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Howard started the show talking about the big father's day weekend. Howard said he got his dad the gift he gets him every year. He said he called to thank him but his dad can't hear very well. He said he has like 70 percent hearing loss. Howard said his dad called and he couldn't hear a word he was saying. Robin said they should get something to type back and forth. Howard said that will never happen. He said they gave up after getting an answering machine. He said there are devices out there to help them but his mother doesn't want it in the house. He said she'll say it takes up too much room in the house.
Howard said his parents have a living room they haven't sat in since 1967. He said they have a piano in there that never gets touched. Howard said they could take out the dining room table and put in a technology room. He said they never have anyone over to their house to do anything.
Howard said his parents have a TV room to watch TV in. He said they didn't even want an answering machine. He said he had to talk them into getting it. The whole voice mail thing is what convinced them to get it. He said they won't get TiVo. Ben still uses a VCR to tape.
Howard said he's tired of this same story being told over and over again. He said all of the romance was taken out of the story between Lois and Superman.
Howard said he hates going to the movie theaters. He said he went to a theater in Long Island and it was so cold they were all shivering. He said he could feel his body shaking. He said forget that. They say the movie is going to go on at 4:15. He said you can forget that. He said he got there at 4. Howard said he watched the previews and the movie didn't start until 4:45. He said that you don't say a movie starts at 4:15 and then start it 30 minutes later.
Howard said they ran the Lone Ranger preview twice. He said he's not sure what the hell is going on with that movie. He said Johnny Depp is playing Tonto and that make up is just as bad as blackface. Howard said he'll go see that movie though. He said he loves the Lone Ranger.
Gary came in and told Howard about the pain in he had in his foot. Gary said he went to see Dr. Sarno's associates since Sarno has passed his practice on. He said he went to the doctor and they figured out what was wrong and got him going. He said he's fine now. Howard wished the woman luck on her operation. Howard said that operation will fix her good. Howard said he doesn't have time to tell people what's really going on. He said you have to do your research.
Howard said he's been through the mill with that whole thing. He said that he's told everyone about Sarno's book about 50 times. He said you have to research. He said they have a multi-billion dollar business going on with surgery.
Howard said he has heard himself preaching so he's not going to do it again. He said that he did hear about Gary getting some procedure done and he had to step in there.
Howard said Ronnie has a theory about his girlfriend squirting and he says it's not pee. Howard said he thinks that it's female ejaculate. Howard said he's grossed out just talking about this. He said he was on the Dr. Fisch show and they did some testing to figure it out. Howard said Ronnie thinks he's an expert on sex. Howard played a clip of Ronnie talking about this with Dr. Fisch and Shuli. Ronnie said that it's not piss but Fisch was saying that it is urine. Ronnie said he's an expert on Vagina even though he's not a doctor.
Ronnie asked Dr. Fisch why a woman can blow a major load and still urinate. Dr. Fisch said that a man only has about a teaspoon of ejaculate and Ronnie broke in and said that he has about a half a cup. Howard said Ronnie has some opinion of himself. He thinks he blows half a cup. Howard said this is how he's losing weight. He said he hears him talking about this and he can't eat.
Howard said Ronnie has a rage and a hostility about him. He played a ''Sexy Tip from Ronnie the Limo Driver.'' This one was about how to make a girl cum without fucking her. He was talking about pushing the tip of his penis on her clit. Howard was cracking up hearing that. Howard said he has that Ronnie love voice in that clip. He said he should be in jail with that. Howard asked what that voice is. Robin said that's his love voice.
Howard played another one of Ronnie's sexy tips where he was talking about rubbing a woman's boob and how they start to purr. Howard got a laugh out of that one too. Howard said he must watch porn and get all worked up. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Ronnie talking about that.
Howard said just imagine making love to Ronnie. He said it's like a big, squishy party. Howard played another Sexy Tip where Ronnie was talking about playing with a woman's ass and how to tickle the asshole. Ronnie said that if it's a guy you can tickle their balls. Howard said ''What!?'' Howard asked what that was about. Fred did his impression of Ronnie talking about that. Howard threw in some animals that he might mess with too. Howard asked what he was talking about. Robin and Fred were telling him that he was talking about messing with the asshole.
Howard asked how he became such an expert. Robin said with vagina he has Howard beat. Gary said Ronnie is downstairs getting their guest even though they're not due for 40 minutes. Howard asked why he has to be down there. Gary said that sometimes they won't show up with ID and Ronnie is the only one they'll let get a guest in there. Howard said he's having this discussion and Ronnie isn't there. Gary said he didn't know Ronnie wasn't there. He said that he'd prefer that Ronnie was up there but he went down without saying.
Howard took a call from Gay Ramone who said that he was eating his oatmeal as he heard that half a cup of cum. He said all of that oatmeal came up when he heard that. Ramone told Howard that he enjoys him on America's Got Talent.
Howard said he saw that Linda Stasi wrote a nice article about him in the paper this morning. Howard thanked her for that. Howard read some of the article where she wrote about AGT and how good the new season has been. Howard said she likes that they've stopped aping for the camera this season and they're just letting the contestants do their thing.
Howard said Man of Steel made over 100 million. He said Seth Rogen's new movie made 20 million which was second place to Man of Steel.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that he didn't want to hear this sex talk at 6:20 in the morning. He told Howard that the shooting a load thing is a guy thing and not a chick thing. He said he's not sure what Ronnie is talking about. Howard said these women will tell you anything and Ronnie is living in a warped world. Howard and Ralph were talking about how they wouldn't be into that squirting thing. Ralph said he'd be out of there if a chick was spraying stuff on him.
Ralph said he thought Lois Lane was great in the Man of Steel movie. Howard disagreed. He said she wasn't that hot. Howard said that Lois Lane had black hair too. He said they keep getting these blondes in there. Howard asked who can act that has black hair. JD was in and said that Katy Perry would be good. Howard told him to get out of there. JD said maybe Jessica Biel. Howard said she'd be good. Robin said she's a horrible actress. Howard said he didn't know that. He just goes by what he reads in the paper.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ronnie talking about the sex thing sounds like he's talking about doing the hokey pokey. He did an impression of Ronnie that was pretty funny.
Howard said maybe Baba Booey will outlive the show. Howard said that could be their legacy. He said 50 years from now he and Robin will be watching golf and people will be talking about how it got its start on a radio show many years ago. Howard said they used to yell Fore but now they yell out Baba Booey.
Howard said the PGA thing was in Philly so that's definitely a Stern crowd. Howard said the announcers don't even mention anything about it. He said one guy yelled out ''fried chicken'' and the announcers did explain what that was about. Howard played that clip too.
Gary said he was talking to someone in the entertainment business and he said they're trying to figure out a way to curtail the Baba Booey thing. He said he's not sure why they would want to do that. It gets people to tune in and watch the game. Robin said that's what she does. She'll watch the game just to see a Baba Booey shout out. Howard said they brought Robin to the game.
Howard said he had a local ABC channel Baba Booey mention. He played that and a guy was yelling out Baba Booey and that Joey Boots is gay on Twitter.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that it's not that easy to do a Baba Booey shout out. She said that she's done it. Mariann told Howard not to forget that he's on Jimmy Fallon tonight. Howard said he did forget. He said he wasn't going to show up. Mariann said that Joey Boots' protégé is the one doing the shout outs. Howard hung up on her in the middle of that.
Howard said he is doing Fallon today and he couldn't be less excited about doing it. Howard said he has done it all and he doesn't like doing things like this. Robin said he hasn't made a woman squirt. Howard said that's true. He hasn't made a woman purr either.
Howard said he used to run to do the Letterman show. He said they have so much going on with his show and AGT and all of that and he doesn't want to do these other shows. Howard said he likes Jimmy but he's not all that charged up about doing it. He said he has so much to do at work today. He said they don't tape until 4:30. He said that it's like the movies and they don't start on time. Howard said it's his whole fucking day that's shot. He said that he will throw in a couple of plugs for AGT and SiriusXM on the show.
Howard said that he did a pre-interview on Friday. He said he doesn't stick to what they talked about. Howard said they asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. Howard said he said ''not really'' but then he started doing a rap about the stuff that he's talked to guests about lately. Howard said he has no recollection about what he talked about in that pre-interview. He said that he had a great conversation and that's what he could have talked to Jimmy about.
Howard said he had this conversation and had a great time. He said they should have recorded it and played it on the air. Howard said Alyssa Milano is going to be on the show with him tonight. Robin said that they were tweeting for a bit. Howard said he thinks he did. He said he probably won't see her there anyway. He said he'll just stay in his dressing room and not say hello to anyone.
Howard said he'd rather go on and interview Jimmy about taking over the Tonight Show. Robin said that the new late night wars are going to be between Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he's going to have to pick one to support. He said that one of them should have to change their name. Howard said that Fallon should change his name to Jay.
Howard said that once they go on head to head he's going to have to pick. He said he's really friendly with Kimmel. He said he's going to have to choose sides. He said this might be his last appearance on Fallon. He said he may end up doing neither show. Howard said he knows Kimmel will be bummed if he does Fallon's show when he's competing against him. Howard said he doesn't really care anyway. He said that Kimmel comes on the show more than Fallon so he has to go with that. Howard said Fallon hasn't be on in a long time. Howard said he'll have to pick that way. He said that if they come on his show he'll go on theirs or something like that.
Howard said he thinks that they act like they're friends but they really hate each other. Howard said that's what they have to do. He said he thinks that they both hate each other. Robin said she can't imagine Kimmel hating anyone. Howard said he doesn't know for sure but he thinks they do. He said Kimmel hasn't said anything to him about it.
Howard said that neither one of them are going to be the king of late night. He said that audiences are so fragmented that it just can't happen.
Howard said Scott Thorson is there. He said that Dennis Hof bailed him out of jail. Howard said Dennis hired him to work at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said that way he can keep an eye on him. Robin said she thought that Boober was bi-sexual. Howard said they'll talk to Scott. Robin said just wait until he sees his face. She said it's interesting. She said he sort of looks like Liberace. Howard said he'll take a break and let him know what his problems are with the Liberace movie. Robin said it's not a Liberace movie, it's a Scott Thorson movie. Howard said whatever and went to break.
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Howard came back and had Scott Thorson come in. Howard said that he does kind of look like Liberace. Howard said that the surgery really did work. Scott was a little dry so Howard had the guys bring in some water for him.
Howard asked where he got money to get his jewelry from. Scott said that his movie is a big hit on HBO. He said he owns a percentage of the film. He said that it's a number one hit on HBO. He said he hasn't gotten money yet. Gary said that Scott is afraid that he wont get his money. Howard said he may not. He asked what he's getting a percentage of. Scott said that it was supposed to go to the theaters. He said that HBO took the gamble and put it on and it's the number one movie on HBO. Howard said he had a problem with the movie. Scott said he did too.
Howard told Scott that he felt it was more the Scott Thorson story but it painted him as a guy whose life was destroyed by Liberace. He said that there was probably a different side to the story. He said that he felt it was kind of unfair to Liberace because it made him look like a complete scumbag.
Scott said that they put him through a lot in the 80s. He said they paid his brother $20,000 to testify against him. He said they put him through hell.
Howard asked Scott how many years he did in jail. Scott said it wasn't years. He did 99 days for credit card fraud. He said that his friend got him in trouble just for being with him when he found a wallet. Scott said that he did do some jail time for drugs too.
Scott said that he had anal cancer and he was on a bunch of drugs for that and that triggered his addiction. He said he had a lot of things going on and he got back on drugs because of that. He said he got on coke again and that got him out of bed. Howard asked where he is with the cancer. Scott said he hopes he's not dying. He said they gave him an 80 percent chance. He said that he's going to go back out to Nevada to get checked out.
Howard asked Scott if he took anal at all. Scott said he's never done it at all. He quickly changed the subject and talked about Matt Damon and Michael Douglas playing gay in the movie. Howard said that Scott is upset about some things in the movie. Scott said that he never even met Matt Damon. He said he called Jerry Weintraub and they told him that he couldn't have anything to do with the film. Scott said that Jerry has a big ego but he loves the guy because he's a good producer.
Howard asked Scott about how amazing it was to get Michael Douglas and Matt Damon to be in the movie. Scott said Debbie Reynolds was good too. Scott said he hasn't heard from any of them in the movie.
Howard asked if Scott would still be in jail if Dennis Hof didn't bail him out. Scott said that Jerry was supposed to bail him out but they backed out of it. He said the bail was $15,000 cash and it's refundable. He said that Dennis has been helping and he's paid for his legal defence. Howard asked why he thinks that Dennis did that. Howard said it seems like it might be for publicity. Scott said that he's the hottest thing in the business right now so maybe that's it. Scott said he's going to drop the bomb on everyone with his second book. He said that will be called ''Beyond the Candelabra.''
Howard asked Scott why so many celebrities were trying to have sex with him. Scott said he has about 9 inches of cock. Howard asked if that's what sealed the deal for Liberace. Scott laughed and said it did. He said he was only 16 when he met Liberace. He said if this happened today then he would have gone to jail. Scott said they thought he was a prostitute and that just wasn't the case. He said that he sued Liberace for palimony for throwing him out of the house. He said that he was with him from 16 to 32. Howard said he thinks that he would owe him something for that. Howard said he took a naive boy and turned him into his lover. Howard said that's not right to just throw him out.
Howard said that Scott was a young stud and he didn't have to prepare for anything because guys just wanted to be with him for his looks. Scott said he would walk down the street and have 50 cars pulling over for him. He said now he walks out on the street and everyone knows who he is. Howard said that it must be hard for him. Scott said he has no problems.
Howard asked Scott if he's still fucking guys. Scott said that they're getting ready to sign a deal for a reality show of him working at the Bunny Ranch. He said he's going to be the pink bunny boy.
Howard asked Scot about what he's said about Michael Jackson. Scott said that Lee (Liberace) introduced him to Michael. He said he and Michael got to be good friends. Howard said that the sadness about his life is that he was gay and wasn't able to come out of the closet. Howard said that's the toughest thing. Scott said Liberace was like that too. He said Rock Hudson is another. Howard said that it's amazing that Liberace sued a newspaper for saying he was gay and he won. Howard said that women believed that he was straight.
Scott said that Lee asked him once if he thought people thought he was gay. Scott said he told him that no one else comes out with so many pink flamingo feathers on stage so they all knew he was gay. He said he loved Lee and he was a great showman. He said he blames a lot of this on the management.
Howard asked if he was there when Liberace was dying. Scott said he was there at his bed side. Scott said that it was a great love story. He said that Lee loved him and he was told that he never loved anyone like he loved him.
Howard asked if he really was attracted to Liberace. Scott said that he was attracted to Liberace. He said he wasn't able to get hard the first time he was with him. Howard asked if he blew him the first time. Scott said he did. He said he wasn't very good at doing it though. He said Liberace couldn't deep throat. Scott said he didn't have a very attractive penis. He said he had it pumped up with silicone and it was uncircumcised. Howard asked if he was small. Scott said he guesses so. Howard asked if it's true that he used a penis pump. Scott said that's true. Howard said Flip Wilson had one of those things installed in his penis. Scott said that Liberace did have some kind of bag that he would pump.
Scott said he got pissed at Liberace for flushing his coke down the toilet. He said he flushed an ounce of it down so he was chasing him around the house because of that. Scott said he ended up ripping his wig of his head. Howard asked if he was completely bald. Scott said he didn't have much hair other than on the sides.
Howard asked about the Michael Jackson thing again and Scott told him that he got close to Michael in 1982 after he broke up with Liberace. He said that he did mess around with Michael before that. He said when he was still with Liberace he was with Michael. Scott said he and Michael were the same age. Howard asked how Michael's penis was. Scott sad that it was like 6-7 inches. Howard said that's not that small. Scott said that it was pretty small compared to him. Howard said he's doomed if that's small.
Howard asked Scott if he blew Michael Jackson. Scott said yes. He said that he was the great kid. He said it's very sad what happened to him. Scott said that he and Michael got along very well. Howard asked if Michael's face was fucked up at that point. Scott said that it wasn't back then. He said that he was the one who started that. He said that all three of them got surgery at the same time. He said that they were all bandaged up and driving around together. He said that they were all very tight. Scott said that Michael was a great kid. Howard asked if Michael ever did Liberace. Scott said no to that.
Howard asked if it's true that he had sex with young boys. Scott said he thinks that's untrue. Howard asked how he kept that whole thing a secret. Scott said that his people thought it would be best if they didn't do that. Scott said he had to take lie detector tests back then and he passed. He said Michael refused to take the test.
Howard asked why he betrayed Michael and told the world. Scott said it's his life story. He said he was putting his book together and that was the truth. Howard asked if he ever saw Michael record. Scott said he was there in the studio with him for some song recordings. He said he was a good friend. He said he had a lot of problems. He said he wasn't in love with him. Howard asked if it was because he was a kook. Scott said you can't top Liberace.
