Howard started the show singing ''Hey now'' along with his opening theme song. Howard didn't know the lyrics to his own song. Howard said it's about as clear as Leon Spinks. Howard played a Leon Spinks clip announcing who is on the show today. It was unintelligible. Howard said there you have it. Now you know who is on the show. Robin said she can't wait to talk to whoever that was. Howard said it's Norm Macdonald. Howard played a clip of Marfan Mike announcing Norm so it was a bit clearer.
Howard asked why some Irish guys are Macdonald and some are McDonald. Robin said some are Mac and some are Mc. Gary said Will just told him Mac is sometimes Scottish and Mc is Irish.
Howard said he thought Jimmy Kimmel did a very good job with the Emmys last night. Howard said he wished him good luck over the weekend. He said it has to be nerve racking to do that. Howard said he knows he was working on that monologue forever. Howard said Jimmy sent it to him and he thought it was funny as hell. He said he liked the masturbation joke about Game of Thrones. He said he told Jimmy he liked that and that's all he contributed to it. Howard said he bets the show did well. He watched it. Robin said she didn't get home to see the beginning. She figured she would watch it later but she probably won't. Robin said she thought he was out of line with the statements after the In Memorium. She said he said it was a very good one and that they can do better next year if they really work at it next year. Robin said that means more big name people will die. Robin said it was right after they played it. Howard said he thinks it's a funny line.
Howard said Jimmy gave out the biggest ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' ever. Howard said Sarah Silverman did a Baba Booey but Jimmy did the big one on the Emmys. Howard said Sarah was great but this was big too. Howard played a clip of Jimmy getting in the line toward the end of the show. Howard said the odd thing is that Jon Hein thanked Jimmy for it over Twitter. Howard said Jon has an explanation for that.
Howard said Jon feels when Jimmy did it he meant it well but when Jason does it he means to make fun of him. Howard said Jon still doesn't like it. Jon came in and said it is the intent that matters. He said Jimmy meant it in a nice way and Jason doesn't. Howard said he thinks Jon basically hates Jason. He said Jon hates Jason. He said they should go on record with that. Jon said he hates this part of Jason's personality. He said he doesn't like this side of him but there are other sides he does like. Howard said he knows he doesn't like that he started it. Jon said Nik actually started it. He said Jason took it and ran with it. Howard said Jason made it what it is today.
Howard asked Jason about that. Jason said he woke up to it this morning and he loves it. He said he read articles about it and saw clips. Jason said one of the reasons it became so big is because Jon hates it so much. He said that's what made it fun. Howard read an article about the shout out where they explained it. Howard read about how they came up with the phrase and how it was used to annoy Jon.
Jason said he likes how Jon isn't going off on Nik about this. He said Jon sends him texts and things and they're off the chart. Jon said he'll thank Nik for it when Jason brings it up. Howard said he thinks Jon takes some delight in saying Nik came up with it. Jon said Jason took it and ran with it. Jason said that Jon did the same thing with ''Jump the Shark.'' He said he developed it with some other guy and Jon has gone on to write 4 books. Jon said this is the part of Jason he doesn't like.
Howard played a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody where they play a bunch of different shout outs. Howard said Jon's calm is almost scary in a way. Robin said it's serial killer calm. Howard said he's like the calm serial killer. Jon said he wouldn't say that. Jason said he was standing behind him this morning and he could feel his anger as he was listening to some of the clips this morning.
Howard said it's a big deal that Jimmy did what he did. Howard said that was quite a wink. Jon said he was falling asleep when it happened. He said he heard it and he was like ''What!?'' Jason said a week ago Jon said if he could make it disappear by snapping his fingers he would.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jon is a star fucker and a hypocrite. Howard said Jon said ''I speak your name'' after all of this controversy. The caller said he did a shout out himself that JD didn't want to play. He asked if that would have taken off if JD hadn't gotten the clip to Howard. Howard said maybe not. Jason said he got that clip back as a rejected clip. The caller said if JD had his way this never would have happened. Howard said it's a good point. JD said it was one douche bag in Detroit saying it. He said Jason was making it out to be the next Baba Booey and it wasn't. Jason said he just wanted Howard to hear it. JD said it was a fan saying it in Detroit. He said it didn't seem worthy. Howard said why not admit that he tried to bury it. He said they recorded a bit and JD refused to say ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' JD said it wasn't a phenomenon at the time. He said it was just one guy. He said he doesn't prefer to say the line.
JD said Jason is jealous of Jon and this is one way to stick it to Jon. Jason said that this broke through into the radio without help from JD. He said JD didn't even give him the clip. He said he went over his head and Howard played it. Jason said that he could have thrown it out. Jason said JD won't even say the phrase. JD said he'll take the brunt of the whole thing. Howard asked if he'll say it right now. JD said no. Jason said JD is afraid of Jon. JD said it's both love and being afraid of him. Jon said to this asshole on the phone who said he's a star fucker. He said he wrote to Jimmy because he was saying thanks. He said it's about the intent and he thinks his intent was cool. Howard said half the fun is saying it to annoy Jon. Jason said half of the Baba Booey stuff is to annoy Gary.
Gary said Jon and Jason used to do the fast food show together and Jon didn't include Jason in the TV show audition. Jason said that did annoy him. He said that he and Jon developed the radio show together and then Jon went to do the TV show audition on his own. He said it would have been nice but he told him after the fact. Jason said he thinks Jon took the shot at something that fit in both of their wheel houses and he ran with it. He said that's fine. Howard asked if Jason thinks he should have kept the band together. Jason said it would have been nice if he had let him know. He said Jon went off and did it on his own. Jon gave him a ''Wah!'' Jason said he was hit with the Hein big time with that. Jon said he told Jason about it. Jason said it was after the audition. Jon said they were only hiring one person. Howard said it's like Captain and Tenile were doing something together and just one of them got another gig alone.
Howard asked Jason if he thinks that Jon is qualified to be a fast food expert. Jason said no. He said he doesn't eat the burger that's served. He said he doesn't put the toppings on the burgers they make. He said he gets a plain burger and a plain bun. Howard asked Jon if it's legitimate that he does that. Jon said he thinks it's a generalization. Jon said Jason should get a TV show or a book. Howard said they both look over qualified for the job. Fred played an elephant sound clip.
Jason said he can tell you what a Big Mac tastes like but Jon can't. Howard asked if it bothers Jon that he says that. Jon said he's not sure why he says that. Jason said you can't go in a book and say a burger tastes a certain way if you haven't tasted it. Jon said he doesn't do that. He said he wrote about how he likes his burgers and did taste some stuff for the book.
Jason said that the In and Out burger has a sauce that they put on it but Jon doesn't eat it. Jon said he has tried it. Jason said he doesn't think Jon is qualified for the food tasting because he doesn't eat the menu.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jon can't take a joke. He said he has really thin skin. Howard said he can take the joke. Jon said he is giving an honest reaction. Jason said even Jon's wife said she doesn't get it because it's a fun thing. Howard said Jon gets up to go do his other gig and he looks like he shouldn't be going to do a TV show. Howard said he kind of sloths off and then Jason hits him with ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' He said meanwhile he's succeeding. Jason said the level of anger is ridiculous. He said Sal would go on the air and say that Jon is a pedophile every day on the Wrap Up Show and Jon didn't get upset about that. Howard said there is no thin skin on Jon at all. He said Jon's just not going to laugh about it. Jon said Jason is being an asshole about it. Jon said the second Jason saw it bothered him he was dead. He said he could have blown it off but he didn't do that. Howard said he should have said they could make a bumper sticker for it. Howard said he should have started singing his own song parodies.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jon wanted to go behind Jason's back and that's unacceptable. Jon asked how he screwed him over. Jon said he told Jason the day he did it. He said Jason could have gone to the audition. Jason said Jon told him that he wasn't sure if it was still open or not. He said he remembers it to this day. The caller said he should have given him a heads up. Jon said they weren't looking for dual people. He said it was an open casting call. Jason said that he understands why he did it and it's not something you do to a friend. Robin asked why he didn't try shopping the show with Jon. Jason said maybe they did. Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody. Howard said their fast food show was a joke anyway. He wanted them to go on and yell at each other for an hour. Howard said they missed out on being on a TV network that no one saw.
Howard played another song parody. Robin said you do have to say that Jason does the best ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said he does. Howard played Jimmy doing his on the Emmys last night. He played another song parody too.
Howard said they're both big successes. Howard said this phrase is big just like their asses. Howard said he has Ralph on the phone too. Robin said he used to be part of their show.
Howard put Ralph on and Ralph said he thinks Jason and Jon were good together. He said Jon didn't do right by going out on his own. He said Jason eats everything. He said it was interesting because Jon didn't put everything on it. Ralph said Jon could have gone in and said he wanted to do it with Jason. Howard said they did the show. Jon said they did 10 episodes and it still airs internationally. Ralph said he didn't know that. He said Jon really is a horrible person. Howard said you'd think they would have come to him to get it on TV. Howard said they fucked up. Jason said he has a bunch of TV ideas. He asked if he can bring them to him. Howard told him not to bother him. Howard asked what channel Jon was on. Jon said it was Destination America. Howard said maybe Jason can go to them.
Howard thanked Ralph and said he's a big iPhone 7 guy. Howard said he's sending him photos and videos all the time. Ralph said the camera is great. He said the least bit of light illuminates everything. He said it's a great camera. Howard said he sent him a text saying he was unboxing his iPhone. Howard asked if he's using the new headphones. Ralph said not yet. He said there's a wire for an adapter. He said the idea is that all headphones will have that plug in it. Howard said the idea is to use Bluetooth. Ralph said you have a choice. Howard told him to get off his phone.
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody and said he didn't see the People Vs. OJ series but they won a lot of Emmys. Howard said that everyone says he has to see that and the documentary. Howard said he didn't watch either. Howard said he saw the Khaleesi did a bit with Jimmy. Howard said Claire Danes was the most tan ever. Howard said she looked good. Howard said Louie Anderson got very heavy. He said they had to help him on stage. Howard said he likes Louie. He said he won an Emmy though. Howard said he won for playing a woman.
Howard said Kate McKinnon won for Saturday Night Live. Howard said she looks pretty good. Howard said she's much more attractive when she's not playing Hillary Clinton. Howard said the dresses on the Emmys seem to be showing titty even if they don't have huge tits. Howard said he can't complain about the size of a woman's tits if he has a small dick.
Howard said Julia Louis Dreyfus talked about how her dad died on Friday. Howard said people thought Richard Dreyfus had died but he's not her father. Howard said Julia's dad was some billionaire guy. Howard said she must have gotten a lot of money for that.
Howard said Jeffrey Tambour won an Emmy. Howard said he identifies as Cisgender. Howard played a clip of Tambour talking about how there is no ''best'' actor. He was asking for Transgender people to get more work. He said he wouldn't be unhappy to be the last Cisgender to play a transgender. Howard said it means that you're a guy who identifies as a guy. Howard said that Robin is one because she's a woman who identifies as a woman. Howard said that's what they mean. Robin said she's never seen that before. Robin read about it and said she's never heard that term before. Howard said he hadn't weather. Howard said he's a Cisgender too.
Howard said Sarah Paulson won an Emmy for playing Marcia Clark. Howard said she thanked a lesbian lover at the Emmys. Howard said she is very attractive. Howard said her whole tit was almost hanging out there last night. Howard said he thinks she's Cisgender.
Howard said the highlight was Jimmy yelling out ''Hit 'em with the Hein!'' Howard played another song parody about the phrase. Howard said Sarah Paulson plays Marcia Clark but she's not sure what else she's in. Robin said she's in American Horror Story. Howard said he was thinking about how hot she must be with her lesbian lover. Fred looked up Holland Taylor and she's 73 years old. Howard said that's old. Fred said Sarah is 41 and her lover is 73. Howard said he'd like to see a show about that.
Howard said they have a big show coming up today with Norm Macdonald. Howard said he wrote a book so they have a lot to talk about.
Howard said h heard from Jackie and he said he's not sure where he stands with him. Howard said he hired the guy. He said he's not sure why he doesn't know where he stands with him. Howard said he wrote him back and said he considers him a friend. Howard said he complained that they never get together for dinner. Howard said he doesn't go for dinners. Robin said he hears he did. Howard said he goes with people who work with him. He said if he had 5 free minutes that's what he'd do. Howard said he would like to have dinner with his co-workers. Howard said Jackie is still a friend though. He said he hasn't gone to dinner with Steve Nowicki or Human Newman yet. Benjy asked if Howard considers them as friends at work. Howard said he does. He said he would consider everyone at work a friend. Howard said he eats with Benjy every day. He said he looks over and sees him eating all the time. Howard said he and Fred have been working together for over 30 years and they're friends but they don't get together socially. Howard said Robin is a dear friend but they don't get together for dinner. He said he doesn't have time for that. Benjy said he gets it.
Howard said he took Ralph out to dinner the other night. He said it was Ralph and Ross. He said Beth was out of town so they went out. Howard said he doesn't hate Jackie. He said things didn't work out so their time is over. Howard said when they run into each other he'll say hi and ask what's up. Howard said he's not sure why Jackie is like that. Howard said he's still friend with the guy even though they haven't worked together for 15 years or so. Howard said there are some people he won't say a word to but Jackie isn't one of them.
Howard said Jackie must be busy as hell so he's not sure how he has time for dinner. Howard said he was going to ask him that. Howard asked if Robin has had dinner with Jackie. Robin said she did in the last year or so. Howard asked if Fred has. Fred said he hasn't in recent times. Howard said he likes Jackie. He said he had to take a break. He talked about how much food Benjy eats during the morning. He said it's a lot of food.
Howard asked Robin if she went out with Jackie to make amends. Robin said she was vicious with him at times. She said she has learned something about herself and she's making up with people. Howard asked who paid the bill. Robin said Jackie might have. Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Jackie the Joke Man impression. ''Jackie'' did some jokes like Jackie might do. Sour broke into his Artie impression too. He had Artie talking about working with Norm Macdonald. He got back into his Jackie impression and asked if Robin has the napkin he wrote jokes on. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he'd like to know what Robin said to Jackie when she made amends. Robin said she said just want she said to Howard.
Howard said this guy's name is Ahmad Khan Rahami. Howard said that they're asking anyone who sees him to call. Gary said he's still at large. Howard said it would be so great if they found him. Howard said if anyone spots him call him and he'll go get him. Howard said what a dick that guy is. Howard said he thought the darkest thoughts about that whole thing. He said he got upset that Bill Bratten is gone because he had a good handle on all of this. Robin said this is why terrorism works. Howard said that's right. He said he's in hiding right now.
Howard said he has a weird upsetting tape of Sal. He said he thought they were past this ''Stars of Satellite Radio'' kind of thing. Howard said he put a stop to the Ronnie's Block Party thing but now they have this ''Stars of Satellite Radio'' show out there. Howard said it's the block party but the guys are all together. Howard said they have to stop with the group thing. He said Shuli is capable of going out on his own. He said he's a real stand up. Howard said Sal put together this thing and it's cringe worthy. Howard said Sal got so drunk you know something is wrong in his life. Howard said he was like Sam Kinison without the jokes. Howard said Sal was so drunk he didn't recognize the voice.
Howard said the tickets were 30 bucks. Howard said both shows sold out. Howard said Sal started drinking after the first show. He was trashed by the second show. Howard said he was so trashed he wasn't able to stand up.
Howard played a clip of Sal slurring his words and he was barely able to get the words out. Howard said he heard Shuli was ready to punch Sal. Gary said Shuli knew Sal was drunk and he had to pad for him and then he shit all over him when he did that. Howard said he doesn't like these guys subjecting an audience to this kind of stuff. Howard said he has nothing to do with it but it reflects on him in some way.
Howard played another clip of Sal talking over some of the other guys. He was talking about floppy tits and a French fry girl. Howard said the guys were trying to wrestle the microphone from him. Howard asked where Sal is. He wants to talk to him.
Howard said he has a clip of Sal yelling about twat. Howard played that and Sal was yelling and barely able to speak. Howard said whoa. He said he is one fucking mess. Sal said he agrees. He said he's not proud. Howard asked him not to do these shows anymore. Sal said Howard is right. Howard said he has begged them not to do these shows but they still organize them.
Howard asked Sal how much he drank. Sal said he had 2 drinks on the way to the stage in the first show. He said he had vodka and pineapple juice. Then he got off the stage and he did more shots. He said it was one or two more. He said his wife told the bartender to serve him water. He said he takes medication and he took extra stuff to help with his shaking. He said he's never been in that state of mind before.
Howard said he has a clip of Sal talking about his mental illness. Howard played that and Sal said he suffers from pure OCD. He said he has things coming to his mind that make him unhappy. Sal said it's okay though. Howard asked if he's ever been diagnosed by a professional. Sal said no. Howard said he's diagnosed himself with it. Sal said he's right. Howard said he knows Sal. He said he suffers from pure mental retardation. Sal said he read a couple of books about it. He said he thinks things are going well and then he has a projected image in his head that makes it seem that things aren't going well. He said he might have a graphic image of his child being hurt or something like that. Howard asked if his mind commands him to do something. Sal said he tries to talk himself out of the image but it won't go away.
Howard asked if it has anything to do with him saying that he has OCD. Howard said he may have ''pure DOPE.'' Sal said he can't leave his car with an unfinished lyric in a song. He said that he can't use the top lid in a coffee cup. He has to use the second lid.
Howard asked Sal about the shakes and the Propanonal he takes. Sal said he has to take that. Howard said the guys say he had at least 4 shots that night. Sal said he fell down the stairs that night when he got home. He said his wife will kill him when she finds out. Sal said at 5 in the morning that was 6 or 7 hours after the show. He said he's not proud of that. Sal said he doesn't know how he can fall down the stairs.
Howard asked what's going on with the drinking. Sal said it's bad but he doesn't really drink anymore. Sal said he didn't drink at the last couple of Christmas parties.
Howard said Sal used to yell at Ronnie for not having any content years ago. Howard played a clip of Sal yelling at Ronnie for not preparing something for the block party shows. Howard said that's what Sal is doing now.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie being the voice of reason at the show. He was yelling at Sal for not being able to control himself for two shows. Sal said Ronnie was right.
Howard said this is their club act. Howard said in this clip Sal is so drunk he just wants to end the show. Howard said he informs the audience that they've been ripped off. Sal said it was time to take some pictures. Sal said this is an awful disaster and the jokes all suck. He said JD said 4 mumbling words and people got ripped off. Ronnie was yelling at him. Howard said Ronnie was the voice of reason again.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie telling Sal he has to calm down. He said he has to sit down and relax. Ronnie said they're all in control and Sal isn't.
Howard played another clip of Sal rambling about being able to hug and kiss and love. He told the person holding the microphone to shove it. He said that's case closed. Howard said Sal is awesome. Robin said he's the perfect drunk. Sal said not anymore.
Howard said Sal may have had a pot brownie too. Howard said he's sure that the people there are his fans. He said it's a bad reflection on him. Howard played a clip of a fan talking about how upset he was with Sal's behavior. The guy said Sal was a negative 10,000. Sal said there's one in every bunch. Sal said they had a great time. He said the first show was great. Howard asked where Shuli was in all of this. Sal said he doesn't know.
Howard said he's not sure what happened to Shuli. Shuli came in and said he's gotten over it. He said that he hasn't done a group show in years. He said he's been doing solo stuff. He said Sal asked him to mediate this Q and A thing. Howard asked why Sal was shitting on him. Shuli said he knew he was wasted. He said he has had to drag Sal off stage by his ankles in the past. He said he knew it was going to be a train wreck. He said as soon as he got on stage he was saying no one cares about him or his act. He said he was ready to punch him in the face. He said he knows the real Sal and he's not like that. Howard asked if he has such a miserable life that he has to get wasted. Shuli said it might just be getting out of the house and being able to celebrate.
Howard said that they're hearing ''Beaten Man Sal'' now. Shuli said Sal was about to swan dive into a table there and he catches him. Then he berates him.
