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Howard started the show talking about how he invited the guys in again this morning. He said everyone but Benjy is in there. Howard said still no Benjy. He said he can't think of any adult who calls themselves Benjy. He said there's a guy named Benjy Madden but he's like a kid at 23. Howard said he's the only adult Benjy. Robin said she was saying hi to Ronnie and then saw his grey hair. Howard said maybe he should become Ronald. Ronnie asked what that has to do with Benjy.
Howard played a compilation of snow storm Benjy mentions in the news. Howard said Benjy can be a little boy. Fred said ''or a dog.'' Howard said that's right. He played more Benjy mentions in the news. Howard said he was constantly hit with Benjy on the news over the weekend.
Howard said he invited the guys in to help clean up the computers again. He said they never finished that. Howard said Alec Baldwin is coming in and he's got a new book coming out. He said Fred wrote him over the weekend about a David Bowie documentary and he thought it was horrible. Howard said it's called Bowie something. He said that they had no money to license the Bowie music so they have a bunch of people performing Bowie songs. He said they have people being interviewed and they talk and talk. He said they talk about his music but don't play any of it. He said he had a copy of something else called Mick Ronson The Man By Bowie's Side and he was a guitar player for Bowie. Howard said the guy was quite a talent. He said that this was the same group of people and they just recycled the same interviews. Jason said he read that the documentary was horrible in a review.
Howard said he was so angry at Fred. He said there had to be some music coming up and here was nothing. Howard said in a music documentary they usually have music. He said he saw a Rolling stones documentary that had great music in it. Robin said they have 8 Days a Week and they have music in that. Howard said that's the usual thing.
Jason said the review says they try to play fake Bowie music in that documentary to trick you. Howard said the one good moment in that was when Rick Wakeman was playing some music on the piano. Jason read more of the review and Howard said don't watch it. Fred was still recommending it. Howard said he doesn't care how much Bowie paid for rent. He said that's the kind of things they were talking about.
Howard said Angie Bowie was in it. Fred said he could do without her. Howard said she was talking about how ''we'' did this and that. He said she's taking credit. Fred said that's what he didn't like.
Howard said they have the guys in there with the panel of bits. Howard said this week they're doing a big Christmas special. He said scheduled to appear is Beetlejuice. He said Ashton Kutcher is scheduled. Howard said Ronnie the Limo Driver, JD, Scott Salem, Joe Buck, Brent Hatley, Insane Clown Posse, Sal, Richard, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and more will be part of it. Howard said it's going to be so good. Howard played some of Robin's new Christmas song album. They had Robin singing a few Christmas songs.
Howard said Evil Dave will be part of this. He had a clip of Dave singing a song about being mistaken for Santa Claus. Howard said nice job on that.
Howard said Sarah Silverman, Benjy, Perez Hilton, Michael Rapaport, High Pitch Erik and more will be part of this too. Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn will be singing. Howard played a clip of her singing.
Howard said there's all kinds of fun. He said Gary loves artificial crab meat and there's a song parody about that by James Cargill. Howard played some of that. Howard said Gary loves talking about it too.
Robin said she was watching a movie called Dark Tourist this weekend. JD laughed at that for some reason. Howard asked what's up with him. JD said he imagines her watching sophisticated movies and now she's talking about this. Howard asked where this movie gets shown. Robin said on Netflix. She said it made her think of Brent. She said he goes off on vacation looking for serial killers. Robin said that's what this movie is like.
Howard said they were doing commercials for this ''Novitiate'' movie and it was like the best thing ever. Howard said they were doing the commercial for a while and he didn't think it would be good but it was a great movie. Howard said Beth liked it too. He said he can't imagine anyone saw it though. Brent asked if they show nuns having sex and stuff. Howard said they did deal with that. He said they deal with masturbation too. He said they deal with it all. Howard said someone made this movie and it probably took years. He said no one is going to see it. Jason said it has made $415,000. Howard said they don't make movies like this anymore. Robin said they didn't put it out. Howard said they can't. He said no one is going to show that.
Brent asked what made him watch this movie. Howard said he was going to bed and he put a fortune into this TV system he has in his house. He said it's just for television. He said everything is connected. He said he has TiVos, satellite and more. He said he's got this rig but it's a fucking nightmare. Ronnie said he has too much shit. Howard said he wanted to throw it out the window but he lives in a high rise.
Howard said Ronnie is right. He said last night he laid down to watch TV. He said he and Beth watch ''This is Us.'' He said he shouldn't like it but they get him crying every time. Howard said he likes the show. He doesn't want to like it but he does. Howard said it was emotional.
Howard said he was in bed watching TV and his TiVo channels were both cutting out. He did an impression of it playing and cutting out. He said he figured there was something wrong with the TV. He said he went to investigate. He figured it was a wire in the back of the TV. He said his wife gets in bed and she usually just wants to sleep. He said she wanted to watch TV this time. Howard said he was upset because his staff is supposed to check this stuff every day. Howard said he was sitting there getting steamed. He said he was pushing in the wires and then he goes to the Satellite and that's fine. He said it had to do with the TiVo 1 and 2. He said he's not sure what was going on.
Howard took a call from his TiVo. The guys were doing an impression of the TiVo cutting out. Jason asked why he has 2 TiVos. Howard said he and Beth have their own TiVo so that's why he has 1 and 2. He said he just wants this stuff to work. He said he got this guy to install this stuff and they didn't get it right. He said it's like torture. Ronnie said Howard has always had problems. Howard said he went to watch his big screen TV and it didn't work. He said they always have an excuse for why it doesn't work. Howard said Gary has like 7 TiVos. Gary said he has 5 and there's stuff on every one.
Howard said he came up with an idea to look for something to watch. He said there was nothing on TV. He told Beth he had this Plex thing where he has this movie. He said he had put ''Novitiate'' on there. He said he told Beth they were going to watch that. He said it was a movie about nuns so he didn't think he'd like it. He said he was desperate for something. He said he put on the movie and they're watching it and from the moment it starts they're into it. He said thank God for that. He said he would have blown a stack if that didn't work. He said he has pumped endless money into this thing.
Howard said they'll be fixing this thing today but then it'll stop working again. Gary asked if they have explanations for this stuff. Howard said they do. He did an impression of someone telling him what's wrong. Howard said he has to cross his fingers that this thing will work. He said he had people over one time and he wasn't able to watch the TV.
Robin said she has to find out about Plex. Howard told her not to bother with it. Howard said just knock on wood that her TiVo works. He said he's going to hire Stephen Hawking to run his stuff. He said they say this guy is a genius. Howard said he has to turn to the panel after a break. He said they have a lot going on. Howard asked Gary to clear his throat because Fred was playing clips of him doing that. They played a bunch and then Howard said when they get back they'll turn to the guys. Howard said Gary's 10th time is the charm. He said it's all of that imitation crab meat. He said he hit Ronnie in the face with that. Sal said Ronnie's face smells like an old pussy. Ronnie mentioned that Sal's wife was doing the shoveling this weekend. Sal said she was doing her thing. Sal said he can do it but she grabbed the shovel first.
Robin brought up the Dark Passenger thing again. Sal said he thought they were past that shit. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said the reason the guys are in there is because they have a lot of stuff to go through. Howard said he was listening to music over the weekend and they have this new song they put out not too long ago. He said the new music is being ignored. Howard said this song ''The Sky is a Neighborhood'' is such a good song. He said he asked Jason if that sold any records. He said it was released in August of this year and it has 20 million listens on Spotify. He said no one even knows about it. Gary said they're on Saturday Night Live next week and they're still selling the album. Jason said the song hasn't hit the Billboard charts yet. Howard said he just said ''Bill Bard.'' Jason said it again and did it again. Jason said he has to think about it when he says it. Howard said Ronnie laughs at him when he says that.
Howard said he thinks the Foo Fighters have a song that should be a major hit. He said it's not a hit. He asked Fred to find the song and play it. Howard had to find it himself. He said he listens to this in his house all the time. He said he's not sure if anyone else is listening. He let the song play a short time and said this is a great song. Fred played Robin singing over it. Howard said Robin is getting carried away. He had Fred play some of Gary's throat clearing clips over it too.
Robin said she likes it. Ronnie said she wasn't even listening. He said she's not paying attention. Howard said she's busted. Robin said she can do other things when she's listening. Robin said she failed to say something about Ronnie and how his limo never works for Howard. Howard said she's right about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks this song is something they sold out on. Howard asked why he thinks that. The caller said it's that pop thing where they highlight the chorus and it sounds like every pop song out there. Howard said he disagrees. Gary said he does too. JD said there's a better song than this one on the new album. He said it's harder. Howard said he's not sure how this is a sell out. The caller said it's just a song to sell albums. Howard said everyone is such a yenta.
The caller said when the song first came out he thought it was sort of a Doors like sound. Fred said he's trying to get on his side here but it doesn't sound like pop.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he is a huge Foo Fighters fan but this album is sub par to him. JD told Howard about the song ''Run'' since that's the song he was talking about earlier. Fred found that one and Howard had him play it. Howard said it was a bad choice at first but then it started to pick up tempo. Howard said maybe he's right. He let it play a little longer. Howard asked if this is where it kicks in. Howard said it is pretty good now. Howard told JD to stick to spoons. He said it sounds alright but he'd have to listen to it. Howard said that was JD's cardio for the day. He was waving his arm.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult is on the phone. He asked if Gary is on the phone too. He said he had an idea for them. He asked if anyone knows. Will said he didn't know anything about it. Jason said he spoke to his handler this morning and he was supposed to call in.
Howard said Wendy is hitting him up for money and so is Gary the Conqueror. Howard said he was going to get both of them on the phone and have them debate who should get the money. Howard said he was going to pick one of the two. Howard said if Gary says he's helping orphans in Africa then maybe he'll get the money.
Howard said they're getting Gary on the air now. He got Wendy on and then had Gary on. Howard asked if they have a sponsor for this. Jason said it's Howard Stern. Howard said they're going to have a debate on the air. He said whoever has the best argument for why they should get the money will win the money.
Howard asked Gary what his reasoning is. Gary said ''For a computer.'' Howard asked why. Gary said he knows how to type in the rooms. Robin asked what rooms he's in. Baba Booey asked how much time is going to be spent in porn rooms. Gary the Conqueror said it's not for porn. He said that the rooms he goes into are something talk. He sounded like bowel talk. Howard asked if he can see people or do you type. Gary said you see them on cam and talk to them. He said they are naked when Howard asked about that. Howard said that is a porn site. Gary said it's a regular chat room. Howard said if the girls are naked it's porn. Gary said no. He said most of the time they are. Howard asked if he jerks off there. Gary said he just talks to them. Robin said he's missing the point. Howard said he is retarded.
Howard asked if he rubs his penis. Gary said no. He said he doesn't even get a boner. Baba Booey asked why he's there. He had phlegm in his throat so the guys were goofing on him about that.
Howard asked Gary if he ever masturbates to the girls in the chat. Gary said he never masturbates. Sal said that's a lie. He said he sued to share a room with Gary and he knew that he was masturbating in the bed next to him. He said that they hired a guy to handle him and he told them that Gary is always masturbating in bed.
Howard said according to Sal he jerks off like a maniac. Gary said no he doesn't. Howard said they're going to move on. Wendy let out a big cough. Howard said this is his slow adult nightmare.
Howard asked Wendy what she needs the money for. Wendy said he wants to get her nephews and nieces the best Christmas ever. Robin said this isn't fair. She said Wendy is a professional beggar. Howard said they have to hear the debate. Robin said Wendy is lying. Wendy said she is not. She said she's going to buy remote control cars, a car that her niece can ride in. Howard asked if she's going to buy Lotto tickets with the money. Wendy said she doesn't do that anymore. She said they can ask her mom. She said her mom told her it was a waste of money. Wendy said she took her mom's advice to stop. Howard said Robin asked how old the kids are. Wendy said 7, 8, 2. She said that the kids asked her for this stuff. Howard said she could make them something out of her doody or something. Wendy said she wanted to get them something special. Howard said the family could do that for them. Howard said Wendy could give them anything and they'd accept it.
Howard asked Wendy a bunch of questions about going to sit on Santa's lap and getting him aroused. Wendy was answering ''yes'' to everything he asked.
Howard said Wendy says she needs money for gifts and Gary needs it to watch girls naked on the internet. Howard said he finds Gary's answer very honest. Baba Booey said he thinks that Wendy has something else planned for this money. Wendy said she does not. Wendy said her mom goes with her when she goes shopping.
Howard asked Gary why he deserves it more than Wendy. Gary said something about what he needs the money for. Howard said that was a good argument. Gary said you can get a computer for like 200 bucks. Robin asked what happened to his old one. Gary said it's a piece of shit.
Howard asked Wendy why she deserves it more. Wendy said she needs the money for the kids and she can't get out and get her shit done. She said she has no extra spending money. Howard said Gary has to get on these sites. Wendy said she's sure he can work something out. She said he has plenty of girls he talks to.
Howard said it's time to make a decision. Howard said he's just going to give them both $250. Sal said give them 25 and says it's 250. Howard said for the holidays he's giving each of them $250. Wendy said that's fine. She said she was hoping for $711. Gary thanked Howard for the 250. Wendy eventually did too.
Howard said Gary was thankful at least. Wendy said she misses Gary. Gary said he misses her too. Howard said he was hoping for more fighting. Wendy let out a nasty sounding cough. She said she was trying to get gook out of her mouth. Howard asked how a gook got down her throat. Howard said that's a slur from the Vietnam era. Wendy was still trying to clear her throat. Howard asked if Gary wants her to be his girlfriend when he hears that. Wendy started repeating ''Ivan Morra'' over and over. Howard asked what she's doing. Wendy said she doesn't even know what that is. Wendy said that's something Sal wanted her to say. Sal said he has no idea what she's talking about. He said it's possible that someone prank called her and told her to say that. Howard asked if Sal called her and said that. Wendy said he did. Baba Booey said maybe Ivan Morra told her to say that.
Howard said that's some violent throat clearing. Howard asked if she got the gook out. Wendy said it's coming out now. Howard said it's stuff coming out of her from all the bad food she eats. Howard asked what she had for dinner. Wendy said she had tacos and ice cream. Howard said she should knock off the dairy. Wendy said okay. Howard asked if she knows what dairy is. She said it's cheese and stuff. Robin said she doesn't know it's milk. Howard let Wendy go after that. Howard said maybe he should take a break. Fred said they need to. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard said he likes Nicole Wallace on MSNBC. He said he feels she's intelligent and has good points of view. He said she has a habit of saying ''sort of'' a lot. He said they say it's like vocal fry and it's sort of annoying. He said if he was her program manager or director he'd ask her to work on this. He said if she can rid herself of this she can be a better broadcaster.
Howard played a clip of Nicole Wallace saying ''sort of'' a lot. Howard said he watches her every day and it's a lot. Howard said there are a lot of people on MSNBC that do the same thing. Howard said there isn't anyone over there doing anything to help them out. He said back in the day they'd be told to knock it off with the ''sort of'' on the air.
Howard said he sent an air check to his dad to listen to and he writing him a scathing letter. Howard said his dad told him to stop with the ''Um'' and he gave it to him good. Howard said it's the same with ''sort of.'' Howard said if his dad heard JD on the air he'd be asking how he can be a professional broadcaster.
Howard played more of Nicole Wallace saying ''sort of'' a lot. He had one clip where she said ''sort of'' four times in 30 seconds. Howard said that's a lot. He said this is a ''sort of'' montage. He played a clip of her saying ''sort of'' a bunch of times.
Howard said he doesn't want notes and letters from fans saying that he does stuff like that. Ronnie said Stephanie says ''stuff like that'' a lot. He said she'll do that 20 times in one story. He said she doesn't even know she's doing it. Howard said Nicole may not even know it. Howard said he's working on his own thing. He said he knows if he does something on the air he'll work on it.
Howard said don't take this personally. He said if he could get in touch with her personally he'd tell her this. He said he can't get in touch so he's doing it on the air. Howard said she's a 6 and he's making her a 10. Sal said she also said ''um'' 11 times. Howard said lets work on one thing at a time.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they're criticizing this anchor but Howard says ''like'' every other word. Howard said he knows but he's trying to work on it. He said he's trying to be funny and conversational and he will use the word ''like'' as a crutch. Howard said he doesn't have a great command of the language. He said these people like Nicole are bright people. He said they don't need crutches but he does. The caller said he just wanted to say something about that but he thinks he's great. Howard said he's trying to help Nicole because he watches her every day. Robin said he's saying leave the crutches to him. Howard said he needs that to be funny. He said whatever he's doing is proper.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she agrees with the ''sort of'' because it means you don't believe what you're saying. Howard said you can pause. The caller said they don't believe what they're saying. Howard said you have to talk so fast on these shows that you don't have time to think. Brent said the other people jump in and you can't talk.
Howard took a call from a woman who said this is a female thing. She said it's like vocal fry. She said she says ''I mean'' at the start of a sentence. Howard said he sees a guy on MSNBC who looks really young. Brent said it might be Chris Hayes. Howard said that's it. Howard said he doesn't have beef with Nicole. He said he's just trying to make her better.
Brent said something about breaking the rules with this show. Howard said he's right. Howard said he's excused from this conversation. He said he has to be funny and he can't worry about grammar. He said if he has to worry about that then he's in big trouble.
The caller said he doesn't like Benjy. Howard said he'll read some email about that. Howard said someone wrote in about how they like Benjy when he talks about his personal life. Howard said he was getting shticky on the air with that. Howard said he used to be great coming on the air and talking about dating on those apps. Howard said he doesn't have to do that because he's entitled to his personal life. Robin laughed. Howard said she can't believe that Benjy was having so much sex. Robin said it was crazy that women weren't rejecting him on sight. Howard said they were inviting him in to have sex.
Howard said Benjy said to him one day he wasn't comfortable talking about it so he stopped it. Gary said Benjy's mother got a hold of him. He said he got embarrassed in front of her. He said Benjy used to go to Korean delis and he'd help sweep up and they'd have sex with him because he helped. Howard said he had wild sex stories. He said Memet used to have great stories too. Howard said he'd have a nervous breakdown on the air talking about that. Howard said now no one can find him there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's always using the term ''in the sense that'' when he does celebrity interviews. Howard said he knows that. He said Nicole can keep using ''sort of'' if she wants but he's pointing it out as a viewer who enjoys her program that this could help her out. Howard said she's not the only one doing it either. Howard said Brent said that he is doing comedy there so he can break the rules. Howard said he knows he says things improperly. He said his father did help with the Ums and Ahs. He said it slips in occasionally.
Gary asked if he was bummed out when he got the notes about his air check. Howard said he was. He said it was a 4 page letter. He said his father has perfect handwriting and you know it's him when he writes. He said his note said something about how no one talks like that on the air. Howard said he had a clown comparison. He said that he trains as an acrobat and then he goes on to learn to be a clown. Howard said his dad told him he had to do serious announcing and then he could go be funny.
Howard said his father was right. He said he did straighten him out. He said now he's giving that same gift to Nicole Wallace. Howard did an impression of his dad going off on him. He said he wishes he had saved that note from his dad. He said he'd read it every morning.
Howard took a call from a woman whose phone made it sound like she was in a storm. Fred played some thunder audio. The caller said that Robin uses the term ''meanwhile'' in the news a lot. Robin said she wasn't aware of that. Howard said he didn't notice that either. Howard said they all have a thing they need to work on. Howard said he believes that Nicole is better than he is and she can stop with the ''sort of'' thing. He said she can get rid of it.
Howard said there are plenty of people at MSNBC doing the same thing. Robin said he pointed her out. Howard said he's taking her under his wing. He said he's still trying to help Gary. He said he fought him every step of the way.
Gary said all of the Wack Pack turned on him last week. He said he was saying he's the best one and now he has no friends left in the Wack Pack. JD said he said that he's bigger than the Wack Pack. Howard picked up on Jeff who said he is bigger than most of the people in the Wack Pack. He said they're a bunch of idiots. He said he's not a retard and he's not an idiot. Gary asked what his IQ is. Jeff said it's higher than the retards. Gary said it was like a 86. Jeff said it was an 89.
Shuli came in and said that he said that he's the better functioning of the Wack Pack. Shuli said he saw Jeff wasn't on Periscope for a couple of days. He said Jeff cursed him out at first. He said then they went down the laundry list of things he's done that he thinks were more embarrassing than that stuff. Howard said that whole rap about him being embarrassed was bullshit. Howard said there are guys who have sex with him online as women. He said that's the truth and it can happen to anyone. Howard said he can't be embarrassed buy that. Jeff said that him saying that he did this to help him out was bullshit. Howard asked why he's calling in then. Jeff said Shuli told him to. Shuli said he did not. He said Jeff told him he was going to call in on Monday.
Howard said Jeff has it made. He said he has people buying him stuff and following him because of this show. Shuli said that Jeff's toilet broke and his fans helped him out with that. Howard said if he stops talking about him then they're going to go away. Jeff said he never wanted to leave the show. He said it was like Howard punched him in the gut. Howard said bullshit. He said he has guys cat fishing him and he doesn't want to know it. Jeff said he didn't have to do it on the air. Shuli said they have done it over the years many times.
Ronnie said the bottom line is that this guy was jerking off with his cock out for guys. Gary said he's right. He said he doesn't want to see his dick. Shuli said he was proud of that clip of him cumming. Howard said everything he does is on the air. He said that he called him once to check on him but that's like feeding a pigeon. Howard said he wanted to make sure Jeff was fine once. He said that it was him. Jeff said he thought it was Sal. He said he thought it was him fucking with him again.
