Howard started the show dancing and singing along to the opening theme song. Howard said he doesn't want to be there. He said there was speculation about where he was last Wednesday. Howard said he took a sick day. It wasn't a personal day. He said he has something like the flu and lung cancer. He said he has something with a fever and flu. Robin said maybe it's hay fever. Howard said it's not that. He said he's going to try to do the show but if he can't continue on he's going to stop short. He wondered why it was such a big deal when he took a day off.
Howard said these assholes started calling his mother's house. He asked if he's 5. Howard said you don't call his mother. He said you call his wife. He's married. Howard said they were calling his mother to see why he was missing school. Howard said he's so old that they call his mother. He said that gets her all shook up. Howard said he didn't think he had to clear it with her. Howard did an impression of his mother asking him to call him back about these people calling her. Howard said it turns into a whole thing and he has to answer to his mother about that. He said she was asking why he was sick. He asked what he did wrong. Howard said he just picked up a virus. He said she was asking where he would get that and if he was getting sleep and deep rest. He said he is getting deep rest.
Howard said his sister called her too. He said that people want to know where he is. He said he's trying to grow up. He asked if Robin can believe this. Robin said it's crazy. Howard said the reports on TV were saying his father was ill and all of this. He said he was just ill. Howard said he was getting notes from friends who were wondering what was going on. Howard said his friends were all asking what was going on. It was just a sick day. Howard said he wanted to take off today too. He said his voice is still shot. He said he was afraid to. He said he dared not. Howard said he feels so guilty. Howard said here was a reporter outside his apartment for 2 days and asking Beth what was going on. Howard said he missed a day of work and now it's bigger news than James Comey. Robin said that poor guy was fired and he can't get a line in the paper. Howard said that guy is 6'8'' tall. Robin said she didn't know that. Howard said the guy is huge.
Robin said that was a crazy firing. Howard said it was. He said on Tuesday he was talking about some guys in the FBI that he knows. He said he was talking about Comey with them and they were all saying Comey is the greatest guy and they love him as the director of the FBI. Howard said in their line of work they have to know he has their back. Howard said he's not sure why he'd announce they were investigating Hillary. He said that bothered the FBI guys. He said aside from that he was a good leader. Howard said he treated everyone fairly from what he heard. Then he got fired. Howard said it's weird. He said he's not sure wheat's going on. He said he doesn't give a fuck.
Robin said that she enjoys the Saturday Night Live stuff. Howard said it's all too confusing to him. He said that they're saying that Sean Spicer might get fired. Howard said they're saying that they may replace him with Kimberly Guilfoyle. Howard said she's very attractive. Howard said she'd be great at it. Howard said she's very republican and very pro Trump. Howard said she has no problem with Trump. He said he's seen her getting angry. He said that she's very good at defending Trump. Robin asked about Trump saying he grabs 'em by the pussy. Howard said she could defend that too. Howard said she says that every guy has done it. Howard said she has those big pontoons too. He said she's at least a DDD or a G cup. Howard said Robin isn't the only one with those. Howard said she has huge pontoons.
Robin wondered why she's not practicing law. Howard said he's not sure. Howard said she knows a lot about law from being a lawyer. Howard said she's been around the block. He said she's been married a couple of times. Fred said she's a 32-C from what he read. Howard said that's fake news. Fred said she's only 5'2''. He said that might be why they look so big. Howard said good research Fred. Howard didn't know she was that short. Howard said she's too short for him. He said he would go to bed with her but he'd keep her secret. Howard said he's gone out with girls that short. Fred said he read another report that she's 5'7'' but she's also 48 years old. Robin said she doesn't know what she looks like.
Howard said he was going to say something else about her. He said that she doesn't take shit from anyone. He said that Bill O'Reilly calls her and she's fine with it. Howard did his O'Reilly voice talking to her and asking her to take a shower with him so he could rub her titties with falafel. Howard had Bill asking her to rub her tits on the phone and things like that.
Howard asked why she wouldn't be harassed by Bill O'Reilly. Howard said he just wants to go home. He doesn't want to be there right now. He said he came in because every news reporter was hunting him down. Howard said he needs to take a week off to recuperate. Howard said he's staring at the clock to see how he's going to make it through 3 more hours. Robin said he sounds weak. Howard said he is weak. He said he's allowed to be sick. Howard said the newspapers were saying he hasn't missed a day in the past 32 years but that's not true. He said he's missed days before. He said he hates everyone. Howard said it was a sick day he took off. Robin said he could get everyone sick.
Howard said Bobo makes Sal sound like Einstein. Howard said he believed he flew to London after the show and then got bitten by a werewolf. Howard said he doesn't dispute anything.
Howard said Elephant Boy tweeted out that his father died. Gary said that he claims that Mariann and Jeff had confirmed that for him. Now they're denying it. Howard said that they had it in the news that his father died. Howard said he may not be there tomorrow or Wednesday. He said he is sick. Howard said if he's not there calm the fuck down and know he'll be back. Howard said he's not dying. He said it's such an intrusion in his life. Howard said please don't call his mom anymore. He said it's a huge phone conversation he has to go through.
Howard said he wouldn't have told his mom he was sick. He said it's not something he'd discuss with her. Howard said she's talking to a machine. Howard said he stares at the pone for an hour wondering what to tell her. Howard said he calls her super exuberant. He said his mother tells him she got a call from a reporter asking if he missed a day of work. He confirms that with his mom and she's saying that he's calling there to find out what happened. She tells them that she doesn't know anything about it. Then she asks him what happened. Howard said he tells her he just wasn't feeling well. Howard was doing her voice talking to him about this.
Howard said it's a whole long conversation about this. He said then he got an email from Jim Meyer asking it everything was okay. He said Scott Greenstein asked too. Howard said it was okay, he was just sick. Howard said he almost took the week off. He said he could make it up somewhere else. Howard said he's there sweating with a fever. Howard said he knows guys like Matt Lauer don't get people calling his mother to find out if he's sick. Howard said you'd call his wife. Howard said they don't call Matt's mother to find out when he's out. Howard asked if he's a child. He said they must think he's 13. He said they think he lives with his mother.
Howard said listen to this announcement. Howard said you have this to look forward to if he's there this week. Howard played a promo for Sal's My Cock is Gone 2 year anniversary. Howard said it's the 2 year anniversary of the time Sal lost his cock in a hypnotism accident. Howard said they'll be celebrating that. Howard played another promo for that and then a clip of George Takei doing an announce for the show. He had a phony Arnold Schwarzenegger clip giving a sex tip.
Howard said there's a little comedy for you. Howard spent a little time talking about Arnold and the maid. Howard said that Mildred the Maid comes home in lingerie and there's dust all over with dishes in the sink.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing the part of a reporter asking if he was going to be in tomorrow. They were asking for his mother's mother phone number. Howard said he's not going to give that to him.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she knew it wasn't anything bad. She said everyone went crazy. Howard said he might be lying about having the flu. Mariann said she can hear it in his voice. Howard said lets say he really did have something wrong. He said maybe it's something he wants to keep to himself. Mariann said she gets it and that's why she wasn't tweeting. Howard said people think he planned this so people would talk about it.
Gary said that Mariann was tweeting about him being involved in a lawsuit. Howard said Mariann is as guilty as Elephant Boy. He said she was tweeting about the lawsuit over stock. Howard asked why she would do that. Mariann said she took it down in a split second. Howard said she's Benedict Mariann from Brooklyn. Mariann said that someone tweeted her the night before saying he wasn't going to be on. Howard asked why they're tweeting this stuff. Mariann said she took her's down and Fred the Elephant Boy put up that his father died. Mariann said she made a mistake but she took it down quickly. Howard asked what she's saying. Robin said she decided that it was a business thing and that's better than the other thing. Howard asked why she would do that. Robin said she was speculating. Mariann said she got caught up in it. Howard said she's so annoying. Howard asked how someone is married to her. Robin said she was dazzled by her thinking it was because he was being sued. Howard said there's someone suing him all the time. He doesn't take days off from that.
Howard said Mariann said a lunatic. Howard said she must give the greatest blow job. Howard said he's never met her husband but he has to be getting a BJ that's second to none. Howard said he must cum in 3 seconds. Howard said Mariann is a good looking woman. He said it doesn't match that voice and the constant yapping. Howard said he couldn't even concentrate on what she was saying.
Howard said the film is called Robert Klein Can't Stop His Leg. Howard said it's really good if you can catch it. Howard said Marshall did a great job with it. Howard said that it's kind of sad because Robert is really old now and no one knows who he is.
Robin said he goes to schools telling kids how to be funny. Howard said it was the most depressing thing he's ever seen. Howard said the guy changed comedy. He said he started telling stories and talking about his life and he was amazing. He said now he's an old man walking around his home town and he has to explain why he's got a camera crew following him around. Howard said if that happened to Robert Klein then what the fuck? He said it probably took 3 years of Marshall's life and he probably sold it for nothing. Howard said now after 3 years his documentary finally aired. He said it probably got lower ratings than Sharknado.
Howard said Robert is actually in Sharknado. He said that's so sad. Robin said he's one of the funniest human beings on earth and they should be celebrating him. Howard said Marshall did a really good job with that documentary. Robin said the most touching thing was when he was talking to his son. Howard said he has the same movie credits as Benjy. Howard said Benjy has been in all of them and Robert was only in one.
Howard said he was looking at Benjy's pages from the Sharknado and he was in a scene with Hoda and Kathie Lee. Howard said he plays someone named Howard Biel. Howard said he is a network news man reporting on the Sharknado. Howard said he just wants to go home. Gary told him he should. He said he should do what he wants to do. Howard said he should. He said he's not sure why he's there. Gary said he should leave if he wants to leave. He said he wishes Fred could take over and do the show. Fred said there is only one Howard Stern.
Howard asked Gary how many Sharknado there has been. Gary said it might be 4 or 5. Howard read the scene where he's in a scene with Al Roker, Hoda and Kathie Lee. Howard said Robert Klein is in the same movie. Robin wondered who has more lines.
Howard said Ronnie made Mother's Day sex tips. Howard said he wasn't going to play them because they're so weird. He said they're about fucking your mother. He said he thought it would be about fucking a hot mom in the neighborhood. Howard said Ronnie wants to fuck his mother. He said he knows he jerked off to her. Howard said this is the lowest he's ever done. Howard said this was the most perverted and sickening thing. He said he was listening to them at home on his sick bed. He said he's off his rocker. He said he's really ill. Howard said this all comes out of Ronnie's brain.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie talking about baking some brownies and stick your finger in there and then jerk off into the hole and cover it up so mom bites into it and gets that cum.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who wanted to explain herself. She said that she thought tweeting out what she sent out was in support of him. She said if he wants a Mariann free Summer she'll give it to him. She said she's upset that she cares about the show and has his back. Howard said she feels guilty. Howard said don't take it out on him. Howard said he has her husband on the phone too. Howard picked up and one of the guys in the back was asking him to kill him. He said the blow job are great but that's about it. Mariann said that her mouth his shut when there's a dick in it. Howard said she gives the greatest blow jobs but he has to listen to her. Howard said he's so sorry. Mariann said she has no tonsils and she has no chocking mechanism. She said she might blow her husband 4-5 minutes. She said it's maybe once a week that she does it. Mariann said she has a nice sex life.
Mariann was explaining herself again. Howard asked Mariann if she thinks he really cares. Mariann started to freak out saying that her son had a flat Ronnie made for her. He said he can see why her husband wants to kill himself. Howard said he's being serious now. He asked if she would lick her husband's asshole. Mariann said she doesn't do it but she would. She said she has never done that.
Howard said Mariann must be incredible in bed. Mariann said she never says no. She said she loves having sex though. She said she had her change of life 8 years ago and it's better than ever. She said they don't need condoms ever. Howard said Mariann has hair on her face but they don't have to use a rubber.
Howard asked Mariann if her husband fingers her. Mariann said she doesn't like that. Howard asked her to tell him how it all goes down. Howard asked if she puts on an outfit. Mariann said that when her daughter is out and Howard isn't on she'll do it. She said she goes to town on him when he looks like he needs it. Howard asked if she takes off her clothes. Mariann said she may leave on a t-shirt. She said she's 58 and some parts of her body are a disaster. Howard asked if she gets on her knees and strokes his penis. Mariann said sometimes. She said that she may have her head down there. She said she doesn't like that done to her. She said she's very fair and she doesn't have a lot of hair on her. She said she shaves her legs but they're not that hairy. Howard said they're just trying to figure out how this guy stays married to her.
Howard asked if she does anal. Mariann said no. Howard asked if she has ever tried it. Mariann said no. She said he doesn't want that. Mariann was talking over her fake husband on the phone. Howard asked if Mariann has an orgasm. Mariann said she's very quiet when she does. She said Howard is the one who gets her wild with the voice.
Howard asked if her husband has ever asked her to do something that she won't do. Mariann said maybe. She said that she doesn't use toys. She said that she may have worn outfits when she was younger. Mariann said that he's never tied her up. Howard asked what the point of that would be.
Howard thanked Mariann for the call. Howard let her go after she yelled out that all she needs is Howard in her life. Howard said she's so hard to take.
Howard said he has to eat something. He said he had his breakfast but he has to eat something for his voice.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked why he didn't just tweet out something. Howard said he was sick and he doesn't really tweet. Howard said he was just focused on himself. The caller said she hopes he feels better soon. Howard said he does too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have a lot of staff members there so they were worried about other people like Robin. Howard said Robin is a war horse. He said she never misses a day. The caller said that there were other theories about Beth leaving him over the Name Game thing. Howard said that was another thing going around. Howard said someone noticed she wasn't wearing her wedding ring. Howard said he asked Beth about that and she said she's just keeping it off because she's been cleaning so much cat litter.
Howard said that someone said Jason died and that's why he was out. Howard said if he did die he'd just walk right over him and get to work. Howard said that wouldn't even stop the show. Howard said even if Gary died they wouldn't miss the show. Howard said if Gary dies they're not going to miss a show. Robin said if he dies on a show day they won't. Howard said they might do a tribute show for him.
Howard said that he's not sure who he'd miss the show for other than Robin. Howard said he values Fred but he has to come in to do the show.
Fred asked JD where it's going to be. JD said it'll be in some place with mountains. Howard said New Jersey has mountains. Robin asked why it has to be in the mountains. JD said Robin should get married so they can pick that apart. Howard said JD has no attachment to anything out west. Howard said Gary knows where he's getting married. Howard asked if he told him. JD said he doesn't think he told him but someone told him at the Samantha Bee event. Howard said that was JD's wife. Howard asked if Gary knows where it is. Gary said he does. Howard asked why she told him. Gary said they were sitting there talking and having fun and he asked her where they're getting married and she didn't care so she told him. He said it's JD's to say so he won't tell. He said it's up to JD. JD said he's more private. Howard asked who knew that. Howard played a JD song parody and asked what's going on with him. JD was laughing at him because he had that look in his eye.
Howard asked JD if he's more private than his girlfriend. JD said he would say so. Howard said he heard Ronnie knows where it is too. JD said he might. Howard said Jon Hein knows too. Jon said he does. He said JD told him.
Howard said that he should know too. He asked if there will be a bachelor party. JD said he's sure there will be. He said there's a strip club he loves in Florida so he might go there. He said every girl there has a big ass. He said that's where he's thinking of going. Howard asked if they're going to fly down there. JD said he's not even sure if it'll happen.
Howard asked JD why he's going to go to a strip club. He asked why get married if he's still having those feelings. JD said he can look and stuff.
Howard said Ronnie was out with some guy who looked just like him. Howard said they were out with their girlfriends and they looked like they both had young girlfriends. Ronnie said they were out at a club. Howard asked if all of his friends are old and have young girlfriends. Ronnie said no but this guy works with his girlfriend. He said that Stephanie is friends with his wife. Howard said that guy is like Ronnie's Doppelganger.
Howard said he heard they were all out at Chuck-E-Cheese together. Ronnie said they were at a Trattoria 25. Ronnie said the guy who owns the restaurant is in his 40s and his girlfriend is smoking hot. He said he'd try some of those sex tips on her. Howard asked what's up with those sex tips. He said they're gross. Ronnie said he's not saying that he'd fuck his mother. He said that he went to visit her and it would be very hard in that place.
