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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show talking about Benjy the star of Sharknado 2. Howard asked how that shoot went. Benjy said he got there on time on Wednesday. He said he couldn't find anyone at first. He said he did see the trailers there. He showed up at the Honey Wagon like they asked him to. Benjy said the woman gave him an intersection to go to. He went there and there were trailers. He said he went into the trailer that had his name on the door. He said he sat there and texted the producer and then they met up. Howard said it must be low budget if he's meeting on the street with no make up. Benjy said there was make up. He said they called his character a homeless guy. He said he felt it was more Sam the Prophet. He said he was warning people what was coming. He said he had a whole back story he made up.
Howard asked where he learned that. Benjy said his niece told him about that because she was in it too. He said his sister got him into the movie with her. Howard said without that family they wouldn't be making the movie.
Benjy told Howard that they wanted Howard to play a part in the movie and they were going to have the sharks attack the studio and Howard saves Robin from them. Howard said he'd have to be high to do that.
Howard said that Piers Morgan wanted him to do the last show he was doing at CNN. Howard said he was thinking about doing it but he had to turn him down. He said he would have had fun doing the Sharknado thing but he doesn't want to be in the shittiest movie of all time. Benjy said he likes it. Howard said for Benjy it's different. Benjy said they are very successful and people give them crap about it. Howard said he doesn't want his second film to be Sharknado. Benjy said it's not that bad. Howard said it's a goof but people don't get that.
Howard asked Benjy about getting made up and what happened then. Benjy said he was in his trailer for a long time. He said he only had a couple of lines so he tried to learn them. Howard said he has tried to remember the words to ''Hurt'' and he can't do it. He said that he was going to memorize them this weekend and then asked why he was doing that. Howard said he doesn't know the lyrics to any song by heart. Benjy said he doesn't either. Howard said he worked on it all weekend and he still only knows half the chorus. He said he's not sure he could even do it now.
Howard said he was out to dinner with some actor friends and he asked how they do it. Howard said they have some way of remembering. Howard said he tries to remember ''Hurt'' and he can only get through half the first sentence. Benjy said maybe it's easier to sing it and remember it that way. Howard said he'll see if he can do it now. Howard asked where they got the new guitars from. Fred told Howard about the three guys that sent guitars to them. Howard said they have to rely on the kindness of others.
Fred said he wasn't sure if they could fix the Ovation guitar. He said that they have some others in there and one is an early type electric. Howard said they should give them a plugs. Fred said they're D'Angelico guitars.
Howard started to play ''Hurt'' on one of the guitars. He forgot the lines after the first one. Then it came to him. He continued on and kept singing. He forgot again eventually. He said he struggles with the words. Robin said he remembers the tune though. Howard said it's hard for him to remember the words. Robin said it must be a mental block. She said he's playing the song without sheet music and he can sing some of it. Howard said he did have the ideas for what the lyrics were.
Howard broke into ''Old Man'' and Robin kept talking over him as he was doing it. Howard was able to remember the lyrics to that song. He was able to play too. He forgot the lyrics about half way in. Howard said he only knows half of the words to one of the three songs he can play. He started to play ''Across the Universe'' and gave up after the first line or so.
Howard said he was going to start a new song but he asked how he can do that if he doesn't know the other 3 all the way through. Fred said he has the same problem as Howard does with the lyrics. He said actors have a muscle they can use to do that acting thing. He said he just doesn't have it.
Howard asked Benjy what his lines were. Benjy said it was only 3 lines. He said it was ''Repent Ye Sinners, the end is nigh.'' He said the next line was after he falls over when a guy walks into him. He said he loves falling over like that. He said he's good at that. Howard said he is good. He said he's seen him in the street doing bits for them and he crawls down the subway steps and his fat protects him. Benjy said they told him he couldn't do it because they have liability. Benjy said they told him he had to stop. Howard asked if he felt it. Benjy said he did the next day. He said he didn't feel it at the time.
Howard asked if the director is the same one from the first movie. Benjy said it is. He said it's Anthony Ferrante. Benjy said they had him warning people about the sharks and things like that. He said he wanted to throw in some other stuff about the bible but he was afraid they'd cut it out. Howard said he thinks it would have been okay.
Benjy said he figured he wanted to be taken by the sharks because he was a prophet. He said this was his back story. He said he was screaming in joy when the shark came. Howard said it was like the rapture for him. Benjy said it sounded a lot like screaming in terror.
Howard asked if he went to the director with this stuff. Benjy said they don't tell you how to play it. He said he did what the director asked but he did some stuff on his own too.
Benjy said Lisa G was there and he had to kick her out of his trailer. He said she was giving him direction on how to do his lines. He said he was thankful that she was there but he had to kick her out. He said he was so anxious that he needed time for himself. He said Elisa was there too and he was able to director her on what to do. He said he was hoping she'd get into the movie too. He said she told him to just work on his own thing.
Howard said Benjy threw himself on the ground and they had to calm him down. Benjy said they could have put pads on him but he turned it down.
Howard asked when he got out of there. Benjy said it was like a 5 or 6 hour day. He said he met Pepa from Salt & Pepa. He said he met Kari Wuhrer too. Howard asked if she's still hot. Benjy said she is. Fred found a picture of her and he said she's 46 years old. Howard said she's too old. He said she shouldn't have allowed herself to get that old. Benjy said Pepa is looking good too.
Howard asked how Lisa G and Elisa got along. Benjy said they were fine. Howard asked if Kari is really still hot. Benjy said he thinks he would say she is. Howard said she used to come on the show and she was really hot. He said she was annoyingly hot. He said you wanted to hate her for being hot because he couldn't have her. He said he was angry at her when she'd come in.
Howard said Benjy pisses him off too. Howard said Benjy is an actor now. Benjy said the movie is supposed to be out in July. He said he thinks he's integral to the movie. He said he doesn't think that they'll cut him out. Howard asked if he screamed when he was eaten. Benjy said he thinks so. Howard asked if he pretends to be eaten or what. Benjy said the director yells ''shark'' and he jumps back. He said he's not sure how they'll show the shark eating him. Howard asked if they do that in post. Benjy said they do. He said they tell him to look into the sky and then he sees it. Howard said they must need some kind of device and then lay an effect over it. Benjy said he'll be eaten by a cartoon shark. Howard said he's not sure how they do that. He said he thought they needed a green screen.
Howard said he can't bring himself to watch that stupid movie. He said he just saw one scene where he was eaten by a shitty rubber shark. Benjy said he thinks they used those but for his scene. Howard said there were scenes that looked like cartoons eating people. He said he imagines that's what Benjy's will look like. Benjy said his scene was the final scene they were shooting. He said they really wanted to get home. Robin said that usually shows in the movie too. Howard asked if he was being eaten when he fell down. Benjy said no. He said this guy Damon from Shark Tank was there and he walks past him. He said that he says that he's going to be eaten by a hammerhead shark and that's what happens to him.
Howard said that they're already talking about Benjy being shit out by the shark for Sharknado 3. Howard said Benjy might be the biggest star in the movie. He said they had Pepa and Kari. He said that Benjy is more happening than Kari is. Howard said Benjy looks like a big, fat pumpkin today. He said he's really full of himself. Howard said he called him a few times and told him that it was 3 am and asked if he wanted to hang out. Howard said he's a whole different Benjy now. Howard said he was asking when they're going to hang out with Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox.
Benjy said this was really exciting for him. He said he was proud to be a part of this iconic movie. Howard and Robin asked ''Iconic?'' Benjy said he thinks it is.
Howard said he imagined Benjy stealing food like Lena Dunham's character did in Girls. Benjy said he often stops by movie sets and eats from the craft services table. Howard said he must be ashamed to do that. Benjy said it's when they're set up on the street that he does it. He said they don't even question it. He said he didn't even eat on the set of this movie. He said he felt weird being there like he was actually supposed to be there. Howard said he can't wait to see this movie.
Benjy asked if he ever remembered any poems for class in school. Howard said he never had to. He said he writes a lot and he doesn't know punctuation and the simple stuff that people know from childhood. He said it was never taught or he didn't absorb it. Howard said when he wrote his books he would sit at the computer and didn't know how to punctuate the sentences. He said he should know that stuff. Howard said he doesn't know how a semicolon works or when it goes in. He said he's not sure what a pronoun is and it bothers him. He said he doesn't want to be ignorant.
Jeff asked if he has an announcement to make about the birthday bash. Howard said not today. He said he does have something to tell about something that happened. He said that Beth came up with this idea for the North Shore Animal League to have a cage free environment. Howard said that they found out it was going to cost like 7 million bucks to build it. Howard said they've raised a bunch of money so far. Howard said Billy Joel called them up and had them come over to his house. Howard said Billy told him that May 9th is his birthday. He said he's a Long Island guy and he was doing a concert at Madison Square Garden and he's going to donate all of the earnings from that for the Bianca's Furry Friends thing. Howard said that has to be a big amount of money. He said the concerts are already sold out so he's not looking for publicity. Howard said Billy asked him to come and introduce him on May 9th so he's going to do it. He said the show is sold out already though. He said he's donating all of the proceeds from that to this thing. He said he's such a good guy.
Howard said these people have pets that they end up getting rid of. He said that they live in little cages and they live there. He said this is going to help the project break ground and this is a big deal. He said she's very thankful to Billy for doing this. He said he's a wonderful guy.
Jeff was coughing and making the phone go nuts so Howard hung up on him. He said he calls all day and this is what happens when he picks up. Howard said Billy didn't ask him to do any of this. He said he's hoping that this is okay.
Howard said he has a lot of questions about this movie but he's not sure he wants more Benjy. He said he thinks he had his fill. Benjy said they would love to talk to Howard about the movie. Howard said he has no desire to do that. Howard said that this is the worst fucking thing ever and he knows that Benjy is serious about it. Howard said it looks very cheap and it's made for 10 cents. He said they sell it to a cable channel and that's it. Howard said he didn't want to get into a business discussion about that. He said he's happy for Benjy though.
Howard said they have tape of Benjy on set with the director. Gary told Howard where it was. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to hear that. Robin said she did. Howard played the clip where the director was telling Benjy what to do in this scene. He was yelling ''Shark!'' when he was ready for the shark to attack. Howard said that was it. They did it in one take. Benjy said they actually did a couple of takes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the Chelsea Handler interview was great last week. He said there's a whole story about her in the NY Post about that interview. Howard said he had a few people telling him not to have her on and it was a weird mix of comments on her. Howard said she came on very ''dude'' like. He said she sat down and talked about fucking guys and things like that. Howard said it was one outrageous thing after another. He said she's one of his top 5 guests of all time. He said he's not sure what he's missing.
The caller said they should put the birthday show out on DVD or Blu-Ray. Howard said he's doing something even better but he can't announce it yet. The caller said he was there and he was in the group photo at the end of the night. Howard said he's not sure what it is but the security companies weren't doing their job. Howard said he doesn't mind sitting and mingling but he's not sure how everyone ended up on stage. He said whoever was doing security didn't give a fuck about their job. Howard said their whole job was to keep people in line and people were just getting on stage.
Robin said she told Howard about the 80 year old woman who just walked in and sat down. Howard said no one stops anyone and asks questions. He said that's the way of the world. He said that's just the way things go. Howard said the people who put energy into their jobs are gems. He said you can't run your business without them.
Howard took another call from a guy who was snoring. The guy was pretending. He asked Howard if he has ever had an argument with Beth over something stupid. Howard said she usually just quiets down and leaves if she argues. Howard said he had a bit of a tiff with her over rearranging his office. Howard said he thought she was being negative about it and he said ''You're not helping me'' and she walked out. He said he was tantruming like a child. He said he turns her into his mom and she'll just walk out when he does that. Howard said it's really effective to do that. Howard said that's as close as he got to an argument this weekend. Howard said he feels his office is too nice and he wants to mess it up. He said it looks so great but it becomes more of a shrine or a museum. He said he started moving stuff around and Beth got upset about some of the stuff he moved. He said he had to put a couch back and Beth was right. He said she asked him to move slower and not throw out the good stuff. He said she's more calm than he is. Howard said he isn't an arguer. He said that he doesn't like yelling or having confrontation.
Gary told Howard he had more Sharknado audio from the set of the movie. He had a clip of Benjy screaming at people to repent and a guy knocking him down. Howard said he's like the De Niro of Homeless people. Robin said it may be too good for Sharknado. Howard said Benjy screaming is the best thing he does. Fred played a clip of him screaming. Howard said they found the perfect job for him. Howard said being on the set of a movie is the greatest. He said he and Robin loved it and they still go every day. They went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he went out with a girl and she had fine labia. He said they broke up and got back together years later. He said that they ended up being like a saddle on his cock. He said he thinks she just liked getting laid and they started to hang. Howard said maybe they grow as you get older. Robin said she doesn't think so. The caller said they were like nuts hanging down.
Howard said he got a lot of email from when he called the sex shop as his parents. He said he has to do more of that. He said he enjoyed doing that with Sal and Richard. He did some of his impression of his mother talking about her labia.
Howard said everything last week was about labia. He said that's the hot topic of the week. Howard went through the email and people were asking if his hair is real. Howard said it is real. He said he's not wearing a wig. Howard read some mail about that phony phone call he made where he was playing his parents. Howard had some nice feedback about Bryan Cranston. Howard said he had a guy who was impressed with his guitar playing and his impressions. He said that guy thought his singing was okay but his guitar playing is good.
Howard said he has a lot of hobbies now. He said he's into Calligraphy, guitar playing, art journaling with Rosie O'Donnell... Howard said he's also busy with photography. He said he was busy with Beth this weekend. He said he's doing so many things that he had to rip his office apart to make room for them all.
Howard said he's mind mapping and into GTD. He said he's going to get an English teacher too. Howard said he has so much going on now. He said that's why he was ripping his office apart. He said he needs room to paint. He said he bought acrylic paints and he was painting. Howard said this all started when he turned 60. He said he has a lot of things to get done. He said he wrote a poem and he doesn't even know how to write them. He said that he wrote one like Ronnie did.
Howard said he wrote this dark poem that he called ''Broken.'' He said he's got so much going on. He said he's writing, journaling, arts and crafting. He said that he's paining in his journal as well as writing in it. He said Jimmy Kimmel sent him art supplies for his journal. He said Jimmy sketches and he's as good as Guillermo Del Toro. Howard said that he sent him a bunch of stuff to sketch with and he's doing that. Howard said he's modge podging. He said that's a mixture of glue and water and glaze. Howard said it turns out only teen age girls do this hobby. Robin said it sounds like some of that Martha Stewart stuff she would talk about. Howard said that's what it is.
Howard said his daughter was wondering what to do so he gave her some advice on doing this stuff he's doing. He said her friend thought that he looked it up on the internet because no man would do that. Howard said he is doing it though. Howard said he likes doing this stuff but he's one hobby away from blowing a guy.
Robin mentioned that he watches The Bachelor too. Howard said the finale for the Bachelor is on tonight. He said that guy Juan Pablo is an asshole. He said he read somewhere that he still lives with his parents. He said that makes sense to him. He said the guy has a job where he goes around talking to other athletes. He said that can't be a high paying job. He said they picked a bad bachelor with this guy.
Howard said he's wrapped up in a lot of weird shit. He mentioned he watched Beverly Hills Housewives. Howard said he watches a lot of TV. He said he's up to about 10 hours a day of TV. Howard said Jon Hein watches so much that he's like an African black man. He said that they say that black men watch a lot of TV in some article he read so that's why he was saying that. Howard said Jon watches so much that he has plates in his lips and he clicks when he speaks.
Howard said Jon must watch 8 hours a day. Jon came in and Fred played him in with some African music from The Lion King. Howard said this is what they play when Jon watches TV. Howard said that's a good song for Jon. He said that's his theme song.
Howard asked Jon how many hours he watches. Jon said he watches more on the weekend. He said during the week it's maybe 2-3 hours a night. Howard said it must be at least 4. Jon said it might be more. He said that on the weekend it's more. Jon said he probably averages 4 hours a day. Howard said he's going to say it's 8. Jon said people tell him he has a problem but he doesn't think he does.
Howard asked Jon how the late night wars are going. Jon said Jimmy Fallon is still doing well. He said he's got about 5 million viewers. He said Letterman is still staying the course and he thinks that he'll pick up more of Jay's audience. Howard said he tapes all of the shows but he can't watch them all. He said he doesn't have time. Robin said she stopped doing that because she didn't have time. Jon said there are people who watch clips instead of the whole show.
Howard said he's annoyed that he watches Beverly Hills Housewives. He said it's 2 hours and it's too much. He said that they watch it anyway. Jon said it provides escapism for people.
Howard said he's not sure why he's watching this shit when he has so many other hobbies. He said he just can't turn it off. Jon said those shows are for just not thinking. Howard said he's trying to think right now and nothing's happening.
Howard said if the TV is on he can't do anything else. He said Leslie West told him to watch TV and play guitar. Howard said he can't do that. He said he can't have any distractions. Howard said Jon looks down on shows like The Bachelor. He asked what he's watching. Jon said he watches True Detective, the Good Wife, The Walking Dead and The Americans. Robin said he has to watch that show. Howard said he's liking Justified, Banshee and others. He said he has to get into House of Cards. He said he hasn't had time to do that yet. He said he's sucked into that Housewives show. Robin said he's watching The Blacklist. Howard said he's a few episodes behind. Howard said that guy is a good actor.
Howard took a call from a guy who sad that his girlfriend has some huge cunt lips. He said he chews on those lips and it's like chewing gum. He said he saw Lisa G's cunt lips back in 1973. He said they were at a pool and he saw them. Howard said that's bullshit. He said he's had him on before and Lisa said he was lying. Howard hung up on him after that. Howard said that guy had that story a couple of years ago and he's sticking with it. He said that guy is freaking him out a little bit. Howard said they have to go to break. He said they have that impression contest going on and you can enter if you do any good impressions of anyone from the show or anyone who has been on the show. It's pretty much impressions of anyone. They went to break after that.
Jon came in and said that he's proud of watching TV. He said he didn't count in the TV he watches coming in on the train and things like that. He said that he will write it all down and come in with a list. He said he does watch a lot of TV and stuff that he gets sent to him. Jon said when he did JumpTheShark.com he was doing a lot more. He said he was watching at least 6 hours a day. He said his wife wants him to get out but she knows that's what he likes to do. He said he is a couch potato and he's built like one. Howard asked if he does go out with his wife. Jon said they were out all day on Saturday in the city. He said they went to see ''If Then'' the musical. Jon said he's started watching TV while he's on the elliptical. He said that she told him he'd be in great shape if he did that with all TV. Howard said he wanted to do that too. He said his trainer told him he was doing too much though.
Howard said Jon could get into great shape if he did that while he's watching all TV. Jon said he collapses by Final Jeopardy when he's doing it. Jon said part of the joy of TV is sitting on the comfortable couch. He said he doesn't eat a lot while watching though. Howard said he was snacking on carrots and cucumbers. He said Beth didn't like that. He said he was making sandwiches out of cucumbers and with a carrot in the middle. He said he's really no fun. His fun is eating a cucumber and carrot sandwich.
Howard said he figured Jon's wife had an issue with him. Howard said she must want him to get out. Jon said they do go out. He said they went out to a movie the other night. Howard said she must want him to work out with her. Jon said she does that too. He said that they have to agree on the TV show they're going to watch but they can do that. He said he's not embarrassed by the amount of TV he's watching. Howard said Jon is totally aware of all of the TV he's watching. Howard said he knows everything about TV. Robin said he knows about all of these shows from Britain and Australia that she was asking about. Jon said he'll add it all up.
Howard said Elephant Boy and Cesar Milan are going to be on Leiberman Live today. Robin said poor Cesar won't know what hit him with Elephant Boy on with him. Howard said he may teach Elephant Boy to roll over.
Howard said he was thinking about Chelsea Handler's book title ''Uganda Be Kidding Me'' and he thinks he's going to call his next book ''Kenya Show Me Your Tits Robin?''
Gary told Howard about the JD game so Howard decided to give it a try. They had a clip of JD describing something and they had to guess what he was talking about. The first clip was something about Africa and how people get killed for them. The guys were guessing if he was talking about tusks or diamonds.
Howard played a phony phone call Sal and Richard made to a show where they said that the radio show host used naughty words. Richard said that he said the phrase naughty words and his grandson asked him what naughty words are. They kept asking the guy to apologize for saying the term ''naughty words.'' The host said he didn't use any profanity on the air but he as sorry if anyone misconstrued that.