Howard said here's the tip. No woman wants to see his dick. Jeff asked if Shuli told him about the chick from France. Howard said he gives up on Jeff. He said he has Alec Baldwin there. Jeff said sure, go ahead. Jeff said as soon as he's making a point hie has to go. Robin said so one of the people is a real woman. Shuli said that he said that on the air last week. Jeff said he has to show it. Howard spent another minute with Jeff but said he has to get out of this. He let Jeff go a short time later and did a live commercial read before going to break.
Howard came back and said he has Alec Baldwin there. He said he's the busiest man in show business. He said he's busy making babies at a feverish rate. He said he's skinny too. Howard said he lost a lot of weight. Alec said he's wasting away. Howard said he was watching Glengarry Glen Ross and that scene he's in is so funny. He said that Jerry Seinfeld thinks its the funniest scene in a movie. Howard said he's like an Adonis now. Howard said he got thin. Alec said he loves the picture of Howard covering his face with his hair. He said he looks so sexy. He asked who wouldn't want to jump on that. Howard said that's his press photo and he wont' get a new one taken.
Howard said Mark Selliger took the photos for the book and they're so good. Howard said they're pictures of Alec as Trump. Alec said he was at a lunch with some book people and he joked that he was going to write a parody memoir of Trump's first 100 days and they all laughed. He said he had to jump on that. He said he doesn't have the time to write that book so he found Kurt Andersen who is one of the founders of Spy magazine. He said he has a book out himself. He said he has a podcast too and he admires Kurt so much. He said he wanted to write the book with him. He said he had it done in 3 months.
Alec said Kurt goes to another level in the book. He said that Trump is going nuts in the whole book. He did his Trump impression talking about that. Howard said at this point he gets what he's doing for Saturday Night Live. He said he watched Saturday Night Live this week and tuned in to see if he was going to be on. He said he didn't see Alec on so he turned it off. Howard said what he's bringing to them is that everyone wants to see Alec Baldwin. Howard asked if he's doing this gratis. Alec said a lot of it is about friendship. He said he said no to them at first. He said then a movie fell apart and he had time to do it. Howard said he also didn't think he could do it. Alec said he thought he'd do it for 3 episodes and he'd be gone. He said now it's about friendship. He said Steve Higgins and the writers from when he's been going there are his buddies. He said he wants to have fun. He said he doesn't want to play Trump. Alec said they say they have a sketch on Tuesday and then they have more on Thursday. He said it changes right up to the end. He said he goes to rehearsal on Friday. Howard said he has some schedule going on.
Howard asked about all of the kids he has now. Howard said he has an older daughter and she's around a lot. Robin said for a long time it was just one kid. Alec said now it's like Jiffy Pop. Howard said he has 3 young kids and another one coming. Alec said there will be 4. Howard asked if he's really involved with the kids. Alec said he is but not as much as his wife. He said he doesn't joke about it much. He said he'd like to do Pat Sajak's life. He said he's going to be 60 in April and he's getting another baby for his birthday.
Howard said Alec says he did the book because he wanted the money. Howard said there was a mad dash to make the money by 60. He said he needs money to retire. Alec said he had a retirement plan but then he met his wife. Howard said they just renewed Match Game. Alec said they did. Howard said he's got a very busy schedule. Alec said he delivers bread too. Howard said he's also doing movies. He said he's doing Mission Impossible. Alec said he's going to London in January to do that.
Alec said the book is ''You Can't Spell America Without Me: The Really Tremendous Inside Story of My Fantastic First Year as President Donald J. Trump (A So-Called Parody)'' and it's great. Howard said he likes the photos in the book and Mark did a great job with those. Alec said Kurt did such a great job with it. He said it's funny but smart. He said so many things he wrote back in March are things that Trump has done. He said he's like a psychic.
Howard said there are a bunch of things in the book that are great. Alec did his impression of Trump and recited some lines from the book.
Howard asked if he has run into Trump at all since he started doing the impression. Alec said no. He said it's unlikely that he'll run into him. He said he's not hiding from him but he ran into him a handful of times over the years. Howard asked if he thinks Trump would come up to him and say something about the impression. Alec said if he's not impeached he doesn't think he'll live in New York. He said he thinks he'll live in Mar-A-Lago. He said he may have to build a wall around that.
Howard said he didn't imagine the commitment he was going to have with the kids. Alec said they had the first baby and they thought about having another because it was so great. He said it was just one more after one more. Howard asked if he uses birth control. Alec said he does. He said they were signed on to having a baby at a certain time. He said that his wife wants to breast feed for a year and they are more cautious at times. Howard said his wife is very beautiful. Alec said that's part of the problem. He said she's such a good person and such a good mom. He said the kids wake up every day. He said they have help with the kids. Howard said they must be constantly being observed. Alec said that he's never alone in the house. He said they have the kids and the help.
Howard said Alec is a very busy guy and he can afford help. He said he must have an army of people. Alec said there is a core group of people and the big thing is that his wife said she didn't want women in the house helping. He said he looked at her and said they're going to have fresh nannies in there all the time. Alec said he's obsessed with the kids. He said they have cut back on things they were doing. He said he has to be with them.
Howard asked if Alec is the fun dad or is he the disciplinarian. Alec said his wife is funny, beautiful and smoking hot. He said she's a great person too. Alec said she's wonderful and when he's with his kids and when he walks in the room he's invisible.
Alec said he's capable of taking care of the kids. He said he grew up in a big family and he knows you give them some Pop-Tarts and turn on Mr. Magoo. He said that he met his wife and he told her that he's his girlfriend. He said she has to come with him. He said that they keep it alive like that.
Howard said this kid coming up has to be the last one. Alec said that if they have one more it would be like the six his dad had. Howard said he had issues with his dad. Alec said Howard has kids. Howard said he does but not with Beth. Alec said they have like 900 cats running around the house. Howard said they love that.
Howard asked about doing the game show host thing. Alec said he did Match Game and he loves doing that. He said it wasn't something he wanted to do but he thought about it and it wasn't all about income. Alec said that you can do things you want to if you spend your money the right way. He said you don't think about the money. He said it doesn't matter. Alec said he wrote about these things in his book. He said that most movies don't work. He said they put a lot of work into them and they don't work. Howard asked if he has ever done a movie he knew was going to turn out bad and if he went to support it. Alec said he hasn't seen most movies he's been in. He said that you go to the movies to be entertained and he's not entertained by himself. He said he has seen some episodes of 30 Rock that he liked. Howard said he could watch it and see if he did something wrong. Alec said he knows what he did. He said he was in and out of there in 3 minutes in Glengarry Glen Ross. He said that is one of the most beautifully photographed dramas he's seen.
Howard asked Alec about Kevin Spacey since he was in that movie. Howard said a guy like Spacey will never work again. Alec said it remains to be seen. He said that he may never get back to where he was but he may work. He said Kevin has done other things too. He said he may end up running a theater company or something in another country. He said it's hard to say what will happen.
Howard said when you read this stuff and know someone, do you call him? Alec said he sent a message through other people through the agency they both use. He said where someone is predatory you have to be careful with what you say. He said when you get into this Weinstein thing it's horrible stuff. He said he doesn't know what number you assign what Kevin did. He said he's not qualified to say. He said he hates to see people destroy their own lives at their own hand. Alec said they did it to themselves. He said they weren't framed or it wasn't a car accident. He said they destroyed their lives at their own hand. He said now their name is associated with X and it's a heart break.
Robin said Alec worked with Woody Allen. Alec said the condemnation of Woody is ceaseless. He said he only knows that he was examined by two states and they did not charge him with anything. He said he only knows that fact. He said neither of the child services charged him. He said they had some harsh words for him but that's it. He said he doesn't know what happened there. He said until someone is proven guilty of something... He said he only has the information from the two agencies about Woody Allen. He said the complaints are very serious and he probably wouldn't work with someone who is charged with something so bad. He said working with Woody Allen is a dream. He said he did the movie in 1991 and Woody didn't talk to him the whole time. He said even if he's not talking to him and only coughs in his direction that was enough for him. He said he said that he worships Woody as a writer. He said he's one of the greatest comic writers in history. He said he got friendly with Woody when he did Blue Jasmine. He said that he doesn't admire anyone more than Woody. He said all of the other stuff he doesn't know the facts. He said if you tailor your career around accusations it can get a little sticky.
Howard said Alec saw John Oliver going off on Dustin Hoffman. Alec said he said he thought he sandbagged Hoffman. He said he wasn't here so he's not sure what happened exactly. He said John took him on over this sexual assault thing. He said he made a comment on Twitter about that and he pointed out that they're like grand juries. He said what Hoffman did or didn't do he doesn't know. He said he's very uncomfortable making determinations on people until they have some facts. He said Franken is someone Howard asked about. He said that he has read this and they say that with Franken they can't go on with their campaign against Trump or Moore for their sexual misconducts and defend Franken. They had to cut his throat and let him loose. Howard said Roy Moore's accusations are really out there. He said if they're true it's really out there. Alec said that Shelby is a gentleman and he's come out and said don't vote for Moore. He said if they do vote for him there is some Kool-Aid they're drinking.
Alec said that when Franken got into the senate he thought they were going to bring up the comedy he did. Howard said they did that. Alec said that didn't bother him. He said he gets a pass for that as a paid comic. Alec said the important thing is that if you look at Weinstein there is a tsunami if evidence. He said there is so much there. Howard said what he did showing his penis is so wrong. Howard said he doesn't even show his wife his penis. He said he keeps that thing hidden from her.
Alec said he doesn't get the rape thing. He said if a woman begs you not to do something that you end up doing it it's wrong. He said we need to have an equal rights amendment. He said that women today are fine on their own. He said back when he was growing up women had to get married. He said now you do whatever you want to do. He said if you want to get married you get married. If you don't then you don't. He said you can do whatever you want and now women need equal pay.
Robin said she was having a conversation with the woman who hired her to work with Howard. She said it was a bunch of guys talking to each other on radio and then they had her team up with Robin. Robin said it's been 38 years now.
Howard said he was reading about Dustin Hoffman and working on a play at the time. Howard said this woman claims that he would grab her ass or vagina and she turned to him at one point and said imagine if she broke up his concentration as he was about to walk on stage. He stopped for 3 days and then started up. Alec said he doesn't know what really happened there. He said that women are fighting that battle now and they're coming forward with their stories. He said he's worried that they won't get a conviction with Weinstein. He said if he's the big 10 and he's not put away for a long time then it's not going to go well. Howard said he was shocked that Cosby got off the way he did. Alec said that anyone who has done this stuff should be punished for what they did. He said he wondered if he had every done anything like this. He said he's so glad he didn't sleep with his assistants. He said he wrote them and told them that.
Howard said he remembers Alec telling a story about having some guy have him sit on his face. Alec said that was Ted Harbert who told him he waned him to sit on his face. He said he passed on that. He said to each his own. He said all joking aside there is a pattern of behavior out there and he wants the victims to have justice.
Howard said Alec is back on Twitter and he thinks it's a dangerous game. Alec said Twitter to him is a news feed. He said he has made the mistake of talking to his audience. He said everything else is the news. Howard said he likes getting the news that way too. Alec said he never watches TV. He said he's never watched John Oliver or Trevor Noah. He said he never has time to watch TV. He said he might get an hour of an NFL game while his kids are sleeping.
Howard said he heard he's planning a talk show. Alec said they're doing a pilot package this week. He said they're going to shoot 4 shows this week. He said he's going to ABC with this. Howard asked if this would be a test show. Alec said they shoot 4 shows and if they like it they'll do a pick up of 13. He said they're not sure when it will air. He said it's just him sitting in a chair talking to you. He said there is no audience. He said Howard is going to come on. Howard asked who his first guest is. Alec said he has a superstar guest but he can't say who it is. Howard said Harvey Weinstein. Alec said he's doing it in the nude.
Howard said he read that Alec keeps a folder of his favorite pieces of writing. He asked where it is. Alec said it's in his bag. He said he has a bag of documents he likes to save. He said if he feels like he wants to get the quote right he'll pull it out and read it. He said he has Eisenhower quotes and stuff like that in there. He said he did not want the job but they demanded that he take it. He said it's great writing that Eisenhower did.
Howard asked if there's some other thing in the works with the Trump character. Alec said that the book may be made into a Broadway show. Howard said that it would be the book ''You Can't Spell America Without Me: The Really Tremendous Inside Story of My Fantastic First Year as President Donald J. Trump (A So-Called Parody).''
Howard asked if it was great to win an Emmy for playing Trump. Alec said it was great to be there for the cast of Saturday Night Live when they were the winners. He said that it's great to work on that show. Howard asked if Lorne Michaels would produce the show on Broadway. Alec said he would. He said this whole book was up to Lorne. He said Lorne opens his rendering of the character he does on Saturday Night Live. He said that he just shows up and Lorne's people do the writing and stuff like that.
Howard asked if Lorne will accept if he says no to playing the part on the show. Alec said he does. He said he may have to take time off to go out to the Island with the family.
Howard asked if it was a good move or a bad move to get remarried. Howard said he has seen people break up after doing that. He said he asked his wife if he wanted to do that. Alec asked why he go married when he did. Howard said people were treating her like she was the bim of the month. He said that he wanted to say to her that they're family and they mean something to each other. Howard said she knew that but he wanted to make an announcement to their friends that she's important to him and he wants people to treat her like that. Alec said that Tony Bennett is one guy and Howard is another who have the success they've had at the level they have and they're as happy as they are. Howard said he's happy with his wife but he's not happy. Howard asked if Alec is happy because he suffers from something. Alec said maybe they wish they didn't care as much as they do. He said where he lives in the village they smell pot all the time. He said it's like everyone comes to his block to smoke pot. He said he thinks to himself that he could get toasted and go out in the world and not care. He said he can't do that. He cares for the world too much to do that.
Alec said he did coke for 2 years and he was miserable. Howard said he never did coke. He said he doesn't think he could afford it. Alec said you can see a great sunset and then you want to have a glass of wine and smoke some pot.
Howard asked Alec about the remarriage thing. Alec said they were married for 5 years and they wanted to do it in front of the kids. He said that his daughter wanted to do tap during the wedding. He said she did that for about 10 seconds. Howard said he was there and saw that. He said she had good ability. Howard said he was going to say something to her about that since he was on America's Got Talent.
Howard said he has a lot of anxiety. Robin said he complains about everything. Howard said he and Robin were on the phone for an hour over the weekend. He said she started lecturing him about something. Robin said it was something political. Robin said when she was sick and going through treatment the best thing was when Howard would come to visit. Robin said he would fall onto the side of the door and say ''They're killing me.'' Robin said she was the one with cancer but they were killing Howard. Alec said his wife was having contractions in the car and he asked her to hold it down when he was on the phone. He said he did it as a joke but she smacked him over that.
Howard said Alec has gotten into the head of Trump and he must think he's miserable. Howard said he had a great life and he could go out and grab people by the pussy or whatever. Howard said now he thinks he's upset he's president. Alec said he thinks he had no idea what he was getting into. He said he thinks he was thinking it was like playing executive. He said as a human being he has feelings and he must be crushed and devastated the way he's been received. He said he's ruined the name of his family. He said he's ruined things for his family. He said he thinks he views himself as the victim though.
Alec said he has a podcast he does and he did John Dean the Watergate conspirator. He said that he's been talked about for years. He said they talk about the implications for Trump in that show. He said people saw that Nixon was bad for the country for him to remain in office. He said that's why they purged him. He said that this is what's going on now with Mueller and Trump. He said they have to impeach Trump if Mueller comes up with indictments for Trump. He said they have to follow through. He said when Agnew was indicted he said he was beyond that. He said that's not true. He said that the only way they can do this is with Impeachment. He said that if they hand the judiciary committee they have to do it. He said that they can only get better if they get rid of him once that happens.
Howard asked if he thinks people who voted for Trump just think they want to get rid of him because they want to plot and get rid of him. Alec said he thinks some will say what they want to say just to defend why they voted the way they did. He said he thinks that they see he's an idiot. He said rebuilding the republican party is important. He said they have to do the same with the democratic party.
Howard said they probably think that Hillary Clinton was an easy vote for Alec but it wasn't. Howard asked if he would have preferred Bernie Sanders. Alec said he doesn't think so. He said that a lot of people think Trump is going to have a cleansing effect. He said the people got wound up with the Hillary thing. He said a lot of people hate her. He said that's why they're where they are today.
Howard asked Alec who he thinks would run against Trump in 4 years if he lasts. Alec said that Phil Murphy is one. He said Biden is another. Alec said he'd run if he didn't have all of these young kids.
Howard gave Alec another plug for his book ''You Can't Spell America Without Me: The Really Tremendous Inside Story of My Fantastic First Year as President Donald J. Trump (A So-Called Parody)'' and talked to Alec about that a little more.
Howard said Gary told him he has to get his hip replaced. Alec said he does. He said he's got a congenital dysplasia and he does need to get it fixed.
Alec said he loves Howard. He said he loves doing the show. He said that he loves doing press with Howard. Howard said when he's on other shows he doesn't get time to do what he does here. Alec said that you do 6 minutes on talk shows and there's not a second to breathe. He said Jimmy Fallon is great and he knows what they have to do over there. He said that he prefers Howard's show because it's the best venue there is. He said this is the best show. He said it's his favorite show to do. He said they shoot the shit and Howard is great. He said he's funny and gracious. He said Howard is amazing.
Howard asked who hasn't been gracious to him. Alec said it's not even about that. He said there are so many things they could have talked about. Howard said he has to say he's his favorite Baldwin brother. Howard asked what his brother Stephen is up to. Alec mentioned what he's up to. He read from his book where fake Trump said something about Stephen being his favorite Baldwin.
Howard asked if politics can break up a family. Alec said his brother Stephen is the perfect Trump guy. He said he's uneducated and he's got time on his hands. Howard said Alec seems very educated. He said he doesn't have the Ahs and Ums in his speech. Alec said he works very hard at hiding that. Howard said he speaks and he has an intelligence. Howard asked what his IQ is. Alec said he's never do that. Howard asked if he's over 150. Alec said you tell me. Robin asked if he's in Mensa. Howard asked if he's a 159. Alec said good guess but he's not saying that's what it is. Howard said Jerry Seinfeld is a 163. He said he just made that up. Howard said Jeff the Drunk is an 89.
Alec asked what Howard is doing for Christmas. Howard said he's super Christian so he's going to have a big Christmas party. He said they have Christmas and they will have Christmas and maybe they'll go somewhere warm for a few days. Fred was playing some Christmas music and Alec asked to hear some Frank Sinatra song. He said he loves Mistletoe and Holly. Fred played that for him. Howard asked Alec to sing it with Sinatra. Alec did a little bit.
Howard asked what Alec is doing for the holidays. Alec said he's going to East Hampton to hang out with his 3 kids.
Alec asked if Howard likes Sinatra. Howard said he doesn't. He said he seemed like a real nasty guy to him. He said he likes the Beatles. He said he hated Elvis too. Alec said he loves Elvis. Howard asked if he's older than him. Alec said he's 60. Howard said he's younger than him. Howard asked what his favorite top songs are. Alec said he loves Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand and the Beatles. Howard said he loved when he did Tony Bennett on Saturday Night Live. Alec said they talked about doing that as a regular show. He said they'd do it weekly and have guests on and he'd play Tony. Howard said he'd watch that.
Howard asked Alec if he sits down and tells the guys at Saturday Night Live what characters he does. Alec said that he doesn't do a lot actually. He said he can do Tony Bennett. He said he can do Pacino too. He did some of that voice and his Trump voice too. Alec said it's the same shit all the time and it's not all that funny.
Howard said he was thinking about acting and he wonders if the secret to great acting is if you get a part and you go out and find someone to imitate or what. Alec said the first thing he does is think about the disposition of the character. He said he wonders if the guy is tender and things like that. Alec said he thinks about Duvall playing Boo Radley and he doesn't even have a line. He said that's one of the greatest performances in movie history. He said then you see Duvall doing something else and he's doing Apocalypse Now. He said he's able to dial that in.
Howard said he has to write a movie for Alec to do. Alec said he could sit here all day with Howard. He asked what Howard's gift is that kept him where he is. Howard said he has no clue. Alec asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said he understands human nature and he knows how to communicate to people to get that across.
Howard said his favorite Christmas song is this one. He played a clip of Robin singing ''White Christmas.'' Howard said listen to Robin sing. Everyone was laughing. Alec said he's blown away. He said they don't make Christmas songs like that anymore. Howard said he tried to listen to it without laughing over the weekend. He said he wasn't able to do it. Howard said this is Robin Quivers' Christmas album. Alec asked if it was released. Robin said no.
Howard said Alec has said it all. Alec said he did the audio book and read it as Trump. He said they have special guests reading it too. Howard said he can hear his voice reading it. He said he likes the concept of the book. Alec said he's the greatest. He asked Howard what the key is to his success. Howard said his father helped him so much. He said his father was a recording engineer and he worked with Symphony Sid. Howard wrapped up and gave Alec some more plugs for the book. Alec asked Howard where he's going on vacation. Howard said diet's just somewhere warm. Alec asked if he's a yacht guy. Howard said he hates yachts. Alec said he likes going out to East Hampton. He said he loves that area out there. He said it's depressing in February when it looks like an ashtray out there. He said he likes Anguilla. Howard said he likes to go to Florida. He said he has a house down there. Howard said he hates boats so he doesn't have one out there. Alec said that he has power boats but the only time it's nice out there is when you shut the engines off. He said he has gone out with Billy Joel on his boat.
Alec asked if he's ever gone to Europe. Howard said he's afraid to go. He went to Cannes once. He said he doesn't go over there. Howard said he sits and paints when he's on vacation. Howard said he stays in the compound when he goes away. He said he won't go out to see the poor people outside of the compound. Howard said when you grew up hearing Holocaust stories you don't go to Europe.
