Howard started the show doing an announcer voice and saying he was Harry Harrison. Howard said those were the days when you could say one line and be a star. Robin said the one thing was coming up with that line. Howard said Imus had a duck sound effect. That was his thing.
Howard said they have Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump coming in to debate each other. Howard said it doesn't make sense but they're there and they're going to do it. Robin said it's great they're giving them the platform to do it.
Howard said he didn't see the Game of Thrones finale. Robin said it was good. Howard said sometimes the finale is a let down. Robin said it's really good but not as good as last week's episode. Howard said he just wasn't able to stay up last night. He said he's missing his coffee thing. Howard said he'll try it when they're on vacation. He said he'll experiment and give Robin an update.
Howard said his mom called over the weekend and she's not sure if she's upset about the Brexit thing over in England. Howard said it upset her but she wasn't sure why. Howard did his impression of his mother and had the conversation he had with her on the phone. Howard said the world is crazy. He said it's filled with crazy people. Howard said we think the world is crazy but the audience might be crazy too. Robin said she knows they are. Howard said anyone who is crazy isn't even listening. Howard said the thing he's sure about is the Zika virus.
Howard said his mom being upset is the default thing for her. He said it's such a bummer. Robin asked Howard about himself. Howard said he's upbeat compared to her. Howard said he called her and asked what's going on. He said she talks about how upset she is. Howard said that's when it starts. They had a cousin who died so that was upsetting. Howard said he went to Brooklyn to pay his respects. He said it took him a long time to get there because of the gay parade and all of that. Howard said his cousin Melvin died. Howard said his mom was upset about that. He said she's always upset. He said sometimes she's not even sure why she's upset.
Robin said she didn't know she was so involved in European politics. Howard said it just upsets her and she's not sure why. Howard said he asks why and she says she doesn't know. Howard said he doesn't know what it means. He said he knows some of the details about the Brexit thing but he doesn't know it all. Howard said the people of England are saying they didn't understand what it all meant so they want to go back.
Howard said they sent Wolfie to England to find out what's going on. Howard played a clip of Wolfie asking a British guy some questions about that and other things. Howard said the British always think they're smarter than us and they think they have more of a world view. Robin said if you go over to one of those countries they know all of the presidential candidates running over here. Howard said they don't know that much if they voted for Brexit. Howard asked what they know anyway. He said just look at their bad teeth. Robin said they use the word cunt a lot over there too. Howard said it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here.
Howard played another clip of a British woman talking to Wolfie. She was talking about fat people in Florida. Robin said they really are shocking down there. Howard said if these British people had teeth they could chew with they'd be fat too.
Robin said she had a friend over who lives in England. Howard asked if she slipped into her British accent. Robin said she didn't but her friend did. She said she's not British but she lives there so she slipped into it.
Howard played another interview Wolfie did with a British guy who said the N-word is his favorite curse word. Howard said that word seems to be loved around the world by racists. Howard played more of the interview and Wolfie asked if the guy knew who Howard Stern was. The guy said he's a right wing, racist, cunt. Howard said they don't know jack shit over there. Howard played another interview clip where Wolfie asked if Howard could be a hit over there. The guy said no way. The guy was also talking about Caitlyn Jenner saying that geezer is fucked up.
Howard played some bagpipe playing from over there. He said he can't handle that. He asked how that's music. Howard said it's supposedly hard to play but it's just awful. Robin said you have to blow up the bag and keep it going.
Howard said even Gary makes fun of the British teeth. He said he has no right to do that. Robin said they are really bad over there. She said at least Gary's are in line.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's glad we don't speak like the British. He said they are friendly though. Howard said they have been our closest ally. He said that they haven't gotten to the point of hating us. Howard said you look around at places like France and see they're a bunch of pussies. Howard said sometimes a good ass beating can make people your friend. Howard said we did that to England and the caller said the Japanese too. The caller said he thinks the radiation from the bombs kept them short over there too. Howard said in a few more years they'll be the size of Beetlejuice.
The caller said he has a negative person in his life like Howard's mom. He said they're always down on things. Howard did a little bit more of his mother's voice talking about negative stuff.
Robin asked if Howard has learned to let some things go. Howard said no he hasn't. Howard asked what's going on with the phones because he can't hang up on this guy. He said every couple of weeks the phones go kablooey. He said he's not sure why this happens when he's on the air. He said it's fucking weird to him. The guy hung up since Howard wasn't able to do it.
Howard asked what's going on with the phones because it's the same thing every time. Howard said no one does anything about it. He said they had a meeting about it. Gary said he thought it was a Verizon problem. Howard said he has Verizon and he never has any problem. Howard said the phones are fine except there. Howard said he bets everyone else there has phones but not him. He said he's so sick of this. He said it's always when he wants to take calls. He said he doesn't know why he bothers getting up in the morning. Howard said he'll go find out what's going on with the phones. He said maybe that will just upset him like Brexit upset his mother. Howard said he doesn't even know what it means. He said he started to read about it and he was practically ready to hang himself. Howard said he doesn't know what to think about it. He said some people who are bright are saying it's a good thing and some say it's a bad thing. Robin said the world will adjust. She said it always does. Robin said she's not sure why people get so concerned. Robin said we always adjust. Howard said not always. He said he can't think of anything so he'll have to think about that for a few minutes.
Howard said a lot of people like when they put together these songs. Howard said the other day Underdog Lady had a problem with her seat belt when she rode with Shuli. Howard played a clip of her grunting and crying over the seat belt. Howard said it's almost the same cadence as ''Whole Lotta Love'' by Led Zeppelin. Howard played the song where they took Underdog's grunting and played it along with the song. Howard said it's almost the same. Howard went to break after that.
Howard asked Benjy what kind of cake he had last night. Benjy said it was chocolate. Howard said he was thinking about Jon Hein and the Chick-Fil-A milkshake. Howard said Jon was going to eat that after a chicken sandwich and waffle fries. Howard said it was going to be a shake with crushed Oreos in it. Howard said he was denying himself over the weekend and he told his wife if they want to get fat that's what they're eating. Howard said he was sidetracked by Benjy's trough of food over there. Howard said he didn't finish his commercial. Howard finished it up after talking to Benjy about how he should be thin at this time of year.
After the commercial Howard came back and said the phones should be fixed now. Howard said Benjy asked if they can do a weight loss challenge. He said if he loses he says he'd go through a sex transition. Benjy said he would go through it and get a vagina. He said his intention is to win. Robin said Benjy bailed and begged to get the finger in the weight loss thing. Howard said he would do two fingers from Perez this time. Benjy said that's anticlimactic. Howard said Benjy is saying he'd have his penis removed and have tit implants. Benjy said he would do whatever Caitlyn has done. He said he'd become a woman. Robin said she had a nose job and had her Adam's apple shaved down. Benjy said he won't get a nose job. Howard asked if he'd get implants. Benjy said that's on the table but they have to agree to it all. Benjy said he has to find out what the stakes are. Howard said Bruce Jenner lost a bet so that's how he ended up like that.
Benjy said if he won he'd want his own show on the channels. Howard asked why he has to be punished. Robin said maybe a week's worth of shows and if it works out they could extend it. Howard said maybe. He said he really doesn't even care. He said he doesn't care if he loses weight.
Howard said he should get Erik on the phone. Howard played another one where Eric was wishing happy birthday to rapists out there. Howard said they had him saying other things but those were the best.
Howard said he has a couple of things. He said he sent an email to David Spade about the movie he did with Adam Sandler. Howard said he finally watched The Do Over. Howard said Robin will giggle at it. Howard said it's so stupid but he means that in the best way.
Howard said a movie studio sent him a movie to watch and it was really fucking good but the DVD ended halfway through the film. He said he's not going to watch screeners anymore. Howard said this movie had Bryan Cranston and John Leguizamo. Gary said it's The Infiltrator. Howard said they sent him the movie and he's halfway through it and it bombs out. Howard said he was enjoying it and he wasn't able to see the whole thing. Howard told Robin about what the movie was about.
Robin said she saw a great movie this weekend. Robin said it was called ''Race'' and it was about Jesse Owens. Robin said it was a really interesting story. Howard said he doesn't want to see that. Robin asked if he knows who that is. Howard said of course he does. He said that's a boring story for him. He said he won't watch it. Howard said he loves Jesse Owens but he won't watch it. Robin said she wasn't going to watch it but it turned out to be fascinating. Howard asked if she was the only black person there. Robin said she was. Howard said it was all of the white people who wanted to watch it because she was there. Howard said those people want to watch Roots with her next week. Robin said it was a very good movie. Robin said a man lost his life because he lost those races. Robin said they put him on the front line in the war. Howard said that's a shame a Nazi lost his life. Robin said he shook Jesse's hand in front of Hitler and Hitler didn't like that. Robin said they sent him right to the front line.
Howard asked who plays Jesse Owens. Robin said she doesn't know his name. She said he was very good thoguh. Howard said that seemed too heavy for him so he didn't watch it. He had the screener.
Robin said they didn't talk about Hitler much in the movie. She said they had some guy with a funny moustache on his face. Howard asked when The Walking Dead comes back. He said that's all he cares about. Robin said it comes back in the fall. She said Fear the Walking Dead is good. Howard said he wont watch that.
Mariann from Brooklyn was on the line somehow. Howard asked how this is happening. He asked what's going on with the phones. He still had Danielle and some guy was on the line too. Howard said Mariann is so annoying. Howard said she won't shut the fuck up. Howard asked how Mariann is on the line. Mariann said she's pinching herself. Howard said his mind is totally blown. Howard said he's so pissed. He asked the guys what's going on out there. Howard tried to put her on hold and it didn't work. Howard accidentally hung up on Danielle. Howard hung up on Mariann too.
Howard said Alexander Graham Bell is rolling in his grave over this. Howard said the gremlins are out today. He said it's like the Howard Stern party line.
Howard said the point is with that song that he thought they found her because they asked her about gun control and things like that. Howard played a clip of Sal and Richard asking her about things like that. Howard said you can't understand a word she's saying. Howard said she's like a Klingon.
Howard said all versions of ''La Cunte Calda'' are up on HowardStern.com Howard said they have Julian Velard's version up there too.
Howard played a phony phone call a phony Robert Plant made to a pizzeria placing an order by singing the order with Led Zeppelin songs. They went to break after that.
Howard said Beth told him to let Scott design it. Howard said it dawned on him to let the guy do his thing. Howard said he does this crazy thing that he could never do. Howard said he had an exhibit set up and people stick their arm through a glory hole and he puts whatever he wants on their arm. Howard said they trust him to do it. Howard said there's video on YouTube of it. Howard said he was watching it and it was crazy.
Howard said Apple was dropped off in an Apple box at North Shore Animal League. Howard said they stuck with her name. Howard said she had no fur and she was a mess. Howard said he took the worst case from the place. Howard said she had to be on medication. He said she got healthier and healthier. Howard said her fur grew back and everything. Howard said she died and to commemorate her they got the tattoos. Howard said he wasn't going to get it but he did it.
Howard said he's shocked that the needles don't bother him. He said he thought about getting one for Riley Martin. Howard said Robin should get this. He showed her his Bianca tattoo. He said he likes the font. Howard said even Scott Campbell thought it was a good one. Howard said he was going to give him his arm because he doesn't like the tattoo on his arm. Howard said he went out and got the zodiac symbol for Capricorn. Howard said it's dumb. He said he doesn't care about it and he doesn't know why he got it on his arm. Howard said it was brownish. He said he realized what an idiot he is for getting it. Howard said he hates astrology so much. He said he hates it when people ask what your sign is. He doesn't care about zodiac. Howard said he wants to take them and smash their head into a wall.
Howard said he's sitting there with a zodiac sign on his arm now. Howard said he thought it would look cool. He decided to cover it up with a dragon. Howard said that was over the Zodiac. He said the dragon isn't very dragonish. He said he thought about having Scott do something. He said it was getting late though. He said he let Beth go first and that was stupid because he gets more and more exhausted. He said he was cranky at the time. He said he just wanted it on there real fast. He said they take time to put on though.
Howard said he may make an early appointment with Scott to have him do something with that dragon tattoo. Howard said the guy has a hot wife. He said he looked him up after and he saw how hot she is. Howard said she's one of Beth's favorite actresses. Howard said Scott is into painting and other things too. He said his apple looks like an apple. He said he didn't walk out with anything crazy. Robin said she sees he's covered in tattoos. Howard said he is. Robin said he's like a sample wall. Howard said it looks good on that guy but it wouldn't look good on him.
Howard's phone had a reminder and he said it's not a good day. Howard said he has to see what kind of reminder it has. Howard said he liked reminders at one point but now he doesn't. Howard said there's a lot of stuff. He said the thing is going crazy. He said it's reminding him from Pinterest and he's not even on that.
Robin said Scott's wife is Lake Bell. Howard said that's right. She's hot. Gary said she's fairly well known. Howard said Beth likes her a lot. Gary said she's beautiful. Howard thanked Gary for that update.
Howard said the newer fans don't know about Riley so they can learn from that. Howard said Riley called in 20 years ago and told them about how he had been abducted by aliens. Howard said he has some of Riley's first call to them in 1996. Howard played the clip where Riley talked to them about being picked up at the age of 7 by aliens.
Howard said Riley wrote a book and he claimed he had been abducted 11 years after the first time. Howard said he wrote a book and then started selling hand drawn symbols to get people on the mother ship. Howard played another clip of Riley talking about the symbols. Howard said he got one and threw it right out. He said that kind of freaked Riley out.
Howard said they wanted to find out if Riley approved of smoking weed. Howard played a clip of Riley saying of course he smokes weed. Howard played another clip of Riley talking about having sex with aliens. Howard had another one where Riley talked about the 9 children he had here on Earth and with aliens.
Howard said he has a clip of Riley talking about how someone snuck on his property and planted 2 acres of marijuana. Riley said he cut them down and hung them up in a barn. They all laughed at him. Robin said he was the best. Howard said he really was.
Howard said Riley claimed someone planted pot in his pickup truck. He played a clip of Riley talking about how that happened. He said he was rushing down to the precinct to turn it in and he ran out of gas. Riley said he needed to sell it to get money for gas. Howard said he spent time in jail too.
Howard said the best part of Riley was the endless arguments about what he should get paid to do a show there. Howard said they asked him to do a show there and he was convinced his salary was going to be a million bucks. He said he went ape shit when they gave him like $200 a week. Howard played a clip of Riley going off on him about that salary. Howard said he made $98 a week when he got into radio. Howard said this was endless and he thought it was great.
Robin said they ended up just getting berated and not getting great stories anymore. Howard played another clip of Riley calling him a ''Sucklemuckagus'' and calling Robin names too.
Howard said that special is on all week next week on Howard 101. Howard said that starts on Saturday. Howard said they interviewed Riley's wife Joy recently. Howard had some audio of her talking about how she heard Riley's voice and how she fell for him. Robin said that was bizarre. Robin said she seemed like a normal woman. Howard said she is part of the special too.
Howard said it's great busting balls with Riley. He said they had Richard call Riley as ''Meepzorp'' the alien and then Wendy the Slow Adult called as an alien from a retarded planet. They had Bihavio the gay alien call Riley too. Howard played audio of those phony phone calls.
Howard said that he liked when they gave Riley and Eron fake shout outs. Howard said those shout outs were the best. Howard played some examples of those where they read names like Willy Fistergash, Hugh Jassole, Sofonda Cox and Eileen Ulick.
Robin asked what Eron is up to. Howard said he thinks he's still running Riley's site. Robin said she wonders where Riley is right now to ride along with us when the world ends.
Howard played a clip of Riley talking about some things and the guys put some music behind him. After that he played a phony phone call Richard Christy made to a radio show using Riley Martin audio clips. They played a song parody about Riley too. They went to break after that.
Howard said he thinks the phones are working now. Robin said she has some big news for him. Howard said he knows what it is. He said the average penis size is 5.16 inches. Robin said Howard is a giant among men. Howard said he is larger than a majority of men. Robin asked how you go that much growth and don't pass out. Howard said he will never show a woman his flaccid penis. He said he is packing something apparently. Howard said they say girth is 3.7 inches. He said he refuses to measure that. Howard said he's 6 inches long and thin as a pencil. He said he doesn't know about girth.
