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Howard started the show singing along to The Great American Nightmare and making up lyrics about today's show. He said he's getting so lazy. He said he's so comfy in his chair but his glasses are dirty. He said he gets hair gel on them. He said he has to go into his bag to get his cleaning utensils. He said they're not tissues. Robin thought they were. Howard said he has spray and a special rag. He said then he puts them on his head and they're dirty again. He said he just doesn't want to get his cleaning stuff. He said he should be able to tell Gary to come in and clean them.
Howard said he has a device to clean your iPhone into a box and it gets rid of germs. Robin said she's seen it but she hasn't gotten one. Howard said he doesn't use it. He said he just keeps his phone in a case. Robin asked if he puts it against his face. Howard said he doesn't do that.
Howard said he has Zeiss lens cleaner. He wiped down his glasses and used a special rag to clean them. He said that's disgusting too. Robin said he should change that too. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said he's had it for years.
Howard said he has a lot of stuff to talk about but he has to get revved up. He said he doesn't have coffee anymore. He said he can't drink it. Robin said she told him to drink tea. Howard said he doesn't want that. Howard said now he can see Fred with the clean glasses. He said that's a problem.
Howard said he got back into painting over the weekend. He said he stopped for a while. Howard said he wants to be expert level and he's just not. Robin asked what that even means. Howard mentioned a few artists he'd like to be like. Howard said even if he was like Bob Ross he'd be happy. Howard said his stuff sells.
Howard said he did a little painting. He said he likes that format. He said it was like 3 inches square with a barn and stuff on it. He said he liked that one. Howard said he's going to do something with that one. Robin asked if he's going to be a small painting expert. Howard said you do have to concentrate on one thing. Robin said she went to an art gallery once where they concentrated on small paintings. Howard said that's what he likes doing. He said he is a painter but a shitty painter. Robin said she's not sure why he has to put himself down.
Howard said he picked up Chess again and he sucks at that too. He said he doesn't have the time to get good at it. Robin said he would have been good at it a long time ago. She said it's a mental thing.
Howard said he had regrets over the weekend about not taking up guitar. Howard said he needed a father who would have mentored him. Robin said that would have helped us all. Howard said his father was a good carpenter. He said he would build things for the house. He said he was really good at it but then he'd walk down and he'd yell at him to get out. Howard said if he taught him to do that stuff things would be different. Howard said he'd just get mad at him for not knowing how to hold a hammer. Robin said she sees those things in movies where a kid walks in and a dad teaches a kid how to do something.
Howard said he has a fantasy that his father could have taught him his world and not been the way he was. Howard said he could have gotten into karate too but his feet were dirty and he had long toe nails that the guy told him didn't belong in there. Howard said he could have gotten into all of this stuff and he could have had a different life. Howard said his dad could have tossed a ball with him so he could get into some things like that too. Howard said he could have been amazing. He said instead he's just a mess.
Howard said he heard the radio broadcast where Colin Cowherd compared him to Tom Brady. Howard said he liked that. Howard played a clip of this guy talking about him. Howard said he needed that. He said he was down on himself and he played that all weekend and it kept him from suicidal thoughts.
Howard said Joe Buck is coming in today and he should say a few things like that. Robin said the guys that Howard wanted to become weren't tearing themselves apart. Howard said he's reading a book about a kid who was a great chess player as a 6 year old. Howard said he wrote a book about the art of learning. Howard said he switched things up and became a martial arts specialist. Howard had the guys look up his name. JD found out it was Josh Waitzkin and the book is The Art of Learning: An Inner Journey to Optimal Performance. That led to Howard playing JD reading who they had coming on the show today. Then Howard played a phony phone call the guys made to a radio show using clips of Ronnie doing his ''Jamie'' voice. The host kept him on and kept asking him not to talk about his genitals but they kept doing it. The guy kept them on for a couple of minutes.
Howard said Ronnie went to a big wedding in Florida with Kurt Busch. Howard said someone talked to Kurt about Ronnie. Howard said this was a Facebook broadcast. Howard played the clip and Kurt was talking about how his phone was blowing up the morning that Ronnie talked about the wedding. Kurt said he and Ronnie hit it off at a NASCAR race at Pocono. Kurt said they ended up hanging out and that's how they got to know each other. Howard said he thinks they hung out at a strip club. Howard said that's what Ronnie's hard on is from. He likes to hang out with race car drivers.
Howard said he has more Kurt Busch talking about Ronnie. Kurt talked about how Ronnie is to hang out with. He said he's a cool guy and that's why Howard adopted him. Howard said he had a reasonable price, that's why he hired him. He said he didn't hire him because he was a cool guy. Robin said he used to be quiet. Howard said he used to tell him ''no'' when he'd ask him to drive.
Howard said he has Ronnie in a cartoon where he plays Bugs Bunny. Howard played that bit and they had Ronnie reading lines as Bugs Bunny. Howard said they want to make more of those cartoons. He said it seems to work.
Howard said he just sat around all weekend and didn't do anything. Robin said he did get back into painting and chess. Howard said then he got down on himself. Howard said he was listening to Maroon 5 covering the song ''Sex and Candy'' that was really good. Howard said if he had concentrated on guitar he could have been doing that. Howard played the Maroon 5 cover of ''Sex and Candy'' for Robin. Howard said he wrote Adam a note telling him how much he liked the song.
Howard said last night he was beating off to the most ridiculous porn. He said it was a stepmother cheating on the step daughter's father. She teachers the daughter how to blow this guy. He said the guy had the biggest dick he's ever seen.
Howard said he told Adam to listen to Government Mule. He said that's what he's been doing. Robin said she has a friend who has loved them for years. Howard said he's just learning about them. Howard said he doesn't have as much free time as Robin's friend does. Howard played their cover of ''She Said, She Said.''
Howard said that's good. He said it's very muscular. Robin said her friend goes to have dinner with them before the concert. Howard said that's what Dolly Parton used to do with her fans. Howard said she used to let people sleep in her yard. Howard told Robin to listen to this. He said he always felt bad for country artists. He said they have to work so hard to get fans that they'll let people sleep in their yard. Robin said it was Conway Twitty who used to let people sleep in his yard. Howard said he had Twitty City. Robin said her friend had to get to a concert early so she could have dinner with them. Howard asked how her friend found out about them. Robin said they played somewhere she went on vacation. Howard asked if she fucks the guys. Robin said no. Howard asked if she's super hot. Robin said he knows Susan.
Howard said that these guys are probably driving Susan's kids to school this morning. Howard said it's so sad what bands have to do now to get fans.
Howard asked who pays for dinner when they go out. Robin said she has no idea how that works. Robin said she was shocked when she heard about the dinner thing.
Balls asked Robin when she was at her best. Robin said she's never been at a great age. Howard said he has a photo of her from when they played baseball at Mets stadium. Howard said she had it all going on back then. Howard said that's when they were young. Howard said he was gorgeous. He said he's a mess.
Howard said Robin doesn't look her age. He said he's a big mess. Robin told him to stop it. Howard said Robin doesn't have any wrinkles. Robin said that's amazing even to her.
Howard said his best feature is his dark hair. He doesn't have to dye it. He said he's really lucky that way. He said he got one good thing.
Howard said he went to bed last night and thought about how he was going to another dimension when he sleeps. He said that he had a good attitude about it. Howard said he was thinking that he'd think of a technique to travel to other planets or something but he just woke up with a boner at 1 in the morning. He said he got up and peed and it just trickled out. He said that he had to wait for the boner to go down before he could pee. He said he woke up at 5:30 and he had a boner again. Robin said there are some envious guys out there right now. Howard said he does get a big boner or at least a boner. He said he it's like a pole sticking away from his body.
Howard asked if Robin ever thinks about that. Robin said she does. Howard said he sleeps and then it hurts. He said the bone hits the mattress. He said he has to get up and pee.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he can play guitar and he's probably better at chess than he is. Howard asked what his ranking is. The guy said he's a 1400. Howard said he was a 1900 at one point. Howard said he plays now and it's like he forgot everything. Robin said it's like exercise because you can't stockpile that. Howard said he started running again and he can barely do it. He said he's got to keep going to get back into shape. Howard said he just does it and doesn't bitch.
Howard took a call from a guy, Apples, who asked what he and Jimmy Kimmel talk about when they get together. He asked if they talk about Mel Gibson. Howard said he doesn't see Jimmy that much. He said he sees him like 2 times a year. Howard said he did talk to him when he called a few weeks ago for some reason. He said he's not sure why. Howard remembered it was because Jimmy sent him a gift. He said he saw a sketch he did about him and talked to him about that and some other things. Howard said Jimmy lives on the other coast so they don't see each other. He said he does listen to the show all the time though. He said he appreciates that.
Apples asked if Jimmy would ever give him a shout out of a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' at the Oscars. Howard said he did that at some show he hosted. Howard said he doesn't have to do that stuff. He said he likes Jimmy and his wife. He said they see each other at least once a year. He said they shoot for twice. Howard said he may see Jimmy out in California when he goes to visit his sister.
Apples asked if he would ever have Mel Gibson on the show. Howard said no way. He said fuck that guy. Robin said they've had guys who have shot people on the show. Howard said that's true. He said he's not going to have Mel Gibson on though. He said he'd just ask him what the fuck his problem is. Apples kept going with the questions about him. Howard said the guy didn't want to come in there. He said if he makes him happy he'd have him on the show.
Apples asked how Fred feels about how the country is doing. Howard told him to email him about that. Howard hung up on Apples. Fred said the country is doing fine but it's some other people who aren't doing so fine.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's been calling for 15 years and he's never let him on with Stern. Howard said this is Stern. The guy said he has had Henry Hill on the show. Howard told the guy to call him back in 15 years. He had to take a break anyway. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard asked Gary how many he took. Gary said he got a note saying that he fills his bag. He said he hasn't seen it. Gary asked if he wants him to come in. Howard said he can come in to defend himself.
Benjy came in and asked why Gary is being a dick to him. Benjy said he only took 2. Howard said one is enough. Benjy said he wanted 2. Howard said he doesn't have to load his knapsack. Benjy said he only took 2. He didn't load it. He said taking 2 isn't a big deal. Howard said if you're there and feel like having one then have one. He said you don't take them home.
Benjy said he'd bet that they throw a lot out. Howard asked if he ate any before he left. Benjy said he had one. Howard said he's sure there are people who didn't have any. Benjy told him to produce someone who didn't have any.
Howard asked Gary who saw Benjy with the bagels. Benjy said he knows who saw it. He said he knew they'd make a big deal out of it. Howard said he doesn't need to bring any home. He said the bagels are for people who are there. He said it's not for Benjy to bring home. Benjy said he understands.
Howard asked if anyone else has anything to say. Gary said the guy who saw him isn't there. Howard said they need the bagels there. Benjy said he doesn't think Howard gives a fuck. Howard said he does because they take money out of the budget for the bagels. Benjy said he knows he just wants to make a big deal out of this. He said he took 2. Howard said he took 3. Howard said he heard a rumor that some people didn't get a bagel. Benjy said he feels horrible then. Howard asked why he's so angry. Benjy said he doesn't know.
Howard asked why he took bagels home. Benjy said he just wanted some. Howard said now he can buy his own and freeze them. Howard said he freezes his at home.
Howard thanked Benjy and let him go. Benjy said he won't do this again. Robin said he thinks of no one but himself. Robin said he wanted 3 so he took them. Robin said he comes in to fight about it.
Howard said Benjy has gotten so large that he didn't recognize him in the hall the other day. He said he has some song parodies about Benjy's tits. He played one from Little Mikey. He said a lot of people are writing about that now. He had one from Eli Braden as well.
Howard said someone suggested that they have Richard and Sal tittie fuck Benjy but he's not going to do that. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Benjy should stick around all day until they're cleaning up the bagels and then take them home. Howard said if he wants to do that then he's okay with it. The caller said then he can take it all home and stuff his face.
Howard said he heard that Benjy used to take a bag and empty the whole glom box that they used to have. Howard asked if it's true that he used to do that. Benjy came back in and said that he didn't sell stuff he took but he did take stuff because they all did. Gary said Jason is the one who said that he used to empty it into a bag and take like 5 copies of a porn. Benjy said porn was a big deal back then and he did use them as gifts. Howard said he can take one but not all 5. Benjy said they got so much and they would tell them to take it. Benjy said he doesn't take stuff like that. He said he only took 2 bagels because there were so many. Howard said he took 3.
Howard said Benjy is dressed like an obese cat burglar. Benjy said it's tough to dress when you're fat. Howard said he saw him in the hall the other day and didn't recognize him. Benjy said he's shocked too when he sees himself in a mirror. Howard said he can't wait until he's as big as Marlon Brando and wearing a mumu. Benjy said he feels like he's peaked.
Howard said Benjy proved something to him today. He said he proved that black is not slimming. Howard asked what he's eating. Robin said everything. Howard played a song parody from Psych about Benjy. Howard had to listen to the lyrics because he was singing about putting his face between Benjy's boobs. He said it's like a love song to his boobs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he works for a food service company and they don't let their employees take food. He said that he agrees with Howard that he shouldn't let him take food. Howard said Benjy does take advantage. He said he's not right doing that. Howard said he used to eat before going out to someone's house for dinner. He said he would tank up before going out. He said that you don't get to be a big boy unless you're socking it in.
Howard took another call from a guy who said if everyone took 3 bagels home then no one would have any. Howard said that's a good way of putting it. Howard said they get them so everyone can have one. Howard said Benjy thinks he can take more and he thinks he only took 2 but it was 3. Robin said he was having trouble counting to 3. Howard said they get a certain amount so everyone can have one. He said it's foreign to Benjy. He said Jackie was like that too. He said he used to take home bottles of Poland Spring water. Howard said Jackie would come in with a beach bag and fill it with water. Howard said he'd ask him not to do that and Jackie would ask what the big fucking deal was. Robin said no one was paying for them. Howard said it was a courtesy and maybe he can go home and drink water.
Robin said Jackie used to swill water while he was there because he wasn't able to take them home. Howard said there was constant water going on. Howard said he told Benjy he's going to go to his house and load up. He said he gets the bagels for the staff. Howard said he can't just take 3.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Benjy is trying to get in the studio by doing this. He thanked the guy who was calling himself Bronx Bobo.
Howard took a call from Steve from Florida who said it's an outrage that his Twitter number 697. He said it's a travesty. He said that people are on Twitter taking his Bobo name and his number. He said he crafted that himself and they're stealing that too. He said he's Bobo697 on Twitter and it's ridiculous. Howard said they're doing it to bust his balls. Steve said he knew they'd do the Bobo thing but not the 697. Howard asked what the 697 was. Steve said it was his house number.
Howard said he has a new Steve from Florida song parody to the tune of the Mary Tyler Moore theme. It was about how boring Steve is when he calls in.
Gary said Shuli told him that Steve's biggest fear is that one of the other Bobo's will get verified before he does.
Howard took a call from a guy calling himself Bobo697. That guy said he just got verified. Steve told him to get off the phone. Steve said this can't happen. He said he has to get verified. Fake Bobo said that he got verified. He said he has 28,000 followers. Steve said no one has that many followers as Bobo. Howard let fake Bobo go after that.
Howard said that Steve might have to come up with new numbers. Steve said he didn't want this to happen.
Shuli came in and said that this Twitter issue is Steve's obsession now. He said this has to be causing problems at home. Steve said it's creating havoc in his life. He said no everyone knows about the verification thing. He said that he told Shuli to keep it a secret. Steve said he didn't want this to get out. He said the Bobo697 is his handle. Howard said he already has that handle though. Bobo said it's the legacy he wants to pass down. Howard said he can't be this stupid. Robin said oh yes he can.
Howard asked Steve what he's worried about. Steve said he's afraid that people will think that someone else is the real Bobo. Howard asked if it's really great being him. Howard said do one knows him. Steve said he started it years ago and he wants to be that Bobo. He said it's him and only him. He said he has ''31,000 .3 K'' followers. Howard said he doesn't have to add the K after that. Howard asked what his Twitter handle really is. It's actually BoboHStern. Howard asked why he's worried about the 697. Bobo said that's what's attached to his name. Shuli said he's got an email that starts with that. Howard asked how he finds Bobo on Twitter. Shuli said it's BoboHStern. Steve said the Bobo697 is attached to him. Howard asked what that is. Steve said that it's BoboHStern on there but the Bobo697 is the attachment to his name. Shuli said you can put a nickname above your twitter handle. He said that's what he's talking about. Howard asked what the Bobo697 has to do with it. Jason came in and said that the BoboHStern is what would be verified. He said he's worried about nothing.
Howard asked if Steve figured out what a character is yet. Steve said he did. He said he knows it's a letter or number or symbol. He said they should use layman's terms for that stuff. Steve was complaining about not being able to send in a picture of his photo ID. Steve said he tries to attach it and it doesn't work. Howard said he can just send them one from his phone. Steve said he's doing it on his computer though. Howard said maybe he should just mail them his license.
Shuli said that one of the ways Bobo comes up with questions is by going for a walk and sitting on a bench. He closes his eyes and thinks of a question. Howard said that's so sad. Robin said he does that to come with those awful questions he has. Howard thanked Steve for the call after that. Howard said that was Steve from Florida.
Howard played another clip of Big Foot talking about where he went last year. He was saying Brattleboro Retreat but it didn't come out like that. Shuli said that this happened like 4 years ago but Big Foot thinks it was a year ago. He got put in there when he pulled a sword out and the cops were trying to get into his apartment. Shuli asked him to make sure that doesn't happen again. Big Foot let out another ''Huh?'' Howard said imagine being in prison or that retreat with him.