Howard said he does water color painting and Alec said he didn't know that. Howard said he showed him a painting in his house. Alec said he has to get him a book that John Maron did. He said he's a great water color painter. Howard said he has a picture of a painting he did of a cat staring out a window. He got his phone and tried to find the picture. He showed him a picture of the guy he played chess with. Howard found the painting picture and showed it to Alec who said it was very pretty. Howard said that's insulting. He said you never say it's pretty.
Alec said he and his daughter do water color rubbings. He said he might be able to sell them. Howard said he should knock out a couple hundred for charity. Howard said he won't sell his because he doesn't want to be judged. Alec said he could sell that for a pretty penny.
Howard tired wrapping up again with Alec. He asked what his IQ is again but Alec said he will write it down but he can't tell anyone what it is. Howard said he won't do that. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Robin started her news with a story about Greta Garbo and how she was lonely. Howard said she was a huge star and she went into seclusion. Robin said she moved to New York and never wanted to be photographed again. Robin said she went into seclusion and only said she wanted to be alone. Robin said now they say letters from her lifetime are coming into public note. Robin said they're being sold by Sotheby's. Robin said they don't say what they might go for but Sotheby's doesn't sell things for $100. Howard said what a crazy way to live. Robin said she was always complaining about the scripts and how things went horribly wrong on the set.
Howard said imagine there was a time when they didn't know how to get talk in film. He said that she was in talkies though. Howard asked what the tech could be in 1000 years from now. Howard said he wants to see what technology is like in 1000 years. Robin asked if his rotting head could see that. Robin said if they don't keep it frozen right it could just rot. Howard said she's right. He said it's like someone who doesn't know how to handle leftovers.
Robin said she has a Christmas album coming out. She said there are other people who have them coming out but they don't have this platform for promoting it. Howard played one of Robin's Christmas songs. Robin said that 98 Degrees got back together to do a Christmas album. Robin said that Christmas songs can be very lucrative if they get played year after year. Robin said that the last person to do that was Mariah Carey. Robin said her song gets played every year. Robin said this is 98 Degrees with their song ''Season Of Love.'' Howard played some of the song. Robin asked if they'll be hearing it next year. Howard said he doesn't even know who's in that band. Robin said she thinks Nick Lachey is in it. Howard said Scott Salem has his own Christmas album. Howard played some of the songs Scott sang about how fucked up the season is for him and things like that. Howard said Robin recorded a Mariah Carey Christmas song that he played. Robin had a song from a band named Echosmith. Howard said he doesn't know that band. Robin said they're trying to get their Christmas hit. Robin had a Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton Christmas song too. Robin said Sia has all original Christmas songs on her new album. Robin had Howard play some of her song ''Santa's Coming For Us.'' Robin had another one called ''Ho, ho, ho.'' Howard played that too and said she's got it. Robin said Lindsay Sterling is a violinist who is taking her stab at Christmas music. Robin had Howard play her playing ''Silent Night.'' Howard said he hates the violin. He said it's a tiny guitar and it's terrible. Robin had more Christmas songs for Howard to play. Howard said on the Christmas special they'll have more of Robin's music and ''Do You Hear What I Hear'' will premiere at the end of the show. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a bombing at the Port Authority. Robin said they are treating it as a terrorist attack. Robin said the suspect is from Bangladesh. Robin said he lives in Brooklyn and he is an ISIS sympathizer. Howard said he saw that he tried to blow himself up but the bomb fizzled and now he has a hole in his stomach. Robin said he's now miserable like everyone else. Robin said 4 people were injured including the suspect. Robin said he made the bomb himself.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said that Tarantino is talking about doing a Star Trek movie with J.J. Abrams. Howard said Ralph has so much Star Trek and Star Wars stuff in his apartment. Howard said he gives him stuff and he's not sure how he fits it all in there. Ralph said it's not that much. Gary said he's about to get a full size Stormtrooper. Ralph said that would be a dream come true. He said he'll move out a table if he gets that. Robin said she got the opportunity to visit Ralph and it didn't work out so she didn't get to go over there. Howard said he doesn't know anyone who has been there except one girl he dated. He said the girl was told to get out of there and her friends thought he was crazy. Ralph said it was pretty weird. He said he does the geeky stuff right as you walk in. Howard said Ralph had sex with her a few times until he brought her there. Ralph said she didn't even have a couch in her place. Ralph said his apartment is tastefully done. Howard said it has tons of toys in it. Ralph said it can look nice if he displays it nice.. He said Howard has a lot of stuff around. Howard said he has a lot of room, Ralph doesn't. Ralph said he only sticks with the nice stuff. Howard asked what he has that's nice. Ralph said that's tough. He said he has duplicates of helmets and masks that are a couple hundred dollars each. Howard said he's in his 50s. Ralph said it's artwork to him. Howard said they're toys. Howard said Ralph gave Jason advice on how to display toys. Howard asked Ralph what his best toy is. Ralph said that Stormtrooper helmet he got is cool. He said he has some other stuff too. Howard said he has to get out of this. He let Ralph go.
Robin read a story about the wild fires in California and how horrible it's been. Robin said there are people wearing masks and trying to stay safe. Robin said the governor said this is from climate change and it might be the new normal out there.
Robin said a video went viral of a guy saving a bunny from the fire. Robin said that two guys are saying they are the guy who did it. Howard said he called a friend out there who had to evacuate. Howard said the kids were staying in different houses. Howard said it's crazy out there. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Hannibal Buress who was arrested this weekend in Miami and they say he was inebriated and out of control. Howard asked if he was driving. Robin said no but he was arrested for trespassing. Robin said she's not sure where he was. Robin said they have audio and video of the arrest. Robin had Howard play some of that. Howard said he seems like a quiet and unassuming guy. In the clip Hannibal was asking what he was being detained for. The cops said it was for trespassing. Robin said we've all become lawyers because he was saying they had no probably cause. Howard said he never encounters the police but he has been pulled over. He said he just does what he's supposed to do. Howard said he moves on after that. Robin said they're trying to have their trial on the street. Howard said at least it's not a sex crime. Robin said that's right. Howard said he would bend over and pull down his pants for a cavity search if the cops came up to him.
Robin read a story about a WWE wrestler who got into a fight with his wife in the car and she's a wrestler too. Robin said they were coming home after a match and she stared to critique his performance. Robin said she jumped out of the car thinking he was going to get violent and then he jumped out and the car kept rolling. Robin said then some witnesses say they saw him put her in a headlock and dragged her back to the car. Howard said they both jumped out and then what. Robin said the car careened into something and they ended up driving off. Robin said they arrested him a few hours later for fighting with his wife. Robin said they say the WWE comes under fire for this stuff and they have a no tolerance policy for domestic violence so this Rich Swan has been suspended indefinitely.
Howard said he wants to leave but Ralph is back on the phone with his top 5 list of toys. He said he should just take the call and do it fast. Ralph said he can wait until tomorrow. Howard said he'll do it tomorrow then. Ralph said this is like choosing your favorite child. Howard said he'll talk to him tomorrow. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about celebrities standing behind a middle schooler who has been bullied. Robin said this Keaton Jones video was put out by his mom. The kid was talking about what the kids in school did to him. Howard said it sounds like a typical day in his life. Howard said no one reached out for him. Robin said that Justin Bieber, Cardi B, Snoop Dogg, Chris Evans, Millie Bobby Brown and others have come to his defense. Howard said that would be like Stevie Wonder coming to his defense. When Howard heard Millie Bobby Brown's name he went into his agent voice and talked about how he told her to get in on this immediately. He said she'll be the sweetheart of all time if she gets in on it. Robin said that he's been invited to the premiere of The Avengers next year. Robin said Snoop said they're friends for life. Robin said Eva Longoria wrote to Keaton as well. Robin had some audio of Justin Bieber's video to his fans about Keaton. Howard was still doing his agent voice talking about what he had Millie do. Robin said Hailey Steinfeld also sent him a message. Robin had the audio for Howard to play. She invited Keaton to the premiere of Pitch Perfect 3. Howard's agent voice was talking about what Millie is going to do to win over America. The Agent said that they're going to dwarf what everyone else has done. Robin said that her character took care of some bullies in Stranger Things. The Agent said that the Khaleesi is coming out against this kid. He said he's just kidding. The Agent said that if anyone out there has a kid who wears a football helmet and bangs his head against the wall, just contact him. He said they just found a tans kid with vitiligo. He said they're going to do something with that.
Robin read a story about Bryan Singer being accused of allegedly raping a 17 year old in 2003. Robin read the details about that. Robin said it's another Hollywood heavy weight being under fire. Robin said he was fired from the movie Bohemian Rhapsody recently. Robin said there's a university where they were honoring him and now they're doing something about that temporarily.
Robin said tomorrow is the big election in Alabama. Howard said they call that the crazy election. Robin said even some members of the GOP are confused by it. Robin said at first the GOP pulled support for Moore but now they're supporting him again. Robin had some audio of a congresswoman talking about Roy Moore and how if he wins he's going to be closely looked at the by Ethics Committee. Robin had some other clips of people commenting on that. Howard had fake Roy Moore on the phone talking about what's going on with him. Robin had some audio of Donald Trump campaigning for Roy Moore in a phone message.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump slurring his words during a speech he made last week. Robin had some audio of Trump's slurred speech. Fred played Ronnie laughing when he said ''Unishe Shtates.'' Robin said something dental may have come loose in his mouth. Howard did an impression of it like he was Elvis. He said it sounds kind of like Robin's Liza impression.
Robin read a story about Matt Lauer and how he'll be on the cover of In Touch magazine this week. Robin said they're going to go into his allegations. Robin said the headline is ''Husband from Hell.'' Robin said she wonders if he was worse than Harvey Weinstein. Robin said they say there are lots of allegations going around. Robin said Matt isn't the worst husband in the world if you put them all on a scale. Howard said Fred has to be in there too. He said he's very non communicative. Robin said there were rumors that he fathered children with two coworkers but they say that's false.
Robin rad a story about Meghan Markle joining the royal family and they say she'll have to take lessons on how to sit. Robin said there is a royal way to sit. Robin said she'll have to learned to curtsy to the Royal family too. Robin said she has to do a bunch of things in order to marry prince Harry.
Robin said that Trump announced that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel and that caused people to react around the world. Robin said they wonder if this is good or bad for the peace process. Robin said the world says it's bad but the President says it's bad. Howard said he'll get into that tomorrow. He said he's burnt out.
Robin read a story about Bernie Sanders saying he's waiting to see what comes out of the Robert Mueller investigation before he decides on impeachment. Robin had some audio of Bernie talking about that.
Robin read a story about Saudi Arabia ending the band on movie theaters. Howard said way to go. He said he can't imagine living there under those rules.
Robin said Chris Brown is getting heat for buying his daughter a monkey. Howard said that's just cruel to have a monkey. Robin said they're fine when they're little but they need other things when they grow up. Robin said they found a gator there on Long Island. Howard said these people are fucking idiots. Howard said dog, cat, guinea pig are fine.
Robin read a story about a person who had a bug problem and they set off 8 or 9 bug bombs and didn't turn off the pilot light in the furnace and it blew out the windows in the apartment. Robin said a cat was killed in the blast. Robin said the cat got blow out of the apartment. Howard said that's the scariest part of living in an apartment. He said the neighbors can be morons.
Robin read a story about a woman in Cincinnati who tired to kill bed bugs with alcohol and it caught fire. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started the show talking about how Kendrick Lamar is coming in this morning. He said that Fred should have had an announce. He said he's ready to go home. He said he had at least one announce about him coming in. He said that he's known as the greatest rapper. He said he may be better than Tupac. Howard said Jon Hein knows that.
Jason and some of the guys were in the studio to talk about that. Jason said he had 14 songs and all of them made it to the billboard top 10. He said that his albums are mainstream loved and they're big sellers. He said he's on the level of Jay Z. Howard asked who is bigger. Jason said Kendrick is. Howard asked if it's Eminem or Kendrick. Jason said it's Kendrick.
Gary said something and JD started laughing. Howard asked what he's laughing at. JD said it was the level of energy Gary had. Howard said Robin's new boyfriend is coming in today. He said that's someone she should be dating.
Howard said Kendrick does a song about ''Bitch don't kill my vibe.'' He said he wrote that for Robin. He said it's a song about some dude chilling out and in another room he hears a woman making noise and it's fucking up his vibe. Gary said he just feels the vibe. It's not noise.
Robin said he's sober now and very religious. Howard said Robin knows a lot about this guy. Robin said she's been trying to figure the guy out. Howard said he should play this song. He said some guys haven't come to grips with their mother issues. He said that's what this song might be about. Robin said that if you're trying to impress your friends and your mom tells you to clean your room it might ruin your vibe.
Howard said he had some girls come over to his house and they came up to his room. He said he thought he had something going on. He said it wasn't sex or anything. He said they were just friends. Howard said he was kind of like Jeff the Drunk. He said he got these girls to come over and his mom found a t-shirt on his bed and she wrote a note ''T-shirt on the bed?'' in big letters. He said the girls looked at him like he was pathetic. He said this song ''Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe'' could be about that. Howard played some of the song. He wondered why it's girls singing.
Howard said it's kind of like he's trying to chill out. Jason said he knows what he means. He said he could hear his mom coming home and that would ruin his vibe. He said he could feel it from 2 rooms away.
Howard said Kendrick will be there today. He said somehow the announce got lost. He said heads will roll around there. He said he keeps everyone no matter what happens. Jason asked why Fred didn't ask anyone about that. Gary said he's poking the bear. Fred said that's his role now. Fred said sometimes they don't record anything. Howard said this time they did. Fred said from now on he'll ask. Howard said now Fred hates Jason. Fred said not even close. Howard said Christmas is canceled. He said it is a legitimate question. Fred said if Jason is that concerned maybe he should check on it. Fred said sometimes they have a good system going on. He said it had been working well.
Howard asked Will what happened. Will said they send out an email every night. He said he thought they didn't have to write it in. He said he left it out and it didn't get sent to Fred. Howard said something went haywire there. Jason said it seems like it's Will's fault. Howard said Fred could be part of the solution. Jason said they are a team. Fred said Howard is the coach that's being brutal. Howard said enough of this. He said he'll play the intro. He had one where Marfan Mike did the intro.
Howard said they put all of this work into the show and it doesn't get on the air. Howard said that's his nightmare. Howard said he has to rely on others. He said that's where it all falls apart. He had another announce from Human Newman. Howard said he loves that guy. Then he had one from High Pitch Erik.
Howard said he did some math last night and he figured out he has 3 more years left. He said after this week they come back in January and then they start their third year. Then he's out after the three years. He said he's done after that. He said he won't be doing more.
Howard said he's sure now. He said last night he was sure. He said Ronnie said he was done in 3 years too. Gary asked how old he's going to be then. Ronnie went off on Robin for laughing at him. Ronnie said he's out in 3 years. He said he's done. He won't drive anymore and won't do security anymore. Howard said he's going to go off into the sunset. Ronnie said he'd definitely done. Gary said he might move out to Vegas. Ronnie said maybe. He said he has some friends out there and one guy is a big real estate dude out there. Howard asked why this is so funny to him. Ronnie said it's not about the strip or anything. He said it's really nice out there. He said he likes the weather.
Howard asked what Ronnie likes about Vegas. Ronnie said the weather is great. He said you have to deal with the real hot heat but otherwise it's not terrible. He said there's no snow storms. He said there's things to do there. Howard asked Ronnie what he'd do out there. Howard said maybe he could get involved in the strip club industry. Howard said he heard Scott the Engineer wants to move out there too. Ronnie said he ain't going anywhere.
Howard asked what Ronnie would do out there. Ronnie said he's into cars so he'd have a nice car. Howard asked what his day would be. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Howard said somehow it'll involve a car. Ronnie said maybe. He said out here the roads blow and out there it's nice. Howard said he can get a pool or something. Ronnie said he'd have to have a fucking horse too. He said Stephanie has to have a horse. Howard asked if he's Rockefeller. Ronnie said Stephanie said she wants that and she says ''stuff like that'' and it drives him nuts. Howard asked how often she says that. Ronnie said it's pretty much every sentence.
Howard asked Ronnie if he would have a purpose out there. He said he has to have something to do. Ronnie said he'll figure something out. Howard said he needs a plan. Ronnie said he'll get a job. Howard said he could keep his job there. Ronnie said he has a feeling Howard is gone. Howard said that's his feeling too. Jason said Ronnie is saying that he will see what happens but then he says that he's done. Ronnie said he'll figure it out then. He said he's not going to drive on it. Howard said it's ''dwell'' on it. Ronnie said he could change his mind. He said people do change their minds.
Howard said Ronnie can't retire because he doesn't have a plan. Howard said he's telling you that you need a plan. Ronnie said he has a financial plan. Howard said beyond that you need to fill your day with something. Howard asked what his day would be. Ronnie said however it is, it is.
Howard said his dad retired at 59. He said then he did that and started reading the paper and going out to lunch and going to the track. He said before he knew it his day was over. He said if his dad didn't have that then it wouldn't have been a good retirement. Ronnie said that's not his idea of retirement. Howard asked what he would do. Ronnie said he'd figure something out.
JD said he thinks Ronnie would do acting. Ronnie said he doesn't want to do that. He said he's not going to work in a strip club either. Gary said he was watching a show and he thought about learning to ride a horse when he retires. Howard asked Ronnie if he'd do something like that. Ronnie said he's not riding a fucking horse. Howard said they're asking if he'd have something like that to do.
Ronnie said he thinks he's too old to do some of that stuff. He said he can't race cars. He said he can't be in his 70s and do that. He said you need a lot of money for that. Howard said he's better off driving for him than driving a race car.
Howard asked if Ronnie will come to him with a replacement for him. Ronnie said he has someone in mind. He said he has a few people. Robin said he does have a plan. Howard said it's not his responsibility. Ronnie said it is. Sal said what a sweetheart. Ronnie asked what he's going to do in 3 years. Sal said he'll find out.
Gary said last time they told Sal he was retiring he cried. Howard said he's trying to figure out this whole Bitcoin thing. Howard said he bets Sal knows less than he does. Sal said it's crypto currency. He said it's currency from the internet and there's only a certain amount. He said once they're mined none of them will exist anymore. He said it's based on supply and demand. He said it's all human emotion that's driving the price up. Howard said he can't figure out regular money. He said he can't figure this out. Robin said it's not real. Sal said it is real and it's code that can't be duplicated. He said once it's purchased it's done. Howard said there is no regulation around this Bitcoin. He said it could just be gone. He said there's no regulation with it. Sal said it's something that doesn't really exist and it could go away.
Howard said those Winkelvoss guys bought a shit load of it and now they're billionaires. Sal said you can apply that to anything. He said you can buy stock and do that. Ronnie asked what you do with it. Brent said it's like money. He said you can buy stuff with it. He said there are places that accept Bitcoin. Howard asked if anyone there is buying it. Sal said Memet got some for $100 and now it's up to $180. Sal said that when his mom has it then it's over.
Ronnie said his son came to him and told him to get his money ready. He said he told him they're buying Bitcoin. He said he ain't buying shit.
Sal said the smarter investment is the companies behind Bitcoin. Sal said what you're doing is investing in those companies. Howard said listen to this guy. Sal said you have to get involved in those companies who are investing in Bitcoin. Howard asked if he's going to buy Bitcoin. Sal said no. He said he might miss the boat on it. He said it's high though.
Sal gave Howard some advice on investing and Howard laughed saying they're getting advice from a madman. Sal said now he's going to go watch piss porn.
Jason said that the Sirius stock was like that. He said that Sal told him to hold out and not sell when it was 7 or 8 bucks. He said that he was told it would go to 12. He said he sold it at 7.50. He said at the time he wanted to kill himself thinking it was going to go up. He said he thought it was going to go to 12. He said if he had listened to him he would have lost. Sal said he doesn't own Sirius stock. He said he has mutual funds. Howard said Sal has a plan.
Jason said Gary is investing in gold now. He said he's doing the old man thing. Howard said if they come down to an economy when they have to use gold to deal then they're screwed. He said everything is gone by then.
Howard said they are very excited they have a very big show today. He said he has the guys back in to go through some stuff. He said Gary, Brent and Ronnie all have stuff. He said he has to take a break though. They went to break after that.
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Robin said someone told her before the Home Shopping Network went on the air someone told her to buy into it. She didn't think it would work. Howard said now that wave has passed. Robin said she missed out on that.
Howard said he remembers eating at Vebrocks on Long Island and they had Kentucky Fried Chicken before anyone see did. He said his dad could have gotten into that and they could have been very wealthy. He said he could have been Howard Kennedy.
Robin said car stocks aren't very good anymore. She said she was thinking about how she could have known cars were going to be big. Howard said maybe she wouldn't have though.
Howard said he asked Jason, JD, Sal and Brent to come in again. He said they have a lot to go through. He said tomorrow they have a big Christmas show coming up. He said they have asked Perez Hilton to come in and play prostate karaoke. He said he has fingered Benjy but this time he's going to take the finger in his ass and sing. Howard asked who is in that. Gary said it's Fred the Elephant Boy, Medicated Pete, Shuli, Brent and Perez. Howard said Brent has had it examined. Brent said never. He said he had a physical in the military but that's it. He said that was pretty embarrassing.
Howard said Dr. Fisch uses a probe in your ass. Sal had it done. He said the probe is like a magic wand. He said it's about the size of a long Sharpie.