Robin said that wasn't her announcement. Robin said a stable is opening in Manhattan. Howard asked who would care about that. Robin said she does. She said it was inconvenient because you can't have one there. Robin said now you can walk around in Central Park. Howard said just pay the homeless to ride their backs. Howard said that's what he does.
Howard said Robin had other people take care of her horse. Robin said when it was in Manhattan she took care of it herself. She said she treated it very well. Robin said they say this stable will house 20,000 horses. Howard told her not to do it. Howard said we'll see what happens with that.
Howard said enough said on that topic. He picked up the phones to see if they were working. He had Mariann from Brooklyn on the phone. He told her to calm the fuck down. Mariann said Ellen Degeneres has her 360 up and running already. She asked where Howard's is. Howard said he can't even get the phones to work so how is he going to have 360?
Howard said JD wants to make a big announcement about the fast food restaurant. JD said they're adding Chorizo meat to their menu down there. JD said if Robin is announcing that then he's announcing that. Howard said that's some big announcement.
Howard said on the phone he has Andre the horse trainer. Andre said that they had to make glue out of the horse. Howard hung up on him pretty quickly. Robin said Blaze used to raise his hoof to beg for carrots. Robin said everyone marveled at that. Howard said when Robin gets sick of riding then the horse is left alone. Robin said she had to move it to New Jersey where she wasn't able to get at it. Howard said go to the new stable and play with other people's horses. Robin said she may do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said last night's Game of Thrones was the best of the season. Howard said he doesn't want to know. He said not everyone can stay up and watch it. Robin said she has fallen prey to the After the Throne Show. Howard said maybe he should watch that. Howard said he still doesn't know any of the names on the show.
The caller asked if Howard has tried the Game of Thrones beer. Howard said he doesn't drink beer. The caller forgot Howard doesn't drink it. The caller said he turned some people on to the show. Howard asked if he was black. The guy said he is.
Howard said he has $500 cash from Dietz and Watson meats and cheeses to give away so he's going to play the Beetlejuice Sex Terms game. Howard said he'll give a sample question. He said the caller has to get 5 right. Howard said they will ask Beetlejuice if he knows what a rim job is. Howard played Beet's answer which was ''It's when you put rims on your cars.''
Howard said they've had the sample and here's the next one. They asked if he knows what a blow job is. The caller said he thinks he will know that. Robin agreed. Howard played Beet's answer which was ''It's when you got a dick stuck in your mouth...''
Howard said they next thing they asked Beetlejuice was ''what's a clitoris?'' The caller, Ryan, said he thinks he won't know that. Beet's answer was ''before you have sex and before you do something stupid.''
Howard said they asked Beetlejuice what a golden shower is. Ryan said he thinks Beet will not know that one. Howard played Beet's answer and he knew that's when people pissed on.
Howard said you never know with Beetlejuice. Howard said they asked Beet what a condom is. Ryan said Beetlejuice knows that. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she thinks he will know. Fred said he doesn't think he'll know. He said it's too evolved for him. Fred said he did know golden shower though. Ryan said he's going to say he does know what a condom is. Howard played Beet's answer which was ''people wear it when people have sex and shit.'' Ryan won the $500.
Howard asked what he's doing with the money. Ryan said he's going to buy 3 houses. Howard got in a plug for the sponsor and put Ryan on hold.
Howard said he has to go prepare for the big debate. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said at the podium they have (fake) Bernie Sanders and (fake) Donald Trump. Howard welcomed Trump. Howard said Senator Sanders has said that anything can happen at the convention so he's hoping they can make him the nominee. Howard said he has never been a moderator of a debate. Trump said Howard is impartial. Bernie said that he's the only one who both of their campaigns agreed to moderate. Trump said they had to share a hotel room. Bernie said they are trying to cut down on expenses.
Howard said they have to get down to it now. Howard said Sanders makes a lot of noises so he's going to ask that he not interrupt Mr. Trump. Bernie said he gargles Milk Duds to get his voice ready. Howard said they had six coin tosses back stage and Bernie lost all 6 so Trump goes first.
Fake Trump said he wanted to get the crowds in there because they have thousands and thousands and millions and millions of people out there. He said it would be amazing if they could all get in there. Trump talked about how he's going to do a sea wall with Chris Christie. He said he calls Canada White Mexico. He said they always apologize too.
Howard said the buzzer went off for Trump. Robin said Bernie was waving his hands. Howard said he did remain quiet during that. Bernie said he hears music in his head and he likes to conduct along with it.
Trump said he wanted to call Ted Cruz ''Special Ted'' like that retard Stephen Hawking. Howard said he's on fire today. Howard said it's going to be very hard for Bernie to beat him.
Bernie said Trump reminds him of Chucky from the Child's Play movies. He said if you vote for this man you are voting for a Hitler or even worse a Kissinger. He said he can not win.
Howard asked Bernie what his opening statement is. Bernie gave a speech about how he was inspired by Kennedy. He said that he thinks people would be inspired to vote for a man with the craziest accent ever. Bernie said some people think he's running for the Muppets. He had a few jokes about the Muppets.
Howard asked if Trump is freaking out over this. Trump said of course he is. Trump said they can't have this unbelievable socialism going on.
Bernie and Trump went back and forth debating various things. Bernie said people say he didn't win but in some demographics he did. He gave some wacky demographics for Whole Foods votes and people who have bicycles as their main transportation and people like that.
Howard asked Trump if he has anything like that. Trump said every participant in the Houston 500 voted for him. He had a few other odd groups. Trump said all of the Mexican's who are his furniture in his house voted for him too.
Bernie said a few more things and then the buzzer went off. Bernie kept going for a short time before he was stopped from rambling about who he won with.
Howard said now they get to the questions and answers in the debate. Howard said he'll go to Mr. Trump first. He asked Trump how he will bring unity to the republican party. Trump said he went to Warton and he knows all of the big words. He said he knows every word. Trump said we need unity. He said ''Uni'' means one in Latin and ''ty'' he doesn't know what that means. Trump said they're going go burn down the congress and have one president and one leader. He said we have to eliminate our enemies. Bernie said he will nominate Rosie O'Donnell for supreme court and he will run it like The View.
Bernie talked about what he and Secretary Clinton have in common. He said they agree that the soup or salad should come out before the meal. He said that they should also tip on the full value of the food that comes out. Howard said that's interesting because trump is accused of not bringing common ground to the republicans.
Trump said they have better crowds than Bernie does. He said that he's going to bring the crowds. Bernie said he has the bigger crowds. Trump said he pays people to come to he has a bigger crowd. Howard asked Trump about senator Sanders' wife. Trump said she gets very wet but she smells like a swimming pool fart. Bernie said he and his wife have a very loving relationship. Trump said he loves his wife too. He said she was the first out of the shipping crate. He had to pick through a bunch of bruised and damaged women to get to her. He said she's almost paid off too.
Howard asked Bernie if he would tax Trump's wealth. Bernie said they would tax what he owes. He said he would also levy a tax on micro aggressions. Trump said his are all macro.
Howard asked Trump what he would do with ISIS. Trump said we have to get rid of them. He said they're in Italy and they're known as Italian ISIS. He said they have to get rid of them.
Howard asked Sanders what he thinks about ISIS. Bernie had a few words to say about them as well. Trump said they need to get the young Muslim men focused so they'll get them into camps where they can get them to focus and concentrate. He said they'll call them concentration camps.
Howard asked if Bernie would legalize marijuana. Bernie said he would and he would legalize Whipits too. Trump said he thinks Bernie is a total loser and these people had better line up behind him.
Howard said Trump's butler says that he plays Hail to the Chief when he's in a down mood. Trump said Melania actually plays Hail to the Queef so that's not true.
Howard asked Trump if he still believes a woman with a small chest can't be hot. Trump said he does. He said women with small breasts need to enhance them. He said they have to be in proportion. Howard said Trump said he could have slept with Lady Di. Trump said he actually did. It was in the tunnel after the crash. He said he was the one who made them crash and he had a great final passion with her. He said she told him to end her so he did.
Bernie said he has not had sex with British royalty. He said he did have sex with Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast though. Bernie hacked something up and Howard said it sounds like Bernie just vomited in his mouth. Bernie said he's just considering some legislation.
Howard said he's going to mention some women's names and get Trump's thoughts on them. He asked about Michelle Obama. Trump gave her a 6. Bernie had some thoughts on her as well. Trump knocked Heidi Klum down last year. Trump said she made a big mistake by leaving Seal because he was so fucked up that it made her look better.
Howard asked Trump and Bernie about Richard Simmons and the rumor that he's transitioning. They had a couple of thoughts on that.
Howard asked if Bobo is a superfan. Trump said no way because you can't just half listen. Bernie had some thoughts on Bobo too.
Howard asked Bernie what his first 100 days in office will be like. Bernie talked about a few things that he'll do and one of them is Netflix for everyone with just one password for everyone. Howard asked Trump about his first 100 days. Trump said in the first 10 days he'll be bored and he'll have someone else handle things. Trump went over a few other things that he'd be doing.
Howard said this has been some debate. Howard said he wants to find out who won. Robin said Bernie referred to Trump as ''Mr. President'' at one point. Bernie said he was referring to Howard actually. Robin said that doesn't make sense either. Trump said he promises a nuke in every continent. He said he's a rebuilder so he can rebuild them all too. Robin said she thinks she'd give this debate to Donald. Trump said he'll give her a $50 after the debate is over.
Howard asked Fred who won the debate. Fred said the American public won. Howard said this concludes the debate. He said he'd like to introduce who these two are. Howard said a lot of people think it's really Bernie and Trump. Howard said Trump was played by Anthony Atamanuik and Bernie was James Adomian. Howard said he learned about these guys through Colin Quinn. Howard said they're so fast it's quite remarkable. Howard said they go around and do shows as Trump and Bernie. Howard said they do a ''Shout the Vote'' show. They said they make things up and maybe 40 percent of what they do is made up. He said they have Mark Hamill moderating their debate in London soon.
Howard said James does a lot of voices. He said he does a Jesse Ventura. James broke into that voice and had a conversation with Howard as Jesse Ventura. Howard had Jesse talking about the various conspiracy theories that he believes in.
Howard asked Jesse if Obama is a Muslim or a shape shifting lizard. Jesse said he doesn't know either one to be true but he'll listen to any crazy old man on a mountain talk about it. Howard asked who he endorses. Jesse said he has endorsed both Trump and Sanders.
Howard continued the conversation for a few minutes. He said these two boys are on top of their game. Howard said that was some impression James just did.
Howard asked how Anthony came up with the trump impression. He said he just tried it. He told Howard about how he does the impression. Howard said if he wins he has 4 years of a great career. Howard said Colin Quinn told him that these are the guys. He gave them some plugs and asked if they have a lot of hits online. The guys said they do. Howard asked if they think they're the best impressionists doing Trump and Sanders. They said they don't really listen to the others so they don't know. Howard said they're hard impressions to do.
Howard asked James if he does a Paul Giamatti impression. James said he does and he did it for Howard. Howard asked if there is anyone else out there who does a Giamatti impression. James said he doesn't know. Howard asked him to do his Gary Busey impression too. He did that for a few seconds and Howard wrapped up and went to break.
Howard came back and said he loves this song. He let it play a little longer. Howard asked if Ozzy writes the songs or just does the lyrics. Fred said he thinks Lemmy wrote some of this. He said that he may have had more to do with it than Ozzy did.
Howard said he doesn't know how to break it to Robin but the 20,000 horse thing isn't real. Howard said that's how many horsepower the storage place is going to have when it's filled with cars. Howard said it's not going to be a horse stable. Howard said they're selling car space. Gary said it's actually a car club. Robin asked what a car club is. Howard said if you have exotic cars you put them there. Howard said he thought that was a weird announcement. Robin said she was very excited about it. Howard said that's so funny. Robin said she just read the sign on the West Side Highway. She didn't know it was horsepower and not horses.
Howard read the article that mentions the car club. Howard said Robin made a special announcement. Howard said thank god they're not going to have horses there. Howard said if she wants he can saddle up Gary and she can ride him around.
Howard said Vin Scully is retiring. Howard said they were saying goodbye to him on some show and one guy got choked up saying goodbye to Vin. Howard played the clip and there was some emotion there. Howard said Vin started bashing socialism during the game. He said he must feel really liberated now. Howard played the audio of Vin talking about that during his last broadcast.
Howard said that's fucking weird. Howard said that's an interesting concept. He said he thought they were going to put Rush Limbaugh on football. Robin said they did it and it failed. Howard said Ringo Starr loves saying Peace and Love'' and they love goofing on it. He said his birthday is on July 7th and advocating that everyone at noon on that day say ''Peace and love.'' Howard said he's kind of busy to do something like that. Howard said the guy is turning 76 and he looks good for his age. Howard said Ringo seems to think that it will affect the environment if he says it. Robin said they did the Hands across America thing and Howard held Clarence Clemons hand. Howard played the audio of Ringo talking about the peace and love thing. Howard said he thinks maybe 12 people will do it.
Howard read more email about the spelling bee and asked Sal why his kids have the letter A as their first names. Sal said that was just something his wife was into. Howard said he saw a ton of porno in his office when his kid was back there. Sal said he didn't see it. He said he kept it under his desk.
Howard said Ronnie is looking good. He said he looked okay to him. He read some email about Ronnie's looks. Howard said someone said he has a new hair do. Sal said he has a new beard style. Howard asked if Ronnie is going to a stylist of some kind. Ronnie said he does it himself. He said he is coloring his beard but just a little bit. Howard asked if he got a tan. Ronnie said he was outside working on his house. He got a tan. Howard asked if he worries about skin cancer. Ronnie said he's old so he doesn't care.
Howard talked to Ronnie about trying Viagra at some point. Ronnie said he did try it and he was rock hard. He said he's told him about it before. Howard read more email about Ronnie and let Sal and Ronnie go after that. Howard called Ronnie back and asked if he was okay with the spelling bee. Ronnie said he was. Howard said someone called him out for spelling so slowly. Ronnie said he was doing an imitation of the kid. He said he even said he was going to do it.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if they can get Shuli on an investigation. She said she thinks that little boy is the emotional friend's kid. She said that boy is too smart to be Sal's kid. Howard moved on to the news after that.
Robin started off with a story about last night's BET awards. Robin said it seems like they were rather political. Howard asked if there were white people there. Robin said they do award some white people. Howard said he's never gotten anything. Robin said they're mostly singers who get awards. Robin said some actors too. Robin said they did a Prince tribute thing. Robin said there were a lot of politics in the show too. Robin had some audio clips for Howard to play.
Howard asked if anyone watched the show and if it was embarrassing. JD said he did and it was. JD told Howard about what Erykah Badu was up to on the show. They spent a little time talking about her and what she was doing. Howard asked about this guy Bilal who is supposedly Prince's friend. JD said he's not a huge Prince guy so he doesn't know about that. Howard played more audio from the show and Fred threw in some of Benjy's screaming over the screaming in a Prince tribute song. Howard asked if Jennifer Hudson was good. JD said she was but it took her forever to get into the song. He said she was really slow. Howard tried to do an impression of her based on JD's description. He started ''Purple Rain'' like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said JD is wrong about this Bilal guy. He said he's underground and he's very talented. He said he can make his voice go up and go deep. JD said he wasn't saying he wasn't talented. He said it's just not for him.
Howard played more clips from the Prince tribute. He had some of Mayte's performance. Howard spent a short time talking about her. That led to them talking about Nicole Richie and how she was raised by Lionel Richie. Howard said that was a really strange story. He said he had her on the show he still couldn't figure out the story.