Howard asked who was good in bed. Scott said Michael was boring in bed. Howard asked if he ever role played as Peter Pan or anything. Scott said he didn't. He said the first night he was with Liberace he was in full stage make up. He said that he wanted to look pretty for him. He said he was a great guy though.
Howard asked Scott about how Liberace looked naked. Scott said that it was all good other than that cock. He said that Michael had a very thin body. Howard said he seems like a guy who would want to dress like a woman. Scott said Michael used to be so good looking.
Scott said that he was with Michael for 6 years. He said he was in prison when he died. Scott said that Michael was a fun and loving guy. He said they were outside of Buckingham Palace once and they dared one of the guards to move for $10,000 and the guy ended up taking the money.
Howard asked Scott if he fucked Michael. Scott said he didn't. He said they just blew each other. Howard said it seems like a do nothing kind of sex life. Scott said he was very shy and a great kid. He said he was so sick of the whole thing though. Howard asked why he didn't want him to put it in his backside. Scott said he was too big. Howard asked how long it took him to put it in Liberace's ass. Scott said after the first time Lee said that he wasn't used to it and he was a bit sore. He said that he was doing amil nitrate at the time too. Howard asked if there was any turds in there. Scott said he made him douche before doing it.
Scott said that Liberace was a kick in the ass and they had a great time together. Howard said this is fascinating. Howard said that his next book is going to be coming out eventually. Scott said they'll call it either ''Shattering the Candelabra'' or ''Beyond the Candelabra.''
Howard asked Scott about what prison was like. Scott said he had a great time in prison. He said that he had $50,000 in a trust and he ended up buying drugs and cell phones and tobacco while he was in there. He said that the guards in the corrections facilities are the most corrupt. He said that it was easy to get all of that stuff. He said that he was close to Charles Manson in prison too. He said that he got to talk to him while he was in there. He said he had a great time there. He said everyone wanted him. Howard said he was like the hot girl in prison.
Howard asked if he had sex in prison. Scott said he got his cock sucked a few times. He said he didn't do that to anyone else though.
Howard said that Scott was given up to adoption at 6 years old. Scott said that his mother was manic depressant and she had to give him up.
Howard asked how the food was in prison. Scott said it was horrible. He said that he was able to get Burger Barn and he was watching movies and eating popcorn in there too. He said it wasn't so bad.
Howard took a call from Wood Yi (Audio clips) who was asking Scott if he could suck his cock. Scott was laughing at some of the things he was saying. Scott asked to see Howard's penis. Howard said he would laugh at him.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he thought the Liberace movie was great. He said that Scott was doing good until he got into the drugs. Scot said that it was Liberace who got him into that. Ralph asked how he convinced him to get plastic surgery. Scott said that he did it for Liberace. He said he was only 18 when he did it.
Howard asked Ralph how big his cock is. Ralph said that he's like 8 inches. Howard asked if that's true. Ralph said no. The guys showed a picture of Ralph and Scott seemed to like what he was seeing.
Howard said that he read that Liberace knowingly gave a few young men AIDS. Scott said that he did. He said that he was lying to people about what his problem was and saying that he had some kind of anemia. Scott said that he went to their doctor and he outright lied to him about what it was. He said that Liberace came to him and told him what he had.
Howard said it is amazing how much he looks like Liberace. Scott asked if that's true. Howard said it really is. He said it's amazing what they can do.
Howard said Dennis Hof is a good guy. He got Scott out of jail. Scott said that he's a great guy. He said they're doing great and Dennis is happy with what he's doing. He said that he's not even asking for the money back that he's spending. Scott said he's not a bad guy.
Robin asked if Michael's penis was really discolored. Scott said that he had a skin disease and it was discolored. He said that he had that vitiligo disease.
Scott said he wrote that book (''Behind the Candelabra: My Life With Liberace'') back in 1988 and he didn't get a lot of money from it. He said that he ended up selling drugs for the drug cartel. He said he was selling meth and they cracked down on them. He said he did 4 years for selling meth. Howard said that's a lot of time. Scott said it wasn't so bad for 5 pounds of meth.
Howard said that he'd watch this reality show that he's talking about doing with Dennis Hof. Howard said that he's shot out of a cannon this morning. He wished him luck with his anal cancer. Howard said that Dennis is known for bailing people out and then asking them to get plastic surgery to look like him. Scott got a laugh out of that. Howard went over some of the stuff they learned today and said they learned a lot. Howard asked if he ever had a day where he and Michael blew each other multiple times. Scott said they did it twice in one day once. He said they had just come back from Paul McCartney's place.
Scott said that he got a blow job from Liberace in Lincoln's bedroom at the White House. Howard asked if Michael spit or swallowed. Scott said he spit but then he said that Michael didn't let him finish in his mouth. He said he must not like that. Scott said he doesn't like that either. Gary came in and said that he read that Michael and Scott had an hour long love making session. He asked what they did. Scott said it was a lot of kissing and hugging.
Howard asked Scott if Michael ever sang to him. Scott said he didn't. He said that they did go to the recording studio and he sang there. Scott said that they had girls who would come up to Michael and when they saw him they would shit their pants. He said they would literally shit their pants.
Howard started to wrap up with Scott. They were still talking about the sex stuff and Howard said he's exhausted from this. Howard said that it's exciting to have a movie made about their lives. Scott said not that many people can say that.
Scott said that Beyond the Candelabra was picked up all across Europe. He said that it's huge. Howard gave Scott a plug for his new book and said you can check out BunnyRanch.com as well. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked if Rick Rubin produces every record now. Gary said that it does seem that way. He said that Ross Zapin told him that Rick lays in a bed while he's producing the songs. He said that Rick was laying in a bed for the commercial that aired last night. Howard said Rick does a lot of wild stuff.
Howard said the music business is so fucked up. He said he does like that Robin Thicke song though. He said the video is great too. He said the song is good and the naked women in the video are great.
Howard said Eddie Murphy's new girlfriend is perfect. He said she's like 22 years old. Howard said Eddie and his girlfriend are like 34 years apart. Howard said she is blonde and tight. He said her body is wicked hard. Gary said he was watching a beauty pageant last night and women's bodies are super tight. He said they used to be voluptuous. He said now you could throw a rock at their stomach and it would bounce off. Howard said he loves the Miss USA Pageant. He said he had a clip of Miss Utah screwing up.
Howard said that someone told him that Eddie Murphy's girlfriend is 34. Howard said that's a little closer to his age. He said you know black chicks go nuts when they see that. Robin said that Eddie used to date black women but they must have scared them away.
Howard said that they asked Miss Utah a political question and she didn't have a clue. Howard played the clip and they were saying that women are the primary earners and asked her what this says about our society. Miss Utah was fumbling over her words and was making no sense at all with her answer. Howard said their heads should just explode when they're answering the question. Gary said he likes how she says ''thank you'' at the end of her stupid comments.
Howard said that she could have given such a simple answer about how great equality is. Gary said that they're panicked about what the question is going to be. Howard played another clip where they asked a question about someone exposing public documents and if they should be charged with treason. The contestant was rambling with her answer and wasn't making much sense either.
Gary said he was watching this pageant and the women come out in bathing suits and unwrap as they strut down the runway. He said Trump really knows women. Robin said he knows men, not women.
Howard said some more gay bashing was going on over the weekend. Howard said Pat Robertson was doing his thing again. Howard said Pat was taking about the Boy Scouts letting homosexuals in. Howard played the clip and Pat was going on and on about how great the Boy Scouts have been and how homosexuals are ripping apart marriage and destroying it. Pat said that it breaks his heart. He said that the Boy Scouts is being torn up for a few kids that want to do sex with each other. Howard said that there are a lot of people being harassed and killed over being gay.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who asked if it looks disturbing when he sees Eddie with a white woman or something like that. King said it's disturbing to him. Howard said that King wants him with a woman like Della Reese or someone like that. King said that these guys don't do what they used to do and it's amazing. Howard said Eddie's girl is super hot. King said she's too skinny for him. King said that Eddie looks so proud and he can't stand him. King said there's just something about him that he doesn't like. He said he's not funny anymore. Howard thanked him for the call. King said that Chris Rock is going to ruin the new Adam Sandler movie too. He said he loves his stand up but when he's in a movie he ruins it. Howard said he didn't ruin the first one. King said he tried to though. King said there's something about Chris Rock's hand movement that's weird.
Howard said he has to take a break and get to more stuff. He said he has four envelopes left where they have the wives of the staff talking about who they would like to sleep with and never want to sleep with. Howard said AGT is going to be on at 8pm instead of 9 this week. He said that drives him crazy. He said they just got their time set and now they've changed it for this week. Howard said he has to get over that but it can make him crazy.
Howard said he listens to Deep Tracks a lot on SiriusXM. He said that he likes listening to that but all of a sudden the worst DJ came on. He said it was Tom Petty. He said that he was playing shit from the 50s that you've never heard of. Howard said that they love to prove their musical knowledge and he had to turn it off. Howard said that guy is out of his mind. He said they can't just let him play what he wants. He said that he thinks he's just showing off for other rock stars and for Meg. Gary said they're working on getting the audio.
Howard said that no one in management can be listening to that. Howard said it can't just be him listening. He said that he didn't last long with it. He said that he hears some great stuff on that channel but this was wild shit. He said it was 1950s music. Howard said it could have been from before that. He said he can't handle that stuff. Howard said it was blowing his mind up.
Howard said someone called Ronnie ''Batmund'' on Twitter. He said he still has his Batman beard this week. Howard said he thinks that's a great name for him. He said he thinks they got some song parodies about him too.
Howard said he had a clip of Brian Fisher railing against the Boy Scouts. Howard asked where this guy is from. JD said he's from the American Family Association. Howard played the clip and this guy was talking about the BSA not standing for the Boy Scouts of America but for Boy Sodomizers of America. Howard said they make it seem like every boy in the Boy Scouts is gay. He said that they should disband that whole thing. He said that they don't need this going on. Howard said his mother wanted him to join and she said she would be the den mother. Howard said he chose to take piano lessons instead. He said that he can imagine her as the den mother. Howard did his impression of her and what she would have done as the den mother. He said it would have been a nightmare. Howard said that he had her at home all day and he didn't need her as a den mother.
Howard said when his mother drove the car pool in high school it was horrible. Howard said his mother would lecture him all day long. He said most of the kids in the car pool were vomits but his mother would go on and on about how they didn't say hello to her. Howard said it was rough. He said he just wanted to get the fuck out of there and out of high school. He said he wanted out of that fucking house too. Howard said he would get a 2 hour lecture about how awful those kids were.
Robin asked Howard if they've ever heard from any of those kids. Howard said one of them was particularly obnoxious and he found him at a block party once. He said that guy said they should be friends but Howard said he didn't need any friends now. Howard said he could have been nice back then but he wasn't. Howard said he had gone to nursery school with him and then they got into high school and he never even said hello.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he listens to the show all the time. He said he might not listen ''no more'' after his Boy Scouts comments. Howard said they're fine. He said he doesn't give a shit if this guy listens to the show. He said if that offends him then how could he not be offended by the other comments he's made on the past 10,000 shows. The caller said that he had a guy as a scout master. Howard said that's what he would have wanted. The caller said he thinks that the Boy Scouts was great and he got a lot of awards. Howard said he doesn't have to put up with him anymore anyway. The caller said he thinks he's a prick anyway. Howard said he doesn't give a shit. Howard said that's such a dumb reason to be offended. Howard said he can't argue with a guy from Kentucky about the Boy Scouts.
Howard played more of this Brian Fisher tape where he was talking about the Boy Scouts and this decision to let homosexuals in the group. He was quoting some scripture and going on and on about how wrong this is. Howard said that he should shut up. He said the guy is a loud mouth asshole. Howard said he fucking hates people. Robin said that now he'll get a call from a listener saying they're offended that he said he hates people.
Howard played a clip of a reporter saying ''I pledge allegiance to the fag'' after a story about the Boy Scouts.
Howard said they got a lot of email about Seth Rogen and how great he is on the show. Howard got some email about America's Got Talent and how Heidi Klum seems to be into him. Howard said some people thanked him for the Dr. Sarno plugs.
Howard said they got a lot of Teen Mom feedback. He said a lot of people didn't like her. Howard said they pointed out that her math still didn't add up about when she got pregnant. Howard said she still feels the math is right.
Howard got some email about Steven Tyler. Howard read through some of that. Howard said that people thought he and Steven were great together.
Howard said one guy said he looks like shit and he should start lifting weights like a man and gain some weight.
Howard said Kim Kardashian had her baby over the weekend. Howard congratulated her on that and said that JD is already hating her. Howard said that the baby was born 5 weeks early.
Howard said he was thinking about JD with this Teen Mom chick. He said that JD hates her. Howard said someone suggested that they tie up Farrah and JD together for a couple of days. Howard said he thinks that JD would be thrilled to be tied to a woman that long. Howard said he thinks that JD would die to have sex with her. Howard said he really does. Howard asked JD if he wanted to try that experiment. JD came in and said he doesn't want any part of helping to promote her. He said he doesn't want to have sex with her. Howard said they tied JD up to Jared. JD said he's not looking for that again. JD said that he isn't into her at all. He said he would rather be tied to Jared. Howard said he sees that Jared is back there now. JD said he is but he doesn't want to be tied to him.
Howard said JD was in Spy magazine for calling her out on the show. Howard asked JD why he was retweeting her articles. JD said he just did it with one. He said he thought it was funny. Howard let JD go a short time later.
Howard said he was just learning how to say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and then they elected a new guy to take over. Howard said he's not sure what will happen to that guy now that he's not the president. Howard said he may go to Hollywood and punch up scripts with Jackie Martling. Howard said the guy replacing Ahmadinejad is Hassan Rouhani.
The caller said it seems like he doesn't get along with the new judges on AGT like he did with Sharon. Howard said it's fine. He said they edit out a lot of the banter. He said that the other three do hang out more than he does. He said that they go out to dinner and work out together and things like that. Howard said he goes home and goes to bed so he can get up early for work. Howard said Howie is like the fun mom who gets to hang out and he's like the dad.
Howard took a call from a guy who sounded like he might have been sleeping. Howard yelled for him and the guy was there but his phone connection was awful too. The caller said he was falling asleep. Howard said he knows. The caller said that the AGT show must be boring to him. Howard said he's there to judge talent and not there to be on boats. Howard told the guy to go back to bed and hung up on him.
Howard said he has the Tom Petty audio to play. He played some of his Deep Tracks segment where he was playing some really obscure stuff. He was playing obscure stuff from Booker T and the MGs. Howard said that was the most known song that he played. Howard asked who talks like that. He said it sounds like he's trying to talk without moving his lips. Howard said he was so proud to be an announcer after hearing this. He said it must not be that easy to be an announcer.
Howard said he really didn't know what was going on with this show. He played more of the audio and it had some echo on it that didn't sound right. Howard asked JD if he added effects to it. Howard played more of the clip and said that he's a fan of that channel but he had to turn it off when this was airing.
Howard said that he was so obscure that the only person listening was Meg Griffin. Howard played another clip where Tom was talking about some other obscure song. Howard said he's very out there with that stuff. Howard said that's some wild stuff. Robin said it really is. Howard said that he saw Tom Petty playing in a living room of a guy's house and he was great at performing. He said he became a fan of his singing but not his talking. Howard did an impression of Tom talking about those songs he was playing. Howard asked Fred if he had that Guitar Slim song that Tom was playing. Fred said he's not sure if he can figure out which one it was.
Howard said that was some crazy shit. He said they should do some news. Fred played a Guitar Slim song that was more well known. Howard said that's just not fun. He said it's making him mental. He said he has a very long day today so he's going to take a break. Howard said with any luck he'll be awake for the Jimmy Fallon show. Howard said he's hoping to be home by 6 tonight. He said he hopes Jimmy doesn't do any bits today where he has to get into makeup. Howard said he just wants to sit down and talk and get out.
Howard took a call from a guy who said in Connecticut they were writing into the Boy Scouts saying they would stop giving money if they let gays in. Howard said he can't believe that they can find anyone to be in the Boy Scouts at all. He said Gary's kid was in the Scouts and they went and slept on a battleship.
Howard took a call from Speech Impediment Man who said that Tom was saying a line from that song ''Cinnamon Girl.'' Howard cut him off and said he knows that. Speech also asked if he has spoken to Jesse Ventura about his presidential run in 2016. Howard said that he has not. If they had it would be all over already. Howard said the boys went out and asked some people on the street what they think of that ticket. Howard played the audio and everyone was saying that they would not make things better and it's not a good ticket. Howard said things are not going well. One guy was saying that Howard is a Jew and they have enough Jews around. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said this is the Tom Petty he likes. He said that this is good stuff. Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Howard went on to do a live commercial after that.
Howard said that Chuck Schumer was trying to get movie theaters to start movies when they advertise their start times. Howard said that they need to do that. Howard said he's not going to go back to a theater for a good year now that they've screwed him up. Howard said that the movie theater owners want the movie trailers shorter. He said that they showed the Lone Ranger trailer twice that night. Howard said that's ridiculous. Robin said she's against the outright commercials they show.
