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Howard was back from vacation this morning. He started the show talking about how he hopes he's not rusty after a week off. Robin said he has some voice. He was doing his morning radio guy voice. He said they don't do radio like that anymore. He said everyone into that natural sound now. Robin wondered where that came from. Howard said radio is such a stupid business that they had to find guys who talked like that.
Howard said he's not sure where to begin today. Robin said his hair appears to be very dark this morning. Howard said it might be his new cut or his gel. He asked if she thinks he colored it. Robin said she's never seen it that black. Howard said this is his hair. He said now she's made him self conscious. Robin said it's beautifully curled. Howard thanked her for that. He said he threw gel in it this morning. He said it takes about 2 hours for it to calm down. He said he has to take a look. He had a mirror over there. Robin said she didn't want him to make up his hair. Howard said he might as well.
Howard said they still video tape the show even though they have no outlet. He said some day they will. He said he thought they would have had the app on by now but that's cool. He said he doesn't look good and he's happy to not be on TV. He said he used to have Toni come in to help with his hair but now he doesn't care. He said some days it's too frizzy and sometimes it's too tight to his head. He said he gave up at some point. He asked who gives a fuck.
Howard said he had Toni come out to the letterman tapings back in the day and that didn't make any difference. He said that it was an extra 2 percent help. He said it takes him out of his game when he does it. Robin asked if Letterman was there when he did it. Howard said he was on the old show. Howard said he went straight through with the Netflix show. He said he got a note from Dave about doing that show. He said it was very nice. He said he had a million doubts about doing that show. He said he tried to make it as real as possible. He said it's still a performance. He said it was good to be there with Dave. He said he missed him so it was kind of cool to be there with him.
Howard said he stayed up last night to watch 60 Minutes. He said he ended up watching basketball and he was into that. He said he picked a side for no apparent reason. He said he related to this white kid who made a bunch of baskets toward the end of the game. He said he was rooting for Duke because of this kid. He said he was basing it on a racial thing. Robin said she's not sure she can work there anymore if he's racist. Howard said he was thinking about what it would have been like if he could have played basketball. He said they would have thought he was ''one of ours'' if he could play. He said he was rooting for Duke because of that. He said he was disgusted with himself so he went and masturbated.
Howard said this kid Grayson Allen is hated or some reason. Gary said he can have Will explain why that is. Howard had him come in. Will came in and told Howard about how he comes off as a douchy kid. He said there are a lot of great college players who aren't built for the NBA. Howard said they get out of college and get into car dealerships and stuff. Will said he'll be a hero.
Howard said he was rooting for Duke and he only saw 10 minutes of the show. He said it was a great game. Robin said it was only a great 10 minutes. Will said the college tournament is the best. He said Richard is a huge Kansas fan. Howard said there was super tall guy on that team too. He said he was rooting for that guy too.
Howard said there was a report about this guy in the NBA who was killing it. He said he wasn't great in school though. JD said they call him the Greek Freak. Howard said that's the guy. He said he can't even say his name. Jon Hein told him the name.
Howard said he saw the whole Stormy Daniels thing. He said he has a lot of conflict with that whole thing. He said she took $130,000 and he's a guy who honors a contract. Howard said if you take the money then shut your fucking mouth. He said he's conflicted because she came out last night claiming that she was threatened into signing the agreement. He said he was going ''wait a second.'' He said his overall feeling was deep sadness for the world the way it is now. He said he knows Donald and he's known him for years. He said the idea that someone has to pay someone to keep quiet about it seems so dark. He said if people have stuff on him about signing NDAs... He said he has NDAs that he's signed and you don't want to be evaluated and talked about. He said they're on the air but they have stuff they can't talk about. He said just having sex is so dark. He said it's a good lesson for everyone. He said don't have sex with anyone you're embarrassed about.
Howard said the other thing is that Trump didn't use a rubber with a porn star. He said he's a germaphobe and they've talked about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what this Stormy Daniels is trying to prove with this. Howard said he's thinking that they're trying to show that if he used money from the campaign or this lawyer used his money for this then they could impeach the president. He said that he's not sure but maybe she doesn't like being called a liar. He said that it's all very flimsy. He said if you took that money it's so weird.
Howard said he has Melania on the phone. He took a call from fake Melania who insulted Stormy about her looks and things like that. She said she bets toilet bowl catch herpes from her. Melania said she's leaving Donald and she can't pick which rich asshole to leave him for. Howard said he's sure she'll get millions if she leaves him. Melania also asked Robin not to talk so much. She said she's looking at Mel Gibson to be her husband now. Howard thanked her for the call. He said she was doing good for a while. He let her go after that.
Howard said he found a great guy for Robin and he was interviewing him for her. He said he was married and his wife died. Howard said he was loyal right up to the end. He said he can't say who he is. He said he was interviewing him for Robin though. He said they'll see about it for her.
The caller said after Roots came out ''they'' put him in the hospital. He said they blamed him for all of that. Howard said this guy sounds a lot like Sal. The caller, Paul, said he definitely isn't Sal. Howard thanked him for the call again. He said how about 4 hours with him. Paul said he's sorry again. Howard asked where he lives now. Paul said he's in Orange County now. Howard said he's sorry. He let him go after that.
Howard said that's the guy he was interviewing for Robin's husband. He said it's great he had a good phone connection. He just didn't have anything to say.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Mayor de Blasio's wife wanting to get paid. Howard said he has to hang up on the caller. He said he has the whole story wrong. Howard said Mayor de Blasio has a wife who is a fabulous woman. He said the mayor's wife has said she doesn't want to be paid. He said she has said she wants to give back to the city. He said the mayor is the one who thought she should get paid. He said there are nepotism laws so they can't pay her.
Howard said these two have team work and he has said that. He said the mayor enjoys working with her and she's all in with him. Howard said that's a good marriage to him. He said she's a big advocate for the gay community. He said she read that she initiated this overhaul about how we treat the mentally ill. He said that every day he reads about gun violence and how we have to take care of the mentally ill. He said no one is doing anything about it. He said they don't put out any policy about it. Robin said they cut the funding that would help the mentally ill.
Howard said this woman is actually doing something about it. He said don't criticise her. He said we should be praising her. He said the mayor and his wife are up to good things. He said he admires that she's working. He said they track all of her meetings and phone calls so they know how much she's working. Howard said he admires her.
Howard said he sees that this Cynthia Nixon is going to run for governor. He said Cuomo can't underestimate her. He said that she could get elected. Robin said that name recognition is a big thing and celebrity brings that. Howard said she has never served in office but she is an activist. He said she has taken an interest in causes and he's not sure what's going to happen there. He said she has a fairly decent resume. Howard said if Nixon wins then she'd be the first governor who has shown her tits on screen. He said that's something he came up with himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's taking Stormy Daniels at face value. Howard said he believes she had sex with Donald. He said that he believes that because of Bubba the Love Sponge who had her on his show years ago and she talked about having sex with him. He said he thinks she's telling the truth about that. He said he just doesn't like it when people take money not to talk and then they talk. He said that's not cool. The caller said he doesn't think she's all that credible. He said she has said things that he doesn't believe. Howard said it's hard to believe that he didn't wear a rubber. The caller said he has had sex and he's done things that he's not proud of. Howard asked what he's not proud of. Howard said he's never done that. Robin said he has had sex with women who he won't talk about. Howard said that's because they want their anonymity. The caller said that's his case too.
Howard said what trump has to worry about is how this woman was paid. He said the other girl who came forward is really hot. He said she claims that he didn't wear a rubber with her either. Howard said he's really taking chances.
Howard said most women that he's had sex with have made him sign an NDA. He said that he can't believe that Trump had to offer these women money. He said that's an odd thing. Robin said it is weird. The caller said that might be a power move. Howard said maybe he feels bad for them. He said he might give them a couple of bucks for dinner or something. Robin asked if they said now much it was. Howard said they didn't. Robin said it seems like they're selling out cheaply.
Howard said it's a very scary thing to have secrets that people can threaten you with. He said that's scary when you're president.
Howard said Sarah Huckabee Sanders came out and said that Trump couldn't wear a condom. He said she said his cock is too big.
The caller said he was talking to the guys in the back had he thinks Robin is wonderful. He said her brown mounds are wonderful. He said he'd like to see if she would go on a date with him. Howard said she would. Howard said he approves of this guy Matt. He said he's perfect for her. He said he loves in Maine. Howard said she could devour him and send him back home if she gets sick of him.
Howard said he got to meet Bruce after the show. He said he wasn't sure what to say to him. He said he speaks and he plays songs in the show and he connects to a lot of it. He said when he met Bruce he said he told him how much he loves the show. He said he was tongue tied talking to the guy. He said he asked how he's holding up doing the show every night. He said Bruce is no spring chicken. He said Bruce said to him that emotionally it's draining but he loves doing it. He said he loves going back and visiting his parents and neighborhood emotionally. He said he's pouring his heart out on stage. He said he likes that but it's draining.
Howard said he understands that. He said that he gets why it's draining. He said that's what therapy is like for him. He said he'd drained when he goes to therapy. Robin said he gets to do his therapy after the show. Robin said she used to go before doing the show when they were doing it in the afternoons. Robin said she sometimes thought she wasn't able to do a show but she went and did it. Robin said it clobbers you.
Howard said Robin got to see Bruce and she was skeptical about it. He said she did tell him that it was great. He said he and Robin spoke on the phone about it and she was very charged up about it. He said she was very emotional about it. Robin said she was and that surprised her.
Howard asked Fred if he has seen the show. Fred said he has and there is no one like him. He said you'll never see another guy like him. Howard said he was thinking that other rock stars would want to do it. Fred said they would suck if they did.
Howard said the thing that got him was when Bruce was up there talking about his mother and how she loved to dance in the early years. He said he went on about her and her working class background. Then he reveals that his mother has been battling Alzheimer's for 7 years. He said that ''Dancing in the Dark'' seems to be a love song to his mother. He said it's like she's dancing in the dark with Alzheimer's. He said the whole thing got him. He said he was really emotional about it. He said he was walking around singing the song over vacation. He said he was just singing the lyrics he knows which isn't that much. He did some of that for the guys. He said he doesn't know the words to any song other than The Name Game.
Howard said Bruce did ''Dancing in the Dark'' with just the guitar. Howard said Gary must have been kvelling. Gary said he saw it and it was better this time than it was last time. He said he almost cried in 3 spots. He said that it got to him when he said he didn't go to Vietnam and how someone had to take his spot. He said the whole thing was very intimate.
Howard thanked Gary for not clearing his throat during the show. He said he was worried that he'd be doing that through the whole show.
Howard said there was some kind of thing going on during the show. Gary said he thinks it was a medical thing. Howard said Bruce offered the whole house to SiriusXM. Howard asked if it was all employees. Gary said it was all subscribers. Howard said he saw Liev Schreiber there. He said he was excited to meet him. He said he's not good with this stuff but he told him he loves that Ray Donovan. He said Liev is a fan and he loved the Jerry Seinfeld interview. He said that he was telling him how great his show is and Liev turned it around and said he has the best radio show. He said he was trying to compliment the guy hand he hijacked his compliment.
Howard said he's so bad at being back stage. He said they were waiting for Bruce back there and he invited him to be there. He said he waited and then Bruce walked down the steps. He said he didn't know what to say to the guy.
Howard said he took a picture with Bruce and of course he looked horrible next to Bruce. Howard said they also brought Beth's brother there. He said her whole family is good looking and then there's him. He said it's like Cousin It. Robin said it's like the slow person in a beautiful family. Robin said they expect him to make weird noises.
Howard said it was a great night. He said Bruce knocked it out of the park with that show. He said he has Gary on the phone to talk about Bruce. He had Sour Shoes as Gary on the line. Sour Gary was playing ''Dancing in the Dark'' and clearing his throat. He was also rambling and clearing his throat more and explaining why he has to do that. Howard asked if his throat will ever be clear. Sour Gary said he's not sure. Howard said if he knew he was going to have to clear his throat all these years he never would have hired him.
Sour Gary was talking about how he'd like to turn his book into a Broadway play. He said they could turn ''They Call Me Baba Booey'' into a show. Howard said he ash a song they could feature in his play. He played a song parody about Gary's phlegm. It was to the tune of Van Halen's ''Hot for Teacher.'' Howard said that's awesome. He said that's Van Lougie. He said they'll have 10 songs all with clearing his throat in the play.
Howard said he didn't see Fred at the show. Gary said he was sitting next to him. Howard said Gary wasn't clearing his throat so that was good. He said it was a very special night. Robin asked how Ross was. Howard said he was texting him during that show. He said he had to tell him to take it easy.
Howard thanked Gary and said good luck with the Broadway show. He said he has to take a break and then play some Stormy Daniels clips. He said they had a nice week off. Robin asked if they're going to be asking Sarah Huckabee Sanders about the Stormy Daniels thing. Howard said of course they will. He said she's his favorite with her answers. Robin said she wants to know what she's going to say to calm people down. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard said he saw the Imus interview with CBS Sunday Morning. He said it scares the shit out of him because he looks terrible. He said that he's not sure what that cowboy hat is hiding. He said it must be hiding something. He said he's always worn an outfit. He said he used to wear a race car driver jump suit. He said now he dresses like a cowboy. He said he's not sure what's up with that.
Howard said Imus had a beautiful radio voice and he lost his timbre. He said that his father was like that too. He did an impression of his dad and said it was really sad when he lost is. He said Imus is 77 and he got into healthy living but he wasn't healthy early on. He said he thinks he's battling emphysema or something. He said he was having a tough time speaking. He said that he got clips of him talking about him. He said Imus was talking about how Howard Stern is in his top 5 radio guys. He said Imus claims he got 5 Marconi awards so he's the best radio guy. Howard said he's not even sure what that is. He said Gary told him it's an award that the NAB gives out. Gary said you have to be a member of the National Association of Broadcasters. He said Howard never got one because Mel fought with them when they were at K-Rock.
Howard said it shook him to see Imus after knowing him all this time. He said he knew him when he was young. He said when he loses his timbre they have to get out. Robin said they do. She said she checks her voice every day. Howard said maybe he wont lose his timbre but if he does Robin has to yell out ''TIMBER!''
Howard said Larry King never lost his timbre. He said he's still doing a show. He said he hears Tom Brokaw and he lost his timbre. He said he has that old sound. He said Walter Kronkite was the greatest news guy ever and he was constantly losing his timbre. He said his voice was all fucked up.
Howard said odds are that he'll lose his timbre. Robin said maybe not. Robin said Larry has never stopped. She said if he stops he might lose it.
Howard said if he loses his timbre he might start using that Stephen Hawking voice thing. He did an impression of that. He was talking about jerking off to Stormy Daniels porn. He said he was actually searching for it and wasn't able to find any.
Howard said George Takei still has his timbre. He said maybe he could keep his. He said his dad used to sing and he had his timbre back then.
Howard said JD pulled some clips of Imus and he was kind of shocked about how he sounded. He said it was like if Roy Rogers was on the Walking Dead. He said he looks terrible. Howard said Imus had that cowboy hat on and it was like it was too big for him. He said it frightened JD. He said Imus did lose his timbre so it was hard to understand what he was saying.
Howard said Brent is going to come in and talk about how Imus isn't even close to being number 1 in radio. Brent came in and said that Howard is number 1. He said Orson Wells is number 2. He said that number three is Edward R. Murrow. He said he was live in London during World War II. He said number 4 is Art Bell. Howard said he has never heard him. Brent said that he let guests come on and say outrageous things and never stopped them. Howard asked why he quits all the time. Brent said he's very difficult. He said he has Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh tied at number 5. He said he's not sure why Imus thinks he's up there.
Howard said Imus thinks he has a problem with him. Howard said he did have a hang up with him. He said Imus' show was changed by him. He said that Don's show evolved into a talk show because he came to NBC. He said maybe he should let go of that. He said that Imus should say that he influenced him. He said he doesn't want to do that. He said that he must want to act like he evolved into that himself. He said that bothers him for some reason. Robin said it should bother him. Robin said he used to sit in on the writing meetings and join them on the air. Howard said he called his mother on his show. Robin said he used to use things on his show that they created on their show.
Howard said maybe it should bother him. Brent said it should. Howard said he's just let go of it. Robin said he can't get mad about the thousands of people who have been influenced by him. Howard said he has to say that Rush Limbaugh has done something incredible. He said Bob Grant is number 1 on his list though. He said that he was Rush way before Rush was Rush. Howard said Bob is the greatest ever. He said he's number 1 on his list. He said after that he's lost. He said Brad Crandall maybe. He said he used to listen to him when he was a little boy. He said the guy took phone calls only. He said in one phone call he could tell people how to fix things. He said he'd get a call asking about how to fix a screen door and he knew how to fix it. He said then someone would ask about science or politics and he had answers for it all. Robin said there was a guy who could answer about real estate. Brent said she might be talking about Bernard Meltzer. Howard said he's not putting him in there but he was pretty good. Howard said he'd have to put a list together.
Howard said Dick Perten from Detroit was good. He said he might be on that list. Brent asked about the guys on WPLJ. Howard said they were good too. He said Casey Kasem was good. He said this guy owns a building in Los Angeles from saying ''Coming in at number 5...'' Howard said he loved Meg Griffin. He said he had a strange attraction to her.
Howard said he has to get back to Imus and his timbre. He said this is Imus talking on this CBS Sunday Morning show. Howard played a clip of Imus where he was answering a question and he was giving his list of top radio guys. Howard said he's in the third stage of decay. He said Robin should look like that, not Imus. He said Robin had cancer and she doesn't look that bad.
