Howard and the guys were back from their vacation this morning. Howard started the show talking about how they were gone for a whole week. He said people want to know what they've been up to. He said there is much to discuss. He said he didn't fall asleep until midnight so he wants to go back to sleep so bad. He said he's drinking coffee again this morning. He said he needs that caffeine lift. Robin asked why he's doing that again. Howard said he was having a reaction to coffee and his throat was dry so he stopped. He said he tried again for a week and he's back to drinking it again. He said he's all jacked up from it now. Howard said he is having Dunkin' Donuts coffee because he thinks Starbucks was the problem. Robin said he has to try Bulletproof coffee which is the new thing. Howard said no thanks to that. He said someone sent it to him and said it was real good but he's not going to get crazy with it. He's going to have a couple of sips and that's it.
Howard said the big story he was fascinated with was the death of Erin Moran. He said she played Joanie on Happy Days. Robin said the person who became more interesting in death to her was Aaron Hernandez. She said he had a gay lover that he left a message to. Howard said they're saying that's not true now. Robin said she loved that story.
Howard said that he's obsessed with Erin Moran because it came out she died of a heroin overdose. Robin said people were commenting on that. Howard said Scott Baio was commenting on it. Howard said everyone was talking about that and now if you don't tweet right away there's something wrong with your or something like that. Howard said Twitter probably got Trump elected. He said millions of people use it for news and yet they can't monetize it. He said he doesn't understand it. Robin said that's a poor business operation. Howard said everyone he knows uses it. Robin said they don't even have to advertise. Howard said he's not sure how it's not a money maker. He said even Ronnie is using it. He said he's like Cro-Magnon.
Howard said it turns out that Erin had stage 4 throat cancer and that's how she died. Howard said it wasn't drugs. He wondered how they got that wrong. He said it's terrible that they got that wrong. Robin said they didn't share that information with a lot of people. Howard asked how they put it in the paper without confirmation. He said she was let down by the press and the public.
Howard said then everyone is looking for a comment from Scott Baio. Howard said he would guess he didn't stay in touch with her. He said they may not have gotten along. Howard said Baio said drugs are a terrible thing. He said now Erin's brother hates him and it's turning into a saga. Howard said now the brother has released information about Baio saying that Erin told him that he has a small penis. Howard said you have to keep following this story. Robin said she's following the wrong Aaron. Howard said the brother says that Baio was so tiny he was barely a man. Howard said now Scott's wife is involved and defending the size of his penis. Howard said this all happened after Scott Baio made a statement during a radio interview.
Howard went over the story again and told Robin what Scott Baio's wife is saying about his penis. Howard said that she says that he was a Playboy and he had a lot of women who would disagree with what Erin's brother is saying. Robin said that doesn't prove he has a big penis. Howard said he's calling for Scott to come in there and show his penis to Robin. Howard said if Robin doesn't want to measure it he's sure Richard Christy will. Robin said she thinks this is a distraction for the pain people are feeling for this loss. Robin said she's hardly cold. Howard said he's not sure if she's even in the grave. Howard said maybe the two can have a sword fight in there. Robin said she's not sure how this honors her life.
Howard said George used to run around Central Park blowing strangers and he thought he was in the closet. Howard said that didn't slow him down at all.
Howard asked if Sal and Richard have ever had a sword fight. He said maybe they can do that now. Howard had some audio of George Takei doing an announce talking about how he doesn't always have cock on his mind because he's more of a balls man now.
Sal came in and said that Richard is the one who proposed the cock fight thing. He said he's not really up for it. Robin said this is the new and improved Sal. Howard said he has to pull out his sword and fight him. Sal asked how it even works. He didn't know how you win. Howard said maybe whoever blows their load first. Sal said there is no point in this. Richard had his cock out. Howard told him to look Sal in the face and say ''En garde!'' Richard did it but Sal didn't respond. He said it looks like a sweaty slug. Howard said he hopes no one steals this bit.
Howard asked if Sal is going to forfeit. Sal said he is. Richard said he's going to come over to him and smack the shit out of him. Sal said he might as well. Howard asked when he started backing down from gay stuff. Sal said he's not. He said he doesn't want to smack his penis against another penis. He said it's taking things too far. Howard said it's not gay. Richard said guys do that in locker rooms all the time.
Gary told Howard that Richard has a big announcement to make. Howard asked if Sal knows what it is. Sal said he just found out. Richard said he's going to be a father. He said he's going to have a young boy. Richard said they found out it's a boy. Robin said ''Wow!'' Howard asked if he's going to stop his drinking. Richard said he'll slow down.
Howard asked if Sal is freaked out by this. Sal said he's so happy for him. Howard said he's trying to have a sword fight with him and he's happy for him.
Richard said the baby is due around Halloween. Richard said that they didn't plan it that way. He said they just started trying and that's what happened. Howard said he heard it was conceived on the weekend of the Wing Bowl. Richard said it was. Howard said he's thinking of both the baby and Richard in diapers at a concert. Howard asked if it'll be Richard Jr. Richard said it's going to be named Carson Cain. He said his wife is a huge Eagles fan and she loves their quarterback Carson. Richard said he likes the name Cain.
Howard said he wants to know if Richard is going to be able to stop drinking. Richard said he doesn't go that crazy. Howard said he hears stories. Richard said it's going to be fine. Sal said that he's going to end up drinking a lot more in 10 years.
Richard said Sal is a great dad and he thinks he'll be able to learn from him. He said he raised some great kids. He said his wife is great too. Howard asked if he really thinks that. Richard said he has been around them. He said that Sal takes his kids to do stuff and he treats them like adults. Howard said to Sal they are adults. Howard congratulated Richard on that and he would recommend slowing down on the drinking. Richard said he already has. He said his wife can't drink so he's cut back.
Howard asked if he told his dad already. Richard said he did. He said his dad told him about a friend who was told the wrong sex and they bought all of the wrong stuff ahead of time. Howard did his impression of Richard's dad talking about that. He had Richard's dad talking about that and a bunch of other nonsense.
Howard said that they have Richard's dad telling them who is on the show today. He said on today's show they have Ike Barinholtz. Robin said Ike is showing up all over. She said he's getting a lot of movie roles. Howard said he follows Ike but he's always talking about the Trump stuff. Sal said he agrees. He said that all of these celebrities are all over the Trump thing. Howard said he hates it when he agrees with him.
Richard said there's a guy named Svengoolie who plays old movies and he's on Saturday nights on channel 3. He said Ike loves that guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to congratulate Richard. The caller said he wants to do that because he didn't announce it on Twitter. Howard said JD did what with his engagement. Sal agreed with Howard on that. He told JD to get in there. He said they can have a sword fight.
Howard thanked Richard for announcing it there too. He asked if Sal will have a sword fight with JD. Sal said he will. Richard said he thinks JD has a big cock. He said he imagines it being big and veiny. JD refused to come in. Howard asked if he thinks he's an idiot for announcing it on the show. JD said Richard is more of a team player than he is. JD said he fucked up so leave him alone about it. Howard asked if he would change things if he could go back in time. JD said he would.
Howard asked if Richard thinks his cock is big and thick. Richard said he does. Howard said JD sounds tired an angry about it. JD said he's done thinking about it. He said he's thought about it way too much. Sal said he never revealed his cock size on the show so maybe he can make up for that now. JD said he thinks it's about 6 inches. He said he may have measured it in high school. JD said he hasn't done the circumference. Howard said it sounds like a square block that's 6 by 6. Robin said now he can be JD Square Cock.
Howard asked if JD is grumpy this morning. JD said he knew this was going to happen. He said that he made him look like an asshole. Howard said he didn't know he was coming in to do that. He said he didn't know it was going to make it back to JD but it did. Howard said this wasn't about him. JD said he knows that. He said he's not mad at Richard. JD said he's done. Howard let Richard and Sal go after that. Howard said it proves that anyone can have a kid. Richard said he's the cocksman because Sal backed down from the sword fight.
Howard asked if JD got Gary into that event. Gary said he did. He said it was an amazing event. He said JD texted him that he had seats right up front but they sat at the wrong table. JD said he messed up and sat at the wrong table. JD said the VIP was for the journalists. He said they had to do the walk of shame to the other table. He said it wasn't really in the back but it wasn't up front. Howard said he heard about this and he ended up sitting at the same table as her spin instructor. JD said they were very nice people. Howard said that's some scene.
Howard asked JD how he got that wrong. JD said the card said M9 and they didn't tell them where to go so they went up and sat at table 9 but there was an issue with it so they moved. Gary said they wrote out the table numbers and they told him it was in the mezzanine. He said JD went right down to the floor instead. JD said they came over and said there was an issue. Howard said they must have tried not to embarrass him. JD said he apologized and moved.
Howard said imagine not getting a good seat at the Samantha Bee event. JD said they were great seats. He said he's not saying they weren't. Howard kept goofing on JD talking like he was someone there trying to figure out who that guy is sitting up front. Robin asked if he had touched anything like the place settings. JD said he thinks he had a glass of wine poured but he didn't drink out of it yet.
Howard asked if Samantha Bee was trying to get him into a spin class by sitting him with the spin class instructor. He said he wishes they would have left him at the good table. He said that would have impressed his fiancee. JD said she was impressed to just be there so it's all fine.
Howard asked how many people were at the table. JD said that it was kind of empty at the time. He said people were just starting to show up. He said he was there maybe 10 minutes. Robin asked if he had introduced himself at all. JD said they were all just standing around. Howard said they didn't think they were at the right table with JD sitting there.
Howard asked if Gary sat at the right table. JD said he did. Howard said that's funny that no one sat down when JD was at the table. Howard laughed about that. Fred played some JD song parodies during that discussion. Howard said he wishes he had a video of him doing that walk to the other table.
Howard did an impression of the woman asking JD to move. JD said she said there was an issue with table 9. Howard said he was the issue. Howard said she called JD ''the issue.'' JD said that's how it came out. Howard did his impression of that woman asking him to move. Howard was cracking up. He said they had a sweaty, mumbling issue at table 9. Howard asked who was there at that seat. JD said he couldn't tell from where he was sitting. Howard said there had to be a more diplomatic way to tell him he was in the wrong seat. Howard said they could have said they had a brand new table for him to give him a better view of the event. Howard said being up close is like missing the grandness of this event. Howard said that it's like tribal council telling JD to move.
Howard kept going with the woman asking him to move. Howard said he's not sure how the show went with Samantha Bee but he knows the JD show was good. Howard said he would have loved to have seen that. He said everything always backfires for JD. He said he shouldn't leave the house. JD said he tries not to. Howard said every time he steps out he has a problem. He said he went to a strip club and lost his entire tax return once.
Howard said everything backfires. Howard said he doesn't like that. He said they should have left JD in that seat. He asked how far back he was. JD said he wasn't in the back of the room but he was in an elevated area toward the back. Howard asked how long the walk was. Gary said it was the length of Constitution Hall. Howard said they could have given him some hiking equipment to get back there. Fred played foot steps while Howard was talking about that. Howard did his impression of JD asking if they were there yet. Howard said they found him the shittiest seat in the building. Howard said he won't be on camera. He had JD asking if they were almost there yet and Fred kept playing the foot steps. Howard said they stopped. Fred started them over again. Howard said that was just a rest stop. Robin asked if he got there before the event started.
Howard asked what the event was. JD told Howard what it was about and how Will Ferrall was there as George Bush. Howard said he's sure they could see it better on the monitors there. JD said they had lines and stuff that you had to read on the screen. Howard said he could probably see her better on the screen. JD said it's a whole thing and it was fine. He said it was great to be there. Robin said he got dressed up to watch TV.
Howard said the good news is that JD lost 4 pounds walking to his seat. Howard said he's looking svelte today. He said he walked 10,000 steps getting there.
Howard said he's guessing that he didn't get laid that night. JD said he's not getting into that. He said he's grumpy that Howard is spending so much time talking about it.
Gary came in with the seating chart. Howard said they sat all the way in the back. Gary said he was wondering where JD was and then he got a text saying they were at the wrong table. Gary said he didn't see him take the walk. Howard said he heard his feet were swollen for 2 days from walking so much that day. Robin asked if he was in s suit. JD said he was. Gary said that this was in DC and it was the hottest day there. Gary said he and Mary got there Friday night and stayed in a hotel. He said Mary asked him to text them asking if they needed a place to freshen up. Gary said he sent it around 12:15 and they said they changed in the car in the garage. Howard asked if JD drove. JD said he did. JD said he has driven here and there. Howard asked why he would have to freshen up if he doesn't wash his sheets for a year. Gary said JD is different now. Gary said that's sort of what happened to Richard too.
Howard said it sounds like a good event. Gary said it was great. Howard said JD hugged her. He asked if JD hugged her before the seating thing. JD said he did.
Howard asked if JD stayed there or drove right home. JD said they drove right home. He said they were home by about 10 o'clock. He said his fiancee had to run in a race the next morning. Howard said he cant think of a worse day. He said he should have said he wasn't moving. Howard said he should have stayed. Howard said this was on Saturday. JD said it wasn't too bad driving. He said they were afraid they weren't going to find a parking garage but they did.
Howard said he fucking loves JD. He said when he quits this business he wants to do a show with JD. He said they'll just talk. He said he and JD are going to be doing a show. He said he'll just be quiet and let JD talk. Howard said it would have been great if JD had put up a fuss about his seating. JD said he would never do that.
Gary said JD is so fun to hang out with. He said he loves that. He said his laugh cuts through the whole crowd. He said he was laughing a lot too. Fred played a song parody with a bunch of JD laughs in it.
Howard was making up what it would sound like with security at the event talking about getting JD away from that table. Howard was making the sounds of them using the radios to contact each other.
Howard said that the whole thing was suspicious because he was with a normal looking woman. Howard had them talking about how it looked like a hostage situation. Howard said his hoot might be a hidden message or something.
Howard said JD got dressed in a garage. JD said they just did it. Howard asked if he had his suit on a hanger. JD said he did. Howard asked if she put on her dress too like that. JD said she did. He said he was on lookout when she was changing. Howard said they probably saw that on security cameras. Howard said there must be footage from that garage. Howard asked if he knows the location. JD said no and told him to stop it. Howard kept going with the security people talking about what they saw going on.
Howard asked if they went anywhere else. JD said they stopped for some chicken from this place called Royal Farms. It's like a convenience store. Howard asked if the served anything at the event. JD said yes but it was like finger foods. Howard laughed. Howard said he had to stop off and get a nice chicken. JD said they knew the drive back was going to be long. Howard said they can spend the next 8 shows on this. JD said he's done.
Howard asked if it was a whole chicken. JD said it was her idea by the way. He said it was legs and thighs. JD said he didn't eat that much. He said he did drive while he was eating a little bit. Howard asked how he eats that while he's driving. JD said he had a napkin right there. Howard asked if she handed him the chicken. JD said kind of. Howard laughed. Robin said she's imagining the guy who has to clean the rental car after that. Howard said they probably had to hold his deposit because of that.
Howard asked if JD had to take a big, greasy shit after that. JD said no. Howard asked why Shuli wasn't there recording every minute. Gary said they said no recorders inside. Howard said this was in the car though. He said they could have done it there.
Howard said imagine all of this. He said he has to take a break. He asked if JD is happy they're back from vacation. JD said he's thrilled. Howard said he loves JD. He said maybe he could have stayed at a hotel. JD said that thought did cross his mind. He said they did it though. He said it was worth it.
Howard looked at the Royal Farms web site where they talk about how they have food, drinks, gas and diesel. Howard asked if it was better than KFC. JD said they're both very good. Howard asked if it was fried chicken. JD said it was.
Howard asked what they had for snacks in the car. JD said he drank some wine on Friday night so he didn't drink that much in the morning. Howard asked what kind of car he rented. JD said it was a Kia Optima or something like that. He said it was a nice car.
Howard and Robin were cracking themselves up talking about JD and the drive. Howard asked why chicken because he thinks a burger would be easier. JD said she likes chicken so that's what they got. Howard did a live commercial read after that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said this fucking guy is such a dynamic personality. Howard said he wants to sit there while Kelly is doing her thing. Howard asked how long it'll be before they hate each other. Howard said he knows that the Regis thing and Michael Strahan relationships went afoul. Howard said that it's hard not to like Ryan though. He said he's a very good looking guy so why hate him.
Howard said there's a lot to talk about. He said he talked about the Erin Moran's brother feud with Scott Baio. Howard said that's the greatest fight ever.
Howard took a call from Steve from Florida who asked how great it is that multiple networks are trying to get the revival of Roseanne back. Howard said Whitney Cummings is behind that. Howard said they're going to get the whole cast to come back. Howard said he's not sure what they have announced but it's a great concept. He said he thinks it'll be huge. Howard said he's not sure if they've released the idea yet. Howard said he knows the concept and it's fucking awesome. He said he saw Whitney recently. He said it's a really great idea.
Howard asked who they're doing it for. Jason said that ABC and Netflix are bidding for it. Howard said he's glad Steve brought that up. He said the idea is brilliant and it's funny. Howard said he doesn't want to talk out of school about it. He said Whitney is involved though. Howard said they ask him to not talk about stuff all the time and he doesn't know what he can talk about.
Howard said he started playing chess again and he thinks that's why he was up last night. He said he was going to play a long game which is a 45 minute game but you get 45 seconds back every time you make a move. He said he must have played for 3 hours with this guy and he lost. He said he made a dumb fucking move. He said his whole fucking day was gone from playing that game. He said he's sure Beth was annoyed by it. Howard said he thinks he was up replaying it thinking about how he could have won. He said every time he starts a hobby he ruins it for himself. He said even painting is like that.
Steve asked Howard who would run the board if Fred was out sick. Howard said they've discussed that before. He said Sal would do it. Howard let Steve go after playing a song parody about him.
They played a phony phone call to the angry radio guy using Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) clips. They played a song parody about that radio guy and a Lenny Dykstra clip where he talked about Arbor day and mentioned Robin.
