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Howard started the show talking about how exhausted he is. He said he's ready to go home. He said he even had coffee. He said he's still tired. He had a long day yesterday. He said he'll tell Robin about it off the air. He said he would have called but he was too tired to do that. He said it was just busy and nothing bad.
Robin said she was at a reveal party. Howard asked if she came out of the closet. Robin said no but now what people do is have a party to reveal the sex of their baby and she was at a party for that. Howard asked if she's serious. Robin laughed and said she is. Howard said just have a party. Robin said what they do is have someone get the information and take it to a bakery. Howard said so the parents don't even know. Howard asked why you'd want to learn that with other people. Robin said she doesn't know. Howard asked if this was Simone Dinnerstein. Robin said no, it wasn't her. Howard asked if you bring a gift to the party. Robin said she wasn't sure. She didn't bring one.
Howard asked if this was a group of witches. Robin said she doesn't think so. Robin said they can release balloons and stuff. Howard said don't go if they do that. Robin said they didn't but that's what some people do. Robin said they can have streamers made to reveal the sex of the baby. Howard asked what they're having. Robin said they had a cake and they almost couldn't tell. Robin said it was half blue and half pink. Robin said you couldn't tell what color it was. She said it turns out it's a girl. Howard said everyone is having girls. He said he doesn't know anyone who has boys. Howard said he has 3 himself. He said Billy Joel just had 2 more. Robin said Jimmy Kimmel had a boy. Howard said that's right but he's the only one.
Howard said he hates that people have nothing to do. Howard said boys and bees are dying out. Robin said she thought they were making a comeback. Howard said maybe the boys will too.
Howard said he just saw that Ronnie had a birthday on Saturday. Robin said she missed that. Howard said he's 68 and not 69. Fred had Ronnie yelling out 69 and then changed it to 68. Howard said he was born in 1949. He said he's the oldest head of security in the world. Howard said the big hit song in 1949 was ''Hop Scotch Polka'' by Guy Lombardo. He said gas was 22 cents a gallon and the average yearly salary was $3,600. Howard said the hottest Christmas gift back then was chattering teeth.
Howard said this song was written in 1949. He played Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Howard said Ronnie loves cars and when he was born this is what the commercials sounded like. Howard played a clip of a Lincoln commercial.
Howard played a phony phone call Richard made to a woman using clips of Ronnie yelling out his age. They were looking for a balloon with the number 68 on it. Richard asked the woman to sing to Ronnie but she said her voice would probably kill him. Then Richard had Ronnie tell the woman he'll be 69 next year. He had Ronnie telling her about his panther tattoo and about picking up a bouncy castle to play in for his birthday.
Howard took a call from Ronnie's Mom who was talking about how Ronnie came out of her cunt 68 years ago. Howard said he didn't think about it that way. He said happy birthday to her too. She said she shit him out of her slimy hole. Howard said he has never heard a woman put it that way. She said it was like shitting a bowling ball out of her cunt. Howard laughed. The guys had Ronnie's Mom talking about how it felt. Ronnie's Mom asked if Howard's mom ever talked about him coming out of her snatch. Howard said she never has.
Howard said he heard Ronnie saying that he drove the limo right out of her hole. She said sure. She said if she could pop him back into her cunt she'd birth him all over again. Robin said that's sweet. Ronnie's Mom asked Howard to give Ronnie a big kiss for her. She said right on that big cock she gave him. She also told Robin to shut her fucking hole when she said something to her.
Howard played a song parody that Ronnie sang about himself. Howard said that's a great production. He said they say that 68 is the new disgusting. He said Ronnie is 68 years old. Fred was still playing clips of Ronnie yelling out 68 and 69.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Robin was talking about that reveal party and he saw one of them a few months ago. He said about 50 people stormed the beach and a plane came by pulling a banner saying ''It's a boy.'' Howard said that's people with a lot of money and time to waste. Howard said that's the first time he's heard about a reveal party. He said it's just weird.
Howard said it's fine to celebrate your children but some of this inconveniences people. Robin said she went because she loves these people.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he tried to Baba Booey a news team where he's at up in Maine. He said maybe they'll get that for the show. Howard said if he did it live on air it probably got out.
Howard said he might have a bunch of Baba Booey and Hit 'em with the Hein clips to play. He said he might not be caught up on that. The caller was going on and on about other things he's done on the air. The caller asked if he would ever appear on Ray Donovan since they're shooting in New York next year. Howard said he's not some fucking clown who shows up to do that kind of thing. Howard said he'd rather just watch that show. He said radio guys demean themselves by doing cameos on shows. Howard said you'd see these radio guys show up for like 30 seconds. Robin said they'd be all excited about it and give tons of promotion for very little. Howard said the audience of the radio show is usually bigger than the TV show and it's desperation.
Howard said if it was a great role with just a 2 day shoot or something he'd do it. Howard said he isn't going to do 4 months like he did with his movie. Howard said he felt so protected with that movie. He said Ivan Reitman was great and Betty Thomas was great. He said they were looking out for him. He said if he does a movie they're not going to look out for him. He said he knew they were doing the right thing with the movie. Howard said he would go to Ivan and Betty and tell them not to use something. He said he could go to them and he knew they wouldn't use it if he didn't want them to. Howard said he's not sure what goes on with a real movie.
Howard said he used to fly out to California and they'd all sit there in the editing room talking about stuff. He said he's not sure what it would be like to be in someone else's movie. Howard said he was asked to be in a movie recently but he's not sure how it's going to turn out. Howard said he doesn't need to be in something he's not so sure about. Howard said it would have to be the right situation.
Robin said there's a documentary about Marlon Brando on cable and he talks about his life and the industry and it's amazing. Robin said he says they're not artists, they're sales people and whores. Howard said that he was an asshole. Robin said he made some good points. Howard said that's bullshit. He said that guy was crazy. He said fuck him and his arrogance. Howard said he was a prominent actor and he is an artist. Howard said he did some brilliant roles. He said he was the Godfather and he did other great movies. Robin said he was talking about how some of his decisions were being made by his penis at some points in his life. Robin said it was nice hearing him being so frank and honest. Howard said it's called ''Listen to be Marlon'' and it's on Showtime. Robin said that's right.
Howard said Marlon lost his mind around the time he grew tits. Howard said he got all fat and out of shape after looking good for so long. Howard said if he looked good he'd never let himself go. He said he'd take care of his face and body.
Howard said everything is off on his body. He said even his nose is bad. Robin said it's a nice nose. Howard said he's pretty sure God overlooked this. He asked why he wasn't born to Randy Gerber and Cindy Crawford types.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he was a fan of WKRP in Cincinnati. Howard said no. The caller asked if he could make a movie about that. Howard said he did a movie about radio. He said it was the best movie about radio ever made. Howard said WKRP was nonsense. He said it had nothing to do with radio reality. He said it was a shitty sitcom.
The caller said it would be cool if someone made a more realistic one. Howard said he did that 20 years ago. He said it's been made and it's called ''Private Parts.'' Robin said someone said they just saw it the other day. Howard said he was Johnny Fever and Robin was the Loni Anderson character.
Howard said he was almost Miles August on the radio. He said that the best radio name is Human Newman. Howard said that's the best radio name out there. Howard said he heard of a guy named Dennis Erectus. He said that's an awful name. He said there are other good names like Guy Mann-Dude. He said he went online and tried to find him but there's very little about him out there. Howard said if he changed his name he'd change it to Guy Mann-Dude. He said it doesn't get any better than that.
Gary said he's looking at goofy radio names like Jed the Fish. Howard said he thinks he was on in California on KROQ. Gary said he's correct. Gary said that there's Doug the Slug and DJ Sour Milk. Howard said he doesn't know that one. Gary read off other names like Spaz, Full Metal Jackie, Kid Leo, Kid Craddock and others. Howard said there are a lot of Kids out there. Howard said how about Bubba the Love Sponge. Howard asked what his real name is. Gary said his birth name is Todd Clem.
Fred played some Guy Mann-Dude music. Howard got a headache from it after a few seconds. Howard said he has to take a break. He said he has a lot to get to after that. He said he has a new phony phone call to play so he'll do that as they're going to break. Howard said Fred sent him an email about his complaint that he has never written him a hit song. Howard said Fred sent him one over the weekend but he pointed out that he can't sing. Fred said there are a lot of people who can't sing who have hit songs. Howard said Fred told him that Bob Dylan, Tom Petty and Mark Knopfler weren't great signers. Howard said he's right about some of those. Howard said he thinks Tom Petty could sing.
Howard said Robin was talking to him about her music and how she's going to sing some of the new Divas music. Howard asked when she's going to do that. Robin said sometime this week. Howard said that will be on Wednesday. He got a note about that.
Howard said they called the Angry Political Guy show and promoted Cocktober on his show and he didn't like it. Howard played the call the guys made to Angry Political Guy where Lee Kingsnatch called in and wished him a happy Cocktober. Angry Political Guy wasn't happy about him even mentioning it on his show. He got pissed at Lee yelling at him to never call in again. Then they had fake Angry Political Guy call in and go off on Angry Political Guy. The two of them went at each other for a short time before Angry Political Guy hung up. They went to break after that phony phone call.
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Howard said he is watching the new season of Stranger Things. Howard said he's got the advance of the show. Howard said he has to say as a critic that he was not hopeful that it would be good. He said it's better than the first season. He said he's about 5 or 6 episodes in. Howard got a note saying it's out now. Howard said he thought he was an insider. He said he did have it last week. Howard said it's really good. Robin said she hasn't started it yet. Robin said she liked the first season but she wasn't overwhelmed by it. Howard told her to go home early.
Howard said he'll critique and Robin can stick to singing. Howard said he liked the movie ''Suburbicon'' and it didn't do well. He said it's a quirky movie and it was very good but it only made 2 million at the box office. He said it's very noir.
Howard said he made love to Beth last night. He said there was no 69. He said he showered before that. He said she was showering and he kind of knows what that means. He said she had indicated to him that he might get lucky. He said he thinks that was his treat at the end of the day. Robin said that's nice. Howard said he was getting winded toward the end. He said he thought he was having a heart attack.
Robin said she thought he worked out. Howard said not so much these days. Howard said imagine he dies banging. He asked what's better than that. Robin said she's not sure how that would leave Beth. Howard said he thinks she could push him off.
Howard said he loves that woman so much. He said they have so much fun. He said that she's his best friend. Robin said she was reading an article in the NY Times recently. Howard said Robin is in love with him. Robin said of course she loves him. Howard said she wants him. Robin said she loves him tremendously. Howard said she must think about what it would be like if he mounted her. Robin said no. Howard said if he had asked would she have given herself to him. Robin said no. Howard asked if that's true. Robin said she would be laughing too hard. Howard said she's probably right.
Howard asked Fred what happened to him because he was A-sexual and then he met his wife. Fred said he's not sure but he had a lot of things he had to get straight in his life and he didn't want to bring a woman into that. Howard asked if he was jerking off at that point. Fred asked what he thinks. Howard said he doesn't think he was. Fred said he was. Robin said she knows Fred is heterosexual. She said that he revealed that he would have been a male dancer if he had to do it all over again. Fred said he was saying a male ballet dancer. Fred said you get to hang out with the hottest chicks. Ward said he thinks about that. He said his mother wanted him to take ballet lessons. He said he would have been ripped and you get to hang out with hot chicks. Howard said he knows what Fred is saying.
Howard asked why he wouldn't have a shotgun because you're less likely to miss. Howard said that can blow a hole in someone. Howard said maybe a Remington pump shotgun. He said he doesn't own one but that would be his strategy. He said maybe a Glock if you're going to get a hand gun. Howard said the 19 is good but a 26 is smaller. Howard said he doesn't know. He said call the NRA because they'll give a recommendation.
Jorge said that George Takei is wrong about his pronunciation of Aqua. He said they do use the G. Howard said George is out of his mind. Robin said she knew he was out of his mind. Howard said everyone is calling him for a gun recommendation. Howard said he's a defender of the second amendment. He said he thinks it's important. Howard said no one in Germany had a gun in World War II. He said they could have killed that prick early on. Howard said when a government goes out of control then you need guns. Howard said the way things are going we might have a civil war. Howard said that's why you need a gun. Howard said if that happens he'll be hiding in the jungle.
Howard said this guy asking about the gun doesn't even know how to shoot it. Robin said that they don't even have light over there right now. Robin said he has to go to some agency but they're closed. Howard said that's right Robin. Robin said he's not getting a permit. Robin said it's too late for that.
Howard asked if anyone wants to hear Mariann from Brooklyn yell before he moves on. Howard took a call from Mariann who said she saw Beth on Megyn Kelly's show. Howard said you don't have to give a book report on Beth. Mariann asked if he found her sexy in her cat outfit. Howard said he did. Howard hung up on Mariann before Fred could even play her off. Howard said he loves that woman but Jesus... Howard played a song parody about Mariann after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's out of his mind thinking that having guns would have changed World War II. He said that it wouldn't have saved the Jews. Howard said he doesn't want to argue about this. The caller said that he's talking about how the Jews were led to slaughter and they couldn't have defended themselves. He said that it's anti-Semitic saying that they could have done something. Howard said the Israelis have a great army now and they could have if they had guns. Howard hung up on the guy. Howard said everyone is so fucked up.
Howard said just listen to him and his opinions. He said he seems to know what's going on. Robin asked how stupid people can understand his brilliance. Howard said that's the problem.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said it's funny that Howard is anti-Semitic. Howard said he's not sure what's going on there. Ralph said he liked Stranger Things season 1. He said he made it to the third episode of season 2 and he's bored. Howard said he loves it. He said in general terms the story is great. He said they shoot it great and it's great being back in time. Ralph asked who cares. Howard said if he tells you something is good that's it. He said the second season is better than the first. Howard asked why you would debate that.
Robin said please stop putting spoilers in the news for people who are watching at different times. Howard said right to that. Robin said she just found out something that she didn't want to know. She said it was a headline. Robin said it's FOX Business Network or something that spiled it.
Howard said Robin used to spoil shows all the time but she has figured it out. Howard said they got her to stop with that.
Howard said they had a caller earlier who mentioned a Baba Booey shout out. He said he has a few to play. Howard said they had a guy yell out Baba Booey during a live news report in Philly. Howard played that and the news reporter was on the street and the guy ran up and got in a Baba Booey and said he misses Captain Janks.
Howard said that some guys from Solar Roast coffee were doing an interview and got out a Baba Booey mention during their appearance on the news. Howard said this is very exciting.
Howard said they had a sports anchor give a Baba Booey while playing some college softball highlights. Howard played that clip next.
Howard played a clip during a news report about President Trump where someone got in a Baba Booey. Howard played that and then another clip where a guy prank called a show live on the air and got in a Baba Booey and Howard Stern's penis. The people on the show didn't have anything to say to that.
Howard said he's not a big fan of the Howard Stern's penis thing but he does love it when it stops a whole show. Robin said it's fun.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Kevin Spacey and about President Bush's ass grabbing. Howard said it's really disturbing. Howard said it's a weird thing. He said that the Harvey Weinstein thing is really weird. He said that Annabella Sciorra is claiming that Harvey raped her. Howard said that it's some story. He said the whole thing sounds horrible for both of them. Howard said he can't have any self esteem after that. Howard said it's sickening. Howard said every day there are new accusations coming out. Robin said that the George HW Bush thing is that he was running around patting women on the butt. Howard said he used to admire him for staying with the same woman after 70 years. Robin said she never bought that. Howard said most people didn't.
Howard said he was reading about a guy who claims when he was 14 Kevin Spacey was hitting on him. Howard said they say in the news that he picked him up and put him on a bed. He said that Kevin is now saying that he doesn't remember doing it to this kid and he's saying that he's sorry if it did happen. Robin said she was reading that something happened to Tony Goldwyn too. Robin said he's one of the stars of Scandal. Howard said no one has ever come on to him sexually or inappropriately. Howard said no one ever looked at him and said they want him.
Howard said he has Harvey on the phone. He had fake Harvey audio clips talking about creepy stuff he's done. Howard said he has never heard of someone being cured in 3 weeks. Howard spent a minute talking to the clips.
Howard said all of the weirdos are coming out of the woodwork now. Howard said people are wondering why this is breaking now. He said there's a guy named Lance Walnow who claims that God is picking them off because they were against Trump. Howard played a clip of this guy Lance talking about that.
Howard said that Bill O'Reilly was on Trump's side. Howard said that doesn't make sense. Howard said these guys make up stories like this. He said just listen to this. Howard said he's saying God was pissed off because he was into Trump and now he's pissed and exposing these people. Robin said that's a lot of micro managing by God. Howard said he let it go on for 30 years but then he decided it was wrong. Robin said he also let Puerto Rico happen.
Howard said this Stacey Dash was so cute in the movie Clueless. Howard said she was on a show talking about how she's not going to play the blame game with what men have done to her. She said she's a different person now and men are going to approach her in a different way. Howard said she's saying that women who were raped are sending out a signal and they're asking for it. Howard said he's glad she explained that to him. Howard said that's mind boggling. Robin said she comes out on the wrong side of every argument.
Howard had a clip of a congresswoman blaming sexual assault on women being too inviting. Howard played a clip of this woman Eddie Bernice Johnson talking about that. She said you can have behavior that's inviting and she thinks that's the responsibility of the female. Howard said she's another whacko.
Howard said that's fucked up. He said that there's another guy talking about women wearing sexually attractive clothing being a sexual assault on men. Howard played that clip and laughed as the guy gave his thoughts on that. The guy said that a chemical reaction happens when men see a half naked woman and they have no control over that.
Howard said that's like blaming kids for a pedophile's behavior. Howard said he's making an argument for women being forced to wear a burka. Howard said that's what we're fighting against. He said he does get pleasure of seeing women naked but he's not jumping out of his car and going after them.
Howard said he has a guy arguing that if a man dressed provocatively then it would be a different story. The guy said there would be sexual harassment calls over that. He asked why it's not sexual assault when women do it. Howard asked why these guys are defending these people who harass women.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him to stop picking up on Mariann. Howard said it's fun once in awhile. The caller said she's like the female version of Bobo. Howard said she comes up with something good once in awhile.
The caller asked if he has any games to play. Howard said he's not sure. He doesn't have anything to give away. The caller said he'd play for a Flat Ronnie. Gary said he has some games to play. He had a few choices and the caller picked a Bigfoot game. Howard said he has to take a break and then he'll get Craig back on and play the game. They went to break after that.