Howard read that Nicole is Sheila E's biological niece. Howard said he doesn't get why you'd give your kid to Lionel Richie to raise. Howard said that's strange. Howard said maybe she'd be better off with The Kinks or something. Howard said that Lionel is all about ''Dancin' on the Ceiling'' and stuff like that. Howard said give him to Led Zeppelin or someone like that. Howard said he'd rather be with Garfunkel. He spent a few more minutes talking about how weird that whole Nicole Richie story is. Howard asked what's up with Lionel taking a kid in like that. Robin said that was nice of him. Howard said it is but it's strange. He talked about some people his parents could have given him to. He did an impression of his father passing him off to Clarabel the clown. Howard said maybe he could have been given to Foghat or Flock of Seagulls who then passed him off to Nickleback.
Robin got back to more BET awards news. Robin had more clips for Howard to play. Robin said Usher came out wearing a ''Don't Trump America'' shirt. Robin said some other people got political with their speeches. Robin had some clips. JD stuck around and commented on some of the stuff he saw on the BET awards. That led to Howard talking about the size of Kim Kardashian's ass and how it's too big for him. He said he likes a shapely ass but that thing is just too much. Fred said you could park a car in that ass.
Robin read a story about Justin Timberlake and how he was called out about not supporting the Black Lives Matter movement but he's been influenced by black music. Robin said people were upset with Justin for panning Prince's music. They played more clips from the BET Awards and spent a few minutes talking about some of the stuff they were listening to. They spent a few minutes listening to Jesse Williams' speech and talking about him. Howard did a live commercial read after that. Robin had one more BET Awards clip for Howard to play when he was done with that.
Robin read a story about the supreme court throwing out an abortion law that could have shut down abortion clinics in Texas. Howard said he read about a woman who was going to have a baby who would have been still born or something and she went to get an abortion and she would have had to wait 4 weeks to get it done. Howard said that would have been too late to get it done. Robin read some details about this law they were trying to get passed. Howard said he'd fix all of that if he was president. Howard said he'd have drive through abortions. Howard said you have the right.
Robin said Jon Bon Jovi is doing a DirecTV commercial and she's not sure what's going on there. Robin said he sings about some feature they have that lets them ''turn back time'' with the DVR. Robin said she loves Jon but she's wondering what he's doing.
Robin read a story about a woman who is battling stage 4 cancer and she had a dinner at Jon Bon Jovi's restaurant. Robin said what she didn't know is that she was going to meat the owner there. Robin said Jon gave her a kiss on the cheek which surprised her. Howard said he's a real good dude. He said he's feeding people and visiting people. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin said Gary put something on Facebook. Howard can't see it because he's been unfriended. Robin said Aziz Ansari put something in the NY Times and Gary shared it on Facebook. Howard said he's glad he's not on Gary's Facebook. He said he doesn't need that stuff. Howard said he saw that story all over the place. Robin said Gary was particularly moved. Howard goofed on Gary doing an impression of him. Robin said Aziz Ansari fears for his family because they are Muslims. Robin read some of what he said in that article.
Howard said he saw the picture of Gary's son graduating with a vinyl record on his head. Howard said he sees it all even though he's unfriended. Howard said he's not supposed to see that stuff. He played a Baba Booey song parody. Howard said he sees it all because he's friends with Gary's wife. He said he's friends with all of his friends so he can see it all. Robin read more of the Aziz Ansari article. Robin said she thinks Gary liked it because there was math in it. Gary said he'll her why he liked it. Howard said he doesn't want to know. He played a Baba Booey song parody.
Robin read a story about teenagers sleeping in late during the summer. Robin said doctors say parents shouldn't let them sleep as long as they want. Robin had audio of a doctor talking about how they should only be allowed another hour or two of sleep or it will be very hard to adjust when they go back to school. Howard said he went to bed at 8:30 last night and he was up at the break of dawn.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump's campaign and how it has a money problem. Robin had some audio of Mitch McConnell talking about that. Robin said they say Hillary Clinton has about $120 million.
Robin had some audio of Hillary talking about the British exit from the European Union. Robin said Trump was over in Scotland had they didn't want to leave.
Robin read about a defamation suit against Cosby being dropped after a judge said it could go forward. Robin said the woman accused her of lying about him raping her and she wanted to prove that she could get the case to go through. Robin said she's dropping it and trying to move forward with her life. Howard said he doesn't understand all of that stuff. Howard said Cosby said ''One down, 75 to go.''
Robin said today is national HIV testing day. Robin read about what they say about how often people should get tested.
Robin asked Howard about driving and if he is afraid to do it. Howard said he's not afraid but he doesn't really like driving. Robin asked if he thinks he'll know when he should stop. Howard said no one knows. Howard said he can't wait for the cars that drive themselves. Howard said he wants it to be safer.
Robin said John Oliver had something to say about Brexit on his show last night. Robin had a clip of Oliver ranting about it. Howard said he wishes he could talk as fast as that.
Robin read about how Finding Dory was number 1 at the box office again. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show playing a clip of their announcer Mad Dog Russo telling them who is coming up on the show today. They have Lenny Dykstra coming in. Howard thanked Mad Dog and said Lenny's new book has been on the front page of the paper for the past few days. Howard said he was into baseball for a while and he was watching when Lenny was playing. He said he was a Mets fan. Howard said he used to watch the games and Lenny was one of his favorites. Howard said he was such a hard player. He said when they traded him it was sad. He said he thinks they were sick of his shenanigans. Howard said they know everything about all of the players today with social media. He said back then they didn't know much but he has an unbelievable story.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said he went to high school with Lenny. He said he wanted to ask him if he got more pussy in New York or Philly. Howard said he will ask him on his behalf. Robin asked who he went to school with. Howard told her Lenny Dykstra. Robin asked if that's what he really said. Howard said that's it. Howard said Lenny chose baseball because he was able to make more money playing that. Howard said Speech Impediment Man has his radio on and he's on the air. Speech Impediment Man started to plug something and Howard hung up on him.
Howard said there's a story that Lenny tells in his book about being in rehab and he'd disappear for a month. He said instead of going to rehab he'd go out and fuck a ton of girls. Robin said that's a form of rehab.
Howard said with Speech Impediment Man he was in the same school with Lenny and he got hit in the mouth with a bat by Lenny so that's why he sounds like that.
Howard said they have the first interview with Lenny today. Howard said he has quite a colorful past. Howard said he stopped watching baseball when he transitioned into a woman and started watching the Bachelorette. Howard said he got to watch Game of Thrones yesterday. He asked Robin who the kid was the week before who got shot by the arrow. Robin said that was one of the Starks.
Howard said there's a woman on Saturday Night Live, Leslie Jones, who watched Game of Thrones with Seth Meyers and she was very funny telling that kid to zig zag so he wouldn't get hit by the arrows.
Howard took a call from a guy, Chad, who said he's noticed one of the most popular porn things these days is MILF porn. Howard said he watched one the other night and this mom is with the daughter and the daughter says Bobby is coming over and the mom says she's going to teach her how to do things with her boyfriend. Howard said the mom gets all sexed up and blows the boyfriend when he comes over. Then the mom tells the daughter what to do and tells her to play with her vagina. Howard said they blow the guy together so they do it right. Howard said Bobby just sits there like he's retarded. Howard said that's the move in porn now to keep the guy quiet.
Chad said he knows exactly what he's talking about. Howard asked if he uses YouPorn. Chad said he uses Bing to search for porn. Howard said he has learned a lot about how to blow a guy from these videos. Howard said this could have bad social implications. Howard asked how the daughter feels about her dad if the dad is out of town. Howard said they sometimes say the dad died.
Howard said in one video the mom is living with the step son and he catches her beating off. Then the next thing you know she's blowing the step son. Chad said you do have to move on.
Howard said the step moms are so hot. Howard said when a porn star plays a mom they're like 30. He said it's so great. Chad said the porn stars he's loved turn into MILFs and that makes him feel old. Howard said the porn stars have giant tits with a little bit of a belly. He said the daughters will have a flat belly and that's important to him.
Howard said he could talk about this all day. He said he's not sure of the names of the MILFs. He said he was talking to Richard and JD this morning and they were telling him about some new type of porn they discovered. Howard said JD told him they were watching ''stuck porn''. It's where the chick gets stuck with her hand in the drain in a sink and the guy comes in to help get them unstuck and he fucks them because they can't move. Howard said this is a huge category of porn now. Howard said he's kind of intrigued now. He said tomorrow he'll play some of that.
Howard said he loves the fake cab driver series where girls get into a cab and they fuck the driver. Howard said they have fake agent porn.
Chad said he saw a daughter swap porn. He said some guys get into an accident and they swap their daughters instead of going to their insurance companies. Gary said Shuli told him about seeing one where a woman gets stuck trying to sneak in a window and the sons fuck her while she's stuck.
Howard said he thinks about what his grandchildren will be beating off to. He said he figures it'll be projected in front of you and it'll be like it's real. Chad said there is virtual reality porn. He hasn't tried it yet though. Howard said he's very stealth when he's jerking off. He said it's too risky to jerk off when someone is home too.
Chad asked if Howard covers up the camera on his computer when he's jerking off. Howard said he does. He uses his iPad for that.
Gary came in and said that they interviewed a porn star once and she told them that she thinks that eventually the star will cut herself and the guy will fuck the wound. Howard said that's disgusting. Howard said that some strippers think guys want to see them do gymnastics on stage and that's not what guys want. Howard said no one cares about that. He said they don't care if they can stand on their head while they're on the poll.
Howard said Sal told him he beats off next to his wife in bed while she sleeps. Chad said that's sad. Howard said there was this girl Kesha Grey who was interviewed for the AVN awards. He played a clip of her talking about how she laughed when a guy farted during a scene. She said she stayed in the business after that and she's glad she did because she won.
Howard said there are a lot of anti-Jenna Jameson people in porn. Howard said he's not sure why that is. Chad said maybe it's because she converted to being Jewish. Howard said he doesn't like the goofing on Jenna Jameson. Howard played a clip from the AVN awards and one of the porn stars was talking about Jenna spreading her legs for everyone in the industry and said she was sober but then said she wasn't. Howard said there is a documentary about her converting to Judaism. He said he'd watch that. He said Benjy told him she's been tweeting in Hebrew.
Howard played another clip from the AVN awards where one of the winners was talking about how she can't eat her own pussy when she was accepting her award. Howard said that's some award show.
Howard had some audio of Riley Reed and Mick Blue accepting an award. Howard said Riley was winning a lot of awards at the AVNs. Howard played another clip of a woman, Abella Danger, winning and breaking down crying over it. Howard said she was back stage crying after that. He said it means a lot to them when they win. She was still crying and thanked god for her win. Howard said there isn't a lot of thanking Jesus at these awards.
Howard said you don't go into the business to work hard. Robin said it is hard work. Howard said when he has interviewed porn stars he asks how much they get and it's like 5 grand a scene. Howard said it's not a real lucrative thing. Howard let Chad go after that. He said it was fun talking porn with him. Howard said that was Chad from Missouri.
Howard said they had the Homeless Lady cut an intro for them. He played that and she mentioned Lenny Dykstra but it was almost impossible to understand. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said see how polite she was. Howard said even if you listen to the show for the phony phone calls you'd be impressed. Howard said that woman stayed on the line the whole time. Robin said she even said her own dad would do something like that for her. Howard said Robin's dad didn't buy her lingerie.
Howard said Charlie Sheen was on the talk show circuit. Howard said he refuses to come in there though. Howard said this is the one thing in life Charlie is afraid of. Howard said think of the things he's been up to. He said it's complete anarchy but he can't come in there. Howard said Gary called to book him for the show once and Gary could hear Charlie in the room. Gary said they never give a real explanation. Howard said the reason he's doing interviews is because he's promoting a new condom.
Howard said Charlie was on the Today show and he was promoting this condom thing. Howard played a clip and Charlie was talking about how he didn't inform everyone he slept with because it was for the right reasons which were the fact that he was being shaken down by everyone so he didn't want them shaking him down. Matt Lauer asked Charlie other questions about his child custody and finances too.
Howard said Charlie was in Sweden and he was promoting the condoms. He said over there he got annoyed and didn't want to deal with it. He said he gets annoyed and it's really funny. Howard played that clip and Charlie was asked about getting diagnosed with HIV and he got annoyed with the woman. Charlie said he felt like his life was over but he realized it wasn't. The interviewer kept asking about that and Charlie asked if she was still in journalism school. He asked if she can move on to something else. Howard said Charlie selling condoms is like Jason selling diet books. He said this woman is asking about HIV and he wants to move on. Howard asked what other topic you talk to Charlie Sheen about. He said it is a big thing in his life.
Howard said he liked that interview. He said the condom commercial is the best though. He played some audio from that commercial and said this is Robo-Charlie. He asked who wrote this? Charlie is talking about how simple it is to wear a condom and prevent some grief in your life. Howard played a commercial parody with a Charlie Sheen impersonator talking about how you have to wash your dildos after using them. Howard said he should teach us about responsible sex.
Howard said he has a clip of a Charlie Sheen town hall. Howard asked what's up with that. No one was telling him. Gary said it was an old bit they though might be relevant. Howard played the clip and it was a commercial for a town hall there at SiriusXM with a Charlie Sheen impersonator talking about crazy stuff.
Howard said he forgot about that bit. He said that's a good one. Howard said Charlie is like an elder statesman of pussy. Robin said they don't know if he's going to stay on the straight and narrow. Robin said he has gone off it before. Howard said he's capable of anything. He said that guy had it made. He said he had a movie career and then that TV show where he was making millions a week. He said he just couldn't keep it together. Howard said he could have had one or two girlfriends. He said he just couldn't do it. Howard said now he's Mr. Responsibility. Howard wondered what they're paying him to be a condom spokesman.
Howard said everyone loved Trump vs. Bernie yesterday. He said that was a lot of fun. Howard read some email feedback about that segment. Howard had a bunch about those two and he said he found them on YouTube thanks to Colin Quinn.
Howard read some email about the Riley Martin rap he did yesterday. Howard had some positive feedback about that and the retrospective that starts this Saturday and runs all next week on Howard 101. Howard said Riley's first call to the show was 20 years ago.
Howard read some email about High Pitch Erik and someone thinks that he's gay. Howard said someone suggested that he pay in cash at restaurants so he can avoid the new credit card machine. Howard said he's not doing that.
Howard said everyone liked political Gary yesterday. Howard said Robin noticed Gary had some political views on his Facebook page. Robin said she went on the Wrap Up Show to encourage Gary not to feel inhibited. Gary said she told him not to be so she can continue to mock him.
Howard said he has a song parody from a woman about Robin. He said they don't get many of those. Howard played that one and the woman was pining away for Robin in that. The song was to the tune of ''Jesse's Girl.'' Howard went to break after playing that.
Howard said the other big freak out was Bill Simmons who came on the show with Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said Bill got his own show on HBO and Ben Affleck was on cursing a lot. Howard said it's HBO so you're allowed to curse and he got a lot of criticism for that. Howard said he fucked the Nanny so what do you expect? Howard said people expect him to act like the President. He said they must think good looking people shouldn't curse. Howard said you see Ben and Jennifer Garner holding hands and walking on the beach. Howard said he fucked the nanny. Howard asked how many holding hands sessions you have to take before she forgets about that.
Howard played a clip from the Bill Simmons show where Ben kept cursing. Howard said it was on HBO so what do you expect. Howard said he likes when people are themselves and not prepared by a PR person. Howard said that's how he'd expect Ben to talk. Howard said get him in there to talk about pussy. He said this guy is a good guest. Howard played another clip of Ben cursing while talking about the NFL and Tom Brady.
Howard said it's funny when you ask a celebrity about their life they don't talk about then they open up about football. Howard said maybe they should talk to people about sports to get them to open up. Howard played another clip of Ben cursing and Bill said next time he comes on they should bring Tom Brady on the show.
Howard said that's an edgy mother fucker. He said he's watching football and playing cards and fucking the nanny. Howard said then he goes to Hawaii and holds hands with his wife. Howard said that has to be a weird move. He said he's doing it for the kids. Howard said Ben is so good looking that he can fuck the nanny and still hold hands with his wife. Howard said he could never pull that off.
