Howard started the show talking about how he wishes the show were over already. He said he'd like to travel into the future 4 hours and get out of there. He said he slept for 9 hours last night. He said he might be depressed. He did get up to pee and change his shirt because he sweats through it. Robin said he sounds like he's going through withdrawals. Howard said he is. He misses Fred.
Howard said they have a pregnant cat in the house and they're going to have a birth in the house. He wanted it to happen over the weekend but now he knows it will happen when he's not there. He said it would have been a fun thing to witness.
Howard said he got a lot of sleep but he might be depressed. He asked what the definition is for depression. Robin said he just has the blues. Robin said depression is a chemical thing. She said that it's something you cant divert. Howard said he thinks he's somewhere around there. He said he seems to be having one day after another.
Howard said he was reading about how Reggie Jackson went to a Yankee game and instead of sitting in a special area he just went and got a seat where the fans sit. He said someone wrote to the Daily News about what a dick he is. Howard said the guy isn't a dick. He just wanted to be left alone. Howard said every person there wanted to sit there and bother the fucking guy.
Howard read the letter that was in the paper about Reggie. The guy was complaining about how they were sitting at the game and he had 4 seats in one row and another one in a different row. He said Reggie Jackson sat next to him and they were excited at first. He said he quietly tried to say hello to him. He said Reggie didn't acknowledge him. Howard said people are such douche bags. He said he wanted to be left alone. He went on to read that the guy tried to take a picture with Reggie but he didn't want to draw attention. Howard said the guy didn't want to take a picture after he didn't shake his hand or say hello to him. Howard said Reggie wanted to be left alone.
Howard read more and the guy said Reggie told him to leave him alone and not to ruin his day so turn around and watch the game. Howard said another woman moved over to Reggie and tried to talk to him. Howard read about how Reggie treated that woman while he was just trying to watch a game. Howard said he's not sure what's wrong with him or with these people. Howard said just leave the fucking guy alone.
Howard read more about how this woman was talking about her mother and asking to take a picture. Howard said that woman should have been visiting her mother and not at the game if she was that worried about her.
Howard said that Reggie was telling everyone to just watch the game and not ruin his day. Howard said if he started doing everything he was asked to then he'd never be able to see the game. Howard said he gets so aggravated by all of this. He said the guy wanted to be left alone.
Howard read more about this guy's complaints about Reggie. Howard just made up more nonsense to go along with this guy's story. Howard said everything he reads makes him fucking crazy. Howard went through the story again and talked about how the guy claims he quietly asked Reggie to take a picture with him. Howard said this is why he walks around agitated. Robin said he doesn't walk around anywhere.
Howard said Beth always asks him why he's always angry. Howard said he just expects the world to work a certain way. It doesn't. Howard said this guy was ruining Reggie's day. He said he didn't want to sign anything for him or take pictures. Howard said maybe Reggie is hard of hearing and didn't hear the requests.
Howard said poor JD watched it for him and pulled some clips. Howard said he's going to write a play based on the guy complaining about Reggie Jackson. Howard said just leave Reggie alone. He said he was so annoyed by that guy's letter. Howard said Reggie didn't go there to listen to all of their horse shit.
Howard said he has some clips from the Tony awards. He said it might be kind of boring. Howard had a clip of Kevin Spacey singing his opening song at the Tonys. He said he's been rumored to be gay but he hasn't come out. Howard said he's not going to try to figure that out. Robin asked why he's playing around with it. Howard said older gay men don't like to come out. He asked who the fuck knows what's going on. He said he made a joke about coming out in the opening. Howard played a clip of Kevin talking about playing Norma Desmond. Howard said he doesn't know what the deal is.
Howard said he doesn't care if he's gay or straight. Robin said Whoopi Goldberg also made a joke about coming out. Howard said he doesn't know what anyone is talking about. Howard said JD was offended by that for some reason. He said JD was explaining it to him. Howard did his impression of JD talking about it. Howard said JD just gave up before he could get it out. JD came in and said that he doesn't get why he'd play around with it if he's not gay. JD said he just thought it was weird that he was playing around with it with a predominantly gay audience. JD said it irked him the wrong way. Howard said JD won't even fit in a closet at this point.
Howard said they have a meeting before the show for about 45 minutes and JD said he was offended by that. He asked why and he wasn't able to articulate it. He heard he did back in the office very well but then he comes in there and he can't get it out. JD said he gave him a confused look. Howard asked him to explain it to him. JD said it's the Tonys and it's gay pride month and if he's gay he's playing around with it. He said it offended him. Howard said his confusion offended JD. JD said ''Whatever.'' He said he doesn't joke around about that stuff.
Howard said JD is offended that he made light of being in the closet allegedly. JD said it was in front of a gay audience. Robin asked if it's really a predominantly gay audience. Howard said he won't dispute that.
Howard said JD isn't gay so he's not sure he's qualified to speak for gay people. JD said he took a poll of some gay people and they were somewhat agreeing with him. He said it's ether that or he read it wrong.
Robin said it's rather enlightening that JD thinks he knows. Howard asked if anything else offended him this weekend. JD said he can't think of anything. Robin asked if the Kardashians offended him at all. JD said he doesn't spend time thinking about them.
Howard said it was 92 degrees out yesterday so JD must have been miserable. JD said he had to walk to work so it's hot. Howard said he must have been hot. JD said he walks for 30 seconds and he's sweaty.
Howard thanked JD for that. He said his cleavage gets all wet. Howard said he made some point about being offended. Robin said he's very funny talking about checking with his gay friends. She said he must have some life she doesn't know about. Howard said there are a couple of gay dudes who work there. He said that's who he asked. He said his friends are the people he hires there.
Howard said he has more tape there but it's all boring. He said Kevin did impressions there. He went through a list of some of the winners. He said Bette Midler won a Tony. He said he won't go see her in Hello Dolly. He said he gets going to see that. He said he won't do it but he gets it. Howard said Bette was selling records back in the 60s when rock and roll was huge. He said she's just so talented. He said now it's a big deal that she's on Broadway. Howard said Bette went into a long speech and they start playing her out. Howard said they should have just let her talk. He said it's so rude. Howard played a clip of her being played off. She told them to shut that crap off and kept talking. They eventually stopped playing the music.
Howard said Bette is someone you don't get to see a lot and they're playing her off. Howard said it's the fucking morons who produce that shit who do that. Howard said she's saving Broadway and they're playing her off.
Howard played a clop from a musical where they do a play about rerouting a plane on 9/11. Howard said he's not sure how they get a play out of that. Fred said he saw it and he was pissed about it. He said the audience stood and applauded it though. Fred said he was offended by it.
Howard said listen to all of these songs. He played another one from a play with Patty Lupone in it. Howard said this isn't a song. It's just people talking and saying bullshit.
Howard played another clip from a musical where they sing their conversations. Howard said they made a play out of Groundhog Day. He played a song from that one too. Howard said you have to be fucking kidding him.
Howard started making up a song from Groundhog Day. He was singing about how every day is the same. He said he's going to write one about growing up in an all black high school. Howard made up the song as he was going along. Fred had music playing for him to sing along with.
Howard said next year FOX News the musical is going to win. He said that's the one he's writing. Howard had a clip they created from that made up musical. That was a couple minutes long.
Howard said Hugh Jackman called and said he wants to play Roger Ailes. Howard said he's sure that he'd get horrible reviews if he put that out.
Robin said the point of the whole thing is that black people think that a majority of white people might act nice around black people but that's the way they speak when they're not around.
Howard said an article had just come out about Bill in Esquire and he brought his name up. He said he's obsessed with him. Howard said Bill brings up his controversy about being fired from ABC. He said Bill brought up how he'll never forgive Howard Stern because he didn't agree with him that the terrorists who flew into the buildings were heroes. Howard said when you kill a bunch of defenseless people like that it's not a heroic thing to do. Howard said when you're on the battlefield then there's a nobility in it. Howard said the guys on 9/11 were bat shit crazy. He said he's not sure what they are. He said they're cowards. He said it's like slaughtering sheep and there's no bravery in that. Howard said they were bat shit crazy and they're cowards. He said they are the definition of cowards.
Howard said according to Bill that disagreement is what ended their friendship. Howard said he still enjoys Bill's show and he still likes the guy. He said just because he disagrees with him Bill thinks he's not his friend. Howard said he'd be the first one to criticize that. Howard said he just doesn't get it.
Robin said the emotions around 9/11 were so high. Robin said this was right after the event. Howard said he can't believe that he brought that up again in the Esquire article. Howard said they might have agreed with Bill that they weren't cowards. Howard said they didn't do anything brave. He said people who commit suicide aren't brave. He said that's taking the easy way out. Robin said that is a coward. Robin said you're not risking your life to save anyone.
Howard said he doesn't get why he brought it up again. Howard said ABC fired him over that. He doesn't bring that up. He said he just doesn't agree with Bill and now he's not his friend. Howard said Bill thinks the guy who shot up Sandy Hook wasn't a coward. Howard said that guy is a coward. He said he isn't brave. Howard said the 9/11 thing was a sucker punch. He said it's a cowardly way.
Robin said people who go into a burning building to save lives are brave. He said he's not sure why Bill keeps bringing this up. He said Bill keeps saying he can't forgive him for that. Howard said it's just a different opinion. He said he has people on with different opinions. He said he will never agree with Bill on that. He said the terrorists were not brave.
Howard said he doesn't understand people. He said that he's forgiving him for saying the N-word and he should forgive him for having an opinion different than his. Howard said he should be upset with ABC and not with Howard Stern. He said he didn't fire him over that, ABC did. Howard said Bill brought it up. He said that he must want him to blanket apologize. He said he made his point about the N-word thing and he didn't think he should be fired. Howard said it's baffling to him. He said it's not even his place to comment. He said that's what they do.
Howard said Bill continues to say that he could never forgive him. He said if he went on his show they'd probably have disagreements about a lot of stuff. Howard said he would probably disagree with him on the second amendment too. He said that doesn't make him a bad person.
Howard said he's only heard his name mentioned about not agreeing with Bill. Howard said he guesses it would have been comforting to agree with him but it's not his place. Robin said they were incredibly offended by 9/11. Robin said they were ready to go to war but they thought better of it after a few days.
Howard played a fake Bill Maher making his apology about the N-word. It was done like a musical. Howard said it sounds like the Tonys.
Howard played a song that Scott sang about his vaping. Howard said people are so happy to have Scott back in the studio. He said they learned that he can get popcorn lung from vaping too. Fred played popcorn sounds and Howard did his impression of Scott. He played another song where Scott sang about losing a lung and not being excited.
Howard said he didn't know about popcorn lung. He said they learned you can get that from vaping. Robin said it's symptoms that Scott already has. Robin said it's the same as the COPD. Howard said Scott also has Cracker Jack Balls.
Howard said the email about Scott has been very positive. Howard said he has to do more of his impression of him. Howard did that and read about the popcorn lung thing. Howard said he's sluggish and boring. He played another song parody where Scott was singing about having popcorn lung.
Howard read some email about Scott. People were writing in about how happy they were to hear all of that stuff about Scott last week. Howard had a bunch of really positive stuff about Scott and how they love it when he's being goofed on.
Howard said people like this popcorn lung thing. He said it's sweeping the nation. Howard said it's a Scott revival of sorts. Robin said she hopes Scott feels the love. Howard did his impression of Scott with his weird clearing of the throat or whatever that ''Chh'' noise is. Howard said they recorded those songs with Scott and he was exhausted after recording a couple on Friday. Howard said that's the most he's done in a long time apparently. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Scott and goofed on him about that for a short time.
Howard asked who recorded with Scott. Richard came in and said Scott was tired after a couple of songs. He said Scott just said he was done after a couple. Howard said it doesn't sound exhausting when you hear him singing. Howard asked what else he has to do. Richard said maybe just standing up makes him tired. He said they may have to have him sit down instead. He said he was calling him Diva Scott.
Howard said all Scott wants to do is be in bits and then they finally do and he gets exhausted. Howard said he'd think his regular job would be exhausting. Howard said you'd think he'd ask what else they have for him. Richard said that's why he's so great though. He said he sulks out of the studio and breathes really hard.
Howard said the choice is that he can breathe or sing but not both. Richard said the guys said when he walked out he looked like he was walking out of a funeral. Howard said he
Howard had Scott come in to talk about this. Howard said he has him baffled. Scott said he wasn't exhausted. He said he just felt that it was a good collection for now and they'd do more down the road. Howard asked why he cares. Howard said he reviews all of that stuff and he might reject some. Howard asked what he had to rush to go back to do. Scott said ''nothing.'' He said he just thought they did some good stuff and why ruin a good thing. Howard said it's not live on the air. He said he could record it all and they could hang out. He asked why storm out. Scott said he didn't storm out. Richard said he sulked out. Scott said he gets depressed looking at his life sometimes. He said it did affect him. Howard said he got affected by the song.
Howard did his Scott impression talking about how less work is the best work. Scott said he's wiling to do anything for the show but it got a little depressing. Howard asked if Richard realized that. Richard said he didn't. Howard said here's Scott refusing to sing. Howard played a clip of Scott singing a song and then just stopping and saying that's enough. Howard said he puts his foot down. Richard said they don't want to upset their talent. <>Howard asked if Scott vaped over the weekend. Scott said that's all he does. He said he did it over the weekend. Howard said that's got to be depressing. Scott said it is. Howard asked if he's bowling. Scott said they're done until September.
Howard asked Scott about the vaping and how that works. He asked if it's loaded. Scott said it's loaded so he can charge it up overnight. Howard asked if there's something electric about it. Scott said it has a battery. He said he plugs it in down in the kitchen. Howard asked how many he has. Scott said he has 2 so he has a spare. Howard asked if there's ever been a time that he had to wait for the vape pen to charge. Scott said sometimes it will run out and he has to charge it. Howard asked how long it takes to charge. Scott said it's a couple of hours. He said some you can use while they're charging.
Richard said Sal would vape while it was plugged in and it looked like he was blowing his computer. Howard said sometimes they blow up and he can't wait for that to happen to Scott. Scott said that would be the best thing that could happen to him.
Howard asked Scott about the solution he pours in and how he gets ready to vape while drinking coffee. He went through the prep for the vape pen and the coffee. Howard asked if he has a ritual. Scott said he has the vape in his hand and then he has his coffee. Howard asked if he reflects on how shitty life is. Scott said he always does. He said Monday is the best day of the week for him.
Howard asked if he had any happy moments over the weekend. Scott said the Mets won so he was happy about that. Howard said he must vape if he's happy or not. Scott said he does.
Howard asked Scott if he thinks he won't get popcorn lung. Scott said he doesn't think about it. He said he did when he was smoking cigarettes. Howard and Fred were doing their Scott impressions and Fred kept playing popping corn sounds.
Howard asked Scott if he misses the cigarettes. Scott said not at all. He said he's over that. Howard did more of his Scott impression and goofed on him about the vaping.
Howard asked how many times he uses the vaping. Scott said it's throughout the day. Howard and Fred were making up what Scott might say about that.
Howard asked Scott what it costs him a week for vaping. Scott said it might be $15 a week. He said cigarettes could be hundreds of dollars a week.
Richard said the vaping thing is really big now. He said they have conventions for it. He said they have all of the morning cereals as flavors. Howard asked how they come packaged. Scott said they come in cartridges or a container of ''juice.'' Howard said that's the bottle with the skull and crossbones on it. Richard said Sal used to get those. Howard asked if he knows what he's sucking in. Scott said he has no idea. He laughed as he said that. He said there is nicotine in it. He said that's the one thing he knows. Richard asked if the ingredients are listed. Scott said they are. Howard and Fred did their impressions of Scott talking about not caring.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Scott can do any vaping tricks. He said there are a lot of tricks you can do. Scott said he doesn't do any of that stuff. Howard said they call him Darth Vaper. Howard said his trick is ''Voila, I have cancer.''
Scott said he knows he's trying to get him to stop. He said it's not a joy. He said he started doing it because he wanted to stop smoking cigarettes that he started smoking again because he had stress. Howard said everyone has stress. Howard said he can go live in someone else's shoes and see they have stress too.
Howard asked Scott if he ever vapes and beats off. Scott said he doesn't. Howard asked what he beats off to. Scott said smoking porn is awesome. Howard asked what he really beats off to. Scott said he doesn't have favorites. Then he said he likes lesbian porn. Howard said Scott used to beat off to Mary Tyler Moore. Scott said absolutely.
Howard played Scott's ''Popcorn Lung'' song again. Richard said they'll try not to work Scott too hard from now on. They went to break after that.
Howard said during the break Gary was telling him that Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest spend time on their show campaigning for Ryan to be nominated into the radio hall of fame. Howard said he can't believe he really gives a fuck about that. Robin asked if anyone knows what it is or where it is. Howard said he's yet to visit and he's in it.
Howard said he heard that the ratings are down on the Kelly show but he's not sure about that. He said that he doesn't follow that shit. He said that's according to Jon. Howard said Michael Strahan had the big ratings. Robin said he's now running Good Morning America. Robin said they were advertising his clothing line that you can get at JC Penny.
Howard read some email that they got about last week's show. Howard said people were disturbed by Richard brushing his teeth with a towel. Howard said someone wrote in about how they gagged just thinking about it.
Howard had a clip of Kelly Ripa talking about the radio hall of fame thing. Howard said it sounds important until you find out there's nothing special about it. Howard said they had to put him in it. He said he's the guy and he asked them to please stop nominating him. He said then they put him in and he refused to accept. He said they put him in it even though he didn't want to be in it. Howard said Robin is up for it now. Robin said she doesn't want anyone to vote for her. Howard said Sirius sent out a press release about it. Robin said that's not necessary.
Gary said the Mike and Mike show is nominated too. Gary read about who Ryan Seacrest is up against. Howard said he's heard of Hollywood Hamilton but the other guys he didn't know.
Howard said he'd think that Ryan would win just based on him being on American Idol. Howard said he's never heard Ryan's show other than the occasional clip after he's interviewed someone.