Howard took a call from a woman who was at the show. She said she was in the front row and Sal told her to put her pussy lips next to the lettuce. Sal said he doesn't recall that. The caller, Helen, said she's not sure what that meant. She said that she's a big fan and all of the other guys were wonderful and she was really disappointed in Sal. She said she knows that he doesn't represent Howard but she was mortified. Howard said no more of these shows. Howard said he thought they were done with this bullshit. Shuli said he's doing solo shows and not doing this stuff. Howard said leave him out of this stuff. He said the stars of satellite radio can't handle themselves.
Howard asked what questions they ask Sal. He asked if they ask what the key is to a horrible marriage. Helen said she asked about Tan Mom. Howard said that leads to pussy lips and lettuce. Shuli said that was ''twat lips.'' Howard asked Sal where he was going with that. Sal said maybe she was freshening it up. Shuli said she was eating so he made the connection somehow. Howard said he loves that. Howard played a clip of Sal telling the woman to stick her twat lips in the salad and give it to him. Sal said he wanted cunt lips and salsa.
Shuli said Sal is funny when he does stand up. Howard said let him go do it then. He said he turns into a maniac when he's with the group. Howard said Ronnie's bit was getting JD to say the word ''cunt'' on stage. Howard said he's so proud of them. Robin asked why JD was there. Howard said JD went because they paid him. Howard said JD supposedly had an anxiety attack. JD said he just knew it was bad. He said people were asking Ronnie questions so he just sat there. Howard asked if Ronnie dragged out him to say ''cunt'' on stage. JD said he did and he didn't say it so Ronnie told him to just say it. He said when he did it the crowd cheered. Howard said Ronnie is a nut. He said he's probably insane.
Howard said he hired Ronnie because he was cheaper than anyone else. Howard said that's really the reason they hired him. Howard said he wishes he had the letter that he sent to him to get the job. He said the guy is fucking nuts. Sal said now he's his security.
Howard said he has to pull the tape of Ronnie yelling at JD to say the word. Howard said if he ever hears about them doing another show like this he's going to throw them all out. Howard said people say they still love him in spite of what Sal did. Howard said that's music to his ears.
Shuli said there are people who try to get Sal to bad mouth Gary but he wouldn't do it. Howard said he needs more tape. He asked if Ronnie was out there saying ''Let's fuck some whores!'' Shuli said he was. He said Ronnie wanted to make t-shirts with the phrase on it. Howard said he had to tell him not to do that. Howard said he had to do it diplomatically though.
Howard said Ronnie has a new routine where JD says ''snatch.'' Robin said they'll open with Cunt and close with Snatch. Howard said that you never saw Letterman's people do anything like this. Howard said give him a break. He said he's nice about it but no more shows. He said fuck Sal. Sal said he's with him. Howard said he's undermining him.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said they can't condemn these guys for doing that. He said he's the one who doesn't interfere with people making money. Howard said he's changed just like Robin has. He said no more shows. Howard made up a story about Paul Shaffer going out and telling a woman to put her pussy lips next to her salad.
Mark said he thinks Howard has to attend one of these shows. Howard said that would be condoning it. Howard said he won't be going.
Howard asked if Sal got that stuff for his shakes from a doctor. Sal said he did. He said he also takes supplements. Howard thanked them for fucking him over and embarrassing him again. Shuli said sorry boss. Howard said Shuli doesn't have to be a part of it. Howard let him go. Robin said they could do well if they sat down and thought it out. Howard said he doesn't want that. Howard said nothing good is coming out of this no matter what. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked where that David Lee Roth song was from. Fred said he thinks it was from the Cleveland Rally. Howard said he likes David but David is mad at him or some reason. Howard said he's not sure what he said. He said he's in there talking 4 hours a day and he's not sure what he said. Howard said he likes the guy. Robin asked if he has tried to reach out. Howard said no. He said he has no patience to do that. Howard said he loves Van Halen. He said he loves the band and Sammy too. Gary said they have reached out but he's history. Robin said he's personally hurt. Howard said he's sure he's guilty of something. He said people ask him if he knows what he said on the show and he doesn't even remember. Gary said you can't apologize for something you don't know you did. Howard said it could be that he likes Sammy too. Howard said he didn't bring him into Van Halen. Gary said he doesn't think that's it. Howard said he loves Dave. He just wants him to know that.
Howard said it might be worse to know what he did. Howard said they used to talk privately on the phone. Robin said she thinks back to David talking about how he and his father would bond over Howard. Howard said maybe he should email him and ask if they're still friends.
Howard said Norm Macdonald is there. He said he wrote a memoir and it's based on a true story. Howard said there's a lot of truth in the book ''Based on a True Story: A Memoir.''
Howard asked Norm not to shake his hand. He heard he's sick. Norm said a little alert came over his phone. Howard said he loves it when he's on the show. Howard said when he's feeling down he'll go on YouTube and watch his appearances on Conan and shows like that. Howard said he's a very good talk show guest.
Norm said the thing about talk shows is that he's been doing them for 20 years. He said 20 years ago they'd disappear forever. He said now they live on forever. Howard said that's true. Norm said if you bash someone it'll come back to haunt you too.
Norm said he used to talk about how great Cosby was. He said he and a friend were talking about Cosby and his friend said the worst part was the hypocrisy. Norm said he thought the raping was the worst part. Then the drugging and the hypocrisy wasn't even near the worst thing.
Howard said you have to admit that Bill is the funniest rapist in history. Norm said yeah. He said there was another rapist who went across the country. Benjy remembered that guy. Norm said his Vince Chant. He said they found him because he went city to city raping women. He said it was probably the worst gimmick a comedian ever had. Howard asked why he doesn't know about this. Howard said that guy is getting out of jail in 2033. Norm said that John Hinckley is out. Howard asked what he thinks about that. Howard said it makes him crazy when he hears about that. Howard said it must make people think they can do it too.
Howard gave Norm a plug for his book ''Based on a True Story: A Memoir'' and said he learned some things about him. He said his mother thought he was a well behaved kid in school. He wasn't the class clown. Norm said he couldn't afford the big shoes. Howard said he didn't have the red nose either. Howard said that was a great line so he can go now.
Howard asked Norm how he became the comedy guy. Norm said he knew the class clown was a hack. Howard said the great story is that he became a comic and he was working in L.A. and doing his carer. Howard said a Johnny Carson scout saw him and loved him. Howard said they called him up and asked if he would do the Tonight Show. Howard said they even booked him on a great night with Steve Martin and Elton John. Norm said that isn't a true story. He said it's based on a true story. Norm said that Johnny had announced his retirement. He said he was able to anoint comedians on the show. He said that doesn't happen anymore. Norm said that he wanted to be the last comedian to be anointed by Carson. He said that he had a scout come to see him. He said he knew he was in the crowd. He said one time he came out and said he didn't like him but he was really drunk. He said one time he saw the guy necking with a girl in the audience. Norm said he was told he was a ''Jay comic.'' Norm said he was a Johnny comic. Norm said that he knew Jay was taking over but he didn't want to be a Jay comic. He said that Johnny would watch at home and see him if he was on Jay. Norm said that was a lie.
Howard said Johnny wasn't at home watching the show. Norm said he was on a yacht with his wife Alexis. Norm said he went on with Jay and did his set and destroyed. He said that Jay said he did alright. He said Jay was always the greatest comic. He said that he never really gave it up for him personally. He said on air he would. He said off the air he wouldn't.
Howard asked if that was Jay's thing to do so he wouldn't get too full of himself. Howard asked if he's a gun slinger and does that kind of stuff. Norm said he doesn't give a fuck. Howard asked if he ever got to be on the Carson show. Norm said he met Carson in person but he was never on the show. Howard said Jay saying what he did is a very mean thing. Norm said it was a bit passive aggressive.
Norm said that he never thought Carson was all that funny. He said he was an old corny guy. He said he liked David Letterman. Howard said he wants to go back to Johnny. Norm said he was on Saturday Night Live and he has heard Howard talk about this. He said Larry King did a bullet point segment in USA Today. Howard said he's doing it on Twitter now. Norm said they did a parody of that on Saturday Night Live. He said they'd make up stuff like Larry would do in that column. Howard said there's no wit in that. Howard asked what that is. Norm said that it was one liners that weren't all that funny. Howard asked if doing Larry King was something he liked doing. Norm said he liked doing impressions. Howard said he didn't think he liked doing them. Norm said he can't act but he likes doing impressions.
Howard said acting is like doing impressions. Howard said Chevy Chase says that Norm is the only guy who got Weekend Update right. Norm said he loves to hear that. He said Chevy once told him to do 4 specials a year for NBC and they'll give him a million per special. Norm said that wasn't the old NBC so that wasn't going to happen. Howard said Norm was dismissed from Saturday Night Live and he thinks that Don Ohlmeyer didn't like him because he was friends with OJ Sampson and he was making jokes about OJ. Norm said he doesn't think that's the case. He said Don just didn't think he was funny. Norm said he was told by Jim Downey that he had to be careful doing the Weekend Update thing because it can ruin you for people. Norm said he was told he had to say something at the start of the news so he was going to say it was fake news. He said he thought about what a guy with Down Syndrome would say. He said that he would say it's fake news. He said afterward he would read articles about the fake news Jon Stewart was doing and things like that. Howard said that they took the news and did that with something Norm did. Howard said maybe that's what Norm should have done for HBO or something. He said fuck Don Ohlmeyer. Howard said Norm is so good at it and he has a point of view. Robin said Howard should have called him.
Norm said he went to see Howard the next morning. He said that he was very good to him. Howard said Rolling Stone had a funniest people on Saturday Night Live and Norm was number 147. Howard said he was funnier than that. Norm said he went to a party and they told him about that. He said that they had a British girl on the show for like 3 episodes and he didn't even beat her. Norm said they had a guy named George Coe on early on and he hoped he'd beaten him out but no. He said there were 3 people who never appeared on the show who beat him out.
Howard asked why Norm thinks that happened. Norm said it's just one guy. He said he wasn't upset by it. Norm said his nephew does things like that. He said he makes lists on the internet. He said it's all about hits. He said he did a list of ''10 Celebrities who went black and never went back.'' He said that was his best one.
Howard said that it's just some asshole deciding that he's not funny. Howard said that the brilliance of Norm was the News and the Jeopardy sketch. He said he should have been in the top 10 at least. Norm said he does a Quentin Tarantino impression. Howard asked him how he does that. Norm did the impression for him.
Howard said Norm got on Letterman and he really liked Letterman. Norm said that he really likes Dave, Howard and Saturday Night Live. He said that they're originals. He said they're the few originals in the world. He said he had a guy tell him he doesn't like Howard. He said that he told the guy that he's an original. He said Kinison was an original too. Howard said Norm used to work with Kinison back in the day. Norm said he would come to Canada to work and he was starting out and Sam brought him across the country. Howard asked if he got caught up in the drug thing with Sam. Norm said he didn't. He said that he did watch it going on though. Howard said if they didn't do drugs they could live for 1000 years. Norm said he had that scream thing he did and it was shocking to people. He said they were on an airplane once and Captain Johnson was saying something. Sam yelled out ''Oh no not Crash Johnson!'' Norm said he would walk the rooms in the clubs and he'd ask who was on a date or engaged. He said Sam would go up and do his scream when he'd tell them not to get married. He said Sam was telling people this stuff an inch from their face. He said that's brave.
Howard asked Norm about Kinison getting paid to clear the room and why they did that. Norm said he started with a guy named Mark Breslin who owns a lot of clubs in Canada. He said if Sam could make everyone walk out he'd give him a bonus. Norm said he saw Kinison do it twice. He said that's not easy to do. He said before people were told he was great they didn't know how great he was.
Howard said Norm has this book out. He said it's available tomorrow. Howard said it's a big day for him. Howard asked how long it took to write it. Norm said it was supposed to be a year but it took 4. He said he bit off more than he could chew. Norm said he has always tried to do his best. He said when someone asked him to do this book he thought it could be the best ever. He said the bar was pretty low. Norm said when you look at your life you wonder what you do in your life. He said he gets up and does 200 crunches... Howard asked if he really does. Norm said no, he eats Cap'n Crunch. Norm said he doesn't do much more than a cave man.
Norm said that you can't yell out fire in a theater but he wonders what you do if there's actually a fire.
Howard said Norm did a show at a hospital for the criminally insane. Norm said he was told he was just going to work in a hospital. He said there was no pay. He said he was just giving back. Howard said he goes to a hospital and then what. Norm said they had barbed wire and guards there. He said he wasn't sure they deserved a show. Norm said he thought they were going to be sick people. He said he wasn't thinking they were in better shape than he was but slaughtered their wives. Norm said the Gatlin brothers were there the week before. He said it was a beautiful room he worked in.
Norm said he got heckled before he even got on stage. He said he had one guy yell out ''Nice shoes faggot!'' He said he wrote about that in the book but he was told he can't use that word in the book. Howard asked what his shoes looked like. Norm said they were some faggot ass shoes. Howard asked if he won them over at that show. Norm said he'd like to say he did so he did.
Howard said Norm went on Star Search. Howard said he lost to a Liberian comic. Norm said he's not sure if he was or not. He said that guy won with 4 stars to his 3/4 of one star. Norm said he figured 3 of the judges gave him one star and one gave him zero stars. Norm said the better person wasn't always the winner on that show.
Howard said Dennis Miller passed Norm's name on to Ed McMahon. He said that he was the one who got him on Star Search. Norm said Dennis wasn't his friend he was just a generous guy. Norm said he believes in loyalty. He said no one is self made. He said everyone has help. He said Howard used to like Bob Grant. Howard said he used to listen to him with his father. Norm said Howard is as close to a self made guy as anyone in show business.
Howard said Norm met Rodney Dangerfield early on in his career. Howard said he was working at his craft and he learned from Rodney that success and money mean nothing. Howard said Rodney was miserable. Norm said Rodney's parents hated him. He said he didn't know that. Norm said he saw a roast of guys roasting Rodney one time and it was all young guys. He didn't have his contemporaries roasting him because he made it so far into his life. He said he didn't make it early on.
Norm said Rodney told him he was going into the hospital for a heart thing and a brain thing at the same time. He said if you have an operation like that it's a tough one. He said he asked how long he was going to be in and Rodney said he'd be okay. He said if it goes well he should be out in 5 or 6 days and if it goes badly he'll be out in 20 minutes. Rodney said he told him he takes too many liberties with the audience. Norm said with Rodney he talked funny, he acted funny and he looked funny. He put thought into all of his persona.
Howard asked Norm if he has put that thought into his act and if he's being himself or a character on stage. Norm said it's the same guy. He said he doesn't have a life outside of that. Howard asked what his interests are. Norm said Howard is into painting and photography and chess. Norm said he likes Backgammon and he was a gambler. Howard asked if he is now. Norm said not like he used to be. He said reading is his best interest now. He said he can read 12 hours a day if he has the time. He reads the classics. Norm said people will tell him to read something that was written last week but he'll wait until he knows it's a good book.
Howard asked Norm if he works really hard at his job or does it come easy. Norm said it comes pretty easy. Howard asked how he works. Norm said he still does stand up. He said he never stopped. Norm said he loves doing it. He doesn't love traveling though. He said he has a great idea and he'll work his way toward that idea and he just talks. He said he has enough confidence to do that until he gets to the funny part. He said he can't remember his jokes word for word. He said he has ideas that he just works through. They never come out the same way twice.
Norm said his goal is to talk to the audience and whatever they say he'll have a funny idea. He said he talks to the audience a lot now. He said if you go to a stand up show that's what they'll remember. He said if you don't then you can see that same act on YouTube.
Norm said he'll just talk to a person and it's such an odd situation for them they'll just say something crazy or odd. He said you just repeat what they say and everyone laughs. Howard said it's not that simple. Norm said it's repetition and you just do it all the time so it comes naturally.
Howard said he thinks he relates to that because he does that with the radio show. Norm asked if he enjoys it. Howard said not really because he'd rather be home.
Howard gave Norm a plug for his book. Norm said he was reading about the meaning of mediocre and he was wrong. He said he thought it just meant someone isn't that great. He said it's actually someone who is capable but they don't push for it. Howard said he thinks that's true. He said you have to have the drive to be great.
Howard said Letterman was very good to Norm. Howard said Norm moved to New York and he was at Catch a Rising Star and Bob Morton saw him. He said they put him on the Letterman show and Dave liked him. Norm said what he found was that if he had been at home he would have found it hilarious but he was the guy and it wasn't. He said if the other guest was Jeffrey Tambour was on he'd introduce him and say the real reason they were there was for Norm Macdonald. He said that made him nervous. He said Louie Anderson told him once that when you go on the Letterman show that everyone is in on the joke. He said they're all in on the joke and you're the joke. Howard said Norm went on and Dave would emphasize the ''Mac'' in his name. Howard said he was the last stand up to perform on Dave's show. Howard asked if they were friendly. Norm said he was invited to have dinner with him and so forth. He said that he'd be invited and he didn't know what he would do when it was his turn to talk.
Howard said he relates to what Norm is saying. Howard said Steve Martin invites him out and he's not sure how he's going to be interesting to the guy. Norm said he was at the Aspen comedy festival once and he hates those things. He said they're funny people trying to be funny. He said one of the funniest movies is a Quentin Tarantino movie. He said he never cries watching them.
Norm said he was invited to hang out with Steve Martin, Martin Short and Chevy Chase. He said that was great. Howard said Norm had a situation with Letterman. Howard said with the way Norm is he's not really overly emotional. Howard said on his final Letterman he said some heart felt things and he was moved to tears. Howard said he didn't know he felt that way about Letterman. He said he let down the comedy thing. Howard said that's tough. He said that he opened up who he is for real. Howard said it was moving. Norm said he didn't go out there with that plan. He said he wanted to say something but it wasn't that. He said it was more a stupid thing he had written. He said it sounded fake so he just talked.
Howard asked if Letterman talked to him after that. Norm said he whispered something in his ear but he didn't talk after the show. Howard asked if it was something special. Norm said it was. He said Bob Dylan was on the show the next night and those three days were very emotional for him. He said as much as Saturday Night Live holds memories for him that Letterman thing holds them too. He said that he felt so close to Dave. He said they talk about father figures and Dave was his father figure. Howard asked if he was close to his dad. Norm said he was but he's dead.
Howard said Dave said there may be people as funny as Norm but he doesn't know any funnier. Howard said that must have felt good. Norm said that can buckle your knees.
Norm said when he wrote the book he was asked for some pictures from his Saturday Night Live days and he realized he never took any. He said at the time it wasn't all that special or something. He said he never thought about taking pictures. Norm said that he was told to check his Wikipedia one time and someone had written that he was dead. He said it shakes you. Norm said it shakes you because you understand that it will be those words. He said it's just a matter of changing the tenses in the write up.
Howard said Adam Sandler told Jim Downey at Saturday Night Live to check out his set on Letterman and that got him an audition for Saturday Night Live. Norm said he had to fly out to do the audition and he asked if they were going to pay for the flight home because he knew he wouldn't make it. Norm said he's not a performer. He said stand up is the worst for someone to practice being a performer. He said back in the old days they had actors on shows. He said that the comedians weren't the actors.
Howard said Norm talks about his time at Saturday Night Live in his book. Norm asked if Howard ever shop lifted. Howard said he did as a kid and he vowed never to do it again after he stole a tie tack from Macy's. He said he vowed to never do it again and his friends got caught the next time they did it.
Norm said he had a friend who stole a candy bar so he stole a fountain pen. He said he was about 8 years old. He said he got home after his friend got beaten up and his mom and dad were sitting there. He said his dad asked if he did it and he said no. Norm said he told him he could prove he didn't do it and he'd ask the woman if he did it. He said they went back to the store and asked the lady and she said that she can't remember everything that happens so that's what he was looking for her to say. He said his dad believed him. Norm asked if he ever had his parents not believe him when he was telling the truth. Howard said he did. Howard said he remembers all of that so he's at therapy all the time over that.