Howard said that Ben Affleck is the one he wants playing Batman. Robin said that guy won't come on this show just like Charlie Sheen. Howard said that he won't but Lenny Dykstra will. Howard said he'll be in at 9 today. Howard said Ben is another good guy they'd like to have on the show. He said that he'd ask him about holding his wife's hand for the first time after the Nanny thing. Howard said Lenny was bolder than any of them. He said he bets he fucked Ben's nanny. He said you never know. Howard said Arnold fucked the nanny. Robin said he fucked the housekeeper. Howard said that's right, he went old school. Howard said that's some hard core stuff. He said he'd be too afraid of getting caught and Robin would goof on him.
Howard said Jennifer has to be thinking about the hand that Ben has on her and if that's the one he used to finger the nanny. Howard said the world has changed a lot. Robin said everyone is trying to have these conscious uncouplings.
The caller said he is a sheriffs deputy and he arrested a kid yesterday. He said the kid was about 16 and he put the spotter on him and his eyes were shot out. He said he gets him up against the car and cuffs him. He said the kid says Baba Booey a few times and he let the kid off the hook. He said he had him call home to have someone pick him up. Howard said that's very nice. He let the caller go after that. Howard said maybe that will set the kid straight.
Howard took a call from Bobo who let out a ''Whoop, whoop.'' Bobo asked Howard about back in the day when he worked at WNBC and where the fuck HR was back then. Howard said they were in on it too. Howard said they wanted him to quit. He said there was no Human Resources back then.
Benjy sighed and Howard said he forgot to shut off his microphone. Howard asked what he's eating over there. Fred told Howard about how it was gone already. they goofed on Benjy for a minute.
Shuli came in and said that Bobo was adamant about sucking Howard's dick. He said he had a conversation with him about that and he would blow him if he had a gun to his head. Bobo said he would take a bullet for Howard.
Howard said he has a voicemail that Bobo left. As soon as he played it Bobo said ''reiterate'' and it sounded like ''reinerate.'' In the voicemail Bobo talked about how he would blow Howard if he had to but it would be against his will. Howard asked if he thinks he can deep throat all six inches of him. Bobo said he's not sure about that. Howard played a song parody about Bobo after that.
Howard asked if he'd swallow his cum. Bobo said there's a line in the sand he can't cross. Howard asked if he was forced to do it could he do it. Bobo said he would do whatever he had to do to keep Howard alive.
Shuli said Howard has to read this open letter Bobo wrote about coming to the hospital years ago when his kid was born. He said he wrote it as an apology to Howard. Howard said he didn't get it. Bobo read the letter over the phone. Bobo said he just wanted to meet the guy on the radio and he knew it was wrong. He really admired him and he has regretted it ever since. Bobo said his intentions were completely harmless. Shuli said this is someone's dad. Bobo kept going and said he hopes they can put it to rest. Howard asked how long it took to write that. Bobo said it was about 4 and a half minutes. Howard said he has to blow him before he'll forgive him. They played another song parody about him.
Howard said he always forgets that Bobo showed up at the hospital. He said he walked in with his parents. He said that he's such an idiot. Bobo said he doesn't know what he was thinking. Howard said he sort of likes Bobo until someone reminds him of that. He said he should go to Hawaii and hold hands with him. Bobo asked if he can talk to Gary and find out if he's satisfied with that. Howard said he's such a douche bag. Howard played another song parody about Bobo and his awful phone calls to the show.
Shuli said he's yet to hear one bad Bobo song parody. Howard said there's an avalanche of songs about him. He said Robin can't even get a new one.
Howard asked if he even knew who Bobo was at the time. He said he was excited about Ashley being born and he came out of the delivery room and his parents were on their way up. Howard said he was nervous about the whole thing and there were a ton of doctors there. He said he was overwhelmed. Bobo said Dominic was there too. Howard said he wasn't looking for him to show up either.
Howard said he walked out and you don't know who that is. He said he said hi to the guy not knowing it was Bobo. Howard said you don't know who it is. He said he's not sure he even announced himself right away. Bobo said he just congratulated him and said he was a big fan. Howard said that's when he panicked. He said you don't know who this guy is or why he's there. Benjy asked if he got to see the baby. Howard said he blew his stack when he found out people just walked in. Gary said that was his rap on the Wrap Up Show about his excuses about why he did it.
Bobo said he realized it when his son was born and he realized what he did. Shuli asked how he found out what hospital he was at. Bobo said he just figured it out. Howard said there were only like 2 hospitals he could have been in.
Howard played another Bobo song parody. He said he has to separate them to figure out what to goof on him about. He said some are about him being an idiot and some are about him not being a superfan. Howard played another one and said that was by Clee Torres.
Bobo said showing up to the hospital was the stupidest thing he ever did. Howard let him go after that. Bobo said he loves him. Howard laughed and said he loves him too. He played him off with another song parody about how dumb he is. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he has Lenny Dykstra there. He said he used to follow the Mets and Lenny was on the team when he did. Howard said he has to soak in his look. Howard said he will read his book. Howard said he might buy it on Kindle. Howard asked if he can call him Nails. Lenny said yeah. Howard said what he knows about baseball could fit in a thimble. Howard said Lenny was the hardest fucking player ever. Lenny said he was a hard player. He said that was his way out of the middle. Howard said he was 5'9'' and everyone bet against him. Howard said he played football and baseball and went for baseball because there was more money in it. Lenny said you can last longer too. He said he would grab guy's balls when he was in the bottom of the pile in football. He said that it was about the money when he saw that people were making money in baseball.
Howard said Lenny did this thing in baseball where he would do undercover work and find out everything about the umpires. He said then he'd get up to bat and turn to the umpire and ask how his road pussy was. Howard said that made them give him good calls. Lenny said that fear does a lot to a man. He said he realized umpires ruled his life. He said you try to be nice to them and he just eliminated any risk of them having control over his life. He said he'd look back after a strike call and ask him what the spread was last night. He said it was all about getting an edge. He said he was never supposed to be a pro. He said there are only 30 jobs in the world for that one position. Howard said it's one of the hardest professions to break into. Lenny said you have to take someone's job. He said that guy worked his ass off to get there too.
Howard said Lenny's first hit for the Mets was a home run. Howard asked if the pitching is different between the minors and the major league. Lenny said it's all about control. Lenny said he was so out of control. He said he had to go to prison. He said he was in prison for 4 years total. He said he just got off of probation. He said he just took his last piss test.
Howard asked if that was tough being in prison. Lenny said he did wonder what the fuck happened. He said he was in his own cell in protective custody. He said that if someone kills him then that person is a hero there. Lenny said a guard knocked all of his teeth out. He said the guy was singing ''Take Me out to the Ball Game'' and he told him to shut the fuck up. He said next thing he knew he was in the hospital for a few days. He said he doesn't live back there though. Howard asked if it's ever like the movies and they have a big baseball game and he gets to play. Lenny said he got Pearl Harbored the first time he got detained. He said he was coming out of his place and 30 of these guys came out of trees. He said they didn't tell him what was going on. He said they took him in these tunnels to an interrogation room. He said these two suits came in and said he had to sign some stuff and they had to talk to him about his bankruptcy. He said then this guy came in and he told him to take him home or put him in jail. He said they were walking out and next thing he knows he's booked and thrown in a cell. He said no one even knew where he was.
Howard said Lenny never knows when to be quiet. He said that's just who he is. Lenny said he speaks the truth and some people don't like the truth.
Howard said Lenny was called Nails because he played hard as nails. Howard said when the Mets had him he was amazing. Howard asked if the thing that drove him was that his birth dad left him. Howard said his mom married a great guy and he became his dad. Lenny said he was his dad. He said he remembers making millions and his father called him trying to rekindle things. He said he told him he had a dad and it's not him and he hung up. Howard said it's amazing that they show up after all those years. Howard said he'd be curious. Lenny said he was more worried about the pussy showing up.
Howard asked Lenny if he got a lot of pussy. Lenny said he worked smarter rather than harder. He said he'd get hotel rooms and get the presidential suite set up. Howard asked if he got more in New York or Philly. Lenny said it was on the road. He said at home you have to recharge. He said he didn't fuck that much. He said that he was more of a knob guy. Howard said he got blow jobs. Lenny said he did. He said that the blow job was for security. Howard asked what the best road blow job was. Lenny said his wife is the greatest woman in the world. Howard said he got divorced in 2009 but his wife stuck with him for a long time.
Howard said that the private jets thing really did him in. Lenny said that he had to have his own Gulf Stream. He said he had a couple of flight attendants that he never hit. He said the plane became his drug. Howard asked about all of the business shit he got into when he was done with baseball. He had enough to get a private jet. Howard said he had a car wash and that's never going to go out of style with technology. Lenny said he bought the property too. He said that's what counts. Howard said Jim Cramer even gave him a tip sheet.
Howard asked Lenny if his goal was to fuck royalty. Lenny said that he had guys who would take shifts. He said he was 24/7 and he had to have guys with him that had to go in shifts. Lenny said that he had his buddy Robert De Niro turn him on to dexadrine. Lenny said he was helicoptering women around back then. He said De Niro was at this place he was at and he was walking back to his suite and De Niro was there. He said the guy didn't know who he was. Howard said maybe he doesn't want him telling this story. Lenny said the book has the story in there. He said he tells all of these stories in the book because he's been from the valley to the top of Mt. Everest.
Howard said Lenny was on the Mets and he had to share the position with Mookie Wilson. Lenny said you can't get paid if you don't play every day. He said Davy Johnson was their manager and that's what he did. He said he didn't like him. Lenny said Davy put him in a game when they were down a few games and he said to him he must want to finally win. He got them back into it.
Howard asked Lenny about seeing Daryl Strawberry's cock in the shower. Lenny said they had to tape it to his leg. He said it was like a hammer. He said it was very traumatizing to him. Howard asked if it was soft. Lenny said it was. He said that the blood may not even make it to the end of that one. Howard asked what he says to the guy. Lenny said he asked if he ever got it to the face. He said he told him no. Howard said a big cock can be a curse. Lenny said what happened to him is that a Jewish doctor did his circumcision and he was told he was given a perfect cut. He said his mother used to say he had a PC which was a ''perfect cut.'' He said it's pretty but not gigantic. Howard asked if he uses Viagra. Lenny said he has something called Gentleman's Secret coming out. He said that he does use whatever he can. He said that you know the first sign when the blood's not flowing and she's getting closer and you have to peel and reveal. He said he had a chick laugh at him once. He said he couldn't pitch a tent.
Lenny said he thought God's plan for him was to entertain people. He said what he really put him there for was to get women off. He said he's a pleaser and an artist. He said he likes to please women. Howard asked if he's afraid of HPV. Lenny said he doesn't know what that shit is. He said he checks to see if that shit is clean first. Howard asked if he was getting Hollywood actresses. Lenny said sometimes the thought of money is enough. Howard asked how many women he's gotten blow jobs from. Lenny said ''Wow...'' He said sometimes he was just halfway in.
Howard asked if he wore a lot of rubbers. Lenny said that he would go to grocery stores and pick up women there. He said that the famous women are too much work. Howard asked if they would get mad at him and move on. Lenny said yeah.
Howard said in his book he talks about Charlie Sheen. Howard said he wasn't able to keep up with him. Howard said he claims in the book that he told him about his HIV thing in 2014. Lenny said it was one of the hardest things he ever heard about. He said he knew him because Charlie is into baseball. Howard said he talks about how he had baseball stuff in his house. Lenny said he went to help him get off the drugs once. He said that he never did that stuff himself.
Howard asked about what happened when he heard Charlie had HIV. Lenny said that he is a great guy when he's sober. Howard asked why he confided in him. Lenny said he was his only real friend. Howard asked how he came clean. Lenny said he told him to come out before someone else came out with the information. Lenny said that he is a whale hunter himself and he has a big rolodex. He said he helped him come clean. Lenny said he told him that you can't stop it. He said if they took a poll out there he'd win in a landslide. He said Charlie was on board and then someone talked him out of it. Then he was forced to come out. Howard asked if he misses hanging with him. Lenny said he really didn't hang with him like that.
Howard said Jack Nicholson was a friend back when he was playing baseball. Howard said he talks about what a good wing man he was back then. Lenny said he got to know him when he went to Dodger stadium. He said he'd bring his son and he went to some parties he threw. He said he would call Jack to impress chicks.
Howard said Lenny talks about how everyone was doing steroids back in the day and you could buy them at Rite-Aid. Lenny said he was too weak and he was worn down. He said in 1990 he knew he was going to have to get a real job or be a millionaire. He said he moved to Mississippi. He said he called a doctor and told him what was going on. He said he had the chance to make 30 million dollars so he asked him to do something to help him keep the weight on. He said he had to shoot himself in the ass 3 times a week for 6 weeks. He said he walked out there like he had a 15 inch cock. Howard said he wishes he had that feeling. Lenny said he had muscles in his face after that. Howard said it looks like he still has a lot of muscle mass. Lenny said he does.
Howard said he read in his book that he used HGH. Lenny said when he started writing this book he said the first interview he was going to do was with Howard Stern. Howard thanked him for that. Howard said this book is making a lot of news. Lenny said the book is about life. He said it's not just about baseball. Howard said he did end up hurting a lot of people in his life. He said you do that when you want wealth and fame. Lenny said money became his drug. He said he was running people over and he had the life gods come down and put him in his place. He said that he once had a doctor pearl harbor him in the ass when he got a prostate exam. He said he put the guy up against the wall.
Howard said he talks about how Mookie Wilson had bad breath back when he played with him. He said he was a great guy but he had bad breath. He said he had a bunch of great teammates.
Howard said it was sad when he left the Mets. Lenny said it was tough. He said they just traded him to the Phillies. He said that they were playing Philly and Davy came up to him and said that he was done. He said he heard that he was traded during the game. He said they let him know what was going on.
Howard asked Lenny if he hated baseball. Lenny said in Philly he would see his teammates drinking a lot. He said he told his trainer there had to be something else to get him through it. He said he ended up taking Vikodin. He said then he got dependant on that. He said he eventually got to taking 30 of them. He said he thought he was going to die out there.
Howard asked about going to rehab. Lenny said he went and Charlie was the guy who helped keep him there. He said he was going to go out in flames so he checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel and he ended up staying there for like 10 days. He said he knew things were bad after that. He said he was hanging with Mickey Rourke and he was so fucked up that he would look in the mirror and see himself looking like the Crypt Keeper. He said he has been sober for 3 years in a row now. Howard asked if he can smoke weed. Lenny said he doesn't smoke weed. He said that stuff kicked his ass.
Howard said Lenny talks about how he taught himself to play ball by using a ping pong ball and throwing it at the wall. He said that way when he played baseball the ball would look huge. He said that's pretty brilliant. Howard asked who taught him that. Lenny said that he taught himself.
Howard asked if Lenny about jerking off. Lenny said he never had to do it until he was in prison. He said then he had to do it. Howard asked if he knew how to do it. Lenny said it was just something to do.
Howard asked how he got through it all. Lenny said no matter where he is in his life he doesn't live in negativity.
Howard asked where he's living. Lenny said he lives in a guest house of this great guy in Beverly Hills. He said the guy has a nice mansion. Gary said he was talking to these people and they say he's the best house guest they've ever had. He said he cleans like crazy and he can build stuff too.
Howard asked if he's getting laid now. Lenny said he can't get it up so he has to take the dick pills. He said if he did cum it's like a murder is going on. He said if he does cum it's hard. He said it's like the thrill of the kill when he goes to hit on women at grocery stores.
Howard asked how he knows if a woman is clean. Lenny said he will check them and he has tongue depressors to go in there. He said he is a pleaser so he goes in and does what he can. He said he has spots in the baseball parks that he could get blow jobs. He said what he would do is have a bat boy bring a chick down. He said 20 minutes later he was in the batter's box. Howard asked if that drained him. Lenny said he would just take some amphetamines if he needed to. He said that they were playing every day. He said the drugs are out of the game now and that's why the game is so boring.
Howard asked if he watches the Mets now. Lenny said he does. He said people still recognize him. Howard said women like him because he's manly.
Howard asked if Lenny ever fucked any other player's wife. Lenny said he doesn't do any of that shit. Howard asked who the biggest assholes were back then. Lenny said Greg Jeffries was. He said he didn't know how to play. He said that most players don't know how to play. He said they play wrong.
