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Howard and the guys were back from vacation this morning. Howard started the show talking about being back live and people wondering if they're live. He said they had a little break and they needed it. He said they put so much energy into the show that they need a break.
Howard played a fake Underdog Lady (Rachel Butera) clip where she announced who they have coming up today. They have Scarlett Johansson coming in today.
Howard said every day before the show he reads the NY Daily News and the NY Post. He said it's depressing. He said the paper used to be thicker and now there's hardly anything. He said it used to be full of ads. He said now the stores in Manhattan are gone too. He said there's an ad in the paper and he's wondering if Robin noticed this. He said there's a 2 page spread about knee surgery. He said they have a graphic picture of a human knee opened up surgically. He said they have a metal bolt in the leg. He said you see inside. Howard said if you were a doctor you'd throw up looking at it. He said there are cartoon drawings and a real operation. He asked how they put that in the newspaper. Robin asked what they're trying to do. Howard said they're saying you can avoid this by going to them. Robin said those ads scare her. Howard wondered if the editors of the paper even look at it. He said they'll take any ad. Howard said they have standards there and they won't do that kind of thing.
Howard said he was reading on the internet about this husband and wife who supported trump. Howard said the husband is there illegally and now they're upset that he's being deported. Howard said it's crazy. Howard read some of the article and they have the guy locked up in Indiana. Howard read that the guy worked at the restaurant for 8 years. Howard said he's been living there forever and he owns this steak place and now he's being deported. Howard said he came here from Mexico in 1998. Howard read about how the guy voted for Trump thinking he'd be okay. Howard said they thought things would be okay. Howard said they say that they think the guy should be able to stay. Howard said Trump wants illegals to leave and reapply to come back. Howard said that he's trying to make the country better to sneak back into.
Howard said you'd think they would have known that Trump was going to deport the guy. He said now they're shocked that he's following through on what he promised. Howard said that some friend of this guy Roberto says that he's one of us. Howard said it's like they don't know that the wall is going to be a real wall. Howard read about another person caught up in this. Howard read that and they seem to think that these people are special. Robin said they're still illegal. Robin said Trump didn't say the nice ones were going to get to stay. Howard said they can reapply but never get back in.
Howard said that they have a Richard Simmons special to promote. Howard played the bit where they did a ''Search for Richard Simmons'' thing. Howard said later in the program they'll have Steve Nowicki going to the Richard Simmons compound. Howard said you'll be shocked by what you hear. Howard said get the real scoop on Richard Simmons. Howard played more of a promo that they put together using clips of Richard. Howard said don't you dare switch to 80s on 8 or 90s on 9. He said wait till you hear what they uncover. Howard said you won't believe your ears. Howard said Robin's bra will pop off when she hears this. He said her head will explode. Robin said she can't wait. She said she's fascinated.
Robin said they had him on for years and no one cared. Howard said when you hear what they uncovered you won't believe it. Howard said when he plays it Gary will wake up from his nap. He said that Fred's pen will shoot from his mouth. JD's Filet-o-fish will shoot out of his mouth. Howard said Jon Hein will Hit 'em with the Hein.
Howard said that Paris Jackson has intense vocal fry too. Howard said she was on Jimmy Fallon's show. He said she's very good looking so he tunes in to see what she's up to. Howard said he thinks he's more biologically related to Michael Jackson than she is though. Howard played a clip of Paris on Fallon with the vocal fry thing. Howard said she's got it bad. Robin said she's so young. Gary said she's 18. Robin said they have to give her a break. Howard said she and her two brothers have inherited the Michael Jackson estate. Robin said she can afford to have vocal fry. Howard said she's part frog. He said she was sitting on a lily pad talking like that. Howard played another clip of Paris with the vocal fry.
Howard said this is an epidemic in this country. Howard said it's really bad. He played another clip of Fallon talking to Paris and she was talking about meeting Alice Cooper and she had really bad vocal fry. Howard did his impression of what it sounds like.
Howard asked what he should do here. He said he can take a break or take some calls. Howard said he can do his vocal fry pizza parlor phony phone call going into a break and then do the rest of the stuff after the break. Howard played a clip of Rachel Butera doing her vocal fry voice as if she was giving oral to a guy.
Howard played a phony phone call that Rachel did to a pizzeria with her severe vocal fry. She placed an order and the vocal fry thing would go in for so long that the guy would hang up on her. They went to break after that.
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Howard said Shaq now believes the earth is flat. He had a clip of Shaq talking about that on a podcast. Howard said his head is flat. Shaq said there are 3 ways to ''Manipilate'' the mind. Howard said he that he hasn't seen oxygen either. Howard played more of the audio of Shaq talking about that and other things. Shaq said he drives from coast to coast and it's flat to him. The guys on the show with him said that's the stupidest thing he's ever said.
Howard asked Robin if she's convinced. Robin said at least he's put research behind it. Robin said he's driven across the country.
Howard took a call from Jim from Raleigh who asked if he can believe that Anthony Weiner's wife is taking him back again. Howard said he can't. He said he read about that yesterday in the news. Howard said he's not sure what to make of her. He said he gave up on Anthony. He said he's flawed and you can't take him seriously. Howard said the wife is an attractive woman who is smart. He said she was in the highest level of government. Howard said it has to be mind boggling to anyone who knows her. Howard said this Weiner guy is so creepy. Robin said she's going to have to talk to the kids about what their father has done. Robin said she's not avoiding that by being with him. She wondered how she goes out and faces the rest of the world.
Howard said he'd like to know how she sits at home with him. Robin said he must have convinced her that he's going to fix this. Jim said this makes her more screwed up than him. Howard said the documentary about his life is fascinating. Howard said you have to watch it. He said he thinks it's called ''Weiner.'' Howard said the guy is a dick to his wife and she keeps going back. Howard said maybe it's a fetish for her to be embarrassed. Howard said she keeps going back to the guy. Robin said it doesn't work and it affected Hillary Clinton's election.
Howard played some interviews Sal and Richard did with people on the street about Anthony Weiner. The women they talked to were saying the guy is a pervert and she shouldn't be with him.
Howard said that Wendy the Slow Adult gave Gary a birthday message a little late. Howard played the clip of Wendy talking about his breath smelling like shit and things like that. Howard said she was a bit late with that. Robin said it makes sense that her birthday greeting would be slow.
Howard said Wendy made a phony phone call when she was up there too. Howard played the phony phone call where she called a locksmith to unlock her car. She said she was stuck in the car which was a convertible but the door was locked. She said the top is down but she can't get out. Then she said a bird shit on her head and it got in her mouth but it doesn't taste so bad. They hung up on her.
Howard said Chuck Berry died and he was the father of Rock and roll. Howard said two parodies came in from Psych and one from Eli Braden and they were both to Chuck Berry songs. Howard said they didn't ask them to write them but they did it. Howard played Psych's song and it was to Johnny B Goode. Howard said it was within minutes that they had these song parodies. Howard said then they got Eli Braden's song parody which was also to the tune of Johnny B Goode.
Howard said that was within minutes of each other. Howard said Psych and Eli are rivals in the Robin song parody field. Howard said that Little Mikey is in there too. Robin said she's doing the vocal fry thing now herself. She said Howard has to stop playing that stuff. Howard said he knows people who do that. He said he can't say anything to them.
Howard said earlier in the morning he said they have a Richard Simmons exclusive. Howard said they got in on this finding Richard Simmons thing. Howard said today they are going to blow the lid off the whole Richard Simmons thing. He played another promo for the Richard Simmons search.
Howard said you will not believe what they learned. He said Steve Nowicki went to California and walked to Richard's house. Howard said they will find out what happened. Howard said eat shit Access Hollywood.
Howard took a call from Steve from Florida who said he's on fire over the Wrap Up Show from last week. He said they had Laura Lippman on and she tore into his credibility as an instructor. Howard asked who that is. Gary said she's a best selling author and she's married to David Simon who created ''The Wire.'' Gary said she's a regular on the Wrap Up Show and she said that no one has ever heard of the awards that Bobo has. Steve said that you have to know laws as they change and things. He said that she was shooting down his credibility so he sent an article to Gary about himself. Howard had Steve repeat the awards he's gotten. Steve gave Howard a list of the instructor awards he's gotten for his driving instruction. Steve said he got some laws changed. Robin asked what laws he got changed. Steve said he's trying to get a back seat law changed. He said that you don't have to wear a seat belt in the back seat. He said he sat down with Senator Boyle and talked to him about that.
Howard said Laura Lippman just apologized because she didn't know that. Howard asked if it's really going to change things if you get a law changed. Steve said that he used to go to high schools and they would say they don't have to wear a seat belt in the back. Howard said that everyone knows that they should wear one back there. He said the law isn't going to change anything. Steve said that he used to get 3 papers a day and cut out the article about that. Howard said he should get a law about putting gum in the instructor's hair.
Gary said that Steve sent them an article from 2013. He said he didn't know that he worked for the post office for 37 years. Steve said he worked with the cops for 12 years too. He said that when he has his credibility attacked he gets ''very offensive.''
Sal came in and said that he knows that he was the worst driver at the post office. Sal said he did take over to teach people to drive. He said when he took over a route he would never park properly. He said he knows someone very close to him. Sal said he goes to the post office and they all say he was the shittiest driver they've ever seen. Steve said that he had the best job there. He said he worked 5 to 1:30 and weekends off. He said they're just jealous.
Howard took a call from Obo Bobo who was just a guy playing the Obo on the phone. Howard thanked him and took a call from California Bobo. Bobo said he has shocking news that Bobo plagiarized again. He said the story he told about 9/11 is almost word for word from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Howard said they were talking to Steve about losing someone on 9/11 but it turned out it was someone he lost on 9/12. Howard said that when he says that you assume it's someone he lost at the World Trade Center. Howard said it turns out the person died on 9/12. Howard said it's the funniest thing ever except that he had the story that high school kids would put gum and mayo packs in his toupee when they'd be in the back seat. Howard said that's horrible because kids just want to pass their course. Howard said they thought Steve was such a tool they'd put stuff in his hair. Steve said he almost got killed by a train. He said that his driver went through a railroad crossing and almost got killed.
Howard took a call from San Diego Bobo who goofed on Bobo for a bit. Howard took a call from Horse Bobo who was just sounds of a horse. Howard took a call from Robo Bobo after that. Howard talked to that guy for a minute about how he was like RoboCop but he's a driving instructor.
Howard let Steve go a short time later. Howard said he gets so much mail about Steve. He said that people want him off the show. Howard asked where else you can find a guy who says he got laws changed but no laws were changed. Robin said they have to question anything he says. Howard said it's the greatest.
Howard had a voicemail that Steve left for them about how he thinks all of his teachers hated him. In the clip Steve said his teacher wrote that he was a constant source of aggravation. Steve asked why a teacher would write that about a kid. Steve said that he'd love to match resume's with her now. Steve said another teacher said he has to learn to be quiet. Robin said that's a riot.
Howard asked how they worked the awards in with the phony phone call they put up. Gary said they used it when they called a heath show. Howard played that phony phone call. They called this show and played audio of Steve rattling off all of the awards he's won. The hosts of the show had to hang up on him because he wouldn't stop. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard said they have a new song parody about Ronnie. It was ''Hey Duu'' to the tune of Pink Floyd's ''Hey You.'' Howard played the song parody.
Howard said that they have been on the lookout for Richard Simmons and they blow the lid off of that whole thing today. He said that they sent Steve Nowicki out to California to Richard's home and what they found is shocking. Howard said this is an exclusive. Howard said he should do it now or maybe wait until 10 and drag it out.
Howard said you will be shocked about what they found. He played a promo for the bit. Howard said Robin will find it unbelievable. Howard said Robin will hear what they found out and she'll start lactating. He said that's the effect that it will have on her. Howard said Benjy just spit out a bowl of salad. Howard said he freaked out when she heard what they found.
Howard said Scarlett Johansson was there and she jumped out a window when she heard. Howard said what you're about to hear is Steve Nowicki in California. Howard said they asked him to find out what's going on with Richard Simmons. He said he was the only one willing to take the assignment. Howard said Steve went out and found shocking things. He said it shocked everyone. He said Gary's teeth shrunk when he found out what's going on. Howard said this has been unaltered. Howard said this is so shocking that Fred's hair turned white. He said it's white now.
Howard said that the bodies in Fred's trunk just screamed when they heard what's going on. He said Jason is so stressed he hasn't stopped eating since he found out. Howard said this is tape from California from Steve's tape recorder.
Howard played the clip of Steve talking about walking down Richard's street. Howard stopped it and said what you are about to hear is an exclusive for the Howard Stern Show. Howard got back to the tape and Steve was talking about his winding street and then he shows up at Richard's house. Howard said if you're driving you might want to pull over. He said that's how shocking this is.
Howard played more of Steve's tape where he goes to Richard's house. He describes the house and says it looks like the White House. Howard said all of your questions will be answered. He said they've been given word that Donald Trump is hugging Steve Bannon listening to this. He said Ronnie just passed out. He corrected himself and said he's actually just napping.
Howard played more audio and Steve said that he sees a guy in the yard. He asked the guy if he has seen Richard Simmons. The landscaper said no. Howard replayed that so Robin could hear it again. Howard said he missed it. He asked what he said. Howard asked where Steve is. Howard said they added a second gate to the house. Howard said now they've heard it. Howard asked Steve if he saw the gate. Steve said he did. He said he thinks they've added it in the past 3 years. Howard asked about the landscaper and if he was American or not. Steve said he's not sure but he did say ''no'' when he asked if he had seen Richard.
Robin asked if this is it. Howard said that's it. Robin said he's some investigator. Howard thanked Steve for that.
Howard asked Gary if he was upset or did he have a good vacation. Gary said he went to Florida and that's when he felt better about it. Gary said he was ready to be made fun of for the comedy show and all of that. He said he wasn't ready for his buddy Jason to go around asking what annoys them about him. He said that doesn't make him feel good. Howard said he has to write that down for next year.
Howard said the audience responded to this. He said that one guy was really angry at Gary about the fight. He said there were pro Gary and pro Shuli people in this. Howard played a clip of a guy going off on Gary about Shuli having more talent than Gary does. He said Gary is an idiot.
Howard asked if Gary and Shuli are talking. Gary said they are but not in the hallway. He said that they were in the elevator together. He said it was uncomfortable for him. He said it may have been for Shuli. Howard asked if he has a dialog in his head about that. Gary said he does but it doesn't involve any laughs.
Howard read some email about the Gary and Shuli fight. Howard had some anti-Shuli stuff in there. Howard read some of that and people were saying that he's a phony and some were saying that he's the best. Howard said one guy thinks Shuli has a fake laugh when he's on the verge of laughing. Howard read more of the anti-Shuli stuff.
Howard said that there are a lot of pro-Gary emails there. Howard went through some of those. Howard said that he has some email that are pro-Shuli too. Howard went through some of those and some people were saying that Shuli is super funny. There were people calling Gary a cunt and things like that. One guy called Gary a fat bitch. Howard said Gary has gained a lot of weight. He said he sat next to him in a meeting recently. Howard said that there were quite a few more for Shuli. He read a couple more where people pointed out how wrong Gary was.
Howard played some song parodies about the Gary and Shuli fight. He played one from Eli Braden. He said that was a nice summation from Eli. Howard said that was some line to work into a song. Howard said he and Fred are collaborating on a song. He said he told Fred to write him a hit. Robin said they've been doing that since they started the show. Howard said he's going to do this in the style of Funky Cold Medina. He said he will have a hit song on the charts very soon. Robin wanted to hear it. Howard said it takes time. He said he's not done writing it.
Howard said that he will work Robin into the song. They had a clip of Robin singing that they were going to try to get into the song. Howard said that he and Fred are like Elton John and Bernie Taupin.
Howard said there was some feedback about Memet in the email too. Howard read some mail about Memet disappearing from the show after getting very emotional on the air. Howard said Memet ran out and disappeared after the last appearance. Howard said he's keeping him off the show to make sure he's okay. Howard said he doesn't want to upset him again. Howard said some people aren't comfortable being on air as others. He said he thought it would be good to take a breather. Howard said they are human there. Howard played a song parody about Memet running off to cry.
Howard said they got a million songs like that so he felt like it was too much heat. Howard said Memet is a great guy. He said he's going to let him have a breather. He said he wants to hear more about his dating but he wants to make sure he's okay. Robin said that's fair. Howard said Memet did go to see King Kong with the guys. He said the irony is that he hated the movie. Howard said he hasn't seen the movie. He said they call it 4D and you sit in a chair that moves and they spray you with water and things. Robin said that sounds horrible.
Jason came in and said that it was actually pretty cool. He said the chairs are on rollers. He said when you're on a ship the chairs are moving like you're on the ship. He said he loves King Kong. He said that it was fun for what it was. He said it was King Kong going crazy and that's what it was supposed to be. Jason said that they do spray water on you but it's just a little spray. He said it's not a lot. Howard asked if he had a problem fitting in the chair. Jason said he didn't but he was afraid he would.
Howard asked what he ate at the movie. Jason said he had some soda and some candy. He had Reese's Pieces. Howard said he has to calm down. He said he's going to have a heart attack. Howard asked what size soda he had. Jason said it was a medium but it was huge. He said that he had a regular Coke. He said he's not going to mess with the diet stuff at this point.
Howard asked if Jason is upset about the weight gain. Jason said he is. He said when he went on vacation he wasn't able to go horseback riding because he's too heavy. He said the weight limit was 250 pounds. Howard asked what his wife says. Jason said she's subtle about it. He said they can get into fights if she brings it up. He said he snuck some White Castle the other day. He said he threw the bags away but she saw them in the garbage. Jason said she told him she just wants him to live. Jason said that was very impactful.
Howard had King Kong on the phone to talk about Memet. Howard picked up and one of the guys in the back told Jason he's fat and Memet should stop crying in the back. Jason said that Memet put his headphones on while they were on their way to the movie. He said that he thought that was an odd move. Howard said he's laying off the guy. He said he had a hard time. Howard let Jason go and Fred played him out with the sound of an elephant.
Howard played another clip where they asked Erik if he knows what it means to pop someone's cherry. Erik thought it means that it's when she breaks your balls. Erik thought it means when the girl cums.
Howard took a call from Gonzo who said that Erik quit the show because he was being cyber bullied. He said he's going to do the show by himself now. He said it's going to be the High Pitch Erik show with just Gonzo. Gonzo said that they have tons of listeners but Erik is quitting now. He said Erik has said he's taking off a couple of weeks for a mental health break. Howard said there you go. He said now they have a full update.
Howard said that he didn't do the obituaries. Howard said he has to get ready for his date with Scarlett Johansson. He said she doesn't know it's a date but it is. Howard said Robin can come along. Howard asked if he should take a break or take a phone call. Fred said he should take a call. Howard said he has to fix his hair before Scarlett gets there.
Howard took a call from a guy who did the ''Whoop, Whoop'' thing. Howard said he has to take a shower before Scarlett gets there. The caller said he saw Howard at a restaurant in Florida with Matt Lauer. He asked what they talk about because they seem so opposite. Howard said he doesn't have a lot of friends who are into talking politics. He said he and Matt get into great conversations about politics and about what's in the news. He said he enjoys his opinions. He said he's a sensible kind of guy too. Howard said he is such a recluse and he loves just sitting home with his wife. He said that he read an article about guys who don't have a lot of friends dying earlier. Howard said that he's isolated but he paints and reads. He said he's not all that outgoing. The caller said he's similar. He said he's dating a celebrity chef and he's kind of the same way. Howard said Matt reminds him of the friends that his parents had who would have discussions about the world. Howard said Matt reminds him of that. He said it's more than a superficial conversation when they talk.
