said you can draw your own conclusions from that whole thing with Les.
Howard said they say that Roger Ailes got a $60 million pay out or golden parachute. Howard said they all make out fine after all of this. Howard said he told Les he wasn't able to afford to fight them. He said Les didn't understand the complexity of what was going on. He said Les didn't have any idea what was going on.
The caller said that it was like $500 million and they were saying that Howard was getting paid that much from Sirius. Howard said that's not what he got paid but that's where they got that number from. He said he told Les that he wasn't getting that kind of money. He said that he gut through all of the bullshit though.
Howard said he felt like he had won after that was over. Robin said he still had phase two and three to go to. Howard said he sure did. He said Les saw him very vulnerable. The caller asked what he would say to Les now. Howard said he'd say... and he laughed. Howard said he would be fucking Les in the ass like Ned Beatty. Howard said he's not sure how he'd be the winner doing that though.
Howard said he knows the fear you can get from Les. He said that he's not sure what will happen to the guy. Robin said CBS seems to be in trouble. She said it's not just the Les thing. She said it was also the culture of the news division. Robin said if there are more articles to come then they're in trouble.
The caller asked Howard about Sirius and the signal from the satellite. He said he loses signal all the time even in open areas. Howard said he doesn't know. He said there are times he loses his signal too. He said it doesn't stay out for long. He said he's not sure what they can do. He said they need something called repeaters and it's a whole thing. He said the satellites beam to repeaters and they go out. The caller said he has 3 subscriptions and it's constantly cutting out. Howard said maybe move closer to the satellites. He said he really doesn't have an answer for that. He said he remembers it used to be worse. He said he doesn't have as many dropouts as he used to. Howard said Fred wears a tinfoil cap when he listens and that helps. He said that has rabbit ears on it.
Howard said he thinks it's gotten better. The caller said it has but it shouldn't cut out unless you're in a tunnel. Robin said that it won't work in a tunnel. Howard said he must just be able to fill in the blanks. He said he listened to the show on vacation and thought the show was so good. He said he was listening to Ronnie explaining how he doesn't follow porn stars on Twitter but then he slowly reveals that he does. Howard said that stuff was really good and this show is funny.
Robin said she saw Dr. Agus while they were off. She said she took a ride in his wacky car. She said the doors open up because it's so low. Robin said that you have to fall into the car. Howard said Fred Flintstone had a car like that. Robin said you almost need a lift to get you out of the car. Howard said poor Dr. Agus. Robin said he turned on the radio and it was them on the radio. Robin said she wondered if he did that just because he knew she was going to be in the car. Howard said of course he did.
The caller asked if Howard listens to himself all the time. Howard said not usually. He said he will listen once in a while. He said that's for quality control. Howard said there are things that he would cut down. The caller said he hears Howard promoting other channels. He said he hears Howard's name on other channels too. Howard said he likes it when he hears Madison talking about him on Lithium. Howard let the caller go after that.
Robin said she had to listen to Gary on the Wrap Up Show to hear what he felt about being goofed on. Gary said that people will come up to him and tell him that they love it when Howard yells at him. He said he's not sure how to react to that. Howard said he yells at Gary the way his father yelled at him. He said that it never ends. Gary said that's his biggest tool because it never ends.
Howard said it hurts him more than it hurts Gary. He said he has to go home and deal with it. He said when they said that he hated that feeling. He said he doesn't like unloading on Gary. Robin said on the Wrap Up Show Gary said that he thinks it's almost over and then he starts up again.
Howard said he heard over vacation about the ''worst call letters'' thing. He said that he wanted Gary to apologize to him for making him do this. He said he was talking about W4 in Detroit and talking about he worst call letters. Gary said that the worst call letters were KOME. Howard said those really were the best letters. He said they had great cum jokes for the call letters.
Gary said that he didn't just come in to talk about that. He said they were talking about the call letters. Howard said that was right up there with the ''That was a bit of a stumble'' with the iPad comment. Gary said he just came in to talk about how juvenile that was. Robins said their call in number is 888-ASSHOLE. Howard said he's not sure how Gary thinks that's below them. He said that hey have the sense of humor of a second grader. Howard said their studio is studio 69. Howard said Gary doesn't get it. He said he drives him crazy.
Howard said he has a new song with Gary's phlegm sounds. He played a new one where they had Gary clearing his throat.
Howard said they started this channel with just farts. He said then they did the Craptacular and Gary thinks that KOME was juvenile. He said that he's not sure what's up with Gary. He said that any call letters that are a word are good. He said he used to be jealous of Z-100. He said they were 92.3 and they had to do micro surgery to tune in. He said Z-100 was easy to tune into. He said he's not sure how Gary thinks that KOME was juvenile. Howard said this isn't a replay just so you know. He said he just gets aggravated by this.
Howard said people loved the Dell'Abtio video they put up on the app. Howard said a caller asked them to play the song and stare at Gary during the song. Gary said the TV people came to him and said that was one of the most watched videos ever. Howard said Gary is a good sport. Howard played some of the song but cut it off saying just go watch it on the app.
Wheels asked Howard to pick two staffers who may have hit their wives. Howard said he's hoping none of them are doing that. He said he's pretty sure that Mary would beat he shit out of Gary if he hit her. Wheels asked if it was over 10 years ago. Howard said it's still not right. Gary asked if it's okay if they did it 10 years ago. Howard said it's really not. Wheels gave them a ''fuck Les'' before Howard let him go.
Robin said Howard would be terribly upset if he found out one of his guys did something 10 years ago. Howard said he runs a tight ship there. He said if they have a pretty intern there they have to act like she's a dude with a cock. He said you have to run a tight ship there. Robin said these guys don't have any sense. Fred played Sal saying ''Prelevant.'' Howard said he wouldn't be able to work with the guys if he found out they had hit their wives.
Gary asked if he has ever even had the thought of hitting a woman. Howard said not at all. Gary said it's insane. Howard said his father never hit his mother. He said he only hit him.
Howard said if he found out that Gary hit Mary he'd have a problem with that. Gary asked if he would fire him. Howard said he thinks so. Robin asked if he would send him to counseling. Howard said sure. He said then he'd bring him back in a month because he's all fixed. He said that's all it takes. Just a month. He said he would have a problem with Gary if he beat his wife. He said he doesn't think he's done that though.
Howard said he's not sure how a woman stays if they get hit. He said just leave. Robin said some people think they can teach. Howard said if you look at the guys who work there you'd be shocked that they can even have wives. He said they have a lot of grateful guys. He said Jon Hein is always posting pictures of himself with his wife and she's hot. He said that Jon is a nice guy but he ain't no beauty. He said that he had a picture of him with her and he looks like he's crushing her like King Kong. He said she looks like an elephant trainer. He said even his wife said he has a beautiful wife. Howard said then he catches himself and realizes he's ugly too.
Jon got on Gary's microphone and said he is a very lucky guy. Howard said he really is. Gary said Jon is the one who is more astounding because he wasn't famous. Howard said people get how he did it but they can't figure out how Jon did it. He said Chris Wilding thinks that Jon was really hot when he was young. Howard said maybe that's it. He said either that or he was a coke dealer and she had a habit.
Howard asked Jon when he got his wife. Jon said he was 18. Howard said she has had two kids and she looks like a kid herself. Howard said she had a really tight body. Howard said she's in great shape. Jon said she's in fantastic shape. Howard said Jon goes around with pictures like a trophy hunter. Gary said Jon's wife is a work out maniac. Jon doesn't work out.
Howard said he heard that Brent committed the ultimate sin at the bachelor party. Jon came in so Howard asked about how he got his wife. Jon said he met her in college and he took her virginity. Howard said he's the only one she's ever fucked. Jon said yes. He said that they just had their 27th anniversary. He said she doesn't go to the gym either. He said she's just constantly on the move.
Howard asked Jon if he had at least 5 women before his wife. Jon said that he had less. He said he thinks he's the luckiest guy in the world. He said he sees those pictures too. Howard said they should be part of an inspirational speech.
Jon said that they had food for everyone and most people seemed to enjoy it. Howard said Chris said it was disgusting. Howard asked Ronnie what he thought. Ronnie said that he sat with Chris and he ate chicken parm, and vegetables. Jon said the mozzarella sticks were there as the appetizer.
Gary said that he's sending Chris in to talk about this. Ronnie said it was 50 bucks per guy and they had drinks and a cookie platter.
Chris said that the food was disgusting. He said the breaded chicken was all soggy. He said the mozzarella sticks were all salty. Ronnie said he ate it though. Chris said he had to because h knew they were going out. Howard said Steve said the chicken was soggy too. Ronnie said it was fine for what it was. He said it was 50 bucks per guy.
Howard said Brent did the worst. He said at the strip club his wife came. Ronnie said that was late in the night. He said they were ready to go home. Ronnie said he has to defend him. He said Stephanie came at 2:15 and they were all leaving. He said she walked over from the Bachelorette party. Brent said it was almost 1 when his wife showed up. He said that she wasn't at the party with Stephanie.
Ronnie said Jon should be upset because his wife hasn't invited. Howard asked what's up with that. JD said he had nothing to do with that. He said that his fiancee loves Jon's wife. Howard said he heard The Lump didn't like the food there either. He had The Lump on the phone to talk about that. The Lump said that the food wasn't so good and he was stoned. He said even with that it wasn't very good.
Howard said he heard Brent would have boycotted the bachelor party if he knew his wife wasn't invited. Brent said that she asked to come to see him get a lap dance so they could have some crazy sex after. He said he wasn't going to turn that down.
Howard asked if JD had a good time. JD said he did. He said that Ronnie was yelling for the girls to go over and give him a dance. Ronnie said he made sure he didn't spend all of his money at once. He said he made sure he didn't spend it in 15 minutes. He said it lasted about 4 hours. JD said he was having fun. Brent said Ronnie was the best at making sure JD had fun.
Howard said Ronnie is always working in the names of the clubs. Ronnie said they were at Vivid that night. He said he goes to Rick's too. Howard said Ronnie gets in the plugs so he can walk around like an owner. He said he has to pay back Lonnie for helping him out.
Brent said that Ronnie was able to get a 21 year old to do something. Ronnie said they had their own private area upstairs and she wasn't a stripper. He said she was celebrating her 21st birthday. He said she just wandered upstairs. He said she was loaded. He said he was talking to one of the dancers and he asked her to dance for this 21 year old. He said she was wearing a sash that said ''I'm 21.'' He said she picked up her dress and she had these tiny panties on. He said her cooch was hanging out. Ronnie said this girl was dancing and then her friends dragged her out of there. Ronnie said he had nothing to do with that. Ronnie said she had a great time up there though. Ronnie said he was yelling ''Twenty one!'' a lot. Howard said he has audio of that actually. He played some of that audio. Ronnie was yelling about this girl being 21.
Shuli came in and said earlier this morning he was talking to Ronnie and he was really riled up talking about the 21 year old. He said he was making a big deal out of it out in the hall. Howard said Ronnie acts like he owns the club when he's there. Ronnie said he was just sitting there talking to this stripper about cars. He said she had a fast car and they were talking about that. Then this 21 year old walks in. He said she sat down and he asked her what the sash said. He said she said it says she's 21. He said he just said she deserves a dance. He said then she lifted up her dress. Brent said then he ordered the stripper to dance for her.
Howard played more of the audio of Ronnie at the club and hoped that maybe he'd hear that part of the tape. In the clip Ronnie was yelling and asking about the 21 year old. They were on the second floor so Ronnie mentioned that in the clip.
Ronnie said the guys all had fun and that's all he cares about. Howard said Ronnie saw that 21 year old's cooch. He said that's all he cared about. Howard said she was a new 21 year old. JD said this was the first he was even hearing about this. He missed out. Howard and Fred were doing their Ronnie voices talking about how young and fresh that girl was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he used to be a fan of Ronnie until this conversation. He said he's really a sick fuck. Ronnie said yeah, he's a sick fuck. Brent said this guy's eyes would have been glued to this girl too. Howard and Fred were still doing their Ronnie voices.
Howard took a call from a woman who thanked Fred for making Ronnie the most hilarious creep ever. Fred did more of his Ronnie voice for her. The caller asked what is wrong with Ronnie. Howard and Fred talked over that and made comments like Ronnie might make. Howard said if she knows who Jack Parr is then her pussy is too old. He asked if her pussy saw the Seinfeld finale.
Ronnie said JD had a favorite girl that night. He said she had a big rump. Brent liked her too. JD said he thinks she was Columbian. He said she was dark skinned. Howard said JD is not a racist. JD said certainly not. Howard said JD likes a big ass. JD said he likes a nice shape. Brent said she had huge tits too. He said she was hot.
Howard asked JD what happened with her. JD said he got his second dance from her. He said he went over to her and asked for a dance. He said she had an ass like two big basketballs. He said it seemed pretty natural. He said he saw her early on and he told her to get away from him or he'd have lost all of his money. Ronnie said he had his money so he wouldn't have lost it.
Howard said he has a new JD loves big butts song. He played that for everyone. Howard asked if his dick was chafed after that. JD said it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why Ronnie isn't JD's best man. Howard said it is weird. He said he heard that Ronnie's whole speech was about how he can't believe he's not invited to his wedding. Ronnie said he was just joking but it is hurtful. Brent said he made that point 3 times during the speech. JD said he would love to have a lot of people there but this is how it has to be. Howard said JD fucked up. He said he has a personal relationship with Ronnie. He said that Ronnie got JD laid on the road. He said he's like a dirty grandpa. Ronnie said he remembers speaking to JD's dad and he appreciated him looking out for his son. Howard said his dad wasn't getting JD laid. He said Ronnie did that.
Howard said JD spends 90 percent of his life at work and none of his coworkers are going to be there. He said that Ronnie drove JD to Philly to Steven Singer to get the ring. JD said they're blowing this out of proportion. He said his fiancee wanted to invite more people too. He said they can't do it. He said they decided to have it just be their parents and his brother. He said that's it. Howard asked if she's having any personal friends. JD said no. Howard said bullshit.
Howard asked JD why he cant make a decision. JD said it was part of his. He said it's just his parents and his brother. Robin said he wouldn't even know this girl if it wasn't for Ronnie. JD said she didn't introduce her to him.
JD said they had to say no to everyone so they don't upset certain people. He said that it's just his parents and her parents and his brother. Ronnie said he invited him and Jon and then disinvited them. Howard said uninvited. Ronnie said he likes disinvited. Howard said alright. He said it's a weird fucking wedding.
JD thanked Ronnie and Jon for the bachelor party. Howard asked if he's having a best man or not. JD said he doesn't think so. He said he's 95 percent sure it's just the two of them up there. He said he's not sure exactly.
Howard asked if JD wrote his vows. JD said he did it right after the bachelor party. He said he was way drunk when he wrote them. JD said they're in his bag right now. Howard said they call that the douche bag. He said he has to read them to him. He said go get the fucking speech. JD said she'll hear it. Howard said so what. He said he'll make it better.
Howard asked if he wrote his vows while he still had stripper glitter on him. JD said he may have. Howard said if the fiancee is listening then she has to turn off her radio. Howard told JD to go get the vows.
Howard said he thinks that JD was all fired up after the strip club so maybe it's going to be good. Howard said he bets that he dribbled in his pants. JD said he definitely leaked.
JD came back in with his vows. He read the notes and said that he loves her so much and she's a beautiful creature. Howard said he wants to hear it all and then go over it. JD said he can't imagine her life without her. He said he's crying because she means to much to him. He said they have so much fun and he doesn't want it to end. He said he hopes she'll still marry him.
Howard said he has to scratch the word ''creature.'' He said you don't call your wife that. Howard asked what else he can say. JD came up with person or woman. Howard said every sentence started the same and he sounds like a 5th grader. JD said he was drunk. Howard said there was nothing personal about the vows. He said that's anything that could come out of a greeting card.
Howard asked what JD likes about his fiancee. JD told Howard he likes her personality. Howard threw that into the vows. Howard said he has to do better than that.
Howard asked JD about what's beautiful about her and what he likes about them. JD said they're green... he's pretty sure. Howard asked JD what happens when he looks in her eyes. JD said he feels good. He said he feels the love. Howard told JD what to write about that.
Howard asked JD to read him the next sentence. JD read about how he can't imagine his life without her. Howard said how about ''I want you in my life forever.'' JD said that's what he means. Howard said come on. JD said he's done with this. Howard said he could write about what he loves in his life like Stove Top Stuffing. He said he's all cliché.
Howard had JD read it back to him again. JD read the vows to him again. Howard picked them apart and gave him suggestions on what to write instead. Howard said he has to go back and be specific about her. Robin said he has to say what her smile means to him. JD said that's what he did. He said it all means something to him. Robin said he's not putting his meaning on paper.