Howard played another Ronnie sex tip where he talked about cumming on a cake to write a message to your mom. Then he had one about having blood in his cum and using that to draw a heart or something. Howard said Ronnie was talking about having kidney stones so there would be blood in there. Howard said the first one was cumming into a brownie so she gets the center with the cum in it. Howard said only Ronnie can take kidney stones and make that sexual. Howard said that's a weird fantasy.
Howard played another clip of Ronnie giving a sex tip where you spread butter over your ass cheeks and let it melt into your asshole. Then you stick a breakfast sausage into her pussy and then jizz into some champagne. He said you wash it all down with the jizz.
Howard asked Ronnie why he's fantasizing about this stuff. Howard said she's buttering up her asshole in that. Ronnie said it's her Mother's Day breakfast. Howard said he's just trying to make sense of this. Howard asked if Ronnie was turned on by his mom. Ronnie said he wasn't. Howard said he jerked off to them. Ronnie said he didn't see anything. He said he was just fantasizing about what he thought was going on in there. Howard said he was thinking about his parents fucking. He said he jerked off to that. Ronnie said he wasn't jerking off to his mother. He said it was the situation that he jerked off to.
Howard took a call from one of the guys in the back who was doing Ronnie's mother's voice and talking about how she likes her son's smooth cock in her ass. Howard told him not to make him laugh. Howard said he's going to die from laughing. He said that he's fucking killing him. Whoever was doing the voice kept going and did stuff like Ronnie might. Howard said she's on fire. Howard said this is Ronnie's mom and she's all sexed up. Howard said she was into threesomes too. She said she didn't get her cum card this year. She said she loves that because it's so sentimental. She told him to hop right back into her cunt. Howard said he has to go home. He said this is not good for him. Howard said whoever is Mrs. Mund he's giving a raise to.
Howard said that Ronnie was talking about giving her a card with the words written in blood and cum. Mrs. Mund said he's a good son. She said that she went to the strip club with Ronnie and gave him a lap dance. Howard said he's dying. He had to let her go.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that line about punching her clit was the best ever. Howard said that Ronnie had a sex tip about serving a breakfast to his mother. Ronnie said that she can stick the sausage in her pussy. He said he's just going to hand it to her. Ronnie was cracking himself up. Howard played the clip again and goofed on Ronnie about what he was saying about putting the butter in her ass and then putting the sausage in her pussy. Ronnie said it's all about her day. Howard said now he gets it.
Howard asked what Stephanie thinks about this. Ronnie said he's not sure if she's ever heard this. Howard asked JD and Ronnie what they're going to do about the bachelor party. Ronnie said it's just a flight down to Florida and then a hotel room. He said they'll do one there in New York too. Howard asked why get married if they're still into that stuff. Ronnie said JD loves his girlfriend. JD said he hasn't been to a strip club in a long time. Howard said he's just saying maybe think it through. JD said he loves his fiancee and he wants her in his life. He said everything is fine. He said he wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Howard said he's going to have 2 bachelor parties but he had her change in the car at the Samantha Bee event. JD said that's a whole tother thing. He said it's two different things. They played another song parody about JD loving big butts.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's laughing his ass off at this stuff. He said Howard brought his A game after having a week off. Ronnie said that he should play the cock ring sex tips. Howard said he has to take a break at some point. He said he can talk to Eloquent JD too. He said he can get him on the phone now.
Howard picked up and had Eloquent JD and he was speaking clearly and talking about being on with a webcam girl and finding out about etiquette. Howard asked Eloquent JD what his love life is like. Eloquent JD said he's getting married to his lover. Howard said his twitter followers must know. Eloquent JD said he's telling Howard first. Howard said that's nice because JD didn't do that. Howard said his JD isn't inviting him to his wedding. Howard asked Eloquent JD where he's getting married. Eloquent JD said he's doing it in the city where it's easiest for Howard to get to. Howard said that's nice because his JD is making it tough. Eloquent JD said he has a friend who is helping make arrangements. He had Ronald Mund on the line and Ronald was Ronnie just speaking clearly and eloquently like Eloquent JD. Howard said that's Eloquent JD and Eloquent Ronnie. He let them go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked what JD is doing getting married. He said he should only do it if he's not looking around more. He asked what the point is. Howard said he's more excited about the bachelor parties than he is about the wedding. Howard said he just read that JD just started following a hot porn star. JD said he's allowed to look. Ralph said if he was really happy and satisfied he wouldn't be looking around. JD told him to leave him alone. JD said Ronnie follows hot chicks all the time. JD was freaking out and stumbling over words and screaming at Ralph.
Howard said that JD found a normal woman and now he's marrying her. He said that this is something they never thought would happen. Howard said it's a man's world. JD asked where Ralph's girlfriend is at. Howard had already hung up on Ralph.
Howard said he'd be less shocked if Richard Simmons found a girl. Ronnie said he wasn't shocked by it. He said JD has had other girls. Howard said he really has to take a break. He had JD do the live commercial read for him. JD almost made it through it. He screwed up and said ''Oh shit...'' Howard said JD is the worst. Howard asked if Fred can believe this. Fred thought he was doing a good job. Howard had JD continue. He finished up after Fred did his impression of him reading it. Howard took a call from the president of the company he was doing the commercial for and he was screaming and asking what the fuck that was. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he wants to mention that today is Wendy the Slow Adult's actual birthday. Howard had her on the phone. He wished her a happy birthday. Wendy said she's cookie monster and she wants to eat JD. Howard said today is her birthday and she's turning 37. Howard said she recently left him a nasty voicemail about wanting to renegotiate her contract. Howard said she doesn't have one. Wendy said that her fans told her that she did and she should get paid more than they normally give her. Howard said he gives that to her out of the goodness of his heart. Howard asked if anyone else gives her money. Wendy said his mom does when she has it. Howard said he's just a radio guy and he's good to her. Wendy said her fans say he should give her more. Howard said they're just egging her on. Howard said they're jealous. Wendy said she didn't know that.
Howard asked if she heard Ronnie's sex tips. Wendy said she didn't. Howard said Wendy recently asked Jason for $1000 to buy some stuff at a flea market. Howard said she also asked about getting $500 to buy stuff for some kids. Wendy said they're her sister's kids. She said her sister helps her out sometimes. Howard said Wendy was going to adopt a dog but the dog ''died'' so now the family said she can't adopt a dog.
Howard asked Wendy what happened. Wendy said she was the third person on hold to get the dog and they called and told her that it died the next morning. Wendy said that it died in surgery. Howard said they told her that the dog died and she won't be getting it. Howard said he went ''Thank god'' for that. Howard said Wendy can't take care of a dog. Wendy said she can. She said she takes care of her cats. She said she saw a kid chasing her cat on a dirt bike. She went out to curse the kid out. Howard said he thinks that the family may save the cats by telling her that people are stealing them. Wendy said they do steal them. She said she takes some in and plays with them. She said that they have her dog on the phone. Howard picked up and the guys were playing a dog barking clip. Howard asked the dog questions and it was answering with one bark for yes and two for no. Howard asked the dog if it was upset it won't get to live with Wendy and it barked twice. Howard asked about the dog eating Wendy's doody and getting sick from that. Howard let the dog go a short time later.
Howard asked Wendy if she thinks it's a mistake for JD to get married. Wendy said it is. Howard said he's into fantasy and he's going to ruin that. Wendy said that he has to find the right girl. JD said he has the right girl. He said he loves his fiancee and he has the right girl. Wendy said she has a lot of retarded guys at the bowling alley who fight over her. She said that she's waiting for the right one. Howard asked how many there are. Wendy said there's about 8 of them. Howard said that they're all after her. Wendy said yes. Howard said she's like Pam Anderson for retarded guys. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she uses bumpers in the bowling alley. Wendy said sometimes she does but she's been teaching people how to bowl. She said she can get an 89 or 99 when she bowls. Howard asked if they nicknamed her Angelina Slowlie. Wendy said yes.
Howard asked if Wendy wears a diaper to the bowling alley. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if it drives the men crazy. Wendy said yes. She said they know she went in her diaper if she doesn't go to the bathroom. Howard asked if she wears short shorts to the bowling alley. Wendy said she does. She said sometimes the diaper bottom hangs out.
Ronnie asked if the shit ever falls out of the diaper when she's bowling. Wendy said yes. Howard asked Wendy if guys try to kiss her. Wendy said they do. Howard asked if she thinks of it as sexual harassment. Wendy said no. Howard asked if she licks her bowling ball for good luck. Wendy said yes.
Howard said what Wendy is saying is that she has 8 guys after her and she has not gotten married. Howard asked Wendy if she has ever shit in the ball return. Wendy said yes to everything Howard was asking about.
Howard asked Wendy if she has ever kissed a guy at the bowling alley. SHE said she has. She said it was a tongue kiss. Howard asked if she has ever rubbed a bowling pin on her ass. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she's ever put one up her ass. Wendy said yes.
Howard asked if Wendy wears bowling shoes. Wendy said she wears her own shoes that Jimble Kimble got her. Howard asked if she has a full diaper and the doody runs down her leg, does it get in her shoes. Wendy said yes. She also said she cleans it out. Howard asked if the shoes have an odor that's horrific. Wendy said yes. Howard said she bowls with a handicap. She has shit in her shoes and it's slippery.
Howard said in honor of her birthday what does she think he's going to tell her. Wendy said she thinks he's going to let her have fun. Howard said he's going to let her have fun because she's going to have some money. Howard said she's such a good sport. Howard said you know the money is going to lottery tickets which is complete nonsense.
Howard said they're going to give her $500 cash and a $250 gift card to Untuckit. Robin asked why they would do that. Howard said he thinks she can use the gift card. Howard said happy birthday to her again. Wendy said her nephew wants to say hi before he goes to school. Wendy put him on the phone. The guy had a deep voice. He's 14. Howard asked if she's a good aunt. The kid said yes. Howard asked what grade he's in. He said 7th. Howard said he has a deep voice for 7th grade. Howard said he sounds like a man. Howard asked if Wendy ever takes care of him. He said yes. Howard asked how that went. The kid laughed. Howard said ''Exactly.'' Howard said Wendy can be fun. He asked if she would play with her. He said ''yeah.'' He said she played Peek-a-boo with him.
Howard asked if Wendy had to discipline him. The kid said he doesn't think so. He said she was kind of loose about everything. Howard said it seems kind of irresponsible of them to leave him with Wendy. He said sometimes it does. Howard asked if he had to change her diaper at all. He said no.
Robin said he must have gotten away with a lot with Wendy. Howard asked what he would do. The kid said that he would hide in the pantry. Howard said maybe he can use that Untuckit gift card. Howard asked what his first name is. He said it's Alex. Howard said it's nice to meet him. He said he loves his Aunt Wendy. Alex said she is a special one. Howard said that's the right word. Howard asked if Alex is going to school. Alex said he is. Howard said he should be in school right now. Alex said he's late. Howard asked if that's because of Aunt Wendy. Alex said he slept in. He said she was supposed to wake him up.
Howard asked if Alex knows about the dog thing. Alex said it actually died in surgery. He said it fell asleep and wouldn't wake up. Howard said he doesn't want her to have a dog. Howard said she had cats that ran off. Howard said they leave because they can't take it. Howard asked Alex to take care of that for him. He said those poor animals don't need that. Howard asked Alex to not do drugs and take care of Wendy. He said you tell Wendy that a stuffed animal is her dog. Howard said then you bark. Howard let him go a short time later. Wendy got back on and Howard spent a minute more with her. He found out that Alex calls her the Queen of the Special People as well as Aunt Wendy.
Howard had JD do a live commercial read before going to break again.
Howard came back and said this guy is good. He figured he'd give himself a break and play a song. Howard let the song play and said he doesn't like rap but he likes this. He said he doesn't care about rap. Robin said he likes some rap songs. Howard said he doesn't like anything when he's sick. He said he doesn't like any music.
Howard said he was trying to draw and play chess and he didn't like that. He said everything was making him nauseous. He said he should be home now. He said he likes to be 100 percent for the audience.
Howard said JD picked up on Ryan Seacrest doing his lists on the Kelly Ripa show. Howard said that he stopped for one day but got back to them on Wednesday when they were out. Howard said he loves Robin but he's not going to hold her hand when they do a show. Howard said if they were two girls or two guys they wouldn't be holding hands. Robin said it's like saying that she wasn't attached to anyone but Ryan on the show. Howard said it would look really weird if she held Michael Strahan's hand. Howard said he's so tall and she's so short. Howard said he knows she's really into her husband. Robin said she doesn't like ''Kelly and Ryan.'' It doesn't sound good to her.
Howard said if he was working with Kelly Ripa he'd come on and talk about stuff like Regis did. Howard said you just talk about what you did the night before. Howard said Ryan has no life though. He has 50 jobs. Robin said he's busy traveling from one job to the next.
Howard played a clip of Ryan Seacrest talking about the most common spouse related searches on Google. Howard asked if the women in the audience really care. Robin said she doesn't think so. She said she's not sure what he's even talking about. Howard played more of the clip and Ryan was reading the list. Howard said he thinks this is a good pairing. Robin said he should change his name to something that goes along with Kelly better.
Howard said he should have a list of 10 people who can do a better job with Kelly. Howard came up with some more lists for Ryan to do on the show. He had Ryan talking about how he did a search for ''Why are Jews...'' and coming up with the rest of the search terms that pop up. Howard said that he is very interested in doing couples things. Howard had Ryan reading more of the ''Why is my boyfriend...'' list reads.
Howard said he thinks that Kelly is just going along with it and doesn't seem to care about his list. Howard wondered if they do a show rundown first to go over what they're going to do. He said Gellman must come out and tell Kelly what list Ryan is going to read. Howard said Kelly rolls her eyes when she hears about it.
Robin said they can't do a list that's offensive. Howard said maybe they're missing the boat on the list thing.
Howard said this is mom and son porn off of some site. Howard asked Sal where they got it. JD said he pulled it and it came off of PornHub. Howard said that these are supposed to be mothers and sons and not even step sons. Howard said that creeped him out. Howard said he had a friend whose mother would walk around in a negligee and she looked like a beach ball.
Howard said this porn he was watching while he was sick made him wonder if he could jerk off to it. Howard said he couldn't. He said that this was mothers and sons and the son is jerking off in this one. He said she tells the guy it's not so bad. Howard said this is so disturbing. Howard said the kid looks 50 and he's jerking off with his mother's panties. He said she tells him to stop and shows him how to jerk off. Howard played the clip and the mother asks him what he's hiding. He was jerking off with her panties. She said they went over this in parenting class. Howard said no they didn't. Howard said then she starts jerking him off. Howard played more of the clip.
Howard said the mother wasn't so good looking either. He said then she starts jerking off her son and that's stepping over the line. Howard said his dad didn't even teach him how to throw a baseball. He said this guy's mom is teaching him how to jerk off. Howard said the guy has a cock the size of the Empire State Building too.
Howard played more of the mom/son clip and Howard goofed on what they were talking about in the clip. Howard said that the mom lets the son play with her breasts. He played more of that and the guy was jerking off while he was doing that.
Howard took a call from Ronnie's Mom again. She said she has no problem with his kind of porn. She said she and Ronnie would tape that stuff too. She said that Ronnie came on her tits. She said that they used to record it while listening to Al Jolsen.
Howard said Lenny Dykstra recorded a new message for Robin. He played that and Lenny said he's a real mama's boy. He had his mom there telling Robin to let Lenny eat her pussy.
Howard said he has a nice conclusion to the mother's day theme. Howard said this is step mom porn calling a religious show. Howard played the phony phone call the guys made to a show using porn clips. They had the porn clips telling the guy to pull down his pants so she can see how big his penis is and things like that. The host of the show kept them on and said in hell they'll be doing crazy things to her.
Howard said that's a great call because you know no one calls the show. He said that if your mom is like that you're not going to call a religious show. Howard said he can't wait until Father's day when they call that show back. Howard said the world has gone nuts. Howard said he's sure the two listeners of that show were appalled.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they need JD to read the commercials all the time. Howard said he has to do another break anyway so he had JD come back in to read one. JD read the live commercial and Howard said that JD is getting better at it. JD said he reads okay. He continued to read the live commercial. Howard asked if he could explain Blue Apron on his own. JD said he's just reading. Howard asked if he knows what he's reading. JD said he's just focusing on reading and getting it out. Howard asked JD what Blue Apron is. JD just kept reading. Howard and Fred were goofing on him. JD kept going though. Howard said he reads like every word is a surprise. They eventually went to break.
