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Howard started the show talking about the big show they have today. He played a clip of Lenny Dykstra telling them what's coming up. Lenny said they have George Takei and Ed Torian coming in today. Howard said that's the great Met Lenny Dykstra.
Howard said their official show announcer is George Takei and he should be doing the announce. Howard played a clip of George announcing that Sal and Richard will be taking their lie detector test today. He said maybe he could test them by blowing them instead. Howard asked George if he would have stepped up to do that. George said it is radio so yes. He said Richard is cute. Howard said he likes Richard better than Sal? George said he has a broad range of likes. Howard said he figured he'd be attracted to Sal. George asked why. Howard said he is as gay as ever.
Howard asked George if he got a new hair cut or something. George said he did get it cut after he did Allegiance. Howard said George is 79. George said it's 79 and 3/4. He said only 4 more months and he turns 80. Howard said he really is an inspiration. He said sometimes he thinks about being older and he gets down. He said George is going to be 80 and he feels like he could go on another 30 years. George said he had a grandmother who celebrated every birthday and she lived to 104. Howard said he doesn't feel like he's an old dude. George said he's not. Howard asked if he can walk for miles. George said he can. He can't run anymore. He said that's from his foot surgery.
Howard said at almost 80 does he have aches and pains. George said he exercises every morning. He said he does 100 push ups and 50 sit ups every morning. George said he walks for a half hour in the neighborhood too. He said working out becomes a routine thing like brushing your teeth. Howard asked what he eats. George said he eats mostly fish and fowl. He said no gluten. He said he isn't fastidious about it though. He will eat bagels.
Howard asked George what he had for diner last night. George said he had swordfish. He said he ate at Vis-a-vi last night. Howard said that's his life.
Howard asked if he moves his bowels once a day. George said sometimes it's 2. He said welcome to the Howard Stern Show. Howard asked how often he pees. George said every two hours or so. He said it's something he's gotten used to. Howard asked if he still jerks off. George said he does. Howard asked if he uses Viagra. George said he doesn't have to.
George said yesterday was Sunday so he and Brad did their thing. They blew each other. George said they got some exercise in before doing that. Howard asked if he showered first. George said they did. Howard said good for you. Howard said that's something.
Howard said George is amazing. He said he is a spry man. Howard said he just moves like a younger man. Howard said he feels like an inspiration. Howard said he feels like he's getting aches and pains and he wonders if he's getting older or is he being a baby. George said that's part of life. Howard said George is doing 100 push ups a day. George said he has to have his feet raised up so he does them from the arm of a seat. He said they're harder that way. Howard asked if it's possible that Brad's semen is the fountain of youth. George laughed and said he'll tell him that. Howard said it could be. George said the thought never occurred to him.
Howard said he has some Star Trek stuff. George said this year is the 50th anniversary of the show. Howard said this goes back to William Shatner. Howard said he was on vacation but the boys had him on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said this was a couple of months ago. Howard played a clip and they had Shatner talking about how he doesn't know who George Takei really is. Shatner said that George has denigrated his name for 50 years now. Shatner said he's sorry for doing whatever it is he did to George.
After the clip Howard said he could go either way on this. He said he gets that he only worked with him 50 years ago. Howard said he did direct George in a movie. George said he turned that job down. He said Bill got on the phone and tried to get him to work for him. He said Nichele Nichols got on the phone and tried it first. George said that she's much more generous than he is. Howard said he sort of understands Bill's point of view. He knows who George is but you don't really know the person. Howard said he and Paul Giamatti did some scenes together and he gets what Bill is saying. Howard said Bill had so little to do with George on the set. Howard said George sees it a different way and he was directed by him. George said that they had parties on the set though. He said they had a party every week. Howard asked if he brought a woman with him to the party. George said he did but he also had some buddies. He said everyone got it other than Bill. He said it went right over his head.
George said that they would talk at the parties and he got to know Bill there. He said he called things as they were in his book. He said when there was a fire on the back lot they were working and they took Bill and Leonard off to pose with a fire hose. He said he described that in his book and he heard on the radio that he had saved Paramount studios. George said he called it as it was. He said when Deforest Kelly died Shatner was the only one who didn't show up. He said it was like that with Leonard Nimoy as well. He said they'd all get together for events and Bill was the one who was never there.
Howard said if he did show up for those things it would help them all make their brand stronger. George said that's right. He said that they asked Nichele to be part of their wedding and he had Walter Koenig as the best man. He said that they had their Star Trek friends there and he invited everybody from Star Trek. Bill didn't come. Howard said he said in the press that he didn't invite him. George said they did invite him. He said they said when they sent out invitations that he got it. He said he's sure he got it. They got no RSVP. George said they thought nothing of it until 2 months after the wedding when he said he never got an invitation.
Howard wondered why Bill would do that. George said they were puzzled. He said they were driving down the road and saw his new TV show that he was doing. He said it was called Raw Nerves. He said putting out the press release was the way to get publicity for the show. He said that's when he started talking about Bill. He said everything he said was factual. He said they did send him an invitation.
George said that maybe if he wanted to come he could have called them and they would have sent another invitation. He said since then he's been delivering a steady stream of criticisms about him. Howard said it must be fun for him though. George said it is. He said he can be very forthright about the situation. Howard said if he made up with him it might be boring. George said they talk about holding grudges but he's never had one with Bill. He said it was just when he started lying about them that he did. He said he just wants to correct the record.
Robin said at some point in William Shatner's career he must have said he was locked into this Captain Kirk thing but he wants to have a career and separate himself. Howard said he may be doing that. George said he's being relentless about it. Howard said it is a show from 50 years ago and he did other shows like TJ Hooker and that lawyer show.
Howard said this is extremely gay. He said as a boy growing up in the 60s and 70s he'd be freaked out if a guy asked him to do that. He said he would have freaked out and not done it. Howard said Sal and Richard are constantly looking at each other's penises and touching each other. He said he doesn't think they are fully in touch with their penis.
Howard said Richard was getting married and he had a bachelor party but it was just with Sal. He took Sal to Atlantic City. George laughed when he heard the story. Howard said he's gay and laughing at this. Howard said they had couples spa and all of this stuff. Robin said Sal asked if he wanted to go to a strip club and Richard said he just wanted to cuddle up with Sal.
George said he thinks some people have pan-sexual tendencies. He said he saw a play called Falsettos and it was about a man who falls for another man. He told Howard about the musical and Howard asked if George was the only one in the theater. George said it's a very successful play. Howard started to sing his own song that could be in a musical like that. George laughed. Howard kept it going for a few minutes and had George cracking up.
Howard said they have a top lie detector test guy coming in to test Sal and Richard. He said that's the point of the whole day. Howard said George will also be doing the lighting of the penis today. George asked ''What?'' Howard said Sal and Richard will be wrapping their penises with Christmas lights and George will plug them in. Howard said last year Shatner did it. George said he's Jewish. Howard said he is but ''Shhh'' don't tell anyone.
Howard said George's play Allegiance is back for a day on December 13th. Howard said you can find out more about that at FathomEvents.com
Howard said George put his own money into the play. George said he did. He said that they made the mistake of opening the same year as Hamilton. He said they shot it with 4 cameras and that's what will be playing on December 13th.
Robin said she got an email from George and it was a whole political thing. She said that they were talking about camps for Muslims and things like that. George said that's why they want elected officials to know about the internment camps that they had in World War II. George said that they had a seat reserved for Donald Trump at Allegiance and he never showed. George said they want people to learn from their show and work it into their lives.
Howard said George has done it again. He said he can't wait to see that movie. George said Howard will enjoy it. He said they tell two love stories in the play. Howard started to sing again. He said he's going to take a break but he has to have George do an announce. Howard said he is willing to admit he knows George unlike Shatner. Howard said they have to get to Sal and Richard too.
Howard asked George to do his announce. He played a clip of George doing a read about Robin's slot. They went to break after that.
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Howard took a call from a guy who was doing a George Takei impression and talking about how he was about to jump into the shower. The caller also said George has a bit of a hypocrite in him. He said he's been on the show for 10 years and he dogs the guys about how they eat and all of that. He said then he saw him on a commercial for Taco Bell eating a big cordito. Howard said he has to pay for that musical somehow. Howard asked if he has a dilemma about doing that. George said to be honest he does eat fast food occasionally. He said he's not being a hypocrite. He said it's everything in moderation though. George said sometimes he'll eat a dessert but only if they bring him one because they like him. He said they never order it.
Howard asked how Brad's weight is. George said he's losing it. He said he's starting to look like the old Brad. He said he sees that portrait of himself and he's getting back to it.
Howard said he gets the dessert thing at restaurants. He said he will have a spoon full of it. Howard asked George if he thinks he'll ever just say fuck it and get fat. George said no. He said that you go into restaurants and you walk out so full that it's uncomfortable. He said he doesn't care to feel that way.
Howard asked if George cut a commercial in Spanish for the election. George said he did. He started speaking Spanish for Howard. Howard asked how he learned the language. George said that he grew up on Skid Row and he learned it hearing it there and in class. Howard said he must have a high IQ. George said his college minor was Hispanic language as well.
Howard asked George to say something to Fred in Spanish. George said he asked if he asked if he understands what he said in Spanish. Howard said he doesn't speak the language.
Howard said he has Lee Kingsnatch on the phone to teach George some Japanese. Howard put him on with George and George started speaking Japanese and Lee was speaking his own form of Japanese. Lee said they may have met in Central Park many years ago. Howard let Lee go a short time later.
Howard said Robin from time to time is fancy with pronunciations. He asked if she's saying ''Tehran'' correctly. George said she's close. Howard had Robin saying ''Kenya'' and George said it the right way. Howard said she also says ''El Chapo'' in a weird way. Howard said she says Ricky Gervais as Ricky ''Jer-Vay.'' Howard said Ricky says it ''Jer-vase.''
Howard took a call from a guy who said if Sal and Richard turn out to be gay would George let them be in their Sunday shenanigans. Howard said they'll have to take it one step at a time. Howard said they have to figure it out and take it from there.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's considering breast reduction surgery. She wanted to know what Howard thinks. Howard said it's wrong. He said that Robin did that and he understood what she was doing. her back hurt and things like that. The caller said that's her problem too. She said she's 5'2'' tall and 135 and she has an F-cup or a triple D depending on where she gets it. She said she has a butt too. She said she's Spanish and she's curvy. She said she thinks she's good looking too. Howard said if you're not then what's the point?
Howard said you have to be careful with the surgery. Howard said Robin went to a good surgeon and she doesn't have scars. Robin said she has some but they're very hard to see. The caller said she'll go to someone reputable. Howard said he gets it if she has to do it. Howard said maybe she can go down to a D. Robin said she would say go C-cup. The caller said if she had to use padding that would be the best. Howard said just make sure the tits come out as far as the ass.
Howard asked Sal if he's on Prozac today. Sal said he's not but he is on some beta blockers. He said it's reducing some stress and anxiety. Howard said he's taking something that beats lie detector tests. Sal said he takes this stuff daily so it's not something out of the norm. Howard asked if he's afraid he's gay. Sal said no. He said he's afraid that they'll make him come off as gay.
Howard explained why he thinks Sal and Richard might be gay. He talked about the bachelor party and what they did that night. Howard said Sal masturbated into a shirt without Richard knowing about it. George gave that an ''Oh my...'' Richard said he may have got some on him. Sal said no.
Howard asked why he had to jerk off that night. Sal said he needed to decompress and think of vagina when he went to bed.
Howard said Richard also took baths with that friend in high school. He said that they would try to bite their fart bubbles.
Howard said Richard also left Will Murray sexually explicit voice mail messages when he was drunk. He touched tongues with Joey Boots. He said he watches gay porn and finds it funny. He said he continues to go to the bathroom with Sal. He said they've also painted each other's cocks. George said there are people who are pan-sexual. Howard said they would fuck a pan. Howard said Richard offered to blow Ronnie for a million bucks too. George said he would challenge their taste there. Howard said Richard also asks about callers and if they're hung.
Howard read another note about what Sal did with a friend when they were young. Howard said he might be gay. He played a song parody about Sal and Richard and why they might be gay.
Howard read more of the gay stuff that Sal is known for. Howard read some notes about gay stuff that guys can do and how they can be okay with touching penises but kissing is crossing the line. Richard said he does this stuff as a goof. Howard asked Sal if his wife is going to leave him if they find out he's gay. Sal said she's not. He said he's not gay. He said he's not even close. George said ''the lady doth protest too much.'' Sal said if he's gay then Robin is white.
Howard said the lie detector test has a needle and he's going to bury the needle. Howard said they have to find out who is gay now. Howard said they have the lighting of the penises coming up too.
Howard asked if anyone has anything to say. Sal said it's over. He said he knows how this works. He said he knows what's going to happen. Howard said Ed Torian has the questions and he's the one who will be asking. Sal said he thinks he'll send that machine out of whack. Richard said he knows that they won't believe it if he comes out as straight. Howard said he will believe it. Fred said he thinks Sal is the dark horse. He said he's very nervous about it. He said he thinks Richard will pass and Sal will fail and find something out about himself today. Robin said she thinks they're both gay.
George said he thinks Richard is pan-sexual. He said Sal is being resistant and he might be gay. George said he wouldn't be so nervous and resistant. He told him to be confident about who he is. Sal said he is and he's saying he's not gay. He told George to stop it. Robin said Sal wears makeup. Sal said that's so he looks nice.
Howard asked Gary who thinks they're gay out there. Gary said he thinks Richard will pass the test. He said there are sociopath who pass tests like that. He said Richard is the opposite of Sal. Richard said he's thinking even if he passes no one will believe him so he doesn't care.
Howard said he thinks Sal will fail. He said he's way too nervous to be straight. Howard said he knows he's gay. Sal said it's because of this show.
Howard took a call from the intern who did the research about Sal and Richard. That guy said he was straight but now he's super gay after doing the research. He said he loves being gay now. Richard asked if he's hung. The guy said he is so Richard told him to come in.
Howard said they have Ed Torian coming in next. Howard said they'll take a break and then get right to it. He did a live commercial read. During that commercial they were talking about Benjy not being in the studio and Robin's email. Robin said she cleared out her email after the discussion they had last week. Sal told Howard to give her a lie detector test about that. Howard finished up the live read and then went to break.
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Howard asked if he has met the new Sulu. George said he had lunch with him. He said he's very good looking. He said he's like him but young. He said it's John Cho. He said he's happily married to a Japanese American woman too.
Howard said everyone is waiting for this gay or straight thing. Howard played a bumper and then got to Ed Torian who has been at this for his entire life. Howard said that's what Ed has been doing. Ed asked if that's Howard. Ed asked how Howard is doing. Howard said he has devoted his life to finding out the truth. He said the new equipment is much improved. Ed said he has been using this for the last 5 years and it's computerized now. He said the analog and computerized are just as good as the other.
Howard said he's going to test Richard first. Richard said he can get naked of he wants to. George wanted that so Richard asked if Ed is okay with it. Ed said he can do what he wants. Richard said he shaved for this too. Howard asked Ed if he has tested for gayness before. Ed said yes. He said it's a big business. He said gays use a lot of polygraph. He said they want to make sure that the partner is who they think they are. He said they're the best people to work for.
Howard asked Ed to get in front of the microphone. He asked if he just said they're the best customers. Ed said they're easy to deal with and once you give them the results they're fine with it. He said they're easy to deal with. Ed said some people don't agree with the results but the gay people do.
Howard said they have to get Ed on microphone. He said the great Ed Torian is going to test Richard first. He said he has the questions and he has studied them. Howard said he has studied for this. Howard said they're going to find out if Richard and Sal are gay. Howard asked if Ed is ready. Ed said he just needs a couple of seconds. Robin asked if the hook up is the same. Ed said it is. He said you can see it.
Howard asked if Ed has ever tested himself for gayness. Ed said he has not. Howard asked if he's ready. Ed asked for a couple more seconds. Howard said he's reading Richard right now. Howard said Richard can hear them but they will cut them off in a second. Howard said Richard is naked right now. George wasn't able to see it. Howard said he can walk over and see it on his monitor. Howard had him come over. George took a look but he noticed Richard wasn't very excited. George told him to take his shirt off too. Howard said they can't hear George if he's standing there.
Howard said it's just cock. He said it's not that impressive either. George agreed. Richard said he's a grower. Ed said he just needs a couple more seconds. Howard said he can play a song parody. He did that while Ed prepared.
Ed was ready so Howard turned things over to him. Howard said now they'll find out if Richard is gay. Ed asked Richard if he has any gay feelings. Richard said no. Ed asked if Richard gets a boner bathing with his friend in the bathtub. Richard said no. Ed asked it again on the microphone.
Ed asked Richard if he got aroused looking at Sal's ass. Richard said no. Howard said he just scribbled fruit on his answer. Ed asked if Richard would like to lick Sal's asshole. Richard asked him to repeat it. Howard had him do it with a straight face. Ed asked it again. Richard said no.
Ed started laughing again and asked Richard if he has ever tasted his semen. Richard said no. Howard told Ed to grow up. Howard said he doesn't think Richard even believed that answer.
Ed asked if Richard has ever been aroused watching gay porn. Richard said no. Howard said there's no way that's true. Ed asked if he has ever masturbated while thinking of another man. Richard said no again. Howard said he hesitated for that one.
Ed asked if Richard has ever experimented sexually with another man. Richard said no. Howard said Richard is lying and he just came. Ed asked if he has ever had gay intercourse. Richard laughed and said no.
Ed asked if Richard has ever sexually fantasized about Howard Stern. Richard said no. Howard said he believes that. Ed laughed again and asked if Richard if he has ever achieved an erection while thinking about Sal. Howard said Ed just scribbled down ''Bullshit.''
Ed asked Richard if he finds his cock attractive. Richard said yes. Howard said of course he does. Ed asked Richard if he is turned on by his balls. Richard laughed and said no. Howard said that's a lie.
Ed asked if Richard has ever been aroused watching gay porn. Richard said no again. Ed asked Richard if he's turned on when a man shoots a big load. Richard said yes to that. Howard said that's gay that he admitted that. George said he believes that.