Howard said he was found not competent to stand trial for that sword thing. Howard said his uncle was a cop and he put 5 bullets in a guy who was running around with an axe in his hand. He said that they don't fuck around with that shit.
Howard played another clip of Big Foot talking about his brother and hanging out with him. He talked about going to eat lunch at the ''Batholic church'' too. Howard said that Big Foot is down and out but he always has something going on. He said he's smoking weed and eating. Howard asked how much longer he can hold on. Shuli said he doesn't take care of himself but he is out there having fun.
Howard asked Shuli about Bobo going out to come up with questions. Shuli said he would sit on that bench and think about the questions. Howard said he's like the Dummy Lama. He said he could be DummyLama697. Howard said he'd go with that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she just signed up for Boboo697. She said she hopes everyone goes on and follows her. Howard said he hopes that everyone goes on and follows her so she has more than Steve from Florida has. Howard said he'd be Bob0697. Shuli said there are a lot of people who are faking the account. He said some of the are pretty funny. Howard said that's so great that they're doing that.
Howard said that Shuli did some more Underdog stuff. Shuli said he asked her about super heroes. Howard had some audio of Underdog talking about Superman. She questioned how he would change back to Clark Kent when he had his costume on beneath his clothes. Howard said he would super compress the outfit and keep it in his cape. Howard said he always had it with him. Howard said he never changed in a phone booth either. He said that was just in the movies.
Howard said that Superman would move so fast that you can't see him change. Robin asked if he's faster than the Flash. Howard said Flash is faster. He said they had a race once and Flash won by a millisecond. He said you'd rather be Superman though. He said that's the one thing that Flash had over Superman. He said it was a foot race.
Howard played more audio of Underdog Lady talking about super heroes like Batman. She also talked about Wonder Woman. Howard asked if they think she would like Wonder Woman. Robin said no because she's too sexy. Howard played a clip and Underdog said her uniform is too brief and she could catch cold because of it not covering her up.
Howard played a clip of Underdog warning Shuli that her daughter should keep her teeth and not give them up to the tooth fairy. In the clip Underdog said she should keep her teeth and make a collection of them. Shuli said they have been saving them. Underdog said she could take them to show and tell in school. Shuli said that won't freak anyone out. Howard said he knew a kid who brought his tonsils to show and tell. He said that freaked him out. Howard said he bets all things started going wrong for Underdog Lady when she brought her teeth to school.
Howard said Underdog was not invited to the inauguration parade for Trump. He had a clip of Underdog talking about that. She said she didn't get an invitation and she wasn't sure who to contact. Howard said he loves when she gets out of breath and can't talk. Howard said it would have been great if they had her there. He said she's so much better than 3 Doors Down or Chachi.
Howard took a call from a guy calling himself Steve697. Howard asked if that's what he is on Twitter. The guy said he is. Steve asked if Bobo really wants to leave this legacy of being the village idiot to his kids. Howard said that's what he wants to pass down to his kids. Howard said Bobo thinks it's all just a joke. Shuli said he has those awful songs as his ringtone. He said he'll be out in public and he'll get rings that are those songs.
Howard had a clip of Steve from Florida talking about himself in the third person. Howard played that clip where Wolfie was asking him about talking about himself that way. Steve said he does it for emphasis and to reshape the Bobo character. Howard played a song parody about how Steve's calls all suck.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's from Vermont and the place Big Foot was talking about is where all of the crazy locals go. Howard said they must have figured naming it the way they did would make it sound nicer. The caller said that he thought it was a day spa but it's a crazy place. Howard said Vermont has a lot of nice places. He said then you hear about this Brattleboro Retreat and that's where Big Foot is going. Howard said Loony Bin is no longer correct. He said it's a ''preet'' according to Big Foot.
Howard said that he has to take a break. He let Shuli go and did a live commercial read.
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Howard said John Hurt died. He was 77 years old. He said he looked like he was 90. Robin said he did look older than he was. Howard said John played Elephant Man.
Howard said Mary Tyler Moore died too. Robin said she did. She said she died this weekend. Howard said they're dropping like flies. Howard said someone said he had John Hurt in a death pool. Howard said it was Jason. He said he has to rack up points in the pool to win.
Jason came in and said that he's in a pool with 10 people and he's in the lead. He said someone had Mary Tyler Moore but she was older so that person didn't get as many points. Jason said he has some younger guys on the list like Frankie Muniz because he had some brain thing a few years ago.
Howard said he didn't know that pancreatic cancer was so deadly. He said he didn't know we even needed a pancreas.
Howard said that John Hurt was a great actor. He said that he has been in show business for 50 years. Howard said he was in the Harry Potter franchise. Howard said in 1981 he played The Elephant Man. Howard said he knew him from that. He said he was really good in that. Robin said you didn't see him in that movie though. Howard said he could have been a great Elephant man. He said that was considered his greatest role. He said it took 7 hours a day to put his makeup on.
Howard played a clip of John Hurt playing the Elephant Man. Howard used to do an impression of him. He said he could have done that. Howard had a clip of him yelling that he's not an animal.
Howard said in 1988 he had John Hurt on the show and he did his impression for him and John was not impressed. Howard played a clip from that day when he did his Elephant Man impression. John Hurt said he was like a demented camel. Howard said he thought it was good.
Howard said John Hurt read a live commercial back then too. Howard played a clip of John doing that. Howard said he was still back there doing Elephant Man.
Howard said Bradley Cooper played the Elephant Man on Broadway in 2014. Howard had a clip of him and Bradley doing their dueling Elephant Man impressions.
Howard said that he has to take a quick break and then get to Joe Buck. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back and said he has Joe Buck there. Howard said he wanted to pee but he has to see Joe Buck. Howard said he has a book out called Lucky Bastard: My Life, My Dad, and the Things I'm Not Allowed to Say on TV.
Howard asked Joe why he put out a book. Joe said he must be craving attention. Howard asked if he wants it to be a best seller. Joe said he told the publisher he just wanted to get it out if he sold one or a thousand. He said it's done well and it hits at his fragile ego but it's been fun. Howard said he's sensitive to social media stuff. Joe said he has a mediator on Twitter. He said he can't read the comments.
Howard said most people think Joe is against their team in baseball. Joe said he's there for the national side and you get excited for both teams but they think he's one sided. Joe said that he has to be impartial. He said he grew up in St. Louis so the Cardinals are a big part of his life. He said his dad broadcasted for them. Howard said he was Jack Buck.
Howard said before he talks about his book he has some other questions for him. Joe said they don't have to talk about his book. Howard said he wants to. He said there's a lot in there. Howard said he became addicted to hair plugs at one point. Howard said someone said to him that he had to lose 10 pounds and get hair plugs. Joe said it was 25 pounds. He said they did that over lunch to be ironic. Joe said that this guy told him to do this stuff. Howard said that's not an easy conversation to have. Joe said he has a guy in his life to tell him the truth. He said he tells him if something sucks. He said he wants to know. He said this guy has become his good friend and co-worker. He said the guy told him to look into hair plugs. Joe said he lost 25 pounds and he did get hair plugs.
Howard said Joe is in good shape. Joe said he's not in good shape but he's okay. Howard said he was a bat boy when his dad was a broadcaster. Howard said he was a fat bat boy. Joe said he was. He said the players and fans were brutal to him. He said that they'd yell at him to pick up the bat and call him fat ass. He said he had a huge head too. He said his shirt was snug and the pants didn't fit right. Joe said he doesn't know what he weighed but he was thick. He said the players would start punching him and throw stuff at him. He said it was a good way to toughen up.
Howard said Joe's dad was a big sports guy. Joe said he was. He said he was in hotels with the guys and he'd see all kinds of stuff. He said his dad was a depression era guy and he had some money so they'd fly to Vegas and his dad would give him 20 bucks to play video games. He said he'd go to his room and fall asleep and his dad would gamble.
Howard said his dad was Jack Buck who was a local St. Louis guy who went national too. Joe said he did get a taste of that in the early 90s. He said he worked with Tim McCarver who he later worked with for 18 years. Joe said what he's grateful for is that his dad didn't ride him for the broadcasting thing. He said they'd listen to tapes of what he'd do and his dad let him do his own thing.
Joe said he got a job at 19. Howard said that's impressive. He said he imitated what he thought a sports announcer should be. Joe said he got to sit in the booth and hear what was going on. He said he could hear what was happening in the game and what his dad was doing. He said he was taking that in every night in the summer and even in the school year. He said his dad was married with 6 other kids too. Howard said his dad had 6 other kids in another marriage and then he meets his mom. Joe said he met his mom before the divorce. Joe said Jack met his mom in St. Louis and they got together. He said then word was out that Joe was on the way. Joe said that's why his book is called ''Lucky Bastard.'' He said he really is a bastard. Howard said Joe is a love child and he has a sister too. Howard said his dad used to bring the alimony check with him. Joe said he never asked him why he did that. He said his half brothers and sisters hate him even more because it's a topic that's not fun to talk about.
Joe said he knew something was wrong when he'd go with his dad. He said he never saw people who didn't want him in the room until he'd go there. He said part of the reason he brought that stuff up is because he gets it now. He said they were little kids too. He said they were pissed that this little bastard took their dad. He said his dad wasn't confrontational at all. He said his dad was his best friend. He said they were more buddies than father and son. Howard asked if he rejected the other kids. Joe said not at all. He said it wasn't handled well when the whole thing happened. Joe said he'd walk in the house and it was tense. He said he thinks the half brothers and sisters are pissed because he was there at their house once and he was asked if he wanted a hot dog. He said he did and he just didn't want mustard on it. He got one that had mustard slathered all over and it and he just ate it.
Howard said to bring a kid into a room with six other kids is tough. Joe said that they have never really sat down to talk about all of this. He said they're older people now. He said it's time to sit down and talk about it. Joe said he's been through a divorce now himself. Howard said he had two kids and he got divorced. Joe said he thinks he did it the right way. He said he saw his dad's mistakes. He said he never cheated or strayed. He said it would have been easy to do that. He said he listens to Howard because he's fascinated with the relationship he had. He said they have a lot of parallels. He said that's why he linked into the show.
Joe said he is in a new marriage and he met this woman a couple years later. He said her name is Michelle Beisner and she's in the business. He said he likes having her in the business.
Howard asked Joe how he met Michelle. Joe said he saw her getting ready to do a show and then he stalked her for a while. He said he worked with Rich Eisen and he helped him stalk her. Joe said that he chased her down and he was either going to get her or a restraining order. He said he got her and now they're together. He said he hasn't had any kids with her but his daughters love her so that's great. Howard asked how long he's been married. Joe said 2 and a half years.
Howard said Joe has mentioned his hair plugs a couple of times. Howard said he talks about how he was addicted to them. Joe said he knows Sal has gone down this path and it's barbaric. He said he's thankful that he went through it but it was tough. Joe said that no one is going into his hair with a microscope. He said he has some hair so that's good. Howard said it doesn't work the way you expect. He said you have to continue. Joe said you have to keep going and it's painful. He said it's like he was addicted to pain. Howard said he went in for an operation and it was the 8th one. when he came out of it his voice was gone. Joe said that only one vocal chord was working. He said that they say when you go under they put a tube down your throat so you can breathe. He said they put a cuff around that tube to hold it in place. He said they were moving his head and neck around and the cuff sat on a nerve that was responsible for the vocal chord. He said he wasn't able to speak. He said they thought it could be permanent. He said this was right after he did the third super bowl. He said this was in February/March and he had to go into baseball season. He said he ran into Matthew McConaughey and he told him about the whole thing. He said Matthew asked what was up with his voice. He told him what he did with the hair plugs and how the tube messed with his voice. Matthew said that he had fixed his video but fucked up his audio. He said then he was on to the next thing. Joe said he was freaking out and told his bosses he had a virus. He said he didn't want it to get out there that he had hair plugs. Howard said the world sees it as a frivolous thing. Joe said they're right about that.
Joe said he did the public a favor by covering up his head with his hair. He said his voice was gone for like 7 months. He said he went to see a specialist in Boston. He said that his name is Steven Zeitel. He said he was told if he didn't get it back in 3 months he was going to be stuck with it. Joe said he would go down his throat with this stuff called Restilin and the vocal chord would fluff up. He said eventually he did the post season and all of this stuff. Joe said he thinks now he's back to about 92 percent of what his voice used to be.
Joe said the people on the internet can be brutal. He said that they wished that he'd die. He said he goes to a therapist and this dominates the therapy session. He said that he feels like he's a pleaser. He said the Cubs hadn't won the series since 1908 and it's incredible. Howard asked if he plans out how he's going to react or does he keep his mind blank. Joe said he keeps it blank. He said he wasn't sure what he was going to say if Mark McGuire set his record. He came up with something to say and he wrote it down on his call book. He said that McGuire broke his record and he barely got it. He said he never got his eyes down to his dumb script. He said he wasn't sure if it was going to go foul or not. Joe said you just have to go with it.
Howard asked if Joe is excited about the Super Bowl. Joe said he is. He was thinking of doing the calls as John Hurt as Elephant Man. He did a little bit of that voice for Howard. Joe said it's a rush to be able to call the Super Bowl. He said it's a rush when they say you have 30 seconds to go before you're on the air.
Howard asked if there's a lot of jealousy there. Joe said that there are people counting down waiting for him not to be in the business anymore. Joe said that he can feel the breath on the back of his neck.
Howard asked Joe about Tom Brady and Joe said he thinks it's amazing that he's 39 and he might be the best he's ever been. He said he has Bill Belichick and they're an amazing team. Howard asked Joe about the weird bets they have for the Super Bowl. Howard said they bet on what they might say. Howard asked if he ever looks at that in the paper and tries to avoid it. Joe said he might. Howard read some of the things they are taking bets on. Howard said it's pretty crazy stuff.
Howard said talking about money, is it difficult to negotiate a job with FOX when there are so many other guys out there. Joe said the thing is that he believes that they have had the same play by play guys for the longest time. He said Al Michaels and Jim Nance have done it forever. Joe said he's done it for 20 years himself. He said it's not an easy job to do. He said the network has to know that you're not going to fuck it up. He said they are buying someone who isn't going to make a dumb decision to say something that will get the network in trouble. He said unless you've sat in that seat you don't know what it's like. Howard said you can't fuck up the information you're giving out. Joe said the world out there is more informed than they were 20 years ago. He said Richard may know more about the Royals and Chiefs than he does. Joe said you have to keep up on all of this stuff so he reads about it all the time. He said he keeps a board to compile all of this stuff. He said there's no time to have a staff so he has to do it himself.
Joe told Howard about a call he made once. He said this guy caught a ball and the ball was pinned in the helmet. He said he could barely see what was going on and people said he didn't give that catch its due. He said you have to be sure when you do a Super Bowl. He said he watches the field but he has a monitor up there. He said he can go to that if he has to. He said they can show you just about anything.
Joe said he has a board made up to keep track of all of this stuff. Howard asked how many Falcons he can name. Joe said maybe 4 or 6. He named a couple and Howard had no idea if he knew them or not.
Howard asked if he thinks that this career is absurd. Joe said not when he's in the game. He said when he sees people posting on Twitter then he thinks that it's absurd. He said these people are so into it.
Howard asked if he hears from the fans about his dad. Joe said they will come up to him and tell him they loved his dad. He said that his dad was so proud. He said he was doing a World Series and they asked him to do a recap of the World Series. He said he was thinking of his dad the whole time. He said he called his dad and asked him what he thought. He said his dad pretended he didn't know what he had said. He said the next day he called his mom and asked what was up with his dad. He said she told him that he was crying with such pride. He said he knew his dad was proud and he's done things that his dad never got to do. Howard said he surpassed his dad's career. Joe said he has in some ways.
Joe said his dad was in World War II and he got shot in Germany. He said that he go the Purple Heart from that. He said he came back and had to work his way up. He said money was kind of out there like fame and fortune. He said he didn't care about the fame thing. He said his dad was really generous. He said he was obsessed with money. He said his dad finally got to 7 figures and he was proud of that. Howard said he thinks it was generous to bring him to all of the games.
Joe said he and his dad were broadcast partners when he was 21. He said that he got to see his dad and work with him unlike his brothers and sisters. Howard said he says that the devastating part is when the St. Louis paper writes ''Why are we being force fed Joe Buck?'' Joe said that he wouldn't have been sitting there if he wasn't Jack Buck's kid. He said he carried that article around with him for motivation. Joe said he's not sure why he keeps it but it does motivate him to work hard. Joe said he cried like a baby when he read that in a one newspaper town. He said you think the whole world hates you and he hadn't even begun.
Howard asked if any of the half brothers or sisters got into broadcasting. Joe said he has a sister who is in broadcasting. He said he keeps in touch with her. Joe said the guy who wrote the article about him became his friend. He said that everyone was trying to get information from him when his dad was in the hospital. He said he had lung cancer and all of this other stuff. He said his dad was withering away and he was there visiting him every day. He said one night he walked in and he went into the room and he was mouthing to him ''Will you do me a favor?'' Joe said his dad asked him to let him die. Joe said that took him back a little bit. He said he told his dad they were going to beat this but his dad asked him to let him die. Joe said give it 2 more weeks and his dad brushed him off. Joe said two weeks go by and he has a series of strokes. The doctors said they could keep him alive but he wouldn't be leaving that hospital. Joe said they had to pick a day for him to die. He said they pulled all of the tubes out of his dad and took his pacemaker out. He said he was clean for one day.