Howard said those shows they call are internet radio shows that no one is listening to. He said the guy was going to apologize to them for their complaint about just saying the term ''naughty words.'' Howard said if he only knew that the guy making the calls loves piss porn.
Howard said that Kim Jong Un is running unopposed in the election over there. Howard said he hopes that at least one person writes in ''Baba Booey.'' Howard started saying ''Gary'' like Richard Simmons does. Howard said he loves that. They had a song parody where they took Richard's voice saying ''Gary'' and put it in a Nirvana song.
Howard said he was listening to some songs about Robin over the weekend. He gave Robin a few examples. He had a bunch where they were talking about her labia and other things. He had some from Little Mikey, Eli Braden, Matt Evans and Psych. Howard played one about Robin looking at her vagina in a mirror. Howard said that was Psych. Howard said that guy is an artist. He said that was called Muff in the Mirror.
Howard said he listened to 10 million of those things. Howard said the Beach Boys were playing somewhere and this guy gets on his phone and starts singing about Robin. Howard played that one and you can hear the Beach Boys playing behind the guy as he's singing into his phone. He was singing ''Robin's Ass''. Howard said this guy might have been riffing and he's singing low enough that other people must not be able to hear him. Robin said that he might be trying to avoid arrest. Howard said he thinks that he's doing a cover of a song parody that they got. He said he has to look into that.
King asked Howard if he saw 12 Years a Slave. Howard said hell no. He said he has it but he hasn't watched it yet. He said he has to brace himself to hate the white man. King said that they had Paul Giamatti in the movie and he plays a slave seller. Howard said the guy is just trying to make a living. King said that it's a cool movie. He said he has to see it.
Gary told Howard about some of the stuff in the movie that Michael Fassbender has his slaves do. He said it's pretty crazy stuff. Howard said he heard Brad Pitt is in the movie. Robin said he's got a small part in it and he plays a good white person. Robin said he produced the movie so that's why he did that. Robin said he's a little cowardly in his role. Robin told Howard what that part was about.
Howard asked what kind of songs the slaves are performing. Gary explained it and King got in on that discussion too. Howard said this country acts like we're so great but they had slaves doing dance shows after picking cotton all day long. Howard said if he owned a plantation he'd have his slaves naked. He said that at night they could be naked. Robin said they had one slave that would pick 500 pounds of cotton and then she had to fuck the slave owner.
Howard asked about why the play the slave owner had would be clothed. He said he'd have the girls naked. Gary said he doesn't know. He said that they say that the movie is about 95 percent accurate. Robin said that they used to work slaves to death because they were so cheap to buy. Howard said any white guy could get a slave. He said he pictures them looking like Jeff the Drunk. He said they could all have their own harem. Howard said he's not sure he could watch the movie. He said he doesn't want to see that kind of stuff. He said it's going to bum him out. Gary said he might be right.
Howard asked if that movie made money. Gary said it's back in the top 10 this week. Howard asked who is going to see it. King said that white people are going to see it but they won't admit it. He said he asked Steve Brandano if he saw it and he said he didn't. Gary said he's just going to go see a movie and he doesn't think about it being black or white.
King said he asked his daddy about something and Howard goofed him for calling him Daddy. He asked if he called his mom ''mommy'' too. King said sure he does.
Howard said he was reading about how much they made with that movie. He said they had an international number. Howard said he has so many movie he wants to watch and he doesn't end up watching that one. Howard said he's falling behind on The Walking Dead and things like that.
Howard said slavery is an intense subject. He said he may not want to see something like that. Robin said that Brad Pitt was wondering why more movies about slavery aren't made. She said she asked if he's kidding her with that.
Fred played some music that Gary said sounds like the music in 12 Days a Slave. Howard asked if Fred saw the movie. Fred said he did not. Fred said they were saying that a lot of the Academy members who voted for it didn't see it either. Howard said they have white guilt.
King was saying that if you put an American flag in front of your house then you're probably poor. He said you never see a flag on a mansion. King was laughing at himself again. Howard played the clip of the guy doing the impression of King again. Gary said that's really what he does. king said if you have a lot of Christmas ornaments on your house then you're probably poor.
Gary asked King if he's for gay marriage. King said he's not sure he'd sanction the marriage. Gary asked why he would care if gay people get married. Howard played the clip of the King impersonator again. King asked Gary if he would accept it if his son came home and said he was gay. Gary said he would be totally accepting. He said that it gets less tough once people like King die.
Howard said he has to go. King had more to say. Howard said he always has more to say. Howard took a call from a guy who said it's enough of him already. He did an impression of King and Howard hung up on that guy and took another call. The caller asked if he can make a deal and not take any calls from King for a week. King was telling him to do his own thing and not do what others are doing. The caller said one of the best things he ever did was get that other asshole his own show. Howard asked who he's talking about. The caller said he's talking about Ralph. King asked why he would say that about Howard's best friend. The caller told King to shut the fuck up. King asked what kind of car he has. The caller didn't say. King said the car makes you. The caller said he has a Grand Marquis. King laughed. The caller said he wanted to punch this guy in the face. The caller said he bought the car with his own money, not his father's. King said he hates when people say that.
Howard asked King what he drives. King said he had a Lexus and an Infiniti. Howard said he really had to go after they argued for a few more seconds.
The caller said he wants the chance to punch King in the face. King said he drives a Grand Marquis and he wants to punch him? King said he bets he could fuck his wife. He also said that he bets she doesn't get her period. The caller said at least his wife doesn't piss on him. King said his wife doesn't do anything for him. Howard said he may take a break from King for a couple of days. Howard let King go after playing that clip of the guy doing his impression of him.
Howard took a call from a guy who took too long to ask his question so he hung up. Howard tried another call from a guy who asked if he believes the story about Jimmy Fallon's people threatening guests not to do other late night talk shows. Howard said he went to dinner with Fallon a while ago. He said he likes Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. He said he said to Jimmy Fallon that he didn't know how to handle this. He said Fallon told him to just do the other shows. He said he was fine with it.
Robin asked if it could be the network saying that stuff. Howard said he knows the networks and he doesn't think that they'd be doing that either. He said they rarely do anything for your show. Howard said he doesn't think they have that kind of energy. The caller said that Helen Kushnick used to do that for Jay. Howard said that was Helen though. It wasn't the network. Howard said he doesn't take ultimatums from anyone so he won't listen to threats like that. Howard said he'll go right on the air and talk about it if they do. Howard said no one fucks with him. He said he won't go for that. The caller asked if Jimmy would take responsibility for it if the network was doing it. Howard said they're not that well thought out about it. He said it could be going on somehow but he's not sure.
Howard said that whole Crimean spring break thing he and Robin were going to do is off now. Howard said they were going to go there to party but it's all ruined now. Howard said that's all off. Robin said she loves that they had the Olympics over there and now this is going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was at Fred's show on Friday night and he was great. He asked if Fred gets nervous before the show. Fred said he was nervous but the songs were new so no one would know if he fucked them up or not. Howard asked if this is his old band. Fred said it's not but he has one of the guys from the old band back with him. He said this was at an Irish bar near Times Square. Howard asked if they're his songs. Fred said they were all his songs. He said they were not covers. The caller said that some of the songs were from his album Animal. Fred said that was an album he put out years ago. Howard said he heard there were three flights of stairs to get up there. Fred said there was an elevator there. Howard said some people wondered if he didn't want fat people there. Fred said High Pitch Eric was there so they were able to get in. Howard said he heard that Jason is still on his way up there. Howard said when Fred joins his band he'll be playing better venues.
The caller said it was a great show. He said Fred was amazing. He said he is a virtuoso. He said he was singing, playing lead and rhythm. He said it was just 3 guys and they sounded amazing.
Howard asked if he rehearses a lot. Fred said that they get together like once a week or so. He said that it's not that much. The caller said they were that tight and they only do it once a week. He said that's amazing. Howard said they have to get focus back on him. He said that it's enough of Fred.
Howard had a clip that they created of JD talking to Bryan Cranston as he's doing his JD impression. They mashed the two together and it sounded like dueling JDs. Howard said that's what that would sound like. They went to break a short time later.
Tommy asked who came up with the idea for Sternthology. Howard said that's their newest programming over there on Howard 101. Howard said that they play bits that connect to their history. Howard said whatever they talk about in the morning is what they play in the afternoon. Howard said they have a great tapes team that has done a lot of great work. Howard said it's a fantastic production. He said he's thrilled with the programming there on Howard 100 and 101.
Howard said he's not sure who came up with the idea. He said the guys who they call the tapes team come in early in the morning and work into the evening. He said they are so into it and they work really hard on that stuff. Howard said there isn't much turn around time. Tommy said they must be super fans. Howard said they're inspirational and they bust their balls to do this stuff. Howard said they try to bring their listeners the best.
Howard let Tommy go and said the tapes team works so hard they have a movie coming out called 12 Years a Tape Team. He said he makes them dance for him at night after they work the whole day.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Beth is going to be on a show in a few minutes. She threw out a bunch of other things about Fred and Howard doing the AGT thing at Madison Square Garden in April. Howard hung up on her when she started to sing ''All I need...''
Howard said Beth is going to be on the Today show and she'll be brushing a dog's teeth. He said she's the only one who knows how to do this stuff. Howard said that they were out to dinner last night and people were asking her about her book and what to do with their dogs. Howard said they asked Beth to come on and brush Al Roker's dog's teeth. Howard said they wanted her to do all of this stuff to this dog but you can't just do that to a dog. He said you have to work them into it.
Howard read another post from some guy looking to lick a woman's warm crotch. Howard said imagine your life wanting to sniff a woman's crotch with clothes on.
Howard had another list of a guy looking to eat spit and piss from another guy. He wanted to have his dick tortured and things like that. Robin asked if they can call that guy and get him on the show. Howard said this guy was saying ''sir'' after everything he was asking for. That guy went on and on about things he wanted done to him. He had a very long list. Howard said that guy is very well thought out. Howard said he's glad he doesn't have any of these fetishes. Howard said he describes his penis as being 8x6. Howard said that must mean it's 8 inches long by 6 inches around.
Howard said there's a video of Justin Bieber giving his urine sample at a police station. Howard said that it's blurred out but still, that's weird. Howard said he didn't know they could release stuff like that.
JD asked if he has a part in Sharknado 2 now. Howard said this is better. He said JD is claiming he wants to be a director all the time. Howard said this guy Rob McElhenney from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is a big fan of the show and he thinks JD is cool. He said he's willing to let him guest direct a scene. JD said ''Okay... alright...'' but he didn't sound that excited about it. Howard said he's the most blasse mother fucker on the planet. JD said it's a great opportunity but he could fuck it up and no one will ever want to do anything.
Gary said JD thinks about everything that's wrong with it and not right with it. Howard said this guy is claiming he'll let him guest direct and teach him for a few. Gary said Rob has really grown to like JD and he wants him to come out for a whole week and shadow the director for a full week. He said they'll give him some of the tools to help him direct.
Howard asked if he wants to do it. JD said he would like to do it. He didn't sound that excited about it. Gary asked what's bothering him about it. JD said he's thinking about how he gets this opportunity and nothing will ever happen after. He said he'd feel like an asshole. Robin said if he never does anything then he'll never do anything. Howard said he knows nothing about directing and he has never worked on a set. JD said he did work on a set at Full Sail. Howard said that's not a real set. Gary said this show has been on for 10 years. JD said he knows he hasn't done anything yet. He said he watches a lot of movies and stuff. Robin said that's not how you learn to make one. JD said you see the styles that are out there.
Howard asked JD if he knows how to break down a script. JD said he hasn't done it in a long time but he could figure it out. He said if he can read a script he can figure out the camera angles and stuff. Howard said he has to talk to the actors and stuff. He said he has to give them a mark to hit and things like that. JD said he's sure he can do it. Howard said he doesn't sound thrilled about it. Gary asked if he really wants to do it. JD said sure. He said that means yes. JD said they can all make fun of him after. Robin asked why he won't be successful. JD said he could be but he's sure they'll make fun of him either way.
JD said he said he's going to do it and thanked Howard for that. Howard said he still doesn't sound that excited about it.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked what DJ he went out to dinner with. Howard said it was John Brandmeyer. Bobo also said that what Billy Joel is doing is really cool. Howard said it really is. He said it means a lot to them. Howard said he's already sold the show out and he's doing this in honor of his own birthday and that he's adopted a lot of pets from the North Shore Animal League.
Howard said Underdog Lady gave Shuli an update on her ear wax problem. He said people were complaining that they were throwing up hearing that story. Howard played a clip of Shuli talking to Underdog about that ear wax problem.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if his dad has ever called him names like ''honey'' like his dad does. The caller said that his father does it in an emasculating way. Howard said his dad never called him any loving names. Howard said he would do things that emasculated him. Howard said his dad used to say ''Here he comes, Miss America.'' Howard said that's why he named his book Miss America. Howard said at the time he didn't think about it. He said he spent his life in a fog and wondered what he did that to him. Robin said maybe it was done to him too. Howard said he imagined that his dad was treated kind of shitty. He said that his dad may have had to treat him like his parents did to him. Howard said he felt very girly in the house since he spent most of the day in the house with his mom and sister. Howard said his dad would never call him ''Honey'' like this guy's dad did.
Howard said if he had a son he would want to help the kid out. Howard asked the caller what he's laughing about every minute. The caller said he's sorry. Howard said he's not sure what he's saying that's funny. The caller said he doesn't even know. He laughed again. Howard said no wonder his father went fucking nuts. Howard said maybe that's why his father calls him honey.
Howard said his dad loved Tarzan movies and monster movies. Howard said he would watch with him and it would always go wrong. Howard said it was a Frankenstein rip off movie. Howard said he has to hang up on this caller. He kept making noise.
Howard said there was this Frankenstein knock off movie and this guy developed a monster. His name was Shuter and his dad would call him that name for weeks after watching it. Howard said he went to the gym the other day and told the physical therapist that he felt like Shuter. He said the woman had no idea what he was talking about. He said he had to explain to her that it was about a monster. He said he has to go watch that movie again. He said that they have to find that movie. Howard said they had some good times watching some of those shows. He said Tarzan was one. Howard said that was a lot of fun.
Howard said Hanzi has more going on than Juan Pablo. Howard said he's basically Hanzi with a little bit better look. Hanzi said women don't like him anyway. He said he can just jerk off and that's fine with him.
Howard said on The Bachelor they have to sell him to the women. Hanzi said he can say he's on the Howard Stern Show. He said then they can pretend to like him and get to Howard's cock instead. Howard said he won't be doing anything with them. Howard said he's married.
Howard said he has to do this. He said if he had more time he would shoot a movie where Hanzi is the Bachelor. He said he'd have the girls see him and just run away. He said it would be a stampede. Howard said they'd want to get away from him.
Howard said they did a scene in Son of the Beach where a girl refused to kiss Tim Stack. Howard said the girl didn't want to kiss the guy. He said that's what this Hanzi movie would be like. He said the girls run away and don't want to be around him. He said they're big fat messes and even they don't want Hanzi. Hanzi said he wants hot chicks. Howard said he is the worst possible fucking date.
Howard said in the movie there's one hot chick who sticks around but at the end of the movie you find out she has a cock. Howard said that's the way the hot chick thing would work. Hanzi was upset that he couldn't get a word in but Howard told him they were creating so he didn't need to.
Howard and Fred were creating the scenes in the movie and coming up with ideas for how to work the hot chick with a dick into it. Howard said Hanzi's parents in the movie don't even care because they just want him out of the house. Howard said they have to sign him for this.
Hanzi said he wants to be on ''It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.'' Howard said no way to that. He said he has to be in the Maniacal Bachelor. Hanzi said he won't give him any opportunities. Howard said this is his opportunity. He said he's creating a show just for him.
Hanzi asked if he can get him on Community. Howard kept coming up with ideas for this movie for Hanzi. Hanzi said he wants to be in a TV show or Sharknado. Howard kept throwing out ideas for this movie instead. Hanzi would start to say something and they'd cut him off. Fred was doing his Herman Munster voice for the chick with a dick character. Howard said Hanzi could start growing tits for the role. Hanzi said he has tits already. Howard said they want them to be bigger. Robin was cracking up at the ideas Howard and Fred were throwing around.
Hanzi said he knows he's never going to get anything from this. Howard said this is a brainstorming session. He said he really has to go. Hanzi asked him to hold on. Howard hung up on him. The played the ''Imran Khan'' song parody about him after that. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard said that there is something new out that will wake you up with the smell of bacon coming from your iPhone. Howard said that JD would love that. Howard said Jason would too. Howard said he'd think that the smell of Zoe Saldana's panties would be a better smell for a guy. He said Gary said he's waiting for the smell of shrimp and black and white cookies before he'll buy it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they can make that Imran Khan song his ringtone. Howard said he would love that. Howard said he doesn't know how to do that though. He said his phone doesn't ring that much. He said it would be cool to have it as the ring though. Howard said those ringtone can be a little much though.
Howard said it's now legal in Massachusetts to shoot an upskirt photo. Robin said that is true. Robin said they're trying to pass a law that says it's illegal. Howard said that's an important victory for creeps in Massachusetts. Howard said Sal just booked a flight up there. He said Sal is thrilled. Howard said that's something. Howard said they just passed a new bill that they hope makes it illegal. Robin said right now you're home free though.
Howard said Khloe Kardashian lost like $250,000 in jewelry from her house. Howard said maybe Bruce Jenner borrowed it. Howard said evidently it's not him though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they came out with a panty pad for men's underwear. Howard said he has them but they're too uncomfortable. He said they are too bulky and his penis rubs on them. Howard said it didn't feel right. He said he's back to wrapping his penis is toilet paper.
The caller asked if Bubba is going to come back to his channels. Howard said there's always a chance. Howard said he and Bubba stay in touch. He said they email like once a month or so. He said he thinks Bubba is running for mayor down in Tampa. Howard said he thinks he could win. He said he is very popular down there. Howard said he and Jesse Ventura are looking to tap Bubba for the Department of Education. He said they'd call him Secretary Love Sponge. Howard said that Bubba has a young girlfriend and he tries to mentor him with his weight loss. Howard said he wants to do things his way though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he emailed Beth about Macie the cat a few weeks ago. Howard said she's 15 years old and there is no way she's blind. Howard said the story about this cat is so sad. He said the cat was locked up a long time. Howard said they heard from a lot of people who want her. Howard said they're having a hard time giving her up.
The caller said he got a response from Beth saying that South Florida is too far for her to travel. Howard said Beth goes to the people's homes and delivers them. Howard said they're not in that area. The caller said he's just trying to help out. Howard said he's glad he is. The caller said they adopted locally this weekend. Howard said that's great.
Robin started her news talking about a survey they had asking people about technology and if they knew what they stood for. Robin asked Howard some of the questions that were on the survey. Howard had a pretty good handle on all of that stuff. He wasn't 100 percent right about what he said but the people in the survey sounded like they were completely out of it. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a skydiver and a plane colliding in Florida. Robin said that it was an 87 year old woman learning to fly the plane. Robin said she was up in the sky practicing take offs and landings in a single engine plane. Robin said both the skydiver and the woman piloting are going to survive. Robin said as the guy was about to land the plane hit his strings and he plummeted to the ground. Robin said the plane slammed into the ground as well. Robin had some audio of the 87 year old speaking but it sounded like a guy. Robin said she thought it was a woman. Benjy told Robin that the guy's name was Shannon and not Sharon.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a close relationship with his son and he wonders how old he should be when he should stop kissing him on the lips. Howard said he should never do that. He said he and his dad kiss on the cheek. Howard said he thinks that's fucked up to kiss him on the lips. The caller said he only uses tongue on special occasions. Howard said he should never do that. Howard hung up on the guy and said it's outrageous. Howard said that can't be for real. Robin said there are men who do that. Howard said he doesn't kiss his daughters on the lips. He asked what that's about. He said you have to be out of your mind. Howard asked if that guy is Jerry Sandusky.
Robin read a story about Adam Lanza's father is now speaking out. Robin said he's giving his first interviews since the shootings that his son did. Robin said he's saying he's sorry his son was ever born. Howard said imagine having a kid who shoots you and shoots up a school. Howard said sometimes these kids are just fucked up. Robin said that the dad stopped seeing his son in 2010. He said he has removed all pictures of his son from his home and he's tried to reach out to the families of the victims and it's gut wrenching. Robin said the guy has gotten gifts and candy but he throws it all away thinking someone might be trying to poison him.