Ed asked Richard if he gets a boner bathing with his friend in the bathtub. Howard said some of these are asked twice. Ed asked if Richard would have liked it if during his bachelor party weekend Sal had jerked him off. Richard said no. George said Richard would have liked that.
Ed started laughing and asked Richard if he has ever been aroused sexually by the touch of another man. Richard said no. That was the last question.
Howard asked when they're going to get the results. Ed said he can do it whenever he wants. He said he can go over this and then bring Sal in. Howard said he can take a break and then he can analyze and then give them the results and then get to Sal. Ed said they can do that.
Robin suggested doing the test during the break and then get the results later. Howard asked if this is going to be very interesting. Ed said it is very interesting. He said he can see why Howard is the greatest. Richard said he was laughing during the test so he hopes that doesn't throw things off.
Howard said he'll let Ed get set up with Sal and take a break. He asked him not to laugh during the next test. Ed said he'll try.
Howard asked George what he thinks. George said he thinks Richard wasn't being very candid or forthright. Howard played some song parodies about Sal and Richard being gay. He did a live commercial read after that.
Howard got back to Ed Torian who was set up with Sal in the green room. Howard asked Sal how he's holding up. Sal said he's doing the opposite of Richard. He said he's not going to laugh. He said he's going to be the man he is and be 100 percent straight. Howard asked if Sal was grabbing his chest during the set up earlier. Ed said he was and he's never been touched like that.
Howard said Ed has been doing this a long time. Ed said it's over 30 years. Howard said Sal has kept his clothes on. Sal said he's taking this seriously. He said he has kids. Howard said he should leave his wife if he is gay. Ed said he should. Sal said he can have his wife if he wants her.
Howard said Ed is straight but he's here to find the truth. Howard said some men must not know their inner feelings. Ed said ''To each his own.'' Howard said George used to try to hide it. George said the fire is in you and you see a gorgeous guy...
Howard said Shuli was telling him that he was peeing one day and Sal grabbed his cock. Sal said it was a joke. Howard said that's some joke. Howard asked Ed if he would kiss Sal or Richard. Ed asked if he was kidding him. Howard laughed.
Howard asked if Ed is ready now. Ed said he is. Howard had the guys get the microphone on Ed. Ed said Sal was looking at him. He had him look straight ahead.
Ed got into it and asked if Sal thinks Richard understands him better than his wife. Sal said ''Wow!'' Ed said he has to answer yes or no. Howard had Ed start over because they had microphone problems. Sal's answer was yes. Sal said that was a tough one. Howard said they have to get a second microphone on Sal in there. Howard said he has some crew out there. Howard had the guys do that before moving on.
Ed started over again. He asked Sal the same question about Richard understanding him better than his wife. Sal said yes again.
Ed asked Sal if Richard is more loving than his wife. Sal laughed and said no. Howard said he just saw smoke coming out of Ed's ears.
Ed asked Sal if he has ever thought about Richard during sex. Sal said no. Howard said he's going to flunk so bad.
Ed asked Sal if he has ever sexually fantasized about Howard Stern. Sal said no. Howard said that's a lie. Ed asked Sal if he has ever thought about having secret sex with Richard. Sal said no.
Ed asked Sal if he has ever fantasized about Fred Norris. Sal said no. Howard said we all have so that's a lie. Ed asked Sal if he finds cock attractive. Sal said no. Howard said he sees Ed laughing. Sal said he has to think about that one. Ed asked the question again. Howard said Sal's makeup is running. Sal said he finds his cock attractive so yes. Sal changed his answer to yes. Howard said he's going to be so gay. He said the kids just locked the door to the house. Howard said Ed is even shocked. He said his hair just turned white.
Ed asked if Sal is sexually attracted to Larry Caputo. Sal said no. Howard said he's lying there. Ed had a problem with the machine. One of the belts popped off of Sal. Howard said that must mean something. Howard said Sal's wife is on a plane with the kids and leaving for another country. He said that belt must have been a homophobe and popped off Sal.
Ed asked Sal if he has ever eaten his own ejaculation. Sal said yes. Everyone let out a ''Ohhh!'' Howard said he knew he was gay.
Ed asked Sal if he secretly wishes he was Howard's significant other. Sal said no. Howard said he can't wait to find out the answer to that. Howard said he thinks he was untruthful.
Ed asked Sal if he secretly wishes he were Howard. Sal said no. Howard said he saw Ed's eyes light up there. Howard said they just wanted to know the answer to that. It has nothing to do with him being gay.
Ed asked if Sal thinks Gary is a good Executive Producer. Sal said no. Ed asked Sal if he voted. Sal said yes. Howard said he bets he flunked that.
Ed asked Sal if he has said the N-word in the last year. Sal said this isn't gay stuff. Ed asked it again and Sal told Robin to cover her ears. He laughed and said ''yes.'' Robin asked when. Sal said it was for comedy purposes.
Ed asked Sal if he believes white people are smarter than black people. Sal said no. Sal said this isn't gay stuff. He said he'd rather be gay than be asked these questions.
Ed asked Sal if he believes all Jewish people are cheap. Sal said no absolutely not. Howard had Ed ask another one. Ed asked Sal if he thinks all Muslims are terrorists. Sal said no, not all. Robin said he's not telling the truth.
Ed asked Sal if he is afraid if Muslims. Sal thought for a second and said no. Howard said wait until you find out he answered falsely.
Ed asked Sal if he hates people of color. Sal said no. Howard said that's a lie. Howard asked if that concludes the test. Ed said that's it. Sal asked what that was all about. George said that he's racist. Sal said he's not... you gook. He said he was kidding of course. Howard said they have a new term for Sal. He's ''Gacist.''
Howard asked if they're going to be shocked by the results. Ed said they will be. Howard said they will take another break and get to that. Howard said he thinks Sal and Richard will be gay. He said that the only man who knows the truth is Mr. Ed Torian. Howard said he's the man behind the lie detector. George said this is a very boring lie detector test. He wanted something more erotic. Sal asked if he wants him to drop his pants too. George said yes. Sal pulled his pants down and George took a look on the monitor. George was saying that he likes that better than Richard's. Ed left the room. Howard had Sal sit down.
Howard said George just came on his back. Ed said last week he was doing mob guys and now he's doing the ''snowflakes.'' George said if Sal isn't gay he should be with that penis. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back and said he loves this song. Fred had Robin singing over it. Howard said she sings beautifully. He said she sings like an angel.
Howard said he's sitting there with Ed Torian who has been in the business for 30 years. He said just last week he was testing the mob and now he's testing Sal and Richard to find out if they're gay. Howard said people rely on him for the truth. He said they're all excited about this. Ed said today they have him doing snowflakes.
Howard asked if the mob guys were all straight. Ed just laughed. Howard said the first person he tested was Richard Christy. Howard said he's been doing nude, gay antics on the show for a long time now. Howard asked Richard if he has anything to say. Richard said he's straight so that's all he's saying. Howard said Ed is shaking his head.
Ed said he's glad seeing Howard again. He said it's been a long time. Howard said if it was up to him he'd have him up there every day. He said he has a lot of questions about a lot of people.
Howard asked Ed what Richard's results were about having gay feelings. Ed said he was being deceptive on that one. He said he had a big spike on that one. Howard asked about the results of the boner question. Ed said he was truthful about that. He said he was deceptive about looking at Sal's ass. Howard said he said no to licking Sal's asshole too. Ed said he was deceptive on that one too.
Howard said this is all legit. He said based on those questions he's gay. Howard asked if Richard was telling the truth about not tasting his semen. Ed said he was truthful on that. He was being deceptive about getting aroused when he watches gay porn.
Howard said they asked if he has ever masturbated while thinking of another man. Ed said he was deceptive on that one. Howard asked what the results were about experimenting with another man. Ed said he was truthful on that. Howard said it sounds like Richard is gay but hasn't tried it.
Ed said Richard was deceptive about thinking about Howard while having sex. Howard said you see what he's dealing with. George said he's ready to embrace Richard and welcome him to the club.
Howard said they asked Richard about having an erection thinking about Sal. Ed said he was deceptive with that. He said he was deceptive about being attracted to cock. He said he was truthful about the balls. He was truthful about a man's load turning him on.
Howard said holy mackerel. He played a song parody about Sal and Richard being straight yesterday but not today. Howard asked about Richard saying he didn't get a boner in the tub with his friend. Ed said he was truthful. He said he was deceptive about being turned on by the touch of a man.
Howard said he thinks that Richard is gay and he just hasn't acted on it. Robin said she thinks if Sal had offered him something on his bachelor party night he would have done it. Fred said this seems serious. He said if Sal is straight then it's going to be a major issue.
Howard asked Sal if he's going to stop the hijinx with Richard if he is straight. Sal said no. He said he's fine with it. Richard said he's fine with it all. He said he's not gay.
Howard asked why he's so far in the closet. George said he thinks he's pan-sexual and he's taught to suppress that. Howard said Richard is gay but he's so repressed he buried it. Howard said the lie detector brought it out. George said he's not saying he's gay. He said he's just very sexual.
Howard said he can't wait to hear the phone call from his dad. He did an impression of Richard's dad calling to say he just heard he's gay.
Howard said Richard is 100 percent fruitful. He asked if a lot of men lie like this. Ed said a lot of gay people are truthful. He said they're not looking to suppress anything. He said they just want to verify that their partner is truthful with them.
Howard said Richard failed 78 percent of the gay questions. He said that's proof to him. Ed said you look at Richard you can tell. He said he's smiling about it. George said he's all sex and pan-sexual.
Sal said he loves Richard and if he's gay he's fine with it. Sal said he's not worried about his test. Howard said his guess is that Sal is gay. He said he believes he has repressed feelings. Sal said he thinks he's wrong.
Howard asked if Sal is afraid his family will disown him. Sal said no. Howard said it's time to find out. Howard asked if he doesn't want to know the results. Sal said he knows he's not gay. Howard said Richard thought he wasn't gay too.
Howard said they're going to find out if Sal is gay. Howard asked Ed about the questions they asked Sal. Howard said they asked if Richard understands him better than his wife and he said yes. He was truthful according to Ed.
Howard asked about Richard being more loving and Sal saying yes. Ed said he thought he said no. Sal said he said no. Ed said he was lying. Howard said he knew he was lying about that. He said Sal has marital issues at times. Sal said it's a fine line. He said his wife is more loving than Richard.
Howard asked about the question they asked about Sal thinking about Richard during sex. He said no. Ed said he was deceptive on that one. Howard said he has thought about Richard. Sal said he hasn't. Howard said he's on drugs that should hide those answers. Sal said you can't control what you see while fantasizing about sex. He said Richard's face may have popped up during sex. He said that's not a lie. Howard said he was deceptive. Sal said maybe it has subconsciously.
Howard asked Ed about the question about Sal thinking about secret sex with Richard. He said no. Ed said he was deceptive on that one too. Sal walked out. He came back and said he needs a commercial break. Sal said get out of town with that.
Howard asked if Sal has fantasized about him. Ed said Sal was deceptive on that one so yes he has. Howard asked about the question they asked about Sal sexually fantasizing about Fred. Sal said no and he was truthful.
Howard asked if Sal finds cock attractive. Ed said he was truthful about that. Howard asked if he was truthful about Larry Caputo. Ed said he was deceptive about that one too. Howard said he knew it.
Howard said they asked if Sal has ever eaten his own ejaculate. Sal said yes and he was truthful. Howard asked about the one about him wanting to be his partner. Sal said no but he was deceptive. Sal told the truth about not wanting to be Howard Stern.
Howard asked about Sal voting and if he told the truth. Ed said he was truthful. Howard said they asked if Gary is a good Executive Producer and he said no. Ed said he was deceptive on that one. Sal said he did that to bust his balls. He said he told Gary that during the break.
Howard asked Ed about Sal saying he has said the N-word in the last year. Ed said he was truthful with that one. Howard said they asked if white people are smarter than black. He said no. Ed said he was deceptive. He said he was deceptive on the Jewish people question too. He was deceptive with the Muslim people being terrorists question too. Sal said he doesn't think all Muslims are terrorists. He said he wasn't afraid if Muslims and he was deceptive with that.
Howard said Ed's service to the show is invaluable. Howard asked if Sal and Richard want to make out. Sal said no. Robin said she thinks it'll take a couple of days to come around. Howard played a song parody about them being gay.
Robin said she's backing up the lie detector test in all of that. She said she knew Sal voted and the lie detector picked up on that. Howard asked Ed if he's holding him up from something. Ed said he's not. Howard asked if he's nervous about the gay guys around him. Ed said he's never had a guy touch him before. He said Sal did that while he was setting him up.
Howard asked what Sal thinks about being gay. George said he loves that they're both gay. Howard took a call from a woman who said she doesn't know how they're going to recover from this. She also asked Howard if he would fail that test too. Howard said he's 100 percent normal.
Howard asked Sal if he's going to tell his sons. Sal said there's no reason to. He said he's not gay. Sal said he'll tell them not to listen to the kids at school. He said his semen made them and he's not gay.
Howard said he thinks Richard is lying to himself. He said Ed Torian found them out. Howard said he has really liberated them. Ed said look at Richard smiling. Richard said he knows he's straight. George said bathing with a guy in your mid-teens he thinks it's a pan-sexual thing to do. Richard said George sure loves that term. Howard thanked Ed for coming in and testing the guys. Robin said in a few years Richard will be all the way out. Richard said in 10 years they can play this tape and find out.
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who said it's so great they have a racist gay guy there. Howard said he has a guy on the phone to book them for a gay cruise. Howard took the call from one of the guys in the back who was saying it's 100 percent white cruise so Sal doesn't have to worry.
Howard took a call from a guy who said they're dancing in the streets of Chelsea to celebrate. He welcomed Sal and Richard to that and Sal to the KKK.
Howard said he didn't expect this. He said he thought one would be straight. Ed said they didn't ask them directly ''Are you gay?'' Howard said hook them up and find out. Howard said everything they asked was gay. Ed said they didn't ask directly. Howard said Richard for sure and Sal too.
Howard asked what Ed thinks. Ed said he thinks both are gay. Fred said he thinks they both have a toe in the water. Howard asked if they wanted to dance as he started the song ''YMCA.'' Sal said yes. Then they were touching Ed. Howard let Ed go and said they'll find out next if Benjy is still fat. Howard said everyone just piled out of there. Robin said there's a lot to absorb. Howard said that was exciting. Robin said she had a feeling they were gay. She said it was fascinating.
Howard said Beetlejuice just cut a new song about pussy and money. Howard said it's called ''Money, Money, Money and Pussy.'' He played the song which was beet singing that he loves money and pussy. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard asked Straight George what his childhood was like. Straight George said it was great being in the internment camp. He said it's easy to finger a girl when you're in a bed with 8 other people. Straight George asked George to look at Robin's boobs. George said he is doing it. Straight George asked Robin to jump up and down and let them jiggle.
Howard asked Straight George if he has ever bone to the Rambles in the park. Straight George asked what that is. Howard told him that's where gay men go to have sex. Straight George threw up.
Howard said he's not sure that George gets what's going on there. Howard said the guy on the phone is Straight George Takei. George said he's both. Howard let Straight George go a short time later.
George said he has to meet this George. Howard tried hanging up but Straight George kept telling Howard to hang up first. George asked if he's really there in real time. Howard said he is. It was actually pre-recorded but they told George he was live.
George said that person was very good whoever it is. Howard asked him to just have theater of the mind. George said he sees what he's doing.
Howard said girls were swooning over this guy. He had the song playing. He said he got a note from the guys saying he's bald now. Howard asked what you do if you have one hit song. He said you can't sustain a living. Robin said he performs in the Philippines. Howard asked why they want to see him. Robin said it must have struck a chord there. George said they love good singers there.
Howard said this was a good song. He said it was kind of wimpy. George said it's lovely. Howard said he remembers Dolly Parton saying she wishes she had written this song. Howard said it has to be devastating to have a hit song and never have another one. Howard said it must be tough to have a career and then go work in the Philippines. George said he worked on two films there himself.
Howard said illegal guns are carried by people who are criminals. Howard said legal guns are statistically carried by people who do things the right way. George said people are safe in New York because of the licensing they have there.
Howard said he heard that George is supporting something and he can't remember it. Gary asked if it was breast feeding. Howard said it wasn't that. He said it was Santa Claus being black. Robin said she saw that. Howard said he did too. He said that some people are against having a black Santa. George said it's racist. He said in Los Angeles they have a lot of Asian Santa. Howard said he thinks George is upset with people who are against black Santa. George said no but then yes. Howard asked where he is.
Howard had Benjy come in and said he's really gotten fat. Benjy said he's been out of the studio a few weeks. He said he was fat before but he's gained more. Benjy said he's focusing on sleep and not the eating. He said he stuffs himself before he goes to sleep. He said it does something that gets him to sleep. He said he's trying not to use drugs. Howard said you just lay there and if you sleep you sleep. Benjy said it's getting better for him. He said some day he'll be able to sleep and diet.
Benjy said when he has a good sleep he's excited about eating well but then he eats. Robin said she doesn't know what to say. George said he was hot when he was thinner.
Howard said Benjy wanted to talk to Robin about something. Howard said she had over 5000 emails in her inbox. Howard said he got a lot of tweets and comments about what he said about email last week. He said Robin says she's down to inbox zero as of this morning. Robin said she's at zero and she can unsubscribe to things she has to and take care of the things she has to.
Howard asked Benjy what his problem is. Benjy said it's not a problem. He said he found it interesting when he said Robin was looking for someone to be her parent. Robin said she didn't want Howard's help. Benjy said she was upset about it at the time. Howard said Robin hasn't had a lot of guidance in her life. Howard said she doesn't get advice. Howard said she was looking for someone to step in and give her some advice. Robin said she was not.
Benjy asked if Howard realizes he was doing the same thing for himself years ago. Howard said he does. He said he still has the need. He said it's only through shame that we neglect that need. Robin said ''What?'' Howard said we need a parent or someone to take care of us. Howard said he's filling the role for Robin.