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Howard played a song parody about Bigfoot and said it's time for the Bigfoot Game. Howard said Craig thinks he's know Bigfoot. He has to get 3 out of 5 right to win the Flat Ronnie. He said that he can do a lot with Ronnie like take him on vacation and things like that.
Howard said that he has a test question first. He said they asked Bigfoot to spell the name ''Mark.'' That's his own name. Craig said he has to know that. Howard said he must be able to do that. Robin said she thinks that someone spent a lot of time with him on that so yes he can. Howard played Bigfoot spelling it correctly.
Howard said that they asked Bigfoot to spell the word ''He.'' Howard asked if he'll get that. Craig said he thinks that he'll fuck that up. Howard played Bigfoot's answer which was ''I don't know. DAT?''
Howard said they asked Bigfoot to spell ''dog.'' Howard said he knows how to spell that. He did that for Robin. Howard asked Craig what he thinks. Craig said he thinks he'll get that one. Howard played Bigfoot spelling dog ''BAT.'' Craig missed that one.
Howard said they asked Bigfoot to spell ''cat'' next. Craig said he has to get that one wrong. Howard said he's back to his theory that he doesn't know shit. Howard played Bigfoot spelling cat ''CAT.'' Howard said he got it right. Howard said that means Craig is wrong.
Howard said they asked Bigfoot to spell ''up'' next. Howard asked Craig what he thinks will happen. Craig said he can't spell it. Howard played Bigfoot spelling the word up ''UP.'' Howard said he got it right again. He said Craig missed that. Howard said he got 3 wrong and 1 right so he can't win. He said they have to say goodbye to Craig. Howard said that they can't give him the prize. Howard asked him to spell ''Bye.''
Howard said he was rooting for Craig. He said it just shows you. Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn is happy about that because he didn't like her calling in. Mariann said she's a giver and not a taker. She went off on him calling Craig a loser and other things. Fred played Mariann off with loud music. Howard said they're playing her off with the orchestra. Mariann was still there screaming as Fred played the music over her.
Howard said he still has more game left and the Flat Ronnie. Howard asked if Robin thinks he can spell car. Robin said yes. Bigfoot spelled it ''CAT.'' Howard said it's not an easy game.
Howard took a call from a guy named Eugene and asked if he wanted to play. Eugene said sure he would. He said he's from Kentucky. He was very hard to understand. Eugene said when they have a reveal party they shoot the shotgun once for a girl and twice for a boy.
Howard asked what Eugene does for a living. Eugene said he's a collie dog farmer. He said he does alright doing that. Howard asked if his favorite show is Hee Haw. Eugene naw, he doesn't like that shit. Howard asked if he has a wife. Eugene said he does. Howard asked if he has any hot cousins. Eugene said he does. Howard asked if his wife talks like him. Eugene said it's not as strong as his accent. He said it's closer to the city.
Eugene said that he loves his show. He said that he loves Richard and his dad. Howard asked if he makes moonshine. Eugene said he does. He said that's what they make. He said it sets your mouth on fire. Robin asked why they like making it so much. Eugene said it's more like a craft. He said it's like being handed down stuff from your dad and his dad and his dad's dad.
Howard said maybe he'll just give him the Flat Ronnie without playing the game. Eugene said he can set it up as a target for shooting. Howard asked what kind of guns he has. Eugene told Howard some of the stuff he has. He said he has a pistol that takes shotgun shells. He said you can't miss with that. Howard asked if he can send a video of him shooting Flat Ronnie. Eugene said he will have to have his granddaughter do that for him. He doesn't know how to do that.
Howard asked if they have Jews down there. Eugene said he doesn't know. Howard asked if he has ever seen a yarmulke down there. Eugene said he hasn't. Robin asked if he's ever been to a bar mitzvah. Eugene said he's never been to a bar where they have Jews either.
Howard said he'll get him one of those Flat Ronnie's. He said that they might have to send it to his daughter because she's in the city. He said it's harder to get stuff to him where he lives. He said he has to go to the post office once a week or so. He said he has had indoor plumbing for about 12 years now.
Howard asked if he has ever seen two guys holding hands out there. Eugene said he saw it once in Lexington, Kentucky. He said they were walking to the game and he saw two boys holding hands. He said he doesn't care what they do but he felt kind of weird seeing it for the first time. Howard said in New York you see it all the time. Eugene said he's not going to New York.
Howard said they're going to crown Miss Cocktober next. Howard told Eugene to stay tuned for that. Eugene asked if they have women with cocks coming in. Howard said they do. Howard said he wishes he could show him the feed so he could judge the contest. Eugene asked how you know it's a girl.
Howard told Eugene that you can check out pics of the girls on HowardStern.com. Eugene said that he'll get that up when he sees his daughter at Thanksgiving. He said he doesn't have a compute where he lives. Howard asked if he has TV. Eugene said he does but it's DirecTV. Howard told him to hang on for his Flat Ronnie.
Robin asked if he was real. Howard said as far as he knows he was. Howard said they're going to take a breather and then crown Miss Cocktober. Howard said that's the culmination of all of the Cocktober events. Howard said they have the hottest chick with the nicest cock. Howard said he has a list of judges for that. He said they have Robin Quivers, Fred Norris, Baba Booey, JD Harmeyer, Brent, Ronnie and no Benjy. Howard said he'll only throw the whole event off. Howard said Benjy can be the tie breaker if they have one. Howard said he's going to stay out of this one. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said this is a great song. He sang along with the Bowie song a little bit. Howard said as much as he loves this he has to get to the big event. He said it's time to crown Miss Cocktober. He had a theme song for the pageant. Howard said it's sponsored by no one.
Howard said that this is the moment. Robin said look at their judges. Howard said it's sad. Howard said he has Ronnie in there. Ronnie said it's time to get this shit started. Howard said this is what all of Cocktober leads up to. He said this is going to be the crowning of Miss Cocktober 2017. He said it's just a pure beauty contest. Howard said it has nothing to do with intelligence.
Howard said they have 4 stars competing to be Miss Cocktober. He said they all identify as women even though they have cocks. Howard said he has Robin there with Fred as a judge as well. Howard introduced them and then moved on to Brent Hatley who was wearing judges robes. Brent said it's an honor to be a judge. Howard said Ronnie is there too. Howard asked what he has to say. Ronnie said ''Lets get the dicks out here.'' Howard said he must be confused about this because they're hot chicks but they have dicks.
Howard said Gary Dell'Abate is in as a judge too. Howard said he's wearing an outfit too. Gary said that he is ready to be confused. He said he's looking for straight beauty. He said he's looking for what turns him on. Howard said he's judging on beauty and the beautiful cock too.
Howard said their last judge is JD Harmeyer. Howard asked what he has to say. JD said ''Lets get this over with.'' Ronnie asked if the girl is beautiful but has an ugly cock then what. Howard said he'll tell him about that. Howard said it's a legitimate question. He said you give a score on beauty and then on cock. He said it's two different scores. Howard said it's the combined score.
Howard asked who is keeping score. Gary said they have people out there keeping score. Howard asked if they're going to hand him an envelope. Gary said they will.
Howard said he's going to have each contestant in one at a time. He said they'll then rate them on their look and their cocks. Howard said they're going to have Jon Hein and Jason Kaplan keeping track of the scores out there. Howard said that they say that trans porn is the biggest thing out there since 1998.
Howard had the first contestant come in. Her name was Valentina Mia. Howard said she looks like a woman. Howard asked Valentina if anyone knows she used to be a guy. Valentina said they don't know unless she whips it out. Howard asked if she's going to get the transition. Valentina said she is some day. She said she is saving up for it. She said she's also waiting for the better technology to get it done. She said it's like 10-15 grand to get it done. She said that they're working on ways to self lube and not grow hair inside of you. Howard said he never thought about that. He said he barely has a cock and he thinks if he was trans he'd look like he has a clit. Howard asked if it's best to have a big cock or not. Valentina said it is better to have a bigger one.
Howard asked Valentina about when she knew she wanted to be a girl. Valentina said that she was pretty young. Howard said she's 5'5'' and 115 pounds with a 34 B. Valentina said she's been on hormones and she has big boobs that are natural. Howard asked what Valentina does with her cock. Valentina said that there is Viagra and hot men. She said that usually guys bang her in the ass. Valentina said she will bang guys in her life too. She said that she loves turning men on. Howard asked if she's with women at all. Valentina said she's with men. Robin asked if the men are gay or straight. Valentina said that she says they're straight. She said that straight guys love cock and they'll blow her. She said they are obsessed with cock.
Howard said JD is looking at her like a fish filet. JD said she's hot. Gary said he's not sure how a guy getting banged in the ass is straight.
Howard said Valentina played lineman and linebacker in high school football. Valentina said she grew up in Texas so that's what kids do. She said she was on the football team. Howard asked if she was tough on the team. Valentina said she was. She said she was very tough. Valentina said she wished she could go in the showers but she knew she'd get too hard.
Howard said she came out one and a half years ago and she's been on hormones. Valentina said that her dad came around and calls her his daughter now. Howard said she has a masters in economics too. Howard said she's very educated. Robin asked what she does for a living. Valentina said she's a porn star. She laughed at that. Valentina said that she's doing pretty well with what she's doing.
Robin said she thinks that Howard is spending a lot of time with Valentina because he's into her. Howard said yes he is. Ronnie let out a ''yeah!'' when he heard that. Howard asked if Valentina has ever been with a man who thought that he was a woman and he found out grabbing his cock. Valentina said not in Texas. She said it's too dangerous.
Howard said he's going to ask Robin for her score. Robin said she's going to give Valentina an 8. Fred said he's giving her a 9. He said she's very feminine. Howard asked what Gary is giving her. Gary gave her a solid 8. Howard asked Brent Hatley for his score. Brent gave her a 7.5. Howard said give her a 7 or 8. Brent went with a 7. Brent said he likes his girls thicker like JD. Howard asked Ronnie what he's going to give her. Ronnie said he's been looking close and her feet and hands and legs and arms are a girl. He said her face is beautiful and he sees a bit of an Adam's apple when she talks. She said she has a trick to hold it up by holding her tongue to the roof of her mouth. Ronnie gave her a solid 9. Howard asked JD for his score. JD said he sometimes likes his women thicker but not this time. He gave her a 9 too. He said at least a 9.
Howard said they can check out Valentina at OnlyFans.com/VousValentina. Howard asked her to show her cock next. Howard said that's kind of tiny there. Howard said she has balls too. Gary asked to see it again. Ronnie said it looks like Sal's cock. Howard said JD would blow her in a second. Gary said if she was in the line up he may not have been able to pick out Sal's cock.
Howard said now they have to judge her cock. Robin said she's not sure how to do this. Gary said he's going to start off. He said penis wise he doesn't like the uncircumcised thing. He said he's going to give it a 5. Brent gave her a 5 as well. Ronnie went with 5 and Robin went with a 5 too. Howard said Fred is the voice of reason and he gave her a 5 too. Howard asked JD. JD said he's giving it a 6. Robin said she would give Sal a 1.
Howard said that cock is going away so you can say bye-bye to that. Howard said she's a beautiful woman. Howard said this is some contest. Ronnie said it's awesome. He said it's just different. Howard asked if Ronnie is trying to figure out if he would do her. Ronnie said you walk right up to her at a bar. He said there's no question about that.
Howard said their next contestant is Brittany Bendz (@BrittanyBendz). They had an intro for her. She's also in the porn industry. Brittany said that she's in the porn business but no one really enjoys that. She said that they have to do other stuff to make money. Howard gave her some plugs and said you can find her on Facebook under her name Brittany Bendz.
Howard said she has a 34D breasts and he wondered if they're real or implants. She said that's for her to know. Howard asked about her mother and how she was an escort. She said she was an escort and that's how she met her idiot father. She said they're probably watching FOX News now. She said they're really conservative.
Howard asked Brittany if kids were mean to her in school. Brittany said not really. She said she grew up in California so they were reasonable. She said she stayed home until she was 23. Howard said she lost her virginity to a woman. Howard said she is a woman who used to be a guy who is into guys and girls. Brittany said that's it. Howard asked how much money she's made from guys and what the most was in one night. Brittany said she was paid 10 grand one time. She said that she's up for anything when they pay her that kind of money. Howard asked if a guy bangs her in the ass. Brittany said they mostly go downtown. She said she's able to get an erection. She said that the boner still happens.
Howard asked if they can see her cock before getting to the scoring so they can save some time. Brittany said that you can't unsee it. Howard said she has to undo a lot of belts there. She said she has a rumble later. Howard said her cock is very tiny. Brittany said that he's telling all of New York. Howard said he'd think that a small cock is best for a trans. Brittany said that some like it big and some don't.
Howard said he's going to get the scores now. Howard asked Robin for her score. Robin said she's going to give her a score of 6 for looks and a 4 for the cock. Howard asked Brittany what she's drinking this morning. She said it's a little Smirnoff. She said she's not doing anything like flying a plane after this. Howard said if he had to show his cock he'd be drinking and doing heroin. Howard asked Fred for his score. Fred said he's giving her a 6 for looks and a 3 for penis. Howard went to JD next. JD gave her a 6 for looks and a 4 for the cock. Gary gave her a 6 and 6 for penis too. Gary said it's nicely sculpted. Howard asked Brent for his score. Brent gave her a 6 for looks and a 3 for the cock. Ronnie gave her a 5 and 5.
Howard wished Brittany luck. Howard said that next up they have Venus Lux. Howard played her an intro too. Howard asked where she came up with that name. She said that she came up with it. Howard said she should change it to her legal name. Venus said when she becomes famous maybe she will. Howard said she's 5'10'' with 34C breasts. She said they're implants. She said she's keeping her cock. Robin asked if she's with men. She said she's fluid so she's with everyone. She said she will make love to women, men and transsexuals. Howard said she lost her virginity at 13 to a man. She knew she wanted to be a woman at 19.
Howard asked Venus about how she knew how to be a trans. She said she learned from another trans who taught her. She said she was on hormones but she gave that up because it was messing with her. Howard said he read that trans porn is a huge thing now. Howard asked what is happening now. Venus said she's been seeing that genre growing over the years. Howard asked what kind of plot they have in the trans porn. Venus said she shoots a lot with women. She said it's like Lesbian porn but without a strap on. She said her's is attached. Howard asked if she's uncircumcised. She said she is.
Howard said you can follow her @VenusLux on Twitter. Howard gave her some plugs and asked if she works out hard to stay this thin. She said she's Asian so it doesn't take much to stay this thin. Robin asked how coming out was for her parents. Venus said that it was tough on them in the beginning. She said now she has a level of respect so it's okay.
Howard asked if she can show her cock. Venus showed it and she said she knows she's not trimmed. Robin said this might be the first Asian cock they've seen. Howard said it might be. Howard asked for the scores from Fred first. Fred gave her a 7 for looks and a 7 for her cock. Howard asked Gary next. Howard said he's licking his huge lips. Howard said that could mean a high score... or very low. Gary gave her a 8 for looks and a 5 for the cock. Howard asked Robin for her score. Robin gave Venus an 8 on looks and a 6 for her cock. Howard said if he knew math he'd know what that adds up to. Howard asked Ronnie for his score next. Ronnie gave her a 8 for looks and a 5 for cock. Howard asked Brent for his score. Brent gave her a 9 for looks and a 6 for her cock. Howard said Ronnie has given every cock a 5 so far. Howard said Brent is a big fan of cocks. He said this is turning into a real race. JD gave her an 8 and a 7 for cock. Howard said look at what's going on here. Howard thanked Venus and gave her some plugs for her stuff.
Howard said that they have one more contestant. Howard asked who will win. He had the intro for the next contestant who is Mia Isabella. Howard said look at you. He said she is over the top. Howard said she looks like Jessica Rabbit. Howard said she has very big breasts. She said she thinks they're 34DD. Howard asked how she came to the decision to get such big breasts. She said she had to work her way up to that size. Howard asked if she started with a B. She said she started with a C. She said 6 years ago she moved up to the D. Howard said she's 5'5'' tall and 1115 pounds and she's uncircumcised. Howard asked if she ever thought of getting that done. Mia said she has not. She said she's comfortable in her own skin. Howard said if you cut off your dick you could be in trouble because maybe she'd lose those guys who are looking for chicks with dicks.
Howard said Mia went to a fashion institute. She then got into porn. Mia said she opened her own store when she was 20 and she loved doing that. She said she was married to a guy and she was engaged a couple of times too. Howard said then porn comes along. She said she had done it for a day when she was 19 but then she missed the attention and went back to it later. She said she got back into it and now she's retired from porn. She said she still has a web site that she shoots for.
Howard asked Mia what she likes getting done to her. She said she likes getting her ass eaten. Howard asked if she likes sitting on a guy's face with a guy sticking his tongue up there. She said she odes. Howard said if anyone ever put their tongue up his asshole they'd throw up. Howard asked if she ever worries that doody will be back there. Mia said she's very clean back there.
Howard said they have to get scores from everyone for Mia. He said they have to see her cock first. She said when she's hard she's 10 inches so this is hard to do. She showed her cock and she was fluffing it according to Robin. Howard said you have to allow a woman to fluff her cock out.
Howard gave Mia some plugs for her web site Mia-Isabella.com and she got in more than he had. Howard said try to make it easy when you're in social media. Howard said it's impressive that her cock grows to 10 inches. He said he likes a woman with 10 inches.
Howard said it's time to get the scores. Howard said that he's going to go to Ronnie first. She revealed that she had an ass implant done. She said there are a lot of health risks with that. She said she wouldn't recommend it. Ronnie gave her a score of 7 for her looks and her cock. Howard said that's a very big cock score. Howard said that's the first time he went above a 5. Ronnie said she has a nice cock. Howard went to Gary next. Gary gave Mia a 7 and a 6 for cock. Brent gave her a 10 on looks. Brent explained that and then gave her a score of 7 on the cock. Howard asked Robin for her score. Robin gave her a 7 on looks and a 7 on her cock. Howard asked Fred for his score. He gave her a 6 on looks but an 8 on cock. Howard asked JD for his score. JD said he's giving her a 10 on beauty and an 8 for her penis.
Howard said that this is a grueling competition. Howard said to be crowned Miss Cocktober they have to add up the scores. Howard said he thinks that all of them are beautiful. Howard said he thinks that all cock is beautiful too. Howard said he's going to be handed the envelope right now. He said that he has the winner in there. Howard asked Jon Hein what he thinks about this contest. Jon said they had 4 fabulous contestants. He said the voting was very close. Howard said it is. Brittany didn't think so. Howard said she's not taking it seriously. Brittany said she's just having fun.