Howard asked Norm about gambling and how he's lost everything. Norm said he's lost it all twice. He said he just goes to a diner to get a cup of coffee and you just drink it and you're clean. He said he knew he could make it back. Howard said he lost his entire net worth. Norm said yes. Howard said he has responsibilities though. Howard said he'd be petrified to do that. Norm said he's not sure he would. Howard said he would. Norm said he's not a psychiatrist but he thinks that maybe he views the money he makes as unearned money. He said that he worked for $3.65 and hour selling stuff and now he gets paid a lot to be Colonel Sanders and that's not earned money. Howard asked about playing Sanders and what happened to that. Norm said he loves KFC and there are some people who know he played him and wonder why he turned it down. Norm said he did it just because it was free money. He said that Darrell Hammond was doing it and he felt bad about doing it after he did it. Howard said that's big money too. Norm said he's never had an offer like that. Howard asked if Darrell had to hand the outfit over to him. Norm said it got a lot of press. He said it was in Ad Week magazine. Norm said they got a little buzz about it and they were going to change every 6 months. Norm said he just wanted them to keep him. Howard asked who is playing him now. Norm said it's George Hamilton. He said he plays extra crispy Colonel Sanders.
Howard asked if norm is still a gambler. Norm said he got saturated by it and it was like hitting boredom instead of hitting rock bottom. Norm said he likes reading now instead of gambling.
Howard said Norm says in his book that when he got to Saturday Night Live he was quite infatuated with Sarah Silverman. Norm said he was 30 and she was 21. He said she was a very young girl and very beautiful. Howard said he wasn't able to get a date with her but Dave Attell was. Howard said Dave was a writer on Saturday Night Live. Norm said that Sarah was an upcoming girl and Dave was the guy. He said he was just some punk. Howard asked if he asked her out. Norm said he did say he'd take her out to eat and she'd pay for none of it and he'd take her to bed later. Norm said he forgot that Sarah made the same money as he did on the show. He said minus the 30 percent that they took off for her being a girl.
Howard said Norm had to figure out which group of people at Saturday Night Live to go in with. He went in with the young guys like Sandler and Farley. Howard said they sent them off to a bonding weekend and Farley came running in naked into his room. Howard said it wasn't Sarah, it was Farley. Norm said he shoved baby tomatoes up his ass with salad dressing on his head. He said he was doing an impression of a salad. Norm said Chris was at this resort with him and tells him he has to tell him something. He said he told him that the character Pat on the show was actually a woman. He said he'd laugh so hard at stuff like that and Chris would keep doing it. He said everyone loved Chris on the show. He said that even the guy who thought the show was awful with Farley on it loved him when he met him. Norm said that he was amazed that he didn't get how funny he was. He said all he heard was laughter around him and he didn't think of himself being worthy.
Norm said that Chris' father was like 600 pounds and people would talk about him as they'd walk around. Howard said that was his sadness. Howard said Chris' physical humor was so great but he was getting so fat. He said he'd turn beet red when he was doing something. Norm said Chris would fall into tables on the show and he didn't know how he'd fall without putting his hands out. He said if you fall forward you break your fall with your arms. He said Chris didn't have that survival instinct. He said that's also why you know you're in trouble. He said he'd get bigger laughs than anyone. Howard said it did him in.
Norm said he considered Chris an angel. He said he would try to make anyone he met laugh. He said it turns out he had a second life in Madison Wisconsin where he went to soup kitchens and stuff to service the people of god. Howard asked if he believes in god. Norm said of course he does.
Howard said in the book he says he would go in every week and pitch the same sketch that would get rejected week after week. Howard asked if that was his way of saying fuck you to them. Norm said he thought it was the funniest sketch he had. He said it was a little long to explain. He said the first time he did it people laughed at how funny it was. He said he pitched it again and again. He said they were laughing that he was pitching the same thing week after week. Howard said you'd think they'd give in at some point. Norm said if he had another year maybe they would have. Norm said Howard looks good. Howard said he doesn't think he does. He said Norm looks good though.
Howard said Norm says in the book that he stole the Jeopardy bit where he plays Burt Reynolds. Howard said that was one of the most popular things he did. He said that Norm says he took it from Martin Short and SCTV. Norm said he remembers seeing the bit they did called Half Wits. He said that Alex Trebeck was even in the sketch. He said he loved the show and he waited until Martin Short was on the show to pitch the sketch. Norm said when Mr. Short did the show, and later became his friend, he said that Eugene Levy came up with the sketch. He said he asked to call Levy to ask if he could do it. He said Eugene gave him permission to do the sketch. Howard said SCTV was such a great show.
Norm said he did the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch because he wanted to do Burt Reynolds. He said he wanted to do the Burt from 1972 and they thought he wanted to do it as the current Burt. He said he met Burt which was amazing. Howard said he doesn't think he has a sense of humor. Norm said he is a very masculine guy and he likes to slap you around. He said he learned that the guy who plays banjo in Deliverance doesn't actually play banjo. He said that kid was found in town but he didn't play.
Norm said Burt told him about doing his own gags in movies and he insisted on doing a stunt himself. He said he did one where he had to go over the falls but the director didn't want him to do that. He said that Burt did it and hit his shoulder and head on rocks. Then his clothes were all ripped off and he wakes up in a hospital. He said the director tells him that he looked like a dummy falling over the falls.
Howard asked how he met him. Norm said he met him on the set of an Adam Sandler movie. He said he asked Adam to let him go in and meet him. He said Paul Newman was another idol of his. Howard asked if he races cares. Norm said he doesn't even drive a car. He said he walks around a lot. He said he has no desire to drive around. He said it's the most dangerous thing there is. Norm said he doesn't trust himself to learn to drive.
Howard said he thinks it's a way to keep yourself child like. Howard said you have to rely on others. Norm said he's on to something. Norm said he can get a lot more done without the tiny things that make up life. Robin asked about meetings. Norm said he doesn't have meetings. He said he had a fear of driving. Norm said he used to torture Al Franken telling him the facts about driving and how cars kill more people than sharks. He said Al would get upset and say of course they do because there are more cars.
Howard asked if it's true that Al got upset and quit because Norm got the Update slot. Norm said Al wanted that slot and he almost had it. He said Lorne wanted a guy and a girl to do it and he was going to turn it down and let Al do it with a lady. Norm said he got lucky because it was the first show of the season and Steve Martin was on. He said he was kind of cold back then. He said that Steve came in and interrupted a meeting with Lorne. He said Lorne was talking about what a woman could bring to the Update thing. He said Steve said he had to do an award show with a woman and it turned to shit so that helped his cause. Norm said that they brought up Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtain and the ''Jane you ignorant slut'' thing and that was it. He said there was nothing else. He said there was only Chevy, Dennis and him who did it right. Robin asked if he didn't like Seth. Norm said he loves Seth. Howard said Norm talked about some things that went on behind the scenes at the 40th anniversary party and Seth said he didn't think he should talk about it. Norm said he said those things should be secret. Norm said he was asked if he would do Seth Meyers show and he said he doesn't think he would have done something like that. He was just joking around.
Norm asked if Howard has done Jimmy Fallon's show. Howard said not yet. He said he did his show before he got the Tonight Show. Norm said he did almost only Letterman. He said that he was older than him but now Jimmy is so young. He said it's like looking at a little boy. Howard said that's a true observation. He said the guys who are on aren't the older guys. Howard said now he's the older guy watching the younger guy. Norm said Letterman left a crater. He said not only for TV but for popular culture. He said Howard and Letterman are the people who changed the way people talk, think and act. Howard thanked him for saying that. Norm said Howard could quit now because he's not sure if he could do anymore. Howard said he's right. He said he could spend the rest of his life doing things for cats.
Howard said when he went to NBC he and Letterman were starting around the same time. Howard said they were both in the building at the same time and Dave put him on his national show. Howard said they were really exciting times but also horrible times. Howard said it felt like something big was happening in entertainment. Norm said here are so many outlets and people in the business now.
Howard said Norm wanted to take over for Craig Ferguson. Norm said he felt at one point they had Carson and Letterman and that was it. He said now there are 5,000 Carsons and no Letterman. He said that the shows at 11:30 and 12:30 are the same shows. He said that he wanted to do a morning show originally. He said now they watch the MSNBC and things like that but he could be giving them the news. Howard said he's right about that.
Howard said Norm is good on Conan. Norm said he thinks Conan is the funniest guy now. He said the elder statesman is Carson Daly now. Howard said he forgot about his show. Norm said it's a different thing now in late night. He said Letterman was perfect with Howard. Howard said it was great fun being on Dave's show. Howard said he likes the guys in late night. He said he was asked if he wanted to play a game and he's not into that. Norm said it would be funny if he went on and played chess.
Howard said he loves norm. Norm started to call him John. He said he must be thinking of Carson. He said he's not sure why because he wasn't a huge fan. Howard said his mother didn't like Carson. He did his impression of his mother talking about Carson. He said she never did like the guy but rest in peace Johnny.
Norm said he was a judge on Last Comic Standing. He said he was a little uncomfortable with it. He said he'd go on the road and some guy would tell him he met him and told him he sucked on that show. Norm said he had no memory of it at all.
Norm said Carson's lawyer wrote a book about Carson. He asked if that worries Howard. Howard said he didn't think about that. He said he can't wait to read that book. Norm asked if that guy Dominic is still his lawyer. Howard said he was never his lawyer. Howard said of course he has a lawyer. He said he has to think about that Bombastic Bushkin guy. Norm said that guy wrote ''Johnny Carson: The Musical'' that he got a copy of. He said he'll have to send it to Howard.
Howard asked Norm if he has a lot of promotion coming up. Norm said he does. He asked if he wanted to hear a joke. Howard said of course. Norm told a joke he said he didn't write. Norm said it's about a little boy called Dirty Johnny. Norm said the teacher tells the class to tell a story and then the moral of the story. He says Sheila tells a story and he works at the hatchery and he took some eggs and put them in a basket. Norm said that the eggs broke because the earth was uneven on the way home. Sheila says the moral of the story is don't put all of your eggs in one basket. The teacher thinks it's working out just right. Norm says another classmate has a story about the hatchery. The girl's father had to count his chickens and he had 9 chickens and 5 eggs but he said he had 14 chickens even though the eggs hadn't hatched yet. Norm said they headed off to town and the land was uneven so the eggs broke. The moral of the story was don't count your chickens before they've hatched. Norm said that's exactly what the teacher was looking for. Then Dirty Johnny raises his hand with a story. Norm said the teacher doesn't want to hear Dirty Johnny say anything but she asks to hear the story. Johnny gets up and tells a story about his uncle who didn't work for the hatchery. He was in Viet Nam and he lives on disability checks. He said Johnny says he wasn't a popular man. He said his battalion left uncle Terry behind. They left him 3 bottles of Jack Daniels and some weaponry. He said that he downed the bottle of Jack and smashed it into the jungle. Then he walked and picked up the weapons and off he walked into the unknown. He came upon a village and from the village came people. He wondered if they were Charlie or not. Uncle Terry didn't know. He said he took another swig from the bottle and let loose. He let his gun sway back and forth. The bullets came. Then just as hay would fall for a farmer the people fell. Finally uncle Terry stood alone in the blood and guts. He only had himself. His hand brushed against his pants and he felt wetness. He had urinated himself in fear. Then upon closer inspection he noticed it was ejaculate. The shame was replaced by pride. The teacher wonders what the fuck this was. She asked Johnny what the moral of the story was. Johnny says the moral of the story is he knows one thing, don't fuck with Terry when he's had some drink in him. He said stay away from terry when he's had some drinks.
Howard asked if his dad told him that. Norm said he did. Howard said he has taught them the joy of laughter. Howard thanked him for that story. Howard said he's done it all today. Howard said it's 10:40 already. Howard said he wishes he could go back in time and see him in the pitch meetings at Saturday Night Live. Howard gave Norm some plugs and said that the book ''Based on a True Story: A Memoir'' is available in stores tomorrow. Norm said it's nominated for a Pulitzer prize and some other award. Howard said it's not even out yet. Norm said that's right. Howard said you can go to NormMacdonald.com for more information on his tour dates. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that. They played Sugar Ray performing ''Fly'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they went to break.
Robin started her news with a story about the bombing in New York City over the weekend and the suspect is a 28 year old New Jersey man. Robin had some audio of Mayor de Blasio talking about how they have to make people aware of who this man is. Robin said the NYPD and FBI are looking for Ahmad Khan Rahami. Robin had some audio of Hillary Clinton talking about him as well. Robin said a second bomb was found by a woman who almost didn't report finding the pressure cooker. Robin had some audio of that woman talking about finding the pressure cooker. Robin said the FBI has the bomb at their lab in Quantico.
Robin said a homeless man in New Jersey digging through garbage in a train station in Elizabeth, New Jersey found a bomb. Robin had audio of an official talking about that. Robin said they're not sure if there is a connection to the other devices. Robin read a story about a suspicious package being found at Rutgers as well.
Howard took a call from Balls who said it was great hearing Norm back in the studio. He mentioned the story that Norm told about the show he did at the hospital for criminally insane. Howard said he had to do some live appearances for radio stations. He said that he had to go to Canada because he was on in Detroit. Howard said it was Halloween night and he went to a punk club. Howard said he was supposed to introduce a band but people started throwing eggs at him. Howard said they'd just throw him out there and no one knew who he was. There was no point of him being there. He said he got smacked with eggs. He said he had to race the Doc of Rock once too. He said the Doc was really into racing. He said he had to put his foot down and not make appearances. He said even at NBC he wouldn't do that. Howard said he had to introduce the Rocky Horror Picture Show at a theater once. Howard said he had to get dressed up. Howard said it was horrible. Howard said no one was going to listen to the station after seeing him. Howard said it was W4 in Detroit. He said it was ridiculous. Howard said anyone who wants to go back and live their life is insane.
Robin read a story about how a police officer stopped the carnage in a mall in Minnesota. Robin said this guy in a security officer uniform started stabbing people. Robin said the off duty cop shot the guy and he kept getting up over and over until the kill shot got him. Howard said he's not an anti-second amendment guy. He said we need guys with guns to take down people like that.
Robin read about last night's Emmy Awards. Howard said he was nervous for Jimmy. He said he wanted him to do well because he's such a good friend. Howard said he did very well. Robin had some clips to play from the show. Howard said Ronnie won for being on Limitless. Howard played a fake clip from the Emmys announcing that Ronnie won and then Ronnie giving a short speech.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has heard about the Beatles documentary that Ron Howard directed. Howard said he heard about it and it's getting some buzz. Howard said he has Hulu but he's not sure how to get to it. Howard asked Robin how he can find it. She gave him some advice.
Robin read a story about Eddie Murphy doing the Jimmy Kimmel show and he did a Tracy Morgan impression. Robin had some audio. Howard said he gets frustrated with Eddie because he doesn't do it long enough. Howard played the clip and Eddie did the impression for a few seconds. Howard said the guy is so talented that you want him to just do more. Robin said he is saying he might do stand up again. Howard said he's always saying that.
Robin read a story about today being talk like a pirate day. Howard did his pirate voice and said he has on his eye patch right now. He said it's also known as giant asshole day.
Robin said Howard almost gave her nightmares last night. Robin said someone sent her a clip of the channel 9 show when he was playing Right Said Fred. Robin said he was so scary looking and acting. She didn't know they were doing horror. Robin said she didn't know it was Howard. Robin said then Corey Feldman came out singing ''What's Up with the Youth.'' Robin said she couldn't get that out of her head. Howard said they weren't able to get many guests back then. Howard said he had to do something to keep people watching during his performance. Howard said that was one of their highest rated shows. Howard asked why Robin is watching that. Robin said someone sent her the clip and she didn't know it looked like that. Howard said they don't make TV like that anymore. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
After the break, around 11:10am, Howard came right back. Robin asked if Howard thinks he needed 10,000 hours to be a great chess player. Howard said yes. Robin said a study says that's just not the case. Howard said Bobby Fisher had to do that. Robin said that intelligence is very important for that too. Howard said he needed the full 10,000 hours but if he was smart maybe only 5,000 hours would have worked. Robin read more about the study and Howard said that's why he gave it up. He said there were 12 year olds beating him.
Robin read a story about David Letterman returning to TV for the show ''Years of Living Dangerously.'' Robin said the show will be on at the end of October. Robin said Dave traveled to India and met with the Prime Minister to talk about switching over to solar power.
Howard said he was talking to his mother about what she watches on TV. He said she was telling him about a movie with some kind of bear. Howard did his impression of his mother telling him about the bear attacking some people. Howard said that's the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio in it. Howard said the movie is very long. He said she said it was going to be on two nights. Howard said they refuse to get technology so they can't just get it. He said maybe it's on network TV and they're trying to watch it with commercials. Howard said they're going to sit through the commercials too. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Paralympics being over but the U.S. came in fourth in the number of total medals. Robin said we were behind China, the U.K. and Ukraine. Robin said we have to step it up. Howard said in China they take their best athletes and chop their legs off to get them into those Paralympics. Howard said Robin is chastising people who are crippled.
Robin read a story about the NFL players and how they might have 50 percent of the players taking drugs. Robin said some players think it's much higher and might be as high as 80 percent. Howard said you have to do whatever to get through that game. Howard said the NFL has to stop acting like they're so high and mighty. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how that Ahmad guy was taken into custody in Linden, New Jersey. Robin said they say he should be considered armed and dangerous. Robin said people were alerted on their phones this morning. Howard said he got that alert. Robin said he is in custody in Linden today.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Gary impression and wished Howard a happy ''noine noineteen.'' He did some other Gary stuff before Howard said it's getting too late so he can't keep going with that.
Robin read a story about a couple who met because they both had Cystic Fibrosis and how the husband has died at the age of 25.
Robin read a story about the cousin of the Queen of England coming out as gay.
Robin read a story about the movie ''Sully'' being number 1 at the box office again this weekend. Howard said Robin was rough on Sully after that. She said he wasn't a hero at the time. Howard had Spoken Word Robin on the phone to talk about that. The guys in the back had Robin talking about Sully saying some really nasty things about Sully. Robin said the movie has made $70 million over the past 10 days. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started the show talking about Jeff the Drunk singing his opening theme song. Howard said nice job on that song. He took a call from Jeff and thanked him for that. Jeff said he got rid of his fucking lump. Howard said he had his operation yesterday and got rid of it. Jeff said he sent out a picture on Twitter. Howard asked if that's the lump on the back of his neck. Jeff said no. He said this one was on hit throat. Gary showed him the picture of the scar on his neck. Howard said he's a regular Brad Pitt now that it's gone. Howard asked what the lump was. Jeff said it was a cyst. Howard said he looks like Frankenstein. He said it looks like a big smiley face. Howard said it looks like you can unzip his head form his neck. He said he didn't think he could look more disgusting but he does. Jeff thanked him for that.
Howard said he has The Lump on the phone. Howard said he thought for sure he'd be gone but he's not. Jeff said he got rid of him you bitch. Howard said he must be the lump on his neck. The Lump said he's actually on his balls. He said no one wants to go down there. Howard said Jeff has a lump on his neck too. Jeff said he'll get that fucking removed too. The Lump said he looks like a Pez dispenser now with the scar.
Howard asked Jeff if they're going to check it for cancer. Jeff said he thinks so. He said he's going back in 10 days to get the stitches out. The Lump said they have to check him for every disease possible. Howard asked how he's supposed to clean it. Jeff said he gave him some ointment to take. Howard asked if Jeff is getting lazy in the middle of his sentences. Jeff said something else unintelligible. Jeff spelled something out that they didn't catch. Howard asked what he's spelling. Howard asked if he's talking about Bacitracin. Jeff said that's it. Howard said he spelled it wrong.
Howard asked what the chances are that the thing on his neck won't have any diseases at all. Robin said his whole body is a lump. Howard asked if they know why that lump formed. Jeff said they have no idea. The Lump said he has gained a throat pussy so look at it that way.
Howard asked if the scar will go away. Jeff said they say it will. Howard said Jeff had one of his lumps removed but there must be more because The Lump is on the phone. Howard said he'd like to know what that operation cost. He said god bless America because the people who work paid for that operation. Robin asked what he should do. She wondered if it was stoping him from doing something. Jeff said it was just a big pain in the ass. Howard said it stopped him from modeling. Howard said it was cosmetic surgery. Jeff said it was.