Howard said Robin gave him some advice when he talked to her on the phone. He said that she's like his male and female friend. Howard said he goes to dinner with Ross once in a while. He said he's friendly with him too. He said that's about it. He said he won't get together with Fred. Howard said he would but he's caught up with the kid and wife and motorcycle. Howard said that's his thing.
The caller asked what's going on with the staff all getting obese. Howard said they say that they don't hire obese people but he has a bunch on his staff. Howard said he has to go and get ready for his date with Scarlett Johansson. Howard said he's not even sure if she's there yet. Howard said Ronnie is washing his balls in the sink. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Scarlett Johansson is there. He said he's a big fan of her's. He said her new movie is ''Ghost in the Shell.'' Scarlett came in and said that she's a big fan too. Howard said it's shocking to see someone you've seen in movies for so long. Scarlett said it is strange for her too. Howard said they can sit and stare at each other for hours. Howard said he's listening to her voice because people say she has the sexiest voice. Howard asked if it started when she was in the movie ''Her.'' Scarlett said she's always had this voice. She said it is kind of smoky. Howard said it is. Howard asked if she's heard this vocal fry thing that's going on. Scarlett said it sounds like you've had surgery of some sort. Howard said they say some women do it because it makes them sound more intelligent. Howard said it doesn't sound natural to him.
Howard asked Scarlett about doing commercials as a kid. Scarlett said she never was able to do them with the voice she had. She said it was deeper than it is now. Howard said she grew up in Manhattan. Scarlett said she did and she was one of those singing and dancing kids. Howard said so few kids actually make it but they all try it as a kid. Howard asked if she had to convince her parents to let her do it. Scarlett said she did. She said she was 3 and 4 and she liked to sing and dance. She said her older brother's friend had booked something with an agent. She said the parents told her parents to bring the kids. She said the agent didn't want her. She said that she was rejected for the first time at like 7. She said she was devastated. Scarlett said it's a lot of work and she wanted to do it so she found an agent that wanted to work with her.
Howard said that business is creepy. He said that they tell kids that you're not wanted. Scarlett said she would love that job. Howard said he'd hate that. He said he can't reject kids. Scarlett said it's character building. Howard asked if she would do that with her kid. Scarlett said she would if she wanted to do it. She said it's what the kid wants to do.
Howard said Scarlett's parents divorced when she was young. She said she was about 13. Howard asked about her twin brother. Scarlett said she has one and a sister too. Howard said when they all get together there must be a sense of competition. Howard said that she's acted in some of the best movies. Scarlett said her sister isn't competitive. She said she's sweet and supportive. Howard asked if she's like to be the only actress. Scarlett said she would. Howard said he likes that his sister isn't in show business. Howard said she has no desire to do that. Scarlett said her sister does a lot of voice work. She said she has much better speaking voice than she does.
Howard said he doesn't like this ''Scar-Jo'' thing they do. Howard said they shorten her name and he doesn't like it. He said it all started with the Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt thing. Scarlett said she thinks they started it with J-Lo. She said that she doesn't like it because there is something familiar about it. Howard asked what it would be like if they called him How-Ster. Scarlett said they would never do that because he doesn't have an O in his last name. Howard asked who decided that was her name. Scarlett said she's going to blame the NY Post. She said she blames them for a lot.
Howard said Scarlett did a lot of hard work to become an actor. Howard said they forget that she started at a young age. Howard said she had to go out at like 8 years old. Howard said she decided that she wasn't going to do commercials and she was only going to do films. Howard said that's something else. Scarlett said now she'll do basically anything. Howard asked if it was weird that her mom was her manager. Scarlett said it was seamless at the time. She said that she was doing it anyway. Scarlett said once she was working she was making sure that she was getting the proper schooling. She said she was helping to filter through a lot of work that was coming her way. She said she had to make the deals and all of that.
Howard said when she married for the first time she dropped her mom. Scarlett said she was 23 and it was time to make that transition into adulthood. Howard said she had to sit her mother down and break that news to her. Howard asked if she went to a therapist about that. Scarlett said it would have been smoother if she had. She said she thought she had it. Scarlett said it was a bumpy patch for a while there. She said that she thinks you have to let your kids do their thing at some point. Howard said it's good she didn't freak out and sit her down saying she had to cash in. Howard said imagine her mom sued her. Howard said that would be the greatest. Scarlett said don't give anyone any ideas.
Howard asked what age she was off Broadway in a play with Ethan Hawke. Scarlett said she was 8. She said she was being rejected on a lot of auditions. She said she did the first film ''North'' with a small part. She said that directors look at the reel of things kids are doing and they get some comfort from what they see.
Howard asked Scarlett about how hard it is to play in the adult world. Scarlett said she was used to being in that world. She said she went to Lee Strasberg and she moved into the older kids group. Howard asked if she was a prodigy. Scarlett said she's not sure how she got into that class. Howard said that would be like him playing in Little League and going to the pros. Scarlett said she's not sure how that happened. Howard asked if people were jealous because she was already in ''North'' with Rob Reiner directing her. Scarlett said kids weren't mean to her or anything. She said she wasn't very flashy or anything in class. Howard asked if she went to public school. She said she did. Howard said she must have been hot to the other kids. Howard said when he was 10 he thinks that there were hot 10 year olds. Scarlett said she went to PS-41 in Greenwich Village. She said she was like the third friend in the hot girl group. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. Howard said she was 10 and already in films though.
Howard said he knew a guy who was in the Patty Duke show and he was getting laid off of that. Scarlett said that other kids didn't give a shit what she was in. She said she was enamored with Ethan Hawke in the play she was in. Howard said that he represented what she wanted to be. Scarlett said he was gorgeous too.
Howard said to be a leading lady in Hollywood you have to have the look. Howard said Julia Roberts had that smile. Howard said Scarlett has something. Howard said she gets to be the leading lady. Howard asked if she is completely obsessed with her appearance. Howard asked if she was worried about getting pregnant and gaining weight. Scarlett said she likes to keep herself in good working condition but she's not obsessed. Robin said it's not just her body. She said it's her face too. Howard asked if she worries about her face like going to a baseball game and getting hit by a baseball. Scarlett said that any normal person would worry about getting hit in the face.
Howard said everything has to fall into place to be a leading woman. Howard said she has to have talent and a look that women and men freak out over. Robin said there are people who had their faces change. Scarlett said that's true. She said she's lucky that she transitioned from young adulthood and things stayed intact. She said that some people go from 10 to 17 and their nose ends up on their forehead. Howard asked if she's had any work done. Scarlett said she hasn't. She said that she's 32 years old. Howard said so many people have gotten Botox. Scarlett said they say it's a preventative measure but she can't do that because her face has to move. Howard said that it's crazy. He said that you might get to work 5 more years if you get it done.
Howard asked if she watches her own films. Scarlett said she sees it at the screening. Howard asked if she saw Ghost in the Shell. She said she did. Howard asked if she thinks he needs any work when she sees herself. Scarlett said she's more worried about her performance. She said that she wants to see the hard work she did come out well.
Howard said Scarlett did Match Point and he loved that film. He asked if that's more satisfying to her than doing Iron Man or Ghost in the Shell. Howard sake if it's all the same to her. Scarlett said making Ghost in the Shell was the hardest job. She said it was emotionally challenging. She said that it was just a lot. Howard said he eats this stuff up. He said he loves comic book stuff. He said he loves the idea of taking a human brain and putting it in a robot body. Howard said you know it's going to happen one day. Scarlett said she's not sure about that. Howard said he wants a body that looks like someone Scarlett finds appealing. Howard asked who she thinks is attractive. Howard asked who she would want to be in a film with if he asked her. Scarlett said she can't think of anyone. Scarlett said she's flop sweating. Howard asked if it's Brad Pitt. Scarlett said she likes guys like Gordon Ramsey. Howard said maybe he has a shot with her if that's who she's attracted to. Howard said she is single now. Howard said maybe he can set her up with Gordon. Scarlett said maybe Anthony Bourdain.
Howard said that he's obsessed with the idea of this movie. Howard said he would love to have a body that he could fly with. Howard said she uses a lot of weapons in the movie so was she trained? Scarlett said she was. She said she worked with retired New York City police. She said she has done a lot of weapons handing before though. She said she has done many hours of training. Robin said she's sort of an action star. Howard said not sort of, she is.
Howard asked if she thinks she could defend herself if she was attacked. Scarlett said she thinks so. Howard told Fred to attack her and find out. Howard asked if she has ever taken Kung Fu. Scarlett said she's just now taking it. She said she's good at looking like she can defend herself but she's taking classes now.
Howard asked what kind of guns she's used. Scarlett said she had a 9mm and she worked with blanks. Howard said Keanu Reeves trains with real guns and he's a masterful shooter. Howard said it's remarkable training. Howard said you have to be as good as a pro. Scarlett said she got really good at hand guns. Howard asked if she owns any. Scarlett said she doesn't but she would consider getting a license. She's not sure she'd get a gun though.
Howard said he really liked Ghost in the Shell. Howard said as soon as he heard about it he was so fucking there. Howard asked if she cares about box office. Scarlett said of course. She said it's so much work to make a film like this. She said she was using her body from morning to night. She said she was in really good shape then. She said she's in good shape now but better shape then. Howard said she's just about naked in the movie.
Howard said when she did the film with Sophia Coppola and they showed her panties... Scarlett said she hates that word. Howard changed it to underwear. Howard said the story is that she was debating if she should do it. Scarlett said she loves that Howard is telling her what she was doing. Howard said he heard Sophia convinced her to do it by shooting herself in underwear. Howard said that's the story he heard. Scarlett said clearly not. She said that she never did that. Howard said that's the movie she did with Bill Murray. Howard said he thinks he'd be the greatest guy to work with but he's quirky and weird. Howard asked what the real scoop is. Howard said he thinks that Bill is the funniest and a great actor. Scarlett said she was so excited to work with him. She said it was hard though. She said they made that film in like 27 days. Howard said it was called ''Lost in Translation.'' Scarlett said it was hard for her. She said she felt almost out of the loop. She said she was only 17 years old. Howard said Bill is so eccentric. Scarlett said she thinks it was because Bill has his quirks and he had his ups and downs. She said he was always on and she was only 17 and more introspective.
Howard asked if she was afraid if Bill on set. Howard said that he must be so loose to work with. Scarlett said that they worked well together once they were shooting. She said most of the scenes were written. She said that he did improvise at times. Howard said it was a great movie. Scarlett said no one knew that it would be so profound.
Howard said it must have been great working for Sophia Coppola too. Scarlett said when she met her she met her for Virgin Suicides. She said that she wanted her to do something for that movie but it was too intense for her at that age. She said Sophia told her that she wrote this movie for her with her and Bill in mind. Howard asked if she was blown away by the moving making $100 million. Scarlett said he was blown away by the premiere and everything. She said that she had worked with other people before but this was just mind blowing.
Howard said Scarlett was nominated for Golden Globes that year too. Scarlett said when that happened she got an offer from Michael Bay. She said it was called The Island. She said that she got the offer to work on Match Point with Woody and that's when the door opened. Howard said now you have the freedom to fail. Howard said you have to be cautious about what you pick next. Scarlett said that as long as you're proud of the work you do and stand by it it's fine.
Robin asked about how Scarlett picks movies. Scarlett said that it's rare when something comes across and you think about the box office. Howard said no one really knows how it's going to be. Howard said that doing Iron Man is a good one because it's big money. Scarlett said that she's not a big comic book fan but she met with Jon Favreau and he was so great directing. She said the cast was great. She said she got to work with Gwyneth and Robert and everyone. She said that was a great opportunity. She said that they didn't know what would launch Marvel.
Howard asked how fun it was to work with Robert Downey Jr. She said he's great. She said it's outrageous. Howard asked if she signed away her life for that movie. Scarlett said she did at the time but she later on renegotiated. She said it was good for her and for Marvel though.
Howard asked if Scarlett had to turn down anything she wanted to make. Scarlett said not really. She said she was excited to work on The Avengers. Howard asked if kids bug her about that. Scarlett said it's more like 23 year old guys. Howard asked how hard it is to get into that suit. Scarlett said she's so tired of talking about the Ghost in the Shell outfit. Howard said that it's hot that's why people want to know. Howard said it's intriguing to men. He said that she's nude but not really nude. Scarlett said they can leave it at that. She said they ask how she goes to the bathroom and people don't need to know that. Howard said he needs to know.
Robin said that Scarlett has been nude in a film. Howard asked her about that and what the dilemma is for doing something like that. Scarlett said that she didn't think that any asses would be in the seats for that. She said that was her reasoning.
Howard said Scarlett was involved in the hack that released pictures of her. Howard said refused to look at any of those pictures. He said it's a real invasion of privacy. Scarlett said it was devastating. She said that this was about 10 years ago and it was the first time that it happened in such a widespread way. Scarlett said the person who did hack into her email account was impersonating her and trying to get other pictures. He had also been following two girlfriends. She said that guy was sentenced to 20 years in jail. She said that he was stalking other women too. Scarlett said that she was one of like 50 people he was doing that to. Howard said that these people have their ways of scamming people. Scarlett said it's not that hard to do apparently. Howard said he could never do it. He said he felt so bad for her. Scarlett said it was such a degrading thing to go through. She said that she feels bad for anyone who has that happen. She said it was invasive and she's not sure what else she has to give people. Howard said it's skeevy.
Howard asked if he gets credit for not looking. Scarlett said sure. She said as a gentleman and a person he does of course.
Howard said Scarlett did this movie ''Under the Skin'' and that was another great movie. Howard said she would have sex and then drain the guy. Howard said he loved that. Scarlett said she was really proud of that one. She said she loves Jonathan Glazer. She said that he was the director. Scarlett said he had such a great vision for the movie. Howard asked if the guys she picked up where actual guys she found on the street. Scarlett said they were. Howard said they see her and they just get in the car. Scarlett said they didn't know they were shooting a movie. She said they had a system called something she can't remember. She said that they would just pick guys up in the car and take them home.
Howard asked if Scarlett watches porn and thinks about the acting. Scarlett said she thinks that people are taking out of the porn when it's bad acting. She said there is some good acting. Howard said it's an unusual director who will hide a camera and pick up strange guys. Scarlett said she's not sure Jonathan even knew it would work. She said that she just went with it and she gave it a shot. Howard said he would say that he's an actress and he'd want to work with actors. Howard asked if there were any guys who wouldn't get in the car. Scarlett said she had to judge if she wanted the guy in the car. She said you can hook them on the line and get them in. She said that they were in Scotland too so they might be more trusting.
Howard said Scarlett didn't win her Golden Globes. He asked if she had a speech written. Scarlett said no. She said she didn't think she was going to win. Howard asked if she would want an academy award. Scarlett said she wouldn't mind a lifetime achievement award. Howard said he'd prepare a speech. Scarlett said that she'd like to think that it would come from the heart.
Howard said Woody Allen had cast Cate Winslet in the role in Match Point. Howard said she must kick herself in the ass for not doing that. Scarlett said that she did a film with Woody last year. Howard said Match Point was a comeback for Woody and Cate bowed out. Howard said she thinks that she went to see it and she was upset she turned it down. Howard asked if she thinks she saw it. Scarlett said he hopes so. Howard asked if she wrote her a note. Scarlett said she should have. Howard asked if she has ever gone to see a movie that she's turned down. Scarlett said she has. Robin asked if she regrets it.
Howard said he has a list of movies she's turned down. Howard said she auditioned for Jumanji but Kirsten Dunst got it. Scarlett said she liked the movie. Howard asked if she hated it. Scarlett said she was very young so she wasn't bitter yet.
Howard asked Scarlett about auditioning for the Parent Trap. He said Lindsay Lohan got that movie. Scarlett said she did audition for that. She said she didn't go see that one. She said she started to get bitter at that point. Howard asked why she didn't see it. Scarlett said she thinks that she was too old for the part. She said she may have been too old to see it.
Howard said that Scarlett auditioned for Les Mis and she didn't get it. Anne Hathaway got that. Howard said the movie ''Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'' was another one and they said that she was too beautiful for the part. Howard said Rooney Mara got it. Howard said poor Rooney. Scarlett said what happened was she thinks that the director told her that she had to look like she was totally uncaring of herself and she was deprived. She said that she thought she could do that but the director said she couldn't. Scarlett said she thinks that they had a different vision for that character. She said Rooney is so great in that role though. Howard said there is such a handful of leading ladies. Howard said that hey don't all know each other though, right? Scarlett said you see them out at award ceremonies or things like that. She said that they don't all get together.
Howard asked if Scarlett would audition for a TV show. Scarlett said he loves TV shows. She said she did audition for Danny Boyle a couple of years ago. She said she has been working for the past 6 years so she hasn't even had time to do anything else.
Howard asked if Scarlett has ever been rejected by a guy she liked. Scarlett said of course. Howard asked who this person is. He asked who wouldn't want to be with her. Scarlett said there's an ass for every seat. She said she was totally flabbergasted. Howard said he wants to know who this is.
Howard said Scarlett has hosted Saturday Night Live 5 times now. Howard asked about how that works. Scarlett said that Howard has been there so he knows it's a well oiled machine. She said the host is there for that week but it's a crazy environment. Howard asked if she remembers her lines. Scarlett said that it's better to work off the cue cards. She said that you don't want to remember your lines. She said that she was told that Betty White had to memorize her lines because she couldn't read the cue cards.
Howard said Kate McKinnon is great and Scarlett did a movie with her. Scarlett said she's great. Howard asked if she's friends with a lot of famous people. Scarlett said that her friends are all friends from high school. She said that they're all great and have their own things going on. Howard said he's so sorry to hear she doesn't have famous friends. Howard said he has been photographed having dinner with Billy Joel. Howard asked who she has been out to dinner with. Scarlett said Woody Allen. Howard said he went out with Matt Lauer. Howard said match that. Scarlett said she can't think of anyone else she's been out with. She said she's fiends with Chris Evans. Howard said he's Captain America. Howard said he wants to know how he puts his suit on. Howard said he thinks it would be very satisfying for her to hang out with other actors. Howard said he went to a party recently and there were some really great people there. Scarlett said she has friends who have a social gathering and there's really no follow up after that. Howard said he thinks that people assume she's too busy for that. Scarlett said he actually has a very free social calendar. She said she lives there in New York mostly. Howard said he wonders what she's up to. Scarlett said she lives in France at times too.
Howard asked Scarlett if she's going to date now that she's single again. Scarlett said she will have to go to one of these salons that Howard is talking about. Howard asked if she's on guard. She said she's on guard because she has a young daughter. Howard said maybe she should date one of the Avengers. Howard asked who is single out of that group. Scarlett asked who she should date. Howard asked who looks like Gordon Ramsey.
Howard said she should set her up. Howard said he would like that to be known if it worked out. Howard said he will set her up with Wayne Siegel. He said maybe David Spade. Howard said he's going to think on it. Howard said she needs a comedian. Scarlett said that they have a dark side. Howard said maybe Louis C.K.. Howard said maybe Orlando Bloom. Scarlett said she knows him and he's a very nice guy. Howard said he met him at a party and he's very handsome. Howard said maybe John Stamos. Scarlett said he has a lot on her plate right now so maybe not.
Howard said the new movie that Scarlett is in is ''Ghost in the Shell.'' Howard said he's sure this will be a blockbuster. Howard said you can't go wrong with this.