Howard said they improved their web site and one of the things he wants to do it blog once in a while. Howard said he went to write something the other day and he was going to have to check his grammar and all of that. He said everyone who follows him is going to check everything he does. Howard said he wasn't going to blog. Howard said he called Jason and told him what he wanted to do. He said maybe he can talk to someone and they'll write it out. Then Jason suggested that they do a video blog. Howard said he could do that but then everyone on staff came up with questions to ask him. Howard said it's not a blog now. He said it's a show. Howard said that the staff will ask the questions and he'll answer them. That's what his blog has turned into.
Howard said Richard Christy wrote questions that are just crazy. He said he asked what the furthest he's ever jizzed. Howard said he asked what kind of beverage he would drink with his ass. Richard came in and said he just wanted it to be silly and fun. Howard said it's not fun. He read some of the other questions that Richard wrote down. He asked a lot of gay sex questions and masturbation questions.
Howard said Richard didn't ask blogging type questions. He said they were all sex questions. Howard said Richard hit the silly meter with the questions.
Howard said that Al Rangone asked who he would rather be stuck in a room with, Sal or Richard. Howard said he thinks Richard. Richard said he would just stay quiet if he was locked in a room. Howard said that he has spent time with Sal and it's not as bad as you'd think. Richard said he went to dinner with both of them years ago. Howard said he did it just once. He said that's all he needs.
Gary said that Jason just reminded him that they played an old clip last week where Sal was trying to figure out who Howard's shrink was so he could go to the same one. Gary said he doesn't seem to be as obsessed with Howard anymore. Howard said Sal is odd. Gary said he used to refer to Howard as an entity. Howard said he's so strange. He said he bets they could get him to that level again. Richard said he loves Sal but they try to get him to do that stuff on the air. Howard asked if he could keep a log of the stuff he says about him. Richard said he's not as obsessed as he used to be. He said if he does say something he'll say it to everyone.
Gary said they want to have Sal pitch stuff to Howard live on the air. He said he has some really wacky ideas. Gary said that Sal wanted to embarrassed Brad Pitt so much that he'd have to come in. He was going to say that they would all shave their heads to get him in there. Sal came in and said Gary has it all wrong. Sal said the pitch is to get the whole staff to shave their whole body and in turn Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will come in to thank them. Sal said if they don't come in then they look great and Brad and Angelina will look like shit. Gary said that's just what he told Howard. Sal said that Gary said that it was to embarrass them. That's the only thing he said wrong though.
Howard asked Sal how that's different than what Gary said. Sal said that it would get them to come in. Howard said he's got the dumbest ideas. Sal said that he would shave his head.
Richard was goofing on Sal about the hair helmet he used to wear to get his hair to grow. Sal now uses Rogaine. Howard told him to stop it. He said he has hair because of his genetics, not Rogaine.
Howard said that Sal is still mad at Ross for being his friend. Sal said he doesn't give a shit about Ross. Howard said that in the back of his mind he must hate Ross. Sal said that a friend would give him a psychiatrist's number. Howard said he could go to a million different ones. Sal said he believes in the referral system. He said that he was referred to one by Jim Florentine. He said he went to the guy for a few weeks. Howard asked how he thinks he found one. Sal said someone referred him. Howard said that his doctor referred him. He said that Sal is such a dodo. He said that he doesn't want to share a psychiatrist with Sal. He said he would stop going to the guy if Sal went to him. Howard said he has some sick fucking thing in his head that makes him think it'll bring them closer. Howard said that's not going to happen.
Sal said they work in a very screwed up environment there. Howard asked how that is because he gets to sit back there creating with Richard. Sal said he doesn't know. Howard asked Sal if he thinks that he would be a better friend than Ross. Sal said no. Howard said he would never want Sal in his home. Sal said that Howard spun the story that he was some weird stalker and he's not. Howard said he is.
Sal said that he went to Richard's house once and his blanket stuck to him like it had pancake batter on it. Howard asked if he jerked off in the bed. Sal said it was sticky. Richard said he used to eat on the bed all the time. He said it could have been jizz though. He said he was single at the time. Sal said that he had fur on his rug and he didn't have any pets. Sal said he was so cold that he put the carpet over himself and it was covered in pet fur.
Richard said that Sal is obsessed with the Long Island Medium now. He said he took that obsession from Howard to that chick. Sal said that she's a wonderful woman. He said he'll shave his head for her. Howard said that he should ask her who her psychiatrist is... if she has one.
Howard told Richard and Sal he had to move on and let them go. Howard did another live commercial read and then a break.
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Howard said he was inspired by Scott Thorson today. He said he's going to get JD to get plastic surgery to look like him. He said he's like the son he never had so that would be good. Howard said JD won't even let anyone visit his apartment. Howard said that the last guy who didn't allow that had 3 women chained up in his basement.
Robin started her news with a story about Jeb Bush talking about his dad George and what a great dad he was. Robin had some audio of that.
Robin read that the Pope was blessing Harley riders around the world yesterday. Robin said that Harley is celebrating their 110th anniversary. Robin said she's not sure why the pope would do that.
Robin read about the winner of the Miss USA pageant. Robin had some clips from the pageant to play. She had some audio of the winner actually making sense when she spoke.
Robin read about the new data center the NSA is building and how they're going to have a Zetabyte of data. Robin had some audio of an official talking about what that means. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a 94 year old Minnesota man who may have been a Nazi general. Robin said they're hoping that an investigation is launched to figure out if he was who they think he is. Robin said the man's son is saying that this is not true.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard mentioned that his parents have a room air conditioner and he's wondering why they don't have central air. Howard said they won't let him put it in for them. Howard said that they don't want his help. Howard said his mother hates central air. Howard said they don't want to hear about it. Howard said it has nothing to do with him. He said his mom won't allow it. He said they hate new things. The caller asked if they ever put up a picture of Scott's bowling ring that Howard bought. Howard said he thinks they did. Howard asked Jason if he put one up. Jason said he hasn't seen it so he hasn't taken a picture. Jason said he'd love to take a picture and put it up there. Howard said he'll get it up there.
Scott came in and said that he has to get it resized. He said that it's too big now but it fit when he got it. Scott said he hasn't had a chance to bring it in. He said he did wear it for about a month around there. Howard told him to bring it in so he can get a photo of it. Scott said he'll do that.
Robin read about a lot of bloodshed going on in Chicago. Robin said a 16 year old was shot by someone on a bicycle there. Robin said it's not clear why there is so much violence going on there.
Robin said in turkey about a million people are on strike and it's causing problems there. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Howard played a clip of a reporter screwing up a line and saying that she had a bit of a ''tongue twat'' instead of tongue twister. Howard played another clip of a FOX news reporter losing her voice in the middle of a sentence.
Howard asked if Robin wanted to hear who Sal's wife would want to have sex with. Robin said she knows that the guy she doesn't want to have sex with is Sal. Howard opened the envelope and said that Doug Goodstein is the one she would like to have sex with. Howard said he was kind of shocked by that. He asked Doug is he was shocked. Doug said he wasn't shocked at all. Sal came in and said that Doug flirts with her at every get together. He said he's always telling him that he will fuck his wife. Howard asked Doug why he's acting like he has nothing going on with her.
Doug came in and missed the conversation with Sal. Doug said it's all very playful and he tells Sal that just to get him worked up. He said Sal's reaction is funny. He said that Sal is obsessed with Marlo so he started in with Christine. Sal said that Marlo tells him about what a pig Doug is. He said that's what women do when they like you.
Sal said that he told his wife that he hates what Doug does and she still picked him. Howard said the one that Christine picked as the one she'd least like to have sex with was JD. Gary said he didn't notice it but the guys in the back say that Doug is very flirty with the wives. Doug said he's just a friendly, nice guy. He said he's never done anything inappropriate. Doug said he never touches anyone. He said Sal does though. Sal said he does not. He said he does like Marlo though. He said she has those great blow job lips.
Howard said he had audio of a guy getting a blow job and having a chick punching him in the balls. He played that clip and said there's a fetish for everything.
Howard had a clip of a father and son fucking the son's girlfriend and her mother. Howard played that clip and you hear the son telling the dad to fuck his girlfriend while he was fucking her mother. Sal told Howard to just imagine Ben Stern in that clip. Howard told him to shut up. Sal was cracking up. Howard said it's the worst that Sal's wife likes being flirted with like that. Howard said nothing goes right for Sal.
Howard said tomorrow he'll get to Gary's wife, Richard's wife and Jon Leiberman's girlfriend. Gary said he wanted to know who was on his wife's list. Howard said he can tell him. Howard opened that real quick and said that the one she picked as her favorite is Sal. Howard said that has to be a joke. Howard said ''Oh my god...'' Gary said that his wife does like Sal. He said that he's one of those whackos who says he would totally fuck his wife. Howard said she got high with him or something. Robin said that wasn't right. Gary said that's the truth. He said that she passed out in Amsterdam and Sal was there. Howard said Sal kind of looks like Gary with those capped teeth. Howard said he's not going to say who she doesn't want to sleep with because he's getting beaten up too much. Robin figured it was JD. She was right. Gary said Mary likes JD but not the way he talks about women. Howard said Sal is into some weird stuff. He said that he'd sleep with that Tan Mom. Sal said he could do that. He said that he'd be able to get it up for her without medication. Sal said he'd fuck Gary's wife side by side with her.
Howard asked how JD is doing. JD said he's fine. Gary sent him into the studio. JD said that he's not very personable and doesn't talk to Christine or Mary that much. Howard said he doesn't think JD is that gross. He said he's not the best looking guy there but he's not the worst. He is very awkward though. JD said that's what the deal is with the interns there. Gary was saying that he's almost universally picked as the ''kill'' in the intern show ''F, Marry, Kill'' game.
Howard said he's worried about JD taking so much abuse there today. JD said he'll be fine. JD said that the interns haven't done the show in a long time so it's not too bad. Howard said maybe Richard's wife picked him too. Howard opened that envelope up too. Howard said Richard's wife Kristin picked Richie Belinson as the one she'd like to have sex with. Howard said she picked Riley Martin as the one she'd least want to have sex with.
Howard checked out Jon Leiberman's girlfriend's picks. He said he was shocked. Howard said this is huge. Howard said that Jenna picked Ronnie the Limo driver as the one she'd like to have sex with. Howard said this was big news. Howard congratulated Ronnie on that. Gary said that he has the last 5 and he could open them now. Howard said he has to end the day at some point. He said they'll do it another day.
Ronnie came in so Howard told him ''way to go!'' He said that the moustache is looking great on him. He said that it's better than what he had. Howard asked Jon Leiberman what he thinks. Jon said this was months ago that she filled it out. He said that they were arguing during that time period. Howard said Ronnie is going to make Jenna pee. Ronnie said that he'd make her squirt. Howard asked Ronnie how he thinks he has a half a cup of a load. Ronnie said that it's more than half a teaspoon.
Howard said the one that Jenna picked at the least likely to have sex with was High Pitch Mike. Howard said of course not, he's gay.
Robin got back to her news and had some updates on the NSA whistle blower Edward Snowden. Robin had some audio of some people talking about Snowden. Howard said that he'd call this guy a traitor. He asked DePace if he would too. Scott said he would call him a traitor. Robin asked how we've been hurt by this. Howard said he'd tell her if he didn't have to do this commercial. He went into a live commercial read a short time later.
Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about what a big deal they make out of any visit he makes. Robin said that he's over in Ireland this week. Howard said he saw a picture of his oldest daughter and she's going to be a stunner.
Robin read about Sarah Palin and something she wants to do. Robin had some audio of her talking and Howard cringed when he heard it.
Robin read about the new President of Iran and had some audio of him speaking through an interpreter.
Robin had some news about Syria and asked Howard what we should do. Howard said we can't get involved in every country's problems. Howard said he's more concerned with movies starting on time.
Robin said that Paris Jackson is not ready to go out on her own so she wasn't able to go to a family wedding over the weekend. Robin said she may spend most of the summer there in the hospital. Howard said this kid has real problems but just imagine if her father was still alive. Robin said these problems have been baking for years. Howard said what would really help her is to get a job. Howard said he has a lot of problems and he's so busy with work he has no time to deal with his problems. Howard said hard work straightens everyone out.
Robin said that Kim Kardashian's baby is an American. Robin said they were going to have it over in Paris but it came early so it was born here.
Robin said that Les Mooves is the highest paid executive the city. Robin said that he was paid $60 million last year. Howard said he has kept the ratings and profits up so they must reward him. Robin said Ralph Lauren came in second with $36.3 million.
Robin read about the U.S. Open golf tournament and how Phil Mickelson wasn't able to pull it off. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:35am.
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Jon asked Sal if he regrets doing any of those things. Sal said no. He said that he finally understands what's going on there. He said it just took some time. Jon asked who he thinks is closest to Howard. Sal said it's probably Gary. He said he wouldn't even ask Howard to come over to his place. He said he'd never put him in that position. Jon said Howard could say no. He said he could invite him. Sal said he wouldn't do that. He said Gary has an edict where if there's the potential to say no then it's probably a no. Gary said that he should invite him even if he thinks it's a no.
Gary said that there have been times where Howard has said that no one is inviting him to anything. He said that he wonders if he's an ogre. Sal said he would love to invite Howard but he would intentionally not invite him so he could be left alone. He said that Howard has already gone off on him for contacting them. He said things are going great and he knows that he doesn't want to be bothered.
Jon said it seems like Sal wishes he were closer. Sal said he's indifferent. He said the only thing he cares about now is just doing a good job. He said that's what makes Howard happy and that's what makes the show great. He said he's just providing the best content he can day in and day out.
Jon said that Sal pitched his Brad Pitt thing today. Gary said that Sal said that he wanted to embarrass them. Sal said that he did not. He said that the whole point was to get Brad Pitt on the show. Sal said he thought it would be nice. He said he'd be willing to shave his head for the children. Gary asked why they would care if he got his head shaved. Sal said that it was to get them to see that they were wiling to do this to get them on the show.
Gary said that Sal wants something in return for getting his head shaved. Sal said that he's doing this for the kids and not for them. He said if they don't come on they'll look bad. He said he's still helping the kids.
Gary said that you do a good deed and you don't look for something in return. That's what the Dalai Lama has said. Sal said that you do things to benefit others and maybe something good happens. Gary said that Sal is confusing doing something good with doing something good to get something you want. Gary said that Sal would look good if he makes this happen.
Jon said that if that's a charitable thing and you don't get someone on the show, is it no longer a charitable thing? Sal said that he's still doing it for charity. He said he doesn't want to do it if it's not going to benefit everyone. He said that he wants Angelina Jolie on the show. Gary asked how it benefits Angelina. Sal said that she's an advocate for cancer. Gary said she's doing her own thing. Sal said that as celebrities they all work together. Gary said he could do this all day with him. Sal said he could too. He said he's just trying to do his job by getting Angelina Jolie on the show. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked Sal what he thought about his wife picking Doug Goodstein today. Sal said it didn't bother him. Gary said it did seem like it bothered him. Sal said that maybe she's just trying to irritate him. Jon said that Sal flirts with Doug's wife too. Sal said he thinks that she likes him. He said she tells him what a pain in the ass Doug is.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks that Sal is off base. Ronnie said no. He said if she's talking about not getting laid then maybe he'd be right. Jon asked if Sal thinks that Mary wants to bang him. Sal said yes. Gary said that she doesn't want to bang him. He said she picked the lesser of all evil there. Gary said she didn't even want to write anything down. Sal said that he's spoken a lot grosser than JD so he's not sure why she picked JD as the least desirable. Sal said he wants her to wrap her legs around his face. He said she's so sexy that he'd put her in a wheelchair. He said she'd be shitting blood for weeks after being with him. Sal said Mary is dynamite and he loves her.
Doug was in and said that he and Will joke around about their wives. He said that he doesn't flirt with anyone else but Sal's wife. He said that it started with Sal being obsessed with Marlo. He said that they're really good friends and they hit it off. He said that their relationship started when Sal called his wife a cunt. He said he was upset with her blowing him off once.
Doug said that he is very respectful with everyone's wife there. He said that he never does anything. He said it's all about getting under Sal's skin.
Doug said that the whole thing is so innocent with Sal's wife. He said that he would never try to hit on her. He said he was surprised that she picked him.
Jon asked Ronnie if he was surprised that Leiberman's girl picked him. Ronnie said no. He said they hang out so it's not a surprise. Jon said that he seems irritated. Ronnie said he's not irritated. He said he asked a question and he answered. He asked if he wants him to dance for him too.
Sal said that Ronnie is great. He said the guy is a computer full of sex tips. He said that he comes up with those tips for the bits they do off the top of his head.