JD said he also wrote ''I hope you'll still marry me.'' Howard asked what that means. JD said he's not sure. He said he wrote it while he was drunk. Robin asked what a vow is. Howard said you have to say what you promise what you'll do for her. Howard said you have to vow to be an ear for her to talk to and all of that. Howard said JD has shit for brains. JD said he really does. Howard said he has to get his shit together. JD said he knows.
Howard said JD thinks that he can write a movie some day. JD took his headphones off and said he's done. He started to walk out. He said it always goes back to that. JD said that just annoys him. He said everyone in there is annoying. Howard asked if he helped him there. JD said he did. He said he will go back and fix it.
Howard asked if it's a good idea to go to Vivid and get lap dances before getting married. JD said he was ready to marry any stripper back in the day. He said that he thinks he has it in the proper perspective. Robin said he wanted to see if he was ready to get married. Howard asked if they're not invited because he doesn't want them critiquing him there. JD said that Jason told everyone to keep notes. He said that's not cool.
Howard said a bunch of people showed up a half hour or 45 minutes late. Howard asked who was late. JD said there was a group that showed up together. Jason came in and said that it was a lot of the guys in the back office who showed up late. He said it's a lot of guys they don't talk about.
Gary said a lot of the guys went to the wrong bar. Jason said he walked in at 8:05 and he felt horrible. He said Ronnie, Scott, Benjy and Jon were there. He said that was it. He said they were talking about stool softeners and things like that. JD said he heard Scott talking about that.
Howard said he heard that Steve Nowicki got a stripper's phone number. Howard said he must be good looking. Robin said he must be. Howard said those girls are grossed out by most guys. Shuli said that he doesn't even have to try. He said that Steve went to a show with him and this woman had food for him. Howard said that Steve must be good looking. Robin said Steve's face is perfect. Howard said he's never heard those words.
Steve came in and said this girl was so fucking hot. He said that she was dancing for him. He said she was chilling with him and said he didn't have to pay for dances. JD said he's never heard that. Steve said that he told her about a party he was going to and she said she wanted to come so he got her number. Howard said he probably could have gotten her that night. Shuli said she was asking him for his number. Steve said he got her number and texted her. Howard said he just gets that because he has a perfect face. Steve said he has a good personality. Howard said it's not that great.
Howard said he heard that this girl gave Jason a dance and he got upset. Steve said he didn't get that upset. He said she was dancing on Jason so he did get a little upset. The caller said he had better get used to that. Howard said she still has to work. Steve said he's not sure he can date a stripper. Howard said Steve will find out.
Howard said look at this kid. He said he's something else. He said he used to get pissed off because his roommate Lou was like that. He said that he thought he had a better personality but he didn't. He said that he wasn't able to get one fucking number. He said it was frustrating. Howard said he has to go. He let the caller off the line. Howard said he hasn't taken one break yet. He said they're so far behind on breaks. Howard said he could keep going and not take a break. He said he really does have to take one though. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
The caller said that with Les Moonves you have to love Karma. He said it's a beautiful thing. He said Howard has to be happy about it. Howard said he doesn't want to dwell on this. Howard said he doesn't believe in Karma. He said that there are serial killers how never get caught. He said that he's not sure there is such a thing.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks that Les will stay or go. Robin said he will not stay. Fred said he thinks he'll go. Gary said he doesn't think he'll make it. Howard said he says he's out too. He said he thinks they're waiting for something. Gary said he thinks in light of everything going on they can't keep him.
Howard asked why they haven't gotten rid of him yet. Gary said they may not have a replacement. He said he's been doing well for them and they may not want to rush him out. Gary said with Charlie Rose they had multiple women accusing him of doing things. He said this is one woman but he still doesn't think he'll make it.
Howard asked if Les will be defiant and stay in the public eye and will Julie stay with him. Robin said she thinks that Julie is the only one who will believe him. She said she may stick by him. Howard asked if she's thinking in the back of her mind like ''Jesus Christ...'' Howard asked if Julie will get pushed out of her job. Robin said she's not sure. She said she doesn't think she'll be quitting. Fred said he thinks she'll stay. He said she brings viewers to the table. Robin said it might look wrong if they fire her.
Howard asked if they fire her husband and he says he shouldn't be fired, she's not going to walk out for her man? Robin said no. She said she likes being on TV. Howard said she's like Benjy who has to get air time.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Julie will be divorced in a year. Howard spent a few seconds with her and then hung up on her.
Howard took a call from fake Les Moonves and kept him on for a few seconds before taking a call from a listener. The caller said that JD needs to have goals in common with his fiancee. He said he needs to talk about his values and goals. Fred, as JD, said they both like Chipotle. Robin said they celebrated some anniversary there.
The caller asked if JD or Les' marriage will last longer. Howard laughed. He said they say that Julie is going to stick by her man. Robin said Frank Gifford embarrassed Kathie Lee and she stuck with him. Howard said that's right.
Howard said he has to take another break because they're so far behind. He said he has to talk about Sean Spicer's book tour. He said he got hammered. He said he really shouldn't have written a book. Robin said he might be a little thick. Howard said he might be stupid. Howard did a live commercial read and took another break.
Howard said Jim Meyer must keep his dick in his pants. He said that he hopes that he keeps it in there. He said he is a perfect gentleman from what he can tell. He said he only seduced him once but he wanted it.
Howard said Jon Stewart knew Anthony Weiner and he made light of that when that scandal all came out. Robin said that Jon keeps having that happen to him.
Howard said he has the Colbert clip. He played Colbert's statement about Les. In the clip Colbert was talking about how Les has been a good boss. He said that accountability is meaningless unless something is done.
Howard said that's what to do when the boss gets in trouble. Robin said he's also his guy. Robin said that James Corden was in there and he praised Les up and down about how he discovered him. Howard said that remains true. Robin said yeah, but... Howard said it's a tough decision on what to do there.
Howard said Sean Spicer wrote a book. He said he went out to sign books and people get a hold of him. He said if you're Sean Spicer the rap is that he just lied for the president. Howard said he lied about the crowds at the inauguration. He said that he's getting hammered wherever he goes.
Howard said the tour hasn't gone smoothly. He said a guy heckled him and called him a liar at one of the book signings. Howard played the clip and the guy called Sean a piece of garbage. He said people will not come and pay money to hear him speak. He called the book garbage as he was being kicked out.
Howard said seriously it didn't get any better. He had another clip from a book signing in Rhode Island. Howard said the guy comes up and says he went to school with him and he called him the N-word in school. Howard said this is like when Bill Clinton wrote his book and people were coming up to him at the signings. Howard played some of the audio from the Rhode Island signing. The guy said that Sean wanted to fight him and Sean called him the n-word. Howard said that's what was going on at the book signings. Robin asked who thought it would be a good idea for him to write a book. Howard said if Sarah Huckabee Sanders writes a book it's going to be a steel cage match.
Robin said she thinks that Sanders is starting to crack. She said that Sarah didn't know what to say at a press conference the other day.
Howard said Sean Spicer was asked some questions by a British reporter. He said she just ripped into him. Howard played that clip and the reporter was talking about how this is not a joke. Sean was talking about the false stories and false narratives that the media have had. He said he wrote a book that he thinks is a fairly strong representation of what happened in the campaign. The reporter kept asking about the lies and half truths that he was spreading as the President's agent. Spicer said that was his job to get Trump's words out there when he wasn't available.
Howard said Sean Spicer is just saying ''I was just doing my job.'' like people did in World War II. Howard said that it has to be a massive pain in the ass for this guy and anyone in Trump's administration.
Robin said that there are reporters who have to get body guards because of what Trump's people are doing to the media. Howard said that it's got to be tough to sell a book for this guy. Howard did his impression of the woman asking Spicer about his book and made up what Spicer could have said to her. He had her asking about the things he said and had Spicer telling her she should buy 2 books and he'll give her a deal.
Howard replayed some of the audio and continued to do his impression of the reporter. Howard had her saying that she queefed on his book in the book store.
Howard asked if anyone knows how that ended. He wondered if it ended like a Sacha Baron Cohen show. Howard said that's such a great show. He said that Dick Cheny signed a water boarding kit on the show. He said that show is pretty awesome. Robin said that one dude pulls his pants down. Howard said it's just crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who wasn't there when he picked up. He said the guy was depressed and needed some advice. Howard said he's the last guy you want to talk to. He said why not call Mr. Cheerie. The caller, Paul, turned out to be there so he said that he's having a hard time finding a therapist. He said that he's not sure what to do. He said he's been drinking himself to sleep and things like that. Howard said we don't give enough credence to good therapy. He said you can see on a lot of health plans it's not covered very well. The caller said he called Howard because he's been so good with his own therapy. Howard said he has had some luck with it.
Howard asked Paul if he has insurance. Paul said he was told he can't get insurance until November 1st. He said it's all very confusing. He said it makes things worse when they tell you they can't help.
Fred suggested going to a group therapy thing. Howard said maybe that's the thing to do. Howard asked what his job is. Paul said he works for a sports lettering company. Howard said he has Al Jolsen on the phone and he runs NAMI. That's the group Fred suggested. Chris Wilding was doing the voice of Al. He told Paul to snap out of it. Howard let Al go a short time later. Paul said this show makes him feel better. He said it's one of the few things that does that for him. Howard played a song parody that fake Al Jolsen did about Robin's mammaries. Howard said that was Ronnie's prom song.
Howard said he does suggest therapy if you can get it. Paul asked what he should do. Howard took another call from a guy who said he didn't have insurance down in Florida. He said he went to AA and they will help and listen to you no matter what problems you have. He said you can go to the open meetings. He said that if you have some sort of mental issues you can go to the open meetings. He said you don't need to have a drinking problem. Howard asked about NAMI. The caller said he had never heard of that. He said he's been listening to Howard for like 30 years. He said he helps and he's been listening for 30 years. Howard said that's the thing to do if you have depression. He said just don't call the show.
Howard told Paul to give that AA meeting thing a try. Paul said he'll do that. Howard said maybe up in Seattle you'll see some cool guys. He said that Chris Cornell is gone though. The guy from Florida said he saw Elton John and Eric Clapton in a meeting. Howard said Jerry Lewis was a big fan of NAMI. He had a clip of Jerry singing about NAMI. Howard said he should go on the road and sing Mammy.
Howard told Paul to give that a try. Robin said she loved that the other guy told them that Eric Clapton and Elton John were in a meeting. Robin said they're supposed to be anonymous. Howard said he knows people who are in AA and they keep it quiet. There are others who don't keep it quiet. Robin said you can out yourself if you want to. Howard said Sam Kinison used to do that. He said he'd come in with his 10 day chip and drink on the show. Howard said he once got to 25 days and got a magnum of champagne. Howard did a live commercial read and took another break.
Howard said they should do some news. He said they've done a hell of a show. He said they talked about JD and his bachelor party and about his vows. He said he's not sure why he wrote them on a hotel pad. Howard asked what hotel that was. JD said it was a Mariott. JD said he was at the hotel Saturday night. He said his fiancee had friends over so they stayed at the apartment and he stayed at the hotel. Howard asked if he jerked off at the hotel after the bachelor party. JD said he thinks he passed out. He said he didn't jerk off in the hotel after that. He said he was too out of it. He said it was taking forever to cum.
Howard said JD was feeling guilty so he wrote the vows after that. JD said he planned it before. He said he thought it would be interesting to be inebriated while he wrote them. Howard said that theory went horribly wrong. Howard said he planned to write his vows after his bachelor party. JD said he did. JD said he's not perfect. Howard said he is perfect for this show.
Howard said you know JD went to his room and figured he'd better write his vows. He said he had to take a long shower to get the glitter off him. He asked if there's a more inappropriate time to write vows after being in some stripper's tits just hours before. Howard said you have to clean up and go home to your wife. Howard said maybe it's better than doing it after cheating on your spouse.
Robin said it would be even more wrong to do it after cheating. Howard said JD had a long night of debauchery and then wrote his vows. He said it's like a purging. He said Les probably had to buy Julie Chen a bunch of stuff. Robin said he probably had to buy her an island.
Howard did his Les Moonves and Julie Chen impression and made up the conversation they may have had when Julie found out about what Les was accused of.
Howard said that he has a new megaphone. He was having trouble with one megaphone so he tried the new one. He wasn't having any trouble with that one. Howard continued to make up what Les and Julie's conversation could have been like. He had Les telling Julie to just go do her show. They were talking about Ronan Farrow and how he may have written something about Les. He had Julie saying this sounds weird coming from him. Howard had Les saying that she's not going to believe him after she hears what he has to say. Then he had Les break the news to her. He had Julie freaking out and Les trying to calm her down over it. He told Julie that he bought Turks and Caicos for her and it's going to be known as Turks and Julie from now on. He had Julie asking what he did. Fake Les was telling Julie that it's really nothing.
Howard had Les telling Julie that he's going to rename shows on CBS after her. Les told Julie he won't lose his job. Julie told him that she just wants this to go away. He had Les telling her that he's going to have the CBS eye changed to look like an Asian eye for her. Howard said she's replacing Stephen Colbert too. Howard said that was some phone call. He said she's going to replace Colbert.
Howard said he's wondering what's going on at home. He said it must be horrible. Robin said when you have children you have to sit them down. Howard said ''...and lie to them.'' Robin said it's a shame.
Robin said the advertisers aren't bailing on CBS yet. Robin said it was like that on FOX News with Roger Ailes too. She said that it was just when the individual show hosts got accused that they bailed. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said that it is time for news. He had a song parody for her to get her into it. He said that was a great tribute to Robin. He said he's sure there's a lot going on in the world.
Robin started her news with a story about microwaving food in plastic. Howard said he thinks it's bad. Robin said they say that you should not cook food for kids in plastic. Robin said they say that even washing plastics in dishwashers can leak dangerous chemicals. Howard said he knows you're not supposed to use China dishes in the microwave. Howard said he has a bowl that he uses to cook his food in the microwave. He said it doesn't get the food hot. He said the bowl gets hot. Robin said that's stoneware. Howard said he's not sure what to use to get the food hot. Robin said she thinks glass works. Howard said it doesn't get the food hot. Fred said it does get it hot. He said glass works. He said not foam or aluminum foil. Howard said he knows that.
Robin said they also say that people should avoid plastics with recycling codes of 3, 6 and 7. Howard said he's not sure where the word China came from. He said that's what his mom used to call it. He said she'd only use it for special occasions. Gary said they named it after the country of origin. It was China. Howard said it wasn't for every day use. Robin said she doesn't get not using it. Why buy it if you're not going to use it. Howard said he's not sure who they were waiting for to come over. Howard said he thinks they used it on Passover. Robin said doctors recommend glass or stainless steel packaging. Robin said just don't put the steel in the microwave. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he wasn't allowed to sit in the living room either as a kid. He said that it was a waste of a room. He said they had to cram everyone in there when they had people over. Robin said that most people don't have people over to their living room. Howard said he's had a meeting in his living room at times. He said he should open it up as an office or something. Robin said she thought it was odd that someone she knows put a pool table in their living room. She said at least they were using the room. Howard said it can be completely wasteful.
Robin asked if Howard has ever heard of an internal decapitation. Howard said that's a sex term he uses with Fred. Robin said this man suffered from an internal decapitation in a car accident. Robin said he rolled the car on the side and his skull was detached from his spine. Robin said they used screws and months of rehab and now he's talking again. Robin said he has learned how to walk again and he has 50 percent mobility in his head. Howard said doctors are amazing. Robin said they have a long road to recovery but this guy is a fighter. Robin said he overcame a brain tumor at the age of 16. Robin said there was no split outside but his head was pulled apart. Howard said they say he hopes to stop shitting his pants by 2026. Robin told him to stop it. Howard said 10 years ago they probably couldn't have helped that guy. Howard said don't wait for him to invent something. He said it won't happen.
Robin read a story about a man who was ordered to pay a man compensation in a lawsuit because he had sex with the man's wife. Howard said that the woman should be responsible. Robin said she's not sure why but this guy has to pay. Robin said that this guy filed a case against this guy for having the affair. Robin said that he had to prove that his marriage was happy and this guy ruined it. Robin said the man has to pay $8.8 million. Robin said this law is known as alienation of affection. Robin said they have this obscure law in 6 states. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Les Moonves story and had some audio of what Julie Chen said on The Talk on July 27th. Robin had Howard play that. Julie said she issued one and only one statement on Twitter. She didn't say what she said. Robin said she has known Les since the late 90s and she has been married to him for 14 years and he's a living man and inspiring corporate leader among other things she also said she supports her husband in this. That led to Howard doing his Les and Julie on the phone bit again. He had them talking about what Les was going to do for her to make it up to her. He had CBS changed to the Chen Broadcasting System and some other things. He had Julie telling Les that his penis was on double probation.