Joe said he talked to his dad for one last time the night before. He said he told his dad it was okay for him to go. He said the next day they pull all of this stuff out of him. He didn't stick around to watch him die. He said his dad stuck around for the rest of the day and he went to work. He said his dad listened to his broadcast that night. He said he was off all of this equipment. He said he got in his car and drove home. He said he pulled off where the hospital is. He said he went into the room and he bent down into his ear and told him what he had to say and by the time he got to the car his dad was dead. He said he thinks he had a bond and his dad wanted him to say goodbye. He said for him to stay alive that day was incredible. He said his dad was his best friend. He said he got the love from his dad and that was all because of him.
Howard said Joe's book ''Lucky Bastard: My Life, My Dad, and the Things I'm Not Allowed to Say on TV'' is out now. Howard said he remembers Joe starting on FOX and how they didn't even have any sports on at the time. Joe said that they had nothing but they got football. He said they hired a few guys who had credibility. He said they had it instantly with the guys they hired. He said they got the best. Joe said then they hired new guys and hired him because his mom told this guy who was at CBS and eventually went to FOX. He said she knew him and told him to listen to his tape. He said he had never done football before. Howard said on TV you have to know when to shut up. He said you can ruin it by talking too much. Joe said his job is redundant. He said that he sits in this room and he's 23 at the time. He said he walks out of the room and one of the FOX guys said that he loved it and they were going to hire him so he had to get an agent. He said his dad would have freaked if he knew what his mom did. Howard said he thinks that's so great. He said look what it's turned into.
Howard said Joe is still blamed for A-Rod getting injured. Joe said he's become a good friend of his. He said Alex turned to him and he went to ask him if that was his boy and this rocket gets launched at Alex and he gets hit in the knee. He said that he was out there grabbing his leg. Joe said he was standing down there and hoped no one saw him talking to him. He said one of the players saw him talking to him and mentioned it. He said then the media turned on him. He said he got the blame for it and it was on the back of the Daily News saying ''What the Buck?'' Howard said Yankee fans hated him after that. Joe said all he did was exist and he got mother fucked for that.
Joe said that Yankee fans believe that he doesn't like the Yankees. He said that if there's one team that you want in the post season it's the Yankees, Sox or Cubs. Joe said he had guys running at him like they were going to kick his ass once. He said he had to get out of there. He said you can't screw around with this stuff.
Howard said he read in the book about Joe going to a party in 2011 and Kate Hudson was there. Joe said it was her house. Howard asked how he got invited. Joe said his friend is Jason Patrick. He said that Jason invited him to go with him to Kate's house. Joe said he was separated at the time. Howard said she's so friendly that you think she's into you. Howard said that's what he thought when he hung out with her. Joe said he wasn't even sure if he was really invited to the party. He said that they walk in the front door and she's at the door answering it. He said she put her hand on his chest and asked who he was. Joe said she said she knew him somehow. She's a real sports fan so she knew who he was. He said they hit it off and talked the whole night. Howard asked if he thought he was going to bang her. Joe said no way.
Howard asked why he didn't tell his wife about it. Joe said he didn't that year but the next year he saw Kate and her dad down on the field at the Super Bowl. He said he went back to his room and told his wife that he ran into Kate Hudson and she couldn't be nicer. He said the next day he sees Kate again and she gives him a big hug. Then they talked and his friend told him it looked like they were too familiar.
Howard said Joe has had some gay rumors floating around about him. Joe said he has never had a homosexual experience. He said it happened in 2011. He said someone up there called WFAN and said he was having an affair with a baseball player. He said he was asked to share a room with a Yankee once and Joe Torre called him in and said it just didn't look good to some of the guys. He said he was so embarrassed by that.
Howard said Joe's book is out and he pointed out that he's concerned about the sales. Joe said he's in direct competition with Al Michaels. He said that's come and gone and he'd like to finish ahead of him. Howard said imagine if he had ended his career over hair plugs. Howard gave him some plugs for the Super Bowl that he'll be calling this Sunday. Howard asked if he's going to give any ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' or anything like that. Joe said he did that once. Howard played the clip since he had it. He did a ''Hit 'em with the Hyde'' instead of Hein though. Joe said you have to be smart about it.
Howard said Randy Moss did a fake moon thing and Joe didn't like that. Howard played a clip of Joe talking about that in a game. Joe called it a disgusting act by Randy Moss. Howard asked if it was really disgusting. Joe said it makes him sound stuck up but it wasn't the right thing to do. He said he and Randy are fine now though. He said some fans aren't okay with it.
Howard said Joe did a play by play of JD eating breakfast this morning. Joe said he doesn't feel good about this. He said he had to watch him eating this sandwich through his glass door. Howard said he's going to play some of that right now. Howard played the clip and Joe called it like it was an NFL game. Joe called it as his first bite was being taken and said that JD was laughing so he was unable to eat it. Joe got the finger from JD as he was doing the play by play. Howard asked if JD was giggling. Joe said he was and he couldn't even eat.
Howard said Joe did a post game with JD too. Howard played the clip and JD said this was one of the worst experiences he's ever had in his life. Joe said it's the same for him. Joe went over the calories in his meal and thanked him.
Howard said he felt like he was there during that clip. He asked Joe what he does at the Super Bowl when he has to pee. Joe said he has called a touchdown while peeing. He said that's in the book. He said he had to go and he went to the bathroom. He said he drinks a lot of water. He said at the end of a half one time he had to go and the half was going on really long. Joe said he told the guy next to him that he had to pee. He said his buddy handed him a water bottle but he wasn't going to pee in the bottle. He said there's a girl in the booth to leave and they put a trash can in front of him and he got stage fright. He said he had four guys around him and he's broadcasting. He said it finally starts and he's going. Then Sterling Sharp scores a touchdown and he's peeing as he calls the touchdown.
Howard asked if Joe will nap on Sunday. Joe said he has to do pre-game stuff so he can't. He said he does this bulletproof coffee thing. He said he'll try to go to the bathroom before the game but he may not be able to go. Joe said he had to go before the show and he was afraid there would be cameras in there. Howard said no to that. He said that he sat on the throne that Beetlejuice has sat on.
Gary said he has High Pitch Erik on the phone and he says he has a crush on Joe and it's right up there with Donnie Wahlberg. Howard picked up on Erik whose phone was sounding awful. Howard asked if Erik has ever masturbated to Joe. Erik said not yet. Howard asked him to say what he has to say to Joe. Erik said he thinks he's awesome and he thinks he's amazing. Howard asked what his fantasy is with Joe. Erik said he wanted to call just one game during the season. Howard said that's not going to happen. Howard asked what it is that he likes about Joe. Erik said he likes his look. Joe asked if he likes him with or without a beard. Erik said without the beard. Howard let Erik go a short time later.
Howard wrapped up with Joe and gave him some plugs. Howard asked who he's going to pick to win. Joe said he'll go with the underdog. He said it's too easy to pick the Patriots. He said he thinks it'll be a good game.
Howard asked if the NFL ever gives him shit about what he says. Joe said never. He said he's never been told what to say or not to say by FOX or the NFL. Howard said he has to hand it to him for the play by play of JD's breakfast.
Howard asked what he's going to do after the game. Joe said they'll have a couple of drinks. He said he'll have a post game party that FOX puts on. He said it's fun. Howard said hopefully it's not a blow out game. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard and Robin talked about the Super Bowl and Lady Gaga's upcoming performance at Half Time. Howard said they should get to some news. He played her in with a song parody to the tune of the Mary Tyler Moore theme. Howard said Joan Jett did a cover of the theme song too. Howard said he likes Joan Jett. He played her cover of the song. Howard said Valerie Harper was on the show 3 years ago and she had brain cancer and she's outlasted Mary Tyler Moore. Howard said Ed Asner was on the show once and he talked about fantasizing about Mary. Howard played a clip of Ed talking about that.
Howard said he's sure Valerie Harper is happy she's outlived Mary. Howard said he loved the Mary Tyler Moore show. Robin said it was appointment TV. Howard said it really was. He said he would beat off to her in her capri pants.
Howard said he once yelled out asking Mary if she listens to the Howard stern Show. She said ''Sure, occasionally.'' when he asked. Howard played the audio and Mary said she listens to him every day. Howard and Robin were all excited about that. Howard said that was in 1987 at the Emmys. Howard said that went on and on. Howard said she had to marry Grant Tinker so that wasn't a good part of her life. Howard read more about what Mary did in her career. Howard said she and Grant Tinker produced a bunch of huge hit shows. He said she must have had a ton of dough. Robin said she must have done okay. She never saw her with a cup.
Howard played some audio of Mary talking to them on a red carpet. They asked her who had bigger breasts, her or Ed Asner. She said that she'd never show her's so they may never know.
Howard asked Robin what's in the news. Robin said there's a journal of happiness study that says people who are naturists seem to be happier than those who don't walk around naked in the company of others. Howard said that's probably true. Howard said he shreds the Journal of Happiness. Howard said he feels so bad about himself naked. He said he has a flab of belly that hangs. He said his ass is so flabby and he has the tiny penis. Howard said they have it all wrong. Robin said they found the longer and more frequently people are naked the happier they are. Howard said come on. He said he'd rather be miserable than be a nudist.
Robin said they were talking to Benjy earlier this morning. Robin said they may have done a little fat shaming. Howard said there was a lot of that going on. Robin said a new study shows that it's more hurtful than obesity itself. Howard played a song parody about Benjy after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Ronnie has been on good behavior lately. He asked why he's not yelling stuff out. Howard said Ronnie can act normal for awhile but not for long. Robin said he can behave for a month or so but not for much longer. Howard said he used to bring Ronnie to America's Got Talent when he was doing that and he would behave like a police officer would. He said that would last a week or two and then he'd crack. He said Ronnie would start wrestling this guy Harv who worked there. He said then he'd have to yell at Ronnie to behave. He said he'd calm down after that. The caller asked if he still gives the female interns nicknames. Howard said he's not sure. He said they have to just watch him. He said it's funny to see Ronnie being Ronnie sometimes. Howard said there were security guys there at the show and they all had people. Howard said Ronnie would stand there and not talk. He was all serious with the walkie talkie. He said then he'd fuck up and get in trouble. Fred played the clip of Ronnie talking about being Scoresman.
Robin read about the upcoming Super Bowl and about Tom Brady. Robin said Tom has put out an inspirational video for the team. They had some audio from that video. Howard said he should be talking about his wife and how he got her. Howard played a clip of the inspirational video and turned it off after a few seconds. Howard said he should have Giselle on there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he doesn't shed a tear for Joe Buck after telling that story about his dad. Howard said he was crying. The caller said he loves Howard and he's been listening since 1996. Howard said that was a beautiful story that Joe told. The caller said they didn't bring up Artie. Howard said he didn't think of that. He said he was more concerned about the homosexual rumors.
Robin read a story about a new scam that's going on where people ask ''Can you hear me now?'' Robin said that when the people respond ''yes'' that is recorded and misused to pay for product services. Robin said they take it and cut it up so your yes says you will pay for some product or service. Robin said it's going on around the country.
Robin read a story about Maine's pot law going into effect today. Robin said that adults are allowed to use up to 2 and a half ounces of marijuana. Robin said that's a lot of marijuana. Jason said that should get someone through about a year. Robin said you can have up to six pot plants if you don't have the two and a half ounces.
Robin read a story about President Trump signing an order that keeps people from coming in from 7 countries. Robin said that led to a bunch of protests around the country. Howard said Trump had it made before this and now he must be totally annoyed. He said JD has become very political too. Howard said he's been reading his Twitter. Howard took a call from a guy, Paul Bobo, who said JD has been very liberal lately and he's not sure if it's his girlfriend who is getting to him or what. JD said that it's the first election that got him into it.
Robin read a story an MIT study that found that the odds of being killed in a terrorist attack are more than one in three billion. Robin read the details of that study and said that the ban that Trump has signed into effect isn't doing any good. Robin had some audio clips of someone talking about that. She had audio of John McCain commenting on it as well. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read more about the ban that Trump signed. Robin had more clips for Howard to play. Howard tried to take a call from Sour Shoes as Mad Dog Russo but he wasn't there when he picked up.
Howard took a call from a guy, Toronto Bobo, who asked if he really didn't know who Blake Lively is. Howard said he knows he's seen her in some things. The caller told Howard to check her out because he'll get obsessed with her. Howard said the guy is sounding creepy. He let him go and said he's sure she's hot. Howard said it's getting to the point where everyone is looking similar.
Robin read about some of the problems the Muslim ban caused over the weekend. Robin had more audio clips to play.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that the DummyLama697 name is taken on Twitter already. She said she was trying to take it herself. Shuli came in and said about an hour ago he did a search and now there are a ton of Bobo697 accounts on Twitter. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Kim Kardashian weighing in on the political things. Robin read about what she's doing to raise money for Syrian refugees and more. Robin read some of the stuff that Kim was tweeting out. Robin had some audio of other people who are upset about the ban.
Robin read about the SAG awards that took place last night. Robin said that the cast of Stranger Things won big last night. Robin had some clips to play from the awards show.
Robin read a story about 6 people being killed after an attack on a Mosque in Quebec. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about Kellyanne Conway talking to a reporter and calling for some reporters to be fired over ''fake news'' reports. Robin had some audio of Kellyanne rambling on about that. Robin said that Chris Wallace took exception to what she said. Robin said Chris told her it's ridiculous to tell other reporters how to act and what their job is and that they're protected by the constitution.
Robin read a story about a Seal Team 6 member being killed in a raid over the weekend. Robin said the attack was ordered by Trump so this is the first soldier to be killed under his watch. Howard said that's a tough responsibility.
Robin said that the M. Night Shyamalan movie Split being number 1 at the box office again. Howard said he did need a hit. He said it was time. Robin read about some of the other top 5 box office movies. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show talking about email that he got about Memet. He said they had him on last week talking about the women he was picking up on Tinder. Howard said people were writing in about that. He said he took a lot of crap. He said George Takei called Memet and had some nice things to say. He said this is Sour George Takei. He played a clip of Sour Shoes doing his George voice and telling Memet that only he can get him through the mid-winter blue balls. Sour sang a song to him as George about wanting his cock. He made all kinds of weird noises before he ran out of time.
Howard said Memet is quite controversial. He said people were coming down on him for not using condoms. Howard said Charlie Sheen called him in support of that though. Howard played a fake Charlie Sheen voicemail telling Memet to enjoy going in there bareback. Howard said he did pick up some famous fans.
Howard said he's jealous of other radio shows. Howard said Charlie will call other radio shows but not them. Howard said he is a great radio guest. He said it's weird. Robin said it is. Howard said you'd think this would be the first show he'd call. He called an Australian show called the Kyle and Jackie show. Howard said Charlie was bashing Chuck Lorre after he had made up with the guy. Howard said that's an out of control thing. He said that they make amends and then they bitch again. He said it's sort of a cycle. Howard said this is Charlie on the Kyle and Jackie O Show. In the clip Charlie was going off on Chuck Lorre telling him to ''suck my fucking butt.'' Howard said that seems to be his new term. He said the entire planet has moved on other than Charlie. Robin said that's his war.
Howard said that they were all caught up in that war when they were going at each other. Howard said it was 2 and a Half Men, Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen. Howard said they had a great show and Charlie ended up bashing the shit out of the guy. Howard said it's like he's in the jungle and he can't forget about it.
Howard played a clip of Charlie going off on Chuck some more and cursing a bunch. Howard said Chuck is probably having a great life and this guy is still going off on him. He said he must not give two shits. Robin said the show isn't even around anymore. Howard said he was making ridiculous amounts of money with that show and Charlie is ranting about all of that and then Les Moonves. He said then he reeled himself back in. He said he must have thought better of that. He said maybe he thinks Les can give him more work.
Howard played more of Charlie Sheen going off on Les Moonves and cursing him out as well. Robin said she lost interest in that one. Howard said to get him on the show they have to pretend they're Australian.
Howard played another clip where Charlie Sheen made a HIV joke. Charlie was joking about how dating life is good because HIV is such a great pick up line. Charlie said goodbye with ''High fives and hand jobs'' line.
Howard said he loves that he's out there fighting with Chuck Lorre who probably doesn't even know about the fight. Howard said he's all angry about that whole thing still.
Howard said Chuck is probably wondering how he got involved with this maniac. Fred played some old Charlie Sheen clips where he was talking about his ''Sheen dog.''
Howard had some clips that JD pulled for him last night. He played one clip where this guy Herb was talking about schools being open that morning. Howard said before the internet that's how you found out if the schools were open because of the weather. Howard said these guys had like 7 seconds to talk unless it was a snow day or a catastrophe day.
Howard played more of Herb talking and Howard said there's no way he could ever speak like that. He said he can't pronounce words like this guy. Howard said this guy sounds like he grew up on Mars. Howard said he can't even get his voice that deep. Howard said that's why he was freaking out when he chose radio as his career. He said that's what people sounded like on the radio. He wondered how he was going to sound like that. Howard said he didn't know how he was going to pull that kind or radio off.
Howard said Herb's thing was that he'd sing to the audience. He said he had a hit record. Howard played a clip of Herb singing a lame song. Howard said he's glad he was born when he could change something in radio instead of doing this. Howard said this is what radio would have been without him. Howard said guys like this hated him because he made their lives miserable. Howard said he worked on his show day and night and those guys would just bullshit around.
Howard played a clip from 1965 when Herb did a Power Blackout game show. In that one Herb had people call in with an essay to win a transistor radio. Howard said how generous.
Howard read that Herb left radio in 1968 because he couldn't accept the ''acid rock'' that was coming out. Howard said he had to talk for a few seconds every 12 minutes and he quit over that. Howard did an impression of Herb quitting his job over acid rock.
Howard said it says that he grew up in an orphanage. Howard said he got a gig at WCBS-FM where they played the oldies. Howard said they'd put echo chamber on those guys. Howard played a clip of Herb on WCBS where he played one of his songs where he sang.