Jon asked Ronnie about saying he had a half a cup of jizz. Ronnie said a half a teaspoon isn't much. Sal said he could shower many with his and make her look like a cupcake. Ronnie said it's got to be more than a half a teaspoon. Gary said he should try it tonight and jerk off into a spoon.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is a bully by picking on Sal the way Howard picks on him. He said it's not cool. He said Jon doesn't do that. The caller said that Gary calls Sal out on things like he's picking on him and Jon doesn't do that. Gary said that Sal has busted his balls for many years and he's doing the same. He said he doesn't look for things to pick on him about.
Sal said that it's tit for tat around there so it's no big deal. He said he thinks that Gary gets a lot of pressure on him and he takes some of that out on him. Sal said Gary is in work mode and he gets upset about things. They took another break a short time later.
Jon said that Scott Thorson had a lot of stories to tell today. Gary said that Scott was a little hesitant at first but by the end of the interview they were talking about sucking balls and deep throating.
Jon asked Gary if he thought Scott looked like Liberace. Gary laughed and said like that and like other things. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
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Howard started the show talking about how he was debating why they get up so early. He said it's absurd. He said he went to bed at 10 last night. He said he stayed up to watch The Bachelorette. He said that's why he's miserable today. Howard said there was no reason to watch it though. He said he has to pause the show every minute to tell Beth what's going on in this world. Howard said one guy on the show is a federal prosecutor. Howard said that they take 6 months off from work to tape this show. Howard said one guy is a plumbing contractor. Howard said he's not sure how they do it. Robin asked how a prosecutor can take that kind of time off. Howard said that's what he's talking about with Beth.
Howard said all of the guys on the show look like they work out all day long. He said they can't be working. Howard said they're not good for Beth and he has to convince her of that. Howard said that this is not normal. Howard said one guy was breaking down in tears after barely being on one date with her. Howard said you don't cry on national TV. He said you're a man.
Howard said one guy gets up and performs a song. He said that night he brought the guitar back out and sang for her one on one. Howard said all of these guys are shitheads. He said playing guitar like that makes her think you're a tool. Howard said then he realized that she's an imbecile. He said she put that guy through. Howard said he was so worked up watching this show. Howard said that Beth kept saying that they'd never get through the show if he kept pausing. Howard said she's the luckiest girl in the world because she gets to hear his lecture.
Howard said there was another guy on the show who wrote a poem. Howard said that's the kiss of death. Howard said he got some alone time with her and read her a poem. Howard said the guy is a fucking idiot. Howard said the Bachelorette started saying ''Ohhhhh'' and the guy is reading his stupid poem. Howard said girls are looking for a guy to have a kid with. He said she's not looking for some guy who writes poetry. Howard said it's shit.
Howard said one guy gets on and he's not a bad looking guy. He said he's just as big of a douche as the rest but the rest of the guys hate this one. Howard said that they're all talking about how they can't stand him. Howard said they talk about telling the girl that he's not there for the right reasons. Howard said the guy sits down and talks about his kid every minute. He said he doesn't answer any of the questions he's asked. Then another guy doesn't have any questions for the girl. He said it made him angry. Howard said that's the guy who cried. Howard said she kicked him right out.
Howard said this show makes him nuts. He said he can't take it. Robin said she hit the record button on that show but she hasn't seen it yet. Howard said she has to see this episode. He said the guys are good looking guys. Howard said one guy looks like he spends his whole day at the gym. He said that makes it look like he wants to look better than the woman.
Howard said that Jimmy flipped out when he saw Ronnie's moustache. Ronnie came in and said that the reason Howard didn't see Alyssa Milano is because her people kept telling her that he was coming out and she'd run in and hide. Howard wondered why that was. Howard asked what that's about. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Howard said that's so dumb. Robin said she thought Alyssa liked him.
Howard said Ronnie likes Fallon. Ronnie said he says hello to everyone there when they go over there. Howard said he really is a nice guy.
Howard had a few clips from the appearance last night. Howard played one where Jimmy introduced him. Howard came out and had to ask what song The Roots were playing. They said it was ''Get Off the Stage'' by Morrissey. Howard was telling them that he doesn't know that music and they could come up with something better. He said they have to get ready for the Tonight Show.
Howard played another clip of himself talking to Fallon about his Video Game Week segment that went on for 10 minutes. Howard asked if he's still playing video games. Jimmy said that he does. Howard said he played Atari but that's over now. He said he did it at the age of 7. Howard said he went on that Call of Duty game and it was a bunch of young white kids calling people the N-word. Howard said they're all brave soldiers but they're not going to say that to The Roots.
Howard played a clip where he was talking to Jimmy about going on at 11:30 and how he may not have the killer instinct in him. Howard said he has to steal guests from Kimmel and Letterman because he can't come on there every night. Howard told jimmy about how he's very close to Kimmel because he's an actual friend. Howard said he has invited Fallon to his house and he hasn't reciprocated. Fallon said he actually did come to his house and that was for a party for Kimmel. Fallon said he doesn't do anything other than play video games all day.
Howard said he likes Jimmy Fallon. He said he's a good dude. Howard said he's glad that Jay isn't going to have a show anymore. He said that Jimmy is a nice guy. Howard said no one likes Jay.
Howard said he heard Mariann there. He didn't see her. Howard had her on the phone. Mariann said that Howard was standing up for like 20 minutes. She said that Jimmy couldn't be nicer. She said it was a great performance. She said that Alyssa might have been shy. Howard had to hang up on Mariann because she kept talking over him. Howard said they had it dark in there but he could hear Mariann. Howard said he heard that voice cutting through. Howard said he recognized that immediately.
Howard took a call from Bobo who asked if it's proper etiquette to let the host sit first. Howard said he just wanted to stand. Bobo was reading his notes and Howard cut him off. Howard thanked him for the call after he said he likes that Blind Melon song. Howard asked if he was there last night. Bobo said that he's getting ready for his family trip so he wasn't able to make it. He said he's going to be in Newsday soon too so he has to do a photo shoot. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard not to worry about those guys on The Bachelorette. Howard said he had to make a living at their age. The caller said he used to live in Florida and he would do casting calls and try to get on shows like that. Howard said he doesn't get how you're a federal prosector and do that show for so long. The caller said he agrees with him on that. Howard said he has to get off that show because he's addicted to it. Robin said it's taking up too much of his life. Howard said she's right. He said he needs help. He said he won't even bring that up to his psychiatrist.
Howard ran down the top 5 and number 5 was Florida Georgia Line's ''Cruise.'' Howard said number 4 was Justin Timberlake and number 3 was Daft Punk and number 2 was Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Howard said number 1 was Robin Thicke. Howard said the chick with the dark hair is hot in the music video for that Robin Thicke song. Howard said he knew the song would be number 1. Howard said the song is huge. He said he'd like to fuck to this song but he's not sure how he'd arrange that.
Howard said he could wait for the song to come on Sirius. He has that in his bedroom so he could just wait. Howard said he could last about as long as the intro to the song. Howard said Beth wasn't that into the song like he was.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's wrong with him. He said that he was ripping Jimmy apart last night. Howard said he was joking around. He said it's like a roast. Howard said he was terrific on the show. Howard said he has to explain it to people. He said if he didn't like Jimmy he wouldn't go on the show. Howard said people were upset with him saying he didn't like video game week. Howard said he likes Jimmy.
Howard said some people are saying that the Robin Thicke song is advocating rape. Benjy found some articles about that. He told Howard that the lyrics suggest that according to some people. Howard said that they have a new Benjy game to play. He played a theme song for the game ''Is It Benjy or an Animal.''
Howard said they were having a writing meeting and they heard him making noises. Howard said Benjy said that he could make the noises and they wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Howard played the first clip which was a rooster sound and it was obviously Benjy. Robin said it was a lame rooster. Howard and Robin both said it was Benjy. Gary came in and said that it was Benjy.
Howard played a clip of a chihuahua and it was obviously a real one. Then Howard played another one of Benjy as a cat. Howard said that this is too easy. Gary said this came up in a writer's meeting and this is what Sal told them about. Howard played a crow sound and it was Benjy again. Howard said it's too obvious. Howard played a cow sound and that was real. Howard said this isn't that all difficult and he finds himself getting annoyed with Benjy. Howard played a kitten sound and thought it was Benjy but it was a real cat. Howard played a cougar and it was obviously Benjy. They played a horse sound and it was a real horse. Benjy did a horse there in the studio and sounded nothing like a horse. Howard played a clip of a dolphin and that was obviously not the real thing.
Gary said they just heard 3 months of work. He said Sal told him that it took that long to put together. Howard asked why that is. Gary said that's what Sal told him. Howard said that should have taken 5 minutes.
Sal came in and said that they had the meeting and he asked Benjy to record the stuff for them. He said that Benjy told him he'd have the stuff for Monday the week after. He said Benjy gave him 3 sounds and they weren't good. He said they wouldn't hold up. He asked him to go back and listen to the YouTube clips and then come back to him again. He said that took about 3 weeks. Sal said he's not saying he's lazy but that's the way that he works. Howard asked what he did for 3 weeks. Benjy said he was doing other things. Howard said that's why it takes months.
Howard said that was worth the wait. It was brilliant. Sal said Benjy sits in the writer's meeting making noises. Benjy said he said that he could do that and he doesn't do it all the time.
Howard said Benjy is as slow as a snail. Richard came in and said that Benjy did something funny at a writer's meeting. He said he was on all fours and he had his ass crack showing. He said Tracey had to yell at him. Howard asked what he was doing. Benjy said he was just sitting in the corner being a dog. Richard said he stopped real quick once Tracey came in and got mad at him. Gary said that she got upset because his ass crack was showing. Howard said he gets that. No one wants to look at that. Howard went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and said that Nick Cannon is there. Howard said he loves this guy. He works with him on America's Got Talent. Howard said this is casual Nick. He asked Nick if they dress him on the show. Nick said he picks out his clothes but they touch him up for the show.
Howard said that he's so tired. He said Nick knows what he's talking about. He said he was up late last night watching The Bachelorette. Howard said he's dragging his ass this morning. Nick said he was in France yesterday. He said he just flew in from that. He said that they were at Cannes Line doing some stuff promoting his MTV2 show and AGT a little bit. He said that he didn't get paid to do that either. He said they were talking about networking and stuff like that.
Howard said that Mariah is constantly working and Nick is too. Howard said that Nick has given up his morning radio show but he's doing so many other things. Howard said he can't be spending much time with his wife and kids. Nick said he thinks he sees them just as much as anyone with a 9 to 5 job. He said he just saw the wife and kids a couple of days ago.
Howard asked Nick about being over in France with Mel B and Martha Stewart. Nick said that's his home girl. He said Martha is great.
Howard said nick spins records at a club in Chicago. He said he knows that Howie Mandel went to see him. Howard said he'd like to do that too but he can't stay up that late. Howard said that Howie, Mel B and Heidi all go out to dinner and hang out. He said he just can't do that. nick said he's like Howard. He said he likes to be by himself in his dressing room. He said he does see them in the gym at the show. He said he thinks that Heidi has the hots for Howard. Howard said Heidi kept asking him about meditating and she wanted to come in his room and do that with him. Howard said back in the day when he was single he would take him into his room and fuck her. Nick said he thinks she's into him. Nick said you can see it on the show. He said she's like putty in his hands.
Howard said he doesn't talk that much on the show but Howie, Mel B and Heidi all talk. He said that Howie got insulted when they said they would never fuck him because he's like a friend. Howard said that he hangs around like a dog with them. Howard said Nick might be right that he could get Heidi. Nick said that they would be into a guy like that. He said he's like the cool guy in school. Howard said they would fuck him because he doesn't just hang out with them. Nick said they're going to get into so much trouble for this conversation. Howard said he stood up for Howie. He said he told the girls that he can get laid.
Howard asked if things are okay with Mariah now. Nick said he got into some trouble last time for talking about masturbation. He said that he wanted to get that out of the way now. Howard said that Nick masturbates to her music. Nick said that's not always his choice. He said that they have an iPod near the bed and they'll play that while they're in bed. Nick said she's the one who puts the music on. Howard said that it's kind of narcissistic but Nick likes the music. Nick said he likes her songs but they'll mix some stuff up.
Howard asked Nick if he likes the Robin Thicke song. Nick said he will mix Marvin Gaye's song into that one and mix it up. He said he'll mix in a Justin Timberlake song too because they have the same BPMs.
Howard asked Nick who can show up at a club at 2 in the morning. Nick said it's usually on a Thursday or Friday. He said that Howard has a crazy work schedule and he feels for him on those long days at AGT. He said he knows Howard is up early usually so he's up whether or not he wants to be up. Howard said he gets crabby on the set. Nick said he loves that. He wishes they would show that stuff on the show. Howard said they don't show that much of that this season. He said they have a great show coming up tonight. Nick said they're doing better than anyone else on TV right now. Howard said they did move the show to 8 tonight. He said he doesn't know why they do that. He said it's very frustrating. He said they were doing well building the time slot and then they move them.
Nick said everyone is loving the show and the chemistry with the judges. Robin said that Nick is more than a host too. She said that he dos so much more than other hosts. Howard said she's talking about Ryan Seacrest.
Robin and Nick were talking about some of the acts that are on the show almost every season. Nick said a lot of the danger acts do that. He said the guy with the swords in his throat was on the first season he was on and he stuck a drill in his nose.
Howard said Nick was like the youngest writer at Nickelodeon. Nick said he was 17. Howard said that he was friends with Amanda Bynes back then. Nick said he tried to reach out to her. He said that he had a normal life before entertainment and he sees what this business can do to kids. He said he's been bullied himself. He said that he grew up in a gang neighborhood. He said a fist fight was a god thing because it meant he wasn't getting shot. Nick said that someone has to be there to tell a kid ''no'' and that doesn't happen with some kids in show business.
Howard asked Nick about going back to his old neighborhood and if he goes back. Nick said he goes back and he has helped them out a bit. Howard said he doesn't have any good feelings about his old neighborhood. Howard said he can't go back. Nick said that he has to go back to remind himself of where he came from. He said that's where he came from and that's what made him Howard Stern. Nick said that he was the one white guy there and that upset him. Nick said Howard can say that made him stronger. Howard said Nick must know what it's like to be a black guy in an all white neighborhood. Nick said that he does some material about that in his stand-up act. He said that he talks about how everyone is racist.
Howard asked Nick how he got a job writing for Nickelodeon. Nick said he was doing stand-up at the time. He said his partner Michael Goldman was managing him and Amanda with a bunch of other kids too. He said he was 16 and Michael told him he wanted to manage him. He said he wrote for All That which Amanda was on. He said that she was like 9 years old so there was no banging going on. He said she was way too young. Nick said she's still like his little sister to him. Nick said to see her now it's really sad. He tried to reach out to her. Nick said that you get to a point in your career where you stop trusting people. He said that there is no one there to create balance for you and you think that everyone is out to get you. He said when you start thinking it's your parents who are out to get you then it's trouble.
Howard asked Nick about when he started dating Mariah and how crazy people thought he was. Nick said that they did think he was crazy. Nick said it was a passion thing. Howard said Nick didn't even have sex with her before he got married to her. Nick said he didn't have to hold out forever. He said that they waited like a month and a half. Howard said that you have to be sure that you're sexually compatible. Howard said that sometimes you don't even like the smell of a woman you date. He said it's not that they stink but they have a smell that you just don't like.
Nick said he was in love with someone who had a horrible stink. He said that you just have to go with it. Howard asked Nick what he does when he's with a girl like that. Nick said you have to be honest. Howard said he can't do that. Nick said that the girl will appreciate that you told her. Howard said he was in that situation once and he was with a woman who had a terrible smell. Nick said that guys are going to smell like balls no matter what. He said that's just how it's going to be. He said women are delicate and you're supposed to smell good. Howard said his wife never has a smell. He said she's on top of that. Howard said she always takes a bath and that keeps it clean down there. Nick said she's soaking it out.
Howard said he was in a relationship with a girl and the smell was so bad down there. Howard said he did nothing but break up. Howard said he never said a word. Howard said he was embarrassed to say something. Howard asked Nick to pretend that he's a girl and tell him that he stinks. Nick told Howard this is afterward and you tell her all of the good things first. Then you mention that you smell something and ask if she smells something. He said she might not smell anything and that means she's in denial. Nick said you have to make sure it's not you. He said you figure out if it's her or you. Then you find it's her and ask her about her diet. Nick said you ask if she eats a lot of garlic. Howard said maybe you ask if she's eating shit. Nick said you talk about her diet and start coming up with yeast infection things and stuff like that.
Nick said that the streets had better be clean downtown. He said that if they want you down there they better make sure it's clean. Nick said that he doesn't care what it smells like if he's in the moment down there. He said that with Mariah it's always like flowers and gum drops. Howard said he hopes that he helped some people out today talking about that. Robin said they should do a public service announcement about that with Nick.
Howard asked Nick if the girl he was with got rid of her stink. Nick said that she did. He said it was a diet thing and she was taking pills to help out. He said that it was also during the time that she was on that monthly thing. He said that she cut back on the garlicky food and stuff like that.