Robin said they say there's a sex tape featuring Johnny Carson. Robin said they say it belongs to a private person and they tried to sell it to the Carson estate and they didn't want it. Robin said they say it can only be sold to a private collector. Robin said they say it's wild stuff. Howard said he heard he has a big cock. He said that would explain why he was the way he was. Robin said this was shot in the 70s and it features one of his 4 wives. Robin said they have about a 20 minute sex scene in the movie. Robin said they say it's way too hot for TV according to TMZ. Howard said the whole story seems kind of weird to him. He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about George Zimmerman doing a book signing this weekend. Robin said that he was at a gun show doing the signing. Howard said you'd think the guy would want to stay away from something like that. Robin said he's apparently mired in debt so that might be why he's doing this stuff. Robin said only about 20 people over the course of 6 hours took the autograph. Howard said he bets Jackie could get more people. Howard said he'd be afraid to approach that guy for an autograph. He said he's talking about Jackie. Howard was just joking. He said he really wouldn't understand getting an autograph from Zimmerman.
Robin said Robin Thicke isn't handling his split from his wife very well. Robin said he was talking about the importance of forgiveness in relationships at some show he was doing over the weekend. Howard said he really must want her bad. Robin said that he has a 3 year old son with the woman and he said on stage you have to forgive others in your family. Howard played a parody of ''Blurred Lines'' about ''Divorce Court'' which was another song from Psych. Howard said Robin must be sick of that song.
Robin said that Liam Neeson is on the side of livery drivers in the city. Robin said he wants to keep the horse drawn carriages in New York City even though the mayor wants to do away with them. Robin had some audio of Neeson talking about how the horses are treated very well. Howard said he feels bad for them. He said he feels like out in the hot summer they're pulling on the carriage. Robin said they do have limits for how long they can be out in the hot weather. Howard said he has spoken to a guy who said they do look like they're pretty well treated. Howard said he just feels bad for them on those hot days. Robin said from what she understands is that they're treated well but the city streets may not be the best place for them. Robin said she had a horse there in the city and she had to walk it down the street past busses and cabs and cars. She said he did just fine out there.
Robin read a story about the Malaysian airline flight that disappeared. Howard said you know it's terrorism. Robin said there were 239 passengers and crew aboard. Robin said it was going to Bejing and now they're looking for it. Robin said there were two passengers that boarded with stolen passports. Robin said there were reportedly 4 Americans on the flight.
Robin read about a bill that's been proposed to bar e-cigarettes from being marketed to kids. Robin said it has nicotine in it and not tobacco. Howard said he's confused by the whole thing. Robin said they're adding flavors to the e-cigarettes like bubble gum and others that are marketed toward kids.
Robin read a story about the Ukraine and what's going on with that. Robin said there is a lot of debate going on about what we're doing or not doing. Robin said Dick Cheney was chiming in on that. Robin said he thinks we should show military force over there. Robin had some audio of Cheney talking about that. Robin had some other details about what's going on and some clips to go along with that.
Robin read a story about how Rand Paul is coming out as the front runner for the 2016 election. Robin had some audio of Rand making a speech.
Robin read a story about Safeway getting into trouble for charging people the wrong prices and things like that.
Robin read about a guy who has hit a bunch of the highest spots in the country. Robin said that he has gone across the country and hit all of the highest points in each state. Howard said he's going to flush the toilet in every state. He said that's his goal. He said that's no different than going to the highest point. Howard said he's not sure how this guy is getting attention for doing that. Howard said he's like that guy who left the show to ride his bicycle around the country. His name was Sally or something. Fred said it was Sussy.
Robin read a story about Eric Snowden making a speech in Texas this morning. Robin said they say that he will discuss the impact of the NSA spying and how you can protect yourself from it.
Robin read a story about providing women with free birth control. Robin said a study done shows that it does not make women promiscuous like some churches would have you believe.
Robin read about the tax situation with legal marijuana sales and how they're going to reveal how that's going today. Robin said they'll have to see how that's going.
Robin said that Lindsay Lohan has a new reality show and it started last night. Robin said in one scene Lindsay and her mother Dina find some old memories while going through some stuff together. Robin had an audio clip of that scene and a couple of others. Robin said she read that Lindsay has signed a book deal as well.
Robin wrapped up after that story and Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon went over some of the other things that happened on the show today and said he wanted to talk about JD getting the offer to direct ''It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.'' Jon said he knows that JD is worried about a few things. Gary said he has been on the set of the show and Rob McElhenney is a big fan of the show. He said they're not looking for help from the show. He said that he just loves JD and wants to give him a shot. He said what he originally wanted was for JD to come out an direct an entire show. He said they're now going to teach him how to do this stuff.
Jason said he loves JD but he's tired of hearing this stuff. He said he hopes he takes advantage of this. He said that it's nice that they reached out to a middle aged man to help him get started. Jason said that JD is past his prime when it comes to this stuff. Gary said he's not past his prime. He said JD got there and he wanted to direct 12-14 years ago. Gary said that this might be his moment. Jason said it can be. Gary wondered if he doesn't do it now, will he ever do it? Jason said he might go out and do it but then what? Gary said you hope he can take it and maybe on the weekends he'll shoot a short film to get started. Jon said when the show ends some day he will have that under his belt. He said if he does a good job and meets the right people it could work out.
JD came in and Jon told him that Jason is kind of skeptical about the whole thing. Jason said he really doesn't care anymore. He said that's what he's saying. He said he knows that JD is just going to throw this opportunity away. He said he's not a 23 year old and he will never grow up if they keep treating him like that. He said it's just hand holding JD. He said he hopes that he does amazing with it but he's not going to get invested in whether or not a 33 year old can get his dream.
JD said that this is very nice and he hopes to take advantage of it in a positive way. Jon asked if he is excited. JD said he is but he's nervous too. He said he hasn't dealt with anything filming wise in a long time. He said the closest thing he has done to doing film work was shooting behind the scenes stuff with Artie. He said this is a professional thing with actors and other things. Gary said he'll be directing Emmy Award winning Danny DeVito. He said that can all work for him.
Gary asked if he thinks they're doing him a disservice by holding his hand sometimes. JD said he appreciates help when he needs it. He said he doesn't see it being treated like a kid. Jason said it's the way he's talked about on the show. He said JD is a man and he would get upset if he was being talked about like that.
Benjy said it sounds like Jason resents that he's treated that way. Jason said he thinks he's just sick of it. He said he feels angry for him. He said he gets a lot of great opportunities around there himself. He said Benjy got this offer to do the movie thing and he went and shot it and talked about it all on his own. He said he doesn't begrudge him on anything.
Benjy said that JD's reaction is honest and he thinks that he's handling it like he should. Gary said that he thinks maybe they are doing him a disservice. He said he would like JD to just be happy and have a girlfriend and a house.
Jason said he was watching the first episode of True Detective and Woody Harrelson had a line about how people should have a family by a certain age and he feels that way about JD at times. Jason said he's not sure this will put him on a career track.
JD said that he is worried that he might go out there and learn that this might not be for him. He said he would like to keep that dram alive. Gary said if he keeps dreaming it and never does it he's going to regret never trying it. JD said he has taken steps here and there to try to do it but it hasn't worked out. Benjy said it is tough to start a second career. JD said that the other thing is that what he does might be judged. He said he isn't sure he wants to start something that can be criticized so severely.
Gary said since the day JD got there they had the TV show. He said he could have worked with them on the weekends to work and make a project. He never took that opportunity. He said that Ed Burns made his first movie when he was a PA at Entertainment Tonight. He used the equipment on the weekends to do that. JD said there is a fear factor and he doesn't want to do anything until it's perfected in his mind. He said nothing has really flushed out like that.
Benjy asked JD if he wants to be anonymous while learning to craft his career. JD said that's kind of it. Gary said he'd never get that if he didn't work there though. JD said he knows.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had a lot of dreams of doing things. He said he should make the jump at some point and just do it and go for it. He said he thinks this would be a great opportunity. Jason said he thinks that he's talented, funny and good at his job. He said that he's just wondering when this discussion becomes silly. He said is it when he's 40 or 45 or dead. He said they've been having this discussion for 15 years now.
Jon said he should get out of the game now if he is afraid of being critiqued. He said that's what happens in the business. Jon said if he's not prepared for that then he shouldn't do it.
Benjy suggested that JD take a class or something before this all goes down. JD said he hates school work though. He said he doesn't want that. Gary said you have to work at a job though.
Jason suggested that they do their own ''It's Always Sunny'' short film. He said he could direct them all in that. Jason said they could make a short. Gary said he thinks that Lisa G could play Dee in the show. They went to break after that.
Benjy said Howard makes fun of the movie but he thinks that it's like Carrot Top. He said that he's very successful with what he does. Jon asked how it was on the set. Benjy said he had a lot of anxiety. He said he was worried about being made fun of for stuff. He said he wasn't sure what to do. He said he had just a couple of lines but he was jut trying to figure out just the way they wanted him to do it.
Gary said it seems like everyone is hopping on the band wagon with the movie. He said that the first one was like it was a celebrity's last shot. Now it seems like it's cool to do it.
Steve Brandano asked how his interaction was with that Damon guy from Shark Tank. Steve said he figured he was the kind of guy who wouldn't put up with any shit. Benjy said it was fine. He said he thinks that Lisa G knew him from her Hot 97 days.
The guys asked Benjy about the story he told about taking food from craft services when he didn't work for the TV show or movie they were providing for. Benjy said that Third Rock always had good food. He said they were the best. He said he'll bring Jon one day to try it out. Gary said that's probably the day they'll get caught.
Gary said that they were doing Private Parts and they were told to go to the front of the line to cut in front of everyone else. He said they refused but they were told this is just the way it works and had to be told that a few times before they did it. He said everyone understands that's just the way it works.
Jon and the guys asked JD how he's going to handle working with the other stars. He's going to have to give them direction. JD said he knows he has to do that and he learned how to do that at Full Sail. He said he knows he may have to give them some leeway to do it their own way at times. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon said that Howard said that Beth walked out on him when they started to argue. He said he wants to talk about the silent treatment and how to deal with that. Gary said he just wants to know what it is and hammer it out. He said being silent is like not dealing with you and that makes him nuts. He said he will beg for her to tell him something but then he'll just go up and read a book in bed or something. He said that he'd like to know how long he could give that to Howard before he'd know he was.
Jon asked JD if he gets it a lot. JD said he does. Gary asked if he gave that to Jared. JD said he may have but he doesn't remember. He said that was a long time ago.
Jon asked Benjy if he does the silent treatment thing. Benjy said not at home. He said he has done it but he and Elisa will argue things out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was inspired to call after Jason quoted True Detective. He said that he finds it so condescending to JD. He said that he is 35 himself and he doest have a family. He said that JD should just take this as an opportunity to get his feet wet in an industry that he may like. He told him to just have some fun with it. JD thanked him for that. Gary said he agrees with him on that but he thinks the fun part is going to be hard for JD to deal with. JD said he agrees. He said he doesn't want to screw anything up.
Benjy said that he has a whole week to do it and he should take full advantage of it. Gary asked if he would rather he not show up because he's going to be out there around the same time. He said he doesn't want to make him nervous. JD said he can do whatever he wants. Benjy said Gary is wondering if he is neutral or if he would rather not have him there. JD said he is hoping to be focused on what he's doing there.
Jon said that Howard was also asking him about how much TV he watches. Gary said he and Jon watch a lot of the same shows but Jon also watches a lot more than him. Jon said he doesn't think he does. Gary said that he will watch a couple of hours of shows tonight. He said that it's like 2 hours a day and on the weekends he may not watch that much TV at all. Jon said he may have Gary beat then. Gary said Mary asked him to start a movie at 9:40 one night and he asked if she was nuts.
Gary asked JD how much he watches a week. JD said that he watches a lot of TV. He said he likes to watch a lot on his own and he watches stuff like COPS that he can use for the show.
Benjy said he watches Girls and he missed last night. Gary said he watches that too. He said they may watch that tonight after True Detective.
Jon said that he's going to log what he watches this week so he can keep track and post it on the web site. Jon said it was time to end the show after that. They were done around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about how he was up late watching the finale of The Bachelor so he won't be the life of the party today. He said he had to stay up to see what happened. Howard said it was two hours long and then an hour of the ladies and Juan Pablo talking. Howard said he had to put his foot down and go to bed before the final hour. He said this guy Juan Pablo is a dick and a douche. He said he told this girl that he wasn't prepared to get engaged to her but he wanted to keep seeing her. Howard said the guy said he had strong feelings for her and gave her the final rose. He said he has a language problem and English isn't his first language. Howard said he lives with his mom and dad and his kid and maybe his ex-wife too. He said he was a lot more appealing when he was going on the dates that ABC paid for.
Howard said he texted Robin this morning and asked if she got it. Robin said she doesn't check it in the morning because she's busy with work. Howard said he checks it in the morning. He said he has kids and stuff. He said he would do that anyway because he goes to bed so early. Robin said she's not going to contact them until after the show so she's not going to check.
Howard said he spoke to Sylvester Stallone last night and he invited them to the Rocky Broadway play. Howard said he read some good stuff about it actually. Robin gave him an ''Oh gawd...'' Howard said he isn't available to go but he extended the invite to Robin. Robin asked when it is. Howard said it's Thursday night. Robin said she has plans already. Howard said he's hard to get a hold of. He said he was waiting on hold to get to him for like 10 minutes. He said he wasn't sure what to call the guy. He said he wasn't sure if it's Sylvester or Sly. He said the message he got said ''Sly.'' Howard said he was talking to Stallone and he could tell he wanted to get the fuck off the phone. He said he was trying to have a conversation but he just said he had to go.
Gary told Howard about some of the things they had to do and how hard it was not to say certain words when playing the game. Howard said before they said Gary's name people thought he was the guy from Captain Phillips with the bad teeth. Gary said that guy needs surgery on his teeth. Howard said ''people in glass houses...''
Howard said this game was actually difficult. He played a clip from Hollywood Game Night where Jane Lynch was hosting and starting a game with Gary. Howard said that chick is over exuberant. He said he's been invited to people's houses who act like that when they play games. He said they'd do that when he was living in Detroit. Howard said this woman is so peppy. He said she's hired to be the life of the party but you just want to say ''shut the fuck up.''
Howard asked if she was nice to Gary. Gary said everyone was nice. Howard said of course they were. Howard played more of the clip of Jane Lynch yelling at Gary to get up there and play. Gary got up and used a word he wasn't supposed to. Howard said Gary looked dazed and confused. Gary said he still doesn't know what word he used. Robin said it was ''you.'' Howard said the full episode is up on HowardStern.com
Howard said Gary got the next one. He played that clip and Gary was asked to give a line of iconic dialog without saying the actual line. He said ''Speaking with this person'' which translated to ''You talking to me?''
Howard asked if he had any idiots there. Gary said he was on with Tiffani Thiessen, Anthony Anderson and a bunch of other celebrities. Gary said they were all great. Howard said Gary is good at these games. Gary said they were playing one game that they still don't understand. He told Howard what it was and how hard it was to play. He said they take faces of people and put them on other bodies and you have to guess what name it would be. Howard said that sounds so confusing.
Howard asked if anyone said ''Gary!'' like the Richard Simmons clip. Howard played a couple of song parodies with those clips in them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Gary was doing everything he's known for doing. He said he was coughing into his hand. Howard said that coughing is out of control. He said he does that every morning. He said today wasn't bad but most days it is. Howard said he sips hot water to get rid of the cough. He said he sips it and then makes this sound to get rid of the cough. Howard said he feels bad for him actually. He said he doesn't say anything to him anymore. He said it goes on constantly.
The caller said there were other things he was doing and they have pictures up on Twitter. Gary said there's a whole thing going on with Twitter where they show pictures of him looking stupid.
Howard said Benjy is loving his role in Sharknado. Howard said he's gone Hollywood. He said his head is almost the size of that belly. He said yesterday he was walking around speaking in a British accent. Howard said he's a completely different guy now. Howard said he was barking out orders to him and he said he'd have his people call his people. Howard said he is his people though.
Howard said Benjy wants more acting. He said he loves that Sharknado. Howard said he could get the lead in a movie called 12 Years a Slob if they ever make that. Howard asked Benjy what he got paid for that movie. Benjy said he still doesn't know. He was wearing sunglasses today. Howard asked Fred if he even talks to him anymore. Fred said he doesn't. He said he's fallen off the radar.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel said that he would take over for Letterman if he asked him to. Howard said he likes that. He said he's not sure what the relationship is between Jimmy and ABC. He said he loves the late night wars. He said he'd like to see a real war and have a tank involved. He said Jimmy Kimmel could get a tank and Jimmy Fallon could have a nuke.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was calling about The Bachelor. He asked if he watched. Howard said of course. The caller said he watched it because Howard does. Howard told him not to blame him for that. The caller said that the chicks are hot. Howard agreed.
The caller said the bachelor kept using the term ''I have to be honest'' over and over. Howard said he knows there are things that he says that annoy people too.
Howard said Juan Pablo had a couple of girls in a helicopter and he was about 3 days from asking a girl to marry him and he says to them that he loves fucking this girl. Howard said she freaks out. He said Juan Pablo doesn't know her but he loves fucking her. Robin said that's pretty funny.
Howard read some email and he had some about Billy Joel's big announcement yesterday. Howard said the fans were happy about what he's doing for Bianca's Furry Friends.
Howard said people are commenting on his hobbies. He said he had some feedback on his singing and guitar playing. He read a couple of those emails where people were talking about how good he was. Howard said one guy wondered if he's bipolar. Howard said he has no idea about that.
Howard said someone asked him who was singing ''Thank You'' yesterday. Fred said that's Chris Cornell. Howard had Fred play some of that for them. Fred played the performance which was Chris live in the studio covering the Led Zeppelin song. Howard said he has to learn to play that song. He said he could sing to Beth and she could throw up.
Howard said they should learn that for their new band. He said they'll be called The Douche Bags. Howard said it sounds like Chris is an open tuning. Fred knew what chords he was playing. He was calling them out to Howard. Howard said he can do that. Fred kept going and told Howard what he was playing. Howard said he wasn't in an open tuning then. Howard said it's going to take him a month to learn this one. Howard said he goes on YouTube to watch these guys playing. He said it's Robin's fantasy to play to her. Robin laughed.
Howard said they recorded a song once for the Backstreet Boys and when he gets to a tough part he just lets Fred sing it. Fred said that works.
Howard read some email from a guy who said that he should try Garage Band. Howard said he actually just got that little Zoom board they were talking about. Fred said that's great.
Howard said someone wrote in about Richard Christy having labia on his booty crack. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about.
Howard said a lot of people hate King of All Blacks but there are some who like him. Howard said there was some feedback about the guy who kisses his 6 year old son on the lips. Howard said that's a really weird thing. Howard said people found it odd that he says that he's his best friend. Howard said some people suggested that he get a best friend that's his same age. Howard said someone wrote in about how his family has always kissed on the lips and they don't think anything of it.
Howard said people wrote in about Jon Hein watching a lot of TV. They were talking about how Jon might be African because he watches so much. Howard said there was an article in the paper about how African American's watch more TV than whites do. Howard said he made the joke about Jon Hein watching so much that he must be African. Then Fred played the clip from The Lion King. Howard said Jon Hein's family had to buy TV time to get a message to him.
Howard said Jon watched 32 hours of TV in one day. Robin said that's impossible. Howard said Jon figured out a way to do it. Howard said they asked Jon when his daughter was born and he had to remember what he was watching on TV to figure it out. Howard mentioned that Jon's wife is a good looking woman. He said she's very fit and very good looking. Howard said Jon's wedding photos look like a kidnapping.
Howard took a call from a woman who said the night that Billy Joel is doing that show is his birthday. Howard said he knows. He said Billy called them up and asked them to come over. Howard said Beth was crying from being so excited. The caller said she saw him recently and he was amazing. She said it was spectacular. Howard said he doesn't think he even took piano lessons. Robin said he did but the teacher didn't like that he was just winging it.
Howard said Billy rides motorcycles and he had an accident a few years ago. Howard said he screwed up his thumbs in that and he can still play. Howard said they were wondering what was up when he called them. He said Billy had his tour manager guy with them and he figured out how to do this whole thing. Howard said he was very humble about the whole thing. Howard said they were in shock when he said he was donating the proceeds from the night to Bianca's Furry Friends. Howard said he's going to the show on May 9th and he'll introduce Billy. He said he has no idea what to even say up there. He said he has to figure out what to do for a speech.