Howard said he has to get out of radio before this happens to him. He was talking about how awful Imus looked. He said he had maggots pouring out of his head and things like that. He said you see birds flying over his head. He said that's the third stage of decay. He had Brent cracking up at that stuff. Howard said he has to get out while he still has his timbre.
Howard played more of the Imus clip where he talked about his best 5 ever. He said Walter Godfrey, Wolfman Jack and Stern in there. Then Imus said something where he mumbled something. Howard said he thought he said he had a bigger following than him. He said Gary said he didn't say that. Howard said he may have said he didn't have a problem with him but Howard had a problem with him. Brent said he did have a problem with him though. He said he had a problem with Robin too.
Howard said he has to get out before he sounds like that. Brent was cracking up. Howard said he has to keep his timbre. Howard said JD learned how to speak English from Imus. He had Fred do an impression of JD.
Howard said he didn't know that you had to base radio success on how many Marconi awards you won. He had a clip of Imus talking about how no one has won more than him other than one person. Howard said he thinks he's on his way out. He said he doesn't want to see him die. He said he's enjoying seeing this third stage of decay.
Howard said Imus was getting emotional. He said he was talking about how he likes to share things with the audience. Howard said he's 77 but he sounds older. Brent said he sounds older than George Takei who is older than him. Howard said he did a lot of drinking and drugs. He did coke and stuff. Howard said he smoked too. He said maybe he's actually 177 years old.
Gary said he sat with Imus once when he did a commercial for how he quit smoking but he was smoking when he did it.
Howard played a clip of Imus talking about his audience and how he would think about how he was talking to one person and how he will miss that part of it. Imus said he doesn't want to get emotional but if he hears a new song or a new book... He sounded like he was starting to cry.
Howard asked what's going on with his speech. He was having trouble speaking over his teeth. He had trouble breathing too.
Howard was doing his Imus impression and talking about how he farted out his liver. Brent said he sounds like he's on life support. Howard said this is so depressing. He said if he loses his timbre he's out. He said he can't do this without it.
Howard was goofing on Imus talking about keeping his dick in a jar and things like that. Howard said he had to wrap this up because he was being cremated that afternoon.
Howard played another clip of Imus talking about his brother dying or when John Lennon was shot. He was talking about how he'll miss telling people things like that. Fred did his impression of Imus talking about stuff that happened a really long time ago.
Howard played more of the Imus interview where he was talking about what he'll miss. He remembered when he told people about that. He said it's someone to talk to other than his wife. Imus said he'll miss that a little bit.
Howard said the guy is a mess. He did more of his impression of him and talking about how he's not sure what he's actually saying. He said that he's just filling in what he thinks he's talking about.
Howard said he has Imus on the phone. He had Sour Shoes doing his Imus impression. He had him talk up a record for them. Sour Imus talked up a record and mumbled his way through it. Howard kept Sour on for a minute and then let him go. He said he was speaking too clearly. Howard said Imus looks like the guy whose face melts off in Indiana Jones.
Howard said he has to get out of there after this contract is up. He said he has 3 more years left and Robin has to drag him out of there.
Howard said Larry King still sounds good at his age. He did an impression of Larry with some effects on his voice. Howard had a conversation with Larry about how he kept his timbre. Larry said he's 84 and sounds like he's 25. Howard said that's what Larry should write about. He said he should talk about how he kept his timbre.
Howard had Larry taking about how he eats aborted fetuses to keep his timbre. He also said his suspenders also keep his timbre up there. He said they hold in every organ and everything else. Howard said that's fucking crazy.
Howard said that's weird with Imus doing that. He said he brought up John Lennon and his brother dying. Brent said that's what he's going to miss. Howard said that is weird. Howard said maybe when he's 77 he'll be talking like that too. Howard said he will talk about how he'll miss the AIDS crisis and the Boston Bombing. He said he's never that lucky. He said if he says something that doesn't make sense they call him out on it.
Howard said there you go. He asked what he can tell you. Robin said Imus is 77 and he has a 19 year old son. Howard said he thought the kid was like 5. He said he lost track of time. He said he's nostalgic. Robin said he's amazing caring about Imus at all. Howard said he does.
Howard took a call from Balls who said he wishes he would consider having him in there. Howard said he would have him on. Balls said he thinks he would be able to humble this fucker. Howard said he's not going to get him in there to beat him up. He said he'd talk to him about his life. He said he's not sure it would make sense to have him in there now. He said he's an old guy and you hear how he sounds. He said he'd like to know why he wears that hat. Robin said he puts that on every time he's interviewed. She said he has bangs now too.
Howard said he's not going to beat up on the guy if he comes in there. He said he remembers when he would make people wait for the ''BC'' in WNBC. He did his impression of that. Robin said that was him ribbing on Paul Harvey. He said that Imus loved that WNBC thing. He said he'd say ''WN'' and pause. He said that was his thing.
Howard had Fred give him a WNBC song to play so he could do a talk up like Imus. Howard talked about how he was called into meetings at WNBC about how to say it right. He had Fred play that song and had him point at him when to say the ''BC'' in WNBC. He talked it up like Imus.
Howard said he would be so zoned out from the meetings that he'd just do the WNBC thing the wrong way. He said then he'd get a phone call telling him he did it wrong. Howard said thank god they went bankrupt after they left.
Howard said Imus used to throw the BC away. He said that was his thing to do. Robin said Pig Virus would walk in asking if they heard Imus that morning. Howard said he would talk about lame bits that he did.
Brent said he had to deal with Pig Virus at one point. He said he had a conversation with him and it's exactly like Paul Giamatti in Private Parts. He said that's just what he was like.
Howard said Imus used to rip off his headphones after saying WNBC. He said there were a lot of congratulatory looks after that. He said that was a professional.
Howard's microphone cut out so he wasn't on the air. Robin asked if he hit something. Howard said he's not sure. He could be heard through other microphones in the studio. He eventually got back on. Howard said he didn't even touch the button. He said that was weird. He said he should take a break anyway.
Howard said this is High Pitch Erik vs. Speech Impediment Man. He said they call him ''Speech'' to shorten it up. Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Erik about something he's doing. Howard cut that off and played the clip of Erik calling into the Medicated Pete show. He said they're giving shows to anyone who will come on.
Howard said that nothing is working now. He wasn't able to get the clip to play. Fred's microphone was on and made noise so he was upset about that too. He said they have to give Fred some access to that so he can turn it off.
Howard finally got the clip to play and Erik was talking about how he hates Speech and how he talks shit about him on all of these shows. They had Speech on the line and Speech Impediment Man was asking Erik what his problem is. They went on for a short time arguing. Howard said this was on Medicated Pete's show. Brent said you hardly hear him there. Howard had more of Speech Impediment Man telling Erik that he's going to go out with his girl Jolene. Erik said he's going to break his fucking face. Erik eventually said he'll stab Speech. He said he'll stab him in the eyeball. The guys were saying that he's talking about using his fist to stab him in a boxing ring. Erik told him to watch his fucking back because he's going to fucking murder him.
Howard said someone associated with the network had to say something so they gave a speech on how they do not endorse his threats to stab Speech Impediment Man. He said then Erik threatened to stab him again and they were all taken off the air. Howard played the clip and Speech Impediment Man was talking about how Erik is feeble and Erik said he's going to fucking stab him.
Shuli came in and said that they're going to have a boxing match. He said neither of them are in any condition to be in the ring. He said Speech has to be 250 and Erik is still walking with a cane. He said someone is going to die from it. He said they don't even know what they're getting paid to do it.
Howard said they have developed a whole network off the Wack Pack. He said good for them. He said it gives them a place to go. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he's only taken one in 2 hours. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard said he should do the Stormy Daniels stuff. He said the other woman is Karen McDougal. He said she's hot. Robin said that was a while ago that she had that fling. Howard said you can tell she wanted to be the next Mrs. Trump. He said it's weird to hear the details. He said this Karen woman sold her story to the National Enquirer thinking it would be published but they killed the story. Fred said it was never going to be published. Howard said they told her it was going to be but then she says they killed the story. He said she's upset that they killed the story. Howard said she's upset about that so that's why she's out talking about it. Howard said this is called a Catch and Kill where they catch the story and then kill it. Howard said he wishes people would do that for him. He said they just make up stories about him to get a story.
Howard said this woman claims that she's upset about the story being killed. He said he's not sure why a woman would do that. He said he's not blaming the woman in this cheating thing. He said on the other hand she's talking about fucking Trump at his apartment and then she sees Melania pictures and the kid and she's upset. He asked why you'd want to be public about that. He said the whole society is so creepy. He said this whole thing just stinks.
Howard said it seems like calling a porn star a ''porn star'' is like using a racial slur. He said they call themselves ''adult film star.'' He said there are rules apparently. Howard said he's not sure if they really care.
Howard played a clip of Stormy Daniels talking about Trump getting spanked with a magazine that had his picture on it. Howard said she thinks she's so sassy and sophisticated talking about this stuff. He said meanwhile she's fucking the guy 5 minutes later. Howard played more of her talking about spanking Trump. She said he was a completely different person after that spanking. She said they were more comfortable.
Howard said in the first part of the interview she's making fun of him but then she's talking about how the guy has never been with a girl like her. Howard said her tits are the fakest you can have. He said that he's not sure she's even working. He said Robin has tits that are proportional to her body. Robin said Stormy's enter the room before she does. Howard said they do.
Howard said this is a pretty funny interview. Robin said it's almost like a Saturday Night Live parody. Howard said she's got his pants off and spanking him with the magazine after asking if it works for him to have that magazine to show to women.
Howard said Stormy talks about how Trump tells her he can get her on Celebrity Apprentice. Howard said he's working it apparently. Robin said that it sounds like a bunch of stupid people in the room. Howard said he was going to get laid no matter what. He said he's not sure that he's even playing with those titties. He said he's not someone who rubs your tits for 15 minutes. He said he checks them out for a few seconds and then he's in you. Robin said maybe he's into those big boobs. Howard said he knows some women like that boob stuff but he's not one of those people. He said he wants to be inside the woman.
Howard said he can't picture trump being into those titties. He said he knows Donald. Robin asked if he knows what he likes on a woman. Howard said he thinks he does.
Howard said JD told him that they were on the Magic Johnson show with Karen McDougal. He didn't remember anything about that but JD said that she did the splits in front of them.
Howard said that Karen McDougal talked to Anderson Cooper as well. He said Anderson is the go to guy for this kind of stuff. He said that Wolf Blitzer might be too intense for this kind of thing.
Howard said this is Karen McDougal talking about how Trump tried to pay her after sex. She said she had never been offered money like that. Howard said he's finding these interviews very boring. He said they're all so polite. He said he'd ask questions about where he came and what his penis looked like. He said they're talking about sex here. Howard had an example of what he would like to hear. He had a clip of this adult film star talking about getting her face smashed and getting pee in her mouth and things like that.
Howard said that's what he wants to hear. Robin said they should be coming to them. She said they're ready for this. Howard said he has put in 20 years at least of interviewing porn stars. He asked where his Marconi award is. Howard said that was actually Abella Danger in that interview clip.
Robin said Stormy was saying that Trump was comparing her to his daughter Ivanka. Howard said he has Ivanka there actually. He said watch how he does this. He had fake Ivanka come into the studio. Howard said she's absolutely gorgeous like her father says. Fake Ivanka said she's doing tremendously well. Fake Ivanka was talking about working in the White House and things like that. She said she's a 10 so that's why she's in the White House. She said he never mentions Tiffany because she's not as hot. Howard asked what's going on with North Korea. Fake Ivanka had a few things to say about that. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to fake Ivanka before letting her go. Howard said that was a wonderful interview. He said that was an exclusive.
Howard said he has to get back to this stuff. He said he finds it hard to believe that Donald didn't wear a condom. Howard had a clip of Stormy talking about that and then Karen. They both said he didn't wear a condom. Howard said he finds that hard to believe.
Howard played another clip where Stormy talks about going to the ''restroom'' in Donald's place. Howard said he loves how they use that word instead of saying bathroom. He said that's a porn star. He said they're on 60 Minutes so they must feel they have to speak like that. He played more of her talking about Trump sitting on the bed ''perched'' and she realized what she had gotten herself into after that.
Howard said she could have left. He said she didn't get herself into something. Howard said he's surprised Trump wanted to fuck her after she went to the bathroom. Stormy said she wasn't attracted to him but it was consensual. Howard asked why she would do that if she didn't want to do it. Robin said she's a porn star.
Howard said that maybe she felt she owed him some sex. He asked what's going on in the world. He said if you have to pay someone to shut the fuck up after having sex then maybe don't have sex with them. He said many women have paid him to shut up but he understands that.
Howard said they could have a lot more fun with the clips. He said that it's not the best idea to bring up your kids or wife when you talk to someone you want to fuck. He played a clip of Stormy talking about how he compared her to his daughter. Howard said don't bring up the kids. Karen McDougal said the same thing about him comparing her to his daughter. She said she did hear a lot about her. Robin said get Ivanka back in there. Howard said she was good and very honest.
Howard said the big picture is that no one cares about the details of the sex but they want to know about the payoffs and if that came out of the campaign funds.
Howard said no one was asking about the size of his penis or anything like that. He said that's what he'd be asking about. Howard said he'd ask if he makes a weird noise when he cums. He did a Cousin Brucie impression for the sound he makes. Howard said he wants those gals in there. Robin said Howard turned down Stormy. Howard said he did. He said he's old fashioned. He said if he was intervening her he'd ask her everything.
Howard said he can't imagine bringing up his daughter. Gary said they were told they couldn't talk about Trump when they were offered Stormy. Howard said that would have been fascinating. He said he's going to pass on that interview.
Howard said he found it fascinating that Stormy only had sex with Trump once. He said that she said they watched Shark Week after that. He had a clip of her talking about how she went to meet with him and she had to sit and watch a show about sharks with him.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he wants to know what his wife thinks about all of this. He said that's one thing he admires about him. Howard said he does too. He said he wonders how she's still there. Robin said she knows how she's still there.
Howard said Ronnie is a big Trump defender in all of this. He said he understands it. Ronnie came in and said he heard this and he doesn't get how he made her watch Shark Week. He said he's not holding her at gun point. He said there's a lot of shit going down there. Howard said he thinks he has a point but he's not sure what it is. Ronnie said she's doing a lot of hype. Howard said they were hyping it a lot. He said they built up so much expectation. Howard said they just fucked. Ronnie said it was years ago too.
Howard asked if Ronnie would have sex with a porn star without a condom. Ronnie said it depends on who it is. Ronnie said he thinks that Trump probably came inside that Stormy Daniels. He said he doesn't care. Howard asked what happens if he gets her pregnant. Ronnie said she was probably on the pill. Howard asked where he would finish with her. Ronnie said inside her. He said if she was on birth control he wouldn't worry about it. He said he'd pull out of she wasn't. Fred said that might dribble down inside her cunt. He did that in his Ronnie voice.
Howard asked King what he wanted to say. King said he's talking about Trump and when he comes home does he tell his wife to shut up or what. Howard said they don't know what's going on there. Ronnie said maybe that's the agreement they have. He said she said they sleep in different bedrooms. Howard said maybe Ronnie knows about this shit.
Howard said King had a good point but he's distracting them. He hung up on King and asked Ronnie more about the Stormy thing. Ronnie said maybe they have an agreement. He said Melania may not give a shit. Howard said she says that with that Russian accent she has. Robin said she's got a Slovenian accent.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie is so far out in left field. He said that women set guys up to get pregnant. He said that they can lie about being on birth control. Howard said he has to worry about herpes and all of that. Ronnie said that this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard let the two of them go at each other back and forth with each other for a minute.
Howard said he thinks that Trump had sex without a condom but he pulled out. Robin said she thinks that they talked to Trump about impregnating Marla Maples and she asked him about that. She said she asked if she used birth control and he said ''that's what I was told.'' Robin said he also claims that he used a condom but now she's questioning that now that these two are saying he didn't use a condom.
Howard said that he had something to say about Ronnie getting fucked in the ass. He said he'll do that some other time. Ronnie said he can do that when he does a sex toy review. He said it's a vibrating thing that he'll do soon.
Howard said if he was doing the interview he has a lot of questions. He said he would ask if Trump came inside her. Ronnie said he should have asked that. Howard said Ronnie would tell her she's a good girl. Howard said he's heard that he porn girls are very provincial when they have sex with regular guys. Ronnie said he'd like to know if they get the same feeling from normal sized guys. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Ronnie talking about that stuff.
Howard said Ronnie thinks that Trump came inside her and didn't pull out. Ronnie said that's what he's thinking. He said even if you do pull out you can still have that first shot. He said there's always the dribble. Howard said he has to get out of this conversation.
Howard was going to wrap up but the caller had a question for Ronnie. Howard said that Ronnie likes to rub his dick on a woman's nipple until he cums. Ronnie said he loves that. He said that you have to learn what to do when a girl is on her period. He said you have all kinds of foreplay to work into that. He said you make out and stuff like that. He said they're on their sides and you touch her nipples with your cock and do that until you cum. He said it's fun. He said he rubs her vagina sometimes too.
Howard asked if he's embarrassed by that. Ronnie said of course not. Howard said he's not sure he could cum if he did that for an hour on Robin. Robin said she'd get pissed if he did. Howard said it's so embarrassing to do that to a woman. Ronnie asked why. Howard said it's just weird. He said if he told Robin he was going to do that she'd wonder what kind of idiot he was. Ronnie said it's not weird. He said it's part of life. He said you have to think up different things. He said you have to keep it going.