Robin asked how you return to life after these allegations. Robin said Matt Lauer is working his way back into the Hamptons social scene. Robin said he was out at a Paddle for Pink event recently. Howard went back into his Les impression and had him going there too. He had him going to a bunch of places to help women out. Then he was saying he was going to transition into a woman and he was becoming Leslie. Robin asked if Julie asked Les when he discovered he had done bad things. She wondered if it was in a sensitivity meeting at CBS. Howard had Les and Julie talk a little bit about that.
Robin read more about Matt Lauer who was in a paddle board race. Robin said his car had a for sale sign in it. Robin said she's not sure what that means. Howard said that might not be the best way to sell a car. Robin said maybe not.
Robin read a story about the President tweeting about something that contradicted what he has said before about the meeting with the Russians at Trump Tower. Robin said that if you listen to Bill Maher's HBO special you'll find that he was almost foretelling the future. Robin had a clip from his special where Bill talked about the lies that don't last long before they change their story. He goes on and on about how there was no collusion and no criminal collusion and so on. He said they are on the side of crime.
Robin said that was all before this all came out this weekend. Howard said the whole thing is bizarre. Robin said one reporter said that when a father and son are accused of something the father steps up and takes the blame. Robin said Trump threw his own son under the bus. Robin said that Jay Sekelow is one of Trump's attorneys and he went on TV and admitted he misspoke when he said the President had nothing to do with the statement that came out after that meeting. Robin had some audio of that conversation with George Stephanopoulos. Howard said Trump has to get rid of that guy. He said he's not making any sense. Robin had more audio for Howard to play. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read another story about Trump tweeting about how Don Lemon might be the dumbest man on TV after seeing Lebron James interviewed by him. Robin said that he was doing an interview with Lebron James. Robin said that Michael Jordan came out in defense of Lebron. Robin said even the first lady was defending Lebron James after Trump bashed him. Howard said there's a lot going on there. Robin said Lebron called Trump a bum at one point. Robin had some audio of that. Robin said then the question was if Trump is racist. She said that he has called out Maxine Waters, Don Lemon and Lebron James now. Howard said he thinks that Donald doesn't like anyone who doesn't like him. Robin said they say he's an equal opportunity offender but he may be calling all black people who attack him by calling them stupid. Howard said he doesn't know about that. Robin said forget about that and look at what he's doing. Robin said you have to wonder if he's breaking the law and changing progress where we've made progress in racial discrimination. Howard said it's weird to see the president tweeting about a basketball player. Robin said he called Meryl Streep mediocre. She said he called De Niro stupid too. Robin said it's not just sports figures he attacks.
Robin read a story about President Trump doing some rallies and attacking the press. Robin said he was constantly attacking the press calling them the enemy. Robin said someone asked Ivanka Trump about it. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Ivanka was talking about how she was against family separation in that clip. Howard said she has some vocal fry in that clip. He said oh no, not Ivanka. Howard said the free press in this country is the greatest thing. He said that it might be the greatest thing about this country. He said the countries that are the worst don't allow free press. Howard said they have to stop with the rhetoric about the press. He said people are threatening the press now. Robin said it's very crazy.
Robin said the President is questioning the Russia investigation and he's taking Putin's word that he didn't interfere with the election. Robin said that everyone else around him is saying that Russia definitely tried to influence the election. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about Al Sharpton demanding justice after a shooting down in Florida. Robin had some audio of Al Sharpton talking about this shooting of Marquis McLaughlin. Howard said he saw that video and he has to agree with Al on that one. He said that the white dude was carrying a gun and then he's threatening the guy to leave a handicapped spot with the gun. Howard said call the cops if you think he shouldn't be there. He said the white guy is yelling at this guy and the other guy pushed him down. He said then the white guy fired at the black guy. He said after watching the video it looked completely excessive to him. Robin said they have a stand your ground law in Florida. She said that means if you're in fear of your life then you have the right and no charges are filed. Howard said that's a tricky one. He said he's all for people defending themselves but that was a weird ass situation.
Robin read a story about 6 people being arrested in a plot to kill the Venezuelan president. Robin said there was an attempt on his life on Saturday with a drone.
Robin read a story about Paul Manafort's trial that is going on this week.
Robin read a story about Demi Lovato who is now in rehab. Robin said she has issued her first statement since this occurred on July 24th. Robin read the statement from Lovato.
Robin read a story about Charlotte Rae who was on Facts of Life has died at the age of 92. Fred played a body slamming the ground. Robin had Howard play the Facts of Life theme song. Robin said she passed away yesterday. Howard played Robin singing Demi Lovato's ''Skyscraper'' song.
Robin read a story about Mission Impossible being number 1 at the box office again this weekend. Robin said it's a great action film. Howard asked if there is a plot they can sink their teeth into. Robin said yes. She said everyone is really good in the movie. She said she thinks they can continue to make more of them after this. Howard said JD told him that some guy was sleeping during the movie and snoring so loud that it kind of ruined the movie for him. JD said there were some quiet parts and this guy was snoring during it. He said he wanted to throw stuff at him. Howard said JD is as big of a pussy as he is about that stuff. He said he could never do that either.
Howard asked what Tom Cruise has to do to keep this guy's attention. JD said it was so loud. Howard said you want to ask the guy why he'd pay to see the movie and not stay awake. Howard said he wishes he could do that. He said he'd love to be Chuck Zito and just tell someone to shut the fuck up. Howard said that's who he wants to be. He said he'd like to go to the movie and wait for someone to fall asleep and then yell at them. Robin said the movie should end up with $124 million in the first 10 days it's been out. Howard asked if Tom Cruise could kill someone. Robin said no way. She said that he's a fidget. Howard said how dare you use that term. Robin said she shouldn't use that but that's the way she feels. Howard said he has to have some skills. Robin said no he doesn't. Howard said Keanu Reeves must. Robin said maybe. She wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show asking if he should start with a phone call or some fun with Yoko Ono tapes. Robin said maybe the phone call fun. Howard said he'll start with the Yoko Ono phone call. He said Yoko has an unusual performance art ability. Robin asked if he calls that art. Howard said of course it is. He said Picasso painted those faces with the eyes on the side. He said that's art. Robin said she went to see his stuff over in Spain.
Howard said you know Yoko's sound. He said that this is an exercise with her sound. Howard had some audio of her performing at the Museum of Modern Art. He said you can have fun by making calls with her voice. Howard said maybe Robin can get into something like that. He had another clip of Yoko at the Glastonberry festival where she was screaming. He said that if you don't understand or get it then you lack culture. Howard said that maybe she's part person part car alarm.
Howard said they used those clips and called a religious show. He played the call and the guys called in as someone having issues with a possessed spirit inside them. They had Yoko screaming as the spirit. The religious show hosts were calling for the spirit to leave that person's body. One of the guys knew it was a fake call. One host said that no one would do that. The woman said that it was a spirit in there and that's not a fake call.
Howard said that's how you have fun with Yoko sounds. He said there was a lot of debate about if that was a man or a woman and Brother James figured out that it was an ''Amonomous'' phony phone call.
Howard had Yoko on the phone so he took that call. One of the guys in the back was doing a Yoko impression singing a new song. Howard said that was a possessed spirit for sure.
Jim said that Erik is great. Howard said he really is. Howard had the ''People of earth'' clip that Jim was reciting. Howard said that was from some event she was doing. Jim said he think sit was earth day. Howard said it was. He said he loves Yoko. He said he loves the art installations she used to do.
Howard asked what he can do for Jim. Jim asked what he thinks about Alex Jones being banned everywhere. Howard said a lot of people he has found lack an opinion. He said that people are reading that Alex Jones is being kicked off their services. Howard said people don't know what to think. Howard said many people turn to him for a thought. He said that they're really not clear on this. He said it's annoying when people don't have an opinion on this. He said he's got one and he's right about this.
Howard said Alex never had great success on radio. He said that his show is one of those weird things. He said you can't even find what stations he's on. He said that he doesn't want to be canceled so he doesn't list them. Howard said Jones says that the Sandy Hook shooting didn't happen. He said that he knows it happened but he has decided to sell his own beliefs and opinions to entertain an audience. Howard said the guy isn't insane. He said he's a broadcaster who is doing a show for a certain fringe of people. Howard said you have to make a living and you want to be known so you find a shtick. He said his shtick was like doing stories that are in The Globe or the Weekly World News. Howard said they did it in an entertainment form. He said they found a loyal audience of morons who bought into that stuff. He said they had stories about things like the Bat Boy who was half bat and half person.
Howard said one time they found an African tribe who found a picture of Howard Stern and they were worshiping his picture down there. He said that they went as far as to dress up some black guys to look like a tribe in Africa.
Howard said in show business you have to decide what you want to be. He said Alex Jones chose this weird and wacky path. He said it's an interesting thing to do. He said he finds it to be interesting. He said he's not sure what his business model is but he's working and making a living. He said the big story today is that Alex Jones is being kicked off all of the big social media outlets. He said Facebook, Twitter, Spotify and others have removed him for stepping over some sort of line. Howard said that brings us to today. He said Jim wants to know what to think.
Howard said somewhere along the line Alex Jones decided to say that things like Sandy Hook didn't happen. Howard said some of the retards in his audience believed it and they started to go and visit families of these Sandy Hook victims. Howard said this one dad said he never thought people would yell and attack him for having a child that died. Gary said they did a charity event there last year and this guy went up and said that their kids were not dead. He had to be arrested.
Howard said that Alex Jones goes and does his shtick. He said he was making more and more outrageous claims on his show. He said you can't keep it to space aliens. Robin said the audience thinks it's real. Howard said they had one story about Robert Mueller having sex with kids. Howard said this is one of the most buttoned down dudes on the planet. He said he's just reading about this stuff he's doing. He said he's doing it to entertain the audience and the audience wants the outrageousness. He said the guy knows that this stuff isn't true. He said he's doing it like the Weekly World News.
Howard said the problem is that the audience doesn't know that it's fake. He said they think that WWE wrestling is real. He said this is just entertainment and not real. He said the fans still insist it's real. He said they're wackos. Howard said people who watch wrestling are ill. He said they're two guys pretending to beat each other up. He said you might as well watch gay porn. He said if you're watching two big guys wrestling with each other then you might as well watch gay porn. He said it's gay porn asshole. Robin said it's soft core.
Howard said they told these idiots who watch the WWE that it's fake and they still think it's like Santa and you don't say that.
Howard said there are people out there who still believe the Weekly World News. He said even dummies have to read something.
Howard said what do we do about Alex Jones. Howard said he is Mr. free speech. He said he has had his run in with that. He said that when he was on regular radio he was all about free speech but there are rules. He said there are rules on Facebook and Spotify and all of that. Howard said there is no free speech. He said that's just a fact. He said it can't exist. He said you can't yell fire in a theater. He said if you're harming people then you can't say anything you want to. Howard said at the end of the day they're not worried about Alex Jones. They're worried about being sued.
Howard said he wasn't able to say cunt or asshole on regular radio. He said he had to review the rules. He said it gets heavier than that. He said you can't slander or libel someone. He said even on Sirius the rules are relaxed but they can't have Sal and Richard put their dicks in each other's ass as much as they want to. He said Richard wants him to drug him and undress him on the air. Howard said it might be a great bit but they'll be fired. He said if Richard dies when he drugs him then he's going to get in trouble. Howard said Sirius is worried about that. He said they have rules there.
Howard said Ronnie can put a dildo in his ass at home but he can't insert there. He said Sal and Richard want to shoot Roman candles out of their assholes. He said they can't do it there. Robin said they had to do the Benjy and Perez Hilton thing off site. Howard said they have rules.
Howard said not every rule is very clear. He said there are rules for Facebook, YouTube and Spotify. He said as much as you want no censorship, they have to go by the rules. He said people are going after families of the Sandy Hook victims. He said the companies have to think about all of that.
Howard said he got thrown off radio stations for going too far. He said that's how it goes. Jim said that he's been doing this all these years though. He asked why they're all doing it now. Howard said it's simple math. He said you want to be bankrupted then continue airing Alex Jones. He said they have rules on Facebook. He said convicted sex offenders can't use it. He asked Jim if it's a good rule. Jim said that's a ridiculous comparison. Howard said it's not. He said they have rules. It's their rules and their game. He said if you want to start a social media platform then have one for convicted sex offenders and Alex Jones. He said you'll have the corner on the market for that. Howard said he's just saying that's how it works. He said you have to play in certain boundaries. He said he's not a free spirit.
Robin said where free speech exists is where there is no industry. Howard said Alex can have free speech on Mars. He said you can't go out and scream you want to kill someone. He said companies aren't willing to take the risk. Jim said how about the NY Times. He said they're racists. Howard said Jim knows that there's a difference there. He asked if you're willing to back Alex Jones and what he's up to now. He said that's the problem. He said he doesn't care what Alex Jones says. He said he's for total free speech but they have to drop their rules and you have to drop all of these lawsuits. He said Alex knows the rules and he's stepping over them.
Jim said this weekend they did it. Howard said that's what happens. He said there is no such thing as free speech. Howard said you have to lawyer up. Howard said he's for all opinions. He said that he's not going to put up his money for that guy. He said Alex has free speech. He said YouTube is choosing not to distribute his stuff. He said they're drawing a line. Jim said there is a lot of dangerous shit out there to be worried about Alex Jones all of a sudden.
Howard said they're talking about treason with Trump now. He warned the guy not to run. He said they're talking about treason now. He said he was having a great life at Mar-a-lago. He said now he's going to end up in jail. He said Robert Mueller is a pitbull. He said you don't fuck with the FBI. He said they always get their man. He said you don't fuck with those guys. He said that Donald has to get an exit plan going quick. He said he has to get out of there.
Howard said there are people who don't know there are rules. He said it's all a game they're playing. He said that you have to read the signals. Jim asked if you should fight that. Howard said you can't win that fight. Howard said go fight the FBI. Robin asked if we need to fight for the right to have a guy playing piano with his penis?
Howard had fake Alex Jones on the phone. He spent a couple of minutes talking to fake Alex about what he's planning to do. He had his conspiracy theories going about all of the stuff going on with him. Alex got in some plugs for his bullshit products he sells on his web site. Howard let Alex go and talked about how he's sure Alex has a different personality off the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that there are user agreements that these people have to agree to. He said it's a corporation and not the government so it's not a free speech issue. Howard said that's right. He said if you read the rules there are like a million of them. He said that he has an Instagram account and when he joined he read that if he publishes a nude picture they will remove your account. Howard said that's their prerogative. He said if he posts something of his wife up there they decide. He said that's not his decision. Howard said that's it with the rules.
Howard said they have like 50 violations of their own rules that Alex has broken. He said you can't put a naked picture on Instagram. He said that's the rules.
Howard said everyone is wacky. He said it's like the NFL. He said they don't have freedom in the NFL. He said you're a slave if you're in the NFL. He said you can't just go to a different team. He said there's no freedom there either. He said it's a monopoly. Robin said it's the same in every sport.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he called in to make sure Bobo can't get on. He said he heard that recently on the show. Howard said he did say that recently. He said Bobo is on the line but because this guy called in he won't get to Bobo. The caller said he's just doing his duty. Howard thanked him for calling in. He had nothing else to add. The caller said they need more Ronnie too. Howard said without The Moron you can't have More Ronnie.
Howard said they had Ronnie on yesterday talking about the bachelor party and the 21 year old. He had some clips they played. They also had a song parody about Ronnie that they played before going to break.
Howard came back and said that was a good show. He said he wants to hear more of that. He let out a belch and said that someone said it's like Gary's clearing of the throat. He said that's not a good comparison. He said it's not even close.
Howard said they got a lot of feedback about the new video they have of Gary listening to Sal's ''Dell'Abito'' song parody. Howard read some of that email about the video.
Howard said go on the app and listen to the song. He played some of the song. He said he got some comments on Robin's ''Since You've Been Gone'' video too. He read through a few of those emails. He said someone said they would like to hear a Robin and Benjy song. He said everyone loves that video that Robin did. He played the audio of that too.
Howard said this guy saw the video and called it ''Penta Huge Tits'' instead of Pentatonix. Howard read a couple more emails about that. Howard said he wishes he could have that many Robin's in his life.
Howard said they studied Gary's jaw moving and they put that video up too. He said people wrote in about that. He read some mail about Gary's looks and teeth. Howard said someone said they didn't know just how yellow Gary's teeth are.