Howard came back and said that the second anniversary is coming up. Howard said he's struggling this morning for his fans. Robin said he made it quite some time. Howard said he should have left a long time ago. Howard said he's rubbing his eyes right now. He said tomorrow he'll have pink eye. He said JD's live reads are keeping him afloat.
Howard said they got a lot of email about Richard and his dad. Howard said the fans love that. They loved when they slowed down their conversation. Robin said speeding them up was still slow. Howard played some audio of Richard and his dad talking that they had doubled the speed of. Howard said that's twice the speed. Howard said then they slowed them down and they sounded real Hill Billy. Howard played that clip too.
Howard said that sounds like that guy Goober on Andy of Mayberry. Howard said he liked that cap he wore too. He said you'd think he'd wear a derby to make him look smarter. Howard said he wore an idiot cap. He said that guy had to wear that thing the rest of his life. He said he was stuck with it his whole life. Howard said it makes you wonder if he was a real moron or was he just playing a moron. Howard said maybe he was a fantastic character actor. Robin said Gilligan had to wear that dumb cap he had too. Howard said Paul Giamatti is one of the greatest actors ever. He said he wore a school ring to get himself into the character of Pig Vomit. He said they should get one of those caps for Sal to wear. He said he was listening to a conversation between Brent and Sal. He said Brent thinks that Trump's demise is coming soon and Sal thinks nothing is wrong. Howard said he has to put a Goober cap on Sal. He said Brent is the opposite of Sal when it comes to Trump. He said he thinks they're going to get him out of there. Howard said Brent also thought Hillary was going to win in 40 states though so keep that in mind.
Howard said Richard's dad called him the other night. He said an owl screamed at one of their dogs. Howard played the clip and Richard's dad talked about the dog running off and he heard a scream. He thought it was Boomer the dog. He said it turned out to be the barn owl that was screaming. He said he was as big as Boomer. He said it was weird.
Howard said he's not sure why they don't just eat the owl. He said his dad will eat road kill. Robin said she's never heard of eating owl though. Howard said it's like Hill Billy TMZ. He said he likes that they communicate like that.
Howard said Richard's dad saved a bullfrog and he's not sure why because he likes to eat frog. Richard said it may have been smaller and he's waiting for it to grow up. Either that or it's not the right season for it. Howard played a clip of Richard's dad talking about finding this bullfrog and it wasn't jumping. He said he picked him up and put him in a pond. He said it was cold out and he hopes he makes it. He said he saved him so maybe later on he can get him.
Robin said that doesn't make sense at all. Howard said if a frog is sitting there comatose it might be ill. Howard said he'd look at it and think that it's sick. Richard said when it's cold you can catch a lot of things. He said he'd catch them and keep them as pets.
Howard asked if his dad worries about it being a sick animal. Richard said not really. He said he thinks owls are protected so you can't eat those. Howard asked who is watching the farm that would get him in trouble for eating an owl. Richard said they're friendly with a game warden. Howard did his impression of Richard's dad talking about eating all of that stuff.
Richard said his wife was cleaning out their drawers the other day and she found a racoon dick that his dad had sent. Howard kept going as Richard's dad talking about the crazy stuff they eat.
Howard asked if anyone had checked out this Steve Harvey letter. Robin didn't know what it was. Howard said he was following this over the weekend. Howard said he doesn't want to be there past 11 this morning though. Fred said they should do one live read. Howard had JD come back in to read it for him. Richard and Sal came in to dance nude for him while he read the commercial. JD told them to get out. Howard said that's enough and had Richard put away his dick. Howard had JD finish the commercial read. JD had some trouble reading so Howard gave him some suggestions. They went to break after that.
Howard asked why she can't have another hit song. He said this was such a great song. He said she didn't write it though. Howard said they're finally down to the final hour of this gabfest. He said the Steve Harvey thing is weird. He said that he has been in show business for a long time. He said he wrote a letter to his staff telling everyone not to look him in the eye and don't come in his dressing room. He said if you feel that way you don't do it yourself. Robin asked what harm comes to him when they do.
Howard read the Steve Harvey letter where he welcomes his staff back. Then he gives a list of rules for season 5 of his talk show. Howard said he thinks he's like Ryan Seacrest who has to have every job. Howard said you look at Steve Harvey and wonder how he's successful. Howard said he hosts Family Feud on ABC and Little Big Shots. Howard said he's on a mad tear to get into an early grave.
Howard read the rules that Steve Harvey has in his list. He said there are no meetings in his dressing room and no one is to come in unless invited. If they do come in they will be removed. Howard said these are the people trying to make him successful. Howard said they will be blocked.
Howard read more of the letter and said that he's not to be approached in the make up chair unless he asks you to. Steve asked people not to bother him in the hallways. He said don't attempt to speak to him in the hall. He also told them not to take offense to that. Howard asked if he's that talented that they have to follow that. Howard said he'd be thrilled not to talk to him. He said he said hello to him at America's Got Talent once and that was it. Robin said she thinks they had him on the show once. Gary said he doesn't think so. Howard said he thinks that guy is near a nervous breakdown. Robin said he's working so much he's never at home and now people can't look at him.
Howard told Gary to take a note and started it off with ''Dear Shitheads... welcome back to work.'' Howard said he wishes he had a season so he could go rest up. Howard said the guy is a douche bag. Howard said he wishes he could control who talks to him but you can't. He said you just have your Executive Producer handle that stuff. He said you don't write a letter. He said this guy isn't setting the entertainment world on fire.
Howard said he threw the letter out but he has to read it again. He found the part where Steve talked about people opening his door and how they can expect to be removed. Howard said you have to think about where you are in life when you write something like that. He said he's so overworked that his personal life is taking place in the halls.
Howard said David Letterman had a guy to take care of that stuff instead of writing a letter about it. Howard said it's crazy. He said he has just the opposite. He said he wants people to talk to him in the hall and they won't. He said he goes in and talks to people since they're afraid of him. He did that with Richard and then Richard would keep talking even as he was going to his office. Howard said he asks JD how he's doing and he just grunts at him. Howard said Memet never talks to him because he's terrified of him. He said Memet cowers in the corner while he's talking to Richard and Sal. He said he may have to put out a memo saying they have to talk to him or he'll fire them.
Howard took a call from a guy who had wind chimes in the background. Howard said they're the most annoying thing. Howard said that he loves to sit outside and hear nature. He said that some people have to have wind chimes. Howard said if you live near water you hear the ocean. Robin said she's one of those people who loves wind chimes. Robin said she put one in her back yard and she calls it nature's music. Robin said that she got one as a gift on the show once but she had that thrown away because she didn't know she'd like it.
Howard told the caller to stay out by the wind chimes. He said WYSP used to have wind chimes on when the DJs would talk. Howard said their ratings had to drop from that.
The caller asked if that woman known as the night bird had wind chimes. Howard said she had some stuff like that. He did an impression of her as Fred played some stuff in the background.
Howard said wind is fine on its own. He said if he came to Robin's house he'd rip them right down. Robin said one is in the back yard. Robin said she has a couple in her sun porch. Howard laughed when she said they're in her sun porch. Howard said he had a guy convince him to put a trickling water thing in their porch. Howard said it's the most annoying fucking thing. He said he put cement over it.
Howard asked Robin how many she has. Robin said she has 6. Howard said she's cuckoo. Robin said she once recorded it when the wind was blowing. Howard said he wants to hear that on tomorrow's show. Howard said he wants to find ways to annoy himself. Howard asked if you hear them all at once. Robin said the big one takes big wind to get it going. Fred played a bell sound. Howard asked if Fred has any. Fred said he does not.
Howard asked the caller what happened to his. The caller, Joe, said the wind wasn't blowing. He had to make them ring on his own. Howard let Joe go after that. Howard said he'd rather hear Gary talking about Vinyl than that.
Robin read about a mother dying when she was hit by a car while walking with her daughter. Robin said the mother pushed her daughter out of the way and saved her life. Howard said that's something. Howard said that's why his kids never go on a walk with him. He said they're not that brave. He said they'd have to move him out of the way.
Robin read a story about a man who died when a tree branch landed on him during a party in his backyard on Mother's Day.
Robin read about how Kendall Jenner is dating a new guy and he's black and a rapper. Howard said those girls love black guys. Robin asked where they hang out that there are black guys around them all the time. Howard said they must have gotten word that those girls are into black guys. Howard said if he was a black rap guy he'd go to their house and knock on their door. Howard said Khloe is dating a witch doctor. He said he's in a tribe in Africa. Howard said now the girls are competing to find out who they can fuck. Howard said the guy that Khloe is dating speaks in clicks. He said Caitlyn is trying to get Shaq's number. Howard had JD come in to read a live commercial after that. Howard had to take over in the middle of it. He had to get it over with. He had JD read a second one. Howard wondered if anyone cares what JD's girlfriend does for a living. JD said he doesn't need any help. Robin had mentioned something about her during the commercials and Howard had to dump out of it. JD said that there was a girl who he dated before and people found out where she worked and people called where she worked. JD said people like to fuck with him.
Robin read a story about a boxer who was in a match over the weekend and he got the full Vegas treatment. Robin said he lost the match but went out partying with his wife and a couple they met. Robin said the wife got tired and went to their hotel room. Robin said a few hours later she went to the hotel room and her husband was out and his phone and $40,000 watch were gone. Then the couple sent them a video of the woman twerking in front of the husband. Robin said the video is all over the internet. Robin said the wife thinks they planned on robbing them all along.
Robin read a story about a button campaign in New York where you can get a button that says ''Please give me your seat'' if you're pregnant and you want a seat on mass transit. Howard said he still can't believe Robin has six wind chimes. He doesn't like that. Robin just laughed.
Robin read a story about a man walking into an Oregon store covered in blood and carrying a human head. Robin said he started stabbing someone. Howard said that guy wouldn't get within a hundred yards of him if he was carrying a head. Robin said the suspect was held down by employees until the cops showed up. Robin said the stabbed person was flown to a hospital. Robin said the human head came from another incident about 9 miles away.
Howard asked Robin if it's possible that Robin will get more wind chimes or is 6 the max. Robin said that's the max. Robin said she had to investigate the type of chimes she likes. Howard asked if she would get an app for her phone with chimes. Robin said she has that. Robin said she has this app for a ritual she does where she has to hit a gong as well. Howard said he has to get over to her house. Howard asked more about the wind chimes and what she's spent on them. Robin said the one in her back yard that was a gift was probably very expensive. Robin said she doesn't know the cost though. Howard took a call from a guy who said he lives next to Robin's house and he was screaming out of his mind from the noise.
Howard said he hates that people have that stuff. He said you don't live alone in the world and you have to think about the people around you. He said he's had people in his apartment who make noise. He said he doesn't have that problem now but he has in the past. Howard said when he plays music he keeps it at a respectable level. He said he has had people play it too loud and he thinks they're asshole cunts. Robin said she ended a party at 6 once to keep her neighbors happy. Howard said he wishes she had ended it at 3. He said he was stuck on her boat with the wind in his face. Howard said people are so disrespectful. Robin said her wind chimes aren't bothering anyone. Howard said he hates it when people abuse things. He said people are so fucking selfish. Robin said she's sure that her wind chimes aren't bothering anyone.
Robin read a story about a man who killed his transgender wife after he found out that she had male sex organs. Robin said authorities say he knew about the transgender thing for a long time and he feared that gang members would come after him if they found out.
Howard said people are no longer naming their daughter's Caitlyn. He said it's over. Robin said that's ridiculous. Robin said that's the craziest thing she's ever heard. Howard said it's ruined evidently.
Robin asked Howard if he would know what to do if his child had a mental illness. Howard said you'd think you'd know and do something about it. Robin said that many mental health disorders can go unnoticed for years. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about Derek Jeter being honored on Mother's Day at Yankee Stadium. Robin had some audio of him speaking at the event.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked Howard to tell JD to say the word ''the'' as ''the'' and not as ''da.'' Howard thanked her for the call. He had JD come in to read another live commercial. JD read it and made sure to pronounce ''the'' the right way. He had him read a second one about sheets and spent a little time goofing on JD about washing his sheets. Howard took a couple of calls from the guys in the back who were goofing on him too.
Robin read a story about how American Idol may be coming back and Katy Perry might be a judge. Robin had some of her music for Howard to play. Robin said she guest judged on the British version of the X-Factor. Howard said he had a bunch of TV show offers last week that he turned down. He said he can't work constantly like that.
Robin read a story about Melissa McCarthy hosting Saturday Night Live this past weekend. Robin had some audio of her playing Sean Spicer.
Robin read a story about the big news over the weekend was that former FBI director James Comey was fired by Donald Trump. Robin said James Clapper is saying that our democracy is under attack. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said tomorrow he'll get Brent and Sal in there to debate that. Robin had more news about the firing and who Trump might appoint to that position.
Robin read a story about a new Prince song that's out. Robin had a clip. Howard played the song and said poor Prince didn't want that released and now his family is releasing it.
Robin said that Guardians of the Galaxy was number 1 at the box office again.
Robin read a story about actor Powers Boothe dying at the age of 68. Robin told Howard about some of the movies and TV shows he was in over the years.
Robin said that Miss USA was crowned over the weekend. Robin said she'll have some clips to play tomorrow. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about the death of a friend of his. It's Brad Grey. He said he was the head of Paramount studios for a while. He was he was the head of Brillstein Grey too. Howard said he met him maybe over 20 years ago. He said he was a guest on The Larry Sanders show. He said that's where ''Hey Now'' comes from. Howard said he used to get called to do sitcoms and he'd turn them down. He said he didn't want to play Howard Stern since he was doing that every day. He said he loved Garry Shandling's show and when Garry called he was promoting Private Parts so they worked it into the show. Howard said he immediately said yes. Howard said the idea of being a small part of that show was amazing. He said that would be a great moment in his history. He said that was beyond a sitcom. He said it was a brilliant show. Robin thought it was an improv show but Howard said it was actually very scripted. He said he tried to do some stuff on his own and they made him stick with the script.
Howard said he remembers not being given much direction on that show. He said that he didn't think he was very good on it. He said Garry was taking acting lessons and he'd tell him he was going to eat yogurt and he'd wonder what the reason was for eating it. Howard said he was supposed to do the Tonight Show with Jay Leno that night too. He said he told Garry to just eat it or don't. He said he had to get out of there at some point. Howard said how about you're just hungry. He said they said no and he didn't know because he doesn't go to acting class. Howard said it's true because no one just eats plain yogurt. He said it was like Garry was trying to figure out why he was eating it. He didn't know what to eat it with either.
Howard said he thought that was bullshit. He said Garry was brilliant. He said he came to the set and everyone was very excited he was there. He said that makes you feel good. He said it's possible that you won't be loose enough but that helps. Howard said he went to Garry's trailer and he was sitting there and this little man Brad Grey was in there. He said he was Garry's manager and the Executive Producer of the show. He said that led to Garry suing Brad over that. Howard said that they were so tight that day but then it fell apart.
Howard said Brad just died the other day at the age of 59. Howard said he had cancer for years and he didn't tell anyone about it. Howard said he was a thoughtful guy. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel had a conversation with Brad after he introduced them. Howard said Jimmy had him over when he came out there once. He said Jimmy became friendly with Brad and he was closer than he was. Howard said he got angry about that because he should have been out there. Howard said no one knew Brad was sick but Jimmy saw him somewhere the other day and Brad told him at that point. He said Jimmy asked if Howard knew and Brad said no. He said they must not tell Howard because he'll think he has cancer. Howard said when someone else is sick he thinks he's sick too. Howard said that was a great story.
Howard said he'd get together with Brad when he'd come to New York. He said his wife was Cassandra. He said he has 3 older kids and one young kid. Howard said Brad had the Ralph Kramden bus outfit. Howard said he was sitting in his study and his wife was talking about having a baby. He said he was running Paramount at the time. Howard said they sat and talked about it philosophically. He said his wife would be unhappy the rest of her life. He said Brad said if they didn't have a child he'd have his free time and he was showing him that it's a no win situation so you might as well have a kid. Howard said Brad just died and the kid is only 18 months old. Howard said he was excited to begin again and have more time with the child. Howard said he was busy running his empire early in his life and he was going to have time with this one. Howard said he feels bad for his wife and the young child.