Howard said JD has never had his prostate checked. JD said no. Ronnie said he gets his prostate checked every year. Ronnie said he had a biopsy done on his prostate. He said he did it and it was fine. He said that the next year they tell him the same thing. He said his tests show his PSA is high. He said they want to test him every year.
Gary asked if he thinks anything could change. Ronnie was yelling about this doctor and said his new one told him he gets it and he sees it all the time. He said the PSA fluctuates. He was going on and on so Howard cut him off saying it's more invasive to get the biopsy. Ronnie said he fired his doctor. Howard said Sal is over there drifting. He said he should get out. Sal said he's listening to every word.
Howard said it's way more invasive to get the biopsy instead of the colonoscopy. Ronnie said he's fine. Howard asked what his beef is with that. Ronnie said its such bullshit. He said you have to shit your brains out. Howard said the finger is way more intrusive than the colonoscopy. Jason said his father died of colon cancer. He said he went through hell and once they found it, it was too late. Gary said there's a test that can tell you if you have cancer and Ronnie doesn't want to do it.
Ronnie said he doesn't want to be put under. Howard said he doesn't either. Howard said he doesn't like flying on a plane. He said they're good at putting people under. Gary asked Jason how brutal the cancer is. Jason said he doesn't want to re-live it but it was brutal. Howard said it only makes sense to get a colonoscopy. He said he's being irrational. Brent said that Sam Simon died young from it too. Ronnie told him to shut up because he hasn't had his ass checked.
Howard said Dr. Fisch is going to check their prostates tomorrow and his money is on Perez Hilton to win the Karaoke thing. He said he won't even know he has a finger up his ass.
Howard said Perez Hilton is excited about coming in. He said that Perez did a podcast where he talked about fingering Benjy. He played a clip of Perez talking about the fingering.
Howard said Perez made a point about him in another clip. He played that and Perez said that Howard was the one who freaked out and didn't let him stick two fingers in Benjy's asshole. Howard said he thinks a lot of people who are into fisting work up to the fist. Howard asked Ronnie how many fingers he's gotten into a girl's asshole. Ronnie said just 2. He said he's not into doing more than that. He said he got one finger in the other hole like a bowling ball. He said that's pretty cool. He said you can feel your fingers through the other side. Howard said he's going to throw up. Howard asked which fingers he had where. Ronnie said he had two in the pinkie and the finger net to it and his fuck finger was in the pussy. He said it was like a bowling ball. He said it was cool.
Gary asked how many fingers Ronnie has had in his ass. Ronnie said one. Sal said the right answer is ''zero.'' He said he's not supposed to take a finger up his ass.
Howard said when he was 19 or 18 he had a girl stick her finger near his ass and he clenched up. He said he doesn't want a finger up there. He said he shut that shit down. He said it's not right. Ronnie said it's part of your body. Howard asked JD if he's ever had a finger up his ass. JD said he has had a tongue but not a finger. Howard said he's never had that.
Howard said Ronnie is super hairy. Ronnie said he grooms up. He said he cleans up down there. Howard said it has to smell down there. He said he wants to meet the woman who sticks her tongue up there. Ronnie laughed. The guys said he has. Howard said he can't believe that he convinced a woman to stick her tongue up there. Howard said worse than that it's JD's asshole. Ronnie said if you get a girl turned on enough she'll do anything.
Howard asked JD how he got the girl to do that. JD said it was something she was into. He said he was on his back and she did that while blowing him. Howard said imagine this girl. He asked if he kissed her after that. JD said no way. Ronnie said why not. He said Brent has been there so he can't tell him he hasn't. Brent said he has been there. Brent said he has done a lot of wild stuff.
Howard said you must take a shower before that shit goes down. JD said this was after a night. He said he had showered before. Jason said he must have been sweaty. JD said he does sweat. Sal said maybe she passed out and her face just fell down there.
Howard asked Robin if she's ever done that. Robin said she hasn't but Ronnie said you can tell she has. He said you can see it in her eyes. Jason said he would never let a woman he loves near his ass. Howard said he'd never let a woman in his asshole either. He said it's gross down there. He said he doesn't want a girl to be turned off. He said it stinks down there. He said he's closed for business back there.
The guys asked Ronnie where it ends. Ronnie said he has had a vibrator up his ass. He said not all the way up but right outside his asshole. He said it didn't go far in. He said it was just the tip. Jason said now they know what Ronnie will do during retirement. Brent said he has a hungry asshole. Howard said he does.
Sal laughed and said Ronnie teaks it up the ass. Ronnie said Sal can't laugh at him about anything. Sal said he has never had a vibrator up his ass. Ronnie said he wishes he did. Sal said he'd do it if he wanted it. Howard said Sal has had a dick in his mouth. Ronnie said he never has.
Howard said they have to finish this. Ronnie said he has to go. Howard said someone thinks Ronnie is annoying. He took a call from a guy who said that they have to put a vibrator in his mouth because he won't shut up. Ronnie said he was asked a question. Howard said Ronnie has to go do something. He said he has to go escort Kendrick Lamar in there.
Howard said he wanted to finish promoting this Christmas show. He said tomorrow they will be doing the prostate karaoke. He said Perez Hilton mentioned something about Benjy he didn't know. Howard played a clip where Perez talked about getting dumped after he fingered Benjy. He said he had a great time with this guy and then he dumped him after the fingering. Howard said it cost him a dear friendship.
Howard said he has always said that the road to ruin starts at Benjy's asshole. He said that was a lot of fun.
Bobo asked about something Howard has said about ''skenbricks'' and he wondered what that is. Howard said it's Schmendrick. He had Bobo trying to say the word and he wasn't able to say it. Howard said it's Schmendrick. Bobo kept trying to say it but he wasn't getting it. He said he just can't say it. Howard repeated himself a bunch of times and Bobo wasn't able to say ''Schmen.'' Howard said they should change his name to Schmendrick. Bobo can't even say it. Howard said listen to him. Howard said they have Kendrick coming in so say that. Bobo was able to say that. Howard said this might be an intelligence thing. Jason said he can't get Ps and Ks to work in his head.
Howard tired one more time with it. Bobo tried again but it was still coming out Skenbrick. Howard played him off with a song parody. They went to break after that.
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Sal said it was very confusing because of the dark. He said you don't know where they are. He said you don't know where they're at. Robin said you can't tell who is who either. Howard said this is based on a comic book and everyone should be able to follow it.
Howard said he wants to mention the election in Alabama today. Robin said she wants to say one thing. She said it's not the whole state. Robin said it's painted as one thing but there may be a lot of people voting for Roy Moore but there are people voting for Doug Jones. Gary said they expect voter turnout to be 25 percent. Robin said that's so low. Howard said people don't appreciate living where you can vote.
Howard said he was listening to tape of Roy Moore's wife and if you listen to the level of intelligence you don't want them anywhere near the government. Howard said just listen to this ignorant asshole. He said if he finds out they elected Roy Moore he's not going to recognize Alabama. He said he won't take calls from Alabama.
Howard played a clip of Kayla Moore talking about how they like the blacks and the Jews. She said one of their attorneys is a Jew. Howard said you can't get more stereotype than that. Howard was goofing on her making up stuff she could say about the Jews. Brent said that she had a look on her face that was so smug after she said that. Howard said she had this weird smile on her face like ''We gotcha.'' Jason said you can tell how aware they are that it's a Jewish lawyer. Howard said his horns don't bother them.
Howard played a phony phone call they made to a Jewish radio show. They had one of the guys talking about being Jewish and dressing up as Santa on Christmas. The hosts told him that wasn't a good idea. The guy kept calling in to tell them about his pranks against the gentiles.
Howard said they're going to have to go back and cut that out for the people who don't listen.
Howard asked who taped this. Brent said some of their guys were there. Howard played a clip from the party where the music was super loud. Brent said it was a nice party and it was at the Hammerstein Ballroom. He said it was very loud though.
Howard said a lot of companies are canceling the parties because they're afraid of sexual assault. Howard said things are crazy.
Howard played another clip and said that Sway is the DJ there. Brent said he got on microphone and became the Emcee of the party. Howard said then things got even louder. Howard played another clip of Sway up there talking and the music getting loud.
Jason said that's like Sal getting up and taking the microphone. Gary said people ask Sal to do that. Howard said if you're going to go that route you need some asshole to get up there and do that. Sal said he does it when he's asked. He said it's too much.
Howard said after dessert they can do something. He said they can get the music going when everyone is done eating. He said by then people will be done talking. Gary said he doesn't know about that. He said some people don't want to dance at all. Gary said he won't dance but he's just happy not to hear Ronnie sing.
Brent said he'd like to keep low level music the whole time. Howard said he looks up and everyone is just staring off into space. Gary said they could have the back for the music. Howard said maybe they can have the music start after they're done eating.
Howard played another clip from the company party and said they're going the opposite direction with their party.
Gary said that Michael Rapaport is upset that he's not invited to their party. Howard said he heard that. He said he likes the guy but he's got it all wrong. Howard played a clip from the Wrap Up Show where Rapaport was asking about the party and why he's not invited. Howard said he's got to be kidding. Rapaport was going off on James Franco for not going on the Wrap Up Show. Gary said he has a whole rap that if you're not on the Wrap Up Show then you're not a true fan. Howard asked if he thinks James Franco is invited. Gary said he's not sure.
Gary said Michael has a whole rap about how bad the gift bag is for the Wrap Up Show. He said he likes the bag for the Stern show. He said that the Wrap Up Show bag is 1/4 the size. Howard said here has to be a pecking order.
Howard said Rapaport has been straightened out. He said he must understand why he's not invited. Howard said he wishes there were more people because he has to pay a minimum for the party. He said they're way below the minimum number of people. Howard said he can't invite guests like Rapaport. He said then they'll complain that he doesn't talk to them. He said he has to talk to the staff.
Howard said yesterday he was eating dinner and had his eggplant parm. He said he was watching MSNBC and Nicole clearly listened to the show. Howard said he felt really self conscious. He said the first segment was like 15 minutes and she only said ''sort of'' twice. Howard said she completely corrected that shit. He said he was thinking maybe she was appreciative of that or maybe he's fucked her whole head up. Howard said he could be stuck in her head. Howard said he has to tell you something. Brent said he did her a favor. Howard said he knew it was on her mind but she barely said ''sort of.''
Brent said someone there should have done that for her. Howard said there's a fucked up system over there. He said there must not be a Program Director there. He said they would correct that stuff if there was. Brent said there's a lot of talking over each other over there. Howard said the weekend format is terrible there. He said they break format over the weekend. They do a lot of documentaries.
Howard said Nicole tweeted that he was absolutely right. He said she said she ''sort of loves @HowardStern.'' Howard said that she must have been happy about what he said. Howard said she thanked him for pointing it out. Howard said he felt guilty for a moment. He said he wondered if he embarrassed her in front of her colleagues. Gary said it came across like it was complimentary. Robin said it was still in public. Howard said she went from being a 7 to a 10 as far as broadcastability.
Jason said he did some research on her and he thinks she just needed some direction. Howard said there are program directors out there who think they know everything but they didn't know anything about show biz and announcing. Howard said Nicole Wallace goes to the View without direction and they fire her. Howard said she got this MSNBC job and she's a bright woman and she knows what she's doing. Howard said she's in command of the issues. Robin said she would prefer what Howard said to what they said about her after she was fired from The View.
Howard took a call from Nicole's (fake) husband who said she's not eating or sleeping and she sort of blew him last night. Howard said he was only trying to help. The guy said he also sort of loves a vibrator in his ass.
Brent said that she was the one who was trying to get Sarah Palin on point when she was out campaigning. He said she's anti-Trump but she's conservative. Howard asked where Marco Rubio is now. Howard said he's not even sure what he's saying about Roy Moore. Jason and Brent said he's tweeting out bible verses.
Howard said he realized that he will air check more and help other broadcasters by correcting and moulding them. Robin said he should get a fee for that. Howard said he watches these shows and he wants to make them better for himself. He said he could fix every show on TV. Howard said he was a judge on America's Got Talent. He said actually try to forget that. He said sometimes he forgets.
Howard said he was just talking about the Walking Dead earlier. He said that it was so shitty being so dark. He said he had to watch that Talking Dead just to figure out what was going on. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he has Kendrick Lamar there. He said he's the man. He said he is more popular than anyone right now. Howard said he's selling more albums than anyone. Howard said settle in and they'll talk. Howard asked if he's having a tough day. Kendrick said it's a good day.
Howard asked if Kendrick spends time in New York. Kendrick said he was there in 2012. Howard asked if he ever imagined his poetry and rhymes would reach a 40 year old fat Jewish kid from Queens. Kendrick laughed. Howard said his producer is his biggest fan. Kendrick said that was the dude back here that helped him out. Kendrick said hi to Robin.
Howard said that the music has an influence on a different culture. Howard said that's a responsibility in a way. Kendrick said definitely. Robin said he's bringing the American culture around the world. Howard said Obama said that his song was his favorite. He said that's heady stuff.
Howard said he thinks about guys in rock and roll and they can go crazy with the fame. Howard said when you grow up poor no one is handing you anything. Howard asked what keeps you grounded. Kendrick said you can go crazy fast. He said you have to have grounded people around you that tell you the truth. He said they're honest with you from day one. He said when you know you're wrong and they're there through everything they can tell you that you're wrong and you have to respect that.
Howard said that Taylor Swift is on TV talking about how she wants to work with Kendrick Lamar and that has to be mind blowing. Howard said no one was banking on Kendrick Lamar.
Howard asked where his parents were before Compton. Kendrick said they were in Chicago. Howard said his dad was in a gang and they move to Compton. Howard said all they got was a garbage bag full of clothing. Howard said they were poor people. Howard said before he was born his mom worked at McDonald's and his dad at KFC. Howard asked how many kids were in the family. Kendrick said there were 4. He said that they came from families of 7 siblings each.
Howard asked how Kendrick avoided being in a gang in Compton. Kendrick said his dad told him do as I say, not as I do. He said he taught him that you have to go through things and see for yourself. He said he had to go out and get his hands dirty. He said his mom was a dreamer so they gave him that balance. Howard said he never joined a gang. Kendrick said he didn't.
Howard said some guys get in a gang and the gang won't let them leave if they want to. Howard said thank god he didn't. Kendrick said he grew up in that culture his whole life. He said he comes from the respect that they have for him. He said they knew he was talented and that he could save their life.
Howard asked if he feels he has to give money to his family or is he free of that. Kendrick said it's not really just financial. He said it's more of an opportunity to do something more than they used to have. He said that it's more setting small goals for yourself. He said that's what he preaches to his family. He said you can always do more.
Howard asked if there are people who are jealous of him and says weird shit to him like he had people do to him. He said they said he was lucky. Howard said this wasn't luck. Kendrick said he gets some of those comments. He said he has a very small circle and he doesn't hear much of that. He said you hear it from the outskirts. He said they forget that Jay Z is from the projects. He said he worked to get where he's at. Howard said that's the weird thing. He said they compare everyone. Howard said there's a constant comparison to Jay Z. Howard said they say he's bigger and better than Jay Z and Tupac. Howard said that must put a jinx on the whole career. Kendrick said it's not pressure. He said he has studied Jay Z and guys like that. He said as long as he's not caught up in the ideal of being exactly like them then it's fine. He said artist get caught up in that hype and it becomes pressure and stops being fun.
Howard asked if he feels that he has to be better than them. Kendrick said he does. He said he has to move forward.
Howard asked about calling out the old rappers in one of his songs. He said he says he's the best out there. Kendrick said he does. He said it's old rappers and new ones too. Kendrick said there are some competitive guys out there. He said it's all in fun. He said it's not ill will. Robin said it inspires him. Kendrick said it inspires them too. Howard said the old guys used to shoot each other over that.
Howard said he likes this story about Kendrick being a little kid and his father took him to see Tupac shoot a video. Kendrick said it was California Love. Howard asked how old he was. Kendrick said he was about 7 or 8. He said they were shooting that in Compton. Howard said Kendrick watched them shoot the video. He said he gets the chills from this. He said he knew that's what he wanted to do with his life. Howard said people then tell you that you can't do it. Howard asked how you defeat that negativity. Kendrick said that's the hard part. He said you have to get past that part before you get to the dedication and hard work. He said it wasn't easy. He said it took a lot of patience and repeating the same thing over and over. He said he had to practice over and over.
Howard said he knows when he grew up he wanted to be on radio and his dad asked who the fuck he thought he was wanting to do that. Howard said people fill your head with that shit. Robin asked if he kept his dreams to himself. Kendrick said it's funny because he knew what he wanted to do and he didn't have to argue with you. He said you only had to tell him once he didn't have to do that. He said he had that focus.
Howard said Kendrick has seen people get killed in front of him at an early age. Howard said that's like growing up in a war zone. Howard said you don't want to think you're going to see that as a kid. Howard asked if someone sat him down and told him what he saw was fucked up and asked how he was feeling. He asked if anyone helped him with that. Kendrick said his mother did. He said she told him he didn't have to become that. He said she told him he was going to be more than that. Kendrick said as a kid he remembered the moments and he got locked in and remembered it. He said it became a norm after a while. He said he can't stop people in the family from being who they are but he knew there was more out there thanks to his mom.
Howard said he was a good student too. Kendrick said he was. Howard said he thinks in that environment it's tough to do that. He said he was a straight A student. Kendrick said he wouldn't say that. He said maybe he would say that. Howard said the funny thing is that kids make fun of you when you're smart. Kendrick said he had to downplay it in school. He said he knew he could go far if he put his work into it. He said he did the same thing with music later on in his life.
Howard asked if he ever thought of going to college. Kendrick said he didn't. He said it was just going to be music. Howard said that they had a place where they would move the kids to get them out of Roosevelt. Howard said that they encouraged you to be bad at his school.
Howard said Kendrick has a new album that has like 7 Grammy nominations. Howard said they're there to celebrate that. Howard said Kendrick knew that he could write songs. He said the story goes that he was preparing for some exam and he kind of winged it. He said it was English and he wrote and aced it. Howard said that's when you know you can write. Kendrick said it was 7th grade. He said his teacher encouraged him and said he could write. He said that comes from places you don't expect. He said growing up in some school districts you don't get that kind of encouragement. He said they have their own standard of what great is. He said being creative can be great. He said that his teacher was enthused about what he was doing. Howard said they understand the occupations and all of that but they get the art too.
Howard asked how he started performing and where it was. Kendrick said it was in high school. He said the danger of the gangs was always there. He said that they let you know if you suck too. He said they don't give a shit. Kendrick said when you come from that you're fearless on stage. He said he has come from a dangerous environment.
Howard asked about going up to perform and if he gets one of those weird things where he's a hit right away or did he tank. Kendrick said he tanked. He said he was prepared for it. He said that he knew her he might have messed up.
Howard asked if he took any music lessons at all. Kendrick said he wished he had. He said he didn't. Howard said walking into a studio the first time must be wild. He said imagine what he'd be doing if he had that ability to play. Kendrick said the first thing you touch is a piano or a guitar. Howard asked how he conveys the music to the other artists. Kendrick said he has to sit with them. He said he has to hum the melody or skat out instrumentals or whatever. He said he might do a beat box that's terrible but he does what he has to do to get it out.
Howard said Kendrick says that he was so poor growing up that he wasn't able to go to a concert to see anyone perform. Howard said he couldn't afford a ticket. Howard said he never saw these guys in person. Howard said maybe that's why he's so original. Kendrick said the firs thing they needed was gas money. He said he was in his 20s before he saw his first concert. Howard said just parking was too much.
Howard asked Kendrick about being K Dot when he started out. Kendrick said that was his name in Compton. He said that was his rap name and he aspired to be a song writer. He said you evolve as a writer so he went to Top Dog and he told him he wanted to be Kendrick Lamar. He said he told him it sounds like a cologne or something. Howard said it's an original idea to call yourself by your real name instead of a nickname. Howard asked who K Dot was. Howard said he's saying that wasn't him. Kendrick said right. Howard said K Dot wanted to be a rapper. He said now he's speaking his own truth and K Dot is a character. Kendrick said he still comes out. He said he had no rules. Kendrick said that was him honing in on the instinct. He said he can never throw that away.
Howard asked about this Top Dog guy and why he went with him. Kendrick said he's a great person. He said there are a lot of people who come up in the community and some have negative influence. He said this guy had power and he was smart and he cared about the community. He said he cared about the kids. Howard said he treated him with respect. Kendrick said he did. Howard said Kendrick gets upset when Top Dog gets compared to Suge Knight. Howard said Suge gets a rap about being a gangster and taking advantage and Top Dog is compared to that. Kendrick said it's the physical image too. He said they can't stop being affiliated. He said they don't have the same tactics.
Howard said Kendrick's dad was working at KFC and Top Dog went in to rob KFC. Howard said he wrote a song about this. Kendrick said it was on his last album. Howard said Kendrick's dad tries to charm Top Dog with some free KFC. Howard said his dad thought maybe he won't get violent. He said Top Dog liked him and didn't rob the place. Howard said now he's working with Top Dog. Kendrick said it's funny how life works. He said that every time Top Dog and his dad are around each other they bring it up. He said it's a trip. He said they never knew that the kid in the back of the store was going to do what he did. He said 20 years later he's sitting in the same studio with Top Dog. He said it always comes around to the fact that what if he did take his father's life. He said he would be messed up and not where he is now. Robin said reading how he became more spiritual and now you can see how he became spiritual. Robin said they often go the wrong way.
Howard asked if Top Dog ever pulls a gun on his dad as fun now. Kendrick said that would be funny. Howard said that would be a great commercial. He said he offers some KFC and he puts down that gun.