Howard said hopefully they won't have a mishap like they did on the Oscars. Howard said this was very close. He said coming in as number one and Miss Cocktober is... Mia Isabella. Howard said she has her crown on now. Howard said Gary is putting her sash on too. Howard asked how she feels. Mia said she feels fantastic. Howard said the other girls are shooting daggers at her. Howard said that Brent is proposing to her now. Mia quickly said no to him.
Howard asked Mia what she has to say to everyone. She gave a short speech about being brave and how some day they may be Miss Cocktober. Howard asked the girls if they wanted to congratulate her. Venus said she liked her dick. Howard said all of the girls were great. Howard said that it's time for him to sing the Miss Cocktober song. Howard sang it for the contestants.
Gary asked if the contestants will hook up with each other. Some of them were saying that they would. Howard said he's so glad Gary asked that question. Howard gave the contestants their plugs and wrapped up. They went to break after that.
Here are some of the contestant's plugs:
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Howard said he has a big fan of Miss Cocktober, Harvey Weinstein. He picked up and the guys played clips of fake Harvey talking about the pageant. Fake Harvey said he doesn't care that they had dicks and he would have harassed them too. He said he was taught by his father that a hole is a hole. Howard said they should take away his phone privileges at the rehab center. Harvey said no and that he has to go.
Howard said what a day it's been. He said he's worn out from that contest. Robin said there was some controversy after the contest. Howard said Miss Cocktober said she won on the cock scores. Howard said he thought number 1 was going to win but the judges surprised him. Howard said they had different thoughts than he did. Robin said she thought the cocks would stand on their own. Howard said he would have given higher scores to smaller cocks. He said that the judges did their thing and did it well. Robin said in the next year they should figure out how the cocks should be judged. Robin said she thought Venus was the greatest beauty. Howard said Robin is still living it.
Howard said he wants to mention that Fats Domino died. Howard said he was a big deal rock star back in the day. Robin said he was an early pioneer of Rock and Roll. Howard said he has some of his music to play. He played a song parody about Robin to one of his songs. Howard said that was his great hit ''Robin I'm Walkin.'' Howard said he read his obituary and he's trying to remember which songs he wrote. Robin said she loved him as she was growing up. Howard said he didn't really get into music until the Beatles. Robin said she loved early radio because they played everything on the same station.
Howard said he was shocked to learn he was even alive. Robin asked how old he was. Howard said he was in his 80s.
Robin started her news with a cock story. Robin said that you always remember sports injuries to the penis. Robin said in Spain a soccer player had his penis sliced open by a cleat. Howard said he must not have had a cup on. Robin said he was trying to jump for a header. Howard said remind him not to jump for a header. Howard said that game ended in a tie too so it was all for nothing. Robin said this guy had to get 12 stitches in his penis.
Robin read a story about these men who are being accused of sexual assault and some of them are apologizing. Robin asked what the proper apology is for that. Robin said there seems there is no apology good enough. Robin said that if you know that you'll be outed then come forward on your own. Howard said it's like Hitler apologizing. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked if anyone wants to hear from Jeff the Drunk because he's promoting his film. Robin asked who wants to hear that. Howard said he'll let him do it. Jeff said that it's only 4 words. He said don't play him off or nothing. Fred played him off with the loud music. Jeff started to plug but he told Fred not to play it. He said Google ''American Pirate.'' Fred played him off again. Howard said he should have hurried that up. Jeff got in ''Vimeo'' too. Howard had Jeff's Lump on the phone too. The Lump said that you should watch anything but Jeff's shitty movie. He said his movie sucks. Howard said he Googled Pirates and nothing came up. Jeff said Google ''American Pirates Vimeo.com'' Robin asked if this is someone taking advantage of someone on the show. Howard said they know that he's going to call in and plug the movie over and over. Howard thanked Jeff for the call. He let Jeff go and Jeff told The Lump to die. He said he already removed him.
Robin got back to her news and read about how there's more about Harvey Weinstein in the news. Robin said the latest movie that the Weinstein company released made just $742. Howard said that's a few more than Jeff's movie. Howard said talk about being on a down swing. Howard said they'll redeem anyone in Hollywood if they make a good movie. Robin said almost any movie can make $742. Howard said he's never heard of such a thing. Robin said it was in 10 locations and that's a 2 week haul. Howard said talk about losing it. Robin said things are tough.
Robin said she used to read these plots to kill Castro all the time. Robin said they wanted to kill him so badly but none of their plans ever worked. Howard said these guys are so good at pulling off these assassinations. He said they're experts. Robin said with Castro they lost their minds. Robin said these are revelations from the Kennedy files. Robin said they will only feed the conspiracy theories. Robin had some details about the Castro stuff that they revealed. Robin read some of the plots they had to kill Castro and they were crazy ideas that they never followed through on.
Robin read a story about how a big alcohol conglomerate is looking to get into the marijuana business. Robin said it's the company that makes Corona beer. Robin said they're looking into selling marijuana. Robin said most of the companies doing it now are little mom and pop places. Robin said they're going to make it look nice and all of that. Howard said look at George Clooney. He said he just made a billion dollars making tequila. Howard said he wouldn't want to be in that business. He said he doesn't want to be involve with something that people get addicted to. Howard said he's sure he could have put out a tequila or something. Robin said she's sure someone would want a Howard Stern marijuana. Howard said he sees so many people who are fucked up from drinking. He said he's not against it but he wouldn't want to be in a business like owning a football team where guys are getting their heads bashed in. Robin said there are things that people use marijuana for that are medical. Howard said he doesn't know. He had to do a live commercial read. Robin read a story about a father and son who overdosed on opioids and that led to Howard talking about his dad and how he didn't have a relationship with his dad like that. Howard said his dad was never that close to him. Robin said that a lot of these tennis players had their parents coaching them. She said that she wishes she had something like that. Howard did his live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Kathy Griffin and this thing that she put out. Robin said she's accusing Harvey Levin and Andy Cohen of having it in for women. Robin had some audio of Kathy playing Harvey Levin calling her and giving his number out. Kathy claimed she did that because he had her personal number. Robin said maybe she thinks he had a lot to do with people coming after her after the beheading thing. Gary said she claimed that she didn't get why he was promoting every day which of her appearances were canceled every day. Robin said she claims she's ended up on a no fly list and on a FBI list. Robin said she claims it's become incredibly inconvenient to fly. Robin said then she turned her attention to Andy Cohen. Robin had Howard play that too. Kathy claimed that Andy asked her to do coke before her appearances on his show. She said it was just the two of them in the room. Howard said he's never done coke or offered it to a guest. Howard said if he was back stage he might say no thanks but thanks for asking. Howard asked where Kathy is. Gary said she was going to come in after everything went down but then she canceled. He said he checks in with her and tells her that they're there if she needs them. Howard said he wants to know what's going on with her. Howard said he thinks he read that Andy is denying offering her coke. Robin said Andy is replacing her on that show she used to do with Anderson Cooper. Howard said if he was her he'd just go back to work and do those shows. Howard said no one cares about that Trump head thing. Howard said the name of her comedy tour is called ''Laugh Your Head Off'' which is funny to him.
Robin read a story about Rose McGowan and how she's speaking publicly now about the Harvey Weinstein thing. Howard played a clip of Rose speaking at some event about what happened to her. She said it's time to clean house. Robin said she was at a women's convention in Detroit.
Howard took a call from Craig the guy who played the Bigfoot game. Craig asked if he gave that Flat Ronnie to that hillbilly after he went through all of that trouble. Howard said he's going to give him one. Robin said he shouldn't but Howard did it anyway.
Howard took a call from Ralph Cirella who said that the line of the day was from the redneck guy who said ''You got a girl up there with a cock?'' like he'd never heard of it before. Ralph said that Kathy is blaming everyone for her own mistake too. He said she gave out Harvey Levin's personal number. He said that trump thing was in poor taste and it wasn't funny. He said now she's fucked up Harvey Levin's life. Howard said they have to get her in there to find out what's going on. Ralph said they do because she's finally interesting.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone to talk about the Kathy Griffin thing. Sour Gary was clearing his throat and talking about Captain Janks and some things he did in the past. Howard said Sour's stories are shorter than Gary's real stories. They had a song parody with Gary clearing his throat to the tune of the ''Curb Your Enthusiasm'' theme.
Robin read a story about a new controversy about getting rid of statues based on how people lived 150 years ago. Robin said a church in Alexandria, Virginia is getting rid of a George Washington statue because they think it's divisive and makes some people think that they're not invited. Howard said he never liked statues anyway. He said he finds it creepy. Howard said George Washington was our greatest president. Howard said we would have been fucked if he had said yes to being crowned king. Howard said they can keep that statue. Robin said he did have slaved. Howard said that's true and he's against that but he's still for keeping that statue. Robin said if we examined everyone's background we could have no statues. Howard said she's right. Howard did a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin read a story about two Hawaiian sailors being back on dry land after being lost at sea for 5 months. Robin said they were sailing from Hawaii and they were trying to sail to Tahiti. Robin said a storm damaged the ship's engine and drove them off course. Robin said they were rescued by a ship on Wednesday. Howard said he never wants to be on a boat. He said there's nobody out there. He said no one sees you. He said it's so boring on the boat. Howard said stick to dry land. He said he's on dry land 100 percent of the time. Howard said he hates boats. He said he'd never go on a cruise. Robin said this was two women and their two dogs. Howard asked why subject your dogs to that? Robin said they said they had eaten 90 percent of their food supply when they were rescued. Howard asked if they had a walkie talkie kind of thing. Robin said their engine died so they didn't have power. Robin said she was afraid that they would have eaten their dogs. Howard wondered if they went to town on each other. Robin said one of the women was about to give up hope. Robin said the women do want to try the trip again next spring. Howard said what a waste of time.
Robin read a story about how teachers are suffering from on the job stress. Howard said he used to blame himself for being a bad student but he's blaming the teachers now. Howard said he's smart. He said his teachers ignored him. Robin said she had wonderful teachers. Howard said no one mentored him. He said one teacher threw things at him. Robin said one of her teachers tried to ruin her life. Howard asked how anyone couldn't like Robin.
Robin read more about the teacher story and the problems they're having. Robin said they worry that the students could disappear because they could be immigrants and they could be deported at any time.
Robin read a story about Ronan Farrow and how he's been a part of the expose of the Harvey Weinstein thing and he could get the job of editor at Vanity Fair.
Robin read a story about Paul Manafort being indicted in an FBI investigation into the Russian's messing with our election last year. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started the show talking about how he's having anxiety right now. He said his heart is racing. He said they have a busy show today. He said it's the last day of Cocktober so he'll talk about what they've learned. Howard said he'll have a full retrospective of Cocktober. Howard said they'll have one last look at the month.
Howard said Adam Levine is going to stop by and do a song. He said it's a very special song. Robin asked if it's a cock song. Howard said don't even mention that to him. Howard said Adam has done so many great things before. He said he did the legendary version of Purple Rain on the birthday show. Howard said he was shocked because he didn't know he played guitar like that. Howard played a clip of Adam performing the song.
Howard said he remembers Robin being so turned on during this performance that she squirted on Joan Rivers. Howard said she hit her from across the room. Howard said poor Joan had such a pained look on her face. Howard said they had to hand out ponchos because Robin was squirting so much. He said Letterman was soaked.
Howard sang along with the song and said this guy is so handsome. He said he's in John Stamos territory. Howard was still singing. Robin asked why. Howard said he wants to be somebody. Robin asked why he likes him so much. Howard said he doesn't. He said he just realized that.
Howard said Adam has done other great performances too. Howard played some of him performing a cover of The Beatles ''Don't Let Me Down.'' Howard said the guy is married to a super model. He said her name is Behati. He said he was watching her practicing her golf swing online the other day. He said he hates to admit that. Howard said Adam has to be living the life. He wondered if he ever has a bad day. He said this guy has it all. Howard said he's the opposite of Scott the Engineer. Howard said he hopes he has a small penis. Robin said Behati seems to be happy. Howard said they are having their second kid.
Howard sang along with the Beatles cover too. He played another cover he did there. He covered ''Yesterday.'' Howard said he thought this was on the show. Gary said it was. Howard said someone had it marked as just being at Sirius. Howard said they have to be super crystal clear about that.
Jason came in and said they have this pasta out and they blow torch the cheese on the pasta and it's infused into the pasta. He said it all becomes one. He said it's the cheesiest tasting pasta in the world. Howard said his wife would love that. Jason said it's on Long Island City. He said he's seen it done before but not right in front of him. He said that you have to try it. Jason said that it was so good it was like Robert Plant had just walked in. He said he was blown away by it.
Robin asked how they all got out there. Howard said they took a private jet. Robin said he had a look of bliss on his face as he was talking about that. Howard said Jason was also telling him that at his bar mitzvah his mom offered to get him a nose job. Robin said that's not right. Howard said he loves that story. Jason said he never worried about his nose before that. He said he was only 13. Jason said his mother always wanted one so she thought she was doing him a favor. He said all it did was fuck up his head.
Howard said Jason's mom also says that she's his biggest fan but also his biggest critic. Howard said that's just not right.
Howard said his mother used to say he got his shtick from her and her father. Howard said he can't take credit himself. Jason said he gets positive stuff but then when something is negative it's his fault. Howard said his mom wanted him to lei about the college he got into. Jason said he wanted to go to the School of Communications at Penn State. He said his mother told him that he wasn't able to tell anyone that he didn't get into the main campus at Penn State. Howard asked who cared? Jason said her friends did.
Jason said he got into Rutgers and he mentioned that he was on the wait list and his mom freaked out. He said he was on his college radio show when he talked about that. Howard said that's really interesting. Gary said it really is. Jason told his mom to turn off the radio.
Gary said when Jason started working on the show he'd come on the air and his mother would write him a novel critiquing his appearance. Jason said Howard put a stop to that one time when she called in.
Howard asked if his Lexipro is working for him. Jason said it is. He said his mother used to be non stop about what he was doing on the air.
Howard had his mom on the phone. It was actually one of the guys in the back calling Jason a fat bastard and things like that. She said they're going to get him a face transplant. Howard said her son is having a lot of problems from her interference. She said he's her fat little nerd. Howard asked to hear her talking about her son. She said he's the fattest loser on the show but he's the best eater.
Howard thanked her for calling in. She said she's glad Jason got into Harvard. Jason said he'd kill for that mom. He said she sounds nice.
Howard asked if the Lexipro helps with the bad feelings. Jason said no. He said it just gets the big weight off of him. He said it helped him deal with it all. He said that he saw his mom last week and it's constant fighting. He said his entire childhood was her trying to create the childhood she never had. He said she sent him to summer camp and she made him learn piano because she didn't learn. He said it's hard.
Howard said you have to change yourself and not her. Gary said that when Jason started taking his medication there was some experimentation going on. He said they went into a meeting one time with Tom and Jason took over the meeting and after the meeting Tom said he's going to kill him. Gary said he had to tell Jason to take it down a little.
Jason said he can't wait to go read his mom's critique. He said that she's taken it down a little. He said that she threatened to sue him for slander the last time they talked about her. He said he just ignored her. Howard said up that Lexipro dosage. Jason said he's at the highest.
Howard asked if he's going to have kids. Jason said he's not. He said his wife doesn't really want kids either. He said he's still trying to fix himself. He said his mother still brings it up every day. He said his brother is going to have kids. He said he's not going to have any because he will never make his mother happy enough. He said that's an excuse for her to be over a lot so he doesn't want that. He said he has her over once a month maybe. He said he may see her again at Thanksgiving.
Howard said Jason's dad died. Howard asked if his mom is more involved. Jason said not really. He said he leaves that up to his brothers. He said he's very up front with her about that stuff. He said he was the first but his brother is the one who is close. Howard let Jason go a short time later.
Howard said Gary asked Richard if he's wearing those underwear at work. He is. He just wiped them out. Howard said he has a big shit stain in his underpants. Howard said they're probably still wet from wiping them out.
Richard came in and said it wasn't a huge turd. He said it was a little slip. He said he didn't feel it was enough that he needed to change. Howard said a little droplet is too much. Richard said he sat on his new couch and noticed a spot on it. He said that's how he knew he shit his pants.
Howard said most adults don't have a shit in their pants story. Howard said he doesn't shit his pants. Richard said he thinks people just don't talk about it. Fred said he had one moment when he was sick and he shit his pants. Howard said Richard is doing it on a regular basis. Howard said if he had some shit in his underwear he'd put it in the wash. He asked if they're still damp. Richard said he can check. He said he bets they're bone dry. Howard had him check. Richard said they're fine. He said there is a little stain. Howard said that's disgusting. Robin said they're tighty underwear too so the wet was right next to him. Howard said there's the stain. He said it's a bit shit stain.
Robin asked if he ever thinks of the people he works with and he doesn't want to smell. Richard said he bets Sal could put his nose on it and it won't smell. Sal asked why he has to be the one. Howard said he's comfortable with him. Howard told Sal to get in there. Richard said it was just a little water drop.
Sal came in and Howard told him to put his nose up there. Sal smelled it and said it smells like shit. Howard said he has to be a team player. Richard said he smelled it too. He said it's not pleasant. Robin asked how it got on the couch if it was in his underwear. Richard said that some of the juice got out. He said he washed the couch this morning.
Howard said Richard's dad left a Cocktober message. He played that and Richard's dad was wishing everyone a happy Cocktober. Howard said Richard's dad had a message one time about a squirrel who had big balls. He played that and in the message he was talking about the squirrel having big balls. He said that means they're old. He ended up feeding it to the dogs. Howard said that's just a rat with a bigger tail. Richard said he's eaten them and they are like rats.
Howard asked if he fries that up. Richard said he does. He said he didn't know that their balls got big when they got old. Richard said his dad should get false dog teeth so he can eat that stuff. Howard said he just didn't have teeth good enough to eat that stuff.
Howard asked if his wife is going to give birth today. Richard said that would be awesome but it's awesome no matter when she has it. He said she is due and it will happen this week at some point.
Robin said Richard had a reveal party with his wife. Richard said they did get a cake.
Howard asked if Richard's dad has ever shit his pants. Richard said he has seen his dad's underwear with skid marks in it. Howard did an impression of Richard's dad talking about that. Gary said no one is going to want to come to his kid's birthday if he's born on Halloween. Richard said it'll be fine.