Howard played more of Kelly Ripa's speech about Ryan and the radio hall of fame. Howard said it's hopeless trying to get people to vote for you. Howard asked how people vote for people they can't even hear. He said the reason people vote in the People's Choice Awards is because everyone has seen them. Howard said you can't get these radio shows everywhere.
Howard said they should start a campaign to vote for Bobby Bones so they don't vote for Ryan. He said they can keep Ryan out of it. Howard said forget that idea. He played a clip of Kelly giving out the web site ''www.RadioVote.com.'' Howard said you don't have to give the WWW anymore. Howard said there is no prestige in being in the hall of fame.
Howard said that some people didn't like the Danny the Twitter Troll caller last week. He read some email about that. Howard said he had better do more of that. He said he'll get him on the phone.
Howard took a call from Danny the Twitter Troll. Howard said he got a lot of email about him. Howard and Danny went through that bit for a short time. Howard said a lot of trolls think he's secretly gay. Danny had a bunch of hashtag comments about Howard. He had hashtags about bringing back Gilbert, Grillo and #WheresMutt. Howard wrapped up with Danny and did a live commercial read. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who wasn't there. Howard wondered if it was him or the caller. Howard said it must be the caller.
Howard took a call from another guy who was there and said that the other caller is a dick. He asked if he has seen Pam Anderson lately. Howard said yes. The caller asked what he thinks. Howard said she has gotten older. He said he's not sure what she's done. The caller said he thinks she looks good. Howard said she was a sex symbol. He said the plastic surgeons he's not so sure about. Howard said Robin hasn't done anything to her face. He said he may be a sex symbol but not everyone is like him.
Howard said if he was famous for being hot he's not sure if he'd get that pulled back look. He said some women get it done tastefully. Howard said he's met women in their 20s who are doing Botox in their head. Howard said they say it's preventative. Howard said just wait for it to happen before you do it.
Howard said some women age gracefully and don't do anything. Howard said it has to be a major blow to not have every guy freaking out about you. Robin said they saw her in New Orleans after people rioted on the beach for her. Howard said he met some wealthy guys somewhere once and they saw Pam walk in with a friend and they chased her to the elevator. Howard said they could have any woman but they went berserk over Pam. Howard said now these guys aren't into her so much and she must be seeing that. Howard said that he knows Pam and he's hung out with her. He said when he was around her it was intoxicating. Howard said they went to a strip club with her and she asked them to cut her dress off. Howard said it was a designer dress. Howard said Pam is now 49 years old and it looks like some weird work went on. He said he's not sure what he'd do. Robin said it's hard to step off stage. Howard said he's seen some women who look good after being pulled back. Robin said it's like you have to go to an artist and not just some doctor. Howard said some women have subtle things done and they freak out not seeing anything. Howard said then they get pulled back tight as a drum. Howard said now you see Pam and think Benjy could get her.
Robin said with Elizabeth Taylor all of the men wanted her but she ended up married to a construction guy.
The caller asked what he would suggest to her if he was her agent. Howard said he's tell her to go to another agent. Howard said Pam is dating that Julian Asange guy. He said she should fine some guy 25 years older than her and she'll look hot. Howard said that's a bad move now.
The caller asked about what her career move should be. Howard said she has always had that problem. He said they don't take her seriously. The caller said she should do a reality show and show her beaver like Sharon Stone. Howard said not everyone is interesting enough for a reality show.
Robin said there are ways to handle this. She said don't try to hang on to something that's not there anymore. Robin said Cher looked pretty good according to Howard. Howard said she did. He said she rolled the dice and pulled back and she looks like Cher but she's 70. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard said you're comparing Pam to a 20 year old Pam Anderson. He said you can't compete with that. Howard said he hopes she doesn't go too far with the surgery. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Andy Cohen is there and he's the host of Love Connection now. Howard said that Chuck Wollery is doing commercials for old people now. Andy said he's also very active on Twitter and he's very conservative. Andy said he announced he was going to Love Connection and he was filling the shoes of the great Chuck Wollery. He said people told him to check out his Twitter. He said then he saw that he hates Obama and things like that. Howard said no one knew he was like that. Howard asked if Andy reached out to him. Andy said he said he was the greatest.
Howard said Chuck has been pointing out who is Jewish and all of that. He said that's too weird to even talk about. Howard said he likes to do that too but at the same time it's weird when Chuck is doing it. He said the guy never made a point before in his life. He said you know he's a big dunder head.
Howard asked if he would let Chuck appear on a Love Connection special. Andy said sure. He said he did reach out to him on Twitter. Andy said he didn't hear back but he joked about him responding with the word ''fag.'' Howard asked Andy about the N-word that Bill Maher got in trouble for. Andy said you just can't do that. He said you never go in black face either. Howard said he did that back in the day.
Andy said that he heard about Richard and the poo. He said he saw Richard that day and he can't imagine anyone will shake his hand now. Howard said he shit his pants when he farted. Howard said Richard wiped the shit out of his underwear and kept wearing them. Howard said Richard did it in the bathroom out where Andy and other people use it. Howard said Richard thought they were salvageable. Andy said that's a mind blower. Howard said Cousin Brucie saw him and passed out. Andy didn't know he even worked there. Howard said sure he does. He said that Brucie is a class guy.
Howard asked if Andy has made friends with anyone there. Andy said he likes Sway and some other guys around there. Andy said his show is on from 10 to noon and he records other shows. Howard said he does a show with his ex-lover. Andy said they dated for 3 years. Howard asked if he's also a writer on Love Connection. Andy said he is. He said he's very talented.
Howard asked Andy about Bette Midler in Hello Dolly. Howard said he won't go to it but it sounds interesting to him. He said he likes Bette. He said in the 60s he was listening to rock but Bette was selling records doing her own thing. Howard said she had this ability to do it all. He said she's very talented. Howard said they have this huge money maker with Hello Dolly. Howard said the stupid thing they did was with that awful Tony Awards that he can't get through. Howard said he loves Kevin Spacey but he was singing bullshit. Howard said then Bette gets up and they play her off. Howard said he had something interesting to say and they played her off.
Andy said he was very entertained when Chris Robinson was on the show trashing John Mayer. He said John is so great in the grateful dead. He said he has taken time off and killing it with the Grateful dead. Howard said he was very critical of John and so was his wife. Andy asked what Chris is doing with all due respect. Howard said he loves Chris too. Andy said he almost called in that day.
Howard said it's almost like Andy is John Mayer's wife. Andy said he has love for him but he is not in love with him. Howard said he's not his type really. Howard said the guy he's dating has been described as a swarthy Andy Samburg. Andy said that is what he's like. He said that he has never seen John Mayer's dick. Howard asked if he's ever made a move on him. Andy said he's never made a move on a straight guy. He doesn't like doing that. Andy said that Katy Perry came out and said that he was the best she ever had. Howard said he must have stuck his tongue up her ass. Robin said she thinks that she's doing that to make people think that Orlando Bloom isn't so great.
Howard said John Mayer is good with the girls. He said he's a very good musician. Howard said he's not sure why Chris Robinson got so upset with the guy.
Howard said Andy is very busy. He said he has rebooted Love Connection. Andy said the reboot is that it's Thursday's on FOX and it's more than one date. He said they set each single up on 3 dates and you hear all about them. Howard said on the old Love Connection they'd have a couple out on the couch and hear the details about the date. Andy said now it's 3 dates and they score each other's looks. He said it's very cringe worthy. Howard asked if there is fucking on the show. Andy said there were a couple of people. He said some might be scared to admit it.
Andy said at the end of the show they have a love or money thing they do. He said they have to choose the money or the love connection. Howard said there are some gay dates too. Andy said they have that and interracial couples too.
Howard asked if he thinks when the ratings come out it'll show that people like white couples or what. Andy said people seem okay with what they've had so far. He said one African American woman went out with her first white guy and she said it was surprisingly good. She was terrified of the guy.
Howard said he thinks this could tell us about our society. Howard said they have their first The Bachelorette and the ratings went down by 10 percent. Howard said that he was consumed with that. Andy said that usually the ratings will go up because African Americans are looking for themselves on TV. Howard said that's an interesting thing. Howard asked if he transgender decides to go on Love Connection would he tell the guy she's dating that he's transgender. Andy said yes, of course. Howard said some transgender don't make it an issue. He said he should think about this stuff as a host.
Howard asked Andy if they have ugly people on the show. Andy said they have all sorts of people on the show. Howard asked if they have fat people. Andy said it's all sorts of people. Howard asked about the oldest person on the show. Andy said there was a 70 year old who was stood up on Tinder. He said it was a viral story so they set him up with 3 women and it was very sweet.
Howard asked if they would ever have neo Nazis on the show. Andy said he'd be all for it. He said they should try that. He said terrorists need to get laid too.
Howard said Andy was having vocal issues last time. Andy said that last time he was on the show he gave his Top Gay title to George Takei. Andy said they have a lot of handsome, young interns working there. Howard said they have gays working there.
Andy said he was having vocal issues and during Love Connection he had a polyp in his throat. He said it went away. He said he stopped smoking vapes. He said he was a major vaper. He said that he thought they were good for your throat but he thinks it was irritating his throat. He said his voice is much stronger today. He said he does edibles now. Howard said it must be difficult to get them. Andy said not for him.
Howard asked if Andy gets high when he does a show. Andy said he doesn't. He said he might have a drink. He asked when Howard is coming on his show. Howard said he's not going to do it. He said if he had something to promote he might. He said he won't do late night shows because he puts so much into it. He said he just can't do it.
Howard said he just can't do the pot thing. He said he wants to be out of his mind but he can't do it. Andy said he'd think Howard would get lost in his canvas doing that. Howard asked if Andy ever gets too high. Andy said not really. He said he's not sure wheat that would be.
Andy said he did get paranoid at the Howard Stern Birthday show red carpet. He said he stopped doing that after that experience.
Howard asked Andy about touring with Anderson Cooper and what that's like. Andy said they have a set show but things change based on what's going on. Howard asked what happens when Kathy Griffin's big controversy happens and Anderson doesn't defend her. Andy said they did talk about it over the weekend. Howard asked if Anderson did the wrong thing by not defending her. Andy said Anderson still likes Kathy. He said what she did is somehow a reflection on CNN. He said she's very identified with him and that show. Andy said he got maybe 2 percent of the tweets Anderson was getting that night. He said people already think what they think about CNN with Trump and all of that. He said he worked with Kathy for many years at Bravo and he liked her. He said she may have an issue with him right now. He said he's not sure what that is though. He said she's going to be fine. Howard said he'd have her on the show if she wanted to come on.
Robin asked what Andy thought about her apology with no make up. Andy said that it can be a little jarring. Howard said that's a good way to do the apology. Howard said he thinks that makeup makes a bigger difference than he thought it was. Howard said Beth rarely wears it and she looks beautiful to him. Howard said she'll go get eyelashes once in a while and she'll come home asking what he thinks. Howard said it's ridiculous that she gets that and thinks it makes a difference.
Howard said if one of the real housewives did what Kathy did with the Trump head what would he do. Andy said that's a really good question. He said they have kind of said some things that they wouldn't like to be associated with. He said they're not getting booked on national tours and stuff so it's a different situation. Howard said he likes that the women think they're going to get rich from the Housewives shows. Andy said they do. He said they make more the longer they're on.
Howard asked Andy if he can believe that Gigi and Bella Hadid became super models. Andy said that was a shock. He said the shows are bigger than ever too. He said that they're so good. He said he wonders how it's possible. Howard said if that was the only show Andy ever did he'd be a hero. He said they must blow him over at Bravo every day. Andy said they show him the love. He said he has a great relationship with them over there.
Howard said Bravo doesn't have much going on. Andy said they have a lot going on there. Robin said she watches Southern Charm. She said she doesn't watch any of the Housewives shows. Howard said he loves Beverly Hills. He said it's very interesting.
Howard said the rumor was that Andy and Kelly Ripa were asshole buddies. He said his name was in the mix from what he heard. Andy said he may have been in the media but he doesn't think he really was in the mix. Howard asked if he can believe that she went with Ryan Seacrest. Andy said he thinks she's happy with that pick. He said she's very happy. Howard said he thinks in private she must tell him something. Howard said she must have given him some earful with the Michael Strahan thing. Andy said they did talk about it. He said he has to respect his friends so he won't say what they talked about. He said that's her story to tell.
Howard said Andy must know a lot of stuff that he could write a book about. Andy said Howard must get a lot too. Howard said no one talks to him off the air. Howard asked if Andy had to bang Seacrest or Strahan, which one would it be. Andy said he'd probably go with Strahan. Howard said he might be lying about that. Andy asked why he would lie. Howard said Ryan looks like a bottom to him. Andy said he'd bang him in a second too. Howard asked Andy if his gaydar goes off with him. Andy said no. Howard said he sees him with girls. Robin said he says he has a girlfriend. Howard said he wonders if he's banging her though.
Howard asked Andy if he had to choose out of Strahan or John Mayer who would it be. Andy picked John Mayer. He said he's an artist. Howard asked him to pick Mayer or Orlando Bloom. Andy picked Mayer again.
Andy said he loves the Stern fans who love filling his DMs with their dick pics. He said last time he was on it lasted for a while. Howard said he's known to go out with some of the listeners. Andy said he did that with one couple. He said that he's still in touch with them.
Howard asked Andy to pick Trump or Pence to bang. Andy piked Pence. He said that he would hate fuck Pence. Howard said this is his last one. Gary Dell'Abate or Jon Hein. Andy said that's interesting. He thought about it and said he might go for Gary. Howard said he's very popular with gay men. He said he's seen his cock in the gym. He said Gary likes to show it off. Gary said that was in 1985. Andy said he was talking about this over the weekend. He said he and Anderson were on a plane talking about how your dick doesn't really age. He said it's the one thing that doesn't age on your body. Howard said it may not but balls do. Andy said that's true and that's the Catch 22.
Howard asked Andy if he and Anderson ever get sick of each other. Andy said he knows how to navigate his moods and all of that.
Howard said Andy has a show called Then and Now and he did a piece on him and he showed some really bad pictures of him. He said he interviewed Susan Lucci about him and she talked about how much she doesn't like him. Andy said he just happened to mention it and she talked about Robin and her constant laughing. Howard said he heard it was a nice piece. Andy thanked Robin for being on that show.
Howard said he heard Andy went to see Hello Dolly with Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker. Andy said he did. He went to it high. Howard said it's funny with pot that you don't have to say you're high. Howard asked what's with that. Andy said that sometimes you may need to explain where your head is at. Howard asked Andy if he's comfortable with them. Howard asked how the show was. Andy said it was good. He said that he cried during the show out of joy.
Howard asked Andy if he'd fuck Matthew Broderick or John Mayer. Andy said that he'd pick Mayer. He said that Matthew Broderick has very soft skin. He said it's about the softest you've seen anywhere. Howard asked about Hugh Jackman or Mayer. Andy picked Mayer again. Howard asked about Brad Pitt or Mayer. Andy said that's tough. Howard said it's Brad in his prime. Andy said he'd have to pick Brad in his prime.
Howard said Andy is still a great guest. Howard asked him to bring them into his world. Howard said Aretha Franklin is one of the greatest singers ever. Howard said Andy got a phone call from Aretha. Andy asked how he knows this. Howard said they have people watching him. Andy said that they asked him to do a town hall for Radio Andy for Aretha Franklin. He said at some point she wanted to have tea with him. Andy said the tea got canceled and then she wanted to see him the next day. He said he went to see her in the city and he did have tea with her. He said it was 5 in the afternoon. He said she wanted to talk to him about the Atlanta Housewives. He said she put him in her phone as Mr. Cohen/Housewives. Andy said he loved that. Howard wondered why she would have tea. He asked if he drinks with his pinkie out. Andy said always. He asked what Howard drinks. Howard said he has one glass of wine 3 days a week. He said he loved drinking and then his doctor told him he had to stop because he had an alcohol intolerance.
Andy asked Howard about what kind of porn he watches. Howard said he went on pornhub last night. He said it's not as good as YouPorn. Howard said he goes to the same stuff. He said that this was babysitter porn. Howard said the mom starts rubbing the babysitter's tits and then they start making out. He said then the father comes in with his huge dick. Andy asked where Howard processes the dude in the porn. Howard said he's not sure. He said he thinks about maybe how it's his cock or something. He doesn't think much about the cock though. Howard said he doesn't like the wide spread vagina either. He said that's just too much or him. Howard said he likes stepfather and step mom porn and all of that too. Andy said he likes gay porn but they have similar scenarios. Howard said in his real life he's never wanted to be with a babysitter.
Howard asked Andy about interviewing Caitlyn Jenner. Andy said it was good. He said she never stops talking so you have to get her to stop and listen. Andy said it was tough on that level but it was good. He said she really goes into a monologue and you have to interrupt. Howard said she has the fake vagina thing now. Howard said she must want some guy to try it out. Robin said he has to get her on Love Connection. Andy said he'd love to have her.
Howard said the man made vagina never looks right to him. He said he's seen plenty. Howard said he has never tried to use one. Howard said Richard did finger Siobhan. Howard had Richard come in to talk about that.
Howard asked if Andy was attracted to Bruce Jenner. Andy said in the younger years he was. He said that he once had him on Watch What's Happening Live and that was kind of strange.
Richard came in and said he had forgotten about the Siobhan thing. He said Will played him audio of it and reminded him. He said it was like a finger in a pastrami sandwich. He said that he didn't get in very deep and he's kind of glad he didn't.
Howard asked if Andy thinks Richard is gay. Andy said that he's the kind of guy who thinks a hole is a hole. He said he thinks Richard will take it wherever he can get it. He said he grew up fucking cows, right? Richard said he never did that. He had a friend who jerked off dogs. Andy asked him where he grew up. Richard said he grew up in Kansas. Andy said he should do a young Richard Christy animated series.
Richard told Andy about taking baths with a friend when they were in their teens. Richard said they used to bite each other's fart bubbles and things like that.
Howard asked Andy if he would fuck Richard or Sal. Andy piked Richard. He asked if his red hair matches down below. Richard showed him. He said he's not chubbed up. He showed him that he's a ''full ginge'' according to Andy. Andy said he really made it worth his while to come on the show. Howard asked Richard if he would jerk off Andy. Richard said he'd do it for the show.