Howard said they got some email about Gary's cough button. Howard read some mail about that and people were thinking that maybe Gary's cough button is the cause of his coughing.
Howard read some email about JD's hooting laugh. He said that this guy suggested that it was just a nervous tick. He read an email about how he might have a retarded staffer with JD. Howard said he found someone who loves him and will marry him too. He had a song with JD's hoots in it that he played. That was to the tune of the Tetris theme.
Howard said that people want Ronnie the Robot back. He read some email about Robo Ronnie. Howard said he thought it was a bomb but people loved it. Howard said people really liked Ronnie the Robot. He had a lot of email about that.
Howard said he got a lot of email about Tan Mom too. He said he got an update on Tan Mom too. He said that she went into the recording studio. He said she has a new single. He said that he wasn't going to do this now but he might as well. He said she recorded a new song with Adam Barto. He said he produced her previous song ''It's Tan Mom Bitch.'' Howard played some of that song. He said they just get her talking and somehow create a song with it. Robin said that's like what they do with Beetlejuice. Howard said that's exactly what it is.
Howard said they have some audio of Tan Mom talking about what her song should be about. Howard said he doesn't understand what she's even saying. Howard played the clip and Tan Mom was rambling about what the song should be about. Howard asked what she's talking about. Robin didn't know. Howard asked what it's like to go through life when no one knows what you're talking about.
Howard said that Tan Mom doesn't think she's in the Wack Pack. He had the audio of Tan Mom talking about how she doesn't even know what that is. She said she doesn't want to associate with that. She said most of these people have problems. He said they're all a little special. She doesn't think she belongs in that group. Howard said he thinks she's still in the Wack Pack.
Howard said Tan Mom is all over the place. He said at one point in the recording studio she thinks the booth she goes into is a shower. Howard played a clip of Adam talking to Tan Mom and she asked if she can jump in that shower over there. Adam let her know that's the recording booth.
Howard said Adam let her go off the cuff so to speak. He said Tan Mom just talked about how she's not a Wack Packer. He played some audio of Tan Mom singing without any music. She was singing about how she's not a part of the Wack Pack. Howard said she just goes in there ranting and raving and they put music to it. Robin said she sounds just like Shuli's impression of her.
Howard said this is how Stevie Nicks writes her songs. He played more of Tan Mom singing. Howard said she's like Bob Dylan with a plate in his head. Howard had more of her singing and rambling. Robin said she likes it A Cappella. Howard said you'll hear the full song soon. He said she's kind of like Blondie talking through the songs.
Howard said this guy Adam gets together and starts improvising. He said that this is him jamming with her. He played a clip of Tan Mom rambling and Adam started singing his own lines. Tan Mom would sing a couple of lines after he sang. She was singing about taking off her clothes but that's not something she would do.
Howard said that's all over the place. He said he has a preview of the song which is ''Free to be Patricia Marie.'' Howard said that name is funnier than Tan Mom. Robin said that's like Lady Gaga going by Stephanie. Howard said Patricia is free to be Patricia Marie. He said he's not sure when she wasn't free to be that name.
Howard said this guy Adam is a guy with too much free time. He played the song that they created with her. Howard listened to it and laughed through it. They had her singing about how she's not part of the Wack Pack. Howard said it would be cool if this were JD's wedding song. Howard asked why she mentions Tan Mom so much in the song if she's free to be Patricia Marie.
Howard said Fred just popped ecstasy. He said he's touching his nipples. Howard said most of this song is Adam singing.
Howard played more of the song and Robin was laughing. Robin said she didn't know she loved EDM until now. They had a clip of Tan Mom saying some weird word like ''iflitrol.'' Howard said that was an update on Tan Mom. He went to break a short time later.
Ivanka talked about a clip that she had for Howard to play where she spoke to a homeless person. She asked Robin to please stop looking at her breasts. Howard asked her to set this up for the audience. She repeated her line about being an average New Yorker.
Howard played the clip of Ivanka asking a homeless man about why he's homeless when he could be a jizz mopper. The guy said he wanted to take her and fuck her in a bush.
Howard said that this would be a regular show there on Sirius. Howard said he likes her relating to average people on the street. Ivanka said it was good to speak to the every man. She said she usually rolls up the windows when they're around.
Howard said he's curious about her show. Ivanka said this person had teeth like a checkerboard and a personality just the same. Howard played the clip and the woman was talking to fake Ivanka about change and what it is since Ivanka didn't know.
Howard said it seems that she's making fun of people. He said you need some empathy. Ivanka said that she's going to have channel 102 there. Howard asked if Scott Greenstein likes her show. She said that she did have a meeting with Scott.
Howard played another interview Ivanka did with a homeless man. She asked why he was choosing to live on the street. The guy said he didn't choose this. Ivanka asked what brand he's wearing. he said regular clothes. Ivanka said her father has a job offer for him where they'd cut his hamstring and hunt him through the woods.
Howard asked if that's a real thing. Ivanka said that Eric is out hunting now. She said they're running out of animals so they need something to hunt. Ivanka said that homeless people need manicures. She said that she has asked her father to get on that ASAP.
Ivanka said that homeless people are just like them but just gross and smelly. She said they should treat them just the same as regular poor people. She told Fred to stop looking at her. She said she likes his beard pussy that he's grown.
Howard asked Ivanka about her clothing line being shut down. She said that her father wanted to see her without clothes so he's going to get that wish.
Howard asked if Ivanka knew about the Trump Tower meeting. Ivanka told some jokes about the family. Howard asked if her dad will ever sit with Robert Mueller. She said that she will sit on his lap.
Howard said her laugh is infectious. He asked if her dad is going to start a war with Iran. Ivanka said if the pee tape comes out maybe. She said if the pee and poo tapes both come out then it's over. She made sounds like a war was going on.
Howard spent a few more minutes with fake Ivanka. She got a phone call from her husband Jared and she said she had to go help him in the bathroom. Howard let her go after that. Howard said they knew her before she was important.
Howard said they say that Osama bin Laden's son married the daughter of a 9/11 hijacker. Howard said that was Muhammad Atta's daughter. Howard said that's kind of like a movie. He said they met on a show called The Asshole Bachelor. he said imagine that he married this girl. Robin said he's still part of Al Queda. He has some high post according to Robin. Howard did his impression of bin Laden's son talking to Atta's daughter.
Howard wondered if his vows were better than JD's. Robin said they had to be. Robin and Howard talked about those vows and goofed on JD with their impressions of bin Laden.
Howard said someone sent him an email about JD's vows. He read the email about that and the person was upset with him and Robin for goofing on JD. Howard said this guy says that it should only come from JD. Howard said that she's going to run away if JD calls her a ''creature.'' Robin said this is what she's going to say in the divorce proceedings.
Howard talked about JD's vows and goofed on him. He asked him to come in and read them again. JD said he threw them away. Gary had a copy. Howard said he's going to read the real vows. He said JD said he was crying when he wrote them. JD said he was drunk when he wrote them. Howard asked who writes their vows after going to a strip club.
Howard did his interpretation of JD reading his vows. JD said he was done with it so he wasn't going to read them again. Howard read the vows that JD read on the show yesterday.
Howard said he's not sure how this girl likes him. Robin said there must be a side to him that they don't see. Howard kept goofing on JD about the vows. He said the simplicity of this is classic. He said that there were no vows in there either. JD said he must have misunderstood things.
Howard said JD is good on Twitter. JD said that he was drunk when he wrote them. Howard said he was sober yesterday when he read them. JD said he knew they sounded ridiculous. Robin said no he didn't.
Howard sang his vows as JD. He laughed and said those were awesome thoughts. He was saying them like a caveman. The caller said imagine the faces of the parents. Howard said imagine her mother hearing that. He said JD said he misunderstood what the vows were supposed to be.
Howard said he has the Columbian stripper on the phone to talk about JD. Howard took the call and the stripper said JD was practicing his vows on her at the club. She said that he called her a goblin and shit. Howard asked if he always tells women they look like monsters. JD said she actually sounds a lot like that stripper at the club.
Howard said his favorite sentence was ''You are so fun.'' He said it's four words. Robin asked if he has anything about looking into her eyes. Howard read the vows again. He said it's ''I love you so much. You are a beautiful creature. I can't imagine my life without you. I'm crying because you mean so much to me.'' Howard said he just wants this to work out for JD. He said he was hoping for some thanks. Howard said maybe call her a beast or a varmint. He said he thinks Beth would have left him if he called her a creature. He said that she doesn't even like being called ''cute.''
Howard played some of the vows as JD read them yesterday. Howard said he has JD's fiancee on the phone. He took that call from High Pitch Erik who was doing the voice. Howard said this sounds like High Pitch. High Pitch Erik said that he was JD's fiancee. Howard said the funny thing is that he's not putting on a voice. Howard said it's funny that he puts on a higher pitch voice when he could just use his regular voice. Howard had him try that a little bit. He did it with his regular voice. Howard said they had a good idea there. They just didn't execute it well.
Howard said JD should run those vows by him off the air. JD said okay. Howard said he was criticized for changing JD's vows.
Howard said he has Bobo on the phone. Bobo brought up Kimberly Guilfoyle who is being accused of sexual misconduct and he wanted Howard's thoughts on that. Howard laughed. He said alright. He goofed on Bobo for not being able to say Guilfoyle. Howard said that he doesn't know. He said it makes him even hotter for her. He asked how it can be bad showing dick pics. He said it makes him think she's hot and crazy. Howard said that's a fireable thing but man.
Bobo said that it's obvious they were just trying to discredit her. Howard said come on. Howard played a song parody about Bobo and how he has nothing to talk about. That was by Little Mikey. They went to break after that.
Howard said if he bit into that Honeydew his teeth might break. He said he always thought that if he was famous his fruit would be perfect. He bit into the melon and said it's not that bad actually. He said maybe it's time to change it up. He said the egg wrap he eats has to be like 300-400 calories. He said he had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. He said they were vegan meatballs. He said he's up 10 pounds over last summer. He said he can't work out anymore. He said he is working out but he's miserable. He said George Takei is in his 80s and he can still do like 100 push ups. He said maybe he's just being a pussy. Robin said Fred said he's to a point where it doesn't hurt. Fred said it still hurts. He said everything hurts when he's doing push ups. He said the one thing that doesn't hurt is his neck.
Howard said he has to cut down on the calories. He said dinner is so good though. He said he had a big bowl of pasta and he was watching MSNBC. He said he was full halfway through the meal and he just kept eating. He said he was enjoying the news and he was liking the food. He said he was so gassy last night. He said he didn't get to see The Bachelor. He said he was farting up a storm last night so it's good that Beth wasn't with him.
Howard said he was so full that he made a second doody. He said he got up like he had to go pee. He said he went in and farted and the fart smell follows him into the room. He said his whole asshole must smell. He said then you see him walking around in a circle trying to get away from it.
Howard said Beth has a hot, hard, sexy body and he's walking around in a bathing suit and his body isn't what it used to be. He said on the cover of Private Parts he was in good shape. Robin said even the greatest looking guys don't look good when they get old. Howard said they say that Robert Redford is retiring from acting. He said no shit. He said that guy made Brad Pitt look fugly. He said that he can live the life of an ugly guy now. He said he's retiring from being good looking.
Howard said he's getting a belly and orangutan tits. He said he spent a lot of money on his John Varvatos clothes. He said they didn't make that stuff for big and tall guys. He said he tried on a new t-shirt yesterday and his big belly was hanging out. He said he was farting up a storm too.
Howard said he knew he was eating too much. He said he slept like a baby though. He said he went to sleep at 8pm and got up at 4:20am. He said he was all tanked up. He said he loves to eat.
Howard said he's thinking about what to eat tonight. He said maybe he can get spaghetti and throw half of it out. Gary said Brent has said he has to cut dairy. Robin said he has one yogurt. Howard said his wife has him eating cheese. He said she loves it and he's eating it now. Robin said that's a lot of additional calories. Howard said on vacation he had a hard boiled egg with a baked potato. He said he still gained weight. He said a potato is just 150 calories. Robin said it's a lot of carbohydrates. Howard said his gunt is saying he's just eating too much.
Howard said he only has one glass of wine with dinner. He said he's trying to keep it in moderation. He said maybe he should play a song and eat his fruit. He said it's breaking his heart to just push it aside. He said it has grapes, strawberries, orange... He said he has to cut out the fruit. Fred said it depends on the fruit from what he heard. Howard said he's so sick of everybody.
Howard said he might just do the Joe Piscopo move and sniff his food and throw it away. Fred said he thought he was talking about marrying his babysitter. Howard said that was some good looking girl. He said even they're divorced now. Howard said he's not sure what happened there. He said maybe he was turned off that she got older. He said maybe she got tired of his lack of fame. Fred played the Joe Piscopo song ''Kimberly'' that they used to goof on.
Howard said his gunt is on the phone. It was one of the guys in the back doing a deep voice saying ''Feed me!'' Howard spent a minute talking to his gunt before he let him go.
Howard said that Larry King is now doing this My Two Cents thing. He said he has a typewriter sound effect but no one even uses them anymore. Howard did his impression of Larry doing that bit. Howard had Fred play a typewriter sound while he did that. Howard said he's just refreshing your memory so he can goof on this new thing.
Howard said Larry made this new thing for him to play on the show. He said that he hasn't heard him goofing on him apparently. Howard said this is Larry King with his two cents about Howard Stern. He played the clip and Larry did his My Two Cents thing talking about how he gets to work with the great Steve Nowicki. He made some jokes about him liking cats but he won't go see the play Cats. He got in a plug for the Hear Me Out app in the end. Howard said he's sure that Larry did that reluctantly. He said they got Larry to do it though.
Howard did more of his Larry King's My Two Cents bit. He said there you go. He did a few more of his own ''My two cents'' things.
Howard said he has some other stuff he's been sitting on. He asked if Robin wants to hear it. Robin said sure. He said he was pretty excited about Larry cutting something for their show. He said he did like the Steve Nowicki reference.
Howard said he did have some students from Boston University and talked to them about the business. He said he keeps a relationship with them up there. He said that the Dean came down with the students. He said he's not sure what the guy's name was. He said maybe it was Dean. He said he sat down asking what they wanted to do in radio and they all said they didn't want to go into radio. He said he talked about it anyway. He said he did teach something about radio and the Dean thought it was good. He said he may have asked him to teach a class. Gary said he doesn't remember. He said he thinks the kids enjoyed it but the Dean may have been looking for a donation.
Howard said Kevin Spacey did a master class on acting. He said that he's not sure where you do that. He said he saw that Steve Martin did that. Gary said he gave Howard one about 6 months ago. He said he gave him one where Gary Kasparov gives a lesson. Howard said he didn't give a fuck about that. He said he wasn't able to figure it out. Gary said he teaches you how to play chess. Howard said that's like him teaching someone how to do the Howard Stern Show. Howard said he got this thing from Gary that was like a homework assignment. Gary said the master classes are pretty cool. Robin asked what Gary has taken. Howard said Gary gives the worst gifts. Gary said in 2 years he'll be talking about what a great gift it is. Gary said his son took some master classes on DJ'ing. Howard said they should give one on giving gifts for Gary.
Howard said when he saw this gift Gary gave him he didn't want to watch it. He said it was very nice of Gary but he didn't use it. Gary said he just thought he'd like it so he sent it to him. Howard said that was very sweet of him actually. Gary said it was like $110. He said it's not crazy expensive. Howard said he's rather take a painting class online. He said it's a waste though because you have questions that you can't just ask. He said it's like Christina Aguilera teaching him how to sing. Gary said she does one actually. Howard said he's not going to teach you anything. He said his class is a rip off.
Howard thanked Gary for thinking of him but stop thinking about him. He said he has a folder of things he will do some day and he had to put this link that Gary gave him in there. He said he's never going to do that.
Gary said that he gave Howard a gift that he got railed on about for 6 months and a couple years later he was raving about how great it was. Howard said he saw this thing and you have to sign in and give yourself a name and all of that. He said he just doesn't care. He said it was nice of Gary to do that.
Howard said he just got Robin a gift and he guarantees that it was the best gift. He said he gets Robin the best stuff. Robin said he knows what she wants even when she doesn't know what she wants. Howard said he's just another radio guy who helped Gary out. He said one time he got Robin a wind chime the size of the titanic.