Robin said she thinks that Richard's wife is going to raise that kid on her own. Richard said he'll be changing diapers. Fred said he'll be changing his own diapers. Richard said he has experience with changing diapers. Howard told him to change his underpants from now on when he shits them. Howard said he has to think about his coworkers.
Howard said he got a note saying that he's taking a long paternity leave. Howard asked how long. Gary said it's a month. Howard asked if he's fucking high. Richard said he's going to see how long it will be. He said it may not be a month. Howard said he's got to be kidding. He said go do what you have to do. Richard said it might not be a month. Howard said see if he can find them in a month. He said they may not be there. Howard said the best way to help out is to work and bring home the money. Howard said he doesn't have to be home for a month. Howard said he's never heard of that. Howard said everyone gets paternity leave now. Howard said he took a week off or a couple days off. Robin said it wasn't even a week. Robin said Howard just missed the day. Howard said call him old fashioned but he had a career and a job and he had to keep his job going with the ratings. Robin said they keep the job going and they do whatever they want.
Howard said he finally got it through his thick head back there. Robin said that they don't want him to stay home a month. Richard said he may not. Howard said he may not even miss him when he's gone. Howard said he'll see how he does without him around. Howard told Richard to get out of there.
Howard asked when men started taking paternity leave. Robin said they think the father needs to bond with the infant. Howard said that sounds like something that started in California. Robin said everyone did fine without the bonding. Howard said he bets Richard's dad didn't have to take a month off.
Howard said he heard there's paternity leave for a new pet too. Howard said we're turning into Europe. He said there's a constant siesta going on. Howard said god bless America. He said he has to get to Cocktober wrap up. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard asked the caller if he took paternity leave. The caller said he took one day. He said he goes home after work and goes to take care of them. He said he's a hell of a father. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard said today is the last day of Cocktober. He said he wants to sum it all up somehow. Howard said he wants to make reference to the last day. He said there's a lot that took place. Howard said people thought they'd only do a day or two and forget about it. Howard said they followed through on it. Howard said some liked it and some didn't.
Howard said they have a Daniel Mendelson song parody about the end of Cocktober. Howard played the song where Daniel wrapped up the month. Howard said he's some singer. He thanked him for the song. Robin said that's a beautiful song.
Howard said they tried to get George Takei to sing but he's tone deaf. Howard said they tried to get him to sing this song and he's way out of tune. Howard played a clip and he said he did try. Howard played another song parody that George sang and he was out of tune in that one too. Howard said they gave him a November Rain parody too. Howard said he didn't know that song but he's really out of tune in that one. He said he's just a little tone deaf. Howard played some of the song and said it must be hard to sing with Brad's cum in his throat.
Howard said he has some clips of some mess ups during Cocktober. Howard played one where someone said ''Cock'' instead of clock during a report about a school. Howard said that there was a news 2 report where they said ''Cocktober.'' The guy was trying to say ''Kooktober'' but he said Cocktober. Howard said what a professional.
Howard said Psych wrote a beautiful song about the Long Cocktober. Howard played that song and said that's a good one. Howard said it goes on and on but that's good.
Howard said he asked the guys for one classic phony phone call for Cocktober. Howard said they got a beautiful one. Howard said they called a religious radio show with Caitlyn Jenner calling in saying she's being attacked by zombie penises. Howard said they kept her on so they must be desperate for callers. Howard played the call and the show took the call from fake Caitlyn who asked for prayers because she's a trans woman who had the operation and she wonders where her cock and balls are when she stares at the stars. Then she gets a report saying that genitals are coming to life and attacking. The hosts kept her on as she was fighting off the zombie genitals. She was fighting them off with a chain saw.
Howard said that's it. The last Cocktober phony phone call. Robin asked where she can get that. Howard said they took it all so seriously.
Howard said he has one woman talking about what she would do to pictures of penises. She's 83. Howard played the clip and the woman said she always liked looking at penises. She said she'd like to categorize them. She said she thought that would be a good job for her. Howard said she loves black penis. Howard played a clip of the woman talking about how a thick and firm one would be great and a black one would be best because they look better.
Howard said this woman has taken some big cocks in her life. Howard played a clip of her talking about a guy she had who had 12 inches. She said she was able to handle it beautifully. Wolfie wished her a happy Cocktober after hearing that.
Howard said 83 is that age where they were more prudish but she just went for it. He said it sounds like she had a lot of experience. Wolfie said it's so uncomfortable asking this stuff. He said he was going door to door asking if he could ask about this stuff. He said he had people slamming doors in his face. Howard said that's what it's like being a reporter.
Howard had a clip of Wolfie's grandma telling them about what kind of cock she prefers. Howard played the clip and she said she has never had black penis. She said she's not even going to try it. She said she's not racist but she's not going to go with a black guy. Howard said she was being reserved there. Howard said sorry black guys, you're not going to fuck Wolfie's grandma. Howard said good luck trying to seduce her.
Howard said they found a woman who is Ronnie's age. Howard said she's 68 and she likes a penis big enough to gag on. She said she doesn't like a load in her throat but she likes it in her vagina. She said she likes the feeling in there.
Howard asked Robin if she likes that too. Robin said it does pulsate and it's nice. Howard asked if that's right. Robin said it does feel good. Fred played some Ronnie clips while that was going on.
Howard said speaking of Ronnie he has a sex tip for Cocktober. He played a clip of Ronnie talking about using Calamari for a cock ring. He had suggestions for squirting lemon on the woman and stuff like that. Howard sounded grossed out. Ronnie said ''Ariva Dutchy'' at the end of it. Howard and Fred did their Ronnie impressions and goofed on him a bit.
Howard said Wolfie found a gay resident who has changes his stance on circumcised penises over the years. Howard played the clip and the guy said that he likes an uncircumcised penis about 7 or 8 inches. Howard mentioned that the guy was 73 years old. Howard said that nursing home has one of everything. He said it's a nice rainbow of people. Wolfie said they don't last long though. He said they tend to die off. He said his grandma's group of friends fight so much that they call the police on each other. He said that someone fell out of a wheelchair and his fake leg fell off and they just stood around laughing at him.
Howard asked if they all bang each other. Wolfie said there's one gay guy and a couple of straight guys. He said that's it.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie asking the gay guy about what kind of girth he likes. The guy said he likes black and white. He said veins are interesting in a funny way.
Howard asked if any of them are good looking. Wolfie said that he's not going to be mean. He said they want to hear this later. He said he's had to edit stuff out in the past. Wolfie said that they said he has to buy them lunch from now on if he does this.
Howard said he has an interview with a 77 year old. Howard said she describes the perfect penis and she might be his soul mate. Howard played the clip and the woman said that she likes about 5 inches. Wolfie asked why she likes a smaller one. She said that way you won't injure yourself inward. Howard said he likes her. She says 5 inches is fine. Howard said he's big for her. Howard said she'd be scared of him.
Howard said he has to start fucking old, delicate bags. Howard thanked Wolfie for the cock report.
Howard played a Cocktober month wrap up clip where they had a bunch of stuff that they covered this month. They included a bunch of the bits and segments that they covered this month.
Howard played another Daniel Mendelson song parody about Cocktober being over. Howard said goodbye to Cocktober. Howard said close it down until next Cocktober. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard said his wife made a note about Jimmy's kid going in for his operation but they heard he had a cold so he wouldn't be going in for the operation. Howard said then they heard the whole family had a cold. Howard said he thought he had inside information but it turns out that Robin heard about it on TV. Robin said Channing Tatum and Jennifer Lawrence are filling in this week too. Howard said that's dangerous letting someone fill in. Howard said he never lets anyone do that. He said he just plays reruns.
Robin said they should pull some of Shaq doing his monologue. JD said it was actually pretty good. He said his interviewing isn't that good though. Howard did his Shaq impression where he's really monotone. Howard said Letterman never let anyone fill in other than one time with Bill Cosby. Howard said Cosby is really bad on TV so he'd let him fill in for him too.
Robin said Shaq had some good stuff in his monologue. Howard did an impression of him again. Howard said they've had him on a couple of times. Howard said he's a good guy.
Howard said in his building they have to pay rent and fees and they do this Halloween nonsense. Howard said finally this year they toned it down. Howard said other people complained about it with him and his wife. Howard said it feels weird but they had dead vines all over the walls and it bummed him out. He said it was depressing. He said it was dark and he's an adult and he's over all of that.
Robin said she saw a house that could not be seen for all of the dead bodies and spider webs all over it. Robin said it was on the roof and in the grass. Howard said that person needs to get a better job to keep busy.
Howard said he saw that they have a party happening in the lobby today. He said he has to be out of there before that happens. He said he's going to channel his meetings there if that's what's happening.
Howard said his wife got booked on the Megyn Kelly show to do a pet segment. He said they were talking about costumes for pets. Howard said they hate when people dress up their animals in costumes. Howard said the animals try to scratch them off. He said his wife reminded people not to lave them in the costume. Just take a picture and get them out of it. Howard said there's no reason to dress them up. Howard said Richard and his wife are dressing up their guinea pig in a ghost costume. Howard said they don't want that.
Howard said they have to get rid of the decorations out there. He said he hates to sound like a grinch but that's the way it is. Howard said he just leaves a bowl of candy outside his apartment. He said one kid will end up taking it all. He said they take it all and dump it in their bag.
Howard said he put himself to bed early so he could watch Ray Donovan and The Walking Dead. Howard said everyone has critiques of the shows. Howard said these shows are so great. He said Ralph is talking about how he doesn't like Stranger Things. He said these shows are all so terrific. Howard said these people are so involved. Robin said they get together in groups and file class action complaints. Howard said they're such douche bags. Howard said Ralph has yet to make a show of his own but he critiques them.
Howard said for Halloween YouPorn changed their format. Howard said he had to get that over with last night so he went on YouPorn. He said they had some suggestions for him last night. Howard said he likes this stuff and they know what he likes. Howard said they had a big advertisement and it was all Russian porn. He said they had eliminated stuff that he likes. He said he doesn't like Russian porn. He said he's not going to read porn.
Howard said he quickly got that over with. He said that he watched two girls doing something to each other. He said it was step mother and daughter and the mother was punishing the daughter for something. He said he wasn't able to tell what it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard just talks negative shit about Halloween and he has the life. He said he's bitching and complaining about that shit? Howard said he is. He told the guy to get out of here. Howard said that's the most ridiculous thing he's heard. He said this is what the show is about.
Howard said he did the Kimmel show a couple of weeks ago. He said David Letterman asked him to be on his Netflix show. Howard said he can't say no to Letterman. Howard said they're firming that up. He said he has to do it. Robin asked how he got a hold of him. Howard said they got a hold of Gary and Gary got his agent. Howard said this is some show Dave is doing. He said it's 90 minutes and in front of a live audience. Howard said they have to go out and do a field piece too. Howard said Letterman is working hard. He thought it would be a 15 minute thing.
Howard said the producers are putting together something like a film. He said we'll see what it is. Howard said he's roped into it. He said he doesn't like doing that much. Howard said he's trying to push it off. Howard said he pushed it off as far as he could. Howard said he's hoping the show will go away.
Howard said he can say no to everyone after doing that. He said that Jimmy Fallon calls once in a while but he can push him off.
Howard took a call from one of the Radical Brothers who are producing Dave's show. The fake caller said they need him to come in for a costume fitting and a bunch of other nonsense stuff. Howard said you really get to embed yourself with Dave. Howard said he's not going to show up if Dave doesn't. Howard said he thought Dave retired.
Robin said Jon Stewart is hosting some charity event. Howard said when he retires you won't hear from him again. He said in one segment Dave handcuffs himself to him and they could be stuck together for weeks. He said that has him concerned.
Howard took a call from Chad in St. Louis who called him sweet love like Howard calls his wife. Howard said that's fucking romantic. Fred said he has him beat. He said he just says ''my love.'' He said he does that frequently. Howard said he never calls Beth by her name. Howard said ''sweet love'' is so romantic. Robin said she was with a couple the other day and the guy was doing a lot of child care and saying that he's going to get laid that night. Robin said you have to be sweet and just not say you're going to get laid. Howard said that's right.
Chad asked Howard if anyone else complains about the Halloween stuff there. Howard said he doesn't talk to anyone so he doesn't know. Robin said she thinks it's tacky. She said it doesn't look good. Howard said he just doesn't like Halloween. Robin said it looks like garbage.
Chad asked if anyone in the office doesn't like it. Howard said he doesn't know. Jason said he hates it too. He said that he's not sure who does that stuff but he was wondering if they have a committee. He said that no one just shows up and starts decorating. Howard said it looks like a lot of thought went into it but it's bad thought.
Howard said there is someone at Sirius who complained. He had Sour Shoes doing his Mad Dog Russo impression complaining about that stuff. Howard kept Sour Mad Dog on the line complaining for a few minutes. He had Mad Dog freaking out about Tom Brady and things like that too. Howard was going to let Sour go but he broke into his Gary impression so he kept him on a little longer. Howard said it's enough that he has to listen to the real Gary. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he has Adam Levine there. Howard said he's there with the band too. Howard said it's basically Maroon 5. Adam said it's most of them. He said they have 7 guys in the band now. He said there are so many. Howard said he can't make them full members. Adam said everyone is taken care of in the band.
Howard said he can't go solo right? Adam said if he was going to do it he would have by now. He said the band is strangely functional. He said they're all so tight and close that the bond can't be broken.
Howard said Adam is going to do a Chris Cornell song today. Howard asked if he knew him. Adam said he never got to meet him. He said he was so upset about him passing. He said his music was very influential on all of them. He said the guys in the band are obsessed with Soundgarden and Chris Cornell.
Howard said he was shocked because Chris appeared to have it all. He said he could write music and he was a handsome dude. Howard said he had a great wife and family and he was super successful as a musician. Adam said he can't wrap his head around why that happens. Howard said he said to Robin if Adam is not the happiest guy on the planet... He said he has the good looks and his wife is a super model. Howard said he went on the other night to watch Behait's golf swing. Adam said she doesn't even like golf and she was great at it. He said that kind of stuck.
Howard asked if he's tired of her at all. Adam said that she's 6 and a half months pregnant now and it's not even showing. He said it's in one spot and barely showing. Howard said this will be number 2 for him. Adam said it's baby time in the house.
Howard said he never thought he'd settle down. Howard said getting so much pussy makes you think that it can go on and on forever. Howard said he stopped the party. Adam said that he had to marry someone who likes the same thing as him. He said he never wanted to settle down. He said he just happened to meet the person who made him want to settle down. Howard said he was dating up a storm. Adam said once you find someone like that it changes you.
Howard asked what it was that made him change. Adam said she's the coolest human being in the world. He said that he loves this woman. Howard asked if he ever has a bad day. Adam asked in what way. Howard asked if he gets depressed. Adam said of course he does. Howard asked when he last had a bad day. Adam said his bad day isn't worth talking about on radio. He said we all have bad days. He said he thinks that he's having some lately because he's terrified about the state of the world. He said it all scares him. He said it's Trump and other things. He said he thinks it's pretty whacked out right now.
Howard said maybe they should do the tribute to Chris Cornell with the song ''Seasons'' which is one that Chris wrote. Adam said it's probably his favorite of all of his songs. Howard said that ''Seasons'' is from the soundtrack from ''Singles.'' Adam said it's the best soundtrack album of all time in his opinion. He said that ''Seasons'' wasn't a big Chris Cornell song but no one talks about it. Howard said he asked James about the tuning of the song. He said it's a weird tuning. James told Howard how it's just two notes. Howard said it's a weird tuning. Howard said they have Sam, Jesse and James on guitar today. They have a lot of different guitar in the song and Chris may have done that over dubbing himself.
Howard said that James used to have a problem with the show. He said that he had a very religious background and he didn't like coming on the show. James said he has become a major fan of the show. He said he apologizes for that. Adam said he eventually came on. He said the first time they were on the show James was petrified. He said he was a little timid and it was like Howard knew it. He said that the first thing he did was go right to James and asked ''So you get a lot of pussy, right?'' and James just said ''No.'' Howard said he knew. Howard asked if his family has loosened up. James said that people are accepting of Howard now. He said his interviews are so great lately.
Howard said he got a note from a guy who said his wife was starting to listen and then Cocktober started.
Howard said they should think about Chris Cornell and what a talent he was. Howard said we should listen to the lyrics of this song. Adam said he was a real influence on him. Howard said he's going to shut up and let them do their thing. Howard had them do their thing. They performed ''Seasons.''
After the song Howard said that was fantastic. He said he has to get in the band. He said he can be the 8th member. Adam said that Sam started a while ago. He said that they wrote one of their big songs together and it's so cool that he's in the band. Sam said he was in the band Phantom Planet. Adam said that they opened up for them for a long time. He said he wanted to be in that band.
Howard asked when they do a cover of a song like that do they discuss it or how does that all work. Adam said he wanted to do the song and he knew Howard would be into it. He said he knew these dudes would be into it. He said he came in and sang it. He said he knows the song really well. He said they did a couple of rehearsals too.
Howard said the new album is called ''Red Pill Blues'' and it's coming out this week. He said then they do a tour. Howard said Adam is doing The Voice too. He asked if they would do this song during a concert. Adam said probably not. He said going on Howard's show and doing this show for this person is something that makes sense. He said that doing it in concert wouldn't really work. He said they could do it and not get booed but the context might not be right. Howard said the younger kids might not be into that. Adam said that it's relatively obscure and it might be weird.
Howard said he watched The Voice last night and he saw a guy doing a knock out round who was pretty good and he did All Along the Watchtower and that's the worst song to do on that show. Howard said the song doesn't have a lot of excitement in it. Adam said that's part of the show where you choose your own song. He said he can't tell the guy what to do. He said that he can't meddle in that. He said it's up to that guy to figure that out. Howard said he would think that he'd tell him it would be the wrong song. Howard said Adam knows to play a Chris Cornell song on this show and not in concert. Adam said that's the one part where he doesn't mess around with it.
Howard said he likes a lot of different music and they have Kelly Clarkson coming in. He said he likes her stuff and he also likes Led Zeppelin and stuff like that. Adam said they're a pop band and that's what they do best. He said that it's kind if fun when people hate you and you stick around. He said they eventually stop hating you.
Howard said Maroon 5 have had a lot of hit songs and they did concerts for 2.5 million fans. Adam said it's so strange to hear that. He said their first record came out in 2002. He said they have been around so long it's not even just one decade. He said they're not a one hit wonder. Howard said that one hit wonders can make you money the rest of your life though. He said that Norman Greenbaum is one of those guys.