Howard asked Eric what his top 5 projects are that he wants Johnny to work on. Eric said he would like to get into the Entourage movie. Johnny said that's an easy one. Howard said Johnny can break their fucking legs if they don't get him in. Howard asked what Johnny should do to get him in that. Eric said he doesn't know. Eric said Johnny knows one of the original writers. Johnny asked if he would do a gay part in that. Eric said no. Howard said there is a gay part in the movie for a guy in a wheelchair.
Howard asked what number 2 is. Eric said he would like to be on Hollywood Game Night. Howard said they might be able to make that happen. Eric said he wouldn't be doing the same thing that Gary did. Howard said Eric couldn't do what Gary did. Eric said they weren't that hard and he's been working on playing. Howard said he's sure he can't do it. He told Gary to write some stuff for Eric.
Eric said he has a couple of shows he'd like to be on. He said he'd like to be on ''About a Boy.'' He said they film in San Francisco and that's close for him to go. Eric said he'd also like to be on Growing Up Fisher. Johnny asked what the fuck that is. Gary said he likes how Eric thinks that jobs are good for him because they're close to him. Howard said that's what Michael Caine does. Howard played a clip of Michael Caine talking about how he acts. He was telling someone how you don't blink and just pick one eye to look at.
Howard told Eric to listen to those suggestions. Eric was saying that he also wants to do Growing Up Fisher and why he wants to do that. He said that he could do a scene with a companion dog. Howard said he could play the companion dog.
Howard asked Johnny if he is writing these things down. Johnny said absolutely. He said he'll burn his phone up by this morning. Howard asked what he's going to tell the people at that Fisher show. Johnny said he'll ask if they need a handicapped guy to walk a dog.
Johnny said he's surprised that Howard hasn't had more kids. He said he's proud of him. Howard said this is all about Eric. He asked Eric what number 4 is on his list. Eric said that he would like to get on some shows on CBS and ABC. He said he would also like to do voice overs for cartoons. Johnny asked if he would do a gay voice on a cartoon. Eric said no. Eric said the reason he wants to do ABC is because he's done NBC and FOX. He said he'd like to be on CBS and ABC. He said he'd like to be on Two Broke Girls. Eric said he would like to do that animated voice thing too.
Howard said Johnny has his work cut out for him. He ran down the list of things that he had from Eric. Johnny said he isn't doing any gay stuff. Howard said Johnny had better come through. Johnny said if he gets one of them then he's good. Howard told him to start with one. He let the two of them go after that. Howard said that's Johnny's work load for the year.
Robin said Eric came right up with 5 things and spit them out. She said she didn't expect him to be able to come up with them. Robin said she thinks he's doing too much. Howard said he's actually not doing anything but dreaming up ideas. Howard did his Eric the Actor voice and had him saying he wanted to rule Saturn. He went to break after that.
Howard said that he finds a lot of men keep a straight mouth when they have a moustache. He said he had a moustache and it was really bad. He said he needed Dr. Bauman. He said he should have had a better moustache. He said this was back in the 70s and 80s. Howard said he looked like shit. Howard said hair like that is useless. He said the hair on your head is key but the rest is not.
Dr. Bauman said that Howard's hair has been amazingly full and thick. He asked how he does it. Howard said his grandfather had hair like that. He said he had jet black hair until he was in his 80s. He said he thinks he just got lucky. Dr. Bauman said his dad had some hair loss though. Howard said his dad is bald but he heard it's your mother's father that you get it from. Dr. Bauman said it can come from either side. Howard said it's great because he has such a fucked up face.
Dr. Bauman said that there is some debate about how he keeps his hair the way it is. He said people think it might not be real. Howard said people think he wears a wig. Dr. Bauman said that he has a hair stylist that's with him all the time. Howard said she comes to America's Got Talent and things like that. She's not with him all the time.
Howard said he sees guys who have hair transplants but they have dents in their head after getting them. Dr. Bauman said that hair plugs are something that isn't done anymore. He said they do one hair at a time now. He said that the hair will grow forever once it's transplanted. Howard asked if it ever falls out of your face. Dr. Bauman said they will grow forever. He said they turn on and off but they will grow forever. Howard asked how they get it out. Dr. Bauman said they pluck it out of the hair follicle. He said they have a special instrument they use for that. He said they work around the pubic area. Dr. Bauman said that most people have hair on the back of their scalp to do this.
Howard asked if he has ever used the hair off someone's balls to transplant. Dr. Bauman said they have not but maybe now that they've talked about it they will get that request. Howard said he imagines them taking the hair out of someone's asshole.
Howard asked how many people are getting beard transplants. Dr. Bauman said they see them maybe twice a month. He said some people want sideburns or a goatee. Howard said there's such vanity out there. He said he can't believe that. Dr. Bauman said sometimes people have plastic surgery and they need hair to grow in spots that were operated on.
Howard asked how long this take. Dr. Bauman said that it can take 4-5 hours. Howard said JD has a super patchy beard. He said he could use something like this. Howard asked if women who become men come in for this. Dr. Bauman said that he hasn't had that request but he has had it the other way around. He said that some men who become women want a fuller head of hair.
Howard said that you can find out more about Dr. Bauman at BaumanMedical.com. He wrapped up with Dr. Bauman and let him go after that.
Howard played a clip of a news reporter talking about Chelsea bashing the network she works for and how she may be talking herself out of a job.
Howard said he thinks it's refreshing to have someone on the show bashing the place where she works. Howard said Gary said he got a lot of calls from executives asking for audio from the show. Gary said everyone at NBC wanted to hear the interview. Howard said they must have had a discussion about that appearance. He said that he's always taken aback when someone does something like that and the fans don't like it.
Howard said JD was on the Wrap Up Show and it was pretty wild. Howard said JD's command of the language is compelling. He said they were talking to JD about the guest directing of ''It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'' and it's a great shot for him. Howard said that the creator of the show wants to help JD out and he's offering to help him learn to direct. Howard said he doesn't want to stress the hell out of JD. Howard said Rob McElhenney wrote and said that JD sounded nervous but he just wants to help him out. He said if it's nerves then he can help. He said if it's apathy then he can't. Howard said Gary went to JD and asked what he wanted to do. He said Rob is going to help JD out with the whole process. He said he was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday and JD was worrying about what might happen if he does do it and it doesn't work.
Howard said that he was listening to that in his car yesterday and he was wondering what the fuck he was talking about. Robin said she thinks that JD is so afraid of failure that he doesn't even want to try. Howard played more of the clip and the guys were telling JD about how he has to direct people and he's going to have to give them advice on what to do. JD said he knows not to give the actors a line reading. He said he'll just see what happens.
Howard said they get JD on the Wrap Up Show and they get him talking. He said he really enjoys that Wrap Up Show. He said he can't wait for JD to do that directing job. He said he wants to see him direct Danny DeVito. He did his impression of JD directing and mumbling his words.
Howard said that there's something going on with his computer screen. He said there's a number missing so he doesn't know what line to pick up. Howard said he can't see what he needs to see. Howard said he just wants to know what number to pick up. Gary said he's not sure which one he's talking about. Steve Brandano told him they can only put up so many. Howard told him he's looking at 12 and he wants to know what the one after that is. Gary said he's trying to figure it out but it's not that simple. Howard said it's that easy.
Howard asked to talk to Steve. Howard told him to get him on that stupid speaker of his. Steve came in and Howard asked what comes after 12. Steve said that's the prioritized numbers. Howard said he's going to make him the executive producer if he can answer this. Howard told Steve to go out and randomly hang up on someone and he'll see.
Howard asked who wrote ''It's line 9.'' Will Murray said it was him. Gary said it wasn't an easy issue to figure out. Howard said Will is now the executive producer of the show. Howard asked him how he figured it out. Will came in and said he hasn't figured it out.
Howard took the call from the guy who was on that line. The guy kept saying hello so Howard was going to hang up on him. The caller asked how he was doing. Howard said not well. He said that Will is going to be moving into Gary's house now.
The caller asked Howard if he had a gay son would he ask him or just let him come out. Howard asked ''who cares...'' He said he has no idea what he would do. The caller said he has a son that he thinks is gay. Howard told him to leave him alone. Robin told him to just tell him he'll love him regardless of what he is. Howard asked if he watches The Bachelor. The caller said he was watching that last night. Howard said maybe he's gay. Howard said maybe his son is straight and he's gay. Howard said he had to hang up on that guy because he can barely hear him.
Howard said he noticed that there was an update to his iPhone 5. He said they had some changes to the calendar and things like that. Howard asked Robin if she updated. Robin said she doesn't know. Howard said the calendar is easier and the keyboard is darker and better looking. Howard said they have to fix the thumbprint thing. He said that he had it working for 2 days and now it's not working right again. He said his phone is a piece of shit if it's just the phone. Robin said she has the fingerprint thing and she uses it all the time. She said it works fine for her. Howard said he wouldn't bother getting it if he were Fred.
Howard said this guy Oscar Pistorius was in court testifying and he was vomiting during his testimony. Howard said Jeff the Vomit guy called Gary saying that he was getting turned on by the vomiting. Howard said he's so gross but so fascinating. Howard played the voice mail that Jeff left for Gary. Jeff was saying that he was thinking he could get him on jury duty and he could witness someone in court vomiting. He said he would be much obliged to have that. He said he would prefer a woman but he'll take a guy too. Howard said he's usually all about women doing it. He said this was weirder than most of his requests. Howard said he
Howard took a call from a guy who said he and a bunch of his friends had sex with this girl who had big labia. He said it wasn't that bad. He said he went down on her and it wasn't too bad. The guy said that he went last and he went down on her. Howard said that's gross. He said the four guys went ahead of him and went down on her? The caller said this was when he was in college. Howard said that's a fascinating story. He sounded grossed out by the whole thing. Howard said that doing a gang bang and then going down on her is gross. He said he'd rather just jerk off. Howard said if you just beat off you don't have to do anything crazy. Howard said he has no desire to be in a room with other guys having sex. He said he just wants to be with one woman. Howard said he just beat off when he needed to do something. He said you finish and then come out of that boner coma you're in.
Howard took a call from a guy who wasn't quite there. Howard hung up on him after having him making noise on the line for a short time.
Howard said some of the phone connections are so bad they sound like they're not even talking to you. He took another call and a guy suggested that he search for Billy Joel outtakes on YouTube. He said there are some really cool clips out there. He said you can search for Billy Joel Demos and there are some really cool things to listen to. Howard said YouTube is so great. He said he hates them too. He said he hates them because the radio show is for subscribers. He said people take it illegally and they post it on there. He said people steal movies and music and it's ruined the music industry. Howard said that some fucking kid steals a movie and sticks it on the internet. He said he would never do anything like that. He said when he was broke he never stole anything. He said he finds stealing repulsive. Howard said that aspect of YouTube is what he doesn't like. Howard said that if you go to YouTube and complain they say they have no responsibility. He said that's what he hates. He said it isn't right to steal.
Howard said what he loves about YouTube is that a kid will post a guitar lesson or something. Howard said you can go on and watch the video and learn how to play a song. Howard said he got into some of this crafting and art journaling. Howard said Ralph turned him onto a guy who is amazing. He said he sells products on YouTube. He said you can learn just about anything on there. Fred said you do have to search through them to find the right stuff. Fred said he's grateful for the people who do that though.
Howard said he's into paints and stains abut he's not sure how to use them. He said there are guys who teach you how to do it and they might sell something so he'll buy from them. He said that's why YouTube is great.
Howard said that Sbarro has filed for bankruptcy. Howard said that there is so much crappy food out there now. He said that they blame it on the foot traffic in malls not being that high anymore. Howard said maybe it's just shitty food. Howard said there's probably enough feet there to stay in business. Howard said Sal used to go into Sbarro and get napkins to jerk off into in the booths. Howard asked Sal if he ever ate that food there. Sal came in and said it's not the foot traffic. He said their pizza is like cardboard with ketchup on it. He said that the food isn't that good.
Howard said that pizza is easy to make good. Sal said it really is easy. He said he's not sure how they make that sauce taste so bad.
Howard asked Sal what he would go to Sbarro for. Sal said that he'd get napkins to jerk off into in the booths. He said that the booths have cum all over them. He said you get it all over your shoes when you're in there. Sal said he hasn't gone there in a long time. He said he used to use one napkin for the buzzer changer. He said he'd use others to touch things in there. He said one time he went into Sbarro and they said he had to buy something. He said he once used his shirt to wipe his cock off with in the booth. Robin said that sounds like a nightmare.
Sal said there used to be booths where they had live women. He said you communicate with them over a phone. He said he picked up a phone and it had jizz on it. He said he never touched that phone ever again. He said that he got jizz on his ear and he freaked out and never touched anything in the booths again.
Sal told Howard about how there were circular rooms where the guys would be surrounding the women. He said that there would be a fat chick there and they'd let the guys rim them. He said it was wild stuff. Sal said he never did that. He said he only touched himself. Howard said Sal and Richard tried to interview a guy who cleaned up the booths and he hated Howard Stern.
Howard said Jason Bateman is in the next room. He said he has to take a break first. Howard said he's sure Jason goes to those booths regularly. Howard said Jason is a Germaphobe so he would never do that. Howard said Jason is like him washing his hands constantly. Howard said he has an idea of why he does that and he will talk to him about that. Howard said he's in therapy all the time and he goes on and on talking to his shrink. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Jason Bateman has a new movie called ''Bad Words'' coming out. Howard said he has a lot going on. He said Jason directed this movie. He said that seems like a pain in the ass.
Howard said Jason has a worse problem than he does with shaking hands and things. Jason said he's probably worse than Howard is. Howard said he spent a few hours with Jason and Jason had to wash his hands while he didn't. Jason said he likes to order food at the restaurant and then he goes to the bathroom and boils his hands so he's ready for the bread. He said he likes to pick the middle out of the bread and then eat the crust. He said he doesn't like doing that after touching the handles of cars and the doors at the restaurant.
Jason said in the movie The Aviator the guy has a move that he's using. He said you get soapy with your hands and you take your nails and you scrape the inside of each hand to get the soap under the nails. Howard said he has the same situation. Robin said Howard doesn't boil his hands at the restaurant. Howard said he figures there's more disgusting stuff in the bathroom than there is at the table. Howard said he has Purell that he brings with him. He said he and Beth call it Jizzum.
Jason said he turns off the faucet with his paper towel. He said he doesn't touch a thing until the bread comes. He said that it's all very subtle but Howard picked up on it. Howard said he outed Howie Mandel over that stuff. He said Howie thought everyone would think he was nuts. Howard said he saw Howie in there and he thought no one would pick up on it but he did.
Howard asked if he heard Sal talking about getting cum on his ear. Jason missed that part. Howard told him what Sal had told them earlier about picking up the phone and getting cum on his ear. Howard said guys are disgusting. Howard said Jason would have gone into a frantic rage if he had gotten cum on his ear.
Howard said it seems like more people are talking about this germ phobia. Howard said there are people who are worse than they are. Howard said this is a sickness. Jason said that they're just clean people. Jason said there are poles in the subway that everyone is touching. He said that he gets a film on his head in an airplane. He said that gets on his pillow and then on his face and lips. He said he has to get himself into a bubble.
Howard asked Jason about being on this promotional tour. He said he saw him on the Today show with Beth. Jason said she's such a sweet woman. He said she's like a saint with those animals. Howard said she does love those animals and she is an angel. Howard said Jason's wife is great too. Jason said she does all the talking for the two of them.
Howard said Jason's wife is Paul Anka's daughter. Howard said Paul was one of the top guests of all time. Howard said he came in there and laid it all out for them. Howard asked if Jason hangs with him. Jason said he does. He said that he doesn't get the stories from him that Howard did. Howard said Paul is a legendary cocksman. Howard said she's a very down to earth and grounded person. Jason said that she has a very incredible mother. Howard asked how long they were married. Jason said he thinks it was around 30 years. Robin said they did have a long marriage. Jason said Paul was a good boy for a long time. He said he needed to let his freak flag fly though. Howard said he certainly did.
Howard asked Jason if his wife can trust him. Howard said she must look at him and think he's going to leave her at some point. Jason said he pays the Paul Anka bill every day. He said that it's not about infidelity. He said he wants to concentrate on work and not just phone it in. He said his wife is always trying to get his attention. He said he can listen to her while he's doing other things but she wants him to look at her. He said Paul had 5 daughters running around so she wants him to pay attention to her.
Howard said Jason loves work. Jason said it's his addiction. Howard said Jason did a movie with Jennifer Aniston and she was grinding into him. Howard asked if his wife was afraid he was going to run off with her. Jason said no. Howard said that he did say that she was his perfect woman though. Jason said that he may have said that was marriage destroying material. He said if he was married to a terrible woman and he needed to destroy that then he'd want the Aniston bomb to go off. He said he may have dug his hole a little deeper there. Howard said Jason has to be real careful. Jason said he doesn't think about that stuff really.
Howard said Jon Favreau said that Jason is the best auditioner in the business. Howard said that some people who are great actors choke in the audition. Howard said Jason apparently doesn't do that. Howard asked if he's ever heard this. Jason said he never has. He said he tries not to implode at the auditions and he understands the stakes. He said that it's like the Olympics. You just get one go.
Howard asked when his big break was. Jason said he was on Little House on the Prairie. He said he got Silver Spoons and other shows after that. Howard asked how old he was on the Hogan Family. Jason said he was on there from 15 to 21. Howard asked if he's in touch with Valerie Harper. Jason said he's not in touch with her. He said that she left the show and they had Sandy come on the show. He said they changed the name of the show 4 times in 5 years. Howard asked if he feels for Valerie now that she has cancer. Jason said he does but he doesn't keep in touch with people. He said you work with people and get close and then you just separate. Howard said he gets that. He said he loved everyone on Private Parts. He said he loves Betty Thomas and they just don't stay in touch.
Howard asked about what happened after the Hogan Family. Jason said he turned his house into a frat house. He said it was great. Jason said he would take any woman who would have him. He said he was going until it was time to turn on the lights at the bar. Howard said he was off TV and he had no parents to tell him what to do. Jason said he just wanted to do this and it was so fun. He said he would sleep until about noon and then go play golf for like 5 hours. Then he'd drink for a while and then drive home. He said then he'd go drink and stay out all night. He said that's just what they do.
Howard said Jason is a workaholic now. Jason said his three goals in life were to be a husband a father and to direct a movie. He said that he was out of work for about 10 years. Howard asked if he did it all when he was out doing his thing. Jason said he scratched a lot of itches. He said that he was listening to Howard back then and he gave him inspiration.
Howard asked Jason if he banged a lot of Hollywood chicks. Jason said he was with all kinds of women. He said he'd be with a waitress. Howard asked if he'd fuck without a rubber. Jason said he would not. He said he hopes his wife is still sleeping. He said this was terrible. Jason said that he would not go all the way with a lot of them. He said that he'd feel obligated to make the follow up call the next day. Howard said he's saying that he got blow jobs. Howard said a man knows. Jason said if it did get to home base then it was the woman giving him the round the base sign. He said he wouldn't press things. Howard asked how he pleased the women. Jason asked if they could bringing that picture of the labia again.
Howard asked Jason if he channels his anger toward his parents into all of this. Jason said he got a lot of confidence out of what happened to him as a kid. He said he is a parent of two now and he has no complaints about the way he was brought up. He said it wasn't the ideal domestic situation though. Howard said he may not even realize what he's doing. Howard said he's using them and they're using him. Jason said that sounds like his closing line. He said that watch used to drive him crazy was when they'd get ready to turn the lights on at the bar and a woman would give him her phone number and tell him to call her the next day. He said that he'd wonder why not that night. He said he wanted to do it then and not the next night. He said it was fun then and they should keep it going. Howard said that's what he imagines Dracula saying to a woman.
Howard said Jason is there to promote the movie ''Bad Words'' and the movie looks really funny in the trailers. Jason said he has a guy cutting those trailers and they are great.
Howard asked about getting Arrested Development and if he had to audition for that. Jason said he did. He said it was the opposite kind of show from what he was used to doing. Jason said he was set to audition for another show the next day and the producer of that show had another show that he was going to audition for the next day. He said he asked him not to audition for that other show after the Arrested Development show. He said he was freaking out because he needed a job bad. He said he had spent a lot of his money on a lot of fun over the years. He said that he figured he could regenerate what he had spent though so he kept spending.
Howard said he didn't realize that Arrested Development was still on Netflix. Jason said they did some episodes that were supposed to set up a movie. He said there is still a second and third act to go. He said he's not sure if they'll do more episodes or a movie or what. He said no one has told him anything.