Howard said it would be great if Scarlett was dating Anthony Weiner. Howard said that's a way to get attention for the movie. Howard asked if Scarlett can walk around the city without a problem. Scarlett said of course she can. She joked that she puts on a Howard Stern wig to walk around in as her disguise. Howard said he had a disguise once that he was photographed in and he looked ridiculous.
Howard asked if Scarlett watches The Bachelor. She said she doesn't. She said she never got into it. Howard said he loves it. Howard asked if she watches anything like The Walking Dead. Scarlett said she likes to watch Shark Tank and Black Mirror. She said she loves Shark tank so much that she wants to be a celebrity guest. Howard said she'd be a great Bachelorette. Scarlett said she would hate that. She said that sounds like the most awful thing. Howard said he has to talk to her off the air about that.
Howard said Ghost in the Shell is coming out Friday. Howard said he has to figure it will be number 1 at the box office. Scarlett said she hears that it's incredible in IMAX 3D. Howard said the Japanese are saying that she shouldn't play the character because she's not Japanese. Howard said that's ridiculous. Howard said she's in a machine. Howard asked if she was shocked by that. Scarlett said nothing surprises her anymore.
Howard asked if the movie is in 4D like Kong. Scarlett said doesn't know about that. She said that they shot it in 3D. She said it adds a whole other experience. Howard asked if she did her own stunts. Scarlett said he did a lot for this movie. She said she did a lot of hand to hand combat. She said it took almost 6 months to shoot. She said it was a lot of work. She said they shot it in New Zealand. Howard asked if it's nice there. Scarlett said it's really nice. She said she was nursing at the time so she was full on. Howard asked if she had cracked nipples. Scarlett said she did at the beginning. She said that she put vitamin E on them to help. Howard asked if it's wild to think she had food inside her that sustained life. Scarlett said it is shocking. She said her daughter self weaned so that was nice. She said she did that about halfway through the movie.
Howard said Scarlett was pregnant during the Avengers shoot. She said she was like 6 or 7 months pregnant ate the time. She said she made sure not to do anything too crazy during that shoot. Howard said she seems pretty together. Howard said he's wondering what's wrong with her. He said he wonders what she's up to. Howard asked if she's taking vacations. Scarlett said he will. Howard asked where she'll go. He suggested Turks and Caicos but then he said don't go because there were too many ants there. Howard said that he looked at his wife and she had ants all over her. He said they looked like crazy ants. He said that he was freaking out when he saw them. Howard said the whole house had ants in it. Howard said they went to dinner and they got back and the place stinks. Howard said he found cans of spray for ants in the kitchen. Howard said he had a bad experience. Scarlett said it sounds like it was just the house that had a problem.
Howard asked where Scarlett likes to go. Scarlett said she likes Jamaica. Howard asked if she's smoked weed there. Scarlett said she has. She said she's not really a ''weed person'' though. Howard said the guys down there must go nuts for her.
Howard asked what kind of budget they had for this film. Scarlett said that it was like $130 million or so. She said that they did it with Paramount and Dreamworks. Howard asked if she met Steven Spielberg. She said not for this. She said has met him before but not for work.
Howard said that he's looking at the movies coming out this week. Howard said Beauty and the Beast is out and he thinks they've had enough of that.
Scarlett mentioned that she's performed with Pete Yorn and Howard was ready to set her up on a date with Pete. Scarlett said that he's married with a beautiful family. She said she thinks of him like family. Howard said that he has to be in love with her.
Howard said this movie is great. He said that he liked the guy who got new eyes. Howard said that was great. Howard said that he has seen the movie ''Lucy'' like 3 or 4 times. Howard said that was a good one. Scarlett said that someone in D'Agastinos told her that she's everywhere when she was in there the other day. Howard said that's what happened to her character. She was everywhere.
Howard said that once Scarlett's daughter gets older she's going to have to have the other moms over and she'll have them checking out all of her stuff and talking about her behind her back. Howard said she might want to home school that kid. Scarlett laughed. Howard did an impression of those women talking about how she lives.
Howard gave Scarlett a plug for the movie and asked if she thinks it'll make over $100 million. Scarlett said hopes so. Howard asked if she has a piece of the movie. Scarlett said of course. Howard said he heard that Sandra Bullock got $75 million because she took back end on the movie ''Gravity.'' Howard said imagine that. Howard said go see ''Ghost in the Shell'' this weekend. Howard said he would love to be in a robot body like her character. Howard said if anyone out there can do it let him know.
Howard started to wrap up with Scarlett. Scarlett said she has to tell him something. She said that she remembers watching Howard hosting a New Years Eve party. Howard said he came out of the stage on a toilet. Scarlett said it's hard not to think of Howard on that toilet. She said she thinks she was only 6 or 7 when that came out. She said she saw it because her parents let her see it. Howard asked if her parents stayed in her life when they divorced. Scarlett said they did. She said she was 13 by that point though so she was pretty independent. She said she had some times when she was a little wild. She said that she lived in New York so she'd drink Mike's Hard at 1 in the morning in a park. She said that she was one of those blonde hoodlum kids.
Howard said he wishes he had a movie of her doing that stuff. Scarlett thought that was creepy. Howard said he's saying it like they were both the same age. He said he'd want to act out with her at the same age.
Howard asked if Scarlett ever hears from old boyfriends. Scarlett said she did hear from a guy who she knew in high school. She said that Jack Antonoff, who is now Lena Dunham's boyfriend, dated her in high school. She said he went on to have a very successful career.
Robin said that the movie ''Her'' was great too. She said they didn't get to talk about that much. Robin said she loved that.
Scarlett asked what kind of robot Howard thinks he'd look like if he was put in one. Howard said with his luck they'd make a robot that looks just like him.
Howard gave Scarlett some more plugs and told her it's okay to not say hello to Fred on the way out. He wrapped up and went to break after that. As they went to break they played a phony phone call that Wood Yi made to a black barber shop.
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Howard came back and did a live commercial read. Then he said Scarlett Johansson was there and now she's gone. Howard said he was going to do some obituaries but he didn't get to them today. He said he was going to do Chuck Berry and Chuck Barris. He said he'll do them tomorrow though. He said Robin is going to do her news instead. Howard said he's going to write a movie where Chuck Berry's brain is put in a robot body. He said he'll talk about him tomorrow including the piss stuff.
Howard said maybe they can make a movie where they take Chuck's brain and put it in Scarlett's body. Robin said he would love that.
Robin said she was thinking about how amazing it is that Scarlett was only 17 in the movie ''Lost in Translation.'' She said that Elizabeth Taylor was very young playing those type of rolls too. Howard said she's so profound that she's making him think. He said it's time for news though. He had a song parody for her from Little Mikey.
Robin started her news with a story about a Korean dog meat farm in South Korea. Howard said that it's so sad. He said that dogs are your friend. Howard said cows are too. He said Richard can tell you. He grew up with them. Howard said he had a cow named Calfie. Howard said that's the worst name for a pet cow. Robin said they did hire him for his creativity. Robin said he was a late bloomer. Howard said Richard's dad sent him some deer jerky. He said Richard thinks he got sick from it. Howard said he's sure that shit's not packaged properly.
Robin read about the humane society saving a bunch of dogs from dog farms. Howard said the world is not evolving. Howard said they eat dogs. Howard said they should take everyone who is eating dogs and feed them to the dogs.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that America's Got Talent is falling apart since he left. She said that Mel B is getting divorced. Howard said he knows her and her husband and that doesn't surprise him. Howard said he doesn't want to get into it. Mariann said the show is tanking. Howard said it is not. He said it's doing fine. Mariann said that's because there's nothing else on during the summer. Howard said he wishes it did tank but it's doing fine. He said the show used to be David Hasselhoff and Jerry Springer and it did fine. Howard said it does fine whoever is on the show. Howard said it's on during the summer and it'll continue to do fine. Howard said that they could get Butch Patrick, a dead Chuck Berry and Yoko and it would still do the same. Howard said he guarantees it would be the same stupid rating. He threw out Webster, Amazon Alexa and Yakoff Smirnoff to host and it would be fine. Howard said Howie Mandel says he'd do it for free. He said Heidi Klum would do it no matter what. He said Simon Cowell was so desperate to get the show that he wrote emails behind his back to get him off the show. Howard said they came to him a few times with a half assed offer to do that show.
Howard said he's going to start a competing show and get Richard Simmons' house keeper, Rabbi Schmuli and the Where's the Beef woman to judge. Howard said that show will do just fine too. He said there you go. Howard threw out some other obscure names to judge and he thinks that they'd get the same ratings with those people. Howard said the show is the show. He said it's a talent show that people like. He said any shit head could sit on that judging panel. Howard said even Tito Jackson, Biff from Letterman and Joey Buttafuoco would do just fine. He said Jimmy JJ Walker could host.
Robin got back to her news and read about Antonio Banderas recovering from a heart attack he had in January. Robin said there are a lot of people who are fit but not healthy. Robin read about how Banderas claims that no damage was caused by this heart attack. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Rachel Dolezal and her new book where she talks about her childhood being like slavery. Howard said he read an excerpt from her book and that was some crazy fucking shit. Robin said that she claims she knew that she felt her blackness when she read National Geographic magazine. Robin said she would rub mud on her body thinking that's what she would look like if she was black. Robin had some other details that she discussed with Howard. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a woman who claimed she was attacked by 3 black men and it turns out that her story was a hoax. Howard said that's how he met Fred. He said he claimed to be raped by a black guy and he proved him wrong. They became friends after that.
Robin read a story about the Trump budget being released while they were away. Robin went through some of the stuff that they found. Robin said he's against nation building outside the United States and people are wondering why we need a bigger military if he's not going to build the nation. Robin said he was making a lot of cuts and people are questioning that as well. Robin read about how Trump's health care act failed completely. Robin said they didn't even bother to vote on it.
Howard said he was reading about how in Canada they give everyone health insurance for about half of what we pay here. Howard said we should look into that. Howard said they're as close as you can get to America. Robin said a lot of people were pointing to Canada during the election process. Robin said there are pros and cons with their system too.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said he got an exercise bike. He said this guy Mike from his 'Scope brought it up to him. Howard said that's good. Jeff said it's from Gold's Gym. Robin asked if he has that in the trailer too. Howard said yeah, because there's tons of room in there. Howard said he knew a guy who said he had a gym in his house and it turned out to be an exercise bike in his bedroom.
Howard said he was thinking about Jeff. He said he's going to have a meeting about Jeff and some other people. He said he has an idea for a thing. He said keep your schedule open. Gary said Jeff tweeted out a picture of himself this morning and he has a handlebar moustache. He said it's all white. Gary said someone said he looks like a gay pirate. Howard took a look and said it looks so odd. He said that's weird. Howard said he has to go after Jeff's phone made a noise. Howard said it's after 11 and he has to get out of there. Howard said Sour Shoes calls in at 11 too. He said that he's on the air from 7 to 11 and they call in at 11. Howard said call in at 7 or 8, not 11. Howard said Ralph does that as well. Howard said he's actually working for free right now. He said the microphone should cut off at 11. He said it should be against the law to go past 11.
Robin read more about how Trump is saying that Obamacare is going to ''explode'' and they'll figure out something else. Robin said that they're saying Trump is going to concentrate on other areas now. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that.
Robin read a story about how researchers are growing beating, human heart cells on spinach leaves. Robin read about how they're doing this and how it could help heart attack patients.
Robin read a story about a Brooklyn Detective who was arrested for doing a lewd act. Robin said that they discovered this man was exposing himself in people's back yards at night. Robin had some audio of one of the witnesses commenting on that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about headphones and the affect they can have on your hearing. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Howard said that Ralph is on the phone. Howard said he's got to get out of there. Ralph said Scarlett was really good on the show. He said she seems like a really cool chick. Howard said they should hang out with her. Ralph said that would make her life a complete disaster. Howard said imagine Ralph started dating her. Ralph said if she put on that Black Widow outfit he'd flip out. Howard said Ralph would bring that up and blow the whole thing. Howard let Ralph go after that. Howard said imagine Scarlett was so into you that she'd do that for you.
Robin read more about the hearing story and gave Howard some more details about that. Robin had some other health news she went through.
Robin read a story about Snoop Dogg inducting Tupac into the Rock and Roll hall of fame in a couple of weeks.
Robin read a story about Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds having a public memorial recently. Robin had some audio of Todd Fisher speaking at the event.
Robin read a story about Kim Kardashian going to therapy for her mental breakdown after she was robbed. Howard said she was mentioned in their show. Howard said that she mentioned him saying that he was one who said if she lied about the robbery that she should go to jail. Howard said someone called in about that and he just commented on the story. He said he should get an apology for that. Howard said he thinks he was very sensitive about it actually. Robin said that Kim was in tears in last week's show. She was saying she hopes she doesn't snap. Robin had some clips for Howard to play. Howard asked if Wendy the Slow Adult was part of the robbery. Fred played clips of Wendy saying ''yes'' over and over. Howard asked if it's more traumatizing to be robbed or have your dad come home and tell you he's turning into a woman. Howard said that's a lot to handle. That led to Howard talking about his dad dressing up as a woman a couple of times. He said his dad was dressing like a Miss America pageant winner. Howard said maybe he put that in one of his books. He said maybe not. He said his dad used to call him Miss America so that's where the title of his book came from.
Robin read a story about Beauty and the Beast being number 1 at the box office with $88.3 million. Robin said it's made $317 million total so far in America. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about how he likes those guys in the Fab Faux. He wondered if they're still doing that. Robin said she was about to ask that.
Howard said people are still yelling Baba Booey at sporting events. He said they're still doing it on live news feeds too. He said he has some ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' clips to play too. He said he has to talk about the people who died when they were on vacation. Howard said there's now a Bobo Swear Jar. He said anyone who calls Steve from Florida ''Bobo'' has to put $5 in a jar. He said there are others there who are doing that. He doesn't do that himself. He said they were debating if they should put in $1 or $5. He said they're going to give the money to a good cause. That's going to go to Howard. He said his kids will get it. He said that's a good charity.
Howard asked where the swear jar is. He thought it was in there. Howard said they have a big swear jar. Fred played a sound effect of change going into a jar.
Howard played a clip of fake Underdog Lady (Rachel Butera) telling them who is on the show today. They have Craig Ferguson coming in. Howard said that Underdog is his arch enemy. Howard said she called him an evil warlock.
Howard said his wife asked him to do something. He said they have this petition going for the Yulin Dog Meat festival. He said that they take thousands of dogs who are tortured and stuffed in tiny cages. Then they take them in the streets to terrify them. Howard said they have them out there to hear them screaming so their adrenaline is going. He said they think that they give people special powers. Howard said they skin them alive and all of this stuff. Howard said there are thousands of dogs and cats that they butcher in China. Howard said that's what's going on in China. He said it's happening June 21. He said they have a petition going on North Shore Animal League to try and stop it. He said go to HowardStern.com and they'll give you the link there.
Howard said it's disguising what's going on in the world. He said his wife asked him to pass that along. He said he loves his wife so he does that. He said he loves dogs and cats too so he's going to help.
Howard said he'll probably get a blow job for bringing it up on the air. Fred played a sound effect of someone blowing a guy. Howard said he felt bad for girls doing that. He said he doesn't like blow jobs because of that. Robin asked why he's different than other guys. Howard said he's gross. He said he thinks a woman would do it for him but she doesn't want to be doing it. Robin asked who should be getting one. Howard said Orlando Bloom.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he doesn't call President Trump and tell him to just nuke China. Howard said that will probably happen. The caller said he didn't know about the dog festival thing. Howard said he had to bring that up fast. He said the audience will go sign the petition. The caller asked where he signs up. Howard told him to go to the web site and the link is there.
Howard said he also watched some of Dancing with the Stars. Robin said she watched the first week to see how people dance. Howard said he had to see Beverly Jane on the show.
Howard said the best dancer was this black woman who is a gymnast. Howard said he's fascinated by her. Robin said they have a professional dancer on the show who isn't as good as she is. Howard said gymnasts are tiny and she has a dude's upper body. He said she looks like she should have a cock. Howard said he likes her. He said he was wondering if he should be attracted to her. Gary said someone said they were next to her and she's really tiny. Howard said she's slightly taller than Beetlejuice.
Howard said speaking of Beetlejuice they have become the place for original phony phone calls. He said they bring you a few a day. Howard said that's often overlooked there. Howard said to go into adulthood and make phony phone calls and make an art of it is great. Howard said it's so involved too. He said that not every one is stellar but if he hears one he's going to listen. Howard said anyone getting jerked around he's going to listen to.
Howard said their phony phone call guys were listening and someone called into a Swap Shop show and some guy was asking for this guy Trent. Howard played some of the audio and this guy was asking for this guy Trent who was trying to sell something. Howard said they got the guy's number and they had Beetlejuice call the guy. Howard said they wanted to see if that guy could have a conversation with the hillbilly dude. Howard played the call and Richard called the guy as Trent. The hillbilly guy asked what he was looking for. Richard put his brother Lester on the phone to give him the information. They had Beetlejuice asking him what the hell he was talking about. They had Beet giving random numbers and just answering the guy with nonsense. The guy eventually said he had to go but it was nice talking to him.
Howard said his show brings people together. Howard said that's great. He said the guy sounds like someone who fucks his cousin but he's sure he didn't. Howard said he's thinking of hiring that guy to do a TV show called The Oddest Couple. Howard said they have new phony phone calls every day.
Howard said late night TV is great. He said he'll read books about it. He said he has read books about late night in the past and he loves talk shows. Howard said even Mike Douglas. He said he was fascinated by all of that.
Howard said the stuff that the guys say is all bullshit now. He said they say stuff to him behind the other guy's backs now. He said it's total fucking bullshit. Howard said that they're not friends. He said they want to see each other die. Robin asked if Trevor Noah is in that group. Howard said he doesn't count cable in the late night wars. He said Chelsea Handler used to ask why she wasn't in the wars. Howard said it's because she's on cable. Howard said Conan is on cable too so he's not in the war. He said he loves the whole Conan thing with Jay Leno and all of that. He said he even liked Magic Johnson and those guys back in the day.
Howard said Johnny Carson would go ballistic. He said this whole thing about the hosts liking each other is bullshit. He said no one likes each other. Robin asked if they have dinner together. Howard said if they are having dinner together it's ridiculous.
Howard said he has to take his first break. He said after that he's going to talk about Chuck Berry and Chuck Barris dying. Howard said Chuck Berry was a bitter man. He said he didn't know his music all that well. He said he was too young. Howard said that he honors him because he did influence the bands he liked.
Howard said he'd rate Chuck Norris at number 1 out of all of the Chucks. He said he watched his TV show and he loved his movies. Howard said there are a lot of Chucks who come before Chuck Berry. Howard said he likes Chucky the doll and Chuck-E-Cheese better.
Howard said they should make a movie with the Gary puppet as a Chucky like doll. Howard said just look at that thing. Howard said he wishes they were doing the Howard 360 thing now so they could all look at it. Howard told Gary to call JJ Abrams so he can work out a movie deal with the Gary puppet. He said JJ will probably grab that project. He said it would be Gary Puppet The Movie.
Howard belched and said there's a tiger in there. Robin said it's like the tiger on The Walking Dead. Howard said he loves that show but they have to get to the war already. Robin said they have to prepare. Howard said they are going on too long and they have to get to war. Robin said she thinks half those people won't even fight.
Howard got the list but he said he doesn't want to do this. He said people are going to get upset. He said that he's going to put Ronnie and JD in there even though they were left out. Gary said that it's two guys who will be having dinner with him. Howard said he doesn't get why they're special. Howard told Gary to let him handle this. Howard said he has to go to dinner with someone from work and this is the brackets.
