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Howard started the show talking about how great it is to be there on a Monday morning. He said all the broadcasters want to be there. He said they all laughed when they said they'd never laugh. Howard said now they have 32 million people with them. Howard had Ronnie laughing and a song parody with Ronnie's laugh in it.
Howard said that Ronnie was laughing like a maniac last week. He said he got like 50 Ronnie songs after that. He said they put his laugh into songs. Howard played a couple of those song parodies. They had Ronnie laughing in Pink Floyd's ''Brain Damage'' and other songs.
Howard said Ronnie was tweeting up a storm over the weekend about how Shuli is a back stabber. Gary said Ronnie was goofing on Shuli about taking time off for paternity leave. He was asking if he had to breast feed. Gary said he also retweeted a picture of Shuli as a man breast feeding. Howard played a ''Hollywood Mund'' song parody after that.
Howard said that was a fun week. He said he got a lot of email about Ronnie and his big movie part on the Adam Sandler movie. Howard said people want more Ronnie. He said Shuli did an excellent job of covering that day on the movie set. Howard said now there's a huge feud between Ronnie and Shuli. Robin asked why Ronnie is upset. Howard said he thinks Shuli is a back stabber. Robin asked what Shuli did. Howard said he thinks it's just shtick. He said he didn't have a problem with Shuli last week.
Ronnie came in and said he wasn't mad at Shuli last week. He said that he remembered that month he took off for paternity leave. He said his wife was doing everything when he was off. Ronnie said he was there busting his balls for taking a couple of hours off. He said he was annoyed with Shuli. He said someone reminded him about Shuli taking time off. He said that's when he went off on Shuli. He said he just got annoyed. Howard said Ronnie is kind of like Trump. He said he sits around and gets annoyed by stuff when people tell him.
Howard said that they did ask Shuli to follow Ronnie around. Ronnie said no one asked him to do that. Howard said he did. He said he's like Rowdy Ronnie Piper now. He said he's really annoyed by Shuli.
Howard said Shuli is late this morning. He's stuck on the train. Gary said he just got a note saying he's stuck in the train about 4 blocks away. He's on his way to work though. Howard said he should get there a little early. Robin said he was stuck for 20 minutes and he can't make it to work on time. Robin said he must be cutting it too close. Howard said now Ronnie has him on the ropes. HE's showing up late to work.
Howard said Shuli just lost his argument. Howard asked what he did this weekend. Ronnie said he went to dinner a couple of times. Ronnie said he's going to Vegas on Sunday. He said he's hosting the exotic dancer awards.
Ronnie said there's some magazine out there that you can get called Exotic Dancer magazine. He wasn't sure where you can get it. Howard said all of the magazines are going out of business but not that one. Fred did his Ronnie impression and said that he calls that the Twat Gazette.
Howard said Ronnie is mad that they're sending Wolfie out there to cover him. Ronnie said he'd like someone he likes to come out there with him. He said that he'd rather have someone like Memet out there. Howard said Memet will have a breakdown if you ask him anything. He said he needs someone to break balls. Ronnie said he knows how to break balls. Howard said not like Wolfie.
Howard said Ronnie is going to share a room with Wolfie. Howard said Stephanie is going to have her own room. Ronnie said that's not happening.
Ronnie said he was supposed to host a bikini contest but now he's the co-host of the thing. He said Stephanie is going to be a judge. Howard said it would be funnier to have Ronnie host it. Ronnie said he will go out and break balls instead. Howard said imagine that. He said Ronnie is going to break balls. He said Wolfie is going to observe him. He said he's his Jane Goodall. Ronnie didn't know who that was. Howard said she used to observe apes in the jungle.
Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Ronnie and coming up with crazy stuff Ronnie could say about Jane Goodall.
Howard said Ronnie has a sex tip for the solar eclipse. He played the clip and Ronnie was talking about taking your lady to the roof of your building and taking ice cubes to put on her clit so you can lick it and suck it while she's getting hot from the sun. He said that's called the Solar E-clits.
Howard said Ronnie had that all wrong because the sun is being blocked by the moon so she wont be getting hot. Howard said the eclipse might not last long enough to do that. Robin said it goes for like an hour or so. Howard said that's going to take a lot of time to do what Ronnie was talking about.
Howard said that's very New York centric. He said not everyone lives in a building. He said that's mostly in New York City. Howard said he bets Ronnie came up with that on his own. Robin said she doesn't think so. Ronnie told her to go fuck herself.
Howard did his Ronnie voice talking about taking the subway during the eclipse so you don't go blind while the eclipse is happening.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's on team Ronnie and not Shuli. He said that Shuli is late. Howard said that's true that Ronnie is never late. Howard said Shuli just got there if anyone cares. Ronnie said no one cares.
Shuli came in and said it took Ronnie 5 days to get mad at him. He said that it was actually 4. Howard said he wasn't upset with him on Wednesday. Shuli said that was 7 years ago that he took the month off. Ronnie asked what he did to help his wife. Shuli asked what he did to help his wife. Ronnie said he doesn't have a wife. He had one but not anymore. He said he did help her. Shuli said he can't imagine him changing a diaper. Shuli said he hasn't known a good dad who has Playboy mud flaps. Ronnie asked what that has to do with it. Howard said in his defense he changes his own diaper now.
Ronnie said that Shuli thought it was funny to tape him walking up stairs. Howard said that was pretty funny. Howard asked if Shuli was shocked about him tweeting about him. Shuli said not at all. He said he told Ronnie to have some respect because Jerry Lewis died and he was younger than him. Howard said that's pretty funny. Ronnie said it's not that funny.
Howard said Ronnie is mad at Shuli now. Ronnie said he's not mad. He was just annoyed. Robin asked why he keeps making that distinction. Howard said he's not sure what the difference is. Ronnie said he didn't do half the shit that Shuli said he did.
Ronnie said he did Cougar Town and Limitless and he was fine with his lines. He said on this one he had one word. He said he did just fine with that too after messing it up once. Shuli asked if he nailed it every time after the one screw up. Ronnie said they did it in rehearsal and he messed it up. He said when they filmed it he messed it up once. Shuli said there were third and fourth times. Ronnie said there were not other takes that he screwed up. Ronnie said it wasn't him. Howard asked if he's annoyed with him saying that. Ronnie said he's fucking lying.
Shuli said his wife had some problems with postpartum depression so he stayed home with her on this second kid. Shuli said he was there to make sure she didn't lose her mind like every woman who is with Ronnie.
Howard said he knew he was going to be annoyed with Shuli. He said Shuli even predicted it. Ronnie said fuck him. Shuli brought up how Ronnie said ''Mund'' to the woman when he was checking in. Ronnie asked what the big deal was with that. Shuli said he said it at least 3 times. He did an impression of Ronnie saying that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Shuli is hilarious as Tan Mom. Ronnie said he does one thing. Howard had Shuli do his Tan Mom voice. He had the woman on the phone cracking up.
Howard said Ronnie did a voice over for a cartoon in 2013 and he messed up a lot. Ronnie said they wanted a lot of different takes for that. Howard had some audio from that recording session. They had Ronnie doing his lines and messing up a bunch of times. He kept repeating his line ''Hey you with the freak show of a chin...'' They had him messing up some other lines that he was repeating.
Shuli said he takes back what he said. He said he nailed it every time. Howard played more of the lines he was repeating. Howard said the guy said that Beetlejuice is easier to work with. Ronnie said yeah, he's the only one who ever fucks up. He said actors never fuck up. Howard and Fred were doing impressions of Ronnie screwing up his lines.
Ronnie said people screw up. He said when he screws up it's like the world came to an end. Howard and Fred were making up lines that Ronnie could have screwed up. Fred said they call him 300 take Ronnie.
Ronnie said they never call Shuli for voice over. Shuli said he did a couple of shows. He said he did Brickleberry and another one.
Howard and Fred were doing more lines that Ronnie could have messed up. Shuli said he has people tweeting him about the movie that Ronnie did and they have Ronnie listed as Pallbearer #5. Ronnie said it's more of a part than he'll ever have. Ronnie said Shuli took off 30 days to play Xbox at home. He said he could have worked at home or something. Shuli said he would know what he did at home. Ronnie said they know he just played games at home. He could have been writing.
Howard played more song parodies about Ronnie. Ronnie said he knows that his phone will keep ringing and Shuli's won't ever ring for jobs like that. Howard and Fred were still making stuff up that Ronnie could have fucked up in the voice over recording session.
Howard played the voice over clip again and Shuli asked if he could say the line now. Ronnie said he can't remember what the line was. He said he spent all of 35 minutes there for that. Robin said he gives people his money's worth. Howard said he's available for all kinds of work.
Ronnie said he wrote a song for Robin too. Shuli said he was rude toward Robin last week telling her to shut the fuck up. Howard asked what song he wrote for Robin. Ronnie said it's for the eclipse. Howard said it's not produced yet. Howard said he can go yell at them for not getting it ready. Ronnie said he heard it and it was done. Howard said maybe he's perfecting it.
Shuli asked if they give Ronnie that line now can he do it. Howard gave it to him and Ronnie repeated it. They had him saying ''tetherball tool bag.'' Howard had Shuli do it as Tan Mom. He did that and had Robin and Howard laughing.
Howard said Ronnie is going to hate having Wolfie with him on Sunday. Ronnie said he's going to get him thrown out. Shuli said Ronnie is going to miss him out there. Shuli said if he thinks he's annoyed now... Ronnie said he'll just have him thrown out.
Howard played a song parody that Ronnie did about Robin. They had him singing about Robin putting her pussy two lips on his cock.
Howard replayed the song and said this is Ronnie and Stephanie's wedding song. Shuli was announcing him like he was at the wedding. Ronnie said he just did that song like 10 minutes ago. He said he did it in 30 seconds. Howard said the best songs are recorded in 30 seconds. Robin said he always says that.
Ronnie said that Shuli is jealous of him. He said he gets to follow him around like his little man and cover it. Shuli said there was nothing that made him happier than seeing Ronnie up there with Chris Rock, Adam Sandler and all of those guys.
Howard asked Ronnie how he says the word tickling. Ronnie said it and it was fine. Howard said he heard that he had problems with it. Ronnie said this never ends. Howard had Ronnie singing a Happy Days song parody. He was messing up words in that song.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is becoming the Ronnie show. He said it used to be the Memet show and now it's the Ronnie show. Howard said it's so entertaining to him. The caller said Ronnie is not entertaining. He said Shuli is. Ronnie said he's a scream.
Howard said he wasn't going to have him in there but it just happened. Shuli said it was great when they had Letterman on and Robin said she could only think about Ronnie on the set of that movie. Ronnie said that it's so much ball busting. Shuli said he's crying about it but everyone takes it there. Ronnie said Shuli took 30 days off of work for no reason. Shuli said that was 7 years ago. Ronnie said it doesn't matter.
Ronnie asked why he was late this morning. Shuli said it was the MTA that had problems. He said he got off and took a cab to work.
Howard took a call from Bobo and Ronnie said he's another asshole. He said he can take his driving test and shove it up his ass. Bobo said he was complaining about his van driver and he's doing the same stuff as that driver. Ronnie said he doesn't know what he does. He said he's just breaking his balls.
Howard said it would be so good if he took a test with Bobo. Howard said let him do it. Ronnie asked why it's interesting. Howard said it would be funny to hear that. Ronnie asked when he last drove in Manhattan. Bobo said he has been driving for a long time. Bobo said Ronnie didn't have a Class 1 license. Ronnie said he gave his up. Bobo said he still has his. Ronnie said he didn't need it anymore. Bobo said you don't give it up unless you're never going back to it. Ronnie said he didn't need it.
Howard said it sounds like he's feuding with everyone. He said that maybe these guys are jealous. Ronnie said he never brings it up to anyone. He said he never says boo about it. Shuli goofed on him for saying that. Howard said that is an old saying.
Howard asked who Ronnie would save on a sinking ship if it was Wolfie or Shuli. Ronnie said that he would save Shuli in a second. He said Wolfie is a ball breaker. Howard said Wolfie is going to follow him around out in Vegas. Ronnie said he's not flying on the plane with him. Howard said he should be on the plane. Ronnie said it's too late. Shuli said he should be sitting right next to him. Howard had Gary book Wolfie on the plane with him. Ronnie said he's not telling him what plane he's taking. Howard said he should have Wolfie fly the plane.
Howard said that Ronnie gave up that class 1 license because he never wants to back to driving a truck. Ronnie said he's never doing that again.
Howard played more of Ronnie fucking up the song parody he did this morning. Shuli said he thought that was one take. Ronnie said it was like 30 seconds.
Howard was going to let Bobo go but he still wants to do the driving test thing with Ronnie. Ronnie said he'd like to evaluate Bobo in his driving. Bobo said he has over a million miles. Ronnie said he's supposed to be so great. He said he doesn't write down how many miles he's done. He said Bobo writes down every mile.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Exotic Dancer magazines is just celebrating their 20th anniversary. Ronnie said it's 25 years so he didn't do very good research. The caller said the subscription link was broken. Ronnie asked what he wants him to do about that. He said that he's just working for them.
Shuli said he's so angry at the guy. Ronnie said he was just correcting what he said. The caller asked what goes on out there for 4 days. Ronnie said they have a lot of stuff going on. Howard said he's hosting the welcoming party too. Ronnie said he was told what he'd be doing out there. Shuli asked what he'll be doing. Ronnie said he's going to be making a speech that he'll write on the plane. Howard said he's going to be mingling out there too. Ronnie said he's been around the industry a long time so that's why he's going to be out there.
Howard said he was supposed to be a judge or something. Ronnie said no. He said the next night he's co-hosting a bikini contest at the Hard Rock. He said it's open to everyone, not just the dancers.
The caller asked who he's going to mention the broken subscription link to. Ronnie said he knows the owner.
Howard asked if the bikini contest is all about looks. Ronnie said they have questions too. He said he's not writing them though. Howard, Fred and Shuli were making up questions that he could ask. Ronnie said he's going to see Mary Carey there too. He said she's an old friend of the show. Howard said she was a nice girl.
Howard asked who he's going to be welcoming to the party. Ronnie said he has ideas for what he's going to say but he's not going to say them here. Howard said he's going to be busy out there. Gary asked if he's giving the key note address or hosting the awards. Ronnie said he's not hosting. He said he's going to be at the bikini contest and he'll be co-hosting with Mary Carey.
Howard and the guys were making up more stuff for Ronnie to talk about there at the awards. Ronnie said that Gary was offered a seminar there. He said that they have all of these seminars out there. Gary said they have one about smartphones and marketing on the phones. He had a bunch of other seminars listed. Howard said maybe Gary had some dignity and turned that down.
Shuli said that Ronnie was all baffled about Gary turning that down. Ronnie said he wasn't baffled. He said they wanted Gary to talk because he's a big producer of the show and he has helped bring it to where it is. Howard asked what they wanted Gary to talk about. Gary didn't remember. He said he just knew he wouldn't be around.
Howard said Wolfie is going to have his hands full with this one. He said that Wolfie will be there. Ronnie said he might not be. Howard said this is good and he has so much to do. Ronnie said he could have him extracted.
Robin asked when this is happening. Ronnie said Sunday night is when it all starts. He said then on Monday there's something he forgot. He said Tuesday is the actual award show. He said Monday he has to be at the expo. He said they have booths there. He said they have all kinds of stuff that they sell there like furniture for the clubs and dress companies and things like that. Howard said it's anything to do with the stripping business. Ronnie said that's right. He said they sell shoes and computer companies and stuff are there. Ronnie said he'll be hanging out at the Rick's booth. He said Rick's owns the magazine.
Howard asked if he'll show off his tattoos out there. He said he loves doing that. Ronnie said that he has shirts that show them off. He said he has some shirts he can wear. Shuli asked if he has ever cut the sleeves off. Ronnie said Howard used to wear those shirts. Howard said Ronnie has super hairy arms. Ronnie said he does not. He said he has to groom it but he doesn't have hair like that. Howard said he doesn't have to groom his arms. Howard said he has hair he just leaves on his arms.
Howard said he used to go to the tattoo place and they had to shave off his hair. Ronnie said he doesn't have to do that anymore. Howard said he used to look like a Sasquatch. He said they used to say ''Bring your Wookie back here.'' Howard said they also had to work around his moles. Ronnie said it was one mole.
Robin said she wants to know what his speech is going to be about. Ronnie said he was going to tell it but Shuli pissed him off. Howard asked if he'll write an outline. Ronnie said most of it will be off the cuff. Ronnie said he's making a speech at the opening night party, not at the expo.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he could listen to this all day long. Howard said he wasn't going to have them in but he got caught up in it. The caller said he can't get enough of this. He said it's magical when Fred and Howard get into that.
Howard did a recap of what happened between Ronnie and Shuli. Howard said that Ronnie is annoyed with Shuli. He said he will talk to him in the hall. Shuli said he has no choice. Howard said they both did an excellent job. Howard said on Sunday Ronnie is going to the exotic dancer awards. Howard said they're celebrating 25 years. Howard said Ronnie is pissed at Shuli for saying that he got his word wrong in the movie. Ronnie said he didn't get it wrong, he said it at the wrong time. They had audio of him saying the timing was wrong.
Howard said Wolfie will be covering Ronnie out in Vegas. Ronnie said he doubts that. He said he'll get him kicked out. Howard asked who he is to get him kicked out. Ronnie just laughed. Howard said he better not get word that he fucked with him. Ronnie was laughing like a mad man. Howard said they're going to change it so he's on the plane with Ronnie too. Ronnie said that's not happening. He said the flight is sold out. Howard said they'll get him on there.
Howard said that they're going to have Wolfie covering it all out there. He said that that's where they're at. Howard said they also had audio of Ronnie screwing up ''Tether ball tool bag.'' Howard said that they also have to have Bobo give Ronnie a driving test.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression. Howard said this is another lunatic. Howard said he's so bad. Howard had to hang up on him. He said he's on the phone for like an hour and then he puts him on and he's like a lunatic. He said he thinks his parents take away his phone.
Gary said he was out in front of the building last week and he heard Sour make his ''Ooo'' sound out there. He said he saw him hiding behind a pole and he just ran off.
Howard said he was going to do a Jerry Lewis obituary first thing but he got sidetracked. Ronnie said he has plenty of time since they don't have a guest today. Howard said he could listen to this for 4 hours. He said that Ronnie has been in there for an hour and Shuli for 4 minutes since he showed up late. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said he watched Growing Up Evancho. He said that was great. He said that her brother became a girl and she looks very girly but hasn't perfected the voice yet. Howard said Jackie Evancho's dad is managing her and he's talking about all of the sacrifices he made for that.
Howard said he watched a show called ''growing up Super Model'' and it's about kids who aren't all that hot but their parents were. Howard said some of them are even overweight. Robin said she saw some of that and one of the girls was trying to emulate her mom but she looked nothing like her.
Howard said watching TV makes him feel good. He said he thinks he should be doing something more important but who cares. He said he could be painting or something. He said he could be producing art.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about hate groups and if they should be arrested like terrorists. Howard said they are terrorists. Howard said they did a special on Vice about Neo-Nazis and they're all tough guys but one guy had an arrest warrant out for him and he's crying. Howard said these guys are unbelievable. He said they're tough talking Nazis until they get in trouble. Howard said there's another guy who was outed and he's crying about it too. He said that's why they used to wear hoods. Howard said this is so repugnant because so many Americans died over fighting Nazis.
Howard said Michael Rapaport did a whole rant about the white nationalists. Howard played some of that rant. Rapaport was goofing on them and how they're all fucking losers with nothing better to do on a Friday night.
Howard said that Michael was upset about getting kicked out of the fantasy football league. He said they actually voted him back in. Howard had a clip of Gary calling Michael and letting him know he's back in. Gary asked if he had anything nice to say to him after letting him back in. Michael said ''Fuck you.'' He said he's not thanking him for anything.
Howard said he thins he was just busting his balls. Howard said they voted in Brent and Sal and Richard are playing as one guy. Robin asked if you even have to follow football. Gary said Sal knows nothing but Richard follows it. Howard said he continues not to give a shit about it. He said he doesn't get fantasy football at all.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Howard was on the Scott Shannon show. Howard said yeah. Mariann actually stopped talking for a second. Mariann asked Howard if he's going to do the Kimmel show when he's in town. She said that they get a little piece of him from time to time. Howard said it's hard to talk when she's on. Howard hung up on her.
Howard said his wife was being interviewed by Scott Shannon about the clearing the shelters thing. Howard said the kittens they had born in their house all left over the weekend so they have empty nest syndrome. Howard said Beth went and met with the people who were adopting the kittens. He said that Beth came back saying that she hopes the kids will be gentle with them. Howard said he gets nuts over that too. He said that the kittens were in the house for 9 or 10 weeks and he gets attached. Howard said he gets crazy over it.
Howard said Scott Shannon is an animal lover apparently. He said he has Beth on and they're number one in terrestrial there in New York. He said he went on for like 2 seconds. Howard said he did a Beth impression. He said he didn't want to hijack her interview. Howard said they wanted to hear from Beth anyway.
Howard said Mariann was on the Home Shopping Network saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' recently. Howard had a clip of Mariann doing her thing. She did the ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and got out a shout out for Howard too.