Howard said this Bad Words movie is funny looking. He said it sounds like it's good because he's an adult that enters kid's spelling bees. Jason said that Andrew Dodge wrote it and he's really talented. He said the script was on this Blacklist of things that people wanted to make. He said the movie is rated R and that's what attracted him to it. He said he wasn't going to play the guy at first. He said he went after two guys and they told him to go fuck himself. Howard asked who they were. Jason said he can't say. He said they're on the radio now.
Howard asked who the dream guys were to be in that role. Jason said there are guys who play a straight brand of humor that make him so happy. He said in no particular order there are people like Steve Carell, Ben Stiller, Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell. He said they know how to play that kind of part. Howard said lets say that it was Will. Howard said that he calls kids names in the movie and some of the stuff is racial. He asked if he's heard from groups already. Jason said there is one group that popped up already. He said the guy he's playing is like an Archie Bunker kind of thing. He said it was in a way that showed ignorance and not hatred. Howard asked if he's still allowed in India and if he can still call customer service lines. Jason said he thinks he'll be fine. He said there was no weirdness on set or anything like that during those lines.
Howard said that there's one scene where this kid turns around to Jason and Jason tells the kid to fuck off. Jason said that he threatens to tell the captain that his bag is ticking. He said the kid smiles in that scene though. He said his parents were there and they thought it was funny.
Howard asked Jason how he has a family and then on top of that he's doing Arrested Development. Jason said they're done with that. He said he feels so grateful that he's working right now. He said he loves the business. He said he loves his kids too. He said he drives his kid to school every morning.
Howard asked Jason if he was the one who figured out to get Melissa McCarthy to do ''Identity Thief.'' He said it was supposed to be two guys in the movie. Jason said he did have it written for him and another guy. He said that other guy went off to work on another movie and he went to the premier of Bridesmaids and he thought that Melissa was so great that he wanted to get her in this movie. Howard said it did really well. He said it made like $173 million. Jason said they were very fortunate. Howard said it's no wonder Jason bought dinner the other night. Howard asked if he made a ton of money off of that. Jason said of course. Jason said he's trying to just stay employed every day. Howard said there must be someone in Hollywood coming to him and saying that they need him. Jason said there are only 3 people in Hollywood that don't have to worry about work. He said it's people like Robert Downey Jr., Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt and people like that.
Howard said Ivan Reitman told him if you make a $100 million film then you get great scripts. He said if you get 50 million then you get lower scripts. Jason said that it's very hard to get a movie made even after that.
Howard said Rex Reed was calling Melissa obese and things like that after the movie came out. Howard asked if he was upset about that. Jason said he didn't go to the media and say anything but he was upset. Howard asked if he stays in touch with Melissa. Jason said they do but not every day. He said their kids hang out and things like that.
Howard asked Jason if he can make a movie for under 10 million. Jason said he can. Howard said that's why Will Ferrell turns him down. Jason laughed. Howard said that he is on fire with everything right now.
Jason said that this movie is only coming out in 5 theaters. He said that a lot of movies are like that. It's called a slow roll out. Jason said there are a lot of movies that are hard to market to the mass market. He said that they hit certain theaters in Los Angeles and New York. Howard asked if he knows which ones they are. Jason knew one out in L.A.
Howard asked how much money of his own did he put into this. Jason said that he didn't have to put any but he was ready to. Howard asked which film company bought the rights to it. Jason said it was Focus. He said they have the rights to release it worldwide. He said they get basically 50 cents on every dollar spent at the box office.
Howard said he heard there were riots over in India over this. Jason said he hopes so because they have a big demo over there. Jason said they are rolling the movie out slowly and they'll get up to a lot of theaters if it does well. He said the word of mouth and the buzz is what the studios are looking for. Howard said he'd be doing great if the movie did $100 million.
Jason said he's doing a movie with Nicole Kidman in May. He said they play brother and sister and they go looking to see what happened to their parents. Jason said he's going to be directing that one. Jason said that it's going to be about 2 months of pre-production and then a few months of shooting. Howard said that would be too much for him. Jason said Howard would love it.
Howard asked Jason if he wants to be like Woody Allen and marry one of the kids that lives in his house. Jason said he would love to be like Woody Allen. He said he admires a lot of directors. He mentioned a bunch and told Howard he likes what George Clooney and guys like that are doing with directing and acting.
Howard said Jason is all over the place promoting. He said he's out there pushing. Howard asked what he would be happy with as far as the gross. Jason said he's not sure what 4 theaters can do. He said he hopes people dig it and tell their friends to go see it.
Howard said in the movie there's a scene where Jason puts a ketchup packet on a girls' chair and makes her thinks she's having her period. Jason said that he does that and his character thinks that she's going to be happy that she's finally having her period. He said that he does sabotage a lot of the kids in the movie. He said there is another scene where he has panties in his pocket and he gives them to a kid and asks him to return them to his mom which throws the kid off.
Howard said Jason had a back end deal on the movie ''Juno.'' Howard said he had to see a huge payday from that. Howard asked what percentage he had on that. Jason said he made a lot more on the back than he did on the front. He said that's the way they do movies these days though.
Howard said Jason has a very dark mind. He said he heard that he wanted his own sister to play his girlfriend in the show. Jason said that's a very Arrested Development type of thing to do. He said they turned that into her playing a prostitute. Howard asked if he could have made out with her if he had to. Jason said he thinks that he could. Howard said he wouldn't want to kiss his own sister. Robin said they're just acting though. Jason said he would make sure that Jeff the Vomit guy was there.
Howard asked if he could really make out with his own sister. Jason said he thinks he could. Howard asked how far he could go with her. He asked if he could feel her titties. Jason said he thinks he could. Howard said he could never do that to his sister. Howard asked if he has ever made out with his sister. Jason said no. Howard said he's completely shocked by that. Howard said he's a real actor. Howard asked if he could finger his own mother in a movie. Jason cracked up laughing. Jason said he is doing a scene in Bad Words with Katherine Hahn and they have to be banging away. He said they were fully clothed but under the sheets. He said that it was very uncomfortable for him. He said he didn't want to be pounding away. Howard cut him off and asked if he just changed the subject. Jason said he was about a minute into the new subject. Howard said he can't get off of that whole thing with his sister. Howard said you'd think he'd et some other chick to play his lover.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a big fan of Jason's. He said he used to hate Jennifer Aniston but he liked her in that movie he did with her. Howard said he has never seen Horrible Bosses. Howard said Gary told him he should see it. Jason said they just finished the sequel and that's coming in around Thanksgiving. Howard asked when he has time to do all of this. Jason said he's just working.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he almost forgot what he was going to ask after that mother and sister talk. The guy said he should put that on Kickstarter and he'll pay for it. Howard asked Jason what he thinks about that Kickstarter thing. Jason said it's very hard to get a movie made so he's all for it. Howard said Jason would never do that. Jason said he would.
The caller said he's a big fan. He said he wanted to know if he saw any bush or lips in the movie ''We Are the Millers.'' Jason said that he has him confused with another Jason. He wasn't in that movie. He was in a movie with Jennifer but he didn't have a love scene with her.
Howard asked if Jason has anything else going on today. Jason said he's doing Letterman later today. Howard asked what he feels about the late night wars. Jason said he likes all of them. He said he thinks that Letterman is a god. He said when he was growing up he wanted to be on Letterman and he didn't get on until he was older. He said he was thrilled to get on the show. He said that he tried to get on Howard's show too.
Howard asked Jason about doing Letterman and having that pre-interview thing. Jason said it's tough for them to do an interview in a short segment so they have to do that. Howard said he would just let Jason come on and talk about whatever he wanted to. Howard said that's like what they're doing there now. Howard said if Jason fingers his mother and makes out with his sister Letterman will always make him the first guest. Howard said those would be good stories. Jason said he hopes his sister is sleeping and isn't hearing any of this.
Howard said he has said a lot of screwy things today. Howard said Jason is the director and star of ''Bad Words.'' He said it's a great comedy to see but try to find those 5 theaters it's in. Howard said they're making it as hard as possible to find. Howard asked why make it easy to find it. Howard said people are going to want to find one of these theaters. Jason said the movie will be in theaters everywhere by the 28th. Howard said he would love to sit there all day but he has a life. Howard wrapped up and gave Jason some plugs for the movie. He said that Woody Allen just called and said that Jason is a pervert. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from Jim in Raleigh who said Jason was a great interview. He asked if Howard would watch a sex tape that his sister was in. Howard said no way. He said he saw his sister naked once when he was a kid. He said he freaked out and you just don't want to go there.
Robin asked if he would watch a sex tape of her. Howard said he would have to see that. Howard said just because people would want his comment on that. Howard asked if there is one. Robin said there is not.
Howard took another call from a guy, Balls, who said that he's a super fan and he inspires them on a daily basis. He said that he and his wife share that and they're back together thanks to Howard. He said they always shared the show and they're back together now. Howard asked if he cheated. The guy said he didn't want to get into that. The caller asked if he would make out with his sister in a movie. Howard said no way to that. He said he doesn't want to do that or finger his mother.
Howard said that President Obama did a Zach Galifianakis show on the internet. Howard said JD brought this to him. He said that the President did it to get young people to sign up for Obamacare. Howard said it's pretty funny actually. Howard played the clip and Zach was asking Obama a bunch of goofy questions like asking if Dennis Rodman was their ambassador to North Ikea and what it's like to be the last Black President. Howard had a couple of clips of Zach talking to Obama about HealthCare.gov and things like that. Zach asked him why he got the guy who created the Zune to do his web site. President Obama said that the web site is working great now.
Howard said that's an interesting way to promote health care stuff. Howard said he thought that was worth sharing. He said he has more but he should save that for tomorrow. Howard said he has some new Joey Boots stuff. He said Mariann from Brooklyn got in a Baba Booey but she was very far away from the camera. Howard said he will play it all tomorrow.
Robin started her news asking Howard what the traditional engagement thing is when a woman breaks up with you before the wedding. Howard said he thinks that she should give the ring back. Howard said it is a gift but it was given under the premise that they were going to get married. Howard said that she's a grub if she keeps it. Robin asked if just that ring has to go back. Howard said that ring is an implied deal. Howard said it's very expensive. Robin asked what happens if the man back out. Howard said he says this with peace and love... He said maybe they want to sell it for money but the guy was in love and he's doing the right thing by saying he doesn't want to marry her. Howard said he spent a few months of his salary and that's the right thing to do. Robin said a movie producer, who is 84, gave a $300,000 engagement ring to his 60 year old girlfriend and one of them backed out. Robin said he has to go to court to try to get it back. Robin said she isn't letting it go. Howard said legally she may win.
Robin read a story about a woman who claims she had to get into porn to afford going to college. Howard said that's bullshit. Howard said that you don't have to get into porn. He said you might as well say goodbye to your college education if you get into porn. Howard said he's not making judgments but people will look at you with crossed eyes if you do get into porn. He said this woman Belle Knox is the woman she's talking about. Robin said the tuition for the school was $60,000. Robin said the parents are saying that it's a tragedy for the family. Robin said they say they aren't going to turn her away but this has shocked them. Howard said it's an angry response to the parents. Robin said they shouldn't be so upset about people having sex. Robin said everyone is watching porn. Howard said he's just saying how things work. Robin said we should not have a problem with anyone in pornography. Howard said he agrees.
Robin read a story about Justin Bieber and a case he's involved with. Robin said that there's something going on with his bodyguard and someone who was roughed up by him. Howard said this kid is awesomely bad in a deposition. Howard said you should have three answers. It should be yes, no or I don't recall. Howard said this kid is such a screwball. Howard said he obviously doesn't listen to what his lawyers tell him. Howard said he has some audio. Robin said they say he was short and combative. Howard played some of the audio and Bieber was asked if he knows Selena Gomez. Justin's people asked what relevance that had and then Justin told the guy not to ask him about her again. Howard said he's an asshole. Howard said you don't have to give a long answer. He said you just say yes, no or ''I don't recall.'' He said you can't throw him if you answer like that. Robin had a few more clips of Bieber being combative toward this guy asking him questions.
Robin read about Oscar Pistorius and how he cries and vomits in court. Howard said he vomited and he had to be brought a bucket to vomit into. Robin said they say that the bullets he used are called black talon bullets and they open up like a petal of a flower to do maximum damage. Robin said her head was basically blow apart. Robin said they were being very graphic about the damage that occurred to her and that's when he was throwing up. Howard said it'll be a miracle if he gets off in this case.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said he's going to be at a Monkees convention soon. Howard said he heard that Mike Nesmith is back with the guys now. He said he thinks that he didn't like Davey Jones. Howard said that Mike's mother invented White Out and he had a fortune when she died. Howard said he didn't need money. Howard said people don't need White Out so much today so maybe he needed the money to go to the convention. Howard asked what he's going to be doing at the convention. Janks said he's introducing some people and introducing a Q and A with Nesmith's kids. Howard said he can imagine the weirdos that show up for that thing. He said he imagines the level of people showing up.
Howard said Wolfie was just at a monster mania convention. He played some clips of Wolfie interviewing some guy who was upset with Val Kilmer not looking up at him when he was getting an autograph. He thought he should be friendlier.
Howard said the Monkees convention is $55 a day. Janks said he's going to be there all 3 days. He said he's not being paid either. He said this is a labor of love. Howard said Janks is paying to go. He said that this is like he's telling people to go to a movie that he's not even in. Howard said Janks is a genius. Howard said he'd like to promote his lunch today. Howard said he wouldn't be promoting this if he were Janks.
Howard played another Wolfie interview with a guy who was wearing a costume and had to speak through his mask. Howard said that guy is probably 40 years old. The guy was talking about how much he loves doing what he does. Howard did his impression of the guy in the mask and said he loves those interviews.
Howard played another interview Wolfie did where a guy was talking about his favorite scene from a movie. He said something about a baby rape scene. Howard said he has to go to the Monkees convention to see what's happening there. Janks said all three of the remaining Monkees will be there.
Howard got a list of what's happening at the Monkees convention. They had a whole rundown of when things open and all of that.
JD came in and told Howard about that baby rape scene that the guy was talking about. He said he has seen it and it as pretty intense. Howard said he thinks he'd rather talk to the guy who did that than talk to Mike Nesmith's kids at a Monkees convention.
Howard read more about what happens at the Monkees convention. Howard went through each of the things and read about the kids and relatives of the Monkees members who will be there. Janks was telling Howard who some of them were but Howard said he has to go. He said he hopes Lucas Dell'Abate will never have to do anything like that. He went into a live commercial read after that. He said he'll play more of the Wolfie interviews tomorrow.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a reading app that says it can teach people to read up to 1000 words a minute. Robin said they have one letter in read that helps people get the meaning of the word down quicker. Robin said she would like to try this. Howard said he thinks he'd rather read normally and savor the words. He said he doesn't get it.
Robin read a story about the woman in the middle of the George Washington Bridge scandal being due in court today. Robin said she has refused to hand over emails and things like that.
Robin read a story about how moving in together too young can lead to divorce. Robin said they say that people living together before the age of 23 are more likely to break up later. Howard said divorce is devastating and it's a disaster in this country. He said it should be illegal to get married before the age of 30.
Robin read a story about this all night talk a thon about climate change on Capitol Hill. Robin said that happened last night and she had some audio of some people talking about that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he thought Chelsea Handler was great on the show. He said everyone who said she wasn't is wrong. Howard said Ralph lost his dog. He said it's his mother's dog actually. Ralph said his sister has to take care of that. He said it's just awful when you lose a pet like that. He said his mother has had to put like 3 or 4 dogs to sleep and it's horrible.
Robin read a story about how they're trying to cut down on the number of heroin overdoses. Robin had some audio of some official from the justice department talking about that.
Howard said Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees is on the phone. He picked up and he had Sour Shoes doing his Mickey impression and singing a Monkees song. Howard said he would pay to see Sour there at the Monkees convention.
Howard said he has the guy who does the King of All Blacks impression on the phone. He said he should talk to them like King. The guy did that and talked about Moen faucets and things like that. Howard said he does a good job. Robin said he should enter that impressions contest.
Robin read about a court case that's going on with a bin Laden family member who is being accused of being part of the plots against this country.
Robin read a story about a coach who is refusing to comment on a Tweet that went out about guys in the NBA and the high arrest rate in the league.
Robin read a story about a rapper named Lil Boosie who was talking about how time in jail gave him new stories to tell. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said something tells him they have to get him on the show. Howard said he loves talking to anyone who went to prison.
Robin read a story about a family that was taken hostage by a violent house cat. Robin said they had to call 911 to get help. Robin had audio of the 911 call. Robin said the cat attacked a baby and the family had to barricade themselves in their bedroom to make the call. Robin said the cat was 22 pounds.
Robin had some audio of a hotel manager talking about spring breakers coming out to Las Vegas. Robin said a lot of people are excited about that in Las Vegas. Robin said they say that there are other locations that are top spots on the list for spring breakers too. Howard said that's a nightmare. He said they go to spring break and next thing you know they're in porn. Howard said that's a big waste of time to go on spring break. Howard said it's best to learn young that life sucks.
Robin read about how much money the marijuana taxes are getting in Colorado. Robin said they say they pulled in $2 million in taxes for January. Robin said it's been very good for Colorado so far. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about that.
Robin read a story about McDonald's selling a bacon club house sandwich as part of their premium menu. Robin read about what's on the sandwich. Howard said JD tried to eat healthy and it caused McDonald's to lose a ton of money. Howard said he actually saw JD in his office eating. He said that he almost shares an office with him back there. Howard said he could see the fat forming on his stomach. Howard said he doesn't think JD cares about the apple smoked bacon or whatever it's called. He said JD was hunched over a tin of something. He said he's in a glass office so you see it all. Howard said the only office not glassed in is his. Howard said there's no way he wants people looking in on him.
Howard said it's like watching JD in a zoo. JD said that they have a door on Sal and Richard's office and Scott has a closed door. He said the bullpen is kind of blocked off too. Howard said that he's the only one who walks by JD and sees him. He said his office is back there too. Howard said JD balances his tin on a chair. JD said he has an American Idol TV tray. Howard said he thought he was eating out a dog dish. JD said he had Angus beef, some rice and mashed potatoes. Howard said they're both carbs. JD said he barely knows what a carb is. Howard asked if he would order toast and pancakes. JD said he would. He said he sees no problem with it. Howard asked why he didn't get vegetables. JD said he didn't like what they had. Howard said he looks pregnant.
Robin said they say that a man is 56 pounds lighter after eating nothing but McDonald's food. Robin said he was eating less food and cutting back on his carbs. Robin said that he says that he's not bored with the food either. Robin said he ate nothing but McDonald's. Howard said it's all about calorie counting. JD said it's about working out too. Howard said JD is doing neither. JD said he's right.
Robin read about what people think they're eating and why they get it wrong when they read the labels on foods. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon and Gary talked about Jason Bateman's interview and how great he was at handling everything Howard threw at him. Gary said he thought it was funny that Jason noticed that Howard noticed his OCD. Jon said Howard is super observant. He said that he caught it with Howie Mandel back when he was trying to hide it. He said Howard could see it because he was the same way. Jon said that Howard and Jason sort of bond over that. He said Howard doesn't have it as bad as someone like Jason or Howie.
Gary said he's not sure Howard shows them everything he has with his OCD. Jon said he thinks that he's got it pretty well under control. Gary said that Howie Mandel used to talk about how he'd wrap his hands in toilet paper and then he'd take the comforter off the bed and lay towels down on the floor so he had a path to the bathroom and around the hotel room. He said he's not sure if he picked up the remote because that might be the most disgusting thing in the room. Gary said that he heard a report about ATM's and how gross they are. He said they heard a report about using a plastic bag to use the remote control. Jon said if you start thinking about that stuff you won't touch money. Gary said his son was sick and he used one wipe charlies to wipe down the remote he was using. He said he doesn't want to get sick.
Steve Brandano said that having some germs might make you stronger. Gary said they do say that you should come in contact with some of that stuff. Gary said that they share the studio with 50 people and he uses the cough button to silence his coughing. He said there's no telling how many germs are on that button. He said he's not freaked out by the headphones for some reason. Gary said the place that freaks him out is his mother's nursing home. He said on each wall they have a Purell dispenser. He said he goes back and forth to all of them. He said that place is a Petri dish. Gary said he will sit down with his mom and he Purell his hands when he pushed her wheelchair.