Howard said he'd love to sew it back on. Robin asked what doctor would give Jeff cosmetic surgery. Howard said it wasn't really bothering anything. He asked why Jeff cares about his beauty. Jeff said he noticed it. Howard said he thinks it's because of The Lump on the phone. Jeff said it grew to the size of a small cherry on his throat. Howard asked when he started caring about his appearance.
Howard wished Jeff luck and said he hopes the scar heals. Jeff said the 19th of next month. He said that's when they're having the thing. Howard didn't know what he was talking about. He said that's when Marfan Mike might get into the Wack Pack. Jeff said he'll make his decision when it comes. Howard said that's what he's supposed to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Richard would lick that scar for $1,000. Howard asked Richard to come in and tell them. Richard came in and said he would lick it once it heals up. Howard asked if he'll do it on the 19th. Richard said he will. Howard said he has to go. Jeff wished him a good day.
Howard said Richard's dad is a sweet man. Howard said he can't be that great if he raised Richard. Howard said Richard is an alcoholic. Howard asked if Richard is ever going to wipe that smile off his face. Richard said he's happy talking about beer.
Howard played a clip of Richard's dad talking about the bombing in the city and if he was anywhere near it. He said he wanted to make sure he wasn't near it. Howard said he is the greatest. Howard said he's an outdoorsman and New York is foreign to him. Howard said he thinks he'd ask why he didn't take out a gun to take care of these people. Howard said he'd like to know who is cooking with pressure cookers. Howard said they won't come up with any regulations for pressure cookers.
Howard said there's a guy who is a range instructor who blasted the guy with the knife out in Minnesota. Howard said that the guy took him down. Robin said they weren't all kill shots though. Howard said bullets can do weird things when they're shot. Howard said a kill shot is to the head. He said he must have given him one to the head. Richard said a hand gun is hard to aim and hit something with. He said you have to be pretty close. Howard said a range instructor wouldn't have a hard time with it.
Benjy asked why they don't take the head shot first. Howard said if you're in a crowded place you don't want to be shooting in the head. He said you want it to be in the body. Howard said his uncle took down a guy once. He said his uncle Bob was out when this guy was swinging a hatchet at people. He said his uncle told him to put it down and the guy kept going. He said he had a revolver and he shot the guy 5 times in the chest. Howard said he saved a lot of people.
Howard said now we blame things on Islamic terrorism. He said these loons who used to do it for shit's and giggles now do it as part of a movement. Howard said it's crazy. Robin said they always say they don't know the motive. She said that doesn't matter because it's not going to change things.
Richard said his dad was in Central Park and he saw squirrels and wanted to go hunting. He said he wished he had his gun there.
Howard played another clip of Richard's dad talking about ''them Royals'' and what they're up to with the team.
Howard said his mom used to cook stuff in a pressure cooker. He said it looked like a party thing. He said she'd put that stuff in there and it was disgusting. He said the meat and sauce was gross. Robin said cheap meat could be made tender in it. Howard said he was grossed out by it. He said he used to stick the meat up his nose to hide it. He said he has big nostrils so he was a good place to hide it. He said he just wanted desert. Howard said his mother made him eat that disgusting meat though. He said he once got an entire London Broil up his nose. Richard said he had a big piece of foam stuck up his nose once. He said it was the foam from a school bus seat.
Howard asked about the guy who shot the guy with the knife in Minnesota. Robin said she thinks he shot 10 times. Howard said now everyone is calling him a hero. Howard said that's the way it should be. Howard said Richard's dad has a farm and he has to have a gun out there. Howard said he can hit a squirrel in the head. He has to do it because he wants the meat. Howard said he doesn't want the bullets in the squirrel so he has to hit it in the head. Richard said his dad is a really good shot. He said he went out shooting with him and he was a really good shot. Howard said he'd better be if he's eating that way.
Richard said his dad can see quail hiding in a field from like a mile away. He said they'd drive around and find them half a mile away.
Robin read about the guy in Minnesota and how he shot the guy but he kept getting up. Robin said he got up 3 times. Robin said he finally got in a fatal shot. Howard said when some maniac is pumped up it can take six bullets to put him down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there's a thing called the fatal triangle that you learn about when you learn to shoot. He said they teach to shoot for the chest and not the head. He said they also learn to empty a magazine. He said if you shoot for the head your chances of missing are higher. He said it's called judicious marksmanship. The caller said it's difficult to place a shot with high accuracy. He said you aim big and miss small. Howard said it's actually aim small miss small.
Howard let the caller go and said this terrorism and these loons is so fucked up. Howard said how about the name of the guy in Jersey who planted like 10 of the bombs. Howard said 8 didn't go off but 2 did. Howard said the dad owns a restaurant and the place was called First American Fried Chicken. Howard said lets analyze that. Howard said he's never been there. He said any business that can stay open is amazing. He said it's hard to keep them going unless it's good food. Robin said the guy probably came up with the name of the restaurant a long time ago.
Howard said the dad claims he had no idea his son was so radicalized. Howard said they always say they don't know. Howard said if they noticed something different with their son after he came home from Afghanistan they should have said something.
Fred said the place had good ratings on Yelp. He said the neighbors weren't happy about it because they were open very late though. Howard said that guy in Minnesota was a hero for taking that guy down. Robin said the officers here were great too because the guy open fire. One cop took a bullet to his wrist or something. Howard said he'd like to know what kind of gun the cop used in Minnesota. Howard said he had to shoot like 6 times. He said he must have had a 9mm at least. Richard said he doesn't know much about handguns. He said he used a rifle or shotgun when he was growing up. Richard said they have the big guns at Penn Station. He said you behave around those.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she has shot a 38 revolver. She said it blows you away shooting that thing. Mariann said that the cops are so brave for going in and getting this guy. Howard said it's a very difficult job. Mariann said she lives in tremendous fear. She said she got the alert yesterday and it's a terrible society that they live in now. Mariann said Hillary Clinton seems very wishy washy on this stuff. Howard said everyone is looking for a magical potion for this. Robin said politicians say that this wouldn't have happened on their watch. Mariann said that there's more shit going down since 9/11. Howard had to hang up on her because she was yelling. Howard said he can't take it.
Robin said it's interesting because the woman noticed the pressure cooker on the street. Robin said they don't belong on the street, they belong on the stove. Howard said they don't belong anywhere. Howard said his mom was like a terrorist making him eat that shitty meat.
Richard said his grandparents used to go to a place to get old bread and it was like chewing through leather. Howard said people who went through the depression will eat anything. He said they'll save old stuff like cars and stuff too. Richard said they'd get Twinkies from an outlet and they were like bricks.
Robin said this guy Rahami has a 5 million dollar bail. She said they really want to make sure he doesn't get out. Howard said one of the things they can do now is find out if he's working with anyone else. Richard said they say he's not talking. He won't even say his own name. Howard said he'll talk. Richard said just get some of Sal's cock cheese near him and he'll talk.
Howard asked if someone fucked with his microphone. He said maybe it's because he's slumped over in his seat. Howard said someone said that Richard really smelled yesterday. Richard said Howard can smell him now. He said he worked out yesterday so he showered.
Will came in and said that Richard was really musky yesterday. Howard said he works out and doesn't brush his teeth for days. Richard said he brushes twice a day now. He said he used to wipe them with his shirt. Richard ran a half marathon on Sunday. Will said it was really bad yesterday. Richard said his wife likes his smell. Richard said this is the first time he's heard anything in a while. Howard said he heard Memet was complaining about him farting. Richard said he had a problem after eating some beef jerky the other day. He said Memet can fart if he wants to. Howard said he's just looking to get through the day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's thinking that Richard's dad is like Crocodile Dundee. Howard asked if he wanders around amazed by the buildings there. Richard said he does kind of. Richard said his dad is farmer strong so he can handle himself. He said he had hot dogs from 5 different carts one day and he got sick from it. He doesn't know better. He said he loved stopping at every one.
The caller told Howard that his grandfather went hunting one day during the depression and shot a cat thinking it was another animal. He said ammo was so expensive he didn't want to tell the family what it was so he waited until after they ate it. Howard said Shuli went to the Christy farm and had some quail and he bit into a piece of buck shot. Richard said he's broken teeth doing that.
Howard said Wendy the Slow Adult is upset about the dumpster bombing because she eats out of them. Howard played a clip of Wendy talking about how people eat out of dumpsters so we have to stop the bombings.
Howard said he went for a walk with Beth the other day in Central Park and there was a rat walking under the over pass. He said it's so creepy. Richard said he thinks they're cute. Richard said he let a rat walk by on the subway. He said he stopped and let it walk by. Howard asked if his dad would eat a rat. Richard said if he had to he might.
Howard said Wendy even sang about the dumpster. Howard played a song she had recorded about eating out of the dumpster.
Howard said they got a call from Wendy the other day. She was home alone and drunk. Howard said she's such a presence. Howard played the clip where Shuli was talking to her about eating a big plate of pasta and she was drunk. She had some wine coolers. Wendy said she was home in her room and enjoying her peaceful day. Shuli asked what she's doing. Howard said she sounds less retarded when she's drunk. Richard said he loved when she was hitting on Memet in their office. Howard asked how she gets alcohol. Richard said she's of age. Howard said he thinks people should be checked to see if they're retarded or not. Howard said they need a quick IQ test to see if they're retarded.
Howard said he has to take a break. He said yesterday he fell really far behind. Howard said it was very unprofessional. Robin said she saw that some people found a bomb in a suitcase and they stole the suitcase and left the bomb behind. Robin said they're looking to get the suitcase back.
Howard said out where Richard's dad lives they don't worry about terrorism. Howard said he should move out there. He said he'd just stay there. He said maybe he'll move to Letterman's ranch. They went to break after that.
Howard said he really misses Eric. He was going to let Jon go. Jon said he wants the fans to know that he doesn't have anything of Eric's for sale. He said that fans have asked him for his sheets and underwear and stuff. He said there are a bunch of sick ass people out there. Howard asked where his underwear is actually. He asked what they are willing to pay. Jon said they never say, they just ask if he has it. Howard said maybe he should sell his underwear as Eric's. Jon said he's much bigger than Eric ever was. Howard said they could make a fortune selling that stuff. Howard let Jon go after that. Howard said if you put some tiny skid marks in there you'll have something.
Howard said it's the second anniversary of his death. He said they have the quiz up on the web site. Howard said between Eric and Beetlejuice they're probably the best Wack Packers. Howard said he has six reasons why Eric was the best. Howard said everyone has heard the clip of Eric saying he's club fucking footed. Howard said he asked him about his foot being turned backwards and it made Eric crazy. Howard played a clip where he talked to Eric about that and Eric eventually yelled that he's ''club fucking footed you asswipe.''
Howard said Eric was trying to say he didn't have a problem with his foot. He said it was so great. Howard said if he was there they'd be just as confused.
Howard said Eric and Beet are both great. He said it was so easy to set Eric off. Howard said Eric sold 0 tickets to an appearance he was making once so Fred would play the ''Zero point zero'' clip when Eric was on the phone. Howard played a clip of Eric talking about how he hates Steve Langford and Fred played the clip and set Eric off. Eric yelled at Fred to stop pushing the button or he'd fly to New York and break all of his fingers.
Howard said he has talked to Jimmy Kimmel about this. He said he might think Eric was the greatest Wack Packer of all time. Howard said Eric got a job on ''In Plain Sight'' and he was afraid that there would be werewolves in New Mexico when he went to shoot the show. Howard said they wrote it in on his contract. Howard said Eric was carrying on about it. Howard played a clip where he read the werewolves thing. Eric thought there were actually werewolves there because he read that on Wikipedia. Howard said he really wanted that in his rider.
Howard said the next reason he thinks Eric was the best is this one. Howard said Eric the Actor's manager was Johnny Fratto who is also gone. Howard said he booked his appearances and movie roles. Howard said Johnny's father was in the mob and Eric once asked Johnny to take a hit out on a guy from his high school. Howard said Eric had disability ramps in his school and this guy made fun of him for that. Howard played a clip where they talked to Eric about the hit he wanted to take out on someone. Eric said it wasn't a hit he just wanted them to teach the guy a lesson. They played the voicemail where Eric told Johnny ''You know what to do... you know what to do.'' Johnny said that little guy is a gangster. Robin said that was the best. Howard said that really was gangster.
Howard said reason number 5 for Eric being the best is this. He said Eric's catch phrase was ''Bye for now.'' He said everyone started doing it but then Eric got upset that everyone was doing it and he stopped saying it. Howard played a clip where Eric stopped the phrase because people were making fun of him for using it. Howard got him to say it though.
Howard said as soon as they liked something Eric did he would stop doing it. Robin said the other thing that got him was when they said he was in the Wack Pack. Howard said he would sometimes just grunt things. Robin said that's where the ''Ack, ack'' came from. Howard played a song parody where they had Eric saying ''Uh'' over and over in a Led Zeppelin song.
Howard said the sixth reason for Eric being the best was the High Pitch Erik ''This is Kelly Clarkson'' call. Howard played the prank call they had Erik make to Eric. Erik called as Kelly Clarkson and then as KC Armstrong. Then Erik said he was Gary Dell'Abate but he didn't change his voice at all.
Howard said those two used to go at it. Robin said he hated being the brunt of phony phone calls. Howard said it's been two years since Eric passed. Robin said she thinks about him every day. Howard played another song parody with Eric sounds in it. Howard said maybe the best way to remember him is to listen to Jewel's ''Tiny Actor'' song about him.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said Eric didn't even appear to like Howard. He said most Wack Packers love Howard. He said Eric just put up with Howard. Howard said sometimes he'd divorce himself from the show. He said he loved him on the show and sometimes he'd stop calling for months. Howard said once he called in as Derek the Actor. Howard said he didn't seem to like the show though. Robin said she thinks that Eric called in to say he did a good job as a judge on America's Got Talent.
They talked about Eric and the flying with balloons thing. Howard said Eric once wanted to open a modeling agency where the women would live in his home for free and he would mentor them.
Ralph said Eric was a mess but he wanted to be an actor and be a modeling agency. He said he had this drive to do all of this and he was stuck in that chair. Howard said it was like Heroin when they'd send him to the Bunny Ranch. Ralph said he remembers the pictures of Eric there when he had boobs on his head and all of that. He said he was the greatest. Howard said one time they had a hooker sit on his face. Howard said that's the way he should have gone. Howard said Eric wasn't even supposed to live until 18 but he lasted until like 40. Howard said he outlived his doctor's expectations. Ralph said there will never be another one like Eric.
Robin said Eric would never play gay in an acting role. Howard said that's right. He said he had his American Idol recap show where they had technical difficulties. Ralph said he should play some of that. Howard said he should. Howard said he'd be talking and there would be echo. Howard did an impression of what it sounded like. Howard said JD would come in and complain about having to listen to the whole thing. Ralph said he was the best. Ralph said now he's sad. He gave him a ''Bye for now.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't appreciate the characterization of people asking for Eric's underwear. The said they're trying to get them so they can get DNA and clone Eric. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard played a clip of Eric doing his internet show and having technical difficulties. His voice was stuttering and the audio kept cutting out. Howard said he could listen to that all day. He played another clip where the hosts were talking to Eric and they were echoing. Howard said they were broadcasting from the international space station. Howard played more of that echoing stuff. Howard said it was like hours of that. JD came in and said they would do 10 minutes of Idol talk and then an hour and a half of Q and A.
Howard said he knows JD hated that. JD said looking back on that it was great but it was hard to get through at the time. Howard said it sounds like something from Star Trek where they're contacting people in space. Howard said he has 3 minutes of this. He played the audio and fast forwarded trough it and it sounded the same 3 minutes in. Howard said rest in peace buddy. He played Jewel's song ''Tiny Eric'' which was a tribute song she performed on the show. They went to break after that. They played a ''Wendy the Slow Adult Sings The Hits'' album commercial parody as they went to break.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he listens to Eric every day on his iTunes. He said before that it was Sal but Eric is the best ever.
Howard took another call from a guy who said they're talking about Eric the Actor and he had that Amazon wishlist that was over $2 million. Howard said he thinks it's still up. The caller asked if Jon has the PJ Pants that Eric used to jerk off in. Howard let the guy go a short time later.
Howard said he woke up this morning hoping people would care about Eric's death. Howard said they obviously do. Howard said maybe he should call Eric in heaven. Howard said he has him on the line. Howard picked up and the guys in the back were playing clips of Eric complaining about being on hold for two hours and 59 damn, fucking minutes. Robin said no one told him to call before the show. Howard said it's been two years since he left. Eric said he misses them too. Howard said ''really?'' and they had Eric say no and that Howard is an arrogant piece of shit.
Howard asked if Eric looks down on people to see them getting naked in Heaven. Eric said yes. He looks at Kelly Pickler and Simon Cowel. Howard said he's missed greatly down there. He asked if he has anything to say to the fans. Eric said they're all immature retards. Howard let Eric go a short time later. Eric told him to shut the fuck up. Howard kept saying goodbye but they kept playing clips of Eric saying things and eventually he said ''Bye for good.''
Howard said in this phony phone call they called Swap Shop. Howard said the hosts get very overwhelmed easily. Howard said that they called in with porno titles for guesses for a contest they had going. They didn't like that. Howard played the call and they had a trivia question of the day that they asked. It was about two movies that filmed on the Notre Dame campus. The guys called in with porno names they made up for the movie titles. Sal and Richard kept calling in with the movie titles and the host ends up getting very upset.
Howard said Henry Winkler was up there the other day so they had him do some stuff for them. Howard said they had him do the Wack Pack Telephone Game. Howard said they had him plug a show he was doing over the summer and they had him pass it along to the Wack Pack to see how they passed it along. Howard played the clip and they had Henry call Underdog Lady who passed it along to Ham Hands Bill who passed it along to Tan Mom who passed it along to Jeff the Drunk. By the time it got to Jeff it was just ''Tan mom, pass it on.''
Howard said he doesn't think he likes Ariana Grande as a person. He said she's hot and all but he heard a clip of her on Ryan Seacrest and she had put out a picture of herself with some dude on her on Instagram. He said Ryan asked her about the guy and if it was her boyfriend and she said he's not entitled to that information. Howard said she ended up arguing with Ryan. Howard said he wishes that Ryan had yelled at her or something. He said she's posting that stuff on Instagram and she's not the high princess. Howard said she's an entertainer.
Howard played the clip of Ryan talking to Ariana Grande and he asked her if she was confirming her relationship with this guy. Ariana asked how they got there. Ryan was trying to talk to her about the guy and she said it was too early in the morning for that. Ariana said she was willing to share it at the moment but that doesn't mean he's entitled to more information. Howard said Ryan is trying to do a radio show and make her interesting. Howard said he's got to be in his 40s and she's in her 20s so be a little respectful. Howard said that really upset him and he was yelling at the clip. Howard said Ryan doesn't know who her boyfriend is and he doesn't care. He said that he gets tons of pussy himself. Gary said he's getting Adriana Lima. Howard said he's getting someone famous and hot like that. Howard said he read that he slept with some girl but didn't have sex with her. Gary said that was Sarah Underwood who was a Playboy Playmate. Howard said he doesn't think the guy is gay but he's not sure how a guy can lay in bed with a chick like that and not fuck her. Howard said he couldn't even comprehend that.
Howard said he can't wait for this girl to age and things to end for her. Howard said she's very talented and pretty but just shut up. Howard said be grateful a little bit. Howard said just say it was a picture and they were just playing around. Howard said he just hates everyone. Howard said she tweeted a picture and she's sharing. Howard said everyone is an asshole. Fred said she's a real diva. He said she gets carried around in a chair. She once did some autographs and pictures and once she was done she got in an elevator and said she hopes they all die. That's just a rumor that he read though.
Howard said that Fred's daughter must be into her. Howard asked how old she is now. Fred said she's going to be 14. Robin said she's a beauty too. Howard said she must look like Fred.