Richard asked if Andy saw Benjy's cock pictures. Andy said he felt that the angles made it unclear what you were looking at. He said he doesn't know. He said it was very hard. Andy said we should all be proud of our cocks. Howard said he's not.
Howard asked who is hotter, Sal or Benjy. Andy asked if it's fat or thin Benjy. Howard said it's Benjy now. Andy picked Sal over Benjy.
Howard gave Andy some plugs for his show that's on in about 3 minutes. Howard said he never sees him in the studio. Andy said he's at the end of the hall. Howard said that's where the Shade 45 channel is. Andy asked if he's going to watch Love Connection. Howard said he will. He said he has to walk down and see where he works. He said he never looks at Shade 45 because he doesn't want to get himself in trouble.
Howard said Andy must be getting a cut of the action from Love Connection. Andy said he isn't doing it for free. Howard gave him some more plugs and tried to guess what his net worth is. Howard said he heard JD is a big fan of the new Love Connection. Andy said that means a lot to him. He said that makes him so happy. Howard said he thinks Andy is worth $50 million after asking JD what he thought. JD said 50.
JD told Andy he likes people yelling at each other on Love Connection. Howard asked what Andy is worth. Andy said that 50 is high. Howard said he got shaved at Bravo. Andy said things are great. Howard said JD is worth $50. Howard told JD to tell Andy what it likes about Love Connection. JD said they love seeing people talking shit about each other. He said there's a lot of conflict. He said they have some hot chicks on the show. JD said they did have a commercial where they had someone getting proposed to. He said that ruined the surprise. Andy said it was just so shocking that someone would do that after one date.
Howard asked JD to explain why he was upset with Kevin Spacey joking about coming out on the Tony Awards. JD said he shouldn't have referenced it at all on the show. Andy said he's glad JD is offended. He asked if he's wearing sweats. JD said he has terrible clothing. Andy went off on him about the pants. He asked if they're vintage. JD said they're not from this era. He thanked Andy for pointing that out. Andy kept talking about how terrible they are. He told him to go to J. Crew and get something nice. JD said he hates spending money on clothes. Howard said his wife took him out once and he hated shopping. Howard told Andy to take a look at the label. JD said no. Howard said he thinks they're Lane Bryant pants.
Howard wrapped up with Andy after giving him some more plugs for the Love Connection, Radio Andy and more. Howard took a call from JD's pants designer before letting Andy go. It was the guys in the back goofing on JD's pants. Howard also took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Richard Simmons impression. Howard said he loves Andy as a guest. He said he has an opinion on everything. He said Trump did too. Howard said some day he'll be President Andy.
Howard was about to let Andy go but Andy asked if Fred and his wife came to see him and Anderson. Fred said there was a mix up with the tickets so they didn't make it. Andy told him to come see him next time they're in town. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard played a clip of Batman and Cat woman in a scene together. Howard said he's played those before. He said he used to make tapes as a kid making Batman bits of his own. Howard played a bit where he was playing all of the parts himself. Howard said at one point he was being Batman or Robin. He didn't know who he was. Howard played the tape and it's a tape where he said ''Holy gazookas!'' at one point. Howard said there are hours of that.
Howard said they had Adam West on the show a bunch of times. Howard had some clips he played from those interviews. Howard said Adam was also on Family Guy as the mayor. Howard played a Family Guy clip.
Howard said Adam once came in and let him try on the Batman cowl. Howard played that clip where he tried on the cowl. Adam said he isn't allowed to wear it himself. He said DC comics keeps him from wearing it.
Howard played some other clips from different interviews he did with Adam. Howard said he was a nice guy. Robin said he did the best with whatever life had dealt him. Howard said he came on their channel 9 TV show. Howard said he played Fartman and Adam was a teacher at Super Hero school. He said Jackie was Belly Button man. He said Elephant Boy was Captain Korea and Fred was King of Mars Man. Howard had a clip from that show. Howard said he can't believe they got that on TV. Howard said that actually aired.
Howard said this is a weird clip. He said in 2003 Adam was on the show for the last time. Howard said he was obsessed with Bella Lugosi who was apparently buried as Dracula. Howard said he had a talk with Adam about that and suggested that he be buried as Batman. Howard played a clip from that interview. Howard said he should be buried in the costume but Adam said he'd want Howard to have it. Howard said if he gave it to him he'd put it in his house.
Howard said Adam had 6 kids and some grand kids. He said his wife is still around too. Robin asked Howard what he's going to do when he dies. Howard said he never gives it an ounce of thought. Howard said he doesn't care. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin started her news with a story about a teacher who is accused of having sex with 3 of her students. Howard saw a picture of her and said she's really hot. Robin said she's accused of having sex with two 17 year olds and a 16 year old. Howard asked how old she is. Robin said she's 25. Fred played Van Halen's ''Hot for Teacher'' as they were talking about the story. Howard said he needs tutoring. Robin said there are some wacky people out there. Howard said he had a hot teacher that wouldn't even let him finger her. Howard said she's like a chick right out of the video for ''Hot for Teacher.'' Howard said they have picture of her in a bathing suit and she's great looking. He said she's got a flat stomach and all of that. He said he couldn't pay attention in class if that was him. He said he needed a teacher like that to give him lessons. Robin read more details about that story. Howard said nothing like that would ever happen to him. He said if it did happen it would have happened to Dr. Lou. Howard said he would have reported her. He said she could be in Playboy because she's so hot. Howard asked if Robin thinks she'll go to prison. Howard said it seems like a double standard. He said it is wrong. Robin said the 16 year old is statutory rape. Robin said he's a minor. Robin said she thinks she has to get jail time. Howard said imagine her in jail. He said he's thinking about hot lesbians. Robin said sometimes that stuff can turn bad on you. She said you get a 25 year old and then you want to be with a girl your own age but then the 25 year old is stalking you. Howard said there was no problem there with him. Howard said when he was 17 if a teacher like that came after him he'd be traumatized. Howard said she's so hot that she can get any guy and she must be sick if she's going after kids like that.
Robin read a story about Kathy Griffin and the backlash after her picture with the bloody head of President Trump. Robin said Delta Airlines and another company are pulling out of sponsoring a Caesar production. Robin said they're likening it to the Kathy Griffin scandal. Robin said they don't want to be associated in any way with that kind of portrayal of the President.
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who said he wanted to ''axe'' him a question about something. Howard said he keeps saying ''axe.'' Ed knew how to spell it. He said he's just getting the letters wrong. Howard asked if he grew up in America. Ed said he did. Ed said he has a 12 question quiz to find out if he's conservative or liberal. He said he's very liberal lately. Howard said Ed is liberal because he's on the public assistance. Ed said he never said he was conservative.
Ed asked Howard the questions. Ed was asking questions like his age and gender. Howard asked why he would ask him that. Howard called him Axe Napkin. Shuli came in and asked him to ask his questions with his fake teeth in. Ed said he's just getting used to them. Howard told him to do it. Ed asked with the teeth in and he could barely speak. Ed asked Howard how he feels about abortion and Howard said he's all for it. Ed was asking more questions but his teeth were interfering so Howard didn't know what he was asking. Howard asked how the dentist leaves hearing Ed talk like that. Ed said he has to get used to them. Shuli asked if he took the wrong teeth. Shuli said he doesn't have insurance so that's what he gets. He said he has these teeth and the ones you can heat up in the microwave.
Howard had Ed take out his teeth and ask the rest of the questions. Howard said he's for affirmative action. Ed asked about the death penalty. Howard said he used to be for it but not now. Howard also answered questions about global warming, gun control, health care and more. When Ed was done with the questions Howard asked what his disability is. Ed said he has paranoia, schizophrenia and something else. Howard said he really has to get out of this. Ed came up with a number and said Howard got 32 percent so he's a liberal. Howard said that hardly sounds liberal. Howard said he doesn't' think he's liberal. He said he doesn't see things in black or white. He said it's grey. Ed asked about the Muslims coming in. Howard said he's not against it if they're vetted. Ed didn't know what that meant. Howard hung up on him a short time later. Howard said he's against terrorists coming into the country of course.
Howard asked Shuli how long Ed has had the teeth. Shuli said he's had them for over a year. He said last time he saw Ed he just had bottom teeth. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Bill Maher's show last week with his black guests. Robin said he had them on to tell him off about what he did. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Howard said he was very uncomfortable with that whole thing. They spent a few minutes talking about that.
Robin read a story about how Melania Trump is no longer living in New York and she has moved into the White House. Robin said she tweeted about it on Sunday. Howard said she should live there. Howard said she is the hottest woman to ever live there. Howard asked if he's correct. Robin said she's not sure about that. Robin read about how they delayed the move until Baron's school year was over.
Robin read about how Trump crashed a wedding over the weekend. Robin had some details about that. Robin said he was seen at his private golf club in New Jersey. Howard wondered if Melania will ever sun bathe out on the White House lawn.
Robin read a story about Ivanka Trump talking about how her father's critics have responded to her father's time in office so far.
Robin read a story about the election investigations that are going on and how James Comey testified last week. Robin read about a senator saying that Trump isn't obstructing justice, he just isn't familiar with the job. Robin had some audio clips to play from both sides. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how Lindsay Graham is saying that trump may be the first president to go down because of his constant tweeting. Robin had some audio of him talking about that.
Robin read a story about how they're looking for Jeff Sessions to testify in public this week but that may not happen. Howard said it just came through that he will be doing it publicly.
Robin read about what's going on with the Bill Cosby trial. She had a few details about that.
Robin read a story about the show Bachelor in Paradise being suspended. Robin said there are allegations of misconduct. Robin said producers saw a drunken sexual interaction and they are investigating that. Howard said they're allowed to do that if they're adults. Robin said she's not sure they're supposed to record the fucking and producers may have been observing. Howard said he sees a lot of infrared video so he's confused.
Robin read about how Wonder Woman is still number 1 at the box office. Robin said The Mummy came in second. Robin asked if it's over for Tom Cruise. Howard said that's the problem with people. He said the movie looks good but the reviews were really bad. He isn't sure if it's Tom's fault it didn't do well.
Robin had Howard play a clip of Soundgarden's ''Black Hole Sun'' and Howard started singing along. Robin said that the mother in law of the late Chris Cornell is saying there may be more new music from him in the future. Robin said she said that in some tweets on Friday. Howard played the song parody Scott the Engineer did called ''Pocorn Lung'' to the tune of Black Hole Sun.
Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about what a big show he had for us today. He said he's so charged up this morning. He said he's experimenting. He said the doctor told him to take baby aspirin every day. He said it thins your blood out and reduces the risk of strokes. He said he's trying to not take it. He said the last few days he's been depressed because his stomach is irritated. Robin said he didn't tell them that. He said he thinks the baby aspirin is making him sick. He said that he feels much better today. He said he's a very sensitive young man. He said he's back to his old self this morning. Howard said it was making him into a baby. Howard said he was kind of down.
Howard said everything gets him down. Robin said all of these human failings bother him. Howard said he doesn't like being human. He said he wants to be Superman. He said he thinks he's overly sensitive. He said everyone his age takes baby aspirin. Robin said she doesn't. She said she took it once or twice. she said she doesn't like taking pills. Howard said he knows what she means. Howard said Dr. Agus swears that it reduces your risk of cancer and stroke. Robin said it's all about inflammation and there are other ways to do that. Howard asked if Fred takes it. Fred said he doesn't but he should.
Howard said Robin won't take aspirin but she'll put coffee up her ass. Howard said he tried to get Beth on it but she had stomach problems too. Robin said it can cause an ulcer. Howard said he feels better today. Robin said she had to find other options too. Howard said he may have to eat tree bark instead. Robin said they did find aspirin in willow bark.
Robin said she takes Turmeric and lemon in her water. She said that all helps with inflammation. Howard said it's exhausting.
Howard asked how Robin was a nurse. He said he was talking to someone about that. He said maybe it was in the email. Howard said they pointed out that she's not compassionate. Fred said it was in the email. Howard looked for it and said they were pointing out her failings.
Howard read the email he had about her not being compassionate but Robin argued that she is. Howard said Robin was a nurse and she straddled a male patient to make him feel better. He said she was showing him that he was still a viable male. Robin said he was losing his leg and that made him think he was going to be less of a man. Howard said Robin jumped up and straddled him to show him he was still a man. Howard said that's a compassionate person. He said she practically raped a patient to prove a point. Howard said Robin is fabulous.
Howard said he's heard from Paul Hogan who wants to play Roger Ailes. He said he'll have to put on some weight or wear a belly costume. Howard said Patty Lupone wants to play Megyn Kelly.
Howard said they took this out on the street and played some of the music for people. He had a clip of the guys out on the street playing a clip of Howard and Amy Schumer singing the FOX News musical. People on the street weren't impressed.
Robin said that Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane would be a big box office draw. Howard said Matthew is going to play Bill O'Reilly. He said he has to get this off the ground and get it on Broadway. Howard said he bets it would be a big hit. He said even if it's just with their fans.
Howard said they could fill a 1500 seat theater. He said they could do different musicals like Scott Salem the musical. Howard played a song where Scott was singing ''Tomorrow'' and how he's not sure how he can hang on until tomorrow. Howard said he'd have Beetlejuice on Ice in another place. Howard said they'll own Broadway. Howard said after watching the Tonys it doesn't seem too hard to own Broadway.
Howard said he thought Nick was a really good host. He said he wanted to see how it was without him.
Howard said something is going on with Nick now. He said he must be going through something. He said he put out a song where he's rapping about ''the man'' and stuff. Howard said he sounds very angry. Howard played some of the song he was talking about. Nick sounded pretty angry and he was throwing the N-word around. Robin said maybe he can do this now that he's not on America's Got Talent and doesn't have to worry about being on a family TV show.
Howard said Bill Maher was talking to Ice Cube about using the N-word and Ice Cube told him he just can't do it. Howard said the band N.W.A. used the N-word and sold it to white kids. Howard said they use it hearing it in the song and that kind of keeps it going. Robin said the white kids who think they can use it got it from that album. Howard said Bill was so defeated that he wasn't able to talk to Ice Cube. Howard said Ice Cube was saying that Bill has used a lot of black jokes. Bill didn't even realize it. Robin said Bill has toppled himself from his high throne. Robin said using the word like that is ordinary.
Howard said Nick is all radical now. He said he's getting more and more into this. Howard said he's not sure what's going on. He said the guy is fucking pissed. Howard said he didn't know this was Nick really. He played more of his rap song. Howard said he's so angry.
Robin asked if he can really have a career in rap at his age. Howard said he's not sure. He said Nick went full gangster. Robin said he's going in the wrong way. She said it won't work with the kids. Howard said he should do Nick Cannon the musical. He said maybe Simon Cowell the musical where he's on a boat and fucks his good friend's wife. Howard said that's very Shakespearean.
Howard said Nick seems angry and he's not sure what he's angry about. Howard said he feels like he has to intervene. Howard said maybe it's because he got his start on Nickelodeon. Howard said he might have to get all of this out. Robin said it might be a little bit too late.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had clips of Spoken Word Robin talking about Nick Cannon. They had edited her to say some wacky stuff about Nick.
Howard said he has to say something about Robin. He said she's so on top of the rap scene that it sounds real and truthful. The guys were playing one word responses to Howard's questions.
Howard said Spoken Word Robin will be touring with Public Enemy this summer. He asked her to do some of her material. Spoken Word Robin was doing some material about Memet. Howard said he heard that the bongos are actually Robin's breasts being pounded on. Howard said he could talk to her all day. Howard thanked her for the call and let Spoken Word Robin go.
Howard asked who the other guys in the song with Nick are. Gary told him a few names of the guys in the song. Gary said they're called The Black Squad. Howard said that doesn't sound very friendly. Robin said it's not even a cool rap name.
Howard played more of the song and tried to figure out what Nick was singing about. He was lost so he gave up. Howard said he doesn't know what he's talking about. He asked Fred if he knows. Fred said it's new to him. Howard said he's lost. Robin was trying to explain some of it to Howard. Howard said he doesn't know what that means. Robin said it means the girls are young. Howard said he likes young girls who like to play in the snow. Gary said 3 people just said it's a cocaine reference and when a black guy says they like to play in the snow it means they like to fuck white women.
Howard played more of Nick's song and talked about how he says something about condoms in his rap. Howard said he even raps about fucking slow bitches. Howard said he's not sure he'd do that.
Howard said he's out of this song. He said he has no idea what he's singing about. He played more of the song though.
Howard asked what that instrument is in the background. Robin said it might be a guitar. Howard said that's what nick is up to. He said they have to get him in there to find out what's going on.
Howard said that he's worried about Nick. He said this is making him nervous. Robin said he says Howard doesn't have to worry about him.
Howard said how about some slow bitches. He made up his own rap and came up with more raps about bitches with gunts and things like that. Howard said he could have low IQ bitches and wonky eye bitches. Robin said how about lazy eye bitches.
Howard told Fred to get that shit off. He said he has a phony phone call Sal made to his own father so he has to get to that. He said he has more to get to after the break. They went to break after that.
Howard said Scott's office is upstairs now and there is no urgency in his step when he calls for him. Howard said they should time him getting down there. Howard said right now it's 7:44 and 47 seconds. Jason said they called for him a few minutes ago. Scott showed up a few seconds later.
Howard asked Scott if he was in his office yelling. Scott said not at all. He said he wasn't yelling. Howard asked if he was talking to himself. Scott said not at all. He said he wants that person to come in and tell him that himself. Gary said that person can't be shown. He said they are saying that it's absolutely true. Howard said maybe Scott doesn't hear himself yelling at himself. Scott said that could be. He said that was the old Scott.
Howard said the guy who told him has no axe to grind with Scott. He said he's one of the more normal guys around there. He said he was worried about Scott. Scott said it wasn't him. Howard asked how many people are mistaken for him. Howard asked Gary if that person is willing to talk on his microphone or not. Gary said he's checking now.