The caller asked if Ronnie has hemorrhoids. Ronnie said he used to when he drove a truck. He said not now. Howard said that's enough of that. Robin said call him off the air. Howard said direct message him instead. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said poor Beth. He said his snoring is out of control. He said she's not able to sleep. He said he told her to go into another room. He said he was never a snorer. He said he never had a problem with it in the past. He said he used to sleep quietly. He said Beth has started recording his snoring with her phone. He said they say if you hear your snoring then you won't snore anymore. He said that's just not true.
Howard said he doesn't keep his phone near him anymore. He said that he only checks it a couple of times a day. He said soon it'll take days for him to get back to people. Robin said it's okay to check it once in a while. Howard said Beth is on her phone all the time. He said she's rescuing cats while they walk. He said she could wait 10 minutes for that. He said they take a nice stroll as a couple and he likes to talk while he walks.
Howard said this is his latest snoring. He said he has a capper at the end. He said he sounds like a pig. Howard played the clip of his snoring and he was annoyed by it. He asked who could sleep next to him. He said just wait for the end. He asked if they can believe that's him. Howard let out a pig sound at the end. Howard said poor Beth. He said she's an angel.
Robin asked if it would help her to have ear plugs. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said you get into the rhythm of it. He said Beth can sleep through anything but not the snoring. He said she can sleep through a movie. He said he feels bad for her. Robin said there are operations they can do for that. Howard said he's not doing that. He said he's not going to listen to anyone who writes to him about sleep apnea or anything either. He said he's not going to do that.
Howard played a bit the guys put together about his snoring like it was a monster movie called The Schnoz.'' Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard asked why he's doing that. Fred said he doesn't know. He said he enjoys doing it. Howard said he has so many things to do around there. Fred said he can't explain it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said they should play a game with Fred's music. Howard said he doesn't want to encourage that. He said he does enough. Howard thanked her for the call.
Howard said that Steven Tyler is 70 years old today. He wished him a happy birthday. He said that the first Aerosmith album came out in the 70s. Gary said it was 1973. Howard said he can still sing his ass off.
Robin started off with a story about Frank Avruch dying. She said he played Bozo the clown. Howard said not there New York. Robin said he was Bozo and he showed up at major events having to do with children. Robin said he was up in Boston. Howard said that's not his Bozo. Robin gave more details about Bozo and how he started out in 1949. Howard said he didn't like clowns. He liked guys who dressed regular. He said he didn't like Clarabel from Howdy Doody either. They spent a few minutes talking about Bozo.
Robin read a story about Charles P. Lazarus dying. Howard asked who that is. Robin said he was a World War II veteran who founded Toys R Us. Howard said they're kind of struggling. Robin said they are thinking of going out of business. Robin said Charles came up with the idea of a toy supermarket. Howard did a live commercial read and took another break.
After the break, around 10:40am, Howard came back while Fred was playing Chris Cornell's acoustic version of ''Black Hole Sun.'' Howard said he was great. He sang along with the song for a short time. He did another live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Tan Mom who said she was on hold on her 50th birthday for Bozo the clown. She said she's looking into the pillow and she's listening to all of these commercials. Howard said she wastes a lot of time talking about the stuff that's wasting her time. Tan Mom said she was hoping they'd wish her a happy birthday. Howard sang Happy Birthday to her. Tan Mom is 50 today. Howard said she looks 20. Tan Mom said she got ID'd the other day. Howard said he's sure she did right before they arrested her. Howard said she looks great and everyone is celebrating her birthday. He played her a birthday song parody. Howard let her go a short time later. Tan Mom said she'll be back on soon when they do another makeover.
Robin said she got some info about some brackets they did for some Wack Packers. Howard said it's a tough discussion to have for fans. He said that Hank never had a bad appearance. He said Beetlejuice and Eric the Actor never did either. He said they were all great.
Howard said he has people ask who the best actor is and they argue with him if he says who he thinks is the best. Howard said he had someone come up to him asking who the greatest actor ever was. He said that he picked a guy who is a theater actor and a film actor. He said many of the theater actors can't go to film. He said that some film actors can't do theater. He said this actor who is the greatest ever does musicals on Broadway and then goes into an action film. Robin said she knows who he's going to name. Howard said he's Wolverine. Howard said it's Hugh Jackman. Robin said she won't think about this. Howard said he can be the host of the Tony's too. He said he can sing and he can be in a movie. He said that this person asked about Marlon Brando or Pacino. He said they're good but not the best. Howard said the best all around actor is Hugh Jackman. Robin laughed. Howard said he saw Hugh Jackman sing at Joan Rivers' funeral and he did great. Howard said he can do hit movies too. Robin said that doesn't mean they're great acting. Howard said he loves Robin. He said she has no point though. Robin said she will tell him if he's going to make it an all around thing who the best is. Robin said the answer is Alec Baldwin. Howard said Alec is fantastic but he can't sign like Hugh Jackman. Robin said he can act like he can sing. Howard asked her to move on.
Robin asked about how much exercise you have to do per day. Howard said a half hour or so. Robin said they say that 20 minutes or less leads to a shortened life span. Howard said that Jack LaLane still ended up dead. Howard said he might give it up all together. He asked if he's going to lose a year or 5 years. Robin read more details and said that you can live years longer. Howard said his staff doesn't exercise. He said they all look like they're going to die. Howard said he would love to stage his own death to see how his staff survives. He said he'll tell Robin but no one else. He said Gary will be homeless within 6 weeks. Robin asked what Mary will do. Howard said she'll get rid of him and marry someone else. He said it's going to be wild. He had a song parody about that day when he retires. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about an astronomer who says we are likely to find life on other planets in the next century. Howard said he guarantees there is no life out there. He said just look at the planets around us. Robin said we've only been looking a short time in a vast area according to experts. Robin said that it's like pulling out a glass of water from the ocean. She said you're not going to find anything in that glass. Howard said he hopes we never find anything. He said they'll come here and eat us. He said even Stephen Hawking warned people against it.
Robin read a story about an Uber self driving car killing someone recently. Robin said that some guy says that his self driving car wouldn't have done this. Robin said this SUV killed a woman riding her bike across the street. Robin said that her GPS was showing her driving in the water when she was on a new bridge. She said that she was laughing at the GPS. Howard said if aliens can find us and get here then they are superior. He said that women are going to want to fuck them. He said they'll probably look like the fish monster from ''The Shape of Water.'' He said George Takei wants to fuck an alien. He had Sour Shoes doing his George Takei impression talking about that. Howard spent a short time talking to him about that.
Robin read a story about the weekend of students, teachers and parents marching for the March of our Lives rally. Robin said she didn't read about Howard being there. Howard said he knows a lot of people who did march. Robin said she does too. She said she was amazed. Howard asked if it counts that he went out to lunch. Robin said no it doesn't. Howard said Jason marched. He said he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. Howard asked what he weighs now. Jason said he's 300 pounds. He said he walked about a half mile and he was out of breath. Howard said Jason and High Pitch weigh about the same now. Jason said it's close. Robin asked if he was the last one to show up.
Robin said someone who was at one of the marches said that one of the kids was so nervous that she vomited. Howard said that shows you're committed. Robin said she just vomited on the side of the stage and continued her speech. Howard said he admires those kids. He said he couldn't even get up in front of his class and speak at that age. Howard said he may do that when he gives his induction speech for Bon Jovi.
Robin had some audio of some demonstrators in London. Howard played some of that and said that in his speech Bon Jovi will come out and slip on his vomit and that will make the audience vomit.
Robin read a story about some kids being at the Kid's Choice Awards while the march was going on so they were giving their support there. Robin had some audio of some kids giving their support at the awards show. Robin wasn't sure who some of the people were so JD filled them in. That led to Howard and Fred goofing on JD for a short time about his mumbling. Robin said Millie Bobby Brown had a shirt with all 17 of the victims of the Parkland school shooting. That led to Howard doing his agent character for a short time. Howard said that sounded ad-libbed. JD said she had a card. Howard said she read it very well. He said maybe she's the greatest actress of all time. Howard said she's not Wolverine though.
Robin read a story about Rick Santorum commenting on the kids marching and said maybe they should be taking CPR classes instead of marching. Howard asked what his problem is. Robin said he's anti-abortion and really Christian. She said that kids want to be safe but he says ''do something for yourself'' like learn CPR.
Robin read a story about how people were asking Trump where he's going to spend Easter. Howard said he'd assume Mar-A-Lago. Robin said that's right. She said that flight restrictions will be in effect around Palm Beach this weekend because of that. Robin said they say that Melania is staying away from Washington DC because of the Stormy Daniels stuff. Howard said Trump should have made light of it all and just said he's going to watch shark week and fuck some whores.
Robin said that American Idol is on and she has no idea what's happening. Howard asked how she can justify not watching the show. Robin had some audio of someone singing on the show. Howard did an impression of that.
Robin read a story about Ringo Starr being recently knighted and he's doing a U.S. tour. Robin gave some details about the tour. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how fun it's going to be today. Robin said she's been watching the guys standing around every morning and she sees Gary on stage in there. She said he's pontificating about something. Howard said they have a pre-show meeting and have a prayer circle. He said they actually all stand around his console and the guys pile around and remind him of things they want to get to on the air. He said Gary filibusters and doesn't let people talk. He said he does talk a lot but he has a lot of good stuff to say.
Howard said they were talking about the Wack Packers and they were talking about how some Wack Packers just ask for stuff. He said they were talking about Tan Mom and they have stuff that Shuli recorded. He said she's been going through financial problems and she said that on the air. He said they get calls from Wack Packers back in the office all the time. He said Gary would split up the Wack Pack and Jason got Nicole Bass. He said she would call day and night about her life and how things were going horribly. He said she would ask for plugs and stuff like that and ask for stuff. He said it becomes very draining. He said he does want them to talk to them so they might have something on the air.
Howard said that they assign Wack Pack to the staff. He said Jeff the vomit Guy calls constantly. He said one of the guys gets him. Gary said it's Shuli. Howard said Tan Mom is mad at him because he does stuff for all the Wack Packers but her. He said Shuli questions her about it but she doesn't know what he should be doing for her.
Howard said this whole thing came down and they were wondering who the least aggravating one was. He said he thought Eric the Actor didn't ask for stuff. Gary reminded him that he asked for stuff all the time. Gary said that Eric once called in asking for tickets to something in his area and when he didn't get it on time he called yelling at him about it.
Howard said he thought Elephant Boy was one of those guys who didn't ask for stuff. Gary said he doesn't until he's up there. He said then he's asking if they have stuff available. Howard said someone said that the least aggravating Wack Packer is Mariann from Brooklyn. He said he told the guys that she's not a Wack Packer. Gary said that Evil Dave is another one who asks for stuff. He said they ended up giving him something and now he asks for stuff all the time when he does stuff for them. He said he eats like crazy when they have him record stuff for them.
Howard said they have to have chips for him when he does record. He said he has some clips of him drinking juice when he's in the studio. He had him drinking and clearing his throat. Howard said you have to get him a juice fountain.
Howard said that's the conversation that Robin was missing out on. Robin said Beetlejuice doesn't ask for anything. Howard said he has handlers though. Howard said Bobby is a good guy. Gary said they just ask to come on and plug stuff. He said they're pretty good. Howard said Beetlejuice is a guy who doesn't know to ask for stuff. He said he's like a guy with a lobotomy.
Gary said King of All Blacks asks for stuff like introductions to agents to help him with his radio career. Howard said they all have a pattern for asking for shit constantly. He said Beetlejuice hates recording stuff for them so they have to pay him in singles. He said they sit him down and pay him a dollar and he'll do it. He said there's a whole thing.
Gary said Shuli takes care of Underdog in food. Shuli said they pick her up at Port Authority and they have to get her a milk shake and a burger from a certain location.
Howard said Shuli was talking to Tan Mom and she was going to give him some food but no one wants to take food from her. Howard said he has some audio of Tan Mom talking to Shuli about being kicked out of her house by the IRS. Howard played a clip of Tan Mom going on and on about her situation and how she's going to go back home at some point. She said it's going to cost a fortune. She said they seized everything from her. She said she doesn't deal with any of these things and she was lied to.
Howard said he gets the impression that Tan Mom was left some money and didn't pay for some things. Shuli said that there was something about a settlement she got for an injury she received. He said that now she might be moving to Florida. Howard said that will save her a ton of money on tanning. He said it's kind of weird that she's not down there because it's cheaper down there. Shuli said she calls her husband ''Loser breath.''
Howard said he has no idea what she's even talking about in that clip. Shuli said that it's like spinning a wheel. He said it's all over the place. Howard said she changes subjects all the time too. Shuli did his impression of her changing her thoughts.
Shuli said he gets calls from Tan Mom every day. He said he has voicemail that he doesn't have time to listen to. Howard asked if they are inarticulate. Shuli said they're all over the place in the messages. Shuli said she once called while he was on the road and she asked if she called him or did he call her. He said she was confused and said it was news to her when he said she called him.
Howard asked if he believes that story about her falling down the well. Shuli said there's one instance where she fell down the well and another one about her being at a bar. Howard said you never get clarity around that story. Shuli said that she claims she got punched in the head at a bar. Howard said they've been trying to find more about the well story but they can't find anything. He asked who he is to say anything.
Shuli said there's another story about her being kidnapped and she said her husband was with her but he ran inside for help like an asshole.
Howard said when she starts to explain that story she loses the story. Shuli did an impression of her talking about that and getting off track and talking about other things.
Howard said Tan Mom also told Shuli that she's going to be involved in a makeover show where she's going to get Botox. Howard played that clip and Tan Mom was talking about how she's going to be the top person on this show. She said that guy Damon is going to give her a makeover and she'll be the top person on the show. She said she gave the guy Shuli's number so he can give him clarification on that story.
Howard said he doesn't understand what she's talking about. Shuli said that it's like on Cops when people act like their own lawyer. Shuli did his impression of her explaining something to a cop.
Shuli said the guy Damon does that celebrity boxing thing and he signed her up for that but now they're doing this other show. He said she was asking him what she should ask for to do that show. Shuli said he's no agent so he doesn't know what to tell her.
Howard played a clip of Tan Mom talking to Shuli about doing some stand up comedy. She wrote a skit out for them to do. She said that she wrote about what's going on with her and about the Stern Show and what they've been through for so many years. Howard said he wants to see this sketch. He told Shuli to come in there and do it with her in there. Shuli said that's fine.
Shuli said she asked to hear his skit right then when she was on the phone with him. Shuli said that pissed him off so he did a bit about rape and she went silent but then she let out a laugh and then stopped and said ''Not funny.''
Howard said doing stand up is relating to people. He said she's not going to know about that. Shuli said she went out to a show once and she was let up on stage. He said he heard that they had to pull her of stage. Howard did an impression of her telling jokes about having a metal plate in her head and trying to relate to people. Shuli did his impression of her doing that too.
Howard said imagine she moves out to California to work at the Comedy Store and she becomes huge. He and Shuli were doing their Tan Mom voices talking about that.
Robin asked where Tan Mom is living. Shuli said she said all of their stuff was stolen out of their home. Howard said they just took their stuff. Shuli said she was talking about this giant shit that no one steals was being taken. Howard said he'd go see her doing stand up. Howard said she could do material about her skin peeling like a snake. Howard had her asking how many people feel like a leather chair.
Shuli said he was once talked into doing stand up with Ass Napkin Ed. He said he had to wake him up in the front row because he had fallen asleep. He said his first joke was asking if anyone knows how to clean a spoon. Howard and Shuli did their Ass Napkin Ed impressions for a short time.
Howard said no one says they're going to learn to play piano. He said they say they're going to be a comedian or do a radio show. He said everyone starts their own radio show. Shuli said there are people who have followers and they book a comedy club and they sell out. He said they aren't even comedians though.
Howard said Garry had a brother who died of cystic fibrosis. He said no one in his family talks about it. He said he was close to his brother but they didn't even let him go in and say goodbye to him. He said that the guy never addressed that grief. He said that they show Garry's knack for writing sitcoms. He said he wrote a bunch of shows and it was child's play for him. He said he became bored because it was so easy for him. He said then he got into stand up comedy. Howard said Garry sucked as bad as everyone when he started but his goal was to get on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He said when you look through his diaries he talks about how much he sucked and asked if he was funny and stuff like that. He said he just said he had to keep trying. He said you see the angst and pressure on the guy. He said he just wanted to be funny on stage.
Howard said it's so difficult to make people laugh who are strangers. He said the diaries are filled with doubt and pain. He said he wanted this so badly. Howard said he was overwhelmed with sadness. He said he had a discussion with Jerry Seinfeld off the air about David Brenner. He said he was asking about what happens to that material when he dies. He said Jerry told him about it and he didn't understand. He said that Garry had this material that he wrote and now it's just gone. He said you'll never hear these thoughts. He said music goes on because it gets played. He said this life's work of spoken word in a club doesn't go on. He said he's looking at all of this material and he thinks about how his whole life was dedicated to it. He said at one point Garry is asking if he'll ever make it. He said it's important to see for young people. Robin said that she hates that Howard is implying that Tan Mom isn't going through this.
Howard said that it's such a struggle to do. Robin said she thinks about Scott the Engineer wanting to do it. Howard said that's why he thinks that he's consumed with people's struggles. He said he's only seen the first hour of this special but he can't wait to get home to see more. He said it's done in a creative way and it's very well done. He said this is Judd's best work. He said he recommends this special. He said that it's interesting from a human point of view. He said the work that goes into this stuff isn't always apparent.