Howard said he helped Robin a lot. He said she had over 4000 emails and now she doesn't. Howard said she doesn't like to think about it. Robin said she doesn't like Howard to be worked up about something going on with her. Benjy asked if Robin worries about Howard. Robin said of course she does. Howard asked what his point is. Benjy said he thought it was fascinating that she was calling out for a parent. Robin said she fixed it immediately because she didn't want Howard upset. Howard said he did check in with her with an email and she actually got it. Benjy asked if Robin is still calling out for a parent. Robin said not with email.
Howard said it's been great with Benjy not in the studio. Benjy said he wants George to get him back in there. Benjy asked George how many times he thinks he's been late in the last 500 shows. Howard said he doesn't know. Benjy said it's only 2. Howard asked how many times he should be late. George said they all try to be punctual. Howard kicked Benjy out of the studio. He said he was late twice since July. Robin asked how it was twice in 500 shows then. Benjy said in the last 500 show it was twice. Howard had to kick Benjy out again. Howard said George is unlucky. Anyone who sits there gets kicked out.
Howard gave George a plug for his play/movie which is going to be out for one day on the 13th. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard thanked the boys for coming in. Howard said he can't get control of the show. Sal showed George that he has a light in his butthole. Robin said the lights are falling off. Richard said he thinks George just poked him in the ass. George said he was doing something with the lights. He said it's a jolly, jolly Christmas indeed.
Howard thanked the guys for that and let them go. Howard thanked George for that too. Howard said it was very nice. Howard said they had to put on towels so they're not walking around naked there. Howard said they do this every year like clockwork. Howard said President Obama did it last year. This year it was George. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Howard said Robin went to India and turned her ass right around. He said they have an epidemic of kids on the street over there. He said he's recommending the movie because he liked it. Robin said she always likes a good recommendation.
Howard said the NAACP stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and some white guy said he's sick of that and he wants a WAACP for white people. He said he must have thought the N stood for something else.
Howard said he got some email about Robin and her email problem last week. Robin said she likes using AOL and that's part of the problem. Howard said just use the Apple mail service with her computer. Robin said she's never seen it. Robin said she has never bothered to go look. She said she likes AOL.
Howard said Jillian Barberie wrote about Robin's cover of the National Anthem. Howard said someone accused her of getting the lyrics wrong. Robin said they edited that song and it wasn't her. Howard played the song so George could hear it. George said she doesn't hit some of the notes. Howard asked if that's right. Howard read some more email about Robin singing. He said that's something.
Robin said there's some sad news about the man who invented the Big Mac dying. Robin said he was 98 years old. Howard asked if George has ever done a McDonald's commercial. George said he has not. Howard said he must have gotten paid well for doing the Taco Bell commercial. George said it did pay well. Howard asked if he put up a lot of his own money for the musical Allegiance. George said he put up about a million. Howard said George's commercial ran during the Super Bowl. George said he watched the game just for his commercial. Howard asked if he gets free Taco Bell for the rest of his life. George said he didn't but he wishes he had.
Howard asked how long it takes to shoot a commercial. George said it was a day. He said they had a few people in it including a football player whose name he didn't know. Fred played the commercial audio.
Robin read more about the Big Mac creator who came up with it in 1967. Robin said they have a half billion servings of it in the U.S. alone. Howard said the news is the guy died but McDonald's isn't going anywhere. Howard said Jason told him he's sitting Shiva for the guy. Howard asked what his name was. Robin said it's Jim Delligatti. Howard wondered if his favorite cartoon is Baba Booey. Robin said he came up with it to grow his business at his McDonald's franchise. Robin said he owned a few franchises.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they can get a look into the studio when Robin is singing one of those songs. Howard said they will have that up on HowardStern.com soon. He said they take it very seriously. They played more of Robin singing. Howard said if George put her in his musical the fans would have come out in droves. The caller said he could have gotten his million back.
Robin read a story about Joe Walsh getting an award from the President. Howard said he watched that and it was great to see Joe getting the recognition. Robin had some audio of President Obama speaking and talking about Joe's rowdy life. Robin had some other details about the awards. Robin said this will air on CBS on December 27th.
Robin read a story about a Syrian girl whose Twitter account disappeared after she posted something about the bombings over there. Robin said the account has been deleted.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she is a big fan. She said she has to thank Howard so much for saving her life from her bipolar depression. Howard said she's not alone. Howard said most people who listen are bipolar. Howard said most importantly is she hot? The caller said she's cute. Howard asked how tall. She said she's 5'4'' and about 160. Howard said ''Okay, thank you for your call.'' Robin said he's so bad.
Robin said the man who invented General Tso's Chicken has also passed away. Howard said that is a fantastic food. He said he doesn't know who that man is but they honor him all the time. Howard said he thinks he became famous when Nixon brought him back from China. Robin said this guy created it in his restaurant when Nixon opened communications with China. Howard asked who General Tso is. Robin said we don't know. Robin said the dish was created in the 1950s and it was named after a 15th century Chinese leader.
Howard said he has a friend who took in a turkey and it's so friendly. Robin said she hears cows are wonderful. Howard said they're as smart as 3 year olds. George said there are giant carp that like to be petted and you can feed them by putting food in their open mouth. Howard said he likes not eating chicken, turkey and meat. Howard said he still eats fish though. He said Beth wants to stop that too though.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if George washed his hands after touching cock. George said he has not washed but he just got close to touching it. Howard said he saw him licking his fingers. George said Sal has a nice cock. He said he likes that it's uncircumcised. He said Brad is as well. He said he likes variety. He said it's all uncircumcised now. Howard said he's 79 years old so he has to calm down. Howard said he must have been pleased they found out Sal was gay. George said most people are a little bit of both.
Howard asked if Brad is as big as Sal. George said he's thicker. He said he was impressed with Brad's cock when he met him. He said he had a great body as well. Howard asked if he had a small cock would it have let him down. George said he was young back then so it may have. Howard asked if Brad has a pink asshole or brown. George said it's brown. He said he's losing weight and he may get his old Brad back. Howard said some guys have a pink asshole. George said he knows. Howard asked if his asshole turns him off at all. George asked if it should. Howard said he doesn't know.
Howard asked if George has seen a cock that's too big. George said no. He said he's gotten used to Brad's. He said he knows how to handle that. Howard asked if he has taken it in the ass. George said they don't do that anymore. He said they have but not anymore. Howard asked what else they do. George said they can touch and do things. He said they have been together 30 years and maybe 5 years into it they stopped the anal. He said Brad didn't like the process. Howard asked why he doesn't take it in his ass. George said he likes the sucking part more than that. Howard asked if brad would put it in his ass if he asked for it. George said he might. He said he really doesn't miss the ass stuff. Howard said let him in tonight and let him know how it goes.
Howard asked if they blew each other yesterday. George said they did. Howard asked if he's on his back when he does it. George said sometimes he's kneeling and Brad is between his legs.
Howard asked if he makes up a fight when they wrestle. George said it's a sensuous wrestling. Howard asked who is more vocal. George said he probably is.
Howard asked George about doing it early on and George said he has fantasized about other men. He said he'll have to explain to Brad why he did that. He's never told him that before. George said he would fantasize that Brad was someone else. He said he never did that guy though. Howard asked about Brad's load and if things make it taste different. George said that asparagus can change it. He said it usually tastes the same.
Howard asked George if he was up for the role in Karate Kid. George said he wasn't. He said Pat Morita did a good job with that role and he's glad he got it.
Howard asked George if he blows Brad on a Sunday and he wants to do it on Monday, can he cum. George said he might but it won't be as much of a load. He asked Howard why he's so fascinated with this. Howard said if he had just put George on stage to talk about this stuff he could have made more money than Allegiance did. George said they couldn't ask elected officials come if they did that. Howard said sure they could.
Robin read a story about the Canadian cops who were threatening to use Nickelback songs to punish drunk drivers. Robin said she talked about that last week. Robin said the band is asking the police to remove that Facebook post about punishing the drunk drivers. Robin said the band has demanded that they take down that post. Howard said there was a report from Boston that this show was used to get Noriega to surrender. Howard played a clip from a news report about that. In that clip they said that when Noriega tried to escape the troops played Van Halen and Howard Stern Show clips until he surrendered. Howard said he loves that. He said he's not insulted at all.
Robin read about how there was no will for Prince's estate. Robin said there are a lot of his relatives coming forward trying to claim part of his estate.
Robin read about Dolly Parton organizing a telethon to help the people in Tennessee who were affected by the fires there. Howard said he thinks she's still upset with him. He said she's got to be in her 70s and she looked pretty fucking good to him. He said she looked kind of hot. Howard asked Fred how old she is. Fred said she's 70. Howard said she keeps her body in good shape. He said her face is pulled back like a clown but it looks good.
Howard asked George if he's had any work. George said no. He said he's 100 percent himself. He said he exercises and eats properly. Howard said he eats cum too. He said he should bottle that and sell it as a youth drink.
Robin read a story about a Southwest airline flight that had to be diverted when a passenger went into labor. Robin said someone on board helped deliver the baby. Howard asked how far along she was. Robin said they don't say. Howard said if you have a baby on a flight, do they charge you for an extra person. Robin said she doesn't know about that.
Robin said that Nestle is reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate and not changing the taste. Robin said the new sugar allows them to lower it by 40 percent.
Robin read about how airlines charge for everything but Chuck Schumer says that United is going to start charging for luggage in the overhead bins. Robin said Schumer said if they get away with it then other airlines will follow their lead.
Robin read a story about how some people in New York think there is some gridlock that's planned to discourage people from driving in the city. Howard said he hopes that's not true. Robin said there are some who think that's going on to get people to use public transit. Howard said that would be horrible.
Howard said he was reading in the paper that there was this teenager who threw a cat out a third floor window and laughed about it. Howard said he and his wife will take it for rehab if they have to. He said it's so sad what people do with abuse. Howard said these people are on their way to being real maniacs. George said it's another life and to be so cruel is wrong. Howard said they're angry. George said there are sick people in this world. Robin said that person may have been mistreated as well. Howard said he's willing to do something if they need help with it. Robin said there is a woman who made sure to follow up about the cat. Howard said he heard that teen still had AOL and she had over 5000 emails in her inbox. Fred played a modem dialing sound and the ''You've Got Mail'' clip.
Robin read a story about a fraudulent American embassy in Ghana that was just closed down.
Robin read about how Parkinson's disease may be starting in the gut and not in the brain. Robin read the details of that story.
Robin read a story about pumping iron after 60 and how it is different than when you're younger. Robin said that they say that they're as large and strong as a 40 year old. Howard asked what his problem is then. George said you should keep it up. Howard asked if George worries about how much time he has left. George said he's Buddhist so he doesn't worry. He said his grandmother lived to 104 so he's looking at that as a goal. Howard said that's still only 24 years. Howard asked if he fears death. George said no. He said if it's going to happen it's going to happen.
Robin read a story about a fire that wiped out a warehouse in Oakland, California. Robin said 33 bodies have been found in the wreckage. Robin had some audio of the mayor talking about telling the families about their loss.
Robin read a story about Saturday Night Live continuing to be social commentary on the President Elect. Robin said once again they opened the show with Alec Baldwin doing his Trump impression. Robin had a clip from the show. Robin said Trump didn't appreciate Saturday Night Live once again. He tweeted that he just tried watching Saturday Night Live and it was unwatchable and totally biased. He thinks the Baldwin impression can't get any worse. Howard said he's going to drive himself crazy if he keeps watching this. George said he thinks he's going to get impeached and his term won't be that long. He said the trouble with that is then they get President Pence.
Robin read a story about Mike Pence talking about Trump stepping in to stop another company from moving to Mexico. Robin had some audio of Pence talking about that.
Robin read a story about a new Neil Diamond album that's coming out. She had a clip to play. Robin had a new Pentatonix song too. Howard had a Robin singing clip too. Robin had other Christmas songs that were out. Howard said they all sound the same. Howard would play a clip and then turn it right off. Robin had a bunch of clips that Howard would play and cut off.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
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Howard started the show singing along with his opening theme song. He was singing about doing Roll Call with the guys in the studio. Howard sang that he's an extra big douche today. He said he sounds like the guy in the B52s Fred Schneider. Howard tried doing an impression of him singing ''Love Shack.'' He said he loves that guy.
Howard asked if Fred and Robin were ready and then if Benjy was ready. He said just kidding since he's not in the studio.
Howard played a clip of fake Underdog Lady announcing what they had coming up on the show. She said Robin and Howard will try to decipher what JD is saying.
Howard said he was reading the paper today and Jimmy Kimmel is going to be hosting the Oscars. Howard said that's a big deal. He said he will be terrific at it. Howard said he's his friend and even his friends are becoming power players. Howard said he's actually the only power player. Robin said people he's influenced are getting invited to the White House and things like that but Howard never does. Howard said it's called the Howard Stern Bump.
Robin said someone was being honored the other day. Howard said it was Joe Walsh. Robin said it was someone else. Gary said it was Bill Murray. Robin said she wondered why Howard wasn't there. Howard said he gets asked to do a lot of things like that but he says no. He wasn't invited to the Bill Murray thing though. Howard said anything that has to do with the president he's shunned. Howard said he's controversial. He said with the election of Trump maybe now people will honor the controversial. He said he swears it's a badge of honor not to be invited though. He said he's done so many things that question his sanity. He said there are times he wants acceptability though. He said at the same point if he was a treasure he wouldn't be right. He said it's a weird fucking thing.
Robin said even Howard doesn't know where he belongs. Howard said he has financial success. Robin said even if he's not honored she'd like to know why he's not at this Bill Murray kind of thing. Howard said he wasn't invited to that. He said there are things he has said no to and she'd be surprised at what he turned down. Robin told Howard to think of a few things and bring them in. Howard said they'll move on now.
Howard said he's excited for Jimmy Kimmel. He said Jimmy cares and that's the most important thing. He said he doesn't just wing it.
Robin asked if Howard is into the Alexa thing or the Google thing that's like Alexa. Howard said he heard it's cool but he doesn't have it. He said he has so many things that he doesn't use.
Howard said he finished the Bruce Springsteen book (Born to Run) and it's excellent. He said he's a very thoughtful guy. He said it almost inspired him to write another book. He said people want him to write one but he's not ready to do that. Howard said he's written his book Private Parts but things have happened since then that he'd write about.
Howard said he's reading another book now. He said that's what he's into. Howard said Beth went to a movie premiere and he had to go to bed early instead. Howard said he'd like to be able to go with Beth. He said he has to sleep though. Howard said he just goes upstairs and beats off. He said he can have his own fun. He said he jumped into bed and watched The Walking Dead. He said it was fantastic this week. He said it's every bit as good as any movie he's seen. He said the whole thing was fantastic.
Howard said they say that Bruce got a 10 million dollar advance to write his book. Howard said give him that much and he'll start right now. Howard said he watched the big crossover on the WB with Supergirl, Arrow and The Flash. Howard said they're putting a lot of money into these shows but they're not great shows. Robin said she's getting bored with the shows. Howard said everyone has super powers on the shows. He said he was watching the green arrow and he had to hone his skills. He said they had his sister on the show and she got just as good as him after a couple of lessons from her step father. Howard said that's not cool. He said with the old Superman show the reason it was good is because he was the one super hero.
Howard said this show was a special occasion. He said it reinvigorated the show. He said he got tired of that after a while. Howard said he's reading a book that a friend told him about. He said this guy Joe told him about it. He said he was an English teacher. Howard said he asked what he can read to learn about history. Howard said he's reading a book about the Battle of Peleliu (With the Old Breed: At Peleliu and Okinawa). Howard wasn't sure if he was pronouncing it correctly so Gary told him what Brent told him it was.
Howard said this book is about how vicious the war was. He said that they are questioning if we even needed to fight them there. Howard said it makes you understand why we had to bomb them. He said they were relentless and a lot of our boys were being killed. Howard said he recommends this book. Robin said she won't read this one. Robin said she does not like to read about people dying for no good reason. Howard said she should read it. Robin said she doesn't read that stuff. Robin said she won't read The Lone Survivor either.
Howard said he's reading a book about how to organize. He said that he can't remember the name of that one. He said if he had his Kindle he'd know it. Gary asked if it's ''The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.'' Howard said that's it. He said it's a great way to organize. Howard said you can't clean your whole apartment. He said you have to do it all at once. He said that's what she suggests doing. He said you do it all at once. He said he's going to read this book.
Sal came in and said it wasn't intentional. He said he blew a load into a girl's mouth and he tasted it when he kissed her. Howard said he might be gay. Howard asked what the fall out was yesterday. Sal said his wife asked how work was and he said fine and walked away. Howard said Richard was gay as well. Howard said his dad called him on the voicemail. He played a fake bit that the guys made with fake Richard's Dad. He told Richard not to come home for Christmas unless he wants to make his mom cry.
Howard said Sal's son called him too. He played a clip of a kid telling Sal not to come home and move to Pakistan or something.
Howard said his life isn't that good. Sal said his son's did ask how work was. He said he couldn't look them in the face. He said he looked at a pillow and said it was great. Howard said he should have showed them a picture of him wearing the Christmas lights. Sal said George's eyes popped out of his head when he saw that. Howard said George liked his cock. Sal said he knows and he wishes his wife liked it that much.
Howard said he caught Sal with another weird thing. Howard said they were off but some of the guys were working. He said Gary says to Sal to go through some games and find the stuff they haven't played in a while. He said he was told if he deletes anything in the system tell Gary about it. Howard said they caught Sal deleting his own game without telling Gary. Howard said they caught him. Howard said they knew he'd do it and he did. Sal said he didn't do it. Howard said he took it off the fucking thing. Sal said he took it off but didn't delete it. He said he just moved it.
Howard said he knows why he moved it. Howard said you have to hear this. He said they asked Sal to name a country that borders France. Sal thought about it and said The Middle East. Howard said that's not even a country. Then he said Pakistan and Amsterdam. Howard played the clip and asked Sal what he was thinking. Sal said they took a train from France to Amsterdam so it has to be close.
Howard said they asked Sal how many senators there are in each state. Sal said 4. Howard said there are 2 in each state. Howard said Sal isn't gay, he's retarded.