Howard asked if Lenny ever fucked a teacher. Lenny said he did. He said she was blonde. He said he was a senior in high school. He said she was hot. He said she was single and hot. He said he fucked her a couple of times. Howard asked if he told anyone. Lenny said he keeps that in the weeds. Howard said she took him to his apartment. Howard said he's some player. Lenny said he's really not. He said he's just a guy. Howard said he fucked a teacher. Lenny said he does therapy with them and works on their minds. He said he told her some lie but at the end of the day pussy is what took him out. He said he played baseball to impress women. He said he feels sorry for dudes who are gay. He said you think a guy wants to wake up next to a guy's hairy ass? He said he doesn't. He said he thinks back about what went on. Howard said if he was gay maybe he wouldn't have gotten into trouble.
Lenny said he tells chicks that he has in his house not to shit there. He said he doesn't even like them pissing. He said he hates that sound. Howard said he had to hear his wife shit or at least smell it. Lenny said he had a house that had a his and hers shitter. He said her bathroom was on the other side of the house. He said he had a great wife. He said he didn't bring any of that into it. He said he felt like he had an obligation to do things for her. He said he's a ''pecan Picasso.''
Howard asked Lenny about taking a drug that made him not shit. Lenny said that didn't last long. Howard asked if he's ever told a woman to get out of his house if she has to shit. Lenny said he has to throw them out. Howard asked why he didn't make them take the no shit drug. Lenny said that's why Howard is in that seat and he's over there.
Howard said this book (''House of Nails: A Memoir of Life on the Edge'') is something else. Lenny said he had a ghost writer doing it but he fired that guy and did it himself. He said he locked himself in a room and wrote it. He said there was blood on the keyboards for 6 months straight. He said he had to grind it out. He said it took him 6 months to do it. He said he had help from a thesaurus but he did it on his own. He said the book is funny. Howard asked if he asked Steven King to write something for him. Lenny said he Pearl Harbored him and asked him to write something. He said that guy has walked in his shoes. He said he asked him to write something if he felt it was worthy. He said Steven King wrote ''Strangely beautiful'' and ''one of the best sports autobiographies I've ever read.''
Howard asked Lenny about flying to Israel and they performed surgery on him to help him get over his opioids addiction. Lenny said they're doing that a lot these days. He said they didn't have Suboxin back then. He said this doctor saved his life. He said he wasn't able to get off the stuff and he said there has to be something else. He said that he was told it was in Israel. He said they put you to sleep for 10 hours and suck out the opiates. He said it was kind of scary stuff but he went and did it. Lenny said he flew out there and did it. He said it was only the second time he cried. Howard asked when he cried before that. Lenny said it was when his mom said he couldn't play little league. He said the doctor looked at him and told him that he wasn't going to let him die. He said he called that guy god. He said he was a legend and fixing people. He said now they have rapid detox all over. He said it's 10 hours of sucking the opiates out. Robin said he must feel pretty rough after that. Lenny said it felt like 10 rounds with Tyson.
Howard asked what his age range is for fucking. He asked if he'd do a woman his age. Lenny said if they pay him he would. He said he has some clients who want some companionship. Howard asked if he really gets women to pay him. Lenny said that they do. He said you have to be careful though because their bones ban be brittle. Howard asked how many women he has. Lenny said there are 3 but one of them is killing him because she wants to stick her tongue down his throat and she's like 80. Howard said he's a male gigolo. Lenny said he lives a lot of lives. Howard asked what he does with these women. Lenny said sometimes he'll go out to dinner. He said they don't introduce him to their friends or family. Lenny said it's his duty to do this stuff. He said he's a nice guy. He said he's always been a nice guy except on the baseball field.
Howard asked if a woman has ever tried to eat his ass. Lenny said one tried but that's not his thing. He said he doesn't like anything near his ass. He doesn't like pulling hair and he doesn't like having fingers in his mouth.
Howard asked if he would ever do anal with a chick. Lenny fuck no. Howard said he's done it like 3 times. He said sometimes they like it. Lenny said that it's just wrong. He said he thinks that's why there's AIDS and shit. Howard asked who he's voting for. Lenny said he can't vote because he's a convicted felon.
Howard asked if he has fake teeth to eat with. Lenny said that's the problem. He said part of his skill is not having teeth. He did something that made Robin crack up. Lenny said he can eat anything but an apple. He said he can get steak down. He said the thing is that the teeth are too much fucking work. He said that they'll say he's so gentle. Howard said he can't even tell he doesn't have teeth. He said he conceals it very well. Lenny said he likes the way he said that.
Howard asked who the hottest celebrity is out there. He asked who gets his attention. Lenny said there's one chick Scarlett Johansson. He said one of his buddies said he might be able to get her to give a quote for his book but that didn't happen.
Howard said Lenny has done it all. Lenny said that he wants to tell him that he bought pretty much anything he ever wanted. He said he grew up in a good family and his mom worked every day and her dream was to have a Mercedes. He said he called the dealer and had them deliver one to his mom's driveway. He said she walked out and started crying. He said of all the shit he's ever bought that was the most satisfying. He said fuck the planes and pussy. He said that was genuine. He said he doesn't want to sound gay but that's the most satisfying thing he ever did.
Howard asked if his life has been fun. Lenny said it has been fun. He said he's 53 now and he's got some real mileage on him. Howard said Lenny has made his mom's face wet with tears and he's made women wet. Now he's whet the audience's appetite for this book. Lenny said the book is awesome. Howard said he's a world class pussy eater. He works at it. Lenny said it's all about percentages just like in baseball.
Howard asked Lenny what he used to practice eating pussy if he used a ping pong ball to learn baseball. Lenny said he was put there on this planet to satisfy women. He said that's what he does.
Howard gave Lenny some plugs for the book and said you can find out more at LennyDykstra.com. They went to break a short time later. They played Peter Frampton performing ''Show Me The Way'' in the Howard Stern Show studio as they were going to break.
Howard picked up on Speech Impediment Man who said that was a great interview with Lenny. Speech Impediment Man said he knew a guy named Lenny who had a brother they used to call Lenny and Squiggy in high school. Speech Impediment Man said his brother also signed him to his first baseball contract. Speech Impediment Man asked if he can talk to Ronnie and be the new something man. Howard asked what he just said. Robin said she has no idea. Fred figured it was the new Ricky's Man. Fred did his impression of Speech Impediment Man for a minute. Howard let Speech Impediment Man go and said it's time for some news.
They played Robin into her news with a song parody from Dan the Song Parody Man. Robin said she hasn't heard that name in years. Howard said that was wonderful. Robin asked what happened to him. Howard said he couldn't top that one so he gave up.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who asked if we should stay in the UN. Howard said yes. He said we can't stay cut off from the world. He said we have to have some way diplomatically of communicating with other countries. Tommy said we can. Howard said there's something that happens when people talk and the UN had to have done good in that area. He said we may not even be aware of it. Howard said that we will close another way of speaking to the world if we get out of there.
Tommy asked if he thinks southerners are dumber than northerners. Howard said no. He said he has lived all over the country and people are the same everywhere. He said there are the same amount of dummies and smart people everywhere.
Howard said he is pro America and he is a patriot. Howard said he believes we have to support the UN. He said he had to go after that. He let Tommy go.
Howard said we can't shut ourselves off from the rest of the world. Howard said he's not sure why he had to ask about the UN. He said he just did an hour and a half about pussy. Howard said he's clearly insane.
Robin read a story about a teacher who broke into song at the Lincoln Memorial. Robin had some audio of that performance. The woman got a round of applause from the crowd there. Howard played some audio of Robin singing after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why he doesn't leave the microphone open when he goes to the bathroom. Howard said sometimes he does. Howard said they have tried it and Robin didn't like it. He said Robin doesn't want to work that hard. Robin said they interact with each other. Howard said that's the game plan. He said Robin hates working with Benjy and Fred. The caller asked if he thinks it would be good for the fans if Robin takes over if something happens to Howard. Howard said he doesn't care what happens when he leaves. He said Robin can do a show with whoever she wants.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got about 2 minutes into that interview and it was a terrible interview. He asked who convinced him to have Lenny in there. Howard said he enjoyed having him in there and he was a fan. He said he has had lots of problems in his life. Howard said Lenny answered every question. The caller said he jumped around though. Howard said he did but the guy is different and doesn't think in a linear fashion. Howard said he thinks that caller was jealous of Lenny's PC penis.
Robin read a story about Jay Leno surviving a car crash. Robin read about the crash that happened at an empty speedway. Robin said they showed Leno and the other guy flipping over and landing safely on all four wheels. Howard said he carries on with those cars. He said we get it, he likes cars. Robin said he was joking when it was all over.
Robin read a story about the Red Cross putting out posters about playing safely around the pool and some of the kids in the drawing were being cool and uncool. Robin said that all of the cool kids were white and the uncool kids were black. Howard said one of the white kids had an uncool over him. Howard said some of the white kids were uncool. Robin said she's looking at it and all of them are black. Robin said the Red Cross has discontinued the production of that poster. Benjy asked why they have black kids in a pool anyway. Howard asked if he's a fucking racist. He said that's what he gets for leaving his microphone open. Howard said he spaced out because he's hungry and now he's listening to Benjy. He said it was like 30 seconds to fuck up the entire show and he did it. Howard said they should put an ''Uncool'' sign over Benjy's head.
Howard said it's a good thing Jay Leno has an airbag in his chin. He said that saved his life.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he has seen the video of Leno crashing. Howard said yes. He said it's like Jay Leno in Jackass. The caller said it's funny how he's flipping around in the car.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that interview he did was awesome. He liked it. Howard said Lenny was great. He said of course he liked it. The caller also said he thinks Robin is the most beautiful woman in the world. He said if they ever have a contest he wants to be there. The guy said he's a truck driver and he's 5'10'' and 200 pounds. Howard said he sounds perfect for Robin. Howard played a Robin song parody from Eli Braden. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Tim Tebow staying with a family and praying with them on a flight he was on. Howard said he'd like to do something like that and get some praise. Robin said Tebow and other people on the flight gathered around to help the person. Howard said he's not playing football anymore. Howard said he has nothing but free time. Howard said he's too busy himself to do anything like that. He said it would be great for him to rescue someone. He said years ago he did an interview with Dateline and he told Gary to get someone in a wheelchair to come in and he would carry on with the person and impress Stone Phillips. Howard said he was going to get the guy to stand up on camera. Howard said it looked like Stone wanted to kill him when he caught on to watch was going on. Howard said he had no sense of humor. Howard said he was nice enough but he never did that again. Gary said Stone looked at Howard like ''Why are you wasting my time?'' and rolled his eyes when he saw them roll the guy in. Robin said this story doesn't have a happy ending. The man died of the heart attack on that flight. Howard said he was a good guy to do that anyway. Howard said maybe he prayed to the wrong god though. He said it didn't work out.
Robin read a story about a guy who is in love with a Real Doll. Robin said this guy has a wife and he used the sex doll for sex but then he fell in love. Howard said this is JD's life if he didn't give him a job. Robin said now he's willing to brush off flesh and blood. Howard said there was a movie about that. He said it was real good. Robin said Ryan Gosling was in it. Howard said way to get publicity for this. He said he thinks that's what people expect from him.
Howard took a call from a guy, Seth, who said it was an honor to speak to them. He asked Howard about being so tall and if he's ever been able to dunk a basketball. Howard said no because he has no athletic training at all. Howard said he was never exposed to any sports growing up. He said he was ridiculed when he got up to play basketball in school. He said you have to grow up with the other white shit heads who can't play so you're not intimidated. Howard said black guys used to dunk him. He said he can't even jump. Seth said he was the only black guy in a white school. He said that he has to work in a coal mine now and he's 6'8'' tall. Howard asked if they have some kind of apparatus so they don't breathe in that shit. Seth said it's just a regular dust mask but he chews tobacco and he has to spit. He said he's constantly digging shit out of his nose on his way home.
Howard asked where they go to the bathroom down there. Seth said they just shit on the ground. Robin said that's awful. Seth said the shit grows fur down there so it looks like fur balls. Howard asked if he ever steps in it. Seth said when you mine coal you will swing to the left and they would shit on the left. He said people shit and it gets on the cables down there. Howard said he's lost with what he's saying. He asked if there are women down there. Seth said there are. He said one is semi-attractive. He said she's 50 though. He said there are a lot of people banging her from what he's heard.
Howard asked the caller about what the dudes do down there. Seth told Howard how the machine works and how they have to have people down there with the machines to work them. The guy said his hand got stuck once and he almost got hurt. Seth said he likes the work. Howard asked if there are a bunch of racist guys down there. Seth said they think he's Hispanic so they don't say much to him thinking he can't speak English. Howard let Seth go and did a live commercial read after that. <>Howard said he got a hair cut yesterday and it's really short. Howard said Toni said she was going to thin it out but it looks a little short. Howard said maybe it'll relax. He told Benjy to come and relax it. Benjy said it's way too short. He said he looks like a Brady in the Brady Bunch. Howard said he does. Benjy also told him not to put the shiny stuff in it. Howard said he can't work on his hair while he's doing a show. He said he puts a gel in and then you pull it out and it looks dry. Benjy doesn't know because he doesn't have any hair.
Robin read a story about a new method of sewage disposal after dissolving a body in liquid. Robin said it's called alkaline electrolysis. Robin said it involves heat and pressure and an alkaline liquid that speeds up the dissolution process. Robin said it usually happens over time. Robin said they used it for the first time in Ontario, Canada. Robin said instead of taking 15-20 years it goes quicker and it's done environmentally friendly. Howard said he's going in a mausoleum and he's not going to be trapped below ground. Howard said he wants to be like Casey Kasem and have people fighting over his body.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Erik who said he has a bone to pick with the fans who email the show saying he's gay. He said he's not gay. Howard said he wants to talk to him man to man. Erik said they always do. Howard said the reason people think he's gay is because he's said he jerks off to Donnie Wahlberg. Erik said he's his friend and they love each other. Howard said he sounds like he's in another room. Erik said he has a Donnie pillow case. Howard asked if he's on a speaker phone. Erik said no. Howard said he's not sure if he's doing shtick but he has never jerked off to a man before. Erik said he's not gay. Howard asked what gay means. Erik said it means that you're happy. Howard said it means when you think about men and desire to be with a man. Erik said he doesn't. Robin said Donnie Wahlberg is a man. Howard said he wants to be with Donnie though. Erik said he got him on Blue Bloods. Howard said this is a weird conversation. Howard said he's also attracted to Wayne Brady and Mike Woods. Howard said it's not a bad thing to be gay. He said they won't think of him any less. Howard said it's fine. Robin asked how often he masturbates. Erik said not that much, maybe twice a day. Robin asked what he thinks about. Erik said he thinks about Blue Bloods. Howard said he thinks about Donnie too. Erik said he does. Howard said there's nothing wrong with being gay. He said be proud. Erik said he loves Gonzo too. Howard said he would have sex with him. Erik said he would not. He said he did kiss him when he saw him a few weeks ago. Howard asked if he would jerk him off. Erik said no. He said it's a different story with Donnie. Erik said that he and Joey Boots are going to be in L.A. and Gonzo will sleep in the same room. He said Gonzo asked him to sleep in the same bed. He said he's not sure if he would do that. Howard asked if he would let Gonzo stick his dick in his ass. Erik said no. Donnie was a different story. Robin said that he thinks he's not gay because he doesn't want anything in his ass. Howard said he has to go.
Howard said last time Erik shared a room with Gonzo he came out of the bathroom naked. Shuli came in and said that he came out singing ''Gonzo. I'm naked!'' Erik said he did and Gonzo likes him too. Shuli said not the way Erik likes Gonzo. Howard said he has to get out of this. Shuli said Erik just bought a new pet. He has a bearded dragon lizard. He said it was $150 and now he's leaving for L.A. and he's leaving like 20 worms and 15 crickets for it to eat. Erik said that he has a neighbor who is going to take care of it. Howard said he had a cat once and the cat scratched holes in the screen to escape. Erik said they're going to be at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel and they'll be making an appearance at Dave and Buster's out there. Howard let him go and did a live commercial read.