Howard said he admires Lenny. He said that's how he made a baseball career. He said he was known as Nails because he was relentless. Howard said he's like water dripping on a rock. He asked Robin if she's feeling anything for him at all. Robin said not at all. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said Snoop Dogg was very eloquent. He said Pat Monahan was very good. He said David Letterman was great too. Robin said seeing Steve Perry was interesting. Howard said he was thinking maybe he doesn't have a singing voice anymore so that's why he won't perform with the band. Howard said Pat Monahan inducted Journey. He said they were all very civil. Howard said that they performed but not with Steve. Howard said he wouldn't go to a Journey show because Steve Perry isn't performing. Howard said he doesn't like Steve because he was a bit of a dick to him. Robin said he was a great front man though. Robin said this other guy is just there. She said he sort of sounds like Steve but he isn't a showman.
Howard said it was great to see David Letterman out there with Pearl Jam. Howard said Dave came in there and he had that big beard and it looked good in person. Robin said it wasn't even a looks thing. Robin said you don't expect Dave to be that witty droll guy in a beard like that. Robin said it got her thinking about him inside that beard.
Howard said Eddie Vedder was very eloquent there too. Howard said that band is so great. He said it was a good ceremony. Howard said he did fast forward through some stuff. He said he didn't care about Nile Rogers. Robin said he's a great producer. Howard said he doesn't give a shit. Robin said he's produced some great music. Howard didn't know. He said he didn't care and he just fast forwarded.
Howard said he can't stay up all night watching all of that stuff. He said he had to get through it. Howard said he saw some guy wearing a beret and he fast forwarded. He didn't have the time to learn.
Robin asked what he thought of Lenny Kravitz's tribute to Prince. Howard said it was okay. He said he was hyper focused on how good looking Lenny is. Howard said he had to go to the doctor and take out his earrings. He said he hadn't taken them out for like a year or two. Howard said Beth had to take them out. He said all of this junk came out of the holes in his ears. He said it was like candle wax. He said his wife almost threw up. Howard said he wanted to smell it. He said it didn't smell at all. He said his wife wanted to know why he wanted to smell it. He said he was just curious. He said he felt more in the hole in his hear and he had to squeeze it out.
Howard said he thought about how maybe he shouldn't wear ear rings anymore. He said Beth agreed. He said she was completely grossed out by it. Howard said it was disgusting. He said it was dark brownish in color. He said he should have photographed it.
Howard said he was thinking about this because Lenny had a bunch of earrings and he was thinking about how he looks nothing like Lenny. He said the guy is so good looking. Howard said that he was getting angry about it. Howard said if he did some of the moves he does people would look at him like he's just a spaz.
Howard said he knows Lenny has a huge cock and he's huge and veiny. He said he knows Lenny is a great guy though. He said he had to fast forward through the Lenny stuff because he got jealous. Howard said the guy was with Lisa Bonet and he had to leave her. Fred said he read that he has a pubic piercing. Howard said of course he does.
Howard said he hopes Lenny has really bad breath. He said he hopes it's like shit upon shit. Howard said he just wishes that's what it was like. He said the guy is so ridiculous. He said he thought about the earring thing and how even his guitar player looked cool.
Howard said the guys in Yes looked like accountants. He said they were really good though. Howard said one of the guys, Steve Howe, was all angry for them not putting then in the hall of fame. Howard said he was happy to see them getting in. Howard said they should have thanked him personally.
Howard said he can't imagine the women that Lenny has dated. He said he knows about some of them but imagine the women you don't know about. Howard said he's had it with Lenny. He said he even dresses cool. He said he can pull of the leather pants thing. Howard said he can't do that himself.
Howard played the clip of Bill O'Reilly talking on his podcast and welcoming people to his podcast. Howard kept starting it over when he's listen to Bill saying he misses his viewers. Howard said that he's now in the ''I'm fucked zone.'' Howard played the opening again and goofed on him about the way he opened the show. Howard said he can't go to Nobu anymore. Howard said it must be hard for him to hang out in the Hamptons now. Howard let the clip play and Bill talked about how there is ''much stuff'' going on right now so he can't talk much about it. Bill was talking about why he can't talk but he thinks people will be surprised. Howard said he thinks no stuff will ever come out. O'Reilly said he can't talk about this stuff because he doesn't want to influence the flow of information. Howard asked why not. Robin said he shouldn't say anything at all then.
Howard let the clip play and Bill said they will have a full week of news analysis there. Howard said he wouldn't make any announcement if he were him. Robin said he should have pretended nothing happened. She said he should have pretended he was still on TV.
Howard did his impression of Bill and goofed on him about what he was saying. He also had him interviewing his Royal Farm delivery guy. Howard said that Bill was doing the show in his underwear too. He said it's only for premium members who pay a fee for that podcast. Howard said he thinks Ike is there. He said he has to get to him. He was still doing the Bill O'Reilly impression though so he kept going with that for a minute.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who had edited clips of O'Reilly to say crazy stuff. They had him saying all kinds of wild stuff about what he wanted to do there at FOX when he was there. Howard asked Robin if she has any idea how much work goes into that. Howard asked O'Reilly a few scripted questions. Howard said it takes hours to get one sentence together. Howard said he has to go because Ike is there. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Ike Barinholtz is there. Howard said he's still thin. He said he became a good looking guy. He said he's very handsome. Ike said Howard isn't so bad himself. Howard asked if he lost weight for a role. Ike said he did. He said he got leaner for ''Suicide Squad'' too. Howard said Ike has said he has been smoking a lot of weed because of Trump. Howard said almost every tweet he has is about Trump so he feels like blocking him. Ike said he can't stop. He said if he stops ruining the country he'll stop tweeting about him.
Howard asked if a day goes by that he doesn't tweet about him. Ike said no. He said he gets up at about 5 every morning to pee. He said he went to get his prostate checked for the first time. He said his doctor put so much lube on his finger. He said it was so much lube. He said the doctor did his thing and gave him a tissue to wipe the lube out with. Howard said his doctor actually wipes him. Ike said he was good and didn't need to so he just slid around with it for a while. Ike said he misses Howard. He said he and his manager spend about the first 30 seconds and last 30 seconds of their phone calls just saying ''Noine.''
Howard said Ike's main gig is the Mindy Project. He said that is going off the air. Ike said he's kind of freaking out about that. Howard asked if he's done with it. Ike said they have one season left to do. He said it's going to be their 6th. He said he loves the show. He said when they were on network TV he was always worried about the ratings. He said that it's a terrible way to live. He said they were doing like 25 or 26 episodes a season too. He said that's something that Norman Lear created. He said that it was a lot of stress. Ike said he became a consultant after being a writer on the show. He said then he was just performing and doing less episodes. He said it was a great gig because you come in and you're not far from home. He said it was a fun family thing and now it's going away.
Ike said now he has to start a new show and go out to promote it. Howard asked if he can smoke weed and tape that. Ike said if he doesn't have heavy lifting. He said that he smokes because Trump is President. He said that's until Jeff Sessions shuts down the dispensaries. Howard asked what he was prescribed marijuana for. Ike said that he has ogida.
Howard said it's pretty amazing what they've done with that. He said you can go to a store to buy the stuff. Ike said it's so great. He said that he goes there and buys his marijuana. Howard said he hasn't done it. He asked what he buys. Ike said they have chocolate covered blueberries that he likes. He said he eats those before bed. He said he takes two and that puts him to sleep. He said the edibles are fine if you keep it to a minimum. He said he brought some cookies to the Mindy Project one day and Mindy doesn't do that stuff. He said he gave her one cookie and it was like one with M&Ms in it. He said he gave it to her and then he went to New York for press. He said he got a call from a guy on set who asked if he had given Mindy the edibles. Ike said he did and the guy said she took it while she was shooting and she went into her trailer and didn't want to come out. He said she was kind of freaking out. He said they had to let her sleep it off.
Ike said that story about JD at the Samantha Bee thing was so great. He talked about that with Howard for a short time. Howard said listen to the 7 o'clock hour if you want to hear that. Ike said he loves the show and the George Takei stuff. That came back around the Trump and Ike bringing up how Howard went through the Nixon stuff. Howard said that was entertaining. Ike said that these people have a thing for the people who made them outcasts. Ike said that George Takei announced he was going to go up against Dennis Nunes and then the next day it was announced it was an April Fools joke. Howard said George isn't funny. He said it wasn't even a good prank. Ike said he hates those kind of jokes. He said it's fucking stupid. Howard said it's like someone saying they're dying from cancer and then announcing it's a joke. Ike said he thought about how George can't run for congress because he groped a man in that studio. He jerked off Jonah Falcon.
Howard said Ike wrote a whole quiz for them to take on HowardStern.com. Howard said he can't even answer these questions. Howard had the list of questions that Ike wrote. Howard said he hasn't studied it so he's playing it legitimately.
Ike had the questions and played it like a game show. He asked Howard who sings the song ''I Want More Howard Stern.'' Howard didn't know. It was Stacy Rucker. Howard said he'll get every one wrong. Ike asked who Sal was the head of a fan club for. It was the Beastie Boys. Howard knew that one.
Ike asked Howard which guest walked out of an interview in the middle of it. Howard said it was Sly and the Family Stone. Ike said this was a woman and it was more recent. He said she was sitting there and they were taking calls. Howard didn't remember that. Fred said maybe he can give him a hint. Howard said no to that. Robin had a couple of guesses. Robin said Amy Fisher or Rachel Hunter. Ike said it was Amy Fisher. Ike said that Rachel didn't come in. Howard said he called her a cunt too.
Ike told Howard to name 3 original members of the Howard 100 news team. Howard said Steve Langford. Howard said Bubba was part of the original. Howard said so was Brent Hatley. Howard said Lisa G was in there. Howard asked who else was in there. Ike named a bunch like George Flowers and Ralph Howard.
Ike asked Howard who was in the studio for the big gay dance party. Howard said Jon Stewart was. Howard said he danced with Gary. He said the theme was Officer and a Gentleman. Howard said that was some show. He said that was high level stuff.
Howard said Ike's career seems to be going fine. Howard said he was in the movie Sisters with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. Ike said that he just messaged Amy and she said to say hi. Howard asked if he's networking with Tina Fey. Ike said he's just going to go say hi to her. He said that he might drop off some scripts too. Howard said he had Alec Baldwin in there and he talked about how he fell in love with Tina working with her. Howard asked Ike if he did too. Ike said he does with everyone he works with. He said ''Hi Fred'' like Angry Alice.
Ike said that he works with so many creative, smart women and he's attracted to that. He said he ends up going back to his hotel room and watching porn instead. He said he recently turned on porn and it all sucks now. He said it's all incest. Howard said he loves that. He said he saw one last night. He said they hire this girl to do an interview with a girl who wants to get into porn. Howard said they all touch each other and then they bring in a guy and they do stuff with him. Ike said he tuned in to see something and it was all about mom fucking son or brother making sister cum. He said he wondered what world they're living in. Howard said they always make it clear that it's a step mom and not a mother and son. Ike said if you are a 42 year old step mom and you fuck your 25 year old step son that is bad. Howard said it's not biologically not wrong. Ike said he's really threading the needle there. Howard said it really is wrong now that he thinks about it.
Howard said he saw one where a step mom gave her step daughter lessons on blowing her son. He said that is wrong. Ike said he fucked his step mom and it took years of therapy to get through.
Howard said the movie that Ike is in with Amy and Tina grossed over $100 million. Ike said it did well even though it came out against Star Wars. Howard said he heard there is spill over because there are so many people seeing Star Wars that they can't get in.
Howard said Ike did the movie ''Neighbors'' and ''Neighbors 2.'' He heard he did a graphic sex scene in that movie. Ike said that was in the first Neighbors. Ike told Howard about what was going on there. He said that he did a scene with Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman walks in and catches him but then stars sucking his dick. Ike said they shot this for like 2 hours with Megan and Nick. He said it was fucking crazy. He said he had her legs up on his shoulders and he was doing all of this stuff with this fake dick that Nick had on. Ike said he thought this was going to be so great but then he gets the call that they cut the scene. He said the three way was cut from the film because test audiences hated it. Ike said he thought he as going to steal the movie with that scene.
Howard asked if it was a fun thing to shoot. Ike said it was because they're such a cool couple. He said that she was wearing a night gown. He said he was touching her ass a bit. Ike said it was weird because it felt like a nice ass. He said then he had his hand on a giant dick and that felt weird.
Howard said that Ike wrote the movie ''Central Intelligence'' and it made $216 million. Howard asked if he's a super successful writer now. Ike said they're working. He said they wrote that in like 2009. He said he has a partner named Dave Stassen. He said they have an office at Universal that they write at. Howard said Seth Rogen has a nice office. Ike said he just saw him. He said he's shooting one called The Pact and these parents find out their daughter is going to lose her virginity and they all freak out and try to stop it from happening. He said John Cena is in the movie too. He said that he's with Leslie Mann in the movie.
Howard asked about writing ''Central Intelligence'' and if they wrote it for Dwayne Johnson. Ike said that hey wrote it for Ed Helmes and Danny McBride but then people kept dropping out and coming in. He said that it eventually went to Kevin and Dwayne. Ike said they went to the press junket and that's when you find out how little they care about the writer. Howard said that he came up with the whole thing. Ike said the WGA might go on strike. Howard said that he doesn't want them to because he needs The Walking Dead to be on time this year. Howard said he has to have that show back on the air. Ike said that they have to go on strike because they need a pension.
Ike did his impression of Kevin Hart at the press junket. Ike did an impression of Scott the Engineer and then one of Will the Farter. Howard said that's a good one. He said he's right up there with the Sour Shoes stuff.
Howard asked if the studio is happy for the movie Central Intelligence making it. Ike said they are. He said he credits the director for getting it done though. He said that he and Dave are still writing movies together. He said they're writing something for Amy Poehler right now. He said that they were asked to do that. Howard said he looked up Ike on the internet and they say he's only worth $400,000. He asked how that can be possible. Ike said he had to block Ronnie on Twitter. He said he was in bed with his wife and two baby daughters. He said they're 4 and 1. He said he was looking at the news and he clicks on Ronnie and it's a photo of a 52 year old woman with like giant fake tits and totally shaved. He said Ronnie wrote something about it being a good morning or something. Ike said he was looking at this shaved beaver and he looks at his baby daughters it's just too much. He said he's making him look at porn.
Ike said that he went to the dentist and he told him that he should get that Invisalign to fix the gap in his teeth. He said he told the guy he didn't want to because he's kind of famous. He said the dentist asked ''you are?'' He had to explain what he had been in and the guy hadn't seen most of the stuff he brought up.
Howard asked Ike about doing ''Suicide Squad.'' Ike said he got the job but he had to sign and NDA and not say anything about it. He said some blog wrote about how he as playing a character that he wasn't going to be playing. He said they wrote that he was playing Hugo Strange but he wasn't and he wasn't allowed to tell anyone he wasn't playing that character. He said all of these people came up asking for his autograph and he had to tell them they were going to be really let down when they see the movie.
Ike said he played a guard for The Joker and Jared Leto kissed him on the lips in a scene where he didn't expect it. He said that he threw in a lot of weird shit. Howard said that movie made like $740 million. He said he's in some big movies.
Ike said he's in the movie ''Snatched'' with Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn. He said he was in love with Goldie when he was a kid. Howard said he thinks he jerked off to her back in the Laugh In days.
Howard asked if he got to hang out with Goldie and Kurt. Ike said he did. He said he was on the set for just a couple of weeks but he got to hang with them.
Howard said he's in a movie called ''Bright'' with Will Smith too. Ike said it's like Training Day but with aliens. He said it's fucking crazy and weird. Howard said he must be worth a lot of money. He said he works in these huge movies. Howard said he has to be worth more than 400,000. Ike said it might be 405,000.
Howard said that he's doing so many movies and he's not sure how he has time for family. Ike said he has small parts in movies like Felt. Ike said that movie is about the Watergate thing. He said Liam Neeson is playing Felt. He said that Liam loves Howard too. Howard said he is a great guy. Ike said Schindler's List is such a great movie. Howard said he won't see that movie. Ike said it's so good. Howard said he just gets upset by it.
Howard asked Ike about working with Liam Neeson. Ike said he's like the best actor ever. He said he's a serious dramatic actor. He said he gets there and it's his first scene and Liam is playing the head of the FBI and he's a street agent. He said he has to be mad at him. He said he did it in a way that was kind of angry and it felt good. He said he did take 2 and got angrier. Ike said he did it angrier and yelled at Liam Neeson. He said then Liam tells him to hold on. He said Liam tells him that he has to remember that he's his boss in this movie and he's being rude to him. He told him not to be fucking rude to him. Ike said he did it the right way and it was the proper way. He said the guy gave him the right note. Howard said some actors would be resentful but not Ike.
Ike said they did another scene with Liam and it was taking all day. He said they shoot everything but him during that day. He said Liam comes up to him and tells him to just remember that the camera will be on him in the theater. Ike said he told him he knows that. He said the guy is a beautiful guy though. Howard said he got to work with a legend.
Howard asked where Ike stands with Steve from Florida. He said he knows Ike listens to the show a lot. Ike said he loves Steve. He said that he loves his segments because they're so boring and stupid. He said Steve has a pattern where he has a 2 prong thing. He said he has one about radio and one about Beth. He did an impression of Steve asking a question about radio and then one about Beth and what kind of thong she wears.
Howard asked Ike about Twitter and if he's friends with JD on there. Ike said he is sliding into his DMs. He said he DMs with him a couple times a week. Ike told Howard which song about JD he liked. Fred tried to find it.
Ike asked if Howard is going to go to JD's wedding. Howard said it depends on where it is. He said if it's a destination wedding he won't go. Fred played the song parody that Ike mentioned. It was an Eli Braden masterpiece.
Howard said that Ike is going to be in the movie Snatched with Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn. It's opening on May 12. Howard asked if he steals the movie. Ike said no but Goldie Hawn is so great in it. Howard said he has a screener. He said Amy is coming in on Wednesday. He said he should watch it but he has a lot going on. He said he will watch it because he is curious. Ike said it's a comedy and it's a great thing at this time in this country.