Howard said Brad had him over once and he had Don Rickles and his wife and Harrison Ford and his wife. He said Jack Nicholson was there with some girl they hooked him up with. Howard said Brad and his wife were there. He said he sat next to Johnny Knoxville and his wife and Jimmy and Molly. He said they had a great night filled with laughs. Howard said he's sitting there thinking about that night and he's shocked that Brad is gone as well as Don Rickles. Howard said Brad had an incredible career.
Howard said he was on Letterman once and he asked if he had any famous friends. Howard said he mentioned Brad Grey and Dave said that guy is a weasel. Robin said she remembers that. Howard said Dave went off on Brad Grey saying he's another corporate guy and a weasel. Howard said he asked if he knew him and Dave said no but he knows what those guys are like. Howard said after he got home Dave called him ate home and he said he doesn't know why he just did that. Howard said he doesn't even know the guy. Howard said he told him Brad is a great guy. Howard said he was trying to be funny. The next day he got a call from Brad Grey. He said Brad said he watched Letterman that night to see him on the show. He said he heard Letterman calling him a weasel. He said he was completely confused about it. He said it was baffling to him. Howard said Brad didn't do anything wrong. Howard said he thinks Brad was tickled that someone was actually talking about him though.
Howard said that job he had working for Paramount had to be horrible. He said they put out maybe 13 movies a year and Brad is the final say over what movie gets made. He asked who the fuck in their right mind could think they could read all of these scripts and figure out which ones to make. Howard said you pray to god that it pays off. He said Brad put the Star Trek, Transformers and Mission Impossible franchises together. Howard said it's like being a Program Director in radio. He said if the movie fails then it's your fault. Howard said he can't read scripts. He said he reads some stuff and thinks it's horrible but then the movie goes on to make a ton of money. He said he'd never make those Fast and Furious movies but they make a ton of money. Howard said Vin Diesel is in them. He said he runs around in a car and they're car thieves. Robin said they have hearts of gold. Howard said Brad relished that whole thing picking movies.
Howard said Harvey Weinstein was a concert promoter and Brad started with him. He said Bob Saget was Brad's first client. He said later on he had Brad Pitt, Adam Sandler, Garry Shandling and guys like that. Howard said then brad became a producer. Howard said he did the Garry Shandling Show and the Larry Sanders show. He also produced The Sopranos and Real Time with Bill Maher. He said he started a production company with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. He said then he went to Paramount. Howard said he was already successful when he took that.
Howard said Brad was a huge success and a real nice guy. Howard said he was a good guy. He said there it is. Robin asked what kind of cancer it was. Howard said he knows but he doesn't know if the family wants it to be out there.
Howard said he has to get Trump on the phone. Howard had fake Trump on the line so he spent a few minutes with the pre-recorded and scripted bit. They had Trump getting cheers from his supporters about getting rid of Obamacare and about building the wall. They had Trump beating off at a rally he was at too.
Howard said it sounds like he's having a hard time finishing his beating off. The guys played clips of Trump saying ''yes'' and making the beating off sound. Howard told him Robin is wearing panties and bra. He said he's just trying to help him finish. Howard let Trump clips go after that.
Howard said Chris Robinson was touring with Jimmy Page and they were doing Black Crows and Zeppelin music. Howard said it was fucking amazing. Howard said he could see Chris' cock and balls jiggling around in his pants. He said he must not have been wearing underwear. Howard said he has moves like Stephen Hawking himself. He can't dance like Chris. He said Chris looked like a young Robert Plant. Howard played some ''Lemon Song'' and said he loves that song. He said he would sit around listening to that pretending he had a girlfriend. Howard said that this is Chris Robinson singing. He said this is the kind of band he wants to be in. Robin said she watched that documentary ''It Might Get Loud'' and it was great. Howard said he feels like he's back in high school. He was yelling to his mom that he's in his room listening to his music. Howard had her on the phone asking him what he's doing.
Howard said he wishes he could get Chris and his brother talking. He said he'd like to get them back together. He said Chris will be there later.
Howard was talking about his mother and keeping his room locked. Howard said she'd hit him with a hanger because his room was messy. He said he was high constantly because of that. He said he had no money but he'd get this weed from a friend's brother who was a weed dealer. He said he was a fat and smelly kid. He said he would be nude wearing a Sombrero. Howard said he'd walk in and buy $5 worth. He said that they were Orthodox Jews so he wasn't able to buy on a Friday night. Howard said Chris will be there later. He said he was about to yell at someone to turn the music off but he was the one playing it. Howard did a live commercial read after that. He went to break a short time later.
Howard read some email about Ronnie's mom and about JD's commercial reads. Howard said he'd have JD read all of the live commercials if he could. He said he'd like to get out of that. Howard said some people want JD to read them all the time. Howard said people liked Eloquent JD and Ronald Mund.
Howard said he was so sick yesterday but people liked the Wendy the Slow Adult birthday and Steve From Florida being pranked by Gary. Howard read some email about that. Robin said that was the dumbest thing Steve has ever done. She asked if he can look his kids in the eye after that. Howard said Steve fell for that being bitten by a werewolf in London thing. He said that he didn't even ask why he was in London.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had to pull over and laugh after that ''Ass chreeks'' line. Howard played that again. Howard said he's talking about his mom in that clip. Howard laughed but said he doesn't even want to laugh. Howard did his Ronnie impression giving some more sex tips.
Howard said he has to play the sex tip where his mom is the breakfast. Howard said he shouldn't go over that again. Fred and Robin thought he should. Howard found the clip and played it. That's the one where Ronnie talks about spreading butter all over the mothers ass ''chreeks'' and let it slip into the crack of her asshole. Howard said he also loses the end of the word ''asshole.'' Howard said he'd like to do an evening of Ronnie Mund so someone has to do a transcript of this. Howard replayed it and Ronnie talks about shoving a sausage in her pussy and jizzing in some champagne. Howard said the creepiest part is that he calls her ''Mommy.''
Howard said that Gary got praise for pranking Bobo. He said that Mariann from Brooklyn got some negative email. He said people are thinking a Mariann free summer would be good. Howard read a few of those emails.
Howard said they make phony phone calls to this angry political guy. He said this time they tried to make friends with him but he ended up arguing anyway. Howard said this is the Angry Political Guy phony phone call. In the clip the guy took a call and asked what the fuck they want. They had one of the guys doing his impression of the Angry guy and trying to make friends with him. They sang together and agreed on Hillary and other things. They had their angry impersonator break down crying asking if they can hang out sometime. Angry Political Guy said no and said he has to go. Then they had their guy asking who has the bigger pecker. Angry Political Guy asked what's wrong with him. He hung up on them.
Howard played a song parody about the Angry Political Guy. After that they played a bit about Howard talking about how he goes to the bathroom in a TED talk. They played a guy speaking in tongues before Howard did a live commercial read. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and added a bit to that song Fred had playing. Howard said Robin should get into it too. Fred played some clips of Robin singing too. Howard said he's going to let Robin riff here. Fred played a few clips of Robin adding to the song.
Howard said this is a recording session they're hearing now. Howard said Robin has to make it hers. Fred kept playing clips of Robin making different sounds. Howard was producing with Fred. Howard said he'd like Tommy Mottola to Robin. Robin laughed. Howard said just do what comes into her mind and do it naturally. Fred kept the clips coming. He had Robin singing ''Cocaine'' and others.
Howard said that's enough of that. He said that could go on forever. Robin said she wondered what he did with her voice after all of that stuff she did.
Howard said he loves Bill O'Reilly. He said that he was on the Glenn Beck show. He said they're both down to doing podcasts. He said that Glenn Beck got kicked off FOX too. Howard said imagine you're too crazy to be on FOX News. Howard said Glenn had Bill on his show and he got fucked by FOX News too so they can relate.
Howard said that Billy Bush got himself into trouble and now he has a paper route. Howard said Bill O'Reilly shouldn't even leave the house. Howard said he'd just stay home and within a 2 mile radius of the house. Howard said he'd get a ninja outfit and cover up like a leper.
Howard said he saw Geraldo the other day and you can't figure out where he's at with Bill. He said he has no compass so you can imagine him being on either side of the O'Reilly thing. Howard said he might stick by his friends or maybe he'd defend women and not be his friend. Robin said Geraldo may feel sorry for Bill if he can't get women.
Howard did an impression of Bill talking about showering with a woman. He was talking about sneaking into a shower but Howard pointed out he's 6'7'' so there's no sneaking. Howard said Bill talked about gently grabbing a woman's breasts and rubbing her with a falafel. Howard said the Spokane Spanker has more of a sex life than Bill does.
Howard said he ran into Bill a few years ago and he was making fun of him for going to Nobu like he's an elitist. He said meanwhile Bill is doing the same thing. Howard said they never put Bill in the front row of the Knicks games. He said he'd walk around and parade there during half time. He said he'd just give him a nod. Robin said that's such a Morton Downey Jr. move. Robin said she used to see him at Mets games and he'd have a Morton Downey jacket on. Howard said he's so grateful that he's in the front row. He said he wouldn't even go if he wasn't in the front row. Howard said he wouldn't start in the 4th row. He said he didn't go until he was assured he'd be in the front row. Howard said he thinks Bill was a couple of rows back but then at half time he'd come down and pretend he was in the front row.
Howard said Bill went on the Glenn Beck Show and he thinks he should have just stayed home. Howard did more of his impression of Bill talking to these women about sex stuff. He was making his jerking off sound talking about this stuff. Robin said Bill is still proclaiming his innocence so that's why he's on Glenn Beck.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks Bill would still be in this if he was a young and handsome man. Howard said he does. He said O'Reilly would sue the women if they were doing the same thing to him. He said John Stamos has never had to work hard with a chick. Robin said he's never seen him get harassed either. Howard said when he's depressed he fills up his house with models. He said John can't talk about it but he can. Howard said Stamos had a hard time after his divorce so he filled up his house with models. He said he was walking around sulking about his marriage. Howard said Ralph went over and said the whole place was packed with models but he was still depressed. He said Stamos slowly fucked his way out of his depression. He said he became happier and happier.
The caller said he had one more question. He said when his dog died he didn't understand it. He said his dog died a few weeks ago and now he gets it. Howard said alright and hung up on him. He said it is the worst when your dog dies and etcetera.
Howard said Bill O'Reilly didn't learn anything from Billy Bush. Howard said that guy has vanished. Howard said Billy tried to show Bill how to do it.
Howard played a clip from this Glenn Beck podcast where Bill talked about this being a hit and how he's going to be able to expose it in the next few weeks. Robin asked why he can't just talk about it now. Howard said just listen to this. Howard played more of the clip and Bill was talking about what he's going to do and how he can't do it legally yet. Howard played more and Bill talked about how he was target number 1 and how sad it is for him and his family. Howard said he's not sad.
Howard played more of Bill talking about how he's going to take legal action on these people. Howard asked what other kind of action he could take. He said he's not Charles Bronson. Howard said Bill isn't going to reveal anything in a couple of weeks. Howard said it's time to call it quits.
Howard played more of Bill talking about how ''we'' will be doing something and how ''we'' won't make mistakes because they're going to do it methodically. Howard said just go be creepy on your own time.
Howard played a clip that the guys edited of Bill saying he can't come out but he's gay. Howard played some other edited clops of Bill talking about how nice San Francisco is and things like that. Howard said that Bill was offered a job at The Blaze which is Glenn Beck's thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that everyone will forget about this stuff eventually. He said he'll be back doing a show eventually. Howard said he has a feeling that some conservative guy will bring him in like Hannibal Lecter. He said they'll take off that face thing for the show and then they'll put him back in a cage. Howard said he loves when conservative guys do stuff like this. He said they're so douchy. He said they tell you how to behave in a civilization and all of that. Then the do this kind of thing.
The caller said it shows how much bullshit is in politics. Howard said the guy is right, O'Reilly will be back.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loved Ronnie and JD yesterday. He asked if Howard saw the Norm Macdonald special on Netflix yet. Howard said he hasn't but he saw him in a club once and he was very funny. Howard said Louis C.K. has a Netflix special that is mind blowing. He said it's just amazing. He said he's never seen him perform before.
Sal came in so Howard asked him about the Louis C.K. special. Sal said it's brilliant. He told Howard some of the stuff he saw in it and it was so good. He said Dave Chappelle's are great too. Brent said he saw Dave's stuff but not Louis C.K.'s stuff. Sal said that Norm's special is amazing. The caller asked if Norm would come in to promote it. Howard said Norm has an open door policy there. He said he'd have him on anytime.
Howard said that Brent and Sal have been arguing about politics lately. Howard asked Brent about Tucker Carlson and spent a few minutes talking about him.
Howard said that he knew a woman who was saying that Bill wanted her to do stuff to have her on the air. Howard said of course Bill has his own thoughts on that stuff. Howard did his Bill voice again and had him talking to this woman telling her to do stuff with him.
Brent said that Bill is in his 60s and he wonders if you ever stop being charged up. Howard said it seems like a fucking pain in the ass to go through all of that. He said that he doesn't have the time for that. Howard said this guy is writing books and he has a show and a life and kids. Howard said he has to clear out a good 20 minutes or half hour to call these girls and get them in the room to pull on his pecker. Howard had Bill talking to a woman telling her to bite on his chicken neck.
Howard asked what's going on with Brent and Sal. Brent said that what they know about Trump is that there is an investigation going on with Trump and the alleged collusion with the Russians. Howard said Brent thinks that things are going to happen rapidly. Brent said it's going to be the people around him first. He said that they can't just arrest the president.
Sal said that the liberal side is jumping on the side of what the media says. Sal said they instigate us. Brent said Sal thinks that Trump is going to make it to the end and he just laughed. Sal said that the news was about Trump winning the election because of the Russians. He said that Bill Clinton fired the head of the FBI when he started too and they don't talk about that.
Sal said that Trump has the stock market jumping and he knows the guy is a little idiotic but he's doing his job for Americans. He said the media should step back and focus on the good things he's done. Sal said they only focus on the negative.
Howard said the facts are the facts. He said in 2008 when Obama took office the stock market was at 2000 and in 2016 it was at 20,000. Sal said he did a good job. He said in the press they wouldn't bring up the negative things that he was doing.
Brent said the thing is that they say that Obama wasn't tough on terrorism but he was the drone king. He said he killed lots of terrorists. Howard said Gary gets really upset with Sal. Sal said that Gary is a phony liberal. He said he just reads the appear and walks around like a wind up doll spewing stuff.
Gary said Sal doesn't even know who the secretary of state is. Sal said that doesn't matter. He said that's not what they're talking about. Sal said he thought that the secretary of state was in the room when Trump was talking to Putin. Robin said Putin wasn't even there. Sal said see, we don't have all the facts. They pointed out that Sal doesn't have the facts.
Howard had to explain to Sal who Rex Tillerson is and what went on with him. Sal was just talking over everyone and said that the guy is smart. He said keep your enemies closer. Howard said Sal's hair plugs are smoking from this.
Brent told everyone about this investigation that's going on and how it was in the Wall Street Journal. Sal said that's not a reliable source. They pointed out that it's owned by Rupert Murdoch and he's the owner of FOX News. Sal said no source is trustworthy.
Howard asked Sal what you do and where you get your information. Sal said he gets up and reads the NY Post and that's a great paper. He said that he focuses on what's going on in his life and he just provides for his family. Howard asked if the Post is his primary source of the news. Sal said it is. Howard asked if he ever asks the Long Island Medium for his news. Sal said no. Sal said if you want to make things better then mind your own business and don't get involved in politics.
Howard said Sal doesn't think that politics are important. Howard said if the gay people didn't get involved they'd still be getting beaten up in bars. Sal said if you have an agenda then you get involved. Howard said that he's trying to learn here. Sal said people just want to talk and get on a soap box. Howard said Sal is saying that you only get involved when necessary. Sal said just go to work and be a good person to everyone. Howard said Sal says leave it up to the politicians.