Howard said he saw a picture of Mariah in a bikini on a boat with this guy Miguel. Howard asked Nick if he gets jealous of that. Nick said absolutely not. He said that he has confidence. Nick said that Miguel is his dude and his girlfriend is in one of his music videos. Nick said that his wife knows that he loves women. He said he never crosses the line and gets disrespectful though. He said Mariah knows that. Howard said that picture would drive him crazy if he saw his wife out with some guy like that. Howard said he doesn't get jealous usually but if he saw that picture it would make him crazy.
Howard said that guy Miguel is ripped. Nick said he's more ripped than Miguel. Howard said he might be right. Howard said Mariah has big titties. Howard asked what he does with those and if he puts his penis in between. Nick said she's not into that.
Howard said he saw that Nick had a wedding at Disneyland. Nick said he heard Howard making fun of him over that. Howard said he did. He asked if Disney gave them the place for free. Nick said they don't. He said he does have a relationship with them and they helped out with the whole thing. He said they can't give it to you for free but they can help out as much as possible. Nick said they didn't shut down the entire park. He said they got a section there that was shut down. He said anyone can do that. Nick said they close at 8 and they started their wedding at 8 so they didn't really close it.
Howard said he didn't get an invitation. Nick said Howard did too. He said that they sent it to Howard and everyone on AGT. Howard said it's okay. Nick said they really did send it to Howard, Heidi and Mel B. Howard said he really didn't get it. He said he would have been there laughing if he was there. Nick was dressed as Prince Charming there. Howard said Nick looked like he was dressed as a bellman. Nick said it was Prince Charming.
Howard said they do this every year. Nick said they like to party. Howard said that it's a sign that a marriage isn't going to last. Nick said they do it every year and it's just a big party. He said that the fun part is when they go on their honeymoon again.
Howard said Nick is doing a lot of stuff. He's on a show called Wild N Out on MTV2. Howard asked if it's true that he was approached to take over for Jimmy Fallon when he leaves for the Tonight Show. Nick said he could never do it. He said he'd have to be in one place 5 nights a week. Nick said he would want to make more money than they make. He said he makes so much doing the different things he's doing now. Nick said he wouldn't be able to do movies. He said you never see Fallon in movies anymore.
Howard said that Mariah and Nick's combined marriage is worth $515 million. Nick said that Mariah is the $500 million. He said he's not making as much as her. Nick said he likes to get out and make money. He said he'd like to have $500 million too but he's not quite there yet.
Howard asked Nick about going out to the Hamptons and how he said that's not his thing. Nick said it's really not. He said there's nothing to do out there. Howard said he loves doing nothing out there. Nick said he has to be doing something.
Howard asked Nick about how they pay for food and split the bills. Nick said that they split everything. Howard said they should have a joint bank account. Nick said that would be a bad idea. Howard asked Nick if Mariah asks him to split the bills 50/50. Nick said it kind of goes like that. Nick said they just know what they're contributing. He said that the accountants handle all of that.
Howard said he pays for everything himself. He doesn't mind that though. He said he's proud that he can do that. Nick said he'd like to do that too. He said he pays for every meal when they go out. Howard said that Disney thing must have been paid for by Mariah. Nick said that they figured it all out but that's his relationship that he made happen. Nick said that Mariah has a private plane so that's not his. He said that he will fly with her but that's her plane. Howard said that the Disney thing is an extravagance. Nick said that he can't spend as much as she does but the accountants all handle that.
Howard asked why Mariah won't come there. Nick said that Howard has mended things with her but she has to be in control. He said that she does love Howard's wife. Howard said he respects Nick very much and he agrees with him about what they did to her on American Idol. Howard said they hired her for a lot of money and they sandbagged her by hiring Nicki Minaj. Howard said she should have been told up front. Nick said that's what put a bad taste in her mouth. It wasn't about Nicki but about the way they handled it. He said Mariah was fine with having four judges but they way they rushed her into signing and things like that just didn't go over very well.
Howard said when he was told that they were going to have 4 judges he had to sit himself down and think about how he was going to handle it. Howard said he had to think about how it wasn't his show. He said that he had to go in and play it like things were going to be fine. He said he couldn't go in and have an attitude.
Howard said he thinks that the network fucked Mariah by not stepping in and nipping it in the bud when Mariah and Nicki weren't getting along. Nick said they would just feed into it instead of fixing things. Howard said they took Mariah and put her into a reality show. Nick said that's right. He said it was bad and people did pay the price for it. He said his wife's career wasn't hurt by it. He said she has a hit song out and she'd going out on tour.
Nick said that Mariah took her energy and went to the studio with it. He said that helped her. Howard said he thinks that she hates Nicki. Nick said she doesn't hate her. She hates the situation that they put them in. Nick said he thinks that Mariah and Nicki didn't see each other before the show but Nicki heard that Mariah was upset so she was a little stand offish at first. He said there was a weird energy there. Nick said Howard and the judges have arguments and there's always that little seed there that can get you going. He said that's the way it was with Mariah and Nicki.
Howard said Nick has done it again. He said that he has told guys how to handle smelly pussy. Howard gave nick a plug for his MTV2 show and asked if he'd do SNL. Nick said he doesn't think he'd do it. He said he has to have a lot of control and he's not sure he could do that. Howard said he has to respect that. Howard said he was the same way when he met with Lorne. Howard said he wanted to bring in his own guys to write. He said he never should have done that. Nick said he loves and respects the people over there. He said that he has seen people go on the show that should have killed and they don't kill and it hurts.
Howard said that Nick has a ton of shit going on. He's got a new stand-up show going. Howard asked Nick about giving up the morning show. He wanted to know where the bulk of his money is coming from. Nick said he has a headphone line, a clothing line, a television network... Howard asked what network he runs. Nick said he runs Teen Nick. Howard said that he didn't know that. Nick said that he is the chairman of the network. Howard asked what they have on that channel. Nick told Howard about some of the shows. He said he also wrote and directed a movie that will be out this year. Howard asked when he sleeps. Nick said that's his problem. Howard said he loves to work. Nick said he does stand-up and he has a special coming out called ''Fuck Nick Cannon.''
Howard asked what he's worth now. He said he may have sized him up all wrong. Nick said he has Soul Train coming back too. Howard said he wants to host. Nick said he'll give him a whole week to host the show. Howard said he loved that show. Howard said they had a hot Asian chick on the show. Nick remembered her. Howard said that one week they could have Beetlejuice host. Nick said he will let Howard host the show. He said what he wants to do with the show is have anyone with soul host the show. He said they can bring in everyone. Howard said you can't have a white host. Nick said he'd have him on and sprinkle black people around him. Howard said that would be like his youth.
Nick said he made a deal to bring back the Soul Train thing and they're going to keep it true to what the original thing was. He said they'll sprinkle in more Asian chicks and things like that. Nick said he danced on Soul Train when he was like 15 years old. He said he used to stand out in front of the Comedy Store and then he'd go stand out in front of the place where they filmed Soul Train. He said that's how he got on these things.
Howard said Nick has to be worth a lot. Nick said he knows he has a lot of money but he doesn't know what he's worth. Howard said he can tell Nick what he's worth on any given day. Howard asked if he owns his own homes. Nick said he does. He said he owns about 6. Howard said he owns 3. Howard said that he has ultimate respect for him. He said he didn't know he was the head of a network. Howard said he'd come in and talk to him but he has that posse. He said he respects them all.
Howard said that Nick had a guy traveling with him. Nick said that was his valet. Howard said Nick didn't tell anyone that he added this guy to his posse. Howard said they were taping a commercial for AGT and he was eating with the crew. Howard said he was outside with Howie and Heidi was going to sit at another table. Howard said they saw this strange looking guy and he asked who that was. Howie said he didn't think the guy was part of the production and Howie said he thought he was retarded. Howard said he might be right but the guy wasn't bothering anyone. Howard said Howie is a nice guy but Heidi sat next to this guy and Howie started getting worked up. He said that Howie thought he might be dangerous. Howard said the guy was a bit off and Howie probably didn't call him retarded but he said he was going to have the guy thrown out. Howard said the next thing he knows Howie is calling a guy over to have the guy thrown out. Howard said the guy was minding his own business not bothering anyone. Howard said the producer came over and escorted the guy out. Nick said they did it in a big way too. He said they threw his plate and told him to get away from his talent. Howard said 2 seconds later they say they took care of it but then said that it was part of Nick's group. Howard said Howie said to him that he had no idea. Howard said Howie was just being protective. Howard said Howie told Nick ''Howard had your guy thrown out.''
Nick said the guy was near tears. He said that he apologized and said he may have gotten into trouble. Nick said he told him he was sitting where he wasn't supposed to sit. Nick said that he asked if this was the 60s or something. Nick said they talked to the producers about what went on. Nick said that he figured it if it was a white guy they wouldn't have been escorted off. Nick said that Heidi was being so nice to him and they ended up kicking him out. Howard said Howie was just being protective.
Howard got in a plug for tonight's America's Got Talent which is on at 8 instead of 9. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Nick is killing it today. He said that this is the first time he got to hear Nick and he's learning a lot. Nick said that he can be real and normal on this show. Howard said he has to talk to Nick more about this network he's running. Nick said he helps program the network and things like that. He said he does all of that. Howard said he's like a Jay-Z or a Rick Rubin. Nick said he'll take it. He said he's glad Howard knows. Robin said they did talk about this on the air when it was announced. Howard said he bets Nick has a big dick too. Nick said he's never had a complaint. Howard asked if he's got more than 7. Nick said he does when he's erect. Howard said he's not. Howard said the average size is 5.5 inches. He said he has 6 but he measures from the base. Howard asked where he measures from. Nick said everyone measures from the balls. He said he hasn't measured since he was like 19 years old. Howard said he was over 7 but under 8? Nick said he was right at the tip of 9. Howard asked where exactly the measurement came from. Nick said it was from the balls and not behind the balls. Howard said 9 inches is perfect. Robin said that's not ''perfect.'' Robin asked what he means by that. Howard said she knows exactly what that means.
Gary came in and said that they measured on the air once. Gary said that it was him, Howard and the guys. He said that they were between the high 5s and low 6s. He said that no one was that big. Nick said he thought the average was 7. Howard said 6 inches is large and anything over 7 is very large and only 1 percent of the population is that large.
Gary said they have a guy in the green room with a 13 inch penis. Howard said that he's so large that they frisk him at the airport because they think he has a bomb taped to his leg. Gary said they had George Takei holding it on the show once.
Nick said he's not very girthy but he's pretty long. Howard said that he has nothing when he's flaccid. Howard said he trims a little. Nick said he keeps it wild down there. Howard said some of his hairs are longer than his penis when it's flaccid. Nick said he's a grower not a shower.
Howard told Nick to stop bragging about his penis. He said 9 inches is going to be big news in the paper. Nick said he wanted to say he was like 9 1/2 or 10.
Howard gave Nick some plugs for Wild N Out which starts in July. He's on America's Got Talent hosting the show and doing various other things. Nick had a ton of stuff to plug. He's doing stand-up, hosting shows for NBC and so many other things. Nick said if things all go wrong then he's going into porno. Howard said Robin says 4 inches is fine so 9 is plenty. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Alyssa Milano was Tweeting that she wasn't hiding from Howard at Jimmy Fallon. She said that she doesn't even have security and that Howard is her favorite. Howard said that Ronnie must see things that aren't really happening. Howard said that this goes back to a conversation they had at 6 this morning.
Howard said that Sarah Palin is back on FOX News. He said that he has to play some audio later. Howard said that things must not have worked out with anything else. Howard said he has to bring in Jonah Falcon now.
Howard said Jonah has a 13 inch penis and he wants to be anything but a guy with a 13 inch penis. Howard said he wants to talk to him about turning down millions of dollars to do porn. Howard said he isn't sure why he's fighting it. The guys brought in Jonah and Howard said he looks like he's put on a few pounds. Jonah said he's been working out.
Howard asked Jonah why he's trying to be anything but a guy with a 13 and a half inch cock. Jonah said that he got one offer to do porn and that was a one time thing that he didn't want to talk about. Howard said he was offered over a million bucks to do that. Jonah said that he's working for a web site writing now. He said he gets paid enough to pay the rent. Jonah said he's making good money but he didn't say how much. Howard asked Jonah why he'd turn down a million bucks. Jonah said he's not motivated by money.
Jonah told Howard he has a movie idea and he would be playing a musician who is past his prime and there will be a full frontal shot. He said that people will come to see that and stay for the other stuff.
Howard asked Jonah about going to the airport and having a search done on him because the penis is so big. Jonah said that they thought it was a cyst at first. He said all they did was ask a bunch of questions. He said they took him to the side and put powder on his legs to make sure he didn't have any gun powder or anything on him. He said they frisked him and went around it. He said they didn't want to run over it. Jonah said he told them it was just his dick.
Howard asked if he's bi-sexual. Jonah said he is but he does mostly girls. He said the last time he got a BJ it was with a girl. Howard asked if she knew he had a big cock. Jonah said the thing about him is that people have expectations and they walk away with different ones.
Jonah told Howard that his penis is the size of his arm from his palm to his elbow. Howard said it must be like lifting a crane. Jonah said that if he's turned on he'll get turned on all the way hard. Howard asked if the girl had a problem with his thickness. Jonah said that they can work the head and who cares about the rest of it. Jonah said he doesn't need a girl to shove it down her throat like the Kielbasa girl.
Howard asked if the girl had intercourse with him. Jonah said that she did. Howard asked if he can get it all the way in her vagina. Jonah said absolutely not.
Gary came in and said that he had to interrupt because someone wanted to say hello. Gary brought Chris Rock in a few seconds later. Howard said Chris is interrupting a guy with a 13 inch penis. Chris said he has a bigger than average cock too. He said no one ever knows about it. Chris said part of it is that it looks bigger on a skinny backdrop. Howard asked if he's ever measured it. Chris wondered how he got into this.
Howard said Nick Cannon was just saying that he's 9 inches. Howard thought Chris was saying that was small. Howard asked if he's over 9. Chris said he's not saying that but he's heard compliments. Howard asked what's wrong with him. Chris said Howard has the money. Howard said he doesn't have the cock. Robin asked if he would give up the money for a big penis. Howard said he's not sure about that.
Howard asked Chris what he's doing up there. Chris said he's filming a movie where he plays a version of himself and he's pout promoting a movie in the movie so he's shooting up there next week. Howard asked if he's directing. Chris said he is. Howard said he has a guy who needs some work in a movie sitting there.
Chris said that the new Adam Sandler movie will be out in a few weeks. He said that people are screaming at the previews. Howard asked how big Sandler's cock is. Chris said it's pretty big. He said that Sandler and Farley would whip them out back in the day when they were working on SNL. He said that Farley wasn't that big. He said he was decent but the backdrop was big so it didn't look so big.
Chris asked Jonah what he does for a living. Jonah said that he's a writer. Chris didn't believe it. Jonah was going to show Chris his penis but Chris so he didn't want to see that.
Howard asked Chris when he's going to film another stand-up show. Chris said when he's done with this film he's going to work on that. Howard said that he thinks that Chris should be front and center when he's out promoting a movie. Chris said he feels that way about Howard on AGT. He said that no one else's opinion matters.
Howard asked Chris when he last hung out with Eddie Murphy. Chris said it was a few months ago. Howard said he wants to hang with them. Chris said next time he's out in L.A. and it's around a fight then they'll get him over there. He said that they have a get together with a bunch of black comedians when there's a fight to watch. Howard said he'd like that. Howard said he thinks Eddie has a thing with him. Chris said that's over. Chris said that Eddie is cool with Spade now.
Gary told Howard that they're calling for Chris. Howard said he wants to go to one of his shows. Chris said Howard never leaves his house. Howard said he knows he would go to that. Chris said he knows that. He said he did like 40 minutes for Rick Rubin like he's a musician. He said that he gave him notes on that stuff. He said Rick is very insightful with comedy. He said if Rick was his friend Howard would be the only judge on AGT.
Chris said that he had to run. Robin said he just did a Bob Hope with them. Howard said he likes that. Howard said he hasn't heard from him in a while. Chris said he has like 3 weeks of time coming up soon. He said he'll be by himself for 3 weeks. Howard told him to come out to his house or go out to dinner with him. Chris said he can hang. Howard said he likes talking sense to Chris. Howard said he needs that from him. Howard said he'll have Jonah over so they can look at his cock. Chris told him not to let him around his girl.
Jonah asked which one of these people don't belong on the show today. He said it's Nick Cannon, Chris rock and Jonah Falcon.
Howard asked Jonah if he's ever put his cock in a guy's ass. Jonah said that he has done that to a girl. He said that it's easier doing that than putting it in someone's mouth. Jonah said he thinks that he can get about 9 inches deep but that's about it. He said the head is all that counts anyway. He said he has about 7 inches of circumference on his penis. He said that's what counts with the penis. He said length doesn't really come into play. Howard asked if he can put a condom on that thing. Jonah said he can but it only covers up about half. Howard said he would love that. Howard said his fall off because they're so loose. Jonah said they're usually too tight on him.