Howard said there are a lot of people who think Trump is doing a good job. Ike said that 93 percent of his supporters might be happy about what he's doing. He said that he wants to be on the record and wants people to look back and say Ike Barinholtz was fucking right. Howard said Liam Neeson just called and said that he's going overboard with that. Howard said Ike has done it again and he's done a great job. Howard wished him luck with Snatched.
Ike said he wants to play Win Fred's Money next time he's in. He said he's not smart but he knows shit. Howard said Fred knows everything. Howard said Fred is rarely lost. Howard said that's a deal though. He said he can come in and play. Ike said he's in. Fred said then he'll take on Liam Neeson. Howard said he predicts that one day soon his dentist will know who he is. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Kelly Ripa made her big announcement this morning. He said she was breathless. Howard played a clip of her making the announcement about Ryan Seacrest. Howard said it was either him or Scott Baio. Howard said he's not giving up anything. He said he just takes more and more jobs. Howard said he was wondering how he does a radio show in L.A. and the TV show. Howard said he talked to a friend who told him he's going to do the TV show and then the radios how. He said he's pre-taping the first hour of his radio show though. He said it's very Rick Dees-ish. Howard said then he'll jump off and do his live radio show and his stuff at E!. Howard said the conversation will be scintillating. Howard played a clip of Ryan talking about finding out about the job offer there with Kelly Ripa.
Howard said the weird thing is that they looked up Bill O'Reilly and a book he wrote in 1990 or so. He said he wrote about a detective and this is him reading his own book. Howard said this is everything he was up to. Howard played a clip from an audio book where Bill was reading this love scene. Howard said he has another passage where he sounds like he's doing that thing he got accused of doing to a woman. Howard played that and said it's like if Bill Cosby wrote a book about drugging and raping 50 women. He said this is fucking crazy.
Howard asked who would listen to this book. He said he put music in there. Howard said it's an audio book. Howard said he remembers when he wrote this too. He said he wrote it without any dirty words in his erotica. Howard said what a fucking nudnick. He said then he writes books about morality and treating everyone with respect. He said that's fucking crazy.
Howard got back to the Ryan Seacrest clip. In that clip Ryan talked about how he had to keep it a secret but he wanted to tell friends. He said that people thought he was coming out of the closet or something. Howard said finally Kelly has a co-host. Robin said her head was spinning from all of the people.
Howard said Ryan is an excellent choice to take over for when Kelly retires. Howard said all of show business is abuzz. Robin said he is the new Dick Clark. Howard said he's a much more provocative numbskull. Howard said everyone will tune in for that. He said his radio show actually does have ratings. Gary said the NY Times says he'll do the show starting at 6am and some of the show will be pre-taped. Howard said Gary doesn't listen to this show. They talked about that. Howard said sometimes Gary will come in and tell him he wanted to say something during the show but he holds off. But this he interrupts for. Gary said he was out talking to a publicist and someone told him he should tell Howard about that because it was important. Howard said maybe that person should listen to the show then. They played a song parody about Gary after that. Howard asked if Gary has anything to say about the Bill O'Reilly tapes. Gary said he doesn't.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to complain a little bit. He said that things are tough right now and Howard hasn't had any Trump supporters on. He said he'd like to hear some people who support Trump. Howard said he sounds sort of like the lead singer of Journey. The caller said he wishes he was. Howard said he doesn't book guests based on who they like. He said that he would have Scott Baio or Ted Nugent or Kid Rock on. Howard said they book guests and he has no idea what their political views are. Gary said Rob Schneider is a big trump supporter but he didn't talk about it. Howard said Sal and Ronnie are big Trump supporters. He said they're there. Howard said that he has a celebrity interview and if they're for Trump they can say it. Howard said he's not responsible for people's political views. Howard said the whole country is so polarized. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard said he keeps thinking about that Bill O'Reilly podcast clip he played earlier. He said it's like the wind has been taken out of his sails. He said he's all self conscious now and he's not arrogant like he was. Howard said he says the truth will come out. Howard said he settled those cases though so he doesn't want the truth coming out. Howard said he sounds different on that podcast. Howard played the ''Hey I miss you guys'' clip again. He said he doesn't miss anyone. Howard said he's a broken man now. Howard let the clip play again and talked about how different he sounds.
Howard said that Bill once came up to him after he started at Sirius saying that he was going to do him a favor and let him come on his show once a week.
Howard let the podcast clip play through again and goofed on him again for a few minutes. He let the clip play through longer than he did earlier.
Howard said he's not sure if he should do the news or talk about Trump. Howard said he should save that for tomorrow. He said he got like 50 headlines in his Google Alerts. He said he has a bunch that said he was right about Donald Trump. Howard said he knows Donald but he's not an insider. He said Donald came to his wedding and he went to Donald's wedding. Howard said he had said he knows Trump's life and he's seen it up close. He said that he had the life that politicians want. Howard said he has a hot wife, fame from a number 1 TV show and he has Mar-A-Lago where he can go for vacation. He said he has the life that everyone wishes they could have. Howard said people were always friendly to him and people liked him. He said he had the life.
Howard said he would do everything he was offered years ago. He said he didn't know he had to do a ton of work and wait for Heidi Klum and Mel B to get ready. He said Trump thought that he could be President. He said he went out and people loved him. He said that he had no fucking idea the shitty life he was going to have. Howard said politicians go into politics as a profession. Howard said Trump was able to wake up and just shit on some people or go read a book or do whatever he wanted to do. Howard said then he can go to Mar-A-Lago and have a fantastic lunch. Howard said you can't imagine the life this guy had. Howard said he has a personal helicopter that has a huge cabin in it. Howard said he rode in it. He said it was like what God travels around in.
Howard said the closest you'll ever get to heaven on earth is having the things Donald Trump has. Howard said now people are criticising him. He said if he wants to get some side pussy he can't even do that. Howard said he had it all. Howard said as a goof he ran for Governor and quickly got out. He said he was afraid he'd win.
Howard said he said all of this about Trump and people were criticizing him about it. Howard said Donald Trump did an interview and you could tell right away that he's not happy. Howard played a clip and Trump said he liked his previous life. He said this is more work than his previous life. Howard said when you're 70 you don't want that. He said this isn't what he signed up for. Trump said he thought this would be easier. He said he misses his previous life and this is more work than what he used to do. He said he doesn't mind working though.
Howard said he read all of these headlines about what he said about Trump and how he was right. Howard said he was at Mar-A-Lago and he saw what this guy had. Robin asked if anyone has the ability to foresee the consequences of their actions. Howard said no one wanted Hillary to win more than Trump. Howard said Hillary is trying to get the Trump life. Howard said you want to win though.
Howard said he's not trying to criticise Trump. He said he's just telling it the way it is. He said he had to wait around at America's Got Talent for Mel B and Heidi Klum to get ready to do the show. He said that when you get up there in age you're supposed to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Howard said that's all he wanted to say. He said now they can get to some news.
Robin read a story about Alex Jones and how he's going through a custody battle for his kids. Robin said he claims that he was a performance artist. Robin said he's losing primary custody and the ex-wife is getting joint custody. Howard took a call from one of the guys in the back who was doing an Alex Jones impression. Howard lasted about 10 seconds with that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's not right about Trump. Howard said he is right. The caller said the reason Trump is doing this stuff is because he loves this country. Howard said he's missing the point of what he said. Howard said what he was saying is that at the end of the day Trump is trapped in the White House. The caller said he's not trapped. Howard said what he said is if he was Trump he would create a health crisis and resign over it. The caller said Trump is looking to fix the problems that Obama created. Howard said he's not disagreeing with him but what he's not understanding is that he thinks he misses his old life. The caller kept arguing and Howard said he has to get off the phone. Robin said the guy isn't arguing the same argument. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Caitlyn Jenner who did an interview with Diane Sawyer. Howard said he wanted to have her on the show but they were off so they weren't able to get her in there. Gary said she wants to come in and she would have come in last week if they were there. Howard said she was up there at Sirius and Sal and Richard took a picture with her and said told her that she's such an inspiration to him. Sal said he was just being polite. Howard asked why he'd say it if he didn't mean it. Sal said he was trying to make her comfortable. Sal said she is an inspiration in a way. Howard asked if he would fuck her. Sal said no way. Gary said that Sal is the one who said he was the whit devil to Russell Simmons. Sal said he was calling himself the white devil.
Howard asked if he told Caitlyn about being hypnotized and having his cock disappear. Sal said he didn't. Sal said Caitlyn isn't an inspiration to him but maybe to other people she is. Robin said he can't speak for those people. Sal said he can. Howard said Sal should be working and not going out there waiting on line to speak to her. Gary wondered why he'd pick her over all of the celebrities they have here. Howard said he doesn't know why he's talking to any celebrities there. Howard said he has to come clean and tell the truth. JD said Sal walked away. Sal came back and said that he didn't show the picture to anyone but he made it his wallpaper on his computer. Sal also told Howard he's a huge inspiration.
Robin said Bill Cosby says that he's blind and his youngest daughter wrote an essay where she defends her father. She said he did have his affairs but that was between him and her mother. Robin said that she's glad that they did. Howard said he felt bad for the daughter. Howard said that's not something you want to be defending your father over. He said he's glad his father wasn't a rapist. That led to him doing an impression of his father and mother talking about being on trial for rape. Then Ben said he wants go to Nathan's for his 3 hot dogs and fries. Howard had his father asking who the woman was on the line and his mother saying that it was Robin. Howard had his dad not understanding half of what they were talking about. Robin would ask questions about the trial and Ben would say ''What?'' and Ray would have to repeat the questions. Howard said he got into an argument with his mother about something and she asked him not to talk about it on the radio. He said he has to honor that but it's such a great story that they'll never hear. Howard said his mother knew enough not to tell him.
Robin read a story about the White House Correspondents dinner that went off without the President. Howard said that was kind of lame. Robin said it wasn't as fun this year. Robin said the Daily Show's Hasan Minhaj was the host. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play. Robin said she heard that the President is thinking about changing the Libel laws so he can sue the press.
Robin read a story about how he was driving home the other day and he kept getting hit by chicken bones. He said he thinks he was stuck behind JD's car. Howard said that image is so disgusting that he's not sure what to do with it.
Howard said Gary was the biggest celebrity there at the White House Correspondents dinner. Gary said he got the seat he always gets. He said every year the press would be there but this year he walked in and they all asked to take his picture because they hadn't taken pictures in 15 minutes.
Robin said it was another big day for Gary yesterday. It was Record Store day. Robin said they say that vinyl is alive and well. Howard said he went to visit his daughter on the West Coast and she made him dinner. Howard said he was very emotional seeing her all grown up. He said they had a record player and they were playing vinyl. Howard said it was so cute when she did it. Howard said when Gary does it it's not cute. Howard said he wished he had saved his records for her. Howard said they're into vinyl. He said he thought it was adorable with her. Howard told Gary to give her his vinyl collection. Robin read more about the sales of vinyl going up last year. Robin read about some of the best selling artists.
Howard said maybe it was cute on her because she doesn't talk about it ad nauseam. Howard said Gary won't shut up about it. Howard said Gary even has a vinyl record adapter necklace.
Robin said there's a doctor who is planning a head transplant. Robin said that this doctor says he won't be doing it on a man he has been treating for 2 years. Robin said the Russian man suffers from a muscular disease. They're going to do the Chinese man instead because it's easier to get a donor there. Howard said what he wants to do is put George Clooney's head on his body. Howard said he thinks that's pretty great. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about 20 people being injured when an airplane hit turbulence. Robin said this was about 40 minutes before landing. Robin said it was going from Russia to Bangkok. Robin said some people had broken bones. Robin said 3 babies were injured when they were flung from their mother's arms.
Robin read a story about President Trump and had some audio of him talking about his first 100 days in office. She had some other audio of people talking about the state of our relationship with Russia. She had some other Trump related news as well.
Robin read a story about a couple of Muslim kids who were beaten for trying to steal some cows for slaughter. Robin said this was over in India. Howard said he was in California hiking and he saw cows and he can't eat them. He said they're so friendly. Howard said he just can't do it. He said there's plenty of food to eat. You don't have to eat cows or pigs. He said he's sorry but that's just his feeling. He said he has a friend who has bacon every morning.
Robin read about how the new Fast and Furious movie going past 1 billion dollars globally already. Robin said that she doesn't get it. Howard said he's a pretty mainstream kind of guy but he's tried to watch some of them and he can't. He said Ronnie loves it. He said it's really light on story. He said Vin Diesel is like a super hero. Jason said he loves the movies too and they always let Vin win in the end. Howard said The Rock would beat the shit out of him. Jason said he always comes out the winner in these movies. Howard tried to guess what the relationship is like between Vin's character and Dwayne Johnson's character. Jason helped him out with that. Howard said it's amazing that they made over a billion dollars.
Robin told Howard that Caitlyn has mentioned she got the surgery and she'll never talk about it again. Howard said he thinks she will.
Robin read a story about some fashion gala that's going on. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show talking about it being another beautiful morning in New York. He said things are getting warmer so it puts him in a better mood. Howard introduced Robin and Fred played the music she recorded in Peru. Howard said she thought to record this. Robin said she had never heard anything like it. Howard said she actually recorded it in Guatemala. Howard said she's a world traveler so she can't be expected to remember everything.
Howard said he has at least 4 Wack Packers on the phone. He said he's not sure what's up. He said Steve From Florida, Ass Napkin Ed, Jeff the Vomit Guy and Jeff the Drunk are all on the line. Howard said he has a lot to talk about so he has to get through them.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Vomit Guy. Howard said he heard he's been calling the office every day non stop asking people to vomit on him. He said he has to tell him that it's weirding people out. Jeff said he's so sorry that he's politically incorrect. He said he doesn't mean to get men there. He said he gets interns there. Howard said for those who don't know Jeff is the guy who called many years ago asking people to vomit on him. Howard said with the internet you'd think he could find someone. Jeff said he doesn't' have a computer himself. He said if he goes to the library then he gets blocked. Howard said maybe try the Today show or Kelly and Ryan Seacrest.
Jeff said he has a security pass still from 2002 when he was at the Crazy Cabbie and Stuttering John fight. Howard cut him off and said there is no porn site involving vomit out there. He said he believes that Jeff is the only one. He said there is no support group for this. Jeff said it's very underground. Howard said it's so one of a kind. He said he admires that but not for this. Howard said maybe he can volunteer at a hospital where people vomit. He said he heard that he follows women home from bars saying that he'll help them get through the night after getting drunk.
Howard asked Jeff how old he is. He's 59. Howard asked how many women have done this for him. Jeff said he's only had about half a dozen. He said he approached one woman who was about to hurl and he offered his services to her. He said he just let her vomit in a bucket. He said he doesn't have to have them vomit on him. He said after that he goes home and masturbates. He said he likes the chunky vomit. Jeff said he was out on a train one day and saw a young couple on the platform and saw them throwing up. He said he intentionally went back to the station and he saw the vomit. He said the people were gone but he stood there analyzing the situation and how it might have happened. He said it was very tantalizing.
Howard asked Jeff if he replays those 6 women in his mind. Jeff said he does. Howard asked what the best smell is for him. Jeff said he likes the pungent style smell. He likes the rotten egg smell. Howard said he also heard that he lost his front teeth. Jeff said that's not true. He said he had some rotted teeth that he had pulled. He didn't lose all of them. He said that's another misconception. He had 6 or 7 pulled over the years. He said he didn't have any of the front teeth pulled. Howard said Shuli is making that claim. Jeff said that's not true.
Howard said all he has is his two front teeth. Howard saw a picture. Jeff said he saw him months ago outside. Howard said he doesn't want to get caught up in his teeth.
Robin asked if he has had counseling. Jeff said he has but they don't understand it. He said they're curious by it but they see that he's very determined.
Howard said they have had him on the show for 17 years and the have a hard time getting women to vomit on him. Howard said it's not easy. Jeff said that he thinks there might be some bulimic women out there who are willing to do this. He said they might go about their bulimic ways and use him for their fetish. Howard said his ultimate fantasy is to have a bullimic girl vomit on him. Jeff said it can be any girl who has the stomach flu or something.
Jeff said he's been with one woman since 1997 and she's very accepting of him. He said she's in a nursing home though. Howard said he's had enough. He said that if he has anyone contact them he'll get in touch. Jeff said he has an email address. He said it's JeffTheVomitGuy@gmail.com. Robin asked how he gets email if he doesn't have a computer. Jeff said he has friends who will check it for him or he can get texts. Howard asked if he has so little money that he can't afford a computer. Jeff said he plays the lottery to try to win money. Howard said he should go to a game that gives you some odds. He said the lottery is a big waste of time. Howard said he's never going to win it. Howard asked how much he's put into it. Jeff said in the past 20 years maybe 200,000 dollars. Howard said he should gamble in the stock market instead. Jeff said he gets benefits since 1987 and that's where the money goes. He said he pays his bills on time. Howard asked how he affords to feed his birds. Jeff said all 9 are taken care of. He said he has enough money to take care of his cat and his birds.
Howard asked Jeff when he takes his money and puts it in lottery tickets he might as well just throw it out the window. He asked how much he's won. Jeff said he won $6,000 once. Howard said he has to think about that. He said he's put 200,000 into it and won 6,000. Jeff said he's strongly motivated on his convictions and beliefs. He was back on the vomit thing. Howard said he's fascinated by the gambling.
Howard asked why he's the smelliest Wack Packer according to Richard Christy. Jeff said he doesn't know. He said he has a cat so maybe it's from that. Jeff said he washes his clothing. He said maybe it's from the spicy food he eats. Howard said Richard is their smelliest employee so he would know. Howard asked if he walks around with vomit rubbed on him. Jeff said he doesn't do that. He uses deodorant and soap. Howard asked if he brushes his two teeth. Jeff said he has more than 2 and he does brush them. Jeff said he has his lowers.
Howard said Richard says he smells like vomit. Jeff said he doesn't remember the last time he saw him. Howard said if anyone is interested in this they can contact Jeff. Howard said now he doesn't need to call every day.