Howard said the first bracket is Ronnie or JD. Howard said this has nothing to do with who he likes the best or who does the best work. Howard said it's about who he would rather have a conversation with. Robin said that's because he likes them. Howard said he sees Fred vs. Gary. He said he's never going to have dinner with Fred. He said it's always awkward. Howard said he's not hard to talk to but it's awkward. He said they've been through the radio wars together but if it's between him or Gary he's going with Gary. He said Gary is a better conversationalist. Howard said he'd rather have dinner with Gary. Fred said he should. Howard said Fred is awkward and he's awkward. He said they email and it's fine. Howard said between Fred and Gary he's going with Gary. He said no offense to Fred. Fred said that was a given.
Howard asked Gary if he's surprised by that. Gary said he's not going to get into any drama. Gary said he and Fred have nice conversations. He said that they don't talk a lot though. He said they do talk in the hall once in a while.
Howard said the next one is Jason vs. Will. Howard said they're both great guys but if he has to pick he's going with Jason. Howard said Will is kind of a downer. Robin asked if he is. Howard said Will is a beaten man. Howard said Jason likes to have conversation. He said Will is brilliant and funny but when it comes to small talk it's very awkward. He said he's uncomfortable around him. Howard asked if Will is okay with that. Will said he saw the writing on the wall with that one. Howard said he loves Will like a brother. He said if he had to have one as a son he's not sure who he'd pick. He said maybe Will because he eats less. Howard said with Jason he'd have a big obligation.
Howard said the next one is Brent or Jon Hein. Howard said he likes talking to Jon. He said he likes talking to Brent but he's a little weird. Howard said he loves the guy though. Howard said Jon likes to talk tech and stuff. He said he might go with Brent over Jon. He said he loves Jon though. Howard asked if Jon is going to be destroyed over that. Jon said he loves him too. Howard said Jon has a creepy stare. He said he's just a little creepy with that stare. Howard said he thinks he's going with Brent.
Robin said no dinner is actually coming out of this. Everyone can just calm down. Howard said Sal and Richard are next. Howard picked Richard immediately. He didn't have to think about it. Howard said Richard is an alcoholic and a hillbilly but he's a drummer and he can have conversations with him. He said it's kind of normal and fun but he has that dopey smile plastered on his face. Howard said Sal is so fucking strange. Howard asked if Sal is upset about that. Sal said that he gets the message loud and clear. He said they did have a blast at Jason's wedding. Howard said that he was entertaining there. Howard said Sal at that wedding was like his court jester. Howard said Sal was drawing in the sign in book and things like that. Gary said that day for Sal was like the greatest ever. Sal said he did whatever Howard told him to. Howard said he did tell him to do a lot of stuff. Sal said he told him to take his cock out on the dance floor when Jason and his wife were dancing. Sal said Beth told him to just stop it.
Howard asked Jason how long ago that was. Jason said it was 8 years ago. Howard said Sal remembers it like it was yesterday. Howard said speaking of Richard he loves his father. He said he was listening to another voicemail and he was telling Richard what a good dinner he had. Howard said some people would find that annoying but he loves it. Howard said his father never did anything like this. He said that's why he loves Richard's dad so much. He said he gets a kick out of being with his son. Howard played a clip of Richard's dad talking about eating catfish and sweet potato fries and things like that. He was talking about the jerky he mailed to Richard too.
Howard said his dad wouldn't have called to tell him if he had fucked Raquel Welch. Howard said he never did anything like that. He said his dad is just angry. Howard said his dad would think that's just stupid. He said his mother would think that's just weird to call your son to talk about what you ate. Howard did his impression of his parents talking about that stuff. Howard had his mother going off on Richard's parents.
Howard said eating is one of the best experiences. He said if you lost your taste buds you'd lose out on so much. Howard said this guy had a good meal and he picked up his phone to talk to his son about it. Howard said he would love that. Robin said this guy really fell in love. She said that he must really love his son and he wants to share everything with him. Howard did his impression of Richard's Dad. Howard said Richard got sick from the deer jerky his father sent to him in the mail.
Richard came in and said that he doesn't want to blame the jerky but the next day his stomach didn't feel good. He said he went right back to eating the jerky though. He said his body had to get used to it. Howard said he had a fever and aches. Richard said he doesn't want to blame it on the jerky. He said they had it made at the butcher. He said when his mom makes it it's way better.
Howard asked if Sal was upset he picked him over Sal. Richard said not really. He said he thinks he knows dinner isn't going to happen either way. Richard said he gets it. Howard said Sal is destroyed. Richard said he's just trying to make him feel better. He said that was really nice what he said about his dad.
Howard asked Richard how his dad knows which mushrooms to pick. Richard said his parents taught him and their parents taught them. Howard said that they knew how to go out and get the Morrill mushrooms. Howard said his dad is awesome. Robin asked if he's like that with his sister. Richard said he is. He said she lives closer and she gets to see them more often though. Richard said he wishes he lived closer. Howard said his dad didn't seem to enjoy having children. Richard said maybe he didn't know how to express it. Howard said maybe that's it.
Howard said Richard's parents are proud of him for being a phony phone call maker. He said his dad is proud that he licks Sal's balls and taint. Howard said that's how much his father loves him. Richard said he's made it somewhat. Richard said as long as he's not doing drugs he's fine.
Howard talked about the weird stuff Richard has asked to do on the show too. He wanted Howard to chloroform him on the show. Howard said he thinks he's a repressed homosexual and that's why he asks for all of this weird stuff. Howard said Richard thinks it's just a bit. Gary said he once pitched a bit to find out if Jon Hein could prison rape him. Richard said that was him and Sal who came up with that. Howard said he'd love to see the prison rape thing. Jon Hein said he's been asking him to do that for 10 years now. Howard laughed. Howard said he thinks Jon could prison rape Richard in 10 seconds. Richard said he's powerful too though. Howard said Jon would smother him and pull his pants down. Richard said he thinks that he'd have to rip off all of his clothes too.
Richard said Jon would tire out early. He said that's where his advantage is. Howard said Jon has to do this bit. Jon said right after they have dinner.
Howard said between Ronnie and JD he's going to pick Ronnie to go to dinner. He said JD is inarticulate. Howard said he can't go to dinner with him. He said he took JD to Nobu once and he was asking if they have a burger. JD said he was not like that. Howard said he had Benjy and Sal there too. He said he had to have them try food they weren't so sure about. He said it was the most expensive place in the world and they don't want to try it.
Howard said he and Ronnie are like yentas. He said they have fun. Howard said he's not going with JD. Howard said he loves JD but he's not going to dinner with him. JD said he thinks it would be painful for both of them to try talking.
Howard said now it's down to Jason or Gary. He said that it's going to be Gary again. He said Gary will just keep yapping away if he stops talking. Howard said he can eat while Gary talks.
Howard said then they have Ronnie, Richard or Brent. Howard said it's Brent out of those three. He said now it's Brent or Gary. Howard said it's like picking Eboloa or Zika. He said that at least he knows what he's getting with Gary. He said Brent is a wild card but that might be fun. Howard said Brent is a little wild. He said that he got wild with Bubba. Howard said Ronnie is upset he lost to Brent. Howard told him to take it easy. Howard said he wouldn't hire Brent as a driver. He said he thinks he's going with Gary. He said he's missing Brent right now so maybe it's Brent. He said he'll go with Brent. Howard said he could go with either. Then he picked Gary again. He said Gary is the winner. Howard said Gary just called it a hollow victory. Howard said they have a lot of history too. He said conversation is easy with Gary. Howard said Brent might tell him more. Howard said Gary can clam up if he's feeling like he's being disloyal to other people. He said Brent would tell him everything. Howard said maybe it's Brent. He said it's Gary for today but he's probably going to call Brent.
Howard said Benjy wants to confront him over this. Howard said he's not sure he wants to do that. Gary asked if he wants to stick his toe in that quicksand.
Benjy came in and said he enjoys working there. He said this is shtick. He said he's a very good person to go to dinner with. Howard said he has 20 seconds left. Benjy said he's leaving then. Howard said he wants to hear what he has to say. Benjy had left so Howard told him to get back in there. Benjy came back and said he know he's a good conversationalist. Howard said he's really not. Howard asked why he starts tugging on his balls when he leaves the studio. Benjy said he doesn't know. Benjy said he's not weird about sushi either. He said he worries about parasites in the sushi. Howard said he just proved he's a great conversationalist. Howard said he's worried about parasites. Howard said he's the heaviest he's ever been and he's worried about parasites. Howard said he's the size of a beach ball. He said maybe he'd lose some weight from that. Howard said he has to take a break now. He said he was supposed to do that a half hour ago. They went to break after that.
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Howard said he has so much doody. He said it's more times than not. Howard said when he goes he still has a gusher in there. Fred said he has that occasionally. Howard said cave men must have had filthy assholes. Fred said he's also living a lot longer than they did. Howard said he has a doody on occasion that he doesn't have to wipe. Howard asked what that is. Fred played her saying ''Clean the cock.''
Howard wondered if he could do a whole show of Robin drops. He said she's having a microphone problem. Howard said he got on the scale this morning and he had lost a pound. Howard said he was happy about that. He said he's in a good mood.
Howard said he thinks he's going to do his Chuck Berry obit. He said he can take a call first. He said that people are so upset about Steve from Florida. Howard said they got a lot of email about Steve. Howard said there are some who want more of Steve. He said some people think he's great because he's such an idiot. Howard read a couple of those emails. Howard said there were some who hate Steve. Howard had Steve on the line. Steve said he can't believe these fans.
Howard read some email about how Steve has been sniffing like Barney Fife. Steve said he hates doing that. Howard said Mr. Furley did that on Three's Company too. Howard said someone else pointed that out. Howard said people do say they don't want him on anymore. Howard said he likes all of the phony phone calls and songs about him. Steve said Howard knows about the social media stuff. He said that they listen though. He said you can't control social media. He said the fans on the street ask to take pictures with him.
Howard had a song parody about Steve called ''I hate Steve from Florida.'' Howard played some of that song for Steve.
Howard asked Steve what's going on. Steve said he's calling for a boycott of sending Jeff the Drunk stuff on his wish list. He said he really doesn't like the fans. Howard had Jeff on the phone so he got him on with Steve. Steve asked why he blocked him. Jeff said he's a douche bag. Steve said he doesn't shake down the fans like Jeff does. Jeff said Steve doesn't have any fans. Steve said he does have fans. He said he just answers questions. Steve said the fans have to stop sending him gifts.
Howard asked Jeff to respond. Jeff said he should hang up on Steve. Jeff said people send him stuff. He said he doesn't beg for shit. He said fuck you Steve. He said Steve is just a fan of himself. He said Steve is nothing. Howard asked if Jeff gets stuff and blocks the fans that send him stuff. Jeff said no to that. Steve said he has fans who want to send him stuff and he turns them away. Howard said JD says Steve only has 1,300 followers on Instagram. Steve said he thought it was over 20,000. That was hearts though. He has 1,300 followers and 20,000 hearts. Jeff has over 16 million hearts. Steve said that's what he thought it was. Steve said that he treats people with respect and Jeff doesn't.
Howard said Jeff has millions of hearts but his life hasn't changed at all. Steve said that's what he's in a quagmire over. He doesn't get that.
Shuli said that Jeff has blocked people who have sent him stuff. He said he knows that. Howard asked Jeff why he would do that. Jeff hung up. Steve said that's what he does. Shuli said Steve has some jealousy there. He said if Steve got stuff he would keep it. Steve said no way. He said he doesn't want it.
Howard took a call from Steve's toupee who said that Steve uses the show too. Howard asked if Toupee is related to The Lump. He said they are distant relations.
Howard had Jeff back on the phone. Jeff said fuck Bobo. Steve said he would never hang up on Howard. He said he doesn't have time for this. Jeff said fuck you. Howard said meanwhile Jeff is so angry that Steve begged him for the tickle chair and then sold it. Howard said Steve has profited from the show. Howard asked why he didn't just return it to the show if he was going to move. Steve said Howard was so happy to get rid of it. Howard said he gave it to him because he's a superfan.
Jeff was yelling at Bobo to shut the fuck up. Jeff was going off on him about how he's guilty of profiting from the show as he is. Steve said he's not asking people for money and taking trips and stuff. He said Jeff does it constantly. Howard told Jeff to take it easy on Steve because he lost someone on 9/12.
Howard said that JD has an urgent message. JD came in and said that Bobo does have a periscope account with 20,000 followers. He said he has two accounts though. Howard didn't want to hear the story behind that so he told JD he's done with that.
Howard asked Jeff what he had to say. Jeff said yesterday he told him to call in earlier in the show and he had called in earlier in the show. He said he didn't have to go off on him. Howard said point well made. He said touchee to that. Shuli did his Jeff impression for a few seconds. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard said when Bobo and Jeff were fighting... Howard said he has to put money in the jar now. Howard said he and Shuli have to do that. Robin said Jeff owes them about 50 bucks for that. Howard said Ham Hands Bill recorded some stuff for them. He said he had an idea for how Bobo could get his name back. Howard played a clip of Bill explaining how Steve can get his name back. He said he could put a hard candy jaw breaker in his ass and Steve has to suck on it. He said Benjy or Jason could put it there if Howard doesn't want to do it. Howard said there you go. Howard said he'd have to put a jaw breaker up his ass. Howard said they'll think about that and throw the idea in the garbage. He said he doesn't think Steve wants his name back that bad.
Howard said Tan Mom is pissed at Sal for not returning her calls. Howard played a clip of Tan Mom going off on Sal for calling her and not returning her calls when she calls him. Tan Mom said she'll do anything for people who want her to do things. She said she doesn't get that back in return.
Howard said he has a new phony phone call to play. He said they used his voice to call a political show. Howard played the call where they used clips of Steve saying ''Hashtag'' before a bunch of things. They had him on an internet radio show doing that. The host of the show had no idea what he was talking about. He kept saying ''Hashtag bald fuck'' and the host said he's not bald so he's not sure why he's doing that.
Howard took a call from Balls who asked if he has seen this article about anal sex that Gwyneth Paltrow put out. Howard said he missed that and he's not sure how. Balls asked if he thinks she's really into it. Howard said she doesn't need attention. He said she has a ton of dough and a career going. Howard said he knows Ronnie is her editor so there you go. Howard said if she's writing about loving anal sex maybe she just loves it. Howard said he applauds her for that. Howard asked what's wrong with that. He asked who would complain about that. Howard said he had Madonna in there and he's not sure why people criticize her for taking orphan black kids in her home and raising them. Howard said opening up about anal sex is great. He said he's all for it. He said anyone who opens people up about that is great. Howard asked who would complain about that.
Howard let Balls go and said that the fans are busy doing the Baba Booey thing all over the place. He had a bunch of clips. Howard said Marianne Garvey was walking by WABC doing a weather forecast outside and she got in a Baba Booey. Howard played the clip of her doing that on WABC.
Howard played another clip from Canada where a guy got in a Baba Booey during a newscast. Howard said that one was a hearty one.
Howard said in this clip a guy in Boston yelled it out during a broadcast. They cut the live feed off when the guy yelled it out. The guy was yelling it over and over. Howard asked what it is that's so fun about it. Howard said everyone loves Baba Booey. Robin said they've never been able to pin that down. Howard played a Baba Booey song parody. Howard said that was James Cargill with that devastating song.
Howard played another clip of someone getting out a Baba Booey during a live broadcast. The hosts said that guy thinks that's clever. They said they hope Howard is proud of himself for that. Howard said that's from the Grateful Dead channel. He said he thought those people were peaceful. He said that the Baba Booey guy was the best part of that show. He said no one wants to hear the Grateful Dead or a whole channel of that. Howard said they should shut that thing down. Robin said maybe it should shut itself down.
Howard played a clip of a sportscaster guy yelling out a Baba Booey while calling a play. Howard played another Baba Booey song parody after that. Howard said the songs are vicious today. He said that was Eli Braden with that one.
Howard said in this clip a horse race caller was upset about someone yelling out Baba Booey during their broadcast. The host of the show asked if that was a reference from 20 years ago. He said it's the worst ever. Howard said that's still going on dude. He said that guy is so jealous. Howard said it's still going on. He said some degenerate just lost their kid's college money on a horse race and that guy is upset about a Baba Booey.
Howard said in this next clip a guy was going for a 300 bowling game and a guy yelled out Baba Booey during his last throw. The guy got his 300 game. Howard said if he had done a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' he would have gotten a gutter ball.
Howard played a Baba Booey from The Mindy Project. Howard said they had one on Brooklyn 99 too. Howard played a clip from that show too. Howard played another Baba Booey song parody and said that's the roundup. He said everyone loves it. He did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said Craig Ferguson is there. He said Craig is now hosting a show on channel 94 Comedy Greats. Howard said it's hard to cut through with so many shows there. Craig said it's nice to see him. Howard said he's doing facial hair like him. Craig said he's getting an old lady neck so he's growing hair over it. He said he looks like an old bearded lady now. Howard said he does too. He said he can't stand that skin. Craig said they haven't come up with any kind of surgery for that skin. He said that he would prefer to get a tattoo on his neck instead. Craig said at a certain point he's got to realize that he's not going to work in a bank and he doesn't care about having a tattoo on his neck.
Howard said Craig never had a career plan. He said that's what he likes about him. He said he never thought about doing a late night show or having a game show. Craig said he didn't because he just wanted to kind of survive. He said he wanted to make some money and have some fun. Howard said he grew up in a shithole. Craig said he grew up in a town outside of Glasgow in Scotland. He said that it was nasty and violent and dangerous. Howard said they called him ''Tubby.'' Howard asked how fat he was. Craig said he couldn't keep up with the other kids but he looked cute trying. He said now they just write nasty things about you on the internet. He said back then they'd poke him with sticks. Howard said he just got beaten. Craig said it was like that. Howard said the teachers would beat him with belts. Craig said they went to school in this town where they made instruments to hurt children. Howard said he was beaten at the age of 5 for the first time. Howard said that seems so absurd now.
Craig said that he would go to the school and hit the teachers if they hit his child now. Howard asked what a 5 year old could do that deserves a beating. Craig said he was fat so he deserved it. He said he looked comical when he was being whipped by these evil sadists. Howard said he got beaten up for being a homosexual but he wasn't a homosexual. Craig said define homosexual. Howard said he got beaten up for nothing. Craig said he got beaten up for being a Protestant too.
Craig had a younger sister too. Howard said she was a writer on his show. Howard said that had to be awkward. Howard said she must have had to go out of her way to show she was funny. Craig said she's really funny actually. He said that when you're trying to do a late night show and you need someone to get inside your head she's the one. He said he got her a job when she wanted to come to America. Craig said she did it for a couple of years and then he told her she has to get out of there.
Howard said Craig did construction work and stuff and he was there illegally. Craig said he worked for a bakery there in the city. He said it was very well known. He said they had a lot of Italian guys there wearing pinkie rings. He said he worked on a construction site too. Howard asked if he was afraid of getting caught. Craig said he was a little worried about getting caught with cocaine. He said he was only 21 so he didn't worry about much.
Howard said he had a bad life. Craig said it was more pathetic than anything. He said that he was a sad guy in the bar peeing his pants. Howard said he was a bed wetter as a kid. Craig told him to stop trying to make him sound good for women. Howard said he was even giving answers wrong on tests so kids wouldn't get mad at him for being smart. Howard said that's sad. Craig said no one knew about the bed wetting other than his mom. Howard asked if she hunt out the sheets for the whole neighborhood to see. Craig said there was a little bit of that. He said that he stopped that at 13. He said that his therapist said that was a sign of trauma and fear. Howard said you can't control it because you're traumatized. Howard asked if it was a cry for help. Craig said it was very embarrassing. He said when he got sober and he was 29 he was super embarrassed about it. He said that he talked about it on TV and it was weird to do that.