Howard said Top Dog saved Kendrick's life too. Howard said he let him go in a studio and record as long as he wanted to. Howard said you have to get your shit together in a studio. He said out on the street in Compton things were going nuts. Howard said he was in the studio and that kept him safe. Kendrick said it was a safe haven. He said what he didn't know was that he was practicing and getting in the hours. Howard said that was his college. Kendrick said exactly. Robin said he was getting in his 10,000 hours. Kendrick said the gang wars were going on in Compton and it was bad. He said that it was the Bloods vs the Crips. He said he lost 3 friends that summer. Kendrick said he had to make a decision about what he was going to do. He said that's when Top Dog came around.
Howard said a kid like him wasn't going to get studio time. Howard said that could have blown it for him. Kendrick said it could have been a different situation.
Howard said Dr. Dre produced his first album. Howard said that means he saw something big in him. Howard asked how he got him interested in him. Kendrick said they had to do a lot of work before that. He said they made mix tapes and demos. He said that builds a fan base. He said that you never know how far you can go. Howard said he was just circulating tapes. Howard asked how that works. Kendrick said it's crazy because you go from writing songs in your mother's kitchen to getting the tapes out to Dr. Dre. Howard said that somehow the tape gets to Dre and they go from there. Kendrick said he thinks it was a YouTube video.
Howard said he was making mix tapes and all of that. He asked where he was when Dre called him. Kendrick said he was on tour with his brother and he was his hype man. He said he wasn't the main attraction. Kendrick said he was getting the crowd ready and he and his boy Ali were eating at Chilis and they got the call about Dre liking their music. He said he hung up. He said that they got another call from someone else and they were reading out to find out who they were with. Howard asked if his entire life changes when he gets that call. Kendrick said it did. He said it was evolution. He said it was intimidating when they were in the studio together. Kendrick said the first time he knew he had arrived. He said he wasn't only meeting him but he was playing a beat and telling him to write to it. He said he wanted to see if it was really him.
Howard said he's also saying to him that he's his equal. Howard said that gives him the chills. Kendrick said he had to say to himself that this was it. He said he was working already. Howard said he has to freestyle it. Kendrick said he had to write and record it. Howard asked if he fucked it up or was he right in there. Kendrick said he was right in there. He said he wanted to see if he could actually execute it. He said that's the challenge for him.
Howard asked if he was looking at Dre when he was doing all of this. He asked if he saw a smile or what was he doing. Kendrick said he was nodding his head but not giving him too much attention. He said he gives him his space and lets him do what he's going to do. He said that song ended up on his first album.
Robin asked if he just came up with it right there. Kendrick said he did. He said Dre had a concept in mind and he had to come up with it right there.
Howard said he was talking about this song ''Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe'' and how it can be about guys who are angry with their mothers. Howard said that it could be your mom and you're just relaxing and this bitch just kills your vibe. Kendrick was laughing. Howard said just the thought of this person can bum you out. Howard asked if he was thinking of someone specific. Kendrick said it was just people in general. He said the energy is real and they can ruin the vibe. Howard asked what a bitch can do to ruin your vibe. Kendrick said they can come around and talk gossip of other people.
Howard played some of the song and said he gets it. He said he knows what he means when he sings that song.
Howard said that the song that Taylor Swift was singing was ''Backseat Freestyle' and she knew every word to it. Howard said she's a white girl and you don't expect her to know the words. He said she knew it all. Howard said they saw her on TV singing along to it. Howard asked if she should sing the N-word out loud. Kendrick said she should do a personal edit and mouth it to herself. Howard said then he ended up on her record. Howard said she was fantasizing that she was best friends with him and he ended up in one of her songs. Howard played some of that song. Kendrick said it sounds good in the headphones.
Howard said when she calls him up about that song she's one of the biggest recording stars. Howard said that gets his name out there too. Howard said that he must have to think about doing that. Kendrick said you have to have a great business mind. He said you wonder how far the pop world is from hip hop. Howard asked if she called up and asked him to do something on the song. Kendrick said she had to send him the music first. Howard said he says it's something he can contribute. Howard asked if he does it in his own studio. Kendrick said he went to her studio session and did it with her there. He said he jumped in the booth and laid it all down while she was there.
Howard asked if he Taylor had to ask for more than one take or did he just say fuck you and that's it. Kendrick said it didn't take too many takes. He said it just worked out. He said they knocked it out pretty quickly. Howard asked if they sent him the finished piece. Kendrick said he had to approve it. He said they had these drums on it that he never heard. He said it crossed worlds but they did it the right way. He said he liked that track and they rocked out.
Howard said his next track was ''Pimp a Butterfly.'' Howard said that's like pimping out someone who doesn't belong on the street. Kendrick said it's actually about him growing. He said that it's about him traveling the world and seeing things.
Howard asked if it's true that Prince was supposed to be on this album. Kendrick said he was. He said Prince liked one of his records at his estate. Howard said look at you, big shot. Howard said he's a kid from Compton at Prince's estate. Kendrick said he played him the recorded. Howard asked Kendrick about flying out there and how that went. Kendrick said Prince was very approachable. He said he felt like a student and a little brother. He said he was legendary. He said rest in paradise for sure.
Howard said that just never happens though. Kendrick said there was so much going on in the moment. He said he did a show with Prince. He said he didn't know he was going out on stage. He said he had a meeting with him and he was doing an event. He said it was crazy. Kendrick said they did the event and he asked him to watch. He said he ended up going up and free styling and he forgot about the song.
Howard asked if he sees these guys spending so much money and thinks about doing that himself. Kendrick said he never really had money but he had one concept about losing it. He said he had that down pat and he didn't want to make dumb moves. He said he has the advantage to be around Dr. Dre, Top Dog and Jay Z and he knows what to expect. He said he can be wealthy rather than rich. Howard said he's picturing a nice mansion. He said that's the move.
Robin said that Kendrick has evolved into the artist he is and he is evolving into the money aspect too. Howard said that To Pimp a Butterfly has a ton of Grammy nominations. He said that must be something to get that. Kendrick said he goes in trying to make the best music for the world. He said when he's gone he wants this legacy to be around forever. Howard said this was his second album. Howard said he went through a survivor's guilt because he had friends die in Compton and now he's the guy who is famous. Howard said he was upset and it threw him into a deep depression. Howard said he wanted to know why he got out and his friends didn't. Kendrick said he was wondering where to put his energy. He said that weighs on you. He said you think about who you really are. He said then you assume things. Howard asked who he turns to when he needs help. Howard asked if he went into therapy. Kendrick said he is a stubborn guy so all he had was the music. He said he didn't feel like expressing his feelings to anyone. He said he hoped that he'd come back. He said his fans tell him how much he inspires them. He said it's a working thing that comes back around.
Howard played his song ''Alright'' and said that the Black Lives Matter group took that song as their anthem. Howard said that's something. Kendrick said when things are going on in the streets with the police this gave them hope. He said they felt good about it. He said it comes from a peaceful standpoint. He said this is probably one of his greatest songs written. Howard said he can't imagine writing a song that gets that kind of response.
Howard played another song where Kendrick sings about giving a homeless guy money and that guy turns out to be God.
Howard said Kendrick's new album is ''DAMN.'' and it's got 7 Grammy nominations. Howard said that Geraldo was saying that his message is bad for youth. Howard said this guy doesn't know Kendrick. He asked if he gets pissed about what he was saying and what goes through his mind. Kendrick said that guy doesn't know his life or the kids from where he's from. Howard asked if he feels used at all. Kendrick said that it lets him not get caught up in his feelings. Howard said Geraldo ended up on the new album. Howard said he pulled a clip of him saying something. He said it's on the song DNA. Howard said this is his way of getting even. Howard played some of the song.
Howard asked about working with Rihanna on a song on this album and how she was. Kendrick said she's very down to earth. He said it was easy to work with her. He said they vibed. Howard said he was telling her what to do on that song. Howard said he'd be all over her if he was performing with her. Howard said there wouldn't be any music.
Howard asked how he's going to decide on a woman. He asked if he's in a relationship now. Kendrick said he is. He said you have to have that mutual respect. He said she's an artist he really respects. Howard said this is his high school sweetheart. Howard said he is really together. Howard asked how he got so together. Kendrick said it's tough. Howard said it's unbelievable. Howard said that's something.
Howard said he should play some of this song from the new album. He said this is ''Duckworth.'' He said that's the song where he sings about Top dog and his dad at KFC. Howard said what's wild is that all 14 songs off of the new album were in the hot 100. Howard said he should have found him in Compton. He said Duckworth is his real last name. Kendrick said it is. Howard said he thinks Kendrick Lamar is the way to go. Kendrick said maybe Duckworth would have worked by itself.
Howard said the guys in U2 worked with Kendrick. Howard played the song they did with Kendrick called ''XXX.'' Howard said Bono hates the way he sounds. He said that's crazy.
Howard asked if he hangs with the guys at all or is it just work. Kendrick said it's more of a text message and not a phone call. Robin said it's amazing that he's all over the world now.
Howard asked what's up with having 300 pair of sneakers. Kendrick said that's just hip hop. He said it goes hand in hand with rap. He said that he thinks it's more for collecting. He said he keeps them clean and dirty. He said some of them might be old and retro and they might have scuffs on them. Howard asked what the greatest pair is. Kendrick said it has to be these old, beat up Cortez's that he's had since 1993. He said he keeps them hanging up.
Howard said Kendrick is killing it. He said that he's got the keys to Compton. Howard asked if it was a big deal for him to get that. Kendrick said his whole family was out there for that. He said it was a beautiful moment. Howard asked about being into astrology. He said he can't get into that himself. Kendrick said he believes it. Robin said energy is in everything.
Howard asked Kendrick about seeing a UFO as a kid. Kendrick said he did and no one believes him. Howard said he wants to believe him. He said that these space ships only go where Kendrick can see them. Howard said he wants to believe. Kendrick said he can't even describe it. He said that he was 6 years old at the time. He said he remembers this and words can't describe what he saw. Robin asked if he was abducted. Kendrick said maybe he was. He said maybe that's why he does music. Howard said he seems like a real solid person. Robin said that he's going to be rooting for him on Grammy night. Howard said he will too. He said he doesn't need it though. Howard asked if he has a tour coming up. Kendrick said he just did the US dates and he's going to do the UK dates soon.
Howard gave Kendrick some plugs for the new album ''DAMN.'' and said everything is good. Howard asked what he thinks. Kendrick said he has to go back out in the New York cold now. Howard asked what he's going to do today. Kendrick said he was in the studio last night so he'll be doing that today. He said he was in the studio until 5 this morning. He said he didn't sleep. He said he's going to go nap and then get back to it. Howard said he might have to stop by and see what's doing. He said Robin is a rapper so he's going to play her doing Cardi B. Howard played her singing ''Money Moves.'' Kendrick said her voices is there but the timing is off. He said she has a good tonality.
Howard asked who was in the studio with him last night. Kendrick said his man Sound Wave was there. Howard asked what he did for dinner. Kendrick said they got something delivered. He said it was some vegan nuggets. He said they tried it but he's not a vegan. He said they tasted good though. Howard said that's the fun he had in Manhattan? Kendrick said they're just creatin'. Howard said rock stars used to trash hotel rooms. Kendrick said everyone is out to sue you so you can't do that now.
Howard asked if he smokes weed. Kendrick said he doesn't. He said he needs a clear mind for creating. He said he doesn't drink either. Howard said there's no fucking around with him. Howard gave him some more plugs and started to wrap up. He told him to go out to some nice restaurant. Robin said you can't kill his vibe. Howard asked if he had to go to the Isley Brothers family to use their song on his album. Kendrick said he did and he had to be personal about it.
Robin asked who he wants to work with. Kendrick said he wants to work with Anita Brown. Howard said he can't work with James Brown. Howard said that guy was great and he knew him. He said he has to let Kendrick go so he can get back to the studio and his vegan nuggets. Howard thanked him for coming in and went to break.
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Howard said Scott will be on the bit holiday show tomorrow. Robin asked what he's doing. Howard said Scott is going to be doing something. He said he knows they have him in here. He played another Scott bit where Scott talked about a depressing holiday tale from 1987. Scott was working a DJ job and it was his second gig. He said things were looking up for him but the party was a disaster. He said he was heckled constantly and no one applauded. He said they requested that he go fuck himself when he asked for any requests. Scott said he knew it was time to wind the party down and he went to load up his van but it had been towed. He said he was freeing his ass off with no way home. He said he had to spend all of the money he got paid to get his van out of impound.
Howard said everything turns into a nightmare with Scott. He said he admits it too. Robin said she's not sure how he's gone on this long. Howard asked how old she thinks he is. Robin said 63. Howard said he's 65. They had a clip of Scott saying a monotone ''65.'' Howard had him singing ''Shitty birthday to me'' too.
Howard asked if Scott is close by to come in. Scott was there with a party hat on. Howard said look at that. Howard asked how he's doing. Scott said good. Howard asked if the battery story was true. Scott said it was. He said he got in the car and it didn't start. He said he had to call roadside assistance to help him. He said that he has a battery charger but that didn't work. Robin said this is the day he needed it and it didn't work. Scott said the battery is under 2 years old and it died. He said he checked to see if anything was left on and nothing. Howard said Scott is 65 but he's not retiring. He said that would be worse for him. Scott said he wouldn't live much longer if he did retire.
Howard asked if he had a nice bowel movement last time. Scott said he did yesterday. He the best thing about hard stool is that there's no remnants. He said he feels pretty good for being 65.
Howard said he has somehow managed to go on with zero joy in his life. Scott said he loves working there and his wife and son. Howard asked if he has anything to say to young people that he can give to them. Robin asked if he has anything he could warn people about. Scott said he has nothing. He said there's nothing he can do. Howard asked if 65 year old Scott could speak to 15 year old Scott what would he say. Scott said he'd say ''Look out. Here comes life.'' Howard asked when he gave up. Scott said he can't talk about this. He said there's just one point in his life.
Howard said he just realized he's going to have to talk to Scott at the holiday party. Scott said he can stay away from him if he wants. He said he doesn't have to talk to him. Robin said he has talked to him. Howard said he's sitting there with a big piece of black tape on his shoe. He said he can't get loose from it.
Howard said they're going to have a DJ there at the holiday party and he was thinking about having him play music loud whenever he's talking to Scott. Howard said Scott will be part of the Christmas show tomorrow. Howard said he's on 12 different medications for his COPD, prostate and all of that. Howard said James Cargill will sing a song about that tomorrow. He played some of James' song ''The 12 Meds of Christmas.'' Howard let Scott go after that. Robin said after 65 years he has no advice at all. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said they got a lot of email about Robin's Christmas album. He read through some of that email which was all positive. Howard said this guy brought his dog to work and the dog started howling. Howard said he thought the dog was howling because he liked it.
Robin said she got a gold record from one of the guys there. Robin said it's on the Howard Stern Label. Robin said it's the Divas album so maybe the Christmas album is coming. Howard said Kendrick was quite taken with Robin. He said he was staring at her and looking at her a lot. Howard said he's sure she could get him. Robin said he's with his high school sweetheart. Howard said he figured Robin would be right in there.
Robin started her news and said that a Chinese stunt climber fell to his death. Howard said of course. He said that's what happens when you do something silly like that. Robin said the guy was dangling there for a while and lost his grip. Robin said he had no one up there with him. He was 26 years old. Howard said there were some acts that looked dangerous on America's Got Talent. He said they sometimes didn't work it out to make it safe. Robin said sometimes they didn't work it out ahead of time and just did it for the first time on the show. Howard said he didn't sign up to get hurt on that show and he could have been hurt.
Robin read a story about David Berkowitz needing emergency heart surgery. Howard said that's so fucked up that we have to pay for an operation on him. Robin said she was reading about Charles Manson and she thinks they should have just let him die. Robin said these guys have no compassion for human life. Robin said Berkowitz is moving to a hospital up state.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves when he does Richard's dad's voice and Kennedy's voice. He said he'd love to hear a bit of him doing the voices. Howard said it's not fun doing the Kennedy voice now that he's dead. The caller said he could bring back Ted. Howard said he could do Kennedy trying to fuck Richard's dad. Howard said imagine if Kennedy was alive now. He said he drove a woman off a bridge and he became a senator. Howard said Franken kissed a woman and had to resign. Robin said David Cassidy just died and he's accused of doing something inappropriate with a woman. Robin said now they're bringing up stuff after they die.
Howard said he has a message from Richard's dad to play. He said he goes into a long story about an armadillo they found on the farm and then at the end he mentions the baby real quick and how cute the baby looks. Howard asked if they have the clip. Gary said they're looking for it. Howard said the armadillo story is fascinating. Howard said if he finds it he'll let Robin know.
Robin read a story about Dr. Phil being seen having lunch with Anthony Scaramucci. Robin said they say he may get a TV show.
Robin read a story about North Korea and how Dennis Rodman wants to broker peace with them. Howard said he isn't giving up. Robin said he's still saying he thinks he can broker a peace through sport. Robin said he was speaking in China yesterday and he wants to have a basketball game with North Korea an Guam. Howard said that's a good idea. Robin said Dennis is trying to get back into that. Howard said he is one original dude. He said no conflict has ever been helped by a basketball game but he's trying.
Howard had the clip of Richard's dad telling the story about the armadillo he had on the property. He told a story about that and then mentions the picture of the baby that they got to see the baby pictures and he's a cutie with the big baby eyes.
Howard said Richard's mom and dad had to go 10 miles to see one of them there machines with the pictures on it. He said they had to go see the baby pictures at someone else's house. Howard said the armadillo story took up most of the phone call. He said that story was about it begging for its life and that was apparently hilarious. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Eugene from Kentucky who said he was up in New York and got to meet Shuli. He said he bets there are more people in New York City than there are in Kentucky. He said that's the first time he's ever been up there. He said he should have come up sooner. Howard said that had to be a shock to him. Howard asked what he ended up doing. Eugene said he was up doing the NFL experience and going to the game. He said then they met with Shuli. He said Howard's picture was on the wall there. Howard said they have more Jews up there. Eugene said he got a call and someone asked how he got on the show and they said they wanted to give him tickets if he could get up there. He said he figured it was a once in a lifetime opportunity so he flew up and got a hotel there. Howard asked how much money he had to spend. Eugene said he had to spend about $1000.
Howard said he has a clip of a station talking about Eugene and Howard Stern. Howard played the clip and the guys were talking about his calls to the show and what they talked about. They were talking about Eugene being a collie breeder and how Howard Stern had him on for an hour a day for a couple of days.
Howard said look at that Eugene. He said he wasn't putting anyone down. He said he was just interested in their way of life. Eugene said he told them that. He said that Howard was just asking about how he lives. Howard said he's able to support his family raising dogs. Eugene said he does cattle too. He said he does fences and things like that too. He said you have to find multiple things to do.
Howard said it's funny that they still want moonshine out there. He said that it's going to be like that with weed in the future. Howard said people will insist on growing it on their own.
Eugene said he sent Howard a video. Howard said he saw it. He said it was good. Eugene said he sent a coat rack for him too. Howard said he didn't see that. Gary said it was made of railroad spikes. Howard said he didn't see that but don't make him anything. Howard asked Gary where it is. Gary didn't know why he didn't see it. Will said he thought it was awesome. Howard asked who has it. Gary said it's in his office, not there but at his other office. Howard said he hasn't seen it.
Eugene said he just wanted to do something nice for him for sending him that spoon and all of that. Howard said he's going to check that thing out. He thanked Eugene for the call and let him go. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Gary said he has the coat rack there. He said that he didn't know it was there but he can show it to him. Howard said he's not sure why he would send it to his office if he hasn't seen it. Gary said he doesn't handle this shit. Gary said that they sent a picture to his assistant to see if he wanted it. Howard said he didn't see it. He said bring that thing in. Gary brought it in and Howard said that is nice. He said he would do something with that. He said it's cool. Howard said Eugene is pretty talented. Robin said she sees what he did there. Howard said he's going to do something with that. He said that's cool. He said he has to think where it will go before he shleps it home. Howard said it's cool looking. Robin said you can hang things on it. Howard said he was going to hang Gary from it. Howard thanked Eugene for that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the official cause of death for Charles Manson and it's cardiac arrest. Robin said he had cancer as well. Robin said he didn't just die of a heart attack. Robin said he was in pain and had trouble breathing. Howard said good. He said he lived to 83 though. He said imagine those people he had killed who would have liked to have lived that long.
Robin read a story about the boy whose video went viral who was bullied. Robin said the boy was recounting what was being done to him while he was bullied. Robin said a lot of celebrities invited him to things. Robin said now there's a backlash against his mother. Robin said they went into her social media accounts and found pictures of her with a confederate flag. Howard said some of the pictures are pretty wild. Robin said there are allegations of the N-word being used and anti Jewish statements too. Robin said there was a PayPal account set up to collect money for this kid. Howard said in other words this kid was taped and the stars all get in touch with him and offer him stuff. Then you look on social media and the mom has this stuff going on with her social media. Robin said you don't know what to think all of a sudden. Robin said some people say the kid shouldn't be penalized for the actions of his mother. Robin said you don't know where to come down on this.
Robin read a story about the botched terrorist attack in the Port Authority bus terminal in the city. Robin said the guy didn't get the bomb quite right so it didn't kill him. Robin said some people have more success than others. Robin said this guy blew a hole himself. Howard did his ISIS Hotline guy saying he checked the wrong web site to learn to make bombs. He said that his balls are in heaven with the virgins now.
Robin said that 4 port authority officers helped out with the victims there yesterday. Robin had the names of all of the guys who they say saved lives. Robin said they subdued the bomber who was trying to grab his phone. Robin said they say he might have been able to set off more explosives if they hadn't intervened. Howard was still doing the ISIS Hotline guy voice. He was talking about what a dummy this guy was. He said he had a battery, Christmas lights and a pipe bomb. Robin said he saw two Christmas displays and set the bomb off there. Robin said he wasn't very well thought out. Robin said at least he won't be procreating.