Richard came in and said he will never forget the smell coming off of Jeff. He said it's like the smell of a kid who pukes in school and they throw the sand on it. He said that's what it smells like. He said it wasn't a mouth thing. He said it was a body smell.
Howard wrapped up with Jeff and let him go. He wished him luck with his search. Jeff said he could use some magic in his life. Howard asked if he has ever figured out what triggered the fetish. Jeff said at a young age he saw a girl in his peer group throwing up at the end of the school day and he was just very intently enthusiastic about it. He said this was in 1963.
Howard asked what entertains Jeff. Jeff said he likes the movie The Birds from the 60s. He said there's a vomit scene in that movie. Howard said he didn't know that. Jeff said it's Shirley McLaine who takes an overdose. Howard asked what movies he sees because that's from a long time ago. Jeff said he saw ''Gravity'' and that was the last one he saw.
Howard let Jeff go and played a commercial parody about Jeff. They went to break after that. As they went to break they played a clip of JD reading a tongue twister.
Howard said sometimes they'll pay her for doing work for them and she likes that. Howard said she goes out and wastes that money on some horse shit. Robin said she has one of those fanny packs full of money. Howard said she's keeping it going.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk. Howard said they were talking about Jeff and had him on a lot more but he became sort of boring in a way. Howard said he doesn't appear to be drunk that much. He said when he is he's on Periscope. Jeff asked what the fuck he's talking about. Howard said when he first started calling in he was like 25 but he appeared to be 50. Jeff said he's 50 now. Howard said the guy hasn't aged. He said it's his birthday. Jeff said he's been to Sirius and he can't drink up there. Howard said that would be irresponsible for him to give him alcohol up there. Howard said he's come close to falling when he's come up there. Howard said he's not that interesting. He said he doesn't want him getting drunk. He said he's proud of him for not drinking. Jeff said he hasn't stopped. Jeff said he doesn't get drunk in the morning.
Howard said in honor of his birthday they'll do a retrospective. He said he has a little history of Jeff. Howard said he has a clip from 1992 when he called in for the first time. Howard said they were just syndicated in Albany when he called in. He said Jeff was attracted to him like a moth to a flame. Howard played the clip where Jeff welcomed him to Albany.
Howard played another clip where Jeff told them about his car accident where he broke a lot of bones and his back. Howard said the first time he came in was in 2002. He said William Shatner was his partner in the Butt Billionaire game. He said if Shatner got a question right Jeff would win anal sex with Tabitha Stevens. Howard played the clip and Shatner got the answer right. That won Jeff anal. Howard said he shot that game to ABC but they turned him down.
Howard said on that big date Jeff was too drunk to have anal so Tabitha had to jerk him off. Then a couple weeks later Jeff went off on her for not lubing it up. Howard played that clip too. Howard said the big controversy was that Tabitha spread her cheeks and Jeff couldn't get it in. Jeff said he got his dick hard and she put the condom on. Then she sat on his dick. He said she didn't lube it up and it went down. Howard said he knows a condom has lube on it. Jeff said she sat on his dick and it went down. He said she didn't lube it up and that's all it is. Jeff said he did get hard. Howard said Jeff got upset with her for not lubing it up. Jeff said ''Yeah!'' He said if she had lubed it up it would have slid right in. Jeff said she should have known better. He said she's a fucking whore. Howard said she jerked him off. Jeff said he could have done that himself. Howard said he doesn't think so. He only has one hand. Jeff said he only needs one hand.
Howard said he thinks it's irresponsible for him to blame Tabitha. Gary said that the guys in the office are wondering what kind of guy can't hold an erection. Howard said he had one but it went down. Gary asked if it was a full erection. Jeff said it was full. He said he wouldn't have been able to put a condom on. Howard said he doesn't think he's gay but his heath is poor and he might have had Whisky dick.
Howard said if Tabitha Stevens gave him a hand job he'd be grateful. He said he'd be in on that party. He said he'd rather have that than anal actually. He said he'd rather have her rub it because it's less messy. Robin asked if Howard knew there was a thing called After Porn where they find porn stars when they're done and she and Howard are always featured. Robin said Tabitha is in the second one. Howard didn't know she wasn't in porn anymore. Robin said she's showing her boobs and stuff but she and her husband have an art gallery.
Shuli came in and said that Jeff got a blow job from a Periscope fan of his and he finished. Shuli said that he thinks about 80 percent of his fans are guys pretending to be chicks but this chick was a real one and she wasn't bad.
Howard said he saw Jeff on an exercise bike and he was on that singing on Periscope. Jeff said yesterday he did 5 miles. Howard played a clip of Jeff riding the exercise bike which was squeaking as he rode it.
Howard said Jeff loves to sing and Carly Simon sang with Jeff on the show. Howard said Jeff shit his pants right before that too. Jeff said he fell in the mud. Howard played a clip of Jeff talking about that on the show that day. Howard had him touch his pants to show if it was shit or not. Jeff is still claiming it was mud. Jeff said it was fucking mud. He had that blister on his ass. He said that's what it was. Jeff said it was that growth on his ass. Howard said it went from mud to that blister on his ass.
Howard said they found a clip of Jeff singing with Carly Simon. Howard played that next. They sang ''Mocking Bird'' together.
Howard said Jeff ruined a great moment there. Howard said there was chemistry. Jeff said he told her she could call him Sweet Baby Jeff if she wanted to but she didn't fall for it. Howard said they also had Jeff perform with Willie Nelson. Jeff said that was in '06. Howard played that clip next.
Howard said Willie had pain in his face performing with Jeff. He said in 2003 they handcuffed Jeff to a woman named Jenny and she won $20,000. Howard said Jeff fell down and Jeff begged her to help pick him up. Jeff said he was begging Isaac to pick him up. Howard said he was begging anyone to pick him up. Howard played that clip and Jeff was yelling at the woman to help him the fuck up. Howard said the guys weren't supposed to interfere with the two of them so he was yelling at them. Jeff said that Isaac caused him to fall. Jeff said he went to get into a cab and the cabbie saw Isaac filming it and took off. He said that caused him to fall. Howard said this was supposed to be like a nature documentary. Howard said they weren't supposed to interfere. Howard said Jeff always blames other people for everything. He said it's a great logic. Jeff said it was because of Isaac. Howard said he's not going to get into this. It is Jeff's birthday after all.
Howard said that Jeff came to visit 10 years ago and they asked him to go get spanked and they found out he had a carbuncle on his ass. Howard said it's a severe abscess. Howard said after that the gay channel closed up. Howard said they didn't know what was going on. Howard played a clip of them looking at his ass and freaking out. Howard said that wasn't a blister. Robin said it was his whole cheek. Howard said Jeff had it operated on. He said most of the guys from OutQ became straight after seeing that.
Howard said Jeff has been calling in for 25 years. He said that means he's been calling the show for half his life. Howard said there was a point where he got dull on the show and they changed his name to Jeff the Bore. He said in 2015 he had a lump growing on his neck and they had The Lump call in. Howard had a clip from when The Lump called in for the first time.
Howard said now Jeff is doing his own Periscope. He said the only entertainment they find is when he coughs from smoking weed. Howard said you have to wait a long time for that. He had some audio of Jeff coughing in a really strange way and wishing people a happy 4/20.
Howard said that's entertainment. Robin said it doesn't get better than that. Howard said it's Jeff's birthday and he never thought he'd make it to 50. Howard said they used some Jeff drops and made a phony phone call. Howard said they used some audio of Jeff yelling at Tabitha and called a show. Howard said they called a self help show and the rest is self explanatory. Howard played the clip and they called in as a couple and Jeff was yelling at his wife for not lubing him up properly. They had Jeff screaming at his wife blaming her for not being able to have sex. Then they had Jeff throwing shit and the host was worried for the wife.
Howard said that's in honor of Jeff's 50th. Howard said that's his tribute. Jeff said that was very nice. Howard said that The Lump is also having a birthday today. Howard had him on the phone and The Lump said that they're all down at the taint and Ike Barinholtz was even there. They had some crowd sounds and Ike commenting in the background too.
Jeff asked if Howard wants him to take a birthday toke. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said sure, why not. Howard had him do it. Jeff took a hit and he started coughing immediately. Howard said that makes smoking weed so attractive. Howard said don't do drugs. Jeff has a really weird sounding cough. Howard said he's so healthy and vibrant at 50. He said maybe he should do edibles. Jeff kept coughing.
Howard said Jeff spits up into a jar after that. Jeff said he's not spitting up. Howard said that must scare him. He said he knows he'd be mortified if he did that. Howard asked about the edibles again. Jeff said it's not that easy. He said he can't just get them. Howard said that's true it's not legal like it is in California.
Howard said that noise he's making is his body's way of telling him not to smoke. Howard asked if Jeff is doing anything special for his birthday. Jeff said this is the highlight. He said nothing special other than that.
Howard took a call from Steve from Florida who was upset with Jeff the Drunk for mooching off the fans. Howard said he's had enough. Steve asked if he watched Dancing with the Stars last night. Howard said no. Steve said there was a woman doing a cartwheel and she let one rip in her partner's face. Howard asked if they referenced it at all. Steve said he's not sure. He said he just picked up on that one part. Steve also mentioned something about Jimmy Kimmel's son having to go through heart surgery. Howard said this is just too much for him. Howard played a song parody about Steve from Florida and let him go.
Howard said the next day he was in L.A. or whatever and he called Jimmy. He said he did tell him he was outside his house and he was pissed there was no party and it did make him laugh. Howard said there isn't much you can say about that. He said the good news is that they did the operation and the baby is doing very well at home. Howard said they had a fantastic surgeon who did the operation. Howard said he doesn't know how the hell they do that with a baby. He said it's amazing.
Howard said he has a season pass for Jimmy's show but for some reason it didn't record last night. Robin said it should record automatically. Howard said it didn't. He said Jimmy did come on and talk about this. Robin said she heard he did about 15 minutes on it. Robin said she didn't even know that Molly was pregnant again. Howard said he got nervous that the news would come out and they'd blame him for it getting out. He said he was so glad that Jimmy went on and discussed it last night. Howard said he doesn't like having inside information. He said they look at him if it gets leaked. Howard said he was on vacation and he's good at keeping a secret. He didn't bring it up once yesterday.
The caller said that it's very emotional to watch Jimmy talking about the baby thing. Howard said he has some audio. He said this is about his son William and what he went through. Howard said he was praying even though he doesn't pray. Howard said when he does do that he must believe in god. Howard said Jimmy asked him to pray so he did.
Howard said Jimmy gets very emotional about things on his show. Howard said he got upset when John Ritter died so just imagine when it's his own son. Howard said that Jimmy said everything went great with the surgery. Howard said they were going to stop by but then they got the email and there was a problem.
The caller asked what Howard was out in L.A. for. Howard said his daughter is out there in California and he went to see her for a couple of days. He said he went out there for a doctor's appointment. He said there's no doctors in New York. Howard said his wife asked why he was going out there. Howard said he was going for a check up. He said his doctor retired and Dr. Agus is out there so he went to see him. Howard said he's so neurotic that he figures he has a heart problem like Jimmy's baby. Howard said he just has blue balls though. Howard said he went out there and his wife was wondering why he was going. He said he went to see Debra and to see the doctor. Howard said he got body scans and all of that. He said he was told he was like a teenager. Howard said he didn't have to go out there but he did it. Howard said he has some friends out there too.
Howard said he was only out there for 2 days. Howard said he checked with Mary McCormack if he can go to the Beverly Hills Hotel but she wasn't even sure. Howard said she told him he should probably stay away. He said he liked the hotel he stayed at. Howard said he was pool side and Beth was on her way after he got there. Howard said her flight was delayed. Howard said he was sitting there by the pool and he had a big hat on to cover himself even when he's not in the sun. Howard said his mother used to wear a big bathing cap. He said no wonder his dad fucked her brains out. Howard said this guy came up asking if he knows who he is. Howard said he didn't know who he was but he looked familiar. He said he was in Scarface and he's the guy who comes up from Cuba with Al Pacino. Robin said that's Steven Bauer. Howard said he plays Avi on Ray Donovan. He said he didn't have an accident so he didn't recognize him. He said he's a good actor. The caller said he was also in Breaking Bad as one of the Cartel guys. Howard said he had a buddy by the pool.
The caller asked if he had a straw hat on. Howard said he had one that was like a big fishing thing. He said he wears a bee keeper's outfit. Howard said he had this special area there by the pool. He said he was the only one covered. He said it was like a tent with a table. He said he was reading Rolling Stone and GQ. He said he felt it might be odd to be reading GQ though. He said people might think he's too into fashion. He said he was busy on his iPhone. Howard said at one point where he was sitting there after Steven Bauer stopped by. Howard said this chick was there and she was stuffing her bikini bottom into her asshole to make a thong out of it. Howard said it looked like a diaper was shoved up her ass. Howard said she didn't have an ass that good that it should be out. Howard said he wondered why she was shoving it up her ass. He said then she was standing on her chair. He said he was going to look but he figured that material must stink by now. Howard said it was shoved up her asshole. He said she should have just kept it a regular bathing suit.
Howard said he had a bathing suit on that came down to his knees. He said he had shoes on and a big T-shirt on. He said it makes him look thin. He said that's his whole look. He said he stays pretty covered up.
Howard said Steven Bauer wants to come on the show. He said he looked okay out there. He said he saw one dude wearing a bikini bottom bathing suit. Howard said he looked ridiculous. Howard said one maniac was out there taking pictures of his biceps. He said he kind of loves that whole scene out there though.
Howard said Beth showed up as Steven was leaving his tent. Howard said you had to see this tent. He said it was very cool. Howard said he was there before Beth got there and some dude came into his tent and he wanted to say that it was his tent and kick him out. He said a cabana boy came over and kicked him out for him. He said he was told it was a reserved tent. Howard said the guy was ushered right out. Howard said then he was alone again in his tent.
Howard said here was one guy by the pool who was out there for at least 5 hours. He got up and he was beet red. Howard said he was able to be under that tent the whole time. Howard said people were so upset that this guy came into his tent. Howard said he got kicked right out of there. The caller said they should have sat him with JD at the back table.
Howard said all of the fuckers in the email attacked him for the JD thing yesterday. Howard said he's busting balls on the air to make it funny. He said that he thanked JD for being a good sport about that. Howard said people are getting all sensitive about that. Howard said he thought he did a good job yesterday with JD. He said then he gets the email and they criticize him. Howard pulled out the email and read one about how it's easy to mock JD when he gets free food all the time. Howard said people were saying that he was being an asshole about the whole thing. Howard read through a few more emails about that bit he did yesterday.
Howard said his audience are fucking morons. He said no more. He said two of those emails were from Fred. Howard said he's going to take this out on JD right now and yell at him.
Howard said no more events for JD. He said everyone is worried about JD but he's fine. He said he should be pulling clips instead of doing that shit.
Howard played some phony clips of celebrities asking to go to JD's wedding. He had phony Arnold in a voicemail. He had fake Rosie O'Donnell leaving a message too. He had fake Harrison Ford too.
Howard said he hopes he didn't offend any listeners with that. Robin said now they can't talk about JD's wedding. Howard said he's going to punish the audience by not talking about JD's wedding. He said he'll go and not talk about it. He said no more JD. He said fucking assholes pissed him off last night. He said he was funny and did good material and they pissed him off. Howard said he's going to ignore JD from now on. He these people listened and laughed for an hour and then they write in and complain. He said he's had it with this audience.
Howard said he was shocked about the great articles about Ryan Seacrest. Howard said he should retire and move to California and sit by the pool with his new best friend Steven Bauer. He said he can listen to his stories about his marriage to Melanie Griffith.
Howard said it was funny yesterday when Ike Barinholtz talked about his dentist not knowing who he was. Howard said there are big names who listen to the show every day. He said that Jimmy Kimmel, David Spade, John Stamos, Natalie Maines, Chris Rock, Amy Poehler and others listen. He said Ike really knows a lot about the show though. Howard said he was quoting every interview and bit. The caller mentioned Ryan Phillippe. Howard said he's on some TV show now where he plays a military guy and he's huge with muscles now.
The caller asked if it pisses him off like Lenny Kravtiz. Howard said that whole thing is a different story. Howard said Lenny doesn't look stupid yet. Howard said you see Axl Rose from Guns N Roses and you think it's tie for a change of clothing. He said Lenny still pulls it off with the leather pants.
Howard said he was going to have Jimmy on the show but he had to rebook it. He said the baby thing is keeping him out there. Howard said he ended up removing his earrings out in California because he was doing the medical tests. Howard said he was going to have this full body scan done at Cedars Sinai. He said that was part of his medical tests. Howard said he had to take the earrings out because he was going into the scanner. He said he hadn't removed them in a year so he went into the bathroom to take them out. Howard said Beth heard him trying to get them out and she came in to help. Howard said she started doing it with the lights out. Then the dirt and ''smega cheese'' started coming out. He said it turns out he could have worn then in the scanner. He said it was like his ear took a shit.
Howard said it was a build up of shampoo and things like that. Howard said it had hardened in his ear so it came out like a ball of dirt. Howard said Beth suggested that he not wear them anymore. He said he thinks that's his look but it doesn't help. He said some people look good but it just doesn't work for him.
Howard said he has like 5 holes in his ears. He said he had smega cheese everywhere. He said he may start wearing clip on earrings. He said he was 30 when he pierced his ears and his mother yelled at him. He said she said those were her ears. Howard asked if Fred still has his. Fred said he took his out years ago. He said it was like putting a bow tie on a pig. Howard said for him too. Howard said he thought he looked cool but he just looks like a douche with earrings. He said he has the hair but he doesn't look cool like Lenny Kravtiz. Howard said he got the tattoos and that didn't make him look cool. The caller suggested a nose ring. Howard said he'd put a bone in there.
Howard said Beth came out to the pool after Steven Bauer visited. He pointed him out to Beth and she didn't know who he was. Howard said he told her it was Avi and she didn't know that either. Howard said she just thought he was some dude running around in his bathing suit. Howard said he did show Beth the girl in the bathing suit that was shoved up her asshole. Howard said Beth walked into his tent and she almost got tackled. Howard said they somehow knew that she was with him. Howard said you never kick out a hot chick from his tent.