Howard said that they don't even know what Mariann is talking about in that call. Howard said Mariann asked something else. Robin said that she was asking if he's going to do Kimmel's show and Letterman. Howard said he hopes Jimmy doesn't ask him to do his show. Howard said he doesn't want to do any of these shows. Howard said whenever he does searches on Google they seem to know it's him and they show him stuff about himself. Howard said he wants to go home and relax but all of this stuff shows up with his name. Howard said he's done it all and he doesn't need to do them anymore.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she adopted a kitten from Beth yesterday. She said that the kids are fine with the cat. Howard said they put so much work into these kittens. Howard said he told Beth not to give kittens to anyone with little kids. Howard said they start choking them. The caller said they have them in their own area and they'll be fine. Howard said don't let them outside. Howard asked how they're going to keep them in. She said that they will keep them in and she has had cats before. She said she'll do as good a job as Howard and Beth hopefully. Howard said he heard about the kids being all hopped up and he was worried. Howard said they spent so much time with the kittens. He said he's watching her. Howard let her go and said don't let them touch the cats until they're 50.
Howard said his wife is a do-gooder but it puts her in touch with the public. Howard said he told her not to give the cats to people with little children. He said he's so into these cats. He said he doesn't want anything bad to happen with them. Howard said he kind of wants to keep them all but he can't. He doesn't want to be a hoarder. Robin said it sounds like that woman knows what she's doing.
Howard said one person wrote to Beth saying their cat got outside and they haven't seen it. Howard said he's not sure why they'd do that. Howard said they wrote it like they wanted them to come up and look for the cat. Howard said they have their own shit going on. Howard said people ask them to help place their cat when they move. Howard said it's their responsibility. He said people drive him crazy.
Howard said they do want to save these animals. He said that he doesn't like when there are young kids around and they might step on them. Robin said cats survive. Howard said he has no faith in humanity. He said especially with the KKK and all of that. Robin said people seem to like animals more than people. Howard said he's like that. He said he loves Planet of the Apes because they teach humanity a lesson.
Howard said he loves the apes and what they did. Robin said he should see Kong. Howard said he's not sure he wants to own it. Robin said there is no reason to save the Baywatch movie. Howard said he has friends who watch movies over and over again. He said Ralph is one. He said that he watches maybe once or twice but that's it. Howard asked when Wonder Woman is coming out on DVD. Robin said she's not sure. Howard said he wants to see Spider-Man too. He said that Richard bought that King Kong movie. Howard said that figures. He said he won't even talk to Richard in the morning anymore. He said he just talks about his drinking over the weekend. He said that he's like a 3 year old with his drinking. Howard said get that shit under control. He said Richard's wife is pregnant. He said he's going to be a dad soon.
Gary said he thinks he's getting better. He said that Richard ordered some special beer and had it shipped to Will's house and he had to lug them in for Richard. Howard said he has to grow up. Howard said it gets him crazy.
Howard said he gets having a few drinks. He said that when you pee in a diaper that's insane. He said he's too old for that. Howard said Richard talks about drinking Champagne and how he has to take the subway so he can drink. Howard said it becomes so unattractive at some point.
Howard asked Richard how many drinks he had this weekend. Richard came in a few minutes later and said he had a few. He said he was sipping. Howard said to be so into beer is weird. Richard said they make a lot of good stuff. He said there are a lot of craft beers out there. Howard asked if he could stop for a weekend. Richard said he could but he doesn't have to. Robin said he's so red this morning. Richard said he has to go to the dermatologist a lot. He said he has had stuff removed from his face. He said they found pre-cancerous stuff on his face.
Richard said when he was a kid he didn't wear sunscreen. He said he has a to of freckles that they have to watch that a lot. Howard said then he goes in the sun and gets more. Richard said he has sunscreen and he uses an umbrella. He said it's funny because it's him and Asian ladies who carry the umbrella. Robin asked how he got so red if he did all of that. Richard said he's embarrassed from them ragging on him.
Richard thanked will for bringing in the beer. Howard said he has to grow up. Richard said he hasn't been wheeled off a plane in 10 years. Howard told him to go back to his office. Richard said he got everyone out of the office with a fart last week. Howard said he heard about that. He doesn't care. Richard said he thought Howard would yell at him about that. Howard told him to calm down over there. He said he has to take a break and do his obituary kind of thing. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that's a good cover. He said that's Billy Corgan. He asked if that's what he did on their show. Fred said it's on an album. Howard said he loves that guy. He said he knows he's overlooked a lot. Howard said Billy isn't given enough respect. Howard said he's a good song writer. Howard asked if he was recognized by the rock and roll Hall of fame. Fred said he doesn't think so. Howard said he's so good.
Howard said he was working out the other day. He said he's so out of shape. He said he's been lifting and whenever he lifts over 10 pounds everything hurts. Howard said he has a home gym and he put on Lithium on Sirius. Howard said the DJ Madison started talking to him while he was working out. He said she was talking about him and said she knew he was listening. He said it was weird. He said the guys found the rap she did. Howard said it was something about how he's a fan of Sponge. He said Madison was saying that she knew he was listening and Sponge was playing somewhere. He said he thinks she was asking him on a date. Howard said it was very odd. Howard said it was like 2001 A Space Odyssey. Howard said it was like that with her talking to him.
Howard played a clip of Madison talking about him on Lithium. She was talking about taking him to a Sponge show in Indianapolis. Howard said he knows she's listening now so he's going to tell her that he's not going there. Howard said he's not sure what song it was. Fred played their song ''Plowed'' that he likes. Howard said this song does get him but he's not going to see them perform in Indiana. Howard said this song really gets him. He said that he could break down crying over this song. He said he doesn't want to get into it.
Howard played more of Madison talking about the Sponge show. Howard said he just cares about that one song they do. Howard said he's not sure he likes anything else they do. Howard said he'd have to sit and wait for that one song. Howard said he thought he was going crazy when he heard the radio talking to him. He said that it was telling him to go see Sponge.
Howard thanked Madison for the invitation but he's not going. Howard said music depresses him and that's the kind of music he likes. He said he has to feel something. Howard said Trent Reznor sang about how he cut himself so he could feel. Howard said the defenses he has put up can only get cut through by music. Fred played some of that Nine Inch Nails song ''Hurt'' he was talking about. Howard said that's the coolest song ever. Howard said that guy is fucking awesome. Robin said she thinks they're going out on tour again. Howard said there is no anything else. It's just Trent Reznor.
Howard said Jerry Lewis died and ruined it for Dick. Howard said just think about what was going on in the 60s with comics. Howard said Dick was so witty. Howard said the guy had so many great jokes. He said he had balls and he was funny.
Howard said there weren't a lot of bits online but he remembers a lot of his stuff. Howard said he had a snow shoveling bit that he used to do. Howard played a clip of Dick telling a joke about shoveling snow and his neighbor got out of her car and said ''Hey boy. You're doing a great job on these people's front.'' and then he said that if she only knew he'd lived there for 20 years.
Howard said that he's not sure what happened to Dick but he got into these conspiracy theories. Howard said he started talking about that stuff in his act. Howard played an example of him talking about the white people putting something in malt liquor. He said they put manganese in it and that can make you kill your mother.
Howard said he's right about lead poisoning. He said that you can't even remember your own name. Howard said they had Dick on the show once. He said he wasn't the funny guy anymore. He said he was a great guy though.
Howard said Jerry Lewis died and took all the attention from Dick. Howard said that's like that day when Farrah Fawecett and Michael Jackson died on the same day. Howard said that happened to Hank the Dwarf. He said that he died right around 9/11 and he was overshadowed by that.
Howard read some notes about him singing in Autotune and about some of the stories they told during the Letterman interview last week. Howard said he went home and started thinking about what he wanted to ask Dave. He said he had so much more. Howard said he thought of a million things. Howard said he needs Dave back in there. He told Gary to call him. He said Dave is way too modest. He said he acts like he was bad at stand up but he heard that he was great.
Howard said someone wrote in the email that both he and Dave get embarrassed when they talk about each other. Howard said he thinks that Dave is just being nice.
Howard said a couple of years ago he got a note from Jerry Lewis about his judging on America's Got Talent. Howard said it was kind of cool. He said that he was a fan of Jerry's. He said he never thought of him as a stand up comic. He said he was more like Lucille Ball. He said he was really talented and a great physical comedian. Howard said he was great as a bell hop or whatever. Robin said that he and Dean Martin used to team up and appear in clubs. Howard said that's right. He said you see that these days with Ronnie and Shuli.
Howard said that Jerry and Dean broke up because they were upset with the amount of screen time they were getting. Howard said that Jerry did his own solo movies and some people thought some of them were bullshit but others were genius. Howard said the Nutty Professor was genius. Howard said he was 91 years old and he died on the same day as Dick Gregory and fucked up Dick's death.
Howard said that Jerry raised 2.5 billion for the research into Muscular Dystrophy. Howard said they never found a cure though. Howard said he'd do that telethon every year. Howard said he must have had a weird relationship with his parents. He said they forced him into show business. Howard said any parents who do that are assholes.
Howard said in the 1950s Jerry became a big star. He said he and Dean Martin made 16 movies together. Howard said they should remember Jerry. He said he has some clips to play. Howard said Captain Janks called and got through as Larry King. Howard said Jerry was so ragged out about that. Howard played a clip of Jerry getting upset when they found out it wasn't really Larry. Janks asked what he thinks of Howard Stern the radio personality. Jerry said they do this show and it's life and death but you'll always get a schmuck out there.
Howard had Janks on the phone but he wasn't there. Howard said something is up with their phones. He said he presses down and nothing happens. He said then they pop on minutes later. Howard said he doesn't have Janks. Howard said maybe they were pranked.
Howard said the other thing was that Jerry's film ''The Day the Clown Died'' was about a clown who entertained the kids before they went into the ovens. Howard said they say there is a copy out there. Howard said he's sure it'll end up on the internet. Howard said he doesn't want to see it. Howard said they say it was one of the most misguided things. He said they say that he'd juggle for the kids to distract them.
Howard said a lot of women were upset with Jerry because he made some shitty comments about women not being funny. Howard said it's ridiculous. Howard said there are a lot of funny women.
Howard played a clip of an interview Jerry did where he talked about female comics and what he thinks about them. Jerry said he can't sit and watch a lady diminish her qualities to the lowest common denominators. Howard said that guy was angry. He said he wasn't a stand up comic and he thinks he was upset because he wanted to be witty and he wasn't.
Robin said listening to that Jerry you can't imagine that he was funny. Howard said that was Jerry at his worst. Howard said this is some obituary.
Howard had some audio of Jerry going off on his band leader on the telethon. Howard played that and Jerry went off on the guy for not being on cue. He said that he should ask him first when he gets a cue.
Howard said he doesn't think they ever donated to that charity. He said that it was kind of weird. Robin said what they would do is try to call and get on the air. Howard said they did do that. Howard said it was labor day and they had to work. He said that's why they take off so much time now. Gary said they had the Ramones on one day and they were going to bring Howard but then they told them not to come. Howard said they were going to cut away to the New York telethon and he was going to do it. He said he was going to stand there like one of the Ramones. Howard said word was given that if they showed up with him they weren't going to get on. Howard said he got kicked out. He said he was almost the 27th Ramone. Howard said that would have been so classic. He said he had the look. Howard said he looks like Joey and that's no treat.
Howard said he has a clip of Jerry getting pissed off at the hotel sponsor because their sign was blocking the view of the tote. Howard played a clip and Jerry said he'd give anything to see the tote but he can't see it because an advertisement was blocking it. Howard said he's so bitter.
Howard played a clip of Jerry getting upset about not being able to read ''One Republic'' when they were performing. He said he didn't have his glasses on and couldn't read it.
Howard said Jerry did an interview with the Hollywood Reporter and Jerry was so angry. Howard said this was even more angry than the stuff he just played. Howard said he was being interviewed and this was when he was like 90. Howard said Jerry was aggravated by everything. He said he thought the reporter was a douche and all of that. He said the interview is fantastic if you can find it on the internet. Howard said this just happened in December of last year. Howard played a clip of Jerry answering his questions with very short answers.
Howard said Jerry hated that kid. He even started making fun of the reporter's laugh. Howard played a clip of that. Jerry mocked his laugh when the guy laughed at something he said.
Howard said that was great. He said he heard Jerry's dog wore a dog tag and it said ''I love Jerry.'' He said he thinks that's funny and witty. Howard asked Robin if she wants more. Robin said she is enjoying this.
Howard said he has another clip of Jerry talking to that reporter. In that one Jerry was asked about working with people over the years and if he had anything to share. Jerry said ''Nope.'' He had nothing to share.
Howard said he can't wait to hit 90. He said he'll probably be like that too. Gary said he was reading about Jerry and they say that his father was a Broadway performer and he'd tell Jerry that he was nothing until he conquered Broadway. Howard said he actually did play on Broadway. Gary said it's always great to have your father tell you that you're nothing.
Howard asked if Gary was a Jerry Lewis fan. Gary said he wasn't the kind of guy who worshiped him. He said that he was a very bitter guy. Howard said this obituary is going so well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's doing really well with this obituary. Howard said Jerry did raise 2.5 billion for Muscular Dystrophy. Howard said he has his father who recorded a tribute to Jerry. Howard played his father singing ''You'll Never Walk Alone.''
Howard said they didn't have Autotune back then. He said that was beautiful. Howard said Jerry made a lot of people laugh and he raised a lot of money. Howard said that some of those movies were brilliant too. Robin said one for her. She said it was the Nutty Professor. Robin said she could have left out the rest. Howard said he liked a lot of the Martin and Lewis movies. Robin said she wasn't sure if he was playing a retarded person. Howard said there were some other good ones. Gary said he was great in the King of Comedy. Robin said that wasn't really a Jerry Lewis movie. Howard said he was in it.
Howard said rest in peace Jerry Lewis. He said he brought a lot of joy to people. Robin said to a lot of French people. Howard said that's right.
Howard said he's sure that the clown movie will get out now. Howard said Jerry came up with a lot of stuff for movies like videoing it while they were filming. Howard said he did like that he got a note from Jerry. He said unfortunately it was about America's Got Talent. Robin said she remembers Jerry trying to get his attention at a roast once but Howard ran out. Howard said he hated going to the roasts. He said he would rather see them edited on YouTube or on TV. He said he would have liked to have met with Jerry. He said he was a Jerry fan. Robin said he has said he liked Jerry. Howard said he realized he liked him when he got that note from him. He said he likes him so he liked him back.
Jeff said that it's all based on if he can get a permission slip. He said that he has to use oxygen so he has to get approval for that. Howard said Jeff is smoking again. Jeff said he's not. Howard said he heard he is. Howard said Shuli told him. Jeff said fuck Shuli.
Shuli came in and said that he did a film and this director came out to see Jeff. He said on the way up the director is filming his drive up and Jeff is on audio. Jeff said that he tore up his cigarettes. Howard said he's running out of oxygen talking about this. Shuli said that he saw a still of cigarettes in his ashtray when the guy was there. Jeff said he thinks he has him busted but he didn't do anything and he's going to look like a fool. Howard said that must be his COPD where Jeff runs out of oxygen. Howard said he hopes he goes out to do this film and it's gay porn.
Howard said he loves that Jeff hasn't read the script yet. Shuli was doing his impression of Jeff. Howard asked how he has no time to read a script. Jeff said they didn't send it to him. Robin asked if he knows who is in the movie. Jeff said no. Howard said this place is a movie star factory. He said he's the only one not making one. Shuli said it's the two of them.
Shuli said that Jeff tore up the cigarettes that the guy brought to him. Jeff said that's right. Shuli said he's tried to stop smoking too. He knows how tough it is. Jeff said he came home from the hospital and he had cigarettes in the house. He said he had two full packs in the house. He said he smoked as soon as he got home. He said he quit after that. He said he hasn't smoked since.
Howard had Jeff's Non-Cancerous Mouth Tumor on the phone. He picked up and the tumor was snoring. He said you might want to play his obituary package right now. Howard said he has a question for Jeff. Howard asked why he can't fly if he has oxygen. Jeff said he doesn't know. Howard said he might get on and he won't be able to get oxygen. Jeff said he guesses. Shuli said Eric the Actor had the same issue with oxygen. He didn't even smoke.
Howard said Jeff is asking for guidance and he's not taking the advice. Howard said Shuli should do his impression like he's on a Speakerphone. Shuli backed off microphone and did the impression. Howard said he should pick up the god damn phone. Jeff was on speaker. Howard said now he doesn't have to yell. Jeff said ''fuck you'' to Shuli. Howard said Jeff must be on Periscope. Jeff said he's not. He said there is no feedback. Howard said he fucked up the one job he has to call into the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jeff was smoking last Wednesday on periscope. Jeff said he hasn't smoked in over a week. Shuli said he knows he has quit before. He said he went almost 2 years. Howard said he sounds like he's back on speaker now. Jeff said he's not and cursed Howard out.
Howard said he thought Jeff was going to hang up but he hung in there. Howard said good for him. He said Jeff has to get permission now to fly. He said that he has to use that oxygen. Howard asked Shuli about having to push people like that around the airport. Jeff said he'll tip anyone who has to push him. He said he'll tip 20 bucks. Shuli said bullshit. Jeff said they don't fucking know him. Shuli said that 5 bucks is a good tip. He said it's fat people and handicapped people who will get pushed around.
Howard said Jeff has to stop smoking if he wants to live. Jeff is 50 now. Howard said he thought he was going to die when he had that thing on his ass. He said he has that lump on his neck too. Robin said now he can't lie down to sleep.
Howard asked who is going to die first, Jeff or High Pitch Erik. Shuli said he thinks it might be a photo finish. Howard asked Jeff how he uses the oxygen. Jeff said he has a tube he puts up his nose. Howard asked if he puts them up there himself. Jeff said he does. He said they go in about a quarter of an inch. Howard asked how that works. Jeff said it shoots oxygen out. Howard said he loves this.
Howard asked Jeff how long he keeps the tube up there. Jeff said it's all night. Howard said he can't be the only one asking him to repeat everything he says. Jeff said bullshit. Howard said there's oxygen all around us and they have to give Jeff more. He said he gets free oxygen plus they're paying for his oxygen. Howard said it's the one thing that's free and we have to pay for it. Howard said he has it right now but Jeff needs more. He said there's more than enough to go around but Jeff needs his own that tax payers are paying for. Howard said he's also getting oxygen from his trailer. Howard asked what an oxygen tank costs. Jeff said he doesn't fucking know. Jeff let out some weird noise. Howard said he heard that.
Howard said that Jeff doesn't pay for the oxygen. Jeff said that Medicaid pays for it. Howard asked where his tank is right now. Jeff said he has a little tank that he uses. Howard said it's a mini tank. Jeff said he can use that for small trips. Howard said it's like he lives on Mars. Howard goofed on Jeff about that.
Howard said Jeff is like an astronaut and you'd hear the ''2001 a Space Odyssey'' theme. Howard had Fred play that while they were talking about that. Howard said he should be able to walk around like a person but he has to bring his small tank with him. He said he's walking around like an astronaut. Howard asked how long that tank will last. Jeff said that tank lasts about 2 and a half hours.
Howard said it's amazing how Jeff has fucked up his life. Fred was playing breathing sounds. He had a Darth Vader sound and others. Howard asked if he can fill his little tank from the big one. Jeff said no. Howard asked how many tanks he has. Jeff said he has 5. Howard said he's like Matt Damon in the movie where he goes to Mars. Robin asked why Jeff doesn't grow plants like that guy did. Howard said they should have Jeff as Darth Curro or Darth Jeff the Drunk. Fred played more of Darth Vader's breathing sound. Howard had Shuli playing Jeff as Darth Jeff. Howard said it would be ''Tar Wars.''
Jeff said he's going on Twitter. He said he's showing his Oxygen tank. Howard said he doesn't care. He called him Puke Skywalker. Howard said he knows what that tank looks like because he's a tax payer and he paid for it. Howard said this is One Hand Solo. Howard asked when he's going to the doctor. Jeff said 1 o'clock today. He said he's not bringing a tank with him. Howard said that's crazy.
Howard and Shuli continued to goof on Jeff. Howard called him COPD-3PO. Howard said the guy is tethered constantly. He said he should go to Mars because he knows how to live there already. Howard said he has the air and he knows how to navigate. Howard said meanwhile aliens are going to come down and think he's a fellow alien.
Howard asked Jeff why he's going without oxygen. He said it seems like he should need it. Howard and Shuli continued to make fun of Jeff. They were goofing on his mumbling and all of that.
Howard asked how many times a day he grabs the oxygen. Jeff said never. Robin said he just needs it at night. Jeff uses it when he sleeps. Shuli asked if the breathing is tough for him at night. Jeff said he's afraid of dying. He said that's why he uses it.
Howard said when he sleeps he can't tell if he's alive or not. Howard was trying to talk to Jeff but he called him a fuck face. Howard said he's just trying to have a conversation there. Howard said he has to get going. He let Jeff go and told him to say his prayers at 1.
Howard said Richard went and bought those eclipse glasses. Howard said they say if you look at the eclipse you will go blind. Howard said that people could go blind. Howard said he's going to go inside and make sure he doesn't look outside. Shuli said there are a lot of people who are paranoid about that stuff.
Howard said that High Register Sean is worried about it. Howard said he sounds mental. Howard asked if Jeff can be quiet during this. Jeff stayed quiet. Howard said Sean left a message about this. Howard told Richard not to look at the eclipse. Howard said it's the moon blocking the sun. Big fucking deal. Howard said he's going to be on oxygen too.