Howard said they asked Sal when Teddy Roosevelt was President. He gave every answer but the right one. Howard played the clip and Sal said he was president in the 50s or maybe the 40s. Then he made it the 60s. Howard said Sal ended up deleting this game. Howard said they caught him. Sal said he's so funny. He said he eliminated a few other games. Howard said only the games that were partially used.
Gary asked Sal if he gave him a list of the games he eliminated. Sal said he had a list initially. Gary said he should have had a list. Sal said he should be involved with the discussions. Sal said he was told to do the clean up. He said he put stuff in a temporary folder and that's what he did. Gary said they looked through everything and it was odd that his game had 30 questions in it and the others only had 2 or 3. Howard said Sal should admit he took it down because it's him. Howard said Sal loves air time so it doesn't make sense. He said he had to be embarrassed by it. Howard let Sal go after that.
Howard said poor Sal. He said he'd never get away with killing anyone. Robin said he might as well turn himself in.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Sal is going to go through gay conversion therapy now that he's been found gay and he's a Trump supporter. Howard said he probably will.
Howard took another call from a guy who brought up the Battle of Peleliu. He told Howard it's something that a lot of people don't know about. Howard said you have to read it so we don't repeat history. The caller talked about some of the stuff they talk about in the book and how he thinks that the people who fought back then thought about nothing but fighting for this country. He said he thinks it's dead these days. Howard said he disagrees. He said he has a good friend named Jameson who is every bit the fighting spirit. Howard said he did a couple of tours of duty. Howard said so did Sergeant Dan. He said that they have a great spirit and all of that.
Robin asked Howard if we have ever learned from history. Howard said some people have but not everyone has. Howard said he's reading a book, that's the point. Robin said he thinks he's reading it to prevent it but that's not what it's about. Howard said things have changed for the better.
Howard had Fred alert the media. He played a Morse code clip as he was talking about that. Howard said he's going to go he heaven for all of this cat stuff.
Howard said they have a cat that weighs 30-some pounds. Howard said they're going to get him on a diet. He said his name is Maurice. He said he's living with him right now. Howard said these animals are so sweet. Howard said it's a good thing to have no adoption fee.
Howard said he has to talk about what's going on with fantasy football lately. He said he has a new Ronnie Poem coming up too. He said he has some new phony phone calls to play too. Howard said they call a radio show and he's playing his mother and father. Howard said there are about 20 hosts on this show. He said they keep popping in and out of the show. Howard said his parents call in to admit they practice incest with their son. Howard said it shocks the hosts of course. Howard played the phony phone call and the guys called this show and they had Howard doing the voices of his parents talking about how they would make out with Howard's friends and things like that. Then they had Howard doing the voices talking about incestuous things they did. They eventually hung up on them. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's heard about this Pizzagate thing. Robin said it's a fake story. Howard said Pizzagate was this thing on the web and it was a fake story. Howard said this is a devious plot that other countries are up to. He said they have groups of people who give out disinformation. He said they try to confuse the idiots in this country. Howard said no one looks for sources. Howard said this story turned out to be a fake story. He said it was about a pizza parlor that had a pornography ring that Hillary Clinton and others were involved with. Howard said this was a fake story. He said some guy reads this and he investigates it. Howard said the guy goes in with an assault rifle and goes to investigate. Howard said the guy shot up the place but no one died. Howard said this is what's happening in this country. He said it's changing everything. Howard said it's a bunch of morons who believe anything they believe. He said they're gullible and dumb people.
Howard said these are the same kind of people who donate to people like Jim Bakker. Howard said you hear this all the time. Howard said if he were president he'd get rid of people with an IQ below 110. Robin said now here he goes. Howard said he's just fired up.
Howard asked the caller what he has to say about it. The caller brought up some things that were in emails from this guy Podesta. Howard cut him off and thanked him for listening to him. The caller said he loves Robin's titties. He said he wants her milk to pour all over him. He said he'd suck them like Lenny and get all the milk out. Howard said leave him along with internet fake stories. He said he's there to do gay lie detector tests.
Howard said he was listening to these Jim Bakker clips and he's thinking about how this guy was in jail but people are still giving him money. Howard said this guy is back on TV selling food buckets for when the world blows up. Howard said listen to this. He played a clip of Bakker talking about how we're in our last days and you need these buckets. Howard said he was in jail for mail fraud, wire fraud and more and now he's selling this stuff. Howard played more of the audio of Bakker talking about the civil war we're in and how you need to order food. He said warfare is coming and God spoke that to him that day.
Howard said he was saying that Trump was the guy to elect to save the country but now he's still saying that it's the end of the world. Howard said this is what's going on. He said if he got on the air tomorrow and said God came to him in his bedroom and told him to sell food because end of days is coming, you'd have him locked up. Howard said somehow these guys go on with a straight face and do it.
Howard said they had this big heavy set guy who came on and sang a song about the food buckets. Howard played audio of that guy singing. Howard said he thinks he'd rather die than go through the end times.
Howard took a call from a guy who was selling shit buckets. He sang a song like the guy in the Jim Bakker show. Howard hung up on him pretty quickly.
Howard played a clip of Pat Robertson talking about a follower of his who thinks she has a haunted house. He says there are spirits like that and she should sell the house and let someone else deal with it. Robin said he doesn't care and he just tells her to unload it on someone else. Howard said he's giving advice over the TV. Howard said he's not selling food buckets at least.
Howard said you have to hear this. He played another clip of Pat Robertson giving advice to someone having family problems. Howard said he doesn't know a thing about it but here's his answer. Pat Robertson talks about how daughters can be the sweetest things in the world but they can go through puberty and they can get nuts. He said women have these cycles every month and they go crazy. He said it's a sin against God. He said if they're not honoring their parents they're sinning against God. Howard said this guy is out of his mind. Howard did an impression of Pat and made up even crazier stuff about women and their periods. He was giving advice about stoning the girl to bring her to her senses.
Robin said she has some information on Jim Bakker. Robin said he defrauded his followers of $158 million. Howard said now he's selling food buckets. Howard got back into his Pat Robertson impression and talked more about the evil period. He talked about pouring concrete into her vagina to teach her a lesson. Howard said once that was in there she sobered up. Howard, as Pat, said shove a bible up a girl's vagina and that will straighten her up. Robin asked who would still be willing to buy something from Jim Bakker. Pat wasn't sure about that. He told Robin about another girl who was made to live in a tent in a back yard to teach her a lesson. He said a lot of these kids like living in a tent. Howard kept going as Pat telling Robin that sometimes they have to sew the girl's asshole shut. He said they're just some of the techniques they teach at the Pat Robertson television school.
''Pat'' was telling Robin she has a big mouth. He said he's going to shove her vibrator in her mouth after dipping it in holy water. He told Robin that they really have to discipline kids better these days.
Howard said he likes the woman who sits next to Pat. Howard said she has to get paid. He said you have to go along with that bullshit. Robin asked if people really write into that show. Howard said he thinks they write their own questions. Howard did more of his Pat Robertson impression.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his parents paid to get into the Jim Bakker place. He said he was brought there when he was like 14 or 15. He said his dad went bananas on his mom for giving money to them. Howard asked who is buying those food buckets. The caller said he goes crazy when he hears that guy's name. He said stop giving money to these people. Howard said the public is stupid. He said they're back on TV and selling stuff.
The caller said the place that Bakker ran is all covered in weeds now. He said no one gives a damn about it. Robin said now he's selling the food buckets to help people with the future apocalypse. Robin said he's playing on people's fear. Howard asked if he's selling chips and dip or something. Robin said there was something in the song about burgers made of beans. Howard replayed the song from the Jim Bakker clip. There was something else about chips and salsa in the song too.
Howard read about Heritage USA in 1986 being the most visited theme park. Howard said he really screwed that up. Howard said they must have gotten greedy. Howard played more of the song. Howard said he'd get on there and sing about what happened at Heritage USA. Howard wondered where all of these idiots live who fall for this stuff. Howard said it would be great if they got into JD's wedding and they broke into this song.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who is more of a nut job. The guy from Scientology or this Jim Bakker guy. Howard said he doesn't put down Scientology because all religions are just as kooky. Howard said they believe aliens came down and populated our world. Howard said that's not much different than believing a magical man came down from the sky. Howard said all of those stories are just stories you're supposed to learn from but people take them literally. Howard said people started taking them for real.
Howard said the story if Jesus is the story of The Walking Dead. Howard said the Jewish stuff is even wackier. Howard said it's all a racket. He said religion is a racket. He said he's a very spiritual guy. He said he believes in behaving himself and treating people well. He said he'd just being a good person without believing those stories.
Howard asked who would believe that God visited Jim Bakker. Howard said he's read the bible and that guy can really fuck with you. Howard said God can be very angry. Howard said of all people he chose Jim Bakker. Robin said he's not saying he's going to save him though. He's telling him to sell this food.
Howard said if God is visiting Jim Bakker then there's something really wrong with God. Howard played more of the song that the guy was singing on the Jim Bakker show.
Howard said Yucko the Clown was over at Rockefeller Center. He played a clip of Yucko interviewing people out there. He was out there singing and insulting people on the street.
Howard played a George Takei announce and then a prank call the guys made to a guy with fake George Takei asking him about a rim he had for sale. He made a lot of sexual references to the rim thing. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard took a call from a guy who said he put up a billboard with ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' on it. Howard said he saw that. Howard said there's a commercial with ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' in it too. Howard said he has a bunch of clips to play too.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's been working as a webcam dominatrix for 4 years now. She said she thinks Sal's cum tasting fetish is very popular. Howard asked if guys jerk off and taste it. The caller said that some of them do that. Howard asked if she's like she is on web came in her real life. The caller said she's not. She said she has two kids and she's married. She said she thinks she's attractive. She said she'll sit there and she's kind of cunty so she does her job well. She said it lets her get her frustrations out.
Howard said this is some business. Robin asked what she can make. the caller said she doesn't do it very often now. She said she was making from $1000 to 2000 a week for about 15 hours of work. Howard said that's pretty good. Howard said you don't have to pay taxes on that. She said she actually does. She said she's trying to become a police officer now too and she thinks this makes her more qualified for the job.
Howard asked if she has to take an intelligence test for that. She said you do. She said there is a lot that goes into it. She said she knows how to fire a gun and all of that. The caller said they used to care about that webcam kind of stuff but not so much anymore. Howard said Gary just gave him a picture of her. He said she's pretty hot. Howard said they could use her as an under cover cop.
Howard asked if she does the dominatrix thing in person or just on camera. She said it's only on camera. Howard said that seems to be a great gig. He said you don't have to be involved with any guys. Robin said you just talk dirty. Howard asked if she calls herself Mistress. The caller said she does. Robin said maybe she'll do this when she retires. Howard asked what this caller's name is. She said she's Mistress Brooke online.
Howard asked if she sees the guys. She said she can. She said there is a cam to cam option. Mistress Brooke said the other day there was a guy who was into CBT which is cock and ball torture. She said that he had like 9 clothes pins on his balls and she was watching this. She said she was cracking up. She said she made like $100 just for watching and laughing at the guy. She said she doesn't get off on it either. Howard asked if she ever rubs her vagine. She said no and they're lucky just to get to see boobs.
Mistress Brooke told Howard that she's seen small penises and Howard is big compared to some. She said there are a lot of small ones out there. Howard said he's 6 when he's hard. He let Mistress Brooke go a short time later.
Howard played more of the audio of Jon talking about ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' and how he never really uses it himself. The host of the show asked Jon to yell it out for him. Jon said if it was another show he might do it. He gave him a Baba Booey instead. Howard played audio of Jon saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' a couple of times.
Howard said Jon should have said the story was so boring he should talk about something else. Howard played a clip of a fan yelling out ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' during a free throw during a basketball game. Howard played a second clip from that game where someone else got in a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard played a song parody about ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' too.
Howard said he has a fan yelling out Baba Booey at the same game. He said they're near the announcer so here you go. Howard played that clip and the guy got in a loud Baba Booey.
Howard said he has Desmond Howard saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' on a show. Howard played that clip and Desmond threw it into some commentary. Howard played another clip from a show where a woman got in a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard said Desmond might be the first black person to say ''Hit 'em with the Hein.''
Howard said on Good Day New Mexico they ended the show with a ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard played that clip and one of the hosts got that in. Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody.
Howard said this is really taking off. He said he doesn't understand the phenom. He said that even Robin didn't predict this.
Howard said Jake Fogelnest said ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' during a report on a news program. Howard played that clip too.
Howard played a clip of a guy on CNBC saying ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' during a discussion about credit card fraud. Howard played another song parody after that.
Howard said he's so sad that Florence Henderson didn't get to hear that. He said Prince and David Bowie didn't get to hear it either.
Howard said on QVC one of the hosts got in a ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' too. Howard played that clip and they were on location at an ice skating rink when the guy got in the ''Hit 'em with the Hein.'' Howard played another clip where one of the hosts asked if the guy had said something about hitting a Hynd. She thought he was using his own last name in the ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' thing. Howard said he's laughing at the people who bought this thing called the Snow-Joe on QVC.
Howard said a Toyota dealership used ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' in a commercial. Howard played that and it was Bach Toyota. Howard asked Robin what she thinks of that. Robin said ''Hmm.'' Howard played another ''Hit 'em with the Hein'' song parody. Howard said they sold 0.0 more cars after using that.
Mark asked if he can jump to protect him. Howard said he thinks Ronnie wanted to be a cop but he failed the exam. He said it may have been his psychiatrist. Mark said they didn't like his crayons. Howard said he has protected him against a group of kindergartners. Howard said Ronnie did say he was in a gang in high school. Howard asked Ronnie what gang that was. He said you have to hang with Ronnie. He said he was talking about the old Chinese guys not being accepting about George Takei being gay. Howard said he didn't even correct Ronnie. Howard said he said Chinese yesterday. Ronnie said he knows he's Japanese. He said it's the same thing.
Howard asked what gang Ronnie was in. He said they were The Hitters. He said the other side of the street were the Collegiates. He said they were the guys going to college. Howard asked if he wore a leather jacket. Ronnie said he did. He said he wore boots too.
Howard asked Ronnie if he was a tough guy. Ronnie said no, they just hung out. Howard asked why he didn't join the police department. Ronnie said he did. Ronnie said he got in and passed all of the tests. Ronnie said he took the test and they had a police training program. He said he took it at 17. He said that he wasn't allowed to go on the street until he was 21. He said he took the test and all and he was about to go into the academy. He said he got engaged to a girl and her father was rich and wanted him in the family business. He didn't want his daughter to be married to a cop so he didn't go in. He said they ended up breaking up but it was too late to be a cop after that. He would have had to start all over again. He said they broke up 2 weeks before the wedding.
Howard and Fred did this impressions of Ronnie and goofed on him for a short time. Howard asked what the father did. Ronnie said the guy was a liquor importer. Howard did more of his Ronnie impression. Fred got in on that too.
Howard asked if Ronnie was friends with any of the collegiates. Ronnie said he had some but he didn't hang out on that side of the street.
Shuli came in and said that one of Ronnie's buddies told him some stuff about Ronnie. He said that he talked to this guy named Cozy Michaels. He said this guy approached them and said he had some stories. He went to school with him. Ronnie said the guy didn't go to school. Shuli said they're exploring everything Ronnie. Ronnie said Jon Leiberman was going to do this but he never did. Shuli said the guy told him that they'd get out of their cars at stop lights and have fake fist fights. Howard asked why they did that. Shuli said he doesn't know, maybe they were retarded.
Shuli said they would get chicks and put sheets up between the front and back seats so they could fuck girls. He said Ronnie was fucking girls at 16 and only doing anal. Ronnie said he was only 14. He said that it was a catholic school girl.
Howard had Cozy on the phone. It was one of the guys in the back doing a Ronnie impression and pretending to be Cozy. Howard didn't keep him on for long.
Shuli asked about a Chinese restaurant they used to hassle. Ronnie said that they did. Shuli wanted to hear him do his impression of what he did to the guy out there. He would speak in fake Chinese. Ronnie refused to do it. He said they never hurt anyone.
Howard asked if the woman who blew Ronnie is still around. Ronnie said he doesn't know about that. Shuli said there was a girl that Cozy told him about. Ronnie said he saw that Cozy was hitting on his ex-wife on Twitter. He said that's how he got in touch with him again recently.
Shuli said Cozy told him about this girl that Ronnie told him about who gave great hand jobs. Ronnie said they were in the car at the time. He said you didn't have to know her. He said you just got her number and met her by her house. He said he called her up and she got in the car and said nothing. He said she had weird fucking eyes. He said she was cute too. He said you'd go to a spot and park and she didn't care where it was. He said she just did it. He said she'd jerk you off and then walk away.
Howard asked how long it took to jerk him off. Ronnie said it didn't take long. He said she would take her two fingers and make the peace sign and wrap it around the head. He said she did something. He said she didn't use lube. He said it was amazing though. He said she'd take the load all over her hand and then get out and leave. He said she never said a fucking word. Howard asked how many times he went to her. Ronnie said he went every once in a while. Howard said he wishes he knew someone like that.
Howard said that's so romantic. Ronnie said that guy told Shuli everything. Howard asked if he could find her on Facebook. Ronnie said maybe he could. He said that she'd just get in the car and stare at you. Howard said maybe she was a dude. Ronnie said he knows for sure she was a girl. Howard asked if she cared who she jerked off. Ronnie said she didn't care. He said as long as you got her number from a referral she didn't care. Howard asked how many times she jerked him off. Ronnie said it wasn't that many times. He said he'd call and ask her to meet and she'd give a time and meet him out there.
Shuli asked what Ronnie's nickname was. Ronnie said he didn't have one. Shuli said this guy said he was the brains of the operation.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were pretending to be the Chinese restaurant owner. then he took a call from the girl who jerked Ronnie off. Her voice would go from high to low like it was a guy pretending to be a girl. She was saying she was so good at it because she's practiced a lot on her own cock.
Howard said that girl may have ended up in a mental institution. Ronnie said she wasn't getting paid for it. He said it was fun though. Howard asked if he ever tried to fuck her. Ronnie said there were rules. He said it was just jerking off and no touching. He said she was cute though and he would have liked to fuck her. Howard asked if he was afraid that she'd cut his dick off. Ronnie said no way. Howard said if he had that number he'd never give it to anyone else. Howard said he'd keep it quiet.