Howard said he used to go out when he was single and they'd put him in a special area. He said they give you a bodyguard to keep people away. He said chicks would come by and they'd push them away. Howard said if it's dude you push them away but if it's a girl then you let them in. Howard said someone was in charge of who to let in. Howard said that's what got him in trouble. Howard said this hot model sat next to him at one point and he thought he was going to get laid. Howard said they were going to his car and then she starts calling the bouncer a ''nigger.'' Howard said she was using the N-word with this guy who was standing there minding his own business. Howard said he had to ditch this broad quick. He didn't want to get beaten up by the bodyguard. Howard said she must have been psycho. Howard said she didn't even know him. He said he ran into his car and he dumped her off at her place. Howard said that's some fantasy. He said he should have dumped her out in Harlem. Howard said he never saw that chick again. He said Mel Gibson keeps asking for her number.
Howard said they were talking about Jimmy but he always has to bring it back to him. Howard had some audio from Jimmy's show last night where Jimmy broke down crying while talking about his baby boy and the problems they had. Jimmy said that a nurse noticed he had a murmur in his heart and he was turning blue. They found out he had a heart disease. He had a hole in the side of his heart. Howard said that was going on while he was out in L.A. He said he did speak to Jimmy a couple of times. Howard said he was sending email but he bothered him anyway. Howard said who wouldn't want a call from him when things are tough. He said the baby is home and they're doing okay. Howard said Jimmy sent them pictures of the baby with all of these tubes connected to it. He said he remembers when his kids were born and it was just upsetting hearing about this. He said Jimmy did say that the operation was a success. Robin said he has to go through another operation eventually. Howard said that's right and he knows that because he was getting emails. Howard said he was so upset that he had two people removed from the pool tent.
Howard said the good news is that the baby is doing great. Howard said that's it. He doesn't know what else to tell you. Howard let the caller go after that. Howard said he did reach out to Jimmy as the caller had asked about. Howard said he and Beth did discuss about when they should reach out. Howard said they reached out even though they were told not to. Howard said he thought that Jimmy felt close to him so he didn't mean him. Howard said he figured that just applied to the other people in the email. He said people want to hear from him.
Howard said Jimmy told everyone to stay away and they listen. Howard said he had Bobo show up at his hospital.
Howard did the segment as if it was less funny. He did his voice and JD's voice talking about the trip to Washington DC and going to the Samantha Bee event. Howard said that you don't hear stuff like that with Ryan Seacrest you fucks. He kept doing the JD impression and goofed on him some more about the Royal Foods chicken.
Howard asked how much longer he has on his contract. JD asked the listeners not to email the show about this stuff anymore. Howard said that he was bullied as a child but so what. Howard asked where Gary is. Gary said he has 3 years, 8 months and 14 days left on his contract. Howard said add 2 hours to that. He said it's too much for him.
Howard said he didn't realize this but Kelly Ripa made a great move with Ryan Seacrest. He said they're going to be up against Megyn Kelly and they're saying that they might as well not even put her on. Howard said you can't defeat Kelly and Ryan according to the paper. Howard said some expert says that Megyn should just go home. Howard said he thought that she should have stayed at FOX News. Howard said he thinks it is possible to beat Kelly and Ryan but maybe Megyn won't be able to do it. Robin read an article where they said that Ryan has this ability to do this show and still have people like him. Howard said that poor guy Brian Dunkleman just booked a public access show.
Robin said they claim that Ryan can make people laugh so hard they have soda come out their nose. Howard asked who is saying that. Robin said it's Linda Stasi. Howard said Louis C.K. is really funny but he's never squirted soda out his nose. Howard said he's seen Chris Rock and he's never done that. Howard said all of those great comedians and Ryan is the one who is going to do it? He said he has never seen Ryan Seacrest say anything funny. Robin said that's what Linda claims made him the highest paid host of a show. Howard said he was a pleasant host. He said he never made a mistake reading off the teleprompter.
Howard said he's had enough. He said he has to get out of there. He said Megyn Kelly never should have left FOX News. He said he read another guy got fired over there. He said he was some guy named Shine. Howard said that's some slur against Jews. He said maybe it was a Sheenie. Howard said that Shine is a slur against black guys. He said Sheenie is because the Jews worked in the garment industry and they'd rub material to see if it had a sheen on it. Howard said this guy Bill Shine on Harvest Moon got canned because he was part of the environment. Howard said FOX News can't win. He said they appointed a woman to be in charge and now they're saying she was part of this mini skirt scandal over there.
Howard said this story out of FOX news is the best. He said there was a woman working on the FOX News business channel and she was up and coming there. He said she wrote a blog about fighting Endometriosis and she was told she was done for writing it because it's not what guys want to read. Howard said they banned her from appearing on air after writing that. Howard said they say that the instructions came from the floor where they have executives. They told her to look for a new job too. Howard said she was an up and comer and they kicked her off the air after writing about her Endometriosis. Howard said that's pretty fucked up.
Howard read more about the lawsuit that's going on over that. Howard said they say that she was less desirable after writing about that so that's why they kicked her off the air. Howard said now the woman in charge is in the sex suits because she didn't speak up. Howard read through an article about that too.
Gary came in and told Howard he has pictures of this woman who was fired. Gary said she's really hot. Howard checked them out and asked who would fire her. Howard said there are pictures of her in panties and bra. Howard said she's in a bikini too. Howard said she's hot. He asked what her name is. Robin said it's Diana Falzone.
Howard asked if he has to take a break. Fred confirmed it. Howard said JD has to stop making him take breaks. They went to break after Howard did a live commercial read.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he could play the time Evil David Letterman called the gay bath house. Howard asked the caller, Ken, if he wants to win a sound system from SV Sound. Ken said he has never played any of his games. Howard said he has an Evil Dave game to play. Ken was up for it. Howard said he'll play the game and then he'll play the call. He said maybe he can play the call first. Howard said this is Evil Dave calling the gay bath house. In that phony phone call Sal called a gay bath house as Vinnie Favale making an appointment for Dave to come in for a visit. They had Evil Dave talk to the guy there asking creepy questions and making the guy laugh.
Howard said that is a good one. He said they have a wonderful show. Howard said the guy who plays Dave is named Dave. He said they met him as a David Letterman impersonator but he met him and it just turns out he sounds like Letterman. He's not even doing an impersonation. He said then they started working with him and he was really good at messing up lines. Howard said he has an example of that. Howard played a clip of Evil Dave messing up a line they asked him to read. Dave kept screwing up saying buried alive instead of being ''burned alive'' like he was asked to say. Howard said that Will is amazing in that clip. He said it sounds like he wanted to jump out a window. Will said a 10 line script will take over an hour to record. Howard played another clip of Dave trying to pronounce fellatio. He kept saying it in every way other than the right way.
Howard said they once tried to get Dave to pronounce the name of the Boston Bomber. Howard played that clip and Dave kept getting it wrong over and over. Howard said he felt bad for Dave when David Letterman retired. Howard said he still has to have him on once in a while.
Howard said now that Ken is an expert on Evil Dave they're going to play a game for a SV Sound system that's worth $999.99. Howard said he's going to explain how the game works now. He said he's going to ask Evil Dave some questions about basic knowledge. The caller has to guess if he'll know it or not. Ken said he's a smart guy. Howard said Ken is a smart guy.
Howard said they asked Evil Dave about Bill Gates being the CEO of what company. Ken said he thinks Dave will know the answer. Howard played the clip of Dave saying ''Apple.'' Howard said this was just a test question.
Howard said they asked Evil Dave where on the body is the cornea. Ken said he doesn't even know that. Howard said it's part of the eye. Ken said Dave will not know this one. Howard said he's surprised Ken doesn't know it. Howard asked what kind of education he has. Ken said he read a lot of books about music and went to art school for some courses. Ken said he's going to change and say he knows it. Ken quickly changed back to he doesn't know it. Howard played Dave's answer which was ''Stomach.''
Howard said they asked Evil Dave how many sides are on an Octagon. Howard asked if Ken knows. Ken said 6 or 7. Howard said it's octo so the number is there. He said it's 8. Ken didn't know. Howard said he should read about math and not about music. Howard said music is a hobby. Howard asked what his answer is. Ken said no way Dave will know. Howard played Dave's answer which was ''Eight.'' He was right, Ken was wrong.
Howard said they asked Evil Dave to spell cemetery. Howard asked Ken if he can spell it. Ken said he is the worst speller so no. Howard said he won't even attempt it. Ken said ''SEM...'' Howard gave up. Howard spelled it for him. Howard asked Ken what his answer is. Ken said he will not know. Howard played Dave's answer which was ''CMMENTARY.'' Robin said he's as bad a speller as Beetlejuice. Howard asked if Ken can believe what an idiot Dave is. Ken said he does have a talent.
Howard said they asked Evil Dave to spell ''necessary.'' Howard asked Ken to spell it. He started to spell it ''NESS...'' and Fred played the buzzer. Howard asked Ken what he says. Ken said no way. Howard played Dave's answer which was ''NECESSARY.'' Howard said that is completely correct. Howard said it's unbelievable that it comes down to 2 wrong and 2 right. Howard said that's amazing he was able to spell that one.
Howard said they asked Evil Dave how many senators are elected from each state. Howard asked Ken if he knows. Ken asked if it's 2. Howard said that's right. Ken said he thinks Dave will know this one. Ken said if he's wrong maybe he'll play another game in the future. Howard played Dave's answer which was ''One.''
Ken lost the game. Robin said she thought he won. Howard said everyone is confused. Howard said after all that he lost. Howard said he's sorry. Ken was fine and said maybe another time he'll play another game. Howard said he hopes so. He said he likes Ken. He said any time he's under a tent in Los Angeles he can come visit him. Howard said it's never good when the contestant knows less than the game. Howard wrapped up the game and went to break.
Howard said that was beautiful. He said it had no effect whatsoever. Howard said they ran out of things to say and the woman didn't get upset.
Howard said his friend Drew Friedman has a new book out and it has his cousin's artwork in it. Howard said he's having a show. He said it's on Thursday. Howard said he's a brilliant artist. Howard said he told him he'd give him a plug.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who was in some area where there was a lot of background noise. Fred played some train sounds to make it sound like he was in a train station. Howard asked if he's going to Shitty Callerville.
Howard took a call from a woman who calls herself Vivacious Black. She said she's the Queen of all Blacks. She asked if he watched 24 at all. Howard said he watched one episode and that was it. Howard said she's fascinating but is anything on her mind. Vivacious said that she is there for Howard if he wants to talk about anything. Howard asked what it's like being black. Vivacious said things are great. Howard said she's enjoying being black and having a good time. Howard said he imagines she must be very beautiful. Vivacious said that Howard must remember when she called in before. Howard just kept asking her questions. She said she sent them a picture. She said they have several. Howard asked if they have any of those pictures. He asked if she has Endometriosis. Vivacious said she actually did. Howard said ''I have to go. Bye!'' He said FOX makes a lot of sense around there. Howard asked if they have a picture of her. Gary said they do and he's putting it up now.
Howard said they have an exciting announcement. Howard said SiriusXM has a Beatles channel. He said it's the first ever and it's exclusively on SiriusXM. Howard said Paul and Ringo are involved. Howard said don't ask for an autograph from Ringo though.
Gary came in and told Howard that the channel goes live at 9:09. Howard did his ''Noine'' thing with that. Howard played a song parody about Gary to the tune of a Beatles song.
Gary had the picture of Vivacious Black too. Howard asked if she's related to Jason. He said she has a resemblance. Howard said she's very pretty. Howard said Jason makes a pretty girl too.
Howard said that's kind of like Neil Armstrong asking people not to ask about the moon. Robin said that's not the same thing. Robin said there's nothing that you need to know about what she has between her legs.
Howard said he imagines she has the nicest vagina down there if she had all of that Bruce Jenner money. Howard said he wants to know more about it. He hopes she doesn't get Endometriosis in her uterine walls. Robin said she doesn't have to worry about that. Howard wondered if you can queef if you have a man made vagina. Robin said she would imagine so.
Howard said that Caitlyn talked about dating in the future with Diane Sawyer. She hasn't been asked out so she's not sure if she will date.
Gary said they were watching a special about those operations and they have to put something in the fake vagina to keep it from closing up like the hole in your ear for an earring. Gary said it's called a dialator. Howard said it has to be worked out or it'll close up.
Howard said he knows women who were born women who have closed up. He said he knows a woman who has to use a metal thing to open it up. Fred said it's a rolling pin. Howard said that's right. He said you have to be careful.
Howard wondered if Lenny Dykstra would go down on that. Robin said that people get very caught up in the original gender. Howard said Lenny is very open minded. Gary said they actually did ask him and he said no way. Robin said that's a shame that he'll never know the joy of going down on Caitlyn.
Howard said he wonders what Wendy the Slow Adult would rule on that. He wondered if she'd think it was gay. Howard asked what judge Ronnie would think. He said he might know what he thinks. Howard said he believes that Caitlyn has envisioned herself dating. Robin said she did say she was probably done with women. Shed probably want to date a man.
Howard said a lot of those Kardashians like black guys. He said he can see Caitlyn with a black basketball player. He asked why not. Fred played JD laughing.
Howard said he found out that Caitlyn hasn't spoken to Khloe Kardashian in 2 years because of the interview she did on their show. Howard played a clip of Caitlyn talking about that with Andy Cohen. Caitlyn said that Khloe called her a liar on the Howard Stern Show and that pissed her off. Howard said maybe Caitlyn and Dennis Rodman could date. Robin said she can see that working.
Howard had another clip of Caitlyn talking about why she doesn't like what Ellen said about her on Howard's show. Caitlyn said she didn't understand some of the things she said on Howard's show. She said that Ellen never asked her to dance on her show so she's not sure why she was talking about that on her show.
Howard had Wendy the Slow Adult on the phone so he got her on to find out if you have sex with Caitlyn and you're a man if that's gay. Howard picked up on Wendy and asked her about that. Howard asked if she knows who Caitlyn is. Wendy said she's heard of her. Howard explained what Bruce Jenner did and how she became Caitlyn Jenner. Howard asked Wendy if a man becomes a woman is it gay if you have sex with her and you're a guy. Wendy said no. She said that's not gay. Howard asked her again to make sure. Howard went through it again and asked Wendy if that is gay or not. Wendy's final ruling was that it's not gay. Robin asked what gay is. Wendy said it's when a guy or another guy kiss or make out. She said if two lesbians have sex in a parking lot that's gay. Howard asked if it's gay for two men to have sex. Wendy said no. Howard asked if a man turns his penis into a vagina and has sex with another man that is not gay. Wendy said no. Howard asked if two men have sex is that gay. Wendy said no. Wendy said it's when two women have sex. Howard let her go after that.
Howard said this show is so stupid. He said it's 4 hours of nonsense. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard said here's Robin's news. They played Robin into it with a song parody from Psych. Howard said he's some talent. Howard said he really loves Robin. He said he had a great production there. He said it's better than the original.
Robin started her news with a story about vinyl and mentioned that Howard's daughter played some out in California. Howard said he thought it was cute when she did it but when Gary does it then it's just annoying. Howard said Gary has that annoying 45 record adapter around his neck. He goofed on Gary about that and Fred played the scratching sound of a vinyl record. Robin said Jimmy Page collects vinyl too. Howard said that's right. Robin said he was in a store in New York City collecting some albums. Howard said he gets that. He said music is his business. He said it must remind him of recording sessions. Howard said he gets that he might get hard thinking about albums like that. Howard said he's probably fingering his ass over it. Howard did an impression of Jimmy talking about vinyl. He said Gary was recently shopping for bags made of vinyl. Howard said he has to calm down with that. Robin said Jimmy buys them by the stack according to witnesses. Robin said he was also out with his 27 year old girlfriend. Howard asked how old Jimmy is. Robin said he's 73. Howard said that seems about right. Robin told him to do the math to figure out how many years that is. Howard figured it was 47 years. Robin said he's right. Howard thought she was 26. Howard said he thinks he'd have a hard time if his daughter went out with a 73 year old. Howard said imagine that guy is Ronnie. He said Ronnie is 67.
Howard said he gets Jimmy Page and the vinyl thing. He said it's cute with his daughter but Gary calls it ''pieces of vinyl.'' Howard said it's just a Gary thing.
Robin read a story about a fight breaking out on a flight from Tokyo to the United States and now that man is under arrest in Japan for assault. Robin said it was two men from the U.S. who were fighting. Robin had some audio of the fight. Robin said there's enough going on without having this. Robin said the guy started to walk toward the cockpit but then he turned around and got back in the guy's face. Robin said they say he may have been drunk. Robin said he was arrested and charged with assault. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Hulu saying their live TV service will include NBC live content. Robin said they will include all 4 major broadcast networks and more for under $40. Howard said he doesn't like that. He doesn't understand what Hulu is. Howard said they don't have CBS shows on it. Robin said they do. Howard said he doesn't understand it. Robin said Supergirl isn't on it though because they don't have a deal with the CW. Howard said he likes cable. Howard said he likes using his TiVo. He said he can just fast forward through the commercials. Robin said she likes Hulu because she doesn't have commercials. Howard said he's getting aggravated. He asked if Gary likes it. Gary said he should have Hulu Plus, Netflix and regular TV. Robin said he should have Amazon Fire. Gary said it's like Apple TV. Howard said he has Apple TV. Howard said they watch a ton of TV. He said he thought he watched a lot. Gary said he has 8 TiVos. Howard said Gary should have noine.