Howard said that Richard just had to see the sun. He said that Richard was watching eclipse movies to prepare. Howard said he's not sure how you even know that they work properly. Howard asked who can be so stupid that they have to use them. Howard said that Pizza Hut has special boxes that can be converted. Howard said fuck Pizza Hut. Gary said they say the good ones are about 200 bucks and Richard's are 15 for $5. Howard asked why he'd risk it. Richard said it's worth it.
Howard asked Richard if he should be working this afternoon. Richard said he will be working until the eclipse. Howard said he guesses he's not essential during the eclipse. Howard did his impression of Richard talking about the eclipse. Howard said the glasses look like clown pieces of shit. Howard said he wouldn't even be outside during that eclipse. Howard said fuck you eclipse. Richard said he saw Haley's comet in 1986 and that was like the coolest thing he ever saw. Richard said some of those glasses are being given away for free. Howard said everything Richard sees is the coolest thing he's ever seen.
Howard said 3D glasses barely work at the movies so how do you know they're going to work. Howard said he has to be out of his fucking mind. He told Richard to get the fuck out of there. He said living blind is a great idea. He said it's not like it's a once in a lifetime thing. He said stare at your computer screen doing some work instead. Richard said he does that.
Howard told Richard that he would never look at the eclipse. Richard said he'll look at it for a little bit. Howard said he'll see it on CNN or MSNBC. Robin said one of the local channels is covering the whole thing. Howard said he'll see it get dark out. He said he stared out his window at midnight last night and it looked like an eclipse.
Jeff was still on the phone and pointed out that they're doing a lot about the eclipse. Howard moved on and played the High Register Sean clip. In the clip Sean told Howard that he has to cancel the show and get out of the city right now. He said it's going to be ''Eclipsealypse.'' He told him that the seismic activity under Yellowstone park has been going up over the past 14 months. He told Howard to get out now. Howard asked what Sean knows. Shuli said he has a shelter full of food and stuff. Howard said he has to take a break. He said they're yelling at him about being behind. Jeff said he'll let Howard know about what's going on. Howard let Jeff go after that and did a live commercial read. They went to break after that.
Howard had fake Angry Political Guy on the phone so he talked to him a little bit about how they really got him in that call. Fake Angry Political Guy went off on Howard too.
Howard played a man on the street interview where they asked people to talk about the Charlottesville march but in a baby voice. They had a woman telling the story and saying ''googoo gaga'' during the story. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Robin started her news with a story about the eclipse and how she's worried about the people who are going into towns where they can see the total eclipse. Robin had a list of places where it will be ideal to watch. Robin said it's going to be in mid-day so people will be risking their sight. Howard said it'll be a bunch of dummies out there.
Howard said he's saddened by everything going on with Jerry Lewis and Dick Gregory dying. Howard asked how early man didn't die when there was an eclipse. Robin said some of them must have gone blind. Robin said they probably said it was an angry god who was doing it to them. Howard said early man was very stupid. Howard said that they'll all have to invest in walking canes after this. Robin said people are going to try to photograph the eclipse. Robin had some audio of an expert photographer who had some advice for that. Howard said he saw the ugliest family on the planet taking pictures of themselves in Central Park the other day. He wondered why they'd want to see themselves.
Robin asked if Howard was on the beach collecting garbage. Howard said he was. He said he does that all the time. Howard said he's proud of that. Howard said the birds eat balloons and stuff. He said that people are assholes with the balloons. He said they should be outlawed. Howard said they end up on the shores and there are millions of them. He said birds suck them in and they get stuck. Howard said he ran into another woman doing it for the first time. Howard said parties are fine without balloons. Robin said she didn't see any out on the beach. Howard said they're all over the place. He said you just have to look. Howard said people are dopey.
Robin had Howard play the audio of the guy talking about how to take pictures of the eclipse. Robin said don't look in the viewfinder. Robin had a few clips of the guy talking about how to take pictures. Howard said he's not going to see it because he'll be busy working. Howard said these people who are watching are assholes.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel had an 8 year old talking about the eclipse and he was just like ''Who cares?'' Robin had more audio of people talking about the eclipse. Howard said we get it. Robin said the partial eclipse light is more damaging than the regular sunlight. Robin said there's going to be a commemorative stamp out with the eclipse. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about American Idol coming back. Howard said he can't believe that. Robin said that David Hasselhoff might be one of the judges. Howard asked what the difference is who the judges are. Howard said it's like listening to anyone on America's Got Talent about your talent. Howard said maybe David has matured. Howard said Jerry Lewis told him he was the best judge on America's Got Talent. He said he'll hold on to that note forever. Robin asked why not.
Robin said President Trump and Melania won't be going to the Kennedy Center Honors. Howard said of course not. He said that the President is a guest. Howard said he doesn't have to go. Howard said a bunch of people said they weren't going to go because Trump might be there. Howard said they actually asked him not to show up or they wouldn't have a show. Howard said one year Clinton didn't go. He said Jimmy Carter missed it once too. Howard said Trump has to resign. He said he loves being around celebrities. He said if they find out shit in the Russia investigation he's fucked. Howard said Trump has identified these Neo-Nazis as nice people and they're saying that he's not such a great guy for letting ''that Jew fuck his daughter.'' Howard said he'd like Trump to get back to rating women on the show. Robin said he might have to do that to improve his image.
Howard had Little Mikey on the phone. Mikey asked if he can see Robin's tits before he goes blind from looking at the sun. Howard thanked him for that and said that he essentially called in to say he wants to see her tits.
Howard had some audio of this Neo-Nazi guy talking about Jared Kushner. Howard said that he actually stuck up for these guys. Howard said it's messed up when they go after Trump for that.
Robin read a story about Richard Simmons and he mentioned Howard Stern in this story. Robin said he is not transitioning according to this statement. Howard said it sounds like a totally made up story. Robin asked if he would take this seriously and sue them. Robin said he's upset about the claims that people are making about him. Howard said he says he's all man and he's said he likes ''tasty, tasty pussy.'' Howard said he's all man.
Robin said that Governor Christie has decided not to do a radio show. Robin said he says that he was offered more opportunities but the turned them down. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about Jerry Lewis dying. Robin had some audio from a film called ''My Friend Irma'' that was Jerry's first movie with Dean Martin. Robin said she just never got into that. Robin asked if he's supposed to be retarded. Howard said that was the theory being the telethon because he felt bad about the kids with Muscular Dystrophy. Robin said there was some secret about why he chose to do it. Robin said that was a secret he never revealed. Howard said he played an imbecile in the movies. Robin read more about Lewis and had more clips for Howard to play. Robin read about how he never watched his last film with Dean Martin. Robin said it was too painful for him. Howard said he didn't see that one either. Robin said he seems to be a fan who didn't see his movies. Howard said he saw a few. Howard said the guy brought joy to people. Robin had some audio of Penn Jillette talking about Jerry's death.
Robin read a story about how the secret service is out of money because of all of the travel Trump has been doing. Howard said he heard about how they had to pay rent at Trump tower and they left because they didn't get a deal. Robin said they say that over 1,000 agents have hit their cap already. Robin said he may have to be confined to the White House. Robin said he ended his 17 days off and went to Camp David after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been talking about this balloon thing forever. He said people just don't think about where they go. He said those people are idiots.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he sounds kind of down today. Howard said he's exhausted from doing the show. Howard said they spent a lot of time with Ronnie and moved into a lot of topics. He said it's very draining. Howard said this show is going into the hall of fame. Howard said he's not down, he sounds terrific.
Howard said he went to see his parents since they won't come to see him. He said his dad can't hear a fucking thing now. He said that he tries to talk to his dad. He said he isn't eating enough. He said he was like 153 pounds. He said he's not eating enough. Howard said his dad told him to get on the scale to show that it's working. Howard said he's at 190 so he got on and showed him. He said his dad says he's eating plenty. He did an impression of his parents talking to him about what they eat. Howard had his dad talking about eating soup and sandwich. Howard said he has a cookie too. Howard said it's a lot of lunch. Howard said he's losing weight though. Howard said they go to dinner at 4:30. He said that they should eat at 6. Howard said they said they have their routine so they keep it up. Howard said they don't want to eat an hour later. He said they go to bed at like 8. He said he convinced his dad to have wine with dinner every night. He said that will stimulate his appetite. Howard said he may do that. Robin said they'll have to see how that works.
Howard said he wishes that would happen to him. He said his belly is so disgusting. Howard said his father can't have one. He said he probably has titties. Howard said Beth keeps telling him to get a new bathing suit. He said she doesn't have one ounce of fat on her. He said that she claims he's too thin for his bathing suit. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he thinks he's wearing one that's made for a guy with muscles.
Robin got back to her news and read about 10 sailors being missing after a Navy shit collided with an oil tanker. Robin said they are looking for the missing sailors. Howard said he hates hearing stories like that. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about some other mishaps at sea. Robin said that she saw a story about how the military aircraft may be getting too old. Robin said they have had some problems too. Robin said they have to look into that equipment.
Robin read about how Steve Bannon has been let go from the White House. Robin said he had a big role in the campaign and took credit for a lot of that. Howard said he looked like he had a lot of sun damage to his face. Robin said his face was a mess. She said she's not sure what was going on there. Howard said Sal should talk to him about using cover up. Howard said that guy was a good looking guy when he was younger. He said now he's a mess. Howard asked what they call that. Robin said it might be Rosacia. Howard said he's glad he doesn't have that. He said he's got enough going on with his face. Robin said that they had arranged that a while ago. Robin said General Kelly apparently said it was time for him to go. Howard said he thinks Steve used to do a show there on Sirius. Robin said they say he might use this to launch his own service. Howard said he's never been on that Breitbart site. Robin said they say it's the outlet for the Alt-Right. Howard said Bannon is coming back to work with Madison on Lithium. He said he's going into Alt music instead of Alt-Right politics.
Robin read a story about a female Senator who said she wanted to see Trump assassinated. Robin said she had to issue an apology. Robin had the audio of her making that apology.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what happens to Superman during an eclipse. Howard said nothing. He said he's just fine during an eclipse. Howard said he can look at the sun during the eclipse because his eyes are impervious to the rays from the sun.
Robin read a story about a guy from homeland security who says that everyone in Trump's administration should stay there. Robin said they say they have to right the ship instead of abandoning ship. This guy was also saying that they have to keep things in democratic hands.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's in Charlotte and he needs him to be his agent. He said he interned for them back in the 90s. He said he's been asked to do free stuff for this radio station he's working for. He said he's not sure what to do. Howard asked if he's number 1. The caller said they just hit number 1 at their station. Howard said when he started out he did everything free. He said he learned from doing that. He said he hated doing the appearances but he loved having a job. Howard said he told management he'd be better working on his show instead of spending hours shaking hands. Howard said as he got bigger and bigger he had some clout to put a stop to them. Howard said he didn't get paid doing those things. Howard said it was part of his salary.
The caller said he has to do an eclipse party today. He said his old man is asking why he's doing it for free. The caller said he gets a fee for doing live commercials. He said it's about $100 a week. Howard said that he's still on the rise and he has to do what they ask him to do. Howard said he has to go. He let the caller, Steve, go. Howard said you have to do what your bosses ask you to do. He said he should call Kidd Chris. Howard said he's actually way ahead of this guy. He said he should call Schmendrick in the morning. He said Kidd Chris does it all. He said he's super motivated.
Howard said when you're in a market that's small they have to promise the sponsors the moon and the stars. He said if you're resentful then don't be in radio. Howard said that's how the radio career works. Howard said don't even ask what Robin had to do.
Robin said that they found the suspect in the Barcelona attack.
Robin read a story about how Jerry Fallwell Jr. was out talking about the President and how he's doing fine with the Charlottesville incident. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said imagine that Jerry Fallwell Jr. is around. Howard said there's a lot of money in that religion thing. Robin and Howard talked about people who follow in their father's footsteps and go into their business. Howard said his dad didn't want him in his business.
Robin read a story about the number 1 movie at the box office being ''The Hitman's Bodyguard.'' Howard said that sounds like something he'd like. Robin said it's a comedy. Howard said he wants it to be serious. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show talking about how he has Jimmy Kimmel coming in and he'll be there for the next two days. Howard had the guys bring him in. Howard said it's Jimble Kimble. they had Wendy the Slow Adult announcing Jimmy and calling him Jimble Kimble.
Howard said Jimmy is his hero. Jimmy said he's excited about being there for two days. Howard said if anyone can hang out there for that long it's Jimmy. Jimmy asked if this can be considered a residency. Howard said it can be. Howard said he always wanted him to be a part of the show. Jimmy said he'll come there right now if that's the case. He said it's a lot of fun doing the show. Howard asked why it's more fun than TV. Jimmy said they have to block everything out on TV and there are a lot more meetings.
Howard said he thinks about Guillermo who he thinks could be tapped into even more. He said he must want to talk to him more on air than he does. Howard said he was chosen to stand there every night. Jimmy said they picked him because he was napping in his car during the show. Howard said he could talk to him about that on radio but you can't do that on TV. He said the audience won't sit for it.
Howard said when Jimmy got into his late night show it was hard to get guests. He said no one knew who Jimmy was. He said one of his first guests was Underdog. Jimmy said she performed on the show. Howard said she's going to call into the show later to talk to Jimmy. Howard said she hasn't called into the show in a very long time. Howard said her name is Suzanne Muldowney. Howard said Jimmy had her on back in 2006. Jimmy said that was the only time she did the show. Howard said she does something called figure jogging. He said it's basically dancing in a small area. Howard said she has a clip of her on one of Jimmy's early shows. Howard played the clip. Underdog explained what it was to Jimmy.
Howard said what Suzanne wanted to do was return to Jimmy's show for the 50th anniversary of Underdog. She wrote him a letter and never heard back. Howard said Shuli talked to her about it and the anniversary has gone by. Howard had a clip of Shuli talking to Underdog about that. Underdog asked how she could get through to him now because he never got back to her. She said that Jimmy blew it on the 50th anniversary and she feels no reason to want to contact him now.
Jimmy said he really fucked up. Howard said now she wants to talk to him about the anniversary and she wants to return to his show to do another performance. Howard said she wants to appear as another character. Jimmy laughed.
Howard said Shuli was interviewing her again and she fell out of bed while he was talking to her. Howard had a clip of her doing that while talking to Shuli. In the clip Shuli was talking to Underdog and she let out some moans as she fell out of bed. Underdog said she's alright but she was very upset.
Jimmy said maybe she can do that on the show. Howard said he's curious about what he's going to say to her. Jimmy said he's curious too. Howard said she was there for him in the beginning when he started the show. Jimmy said he never got that letter. He said that's not the most effective way to get in touch with him. He said he still gets a lot of mail. Howard said they just get email. Jimmy said he gets thousands of pieces of actual mail. Howard said he doesn't think they get any. Gary said they got 2 pieces of mail yesterday and they're from regular lunatic writers.
Jimmy said maybe he has more shut ins than Howard does. Howard said he will have Jimmy talk to Underdog but he won't be able to say much himself. Howard said that it's a huge thing that she's calling the show. Jimmy said he thinks that's the real focus of the show. Howard said he kind of likes the way it's going with her talking to Shuli. Howard said she can ramble on a lot. He said within minutes he can ask a question that upsets her.
Howard said maybe Jimmy will book her on the show. Jimmy said you never know. Robin asked if they have a number that she could call. Jimmy said they do have a front desk.
Howard said they have been working on this for 7 years to get Underdog back on the show. Howard said in Shuli's world it's been a long project. Howard asked if he has anything to say about this. Shuli said every call is about 28 minutes long. He said this is a big deal for the fans of the show. He said it's been his dream to get them back together. Howard asked if he had to tell her it will only be Jimmy she's speaking to. Shuli said he did say that Howard will be there and she didn't have a panic attack for the first time in 7 years.
Shuli said the only thing is that you have to call her Underdog and not Underdog Lady. Howard said he knows that. He said he'll see how long they can go with that. Howard said the funny thing will be watching Jimmy trying to explain to her why she's not on the show now. Howard said he went to her because he didn't get any guests. Now he's hosting the Emmys and all of that. Howard asked if he can be that blunt to her. Jimmy said he doesn't think so. He said maybe they can have her on the show but bump her at the last minute. Howard said maybe they could have her dance to something on stage.
Shuli said this is the first time she's agreed to come on the show with Howard in many years. Howard asked Jimmy if he knows how old she is. Jimmy guessed 67. She's actually 65. Howard said she jut turned 65 on August 15. Howard played a Happy Birthday song for her. Jimmy said he's turning 50 in November so that might be the time to have her sing.
Jimmy said that it was Shuli painting out Ronnie taking a day off work when he took 30 days off himself. Shuli said he gets shit for that and then he gets a vasectomy to make sure it doesn't happen again and he gets shit for that too.
Howard read some of the email and people were going off on Shuli for taking that time off. There were people who were upset that he blamed his wife for postpartum depression as the reason for taking his time off. Howard read a bunch of email about that and people were going off on him for a few things.
Jimmy said he thought the Letterman interview he did last week was great. He said it's the closest thing he has to pornography now. He said he was listening on the west coast and he heard the Ronnie thing going on. He said that his wife told him that the Letterman thing was on Howard 100 and he stuck out the Ronnie thing on Howard 101. He said he had to stick it out. Shuli said the people who hate him listened to that segment 4 or 5 times.
Howard said the show is like a bunch of shows. He said they have interviews and comedy and Robin's news. He said they almost need 3 channels so they can have the three different things going on. Jimmy said they need a whole Ronnie channel alone. He said Fred's impression is so great. Jimmy said he has 3 kids at home and he has to come home and put them to bed. He said if there's a Ronnie thing and Fred is doing Ronnie he sits in the driveway. Howard said he has come up with a great Ronnie impression. He said he has to turn it over to Fred. Fred said there's a lot of positive stuff about Shuli coming in too. He said they're focusing on the negative. Jimmy said Fred saying that Ronnie was flying TWA-T was great.
Howard read a positive email about something Shuli said about Jeff the Drunk. Howard said keep doing that stuff and he'll be fine.
Howard read another positive one about Shuli. They said they love him... when he leaves the studio. Howard let Shuli go after that.
Jimmy said he wanted to do something with the eclipse yesterday. Howard said he heard he was with Paul Shaffer. Jimmy said he was. Howard said he's really into the Letterman thing. Jimmy said they went to watch the eclipse. Howard said the President went out and looked straight up at the sun. Robin asked if no one told him. Jimmy said the previous administrations wouldn't have the balls to do that. Jimmy said he kind of peeked out at it and he was freaking out about it. He said then Paul did it. He said Paul was seeing spots and he did too. Howard asked why he would do that. Jimmy said he doesn't know. He said he called his wife and told her to keep the kids in a box to keep them from looking up.
Howard said he noticed it got a little dark out. He said he doesn't even like the moon. He said he doesn't care about the moon. He said he wouldn't look at the sun no matter what. He said that he isn't going to lose his eye sight. Howard said his assistant Laura called and said they were outside looking at the eclipse and she asked if he wanted to look. Howard said no way. Robin said she went out and looked at it with a colander. Robin said she heard that if you take it out and hold it with your back to the sun it acts like that pinhole thing that they did in elementary school. Robin said she didn't see a thing. Howard said they have you punch a hole in cardboard to look at the reflection. That doesn't work.
Howard said Richard got the cheap glasses and everyone said it was a big fucking nothing when they saw it. Robin said it was nothing there but on TV it was something. Howard said Ralph was over and he went to look at it. He said he talked about how cool it would have been if he was in the middle of the country. Howard said there must be something wrong with him because he doesn't give a shit about this. Robin said there were people coming from all over the world to see it in the total darkness.
Howard asked how Jimmy had time. Jimmy said he's on vacation. He said he went to lunch with Paul Shaffer. Howard asked how that all came about. Jimmy said he just asked him to go to lunch. Howard said he never does that. He said he figures he'll want to take a nap or something. He said then lunch goes on way too long. Jimmy said he waits until the last minute to make sure he wants to do it. He said he contacted him the day before.
Howard said he'd rather just beat off to porn and watch TV. Howard said he did that yesterday as soon as Beth left. He said he loves doing that. Jimmy asked if he thinks it's healthy for him to do that. Howard said that they do say that it can ward off prostate cancer. Howard said when Beth is on her period he does it after a couple days. Howard said that he doesn't want to lose his prostate. He said he's doing it to make sure he doesn't get prostate cancer. Howard said he's doing it as a medicinal thing. Robin said she's thinking that Howard goes running right to his computer to do that. She said he's like an animal.
Howard said he's not sure how much Jimmy does the porn thing. Jimmy said it's a regular amount. Howard said he thinks he's more sexed up than him. He said Ronnie is like 69 and he's more sexed up than any of them. Howard said he was looking at what to watch on YouPorn. He said you come up on that menu and he passes over a lot. He said the interracial stuff doesn't turn him on. Howard said he sees this step mother teaching her daughter and boyfriend about sex and his life lights up. Howard said he's not sure why that is. Jimmy asked if he saw something as a kid that gets him going. Howard said he's not sure.
Howard said he watches this thing and they have a very young porn star whose name he doesn't know. He said the daughter is cool and the step mom looks like she's losing her hair. Howard said the girl asks the mother if men like the smell of a woman's vagina. He said she asks a bunch of these questions. Howard said he's turned on by all of this and he's holding off on touching his penis. He said the mom is telling her how to masturbate and then the boyfriend is spying on them doing this stuff. Howard said the mom tells the guy to fuck her daughter there. Howard said she has to get involved with the boyfriend and fucks him. Howard said at that point he can't even control himself so he doesn't know how it ends.