Howard asked Sal if we should worry about health care. Sal said no. He said people are in a tizzy over the health care thing with Trump changing it. Sal said nothing has changed. He said people have to mind their business and just work.
Howard asked if we should get involved with the environment. Sal said no. He said that it's fine. He said it's all horse shit. Sal said it's the same broken record. He said just be a good person. Sal said don't rely on politicians to change your life. He said do it yourself. Howard said they have to have health care and the government fighting ISIS. Sal said that he needs to vote for someone who wants to do it passionately. He said people need to calm down and get back to work. Howard asked Gary what he thinks. Gary said Chris Robinson thinks Sal is an idiot.
Howard said he has to get to Chris Robinson before he hails a cab home. Howard said he's hearing all of this. Sal said everyone is a phony and that's the problem. Howard kicked Sal out of the studio while he was rambling. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Chris Robinson is there. He said he loves this guy. He said he's a big Black Crows fan. Howard said Chris looks the same. He said he keeps his weight the same. Chris said it's bullimia. He said it's coming back in. Howard said one of his favorite videos to watch is this performance he did with Jimmy Page and the Black Crows. Howard said they were touring and he was in those silver pants. He asked if he was wearing underpants in that. Chris said he may not have. Howard said that is his favorite concert to watch. He said he wishes they made a concert film. Chris said they are reissuing that record and those songs didn't make it on the record. Howard said it was Live at the Greek. Chris said that he thinks they had a no underwear lead singer clause in that contract.
Howard asked about working with Jimmy Page. Chris said he opened for Steven Tyler and Robert Plant within the first 5 months of being a band. He said they did tours with Robert Plant and Aerosmith. Howard said he must have been out of his mind with glee. Chris said the Aerosmith thing was great. He said Steven Tyler gave him his first harmonica. He said he liked their earlier stuff. He said he got into music because it represented freedom to him. Chris said that can be a super duper showbiz thing.
Chris said he was always an outsider. He said he was dyslexic and he wasn't that popular. Howard said when he became a rock star he must have been thrilled. Chris said he was a little athletic but he wasn't going to join a fraternity at the University of Georgia or anything. He said that he lived his life to his creative wits. He said in Atlanta in the 80s it seemed like everyone was like that.
Howard said he thinks about Chris wanting to be a musician and if he is hard on the lead singers when he thinks about them. Chris said of course. He said someone asked him when he started singing. He said it was other people. He said someone would tell him he sounded like someone from another band or something. He said he'd be told he sounds like the guy from Humble Pie or all of these other guys.
Howard said Chris' dad had a hit record. Chris said that his dad told him he was a talentless loser. Howard said that's a nice thing to say to his son. Chris said he was told he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket from the well to the house. He said his dad passed but they were cool later on. He said he still has that ''I'll show you'' thing that he does. He said that he has a band now and he was told he can't do what he's doing. He said it's working but maybe not in a giant way. Howard said he's getting paid and making it as an artist. Chris said the main motivation is joy. He said he has a wonderful life and friends and this music. Chris said that it would be exhausting to be in the system and doing something like Zeppelin. He said he's looking for an authentic experience.
Howard said Chris must look at guys like Jagger. Chris said he's a genius. Howard said you look at Oasis and they don't move on stage. He said they decided they don't look right doing it. Chris said that works for them. Howard asked Chris if he made a decision early on and decided to dance the way he does on stage. Chris said he's lucky that he has been able to look the way he does and keep the weight down. He said some rock stars have a tough time with that.
Howard said he's glad he walked in with the long hair and beard. Chris said he'll cut his hair when Donald Trump is out of office.
Howard said the reason he loves that performance when he was with Jimmy Page is because it went so right. Howard said it could have gone wrong. Howard said that he embodies those songs. Chris said he and Robert Plant got into a tiff when they were touring in 1990. Chris said that Robert didn't sing Zeppelin at the time. He was just doing his solo stuff. He said when he got to the high note they had a recording. He said that he was such a naive asshole that he told Rolling Stone that. He said next thing he knew he was getting messages from their people. Chris said that he is friendly with Robert Plant now. He said that he got his blessing to sing his songs. Howard said he didn't copy him. He said he loves that performance.
Howard played some of the performance where Chris was singing ''The Lemon Song.'' Howard said the Black Crows were a great band. Howard said it's beautiful. He said Chris is doing his shimmy thing and just being himself. Howard said it could have gone so wrong.
Howard asked Chris if he worried that it could go wrong. Chris said of course he did. He said that people hate you and it takes time for people to appreciate it.
Howard asked what Plant or Tyler said to him after the Rolling Stone article. Chris said they were disappointed. He said he didn't know he was giving away company secrets. He said Robert Plant said it made him rethink what he was doing. Howard asked if that's why he won't perform Zeppelin stuff now. Chris said he's not sure. He said he's not sure he could even sing those songs now. He said they're very hard to perform. He said he and his wife saw Plant not too long ago and he told him that out of all of the older cats like him he loves and respects him. He said you have to be brave enough to do that stuff.
Howard said he loved the song he did when he was solo. He said he loved ''I'm in the Mood'' when he did that.
Howard said those songs are tough to sing and Chris did a great job with them. Chris said that to this day the rehearsals were intense. He said that they were like a prize fight for Jimmy Page. Howard said being able to play with Jimmy must have been great. Howard asked about how he did the songs. Chris said he and Jimmy hit it off. He said he has 5,000 vinyl records and he has music on his iPod. Howard said he has to bring books and records on tour with him and that messes him up on tour. Howard asked how he doesn't become consumed and how does he have time for his wife and kid. Chris said that writing songs and doing all of that is a problem. He said the kids don't even care about all of that. He said that's the way it should be.
Howard asked if Chris' kids want to be rock stars. Chris said he doesn't know about that. He said now he's a hard working musician and not a rock star so much. He said his wife is his manager now. He said they're not really in the music business. He said the kids see a different person. He said his daughter wonders who that girl is in the old Black Crows videos. He said they've never seen him without a beard.
Howard asked Chris about his dad's hit song and what that was. Chris sang some of the song. Howard said it would be nice to have a father who looks at his boy and talks about how great he is. Chris said he wasn't able to do it. He said he has a therapist now so it's all okay. Howard said the fantasy would be to have a father who supported him. Chris said that his dad lived in New York and he moved to Atlanta and got into folk music. He said that's where his music relationship started. He said they were Rabinowitz before they were Robinson. He said that his father would explain where this music came from and it opened him up to the fact that music is alive. He said it's not just something from the past. Chris said that music is the most emotional thing.
Howard said the first Black Crows album had like 4 or 5 hit songs on it. Chris said they performed ''Jealous Again'' on Howard's show and it was the first time it was heard on air. Howard said the beauty of it was that two brothers were in the band and they were sharing so much. Howard said that they put this band together and now they're estranged. Howard said he thinks that he could get them back together. Robin asked what the status is. Chris said that his brother is in a Black Crows tribute band. He said things are just crazy now with Trump as president and his brother in the tribute band and John Mayer being in the Grateful Dead.
Chris said that things are going fine. He said that everyone has kids to feed. He said he's not a big John Mayer fan. He said Jerry Garcia was a hero of his. He said that there is nothing unique about John Mayer. He said now he's playing everyone else's licks. Howard said Chris has his core values. Chris said what's made his life problematic is that you can't buy him. Howard said he's very opinionated and that makes a great song writer. Howard said that's why he could never be a great song writer.
Chris said that his songs are like little eggs. He said things didn't work for him in the system. He said he can't start to trust anything but his instinctual self. He said that he knows on the outside it must be upsetting.
Howard said the one story he laughs at is that he and his brother had a fist fight on stage. He said then the finished and got up and finished the song. Chris said they never did that. Howard said he thought that was a true story. Chris said that the guys in Oasis got into fights. Howard said they can't stand each other in that band. Chris said it was like being in a deposition all the time. He said that everyone was on their best behavior the whole time. Howard said the story was that Chris and his brother got into a fight during a rehearsal. Chris said that happened a lot.
Howard asked Chris about making his first big album. He asked about how they wanted to make an album like Exile on Main Street. Chris said that he knows what the Rolling Stones were back when they were big. He said now they go to see them in Times Square. Howard said that he saw them a few years ago and they were great. Chris said there is no rock and roll without the Stones. He said you put them where they belong. He said Mick Jagger in 1972 was the best front man there ever was. He said now people are amazed that he doesn't fall down running around for 2 hours. Howard said it is pretty amazing. Chris said when he was at his best he was rocking a very small piece of the stage and you couldn't take your eyes off him.
Howard said Chris supports the guy playing the guitar on stage when he's not singing. Chris said that it's supposed to be a visceral experience. He said he would dance and he truly was only as good as the band behind him. Howard said you don't just start dancing. Howard asked if he practiced in front of a mirror. Chris said he didn't go that far. He said he never had an act that was choreographed.
Howard said he's going to play a few songs from the early years. Howard played some ''Jealous Again'' and said that was a great song. Howard said it only got to number 75 on the charts. Chris said you never hear songs with guitars on the charts. Chris said the big managers said that he was the worst. He said this was the time of Axl Rose and guys like that. Howard asked if they were pressuring him to be like Axl. Chris said no one can make him do that. He asked why he would listen to someone else.
Howard said he thought Rick Rubin produced that record. Chris said that Rick owned the record company and he stuck his name on it after they sold a million records. Chris told Howard that Rick wanted him to change the name of his band to ''Kobb Kounty Krows'' because they were from Cobb County. He said that he told him to spell it all with Ks. He said that wasn't cook.
Howard played another song from the early days of the Black Crows. Howard said that they had another hit with ''Hard to Handle.'' Howard said that's a cover of an old song. Chris said that he had the idea to sing it because Otis Redding is a hero of his. He said if you break it down it's also ''Walk this Way.'' He said that they kind of turned it into that.
Howard played another song ''She Talks To Angels'' and asked if he remembers writing that one. Chris said of course he does. Howard asked him about his brother and the writing process. Chris told Howard about how he'd come in and he'd tell his brother what to do with the music. He said that's what he did. He said that he wrote the melodies and lyrics and his brother did the music. He said that he is a song writer. He said that's how he finds his way across the dark cave floor of existence.
Howard asked about the lyrics and how he came up with them. Chris said that writing is easier now. He said it's a lot more communal now with the new band. Howard asked if the chick he wrote the song ''She Talks to Angels'' about knew it was about her. Chris said of course she does. He said he hasn't lived there in Atlanta for 27 years now. He said that she ended up swinging a Budweiser bottle at this guy who was bothering her in a bar.
Howard said then the second album comes out and then they had this song. Howard played some ''Remedy'' from that second album. Howard said that's a good song. Howard said that they were saying that it was for the war on drugs but Chris asked how they can win a war on drugs. Howard asked if Chris has a medical marijuana card in California. Chris said of course he does.
Howard asked if Rock and Roll is dead. Chris said he doesn't think so. He said he's in a rock band traveling the world. He said that's real.
Howard said Chris has a new band called the Chris Robinson Brotherhood. Howard said that's interesting. Chris said that he's been so dysfunctional for so long that he doesn't wake up in the morning upset.
Howard asked Chris would write high. Chris said that his song writing has changed. He said he used to be a night time writer but now he's a morning writer. He said the night time stuff would be different. Chris said at this age he had only written 20 or 30 songs. Now he's 50 and he's written hundreds. Chris said that he probably wrote those songs in a matter of hours. He said they went from being some kid who no one knew to being this big star. Howard asked if he did acid and if it changed him. Chris said it changed him as a person. Howard said he thinks it's like a plague. Chris said that anything that doesn't benefit you isn't good. He said that LSD would have been his last choice at that time. Chris said it depends on who you are and what you're looking for. Chris said some of these things grow out of the ground. He said they're basically policing people's consciousness. He said you can't do that. He said that the guy who was in there earlier will never understand that. Howard said he's talking about Sal.
Howard gave Chris a plug for his new album Barefoot in the Head. Chris said that the music is straight from the source. Howard played one of their new songs from the new album. Howard said it's all good and positive. Howard said he doesn't feel down listening to this. Howard said he feels high already.
Howard said he likes this music. Chris said his wife is with him today. Howard had the guys bring her in. Chris said he's been married 9 years. Howard asked if he's going to come in and say he's not married next year. Chris asked if he's coming in next year.
Chris' wife Allison came in and Howard asked if he's an easy guy to live with. She said it's not easy. She said it's complicated. Howard said that they have kids and it's too bad the kids can't get together. Chris said it's sad. He said that's where they are though. Howard said maybe they should have a thanksgiving together. Chris asked if Howard was in Point Reyes recently. Howard said he was because his daughter lives out that way. Chris said they're right there. He said he should have called. Howard said he didn't know. Howard said it's really nice out there.
Howard said look at Allison being married to Chris. Howard asked how she hooked up with him. Allison said they had mutual friends. They met at a show. Allison said she didn't know they were still making music. Chris said he had a date that night and that girl fucked off. He said that his friends introduced them and then they went to an after party. He said that he went to her asking her if she liked the show and she said it was a little tedious. She said she had some tequila that night. Allison said that the concert wasn't a normal thing. Chris said they played the whole new album. He said there were no hit songs that night. Chris said that didn't deter him though. He said they spent the night together that night and they've been together ever since. Allison said her mother doesn't know they spent the night. Chris said they've been together every day since.
Howard said it takes him 3-4 months for him to get something going on. Howard said that's great it went so fast.
Howard asked Chris about writing a song about Allison. Chris said there is one on the album about her. Howard asked if he tells her that he did that. Allison said he doesn't. Chris said that he doesn't discuss it. He said he doesn't like to sing songs for her because she's too opinionated. Howard asked if the love making is tedious too. She said she doesn't critique that.
Howard said this is exciting. He said that they've seen his happy life and his old life. Howard said that he's got it together now.
Howard said that they could have thanksgiving with his brother and their kids. Howard said that they probably want to know their cousins. Allison said her daughter does want to know them. Chris said maybe they can meet up later on in life. Howard said that they should meet their uncle. Allison said they would need multiple therapists at the table that night. She said she has her own beef with the brother. Howard asked what that is. Allison said she won't get into that. Howard said that's not easy to put together then. Allison said it's really not. Chris said it's a sad situation. He said sometimes they make private things public and it's not a good thing.
Howard asked if they can have John Mayer at the dinner too. Allison said she's not into him either. Chris joked about him and said he got into trouble talking shit about John Popper on the show last time he was on. He said he was kind of cruel to John. Howard said he's a good musician isn't he. Chris said he sees him sometimes but they're not going to hang out. He said he heard that John wrote a book and he called him the biggest dick in show business or something like that. Chris said Howard should get Jimmy Page in there. Howard said he's never been on the show. Howard asked who is more interested in Jimmy Page than him. Chris said he'd call him if he had his number. He said he has Robert Plant's number.
Chris said tomorrow they're playing with Government Mule in Central Park. He said in 1990 they were doing a show and they were asked to see the Allman brothers. He said it was him and his brother and Warren Haynes came over and introduced himself. He said that he liked their record. He said they were talking and Greg Allman was in the dressing room combing his hair. He said he had to walk past them. He said Warren introduced him to Greg and Greg just said ''Who gives a shit?'' and kept on walking. He said he thought that was great. He said 27 years later who really does give a shit?
Chris told Howard about some other guys he's met and how great it's been. He said that being on stage with Jimmy Page is great but he has been on stage with other guys like Bernard Perti. He said that's great too. Howard asked if anyone has asked him to produce records. Chris said not a lot. He said there's not a lot of rock and roll going on.
Howard asked Allison how she stays in shape. She said it's the stress diet. She said she has a thyroid thing too. Howard asked if the sex life is still good. Allison said you have to fit that in. She said they have kids running around and things to do though. Howard said they are delightful. Chris thanked Howard for having him on. Howard said he's one of the best front men out there. He said he's proud of him. Howard said he's glad he came in today. He said ''We'' at first and Chris said he should watch that with the Bill O'Reilly stuff that he played earlier with him saying ''we'' a lot. Howard and Chris spent a minute talking about the O'Reilly stuff.
Howard asked about the rock and roll hall of fame. Chris said he's not interested in that. He said Steppenwolf isn't even in it. He said there are a lot of bands that aren't in it.