Howard said this was another era. He said after the song was over he'd thank the listeners. Howard played that clip too. Herb closed out the show introducing Cousin Brucie who was coming up next.
Howard said that you never have any idea what they're talking about. He said they sound right but there's no actual content. Howard did an impression of Herb doing his thing and just rambling about nothing. He had echo on his voice like they used to do on WCBS.
Robin said acid rock was like Jimi Hendrix and Deep Purple. Howard said he quit over Deep Purple. Howard played some Deep Purple and had Herb quitting his job over that.
Howard played another clip of Herb talking about something that Howard didn't get. He asked what he's saying. He did more of an impression of him and then Fred played some more acid rock to scare herb off.
Howard said he liked his farewell sign off. Howard played another clip of Herb saying goodbye. He said he's teaching the kids out there. Howard said rest in peace my man. He did more of an impression of Herb and talked about how those assholes like Howard Stern came along... Fred played more acid rock to scare Herb off the radio. Howard did more of his voice and goofed on Herb a little more.
Howard said he likes when Herb thanks people for inviting them into their homes. Howard said he thinks he means himself but he calls himself ''us.'' Howard said this guy was doing this stuff when he started out. He played a clip of Herb doing a lame broadcast where he talked about his mother being in the audience. Howard said his competition was Joe O'Brien. Howard said imagine giving up that gig. He said Herb was doing radio in Vero Beach, Florida. He said he did some cruise ship announcing too.
Howard said his competition was Joe O'Brien and he was way into it. He said he had jokes and Herb didn't have any jokes. Howard said there were big laughs on Joe's show. Howard played a clip where they played a jingle. Howard said someone asked if he ever had a jingle. Howard said he had one at WNBC. Howard sang his jingle. He said he was brought in to understand his jingles. He said he had to play things when they played certain songs. Howard said Kevin Metheny had rules. He said they were stupid rules. Howard did his impression of Kevin too.
Howard said Joe O'Brien has his jingles going too. Howard played a clip of Joe doing a traffic and weather update with his jingles playing. Howard laughed when he heard it. He said the whole show was jingles. He said the morning man would get the crazy ones. He said they'd do a lot of crazy good morning announcements.
Howard played another clip of Joe telling a joke. After listening to that Howard said he's not sure he could have done radio like that. Robin said Joe just told people to go down to a Ford dealer and get a Kid-Me-Not pin. Howard said imagine going to school with that pin. Howard said this kind of stuff is kind of back with top 40 radio. He said it's not as bad but it's still lame.
Howard played another clip of Joe doing his thing and telling a lame joke. Howard said he doesn't even understand that one. Howard said radio was fucked. He said they worked with a bunch of those guys back then. Howard said they got them in their sad part of their careers. He said they worked with Jack Spector and he had an eye glasses business. He said he had fuck you money at that time. Howard said a couple of years later he died. He was working and he died at the console. Howard said the record was skipping and they came in and found him dead.
Howard said the console that Jack died at is haunted now. He said his ghost comes out every couple of minutes. Howard said he doesn't know what he would have done in radio back then if he had to do that. Robin said he probably would have gone in a different direction. Howard did his impression of those guys telling lame jokes.
Howard said he might not have gone into radio. He said he may have gone into hotel and restaurant management. He said that Joe was replaced by Imus. He said that time marches on.
Robin said it's funny that Herb didn't want the music to change. Howard said he couldn't take the acid rock. Howard said imagine quitting because the music didn't appeal to you. Howard said he wishes they could have had him on to talk about how radio has changed. Howard asked Gary to find some of his WNBC recordings.
Memet came in and said he's not sure how much he wants to get into this. He said people are treating him like Ted Bundy. Howard said he heard he's in a deep depression over the email he's getting. Memet said that people are calling him a pedophile. Memet said he's not one. He said you don't like seeing people saying that. Howard told him to grow up. He said so what if everyone online is calling him a rapist. Memet said no one likes negative tweets.
Howard said Memet is obsessed with it. Howard said everyone loved hearing his exploits. Gary said the guys are saying that as soon as he's done he'll go on social media to see what people are saying. Howard said it's a bunch of trolls. Memet said he gets it when people walk away from Twitter. Howard found that funny.
Howard asked what happened on the date. Memet said the date was screwed. He said that he was messed up that day. He said she was very cute. Howard asked if he met her at the bar under his apartment. Memet said he let them get into his head so he didn't meet her there. He met her a block away. Howard said they fucked his game up. Memet said he was thinking about the day earlier. He said she asked him how old he is and he said he was 28 online. He said he didn't think it would be a big deal. He said she looked at him like he was 45 when he said he was 30. He said she had a look of horror on her face. He said because of that he turned bright red and sweat came pouring down his face. Memet said that didn't go so well. He said he was still able to get her to come back to his place. He said that was a whole other story.
Howard asked if he banged her. Memet said that people will think he's a dick of he talks about this. Howard said she goes back to his apartment and then what. Memet said that she had some beer and he was able to get her to come with him. He said she wasn't drunk though. Howard asked if she was hot. Memet said she was.
Memet said they got into that condom discussion and he was thinking about that too. He said he wasn't going to bring up not wearing one. He said he was going to wear one. Memet said that he knows this is a long story. He said the clothes came off and he put his condom on. Robin asked if he lost his erection. Memet said he had the worst of both worlds happen. He said he didn't jerk off before the date. He said he wanted to be sure that didn't happen. Howard asked if he came when he put the condom on. Memet said he was hard and he put the condom on but he hadn't jerked off. He said embarrassingly he still came in like 30 seconds or 15 seconds. Howard said that's because he's with a hot chick who is only 19.
Memet said it gets worse. He said he can go multiple times. Memet said he apologized for going too fast. He said they're okay with that the first time. Memet said she was so hot that he doesn't compliment them. He said she was so hot that he couldn't help himself. He said he kept telling her how hot she was when her clothes were coming off. Howard said he should think of Benjy when that's going on.
Howard asked how long he waited. Memet said it was like 5-10 minutes before he did it again. Robin asked if he did anything for her. Memet said that he fingered her but didn't go down on her. Howard asked if she blew him. Memet said that didn't happen either. Howard said she's probably thinking about how a 30 year old is taking her and then it's over.
Memet said the second time he got it up and put the condom on. He said things were back to normal. He said they were having sex but within a minute he lost it. He said there is no feeling there. He said he could feel himself getting soft. He said he was like a chick and faked that he was cumming again. He said he had to do that to save it. He said it's fucked up and it's only when he uses condoms.
Howard took a call from the girl who banged Memet and it was just a crying baby. Howard said she was pretty young.
Howard asked if Memet makes a sound when he cums. Memet said probably. He said she was really hot and she lives like 5 blocks away. Howard asked if she's going to want more. Memet said no. He said when that happens he won't even text her. Howard said maybe she digs him. Howard said he could have said she was just so hot that he came fast. Memet said she didn't unfriend him so the door isn't closed completely. He said he's afraid to say something now because she might say something negative and that will fuck with his head.
Howard said he heard Ronnie is out there yelling. He had Ronnie come in. Ronnie came in and asked what's wrong with Memet. Memet asked what he's talking about. Ronnie asked what he's doing to these girls. He said he just goes in and sticks it in. He said you can't just get them drunk and throw them on the bed. Howard said he's just sticking his dick in them. Howard asked what he should do. Ronnie said this doesn't even work. Memet said it does work. Howard asked if he should play with their clit and stuff. Ronnie said yes he should.
Ronnie said Memet said that he doesn't go down on the girls if they're new but he will stick his dick in them. He said if Memet went down on her she'd be screaming. Howard said he could get HPV if he goes down on them. Ronnie asked who gives a shit at that point. He said have some fun with it. He said his phone isn't ringing off the hook from her. Memet said this doesn't happen every time. Ronnie told him to just do the deal and eat her asshole out. He said she's 19 and he was dying for that so just do it. Memet said he knows he just fucked up.
Howard said he should bring Ronnie with him next time and let him coach him. Memet said he thinks he's just going to take a break from this for a while.
Howard said Sal is saying that Memet once fucked a girl and called an Uber and left without her even knowing. Sal told Howard that he called the Uber to get her out of the apartment. Howard said the girl got an Uber. Howard said that's great. Howard said he's got no game. Memet said that just happened one time.
Ronnie said that Memet was out there saying he didn't want to come in there. He said he's getting all of this pussy from this. Memet said it's not from this. Memet said he has to step away from this for a while. Howard said he bets he could get round 2 from that 19 year old. Ronnie said she doesn't need him. Robin said she can find someone to fuck her.
Ronnie said that getting it up again in 5 minutes isn't that big of a deal. Howard said he could get it up in 5 minutes with a 19 year old. Howard said he thanks god for rubbers because it slows him down. Howard asked how big his cock is. Memet said that he's okay. Robin said he must be kind of skinny.
Howard said Ronnie's advice is to give the girl a good time. Ronnie said that he should take them upstairs and do something. Robin said they do want to have a good time. Ronnie said it's not just stick it in and call an Uber. Howard laughed.
Ronnie said he needs some guidance. Robin asked if his dad ever had a talk with him. Memet said he needs to clear his head. Howard said it's so clear that there's noting in there. Memet said the girls hate romance. He said he gets them into bed quickly because they don't want that. Howard said after this he shouldn't go on Twitter.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who thinks he could get Memet by the end of the year. Janks asked him to please wear condoms because he's not going to get anything from him. He said that Memet can't get hard because he's gay and he doesn't know it yet. Howard asked if he could get Memet hard. Janks said he would suck him off first because he's a top. Janks said it took him a while to figure out he's not gay. Memet asked why he doesn't have the problem when he doesn't use condoms. Janks said that he just doesn't know he's gay yet. Howard said good luck getting Memet into bed. Howard said he doesn't think Memet is gay.
Memet said that the whole thing is overblown. He said that the condom thing is over blown. Ronnie asked why he's worried about what everyone is saying. Memet said that it was fresh in his head.
Howard told Memet to show Ronnie the picture of the 19 year old. He had to go get his phone. Howard asked if Ronnie thinks Memet could get the 19 year old again. Ronnie said he doesn't think so. Howard said it would be funny if Ronnie hid in a closet and gave him advice.
Ronnie saw the picture of the 19 year old and said he has a problem. He said he needs to seek some help. He said she's smokin' hot. He said she took all of her clothes off. Memet said they had successful sex. Memet said he did it one and a half times. He faked an orgasm the second time. Memet said if he wasn't wearing a condom it wouldn't have been a problem. He said he's gotten used to it without the condom. Howard said in college he didn't use condoms. Memet said he's just getting used to it. Ronnie said ''obviously not.''
Howard asked how he can go down on a strange chick. Ronnie said he's fucking her without a condom so what's the difference. Howard asked if he ever gets girls more than once. Memet said that maybe half of them come back. He said sometimes he's the one who isn't interested. Howard asked if he has a rotation of girls. Memet said he doesn't. Howard asked if he has a girl now. Memet said he likes variety.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Memet is such an asshole. He said you have to get the girl off first. He said that it doesn't matter if he finishes fast if he's gotten her off. He said the chicks will keep calling if you get them off. Howard asked if he rubbed her vagina at all. Memet said he did finger her. Memet said he was off his game that night. The caller said that's the kind of stuff he did at 16. He asked if Memet has had a long term girlfriend. Memet said he has but not a live in girlfriend. Ronnie said he thinks this caller is right. He said you turn the girl on and get her on fire.
Howard said Memet is fucking up too much. Memet said that these are just a few horror stories he's had. Howard asked if she was wet when he went in. Memet said she seemed to be into him. He said they were having a good time. Memet said she had 2 beers and she wasn't drunk. Ronnie said you don't want them too drunk. He said then they start throwing up.
Howard asked if Memet watches a lot of porn because that can cause erectile dysfunction. Memet said he does watch a bit. Ronnie said he should have gone down on this girl. He said if he just did the right thing she'll be knocking on his door again.
Memet said he has to step away from the game a while. Robin said he's trying to be 28 so he had better not waste his time.
Howard asked if he wrote an essay on the dangers of porn one time. Memet said he did that in college. Howard asked him to bring that in. Memet said he's not going to do that.
Howard said Ronnie gets freaky with chicks. He asked what he'd be doing with a 19 year old. Ronnie said if that was him he'd be doing her every night since. He would have moved her in. Howard said he'd be on a mad tear with her. Memet said he has low self esteem and he'd rather just walk away than face rejection. Ronnie said he'd just tell her he was nervous and it was a long time since he was with a hot girl like her. Howard asked if he should have gotten into a bath tub with her or something. Ronnie said he's not sure a 19 year old would be into that but she'd be into getting off.
Memet was upset about the whole thing and talking about giving it up for a while. Ronnie told him to get back on the horse and just go back out. Howard did an impression of Ronnie telling him to get back out here and just slap her pussy. Ronnie told him to get her off and not worry about himself getting off. Howard told him to lick her asshole like a candle in his Ronnie voice. Howard played a song parody about Ronnie. Howard said that's a party right there.
Howard asked if Memet is going to be one of those Ninjas that goes off into the woods and comes back better than ever. Memet said that if he can get used to condoms then yes.
Howard took a call from the 19 year old's vagina. It was one of the guys in the back talking about how dry he was.
Howard said Memet did get her up to his room. Memet said he'll talk to him in a couple of months about how he's doing. Howard said he should call that girl and tell her he had a great time with her and he enjoyed being with her and take her out to dinner. Memet said he may do that to get a response. Howard told him to do that now. He asked if he can text her. Memet said she may not get right back to him. Howard told him what to write. He told him to say ''Feel awkward writing this but I've been thinking about you. Didn't get in contact because...'' Gary said all of the young guys in the back are saying this is the wrong way to go about it. Howard said maybe he could bring her to Toys R Us to get her a gift.
Gary said the guys are saying he should just say he had fun and lets hang again. Howard asked who's saying that back there. Ronnie said it must be Nowicki. Gary said some of the guys are saying that he should ignore what happened and just ask her out again. Ronnie said that's what he should do. Memet said he doesn't want to do this but he's a good sport.
Gary said Memet lied like crazy to get her and he's worried about this. Memet said all he lied about was his age. Howard said just tell her that he's sorry he hasn't been in touch and he's been busy at work. Memet said he wants to say that work has been crazy and ask if she wants to go out again.
Howard said Brent is saying that he's saying the wrong thing. Memet said it's too late. He already sent it. Howard asked what he did wrong. Brent came in and said you apologize for nothing. Memet said that he did say that work has been crazy. Brent said that you don't say sorry. Howard said it wasn't apologizing. Howard said Brent is a playboy, just look at him. Brent said his wife is 15 years younger than him and she's way out of his league and he still got her.
Howard asked if she gave a response. Memet said she's probably not even up. Howard said she's still a teenager. Memet said that she's almost 20. Memet said that Gary was talking about how disgusting it is to think about being with a 19 year old. Gary said that's just it for him and he's 56 years old. Howard said meanwhile Gary was looking at girl's shit. Howard said Gary thinks Memet is very unlikable. He said this is making things worse for him. Memet said people at home just hear a guy talking about this shit. He said in the back he just takes abuse from these guys and he doesn't fight back.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's 30 now but she dated a 30 year old when she was 20 and she felt like he was using her for sex. She said it was heart breaking. Memet said the girl was very nice but they didn't have a lot in common. Memet said that they're two adults.
Ronnie asked the caller about the 30 year old she dated and if he did the right thing for her and got her off. She said he was just like Memet. She said that when you're 19 you just want attention from a guy. She said she was so excited when she'd get a call or a text from him. She said she feels like Memet is doing the same thing. She said he's not as mature as he should be.
Howard said Memet has said that his goal is to fuck the girls as soon as possible. Memet said that's every guy's goal and he's just honest about it.
Howard asked if anyone wants to hear from King of All Blacks. Howard said he might have good advice. Howard took the call and King said he has Verizon now. Howard said it sounds better. King said he doesn't actually have Verizon. King said that he has to do all of that stuff the guys were telling him to do. He said he has to take her out and shut her down and don't take her phone calls or anything. Howard asked how women are with men. Howard said King is telling him to do what Ronnie says and then dump her. King said you just shut her down and you're done. Ronnie asked why he'd do that. Howard thanked King and let him go.
Howard took a call from Tanner Mom (Shuli) who said Memet can eat her ass. She said she loves ''Lemet.'' She yelled at Ronnie but then said she tanned her asshole for him. Howard let Tanner Mom go a short time later.
Howard did his King of All Blacks impression and had Memet kicking the girl out of the car after banging her. Memet said that he has to say that he tries to convince girls to have sex without a condom. He said he doesn't force them to do it. Ronnie said he'd like to hear that conversation. Howard asked if he uses fake names with these girls. Memet said he doesn't but he should.
Memet said that he'll wait to see if the girl brings up the condom thing. He said that she's an active participant so he waits to find out what they want. Memet said he doesn't finish inside these girls. Howard said he could dribble. Memet said if the girl asks him to use one then he'll do it. Memet said that there's like a .001 percent chance of getting a girl pregnant if you pull out. Howard said that stuff can come out and you don't even know it. Howard asked if he ever worries about getting a girl pregnant. Memet said he doesn't because he doesn't finish inside. Howard said he has a lot of bad information. Memet said he has the correct information he just makes bad decisions.
Memet said he's going to try to get used to using a condom. Howard took a call from a guy who had some thoughts on what it must be like when he tells a girl he's not going to use a condom.
The guys asked Memet when he won't worry about using a condom. Memet said if they're on birth control then he doesn't worry. Robin said that those are only 82 percent effective. Ronnie and Fred were talking about how the pull out method isn't effective birth control. It can still lead to pregnancy.