Howard said he gave Robin the best gift. Gary said that he saw her reaction on Monday morning. Howard said she's been texting him and she loves him. He said he put thoughtful gifts together. He said he can't keep topping this stuff. He said he has to stop. He said he got her the entire country of Turks and Caicos. He said about a year ago he got her a tree for her yard. Robin said it's her favorite tree. Howard said they sat down and thought about it and came up with these wooden benches that go under the tree and some wooden cats that look just like her cats Simba and Chaca. Howard said that's a gift. Robin said it was beautiful. She said she can sit under her tree and look at her cat statue.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary got him a nice gift and he sees why he unfriended him on Facebook. Howard said you can't all keep saying their favorite part of the show is fucking with Gary and then call in and yell at him for it. The caller didn't get a chance to respond before he got hung up on. Howard said he doesn't like picking on Gary. He said he's doing it for the audience. He said he gets 10,000 emails about how much people like him goofing on Gary. Then he gets a call from a guy who says he has to stop goofing on Gary.
Robin said she was listening to the Wrap Up Show and Gary was asked if Howard has ever personally apologized to Gary. Howard said he does every single time. Gary said he has said there has been a few times when he calls him later in the day. He said he feels uncomfortable for Howard having to do that. Howard said that's how lovely Gary is. He said he is a good sport about it all. He said Gary and his wife are the two loveliest people. He said he was out of the goofing on Gary business but there's a treasure chest of things there. Fred said it's the gift that keeps on giving.
Howard read some of the email and people are asking for more. He said that then someone calls in and says he's mean to Gary. He said they're all assholes. He said go listen to Alex Jones if you can find him.
Howard read more email about goofing on Gary. He said that people love it when he does it. He said people say they have tears from laughing so hard. Howard read a bunch of notes like that.
Howard said people keep sucking him back in. He said people like this stuff. Gary asked if that entire group of paper was about him. Howard said about 3/4 of it is. Fred said he had to edit some of it out. Howard said then someone calls in and says don't make fun of Gary. Fred said the most interesting ones are the people who said they shouldn't laugh at Gary but they can't help themselves.
Howard said they love the video of Gary's moving jaw muscle. He said that he's reading all of these. He said he has to go apologize to Gary. Gary said please don't. Howard said that even Mother Teresa said please keep goofing on Gary. Howard said you can't have it both ways.
Howard said the game is What Would Bigfoot Do for $100. He said that they ask Bigfoot if he would do various things for $100.
Howard said in a practice question they asked Bigfoot if he would stick his foot in a bear trap for $100. Andrew said he'll say no. Howard played the answer and Bigfoot said he would not. Howard said Andrew would have had that right.
Howard said this is the real game now. Howard said they asked Bigfoot if he would eat a dog's eye boogers for $100. Andrew said he'll say yes. Howard played the answer and Bigfoot said boogers won't do much of anything to you so he would eat them for $100.
Howard said they asked Bigfoot if he would pee in his own face. Andrew said that he will say yes. Howard played his answer and Bigfoot said he would not do that. He said that's too nasty with all of the marijuana he smokes.
Howard said they asked Bigfoot if he would expose his penis to a school bus for $100. Andrew said he will say no. Howard played the answer and Bigfoot said he would not do that. He said they'd get you for ''rude and civious'' or whatever it's called.
Howard said they asked Bigfoot if he would join a book club for $100. Andrew said he will say yes. Howard played his answer and Bigfoot said he would join the club. He said he has to learn to read somehow. He said he has ''alexia'' so it's hard for him to read. Howard said Andrew won the game so he gets that SVSound.com sound system. Howard wrapped up the game and asked Robin how she did. Robin said she didn't do as well as the caller.
Howard said he has more of the Bigfoot questions to play. Howard said they asked Bigfoot if he would swim in a pool with sharks. Robin said she'll say he will say no. Bigfoot said no. He doesn't like sharks.
Howard said they asked Bigfoot if he would lick the inside of a toilet at a bus station. Robin said he will say no. Bigfoot said no because that's too nasty.
Bigfoot said he would walk a mile in the snow with no shoes on for $100. Gary said he was told the origin of this game and Wolfie asked him if he would blow his brother for 100 bucks and he said yes.
Howard asked if he'll eat day old shrimp out of a dumpster. Robin said he'll say no. Bigfoot said he would.
Howard said he has one more. He asked if he would let someone spray diarrhea in his face. Robin said no way. Howard played his answer and Bigfoot said that's too nasty.
Howard asked if he would brush is teeth with a dead rat. Robin said he'll say no. Bigfoot's answer was no because it might have rabies.
Howard asked if he'll put a hot iron on his balls. Robin said he'll say no. He said no because it's hot. Howard said he has Sensible Foot there.
Howard asked if he'll drink brown water from a trash can. Robin said she'll say he says yes. Howard played his answer and Bigfoot said no because it's way too nasty. He played a song parody with Bigfoot audio drops in it. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
The caller said let Fred write it. Fred did his JD voice and came up with his own vows. Howard said he knows JD has goals. He said even if he said his goal was to be a great film director and have her at his side that would be great. Robin asked if that's a wise thing for him to do. Robin said it has nothing to do with vows.
The caller asked if they're going to have kids. Howard asked if they're going to have children. JD said no. He said things can change but she's not into having kids. Howard said because of JD, right? JD told him to shut up. Howard said they're not going to have kids. She has enough to take care of. The caller said F-Benjy as he was hanging up.
Howard said he's glad JD doesn't have a dog. JD said she wants a dog. Howard said he likes that they don't have one if JD isn't into having it. Fred and Robin figured JD will be getting a dog. Fred said within 6 months.
Fred was reading vows from the internet in his JD voice. Howard had him read a bunch of vows. Howard said he could JD that up. Fred had one about being her bridge over troubled water. Howard said even if JD read some of her favorite songs. He asked if she knows any of her favorites. He said he could take some of the lyrics from her favorite songs.
Howard took a call from JD's fiancee. One of the guys in the back was doing the voice disguising it with a voice modulator. She was crying over being called a creature. Howard said that poor woman. Howard came up with some of his own vows that he recited in JD's voice.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he was tricked into hiring a black painter and he's horrible. Howard said he's not sure what he said. Robin had to repeat it to him. King said he is not lying about this. He said every night he came home they'd be looking at shit he did and he was fucking up. He said he put semi gloss on the walls in the kitchen. Howard asked what the hell is going on. King said please don't hang up. Howard said he feels like he's on the set of Black Klansnman. Howard asked why his connection is better now. King said he took off his Air Pods. Howard said he wanted to get to news. Robin said King is racist. Howard said he's a self hating black man. He hung up on King.
Howard said he was going to play this for Robin. He said it's from the internet. He said it's a woman who drinks her dog's pee and says it's good for you. Howard played the clip and the woman claims that the urine cleared up her acne and it's also proven to help cure cancer. Robin asked where that dog is. Howard asked where they found that. JD said it was all over. He said you see her put the cup under the dog and then she drinks the pee. Howard said they might want to ban her, never mind Alex Jones.
Howard said Jeff Sessions was warning people at the border not to come in. He said then someone sounded like Benjy yelling at him as a protest. Howard played the clip and the guy did sound similar to Benjy. Howard said if it was Benjy he'd be asking about his penis. Howard said they have Benjy yelling stuff out at Anthony Weiner. Howard played that clip after the other guy. Howard said it's eerie how much the guy sounds like Benjy.
Howard said he also has a guy saying ''cunty'' instead of county. Howard said that was up in Canada. Howard said a guy on FOX News slipped and said ''under cunts'' instead of under cuts. Howard said the guy didn't even slow down in that one. He said that's two times cunt got on TV. Fred played some drops of Ronnie saying cunt.
Howard said a woman misread a last name as Jerkoff at a graduation ceremony. Howard played that clip and the woman was reading names and said Julie Jerkoff instead of Kirkoff. Howard said imagine you study 4 years and that's what happens at graduation. Howard replayed the clip so he could hear that one again.
Robin started her news taking about Cindy Adams and the column. Howard said she has aged incredibly well. He said she must have been super hot when she was young. He said she has to be like 90 and she still looks good. He said she still goes out to movie premieres and stuff like that. Robin said she was at some comedy show on Broadway with Barbara Walters and some others. She said they walked out on the show during intermission because they hated it. Howard said Cindy is still walking around doing that stuff. Howard said Ronnie would give his left nut to be married to her if he wasn't on this show. Howard said he should be with her. Robin said the reason she brought her up is because she's friends with Judge Judy. Howard said there's a whole group of Yentas that run around together. Robin said Cindy is telling everyone that Judge Judy bought a house in Rhode Island. Howard said she's making $90 million a year doing that Judge Judy show. Robin said her friend is writing about her new home and talking about how much it cost. Robin said it was $9 million. Howard said if he were judge Judy he'd call Cindy and tell her to shut the fuck up. Robin read about some other things she's writing about and she has this attitude about not being able to get to certain people like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Howard said he has Cindy on the phone now. He picked up and the guys were playing some old Blue Iris audio clips to play the part.
Robin read a story about Lenny Dykstra and how he's suing CAA over his failed series. Robin said he has filed a lawsuit over this failed docuseries about his life. Robin said he claims that he signed a deal that would have been distributed on Amazon. Howard said he would have watched that. Robin said they say that he signed the deal last year and he felt stone walled within months of signing the deal. Robin said they allegedly told Lenny that it was sold and they just had to work out the details. Howard said he's shocked that there's confusion there with Lenny.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's shocked that Gary doesn't wash his feet in the shower. Howard asked when he said that. The caller said it was like 2015 and he said it on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that's why he has the shit growing in his toes. Howard said just when he thought it couldn't get any grosser. Howard said he has a shower brush that he uses to scrub his feet and ankles. Gary said he does the same thing. Howard said how about doing it a couple of times a week. Gary said he does. Howard asked what's up with his fungus. Gary said he has one and a half nails that have fungus. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said King of All Blacks is offended that he called him a racist. Howard took his call and explained what he was saying earlier. King said he hired this guy and he's not racist and he's not self hating. He said he loves being black but at the same time you can't do sloppy workmanship. He said he took a chance on this guy. Howard said it sounds weird to him. King said they're talking about $6,500. Howard asked if he fired the guy. King said he gave him $2000 already so he's stuck. Howard asked why it's taking a chance if he's doing that. King started to explain something about his mother taking chances but Howard said it's getting to be too much. Howard hung up on King a short time later.
Robin read a story about this ''Peegasm.'' Robin said if you have to hold in pee and then you get that uncomfortable feeling for holding it too long and then you release it. That's a good feeling. Robin said they say some women say they're having orgasms because of it. Howard said that's fake news. He said he hates that term fake news but that is fake news. Robin asked what he's talking about. He said it's not an orgasm. He said you just feel great getting it out. Robin read more details about the story and how it can cause bladder damage if you try to make it happen.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they find Kimberly Guilfoyle to be attractive. Howard said of course. The caller said the look on face though. Howard said people see pictures and people will comment on them. He said he reads about this Emily Ratajkowski and people call her ugly but she's stunning. He said that she's famous for being hot and all of that. He said when they start criticising over looks when they're good looking it's nuts. The caller said he probably would do her. Howard said she's not the most attractive person in the world but she's hot. The caller said he's right. Howard said of course he is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the peegasm thing is not fake news. He said this is all about women who want to orgasm by just drinking more Mountain Dew instead of finding a man.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was going though Hulu and he saw that Private Parts is on there now. Howard said he got a check for like $16.54 the other day. Gary said he got one for $114. Howard said maybe now that it's on Hulu they're getting checks. He said he loves that. He said he tried to watch it about a year ago but it's too hard for him. Robin said there is a lot going on in that for him. Howard said he's so proud of that movie. He said working with Ivan Reitman was great. He said that Ivan is such a genius. He said he learned so much from watching him. He said he helped him out with that movie so much. He said the movie could have been a disaster if he had made one of the other 21 versions of it. He said his agent kept telling him not to make them. He said then Ivan came along and he asked him to produce it. He said then they hired Lenny and he helped write it. He said they had this great script and Ivan said Betty Thomas should direct it. He said that Betty came on and she took off. He said she was brilliant with the casting and directing. He said she set him free from worrying about it. Howard said they went out and got all of these great actors to be part of the movie. They got Paul Giamatti, Mary McCormack, Allison Janney and everyone like that.
Howard said they cut out a lot of him working in Hartford. He said he had some funny stuff in there but they cut it all out. He said he did a pratfall kind of thing coming out of the tub and Betty said it wasn't working. He said that he got offended a bit but he got over it. He said they found their groove and he's very proud of that movie. he said it brings back so many memories and it's too painful for him. He said he had a lot of good memories about that movie.
Howard said Robin's story about the peegasms is getting a lot of calls. Howard took one from a woman who said she has been holding in her shit for days. She let it rip and there was a lot of shit coming out while she was shitgasming. She said she wanted to marry her shit. Howard said she's like a volcano. Howard said she's in the middle of having a shitgasm. Howard said that was a very private moment. He said he had never heard of a peegasm and now a shitgasm. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about SnapChat Dysmorphia that's a new condition that doctors are seeing. Robin said people are coming to them asking to look more like their SnapChat filters. Robin said that they want to look like their airbrushed photos. Robin said people want to look better in Selfies. Howard said he still looks like shit when he uses those filters. He said it's crazy because Fred tried to sew bunny ears on his head the other day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that movie was like 30 years ago. He said they get it and he can stop harping on the creative process. He said he's like a guy telling war stories. Howard said the caller brought it up and he tries to talk about what people bring up. He said he'll accept that criticism. The caller said it was a great B-movie. Howard said he hit him where it hurts. He hung up on the guy. Howard said that was an A-list movie. He said he tried to listen to that guy but he was a troll.
Robin read a story about how women are more likely to die young if their doctor is a man. Howard said that sounds like fake science to him. He said maybe there were more male doctors or something. Robin said they can't explain the gap but maybe men are worse at communicating with women. Robin read more details about that.
Robin read a story about the guy who heads NASCAR was pulled over for drunk driving in the Hamptons last week. Robin said he's taking a break from NASCAR while he takes care of his problems. Robin said he was pulled over for erratic driving and he blew a .18 and the limit is .08. Robin said he failed a sobriety test too. Robin said they also pointed out he's a big Trump supporter. Howard asked what that has to do with anything. Robin said she doesn't know.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said he didn't know some of those things about Private Parts so that caller was an asshole. He said fuck that guy. Howard said he thought it was good radio too. Howard said he can't believe how evaluated he is. He said it's like the people who comment on women online. Robin said she was reading about Carrie Underwood the other day and she said she doesn't think she's going to have a big brood of kids at the age of 35 that she thought she might have. She said everyone was coming down on her about that.
Robin said she has started to resent really beautiful people. Howard said he does too. Robin said don't start telling her how to accept herself. She said Beyonce is on the cover of Vogue this month and she is without makeup in some photos and that doesn't work for some people. Robin said that she's starting to accept her baby body now. Howard said that's like yesterday they found out that Steve Nowicki got a stripper's phone number. He said that he paid for one lap dance and then she told him he didn't have to pay her. Howard said this is a stripper. Howard said he got her number too. He said you hear that and it's fucking crazy. He said you want Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber as parents. He said you want Beckham and the Spice Girl as your parents. He said life is easier that way. He said he was talking about that the other day. He said Beth thought the guy in the candy store across the street was really nice because he gave her free stuff. He said he wasn't nice, he wanted to fuck her brains out. He said life is different for good looking people.
Howard had Steve come in. He said that he didn't ask for that stripper's number. Steve said it just happened naturally. Howard said he must laugh at people who can't get that. Steve said you have to have personality too. Howard said no you don't. He said he talks to Steve and it ain't that fascinating. Howard asked when he realized how good looking he is. Steve said it was like when he was 16. He said he was really weird early on. He said he had bangs and then he got a hair cut and he got laid like crazy in 11th grade.
Howard said Steve was with a brain surgeon. He said that he fucked that up. Steve said he was dating other people at the time and he blew it. Howard said he would have dropped whatever he had going on. Robin said that you have to jump on that. Howard asked if he has tried calling her. Howard said he's sure he could get away with that. He told him not to fuck that up with her though. He said that you don't want to mess up her mind.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Steve really is good looking. She said he has chiseled features and he is a good looking boy. she said he has good features. Howard hung up on her when she stared yelling. Howard said she's like a fucking crow but she is good looking. Howard said thanks for sharing. He let Steve go a short time later.
Robin read a story about the President's star on the Hollywood walk of fame being destroyed several times. Robin said the last time was a pick axe. Robin said the city council want the star removed. Robin said they never remove anyone's star. Howard said anyone can get one. He said someone told him about getting a star but you have to buy them and maintain them. Robin read about the guy who used the pick axe. He was at the city council meeting. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Robin said they were asking for the star to be removed. Howard said his star is right next to Kevin Spacey's star. He said no one took an axe to that.
Robin read a story about Don Lemon responding to Donald Trump's tweets about him. Howard said he met Don and didn't know who he was. He said he doesn't watch CNN so he didn't know who he was. Gary said he's a big fan of the show. Howard said he's an anchor guy there. Robin had some audio for Howard to play where Don was responding to Trump.