Howard asked if it's liberating to let it out. Craig said it is. He said he thinks it's a product of age. He said he was ashamed of some stuff and now he's nostalgic for it. Howard said we honor some people who made it through that and got successful. Craig said it's a chicken and egg thing. He said he's not sure where the addiction comes from.
Howard said at 13 he stopped wetting his bed. Howard said when he became a drunk he started again. Craig said that's a different kind of wetting the bed. He said he's not sure it was always him. He said it may not have been him every time.
Howard said Craig is more conservative than he lets on. He said he thinks that he was more conservative than he lets on. Craig said that's the assumption.
Howard asked if he quit school at 16. Craig said he did. He said the only way to get out of there is to leave. He said he just left and didn't tell his parents. Howard said that takes balls. Craig said he was a difficult kid. He said he paints a picture of himself as a fat kid and he as but he was also a little aggressive. Howard said he punched out a cop once. Craig said that he did but that was more amusing to the cop than anything. He said his mother used to talk about how she never had any trouble with her kids. He said he was arrested like 3 times before he was 16 and he dropped out of school. He said she thought he was good around the house though.
Craig said he was very lucky he didn't get into worse trouble than he did. Howard said then the punk scene happens and he gets into that. Howard said he played drums in a punk band. Howard asked if it's that simple without lessons. Craig said he had a little bit of ability. He said his older brother had a drum kit that he had played with. He said when punk started everyone was in a band. Howard asked if he had the whole look. Craig said he did. He said he had to wear his school uniform but he'd put on a trash bag and change and hide his clothes under a bridge. Howard said he doesn't seem like the punk kind of guy. Craig said most people know him from the late night show and he was wearing a suit there. Howard said when he got the late night show he wondered who the fuck this guy was. Craig said he was on the Drew Carey show. He said that he was like the 8th lead. He said he played Drew's boss on the show. Howard said no one thought of him as a let night host.
Craig said when Craig Kilborn left they did a bunch of try out shows. He said he did one and he had been on Conan and they liked him as a guest. He said Peter Lassally liked him as a guest. Howard said he was Carson's guy and he went with Letterman to CBS. Craig said they created an environment in late night that will never happen again. He said CBS gave Letterman 2 hours of real estate. He said they gave him 11:30 to 1:30. He said Dave only cared about this own show. Howard said Dave always wanted a deal like Carson had. Craig said Peter schooled him in the late night thing. He said he taught him how to wear his tie and not do his creepy laugh. He said he was so classy and he was like Yoda to him.
Howard said Craig got hired because Peter was a fan of his and Dave had that extra hour to do. Howard said he got to be the host. Howard asked if the critics shit on him. Craig said they were terrible. He said that Adam Buckman was a fucking asshole. He said he destroyed him. He said Adam said he looked like he was wearing a wig. He said he has beautiful hair and that's the only thing he has.
Howard said now we have Twitter. He said back then that's all they had. He said Craig just wanted to entertain people. Howard said Adam hasn't been a critic for years. Craig said that you can block people before you remember their names on the internet. He said back then you start to get famous and you think you're important. He said then you realize it's just a fucking game and it doesn't matter. He said when it's precious and new you think your shit doesn't stink and then it goes away.
Howard said he thinks about Craig and how he went from shithole town to punk rock band to drinking and drugs. He asked how much he was drinking. Craig said he didn't keep track.
Howard said Craig shot a pilot with Zach Braff and he forgot about shooting it because he was so drunk. Craig said that he didn't believe him until he saw footage of it. Craig said he'd wake up and he'd feel nervous and he'd have some beer. He said that if you're going to be an alcoholic you might as well start when you wake up. Craig said he has had some perfume. He said he remembers sitting in a park with a hobo and he asked if he wanted to try after shave. Craig said that had to be 35 years ago. He said he's been sober 25 and he can still taste the after shave. He said it's so revolting and it's unbelievably bad. He said don't drink that stuff.
Howard asked what he drank other than beer. Craig said he drank Whisky. He said that's a drink and beer is like the water. Howard said in all of the drinking years how was it with the women. Craig said it was sporadic. He said he was telling lies all the time. He said he lived with this woman and she's since moved on. He said this was a woman after his first wife. He said he was married at 21 and divorced at 23. He said he told this other woman that he was in jail. He said he'd say he was in prison and he'd lie about it. He said he's not sure why he did that. Craig said he was trying to make himself interesting or something. He said maybe he was trying to talk himself out of the relationship. He said he was trying to sound more like a bad boy. Howard asked if he can fight. Craig said no. He said he got his ass kicked. He said he boxes to work out but he doesn't let the guy punch him. He said fighting is for people who know what they're doing.
Howard said Craig did the punk band thing and then he got into comedy. Craig said that was Peter Capaldi. He said he plays Dr. Who now. He said that guy loved American stand up comedians. He said that he didn't know about Richard Pryor but Peter did. He said he knew about Billy Connelly though. Howard said Craig didn't fantasize about that stuff. Craig said no but it had never existed to him before. Howard said Craig didn't do joke after joke on his late night show. Craig said he did in the beginning. He said he was never going to survive doing that. Howard said he just got up and talked about his day. Craig said he talked to Howard right when he started. He said that Howard was still at CBS. He said he was scared of being on the show. He said he thought he was going to make a fool out of him. He said he had to get information from Howard, Dave and Regis. He said that Regis and Kathie Lee would do material for 15 minutes every day. He said he had to find out how they did it. He said somewhere in there was the key to doing it right.
Howard said that Craig kind of approached it like an actor. He watched Regis, Letterman and him and he wondered what he would do. He said he acted his way through it. Craig said he did in the beginning. He said it never would have worked if the situation wasn't protected by Dave's deal.
Howard said one thing he did was rip up the blue card in front of the faces of the guests. Howard said Alec Baldwin was on the show once and the producers had written on the card ''how are you feeling'' and he showed it to Alec on the show. Howard said he thought that was a great moment. He said that Craig said if he has to be told to ask that then he's a failure. Craig said there were a lot of beautiful women who came through on the show. He said that the guys who write the questions don't talk to a lot of women like that. He said he'd rather survive on his own instincts. Craig said the thing is that you quickly realize that it's all just a game. He said they make you think they're going to be waiting for you after the show. He said you show up in the green room and all that's left are crumbs.
Craig said the weird thing is that you realize it's a game but then some of the people do become friends. Howard asked if it ever happened to him that any actress wanted to go out on a date. Craig said at the very beginning there was but it worked out bad. He said he went through the publicist. He said he met his wife when he was like 4-5 months into the show. He said that was it and he was going home right after the show. He said he thinks that saved him. He said he may have made a fool of himself if she hadn't saved him. Craig said sometimes people in show business use you. He said he thinks it would have been bad. Howard said it's a mutual use.
Howard asked Craig about the woman he asked out. Craig said they went out for dinner. Howard asked if he wanted to stay in instead of going out so they're not a gossip item. Craig said he wanted to be a gossip item. He said it was the start of the show and he was getting that fame. He said he was excited about it. He said this was Sharon Stone he went out with. He said they just had dinner. Craig said she was very nice. He said all he could think about was the scene from Basic Instinct. Howard said he didn't close the deal though. Craig said there was no chemistry there. He said she was very nice. He said they shook hands and he drove her home. Craig said it was kind of weird. Howard said she could have been Sharon Ferguson.
Howard said to bring people up to speed in his career he went from the punk band to comedy and then he creates characters. He said he did a character called Bing Hitler. Craig said it was a thing where this guy was super Scottish. He said that the guy was a fascist about it. He said that he gave it a name that got some attention. He said he went to a comedy festival in Montreal and people were like ''What the fuck is this?'' Craig said it was a bit like that character Mike Myers did on Saturday Night Live. He said he got laughs with it and it worked out pretty good.
Howard asked Craig why he didn't go after the comedy thing. Howard said then he gets the Drew Carey show and he did that for 8 years. Craig said he did well with that and then lost it in the divorce. He said it was interesting because he never really had a plan. He said he just wondered what he could do to keep going. He wanted to stay afloat.
Howard said Craig took over for Craig Kilborn. He said that guy walked away from that show. Craig said he doesn't understand why he did that. Howard said he was a gust on his show. Craig said he wasn't crazy about him. Howard said he met with David Letterman. Craig said they talked on the phone a few times. He said he was nice to him at the beginning. He said that Dave would send a box of meat at Christmas and that was about it. He said he thinks that Dave is painfully awkward. He said he talked to him on the air and they were cordial but never friends. He said he was his boss though. Howard said you think that he'd mentor him but that didn't happen. Craig said that Howard knows Dave and that's not the guy he is. Craig said he would have listened to him if he had mentored him.
Howard asked if they ever got feedback from Letterman about how he was doing. Craig said that Rob Burnett was really nice to him after the first day. He said he really wanted Michael Ian Black to get the job.
Howard asked if he's tempted to go with the Letterman beard. Craig said that he can't do it. He said he gets one long one and he can't get the whole beard.
Howard said Craig had a nice long run. Howard said he heard that he didn't want Dave's job. Craig said he didn't. He said he was wondering if they were going to ask. He said he would have liked to have been asked. He said that he had done the show for a long time. He said he was getting expensive and he was costing them a lot of money. He said that it was easy in the beginning. Craig said his pay grade went up so by the end of the run he was making a lot of money. Howard asked if it was 10 million. Craig said it was up there in that range. Howard asked if it's true that he got a bonus for not being asked to take Dave's gig. Craig said it was something like that but he can't talk about it. Howard said it could be even higher. Craig said there was a financial incentive. He said it was totally fair. He said it was a handshake deal with Moonves and he showed up and threw in a little extra in the end. He said he tipped him. Craig said Moonves is a straight shooter. He said that they say he will stab you in the face but not in the back.
Craig said that he was protected by Dave and he knew that his protection was gone. He said he was looking at the situation and his safety net was gone and he was bored with the show. Howard asked if he was really bored. Craig said he was. He said that if he does anything for that amount of time he just can't do it. Howard said he's a free wheeling king of guy. Craig said he thinks he's just a bit of an asshole actually. Howard said he was wondering if things were over. Craig said he was. He said that's why he did the game show. He said it was a syndicated game show and he didn't want to do that until he heard what they were going to pay him. Then he loved the idea.
Craig said he got to the point where he didn't recognize himself unless he was on TV. He said he got out of there and he thought he should do TV. Then his game show got canceled after 3 seasons. He said he was okay with that. Howard asked what he told CBS about leaving. Craig said he left. He said it was time for him to go and they were like ''Okay.'' He said he was costing them a fortune and so was Dave. He said they weren't making any money. He said now they can put two new guys in and start them low.
Howard asked if he's watching any of those guys. Craig said he doesn't really watch anything. He said he'll see a funny clip or a bit but not the whole show. He said if he watches any he'll watch Jimmy Kimmel. He said he has a Letterman vibe. He said he thought Jimmy was great at the Oscars. He said he's comfortable and he's just the guy he would watch.
Howard said he thinks that Jimmy comes closest to Craig's interview style. Craig said you can't be like that with everyone though.
Howard said Craig wrote some screenplay for Mick Jagger. Craig said he was on tour with them for a month. Howard said he would love to interview that guy. Craig said he wanted a movie about a rock star and a roadie who swapped places. He said it was basically the Prince and the Pauper but with Mick's ideas. Howard said that's a ridiculous premise. Craig said he wasn't going to tell him to fuck off with that. He said that Paramount hired him to do that. He said Shari Lansing gave him a 3 picture deal to write movies. Craig said he had written the movie ''Saving Grace'' and it won Sundance. Robin said it was a good movie. Craig said he'd have to deal with assholes if he kept doing that.
Howard said Mick is teamed up with Craig and he gets to go out with the band on tour. Craig said he met him in Istanbul. Craig said he met him for the first time and he's a tiny guy. He said he just said ''Oh, you're adorable'' when he saw him. He said Mick is intelligent and he can talk to you. Howard said the guy has written so many great songs.
Craig said that there was a story about Mick putting a candy bar in Marianne Faithfull's vagina in the 60s. He said he didn't ask about that but he didn't stop thinking about it. Howard said he thinks that a lot of those stories were made up. Howard said he put a candy bar in Fred's ass but that was a wild night.
Howard asked why he never saw this movie. Craig said he wrote it and he got fired. He said Mick was nice about it. He said he got his assistant to do it so there was no awkward moment there. He said if you get fired by Mick that's a story.
Howard asked how this radio show came about. Craig said he didn't want to do another talk show again. He said his wife told him he can't sit around doing nothing. He said he was writing a book and he was doing stand up. He said he likes his kids and wife so he doesn't want to go on tour. Howard said Seinfeld likes it. Craig said he likes it but not the travel part. Craig said his agent told him that Sirius was offering him a show and he didn't want to go to New York. He said he goes to his shed and does it and he's fine with that. He said he does 2 hours every weekday. Craig said he kind of likes it because you really don't have anyone to answer to. He said he's not told to have guests on. Howard said it's fun. Craig said he's still a little institutionalized. He said he booked his dentist and he's a funny guy. He said he's an interesting guy who was Frank Sinatra's dentist toward the end. He said that's obvious.
Howard said he had Joe Walsh on. Howard asked how he knows him. Craig said he was on the Drew Carey show. He said it's Joe Fucking Walsh too. Howard said he's underrated. Howard said he loves the guy's guitar playing and his singing voice too. He said the Eagles act like they're doing him a favor.
Howard said he knew Joe during the alcohol years. He asked if they talk about drinking. Craig said that he was as bad as Joe. He said he thinks that Joe is kind of more glamorous. He said that he was just a guy hanging around dumpsters. He said he feels a kinship with Joe and he's just a good person. He said it's good to talk to him because he makes him feel better.
Howard asked if he did AA. Craig said that they have this thing about not talking about being in it if you are in it. Craig said he respects that. Howard asked if he misses the drinking. Craig said he hasn't slipped up in 25 years.
Craig said that he's not sure how Howard keeps the weight off. Howard said it's tough. He said the weight goes back on when he stops running. Craig said he did Seth Meyers show last night. He said he was in the hotel at midnight and he has them take out all of the candy and stuff or he'll eat it. He said he had a look in the gift bag from Seth Meyers and there were cookies in it. He said he's there eating cookies and watching the Dave Chappelle Netflix special. Howard said their gift bag has really good chocolate in it. Howard said Dave used to do the show all the time and now he won't come in. Robin said he kept all of his old friends except them. Craig said he should get in touch with Dave and maybe he'll talk it out. Howard said he even got together with him socially a couple of times. Howard said he has to watch that special. Robin said it's great. Craig said it might be the best he's ever seen.
Howard said he heard it was very homophobic. Craig said he doesn't think so at all. He said it's just a fucking joke so lighten up. He said everyone is angry at someone for something. Howard said he's amazed about how relaxed Dave is. Craig said that the way it pulls that whole thing together at the end is amazing. He said you think he's just riffing but then you realize he wrote the whole thing.
Howard said Craig should do a special too. Craig said he should since he's been using the same act since he gave up the late night thing.
Howard asked if he got involved in the whole Conan thing. Craig said that he didn't get involved. He said that Jay was his last guest on his late night show. He said he was always nice to him. Craig said the late night wars thing was weird to him. He said that it felt like his parents were fighting with him. Howard asked how you're not competitive with the guy who is up against you. Craig said it's hard. He said he'd look at the numbers. He said when Conan he was beating him he was like ''oh god'' but then he'd beat Conan and he'd be like ''Fuck you...''
Howard said James Corden is doing well. Craig said he's a nice guy too. He said that he didn't wait to be so successful after he left. He said it's hard not to like him. He said he's a nice guy.
Howard asked if he had to ask Letterman if he could have Jay on his last show. Craig said he didn't but maybe Peter did. Craig said that Jay and Dave had a very odd relationship. Howard asked if Craig has made out with a dude. Craig said he did in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Howard said that David Letterman was great as a stand up. He said that Jay was one that Dave looked up to probably and then Jay goes on Dave's show and then they get caught up in sibling rivalry. Craig said that they're tied up in history together forever. He said that he feels bad for Bill Carter because none of these guys fight. Howard said he knows they do hate each other but they pretend not to hate each other.
Craig said when he was leaving the late night thing he remembers his agent saying that CBS was going to regret him leaving. He said it's really like the Radison hotels losing a piano player. Craig said what Howard has done there to create his own world is the goal of all of this. He said you create your own reality and existence. He said he protects himself. Howard said he's so right. Howard said he and a friend were talking about how blessed you can be in life. Howard said he knows his situation is so ideal. He said he was going to take over Joan Rivers late night show and he didn't want to do it. He said he was smart not to do that. Howard said he's very blessed that way. Craig said he's blessed and he's also smart for making that decision. He said you have that ego and you have to not let it get ahead of you. He said it can make you unhappy. He said doing the late night show you meet so many successful people. He said that the douche bag ration seems to be the same as regular people. He said the people who are on the way up are dicks and if they can shrug that off then they can be like Bill Murray. He said he's done what Howard has. He said not many people are tenured like Bill and Howard.
Howard asked Craig how he handled interviews that didn't go well. Craig said he'd try to find some humanity in the person. He said if you can make them laugh then they lighten up. He said most people knew what they were getting into.
Howard said when he had Larry King on the show he thought he was goofing on him but he liked to hear his stories. Craig said before he met Larry he wasn't a fan. He said now he's a fan. He said that even when he didn't like him he always had his CNN show on. Howard said no one goofed on Larry more than he did but he was a fascinating guest. Craig said he's also hilarious. He said he's made a lot of mistakes with guests. He said he has crashed over people and he made it about himself. He said if the gust was a jerk he'd talk too much. He said it was just a lack of confidence.
Howard asked Craig if he misses the late night show. Craig said he did when Trump started to run in the campaign. He said he knew it was a rich black oil. Howard said they say that Colbert has come on strong because he's so staunch in his opposition to Trump. He said people are tuning in. Craig said he thinks that the whole country is like that so they're tuning in. Craig said once the election got going he realized that he didn't want to be part of it. Craig said he just wants to hang out with the kids and wife and not fight anymore. Craig said he loves to watch Netflix. He said he likes Humans. Howard asked if he watches Walking Dead. Craig said he's not into gore. He said he was into Game of Thrones. He said that he thought it was just one of those things that his wife likes from the BBC. Craig said then he liked Homeland. He said after the Ginger guy got killed off he stopped. Howard said he's still there.
Howard said Craig didn't make fun of Britney Spears after she went to rehab because he felt sympathy toward her. Craig said that she was mentally ill back then. Craig said that you make fun of people when they behave badly. He said that there are times when you don't go after them. He said the problem is that suddenly people think that you're the champion of the cat ladies or something. He said he's still a dick but not that much of a dick.
Howard asked if he went to therapy to get over all of that stuff. Craig said he did it for a while but he's been out for a few months. Craig said he blows hot and cold with it. Howard asked if it's psychotherapy. Craig said it is. He said it's a nice Jewish lady from Chicago. Howard said the best line on The Sopranos was the mother saying that therapy is a racket for the Jews. Howard asked if going to a woman helps. Craig said he thinks so. He said she creates an atmosphere for forgiving you for being a dick.
Howard asked if he ever got into why he drank so much. Craig said that it might be a predisposition. He said that his dad may have drank but it's not the same now. He said his dad grew up in a different time. Howard said it never occurred to him to drink. He said he was smoking pot and doing acid. Howard asked if Craig ever tried heroin. Craig said he did snort it a few times. He said that it never really did it for him. He said he liked cocaine and whisky.