Howard said he's quite honored to induct Bon Jovi into the hall of fame. He said he knows how much work they put into their career. He said that Jon did so much to get into the business and it's a struggle. He said to honor that struggle is great and he's hoping that he can do it right. He said he's been trying to write a speech to honor them and it's ripping his life apart. He said he doesn't feel he's up to the task. He said he's just not good enough. He said the struggle is there.
Howard said he was thinking about Garry and how hard he worked at this career. He said then he's 66 and chilling a bit and then he drops fucking dead. He asked what it all means.
Shuli said he got to work with these big guys in the business after doing it for years. He said they're just as miserable as he is even after all the years of doing it. Howard said you see that in Garry too.
Howard said he's been filled with pressure and angst in his life. He said he feels that he has to learn from this and just get out and enjoy his life. He said it's constant torture. Robin asked if it would be nice to enjoy what he's worked at. Howard said it's never going to happen. He said this shit doesn't get done with him enjoying it. He said it has to be painful. Robin said he only thinks it has to be painful. Robin said she gets how the mind works. She said he decides how it's going to be. Howard said if he didn't go through this shit then it wouldn't have happened. Robin said the talent is undeniable. She said caring doesn't have to hurt. Howard said ask Garry Shandling.
Howard said he recommends this special highly. He said Judd did a great service by honoring Garry in a way that he thinks Garry would be pleased with. Shuli did his impression of Tan Mom talking about the special and how much she enjoyed it.
Howard said this is why he started doing this. He had a clip of Tan Mom talking about cooking. He played the clip and she was talking about cooking ''Broccoli Robbie'' and things like that. She said she had skin peeling off her nose while talking about cooking. Howard said he would not eat a thing she touched. Robin said she would watch that show.
Shuli said he spoke to a guy who dated her oldest daughter and he said she is a great cook. Howard said she's a great chef.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer did stand up too. He had some audio of him bombing on stage. He had people yelling out at him the whole time he was doing his material.
Howard played more of Scott bombing and getting yelled at by the audience. Howard and Shuli did their impression of Scott a little bit. Shuli said they did a show in Philly once and he followed Nick DiPaolo. He said he ended his segment saying he hopes they all die. Shuli said there was a woman in a wheelchair yelling at him that he sucks and she hopes he fucking dies. He said he bent down and screamed at her that she was a fucking cunt. He said the audience stopped yelling and thought this guy might be funny.
Howard said that he just lost his clip of Scott. He said it just vanished. He said he loves this Garry Shandling worrying about every word of his material and Scott didn't put any thought into it at all. Howard said Scott's struggle is breathing. He did more of his impression of Scott doing his material. They played a song parody that Scott performed about himself and then went to break.
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Howard said he goes on Facebook to see what his old friend is up to. He said he likes Facebook and he's not getting rid of it. Robin said she doesn't even go on it and doesn't care about it.
Howard asked Brent what he should be pissed off about with this Facebook thing. Robin said the thing that pisses her off is people who put her on Facebook without asking.
Brent came in and told Howard about this Cambridge Analytica and how they used all of your information and your friend's information. Howard asked Brent to slow down. He said he's going to question him about this.
Howard said he fills out a survey and then what information they have about you. Brent said they have the information they get from your phone. Brent said some people put their phone information on there. Howard asked what they're going to do with that information. Brent said they take that information and they can figure out how to micro target you to get you not to vote for Hillary or something like that. Howard asked what the crime is. Brent said they got that into the swing markets. He said they targeted people with this information.
Robin said they didn't protect your information with Facebook. Howard said he doesn't care about that. He said he doesn't have any agreement with Facebook. Robin said he does when he signs up for the service. Howard said they can release anything they want to. He said that if Cambridge Analytica wants to know, Gary unfriended him on Facebook. He said he's still seething about that.
Howard said you can release any information they want to. He said he's agreeing to it. He said when he joins social media he knows he's giving away his privacy.
Gary asked Howard if he agrees with them looking at who he calls and how long his calls are. Howard said he doesn't care. Robin said lawyers have said they have to protect people if you build a social network. Howard said don't go on any sites if you don't want your information out there. He said that Ted Kazinsky went and lived in a cabin in the woods. He said if you want to do that then go ahead.
Howard said this Cambridge Analytica can target him all they want. He said that he doesn't care if they know he calls Dr. Lou. Robin said that this has been the problem since the beginning. Robin said they can use that information. Howard said don't go on Facebook if you're uptight. He said he doesn't like Alexa so he doesn't use it. He said that he gave the one Robin gave him to someone. Howard said he told Robin that he won't use it. He said he doesn't want to talk to Alexa in his house. He said he doesn't know if there's a camera in there. He said he's not going to do it.
Howard said Robin wrote him a note and gave him an Alexa. He said that he gave it to one of his kids. He said he doesn't care about his phone but he cares about Alexa. He said he needs to have a life so he doesn't worry about the phone.
Robin said she thinks that people want a new agency to regulate all of this stuff. Howard said what he does is puts a wash cloth over his camera when he jerks off. He said it's embarrassing. He said he doesn't want anyone seeing that. Howard said he covers up the camera. He said you can see through tissues so he uses a wash cloth. Howard said he has to take a break. He thanked Brent for the explanation.
Robin said when she goes on Facebook she sees ads targeted at her like they know what she's doing elsewhere.
Howard said Roseanne is going to be in soon. He said she's returning to ABC. He did a live commercial read for the ''Roseanne.'' Howard took a call from fake Alexa during that commercial read. It didn't work out so well. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman who said it's an honor to talk to him. She said she wasn't allowed to watch TV shows but she used to sneak E! and she loves them all so much. Howard thanked her for that. She said she would fuck Memet and she fantasizes about fucking Howard too. The caller said she was dreaming about fucking Howard in the bathroom and they were hiding from Beth. Howard said he's going to have her sign an NDA so no one will find out. She said his bathroom was beautiful too. She said it was crystal clear. Howard said that's not his bathroom. He said his is dark and dingy.
Howard asked what she was calling about. The caller said she gained 100 pounds in a year when she got fibroid (thyroid?) cancer. Howard said you'd think he would have fucked her at least once. Howard said he would do that even though he's narcissistic. He said that he would take one for the team and fuck her. He said that's the humanity team.
The caller said that she would suck him off and as soon as they started fucking he'd shrivel. She said they had been together 12 years and she asked if he was with any other women. She said she has never thought about that with other men. Howard said doggy style is a good way to get into it. He said you can find a spot on the body that you're attracted to. The caller, Sarah, said that she tried to do anal too.
Howard asked how she knows she sucks a dick like a champ. Sarah said she can do it because she can swallow the whole thing without gagging. Howard said that doesn't mean you suck a good dick. Sarah said it does. She said she can suck the balls too.
Howard asked Sarah if she blows a guy and gets the dick and balls in there. She said she can't get both in there but she will suck the balls and then work on the shaft. Howard said most people don't do a great job with it. He said one or two people got him off that way. He said maybe more than one or two. He said maybe 7. He said Fred is amazing.
Howard asked if Sarah tongues the asshole too. She said she does. Howard said she is a good girl as Ronnie would say. She said she puts a finger in the butt too. Howard asked Sarah more about putting the balls in her mouth. She said she goes down and licks and strokes and goes down to the asshole. She said she's sucking his dick and going around the balls. Robin said she was being treated for cancer while this was going on. Howard said maybe that's how she got cancer.
Howard said he has never had that tongue thing done to his asshole. Sarah said it has to be after a shower. She said you have to be so clean. Howard asked if the guy is on his back. She said she prefers he's on his side. She said that way she has access to his balls, shaft and asshole. She said she'll stick her tongue up there as far as it can go. She said she really gets in there.
Howard asked if she has ever hit doody. She said she hasn't. Howard asked what asshole tastes like. She said it's like salty pineapple. Howard said he doesn't care what she looks like. He said the idea of her licking his balls and ass is hot. He said she's fabulous.
Sarah said that she was asking if her husband was doing other women. She said he was only watching too much porn. She said that she loves porn too but he's watching too much. She said it broke her heart. Howard said he loves his honesty. He's watching too much porn and he's not attracted other body. He said that does hurt though.
Robin asked if Sarah told him how much it hurt. Sarah said she did. Howard asked where this is going. Sarah said she's wondering if he has a side piece. She said she's down to 131 pounds now. She said she lost 123 pounds. Howard said congratulations on that. He said that maybe this guy was honest and he wasn't into her anymore. Howard said she should go find a man. Sarah said he's right.
Sarah said that she gets that you can love yourself in your own skin but when you can't bend over to paint your toenails it sucks. She said there's no way you can be overweight and be happy. Howard said those people are saying they know they're fat and they're dealing with it in their own way. He said when Sarah was fat it sucked but she didn't want people beating the shit out of her over it. Howard said life isn't that complex.
Howard said he doesn't have any advice for her. He said way to go with that asshole licking stuff. Sarah told Howard he's her hall pass so watch out Beth. She said she's been told she looks like a young Meryl Streep. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that. Howard said good for you. Sarah asked if she can play a game. Howard said he has to take a break and get to Roseanne. He said he doesn't have time for that. Howard let her go a short time later. He said that he had to let her go like her boyfriend. He said that's love to tongue an asshole. He said he wishes he could have that kind of love. He said that's real live right there. Robin said she said she would stick her tongue up as far as she could go. Howard said he can't imagine. He would think the woman is mentally ill if someone did that to him. He said sex is disgusting.
Howard said he went out with a girl who tried to put her pinkie in his asshole and he never saw her again after that. He said he didn't know what was going on there. He said he won't go up there with his tongue. He said he's not sure what kind of disease he's going to get from that. Robin said that was some description from that caller.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes whose phone cut out. Howard said technology is kicking him in the ass today. Sour was back so he did his George Takei impression talking about how he's better than Sarah at oral. George was talking about what he does to Brad. Howard let Sour go a short time later. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said he ran for governor and he was doing well in the polls. He said he wasn't ready to open up his books. He said he wasn't going to share with everyone what he was earning. Howard said he was told you can't just say F-you when they ask for your tax returns. He said he didn't know that he could do what Trump did. He said he should have done that.
Howard said everyone thinks they can be in politics. He said he has a package piece about that. He said that it's kind of like radio. He said everyone has a show.
Howard said this guy Chris Tague is running for state assembly and he can't answer a question about what he would cut in the New York state budget. Howard played a clip of the guy not answering a question about what he would cut.
Howard said he likes this guy. He said that's where you pretend you have a bad connection. Howard said when he ran for governor he just ran on three things. He said he was in no position to be governor. He said he was going to resign after getting these three things done. He said no one had ever heard that before. Howard said if he was that guy on the phone he would have said he didn't know what he would cut. He said that guy was really bad. He should not be running.
Howard said he was saying that everyone thinks they can be a politician. He said this Stacey Dash thinks she can be a politician. He said she's the same way. She doesn't have answers. Howard played a clip of Stacey saying that Obamacare should be cut but she has no idea what to replace it with. She said there will be a solution. Howard said she should have said that her solution is that everyone dies.
Howard said in the old days people would prepare for an interview. Robin said they just announce they're running. Howard said they asked Stacey about Trump and Charlottesville and if she agrees there are good people on both sides. He said this is a weird answer. Howard played the clip and Stacey was saying she isn't there to judge. She said the only one who can judge is God.
Howard said everyone is running now. He said even this guy Arthur Jones who thinks the holocaust was an extortion racket is running. He had a clip of this guy Arthur Jones talking about how it was a blackmail extortion racket. Howard said he's the republican nominee in this election. Howard said he has a problem with the interviewer who won't let the guy talk.
Howard played more of the clip and Jones was talking about how the Jews control the media and it's all a scam. Howard said this is a big mess. Howard said that's what's going on politically. He said he has to take another break and get to Roseanne. He said that John Goodman may show up too.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she can't wait for that. She said she's going to sit by her radio and not move. Howard let her go and did a live commercial read.
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Howard came back and said he's waiting for Roseanne and John Goodman to get there. He said there's a lot of traffic out there today in the city.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw the picture of Sarah Sanders that Jim Carrey painted. Howard said he did. The caller asked for him to critique it. Howard said he's not that good and he doesn't know enough about it. He said it looked really good to him but he doesn't know. He said he doesn't critique art like that. He said he keeps his mouth shut. The caller said it's funny that he came out with one and then another and another.
Howard said he had an interior designer send over a picture of a painting for their house. He said that he saw it and he thought it looked like a 3 year old's painting. He said he's not a fan of that kind of painting. He said judging painting is personal. He said that it's almost impossible to critique. He said he likes this Andrew Wyeth or Fredrich and others. He said he's not going to critique Jim Carrey. He said he can paint.
Howard told the caller to leave him alone with that. Robin asked if he only likes people who are dead. Howard said no. He said there are lots of living painters that he likes.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he plans on getting JD for a wedding present. Howard said he's not getting him anything. He said he's not invited. He said he's sure he'll have a registry. He said he'll get him a plate or something. Howard said they might need sheets or a bed. He said he got him a gift, it's called a job. He said that he will get him something. He said he likes JD and it's a miracle that he's getting married. He said there's a reason to believe in Jesus. He said if you would have told him that JD was getting a girl and she's in love with him he would have said you're nuts. He said that the parents met him and liked him enough to not tell their daughter to run for the hills.
Howard said JD didn't lose his virginity until he was 25 years old. He said he thinks they had something to do with that. He said this guy has carved out some kind of life. He said he's almost feral. He said he has a woman who appears to love him.
The caller asked if Beth gets mad at him for talking about jerking off all the time. Howard said she's a realist and she knows. He said she gets a break from him too when he does that.
Howard said he and Beth had a nice honeymoon weekend. He said that he said he was all changed up. He said he was in a hot tub with Beth and he got a boner. He said he had to wait until after dinner. He said he told her he needed it now but she said he had to wait. Howard said they were in a hot tub and she did give it to him a couple of times over vacation. He said he was happy. He said they did it once in the morning. He said she even asked him how he knows if it's a hard on or morning wood. Howard said if she was a man she would know. Howard said you just know.
Robin said that Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers wore a sock on his during a concert and you could see what those things do when you move around.
Howard said there is a difference between a hard on and morning wood. Howard said it keeps you from pissing all over the bed. He said that's what it does. He said he wakes up with a boner. He said he goes to the bathroom and pees and it gets rid of that. He said you can wake up with a real boner in the morning that's not morning wood. He said it's difficult to have sex with morning wood.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was in Palm Beach last week and he saw him and his wife out at dinner. He said he is a fan but he didn't go up to him. Howard said that's good. He said especially when he's eating. He said he's not shaking someone's hand when he's out to eat. He said he appreciates his fans and he won't shake someone's hand. Howard said it's not necessary to come up to him. Howard thanked the caller for not doing that.
Howard said you meet him in person and it's a huge disappointment. He said he's not fun to be around. He said he's one miserable fuck when he walks out of there. He said he tries to get to the bottom of his misery but he can't do it.
Robin said she can't believe he gave way the Alexa she got for him. Howard said he can. He didn't want it.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he wanted to say something about Roseanne. He said that his favorite moment was when she sang the National Anthem. Howard said Jeff brings up a good point. He said in reviewing her career he thinks about that moment. He said they asked her to sing the National Anthem and she's not a singer. He said of course she got up and couldn't really keep a tune. He said it was a joyous moment. He said she sang her heart out. Jeff mumbled something about that. Howard said he has no idea what he just said. He had Fred do his Jeff impression. Jeff said he doesn't sound that fucking bad. Howard said no one understood him. Jeff said she scratched her pussy and spit. Howard said that's what baseball players do. Jeff said he knows that.
Howard said they gave her shit for that but in retrospect the people who gave her shit look ridiculous. Robin said that Fergie's version wasn't good. Howard said he liked it. Robin said Wendy Williams said she shouldn't sing without Autotune. Howard said she can sing. Robin said she can not.
Howard asked whose idea this was. He said he heard it from Whitney Cummings and he thought it was a great idea. He said she was saying they were going to do it to the max and talk about poverty and Trump and all of that. Howard said it seemed like the timing was right. Howard asked who pushed for it. Roseanne said it was Sarah Gilbert. She said she got a call from her. She said that John Goodman and Sarah were in a bit they did on The Talk and she was playing her character and the network thought it did so great that they should bring it back. Roseanne said she got the call from Sarah and she told her it was a cut bit they did. Roseanne said that she didn't even know what was going on. She said that she watched it on YouTube. Roseanne said Sarah got a lot of press for it and she and John were talking and she asked if he would be down for doing a reunion show. Roseanne said she told him he was in and she said she'd be in too.
Howard said that Roseanne and so many people were on that show and they must have loved doing the show. He said they all came back. Roseanne said that they all said that they had never had so much fun. She said it's the truth too. She said they had a blast doing the show. Howard asked if it's necessary to get the whole cast back. Howard asked if anyone was holding back. Roseanne said that George Clooney didn't want to come on. She said he lives in Italy so that's fine. She said that she still loves him even after he said some silly stuff about her. Howard asked what he said about her. Roseanne said it was a few things.
Howard said Roseanne was number 1 across the board when it was on. He said ABC sent her a chocolate number 1 and George Clooney took it and smashed it with a bat. Roseanne said that the show had gone to number 1 with the third episode. She said that they knew that they had given someone a Rolls Royce for going to number 1. She said that George would write ''Sandy Dunken'' on her name in her dressing room. She said that they could have fired her if they wanted to. She said that George asked her to go out and smash the cake to send a picture to the president of the network. Roseanne said she was so stupid she'd do whatever. She said he did send it and it caused a lot of problems for her. She said that she shouldn't have sent it.