Robin read a story about global warming and how it's threatening the livability of this planet. Robin had some details about that study. She said it may already be too late to do anything. Howard said it seems like they're getting in just under the wire. He said it is an interesting concept. He said they got in the good music in the 60s and 70s and things are falling apart. He said they'll be dead and they won't see all of this. Howard said Steve Nowicki will be alive and it won't do him any good to be so good looking.
Howard said he's thinking about his egg sandwich that he's about to eat after the news. He said he's going to go back and meditate or nap and then they have their meeting after. He said that he's really excited about that.
Robin read a story about a rumor about Netflix airing a documentary about Louis Farrakhan and his music. Robin said Netflix went on and said that is not the case. Robin said they had some miscommunication going on. Robin said that they will not be airing this documentary. Robin said they got Stevie Wonder to be in it somehow. Robin had some of his music for Howard to play. He played a few seconds of it.
Howard said he saw Ted Sarandos from Netflix while they were on vacation. He said he went to dinner with Ted and his wife Nicole. He said he had a nice conversation with her actually. He said she has a fascinating story. He said she was the head of Obama's campaign in Los Angeles. Howard said they had a whole love story to tell. He said he's impressed with Ted figuring out the whole streaming thing and all of that. Robin said they started out sending out discs and she didn't have luck with that.
Robin read a story about Georgetown University helping out a kid who was kicked out of his home because he's gay. Robin said this kid's family kicked him out after telling him to attend their church or get out. Howard said he hates people who do that to their kids. Robin said this kid was accepted to Georgetown and they are helping him out now even after he was short $20,000 of the 140,000 that it costs to go there. Robin said they are lowering his contribution to nothing.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show talking about how funny it is that everyone with social media wants to create a video that gets millions of views. He said they try to do something funny or interesting. He said he was so annoyed when the guys sent him video of this annoying thing where they have this ASMR going on. He said it's dudes or girls whispering to put you to sleep or masturbate to. He said he didn't know about it until a couple of days ago. He said one of the videos was a girl whispering about opening a bag of potato chips. He said this woman was talking about laying there and rubbing your head. He said it's sad that a guy has to do that to get off. He said the premise is that it puts you to sleep but you're jerking off to it and pretending that this girl is stroking your head.
Howard said he thinks that getting your head stroked is a true sign of love. He said never mind the girl licking your ass. He said he told Beth that and she had no reaction to it. He said he feels loved when he gets his head rubbed.
Howard said he has to play the ASMR videos for Robin. He asked if they have any examples. He said he told JD that he did him a favor by helping him out with his vows.
Howard said this video got 11 million views. He said they have to do a Gary ASMR video. He said they have to get over 11 million views. He said they've never gotten that many on anything. Robin asked if they have gay guys doing it. Howard said they do. He said he'll play one of those too. He said no one is naked or anything. He said it's a woman pretending to give a scalp massage. He said they whisper and he's not sure why.
Howard asked what ASMR stands for. Jason said it's ''autonomous sensory meridian response.'' Howard said they say that guys are using it to simulate intimate relations with women. He said it's for jerking off if you boil it down.
Howard said this is audio and video. He played the clip and the woman was whispering about massaging a scalp. She was even making sounds like she was brushing. Howard said he doesn't have a boner yet. She was doing it into the microphone so it sounded weird. Robin said that's disgusting. Then she was rubbing the scalp. Howard said everything has gotten so weird. He said he used to just beat off to his imagination. He said there was no porn to jerk off to. He said he would beat off to an ad in the paper.
Howard said he has more clips to play. He said Gal Gadot even recorded one. He said she's eating a snack. He said celebrities are doing them now. He said that's why the have to get Gary to do one. He said Gal Gadot did one eating a snack. Howard played that one. He said her doing anything is hot. Robin said no. She said she thinks whispering is ugly. Howard said he's trying to listen. He said he's not even sure what she's saying. Then she was eating her snack. Robin said she's throwing up to that one. Howard said that sounds like what annoys him in a theater.
Howard played another clip where a guy was chewing gum and opening some baseball cards. Howard was disgusted by the guy chewing. He said he almost deleted them. He didn't want to get into it on the air because he was so disgusted.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he agrees with Robin. He said the whispering creeps him out. The caller said they don't need this stuff because they just go to bed up there in Canada. Howard said he thinks what he's trying to say is jerking off is complicated these days. The caller said it's almost like work now.
Howard played a clip of a role playing police officer whispering someone to roll down their window. Howard said this guy has almost 90 million views. Howard said Gary has to do one of these. Gary said okay. He did some of his whispering voice to get him into it. Howard said Gary is going to get them 90 million views.
Howard said Gary can clear his throat. He said he has a new way of doing it. He said he coughs to do it. He said he can't ask him to quit clearing his throat. He said he's very Gary focused in the morning now. He said he used to clear it but now he coughs it out.
Howard said he has to play more of the guy opening football cards. He played a little bit of that and then the Evil Dave clip where he was eating chips. Robin said he's like Gal Gadot. Howard said he misses Dave and he's only been gone a few weeks. He said Fred just came from that one.
Howard said people are saying that ASMR isn't for jerking off but he's sure it is. He played more of the guy role playing as a cop. That guy was telling the person that their license was suspended and whispering it all. Howard said the guy has 600 videos and 90 million views. Robin asked how anyone figured this out. Howard said he'd like to know that story. He wondered who figured that out. He played more of the fake cop ripping the ticket off very slowly.
Howard asked how that's relaxing. He said he's not sure how that's going to put him to sleep. He said this next one is a girl pretending to be your girlfriend in bed. Robin said maybe just having one of those Fleshlights would be good enough. Howard said they're just days away from having an ASMR channel on SiriusXM. He whispered as Madison and Human Newman. He said they're going to do a Flirty Gary video.
Howard said the saddest clip is this girl in bed. He played some of that clip and the woman was whispering about being really cozy in bed. Howard said raise your voice, it's really annoying.
Howard said this is what JD would be watching if he never came to work for him. He said this would make him cry if it was his girlfriend. He said this girl is in bed with full makeup on. He said this girl is like ''Oh you losers.'' Fred played a clip of Ronnie who was whispering stuff. Howard said that's the guy who figured it all out. Fred had a George Takei clip where he was whispering ''Actually I like to touch.''
Howard said there's an ASMR video where this woman encourages the listener to cum on her glasses. He played some of that audio and she was whispering asking the guy to cum on her glasses. Then she asks if it's weird. Howard and Robin both answered yes. Howard said no one ever asked him to do anything weird like that. He asked why he's doing that. He said she sounds like she really wants it. Robin said she does. Howard said these girls are acting out guy's fantasies and it shows how fucked up guys are.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who listens to this stuff. The caller said there are things out there that aren't sexual at all. Howard asked why he'd waste his time listening to that. The caller said it helps him relax. He said it really helps him. Howard said it's annoying listening to them whispering. He said it's nonsense. He said this guy has to get his shit together. Robin said he has to find out what he's listening to. Howard asked what he's listening to so he can listen to it. The caller said they just making different sounds and tap on things. He said there's all different kinds that he listens to. He said there is one called Gentle Whispers that he listens to. Cosmic Tingles is another one. Howard said poor Chris. He asked Fred to look them up.
Howard said there are so many things to do to relax and this isn't a good one. Fred found a clip that was 2 hours long. Howard said this is what the guy listens to? Chris said this will put him to sleep. Howard said there's something wrong with this guy.
Howard said he has another guy named Chris who is the ambassador of ASMR. The caller said he was just kidding about that. He said that it's like a medical condition that causes tingles in your head and shoulders. Howard asked if he has a wife. Chris said no. Howard said he has to get a life. He said they claim that they tingle when they listen to this stuff and it's just something he was told that conditioned him to do it. Howard said he's going to play Ronnie whispering and see if he gets a tingle. He played the Ronnie clip and that didn't work for Chris. They had Ronnie talking about natural juices from a woman's pussy.
Howard said he's not sure if it's worse to jerk off to this or not. Chris said he doesn't jerk off to it. Howard had a clip of a woman eating pickles and Chris knew who she was. Howard said he wanted to strangle himself over this. Chris said his family thinks he's a freak. Howard said this woman is eating pickles. He said he wants to throw up listening to this.
Howard said he has the prince of ASMR on the phone. He had one of the guys in the back whispering shit to him. Howard asked how many views he has. He said he has 10,000. He told Howard he bets he's pre-cumming. Howard said he is. He hung up on him a short time later.
Howard played more of the woman who wanted cum on her glasses. She was asking for it in her mouth. Howard said they're going to put out a series of these for Gary and Ronnie.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they have to get Wendy the Slow Adult to do one of these. Howard said he's thinking like him now. He said they're going to start their own thing on the app. He said it'll be ASMR videos. Robin said it will be funny to hear them trying to get Beetlejuice to whisper. Howard said keep an eye out for this stuff on the app. He played more of Ronnie whispering. Howard said they'll have their newest Wack Packer do one too. Robin didn't know his name. Robin said she knew his name was Mike. Howard had to tell her it was Marfan Mike. He did his impression of Mike for a few seconds. Howard said give them a week and they'll have an ASMR channel.
Howard had Tanner Mom on the phone. Shuli was doing his Tan Mom impression and whispering his ASMR tape. She was talking about taking a shower in her oven. Then she screamed at her husband to get out because she's doing ASMR. Howard said they're really going to get that together.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished Robin happy birthday. He said he heard the clips earlier and had to turn it off but then he heard the cumming clip and he got hard.
Howard had Mariann from Brooklyn trying to do the ASMR whispering but she only lasted a few seconds before she started screaming and Howard hung up.
Howard played a clip of a ASMR clip where the guy was doing a serial killer character. Howard said this is really creepy. He said he really doesn't like this. The guy wasn't whispering. He was speaking in a normal voice talking about his knives. Howard told the asshole to use it on himself. Robin asked if anyone is working in this country. Howard said everyone has a gig.
Howard had the fake Angry Political Guy on the phone who was trying to whisper his ASMR thing. He was calling Howard names and stuff like that. Howard said they're going to get their ASMR thing going and have 17 million views.
Howard said Robin loves new trends. Robin said she loves to record too. Howard said sometimes they can't get her out of the booth.
Howard said they have a big star coming in to sing a new song for her. He said that will happen at 9 o'clock. Robin said she'll be on the edge of her seat. Howard said she'll be pleasantly surprised by this. He said to hear how this person got in there will shock her. He said that they have a big, special guest coming in.
Howard said this person left their vacation early for Robin's birthday. He said he's very excited about this.
Howard had Richard Simmons to wish Robin a happy birthday. They had Richard laughing about her getting another year older. Howard said he's not sure what happened to Richard but he knows there's a big story there. He said he is no longer on the stage.
Howard said for Robin's birthday he wants to thank Richard and Sal for something. He said they did something for her. He said they love getting fake names announced on the radio. He had one where they got some goofy names mentioned on the air. He played that one where they got names like Anita Hand job and Lou Scunt on the air.
Howard said Richard and Sal put so much manpower into this. He said they built them a new studio for them so they can do more of that. He said that Richard wrote him a thank you note about the new studio. He said he was telling his niece and nephew about the guys making phony phone calls as their job. He said they were fascinated by that.
Howard said the guys have been sending in these fake names for the past year. He said they got in a bunch of phony names including Robin's. He said they got in Robin's Knockers, Robin's Labia Majora, Robin's Butthole, Robin's massive cans, Robin's Areolas, Robin's piss flaps and more. He said this is amazing. He said that they got all of this on the air at some radio stations. He said they got Robin's Brown Mounds, Robin's Tight Slot and more.
Howard asked Sal and Richard come in to take a bow. He said they did a great job with this. He said what they're about to hear is something. He said they talked about doing this last year. He said they had a lot of failures. Richard said they sometimes just said the first name. He said it's devastating when they don't say it. Richard said when they do read it then it's great. He said it's like fishing and catching a lunker when they get it right. Howard asked if this is their greatest accomplishment. Richard said it's right up there. He said they're working on one for Howard's birthday too. Howard asked how long they've been working on that. Richard said it's been a while.
Howard said he told them to get the Robin ones in. Howard asked where Sal is. Richard said he's not sure. He said they're there to honor Robin and he's not there. Gary said he heard that Sal got tied up with the Long Island Railroad. Gary said he didn't even know he wasn't there. Gary said Sal is there on time usually. Gary said he called at 6:20 and said his train was stopped completely. Howard said he blew it today.
Howard said Sal always manages to fuck up. He said that this is for Robin. He played the clip where they had announcers saying the wild names that Sal and Richard sent into various radio shows. They had them saying some wild Robin names like Howard listed earlier.
Howard said that's great. He said great job to Richard. He told Sal to go home. Richard said that they have to thank JD too because he helped out a lot. He said the hours were weird when they played them so he was there to record them. Howard said great work. Howard said they got in Robin's Tight Slot. He said they spelled it Robin Smoans Vernis (Veneris) or Robin Stite Slot. Robin said there were whole words they were saying and didn't seem to realize it. Robin said she liked the Robin's Stite Slot the best. That woman also said that was from her son Howser Slot.
Richard said they'll read a local business name and think it's legitimate. Howard said a lot of times they just say it wrong. Richard said it's funny when they do say it wrong. Howard said they tried Robin's Bearded Clam and Robin Crapped her Pants. He said that didn't work. He played the examples of the guy fucking those up. Howard asked if that's a crushing blow. Richard said it's still kind of funny. He said that sounded German to them so they said she'd be out at a German bar.
Howard said he sees that some of the stations refused to read some of them like Robin's Pink Taco and Robin's dainty taco. He said those are the ones they tried to get on and didn't succeed. Howard said the guys love Robin so much. Richard said the guys all came up with names so they have to thank the whole group back there.
Robin said she liked Howser Slot. Howard said he liked Robin's Pissflaps. Howard played that one over again. Richard said he likes Robin Loves Anal. He said it was Robin Love-Zaynal. That was from Ben Doversink. Howard replayed those.
Richard said that they wanted Ben to be from San Francisco but they were too far away from there. Richard said his parents used to put his name on the local station and he was so excited about that at 7 years old.
Howard replayed some of the clips like Robin's Massive Cans. Richard said they did Robin Scott Doublegeez for Robin's Double G's.
Howard said that's awesome. He said Robin's Areolas worked out good too. Howard replayed that and that was Zareolas according to Richard.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal and Richard's job is amazing. He said that anyone would kill for that. He said that it seems like they're legitimate shows they call into. Richard said they are stations in different cities. The caller said Richard and Sal are the best thing.
Howard said they have to record all day long trying to get this stuff. Richard said they found that there are 3 types of stations that fall for this. He said it's Christian stations, country stations and Canadian stations. He said they must not have the same slang we do.
Howard said they never hear about Mons Vernis. He played the clip again where the woman read the name. Richard said they had a place named Mons Venus down in Florida. He said that's where he heard about it for the first time.
Howard said he read some books when he was young and they had the mons Vernis thing in the book. He said he found these books and read about that stuff. Robin read what the definition was for that.
Howard talked more about the books he read. He was corrected on the Vernis thing and said it's actually Veneris. Robin said she read it as Vernis too.
Howard said he never read this stuff thinking that he should go out and capture women to keep in the basement. He said he never had any delusions of that. He said he knew it was wrong but he's jerk off to it as he read it. Richard asked if he imagined it in his head. Howard said of course.
Howard said as an adult he doesn't want to see a mom and daughter rubbing together. He said when he read the book he jerked off to it though. Robin said this is what Ronnie's ASMR has to be about. Howard said picture him in court talking about reading that stuff in that book. Howard said that made him think that the outside world was very creepy.
Howard said this dude wasn't very successful at getting women. He said the women fell in love with the dude.
Howard said Sal just showed up. He said that he can feel free to get there whenever he wants. Howard said he's pissed off that he's late on Robin's birthday. Gary said that he's out there yelling that it was a force of nature. Howard said you know the Long Island Railroad is late. He said take the one before you think you should leave. He said he's a fucking loser.
Sal came in and Howard went off on him about how he finally has something going on and he shows up late. Sal said he takes the 5:26 and sometimes the 5:15. He said there was a 6 minute delay and he thought that was plenty of time. Howard said he's always been on time. He said he made it to work when there were blizzards in Detroit. He said Sal can't get here. Sal said there were two delays.