Howard asked Memet if he's gotten a text back yet. Memet said he hasn't. He said she may see it and wait a day to even get back to him. Robin read about how the pull out method does little or nothing to stop pregnancy.
Howard ended up talking about Alex Jones with Brent. They were talking about how Alex has said that Sandy Hook didn't really happen. Howard said he seemed kind of sane when he was in there. Brent said that's the act. He said the insane part is the real Alex Jones.
Memet said that people are treating him like a creep for going out with a 19 year old. Howard said he comes off like a creep for being honest. Howard said he had a successful date. Ronnie and Brent said it wasn't so successful. Howard said he did get laid. Howard said he just called an Uber for Memet because he's done with him.
Memet said that he called the Uber for that girl because she annoyed him. He said she was going to go home anyway and she came in on the subway. Howard asked if he called the Uber before the sex. Memet said it was a little after the coitus. Ronnie asked how long it was. Memet said it was a little while. Memet said he was with her for like 20 minutes. Brent said he thought that he finished fast with girls. Memet said that the quick thing doesn't happen every time. Howard asked where he cums. Memet said on the belly sometimes. Memet said sometimes he'll clean it off.
Howard asked if he came on his own face once. Memet said he did. He said he was pulling out and it shot up and hit him on the face. Memet said he was about to cum so he pulled out and he was going to cum on her stomach so he was looking down and he shot so hard it went past her stomach and onto his eyebrow and into his eye. Howard said he should have called himself an Uber. Ronnie said that part of that load was inside that girl. Memet said it was not.
Howard asked if the girl laughed. Memet said she did but he didn't. He said that's what happens when you save it up. Brent said Memet has had a load to his face. Memet said it was his own though. Howard said he should wear a mask when he has sex. Memet said he was impressed with how far it went.
Howard said Memet scored and that's his metric for success. Ronnie asked if he keeps a journal. Memet said he doesn't. Howard said that's good because they'd make him bring it in.
Ronnie asked why he sent the girl home in the Uber. Memet said that she was younger and they didn't have a lot in common. He said they're not as annoying before sex. He said that it happens once in a while. He said that he doesn't get annoyed by all of the girls. He said her personality was grating to him. He said she was bubbly and it was like talking to a 15 year old. Howard said he loves Ronnie staring at Memet. He said he's got the gold bracelet on his wrist and he loves looking at that. He said he can't get enough of this. He said it's been an hour and 40 minutes of it already.
Gary read some tweets that they're getting about Memet. They're getting a bunch about how robotic he is and how bad this is coming off.
Howard took a call from a guy who said a buddy of his did some one night stands and he was pulling out and he got two girls pregnant. Memet said he needs someone to come out with a condom that doesn't suck. Brent said maybe he's shooting blanks. Memet said that's not going to happen to him. Howard said he can't wait for him to come in and tell them that the girl is pregnant and she won't get an abortion. Ronnie said they'll be taking him out of there on a stretcher.
Howard said that abortions won't be legal anymore and he'll end up with like 28 kids to match his age. Memet asked if Brent always wore condoms on a one night stand. Brent said on one night stands yes. Howard said he loves condoms. Brent said that they scared the shit out of kids who grew up in the 80s so they're used to them. Howard said they used to give the G.I.'s condoms. He said that he's going to tell Memet that he should beat off with a condom. Memet said he's thought of that.
Howard took a call from a gay guy who said he wants to fuck Memet and fuck some sense into him. He asked how he doesn't know that the pull out method isn't effective. Memet said that he'd like to know how it works if you don't shoot a load in there. He said there isn't live sperm in pre-cum. Ronnie said this guy is fucked up. Brent said it doesn't take much to get a girl pregnant. Memet said there's not enough to get a girl pregnant. Everyone was laughing at him.
Fred read that the pre-cum doesn't have sperm in it but it may pick up other sperm from a previous ejaculation.
Memet asked if the caller has ever had sex without a condom. The caller said he's gay so he doesn't worry about pregnancy. He's had some STD's and gotten treatment for them. Howard said Memet doesn't know basic sex-ed. Memet said he does. He said he has to quit opening his mouth about this stuff. Howard and Robin said he has to keep talking so they can help him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was told that he was shooting blanks 13 years ago and he ended up getting his wife pregnant even though he was doing the pull out method. He told Memet he's an idiot. Memet asked how they know it's his. The caller said if it comes out as a long haired douche then they'll know it's Memet's.
Howard took a call from George Takei who was making sex noises and stuff. Howard said that's it for Memet. Howard said he had sex with the 19 year old. He said that Ronnie is critical of him not getting her off. Howard said they have also learned that he can get a girl pregnant with the pull out method. Howard said even Gary the Conqueror knows to use a condom.
Ronnie asked when he's going to start his celibacy. Memet said it started yesterday. They went to break after that.
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Howard asked Robin if she's eating. Robin said she has a nut. Howard asked if she has nuts in her mouth. Robin said she does.
Howard said Trump used to call in all the time but now they have a fake Trump calling them. Howard picked up on Fake Trump and asked some scripted questions. The guys in the back played the pre-recorded clips of fake Trump answering. Howard asked about the wall and Trump said that Mexico will reimburse us later. He said they also say that their water doesn't give you diarrhea.
Howard asked Trump about how he's picking a supreme court candidate. He said they have to compete to see who sells more Hagen Daas ice cream than Coolio does.
Howard asked Trump about the inauguration and his inflated numbers. Fake Trump said there were 2 million but kept increasing it until they were up to 12 billion.
Trump mentioned launching nuclear weapons and that led to his Alexa warning that they were about to launch. He had to stop her from doing it.
Fake Trump also bad mouthed Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard had phony Arnold on the phone too so he put them on together. Howard let the two go at it for a minute. Howard let the two of them go a short time later after arguing about who was going to hang up first.
Robin said she thought they'd be at the White House by now but it's not working out for them. Howard said no it's not. He said he has to take another break. He said he has a bunch of tape to play. They went to break after that.
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Howard said Gary is printing out pictures of Joe Buck's wife. Howard said he's waiting on that. Howard played a clip of the pass-it-on game where they pass along a message. They had one from Joe Buck reminding High Pitch Erik to watch the Super Bowl. Erik called Big Foot and told him to pass it on. Big Foot called Tan Mom what he heard and it was a fraction of what High Pitch Erik told him. Tan Mom asked what the fuck he was saying. Big Foot said that it's the Patriots against the Dallas Cowboys or the Falcons. Tan Mom thought he sounded very congested. Big Foot said he was wasted. Tan Mom called Wendy the Slow Adult and told her what she heard from Big Foot but it was nothing about the Super Bowl.
Howard said Joe Buck's wife is hot. He said he can't believe he left home to come there. Robin said she travels with him according to what Joe said yesterday.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that Memet should be very careful and not lie about his age. He said Beth is going to be on Rachel Ray today. She said she knows people like to set their DVRs. Mariann also asked why people change the kitten names. Howard said that Mariann goes on Beth's Instagram and yells at people for changing their names. Howard said Mariann asks how they can do that after Howard names them. Howard said she's a real kook. Howard asked why she cares. Mariann said that they should keep the name. Howard said cats don't care what name they have. Mariann said they get to know their names. Howard said they don't care. Howard said Mariann is nuts.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if he's heard the Rihanna song ''Love on the Brain'' yet. Howard said he hasn't. The caller said that it's serious love making music and it's going to make Howard want to have sex. Howard said he doesn't need a song to make him want that. Howard said he's listening to it now. Fred had the song playing and Howard said maybe this can keep Memet hard. Howard said it doesn't sound like Rihanna. He said he should have jingled into it with a WNBC jingle. Fred reset the song for Howard to do that.
Howard said the jingles they had weren't the ones with his name in them. Robin said she thought they had a Howard Stern. Howard played one of the WNBC jingles. Howard played that going into the Rihanna song. Howard said he's not feeling like fucking anything. He said he did just cum on his own face though. Howard said that was funny when Memet mentioned that.
Howard said he had no friends so he's not sure what he's talking about in that clip. Howard played another one that went into a song he talked up.
Howard said when they got to K-Rock they made up their own jingles. He played one where they sang ''You. Stupid. Dick!''
Howard said he and Pat play a game where they try to figure out who sang certain songs. Howard said they did one with Kung Fu Fighting. Howard said he didn't know who it was. Fred reminded him and played some of the song. Howard said that the song is kind of racist with the music.
Howard played a Baba Booey jingle that a fan made. Howard said this is good stuff. They played another song to talk up in that one. They had some Robert Palmer ''Addicted to Love'' to talk up.
Howard said Roger Ailes had to be thrown out because he was hitting on all of the girls. Howard said he looks like Alfred Hitchcock and he behaved like him too. He said his perversion was his genius. He said it's kind of weird. Howard said he was so whacked out he'd invite girls in to show how they look in a bra. Howard said Megyn Kelly gets invited into his office and gets hit on. Fred played some Lenny Dykstra clips to play the part of Roger Ailes.
Howard asked who the woman was that started the lawsuits. Gary said it was Gretchen Carlson. Howard said she fucked up FOX News.
Howard said he's not sure how that channel makes money. He said they have the same sponsors that they do. Robin said they have that chair that tilts forward for you to get you out. She said they have that thing that brings you up the stairs. Howard wondered how that attaches. Robin said it must screw into the wall. Howard said he'd need like 50 guys to install that for him.
Howard said they also have the gold and silver commercials. Gary said they have a thing called the Shoedini which is for people who can't bend down to put their shoes on. Howard said imagine you're that fucked up that you can't bend down to put your shoes on. Robin said they can't move to change the channel.
Robin said they have the catheter commercial too. Howard wondered how many people in the audience need those. Howard said they're shoveling tubes up their dicks. He said that's the audience over there. Howard said it works though.
Howard said he thinks that they're going to start hiring ugly women over there. He said it's going to mess up the channel. Robin said she doesn't think so.
Robin said that Megyn Kelly was hired by NBC and they're paying her like $12 million. Howard said he heard they might get rid of Hoda and Kathie Lee and put Megyn in there. Howard said they don't know what to do with her. Howard said they're confused.
Howard had a montage of commercials they run on FOX News. They had a ton of commercials for people who have different health problems.
Howard said the Roger Ailes story is a good one. He said they need to make a movie about that. Robin said she heard he's really paranoid and has cameras mounted all over his house. Howard said some of those women have titties and tight dresses. Robin said the people who need protection are the people who deal with him. Howard said that's all alleged. He said nothing has been proven.
Howard asked if he has to break. Fred said he does. Howard said he has to pee at some point. He said what happens is that he has to sit there for live commercials. Fred said do one now and he can pee. Howard said he doesn't have a second to think straight. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back and said imagine going up to a stranger and asking them to do that. Howard said Richard's dad called and left Richard a message about a possum. Howard played the clip and Richard's dad told him a story about the dogs fighting with a possum. Howard said he thinks Richard's dad is really sweet. He said he calls to tell him about his day. Howard said he thinks that Richard's dad loves his son and he checks in with him every day. Robin said that it would work for Howard if his dad was like that. Robin said maybe Richard needed Howard's dad as a dad. Howard said they live a simple life. Howard said they don't have internet service out there. He said there are still places you can't get internet.
Robin asked if they have cable out there. Howard said he wonders. He said Richard's dad seems like the kind of dad you'd want. Howard asked why Richard is so fucked up. Richard came in and said he had an awesome upbringing and he's not unhappy. Howard said he drinks though. He has to drink to be happy. Richard said it's just fun. Howard said he's running away from something. Richard said most of the time he's just buzzed and enjoying himself.
Howard said if they have to put you in a wheelchair to get you on a plane then you have a problem. Richard said he's afraid of flying so he has to drink. Howard said he's not sure what Richard's issue is.
Robin said there's something Richard doesn't want to deal with. Howard asked if it's suppressed homosexuality. Robin said she's not sure. Howard said if you bathe with a guy when you're 16 or 17 then there's an issue. Richard said Howard feels guilty about drinking red wine. Howard said he has an issue with his liver.
Howard asked if his mom or dad ever tried to do anything weird to him. Richard said no but his friend did jerk off in front of him once. He said his parents were the coolest. Howard said everything he hears from his dad is cool. He asked Richard if someone in school tried to shove something up his ass. Richard said they didn't. He said his problem in school was that girls didn't pay attention to him. He said every guy had that problem.
Richard said his parents upgraded to a police scanner. He said he got them a digital one. He said they love to hear the local stuff going on. He said it's calls about cows being out on Route 4 or something.
Richard told a story about how he made a firecracker out of a toilet paper roll and gun powder and he ended up burning a hole in the carpet and his dad told him to just put a chair over it. Robin said that's the problem right there. No boundaries.
Richard said he did get in trouble for melting his sister's Barbie Doll. He said they weren't too happy about that. Howard let him go after that.
Howard told Tan Mom about Tanner Mom who says she's tanner than Tan Mom. Shuli was doing the Tanner Mom voice and hitting buttons on the phone like Tan Mom was. Tan Mom told her to just talk. Tanner Mom kept hitting buttons on the phone. Howard asked Tanner Mom how she got so tan. Tanner Mom asked who Tan Mom is. Howard had Tan Mom say hello to her. Tanner Mom asked who this is. Tanner Mom said she books vacations on the sun. Tan Mom said maybe she should have some decaf. Howard said this isn't working. Howard thanked Tanner Mom for calling. Tanner Mom asked Tan Mom if she's mad at her. Tan Mom didn't have much to say about her. Howard let Tanner Mom go.
Tan Mom said she has Howard's present. Howard said he doesn't need it. He said his birthday was month's ago. Tan Mom said she wants to pop over and give it to him. Howard asked what he got her. She said it's personal. Howard asked what she got him. He said he has to go. Tan Mom wouldn't say what it was. Howard said she was supposed to bring it down on his birthday and she didn't do it. Howard said she's a little bit wild.
Howard got Wolfie on the phone and Wolfie said that the country is really divided. He said the healing hasn't started yet.
Howard played a clip of some racist Trump supporters. Wolfie asked what kind of animal Trump would be and then what would Obama be. The guy said he'd be a chimpanzee. Howard played another clip of a guy talking about how there are jobs out there but black people are too lazy to get up and get one. Robin said that guy had statistics and said half of them are like that.
Howard played another clip of Wolfie talking to some Bikers for Trump who were saying they're going to build a meat wall.
Howard said Wolfie found a guy who hates Trump too. That guy said that they have a rapist for a president. He said if he comes around he's going to piss on his ass too.
Howard said he had a guy who was dressed up as Captain America who was protesting Trump. Howard played that clip and the guy explained why he was dressed the way he was. He also told Wolfie what he'd say to Trump if he met him. He said he'd throw his shield at him.
Howard played a clip of some people protesting and chanting ''No Donald Trump, No KKK, No fascist USA.'' Howard said a bunch of people were shouting ''If we don't get it shut it down.'' He said no one was sure what the ''it'' was though. Wolfie said the lead guy there yelled for a solid 2 hours or so.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Fred is the best. Howard asked why he feels that way. The caller said he should get more recognition. The caller asked if he thinks he would have gotten as far as he did without Fred. Howard said of course not. He said Fred is the greatest. He had a jingle about Fred that he played. They went to break after Howard did a live commercial read.
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Howard said that they should do the news and get the fuck out of there. Fred played Robin into it with a song parody from Little Mikey.
Howard said he was thinking about how our country is so young that we've only had 45 Presidents. Howard said we're a very young nation. Howard said they went out on the street and asked people if they know what number Trump is and no one knew. One guy said he's number 3. Another guy thought he's 250. One woman said number 9. Another guy said number 2. Howard said he bets Sal didn't even know before he went out there.
Robin started her news with a story about how Oprah Winfrey is going to be joining 60 Minutes this fall. Howard said she must think her mojo left. Howard said she should be doing her own 60 Minutes on her own channel. Howard said she might be the youngest person there. Robin said she doesn't think so.
Robin read about how Ben Affleck won't be directing the next Batman movie. Robin said he will stay on as a producer though. His schedule is keeping him from directing.
Robin read a story about the guy who invented Pac Man has died. Robin said the game came out in 1980. Robin said they say the game has been played over 10 billion times. Howard asked how he's not worth a billion dollars. He read that he was worth $10 million. He said maybe he sold too quickly when he sold the company.
Robin asked if Howard knew there was a documentary on National Lampoon. Howard said he thinks he knew that. He said he hears ''documentary'' and he's out the door. JD told him it's great. Robin said Howard has talked about what an influence it was on him. Howard said it was.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about a debate they had about Little Mikey and Psych. He said he thinks Psych runs laps around Mikey. Howard said they're dealing with funny songs. Howard said Psych is brilliant but Mikey is great because his songs aren't perfect. The caller said he thinks Psych has the lyrics and music down as well as the singing. Howard said they can do a side by side comparison. Howard played a Little Mikey song parody and got a laugh out of the way he was singing. Howard played a Psych song parody about Robin and said that's pretty good too. Howard said they're both great. He played another Little Mikey song and said he's not going to get into all of that. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked Howard who he thinks is the biggest car maker in the world. Howard said Toyota. Robin said they used to be. Howard guessed General Motors. Robin said no. He guessed the same two again. Robin said Volkswagen is the biggest.