Roseanne said they were on the set drinking once and they were hanging out and George put the Groucho Marx glasses on his private parts and took a picture. That picture was on the refrigerator of the set for the first couple of years. Howard said he couldn't do that with his penis. He said the glasses would fall off. He said he needs to see it. Roseanne said someone stole it off the fridge.
Howard said he thinks it's a ballsy move and a great idea to bring back Roseanne. He said that he thinks about the start of the show. He said she never made Jerry Seinfeld money on the show. Howard said Roseanne started out on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He said big things happen when you did well on that show. He said Roseanne got contacted by Bill Cosby's production company and they asked her to make a sitcom based on her life. Howard asked if she told Johnny about how amazing that was for her. Roseanne said she did. She said Julio Iglesias was on the show that night as well. She said that he asked her to open for him on tour. She said she did that 18 city tour with him and it was a blast.
Howard asked how long she worked on her act before getting on the Tonight Show. Roseanne said she did it for 4 years. She said she was doing it at clubs and Louie Anderson and Sam Kinison both saw her and helped her get in at the Comedy Store. She said that Mitzy Shore was tough on her. She said that she was tough on everyone. She said she was her comedy Mom. She said she loves her. Howard asked why. Roseanne said she was their mom and she straightened them all up. Howard asked how she was tough on them. Roseanne said she would tell you the truth and if it was going to play in Kansas and things like that.
Roseanne said she went up and auditioned for Mitzy and she put her right in the big room. She said that night George Slaughter saw her and he was making a movie about funny women and she put her on the show. Roseanne said while she was in rehearsal for that show he called the guy who books the Tonight Show. She said she got booked on the Tonight Show that same night. Roseanne said that he came up to her and gave her this card that said Jim McCullough and he was from the Tonight Show. They wanted her for that Friday night. Then she got the Julio Iglesias tour and the TV show offer. She said it was amazing.
Roseanne said that she went up and sat with Johnny on the second time she was on. She said she wasn't sure what to do up there. She said she ran out of clean jokes.
Howard said the way the Roseanne show started was when she got the call from Carsey Werner. They had produced the Cosby Show and others. Howard said once they call you then you can't miss. Howard said they're in control and she has control over it. Roseanne said her agents were in control of the money. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld learned from her and got a lot of money from his show. Howard said she's not screaming poverty but she didn't get Seinfeld money. Roseanne said she doesn't think about that. She said she'd go crazy if she thought about the money.
Robin asked if she gets paid for reruns. Roseanne said she gets that and social security so she's all set.
Howard said that she was so into the show that she wanted to make it good. Howard said that they had a writer on the show and they had written ''Created by'' this guy and that upset Roseanne. Roseanne said she thought it was going to say it was created by Matt Williams and Roseanne Barr. She said she wanted to quit right there. She said it bothered her for a long time.
Howard said she poured her soul into the act. Roseanne said that she thought about the Soul singers who weren't able to sing their own songs anymore. She said they were really screwed.
Howard said Roseanne called for this guy to be kicked off the show. Roseanne said they were fighting over things. She said when she got her first script they had made Laurie Metcalf into her and made her likeable like Donna Reed. Roseanne said that there was a show that they put on after her show called Jackie Thomas. She said that they ended up fighting on the show and the fighting was just too much. She said it was gross fighting. She said that they had a guy spit a lunger into the sink and that grossed her out. She said she called her lawyer and said she's not going to stand for that. Howard said that's kind of how she got to be known as hard to work with. Roseanne said she had to do the show. She said she had a breaking point and the lungers in the sink was it for her.
Howard said it's great to see the show is coming back. He said it shows they had fun working on it when the whole cast returns. Roseanne said everyone is really focused on creating a quality product. She said that's why it's so fun. Howard asked if she feels she needs that controversy going on. Roseanne said that comics think they're funny when they're in pain but now she's so protected and she's more funny now. Howard said now she's in a different place too. He said she's got a therapist. Roseanne said she's on a lot of medications too. She said that she's on Cymbalta. Howard asked what that does. Roseanne said it makes her not be depressed. She said she has a lot of neurosis. Howard said she had a lot of stuff in her childhood.
Howard asked Roseanne if she got into therapy and was able to go visit her parents and hang out with them. Roseanne said she did. She said she just went and pulled up to their house. She said that she didn't tell them she was coming. Roseanne said she made her makeup and hair artist pull up to the house. She said it had been 15 years since she had seen her parents. Howard said that must have been heavy. He asked if she had been thinking of doing it. Roseanne said she did think about making peace. She said she didn't have a game plan for it. She said she was just trusting and had faith. She said she just went there in faith and didn't want to confront them or anything.
Roseanne said it was 11:30 at night when she went so she knew they'd be home. She said they're Jews so they were home. Howard said Roseanne grew up Mormon because they could have been ostracized by the community. Roseanne said her mom was afraid because she lost her family in the holocaust. Roseanne said that they would go in the basement and lock themselves in the basement when someone would knock on the door. She said they couldn't help it.
Howard said Roseanne was a little star in the Mormon church. Roseanne said she was raised to be a star. She said she was raised in an apartment house and she would go to the Mormon church and her mom thought she was healed by a Mormon preacher. She said that she had Bell's Palsy after hitting her face on a table. She said she had it for 48 hours. He said it went away on its own. She said that they had the Rabbi pray for her but it didn't cure it so they thought that the Mormon guy did.
Howard said Roseanne is at her parent's house and she knocks on the door. Howard said he didn't know she had done this. Howard asked what happened. Roseanne said her dad walked away but her mom said she did want to see her. Howard asked why the lived in that community. Roseanne said they were merchants and they lived with other merchant families. Howard said it's sad they had to hide their religion.
Roseanne said she walked in and she hugged her mom. She said she asked where her dad was and he was in his room. Roseanne said she wanted to talk to him and she demanded that he come out. Roseanne said she was going to talk to him and she did that. She said it took a while and they eventually talked. Howard asked if he was angry at her for what she said about him in public. Roseanne said they finally talked and that was about the first time they had. She said it was great. She said they all sat and talked some more in the living room. She said she left very happy. Howard said this was the first time they talked about real stuff that she cared about. Roseanne said she was an adult and she wasn't there to scream. She said she wasn't going to blame anyone over anything. She just wanted to talk.
Roseanne said that this all comes down to the new show too. She said those are her real politics. She said if you don't agree with someone you still have to talk. She said they want to put you in jail if you don't say the right shit. Howard said things have gotten vicious and angry. He said if you can get over it and just talk it can cure a lot. Roseanne said it can. Roseanne said she was able to talk to more people after talking to her parents. Howard asked if Tom Arnold is going to show up on the show. Roseanne said his people did call saying he's available. Howard said he's not sure she can do that much talking. Roseanne said she did have him on her roast. She said she doesn't have any grudge against anyone. She said she doesn't even care when other people are talking. She said she doesn't listen. She said she's just over it. Robin asked if she wants to work with Tom every day though. Roseanne said no.
Roseanne said Howard is a great interviewer. She said he's great at snaking out his tentacles. Howard said he loves talking to her because of her honesty. He said he thinks that she's in touch with herself psychologically too. Howard asked if she's still in therapy. Roseanne said no. She said she got cured. Robin asked how that happened. Roseanne laughed.
Howard asked Roseanne about being in a car accident at 16 and she says that her entire personality was changed. Roseanne said she was always a performer but it did change her. She said they would have their dinner and they would make her perform. He said they'd tell her she was better than Shirley Temple. She said she didn't know until later that they were just liars.
Howard asked if Roseanne about her writing process. Roseanne said she would write really dark stuff but it would turn funny. She said she would do dark stuff but she knew it could be funny because her dad liked Lenny Bruce and that's how he was. Howard asked if she killed the first time she performed. Roseanne said she did but then she was awful her second time.
Howard asked if she felt she had to do this for a living. Roseanne said it's an obsession. Howard asked if it was easy to go back to writing a weekly show. Roseanne said she relearned it. She said she got Bruce Helford as her head writer. She said they started writing it 3 months before they started doing it. She said Whitney Cummings is great and they broke it down in a way that would work. She said she learned a lot from them about how to write. She said they have a system. Howard asked if she asked Whitney to do the show. Roseanne said Tom Werner asked her to do it. Roseanne said she can do all of the breakdown stuff and it's amazing to watch her. She said they just break the story. She said it was 3 months of being in the writer's room. She said that's the exciting part of doing the whole thing.
Howard said they say that she was so relaxed on camera the first time she was back and everyone was blown away by that. Roseanne said she knows how to tell a god damn joke. Howard said this is different. He asked how she knew how to do it. Roseanne said that Laurie Metcalf helped her a lot. He said John told her to watch him and listen to him and then react to it. Howard said John Goodman is so terrific. He said she was going to audition a lot of people but he did a reading with her and she loved him right away. Roseanne said he looked the part and he was intelligent and hilarious. She said he was great at adlibbing too. Howard said John had a drinking problem at one point. He said he could really slam it back. He asked if she knew. Roseanne said she did. She said they had some good ones.
Howard said John is there so maybe they should bring him in. Roseanne said yes to that. Howard said he's skinny now. Roseanne said that fucker. John came in and Roseanne said they match. She said something matched his sweater.
Howard asked if John was a good anchor for her on the show when she was fighting the network. Roseanne said she didn't bring it to other people. John said it was nuts. He said he let it in one ear and out the other. He said it was none of his business. John said after the first three weeks he got a call from Laurie Metcalf and how Roseanne might leave. He said he figured they had to back Roseanne. He said he was having so much fun with her too.
Howard said Roseanne is the money and you have to support her. He said that some people forget that. John said she was right and he had to support her. He said he could have done without the money at the time. Howard asked if it's fun being back. John said it is. He said he's very grateful to be there. He said the first run he wasn't grateful but now he is. He said he didn't realize what he had. He said this is an amends for screwing things up so bad. Roseanne said this is their chance to get it right. She said it's so cool. Howard said he's feeling sad right now. He said he feels sad because he's thinking all of those years they did the show there was angst and they had regrets. He said it feels sad to him.
Roseanne said it's like having kids and you have the first one that you just throw away. She said that they wanted to do it right this time.
Howard asked if she fell in love with John on the show. Roseanne said that Roseanne Connor loves her husband and that's the character she's playing. Howard asked if she fell in love with the guy John Goodman. Roseanne said she does have a crush on John. She said that he is a great guy.
Howard said they had that first audition and they hired him right off. Howard asked if Laurie was that easy. Roseanne said no. She said they brought her on. Roseanne said that she was doing some show on Broadway naked. She said she did a 20 minute monologue naked. She said they always say that she's great. John said she's other worldly. John said he's not sure where she gets this stuff but she's great. Howard said someone told him that one of the cast members was going to be Macaulay Culkin. Roseanne said she thought he was a troubled child. She said she saw that in his audition. She said that was a fight too. She said she loves Michael Fishman. She said that she had a feeling they'd have trouble with Macaulay. Howard said that's amazing that she picked that up in the audition. John said she's the vibe queen.
Howard said that Roseanne was doing the Last Comic Standing last time she was in. Howard asked what happened to that show. Roseanne said it just went away. She said that Wanda Sykes and norm Macdonald are writing on the show now. She said that they have a bunch of great people writing. Howard asked if they come in with a script and submit it. Roseanne said they jam the scripts. They just throw ideas out there. She said Whitney writes it all down on a board and then they put in the jokes. She said they do that and have lunch every 3 hours. Howard asked if she just wants to take a nap after that. Roseanne said she wants to. Howard said that nap is mandatory the older you get. Roseanne and John agreed.
Howard asked John about Roseanne coming to him when he was drinking. John said she was worried for him. Roseanne said that she was pissed that Sarah was smoking pot on the set. She said that she got pissed and called her mom about that. Howard said that most people wouldn't rock the boat. Howard said that John is a great guy and a great actor so you want to help. He said that some people would just stay quiet.
Roseanne said that she and John have a nice relationship. She said that he has held her head up while she's puked. Howard asked what John's drink of choice was. John said it was anything of a certain proof. John said he was drinking at work and he was ashamed of himself but he wasn't able to stop. Howard said she's a good friends for saying something. John said he was ashamed of himself and he wasn't able to stop.
Roseanne said that she told that story about George and his Groucho glasses. John said that was a schween picture. Howard said he can't believe that George did that. He asked what his schween looked like. Roseanne said she doesn't remember.
Howard asked if he has seen John since he did that Cloverfield movie. Roseanne said he was so good in that. Howard said that movie did really well. John said he didn't get more money from that. He said he got paid but not on the back end. John said he should have stayed with Don Buchwald.
Howard said he's glad that they're doing this Roseanne. Roseanne said they did 9 episodes. Howard asked if they're all going to check the ratings tomorrow. Roseanne said she will. She said she wants to come back. John said they will never get the numbers they used to but they're hoping for some good numbers. He said they are advertising the show well though.
Howard said that Jerry Seinfeld is worried about his legacy and won't bring the show back. Roseanne said it would be hard to believe 4 friends in their 80s would be hanging out.
Howard said he liked John as Rex Tillerson on Saturday Night Live. He said he liked him as Linda Tripp too. He said he sees her sitting there now. John did that impression for a few seconds.
Howard said that Roseanne has done Saturday Night Live, right? Roseanne said she has. She said it's a blast. She said you get to write with the staff over there.
Howard asked if they're going to be together watching the show. Roseanne and John said they will be doing something where they'll be watching. Howard said they did that the first time around too. Roseanne said that's when she found out about the ''created by'' thing. Roseanne said that they screened the show back then. She said tonight they'll be together.
Howard asked what this new show is going to be like. They started to tell Howard about what the show starts out as. Roseanne and her sister are fighting over Trump. Howard asked where Roseanne stands on Trump. Roseanne said she doesn't want to get into it. She said she thinks he's stealing her act though. Howard said she ran for president. Roseanne said she was told about write in votes and she heard they count them after Christmas so it's all a scam.
Howard said the show is very political. John said it is how it affects the family. He said they're scrambling to make a buck and that's the politics they're dealing with on the show.
Howard said the family is divided then. Howard said it seems like the right time to have the show come back. Roseanne said she hopes it gets people talking to each other.
Howard said he worries for this country based on what's happening. Roseanne said she does too. She said she worries for her 6 grand kids. She said they call her Granny and she loves having them. She said she loves the mish mosh of this country being a mish mosh of a place and if you forget that then we're lost.
John said they have Doug Stanhope on one episode. Howard said he loves Doug. He said he has some crazy life. Howard said he loves Bingo. John said he didn't get to meet her. Howard said he has to meet her. John said they should have an Israeli woman move in next door and they can have Gal Gadot on the show. He said that they can have her teaching him Krav Maga. He said she's so good in Wonder Woman. Howard asked if Sandra Bernhard is on the show. Roseanne said she is. She said they want to bring back Fred Willard and guys like that back to the show too.
Howard asked if things went well on the set the first day. John said that things just clicked right away. He said it was great. Howard said that they should get Stormy Daniels on the show.
Howard asked if Roseanne is still running the farm in Hawaii. Roseanne said she is. She said she's still growing Macadamia. She said she has like 2000 trees. Howard asked if John has visited there. Roseanne said no but he should come. She said they should all come.
Howard said that the show is on ABC tonight. He said that there are no lungers in the sink this time. Howard said they're doing a 2 episode 1 hour show tonight. Howard asked if it's going to be fun to watch without a drink. John said that bus left the garage a long time ago. Howard said that Roseanne is going to drink in front of John. John said he insists on it. She said she drinks Vodka. John said it doesn't bother him. Howard said he's getting the high sign there. He said that he has to wrap up though. He gave them some more plugs and went to break.
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Howard said Gary said his mom called in while he was talking to Roseanne and John. He said she wanted to get on the air for some reason. He said he'll put her on now.
Howard took a call from his mom and asked how long it's been since she called in. He said it's been at least 5 years. Ray said she called in on his birthday at some point. Howard said it's maybe 4 years. Ray said she had a cold last week and that escalated on Sunday. She said there is no doctor on Sunday. Ray said she has a doctor who gave her his private cell number. Ray said he told her to call when she didn't feel good. Ray said she called and he answered the phone. Howard asked if she knows he's on the air. Ray said she does. Howard said he has no idea where this is going.
Ray said it's a very uplifting story. She said she thinks that it will give everyone a lift. She said she called the doctor and she was told to get some medication. She said it was closed. She said the doctor went over and got the medication for her and brought it to her on a Sunday. She said this doctor is the chairman of cardiology at some hospital. She said within a few hours he was sitting in her house with the medication. She said he would not take money for it. She said the man is an angel to do a thing like that. She said he was so caring.
Howard said his mother is in love with this Dr. Shlofmitz. Ray said he's a very unusual person. Ray said he's very compassionate to do something like that on a Sunday. She said he found a pharmacy and got the medication. She said she had to tell this story because she can't stop thinking about how wonderful he is. Howard said he thinks she would leave his dad for this doctor. Ray told him to stop it. Howard asked if she wishes Dr. Shlofmitz was her son. Ray said she's very satisfied with her son.
Howard asked who the better person is, Dr. Shlofmitz or Howard Stern. Ray said they're both good people. Ray said she's very proud of Howard. Howard said now is the tough question. He said there's a burning building and she can only save one, who does she save? Ray said ''Myself.''