Howard asked if he showered in the gym. Jonah said that he would but he didn't notice anything going on around him. He said that 20 years later he learned that they all knew. He said that he had 8 inches when he was 10 years old. He said he thinks he went into puberty at around 9 and he didn't stop until he was 18.
Howard said Jonah has written a song called ''It's Too Big.'' Jonah said that it's about his penis. Howard said he should go around showing that thing and charge for it. Howard said he'd go see that. Jonah said that's just not his thing.
Howard asked Jonah if he's going to sing for them. Jonah said he is. Howard asked if he's going to whip that thing out. Jonah said he's not going to but he will wear something tight. He said it's just not his thing to let it out.
Jonah wanted to sing with this guy Adam Barter. Howard didn't want to bring him in but he allowed it a short time later. Howard had them perform the song and asked Adam what he does. Adam said he sings the duet. He said he sang with Tan Mom on her song too. They played the song and performed it together.
After the song Howard asked if he's supposed to believe that he's upset that his penis is too big. Howard said Robin is downloading the song from iTunes now. Howard said that Jonah was fondling his penis during the song. Jonah said he had to adjust it. He said if it's bent the wrong way it's uncomfortable. Howard said that he can't be upset that it's too big. Jonah said he's not really upset.
Howard gave Jonah some plugs and one was for a dentist that fixed his teeth. Howard said that you can check out DrShawnSadri.com for more information.
Howard asked the guys where their prank calls were that they did to Jonah's sports talk radio show. Howard asked Jonah if he's still doing a show. Jonah said he is but it's not a call in show. Howard played a clip where Sal and Richard prank called Jonah on his show and pissed him off so much that he stopped taking calls. They went to break after that.
Howard said everyone on the show today had a big cock. Howard said that he had Jason go back and check on the Playboy article where they talk about penis size. Howard said 6 inches is considered ''large.'' Howard said he told Beth that he's large after reading that. Howard said that they say that anyone larger than 6 inches are considered freaks. Howard said that it's like less than one percent of the population that have one larger.
Jason said that most fall into that 5-5 1/2 inch size. Jason said that it was very disconcerting to hear them talking about that. Howard said he's having a bad day. Robin said someone has to be lying. Howard said he thinks that most of these guys are lying. He said that Jonah isn't but he's not sure about the other guys.
Howard said that Selma Blair took a job on the Charlie Sheen show and she's complaining that he was unprofessional. Howard said now Charlie wants to fire her and hire Mila Kunis. Howard said that Selma has to have her head examined. Howard said she has to know that he's unprofessional. Howard said she agreed to go on a show that he's on and you have to know he's gong to be, at least, eccentric. Howard said that you can't complain about something like that after what Charlie went through on Two and a Half Men. Robin said that Charlie is over reacting too. Howard read the article and they say that he wants to hire Mila Kunis who is Ashton Kutcher's girlfriend. Kutcher replaced Charlie on Two and a Half Men.
Howard said that Linda Stasi said she likes the judging panel on AGT and he really likes that. Howard said that he didn't want to make it about the judges on AGT. He said the drama should be left out of the show. He said it's not about the judges. He said it's about the contestants. Robin said it's not about the judges, it's about the judging.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who said the Jonah Falcon song was awful. Howard took the call and the guy said he should have shot Jonah.
Howard said that Sarah Palin makes him nuts. He said she's back on FOX News and this clip drove him crazy. He said she had the nerve to go on there and criticize Mayor Bloomberg. Howard said this woman has the brain the size of a pea. Howard said she didn't even stay as governor because she's a complete nincompoop. Howard said Bloomberg has done so much for this city. He said she's concentrating on large sodas being banned. Howard said that she has the nerve to be sarcastic about Mayor Bloomberg. Howard played the clip where they were talking about a new idea Bloomberg has about the garbage in the city so they can create bio fuel. The reporter and Palin were talking about that and talking about how bizarre those ideas are. Palin brought up the second amendment and how maybe he'll stay away from that if he's busy with all of these other things.
Howard said that Palin must be out of her fucking mind. Howard said he can't believe people voted her in as governor or Alaska. Howard said she's comparing her pea sized brain to the brain of Mayor Bloomberg. Gary told Howard that this program they're talking about is voluntary. He said it's to compost food. Gary said that she never runs for office because she'll lose and she'll be irrelevant. Howard said she's also talking about gun control. Howard said he doesn't want her having a gun. Howard said the population of Alaska is 730,000 people. The city of New York is 8 million. Howard said that she was mayor of a city that had 8,000 people. He said that she has to be fucking kidding him. Howard said she's such a dummy.
Howard played another clip where Palin was talking about a book she's writing about Christ being taken out of Christmas. Howard said she's not writing any book. He said she's such a dummy. Howard said that the dummies that vote for her are the only ones who are going to read that book. Howard said he dreads what's coming next there after Bloomberg is done.
Howard played more of Palin rambling about her book. Howard said FOX is sitting there kissing her ass. Robin said Howard acts like they don't kiss anyone else's asses.
Robin started off the news with a story about Billy West and how he slammed Howard in an article. Howard said he wished that they had paid Billy a million bucks. Robin said that he was bashing Howard when Howard had nothing to do with what he was paid. Howard said that he was his biggest supporter and he must have been a dick to Billy. Howard said Billy had a big cock too. He said that he was reading that David Cassidy had a big one too. Robin said she mentioned that last week. He was known as The Donk because he was so big. Howard said he was known as the Dink because he was so dinky.
Howard said that they had the wives on the show mentioned who they would want to and not want to have sex with. They did that yesterday and not one of the wives mentioned Scott the Engineer. Howard did his impression of Scott for a minute after that.
Howard said that Tan Mom has a last name that's kind of funny. He said it's Krentcil. He said she was all over the news because they took her and locked her up for being drunk in Minnesota.
Howard said that he saw that Porsche came out with a $900 go cart for kids. Howard said it's never too early to teach your kid to be a douche.
Robin said that Alyssa Milano was on Jimmy Fallon's show last night. Robin said that she has a new TV show coming out and Jimmy said he was a fan of her's since she was on Who's the Boss. Alyssa said she had a crush on Jimmy too. Robin had a clip from the show but it was the wrong one.
Robin said Howard was also on the Jimmy Fallon show last night. Robin had some clips of that appearance. She had one where Howard talked about Jimmy replacing Jay Leno. She had some audio of Howard talking about how the other judges on AGT don't matter. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
After the break, around 9:20am, Howard asked to Robin get back to her news. Robin wasn't there. He said he could hear her back there though.
Robin came back and read a story about some radio people who have gotten into trouble for mocking a football player. Robin said that the trio of Mayhem in the AM in Georgia have been fired. Robin said they faked an interview with a football player who has Lou Gehrig's disease. Robin had the audio of the bit they did that got them fired. Howard asked if it was supposed to be funny. He said he'd be the first to defend it if it was funny. Howard said the wacky morning guys always laugh at themselves. Howard said it's not funny though. Howard said that's why he wanted to get on in Atlanta when they were syndicated. Howard said they could have beat those guys with Benjy's animal sounds bit. Howard said they shouldn't have been fired over that bit. He said it wasn't funny but they shouldn't have been fired. Howard said the guy who hired them is the one who should have been fired. Robin said that guy is probably the one who fired them. Howard said he bets they weren't going over very well and they were just looking for a reason to fire them.
Robin said that Kim Kardashian had her baby about a month early and now Kanye West's album is out at the same time. Robin said that she has impeccable timing. Robin said that his new album is getting a lot of praise. Robin said they say that they're not going to sell pictures of the baby but they will tweet out something eventually. Robin had some audio of Kanye's first single which is ''Black Skinhead.'' Robin had some clips of some of his other songs too. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard said he was eating carrots after dinner last night and Beth was laughing at him. He said he just wants to eat. He said he might go crazy and add some celery sticks to that.
Robin read a story about a woman who shot a guy in the face and the guy has forgiven her. Robin said the woman is on trial for attempted murder and the guy says that they were into drugs and that's what got in the way.
Robin read a story about weatherman Bill Evans who got into a fight with his wife at their home. Robin said that they're facing third degree assault charges. Robin said that they're in the middle of a divorce and they're both facing charges. Howard asked what they're so angry about and why they don't just leave. Howard said the guy is a weather man so he can be replaced easily.
Howard said he could do the weather. He asked Siri on his iPhone what the weather is for New York. It wasn't working so he was yelling at his phone. Howard didn't know what the problem was. Howard asked again what the weather was. Siri didn't answer. Howard said maybe being a weatherman isn't so easy. Howard said it's no wonder Apple stock is dropping like a bomb. Howard had Robin ask Siri what the weather was. Howard answered for Siri and said ''Fuck you Robin.''
Robin read about a woman who does some cooking shows was seen fighting with her husband and the husband had his hands around her neck. Robin said that she's 53 and he's 79. Robin said she apparently has moved out of the house with the kids. Robin said she's on her own and he's being investigated because of those pictures.
Howard said someone sent him a clip of Roz from Monsters Inc and he sounds like Eric the Midget. Howard played the clip and the character did sound like Eric. Howard said they ripped him off. The movie came out in 2001 which was right around the time Eric started calling.
Howard had a clip of someone being interviewed about working on Saturday Night Live and asking if Steven Seagal was really the worst guest of all time. The woman was saying that he really was bad. She was describing how he was hiding in his dressing room because they had a sketch where Hans and Franz said they could beat him up. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about an airline flight where a man went wild during the flight. Robin had some audio from the flight where this man was freaking out. The clip wasn't there so Howard said they're less than professional today. Robin said the guy was screaming about the CIA and national security. Howard wasn't able to find the clip.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that it didn't update everything and he's not sure why. He said he'll put it in now. Howard said he loves that he walks like a turtle and sees that it's not there and has to tell them that. Howard said they're just going to move on. He said it has to be your worst nightmare to have someone acting up like that. Howard said they should have an armed guy on every flight. Howard said he had the clip of the guy freaking out on the plane. It was a clip of Benjy screaming. Then he mixed in a clip of Hanzi stuttering. Then he played a clip of Ronnie yelling.
Robin said that a man was mauled by a bear and then charged for feeding the bear. Howard said that state is full of morons that vote for Sarah Palin. Robin said that this guy was goading a bear with barbecue and he ended up getting mauled. Robin said the guy took his food on a bike ride so he tossed some meat at the bear and it attacked the man when he offered it more. Robin said he suffered scratches and puncture wounds.
Robin said that Instagram is looking to get into the video market. Robin said they're expected to unveil a new program that will let people share short videos on the internet. Howard said it's called YouTube.
Howard said he had to put makeup on last night and he can feel a pimple coming up. He said it's under the skin and he hates that.
Robin said a McDonald's worker is suing her employer for paying her with a debit card that had fees. Robin said they're looking to turn this into a class action suit.
Robin read a story about some kids who are suing FOX for showing their father's suicide on the air. Howard said that's news. Robin said the mother is saying that they have suffered emotional problems because they saw him kill himself on TV. Howard said that TV isn't an exact science. He said he doesn't think they should win that one.
Robin said the marriage rate in the U.S. is at the lowest rate in a century. They spent a short time on that.
Robin read about how they're looking for Jimmy Hoffa again. Robin said they were told that he was under concrete under a barn. Howard said that they must be goofing on the cops when they do that. Howard said that maybe they believe that he's in those places from stories they heard.
Robin read about a house in New York that was searched for bodies. Robin said that Robert De Niro played the character in Goodfellas. Robin said that they searched the former home of the character De Niro played.
Robin said that Vladimir Putin met with President Obama yesterday. Robin said they had a good meeting according to the report.
Robin said that Edward Snowden seems to be scared right now about what the U.S. might do to him for blowing the whistle on the NSA spying on citizens. Robin said Snowden is in hiding right now.
Robin said that a hooker took the stand in a case where she was called to the home of a guy who is accused of killing his grandmother and stuffing her in a closet. Robin said the hooker claims she didn't smell anything. Robin said that the guy had the hooker for two days.
Robin said that Barbara Streisand spoke out about sexism while getting an honorary doctorate over in Israel. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about Steven Tyler talking about how he can remember the first song he penned with Joe Perry. Robin had some audio of Tyler talking about that. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:05am.
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Jon said he hasn't seen Howard on Fallon yet but it sounds like he had a good time on the show. He said they're going to get Ronnie in there to talk about the Alyssa Milano thing. Jon said they'll also talk about Benjy's game that took a few months to produce.
Gary came in and said there must be something wrong with the crew there because they have average size penises. Gary said Chris Rock and Nick Cannon were making it seem like 9 inches is normal. Gary said he feels fine after reading what Jason found on the internet.
Jon asked Gary what was going on with Ronnie and the Alyssa Milano story. Gary said he's not sure. He said he knows Alyssa is a big fan of the show and she tweets about him all the time. Jon asked if Ronnie is making stuff up. Gary said they'll have to ask Ronnie.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Nick Cannon and Howard. Gary said that Nick says a lot of cool stuff when he's in there with Howard. He said they both seem to really like each other. He said Nick even liked Howard when Howard was goofing on him years ago.
Gary said that he's not sure how Nick thinks that he gets to see his kids as often as a person with a 9-5 job. Jon said he doesn't buy that either. He said he's very busy with his work. Gary said he is very driven. Jon said that Nick seems to like Howard a lot as a judge on the show. He said he's not sure if he tells all of the judges that or not though.
Gary said that he went down to the auditions last August in Austin. He said he had no idea what Nick did until he watched the show. He said he's very amused by that guy. Jon said he does a good job handling the contestants back stage. Gary said the one thing Howard doesn't get about Nick's work is the DJ'ing at 2 in the morning.
Jon said one great story is about how Mariah plays her own music while they're making love. Jon said that the Soul Train thing should be interesting too. Gary said that was the best show when it was on. He said the dancing was great. He said they had women in hot pants grinding on guys on that show. Gary said Don Cornelius hated them though.
Gary said that they were looking at the biggest selling records of all time has two of Mariah's albums in the top 25. He said that's how she has so much money. Jon said that Disney wedding was insane if you ask him. Gary asked Jon what he would do that would be like that. Jon said he would probably do PNC Park where the Pirates play. He said he would do that if he could. Gary said that he's not sure what he would do. He said it used to be hard to get things like that but not anymore. He said you can rent these places if you really want to.
Gary said he and his wife said their vows once and that's all they needed to do. He said he's not sure why people have to renew their vows every year. He said he understands it if you do it at 50 years. Gary said some people call that a soaker because you're soaking your friends for gifts. They had to go to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard has always talked about his penis size and he's wondering if he's got some bi-sexual feelings in there. It turns out the guy on the phone was Sour shoes making all kinds of odd noises in the background and yelling at a horse to shut up. Gary said he doesn't think Howard has any bi-sexual feelings.
Jon said that he wanted to talk about Jonah Falcon. He said that he apparently turned down a million dollar offer for a porn. He didn't want to talk about that today though. Jon said Jonah doesn't seem to get why he's there on the show. He said he got a lot of the opportunities that he has because of that penis. Gary said they're the only ones that have let them perform that song all the way through. Gary said that made him laugh so hard. He said that it may have out done the Chyna song that she performed on the show. Jon said that the visual was great. Jon said he thought the song wasn't awful. Gary said it made him laugh. He said that Tan Mom wasn't able to deliver with her song but Jonah did.
Jon asked why Howard said that he makes stuff up sometimes. Ronnie asked when he said that. Jon said he said it today. Ronnie said he doesn't know. Ronnie said that he talked to Jimmy Fallon there at the show for a good 5 minutes. Ronnie said he liked his Batman moustache. Jon asked if Howard had a good time doing the show. Ronnie said he thinks he did. He said he likes how Howard takes over the show. He said Jimmy kept telling him to sit down. He said it took a while but he eventually did.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Ronnie is so pissed off all the time. Ronnie said that the bitch is calling him a liar. Gary told him to hold on there. He said she's a potential guest. Ronnie said he must be wrong and she must be right then. The caller said that Ronnie sucks the life right out of the room. Ronnie said he's sucking it out right now. The caller said he's never seen someone so pissed off at everyone for everything like Ronnie is.
Gary asked Ronnie if he's a happy and upbeat kind of guy. Ronnie said he's not. He said he's angry at everyone. Jon said that he has a good time at those shows and he's not sure why he's so pissed. Gary said Ronnie tends to lash out at people. He said even if they're just asking him what's bothering him. Ronnie said that's just the way he is. He said he hates this camera guy (Dan) and he knows it. Ronnie said he doesn't really hate him but Dan thinks he does.