Steve Brandano came in and said that he has an office next to Scott's and he heard yelling going on for a few minutes. He said he told Gary about it and then found out what it was about. He said no one was in the office so he's not sure what he was doing in there yelling. Howard said maybe he was sleep walking. Howard asked if it was Scott for sure. Scott said he's not sure what time he's talking about. Steve said it was quarter of. Scott said there were a couple of people in the office. Steve said maybe he was doing a bit but it was for several minutes. Scott said he wasn't alone for several minutes.
Gary said there are times that Scott yells at the replay from time to time. He said he heard that from someone. Howard asked if he yells at the replay. Scott said no he doesn't. Howard asked what he yells at. Scott said he'll just go ''Oh fuck!'' if he has to do something in a hurry or something. Steve said it was much weirder than that. He said it was so weird he had to ask what was up.
Howard said there are people who yell and don't even realize that. Howard said he wishes that Steve had taped it. Steve said he doesn't think like that. He said there are two shut doors between them. He said it was unmistakably Scott yelling though. Howard did an impression of what that might sound like.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she thinks she believes Steve. Scott said she's known him for 30 years and Steve for like 10 minutes. Howard said they believe Scott was yelling and he wasn't aware of it. Howard said he doesn't think Steve lies. Scott said he said nothing. He said he said good morning to a few people and that was it.
Howard said Scott recorded some new songs yesterday. Howard said now Scott is going to yell at Steve for bringing this up. Howard and Fred did impressions of Scott going off on Steve.
Howard said he has a tape of Scott breathing after every sentence from yesterday. Scott said he did gain weight. He said he gained 25 pounds. Howard said Scott has COPD and he has gained weight and he's vaping. Howard asked Scott if he even cares. Scott said of course he does. He said he's not even eating that much. He said he has Cheerios for breakfast. He said it's only 2 cups. Robin asked if it's the kind with sugar. Scott said it's the honey nut Cheerios. Howard said that's all sugar. He asked if he vapes after that. Scott said he hasn't even had breakfast yet. Howard asked if he has skim milk or whole. Scott said it's skim. Scott said he doesn't eat until dinner after that.
Howard said it's so annoying talking to Scott. Scott said he eats bad dinners. He said he has burgers and fries. Scott said then he has to cut this next part out. He eats dessert before bed. He said he has cake or cookies. Howard said he's snacking and that's what does it. Scott said that's it. Scott said he's back to eating meat again too. He said that's not helping.
Howard said Scot was in the studio recording more songs. Howard played another one that he did to the tune of ''Good Vibrations'' but it was ''Bad Vibrations.'' Howard said he likes that one. Howard asked how many he cut. Scott said he did 3. Howard said that's about all he can do. Howard played ''Put on an Unhappy Face'' next. Scott was joking about that and Howard said he's so unfunny when he jokes.
Howard said Andy Cohen was talking about vaping and how it screwed his throat up. Howard said that stuff just fucks you up.
Howard asked Scott if he smokes pot at all. Scott said of course he does. He said with his life who wouldn't. Robin said with his life he should be doing heroin.
Howard read more email about Scott. He had more positive feedback about the impressions he and Fred do.
Howard asked Scott if he had any fun yesterday. Scott said he didn't. He said he had to do some errands. He did watch the Mets game last night. He said there are some things he has to do in the afternoon. He said he did those. Howard asked what the most enjoyable part of his day was. Scott said recording the songs was. Howard said he just said he gets depressed doing those songs. Howard asked if he beat off at all. Scott said he didn't do that. He said it was just a normal day. He said the air conditioning wasn't working in his house. Howard asked what his most fun moment was in the past 10 years. Scott said when he hangs out with his son it's great. He said he was there in April. He said he likes to bond with his son. He said he moved away so he doesn't get to see him much.
Howard said he knows it's hard to have your kid move away. Scot also said he had a good time at the Met game with the guys. Howard did his impression of Scott talking to his son about his life. He was talking about his son and how great it would be if he was a bowler. Scott said he was hoping his son would be a musician. Howard said they've spent enough time with Scott. He said he can get back to whatever it is he does.
Howard said he hopes Scott starts yelling again and Steve can record it. Scott said he didn't say anything.
Howard said he's going to ban Tommy and he'll forget about it and pick up on him. Howard said there isn't a fan who writes him that thinks Tommy is a good caller. He said he didn't think he was that bad. Howard said he seems to engage in good conversation but then he heard he goes on chat boards and bad mouths him all day. Howard said he didn't know that was going on. He said he sticks up for the guy and he's bad mouthing him. Howard said people claim they turn off the radio when Tommy is on.
Jeff said he never bad mouths Howard. Howard said he does all the time. Jeff said he doesn't do it behind his back. Jeff said speaking of Tommy, he just got some Tommy John underwear. Howard said that's good. Howard said Jeff has figured out a way to get stuff from people. He said he has that big sore on his ass. Jeff said it feels great. Howard thanked Jeff for the call. Jeff said okay.
Howard took a call from a guy who said thank God Tommy is gone. He said Tommy is just a troll. Howard said a lot of people are going to be happy about that.
Howard asked if he should break. Fred said yes. Howard said he has a bunch of stuff to get to. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said Sal is always saying that his dad is pissed off about how he thinks he invented pizza toppings. He said that Sal called his dad and said they were going to sue. Howard said his dad was taking credit for inventing pizza toppings and even making them round. Howard said his dad was really high on this lawsuit. Howard said his dad hung up on him so he must have been pissed. Howard said he got really angry. Howard asked if he was pissed. Sal said he had to call his mom to calm him down. He said they're not married but they live in the same place. He said his dad has been sleeping on the couch for the past 35 years or so.
Sal said his dad even claims he came up with the Calzone and even came up with the name. Sal said he was going to back out of this bit because he was really worried about it. He said his dad has gotten really mad at him over less than this. He said he had to buy him lottery tickets to calm him down.
Sal said his dad drives his mom crazy. He said he thinks it's an old school Italian thing that she thinks it's the right thing to do. Sal said his dad has been doing weird stuff like freezing stuff lately. He said he'll freeze sandwiches and he'll blend food and freeze it. He said it's weird. Howard said he'll take a whole sandwich, blend it and then freeze it and then he'll defrost it and eat it. Sal said he never gets around to eating it. He said his mom finds all kinds of weird stuff in the freezer that's uneaten. Sal said he has been blending all of her fruit too. Howard asked what he says. Sal said his dad thinks it stays fresher. He said he's not sure why he's blending it though.
Howard asked Sal about his secret families. Sal said he has a half sister who lives in Germany. Howard said his old man was whacked out. Howard said he should have asked his dad if he named pizza. Sal said he told him no when he asked him that once. He said his dad claims he invented Zeppolis too.
Howard asked Sal about his dad cheating on his mom. Sal said he was knocking up a few women. He said that he remembers his mom running into the beauty salon next door to the pizzeria with a pizza paddle. He said that his dad had knocked up that woman. He said his uncle once showed him a picture of his half sister. He said it really fucked him up. Howard said it would fuck anyone up.
Sal said he told his sister recently about that. Howard said his uncle threw his dad under the bus and fucked Sal up. Howard said he likes that his uncle has a picture of his half sister in there. Howard said there are so many fucked up stories in his family.
Sal said that his dad made him change his name to Tony in high school. He said his dad got pissed at some family members and he changed his kid's names because of that. He said his dad didn't let his mom call him Sal. He said she had to call him Tony at home.
Sal said that they had to move out of Bayshore because black people moved in. He said they moved into a white neighborhood and then some black people moved in. He said that his dad took off in his car and he comes back from the hardware store with a for sale sign. He said he's looking at the black people and slamming the hammer in. He said he comes into the house and tells him mom to call the real estate people. He said that they made people come and look at night. Sal said they sold the house and his dad pulled him out of school. He said he even took him out of class. Sal said he went to the principal's office and his dad was telling him that he had no problem with these people but when he has a barbecue it's like being at the zoo. Sal said the principal looked at him like he was fucked.
Sal said he had black friends. He said they just didn't tell his dad that. He said his sister once slammed the door and she pushed this girl out the window because their dad was coming home. Sal said they had to push her out the window and slam it shut. Howard said that girl is probably traumatized over that. Howard said Sal has been through a lot.
Howard asked why Sal would want a reminder of the Tony thing by naming his son Anthony. Sal said he doesn't know.
Howard had the phony phone call Sal made to his dad. Howard played the call and Sal told his dad that he saw a lawsuit where the guy who put cheese on a cheeseburger just won millions in a lawsuit. He said they're gong to sue over the pizza thing now. Sal put a guy on the phone with his dad and his dad claims they came up with putting toppings on a pizza. He also claimed he came up with the idea of round pizza. Sal's dad said he came up with slicing pizza into a triangle. He said he was the first. The fake lawyer asked if he recalls when it was stolen from him. Mr. Governale said sure he does. Sal got back on the line and asked how about that. Mr. Governale was thrilled about it. Sal told him it's a joke he did for the radio. Mr. Governale got upset and hung up. He was speaking in Italian telling Sal he'll tell him the joke when he sees him.
Howard said he likes the idea that his dad came up with the round pizza thing. Howard said in Italy they just had a ball of sauce and his dad figured it all out. Howard said he likes that no one knew how to cut pizza into a triangle.
Howard said Sal should try to find out what else he invented. Sal said he has a few things. He claims he invented Calzones and Zeppolis.
Howard said Sal's dad got mad at Sal because he hurt his pinkie beating Sal for doing something wrong.
Howard said someone in their audience named their horse ''Sal the Turtle'' and Sal has sort of adopted it. Howard said Sal bets money on the horse. He said Sal was on the OTB channel on FOX Sports 2. Howard said Sal has nothing to do with the horse but he was doing an interview about it. Howard said Sal was acting retarded. He said he was being interviewed and now he knows why he's so fucked up. Howard said he doesn't understand why he works there. Howard said Sal has nothing to do with the horse at all.
Howard played a clip of Sal being interviewed and talking about the horse. Howard said he's watching this and Sal is standing there like people know who the fuck he is. Howard said he's the guy who jerked off while his aunt was taking a shit. He said he's famous for kissing his friend's taint. Sal said he's proud of the horse. Howard said Sal was hypnotized when he thought he was a turtle in a previous life. Sal said he actually owns a small piece of the horse. He said it was a kind gesture. He said he's officially on the paperwork. He said it's just a small piece though. Sal said he just became an owner. Howard said Sal is such a weasel.
Howard played more of the audio of Sal being interviewed and sounding kind of dopey. Sal said it's amazing having a horse named after him. He said he used to go to the OTB with his father and he would make up his own coloring books.
Howard asked Jason about going to the track with Sal. Jason said it was really nice of Sal. He said they showed up there and they went to the owner's suite. Howard said he likes that Sal was talking to this woman about his life.
Jason said Sal invited them there and they all went to the suite and you have no idea that Sal isn't paying for anything. He said they were in a nice dining room and he was welcoming them like it was his wedding. Sal said he was more proud than anything. Howard said a listener named his horse after him and he's taking advantage. Sal said he cooked for this man the other night. Howard said he's a rich guy who did something for him so he's taking advantage of him. Sal said that's not what it is. He said it was nice to have people from work come to support him.
Howard said Sal was being interviewed and he was saying that this girl would make him blush off the air. Sal said he didn't know that he said that. Howard said he has to listen to what he says. Howard played the clip over again and Sal was talking about what the woman he was talking to had said off the air. He said she was saying edgy jokes off the air. Sal said she comes off sweet but she was cracking jokes.
Howard played more of Sal in the interview and talked about how retarded he sounds in it. Howard said he's not a good story teller at all. Howard played more of the clip and Sal was talking about how they give the horse lots of love when it passes you. He said it's love and passion that makes the horse run and win. Howard said Sal is such a douche. Sal said it works. He said you have to show the horse love. Howard said it's not even his horse. Howard said he's had a lot of horses named after him. He said he's been in touch with none of the owners.
Jason said they were by the horse and it was just standing there shitting while they were petting it.
Howard played more audio of Sal talking to the interviewer. Howard said Sal is the worst representative of the show. He said he has to stop doing TV. Howard said everyone thinks he's a Muslim or an Arab.
Howard played the rest of the clip and goofed on Sal for being such a douche in that clip. He said he had 20 references to being Italian in that clip. Sal said it was like once. Howard said the real story is that he's such a douche that he was on the radio being hypnotized and he thinks that he was a pregnant turtle in a past life. Howard said then some owner named his horse after him. Howard said then Sal is talking about being Italian in this interview. Howard said he's saying that because no one thinks he's Italian.
Jason said that they were at the track and JD and his fiancee were there and they were great. He said JD is so relaxed that the fiancee was getting into betting and having fun. He said he was doing it too. Jason said she'd go through her stats and then she'd turn to JD who had the money and he'd give her money out of the wad of cash he had. Howard asked how much they'd put out. Jason said it was like 5 bucks. Howard said it's a very traditional relationship. JD said she didn't have money at the time so he had some. Howard said he's the sugar daddy. Howard did his impression of JD for a few seconds. Howard said he has to take a break. He said it's interesting to hear about Sal. Robin said his whole life is fascinating. Robin said he had a horse named after him and the he calls the guy and befriends him. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard came back and said Daryl Hall is so good on the show. He said he still watches his show Live from Daryl's House. He said it's shot really well.
Howard said in a couple of minutes Jim Carrey is going to call in. He said he's promoting ''I'm dying up here.'' He said it's about stand up comics and Gary says it's really good. Howard said he hasn't seen it yet.
Howard said Mitzy Shore was the one they wanted to base it on but they couldn't get the rights to it so they had to make up a fictional character. Howard said Jim is going to call in to talk about that in a few minutes.
Howard said he's not sure if there's a difference between comedy clubs in the U.S. and Canada. Howard said it seems like a fucked up culture. Howard said Eddie Murphy's manager was a guy who owned a comedy club.
Howard said that Hall and Oates are touring with Tears for Fears this summer. Howard said he didn't know they were still around. Howard said you think they broke up but then they show up. Howard asked if they were two guys with mullets. Fred said they didn't look alike but they had mullets. Gary said there was a period where they really weren't talking to each other. He said it got ugly. He said he had a friend who told him about how they had to be kept apart when they were in the same building. Howard said they went through some kind of scream therapy. Gary said that's what the song ''Shout'' was about.
Howard asked how they got back together. Fred said it probably had to do with money. Howard said everyone needs that. Fred played a couple of Tears for Fears songs for Howard. He played ''Everybody Wants to Rule the World'' and ''Head Over Heels.'' Howard said they were on the show in 1988 apparently. Gary said one of them was. Howard said they're getting along now apparently.
Howard had Jim Carrey on the phone so he asked where he is. Jim said he's in L.A. in an arm chair. He just woke up. Robin asked how his beard is doing. Jim said it left him. He said he shaved it off.
Jim said he was just marveling that Howard is still doing this after all this time. Jim said he wakes up at 3 in the morning to go to a darkened studio. He said he's like a vampire. Jim said he's got a new name for him. He's Schnozeferatu. Howard said he called himself Nostrildamis.
Howard said Jim likes to paint and he's a real artist. Howard said he likes to paint too. Jim said he likes Howard's stuff. Howard said he could incorporate his beard hair into his painting. Jim said he's heard about that kind of stuff. He said he's not into that yet. Jim said his brush is gone. He said he's down to this freaky no chin dude. He said it's been several days and he cowers away from the mirror.
Howard said his neck is getting old and a beard would cover it up. Jim said it does cover up the turkey neck. He said he should put some clamps on it or tape it up. He said he's seen guys tape up their necks to the back of their heads. Howard said they did that to him in his movie Private Parts. Howard said they would tape his skin to pull it back. Howard said it looked pretty fucking good actually. Howard said he needs a team to help him with that.
Jim said that his paintings of his own penis are great. Howard said he and Jim will email once in a while and Jim sends him video. He said he looks so happy doing it. Jim said he is happy because he's completely involved. He said that's the key to happiness. Howard said when he's painting does that get rid of all of the symptoms of depression. Jim said he doesn't have depression. He just has blows to his ego. Jim said he was on antidepressants for a while but then he found a holistic cure fore it. He said it's natural components that create serotonin. He said that's what works for him. He said he does Transcendental Meditation too. Howard said he's done it since he was 18.
Howard said Jim was teaching gang members Transcendental Meditation too. Jim said he is. He said he does that with Father Greg. He said that he walked into gang land in the 80s and he's talking about Jesus and he won them over. Howard said Jim said he would pay for them to learn Transcendental Meditation. Jim said they are teaching that and paying for it for them. He said that sounds like an easy thing but it's difficult for some people to sit and be silent for a few minutes. He said they found that these guys can sit in the same room with other gang members and realize they're not going to be offed.
Howard asked how many people they've done. Jim said they have over 100 down there now. He said he has meditated with them too. He said he does it with one eye open. He said they love that he's there. He said he doesn't know what he did but the people present their best selves to him. He said it's just a field of love coming at him.
Howard said it's pretty nice of him to do that. Jim said you see the effects of it immediately. He said they tell you that they are able to stop this circus in their head. He said that David Lynch has been doing it too. Howard asked if they quit the gangs. Jim said his first thought was that they would be able to find something an better themselves. He said they're removing tattoos and getting job placement. He said it's a really great thing. He said it's an incredible vibe down there.
Howard asked if they have bloods and crips in the same room meditating. Jim said they do. Howard asked if he has to be careful what colors he wars. Jim said he sticks to all greys.
Howard said Jim is producing this show and showing the lives of upcoming comedians. Howard said it's based on Mitzy Shore and the years when she ran The Comedy Store with an iron fist. Howard said all of the guys had to suck up to her because she ruled that place. Jim said she really did love the comics though. He said if she loved you she was super supportive. He said Mitzy loved him. Jim said that some people didn't like you to play other clubs and she never asked him not to.
Jim said he did YukYuks in Toronto. He said that the owner there gave him a big break. Jim told Howard how he started out and how he got his break. He said he started doing his act and then he heard the owner saying it was totally boring. He said he was just 15 years old. Jim said he didn't come back for 2 years after that. Jim said he went in and did it and failed and then he goes into hiding for 2 years. He said then he gets strong like a Rocky thing and he comes back and slays it.