Robin read a story about a woman who is up on charges after her 6 year old child shot her 4 year old with a gun. Robin said the 4 year old died at the hospital and the woman is being held on $300,000 bail.
Robin read a story about a man who beat to death an intruder who allegedly raped his wife. Robin said the guy says he was trying to protect his wife and his sister who were in the apartment at the time.
Robin said there's another story about a woman who shot a man who was in her daughter's room when she came home. Robin said that woman shot the intruder and found the 58 year old man in the house and killed him. Robin said the woman could face charges.
Robin read about Donald Trump changing his stance on Muslims coming into this country. Robin had some audio of him a few months ago saying he wanted to ban them. Now Trump's camp is refining that and saying that they would want to ban people from countries that are known for terrorism.
Robin read some other news about Trump and Hillary Clinton too. She had some audio clips for Howard to play as well.
Robin read a story about how Prince didn't have a will and there are a lot of people coming forward trying to get a portion of his estate. Robin said they had about 2 dozen attorneys show up at a hearing yesterday. Robin said they estimate that $100-300 million was left behind by Prince.
Robin read a story about an 8 year old boy who was born without a hand and he was given a super hero hand by his school mates when he finished second grade. Robin said he will have a 3D printed hand with the Captain America shield on it.
Robin read a story about a coach named Pat Summit who coached at a university in Tennessee and she was 59 when she was diagnosed with Alzheimers and died at 64.
Robin read about how Mike Huckabee was using the song ''Eye of the Tiger'' during his campaign and now he has to pay the band $25,000 for using it without permission. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about the Ringo Starr ''Peace and love'' clip. He had Aaron Governale announce who they had coming in today. Denis Leary will be coming in. Howard said he hasn't had him on the show yet. He said he's excited about that. He said he has a second season of the show called ''Rock Star'' (Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll) coming up. Howard said he was watching the second season and he didn't know what was going on so then he realized it was the second season.
Howard said he was reading an article about William Refrigerator Perry. Howard said they had him on the show years ago. He said they had him trying to pick the most wins against Daniel Carver and a rooster. Howard said he thinks he won. He said now he's broke. Howard read an article about Perry and how he's barely able to walk now. He said he can't control his bladder and he doesn't care. He read about how Perry is up to 450 pounds or so. Howard said he probably can't get off the couch. Howard said there was that guy who was so obese that he got stuck to the couch. Howard said he'd love to get that fat. He said if he knew he only had 2 weeks to live he'd eat what Jon Hein had the other day. Howard said then he'd get stuck to his couch. Howard said you'd see him in the coffin the size of his couch. Howard said he'd fuse with his couch.
Howard said Perry declared himself an alcoholic and he's still drinking vodka by the bottle. Howard said he has diabetes but that doesn't stop him from drinking. Howard read about how his finances have been sacked too. Howard said this is one cold article. Howard said they crack jokes through this whole thing.
Howard said after all of that Perry said he's doing just fine. Howard read some of the quotes from Perry about how he's still enjoying life. Howard said Mike Ditka said he has to help himself. He said he thinks he's given up.
Howard said that was the whole article. He said it'd depressing. Robin said ''very.'' Howard said all he had to do was hold on to his money.
Howard took a call from Jon Hein audio clips. The guys in the back had Jon talking about eating and what he'd be having for lunch. They just played clip after clip of Jon naming different fast foods. It went on for a minute or so. Howard said he's going to get sick hearing about all of this. Howard asked what else and the Jon Hein clips kept going with different types of fast foods.
Howard asked what he'll have for dinner if that was his lunch. The guys played more of Jon naming foods. Howard asked what he'd be eating if he was Refrigerator Perry. Jon named a few more things. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said he's sitting there starving himself and he still has a pouchy stomach. Howard said he was thinking he might be good husband material for Robin but maybe not.
Howard said he thinks some of the guys on the show are gay. He said some are very effeminate. Howard said they're not here to talk about that show though.
Howard brought up the vocal fry thing that he thinks is an epidemic in this country. Howard did an impression of the woman on The Bachelorette and talked about how much of a turn off it is. Howard said she is feeling more and more secure and the vocal fry gets worse and worse. Howard said the whole show is her doing that vocal fry thing. Howard said she's morphed into a full on zombie. Howard said more and more women are doing it. He said it's become a thing. He's not sure how that happens but it is a thing. Howard said if his wife did that he'd have to divorce her.
Howard played a clip from The Bachelorette where she was doing that vocal fry thing. Howard said that was from the beginning of the show. Howard said you should hear her now. Howard said she has a nice feminine voice and then it turns into that horror show. Howard said she's almost like Chyna. Robin said she couldn't help it though.
Howard played a clip they created with Hillary Clinton with vocal fry. They had her doing the fry thing for about 15 seconds straight. Howard said a lot of women are voting for her for that reason.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who thinks Lenny Dykstra doesn't know anything about pussy. Howard picked up on the caller and the guy said that he can give him a run through of what Lenny didn't know. Howard said TMZ was all over the story that Lenny told about being a gigolo. Howard said you know you have a good interview when that happens so quickly. Howard said there were other things in the interview that made it to the news too.
The caller, Dexter, told Howard that he knows how to approach women. He said women want foreplay. Howard said a lot don't. Howard said they don't want to waste time. Dexter said it only takes 30 seconds or a minute. Howard said some guys think they have to spend a lot of time on women's tits but women say that they're twisting them like knobs and they don't want that. Dexter told Howard you should have a soft touch and 3 points of contact. He said have both hands and the mouth. He said you don't stay in one spot. Howard said he has a feeling this guy is calling from jail. He asked Robin if she wants to throw up. Dexter said this is all from experience.
Howard said this is like every bad book he's read about this stuff. Dexter said you slowly move your mouth down to the neck and keep the hands moving. Howard said poor women have to deal with this. Dexter said you rub the woman's thighs and belly...
Howard said Ronnie is out in the hall saying this is all shit he's said on the air before. Howard said he's not hearing anything new. He said Robin is sopping wet hearing this though. Dexter was still trying to give his advice. Howard said this is right out of the ''Creep Manual'' that Ronnie co-wrote.
Howard said he guarantees Dexter looks like an accident victim. Howard asked if he's a good looking guy. Dexter said not really. Howard said he's not sure why every woman isn't a lesbian.
Dexter talked about moving down to the breasts and keep your weight off the woman. Howard asked if he's almost done. He said it's like listening to a marriage manual. Howard said don't be upset but he's sending this call to the FBI. Howard said he sounds creepy. Dexter said he's trying to disguise his voice. Howard said this is the way an Alien would make a report about humans. Dexter said the best part is the 3 points of contact. Howard said they heard that. Dexter said when you get between the legs you tell her how pretty her pussy is. Howard asked when they get to the chloroforming part. Dexter said you tell her that her pussy is pretty. Howard asked if he's reading this out of a book. Dexter said he's not. He told Howard more about the 3 points of contact and touching the breasts while you're down there at her pussy. Fred was plying Underdog Lady clips and Howard was distracted by those.
Howard said whenever he makes love to his wife he has Dexter on an ear piece telling him what to do. Howard said if he ever told his wife her pussy was pretty she'd shut him down for the night. Howard said never tell a woman that. Howard thanked Dexter for the explanation. He told Robin her pussy is an 11 out of a 10. Howard asked if anyone has ever gone down on her and told her she has a pretty pussy. Robin said no and she doesn't want to have a discussion.
Fred played some Ronnie clips saying ''She's going to cum like the moon.'' and things like that. Howard put echo on his voice and talked about the pretty pussy he was looking at. Howard said you have to come up with new adjectives for the woman after years and years. Howard came up with a few. He talked about the beautiful hood the woman has. Howard said that's the kind of stuff that's in a sex manual. Robin said she read a book where this woman had a guy rub her clitoris for 15 minutes. Robin said there was instruction on where to rub. Howard said he just likes to stick it in. He said it's all so gross.
Robin read about some of the guys on The Bachelorette and what their occupations are. Robin said one is just listed as being from Vancouver. Howard said he has a lot of stuff to get to later. He said they can talk to Dead Joan Rivers. He said they can talk to Donald Trump who is going to tell them what's going on with the campaign. He had a bunch of other things that he has to play today too. They went to break after that.
After the commercials Howard came right back and asked if they should talk to Dead Joan Rivers or live Donald Trump. Robin said they haven't heard from Joan in a long time. Howard said he decided to speak to Joan because he felt it was odd that they auctioned off some of her stuff at Christie's last week. Robin said she missed that. Howard said good. He said he's not sure why Melissa is auctioning stuff off. Howard said keep it or throw it in the garbage. Robin said they were donating it to charity.
Howard picked up on dead Joan Rivers who said she died doing what she loves, getting surgery. Joan told Howard about getting to heaven and being reunited with Edgar and he tried to kill himself again. Howard asked what Joan thinks about her daughter auctioning her stuff off. Joan said she left her $150 million and she's doing that. She said ''What a Jew.''
Howard said her daughter loved her. Joan said that she would be sucking cocks for hot dogs if she didn't leave her money. Howard told Joan to say hi to Robin. Joan had a joke about Robin getting sick and telling her that grape soda is not a fruit.
Howard asked Joan about the rumor that Richard Simmons is transitioning. Joan said his balls must hang lower than Ronnie Mund's. Howard talked to Joan about Memet's man bun and then let her go. Joan said see you next week High Pitch.
Howard said the woman hosting this show seems to be some kind of spiritual advisor. Howard played the call where they took fake Al Pacino clips and had him talking to the woman about his movie Jack and Jill and how he should be water boarded over that. They had Al talking to the woman about a bunch of other things. The woman kept him on for a few minutes.
Howard said he wants to get that woman on the show so bad. He said he doesn't know what message he's trying to get out there. Howard said they have to give her a half hour show. Howard said they have to have all of their voice guys call her. He said they won't let regular callers call her. Howard said she'll apparently talk to anyone. Howard said that's what's happening in podcasts. He said she has no idea she's being goofed on.
Howard said this is a show called the Breakfast Club and this is a guy named Charlamagne Tha God and this guy Birdman calls in and complains about them making fun of his name. Howard said he's a rapper and he said he was going to come down to get face to face. Howard played the clip and Birdman was on air telling them to stop playing with his fucking name. Howard said that was off the air. Then they take it on the air. Howard played some audio of them talking about it on the air and Birdman saying he wanted to come on the air to talk to him face to face. He said he's doing it straight up like a man. Birdman said he wants some respect with his name. He walked off after a short time.
Howard said that shit's real. Robin asked why he's messing with radio guys. She said they're not tough. Howard said that stuff isn't for him. He said radio wars have gotten out of control. He said it's pretty awesome.
Howard said his comment on that name is that it's a great rap name but a terrible movie. He said he is a Michael Keaton fan but not a fan of that movie.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to jump out of a building earlier when that guy Dexter talked about telling a girl she has a pretty pussy. He said you never do that. Howard let the caller go after that.
Howard picked up and Bobo asked Robin to give him more credit. He said he hits it out of the park sometimes. Robin said she doesn't remember any of those. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip.
Bobo asked Howard about Beth not driving and if he'd be comfortable with her being behind the wheel if she did drive them around. Fred played a bomb falling sound. Howard didn't answer. He played a song parody. Howard said that was really bad. Howard played a couple more song parodies about Bobo's bad questions. They went to break after that.
The caller asked if they could put military heroes on TV instead of football. Howard said on Sundays he reads books about Navy Seals. Howard let the caller go. He said he grew weary from talking to him.
Howard said Gary just gave him an article. He said it's exciting that they're in all the cars now and he was just reading about Subaru and this guy would be listening to their show or a comedy channel or something like that. When he'd start the car again in the morning the radio would be set to channel 1. He said he found out that what Subaru does to protect innocent ears, kids and stuff, they will go back to channel 1 so they don't hear anything they shouldn't. Howard said this guy says that he has to scroll through all of his presets to get back to what he wants to hear. Howard said it's kind of weird. He said if you have that in your car you can monitor it. He said they have parental controls through Sirius too. He said you don't need Subaru telling you that.
Howard said Gary was telling him that anything that's racy will reset to Sirius Hits 1. Howard said he listens to that sometimes. He said they have a morning show and talk a lot in the morning.
Robin said there were like 50 people waiting for the elevator. Howard said he hates that. He said you see Jenny over a sea of ugly guys and you only see her. He said she stands out. He said it must be so great being good looking. He said all of the ugly people blend into the wall. He said Jenny has the ass with the big titties. Robin said she was out there with Rebecca Hall yesterday. She said she's great.
Howard said Jenny told him she would have fucked him when he was single. Howard said it upsets him. He said he spaced out and didn't do it. Howard said he should have put her into heavy rotation when he was dating. Howard said she was making it kind of obvious and she'd come over and fuck him. Howard said he didn't even have to do any work. He said he didn't have to feed her or anything. Robin said he went out of his way for some of those girls. Howard said it's better than a blow up doll. Howard said now that Jenny is married to Donnie they're all over each other. Howard said he's not sure if it's real or not. Howard said they're all over each other.
Howard said they could have a TV show out in the hall there. He said it's a lot of ugly people and a few good looking people. Howard said Blink 182 had a Town Hall there yesterday. He asked Fred to play some of their stuff.
Howard said he heard that Jenny and Donnie were holding hands going to the bathroom with each other. Howard asked if that's a real thing. JD said he thinks it's one of those couples that doesn't want to be near each other. Robin said ''What?'' Howard said he wants to keep going with this conversation.
Fred played Blink 182's ''What's My Age Again'' and Howard said this is a good one. Howard said he was told that Jenny and Donnie hold hands at the escalator so no one can go past them. Brent Hatley came in and said that when you're in a rush you want to run up the escalator and they will hold hands and not let you pass. He said he doesn't bother them though. He said he thinks it's for publicity. He said this is how they get into the papers. Howard said he should have banged her. Brent said he should have.
Howard said one of their Production Assistants was in the elevator with Jenny and Donnie and they made out the whole time. Howard said that's kind of weird. He said it's not cool. Brent said there's no way that's real. He said it's a great bit. Howard said he'd like to hear about that. Robin asked if he was doing the 3 points of contact thing. Howard said maybe he was.
Howard had Becca the Production Assistant come in. Howard asked if she's the only one. She said there are four of them actually. Becca said she was in the elevator alone with them and they were making out really loud. She said it was so uncomfortable. Howard said he's going to call HR over that.
Fred played some more Blink 182 songs and Howard said he can't believe they don't know them. He said they have some hit songs. Howard said he was thinking about that band Hum that had the one hit song and they never had another one. Howard said they had them on the show and they were so arrogant. Howard said they though they were going to make millions of dollars. Robin said they dropped their instruments and walked off when they were done. Howard played the song ''Stars'' and said this was so great. He said he can't believe they didn't have another hit.
Howard said Blink 182 was on the show and they played ''What's my Age Again.'' Howard said he doesn't know that song. Robin said they played it.
Howard wondered if Jenny is waiting out in the hall just for him. Howard said this song ''Stars'' can bring him to tears. He said it has in the past. Howard let it play a little longer. He said it gets into his head too much so he has to stop it. Robin said she thinks of Bingo when she hears it. Robin said she read that Johnny Depp was hanging out with Doug Stanhope at the Comedy Store the other day.
Howard said he has to find out why Jenny stands out in the hall. He said it would be great if she couldn't get over him and she's waiting just for him out there.
Howard said there's a new kind of porn out. He said he was on PornHub for the first time and the guys were sending him examples of ''stuck porn.'' Howard said it's a little bit rapey. He said that these women will get stuck and their step son will come in and fuck them. Howard said he watched all 4 of them to completion. He said he wasn't jerking off, he was working. He said he was watching them for work. Howard played a clip where this woman says her hand is stuck in the garbage disposal and she asks the guy to help her out. The guy comes in and ends up fucking her while she's stuck. Howard said it would be so great if the plumber came in and fixed something and didn't fuck the woman. Howard said that would be so great.
Howard said in this one there's a woman stuck in the bathtub drain and a guy comes in and fucks her. Howard played a short clip from that one.