Howard asked Chris what would happen if he was going to be inducted but he and his brother had to do it. Chris said he's not going. Chris said Jerry Garcia didn't go so he's not going. Chris said it's not even a brother thing. He said he doesn't like his brother but he doesn't hate anyone. He said he's not going to play with them. He said the rock and roll hall of fame is like going to the mall or something. Allison said it's a weird corporate thing. Howard said he can imagine them alone talking about that corporate bullshit.
Howard asked if they have even been contacted about he hall of fame. Chris said no. He said they're in the Georgia hall of fame though. Chris said that no one wanted to get back stage at a Black Crows show. Chris said he's the luckiest person in the world. He said he has the music and he doesn't have time to sit around being miserable. Howard said most people don't get along. He said they just tolerate.
Howard said his parents can barely stand him. He said most people in his family don't like him. He said he must be very annoying. Howard asked how many days Chris is in therapy. Chris said it's just the one. Howard said he's in 3 or 4 days. Allison said it's working for him.
Howard asked if his dad liked his brother better. Chris said he did. He said his mother too. He said that he was the weird, crazy one. Chris said they've overcome everything. Howard gave Chris some pugs for the album and the web site ChrisRobinsonBrotherhood.com. They wrapped up and went to break after that. As they went to break they played a phony phone call the guys made with Evil Dave clips and a Ronnie the Limo Driver sex tip.
Howard said he's not sure how thrilled his dad was with him but he never shot him. Robin said Marvin's dad was suffering from dementia. Howard said it's time to take the guns away when you have dementia. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said they're having so much fun today. He said it's fabulous. He said he sees it's time for news. They played Robin into it with a song parody about her. Howard said he really loves that Chris Robinson. He said look up that performance the Black Crows did with Jimmy Page. Howard said he'll talk shit about people but he has the chops to back it up. Robin said she had read that Jimmy is 73 and he has a 26 year old girlfriend. Robin said after seeing him play that guitar she thinks he deserves it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw Saturday Night Live and what he thought of the girl band Haim. Howard said he fast forwarded through it. He said they had nice voices and they were good musicians but he didn't care so he went through it. Gary gave Howard the pronunciation of the band's name. Howard asked what Gary knows about them. Gary gave him whatever info he read about them. The caller said that they were playing their own instruments. Howard said they were. He said he didn't care and their outfits weren't that hot. Robin said one of them was making weird faces. Howard said he didn't know they were sisters.
Howard had Robin start her news. Robin started her news with a story about Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell breaking up. Fred had added some wind chimes to her news theme music. Howard said he's not sure who that is. Robin said that's from 2 seasons ago from The Bachelor. Howard said he thinks he predicted that break up. Robin said he's probably right about that. Howard said one of the Bachelors killed a guy in a car accident. Robin said she saw that. Howard played a bit they did with a car crash in a promo for the show.
Robin read a story about the Miss USA Pageant taking place over the weekend. Robin said Miss Washington DC won. Robin said she will go on to compete for the Miss Universe title. Robin said that she is a nuclear scientist. Robin had some audio from the show where the contestants were answering questions. Howard said he should ask Sal the same questions and see how he answers. Gary brought in a picture of Miss Washington DC. Howard said she's no scientist. Gary said she has a bachelor's degree in science. He said she's not a nuclear scientist. Robin had some audio of Miss Illinois answering a question. She had a couple of others from Miss South Carolina and Miss New Jersey. Howard made up his own questions and said that's what the pageant should be. Howard was asking about the pros and cons of bleaching your asshole and things like that. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Howard got back into the Miss USA pageant thing but Robin said they have to move it along. Howard kept going with his made up questions.
Robin read a story about Conan O'Brien being sued for stealing jokes by a joke writer. Robin read about the case and how this joke writer had posted jokes on Twitter and then found out they came out on Conan's monolog. Robin asked Howard what he thinks. Howard said the jokes were similar but he's not sure how you figure out if they're stolen or not. Howard said he's had tons of his stuff stolen over the years. He said he has crazy stories. Howard said maybe he should have sued someone.
Robin read a story about American Idol coming back and there's more news coming out about it every day. Howard said he was so burned out on that show. Robin said she tried to watch with new judges but she really didn't care. Howard wondered what they're trying to bring back. Howard said The Voice has ratings and they haven't gone down. Howard said they have massive ratings. He said maybe they just like looking at the hosts. Robin said there are unconfirmed reports that Ryan Seacrest will be hosting. Howard said they should do something new with the show. He said no one cared that Ryan was there before. Robin said there are reports that Katy Perry was offered the role of judge on the show. Howard said he will compliment ABC on this show ''Rise Up.'' He said it's terrific. Howard said it was the story of some gay people trying to find themselves and it's very well acted. He said go find it. Robin said she missed that. She said she should have given it a chance.
Robin read a story about how hackers may have the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Robin said hackers released episodes of Orange is the New Black and now they're trying to hold this movie hostage. Howard said he hasn't seen any of those Pirates movies. Robin said she read that Paul McCartney is in this new one. Howard said now he has to see it. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a man who is saying that Siri saved his life. Robin said the guy was in a home explosion and his hands were burned so he asked Siri to dial 911. Robin said that he was able to contact them and they got to him in time before he was completely in shock. Robin said he's now recovering at the hospital.
Robin read a story about Bill Cosby talking about the accusations against him and blaming racism. Robin said there's a mix of black and women accusing him though. Howard said he's heard so many comics talking about how Cosby made them want to be comics. Howard said Cosby is the reason he didn't want to be a stand up comic. Howard said he thought the guy was a bore. Howard said he crossed that job off his list of potential jobs. Howard said people would laugh at this bit he did about dentists. Howard said he saw him do it live and he thought that he'd rather be at the dentist than watch this.
Robin read a story about how a 16 year old died from a caffeine overdose. Robin said he had a caffeine induced cardiac arrest. Robin had some audio for Howard to play of an official talking about how much this kid had within 2 hours. Robin said the kid collapsed in class and then died. Robin said the caffeine induced a heart attack. Howard said he has one coffee in the morning. He said that Fred is fine from drinking that much thoguh. Fred played the sound of a body hitting the floor.
Robin said Aaron Hernandez's fiancee will be on Dr. Phil's show today. Robin said she's doing a 2 part interview about Hernandez. Robin had a clip from the show for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about Dave Chappelle saying that he regrets saying that we should give Trump a chance when he was hosting Saturday Night Live. Howard said everything is about Trump these days. Robin said that Ann Coulter is even turning on him. Robin said that she's not happy about how things are going so far. Robin said that she may withdraw her support if things don't turn around. Howard said Ann Coulter and Sal were his last big supporters and now this.
Robin read a story about Trump being accused of giving secrets to the Russians when he met with them the other day. Robin said when he was running for office he said that Hillary's emails were hacked into and she was unfit to be president. Robin said they didn't have to hack Trump. He just gave away information. Robin said his security advisor is denying that he gave that information out. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play. Robin said the Washington Post is standing by their story that he did. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked Howard if he had a picture of his daughter in a skimpy outfit would he post it and brag about it. Howard said he saw that Trump's lawyer did that with his daughter. Robin said that's right. She was wearing just black stockings and a lacy bra. Robin said he posted it and wrote that he was so proud of his daughter who has brains and beauty. Howard said she's very beautiful but he might want to tone that shit down.
Robin read about how there are people who think Trump should get rid of Sean Spicer. Robin said Stephen Colbert said last night on his show that he needs Sean Spicer. Robin had a clip from Colbert's show.
Robin read a story about how Baron Trump will be going to school in Maryland next fall. Robin said that some neighbors think that will have a negative impact on their community.
Robin said Tracy Morgan has a new Netflix special. Robin had some audio of Tracy talking about how it made him a better person. Robin had some audio of him talking about how God sent him back instead of taking him. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about everyone saying ''Hey Now!'' He was also talking about ''The Great American Nightmare'' and how he's going to play the entire Private Parts soundtrack today. Fred threw in some wind chime sounds. Howard said much to his shock Robin has 6 wind chimes. He said he hasn't spoken to her since he found that out. He said if she were his neighbor he'd be pissed.
Howard played a clip from a CW 11 news report where they did a report about someone who has neighbors who are upset about some wind chimes. Some neighbors were posting messages on trees about how noisy they are. They asked the woman to remove them. The woman has no plans on removing them. The woman said get over it, you live in New York City. Robin said she would remove it immediately. Howard said that's the attitude this woman has. He said that there are rules and laws. He said this is what he's talking about and this is why he hates people.
Howard said he hates wind chimes. He said he sits outside and he never wonders about wind chimes. He said there are other sounds of nature out there. He said it's never missing this. Fred played more wind chimes. Robin said she didn't know she liked it until it was added. Howard said people used to outlaw bongs. He said they should outlaw wind chimes. Robin said someone gave her a beautiful wind chime and she set it up when they came to visit. Robin said that big one she has hardly makes a sound. Howard said he doesn't understand that one.
Howard said this is an example of what he was talking about the other day. He said it's a complete disregard for human beings. Robin said she would get rid of them if her neighbors got upset. Howard said he can't point one thing about Robin that he doesn't like. He said Fred on the other hand... Fred played the clip of Ronnie saying ''Take some butter and spread it on your ass chreaks.'' Howard said that they should never give Ronnie a second cut on his recordings.
Howard said Richard sent him a cover version of Bon Jovi's ''Runaway.'' He said he likes that song. He said it was their first big hit. Howard played some of the song. Howard said Richard told him about this band Grave Worm that covered the song. He said he took his word that it was good. Howard said he put it on and he was right. Howard said Richard knows his music. He said that they brought in violins and stuff. He said it's big. Howard played some of their version of the song. Howard said then the lead singer comes in and he's like ''What the fuck!?'' He said this sums up Richard's whole life. He said Richard spent hours in that stupid barn and he has no musical taste. Howard said the musicians are fabulous but the singer isn't singing. He said that's not singing.
Howard said this is why Richard never went anywhere with his drumming. He said he's the greatest drummer but this musical taste is not there. Howard said Mike Piazza was up there years ago and he was blown away when he saw that Richard was working there. Gary said Mike was asking if that was Richard from Iced Earth. Howard said that's a waste of a music career. Howard said he went on tour and there were no girls at the shows. Howard said they had no money and no girls. He said they didn't even have drugs. Richard said they had beer. Howard said for fun Richard would cook his own shit.
Howard said Richard is better than Ringo but what good is he? Richard said he got to tour the world. Howard said listen to Richard. He played a clip of him drumming in Iced Earth. Richard said this is the song Mike Piazza was asking about. Howard asked what happened. He did an impression of the singer in that Grave Worm band. It sounded like Soupy Sales or the guy from Ed Wood.
Howard said he has Robin's neighbor on the phone. One of the guys in the back said he can't take it and he's going to chain saw down the tree the chimes are in. They had a chain saw sound playing as he was screaming about the sound. Howard told the guy to take it easy. He said he thinks he cut his own head off.
Howard said it's really hard not to get laid in a band. Howard said Richard was in the one band that he didn't get pussy. Richard said that's why he's so good at drumming. He said he had to practice instead of getting laid. Richard said it worked out for him. He said he's working there. Richard said people will ask what happened to him because he's licking balls now instead of playing.
Howard said it's like if Pablo Picasso had become a juggler. He said he was painting and then he changed to juggling. Howard said he finally hung it up and went to juggling.
Howard asked what if Jimmy Page went to folding pieces of paper into Oragami. He told Richard to get out of there. Richard asked if he can't defend himself. Howard said it's like if Paul McCartney became a plumber. Howard did an impression of him working on a toilet and humming songs instead of performing them.
Gary said the guys said that Richard has told a story about the whole band shitting in a can and cooking it in an oven. Richard said they also took a shit in a toilet so it piled up to the top. Howard said that's what they did in Iced Earth. Richard said that wasn't while he was in Iced Earth. He said he knows that it's hard to believe but the stuff he did with Iced Earth and Death is still pretty popular. Howard said Richard is as good as any musician he's ever heard. He said then he came there. Howard said it's like if Jimi Hendrix became a manager at a pizza place. Howard said in an alternate universe Richard is Jimi Hendrix. He said that in this universe he's there working on this show. Howard said it would be like if he became the greatest podcaster ever. Howard said it's like if he were PewtiePie.
Howard said there should be a story about girls licking his ass when he was in that band. He said he doesn't have a road story. Richard said nope. Robin said there's a documentary about this guy Sugarman who was a huge guy in South America. She said it's like that.
Howard asked if Richard really believes that Grave Worm did a good job with that Bon Jovi song. Richard said he's a fan of that kind of music. Howard said he doesn't get that. Howard said this guy sounds like cookie monster when he opens his pipes. He said it's a goof. Howard played the song again. He told Richard to get out of there.
Richard said there was a singer who snorted like a pig in Kansas. Howard said Richard liked that. Richard said he did. Richard said you just bang your head when you hear those songs. Howard said he sat next to Richard at a Metallica concert and he was swinging his head around like he still had hair. Richard said his neck does hurt from that. He said he went to see this band Aman Amarth and they have the crowd sit down and pretend they're rowing a Viking ship. He said Howard would like that. Howard said less rowing and more music. Richard said they're awesome. Howard said Vikings would hate that shit. He said they'd chop their heads off.
Howard said try listening to the Stones. Richard said he likes really underground stuff. He said he had a neighbor who was into metal. Howard cut him off and said he's head enough of this. Howard played some Caniunis and asked if Richard likes that. Richard said he does. He said it's good stuff. He said his friend has a band called Hate Beak and they have a parrot singer. Fred played one of their songs. Howard told Richard to go smell Sal's balls.
Howard asked where that storage unit was. Richard said it was in Orlando. Howard said he really has to take a break. Richard said he likes wind chimes too. Howard said please leave when he asks him to. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's a beautiful song. He said he heard there's a new Nine Inch Nails album coming out but Trent Reznor never comes in there. He said he's too cool for them. Howard said the guy is talented.
Howard said he has to give a few minutes to congratulate Anthony Atamanuik. He said he hates that last name. He said it's fucking horrible. He said he's known the guy for a while now. He had Anthony in the studio.
Howard said that Anthony made an impact with his Trump impression and with James Adomian. Howard said he hates that name too. He said he admires Anthony keeping his name but it's tough. Howard said Anthony has his own show on Comedy Central. He asked where he tapes it. Anthony said it's in Colbert's old studio. He said he has Colbert's old office.
Howard asked if he's a trump guy. Anthony said he's not into any of it. He said the whole system is screwed. Anthony said that their show will end like Seinfeld with everyone in jail. Anthony said that people were saying that Trump was going to start his own TV network. He said he waited and when it went through and Trump won he and a friend came up with a talk show where they use their own ideas into this format and they fooled everyone.
Howard said he heard Anthony moved out of his parent's house and into his own apartment. Anthony said he did but he still sleeps in his sleeping bag.
Howard asked Anthony what kind of guests he has on his show. Anthony said they've had a lot of big guests like Deepak Chopra and people like that.
Howard said he was aware of his Trump when he was on tour with the Bernie guy. Howard said he saw it on the internet. He said the person who told him about him was Colin Quinn. Howard said Colin told him he had to check this guy out doing Trump. Anthony said he was the OG Trump. Howard asked if he ever tried out for Saturday Night Live. Anthony said he did try out and he did a Baldwin impression too. Howard said they didn't give him the gig. Anthony said they gave it to Alec Baldwin. Howard said when Alec goes on TV talking about other guys trying to be on Saturday Night Live is he referring to him. Anthony said he is. He said he likes Alec a lot and he thought they were razzing each other. He said Alec does a great job and he's doing a totally different version than he does.
Howard said that Anthony did an impression of Trump saying ''Gina'' instead of ''China.'' Anthony did some of that for Howard. Howard said he loves when he's Trump.
Howard said he's going to talk to Anthony as Trump. He said he's going to play spin the wheel of bombing. Howard spun the wheel and mentioned the country that it lands on. Howard said it came up on China. Anthony did his Trump impression and talked about how they stole his idea for a wall so good bye ''ching chongs.''
Howard gave him Germany and Anthony as Trump talked about why he thinks they should be bombed. He said that he'd bomb them but he'd make sure to keep the crematoriums because they might use them again.