Howard said March 17th is the 20th anniversary of his movie. The caller asked if he had a lot of opportunities to do other movies. Howard said he did. He said he had one just a couple of months ago. Howard said that movie wasn't a plan to make one. Howard said he had a lot of energy for that one and it was so good he didn't want to be in a shitty one. Howard let the caller go and asked him to call in with an American accent next time.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's going through customs at the Canada border. He asked Howard to hold on. Howard said he heard that living in Canada is better than the U.S. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. Howard said he knows some guy who is going up there to get away from Trump possibly being President. Howard said he went to Windsor once. He didn't think it was that nice. Howard said he was offered a job in Toronto once but he was afraid of getting paid in Canadian money. He said he can't imagine moving up there. The caller said they have free health care up there. He said it's the best. Robin said she hasn't heard great things about that. She said she heard it takes a long time to get things done.
Howard said when he was on in Canada they took him of the air. He said he called them a bunch of pussies and they took him right off. The caller said there is no edgy radio on up there. He said they just got the internet up there. He said everything is pretty open up there. Howard said he heard that the strip clubs up there are pretty wild. He said they have full nudity and you can drink. The caller said if you go to Quebec you can touch the women. Howard said you can't finger them or anything though.
Howard asked if the caller ever met Ann Margaret and a bunch of other people. The caller asked if they have ever heard of the Tragically Hips up there. Howard said no, they don't care. The caller said they did their final concert up there and everyone watched and credit. The caller said the lead singer of the band is dying of cancer. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard took a call from a kid who has been listening to the show in Kuwait since he was 6 years old. Howard asked where that is. Robin told him that's where we went to free them from Saddam Hussein. The caller, Flamin (actually Slayman), talked about how things were over there. Howard said that these terrorists only know how to tear things down. Flamin said he had to stop going to mosques over there because it's so scary now. Flamin said he had to sign up with a fake ID to get an account. Howard asked why he has to do that. Flamin said that you need an address and credit card. He said he had to make up an address and give them a fake number to get the account. Howard asked if he did that at 6. Flamin said he was listening to cassette tapes at 6 years old. He said he collects them like Gary does. Howard asked if he's afraid that he's going to get killed every day. Flamin said he does. He said it's creepy. He said you have to be careful. He said he's scared to death of planes. He said even though he's Arab himself he's scared of guys with beards. He said he's okay dying but not like that.
Howard said he has to get this kid out of that hell hole. Howard said he speaks good English. Howard said maybe he'll adopt him. He said he could rescue a kid from Kuwait. Howard said all of his followers will love it. Howard said he can marry Robin so he can stay there. Howard said maybe he'd be safer over there instead of with Robin.
Howard asked about Flamin's parents and what's up with them. Flamin said that if authorities over there knew what he was saying now he could get arrested. He said many of he women over there have boyfriends and they say he's too weird for them. He said if he says he listens to Howard Stern they'll ask why and say he's too controversial. Howard said 10 years from now this is going to be the guy those girls will want to be with. Flamin said he has been studying to be a filmmaker. Howard said making movies over there isn't something that will work. Flamin said he's moving to the U.S. as soon as he turns 18. He said he's going to get out of there. Howard said if he gets him in there he can't be blowing shit up. Flamin said no way man. He said the government is making them study things that they want them to study. He said they don't want him studying film making. He said they want him to study engineering and things like that. Howard said maybe they have a point there. Howard said maybe he should help him so he can thank him at the Academy Awards some day.
Howard said just his luck the movie will be some piece of shit. Flamin said he has written 7 scripts so far. He said he's written stuff about movies that have inspired him. He said that he has a lot of vinyl and cassette tapes and stuff. Howard said maybe he's not going to be into this kid. He said he can't have him staying at his house if he has all of that crap.
Howard asked Flamin if they have a toilet in the house. Flamin said of course they do. Howard said this kid is 16 and living in Kuwait. Flamin said he's not going to college to study the bullshit the government wants him to. He said his brother is in the U.K. studying political science. Howard asked if he's too young for porn. Flamin said no way man. He said he uses a VPN to get porn. Howard said look at these kids.
Howard said that he's worried about this kid. He hopes he gets out of there. Howard said he'd tell them that he'll study whatever they want but then get out. Howard said then he can move to the U.K. and then to the U.S. Howard said he can come there and they'll hide him if he wants.
Howard asked if he's a good looking kid. Flamin said he thinks he is. He said the girls think he's weird though. Howard said he digs him. Flamin said he doesn't get what Jackie's problem is with Howard. Robin said no one does. Flamin asked what his problem is. Howard said it's great that he lives in Kuwait and he's worried about Jackie. Howard said that's awesome. Flamin said Jackie's web site hasn't been updated since the 90s. Howard said they know. Howard said that must not be his real name. Flamin said that's his real name actually. Howard said he thought it was a goof because it was a Jewish sounding name but it's not good to be Jewish over there.
Howard said he has to let him go. Flamin said he will catch the replay later. Howard said this poor kid was born in the wrong country. Howard said this is his nightmare. Howard said he wonders what would have happened if he was born in Kuwait. Flamin gave Howard a Baba Booey and Robin gave him a ''Hit 'em with the Hein!''
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's against Flamin coming into the country. She said she didn't like what he said about what his father does. She said she's not saying that every Muslim is a terrorist but show her one that isn't. Howard said maybe she's right. Howard said Flamin is on his own. The caller told Howard to stick with the kittens. Howard said he's sticking with Flamin. He asked if he's pulling the wool over his eyes. Flamin said he's not. Flamin said he gets a lot of shit about his name.
Howard asked Flamin about what they do to gay people over there. Flamin said the government will cut their dick off if they know they're gay. Howard asked if he's gay. Flamin said he's 100 percent straight.
Howard asked Flamin if he owns a pressure cooker. Flamin said no. Howard said he sounds vetted to him. Flamin said he's not like that guy who bombed Chelsea. Howard said this is how you vet someone from Kuwait. Howard said he'd be terrible at this. Howard asked if he's sure he's not a terrorist. Flamin said he's telling him he's not but he's not sure if he'll take his word for it. Howard let Flamin go after that. Howard asked how you can be against that kid. He said he wants to see him get refuge. Howard asked who is watching that kid.
Gary came in and said he's going to the concert for all three nights. He said he has no expectations for Dylan. Howard said he has the original ''All Along the Watchtower.'' Howard played a newer version where you can't understand what Dylan is singing. Gary said he knows some guys went and said you can't even understand what he's singing. Howard played another early Dylan song and said this is what it sounds like in 2016. You can't even understand what he's singing and it's not the same tune.
Howard said that gives him hope that he could be a rock star. Gary said Dylan does that and everyone goes ''what the fuck is that?'' He said some of the tickets to the show are like $200,000. He said they have the Stones there and then Neil Young. He said then it's McCartney. Howard said the rumor is that every band is getting $7 million per night. Gary said he's not sure that Dylan is getting anywhere near that. Howard played a Dylan song and had everyone guess what song it was. They knew it was ''Like a Rolling Stone'' but it barely sounded like it.
Howard played another Dylan song and asked Gary to guess what it was. Gary didn't know at first but he figured it out eventually.
Howard asked if Gary is going with Ross. Gary said he is. Howard said Ross has endless energy. He said he's like a kid. Gary said Ross doesn't have any kids so he doesn't have those responsibilities. He said for work he had to go to Nashville and he flew down there and came home to see Springsteen for the second night that week. Howard said Ross has to be 50-something. Gary said he's not sure just how old he is.
Howard said he could not go for a 3 day concert. He said one would be enough. Gary said that they'll be hanging out by the pool. He said they're not camping. Howard said Gary and Ross will be hanging out at the hotel and then going to the concert. Gary said it's just a concert and not a whole day affair like Cochella. Gary said he hasn't seen the Stones since the 80s. He said he wants to see them. Howard said once that drummer died he didn't want to see The Who. Gary said their drummer is Ringo's kid and he's great. He said they put on a great show.
Howard said he likes McCartney's band too. Gary said they're doing all kinds of old songs now. He said it's just him and Ringo now.
Howard said ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' continues to be huge. Howard asked if they should break first. Fred said they should. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said he thought about walking but then he thought about people bugging the shit out of him. He said people would be shocked to see him on the street. He said he wears a cap sometimes but Beth laughs at him. He said it doesn't look like him but it does but it looks like him without hair. Howard said it's his disguise.
Howard said if he had a wheelchair in the car he could push that to the destination. Howard said that way he wouldn't be tall. Howard said he could wear a Gumby costume and dress up like he's one of those Times Square people. Robin said they'd probably offer him 5 bucks for a photo.
Howard said he was late for his appointment by an hour. He said he could have walked. Robin said as soon as Lisa left for the subway the traffic started to move. Howard said he has said to friends that he can't walk on the street. Then they go for a walk and no one bothers him. Then he looks like a jerk.
Robin said there are a couple of black guys who call themselves the Twin Towers and they told her Howard knows them. Howard said he doesn't know them. Robin said they stand outside every day at Sirius. Robin said they gave her their album. Robin said they're recording artists. Robin said she's giving it to Howard. Howard no and told her to throw it out. Howard said he's not going to listen to it. Howard said his mother has tried to give him stuff that fans have given her. Howard said he tells her to throw it the fuck out.
Howard said he watched the finale of Ray Donovan but it was a little over the top. Howard said it's getting a little too unbelievable. Howard said he loves the show though. Howard said he was watching a new show called Quarry. Howard said he might be the only one watching it. He said it's a guy who comes back from Viet Nam and he's a trained killer. Howard said people throw shit at him after he comes back from Viet Nam. Howard said he was hard core but he didn't do anything bad. Howard said he becomes a killer here in the United States. He said he doesn't want to be one but he's forced into it. Howard said they have tons of naked chicks in the show. He said even the guy's wife in the show is naked. Howard said she has full on tittie in the show. Howard said he likes that. Robin said he's a mess. He said there's tons if killing in the show too. Robin said she doesn't like that. Howard said she'll like this one. Howard said he thinks it's going to be pretty good.
Robin said there's a new show on the Oprah channel that she'll be watching just for the guy in the show. Robin said she has to look at this guy because he's so special. Howard said Quarry is good because it's from the director of Banshee. Howard said it's on Cinemax. Howard said Gotham is back but he hasn't watched that yet.
Howard said he knows some women who have bad breath and it's like knock out drops. Howard said he knows they can't keep a man because of that. Howard said it smells like a doody sandwich. He said it's like two pieces of doody with doody as bread and the middle. Howard said it's remarkable that their breath is that bad. Howard said he can't tell them that it's that bad. Howard said that's just not going to happen. Howard said then you start to look at them differently. Howard said they're not as hot when you think about it.
Howard asked if the caller has had a girl this hot before. The caller said no. Howard said she's an earner too. Howard said she must make $250,000 a year. The caller said maybe she does. He said that this is the worst breath though. He said he thinks she has a normal girl diet too. He said she's not eating that much crap. Howard said he uses The Doctors brush picks. Howard said he might smell garlic'y once in a while but other than that he's pretty good.
The caller asked how he can recommend a product to her. Howard asked if she can take it if he tells her that he breath is bad. He said he thinks any other topic would be fine but she's proud of being a dentist. He said bringing up oral hygiene might not go that well. Howard asked how tall she is. The caller said she's like 5'10'' or 5'11''. Howard asked if she's an asshole. The caller said she's not.
Howard asked the guy if he could write her a letter as a patient and say her breath is so bad that he's thinking leaving her. Howard asked if she's the kind of girl who will dress up for him. The guy said she'll meet you half way with most stuff. The caller said she's proactive. He said she'll gyrate her hips as much as him. He said she will still move when it's in missionary. Howard asked if she'll eat his ass. Everyone laughed because of the shit breath. Howard said her body looks perfect. Howard asked if those are real titties. The caller said yes. Howard said she's dressed appropriately but sexy.
The caller said there are a lot of combinations that are rare. He said she dresses nice but still sexy. Howard asked if she wears heels when they go out. He said she will. Howard said some girls wear fake heels. Howard asked how bad he breath is in the morning. The caller said he can't look at her when she talks to him. He said he's down wind. Howard said it's like doody. The caller said that it's like she gargled with doody.
Howard asked if the breath was bad from the start. The caller said he's not sure. He said it may have been and he just ignored it. He said in the mornings he tries to get up and brush his teeth with her. Howard asked how long it takes for it to smell like shit again. He said it's like 45 minutes and it's bad again. Howard said maybe she has a problem. The caller said he's not sure how she's gone this long without someone else saying something. Howard said he doesn't have the balls to say anything. He said he knows some people who they have worked with who have shit breath. Howard said he was so afraid to tell him he had bad breath and so was Robin. Howard said they had to get an intern to tell him.
Benjy asked if he has a sense that this guy could be gay. Howard said no way. He said he's way off track. Benjy said the guy sounds effeminate. Howard said he's taking him out of his zone. Howard said the guy is trying to hang in there with this woman even with the awful breath.
The caller said that the girl is into him more than he's into him at this point. Howard said he thinks that she's probably starving herself because she wants to be hot. Howard said then she works out and that's causing the doody breath. Howard said she might be worn down from being a dentist. Howard said maybe that's making the doody breath. Howard asked if she'll blow him. The caller said the blow jobs are far more frequent now than they were. Howard said he's seen that. He asked if his penis smells after the blow jobs. The caller said he never noticed. Howard said he can come in there and he'll smell it. Howard said maybe her breath is better after she blows him. Howard said at least she's eating something.
Howard told the guy to put some tooth paste on his cock when she blows him. Howard said maybe that will help. Robin said if he really cared about her he'd sit her down and talk to her about this. Howard said Robin couldn't do that. Robin said she could now. Howard asked if he wants Robin to tell her. The caller said maybe. Howard said Robin would giggle through it.
Howard said this one might be worth suffering through. Howard said he's going to say write her the letter at work. Robin said she won't believe a later. Howard said she's worth it. Howard said he has to walk her through it. Howard said she won't be into him if he tells her though. Howard said she's going to be so embarrassed by it. Robin said he has to tell her he's into her despite it. Howard said he has a new idea. He said every doctor has a web site where you evaluate them. Howard said you barrage her web site about the breath. He said that will get her to move. Howard said he can't continue to date the girl if she has doody sandwich breath. Howard said he has to do something. Robin said it's going to be over if he doesn't do something. Howard said he knows a girl with this problem.
Gary came in and said there's a company that helps with fresh breath. Howard said Gary isn't so good with his breath. Gary said he tries. Gary said this company will send a letter to the person on your behalf. Howard said this is a major problem. Robin said she'll bring the letter to the guy and ask what he thinks.
Howard said he knew a guy who had the worst breath. Howard said a friend came to him and asked what to do. Howard said the friend who came to him had worse breath. Howard said he felt like he was on a planet of Bizarros. Gary said he has had to do it twice in his life. He said one was a worker and one was a friend. Gary said if you care about someone you have to do it. Howard said it's not easy to do. Howard asked Gary who it was. He said he thinks he knows. Gary said the person was surprised but grateful.
The caller said the worst part is that she's a dentist. Robin said she can't smell her own breath apparently. Howard said Gary is talking about someone's breath. Howard said Gary is better now. Gary said he brushes, flosses and does it all. He said he's eating a lot of breath mints too. Howard said that's the worst. He said then it's like minty doody. Gary said he eats onions sometimes. Howard asked if he has to have them that bad. Gary said he has Altoids just in case.
Gary said that he gets suspicious when someone offers him gum. He said that must be them telling him he has bad breath. Howard said this girl is hot. Gary said she's beautiful. Howard asked if she's a noine. Gary said she is at least a noine. Howard said she's like a 10.
The caller said he has been buying packs of gum to split with her just because it's so unbearable. Howard asked what happens in the afternoon. The caller said it's like a dumpster on the side of the street in New York in the middle of summer. Howard said that's bad. He said he'd break up with the girl.
Howard asked the caller to go through it with him and he'll be the girl. He said he can tell her she has bad breath. Howard asked for a name. Howard called him ''Steve.'' Howard became the girlfriend and ''Steve'' told her about the bad breath. Howard was the woman at work as a dentist. Howard asked Steve what he had to say. Steve said he was thinking of freshening his breath with her. Howard said that's not the way to do it. Howard had Steve be the woman and he became Steve. Howard said he's very excited about their relationship and he hopes she doesn't take it the wrong way. Howard asked if he has told her he loves her yet. Steve said no. Howard said he's smart not to do that. Howard said that these guys on The Bachelor fall for the girl too quick.
Howard got back into it and tried to do it again but he told him to just break up with her. Robin said he can't do that. Howard got back into it as Steve and tried again but he just told him to break up with her. Steve asked what Robin would do if a guy told her that. Robin said she'd tell him to get out and then fix her breath. Steve said he thinks she'll take it as a professional insult too. Robin said she does smell though. Howard said she's so hot too. Howard asked if this is the best picture of her. Steve said she looks like that so it's not just a good picture. Robin said he has to save her.
Howard said this is a tough one. Howard said if she wasn't this hot he'd tell him to break up. Howard asked if they have a nose plug he can wear. Howard said he can get one like the swimmers have. Howard said he has to tell her but it's awful. Howard asked Benjy wait he would do. Benjy said if he loves her it makes sense. Benjy said he sent in the picture and his voice is identifiable. Howard said no one knows where he's calling from. Benjy said he'd figure out a way to tell her. Benjy said the anonymous thing isn't a bad idea. Benjy said just tell her.
Fred said if he really wants to stick with her then he has to say something. He said just give her a stick of gum. He said it's either going to cave in and go away or something will happen. Howard said she might break up, fix her breath and then date other guys. Fred said his wife will give him a stick of gum at times. Fred said she might have a stomach thing going on.
Howard asked Steve what kind of money he makes. Steve said he makes a good living. He makes over 100 grand but she makes more than he does. Howard said he has to tell her. Howard said there's no way he can't. Howard said he can act like Fred's wife and give her a piece of gum. Fred said she's very matter of fact with it. He said she'll hold out an Altoids box and say he needs them. Howard said Beth will sometimes ask if he ate garlic. Fred said it's not personal. He said she shouldn't take it personally. Howard said if he said Beth smells he'd get a 17 year freeze. Fred said she has to take the advice.
Howard said that he should just do the thing Gary suggested. Howard said the guy is fucked. Howard wished him luck and said let him know what happens. Howard said the letter thing might work. He said she's worth it. Howard said maybe get a friend to tell her and then get angry with the friend. Steve said maybe he could ask a friend to say something to her. He said he's not sure how much she would care about keeping him in the picture though.
Howard asked Ronnie for his advice. Ronnie came in and said that he was talking to Jim out there about this. He said he would call her and say something. He said she must know about this by now. Howard said he doesn't think so. Ronnie said he thinks someone knows this guy and the girl. Howard said no one knows. Ronnie said someone knows she has shit breath and they will hear this and tell her to turn on the radio. Ronnie said he would call the woman and tell her she has bad breath.
Howard asked if he really would. Ronnie said it's not easy but he would sit down with her and say something. He said he'd tell her he's been keeping this in and he really cares about her but she has a problem with her breath. Ronnie said he would do that because he cares.
Howard asked why Benjy is laughing. Benjy said it doesn't seem sweet at all. Howard said Ronnie sees himself as the catch of the century. Howard said that seemed pretty good actually. Howard said he was laughing because he was pretty good at it. Steve said he liked the line ''I'm surprised no one has told you this.'' He said he might use that line.
Ronnie asked to see the picture. Howard showed it to him and Ronnie said that guy can't let that go. Howard said he just came. Ronnie said he has to sit her down and have a talk with her. Ronnie said he liked the toothpaste on the cock idea.
Steve said he thinks he might be able to sit her down and talk to her like Ronnie. Howard said he fucked it up when he said it so he had Ronnie repeat himself. Howard became the woman and Ronnie sat her down and told her about the bad breath thing. He did it differently than earlier so Howard said he fucked it up this time. Howard, as the woman, told him to get the fuck out of here. Howard said he thinks Ronnie was on to something the first time. Howard said play that back and then read it to her. Howard said he has to tell her because she's too hot.