Ronnie said he kept it quiet when he fingered his mother's friend. He said he was over watching her kids. He said she was playing Mahjong at his mother's house. He said she was okay looking. Ronnie said he heard stories about how she and her husband weren't getting along. He said he had never thought anything of it. Howard asked how old he was. Ronnie said he was maybe 16 and she was in her 30s. He said he was in the house watching TV and she came in. He said the kids were asleep. Ronnie said she started making out with him. He said she was giving the vibe. He said they were laying on the couch and he was fingering her. He said he didn't get her clothes off but he did finger her. He said he lifted the bra up too. He said she jerked him off and it never happened again. Howard asked if she had a big, full bush. Ronnie said she did. He said he never did it again because she had a husband. Ronnie said things were kind of weird after that.
Howard asked where he came. Ronnie said she took it in her hand. Fred yelled out ''Catch!'' in his Ronnie voice. Howard asked if he smelled his fingers after he fingered her. Ronnie didn't remember doing that. Howard said he must have. Ronnie said he didn't give a shit. He said he just remembers walking out and thinking ''Holy fuck!'' Howard asked if he talked to her after that. Ronnie said of course. He said they were neighbors.
Howard said he must be a good looking guy. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said when he was 9 he was caught making out with another 9 year old. He said this girl was 9 too but she wasn't great looking. He said that he was nice to her and one day they were hanging out and making out. He said his father walked in and asked what the hell was going on there.
Howard said he's like Ronnie Hefner. Shuli said he was getting anal at 14. Howard asked if that's right. Ronnie said yes. Shuli said one of his favorite songs is ''Cathy's Clown'' because that's a song that reminds him of the girl he did anal with.
Ronnie said this girl went to Catholic school. He said he'd meet her on the corner and go to his house. He said they'd screw around. He said his dog would watch and lick his asshole when he was messing around with her. He said that he wasn't banging her though. He said she'd jerk him off. He said the dog would watch and if he was on his stomach he'd lick his ass. Howard said dogs do love ass.
Ronnie said the girl moved away but then he found her in the Bronx. He said he'd sneak up there to see her. He said her parents hated him. Howard wondered why. Ronnie said they were strict catholic. He said his father pulled up and saw him at a bus stop. He said he told him never to be near his daughter but he kept seeing her.
Howard said Ronnie loves pussy. Ronnie said her sister used to rat them out. Howard asked how far the dog would stick his tongue in his ass. Ronnie said it was just a lick and he'd kick the dog off the bed. Howard said they should have a contest to see whose ass a dog would lick.
Shuli said he heard a story about Ronnie prank calling Cozy all the time and how he traced the calls back to Ronnie's dry cleaner that he owned. Howard said he'd love to hear a Ronnie prank call.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this is the greatest segment. He said they have to put this on the best of the year. Howard said he should talk about Ronnie and his poetry anniversary. Howard said he did the poem ''Winter'' a few years ago. Howard had some clips to play to celebrate. He said he knows Robin likes his poetry.
Howard said 5 years ago Ronnie wrote a poem and read it on the Wrap Up Show. Howard said Ronnie wrote a new one for the show but he refused to read it on the air so JD did it. Howard played a clip of JD reading it on the air 5 years ago.
Howard said he thinks Ronnie wrote this when he was sitting on the toilet. Ronnie said he did. Howard played more of the clip of JD reading the poem and Ronnie correcting him on the way he was reading it. Howard said they had fake Morgan Freeman read it instead.
Howard said Ronnie wrote a poem for his birthday too. Howard played a clip of Ronnie reading his poem about him.
Howard said he's so angry. He said he's like Ronnie Angelou. Howard said there's a lot of emotion in those poems. He said a lot don't really move you.
Howard said Ronnie is really sexed up. Ronnie said he has a story that he can't tell on the air. Howard asked if his dad took him to have sex. Ronnie said no. He said he caught his dad and mom in a threesome. Howard asked where they were. Ronnie said they were in their bedroom in the house. Howard said his dad must have been a cocksman. He asked if it was another woman. Ronnie said it was. He said he can't say who it was. Ronnie said he knew who it was and it was kind of disturbing. He said he wasn't home at the time. He said he came in on it. He said the door was closed but he could hear what was going on.
Howard asked Ronnie if he was out with the Hitters. Ronnie said he may have been a junior in high school. He wasn't driving yet. Howard asked how his old man managed to get that going. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said he just went to his room and went to sleep.
Howard asked how that all went down. Ronnie said he has no idea. He said he never asked about it. Ronnie said he heard instructions being given and heard the other voice. He said it was fucking nuts. Howard asked what the old man was barking out. Ronnie said he was instructing the other person how to get anal. Howard said he was telling her how to take it in the ass. Ronnie said basically that was it. He said he just heard things. He couldn't see anything. Howard said that's some house of horrors he grew up in. Ronnie said it was actually good.
Howard took a call from a guy who said his question was answered. He said there's no way you get that fucked up without having this kind of stuff going on. Ronnie asked why it was fucked up. He said he doesn't see it that way. Howard said his dad must have been a cocksman. Ronnie said it was very weird. He said he thought it was cool at first but then he thought it was fucked up. He can't remember exactly what they said. Howard asked if he jerked off while he was listening. Ronnie said he may have. He said he doesn't think they knew he ever came into the house. He said they were that into what they were doing.
Howard said maybe it was a long time thing that was going on. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said the other person was at the house a lot.
Howard said most people are disgusted by their parents having sex but not Ronnie. Gary said the entire office is disgusted by this. He said it's nearly impossible to do that with the entire office. He said they're disgusted that he was jerking off to his parents having sex.
Shuli said what Howard saw as a child inspired him. He said that's what happened to Ronnie too. Howard said the old man was banging some chick in the ass while his mom was in the room. Howard said that's wild.
Howard asked if Ronnie's mom had big tits. Ronnie said come on. Howard said he's just wondering. Ronnie said she did. Howard asked if Ronnie jerked off with a magazine when he heard his parents having sex. Ronnie said he did. Howard asked if the other woman was hotter than his mom. Ronnie said the friend was pretty hot. Howard said that must have been free love back in the 60s. Howard asked if his old man had a big cock. Ronnie said he did. He said he saw it once. He said he came home one night and his dad almost shot him. He said he didn't turn the lights on. He said he got a drink out of the refrigerator and his old man thought someone broke in. He said he was naked when he came down with the gun. He said he turned around and he asked what the fuck he was doing. He said his dad almost shot him. He said his cock was big too.
Howard asked if Ronnie wanted to know more about what was going on in that room. Ronnie said no. Howard wondered how his dad got this woman. Ronnie said they were good friends. Robin asked how they missed talking to Ronnie's dad. Howard said they might have to dig him up. Howard said that's some wild stuff. He said he wishes he knew his anal orders. Howard asked if he knows what he was saying. Ronnie said it was a long time ago and he doesn't remember. Howard said he heard something. Ronnie told Shuli to go talk to Cozy. Ronnie said he has no idea what he said.
Howard said it's not Ronnie's fault he's so sexed up. He said creepiness is in his DNA. Shuli said he's like Lady Gaga and he was just born this way. Ronnie said that she looked good on that thing last night. He was talking about the Victoria's Secret show that was on last night. Ronnie said he saw Nick Cannon on that show right in the front row. Howard said he thinks he's stuck wearing that turban he has because he thought people would think it was cool but no one else is following his lead. Howard said he's having another kid with a woman he's not even with now.
Howard said he saw a clip of Nick talking about how Planned Parenthood is population control. Howard said it's a good thing because it helps women out. Howard said Nick is on some weird thing. Howard played the audio of Nick talking about it being population control. Howard said the turban looks like Professor X. Robin said he looks like that thing in the machine in the movie ''Big.''
Robin said she thinks Nick is losing it. Howard said they have to get him in there to talk about this kid he's having. Howard said he used to mentor Nick but now Simon Cowell isn't doing that with him.
Howard took a call from Ronnie's dad from heaven. It was the same guy in the back doing the Ronnie voice. Howard had to ask the guy to turn down the echo. Howard asked if he knew Ronnie was jerking off in the other room that night. He said he did and the dog was licking his ass too. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Mr. Mund. Howard asked how he got the lady in the bedroom with his wife. Mr. Mund said ''You ever hear of drugs Howard?''
Howard asked JD what he thinks about the Ronnie revelation of jerking off to his parent's threesome. JD said he can see where it comes from. JD was trying to say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree but he screwed it up.
Howard had JD come in the studio. JD came in and said that he said the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Howard asked if he ever caught his parents having sex. JD said he may have once. He said he was way too young to know what was going on. He said he knew it was bad so he got out. Ronnie asked why it's bad. Howard said it is traumatic when you catch your parents. Ronnie said it was traumatic for him but then he jerked off.
Howard said Ronnie did write a new poem. Ronnie said he did it at the last minute. He said he's not a poet. Ronnie said he wants JD to read it. He said it's called ''Twitter'' and it's not great. Howard had JD read the poem. JD read the poem which started out ''Twitter works best for me when I'm on the shitter...'' He rhymes a lot of goofy things he sees on Twitter while sitting on the shitter.
Howard wrapped up with the guys after the poem. He congratulated them on that and went to break.
Howard said this is going to put them back on top. He said the comeback starts today. He wondered if they still have the long blond hair. Robin said she thinks they cut it.
Howard thanked the guys from Nelson for that song. He said there are like 15 covers of that song out there now. Howard said it's doing very well. Robin said she's sure there are Beatles songs that haven't been covered that many times.
Howard said he's worn out from the Ronnie stories. He said he can't believe he jerked off while his parents were having sex.
Howard said one of the chicks who was in there with Lenny Dykstra is claiming that she may not have been truthful. Howard said she's lying about a conversation he had with her though. He said she's now saying that she told him that she wasn't telling the truth and he was cool with it. Howard said he has witnesses that can prove she's lying about that. Howard played a clip of the girl talking about how she was offered a trip to New York and all she had to do was say that Lenny was good at eating pussy. Howard played more of the interview and the girl said that Howard believed it but Robin didn't. She said she's a 21 year old lesbian. Howard said in this part she says that she told him she was lying after the interview. She claims she told Howard that it was bullshit. She said Howard was cool with it.
Howard said she didn't say that to him. Howard said she claimed it was real. Howard said Gary heard it and she said yeah. Gary said he was surprised hearing her say that on another show. He said she didn't say that to them. Howard said it's sad that Lenny has to pay a woman to make up a story like that. Howard said he prides himself on being a good pussy eater. Howard said maybe the other girl was telling the truth. Robin said she can't be found now.
Howard said his theory is maybe she was telling the truth and now she's getting shit from her family and she has to deny it. Howard said Jason still believes her. Jason said Jessica for sure. He said Jasmine he's not sure on now. He said she did tell Howard she was telling the truth though. Howard said he wouldn't have been cool with it if she was lying and told him she was lying about it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves George Takei and he wishes he was permanent on the show. Howard said the problem is that George has a lot of commitments. The caller also said Howard is not an ugly man. He said he's in good shape and if you look at some guys his age on TV he'd see that he's in good shape. He said Chris Berman is one guy. Howard said he's not good looking because he's too thin. Howard said a guy his height should be 225 or 230 pounds. Howard said he's 190. He said he can't put bulk on in the gym. He said he went the other way instead. He said he is caught in a weird zone. Howard said he makes Jason stand at the right angle when he takes pictures. He said he knows he looks pretty good in those photos.
Howard said his daughter got married a couple of weeks or months ago and he just got the wedding pictures. Howard said there's a monster at the wedding. Howard said he's never seen anything like it. He said you can't find a good picture of him. Howard said there is no human being that looks like him. Howard said even his hair. He said he has a full head of hair but even his hairdo is odd on his frame. The caller was arguing with him. He said he's so intelligent and good looking. He said just look at some of the guys that work for him. He said they're 20 years younger and they're fat and out of shape.
Howard said he was watching TV and one of the guys Trump picked to be in his cabinet is 62 and he's looking at him like he was 90. Howard said compared to guys his age he looks pretty good. He said his overall look is odd looking. The caller, Vince, kept insisting that he's not. Howard said it's only dudes saying that he's not odd looking. Vince said he's heard women too.
Vince asked how many celebrity women he's had come on to him. Howard said maybe 15. Howard said that was pretty exciting. Howard said he is good looking. He said Vince finally broke through.
Howard said if you bang a few celebrities you'll feel good about yourself. He said it changes your whole opinion of yourself.
Howard said he didn't have any A-list celebrities. Howard said he wasn't single that long though. Robin said he did go to a party where an A-lister was after him. Howard said he did have that happen to him. Robin said he also said he got one of the greatest blow jobs ever. Howard said they just heard Ronnie sex stories so maybe they should move on. He said no one wants to hear that. Especially his wife.
Howard said Beth went to a movie screening last night and she looked great. He said she was wearing a dress where the belly was cut out. Howard said he had to go to bed so he could rest to be there. Howard said he doesn't get to do anything fun. He said he gets all angry and says all he gets to do is make money. He said he wants to go places but then he's miserable when he does go. Howard said he's miserable. He wonders what it's like to be happy. He said there's something wrong with him. Gary said Jason keeps yelling out ''Lexapro!'' back there. Howard said it did help him. Howard said Sal is on something too. He said it's Propananol or something like that. Howard said Jason seems happier. Jason said he's happier but he's not sure what other people think.
Jason said before the pills he felt like he couldn't enjoy anything. He said this really helped with that. Gary said Jason used to be really quiet. Then he started taking the pills and he didn't stop talking. He said Tom Chiusano almost choked him because of that. Jason said he would sit in darkness and just wait for Monday to roll around. Howard said he actually watches TV. Jason said it was just there and he wasn't taking any enjoyment out of that.
Howard said he sees it's news time but he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and then went to break.
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Robin started her news with a story about a man with a bionic penis. Robin said he's in England and they took 3 years to make his penis. Robin said she will tell him how he lost his penis. Robin said it was torn off when he was hit by a car and dragged 600 feet. Robin said 3 years later he has a bionic penis. Robin said they grafted skin around two tubes. Robin said he has a penis pump in his testicles like Flip Wilson had when he was in there. Robin said you have to inflate it and the tubes fill up with air around skin that was grafted on. Robin said he says he had sex in March of this year. Robin said women are asking if he'll have sex with them too. Howard asked how big it is. Robin said he's showing about 8 inches in the photo she sees of his pants but you can't see the whole thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to tell him he's had the flu for the past few days. He said yesterday's show was so great that it should win an Emmy or something. Howard said he just got a call saying they are going to give him one.
Robin read a story about how women do prefer a slightly larger penis. Robin said they also want a long term partner. Howard said he thinks Beth likes his penis because it doesn't aggravate her. He said it's not that cumbersome. Robin read more details about the study that was done about the penis size thing. Robin explained how they did the study and how they came up with the results by using 3D modeled blue plastic penises. Robin said they like a penis 6.3 inches around and 4.3 around. Howard said they also found out they like sunshine and hate rain.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked about Beth going out without him. Howard said he asks every time about the same thing. King asked if there's any part of him that gets pissed. Howard said he's happy for her going out and having a good time. Howard said he's not insecure with women. King asked if he asks if she had a good time. Howard said he does. He said he didn't talk until her this morning. King's phone cut out. Howard said he's the King of broken records with the same questions all the time. Howard said he's always moving around and losing connection. Robin said he moved to some place upstate or something. Howard said it says New Jersey on his computer. Robin said it might be the old information.
Robin read a story about Bill Cosby's court case and how his deposition is going to be allowed to be used in the case. Robin said he admits to having sex with that woman and to giving her something to make her drowsy. Howard asked what he was thinking. Robin said he thought he'd never be prosecuted for that. Robin read about some of the things Cosby says in the deposition. Howard asked how old he is now. Robin said he's 79. Howard said if he keeps dragging it out maybe he'll drop dead.
Robin read a story about a doctor who was accused of doing some inappropriate things. Gary said Sal just told him that he used to go to a doctor because she would fondle his balls. Sal said he went three times and she stopped asking him to pull down his pants. He said she would grab his nuts and check his penis under his foreskin. He said the last time he went to dropped his pants and she didn't check him. Howard said you don't drop your pants right away. Sal said she must have caught on. He said she gave him a blood test and said he was fine. He said he didn't get hard but he did get tingly. He said she was a hot Russian doctor. Howard said Benjy had a doctor tell him that she didn't need to see his cock and balls. Howard said he goes to the doctor every year and they feel around your balls. Howard asked how a female doctor doesn't check around your balls. Sal said she stopped and that was it. He said she didn't even draw his blood the last time. He said she sent in another nurse. Sal said he may have creeped her out. He said she'd only come in with the chart and check him off. Howard said Sal is one of those guys that a female doctor won't treat. He said he must have walked in and dropped his pants. Sal said he figured it was part of the routine. Sal said his pants were around his ankles. Howard said that's like flashing. Sal said the prior two times she asked him to do it. Howard said she has to tell him to do it. Howard said he must have said something inappropriate. Robin said she probably told her staff about it. Howard said Sal thinks she's a hooker. Sal said she was a piece of ass. Howard asked if she put her finger up his ass. Sal said she never did. He said when she checked his balls she referred him to a urologist who did check him.
Robin asked if Sal has found a new doctor. Sal said not yet. He said he went back twice more and she didn't check his wiener. He said he feels weird asking about it so he hasn't. He said maybe he should. Howard said maybe he shouldn't. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks again and said he blew it earlier. He said he has no luck with his phone. It started to cut out again. King said he didn't move. Howard said he has the worst equipment. King said he can't sound any better than right now. Howard said he can talk to him right now. King said he's not moving. Howard said when he called in it was the same question he's asked before. King said it's a different angle. He asked what makes her want to go out. Howard said she wants to have a nice night. King said she should say she's not going out either. Howard said he goes to bed early and watches zombie shows. King asked if she was all dressed up. Howard said she had her hair done and all of that. King asked if he'd be happier if she stayed home. Howard said he's happy either way. He said it doesn't threaten him. He said he's not insecure. King said he had better start. Howard asked what's going to happen? He said it would suck if she meets someone and leaves him. He said he's not going to lock her in a box. King's phone cut out again. Howard said goodbye to him.