Howard said Craig is on from 6-8pm on Comedy Greats 94 on SiriusXM. Howard thanked him for coming in. Craig said this was like therapy for him. Robin said he doesn't have to go for a few months now. Craig said he might have to go actually. He said his therapist might be listening and think he has to go. Howard asked if he was going 4 days a week. Craig said he had to do that for a while. Howard said he's a big proponent of therapy. He said he's all for bettering yourself. Howard asked how he's doing as a father. Craig said that he thinks he's doing okay. He said he has a 15 year old and a 6 year old. He said the Scottish only ejaculate once every 10 years like one of those orchids.
Howard asked how his wife is going to see him tomorrow. Craig said that he's going to be hosting the Today show. He said Beth is going to be on so he's going to say hi. Howard said Beth is his best friend. Craig asked if people get angry at him for being happy. Howard said they do. He said that he gets angry with himself for being happy.
Howard said that Craig has said it all. He said that he has his own show there at SiriusXM. Howard said he could do a show with just dentists if he wanted to. Craig said maybe he'll try to sell that to a cable outlet. Howard told Craig to do prank calls. He said people love that. Howard gave him another plug for the show and wrapped up. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and asked if Fred is playing ''Nooki'' because he must be looking at his play list. Howard said he just added that one to the list. Howard said that's the song they have to write. He said he really did it all for the nookie.
Howard said he was in the bathroom and he ended up pissing all over the floor. He had to wipe it all up. Howard said that he has a theory about how he can avoid washing his hands if he doesn't touch his penis. He said he has germ phobia and he has to wash but he tries not to do it too much. Howard said he holds his penis with his underpants. Howard said his penis is lined up but then there must be something sticky own there. Then he shoots it sideways. He said it doesn't land in the bowl. He said he thought he hit his pants but it ended up on the floor. Howard said he should write a song about that. He said he'd write it literally but the Beatles would never do that. He said it's too hard. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said he was trying to avoid washing his hands and he ended up wiping pee off the floor. He said he was using his foot to do the towel thing but then he had to pick it up. He said he should have made Gary clean it up.
Gary said that the guys there get yelled at by their wives. Gary said he gets some on the rim of the toilet and he'll tell his wife he didn't do it but she knows he did. He said Jason gets it on the floor and he told his wife to buy a mat for it. Howard said it's gross when Gary talks about that stuff. He said when he does it it's not so bad but Gary is gross.
Howard took a call from a guy who said women don't understand that piss doesn't stop flowing from your penis like a Moen faucet. He said that's why all guys have this issue.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he has that piss that goes off to the side too. He said it's like letting the air out of a balloon. Robin said women aren't saying there isn't a problem, they're just saying clean it up. Howard said he has a urinal in his bathroom at home so there are no accidents. Robin said they're saying that the new thing is that you have separate bedrooms in luxury homes. Howard said if that happens then the marriage is over. Howard said if Beth was in a different bedroom that would be it.
Howard said he used to sit down to pee. He said he didn't want to deal with things spraying this way and that way.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she doesn't have a penis but she might be able to help. Howard said he doesn't need help. The caller said maybe hole gets stuck in areas. Howard said it might be but if he was holding his penis with his hand it wouldn't happen. He said he can't explain what it's like to have a penis. The caller told him to keep holding it with his underwear but just open the hole. Howard thanked her for the call.
Howard took another call from a woman who brought up The Walking Dead and how you're supposed to be bitten to become a zombie. Robin said that they have changed the script. Howard said people who die turn. Robin said that the caller is saying it's supposed to be the transfer of blood. Howard said he's not sure why animals don't turn. Robin said they eat the whole thing. Robin said she's seen some shows where they become zombies too.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard's pubes are longer than his penis. Howard said they are but that's not the problem. The caller said he thinks a hair is getting in the way and that's why the piss goes all over. Howard said he's talking to a man who understands. He said maybe he'll trim his forest down. He said his penis looks like it's caught in a spider web. He said there's a lot of shrubbery in the way. He said he has to talk to men about this stuff, not women. Howard said the only woman he'll discuss this with is Caitlyn Jenner. He said she understands.
Howard asked Robin if they should not post those pictures. Robin said it's not really news. Howard said the Daily News has ''Russell Grow'' and the Post has ''Eating Crowe.'' Howard said the Russell Grow is better. Howard said no one gives him credit for staying thin. Robin said everyone does.
Robin said there was a special ed teacher who was caught having sexual contact with a student. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Mad Dog Russo impression talking about that. Sour's phone was cutting out but Howard stuck with it. Sour was going to do a Wendy the Slow Adult impression but Howard hung up on him.
Howard took a call from a special ed teacher who said he has sex with his students too. Howard hung up on that guy after a few seconds.
Robin read a story about a boxer who died trying to lose weight to get down to his weight class. He had to lose 6.6 pounds and he was found dressed in multiple layers of clothes. He died of heat stroke.
Robin read a story about Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson possibly doing a show together. Howard said it must be a show about the earth being flat. Robin said she thought it was fake news. Howard said he would watch that show. Howard said they could be the hosts of the new season of America's Got Talent. Howard said it's those two and Charles Manson.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who asked if he eats lobster. Howard said no. He said he doesn't like seeing things killed the way they do. Tommy said he's a pussy. Howard asked if Tommy eats dog. Tommy said sure, it's good. Howard said go to HowardStern.com and check out the link to the petition he talked about at the start of the show. Howard let Tommy go a short time later. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Elon Musk working on a computer that would interface with the human brain. Howard said he told her about that. Robin said that if they could just download stuff into the brain they could teach people how to do stuff that you see in the movies like flying. Robin said they could teach him to be an expert. Howard asked if she can imagine the size of the chip they'd need for Wendy the Slow Adult. Howard said he loves this technology. Howard had some clips to play of some people who are making sex robots. He said he can't do it today though.
Robin read a story about Apple bringing out a new operating system. Robin said it's 10.3. Robin said this is for Airpod owners who can now track their wireless headphones. Howard said he does like that. Robin said you can find one or both. Robin said it shows where it was last connected via Bluetooth. Robin said there are some other features that Apple has in there. She went over a few. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked Howard for the top 5 songs. Howard said no one ever requests that other than Robin. Howard said he can do that. He had number 5 which was The Chainsmokers and Coldplay. He said number 4 is Bruno Mars. Number 3 was Taylor Swift and Zayn. Number 2 was Migos featuring Lil Uzi Vert and Ed Sheeran was at number 1. Howard played a clip of Jeff the Vomit Guy singing the Ed Sheeran song.
Howard had an alert that he played at 11:00 saying that they are not being paid overtime even though they're working overtime. Howard said they have an update on Jeff the Vomit Guy coming soon. He played a promo for that. Robin sounded grossed out. Howard played a song parody that Jeff performed too. Howard said the update is that he's still gross. Robin said he still hasn't found a woman either.
Robin said that the top 5 songs on Billboard are one thing but there's also a streaming record. Robin said they have counts from the streaming services but she's not sure if they make money from that. Robin said she doesn't understand the music industry anymore. Robin said Drake has beat his own record for the most streaming from his new album. Robin said they find that people would rather stream Drake's album and not own it but people who listen to Ed Sheeran like to own the music. Robin had Howard play some of Drake's new album. Fred was playing a door slamming sound effect for the drum sounds in the song. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Fred kept playing the door slamming sound.
Robin had Howard play some audio of President Trump talking about how he's not going to play golf if he becomes president. Robin said he has actually played 13 times since January. Robin said he has been playing in Florida at places that have his name on them. Robin said they say it's costing taxpayers millions of dollars. Robin said they have the expense of taking care of Melanie and Baron who are in New York and now Trump traveling to Mar-A-Lago. Howard said in his defense he had his fingers crossed when he said he wasn't going to play. Robin said each of those trips costs $3 million and the Melania coverage needs an additional $27 million. Robin said they're also paying for his kids to be covered on their vacation trips.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes again who was doing his Mad Dog Russo impression. Howard asked what's up with the golf. Sour was yelling so the phone kept cutting out. Howard said he thought that would work but he keeps cutting out.
Robin read a story about a guy who bought Donald Trump's boyhood home in 2016 and the house was put up for sale and auctioned for over $2 million so the guy made a profit of about 50 percent.
Robin read a story about the President going to an event and praising women in business. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that.
Robin read a story about a thwarted bomb attack on a plane. She didn't have details on where the bomb was supposed to go off.
Robin read a story about a case going to the Supreme Court for someone who was deported after his lawyer told him he wouldn't be deported if he plead guilty. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about how he's not in good spirits this morning. He was up at 2 in the morning. He was ready to go to work and that's the worst when he has to be there at 7. He said he tried to go back to sleep but just watched TV. He watched Supergirl and ''Between a Rock and a Hard Place'' with The Rock. Howard said they give these kids a second chance in boot camp and yell at them. He said The Rock says he was a bad ass as a kid and he was sent to jail a few times. He went to boot camp and he got straightened out. Howard said they need to let you get to know the kids a little bit more than they do.
Howard said he also watched Supergirl and he's angry at himself for that. Howard said it's not that good. He said Supergirl is hot. He said she's hot in a way that you think she's not that hot but she is hot. Robin didn't think she was that hot. Howard said her name is Melissa Benoist and she just left her boyfriend for the guy who plays her boyfriend on the show. Howard said he saw pictures of her frolicking in the ocean with this guy. Howard said he wondered why the guy had to get dumped for this guy. Jason said that both of them got out of relationships to date. Howard said they're on a TV show and it's all exciting. Howard said this guy won't be able to keep it up after that show ends. Jason said the guy was dating a girl he met on the set of the last TV show he was on. He said that Melissa's husband was also her co-star on Glee. Howard said that's just not right.
Robin said everyone doesn't need to be in the perfect relationship of their lives. Howard said he thinks you should stay with that person. Robin said they should tell a lot of other stars that. Robin said on Felicity the star of that show had an affair with a co-star and now she's had a baby with the guy she co-stars with on The Americans.
Howard said you fall in love on the set of a movie. He said that's what happened when he did Private Parts. Howard said it's so great to be on the set of a movie. Robin said Howard had a nanny there. Howard said she had a diaper bag with everything he needed. Howard said he'd say he felt drained and she'd take out something to wipe him down with. He said she had a cool cloth in there. Robin said it was like a halter. Howard said it was so awesome. Robin said she was a sweet girl. Howard said she was great. He said he should have Gary carry a diaper bag for him. He told Gary to go out and get one and load it up with things he might need. Robin said she remembers one day Howard was hot and she whipped out a fan out of that bag.
Howard said there were hot girls around on the set too. He said the makeup girls were hot. He said you can have anything you want on the set of a movie. He said you believe you can have anything you want. Robin said they built him an apartment on the set. Howard said he was living there and shortly after that he was divorced. Howard said the guy who sat outside his door there on the set ended up writing a big movie. He said that was Eli Roth. He said it was crazy.
Howard said you get sucked into this life where you think your shit doesn't stink. He said what he wants is to be treated like a baby. He said he should have done that and hired someone to walk around with a diaper bag.
Howard said he has been offered other movies. He said he knows it won't be like it was when he was doing his own movie. He said if he does another one it won't be that great. Robin said he might have to find his own dressing room. Howard said at America's Got Talent he got a lot of treatment. He said he had a lot of that. He said if you're there and they're pushing you around in a baby stroller with a diaper bag the world isn't going to be like that.
Howard said if he told the real story of his life that shows how warped things are from being famous people wouldn't believe it. He said they're some fucked up stories. He said it really is crazy. He said he'll never tell those stories. He said he has 3 daughters that keep him level headed and sane. He said the most normal thing on the set was Jenna Jameson walking around naked at the Craft Services table. Howard said he let her cut in front of him. He said when she looks that good it's just crazy. He said that was the most normal thing.
Gary said he was there one day when she was wearing a kimono and she left it open asking people how she looked.
Howard said you get that treatment and you start to feel that the bad feelings inside are wrong and maybe you are special. He said it makes you cuckoo. Howard said it is something great.
Howard said he got some good treatment on the set of America's Got Talent. He said he has seen some people take advantage of that and they have no right to do it. Howard said there were some people there like that. He said they were pulling bullshit. He said they weren't that famous anymore and they should get a grip. Robin said that you shouldn't be grinding people under your heel.
Howard said no one there at the radio show kisses his ass. He said there's no worry about that. He said he has to work with Benjy.
Howard said that they were talking about Russell Crow yesterday and how he had gained weight. One of the fans went to him trying to start shit saying that he was goofing on the guy. Howard said Russell wrote something back in the tweet and said that he can bench press young Howard and Howard can't say the same. He said he found that funny.
Howard said he thinks that chick is super hot. Robin said maybe that's like a retro bikini. Howard said his wife wears a bikini and there's practically nothing on. He said that's a bikini. He said that's what the guy who designed the bikini had in mind. Robin said that's not what he had in mind. Howard said Supergirl doesn't need a momkini.
Jason came in and said this thing is driving him crazy too. He said she doesn't belong with this guy. Jason said that she can do better. Jason said their chemistry on screen is really good and you can tell they were dating before they announced it. Howard said he likes that the sister of Supergirl is a lesbian. Howard said they should be fingering each other on the show. He said he wonders what they're doing in bed. Jason said they were in her apartment in the latest episode and he was just wondering what's going on in that bed. Robin said it's a TV show so nothing is going on.
Howard said he watched Ellen's show and she wonders what she's up to with Portia. Howard said it's getting creepy talking about this with Jason. Robin said it sounds like the two of them aren't getting any. Howard said he and Beth did it a lot over vacation. Howard said she was very much into him over vacation. He said he was very attentive. He said it paid off in spades. Howard said she barely cried during sex. Robin said that's so sweet. Howard said it wasn't the bucket of tears he's used to. He said that actually only happened once to him back in high school. He said this chick was so hot. He said she was movie star hot. Howard said it was like he was in a dream. He said he's tried to see what she looks like now but he can't find her on Facebook. Howard said he only banged her once. Howard said they got high in his garage and he made her a Whisky Sour in the garage. He said he had to make sure his parents didn't find out he was smoking weed.
Howard said his mom got a job and he met this super hot chick. Howard said she was blond with big titties. He said she had blonde pubes. He said that was real too. He said that she was so hot. He said she didn't go to his high school so she didn't know he was a loser. Robin asked how he met her. Howard said he met her at a party. He said he thinks she thought he was a drug dealer and she was turned on by that. He said no one was able to alert her that he was a douche because she didn't go to his school. He said he had douche written all over him though.
Howard said this was one of his best nights and it was one of her worst nights. Howard said there were two girls and both were hot. He said they were fighting over him at the party. Howard said imagine that. Robin laughed. Howard said they were fighting and he wondered what fucking planet he was on. Howard said he looks like a bug. He has no idea how that happened. Howard said he had only gotten laid once at this point. He said he had to choose from the two girls and this is the one he chose. Howard said he tired to impress her by putting on some Neil Young. He said they started to mess around and he realized he was going to bang the hottest chick ever. Howard said she had a blonde bush and it was so cool. He said no one shaved like they do now.
Howard said he knew he was supposed to go down on the girl but he didn't know what he was doing. He said they had a small discussion and he put on a condom and came as he was going in. He said he told her maybe they shouldn't do this and she agreed. Then she started crying saying she misses her boyfriend. She wanted to call him in college in another state. Howard said he was freaking out his dad was going to see that. He said he told her to maybe call when she gets home. Howard said he drove her home after that.
Howard said he shot his load in about 3 seconds. He said after that each situation was worse than the next. He said he convinced himself that girl was crazy. He said she was talking about her boyfriend in front of him.
Fred had Neil Young playing so Howard talked about how great he is. He said he loves everything Neil did. Howard said he has a reaction to this song. He said he cums every time he hears it. He said she almost ruined that song for him.
Howard said you get older and you realize that the nightmare will be over soon. He said he has that to look forward to. He said maybe there's something after this.
Howard said he's writing a new song with Fred. He said they're seriously writing a hit song. Fred said he's not sure it's a hit. He said he was talking about how he thinks he could have a hit song if he did it like the song Funky Cold Medina. Howard said he told Fred to go home and write a song like that. Fred said they should call Young MC because he wrote that for Tone Loc. Howard asked what ever happened to that guy. Robin said he produces a lot now.
Howard said Fred sent him a song in the email and it's pretty good. Howard said Fred wrote some words but he doesn't want that stuff about him being King of All Media. Howard said he wants it to be something else. Howard said he's taking Fred's music and he'll write the lyrics. Howard said he was sitting and thinking but nothing was happening. He said he was so desperate for lyrics that he became jealous of Beetlejuice. Howard said Beet is a better writer than he is. Howard said he just sings about ''Kango in the jango'' or something. He played one of Beet's songs. Howard said he's so free with his lyrics. Howard said that's what he should be able to do. He said he's too uptight to write that stuff.
Howard had another Beetlejuice song where he sings about getting his dick sucked. Howard said he was writing stuff for Fred's music. Fred played some Beetle's music and Howard got pissed about John Lennon getting killed by that dick head. Howard said he's mad at John for not doing the show. Howard said that asshole Mick Jagger should do the show too. He said he should come in there and talk about music. Howard told him to come in there, stupid. He said he loved that story Craig Ferguson told about saying ''You're adorable'' when he met Mick for the first time. Howard said Mick can come in there any time but he's just being a shit.
Howard said he sat with Fred's music and came up with a little something. He said he told Fred what they're going to have to do is sit in the same room. Howard said he might have to just riff. Howard said it might not be worth it if he has to do that with Fred. Howard said they're going to jam a little bit. Howard said maybe he doesn't want a hit song.
Gary said John Oates was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He said he was talking about how he could write a song with Howard in 30 minutes if he comes up with a title. Howard said he's saying if he has a title he'll help him with it? Gary said he said he could have a song for him in 30 minutes if he comes up with a title. Howard asked if John can play drops so he can get rid of Fred.
Howard said that's an enticing deal. He asked if he wrote with Daryl Hall. Gary said he did. Howard said he thought that Daryl said he wrote most of that stuff. Howard said he's confused. Howard said they're touring with Tears for Fears this summer. Howard said he likes those guys. He said he may not take him up on that offer though. He said that style may not work for him. He said he may have to work with someone else. Howard said he'll never forget when he had Papa John Phillips on the show and Steven Tyler was on the same day. Howard said John had written some part of Kokomo and Steven Tyler said to John that they should write a song together and John said ''No, I don't think so.'' Howard said that guy was out of his fucking mind.
Howard said he was sitting and giggling at his computer yesterday. He said he was working on his song and he did write some parts for it. Then he realized it was part of another song. He said he came up with it but it was another song. Howard said it was coincidence though. He said he was at the computer for 3 hours trying to come up with something. He said it was all trite.
Howard asked Steve Brandano if he has the lyrics that he sent him. Gary said he's not in the office this second. Howard said he was journaling for a few days and he one of his morning pages was lyrics to a song. Howard said it was very heavy. He said maybe he could jam those into this riff that Fred wrote.
Howard asked if Will read the song. Will said he hasn't read it in a while. He said he remembers it being dark though. Howard said it's about OCD. He said the song is called OCD actually.
Steve Brandano came in and said he can see it working with a dark group. Steve said some group like Nine Inch Nails. Howard said maybe he should send them to Trent and have him write a song. Howard said this is a very heavy song he's written. Howard asked if they're still making music. Steve said they're on tour this year actually.