Ronnie said that he hates the way Jon asks him what's bothering him with that little grin on his face. Jon asked how Chris Rock got in there today. Ronnie said he had Chris yell out to him out in the lobby and he went and talked to him and told him to come in. Jon said it sounds like he's getting great feedback about the beard. Ronnie said he guesses he is. Gary said that his hair must grow really fast. He said that he can see where it's growing in with the normal color. Ronnie said he's been washing it trying to get it back to the right color. He said that he may keep it.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked Ronnie to please not yell at her. Ronnie said he never yells at women. He said it's all about women. The caller said that Ronnie does sound like he's always on the defence. Ronnie said that you have to be around there. The caller said that Ronnie shouldn't be like that all the time. Ronnie said his shrink is trying to help but it must not be working. The caller said he seems to be turning into that character that he puts on. Ronnie said he's always been angry. He said that even his first girlfriend would tell her that.
Jon asked if his shrink (he or she) has seen the moustache yet. Ronnie said he could never have a woman as a shrink unless it was a stripper. Ronnie said he's going to the shrink this week so he'll see it for the first time. Jon talked to Ronnie about what kind of TV he watches with this girlfriend. They spent a few minutes on that and then went to break.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he heard Chris Rock come in... Then he paused and listened to himself on the radio so Jon hung up on him.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks Ronnie is right about Alyssa Milano. He said he thinks that she's a bit of a freak. He said years ago her mother was very protective of her and he thinks that Ronnie was telling the truth. Ronnie said at least he has one guy on his side.
Jon said that Howard didn't have his back on this or the driving thing last week. Ronnie said he didn't want to get into that again. He said he doesn't tell Howard how to do his radio show so he shouldn't tell him how to drive in Manhattan. He said he's been safe in that car for the past 27 years. Jon asked Ronnie if he feels everyone is out to get him there. Ronnie said that everyone is out to get something on the air. That's what it's about. Ronnie said he'll do that if he has to. Jon said he can't complain about it then. Ronnie said he's not complaining. He said he's just on the defensive.
Gary said that Steve Brandano is one of the only guys who won't bring him anything. He said that everyone else there will. Jon said he agrees with that. Jon said he thought he was like that but he guesses not. Ronnie asked who Jon goes through. Jon said it's the guy sitting right there.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if every major player on the show has to have a shrink. Gary said that he thinks it has a lot to do with your age. He said he thinks that everyone could use a shrink at some point in their life. He said that it's nice to have someone to talk to that doesn't have an agenda with you. He said that doesn't mean you're fucked up.
Jon said that he shrink can sometimes be the show. He said that it's very therapeutic for some people to get it out on the air. Jon said he's not sure that everyone on the show has gone to the shrink on the show. Jon said he has gone to one but he doesn't go anymore. He didn't want to say what it was for. Gary said that he graduated from going. He said his shrink told him he had graduated and let him off the hook.
Jon asked Ronnie if he'll continue to go. Ronnie said he will. Jon said that Howard keeps going and it helps him. Gary said someone wrote something about going to the same shrink for 20 years and compared it to bringing your car in for service over and over and never getting it fixed. Gary said that you wonder how long you should go to the same guy before wondering if you should try someone else.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he heard them talking about stadiums earlier. He asked if they've ever had any one hit wonder bands that they would hire to do a private show. Gary said maybe Flock of Seagulls or someone like that. Gary said he'd have to think about that. Jon said maybe Dexy's Midnight Runners. Gary said maybe the Singing Nun.
Jon said that Ronnie's girl Cher is going to be on The Voice tonight. Ronnie said he heard about that. Gary said he heard she might be in the neighborhood around there soon too. Ronnie asked if she'll be up there. Gary said he's not sure. He was being very evasive about the question.
Jon asked Ronnie if he would go to the Garden to see Cher. Ronnie said he would. Someone was laughing at him. Gary said he doesn't think a lot of straight guys are into her. He said she seems to have a lot of gay followers. Ronnie said she puts on a great show. He said he loves everything of her's. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
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Howard started the show talking about the big day they had coming up. Howard said he tried to tweet during America's Got Talent last night but he was tired. He said he had a long day with meetings and discussions. He said there was a lot of creativity.
Howard said Kid Rock will be stopping by today. Matt Lauer will also be coming in. Howard said he'll be talking about all of the bullshit going on at the Today show.
Howard said he heard that Lisa G's book (Sex, Lies, and Cookies: An Unrated Memoir) came out yesterday. He said he may have to read that book on the air. He asked if there's anything worth talking about in there. Benjy said he read it and there is drugs and affairs with married men. Gary said that he's in the first 20 pages and he didn't get any of that. He learned that she wore overalls as a kid. Gary said she talks about her love of the violin too. Howard asked if anyone wanted to congratulate her on the release of her book. Robin said sure. Howard had Lisa come in.
Lisa came in and said that it's the craziest feeling having the book out. She said it's exciting like giving birth. She said she's been up and down. Howard asked what the down is. Lisa said she's very anxious. Howard said that she wants to wear it around her neck. She's going to be on Hoda and Kathie Lee's show tomorrow. She said that the book company helped book that.
Howard said that he heard that she wore overalls as a kid. Lisa said she didn't care what she looked like back then. Howard said that everyone who gets with him writes a book. Howard said that he'd like her to get back to being a workaholic. Lisa said he knows she works hard. Howard said Benjy read that she had a drug taking period in her life. Robin asked what kind of drugs they were. Lisa said she was drinking and doing drugs. That was when she moved to New York. She said that she was pretty loose sexually too. Benjy laughed. He said that she was talking coke and quaaludes. Lisa said she would stay up all night doing drugs, drinking and having sex. Then she'd go to work in the morning. Howard asked how many guys she was with. Lisa said she doesn't even know. She said she would rush home and cook for the guy and not even think if he was worth the time. She said it was the journey about learning to love herself. Howard said he looks forward to reading the book. He said he may just have Benjy give him more details. Robin asked if she did an audio book. She said she did. Howard said he heard that Sal and Richard are busy with that.
Howard thanked Lisa for coming in and let her go. Howard took a call from someone saying they were Mr. Bullshit on the phone. He picked up and it was someone saying this was all bullshit and making a bullshit alarm sound. It turned out to be Sal. He said they're working on that book back there and Richard wants to bukakke it. Howard said that's disgraceful. Howard said they can't do that on work hours.
Howard said you get so caught up with some of the contestants. Howard said this one woman had bowls on her legs. He said that you think it's the dumbest thing ever but this girl was flipping bowls on her head while riding a unicycle. Howard said you wonder how much time she's spent on that. Howard said she started at 5 years old and you think about how she put at least 10,000 hours flipping bowls onto her head. Howard said someone asked what she's going to do every week. He said she could come out and just up it every week. He said he had a conversation with her and she was saying that she can flip them onto her thighs every week. Howard said the other judges said it's the same thing but it's really not.
Howard said that Chinese guy came out and you think he's a douche but then he comes out and blows your mind. Robin said she saw the 42 year old woman and then the 5 year old child. Howard said this guy came out and said he was going to throw this child around. He said the little girl is adorable. He said they started doing their thing and he got caught up in it. He said she's so good at that age.
Robin said there was that one guy who built that thing with the dominoes and got that whole thing going. Howard said that guy was there for 3 days building that thing. He said he has a great mind. Howard said that you can see the show through a link on HowardStern.com
Mariann said that some of them are so humble on the show. She said they don't even know how good they are. She said they should have such confidence. Howard said they saw a lot of comedians and you're amazed that they didn't think they'd go through.
Speech Impediment Man called in and asked who Beth would fuck on the show. Howard said they already did that and she said it would be Gary. Speech said he's getting married in October. Howard asked if he has a job. Speech said he does. He said he's a security guard and he's been there for 11 years. Howard said he didn't know that. Robin said that she'd like to meet the woman who is marrying him. Howard asked if he's having kids. Speech said he doesn't need another one of him running around. Howard said he's going to send him a Lisa G book for a wedding present. Howard let him go and wished him luck with his marriage.
Howard said he watched Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and liked it. Robin said it didn't get very good ratings. Howard said if he saw it in the movies he would have been pissed. He said he watched it on his iPad and he didn't think it was so bad. He said it couldn't be that bad. He said that he felt retarded watching it but it wasn't so bad. Robin said she saw After Earth and people must hate Will Smith. She said that the movie wasn't that bad but the reviews were savage. Robin said that they slammed Will and M. Night Shyamalan.
Howard said that he was thinking about the penises that were in there yesterday and if you add them all up then they're taller than Ronnie. He said that they deserve an Emmy for that or something. Howard said that they have Kid Rock and Matt Lauer coming in today and his penis has to be larger than one of theirs. Howard said the law of averages has to come into play at some point.
Howard asked Jason if they can put a graph on the web site that shows their guests penis sizes. Robin said they should have a cock meter in there and show how big everyone is. Howard said he thinks Ronnie should pat everyone down and check their penis size.
Howard said that he was reading about this congressman who thinks that abortion should not be allowed because a fetus has feeling at 15 weeks. Howard said that he wants to make abortion illegal after 14 weeks. Howard said he thinks that babies are masturbating at 15 weeks because baby boys are touching themselves at that age in the womb.
Howard said he has to be hung better than a 15 week old fetus. Howard said that some of them have length over him. He said he's going to start checking sonograms to see where he's at. Howard said he's not sure why a 15 week old would touch himself. Howard said it is inside a vagina though so that's kind of cool. Howard said it never even occurred to him to masturbate at 15 weeks.
Howard said he was watching AGT last night and he was thinking about how great it is. He said that he's with hot chicks who like him and he's friends with a black guy, and a black woman. He said that it's like what his childhood should have been like. Howard said he was thinking about Nick Cannon banging Mariah Carey to her music. Howard asked if he should bang Beth to his music. He said he could play Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes. Howard said she'd love it.
Howard said Jackie Chan is going to bring a musical to Broadway based on his life. Howard said if he can do it then they should be able to do it based on Private Parts. Howard said if Jackie Chan can do it then he can too. Howard said he should get off his fat ass and do it.
Howard said he tried to stay up and watch Cher on The Voice. He said that she's 67 years old and has a new album out. Robin said this is the first time in 12 years that she's performed on a TV show. Howard said Ronnie is in love with Cher and he was talking about her on The Wrap Up Show yesterday.
Howard played some of the audio of Cher performing her song. Howard said it's dance music and that's what she's all about. Howard said that he tried to watch a documentary about her and he wasn't able to get through it. He just didn't care.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she was calling about Howard's carrots. She said she heard about him talking about this struggles with his weight. Howard said he only lost like 5 pounds. He said he's fucking hungry. Howard said his accountant came over and he usually asks if his guests want something. Howard said he asked the guy if he wanted carrots. Howard said he was like ''What!?'' Howard said he was trying to lose some weight and everyone says ''You?'' like he's thin already. Howard said he told him that he's trying to lose a couple of pounds. Howard said he bought suits last year that he can't wear this year because he can't button his pants. He said that he can't put that much time into the gym. He said he can be ripped or make money.
The caller said that she has ideas for Howard that will help. Howard said that he doesn't think so. Howard said he had a whole bowl of carrots yesterday. He said they were all cut up nicely. He said that his accountant had them and so did Beth. Howard said he must have eaten 20 of them. Howard said he was so hungry. He said it was already 5 at night and he was eating carrots. Robin said she heard that most American's have never experienced real hunger. Howard said he has. He said it was just yesterday that he did. Howard said people imagine that he's a fun guy but this is what he goes through.
The caller told Howard her suggestion is all about his body's PH level. She said that he has to eat alkaline foods. Howard told her to get a life and hung up on her a short time later. Howard said she's a nudnick. Howard said that it's all about calories in and out. He said that's what it's about.
Howard said that Dr. Fisch had a woman beat off so they could figure out if a woman's squirting is urine or not. Howard said he should get Ronnie in there for this. Gary said he's not there. Howard sounded bummed about that. Howard said they have to book Ronnie for the show now. Gary said he didn't know Ronnie had to be there for it. Howard said Ronnie is the guy who says that squirting isn't pee. Howard said he should have spelled it out for Gary.
Howard told Dr. Fisch to forget Ronnie. Howard asked how the woman squirted. Dr. Fisch said that they were talking about squirting recently and Ronnie said he likes to have a woman squirt on him. He said that they had Lexi Love come in to squirt for them. He said they make her drink lots of fluids and even she didn't know if it was urine or not. Dr. Fisch said that they brought there into his office and had her urinate into a container first. He said that Shuli wanted to go into the room and make her feel comfortable but she said that was okay and passed on that. He said they were outside of the room and it was very creepy. He said Shuli thought it was pedal to the medal creepy. He said they were seeing patients at the time so it was very creepy.
Dr. Fisch said that they gave her a bedpan to finish into. He said that she had 20ccs of fluid that came out when she squirted. Robin said that's not that much. Dr. Fisch said it actually is a lot. He said a man only has about 5ccs of ejaculate.
Dr. Fisch said that he looked in both the urine and the squirt for a compound that's in urine. He said that it came out that it is urine. Howard said it's identical to urine. Howard said ''Wow.'' Dr. Fisch said that he never thought it was anything but urine. He said he was shocked that people thought it was some sort of ejaculate. Howard said he's glad to hear him say this. He said that the whole thing is disgusting. Howard said he hates the whole thing.
Howard said that Ronnie thinks that it's not urine but it turns out it is. Howard said that he's drinking urine when he thinks that he's drinking some kind of woman's ejaculate. Dr. Fisch said he's not sure why people think it's something that it's not. Howard said it's the porn industry that got people thinking about this.
Dr. Fisch said that he used to treat women with unstable bladders and it would happen to some women who had no control and it was an embarrassment. Dr. Fisch said that his show is important and this is why. He said that they talk about this stuff and it's a serious show. He said they get a lot of serious questions on the show. Howard said he knows how serious it is because he's heard the show and he hears some of the people who call in.
Howard told Dr. Fisch about the big penis discussion they had yesterday. Howard said they're claiming they have 8 or 9 inches and he wonders if they're lying. Dr. Fisch said he thinks they're lying. He said that he isn't measuring them but he wrote a book called ''Size Matters'' and the average length is 5.4 inches. He said most people think they're too small but that's just not the case. Howard said he's about half an inch when he's flaccid. Dr. Fisch said that's good that there's nothing there. He said that it's not good to be semi-flaccid. Howard asked how big he is. Dr. Fisch said he has never measured. Howard said that's a lie.
Ronnie came in and Howard broke the news to him that squirting is not real. Ronnie just said ''okay'' a bunch of times. He still didn't believe that it was pee. Howard said Ronnie is like a guy who thinks the Earth is flat. Ronnie said he doesn't believe it and he doesn't care. Howard said it's urine. Ronnie said he doesn't care.
Howard asked Dr. Fisch what's wrong with Ronnie. Dr. Fisch said that he must be embarrassed. Ronnie said he doesn't care if a woman blows in his mouth. He said that sex isn't dirty. He said they're making it sound like sex is dirty. He said it's not. Howard said he's into having a girl pee into his mouth. Ronnie said she'll be happy and scream like a baby. Howard thanked Dr. Fisch and Ronnie. Ronnie said that Dr. Fisch must have a great time at home in bed. Ronnie asked if he's ever heard of anyone dying from it. Ronnie said that he's just having fun and it's no big deal. Robin said that they just wanted him to know what he's having fun with. Ronnie said he doesn't care what Dr. Fisch says, it's not pee.
Robin said that they have to get a fluoroscope and show Ronnie it's coming from the bladder. Howard said it's wild what goes on with that show. They went to break a short time later.
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Howard came back and asked Kid Rock if he's into Pink Floyd at all. Kid said that he was never much of a stoner. He said that he was into hip hop when he was young. Howard said he's in the middle of a conversation with Kid Rock if anyone cares. Howard said that the audience has to figure out who he's talking to.
Howard said Kid Rock brought his band with him today. Kid said they only have some of them. He said it's much bigger than this. Howard said they're going to perform acoustically.
Howard said that he was reading about how they go on a cruise every year and everyone drinks and gets fucked up. Kid said they have 12 bands on the cruise so it's music 24 hours a day. He said they sell out in the pre-sales every time. He said that the tickets never make it to regular sale. Howard asked how he's not in rehab with alcohol and coke. Kid said that's a milestone in his career. He said he's 42 now and he's never had to do that. He said he never wins any Grammys or anything. Howard said has won Country Music Awards. Kid said that they'll give you one if you just show up. He said he really doesn't care about that stuff. Howard said Kid has had a lot of hit records and he has written a lot of hit songs. He said he must be upset about that. Kid told him to take it easy Barbara Walters. He said he's not going to cry.
Howard asked Kid why he stopped doing coke. He read that he stopped. Kid said that he was leveling out by drinking and doing coke. He said that he had to learn how to drink again. He said that you can go sideways by doing that. He said that he only drinks on weekends. Howard asked if he worries about his voice at all. Kid said he really doesn't. He said that he had a cigar this morning. He said he only smokes cigars. He said you don't inhale them. He said it's kind of like saying you do cocaine but don't do crack.
Howard asked who this woman was in the studio. Kid said she has never even seen a beer. Howard asked what's wrong with her. Howard asked if she has made love to Kid. Kid said he learned not to mess with the help. Howard asked if he ever has sex on the cruise. Kid said no. He said that could turn into a mess.