Howard took a call from Sour King of All Blacks. Sour was doing his King impression and Howard thought it was pretty good. Howard asked who his best is. Robin said it's Gary. Sour went into his Gary impression. Howard asked him to do his Richard Simmons impression. Sour did that too. Howard asked why he hasn't called in months. Sour laughed. He did his Steve Langford impression saying ''Sour... Sour... it's against the law.'' Robin asked why he stopped calling. Howard said he will never tell them. Howard said he got into trouble with the Clintons. Howard said he dialed numbers until he got a hold of them or something. He said he can't get details from him. Sour did his Gary voice again and Sour told him that he got their number like he got Ralph's number years ago. He said he dialed about 9,999 numbers to figure out what their number was. Howard said he thinks he got in trouble because he impersonated Chuck Schumer. Gary asked if the Secret Service visited. Sour said no. Howard said he thinks he got in trouble for that. Sour said his privileges were taken away for noine months. Howard asked what Bill Clinton said to him. Sour did his Bill Clinton voice and said ''Hello.'' Sour said he didn't call as Gary. Sour was telling the story but then he hung up.
Howard said this is what goes on with this guy. Howard said he heard that Bill Clinton told him he's a great performer before they took away his privileges.
Robin read a story about how cats might be as smart as dogs and humans. Robin read about how they tested the cats. Howard said he knows a cat is smarter than Sal. Fred played some Sal clips where he wasn't able to pronounce the word prevalent. Robin read more of that cat story. Howard said they just had a cat who was kicked by some woman's boyfriend and it was abused. Howard said it was afraid of men and it was so sad. He said he doesn't know how anyone can do that to an animal. Robin said she feels like her cats are going to talk any day now. Howard said he may have Gary replaced by a cat. He said he hasn't told Gary that yet. Fred played some cat meowing sounds and Howard talked to the cat, Toby, about taking Gary's job.
Robin read a story about a new HIV drug that could be effective at reducing HIV therapy frequency.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she can't believe what Memet was saying earlier. She said she got pregnant more than once from the pulling out thing. She said that she's not sure what he even does for them. She said he might be a little slow. Howard said he is and that's why he's a writer on the show. Howard said Memet wants her number for some reason. The caller said she's married now. She said what she'd suggest is Memet work on having a relationship with the girls instead of having one night stands. Howard said Memet went to the University of North Carolina. Robin said that doesn't mean he did well there.
Robin read a story about how the Boy Scouts are now accepting transgender boys. Howard asked what the hell happened there? He said that they had a big turn around. Howard said Caitlyn Jenner might become a scout master. Howard said he loves that story. Howard said he has a transgender boy there now. Fred did his impression with his voice going from low to high. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger saying that the immigration ban looks stupid. Robin read some of the things Arnold was saying. Robin said Arnold is talking about his boss because Trump is an executive producer of The Celebrity Apprentice.
Robin read a story about some congressional leaders talking about the ban being unconstitutional. Robin said that President Trump was also making fun of Chuck Schumer crying about the ban. Robin had some audio of Schumer crying and Trump saying he's going to ask who his acting coach is.
Howard said Gary keeps giving him pictures of Joe Buck's wife. Howard showed Robin. Robin said she's still beautiful.
Robin read about how the acting attorney general was fired by Trump when she said she wasn't going to defend opposition to the ban. Robin said she's out of office after 30 years in the justice department.
Robin read a story about the CEO of Ford coming out against the travel ban. Robin said that he's saying that it could affect employees of the company because they have a big Muslim community in Dearborn.
Robin read a story about how hundreds of Google employees walked out and held a rally against President Trump's travel ban.
Robin read a story about a speech that Trump made about the holocaust and he didn't mention the Jews in it. Robin said they're getting a lot of praise from some people according to Sean Spicer. Howard did a live commercial read after that. They spent a little more time talking about the travel ban and how Howard would never leave this country. He said that's the way to avoid it.
Robin read a story about Trump signing an executive order to help small businesses. Robin said this means if they have to come up with a new regulation then they have to drop 2 other regulations. Robin asked if Howard understands that. Howard said no.
Robin read a story about a pastor from Colorado Springs who thinks this ban may not be correct. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about how the church needs to step up and be the voice of reason and compassion.
Robin read a story about Trump appointing Heather Wilson to the head of the Air Force. Robin said it's that woman who said ''You knew...'' back in the Janet Jackson debacle.
Howard read some email about Joe Buck. People were talking about how good the interview was. Howard said a lot of people are trying to grab the number 697. Howard read some email about Benjy and how he might be having a mid-life crisis. Howard said he's worried about him and his weight. He said he wants him to lose a couple of pounds. Howard said people are writing songs about him now. Howard said he had one about tittie fucking him. Howard read some email about Shuli and how he was born to be a retard wrangler. Howard read an email about Big Foot's phone connection being better than King of All Blacks. Howard said he was asked what his favorite day of the week is. Howard said his least favorite is Sunday before he has to work. He said he doesn't like Money, Tuesday or Wednesday either. Howard said he hates all days.
Howard read an email about Government Mule being played on the show. Robin said her friend was defending him yesterday because people found it hard to believe that he hadn't heard them in the 20 years they've been around.
Howard said someone wrote in about having a talk off between Kellyanne Conway and Gary. Howard said someone asked him not to say ''God bless you'' after a sneeze. Howard read the guy's reason. Fred played a clip of a sneezing girl while they talked about that.
Robin read a story about how Trump is going to be meeting with the heads of the pharmaceutical companies this week. Robin said he's also going to be going down to south Florida for the first time as President.
Robin read a story about Samantha Bee coming up with an alternative dinner to the White House Correspondents dinner. Robin read the details of that. Howard wondered what Trump is going to do about the Correspondents dinner. Robin said she's not sure because he has no sense of humor about himself. Howard said he is thin skinned himself so he'd never do that. Gary said some people are thinking that he won't go or the press may not even want him there. Howard asked who the host will be. Gary said it hasn't been announced yet. Gary said if he shows up or doesn't show up it'll be a disaster. He said it'll be interesting to see who actually shows up to it since many A-list celebrities aren't backing him.
Robin read about how voice ordering your Starbucks drink is getting close to being real. Robin said it will allow an app to take your order. Robin said it may be available to Android customers this summer. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started the show asking what song Fred played at the start of the show. Robin said it was Don Henley. Howard said Robin was going wild to the song. Robin laughed. Howard said she was really into it.
Howard said someone found his jingles from WNBC. He said Greg found them. He had them in a basement somewhere. Howard played one of the jingles. It was a quick ''Howard Stern'' and then a longer one with the WNBC added on to it. Howard said he's sure that he got that reluctantly. He said Pig Virus didn't want him to have his own. Howard said he had some where he said Harvey Stern and things like that. Howard said he's not sure why he did them. He said he might have been embarrassed to have his own. He played one where they sang ''Howard Stein.'' Howard asked Fred if he remembers them. Fred said he can't remember them even being played. Howard said if it was up to him they never would have been played. Howard said he feels bad for the singers who had to sing his name. Robin said they were happy to have a job.
Howard said he was looking in the paper this morning and the most interesting thing was about Johnny Depp and how he's going broke. Howard read some of the article and they say he's suing his financial advisors. He said they say that he was told he was blowing through his money. He bought all kinds of outlandish stuff. Howard read about some of the wacky things he was spending money on. Howard said he was reading this and now they can prepare for some really shitty Johnny Depp movies. Howard said he'll be in Mighty Ducks 7.
Howard read more of the article and said that he was spending like $2 million a month on his lifestyle. Howard said he could be in Sharknado 5 with Benjy Bronk. Howard said Pirates of the Caribbean 8 and other movies he could be in. Howard said he's going to have to make money. He said all of the artistic integrity is out the window now. He suggested Meatballs 6. He asked what movie it was where they went into the Army. That was Stripes. He said Depp could be in Stripes 17 or in Karate Kid 5.
Howard read more of the article and threw out more movies he could be in. Howard read that he was spending $200,000 a month on private jets. He read about the stuff he was collecting and keeping in storage. Howard said now it's Johnny vs. Amber Heard in Rocky 12.
Howard read that he spent $75 million for a bunch of properties around the world. He read that he spent $3 million to shoot Hunter S. Thompson's ashes out of a cannon.
Howard threw out more movies that he could do and some commercials. He said he could sell gold on FOX News. He said William Devane will be pissed. Robin said maybe Polygrip. Howard said the Johnny Depp Psychic Friends Network. Howard read more about the money he spent on Hunter S. Thompson's death party.
Howard said Depp is using his financial advisors for $25 million. Howard said they could see a Johnny Depp Periscope account. He said they could have a Johnny Depp podcast. He said they'll start with 3 a week and maybe they'll do more if you write to his sponsor.
Howard said he has some moderate priced wines. He said once in a while he'll open one up. Robin said she bought Howard some $800 wine. Howard said he won't even drink that. Howard said Beth opened a $7 bottle the other night and didn't tell him. He said he loved it. Howard said expensive wine is wasted on him. He said that Jean George himself told him that the wines they serve with dinner isn't expensive. Howard said they recommend $10 bottles. He said with dinner you don't want it over powering the food.
Howard read about Johnny Depp spending a ton of money on wine. It was $30,000 a month. Howard asked what the fuck he's buying. Howard said if it's $1000 a bottle then maybe it's not that crazy. Howard said the managers say that he was warned that his spending was out of control. He kept doing it for 17 years.
Robin said she remembers Doug Stanhope explaining what it was like to meet Depp and he had offered them his house in France which was empty. Howard said pretty soon Johnny will be staying on Doug's couch.
Howard said one of the women who was blown up by the Boston Marathon terrorist is marrying the fire fighter who saved her. Howard said the guy who rescued her is marrying her. Robin said that's amazing.
Howard said he watched an Oprah commercial the other night where she had a woman who was fat and got thin from Weight Watchers. Howard said they talk about how much they love eating chips. Howard said they give you like 2 shitty chips. Robin said that's the old Weight Watchers. Howard said it's all about portion control. Howard said Tim Sabean was on Nutrisystem and he would order 2 portions to eat. Howard said Oprah was in the woods interviewing this woman. He said he wondered what was up with that. Howard said some researcher must have figured that was the way to get women to relate to it. Howard asked what the fuck they would do that for.
Howard said he'd like to sell a diet where you have to kill what you eat. He said that would be the Richard Christy's dad diet. Howard said you'd be skinny from that diet. Howard said they send you into the woods with a spear and you'll end up skinny as a pin.
Howard heard that Jason is on Weight Watchers. Jason said he is and it worked well in the beginning but then he kind of fell off of it and gave it up for a while. Howard asked what kind of meals he was having. Jason said he was having bagel and cream cheese for breakfast and he'd run out of points for the day. Howard said he heard he had two bagels the other day for breakfast. Jason said that he had them one week but the next it was just one.
Howard asked Jason about what else he was eating. Jason told Howard about how many points an omelet would eat up in his day. Howard asked what his typical day was when he started. Jason said it was bagel and cream cheese for breakfast. Jason said he was having an egg white omelet with ketchup. For lunch he'd have chicken. He said you can eat almost unlimited chicken with no points. He said dinner was the big change. Jason said as long as there was chicken in it then he was fine. Jason said dinner is where it went crazy. He said he'd run out of points by dinner. Jason said he would barely eat. He said he'd eat what his wife made but he'd go to bed hungry. He said it was working.
Howard asked how much weight he's down. Jason said he was down by 25 pounds at his peak. Howard asked where he's at now. Jason didn't know. He said he was at 280 at his lowest. Howard told him to get on the scale. Jason went over and got on the scale. He was up to 287. Jason said he's not happy about that so he has to get on the system.
Howard said Jason isn't eating chips. Jason said he learned that the chips that you buy that are supposed to be healthy aren't so healthy. Howard said you have to work out. He said then you can eat like a normal man. Jason said he bought a treadmill and he'll use it one day.
Jason said those commercials should be about angry women who are pissed about what they weren't able to eat. Howard said he eats yogurt and berries. Jason said that's what his wife eats but he thinks yogurt is disgusting. He said it's gross. Howard said he has some granola in his. Jason said that bread and red meat are points killers. Howard said he eats a lot of pasta. He said he had some last night. Jason said Howard has room to put that in his diet.
Howard asked about Jason getting angry with his wife. Jason said that she served Penne. Jason said they were having spaghetti and meatballs. He said she just made the Penne with sauce. He said he was so jazzed up for meatballs that he got pissed. Howard said he's an adult and he can have it every night of his life. Jason said he doesn't have to cook at home and she got him all hyped up for it. He said he was angry and may have overreacted.
Robin said Howard can't complain about someone being upset about a meal. Howard said that wouldn't happen to him. Howard said he wouldn't tantrum like Jason. Robin said he has. Howard said he doesn't understand. He said he won't say he does. Robin said he came home once and the cereal wasn't in the cupboard. Robin said he got pissed.
Howard said Donald and Melania were there and they were one of the last couples to leave. Howard said he thinks he had a great time. Howard said he thinks Pat Monahan was singing and Donald and his wife were dancing. Howard said he was glad to see someone having a good time like that. He said he feels personally responsible for that. Howard said Donald did tell him he had a good time there.
Robin said she remembers the Chevy Chase moment and Donald became Donald. Robin said that no one had asked for that speech and Donald looked at her and said ''Loser.'' Howard said Chevy gave a speech about how he gave him herpes. Howard said he thought it was really funny but most people thought it was in poor taste and not funny. Howard said he didn't know that Donald was deeply offended.
Howard said things are weird now with Trump. He said he told Trump he thought that Hillary would be a good president. Howard said they have spent many times with Donald and his wife. He said one time he gave him a ride in a helicopter he had. Howard said he was shocked when he ran for president and then more shocked when people took it seriously. Howard said he was amazed because Trump was for Hillary Clinton too. Howard said the new Trump surprised him. He said he thinks a lot of what's happened is that he went out and took the conservative approach and part of him doesn't believe that Trump has had some sort of rethink on abortion and all of this. He said he thinks he's playing it to his constituency which is the religious right. Howard said he thinks that he never wanted to be political. He said he thinks he wanted to be a great business man.
Howard said when you run a country things change. He said that running government you can lay off 30,000 people and send us into a depression. Howard said he thinks Trump wants to be loved and that drives him a lot. Howard said he has a sensitive ego and when you're president people are going to be very critical. Howard said he thinks that he wants to protect the country and his motive is that people will love him and he thinks he's shocked when people come back to him and say that there's more too it. The caller said that he wants to be safe but there is more to it. Howard said that's what conservative radio is all about. He said it's like shock radio and they scream about things that you have to do but they don't get into what it really takes to do that.
Howard said that Trump isn't going to be beloved. He said it's going to be a nightmare. He said he stepped into a situation that's really not a win for him. He said it's going to be agida for him. He said Trump is 70 years old and he has a family. He said he has everything he needs and now he's stepping into this fucking mess and for what? Howard said there are people better suited for this job. Howard said he likes Donald a lot but he's not a guy who thinks the same way politically. He said he doesn't think he even thought this way politically a few years ago. Howard said he didn't really talk politics with the guy though.
The caller said that Trump is doing tings that he said he didn't want Hillary to do. Howard said he thinks he's sincere in his thoughts on what he can do. Howard said he isn't used to having a boss and now he has the country as his boss. The caller said he's going to sell us out just like he said Hillary would do.
Howard said he had many interactions with Donald and he didn't give the tapes out when the press asked for them. He said he didn't want to turn it into political football. He said he told Trump that too. Howard said he thinks this is something that is going to be detrimental to his mental health. Howard said he doesn't think it's going to be healthy for him.
Howard said Trump loves Hollywood. He said now he has all of this hate toward him and it's not going to be good for him. He said that there is nothing light hearted about being president of the United States. Robin said that there was an article in the paper today about Russell Simmons who used to be close to Donald and now he's not. Howard said he used to be in touch with him more too. He said it's sad. He asked what he needed this for. Robin said that Arnold was the same. Robin said he was embattled the whole time he was there as governor.
The caller said that some people have super egos and he thinks that Trump wanted world control. Robin said that the things he does are going to affect the entire world. Howard said he doesn't know why he wants this. He said it's crazy. He said it's a sad thing because they used to talk all the time. Howard said he can't change his political beliefs. Howard said he wouldn't do that for Robin if he didn't believe in her beliefs. Howard said he can't just change.
Howard said if Robin was against abortion all of a sudden he wouldn't be able to vote for her. Robin said she was reading about the new supreme court justice that Trump is putting in and he's the kind of judge who believes you have to go by the word of the law and not interpret it for the modern days.
Howard said he barely wants to do this job and he can't imagine taking on that job. Robin said that he wants to accomplish something that he hasn't done before. Howard said he thinks that he wanted to do it as a cool thing so he could get more from NBC for The Apprentice. Howard said when Trump's first book came out he said he might run for president. Howard said that nothing came out of that. Howard said he put out a second book and the same thing happened. Howard said he didn't run though. Then Trump was doing The Apprentice and NBC wasn't really sure if they were going to air the show. Howard said Trump said he was going to run for president again. This time he really did it. Howard said he didn't think he'd stay in it but then he started winning primaries and getting crowds. Robin said she thought he was making crazy statements to keep people from voting for him. Robin said then he started to win.
The caller asked if Howard is more likely to get laid when he watches The Bachelor or football with Beth. Howard said The Bachelor. Howard said if you share something with your wife and you put your needs aside and put her needs first they love you for that. Howard said if you want to get laid, wash the dishes. Howard said do something for your wife and don't treat her like a slave. Howard said now he thinks that playing with kittens is foreplay. Howard said Beth is ready to have sex with him when he plays with the kittens. Robin said Beth loves that. She said she gushes over that kind of thing.
The caller said that therapy really works. Howard said that's right. Howard said now he keeps notes on The Bachelor to quiz Beth with. Howard said it's fun in his house. He said there's a million things you can do. He said guys don't get it. He said do the opposite of what Memet is doing. Robin said Memet is Goofus and Howard is Gallant. Howard said the best thing to do is remember what it was like when you first started dating and how hard you worked. Howard said you had to win her over. Howard said you have to keep doing that.