Robin read a story about this head transplant thing that they talked about yesterday. Robin said scientists have transplanted a head of a rat on another rat. Howard said he loves this because his favorite movie is The Man with 2 Heads. Howard said he loves that. Robin said she never watched that. Howard said it's the greatest fucking movie ever. Robin said a third rat was used as a blood supply for the surgery in the rat transplant. Howard said imagine if you could take a woman's body and stick Caitlyn's head on it. Howard said maybe just do a brain transplant. Howard said he doesn't want this face. He said he figured he'd wake up and be gorgeous. Howard said they have to get to work on that. Howard wondered if some day they could give Jeff the Drunk a new body. Robin said if they perfect it then maybe they can. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Tan Mom who said she didn't think Howard was going to stop talking. Howard said it's kind of what they do there. Howard asked if Tan Mom would have her head transplanted on another body. Tan Mom said no way. Tan Mom asked Howard if he would like another dick between his legs. Howard said no but he'd like a bigger one than he has. He said if they could make his grow he'd like that.
Howard asked Tan Mom if she's still a Scientologist. Tan Mom said she is and she's at like a level 4. Howard said they lost Leah Remini but they gained Tan Mom. Howard asked if she's afraid that she's part of a cult. Tan Mom said she's not. Howard asked if she knows who started Scientology. Tan Mom said not at the moment. Howard said that's what it's all about. Howard asked how she can be level 4. Tan Mom said she's been going and trying to make things better. Howard said it's L. Ron Hubbard. Tan Mom said that's it. Howard asked what God's name is according to Scientology. Tan Mom said Jesus. Howard said no. He said it's Xenu. Howard said even he knows that. Tan Mom still claims she's a level 4. Howard asked if she has done the E meter yet. Tan Mom said Howard is in so much trouble. She said when she goes in she has so many other things going on. She said she's just trying to talk to Howard and Robin. She said it took like 40 minutes.
Howard said if she's a level 4 she's racing up the ladder. Howard said she should know those two simple things. Howard said it's pretty basic stuff. Tan Mom was having issues with her phone. Howard asked if she has met with John Travolta and Kirstie Alley yet. Tan Mom said no. She said John Travolta was at the comedy club the other night. Howard asked if she introduced herself. Tan Mom said no. She said she stayed by herself. She said people are weird and she stays by herself.
Howard asked Tan Mom if she knows what a Thetan is. She didn't. Howard said that's more information she should know. Tan Mom said the guy who is doing it with her is someone who likes her. She said that there is something just a little bit weird about her. Howard said she's claiming that men are coming on to her and she's not sure what it is.
Shuli said that she claims she's had this curse since she was 16 years old. Howard said she's claiming she gets too many guys. Tan Mom said it's all about sex. She said she says it how it is. She said even her sisters would beep and stuff. Howard said it might be a Herman Munster kind of thing. Howard asked if Tom Cruise has tried to fuck her yet. She said no. Shuli said she was almost kidnapped in a store after she broke her ankle. Howard said even Sal fell for her.
Howard asked Tan Mom to tell him just one thing she has learned from Scientology. Tan Mom said she learned to not just get angry and pick up a drink. She said you go home and pray and read. She said there is a lot of herbal teas out there that have made her de-stress. Howard asked if she has been hooked up to the E Meter. Tan Mom said she hasn't done anything to that extreme. Tan Mom said that the Level 4 thing is just what the guy tells her.
Shuli said she told him that courses are very expensive. Tan Mom said she has troubles with her 5 kids. Howard said that's hard to believe. Tan Mom said she just wants them to be better. Robin asked if she's bringing them to classes too. Tan Mom said she brings them to a doctor where they talk out their anger. Howard asked Tan Mom why she doesn't try being a Muslim instead. Tan Mom said she's not into long skirts and things like that.
Howard said he's studying to be a Jedi. He said a little green being is teaching him how to use a laser sword. Howard said he's going to kill Darth Vader when he meets him. Fred played some Light Saber sounds as Howard was talking about that. Howard said he's already level 27. Howard asked if Tan Mom has ever heard of The Force. Tan Mom said she has. She said may the force be with you.
Howard said he'd like to talk to her about this more. Shuli said she's writing a book about her life. Tan Mom said he's going to be so scared. She said he'll totally understand when he reads it. Howard asked if she's going to get hooked up to the E meter. Tan Mom said she doesn't know about that. Howard let her go a short time later. Shuli did his Tan Mom impression after Howard let her go. Shuli was doing an impression of her whispering to Robin that she loves her. Then she yelled at Sal.
Howard said about 2 weeks ago Tan Mom was only at a level 2 and now she's at level 4. Howard played a clip of Shuli interviewing her 2 weeks ago and she said she's at a level 2. Howard said Tom Cruise is a level 7 and he's been doing it his whole life. She's been part of it for 6 months and she's at a level 4. Howard said she's the best. He said she's coming on strong.
Shuli said that she claims that someone at ABC News is co-writing the book with her. He said that she has to talk into a recorder and then sends them to this person. Howard said she doesn't know anything about Scientology but she's a level 4. Howard said he loves it. He let Shuli go and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about the writer's strike being averted at the last minute. Robin said they came to an agreement for a 3 year deal. Robin said that many shows could have been affected by the strike. Robin said it cost the city over $2 billion in damages the last time they had a strike. Howard said he ran for governor of New York and he just wanted to get rid of the tolls. He said that it's the same with TV. He said we have no lives and Gary has 8 TiVos. He said Gary has never said he doesn't watch something. He said he watches everything. Howard did his impression of Gary talking about which TiVo he saw a certain show on. Howard said he watches a ton of TV too. He said he loves ''This is Us'' and he doesn't want a strike. Howard said he watched this movie that Emilia Clarke is in and her name is Miss Clarke in the movie. Howard said she's in this movie and she plays a girl in London who has to get a job because her father can't get a job. She takes care of a guy who can only move his head. Howard said he loved it. It's called Me Before You. Howard said Beth was crying watching the movie and she didn't think he'd like it. Howard said he loved it. Howard said now he likes Emilia Clarke again after seeing that movie. He said she wasn't even naked in that movie.
Robin read about the Tony Awards and had some audio from some musicals. Howard said they just sing anything. He said it's like when he does commercials and sings them. Howard heard one and said he has to listen to that again. Howard asked if that's the one about 9/11. Robin said she doesn't think so. It's called Come From Away. Robin had some others. Howard said that's what he should write. He said he should write a musical about FOX News. Howard made up a song where he's playing Roger Ailes. Howard told Fred to call their agent and tell him they're ready to write something. Robin had more awful musical songs for Howard to play. Howard asked who the hell is writing this shit. Robin had more for him to play. Howard made up another song and wore himself out singing it. Howard said he's going to get Emilia Clarke to be in that one. He said everyone will want to be involved.
Robin read a story about how North Korea is saying that they could start a nuclear war after U.S. fighters were doing drills over the Korean peninsula. Robin said President Trump is saying that maybe Kim Jong Un isn't as crazy as some think he is and he'd be willing to meet with him under the right circumstances. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that. Howard asked if that's President Trump because you never hear from him anymore. Robin said Trump also says that the threat is real. Robin had more audio. Robin said they have just 4 approved hair cuts in North Korea. Robin said that's for women. Robin said there may be more for married women than there are for non married women.
Robin read a story about President Trump preparing to speak to Vladimir Putin today. Robin said that he also thinks that Andrew Jackson could have headed off the Civil War. Robin had audio of him talking about that. Howard said Sal told him that's true. Robin asked why he's talking about that. Robin had more audio of Trump talking about why that war couldn't be worked out.
Robin read a story about a man seeing a woman collapse onto the train tracks and he abandoned his backpack to jump down to help the woman. While he was helping someone ran off with his backpack. Howard asked if you can believe what's going on in this world.
Howard took a call from a (fake) Broadway producer who said he hasn't heard anything like this since the Jonestown musical. Howard said he just wrote them off the cuff and he has a lot more in him. Howard spent a minute with that bit.
Robin read a story about a set of quadruplets who are all going to Yale together. Robin said they announced their decision yesterday on NBC. Robin had some details about that. Howard said they had a slower brother who got into Full Sail. He told JD he's just kidding and he's not bullying him. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am
Howard started the show wondering who is going to be on the show. He had a Joan Rivers impersonator saying they have Amy Schumer coming in. Howard said he's looking forward to that. He said he has a few things to talk to Amy about. He said she went to the Met Ball and he has to ask her about that. He said she said she'd never go again. Robin said she said it wasn't a good time. Howard said he's done that. He said he'll talk about someone on the radio and say fuck this person but then he'll see them and ask how they're doing. Howard said you get caught up in the moment. Robin said the Met Ball isn't going to confront you.
Howard had a George Takei announce to play as well. In that clip George said he has one thing left in his bucket list and that was lighting a bag of shit on fire on William Shatner's front doorstep. Howard said you have to love George. He said he cant get over that whole thing. Howard said the recording sessions are great with George. He said he just laughs through the whole thing. He said he's delighted with the whole thing. Howard played a clip of George reading the lines they had for him to read. George was laughing and saying they do have dirty minds there. He also corrected them about the Brambles actually being the Rambles.
Howard said they called a radio show with some George clips. He said it's so great. Howard played a clip of George talking about wetting his whistles during the recording session. Howard said they took that and called a radio show. Howard played the clip of the phony phone call and they had George clearing his throat and saying he had to ''wet my whistles here...'' The host of the show said they were waiting for him to talk. They took another call and it was George again. The host told them to stop playing with her. She hung up on him 3 times.
Howard said he thinks that's a woman. Robin didn't think so. She thought it was a dude. Howard said he thinks it's a woman. The guys confirmed it was a woman.
Howard said the word was obliterated and not aired. He said he doesn't like when they try to censor someone like that. Howard said some of these conservatives are wondering if people are going to boycott him. Howard said it's not like Bill O'Reilly. Howard said that Colbert is a target now because of his politics. He said he's just being honest and that's what people like so that's why he's doing so well in the ratings.
Robin said CBS isn't going to fire Colbert. He said they hired him and now he's number 1 and people like it. Howard said instead of taking over Letterman's show and trying to be Letterman he's just being himself. Howard said Dave had his way of doing it and Colbert is doing it his way. Howard said he's doing what he's comfortable with. He said it's working for CBS and he's sure they're thrilled.
Howard said Hillary has to take a good look at herself. He said she was against Donald Trump and every day a bombshell was dropped. Howard said there were so many things going on with Trump and it was endless. Howard said Hillary could have taken advantage of that stuff. Howard said people are willing to overlook him saying that he grabs women by the pussy. Howard said when he contacted her campaign he asked why she won't come on the show. He said she should come on because they have a very big male audience. Howard said Donald Trump appealed to men. He said that people are open minded when they hear someone on his show. Howard said fans end up liking people who come on the show. He said he gets email like that all the time. They become fans of the people who appear on the show. Howard said the same thing happened with politicians like Arlen Spector. He said he was livid about his treatment during the Clarence Thomas trial. Howard said that he came on the show and they were able to find common ground.
Howard said he talked to Hillary's people about that and how he thought that they could talk about her life and her passions and things like that. Howard said Hillary was very bright and educated and he wanted to know why she got into politics. Howard said everyone is always asking why she stayed with Bill after what he did. Howard said he wanted to find out why she fell in love with him. He said he thought it would be good radio. He said they couldn't even get a genuine ''no'' from her. He said he would have preferred her to say he's a douche bag and she doesn't trust him. He said she'd rather go on the Ellen Degeneres show. He said that's a good move too but her audience was already with her. Howard said she should have come in there to tell the 35 year old man why he should vote for her. Howard said he thinks she would have been an excellent president. Howard said he doesn't think that the connection was being made with the average male voter.
Howard said that when she got sick and disappeared for weeks she should have said something. Howard said she was hiding something and that's what people were upset about. Howard said Donald Trump was the most flawed candidate and he survived the ''grab them by the pussy'' thing. Howard said that she should have been able to beat that. Robin said the worst thing she could do is think she has it in the bag after that. Howard said she never went to Wisconsin. Howard said she thought she had it in the bag. Howard said she should have come on the show. Howard said he didn't want to eviscerate her over her husband. Howard said he wanted to talk to her about her life. Howard said he wanted her to come in and get to the male audience. Howard said they actually have a lot of women listening too. He said 45 percent of the listeners are women. Howard said he's not saying she would have won but it's the attitude.
Howard said when he saw Hillary in the paper blaming all of these things like the Russians and Comey he thought about how she's putting the blame on other things when she should have taken the blame herself. Howard said it's not the Russians and Wikileaks. Howard said it's like if they told him to make a lay up in a basketball game at the end of the court. Howard said he blew the lay up a lot of times and he's 6'5'' tall. Howard said he lost a basketball game to Nils Loftgren who is scientifically a little person. Howard said this election was the lay up of the century. Howard said Hillary should go to therapy and start to accept that she has to take responsibility. Howard said he just got the run around from her people. He said he was being worked. He said he's pretty smart when it comes to that and he knows when he's being played. Howard said she has to take responsibility. He said she should have come in there and done the interview.
Howard said you can't play it safe either. He said if he had done that and buckled to the government he wouldn't be sitting there. Howard said Hillary didn't speak from the heart. Howard said he's not saying that she had to come in there and get butt bongo'd or anything. He said they have had naked women on the show but come in there and appeal to that audience. Howard said just work it.
Howard said he'd go everywhere to make it happen. Howard said Trump went everywhere. He said he put his foot in his mouth a lot when he did. Howard said the big risk was when Hillary went on Hot 97 there in new York City. He said she talked about carrying hot sauce in her purse to appeal to the black audience. Howard said that's a stereotype.
Howard said she was so patronizing. He jokingly said that she showed up late and said she was on CPT. Howard said that's not how you run a campaign. Howard said just stop. He said FOX shouldn't criticize Colbert over going after Trump.
Howard read some of the email about the Broadway musical thing. He said that people were happy about Jeff the Drunk's 50th birthday. Some people don't believe he's only 50. Howard said Jeff is 50 and people said happy birthday to him. He said someone said he looks 65. Howard read a bunch of those birthday messages. He said there was some good will there.
Howard said he has to get Jeff on the phone. He said there was a fight between Jeff and Steve from Florida. Howard said the fans don't like Steve. He had Steve on the phone.
Howard said that Steve and Jeff the Drunk were on the phone with Shuli and they got into a fight. Howard said Jeff got one over on Steve. He said he should play it. Steve said that Jeff said he stages stuff and he's natural. Howard said Jeff is right about that. He said he stages falls and stuff. Jeff said Steve starts his show with something unintelligible. Howard said he wants to know what he just said. Howard asked Jeff to say it again. Jeff said he starts his periscope with a Rob Zombie song like Howard does. Howard said he didn't know that. Howard said Steve stages a lot of stuff but Jeff is real. Steve said that was at one time but now he just talks to the fans. He doesn't do that on his show anymore. Jeff asked Steve how many people he follows. He said he's a low life. Jeff said Steve doesn't follow anyone. He said it shows what a shit bag he is.
Howard said this is a very big feud that's going on. He said it's the biggest one since Balls and Tommy from Malden. Howard asked who started this. Steve said Jeff constantly asks for gifts from the fans. He said he should send a thank you to the fans. He said Jeff just blocks people and that's what pisses him off. Jeff asked why he cares. Steve said he gets it from the fans and he hears things. He said he's also jealous of Mariann from Brooklyn because she's friends with him instead of Jeff. He said no one wants to hear him whine.
Jeff asked if it's true that Steve's kids like him better than him. Steve said no way. Jeff said he thinks so. Steve said he can't get his head that far up his ass to believe that stuff.
Howard said this is like World War Lame. He said Shuli pointed out that they were going at each other. Howard said it's wild. He said they're really going at it.
Steve said that the colonoscopy results are back and they found Jeff's head up there. Howard said Bobo is writing this stuff now. Steve said he is writing it.
Howard said he lost Jeff. He hung up on him accidentally when he took a call from one of the guys in the back. Howard said it was an accident. Howard said he has to go if Steve doesn't have anything else. Steve asked if he thinks that Sirius would hire Bill O'Reilly. Howard said he doesn't think so. He had Jeff back on and told him why he hung up accidentally.
Howard said he's an advocate for Sirius and if there is anyone who can bring in a paying audience then hire him. He said that it doesn't matter who it is. He said he hasn't figured out who that person is. Howard said O'Reilly is an untouchable. He said they can't do business with a guy who has been accused of so much sexual harassment. Howard said you can't have a company and risk it like that. Howard said if you hire that guy you can't say it anymore. Howard said FOX didn't want to fire the guy. He said they wanted him so bad they were settling lawsuits for him.
Howard said he was listening to a tape of a guy at FOX who was blaming the women for the sexual harassment. Howard said he was saying the women are walking around there half naked and it's their fault. Howard said that's ridiculous. Howard said he loved watching the women there at FOX News. He said they used to wear mini skirts but now they're wearing pants.
Howard asked if Jeff has anything else to say. Jeff said Bobo is an asshole. Steve said that Jeff's face looked like his face caught fire and someone put it out with a fork. Howard said he has to stop with the lame jokes. Steve said he looked it up on the internet. He had another one but Howard let him go. They played a song about Steve after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the last two jokes that Steve had were horrible. Howard said he was really coming off in a very canned manner. Howard asked Robin who won that fight. Robin said she thinks that Bobo came in with the lame material and Jeff sat back and won. Howard said he didn't have to do much.
The caller said that Shuli ends his segments with ''This is Howard Stern correspondent Shuli Egar...'' and he doesn't end it the way the guys used to in the news. Howard said Shuli does whatever he wants to apparently. The caller also brought up Hillary and Howard said this is the kind of guy that Hillary would have gotten to if she had come on the show.
Howard said he has a clip of a pastor talking about the women on FOX News and how they're to blame for the sexual harassment because of the way they dress.
Howard said they went out on the street and asked women if they had words of sympathy for Bill O'Reilly. He said they weren't happy. Howard played the clip and women were not giving any sympathy for O'Reilly. Howard said they also asked the women if they would rather date Bill or Howard Stern. Howard said he should win that but he did shitty against Bill O'Reilly. Howard said he thinks it was a tie. Howard played that tape and some women picked Bill and one said neither. One woman said she'd rather get shot. Howard said that's ridiculous. Howard said he's sure that woman is just an old hag. Robin said probably. Howard said thank god for Robin.