Robin read a story about a man who the cops are looking for because he's accused of peeking in people's windows with a drone. Robin said that some people found the drone and took it to the police. Robin said they used video to identify the suspect. Robin said they found many disturbing images on the drone. Howard said this is a great time to be a pervert. He said they have drones and cameras to stick everywhere. He said there is no better age to live in than now for pervs.
Howard took a call from Wolfie who asked if his parents have nay heirlooms he wants to get. Howard said his mother has already given everything away. He went into the impression of his mother talking about the stuff she's giving away. Howard said she's in great health and she's giving stuff away like she's dying. Howard said they're getting ready for their big trip. He said he tells them to just enjoy their life. Robin asked if they still go out. Howard said they still go to Bagel Boss and to get Yogurt once a week. He said the rest of the week they go to doctor appointments. Howard did his impression of his mother talking about their routine. He had his father talking about the different cereals he eats during the week. Howard had his parents talking to Robin about going shopping and things like that too. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the Grammy nominations coming out. Robin read some of the details about who the nominees were. Robin had some clips of the songs that were up for Grammys. Howard said he admires anyone who can write a hit song. They spent a few more minutes going over songs and playing song parodies. They played the new Beetlejuice song ''Money, Money, Money'' and other songs. Howard said music isn't that happening anymore. He said it's just so vapid. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a Rolling Stone list of the best songs of 2016. Robin read some of those and Howard said he doesn't know anyone who listens to a whole album anymore. He said the album is dead. He said musical artists should wake up to that fact.
Robin read a story about how germs are everywhere. Howard asked her not to do this story. He said he's constantly washing his hands. Robin said most germs are transmitted through touch. Howard said George Takei shook his hand yesterday. He said you'd think he'd know better. Howard said he has Purell right next to him so he was prepared. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about how to wash your hands properly. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel showed him how to wash his hands properly. He said you use Luke warm water and wash the front and back and make sure you do it for 15-30 seconds. Robin said the CDC says that 63 people a day die from antibiotic resistant diseases. Robin had more audio clips of people talking about that.
Robin read a story about tomorrow being the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Howard asked if Wendy the Slow Adult knows that. Fred played clips of her saying ''yes.'' Howard asked her a bunch of questions and Fred played ''Yes'' for just about everything. Robin read more about the Pearl Harbor attack anniversary.
Howard took another call from King of All Blacks who said he wanted to apologize for his call earlier. He said he sounds great now, right? Howard said no. He said he can't keep picking up on him. He said it keeps dropping out. King said he's going to try to talk and maybe it'll be better. He started talking about Justin Bieber and how his album is the greatest of all time. Then his phone dropped out. Howard asked who is better, the Beatles or Justin Bieber. King said Justin Bieber. Fred played a clip of Wendy saying ''Fucking idiot.'' King said there's a great rap record out now. Howard said he can't hear him and hung up. He said he didn't drop out but he had enough. Howard said they get there at 5 in the morning and he's fading at some point.
Robin read a story about Al Gore going to see Donald Trump yesterday at Trump Tower. Robin had some audio of Gore talking about what they discussed.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump's thank you tour and that led to Howard playing a clip of Megan talking about how he would go and thank markets when they were number one there. She thinks that's why Trump is doing his thank you tour. Robin read some other news about Trump and what's going on with him.
Robin had some audio of Joe Biden talking about how he could run for President in 2020. He'll be 78 years old in 2020.
Robin read a story about how Mayor de Blasio is asking the President for reimbursement for the cost of the NYPD protecting President elect Trump. Robin had some audio of de Blasio talking about that.
Robin read a story about the Time magazine person of the year nominations and who is on that. Howard said he thinks it's going to be Trump because he pulled off a miracle. Howard said he's captivated and mesmerized the media.
Robin read a story about a company that has gotten approval to land on the moon. They plan to go by 2026 and they will have passengers. Robin said they expect to send a rover up there in the next year.
Robin read a story about how France will not extradite Roman Polansky to the United States. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
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Howard started the show playing a clip of Lenny Dykstra telling them what's coming up today. Kevin Nealon will be coming in. Howard said speaking of Lenny Gary heard from him about that girl who he claims is lying. Howard said it sounds like the next lie detector test. Howard said Lenny claims he did eat her out. Howard said there's a lot of confusion about it. Howard said one of the girls is claiming she was lying. Howard said Lenny is claiming she's lying now.
Robin said that girl came on claiming she had cunnilingus with Lenny and then on another show denied it ever happened and she was put up to it to say those things. Howard said Lenny is livid. Howard said they'll get to the bottom of that in the next couple of weeks. He said the other girl wants to call in to say the other girl is lying now.
Howard said he decided to not drink water and he didn't drink much yesterday. He said he always has to get up to pee. He said he had 3 sips yesterday and he slept like a baby. He only had to get up once. Howard said he has to stop drinking water. Robin said it's very good for you. Howard said he can live without it. He said he's not going to drink any fluids. He said now he's very thirsty. He said he's going to have it on the air now. Howard said no one drinks on the air.
Howard said he had some thoughts last night. He said he was watching President Obama with De Niro and Springsteen and all of that. Howard said someone called in and said he should get something from the President like the Kennedy Center Honors. Robin said she was the one saying that he should. Howard said he had second thoughts about it and he thought about what he's done with his life. Howard said he forgets about it. Howard said most of radio sounds more like what he does than what it used to sound like. Howard said he should be celebrated for what he's done. Howard said he changed the face of radio. He said when he got into radio it was the attitude that radio could be more and be a fun medium. He said even political guys never gave their opinion. Howard said he deserves a Kennedy Center Honor. Robin said she's glad he thought about it.
Howard said they should treat him like a last minute pardon and slip him in at the last minute. He said he should be honored. He changed the medium.
Howard said he was 50/50 on it and today he's 100 percent with Robin. Robin thanked him. Howard said she has an influence on him. Howard said here are some things that you look at and don't want to talk about. He said you overlook some of that controversial stuff.
Howard asked Wolfie what's going on with his grandmother. Wolfie said things are out of control over there at the nursing home. Howard said Wolfie went over there and interviewed some people there. He said they think they say anything they want now that Trump has been elected. Howard said they were talking about shitting their pants and things like that too.
Howard said Wolfe's grandmother gets into all kinds of fights over there. Wolfie said she has a clique of old ladies and they bully people until they have to leave the home. Howard said she's like the happening one over there. Wolfie said she is. He said she's really short but the other old ladies are afraid of her because she can be mean. Howard said she's like Negan. Wolfie said his grandmother kept her cart in the way of the door to keep another woman out. He said they try to avoid lawsuits so they don't say anything over there.
Howard said growing old sounds awful. Howard said he refuses to get this old. Wolfie said he was asking old ladies if they think with age comes wisdom and they said yes but then they said really racist stuff. Robin said they haven't gotten any smarter after learning that stuff.
Howard had audio of a 76 year old talking about her irritable bowel syndrome. In the clip Wolfie asked when she farted and shit her pants. The woman talked about how it was just 3 weeks ago. She has to wear Depends sometimes. She said it's embarrassing when it runs down into her shoes. Howard asked why this lady gets to stay there. Wolfie said she's part of the clique. Howard said he thought he got through Elementary School not shitting his pants but now it sounds like it could happen later in life. Howard said he got away without any embarrassing stuff. He said at the end of the road it might happen. Wolfie said he may not have to worry because all of the men are dead. He said it's just ladies.
Howard said he used to get really upset when he's play chess and lose. He said it's scary what happens. Howard said someone said Ronnie is out there in the hall laughing. Howard said he's got one foot in the grave.
Howard played another clip of the 76 year old talking about how she never gave oral to a man. Howard said now she's shitting her pants. Howard said God's plan was for her to shit pants but not give oral.
Howard said he has a 67 year old stroke victim who is proud of giving oral. Howard played that clip and the woman said she swallowed too. Howard said it's weird to hear old people talking about swallowing. Robin said she was surprised about Ronnie's parents being in a threesome. Howard said he asked Ronnie if there was any fallout from what he said yesterday. He said he got a lot of Twitter shit but that was it. Howard said Gary hit it on the head on the Wrap Up Show. He said the shocking thing was that Ronnie jerked off while his parents were having sex.
Howard had some audio of an 82 year old talking about the mean things they do there at the home. She said they called one woman an asshole and told her she didn't belong there. Howard said none of these ladies think that it could happen to them. Wolfie said you don't expect old ladies to kick you out of a home.
Howard said he's thinking of writing a movie called ''Old Mean Girls'' about this home. Howard said they could throw one lady down the stairs and break her hip.
Howard played another clip of the 82 year old talking about how she's never been attracted to a black man. She said she's never go with any because she's in the age of not believing in that. She said they're too lazy to work and live with women and have kids and get welfare. Howard said he's proud of her not saying the N-word.
Howard played another clip of a woman talking about seeing a woman shitting in her pants and sitting on books after shitting in her pants. Wolfie said he thinks some people don't wear Depends and then they sit on other people's furniture. Howard said they sat on the book to not get it on the furniture. He said he bets the book was Private Parts.
Howard had a clip of a woman talking about why she doesn't like Hispanics. She was talking about how she's never met one she likes. She wants Trump to get that wall up and send them all back over the river.
Howard said he's going to get to work on that movie today. He said there's plenty to write. He said it's Mean Girls with old women. Wolfie said he can't imagine being bullied in his 80s. He said it must be so shitty. Howard said it must be bad.
Howard had a clip of a 67 year old stroke victim who is the most racist of them all. Howard played a clip of her saying their last meal in the White House will be bananas because they're monkeys. She used the N-word too. Robin said that was someone's mother probably. Wolfie said these women want to meet him sometime. Howard said the Obamas have to be the most successful family and these woman bring it down to that.
Howard said he had a thought about the film. He said when it's done Lindsay Lohan might be able to star in it because she's aging so quickly. Howard said she comes in and shits herself in a sexy outfit.
Wolfie said the old people complain that no one visits them. He wondered why anyone would want to visit. Wolfie said the women want to meet Howard and visit him. He said maybe they can bring up 3 women and do something up there. Howard said they might be able to do a Christmas special with old people. He asked how funny that would be. He said they can bring in the elderly and hear their racist thoughts and leave the room when they shit their pants.
Wolfie said he'd be afraid that they shit their pants on the drive up there. Wolfie said there's only like one guy there and he gets pussy from the other women. He said some of the ladies will get mad at the others if they flirt with younger guys who show up there.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's laughing at the show after hearing this. She said she wants to hear the old Wack Pack. Howard thanked her for the call.
Howard played another clip from the Victoria's Secret special where one of the girls was crying. Howard said thank god they're hot because after you cum that's what you have to listen to. He said there's not a lot of deep thinking there.
Howard played another clip of one of the girls saying getting those wings is like getting a crown. Howard said he's not sure who this show is for. He said he's into internet porn and you have to show something. He said shame on you if you're a dude in that audience. Robin said Nick Cannon was there. Howard said Nick Cannon is there because he can get those girls. Robin said Bruno Mars was there too. Howard said he's getting some of those chicks too. He said he wasn't sure if he was straight but he read an interview and he does like to fuck girls. Howard said if Nick goes there he's going to get laid. Robin said he doesn't have to go there and watch. Howard said it's not a cool move. He said it gives the girls too much power.
Howard said Beth had a nice modeling career going when he met her. Howard said he thinks she liked him because he acted like he didn't notice her. Howard said if you go there to the Victoria's Secret thing it's kind of douchy. Howard said Lenny Kravitz was there too. He gets to fuck the girls too. Robin said it's still douchy. She said it's like ''Really Lenny?''
Howard played another clip of one of the girls talking about waking up and being an angel one day. She said she'll always remember her first wings because it was like getting a crown.
Howard said Shatner was there and charged $80 for an autograph. Wolfie said he had a line around the block. Howard said they auctioned off some of the Nimoy stuff. Howard said they had some of his old ears. He said they must stink.
Howard played a clip of a guy in costume. He was dressed as a science officer. He was also naming a bunch of types of aliens that are on the show and in the movies.
Howard played a clip of a guy who was asked to name as many episodes as he could in 15 seconds. The guy kept going for the full 15 seconds. He did an impression of a Star Trek phaser too. Howard said that wasn't very good. Howard tried doing an impression and it was closer than that guy's.
Howard said he has a guy who has a dull voice but he tried a phaser impression too. Howard played that and the guy did a bad impression too. Howard said that guy is never getting laid. Wolfie said this guy and his roommate are guys he submitted for Wack Pack status. He said they live in New York too. Howard said if they gave that guy JD's job he'd get a girl and have her move in too.
Howard had a clip of a 26 year old who can't get a girlfriend. The guy said he wants one so bad. The guy said he's never gotten laid. Howard said going to those conventions isn't going to help. Robin said he may not know what getting laid means.
Howard played a clip of a guy who had a speech impediment. That guy was talking about characters on the show and going on and on about the characters on the show.
Howard said they have to have that guy at the gathering as a special guest. Howard said they had a meeting about The Gathering yesterday. He said they're doing a ton of work on it. He said they might have an audience for it. He said it may not happen until second quarter of next year. Howard said they might do it off sight and have celebrities there.
Wolfie asked if they're looking for more entries. Howard said this is all about Marfan Mike and if he's in. Robin asked why he has to pass this. Howard said he's wracking his brain trying to come up with shit and she's going to bring that up.
Howard asked Wendy the Slow Adult a bunch of questions. Fred played clips of her saying yes to fucking Lenny Kravitz, about shitting herself and things like that.
Howard played a clip of Wolfie talking to a guy with a speech impediment. That guy was pronouncing words in a very strange way. Wolfie said that's the guy who is the roommate of the dull guy who did the phaser impression. Howard played the clip of that guy doing his phaser impression. Howard asked how they found each other. Wolfie said it must be fate. He said just wait until he sees them.
Howard played a clip of a guy giving a message to George Takei in Japanese. Howard asked if there were any women there. Wolfie said there were but they don't look too good.
Howard played a clip of a guy talking about how upset he is about Shatner not showing up at Nimoy's funeral. He said that was bad. He said if you had a beef then you kick it aside. He said he can't imagine doing that.
Howard said imagine if a hot chick did show up there. Howard said that they do show up to the Comic-Con thing though. He said they're all fat Khaleesi though. Wolfie said that any woman there gets their picture taken with the guys.
Howard said this guy sounds like his mouth is full of spit. Howard said he also wants Takei and Shatner to settle their beef. Howard played the clip and the guy sounded kind of like Ralph with his speech impediment. That guy did an impression of what a proton torpedo sounds like. Wolfie said he knows Howard hasn't seen people with bad teeth but this guy had plaque on his bottom teeth so it looked like one bottom tooth. Howard said that's pretty cool. He said it's like one extra tooth. Wolfie said he was like an X-man who had mutated.
Howard let Wolfie go and Fred played a song parody for him. Howard said that kind of broke his flow. Howard said they had George Takei call a political show. It was actually Sour Shoes. Howard played the call the guys made using clips of Sour doing his George Takei impression. They had Sour talking about the 50th anniversary and how he likes ding dongs. They went to break after that.
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Fake Mitt joked about coming down Robin's chimney for Kwanzaa. Howard asked fake Mitt about his meeting with Trump. He asked if he's qualified for secretary of state. Mitt told some jokes about going to Taiwan to jerk off a 13 year old boy and asked if General Patreus can claim that.
Howard said Donald Trump tweets and stuff. He asked if he agrees that people should be thrown in jail for burning the American flag. Mitt said he believes everything Trump says. He said he started believing on November 9th.
Howard said it's down to Mitt and Rudy Giuliani. Mitt said that he has something that Rudy doesn't. He said he has pubes that run of the shaft of his penis.
Howard asked Mitt about his kids and found out he and his kids compare penis size before bed. Howard said he hopes he does get secretary of state. Howard let him go a short time later. Mitt said he can't get that new Beetlejuice song out of his head. Howard said he will play it after he hangs up. Howard played the song after fake Mitt was off the phone. They played a bit where one of the guys was out on the street as a Street Medium giving readings to people. They also played a phony phone call made to an internet show with a Jeff Goldblum impersonator calling in. Howard did a live commercial read and went to break after that.
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Howard said Jim asked about how Robin is doing. Howard said he told him he thinks he could get her. Robin said Jim is happily married. Howard said he would like to see him hook up with Robin if he was single. Robin said sure. Howard said it was good to meet with Jim. He said earlier in the day he had to hear about Ronnie jerking off.
Howard said he got a note from their old GM Tom Chiusano. Howard said he got a lovely note and Tom said his lecture to Robin may have had some effect. He said Tom said he finally got something back from Robin after 6 weeks. Robin asked if it was really 6 weeks. Howard said it was according to Tom's email.
Howard said people are impressed with Robin's new system. Howard said Robin can't stand when he has a good effect. Robin said she told him she'd be able to do it without more interaction with Howard. Howard said that's good. Robin said she's checking her email every day and emptying it every time.
Howard said he's been watching FOX News and he learned that William Devane is buying silver. Howard said he also learned that he's still alive. Howard said when they get to that point they'll know it's over.
Howard said he has a porn clip of a woman who farts. He said it's some kind of fetish. Howard played a clip of this woman talking about her ass music and telling her watchers to sniff. She let out some disgusting sounding farts.
Howard asked if she could have any bit of a normal life. Robin said she's sure she went and picked up the kids and took them to soccer practice. Howard said she's calling her guys names. He played another clip of her calling her guys ''losers'' and farting for them. Howard said they sound watery. The woman said they're so watery that she swears something is coming out.
Howard said he has a clip of a Canadian woman getting up and using the word fart and then another woman gets up and says that word is disgusting. Howard played the clip and the woman is speaking in Parliament and she used the word fart. Then the other woman gets up and says she might want to withdraw that word which was ''F.A.R.T.'' Howard said they're arguing over the word fart.
Howard said Michael Rapaport finished in first in the league. Howard said he hooked up with some expert. Jason said it's John Hanson and they do a show together there. He said Hanson is running Rapaport's team. Howard had a clip of Hanson talking to Rapaport about that on this show they do. Hanson took over for about 6 or 7 weeks and got him to the championship.