Robin said a lower court struck down the transgender ban in the military so they'll still be able to start signing up on January 1st. Howard said that was nonsense. Howard had fake Trump on the phone who was talking about how they're saying Merry Christmas again. Howard said no one was saying it before he brought it back. Fake Trump said that every time you say that a Jew drops his bagel. He told Robin to be quiet because powerful white men are talking. He said that Hanukkah will be called Jew Christmas and Valentine's day will be called Pussy Whipped boyfriend Christmas. Howard said he has to go. Trump asked Robin to press her breasts against the booth glass. Robin said she's not doing that. Howard let Trump go after that.
Robin read a story about the polls in Alabama are open. Robin said that they expect only 25 percent of the voters to show up for the vote. Robin said yesterday was the last day that the two candidates were able to get out to impress people. Robin said that Roy's wife was trying to defend her husband about bigotry accusations. Robin had some clips for Howard to play. Howard said he's disturbed by that 25 percent. He said this is an important vote. He said this guy is going to be under investigation as soon as he's elected if he is elected. Howard said people have died for our ability to vote.
Howard said he has a note saying that Benjy wants Roy Moore to win. Howard said he can't be serious. Howard said he can't get into this. He said you have to use your fucking head. Benjy came in and said that he totally respects why he won't vote for him. Howard said get the trap door ready. Benjy said he abhors his views on the gays. He said that his views on big government are good. Howard said he could have molested a 14 year old girl. Benjy said if he had sex with a 14 year old woman he should be in jail.
Howard said he heard Benjy's eating the donuts out there. Howard asked how he's going to lose weight if he's out there eating donuts. Benjy said he was on a diet for the party and he's not going to be skinny for that. Robin said she saw him going to the donuts and he started talking about how beautiful they are. Howard asked why he was offering money for food from the guys in the office. Benjy said he wanted something salty after the donuts. Howard asked why he didn't just order in. Benjy said it seemed complicated. Benjy said he saw there was nothing and just got pretzels.
Howard said if there were 7 women coming out against someone for something like this he's not going to vote for them. Howard told Benjy to leave. He said he'll talk to him at the party instead. Benjy was still asking about stuff and asked if they're going to have name tags. Fred played him off with loud music.
Robin got back to her news and read more about Roy Moore. She had some audio of Roy Moore. Howard was getting notes about what Benjy ate out there. He had 3 donuts and 12 pretzel sticks. Ward said he had those because they're free. Howard said he can't get it under control. He said Benjy will eat salad and then go eat donuts and pretzels. Fred said then he complains about the way he looks. Howard said just one donut is 190 calories. He said that the pretzels are all carbs. He said that's like 1000 calories for a snack. Fred said you're supposed to have like 400 for breakfast. Howard said maybe he'll skip a meal. He said he needs help. He said maybe he'll help him. Howard said he's going to take this piece of tape he has stuck to his foot and put it over his mouth.
Robin had some audio of Doug Jones speaking and trying to get people to go to the polls. Howard didn't understand what he was saying. Robin said Charles Barkley spoke for Doug Jones. Robin had some audio of him talking at an event.
Robin read a story from ''Creep Corner'' and said that Larry King is denying he groped a woman 12 years ago. Robin said this woman was married to Eddie Fisher at some point. Robin said she claims that in 2005 King slipped his hand down her dress while they were taking a photo together. Howard said that seems to be a regular thing that guys do. Robin said in another photo shoot in 2006 she claims he groped her so hard he left a bruise. Robin said King is saying that he didn't do this. Robin said he plans to sue over the story.
Robin read a story about the NFL network suspending some on air analysts who are accused of sexual harassment. Robin said they have a woman who claims she was harassed by the guys.
Robin read a story about Mario Batali being accused of sexual harassment. Howard said he didn't know who he was. He said he looks like Curly from the Three Stooges. Robin said he's accused of groping a couple of women. Robin said Mario has apologized for anyone he may have hurt. Fred played some Curly clips while Robin read the story.
Robin read a story about a writer who was fired for sexual harassment at the New Yorker. Robin said this just goes on and on.
Robin read a story about the Trump sexual accusers coming out and talking about that again. Robin had some audio of one of the accusers talking about what happened to her when Trump allegedly touched her inappropriately on her rear end.
Robin read a story about Senator Gillibrand asking Trump to step down so Trump went off on her on Twitter. Robin read some of what they wrote.
Robin read a story about Sarah Huckabee Sanders defending Trump with the sexual harassment accusers. Robin had some audio for Howard to play. Robin said she got into a heated exchange with someone from CNN. Howard said it's pretty wild what's going on.
Robin read a story about Trump listening to scientists about getting back into space even if he doesn't believe in climate change. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about going to the moon and planting a flag and eventually go to Mars. Howard said he believes in the space program. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show with a Christmas version of ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Howard said that's fun. Robin said she just heard that word in a Christmas song. Howard said they're having fun today. He said they love a Christmas show. He said everyone is there having a good time and no Benjy. Howard said that's Bing Zombie making a special appearance at the Christmas party.
Howard said they have some show today. Robin said look at everybody. Howard said Robin is wearing just a bra top and no panties. Robin said it is Christmas. Robin said she didn't have any Christmas panties. Ronnie asked why she has a lay on. Howard said they have celebrities and Wack Pack there today. He said they have prostate karaoke today too. He said they had a big meeting about it yesterday.
Howard said the guys who are participating in prostate karaoke think Perez Hilton has an advantage in that because he takes it in the ass. Howard said Robin is going to be doing a duet and JD will be joining them.
Howard said over there in the studio is JD who is showing off his spoon collection to Paul McCartney. He had a clip of JD pretending to talk to him. He had fake Caitlyn Jenner audio clips talking to Ronnie. He said this is fun. Robin said this is some party.
Howard said Gary is napping under the Christmas tree. He said he sleeps like a baby. He said he can sleep in the middle of a party. Howard wasn't able to wake him up.
Howard had a clip of Sal eating jizz out of Richard. He said Beetlejuice is working the front door of the party. He said lets listen in. They had some audio of Beetlejuice doing his thing and keeping Seth Rogen from coming in and letting Ashton Kutcher in when he said he was Robin Quivers. Robin said poor Seth got turned away.
Howard said he wants to talk about this election in Alabama. Howard said first of all everyone is excited that the democrat won. He said he squeaked by. He said it should have been zero votes for this guy who allegedly molested teenage girls. Howard said this Doug Jones barely squeaked by. Howard said women were voting for Roy Moore. He said they say 30 percent of the black vote came out. Howard said they must be sick of bailing out white people. Howard said white people will vote for someone who allegedly molested young girls.
Howard said the senate isn't going to let a guy like that in. He said they'd have to do an investigation of the guy. Robin said what they need is a representative who can work in the senate with other senators. Howard said he's not giving them a pat on the back for supporting this guy Roy Moore. Howard said just imagine if he got in.
Robin said the other thing was Roy Moore taking his horse to the polls. Brent said this is a ''fuck you and the horse you rode in on.''
Howard said why not appoint a guy from Saturday Night Live. He said he thought Al Franken was one of the most dedicated guys. He said he was thinking they should get Darrel Hammond or Chris Kattan and Will Ferrell in there. Howard said he doesn't care if they're not from the right state.
Howard said today is all about Christmas. Robin said they all got a Christmas present with Roy Moore not getting voted in. Howard said standards have gone out the window. He said he's glad they don't have to deal with this. Robin said there is no shame.
Howard said Fred Norris is there. He asked if he's drinking. Fred said not today. He said he doesn't drink unless there's a gay guy around. Howard said last time he was drinking at a party he had to report him to H.R.
Ronnie said he thinks he was disinvited. Howard said that's uninvited. JD said they have just parents and his brother at the wedding and they will have a party with her other family. Howard stopped him. He asked JD if Ronnie isn't invited. Ronnie said that he told him if he's in Vegas he can stop by. JD didn't want the location given out. Howard asked why he's not having anyone there. JD said it was getting too big. He said they wanted to invite family and people there. Howard said no one has been better to JD than Ronnie. JD said he knows. Howard said he guarantees that Ronnie spends more time with JD than his own brother. JD said he agrees.
JD said they had a list and they're working on it. Gary said he understands this whole thing. He said he was invited to one version of it and there were only 20 people. He said then they changed it and he has been uninvited. Howard said he never came to him and told him that. JD said this isn't for over a year. He said they didn't do any save the dates or anything like that.
Ronnie said they did do save the date. Gary said he told everyone the month and year. Gary said that they were kind of planning.
Howard asked if he wants to tell anyone that they're not invited. JD said no one there is invited. He said there was nothing official in the past.
JD said that plans change. Howard said plans change and JD is the change. Gary said if Ronnie and Jon Hein were invited would anyone be upset. JD said yes. He said he thinks Will would be. Howard asked if Jason would care. Jason said he'd like to be there but if it was a small wedding and it was Ronnie and Jon that's fine. He said they are his best friends. JD said he'd like Richard there too. Robin asked how he cut them off at the knees. JD said it's just what happens. He said plans change. Ronnie said he guesses they're not part of the family anymore.
Howard said he got pictures of Ronnie's house and his whole front yard is covered in Christmas crap. He said it's got giant balls and all kinds of inflatable's. Howard said you know the one kook in the neighborhood who has that stuff. Howard said Ronnie is a Jew first of all. Ronnie said his fiancee is catholic. He said that she likes Christmas. He said leave him alone. He has 4 giant inflatables in the yard. Ronnie said he got a dragon to replace Santa who died.
Howard asked what he has exactly. Ronnie said he has the dragon, a sock monkey, a snow globe with Santa inside it. He said he also has a car from the movie Cars there. He said they have the 12 foot dragon that has wings that open and close. He said it screams when it opens. Sal asked who the fuck puts a dragon out there. Ronnie said it's fucking cool. Howard said he wishes everyone could see this. He said it's more than what's going on in Rockefeller center. Howard said if they can post it they will. Howard said it's crazy. Ronnie said his neighbors have more than he does. Jason said he doesn't live on an estate so they're on a front yard smaller than this studio. Howard said it really is. Sal said it looks like a garage sale. Ronnie told him to shut the fuck up. Howard said it's like he's evicted and the garbage is thrown on the front yard. Sal said it's like he's the Sanford and Sons of Christmas.
The guys heard that Ronnie didn't get up on the ladder and had Stephanie do it. Ronnie said he's getting old and he didn't want to fall. He had her put up some lights.
Howard said they have all of this junk on the front lawn and it looks ridiculous. Ronnie said he picked the dragon. Howard said he has a nice house so what is he doing. Ronnie said they like it.
Gary asked when Ronnie's wedding is. Ronnie said they haven't set anything yet. Robin saw the inflatable dragon thing. She asked if it lights up. Ronnie said that's it. Howard said he has to show Robin the picture. He said it's like a carnival that comes to a small town. Robin said it's like an amusement park but it pales in comparison.
Gary said there is no thought to layout. He said they just fill an empty spot. Ronnie said they did think about layout. Sal said the theme was ''real shitty Christmas.'' Ronnie said at least he goes out and helps her unlike Sal and his wife.
Jason said they have the picture if people want to see it. Howard said imagine you're a young couple and you pull all of this money together and you don't know your neighbor is Ronnie. He said next thing you know there's a lunatic out there putting a dragon up. Ronnie said there's a guy on his block who has even more shit than he does. Howard asked if it looks good. Ronnie said it looks nice. He said he has a helicopter with Santa in it. He said he has Mickey Mouse as Santa. Howard said the picture is amazing. Robin said it's incredible.
Howard said he was in a meeting yesterday and he was talking about this new app that will have video. He said the way to kick it off would be a reality show with Ronnie. He said it would be the biggest thing ever. Gary said they could go through the wedding planning and all of that. He said that they don't have a date. Ronnie said they haven't been able to work on it. He said she's very busy. Robin said she bets they're still having sex. Ronnie said it's not so great at the moment.
Howard said he thought the playboy mud flaps on his limo were the tackiest thing he had ever seen. He said now he's seen the tackiest thing. Ronnie said he can take it up with Stephanie. Jason said the picture is up on Twitter @SternShow now. Howard said it doesn't look good. Ronnie said it looks fine. Howard asked if he agrees that his Playboy mud flaps were not cool. Ronnie said at that time a lot of people had stuff on their cars. He said maybe he's not 100 percent right about that.
Gary said that the trees are covered in fake snow. Ronnie said that was from the other day when it snowed. Howard told Gary to go back to sleep. Ronnie said it's real snow. He said there's none there now. Howard said all he knows is that he'd rather live next door to Rand Paul's neighbor.
Jason said you can see the house next door and there isn't one light on the house. Ronnie said they have shit on their lawn too. Howard asked if there's any electricity left over there. Ronnie said there's people with way more shit than he has. Howard asked if anyone has complained in the neighborhood. Ronnie said he gets compliments. He said they said it on their own. Jason said his neighbors have the lights on their house. He said it's a projector that shows lights on your house. Howard said Ronnie doesn't like that. Jason said that he told his neighbor it looks great but that's just what you say.
Sal said ''Hey Ronnie, nice dragon. So festive.'' Howard said the neighbors are wondering who the creepy old guy is. Richard said he should get an inflatable Khaleesi to go with the dragon. Howard said they think he's in a restaurant. Howard said he has big dragons out there. Brent said he's digging that sock monkey. Howard said he should take a break. He said they have so much more Christmas party. He said he has to pay some bills.
Howard asked Jason what he was going to say about JD's tux. Jason said he was going to say he should wait until the last few weeks before the wedding to get fitted. He said his weight fluctuates a lot. Howard said he heard his buttons are popping off his shirt. JD said it didn't pop off. He said it just came through the hole. He said Jason loves to point out how fat he is. JD said he gets extra large when he buys shirts. Jason said he must be 230 or so. JD said he's like 219. Howard had him get on the scale. JD came in at 220. Jason apologized. He said his point is that he shops at the Gap or something and it's big and tall but 2X isn't big enough. He said he should go to DXL or something like that. He said he'd look so much better. JD said he doesn't care, he doesn't go shopping. Robin asked if he wants his clothes to fit. Howard said if he puts money into clothes and then loses weight it's going to be a waste.
Gary said Jason got on the scale and he was at 300 pounds. Jason said he didn't take off his shoes. He said he's like 295. Jason said he's been there for about a year now and it does concern him. Howard said this is a great party today.
Robin asked who is going to the wedding. JD said that the family will be there. He said his mom and dad and brother will be there. Ronnie said he got JD his last fucking suit. He said he can go get his tux by himself. He said he's going to look like shit when he does. JD said he'll be fine.
Howard took a call from Ronnie's neighbor who said he's freaking out his kids with the decorations. He said they're freaking out over that. Ronnie said he can go fuck himself.
Howard took a call from a woman who said everyone on Long Island vomits Christmas on their lawn. She said Ronnie is happy to do it for his fiancee and that makes him a stand up guy. Howard and Gary disagreed. Howard said he only does what he likes. He said if Ronnie didn't like it he wouldn't do it. Howard said he's going along with it because he likes them. Ronnie said there's nothing wrong with them. Howard said he'll put his foot down if he doesn't like it. Ronnie said he does it for Halloween and he doesn't like that. He said they put out shit on Halloween too. The caller said the kids love that stuff. Ronnie doesn't have any kids though. Ronnie said he has Stephanie.
Howard said they have a lot to get to. He said High Pitch Erik is coming in. He said they have prostate karaoke and more conversation to go on.
Howard said he goes to every table to talk and he sees that going on there. He said it's like you're not wanted there. Robin said she has gone to that table and they take up all of the space so you have to stand there. Gary said he has wanted to make an effort to talk to JD's fiancee but he can't get in the booth. Ronnie said he just wants to get gossip out of her.
Howard said he walks by the cool table there and the last thing he thinks is that it's a cool table. JD said he just gets a seat and sits there. Jason said part of the party is to socialize. JD said he's not like Jason. Jason said that he'd like everyone to introduce their spouses by name. Howard said they're going to have name tags there. Ronnie said Jason will be outside smoking most of the night. Jason said he does do that.
Howard said Ronnie is like the mayor of the party. Ronnie said he is not. JD said when Howard leaves that's when Ronnie comes out.
Jason said that Benjy came up with a great idea to lower the music but every year the party is all about Benjy. He said he shows up late or in costume. He said they saw him just about having sex with a woman during the party one year. He said it's always something with Benjy. Howard said he thought he was well behaved last year. Gary said he was neutered. Howard said he should show up on time. Robin said maybe he has a second job.
Howard asked if Benjy wants to come in and talk about this. Gary said he has some complaints about Benjy too. Gary said at 11:29 yesterday he asked to go into the studio again. He said he told him when he puts up a note saying he wants to go in he has to know what he wants to say. Gary said he knows what Howard is going to say to him at 11:29. Howard said he wants to get out of there around that time.
Howard asked Benjy what's going on. Benjy said he doesn't let him express himself. He said Howard gets angry so quickly that he can't make a point. Howard said he's very red today. Benjy said he has trouble sleeping. Howard told him to get a nap this afternoon. Benjy said he will. Howard asked if he will be late to the party. Benjy said he doesn't think so.
Benjy asked if he can say what he wanted to say yesterday. Howard said it's done. Howard said the fact that he'd support this guy Roy Moore... Benjy cut him off and said he can't talk to him. He said he says mean things to him. Howard said it's the Howard Stern Show and go with the flow or get the fuck out. Benjy said he'll get the fuck out. Howard said his whole face is happed. JD said this is some party. Robin said she's afraid to go to the party.
Howard said Benjy looked like a mess. Fred said he might be stressed over something. Howard said he just started attacking him and he's not sure why. Fred said he could have been in the wind or he's drinking. He said he has some kind of skin condition. Howard said it's like a mood blotch. He said you can read his inner feelings.
Howard had Benjy come back in so he could apologize to him for bringing up his looks. Benjy said he's not that sensitive about that. Howard said this is the worst he's ever seen it. Benjy said he might feel kind of tanrumy because he didn't get enough sleep. Howard asked if he let him sit at the table if his face would calm down. He said maybe when they have their staff party he can come and enjoy everybody. Benjy said he is much more looking forward to it because he gets so anxious about how loud it is. He said he's looking forward to talking to people. Howard asked if he'll go to JD's table. Benjy said he feels awkward going up to a table and talking to people. He said he might just go up and smile and that's awkward too.
Howard asked if he's going to wear normal clothing to the party. Benjy said he feels pressure to dress up but he may just wear what he wears to work. Howard said it's good to see him there. Benjy asked if he can say what he was going to say yesterday. Howard said go ahead and ruin it. Howard said never support a guy who has been accused of molesting a teenager. Benjy said he thinks Howard would vote for Bill Clinton for President if he was up against Ted Cruz. Howard said you have to vote against a guy who has been accused of something so horrifying. He said that you have to walk away. He said imagine the congress and senate have to investigate this guy if he's elected.
Benjy said that he's not answering the question. Howard said if Bill Clinton molested teenagers he would not vote for him. Benjy asked if he had Ted Cruz and Bill Clinton to vote for and his vote was the last one, who would he vote for. Howard said he'd vote for Ted Cruz.
Jason said this is what he hates about Benjy. He said this is a hypothetical situation and it's not like this Roy Moore thing. Benjy said if he was in Alabama he would have voted for the libertarian. Howard said that these rubes in Alabama decided to take up with this Roy Moore because of Steve Bannon. Benjy said that they have a lot of lies about Steve Bannon. Benjy said he could go through the stuff they say about Steve Bannon and prove them wrong. Howard asked what kind of Christmas party this is.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's time to get rid of Benjy. He asked how he puts up a fight about this Roy Moore guy. He said it's over and it's time to move on. He said he brings nothing to the show. He told Benjy to move on. Howard said this party is getting violent.
Gary said he heard Benjy is dating again but he said he's not going to put a lot of effort into it. Benjy asked why he would even say that. Gary said that was the quote that was given to him. Benjy said he thinks they're talking about apps. He said if you swipe them then you get matched up. Howard said he heard he won't date outside his neighborhood. Benjy said he is staying close.
Benjy said he went on a date with someone very famous in New York. He said she didn't know who he was. Gary asked who he is. Sal said no one knows who he is. Benjy said he doesn't think that she knew who he was and people do know who he is. Howard asked if they hit it off. Benjy said they had a nice dinner. Howard asked if he paid. Benjy said he probably paid. He said he normally does pay. He said if it's just zero chemistry and she insists on paying he'll let her. He said he normally pays though. He said he did pay for this. He thinks.
Howard said Benjy has a big dinner. Benjy said not when he's on a date. Howard asked if it was Uma Thurman. Benjy said not that famous. He said it's along those lines. He said she was moving and he helped her move. He said her friend recognized him and wanted pictures. He said he was carrying couches for her. He said that was it. Howard asked if she dumped him after that. Benjy said he texted her and that was it. He said he was done after that. Benjy said he thought it was more about being out there for the move. He said she might have been trying to find guys for the move.
Howard asked if there were other guys there. Benjy said he heard there were other guys coming but they didn't show up. Howard said maybe the friend told her about who he was. Benjy said it was a guy friend.
Benjy said he can look good in pictures but then he shows up and doesn't look like them. Benjy said he gives them a talk before hand. Howard asked if that was the only date he has been on. Benjy said no but this one Howard would be interested in. He said here are a lot of famous women on these apps. He said he's seen Chelsea Handler on there. He said he's seen Whitney and the Millionaire Matchmaker. Robin said she thought she was in a relationship. Brent said he thinks she's single.