Robin said he can't complain about any movie plot if he can watch that crap. Howard said maybe he's respond to the mother teaching her child something and he was never taught anything like that.
Jimmy said maybe Howard can talk about that with Letterman when he does his special. Howard said he put him on the spot for that. Howard said he's not sure why Dave kept mentioning the Radical Brothers but he did that a lot. Howard said he's not even sure what this show is going to be. Howard said he's not going to prepare anything. He said he's just going to go on and talk. He said he won't prepare like he did in the past.
Jimmy asked why he'd think he has to prepare. Howard said that's what you have to do when you do a late night show. Howard said he thinks Jimmy is the best at talking to a guest for 7 minutes and getting some kind of thing going. Howard said that's a tough thing to do.
Howard said he has to say that Jimmy gets something out of people he sits down with. Jimmy said he'd say 1 out of 3 he gets something out of. He said sometimes you know going in that the guest isn't strong. He said usually what he'll do is insert himself in the conversation and help them but that upsets that person's fans. He said they don't know that their favorite person isn't talking.
Howard said Dave had some great guests on his show like Chris Farley and Dave didn't even remember that. Jimmy said you just erase that from your memory.
Howard said he has the Sun on the phone. Howard said he had a big day yesterday. Howard picked up and there was a weird effect on the guy's voice. It was the guys in the back using a harmonizer and it wasn't working right. Howard hung up.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said that they can get Underdog on the phone to talk to Jimmy. Jimmy said he wants to get that out of the way. Howard said they have Jimmy there for 2 days. He said he would have come in yesterday and done 3 days but he was even nervous about that. Jimmy said he had a conversation with his wife about this. Howard said Jimmy said he was free and he wanted to do whatever he wanted. Howard said he thought about it and said he's on vacation and he wondered what he's doing. Howard said Beth said he loves doing the show. Howard said Jimmy actually listens to the show and there's no pressure to entertain him. Howard said he's like a piece of furniture. Howard said he had a meeting last Tuesday or two Tuesdays ago. Howard said he thought he was perfect to hang out on the show. He said it could work. Howard said the guys said they should try it so they took him up on the offer. Howard said 3 days is too much but two days sounds right to him. He said he thinks it's great. Jimmy said this is fun for him. Howard said they have 8 hours to do so they'll see what happens. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said Robin looked at the eclipse using a colander. Howard said they were out on the street and a woman said that she looked at it through a Saltine cracker. Howard played a clip of the woman talking about using the Saltine. Howard asked why you would trust a Saltine. He said it's like an old Wives tale. Howard said that they used to days that you could prevent pregnancy with Pepsi. That led to Fred doing his Ronnie impression talking about that.
Jimmy said when he walked in Ronnie was waiting for him. He said they used to have guys there who would say ''Who?'' when you'd say who you were. Howard said Jon Bon Jovi once left because they didn't have him on the list. Howard said that they had to step it up there. Jimmy said they once put ''Kinny James'' on his name tag. He said this morning things went better. He said he saw Ronnie and started laughing immediately. He said he couldn't help it.
Jimmy said that hypnotized Ronnie was great when he was all happy. Howard said that's right. He said it's so great.
Howard said they have to talk about Carson Daly giving up his radio show. Howard said Jimmy used to work with him. Jimmy said he was his sidekick on his show. He said that Carson has a lot going on lately. He said he's doing his late night show and the morning show. He said he thinks he's doing alright with all of that stuff. Howard said he must be getting paid well on The Voice too. Howard asked if he knew he'd go as far as he has. Jimmy said he had no idea.
Howard said Underdog wrote to Jimmy and he never responded to her note about the 50th anniversary. Howard said he thinks she wants to speak to him about that.
Howard told Jimmy that he can talk to her now. Jimmy said he doesn't think he ever received the letter she sent. Underdog said she did address it to him. Jimmy said it's possible that no one ever read it.
Underdog said that she talked to Shuli about this and he put her on to hopefully get through to Jimmy. Howard said Jimmy must have heard the messages she gave to Shuli on the air. Jimmy said he's not sure when that was. Underdog said it was October 3 and it was on a Friday. Jimmy said they don't do shows on Fridays. Howard asked if he would have had her on if he saw the letter. Jimmy said he would have considered it. He said he thinks they did the figure jogging thing already. He said they'd have to do something with Underdog if that's what it was about. Underdog said that she could have done a dance as Underdog. She said that's not the only thing she does.
Jimmy said he would consider having her on again. Underdog said she wanted to be on last year for the 50th anniversary. She said she just stopped communicating. Jimmy said maybe something with the eclipse. Underdog said that was yesterday. She said they were all told to go in a cafeteria and wait until it was over. Jimmy asked why they would do that. Underdog said they didn't have the special glasses they needed to view it without harm. Howard said he didn't watch it and he had no interest in it. Howard said he doesn't care about it and he doesn't want to lose his vision.
Jimmy said he has to know more about being locked in this cafeteria. Shuli said he thinks they were trying to protect the employees from the damage. Underdog said that it was after their lunch period so they were just made to go in there and wait. She said they were just talking.
Howard said Jimmy wanted to have her on for that but it's too late. Howard said maybe the next eclipse. Robin said that's in 2024. Jimmy said that's called planning ahead.
Howard said Robin watched it with a colander on her head. Howard said imagine seeing that. Robin said at least she wasn't locked in a cafeteria. Howard said he gets that.
Howard asked Underdog why she didn't contact Stephen Colbert or Jimmy Fallon to go on their shows. Howard said she offered the exclusive to Jimmy. Underdog said she didn't know how to get in touch with the other people. Howard said she doesn't have an agent or anything.
Howard asked Jimmy to talk to Suzanne about the other characters she does. Howard said maybe she can do something else. Underdog said that with the kind of dancing she does she doesn't always do a character. She said it's just a dance. Howard said that people like characters though. Jimmy asked if she would dance on stage with a popular band. Underdog said that if they did that they wouldn't have much room. Jimmy said they'd do it outside. Howard said she is a good dancer. Howard said she's been doing it her whole life. Howard said maybe she can come out and dance on Jimmy's show. Jimmy asked what she thinks about that. Underdog asked if the bands do classical numbers. Jimmy said probably not. Howard said they do rock music. Howard asked who they've had on. Jimmy said Foo Fighters or Green Day. He said they might want to go with someone who knows Howard's show. Underdog said she's never heard of any of those bands. Howard asked if any of them cover classical music. Jimmy said he's not sure.
Howard said maybe he can get some closure on this. Howard asked Jimmy if she can get booked on the show as herself or any of her other characters. Jimmy asked if she dresses as Vlad the Impaler. Underdog said that's actually Dracula. Jimmy asked if she gets in costume. Underdog said yes. Jimmy asked if she pantomimes biting people. Underdog said no. She said that Vlad the Impaler made human shiskebobs out of people. Howard said Vlad was human and got bitten? Underdog said that Bram Stoker wrote a novel about that but that's not what happened. Robin said he never became a vampire.
Howard said Underdog also performs as other characters. Howard asked about some of the other costumes like Spectrum the Ghost King. Underdog said there are legends about ghosts coming up during Halloween and... She was going on and on so Jimmy said he thinks Shuli deserves a raise.
Howard said Underdog has a unique talent and no one else is doing this. Robin said they could have her do interpretive dance. Howard said he'd like to speak on Suzanne's part. Howard said he's going to advocate for her. Howard said he thinks if Jimmy asked the Oscar people to let her perform on the show maybe they can do that. Howard said she could perform for Best Song or something. Howard said she has won many trophies. She said she has several dozen. She said most of them were for Halloween costumes rather than dance. Howard asked Jimmy about the Oscar's or tell her an honest answer about how she'll never be on any of his shows.
Jimmy said she needs to pitch him something so maybe she should work with Shuli on that. Howard said she's being very clear on what she wants to do. Shuli asked if she would dance with a band on the Oscars. Suzanne didn't have an answer. Jimmy said she needs to pitch. Howard said he's going to bring the conversation to a close. Howard said he has Jimmy there so he had him promise to consider her pitch for the Oscars or for his talk show. Howard said Shuli has to work with Suzanne on this. He said maybe she can perform in front of millions of people.
Robin asked if Jimmy recognized the 50th anniversary of Underdog in any way. Jimmy said he did not. Howard said his father worked on Underdog and he was a recording engineer on those cartoons. Howard said Underdog is a big thing to him. Underdog said she has no big write ups or anything for the anniversary. She said there was no official observance other than what she did. She said now that it's passed she'd rather go to a dance in general. Howard said that makes sense.
Jimmy said he thinks it's great that she's back on the Howard Stern show. Suzanne let out a little cry. Jimmy said Howard was very nice to her. She said he was. Shuli said that Howard has asked his fans not to yell out at her at the parades. Howard asked if things have changed for her about him. She just let out a sigh. Howard said he guesses not. Shuli said that Howard loves cats too. Howard said they have rescued over 400 cats. Jimmy asked if that changes her views on Howard. Suzanne asked if he has cats. Howard said they have six and two are blind. Howard said they take in tough cases. Jimmy said some of them looked at the sun through a colander.
Howard said he is a great person in some ways. Jimmy asked if Suzanne believes that. She said no. Shuli asked if he's better than he was. Suzanne said no. She was moaning and sounding like she was going to cry. Suzanne said she's afraid of the feedback. She said people may tease her again. Suzanne said that she had just stopped communicating with Jimmy. Howard said he told Jimmy that's a lousy thing to do. Shuli said Howard was defending her from the minute he got on the phone. Howard said he hates to say it but he is a good guy in this respect.
Jimmy asked what she thinks about this. She wasn't sure what to think. Howard told her to leave it at that. Howard said he is also concerned about putting her in a cafeteria at work. Howard said he doesn't like that at all but he's not going to get into that more now.
Howard said he will sum up. He said that he's going to keep Jimmy on this thing. He said he'd love to see her on the Oscars. Suzanne said she'd be afraid of someone pulling a prank on her on the show and she might have a wardrobe malfunction like Janet Jackson did on the Super Bowl. Howard said he thinks Jimmy would be fired for that so he wouldn't do that. Howard said that he thinks she's safe with that. Jimmy said the one thing he will say is that if he has anyone do interpretive dance on his show it will be Suzanne.
Shuli said that he's happy that Suzanne lasted as long as she has on the phone. He said that things have gone very well. Howard said they have to find out what Jimmy can do about getting her on a show.
Howard said Suzanne seems to really like Shuli. Howard asked if she knows he's married. Suzanne said she knows that he's married and has two daughters. Howard said he thinks they have something. He said if Shuli wasn't married and Suzanne was available would she be interested. Underdog said that it's just platonic. She said there is no attraction there and she doesn't like being asked questions like that. Jimmy said he's a bad guy. Howard said he's not a bad guy. Shuli said they are just good friends and she will be her friend until the day he dies.
Howard asked if Underdog thinks that a month off for paternity leave is excessive. Suzanne said that she didn't know that he had taken a month off. She said she thought he was just busy. Howard said he took that paycheck. Howard said he should lock him in a cafeteria. Howard said he hopes she gets on Jimmy's show. Howard asked him to please not fucking avoid people. Suzanne was upset with the use of bad language. Howard apologized.
Robin said that she could also sing on his show. Howard said she is a good singer. Howard said she is excellent. Robin told her to consider that when she talks to Shuli. Howard let Suzanne go and said he can tell she's somewhat pained by this. Robin asked if she thinks it went well. Suzanne said she was surprised that they went on so many topics. Howard asked what topics. They did ask her about being attracted to Shuli. Shuli said they had a lot to catch up on today too.
Shuli said he'll call her today. She had two appointments so that won't happen. Tomorrow she'll be working so that's not going to happen then either.
Howard said he wants Jimmy to look into his own organization about that letter she sent that went missing. Jimmy said he will consider all of this. Howard said Shuli will work with the pitch for her. Howard said he'll be like her agent. Howard thanked Suzanne for the call and let her go. Howard said she can hang up first and then he'll hang up. Suzanne wondered if she should hang up first. She did it and Howard said that's cold. Shuli said that was fucking awesome. He said it's right up there with the birth of his kids.
Howard said please get her on the Oscars. Jimmy said just imagine what the travel arrangements would be like. He wondered what's going on in the cafeteria. Howard said Jimmy has gotten too big for this. Jimmy said she could be on but her demands are out there. Howard said it would be so great if she came out during the Best Song category during the Oscars. Jimmy said that the producers of the Oscars are fans of the show. He said that he's going to give Mike Deluca's personal email to Shuli. Robin said it's rude when they play people off when they're making their acceptance speeches and maybe they could have Underdog dance them off. Howard said that would work. He said it does tie in with the movie theme. Howard said she could be Wonder Woman or someone like that.
Shuli said he was shocked that she stayed on the phone when she heard Howard's voice. Howard said that Jimmy enjoyed that too. Jimmy said he loved the long pause when they asked her if she was okay with Howard. He said she paused and then said no. Shuli said there are a lot of pauses of silence in there. Howard said she must be in the shower scrubbing herself off right now.
Howard said that he should take a break so he can get to High Pitch Erik and his 20th anniversary. Jimmy said he wanted to do a bit with the Wack Pack where they were going to hang out during the eclipse and he was going to convince them he has the power to make the sun go away. Howard said they're going to have Wendy on the show tomorrow to talk to Jimmy. Jimmy said he hopes that the people who listen to the show know how important this conversation was today.
Howard said he's fascinated that she was thrown in a cafeteria during the eclipse. Shuli said she won't tell him a thing about her job. Howard said she works for Trump. He said that Jimmy could have her on in October when he does shows from Brooklyn. He said he'd love it if she was on the Oscars.
Howard asked Jimmy about doing the Oscars last time and if he had planed to say ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Jimmy said he did but that was one of the casualties of the screw up. Howard said he'd love to have either one on the Oscars. Jimmy asked Shuli to ask if Suzanne would be willing to be hit with a Hein.
Jimmy said he'd love to be responsible for the biggest Hit 'em with the Hein of all time. He said he'd love to do it on the Super Bowl. Howard said there was a great bad pitch the other night and they were talking about Baba Booey's pitch. Howard said he has to get to all of this after taking a break. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said Trump has to be miserable. He said he had such a great life. He said he witnessed it. Howard said he had helicopters and he didn't have any of this bullshit in his life. Howard said everyone liked him. Jimmy said he has an idea for how he could get back to that life. Jimmy said that might be welcomed by many people.
Howard said that General Kelly must have bull whipped him to keep him on script. Jimmy said even quitting he wouldn't want to be a part of. Howard said he thinks he'd rather be going to Mar-A-Lago. Howard said he thinks that this is the way. He said he could go back to being there and that's like being in heaven. Howard said Jimmy has been there. Jimmy said he was there with Howard and it wasn't heaven to him. Howard said he liked it. Jimmy said there are a lot of creepy, old, rich people there. He said what he thought was most interesting about Mar-A-Lago was the photos of Donald Trump in the bathroom. He said there were a dozen of them.
Jimmy said in the lobby of the building is a framed cutout of a Variety magazine article about the Apprentice ratings. He said it's the strangest thing. He said that was so weird. Howard said that's important to remind people of that. Jimmy said it wasn't even that good.
Howard said that Trump went off on that woman Mika because he had that fake cover of Time magazine hanging in his golf clubs. Howard said Trump got upset. He said it is kind of funny to do that.
Howard said Trump used to be loved at Mar-A-Lago and now they won't even hold charity events there. Jimmy said that one of his sons had a charity event and he found out they weren't charging them. He had them charge them full price.
Robin said they found out that the Secret Service ran out of money and they are being charged to stay at Trump Tower. Howard said he was thinking of keeping his Best Hair award there in the bathroom. He said maybe he should do that.
Howard said he has a new product in his hair today. He asked if they noticed. Jimmy said it looks good to him. Howard said his hair isn't looking that good today. Jimmy said he went out and got a random haircut from a barber yesterday. He said he went to a regular barber. Jimmy said he went there and sat in the chair. He said that they didn't recognize him at first. He said he walked in and sat down and there was one woman there who didn't speak a word of English. He said she didn't know what ''Just a trim'' meant. He said the guy next to her said he was going to take over and he recognized him. Jimmy said he knew what a trim was.
Howard said his hair looks good today. He said that he did a good job. Jimmy said in 2 weeks his hair will have grown back. Howard said he has to be careful with Jimmy. He said that Beth will say to him that his bathing suit doesn't fit right and she'll ask him not to wear it around Jimmy and Molly. He said he's not sure why they're the ones he has to impress. Jimmy said Molly is very concerned about laying next to Beth since she just had a baby a few months ago. Howard said that upsets Beth so much. He said it makes her feel bad.
Howard asked what Jimmy paid for the hair cut. Jimmy said it was like 20 but he gave the guy a 50.
Howard asked how great Game of Thrones was this week. Jimmy and Robin said it was great. Howard said they came back this week with the dragons again and it was so good. Robin said she was so excited and then so upset. Jimmy said that he was hoping that when Jon Snow was fucked up that Daenerys was going to get into bed with him. Howard said they're building suspense. Jimmy wondered if the Khaleesi gives blow jobs. Howard said that Drago guy used to rape her. He said she may be turned off to guys.
Gary said in season one she learned how to give blow jobs from her hand maid. Howard said what he doesn't get is that the show got simplified but he still doesn't know what's going on.
Jon Hein came in to talk about how they think that Jon Snow and Daenerys might be related. Jon went through his nerd talk and explained it to Howard.
Howard said he's bored with this conversation. He zoned out. Howard said that the Khaleesi should have been naked and undulating on the guy. Jon said you have to watch for that at the start of the show.
Howard said he's in awe of that penis. He said he wishes he just had half of that. Jimmy laughed. Howard said Richard wants to measure him right now. Howard said he's huge. Jimmy said he loves that he was plugged in when he took that photo. Howard said he's in pretty good shape. Jimmy said maybe the workouts are why he can't play so well now. Howard said he claims he has back problems but you know what he thinks about that.
Jimmy said he gave a friend the Dr. Sarno book and it eradicated his back problems. He said it's crazy.
Howard said he was thinking about Jimmy and how maybe they should have George Stephanopoulos run for President. Howard said he knows the guy and every time he talks to him he has a good handle on politics. He said he's very likeable and he has that political background. Howard said he knows his wife Ali Wentworth too and she's fucking awesome. Jimmy said she's too crazy to be a first lady. Robin said we need a crazy first lady and not a crazy President.
Howard said Ali wants him to be president. Howard said he thinks he should run. Howard said he thinks Al Franken would be a good President but he's Jewish and that's hard to shake. Howard said that would be a tough one. He said all of those guys marching in the street are already saying ''Jews will not replace us.'' Howard said they used to have Daniel Carver on the show trying to pick out the Jews and he was confused because he thinks they can blend in.
Howard asked if Gary has Ali Wentworth's number. Gary said he doesn't. Howard said George is passionate about politics. He said he's so deep into it. Howard said he works like 6 days a week. He said he does that Meet the Press show.
Howard asked if Jimmy is really careful about the shows he watches. He said he must have to like George more than Matt. Jimmy said you have to give first priority to ABC News. Howard said he's expected to hate the guys he competes with and it's all so confusing. Jimmy said it's not confusing. He said he knows Howard loves this but it's different now. He said you used to have to choose which show you were going to watch. He said now you don't have to. He said you can watch all of them if you want. Howard asked if ABC ever issues him memos saying he has to mention ABC shows. Jimmy said they know he'd just read it on the air immediately.
Howard asked if he's into the Bachelor because he's on ABC. Jimmy said he's not into it but Molly is. He said he'll ruin it for her when he can. Howard said he and Beth watch it seriously and they're dead quiet during the show. Howard said there are no jokes.
Howard asked if he has to keep up with Dancing with the Stars. Jimmy said he bets on the show. He said he won $14,000 on the show last year. He said that this guy was a football player who had 14-1 odds. He said he bet $1000 and he won. He said he has won 50 percent of his bets. He said he bets at the start of the season. Jimmy said he has made some good money betting on the show. Jimmy said sometimes he'll bet on the favorite. He said that they have odds for the contestants.
Howard asked what Jimmy was thinking with the betting on this football player. Jimmy said many of the players are good dancers. Jimmy said it's not exactly scientific. He said that he looks for a handsome guy at number 1. He said mostly women watch the show. He said he thinks the women watching vote for the men. He said then he thinks that they bet for players that they like. He said that they kind of grade on a curve too. He said usually the best dancer will win. Jimmy said he gives it a lot of thought too.
Howard said this is an unbelievable revelation. Jimmy said Molly can pick the winner of The Bachelorette based on a still picture. Howard said that someone knows the answer to that show but not Dancing with the Stars. He said that he should call him Jimmy The Greek Kimmel. Jimmy said it makes the show more interesting when you bet on it. He said he used to bet on football but now it's this.
Howard said he used to watch Dancing with the Stars but not so much now. He said he stopped after this woman from Real Housewives was on. He said she was out of her mind. Howard said her name was Erica James.