Gary said he was out in Los Angeles last year and he had some meetings out there and he carried a small container of the hand sanitizer out there. He said he may just be doing it for his head and maybe it's not even doing anything.
Jon said that Jason talked about how he was out of the business for a while but he's back to being one of the top stars in Hollywood. Gary said he thinks that Jason's sister was doing really well in the business and he wonders if Jason ever thought he'd have to borrow money from her. Gary said he remembers Jason on The Hogan Family and how he always thought of him as Justine's brother. He said that you can't tell if they're going to make it at that age.
Jon said that Jason wanted Justine to be on Arrested Development as his lover. Jon said it was funny how that whole discussion went down. Jon said it sounds like he's willing to do whatever he has to do for a role. Gary said that he seems like a pretty normal guy. He said he had different feelings about Angelina Jolie at the Oscars.
Jon said Howard isn't going to kiss his sister to get a role for anything. Gary said he doesn't have to though. He said he's there every day. Gary said Jason has to do what he has to do sometimes and that might be why he's willing to do that.
Gary and Jon talked about the movie that Jason was promoting and how Howard was wondering what was up with the slow roll out of the movie.
Jon took a call from a woman who said they have to let some germs get to them and they can't keep them all away. Jon said that you can't avoid them all. The woman said that she doesn't think that germs can live on a remote control either. Gary said that they always find fecal matter on the ATM machines and that grosses him out. He said he thinks he's getting plenty of germs and he has plenty of antibodies. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from the guy who called in and asked when he can come in and take a clipping of Howard's hair. Gary said the last thing he would want this guy to have in his possession is his DNA. Gary said this guy freaks him out. He said he would never turn anything of his over to that guy. Steve said he wouldn't either.
Steve asked the guys if they would want a funny doctor. Gary said he wants a guy who can talk to him but maybe not someone who has that stern attitude. Jon said he wants the facts and that's it. He said he doesn't want his doctor being on TV or anything like that either. He said you want the guy to just be a doctor. Gary said Gange had a TV doctor.
Jon asked Ronnie what he wants. Ronnie said he wants a little bit of both. He said they have to have a bed side manner to make you comfortable. Gary asked if he wants them to have a bedside manner like him. Ronnie asked what the fuck his problem is today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks they all have Howard's OCD. He said they all do crazy stuff. He said that they all walk around like Howard. Jon said he doesn't do that stuff. The caller said Gary does. Gary said he doesn't have OCD. He said he thinks his wife has as much to do with it as Howard does.
Jon asked Ronnie if he does that stuff too. Ronnie said he uses Purell after the bathroom. He said that he washes his hands too. The caller said he's sure they weren't doing this 20 years ago. Gary said 20 years ago the germ thing wasn't as crazy as it is now.
Jon took a call from a guy who said toward the end of the show JD told Howard to shut up like 3 times. He said he's never heard anyone else do that before. He said Howard let him slide on that. The caller asked why he let him do that. Gary said he's guessing JD was kidding around and his ''shut ups'' are pretty feeble too. Jon asked if Ronnie can talk to Howard like that. Ronnie said he can get him wound up and he will go off on him about things. He said he got him wound up about the limo and once there was something about a Super Bowl Party that got him wound up.
Gary said there have been times when he didn't invite Howard to something. He said that he used to tell him not to so he wouldn't do it. He said you don't know what to do because he'll get upset if you don't invite him. Ronnie said he's had that problem before. He said Howard went through the roof over that stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Arrested Development is a great show. He said Howard should put that on his iPad when he's traveling. Gary said he was trying to turn Howard on to the show ''Episodes'' and Howard said he doesn't like comedies. Gary said he found that kind of odd. Gary said he flat out said he doesn't like comedies. Jon said he doesn't even watch Seinfeld. He said the last sitcom Howard watched was Friends.
Gary said he put something in Howard's bag today about people coming back to life. He said Howard likes that kind of stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie sounds like he's about to cry every time he talks. Ronnie said he's crying right now. He said that he was just talking about a doctor's bedside manner before. That led to Jon asking him if he thinks about life expectancy. Ronnie said he doesn't check. He said he just takes it day by day. The caller said Ronnie was kind of off today. Ronnie wasn't talking about whatever test he just had done. He just said he's doing fine. Jon went to break after that.
Jon said Howard read part of that email that they sent from ''It's Always Sunny'' and they can't tell if he wants to do it or not. Jon said he has to make it clear to those guys that he wants to do it. JD said he wants to do it and he would have told them he does if he had gotten the email. JD said he is excited and he is looking forward to it. He said he is nervous but he'll see what happens. He said he does appreciate everyone who is involved with the whole thing.
Gary said he will defend JD there a little bit. He said that he understands the analogy but JD is not a dictator and he doesn't say what he will and won't do. He said Eric flat out says no to anything good they offer him.
Jon Leiberman asked how exited he is on a scale from 1 to 10. JD said it's a 9 and the only reason he's a 9 is because he's nervous.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has a question about Ronnie. He asked Ronnie if he is getting bald. Ronnie said he's not near bald but he's lost some hair. The caller asked if he would do that hair transplant thing. Ronnie told him he's really fucking stupid and told him to just go away. Ronnie said he has thinned out but he's not bald. Gary asked what the difference is. Ronnie said he doesn't have a bald spot. He said it's just thinner than it was.
Gary said he thinks of Ronnie with a full head of hair. Ronnie said he had a mullet years ago. He said he's not fully bald. He said some of his hair has left but it's still there. Ronnie went off on Leiberman saying that his hair is going and he won't admit it. Gary said he does have a bit of a ''five head'' to him. Leiberman said the hair is receding a little bit. He said he thinks he's thinning too. He said he thinks he'll have hair when he's Ronnie's age. Ronnie said no way. He said he had hair so big that he had an afro when he was Leiberman's age. He said he actually had a perm that he kept for about a year. He said that's what people were doing back then. Gary said he did the perm thing back in the day too. He said that he had a mullet back in the 80s too.
Jon took a call from Ralph who said that thinning is the gateway to balding. He said Leiberman is in denial. Ralph said he thought Gary did well on Hollywood Game Night. Ralph also said that he'd know if Howard had a hair piece. He said it's ridiculous and he doesn't have a hair piece. He said he tells everyone about everything and he'd tell them if he had a hair piece. Ralph asked if that's really the thing that Howard would lie about. Gary said the reason people get upset is because so many people do lie about having a hair piece.
Ralph said losing that dog was awful. He said he gets how Ronnie is feeling. Ronnie said it really is awful. Ralph said he didn't mean to bring them down. He said they should talk about people going bald instead.
Ronnie said Leiberman can't take it when they talk about his hair. He said he freaks out when they do. Leiberman said he doesn't color his hair. He said he has never colored his hair. Ronnie said he's so full of shit. Leiberman said he has no reason to color it. He said he'd love to see proof that he does. Ronnie said he should bring the box of shit in and they'll see what he uses. Ronnie said he uses M25 right there. Leiberman insists he doesn't use hair coloring.
Jon asked Leiberman if he has accepted that he's not going to have his hair forever. Leiberman said he will have his hair. Gary said there are 5 guys in the room who have hair issues and 5 that don't. He said it must be a pretty common thing.
Jon asked Leiberman what he has in the news. Leiberman ran down a list of things they had coming up today on Howard 100 News. Leiberman mentioned that Joey Boots was arrested yesterday when he did a Booey Bomb. He said that he was arrested for disorderly conduct. Jon ran down a few other things they had coming up today as well. They wrapped up with everyone and ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started the show asking Fred if he's going to keep playing the live version of ''Great American Nightmare.'' Fred said he's going to mix it up and next week he may go back to the studio version.
Howard said he's thinking about starting a new band with a new name. Robin said she didn't know he was going to have a new name. Howard said he was thinking ''Fleetwood Hack.'' He said that would be a nod to Fleetwood Mac.
Howard said a lot of guys want to be in it. Howard said Rich Gibbons from their channels wants to be in it. Fred said both of the Gibbons boys seem to be very musical. Howard said he was playing with him yesterday and he's very good. Howard said he bought this board to record his music on and Rich was helping him set it up. He said he asked Rich if he auditioned for the band and Rich said he has his name in. Howard said he's going to do auditions there on the air. Howard said Richard is a great drummer so he doesn't have to audition. Some guys think he may have to audition though. Fred said he is just an awesome drummer. Howard said he needs to get him on the air though. That's the whole idea of this thing.
Howard said JD offered to play triangle. He said that there was a band in the 90s and they had an old guy in the band who just kind of stood there. Gary said it was like Arrested Development or something. Howard said the old guy just walked around and he was kind of cool. Gary said that was the band, Arrested Development. Howard said he liked that song Tennessee. Fred said he'd try to find it.
Howard said he may just have JD be that kind of guy in the band. He said he doesn't have any songs with triangle in it but he could write one. Howard said JD never did learn to do anything like that even though he had no social life. Gary said JD just told him he was in the drama club. Howard said he didn't learn elocution or anything. Gary said he was Maxwell Smart in a school play. Howard said he was Mumbling Maxwell Smart.
Howard said he just learned that Agent 99 from Get Smart is 81 years old. He said he beat off to her when he was a kid. He said he can now say he beat off to an 81 year old. Howard said he thinks he may have beat off to some dead people too. He said he has banged women who have actually died. He said they didn't die while they were in bed with him though. He said he just realized that the other day. He said he thinks about that sometimes. He said he thinks about the dirty things they did and now they're dead. Howard said it's weird.
Howard played a couple of birthday songs for Gary and one of them had Richard Simmons ''Gary!'' clips in it. Howard said that's so irritating. He said Richard used to come to his house for dinner and it was so obnoxious. Howard said he figured he would drop that whole thing in private but it was 50 times worse. Howard said he would squeeze them when he hugged them. He said it hurt. Howard said that guy is an angry dude. He said they would make food and Richard would whip the food into the pool. He said he likes the guy but he can't socialize with him. He said it has to be really exhausting being Richard.
Howard said he has The Boss there for Gary's birthday. He said he means himself when he says The Boss. Howard said they're going to take a walk down Gary memory lane. Howard said Gary turns 53 this week.
Howard said he has a song that Jon Hein sang for Gary. He said Jon and Gary are in love. He said they both seem to love each other. He played the song that Jon sang to Gary. He sang about how in love with Gary he is. Howard said that was really creepy.
Howard said he remembers when Gary was a baby chimp. He said no tribute would be right if they didn't get to how he got the name Baba Booey. Howard played the clip where Gary first uttered the words ''Baba Booey.'' Howard said he even said in that clip what the character's real name was. Howard said Gary always argues with him about that stuff. Howard said that's one of his favorite Gary moments.
Howard played a clip of Mark the Bagger singing a song about Gary for his birthday. Howard said another great moment in Gary history was when Gary got squirted in the eye with a woman's jizz. Howard said Gary was working a sex machine when it happened. Gary said he was just feet away from her vagina. He said it was one of the worst moments for him ever on the show. Howard played the clip and when the woman squirted she shot Gary in the face. Gary said that was so wrong. He said he had no idea that was going to happen.
Howard played another birthday song for Gary and said that he will live on forever. Robin said those teeth will live on forever. Howard said many years from now they're going to think that man had teeth the size of a saber tooth tiger.
Howard said for years Sal would torture Gary in the back office. Howard played some calls that Sal made to Gary where he called him a Horse Tooth Jackass. Howard said there you go. He said Baba Booey is turning 53.
Howard said someone called in and said she was Madonna's sister and Gary came in and interrupted to get her on the air. Howard said this woman was really out of it and she was obviously not Madonna's sister. Howard played another clip from that day. It was basically Howard goofing on Gary about screwing that up. Howard said he wishes they had tape of her actually talking. He said she was obviously someone who was out of it.
Howard played another Baba Booey birthday song parody and then said that he loved Gary's love tape. He played a clip from that and said he loved when Gary smacked himself on the back of the head to get the word ''marriage'' out when he was saying there could be a possibility of that some day.
Howard played another birthday song parody about Baba Booey from Psych. Howard said they have so many songs for Gary. He said this is some birthday celebration.
Howard said you want to remember Gary's pitch too. Howard played a clip of some announcers commenting on that pitch. Howard played a song parody about that pitch too.
Gary said he's the only one who doesn't need to be there for his own birthday celebration. Gary said this is amazing and it's on par with Howard's. Howard played another song parody about Baba Booey's birthday.
Howard asked if Gary was done with his speech. Gary said he was done. Howard asked Robin if she had anything to say. Robin said this is off the cuff. Howard said his birthday isn't until Friday. Robin said that it has been a pleasure with Gary over however many years it's been. Robin said she wouldn't have missed a second of the highs and the lows.
Howard played another song parody about Gary's teeth and lips. Howard said it's nice when you have a star like Eli Braden making a song about you. Howard said he had an NAACP award winner making a speech for him too.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if Gary's wife is going to do something special for him. Howard said she's letting him live in the house. Howard said maybe she'll let him have the first choice of chicken. Gary said his wife's birthday is on Saturday so they'll be going out to dinner and he'll get first choice of food.
Howard said the star of Sharknado 2 is there. He asked if he had anything to say. Benjy said happy birthday and then they played his practice scream from the other day. Howard played another song parody too. Howard said that's enough of the birthday celebration.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who wished Gary a Happy Birthday. She said she got in a couple of Baba Booey on some news casts. Mariann said they were doing reports on double parking. She said she was hiding behind a garbage truck. She said she ran on when someone told her she was live.
Howard said she was so bad at it that you could barely hear her. Howard played the clip and Mariann gave it a try. Howard said Joey Boots is so good at it that he scares the reporters. Howard said Joey got arrested for that. He said he goes in and starts fighting with people. He said he's an angry guy.
Howard played a clip of Mariann doing her Baba Booey Bomb. Howard said you may not even hear her. Howard played the clip and you can hear Mariann yelling in the background but just barely. She got in a Howard Stern and a Baba Booey mention. The reporter said they had a little Baba Booey action going on there.
Mariann said that the reporters will turn on you. She said they get really angry. Joey was saying that he isn't doing anything illegal but he ends up getting into fights.
Howard played a clip of Joey Boots getting in a Baba Booey on the local ABC news. Joey is very loud and says Howard Stern's penis and starts to say Robin's name when he gets cut off. Howard said one of the news crew people called him an asshole. Howard said this is the same thing but a tape from a different perspective. One of the guys called Joey a fucking asshole. Joey said it's not illegal to be an asshole. Howard said Joey whipped out that he's a disabled veteran. He said it takes things down a notch. They asked Joey what he does for a living. They asked how much he gets paid to do that. They asked if he knows they're working there. They were complaining about him interrupting. They seem to think that Joey got paid to do that stuff.
Howard said he doesn't tell anyone to do this stuff. He said he really doesn't. Mariann said that they're superfans and they do it for Howard.
Howard said in the clip they were saying they can't arrest Joey but the reporter can say they feel threatened so they send the cops after him. Howard played a clip where Joey was being questioned by the cops and the reporter said she felt threatened.
Mariann said that Joey is trying to call in but all circuits are busy. She said he just texted her. Mariann said she doesn't have the ability to tape it all. She said she gets so nervous. Howard said that's because she's normal. Howard said she's gone off the deep end if she is comfortable doing that.
Howard cut Mariann off when she started telling him about being on Leiberman Live last night. Howard had Joey Boots on the phone after that. Joey said he got arrested and he has to go back to court on May 28th. He said that the phrase ''Howard Stern's Penis'' is protected speech. He said that he has protected speech when he's out in public. Howard said they used to fine the radio station when he would say things. Howard said it's the station's obligation to be on a delay. He said it's not Joey's responsibility. Howard said their point of view is that Joey is being a dick. Joey said it's not illegal to be a dick. Howard said he knows.
Howard said he thinks Joey will win his case. Joey said he knows he will. Joey said Howard should follow him on Twitter @JoeyBoots. Howard said everyone wants him to follow him. Howard said he's followed people but he ends up unfollowing. Howard said he was following a woman who he unfollowed and she asked him why he did that. Howard said he didn't think she was that interesting. He said someone told Beth not to tweet pictures of her cats. Howard said someone went off on her for that. Howard said she blocks people but he doesn't. Howard said if you don't like what someone is tweeting then unfollow them. Howard said he never blocks though. He said it's really lame shit that they post. He said they say he wears a wig and things like that. Howard said they can say whatever they want and he doesn't care.
Joey said he's going on TMZ Live today. He said he'll be talking about his arrest. Howard said that's great. He let Joey go after that.
Gary said he will go see who these people are who say stuff about him on Twitter. He said he had one guy who was tweeting nasty stuff to him and he only had 12 people following him. Gary said he had 5000 tweets and only 12 people are following him.
Howard said he unfollowed Gary. He said he wants to follow photography stuff and things like that. Howard said he doesn't want to see personal discussions. Gary said Howard unfollowed them all. Benjy told Howard he still follows one staffer. That was Jon Hein. Howard said Jon must not annoy him with his tweets. Benjy said he still follows JD too. Howard said he must have forgotten to unfollow him.
Robin asked if he follows Ronnie. Howard said he had to unfollow Ronnie immediately. Howard said it's all about strippers and he can't spell and his grammar is so bad. Howard said you lose all respect for him. He said he spells more words wrong than he spells them right. Howard said most guys like Ronnie don't know how to tweeted but someone taught him. He said he was doing that girl of the week thing. He said he had to stop following him.
Howard said Ronnie's beard looks crazy. He said his hair is a color that isn't like a human hair color. Howard said he has to stop with that. Ronnie said that's fine. Howard said his tweets look like hieroglyphics. Ronnie said he just tweets people back in the morning. He said he's not an English major. Howard said they weren't confused by that. Howard said he knows he's not an English major. Howard said Ronnie still uses a Blackberry. Ronnie said he doesn't like the iPhone. He said he has the Q10 or whatever the hell it's called.
Ronnie said that his Twitter is going crazy now. He said that he doesn't do any of that during the show though.
Howard played a clip where a radio host was reading about people who passed away and they had one for a 102 year old Ronnie Mund.
Robin asked what kind of radio that was. Howard said it was Tradio and they gave them a phony obituary. Howard said you'd think he was the president by the way she was reading that. Howard said they mentioned all of his grandchildren and it was the staff names.
Howard said Ronnie was funny on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He said Ronnie knows how to mess with Jon Leiberman. Howard said Robin needs to hear this. Howard said he got pissed when he heard Ronnie has never had a colonscopy. Ronnie said he had something worse. He said he had a biopsy on his prostate.
Ronnie said that they told him that he should have some tests done. He said that one doctor told him he was fine but other doctors said he should be tested. He said he's awake for this thing and they take this cream and put it up your ass first. He said then they take a giant tube and stick that up your ass. He said that it's the worst. Ronnie said this thing has a camera in it and they have a probe in it. He said they stick a needle in your prostate to numb it. He said you start pissing and you don't even realize it. Howard said this sounds like one of his sex tapes. Ronnie said you piss and don't feel it because you're numb. He said they stick this other thing in and they take 12 biopsies. He said they talk about the different sections of what it is. He said you hear them dropping it in a cup. He said he did this on their last vacation. He said he was pissing blood for like 2 weeks after that. He said it didn't really hurt though.
Howard asked where he did that. Ronnie said it was in the hospital in the city. He said it took a total of about an hour. He said he was able to drive himself home. He said they told him not to worry about having sex but he'd be shooting blood for a while. He said that lasted longer than the pee. Howard said Ronnie had to fuck though. Ronnie said he doesn't wear a condom usually but he did for that.
Howard said it's going to be so much worse if he gets colon cancer. Howard said he gets a nice nap when he gets that tested. Howard said it's not that bad. He said it's not a big deal. He told Ronnie he should get it done. Ronnie said he doesn't want to shit his brains out. Howard said it's not that bad.
Leiberman came in and Howard said he has hair. He played more of the clip where Ronnie and Leiberman were going back and forth arguing about who is going to go bald and if Leiberman uses hair color or not. Leiberman denies that he uses that stuff. Ronnie kept telling him that he's on his way to going bald. Leiberman doesn't think that's the case.
Howard asked why Leiberman lets Ronnie get to him. Leiberman said that it comes out of nowhere and he can't control that sometimes. He said that's what happened yesterday. He said he has more hair than Ronnie. He said it's a lot more. Ronnie said it's thin on top and he's doing the comb over thing. Leiberman asked what he's talking about and said he has to be kidding. Ronnie said he's doing the comb over. Howard asked how old he is. Leiberman said he's 39. He said he has no grasp of those terms. He said he combs his hair to the side, that's it.