Shuli came in and said that Jeff calls him every day. He said he's also on the offensive with the trolls lately too. Jeff said he doesn't call every day. Howard asked what's going on. Shuli said he's looking to get a private investigator to look into the trolls. Howard asked Jeff what he's going to do with that information. Shuli said there are people who email him and tell him what they're going to do and it's fucked up shit. He said they're sending in the cops and people around him where he lives. Howard said Jeff is going to get someone to do the same to them and turn the tables on them. Shuli said he's going to see what their employers think of what they're doing. Jeff said they're harassing him and it's not right. He said he's just going to give their information to the authorities.
Shuli said the big hit he took recently was this pizza place he gets stuff from. He said he thought the trolls had nixed this one outlet that was bringing him stuff. Jeff said things are fine there now. Jeff said Shuli is fucking things up as always. Shuli said he told him that the pizza place thing was fucked up. Jeff said he did.
Howard said he has a guy named Dick Daniels on the phone who is a private investigator. Howard took the call from one of the guys in the back playing the role. Dick said he can help Jeff out with the trolls. He said he'll do whatever it takes to help him out. Howard said Jeff hung up as soon as he took the call. He spent a minute talking to Dick about what he's willing to do for Jeff.
Howard said Jeff is back. He picked up and Jeff said fuck this guy. Howard said his name is Dick Daniels. Jeff asked ''What the fuck Howard?'' Jeff hung up again a few seconds later. Dick had some lounge music playing behind him. Howard asked if Jeff was there. Jeff was gone. Dick said this is a waste of his time.
Howard said he heard that Jeff is wearing his Superman t-shirt this morning. Howard said he loves how Jeff calls and then hangs up. Robin said he gets so offended.
Howard said Jeff is back. He picked up again and said that he has to describe his dick to get Dick to work with him. Dick said he had trolls but he got rid of all of them. He said he just has to suck his dick. He said they can 69. Jeff asked Howard what the fuck he's doing. Dick said Jeff just has to lick his taint and balls. He said he can pay him with Jizz. Jeff said this is almost as stupid as the Richard Simmons bit. Jeff told Dick to start with Shuli and fuck him. Jeff and Dick went back and forth for a short time. Howard let Dick go a short time later.
Howard said they got a new phone system that just doesn't work. He tried hanging up on Dick but he hung up on both of them. Howard said they have to get that working. He said it's fucking him up. He said he's not sure what was wrong with the old system. He said he could work it. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard said speaking of Gary the Conqueror they called him with their Wendy impersonator (Rachel Butera) and tried to find out if he wanted to have phone sex. Howard played the clip and Wendy said she wanted to have phone sex with Gary. Gary told her to take her diaper off. Gary said he was outside so he can't do the same thing. He said she's a sick mother fucker. He called her a dumb shit too. Gary told her to get her mind out of the gutter and hung up.
Robin wondered why he objects to her so much. Howard said he has a problem with her. Robin said he calls her a retard too so that's not right.
Howard said he has a guy in Baltimore who said ''cock'' instead of clock. He said he loves it. Howard played the clip where the sports guy screwed that up. Howard said he can tell the guy slipped earlier and he really made it worse when he slipped up later. Howard said you get in your head and it really fucks you up.
Howard said Chris Hayes on CNBC said ''Under cunts'' instead of undercuts. Howard played that clip and then one where a guy said ''shit'' on the air. He said he was goofing around and he may have thought he wasn't on the air. Gary said he was on skis and he was goofing around and fell so that's why he said shit. Howard wondered how the guy got the ''under cunt'' thing wrong. Howard said that's something Ronnie would talk about. He and Fred did their impressions of Ronnie talking about the best part being the under cunt.
Howard said this military guy said ''smite fart'' instead of fight smart when he was on the air. Howard said they're so childish around there that alarms go off in JD's office when someone says fart on the air. Howard said JD is just sitting there waiting for someone to say fart of cunt. Howard said it's a crazy club house working there. He said it must be what it was like working with National Lampoon. He said maybe he should name his song ''Smite Fart.''
Howard said it's crazy around there because Richard and Sal are making phony phone calls and Benjy is in the bathroom measuring his cock.
Howard said he has a phony phone call and he played it for Beth and her eyes glazed over. Howard said she got bored within 15 seconds. Howard said they had Caitlyn Jenner call into a religious radio show and Beth got bored by it. Howard said he couldn't believe it. Robin asked if they have the same sense of humor. Howard said sometimes they do. Howard said he's really into her though. He said maybe you shouldn't have the same sense of humor. He said maybe opposites do attract. Howard said he thinks Will the Farter is the funniest thing they do on the show. Robin said there are funnier things. She said he is always funny though. Howard said what he does is great. He said he's on the verge of shitting all the time. Howard said there's no way he and his wife have the same sense of humor. He said she'd be disgusted. Howard said when Sal and Richard pretend to blow each other in front of Tan Mom that's the funniest thing ever.
Howard played the phony phone call he was talking about. They had fake Caitlyn Jenner call into this religious radio show and he told them about her sex change operation. The host didn't want this in her show so she tried to get fake Caitlyn to hang up. Caitlyn kept going with the stories about tucking her penis and things like that. They eventually hung up on her.
Howard said that's what he wanted to share with his wife and she didn't want to hear it. Robin said maybe it was too much build up for her. Howard said that's Kyle Dunnigan doing the Caitlyn voice. Howard said that was beautiful. He said it doesn't get better than that. He said he told her that she has to listen to that. Robin said he should have told her that the big line was coming.
Howard said they got into a big argument when Melissa asked him to speak at Joan Rivers funeral. Howard said he was knocking his head against the wall and then he came up with saying that Joan had a very dry vagina. He said Beth told him he can't do that. Howard said she told him not to do it. Howard said when he did it at the funeral she told him it was more fun. Howard said they don't share the same sense of humor but it doesn't slow him down. Howard said he likes being with her.
Howard said this guy Sean Spicer seems to be having a meltdown. Robin said he has a weird line on his lip and the makeup doesn't go in there so he has this line there. Robin said he must get powdered down. Howard said it would be funny if they fired 50 makeup artists. Fred said they catch him with spinach stuck in his teeth. Howard said something he has learned is that he uses these The Doctor's Brush Picks to pick his teeth. Howard said he uses them after every time he eats. He said he picks out all kinds of crap after he eats. Howard said he uses about 4 or 5 a day. He said he's constantly picking his teeth. He said his father was asking him why he does that. He said his father did it too and that's where he learned it. Howard said his father criticizes him over it though.
Howard said these picks do great. He said Sean Spicer should do the same. He said he had spinach between his teeth. Robin said he couldn't have known it wasn't there. Robin said it was huge. Howard said the people he works with must hate him. He said they should have told him.
Howard played a clip of a spokesperson speaking for him. They made up this bit where people ask this guy questions about Howard's hair, Benjy's ban and the spokesperson spins it all.
Robin asked who the spokesperson would be if he had a scandal. Howard said it won't be Fred for sure.
Howard said that Sean Spicer really does seem like he's having a meltdown. Howard said he used to play the White House Easter Bunny. He said he looks like the kind of guy who has been beaten up. He said yesterday a black reporter was shaking her head and Sean told her not to shake her head at his answers. Howard said Bill O'Reilly thinks he's a comedian because he hangs out with Dennis Miller. He said he goes on the other shows at FOX News and he changes into this fun guy on the other shows. Howard said he goes on tour with Dennis Miller and he thinks Bill thinks he's funny now. Howard said he's on FOX and Friends and they showed Maxine Waters and Bill said that it's hard to pay attention to her because she's wearing a James Brown wig. Howard said he must be looking for laughs but he thinks now he's going to cut back on the comedy Bill O'Reilly.
Howard asked if anyone has been to the Dennis Miller and Bill O'Reilly show. He said he gets why Dennis would go on the road but not Bill. He said he heard Bill has a prop crate like Carrot Top. Howard said at the end he smashes a watermelon and pretends it's Maxine Waters' head.
Howard said Bill O'Reilly is all charming on other shows. He said he goes on The View and charms all of the ladies. Howard said he's Stand Up Bill on those shows. Howard said on his own show he's more serious.
Howard said Bill was all arrogant talking about Maxine and her wig. Howard said that he's no treat when you see him. He said there's a reason he can't hold on to a woman. Howard said O'Reilly has a lot of money and he can't be getting a lot of pussy. He said he bets the guy didn't get any until his late 20s. Howard said he thinks he was a virgin until his late 20s. He said the guy thinks he's a stand up and he's not. Fred said that Maxine is 78 years old so a wig isn't that crazy.
Howard asked JD if he has the clip of bill talking about Maxine. JD said he'll have it in a minute. Howard had it a short time later. Howard played the clip and Maxine was talking about something and Bill said he couldn't hear what she was saying because of that James Brown wig. One guy laughed. Bill was trying to joke around about how he loves James Brown and he's not saying she's not attractive. Howard said he's not Dennis Miller so stop it. He said just be that serious conservative guy. Robin said pretend you're not spinning things.
Howard said this is when he's funny. He played a clip of Bill freaking out on the set of Inside Edition from many years ago when he said ''We'll do it live! Fuck it!... Do it live... Fuckin' thing sucks!'' Howard said that's when Bill is funny. Howard said he has the charm of a tarantula. He said that bit is called ''We'll do it live: The Tantrum.'' Howard said that was from Inside Edition when he was the host of that. Howard said he's pretty sure he'll cut out the stand up now. Howard said he should limit himself to that half hour show he does. Robin said she thinks it's an hour. Robin said that's what happened when you're not a funny man and you make a joke.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has a Lenny Dykstra April Fools day message for Robin. Howard played the clip and Lenny was thinking about how he didn't want to eat Robin's pussy. Then he said ''April fools!'' Lenny said he needs to eat that pussy. Howard said he fell for it. He said then he said he was just kidding and it's April Fools. Howard said he's always pulling that.
Howard said speaking of Sean Spicer he has a blooper from him. He said it sounded like he was saying Genitals instead of generals. Howard played the clip and it did sound like he said ''He's talking to his genitals...''
Howard played another clip of a news reporter saying ''Attorney Genital'' in a newscast. Howard said you'd think they'd go back and fix that. Howard said he wants to know how guys like that get that big voice. He said it's kind of incredible. Howard replayed the clip and the guy's name was Ross Simpson and he had that really deep news voice. Howard tried to do that voice and talked about the ''genital attorney.'' Howard said if you say that his staff will find it eventually. He said we're too smart for you. Howard played the clip again and pointed out that the guy said it twice and no one even cares. Howard said they just put it out there and don't worry about it.
Howard said when those guys have that voice you're lulled into it. He said no one is even listening. Robin said that's what Vin Diesel's voice is like. Howard played the clip again and said that the guy said ''Attorney Genital'' twice. Howard said maybe he is an attorney genital. Howard wondered if that guy talks like that all the time. He said it's a very special way of talking. He said there are some guys who do talk like that all the time.
Howard kept playing the Ross Simpson clip over and over and tried talking like the guy. He said it's amazing he ever got a job in radio. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard said he didn't know why the obits about Chuck Berry mentioned how he invented ''the double stop.'' Howard said he didn't know what that was. He said it turns out that it's where he hits two guitar strings at once that doubles the note. He said he's seen Keith Richards talk about that. He played a clip where you can hear it. Howard asked Fred if he does that. Fred wasn't there. Howard said he went to the bathroom. Howard said that's the first time he's called on him in 6 months and he's not there. Howard said Fred has to go to the bathroom during the show because he has to run the commercials. Fred came back and said Howard described the double stop right and he does do that too. Howard said that's enough of Fred.
Howard said Chuck grew up in St. Louis. He said he went to reform school for armed robbery. He also worked at a hair salon. He said he'd like to see the place that hired an armed robber. Robin said they may not have had background checks back then.
Howard read more about Chuck Berry and what he did to change music. Howard said that Chuck also did the duck walk with the guitar. He said that was kind of cool. He said try playing guitar and doing that. Howard said every major guitar player has credited him with some king of inspiration. Howard said some people say Elvis was the first rock star but he wasn't. He said that he was inspired by guys like Chuck.
Howard played some of Chuck's music. He said he had all kinds of great songs but his biggest hit was ''My Dingaling.'' He said that was just a novelty song. Howard played some of that song.
Howard said that John Lennon was a big fan of Chuck's and wanted rock and roll to be called ''Chuck Berry.'' Howard said the Beatles first performance in the United States was a cover of a Chuck Berry song. Howard played some of that.
Howard said his favorite thing was that Mike Douglas put together John Lennon and Chuck Berry. They played ''Memphis Tennessee'' together. Howard said he remembers seeing that and it was so exciting. He said that Mike put them together but Yoko was there doing that screaming that she does. Howard said he wondered if it was a joke. He said if you look at Chuck's face he looks at her like ''Are you serious, bitch?'' Howard played some of that and you can hear Yoko screaming. Howard said Yoko was too crazy for Chuck. Howard said that's love for John. He said he put up with that. He put Yoko on stage with Chuck Berry.
Howard said the Beach Boys had a hit song called Surfin USA. He said that Chuck was going to sue them because it's basically his song ''Sweet Little 16.'' Howard played the two songs and they were very similar. Howard said he hears the similarities.
Robin said that's why she asks musicians if they have ever worked on songs that were already written. Howard said Chuck threatened to sue and he got a taste of that. He said he got a writing credit for it. Fred said he thinks he did get a writing credit.
Howard said Keith Richards loved Chuck Berry too. He said Chuck treated Keith like shit and Keith put up with it. Gary said they almost got into a fist fight in the movie.
Howard played more of Chuck's music. Howard said he thought the best use of his music was in ''Back to the Future.'' Howard said that was really good. He played a clip from the movie where he played ''Johnny B Goode.'' Howard said they used a Chuck Berry song in Pulp Fiction. He played a clip from that movie too. Howard said that was a great movie. Howard and Robin talked about some of Quentin's movies and how great they are. Howard said sometimes Robin is off on these movies but he's with her on Pulp Fiction.
Howard said Chuck Berry was tough to work with and Brian Johnson talked about how tough it was when he met Chuck. Howard said Chuck would show up right before the show with his guitar and then he'd split right after. He said he insisted on being paid in cash. He said he'd use local pick up bands instead of having his own band. Howard said Steve Miller and Springsteen backed him up. Howard played a clip of Brian Johnson talking about meeting Chuck Berry. He asked Chuck for an autograph and Chuck said he does one a day and he had already done it. Brian said he was his hero but he was tough to talk to.
Robin said Chuck was a bitter man. She said he had a rough life and he never got the recognition he thought he deserved. Howard said in 1959 he spent 20 months in prison for taking a 14 year old over state lines. Howard said he also got arrested of income tax evasion. Howard said he was once sued by a woman who accused him of punching her in the mouth. Howard said High Society magazine also printed some pictures of him posing naked with women. He claimed he had to do that to prove they were consenting.
Howard said Chuck owned a restaurant and they found a camera in the bathroom. He said they found the tapes when there was a drug raid. He said there were a lot of crazy stories about Chuck. He said there was a leaked sex tape that showed him allegedly getting his ass eaten and then he farts in her face. Howard played a clip from that. He said the audio isn't real good but you can hear it. Howard said if a woman was eating his ass he'd never do that. He said she's a nice woman for doing that. He said guys are awful. He said he's not sure how ladies date guys.
Howard said this guy invented rock and roll and then he's farting in a woman's face. Gary said you can hear him saying ''Give my asshole a kiss...'' Howard said he also pees in a woman's mouth in another tape. Howard played some audio from that leaked tape too. Howard said he's not sure why guys are into that. Robin said when they get angry they humiliate women. Howard said Sal loves pee porn and stuff like that. He said he's angry toward women too.
Howard said Sal is way into piss porn. Sal came in and said he doesn't hate women. Howard said Sal doesn't enjoy women. Sal said he does love women. Howard said he wrote that song about punching his wife until she shits out her bones. Sal said that was a marriage song, not a women song. Sal said that the baby sitter porn thing is creepy to him. Howard said it's a grown woman play acting. Howard said this is an actual person being peed on. Sal said what Chuck Berry did was wrong. He said he enjoys women who like to get peed on.
Howard had a tape of this woman Flowers Tushy that Sal likes. He played a clip of the woman talking about how she likes pee dripping down her face. Howard had the song parody that Sal wrote about pissing on a girl. Howard said that was from years ago. Howard said it's all about humiliating women. Howard said Sal leaves some legacy behind with his song parodies. He played his song parody about beating his wife.
Howard said he wrote that with Ike Turner. Sal said yeah, and then they beat their wives together. Howard said that song parody he wrote is one that OJ wrote him about saying that's his favorite. Sal said his favorite is Photograph.
Howard got back to Chuck and said that many bands were inspired by the guy so he left his mark on the world. Howard said he has a promo for a new album from Chuck. It was a parody commercial about songs that he had about pissing on women.
Howard said someone told him about Sal and how he jerks off on his back with his legs in the air because he likes to fantasize about getting his ass eaten. Sal said that he stayed in the city for the snow storm and he did that in the room. He said the next day they were talking about sleeping and he mentioned how great his jerk off was. Howard asked if he imagined a girl was eating his asshole. Sal said it's the air wafting into his asshole. He said he's never had a girl do that to him before. Howard said his wife isn't going to do that to him. Howard said his wife is with him and they have 3 kids and it's a financial concern. Howard said that if they didn't have kids they'd be divorced. Sal said no. Howard said Beth isn't going to eat his ass. He said his ass is gross. He said he doesn't have to dangle his feet in the air either. He said Sal has that hemorrhoid back there too. He said no girl is going to eat that ass.
Howard said Sal told them about clamping his pouch closed to catch his cum. Sal said he'd take it and dump it in the toilet. He said once his wife told him to throw out his tissues when he blows his nose. He said it wasn't snot. He said that he jerks off when she sleeps too. Howard said that he had to have Gary throw out his cum tissues. He said that was a bit for the air though.
Howard said he heard another story about Sal that is so disturbing. Howard asked if his wife caught him on a web cam dressed as a woman. Sal said that was a long time ago. He said this is when web cams first came out. He said that you had to have your wife with you to get a couple to get naked. Sal said that he was going into lesbian chat rooms to see women. He said they'd shut him off. He said that he put a wig on and he got some lesbians to do stuff thinking he was a woman. He said his wife woke up and caught him. He said the computer was in the living room at the time. Howard asked how she stays with him. Howard said if his wife caught him doing that she'd leave him.
Howard asked Sal if he got yelled at. Sal said she came over and he took off the wig and he punched the camera off the top of the computer. He said he told her he was just having fun with it. He said he might be able to turn it into a bit or something. Howard asked if his cock was out. Sal said it wasn't.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Trump can nuke Sal after he's done nuking China. Howard took another call from a woman who asked if Sal sounds like Ray Romano. Howard said he sounds more like this. He did his impression of Ray. Howard said Sal is creepy though. Howard said for a woman they must be disgusted by all men. the caller said she's not but it reminds her of going to the zoo with her son and all of the animals are trying to get on each other. Howard said he doesn't know one guy who ever used those Times Square booths other than Sal. Howard said they don't have the booths anymore. Sal said they're limited. Howard said Sal wants to fuck Tan Mom too. He used to jerk off the Blue Iris' voice too.
Gary said Sal asks why he should go to therapy for this. He said meanwhile he's going to the booths, getting caught dressed as a woman, getting caught jerking off at work and more. Howard said they used to use the Sybian all the time and they caught him sniffing the attachments for that thing. Sal said at the time the camera man asked him to do that. He said that was part of his job. Howard said he used to keep Debbie the Queefer's panties too. Sal said that was a memento. Howard said he's creepy and pervy. Sal said Ronnie is the creepiest perv there. Howard said he thinks Sal is.