Howard asked Jim why he didn't give up. He said most people would just give up. Jim said he didn't have a trade. He said it was never an option for him. He said he had it in his mind that he was going to make it happen but maybe in a different way.
Jim said that he was doing impressions of people on the Carol Burnett show. He said that he sent in a tape and they turned him down. Howard said it would have been great if they had hired him on the show. Jim said that can lead to a deformed ego.
Jim said in 1979 he was 19 years old. He said he went to Los Angeles then and went to perform at The Comedy Store. He said that there were a lot of hookers on the street down there. He said people were in their windows staring out their windows at him.
Howard said when Jim comes to L.A. he's on his own. Jim said you're lucky to be alive after a few years. Jim said he got into a lot of stuff out there. He said that he's really lucky to be alive. Jim said that he had some great moments watching big comics working their stuff out. Jim said there were times in other clubs where he was looking out at the street and seeing a comic get his face kicked in. He said he saw a comic getting his ass kicked once and it was very violent. Jim said he thought they should go help that guy but another comic told him that you just don't do that in Hell's Kitchen.
Howard asked about Robin Williams being accused of stealing jokes. Jim said he was free associating and he'd throw out a hundred things and if someone had said something to him he might just throw it out there. He said he doesn't think he was stealing jokes.
Howard asked if Pryor was the guy back then. Jim said he knew he was the pinnacle of that kind of act. He said when he saw him he was going through the coming off drugs and doubting himself. He said he'd see him in the parking lot and he'd say he doesn't remember 40 years of his life. He said that kind of stuff shocked the hell out of him. He said he wasn't sure that was even him on stage. Jim said he went on to come up with great stuff.
Howard said Jim had some great impressions and he just threw that away. Jim said he didn't want to end up there in Vegas doing that kind of thing. He said he quit for 2 years. He said that's what he does. He said Bill Maher had his shit together back then. He said that he got up and his microphone fell apart in his hand. He said he knew he was screwed. Jim said he got off stage and jogged past Mitzy and went back to Canada for 2 years. Howard asked if he was still doing impressions back then. Jim said he was.
Howard said those impression skills got him on TV. Jim said that Damon and Keenan saw him struggling with his act. He said they saw him experimenting and the comics knew what it was. He said they knew what he was risking. He said he was a big hero with them. Jim said he went up for 6 months and didn't repeat a word from the night before.
Jim said he remembers Mitzy saying to him at one point ''What are you doing? You're the king of impressions.'' He said he told her that they hated it when Bob Dylan went electric but he had to stretch. Jim said that he played around for 6 months and then he woke up one night and thought that the people need to be clear of concern. He said that he went up on stage and did his act pretending he didn't care what they thought and he was free from concern himself.
Howard asked Jim about something he said about living in a closet. Jim said he met a guy who claimed he had a room but it turned out to be a closet. He said that he showed him the ''room'' and it was a closet. Jim said the clothing was on one side and his bed was on the other. Jim said this was Phil Roy who helped him out. He said that it was a blast living in that house. He said he went down to the kitchen and there was a girl with no pants on making bacon. He said he figured he could deal with that.
Howard asked Jim if he misses the old days when he reflects on his life. He asked if the happiest times were coming up in the clubs and not having a lot of pressure on him. Jim said they weren't the happiest times. Jim said he's happy now. He said he's ridiculously happy and he's been through some shit. Jim said he's super cool now. He said he's really found a place that's outside the mental noise. Jim said this TV show is great for him because it's a cool feeling to sit back and jump in creatively. He said it's great working with the guys who are working on the show. He said it's really well written and it's great to see these young actors jumping off.
Howard asked if Jim writes the show. Jim said he doesn't write it. He said he downloads ideas and puts them into the time and place. He said the other guys have put it together. He said he was pitching this show for 10 years. He said that when he finally got together with Michael Aguilar they made it happen. He said Showtime has been very helpful with the whole thing too. Howard said they have some good ideas. Jim said they do.
Howard asked if Jim ever walks through his house and sleeps in the closet. Jim said the closet is now as big as his bedroom now. He said that's one of the keys to happiness. He said just get enough stuff and make sure you're financially squared away.
Howard said the life that Jim has now is free of pressure. Jim said it's not free of pressure but he has ways of processing it. He said it's easier than it used to be. He said that he takes the ''My'' out of the equation.
Howard said he thinks what he's saying is that he can do a movie or not do one. Jim said he wants to do stuff that's fun. He said he hasn't done a lot of movies lately. He said he's the two year guy. He said he goes away for 2 years and works on things. He said he's wanting to get back into it and do some films. He said he's looking at some stuff and lining it up. Howard asked if he'd ever do a TV show. Jim said he won't say never. He said he likes the idea of mini series type things. He said that they're doing amazing stuff on TV right now. He said they have great directors and actors. Howard said you can really play with the character too. Jim said you can get away with so much more on TV when it's on cable.
Howard said he may tap Jim for FOX News the Musical. He said he may have to play Roger Ailes. Jim said he'll have to eat the gluten and dairy. Howard said he'll have to shave his head.
Jim said it's so funny he got in trouble for calling FOX News a colostomy bag of news. He said it's a crazy network of scumbags out there.
Jim said that it's crazy that Jeff Sessions is going to be testifying today. He said there's so much about that guy that's so creepy. Howard said he's not sure how they forget they met with the Russians. Jim said they're not forgetting it, they're denying it.
Jim said this is like they elected a steaming pile of horse shit and he hired flies that love dog shit to work with him. He said it's not going to turn into a chocolate bar magically.
Howard asked if Jim is surprised that Kathy Griffin got so much blow back about her Trump head thing. Jim said that was kind of in bad taste. He said that it started from within Trump's campaign though. He said now he's getting some of it back. Jim said that the Trump Care thing is an oxymoron. He said that people are actually going to die from that. He said Kathy held up a prop and that was nothing compared to the Trump Care thing.
Howard asked if Jim is an American citizen. Jim said he is. He said he went through the whole thing. Robin asked if he's sorry he did it now. Jim said he can sing the national anthem.
Howard asked Jim if he auditioned for Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Jim said no. Howard asked if he was going to play the part that Sam Kinison played in Back to school. Jim said that's not true either. Howard asked where he gets all of this shit. Jim said there's so much of that out there. He said it's all bullshit.
Howard asked Jim if he was going to play Howard Hughes in The Aviator. Jim said he wasn't but he was working on a Howard Hughes movie before that one came out. He said that didn't work out. Howard said he can see him playing Howard Hughes.
Howard asked Jim if he ever worked high on stage. Jim said he did and he was slaying. He said that he had Kinison heckling him and he was slaying him. He said he got off stage and they asked what that was. Jim said he just admitted he was high.
Howard asked if Jim would do stand up again. Jim said he wouldn't do it right now. He said he's just painting for now. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld still loves doing it. Jim said he's phenomenal too. Howard said Kinison was the best. Jim said he was the best. He said Sam was like Charlie Parker. He said they were good friends. He said they drove to Tulsa together. He said they were going to go on the road and do shows together. He said Sam came up to him one night and told him he was a big fan. He said Sam asked him to stick around until 2 in the morning to watch his set. He said he stuck around and he watched him do his thing. He said he was literally dumbfounded. He said tears were pouring down his face. He said Sam came off stage and he just told him ''You're it man.''
Howard said he got to hang with Sam and things were so intense. He said that it was hard to do that. He said he was into drugs and there weren't many real moments. Jim said he had to maintain that because that's the character he created. Howard said he anted Sam to come over to his house and just have a regular dinner. He said the guy was on fire. Howard said he was not used to having a normal night just having a normal dinner. Robin said he showed up with two girlfriends. Jim said he was so only inside that he wasn't able to sleep unless he was high and surrounded by 20 people.
Jim said he had to back away from Sam for a while. He said he was going to teach him how to preach and they were going to go out in the tent circuit to heal. He said they went to his house in Tulsa and they were in the garage doing a radio show. He said that Sam was Brother Kinison on the show doing his evangelical thing. He said it was incredible to watch. He said everyone in the family was a minister. <>Howard said it's so crazy that Sam was hit by a drunk driver and he wasn't even high. Jim said they almost crashed on the way to Tulsa when he fell asleep while driving. Jim said he used to work in a factory and he had to drive 50 miles and he fell asleep every night driving home. He said it's good they have gravel on the side of the road. He said that wakes you up.
Jim said it was beautiful coming up with guys like Sam. Howard asked if he was a Cosby fan. Jim said he had all the albums. He said he's not sure what to think about all of that. He said he's been the subject of opportunistic lawyers. He said anything is possible but he doesn't know. He said he's never been turned on by humping an inert body himself. Howard said you need some kind of concert.
Howard asked if Jim watches Gotham. He said he thinks that the guy who plays the Riddler, Corey Michael Smith, is really good. Jim said he has seen it occasionally and he is good. He said there was some talk of him being on the show but he was like ''In your dreams.''
Howard said Jim's show ''I'm Dying up Here'' is on Showtime. Jim said it's a great show and it was an Odyssey for him so he wants people to see it. Jim talked about how great it's been working on the show and finding all of these people to do the show. He said it's been a blast to be part of the show.
Howard asked if he ever hung out with Belushi or any of those guys. Jim said he didn't. He said he ran into Judy Belushi one time and she said John loved him. Jim said that he was so happy about that but then he did the math and said that he doesn't think he could have loved him because he was gone by the time he would have known of him.
Jim said he had a weird experience when he went to audition for Saturday Night Live. He said that a guy was going to jump off the building and that's all he could think about during the audition.
Howard asked Jim what he's going to be doing today. Jim said he's just going to be creative. Jim asked his assistant Linda what he's doing. Jim said he gets to have lunch with Carl Reiner today. Howard said that's huge. Jim said that he doesn't know what he's doing from day to day. Howard asked if Carl asked him to lunch. Jim said he went to a show the other night and it was a sweet movie about guys who are still hoofing it after 90. He said he sat next to Dick Van Dyke at the movie. He said there are so many things about this live that are great. Jim said he called up George Shapiro and asked him to call him when the guys get together so that's how this happened. He said he's going to Carl's house for lunch. He said he's like 92. Robin said he writes to this day too. Jim said he's drooling but he's still doing it. Howard said it sounds like a fun day. Howard said he should do stuff like that too. Jim said he should reach outside of himself.
Robin said Howard did get to know Don Rickles. Jim said once he gets to know someone then they die. He said Howard is the angel of death.
Jim said his grandson just hit a 3 run homer in a little league game and they won the championship. Howard said they would expect nothing less. Jim said they learned that you're never too young for metabolic steroids. Howard asked what his grandson calls him. Jim said he's grandpa but not in public. Jim said he likes to watch The Grinch. He hasn't shown him all of his movies yet though.
Howard gave him some more plugs for ''I'm Dying up Here'' and wrapped up the interview. Howard let Jim go after that. Jim thanked him for having him on. He said Robin has never looked more beautiful. Howard told him to mention his name to Carl Reiner today. Jim said he will.
Howard let Jim go and said he's all hopped up from that new project. Robin said he's a different guy. She said he's kind of happy and mellow and giving. Howard said he's got the time to do all of that. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he wants to do an obituary for a guy he thinks he should do one for. Howard said they play a lot of crazy stuff they find on the web and some of it comes from WorldStarHipHop.com. Howard said the guy who started it died earlier this year. Howard said his name was Lee 'Q' O'Denat. He said that he guy lived the American dream and he was raised by a single mother in Queens and he learned about computers working at a Circuit City store. Howard said Q founded WorldStarHipHop in 2005. Howard said he became a millionaire from it. Robin said she would hope so. Howard said when the internet started Jackie thought he was going to be rich. He said he should have put up a web site of black people yelling at each other.
Howard had a clip of a guy yelling at a pole down in the subway. Howard said he's watched it a bunch of times. Howard said this one is where a lady gets mad at someone falling asleep on her on the subway. Howard played the clip and the woman was screaming at someone for leaning on her. The other woman was telling her to move then. Howard said he loves this.
Howard said another one of his favorites was this woman screaming that she's god in a gas station store. Howard played that and the woman was screaming about being god. Howard said she'd be great with Benjy.
Howard said that other things he liked on WorldStarHipHop was sex advice. Howard said those are some of his favorite things. Howard played a clip where this woman is showing how to do oral sex on a banana. She was talking about how spitting is what guys want.
Howard said there's video of this really good looking chick who says you should swallow your boyfriend's penis while he sleeps. Howard said she's really good looking. Howard played the clip where she's talking about how to do it.
Howard said he learned a lot of shit on this thing. He said he didn't know any of that. Howard said he doesn't know chicks that hot who are doing that for their man. Howard said that sounds like a girl who should be dating Ronnie with his sex tips.
Howard played another clip of a woman explaining how men don't know how to lick pussy. She said the hole is so irrelevant. She said that you have to stop with the hole and move on with your life. she said if you're going to lick a hole then do it to the asshole.
Howard said you learn a lot on that site. Howard said this woman is really upset about guys not knowing how to eat pussy. He played another clip of this woman talking about the pussy eating thing.
Howard said the web site got so popular that they were going to base a movie on it. Howard said he made a trailer for the movie. Howard played the bit that the guys created for the movie.
Howard said they say adieu to Lee O'Denat. Howard said he's not sure how they made money but they do apparently. Howard said he's not sure who is advertising on there. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about what's going on in the Bill Cosby trial. Robin had some details of what the lawyers on both sides are saying. Robin said that Camille Cosby showed up at the trial too. Robin said she stood by Cosby even though all of this was going on.
Robin read a story about Bachelor in Paradise and how it involved Corrine and one of the Bachelors from this season of The Bachelorette. Robin said they say she was drinking a lot and she claims that she was black out drunk and she wouldn't engage in what happened because she's got a boyfriend. Robin said they say that she was fooling around in the pool and the production office was letting all of this play out even though she seemed very drunk. Howard said what a shock. Robin said one of the production people felt uncomfortable and filed a complaint. Robin said they sent everyone home and Corrine has already engaged a lawyer. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked if they're going to cancel Bachelor in Paradise. Robin said it appears so. Robin said everyone was sent home. Howard said that's a shame. He said that's one of his favorites.
Robin said that PornHub has been compiling statistics since they started years ago. Robin said they want to see what people are interested in. Robin said they found out some interesting things. Robin asked if Howard would be interested in playing a porn game. Howard said no. Robin said they're making parodies of games like they do with movies. Robin said you can play along. Howard didn't understand. Robin said they're making porn video games. Robin said she hasn't seen them but she's guessing you make the characters do whatever they're doing. Howard said that's all bullshit. He said he would jerk off to cartoons as a kid but you don't need that these days.
Robin read more of the PornHub study and read about how women spend a minute and 14 seconds longer when visiting PornHub. Robin said they must take longer than men. Howard said he goes through a lot of stuff trying to find the right thing to watch. Robin read more about the time that people are on the PornHub site. The most popular time is midnight. Robin said 11pm follows midnight. Then it's 1am, 3pm, 4pm and 5pm. Howard said that's when kids get home from school. Robin asked if Howard watches different types of porn at different times of the year. Howard said not him. He said women must do that. Robin read that traffic declines on Christmas Eve but then it spikes on Christmas morning. Robin read more details about that and said that Kim Kardashian's sex tape has been viewed over 144 million times. Howard asked if people masturbate on 9/11. He said he would think people would be reflecting about the horror of that day and not masturbate. Robin said she doesn't have any statistics about that.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Mad Dog Russo impression. Howard said go check out his channel there. Sour did his impression of Mad Dog for a short time and had Robin cracking up about him watching baseball porn. Sour was screaming about Tom Brady and his phone connection wasn't all that clear so it was hard to hear. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin read about Tiger Woods and how he might be going back to rehab. Robin said he was stopped by the cops recently and he may have been high on Vikodin. Robin said his ex-wife is looking to take away the final 20 percent of time that he gets to spend with his kids. Gary said he still has millions of dollars in endorsements even after all of this. Howard wondered if sponsors will drop him. Gary said Rolex stuck with him through this DUI or the car thing. Howard said meanwhile Squatty Potty remains unattached to Kathy Griffin.
Robin read a story about Megyn Kelly doing an interview with Alex Jones and that led to some sponsors pulling out of her show. Howard said he doesn't give a fuck who endorses anyone. He said that Subway seems to be doing fine after the whole Jared Fogle thing. Howard said they didn't do anything wrong. Howard said they don't know what that guy is up to. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the President's cabinet meeting yesterday. Howard said that was a little weird. Robin said the cabinet was praising the President and the President ended up praising himself too. Howard said he'd be embarrassed if anyone was complimenting him. He said Donald seemed to think it was great. Howard said no one there does that for him. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about how great he is.
Howard said Benjy wants to come in and tell him how great he is. Howard said he can do that but he's just going to be embarrassed. Howard said he thinks most people would be. Robin said the president seemed to drink it in. Howard asked Benjy how he's doing with his weight over there. Benjy said he's doing okay. He said his foot was stuck in a bag and he tripped coming in there. He said his foot was in the strap of a book bag. Benjy started telling Howard how great he is and Howard laughed. Howard said he can't keep a straight face. Benjy said he gets angry at Howard but then he thinks about what a renaissance man he is. Howard cut him off and said he loves him and appreciates him but this feels weird. He said his meatball eyes are creeping him out. Howard told Benjy he hired him because he's funny as hell. Then he kicked him out.
Robin read a story about Chuck Schumer putting out a video mocking the President's cabinet meeting. Howard said he saw it and it was funny. Robin had some audio of that bit Schumer did.
Howard said that JD wants to come in. JD came in and said that he thinks Howard is a great man. He said he's hilarious and a great boss and a great person. He said he's one of the greatest men to ever live. Howard thanked him and said he appreciates what JD does. JD said he appreciates him hiring him to help make the show better. Howard said now Brent wants to come in. Brent told Howard that he would like to say that when he got into radio in 1992 he'd listen to Howard ever day. He said he never imagined he'd be there working with everyone. Brent said this is the greatest radio show ever in the history of the medium. Howard said he enjoys working with Brent too. Howard said he hired Brent because he's very turned on by his work. Brent said it's the greatest thing working there.