Howard asked how many seasons of The Voice are there. Adam said they're shooting their 14th. He said that he didn't expect it to last any time at all. He said Mark Burnett convinced him to do the show. He said that he didn't want to do it. Howard said that he and Blake Shelton are the constants on the show. Howard said they're going to play it out until the bloody end. Howard said he loves the Blake and Gwen Stefani romance. Adam said it's disgusting. Howard said it's funny. Adam said it's really beautiful actually. He said that they're in the public eye. He said that he sees it every day and it's real. He said he's affectionate with his wife and this is a whole other level. He said they're so in love. Howard said he thought Blake was going to spread his seed all over the country. He said he has taken to Gwen.
Adam said he always says that he can't believe that he's the one who gets to be with Gwen Stefani. Howard asked if he thinks there's a wedding there. Adam said he's not sure about that. He said he hopes he'd be invited. Howard asked if he gets invited to their house. Adam said Gwen's house is so Gwen. He said that it's just what you'd think it would be.
Howard said it's weird that he became so friendly with Blake Shelton. Howard said you can get on each other's nerves. He said that it can be awful. He said he knows that. Adam said Blake is one of his closest friends. He said he remembers the first meeting they had and no one knew who Blake was at the time other than country music fans. He said after the meeting he was asking who that guy was and he didn't know that he as going to be his co-star.
Howard said he didn't know who he was either. He said when you do a show like that you must wonder why you're on a show with Blake Shelton. Howard said Adam just embraced it. Adam said he didn't have a clue about what it was going to turn into. He said it was scary and lame potentially. He said he think that helped make it good. Howard said in a way it's hard to tell someone how to do something like performing the wrong song.
Howard asked if Blake waited to break the news to him that he was dating Gwen. Adam said he found out about it in New York but they all knew that something was up. He said they were keeping it from everyone. He said he was his friend and he was super tight lipped about it. He said they were out to dinner when they kissed or something. Adam said imagine that your two friends just start making out at dinner and you didn't know they were dating. He said they couldn't hide it forever.
Howard said when you're on a hit show you hope they don't fuck up the chemistry of the show. Howard said it could get weird. Howard asked when he started showing nudes of Gwen. Adam said he sends him pictures of his shit, not pictures of Gwen. Adam said Blake thinks that's funny but he thinks it's disgusting. He said he asks him what's going on with that.
Howard asked if he would record with Blake. Adam said he would. Howard said they performed with a bunch of people on the new album. Howard said the album is called ''Red Pill Blues'' and he wondered if that's a reference to The Matrix. Adam said there's a lot of poison out there right now. Howard asked if he's on social media. Adam said he is but he has to be legally. Howard said he live tweeted during the Video Music Awards and he hated it. Howard said he felt the same way as he did. Howard said they had this talented girl on the show and they cut her off. Adam said that was Julia Michaels and she's on the new album. Howard said she was on the VMAs and she was really good and building up a head of steam and they cut to a commercial in the middle of her song. Adam said that was maddening to him. He said that they hate him there anyway. Adam said MTV plays videos in other countries. He said it's kind of nice to watch that in other countries.
Howard said the videos only happen on the internet now. Adam said the EMAs are cool because they actually play videos for the show. Howard asked if they made a video for their new song. Adam said they did. He said the videos are seen more now than ever. He said that they put one out a couple of years ago that got like 2 billion views or something crazy like that.
Howard asked if he feels he should do something like Robin Thicke did with the naked girls. Adam said he doesn't think so.
Howard asked Adam about the VMAs again and he said that Julia Michaels is really young and talented and they should showcase her talent. He said they could have finished her song. He said it was something everyone knows.
Howard asked if he would ever record with a performer from The Voice. Adam said he would but he hasn't. He said he hasn't recorded with Blake either. He said recording and collaborating is really highly contextual and circumstantial. He said that you may not even think about it. He said that you have to go down this path and find people.
Howard asked about the idea of just putting out singles and not whole albums. Adam said he was just talking to someone about that. He said just talk to Chris Stapleton or Adele. He said they've sold a lot of records. He said the charts for album sales these days are fucked. He said that he can't even look at it anymore. Howard said maybe that's just the way it has to be for them because they're comfortable with it. Adam said he thinks this is the album that's their best so far.
Howard asked about the name of the album and if it's a reference to The Matrix. He said that he likes Keanu Reeves as John Wick. Howard said he's so bad ass. Howard said that guy has some fucking career. Howard asked if Adam is still acting. Adam said if he has time to do that he will.
Howard said he was in Alan Thicke's last movie or something. Adam said it was an ensemble movie. He said he's not even sure if it came out.
Howard asked about making the new album and how he has time to make it. Howard asked when he's going on tour. Adam said in the fall and the spring of next year. Howard said he's putting the album out now and touring next year? He asked James about that. He asked if he does get a lot of pussy too. James said he's single but he's looking to settle.
Adam said when he saw Ronnie the Limo Driver today he was thinking about him saying he wanted to be a woman for a day. He said that's very honest. He said he thinks he threw him on a list of guys that he'd let enter him. Howard asked if he wants to talk to him about that. Adam said sure.
Howard asked Ronnie if he put Adam on the list. Ronnie came in and said that he thinks Howard brought it up and he said he would put him on the list. Howard said he was throwing out the names. Adam said he's flattered. Adam said if Ronnie was a woman with a vagina he's not sure he could do it. Ronnie said he wouldn't look like himself. He said he'd look hot. Adam asked if he'll have the same voice. Ronnie said he will. He said he'll say ''Sick it in baby!'' Howard told Ronnie to leave. Adam thanked him for being so honest. Howard said he obviously approves of him.
Howard said the album is a reference to Keanu Reeves. Adam said they were in Rio doing a concert and they did this Rockin Rio thing and there were a quarter of a million people there. He said Lady Gaga had to cancel and they were already there. He said they did two nights. He said South America and Brazil have rabid fans. Howard said he thinks Jon Bon Jovi was there and telling him about how hot the girls were down there. Howard asked James if he got any pussy down there. James said he didn't say he didn't get any.
Howard asked James if the girls still find out who is single and get back stage. James said that things are different now because of social media. Howard asked if he hooked up down there or not. James said he actually didn't.
Howard asked how many concerts they did before they became famous. Adam said they probably did more before they got famous than they have done since. Adam said they were signed early on when they were very young. Howard asked if they got discovered too early. Adam said it was probably good. He said they were only 22 when the first Maroon 5 album came out. Howard said he remembers running into him in Vegas and he was with some super hot chick. Howard said that he was with his wife and she even pointed out how hot that chick was. Then a week later he was with another chick. Adam said he made the mistake of bringing them to the show. He said Behati will never get to see the show.
Howard said John Stamos is engaged. Howard said he's a wild cocksman. Howard said he can't imagine how he's going to do that. Adam said they were talking about Rob Lowe vs. John Stamos. Howard said Adam is up there too. Adam said if he looks like those guys in his mid 50s he'll be lucky. Robin said Stamos is stunning. Adam said he's almost 40. He said he's 38. Howard said that's nothing.
Howard said he's going to play some of their new stuff. He played some of ''What Lovers Do.'' Adam said they were going to release an album but he put a stop to it because it wasn't quite ready yet. He said he's glad he waited because then this song came and things started to flow.
Howard asked Adam about who sings with him on this. Adam said she's Sza. He said if you don't know who she is now you'll know in a year. He said she'll be all over the place. He said she's doing Fallon with them. Adam said they do a lot of featuring and they didn't want to do everything that everyone else is doing. He said they did some searching and it's interesting and cool to be an elder statesman and know she's about to blow up. He said that people are talking about her and her music is getting very popular away from the radio. Howard asked if it's exhausting knowing who is coming up. Adam said Sza is amazing. Howard asked how he knows she's coming up. He asked how he would have his ear to the ground. Adam said when you're listening to music and people play stuff for you then you hear about that stuff.
Howard said he likes that they put her on the album. Adam said that they did that with Wiz Khalifa back in the day. He said they had a big pop song and he got noticed.
Howard asked if James is going to hook up with Sza. Adam said he could do that. Howard said he should try.
Howard said they're all getting along and the album is coming out this week. Howard said they're on a roll. Howard said it would be cool if Sza dated Rza. He said that would be something.
Adam asked if they have the whole album. Gary checked and said they don't. Adam said someone is getting fired.
Howard asked what else he's doing. Adam said that they're doing Fallon tomorrow night. He said that they have the Today Show too. He said they have to get up early for that. He said he liked coming in later on Howard's show. Howard said he's up by 5. He said he's in bed by 7:30 or 8. Howard said he has to beat off and other things. He said he has a whole ritual. Adam asked if he has to take Viagra. Howard said he doesn't have to. Robin said she thought Ronnie had done that. Howard said he doesn't think so. Robin said she thinks that he's tried it. Howard said maybe he tried it once. Howard said if you can't get hard at 38 with Behati then there's something wrong with him. Howard said he gets hard watching her play golf. Adam said he knows guys who take it. Howard asked if Blake takes it. Adam said he's never mentioned Viagra. Adam said he thinks he'd be so hard his dick would explode. He said he has a healthy sexual appetite.
Howard said maybe he can mentor him on that. Howard said he's like 30 years older and he's still getting hard and beating off. Howard said he has a whole schedule. He said he knows he's going to bang his wife during the week. He said if something happens and he can't do it then he goes on YouPorn. Adam said he doesn't like YouPorn. He said that he has some friends who have seen it. Howard said Adam must beat off when his wife is in her 9th month. Adam said that he can have sex up to a point with her during pregnancy. Howard said he knows guys who never had to beat off. He said Robert Plant must not have had to. Adam said that there is something special about beating off. He said it's special no matter how much sex you have. Howard said it's quick and easy. Adam said that someone said that's when you're having sex with someone you love.
Howard said he read that Mick Jagger is with a 22 year old. Howard said that's crazy. He said he's like 78. Howard said he has to be younger than that. Gary said he's 74. Howard said 80 isn't that much of a stretch. Howard asked if they can believe that Keith Richards is still alive. He said he's still smoking during the concerts.
Adam said they did some concerts with the Rolling Stones. Howard asked if they had interactions with them at all. Adam said Ronnie Wood was the best. He said they must have had them on. Howard said he never has. Robin said they had Ron Wood on the show. Howard said that's right. Adam said that they do shit that you expect them to. He said they drink tea and watch football. He said they have a whole bar thing going on back stage. They had a bar set up with a motorcycle and sawdust on the floor.
Howard asked how it was opening for them. Adam said it was scary because some famous bands have gotten shit for opening for them. He said they lucked out and didn't get that. He said that you just have to pretend you're tough and shit when you open for bands that your fans may not be that into.
Howard talked to Adam about going to 5 Towns College for like a week. Adam said it was a semester. He said he's not even sure why he went there. He said Billy Joel drove past there once. Howard asked if he has met Billy. Adam said that he met Billy and told him why they named the band Maroon 5. He said he asked him to come sing with him at the Hollywood Bowl. He said he wanted to sing ''You May Be Right'' with him. He said he told him to just show up and don't do a rehearsal. He said he showed up to the show when he was already on and he was like the 9th song. He said he just figured he was going to go out and perform. He said that he went out and did it and he was petrified. He said that the only two people who have ever done that were Billy and Stevie wonder.
Howard said he got to see the Bruce Springsteen play and it was great. He said Adam should check that out. Adam said he'll do that. He said he doesn't do Broadway. Howard asked if he can get through any of those shows. Adam said it's all so fuckin' phony. Howard said he should pee before the show if he does go. Adam said he heard Howard talking about that. He said you're not supposed to get up during the show. Howard said he had to pee. He said he can't pee in front of other men. He said he doesn't like going in a public bathroom.
Howard asked Adam if he has a big cock. Adam said he doesn't. Howard asked if he's 4 inches flaccid. Adam asked what flaccid is. He said that there are different stages of flaccid. He said if there's nothing obstructing your dick then it's flaccid. He said if it's in your underpants it's all scrunched up. Howard said his penis is an innie right now. Adam said he has to be exaggerating. Howard said he's just saying go pee before the Springsteen show if he goes.
Howard asked Adam about the Broadway shows and Adam said it just comes off as phony. Howard said he does those things all the time. He sang a made up Broadway song for Adam. Howard made it up as he was going. He sang about Adam and his wife Behati. He wanted Adam to sing with him but he wasn't able to do it. Howard made up a song about James instead. He asked James to sing along with him. James was going along with it and singing about all the pussy he gets. Howard said that's not a bad song.
Adam said he's been listening to the show a lot lately. He said they have this strange license to do and say what most people don't have. He said Howard was on America's Got Talent and he was already Howard. He said he could never say the shit he says there over there. Howard said he said a lot of shit that they cut out. Adam said he hopes that he has the medium to be able to say whatever he wants to say some day. Adam said he's so sick and tired of everything being misunderstood. He said that things are said and no matter how well it's said people are ignorant. Howard said that's his worst nightmare. He said he does a 4 or 5 hour show and he tries to make people laugh and then all of a sudden you get shit for it.
Howard asked Adam what's bugging him right now that he wants to speak out about. Adam said nothing is bugging him right now. He said he's not going to say something that people are going to bug him about. Adam said Howard came around when it wasn't like it is now. Howard said when he came around it was so politically correct that a commentator wouldn't give his opinion. Howard said it was uptight. Howard said he used to be like Twitter. He said everyone has that voice now. Howard said it used to be like that with music too. Howard said it was a different kind of time. He said he misses that. He said he liked it when people didn't have social media.
Adam said there was less clutter around when Howard was starting out. He said now there's more clutter.
Howard thanked all of the guys for coming in and performing. Howard gave them some more plugs for the new album and wrapped up. He said you can check out Maroon5.com for tour dates. They played a few bits and went to break after that.
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Howard came back and did a live commercial read. After that he said he had something he wanted to say and now he's drawing a blank. Howard said that's why you have to write everything down. Robin said that's what the experts say.
Howard said he went to a restaurant where the waiter didn't write down their order. He said he had to repeat his order. Howard said the brain is good at coming up with new ideas and you have to write it down because you're not good at remembering it. Howard said just write it down. He said he has a good idea of what he wants to say when he comes back from break but then he has to read a live commercial. He said he forgets what he wanted to do.
Howard said he sees that with the Stranger Things season 2 coming out they're out promoting. Howard said Millie Bobby Brown is on Fallon tonight and the other kids are on 2 days later. Howard said the other kids must be pissed. He said they probably think they should be on with her. Howard said she has separated herself out. Howard said he kind of agrees about that. Howard said she should be on her own.
Howard went into his Millie Bobby Brown's agent voice for a short time. He was explaining why he split her up from the boys on the show. The agent was gong on and on about why he split her from the other kids. He said she won't be on other shows with her co-stars. Robin said they're hoping to bring her into her own thing. The agent said he doesn't want those kids near his star. He said that Millie is everything right now.
The Agent was talking about how the big fat cop on the show wanted to appear with Millie and he said no fucking way. Robin said she's not sure he's right about her being that big of a star. The Agent said that Paul Reiser came up to Millie asking for a photo and he told him to get the fuck away from her.
Robin asked if Millie sings. The Agent said of course she does. He said that she's being mentored by the biggest acts in the business. Robin said there are people complaining about this season. The Agent said fuck them. He said he has a deal now that keeps everyone from making eye contact with his star. He said they have in writing that next season it will be called Millie Bobby Brown in Stranger Things 3. He said they're going along with it because they have them by the balls.
Robin had some audio of Millie on Kelly and Ryan from this morning. Howard, as the agent, played the audio of Millie. She talked about being born in Spain and moving to London at 4. She said she moved to America when she was 8. Howard was still in character talking about his client. Robin had more clips for The Agent to play. Howard stayed in character and kept going talking about her and the interview. They had a clip of Millie talking about meeting President Trump and meeting Leonardo DiCaprio. The Agent said Leo has a pussy boat now. He said that he had to keep Millie away from him because of that. He claims that Millie has an approval rating of 110 percent. He said that's higher than anyone ever.
The Agent said that Millie Bobby Brown DiCaprio has a nice ring to it. He said that say it quietly and it sounds like a prayer.
Robin said she hopes he doesn't piss too many people off. The Agent said he presents himself in a professional way. He said there's a way to play the game in Hollywood. He said that's why Millie is having such success. The Agent told Robin about how he wants to have Millie on CBS and he has talked to Les Moonves about that.
Robin was playing along with Howard all that time. The Agent said he has to run. He said he has other clients he has to take care of. Robin said it sounds like he's putting all of his time into Millie right now. The Agent said she's going to be so popular that they're going to build her a pyramid some day. He said the other kids on Stranger Things will build it for her. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin started her news with a story about a young man in Kenya who had a 3 foot penis and 11 pound testicles. Robin said he's finally getting a normal life. Robin said he had an operation in 2006 to remove some of the cysts he had. Robin said they came back. Howard said it's like a worm. Robin said they say it can be caused by a mosquito bite. Robin said it injects larvae into the blood stream that block the body's drainage system. That's what causes the swelling. Howard said they need to figure out how to control that to make his penis larger. Robin said now this guy has had another operation to rebuild his penis and reduce the scrotum.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked to speak to Millie's agent again. Howard said he can't do it anymore. The caller said he can't watch that show without saying her name. He said the real star is Finn Wolfhard. Howard wasn't sure who that was. The caller said that's Mike.
Howard said no one is wearing a costume there at work today. Howard said Jason has a list of anchors and what they're wearing today. Howard said the only one who isn't wearing one is Charlie Rose. Howard said he's old and doesn't need to do that. Howard said he's proud of Charlie for not doing that. Howard read the list of people who are wearing costumes on the morning shows. Howard said that's everyone on CBS This Morning. Howard said only a few people aren't wearing costumes. Howard said the only one dressed on their show is Benjy who is dressed as a hobo. Howard read about what the FOX News crew are wearing this morning.
Robin read a story about how many people are celebrating Halloween. Howard had sour Shoes on the phone to talk about how he's dressed for Halloween. Sour George talked about the Viva La Penis thing and other penis stuff. Sour George was playing the Ghost Busters theme and singing along. Howard let him go and did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a priest in a satanic temple is telling parents how dangerous it is to let kids trick or treat.
Robin said Shuli was telling her that his kids can't celebrate Halloween at school. They are told what costumes are acceptable and they're calling it something other than Halloween.