Howard said the guys are saying that Rapaport isn't really playing. Gary said that Hanson just said it. Gary said they all work on it and Rapaport just wants to win so he can yell at them some more. Gary said they're all in it to play against each other. Gary said he'd like to play against Rapaport. JD said he's got a whole new career going with this fantasy football thing. Will said they have a whole channel for fantasy football sports there.
Gary said they let Rapaport in the league and he got on the show and that's how he got all of this stuff. He said he thought he might call him and thank him but he got nothing. He said Rapaport thinks he's a genius and he did it all himself. Howard said now he's known for fantasy football more than anything. Will said he was close to blowing dudes and now he's got this fantasy football thing going on. Howard said he's doing fine.
Howard had Rapaport on the phone. He asked if he was saved by this fantasy football thing. Rapaport said he wants to go over this point by point. Howard said Mike is winning but the guys say he's a sore winner. Gary said if he doesn't win he's set himself up to be the sorest winner ever. Howard said Rapaport is barely running his own team. Rapaport said that's bullshit. Gary said Hanson said that he's running it. Rapaport said that he did the draft on his own and picked the best team. He said Will is fucking with John Hanson. He said it's a show.
Rapaport said that he doesn't have a fantasy football career. Will said he was nearly homeless. He asked what the last acting gig he had was. Jason asked what the Draft Kings deal is. Rapaport said that he sent them T-shirts. He asked if they're fucking serious. Gary said it's just a t-shirt. Rapaport said it all comes down to this. He said it's the big 3 over there. He said it's JD or Just Douchy, Jason and the gorilla.
Howard asked if the guys are going to kick him out of the league. Gary said they're going to finish the season. Then in April they'll have their meeting. Jason said he's done with the non-Howard Stern Show staffers. Howard asked if Matthew Berry is done too. Jason said it's just the staffers.
Howard had Matt Berry on the phone. Howard asked what his issues are. Will said he should be out of the league too. He said he's the face of fantasy football. He said he's the Tiger woods of the league but he didn't make it to the playoffs. He said Matt doesn't know what he's talking about. He said he had the audacity to email him telling him not to call him out on the air about it. Matt said that's not true. He said last time they talked about Rapaport they talked about another league... Howard cut him off. It was boring. Will said that Matt was asking him to protect him and he won't do it.
Howard said he's in the Howard Stern league and this is where he should shine. Howard said these idiots are beating him. Rapaport said that the reason the league is famous is because he and Matt came into it. Will said they're not looking for a famous league. Rapaport said that if they want to be talked about they need them. Will said they don't want to be talked about. Gary said he's okay with it too. Gary said Rapaport is an annoying fuck and he's casting his vote now for April. Gary said Rapaport is fucking up his good time.
Howard said Matt Berry is getting accused of not being an expert. Matt said Will called him and asked him to change the rules. He asked him to got the tech guys and make the game different than they do for everyone else. Will said he had to deal with Matt's bullshit for years. He said he didn't even help him out. Howard asked why Matt asked him to keep his record a secret. Will said he's supposed to be like Tiger Woods so he had to protect that.
Gary said that Will thinks if you're really good then you should be able to come back from a bad draft. Will said Matt is a bigger expert than he is. He said he's not an expert but he's ahead of Matt. Matt said he's doing fine in the league. Will said he was emailing Jason saying Will doesn't belong in the playoffs behind his back.
Matt said he just wants to clarify this. He said Will asked for this huge favor. Will said he could have just said no. Will said if he was in the playoffs he'd be bragging all over. He said it's a different set of rules for him. He said if he can't handle the ball busting then get out.
JD said last week he faced Scott Salem in the playoffs. He said Will asked him to lose to Scott and take a dive so something would happen to Matt. Howard said JD telling a story is bad.
Howard asked Will why he wants Matt to lose so bad. Will said he's supposed to be an expert and he's losing to these hacks.
Rapaport said that these guys are so riled up. He said he and Gary have shit and he has shit with that elephant Kaplan. He said it's all in good fun. Gary said they're not ending the league. He said they're just ending Rapaport. Howard said he's saying they're really going to end the fun. Gary said they're not though. He said will get back to the fun that they once had. Will said Richard and Sal are going to join the league. Gary said he doesn't care about the league being high profile.
Rapaport said that Gary is a monkey. He said he's going to get JD in line today too. Howard said it sounds like he's on his way to winning. He said Matt can't win every time. Will said he doesn't even make the playoffs. Matt said he had more points than many of the guys. He said that some people don't understand how it works. He droned on and on for a minute about why he thinks he's not doing that well. He said he's in 25 leagues and doing very well.
Howard asked Matt if he'll be upset if he gets thrown out. Matt said he'd be disappointed. He said that he's getting thrown in with the issues with Rapaport and Gary, Jason and JD. He said his only issue is with Will and the favor he asked him to do. Will said if Rapaport goes then Berry goes. Gary said the vote is they're either an office league or not. Will said he has no issue with Rapaport.
Rapaport said last time he was on the show they tried to vote him out. He said it was just the three guys who wanted him out. Gary said it was only the guys who were there that voted. He said he's sure Lisa Ann would vote him out too. Rapaport said then they put it on Twitter and Twitter said no. Gary said now he has to listen to Twitter.
JD said he's in the camp of just being the back office. Howard asked if he's going to be out if Rapaport is in. JD said he's out if he's in. Rapaport wanted to take a vote.
Howard asked who is voting for Rapaport to be in. Gary said Ben Barto was for him to stay. Gary said Lisa Ann isn't there to vote and he's not sure what her vote is. Rapaport said he wants to know what the vote is. Rapaport said they woke him up early and he's going to work on his next show. He said he's working with Jennifer Jason Leigh. Gary said he likes him as an actor. He said he's really not acting because he plays an asshole on every show he does. He said he was really good on Law and Order as a pedophile.
Howard said he thinks he's a great actor. He liked him on Justified. He did play an asshole though. Jason said he was great on Louie too but can he make a living from one episode of a show.
Rapaport asked how much Jason made last year. Jason said whatever he did make he got to keep unlike Michael who has to give his money to a former spouse.
Howard asked if they want to vote or not. Rapaport asked if the vote goes his way what does he get. He asked if he gets to rename the league. Howard said it's if he's in or not and that's it. Howard said Berry is affected by this as well. Jason said this is about kicking the three out or not. Howard said he thinks a lot don't have a problem with Matt. Will asked Matt if he will say that there are no special rules for him. He said that they can say whatever they want about him. Matt said there is no rule. He said at the beginning of the year he said he can't get all crazy. He asked them to keep it contained to the Stern Show universe. Will said he also asked him not to talk about him losing. He sent him an email. Will said if he doesn't want his record being talked about then leave and go to another league. Matt said they decided as a group not to talk about the league. Will said it was because of Matt. Matt said he sent him that note privately. He said he took offense to the rules thing because he's anal about it. Howard asked who knew this league would lead to this.
Howard said they have to take a vote. Howard asked if this vote is to kick out Lisa Ann, Rapaport and Matt. Gary said that this is all about Rapaport for him. JD said he would like to vote on all three in or all three out. Rapaport said he wants his own vote. Howard asked what vote he wants. Rapaport said he wants the 8 of 10 people to decide if he's in or not.
Howard said they can do that. Howard said this is just about Mike Rapaport. Howard asked Mike how he votes. Mike voted in. Howard asked Matt. Matt voted Michael in. Howard said he's up two votes. On the phone he had Scott Salem. He was sick and didn't want to come in the studio. Howard asked if he still smokes. Scott said he does the E-cigarette thing. Will said this is all he has to live for. Scott agreed and said Will is very close. Howard asked for his vote. Scott voted Rapaport in.
Howard asked for Jon Hein's vote. Jon voted Rapaport in. He said he's exactly what he thought he'd be when he joined. Howard asked if he expected that. Rapaport said he did because he's a stand up man.
Howard asked Jason for his vote. Jason said he's voting Rapaport out. Howard said he's saying he's out. Rapaport said that means nothing. He said it's a dusty elephant. Gary told him to get a new joke.
Howard said this is an important vote for Rapaport. Jason said that he's the reason Bill Simmons' show was canceled according to some. Rapaport said he's not even going to respond to that. He said he's got a mean spirit.
Howard said he has Ben Barto's vote in an envelope. Gary told him to hold that until last. Howard went to JD for his vote. Howard said JD is quite the ladies man now. JD voted to get Rapaport out of the league because he wants it to be just back office people. Will asked if he will leave the league if Rapaport stays. JD said he will but then a few seconds later he said he'd probably stay.
Howard asked for Will Murray's vote. Will said that he's going to vote Mike in. He said he's never had a problem with him. Howard said that's a big vote he just got from Will Murray. Rapaport said he's not surprised at all.
Howard asked what the vote is now. Jason said it's 5 to stay in and 2 to be out. Gary voted him out so that was 3 to 5. Howard said there's no shock there. Rapaport said it means nothing.
Howard read Ben Barto's vote. Howard said if he votes him out then they have to go to Lisa Ann. Rapaport said Ben is a stand up man so he knows. Howard said Ben voted him in. Howard said Rapaport is in. Gary said Will surprised him. Gary said the bigger question is if they should keep the league as it is or just as the back office. Rapaport said it's time for Howard to take control of this. Howard said he has nothing to do with this. He said if it was up to him he'd ban the whole league. He said he'd rather have them working 24 hours a day.
Howard said what he'll say is stop bitching and complaining. He said Rapaport is going to call them all names and bust their balls. He said they only have themselves to blame. Jon said that's right. Jason said ''bring the energy'' to Jon. Jon told him to go fuck himself. Jon said if Jason is the commissioner of the league then he will leave.
Rapaport said if Jason is done with that job then he'll be the commissioner or he'll hire someone to do it. Gary said neither of those work for him. JD said he's out. Howard asked Jon who he wants as commissioner. Jon said Mike wouldn't be good. Matt said he offered for the past 2 years. Will said no. Jason said if he's commissioner they'll be spending hours a day talking about it. Matt said that Jason isn't good at the job. Jason said if he wants to go down that road he'll go down it. Matt said he had a whole thing for Jason last year. He said he was wiling to help with it.
Gary said he knows that Will gave up being commissioner because of Matt and Jason has said he wants to give it up because of Matt too. Will said he exhausts you with his minutia. Howard asked if they want him out too. Howard said he'll take a vote on Matt now.
Will said Rapaport knows what he said to him privately so now is his time to say something. Rapaport said he's voting Matt in. Jason said he's a pussy. Rapaport said that Lisa Ann should be out because she came in last.
Matt said he works for ESPN and they're owned by Disney. He said for his job he's asked for what happens in the league to stay in the show. Howard asked what he's even talking about. Gary said that he and Rapaport were in such a feud that Rapaport's fans were tweeting at him and he doesn't want to be involved. Howard said he has to get to Kevin Nealon. He said he's going to take this vote now.
Howard asked Jason if Matt is in or out. Jason said he's saying out. Will voted out. Matt voted to keep himself in. Howard said it's 2 to 2. Gary said he has no beef with Berry. Will said he knows he wants him out. Gary said Will blew it with the Rapaport vote. Gary said he's voting him in. JD voted to keep Berry in. Howard asked Scott for his vote. Scott voted him in. Jon Hein voted him in. Howard said it's 6 to 2. Howard said Ben voted him in as well. Howard said they're both in. Howard said nothing has changed. Jason said now Matt hates him and Rapaport hates him.
Howard said this has been the biggest waste of his morning. Howard said everyone hated Rapaport this morning but they're both in. JD said he wants them all out. JD said he wants a clean sweep. Howard said he just voted to keep Matt in. Gary said this whole thing got fucked up because of the way they voted. Gary said they're still going to vote in April. Will said he'd vote them all out if he had to vote on all in or all out. Howard wrapped up and said this is the last he wants to hear of this. Howard let everyone go. Howard said he has to get to Kevin Nealon. Howard said earlier in the morning they were all complaining about them being in the league but they voted to keep them in. Fred said that he knows it's all about shit talking and that's what Rapaport was doing. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Kevin Nealon is there. Howard said he's on a new show called ''Man with a Plan'' on CBS. Howard said he's going to be at Caroline's on Broadway this week too.
Howard said Kevin is the master of reinventing himself. Kevin said he is not. Howard said he was shocked when he was thinking about him. Howard said a lot of people don't know that he auditioned for the TV show Cheers. Howard said he was close to being Sam Malone. Kevin said he did 5 auditions and he was probably 25 or 26. Howard said that would have been incredible. Kevin said he thinks about how his life would have been different. He said he wouldn't have wanted that. Howard said he could have made multi millions of dollars. Howard said Ted Danson became a household name. Kevin said he never thought about it like that. Robin asked if he ever thought about what Ted did with the role. Kevin said he does. He said he loves the show.
Howard asked about being that close to getting a role like that. He said he must be bitter. Kevin said he isn't. He said he went in and did the auditions and they picked someone older. Howard asked if he auditioned for Jim Burrows. Kevin said he did. Howard asked if he ever asked Jim why he didn't get the role. Kevin said he never did. He said he thought he was going to get it but it just didn't happen.
Howard said he's fascinated by this. Kevin said the show wasn't successful right away. He joked that he got 6 call backs for Friends and 7 for the Batman movie.
Kevin said the thing he did wrong was just being too young for it. Howard said that's the horror of show business. He said you're competing for these roles. Kevin said Howard would be the worst therapist.
Howard said he's thinking about Saturday Night Live now. He said he saw in Rolling Stone they ranked him pretty high. Howard asked if that offends him that they ranked people. Kevin said it is kind of offensive. He said you can't rank people because it's all subjective. Howard said that is kind of unsettling. Howard said he had a lot of great characters on Saturday Night Live. Howard said he's a big believer in Kevin Nealon. Kevin thanked him for that.
Howard said he loves the story about Dana Carvey, who was just on the show, and how he was the guy who called him telling him to audition. Howard said that's pretty gracious. Kevin said they were friends and it's nice to have company when you go on a show like that. He said he was dating Jan hooks at the time too.
Howard asked how he got the call. Kevin said Dana was out at Lorne Michaels house and he called him telling him he had to send in his tapes. He said they flew him in for an audition and did some stand up for Lorne and some other people. He said he knew he'd never get it but then a couple weeks later he was offered a job on Saturday Night Live. He said that he took the weekend to think about it. He said his manager, Brad Grey, also managed Lorne. He didn't know that at the time. He said his manager told him to tell Lorne he'd think about it over the weekend. Kevin said he was ready to take it right then.
Howard said it's got to be terrifying to say you'll think about it. He said he could give that job to someone else.
Howard said Kevin does a good Brad Grey impression. Kevin said Dana does it even better. Howard said Dana knocks out those impressions like no one. Howard said Michael McKean did a great impression of him. He said Adam Sandler did a great Baba Booey.
Howard said that James Burrows is the producer of this ''Man with a Plan'' show. Howard said that it's come full circle. Kevin said that Jim told him they loved him for Cheers and it just wasn't the right time. Kevin said that now he's trying to show him how he missed and opportunity.
Howard said the reason he likes having this show on CBS is because now he can sit home and collect sitcom money. Howard said he can get off the road. Kevin said he had to reschedule about 20 gigs. Kevin said it's the ultimate because he has a 9 year old at home and he's married. He said the sitcom is the best schedule. He said they do a 45 minute table read on Monday and then he goes home. He said they shoot on Friday. He said it's a couple of hours. He said now he's home too much. He said he's home all the time. He said now his wife is asking if he can go find more work on the road.
Howard said you want this sitcom to take off. Howard said they have that kid Matt Leblanc on the show. Kevin said this guy knows what he's doing. Howard said the problem with the guy is that they can't get him into something new that sticks. Kevin said he has a show called Episodes on Showtime. He said he's also on Top Gear in England. He said whenever they're on hiatus for ''Man with a Plan'' Matt is off shooting in other countries. Howard said it would be big for both of them to have a hit show. Kevin said it would be nice if it was their swan song.
Howard asked Kevin what the show is about. Kevin said Matt's character is his younger brother. He said he gives him a lot of bad advice. He said that he went to audition for the show and he was doing this chemistry read. He said he went to the dentist and he had the whole side of his face numb from getting work done. He said he got there and they ran some lines together. He said the whole time he's thinking ''This is Joey from Friends.'' Howard said you think he's a moron but he's not. Kevin said that Matt told him he made a lot of money playing a dumb guy on a show.
Howard said that Kevin has done a lot. He said after all of this is he nervous. Kevin said he is. He said he would like to stay in town. He said he'd like to be able to stay home. Kevin said he went into the chemistry read and they ran through some lines and Matt disappeared. He said later on he found out that Matt thought his timing was amazing but he was shaky with his lines. Howard said he was shaky because he had numb lips and just got the script. Kevin said he was also still thinking about the Cheers audition.
Kevin said Matt can squeeze every laugh out of every joke. Kevin asked if Howard ever did a sitcom. Howard said he did the Larry Sanders show but it was just a walk on. He said he loved Garry Shandling. He said he got to hold up his book and get a plug. He said Garry was taking acting lessons and wondering why he was eating yogurt. He said he told him he had to go and he had things to do.
Kevin said he must have been taking lessons from Roy London who says you have to be authentic. Howard said Kevin was close to Garry. He asked how he met him. Kevin said he doesn't remember how he met him. He said their lives just melded together and they were good friends. Howard said eerily Garry had said to Kevin that before he dies they have to go out and do stand up together. Kevin said he did. He said they'd talk about material together. He said Garry loved working on jokes and writing. He said he had some of the greatest jokes. He said he had one about how he'd shave one leg so when he was lonely he'd feel like he was with a woman.
Howard said Garry killed it when he was on the Tonight Show. Kevin said he really was great. He said he looked up to him and wanted to learn from him. Kevin said he was into Transcendental Meditation and he also saw him French kiss a dog. He said Garry went to a resort in Maui. He said he saved a dog out there. He said they got the dog's leg fixed after seeing it injured. Kevin said he called Garry about it and he had seen the dog there when he was there too. Kevin said that Garry asked to see the dog when he brought it home. He said it was the dog that Garry had seen so Garry ended up keeping it. Kevin said it was the best relationship Garry had ever had. He said it was the longest.