Howard said Shuli is there too. Shuli came in and thanked Howard for everything he's done for him. He said that he has a beautiful family thanks to Howard. He said he was working at an airport pushing fat people around before that. Howard said no more people after this. Howard asked how long Shuli has worked there. Shuli said it's been almost 11 years. Robin said this does sound sincere.
Howard told Richard to get the fuck out. Richard said he's going to blow him right now. Howard said none of Trump's guys did that. Richard said he'll do it right now. Howard said Richard is gay. He told him to come out of the closet now. Howard said he's tempted just to see if he'd do it. Benjy came back in and said that when he complimented him he was saying that Howard is the greatest. He said he wasn't talking about how great the job is.
Ronnie came in and said this is going to take a long time. Howard told him to do it quickly. Ronnie said he respects Howard for what he does. He said he appreciates his friendship on the outside. He said he appreciates the help he's given him over the years. He said he's done so much and he appreciates everything Howard has done for him. Howard said he sounds like he has a tear in his eye. Ronnie said he does. Howard let him go after that.
Robin read a story about apprenticeships and how there should be more out there. Howard said they had to stop having internships there. He said that they were getting sued over that stuff and they had to stop. Howard said apprenticeship is good but lawyers got a hold of the situation and they don't allow it. Robin said they may have to come with a paycheck. Howard said then they're just going to want to hire people who have experience. Howard said so many of the guys who work there now were interns. He said JD, Benjy, Steve Brandano, Jason, Will, Steve Nowicki and others were all interns at one point.
Robin read about the testimony that Jeff Sessions will be giving today. Robin had some details about that.
Robin said that Sean Spicer is also saying that Trump's travel ban is legal and they will eventually make it happen. Robin said that Spicer was also talking about a law suit that was filed against Trump by a couple of attorney's general. Robin had a few clips for Howard to play where Spicer is talking about that stuff.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression trying to compliment Howard. Sour Gary talked about how long ago it was that he started on the show and rambled on and on while clearing his throat. Howard and Fred were laughing as he was going on and on like Gary does. He was getting sidetracked and going on and on about the Beatles and rambling about things that Gary will ramble about occasionally. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin said in Indianapolis they made a video to show just how hot it can get inside a car in this hot weather. Robin said it's the kind of weather where you never want to leave your kid or pet inside an unattended car.
Robin read a story about Katy Perry doing some streaming video where she goes to therapy and talks about suicidal thoughts she has. Howard had some audio to play and the guy she was talking to says ''yes'' a lot. That led to Fred playing Wendy the Slow Adult saying ''yes'' over and over. Howard ended up asking Wendy questions and Fred would play her saying ''yes.'' Howard was talking to her as if she was the therapist. Howard played audio of Katy Perry talking about her suicidal thoughts.
Robin read a story about how people are ending up going home to live with their parents. Robin said they're suggesting finding out what kids are into and how that could possibly lead to a career. Robin had some audio clips of someone talking about the costs of going to college and how hard it is to pay off those loans.
Robin read a story about how Taco Bell is offering a free taco today. Robin said that's a promotion going on because of some tie in with a basketball team.
Robin read a story about a musical about Cher's life that's coming to Broadway in 2018. Robin had some details about that. Howard said she's going to be the competition for his FOX News musical. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how great it is that they're all together again. Howard asked Underdog Lady who is on the show today. He played a clip of Rachel Butera doing the voice and saying that Jimmy Fallon is on today.
Howard said he was reading that they call Oprah Winfrey the queen of all media. Howard said he wonders if she doesn't like being tied into him in that way. Howard said she must not like that. Robin said it's the very thing she fights against.
Howard said he smells like garlic today. He said he eats his eggplant parm every night before work and Beth told him this morning he had garlic breath. Howard said he told her he's keeping vampires away. He said he's in big business and here are a lot of vampires.
Howard said he was so exhausted yesterday. He said he has all of these meetings on Tuesdays. He said he had so many that he had to turn down 2 meetings. He said he didn't have time to talk to his agent or his business guy. Howard said he was so busy in so many other meetings and he doesn't know how that happened. Howard said he had one meeting where he had to make another meeting over that meeting. He had to make things clear after that meeting.
Howard said one meeting is about redesigning the studio. He said they have a special project coming up so that's why they're doing a refresh. He said he's in on those and then he has thoughts and other thoughts after those. Howard said he likes to have the studio dark because he doesn't like the way he looks. Howard said he wanted it dark. He said lighting is not his friend. Robin said he wants to be a shadow. Howard said that's right. He doesn't want lights on his face. He doesn't want to be seen.
Howard said they want to get rid of the bar area. He said the reason they put it there is so there's some shit to look at. He said one person suggested putting a CGI George Clooney face over his. He said then everyone would think he was handsome. Howard said now that George has kids he thinks he's going to age rapidly. Robin said she's sure it's happening.
Howard said George had it figured out. He had a new girlfriend every 2 years. He said he's hung out with him off the air. He said he's been to his home. Robin said he just makes movies, he's not a scientist. Howard said he has a gorgeous house. He said he'd change girls every 2 years. Robin said that's what a decorator would tell you to do. Howard said he'd wonder what was different and he'd have a new girlfriend. Howard said George let all of the girls know that there was no marriage in the future. He said he was good looking and he was making shitloads of money. Howard said some guys have it all figured out. He said now he's got a wife and kids. He said he doesn't think that was in his game plan.
Howard said Steven Spielberg has it figured out. He said Universal Studios bought the rights to his movies and made a theme park out of them. Howard said they offered him like 2 percent of the profits from the parks. He said Steven said he'd take it and give it to them. Howard said the theme park takes off and he's making millions off of that. He said the story gets better. He said in the contract it says that after 10 years they have to buy him out and make a deal. He said they weren't making enough money to pay that so they gave him like 5 percent of ticket sales. He said he's sure he has that part wrong but he's making more money from the parks. He said then NBC buys Universal. He said they can't fuck with Steven Spielberg's rights so they have to offer to buy him out. Howard said this deal he made was great. He said it's billions of dollars. He said it's awesome.
Howard said he and Robin thought they had a great deal going with satellite radio. He said their stock ended up going down to 5 cents a share. He said they were even investigated by the SEC. Howard said he did nothing and he lost money on that. He said he had to pay a lawyer to handle all of that.
Howard mentioned Jeff Sessions and how creepy that whole thing was. Howard said he was watching and this New Mexico attorney general is questioning Jeff Sessions. He said that he was asking about the election being fucked with and Sessions said he hadn't had any meetings over it. Howard said no one ever came to him and said something was really wrong with the election. Howard said then they asked Sessions about President Trump and he said he can't answer that. Howard said Sessions was invoking executive privilege even though he was saying that he can't do that, only the president can. He said it was crazy. Robin said what he said was that there is a long standing tradition of people who don't have to disclose their personal conversations. Howard said the whole thing was crazy.
Howard asked what happened to people just saying what happened. Howard said it was a complete waste of time.
Robin said the jury in the Cosby case wanted to ask a question yesterday. They wanted something read back about the pills Cosby was calling his ''friends.'' Robin said it doesn't look good for Bill Cosby. Robin said she was trying to gauge what they were doing. Robin said that deposition was damning. Howard said the lawyers only spent a few minutes on defense. Howard said he would have just shown old Cosby Shows. Robin said his lawyer said that if he did something to offend them then that was on him, not on Cosby.
Howard said he was reading the other day that SiriusXM and the guys who own it were going to buy Pandora. He said he got excited about that. He wasn't even sure why. Howard said he figured it was because they have 30 million subscribers now. Howard said they're buying up other companies and that's kind of cool. Robin said that's a big fuckin' deal. Howard said he read something else happened where they didn't buy Pandora but they loaned them money so that means maybe some day they'll end up loaning them. Howard said they seem to know what they're doing.
Howard said he got all excited about Pandora but nothing has changed. Howard said he still got excited about it. Howard said Scott the Engineer was hinting around that he should have a free Pandora subscription. He said he'll just say he was kidding. Howard said SiriusXM has 3 seats on the board of directors at Pandora with that deal. Howard said he gets all charged up about this stuff. He said he feels that they're responsible in some way. He said they did bring over a lot of their fans and they've thrived there. Howard said people were saying he was an asshole and you never hear about him. He said he's always the douche bag. Howard said meanwhile who turned out to be right. Howard said ol' Howard was right.
Howard said they were talking about big shits in the toilet bowl yesterday and mentioned Oprah. Robin said he said that she must take big dumps so she should be a Squatty Potty spokesperson.
Howard said that's a great call. He took a call from fake Angry Political Guy who was going off on Howard calling him names. Angry Political Guy was roasting Howard.
Howard and Angry Political Guy were talking about TV and Howard mentioned that The Bachelor wasn't on this week because of a basketball game. Howard said that was upsetting to him. Howard let the Angry Political Guy go after that. He played a Caitlyn Jenner song parody too. It was 50 Ways to Remove Your Cock. Howard said there are literally 50 ways to cut your cock off in that song. He said count them. The song was going on and on.
Howard had Vocal Fry Betty (Rachel Butera) telling them who is on the show today. Howard said that is the worst case of vocal fry he's ever heard.
Howard said his dad tells him about the 4 cups of coffee he has with his lunch. He said his mom gets him the coffee. He said his sister will talk to him about that and how she doesn't understand why she has to get it for him.
Howard said his dad can't hear a thing these days. He said he asks him about the coffee and what size cup he has. He said his dad says it's a regular cup size. He doesn't use a mug. Howard said his dad talked about having another one in the morning before the 4 at lunch. Howard said this is the most they've spoken in years. Howard said his dad doesn't drink it in the morning. He has it in the afternoon.
Howard said he went to get his dad a father's day card. He said none of them are right. Howard said they say ''I love you'' and things like that. He said that they're about teaching him things but all his dad did was yell at him. He said that he didn't do jack shit. Howard said then he starts to believe that he was an idiot. Howard said his dad did get him a car when he got into radio. He said he's looking for a card to thank him for that. He said he eventually finds a card that works.
Howard said his dad was always there at home. He doesn't think he ever cheated. Robin said she caught her dad cheating. She said that he was with a girl who was younger than her. Robin said she never found that right card either. Howard said he's like the world's worst cheater. Howard asked if she caught him cheating on her. Robin said no, it wasn't that. She said one day she came home from work after a night shift and she stopped to pick something up at the supermarket. Robin said she was leaving and saw his car in front of her. She said she walked up to the car and saw a passenger in the car. She said she drove up next to him and some young girl was in the car. She followed him and saw him drop her off.
Howard said by the time he met the guy he had Alzheimer's. Howard asked what Robin did. Robin said she was going to say high but there was a girl in the car. Howard said maybe he was mentoring her. Robin said he didn't know anything.
Howard said his dad was pretty rock solid. He said that's the kind of card he had to find. Howard asked Robin if she ever told her mom about what she found her dad doing. Robin said she didn't but she's sure she knew something was up.
Howard said her mom probably wondered why he was sniffing his fingers after saying good night to Robin.
Howard asked the caller what he had to ask. The caller brought up Jeff Sessions and how he's asking congress to prosecute marijuana users. Howard said he was wondering where this guy came from. He said Brent sent him some information about that. He said he's trying to get rid of medical marijuana. Howard asked Brent if that was him. Brent came in and said that he is trying to get rid of the medical marijuana distributors. He said that's the most effective thing for people who suffer from PTSD. That's our soldiers who are suffering. Howard said no one is worrying about the Russians fucking with us but they are worried about the marijuana. Howard said fuck you to those people.
Brent said that the whole thing is ridiculous. Howard said even if the whole thing is a ruse to make pot legal, who cares? Brent said it's an amazing plant and they've been studying it for like 30 years.
Robin said they say that we're 30 years behind in research because of our Draconian law. Howard thanked the caller for the call but his phone was getting worse and worse.
Howard asked Brent how Bubba is. Howard said he emails Bubba and he hears that he's always depressed. Brent said he saw that his house is up for sale. Howard said they should buy it and make it into a museum. Howard said that's the house where his wife fucked Hulk Hogan. Howard said he might want to go into business with him over that. Howard said that should be the radio hall of fame. Brent said it is very famous.
Brent said he thinks the legal bills are killing Bubba. Howard said that people will study him in the future. Brent said you want to avoid court at all costs. Brent said he hasn't spoken to Bubba in a few months. He said he's sorry that all of this is happening to him. He said it's tough stuff. Brent said he saw that Bank of America is suing him. Howard said he has to give Bubba a call. He said he was on top of the world. He said he had the whole Bubba Army on his side. Brent said some people aren't good at handling business. He said that sometimes you have to let someone else handle it for you. Howard let Brent go after that. He wasn't sure where he was going with that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's so excited about Jimmy Fallon coming in. Howard said they had him booked 2 times and both times they had to reschedule. Howard said Jimmy was supposed to be on the day he was out sick and they had to reschedule.
Howard and the caller spent a little time talking about some of the things Jimmy has been up to lately. Howard said they'll talk to him about everything when he comes in. The caller said make sure he makes him sing something. Howard said he'll make him do everything. He said he'll get him to take his clothes off and show his dick. Howard said this woman must be his mother.
Howard said his mother was on the show confirming that he had a small penis many years ago. Howard said his friend Dr. Lou told him that his penis would grow eventually. He said it never did. He said his nose did. He said he still has a baby dick. Howard said Beth likes it though. He said he has 3 kids and a hot wife so he's doing okay. He said it wasn't that impressive. He said he's a grower. Robin said she's not even sure about that. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked who will be measuring this father and son contest. Gary said he thinks Richard will be doing that. Howard said he has to get on that.
Howard said he wants everyone to be excited about Cocktober. He said they have it all lined up. Howard said that's going to be exciting.
Howard took a call from Steve from Florida who said he was at Universal Studios and he rode a ride there that was so great. He said he's excited that Jimmy is coming in today. Howard said Steve is shot out of a cannon. He said he's so bad on the air. Howard said Jimmy designed a ride for Universal. He said he's not sure what his deal is but he could end up being rich from that. Steve said it's a 3D simulator and it feels like you're racing through Manhattan against Jimmy. He said the 3D puts you right there. Howard played a song parody about Steve from Florida while he was going on and on about the ride.
Howard asked if his toupee flew off during the ride. Steve said he did have to hold it at times. Howard laughed about that. Steve said he went into a hurricane simulator and he had a cap on and he lost that and had to hold his hair down.
Steve said you can see Jimmy's bits and stuff in the waiting area of the ride. He said he wanted to ask Jimmy a question too. He said last time Billy Joel was on they were going to crash a radio station together. Howard said that's not going to happen. He said he'll ask him though.
Howard said he was thinking about Steve. He said they have all of these unboxing videos and he was thinking that Steve should do an unboxing of his hair piece when it comes back from being groomed. Robin asked if he has more than one. Steve said he has 3. Howard asked who the company is. Steve said it's a company that grooms it. He said they add hair to it and put in grey if he wants more in there. He said it comes in a box. Howard said he should do an unboxing of that for the web site. Howard asked if he has ever gotten the wrong one back. Steve said no. He said they did add more grey when he asked for it. Howard said that would be a good unboxing for the website. Howard asked how he does that.
Howard said they had a meeting about Steve yesterday. Gary said he hadn't gotten on the air in 2 weeks and he was all depressed about that. Howard said he has to get over that. Steve said he knows. He said he gets crazy with himself. Howard had some audio of Shuli talking to Steve about not being picked up on in 2 weeks. Steve said he feels like he's being erased from the show. Steve said when you take away his name it's like being erased from the blackboard. He said it's like erasing who he is.
Howard said he should thank him for erasing his legacy. Steve said that it's entertainment. He said if he was boring and mundane he wouldn't have him on. Howard played a song parody about Steve.
Howard said Steve wants his name Bobo back so they were thinking that in Game of Thrones they had this woman walking around naked during the ''shame'' scene. Howard said they were thinking that he'd have to walk around the block in his underpants and have women ringing bells and saying ''shame'' as Steve walks around. Howard said he'd have no toupee or anything on. Howard said they could put a plunger on his head instead of the toupee. Howard said that way he could earn his name back.
Steve said he is coming up on the 20th. Howard said maybe make him wear his toupee over his face like the Wolfman. Howard played Steve off with a song parody. They went to break after that.
Howard played the audio of this interview Bill did with this guy from Newsmax. In the clip they said 90 percent of their listeners want him back on the air. Bill said you can go to his web site to find out his plans and listen to his podcast. Bill said he may come back to television. Bill said we live in a vicious age now so he's not sure when. Howard said you can't even tell a girl you want to fuck her with a luffa sponge without her wanting to sue you.
Howard played more of the clip and Bill said he may continue on the net or go back to TV. He said he's involved with Tweeting now too. Howard said he might just stick with Twitter. Robin said he loves when people call things the old term. He said he said he might continue on ''the net.''
Howard said Bill sounds broken. He said then this guy's audio goes bad. He said then you can't hear him. Howard played a clip where the audio got all screwed up. It just changed out of nowhere and Howard said it sounds like Eric the Actor's show. Howard said Bill is chattering away and no one can hear him.
Howard said Bill was number 1 in cable news and now it's this. Howard said the audio gets even worse. He said he thinks they were on Skype. Howard said he didn't know anyone even used Skype. Howard played more of Bill going on and on and his audio sounding worse. Howard said Jeff the Drunk's Periscope sounds better. He said Bill should go on Jeff's show. Robin said that guy doesn't know how to broadcast.
Howard played another clip where Bill talks about how the far left is out to get him. Howard said it was just a bunch of women saying Bill was coming on to them. Robin said when the far left targets you and there's evidence then there's a problem. Howard played the clip and Bill said they're going to drop some information in the next few weeks and it's stunning how organized it was. Howard said that's what OJ says about the ''real killer'' too. He said they just won't release the information. Bill was saying this was no accident that their sponsors were attacked. Howard asked how much longer they have to wait. Robin said it's a few weeks.
Howard asked what kind of information could possibly vindicate him. He played more of the interview. Robin said he's like Jeff Sessions saying he has the whole story but he can't tell us.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had Bill O'Reilly audio clips that they edited together to answer some questions Howard had. They had Bill saying some wacky stuff. They had him saying that he cum blasts Ann Coulter's face and Glenn Beck's back or something like that. They had Bill telling Robin to shush too.