Howard gave Anthony France and he did his Trump talking about why he would give them a pass because they let teenage girls drink.
Howard spun the wheel one more time and came up with India. Anthony's Trump said that it would be impossible to grab pussy because of the woman with 8 arms. He said she's like Curly from the 3 Stooges. Howard said people say Trump isn't worldly but he's been everywhere. Howard said he's never heard stories like this.
Howard gave the wheel another spin and came up with Cameroon. Trump asked if he can even say that word. He thought it was racist. Howard spun it again and came up with Afghanistan and Trump had some comments about burkas.
Howard had another spin and came up with Mexico. Trump said they're going to bomb them and make them pay for the bombs. Howard spun it again and came up with CNN so Trump went off on them talking about how he'd bomb them.
Howard said Anthony has his own TV show called The President Show. Howard said he's going to have him comment on other talk show hosts. Anthony did his Trump talking about hosts like Chelsea Handler. He said he'd give her a pass because she has great tits. Howard asked about Jimmy Fallon. Trump said that he gave him a pass on the tough questions. Howard asked about James Corden and Trump said he has great tits too. He said he's motorboat him and put Mike Pence on water skis behind him.
Howard asked about Trevor Noah. Trump said that he'd call the police if he saw a black man in his living room at 11:30 at night.
Howard asked Trump about his TV show which is on Thursday nights at 11:30. Howard asked about David Letterman. Trump claimed he beat him so bad that he quit so he could go off into the woods with Hillary. Howard asked him about his beard. Trump said it's a bigly beard and it's tremendous.
Howard asked about Samantha Bee. Trump said that's funny that a woman host is out there. He said he'd grab her by the P.
Howard said this is amazing. Trump also asked about how Melania is because he hasn't seen her in months. He said she's great because she lives very far away.
Howard asked Trump about some of the other first ladies. Fake Trump talked about how he banged Barbara Bush and she was a great lay. He talked about Jackie Kennedy and Ladybird Johnson. Trump said he calls her Twatty Pigeon Penis.
Howard said he's going to get rid of him now. He was going to ask him another question but he stopped. Trump said that he got into trouble for telling Russian secrets. He gave Howard some names on the list but they were actually people he had to meet with in the Diamond District today.
Howard gave Anthony some plugs and tried to pronounce his name again. Anthony told Howard that Mark Hamill told him to change his name too. Howard said that he was so happy for him when he got that TV show. He said his material is top notch. He said he was so worried he was going to end up in a storage unit in Florida. Howard asked if he's looking for guys to do impressions. Anthony said he has Pete Gross playing Mike Pence. He said he's also the show runner. He said they have to get everyone like Melania and all of them. Anthony said they have a surprise coming up for someone playing Steve Bannon.
Howard gave him some more plugs and said he really has Trump down. Howard said Anthony realized that Trump questions himself and confirms it. Anthony told Howard about the first time he saw that. He told Howard some of the other things Trump does. Anthony said he said something on the show once and 2 months later Trump said it. He said it was a joke on Howard's show and Trump said it a couple months later. He said he had said something about having bigger ratings than 9/11 and Trump used that line months later.
Howard gave Anthony more plugs. Anthony said Howard once left him a huge tip when he was working as a waiter. He said that he met Howard when his dad played drums for Jewel. He said that he was there when she was playing on the Tonight Show and Howard was on. Howard said that Jewel yelled at James Carville to stop staring at her tits. Howard said it was fucking great. Anthony said he remembers her walking in the green room freaking out about that.
Howard said his movie had just come out and he invited Jewel to come with them. He said she said yes but then her mom said she couldn't go. Anthony said he was there that day. Anthony told Howard that he remembers that Howard tipped him $100 on a $45 bill. Anthony said he had fucked up Howard's order too. He said it was at John's Pizzeria. Howard said he had a shitty waiter but great pizza. Howard congratulated Anthony on his show and went to break.
Howard came back and said he loves this girl. He didn't know it was Rihanna. Howard said he likes her but it likes that Sia version. He said Sia wrote the song. Howard said that Sia moves him. Howard said he bought his daughter some Sia albums on vinyl. He told Gary that. Gary said that's great. Howard said Sia never had to shit in a can and cook it.
Howard said yesterday he went home after the show and tried playing a game of chess online. He said he does it to make himself feel smart. He lost so he felt stupid. He said he just put on TV instead. He said he was watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire and now the guy from The Bachelor is hosting it. He said he had no idea the show was still on the air. He said there are some little guys who host shows that look the same. JD said it's definitely the guy from The Bachelor. He said it's Chris Harrison. Howard said that guy must be making some bread. He said if he was ABC he wouldn't pay him too much money. He said he thinks he's pretty cheap.
Howard asked if they hear water. Fred played wind chimes. Howard said maybe he's hearing things. Howard said you know that Chris Harrison guy is the guy the people go to on The Bachelor for advice. Howard explained how that works on that show. Howard said he's never offered any advice that makes any sense. He said he thinks he got divorced himself. Robin said he did a few seasons back. Howard said he gets the run off from that show. He said everyone who is on that show is a whack job. Howard said they're all nut jobs if they date on a TV show. Robin said some have had normal relationships. Howard told her not to believe that.
Howard said after he turned on the TV yesterday he wasn't able to get past the $7,000 question. He said it was embarrassing. He said they asked a question about Oslo, Norway and he wasn't even sure about that answer. He said he turned on the TV to feel good about himself and he couldn't even do that.
Howard said Chris Harrison is coming up on the outside as a host. Robin said he's the one constant on the show like Jeff Probst is on Survivor. Howard said they could get rid of Chris at any time. Howard said he's not The Bachelor. He said he'd turn to him for guidance on the show. Howard said he would ask about the guys getting rid of the black chicks after a couple of weeks. Robin said one made it to the final 3. Robin said now she's the Bachelorette. Howard said that girl looked normal but now she's on The Bachelor and that's not normal. Howard said it would be so great if they put black guys on the show and she got rid of them in the first 3 weeks.
Howard said this story about the President revealing intel to these two Russian fuck heads. Howard said the intel came from Israel and imagine Israel sitting out there in the desert surrounded by enemies. Howard said they're able to exist out there and somehow they have infiltrated ISIS. Howard said they managed to take one of their people and this guy sneaks out intel and tells us that they're going to attack people on airplanes. Howard said this guy is in deep undercover work and he comes across information about how they're going to create terrorism. Howard said the Israelis share it with us to cooperate. Howard said if this intel gets out this guy's cover is blown. Howard said they'll chop this guy's head off. Howard said this guy is dead if they figure out who it is. Howard said this is serious shit.
Howard said this guy who infiltrated ISIS is risking his life to get this intel and it's very serious stuff. Robin said this is how you have to talk to the American people. Howard said ISIS doesn't take snitching lightly. He said that Russia and Iran would love nothing more than seeing an Israeli sympathizer killed. Howard said he doesn't know the full story and he wants to think that everything is okay. Robin said there are people who said this didn't happen. Howard said if it did happen it's a very serious allegation. Howard said it's the scariest business to be in when you're in the intelligence business.
Robin said the cover of an operative could be blown. Howard said we're all a flock of sheep and we're in the field right now. Everything is great but the wolves are circling us. Howard said the only thing separating us from them are the shepherds. Howard said it's the sheep dogs. Howard said they could easily be wolves but they're interested in protecting the sheep. Howard said he wouldn't want that pressure. He said he hopes this guy's cover wasn't blown.
Howard said Johnny Depp is starting to get an inkling. Robin said she saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie and he still looks like Johnny Depp. Howard said that's too bad.
Howard said the longer he lives he gets more comments about how he looks his best now. Howard said maybe he's working his way into being halfway palatable.
Howard said today is the second anniversary of Sal's ''My cock is gone.'' He said some people are hard to hypnotize but Sal is easy according to their hypnotist. Howard said he's not sure if that's a good thing or not. Howard said there must be no thoughts in there that are worth hanging on to. Howard said Scott Schmaren also had Sal thinking he was a pregnant turtle in a former life. Howard played a clip from that day when Sal was under hypnosis talking about laying eggs as a turtle.
Howard said 2 years ago they had Scott hypnotize Sal again and it was so good they can't top it. Howard said once Sal thought his cock was gone he freaked out. Howard said this was the most real moment ever. Howard played a clip of Sal freaking out and yelling about his cock being gone. He was screaming about it being gone and asking for him to please put it back. Howard said they salute Sal and Scott for that moment on the show.
Howard said the song parodies came rolling in after that. He played a medley of a bunch of those song parodies. Howard also had a parody where fake Caitlyn Jenner was freaking out about her cock being gone.
Howard said that Sal called a Swap Shop show and had the host say a shout out to his friend Mike Cockisgon. He got in that name and a bunch of his family members. Howard played a song parody with a bunch of clips of Sal in it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he tried to do a Ronnie's sex tip thing. He asked where the ass ''chreaks'' are located. Howard said he's not sure how that's spelled. Robin said it's ''Treaks'' but Howard said that it might be Chreaks.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that the beset thing on Sirius is the Beatles channel. Howard said he has a promo for that. It was a commercial for the Beetle channel featuring songs from Beetlejuice.
Howard said that starts at noine oh noine tomorrow morning. Mariann that Howard has 399 more days until the end of his contract. Howard said it can't come soon enough. He hung up on Mariann. Howard said it can't come soon enough.
Howard said they had Ronnie's mom call a car mechanic for some phone sex. Howard said in honor of the Ronnie's mom requests they did this. Howard played the call and they had the Ronnie's mom impersonator call a car mechanic asking about a windshield replacement. She wanted to have some fun and asked the guy to pull down his pants. Then he said he wanted to fuck her in the ass. Howard said this is an excellent example of how gross guys are. The guy was getting pretty graphic about what he was going to do to this old lady. She said she was going to shit all over his chest. She shit and said her rectum fell out of her ass. The guy sounded like he was getting off on it. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's the famous George Takei. He said he was on Star Trek for many years and now he's their announcer. Robin said she remembers watching that show when she was in school. She never thought he'd be announcing for their show. Howard said they thank god for him every day.
Howard took a call from a woman who suggested that they stop with the politics because it's getting old. She said they're talking about Trump every day. Howard said people write and say he doesn't talk enough about it. The caller said Howard is so political. Howard said he hardly talks politics at all. He told her to get off his phone you fuck. He said everyone things they know what he should be doing. Howard said she should sit back and blow him. He asked what Mel Gibson said. Robin said it was ''You should shut up and blow me.'' Gary said it was ''You should just fucking smile and blow me.'' Howard had Fred play that clip of Mel yelling at his wife. Howard said he had a complete meltdown.
Howard took a call from one of the guys in the back who yelled at him for just talking about cock all the time. Howard said he's into cock.
Howard took a call from a guy whose phone was cutting out. Howard said every other word comes through. The caller said he wanted to ask if he thinks Ralph is gay. Howard said he regrets going to the phones every day of his life. Howard said everyone thinks Ralph is gay but he thinks he'd announce it if he was. Howard asked why he wouldn't admit it. Howard said there are people who have jobs that it might affect but what does Ralph do? Howard said he wishes he was gay because he likes gay people more than straight. Howard said he thinks gay people should be above straight in this society. The caller said they have to get them equal first. Howard said this is the way he's going to do it.
Howard said that he's trying to have a conversation with Tommy and he can't get a word in. Fred played a song parody about hanging up on that asshole. Howard said he's trying to hang in there with this guy Tommy. Howard said he's going to stay with him despite that song.
Howard said he's a champion of the most downtrodden. He said he's seen how gay people have been treated. Howard said they have to put up with so much shit. Howard said they get beaten up outside a gay bar just for being gay. He said it's straight people who have a problem with gay people and they have to take it out on them. Howard said that he's all for gay people. He said what they do doesn't bother him. He said as long as they're happy then it's good. Howard said it's such a terrible story for gay people getting called names and being harassed. Howard said go out of your way to be extra nice. Howard said that if you have a problem with gay people you might be gay and you're so closeted that you can't own up to it.
Howard said this organized religion is so fucked up. He said he hopes there is a god but he's not sure about it. He said if there is one then what happened to him? Howard said just look at him.
Howard said if you keep gay people repressed and in the closet they try to have a straight life and marry straight women. Howard said then no one is happy. Howard said his cousin Stacy was born so gay they knew at birth he was gay. Howard said he was born in Brooklyn and he went to high school in the 50s. Howard said he was a little older than he was. Howard said the guy was a nice guy and he didn't want to harm anyone. Howard said the guy overcame it and had a great life. Howard said he passed but he loves him very much. Howard said his mom tried to set him up with a guy back in the 60s. Howard said he remembers her doing that for Stacy. Howard said the guy wasn't into him but she tried. Howard said it wasn't a love match.
Howard said he saw the shit Stacy had to put up with. Howard said he was such a fun loving guy. Howard said he loved him until the day he died. Howard said he doesn't get together with a lot of family members. He said he was different and he liked him.
Howard said he hates this mother fucker asshole Pat Robertson. Howard played a clip of Robertson talking about lesbians and homosexuals and how it's only 1-2 percent of the population. He was also saying that they have ''infiltrated'' the universities and things like that. Howard said listen to that shit. Howard asked what the agenda is. It's just to be accepted. Howard said that's it. He said it's the same as you.
Howard said that he has a guy named Randy Weber crying over gay rights. Howard played that clip and the guy was going on and on about asking for protection for what we've done.
Howard said he has nothing but respect for gay people. He said they do nothing wrong and stop the nonsense. Howard had another clip of a pastor talking about how Beauty and the Beast forced homosexuality on kids. Howard played that clip and said they're stupid fucks thinking that a movie can turn people gay.
Howard said this fucking guy is on fire. He was talking about ''inter species breeding'' that was also in the movie ''Beauty and the Beast.'' Howard said he had to walk out of the movie because he almost turned gay.
Howard said he thinks his audience is a bright one. He said he thinks that he understands their struggle. He said he goes out of his way to say that. Howard said that some people think this stuff isn't going on but it is. Howard said there are still people yelling about ''killing the faggots'' out there. Howard said just be happy that there are some guys out there who don't want to fuck girls. Howard said it's hard enough for him to find a girl.
Howard said there's enough stuff out there for him to do than try to get rid of that problem. He said he's still working on getting rid of wind chimes.
Howard asked if they're doing a lot of lists. JD said that they're not doing that many. Howard said he thought they were doing a lot. JD said they have taken days off here and there. Howard said even if that's true it kind of ruins the bit. JD didn't know what to say. Howard thanked him for that. He asked how he's supposed to recover from that. JD laughed. Howard said he's buying into his list bit.
Howard asked what his explanation is. JD said he has none. He said he just can't talk. Howard said he just undid everything that he set up. He said he's going home. Robin said he gets no help from JD.
Howard said he was going to transition into Gary being on the phone and doing his own list but JD just undermined the whole thing. Howard goofed on JD about that a little longer. Howard said they were building and building and then JD ruins it. JD told him to just forget it. Howard asked what he wants him to buy into so he can undo it. Howard asked him to reveal that Ronnie isn't that horny.
Howard said he loves JD and couldn't love him more if he was his own son. Then he does this to his father. Howard said that fucking kid doesn't appreciate. JD said he does appreciate it. Howard said he's trying to put bread on his table. They played a JD song parody after that.
Howard said here's Gary with a list. He said it doesn't work anymore though. He said they have to get one from Gary but now it's ruined. Howard had Gary clips on the phone and he was talking about the albums he'd bring to an island with him. Howard said the whole thing is ruined.
Howard said that Gary wrote in his book that you know he's a big Bruce Springsteen fan. He said ''Fuck you'' like everyone knows what he's into. Howard said shut up to everyone. He said he's had it. Howard said he supports gay people but JD and Gary he only does under protest.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she appreciates him talking about the gay thing this morning. She said she is a lesbian. Howard asked what she looks like. She said she's not his type at all. Howard asked if she's fat. She said no. Howard asked who she looks like. She said maybe Justin Bieber. Howard made it sound like he was jerking off to that. Howard asked her to come up with a girl name. Howard asked what's going on today. He said the whole show is undermined.