Howard said he saw this guy yesterday walking in the street and he's walking his dog. He said you pick up pieces of conversation. He heard him saying that if you get this kind of dog it's a chick magnet. Howard said this guy looks like the elephant man and he thinks the dog is going to get him women. Howard said the dog has to be the cutest dog on the planet. He said that's a bunch of bullshit. He said don't get a dog if you want to try to pick up chicks with it. Howard said that guy isn't getting laid from that. He said if you look like a chick repellant the dog isn't going to help. Howard said he's sure the friend was thinking the same thing. Howard said all guys are bullshit artists. He said that's what he told his daughters.
Howard said he got some email from Jimmy Kimmel who said his baby is doing well. Howard said he made a great statement about health care too. Robin said he did and it came at a good time. Robin said that there is a group out there that doesn't want health care to cover pre-existing conditions and that's what this would have been.
Howard said he's doing the email thing with Jimmy so that means he's doing okay. Robin said she emailed him last night and she got a response. Howard said he doesn't like that. He said he's the only one who should get a response. Howard said he's actually tight with Jimmy's daughter Jane who is like 3. Howard said they came and stayed with them last summer. Howard said kids don't take a liking to him right away. He said he has to be like a clown with the kids. He said he walks into a room and starts to sing. He said he does the song his dad used to sing. He did it for Robin and sang ''The Bear Went Over the Mountain.'' He said that stops the kid right in their tracks and he does it another 10 times. Howard said he did that for Jane and she loved it. Howard said it's so much fucking work. He said as the kid starts to warm up to him they'll whisper in their parent's ear asking them to have him do it again. Howard said they don't talk to him though. He said he thinks he should dress up like a clown in full makeup. Howard said it's so embarrassing when he does it. He said the kids look at him like they're thinking ''What the fuck is he?'' He said he has all kinds of things going on and kids don't know what to make of him. He said he does everything short of lighting himself on fire to entertain them.
Howard said now he's winning the kid over. He said once the kid gets sick of that song he starts to ask the kid if they know the Name Game. Howard said he'll sing the Name Game song with Jane's name. He said Molly is happy that he's entertaining the kid. Howard said Beth hates it. He said he had to explain the Name Game to her. He said he looked it up on the internet to hear the original song again. He said it was Shirley Ellis who sang the song. Howard said Beth had a whole reaction to it and she didn't know the song. Robin asked if he didn't play that with her the first time he met her. Howard said that's very funny.
Howard said he tried to teach Beth to do the song and he eventually got her to do it. Howard said you have to hear her sing it. He said it's so cute. Howard said it took her a while to teach her. Howard said she doesn't get it but she can sort of do it. Howard said she doesn't understand his fascination with it. He said he should get her on the phone to sing it.
Howard told Gary to get her on the phone. He said she's busy doing some stuff but he'll see if she'll do it. Howard said she's going to resist. Howard told Gary to tell her it's an emergency. He changed his mind about that. Howard told Gary to just ask her to come on.
Howard said if he does get her on it's going to be almost impossible to get her to do it. He said he thinks it's adorable. Gary said he has her on the line. Howard said it's going to be tough to get her to do it. He said she hates the Name Game.
Howard asked what's going on. Gary said she's coming up right now. Howard got Beth on the phone and said hello to her. Howard called her ''sweet love.'' He said that's wheat he calls her all the time. Howard told Beth what they were talking about and asked if she likes the Name Game now. Beth said she likes it because the kids love it. Howard said he thinks it's great when she sings it. Beth didn't want to do it. Howard said he wanted to do Robin. Beth said no. She said that's not fair. She said he should do that after a glass of wine. Howard said he's going to start with Robin and see if she jumps in. Howard said if she doesn't want to jump in she doesn't have to. Howard said she can jump in. Beth said she'd rather do a staring contest. Howard said she can't do that either.
Howard started to sing the Robin Name Game. Beth sang ''Robin'' but that was it. She said this weekend is the big Adopt-a-thon. Howard wanted to sing the Name Game about North so he stared. Beth did it a little bit but she said she has to go read her book to kids. Howard tried to get her to do it again but Beth stayed silent. She said this was mean and embarrassing. She said she doesn't like him. Howard told her not to end it like that. Beth said she's really mad at him. Howard said he always gets in trouble. He said that fucking Name Game. He said she hates it and won't play it with him. Howard said he loves her so much.
Howard said Beth wants to throw him out a window when he does that when they're alone. Fred sang it about Gary. Howard did one with ''Boff.'' Howard asked if Robin thinks Beth is really mad at him. Robin said she might be. Howard said she's with her sister in law. Howard said that he had to call her with the Name Game. Howard said he isn't sure if his nieces and nephews even like him. He said fuck the Name Game because it gets him in trouble.
Howard had Fred play the Name Game and then went to break.
Howard said you'd wonder what the fuck is going on there. Howard said he built that network for 10 years. He said he had meetings with Fran Shea and Lee Masters or Yarl Moon. Howard said he changed his name. He said he may have been embarrassed what he turned into. He said he's in hiding now. Howard said there's no record of Lee Masters now. He said he saw what happened to E! and went into hiding.
Howard played another clip of some of the Met Ball coverage where the hosts were talking about more outfits and freaking out about them.
Howard said he's obsessed with the Ryan Seacrest thing. He said he has a morning show out in L.A. that's like a Rick Dees kind of show. Howard said Rick Dees used to have a show and they came into the market and kicked so much ass and made fun of him every day. He said Rick had an empire going before they got there. Howard said Rick wanted round buttons to control his board and they had to run around trying to find one for him. Howard said as soon as they got there and took him down all of that stuff stopped. Howard said he went from demanding a piece of equipment that is almost impossible to find to begging not to be fired. Howard said he can live with that kind of thing.
Howard said Ryan has that kind of thing going on in L.A. now. Howard said he should be Rick Seacrest. Howard said he has the E! thing going on and the American Idol money. Robin said he's also the producer of that Jennifer Lopez show. Robin said she loves that show. Howard asked who the fuck buys that she's a cop. Howard said he can't watch that show. He can't buy her as a cop. Robin said she doesn't see Jennifer Lopez. Howard said that's because she took off her makeup. Howard said he watched one episode and that was all he could take. He said that would be like him being The Bachelor. Fred played a woman screaming clip.
Howard said he was talking to Walt Sabo about this Ryan Seacrest thing. Howard said Ryan is going to come to New York 4 days a week and he's going to be taping and flying back and forth. Howard said they must have given him a lot. Howard said he has to fart. He said he may shit his pants. He let one rip into the microphone. Howard said take that Ryan Seacrest and Rick Dees. Fred said they think that Ryan is making $55 million a year. He said he may be getting $17 million like Kelly Ripa is.
Howard said he heard that Ryan wonders why he's not making the kind of money he's making. Howard said it's like comparing the Beatles to Sha-Na-Na. Howard said him farting into the microphone has more talent then Ryan has in his whole career. Howard said he's a good looking guy who can read a teleprompter without making a mistake. He said he doesn't hate the guy but what is the dollar amount that gets him to fuck up his whole life. Howard said that they also named him Executive Producer of the show. Howard said Megyn Kelly is coming back on TV and she's going to interview Vladimir Putin. Howard said he's a fucking bore so that's why you never see interviews with him. Howard said the guy can speak English but he insists on speaking Russian for interviews. Howard asked what the fuck is wrong with NBC. He said Ryan Seacrest will interview Kendall Jenner and beat the Putin interview.
Gary said he's reading about all of the ways Ryan makes money. He said he has a line of clothing. Howard said that's the lamest grab for money ever. Gary said it's at Macy's and it's doing very well. He said he has make up coming out too. Howard said that's the best way to rape the audience. Gary said he's also a brand ambassador for Ford. They read about a bunch of other things he's involved with. Howard said the whole world is upside down. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that one of his favorites, Amy Schumer, is there. Amy came in singing so Howard told her that she can be in his musical about FOX News. Amy said she'd be honored. Howard asked if she's exhausted from promoting the movie ''Snatched.'' Amy said she's out there doing it with Goldie Hawn. Howard said going out and doing it can almost ruin the relationship. Amy said there is a lot they're doing together. She said she can see that happening but not with them. She said she's in love with Goldie. She said that maybe Goldie will turn on her some day. She said they trust each other.
Robin asked when they made the movie. Amy said they did it last summer. Howard asked if she's had famous people dump her. Amy said she has. She said that she's not talking about Jennifer Lawrence. Amy said she's doing a movie with her. Howard said that she's making friendships and then you don't hear from them for a while and you realize you're dumped. Robin asked who they are. Amy said Robin chewed her up and spit her out. Howard said that's happened to him a few times. Amy said she's had people say to her that she felt like she only calls her when they're talking about business. Amy said it was that she was intimidated by her and that was her segue into it. She said that she's let friends go too. Howard said you feel used. Amy said that's part of it. She said two people said they were so jealous of her but then they wanted to come back years later. Amy said you don't have to keep every friendship. She said she likes the people she has. Howard said you want to be loved. Howard said he likes that people can admit it.
Howard said he was somewhat shocked that Amy said to him that the Met Gala is so horrible. Howard said she was really anti Met Gala. Howard said Lena Dunham said the same thing and so did Gwyneth Paltrow. Howard said then he turns on the TV and Amy is there. Amy said she did feel that way. She said she apologized about it and she was invited back. Amy said that she had to go back.
Howard said that it must be hard to negotiate these things. Amy said it's a fine line. She said she was so uncomfortable there. Amy said it would be fun if she wasn't stapled into a nightmare. Howard said she went to the Met Gala and she wore a dress that she had to squeeze into. Amy said it took a village. She said it's not a night you can make your own. She said they tell you who you are that night. Howard said it was a leather dress. Amy said she's not sure what it was made of but she was dripping sweat. She said it looked good though. Amy said it was intense and awful but she saw the pictures and she thought she looked good. Amy said you go in and it's full of people you've seen. Howard said he's never gone. Howard said he has no desire to go. He said he would if he was invited. He said he thinks Beth would like to go. Robin said the women have the tough time getting dressed up. Howard said some women like that.
Amy said she went because the movie is coming out. She said she ran into Kim Kardashian there and she had the most insightful conversation with her. She said she talked to the Hadid's too and they were very kind and very lovely. Howard said that's blowing his mind. He said he's had Kim on the show and she was great but you want to hate them. Amy said she was really awesome.
Howard said maybe it's fair to say that people have many sides. He said he just learned that in therapy yesterday. Howard said he ran into someone recently that he's been very critical of and he came over and shook his hand and they had a lovely conversation. Howard said he loves this person's work but sometimes he doesn't and he's very confused. Howard said as a funny person you try to find a simple truth and make it funny but it's confusing. Amy said you have to be a good person and not be a bully.
Howard said he loves Mel Gibson movies but he's conflicted about him hating women and the Jews. Amy said that's tough to reconcile. She said that Goldie loves Mel and she met him at the Emmys. She said he could smell it on her that she's a Jew. Howard said his Jewdar was up. Howard said someone told him that he threw pennies at her. Amy said that would be an honor.
Howard said it'd dizzying how much promotion she has to do around this movie. Amy said she has been doing a lot. She was on Colbert last night. Howard said that's great. Howard asked if she's talking about the same things on all the shows. Amy said she likes to make jokes so that's what she's doing.
Howard asked Amy about the Met Gala and who she met there other than Kim Kardashian. Howard said they're plying up the fact that Amy, Lena and Gwyneth all went even though they said they'd never go again. Howard asked if it is fun there. Amy said there is a lot of energy there. She said there are so many famous people too. She said she left at 10:30. She said that she was enjoying it but she just wanted to go home. Howard said they all go and have parties after the gala. Howard wondered why they have to go do that after going to a party. Amy said she sat next to Hasan Minhaj. She said that Madonna was there and they were talking about boobs with Stella McCartney. She said Madonna rested her head on her boobs. She said that was a nice place to be. Amy said she thought she might regret that but it was no big thing for Madonna.
Howard asked if it's important to take selfies for her social media. Amy said she did take one with the Hadid sisters last year so they did it again this year. She said if someone told her she had to do it they'd be fired.
Howard asked Amy if it's true that her breast was exposed accidentally and she shows it in the movie. Amy said her right tit is out. She said you can see full nip. Howard said that sells the whole movie right there. Amy said she wrote it in so it was planned. Howard said he didn't know that. Amy said it was so unnecessary. Amy said she thought it was funny and it was fun to shoot it. Howard asked why it falls out. Amy said she was on the back of a motorcycle and they get off and she was very drunk. She said the guy tells her that her tit is out. She said it's just out.
Howard asked if she picked the right one over the left because it's nicer. Amy said it is. She said that's a great question. She said that's the one that a guy would pick if she asked him to. Howard said Amy talked about her pussy smelling like a barnyard animal in her comedy special. Amy said she's just being truthful. She said sometimes it smells fine but there are times that it smells. Howard said he smells his underwear after he works out to see what he smells like. Howard said no one else would want to smell that.
Howard said Amy is so brutally honest. Howard said that's how she has to be. Amy said she can't do anything else. Howard said Amy talked about fingering her own asshole when she tried to get something out of her vagina. Amy said she was trying to get a Nuvaring out and she accidentally slid her finger into her asshole. She said she let out a scream.
Howard said he knew a girl who wanted him to put in her diaphragm. He said that she'd make him do that. He said he was 18 and she was like 23. Howard said he couldn't believe his luck to have that girl and that was part of their sex. Howard said that was pretty wild.
Howard asked Amy about tweeting a picture of herself wearing underwear and people saying she's so brave. Howard said that's such an insult. Amy said that it is kind of. She said that women will come up and tell her that and she thinks she looks good.
Howard said he thinks about Amy and tipping. He said she told them about tipping at a club and she let like $1000 tip on something. Amy said she does that a lot. Amy said she did it at the bar at Hamilton. She said that she tipped $1000 on a $17 tab. Howard said that's a lot of money. Amy said she wants to give a lot. She said she feels like she has no other choice. Howard said that's a lot of money. Amy said that would change her month when she was in the service industry so she knows what that can be like. Amy said she takes care of family and friends too.
Howard said he read a sorry about Amy being out running and she had to pee really bad. He said she ran into a mattress store and peed there. She ended up buying a mattress from them because they let her come in. Amy said this woman was just sweet and she just loved her so she had to. Amy said that she bought the mattress for the woman. She said that she didn't even give her a name but it ended up in the paper anyway. Amy said that other rich people must not do that. Howard said he likes that she's doing that.
Howard said Amy has won Emmys and she keeps them in her laundry room. Howard said this is because other comedians will make fun of her for displaying them. Howard said you can't put them in the living room. Amy said that's true. She said she doesn't have people over all the time but there's something kind of gross about having them out. She said maybe some day she'll have a room where she can display them.
Howard asked Amy if she's doing her TV show anymore. Amy said that it's not that she's only doing movies. She said that the things she has booked this year she doesn't have a window for doing the TV show. She has too much work to do this year. Howard said she's like the Ryan Seacrest of comedy. Amy said she heard he has like twice as much money as Howard. Howard said he heard that it bothered him that he wasn't making the kind of money that Howard Stern is making.
Amy said that she's very happy with what she's making in the movies. Howard asked if she made $17 million. Amy said no and sounded like it wasn't even close to that. Howard said that she should be making a lot. He said her last movie did like $200 million. Howard said Trainwreck made $140 million. Amy said she's never gotten that kind of money. Howard asked what Goldie made for ''Snatched.'' Amy said she has no idea. Howard said he would find out. He said she should be getting top billing. Amy said she wants Goldie to get it. Howard said Goldie Hawn should be grateful to Amy. He said Amy is the hot one right now. Amy said that she admires her more than anyone.
Howard said he heard that Amy is the fourth highest paid comedian of 2016. He said that it's Kevin Hart, Seinfeld, some puppet guy and Amy. Howard said he always felt she was very talented and she deserved it. Howard said it's nice to see someone make it. Howard said he was very happy for her.
Howard asked if Amy is still dating that guy he met. Amy said she is. Howard said he saw her out at an event. Amy said she wasn't invited back. Howard said they didn't want to impose on her. Amy said she thinks that she could do a good job and she'd like to come. Amy said she's getting a dog too. She said that she's getting it in a couple of days. Howard told her to be committed to the dog. Howard said you can't just give up on it. Howard said he sees it all the time weight people who say they don't feel a connection and just give up. Amy said she will love this dog until death. She said the dog's name is Tatiana Maslany who is the woman from Orphan Black.
Howard said that Belinda Carlisle was at the event when Amy was there. Howard said the guy was very good looking. Howard asked if he's the best looking guy she's dated. Amy said that he's as good looking. She said she likes her guys fucked up a little bit. Amy said she wants them to feel like they need her. Howard asked if she sees the Baby Arm guy anymore. Amy said she thinks that she has an ability to see a lot of baby arm guys. She said that she shared a studio with a Spanish show and they weren't cleaning their dishes. Amy said that she went in and told them to wash their dishes. She said that she was asking how hard it is to wash dishes and she looks down and sees the guy has one regular arm and one baby arm. He said she looked at her like she was a dumb bitch.
Howard said this guy she's dating seems like a really good guy. Howard said Amy went on this dating app that's for famous people. He said Amy was one of the first to use it. Howard said he knows a guy who was rejected from it. Amy said the dating app is called Raya. She said she's not sure how it works but Ben is a furniture designer. She said he's not famous. She said maybe it has turned into that but that's not what it was back then. Howard said he knows women who go on there who know the guys have jobs. Amy said they were kind of cool about not saying who was on there. Howard said they say it's a dating app for creative people. Amy said she was only on it for 48 hours. She said she and Vanessa Bayer did it as a goof.
Howard said going on a dating app is dangerous. He said it's something else to have someone like Amy on there. He said they could be reading about her being chopped up. He said he's told his kids that the dating apps are dangerous. Amy said she did bring a stranger over to her apartment. She said her sister told her to meet Ben in public first. She said he came over like an hour later. Amy said there are so many douches on the app. She said there are guys with no shirts and things like that. Amy said that they have a motorcycle pic or something too. Amy said her picture was a normal looking picture. She said there were a bunch of famous people on there too.