Ray said she had to tell him about this station. She asked if she did the wrong thing. Howard said no. He said she wanted to pay tribute to Dr. Shlofmitz. He said he knows all of the things he's doing for her and he knows he doesn't need advertising. Ray said he's at St. Francis and he's the head of cardiology over there. Howard said she did the right thing. He said now she'll be thinking she did something wrong. He said she did the right thing.
Howard said tomorrow she's going to call in and say some nice things about her dentist. Howard said he's very appreciative of this doctor. He said she should call the doctor's office and tell them how great her son is. Ray said she's not going to waste their time with that.
Howard asked if he can tell her age now. Ray said it's fine. Howard said she's 90. Robin congratulated her on that. Howard said her mom would like to plug the guy who makes his dad's yogurt every day. Ray asked him not to make a joke about this. She said it's an amazing story. Howard said it's very unusual to find a doctor like that. He said he's glad she told that story. He said he loves his mom. Ray said she loves Howard too. Howard said he's fine with all of that.
Robin said it's good to hear from Ray. Ray said it was good to hear her too. Howard let his mom go after that.
Howard said he feels so bad for this doctor. He said old people are badgering him every minute. He said he said to his mother the other day that he was going to do something for this doctor on the air but he figured he was a private guy. He said then she calls in with this.
Howard said his mother used to complain about how all of these old people just talk about their doctors. He went into his impression of his mother talking about Dr. Shlofmitz. He said every call these days is about Dr. Shlofmitz. He said thank god for this guy or he'd be hearing about all of this stuff that she can't get help for.
Howard did more of his mom's voice talking about how great Dr. Shlofmitz is. Howard said he was looking at his watch while she's telling him all of this story that should have taken a minute. He did his dad's voice too. He had the two of them talking about Dr. Shlofmitz. He swore to Robin this is how it went. He was going on and on with this story. That led to Howard having his mom telling him about what they eat for dinner and things like that. Robin was asking questions and Howard said he had to get out of that conversation. He said it's about doctors and food. He asked how that happened. He said he worked up the nerve to ask if she remembered saying that old people just talk about doctors and she hated it. He had Ray talking about how it was every single day with the doctors.
Howard said this is every conversation with his mom. He said he wasn't going to share that with everyone but then his mom called in with it. He said god bless this guy. He said he would have Robin blow this man. Robin said it's his mother so he should blow him. Howard said Robin could help out. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said this doctor isn't looking for his mom to promote him but she had to get it out there. Robin said that she had to say something. Howard said she had to do something for him and she thought this would make him happy. Howard said he does appreciate what he's doing for her. He said the guy saved his life. He said that there were some things going on with his dad and he did a lot to help. He said that he wasn't going to get into that stuff. He said when your parents get old you have to turn to someone to help. He said he's very involved and who do you think is keeping this going?
Howard took a call from a guy who said his mom is awesome and it's great to hear her. He said she can be on anytime. Howard said it sounds like that guy was calling from an airplane.
Robin started her news with a story about a tree in Florida that was 100 years old and how it was threatened by the city when they were going to cut it down. Robin said one woman married the tree. Howard said he admires her. Robin said she did this to get people to fight for the tree. Howard asked if she laid it down on its side and licked its butt hole. Robin said she's not sure about that. Howard said he saw a documentary about a woman who married the Eiffel Tower and a woman who married a car and a guy who married a Real Doll. He said you just don't bother him about it and it's fine.
Robin read a story about a strip club that was run by mobsters being shut down. Robin said it was on Staten Island and it had been shut down when their liquor license was suspended. Robin said the club is back open.
Robin read a story about Sarah Palin's son Track is going to be in court over some assault charges. Robin said he's accused of assaulting his father. Howard said that's unbelievable. He said she's all about the family parenting thing and that's going on there. Robin said they say that Todd Palin told him not to show up because he was drunk but he showed up anyway.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to thank him for talking to his parents with himself. He said that it brings back memories for himself. He said that some of the stuff he says is identical to what his parents used to say. Howard said that's going on in his head all the time.
Robin read a story about a man who returned a stolen phone after he was caught on video stealing it. Robin said it was a man with a little kid who stole the phone. Robin said the guy was given the footage by the owner and it was posted on social media. Robin said the guy insists he didn't steal the phone when he returned it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about an ice cream shop that won't be changing its name from Sweet Jesus. Robin said the shop is in Canada. Robin said some people have been demanding that they change their name. Howard said he would figure Christians would like that name. He said he pitched a company called Jewlato that he pitched. He said he had all kinds of nutty things in the menu.
Robin read a story about police in Brooklyn looking for a suspect who prayed before breaking into a store. Robin said he did this before last week's Nor'easter.
Robin asked Howard if a wife who should benefit from the winnings if she demanded that you stop playing. Howard said yes she should. He said she was giving her best advice by telling him not to waste money. Robin said they are 4 million richer then. Robin said that the guy is going to take home just over 2.6 million.
Robin read a story about a TV ad that is being called racist. Robin said they say ''lighter is better'' in the commercial for a light beer. Robin said during the commercial the beer passes by darker skinned people while this woman who gets the beer is fair skinned.
Robin read a story about American Idol's ratings and how they have fallen since the premier. Robin said they had 8.4 million viewers and they think that's just fine.
Robin asked if they do the top 5 songs anymore. Howard said sure they do. Howard had the list and went through it. They had Bebe Rexha, Bruno Mars, Ed Sheeran and Drake in there. Robin said that Drake song is a record breaking song. Robin said he broke a streaming record for the first day this dropped. Robin said then it broke its own streaming record. She said it was previously held by Taylor Swift.
Robin read a story about Jared Kushner being under investigation. She had some Stormy Daniels news too.
Robin read a story about how Sarah Huckabee Sanders wasn't answering questions yesterday. Robin said it was some guy named Raj Shah. Howard said that's like this guy who is on Gotham. He said he never heard of this guy. Robin said that they say that not everyone wants to talk about Stormy Daniels. Robin had some audio of someone talking about why some people don't want to talk about it. Howard said he has Melania Trump on the phone. He took the call from the pre-recorded fake Melania clips and spent a short time with that. Robin had some audio of this Raj Shah guy answering questions about Stormy Daniels.
Robin read a story about how the White House is expelling Russian intelligence officers from the country because of what happened in the UK. Robin said that Nikki Haley was saying that we will not stand for Russian misbehavior. Howard had a clip of what it would sound like if JD was the press secretary. He had one with Scott the Engineer doing the same thing. Robin too.
Robin asked if they have to agree with something Pat Robertson said. Robin said he was actually saying that the kids who marched for gun control were a great step forward in our democracy. Robin said he also said he supports some bans on weapons that the general population has access to. Robin had Howard play some clips. Howard said that's how he makes you think he's sane.
Robin read a story about the wife of the Pulse nightclub shooter being in court and having a case thrown out. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started the show talking about how miserable he is. He said he wants to scream. He asked when he's not going to be miserable. He said he woke up this morning miserable. He wasn't even able to get it out. He said yesterday was a crazy long day and they had a lot of work to do there at the show. He said he got out of there around 2:15 or so. He said he had to get to his psychiatrists office. He said he was stuck in traffic because of the fire fighter funeral that was going on. He said you can't sit in that traffic because the guy was a hero. He said he sounds like he was a fantastic hero. He said it sounds like he was too young to die. He said his younger brother was saying he was his mentor and role model.
Howard said he was about to complain and then he figured he should shut up. Robin said she had the same experience. She said they had to try to go around the city to get someplace 5 minutes away. Robin said you can't complain about that though. Howard said he can complain when it's a dumb parade but when it's a hero you keep your mouth shut.
Robin said they had a huge flag hanging in the street and there were no cars on 5th Ave. She said the road was completely shut down.
Howard said when he got home he had a lot of work to do. He said it was work and personal. He said he's been having an issue. He said he used sun screen while he was on vacation. He said he used it on his face and his dermatologist told him to wear it indoors. Robin asked what's going to get him in there. Howard said you walk by the window and get something. He said his skin is so sensitive that if he puts anything on it then he breaks out. He gets zits. Howard said he was in Florida and he used the sun screen down there. He said by the end of the week he had this monstrous zit the size of his nose. He said it was weighing him down it's so heavy. He said he had squeezed it and lots of shit came out. He said that's a great feeling but last night it percolated. He said he didn't get it all. He said he steamed it and now it's a gigantic mess on his nose.
Howard said he was hoping it would go away but now it's going to take days of steaming it to get it to go away. Robin said they say never squeeze them. Howard said he woke up and saw it in the mirror. He said he's not enough of a mess. Robin said she knew that's where this was going.
Howard said they have Geraldo coming in today and they're taping it for TV even though they don't have TV.
Howard said he only eats 3 meals a day. He isn't running anymore because he's a mess. He can't work out because he's a mess. He said he does mini workouts. He's not doing anything. He said he went up a pound and he's not even eating anything. He said he wanted to put makeup on this zit and Beth was sleeping. He said he was texting her to wake her up. He said he didn't want to wake her up to get her makeup. He said he asked her for cover up for his nose. He said she's not up. He said he goes upstairs to find something. He said he's thinking it has to be over soon. He said he wasn't even dressed yet.
Howard said he's steamed this thing and he has to get cover up. He said he went to her bathroom to find the cover up. He said she woke up on her own and he asked her to look at this thing on his nose. He said he made a terrible mess of it. He said she told him she'd get some cover up. He said she gave him a whole tube of the stuff to use. He said he wants a face transplant. He said they must be able to do it.
Howard said his buddy Pat is a real man and he can walk around with a zit on his face. He said he would tell him he's upset and Pat would say ''What are you talking about dude?'' He said he'd just say that's attractive on a man. He said everything makes him mental. He didn't even want to come in to work. He said he can't think about anything else. Robin said no one is thinking about it like he is. Howard said they all are. He said they're all looking. He said he knows they were.
Howard said the only people who can get face transplants are people who get their face ripped off by an ape. Robin said he wouldn't be happy with one.
Howard said Robin was so upbeat while she had cancer. He said he thinks that's the only reason she's alive. He said she has this ridiculous attitude. Robin said she tried to make a joke the day after surgery and Howard said that wasn't funny. Howard said Robin didn't miss a show. He said if he had a tumor he wouldn't do the show. He can barely do it with a pimple. Robin said he would come in and complain to her and they were ridiculous things. She said people would be excited about the things that he was complaining about.
Howard said the zit took him down. He said Robin had a tumor and it didn't take her down. Howard said he's a broken man. Robin said this is all an act. Howard said he thought all about Robin with this and she walked in there proudly. He said she didn't care. She did what she had to do. Howard said he gets a zit and he was ready to call off the show today.
Howard said what was even better was when Robin was in the midst of her cancer she would go out and do her radiation and Chemo and she'd come to work. He said they'd get on the air and then he was complaining about his America's Got Talent schedule. He said he didn't want to hear about her problem. He was upset about his long hours at America's Got Talent. He said he walked into Robin's apartment after being worked on just weeks before. He said he would go in there complaining about how exhausted he was. Robin said he once said ''they're killing me.'' Howard said that was how he was trying to make things normal for Robin.
Howard said he was walking in complaining about Mel B being late to America's Got Talent. He said that's what he was complaining about.
Howard said he's not using sunscreen anymore. He said he wears hats and jackets and goes under umbrellas. Robin asked if he's allergic to sunscreen. Howard said it's any type of cream on his face. He said it's fine if it's left alone.
Howard said he was up a pound yesterday too. Robin said the problem is that he's weighing himself every day. She said this is water weight. Howard said Robin thinks he's another girl. He said women think he's a woman. He said his wife said she loves that he's one of the girls. He said he wants to be a cave man.
Howard said Gary said the N-word on the Wrap Up Show the other day. He said he has to call him out on this. He played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where he said something that did sound like the N-word. Gary said he was saying ''Name dropper'' but he slurred it. Gary said he wasn't saying the N-word. Howard said he knows that.
Howard said one of the guys told him he said the N-word. He said Gary talks so fast. Gary said he forgot his ''slow down'' sign. Howard said the guys pointed that out to him. He said look what happened. Howard played a song parody about Gary slowing down.
Howard said he was reading an article about the songs that they grew up loving are politically incorrect now. He said if they had to write the songs today they couldn't. Howard said a lot of songs are about fucking young women and stuff. He said he was listening to Chuck Berry's ''Sweet Little 16.'' He played some of that. Howard said he was like 50 at the time. He said back then you could say that stuff.
Howard played another ''You're 16'' song from Johnny Burnett. He said the article was pretty good. He said it was by Dave Lifton. He said he was enjoying the article. He said this is The Crystals and it goes ''He Hit Me And It Felt Like a Kiss.'' Howard played some of that too. Howard said he read that Carol King wrote that. Howard said OJ liked that one. He played the song and said that's great. Robin said it's really creepy.
Howard said there's a song called ''Ahab the Arab'' that wouldn't be written today. He played some of that and laughed at the guy talking like an Arab. He said he remembers that one.
Howard said the Beatles wrote a song about a 17 year old. He said he saw that Jerry Seinfeld was inducting Paul McCartney and brought that song up. He played some of the Beatles song. He said in their defense they were only like 19 at the time they wrote the song.
Howard said Jimi Hendrix also covered ''Hey Joe'' which was about going down to shoot his old lady after she was caught with another man. He said he didn't write that one though.
Howard said the song Lady Willpower was about a woman who is a virgin. He played sone of that song. Robin said she didn't know what they were singing about. Howard said he didn't either. He said he doesn't pay attention to lyrics.
Howard said the Stones did songs like ''Some Girls'' where they sing about stuff that wouldn't go down today. He played some of that where they sing about black girls wanting to get fucked all night.
Howard said he wrote a song when he was younger called ''Shut Up and Take The Dick.'' He said he picked up on all of this at an early age. Howard said there were like 100 songs on this list. He said they had the Guns N' Roses ''One in a Million'' where they sing about immigrants and faggots not making sense.
Howard said he thought that was an interesting article. Robin said they should go back and look at some TV shows too. She said she saw a sitcom about a guy who was a scientist who lives with his father in law and he's a plumber. She said his wife was just there to be pretty and stupid. Robin said she just had lines that were dumb for her.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up Blazing Saddles and how that would never be made today. Howard said he's probably right. Robin said that Quentin Tarantino does that in his movies. Howard said they do that under a different premise.
Howard said he doesn't think the Three Stooges could pull their eyes back to represent the Chinese. He said they were great though.
Howard took a call from a guy who started to give his history of calling into the show. Howard said no one wants to hear that. He gave the guy some advice about that and then let him continue. The caller continued to tell Howard about his first call and what they said to him. Howard said he's the worst caller. Howard said they're going to say goodbye to Nick forever. Nick said he got emotional hearing his mom on the air yesterday. He said his mom has issues getting older too.
Howard asked what he called in about the first time. Nick said he asked about Sarah Silverman coming on to him at parties and stuff like that. Howard said he was one of the guys and this second call has completely gone off the rails. Robin said Roseanne said that she killed her fist time on stage and then the second time she died a dog's death. Howard said that this guys' first call was My Sherona and his second call is that song no one knows. Howard asked Nick if he'll call in again after this. Nick said he will try calling in again. He said he loves the show. Howard asked what if he's like that guy Psy who only had one hit song. Howard said this is whatever followed that song the Macarena. He said good luck with the third call. He said he wants him to call back right now so he can hear it.
Nick said he wants Howard to have some people on who have different opinions than he has. He said it might elevate the show. Howard said this is the worst second call ever. Robin said this is sucking even worse. Howard said he's chasing that first call and wants to redeem himself. Howard asked what he just said. Robin said he said something about elevating the show with differing opinions.
Howard took a call from Bobo to find out what he thinks about this caller. Bobo said he's making him look like a big star. Howard said people are screaming for Bobo to call in. Howard asked if the big mistake is to not hang up. Bobo told him to just get off the phone. He said just do what he does and put some copious notes down and get off the phone.
Nick said he has one more question. Gary said Benjy wants to workshop with Nick after this call. Nick said he'd do that.
Nick asked Howard about his morning wood and if he put on a condom with Beth. Howard said yes. He said this just isn't working out. He told him to go listen to ''Gangnam Style.'' Howard told him to make up a notebook with questions in it. Howard let Nick go and played ''Gangnam Style.'' Howard also played a bit about how not to be a Bobo when you call in.
Howard asked Bobo what he can do for him. Bobo said he watched the Roseanne revival last night. Howard asked him to say ''revival'' again because he says it like ''revivo.'' Howard said he can't say the letter V. He asked him to say it again. Fred did his impression of it. Bobo claimed it was his Long Island accent. Howard said that's no accent. He said that's from watching too much Bugs Bunny.
Howard asked Bobo to start again. He had him repeating the ''revivo'' thing. Howard and Fred were goofing on him about that weird speech thing he has. Howard was cracking up. Howard said he's complaining about a zit, just imagine going through life with that.
Bobo said that was an awesome comeback after a decade. He said working in the Trump references was great. Howard said he doesn't have a question. He's just giving his review of Roseanne. Bobo said he thought it was great after a decade coming back. Robin asked how long a decade is. Robin said they've been off for 20. Howard told Robin to stop busting his balls. He said that's his job. Howard said that's not lady like.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she knows how to get rid of the zit. She said that you go to the dermatologist and they will give an injection to get the swelling down. Howard said he doesn't have time for that. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Robin said that the smoking laws might fix the vaping thing too. Howard said he doesn't want that stuff in his lungs. He said he can smell it a half a block away.
Gary asked if he has dealt with the flavored vaping things that put out a huge cloud. Gary said he walked behind a guy who was vaping and the cloud was like 4 feet wide.