Howard asked who she looks like that's a girl. She didn't have one. She asked Howard how he'd describe himself. Howard said he'd say Godzilla. Howard said he looks like Fran Liebowitz. The caller said he actually does. Howard said he also looks like Joey Ramone or Rhea Pearlman if she had cerebral palsy.
Howard asked the caller what else is on her mind. She said she was listening to Tracy Morgan the other day... Howard hung up on her. Howard said he tried to get sexual with her but she said she looks like Justin Bieber. Howard said he was semi hard and then she said Justin Bieber and now he has a piece of taffy in his pants.
Howard tried to take a call but the caller wasn't there. Howard said he has another list. He said this bit doesn't work anymore because of JD though. He said now he has Jon Hein with a list. He picked up the phone and had clips of Jon Hein reading a list of shows that jumped the shark. It was a clip from Jon's audio book. Howard had to hang up on that too. Howard asked who bought that book. He said Jon told him it was a best seller.
Howard wondered why JD did that. Robin said maybe he wasn't listening. Howard said JD said that they had gone lax on the lists. JD said they have skipped a day. Howard asked why he'd introduce that. Robin said it sounds like it's less than every day. JD said shocker, he misspoke. Howard said he had magic and then took it away. JD said he'll find something else then. Howard told him to leave it to him. JD said he'll do it. Howard said it's his show so it's not up to him. He said he assumed they were a team. JD said that's enough.
Howard played a promo for his FOX News musical. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from Chad from St. Louis who said he noticed a video of a gold medalist showing off her fat ass. Howard said it was a sexy picture but she looks like a little girl. Howard said he doesn't like when Olympians do that. Howard said they're our nation's heroes and they shouldn't behave that way. Howard said if he wanted to see that he's go to a stripper. Chad said he thinks he should be open to this if he's open to gays. Howard said he's not into this. He said things have gone topsy turvey. He said Olympians are cutting their cocks off and things are crazy.
Howard said the guys posted a picture of a young girl showing her ass. Gary said she was famous for not smiling and then she was shaking her ass with a thong on. He said people thought she had gotten hacked but she revealed she wasn't hacked. He said her name is McKayla Maroney. Howard said she looks so young and innocent and then that picture came out. He said she looks like a young girl from a Disney movie. Gary said JD was into her. Robin said she's 21 years old. Gary said she put out a video too. Howard said the picture upset him. He didn't see the video.
Gary came in with the video to show Howard. Howard said there are ways to get around not being treated like a little girl other than that. Howard said it was not a hot picture. He said it was disturbing. Howard checked out the video and said she looks like a little kid shaking her ass. Howard told him to get that out of there. Howard asked who would beat off to that. Gary said JD. Howard said he's starting to think there's something wrong with JD.
Howard said on FOX and Friends they were talking about the Miss USA pageant and one of the guys was saying he hopes one of the women sends him her number. Howard said they have to be careful over there. Robin said they don't care. She said they say all kinds of things about women over there. Howard played a clip of one of the guys saying that they should give one of the contestants his number. Howard said you have to be extra careful over there. He said they have a history of getting numbers and then saying you're going to rub a luffa on them. Robin said there was a whole culture over there at FOX and it's still going on. Howard played some edited Bill O'Reilly clips where he was saying some disturbing stuff.
Howard said he wants to compliment one of the guys there at Sirius. He said that Bill Cosby did an interview with someone there. Howard said his name is Michael Smerconish. Howard said Cosby is finally going to trial and Cosby is charged with drugging and molesting this woman in his home. Howard said she didn't even get a hotel. Howard said this guy Michael Smerconish got the interview and he has some clips. Howard played one where Cosby talked about not speaking in public for 2 years and laughing about it. Michael asked him about that and Cosby said he has not performed in over 2 years and hasn't spoken at a graduation or spoken to any incoming class. Howard said he's acting like that's a surprise. Howard said maybe he's going for an insanity plea. Howard said finally Cosby is funny to him.
Howard played another clip where Cosby said he won't testify in his case. He also said he can't speak about the case. Howard said that's not a surprise. Howard questioned Cosby as Michael Smerconish and asked if his fingers smell and things like that.
Howard said that Cosby was also hinting that he agrees with his daughter saying that he's innocent and racism played a role in this scandal. Cosby said ''could be'' but then said he can't say anything. He said some of it could very well be that. Michael pointed out that his accusers are both black and white. Cosby said when you look at the power structure there are some people who can be motivated by whether they're going to work. Howard wondered what the fuck that means.
Howard did his impression of Michael and Cosby talking and made up some wacky things he could have said. Howard said Cosby sounds pretty up beat for what he's going through.
Howard played another clip where Smerconish asked Cosby about why so many women have come out and said the same thing. Cosby said he thinks the numbers came because the numbers prior to the numbers didn't work. Robin said ''What?'' Howard let the clip play and goofed on Cosby rambling about this stuff. Smerconish asked if he's saying that they're all lying. Cosby said ''You know better than that.'' Howard did his Cosby impression talking to Robin. He said he has a new cartoon coming out called Rapey Albert. Howard said no allegations have been proven and blah, blah, blah.
Howard said they sent Wolfie down to a Cosby protest a while back. Howard said Wolfie had people cheering for Cosby as he walked in the court building. Howard played the audio of those supporters yelling out to him when they saw him.
Howard said that this guy says OJ is innocent and the Jews are to blame. Howard played a clip and the guy was talking to Wolfie about that. Howard said they asked the guy what his advice was for his accusers. The guy said that you don't say things that didn't happen and they should speak the truth and be open minded. Wolfie had the guy do his Cosby impression for him. It was awful.
Howard played another clip of Wolfie talking to a guy at the Cosby thing. That guy was supporting Cosby and saying that the white man is behind this. He said Cosby is too positive and they had to tarnish that name of his. Howard said that we're doomed as a society.
Howard said that this guy thinks that all of these women just want Cosby's money. The guy said leave the man alone and it's his money and he worked for it.
Howard had another clip of a woman saying that she thinks Cosby just wanted to have sex with these women and that's it. She also said he's too old to be arrested.
Howard said that was the local people hanging around in support of Bill Cosby. Howard said JD just told him that Bill Cosby is a nice guy and there's no reason for these accusations.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to stop with the Bill Cosby shit. He said it's bullshit. He said there's no way he raped all of those chicks. Howard asked if he has information. The caller said he's one of the most famous men in the world and he thinks these women are trying to have their cake and eat it too. Howard hung up on him a short time later. Howard said he's just reporting on this story. He said that he has to thank the Smerconish show for that interview.
Jim said that he found out a lot about North Shore from this thing. He said they're all over the place. Howard said Jim is very comfortable walking into the studio. He said his wife looks like she's scared out of her mind. Jim said they almost didn't get married because of Howard. He said that she wasn't sure that she could marry a man who likes Howard Stern. Tracy said she's a huge fan now. She said she wasn't in the beginning though. She said she didn't tell Jim that she listened for like a year. Jim said she eventually told him she loves Howard Stern. Howard said he does win people over. He said he's like water dripping on a rock.
Howard said if your boyfriend listens to him then marry him. He said the guy is normal. Howard said it's great that he won Tracy over. Howard said she's a real fan because he won her over. Tracy said she just knew what she heard on the news. Then she listened to the show and figured it out. Jim said they even turned her mom on to the show. He said they would watch the channel 9 show together. Howard said that they would put anything on that channel. He said that they were desperate. He said they couldn't get anyone to watch that channel. Then they went full out nuclear. Howard said they offered his syndicated show but people wanted to blow up the television station. Jim said even Tracy's mom liked it. Howard said the only sponsor he had was Snapple. He said that was some career.
Howard said they're going to do some news. He did a live commercial read first. After that he asked what Jim does for a living. Jim said he's sort of retired. He said that he's not totally retired but he's a manufacturing guy. He said he's 49 years old and he hopes that this can carry him through. Howard asked if he has ''Fuck you money.'' Jim said no. He said they have enough to get by. Howard said maybe he should go back to work. Jim said he goes back when he's scared. Howard said he won't tell him how to spend his money.
Robin read a story about flight attendants who have babies and have to pump during work so they can feed their babies breast milk. Robin asked if the airlines have to allow them to do that during a flight. Howard said he thinks he's okay with that. He said he's going with the ladies on this one. Howard said they have to give the women space to do that. Howard asked what the ruling was. Robin said the flight attendants are filing a complaint about this and there are two women who are filing sexual discrimination cases. Howard said Sirius has a pumping room. He asked Gary where that is. Gary said they're all trying to figure it out. He said they say it's right outside their main door. Then he said it's on the 37th floor. Howard said he's going to go visit that room. He said Ronnie uses it as his office.
Robin read a story about Serena Williams being pregnant and winning a tournament when she was 8 weeks pregnant. Howard said tell him something he doesn't know. He said he knows Robin loves tennis. Robin said she does. She said that there are many male stars but there are only really 3 women stars out there. Howard said he'd love to see Robin play. Howard asked if she loves tennis, green drink or big cocks best. Robin laughed and said that's not right to make her choose. Howard asked what the best is out of life. Robin said that's not easy. She said she has more juice than tennis. She picked that over tennis.
Robin read about Maria Sharapova being on a doping suspension. Robin said she was taking something that was not approved. Robin said she was away for about 15 months and she's coming back. Robin said she has no raking so she has been given some wild cards to get back into it. Robin said she was denied one by the French Open. Robin said there's really no reason to watch women's tennis.
Howard said there was a golf tournament and they got in a Baba Booey and a Hit 'em with the Hein. Howard played a couple of clips and one of them was a hole in one. Howard said that's a big deal. He said they got in both a Baba Booey and a Hit 'em with the Hein. Gary said it was all over the world. He said it was in a bunch of languages. Howard played that and asked if Robin heard it. Robin said she did but it was muffled. Howard said this one is better. He played another clip. The guy got in a Baba Booey and the announcer said they have to upgrade it to Hit 'em with the Hein at some point. Gary said that there's another one where the announcer got the Hit 'em with the Hein from someone and said that's what he's talking about. Howard said he has a million more to play next week. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin said they're now making babies from skin cells. Robin said they started trials with mice. Robin said they say they're looking to be able to do that for humans. Howard asked what happened to fucking. He said they used to come out of a nut sack. Howard asked if Jim and Tracy have kids. The have 2 girls. Howard said these two are fascinating. Howard said that he and Fred could have a child. He asked if Fred would do that. Fred said he can't carry it. Howard said imagine he has a baby with Fred. Robin said it opens up the possibility of gay couples having a baby where both of their genes are represented. Howard said he's going to make a baby out of Benjy. He said he'll scrape those gross red things on his face and get cells from them. He said they'll be the ugliest babies you've ever seen. He asked Gary to get him a cheese grater so he can get some cells. Howard said imagine how angry Beth would get if he had a baby with Fred. Robin said Mariann would probably carry it. Howard said they should just turn Benjy upside down and shake the skin off of him. Fred played the sound of a dog scratching.
Howard said Benjy wanted to come in and debate him on the Trump thing earlier. He said he told the guys to keep him outside. Howard said he knew the skin cells on Benjy were good for something. Howard said Benjy thinks there's something up with the charity winners. Howard wondered if he should bring him in. Robin said they can kick him out.
Howard told Jim and Tracy not to say anything to him. Howard let Benjy come in. Benjy came in and said they were talking and he thought the wife was very upset about something. He said he thought she was depressed. Howard said he knew this was a bad idea. Benjy said he likes the idea of having a baby from his skin cells. Howard said please don't send letters about not having Benjy in the studio again. Benjy said he doesn't like it when he treats him like this. Benjy said he was a very good looking baby. Howard said he and his kids were looking at baby pictures of him and they thought he was cute too. Howard said everything changed when he turned 12. Howard asked if it was cool meeting Benjy in person. Tracy said it was.
Robin read a story about L.A. Reid being let go because of sexual harassment accusations. Robin said that they know him. Howard said he's got a lovely wife. Robin said they say that his record company paid off some women over their complaints. Robin said he's out at Epic now. Fred played some Ronnie the Limo Driver clips after that.
Robin said Stephen Colbert is still winning in the late night ratings. Robin said that Jimmy Fallon still has the 18+ demographic. Howard said Jimmy was supposed to be in last week but then he was out sick. Howard said Colbert said Baba Booey in his monologue the other night. He played a clip where he used the ''Howard Stern's penis! Baba Booey!'' in a joke.
Robin read a story about Justin Theroux and Jimmy Kimmel are working on a TV series. Howard said he was with them and they said nothing. Robin said they're going to take old sitcom scripts from the 70s, 80s and 90s and reenact them on live TV. Howard said he had no idea. He said fine, leave him out of it. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Howard said he's glad those guys left him out of their brainstorming idea. Howard said he may have ruined it. He said he would have been a buzz kill. He said they know to keep him out of that.
Robin read a story about the reboot of Roseanne that's going to be on ABC. Howard said he heard the concept and he thinks it's going to be good. Howard said he's working on a show with James Corden and they're going to take the old racist cartoons and reenact them.
Robin read a story about how James Comey had some notes about Trump saying that he wanted any journalists with classified information to be arrested. Robin said Comey had to tell him it's already illegal.
Howard read some email about Chris Robinson being on the show yesterday. Howard had some of his racist cartoons ready to go already. He had a clip of Ronnie playing the part of Steamboat Ronnie.
Robin had some news about the rumors that Trump gave up some classified information to the Russians. Robin had some audio clips of some people commenting on that.
Robin read a story about North Korea and how people are saying that we have to send a message to them saying ''No more.'' Robin had an audio clip for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about how half of Americans want Trump impeached. Howard said it's not clear what's going on with him. He said it's more about allegations than what's going on with the country. Robin said the stock market is doing well and consumer confidence is up. Robin said maybe not paying attention to what's going on there will work. Robin said this is the highest it's ever been.
Robin read a story about John McCain talking about how close it's getting to impeachment talks. Howard said he knew this wasn't going to be good for Trump. He said you're held up to a whole different standard. Howard said this is what he was talking about when this all began. Howard said he had a great life and he got into this. Howard said he had the life people dreamed of. He said he could do whatever he wanted to do. He said this is a step down. He has to answer to people now. He asked who would want that. Howard said this weekend he wants to do nothing. He said he wants to sit and watch TV all weekend. Howard said he can't stand up to scrutiny. Howard said today he's going to take a nap and then talk to his psychiatrist and complain. Howard said he saw a report about Trump getting 2 scoops of ice cream while everyone else gets 1. He said that's a story and it must be driving Trump nuts. He said Trump fucked up. He said he asked him what he was doing when this all started. Howard said imagine the press is reporting on his weekend. They'd be talking about how he watched super hero shows all weekend. Howard said then he had dinner and went up and tried to jerk off to porn.
Howard said he's not changing his life for the presidency. He said he likes this 3 day a week schedule. He said he quit when he was running for Governor of New York. He didn't want all of this scrutiny. He said no one loved talking pussy more than Trump. He said he'd call Angelina Jolie a 6 on a scale of 10. He said he can't even have fun talking about that shit anymore. He said this isn't who this guy is. He said he knows the real Donald Trump and he was having a blast. Howard said it was a dumb move.
Robin read a story about how someone is working on a secret documentary about Trump's life. Robin said it's called Fahrenheit 11/9. Robin said they say that it may help dissolve his presidency.
Robin read about how Mike Huckabee was complaining about a skit they did on Saturday Night Live over the weekend because he felt it was sexist and misogynistic. Robin said Mike said that his daughter is capable of handling a lot more than that.
Robin said she read that Kimberly Guilfoyle is in talks to replace Sean Spicer. Howard was talking about that the other day. Howard said that they don't seem to bother her over at FOX News. He said he won't miss a press conference if she's the press secretary. Howard said he's never jerked off to a press conference before. He said she wears the hottest outfits. He said if she becomes the press secretary she'll have a glass podium to stand at. Howard said they might call it a Breast Conference if she's the press secretary.
Robin read about how In and Out Burger has been knocked out of the number 1 spot in California. Robin said 5 Guys has taken over that spot.
Robin read a story about a plane that went down in the Bermuda Triangle. Robin said they found some items floating in the water in the area and they're trying to figure out if the debris is from that plane.
Robin read a story about Amy Schumer breaking it off with her boyfriend. Robin said they are remaining friends. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard thanked Jim and Tracy for coming in. He ended the show around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.