Howard said they asked people on the street what Howard Stern should dress like. Howard played some audio of people saying he should dress like Big Bird, a Warlock, the Wicked Witch of the West, a werewolf and dress up as himself. Howard said there's too much negativity out there.
Robin said another thing that happens on this day is the Harry Houdini seance. Howard said he knew all of that stuff was fake and he proved it with his wife. He said he gave her a secret word and no psychic was ever able to tell her what it was. Howard played a Jeff the Vomit Guy song parody about vomit splash to the tune of Monster Mash.
Robin read a story about a man and woman who met on a flight and they fell for each other so fast that they wanted to join the mile high club. Robin said it was a 48 year old woman and a 28 year old man. Robin said the woman was trying to give him oral on the plane. Howard asked where they were going. Robin said she thinks they started out in Los Angeles and they were going to Detroit. Robin said they were going to different places after that but they tried hooking up on the flight to Detroit. Robin said she doesn't have any information on their looks or anything. Robin said they were caught and arrested. Robin said charges will be filed today.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that they glossed over Robin's story about a teacher who wanted to ruin her life. Robin said that was a long story. Robin said it was a long year of abuse and she was going into high school and that teacher put her into a dummy class. Robin said she wanted to learn something and she held her back.
Howard said poor Robin was abused at home and at school. Robin said school was great other than that woman. She said she hated her so much that she would read the obituaries hoping to read her name. Robin said this was in her book. Howard said they needed more details.
Robin read a story about a couple of police officers who are accused of raping an 18 year old in their police van. Robin said they claim it was consensual. Robin said she's not sure how that's consensual if you're arresting a woman. Howard said that's not a good time to do it. Robin said that they were both on duty and here should be no sex going down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's all charged up at the end of Cocktober. He said it's been amazing. He said he feels like he's losing a piece of his cock. Howard hung up on him.
Mariann from Brooklyn was on the phone next rambling about Beth and what a great man Howard is. Fred played her off but she kept going with her rambling. Howard let her go and did a live commercial read. Howard said he's woozy from today's show. He asked if he can do a 2 hour show.
Robin read a story about Kevin Spacey and how he has come out and said he will live his life as a gay man now that Anthony Rapp has come out and said that he was sexually assaulted by him when he was younger. Robin said he got into trouble immediately when he announced he's gay after this revelation. Robin said they have decided not to give him an award. Howard said he used to get bored when he got awards. Howard said they also canceled House of Cards. Howard said that's not cool. He said that he'll probably watch it but publicly boycott it. Howard said he loves the show. He said it's a shame. Howard said he heard they were planning on ending it anyway. Robin said they had a meeting with the staff without Kevin on set to make sure everyone was feeling safe. Robin said that Kevin's brother also came out and said that their dad was a child molester and a Nazi sympathizer. Howard said that's crazy. Howard said he heard he killed puppies too. Robin said the brother also describes Kevin as an empty vessel. The brother has also said that he didn't have kids because he didn't want to pass that gene on to anyone.
Gary came in with a picture of Kevin's brother who is a Rod Stewart impersonator. He had a picture of their dad too and he had a Hitler moustache. Robin said the brother said they had no chance of growing up well with such messed up parents. Howard said he heard Kevin's dad used to flip crippled kids wheelchairs over.
Robin said she spent 4 hours watching Kevin Spacey on Broadway doing a play. Robin said he is an incredible actor. Robin said she's not sure what to do.
Robin read a story about Harvey Weinstein who has been kicked out of the Producer's Guild. Robin said they are also saying that now his number of accusers is growing and it seems that his sexual harassing behavior goes back to the 70s. Robin said it's a decade longer than people thought.
Robin read a story about Andy Dick losing another role. Robin said he has been accused of sexually inappropriate behavior on the set. Robin said he may have groped people and licked and kissed at least 4 members of the production. Howard said it's disgusting that people are doing that stuff on set.
Howard said Kevin Spacey's dad would only put out a bowl of candy for the kids. Howard said this is what people are saying.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton talking about how she has faced sexism in her time in politics. Robin had some audio of her speaking at some event. Howard said she's appearing more now than when she was running.
Howard had Sour Shoes back on the line as Gary Dell'Abate talking about Kevin Spacey's accuser and linking him to other guests they have had on the show. Howard asked him to clear his throat. Sour Gary was doing that and saying he's handing out shrimp and vinyl for Halloween. He was rambling so Howard told him to tell those stories to Jon Hein.
Robin read a story about Bowe Bergdahl who was captured after walking away from his post. Robin said a lot of men went out to look for him and died or were severely injured. Robin said that Bowe went on the stand yesterday to talk about all of the pain he went through while he was captured. Robin said it wouldn't have happened if he didn't walk away on his own. Robin said that there was one woman whose husband was shot in the head trying to find Bowe. Robin said he can't walk or talk now.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said it's 65 degrees down there today in Florida. Howard said he lives in a shitty part though. Bobo said it's nice down there in Central Florida. Howard let him go after that.
Robin had Howard play some music. It was the national anthem of China. Howard said that's Fred's wedding song. Robin said they're considering a new law that could have people jailed for 3 years for disrespecting their national anthem. Robin said that's the difference between us and them.
Robin read a story about how a court has blocked President Trump from changing the rules about transgender people in the military. Robin said they can remain in their posts. Howard said he heard that Miss Cocktober just enlisted.
Robin read a story about how Sam Brownback may be forced to wait to join the Trump administration. Robin read some details on that story.
Robin read a story about the controversy with the George Washington plaque and how John Kelly is saying it's wrong to take down statues and things like that tied to the confederacy. Robin said the good thing about George Washington is that they were never under the impression that he didn't hold slaves. Howard said he hates all statues. He said they never look like the people they're supposed to be. Robin said George Washington was a slave owner at the age of 11 when his father died. Robin said at the time if his death he freed all of his slaves in his will. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show talking about how it's normal November. He said they said goodbye to Cocktober yesterday. Robin said there's nothing abnormal about cock. Howard said it is normal November.
Howard said today they have the most amount of musicians and instruments in the studio. He said they have 11 people coming in. He said Kelly Clarkson is going to come in and do a bunch of songs. He said he still loves that song ''Since You've Been Gone.'' He said She can really belt that out. Howard played some of the song.
Howard said he doesn't want to blow the load before She comes in. Howard said She has an amazing story about how She got on American Idol. He said they'll save that for later.
Howard said Robin is going to be in studio singing. He said she's cutting new tracks honoring the new singers out there. Howard said she's done classic artists like Whitney Houston. He played some of Robin singing. Howard said she's going to do a bunch of songs today. Robin said they have Miley, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry... Howard asked if She has a list of songs. Robin said She does. She's also doing Demi Lovato songs. Howard said she's also going to be doing a Taylor Swift song. Robin said it's her latest one. Howard asked how long that session will take. Robin said it depends on her inspiration. Robin said it usually takes no time at all.
Howard said if they ever get that video thing going they'll have Robin do a special. Howard played a bunch of Robin song clips that she's done in the past.
Howard said yesterday he left people hanging about this David Letterman Netflix show he'll be doing. He said he doesn't have a lot of details about it. He said it's happening sometime after December and here is a live audience. Howard said it's like a 17 day taping time. He said that they do a walk around with him too. Fred said it's a field piece. Howard said he's right. He said he'll be doing that.
Howard said he doesn't know much about Dave's show but it's 6 shows and he's getting $15 million for those 6 shows. Robin said that's reason enough to come out of retirement.
Howard took a call from Evil Dave (clips) and said he has Letterman on the phone. Dave was joking about a few things and Howard went through the script with the guys playing clips of Evil Dave. Dave talked about why he's doing the Netflix thing.
Howard asked Dave about the new show and Dave said any staffer can approach him about anything but they'll get fired if they do it. Howard let Dave go a short time later.
Robin said She had a guy who used to chase her around saying his kid could sing. She said he did that while Howard was on America's Got Talent. Howard said he's glad he's done with that show. He said when he was younger he could do 50 jobs but now he wants free time. Robin said he wants to chill out and paint. Howard said he used to sit there and talk and then they'd edit out a lot of what he said. He said he thinks they didn't need the other judges on the show. Robin said that's an idea for another show. Howard said he was offered like 50 game shows and he got offered a bunch of his own judging shows. He said even a Judge Judy type thing. Howard said the most interesting thing is Howard has a free day where he sits around doing nothing.
Howard said the new app they're working on is taking up a lot of time. Howard said he has a few things in the works. He said he won't be talking about some of that for a few months.
Howard said he's very busy but you have to pick and choose the right thing like Jerry Seinfeld said.
Howard said this show takes up most of his time. Robin said it's not easy to do a Cocktober. Howard said that took a lot of effort actually. He said the events were very well executed. Howard said they did a lot.
Howard said he heard some gossip this morning about Scott the Engineer. Howard said yesterday was Halloween and SiriusXM had a pizza party for the staff. Howard said Scott the Engineer emerged and said he was going to cut in line to get one slice. Howard said he just cut in line. Howard said maybe everyone wanted a slice. Howard said he just cut and no one stopped him. He said people may have been in shock. Howard said it was for the whole building or staff there. Howard said it wasn't just for them.
Howard said Scott cut in line. Howard said he knows what he does and it's not that important. Howard asked if anyone witnessed that or are they getting it second hand. Gary said there's a guy in the office who saw it but he doesn't want to come on the air. Gary said he heard Scott said one slice but then he took 2. Howard asked if he thinks he's a star. Robin said he passed people from their confab and broke into the front of the line.
Howard said he was told he could cut in line on his movie. He said that he was like no fucking way he's going to walk in front of union guys and tell them that. Howard said he's too self aware to do that.
Howard asked where Scott is. Scott came in a few seconds later. Scott said there were only about 4 people in line behind him. Gary said here are people saying there were at least 20. Howard said Scott gained a lot of weight back too. Scott said he knows. Howard asked how he rationalizes that. Scott said it was wrong. He said he knows it's wrong. Howard asked why he would do that. Scott said he asked and they said ''go ahead.'' Howard said he can't believe the arrogance. He said Scott complains about everything and then he cuts in line. Howard said when it comes to him he cuts in line.
Howard said this is a big deal. He asked if he's out of his mind. Scott said he's a diva. Howard said he was standing there and saw people in line and he cut. Scott said he's too important. He said he didn't say that. Howard asked what he said. Scott said he was talking to someone they work with and he didn't think about it. He said it was stupid. Howard said he doesn't believe him. He said he thinks Scott thinks he's on the air and he's from the Howard Stern Show and he cuts. Scott said he's like everyone else and he's just an asshole. Howard said he's like a man of the people. He said he points it out when people get special treatment.
Scott said he made a mistake and he's admitting it. Scott said he shouldn't have had any pizza at all. He said he's trying to lose weight. Howard said he's back up in weight. Scott said he gained 40 pounds. Howard said he looks like an Avocado now. Howard asked if he just gave up. Scott said he had a lot of stress going on. Howard said everyone has stress. He said he gained 2 pounds over the weekend and panicked. Scott said he kept saying he was going to lose weight and then he realized he was 40 over.
Howard asked Scott if he had any candy. Scott said he had a Twizzler. He said that was it. Howard said that's not the candy you eat if you eat candy. He said he'd have a Snickers or something.
Howard played a song that Scott performed for them. Howard said Twizzlers are the saddest kind of candy. He said that's garbage. Robin asked what a Snickers is. Howard said that's good. Scott said he's sorry he cut in line.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the only reason he cut the line is because he thinks he deserved it. Scott asked the guy where he works. The caller wasn't saying. The caller said he thinks he did it just to get on the air. Howard said Scott doesn't do that. He wishes he did.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he thinks Scott feels entitled. He said he's like kids these days. Howard and Fred goofed on Scott with their impressions of him.
Howard thanked Scott for cutting in line. Scott said he can do it any time. Howard said he has a million jokes. He did an impression of Scott.
Howard asked why they've never heard from him before. Eugene said that he didn't think anyone would ever want to talk to him. He said his daughter used to tell him to call and he had tried calling but he didn't get through. He said he got through this week and everyone was laughing and loving it.
Howard said Eugene is the caller of the month. He asked where he grew up. Eugene said he grew up in Kentucky. He said he's lived on a farm all his life. He said he thinks Howard has a good work ethic. Howard said he appreciates him saying that.
Howard asked Eugene about having the collie farm and about liking Richard on the show. He asked if he's a fan of Sal's too. Eugene said he is not. He said he told Shuli yesterday that he didn't like what Sal did years ago when he smelled a girl's underpants. He said that if he did that to his daughter he'd invite him to go hunting and they'd have a hunting accident. Howard said Sal told a story about smelling underpants and it got too pervy. Howard said he'd take Sal on a hike and he'd have an accident falling off a cliff if he did that to his daughter.
Howard said Richard and Sal are a package deal. He said you have to buy into both if you buy into one.
Howard asked Eugene about how far he got in school. Eugene said he won't believe it but he finished college. He said it took him 14 years. Howard said he believes that. Eugene said that he'd go and quit and go and quit. He said it just took him a long time. He said he'd save up and go. He said his grandfather told him he had to get an education. He said he doesn't sound smart but you learn a lot farming. He said they get a lot of common sense. He said he doesn't see that in young people these days.
Howard said he likes his down home approach to life. Howard asked what college he went to. Eugene said he went to a little Christian school there in Kentucky. Howard asked if he would cut in line for pizza in school. Eugene said they were pretty strict there. He said you weren't allowed to cut.
Robin asked what he majored in. Eugene said it was in business. He said he didn't get anything fancy. He said he wasn't too confident so he stuck to something simple.
Howard asked if he's circumcised. Eugene said he is. Howard said he didn't think they were down there in the south. Eugene said that he thinks only the Jews aren't. Howard said it's the opposite because all the Jews are. Eugene said he got that backwards. He said he is circumcised though.
Howard asked if Eugene is a big Trump guy. Eugene said he was telling Shuli yesterday that he leans more toward the right but with Trump he couldn't vote for Hillary. He said he's not sure he's doing too well with Trump but he's not sure if he did the right thing or not. Howard said he wasn't happy with either choice. Eugene said he was pissed at the republicans because they should be able to get someone better to run. He said he doesn't like any of that stuff so he won't run.
Howard asked if he hunts for his own food. Eugene said he does. He said if you kill something you have to eat it. He said that you have to eat it because that's the way God intended it. Howard asked what kind of things he eats. Eugene said they have seasons for what they can hunt and they have different firearms for different seasons. He said it all depends.
Howard asked how old he was when he first got laid. Eugene said he was probably 18 or 19. He said he didn't start too young. Howard said he thought they started young on the farm. Robin said you have to have a girl around. Eugene said she's right about that. Howard said Richard started taking baths with his friends. Eugene said that's not happening.
Howard asked Eugene how old he was when he got married. Eugene said he was about 20 something. Howard asked if his wife is hot. Eugene said she's a looker. He said she's hot. Howard asked if she's really that hot.
Howard asked if he has a beard. Eugene said he does. He said he's told he looks like Woody Harrelson. Howard asked if his wife is Ellie May hot. Eugene said She is. He said she's really good looking. Howard asked if anyone comes on to her. Eugene said they know she's his so they don't do anything. Howard asked if She has nice boobs. Eugene said She has nice ones. He said that they're not too big.
Howard asked if there are any black people down there. Eugene said there aren't too many. He said he doesn't have anything against them but there aren't too many out there. He said it seems like they're moving back toward the city. He said they used to work on the farms but now they have Mexicans doing that.
Howard said if he lived out there he'd probably jerk off outside. Eugene said he's done that. Howard asked how much property he has. Eugene said he has 56 acres. Howard asked if he can see his neighbors. Eugene said he can see lights at night but not during the day. Howard said he'd like to have a place like that. Eugene said he can start looking for him today. Howard asked how much something like that would cost. Eugene said it's been in the family for a long time but it's probably worth about 10,000 an acre. Howard said he has to do a little math there. He figured it was about 56 million. Eugene said that can't be right. Howard said he'll have to do the math over again. Howard did it and came up with $560,000. Eugene said that sounds about right. He said his has been in the family a long time so he didn't have to pay that.
Howard said it sounds like you can have a decent place out there for that kind of money. Eugene said you can. He said you have to decide if you like the house or not. He said some people bulldoze the house and build a mansion on there. Howard said they could live like kings down there. Eugene said he'd have to get up pretty early to commute.
Howard asked if anyone has their own landing strip down there. Eugene said there are some people who do. He said there was a guy who had a whole airport operation going on. He said he's sure there are others down there who have that kind of thing.
Howard said Eugene is caller of the month and everyone likes him. He said that they have to give him something. Eugene said he doesn't want to owe him anything. Howard said he has a Jim Bakker food bucket he can give him or a Hit 'em with the Hein patch. Howard said he's not sure how that would go over in Kentucky. Howard said he could give him one of JD's spoons from his spoon collection. Howard asked JD what he has. JD said he has a whole box of them. He can look through it real quick. Howard said Eugene wants his best one. Eugene said he'll use it at Thanksgiving dinner.
JD came in with the box of spoons that people have sent to him there. Howard asked where his Applebees spoon is. JD said he has it somewhere. JD said he has some spoons there for Super Spoon. JD went through the spoons and asked Eugene if he wanted them. Eugene said he'd take the Super spoon.
Howard accidentally hung up on Eugene. Howard said he didn't mean to do that. Howard took a call from another guy who said this guy isn't real. He said he's getting the wool pulled over his eyes. He said that he figured out that this guy is pranking him. Howard said he's real. He said Shuli called him yesterday. The caller said he's getting pranked and he knows it. Howard said he'll get Eugene back on and he can ask him questions. The caller said this guy is a prankster who does the Roy D. Mercer stuff. Howard asked who that is. The caller said to look it up.
Howard got Eugene back on the line and told the other guy, Jason, to shut up. Howard asked Eugene if he's a fake. Eugene said that he's Eugene Delray and he's a farmer. Howard had Jason ask him some questions. Jason asked how many acres he farms. Eugene said they have 56 acres. He said they grow corn and raise cattle. Howard said Jason isn't proving anything. Eugene told Jason they grow silage and they feed the cattle with that. He said they keep 400 head of cattle in the barn because they gain more weight in the barn because they don't walk it off. Jason asked how big the barn is. Eugene said it's about 150 feet by about 100 feet. Jason asked if they keep 400 cattle in there. Eugene said he can come down and see the damn barn if he wants to.