Howard said this one is a maid with her asshole sticking out. Howard said she's stuck too. Howard said she was really hot and the step son couldn't handle it. Howard played audio from that one too. Howard said that guy had a curved penis. He said that must hurt when you put it in a woman. Howard said his doesn't bend. Robin said she's never seen that.
Howard said there's a weird one where this girl goes under the bed to get something and she gets stuck. Then a girl comes in and tickles her and the mom finds them. He said there was no fucking going on in that one.
Howard said he has one where Jon Hein was stuck and Gary Dell'Abate takes advantage of him. Howard played the clip that the guys created. They had Gary rubbing grease from his fast food on his penis and then fucking him.
Howard said that's the latest in stuck porn. Howard said Sal told him to go to TubeGalore. He said they have the best categories there. Howard said he looked and they have all of the stuff he has no desire to see. He said they have anal squirting, ball kicking and things like that. Howard said everything Sal is into is violent and angry. Howard said he's into some weird stuff. Sal came in and said that the other stuff on those other sites is for amateurs. He said he's not into the ball kicking thing. Howard asked what the caning is. Sal said it's shoving things up someone's ass and things like that.
Howard asked Sal if he beats off to old lady stuff. Sal said he has. Howard said Sal beat off to his aunt once. Sal said when you don't see much you beat off to what you can see.
Howard said Sal has gotten really close to this guy Larry Caputo. He said Sal called Larry and asked if he'd give him a hand job. Sal said he was worried he would say yes. He said he didn't want to ruin it. Howard said he ruined it when he said he wanted him to give him a hand job in front of a thousand people. Sal said he's a big Howard fan and he thought that would motivate him more.
Howard played the call Sal made to Larry telling him about the hand job thing. Larry asked if he's out of his mind. He said he can't do that. He said Teresa would leave him. Larry said he'd rather have Sal jerk him off. Larry said maybe they could have a sword fight. Then he said he can't do that either.
Howard said Sal is really into that guy. Sal said he's a good guy. Howard said the guys from the show are going to a Yankee game as a bonding thing and Sal is the only one bringing a date. He said his date is Larry. Sal said he's such a good guy and he enjoys the show. Sal said at least he's going. He said that some of the guys just said no. Howard said Sal is going home to pick up Larry after the show. He said most of the guys are going straight to the game.
Gary said he thinks Sal likes doing this because he gets to hang out with the big star the Long Island Medium when he goes out with Larry. Sal said he's an idiot. Gary said the guys back there said they haven't even met Larry so how can they like him. Sal said they haven't all met him but some of the guys have. Howard said all of the guys from work are going and Sal is the only one bringing a date. Sal said he's going with the group but he's bringing Larry.
Sal said Memet is scared of Larry. He said that he told him if he ever crossed Larry he might be going down. Sal said Memet the size of a 14 year old girl so he should be afraid of the guy. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he has Denis Leary there. Howard said he's never done the show. He asked if he's ever met him. Denis came in and Howard said he still looks like the guy from MTV and he hasn't aged. Denis said Howard looks younger than he does. Denis is 58 and Howard is 62. Howard said Denis really is handsome. Howard asked if that worked against him when he was doing stand up. He said that Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno were out there doing their thing at that time. Denis said that Seinfeld was getting laid a lot. He said it was really a lot. He said that Larry David wasn't getting laid at all. He said Jerry is very polite and he dresses well.
Denis said it's weird that he knows everyone on the staff and he's never been on the show. Howard said he saw him posing with Flat Ronnie on the set of his TV show. Denis said he met real Ronnie today for the first time.
Howard said he remembers Denis from MTV and he remembers Cindy Crawford saying that he was so handsome that they all had a crush on him. Denis said he never heard that. He said when he met Cindy she was married to Gere. He said he knew Randy Gerber. He said he came close to meeting Howard in 1992 when he did Fartman. Denis said he was there presenting with Cindy. He said they were on the side ready to come out. He said he saw the whole thing from the side and laughed his balls off. Howard said he got crucified for doing that. Denis said they were all taking themselves so seriously there. He said he thought it was fucking great. Howard said he aged like 15 years after doing that. He said he almost lost a finger doing it. He said he loved Metallica and they hated him for doing that.
Denis said there was a feud going on between Nirvana and Guns N Roses and the Black Crows were mad at him over something. He said he wanted to find them and go ask what the fuck was going on. Denis said that he likes Radiohead and Morrissey and they make fun of them on the TV show and the fans get pissed. Howard said he's had that from fans of Taylor Swift. Howard said his fans don't defend him but the rock stars have people defending them.
Howard said he always thought Denis wanted to be a fireman. Denis said his cousin became a fire fighter and he had a friend there in New York who worked on Rescue Me. He said the job is really dangerous and he doesn't have the balls for that.
Howard asked what kind of research he has to do for a show like that. Denis said he had his cousin Jerry's crew in Worcester, Mass. He said that you get to know the guys. He said the basic crew they work with you get to know. He said they'll fix your mom's porch or something. He said he knew a lot from them and this guy Terry was in New York and he'd go hang out with Terry and those guys. He said that many of those guys are slightly smudged versions of the characters on the show.
Howard said you have to do a lot of research. Denis said you go to dinner and all you hear are fire stories. He said he hung out so much and he'd go on the rig with them. Howard asked if he wanted to be a hockey player. Denis said he did. He said he's a big hockey fan. Howard asked if he ever thought he could be a pro. Denis said no. He said there were some kids from his school who were drafted in 1975. He said that's crazy. He said he got put in a play by a nun and he got the girl bug first. He said he was in the hall skipping class and Sister Rosemary told him to be in this play. He said every hot chick was in the audition thing. Howard said he never thought about that being a way to interact with girls. Howard said he should have done that.
Howard asked if Denis was a good looking guy in high school. Denis said he wasn't but there was another guy who was and he became a Broadway dance guy.
Howard asked Denis about his parents and Denis told Howard about how they came over here. He said his dad was a musician and played in Irish bands. He said his mom came over and saw New York for the first time and she hated it. He said she wanted to go back to Ireland. Howard said there was a great movie about that recently called Brooklyn. Howard said that was great. Denis said his mom didn't want to live there. Howard said that's how he would be. He said he's scared of it and he was born there.
Howard asked if it upset Denis that his mom had to clean homes. Denis said not really. He said she was cleaning nice homes. He said his dad was an auto mechanic. He said that they had a working class home. Howard said Denis went to Emerson and that's a nice school. Denis said the nun he told him about got him an audition. He said his dad wasn't making that much money. He said he wasn't the greatest student. He said his dad told him if he wanted a job driving for Coca Cola he could get him that work. He said that he didn't want to do that the rest of his life. He ended up getting a scholarship thanks to that nun.
Howard said he thought that was an artsy fartsy kind of school. Denis said it is. He said it's full of guys and many of them are gay.
Howard said he couldn't get laid at his school. Denis said his roommate was living in one of the dorms at Boston University. Howard said he went to all girl's schools to try and get laid. He said he sat in a vestibule watching TV while his friends were getting laid. Howard said he doesn't look like Denis. He said it's easy for Denis.
Denis told Howard he went to B.U. with his friend and his friend made a pass around the room. He said he's standing at a dorm room and the door opens and this hot chick invites him into the room. He said she starts making out with him and the next thing he knows he's fucking her. He said he got done and she said see ya later. Denis said he told his friend about what just happened after he wasn't able to find the girl he was looking for. He said that was a great time back then. He said you didn't worry about herpes or AIDS.
Howard said Denis went to Emerson and started a comedy troupe. one of the guys in it was Steven Wright. Howard said that's why he went into stand up. Howard said he describes him as this painfully shy guy and he was able to perform. He said Denis thought if Steven could do it then he could do it. Howard said that guys brilliant. Denis said that he still sees Steven. He said he sells out and he's still brilliant. He said he works with Louie C.K. on his show. He said that it's great that they hooked up. He said it's good that he's getting out of the house.
Denis said they weren't getting work back then after college. He said Steven was doing his thing on stage even being as shy as he was. He said a few times he saw him facing the back wall doing his act. He said Lenny Clarke told him he had to face the audience. Howard said doing stand up is frightening. Howard said he tried it back when they were in Hartford. Howard said he stared doing it on TV. He said he didn't like the idea of doing the same act over and over. Howard said putting your back to the audience is brilliant.
Denis said that Steven's jokes are like haiku. He said that he saw the jokes written down and they were like little prose poems. He said Lenny Clarke was great too. He said Lenny was up there talking the way he does on a street corner. He said he realized if Lenny could do that then he could probably do it. Howard asked if he was horrible at first. Denis said he was. He said he was young. He said Richard Pryor really inspired him. He said he wondered how he could do this. He said Lenny was a natural.
Denis said that he was doing this angry smoking guy character. Howard asked if he still smokes. Denis said he does. He said he quit for a year but he wasn't able to keep that going. He asked if he thinks he's going to live forever like Keith Richards. Denis said he met Keith's dad and he does the same thing. Howard asked if he thinks it's the genes. Denis said he does. He said he thinks it's genetic. Denis said his dad died young at 60 because of heart disease. Howard asked if he's banking on his mom living long and hoping that will keep him going. Denis said he is.
Denis told Howard more about Keith's dad and Howard asked how much access he had with them. Denis said they wanted to make a film with improv stuff back in 1994. He said the Stones called them and asked them to hang out and do this thing with them. Denis said the first day they meet Mick. He said it was amazing. He said that they were going to have to hang out with them for 6 months off and on. He said they would hang out off and on for that time. He said the idea was that it would all be fake. He said they had to convince Keith to do it though. He said they went to his dressing room to convince Keith. Howard said those two are the greatest musicians ever and they can't get along. Denis said that Pete Townshend wrote a book and he and Roger don't get along either. He said the day Mick and Keith get along it might be over.
Howard asked if he based his new TV show on Keith and Mick. Denis said that it's based on a friend of his actually. Denis told Howard that he was dating a girl who introduced him to the guys in the Cars. He said he lost her to one of the guys. He said that he had met his wife around that time too. He said she had just turned 20 and she was a student of his. Howard asked what class he was teaching. Denis said it was a seminar for script writing. Denis said this girl had just transferred into the class. He said that he loved Julie Christie when he was growing up and she looked like Julie Christie. He said she came in holding a puppy. He said she sat down and he said if she's funny he's fucked. He said he knew his life was over. Howard asked if it was weird to ask out a student. Denis said not at all. He said that he knew he had to try to fuck this chick. Denis said he tried to stave it off for as long as he could. He said they almost made it to the wire.
Howard asked why he has just one N in Denis. Denis said it's a gallic spelling. He said his grandfather was spelled that way too. He said his name was Penis in school because his dad had a long stem on the D. Denis said he still has friends from college who call him penis man. Denis said that Lenny Dykstra interview blew his mind yesterday. Howard asked if he believes he's a gigolo now. Denis said he didn't hear the beginning but then he heard Lenny and he was talking about the PC and the thing about not wanting to take a shit. He asked what that's about. He asked who doesn't ant to take a shit. Denis said he was handling that interview really well. He said he wasn't acting all shocked. He didn't know about the teeth thing either. He said it was so fucking crazy.
Howard said he had a game plan for Lenny and Jon Hein told him he just wanted to talk about pussy. Howard said he wants to talk pussy then lets hear. He said lets go pussy. Howard said he doesn't know baseball but he sort of knows pussy. He said he should run for president. Howard asked if he thinks he's gotten that much pussy or not. Denis said it's tough to say. He said he is an athlete. He said that they should talk about the no shitting thing and hanging out with old chicks. Howard said he wanted to keep it to just Lenny but he could have gone 15 hours with him. Denis said it was like he was stringing him along and the shit just kept coming out. Howard said he was saying he is a Picasso of pussy. Denis said that was just fucking crazy. He said he talked about his perfect cock too.
Howard said never mind that. He wants to get back to Denis. Howard said they have to get him back in there. He said Denis has to come in when he's there. Denis said he has to read his book. He said the Rolling Stones will have to buy that book.
Howard asked Denis if he plays instruments. Denis said he plays guitar very badly. Howard said he likes that song ''Asshole'' that he did. Denis said he's a horrible player though. Howard said Denis was dating this girl and he meets The Cars and the guy steals his girl.
Howard said he's doing this show ''Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll'' and they have to do their own music. Denis said they actually go in as a real band and come up with stuff for about a month. Howard asked if he writes this show. Denis said he does with another guy. Howard said Denis didn't want to do any talk shows when he started out. Denis asked how he knew that. Howard said he knows. Denis said he loved Carlin and Pryor and they were both about the same thing. He said they didn't need talk shows. He said it's all about just saying what you want. He said on a talk show you have to be tamed. Denis said he would have like 5 ideas in his head on stage and he'd just do it. He said that Jerry Seinfeld would ask why he said fuck all the time. He said he just wants to be able to talk like that and use all of those words. Howard said Jerry thinks that it's too easy to do a joke with curse words. Howard said he thinks that curse words are funny. Denis said he wants to be the angry smoking guy. He wants to be able to curse. He said he knew he could never be that guy Steven Wright is. Howard said MTV was perfect for him. Denis said he never scripted those rants on MTV.
Howard asked Denis about how they did the MTV thing. Denis said they'd take him out to Roosevelt Island and just record him doing all kinds of rants. He said they ran the spots and things got crazy. Denis said they looked pretty good and they made sense out of them. He said Ted Demi was a genius about that shit. Howard asked if he got club dates after that. Denis said he didn't get paid shit for that but he did make it up doing specials and albums. Howard said then he started making movies. Denis said that Bob De Niro sent someone down to see his show so he met that guy. He said that De Niro told him to start a production company. He said he was right. Howard asked if it was disappointing to him that his movies didn't do well when he started doing that. Denis said The Ref was a great movie and he thought it was funny as shit. Howard said it didn't do well financially. Denis said they released it in March instead of December. He said the movie company apologized for doing that to them. Howard said once you have one good movie then you can make more. Denis said that movie still has a life 25 years later though.
Howard said he's thinking about this show ''Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll'' and how perfect it is for him. Howard got back to asking about the Rolling Stones and hanging out with them. Denis said they found out that Keith didn't want to act in this movie Mick wanted to do. He said that Keith was familiar with the ''Asshole'' song and he was strumming it on his guitar. He said that Keith told them that he's not going to do any acting but he will do the playing on stage. Howard said it's great that he told him that. He said Mick has always had a hard on to be an actor. Howard said Keith knows himself and he won't embarrass himself doing something like that.
Denis said what's impressive about those guys is how hard they work and how detailed they are. He said they go to dinner and they ask about moving songs around. He said they really gave a shit. He said he realized they're fucking pros.
Howard said he thinks that they have to work as hard at that learning those songs. Denis said they start off with Keith's riff usually. He said then the drummer comes in. He said Keith looks at it like it's all about the vibe. Howard said they talk about that in the book he's reading. He said usually the drummer establishes the beat. He said that Charlie waits for Keith to start it so they're off by a beat.
Howard asked how involved they got with the Stones. Denis said they were there for a week and they went away. then they went to Giants Stadium. He said that they went to L.A. after that. He said Mick invited them to his birthday party. He said you go and he and Teddy walk up and knock on the door and some guy answers the door. He said Mick was in here dancing with a bunch of chicks. He said he waved and said hi to them. He said that they love to dance and they can dance. Denis asked how you put a number on how much pussy he's gotten. He said fuck Lenny Dykstra, Mick is the man. Howard said he'd love to interview Mick. He said if you want to compare Mick and Lenny Mick still has teeth.
Howard said Denis met Steven Tyler up in Boston too. Howard asked about where he was living and he was living in a shitty apartment building. Howard said Denis would see Steven at his building all the time. Denis said he was working at The Rat in Kenmore Square. He said his friends played there. He said that he'd stay there until 3am when the bar closed. He said this girl Angel or Angela was a fashion designer and she lived in his building. He said that she didn't give him the time of day. He said one night he opened the door and walked up and he heard this guy pounding on the door. He said he wondered what the fuck was going on and he looks up and it's Steven Fucking Tyler with his full outfit on punching and kicking the door. He said he stops and says ''Hey dude. You know if Angel is home?'' He said he said ''Aw fuck it'' and walked out. He said he told Steven that story and Steven didn't remember the story but he remembered the girl.