Howard said lick Richard's balls as punishment. Richard said he'll do it. Sal said he'd rather have the train crash. Sal said he was listening and it was killing him. Sal asked if they're doing something special for Robin's birthday today. Howard said they are. He said they are going to have a special mystery guest who will burst through a screen and perform for her. Robin said it's probably Beetlejuice or something. Howard said it's a real singing star.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra sent in a song for Robin. He said he recoded ''We Are The Creeps.'' He said he got together with Little Mikey, Psych and Eli Braden and did this song with them. Howard played the song for her. Howard said they call that group Creepy, Stills, Gash and Cum.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she wanted to say what an awesome present for Robin that was. She said she loves Richard on the show and she wishes he was on more. Howard said don't compliment Sal because he was late. The caller said that she loves Sal too. Sal said no she doesn't.
Howard replayed some of the names Richard and Sal got mentioned on these shows. Howard said go back there and blow each other. He said he has to take a break. He said they have the big surprise coming up a little later. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said there are certain people who have a whole thing of getting the word out first. He said they had a guy who worked for them who would do that. He said he would rush to Facebook to get the word out. He said he was like a news organization getting the word out.
Howard said he has to criticize JD about something. He said JD had to rush on about his wedding. He said they had to tell JD not to tell his stuff on social media. He said that they were going to play stuff on the show about Ralph this morning. He said Ronnie and JD had to rush to get that news on their social media. He said he had told JD that he was going to do this on the show. He said how about letting him break the news. JD said they had like a million people breaking the news online. Howard said JD doesn't need to do that. JD said he'll delete it. Howard said Ronnie has to get it on too. JD said he felt bad not saying something. Howard said he could have written Ralph's wife a note or something.
Howard said JD just had to get it out there. He said he wanted to get his likes. He said the only reason he has followers is because of this show. JD said that the news was already broke. Howard said that he's only speaking to his audience. Howard said calm down and let him announce his passing on the show. He said Ronnie wrote ''RIP!'' and he just wants to get the news out. He said just fucking calm down. He said they were planning a thing for Ralph today. He said in radio they're trying to break the news to the audience. He said that they don't want to hear about it on JD's Twitter feed. Howard asked what JD gets out of that. JD said he didn't feel like he was breaking news. Howard said he's such a liar. He said he's breaking news to his audience. He said they're hard core fans. Howard said it's old news to them now.
Howard said JD's whole life is this show. JD said he's well aware. Howard said he wants to have something of his own. JD said someone is putting this into his head. Howard said he didn't know that JD had broken the news. He said that he broke it for the audience. He said most people who follow them aren't that aware of Ralph Howard. Howard said it's something you just wait to talk about until the show is on. JD said he cant do anything right. Howard said he does a lot of things right but he's addicted to Twitter. He said he has to calm down. Robin said he can't not comment on it. Howard asked if he's wrong about this. Jason said that he noticed it this morning to rush to get the likes. JD said there was no rush. Will came in and said he didn't have to do it before the show. He said he did it last night.
Howard asked JD why he's not into social media. JD said he has a microphone. Howard said that's right. He said he was saving his comments for the show. He said that's why he's not on social media. JD said he knows.
Howard said Benjy is doing it too. He said he knows what he's up to. Howard said JD knew they were doing this package today. He said that he should have saved it for he show. Howard said Ralph didn't even know who JD was. Jason and Will were in studio talking about how JD never talked about Ralph Howard. Howard said how about writing a nice note to his widow or something. Robin said that's why she questions JD. She said he said that he felt weird not commenting. JD said he didn't know him that well. Howard said JD can do his tribute there on the air. JD said he just retweeted out another person's comment. Howard said Ronnie is like that too. Jason said that you don't even know someone died. He said that he writes something that's barely making sense.
Howard said that Benjy said that Ralph Howard made New York seem like a friendly small town. He said he should have said that on the air. He said Ralph isn't going to get a lot of play. He said that the audience will hear it and think about how great he was on Howard 100 News. Howard said JD even put together the obituary. JD said he knew about that. Howard said delete your Twitter account already. He said that Fred doesn't even have one. He said he loves Fred for that. Fred said he doesn't get the whole social media thing.
Howard asked how many likes JD got. Jason said it was like 180 or something. Will said he wrote ''A good man.'' and that's some thought to get out. Howard asked how he knows he was a good man and didn't have women tied up in his basement rubbing their mons Vernis together.
Howard said there was another guy who worked there who had to rush out the comments. Howard said he used to ask him to calm the fuck down. Howard said JD thinks he has a scoop. JD was still on microphone yelling and trying to defend himself. JD said other people tweeted out so he felt like he should do something.
Howard said Ronnie has to calm down too. Ronnie said he saw that other people had done it so he did it. Robin said there are people jumping off roof tops so do that too. Ronnie was screaming about it too. Howard said they can never admit they were wrong. Ronnie said he never puts up shit about the show ever. He said he puts up stupid shit. Howard said he has a problem with that too. He said he's Ronnie Hefner. Will asked if he just has to get out something about Ralph Howard. Jason said that Ronnie killed JD in the likes. Ronnie said he saw JD's on there so he put it up. He said he never puts shit up about the show but he saw other people did.
Howard said he has more followers than Ronnie and he never put anything up. Ronnie said they lost one reporter guy and now another. Ronnie went off on Jason for writing stuff down about everyone there. Will said he doesn't put it on social media though.
Howard said just let him do the show. Ronnie said he didn't do anything. He said he followed in their footsteps. Howard said follow him and don't post it. He said JD, Ronnie and Benjy just had to get that news out. He said just calm down and don't post things like that. Ronnie said fine, he'll never post anything about the show again. Howard said JD is constantly doing it. JD said he wasn't breaking any news. Howard said his audience isn't aware of Ralph Howard news.
JD said he was following people who were tweeting about it. Howard said just tweet about porn stars JD. Will said he's yelled at him like 3 times about this stuff. JD said he's done. He said he felt bad about not saying something. Howard said he knew he was doing an obituary this morning. Ronnie said he didn't. Howard said Ronnie doesn't know anything.
Howard took a call from Ralph Howard's ghost who was breaking news about JD being a douche and how Ronnie should keep to tweeting out ''Cunts.'' Howard said it would have been interesting for him to break the news to his audience. Howard said these guys ruined it just to get likes. He said JD is a like addict. JD told him to fuck off. Howard said he gives him life and he tells him to fuck off.
Howard said it's a very sad day. Fake Ralph said that it is and he'll see Ronnie soon. He told Ronnie to go fuck himself. He said Joan Rivers says he's an old asshole.
Jason asked who is the biggest widow on the show, JD or Ronnie. Howard said JD got it out first so he must be.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they haven't given one apology. Howard said he's just trying to say he's going to do an obituary. Ronnie said he didn't say that to him. He said that most of their followers listen to the show and if there's a startling story then just save it for the show. He said then you can write what you want. He said just come in on the show and say what you feel. Jason said just add to the segment. Ronnie said he does all the time. Howard said they can make something out of it if they come in there. Will said they don't have a take on any of this. That's the thing.
JD said he didn't think he was going to get on the air so he just put it on Twitter. Robin said he takes the steam out of the show when he does that. JD said that wasn't his thinking. Howard told him to go write his vows. Howard said Ronnie saw JD do it so he had to do it. Fred as Ronnie said that's the benchmark. The caller said that Ronnie gave the RIP!. Jason said he was very sad if he gave it that exclamation point.
Jason said that Ronnie was getting his marching orders from JD. He said JD is the guy who rushes for nothing.
Howard played a Ralph Howard clip from a High Pitch Erik news report. Howard said he knows most people know that he has died already. He said he's just going to do this anyway.
Howard said he's glad Ronnie got out his tweet before the show. Will said maybe the family didn't want anyone talking about it. What would they do then. Howard said that maybe JD can tweet out Robin's birthday surprise 20 minutes before it happens. Howard said he has certain things he'd like to break to his audience. Howard said JD just had to say it. Jason said just ask if you feel like you have to say something.
Howard said Ralph had lung problems and he had a lung transplant about 5 years ago. He said he got a last minute transplant and had another 5 years.
Howard had some audio of Ralph Howard talking about how much he loved working on the show. Howard spent a little more time going off on Ronnie and JD.
Howard said Ralph's wife was a lovely woman. He said he appreciated Ralph Howard and what he did for the show. Jason said he was a very layered person. Will said he loved Ralph too. Ronnie goofed on Will and asked why he doesn't have shit to say about him. Robin asked if he should have put it on Twitter. Ronnie said he wants to hear his eulogy about him. Howard said Ronnie is missing the whole point. He said Will doesn't have a lot to say and he's waiting for him to say something. He said Will came in to talk about Ronnie breaking the news.
Jason said they don't get it. He said this will happen again next week. Ronnie said sure it will.
Howard said it's a sad day. He said Brent was there when Ralph started. He said they had a tough time finding the right voice for Howard 100 News. He said when Ralph walked in they knew they had their man. Jason said he loved it too. He said he dove right in. He said that Ralph got what they loved about Steve Langford too and he went with it. Howard said he knows you heard the news on Twitter but there it is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's calling to defend JD and Ronnie. He said most of their followers may not even know who Ralph Howard was. Howard said that's true but just wait for him to do it. Ronnie said just get off it already when Will said something. He told Will to go away.
Jason said that someone might be writing an obituary this morning and they're looking to see if any Stern Show staffers have commented. He said they'll see Ronnie and JD. Howard said he thinks they made their point. Ronnie said he knows he made a mistake. Jason said Ronnie doest get why he's wrong though.
Howard asked JD if he has any closing statements. JD said he has said enough. He apologized. Gary said he can tell JD is pissed. He said he's just laying low because he knows he could say something wrong. Howard asked JD if he wants to reveal who the mystery guest is for Robin's birthday. Will said he's probably just broken up about Ralph. JD told him to yuck it up. He said he didn't know Ralph that well. Robin said that's why it was so important for him to get it out on Twitter.
Fred did his Ronnie impression giving some of his fake Tweets. He was telling him to rest in peace and shit.
Howard said they have a mystery guest coming in after the break. Howard said he's kind of excited about this. He said not kind of, he's just excited. Howard asked if Ronnie tweeted about the guest. Ronnie said no. Howard said JD hasn't tweeted it out either. JD didn't answer. Fred did as JD.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was going to agree with JD about the news being out there but it showed up because it was JD who tweeted it out. He said he was going to agree with him but he got the news from JD. He said that's why he's there. He said he's there for the show. Howard thanked him for making a point. Howard said he knows Ronnie has to go get the guest. Ronnie said that's already done. Howard said when they come back Robin's birthday present will be there. Howard said he knows Ronnie understands this all now. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said just wait until Robin sees who her gift is. Howard asked if she's excited about this. Robin said she feels like this is a joke. Howard said it's no joke. Robin said it's a professional looking group in there. Howard said they have a full band there. He said he brought in a mystery performer for Robin. Robin laughed and said she has no idea what's going on.
Howard said lets get to it. He asked for a drum roll. The drummer gave a drum roll. He said behind the screen is someone very tall and muscular. Howard said that person is a legend. He said that he's an international recording star. He said he's behind the most successful TV shows in history. He said he left his honeymoon early for Robin. Howard said he is there just for Robin's birthday. Robin was thinking about who would be on a Honeymoon. Robin said it's David Hasselhoff. Howard said she's right. Robin said she knew he just got married. David said he's 66 just like Robin is.
Howard thanked David for leaving his honeymoon for this. He said he has a new hit song that he's going to perform. David said it's called Heroes and it's a David Bowie song that he loves. Howard said this is his favorite David Bowie song. David said this is just for Robin. He said life begins at 66.
Howard had the guys perform the song. David and the band performed a cover of ''Heroes'' for Robin.
After the song Howard said David has done it again. He said that's a master class in cool. He said David came in for Robin's birthday. He said to leave his honeymoon for the show is something. He said he's a friend of the show. David said he thinks his wife is younger than Howard's wife. Howard said his age difference is 20 years. David said his is 27. Howard said they got married in Italy last week. David said her family and his two daughters came and then he left to come here.
Howard asked if there's a great love story there. David said she thought he was too old. He said about a week later she called and he had his assistant put her pictures back on his phone.
Howard said that a woman saying no to him must have been a first for him. David said she was the first woman he fell in love with when he saw her. He said he met her at a hotel when he was doing Britain's Got Talent. Howard asked if he misses America's Got Talent. David said he wanted to be on stage. He said he wants to move back there to New York to be on stage. Robin said she saw him in Jekyll and Hyde. David said that was a lot of fun.
David said he got down on his hands and knees and proposed to Hailey. He said they dated for 7 years before that. Howard asked David about why she was saying no. He asked if her parents are younger than him. David said they are actually. He said he has a lot in common with her dad. Howard asked if they had any objections. David said they loved it. He said he went to her house and said that her house looks like his house. He said her house was this row house. He said he thought they were one big house.
Howard said he has older children so is he ready to have children with her. David said she doesn't want to have children. He said that he told her that he'd lose her if they have kids. He said he will be there for her if she wants them. He said she spends time with her nephew and niece. He said she likes to leave them and come back to him. He said they love going around the world. He said they used to live in the same building. Howard said he still lives there. David said she hates the Paparazzi. He said she loves to take pictures of him. He said she'll take the picture because it's a lot easier.
Howard asked if he can keep up sexually. He said women that young have needs. David said it's the other way around. He said he's just a horn dog. Howard said he was married before. David said he imagined this girl all his life and there she is. He said her sister put pictures of him all over the house.
Howard said David has stayed in shape for his age. He said a lot of people fall apart. David said Howard still looks good too. Howard said he's not sure about that.
Howard said he recognizes the one guy over there in the band as the producer of Marilyn Manson, Tyler Bates. Howard said he has produced Marilyn Manson and written hundreds of soundtracks. Tyler said they're about to start John Wick 3. Howard said he has a big carer. He asked if he approached David himself. Tyler said James Gunn asked him to do a Disco Version of the main theme and David came and did that and he asked him to do some music together. He said sure.
Howard said David has sold a ton of albums. David said he has a series on Netflix called Hoff the Record. He said that it's taken over his life. He said he can be honest through comedy on TV. He said he was able to address stuff that was written about him that wasn't true. David said that he had video come out of him drunk and eating a hamburger. He said he told his kids to record it and then someone put it out. He said he won't say who put it out but he knows who did it. Howard said you don't want that out there. David said he was in his home though. He said you can do what you want in your home. Howard asked if he wanted to see how bad his drinking problem was. David said yes. He said he's sober now and that was hard to see. He said he has done it all to get sober.
Howard asked if he quit for his wife. David said he did. He said Hailey and his kids mean more to him than that. David said life is not fair and stuff happens. He said if you realize that and that there are people worse off than you then you realize how bad it is. He said one guy he knew in AA ended up dead. He said that they have this amazing thing going on and he had to pick himself up and move on. He said that's what he did.
Howard congratulated David on that. He asked if he misses it. David said not at all. He said he loves doing this. Howard asked if he thinks he'll slip back into it. David said not at all. Howard said he thought he was down for the count. David said he was in Romania and they showed it over there. He asked who cares now.
Howard asked how he came to record this song. David said he asked him to do this song for the tribute to Bowie for his show. Howard said he met Bowie at a birthday show. He said he didn't want to be interviewed but he performed a couple of songs for them. He said it was great. He said that he worshiped the guy as a young man. David said he did Heroes because he sang that the night the Berlin Wall came down. He said that he had a hit song for 8 weeks in Germany back then. He said he just came off tour over there. Howard asked what it is over there that makes them appreciate him so much. David said he thinks it's the music. He said he's doing songs for Kung Fury and things like that.
Howard asked if Iman is supportive of him doing this song. David said no. He said they are not happy about it. Howard asked what they are doing. David said he did a video and they are not letting him release it. He said that the video of this show today can be released though. He said he did the song in German. Howard asked if he played the song to Iman. David said yes. He said they loved the song and his version of it. He said that he got great reviews of it in Germany. He said it's about being a hero and helping people. He said Bowie wrote it in Berlin. He said he was there to get off of heroin.
Howard asked Tyler why they won't let them release the video. Tyler said that it's a great version of the song and he's not sure. He said that he had dinner with Marilyn Manson and David. He said it was incredibly awkward. Howard asked if he liked the Hoff. Tyler said that he played the song for Marilyn and he thought it was incredible.
Howard said both of Tyler's daughters are in the band. One of them was only 13. Howard talked to her about being in the band and how she knew him from Spongebob. Howard said his other daughter is there too. She's 17 and plays the bass. David said she plays classical piano too. Tyler said she is a pianist and a bass player. Howard said they have Marchello on drums. He said they also have John on guitar and he said that it's been a fun thing to do with David. Howard said he has some band there. David said he's with the A-team. Howard said maybe he'll do a Marilyn Manson song next. David said he loves his stuff too.