Howard said if he's a fake when does the joke start. Jason said it's started already. Howard said there's no joke there. He said Eugene answered his questions. Jason said there's no way he can fit that many cattle in that barn. Eugene said it's plenty big enough. Jason called it a shed but Eugene said it's a barn. He said there's a difference there. He said they keep 400 head in the barn.
Howard said he believes Eugene. He said he's giving him that spoon. Eugene said that's fine. He said he'll send some pictures once he gets that Flat Ronnie. Howard said he got some of that blow back about people not believing him. He said he believes that Eugene is real. He let Eugene go after that.
Howard said he has a lot of stuff to get to about High Pitch Erik before Kelly Clarkson comes in. He said he has to get to that after a break. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break.
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Howard said no one suspected this guy who drove the truck into people in New York City yesterday but they suspect Eugene. Howard said that was some horror scene yesterday. Robin said it's getting to be too normal. Robin said they were all chipper on the news after that. Howard said they should ban trucks. He said when people have trucks they wreak havoc. He said that was just disgusting yesterday. Howard said they're basically crazy people. She said they're glad he's alive so they can find out why and how. Robin said they know that in ISIS there are a lot of crazies running around and they tell them to yell out allah akbar and try to kill people.
Howard said that Wendy Williams passed out on her show yesterday. Howard said he missed a show earlier this year and Wendy bragged that She has never missed a show. Howard said people make a big deal out of everything with his show. Howard said he's been on the air a lot longer than She has.
Howard said he's going to play him calling up a political radio show making a phony phone call. Howard said this show was talking about race relations and he called in to talk about trans like Tula. Howard played the call and the guys used clips of him talking about transgender people like Tula appearing in Playboy. They had Howard asking if it's wrong for him to blow her and things like that. The hosts said he must not have anything better to do. Howard said these shows have no callers so they put on anyone who calls in.
Howard said he was reading in the news that Andy Dick was accused of sexual harassment. Howard said this stuff is going wild in the news. Howard said Andy was accused of grabbing genitals and licking and kissing people on the set of a movie. Howard said that Andy claims he was trying to get a date. Howard said Dick said that they could say no and they probably did so it's not a problem. Robin said no one wants to be licked though. Howard said that's the worst part.
Howard said when they checked in with Andy last he was living in a shed. Gary said it was a storage unit but it was kind of nice. He said it was very small though.
Howard took a call from an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator saying he's upset that Cocktober is over. Howard spent a short time going through the scripted bit with phony Arnold.
Howard asked if Robin is flowing the whole baseball thing. Robin said She just knows it's coming down to the final game. Robin said it's happening tonight She thinks. Howard said that's the biggest insult that he'll tune in for just the final game. Howard said he hasn't been following it.
Howard said he doesn't know what it is with him but he doesn't care. He said he has so many other things he's into. Robin said they could say the same thing about his painting. Howard said the difference is that he spends his free time trying to be an expert at something. Robin said people become good at analyzing the game. Howard said he hates to see people excel at something that he cant. He said he wants to do them well. Robin said he does this well.
Howard said some Astros fan gave them a shout out at a game. Howard played a clip of someone giving them a Ronnie the Limo Driver, JD and a Hit 'em with the Hein shout out. Howard said he loves to hear a superfan give 50 shout outs and the reporter has no idea.
Howard took a call from a guy (one of the guys in the office) who said that wasn't the real Arnold on the phone earlier. He said he just wanted them all to know. He said Scott Salem can't be real either because no one can be that rude.
Howard said in the first clip Vinnie wants Erik to do an hour long show but Erik wants to watch the Yankees playoff game. Howard said Erik gets annoyed and he doesn't want to pay attention to his feed. Howard said he has to do stuff to get people to watch. Howard said Erik ends up arguing with Vinnie about the whole thing. Howard said he also keeps his computer turned up so there's an echo the whole time. Howard played the clip and Erik was yelling at Vinnie and it was echoing as he was arguing with him about doing a show during the game. Erik was saying he just wants to watch the game. Howard said no one gets disturbed that there's echo. Howard asked why they don't wake up and realize that. Howard said Erik wants nothing to do with his own show.
Howard said from what he understands Vinnie pays for Erik's cell phone service and he threatens to cut that off. Howard said in this next clip Vinnie pranks Erik and tries to convince him that he's getting his cell service cut off. Howard played that clip and Erik was talking to Vinnie but Vinnie pretended he couldn't hear him and pretended he was talking to someone about having all of his stuff cut off. Erik was calling him an asshole.
Howard said Vinnie is the only producer who pranks the talent. Robin said he has to create these situations to do a show.
Howard said Erik has the worst show. Howard had Shuli on the phone doing his Erik impression with echo on his voice. Howard tried talking to fake Erik but he was just talking with the echo.
Howard said that Vinnie finally got Erik to do a show but then everyone was pranking Erik. Howard said the whole thing goes nuts. Howard said it turns into a yell fest. Howard played the clip and Vinnie was talking to Erik about how he puts everything else before his show and he has to stop that. Vinnie was putting people on the line with Erik and Erik wasn't playing along with it. He was just saying ''Lalalalala'' while Vinnie was talking to people. He was also saying ''fuck you'' over and over.
Howard said how about that. Robin said that's some show. Howard said that's how Rush Limbaugh started. He said Vinnie masterminded Erik's career.
Howard asked if Robin wants more. Robin said sure. Howard said from what he can tell Erik has some girl in his life named Nikki who feels bad for him and hangs out with him. Howard said somehow Erik is on the phone with Vinnie and Erik is in the car with Nikki. They find out that Nikki's pictures were posted on the web site and Nikki wants to kick Erik out of the car and Erik has to beg Vinnie to apologize to Nikki and begging Nikki not to kick him out of the car. Howard said Game of Thrones is easier to follow. Howard said if he didn't explain it then it wouldn't make any sense.
Howard played a clip and Erik was saying that Nikki threw his stuff out of the car. Erik told Vinnie to apologize to Nikki. Erik was yelling and begging Nikki not to throw him out. He said Vinnie said he's sorry. Nikki was screaming at Erik to get out of her car. She was screaming at him to get the fuck out. Erik was telling Vinnie to apologize.
Howard asked how that is for drama. Robin said ''Wow.'' Howard wondered how Erik isn't having heart attacks constantly from this. Howard said he has this going on all the time in his life. Howard said if he had to sit through all of the bullshit to get to that point you'd get bored. Howard said these are the highlights from the show. Howard said it was so boring but then Erik announces he wants to eat peanut butter. Howard said he said he was going to eat the whole jar. Howard said he has to eat a whole jar or a whole box of cereal.
Howard said Erik was on Periscope too. Howard said it's the weirdest thing. Howard said everyone has a show and he's watching. Howard said he figured out that Vinnie types to Erik and a computer voice reads it. Howard said you wouldn't know what's going on if he didn't explain it. Howard said it's like a Hal from 2001 a Space Odyssey when it talks.
Howard played a clip of Erik talking about how he's going to eat a whole jar of peanut butter. Then the computer voice starts talking. Erik eats his peanut butter and the computer tells him to inform people to watch his YouTube channel. Erik does that but then he says he's going to take a nap.
Howard said that's action. He said that was all on Periscope. Howard said if you get people on YouTube they make some money. He's not making any on Periscope. Howard said talking business to Erik is tough though. Howard said that's an update on Erik. Robin asked how he's going to get that surgery and make it through. Howard said it's not a good thing for your surgeon to listen to. Howard went to break after that.
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The caller also asked about the LBJ movie with Woody Harrelson in it and if he's excited about seeing how he does that. Howard said he's not excited about that. He said he likes Woody but he's not excited about it.
Howard said he's excited for Kelly Clarkson to come in. Robin said She sees some of the instruments in there. Robin said She had to leave the compound to use the bathroom. Robin said someone was in the bathroom the whole break. Robin said She went out and there was someone practicing vocalizing in the bathroom. She said that She was making all kinds of noise. Robin said She just had to pee. Howard said he's to blame for that. Howard said he told them not to let Robin stink up the bathroom in there.
Howard said he took voice lessons when he was younger and went to a woman Betty Ann who had him doing a technique. Howard said he can't remember what it was. Fred played a clip of Benjy making a weird noise. Howard said he felt like an idiot because he spent 4 years in college not doing that. He said his father wanted him to be in an acting school or something. Howard said this Betty Ann told him to shave off his moustache. Howard said She told him that if they have a moustache that men try to keep their mouth looking straight and they don't emote. She said they keep their lip stiff. Howard said he was like ''Oh shit'' so he did it. Howard said he shaved it even though he wasn't uptight with the moustache.
Howard said the woman took him and started dunking his head in a bucket of warm water. Howard said then you'd make a lip vibrating noise. He said when he started on WRNW he'd do that before doing a show. He said he'd be breathing in a warm bucket of water. Howard said the whole thing was just to get relaxed.
Howard said Ralph is on the phone and he says there's a new form of pan handling. He said people will ask you to swipe you through the turnstiles in the subway. He said Ralph will just tell people ''fuck you'' if they ask.
Howard said he has the top 5 songs. He went through them with Imagine Dragons at number 5. Number 4 was Portugal The Man. He said number 3 was Logic featuring Alessia Cara & Khalid. Howard had Underdog (Rachel Butera) singing that. Howard said number 2 is Cardi B who was on Jimmy Kimmel with him. Howard said Underdog sings that one too. Howard played the clip of Underdog singing. Howard said number 1 is Post Malone featuring 21 Savage.
Howard said he's going to take a break and then get to Kelly Clarkson. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
Howard came back and said he has Kelly Clarkson there. He said he wishes he could be a musician. Howard said it's great to meet Kelly. He said it's exciting. Kelly said everyone is excited but nervous. Howard said it must be miserable being up this early. He asked if everyone went to bed. Kelly said they're all on L.A. time so they're all messed up. She said that they were on the Today Show and She hasn't slept since.
Howard asked if she's able to sing at this time of morning. Kelly said She was just as surprised as he is. She said your body has to get used to it. She said the other girls have to do that scream kind of thing. Howard said this might be the biggest set up they've ever had. Howard said even Metallica didn't have this much going on. Kelly said they're doing Enter Sandman too.
Howard said he was shocked to learn that her new album is the first time she's out of her American Idol contract. Kelly said She is. Howard asked if that's possible it's been that many years. She said it really is. Howard said She would have signed any contract at that point. Kelly said She turned a couple down. Kelly said She had leverage when She was on American Idol. She said She felt like it was a smarter decision to do that. She said you have zero leverage when you sign with a label. Howard asked how many albums She owed the American Idol people. She said it was supposed to be 6 but then her Christmas album was supposed to compete it and it didn't. She said She had to put out piece by piece after that. Howard said you can't just phone it in either. He said that could ruin her career. Kelly said She was close a few times.
Howard said Kelly's keyboard player has been with her since her Idol days. Kelly said She stole him from Justin Guarini.
Howard said he thinks it's weird that they're going to try launching American Idol again. Kelly said when She was on the finale She was told not to say it's over. She said they told her they might bring it back. She said She figured it might be a 5 years or so. She said they could have let it breathe. Kelly said that She gave them 15 years and they didn't come to her.
Howard said The Voice is very popular but no one has had a big star like Kelly. Howard asked what it was about Idol that they were able to find someone like her. Kelly said it's not a lack of talent. She said She thinks it's a timing thing. She said it was a novel idea at the time too.
Kelly said they didn't just showcase your voice. She said that it was about personality too. She said it's not just about the music. Howard said he reads about Idol starting and how Rupert Murdoch's daughter seeing it in another country and She tried to convince her father to put it on FOX. Howard said Simon Cowell didn't want to do it because no one would take him seriously. Howard said he remembers how Paula Abdul didn't even wear makeup in the beginning. Kelly said that no one was taking it seriously at all. She said it was Ghetto Idol in the beginning.
Howard said Kelly had a miserable childhood. She has a brother and a sister. She said She has a bunch of half brothers and step-siblings too. Howard asked where She grew up. Kelly said She grew up in Texas. She didn't grow up with her brother and sister. She went with her mom and her brother ended up with her father and her sister ended up with her aunt. Kelly said She ended up with her mother. Howard said that's weird that She didn't get to stay with her brother and sister. Kelly said She doesn't remember a lot of it. She said She thinks that's why she's an artist and a writer. She said She didn't meet or hang out with her brother until he was in Alaska. She said it is weird. Howard said that maybe kids who are traumatized go through that.
Kelly said She remembers being relieved that the volatile situations were over when the divorce happened. She said that She knew everyone was super unhappy. She said her dad was a horrible person and her mom was unhappy. Howard said writing songs about it must make her sad. Kelly said that She has done ''Because of you'' so much it's like playing a character. She said ''Piece By Piece'' is still hard.
Howard asked how Kelly learned She could sing. She said She was 13 and singing in the hallway. She said She had to pick band or choir and She went with choir. Howard asked if it bugs her that She can't play. She said no. Kelly said She can play chords. She said She can't play Beethoven right away and She gives up. She said that She has worked hard at doing classical B.S. that She didn't want to do. She said She had to work hard vocally and She didn't want to do that with something else.
Howard asked if they made her sing opera. Kelly said they did. She said they made you perform behind screens and She performed a lot to a screen growing up. She said that they had to be technically perfect all the time. She said She was very hard on herself. She said not anymore though.
Howard asked if She had perfect pitch at 13 or was it real work. Kelly said it came naturally to her but She wasn't perfect from the start. She said She had to work hard to get scholarships and stuff.
Howard said She wanted to be a musician though. Howard said She made a demo and then what. Kelly said She sent it to everyone She could. She said her friend helped pay for that. She said She ended up buying a car for that friend when She won Idol. Kelly said She was looking up names in the phone book to find people to mail the demo to. She said her pictures were awful but She sent them out.
Kelly said She got work right away. She said She sang background on a bunch of stuff. She said She worked with a bunch of people who had worked with big stars. Howard asked if She thought she'd go out and conquer the world. Kelly said absolutely not. She said She grew up with a lot of talented singers. She said She had a lot in school with her.
Howard asked if her mom was upset about her getting into music. Kelly said that her mom is a teacher so it didn't go over that well. Howard asked if She asked her mom why her brother and sister didn't live with her. Kelly said that She never did. She said She would never do that to her. She said She had friends who were like family to her. She said one of her best friends does her makeup. She said She still does it to this day. She said She has great friends from childhood.
Howard asked if She went berserk when She got hits. Kelly said She went to the grocery store and people were talking to her. She said She broke down about getting milk. She said She likes talking to people but it clicked that she'd never have her privacy back. Howard said that's the dream to be recognized. Kelly said it is but you can't take it back. She said there's no choice.
Howard asked Kelly if She ever got to the point where She became the asshole and got out of line acting like a diva. Kelly said She didn't handle it well when She tried to be perfect. Kelly said there was one show She did where the music coming into her ear was a half step higher and off key and She did that show off key. She said She lost her shit when She was done. She said She was so mad that She had no control over it. She said She thinks She learned a lesson to just let it go.
Howard asked if it pisses her off when people sing to a track and double their voice. Kelly said the part that makes her mad is when She gets compared to that. She said it's a different ball game when you're dancing to your music. She said she's a different singer. Howard said She can really sing. Kelly said Beyonce can too but She does a different kind of show. Howard said you know something is up if someone is dancing and singing. Howard said he's not hating on it but it's a different thing. Robin said Lady Gaga does both. She sings and dances. Howard asked if Kelly would ever use Autotune. Kelly said no way.
Howard asked Kelly where She went to live in L.A. Kelly said She was working at Six Flags over Texas and singing there. Howard said that's a great gig. Kelly said She was making 10 bucks and hour at 18. She said She was right out of high school. Kelly said She ended up meeting a girl there who She found crying one day. She said they didn't have anything in common but She was about to move to L.A. and her roommate bailed on her. She said She agreed to move there with her. She said that She gets along with everyone pretty much. She said She can get along with assholes for 15 years. She said that's her hidden talent. Kelly said She didn't know this girl but She had a sugar daddy and She didn't have to work. Meanwhile She had to work 4 jobs. Kelly said She figured that girl must be incredible in bed.
Howard said Kelly did some TV shows and stuff. Kelly said her roommate wanted to be an actress so She ended up doing some of that. Howard said then She got a job with this song writer and then what. Kelly said it's weird because the apartment She was going to live in burned down the day they moved in. Howard asked if She went back to Texas. Kelly said She slept in her car for 3 days. She said that the roommate ended up going off with some other guys and She hasn't heard from her since.
Howard said Kelly is in L.A. and living in her car and where is She parking. Kelly said She had a job and She didn't want to move home. She ended up staying for a few days.
Howard asked what happened after that. Kelly said there was a show called Pop Stars before American Idol. She said that She found out about that and ended up auditioning for American Idol after moving back to Texas. Kelly said She had called her boss when She got back and She was fourth in line at Idol. She said She showed up early morning and She got in quickly.
Howard asked if She knew anyone there when She got to the audition. Kelly said She knew of Randy Jackson. She said She had no idea who Simon was. Howard said Ryan Seacrest and Brian Dunkelman were there. Kelly said they liked Brian. She said she's not sure he left either. She said they may have gotten rid of him. Howard said She didn't even know it was a TV show. Kelly said She just wanted to pay a bill so She went to the audition.
Howard said he read that they knew She had talent but they didn't really recognize her. Kelly said that Simon said She wasn't memorable. Howard said then the show hits the air and becomes really big. Howard said it built a following quickly. Kelly said it was in the top 3. She said they had no idea though. She said they were all in a bubble. Howard said they were all living together in a house. Howard said they didn't even get clearance for songs on the show. Kelly said that they all clear the songs now. Kelly said the only songs that were easy to clear were Motown songs. She said that's what they had to cover.
Howard said when it came down to the finale they manufactured a romance between Kelly and Justin Guarini. She said they weren't dating at the time but they did try it. She said they weren't similar enough. She said she's not a fan of ''opposites attract.'' Kelly said when they stopped talking about it they did date.
Kelly said they would go out together and people were mean to them. She said they don't know how hard it is. She said She got elbowed in the face when She was helping give an award to someone. Howard said that he had Robert Plant in there the other day and Led Zeppelin took off quickly. Kelly said that She and Justin would talk things out after something horrible happened.
Howard said Kelly ended up winning Idol and they put out a single the next day when people were still buying music in droves. Howard said Kelly didn't feel that connected to the song. Kelly said it was a moment that changed her life. She said it's not a song She would have been like ''can't wait to sing that.'' She said She likes songs but doesn't want to sing them necessarily. She said that was a special moment and She gets why that is.