Howard said that these guys can get so many girls and he thinks they like working for it. Denis said imagine being like Mick Jagger and Bowie. Howard said in that case they'd fuck each other. Denis laughed. Denis said that's fucking funny. He said he wanted to ask Mick why he got married. Howard said he could ask Denis the same thing. Denis said he's not in the Rolling Stones. Howard asked what the answer is. Denis said he'd love to ask him that. Howard asked if he's still close. Denis said he saw him at a charity event but he didn't remember when.
Howard asked what happened with the Stones project. Denis said they went to visit Mick about 3 months in and they had this new kid in the band and Charlie and Keith didn't want to be involved. Howard said Charlie doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would care.
Howard asked if they got to see the guys rehearsing. Denis said they did. He said they'd show up and Mick will start playing and then Keith picks up his vibe and then Charlie is on the drums. He said they might play for 15 minutes. He said they're just warming up. Howard said he'd love to have a collection of those warm ups. Denis said sometimes Mick would just play harmonica. He said that stuff was just great.
Howard said Denis got to know Bowie too. Denis said he met him once. Howard said he wanted to know about Steven Wright. Denis said he was co-hosting a comedy show and he'd bring over friends of his. He said they'd have a British music act on the show too. He said what would happen is that the music acts wouldn't hang around with them. He said Bowie was there the fourth week and this was in 1991. He said he's a Bowie freak. He said he didn't care what happened but he had to meet him. Howard said it's almost like pursuing a woman. Denis said he was gay for Bowie for a few days. He said he thinks his wife would have understood.
Denis said he went out to smoke one day and he wondered how he was going to meet Bowie. He said he knew Bowie was a big smoker. Howard said he thinks that's what did him in. Denis said he thought it was liver cancer. Howard said lets not ruin it by talking about cancer right now. Denis laughed. Denis said he was wondering how he was going to meet Bowie and then he shows up right next to him asking for a light. He said he lit his cigarette Bowie asked him about Steven Wright. He asked what he's really like. Denis said he's trying to think of what to say. He said Bowie asked him about Bobcat Goldthwait and then they call Bowie in and he never sees him again.
Howard said they should promote his TV show. Howard said he's in the season 2 premiere. Howard said that he got the series and he got season 2 and started watching it. He said he didn't understand it because he didn't see season 1. Howard said the premise is that he wanted to be a rock and roll guy but he didn't make it but then his daughter makes it and that brings them together. Howard said he'd watch that.
Howard said that the daughter on the show is really hot. Denis said all he'd have to do is watch the pilot. He said that he wrote the part for John Corbett. He said he got some other great people for the show. He said there is drama and music but they're out to make people laugh. Howard said he has to write the damn thing too though. Denis said he did that with Rescue Me.
Howard asked about doing the Ice Age movies too. Denis said they have Ice Age 5 coming out soon. He said Howard should do something like that. Howard said he can do a voice. He did a lame voice for a character. Denis said he thinks he could get him in on Ice Age 6. Denis said that he never saw kids movies when he was growing up. He said his parents took him to see John Wayne movies and stuff. He said that he saw cartoons on TV. Denis told Howard about how he died in the movie and the kids start balling. He said they brought his character back thank god. He said he signed the first one and they weren't sure if they were going to do a second one. He said they have to come back to him, Ray and Don. He said they call Ray Romano first.
Howard asked if they give him creative freedom at the network. Denis said they are very smart over there. He said he thinks Louie did a great thing. He said he had to go off and do his own thing for his TV show. He said that was a great way to do the show. He said they let him go off and do whatever he wanted to do. Howard said the show is called ''Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll''. It's on Thursday at 10pm on FX.
Howard asked when Ice Age comes out. Denis said it's July 22nd. He said he's not sure if he's going to the premiere. He said he has to do promotion for ''Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll''. He said that needs it more than Ice Age.
Howard said he could do Ray Romano's voice in Ice Age. Howard said that his luck would be making one of these movies and it'll bomb. Howard said he could step into Ray's spot if something happens to him.
Howard said that he can do Elephant Man's voice. He did some of that for Denis. Denis said that's great. Howard did his Stephen Hawking voice too.
Howard gave Denis some more plugs and said he was worried about him. He said following Lenny Dykstra is tough. Denis said he thought about that.
Howard asked about Denis' kids and his daughter works on the Daily Show as a segment producer. Denis said his son works on ''Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll'' with him. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard asked about his brother and what he's up to. Denis said he was a teamster for a while. He said he's still driving a truck.
Denis said he saw Howard across the room once and he just realized how great his hair is. Howard said he got it cut a little short. He said that they're very lucky to have their hair. Howard said Denis has been around a long time and he's done it. Denis said they've been around a long time and so has their hair. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that. They played David Bowie performing ''Fame'' at a Howard Stern birthday show and a Beetlejuice song as they went to break.
Howard said he has Donald Trump on the phone so he has to take that call. Robin said he can't leave him on hold. Howard picked up and said he's been on hold since 7:30am. Fake Trump asked how his favorite bagel munching gun nut is. Howard said he's good. He said Donald is like 70 and he just celebrated. Trump said they had a big cake and his daughter jumped out of it. Howard said he knows he's a busy man but he wonders if he worries about his declining poll numbers. Donald said he's not worried. He said he replaced his campaign manager with an alligator. Howard asked if he's still going to build the Mexican wall. Trump said it will be built by Mexicans and made of Mexicans.
Trump had a few more things he went over with Howard. He talked about global warming and how he thinks the only thing getting hotter and hotter is his daughter Ivanca. He said Howard has a very good looking woman working for him named Memet or Lemet. Howard said he's actually a dude. Donald said no way.
Howard let fake Trump go and took a call from a guy who said he thought the Denis Leary interview was great and so was the Lenny Dykstra interview yesterday.
Robin started her news with a story about Johnny Depp and his art collection. Robin said he has a Jean-Michel Basquiat that is estimated to be worth $4.7 million. Robin said he's selling some other pieces as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he grew up watching 60s sitcoms but he didn't like Hogan's Heroes. Howard said that was one of the best. The caller asked if he can see them making a show like that about incompetent ISIS leaders. Howard said he has to go. He can't deal with that. He asked what kind of call that is.
Robin read a story about Stephanie March and how her breast implants blew up on her. Robin said she got them at 39 years old because she needed a lift. Robin said she was allergic to them and the implants burst so she had to have them removed. Robin said she's happy that they're gone now.
Robin read a story about Leonardo DiCaprio who has a new girlfriend but his people are denying that they're dating. Howard said that's the move he'd make too. He said when he was single he did some secret dating. Howard said a lot of them were asking him to keep it a secret.
Robin said they've been talking about Taylor Swift dating Tom Hiddleston and he might be the next James Bond. Robin said they say it might be about publicity because she wants to be the next Bond girl and he wants to be the next Bond.
Howard read an email about how JD pronounced the word Chorizo the wrong way. Howard asked JD to say it. JD said he says it ''Coritzo.'' He said he uses a hard Z in it. Howard laughed. Howard asked what leaf he puts on pizza. JD said ''Bazil.'' Howard said he should stick to words he knows.
Howard asked what his plans are for the weekend. JD said he's not going to say what he's going to do. He said they might go see the hot dog eating contest. Howard said Nathan's is a sponsor. Howard asked if he's a fan. JD said he went once and it wasn't that fun to watch live. Robin asked why he's going again then. JD said she wants to go so they're going. Howard played a Daniel Mendelson song parody about JD.
Howard asked why he was bitching about going to the hot dog eating contest. JD said he wasn't bitching. He said being out in public isn't fun for him. He said that's it. He said he heard JD is going to the Yankee game tonight. JD said he's not doing that actually. He said he doesn't want to see the Yankees. He said he's not much of a bonder either. Howard said he likes everyone but he doesn't want to hang. JD said he can hang. Howard said he wouldn't want to go either. Howard said he'd rather watch a game on TV. JD said baseball is done for him anyway. Howard told him to get out.
Robin said she has some clips of Caitlyn Jenner for Howard to play. Howard played some of those. Howard said she's not even trying to sound like a girl. Robin said she figured she'd sound more like a woman now. Howard said any guy can talk like a girl. He did it to demonstrate. Robin said you'd still have to ask her to do a girl voice. Howard said her voice is deeper than his. Howard did a live commercial read and then took a quick commercial break.
After the break Howard came right back and said he was performing for his buddy Pete and Kendra. Howard said he would be out the door but he had to entertain them. Pete said it's better than sitting in traffic. Howard asked how long it took to get there. Pete said it was about 2 hours. Howard asked why they even came in. Pete said they were hungry.
Robin read a story about Paul Simon talking about how he only needs 15 hours of sleep at a stretch. Robin said he was in Philly the other day and was surprised to see 4 mountains on the horizon. He put on his glasses and realized that they were tents. Robin said he needs frequent days of rest after concerts now.
Howard asked Pete how it is looking at Benjy. Pete said he can only see his cap. Benjy said Pete looks tough. Howard said he thinks he could kick Benjy's ass. Benjy said he wonders how they met. Howard asked Pete what he can bench press. Pete said maybe 300 pounds. Howard asked if Pete is rough in bed. Kendra said no comment. Benjy said he doesn't see Howard and Pete hanging out. Howard said they hang out and talk about stuff. He said Pete plays the drum in one of those Bagpipe bands and wears a dress without underwear. Howard said he has his balls hanging out when he wears a kilt. Howard said he paints Pete in the nude. He said he's his muse. Howard said he could kick Benjy's ass. Benjy said he is symmetrical.
Robin asked if Pete is a cop. Howard said he is. Benjy said of course he is. He asked what else he could be. Pete said he's on leave right now. Howard said Pete is looking at Benjy like he's nothing.
Robin read more about Paul Simon and what he's thinking about doing. Howard said he's begging him to come in there before he goes away. He asked who is more talented than Paul Simon. Robin said no one. She said he's been writing music since he was 13 years old.
Robin read a story about authorities in Switzerland refusing to give some Muslim girls citizenship because they refused to learn to swim with boys in the pool. Robin said they have denied it to others for refusing to shake a teacher's hand and wearing sweat pants in the town. Howard said he'd make them yodel too.
Howard took a call from Tommy from Malden who said that Denis Leary and Lenny Dykstra were great interviews. He asked if he saw the video of the terrorist blowing himself up in Turkey. Howard said he did. He said they're destroying our way of life. Howard said they don't build anything, they just blow it up. Tommy asked if he can imagine blowing himself up. Howard said he can't. Robin said that's how miserable they are. Howard said he's starting to think these ISIS guys are real assholes. He said he fucking hates them because they don't build anything.
Howard asked Pete what he thinks we should do. Pete said we should bomb them back to the stone age. Howard said he's right and fuck you Benjy. Howard said ISIS is like Tommy. He asked what Tommy contributes. Tommy said he contributes a lot. Howard let him go a short time later.
Robin asked if we need a heterosexual pride day. Howard said we do. He said he doesn't want any parades though. He said he doesn't mind the parades if they kept them out of the city. He said they tie up traffic. Howard said gays are getting beaten up so they need a pride day. He said straight people don't need that because they're not getting beaten up. He said that parade would be guys fucking girls the whole time. Howard said you'd notice he has 3 points of contact at all times on the woman. Robin said he'd be complimenting the woman's beautiful pussy too. Howard said the women would be squirting the whole time. Howard had Fred doing his Ronnie impression yelling at women to show their side meat and to squirt.
Robin read a story about a shirt that was just sold that had blood stains of John Lennon. Howard said that's just sick. Robin said this was from the door man of The Dakota. Robin said the door man held John and his shirt got stained from the blood and he held on to it this whole time. Howard said he has Robin's period panties if you want them. Robin said they also sold a letter that Yoko wrote to the apartment building staff thanking them for their help. Robin said a lock of David Bowie's hair went for $18,000
Robin read about Lisa Marie Presley getting a divorce from her 4th husband. Robin told Howard all of the men she's been married to. Nic Cage and Michael Jackson were two of them. Howard said they had her on the show and she was pretty hot. Howard said she's Elvis' granddaughter. Howard said that's some catch. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin asked how many people watch Game of Thrones. Howard said he's going to say 7 million. Robin said he's a little low. Howard raised it to 12 billion. Robin said they say that it was an average of 8.9 million live or within the next 24 hours. Howard said he watched it and Robin did so that's 2. Howard asked if Pete watches. Pete said he has but not religiously. Howard said this is going to take a while. He said they're suck at 2. Gary said he watches. Howard said that's 3. Jon Hein watches it. They were up to 4. Howard said they're going to be there until Midnight. Robin said that's the best numbers for the show since last year. Robin said the show averages 23 million viewers each week between all of the different ways to watch.
Howard asked who the hottest person is on the show. Robin said it's Sersi. Pete said it's the Khaleesi. Howard said he's going to say it's the queen who fucks her brother. Robin said that's Sersi. Howard said he doesn't know any names on the show. Howard said Sersi is the hottest.
Robin read a story about how Good Morning America is making Michael Strahan the lead guy. Howard said he doesn't believe that. Howard said they haven't seen him on the show yet. Howard said they don't know how he'll be. He said only an idiot would put him in a lead role like that. Howard said only an insane person would do that. He said you have to see if there's chemistry first. He said it's impossible to say he's the lead guy.
Robin said that Kelloggs is going to have a half dozen cereals available in Times Square. Robin said they'll have fresh strawberries and other toppings for people to put on their cereal. Robin read about some of the different things they'll have available. Robin said the standard bowl will cost $7.50. Howard asked what the best boxed cereal is. Robin said Cheerios. Howard went around the room and Pete said Puffs. Fred said Cheerios too. Howard said Pete is so masculine he eats Puffs. Howard said Shredded Wheat is the best.
Robin asked Howard what people in America want when it comes to guns. Howard said people want to be able to protect their family. Robin said that's right. She said the majority want to be able to protect their family with guns. Howard gave his Wolves and Sheep analogy.
Robin read about a terrorist attack in Istanbul and how the bombers blew themselves up in the airport there. Robin read some details about that and had Donald Trump's reaction to that. Trump said there is something going on that is really bad and we have to get tough or we're not going to have a country left. Robin had a clip of John Kerry talking about the attacks.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that both Denis Leary and Lenny Dykstra were great interviews. He asked if Howard has ever done any improv. Howard said he doesn't like doing that. He said he likes a script. He said he sits there all day at a microphone doing that. He asked him to brighten up. Howard said he improvs all day. The caller, Apples, said he was just wondering if he has done it at all. Howard said he's been doing it 40 years. He said he has to get off this call. He hung up on Apples.
Robin read about the Benghazi attack reports coming out and how it could damage Hillary Clinton's campaign. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on the report.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she just lost her train of thought. She started to day something about Jenny McCarthy and being up there herself but Howard hung up on her.
Robin read a story about an NFL player that died when a gun he was carrying with him went off. Robin had some audio of a police officer talking about what happened. Howard said that sounds very suspicious to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who mumbled something that he didn't understand. Howard asked if he was doing an impression. It was a guy doing an Imus impression. Howard said he would stick to doing Gary. He figured it was Sour Shoes. Howard said he's not giving up on it either. Howard let him go.
Robin read a story about the Zika virus and what it can do to a pregnant woman. Robin said they found in a study that it goes away quicker if you're not pregnant. Howard said he's against that virus. He said god forbid he gets bitten and his head shrinks.
Robin read a story about Misty Snow who is a transgender person running for office. Robin said she's advancing.
Robin asked of Howard slept well last night. Howard said he did get a good 8 hours. Robin read about how a lack of sleep can lead to a lot of problems. She had audio of a guy talking about the problems it can cause.
Robin read a story about the Backstreet Boys putting out a new album this summer. Robin had some audio of one of their original hits. Robin said that they're planning to release a new album this summer. Howard said he and Fred should do a Backside Boys reunion. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.