Robin asked how Jimmy was affected by the death of Jerry Lewis. Jimmy said he used to go to the telethon. He said he loved it. Howard said they love hated it. He said they goofed on it. Jimmy said he realized how funny it was. Howard asked what the best moment was for him. Jimmy said he loved that Norm Crosby did the same bit every year at like 2 in the morning. He also loved it when Jerry yelled at his crew. Howard said he played some of that yesterday. Howard asked where that clip is.
Howard said that Jerry sent him a note about being the best judge on America's Got Talent. Howard said that's the worst part of the note that it was related to America's Got Talent. Jimmy said he got a note about hosting the Oscars and he cherishes it.
Howard played a clip of Jerry Lewis going off on the band leader during the telethon. That's the kind of stuff Jimmy loved about the telethon. Jimmy said he always had a lozenge in his mouth. Howard said it may have been his fake teeth moving around in there.
Jimmy said there are even more clips of those times when he'd get upset. Howard said maybe they can get more for tomorrow while Jimmy is there.
Jimmy said he can watch ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' with Jerry and he can watch one year after another. Howard said the guys are working on finding more clips of Jerry going off on the staff. He had one he played yesterday when he went off on a sponsor for blocking the tote with an ad. He played that for Jimmy. Jimmy was laughing at that.
Howard said that's so great. He said he's all angry. Jimmy said he really was angry. He said there's a documentary about him where they follow him going to the telethon and he drives his car right into this room indoors. He said he's smacking his lips and he has a scarf on and pretends to be nice to everyone. He said you watch it and you know it's the first time that's ever happened.
Howard said he watched this one clip over and over again. He said Jerry had this failed show and he knows that he was trying to impress his father and he was never able to do that.
Jimmy said that Jerry had to show how smart he was. He said he would annunciate every word in the songs he'd perform. Howard said he played the buffoon retard in the movies and he had to show that he was smart.
Howard said the best thing was watching Jerry Lewis on the Letterman show. Howard said it's so entertaining. Howard said Jerry was a really good guest. Howard said it's really good. He said Jimmy should check that out. Jimmy said he was the must interesting person ever. He said he met him on the street in Colorado and it was the time he said that no female comedians were funny. Jimmy said that it wasn't great but Jerry spotted them in the street and he knew Adam Carolla from Love Line. He said he remembers thinking that he was watching those shows on MTV.
Howard said Adam wrote for him for the Oscars and he came up with more jokes than any of the writers. Howard said Jimmy said he had forgotten how funny he was. Jimmy said he sees him like once a month and he's not working when he does. He said when they were on the Man Show they'd come up with a topic and they'd send a writer out with Adam. He said they'd come back with like 7 pages of stuff. He said Adam was in the writer's room and he worked on Monologue jokes. He said they're going to do it again this year but he hasn't told Adam that yet. Howard asked if he gets paid for that. Jimmy said that he doesn't pay him. He said that he may do it on a volunteer basis. Howard said that's bullshit. He said he should get paid. Jimmy said that whole thing may cost him like $25,000. Howard said that's not right. He said they make a ton of money off of that shit. Jimmy said it's the Oscars. He said he's not sure it's any different for anyone else.
Jimmy said he talked to Billy Crystal about doing the show and he got some advice from him. He said he thinks they talked for about an hour. Howard asked what he learned. Jimmy said the best advice is that you have to make the people in the room laugh to keep them interested. He said you forget about that. He said you focus on the people at home. Howard said that's who he'd be playing to. He said he was doing that for the people at home. Jimmy said that the people at home may think things aren't going well if they don't hear laughter on the show.
Howard asked if he was nervous doing the Oscars. Jimmy said that he did the Oscars and he thought it would go well or not and being nervous wasn't going to help.
Howard asked if they pay anyone to sit in the audience and laugh. Jimmy said no. He said it's very hard to get tickets actually. He said there's none of that going on.
Howard asked if he has ever gone out and just talked to people. Jimmy said he did. He said that he likes doing unscripted moment. Howard asked if they're going to serve food again. Jimmy said maybe not on camera again. He said that the people are there for a long time and the show is a long show. He said you have to do something to keep their energy up.
Jimmy said one thing they did at the show was make sure everyone had Samsung phones when they did the bus tour thing. He said one guy was taking a ton of pictures and didn't seem that interested. He said that he realized he was playing with a phone that he had never touched before because he had just gotten out of prison after 15 years. Howard said this is why they need Underdog dancing on the show.
Howard said that the phone thing on the Oscars is a great idea. He said that would make a great TV Show where they take a guy who has never seen one of those phones and they get a hold of one. Howard said that would be great. Howard said he's going to get OJ on there and hand him an Apple watch.
Howard took a call from Ali Wentworth who is George Stephanopoulos' wife. Howard said he just pitched an idea. Ali knew it was pitching George to run for President. She said that Howard isn't the only one bringing it up. She said that George is very humble and shy and says he would never win. Howard asked if she thinks he would love to run for it secretly. Ali said she thinks it's a ruthless and vicious thing and she's not sure how that would go. She said that she's up for it.
Howard said that he's been to their house before and they have two very smart kids. Howard said here's nothing about Ali that's not lovely for being a first lady. Ali said she thinks that she could get things done. She said she'd help Beth out and she has a lot of other things that she's involved with that she'd be working on. Jimmy asked what the big umbrella of things would be. She said universal health care for all children. Jimmy said that's good.
Howard said George is a workaholic. He said he has fame and all of that. Jimmy asked if he has any skeletons in his closet. Ali said he is so clean. She said he was an altar boy. Howard said he doesn't even masturbate. Howard said his dad was a Greek Orthodox priest.
Ali said her 14 year old has been grilling George about this. Howard said he bets he could win. Jimmy asked how tall he is. Jimmy said that is taken into account. Ali said Nixon wasn't that tall. Jimmy said he may not be the best one to compare him to. Jimmy said he would vote for George.
Howard asked if he has ever been on a van with Billy Bush. He said imagine that this video comes out and George says he loves to grab women by the pussy. Howard said he's going to work on this. He let Ali go after that.
Howard said that George could win. Jimmy said that Ali would be a fun first lady to have. Howard said he has to take a break so he can get to High Pitch Erik and his anniversary. Jimmy said he seems to remember that Erik had a sexual fantasy involving him and handcuffs and an arrest of some kind. Howard said there are a lot of dudes on Erik's mind. Howard said Jimmy has gotten very handsome. Jimmy said Erik has been masturbating to him from the beginning.
Howard said that Jimmy has been working out a lot. He said that he's in good shape. Jimmy said he works out at his house. He has a trainer. Howard asked what kind of stuff he does. Jimmy said they have a ball they blow up and he does lunges and stuff. He doesn't do running or benching weight. He said he walks up a steep hill.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's no way Jimmy has a penis like Tiger Woods. Jimmy asked if there are other shots of it. He wanted different angles. Jimmy said that they don't know a god damn thing. He said if they want he will email it to his wife and she'll be honest and say if it's the same. He said it may not be that big but it's close. Howard told Gary to email that to Molly. Jimmy said maybe she'll call in tomorrow about it. He said she's not going to be awake at this hour out in L.A.
Howard said maybe Tiger was chubbed up. He said that it cold be flaccid. Jimmy said it was at an angel. Howard had to fish the picture out of the garbage. Howard said if he's hard he could measure up. Jimmy said that he's hard in that picture. Howard said he's right. He took another look and said that he is hard. Robin said he's no Benjy. Howard said he really has to take a break. He let the caller go.
Howard said Benjy said he doesn't think that he's hard in that picture because his foreskin is still covering the head. Fred said he's not sure about that. He said that he may not be fully hard. He said it may be semi hard. That led to Fred doing his Ronnie impression for a short time. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said 20 years ago this month they met Erik. He said he's one of the most beloved members of the Wack Pack. Howard said Erik was discovered when he approached Gary at a signing. He said Gary was impressed right away. Howard said Erik weighed 275 pounds back then. He said he was 26 years old and he had the sweatiest hand shake. Jimmy said he's never shaken his hand and he's going to keep it that way. Howard said they called Erik on August 15, 1997 and he couldn't believe his ears. Howard played the first call they ever made to Erik.
Howard said Erik came in later that morning to prove that was his real voice. Howard said Erik could have had surgery but he didn't want to risk it. Howard had a clip of him talking about that back in 1997.
Howard said in the old days they wondered if he'd be in the Wack Pack. He said he was immediately in the Wack Pack though. Howard jokingly said they waived his Wack Pack fee of $700 back then.
Howard said his all time favorite moment was when they found out he was afraid of fish. He said this was early on. He said they walked in with a gigantic fish and Erik freaked out. Howard said he was freaking out and it was just amazing. Jimmy said the fish wasn't excited either.
Howard played a clip of Erik freaking out when they showed him the fish and chased him around the studio with it. Howard said that fear of fish hasn't stopped him from eating mountains of sushi.
Howard played a classic prank call Erik made to Eric the Actor as Kelly Clarkson. Eric knew it was High Pitch Erik. Erik called him as Gary Dell'Abate too. Jimmy said he loves that his voice is lower as Kelly Clarkson than it is as Erik.
Howard said in 2008 they had Erik come in to see Eric the Actor and he came in wearing a wig. Howard said they were still trying to convince Eric that it was Kelly Clarkson. Howard played a clip from that day.
Howard said one of the things they learned about Erik is that he can speak in a low voice but it hurts his vocal chords. Howard said he did it for them once when he pretended to be OJ. Howard played a clip. Howard said he's like a retarded Rich Little.
Howard said Erik took an IQ test and he tested at a 66 and Wendy the Slow Adult was a 61. Howard played a clip from the day they revealed the results of the IQ tests. Howard said they thought he was dull but he's just feeble. Jimmy said he remembers where he was that day. He said he was lost and driving around Century City. He said he just had to hear that show that day.
Howard said Erik is just great. He said he doesn't understand anything about sex. He thought a G-spot was in a woman's ass. Howard had a clip of him talking about that.
Howard said Joey Boots was friends with Erik and he applied cream to his ass. Howard asked Erik to come in after that.
Erik came in holding a doll. He had a Donnie Wahlberg doll. Erik said he has a Donnie pillowcase as well. Howard asked Jimmy if Erik is gay. Jimmy said he's much more complicated than that. Erik said he loves Jimmy too. Jimmy said he had a fantasy about him too that was about shooting a load on his chest or something. Erik said that may have been John Stamos. Jimmy said he's not sure he'd confuse himself with John Stamos. Howard said Erik is attracted to John Stamos, Jimmy and Donnie Wahlberg.
Howard said in this day and age homosexuals are opening up. He said maybe it's okay to say he has some gay tendencies. Erik said no. He said he does wanted to cum all over Donnie's chest though.
Howard said Erik wants to get on a weight loss program. Erik said he weighs 376 pounds. Howard said he thinks he's over 400. Erik said he's not. He said he still has to lose some weight and he got an endoscopy last week. He said they saw what he had for dinner the night before and they said he could get the gastric sleeve in December. Howard said he knows people who have had that and ate right through it. Erik said he's ready for it so he can get very thin.
Robin asked how they do the surgery. Howard said they go in through your G-spot. Erik said they open your stomach and do something after that. Erik said that he was told about the flabby skin and how they might have to do surgery to remove that skin.
Howard said it's been a great ride with Erik for the past 20 years. Erik said that he brought his friend Nikki in last time. He said they were listening to the Wrap Up Show and this guy Jason Mantzoukas was on and he said they don't like him at all. He said Jason said he doesn't get kissed by a woman but he has been kissed. He said if Jason has a beef with him he can say it to his face. Howard said he thinks this guy is going to be devastated. Gary said he'll be thrilled he was mentioned on the show.
Howard said he has a gift for Erik. He said they're going to have a Seance so they can contact Joey Boots. Howard asked if he believes in the after life. Erik said he thinks he does. Jimmy asked if he has anything to ask Joey. Erik said he wishes Joey was there on his 20th anniversary.
Howard went into his trance and tried to contact Joey. Howard asked Erik to say ''Ohmmmm'' with him. Erik did that. Howard asked why he has a Donnie Wahlberg poster over his bed. Erik said someone sent it to him.
Howard got back to the Seance and tried to get Joey Boots on. They kept asking Erik questions during the ''Ohmmmm'' thing. Erik mentioned he went to the hospital yesterday and all of the doctors and nurse were out watching the eclipse and nothing happened. He said he looked at it without glasses.
Howard finally got in touch with Joey Boots (an impersonator) who said it was hard to speak. Howard said he's trapped between our world and the afterlife. Joey said he was actually just pushing out a huge shit. Robin said she thought that was gone when you died. Howard said that Erik misses Joey very much. Joey asked Erik how he's the dead one there. He said look at Erik. He said this is fucking bullshit dude. Erik said he misses him so much. Joey asked what he liked most about him. Erik said they were like brothers. Joey said he thought it was his iPhone he stole when he died. Howard asked if he took his iPhone. Erik said he didn't steal it. He said that never happened.
Joey asked if Erik misses him more or misses seeing his penis more. Erik said he misses Joey. Joey asked who Erik hangs out with now that he's gone. Erik said he hangs out with Nikki. Joey asked if that's the chick who he stabbed. Erik said no. Jimmy asked if there was any unfinished business he had to wrap up with Joey. Erik said that he wishes he was still there. He said he was better off when he was around. He asked if he remembers Gonzo Shitcock. Howard said he's going to let Joey get back to heaven. Howard told him to get lost. Howard said that was horrible.
Howard asked Erik what's going on with him. Erik gave out his Twitter account and his YouTube live stream. He said it's Real High Pitch Erik on YouTube.
Howard asked Erik if he wants to get into Jimmy's show in Brooklyn. Erik said he does. He said Mariann wants to go.
Howard had Eric the Actor on the phone. Howard picked up and had a guy doing an impression of Eric telling Erik to fuck off. Howard said that's Sour Shoes by the way. Jimmy said welcome back Sour Shoes. Howard said that was really Sour. Jimmy said he thought it was old clips of Eric.
Howard said he has to take a break and get to the news. Howard thanked Erik for coming in. Erik asked if he can stay in for the news. Erik said he wants to comment on Trump who he's not happy with now. He voted for him but he doesn't like what he's been doing. Howard asked what he felt about Charlottesville. Erik said there was no reason for that to happen. Howard asked about Mayor De Blasio. Erik said he hates that fucking guy. Howard asked when this anti-Trump thing happened. Erik said since the North Korea thing. He said his wife isn't doing anything either. Howard said he's entitled to his opinion. Erik said De Blasio isn't doing a good job either.
Howard asked Fred if he thinks Erik should be in there for the news. Fred said he thinks he's had enough. Jimmy also said that he thinks he's had enough of the tribute. Howard asked Robin about it too. Robin said that Erik has already told them about where he stands on the Trump issue. Howard said he would have kept him in but they voted him out.
Jimmy said Erik was walking with some kind of walker last time he saw him. He wanted to congratulate him on walking again. Howard said he's out of the walker but he showed up with a bunch of cigars because he's smoking them. Jimmy told him not to eat them.
Howard said maybe they can do a test news story with Erik. He said Robin can read the story and we'll see what happens. Robin read a story about Mark Zuckerberg and how he's having his second child and planning to take 2 months paternity leave. Erik asked why 2 months because it's too much. He asked who needs 2 months just take 2 weeks off. He said Shuli took a month off. Jimmy said he thinks he should stay. Howard said Erik has never worked and he's giving his thoughts on someone taking time off. Howard said Erik doesn't have a job. Howard said maybe he should be off the news.
Howard asked what Erik had for dinner last night. Erik said he had a pizza pie. He had one soda. Howard said bullshit. Erik said he had an Artichoke pizza. Robin asked how big the bottle of soda was. Erik said it was one can of Coke. Howard said he's sure he had snacks after that. Erik said he went to bed early so he could come in there. Erik said he didn't have any snacks.
Howard said he thinks that Erik is out during the news. He asked Jason what he thinks. Jason said if it doesn't throw off his flow he'd love to have him in there. Howard said he has Jimmy there though. He said maybe he'll throw Jimmy out. Howard did a live commercial read after telling Erik he could stay. They went to break after that.
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Howard asked if Gary is with him. Sour switched into his Gary voice and did some material about the eclipse. He said it looked like a black and white cookie as it went across the sky. Howard asked if George Takei is there too. Sour switched into his George impression and said that he saw the eclipse in Brad's ass. Howard said he makes people feel so good with his laugh. Sour switched into his Artie impression for a few seconds too. He was switching between everyone talking to Howard.
Howard asked George Takei if it's safe to look into Brad's ass without sunglasses. He let Sour go after that. Howard said that was some treat to have him on. Jimmy said he's been missing lately.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to comment about the show today. He said he enjoyed it. He said the porn discussion made him feel better about himself. He said that he's 28 and he keeps his prostate clean too. Jimmy said it's the number 1 way men take care of themselves.
Howard said he's obsessed with Beth wanting to see the Tiger Woods penis picture. Howard said they sent the picture to Molly to check it out and Beth heard about it and asked Gary to send it to her and she'd forward it to Molly. Howard said he thinks she's listening so he wants her to know that he's not flaccid in that picture. Howard said he wants her to think that he's pretty big himself.
High Pitch Erik asked to see the picture of Tiger's penis. Howard said he wants to hear his reaction to that. Howard gave him the picture and Erik said ''Holy fuck!'' when he saw it. Howard asked what he thinks about that. Erik said ''Wow. That looks like a Donnie Wahlberg cock.'' He said that looks like what he thinks Donnie has. Howard said he's looking at it like it's a calzone. Erik said that it could be a Donnie Wahlberg cock. Erik said he is into women too. He likes Taylor Swift too but he likes Donnie more.
Howard took a call from Chad in St. Louis who asked why he's so obsessed with this cock picture. Howard said he just is. Chad asked if Jimmy is uncomfortable with this talk. Jimmy said he's fine with it. Howard said Jimmy is going to sit in all of Cocktober because he's so into it. Howard asked how long he's stuck in late night. Jimmy said his contract goes to 2020. Howard said that's 3 more years. Howard said Jimmy is miserable. He said he must fantasize about retiring. Jimmy said sure. He said he likes some free time to himself.
Howard said Jimmy is doing the Oscars on top of all of that. Jimmy said that it's like the size of the jizz load on top of Donnie Wahlberg from High Pitch Erik.
Erik asked Jimmy if he uses cue cards like Letterman and Fallon. Jimmy said they don't have cue cards. They use a teleprompter.
Howard said he got some criticism in the mail about the way he treated that woman who adopted some kittens. Howard said they say he was rude to her. Jimmy said it's weird that he doesn't want them going to a home that has children. Howard said he's concerned about the kittens around small children. Howard said they may choke them when they pick them up. Howard said those kittens were born in their house and he worries about them. Howard said he has a fear of them getting out of the house or something. Howard said he's trying to correct people and teach them how to be proper with the cats.
Jimmy said family homes are a good place for cats. Howard said the woman did assure him that she'd make sure they were fine.
Howard said it is time for news. Fred played her news theme as she started. Robin started her news with a story about a woman who discovered as an adult that her birth father was a prince of a tribe in Africa. Robin said there was some terrible flooding in Sierra Leone and they need help. Robin said you can go to the Red Cross to help. Robin said that this woman she knows was adopted so she has this family over there and she's been trying to help them for years. Robin said she wrote a whole book about it. Howard asked why she'd be in this country if she's a princess over there. Robin said this was a young man who came here to go to school to get an education. Robin said he fell in love with a woman and it was an interracial relationship and not much support for it at the time. Robin said he was called back to the country and to his tribe. Howard said it's like Arsenio and Eddie Murphy in ''Coming to America.'' Howard said it's like Eddie fucked that chick and went back home and the woman had a baby. Howard asked if her clit was taken off. Robin said of course not. Howard asked Robin if she makes out with her friend. Robin just let out an ''Ugh.''
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said he loves how Howard related that story to ''Coming to America.'' Ralph said she won't be a princess over there. Robin said she could be the oldest child so she might be able to. Howard asked who would want to do that. Robin said the country was torn apart by civil war for over a decade. Robin said they're in a rebuilding phase over there. Jimmy said they should see the look on High Pitch Erik's face. Erik said he knows what they're talking about. Erik said he feels sorry for her friend. Howard asked if Erik knows anything about Africa. Erik said they have animals like lions and tigers. Howard said ''and bears of course.'' Erik said that's where Tarzan was filmed. Howard asked Robin more questions about her friend and where she grew up. Robin said she grew up in West Virginia. Robin told Howard a bunch of things about this woman Sarah. Howard saw a picture of her and said she is cute. Howard asked if she can speak the language. He made some clicking sounds.
Howard asked Ralph what's going on. Ralph said he saw the Tiger Woods picture and he thinks he's not fully erect. He said he may be semi erect. Howard said they have people who have said he's 9 inches. Howard said they're waiting to hear back from Molly about how big Jimmy is. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read some eclipse news. Robin had some audio of the song ''Total Eclipse of the Heart'' and said that hit number 1 yesterday on iTunes. Robin said it was the unofficial news anthem of the eclipse. Howard said people are idiots. Jimmy said it's about the heart. Howard said people are such jackasses. He said it's so strange that they do that. Jimmy said that song does come to mind when you hear eclipse. Howard said Robin put a colander on her head. He said people are out of their minds. Howard said he likes Ronnie's version of that song better. He played Ronnie singing the song about Robin putting her ''pussy 2 lips on his hard on.''