Howard asked if it's painful to hear those songs. Kelly said it's not. She said it was perfect for what it was. She said the people She worked with on that were lovely. Howard asked when She last performed ''A Moment Like This.'' Kelly said it was a couple of years ago and before that it was probably on Idol.
Howard said he's going to ask her to take us back and do this song. Kelly said She doesn't mind doing it but it's not what She grew up listening to. She said it's not that vibe. Howard asked them to perform the song ''A Moment Like This.'' Kelly did it but after the song She said the microphone was shocking her every time her lip touched it.
Howard said he liked the song. Howard asked if Avril Lavigne is the one who elbowed her in the face. Kelly said it was her but she's not sure if She did it on purpose or not. She said she's a fan of her's too. She said She did say something to her years later and She claimed She didn't know She did it.
Howard said that it's so strange that Avril is the reason She had a hit song. Kelly said that was thanks to Disney. Howard said next time Avril is on the show he'll have to shock her. Kelly said she's still a fan and she's not upset about it.
Howard said Kelly had to put a song out with RCA and then her song sky rockets to number 1. Kelly said they had no idea that it was doing that well. She said they were all working to death. She said that the song shot to number 1. Howard asked how quickly they put pressure on her. Kelly said it was quick. She said that She was dying to make a record so She was ready to go.
Howard played some of Kelly's songs from her first album. Howard said She had a hit with her first single and said that was turned down by Destiny's Child and others. Kelly said She changed it around a bit to finish the song.
Howard said the record company didn't want to put the song out. Kelly said She had to throw a full tantrum to get it on the record. She said She needed this after ''A Moment Like This.'' She said She was told She was the next Whitney Houston and She had to sing ballads. She said She didn't want to do that. She said She was 20 and even Whitney got to do songs other than ballads.
Kelly said that She has to thank Simon Fuller because She didn't want to do the movie that they wanted her to. Howard asked if She sat down with him and said She didn't want to do it. Kelly said She begged him not to make her do it. She said that was part of the deal though. She said She begged him to let her release her single before the movie dropped and that may have saved her career. Howard said that movie could have ruined everything. Kelly said they shot that in 28 days. She said She had to learn choreography and her lines in 28 days. She said She didn't want to do that.
Howard said they can take a gem like her and railroad her out of show business with just one bad movie. Kelly said that part was great because She didn't wanted to be an actress. She said it worked for her in that way.
Howard said saying no to things is key. He said putting kids in a movie is a crap shoot. He said you have to think it through. Kelly said the acting thing was weird for her. She said She had to get drunk to see the movie at the premiere. She said She was mortified there. She said that all of her friends give her shit so they were making fun of it that night. She said that it wasn't good.
Howard said Kelly made the comment recently about how they asked her to keep her weight down and things like that. Howard said She said that was horrible and She was just miserable in her life at the time. Kelly said even in her childhood everyone had something to say. She said She had enough armor built by the time She got into that so She was able to handle it. Kelly said She will just get fatter if someone says that to her. She said she's living her own life so stay on your own front porch. She said not everyone is built like that. Kelly said She said that some girls take it to heart and it tears them up and breaks them. Kelly said they shouldn't have to have that conversation.
Howard said imagine if there was social media back then on Idol. Kelly said She would have taken them on.
Howard said the second album comes out and what happens. Kelly said that one was tough to make. She said She worked with Clive Owen on that. She said that She had to fight over a lot on that. The album was called ''Breakaway'' and She didn't name it. She said that She didn't like the demo for her hit ''Since You've Been Gone'' and didn't think it was her. That was a song that Pink turned down. Kelly said that it was so different though that she's not surprised She turned it down.
Howard asked if Kelly can perform ''Since You've Been Gone'' now. Kelly said she's good to go. Howard said he'll quiet down. They went into the song and did a shortened version of it.
Howard said that song gets him every time. Howard said these days you have to understand the music and touch every part of it.
Howard said that Kelly won a Grammy for that album and that song. Howard asked if She was relieved after winning that or is She just easy going. Kelly said She wanted to make more music after that. She said She knew that record was in her. She said that She didn't harp on it because She knew it would come. She said She didn't know that this album would take 15 years. She said that song was fun to sing but it wasn't her best foot forward. She said that was fun but She knew She was capable of more.
Howard played another song from that album. Kelly said She hates her voice on that album. Howard said he thinks She sounds like She has a big voice on this album. Kelly said it's super white sounding to her. Howard asked how they do that. Kelly said you just do what they want to get out of the studio. She said She loves the song because She wrote it. Howard asked if She wishes She could do it her own way. Kelly said maybe they knew better for radio. She said She thinks that we're our own worst enemy.
Howard asked if She would ever go back and perform them the way She wants to. Kelly said she's good. She asked Howard to stop the song. She said that She loves it but She loves touring because that changes everything. She said She sounds like herself when she's on tour.
Howard said this album was about a guy who broke up with her and married another woman a month later. Kelly said he was seeing her the whole time. She said it was a complete betrayal. She said that he had a different life going on. She said her dad did that to her mom too. Howard asked if it was tough seeing her go through that. Kelly said it was.
Howard asked if ''Because of You'' is about her father. She said it's about a lot of people. She said that it was about living in that environment. Howard said She wanted this song on her first album and they told her no. Kelly said they didn't want it because it didn't rhyme. She said it was a general consensus that it was a shit song. Howard asked what made her go to battle over it. Kelly said her lawyer is like a stand in father. She said she's the longest working employee for her and he had her back. She said he asked what She wanted to do with the song and She heard that Evanescence had a hit song with that sound and She thought She could have a hit too. Howard said Clive Davis takes credit for her career and She had to fight with him over that song. Kelly said She loved that Clive took over the label at the time. She said that She had diner with him and it was lovely but then things changed. She said he just wanted her to shut up and sing. She said She wondered how he was involved with so many stars. She said She wanted to work with that guy who made all of the hits.
Howard asked if it's true that Clive said to her that She should be happy with all of the gifts that he bestows upon her. She said he did. She said that She sent him flowers thanking him for the gifts he has bestowed upon her and She doesn't think he got the sarcasm.
Howard asked if they can perform ''Because of You'' now. Kelly and the band went into it and did a shortened version of the song.
After the song Howard talked to her about the meaning of the song. Howard said he hates to tell her that but it doesn't rhyme.
Howard said he'd like them to perform ''Breakaway.'' Howard said this was co-written by Avril Lavigne. Kelly said that She didn't want it on her own album. She said that was a sleeper song. She said it came out of nowhere and became a hit. Kelly said it's a sing along song so She was glad to do it. Howard had them perform some of ''Breakaway.''
After the song Kelly said the song is very country. Howard said he loves it. Howard said it's amazing how many hits She has. Kelly said it's funny because She has this conversation with her husband about how 15 years later she's making an album She adores. She said it's funny that it's now.
Howard said She finally gets happy with the new album. Kelly said that older stuff wasn't so happy. Howard asked if She lives on a farm. Kelly said that they have a farm but they live on the river. She said that her family is about 6 hours apart now. She said they used to live in Texas but you can't work and live in that place. He said that's why no one is there. She said that Tennessee is the place to live.
Howard asked if She dreamt about meeting her brother and sister and hanging out with them. Kelly said that they are older than her and they remembered her. She said her sister is her best friend. She said her dad isn't around but he's still alive. She said She doesn't think he's doing well. She said She has tried getting in touch and it didn't work out. She said at one point he got a letter from him and he was asking for money. She said She was done being hurt by him so She doesn't try now.
Robin asked if anyone is in touch with her father. Kelly said She thinks that her brother is. She said he was the one it hurt the most and wanted that relationship. Kelly said that She did try to make it work with her dad for her brother.
Howard asked if Kelly's husband is the one who made her realize that a man could be trusted. Kelly said the first time She saw him her whole body was into him. She said She was at an awards show and She was performing with the Rascal Flatts and Brandon walked by and said something. She said She pretends that she's not interested. She said he was married at the time but then they ran into each other years later. She said that She found out he was divorced and She was ready for him to call her.
Howard said Kelly seems really happy now. Kelly said She doesn't remember much from her childhood.
Howard played more of Kelly's older songs and said he's going to work up to the new album. Howard asked her to talk about the song ''Stronger'' and then they'll perform some of that. Kelly explained the song and how it became an anthem for people who were going through tough times. Howard asked the band to perform the song a short time later. They performed some of the song and Kelly didn't know they were going to do the full song.
After the song Kelly said she's so sorry. She said She didn't know they were doing that full one. Howard said they're doing full songs from her new album too.
Howard asked how She finds all of these musicians. Kelly said they have auditions. Howard said the band is great. Kelly said that a lot of it is word of mouth too.
Howard said they have three singers working with her today. Howard asked if they're trying to break out as front people. Kelly said they should. Howard asked how much rehearsal goes into that. Kelly said a lot of it is natural for them. She said they don't have to do that much. Howard spent a little time talking to the band after that.
Howard asked who was warming up in the bathroom. One of the singers let Howard know it was her. She did the warm up She was doing in the bathroom.
Howard said now Kelly is with Atlantic Records and they're excited to do this new album. Kelly said that they seem like they're really into it. She said they wanted to do a soulful pop kind of record. Howard asked how long it took to make this album. Kelly said She wants to enjoy her life and do things that make her happy.
Howard said the new album is called ''Meaning Of Life'' and it's under her full control. Kelly said she's had such a great ride. She said She finally got to leave a footprint She wanted to. She said She brought in a lot of people She loves to work with her on this album. She was naming a lot of people who She worked with. Howard said it takes a village.
Howard said the new song is ''A Love So Soft'' and he's going to ask them to perform it now. Howard said he will ask the band not to screw this up. Kelly said if anyone screws up it's generally her. They went into the song after that.
Howard said that was beautiful. Howard said that is a song that Aretha Franklin would record. Howard asked if She has ever met her. Kelly said She did. She said She probably doesn't remember. Kelly said She thinks it was Randy Jackson who introduced her. She said She didn't even say anything to her. She said Aretha asked her if She could hear her singing. She said that's the artist in her.
Kelly said She got to meet Annie Lennox one time too. She said that was great. Howard asked what She does. Kelly said She doesn't talk much. She said She did ask her how She keeps her voice in check. Howard asked if She obsesses over her voice. Kelly said She used to freak out about it but not now. She said She used to spend too much time obsessing over it but her manager at the time told her she's ruining her own good time. She said sometimes She sounds great and sometimes She doesn't. She said She can't control it.
Howard asked if Kelly covers songs at all. Kelly said they do. She said they will cover a song for a fan who picks the song. Howard asked what She likes to cover. She had a couple of songs from Tracey Chapman and Florence and the Machine. She said they do so many though. She said that's why they love The Voice.
Howard said Chris Cornell would come in and do covers and he would mix it up. Howard said it's so depressing that he's gone. Howard asked what it is that takes them out of it. Kelly said that you can't take it back and have a normal life. She said that you just have to lean in and deal with it. Howard asked if She ever felt suicidal when everything was out of control. Kelly said that She had some dark times. She said She cried it out in a bathroom.
Howard asked if She had someone to go to and talk about it with. Kelly said there's nothing anyone can say. She said She would have appreciated a mentor at the time. Howard said he should have called her at the time.
Howard said the song ''Go High'' was written for Michelle Obama. Howard said She sang ''My Country Tis Of Thee'' for Obama. Kelly said She did and She was freezing. She said there was a huge crowd there too. She said that She thinks She got accolades for it because She sang live. She said that Beyonce didn't sing live for him but She sang it live when She was getting questioned about it.
Howard asked if She would perform for Trump if he asked her to do that. Kelly said She doesn't think She would. Howard asked Kelly more about this ''Go High'' and then played some of the album version. Kelly said She got a hand written letter from Michelle. Howard said She was a great first lady.
Howard said she's having some life. Howard said they're having fun. Howard said She has the band and the back up singers. Robin asked where they're going after this. She said they're all dressed up.
Howard said that Kelly's new album is ''Meaning Of Life'' and it's out now. Howard said she's touring too. Kelly said she's doing The Voice right now but then she'll be going out on tour. Howard spent a little time talking to her about working on The Voice.
Howard gave Kelly some more plugs and asked her not to elbow anyone. Howard said her voice sounds great. Howard said you can find more at KellyClarkson.com. Howard asked if She has anyone She wants to say F-you to before She leaves. Kelly said not at all. She said that everyone who made it hard for her at the other record label made her come out with her best album now. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said it's time for news. Howard said they're running late. Robin said ''Oh my goodness.'' Howard said it's 11 o'clock. Howard said that was fun with Kelly. Robin said now they're starting tomorrow's show.
Howard asked what's in the news. Fred played Robin into her news with a song parody about Cocktober being over.
Robin started her news with a story about which celebrities make more money dead than alive. Howard said he thinks Michael Jackson. Robin said it is Michael Jackson. Robin said they earned $75 million last year. Robin said that all goes to his kids. Howard said that little Paris is quite a catch with all of that money. He said she's a good looking girl. He said She must look like her mother since there's no Michael there. Robin said Arnold Palmer is number 2 on the list because of his Iced Tea. Robin said Charles Schultz is up there too. Robin said Elvis is number 4 and Bob Marley is number 5.
Robin read a story about Wendy Williams passing out on her show yesterday. Robin had some audio of Wendy passing out. Howard played the clip and Wendy was introducing a segment when She passed out. Howard said she's okay though. Robin said She is. She was treated at the scene and said She was dehydrated. Howard said he never passes out on his show. Robin said they say the staff fears for her health. Robin said She fell on the floor from a standing position. Howard said when you lose weight rapidly you can end up passing out. Howard said he's trying to do that and he may pass out on Fred.
Robin read a story about the band LFO and how one of the members, Devin Lima, has stage 4 cancer. Robin said he's 40 years old. Gary said one of the other members of the band was on the Wrap Up Show and he also died of cancer. Howard said Robin was stage 4, right? Robin said She was 3C. Howard said it's weird that two guys in one band had cancer. Howard said Robin has been through hell with that shit. Robin said it's no fun.
Robin said She could spend the whole newscast naming people of people being accused of sexual harassment. Howard told her to do it in song. Robin said She doesn't think She can do that. Robin said there's an author saying Dustin Hoffman sexually harassed her when She was 17. Robin read the details of that. Howard had fake Harvey Weinstein clips on the phone. He spent a short time talking to Harvey.
Robin read a story about Natasha Henstridge saying when She was 19 Brett Ratner had sexually harassed her. She claims She got up to leave and Ratner stopped her from leaving an apartment they were in. She claims She was forced to perform oral sex. Howard said Robin could do a whole newscast about this.
Robin read about another guy who has come forward about Kevin Spacey. Robin said this guy claims that Kevin tried to show him his genitals. Robin read that Netflix has closed down production on the final season of House of Cards.
Howard said he's not sure where these guys get the idea that showing their penis to people is going to turn them on. Howard said it's bad plan. Howard said even in a bar whipping out your junk isn't going to get you anywhere.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants a Flat Ronnie. Howard said he doesn't have any today, sorry.
Howard said he's not sure what people are thinking out there. He said Harvey Weinstein had the hottest wife. Robin said not anymore.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that this is more of a power play than anything. She said that they have this to hold over them the rest of their life. Howard said that the lines they use are so bad too. He said they can't have a brain in their head if they're doing that.
The caller said Howard has this weird disgust in his voice when Richard said he was going on Paternity for a month. Howard said he wants Richard there to do work. He said he's happy he's having a baby quite frankly. Howard pointed out that the caller had vocal fry. Howard said he's never heard of a guy taking a month off for paternity leave. Howard said the only reason he's taken off that much time is when he gets fired. Howard said if anything he's jealous of Richard spending time with his kid. Howard said he never knew you could do such a thing.
Robin read a story about international charges against Harvey Weinstein. Robin said he took his act on the road. Howard said what a nightmare. Robin said Jeremy Piven is denying that any of this occurred but he's being accused by a woman who claims he groped her on the set of Entourage. Robin read the story about that claim.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes doing his George Takei impression and talking about Cocktober and Kelly Clarkson too.
Robin read a story about Rose McGowan speaking at a women's event the other day. Robin said She has been mentioned in the Harvey Weinstein case. Robin had some audio of Rose speaking at that event. Robin said now the police are after Rose after her luggage tested positive for narcotics. Robin said She doesn't have more than that on what it tested positive for.
Robin read a story about a 96 year old priest being arrested on child pornography charges. Robin said he had child porn in a nursing home. Robin said he's facing a bunch of charges for child porn. Robin said the guy viewed this stuff in front of other people at the nursing home. Howard did something that he hit the dump button on. It sounded like he took a call from someone and dumped out of it.
Robin read a story about the terror attack in New York City yesterday. Robin said that Mayor Bill de Blasio is outraged. Robin had some audio of de Blasio talking about the act of terror. Robin said that the guy's name is Sayfullo Saipov. Robin said he has ties in Tampa, Florida and in New Jersey. Robin said they're saying people should not be afraid after this event. Robin had some audio of Governor Cuomo telling the citizens of New York to just live their lives and not let these terrorists change their lives. Robin had some audio of some students in the area yesterday. They were talking about being locked down during the attack. Howard said he was wondering if Scott the Engineer felt the need to go bowling after the attack. He did an impression of Scott going bowling. Howard said he Halloween parade went on yesterday. Robin said it did. Robin had more clips of people talking about the attack.
Robin said there are big tax cuts coming and She had some audio of Sarah Huckabee talking about that. Robin said Huckabee was also talking about the Russia investigation and how they need to get past that because they have big things to get to. Howard said she's so angry. He said it's the biggest story ever and of course they're obsessed with the story. Howard did an impression of her for a few seconds. Fred played some banjo music over the clips of her talking too. Howard said she's on the offensive every minute. Robin said it's a battle every time they have a press conference.
Robin read a story about Millie Bobby Brown who is out talking about her first kiss. Howard said he wasn't going to do his Agent impression but he did go into it. Robin said She had to kiss her co-star Finn Wolfhard on the show. Robin had some audio of Millie talking about the kiss. Howard, as Millie's Agent, said he has a list of people she's allowed to kiss. Robin said Millie rapped on the Jimmy Fallon show too. Robin had some audio of that. Howard kept going with the agent impression for a few minutes.
Robin read a story about a summit President Obama held. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:40am.
Today's show was over around 11:10am.
Today's show was over around 10:55am.