Howard asked Tyler which song is the hardest to perform. He mentioned one and said that Marilyn started doing old songs so it was time for him to get back to his regular job. He said he has The Spy Who Dumped Me out right now. Howard asked how he composes. Tyler said that you form a concept in your head and then take it from there. David said that one of this themes was rated R. Tyler said it's a first for an all score record. Howard said he bets he doesn't get another movie after this.
Howard said he bets that people don't know that David was considered for Superman in the original movie. David said he was and he turned it down. Howard asked if that's the worst carer move ever. David said it's like when Howard said to Nicole Eggert that walking away from Baywatch was a huge mistake. He said that Howard asked her if she put part of her brain in her breast implants.
Howard said David has that look like Superman. Howard asked who told him not to do it. David said that this casting agent told him that he'd be Superman the rest of his life. Howard said that Robert Downey is Iron Man and that's working out. David said he wishes he had that. He said Guardians of the Galaxy 2 is all about Hasselhoff. He said that's been great too.
Howard asked if he was upset about turning down Superman. David said he was fine. He said he didn't even think about it. He said he was doing a soap called The Young and the Restless. He said he got Knight Rider. Howard said Bruce Jenner auditioned for Superman too.
Howard said people don't realize that Baywatch was great because the first season didn't go so great and David took a pay cut. He wanted some ownership instead so he got that and that's why he has such great wealth. David said they asked for more Knight Rider in Germany and he had this new show for them. He said they bought it anyway and they got $425,000 that he took to America and bought the show. He said they lasted 11 years. Howard said Pam Anderson, Nicole Eggert and all of these people came out of there.
Howard said they had some great plot lines in the show. He said they had a little person who was depressed and he was always walking on the beach sad. He said that he did heart surgery with a Bic Pen. David said he thinks it was a pencil. Howard said he did open heart surgery. David said the funniest one was where he did a defibrilator and shocked someone under the water. He said they had an alligator coming after them. He said they tried to do a remake and it just didn't work.
Howard asked David if he had to ask the father of Hailey for her hand in marriage. David said they didn't have to do any of that. He said they had this nice wedding and they filmed it for a magazine. He said they filmed it with a drone. David said he turned to her and saw her face at the wedding. He said that she was crying and he knew that she loved him. Howard said his kids love her too. He said she's older than them. He said she's 39 in September. He said she's older than the kids. Howard said this is some story.
Howard said that David's cover of Heroes is on iTunes. Howard asked if they're going to do a whole album. David said they have a song for Kung Fury. Howard said it's too bad they can't release the video for the song.
David asked why Howard quit America's Got Talent. Howard said he had done it for 4 years and he was tired of doing it. He said he didn't have to travel that much. He said he stopped them from making that happen. David said you do have to travel a lot. He said he left the show and he had Piers Morgan on with him. He said he left the show and he was doing Dancing with the Stars. He said he got knocked off in the first round and he got a call from Simon Cowell. He said he asked him to replace him on Britain's Got Talent. He said he had just fired him from America's Got Talent. He said Simon said it wasn't him. He said the best thing about that was Simon. He said he sent him to the St. David hotel and that's where he met his wife. Howard said he thought they were going to rag on Simon. David said that he's getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Howard said the Hoff is happening. He asked if he tried to change his name to The Hoff. David said he did as a publicity thing. He said his kids were asking if there was no more Hassel.
Howard asked if he's still paying alimony. David said he is on the second marriage. He said that he's happy and he has things in development. Howard asked if it's tough to write that check. David said someone else fills it out so it's not so bad.
David asked how long he's been with his wife. Howard said they've been together 19 years. H said they've been married almost 10.
Tyler said his first date with his wife was to see Private Parts. Howard said that's great. He asked for a riff from a Marilyn Manson song. Tyler played something from a Manson song. Howard asked if music is still a good career. Tyler said he did a lot of shows with Marilyn and there are still a lot of people who love to rock out there. He said rock isn't dead.
Howard told Tyler's daughter that if she marries someone when she's of age like David did then the husband is 40 years old already. The 13 year old said ''Oh. My. God.''
David asked Robin if she liked the song. Robin said she did. David said he heard the arrangement when he was doing a Hoff cruise. He said they go all over the place on the cruise. Howard said he might run into him on the cruise. David said that's the tough part of doing the cruise. Howard asked if women knock on his door. David said they go around chanting ''Hoff'' through the halls.
David said he did the Gumball Rally over in Europe and it costs 50,000 pounds to enter. He said the police will cordon off a segment and you can go as fast as you want. He said it's a rally that they do over there. He said it's like advertising for your company. Howard said he'd rather have his teeth removed. David said the biggest people are the porno people.
Howard asked David more about the cruise and if he gets to meet him on there. David said they do have a meet and greet. He said he does 3 concerts and you can ask him anything you want.
Howard said David is doing it all. He gave him some plugs for the song and for the movie ''The Spy Who Dumped Me'' which Tyler did the soundtrack for. Howard said he also did the John Wick soundtrack. Howard said he loves those movies. Howard asked Tyler what it costs to score a movie. Tyler said it depends on who it is. He said he just wants to work with cool people. Tyler asked if they can sing Happy Birthday to Robin. Howard said he didn't know that was on the table. Tyler wanted all of the fans to sing along. Howard said it's like Ringo with his Peace and Love. Howard said he wants to hear his daughters sing. They started singing Happy Birthday to Robin.
Howard asked about James Gunn being fired from Guardians of the Galaxy. Tyler said he worked with him for 14 years and that whole thing is a misrepresentation of who that man is. David said that he also put him in the second movie and he owes him a lot. He said that was a lot of fun being in the movie.
Howard thanked the band for being there and asked if David has anything he wants to tell them that he has never come clean about before. David said ''Wow!'' He said he has some secrets and he can't really remember the 80s. Howard asked if he finished on the car. David said he had the car in the Leave it to Beaver house and the tour drove by and he was having fun in the house. He said he was doing something in the Leave it to Beaver house. He said he had a woman in there. He said that he had a woman every week when he was doing Knight Rider. Howard asked if it was Estelle Getty. Howard thanked Tyler for having a 13 year old there while he's talking about that with David.
Howard thanked everyone for coming in today and performing the song for Robin. Robin said it was awesome. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said Robin is very smart. He said she won on Jeopardy. Robin said once she did. Howard said Robin has always been a fan of the Hoff. Howard said everyone in America and Germany is. Robin said she saw him over in London and he had that ''Don't Hassle the Hoff'' jacket on. Robin said everyone knew it was him. Howard said it was great to see him. Robin said he looks great. She congratulated him on that new marriage. Robin said she thought it was odd that he told the 13 year old that her future husband is 40.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he thought they were going to have Bruno Mars or Stevie Wonder in there. Howard said neither of them had hit TV shows. Howard said you had to be blown away that it was the Hoff. Jeff said he was amazed.
Jeff said he was thinking about how they should have Big Brother for the Wack Pack. Howard said that might be a good idea. He said he'll think about it. He asked Robin what she thinks. She said that might not be a bad idea. Howard said they can have it hosted by Julie Chen. Robin asked if Sharon is coming in. Gary said they're waiting on a call back.
Howard took a call from phony Arnold Schwarzenegger who sang to Robin in his ''aagl'' language. Howard said he loves when he does that.
Howard said he saw the finale of The Bachelorette. He said it was kind of sad. He said he got annoyed. He said this was her second time on the show. He said they're regular people but then they ask where they're going to live and they talk about moving to California. He said they have to remind them that this is it and they don't have a show business talent. He said at the end of the day the party is over and it's time to go to work. Robin said she saw that the black Bachelorette was tweeting through the whole thing. She said she's a lawyer so she should be working. Howard said she can't let go of the fame. He said just go back to being a lawyer.
Howard said that show is so weird. He said they asked the bachelor about some controversy but they won't say what it was. He said he had to look it up and it was anti-gay or anti-transgender tweets.
Howard said he sees Benjy is upset with him not wanting people to go after their dreams. Howard said he just wants people to be real. He said that they don't have to move to L.A. Gary said Benjy wants a minute to speak. Howard said he'll give him a minute.
Benjy came in and said that they're on that show to become famous and have a career in entertainment. Howard asked where the career is. He said she's going after fame. Benjy said she's moving to L.A. with more than most people. Howard said he thinks he's had enough. He had him say happy birthday to Robin and leave. Benjy did that. They played him out with a song parody.
Howard had Ronnie's mom on the phone for a minute to wish Robin a happy birthday before he did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard asked if Robin wants a birthday wish from president Obama. Robin said sure. Howard had Fake Obama on the phone for a few seconds wishing her a happy birthday.
Howard said that he had so much to get to today. He said they can save it for another day. He said they should get to news. Robin said she said hello to Mr. Shuli yesterday and she realized it was Underdog who calls him Mr. Shuli. Howard played a clip of Underdog being happy to hear from Shuli and then freaking out because she's busy. In the clip Underdog said she is so glad to hear from him but her bus is outside. In another clip Shuli told Underdog he had a meeting to get to and she freaked out saying she would try to be brief.
Howard took a call from Fake President Trump who repealed whatever it was that Obama said. He said he's a liar and a leaker. He had to run after that.
Howard said it's time for news. They played Robin into it with a song parody about Robin to the tune of the Baywatch theme. Howard had fake Ivanka Trump on the phone to wish Robin a happy birthday after that.
Robin started her news with a story about the CW coming out with a Batwoman show. Robin said Ruby Rose will be playing the openly gay super hero. Howard asked if Batwoman is gay. Robin said that's what they're saying there. Howard said that's kind of hot. Jason said this character has been gay about 20 years. Howard said she should just fuck women every week. Jason said in the comic she does date a lot. Howard said he thinks Supergirl experimented in college. He said she's kind of hot too. Robin read some details about the new show.
Robin read a story about Caitlyn Jenner wanting to be a villain in a Marvel film. Howard said he'd watch her as Batwoman. Robin said that she wants to play a bad ass lady. Howard did his impression of her with his voice going from high to low. Fred did his impression too. Howard said he loves Caitlyn. He said he would like to see that. Howard said Caitlyn has a new girlfriend in her 20s and blonde. He said that she could be Mrs. Freeze. He said he had a wife who he was in love with so she could play that.
Robin read a story about the Jenner family isn't being nice to each other. Robin said the Kardashians are fighting with each other. She said that Kourtney and Kim are being mean to each other. Robin said Caitlyn Jenner didn't show up to her son Brody's wedding. Robin said that Caitlyn didn't show up and neither did Kendall and Kylie. Robin said they got invitations and they never RSVP'd. Howard said he'd love to do a show with all of them and work this out. He said this is ridiculous. Robin said one problem is that Brody's wife is named Kaitlynn. Howard said that's sad actually. He said he really would like to help them work things out. He talked to Fred as Caitlyn some more.
Robin read a story about the top 5 most popular songs of all time. Robin had Howard go through the songs with her. She said this is the Billboard charts. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he was surprised that number 15 on the list of most popular songs was this song. He played a song that Tan Mom did called ''Free to be Patricia Marie.'' Robin said there's one thing that throws her at the start of that song. She said it was when she says ''Jiminy Cricket.'' Howard said you can't knock the song.
Robin read a story about a protest that's been going on for 22 days in a row. Robin said they have been going on in Washington DC. Robin said Rosie O'Donnell was down there on a bus full of celebrities. Robin had some audio of Rosie speaking at the protest.
Robin read a story about a grandmother and granddaughter that came into a salon to get pedicures. Robin said someone got their eyebrows plucked and they didn't like how that was going so they didn't want to pay for any of the service they got and they got into a fight. Robin said the video shows the workers hitting someone with a broom. Robin had some audio of the melee. Robin said there have been protests ever since at the salon.
Howard took a call from a guy who was there but not responding. Howard tried to get his attention but he wasn't answering. Howard finally got his attention. The guy said his phone was upside down. Robin said that's a first. Howard asked if he's high. The caller, T-Bone, said that he has had 6 or 7 beers. Howard said he's his kind of guy. T-Bone said he called in because he's 29 and he hasn't had too much success with the ladies. Howard said he was watching a report on this and these guys go on the internet and call women names and stuff. Howard asked if he has had sex with a woman. T-Bone said once. Robin asked how that happened. T-Bone said she liked him more than he liked her. He said they were both virgins and they just did it. Howard asked why it was only once. T-Bone said he wasn't that into her. Howard asked if it was her weight. T-Bone said he didn't mind it that much. He said that wasn't the main reason. He said she was more religious than he was.
Howard said if he couldn't get laid he'd take anything he could get. He found out that T-Bone had a problem cumming with her too. Howard asked what the problem was. T-Bone said that he was going at it for like 20 minutes. He said he just got tired and took a nap. Howard asked what she said. T-Bone said she was kind of disappointed. Howard asked if he's into dudes. T-Bone said he has experimented. He said he has done about the same as he did with that girl. He said he blew a guy. Howard said he's gay, that's all. He said no problem. He said just be with dudes. T-Bone said he doesn't really like people.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella and asked if he has any advice for this guy. Ralph said he sounds like a loser. He said he's drunk at 9 in the morning. T-Bone said he's about to go to bed. Howard said this is his nighttime. Ralph said that's a problem in itself. Ralph said he likes that this guy is turning down girls. Howard asked if he's well hung. T-Bone said he's about average. He said she was real tight because she was a virgin.
Howard asked if Ralph has anything to add. Ralph said he called in about JD and Ronnie. He said he wants to say this, just ask themselves if Howard would tweet this before sending out anything. He said just say ''What would Howard do?'' He said it's a no brainer. Gary said that's really good advice. He said Benjy asked himself that question and just tweeted. Ralph said he thinks Benjy did it because he's his own worst enemy.
Howard asked if JD heard that. JD said he did and he's done tweeting. Howard said he's not done. He said don't make that pronouncement.
Gary said Benjy thinks Howard isn't even really mad. Howard said Benjy has no idea that he's really mad after working with him all these years.
Howard said he's sorry about T-Bone but he has to talk to someone. He said he should get in touch with that NAMI place. Ralph told him to get some coke and party. Howard said that's not good advice. Howard let T-Bone go after that. Robin said that there are going to be male cheerleaders for the NFL soon. Robin said the Rams and Saints are going to have male cheerleaders for the first time. Howard said why not. He said he likes that. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Hannah Gatsby who is Australian and a gay comedian. Robin said she was doing a show and it occurred to her she shouldn't be doing this anymore because it's not good for her. She wound up quitting comedy. Robin had some audio of her doing her act. Robin had her talking about quitting comedy during her show. Howard asked when he's supposed to laugh. Robin said this isn't a joke. Howard said he thinks they shifted into a Ted talk. Howard said he guarantees she's back in a year. Howard said his guys would quit the show on Twitter. Robin had more audio of Hannah talking about how she was abused as a child and venting about that. Howard said that's heavy. Robin said she thought that was going to end her career but people love her for speaking out. Howard said maybe she'll be happier after giving it up. He said she can make inspirational talks instead.
Robin read a story about the president talking about monitoring the wild fires in California. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that. The recording was shit so Howard did an impression of that. Robin asked where those microphones were. She said they actually came from Bedminster, New Jersey where he's on a ''working vacation.'' Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took another call from Ralph who said that was from a Netflix special where that comedian broke down. He said she's actually very funny. Howard said she's not going to be funny anymore after quitting. Robin said she's not quitting show business.
Robin read a story about Microsoft's new Surface Go tablet. Robin said it's available now. Robin had some details about that and some audio of someone from Microsoft talking about the new tablet.
Robin read a story about how Lyme disease is now in all 50 states. Robin said that they show a steady rise in the illness over the past 7 years. Fred played Jim Florentine's Special Ed ''Yay!'' clip. Robin read more details about the spread of the disease. Howard said he hates walking on grass. He said he's always having Beth check him for ticks. He said he had a tick on his ball sack once. Howard said just stay inside. He said there's too much stuff going on.
Robin read about Paul Ryan giving up his seat and he has said he has no regrets about anything he has done. Robin had more details about that and he claims he has averted certain tragedies by counseling Trump.
Robin said today is international cat day. She said she's not sure how you celebrate that though.
Robin said Charles Oakley is accepting a plea deal to keep him out of jail. Robin said he was arrested in July by trying to take back a bet when he realized he was going to lose. Robin said you can't do that.
Robin read a story about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fighting again. Robin said she's demanding more child support and she wants it paid retroactively. Robin said she's also asking the judge to give her complete child custody. Howard said he loves it when hot people fight. Robin said she doesn't get how they can't think back to how they used to get along. Howard said that never happens. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am
Today's show was over around 11:05am.