Howard said imagine if Ronnie could carry a tune. Howard said he probably doesn't even know that song. He said he's a little bit older and he's into Cher and Doowop. Howard said he's not into the Beatles. He said he may not even know that song he sang. Erik said he thought he'd be into heavy metal.
Jimmy asked what kind of music Erik is into. Ronnie came walking in so Howard asked if he knows that song. Ronnie said he knows the song but not all of the lyrics. Howard asked what his favorite music is. Ronnie said that he can't think of it right now but it's 60s, 70s and 80s music. He said he was into the Beatles too. He said he has loads of Beatles music. Howard didn't believe it. He asked him to name 3 Sgt. Peppers album songs. Ronnie got some wrong so Howard said he knew he didn't know. Ronnie said he doesn't have to know what album they were on. Robin said he's not a huge music fan. Ronnie said he listens all the time. He said he listens to the different channels there on Sirius. He said he likes old stuff. He said he likes Neil Diamond. Jimmy said he does too. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Jimmy named a few songs. Ronnie said he likes Kid Rock too. He said he has a bunch of his albums. He said he likes driving to those albums.
Howard asked if Ronnie puts music on when he has sex. Ronnie said not really. He said it's candles and porn. Ronnie said Stephanie likes the candles and he puts the porn on. He said she likes girl on girl stuff. Howard said that's pretty awesome. Howard asked if Jimmy has tried any Ronnie sex tips. Jimmy said he did and Molly got a UTI. He said that he wanted to put the tips to use. He said there was one when it was real sex tips where he suggested laying down and she lays on top of you. He said then it's kind of like planking without any sex happening. He said that they tried that. Jimmy said he doesn't remember how she got a UTI but that's how it happened. Ronnie said he wasn't even penetrating her with that tip. Jimmy said that they may have to hear that tip. Howard said he can't imagine her having sex. Jimmy said it does happen. Howard asked if she moaned like the moon.
Gary said he has news from Molly. He read an email from her about how big Jimmy is. She said that they are very similar in size and girth. Howard said that's something. Jimmy said ''Thank you.'' Howard said that's big news. Robin congratulated him. Howard said he thought he had a small cock. He said beat that Fallon and Colbert. Howard said Erik is licking his lips over there. Howard said Erik said he was very Donnie Wahlberg like. Howard said he's going to contact Donnie and Jenny and ask if he'll show it to Erik. Erik said make it happen. Jimmy asked if he'd rather see Donnie or Jenny naked. Erik said Donnie of course. He answered it like it was a ridiculous question.
Howard asked Erik about the doll he has of Donnie. Howard asked if he jerks off to it. Erik said he jerks off with a baby wipe. He said he does that before bed. Howard asked if it's like lube. Erik said it is. He said that he looks at the doll and jerks off. Howard said he should jerk off to the poster over his bed. Erik said the doll is easier for him. He said he can rest it on his pillow and look at it.
Howard asked if he ever puts the doll on his penis. Erik said no. Howard asked if he's being honest. Erik said he is. Howard asked if he imagines that it's a real Donnie. Erik said he does. Howard asked if he has ever undressed it. Erik said no because the pants are hard to come off. Howard asked if he kisses it good night. Erik said he does. He said he says ''Good night buddy. See you in the morning.'' they asked if he ever brings it to the set of Blue Bloods. Erik said no because he doesn't want him to think he's weird. Everyone cracked up.
Howard said that Donnie and Jenny are still acting like newlyweds. Howard said they make out in the halls there. Howard said they can't spend more than a half hour away from each other so he's always around at Sirius. Howard said Jenny offered to have sex with him when he was married. He said he bets that would be wild. Howard said Jimmy must have gotten those offers. Jimmy said that has never happened. He said he's being honest and it has never happened. He said one woman on a reality show gave him her phone number but that's it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said if it gets too late for Jimmy he can leave. Jimmy said he has nowhere to go. Howard said that Jimmy had dinner and watched the eclipse with Paul Shaffer yesterday. Howard said he must be shocked that he gets to do stuff like that.
Howard said he has the sex tip that Jimmy tried with his wife. The tip that Ronnie gave was how to make your girl cum without having sex. He said you hug her really tight and just move very slightly with your cock on her clit without entering her. He said she'll be wet as wet can be. Jimmy said he remembers that being pretty successful. Howard and Fred did their Ronnie impressions and talked about the stuff in that tip. Howard said Jimmy did all of that and how long did she lay on him. Jimmy said he doesn't remember. He said she did get some arousal out of that though.
Jimmy said there is no one less happy than his wife right now. Howard said he and Fred may go another 15 minutes about Molly's cunt. Howard and Fred did more of their Ronnie voice talking about her cunt. Howard said Molly is so bright and they're doing this.
Howard asked Erik if he knows what a clit is. Erik said he does. He said it's part of the vagina. He did his Ronnie impression too. Robin said Jimmy is going to be lucky if he gets to see his kids after this. The guys kept going with their impressions. Jimmy said just imagine the transcript being read in court.
Robin got back to her news and read about the eclipse and how President Trump looked at the eclipse without special glasses yesterday. Robin said that if you look at it for 20 seconds or longer it can do damage. Jimmy said he looked at it for like 2 seconds. He said Paul looked at it too and he thinks he looked at it too long. Jimmy said he called his wife and told her he was freaking out because he thought he looked too long.
Howard asked where Jimmy went to lunch with Paul. Jimmy said they went to Nobu. He asked Erik if he still hates fish. Erik said he loves sushi. Jimmy asked from where he got it. Erik said he has a place that will deliver. Fans order it for him. Erik said someone sent him a pack of diapers to his house. He said he threw it away. Howard asked why they sent him that. Erik said it was to fuck with him. Howard told Jimmy how Erik asks his fans for stuff and they'll send it to him.
Jimmy asked what the best thing is he got. Erik said he got those diapers directly to his house instead of his lawyer's office. Howard said he basically makes a wish and it comes true. Robin read more about the eclipse and then Howard did a live commercial read.
Gary said he has another message from Molly. He said she told Jimmy to stay there. Jimmy said he was just checking his texts to see if she was listening. Howard said she's such a funny woman. He said he follows her on Twitter. Jimmy said he'll see how much of a sense of humor she has today. He said he's not sure that discussing her cunt is going to go over well. Jimmy said he'll let them know how it went tomorrow.
Howard said Molly is a writer on Jimmy's show. Jimmy said she just came back to work. He said they have a Nanny to take care of the kids when they're working. He said they do come to work once in a while.
Robin read a story about how the eclipse glasses are good for forever so you can save them for 2024.
Robin read a story about Chelsea Clinton coming to the defense of Baron Trump after someone complained about him wearing a t-shirt and shorts when he was on Air Force One. Howard said that's bullshit. He said leave that kid alone. Erik said he should be left alone.
Jimmy said he trained his 3 year old daughter to turn and point and blame it on Mommy when anyone farts. Howard said that he saw Jimmy talking about how Molly has really smelly feet. Jimmy said Jane has been trained to do other things. He said they came out of the bathroom and told everyone in Starbucks that she pooped in there. He said Molly didn't really go but no one believes it. Howard asked if Molly is still obsessed with JD on the show. Jimmy said he thinks JD is still her favorite.
Robin read a story about Bill Cosby being re-tried in Pennsylvania. Robin said that he has some lawyer who defended Michael Jackson in his trial. Robin said the last legal team left so he had to find a new team. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard took another call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression. Sour Gary had Molly Hatchet on the phone instead of Jimmy's wife Molly on the phone. Howard let him go after that.
Robin read about Trump's speech last night and what he brought up about Afghanistan. Robin had some audio of Trump reading his script. Howard said they learned that Erik has given up on Trump after being a supporter. Erik said he sounds sick in that clip. Jimmy asked if he actually cast his ballot for Trump. Erik said he voted for Hillary and Joey asked him what the fuck he was doing. He said Joey told him to vote for Trump like he told him to. He had him remark his paper. Howard said that's not legal to do. He said that's almost voter fraud. Howard said no one cared. Erik said he voted twice. Howard said he just discovered voter fraud. He said Trump is right. Howard said he somehow voted for both. Robin said he canceled himself out.
Robin read about how there is still fallout over the way the President handled the Charlottesville situation. Robin had some audio of Bernie Sanders talking about that. Howard said he shouldn't yell. He said just say it and not yell. Robin had another clip of him and he was still yelling.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who wished Erik a happy anniversary. Mariann also asked if Jimmy got her Christmas card. Howard hung up on her.
Howard said that Erik is wearing shorts with no socks. He said he has a Batman shirt on and he's never seen the Batman logo so distorted from a belly. Erik said it's a 6 XL.
Howard asked how far up the X's go. Robin asked if there's a bigger one. Erik said they go up to 7. He said he's going to have to get new clothes when he has the surgery. Jimmy asked if he has to pay for that. Erik said no. Howard said he's covered under Medicaid.
Howard said Jason is fat and he has a 12X. Howard said he's not kidding. Jason said he doesn't have a 12X, he's seen a 12X.
Robin had some audio of Trevor Noah on The Daily Show returning to work and bashing the President over his reaction to the Charlottesville incident.
Robin read a story about smokers and how they're more likely to quit when the price of a pack goes up by a dollar. Erik said that packs are like $13 now in the city. They asked if he smokes. Erik said he smokes cigars. He said that people give them to him for free. Jimmy said he's like a good looking woman with the way people give him things.
Robin read a story about a jury that handed out a massive verdict in a talcum powder lawsuit. Robin said a woman got a $400,000 award in an ovarian cancer case that she claimed she got it from talcum powder. Jimmy said he used to powder himself up good but not anymore. Robin said that they have lost other lawsuits over this talcum powder. That led to Howard and Fred doing their Ronnie impressions talking about fucking with talcum powder. They threw in Molly's cunt again. Jimmy said he can imagine she's nursing the baby listening to this now.
Robin read about how they did an autopsy on Jerry Lewis to see why he died. Robin said she thought it was just because he was 91 years old. Robin said they say that he died from a heart condition. Jimmy said that Molly has nothing to do with the death of Jerry Lewis.
Robin read a story about some cats that inherited $100,000. Robin said they are living in the lap of luxury. Robin said the money will go to the woman's only living relative after the cats pass away.
Robin read a story about a kid who was thrown out of school because his hair was too long. Robin said this woman has never cut her son's hair. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:40am.
Howard started the show talking about how he should have peed before the show but he was too lazy to get out of his chair. He said peeing is a mindset. He said he was up last night thinking he had to pee and he didn't.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel is back today. He said he's spending his vacation with them. Howard asked if he got some nice feedback yesterday. Jimmy said he was worried about his wife's reaction to the show. He said she had a 2 hour long argument about politics with her mother so that distracted her. He said she tried to circle back to her vagina but he denied her. He said that was over and done with.
Howard asked if Molly's mother is a Trump supporter. Jimmy said not really but her mother likes to see both sides and Molly doesn't. He said it's hard when your parents have different views. Howard said if your spouse has different views it can lead to divorce.
Jimmy mentioned he's been peeing a lot lately. He said he got up to pee 3 times during lunch. Howard said he's pretty young compared to him. Jimmy said he doesn't like it. Howard said it's just old age. Howard said he's not even that old. Jimmy said he drinks a lot of iced tea too. Howard said he has to watch that shit. He said that he could get kidney stones. Jimmy said it might be fun to have them. Howard said no way. He said they could have to stick a tube up your cock.
Howard said they have an idea for Kidney Stone Karaoke where he has to sing while passing the stones. He said he could have his own TV show like that. Jimmy said that could be his James Corden bit.
Howard said it's funny how that karaoke thing is a whole thing with Corden. He has a whole other show based on that. Jimmy said he's not even on it. Howard said that's like a franchise or some weird fucking thing. Howard said he enjoys it when there are big stars but he'd do it just once and be done with it. He said Corden keeps doing it. Howard said he should have taken Lesbian Dial-a-Date and made that his whole career. Howard said Jimmy should make mean tweets into a show. Jimmy said he'd worry if he had a popular bit like that and then giving it to another person to do it.
Howard said he was watching two women from Game of Thrones doing impressions of one of their fellow actors and it sucked. Howard said they're ruining the integrity of the big with that.
Robin said Howard was upset that Jimmy was going into production in a TV project without him. Howard said that's right. He said he's his buddy and he should work with him. Jimmy said Howard loves side projects. Howard said he can do all the work and get back to him with all of the money they made.
Howard said he had a meeting with Sam Simon the day before 9/11 and he asked if he wanted to do a show. He was going to get together and have a meeting. Howard figured Sam would do all of the work and make all the money. Howard said they had the meeting set for 9/11 and then Sam canceled the meeting. Howard said he wanted to meet though so he told Sam to come over. Howard said he went running that day and watched the smoke from Central Park. Howard said Sam came over and they talked about doing a Saturday Night Live like comedy show. He said he was listening and Sam spelled out this whole show. Howard said he asked Sam if he's the Executive Producer and if he's going to do the work. He said Sam thought he was going to do the work. He said they had a stand off about it. Howard said they never talked about it again after that.
Howard said they should do something with Ronnie in a show. Jimmy mentioned Carpool Cuntioke. Howard said they could give Robin 1/3 of the cut too.
Howard said he was thinking of Jimmy this morning after he mentioned he looked at the eclipse. He said he was reading about how you can see if people have damaged your vision. Howard said people all over the world peaked at it and Jimmy was one. Howard said people were complaining about the discomfort with their eyes after the eclipse. Howard said they say that eye injuries are rare but still possible. He said you won't know it hit you. He said there's no cure and you don't know if you did damage until a few days later.
Jimmy said he was wondering what the effect would be if he was injured or had some damage to his face or something. He said it's a terrible thing. He said people would just stop watching his show. Howard said Jimmy had a trying time with the birth of his son. He said a lot of good came out of it but the fucking guy from the Washington Times went off on Jimmy. He said they wrote ''Shut up Jimmy Kimmel you elitist creep.'' Howard said he was just talking about his son going through a heart operation. Howard said it's like if he went blind he'd probably get smacked in the head. Jimmy said it's weird that he was called an elitist after that. He said it annoyed him but some people just say things like that to get you to read their article.
Howard asked if he got angry about that stuff. Jimmy said he did. Howard said he likes being on the inside. He said he knew about his son and what was going on before other people did. He said he felt very special that he was in the know. He said then he went public and everyone knew. Howard said he was hoping it would stay a secret.
Howard asked if he watched the show when he had guest hosts filling in for him while he was out. Jimmy said he did. Howard said David Spade did a great job. Howard said he seems underrated as an actor. Howard said when he talks it's mesmerizing. Howard said he's very relaxed. Jimmy said he's a great guest on the show. He said he's so relaxed. He said that he's gotten really good in the past 5 years.
Howard said he thought it was funny that Spade had Guy Ritchie as a guest. Howard said that guy doesn't give you a lot. Jimmy said David thought he was pulling a prank on him. Jimmy said he didn't know that there was no relationship between them. He said David was up for interviewing anyone. Howard said the most interesting thing about Guy is that he was married to Madonna but he won't talk about her. Jimmy said they may not have told him that he wasn't going to be there. Jimmy said maybe David fucked Madonna or something and they don't know about that.
Howard said they had Dr. Oz fill in for him. Jimmy said that's not true. Howard had a list of people who filled in for him. Dr. Oz came in the night he returned to talk about the heart stuff. Jimmy said that Shawn White also came in because he had the surgery that his son had when he was a kid. Howard said that must have made him feel good. Jimmy said it did. Jimmy said he met a 70 year old who had this operation. Howard said it's scary when you hear about it. He said you can go on to live a full and happy life though.
Jimmy said his son doesn't cry as much as babies do. He said he wonders if there's some imprinting thing that goes on and your tolerance for pain is different. Howard said maybe he does have that. He said it would be great if his son was a super hero with super strength. Jimmy said he wouldn't keep that a secret if he did.
Howard said he can see him yelling at his son in 15 years about him not doing jack shit with his ability. Howard said he's just yelling at him. Howard asked if he's extra delicate with him. Jimmy said he's not afraid to touch him but he did get extra careful with him. He said for a while they couldn't pick him up from under the arms.
Howard said his daughter Debra had to get a procedure done and they removed him from the room because he didn't like that they touched her belly button. He said they had to kick him out of the room. Jimmy said he was a mess when his son had his tonsils removed.
Howard said he freaks out over the cats being hurt. He said that he doesn't like that. Howard asked if his son is circumcised. Jimmy said not yet. He said there was too much going on. Howard said they may have cut too much off of his penis.
Howard asked why he's doing it. Jimmy said the real reason is probably because he's circumcised himself. He said he knows guys who have had to be circumcised as adults and it's more painful than you think it is. Howard said he knew a guy at K-Rock who had it done and he was in pain for 6 months. Jimmy said that kind of operation makes people laugh. He said he thinks it's just better to get it out of the way.
Howard said it's unnecessary. He said that they say the foreskin has thousands of nerves. Jimmy said they do say that but he doesn't believe it. He asked if you can tell if your pleasure is reduced. He said he gets plenty of pleasure with what he has. Howard said they did it to get man under control. He said it's all because of religion and the bible. Robin said she thinks it was hygiene. Howard said he doesn't think so.
Howard said when some guy dreamt up religion they had to get people to stop eating shit like pigs. Howard said they did it for health reasons. He said that they cut off the cock skin to stop with the sensitivity. Howard said he bets guys with foreskins jerk off more than guys who don't have it.
Howard took the call and the guys in the back were playing clips of the real Richard saying stuff that they had edited together. They had him saying he doesn't care about trans people and things like that. Howard had Richard give his 5 reasons why he's not transgender. The guys played him talking about things like how he's never swallowed cum and things like that. Howard said they took hours to create this stuff and you can't understand what he's saying.
Howard had the guys replay the cum swallowing thing. Howard said they thought this was going to kill. Richard also said he loves pussy and they had him repeat pussy a few times.
Number 4 was Richard saying he likes his nuts and he's a nice person. The number 5 reason was that Richard is proud of his big, fat, swollen banana. They had Richard laughing and singing too.
Howard thanked Richard for calling in. Jimmy said the staff was obsessed with the ''Gary!'' clip that Richard did and they used to play that when their staff writer Gary would come in. He said that went on for like 20 days. Howard said Richard was the best guest. Jimmy said he really was.
Jimmy said he thinks that Richard was great on the show and it always went the same with Howard pissing him off, chasing him out and then bringing him back in and pissing him off again. Howard said he thinks that he got Richard to be a great guest. He said he would make him interesting and other guys would have him on after that.
Howard asked Jimmy if he has any inside information about Richard going into hiding. Jimmy jokingly said he's in ISIS now. He said he knows some people who know Richard and he gets the sense that he's just exhausted from putting out all of that energy. Howard said he thinks that would be normal. Howard said if that Enquirer story was true it would be so great. He said they must have made it up if Richard is suing them.
Jimmy said he loves that Howard had a personal relationship with Richard. Howard said he did have him over to his house but he's not sure how close he was. Howard said that was a disaster having Richard over. He said it was a crazy fucking time. He said he thinks he only came over once. Howard said he was on Long Island and he'd never had a celebrity to his house. He said it just didn't happen. Howard said he tried it with Richard.
Howard said Joe Piscopo and his hot wife came over. Howard said her name was Kimberly. Howard said he didn't know any celebrities. He said he was friendly with Dee Snider. He said they'd hang and that was fun. Howard said he had Joe and his wife and invited Richard too. Howard said Joe was way into body building and his wife was perfect. He said they ate very little. Howard said Joe and Kimberly were smelling desserts because they weren't eating that stuff. Howard said Richard was late and he shows up while they were hanging out.
Howard said they had a housekeeper and she was just a nice woman helping with the kids. He was she was serving some of the hors d'oeuvres. He said Richard shows up and he comes bursting in with a sea of energy. Howard said Richard runs in and he introduces the housekeeper. Howard said he lifted her up and squeezed her super hard. He said your ribs would hurt when he did that. Howard said he ran out to the pool and threw the hors d'oeuvres into the pool. He said the kids were frightened. He said they were just little kids at the time.
Jimmy said he had Bill Hader and Richard Simmons on his show once. He said Richard was on and he said something during the conversation about his Mexican orphanage. He said he laughed when he heard that. He said Richard wheeled around during the break and went off on him for making fun of his orphanage. He said he would never forgive him. He said that he had to chase him down the hall. He said he flipped out and Bill Hader got up and left. He said he just left him with this maniac. Howard said that makes it worse. Jimmy said he was raging after the show. Howard said you never knew if he was really mad. Jimmy said he was really mad and very angry.
Jimmy said they did some things with Richard on the show. He said they had a poster board hanging in the office that was filled with crazy shit Richard said to the staff. Jimmy said they were come ons with many people. Howard said with women of course.
Jimmy said he was asked to go talk to Richard after the show but he just went home. He said if you're mad at him after the show just leave because he's never going to talk to you. He said that was the last time he saw Richard. Howard said he tried to get in touch with Richard but he didn't return his calls.
Jimmy said they were going to do a Richard Simmons and Sam Elliot bit on the show but they never did do it. He said Richard was so excited about meeting Sam on the show. He said he felt like he owed Sam an apology after the show. He said it was all on camera but he doesn't want to show it because it might be a violation of their privacy.
Howard said he tried to have Sam Kinison over to his house. He said he felt bad for Sam. He said he had a wife and he was dating his wife's sister. Jimmy said he went to high school with those girls. Howard said he was married to Malika and her sister Sabrina was carrying on with Sam. He said he's not even sure what was going on there.