Benjy said he sees a lot of people they know on the apps too. Howard said Beth has gone on to see who is on her friend's apps.
Howard took a call from a woman who said they have to remove Benjy from the studio. Fred said ''you're making me redder!'' as Benjy. Howard said he hears her. Howard said who cares and hung up on her. Howard said he can't listen to everyone.
Howard said the big celebrity app is this Rhea app. He said Benjy has to get on there. Howard said Memet was rejected from that app. Benjy said he has to have a certain number of followers. Benjy said something about swiping but Howard cut him off and said he has to take a break. He went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said he loves this Christmas show. Robin said it's so nice to see everyone together at the end of the year. Howard said he's looking over the party and sees Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert there together. Howard said they have to listen in. He played a bit the guys did for them where they sang a song together about how they all get along. In the bit the guys all went to key James Corden's car.
Howard said they're good guys. Robin said they're still going out and partying together. Howard said you can hear they're not as non competitive as they claim to be.
Howard said they are going to reveal a mystery guest that Robin is going to duet with. Robin said this year she's going to have Adam Levine duet with her. Howard said merry Christmas to Adam. He played a bit where they did a song together. Adam and Robin sang ''Baby It's Cold Outside'' together.
Howard said Robin and Adam were great at that. He said he sees Whitney Cummings there. He said hi to her and Evil Dave was approaching her. Howard played another bit where Whitney and Dave talked. Dave was talking about his Netflix special and said that High Pitch Erik is part of it for sweeps.
Howard said Whitney is leaving. Robin said they have people running people away from their party.
Howard said he has some clips to play. Howard played one where Erik was talking about what he was eating just a week before he had the surgery. He had peanut butter pancakes and there were 3 of them. He said he had just one order. He said they had peanut butter on top. He had a list of things he put on top of the pancakes. He said he knows he has to stop and he's prepared for that.
Howard said they tell you to slow down on your eating. He said Erik was eating like he was on death row. He said it was like his last meal. Howard said the whole thing is ridiculous.
Howard said they were concerned he wasn't going to survive so they asked what he would leave to Howard Stern. In the clip Erik said he would leave Howard his Playstation 4 so he can play games when he's off. He said he'd leave his TV, computers, phone, cigars and his Flat Ronnie too. Howard said beautiful. Robin said he's going to rake in the mother lode.
Howard said Erik was worried about the anesthesia and he asked for potato chips to help him. Howard played a clip and Shuli was talking about that with Erik. Erik asked what if they over do it like they did with Michael Jackson. Shuli said he'll be fine. He asked for a potato chip but Shuli said no. Robin said you can't eat before an operation. Howard said Erik was going to have just a little piece.
Howard said High Pitch Erik was about to have his operation and he started to freak out. Howard said things got so bad that when they did the IV injection he was acting like a baby. Howard played a clip of Erik screaming and saying ''Ouch!'' Shuli was telling him to relax. Erik asked them to take it out.
Howard played another clip where Shuli was telling Erik that before he knows it the surgery will be over. Erik was wondering how he'll know if he's breathing under anesthesia. Shuli told him not to worry about it. He said if he doesn't wake up he won't have to worry. Erik said that's his major concern. He said he might not wake up. Howard said they should tell Erik he died.
Howard said that's a weird thing. He wondered how he'd know if he was breathing. Robin said he's all over the map. Howard said imagine what was going on in that hospital. He asked what his IQ is. Robin said it was in the 80s. Howard said he has no idea what's happening.
Howard said Shuli asked Erik what he had to say before he went into surgery. Erik had a whole list of food he wanted. Howard said Erik's IQ is 66. Fred said he's an imbecile.
Howard said you can still gain weight even after this surgery. Howard said they asked Erik how he handled the anesthesia. Howard said first he'll play the post surgery thoughts. Howard said as soon as he was in speaking condition Shuli spoke to him. Erik was shocked that his chicken soup filled him up. Howard played a clip and Erik said he felt very sore and he has stomach cramps. He said he ate some soup and he's full. He said it was just chicken broth soup. Shuli asked if he had ever been full like that before. Erik said he's going to be losing weight now. He said he won't have to overeat like he used to. Howard said he could eat through the sleeve. Robin said if you try you can grow another stomach. Howard said he's sure he has broken his diet.
Howard said they asked Erik how he handled the anesthesia. Erik said he didn't even smell the mask. He said he just breathed and he was out. He said he was in recovery after that.
Howard said Erik's friend Nikki was there and she had to help him go to the bathroom. Howard said he wasn't able to shit that day but the next day he did. Howard played a clip of Erik talking about Nikki helping him out with the gown and wiping the seat down. He said she had to dry his lips and eyes off. He didn't know why they were wet. Erik said he had to try to go number 2 but he just passed gas. Howard said this friend Nikki is some friend.
Howard said it's time to bring High Pitch Erik in. He said he looks the same. Erik came in and Robin said he hasn't lost a pound. Erik said he has. Howard had him get on the scale. He came in at 344 and he was 370 before he went in. Erik said he lost 40-50 pounds. Howard had to do the math to figure that out. He said that it's more like 26 pounds.
Howard said a week before he was actually 396. Erik said they weighed him there. Howard said he actually did lose more than that. Howard asked how much he lost. He figured it was 50. Erik said yeah. Howard said it's like throwing a chair off the titanic. He said he's still large but losing. Erik said he feels great. Howard asked Erik if he's sticking to the diet or is he eating terribly. Erik said he's sticking to the diet.
Howard asked Erik what he had yesterday. Erik said he had yogurt, whole wheat bread and peanut butter. Howard asked if that fills him. Erik said he had a protein shake too. Robin said he's going to eat through that sleeve. Erik said he has to have that shake. Howard said that shake should be enough.
Howard asked what he had exactly. Erik said he had the toast and protein shake. Then he skipped lunch and had dinner at 7 o'clock. Howard asked if that's what they tell him to do. Erik said he ''improfised.'' Howard said he doesn't know if he's doing this right. Erik said he had barbecue chicken for diner. He said it's high in protein. Howard said there's a lot of calories in that. Erik said he had half last night. He said he saved the rest for tonight. Howard said he was full after eating half apiece of chicken. Erik said he was. He said he can have mashed potatoes too. He said he had a little bit of that with the chicken. He said he gets it from the diner. Howard asked if his bowel movements have changed. Erik said they got smaller and he feels so much better now.
Howard said he did get him a present for Christmas. Howard said he can sit down for this. Howard said he got him this gift for all of this stuff he's gone through. Howard said Erik was really worried about the anesthesia.
Howard said it's time for his big surprise. He asked Erik what he really wants. Erik said maybe a trip. He asked where he wants to go. Erik said Vegas. Howard asked what's better than a trip to Vegas. Erik said a Macbook Pro. Howard asked what's better than that. Erik said an iPhone X. Howard asked what's better than all of that. He said maybe his greatest fantasy is going to come true. He said Mr. Donnie Wahlberg is there and he gets to grab his ass. Erik said ''Oh my god!'' Howard had Donnie come in after that. Howard said this is big. Donnie said he can see the weight loss in his face. He said from the shoulders down it might not show though. Howard said Donnie is a big star and he's got a hit show with Blue Bloods on CBS. Howard said he's on top of the world. He said he gives back. Donnie said he loves to give back.
Howard said Erik has jerked off to Donnie and he thinks he's Jenny McCarthy when he does it. Howard asked Erik if he would blow him if he was Jenny. Erik said that's right. Donnie said he doesn't give back that much. Howard said Erik is staring at him like he's a pizza. Erik said he's a great sport. Donnie said Erik a very lovable guy. He said that guy Benjy is scary. He said that Erik is a sweet soul. Howard said the Wahlberg boys grew up macho in Boston and they are top notch entertainers. Donnie said he was less macho than the rest. He said the other guys were stealing cars and he was in a boy band.
Howard asked if he's uptight letting Erik grab his ass cheeks. Donnie said he thinks Erik proved himself in the bathroom when he met him in there. He said he was in the urinal next to him and he gave him a note about being on Blue Bloods. He said he didn't do anything inappropriate with him. He said he didn't make him uncomfortable at all. Howard said his brand is important though. Donnie said he doesn't think about that. He said he thinks about what it could do for the world.
Howard said Erik is turning beet red over this. Erik said he was on the set of Blue Bloods on a White Castle day. Donnie said that's on Wednesday. He said he always treats the background and crew to lunch. Erik said he asked him if he wanted white Castle and he said no. He said he was on a clear liquid diet. He said he turned it down. Howard said that's a fascinating story.
Howard asked Erik about what's about to happen. He said he gets to squeeze Donnie's ass. Howard asked if he will cum in his pants. Erik said maybe. Howard asked if this is unbelievable. Erik said yeah. Howard said Donnie skipped the children's hospital this year to do this.
Howard asked Erik if he wants some music on when he does this. He said he wants to negotiate this so they're all prepared. Erik said he would like him to back into him. He wanted to go on the couch but Howard said no to that. Howard asked if he wants him to look him in the eye. Erik said he would. Howard said he has to talk to Donnie about this now. He said that he can't have any insertion here.
Howard said that Erik is going to take both hands and grab both cheeks. Erik said he's going to use severe force. Howard said they have to ask Donnie what he wants. Howard asked Erik what he imagines his cheeks will feel like. Erik said he thinks they're solid and muscular. Erik said he works out. Donnie said he does a little bit. He said he's on his feet a lot. He said he's caught him peeking at his but on the set of Blue Bloods.
Howard asked Erik if he has 30 seconds to do this will he get a boner. Erik said he might. Donnie said lets hope not. Howard asked if he'd cum spontaneously. Erik said he could. He said he has a Donnie poster over his bed. He said he looks at it for a couple of minutes before he goes to bed. He said he talks to it and says ''Good night baby.'' Howard asked if he has jerked off since his surgery. Erik said he hasn't yet. He said this is a dream come true today.
Howard asked if Jenny knows he's doing this. Donnie said that Gary saw her in the hallway and she initiated this. He said that things are going good with Jenny. He said that it's amazing. He said they work at their marriage and it gets better all the time. Robin said she must be very secure with him to let him come in there.
Howard said Erik has a Donnie doll and he likes to remove the clothing. Erik confirmed that. Howard asked if he would rather have the real Donnie hanging on his wall. Erik said he would and he could stick him up there with tape.
Howard asked Donnie what he'd like. Donnie said the 30 seconds might be too long. He said it's longer than you expect. He said he'd like to have a nice touch instead of hard clutching. Erik asked what kind of music. Howard said they can have some music playing. Donnie said Christmas music might be nice. He said this is turning very sexual. Howard played a song parody about Donnie's buttocks that they had made for this segment.
Howard told Donnie that he can just back away from Erik when he feels he has to get away. That's if he can actually get out of his hands. Erik said he can stand. Donnie said he can sit if he wants to. Donnie asked Erik if it looks okay. Erik said it does. Donnie said that he's not looking him in the eyes. Erik was grabbing him by the hips. Donnie said it's not that bad actually. Howard asked Erik what it feels like. Erik said it's very soft. Donnie said it's very bizarre right now. Howard asked if he can smell his breath. Donnie said it's not as bad as he thought it was.
Jason said Erik's bottom lip is trembling. Erik said he's fine. Donnie asked why he wanted all of that other stuff instead of him. Erik was grabbing his butt and Donnie said it's a little weird now. Jason said they're a minute in now. Donnie said it's not so bad. He said he's not enjoying it but his palms are sweating. Howard said Erik would do this forever if he could. Erik asked Donnie what he's doing today. Donnie said he's going to go home and shower. He said Erik is a little hippy. Erik stopped. Erik said that was great. Howard said he thinks he has a boner. Erik said he doesn't know. Donnie said he tapped his hand and he let go like a gentleman.
Howard said everyone must watch Blue Bloods. He said he's a good guy. Erik said it's on Friday nights at 10pm. He said he plays a detective on the show. Howard asked Erik if he has anything to say. Erik thanked Howard for doing this. He thanked Donnie for doing this too. Howard said this is the true meaning of the season. Donnie said for Erik it's the least he can do. Robin asked if it's truly better to give than receive. Donnie said he's not sure about that. He said he was tempted to kiss him on the cheek but he thinks maybe next year he'll do that.
Howard asked what Donnie's ass is on a scale of 10. Erik gave him a 10. He said it's muscular. He said that in his deep voice. Howard said Donnie made a young boy's dream come true. He said maybe Erik stands a chance if he and Jenny break up. Donnie said they'll have to see about that. He said he thinks they'll be together forever. Howard said this has been a spectacular party. Donnie said he'd like to hang out and mingle with the guests. Howard said this is a gross and repulsive Christmas miracle.
Erik got in a plug for a podcast he's doing on the Gonzo Shitcock podcast network. He also got in a plug for Mattress Firm who got him a new bed.
Howard said Erik can jerk off thinking about this tonight. Erik said he waits until Friday to do that. He jerks off to Blue Bloods. Howard asked Donnie if he knew he was going to be doing this when he got the Blue Bloods show. Donnie said no sir. He said he feels more Christmassy than he did before he got there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is the best radio ever. He said he can't tell the difference between Donnie and Ike Barinholtz but this was great. Howard said it only gets better when they do prostate karaoke. Donnie said he feels like he just had his checked. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult is there serving hors d'oeuvres from her diaper. He had some audio of Wendy talking about shitting. Howard said there's no loud music at the party.
Howard said it was nice of Donnie not to throw up during that segment. He said Tan Mom is about to pass out in the egg nog. He played a clip of her doing that. They had her talking and then she just falls into the egg nog. Howard said that's his favorite moment.
Howard played a clip of Benjy, Sarah Silverman and Jeff the Vomit guy talking. Benjy showed Sarah his dick which made her throw up and then Jeff thanked her for her vomit. Howard said that was amazing. Robin asked what's going on. Howard explained what just happened.
Howard said that they're going to go to Prostate Karaoke now. Howard had Gary on the line and asked what's going on over there. Gary said they're all jammed in there with Medicated Pete, Elephant Boy, Shuli and Dr. Fisch. He said this probe they have is like the size of two Sharpies.
Howard asked Perez Hilton if he has an advantage because he's taken things in the ass before. Perez said he's not a fan of that so he's on equal ground. Howard said that Chris Booker corrected him last night saying that Perez is a top so he doesn't have that advantage. Perez asked how they're being judged. Howard said he'll set it up.
Howard said Dr. Harry Fisch is their go to Urologist. Howard said he's not fucking around. Howard said he thinks that his prostate hasn't been properly checked. Howard said his doctor uses a finger. Dr. Fisch said that this checks the actual size and it can see if it's growing into the bladder or side to side. Gary interrupted and said that Perez just saw the probe. Perez said this is really big. He said it's bigger than two Sharpies. He said it's huge.
Howard asked what the circumference is. Perez said it's at least 4 inches. Shuli said it's like the size of a curling iron.
Howard asked Medicated Pete how he's doing. Pete said he's ready to go. Gary said Brent is having a near panic attack over this. Brent said he's just really worried. He said this thing is the size of a dildo. He said it's way bigger than a Sharpie. He said they're all in a small office too so they can see what's going on. Howard asked if anyone is worried about cumming. Perez said he's worried about shitting himself. Dr. Fisch said that they'll be very comfortable with the condom on it. He said that it's a female condom.
Howard said that this is the first time Brent is ever doing this. He said Perez has never had anything this big up his ass. Howard asked Pete if he's ever been probed. Pete said this is his first time. Howard asked what age men should start doing this. Dr. Fisch said 40-50 people should start. He said that Brent is really freaking out about this. He said he's starting to sweat. Gary said Brent was talking about how nervous he was all the way over there. Dr. Fisch said it's not that complicated so they can do this.
Shuli said he had this exam and Brent has every right to be scared shitless. He said he thought he was going to shit all over this room when he did this. Howard asked if they have cleaned their assholes out. Brent said he wiped extra this morning. He didn't douche though. Perez said he didn't either. Howard asked if anyone has one in the chamber. Gary said he would say that he doesn't know what the odor is going to be when Elephant Boy drops his pants.
Howard asked Elephant Boy if he has ever had his prostate examined. Elephant Boy said he did with a probe. Howard asked if he enjoyed it. Elephant Boy said it was discomforting. Dr. Fisch said it's just a little discomfort. He said it won't hurt. Howard asked what Elephant Boy will be singing. He said Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Howard said that they're all going to sing a holiday song while they get probed. Howard said they've got it all. Howard said they have more coming on today's show too. He said that Dr. Fisch is going to probe the guys and they'll sing and then they'll judge the singing. Howard said they have Robin, Fred, Sal, Richard and Ronnie to judge. Howard said he'll bring those guys in. He said while they do that they'll play the Prostate Karaoke theme song.
Howard said Richard has been through this before. Richard said it's like shitting backwards. Howard said Sal won last year. He said Ronnie won't have this done to him. Robin said last year Howard wanted to go with the funniest but the rest of them were going with the person who could sing the longest without breaking. Richard said he's going with whoever makes him laugh the most. Howard said he's not sure what he's looking for. He said he's going to judge based on whatever hits him. Richard said if someone shits they get bonus points from him.
Howard said they're ready to go over there. Dr. Fisch said they're ready. Howard said they're going to take a break and then get to it. Howard said Medicated Pete will be up first. He's singing ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'' Howard said they're looking for the person who has ''it'' and they're not sure what ''it'' is. Howard went to break after that.
Howard gave Dr. Fisch a plug and spent a minute talking to him about the female condom they're using for this thing. Dr. Fisch said gay men use it for anal sex too. He said that it's made out of nitrile and the sensation is maintained. He said they don't use latex for this.
Howard said they have Pete on the table and Perez Hilton is standing by. He said he seems super competitive. Howard said it sounds like this is what an orgy sounds like when they're trying to get going.
Shuli said that Pete is trying to chub up for some reason. Gary said he's acting strange even for him. He said he has this smile on his face and the paper is going back and forth. Shuli said he spread his cheeks and here is mud on the field. He said he missed a streak. Shuli told him to pop it open real quick. Pete did it and the guys let out a moan. Howard asked Dr. Fisch what's going to happen. Dr. Fisch said there is some mud down there but just a little bit. Howard said he knew he was going to be doing this. Pete said he thought he cleaned up. He said he shit this morning. He said he showered after. He said he thought he did a thorough job. Howard said he knew he was coming to see him and he'd be laying there. He said you should shower out your asshole. Dr. Fisch said he looks like he's about to cry. Pete said he's actually laughing. Howard asked if this is the dirtiest one he's ever seen. Dr. Fisch said he can't say. Gary said they have a pad down just for Pete on that table. He said it is a weewee pad.
Howard said he wants to say something as a judge. He said he's giving him 2 extra points for the dirty asshole. Howard said this is the intro for Medicated Pete. He played that and it said he's singing ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'' Gary said Pete is going to start to sing and then the probe will go in. Howard said they're all listening. Howard had them start the song. Pete started singing and then he started singing higher. The guys weren't saying anything. Howard asked if it's in there. Gary said he didn't change at all. Richard said he must have been practicing. Howard said it seems like it's not bothering him. Pete said he can feel it. Gary said now it's out. Howard asked if there's doody all over the place. Gary just laughed. Pete said it was just different. He said he didn't know what the fuck was going on. Dr. Fisch said his prostate is good. He said nothing looked abnormal. He said he took it like a champ too. Howard asked if there's any doody there. Dr. Fisch said he did very well. Howard asked if Pete has ever had a dick in his ass. Pete said no.
Howard went to Ronnie who gave him a 2. He said he was too normal. He said he didn't sound like he got anything up his ass. Sal was next and he said he's giving him a 4. Richard gave him a 3. He said he had shit on his ass so he gave him extra. Fred gave him a 2 and Robin gave him a 4. Robin said he had mud in the chamber but nothing else. Howard said he could never keep his voice steady like that. He said he gave him 2 points for the mud. He said he thinks Pete has had something back there but Pete says he has not. Howard said he gives everyone 2 points just for pulling their pants down. Howard said he's giving Pete a 5.
Howard said that their next person is up and he played an intro for Shuli. He was singing ''Oh Hanukkah Oh Hanukkah.'' Howard asked if he's ready. Shuli said he is. Robin asked Shuli not to start acting. Howard said they can tell. Shuli said he's not going to act. He said that probe was so far up his ass that he can't believe nothing changed. Howard said they can spot a phony. He said Pete's reaction was not normal. Sal said he has had his checked and it hurt every time. He said that this can't be his first time. Howard asked if Perez was shocked. Perez said this is awkward and uncomfortable. He said he screamed when it went into Pete. He said he's not turned on by this at all. He said his penis has shriveled up and gone inside him. Howard asked what he thinks of Pete's dick. Perez said he didn't look. He said he's traumatized. He said Shuli has a nice ass though. Shuli thanked him for that.
Shuli said he feels one in the chamber. He said he did shit this morning but he feels another one in there. Howard said that's fine. He said he might get extra points. Howard had him start. Shuli started to sing and then the probe went in and he started letting out some screams. Shuli said he's going to shit right now. He asked if he put 2 in there. Shuli wasn't having a good time. Howard said that's the noise he makes when he gets probed. Dr. Fisch said Shuli went down in size from last year. He said he looks healthier and he's not sure what he's doing. Shuli said it's smoking weed. He said that's what he'd do. Howard said he didn't know he could do that. Dr. Fisch said that he has some calcifications in there but it's better than it was last year. Robin said very nice Shuli.
Howard said that's the reaction he was expecting. Shuli said it felt like it was going and going when it came out. He said he thought he was going to shit. He said he may have a little bit. Dr. Fisch said he was clean as a whistle.