Robin asked what you are supposed to do if you smoke. She said she's not sure why she has to walk through smoke when she walks outside through a door.
Howard asked if they know what Scott's favorite flavor is for the vape juice. He said it's banana. He said he got into a conversation with him about that once. Howard said he also loves coffee flavor. He said you can smell that when you walk by Scott sometimes. Howard played a song parody about Scott vaping. Howard thanked the councilman who came up with the bill.
Howard said he used to go up there because his kids used to go to summer camp up there. Howard said it does seem like it's all Jews up there. He said he's not sure why that is. Bonnie said the people just want to get rid of their kids for the summer. Howard said he thinks that maybe parents want to give their kids the experience of being in the woods camping and living from their parents and stuff like that.
Howard said he went to summer camp but out in New York. He said he went and loved it. He told Bonnie why she can't use the N-word like other people can. He asked what her people are. She said she's an Arab. She said she's half Jew and half Arab. Howard sounded surprised by that. He said he's not going to sit and explain why she can't use the N-word. He said that we always lose the argue with other countries when they bring up slavery. Howard said this country used black people for labor.
Howard said he was going to explain that stuff to Bonnie but he changed his mind. He said he'd rather play some phony phone calls.
Howard asked if he can talk about this thing or not. Gary said he thinks he can. He said it doesn't say not to. Howard said Stevie Wonder is putting together a project about Dr. Martin Luther King. He said that he asked him to do something for him. He said his agent told him it was his call. He said Stevie is a great talent and he's blind. He said it has something to do with martin Luther King so it's hard to tell Stevie to go fuck himself. He said he had to do what Stevie wanted. Robin asked what it is. Howard said he's not sure he wants him to talk about it.
Howard said he is participating. He said that's what he can say. He said he told some people around there that he can't say no to this. He said people agreed that he can't turn it down. Howard said he's part of this thing and he was doing it after barely reading the email. Howard said he hopes he did what he wanted.
Howard said he thinks he did what they wanted. He said he's not sure what he wants him to do there. He had to record a bunch of stuff there. He said he sent it to his agent and asked him to look at it and he said it might not be what he wants. He said then he looked at it again and said maybe he did what he wanted.
Howard said no one knows what Stevie wants. He said he thinks he did it funny like he wanted. He said he gave a serious message about Dr. King too just in case. He said he tried to do the right thing. He said then he got the zit on his nose.
Howard said he can't be the only guy to turn down Stevie Wonder. He said he has to be one of the top 5 musicians in the world. He said he isn't going to turn that guy down. Howard asked Robin if she would fuck him at any time. Robin said yes. Howard said see, you can't say no to Stevie.
Howard said he can't handle having a zit on his nose. Imagine him being blind. He said there would be no show for sure. Howard said he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he watched Roseanne last night. Howard said he fell asleep and didn't see it. Fred played Bobo saying 'Roseanne revivo'' over and over. Howard said he was watching TV and he went out early. The caller said it started off slow but it was like the old show and very funny. He said the way they incorporated the Hillary and Trump thing. He said it was perfect and written very well.
Howard thanked the caller and hung up on him in the middle of him asking something else. Howard said it's weird that people are reviewing the show.
Howard took a call from a guy named Pocket who said it was fun yesterday with Roseanne and John Goodman. Howard said he enjoyed them. Pocket asked if Roseanne is looking hotter as she gets older. Howard said she is about his age and she is looking good. Howard said he was talking to Ronnie about that yesterday. He said she looked good yesterday. Robin said people who are on camera all the time do start to obsess about their looks. Robin said she went to work and she looks good.
Pocket asked if Beth came to him asking him to get into cock rings, would he do it? Howard said no. He said he doesn't want any of that. Howard said he might do the cock ring thing but not the dildo in the ass thing.
Howard said they asked Ronnie to review some sex toys and he's doing it. He said he has to play this when Ronnie is around. He said they found this ''Earthquake Anal Vibe'' which is a 12 inch rod you stick in your ass. He said Ronnie put this in his ass and reviewed it. Howard said you have to hear this. He played the clip of Ronnie reviewing the vibrator. Ronnie said it's a 12 inch rod with a handle at the end. He said what you do is put a lot of lube on it and shove it in your ass. He said you hit the prostate with it and you blow your load like the moon. He said it hurt pulling it out so he gave it 4 cock rings out of 5.
Howard asked if he's there. Gary came in with the vibrator and showed it to Robin and Howard. Howard said Ronnie has to be bisexual at least. He said that when they have Jason Ellis in there he talks about how he worked up to having sex with dudes by using dildos. He played a clip of Jason talking about that when he was in there.
Howard said he thinks he's in spring training for taking it from a guy. Robin said it might be too much for him to do it on the air. Howard said he's going to work his way up to a baseball bat. Robin said that they can use Lucille. Howard said speaking of The Walking Dead, he has to be critical of the show. He said they have to get rid of the director. He said it took place at night and he has no idea what was happening. He said he should be able to follow it but the show is so darkly lit that he can't see anything. He said you can't see any of the fighting. Howard said they have to have light. He said it means they don't have a script. Robin said they just created a bunch of people to kill.
Howard said they have to shoot during the day. He said he can't see anything. He said he felt like Stevie Wonder. He said he lowered the blinds in his apartment. He said they have to stop it. He said he's a big fan of the show but that was not a good episode. He said there was a lot of killing but he didn't see it.
Howard said that was a pretty cool conversation. He said he doesn't think that guy was on meth or anything.
Howard asked Richard if the guy stayed on longer than that. Richard said they did cut out some of his questions for the ducks. Howard said that they have made a lot of phony phone calls over the years and they have gotten a lot of people to talk to animals. He said Sal had a dog order a pizza. He said they had Gary the Conqueror talk to a caribou. He said they used Gary talking as a monkey talking to a pet psychic. Howard played some of those clips that he just mentioned.
Howard said he is shocked by some of this stuff. He said it's great. He said he loved that the guy with the duck was on even longer than that. He did an impression of the guy talking to the duck. He said he feels bad for the ducks that have to go live with that guy. He said he has a friend who has some ducks in a pond and they all seem happy to swim together. Richard said they had ducks and the never ate them. He said they just had them around. He said they ate chickens but not the ducks. He said some chickens got to live because they laid eggs. He said even the roosters were trying to lay eggs to live.
Richard talked about some of the animals they used to have as pets that ended up as food. Howard asked if his dad laughed at him when he cried about the pigs. Richard said he understood. Howard said he has to take another break here. He said he has to stay on course.
Howard said he should play a game there about Richard's dad. He asked if they have anything to give away. Gary said they have a Flat Ronnie. Howard said he has Helen on the phone. He asked if she has any interest in that. She said yes, maybe. Howard said she doesn't seem like she wants it that bad. Helen said her husband would want it more than her. Gary said he has a Jim Bakker food bucket. Helen said she'll take that. Howard said he wouldn't eat that shit if you paid him.
Howard asked if she wants a food bucket or a Flat Ronnie. Gary said they have a spoon from JD too. She said she'll take that. Helen said her son is going to go to Full Sail. She said that her son is on the spectrum and when she hears JD is doing good it gives her hope. Howard said the show helped JD out. Helen said that her son hasn't been kissed yet so they're worried about him. Howard said he must be fucked up if he hasn't been kissed yet. She said he's good looking. She said that he wants to be a sportscaster. She said he knows a lot about sports. Howard said that his mom thinks he's good looking and she wonders if this kid could be good looking.
Howard asked if she wants to play this game or not. He said that she isn't into the prizes. Helen said she appreciates him taking the call. Howard said her son is really good looking. He said he's heard that before. He said he's probably a big mess.
Howard said that he doesn't think his mom really thinks he's good looking. He said that she said her father never cared about his looks. Howard said she says she likes the person he is inside.
Howard said he'll play this game with Robin. He said this is a game where they ask if Richard's dad has eaten different things. He played a theme song for the game. Richard said his dad just sent him meat in the mail. He said that he sent pork and stuff. He said his wife gets mad that it stinks up the fridge.
Howard had a caller on the line named Sarah who wanted to play for a Flat Ronnie. Howard played a clip of Richard asking his dad if he's eaten bear. That was a test question. Sarah said that she's going to say he has not. Howard played Richard's dad's answer which was ''Oh yeah.''
Howard played a clip of Richard asking his dad if he's eaten a possum. Sarah said he's going to say yes. Howard played the answer which was ''no.'' They had a long answer for that because they have seen possum eating a dead cow.
Howard played a clip of Richard asking his dad if he's eaten a pigeon. Sarah said she's going to say no. Howard played the answer which was ''Oh yeah...'' Howard said Sarah was wrong again. He said she's got to get every one right now.
Howard played a clip of Richard asking his dad if he's eaten a skunk. Sarah said that she's going to say yes. She said they're kind of like a raccoon. The answer was no.
Howard said she was wrong again. He said she's terrible at this game. Howard said she can play for the whole thing with one last question. He said if she gets it he'll give it to her. Howard played the clop where Richard asked if he's ever eaten rattlesnake. Sarah said yes he would. Howard played the answer which was ''Oh yeah.'' Howard said they'll give her the Flat Ronnie. He said he feels bad for her. He put her on hold. Richard said he's had rattlesnake. He said it's really good.
Howard did more with Robin and asked if he's eaten beaver. She said no but Richard's dad said he has. Howard asked if he's eaten horse. Robin said yes but Richard's dad said no. Richard said they had a pet horse named Fred.
Howard asked Robin if he's eaten a mole. Robin said she's going to say yes. Howard played the answer which was no. Richard said he caught a mole as a kid and kept it as a pet. He said it got out of the cage though. Howard said he'd figure out a way to get out of there too.
Howard asked if Richard's dad has eaten flesh. Robin said no. Howard played the answer which was ''Not that I know of.''
Howard said Shuli visited Richard's parents and they had a bunch of weird stuff to eat out there. Howard asked if he ate frog. Robin said she thinks yes. Howard played the answer which was ''yes.'' Howard thanked Richard and did a live commercial read before going to break.
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Howard came back and said he has Geraldo Rivera there. He said he works across the street at FOX News. He said that he has a book out called ''The Geraldo Show: A Memoir'' and it's coming out next Tuesday.
Howard said Geraldo looks good. He said he's keeping the weight off. Geraldo said Howard looks good too. Howard said he has makeup on his nose because of a zit. Geraldo said he had a back operation so he looks better than he feels. Howard asked why he had a back operation. Geraldo said he had pain. Howard said he should have called him. He asked if he works out. Geraldo said he does as much as he can. Howard asked if he gets tired at night or does his body hurt. Geraldo said he thinks they give up on themselves. He said you let yourself go. He said it's an instinct to lethargy.
Robin asked if it's a hormone thing. Geraldo said it might be genetic. He said he feels when he's reporting he's as aggressive as he's ever been. He said he's in love with his wife and that hasn't changed when they make love. He said he's been with her for 18 years now. Howard asked if that keeps him going. Geraldo said a cheater uses half his energy going after other girls.
Howard said when you get to a certain age you use so much energy thinking about things. Geraldo said you have to reaffirm your existence.
Howard said in his new book he says that Roger Ailes told Geraldo he didn't like the color of his hair. Geraldo said he actually made him dye his hair. Howard said he thinks the grey looks good. Geraldo said he still dyes his hair. He said he has no idea what color it really is. Howard said he has grey hair though. Geraldo said he isn't fanatical about it. Howard said it still looks good.
Howard asked what the routine is for the moustache. Geraldo said he hates it when it goes up his nose. He said he is the only moustache over there on FOX News. Howard said no one does it like Geraldo. Geraldo said he grew it in 1968 and hasn't shaved it since. He said he almost did when Michael Jackson was indicted for child molestation. He said he said he would shave it if he was convicted. He said he was going to chop it off and make a prosthetic. He said he never heard from the guy when he was let off.
Howard said it's a weird business. He said you'd think the guy would stick with you. Geraldo said that the president never forgets anything you say. Howard asked if he hears from Donald at all now. He said he has covered him a lot. Geraldo said he did The Apprentice with him too. He said he has interviewed him 30 times. Howard asked if he ever confronted him on what he said about not supporting him. Geraldo said that he has in ways. He said he knows on the immigration thing he doesn't support him. He said he doesn't agree with him on a bunch of things. Geraldo said he rewards friendship. He said he wants him to succeed and he thinks he knows that. He said he is sympathetic to him in the book. He said you want him to succeed and he doesn't like how he gets raked over the coals every day.
Howard said if you disagree with the president you must protest. He said you have to do that. Howard said he understands that. He also finds it interesting that he's a friend of Donald's. He said that if he had a neighbor who wanted to build a wall to keep people out would he be so tolerant. Geraldo said he has never seen any president, even Nixon, have a worse relationship with the press than Donald does. He said they have the best reporters out there wanting to kill him every day. He said everything is construed in the most evil way possible. He said if it was someone who he didn't know for 40 years he isn't sure if he would be supportive. He said probably not.
Geraldo said friendship and loyalty is what he appreciates. He said in his family his wife is like most women and she hates Trump. She said she tells him he has sold out because of his friendship with him. Geraldo said he says to her that we have to support this president. He said the economy is buzzing and he's doing things with North Korea and he's not getting credit for that. He said you have to be balanced in this.
Howard asked if he's shocked by Donald's views on things. He said he was a similar Hillary democrat. Geraldo said he was a moderate democrat. He said he interviewed him in 1999 and he was running for president back then. He said that he was shocked when he found out what his platform was going to be. He said he was shocked when he said Mexicans were rapists.
Howard asked Geraldo if he was shocked that America bought into that. Geraldo said he was shocked and flabbergasted. He said that the whole Access Hollywood thing should have ended it. Howard said he knows him off camera. He said he has hung out with him and he told him that he was a Hillary supporter and he may have taken offense to that. He said Donald doesn't call him. Geraldo said he might be afraid he'll bring up the locker room banter. Howard asked if he really thinks he would. Howard asked Geraldo how his boner is. Geraldo laughed and said he's not on any Viagra or anything. He said he married Viagra.
Robin asked if his wife being anti-Trump has affected his sex life. Geraldo said it depends on the time of day. He said she was mad at him recently and she had been watching the Today show. He said she was so angry at Trump that it affected that. He said he's not the president so it shouldn't.
Howard said Geraldo is the guy who comes in and is the opposition. He said she might think that he's being too easy on the guy. Geraldo said that he and Sean Hannity are friends but they don't agree on policy. Howard said he has friends like that too. He said he doesn't give a shit if they're great guys. Geraldo said FOX News exists because of the vacuum of news out there. He said they have people over there who have beliefs that he doesn't agree with but that doesn't make them stupid. Howard said what it does make them is men who want to tell women how to control their bodies. Geraldo said that there's half the country that doesn't agree with you and you have to get over that.
Howard said Hannity went to Roger Ailes and tried to stop him from hiring Geraldo. Geraldo said he was his enemy and he stood with Clinton. He said he was backing up Bill and Hillary and that was his policy toward Trump too. He said Hannity's fury toward him was totally policy driven. He said when he was up against him he was his arch enemy. He said he was at CNBC kicking his butt and he came there to do his thing and Hannity said he was going to dilute their brand. He said Roger said screw you. He said ever since then they've become friends.
Howard asked Geraldo about Roger and the things that happened to him. Geraldo said his legacy has been erased. He said that his name was taken off of things and it's like he never existed. He said he created one of the biggest start ups in history. Howard asked if they should keep his name on schools and things. Geraldo said years from now they might be able to get over that. He said that stuff was invisible to everyone else. He said he was a ballroom brawler and a lot of things. He said he never saw that he was a predator. Howard said he does describe something in the book about seeing something with Roger and this Laurie Dhue. Howard went through the story with Geraldo and asked how we reconcile with that. Geraldo said he would say the same thing to a guy that he said to her. He said it wasn't a gender specific rage. He said if he loved you he loved you big. He said he was an equal opportunity guy. Robin said some of the stories were about women's underwear and that was inappropriate. Geraldo asked who knew that though.
Geraldo said it all started with Gretchen Carlson. He said when she came out and 2 weeks later she sued after not being rehired. He said his first response was that he didn't believe it. He said he thought she was using it as leverage. He said then people stopped backing Roger and then she had tape of Roger saying these horrible things. He said he felt bad about that. He did think that he didn't deserve the backing. Geraldo said that this moment was a big thing. He said he still feels bad that he didn't believe her to this day.
Howard asked Geraldo if he's confused and if they tell him what to say there. He said he's sure there's some big meeting where they all sit down and say they don't know what to do. Geraldo said they went through everything with him last February. He said they said you can't tell a woman if she looks good in a red dress or whatever. Howard said he had one of the guys there asking if you can say they look nice. Howard said he told him no and it's none of his business what a woman looks like there.
Geraldo said that Matt Lauer is another one who was very good to him. He said he never saw any of this stuff. Robin said they're not going to tell him. Geraldo said the news business is a very flirty business. He said if you work all day and night who are you going to meet? He said Scarborough and Mika met at work. Howard said he finds her very attractive. He asked Geraldo what he thinks. Geraldo said they're a very nice couple. He said there's only one person who turns him on. Howard said he was just testing him to see how he reacted.
Howard said Geraldo loves to give his opinion but they sit on him. He asked if they tell him not to talk about stuff. Geraldo said they don't give him much of that. He said he tends to be treated as the elder statesman there. Howard said he figured he'd be in jail with the #MeToo movement going on. Geraldo said you can't criminalize the 1970s.