Howard said he has to get an elaborate sound system and lip sync it to the girl. Howard said he has another caller on the line who has some advice. The caller said he had the same problem. He said they got together one day in the park and he thought he had stepped in dog shit. He said it's a two part solution. He said you have to talk to her about it and then get her some help. Howard said she won't be able to solve it on her own. The caller said it's a stomach bacteria and she has to get help with that. Howard said that could be the bacteria that's getting into her vagina too. Howard said it might creep up and down. The caller said that if he helps her out he'll be the hero. Howard said he's right about that.
Howard said he has Lee Kingsnatch on the phone and he has a solution too. Howard took the call and Lee said that he has to tell her in Japanese. He said to say ''Yourbreath Smelllikeashiiit.'' He had the caller repeat after him. Howard said ''...alright Alex, I mean Bob.'' Howard told him to get in touch with them after he does something. Howard said they just spent 40 minutes with the guy and solved nothing. Howard said he didn't help that guy at all. Howard said you know Ronnie will be putting toothpaste on his cock. Howard went to break after that. They played a fake Hillary Clinton phony phone call as they went to break.
Robin wondered why Howard's voice was so low. Howard told her to turn up her headphones. Howard asked if she's jealous that he wears the small headphones now. Robin said she is getting there. Howard said he'll get to the ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' stuff tomorrow.
Robin started her news talking about Paul Hogan and his wife Linda getting a divorce. Robin said she didn't know that they had. Robin said they got divorced after 23 years of marriage. Howard said they had a good run. He said 23 years is pretty good. Robin said she says she got tired of being in his shadow.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has been with her boyfriend 10 years and he had to have the bad breath conversation with her. She said he was very matter of fact about it. She said it's not that big of a deal. She said it was embarrassing but he had to do it. She said she thinks if this guy can't do it after 6 months that's not good. The caller said she thinks to herself that other people didn't tell her if they noticed it. Howard asked what she did to get rid of it. She said she uses hydrogen peroxide. Howard said he thinks the key is to pick your teeth. Robin said that's part of it. Howard said he picks his teeth immediately after eating. He said he gets every bit of grit out of there.
Howard asked if the caller was cute. She said she thinks she is. She said that they're both pretty shallow and they like their looks. Howard let her go a short time later.
Robin read a story about Tim Tebow switching sports and he's on the Mets farm team. Robin said they say he's beating all of the other players in one area. She said that's jersey sales. Robin said they're getting a big crowd of people down in Port St. Lucie where they work out. Robin said he's using the number 15 like he did in football. Robin said he's selling a lot of shirts. Howard said he got a note saying he can play fast but he's not good at hitting. Gary said he heard he threw a ball over the cut off man's head really high. Howard asked if he's still claiming he's a virgin. Gary said he thinks so. Howard said lets get real. Howard asked how old he is now. Howard asked what he does and asked if he fingers a girl. Howard said get him in here and he'll find out.
Robin read a story about a study that was done about drinking beer and how it can make people more sociable and lower sexual hang ups. Howard said that's a very important study.
Robin read a story about a study that was done about prostate cancer and vasectomies. Howard said he has heard that the vasectomy can make you more prone to prostate cancer. Robin said they have done a study that found that's not the case.
Howard took a call from a guy, Chad, who said he read an article that says doctors are calling for Obama to ban menthol cigarettes. He asked if Howard ever smoked them. Howard said he did. He said where he lived growing up he was surrounded by black people and they all smoked menthol. Howard said it's supposedly worse for you than regular tobacco. Robin said they do have more deaths in the black community from smoking. Howard said Robin smoked them for a while. Robin said she smoked Benson & Hedges for a while. Then she went to Virginia Slims. Howard said she went for that woman's cigarette thing. Howard said she was quite the smoker. Howard said she quit in Washington DC. Robin said the worst was when she smoked a pack a day. She said she had to give them up at the most stressful time. Howard said they say 75 percent of black smokers smoke Newports. Robin said Kools and Newports were really strong. Howard said he smoked Camels without the filter. Howard said he used to smoke his own rolled stuff with tobacco from old cigarettes too. He said that was the worst. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Angelina Jolie filing for divorce from Brad Pitt according to TMZ. Robin said they say she's citing irreconcilable differences. Howard said maybe it's time for Robin to date her. Robin said they have six kids. Howard said Robin said he's not a movie star. Robin said she doesn't care what he does for a living. Robin said she's asking for custody of the kids. Howard asked if Robin could date Brad if he had terrible breath. Robin said she'd tell him. Gary asked if Howard thinks they have the same amount of money or will one have to pay the other. Howard said Angelina hasn't done much. Robin said she had the Lara Croft series. Howard wondered who Brad is going to bang now. Howard said maybe Jennifer Lawrence or Gwyneth Paltrow. Howard said maybe he should have Angelina Jolie. Howard said maybe Rihanna. Howard suggested Caitlyn Jenner too. Howard wondered what his wife will say when she finds out. Robin said her cat Brangelina died so it was time for them to divorce.
Robin said the primteime Emmy awards had their lowest ratings ever on Sunday. Robin said it had 11.7 million viewers. Robin said they had a very high social media reaction though. Howard said he thought Jimmy did a great job. Robin said he did and it's not his fault that they went down. Howard said you can't blame him. Robin said they always find someone to blame. Howard said Jimmy can handle it.
Robin read about the Samsung Note 7 and the recall isn't working out. Robin said people are taking money back and asking for an iPhone. Robin said they are losing customers as a result. Robin said they think the iPhone is safer.
Howard asked how TMZ knows so fast about Brad Pitt. Gary said they have someone on the payroll everywhere. He said they pay for that stuff. Howard said they have some organization. Robin said they act so quickly too. Robin said it's not the oldest news organization in the world but they get all of the news first.
Robin had a story about Twitter and asked Howard about it since he's tweeting more. Howard said he tweeted yesterday 3 times. He asked what the K in K-Mart stands for and a few other things. Howard asked how cheese gets its holes. Robin didn't even know how that worked. Howard asked if Larry tweeted more than he did yesterday. Jason said he only tweeted twice yesterday. He said they were just promotion for something. Howard said he wants to steal Larry's followers.
Robin read about how Twitter is loosening their 140 character limit. Robin said the photos and GIFs won't count in the total number of characters in a tweet. Howard read some of the tweets that Larry has sent out lately. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the bombing suspect who was arrested yesterday. Robin said an ex-girlfriend claims he's a deadbeat dad and he fumes about much of western culture. Robin said he started making long trips to Afghanistan. Robin said he was spending a lot of time over there and she's not sure why he wasn't on a watch list. Howard said nothing good comes from a vacation to Afghanistan. Robin said especially 14 months. Howard said no one goes there unless you're up to shenanigans.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump weighing in on what happened over the weekend. Robin said Trump says it's the result of our relaxed immigration policy. Robin had a clip for Howard to play where Trump talked about that. Howard said he thinks it's better when he talks off the cuff. He said it's boring when he reads a script. Robin said you can always tell when he's reading. She said his head is down. Robin said Trump's oldest son sent out a tweet that's causing some problems. Robin said Trump Jr. wrote in a tweet where he shows a bowl of Skittles and asked if you were told 3 would kill you would you take a handful. He was comparing them to immigrants. Howard had a clip of Wendy the Slow Adult talking about why she wants Donald Trump for President. Wendy let out a fart when she was recording the bit.
Robin said Wrigley's took issue with the tweet that Trump Jr. sent out and said that they're candy and they won't be compared to people. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about Hillary being soft on immigration. Robin said he also claims that terror will be stopped if he's elected president. She had a clip of him talking about that too.
Robin said Hillary Clinton was on Jimmy Fallon's show last night. Robin said she taped it earlier so she didn't talk about the terror attacks. Robin had a clip for Howard to play.
Robin read that they're saying Hillary is pulling out ahead in the polls again. Robin said she's not sure why it changes so much from day to day. Robin said that she has a 5 point lead this week.
Robin read a story about Trump saying he probably won't mention Hillary and Bill Clinton's marriage in the debate next week. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about that.
Robin read a story about Chris Christie and how he keeps coming up in the Bridge-gate trial. Robin said they're saying that Christie knew about the scheme but he's said all along he didn't.
Robin read about France being the first nation to ban plasticware for eating or drinking. Robin said they feel it's damaging to the environment said they're banning it. Robin said they won't be drinking out of plastic cups or eating with plastic utensils. Howard said he's eating with a plastic spoon right now. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a survey about Las Vegas that found it's the best city to visit to have a good time. Howard asked where Allepo ranks. Robin said she doesn't think that's even on the list. Robin read about how they did the study and how Orlando, Miami and New Orleans followed it on the list.
Robin read a story about President Obama meeting with the UN today. Robin had some details on what they'd be discussing.
Robin read that Jim Carrey is speaking out about a wrongful death lawsuit that was filed against him. Robin said the former husband of his girlfriend has accused him of supplying the pills which she overdosed with. Robin said none of them were prescribed. Robin said Jim is saying it's ridiculous to say she got the pills from him. Robin said her death was ruled a suicide. Robin asked if you can really blame Jim for that.
Howard said MrSkin.com is posting nude Angelina Jolie videos in honor of her divorce. Robin said that's disguising.
Robin read a story about how Vince Neil could end up in jail because of a fight he had at some event he was at.
Robin read a story about Meatloaf having a new album out. Robin said he has reunited with Jim Steinman who wrote all of his Bat out of Hell album. Robin said this is the first time he's put out an album in a long time.
Robin read about a new TV show that Kiefer Sutherland is doing. Robin had some audio of Sutherland talking about the new show. Robin said it's the first time he's back on TV since he was on 24. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about how he wants another shot at performing ''The Great American Nightmare.'' He said he needs Rob Zombie back. Howard sang along with the song for a few seconds.
Howard played a clip of Medicated Pete announcing who they had coming up on today's show. Pete said they have Howard's point of view, special guests and more. Howard said he can't wait for the gathering of the stupid. He said Jason came to him in a meeting yesterday and said they're thinking of moving the date of the gathering. Howard had Jason come in to explain why they want to move the date.
Jason came in and Howard said he has thought this through and they have made many promos for the gathering. Howard played one where they have audio of Eric the Actor saying ''stop with the bullshit.'' Howard said that one doesn't have to be changed because no date is mentioned.
Jason said they have so much excitement about this event. He said they are getting the whole Wack Pack together to get them to vote. He said if they just push it out a few months they can get every single person who has ever been part of the Wack Pack in the same room. He said they could get the audience in to see it and make it big. He said that they can have everyone be a part of it. Howard said they can make it bigger than it already is. Howard said he thinks he's talking Tavern on the green or Radio City. Jason said he can't find another instance where they've had a gathering like this.
Howard said no matter where they have it they'll have to have extra Lysol. Howard said there's something about it happening there where it's intimate. Howard said he could lose control over the audience. Howard said he needs to be able to herd them like sheep. Howard said he is open to it but he has to think about it.
Jason said he thinks that they have lost a bunch of Wack Packers over the past few months and they have to think about doing an In Memorium. Howard said maybe he could talk to Hank the Dwarf as a hologram. Jason said they could have Eric the Actor in hologram too. Howard said it sounds like Jason has found a greater passion than food. Jason said he knows the audience can throw things off.
Howard said maybe they could do it on December 33rd. He said that would throw everything off. Jason said they want to make it a huge thing. Howard said he'll think about it over the weekend. Robin said they have had it planned for months now. Howard said leave it to Robin to get upset. Robin said she wanted the Gathering of the Stupid and now they're talking about pushing it back. Howard said sometimes they have to handle it slowly. Howard said if they need a Frankenstein Eric the Actor they might need some time.
Jason said they also have a lot of Wack Pack things going on over the next few weeks. Howard said they have High Pitch Erik coming in today. He said he has a girl living in his apartment and she's coming in today. Jason said they sleep in the same twin sized bed. Jason said Erik has lost 70 pounds now. Howard said he is so fucked up. Howard said Erik is ''disabled'' which means he's fat and stupid. Howard said he has a service where he gets driven around for like 2 bucks. Howard said they have tape of him yelling at his driver to get there. Howard said you'd think he was paying for a $500 limo. Howard said he's whacked out of his skull.
Howard played some audio of Erik yelling at the driver from Access-a-Ride. Erik was yelling asking where she was and how long it takes to get there. Howard said it's hard to get good help for a free ride.
Howard said they sent Erik to that woman who does job interviews for them. Howard said she said he was the worst ever. Howard said Erik has wet hands and he shook her hand and she spent the rest of the interview trying to wipe her hand. Howard said Wolfie was there and he said Erik has plaque on his teeth that makes them yellow. It looks like food stuck on his teeth but they're just dirty. Howard said this woman rated Erik the worst in the interview.
Howard played some audio of Erik talking about his disabilities when he got into the interview room. The interviewer asked Erik to tell her a little bit about himself. Erik said he's looking for a job and he's disabled. He said he can't do too much since he's disabled. He said he can do some stuff. Jason said he's already out of breath.
Howard played a clip of Erik saying he wanted a career in sports. He said he can't play because of his disability. Howard said he is like a mascot. He said he's like a hairless Philly Fanatic.
Howard said Erik was asked about the gaps in his work history. Howard said he has the worst answers. Howard played the clip and Erik said he has a few gaps in his work history that were 2 or 3 years. Erik said he didn't do anything in that time.
Howard said Erik then reveals he doesn't take risks. The interviewer asked about his risk taking and Erik said he doesn't like taking risks. The interviewer asked him if he has heard about the risks and rewards. Erik kept saying he doesn't like risks.
Howard played another clip where Erik was asked about being in a fast paced environment and how he'd do. Erik couldn't comprehend the question. Erik said he thinks with his health issues he wouldn't be able to do things fast.
Howard played a clip where Erik was asked what his motto would be. Erik didn't get the question but after it was explained he said ''Be a winner.'' Howard said he thinks it should be ''Are you going to eat that?'' or ''Just eat.'' Howard said he can't wait to see the fat man. Jason said he's off the walker and on a cane now. Howard said he doesn't want anything to happen to him.
Howard said Erik was asked what the person who likes him the least would say about him. Erik said they would say they hate him and he's an idiot. He said they'd call him lazy and an idiot. Howard said they'd say he killed his pets too. The interviewer asked if he thinks those statements are true. Erik said yes. Jason said she let him roll and he loves it.
Howard said Erik is such a disaster. Howard said Erik then reveals that he would have to quit his job if anyone criticized him. Howard played that clip next. Erik said he'd have to leave the job. Erik said criticism wouldn't be good for him.
Howard asked if there's anyone out there who wants to hire Erik. Howard said his biggest dream is to win the lotto. Howard said he also had a dream of being a fire fighter but that was too much work. Howard played a clip where Erik talked about the lotto and how he'd like to own a house and a boat. Erik talked about dreaming of being a fire fighter but it was too much work so he didn't do it. Howard said he could have applied for a job as a rescue cushion that people jump on to.
Howard said Erik realized he'd actually have to do shit. He said it's much easier to just sit home and ask for free stuff.
Howard said this woman is great. He said she asked Erik who should play him in a movie about his life. Howard said of course he said Donnie Wahlberg. Howard played that clip. Erik didn't have to think about it for long. Erik said he loves Donnie and Donnie loves him. Erik said they both look alike too. Howard said he's sure she threw him out after that.
Howard said they asked Erik how he thought it went. Erik thought it went pretty well. Wolfie asked him to rate it on a scale of 10 and Erik said he'd say a 7. He said he looked her in the eye and he did pretty good with the interview. Howard said the interviewer had a completely different view on it. He played some audio of her talking to Wolfie about the interview. She said she can't think of any strong points or high points in the interview. She gave him a score of ''maybe a 1'' on a scale of 10. Jason said this was after Medicated Pete. He said she had something to compare it to.
Howard said that's the worst job interview he's ever heard. Jason said he has had jobs though. Howard said he got them through the show though. Howard said Erik is coming in today so that should be good.
Howard said he has to think about this moving of the Gathering of the Stupid. Howard said Robin says no. Robin said she's not sure it should go into next year.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the tweeting he's been doing lately. Howard said he has been doing that. He said he watched some of The Strain on TV last night. Howard said there are so many great shows on. He said he likes Quarry too. Howard said he has so many choices of TV to watch now. Howard said America is so great. He said The Strain wasn't up for any Emmys and that's just not right. Howard said they pick the wrong shows. Howard said The Bachelorette wasn't even nominated for an Emmy.
The caller asked about Gotham. Howard said they're getting too many super villains in at once. Howard said in the first season it was really good because they concentrated on the Penguin and the Riddler. Howard said he likes the new Batman but they hardly have him in it. Howard said he should be a consultant but he's too busy for that.
Howard said they wait too long to get the super hero going. He said it's like Smallville when they didn't have Superman flying.
Howard said they should be proud of themselves for the TV they have on now though. He said there's so much going on. Howard said even on the news channels they have great stuff going on. Howard said he thought about drawing the other night and he felt like it was school work. Howard said he's an adult and he should be able to not draw. Howard said he's put in a lot of years of working and he should be able to watch TV and draw.
Howard said he got together with some of the guys he went to summer camp with. Howard said he had this guy Artie there and they were all friends in camp. Howard said he had Kenny there and another Howie. Howard said Lou wasn't able to make it. Howard said they had a great time and a lot of laughs. Howard said they really make him happy. He said they get together once a year but they laugh so hard. Howard said it's like they're 13 or 14 again. Howard said if you can find some friends that can make you laugh like you did as kids you should get together. Howard said these guys came along at a time in his life when things weren't going well and he went off to camp Wel-Met and got to hang out with these great guys. Howard said he went to school every day and had to fight every day. He said they were horrible fights and he's not a fighter. Howard said he just did it or he'd be eaten alive.
Howard said these guys at summer camp were very friendly and funny and it represented the ideal to him. He said it was a world where other boys like him accepted him. He said they would hang out there. Howard said they talked about some of the antics they would do. Howard said it reminded him of all of those good times.
Howard said after the six weeks he'd go back to the people trying to kill him. He said he'd have a year of that and then six more weeks of camp. Howard said at least he got out of the torture for six weeks.
Howard said he got out of Roosevelt and years later went to college. Howard said that started another horror scene when he started working at radio stations. He said here he is today a fully realized happy person. Robin said he's totally accepted now.
Howard said it was nice last night at dinner. Howard said they had a ton of laughs. Howard said they went to a nice place he'd rather not mention. Robin said they could have gone to a bar or something. Howard said he ordered all wrong. He said he lost a pound from doing it. Howard said he had a small salad but he ordered another appetizer. Howard said he had a tiny dinner. Howard said he figured he'd have to go home and eat. Howard said he tried just not eating. He said maybe he'd be able to fit into his pants. Howard said he did. He said that he fell asleep without jerking off. Howard said maybe he felt fed from his friends. Robin said maybe he should get together with them more often. Howard said he doesn't need it that often.
Howard said his friend Kenny wanted to take a group photo but he said no. Howard said they took it anyway. Howard said he didn't want it being posted on Facebook like he did last time.
Howard said the guys all looked old to him but then he realized he must look old too. Howard said in his mind he's much younger than them. Howard said he doesn't think Robin looks her age. Robin said someone asked her nephew if she was his sister. Robin said she had to say thank you to that person.
Howard said Robin was almost the first person to die out of all of them and she still looks young. Robin said she used to wonder who was going to die first out of the group and it was almost her. Howard said she can't die of cancer now because there's nothing left inside her. Howard said fuck that green drink. Robin said she still loves her green drink but that was a let down.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he runs a home care company and they take care of the elderly. He said whenever they have someone from Roosevelt come to them they ask if they knew Howard Stern. He said they always have someone say that their uncle beat Howard's ass. Howard said of course they did. Howard asked if they ever find anyone whose ass he beat. The caller laughed. Howard said he could fight his way out of a fight and run for the hills. Howard said there's nothing more masculine.