Howard said Sam was playing near his house so he had him over. He said he figured he didn't have a regular home life so he had him over to see it. Howard said Sam came in the house and the kids were so scared. He said they ran from the room. Howard said the girls were dressed like super heroes and Sam was bigger than life. He said they sat down and had dinner but it had no impact on Sam. He said he ate the food they had though. He said things were crazy. He said he just stayed sequestered after that.
Howard said Sam was out of his fucking mind. He said he was the craziest person he ever met. Robin said Sam could sit in a chair though. Howard said Sam was completely out of control. Howard asked if Jimmy ever met him. Jimmy said he never did. Howard said he has 10 reasons why he was the craziest ever. Howard said Sam came to the station once and pulled out so much coke. He said he was freaking out. He said he had Robin pinned against the wall in his office and Robin was just giggling. He said he wasn't sure if she was liking it or not. Howard said Sam was out of his fucking mind.
Jimmy said it's so hard thinking that Howard would interact with a guy like that. Howard said he went to L.A. once and Sam brought them out. Robin said they almost died that night. Howard said Sam took medication and he was popping the pills and he said he had to hurry because the meds were going to kick in. He said they backed up in the middle of moving traffic to look at his own billboard. Howard said he pulled over to change his 5 CD changer in the trunk of his car. Howard said he just wanted to get back to his place. Howard said Sam asked what he should eat if he wants to get thin like him. Howard said he told him to eat healthy but he ordered spinach and he ordered it with cream.
Howard said Sam did his shows and by the second show he would have to give money back to people because the meds kicked in.
Gary came in and said that Sam had done a favor for Howard and he asked how to make it up. He brought in some Dom Perignon. He said Sam drank six bottles of it warm on the air. He said that was the same day he canceled the Joan Rivers show.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Jimmy to tell the story of the swans chasing them. Howard said he told that to Letterman. Jimmy said there are some details that are worth recounting. Jimmy said he was so excited that Howard got into fishing. Howard said he was into it until he felt bad for the fish. Howard said the fish die a day later after you touch them. Jimmy said that's total bullshit. Jimmy said you can catch the fish 15 minutes later because they're sot stupid.
Jimmy and Howard told the story about how they went fishing on this lake. Jimmy said he thinks Bianca was in the boat. Howard said no, she'd go to the dock. Jimmy said they were fishing with worms or something. He said there was a swan in the distance and it was beautiful. He said Howard told him about how aggressive they can be. He said this swan must have heard them. He said it rises up and starts moving toward them. Howard said that they can walk on the water with their flat feet. Howard said they're so big and wide that they can take their wing and smack you in the head and drag you under water. Howard said he was scared. Jimmy said he was too.
Jimmy said Howard started rowing because fishing was over. He said they were now fleeing. He said Howard was rowing and he grabbed and extra oar and he wasn't great with animals to begin with. He said he was thinking he was going to have to poke it with the oar. Howard said he was hoping he'd fight it for him. He said he was rowing and he's not the fastest rower.
Howard said imagine they were killed by a swan. He said if they had video of this they wouldn't be there right now. Jimmy said he doesn't think Beth was excited about him after that. Howard said they were two pussies. Jimmy said they made it back to shore and they had survived. He said they left everything out there in the boat and ran into the house. He said they never went fishing again.
Howard said later in the day he ran down there and got the fishing gear back. He said he had rented this house on the lake. Robin said she wondered if that story was true. Howard and Jimmy said it's true.
Howard played a clip of Jeff singing ''Born This Way.'' Howard said Gary won't eat breakfast this morning because he's afraid he'll have to puke if he sees this going on while holding the microphone. Howard said Richard, Gary and JD are going to be working the microphones. Howard said Richard ate a big omelet. He said he might want to vomit. He said this is something Jimmy is gong to want to talk about on his show.
Howard played a clip of Jeff asking Robin to vomit on him if she ever does Ayahuasca again. Howard said he thinks Jeff is one of those guys on public assistance. Jimmy was wondering what he does. Howard said they'll find out when he comes in.
Howard said Richard says the smell of Jeff is gross. Gary said it really is. He said he has a smell to him that fills the room. Howard said maybe they can bring him in to talk about some of that stuff. Gary said he isn't quite ready yet. Gary asked if Jimmy is ready for his breakfast. Jimmy laughed. Howard asked what he's having. Jimmy said it's eggs. Howard said he
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden. Howard said he started in with that anti-semite stuff the other day. Tommy said he loves the Jews. Howard said he saw that Billy Joel was wearing a big Jewish star on stage recently. He said he appreciated that.
Tommy said fuck Roger Waters. He asked Jimmy if he hates James Corden like he does. Jimmy said he actually likes him. Tommy said he's more over the top than Richard is. Howard said Richard isn't gay. He said he's seen him fuck many women. Howard said he doesn't want to get sued.
Howard said he watched a great scene that Jerry Lewis was in. He told the guys they should check it out. Howard said Jerry Lewis also bought into a radio station and he put a microphone in his living room so he could interrupt the station any time he wanted. Howard said that's fucking amazing. Howard said he did that too but it turned out to be very complicated. Howard said Jerry did this back in the 1960s. Howard said he'd interrupt the show from his house. Jimmy said that's crazy. Howard said he thought it was in Vegas but Jimmy said he thinks he would have known about that if it was. Howard said this was like 1960 though.
Howard said he can play some of the guy's favorite phony phone calls. He said this is just a taste of it. Howard said they'll have a whole day of this. Howard said Gary's was one about himself. He said it's called Flirty Gary. He said they called this woman Donna Corleone. Howard played the call and the guys had taken clips of Gary giving pick up lines and called this woman who had a radio show.
Howard said that's great. He said they have so many good ones. He said it's odd that Gary picked one about himself.
Howard said Jimmy produced a show called Crank Yankers that was great. Jimmy said sometimes they play their calls during the show. He said the Kevin Nealon calls make it on the show. Howard said Kevin is doing some fun stuff on Twitter. He said he interviews people while they're out hiking. He said it's good. He said he has a little TV thing going on Twitter. Robin said that he might end up on Netflix.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was playing the part of Jimmy's baby Billy. Sour was doing his baby voice. Howard said he hates that baby voice. He said he's scary when he does that. Billy was saying he's drinking his milkies now. He was nursing on Molly's tits. Howard asked about Molly's cunt. that led to Fred doing his Ronnie impression talking about her cunt. Howard spent a little more time with Baby Billy. Then Sour broke into his George Takei who was baby sitting Billy. George broke into song and sang to Billy. He was singing about his big cock. Howard asked if George saw the Tiger Woods penis pic. George said he has. Then Sour was doing his Richard Simmons impression. He told Jimmy he didn't appreciate that comment about ISIS. He broke into song and sang about Molly. Howard said Jimmy is going to get smacked in the head.
Howard did his Ronnie voice for a short time. then he found out he had an unplayed sex tip. He had a tip on how to make your own cock ring. He said you use an everything bagel so it has the prickly stuff on it. He said then you go down on your girl and end up eating your own cream cheese. Howard said he had Jimmy for a while but then he went too far.
Howard asked if that's a real sex tip. Jimmy said no. He said it has to be something that Ronnie has done. Howard said maybe he has done that. Jimmy said there's only one way to find out.
Howard said he has a bunch of them. He said he has to take a break. He said he gets all charged up with Jimmy there. Howard said maybe he'll play them later in the show.
Howard said he has a new Scott the Engineer clip where he talks about his day. Howard said he has to play this. He said this is real stuff. He said it's not bullshit. He said no one wrote him a script. He said this is a Scott Salem day in review. Howard played the clip and Scott talked about how he hit a pothole on his way to work and got a flat. He was on the side of the road changing a tire. He said at work his computer crashed and he lost a lot of work. Scott said it was just him and no one else. Scott said he went to the Greek truck outside to get some dinner but the line was around the corner. He said fuck that, I'll starve. He said he got home and found out his electricity went out. He had to reset all of the clocks and the power went out again after he was done doing that. Everyone was cracking up. Howard said that was really his day. He said every day is like that for Scott. Howard said the guy is cursed. Howard said Scott doesn't even argue that he's cursed.
Howard said Scott must have done something really bad in a previous life. Howard said he must have been Hitler. Howard asked Scott to come in and verify that this was all true. He played a song parody that Scott did. Howard said everything with Scott is just a disaster. Jimmy said he's the most famous radio engineer in history and he has no happiness.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said fuck Scott. Gary said he's on his way. He said he just moves slowly.
Scott showed up so Howard asked if that day in review was true. Scott said he doesn't lie. He said today is so far so good. He said they have their fantasy draft today and he knows that won't go well. Gary said that they want it to move quickly and Scott doesn't. He said he takes his full 5 minutes to make his pick. He said he takes the longest out of everyone. Scott said he needs time to think.
Howard said Scott walked out of a meeting the other day because he was upset that a voice processor was going to be too much work. Howard asked why he would do that. Scott said he doesn't remember.
Jimmy asked if Scott ever won the fantasy football league. Scott said no. Howard said Scott's mother told him that he has a black cloud over him. Scott said it's the whole family. Robin asked how many people are in the family. Scott said he only has one sister. He said it's the whole family tree though.
Howard said his favorite Scott story was that he was a bed wetter and his mom bought a mattress that would shock him when he wet the bed. Jimmy said that's like being Frankenstein. Fred played some audio of a guy screaming after getting Tazed.
Howard said that bed had like 5 levels of shock. Scott said he doesn't remember what they were. Howard said he doesn't think they can legally sell that. Jimmy said he doesn't think so. Howard said they must have a Scott the Engineer law.
Jimmy asked if Scott's sister is like him. Scott said she is more outgoing but she has that same cloud over her. He didn't want to get into it about her life. Howard asked about the mattress shocker thing. Scott said it did work with him. He stopped wetting the bed.
Jimmy asked when he went bald. Scott said it was in his 30s. Jimmy asked if it had anything to do with the shocker. Scott said he doesn't think so.
Robin said she looked up the bed wetting thing and one of them was called the Dry Buddy. Howard said no one was Scott's buddy.
Jimmy asked if Scott masturbates at all. Scott said very rarely. He said nothing comes out. He said he had an enlarged prostate. He said to reduce the size they gave him medication and now he doesn't shoot out anything. Howard said that's a good one for reviewing his day.
Howard said there really is a black cloud over Scott. He can't even jerk off. Scott said he does it a couple of times a month.
Howard said he's fascinated that he has nothing coming out when he cums. Scott said nothing changes other than nothing coming out. He said he doesn't have to get up in the middle of the night anymore to pee. Howard said eating and cumming are two of the great joys in life and now Scott doesn't have one.
Howard said if he could talk to Scott all day but he has to take a break. He said it's been and hour and 25 minutes. Howard and the guys did their Scott impressions and goofed on him for a little bit.
Jimmy asked if he welcomes death. Scott said he thinks that something good could happen so he keeps his hopes up. Howard asked if he can mention some bad things that have happened to his family. Scott said a lot of cancer at young ages and things like that. Howard said he doesn't mean to laugh but he can't help it. Scott said a lot of people dying at young ages too. Jimmy said he must be the white sheep of the family. Scott said he's the star of the family. Howard said the family crest is a tumor. Scott said all 9 of the sons that have been with his mom's side of the family had something horrible happen to them. He said bad things happen to a lot of people though. Howard said he really does have to take a break now. Jimmy said Scott makes other people feel better about their lives. Scott said he's glad he could help.
Howard said that they say the glass is half full in some families but in his family they say the glass is half fucked over. Howard was doing his Scott voice. Fred said he's the George Clooney of Doom in that family.
Howard said people think they go overboard with the ''Chh'' sound with Scott but he has a clip of him making it. He played the clip. Fred said something about Scott combing his arm hair instead of cumming and had Howard cracking up. Howard was laughing really hard at that joke.
Scott said he has a beard and it's going bald. He said he has patches of baldness in his beard. Howard said no one noticed. Jimmy said he thinks that's called mange. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard said Jimmy is on vacation this week from his late night show. Howard said they heard about his day with Paul Shaffer the other day. Jimmy said he did something that Howard would like. He said he went to an illustrator's museum. He said he went by himself. He said they had a Spider-Man exhibit. He said they had these drawings of the original comics. He said that he used to read them so he recognized them. Howard said he didn't know he was that into it. Jimmy said he wanted to be a comic book artist. He said he isn't sure what happened there. Howard said Jimmy is really good at drawing.
Howard said he knows he should go see these places but he never has time for it. Jimmy said this one was small. He said it's like 15 minutes to walk through it.
Jimmy said he got together with Seth Meyers last night too. He said that it's fun to talk through their daily schedule to compare. Howard said that Jimmy is on ABC and Seth is on NBC so that's weird. Jimmy said that it was a few hours long and it was very romantic too.
Howard asked how their day differs. Jimmy talked about what he does during his day. Howard said he doesn't get to see his kids long. Jimmy said he has weekends. Howard said his daughter loves him. He said kids are scared of him so he has to work at it. Jimmy said she knows Howard's voice because she hears it a lot. Howard said he does the name game for her and Beth bums out because he does it too much. Howard said it's that he does the build up for the game. He said he hums before the song. He said whatever she's doing she stops dead in her tracks. Howard said he sings the name game to Jane and she loves it. Howard explained how he does it for her.
Howard said Beth walks in the room and it's like a Barbie walked in the room. He said she's an angel. He said then they think Ken is going to walk in the room but Howard walks in. He said they look at him and start to cry. Howard said he knows he's a mess but if you want low self esteem then just look at him. He said dogs bark at him too. He said he met Beth's family and they're all super good looking. He said Beth was modeling at 9 and her mom is very good looking and her dad is too. He said he walks in the room and everyone treats him reasonably. Their dog started growling at him though. He said it's like Barbie married a monster. Howard said he can't go to adults and start singing the name game. He said that won't work.
Robin asked why people like Beauty and the Beast so much. Howard said it's because the beast turns into a handsome prince. He said that doesn't happen in real life though. Jimmy asked what kind of lesson that is. Howard said at your very best you end up looking like Penn Jillette. Howard said he loves Penn a lot. He said that he saw him on Bill Maher's show and he's lost a lot of weight. Howard said he's a good dude.
Howard said Jane is a cute kid. He said she was holding his hand and she was so into him. Howard said he's exhausted from working so hard to get that from her. Jimmy said the secret is to give her a $4 trinket. Howard said that's what Beth does. He said she's good at that. Jimmy said Beth will leave the gifts for Jane and she doesn't know that they're getting the credit. Howard said he'll get Beth upstairs and ask her why she's letting Molly give them to her. Jimmy said he'll make sure she knows gifts are from him if he buys them.
Howard said his dad never spoke to him as a kid. He said Jimmy is doing good. Howard said his dad still doesn't talk to him. Jimmy said his dad tells him about the health issues he has. He said that he had a picture of what he thinks is his ass. He said his dad sent him a picture of ant bites and he wants to know what Howard thinks. Howard said he'll check it out.
Howard said his daughter went to a concert and sat on the ground and got bitten by something. Jimmy said that he thinks this is his ass. Howard took a look and it was his ass. Howard said he should put it out and say it's part of the Tiger Woods hack. Jimmy said his brother told him not to show this to anyone else. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said they are going to meet Lindsay who is there to vomit on Jeff the Vomit Guy Levy. Howard said Lindsay has on short shorts. He thanked her for wearing that sexy outfit. Howard said when you have a beautiful woman on the show like that they have to wear something sexy. He said it's a bummer when someone hot comes on the show in pants and a shirt covering everything up. Howard said Kendall Jenner was on Jimmy's show. He said if it's a boring outfit it turns him off. Howard said even Beth feels that way.
Howard said if he DVRs Jimmy's show and he sees a woman like that he gets angry for Jimmy. Howard said he knows Jimmy is thinking that. He said he just can't say anything. Howard asked if Jimmy goes into the dressing room before the show. Jimmy said no. He said he waits until on the air. Jimmy said he hates doing a pretend hello on stage. Howard said everyone has a different strategy. Howard asked what Seth Meyers does. Jimmy said he didn't ask.
Howard said that Kendall Jenner knew what people wanted. He said that's why he wants to thank Lindsay for wearing what she wore. She had some booty shorts or something like that on.
Jimmy said the studio reminds him of the scene in E.T. when they had the plastic set up. Howard asked Lindsay about vomiting on guys before. She said she doesn't have a very good resistance to her gag reflex so that's why she won't deep throat. Howard said that Gary might vomit if he sees something. Gary sounded kind of bummed. Gary was wearing a mask and talking through it so it was muffled. Gary said Richard isn't wearing one because he thinks he might puke in one. Jimmy said if Gary pukes in that mask it'll be funny.
Howard said Lindsay is a dominatrix of sorts. Lindsay said it's not really a dominatrix. She said she used to be more of that but she has a normal job now. Jimmy said not after this she won't. Howard asked how she got in the business. Lindsay said about 10 years ago, in 2009, she saw something about a job doing wedgie shoots. She said it was girls only giving and getting wedgies. She said that they'd be hog tied doing that. Howard asked if it hurts the vagina too. Lindsay said it chafes the asshole a lot.
Howard asked what she did after that. Lindsay said that she got into the foot fetish business and that grew into a bunch of other things. Howard asked if they were wealthy men doing this. She said they weren't even wealthy. She was getting $200 an hour to do this stuff. She said that she once met a guy at his business to shit on a guy but it didn't happen. She said as soon as she got home she was ready to go. She said that she still got paid though. She said she gave him a discount.
Howard asked Lindsay if she has any fear going up to these guy's houses. Lindsay said she used to be. She said that she can make some decent money doing this stuff. She made a living.
Howard asked if she did any of the ball kicking stuff. Lindsay said she knows people who do it. She said there are guys who like to be kicked in the balls. Jimmy said this is fascinating. He said it's hard to understand people wanting it and people doing it. Howard asked if it turns her on at all. Lindsay said not at all. She said it's just a job for her. She said it's fetish work.
Lindsay said that she has a guy she kicks in the balls and then he cums on her feet and he licks it off. Lindsay said she tells him to cum on her feet. Howard asked if any of these guys are attractive. Lindsay said this guy isn't bad but a lot aren't.
Howard asked Lindsay if she has ever gotten involved with any of these guys. Lindsay said that she got involved with one guy at a club she was dancing at. Jimmy said that you can really hurt a guy by kicking him in the balls. Lindsay said she doesn't do it on the first meeting. She said she gets to know how much they can take. She said she knows all about these guys and why they do this. She said they mostly say they love their wife but they aren't comfortable doing this with them.
Howard asked if she has had boyfriends who get jealous. Lindsay said yes. Howard asked if she can be in a relationship. Lindsay said she is in one now.
Howard asked if Jimmy ever asked Molly to defecate on him. Jimmy said he doesn't have to ask. He said that's just love. He said she knows what he needs.
Howard asked if there's ever been something that Lindsay has been asked to do that she won't do. Lindsay said when she was about 21 or so she was working in clubs stripping and this one guy wanted to be stabbed with a scalpel. She said that's something she didn't want to get involved with. Howard said Fred is into that too. Lindsay said that there was one guy who was into Necrophilia who wanted to put a girl in a tub filled with ice and make love to them cold. She said that was like a horror movie. Jimmy said it wasn't like a horror movie, it was a horror movie.
Howard said Jeff the Vomit Guy is going to come in and Lindsay is going to vomit on Jeff. Howard said that he may take a break first. He said this got so out of control. He said Jeff was calling Shuli 8 times a day asking for them to find someone for him. Howard said it was like they had a conspiracy against him. Jimmy said everyone in the room looks sad right now other than Howard. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said Jeff the Vomit Guy is there. He said he smells from what people are saying. Jeff said he takes 2 showers a day and he washes his clothes so he doesn't smell. He said that it's just going from past performances. Howard said they say he smells today. Howard said Lindsay and all the guys said he smells. Howard said there is some sort of odor.
Lindsay said she did smell something earlier. She said she smelled pee. Jeff said he's a 60 year old virgin. He said he is good at masturbating. Howard asked if he ever tried to have sex. Jeff said that he has never met a girl in a serious relationship that would lead to that sexual romance. He said he is lonely and he lives in his own deviant world. He said he has some friends too. Howard asked if he's the guy that he shits on. Jeff said that this guy owns a web site that has people shitting on each other. He said that they masturbate in the room at the same time. He said they both get naked and masturbate. Jeff said he doesn't feel self conscious at all. He said the other guy is into enemas and dildos and stuff. He said that he doesn't do anything with him but that guy is bi-sexual.
Howard said he thinks he lost Jimmy over there. Jimmy said he thinks he's not as weird looking as he thought he'd be.
Howard asked Jeff about getting vomited on. Jeff said that he picked up a girl who was 17 or 18 who was wasted at some bar. He said the bouncers didn't let her in. He said he knew she was going o throw up. He said he hung around her a while and told her she'd feel better if she vomited. Howard said he has to get to this now.
Howard asked Lindsay if she's ready. Jimmy said this would be a good time to have Gwyneth Paltrow stop by. Howard said he was going to have Margot Robbie in but this is happening instead.
Howard asked JD and Richard if they're ready. They were ready to go. Ronnie was in the room too. Jimmy said Jeff almost fell. Jeff said he has a bad knee. Jeff took off his tank top and laid down. Richard sounded like he was ready to throw up already.