Howard asked Geraldo about the Bette Midler story he told and if he had to apologize for that. Geraldo said he did apologize. He said that he spoke in Matt Lauer's support before he knew the facts of the allegations. He said that he should have kept his mouth shut until he knew the significance. Howard said it has to be tough working there where he does to do that. Geraldo said you roll the dice and hope that history corroborates with what you say.
Geraldo said he said things about people who he didn't suspect did anything wrong and he was wrong.
Howard gave Geraldo a plug for his book ''The Geraldo Show: A Memoir '' and said he's doing a book signing next week. He said he addresses the Bill O'Reilly thing in his book. He said he was a big money maker for FOX. He said that Geraldo knew him personally. He asked if he can maintain that relationship with him now. Geraldo said the simple answer is yes. He said he does a podcast now. He said they ask him to not do it but he did it. Geraldo said O'Reilly is a big dorky, nerdy, clumsy guy. He said he was never a secret keeper. He said he has a quick temper and he has seen him lose it. He said the guy never had a good date. He said he never had someone to love him. He said he assumes that's how he stumbled into all of this.
Howard asked Geraldo about when he goes to see him does he avoid all of that and just ask about other things. Geraldo said he doesn't go there. He said he feels sorry for the guy. He said during his hard times the guy would put him on his show every week. He said even when they disagreed with each other on things they remained friends. He said he was very loyal to him.
Howard said he makes a good point in the book. He said he's wrestling with all of this and he says in the book that a $32 million payout was huge. Geraldo said Gretchen got $20 million for her payout. He asked where the justice is there.
Howard said a lot of people forget the background of Geraldo. He said he was at the height of his powers when he broke the Willowbrook story. He said he exposed the mentally ill people being treated poorly. He said he was an instant celebrity. He said the night life and the world opened up for him. He said this killed him in the book. He said he was hanging out with Andy Warhol and he asked him to sign his book. He signed it and drew on it and he lost the book. Geraldo said it's hard to keep track of that stuff after all of the divorces. Howard said someone has to have it. Geraldo said maybe when he dies they'll find it in his house.
Howard said Geraldo feels he gets treated like a second rate guy. He said he risked his life going over seas and he thinks he deserves some credit. Geraldo said it's so frustrating to see these people who never risk anything being so judgmental. He said there are people who are cool no matter what they do and he breaks a major story and they think he's chiseling or something. He said that's why he wrote this book.
Howard said Geraldo said he felt bad not going to Vietnam so he went over there to report on things so he could put something on the line. Geraldo said he felt for decades that it was a black mark on the way he saw himself. He didn't want people to think that he lacked courage. He said he has gone to many wars around the planet and he tries to be on the front. He said that when you have that attitude that if you die in combat you sometimes make mistakes. He said more often you get to the heart of the story. He said he proved that Osama bin Laden had escaped Tora Bora 9 years before the State Department figured it out.
Howard asked if he thinks that he ruined his credibility with some of the things he did. Geraldo said he did in some ways. Howard said he says in the book he still needs dough. Howard said it took tremendous balls to walk away from his TV show. Geraldo said he was making $5 million at NBC when he went to FOX to make $2 million. He said 9/11 was an earth shattering thing for him. He got sidetracked when he told Howard he lives in Cleveland. He said on 9/11 they lost 6 dads at the school that his kids had gone to. He said 150 people in Middletown were lost. He said that it was a huge thing for him because that's where he was living at the time. Geraldo said he went after bin Laden after that and he's not credited with that. He said that they think it's all sensationalism and it's just not.
Geraldo said he's been shot at and had people come after him with punches more than any journalist out there. He said he doesn't get credit for that either.
Geraldo said in 2011 they were caught in a gun fight and he writes about that in his book. He said in Tora Bora he had a gun shot give him a part in his hair. Howard asked if he carried a gun. Geraldo said he did. He said after 8 journalists were killed in Afghanistan he started carrying it. Howard said he thought they might fuck with him. Geraldo said if they came after him it was going to be a gun fight. He said the gun cost him a million Afghani. He said that was like 200 bucks in Kabul.
Howard asked if Roger Ailes appreciated what he did for them. Geraldo said he thinks he did. He said he was supportive.
Howard said he must have been a huge target over there. He said even this guy who wrote another book said that they thought he was Ryan Reynolds when he was kidnapped. He said if Geraldo was kidnapped it would have been huge. Geraldo said carrying the gun was his least worry.
Howard said Geraldo was upset by Tina Fey saying something about him on Saturday Night Live. Geraldo said that she said that she'd have to pretend to be upset if he was killed over there. Geraldo said that was an eye opener for him. He said that's the way people think about him in that clique she's in.
Howard asked Geraldo about him thinking that Mick Jagger was coming on to him at some point. Geraldo said he did. He said that was like 40 years ago. He said he had a friend who told him you don't want that stuck in you about Mick.
Howard asked Geraldo about the Stormy Daniels thing. Geraldo said he thinks that's the fakest story out there. He said that it's 2006 and she's a porn star. He said if he did what she says he did and to have CNN lead with it every day 24/7 and for Anderson to do that interview is just not right. He asked what the relevance of the story is. Howard said the big story is how the money was spent. He said that the bigger story was about the payment. He said it's not about the details. Geraldo said if that is the story then would it have gotten the kind of ink that Stormy got, he doesn't think so. He said if it was hush money before the election didn't it turn out to be a good investment? He said you sort out the illegality of it after the election. He said they're not criminal questions.
Howard said maybe the bigger question is about people paying off people about sex. He asked how they can ignore it. Robin said the coverage of Bill Clinton was as salacious as this. Geraldo said there was a kindness about that story though. Robin said the media doesn't control that. Geraldo said even between Clinton, Edwards and Gary Hart they all had straight reputations. He said Donald Trump was a ladies man and everyone knew that. He said he thinks that the people who voted for Trump were voting for his policy.
Howard asked if there is something to the story about Stormy being threatened. Geraldo said that there was a headline about that and they put it in there like it was a Trump threat. He said that it's just weird to him. He said he likes both of the women and their personalities. Howard asked if he thinks she's lying. Geraldo said Stormy claims that she was threatened in 2011 and we only hear about it now. He said she didn't call 911. He said he's not saying she isn't telling the truth but it's convenient that there is no corroboration at all. He said he thinks that the president is right on not responding.
Howard asked what Geraldo thinks of her chest. Geraldo said she has charm. He said he doesn't like that. Howard asked who he's more attracted to. Geraldo said he won't disrespect the first lady of the United States by putting her in that list.
Howard asked if Geraldo will go under cover to find out if Melania is going to stay with Trump. Geraldo laughed. He said he doesn't know her all that well. He said he has been around her and he thinks she will evolve in that role. Geraldo said he had dinner with Donald just last month with him, Eric and Don Jr.
Howard asked if he talks to Trump about the gun thing. Geraldo said that he told him he thinks you have to raise the age of purchase. He said that this kid was just 19 years old. He said he's a teenager. He said his kids had 10 car crashes between them at that age. He said he was deeply affected by what he saw and he made it his policy to raise it but then he backed off.
Howard asked if he thinks he just wants to get the fuck out of there. Geraldo said he did have a great life. He said he isn't sure what he has left. Howard asked if his wife was pissed that he went to dinner. Geraldo said the first thing Trump said to him is that his wife must really not like him.
Geraldo said Trump wants to be loved. He said he is so spontaneous and he bursts into flames. He said that he has held back on the Stormy Daniels thing and that's good. Robin said he was just making fun of being presidential just weeks ago.
Howard asked what Bill O'Reilly is doing all day now. Geraldo said he thinks he's writing his books. He said he did ask how he was doing when he did his podcast and he never is that feel good kind of guy.
Howard said Geraldo has done it again. He gave him some more plugs and Geraldo told him to call him out in Cleveland. Howard said he's only going to be there one day. He said he's out of there after the Hall of Fame.
Howard said Geraldo is still going. He asked if he fears death. Geraldo said not really. He said it happens to everyone. He said there is no heaven. He said he knows he's the only one in the building at FOX who is an atheist.
Howard gave Geraldo some more plugs and said he's blowing the lid off the literary world with his book. Howard asked what he thinks will come of the Russia investigation. Geraldo said he thinks it's nothing. He said that it's going to go away.
Howard asked why they won't say anything bad about Putin. Geraldo said he doesn't know about that. He said he thinks Trump likes strong people and he admires Putin's swagger. He said he sees him like a fellow traveler. Howard asked if he should have called him to congratulate him on his win. Geraldo said that it's sad that there are people snitching him out. Howard said he'd hire that Sarah Huckabee Sanders if he had to have a press secretary. Geraldo said he likes her too.
Howard asked if Geraldo still masturbates. Geraldo said you have to. He said if you don't have orgasms then your life is over. Howard said that should have been the title of his book. Geraldo said he's going to take his book to Cleveland. Howard asked if he's seen Cheech lately. Geraldo said he is going to see him next Thursday. He said that he wrote a blurb for the book that's really funny. Howard asked if he smokes weed. Geraldo said no comment. Howard said he must have medical marijuana. Geraldo said he wouldn't tell him if he did. He said where legal he thinks people can do whatever they want in their house. Howard asked if he would do edibles. Geraldo said he sounds like OJ. He said he thinks marijuana is great and it should be the same law as booze.
Howard said Geraldo's wife is lovely too. Geraldo said he pinches himself every day. He said he has never cheated on his wife in 18 years. He said that he loves being able to make that statement. He said he can say that knowing there is no one to contradict him.
Howard gave Geraldo some more plugs. Howard said he loves seeing him. He said he always says the right things. Howard said he could end his marriage because of Trump. Geraldo asked if Beth agrees with him politically. Howard said she actually does. Howard said he has so much more to ask about. He had to take a break though. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he loves that Geraldo. He said he loves that he has these opinions. Robin said she's sad that he's the only one who is listening to everything. She said that he can sit down with a guy who he doesn't agree with. Howard said Robin will end up in bed with him yet. Robin said sure.
Howard said he has two guys sitting in named David and Brad today. He said they donated to the North Shore Animal League.
Howard said these guys love animals and made a contribution. Howard asked where they're from. They are from Chicago. They were on the show before and donated again to get in there. Howard said they must have liked it. They said when they were there last time Gwyneth was there. They were locked in a room until she was gone. Howard asked if they're Ronnie fans. They said they are. They met him when they came in. Howard said they didn't meet the Ronnie on the air though.
Howard asked if the guys are into girls. They said they are and they're married. Howard said they're typical listeners and he wonders what they think about that dildo talk. One of the guys said that they appreciate the honesty. He said it's hard to get information out of some of the guys like JD but not Ronnie. Howard said you know JD did some weird shit in the past. He won't talk about that now.
Howard said the guys must do well to be able to come in there. They said they bought Sirius stock back in 2015 when Benjy was kicked out of the studio and it's gone up 55 percent. Howard asked how much they bought. They said it was enough to get in there. Howard asked if he should fire Benjy. One of the guys said that he is a Benjy fan but his brother isn't so much. Howard asked the guys not to stare at Robin's chest today. Robin said that could be considered harassment just saying that. Howard said Robin said in her book that many men never even see her face.
Howard said Benjy was hurt that the guys ignored him in the hallway. He said that's a true story. One of the guys said his son is named Benjamin and he doesn't like it when people call him Benjy. Howard said Benjy isn't the super star he thinks he is.
Howard said Gary gave him a note about these guys and said that one had curly hair and the other didn't. He said they both have curly hair. He said it would be cool if he knew who was who. He said they didn't give shirt color or something like that. He said that Gary has worked there how many years and he doesn't know better. Howard said he's looking at them and they both have the same hair.
Howard asked Gary how he can do this. Gary said he didn't write the note. He said he didn't see the guys. He said he ran it past 3 people and they all agreed it would work for Howard. Howard said he's blaming everyone else but he was the one who handed him the note. Howard said they both have curly hair. Howard asked if Gary looked at the note and thought it would work. Gary said he would say that one has curlier hair than the other. Gary said they also put them in order. He said the one on the left is the first one. Howard asked how he would know that. He ended up singing lines about Gary messing up to the tune of the riff from Aqualung. Howard did that for a minute and then did a live commercial read.
Howard continued to goof on Gary after the commercial. Howard said he's talking to the guys and he still doesn't know which one is David. Howard said it would be cool if he knew which one was which. They said they are brothers. Howard said one is wearing blue and the other is green. He said he would have gone for that. Howard said Gary threw the other guys right under the bus too. He said he might need to change his cabinet. He said he's lucky they're out of time.
Howard said the guys like it when he goofs on Gary. They said they do and it's the best part of the show. Howard said that one of the guys had darker hair too. He could have gone with that. Howard did his Gary voice and goofed on him a little longer.
Howard said he wants to put a picture of these guys up and ask how they would differentiate them. Howard had Jason in there to take the picture. Howard asked Jason how they can tell which one has curly hair. Jason said one is curlier but they are kind of sitting far away. He said Gary didn't take that into account.
Howard had Jason take that picture to put up on the web site. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news asking Howard what her favorite day at school was. Howard said it might be Bra Day but that doesn't exist. Howard said he thought that every day was her favorite because she wasn't home with her parents. Robin said that was a bonus. She said that her favorite day was red cross day. She said today is red cross day. She said she loved getting that pin. Robin spent a little more time talking about that.
Howard said he never gave a shit about red cross day. He didn't know it existed. Howard said Robin says ''pin'' like ''pen.'' Howard said someone wrote in about her saying the word ''water'' wrong. Howard had Robin say it. She said it right so he gave up on that whole thing. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. The guy had a deep and whispering voice so they goofed on that for a short time.
Robin read a story about a woman who killed some kids who were in her charge and she's saying that it was Satan who told her to kill them. She said that she had a black shadow following her around too.
Robin said we have a new organ. She said it has to do with the distribution of water in our bodies. Robin said it's called the Interstitium. Robin said it may be the way that cancer gets around the body.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to call bullshit on Geraldo. Howard and the caller spent a little time talking about that. Howard said he likes Geraldo. He said he's an interesting guy.
Robin read a story about Corey Feldman who has been hospitalized by a man in a revenge attack according to him. Robin said he tweeted some photos of himself in the hospital and he claims his bodyguards were distracted when he was stabbed. Howard said he heard that there were no stab wounds. Robin said that she has that update. She said there is no evidence of a laceration. Robin said he was admitted to the hospital in stable condition. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Gary said that Benjy is going to be doing a movie today and he wanted to run some stuff by him. Howard said he wants to go home. He said he thinks he's doing Sharknado 6 today. Gary said he just wants to know if he can yell out Baba Booey or ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said of course he can. Gary said that he just told Benjy he can't go in and he asked if he can go in. He said he had to tell him no.
Robin read a story about R. Kelly who has someone claiming that he trained a 14 year old to be his sex slave. Robin said that's going to be in a documentary that's coming out. Howard said he doesn't know any of his music. Robin said he does know some of his music. Fred said he was trying to find some. Robin said this woman claims that she met this 14 year old who was a sex slave. Fred found an R. Kelly song to play. Howard didn't know it. He said there's a lot going on in it. Fred had some Ronnie sex talk clips in there.
Robin read a story about Harvey Weinstein and a woman who claims that he was supposed to have counseling and she never followed up to see if he was going. Robin said that he told her that everything she did was pointless when she saw him again.
Robin said Walmart is pulling Cosmo magazine from their shelves. Robin said that one of the heirs of the company is fighting against the magazine sand taking money from her family to do it. Robin said that she is part of the family that owns the magazine. Robin said she claims that the magazine harms minors. Howard said that Jesus told him he likes Cosmo.
Robin read a story about S.E. Cupp saying that Melania should leave Trump and not make the same mistake that Hillary made. Howard said he has Donald on the phone to talk about Stormy Daniels. Howard had fake Trump clips on the line to talk about that. They did that bit for a few minutes. Robin had some audio of Sarah Huckabee Sanders talking about Stormy Daniels. She didn't have anything to say about it. Robin had a few other clips of her answering questions. Howard did an impression of Sarah answering questions too.
Robin read a story about a hospital fertility clinic losing a lot of people's eggs and they had a spokesperson explaining the problem. Howard said that guy is no Sarah Sanders. He did an impression of what she would have said. Robin said that they lost 4,000 eggs because a temperature alarm had been turned off.
Gary let Howard know that the poll about the guy's in the studio is showing that he's right by 90 percent. Howard said that's fake news. Gary said over 1000 people have voted and 90 percent say that he was right about their hair. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked if he has to wait for that 12 inch sex toy review. Howard said he will do it on Monday with Ronnie in the studio.
Robin read a story about the Facebook privacy rules and how they say that they're listening to people through their phones too.
Robin read a story about 2 pilots that claim they saw a UFO. Robin said they say it was at 40,000 feet and it was a big reflection. Robin had some audio of the air traffic controller talking about that. Howard said if there are aliens why are they hiding? He said we're alone and just get used to that. Robin said they say it could have been a weather balloon. Howard said aliens aren't going to come all the way here to hide.
Robin said they're going to give access to beer sales at an axe throwing event. Howard said he should try that. He said that it would be good when he doesn't have a gun.
Robin read a story about Jethro Tull celebrating their 50th anniversary. That led to Howard doing his Aqualung line reciting after Fred plays the riff.
Robin read a story about some John Lennon doll that's coming out. Robin said you'll be able to change his outfits. Howard said he must be rolling over in his grave.
Robin said that the lawyer for DMX wants to play some of his songs at his sentencing. Robin said that the music may help the court understand his problems. Howard played some of his song ''My Niggaz'' while they were talking about that.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.