The caller said yesterday they were talking about bad breath. He said he wrote a letter to his manager once and he did it anonymously. He said the owner of the company said they had to review the security camera and he had no idea there was a camera there. He said you could see him on camera doing it. He said he lost his job over that. Howard said you can't even tell your boss that they have bad breath. The caller left him with a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and Howard said he has to get to that and more stuff. Howard said he has to take a break though. Howard said he has to get to High Pitch Erik and talk about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Howard said the NY Post did a weird thing where they put a picture of Jennifer Aniston laughing at something like it was her laughing at Brad Pitt. Howard said he thought that was really mean. He said Brad and Angelina are worth like $200 million each and he's not sure why people are so shocked that they're divorcing. Howard said Brad is a dope and Angelina is a weirdo. Robin said they're so pretty that people want to laugh at that. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard asked Wendy if the mattress is still wet. Wendy said it is. She said she just flips the mattress over. She's done that about 4 times. Howard said she just flips it over to more pee. Howard said imagine that mattress. Howard said it's pee and mold.
Howard asked if she wakes up with bites on her. Wendy said she does. Howard said maybe she has bed bugs. Howard said if she shits on the bed maybe they'll leave. Howard said there's a whole ecosystem going on there in that bed. Howard asked if she has showered yet. Wendy said not yet. She still has pee on her. Howard said the smell must be intense. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she ever swipes down there with her finger and smells it. Wendy said yes. She said she has like 5 cats on her bed too. She said they love their momma.
Howard asked if Wendy wipes between her thighs and hip with her finger and sniffs it. Wendy said she does. Howard asked if it smells extra bad today. Wendy said yes. Howard asked if she has ever passed out from the smell. Wendy said yes. She said even her cats bit her food because she peed on the bed. Howard said this is fascinating. Howard asked what she was dreaming about when she peed. Wendy said she was dreaming about Howard trying to get rid of all of the terrorists and they blew up the world.
Howard said Wendy eats a lot of food from the dumpster and she's upset about the bombings in New York. Howard said she's concerned she's going to eat from a dumpster and she'll get blown up. Howard told her if she does find a pressure cooker in a dumpster, don't eat it. Howard let Wendy go a short time later. Howard went to another break so he could recover from that.
Howard came back and said this is some good music. He said he has to get in a band. He said he'll do that as soon as he figures out how to play guitar. Howard said Fred figured that out but he's still trying to get into a band. Howard said he's digging this (Georgia Satellites) song. Howard said he was burnt out on this song years ago but it's a good song.
Robin said the little person on Dancing with the Stars is dancing good. Howard said he hasn't been watching. He said Robin is just a soft touch.
Howard asked if that's the Black Crows. Fred said it's Georgia Satellites. Howard said it sounded like a cover to him. Howard wondered what they're doing now. He said Benjy is wind milling his tits.
Howard said High Pitch Erik is there with his girlfriend. Howard said Erik really did lose weight. Howard said he thought that was impossible. Erik came in and Howard asked how he lost the weight. Erik said he lost like 70 pounds. Howard said last time he was 417 and now he's 338. Erik said he was there and Erik weighed him at 343. He stopped drinking soda and he's walking a lot. He said he's not eating bad food either. He said he had yogurt and iced coffee before he came in today.
Howard asked Erik what he does when he goes out to eat and other people are eating pancakes. Erik said they're no good for him. Howard said he's saying no to them. Erik said they're poison. Howard asked who trained him. Erik said he did it himself.
Howard asked Erik what he had for breakfast yesterday. Erik said he didn't have anything. He only had lunch and it was chicken breast with cheese and mayor. Howard said that's a lot of calories. Howard said mayor and white bread are horrible for him. Erik said he only had one. Howard asked what he had for dinner. Erik said he had two sandwiches and then went to bed. He said he had teriyaki chicken and pepper jack cheese. Howard said he's still eating shitty but less of it. Howard said it's fucking crazy. He said he's still 341 so he needs to lose more weight. Erik said he thinks he could lose another 100. He said he's been trying to do it on his own.
Howard said Erik ate so shitty that he's losing weight. Howard said he was on death's door. Howard asked if he can walk on his own now. Erik said he's trying not to use his walker so much now.
Robin said maybe it's that girl. Howard said he's looking skinny. Robin said he's wearing shorts. Howard said he has nice eyes like Benjy too. Howard said they have a lot of ground to cover with Erik. Howard said he heard the job interview and it was the worst ever. Robin said she only gave Erik a 1. Erik said ''Oh my god.''
Howard asked Erik if he eats pizza from 7-Eleven. Erik said he hasn't had any lately. He said it's not good for him. Howard said he might be able to get Robin now. Howard said maybe Donnie Wahlberg. Howard said Gary bet Erik that he can't lose 100 ponds in 6 months and Erik almost won the bet. Erik owes Gary the 100 but Gary probably won't make him pay.
Erik said Gary offered him 20 bucks to get something to eat last time he was up there and he said no. Gary said he told Shuli that he regretted saying no 20 minutes later.
Howard asked Erik about the stuff he's eating and if he knows that's keeping him from losing even more weight. Erik said he likes eating while watching The Price is Right. Robin said he's on at like 10. Erik said it's on at 11. He said Wayne Brady is on at 10.
Howard asked Erik if he's coming to the Gathering of the Stupid or not. Erik said he will be there. Erik said the only thing is that he'll be stressed out because Elephant Boy is going to be there. Howard said he thought they worked things out. Erik said Elephant Boy stresses him out and he will be stressed out there if he's there. Erik said Elephant Boy called the cops on him and he had to go to court over that. Howard said they had to protect Elephant Boy. Howard said that it will be stressful but Erik is against Marfan Mike. Erik said he went to school with him. He asked what will happen if they get into an altercation. Howard said Erik is afraid he might have to beat Mike up. Howard asked why he would do that. Erik said Mike might bully him and he'd have to beat him up. Howard said they'll both be able to express their points of view. Howard asked what his point of view is on Mike. Howard said Mike is funny to listen to and he has a funny looking head. Howard asked what Erik's issue is with him. Howard said he figured they'd be outcasts and be friends in school.
Erik said when he got a catheterization Mike called Shuli and asked how he's doing. Howard said that's nice. Erik said he's not sure what he has against him. Howard asked why Erik is against him. Erik said he has nothing against Mike. Erik said he has done a lot for Howard's show and he's wondering if Mike will do the same thing. Erik said he's been naked and walked with a dildo on his head. He's done porno and he told Donnie he would blow him. He asked if Mike will do that stuff. Robin said maybe he can do different things. Howard said this is going to be a good gathering. Howard said he's going to have his chance to talk people out of it. Howard said he is challenging Marfan Mike. Howard said not everyone in the Wack Pack does the same stuff Erik does. Robin said Beetlejuice doesn't. Howard said you never know who is going to do what.
Robin asked what's written on Erik's arm. Erik said he played on a softball team and he has that there because of that.
Howard played some audio of Marfan Mike talking about going to school and he was barely understandable. Howard asked if Erik understood that at all. Erik said no. Howard said Mike was saying that Erik had one friend and he was a loser while Mike had a lot of friends.
Howard said Erik was afraid that Mike might take his place in the Wack Pack if he doesn't come to the gathering. Howard said he has to show up if he has reasons he wants to state about Mike. Howard said he's not allowed to fight him though.
Howard played a clip of Marfan Mike doing an impression of Erik talking about his love for Donnie Wahlberg. Howard said he's got a good impression. Erik said he didn't understand a word he said. Howard said it was pretty dead on. Howard said it was a pretty vicious impression.
Howard said they have to find out more about Erik. Howard asked if he has a girlfriend. Erik said she's not his girlfriend. He said they just hang out. Robin asked if he's trying to make her his girlfriend. Erik said she doesn't want to be his girlfriend. Howard said he's going to bring her in. Howard said her name is April. Howard said she sleeps in his apartment.
Erik said he met a girl named Christina out in San Francisco and he slapped her ass. Howard said you can't do that. Erik said she loved it. Howard said he'd be in jail if she didn't.
April came in and Howard said she's an attractive girl. Howard said she has a skimpy outfit on and he appreciates that. Howard asked if she's in love with Erik. April said they're just friends. She said that Erik asked her to come down and help him out when he was sick last winter. Howard asked if there was no physical spark. April said no. She said she knew who Erik was and she wasn't interested in that. Howard asked how difficult it was to tell him he wasn't going to get any pussy off of her. She said she explained it a million times. Howard asked if she was unafraid to sleep in his apartment. She said he just has a room. She said it's like a jail cell. Howard said they sleep in the same bed and don't have sex. Howard asked if it was tough for Erik. Erik said it was. He said he snores too so it was tough for her.
Howard asked April if Erik has tried anything on her. April said he has tried to kiss her. Howard said they were told by Erik that he French kissed her. Erik said he doesn't want to say. He said she told him not to say anything. Howard asked if she tried. April said that when they did kiss it was very wet. Howard asked if Erik put his tongue in there. Erik said he knows what a French kiss is. Howard said April says they didn't kiss. Erik said it felt really good. He said he hasn't felt that in a long time. Robin said not since Donnie Wahlberg.
Howard asked if Erik feels more with April or Donnie. Erik said they're putting him on the fucking spot now. Howard asked who he feels closer to. Erik thought about it and said he feels closer to April. Howard asked if he would rather go down on her or on Donnie. Erik said he would do April first. Howard said he can only choose one. Erik said ''Oh my god...'' Howard said Erik would blow Donnie. Erik said he's putting him on the spot. Howard said it's not an easy show to be on. Erik picked April again. April said she's shocked. Howard said he doesn't believe it.
Howard asked April why she's not into Erik at all. April said she's just getting out of a marriage so she's not interested in anyone. She said they do everything together so she just stays at his place because it's convenient. Howard asked if it's fun to pretend to be with a woman. Erik said it's fun to have someone to hang out with. Erik said he had a nightmare one night and he punched her in the head. Howard asked if that's true. She said that he did that every night she slept in the same bed as Erik. She said he was screaming out ''Fuck you'' and mentioning his sister's name. Howard asked what the dream was. Erik didn't remember. Howard said that's kind of scary. April said it's very scary. She said she sleeps in the bed now and Erik sleeps in a chair.
April said she only had like 4 inches of mattress to sleep on so she had to do something. Howard asked what her game plan is in life. April said she's still living with her husband until the divorce is final. She said she's moving to New York City because she does comedy. Howard asked if she has met Joey Boots. April said she has and she loves Joey. Howard said Erik has punched her in the head and now he's sleeping in a chair. Erik said that's right.
Howard took a call from Fred the Elephant Boy who said that he'll be fine at the gathering. Elephant Boy congratulated Erik on losing all of that weight but Erik didn't understand a word he said. Howard asked if they're going to stick to business at the gathering. Elephant Boy said he has no issues against Erik. He said he has to behave himself though. Howard said Erik has to behave. Erik said he will.
Elephant Boy asked if April has had any problems with Erik getting upset with her. April said she has. She said he went off on her for not picking up her phone when she was trying to catch up on sleep. She said he was texting and calling and then he went off on her on Twitter. Erik said he doesn't know why he did that but he was worried about her. Howard asked what he said about her. She said he said she was fucking everyone in the Wack Pack. She said she has never fucked anyone in the Wack Pack. Elephant Boy said he would leave his hotel room key with her. Howard asked if that would be crushing to Erik. Erik said it would be. Howard asked if she fell in love with Elephant Boy if he would be okay with that. Erik said he wants him to leave his hands off of her. Elephant Boy said he's surprised he didn't say ''fuck you Elephant Boy!'' He said it's always ''I'll kill you'' when he talks to him.
Howard said April had the texts and terrible comments about her. Howard asked what he said about her no Facebook. She said he called her a user. She said she's never used him for anything. Howard asked what she could use him for. April said that's right. Howard asked why she stayed with him. April said she has a lot of patience. She said Erik was saying he was going to pop pills and kill himself. She said he was messaging her brother too. Howard asked why he would do that. Erik said he was trying to get in touch with her. He said he was upset.
April said Erik has chilled out a lot since her friend, also named April, talked to him. Howard said he had no idea here were so many people named April out there.
Howard took a call from Marfan Mike who asked if Erik really can't choose between April and Donnie. Howard said it was tough for him. Howard asked what Elephant Boy makes of that. Elephant Boy said that Marfan is going to have to convince him to vote for him. Howard said he's just decided that the gathering has to happen soon. He said he can't wait.
Howard said it sounds like Marfan Mike is going to get a vote from Elephant Boy. Howard asked Erik who is going to vote with Erik. Erik said Ham Hands Bill is in his corner. Howard asked who else he has. Erik said Wendy is a tough judge. Howard asked Marfan if he thinks he can get Wendy's vote. Marfan said he's not sure. Howard said Beetlejuice and Medicated Pete will be there. Erik said he thinks Pete will go with him. He said he hangs out with Pete. Howard said Gary the Conqueror and Asian Pete will be there too. Erik said Pete will probably go with him. Mike said he doesn't think so.
Howard said the real wild card is Big Foot. Howard said Jeff the Drunk is another one. Erik said he can get Jeff to vote with him. Howard asked Elephant Boy who he thinks Big Foot will go with. Elephant Boy said it depends on his mood. Howard said Sour Shoes will be there too. Howard said Daniel Carver will be there. Erik said he's tough. Howard asked about Tan Mom. Erik said Tan Mom will probably come and leave in 2 seconds. Elephant Boy said she might be too drunk to vote. Howard said it sounds like Elephant Boy is in Marfan Mike's camp already. Elephant Boy said if High Pitch Erik can convince him he'll vote with him. He said he's going in with an open mind.
Erik asked if Mike would do a craptacular. Howard said that's a good question. Mike said no. Howard said Erik might have something there. He let Mike and Elephant Boy go after that.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who said he will be coming in with an open mind. He said he is leaning toward High Pitch Erik though. Sour and Erik said hi and Howard said this is going to be unpredictable. Howard said he's going to abide by the ruling when it goes down. Sour Shoes had cats meowing there. Howard said this is going to be crazy. Sour Shoes started to sing a New Kids on the Block song. Howard said this is going to be wild. Howard said this is like Arkam on Gotham.
Howard asked April if she's in a relationship with Ass Napkin Ed. Howard said he's claiming he could get her. April said she just knows him through Facebook. Howard said Erik finally gets a girl to sleep in his apartment and now everyone wants her.
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who said he has known her longer than Erik and now he's trying to take her. Erik said he has hung out with her before Ed. Howard said he's sleeping with her too. Erik said ''Yeah!''
Shuli came in and said that Ed has known her much longer but they've never met face to face. He said he's only known her through Facebook. Howard said Erik really doesn't want him getting her. Howard said she's not romantic with Erik so he's not sure why he's worried. Ed said that she'd be romantic with him. Erik said Ed has Jasmine Tame. Howard asked April if she's the playmate of the Wack Pack. Howard said it must make her feel very good. April said it does. Howard asked Ed what he's going to do. Ed said he was going to meet her. He said he's going to sleep in her bed. Shuli said they can all crash at Erik's place. Ed said that Erik is stealing from him. Erik said he's not. Howard said Ed has a point. Howard said he has her in the apartment though.
Howard asked if Erik has ever seen her nude. April said no. Howard asked if he's seen her tits. Erik said no. He said he loves her. He said he always tells her that. Howard asked if he has masturbated to her. Erik said no. Howard said come on. Ed said he has so he wins.
Howard said he has Beetlejuice on the phone too. Howard took the call and asked Beet if he's coming to the gathering. Beet said he is. Howard asked if he has any feelings on Marfan Mike. Beet said he looks like a drug addict dude. He said he's in the car driving. Howard asked if he thinks Marfan is weird looking. Beet said he is a funny looking mother fucker. Howard said he's nervous about Beet driving. He said he can't wait to see him at the Gathering. Howard asked if he's going to wear anything special. Beet said he will.
Howard asked how fast Beet was going. Beet said he was going 70 in a 30 zone. Erik asked where he was going. Beet said something and it wasn't clear what he said. Howard said it's hard to hear him. He told him to drive safely. Howard let Beet go after that.
Howard played an promo for the Gathering of the Stupid. Howard said he wants it to happen now. Howard said he's kind of anxious for it to happen sooner rather than later. Howard said he wants to get back to Erik and April though.
Howard asked Erik if he wants to have sex with April. Erik said that he does if she does. Ed said maybe the three of them can do something. April said she was supposed to get together with him last week but she had to cancel. Howard said Erik has to ask Ed not to move in on his girl.
Shuli asked April why she would make plans to meet up with Ed knowing the way Erik feels. April said she's just looking for people to hang out with. She said that it was a lonely 11 years being married. Robin said Erik has to make some moves or Ed will move in on her.
Shuli said he asked Erik if he would be okay just being friends with April. He wasn't sure. Howard asked if Erik would marry her. Erik said he would if she wanted to. Erik said he asked her mom if he could take her hand in marriage. Howard asked if the mom ran out of the house screaming. Erik said she said she has no say in that. April said her mom just laughed it off.
Howard said there's also a woman in Atlanta who Erik is in love with. Shuli said Erik also proposed to her in recent weeks. Erik said she is a very sweet girl and she cares about him and loves him. Howard asked who he would marry. Erik said he doesn't want to get these two involved. Howard asked if he tweets to Jolie incessantly. Erik said they talk about sports. Shuli said Jolie is a very nice woman and she's in a care taker industry so she helped him with his weight loss. He said Erik is obsessive. He said he's the first to reply to anything she tweets. He said she's a Braves fan so Erik is a Braves fan now. Erik said he loves both of them.
Erik said he and Gonzo went to Atlanta to meet Jolie. He said she's a great friend. Shuli said he's into her romantically as well. Erik said he's not into her romantically. He said she just looks out for him. Howard asked if he wants to fuck April over Jolie. Erik said he's in a ''love trice here.'' Howard asked what that is. Erik said he doesn't know. He meant love triangle.
Howard asked what happens when two women are grossed out by the same guy. Erik said they're not. Howard asked if April has done anything romantic with him. Erik said that they kissed but that was it.
Howard asked Erik who he would grab if April and Jolie were on a sinking boat. Erik said he would save both. Howard said he can only save one. Erik asked him not to do this to him. Howard said they're both in the water and he has to save one. Erik said he's putting him on the spot. Howard said Donnie is in the water too. Erik said he'll save Donnie. Howard told him to forget Donnie. Erik said he took Donnie out. Howard said he has to save April or Jolie. Howard said he knows his mind is going to one more than the other. Howard gave him 3 seconds to come up with an answer. Erik didn't answer. He said he's putting him on the spot. Howard said he looks more confused than ever. Erik said he would save Jolie. Howard asked if April is upset about that April said she's not at all. Shuli said no one wins in this. Ed said he's save April.
Howard let Ed go and said Erik has to be masturbating to her. Erik said ever since she's been hanging out with him they take walks together and things like that. He said they hang out and it's just someone he hangs out with. Howard asked if he thinks about his penis going inside her body. Erik said he never asked her. Erik said he thinks about it. He said he's scared to ask her. Howard said now is the time to ask. Howard said now is the time to get real and ask. Erik asked Howard to be his wingman.
Howard asked if he thinks about taking her top off and touching her breasts. Erik said yes but you have to respect women. Erik said he'd pull her close to him and take her top off and then unhook her bra if he knew how to do it. Howard asked if he's ever done that before. Erik said he hasn't. Howard said she's right there so he's helping him out. Howard said they're in his closet style room and April is a consenting woman. He hasn't punched her in the face or anything. Howard said they kiss and then he removes her top. Then he touches her breasts. Erik has to ask her to take her bra off. Howard said she's braless and her mini dress is on. Howard asked if he's going to take it off. Erik said he wants her to leave it on. He said he'll kiss her first.
Howard said April talks about masturbating a lot on her Twitter account. She said she did it once while Erik slept. Howard asked if Erik knew that. Erik said no. Howard said she was masturbating in his bed. Erik said he didn't know that. Erik said he'd take her shirt off slowly. He said he'd kiss her breasts. While this was going on Fred started to play Nine Inch Nails ''Fuck You Like an Animal.''
Howard asked Erik what happens after the kissing. Erik said then she takes her bottoms off. He said then he takes his shorts off. Howard said now they're getting somewhere. Erik said she'd take her panties off while he watches. Howard asked if he has a full erection now. Erik said yes. He said he won't watch while she takes them off. He said that's being respectful.