Howard said women get turned on when they hear him talking about that stuff. He said he once told a woman he has a quiz about The Bachelor and she squirted on him. Howard said women think he's so much fun but he's not, he just knows what he's supposed to be doing.
Howard said his basic nature is to stay in a room all day and paint and play chess. He said sometimes he'll be in his room and ask himself what he's doing now. He said it's like when he was a kid playing in his room. He said it's like turning his wife into his mother. Howard said what he should be doing is playing with the kittens. He said he'd go down to the room and start playing with kittens. He said he does feel better doing that. Howard said then he doesn't feel lonely.
Howard said if you want an example of how not to treat your wife, here's Sal. He played the song parody Sal did where he sang ''Beat My Wife.'' Howard said in Sal's defense is that was from a dark time in his marriage. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard said in his career he has made movies and wrote books and had TV shows and a radio program that was number 1. He said recognition is slow to come. He said he has won an award or two but most of them are bogus. He said he did win the Blockbuster award when his movie came out. He said they've gone out of business. Fred said there are still 14 stores open around the country. Howard said he won a radio hall of fame award but it was some guy's basement. Howard said that's nothing.
Howard said he has won an award twice that was very meaningful. He said it's very exciting. He said this man is there again. He said his name is Michael Gillman. Mike came in and Robin was just staring at him. Howard had him tell Robin why he was there. Howard said he once got a best boss mug from Benjy but he won't be getting that again since he kicked him out of the studio.
Mike said they're honored to present Howard with the Best Hair in America award for the third time in a row. Howard said the award has no hair on it.
Howard asked Mike to tell them why this isn't a joke. Mike said that Howard has beaten people like George Clooney and Brad Pitt in the past. Mike said they poll barbers around the country. He said Howard has won it all three years they've started it. He said The Weeknd came in second. Jared Leto came in third and Zayn Malik came in fourth. He said Oscar Isaac came in fifth.
Howard told Mike he should just name it the Howard Stern Hair Award. Mike said next year it will be. He said that they have some comments from some of their hair dressers. He read one of those and it was very positive about his curls and the sheen of his hair.
Howard said that there are categories for this too. Howard said he told Beth a couple of weeks ago he might slick it back. Mike nodded no. Howard said that's what Beth said too. Howard said they have the hair to face ratio in the poll. Howard said face is his enemy. Howard said that he is very honored to have won this again even though Mike seems to be a crackpot. Howard said Gary told him that Mike wanted to give him this award and he just told him to have him in. Howard said he doesn't know who Michael Gillman is until Gary tells him it's a hair award.
Howard showed Robin he keeps the awards there in the studio near him. Mike told Howard that he has a web site, GroomingLounge.com, and they have a discount for the listeners. He said they also give some money to Bianca's Furry Friends.
Howard had Mike bring in his publicist Heather. Howard had the guys bring her in. Heather came in and Howard said that Memet was asking if she's single. Heather said she might be too old for him anyway. Howard said that a publicist has to be good looking. He said it's like she's going around to media companies and stuff and it's a prerequisite.
Howard asked Heather about what her job is like and what she had to learn in college to do this job. Howard said that Mike hires her and she gets it into the paper that they're giving the hair award to Howard Stern. Howard asked who they sent the article to. Heather said they sent it out this morning. She said it's a press release. Howard said it seems to work. He said they're doing a good job. Howard asked Heather how long she's been married. She said 7 years. Howard said it seems like a good job she has. Howard asked if she has kids. Heather said she does. She said her husband is watching the kids today. She said he works for Hewlett Packard. Howard said times have changed. He said his dad never stayed home to watch the kids. Heather said that he works from home when the kids are in school. Howard said he thought HP was out of business. Robin said they're doing fine.
Howard said he's going to leave Heather and Mike alone now. He said that he loves that he won this award. Howard said he thinks it's important. He said now he knows how Meryl Streep feels when she misses out on the Oscars. Howard said they like his hair, they really like his hair. He made a quick speech and talked about the losers. Howard said he wants to thank his hair stylist Toni who styles and cuts his hair. Howard thanked his wife too. Howard said she said to him not to grease back his hair because it would be too much face. Howard thanked Benjy for not being in the studio anymore. Howard said he wants to thank his mother's side of the family because his mother's father had hair into his 80s. Howard said he has to thank Grandpa. He said based on his track record he might be ''down there'' so thank you for the genetics and hair. He said so what if he kicked his mother out of the house when her mom died. Howard said he's not going to thank Fred. Howard asked what he had to do with it. Fred said he had a lot to do with it. He forwarded the email to Howard. He said he thought it would be a good segment and it is.
Howard said Heather should wear a shorter skirt next time. Howard said she should wear a bathing suit or a bikini. Howard asked if she wears a bikini. Heather said she can. She said it depends on who she's on vacation with. Howard asked when she wears them. She said on family vacations she will wear a one piece. Howard asked why she does that. heather said if you're running around after the kids then it's a one piece kind of vibe.
Howard asked Heather when she had her first boyfriend. She said she was 16. She said he was kind of a dork though. Howard said some of the guys there want to date her. Howard said Memet wants to date her. Heather said she's flattered. Howard said he can be done with her in about 3 seconds. Howard said he works above a bar too.
Howard asked if Memet is going bald. He had him come in. Memet came in and Howard looked at his hair. Memet said that he doesn't want to know if he is losing it. Memet said hello to Heather after Howard told him to do that. Howard said Jason is way into Heather too. Jason came in and said that he was wondering why Mike was there and thought they should just send heather.
Howard asked Mike if Memet is losing his hair. Mike said they don't think he is but he has an extremely receding hair line. Howard said he has a nice hair line. Howard asked if it's thinning. Mike said they don't think he'll be a bald guy. He said it may recede back more. Memet said someone said it looks like his hair line is running from his eyebrows.
Memet asked if he can get out of there. Howard asked what went wrong for him yesterday. Memet said it was a billion things. He said he does nothing but damage to himself when he opens his mouth. Howard said Heather won't go out with him now that she's heard him talking. She might think he's a womanizer.
Howard said they got some new songs and things about Memet yesterday. Howard had some audio of some women chanting about Memet. He played the fake chants that the guys made up. He played a song parody about Memet too.
Howard said he was telling Memet yesterday that he has to wear a condom. Memet said sex is better without one. Howard said he has to wear one. Howard asked if he got any positive emails yesterday. Memet said he may have gotten one or two. He said he tries not to look at that stuff.
Howard said Memet pulls out and he knows that's going to lead to a pregnancy. Howard read some email he got about Memet and how he shouldn't be targeting a 19 year old when he's 30. Memet asked what guy wouldn't want to do that. Robin let out a ''Ugh'' when she heard that. Memet said that women have those fantasies too. Robin said Memet is an asshole messing with a child like that. Memet said you see 18 year olds in bars in Europe all the time. Robin said that the 19 year old shouldn't even be in a bar. Memet said she would have been there no matter what. Memet said that he didn't serve her beer, the bartender did.
Howard read more email and someone said that Memet makes Ronnie look like a gentleman. Howard had a few more from people who were goofing on him about that stuff.
Howard said he had a friend write to him asking him to tell him that her husband used to pull out and that's how she got her son. Robin said Memet does it right though. Heather said it can happen. Memet said he's going to be using a rubber from now on. Howard read more emails and people were saying he's a predator.
Howard asked Heather if it's appropriate for a 30 year old to be with a 19 year old. Heather said she doesn't think so. Memet said that people are on a high horse about this. Howard said he knows he's attracted to Heather but how is he going to get one like that if he keeps down this path. Memet said he's right. He said if Heather didn't know his dark secretes he thinks they'd get along just fine.
Howard asked Heather how a Memet gets a girl like her. heather said she's not sure. She said she's not sure she'd be on Tinder. Howard asked if she has a younger sister. Heather said she does but she wouldn't introduce her to Memet. Memet said that she only says that because she knows his secrets. Memet said he's on a break now anyway. Howard said there you go.
Howard read another email from someone who said that they used to use the pull out method and now their kid is graduating high school. Howard had a couple of emails like that.
Memet said he would say that these are the situations where they didn't pull out correctly. Howard asked Mike if he's ever done the pull out method. Mike said he can't remember. Howard said he's taking that as a yes.
Howard read more of those emails to Memet and people were calling him an idiot for thinking he can't get a woman pregnant using the pull out method.
Memet said there are a lot of things that have to happen for a woman to get pregnant. He said there's a small time frame for her to get pregnant and it's not like all of these girls are walking around not on birth control. Jason said he was looking up some of this and they say that sperm can live in your body for up to 3 days. He said they could get pregnant days later.
Gary said the whole office is yelling back there. Gary said that all of that sperm that's in there can come out in the second time. Mike said the worst part of this is that it's taking away from Howard's hair award. Howard said he's looking forward to winning it again next year and the year after and for many years to come. Howard said he'll think about this award whenever he sees it there. Mike said he's more than happy to present it with the third one. Howard let Mike and Heather go after that.
Memet said it happens very rarely. Howard said it just takes one to scare him straight. Ronnie said if he knew what he was doing to himself right now. He said no girls want to come near him.
Memet said that Ham Hands bill wrote him a serious note yesterday so that really hit him. Howard said he could get STDs too. Memet said he's going to wear a condom from now on. Ronnie said he doesn't get it. He said he thinks he knows how to pull out the right way. He said there's no such thing. He said you don't know when stuff is coming out.
Howard took a call from a woman who has a 22 year old son she had after a guy knocked her up at 19 years old by pulling out. Howard said this is a guy who came on his own face. Howard said he's never done that. Memet said it was bad aim. The caller said that Memet will keep doing this. She said that he's going to keep going after them and he has to knock it off. Howard said she sounds as angry as Ronnie. Memet said a lot of these girls are on birth control themselves.
Gary asked if Memet would rather have Herpes or Hep C. Memet said neither. He said he'd rather have Hep C actually. He said he doesn't want herpes. Howard said he'd rather have something that kills him early instead of the open sore.
Howard said the 19 year old there is something predatory going on there. Howard said that getting on Tinder and fucking her after lying about his age is wrong. Howard said if he met a 19 year old and wanted to date her for a while that's another story. He said this is a Tinder date and a one nighter. Memet said this girl wasn't a victim. Howard asked if she ever texted him back. Memet said she didn't and he knew she wasn't going to.
Howard read about how there were more STDs reported last year than ever before. Robin said Memet doesn't know what's going through a 19 year old's mind. Memet said that Robin is making him feel like a real creep. Robin said she's still developing. She said she had a horrible experience. Howard said she made him cum too fast.
Howard said Ronnie came up in the email and people were agreeing with what he was saying. Memet said one thing that pisses people off is when he says that when he tries to treat the girls nice then they run away from him faster than ever. Howard read some more email about Ronnie's advice. People were agreeing with what he had to say yesterday.
Memet said he's taking a break and he's going to wear a condom from now on. Howard asked if he's wearing one now. Memet said he's not but he's thinking that he might try jerking off with one on. Ronnie asked what kind he uses. Memet said he uses the thin Trojan. Howard said he uses Durex. Memet said someone suggested that he use a Magnum that it will feel looser. Howard said it'll come off. Howard said he uses Magnum wrappers to put the regular condoms in. Howard said Beth still thinks he wears them.
Memet said he was noticing that people were making comments about him being disgusting. He said that most of the girls were girls who wanted to be with him and he ignored or rejected. He said he's going to rebuild everything by going off the radar for a while. Howard said he'll be Safe Memet from now on.
Howard asked if he's going to tell his real age on Tinder. Memet said he's going to keep it the younger age. Memet said he's happy dating a 35 year old but he wants 20 year olds to see his picture. Howard said he wants 20 year olds. Ronnie said they'll run if they know he's lying. Howard said the 19 year old didn't run when she found out he wasn't 28.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she can't wait for the day when she tells them that his girlfriend is pregnant. She said she's so retarded. Howard asked if she's hot. She said she's a 5 or a 6 maybe. Howard said he has to go.
Howard took another call from a woman who said her friend got pregnant after her husband did the pull out thing just one night. She said it happens. She said that maybe he needs an older woman. Memet said his performance is fine. He said that she's only hearing about the bad times. The caller said he wasn't even able to stay hard the second time. Fred played the Mr. Softee theme song while they were talking about that. Ronnie was cracking up at that and Memet said he's just trying to ignore that. Howard said that's what Memet plays when he's fucking you.
Memet said he knows women can't get their mind around dating a 19 year old but that's a normal thing. Howard took a call from a woman who said she agrees with the guys but she's curious if Memet's mind is as old as a 19 year old. Robin said that might be it. She said he might be emotionally immature. The caller said maybe he's not ready for a 30 year old. Memet said he finds that girls who are older and his age are ready for a relationship and he's not ready for that. Memet said that he could date older women and lead them on but he's not. He said he's the good guy.
Ronnie said he was ready to punch a hole in the wall out there. He said Memet just doesn't want to hear the trouble he can get into. Memet said he was just up front about the whole thing. He said he's going to be careful from now on.
Ronnie said he doesn't get why he doesn't accept that there is no safe pull out method. Howard said especially for a guy who cums too quick. Ronnie said if he's finishing quick then he's blowing loads in the chick. Memet said he's going to unplug and not even jerk off for a while. Howard asked why he's going from one extreme to another. Memet said his life ebbs and flows. He said it comes too quickly. Howard said he's going to lock himself in his house and not go out. Howard said he won't go to see a psychiatrist either. Memet said he's not even going to jerk off. He won't even read articles that turn him on. Ronnie said he won't cum for a long time and he'll end up with a girl and give her twins.
Memet said he thinks that he can stay away from it for a while and then go back to it and enjoy using condoms. Howard said that is a plan. Ronnie said what's going to happen is he's going to end up cumming as he's putting the condom on. He won't even make it in there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's on Team Memet. The guy said he's a pilot and he fucks girls with no condoms and he's never had a kid. Memet asked if he's ever had an STD. The caller said he did. He said he puts a rubber on and he's instantly soft. He thinks it's an allergy to latex. Memet said that could be it.
The caller said he's a pilot and he bangs the flight attendants. He said that he was 21 years old when he started and he was so horny. He said he's 32 now. Howard asked if he was fucking the hags. The caller said he was. He said that he wants to hang out with Memet. Memet said he's not sure he wants this guy on his side. The caller, Paul, said he has pulled out since he was 13 and he hasn't had any kids. He said that he got and STD once but he got treated for it and he was fine. He said he still hates condoms.
Ronnie told him to listen to this guy and he'll be just fine. Howard asked if Paul will help him with child support. Paul said sure. Howard asked if he can fuck a girl while he's flying. Paul said there is Autopilot for that. Howard asked if there are still hot flight attendants. Paul said there are a bunch of hot 19 year olds. He said they call them the freshman crew.
Howard asked if Paul is good looking. Paul said he has a receding hair line. He said that he still works out and looks good. Howard asked if he wars a uniform. Paul said of course he does. He said he has a Trump sticker on his luggage too. He said the protesters loved that the other day.
Robin asked if he fucks flight attendants on his own airline. Paul said he'll try to fuck the girls on other airlines. Howard asked if he could fuck a TSA agent. Paul said he actually did that. Howard asked how he did that. Paul said he goes through security and you get to know people in your area. He said the uniform works wonders. Howard asked who has the hottest women. Paul said Jet Blue. Ronnie said ''What!?'' He didn't believe it. He said most of the time they have guys. Howard asked if he can fuck the passengers. Paul laughed and said he can. Howard said that's what Memet should be doing for a job.
Howard said he hasn't been on a commercial flight since 9/11. Paul said he's with Memet on porn. He said that he had to have $300 deducted from his check for watching porn in the hotel rooms.
Howard asked if he's had a scare on any flights. Paul said he has had some scares from mechanical problems. Robin asked if he could have done a Sully and landed in the Hudson. Paul said he did that in training and they were all able to do that. He said Sully is a nice guy tough and it was a godsend that he had the experience he did to be able to land it.
Paul said he wants to hang with Ronnie too. Fred played his ''Lets fuck some whores!'' clip. Paul said he would love to fuck some whores. Howard asked if he's had a threesome. Paul said he has. Howard said he was reading that Emirates airline has the hottest chicks and Jet Blue was at number 13. Ronnie said Stephanie's sister was a flight attendant. Howard asked if the pilots tried to fuck her. Ronnie said he'd have to ask her.
Howard asked how old the new flight attendants are. Paul said they're 19-22. He said they can't discriminate so they do throw some old bags in there. Howard asked if he's bummed when he sees an old bag on a flight. Paul said he does get bummed. He said they all get put in the same hotel. He said some of them are pretty open.
Paul said when he was really young he was with a flight attendant who was close to 50. He said she was hot and had some big tits. He said she just took him right to a room instead of wasting time going to the bar. He said she was just a whore.
Howard asked if she was good in bed. Paul said she was. He said she was seasoned. Paul said she was showing him things that he hadn't experienced before. He said he thinks her to this day. Howard asked if he's got a big penis. Paul said he's okay. He said he has a big one. He said his dad gave him the gift that keeps on giving.
Howard said his dad had a nice sized dick. He said he got his grandpa's dick. Paul said he doesn't believe it's that small. Howard said it really is.
Howard asked if Paul gave the 50 year old anal. Paul said he doesn't think so. He said he had a bad experience once. He said he got shit on his dick and he ended up going to the bathroom and puking so it turned him off.