Howard said Garry never got married. He said he would be on talk shows talking about his lack of prowess with women. Howard said he was something else. Howard said his Larry Sanders Show was great too. Kevin said that was ground breaking. He said the show made a big impact.
Howard said Kevin is one of the guys who used to go to the basketball games that Garry used to play. Kevin said they all got together after he died and hung out. He said that Jimmy Miller bought the house and he's fixing up all the things that Garry planned to do. He said Garry had this beautiful house and it was a mansion but it was also his albatross. Kevin said he was just over at the house the other day. He said Judd Apatow is doing a documentary about Garry. He said that Garry was very peaceful with everything.
Howard asked Kevin if he went hiking with Garry. Kevin said he never had the time when he'd ask him to go. He said it turns out his hiking was going from open house to open house in the Hollywood Hills. Howard said he'd do that. He said he loves looking at other people's homes. Kevin said he loved architecture. He said they'd walk around looking at houses.
Howard asked if he planned his hikes around open houses. Kevin said he may have just gone out and found them as they were hiking.
Howard asked if Garry took him on a hike and then meditated in the middle of that. Kevin said that they did go hiking up in Malibu and they got to a dried out creek. He said there was a foundation of a house that was up there and they're walking around jumping from stone to stone. He said he found Garry sitting on a stone meditating. He said he would have monks at his house at times too. He said they had monks at the funeral too. He said the whole row in front of him was monks.
Howard asked what the funeral was like. Kevin said they had some blue material going on there. He said they had a lot of his friends there. Howard said he was out in L.A. once and Garry came by to say hello. Howard said he didn't know if the guy liked him. Kevin said that he did like Howard. He said Garry told him to do the Howard Stern Show when he was wondering if he should. Kevin said he had fun doing that stuff and Garry was the one telling him to just embrace it and be in the moment.
Howard said Apatow must beat him out for being a big fan of Garry's. Howard said he tweeted about Garry first. Kevin said his tweet was quality. He said it might have been about hiking or something.
Howard said he wants to know about this Arnold Palmer. Kevin said he's amazed by Howard. He said he's such a great interviewer. Howard said he's in a rhythm. Kevin said when Howard dies he's going to be the first one to tweet about him.
Howard said Kevin is great. He said he watches him on Conan and shows like that. Kevin said he feels like he's auditioning when he does those shows. Howard said Kevin learned from Steve Martin. He said Kevin said that he always had a bit planned on every show he did. Howard said Kevin always prepares a bit. Kevin said he does. He said one of his favorites was when he did Conan years ago. He said Garry and David Duchovny were in town that week. Kevin said that he has a look alike agency. He said he tells Conan that and he has quite a stable of people. He said that he had Roseanne Barr come out and then he says he has a Garry Shandling look alike and Garry comes out. He says he's Bob Johnson or someone like that. He said then David comes out and says he's like Tony Loucoola or something. Howard said that Conan still doesn't know those were the real guys.
Howard said Arnold Palmer just died and he had his own drink. Howard said he didn't know what the Arnold Palmer was. He read about it and found out it was lemonade and iced tea. Kevin said you think about mortality all the time. Kevin said that you do something that makes people remember you. Kevin said if you have a drink that's the best because it'll go on forever. Howard said he did a commercial with Arnold. Kevin said he did. He said he had a problem with his shoulder so he wasn't golfing at the time. He said Arnold was so loved by people. He said he asked Arnold about golfing and he was telling him he designed a bunch of golf courses. He said he had designed a mini golf windmill. then he met his mother and said he knew her too.
Howard said that Kevin did a phony phone call for the show Crank Yankers that Jim Florentine was on. Howard said Kevin did a great call on the show and he wants to play that. He said it's so good. Howard played the call and Kevin keeps talking over the woman he's talking to about going to the gym she works at.
After the clip Howard said they have to admit that Ted Danson could never do that. Kevin said he'd like to know who she is and why she stayed on so long.
Howard asked Kevin about the 40th anniversary Saturday Night Live show. Kevin said there were a lot of great people there. He said he saw Prince there. He said he smiled and Prince smiled back as he walked by. He said he shook his hand even though he heard he doesn't like to shake hands. He said he wasn't shocked that he shook his hand until his wife told him about that.
Howard asked Kevin about running into Eli and Peyton Manning at the Saturday Night Live party. Kevin said they had hosted at one time so they were there. Kevin said he's not a big football fan but he wanted to get a picture with them for his kid. He said he was sitting with his kid in the green room and Sarah Palin was there. He said his kid went in and she's there sitting there with a few other people. He said she was very nice to his son. Kevin said he was thinking maybe he's wrong about her. He said she might make a great babysitter. Howard said he heard he walked in and saw her and said ''Hi Tina!''
Kevin said he took a picture of Peyton Manning and he had his brother look at how the picture looked. He said a while later he looked at his phone and it's in Chinese. He said Eli messed with the phone and it's just something he does. Howard asked if he figured out how to do it. Kevin said if Eli figured it out it must be easy. He said he found him and told him he hates the Giants. He said he put it back.
Howard said that's a clever stunt. Kevin said they've been doing it for years. Kevin said that it was so immature of them to do that.
Howard gave Kevin a plug for the show ''Man with a Plan'' which is on Monday nights on CBS. Howard asked if he's a vegetarian now. Kevin said he eats salmon too. He said it's supposed to be good for your memory. Howard said he forgot Sarah Palin's name was so maybe it's not working.
Howard asked if he was recently made the honorary mayor of Palisades Park. Kevin said it doesn't qualify you at all. Howard asked if he got a dumb flag. Kevin said that guy Jake Steinfeld was the last honorary mayor. He said he's still that big guy from Body by Jake. Howard said he was the biggest thing. Howard asked if he's a billionaire. Kevin said he must be. He said he put everything there is into being the honorary mayor. Howard said he should take over the town and take it very seriously. Kevin said that he is trying to do something about the crime in the town. He said there are a lot of people using Botox there.
Howard said that Kevin has said it all. Kevin asked why he comes back if he's said it all. Howard said he's sure he'll figure out more to say next time. Howard asked if that guy Jake still works. Kevin said he's still working. He said he's a very motivated guy.
Howard gave Kevin some more plugs and said he wants to see his chemistry with the guy from Friends. Howard asked if Kevin has a wife on the show. Kevin said he does. Howard asked if she's hot. Kevin said she's a great actress. Kevin said there are a lot of good people on the cast.
Kevin said the one thing that disappoints him about Howard is that he never watched Weeds. Howard said he didn't. Robin said he would have loved it. Kevin said he had Jeffrey Dean Morgan on the show the other day. Howard asked if he watches The Walking Dead. Kevin said he wants to. Robin said Howard would love Weeds. Howard said he can still watch it. Kevin said Jenji Kohan created it and it's a really good show. Howard said he'll watch it. Kevin said he'll never watch it.
Howard asked if Kevin's parents are still around. Kevin said they are. He said they're in their 90s. Howard asked if they went to Saturday Night Live when he was doing it. He said they did. Howard said they must be proud of him for being honorary mayor. Kevin said they are.
Howard gave Kevin some plugs and said you can find out more about him at KevinNealon.com
Robin said she noticed that Kevin was talking about his son a lot and how he likes to impress him. Kevin said he does love him. He said he was wrong about Howard. He said he thought that he was going to have another kid when he got married. Howard said he did and he gave it to Garry Shandling. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break. They played the band Nelson's cover of Howard's ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes'' and a Yucko the Clown in Rockefeller Center bit as they went to break.
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After the commercial read Howard came back and said his wife just did Good Day New York. Howard said she might be coming up to talk about the free adoption stuff. Howard said that might happen. He said she went to that movie screening the other night. He said he's not even sure what it was. He said Beth sat next to Norman Reedus at the screening. Howard said she was all ''Norman this and Norman that'' after talking to him. Howard said he hopes he's gay. Robin said she doesn't think so. Howard said Beth looked really good too. He said she had the middle cut out of her dress. Howard said he tries wearing those and people tell him to cover up. Howard said he requested that she be seated next to a woman but that didn't happen.
Howard said Beth doesn't even watch The Walking Dead. Howard said he told her Norman abuses cats but he's actually into saving pets. Fred said he's a painter and a photographer too. Howard said hopefully Negan will kill him off. Robin said ''Nooo!'' Robin said if they kill Darrell then she's done. Robin said don't kill the son either. Howard said this week's episode was good. He won't give anything away though.
Howard said it's time for some news. Fred played Robin into it with a song parody about Robin from Little Mikey. Howard said that's emoting. Robin said he has to stop yelling. Howard said Mikey never takes a day off.
Robin read a story about what Bill Gates is reading. Robin had to tell Howard that non-fiction is the real stuff and fiction is the made up stuff. Robin mentioned some of the books that Gates says he's reading. She ran through a bunch and one was from the founder of Nike. Howard said he'd rather read about a rock than about Nike.
Howard's wife Beth showed up while Howard was talking about what he learned reading Bruce Springsteen's book. Howard asked Beth if she wore that dress on TV. Beth said she did. Howard said his mother is such a fan of Beth's. He said that she called the other day talking about how gorgeous she is. Howard did his impression of his mother talking about her excellent taste and how she looks classy. Howard did the impression of his father asking ''Who?'' when he hears Robin talking. Howard tried talking to Beth as his mother. Beth said Howard's mother is the best. Beth said they were down the block from their house and they could hear what they were watching on TV.
Beth said she's there for a purpose. Howard mentioned how she was hanging out with Norman Reedus. She said he's a pet rescue guy and they're friends now so they're going to get together. Howard said Beth doesn't even watch the show. He said she doesn't care about the show. Howard said he told her she can only sit next to women. Beth said she saw ''Office Christmas Party'' with Jennifer Aniston. She said it was very funny.
Howard asked Beth if Norman was alone. Beth said he was there with a guy friend who is looking to adopt a pet. She said that he was very nice. Howard asked if he's gay. Beth said he's not and he was married to Helena Christianson. She said he's a huge fan of the show too. Beth said he's going to get together with them.
Beth said the other day she mentioned that her Christmas wish would be to get all of the pets adopted from North Shore Animal League. Beth said some friends got together and they decided to cover the cost of adoptions through the weekend. She said that they want to get all 300 pets adopted. She said now is a great time to adopt. She said you can say that Howard Stern helped. Howard said do that so Beth can stop thinking about Norman. She said they shared a popcorn. Howard asked if she really did. Beth said of course not. Howard said he probably cut a hole in the bottom of the bucket. Beth said now she can't sit next to him.
Howard said Beth looks beautiful. Beth said she doesn't today. Beth asked if they can talk about the cat them have in their home now. Howard said he weighs 24 pounds and he's great. His name is Maurice. Howard said he'd be the greatest pet. Howard said you can see him on Beth's Instagram @BethOStern.
Beth said it's nice to see Howard at work. She said he looks good. Howard said someone yesterday told him he looked really good. Howard said it was Jim Meyer the head of this company. Beth said that's a big deal. Howard said he knows beauty. Howard said lets hope they make love later. Howard said they have date night tonight. Howard said he's ready for that. Howard said he has an outfit all ready to go. Howard said they're going to have a threesome too after dinner. Robin asked if she heard about Ronnie yesterday. Howard said she has to deal with Ronnie a lot. He told her about Ronnie coming home one night and hearing his parents in a threesome. He heard them and then went and beat off and felt better. Howard told her to go say hi to Ronnie now. Beth said she usually kisses him but she really can't now.
Howard said Ronnie's dog used to lick his asshole when he was banging his girlfriend. Beth said no and she never wants to hear that. Howard said he loves her and asked if she's going to hang out. Beth said she'll hang out. She asked if she can take a picture and put it on Instagram. Howard said she can. He had to approve it though. Howard said he should take one of her in her dress. Howard said he looks horrible in the pictures. He told her which one to use.
Howard said no one wants to see his fucking face. Beth said she has a hot husband. Howard said he has her hypnotized. Howard said Norman looks like he stinks. Beth said he doesn't though.
Robin got back to her news and read that Time magazine has named Donald Trump ''Person of the Year.''
Robin read a story about the top tweets of 2016. Robin said a gamer who tweeted out one word and got 1.3 million retweets was number one. Harry Stiles was number 2 and Hillary Clinton had the third most popular tweet.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Beth looked great on Good Day New York. She said everybody loves Beth on Instagram. Mariann was going on for a while so Howard said he can't take it and hung up on her. Howard played Mariann singing a Christmas song after that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said Beth likes when he reads commercials. Beth was watching him. Howard said his career is going well. Howard said Norman Reedus can't read. Howard said he's practically illiterate. Howard said he and Beth have been together 16 or 17 years and he still wants to rip her clothes off. Howard asked how it was out on the street in that dress. Beth said the Paparazzi got her. Howard said he'd imagine so. Howard said she looks great. Howard said he should have sex with her at the studio. Beth said ''No.'' Howard said they can do it in the office after the show. Beth said no. Beth said they did it in the limo once. Howard forgot about that. Beth said that's probably the craziest. Howard said Ronnie was jerking off to it. Howard said he can't remember doing that. Beth asked if it was good. Beth said it wasn't. She said the idea was fun but it didn't work out that well.
Robin read a story about Chris Rock announcing that he's going out on the road with his Total Black Out stand up act. Robin had some audio of Chris making the announcement. Howard said it's going to be interesting to see. Howard said he's divorced now and dating up a storm. Robin said he might have been at the Victoria's Secret show.
Robin read a story about a video of a comedian named Tony Bird when bullets started flying at a show in New Jersey. Robin had some audio of the guy doing his act and gun shots went off. Robin said this was in Bloomfield and 30 shots were fired. Robin said several people were injured. Robin said police are still looking for those involved.
Robin read a story about a man carrying a gas can and matches near Rockefeller Center has been arrested. Robin said he was carrying a book called Son of Hammas and police were called. Robin said he was ranting about the police when he was arrested.
Robin read a story about Van Williams who played Green Hornet dying. Howard said he knew who he was. Howard said he may not know a lot but he knew that. Robin had some audio from the old Green Hornet show. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard asked if Beth is hungry. She said she is and she wants some French fries. Howard said he has his breakfast ready to go. He said as soon as Robin says ''And that's what's happening'' he's ready to eat. Beth said she'd love an egg wrap. Howard said he can get her one. Beth said she's fine. Gary said he can get another one. Beth said she'd like one with cheese.
Howard said Jason, Gary, Jeremy and Marci all stand in front of him and watch him eat. Howard said he had spaghetti and eggplant the other day. Beth said he throws out half of his spaghetti and it's heart breaking. Howard said he takes a fork and throws it right in the garbage. He said it kills him because he wants it so bad. Howard said it's as much as he can pierce. He said he takes just one fork full now. He used to take 3. Beth asked if he ever goes back in after throwing it out. Howard said no. He said every day is torture. He said even sleep is torture. Beth said she had a coughing fit last night too so they had all kinds of trouble. Howard didn't want to say what his dream was about. Howard said his mother tried to grab his penis.
Howard said the only time he has peace in his life is when he's inside Beth. Howard said that doesn't last long. Howard said he can sense when Beth has had enough. He said he can end it at any time. Howard said Beth has something no other woman has. Howard said he defies any man to try to hold out with her. Howard said no Norman Reedus will ever get to try. Howard said they have a nice time. He said they go at it for a while.
Beth said Howard could barely walk this weekend but after sex he was fine. Howard said he loves what she has there. He said he's been with others and she was given a gift. Beth said Howard is her gift. Howard thanked her.
Robin read a story about Netflix and how they will allow you to play a preview of shows and movies as people browse. Howard said he doesn't want that. Robin said she would appreciate that. Howard said what he likes about Kindle is that they let you read a sample of a book. He said then he ends up buying them. He likes that.
Gary said that you can now download the shows on Netflix. Howard said he knew that. He said he's going to just watch the synopsis instead.
Robin said when you send a child on a plane alone is the airline taking responsibility for the child. Howard said no. Robin sad a Brooklyn mother just settled a lawsuit with Jet Blue. Howard said you're responsible if you put a kid on a plane at 5 years old. Beth said that sounds like the movie ''Lion'' they just saw. Robin read about this woman who put her 5 year old on a flight from the Dominican Republic to New York and he was put on the wrong flight to Boston. Howard said they're not in the business of watching your child. He said you can't hold the airline responsible. Robin said the woman says she will never fly Jet Blue again. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said it seems like he's been doing this show forever. He said he feels like he lives there. Robin said when the days are shorter it can seem that way.
Robin read a story about Donald Trump saying he's showing more control on social media now. Robin had some audio of Trump talking about why he uses social media to get information out there. Robin said he thinks he's restrained and only tweets about important things.
Howard asked Beth who her ''hall pass'' would be. Beth said she does not have an answer. Howard said he feels she does. Beth said she doesn't. Howard asked if it's Norman Reedus. Beth said she's not going to answer. Howard said that's the right answer. He said she hasn't been attracted to another man since they got together.
Robin read more about Trump and who he's been meeting with since being elected. Robin had some clips for Howard to play.
Robin read a story about Hillary Clinton thanking her millionaire donors by holding a party for them. Robin said that Tim Caine is having a party on the same day.
Robin read a story about Angela Merkel calling for a birka ban in Germany. Robin said this is a surprising about face for her. Howard said you can still wear a Darth Vader costume though. Robin said she doesn't think so.
Robin read a story about today being the 75th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. Robin had some audio of a veteran talking about being there on the day of the attack.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him not to torture himself with his eating. He said he's too hard on himself. Howard said he thinks he should eat whatever he wants and just work out more. Robin said Richard Gere just mentioned that on Facebook recently. Robin said he thinks that you should just do what you want and enjoy life.
Robin read about how Derek Jeter's number 2 will be retired next year. Howard said good for him. Robin said it's the final single digit number to be retired. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Here's what they played on this morning's replays on Howard 100:
Today's show was over around 11:00am.
Here's what they replayed on Howard 100 this morning:
Today's show was over around 11:10am.