Erik said they'd have sex after that. He said he'll cum inside her in like 2 seconds. Howard said he'll give her a baby. Erik said he'll have safe sex. Howard said he's a romantic. He asked how he's going to do her. Erik said she'll be on top of him. He can't do missionary because he'll break the bed.
Howard said there you go. He said now he can look at April and ask what she thinks. Erik asked what she thinks. April said he's just her friend. She said too much craziness has gone on. She said she took him to Albany and she was at her friend's house who she bangs and Erik got upset when he pulled her close to him. She said Austin came in and said Erik was gone and her car keys were gone. She said she had a mini stroke. She said Erik slept in her car for two nights while she was fucking Austin. Shuli said he was crying in the car too. Erik asked what will happen if she falls for Ass Napkin Ed. April said she'll have to find out. Howard asked if he heard them fucking. Erik said he didn't. He said he was in the car before it happened.
Howard said if April would be with Ed over Erik. She said she might go with Ed over Erik because he has never acted crazy to her like Erik did. April said that she won't be with either one though.
Howard asked Erik why he changed so he can control himself now. Erik said he's behaving himself better. Howard said miracles do happen.
Howard said this has been fascinating. Erik said he won't go crazy on April ever again. He said that way maybe they can have a relationship. Howard said he was watching Bachelors in Paradise and this woman didn't like a guy but she had a change of mind. Howard said maybe April will change too.
Erik said he took April to a baseball game and he threw out the first pitch. Erik said he bounced it to home plate but he threw out that pitch.
Howard said that's an update on Erik. Robin said he lost 70 pounds and he can't get April. Howard said he can't get Jolie either. Erik said he wants to say thank you to Jolie for watching out for him too.
Howard gave Erik some plugs and said you can find him on Twitter @HPErik1971 if you want him to do any video or audio greetings. Shuli said he has people contacting him all the time asking why he's not getting back to them. Erik said he just did a couple last week. Howard asked April to help Erik out with that maybe. Erik said she has to help him register to vote. He's going to vote for Trump because he's more healthy than Hillary. Howard said that the republicans might want to cut his benefits though. Erik said he had better not fuck with him. Howard said Erik might be the first thing he cuts. Erik said he better not.
Shuli said that Erik had some choice words for Mayor de Blasio after the bombings last week. Erik said that he sucks as mayor. He said he can't do anything right. Robin said it's funny he has advice for someone who actually does something.
Howard said Erik is also going to be on season 7 of Blue Bloods. Howard said he has a plug for a cigar place in the city. Erik said that's his buddy. He said that he gets to roll cigars there. Shuli said he has a shopping bag full of cigars out in the green room. He said they're not in a humidor or anything so they're all stale. Erik said he likes to smoke them while watching Blue Bloods.
Howard took a call from Mayor de Blasio (the guys in the back) and he set Erik off. He asked how much it costs to wish his son a happy birthday. Erik said it's 50 bucks. Mayor de Blasio told him to take that money and shove it up his ass. Erik argued with fake de Blasio for a minute. April actually said she would sleep with him over Erik. Fake de Blasio said he fucks black chicks so you know he's good.
Robin asked if April has ever seen Erik naked. April said she has but only on Howard TV. Fake de Blasio went off on Erik again and said with him every girl is a squirter. Howard let fake de Blasio go a short time later. Erik told him to support the cops. de Blasio told him to support himself. Howard let him go after that.
Howard asked if Erik gets paid to work on Blue Bloods. Erik said he does. April got in a plug for her stand up gig at Dangerfields. Howard asked her to tell a joke but not do a 9 minute Dirty Johnny joke like Norm Macdonald did the other day.
Howard asked April to tell her joke. She said she's bisexual and bipolar. Howard said that's pretty hot. She said that depression sucks but she's made a lot of friends at the psych ward. She said they're the original Suicide Squad. Howard said that's pretty funny. He let her do a little more of her act. Howard said Erik didn't laugh once. Erik said her stand up is funny. Howard said he should have laughed at it. Howard said he laughs when Beth tells a joke. He had Erik do a fake laugh for the comedy.
Howard asked if April is sleeping at Erik's tonight. April said she is. Howard asked Erik if he's going to be able to leave her alone if she meets Ed and likes him. Erik said he might have his feelings hurt. Howard said he might have to block her on Twitter. Erik asked if she's going to still see him. April said she will be friends with him no matter what. Howard said they'll have to see if he can behave.
Howard said he's going to be Ass Napkin Ed. He did an impression of Ed and told Erik he fucked her in the ass. Erik said he just fucked her last week. Howard said he did not. Erik said he did. Howard said Erik is lying. Erik said he doesn't know what happens when she's at his house. Howard said good for you Erik. Robin said he's just going to lie. Howard said they have leaned nothing today. Howard said they met Erik's love April. He said it was nice meeting her. Howard said good for him. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and asked how great this (Van Halen) song is. He said he loves the story of Van Halen. He said they were huge with David Lee Roth and then they sold even more with Sammy Hagar. Howard said they got cocky when they got Gary Sharone in. Howard said he read Sammy's book and it was good. Howard said Robin has to get back into the recording studio. Fred played a few clips of her singing.
Howard said on Monday Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are going to have a debate. Howard said they had to find someone to debate with to practice. Howard said on the phone is Hillary Clinton and the guy they hired to practice debate with her. Howard said it's Yucko the Clown and Hillary. Howard said Yucko finally got a job.
Howard got Yucko on and asked how he's doing. Yucko said shitty as usual. Howard said he's going to put Yucko and Hillary on together now. Howard got fake Hillary on the line. Fake Hillary was coughing and said she chose someone like Donald Trump to practice debating with. Howard asked Yucko if this is going okay so far. Yucko told the dopey twat to bring it on.
Yucko and Fake Hillary went back and forth with their jabs. Yucko said her snatch is dragging even more than she is in the polls. Hillary had some lines about Yucko and goofed on him for being broke, divorced and unemployed. Howard said this is going horribly. Robin said she's impressed that Hillary is holding her own against Yucko.
Howard kept it going and let Yucko and fake Hillary go at it for a minute. Howard asked who is winning. Robin said she thinks they're neck and neck. Howard told Yucko to keep going. Yucko and Hillary had a few more lines about each other.
Howard asked Robin who won. Robin said she thinks Hillary finally got in a big zinger. Robin said she told him to leave the clown outfit on when he commits suicide and he won't have to leave a note. Howard said he thinks Yucko lost it toward the end there. Yucko said he hopes Trump builds an oven around Howard's kikey ass. Fred thought Hillary won. Benjy said he thinks Yucko got too emotional. Hard said that's what Trump might do. Howard thanked Clinton for calling in. She said she has to go. Howard said Yucko lost. Yucko did his High Pitch Erik impression and said ''fuck you dick face.'' Howard asked if he has anything to plug. Yucko said they have DamnShow.com and the Brickleberry comic book issue 3 coming out soon.
Howard played some audio from the podcast and said he knows Perez is gay but this is very gay. In the clip Booker asked how Perez was doing. Perez said he's sad and feels empty. He said he's heart broken and questioning his world. Perez was talking about how long Brad and Angelina have been together. He said his web site started when they got together. He said in May 2005 he was the first media outlet to publish the first photos of them together. He said there was so much interest in the photos that it crashed his web site.
Howard said Perez claims that he came up with the name Brangelina. Howard played some audio of him talking about that. He said he needs credit for that. Howard said he'll give him credit. He said he loves Perez. He said he was the one who fingered Benjy.
Howard said on the phone is Spoken Word Robin who has a poem about Brad and Angelina. Howard took the call from the guys in the back who had edited together some clips of Robin into a poem. Howard thanked her for the call. The guys kept playing clips. Howard said Nick Cannon does very angry spoken word but Robin is much angrier. Howard let her go after that. Howard said she's one of his favorite characters.
Howard said that's a pretty good one. Robin said his voice is so distinctive you'd think he'd recognize his own voice. Howard said he can do another one if Robin wants to hear it. He said he has Underdog Lady talking to Shuli about a private gig she has set up. Robin said she has to hear that. Howard said Underdog also weighs in on Fonzie being a false god and things like that.
Howard said Underdog Lady has someone booking her for a private performance and this story is full of ''what the fucks.'' Howard played the clip and Underdog was telling Shuli about a party she's going to do an Underdog number at. Howard said god bless Shuli for dealing with this. Underdog said she has to do about 10 minutes of an act. Shuli asked if she has that much material. Underdog said she has a brace on her ankle so she can't dance so she'll have to do ''showcase posing'' instead. Howard said he's not allowed to talk to her so Shuli has to do it.
Howard said Underdog thinks he's the devil. He said she had a whole theory on Fonzie too. He said he might be with her on this. Howard played the clip and Shuli asked her about Henry Winkler and she said he was made a false god in Happy Days. She said he avoided the draft in the show too. Howard asked if that's true. Shuli said he has to take her word for that. He said that he also stuck up for his black friend at the diner and she still says he's a false god. Howard said she's saying that Fonzie became god like and it jumped the shark. Shuli said she has a theory on the whole cast of the show. He said she has a take on every character. She likes some of the characters. Howard said he would have thought she would like Fonzie. Shuli said she didn't like Chachi because he was all over Joanie.
Shuli said that Underdog did that appearance and the guy didn't even pay her. He said she didn't even get a meal out of it. Howard said that's not right. Shuli said she broke down The Munsters too. He said she liked Marilyn on the show but she thought it was all fucked up because Grandpa was related to Herman but Dracula wasn't related to Frankenstein. Howard said you just have to suspend disbelief when you watch the show.
Howard played a clip of Underdog talking about how it was recently the virgin Mary's birthday. Underdog mentioned she goes to a singles club. Shuli asked her to sing Happy Birthday to Mary but she refused. Underdog sang another song for her instead. Howard asked how he can make this his ringtone. Howard said she has a sweet voice. She was singing Ave Maria. Howard said it would be great if you played it backwards and she told Shuli to kill all the innocent.
Howard asked if he can get invited to her singles club and find out what's going on there. He said he needs to find out more. Howard said they renamed that club to the permanently singles club. Robin said they've never lost a member. Shuli said they've been going to dinner for over 25 years as a group.
Howard asked if she's ever had sex. Shuli said he would bet everything that she never has. Howard asked where that singles club meets. He said he's going to show up. Robin said he should have gone when he was single.
Howard said imagine the devil appears at the singles club and he walks in. Howard said he'd dress up like Fonzie. He asked if she was a fan of Joanie's on Happy Days. Shuli said she thought she freaked out too much. Howard said that she's saying that the Cunninghams were fucked up too. Shuli said she was talking about her life too. He said she's told him that her dad wasn't happy with her dancing to Underdog.
Howard said if Shuli was single he'd make her go on a date with her. Shuli said he told his wife about going to this gathering and his wife looked at him and said ''please don't have sex with this woman.'' He said he asked her if she was serious. He said she thinks if Howard asked him to fuck her that he would do it.
Howard thought he had some audio of Underdog talking about Joanie from Happy Days but it was Underdog freaking out about not being able to put her seatbelt on when she went on a drive with Shuli. Howard went to break after that.
Robin said that yesterday they found out Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have split. Howard said he heard she caught him cheating with a co-star in a movie and that's how they met. Robin said yesterday they said no one else was involved. Howard said that's right. Robin said today they're saying that he was cheating. Howard said there was a story about Brad smoking too much weed. Robin said that Angelina wants sole custody of the kids and she's going to allow visitation for Brad. Howard said this is her third marriage now. Howard said Brad is a really good looking guy who just wants to chill. He said he's no genius. Robin said they say that George Clooney found out like the rest of them did. Robin said he's a good friend but he didn't know. Howard said Brad's penis is going to have a fun autumn. Howard said he's going to lock his wife up. He said everyone should. Howard said he's in a love trice. Fred played the clip of High Pitch Erik saying he was stuck in a love trice.
Robin read a story about Wells Fargo. Robin said they're looking into some shenanigans that they were up to. Howard said he has Brad Pitt's penis on the phone. He took the call and Brad Pitt's Penis said he can't believe what he's in for. He said it's going to be like a pussy tornado. Howard asked if he'll get more than Leonardo DiCaprio's penis. Brad Pitt's Penis said he's been hitting the punching bag to get ready. Howard spent a little more time talking to Brad Pitt's Penis who said he's getting more pussy than the North Shore Animal League. Howard let him go and said he had Angelina Jolie's labia on the phone but she hung up.
Robin read more about Wells Fargo and what they're accused of doing to customer accounts. Robin said they were moving money around and they were causing people's accounts to be overdrawn. Robin said this was employees who were doing it. Gary said they're saying that it made it look like they were doing more business. Robin said they were hitting people with late fees and other fees. Robin said they were doing all kinds of strange things with customer accounts. Robin said it seems to her that no one goes to jail for this. Robin said this is stealing. She said the CEO is just apologizing for the scandal. Robin had some audio of the CEO apologizing. Robin said they fired a bunch of people for that. Howard read it was over 5000.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Eric the Midget tribute was great yesterday. He said he really misses that little guy. Robin said she was thinking about the people calling Jon for Eric's underwear. Robin said that would have made Eric so angry. Howard said it sure would have. The caller said Howard knew something was up with Eric from the first time he called in.
Robin read a story about something called a Ham Dog that's coming to the United States. Robin said it's on sale in Australia already. Robin said it's a hot dog like sausage made of beef. Robin said the creator wants to bring it here by next year. Howard asked if Jason and Jon are interested in that. Jason said he would try it but he can't tell if Jon is into it or not.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he was looking over Robin's 21 revelations and he forgot about some of them. Howard asked what he's talking about. Jason said on the web site they have 21 revelations from Robin's book for the anniversary of her book. Bobo asked Robin about flashing a guy in a car once. Robin said it was a compulsion she had. She said she didn't do it. She just had the thought. Howard asked if she's sorry she put that in the book. Robin said no. Bobo said his favorite was a story about Robin meeting a pimp who tried to turn her into a prostitute. Howard said it's boring when Bobo does this stuff. He played a Bobo song parody and let him go.
Howard played a phony phone call where they had a fake Judge Judy call a store to find a new gavel. She asked the clerk to hit the gavel on something. She had the clerk saying ''Please approach the bench!'' and hitting the gavel harder and softer. She asked her to play ''Wipe Out'' with the gavel. The woman played it but she didn't sing. The clerk said she had to go after that. Howard said there's actually a gavel store out there. He said Judge Judy is a big get for them.
Robin read a story about how Radar Online has identified an A-list actor who is in a pedophile sex ring. Robin said the actor was not named but they say that the person raped Corey Haim who has since died. Robin said they say that he's one of the most recognizable people in the industry. Howard said it can't be Bill Cosby. Robin said that's true. She said it's sad if that's the case. Robin said it's another icon going down possibly. Howard said it might be a blind item that doesn't go anywhere. Robin said that would be a shame if nothing happens to that person.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's trying to practice his Japanese and he'd love to hear more from Lee Kingsnatch. Howard said he never knows when he's going to call in but he will take his calls when he does. Howard said Lee is wonderful. Howard had Lee on the phone after that. Howard said they know so little about Lee. Lee said he's over in Japan teaching Japanese to Americans. He asked Howard if he has had this thing called intercourse. Howard said he has. Howard said he assumed that he was in a relationship with a man. Lee said he was quite the poon hound in his day. He said he had intercourse with so many ladies vaginas. He said his dick used to spray like a fountain. He said he's had so many Geisha's in his life. Howard asked if he's the only one who has made that mistake. Lee said he is and his cock is worn out like a dish rag. Lee asked Robin if she wanted to learn another phrase in Japanese. Lee said this is how you say ''I'm a world famous traveler.'' He had her repeat after him saying ''Ima Worldfamous...'' something. Howard let Lee go after that.
Robin read a story about a police shooting and protesters blocked an interstate for a while. Robin read a story about people who had to be treated for injuries. Robin read a story about how PCP was found in the vehicle of an unarmed man who was shot by a police officer.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that there's a suspicious package in Times Square right now. Mariann said they shut down Times Square. Mariann asked what they're going to do now that they're living in a nightmare world. Howard said he knows. Mariann said she has such nerves in her stomach. Mariann said listening to him makes her feel better. Howard asked what's going to make him feel better. Mariann started to answer but Howard hung up on her.
Howard asked if that story is true. Gary said they did find a package at a McDonald's. Robin said 42nd street is closed. Robin said the object in question is a small rolling suitcase. Howard said the other day he and Robin got caught up in traffic there in the city and they weren't able to move for an hour.
Robin read a story about the alleged bomber Ahmad Khan Rahami and had some audio of some officials talking about what's going on with him. Robin said they say that the father called police on his son 2 years ago. Robin said the two homeless men who found another bomb are being rewarded. Robin said they have a GoFundMe account that has raised $12,000 so far. Robin said one of the guys says he's not a hero. Robin had some audio of the guy saying he just did the right thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has an argument about why they should not postpone the Gathering of the Stupid. He said all of these guys are on borrowed time. Howard said he has a point there. He said Erik has lost a lot of weight though.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he wants to come down and show Ronnie his Rolex with diamonds. Howard laughed. Howard said he's got the worst phone connection. King said he's on his Bluetooth. Howard said Bluetooth is radio's enemy. Howard asked why he wants to come down. King said he wants to show Ronnie he has something the cost of Ronnie's bathroom on his wrist. King laughed when he said that. King said he got a new nose too. He said Howard has to see it. He laughed again. Howard said he has nothing to do all day now that he's retired. Howard asked what he does all day. King said he eats some Cinnamon Toast Crunch and then goes and gets a coffee from Dunkin Donuts. He said he goes to look at cars and shit after that. Gary said Ronnie is out there yelling he's doing it with his daddy's money.
Howard said they say the suspicious package was just an empty suitcase. King asked why everyone is so scared. Howard said people don't know the suitcase is empty. He said he has to go. King told him not to do that to him. Howard said he has to leave because he's been there 4 hours. King asked if he can come next week. Howard said he has to check the schedule. Gary said King is showing everyone the Rolex on Twitter. Howard said he's proud. Howard let King go. He said he just has to hang up. He said he tries to be polite but the guy won't hang up.
Robin read about an Eggo recall for possible listeria contamination. Howard said that's disgusting. He said they're like the consistency of cardboard. Robin mentioned something about a yogurt recall. That got Howard talking about Siggi's and his dad talking about eating yogurt.
Robin read a story about a study done that found smoking can damage people's DNA permanently. Howard said Keith Richards' DNA must be gone completely. Robin said they say that some damage doesn't go away. Robin said she and Howard could have permanent damage. Howard said he's sure he does. He did LSD and smoked.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump having a town meeting at a Cleveland church today. Robin had some audio of someone talking about the upcoming town meeting. Howard had some fake Trump clips he played where he was saying some wild stuff. They had some real Trump clips as well. Robin read some details about Trump using charitable donations to settle some lawsuits he had.
Robin read about Hillary Clinton winning the cash war against Trump. Robin said she raised about $60 million in August. Robin said she has about 68 million to spend between now and campaign day. Robin said Trump has about 50 million to spend over the next couple of months.
Robin read a story about a mom who called police on her toddler who wasn't wearing her seatbelt. Robin said the 3 year old unbuckled her belt so the mom called the police. Howard said his parents would just threaten to leave him on the side of the road if he misbehaved. Howard said the police must have been annoyed.
Robin said Chris Darden is finally admitting that he and Marcia Clark were more than just friends. Howard said he figured everyone knew.
Robin said they say that Alexis Arquette was battling HIV and she was battling it for 29 years. Robin said she died earlier this month.
Robin read about Bill Murray and his brother bringing out a line of golf clothes. Robin said they want the game to be more fun so they're bringing out this clothing line. Howard said you never know what Bill Murray is going to do next. He said he never thought he'd have a clothing line. Robin read about some of the designs they have coming up. Robin said the full line comes out on October 21st. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Here's what they replayed on today's replay show:
Today's show was over around 11:10am.
Here's what they played on today's replay show:
Today's show was over around 11:15am.