Howard said the weird thing is that you have to pick a song to go along with your picture. She said she played Dirty Work with hers. Howard said that she never got rejected on the dating app. Amy said that Ben was her first match. She said she's sure she was rejected.
Howard asked how long this has been going on. Amy said it's been about a year and a half. She said that she loves committing but they're not in talks about marriage right now. Howard said she's constantly working. Howard said that must be tough. Amy said she needs a lot of space. She said she heard Sarah talking about that on the show. Howard said he needs space but he needs the person in the house with him. Amy said that's nice.
Robin said she heard that Howard goes looking for Beth. Howard said he does. Howard said he can go days without making human contact.
Howard said that he loves Goldie Hawn. He said he goes back to Laugh In with her. He said she's an icon. Howard said that when he'd hear her talking about Kurt Russell she'd say if he wants to go cheat then go cheat. Howard said it seems like they have an open relationship. Amy said she's not sure about that. Amy said that they're such fans of each other and they choose to be together. She said she thinks they have hot sex. Howard asked if she stayed at their house. Amy said she went to their house. Howard asked if she hung out with Kate Hudson. She said she has. Howard said this is turning into a very close thing. Howard said it's Goldie, Kate and Kurt. Amy said that she's not sure where the lines are. She said she might be in the family. She said they're a crew you want to hang out with.
Howard asked how long she worked on this movie with Goldie. Amy said it was 3 months. Howard asked how hard it is after the movie ends. Amy said that it's super creepy. She said that she missed Goldie so much. She said she missed her smell. Howard asked if she smelled like a barnyard animal. Amy said not at all. She said she makes her own perfume and she smells great. Amy said that she got really sick during the shoot and they had to halt production. Amy said when the movie was over she missed New York and she was happy to get home. Howard said then she goes through Goldie Withdrawal.
Howard asked Amy if she learned anything about Goldie that surprised her or was it the way she expected it to be. Amy said she was very laid back about the way she raised her kids. She said she can't imagine a parent being like that. Howard said not his parents.
Howard asked Amy about the talk about her starring in the Barbie movie. He said he heard the premise was that she is a doll but then she becomes a person and it would have been Amy as Barbie. Amy said it wasn't going to be a cartoon but it was going to be Barbie getting kicked out of Barbieland for not being perfect. She said they were working on it and they had to have the cameras rolling when she wasn't able to do it. Amy said it was a timing thing. She said she wanted it to work but she wasn't able to make it work. Howard said he likes the idea of the movie. Amy said it would have been annoying because that's like a different level of fame. She said she was willing to do it because she thought she could do a good job.
Howard asked Amy about doing the scene where she says that Welcome sounds like whale cum. He asked if she just came up with that on the spot. Amy said she wrote it. She told Howard how the scene goes and how she came up with the scene. Amy said Goldie was the one who said it was funny and some people didn't get it. She said that she and Goldie agreed on the jokes. Amy said she's great. She said the movie is a hard R. Howard asked if it's because of the nip slip or the language. Amy said it's all of that.
Howard said there were so many great R rated movies when they were young. Howard said now they don't do it. Howard said the studios are scared. Amy said her tit coming out is just for a funny moment. She said it's not trying too hard to be an R. She said it's an honest movie and she's excited about it.
Howard asked who they're up against. Amy said that Guardians of the Galaxy is coming out after. She said that she doesn't think there are other R rated movies. Howard said he told Ike that the big movies bring people to the theater and they might not be able to get in so they go see the other movies.
Howard said Ike was on the other day and he heard that Amy and Goldie were up there and they were going to come in to surprise Ike but Goldie didn't want to do it. Amy said that they looked at Gary and it seemed like Gary didn't want them to do it. Howard said that's the first time Gary gave the wrong look. Gary said Amy said they should go in and Goldie said ''You go in.'' Howard said that's possible. Amy said that it's funny how you can remember a moment so differently.
Howard asked if Amy if it's tough to have so much promotion going on. Amy said that they ask the same questions every time and it can get bad. She said they always ask how they met for the first time. Howard said he thinks there is a set of questions they have for the interviewers.
Howard asked Amy if she knows how some people say there's no such thing as a dumb question. He said that's not true. Amy said it's not. Howard asked if she's ever walked off an interview. Amy said she'll just start snoring if they ask something she's been asked a million times.
Howard said Amy has a Netflix special out too. Howard said that Louis C.K. has a great one out too. Amy said she watched his a couple of times. Howard said Dave Chappelle has a great one too. Howard asked if Amy got paid well by Netflix for that special. He said they're payign a lot of money to comedians. He said she must have researched it. Amy said she did. She said she was right up there. Howard said he worries about her. Amy said she stands up for herself. Amy said she got enough to be able to sleep at night. Howard asked if she has to do more than one. Amy said it's just a one shot thing.
Howard said he has to put Amy in his FOX News musical. He said she has to show titty in that. Howard said Harvey Firestein will be in it and Amy will have to break into song and sing to Roger Ailes. Amy sang about Roger getting his balls off her nose. Howard started singing with her too. The two of them went back and forth making it up as they went along. They were doing it in the style of Hamilton. Howard said that's just the opening number. Amy said she definitely didn't wake up thinking that's what they'd be doing today. Amy said she'll be there.
Howard said the movie is called Snatched. He said he just got a call saying that George Takei wants to invest in this play. He told her to bring up the musical for Goldie. He said everyone breaks into song in that. Howard gave her some plugs for Snatched and said forget Hamilton and Guardians of the Galaxy. Howard said go see Amy's tit and the Whale Cum. Howard said this is a mother and daughter story. Howard said see Amy in FOX News the Musical that's coming out in October. Howard said you can hear she can sing. Howard said that was without rehearsal too. Howard said the movie opens on May 12th. They went to break after that.
As they were going to break they played Ed Torian singing ''Poker Face.'' They also played a Jeff the Vomit Guy bit.
Howard said he was fascinated by some things in the news. He said there was a guy who was named the Spokane Spanker. He said he'd run up and spank women as they were jogging. Howard said he ended up turning himself in on TV. Howard said he apologized and turned himself in. Howard said that seemed so weird that he'd do that. He said it was weird enough that he was doing it and then he turns himself in. Howard said there are people out there killing people and putting it on Facebook now. He said it's like they want to get caught. Robin said they do say that peoples actions show they don't want to be doing what they're doing and they want to be caught.
Howard said the guy on Gotham who is playing the Riddler is great. He said he and the Penguin are great. He said it's a fabulous show. Robin said she hasn't seen this week's show. Howard said he might have to put that guy in the FOX News musical. Fred asked if it's Sean Hannity. Howard said Matthew Broderick will play Hannity. He said this guy can play Bill Shine. Howard said there is a role for that.
Howard said that he laid in bed thinking about casting that musical. He said there are a lot of roles in it. Howard ended up doing his Scott the Engineer impression with Fred. Howard said it's Corey Michael Smith who plays the Riddler.
Howard got back to the Spokane spanker story and played a clip of the guy apologizing for spanking people on the trail. He said he did it and he knows it wasn't right. He didn't mean to hurt women so he's sorry if he hit them hard. Howard said he should have come out and said he's the lamest criminal ever. Howard said he could have said he was a Ronnie the Limo Driver fan and he heard too many sex tips. Howard said this is the lamest crime. He said that his whole focus was spanking. Howard said then he goes on TV and admits it.
Howard played more audio of the guy explaining why he did this. He sounded like he was reading something written. Howard asked why this guy turned himself in. He said he's going to go to jail over this. Howard said people just want to be famous. He said it's a whole new kind of criminal. Howard got a note saying he was charged with 11 counts of assault.
Howard played more of the audio and said the guy sounds kind of like Ringo. In the clip the guy said that he is going to be in a park being spanked by people. He said if you were a victim you can come and spank him. Howard said the guy was arrested and he's in jail now so that won't be happening. Robin said he has it in his head that these women secretly liked it. Howard said he's acting like he won't get pleasure out of it.
Howard said he has the Manhattan Masturbator on the phone. They had one of the guys in the back doing that bit for a few seconds.
Howard did his Soupy Sales impression talking about not liking that guy. Howard said he loves that clip of Soupy where he's talking about not liking talking chairs. He played the clip and laughed. Howard said he has to remember that whole clip. Howard tried to recite the clip word for word.
Howard said that he loves Soupy. He said he was making a jerk out of himself in that clip but his show brought him so much happiness when he was a kid. Howard said his father didn't really inspire him to do radio. Howard said it was Soupy Sales who got him into it. He said Soupy was having such a good time with the guys he was working with. Howard said Soupy fucked up at the end of his life but whatever. Howard said maybe he got bitter and jealous. Howard said he was mean to Soupy too. He said he fucking loved the guy though. He said he was the man.
Robin said when she first met Howard they weren't able to get any guests but Howard somehow got Soupy. Howard said Robin liked him much better over the years. Howard said he walked up to her and told her they just got Soupy Sales and Robin said ''What is that?'' Howard said Robin said he had to be kidding. Howard said you'd think a visiting dignitary was visiting. Howard said he remembers getting Soupy on the show and he was doing his old bits that he found funny when he was a kid. Howard spent a little more time talking about Soupy who he loved. Howard said he did love the guy but he couldn't resist with that interview where he's talking about not liking talking chairs. Howard did his Soupy impression.
Richard came in and said that their son will be named after Carson Wentz from the Philadelphia Eagles. Howard said that he's only played like 16 games in the NFL. Howard said maybe name him after Frank Gifford or someone like that. Howard said that she's a big fan today but in a year it may not be the same. Howard asked who Richard's name is. Richard said it's Cain after Lorenzo Cain who is on the Royals. Howard said that's weird. Richard said the name is a nice flowing name. Carson Cain Christy. Howard said it is flowing. Richard said they can call him 3C. Howard said he can't believe Richard is going to be a dad. He said there are some couples who try to have kids and they can never get it together.
Howard said Richard thinks that they're going to go to Oktoberfest. Howard said the kid is going to be around. Howard said they can't just dump the kid off. Richard said they'll cancel the trip if his wife's parents don't want to watch the kid. Howard said no one wants to watch the kid for more than an hour. Howard said they're going to fly off and get drunk and then come back to the baby. Richard said they can't take one trip next year? Howard said he's going to have a kid now. Howard asked if he thinks his lifestyle isn't going to change. Richard said he knows it's going to change. He said they only have the one trip planned.
Howard said Richard is keeping his one bedroom apartment. Howard said he has to get a bigger place. Richard said they have tried and it didn't work out. He said they are in Queens now. Howard said he might have to move out east to Huntington or something. Richard said that is an option. Howard said he has to move out where Ronnie s but even that's expensive now.
Howard said Richard has to get a bigger place. He doesn't have room for beer in his apartment as it is. Howard said he has to get a commute like Sal has. Howard said he did it. Howard said he had to travel for hours in the morning. Robin said they had to take several modes of transportation. Robin said they would drive, take the train and take a cab. Howard said they'd get to work and they were exhausted. Richard said it is an option eventually. Howard said things are going to change. Richard said he knows it. He said he's excited for that change.
Richard said he's 43 now so he's ready. He said he's changed a lot since Monday when he was chasing Sal around with his cock. Howard said he went home thinking about Sal on Monday. He said it pissed him off that Sal didn't have that sword fight. Howard asked why they have Sal there if he's not going to do that stuff. Howard said Sal says he can't do it. Richard said it's like Robert De Niro saying he can't act anymore.
Sal came in and said there was no agenda there with the sword fight. Howard asked if when he shows his asshole there is an agenda? Sal said he had a hemorrhoid. Howard said that Sal is so fucking limp and he can take out the cock and it's like two rubber things. Howard said Sal comes in and all of a sudden he's Louis C.K. all high brow and all of that. Richard said it's like when Fred Gwynne would get mad when you'd ask about Herman Munster.
Howard said Sal's motivation should be that he's paying him to do that stuff. Sal said he's right. Howard said all of a sudden he has to explain it to him like he's Roger Ailes. Richard said that he will take his pants off now if he wants. Howard said that's okay. He wasn't looking for that.
Richard said that he's going to circumcise his son and Sal told him he's doing the right thing. Gary said Sal is the head of an anti-circumcision movement. Sal said he was just caught up in what Howard says about it. Howard said he's against it too. He kicked both of them out and did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said it's time for news. They played Robin into it with a song from Jeff the Vomit Guy asking her to please puke on him.
Robin said the Imus ranch is up for sale. Howard said Bill O'Reilly must be buying it because no one will find him there. Howard said Imus is 76 and still doing radio. Robin said he fell off a horse a couple years ago and he can't breathe out there. Robin said they haven't had cancer kids there for a couple of years now. Robin said Imus put the ranch on the market for $35 million a couple of years ago. Robin said in 2014 they brought it down to 29.9 million. Robin said they then reduced it to 19.9 and now it's 5 million. Howard said imagine being that real estate agent dealing with Imus. He made up what that conversation might be like. He talked about humbling the cancer kids and stuff like that. Howard took a call from a kid at the ranch. It was one of the guys in the back but Howard only lasted about 5 seconds with that bit. Howard continued to do his Imus impression trying to sell the ranch.
Robin read a story about Alex Trebek signing on to do 2 more years of Jeopardy and he's 76. Howard asked if he's selling his ranch too. Robin said no. Howard said Imus has said that he will give the money from his ranch to other charities. Howard asked if he lives in New York. Robin said he's somewhere between the ranch and Texas. Howard said he must be in Guam. Robin said he had to move to a lower altitude. Robin said he's halfway between Austin and Houston. Howard said that's the exact place he can breath. Robin said the ranch was at 7,000 feet and the new place is at 495 feet above sea level. Howard said if he falls off another horse he'll have to move underground. Howard said that's when you know it's almost over when you have to move to a place because you can't breathe. Howard did more of his Imus impression for a few minutes.
Robin read a story about the White House touting a new budget arrangement they made to keep a government shutdown from happening. Robin said that Trump didn't get what he wanted in the budget. Robin said he sent his budget director Mike Mulvaney to do a conference call to talk about what a great thing this was and the whole thing went wrong. Robin said they had background noise and babies crying and music. Robin said the reporters couldn't hear the answers. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play. Howard played one where music was playing and it sounded like the guy was getting played off at the Oscars. Howard said he thinks they did something like that with press credentials. He asked Sal but he didn't get an answer. Howard played more of the conference call and more music started playing. Sal came in and said they have done that. He said it could have been someone pranking them.
Robin said that Sean Spicer came out with Mulvaney and they refused to take questions but reporters were yelling them out anyway. Robin had some audio of that as well. Howard said those people wait all day for him and then they don't take questions. Robin said he just wouldn't stay there. Howard said that's his job and then he just leaves. Howard said he doesn't understand this. Robin said it's the best television you can watch. Howard said that phone call sounded like the Eric the Actor show. He played some audio from one of Eric's shows where the audio was all fucked up. Howard played another clip where the audio was cutting out. Howard said those were the days. He said there were always audio problems. He said it was consistently bad. Howard said Eric blamed Johnny Fratto for that but he had nothing to do with it. Howard said ''What a show.'' He said it's not that different than that press conference.
Robin read a story about how some people are calling for Sebastian Gorka to be removed from Trump's team because he's linked to some anti-Semitic groups.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Kristen Stewart is topless in some new movie. Howard said he thinks she's so hot. Howard said he saw her walking around with her girlfriend and she was showing the bottom of her titties. Howard asked if he's telling him that she's in something called the Can's film festival. Howard said that's something that they'd come up with. The movie is called ''Personal Shopper'' and she's topless in it. The caller said a guy has his hand all over her tit. He said she's in a nice pair of panties in the scene. Howard asked if you see bush. The caller said no. Howard asked if she shows ass. The caller said no to that too.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton talking about why she lost the election and blaming it on the Comey investigation and the Russians. Robin said that Trump responded to that in some late night tweets. Robin read some of those.
Robin read a story about Trump returning to New York for the first time since taking office.
Robin read a story about FOX News asking for CBS to fire Stephen Colbert for a joke he made about Trump and Putin. Robin said that they're calling for sponsors to pull ads from the show. Howard said he talked about that in the 7 o'clock hour. He said he won't repeat himself on that.
Robin read a story about a suicide bombing in Afghanistan that wounded some Americans. Robin said 3 servicemen were wounded. Robin said they killed at least 8 people.
Robin read a story about an FBI interpreter who fell in love with an ISIS guy. Robin said this woman married the man she was supposed to be tracking. Robin said she spent 2 years in prison. Robin said they say it's a baffling case. Howard said it really is. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said this woman must have been really hard up. He said she was in the FBI and she falls for a guy in ISIS. Howard said she gets that far and then falls in love. He asked if there's no one else to love. That led to Howard doing his impression of his mother for a short time.
Robin read about how people are looking for new tech from Apple but they're not sure what's coming up. Robin said Apple is going to start releasing original video content soon. Howard said he needs something cool from Apple. He said they have to invent something that he doesn't even know he needs. He said the other day they were hiking and he didn't know how far they had gone and his daughter told him to check his health app because that will tell him. Howard said it said they had gone 2.5 miles and so many steps. He said that he liked.
Robin read a story about some nooses with bananas hanging on the American University college campus. Robin said they are organizing protests at the college. Robin had some audio of a student commenting on that.
Howard said he read a story about a guy who was in a coma and woke up gay. Robin asked what happened. Howard said he had a stroke and it made him gay. Howard said this was on Vice.com. Howard read it to Robin. He said the guy damaged his artery and it fucked up the blood flow to his brain. He was a macho dude who ended up turning gay. Howard said now he's a hair dresser. Howard said how awesome would it be if that happened to someone like Pat Robertson.
Robin read a story about Robert Plant's web site teasing Zeppelin fans. Robin said it's changed to a black screen saying ''Any time now...'' Robin said that fans were thinking it was for a new record but now fans are hoping for something bigger. Robin said some are saying that Plant has agreed to a reunion with Zeppelin. Robin said people are waiting to see what this means.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Today's show was over around 11:05am.