Ronnie said he is losing his hair. Leiberman kept arguing with him saying that he isn't losing it. He said Ronnie is the one losing his hair and coloring his hair. He said it's ridiculous that he has no accusations grounded in fact. Ronnie was cracking up and that had Howard and Robin laughing too.
Leiberman said that Ronnie has admitted to coloring his hair. He said he's not sure why he's projecting his confession on him. Howard said Ronnie thinks that Jon will be bald. He said he does have a high forehead. Howard said he should get pictures of him to see if his forehead has grown. Jon sarcastically said that's a great idea.
Jon said that his father is still alive and he's got a full head of hair. He said he's in his 70s. He said he'd be thrilled if he has a full head of hair at 70. Jon said he thinks he has a nice head of hair for his age. He said Ronnie does too. He said a lot of 39 year olds have no hair. Howard said Ronnie had a lot more hair than Jon does at this age. Howard said Ronnie had a lot of hair and he's been around him for many years. Ronnie said he had more hair in his 50s than Jon does now.
Ronnie said Jon should have left the show yesterday. He said he can't handle this stuff. Robin said that he was so eloquent defending his hair. Howard said he thinks he's gained some weight. Jon said he's actually lost 20 pounds. Jon asked if Howard wanted him to come over there. Howard said that he was fine there.
Howard asked if Jon follows Ronnie on Twitter. Jon said he may have to unfollow him because he has to read about his hair first thing in the morning.
Jon said he's happy with his hair. Ronnie said he is too. Howard said he has to take a break now. Howard said Ronnie just pointed out a bald spot on Jon's head. Ronnie was cracking up again and pointing out the spot. Robin and Howard were cracking up. Ronnie was too but Jon wasn't saying a word. Robin said she's never seen anything like this. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he thought King was kind of fucked up on Leiberman live with his thoughts on gay marriage and things like that. King said he's not like that. He said if he really heard him explain what he felt it made sense. Howard said he heard him. King said he thinks they should be able to have civil unions. Howard asked if he thinks he's better than them. King said it's not a question of being better. Howard said he has to get out of this conversation. He said that it's a ridiculous thing.
Howard said he was listening to Michelle Bachman talking about gays and how she thinks they're bulling other kids. Howard said this woman is a nitwit. Howard asked where she comes from. Fred told him it's Minnesota. Howard said they should get rid of that state.
Howard played a clip of Bachman talking about how the gays have bullied the American people. Howard said that they're trying to get equal rights. King said he doesn't agree with people like that. King said what offends him is when they equate it to civil rights. Howard said he's heard a lot of that from guys like King. Howard said that they say that they can't change their skin color but a gay man can be with a woman. Howard said that's ridiculous.
Howard played more of the Michelle Bachman clip and said she has no idea what it's like to be the odd man out. King cut him off and asked why this football player came out and didn't just stay in the closet. Howard said he was sick of living a lie. Robin said that King can walk down the street and have a public display of sexuality but he doesn't want anyone else to be able to do that if they're not like him.
Howard said he and Beth can walk down the street holding hands but there are gay guys who get the shit beaten out of them for doing that. Howard said he knows King things that way. King said he does not. Howard said he'll take his word for that. King said Howard and Beth holding hands looks normal. Robin said that's a judgment call and these people don't make any sense. King said that it doesn't look normal when you see two guys holding hands. Howard said it doesn't look normal because you've been taught it's a shameful thing. Howard said it doesn't affect him at all.
King said he would like to really talk to Howard privately. Howard said he's very angry about this issue. King asked if Ronnie feels funny asking for a Blackberry. Howard said Ronnie doesn't care. Howard said it's amazing he even has a smartphone. Howard said for years he had a flip phone. Howard said Ronnie used to use a flip phone for Twitter. He said he had to type really slow.
Ronnie came in and asked how this got on to him. He went off on King about the whole phone thing and said that King thinks he's smart but he's just stupid. He said he's just a jerk talking about white people and black people walking down the street. He said that they walk down the street every day and no one is talking about it other than King. Howard said they actually do talk about it. He said that's why King should be more sensitive about it. Ronnie was yelling about what a dick head King is so Howard told him to calm down and go out in the hall. Howard cut off his microphone and hung up on King too.
Howard played more of the Michelle Bachman audio clip where she'd complaining about gays intimidating straight people. Howard said this woman thinks that they're dangerous.
Howard said this Pat Robertson is the same way. Howard said he's off his rocker too. Howard played a clip of Pat Robertson and his co-host talking about a woman who thought that she got into an accident because the lord's protection was lifted after she watched a movie. Howard said that woman is a moron but Pat Robertson backs up her thoughts about the lord's protection and said that he heard about a girl who had a demon enter her body because she watched an X-rated movie. Robertson said that's just the way it is. He said this thing may be living around you.
Howard said that guy has never worked and he has a horse shit job. He said people send him money for doing nothing. Howard played more of the clip and said that this guy has built a lifestyle by telling people fairy tales and scaring people.
Howard did an impression of Robertson and told some stories about this Frankenstein movie and how a demon may get permission to get inside your body if you watch it. Howard said the guy is so full of it. He told that story about the girl who watched the XX rated movie and a demon enter her. Howard said he wants to hear the actual story. He said he wants to know who this girl was.
Howard told a story as Pat Robertson. He said he knew a young actor who traveled to New Mexico and was bitten by a werewolf. He said he became demon possessed. Howard said this young actor's name was Eric the Actor. ''Howard Robertson'' said as you know New Mexico was run by the Aztec religion. He said he thinks there were human sacrifices so send him as much money as you can to fight all of that.
Howard said he knew another actor who was in a movie about sharks. He said he was blotchy and fat. Fred played some of Benjy's screaming clip. Howard said he loves when he plays a little bit of it and cuts it off. Fred said he thinks it's too much if he plays the whole thing. Howard said he doesn't have to explain. He said he loves it.
Howard played a clip of Pat Robertson praising a bunch of stuff that they edited together with clips of him. Howard said they should have listeners send them money so they can edit together clips like that and air a show opposite Robertson's show. Howard said they'd have huge ratings. He said it would be their response to Pat Robertson with fake drops. Robin said it would be hilarious. Robin said this is the funniest stuff you can find. Howard said he has to take a break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said Gary has seen Robin naked. Robin said she had her back to him. Gary said he only saw her ass so he can only tell you how many quarters it would take to cover her ass.
Howard asked Robin how her ass is. Robin said it's not full of cellulite but it's soft. Howard said he still sees cellulite on his ass. Robin said she thought he got rid of it. Howard said apparently not. He said at the gym he looks like an Adonis. He said he looks in the mirror in his closet and he looks awful. He said he tried to get a guy in there to set a light up so he doesn't look heinous. He said he guy fucked with the lights but he looked just as bad. He said in the gym the lighting is good for some reason.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who said he mentioned Twitter earlier. He told Howard not to act like he doesn't do shit to people when they make fun of him. Howard asked what he means. Hanzi said he gets his trolls to attack people. Howard asked what his trolls are. Hanzi said that these companies buy fake followers to go after people. Howard said this is so retarded. He said it's annoying already with the conspiracy thing.
Hanzi started to freak out on Howard. Howard said he doesn't have any trolls or anyone on Twitter. He said he sounds like an idiot. Howard said he needs more meds. Hanzi said Howard needs more meds. Howard said he's not on any meds. Hanzi said he guarantees he's on meds.
Hanzi said he can't believe he's comparing minorities to gays. Howard said they are a minority. Hanzi started to go on about something that Howard just rolled his eyes to. Howard played a new song parody about Hanzi to the tune of Chaka Kahn.
Gary said Shuli told him that he was up in Toronto and Hanzi asked if he could come to the show. Shuli told him he could but then Hanzi asked how much he was going to pay him to show up. Shuli came in and said that he likes hanging with Hanzi. He said he's fine in person. He said he did ask him what he could do for him money wise. He said he told him he isn't doing that anymore. He said he told Hanzi if he took pictures or made shirts or something he could sell them. He said it really bummed him out.
Howard told him to get a real job or something. Hanzi said he can't get a real job because he's a piece of shit. He started yelling at Howard about what a piece of shit he is. Howard asked how old he is. Hanzi was yelling at him and freaking out on him. Howard said he bets that he's waking his parents up. Howard asked if they're sleeping. Hanzi said he doesn't care. Howard played another song parody about Hanzi where they have him freaking out.
Howard asked if he has calmed down. Hanzi did. Howard asked what time he takes his meds. Hanzi said it doesn't matter because Shuli is just going to deny everything.
Howard asked Shuli what happened. Shuli said Hanzi didn't come out to the show. He said he thinks that Hanzi thinks that he's a draw for the show so he should be paid. Hanzi said he does bring people in and they know it. Howard said if he thinks that then he should go out on the road and do his own show. Shuli told Hanzi that he started out on his own and didn't have anyone's help. Howard said he put Shuli right into the Illuminati.
Hanzi said that he knows that they use him to bring people in. Howard asked what this is called. He said there must be a technical term. Shuli said it's called ''Fuckin' nuts.'' He said Hanzi is completely different in person. He said he has had great times hanging out with him. Hanzi said that he didn't step in when he wanted to come to the birthday bash. Shuli said he did talk to Gary about it. Howard said it's very narcissistic to think that people want to come out to see him. Hanzi said Howard knows about this shit.
Howard asked if the guys are going to go to Hanzi-Con. Howard said he's going to dress up as his parents with hair pulled out of his head.
Shuli said he's going as Hanzi in a leather jacket at a barbecue. Fred said he's going as him dressed in a Hawaiian shirt.
Shuli asked which parents are having a worse time, Sour Shoes, Wendy the Retard, Hanzi, Mark the Bagger... Howard said Wendy shits herself and wanders around eating all day. He said there is a sweetness to her though. He said it's the same thing with Sour Shoes. Howard said he calls the show every day and plays the piano but he's sweet. Howard said Hanzi lives at home and he hates his parents. Hanzi said he doesn't hate them. He said he hates that they can't tell him secrets and that they take direction from the show. Howard said Hanzi wins. He said he beats Wendy the Retard. Hanzi said he gets nothing out of this anyway so who cares. Howard said he wins though.
Howard said at least Sour Shoes has a talent. He said there is no hope in Hanzi. Hanzi said that's why Howard had Benjy called him to be an intern. Benjy said if he did that maybe he was calling him and not the other way around. Benjy said he thinks Hanzi contacted him about getting into radio. Hanzi said that's bullshit and it was the other way around.
Hanzi said he has Bell's Palsy and they don't talk about that. Hanzi was getting worked up again and Howard said he really has to get out of this.
Fred asked if he's smoking more dope these days. Hanzi said he's cutting back. Hanzi said that they know people in his life and his dad had a talk with him. Robin asked how old he is. Hanzi told her to shut the fuck up.
Howard asked how he got caught buying weed. Hanzi said his dealer was with him and he thinks he set him up. Hanzi said Shuli knows who this guy is too. He told him not to deny it. Hanzi said he got busted outside the garage at home. His dad busted him. Shuli asked why he's smoking at home. Hanzi said that everyone knows what's going on with that.
Howard said weed makes you paranoid so maybe that's not the best thing to do. Shuli said it also calms you down. He said she's hung out with Hanzi before when he smoked and he was fine. Hanzi said maybe he shouldn't be there on this planet anymore. Hanzi said he can't get anything from his quasi fame on the show. Howard said maybe they can get him in Sharknado. Howard said maybe the shark needs a bunch of meals. Howard told Gary to get a head shot from Hanzi so they can send it along.
Howard asked if Hanzi feels bad putting his parents through this. Hanzi said Howard knows what's going on and he knows he's keeping tabs on him. Howard asked if his brother lives at home. Hanzi said he doesn't. He said they all know what's going on with him. He said his brother is younger. Howard said Hanzi is the older brother but his younger brother has a life. Hanzi said he has Stern Show fame though.
Benjy asked why Hanzi why he's cutting back on pot. Hanzi said it's because he has no money. Benjy said that's good then. Howard said Benjy seems to be able to calm Hanzi down. Howard said he talked to him and he calmed right down.
Howard said they have to get Hanzi into the Sharknado movie. Hanzi said he'll do anything but make out with a dude. Howard said he has to make out with a dude. He said he would blow a shark. Hanzi said he won't do that. Howard said Hanzi thinks that no one will do anything for him. He said Benjy is going to talk to the Sharknado people about getting him a role.
Howard said he had to get going. Hanzi told him he wants that part. He said he knows he's not getting anything. Howard said he has to give them a chance. Fred said Benjy is still at work. He can't make any calls yet.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who says he has a camera in his apartment. Howard took the call and the guy asked Hanzi to move to the side because he can't see him very well. Hanzi said he knows he has cameras in his room watching him. Howard told him to get his finger out of his ass. Shuli said he has a whole production team watching him. Howard said camera 7 shows his parents are crying. Hanzi said he jerks off into his shirt. The caller said that's on camera 5 and they had to take that one off line.
Howard said Benjy is going to look into this for him. Hanzi asked if he can get him into Wrestlemania. Benjy said he can't guarantee that but he will try. He said he has connections. Howard said this is mind mumbling. He said he has to get out of this. He hung up on Hanzi.
Howard said Hanzi is into every lame thing. He's into wrestling. Howard said that he needs money for the Pay-Per-View. Shuli said he follows him on twitter and he live tweets the Monday Night Raw stuff. Shuli said you know when he's worked up because he types in all caps. He said that he gets really worked up about the story lines in the wrestling stuff too.
Howard said it would be great if they put every nut in Sharknado. He said they could have Hanzi and so many other nuts in there. Fred played the Imran Khan song parody that Howard loves.
Howard said he also wanted to remind everyone about the labia discussions they had and they're getting a lot of pictures and songs. Howard said he would like people to stop sending labia pictures. He said one is more disgusting than the other. He said that with peace and love of course.
Howard said he watched The Walking Dead last night. He said he had to go watch The Bachelor too. He said the woman who won is an assistant district attorney. Howard said he's not sure how she got 6 months off to shoot that show. Howard said she's very impressive from what he could see. Howard said he's not sure why she can't find a guy. Howard said you don't marry someone who goes on TV to find a man. Howard said you don't marry a man who does that either. Howard said he'd like to know how she got 6 months off. He said someone should question her boss about that. Howard made up what the conversation would be like when she asks for time off.
JD came in and said he read that she took a leave of absence during a murder trial. Howard said that they had to put a rape case on hold for her to find love. Howard said she says her priorities are clear and she needs to find romance. Howard said this woman was in the final 3 and she spent a night with him in a fantasy suite. She figured out that he was just the worst and he's a boob.
Howard said Juan Pablo is a dopey guy. He said he's a disaster. He said he'd love to interview these people and ask this assistant D.A. about what she was thinking. Howard said that she couldn't have gotten paid anything for that. Howard said Juan Pablo still lives with his parents. He said he couldn't have made much money doing that show.
Howard said he wants to talk about how great Jon Leiberman's show is. He said he does it every day at 4:45. Howard said he always has a wack packer there. Howard said he has rarely missed that show. He said he was listening to Elephant Boy and even he couldn't understand the guy. Howard said he speaks Elephant and it was hard to understand.
Howard played a clip from Leiberman Live where Elephant Boy and Big Foot were talking about the disappearance of the Malaysian airlines flight. Elephant Boy was talking about what he thinks was going on. Howard understood what he said but it wasn't easy to follow.
Howard played another clip where Jon asked Big Foot to talk about what a representative was saying about dogs and how one breed isn't more violent than another. Big Foot had no idea what he was talking about when he mentioned ''mixed breed.'' Howard said you have to dumb things down for Big Foot. He said he told Jon he has to take it down a notch for him.
Howard played another Elephant Boy clip where he was talking about a subject and it was very unclear. Howard said imagine there's a nuclear accident and everyone starts speaking like that. Howard said that would be a cool movie. Howard said there's a bus with a bomb and Elephant Boy is the only one who knows the code. Howard said they try to get the code and it's unintelligible. Howard said he's not sure what happens after that. Fred played a bomb explosion sound effect.
Howard said he never wants to abandon Dennis Rodman. He said they have had him on in the past when no one wants him. He said they asked him to come in now but he won't show up. Howard said now the guy is on fire and he's on ESPN instead. Howard played a clip of Dennis talking to the guys on some show and crying over this whole North Korea thing. Howard said Dennis always cries when he's getting beat up. Howard said he's angry and crying because no one understands him. Robin said he thinks he was trying to do something nice and no one understands. Howard played more of the clip and goofed on Dennis saying it sounds like he's not even speaking English. Howard said he sounds like Gary when he clears his throat.
Howard said he thinks that he's making David Arquette's point about everyone on twitter being so negative. Robin said he's also making Hanzi's point about how people are making money off of him on Twitter. Howard played more of the crying Dennis Rodman clip and said he should try throwing up like Oscar Pistorius. Dennis was talking about how he wants to do good things and that's all he was doing by going over to North Korea. Howard said he's doing that while the people of North Korea are suffering. Howard said North Koreans want to do fun things like eat.
Rodman said that once things are settled and calm then people will kiss his ass. Howard said now they can't get him on the show to get him to make those statements. Howard said he'll be back eventually but not until he's done talking about North Korea.
Howard said Chelsea Handler was on Piers Morgan and she told him he was a shitty interviewer. Howard played the clip and said that even Piers is laughing during the interview. Howard played the clip and Chelsea was plugging her book and talking about how much she has to do. Piers said something about how great her tweets are. Then Chelsea said he's a terrible interviewer. She said that he has to pay attention to his guests. She said maybe that's why his job is coming to an end. Howard said Piers was laughing but that was an overly hearty laugh. Robin said that's the laugh you do when you're getting roasted. Howard said that's it.
Howard said just imagine that Piers is texting during a break on his show when the guest is there. Howard said he should be paying attention to his guest and telling them they're doing a good job or something.
Howard played a clip of a woman singing Amazing Grace and clearing her throat like Gary. She dragged the song out about 10 times longer than it actually was. Howard said that he won't disparage her too much. Howard said she probably does this in church. Howard said he would have enjoyed hearing that instead of what he had to listen to. Howard said this woman is some character. He said this song takes like 5 hours at this rate. Howard said she's probably laughing wondering why they let her up on stage.
Howard said she's like that deaf interpreter who got up on stage and didn't know how to sign. Howard said he wishes this woman would audition for America's Got Talent. Howard said he and Howie would be stabbing each other trying to go first.
Howard said there were a few kooky people that they had to let go from AGT. He said that they really think they're good and when you tell them they're terrible they flip out. Howard said he and Howie were talking about them and Howie thinks that they're really pissed. Howard said that you need time off from that stuff. He said he's glad they're doing things the way they are this season. Howard said that the job is draining. He said they need a month between auditions. He said they're doing more the first week in April at Madison Square Garden. Howard said he's starting to forget so he'll be ready for the next round.
Howard said he has another piece of tape about Steve Irwin who was killed when he got stabbed in the heart by a stingray. Howard said the guy who was with him, who was a camera man, has come out and talked about what happened that day. Robin said he has footage but he won't release it. Howard said the guy had a little kid and now he's gone. Howard wondered what happened to his kid. Robin said Bindi is still around but her show never took off. Howard said maybe they can get Bindi into Sharknado 2. Howard said they need another person to be eaten.
Howard played a clip of this photographer talking about what happened the day Steve Irwin was killed. Howard said that Gilbert Gottfried was obsessed with that name Bindi one day. He played a prank call Sal and Richard made using clips of Gilbert yelling out Bindi and other things.
Howard said he just realized that this is the guy who should have played the joker in Batman. Howard said he loved Heath Ledger but this guy is what the Joker would have sounded like. Howard kept playing the prank call clip. Howard said that's the Joker. He said he was born to play that part. Howard said the Joker would make those phone calls all day too.
Howard got back to the clip of Steve Irwin's photographer. The guy was description what happened and how the stingray started stabbing wildly at Steve's chest. He said it did a bunch of stabs in a matter of seconds. He said the stingray may have thought Steve's shadow was a shark. He said next thing he knew Steve was standing in a huge pool of blood. He said they had to get out of the water because sharks might be attracted to them.
The photographer said that no one pulled the stinger out. He said Steve thought that the barb had punctured his lung. He said they got him into a boat and tried to assess the situation. He said there was blood coming out and they had a guy putting his hand over the wound. He said Steve looked up at him and said ''I'm dying'' and that was the last thing he said. Howard said that's the ultimate trip. He said that's pretty freaky. Robin said a lot of people must know when they're dying. Howard said he thinks he's dying when he gets a splinter.