Howard said Ronnie did jerk off to his parents having a threesome. Sal jerked off to his aunt. Sal said he wanted to take a peek at women's genitalia. He didn't know what it would lead to.
The caller asked how you explain this to your friends when you're Sal's wife. Sal said he just masturbates from time to time. He said every man does that. Sal said that his wife talks about what a goof fucking husband he is. Sal yelled at the caller to get off the phone.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she has a theory about Sal. She asked if anyone has ever looked at Sal's phone to see if he sexts with Tan Mom. Sal said he doesn't do that. He said she yelled at him for never returning her calls the other day. Howard said Sal made his wife shovel snow the last time it snowed. Sal said he had his hair plugs done so he wasn't able to do that. He said his wife was nice enough to do that for him.
Gary asked if Sal is saying that he never jerked off to a family member. Sal said he wants to move on from that. Gary brought it up and Sal said that he got a talking to at a family gathering.
Howard asked Sal if he ever jerked off to his sisters. Sal said no. He said he has 3. Howard said he bets he did. Sal said that stuff creeps him out.
Ronnie came in and said that Sal is creepier than him. He said he never hid in a closet. Robin said he laid on the floor and looked under the door. Ronnie told her to shut up. Ronnie said Sal is fucked up. Howard agreed that Sal is the most pervy. Sal said sure. Howard said it's way more normal to jerk off to your parents than sneak a look at your aunt. Howard said Sal put on a wig and pretended to be a girl. Sal said you don't know what you're missing. Sal said he did it in the privacy of his own home. Sal said his wife was there but she was sleeping.
Howard said Sal is so fucked up. He said his wife could have woken up at any time. Howard said Sal told her he was working on a bit. Howard asked what she said. Sal said she really didn't say much. He said that's even scarier. He said that's the worst part when your wife becomes indifferent. Howard said she's shell shocked.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who said they were the NYPD and they're on their way to pick those two up.
Howard said Sal was wearing lipstick too when he had that wig on. Sal said he was. He said he had an Ace Frehley wig and he found lipstick in his bedroom.
Howard took a call from Norman Bates who said these two are fucked up. Howard said even this guy is disgusted. Howard said there are things that they can't talk about with Sal. Howard said he had to bleep out King of All Blacks. He must have taken a call from King who brought something up.
Howard said that Sal got a bag of Maybeline makeup from one of the guys. Sal said he did get some stuff. He said that he got some eye makeup stuff. He said it's actually men's makeup for his dark eyes. Howard asked why he wears makeup. Sal said he has dark rings under his eyes. Howard said some people think he waxes his eyebrows. Sal said he doesn't do that. Howard said he shaves his chest though. Sal said he does because he has weird tits and it looks better without the hair.
Howard asked Sal who he's doing this for because his wife doesn't care. Sal said she does care. Howard said he used to come in wearing glitter. He said he was wearing tanner with glitter in it. Sal said it was tanning cream. He said he got melanoma on his ass so he was using tanning cream. He said it is what it is. Howard said this guy wonders why he won't let him in his house.
Howard took a call from a woman who told Sal to call her a cunt to get it out of the way. She said she's a psychiatric nurse and she'd like to ask Robin for one redeemable quality about Sal. Robin said his kids like him. Howard said that's true. He said that's an answer. The caller asked if there's anything else. Robin said Sal actually has a heart and feelings. Robin said sometimes other things take over though. Howard said it's that little thing between his legs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal had a great line about liking women earlier. Howard said you don't jerk off to your aunt though. Howard said Sal got hit in the head with cum. Sal said he had the cum phone thing. He went to a booth one night and a guy had jerked off on the phone so he got cum in his ear. Howard said that is so disgusting. He asked if he went to a booth after that. Sal said ''Oh sure.'' Sal said no one gets hurt by that stuff.
Howard said High Pitch Erik is on the phone doing a Chuck Berry impression. Howard picked up and Erik was doing that deep voice thing. He said he just woke up from his grave. Howard said it's so great doing bits with him because you know he has no material. Erik had nothing when Howard tried to play along.
Gary said they have a poll up about who is creepier and it's a dead heat. He said it's 50/50 right now. Howard asked where it is. Jason said it's on their twitter account @SternShow. Howard said Ronnie is creepy but not as pervy as Sal. Robin said it's also Ronnie's sex tips. Robin said maybe that's it.
Howard tried to do the Chuck Berry thing with High Pitch Erik but Erik had nothing to say. He wasn't being funny and he had no material. Howard said he has no material and he's got nothing. Howard asked him what it was like writing one of his songs and Erik said it was good. Robin asked him to do a few bars of Maybeline. Erik said he forgot so he can't do that. Howard asked if he's still drinking 2 bottles of soda a day. Erik said he gave that up. Howard asked if he met Joey Boots up there. Erik said he did and he said he loves and misses him. Howard said he should go on stage with Erik and do a whole hour. Howard said he could do the bit like Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner. Howard said it'll be an evening with High Pitch Erik.
Howard asked Chuck more questions and Erik was talking about hanging out with Joey Boots up in heaven like Chuck knew Joey. Howard asked if he made friends with anyone up there. Erik said just Joey and Nicole Bass.
Erik broke out of his voice and got back to High Pitch Erik. Erik asked Robin if she would do an F, Marry, Kill with Lenny Dykstra, Sal or Ronnie. Howard said even that's stupid. Robin did it and said she's killing Lenny Dykstra. Robin said she'd marry Sal because you don't have to sleep with him.
Howard asked to talk to Chuck Berry again. He said he wants to do a whole hour. Erik said he'll come in next week and do a whole hour. Howard said he burned through a lot of material today. Erik said he has to rest his voice for next week. Erik started to do the voice but Howard hung up.
Howard said JD might be a bigger creep than Sal. He said JD told a webcam girl that he wanted to see a dog lick peanut butter off her pussy. Howard said JD was also following porn stars on Twitter just hours after he got engaged to his girlfriend. JD said he's creepy but he's not looking to talk about it like these guys. Howard said they're just trying to figure out who the creepiest guy on the show is.
Howard brought up other things that JD did like spending 10 grand on porn. Howard said telling a girl to lick stuff off her pussy is dark. He asked if he's right. JD said he's not going to talk about this stuff. Howard asked JD to come in. JD said he's not coming in.
Howard said Gary is creepy too. He said he gave a girl anal and then he went into the bathroom to look at her shit with the cum in it. Gary said that was just one time. He said these guys are into a lot more. Sal said Gary jerks off to teen anal. He said that's creepy.
Gary said Jason talked about jerking off so much that real sex wasn't doing it for him. Howard said he's a fat guy and jerking off his less embarrassing than fucking someone. Howard said he has issues.
Howard said Gary sang a song about finding his cum in that woman's shit. Howard played that song parody but Howard got grossed out immediately and stopped it. Howard said that whole thing is so vile. Howard said Gary is like an animal. Sal was talking about how creepy that was and Gary said Sal feels so empowered when something like that comes up. He said another guy on the staff thinks that Sal likes having his legs in the air because he's fantasizing about having a guy fuck him in the ass. Sal said that's not it at all. Howard asked Sal what's up with the hemorrhoid in his ass. Sal said he's had it removed twice and it keeps coming back. Howard said he pushes too hard when he shits. Sal said he knows and he's got to get more fiber in his diet. Howard said he pushes too hard. Sal said he knows he does.
Ronnie said he gives his cat Miralax so it shits good. He said the vet told him to do that. He said that doesn't hurt him. Howard said he never heard of that. Ronnie said the cat would back up sometimes. He said it's like a little spoon full. He said now the cat shits great.
Howard said Sal is the perviest. Howard asked if he used to hide porn in his newspapers at work. Sal said he did. Then he'd go take a shit with the porn mags in the paper.
Howard took a call from a woman (one of the guys in the back) who said she just shit out a hot load so Gary can come check out her load. She told Gary to come look at her cum bubbles. Howard asked Gary if he wanted to throw up when he looked at it. Gary said he was so drunk he doesn't remember.
Gary asked if Sal wants to talk about his arrest. Sal said he didn't get arrested. Howard said he didn't know he got arrested. Sal said he once kicked in a Burger King drive thru window. He said he was doing Karate stuff and he did it by accident. Sal said he was sitting next to a guy who was handcuffed and it turned out the guy next to him had murdered his wife. Sal said that wraps up this creep segment.
Howard asked if Sal's first blow job was from a hooker. Sal said that's not true. He said that's it, very good. He said Fred just left and Howard has a live to read. Howard said that can wait.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal is creepy and Ronnie is pervy. He said Sal has the creepiest stories. He said that you can't put them in the same box. Howard said Sal went to a birthday party and drew cum on the woman's picture. Sal said it was fun. He said people were signing their names on her face so he drew some jizz on her face. Howard said one time Sal wiped his dick on vegetables at a party they had. Sal said it was next door where he smacked his penis on a pumpkin. It was outside. Howard asked why he did it. Sal said he just smacked his weiner on a pumpkin.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she thinks Sal is a nice guy but he might be misguided. She said he was raised by an Italian maniac and she knows what that can be like. Howard asked if that's why he rubs his dick on a pumpkin. The caller said she has to take it all back after hearing that. Howard said Sal is so well thought out. He asked Sal if he used to go to the rub and tug place and go to the second floor so he could hear the cops coming. Sal said that's ridiculous. Sal laughed. He said he never went to a rub and tug. Howard said he used to go and hide in the second floor so he could escape if the cops came. Sal said he liked to go to one with a set of stairs. He said you want to have enough time to put on your pants. Howard said Sal had an app to find the massage places around the city. Sal said that's true. Ronnie said he never had that. Sal said that app didn't work out. He said it was difficult to maintain. He said he made a few bucks with it. He said it was called SpaNow. He said you could find all of the spas in the area you were in. Sal said he's sticking with this job. He said he's not good with the whole business thing.
Howard said he can't believe Brent fucked 6 girls in front of people in Okinawa. He said Sal would do that. Sal said no way. Howard asked Ronnie if he has ever done that in front of people. Ronnie said only one person but it was a girl. He said she was there watching and participating.
Howard asked Sal if he used to hide under the bed while friends were having sex. Sal said he and his friends all did that. He said they'd come out and the girls would laugh. He said it was just for fun. Howard said that's fucked up. He said it's like spying on someone. He said it's the same thing. Sal said it's not the same thing. they were just scaring the girls.
Howard said you know Sal jerked off. Sal said no he didn't and don't imply that. Sal said it was at house parties and they were all drinking and sex was going on.
Howard said Sal used to call phone sex lines and go to McDonald's to jerk off. Sal said he may have done that. He said they had a one stall bathroom where you could be alone. Sal said it was a long time ago. Gary said the bathroom at McDonald's was so gross that you have to hold your nose to go in there. Howard kept asking ''Sal, didn't you once...'' and Sal would freak out.
Brent Hatley came in and Howard said he thinks that Brent does some creepy stuff too. He said that he had sex in front of people in Okinawa. Howard said he's a freak. He said he's into group sex. Brent said he has participated in that stuff. Howard said Brent would do all kinds of weird stuff. Brent said that he wasn't that happy with his life at that point. Howard said Brent got a blow job on the air from a porn star once. Brent said he won't say her name but Howard knows her very well. Howard asked if Brent got it up for that. Brent said it was up and this was on regular radio. He said they got one fine for $755,000 once. Howard said he had at total of over 3 million. Brent said they got fined for having a guy lift a cinder block with his penis once. Howard said that's ridiculous.
Brent said Howard got fined for saying he almost masturbated to the Aunt Jemima bottle and that was the closest he ever got to making love to a black woman.
Howard said Brent once let a grizzly bear eat a marshmallow from his mouth on the air. Brent said that was a smaller grizzly but it did happen. Howard said Brent did a lot of weird stuff. Brent talked about the sex in front of people in Okinawa again.
Howard said Robin used to flash guys in traffic. Robin said she never did it, she just thought about it. Howard said she auditioned for a porn movie too. Robin said she was photographed for that. Howard said she's a freak. Robin has masturbated with vegetables too. Howard said she spent a whole weekend masturbating with her door locked too. Robin said she wasn't very happy with her life at the time.
Howard asked who won the poll between Sal and Ronnie. Jason said Sal has 53 to Ronnie's 47 percent. Howard said Sal is winning the popular vote. He said he's not sure what will happen with the electoral vote. Sal said that's the way it goes. He said that he's happy to share. Howard played a song parody where they had Sal messing up words on the air. They went to break after that.
Howard said they should get to news. He played her into her news with a song parody. Robin read a story about a law being passed about stopping bestiality in some state where it wasn't illegal yet. Robin also talked about some of the creepy things Howard has done over the years.
Robin read a story about human waste showing up in some drink cans in a bottling company. Robin said the feces clogged the machine so that's how it was discovered.
Robin read a story about a small town in Texas where one of the students was accused of sodomizing other students with bottles and bats. Robin said more than 10 boys came forward about this. Robin said that 9 students were arrested over it. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
After the break, around 10:25am, Howard came back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about a guy who tried running over some officers in Washington DC this morning. It was just several blocks away from the White House. Robin said the suspect was arrested.
Robin read a story about how cats want more of your attention than they want to eat. Robin said they say cats aren't antisocial like people say they are. Howard said they're really not. He said their cats follow them around constantly. Robin said a study was done and the cats picked human affection over food when they were deprived of both. Howard said they are so involved with the cats. He said they really do follow them around everywhere.
Robin read a story about a little girl on YouTube named Rayna... Howard stopped her and said that name is from Star Trek. He had Fred look it up. Fred said she was named for a writer on the show. They spent a minute going over that and Fred's explanation wasn't getting through to Howard. Howard said he can't connect with Fred for some reason. He said they'll work it out. Robin said the Rayna she's talking about is a girl walking up to a discarded water heater and talking to it like it's a robot. Howard said Fred thought their water heater was a robot. Robin had some audio of the girl talking to the ''robot.'' Robin said it does look something like a robot. Robin said the girl keeps talking to it and saying she loves it. Howard said he had the choice of speaking to Fred or a water heater and he picked the water heater. Fred said he saw that coming from a mile away. He said Howard has something going on where he doesn't get what he says no matter what.
Robin read a story about Stephen Colbert getting higher ratings than Jimmy Fallon's Tonight show. Robin said that it's the 8th week in a row. Howard said Colbert does very stinging commentary on Trump. Robin said she thinks that Fallon has been doing more lately. Howard said he can't keep track. He said he has to sleep. Robin said that the Late Show had 2.77 million and the Tonight Show had 2.74 million.
Robin asked if Michael Strahan is the greatest broadcaster in the world. Howard said no. Robin said he's all over TV. Howard said he's a nice guy and he likes him a lot but they carry on a lot about him. Robin said they say that there are problems at Good Morning America. Robin said that he's the host of the show now. Robin said he has a huge presence on the show now. Howard said maybe he is the greatest. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a teacher who may have slept with her special ed student. Howard said he sees some of these teachers and they're really good looking. Howard said he hasn't seen this one though. Robin said she hasn't either. Howard said he's not sure what this one looks like but maybe she's not hot.
Robin said there is a missing 15 year old girl who may have been taken by her former teacher. Robin said that this guy isn't so hot but the teen is cute. Robin said they disappeared after someone reported seeing him kissing the 15 year old girl. Robin said they put out a national alert and he may have taken her off to Mexico. Robin said he may run out of money soon and the dollar goes a lot further down there. Howard said he wished that a teacher had kidnapped him and taken him away. Robin said the girl has been missing for 4 days or so and they don't know if the girl is safe or not.
Robin read a story about a teacher in New york who tried to get a 16 year old drunk and pick her up with lines from Shakespeare. Howard said you can't send your kid to school. Robin said this teacher was 56 years old. Robin read more details about the story. Howard said his mom didn't worry about him being picked up by a teacher since he looked like a witch. Robin said Howard had hovering parents and the kids who have that don't usually have that problem. Howard said his mother only hovered when it came to taking his temperature anally. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Chuck Berry being back on the charts since his death. Robin said he died on March 18th and now he's back in the top 40. Howard asked if he's buried yet. Howard asked if Casey Kasem is buried yet. Robin said he is. Howard said James Brown was above ground for a while too. Robin said she's not sure about Chuck.
Howard said he never got to mention Chuck Barris. He said he thinks he's in the ground already and they haven't done a eulogy. Howard said he was incredible. Robin said he was a crazy, amazing guy. Howard said Chuck Barris created some great game shows. Howard said he owned TV for a while. He said that he also wrote a pop hit called Palisades Park. He played some of the song. Howard said with any luck High Pitch Erik will call in with a chuck Barris impression. Howard played some clips of Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Dating Game. Howard said they loved the Gong Show too. Howard said Michael Jackson was on the Dating Game. He's pretty sure about that. Gary said that's true. He said he was really young like in his early teens.
Robin said that Donald Trumps lawyers are saying that he can't be sued because he's President. Robin said she's hearing that no one is above the law though. Robin said that Trump is being sued for debasing and denigrating a woman for claiming she was groped by Trump in 2007.
Robin had some audio of Donald Trump talking about health care and how everyone wants the same thing, greatness for this country we love.
Howard took a call from Chad from St. Louis who said he noticed online there's a company selling cock rings called Mund Rings and they're using Ronnie references. He asked if they're official Ronnie cock rings. Ronnie came in and said he just saw it and they are using his name. He said he has nothing to do with it. Howard asked what he's going to do. Robin asked if he has an agent. Ronnie said Don helps him with some things so maybe he should call him. Robin said you can't take someone's likeness to sell stuff. He didn't copyright ''Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock.'' Ronnie said he's going to look into it. Ronnie said the cock ring looks stupid. He said they look like little donuts. Ronnie said he wouldn't put this out. He said that it won't do anything. Ronnie said ''Fuck Mund!'' Howard said there's also a Ronnie Mund pussy Roman candle to shove up your wife's pussy. He said Ronnie is going to sue everyone.
Robin read a story about Sean Spicer getting into some trouble with a reporter yesterday. Robin had some audio of Spicer arguing with a reporter and asking her not to shake her head again. Robin said he always gets a little uptight. Howard said there was a video of a woman yelling at Sean Spicer at an Apple store. Howard played the clip and the woman was going off on him asking if he was a criminal and if he had committed treason too. Spicer just said ''thank you.''
Robin had some audio of President Trump talking about how he's always going to have law enforcement's back like they've had his. Robin said that some law enforcement is saying that they may not have his back if they cut funds to ''sanctuary cities'' around the country.
Robin read a story about an Olympic gymnast testifying about the USA Gymnastics not protecting athletes. Robin said that one doctor is accused of sexually assaulting these gymnasts.
Robin read a story about Governor Cuomo having a very high approval rating and people would like to see him take on Trump. Robin said that's what a poll says. Robin said that he has a 52 percent approval rating. Robin read more into the story and they say that they actually don't want him to run for president but battle Trump from Albany.
Robin read a story about 3 storm chasers dying after their vehicle collided with another vehicle of storm chasers who were going after a tornado in Texas. Robin read about how some of the people were with The Weather channel. Robin said they ran a stop sign hitting another vehicle.
Robin read a story about Facebook having a Snapchat type feature coming where the video will disappear after 24 hours.
Robin read a story about the national song library taking in some songs. Robin read about the songs that they're putting in the historical registry.
Robin read a story about an Indiana man who claims that his ''sexsomnia'' made him touch a 15 year old girl who was at a sleep over. Robin said they're trying to charge him with felony sexual battery. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.