Howard asked Bill about Ann Coulter and they had Bill saying she has a frightening cunt and it makes him age in dog years. They had Bill telling Robin to shut her cunt hole too.
Bill was talking about making ''doo, doo'' at the FOX News building and how Roger Ailes damaged the toilets there with his shits. He said he also came in his face every Monday through Thursday.
The guys had Bill saying he doesn't like his cock anymore. He said he just wants a real pussy because he knows he's a beautiful girl. Howard said he likes Bill this way. They had Bill laughing. Bill said that if you want to piss in his mouth you can reach him at BillThePeePeeBoy@BillOReilly.com. Howard said even Ronnie thinks that's gross. Howard said Fred is writing down the web site. Howard let Bill go after that. The guys kept going with the clips of Bill telling Robin to shush and saying ''fuck FOX.'' Howard said he better get back on TV because he sounds like he's cracking up.
Howard said Billy Bush is going nuts too. Howard said he has him on the phone as well. Howard picked up on Billy (impersonator) who was talking about a new show called Locker Room Talk that he's going to do. Howard said don't be a nice guy. The guys in the back had pre-recorded clips of fake Billy that they were playing.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to fake Billy Bush clips. Howard said he had to go and let Billy go.
Howard said that those are the conversations you really want to hear. He said he hopes they tune in for Cocktober. Robin said they should listen together. Howard said they should team up and do a show together. Robin wondered if Bill is touring with Dennis Miler. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he's out touring with someone else. Howard said Bill is laying low. Gary said according to Dennis' web site he has some dates coming up in July with Bill. Howard said that's going to be weird.
Howard said he was listening to a clip of Oliver Stone praising Vladimir Putin on the Colbert show. Howard asked how you embrace Putin. Howard said every journalist who goes and says something shitty about him ends up poisoned or disappears. Howard said there are people who think he's someone to be sucked up to. He doesn't get it. Robin said she doesn't understand it either. Robin said there are people who say this guy isn't good but then there are people who want to yuck it up with him.
Howard played a clip of Oliver Stone talking about Putin and how he seems to love his country and he's been insulted and abused. Howard said he gets rid of people if they abuse him in the press. The audience didn't sound impressed with that. Howard asked what planet that guy is from. He said he wouldn't want to talk to Oliver Stone. Howard said he thinks he met him at a party once like 20 years ago. He said he had just gotten divorced and he was Hollywood Howie going to parties and stuff. Howard said he was on line for the bathroom at this guy's house and Oliver Stone was there. Howard said even then he didn't want to talk to him.
Howard said he's got to be fucking kidding about him being abused in the press. Howard played more of Stone talking about how he doesn't know if Putin has killed anyone. He said if he has he hasn't seen the evidence. Howard said these Russians are fucking with us. He said he's not sure when we became impervious to that. He said it's crazy. Howard said Showtime is airing his interview with Putin this week. He said he can't wait to not tune into that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Colin Jost dating Scarlett Johansson. Howard said he's not sure if the guy is good looking or not. Robin said he's okay. Howard said she must think he's going places or something. Howard said it is a good catch for someone on Saturday Night Live. The caller asked how long Howard would last with her. Howard said maybe 30 seconds. He said that's how long he lasts with any girl. He said sometimes he cums as soon as he's in. He said he waits a few minutes and tries again and he still can't last a minute. The caller said he must be good by the third time. Howard said he usually falls asleep. He said he used to be able to cum 5 times in one night when he was younger.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she got a voice changer. Howard said he's going to hang up on her. Mariann took the voice changer off. She said she tuned in to see America's Got Talent and Simon is a smug douche. Howard said he doesn't care about that show. He said he doesn't watch it anymore. Howard said that was a great bit with the voice changing thing. Howard asked who put her up to that. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said Jimmy Fallon is there. He said he's the host of the Tonight Show. Howard asked if Jimmy thinks about that show and what it represents. He got sidetracked when he saw he had a beard. Jimmy said he thought about just growing a moustache. Howard asked if NBC is after him about that stuff. Howard said late night TV is so scrutinized. Jimmy said NBC doesn't care. Howard said it's a shitty job in some ways. He said that his life must have changed a lot. Jimmy said that it's interesting to see that when you're number 1 people try to take you out. Howard said he feels like the NY Post has it in for him. Jimmy said he agrees. Howard said any time he takes a drink they have it in for him.
Jimmy said he went to a club and he doesn't usually go to clubs. He said they went out for a drink one night. He said Justin Timberlake asked if he wanted to watch the show. Jimmy said he doesn't do that. He said Justin said they can rent out this club and have some friends over. Jimmy said he'd give it a try. He said he'd never been to the 40/40 club. Jimmy said they had a good show with Justin and Ellen. He said they had a lot of fun. Jimmy said they went to the club and they barely watched the show. He said they had a good time though. Howard said Jimmy doesn't have time for friends. Jimmy said he doesn't have any friends. Howard said he sees Jimmy's wife more than him and he's friends with Jimmy.
Jimmy said they went to the 40/40 club and rented it out for the writers of the show. He said it was the worst part. He said they went out for a drink in a bar instead. He said the next day it was in the paper that he was stumbling out of a bar alone. He said he wasn't stumbling and they were just in the bar having a debate about a Cher song. Jimmy said he's too old to go out to bars now but it ends up in the paper if he does.
Howard asked Jimmy if he can do a show 5 nights a week and all of the other stuff that he does and still have time to drink. Jimmy said he was a mess after doing Saturday Night Live. He said he was going to come to Howard's show the Monday after and he was just too much of a mess to make it in.
Howard said he has two kids and a wife and the show and he'd lose his mind if he had all of that going on. Jimmy said he loves reading stuff but he's afraid something will be written about him. Howard asked why his wife can't cut out holes in the paper when there's something about him. Jimmy said his horoscope would be missing.
Howard said he knows it's a lot of pressure on Jimmy. Jimmy said he heard there was going to be a page six thing about him being an alcoholic. He said he's not sure who is doing that. He said it was on the cover of the paper recently. Howard asked if he skips going to the bar now. Jimmy said he does.
Howard said when Jimmy was a kid his parents would buy him beer so he could drink while watching Saturday Night Live. Jimmy said he was only 15 at the time. He said they'd rather have him at home safe and not out drinking and driving. He said sometimes he'd be alone drinking while watching Saturday Night Live. He said he paid attention to every single thing on the show. He said he was really into it and he'd tell people to get out of they said they didn't like a character on the show. Jimmy said he still loves that show.
Howard said his parents were really nice to let him drink. Jimmy said his mom was a nun at one point. Howard said that's crazy. He said he knew a guy who was a priest who ended up marrying a nun. He said that's something you don't do. Jimmy said he thought about being a priest. He said he was talking to Bill Maher about it one day and he wondered if he got the bug to be in show business from being up on the altar.
Howard asked how his dad seduced a nun. Jimmy said he hasn't asked. He said they grew up together in Brooklyn. He said his mom was a nun for like a week but it did technically count. Howard said that's pretty heavy. Robin said that Jesus was her first husband. Howard said his father is quite the player. Howard said he knew her in high school but he didn't date her. Jimmy said they just knew each other. Howard asked if she left the convent because of her dad. Jimmy said he doesn't think so. He said that she just couldn't take it. Howard asked him to bring his mom on the show so he can ask her. Jimmy said that they're characters now. He said they're sitcom characters. He said his parents can't hear each other. He said they yell at each other. He said they make him laugh but every single thing is a news story.
Jimmy said he helped his parents move recently. Howard asked how old they are. Jimmy said they're not as old as they should be. He said his mom is like 65. He said she's wandering around and taking the bus to Macy's. He said his mom points out a Chinese restaurant called Peking Duck and his dad tells her it says ''Parking Deck.'' He said that's the kind of stories he hears every day. Howard said he should have them on the show. Jimmy said don't say that because they'll do it.
Howard said there must be a passionate story there. He said that he seduced a nun. Jimmy laughed. Howard said his mom must be pretty hot. Jimmy said he has a good looking family. Howard asked if they're super religious. Jimmy said he used to go to church every day before school. He said that he doesn't have time to do anything anymore.
Howard said the whole drunk thing with Jimmy started when he injured his finger. Jimmy said he grabbed the counter top and his ring got caught on the side of the counter and it pulled his finger out. Howard said he doesn't wear rings after hearing that story. Jimmy said he can't play guitar anymore. Robin let out an ''Ohhh'' but Jimmy said he wasn't that good. Howard said he was pretty good. He said he saw him play. He said they were at Steve Martin's house and he got up and played and he thought that he had balls to do that. Howard said Steve said to Jimmy to get up and play something. He said Jimmy just did it. Howard said it was funny.
Howard said they were at another party and he had Jimmy photo bombing every photo. Jimmy said they were at another party where Carly Simon was. He said that he loves this story. Howard said this wasn't at Steve's. Jimmy said Carly told Howard who ''You're So Vain'' was about. He said he heard the story on the show and he went home and he forgets who Carly told him the song was about. Howard said he really did forget. He said it was 3 guys. Howard said one of them was Warren Beatty but the other two he doesn't remember. Jimmy said he couldn't believe he forgot. Howard said Carly must have known he was a douche and he'd forget.
Howard said Jimmy did that 40th anniversary Saturday Night Live show. He said he hasn't even asked him about it. Jimmy said it was the end all be all party. He said it's the best one he's ever been to. Howard said Jimmy has been to a lot of parties. He said Justin Timberlake was there. Howard asked if he has a bromance with that guy. Jimmy said he's a good friend. Howard said Jimmy used to email with David Bowie. Howard said he should have emailed with him. He said that he's not good with it. Howard said people want him to be witty and he doesn't know what to write back. Jimmy said Howard is funny though.
Howard asked what he would email Bowie about. Jimmy said he'd ask if he's ever written a song or something like that. Howard said there must be pressure to be cool in an email with a guy like that. Jimmy said he has a great sense of humor so it doesn't take long.
Howard asked if Jimmy uses emojis. Jimmy said not at all. He said he's not an emoji person but he has sent a smiley face. He said he doesn't even know what they all mean.
Howard said he can't believe that he didn't fuck Nicole Kidman who wanted to fuck him. Jimmy said a friend called about her coming over and he ended up playing video games. Jimmy said they were thinking of doing a Bewitched show with her and him as Darren. He said he didn't want to have anyone over because his apartment wasn't ready. He said he bought some Saltines and Brie cheese and kind of made it look fancy. He said that he wasn't sure what to do with the cheese. He said the whole thing was a nightmare. Jimmy said she comes over and he was trying to be professional with her talking about the movie. He said she asked what all of these wires were. Jimmy said he had a Nintendo game and she asked what games he was playing. Jimmy said he told her what he was playing and she asked if she wanted to learn to play. He said it was so lame. Jimmy said he didn't get the part. Howard said Will Ferrell got the part so he must have banged the shit out of her.
Jimmy said Nicole came on the show and she asked if he remembers meeting her. He said she told the story on the Tonight Show and she said she was interested in him sexually. Jimmy said that he had no idea. He said she thought he might be gay.
Howard wondered who else he could have gotten. Jimmy said he doesn't remember who he could have gotten.
Howard asked Jimmy about his finger. Jimmy said he can feel about 70-80 percent of it now. He said he can't play guitar with that though. Howard said maybe if he had a robot finger. Jimmy said maybe a terminator finger. Howard said maybe a dead guy's finger. Howard asked if they put a vein or something into it. Jimmy said it's insane what they do. He said the doctor he saw said he would just cut it off. Howard said it was distracting to him when he had the cast on. Jimmy said the doctor took a vein out of his foot and put it in his finger so the blood worked to the tip of the finger. He said it's micro surgery. Robin said now he can't play guitar with his foot.
Howard said when Jimmy did the bit on the Tonight Show he did with ZZ Top he must have been bummed. Jimmy said it did bum him out.
Howard asked Jimmy to go back to the 40th anniversary show for Saturday Night Live. Jimmy said he was there when Eddie Murphy walked in. He said he didn't really know him. He said he was great. He said it smelled the same in the studio. He said Eddie was really into that. He said that Norm Macdonald was there and he was talking to Lorne about something. He said then Seinfeld walks in. Howard said these are all of the impressions Jimmy does. Howard said he does Seinfeld, Chris Rock and those guys. Howard said that Jimmy did Travolta on the show and he did both old and new Travolta. Jimmy said he thought it would be funny to do one from the past and one from current day. He did those impressions for Howard and Howard said they're fucking awesome. He said he does both Travoltas.
Jimmy said that you can do that with Al Pacino too. He did the impressions for Howard. He did the old impression and the current day Pacino. Howard wondered how that happened to Pacino. He said his voice changed so dramatically. He said it's the same with Travolta. Howard asked if Travolta ever heard him do those. Jimmy said he heard him do the first one. He said he could tell he was a fan when he met him. He said he was doing the Vinnie Barberino voice.
Howard said that all of these people are walking in at Saturday Night Live and Jimmy does impressions of all of these guys. Jimmy did his Chris Rock impression where he just keeps saying the same name over and over. Jimmy said he doesn't do it as well as he used to. Jimmy did his Jerry Seinfeld impression and that led to them talking about the Kesha hug thing that happened recently. Howard said he thought that was appropriate. Howard said they were out at a dinner party for Jerry's birthday and Jimmy did some of his impression but then backed off. Robin asked what Jerry was doing. Howard said they were at a table and he wondered if Jimmy was gong to do the impression and he sneaked it in. Jimmy said he was desperate for attention. Jimmy said he may have been telling the story about doing it on Saturday Night Live.
Howard said Jimmy does a Lorne Michaels impression too. Jimmy said he doesn't really. Howard said all of these people are showing up to the Saturday Night Live anniversary special. Jimmy said he was there with his wife and everyone you can think of was there. He said Tom Hanks was right next to him. He said Keith Richards was there.
Howard said what's great is that people who were on Saturday Night Live weren't even on the show. They just got to sit there. Howard said Piscopo was there but he didn't get to do a walk on. Howard said Dana Carvey was there. He did a Wayne's World. Howard said Eddie Murphy was there but he wasn't funny. Jimmy said Eddie was kind of funny when he improvised. Howard said he should have done a sketch. Howard said he should have done Gumby or something.
Howard asked Jimmy about sitting next to Jack Nicholson. Jimmy said he's known him for a long time. He said he laughs at things just the way you expect him to. Jimmy said they went to a Yankee game once and Jack and Lorne were there. He said everyone was yelling out to Jack his famous lines. He said that they got a soda and Cracker Jacks. He said Jack asked if he got the prize yet. Jimmy pulled it out and it was a sticker of a snake. He said Jack said when he was a kid he used to get metal things and now all you get is a picture of a snake.
Jimmy said the after party was the best. He said it was so good. He said he went into the party and it was what you'd think every Saturday Night Live party is. He said it's not like that every time though. Jimmy said he saw a thousand people there. He said he got a drink and he was told that Paul McCartney was calling for him on stage. Howard asked why he's that guy. Jimmy said he just has to do it. He said they were doing a blues thing on stage. He said Lorne got a stage there and no band. He said that they had musicians there but no band. He said they just get up and play. Jimmy said he got up and emceed. He said as soon as he got up there Dan Aykroyd got off stage and said that he's been doing it for 40 years so it's his turn. Jimmy said that he had to take over.
Howard asked if he enjoys that he's the guy who does that. He said he's always that guy. He said he was even that guy at the party they had at his house for Jimmy Kimmel.
Howard asked if Jimmy hates any of the late night guys. Jimmy said he doesn't. Howard said he must get pissed when Colbert has a pizza party to celebrate beating him in the ratings. Jimmy said they have a pizza party when they lose. Howard said he had to be number 1 when he was on radio. He said the thing now is that everyone is obsessed with Trump. Howard said Jimmy isn't a political guy but he will comment. Howard said he had Trump on the show. He said people are obsessed with Trump right now. Howard said Jimmy is in a weird zone right now. Howard said everyone is giving him a hard time right now. Jimmy said that they've had Trump on for years. He said they ask him to do bits and they asked Hillary to do a bit too. He said she had it in the bag thoguh so she didn't do a bit. Jimmy said they told him he could mess up Trump's hair on his show. He said that he did it and no one has done that. He said that people were so upset with him. He said he just read the room wrong. He said he didn't know. Howard said you can never be right with politics. Howard said everyone is so political right now.
Howard said Jimmy is like a lightning rod when he's number 1. Jimmy said he's a people pleaser and he just wants to make people happy. Howard asked if he went into a depression when people were criticizing him. Jimmy said he did. He didn't talk about it the next night because he thought it was going to blow over. Howard said he doesn't think people are thinking about that stuff. Howard added that he did vote for Trump because of that bit. He said he actually voted for Hillary.
Jimmy said he has two girls and a wife and they live in Manhattan. He said it was just craziness after the election. He said he does the show for a lot of people. Howard said his strategy was to just be the life of the party and have fun. Howard said he doesn't think he should change that strategy. Jimmy said he's not going to. He said that he's still trying to figure out what it's like with Trump in office. He said he had Obama there the whole time he was in late night. Howard said they're going to beat the fun out of him. He said it happens. Howard said one day he's going to wake up wishing he didn't have to go to work.
Howard asked Jimmy about the deal Spielberg had with Universal Studios. He said he got percentages in the parks and he's making hundreds of millions from those theme parks. Howard asked if Jimmy got a good deal. Jimmy said he didn't because he just did it because it sounded cool. He said that he's just a kid from Upstate New York and he can't believe that it happened. Howard said Steve from Florida called in about it and said that it was great. Jimmy said it really is good. He said he's in the whole thing. He said he wrote it with some writers from the show. He said they take you on a race through Manhattan. He said they go to the moon and more. Howard asked why he didn't get a good deal for that. Jimmy said it was just a minimum kind of deal. Robin said she thought he had a flavor with Ben & Jerry's. Jimmy said he still has that. He said the money from that goes to charity. Jimmy said Howard should go on this ride. He said it's so much fun and it's so cool.