Howard asked if Memet is learning anything from this. Memet said it sounds like he's having a good time. He asked Paul if he has ever hooked up with a 19 year old. Paul said he has. He said Robin is off when she says that it's hurting the girls. Memet said that he's not hurting anyone by being with them. Howard said he found his mentor.
Howard asked if Paul has lied about this age. Paul said he has. He said he's learning to accept it. Memet said that he can pull off 28. Ronnie said Paul said he's in a relationship. Paul said he's engaged and he's not fucking around with anyone anymore. Howard said he just masturbated with condoms on.
Howard let Paul go and took a call from a guy saying he was Memet's dad. that guy said that he gave Memet the gift that keeps on giving... an acorn dick that cums in 3 seconds.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was calling to tell Memet about a similar thing he had when he was single. He said it made him partial to being in a relationship. He said to inspect the girls he'd go down on them and go down and explore for a rash or bumps or odor. He said if you're a woman you should do the same to a guy.
Howard said some diseases are undetectable. The caller said that it's worked for him for 25 years. Howard let that guy go and thanked Memet for his honesty. Fred played the Mr. Softee song again. Ronnie said Memet got hammered on Twitter yesterday. Memet didn't look. He said he saw enough. Howard told him to keep being gross. Memet said he's going into hiding so you won't see him.
Howard asked if Memet is going to watch the Super Bowl. Memet said that he doesn't care about that. He said he used to like the commercials but they suck now. Ronnie asked what made him so negative. Memet said he's not. Ronnie said he is.
Howard said he was up at 3 in the morning. He said he ended up watching TV. He had to catch up on a bunch of shows.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Fred is a genius with the Mr. Softee song. Fred said that's Memet's theme song now. The caller asked if Memet knows that if he's caught with a 19 year old that he can get into trouble. Memet said he's not the one serving her. Ronnie said he's going to get into trouble. He said they'll both get in trouble and get the bar closed down too. The caller said he's going down for it if he's caught. Memet said that it was a strange situation. The caller told Memet to grow up. He said he'd like to have a 19 year old too but he's not going to do that. Memet said it's just a beer. Ronnie said it's illegal. Fred played audio of Steve Langford saying ''It's against the law.''
Howard said he had to wrap this up and take a break. He wished Memet luck with his celibacy. Howard said he's on a dick break. Fred played Mr. Softee again. Ronnie said this stuff just doesn't sink in with Memet. Howard said he's touching the head of his cock right now. He asked if Memet is going to do that. Memet said he hasn't jerked off.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Memet has really redeemed himself. He said he knocked it out of the park. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said Ralph has never had an STD and he goes in there without a rubber. Ralph said they're not fun. Howard said Ralph and Memet are the same. Ralph said that he pulls out and he likes that. He said he likes to see where it all goes. Howard said Ralph will just have the girl get an abortion if he knocks her up. Ralph said he likes pulling out. He said he's had girls who were on the pill too.
Ralph said he liked that movie Sully. He said that it was really good. Robin said she liked it too. Robin said it was about what happened after the landing and going over if he really needed to land it in the river. Ralph said it's really good. Howard said he's too busy with Supergirl, Arrow and Flash. Howard said he's not even into the shows and he's cursing it out all the time. Ralph said Gotham has too many villains. He said he wishes they'd pull it back a bit.
Howard asked Ralph who he thinks will win the Super Bowl. Ralph said he thinks the Patriots will win but it should be a good game. He said he's not betting on it. Howard asked who has the best uniform. Ralph said that the Patriots have a classic one but the Steelers have the best of them all.
Howard said former President Obama is calling from the airport. Howard took the call from Fake Obama who said he's been stuck at the airport for 5 days. He said he hasn't eaten anything but Cinnebon and Auntie Anne's. He had a TSA agent checking his ass for contraband. He ended up getting tasered. Howard said a lot of people did think he was secret Muslim.
Howard said his is a Neumann microphone. Gary said Robin's is a Shure. Howard said his is a TLM103 and he used to us a different one at K-Rock. Gary said that's like a $4,000 microphone. He said K-Rock gave him one as a going away present. Howard said that wasn't enough of a gift after 20 years being there. Robin said that she wanted to shoot them over that. Howard said Mel used to give him really cool gifts when he was running the company. He said he had a Leroy Nieman painting and things like that.
Howard asked where his gift microphone was. He didn't know. Fred said the one he's using now is a $1000 microphone. Howard said they should get a big Neumann. He said he wants to waste some money. Gary said that it's not about cheapness. He said it was about not getting in his face for TV. Howard said he's upset about that now.
Gary came in and said this is the older big one. He had that with him. It had a big case around it. Howard said that's the same size microphone as the one he has now. Howard said guys ask him questions about it and he has no idea what it is.
Howard said he has some phony phone call fun. He said this is so stupid but he laughed the whole time. Howard said on Game of Thrones they had the ''Shame'' clip and they called a store where they had a guy named Shane working. They just kept playing ''Shame'' over and over again. They kept the clip on the line even though all they were saying was ''Shame''' over and over.
Howard said that's so stupid but it gets him every time. Howard said next week they'll call a Rob and just keep saying Rob.
Howard said they called that Donna Corleone show with clips of JD giggling and that had about the same effect. Howard played that clip and they had JD mumbling and stuttering and then giggling. The host kept goofing on him repeating what he was doing. She eventually hung up. Howard said that JD was hitting it off with her. Howard said we all win from that.
Howard said that Snoop Dogg was asked to be a guest star at the NHL Skills Challenge. Howard said he played one of his tracks unedited there and the announcer had to apologize. Howard played a clip where Snoop played his song that was filled with the F-word and more. There were kids there and people weren't too happy about that. Howard said when the Zamboni came out they played Pussy Good Pussy Sweet. Then the announcer got on and apologized. Howard played a clip of him doing that. Howard said he likes when he does that in the announcer voice. Howard said it's one of the most insincere apologies. Gary said that's Kenny Albert who is Marv Albert's son. Howard said talk about a dynasty. Howard said he likes how they apologize for some curse words but guys knocking each other out is fine.
Howard goofed on that announcer voice and asked what's going on. He did an impression of Kenny doing his announcing and exaggerated the way he was saying some words. Howard said that's some announcing. Howard said all of the announcers do the same thing. Howard said he sounds just like his dad.
Howard said the other day they had Joe Buck on the show and his dad taught him to be an announcer. Howard said now Kenny Albert is an announcer. Howard said his dad didn't think he should be in radio. He said he was an engineer though. Howard said maybe he thought he wasn't qualified. Robin said he could have made him an engineer. Howard said that would have worked. He said he'd get yelled at the rest of his life.
Howard said talking about all of this ejaculation stuff they decided to go out on the street and ask ladies if they're disappointed or flattered when a guy cums so fast. Howard played some clips of Sal talking to women. Some women were saying they're disappointed. Howard said they asked the ladies if they have any advice for Howard. Howard played a clip and a woman said he needs to smoke some weed to slow himself down. She said people aren't looking at his face. They're looking at the money or a good dick.
Howard said he doesn't smoke weed but the last time he did there was some sex involved. He said it was like 15 years ago and Beth claims it was the best sex he gave her. Howard said he hasn't topped it in 16 years. Howard said he smoked weed back then but Beth claims that he stood out on the balcony all night and got bitten up by mosquitos. Howard said he doesn't even remember that. He said she claims he was a tiger in bed. He said maybe he smoked angel dust. Howard said she claims it was mind blowing. He said maybe he should smoke this.
Howard played another clip of Sal talking to women about the cumming too quickly. All of the women were saying disappointed except for one. The one woman said it's flattering because it's hot.
Howard said Gary went to Oldchella a while back. Howard said they had some older bands playing there. Howard ran down a list of the bands that were there. Howard played a clip of Gary talking to a guy about Bob Dylan and what he thought about that. The guy was talking about how lame Bob Dylan was because he had them take him off the screens they had up so people weren't able to see him performing. Howard said he doesn't get having a concert where you can't see the performer. Howard said you can't play in a place you can't be seen. Gary said there wasn't one disappointed person there. Howard said that guy was. Gary said that guy enjoyed the rest of the weekend.
Howard played another clip of Gary talking to a guy about what he thought of the concert. The guy was talking about how the tickets were like 6 grand. He asked Gary if he thought $125 for the shirt he was wearing was expensive and Gary said no. Howard said he sounds like he's fighting with the guy. Gary said the guy ended up calling him a monkey by the end of it. Howard played that part and then a song parody about Gary.
Howard played a clip of Gary talking to some Japanese women about the concert. They were barely able to speak any English. They said they spent 5 grand on tickets. Gary asked what their favorite band was. They liked the Rolling Stones. The sang ''Satisfaction'' to Gary. Howard said they're annoying. Howard said they're shot out of a cannon. Howard asked if they were old ladies. Gary said they were like 25 maybe. Howard asked if they were hot. Gary said they were okay looking. Howard said he wishes he was that happy. Howard said he doesn't get exited over anything like that.
Howard said that's Gary their roving reporter. Howard said he sees they're coming up on news time so he did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Howard said that Gary fell asleep again so they asked Evil Dave to sit in for him. Howard asked if Dave can sit in for him. Evil Dave said that Gary has already delegated 130 percent of his responsibilities. They had clips of Evil Dave saying a bunch of wacky stuff. Howard asked what's going on in there. Evil Dave said he has a rat trapped in his beard. Howard asked Dave to do a top 10 list. They played a clip of Dave doing a Top 10 Teen Anal DVDs that he found in Gary's drawer list. Howard said Dave is still great. Howard told Dave to hang out and interrupt if he needs to produce anything.
Robin started her news with a story about Art Garfunkel and how he can't imagine a world where he and Paul Simon get along. Howard said they hate each other. He said he read the unauthorized biography on Paul's life and they really don't like each other. Howard said according to the book it blamed Art because he didn't write the songs. Howard said that Art got into movies and stuff and Paul was sitting around writing songs so he eventually just said fuck you and got away from him. Howard said this was all in a book so he's not sure what Art's side is. Robin read more about what Art has been saying.
Howard had the top 5 songs that he ran down quickly. Howard said number 5 is Zayn and Taylor Swift with I Don't Wanna Live Forever. Number 4 is Machine Gun Kelly and Camila Cabello with Bad Things. Howard wondered what Zayn is. He wasn't sure of his background. He said he thinks Taylor Swift is hot. Howard said number 3 is Closer from The Chainsmokers featuring Halsey. Howard said he has Jesse Ventura singing that one. He played some of the real song and then fake Jesse singing it. He had a woman with vocal fry singing it too.
Howard said number 2 is Shape of You from Ed Sheeran. He said he has a ton of hits. Robin said he has a new album out. Howard said number 1 is Bad And Boujee from Migos Featuring Lil Uzi Vert. Howard said ''Lil Putz Vert.'' He corrected himself after that.
Robin congratulated some tennis players who won last weekend in the Australian Open. Robin said it was like they turned back the clock. She said that it was Venus and Serena Williams.
Evil Dave asked if they wanted to play ''Smell Dave's Finger.'' No one wanted to play. Dave said he has a hint about what it smells like. He said ''My asshole!''
Robin had more on the tennis games and went over who was in the finals and who won. Howard said he doesn't care about tennis. He asked if she has news on who on best hair. Robin kept going with the tennis story.
Robin said that Anthony Weiner could get up to 15 years in prison if the charges stick. Howard said he allegedly texted with a 15 year old. Howard asked how you know the person is 15. Robin said you should bail immediately if you think it's someone that young. Howard asked if he knew if she was 15. Robin said it doesn't matter to the law. Robin said it's illegal to text with a 15 year old. Howard asked if this could hurt his political career. Robin said she thinks it has. Robin said he could be hit with child porn charges. Robin said he's in some hot water. Evil Dave asked if Howard can send in an IT guy because he got his penis caught in his zipper. Howard asked what the hell is going on in there. Robin read more about what Weiner is accused of doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks Lady Gaga is going to go political during the half time show. Howard said no. The caller asked why celebrities have to do that so arrogantly and think they have more knowledge or are smarter than us. Howard said that has gone on through history and these people have a forum when they're on TV. Howard said that everyone has their beliefs and they voice them all the time but these people are doing it on TV. He said there really is no difference. The caller said some won't quit. Howard said they're passionate about it. The caller said Robin and Howard don't dedicated their show to that. Howard said that's because it would be boring.
Robin said that Amy Schumer is defending her cousin Chuck Schumer for shedding fake tears as Donald Trump said. Robin said Amy went online to defend him yesterday. Robin said she says he was sincere with his emotional conversation about the travel ban and what it means to him. Robin said she was very miffed at those tears being called crocodile tears. Howard did a live commercial read and took a break after that.
After the break they played Pearl Jam's ''Yellow Ledbetter.'' Howard came back and said he just had to go to the bathroom. He said he figured why hold it in. He blew his nose after that.
Howard asked if Dave is still there. Evil Dave said he just blew a snot rocket into Gary's peanut butter. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard said he has a picture of Benjy eating chili out of a can. He said he looks homeless. He said that it looks like dog food. He said he's eating it right out of the can. Fred said ''Holy Christ'' when he saw the picture. Howard asked why he wouldn't put it in a bowl and heat it up. Fred said, in his Benjy voice, he has to savor every bite.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the Super Bowl and refused to call it the big game. Robin said the New England Patriots are up against the Atlanta Falcons this weekend in the game. Robin said that the commercials are costing about $6 million for 30 seconds. Evil Dave did a racist knock, knock joke with Howard after that. Robin read more about the Super Bowl and what they can expect to see. Robin had some audio clips to play but Howard said he really doesn't care. He said he will watch but he doesn't care that much. Robin had some news on Tom Brady and Howard said he should hate the guy but he thinks he likes him. They spent a little more time talking about that. Howard said he has better hair than Tom does. Howard said he has all of his trophies lined up in the studio now. Evil Dave interrupted and said his beard hair and pubic hair got tangled up again. He asked Howard to send in someone with scissors. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a woman who was made fun of for wearing a Hijab. Robin said it's world Hijab day today so she wanted to play that clip. Evil Dave said he doesn't want to hear where Robin traveled unless she's got a story about diarrhea or something like that.
Robin said that therapy pets are being walked all over the place. Robin said that they're not just dogs. Howard said he has 74 therapy pets if anyone wants them. Robin said Wilbur the Pig has been given a reprieve. Robin said that this woman is allowed to keep the pig in her home for a while. Howard said these animals are great for therapy. He said he knows a guy who got a turkey.
Robin asked Howard if he knows where he's going to be interred when he passes. Howard said his parents know but he hasn't planned his out yet. He said he thinks he wants to be buried above ground though. He said he wants to be able to get out of the box. Howard said he has a fear that he'll be stuck and won't be able to get out. Howard said he has to get on that. He said he should put it on his to-do list. Robin read about how Judy Garland had a mausoleum plot and the family ended up moving her. Howard said that's because some guy bought the one next to her. Robin said now that guy is upset because he bought it because he knew he'd be next to Judy Garland. Howard said he might have his ashes shot out of a cannon by Johnny Depp. Robin said she doesn't care where she ends up when she's dead. Robin said she doesn't care if her ashes are dumped into a garbage can. Howard asked if Robin will shoot him out of a cannon. Robin said she would. Howard said he's going to create something here. He asked if it would bather her if he pours her ashes into Richard's asshole. Robin said she doesn't care. Howard said Richard is up for it too. Robin said make it a special. Howard said he'll do that. He said hopefully he goes before Robin said he doesn't have to do it. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about veterinarians that put a pacemaker into a ferret. Robin said the ferret was acting under the weather and the owner took it to a specialist at a university and they were able to give it a pacemaker. Robin said it should last about 10 years so the ferret should be able to enjoy a normal lifespan.
Robin read a story about the Mormons taking a closer look at the Boy Scouts allowing transgender boys into the club. Robin read details about what they're looking at.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who wished Howard a happy weekend. Howard said you too and let Jeff go. Howard said that was worthwhile. That's what he came up with after being on hold for 7 hours.
Robin read about a California representative who is backing Donald Trump's travel ban from seven countries. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about that. Robin read a story about how there are people suing over that executive order. Howard said Sal was fearing being deported. Robin said that some stocks were tumbling over the ban too.
Robin read a story about a man who gave his wife a kidney for their anniversary. Robin said his wife was down to 1 when he gave it to her. Robin said they celebrated their anniversary the next day. Howard said he's glad none of his family need a kidney. He's not giving one up. Howard did a live commercial read after that. He said any of his family that needs a kidney will get one from Gary. He said Gary is one big organ farm.
Robin read a story about President Trump's Supreme Court nominee. Robin said some people are saying that the way he presented it on TV harkens back to his days on The Apprentice. Robin said some people thought that he was going to announce it on TV as a surprise to the nominee. Robin said he picked Neil Gorsuch. Robin said he'd be the youngest one in the Supreme Court. Robin said that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 84.
Robin read a story about today being Black History Month. Robin said it began as Negro History Week in 1926. Howard said he thinks that this month was picked to short the black man out of 2 days. Robin read about the history of Black History Month. Howard said it used to be black history minute back in the slave days.
Robin read about how the widow of the night club shooter from Orlando will be asking for a bond this week. Robin said authorities think she knew about the attack her husband was going to carry out.
Robin read a story about Kellyanne Conway not going on CNN anymore because they don't promote the president's agenda. Robin said that's just wrong because that's not their job.
Robin read a story about a missile launch that Iran did over the weekend. Robin had some details about that. She wrapped up her news after that. Howard said goodbye to Evil Dave who was making noises like he was having sex with Gary back there. Howard ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:10am.
Here's what they played on today's replay show:
Today's show was over around 10:55am.
Here's what they played on today's replay show:
Today's show was over around 11:00am.