Howard asked Jeff if he's ready to go. Jeff said that he masturbates so much that he's not sure if he'll have anything to go. Howard said he can wait until he goes home to do that. Jeff said that he's very happy to meet Lindsay. He said it's a Roman Shower. Howard said be quiet and lay down. Jimmy said he has a sweat spot on his asshole.
Howard asked what Lindsay ate. She said she had some lentil soup and some cold and thick leftover stew. Lindsay said that she is feeling nauseous now. She said she wasn't a few minutes ago. Jeff asked if he can nauseate women just by showing up. Lindsay said she's seen worse.
Howard asked why they're doing this. Robin said it was Howard who wanted to do it. Howard said he just wants to get it over with. Howard asked Jeff to be quiet for a minute. He talks a lot.
Howard asked Lindsay if she's ready to go. Lindsay said she had to take a sip. Jeff started singing a song about vomiting girls. Howard asked him to calm down. Lindsay asked if she has to avoid any stuff there. Howard said just throw up on him and get it over with.
Lindsay said she's going to stick her finger down her throat. Jimmy moaned. Lindsay did it and started to puke on Jeff. Richard was ready to puke himself. Lindsay got some puke out and Richard was gagging. Howard said Gary is going too. Jimmy was cracking up. Richard was vomiting and cracking Jimmy up. Gary was about to throw up too.
Howard asked if Gary is alright. Richard threw up and Gary was on his way. Richard was still going. Gary asked them to give Lindsay something to wipe her mouth. Jeff said this feels quite interesting. He said that was the real deal. Lindsay said she came to deliver and she did.
Jimmy said he's never been more unhappy. Howard said if he steals this bit he'll be pissed. Jeff said this is a primitive thing in him. Jimmy asked Lindsay to vomit in Jeff's mouth to shut him up.
Howard asked if Jeff feels aroused. Jeff said that he does but he won't masturbate. He said he'll wait until he goes home. Howard let out a belch.
Shuli said he was going to puke in the hall and he ran in and Richard almost puked on his head. Jeff said he's not sure why he likes this. Jimmy yelled that he's fucking insane, that's why.
Gary said he's a sick fuck. He said he knows they have to be nice to their guests but he had to say that.
Richard started puking again when Jeff touched the puke. Jeff said that it's a three course meal. Howard said Jimmy was going on vacation and he ended up doing this. Howard said never have Jeff in there again.
Jimmy said that he hopes they got Gary's face on camera. Howard said they have it on video so they may have to release it.
Jeff asked if he can plug something. Richard told him to plug his mouth. Jeff said anyone who wants to use him as a vomit coach can get in touch with him. Howard just cut him off and went to break.
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Howard finished up the live commercial read and came right back. They were talking about the Mayweather McGregor fight and Howard said he's going to watch it with Jimmy on Saturday.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been listening for 30 years and this was one of the funniest things he's heard. He said they should put that on Pay-Per-View. Howard said they had a meeting yesterday about how to cover this on video. He said they mic'd it the right way. He said they had boom microphones and everything. Jimmy said it was the best coverage of a man being vomited on ever.
Jimmy said Richard kind of scooted out of there after the puking. The caller asked if this is the best vacation he's ever had. Jimmy said it is. Howard said now they have a woman coming in to shit. He said that will really make him puke.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it would have been great if Letterman was there for that bit. He also asked if Howard thinks Trump has lost it and has dementia or something. Howard said the thing he found unusual is that he was backing away from what he was saying about the Nazis. Jimmy said he left out that he said ''on both sides'' when he was defending people. Howard said just back it up all out. Howard said he had a rally and he's not sure why. Jimmy said he loves them. Howard said it didn't make any sense to him. He said we all know what was said. Jimmy said there are people who will go along with him on that.
Robin said there are times when you see dictators and they have people out there supporting them and you wonder if they're being forced to do it. She said here in this country we have people supporting Trump.
Howard said we defeated the Nazis and it was the worst thing in our history. Howard said it was horrible and in no way can the President defend Nazis. Robin said Howard is being the media now and continuing to divide this country.
Howard said there's a guy who wrote a piece on Trump in the Chicago Tribune. Howard had an audio clip of this woman going off on this guy who wrote the article. She was complaining about the guy and telling him to go back to India and we should take down all of the Buddha statues.
Howard said Alex Jones was like ''chill out lady.'' Fred said the guy she was telling to go back to India was born in Illinois.
Jimmy said he saw the rally and Trump thanked Martin Luther King Jr's niece and he can't imagine she was actually there. Howard said he can't take this politics stuff anymore.
JD came in and said that the niece was there and she's a big trump supporter. Howard asked if she was there to say that she agrees with what he said. JD said he didn't see the speech either so he's not sure.
Howard said he's not sure why he's against the media. He said if we didn't have that we'd be like any other country. Jimmy said he thinks that Sarah Palin started that. Robin said this is like disinformation. She said you make everyone doubt the press and you can do anything you want.
Howard asked what citizen would be against the press. He said it's fantastic that we can live in this country and say what we want about the people in power. Howard said that he has been the victim of fake stories in the news but he still loves the press. Howard said this is the greatest freedom we have. He said that's how he feels.
Howard said if democrats want to win they have to get their shit together and start railing and screaming about Nazis. He said they have to play it up. He said he might have to run for president. Jimmy said he might have to.
Howard said he didn't get any email about George Stephanopoulos. Howard said they got a lot of email about Jimmy on the show though. Howard asked if Jimmy got any feedback. Jimmy said his friends were excited. Howard read some of the email and people enjoyed Jimmy on the show. Howard said he's sure after the vomit segment people are going to love the show.
Howard took a call from fake Hillary Clinton who was puking after that Jeff vomit segment. Howard said that Hillary must be freaking out after losing. Jimmy said he's had her on the show a few times and he thought that she'd win easily. He said that was early on. He said that she told him to be careful what he wishes for.
Howard read more email about Jimmy and someone said he was keeping Howard in check. Jimmy said he didn't think he was.
Howard said he didn't care about the eclipse on Monday but there were clips of people going crazy over it. He said this one guy was in tears over it. Howard said JD found him some clips to play. Howard said he's not moved by anything. He was wondering if he's the same species as these people. Howard played the clip of this guy breaking down and getting teary eyed. The guy said he's been dreaming of this for a long time.
Howard said the first time he fucked Beth he came close to that feeling. He said he never feels that way so there must be something wrong with him. Howard said he was critical of Jimmy when he cried over John Ritter and the lion but at least it was a person and an animal. Howard said this was over an eclipse. He said he's not sure why it's a big deal.
Jimmy said they weren't in the path of the full darkness. Howard said Sarah Jessica Parker must have been because she was going berserk on Instagram. Howard said she was on a boat posting pictures. Howard said he knows her and she doesn't seem to emote that much but she was going wild. Howard played a clip of her freaking out. Howard said maybe she was trying to get her kids going.
Howard said that's how he fantasizes about women reacting to seeing his penis. Jimmy said it's just one of those things that you know about but then you see them. Jimmy said the Eiffel tower is one of those things for him. Jimmy said you hear about it your whole life and when you see it in person it's overwhelming.
Howard said Jimmy wouldn't want to travel with him. Jimmy said he has many times. Howard said one time they were in a resort and the people who worked there wore burlap bag shirts and they put their hand over their heart. Howard said he was walking to dinner and he sees this guy in his uniform come walking over to him and it turns out it was Jimmy. He said he bought the uniform in the gift shop. Howard said he did get excited about that. He said it was a good joke.
Howard played more of the Sarah Jessica Parker clip and said she's really excited about this. She said it was so humbling. Howard said he didn't even have that reaction when his kids were born. Jimmy asked if he has spoken to his parents about the eclipse. Howard said they don't care about that. He said they don't care about anything.
Howard said his parents have a routine they stick to and they can't eat at a different time. He did his parent's voices and had them talking about the eclipse. He said they don't get excited about anything. He said Sarah Jessica Parker is going nuts. He said this points out what's wrong with him.
Robin said if you drag people on a boat to watch that then you have to be that excited. Howard said he doesn't know. He played more of Sarah going nuts and talking about how it was so humbling and extraordinary. Howard asked where his passion is and why he doesn't act like that. He said she sees something in it. Howard said he wants to know where his emotional reaction is. He said he doesn't have any of that.
Howard said someone sent him a carton of Robin with a spaghetti strainer on her head. He said that was so good. Howard said he wants to know when he's going to be excited about that stuff. Jimmy said he has to put himself in those situations. Howard said nothing moves him. Robin said someone said that Howard is so anti-nature. Howard said he's all for it. He said he loves being inside. He said Beth loves summer and he waits for rainy days in the summer. He said he goes to his office to do stuff inside. He said he loves to paint or watch TV. He said then it's sunny out and she asks him to sit outside. He said he isn't sure what it is. He said he loves rainy days. Robin said he loves indoors. Howard said he doesn't like outdoors. He did that in his Soupy Sales voice.
Jimmy said in Milan they have the Last Supper painting. He said they have this on the wall in a huge room. He said it's just that. Howard said he'd like to see that actually. Jimmy said it's overwhelming. Howard said he wants to see it to make him a better painter. He said he can see it in a book. Jimmy said it's different in person. Robin said you can't see it. Howard said it's the hassle of getting on a plane and going. Howard said he has a better chance of going to Mars than going to Italy.
Howard said that Jimmy is so good with technology. He said he shops on the internet. He said he'll mention something he wants and Jimmy will go on and find it and get it to his door in 3 seconds. Robin said that Howard didn't use Amazon at first. Jimmy said Howard will get there eventually. Howard said we'll see.
Howard said even Beth doesn't want to do this stuff. Jimmy said that maybe she does but she knows Howard might be miserable. Howard said she's trying to get him to go to something that Jimmy is going to do and he asked how many hours he's going to be on the plane. Howard said that he's not sure it's worth the plane ride. Jimmy said it's like being couped up in his office on a rainy day. Howard said yeah but his office won't crash like a plane. Jimmy said that if he did crash then things are just over and you won't know it. He said that you have 8 minutes of terror and you're done.
Howard said he invited his parents over for dinner and they refused to come. Jimmy said that's Howard in the future. He said he has to break that cycle. Howard said he doesn't like going out. He said Beth is learning and getting used to a strict routine.
Howard said that Beth is so gorgeous and he's not sure what she's doing with him. Jimmy said that the walls of the prison are getting taller and taller as the years go by. Howard said he loves that she loves him but he wonders why. He said he's a misery and everything is torture.
Robin said she found it hard to believe that Howard was on the beach picking up garbage. Howard said even that he doesn't like because people are horrible. He said that he has germ phobia and Beth is picking up garbage on the beach. He said she has 20 pounds of garbage in her hands and he's not carrying a thing. He said he's hands free because he won't touch anything disgusting. Howard said he has to show her he's a man so he starts picking up garbage. Howard said all he wanted to do was go for a walk. Howard said everything is horrible. He said he's walking on the beach sweating and not wanting to touch his face because he's touching all of this garbage. Jimmy said if he thinks balloons are ridden with germs he's really out there. He said they're blown up by machines.
Howard said he's out there picking up garbage and people walk by saying ''that's wonderful'' and he wonders why they're not helping. Howard said it's just awful.
Howard said he's seen Jimmy miserable too. He said he has to prepare for the Oscars. He said fuck them for not paying Jimmy. He said he's just saying what Jimmy is thinking. Howard asked why he's doing it. Jimmy said he has no idea. He said when it goes well it's great. Howard said he's just one of a handful of people who have done that. Howard said Ellen did it once. Howard said she gets like $50 million a year. Jimmy said he saw that. Howard said he thinks they're right about that but they're wrong about how much he makes. Jimmy said they're wrong about him too. Howard asked how much ABC is making off of his show. Jimmy said they can only guess.
Howard said he doesn't like that his agent represents Colbert too. He said that he knows how much Colbert makes and maybe Jimmy should make more. Jimmy said he doesn't mind. He said his agent is out of his god damn mind. Howard said he'd be nervous about that. Jimmy said his name is Baby Doll Dixon. He said he's nuts. Howard said he's heard that.
Howard said he thinks Jimmy should be paid to do the Oscars. He said he only gets 15 grand. Jimmy said last year it was like a favor to him. He said maybe this year he'll make 16,000.
Howard asked if he heard that he got for Robin's birthday. Jimmy said he did. He got her giant wind chimes. Jimmy asked if they're hanging. Robin said they are up. Jimmy asked if everyone hears them. Robin said she was walking far away and she heard them the entire walk. Robin said that she was thinking about how Howard is annoying her neighbors now.
Howard said Robin lives on the water so why not just listen to the water. Robin said she hears plenty of water. Howard said she's like a witch or something. Howard said it's getting late so they have to get to news. He did a live commercial read first.
Howard asked Jimmy if the monologue is the hardest part of the Oscars. Jimmy said it is. He said that they have thousands of jokes to go through. He said that you might have a joke 6 weeks out and you get tired of it. He said he makes notes as he goes along.
Howard said that he could do eclipse material. Jimmy said he might do that. He said he could give Sarah Jessica Parker an award for her eclipse performance.
Howard said he has an eclipse phony phone call. He said the guys called in and went blind calling into a psychic show. Howard played the call and one of the guys called in as a woman watching the eclipse through a pinhole in a box. Then her eyes started sizzling and she started to scream. They hung up on the caller. Then they had another guy call in as a guy who made his own eclipse glasses. He looked and caught fire. They kept taking calls from people whose eyes were burning. Jimmy said any calls those shows get have to be prank calls. He said they can't be real.
Robin said that her boyfriend is in the news. Lenny Dykstra is being accused of trashing his hotel room in the Hamptons. Robin said they say he stole the towels and linen. Howard said he can't imagine that. Robin said the guests were complaining about noise and weed smoking. Robin said a naked woman answered the door when someone went to complain. Robin said that Lenny is denying using drugs or stealing anything. Fred played a clip of Lenny saying he wanted to lick pussy. Jimmy said his cousin Sal has gotten close to Lenny somehow and he came to the show one night. Howard wondered if he actually gets women. Robin said they did say this woman answered the door.
Howard said he has that woman on the phone. He picked up and had Wendy the Slow Adult on the phone. She was answering questions as the naked woman in Lenny Dykstra's room. Howard would ask her questions and Wendy would answer the way Howard wanted her to. Wendy said hi to Jimmy too. She said it's good to talk to him. She said she has really wanted to come on the show and be his guest and sing. Jimmy said he was hoping to watch the eclipse with her on Monday. Wendy said she watched it. Jimmy asked if she wore special glasses. Wendy said she made a cardboard box out of glasses. Howard asked why not just use the glasses. Wendy said it saves money. Jimmy asked how she made it. Wendy said that you cut a hole in the box and tape it together. She said she knows she can't look at the sun or you'll go blind. Wendy asked if there's any way she can do something for some money. Howard said he just got disconnected. He did a live commercial read after that.
After the commercial Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression. Howard had mentioned Gary in the commercial. He quickly changed into Jackie the Joke Man as Howard was about to hang up. Sour Jackie had eclipse jokes for Howard. Howard said he roots for Jackie and his stand up. He said these new jokes are killing. Howard kept him on for a couple more jokes and then let him go.
Jimmy said he has a friend who started listening to the show just recently. He said he had to explain Jackie. He said that Jackie has been gone for how long now. Robin said it's at least 15 years. Jimmy said he still comes up once a month or so.
Howard said Letterman is getting $12 million to do the Netflix special. Howard said it's six shows. Howard said they have like 7 billion allotted for programming. Howard said they don't seem to want to save any of it. Howard said they're really out there. Jimmy said you'd think they'd keep it under wraps. Robin said it is a public company. Robin said she's looking at the stock price right now. Jimmy said sports is the only other place you know what people got paid. Howard said maybe it's the publicity that they want.
Robin read a story about a young boy who was with his teacher. Howard said a lot of these teachers are hot. Robin said this woman is tattooed. Howard said she's hot. Robin said the kid sued her and got $750,000. Howard asked what teacher has that kind of money. Robin said they sue the school system, not the teacher. Robin said they're supposed to protect the kids from these teachers.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard has nay idea when the fight is on this Saturday. Jimmy said it's supposed to start at 9 but they rarely start on time. Howard said he's going to bail on that. Jimmy said it should be over pretty quick. Howard said he'd watch it but he may not be able to say up that late. Jimmy told him to take a nap. Howard said he does but he still has to go to bed before 9. He said there's something wrong with him. Jimmy told him to tape it and watch it at 4 in the morning.
Howard said he's thinking about these kids who fuck their teachers. Howard said his wrist would hurt from high fiving people. Howard said if that was his son he'd be pissed but the kid probably told his friends and all hell broke loose. Robin said that the teacher was taking the kid all over the place to give him oral and other stuff.
Robin read a story about George Clooney and his wife giving a million dollars to an anti-hate group. Howard said he was going to do that but he beat him to it. Howard said he picks up balloons off the beach. Howard said he actually does commend them for that.
Robin read a story about people going to Mexico and a warning being issued. Robin said the state department said that there have been violent crimes against Americans down there in Mexico. Robin said they're telling people to stay away from a bunch of places near the Mexican border.
Robin read a story about a condo in Queens where they have plastered up swastikas and honoring Mousolini and Hitler and also President Trump. Jimmy said maybe he's messing with Trump. Robin said that they don't know why this guy who runs the building is letting it happen. Robin said the board of the building may have approved it. Howard said his building puts up horrible Halloween decorations and he'd almost prefer this stuff. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked when the best time in Jimmy's career was. Jimmy said it was his first radio job in Seattle. He said he was on KZOK in Seattle. Howard said that was a great station. Howard asked what was so great about the job. Jimmy said it was his first paying radio job and he was left to do what he wanted. He said his friend did the show with him but he got out of radio after a while. He said he lives in Surprise, Arizona now. Howard said they're lucky they get to stay in radio. He said they're so talented.
Robin read a story about Trump's rally in Phoenix last night. Robin said the heat took a toll on people. Robin said over 50 people were treated for heat exhaustion and dehydration. Robin said Trump made some statements about the furor over his comments he made about Charlottesville. Jimmy said the way he reads this stuff is insane. He said he's thinks he was reading and making stuff up. Robin had a few clips for Howard to play. Robin had one where Trump was going off on George Stephanopoulos. Howard asked if Jimmy thinks he'll last the entire 4 years. Jimmy said no. He said if there is something with Russia then he'll find a way out before he has to go through it. He said he'll find some spectacular way to get out and start his own network or something. Robin had more clips for Howard to play. She had one of Trump talking about building that wall. Howard said there is no wall. He said there's nothing close to building that wall. Jimmy said of course not, it's a ridiculous waste of money. Howard said it turns out they need Mexicans to build the wall.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton talking about how creeped out she was when Trump stood behind her at the debates last year. Robin had some audio of Hillary's audio book where she talked about that. Howard said that's what she should have done during the debate. Howard said she should have said it then and not in her book. Robin had another clip of Hillary talking about how her skin was crawling with Trump behind her. Howard wondered why she can't speak like a normal person instead of sounding like she's reading. Howard said he has more of her audio book. He played a clip of her saying Bill's small cock was never hard for her. Howard had a few of those edited clips. Howard said that read sounds more natural.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a long time fan and he has to stop with the Trump bashing. Robin said no we don't. The caller said he will stop listening. Howard said they don't trash trump a lot. Howard told the guy to grow the fuck up. He said there's a lot of funny shit going on. Robin asked what happened to free speech. Jimmy said thanks for voting for that imbecile you moron.
Howard took a call from Wolfie who will be following Ronnie out in Vegas. Wolfie asked if he can share a toothbrush with Ronnie. He said he's all set to go. Wolfie said that they weren't able to line up being on the same flight with him but he will be in the same hotel. Wolfie said he can't wait for this.
Howard took another Sour Shoes call. He was doing his Jackie impression and telling more jokes. He said Robin took him out to lunch 3 months ago. He said he paid her back with jokes. He told a few more jokes before Howard let him go.
Robin read about how a Congresswoman is threatening Trump with impeachment. Robin had some audio of this representative speaking.
Robin had some audio of Rex Tillerson talking about the war in Afghanistan. Howard said we just need to get the fuck out of there. Howard said if you want to win you have to build the country so they can have a military to fight. Howard said Trump said he was going to pull out of there. Robin said that's why he had to have this speech yesterday. Howard said we killed bin Laden so we should get the hell out. Robin said that if we do that then it's a Taliban mess. Howard said he knows but they all live over there anyway. Howard was talking about turning Pakistan into a shopping mall. He said that it would be a high end shopping mall so it would be really nice. He was mentioning stores that would be in there that have been gone for almost 20 years.
Robin read a story about how a lot of people are having unintended pregnancies after a new baby. Howard said people think they can fuck and not get pregnant. Howard asked how they don't know that. Robin said that fertility is suppressed but it's possible to get pregnant. Howard asked if Jimmy is going to have any more kids. Jimmy said he may get a vasectomy. Howard said he heard there are many unintentional pregnancies after a vasectomy. Howard asked if he uses condoms. Jimmy said he doesn't use condoms. He said Molly takes birth control pills. Howard said Ronnie likes to fuck while women are in labor. Robin had some audio of someone from a clinic talking about how they give birth control after a birth.
Robin read a story about a woman who wrote a book about being transgender and what she's gone through with surgeries. Robin was going through that and Howard and the guys were doing their Ronnie impressions. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.