Howard said it's so weird that they shoot and shoot for AGT and don't use that much. He said the last shot Steve Irwin took probably wouldn't have been used. Robin said he'd still be with them if that guy didn't need that shot of the stingray floating away. Robin said it was because the guy was behind the stingray that he got stabbed.
Howard said he used to watch that guy's show and he'd turn it off when he went into the water. He said nothing fun happens under the water. Howard said usually guys are in a cage or something when they're around sharks. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard told Benjy to look up the lead singer of INXS and see if that's really how he died. Benjy said it's not definitive but there is belief that's what happened. Howard said that's what they said about David Carradine too but now they say that's not what happened. Benjy said he was found hung and they said it was deemed a suicide. He said he was nude so they think he could have been doing that. Howard said maybe he figured he came into this world nude so he was going out nude.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she just remembered she had a dream about him last night. Howard said he doesn't want to hear that bullshit. She said that she also thinks Gilbert as the Joker is perfect. She said he should have his own casting agency. Howard hung up on her and said she was annoying him.
Howard said there's a poll up on HowardStern.com asking whose family is more annoyed by their child, Wendy the Retard, Sour Shoes or Hanzi.
Howard said it's time for some news. They played Robin in with a song parody about her labia. Howard asked if she put the mirror really close to look at herself. Robin said she had to put it as close as she had to so she could see it. Robin said she still does it from time to time. Howard asked how deep you look. Robin said you just want to see what can be seen from the outside. Howard asked if she ever opens her ass and looks in there. Robin said she does not do that.
Howard took a call from Ralph who asked if she gets turned on by that. Howard said of course not. Ralph got in a plug for tomorrow's GEEKTIME. Ralph mentioned that Kristen Bell is on and Howard said they can't even get her on this show. Howard said they've tried to get her on and she won't come in. Robin said she heard they're going to talk about what this Bitcoin thing is. Ralph said they have a woman coming in to explain that. Ralph said he was at a pizza place and they accept Bitcoin. He said they'll be out of business in a matter of weeks if they do that. GEEKTIME is on tomorrow at 3 on Howard 101.
Robin started her news with a story about how there are still areas of the country that allow people to spank children in school. Howard said he wouldn't want to live there. Robin said there's a call for a ban on spanking in North Carolina where it's still a disciplinary tool in 6 schools.
Robin asked Howard how long the internet has been in his life. Howard said he remembers when Jeff Shick showed him that stuff for the first time. Howard said it was around 1990 or maybe late 1980-something. Howard said he's not sure how many years it's been. He said he'll say it's like 25 years. Robin said the doors to the internet opened 25 years ago. Howard said he remembers how horrible it was. He said it was boring because there was nothing to do on it. Howard said all of a sudden he was amazed when he saw it with Jeff. He said he never thought it wouldn't be anything but there was nothing to do on it at the time. Howard said it used to take like 20 minutes to download one naked picture of a woman. Howard said he credits porn with the internet taking off the way it did. Robin said the internet started in 1989 and Tim Berners-Lee is credited with starting it.
Howard said he thinks the internet became indispensable to him in the last year. He said that he can get anything he wants on there. He said he doesn't have to leave the house. He said he can get guitar lessons on there and he can buy anything he wants. He said he had to buy something dumb the other day and he went online and bought it. He said it's become indispensable to him.
Robin read a story about Cynthia Lynn dying. Howard mentioned her earlier in the show. She was on Hogan's Heroes. Howard said she played Helga. Robin said she was diagnosed with hepatitis when she was taken to a hospital on Friday. Robin said she died of multiple organ failure on Monday night at the age of 76. Howard also mentioned that the woman who played Agent 99 on Get Smart is 81. Howard said he's not sure what she looks like. Fred played some of Benjy's scream after Howard said that.
Robin read about a dog that saved it's owner's life and lost an eye doing it. Howard said they have a cat who lost her eyes and Beth posts pictures of her all the time. Howard said they feel so bad for her. Howard said some angry asshole did that to a cat to take out their aggression. Howard said it had to be a guy who did it too. He said that's who does stuff like that. Howard said the cat is so cute. He said she fell off the banister the other day because she can't see where she's at. Robin said that's what's great about animals. They will try to be as normal as they can. Howard said she has one eye but it barely works. Howard said it's hard enough being a cat and she doesn't need that.
Robin read about a woman who died when she had silicone injected into her butt. Robin said she met this woman at a hotel room and she got this injection and she had a reaction to it and now she's dead. Robin said she was only 22 years old. Howard said you hope the woman who did it is given the death penalty. Howard said she took advantage of someone who wasn't too bright. Howard said it's probably a good sign that you're going to a hotel to get this work done. Robin said it was an hourly rental room too. Howard said there are people who are dupes. He said this is a murder in his opinion. Robin said they are calling it a homicide. Howard said she has no business doing that. Robin said you never get a medical procedure outside of a doctor's office or a hospital. Howard wondered if she's ever given a good silicone ass to anyone. Robin said maybe she hasn't killed everyone. Robin said they're saying that she may have hit a vein and the woman had her reaction right after that. Robin said there was one woman who had cement injected into her face. Howard said that's not a good thing. Robin said you can't get your cosmetic surgery in a hotel room.
Robin said Nadya Sulemon was in court and she faces 6 years in prison if she's found guilty in this case.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's going to write another book. Howard said he's been writing lately but the stuff is weird shit. He said that he wrote about 200 pages but the stuff is weird. The caller asked if he wrote about that Shuter character. Howard said he did actually. He said he has some weird thoughts about that stuff. He said he writes like he's the only one who is ever going to read it. Robin said that's good. She said that's what journaling is.
Robin read a story about a guy who was sentenced to 14 years in prison for shining a laser light in the eyes of a helicopter pilot. Robin said that the FBI has a new reward program to help put an end to this.
Howard said Prince was on Arsenio's show the other night and he talks like he doesn't know English. Howard said the audience rewards him for that too. He said the guy is still acting like he's writing hit songs. Robin said she tried to watch him on New Girl and she ended up turning the show off. Howard said Gary called him to do the Birthday show and he said he doesn't do birthday shows because he doesn't believe in birthdays.
Howard played a clip of Arsenio interviewing Prince and asking him about watching shows that have new musicians on it. Prince said he doesn't really watch that stuff. He mentioned the name of someone he was watching TV with and the audience cheered. Howard said the whole thing was hysterical to him. He said they applaud everything he says. Prince was saying he and his friend were talking about how they were rearranging the music in their heads while watching American Idol. Howard said this is a self congratulatory thing where he's making himself out to be a genius. Howard did his impression of Prince and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard played a clip of Prince taking questions from the audience and the audience would go nuts when he gave his answers. Howard said he has to get used to that. He asked what planet they live on. He said people can't really think that's so funny. Howard said he was invited to a private Prince performance and he refused to stay because he refused to turn the lights on. Robin said the last time she went to see him he was at Studio 54 and he got on stage and played a record. Howard played more of Prince and Arsenio talking. He goofed on him a little more and then went into a live commercial read.
Robin asked Howard if Russia is friend or foe. Howard said he thinks that Putin is a foe but they have some great strippers that they export. Robin said a poll taken says that a good portion of the country thinks that they are a foe as well.
Robin read a story about President Obama dropping into a Gap store in New York City. Robin had some audio of the owner of the store talking about meeting Obama. Howard said he loves all of these assholes who were treating Obama like he did something wrong by going on Zach Galifianakis' show. Howard said he likes a guy who knows about things like that and can go into a store and shop. Howard said he went to the Gap because they raised the minimum wage from $10 an hour from $9 an hour. Howard said Obama thought that was a good thing and he went to congratulate them.
Robin read a story about Senator Harry Reed going after the Koch brothers. Robin said she wants to say ''cock'' when she sees that name. Howard said it's kind of like that John Boehner who's name should be Boner. He said that's what it looks like. Robin had some audio of Harry Reed talking about the Koch brothers and what they're doing that he doesn't like.
Robin read a story about how the CIA has been accused of snooping on a private meeting. Howard said he saw the woman on the news yesterday all fired up. Robin had some audio of Feinstein saying she's still waiting for an apology.
Robin read a story about Jimmy Kimmel getting kind of political. Robin said he had Rick Perry on yesterday and Rob Ford on last week. Howard said Rob Ford is hardly a politician. Robin said Rick Perry had to deal with some boos from the audience. Howard said he would boo the whole time. Howard said he was the best in the debates. He said he kept putting his foot in his mouth. He said he's shocked he's still around. Robin had some audio for Howard to play.
Robin read about what's going on with the Malaysian airlines flight that's missing and how some women came out and said that the pilot let them sit in the cockpit for a whole flight two years ago. Howard said good looking people have a whole different life than regular people. Robin said that they know it's not right so she's not sure why they participate. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on how in other parts of the country the security measures are lax. Robin said they're also criticizing Malaysia for the way they're handling this missing flight. Robin said people are getting anxious and there are no answers for them yet.
Robin read a story about the NY Knicks and how they're thinking of reuniting with Phil Jackson. Robin said they are thinking about having him back as the President of the team. Robin said she thinks that he'll come back but he'll end up coaching.
Robin read a story about another winter storm that's heading across the country. Robin said this winter still isn't ready to let go. Howard said it's awful. He asked Robin to make it stop.
Robin read a story about heart disease being the biggest killer in the country but cancer is going to take that over soon.
Robin read about the FDA asking people to stop using a supplement that men use for erectile dysfunction. Robin said the drug is called Weekend Warrior and it can interfere with some other drugs.
Robin said that scientists have patented a machine that will provide an orgasm for a woman with the push of a button. Robin said it is designed as an implant and it can create the orgasm for the woman. Robin said that trials will begin later this year in Minneapolis. Robin said the guy who created it said he came up with it by accident. Howard said that was created for women who have been with him. They wrapped up the news and ended the show around 10:00am.
Jon said happy birthday to Gary. Gary said it's not until Friday but he's getting a lot of people tweeting out for his birthday. Jon asked if he liked the birthday bash today. Gary said it's all good stuff. He said he likes the parodies that they played. Gary said the only thing that bothered him was when Howard said he's known him since he was a little chimp. He said he's used to that other stuff. He said he's actually used to it all.
Jon asked if Gary expected anything for him. Gary said he didn't. He said his birthday isn't until Friday. He said he wasn't expecting anything at all this year. He said Howard will sometimes mentioned it but not do anything.
Jon asked if he prefers having a big deal made out of it. Gary said that he thinks they handle everything the right way there. Jon asked if he thought there was anything missing today. Gary said they could have pulled a better Madonna's Sister clip. He said over all they were very funny though. Gary said the pitch clip was Keith Hernandez commenting on him.
Jon took a call from a guy who wanted their opinion on the gay rights thing. He said he has no problem with it but when he's out in public and he sees gay people making out it bothers him. He said it bothers him when anyone makes out though. He said it doesn't matter who it is and maybe that's what it is that people are upset about. Benjy asked what that has to do with gay marriage. The caller said he has no problem with gay marriage. Gary asked why he opened up with the gay thing. The caller said he thinks that maybe that's what causes people to get upset over. Gary said if people make out in public it doesn't bother him. He said the caller seems to be bothered more by gays making out than with others. Benjy thought his point was that he thinks it leads to more homosexuality.
Jason said it doesn't matter what you like. He said it's up to the people what they want to do. He said that's the right we have in this country.
Jon asked Leiberman about Howard having him in this morning and having Howard laughing at him. Leiberman said it's not so bad when they are laughing while they're doing that.
Gary said this reminds him of when stuttering John would get Howard and Robin laughing at things. He said he would have something that wasn't so true but he'd get them laughing and that would empower him to keep going.
Jon asked Ronnie about the biopsy he had on his prostate. Ronnie said he has had a fluctuating PSA for years and that's the way they test. He said that they had to do the biopsy so that's what he did.
Jon said they heard about Ronnie's pain this morning and then he started talking about Jon Leiberman. Ronnie said Howard brought that up, not him. Gary said that's true. He said Howard did bring it up.
Jon said Ronnie gets a look of glee on his face when he's talking about that stuff. Ronnie said that Leiberman gets the look of misery on his face. Gary said he thinks that Ronnie enjoys getting under people's skin. Jason said it's a joy getting under people's skin like that.
Gary said he thinks it's hard to be calm and normal when Ronnie is hurling insults at you. Leiberman said that he doesn't like being attacked over his hair. He said there's only so much you can do to defend yourself. Ronnie took his picture earlier and edited it with some app to make him look bald. Ronnie said he is balding and you can tell. He said that he's going bald from front to back and he's going to end up with the bozo sides. He said he should shave his head if he starts to get that bad. Leiberman said he will figure out what to do when that time comes. He said he will try to replicate the hair he has now. Gary asked if he has a comb over. Leiberman said that it's not. He said he's not sure what he means by that. Gary asked if he's combing it over to cover something up. Leiberman said he's not.
Benjy asked Leiberman if he's constantly reading articles about balding cures and things like that. Leiberman said he doesn't think much about it unless Ronnie is bringing it up and making fun of him. Ronnie said he's not doing that. Benjy said he thinks that Leiberman is the generation that will never go bald. He said he thinks they'll come up with something that will stop it.
Leiberman asked Ronnie how he became a PhD in hair. Ronnie said he has a nervous condition where he scratches his head. He said his father had that and his father went bald. Leiberman asked if he's really trying to equate that to his balding. Ronnie said he has a nervous condition. Leiberman said Ronnie thinks he's a neurologist and a psychologist. Ronnie said that's what happened to his father. He said he will get sores on his head and he will keep scratching.
Jason said you can see the picture of Leiberman's scratched head on their Instagram account @SternShow. Ronnie said he'll be putting the bald picture up later on his Twitter account. They went to break after that.
Ronnie said that he is happy with his beard. He said he gets compliments on it. He said he saw the people from AGT and they were complimenting him. He said he wants some grey in there and that's the way he keeps it. Gary said someone said it looks like he painted his house and hasn't cleaned up yet. Jason said it looks like a Calico cat. Jason said if he did a solid color it would look really weird. He said he's not sure how you decide when to color it and not color it. Ronnie said the hair underneath is grey. He said he doesn't color that. He said he does the top of it. He said the roots are gray.
Jon asked Ronnie about Howard unfollowing him on Twitter. Ronnie said that doesn't bother him because he's unfollowed everyone but Jon Hein. Jason said Ronnie is constantly retweeting hot chick of the week pictures. Ronnie said he answers people too. He said he's not always posting those pictures.
Gary said he sees some of Ronnie's tweets every morning. He said that he tells people they're going to be live and things like that. Ronnie said he has a girl who wishes him a good morning every day. He said he responds to her too.
Gary said Jason is getting on Jon's nerves very slowly. Gary said he hasn't stopped talking since he got there.
Benjy asked Gary if Howard followed him. Gary said he did but then someone told him that he stopped. Gary said he thought that was odd until he said he stopped following them all. Gary said that he figured he would want to see what they were up to but now everyone reports back to Howard anyway so he can't get away with anything.
Gary said he really doesn't need Twitter. He said when he was promoting his book the book company got him into it. He said now he gets some tidbits about guests and stuff like that but he doesn't use it that much.
Jason said he and JD got into it when they unfollowed each other. He said JD got upset with the stuff he was retweeting. He said they had a falling out and they ended up making up on Back Office Radio.
Gary said he will retweet a lot. He said he will do that when someone says something funny. He said Sal will retweet a lot of things that people say but it's all positive toward him. He said he likes those compliments. Ronnie said people get annoyed and will start freaking out on you if you do it too much.
Shuli said he used to do this thing on Thursdays where he would have people throw out funny titles of things. He said he would retweet them but people would complain about it because he was clogging up their timelines. He said he'd lose a few hundred that day but they'd be back by Saturday.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what Ronnie's take is on his looks at their age in the studio since that's what he was doing with his hair earlier. Ronnie said he doesn't look at things that way. He said he just likes to break Leiberman's balls when it comes to his hair. He said he's so sensitive to that.
Shuli asked Ronnie who the best looking guy in the room is. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Benjy figured that based on the face it had to be him. Ronnie said he has beautiful eyes. Benjy told Ronnie that he can't swear on his life that he's not the best looking one in there. Ronnie said he's not swearing on anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Leiberman has Photoshopped more hair on his head in his Twitter picture. Leiberman said he has not and that photo is about 3 years old. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from Ralph who said there was a big explosion in Harlem. He said they're not sure what caused it. Gary said it was probably a gas leak. Shuli said it's huge.
Ralph asked when the auditions are. Gary said no date has been announced. He said they haven't decided on a song yet. Benjy said Howard has said he's got two songs he's working on. He's working on ''Hurt'' and ''Across the Universe.'' Ralph asked what instruments they're looking for. They mentioned that JD may have locked down the Triangle. Jason suggested bongos. Ralph said he could do that. Jason said maybe steel drums too.
Ralph asked what other instruments there will be. Jason said most of them are guitars and drums. Steve Brandano said that bass and keyboards are a little light so that's the way to go. He said someone wants to play the Shofar. Benjy said he's the one. Gary said he thinks that it would be cool to play that thing that Stevie Wonder played that was like a harmonica but had a keyboard on the side. Jon told Ralph to try the harmonica.
Ralph said he can play a few songs on keyboard but only 30 seconds of it. Ralph said he needs to know what son to play. They told him to practice on Hurt.
Ralph got in another plug for GEEKTIME and said it's on Thursday at 3. Jason said he's looking forward to it because he has no idea what a Bitcoin is. Ralph said it's interesting. Jason said that someone could hand him anything and tell him it's a Bitcoin and he'd think they were telling him the truth.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they had a son or daughter who was 22 years old and came to them saying they were gay, how would they handle it. Gary said if you don't have an inkling that's happening then you're probably not a good parent. He said what he would do is say that he loves the child. He said he's had some friends who went through that and what are you going to do? Jon said he'd be okay with it. He said he'd be happy for them as long as the other woman made them happy.
Jason asked Gary what he would do if his son came home and said that he had an experience at the Frat where they touched and licked and he was confused. Gary said he doesn't think guys are generally confused. He said women may get confused but guys know what's going on. Jon said most college students won't have that conversation with their parents. He said they're going to do their own thing.
Benjy asked what they'd do if their kid came home and said they were gay. No one knew what he was talking about. Benjy said he thinks that Gary said something to a caller one day that you love and accept your kid no matter what they are. Gary said he doesn't see it happening these days as much as it used to where people kick their kids out of the house for that stuff.
Jon said Sal is there now and he wants to recap with him on the Twitter thing and how he retweets a lot of compliments on Twitter. Sal said he favorites a lot but doesn't retweet a lot. Gary asked what the difference is. Sal said that you don't bother your followers if you just favorite.
JD said that whenever someone bashes you then Jason will favorite it and you get a notification for that. Jason said that JD gets the update if he favorites it.
Gary asked if anyone can figure out a way to see who of his followers are verified. Benjy said there is a web site that does that.
Sal said what he does is follow people who request him to follow. He said he has a private twitter page for people he cares about. He said he has some things that he follows like inspirational quotes and things like that. Jon asked if that's his ''Tony Jovinelli'' account. Sal said it's something like that. Sal said he doesn't mind following people but if you want to squelch it down you just make up another account.
Jon asked if JD is happy Howard follows him. JD said he's fine either way. He said he'd be okay if he unfollowed him. Benjy said JD was the second person that Howard ever followed. He said first was the Biz guy from Twitter. He said it's very easy to see who he follows since he follows so few people.
Jon said that Gary checked out a guy who tweeted something to him. Gary said he saw that he had like 12 followers and he had over 2,500 tweets. He said he could mock one of his family members but he won't do that.
Benjy said it's the worst when you get a hate filled tweet and then you go on their account and see they love kittens and stuff like that.
Gary asked what the worst thing Sal has ever been Tweeted was. Sal said the insults are all the same. He said he could tweet something about a belt buckle and they all go to the same well every time. He said it's always about his wife and the 143 thing. Jason said it's always about his weight. JD said he will tweet about a movie and someone will reply asking how many spoons are in the movie. Gary said it's easy to go for the jugular and go after something else.
Jon asked Shuli what updates he has. Shuli ran down a list of what they had coming up today. He mentioned they have a story about Gary's toe nail fungus. They have a bunch of other things in the news like a story about Bobo putting off his anal fissure operation because it would interfere with the AGT auditions. They had a few plugs to get in and then they ended the show. They were done around 11:05am.