Howard asked Ronnie for his score. Ronnie gave Shuli a 7. Sal did too. Richard gave him a 6. Robin gave him a 7. Fred gave him a 9. Howard said he's with Fred with a 9.
Howard played the intro for Brent who is going to be singing ''You're a Mean one Mr. Grinch.'' Brent has never had this done on him. Robin said he had the hair removal done. Howard said Shuli is clearly in the lead. Gary said Brent has a giant birth mark on his butt cheek in the shape of an anvil. Brent said he's lucky to have 10 toes and fingers. Shuli said Brent is so nervous. He said he talked him into doing this and he's pale white. He said he has a look on his face like he's going to be executed. Howard asked if he cleaned up for this. Brent said he just cleaned and washed real good this morning. Howard said this is good to get checked. Ronnie said that he's so nervous that they're going to have an issue pushing that thing in. Howard asked Dr. Fisch if that's true. Dr. Fisch said that it does. He said that they are using a lot of lube and the condom so it makes it easier on them. Gary said the lube is dripping off the probe. Sal told Gary to spit on his asshole.
Howard asked who has the hairiest ass so far. He said it was Shuli. Howard had them start after that. Brent started his song and when the probe went in he started groaning and grunting the song. He let out some screams too. He let out a big scream when it came out. Dr. Fisch said he has a 22 gram prostate and he has some calcifications in there. He said he did great though. He said it's not intruding into the bladder and they saw no cancer.
Howard said they have to stop making it easy and stop using lube. Howard said Brent was going wild. Brent said it was terrible. Gary said he was tearing up. Howard went to Richard for a score. Richard gave Brent a 10. Sal gave Brent a 10 as well. Ronnie gave him a score of 10 too. Robin gave him a 10 and Fred gave him a 8. Howard gave him a 9. He said he's reserving the 10 for the perfect one.
Howard said it's time for the next person. They played an intro for Elephant Boy. He's singing ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Howard said Elephant Boy had an accident in his pants on the subway once. He asked Dr. Fisch if he sees any doody there. Dr. Fisch said he doesn't see anything. Shuli said that seems to be the cleanest part of Elephant Boy. Howard asked Elephant Boy when he had any human contact with another person. Elephant Boy said it's been years. Howard said he might not even feel this thing. He said he's had some ass play. Elephant Boy said once or twice in the past. Howard said in a way Perez and Elephant Boy have the advantage. He said they have had some experience back there. Howard had them start the song. Elephant Boy started singing and when the probe went in he started to sing off a bit more off than he already was. After the probe was done they pulled out and Gary let Howard know. Howard said he thinks he was singing in Korean. Robin said he thinks he put shit in the song. Howard said he heard that. Dr. Fisch said he has a 40 gram prostate but it's not intruding into the bladder. He said that he has no cancer or anything. Gary said he's going to vomit. He said they gave him a thing to clean his ass with and it's fucking brown. Gary said it's disgusting. Howard asked what happened. Gary said now he has it in his hand. Howard asked what happened. Dr. Fisch said his hygiene is a little off. Gary said he was finished and he got a paper towel and it went in and disappeared. then it was brown. Howard said they call that a dirty bomb. Howard asked what happened. Gary said he ran to the bathroom to wash his hands.
Howard asked Perez what he's thinking. Perez said that while all of these exams have been going on there's picture taking. He said he's not a diva but he would like it if they didn't take any photos with this probe up his ass. Howard said he's fine with that.
Elephant Boy came back in and said ''fuck you'' and walked out. Gary said he just left. Gary said they pointed out that he had shit in his ass. Howard called him back. Elephant Boy said he bathes and he took a shit and he washed his ass. He said he doesn't understand what happened. Howard said when he went for his colonoscopy he had some brown puddle under him too. Richard said his points could go up from this. Howard said he did a good job. Elephant Boy thanked them for that. Howard said he bets that Perez's socks could end up brown too. Howard said Robin has shit her pants too. It's no big deal. Gary said he's calm now. Sal told Gary to wipe him down. Elephant Boy said he doesn't care.
Howard asked for the scores for Elephant Boy. Ronnie gave him 2 points for the shit and 2 for understanding the song. He said the total is going to be a 5. Howard said Sal is next. Sal gave him a 6. Richard gave Elephant Boy a 7. Robin gave him an 8. Fred gave Elephant Boy a 7. Howard said he's giving him an 8. He said no one has given out a big glob of shit so far. Howard said he gave him extra for that. Elephant Boy said he's going to sue Dr. Fisch for raping him after this. Howard said how nice that this is going so well.
Howard said Brent is in the lead with 57 points right now. Howard said it's time for the next contestant. He played an intro for Perez Hilton. He will be singing ''All I Want for Christmas is You.'' Perez said he's at a loss for words. He said that's unusual for him. He said he feels so vulnerable. Howard gave him a plug for PerezHilton.com and said he did the Benjy fingering thing. Perez said he's nervous. He said this probe is big. He said he's nervous and his ass is hanging out. Howard said there's one asshole between him and victory. Howard asked if this is the biggest thing he's had in his asshole. Perez said it is. Howard said he is a power top and not a bottom. He said he has not taken anything like this in his ass. Howard asked how that asshole looks. Dr. Fisch said he's ready to go. He said he's all red in the face. He said he wins the day for the most nervous. He said he's more nervous than Brent. Perez said this has been very odd and uncomfortable. Shuli told him to man up and take it in the ass.
Howard had them start the song. Perez was singing and then the probe went in and he started making odd noises. He wasn't able to sing for a few seconds. He started up again but then stopped. He said that thing is still in there. Perez lost focus and wasn't able to sing anymore. He asked where he is in the song. Howard laughed. They finished up and Howard said a star is born. He said they're calling that Benjy's Revenge. Howard said he didn't think he'd get that thrown off by it. Perez said it moves around and he has so many emotions. Robin said she feels like she was on the trip with Dr. Fisch. Dr. Fisch said he is at 15 grams and a lot of gay men have anal sex and get infections but this shows nothing. He said his prostate is in the best shape of everyone in there. Perez said that he had some brown back there and he went on this airline that had all you can eat snacks and he had snack after snack. He said he's poo'd twice today already. Howard asked if Gary saw the brown. Gary said he did not. Perez said he hid it. Gary said he has a very hairy ass too. Perez said he does.
Howard went to the judges for the final vote. Ronnie gave him an 8. Sal gave Perez a score of 9 and Richard gave him a 7. Robin gave him a score of 10. Fred gave him a 10 and Howard gave him a 10 as well because he was very entertaining. Howard said he laughed as hard as he did with Brent. Howard said that he has to wait for Jon Hein to add up the scores. Howard said that the prostate karaoke king is... He said Pete came in last, Elephant Boy was second, Shuli was in third and the person coming in second is Perez Hilton and Brent came in first. Howard asked how he's feeling. Brent said he's fantastic. Howard said they all did a good job today. Howard thanked Dr. Fisch for doing this. He gave him some plugs for the app Hey Doctor. Dr. Fisch said you can find out more at FemaleCondom.com too. He said if you're scared of prostate cancer don't be.
Howard said he would like all of the contestants to kiss on the lips now. Howard said Dr. Fisch says prostate exams make great holiday gifts as well. Howard gave Perez a plug for his web site and then had James Cargill singing a song about Prostate Karaoke. They went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said this is Robin's song. He said he likes the way Robin sings it. Robin sang with it a little bit. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said they have to get back to this party. He said it's been some morning so far. Howard said hi to JD and said it's always fascinating to talk to him. Howard said he thinks he has to try a larger shirt. JD said he's going to go over and sit at his table. Howard said hi to Ronnie too. Howard said he can talk to him. Sal said hi to Howard. Howard said hi to Richard and Jason as well. Howard said Richard can't bring his wife. Richard said she wants him to bring a doggy bag home. Howard said go ahead and do that. Howard said the wives end up getting resentful when they can't go. Sal said ''Oh yeah.'' He said you have to come home with a bad back and sigh when you get home. He said you have to act like it was the worst day ever. Howard said Richard has to start doing that. Richard said it's hard for him to hide when he had a good time. Howard said he's going to realize she feels bad so he has to squash his good times. Richard said they'll trade off. He said he'll have his other wife there too. He said that's Sal.
Howard asked Ronnie how that Dragon is on his lawn. Ronnie said it's great. He said he got it for 149.95. Jason thought it was 300 bucks. Howard said he didn't know it makes noise. Ronnie said it squeals.
Howard said he wishes Shuli was there. He took a call from Ralph who said the Ronnie thing sounds awful. He hadn't seen the picture yet. He asked if he has one of those white trash lawns. Howard said yes. He said it looks like a tag sale is going on in his yard. Ronnie said Jenny and Donnie have more going on than he does. He said they wanted to come in and defend him. Sal said he's sure it was tastefully done. He said they don't have a dragon. Howard said Ronnie has a car and a snow globe. Howard asked what else he has. Ronnie said it's a Sock Monkey. Howard told Ralph to take a look at it.
Howard asked if the kids think he's an elf or something. Ronnie said no. Howard said he should sand there as an elf with his junk. Ralph was waiting to check the picture. He said his computer isn't going fast.
Howard asked Ralph what he had to say. Ralph said Brent was great but Perez was the winner. He said that you knew what he was going through. He said he also had the best prostate. Robin said she gave him the most points she could. Fred did too.
Ralph saw Ronnie's yard. He said it's awful. Ronnie said okay Ralph. Ralph said you can't even see the house with the crap in the way. Howard said look at that. Ralph asked why a dragon. Ronnie said he likes it. Robin said all of the colors are clashing with each other. Ralph said how about that bad snow globe. He said it's just thrown in there. Ronnie said it is not. Ralph said it is.
Sal asked if they put that shit away. Ronnie said it folds up into the box. Ralph asked if that's a big glut of lights in there. Ronnie said they're in the bushes. He said you can see the house just fine. Howard said it's so bad. Ralph said it's awful he wants to go out and fix it. Howard said it's a fire hazard. Ralph said it's an eye sore too. Howard said imagine you buy your first house and you end up next to that. Howard said you're next door to a junk yard. Fred kept playing a clip of Ronnie making the dragon sound through this conversation.
Jason said when Ronnie is pissed he repeats everything you say and that's what he's doing now. Howard asked if the garbage men come and want to throw it all in the trash. Ronnie said yeah, that's what they do. Howard said this is like if Christmas took a shit on your lawn.
Ralph asked what the Santa thing is on the side. Ronnie said that's the Sock Monkey. He said he doesn't like that one. He likes the car. Ralph said he can't see that one. Ronnie said it's kind of hidden in there.
Ralph said he loves that they have nothing to do with Christmas in there. Ronnie said that it wasn't his idea.
Howard said what's funny to him is that somewhere in the world kids are trying to get out of a country and Ronnie is here spending money on Christmas ornaments on his lawn. Howard said that it's a great country. Ronnie said he's trying to make his fiancee happy. Ralph asked if he had any thought about where they put stuff. Ronnie said they did and they changed the way they had it set up. Ralph asked if this was the best scenario. Ronnie said the dragon was in front of the house and he had to move it because you couldn't see the house. Howard said once they get the app up and running they have to do a documentary about Ronnie. Ronnie said they have to be in the house while Stephanie puts the tree up. He said he supervises. He said she gets so pissed.
Howard said he should dig a hole in his front yard and bury all of that shit. Ronnie said there's always next year.
Ralph asked if Robin can sing live at the holiday party. Howard said they're having a nice quiet party this year. He said they're going to wear name tags and they have all of this new stuff going on. Howard said Ralph always shows up late. He said he won't be there on time. Ralph said he'll be there by 7:30. He said he's going to check in with Howard like a time clock. Howard said he saw him at the dinner the one year. They didn't see him show up. Ralph said he makes a b-line for the shrimp. He said he's back in that corner.
Jason said there are new people and the new people always want to go watch Gary eat the shrimp. Howard said it's like watching a shredding machine. Howard said he said to Richard it's like watching a show at Sea World. He said that the poor shrimp had to lose his life for Gary. He said Gary just wants to be near the shrimp. He said he really loves shrimp. Jason said he gets into the crab legs too. Howard said the chef was tossing them into his mouth like a trainer at Sea World.
Jason said Gary brought in a bunch of shrimp in a plastic bag. Howard said he heard a story that Gary got a free platter of shrimp at a restaurant because everyone knows he likes shrimp. Howard said they're having so much fun at this party today. Ralph said he thinks that Pete might have done that before. Howard asked what he's talking about. Ralph said he didn't flinch when he got the probe.
Howard said about 15 minutes ago he said Gary did a good job with the play by play and now they're goofing on him. Sal said Merry Christmas monkey. Howard said within 5 minutes they're all catching a shit storm. They called it the house of bullies. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said now they can get some predictions from JDini the great prognosticator. Howard said he hates that voice he puts on. JD said he does too. Howard said JDini is a foreseer and a diviner. He said he's a 4 eyed foreseer with a Buddha belly.
Howard said he predicts this is going to suck. JDini said he thinks that was one of the predictions already. Howard kept going with the introduction and giving JDini names. Howard said he is a man who is off the market too. He said he's a great predictor. He was going on and on with the names for JDini. JDini said any time now. He said this is like a roast. Howard said he's an extra large medium and an obese oracle.
Howard asked JDini what his first prediction is. JDini said Steve Gutenberg will become the largest star in America again after every other actor touches a boob. Howard said every actor will be accused of something and Steve will be the only one left. JDini said it was something like that.
Howard asked for another prediction. JDini said he predicts that Scott the Engineer will retire to Florida and a category 20 hurricane will destroy the whole state. Howard and the guys got a laugh out of that one.
JDini predicted that Scott the Engineer will also release his own fragrance called Depression. Howard said go with another one. He didn't like that one. JDini said in addition to espresso Starbucks comes up with a drink for Scott called Depresso. Richard said he should be getting probed while he does this. JDini said he won't be doing that. Howard said JD is unable to read.
Howard said look who's back. Brent returned to the studio. Gary said he has known Elephant Boy for 30 years and he was so angry. He said he was so surprised. Howard said he just had an accident. Gary said everyone wiped but Elephant Boy grabbed it like a baseball and it came out and it was a big brown snowball. He said they talked about it and he got so angry. He said they calmed him down and left it in a good place. Gary said he can't not report what happened.
Howard said Gary is so terrible. Robin said he crapped his pants and went to a public event once though.
Howard said Shuli had a good performance today. Shuli said that Pete was all over the place over there. He said he has never seen Fred the Elephant Boy so mad before. He said he was so pissed at Gary. He said he was saying he's not his punching bag. Gary said they had to chase him down and bring him back.
Howard said they're in the middle of a JDini bit. Gary said he heard that whole conversation about the shrimp. Gary said that refrigerator is his. He said Jason said it's not. Gary said it's the office refrigerator for the 3 people who work in that office. Jason said he had 2 things of unopened artificial crab and some sauces in there. Gary said he's sorry he pissed Jason off in between one of his three lunches. Gary said he brings that stuff in for the week.
Howard said he has more predictions from JDini. Howard asked what he has. JDini said a caller will say Howard is bashing Trump and then a caller will say he's sucking his dick and then Bobo will call and no one will give a shit.
JDini said he can leave if he wants. Howard said he'll be out of there in a minute. JDini predicted that Richard's new baby will become potty trained and that will leave just one person in the Christy household who will wear diapers.
JDini predicted that the minister at Ronnie and Stephanie's wedding will asked if there's anyone who does not object.
Jason said that he skipped a joke about himself. JDini said he was told to skip it. He said he'll go back for Jason though. JDini said a crazed man trying to get into the White House will run into Melania trying to get out.
Howard had more names for JDini and JDini went to his last prediction. JDini said he has 5 left. Howard told him to pick the best one. JDini said he's going to the last one. Howard said go ahead. JDini said that OJ Simpson tracks down the killer. Just kidding, he stabs a bunch of blond hotties. He said Apple will develop an iPhone that cures cancer and Gary calls it a bit of a misstep. Howard said that was okay. Robin wanted one more. She said she wants to end on a high note. JDini said that this is the last time they'll hear from the great JDini. He said that's the last one.
Howard said this was some show today. He said they had so many things going on today. Howard said this didn't go so well though. Howard said no wonder JDini sits by himself at the Christmas party.
Howard asked Jason what he said about Shuli. Jason said if he shows up alone he is party Shuli but if he comes with his wife he sits at a table by himself. Howard asked what's up with that. Shuli said that he does socialize and he's not sure what he's talking about. Jason said he mingles and sees what's going on out there.
Howard said Shuli came over to talk to him one year and he got goofed on for that. Howard said no one wants to sit with him. Shuli said he went up to get food and Howard asked him to sit with him. Howard said The Lump never comes over to talk to him. He asked him to come in. The Lump (Mike Trainor) came in. Robin said he looks like he belongs on Ronnie's lawn. Ronnie cracked up at that. The Lump said he didn't expect to come in the studio today. He was wearing an ugly sweater. Howard said he never says hello to him. The Lump said he talks to him a little bit.
Howard asked The Lump how it is now that Jeff the Drunk has quit the show. The Lump said he's in search of a new person to be a lump on. He said he could be Ralph's berry.
Howard said he wants to wish a merry Christmas to the Angry Political Guy. He had the fake Angry Political Guy come in for a couple of minutes. Fake Angry Political Guy was going off on the Jews and things like that.
Howard said Donnie Enos is there too. He had that guy come in to say a few words. Howard spent a minute taking to him. He played one of his bits where he goes out on the street to interview people.
Howard sang a Christmas song about all of the guys in the studio. He said his favorite guy of all mumbles his way through his day and watches TV. He was singing about JD. He got JD all upset talking about how he's going to talk to him at the party and how he's always going to help him. Howard said one of his buttons just shot off his shirt and almost hit Robin in the eye.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to let them know that this is the best Christmas special he's ever heard. Robin said she knows Gwen Stefani had a special but it wasn't this fun. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said there's nothing better than a live commercial read during a Christmas special. He said he has another one to do.
Jason said he gave the guy at the garage more than Gary did. Gary said he gave him a dollar more than he did. The caller asked if he has a game to play. Howard said Robin has to do one number before they wrap up. He said they're not doing a game today. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said as they close up they're going to have Robin do a number. Howard said she's going to sing ''DO You Hear What I Hear.'' Howard said Benjy is upset with Gary for trashing him. Howard said he might just be trying to get into the studio. Benjy came in and Howard asked if he's really angry. Benjy said he is. He said Jason is such a liar. He said that he doesn't make a scene at the party every year. He said Howard jokes about him being a fucking asshole. Howard said he has worn weird outfits to be noticed. Benjy asked so what. He said he dressed up for a Christmas party 6 years ago. He said they have said he dresses weird every year. Howard said get Benjy out of here.
Gary wanted to ask him a question. He asked Benjy if he had sex at the party in front of employees. Benjy said he has had sex in front of Howard. He said that was over a decade ago. He said he was at a party. He said he wouldn't deny that. He said he wasn't fingering her. He said that's a lie. He said he would admit it if he did.
Howard said fair enough. He said take Benjy for his word. He said Merry Christmas to Benjy. Benjy said Happy Hanukkah. Ronnie said the truth is that he was fingering that girl that year. He took that back a short time later. Robin said maybe they shouldn't have a party. Howard said as they end the year he has to say he's grateful to the staff. He said Benjy is red like a strawberry. He said he's grateful to everyone there. Howard said he's grateful for the job and being able to entertain the masses. Robin said it's the most fun she can have. She said she loves everyone no matter what she says.
Howard said starting next week they're playing the best of 2017 for two weeks. Howard said enjoy that.
Howard said he's going to call on Robin to do her number to close this out. Howard said don't run out because they want to comment on her performance. Howard played her singing ''Do You Hear What I Hear.'' The guys were all laughing at the awful singing. Fred played breaking glass as she was singing high notes.
Howard said lest anyone think that a probe was involved in that it was not. Howard said dogs are barking and glass is breaking. Robin said they said something happened to the equipment. She said when she hit some of those notes the lights went out. Richard said they went through 4 microphones. Howard said that's the end of all of this. He went around the room asking the guys for some thoughts. Brent started to go into a long thing that Howard cut right off. Howard let the guys say a few words before they ended the show.
Howard asked Sal why he didn't do the secret Santa. Sal said he wasn't the only one. Sal said he and Richard didn't do it and Memet didn't either. Howard said that they're not participating. Gary said Sal said funds are tight. Howard said he doesn't have to put a lot into it. Sal said he'd rather give it to someone he knows. Richard said he gave gifts to a lot of people. Howard said just do it. Richard said he didn't know people would be bummed out. Howard said they don't look at anything but themselves.
Howard asked Brent if he has the lube in his ass. Brent said they used a lot and he can still feel it. Gary said it was a lot.
Howard asked Benjy if he wants to say something. Benjy said he has two things. Howard told him to do it quick. Benjy started to go into a long talk about Robin saying something nice about Howard and how he wants her to say something about him. Howard gave up on him and moved on to Fred. Fred said ''Peace and love, peace and love.'' Richard said he skipped him. Richard thanked the fans for the nice cards about his son.
Howard asked if Benjy can keep it short. Benjy started to go on and on again about how much Howard cares so much about the show. He said he stopped to talk to everyone in the office and he felt so warmed by that. Howard said he looks forward to talking to everyone at the party too.
Howard went to Robin who thanked everyone there for what they do every day of the year. Robin thanked the fans who listen too. Benjy threw something in about the audience too. Howard said very good. He said he's grateful to everyone and the audience. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 11:20am.
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Today's show was over around 11:35am.