Howard asked Jimmy about the 40th anniversary party again. Jimmy said that McCartney asked him to do a song. He said he knows every Beatles song. He said he was listening to the Beatles channel there on Sirius and he lost his voice singing along. Howard said he listens to Lithium. Jimmy said he likes 40s on 4. Howard said Jimmy got mad at Beth for not knowing the lyrics to a song. Jimmy said he did not. Howard said he did. Howard said he's the worst with lyrics. Jimmy said he loves music so he knows them.
Howard asked Jimmy about how he remembers lyrics. Jimmy wasn't able to remember ''Smells Like Teen Spirit'' when Howard asked him to come up with the lyrics. Howard said it's not so easy.
Jimmy said he had to keep things going on stage with the band. He said he saw Taylor Swift there so he asked her to come up. He said she came up and she was awesome. Howard said if he was a young man he'd do her. Jimmy said that Paul asked to do another song so they did that. He said Taylor looked at him like ''What's Drive My Car'' and he told her not to worry about it. Jimmy said they did one of Taylor's songs. They did ''Shake it Off'' and Paul didn't know what that was. Jimmy said that Paul left and Miley Cyrus got up and performed. He said they have a segment on the show tonight where he and Miley Cyrus went in the subway and did a song. He said they were in disguise.
Howard asked if Jimmy is in therapy at all. Jimmy said he needs to. He asked if Howard is available to be a therapist. Howard said he needs therapy to handle family life and the Tonight Show. Jimmy said he believes in it. Howard said he has to put 100 percent into that show or he has nothing. Howard said that's what he has to tell the kids when they grow up. Howard said that's why they have a nice house.
Howard asked if he can relax on the weekends. Jimmy said his wife is the best so he does get to relax. Howard asked if the kids get to see him on Sunday night. Jimmy said he sees them on Friday night before they go to bed.
Jimmy said he has a character he's working on for meditation. He was doing a British accent and talking really slowly. Howard said he sounds like Michael Caine. Jimmy said he'll go to therapy if Howard thinks he should.
Howard asked if he wishes he was still on Saturday Night Live. Jimmy said no way. He said he was a mess after doing the guest host thing for a week. He said his head was spinning by Sunday night. Jimmy told Howard about how he came up with what he wanted to do in the opening monologue. He said he came up with ''Lets Dance.'' Howard said that's a tough song to pull off. Jimmy said they did it and got Nile Rogers and it was just crazy. He said Alec Baldwin was there and he said only he could make that happen. He said they painted the hallways black and had a ton of dancers there. Howard said meanwhile Alec can do no wrong lately with that Trump impression.
Jimmy got back to the 40th anniversary party story and told Howard about seeing Ariana Grande at the party and he got her to come on stage. Howard said he loves how these girls are almost naked on stage. He said 90 percent of the time she's almost naked. Howard asked if cast members on Saturday Night Live get mad at Alec for taking that role. He said when you're on the show you want to get your time on the show. Howard said maybe they resent him. Jimmy said they don't because no one had a Trump. Howard said Jimmy could have come up with one. Howard said the young cast must be pissed. Jimmy said he thinks that everyone is watching now so they're getting noticed too so it's all good for them.
Jimmy said he was looking around in the audience at the 40th anniversary party. He said that they did a Bruce Springsteen song and then he sees Bill Murray in the crowd and asks him to come up. Howard said he's orchestrating a night there. He said that must be awesome. Jimmy said it's like a human juke box. He said Bill Murray got on stage and did a song with Elvis Costello and others. He said this was going on until like 4 or 5. He said Chris Rock gets up and then Dave Chappelle gets up. Then they get Prince up there on stage. He said it was like a David Blaine trick and he just kind of floated up on stage. Jimmy said that he just magically appeared on stage. He said Prince had gloves on so he takes them off and he holds them. He said Prince does ''Lets go Crazy'' which is what you want from him. He said that the great guys give it up. He said the place melted. He said there was no way to top it. Howard said maybe he was the guy who was the catalyst.
Howard said he went to see Prince once and he turned out all of the lights so he got up and left. Howard said he loved prince too and he walked out. Jimmy said after all of that he had to go home to sleep. He said he had to do a show that night.
Howard said Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Steve Allen and Jack Parr all hosted the Tonight Show. Howard said Jimmy took it over and he was beating Letterman right away. Howard asked if he thought about that. Jimmy said he really didn't. He said you just do your show. He said he doesn't think Letterman was thinking about him in the ratings. Howard asked if he wants to say anything to the other late night shows. Howard told him to just say fuck you to Colbert. Jimmy said he can't do it. He said he likes Colbert. Howard said just do it. Jimmy said he loves all of those dudes. Howard said just call James Corden a tubby asshole. Jimmy said he can't do it. He can't go after anyone. Howard told him to go after Andy Cohen. Jimmy said he just can't do it. He said this is getting silly. Howard said just call Bill Maher a racist or something. Jimmy said he can't do it.
Howard asked Jimmy how long he's been hosting the Tonight Show. Jimmy said it's been 3 years. He said it's just crazy. Robin asked if it seems longer. Jimmy said it does actually. He said the first show he did he had his parents at. He said they heckled him at that show. Jimmy said he made a joke about not graduating high school but look at him now. He said his dad yelled out ''I paid a lot of money for that school.'' He said he got a big laugh.
Howard said he and Jimmy should study the other shows and find weaknesses. Jimmy said Colbert is a funny guy and he's doing what people want to see right now. Jimmy said he can't even listen to Howard's show because he's on it today.
Howard asked if Jimmy would have Kathy Griffin on his show. Jimmy said sure he would. Howard asked if he's on Twitter. Jimmy said he has slowed way down. He said he can't read that stuff. Howard said he just has to ban some people. Jimmy said there was a musical band that said they wanted some dumb thing on the show and he told them to just leave. He said that they wanted them to change something in the show. He said they did it. Jimmy said he told Howard who it was but he forgot it already.
Howard asked Jimmy if someone who worked on Saturday Night Live wanted to be on the show but they're not that good and you have to pass on them, do they go to him directly. Jimmy said he's never passed on anyone. Howard said that's bullshit. Jimmy said he'd never pass on anyone from Saturday Night Live.
Howard asked Jimmy what he thinks about Colin Jost dating Scarlett Johansson. Jimmy didn't know about that. Howard said they were making out at the after party when she was on Saturday Night Live. Howard said Jimmy is busy playing video games so he doesn't know about this.
Howard said Jimmy has a ride at Universal Studios. Howard said it's called Race Through New York and it's at Universal in Florida. Howard said he's also hosting The Tonight Show. Howard said his contract is through 2020 or 2025 or something. Howard said Jimmy has done it. Jimmy said it's so fun to do. He said he loves it.
Jimmy asked if Howard likes roller coasters. Howard said he hates them. Jimmy said he could handle this 3D ride. He said it's like the tea cup ride. Howard said he could do that.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said that he thinks it was a great move not to go after Trump. He said it's just a fun show. He said he just wants to unwind and chill. He said it's a great show. Ralph told him to do more ''Eww.'' Jimmy said he'll do that. Howard said don't listen to him.
Howard said Jimmy has done it all. He said that he's got a great life with his wife and kids and he has The Tonight Show. Howard said Jimmy did it all today. He reviewed what they went over today. Howard gave him some plugs and wrapped up with Jimmy. They went to break after that.
Howard said he wants to mention that Father's day is coming up this Sunday. Howard said he found some father/son porn. He said he didn't find it himself. He thought Sal and Richard did but JD said he'll cop to it. He said he found it. Howard said this is a dad catching his son jerking off. Howard played the clip and the father finds his son and spanks him for doing that. Howard said every incest porn has the exact same plot. Howard said he was jealous because at least that guy spent some time with his son.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra sent Robin a Father's day message. Howard played the clip and Lenny said that a lot of dads like to take their kids out and play ball. He said his dad taught him that when you know what you want you have to go for it. He said he's going for Robin and that would please his father. He said he can please Robin and she'll find out how.
Howard said Lenny's son Cutter Dykstra also cut a message to Robin. Howard said he's a grown man and he was a baseball player for some team. Howard asked if he's right about that. Howard said he's 27 years old and he might be married to Jamie Lynn Siegler from The Sopranos. Howard said he sent a message to Robin. Howard said he played for the Nationals. Howard played the clip and Cutter asked Robin to give his dad a chance. He said he thinks Robin would be pleasantly surprised if she went out with him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thought the Fallon interview was amazing. He said he likes Fallon too. He said he doesn't get to talk about stuff like this on his own show so it's great to hear him open up on the show. Howard said he didn't mean to keep him there so long. He said it was great to see him though.
Robin said 5 people were shot in Virginia at a practice for the GOP baseball team. Robin said one of the people hit was a member of congress. Robin said he's in surgery right now. Robin said she's also learning that the gunman is dead. Robin said the shooter is believed to have shot dozens of shots. Robin said anywhere from 50-80 shots were fired. Robin said a lot of people were out practicing when the shots were fired. Robin had some audio. Robin said they say Steve Scalise was shot and a bunch of people ran to help him when he was shot. Robin said they called his wife to let her know what was going on. Robin said he's expected to recover from his wounds. Robin said President Trump is reacting to this and he says that he's a true friend and a patriot. Howard said some guy just showed up and started shooting. Robin said they say he had a ton of ammunition. Robin asked what this is going to do with the gun debate. Howard said it's going to go on forever. Howard said the criminals don't abide by the law. Howard said you need a gun to fight back in some of these situations. Howard said the debate will go on forever.
Howard said he was reading a story about an 87 year old woman who was being attacked and she had a gun and she took on some young guys to stop them from killing people. Howard said in a perfect worked a gun never would have been invented. He said that's not the case so you need guns to protect yourself. Howard said an elderly person can fend off these guys if they have a gun.
Robin had more audio of people commenting on the incident. Robin read through more of the story and had more clips for Howard to play.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't get the yanks. He said up in Canada they have to jump through some hoops to get a gun so they should have something like that down there. Howard said he thinks people are for that. He said maybe some don't want that but the licensing is what they need. Howard said that he agrees there are too many out there. Howard said the crazy guy isn't going to get a license. The caller said he had to get references from people saying he's not crazy to get a gun. Howard said that sounds reasonable to him.
Robin had more audio of people talking about the shooting in Virginia. Robin said the story is ongoing so she believes the gunman is dead. Gary said they're not so sure about that. Robin said that was one of the reports that came across her desk.
Howard took a call from a woman who said there should be a vetting process for gun owners. She said that she hopes if she's ever in a crowd and someone starts shooting that they're able to stop that person with a gun. Howard said that some people don't agree with that but some do. Howard said those cops are brave. He said pistols against a rifle is scary. He said he's sorry to hear about all of that. Howard said they may not have all the details yet so he's sorry about that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read more about the shootings and how 2 police officers were killed in the incident. Howard said it's a crazy scene.
Robin read a story about student who was released from a north Korean prison. Robin said he's now back in the U.S. but he's in a coma. Robin said he fell into a coma after contracting botulism and then being given a sleeping pill. Robin said you never go to North Korea as a tourist.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to make some points about gun control. He said the vast majority of mass shootings are people who got licenses for their guns. Howard said if you're standing somewhere and someone is shooting at you do you stand there like a sheep and give up or are you allowed to fight back legally. Howard said he thinks you should have a shot at fighting back. Howard said people have the right to arm up and fight back. The caller said these horrible acts are being done with legal guns. Howard said sometimes they are and sometimes they're not. He said the person doing the shooting isn't going to stop if they don't have a license because he's on a suicide mission. Howard said he doesn't want to get into this debate right now. The caller thanked him for allowing him to call in.
Robin corrected the story about the two officers. She said they were ''hurt'' and not killed. Robin said the news is still coming in.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had someone doing an Alex Jones impression. Howard said that whole thing about Megyn Kelly and Alex Jones is weird to him. He said just because she's interviewing the guy doesn't mean she agrees with him. He said she has the right to interview the guy.
Robin said Mariah Carey is in the news today. Robin said she wants to take on Tucker Carlson after Carlson went off on her in some rant. Robin had some clips to play. JD came in and said that clip was from December. JD explained what was going on with that clip. Howard told him to go back to looking at gay porn. Robin had more clips to play where Tucker was going off on this woman from Teen Vogue. Robin said this is why Mariah is standing up for her.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden and asked if he banned him yesterday. Tommy called him ''My nigga'' and said he thought he was his nigga. Howard said he has Sour Tommy on the phone too. Sour Shoes was doing an impression of Tommy. Howard said he's wise to Tommy. He said he knows he tweeted horrible pictures of him. Tommy asked what they were. Howard said Tommy was banned and he called in anyway. Howard said here he is taking his call. Tommy said he respects that about him. Sour Tommy a question and Tommy realized he was quoting him. He said his accent is horrible.
Howard said Tommy was slammed in the email. He read some of the stuff that people emailed in about how awful Tommy is and how happy they were that he was banned. Tommy said something about how that's how the lefties are. Tommy said Howard was so nice to him talking about his wife. Howard said he's nice to people until they turn on him behind his back. Howard said fuck Tommy, he's going to talk to Sour Tommy.
Tommy said if Howard believes the Russians had anything to do with the election then he's retarded. Howard said it's not him, it's our intelligence community. Howard said he has to get this guy off the fucking radio. Howard asked if he thinks that the CIA and FBI are lying about the Russian interference. Howard said if they're lying then we don't have a country. Howard said we might as well break up the union and give Texas back to Mexico. Howard said Rome is burning. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a video going around showing a Missouri lawmaker cutting a chicken's head off and removing its heart to make a point about abortion. Robin had some audio of the guy doing that. Howard said he doesn't eat birds. He said he did for years but not anymore. Howard said he's not for doing that on video. He said doing it for entertainment purposes isn't right. Robin said he thinks that we were given dominion over everything by god. Howard said he's not so sure about that. Howard said that's a real turn off. He wishes he hadn't heard that. Howard said he's animal lover. He said they have a cat giving birth at the house. Howard said they might be doing that right now. Howard said the kittens are ready to come and it could be going down now. Robin said they better hurry up and get Howard home. Howard said he's excited about it. He said he's the wet nurse.
Robin read a story about Jeff Sessions testifying yesterday. Robin had some details and some clips from that.
Robin read about today being Trump's 71st birthday today. Robin said he's getting a disapproval rating that just hit a record high. Robin said that he's out pacing everyone else in the shortest amount of time. Robin said they say 60 percent of America disapprove of his performance so far.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about when he grew up and getting into fights with black kids. Howard said it wasn't really a fight, he just got beaten up. The caller asked if he ever blurted out the N-word. Howard said never. He said it never occurred to him to use it. Robin said you don't do that if you're being beaten up. Howard said he thinks about how he should be a racist but he never was. He said he just yelled ''Please stop'' and things like that. The caller said he imagines him going home and cursing them out using the N-word. Howard said you just have to take his word for it. He said he really never did have that thought in his head. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard kept talking about how he never did use the N-word when he was being beaten up. He said he wasn't that race conscious. He said it's weird. Robin said when Ice Cube was on Bill Maher's show he said that they own that word. Howard said you can't own a word if it's out there being used.
Howard took a call from Chad from St. Louis who said ''Hi sweet love'' as his hello. Howard said that's what he says to his wife. Chad said he used that because he has some criticism. He said the wolf/sheep thing isn't a good analogy. Howard said it's a good one. He said it's a really emasculating thought to think there are warriors or sheep dogs and then there's the sheep and the wolves. Howard said some of us are sheep. He went through that analogy that Chad had asked him to never use again. Chad said he hates it when Howard does that. He said it's so easy to say that people are sheep. Howard said of course they are. He said we're sitting ducks. He said we must defend ourselves. Chad asked him not to use it again. Howard told him to get the fuck off his phone.
Robin read about the shooter in the Virginia shootings. Robin said he is in custody and he's from Illinois. Robin had some details about the guy. Howard said that guy's a wolf. He said ''Sorry Chad.'' Howard said we're sheep. He said some of us are hippos. He said Benjy is a hippo. He said he really has to lose some weight.
Robin read a story about President Trump pushing for apprenticeships at a school he was making a speech at. Howard said he sounds like he just wants to go home. Robin had some audio of President Trump and Ivanka Trump speaking there. Robin said she loves people who never had jobs talking about jobs. Howard said he remembers his dad telling him that if he was an actuary that he'd be able to make a living. Howard said he was horrible at math so he's not sure how he thought he'd make it there.
Robin read a story about the mayor of Tangier island in Virginia not to worry about the rising sea levels. Robin said the island is losing up to 16 feet of coast line a year. Robin said Trump told the mayor there that the island has been there ''hundreds'' of years and it'll be there for hundreds more. Howard made his own speech that sounded like the clip from the Trump speech he played.
Robin asked what America's Got Talent is going to do about this doctor who came on and sang a song and did great and he's included in this season but he died. Robin said they haven't aired his segment yet. Howard said they should air it but he thinks they're going to cut it. Robin had some audio of the guy singing. Howard said he saw a lot of good singers on America's Got Talent. He said you have to have original songs though. He said Howie always disagreed with him on that. He said he'd get into an argument and then he'd ask what he's doing with his life. Robin said the guy was in a car accident and ended up dying at 29 years old.
Robin read a story about a new drug that's out that gives you a tan without going in the sun. Robin said you can take a pill and it will tan you. Howard said he bets Tan Mom is happy about that. Robin said it might work for red heads. Robin said it's not available yet though.
Howard said he has some news. He said Scott wasn't yelling in a room by himself. He said this is an update on yesterday's show. Howard said it was another person who works there. He said Scott has been vindicated. Robin said they really railed on Scott yesterday about that.
Robin read a story about a doctor who is offering tips on how to avoid ticks and getting Lyme disease. Howard said this is what he wants to hear. Robin had a clip of the doctor saying use insect repellant with Deet in it. Howard said how about just staying inside. Howard said his big tip is use bug spray. Howard said even he knew that. Howard said he won't walk in the grass because there might be ticks. Robin had a few more tips. Howard said he got a tick on his balls once.
Robin read a story about the Cosby trial and how jurors are still going over the case. Robin had some details about that. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.