Howard said Kid is critical of other performers. Howard said he read that he said that he can't wait to see what happens to Justin Bieber. Kid said that he's like watching Vanilla Ice all over again. He said it's exactly the same. He said once he has a hit song he'll be just like him. Howard said he must hate that end of the music business. Kid said that the kid has the world at his hands but it's sad to see him go down this trajectory. He said he kind of feels for the kid. Howard said you feel bad for him because he has so many people around him treating him like an adult. Kid said he has a Ferrari and he's letting people drive his car. He said it's not like he grew up with these rappers who are driving his cars.
Howard said Kid Rock's music is so different that they can't categorize it. Kid said he's had a lot of fun with it. He said it was tough to get over the hump at first but now that he's older he's accepted by most people.
Howard said Kid said that Maroon 5 is very talented but he doesn't like the direction they're going in. Kid said he thought they were doing the band thing but now they're doing pop music. Howard asked if he objects to Moves like Jagger. Kid said he wouldn't play that with his windows down in his car. He said that it was a big hit for them and that's great but it's not his thing. Howard asked if he has gone to Adam and asked to produce their album. Kid said he has no time for that.
Howard asked Kid if he's fun to party with. Kid said of course he is. Howard asked if he's close to Hank Williams and if he has any problems with what he says. Kid said he does hang with him and he has no problem with what he says. Howard said he says a lot of gay stuff and uses the N-word. Kid said they all use the N-word. Howard asked this woman Jess who was in studio what she thinks about that. Jess said she's just there to sing background. Howard asked if she has a boyfriend. She said she's married. Howard asked if he uses the N-word. She said he doesn't. Howard asked another guy in the band, Hershel, if he has a problem with that word. That guy mumbled something.
Howard asked Kid about how critical he is of him doing AGT. Kid said that if he's having fun doing it then that's the end of the conversation. Howard said he loves that he's opinionated. Howard said that he likes that he says he doesn't like him doing AGT. Howard said that would be like him saying he doesn't want him doing country music and Kid saying fuck you. Kid said that's right. He said that people should be honest. He said that they can talk about it and move on. He said it's like politics and how hurt people get talking about things like that.
Howard asked Kid about his son being mixed race and how he can't use the N-word. Kid asked why not. Howard laughed. Robin said that the word is wrong no matter what.
Howard said Kid is doing something fantastic. Howard said he's changing the pricing of the concert tickets. Howard said that he decided it was bullshit and said that things have gotten out of hand. Howard said that the Stones were charging $650 for seats in the lower bowl. Howard said Kid said that he won't go to show like that. Howard said there should be a certain moral thing there. Kid said that this could be the Stones last tour and he wouldn't want to go out like that. He said they should charge fair prices for their tickets. He said that would show that they're cool ass mother fuckers. He said that they have to have saved for a rainy day. Howard said he thinks he's right. Howard said that even if they charged $200 it would be more fair. Howard said he knows how expensive it is to run a rock show.
Howard said Kid is charging $20 for concert tickets and trying not to charge for parking. Kid said that they have different laws around the country so the parking is one thing. He said that you can get tickets at Walmart for $20. He said Ticketmaster is still charging $5 extra. He said he thinks that's bullshit. Kid said that he made a deal where he will make money if he does big numbers. He said that the sales are through the roof. He said that he guessed that people would show up for $20. Kid said that the more people they do the more of the pot he gets. He said years ago he told his manager that it's bullshit what they were charging for t-shirts. He said he cut them in half. He said that he has a t-shirt company so he knows the cost. He said they sold twice as many when they cut the price and they made just as much money.
Howard said he likes that he's trying not to rip his fans off. Kid said he's not going to play for free but he thinks this is the right thing to do. He said he still thinks he's going to make money. He said he may not make as much as he's used to making but he's been blessed so far. He said he might hit close to what he was making and still be a good guy. Howard said he will pick up fans because of this. He said that this is what they use to do when they were kids. Kid said it would be nice if people could go see a bunch of shows instead of just one.
Howard asked Kid if ZZ Top is on tour with him. Kid said they are in the second half. He said Cool and the Gang are in the first half. He said that they have 13 people in that band. Howard said ZZ Top has to be the most underrated band around. Kid said they are all great.
Howard asked Kid if he has a giant penis. He told him about the big penis guys he had in there yesterday. Howard asked Jesse if she laughs at 6 inches. She said she thinks that's favorable. Howard asked how big her husband is. She said he's a tall man. Howard asked if he's normal size. She said ''Oh my god.'' Howard asked if he's at least 6 inches. She said he's not a small man. Howard said he might be the only honest one in there. Howard asked Hershel if he's 9 inches. He said he's never measured.
Howard asked Kid Rock if he's huge. Kid said he's more than 6 inches. Kid said that he went to a clinic for back pain and said he had problems from carrying all of this dick around.
Howard said that Kid is going to perform a song now. Kid said they're trying to do a song that they can do at 7:30 in the morning.
Howard introduced the band and said that Marlon Young is on guitar. Howard said the drummer has been in the band for a long time. Howard said hello to Larry on the Cajon. Howard said that he has one of those. Howard said that he usually plays drums. Howard had him play that a little bit for him. Howard said that it sounds good. Howard said Hershel is doing backing vocals. Howard asked if he dreams of being the front man. Hershel said he doesn't. He said he enjoys doing what he does. Kid said that he's great too.
Howard said hello to Jessica and asked how long she's been a back up singer. She said she's been with Kid for about 5 and a half years now. Howard asked if she's ever tried out for The Voice or anything like that. She said she actually did. She said they strung her along for a while but then told her not this year. Kid said that's why he has such a problem with these shows. He told Howard how great Jessica is and how if Howard saw her doing her dance moves his penis would grow to 8 inches immediately.
Howard brought up how Kid went up on stage and pointed out the lip synching and how he never does that. Howard said he misses that element of singing live. Howard said that some performers go out and use a backing track. Kid said they're even doing that in Nashville now. He said that they will sing live but it's more like a Karaoke contest when they do that. Howard said it's like the person dancing to their own song.
Howard asked Kid if he got a lot of shit for what he said. Kid said they didn't mind it. He said he never even saw the rest of the show. He said he was watching a hockey game instead of the award show.
Howard said that Kid and his band are going to perform now. They went right into their song ''All Summer Long.''
After the song Howard said Jessica was dancing during the song. He said she can't help it. Howard said that's what you get for $20 a head. Howard said that Kid sounds great. Kid said just imagine what it sounds like at 9 at night. Kid said that it takes a while to get your voice warmed up. Kid said Howard's voice sounds great at this time of morning. Howard said it's shot later in the day. By the time he gets to his psychiatrist he can barely talk.
Howard asked if Kid has ever been to a shrink. Kid said only when a woman wanted him to go. Howard asked if Sheryl Crow made him go. Kid said she never did. Howard asked if he would want his girlfriend out on tour with him. Kid said it's a blast when she's on tour with him. Howard said that he must hate it.
Howard said that Kid was on tour with Lance Armstrong, Robin Williams and Lewis Black. Kid said that Robin came up with the name The Unaballer for Lance. Kid said they were staying in bunk beds and Lewis Black and Robin Williams were telling jokes about how they got stuck there. He said he laughed so hard he thinks he pissed the bed. Kid said that things would slow down and then Lance would let a fart rip. He said then the joking would start up all over again. Howard asked if everyone there had a normal penis. Kid said he's not checking out penises.
Howard said Kid put his music on iTunes finally. He was a hold out for a long time. Kid said that it was about the record company and getting paid fair. He said that they screw you on the records. Kid said that he's not going to be told what to sell his products at. Howard said he heard his albums are selling really well. Kid said that his last album didn't sell well but the catalog is selling well. He said his last album just went gold. He said he hired some people to go out and sell his albums at the concerts. He said they sell 1,500 CDs a night doing that. He said they get them for 6 bucks and sell them for 10. Kid said that things are different now and they have to think outside the box to sell albums now. He said the old days of selling 14 million albums is over. He said that he's glad he got into the business when he did. He said today it's not so easy to sell albums.
Howard said they're great and it was a pleasure having them in there. Howard said that Kid Rock is currently out on his Best Night Ever tour. Howard said you can find out more at KidRock.com. He said that his album Rebel Soul is out now and he's going to play a track off the album as they go to break.
Howard said he hates that Kid goes hunting with Ted Nugent. Kid said he loves it. Howard said he doesn't eat meat anymore. Kid laughed. Gary said Howard called him unevolved for taking the guys out to eat beef. Kid said he's uninformed. He said eating beef is good for you. He said your body needs that. Howard said Kid loves the sport of hunting. Kid said he does.
Howard played Kid's song ''Redneck Paradise'' as he ended the interview. He talked the song up like he was on WNBC. Howard fucked it up and talked over the start of the song. They went to break after that.
Howard said he just wolfed down some fruit. He was belching because of that. Howard said that girl was so hot. He said she had that big afro and she had big boobs. Robin said she had curves.
Howard said he must have listened to 10 million Robin songs last night. He said they have to do the news early because Matt Lauer is coming in after the Today show. Howard said he was reading about this Bill Evans guy and how he got into a fight with his wife. Howard said he read the account of what he did to her and what she did to him. Howard said they were in a fight and the wife claims that she grabbed the waist band of his underwear as he went to grab his keys. Howard read some of the article and it says that grabbing the underwear made his scrotum bleed. She gave him a wedgie. Robin said that she read that she hit him with a hanger and bruised his butt. Howard said she must be really strong.
Robin said that he's not on the air anymore. Howard said now the guy is interesting. He said this is when they should put him on the air. Robin said that this all happened up in Connecticut and another reporter lives up there and got into some trouble. Robin said that he has to pass a breathalyzer test in front of his wife before he's allowed to drive their child to school. Howard said everyone is out of control.
Howard played a commercial parody about Anthony Weiner and how he's not afraid to show his cock. Howard said that he should just embrace that whole thing. He said he should just say that he's proud to show his cock.
Howard said as a guy in therapy he knows that things take a lifetime to get past. Howard said tweeting pictures of your cock is something that you're going to spend a lot of time on. Howard said that's like a weatherman getting into a fight with his wife. Howard said not too many people are going to put up with that.
Howard said that the Charlie Sheen story is crazy. Howard said Selma Blair signed on to be on Anger Management with Charlie and now she's complaining that he's hard to work with. Howard said that would be like dating Tiger Woods and being surprised that he's cheating on you. Howard said that Charlie Sheen isn't going to be easy to work with and she had to know that. Howard said Charlie is a lunatic. Howard said the guy is the executive producer of the show. He said he doesn't show up on time and he's still the executive producer of the show. Howard said FX seems to be fine with all of this. Howard said they knew who they hired. Howard said this is the greatest story of the day. Robin asked if anyone is even watching the show. Gary said Jon Hein says it's not doing very well in the ratings.
Howard said that they are fostering a dog and Beth announced that they're now fostering 6 kittens. Howard said they have no mother so they have to be taken care of. Howard said he thinks that she's breast feeding them. Howard said he came home yesterday like a bear. He said he had meetings all day and he was crazed. He said that Beth told him the news about the kittens and he said okay. Howard said he agreed to help and didn't realize it. He said once he gets some sleep he'll be fine about it. He said when he's cranky it's the worst time to break that news to them. Howard said that they have to keep the kittens until they're ready. He said they have to wait like 3 weeks. Howard said he's going to find out what he has to do this weekend. He said they have four cats of their own already. Howard said he's okay with the fostering thing. He said Beth is good with it too. He said she's going to go to the people's homes to deliver the kittens. Howard said that if you want the fosters then you can get pictures. He said they'll have the link up on HowardStern.com soon.
Howard said he's going to name all of the cats. He said that Beth would like them to stay together if they can do that. Howard said he will be taking care of the kittens for the next 3 weeks. Howard said that if you adopt one of them Beth will bring it to your house.
Howard said he's a good person for going along with this. Robin said Beth is the good person. Howard said he's going along with it though.
Howard said the kittens were in a kill shelter so Beth couldn't bare it and took them in. Howard said that drove her crazy so she had to do something about it.
Howard said that he'll post some photos this weekend of the kittens. Howard said that he can have a heart too. Robin said he can act like he does.
Howard said he has a couple of Robin songs and one is amazing. Howard played one by Psych who sang to ''Walk this Way'' by Aerosmith. Howard said he had one by Psych that was mind blowing. Howard said this is like a masterpiece. Howard said that they parody the song by Robin Thicke and it's remarkable. Howard played that one next. The song was ''Robin Sit Your Ass On My Face.'' Robin got a laugh out of that one. Howard said he loved it. He thought it was a masterpiece.
Howard played another song by Little Mikey. Howard said that he was listening to them last night and he was laughing at them. That's what gets them on the show. Howard said Eli Braden was at it too. Howard played one of his new ones. Howard said he likes that one too. Howard said he had a second Eli song. Howard played that and then another one by Eli. He said he had another one after that. Howard said the guy must work on this stuff all day long. They were endless. Howard played one after another.
Howard said there were so many and he probably rejected 50. Howard said that they weren't that bad but he had so many. Robin asked if Eli was just fired or something. Howard said maybe he was. Howard said they should team up and form a super group. Robin said that Eli and Mikey have gone out together but they won't team up with Psych.
Howard said that it turns out that Eric was Derick. Howard asked Shuli if he has anything else on that. Shuli came in and said that Eric sent him a note the night before about how Derick was in the witness protection program after witnessing a drive by shooting so he won't be heard from anymore.
Robin said they were done with Eric before Eric was done with them. Howard said that people were sending in songs about Derick from Texas already. He played a couple of those parodies. They were all about Derick being Eric.
Howard said the saga of Eric the Actor continues. Howard said Derick is gone. Shuli said he had a great role and he gave up on it already. Howard said this is why he has to do show prep. He said that it's so hard to follow. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Ryan Seacrest and his girlfriend breaking up. Robin said that he was dating Julianne Hough. Howard said that he's confident like John Stamos. Howard said that no girl is ever going to marry him because he can fuck any chick he wants. Howard said he's still not clear on his sexuality though. Howard said that he heard a story about him just laying in bed with a chick without banging her. Howard said he doesn't know what his deal is. Howard said he seems to be straight though.
Howard said he's angry with women who go home with him. He said he's never going to marry any of them. Robin said she knew a stunning girl who went out with him once and she had a problem with alcohol. Robin said that she ended up throwing up in a plant and had a meltdown at the wedding he took her to. Robin said that she screwed the whole thing up and wondered why she screws up the important things.
Howard said that he got a lot of email about his Jimmy Fallon appearance. Howard read through some of that. Howard said he got one from someone who thought that he crashed on the show. That person thought Jimmy was put off by his attack. Howard said that he isn't always so lovable. Howard said someone said ''poor jimmy'' after he took over the show. Howard said he thought it was one of his best appearances ever. Howard said that Jimmy is willing to let him do what he wants to do on the show and lets him be himself. Howard said 99.9 percent of the people thought it was good but there are people who just don't get it. Howard said he went on there and gave people a show.
Howard said a lot of people liked the Benjy or Animal game. Howard said they want them to bring it back. Howard said he had a conversation with Benjy and he is working on something called is it Benjy or a Machine. Benjy said he's studying machines now. Howard said they'll be playing that in 2016 or so.
Robin got back to her news and read about these spinning classes and how a school in the city has put their bikes in a pool for more resistance. Howard said they could just add resistance to the bike. Howard said he's been invited to some of those classes. Howard said he kind of wants to try it but he knows it's not for him. He said it has to be stinky in there. Gary said he has done it and it's a super work out but super gay too. He said it is stinky too. He said once he had a gay instructor and he dedicated the whole class to diamonds. Gary said he wasn't into that so much.
Howard said it must hurt your balls. Gary said you have to wear bike shorts. He said that one class had no windows and the mirror in the room would steam up with people's sweat. Howard said that's gross. He said he went to the gym yesterday and he ran. He said that he ran outside and it doesn't matter how you smell outside.
Howard talked about working on AGT and how he's on such a different schedule than the rest of them. He said that they do lunch at 5pm while he's eating his dinner. He said that they think he's nuts but that's the way he has to do things.
Robin said that Dr. Drew was in there talking about Rachel Uchitel and how he'd cured her. Robin said her husband has filed for divorce. Robin said she has said that she's happy about the divorce even though she says it was sprung on her. Robin said the husband says that it was cruel and unusual punishment after a year and a half of marriage.
Howard read some email about Robin having something against Heidi Klum and how it must be jealousy. Robin said she has said some nice things about her lately. Howard said he noticed that. He said he'll have to tell her. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about how they have a name for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's baby. Robin said that Brad Pitt is out promoting World War Z and he's going out with regular people to help promote it. Gary said Richard went there and saw Brad Pitt and he was screaming like a girl. Howard said that Richard had a picture of him on his wall when he was growing up. Robin said that Brad Pitt is being asked for advice for Kim and Kanye's baby. Robin said that he has accomplishments and he shouldn't be asked about that. Robin said the baby's name is Kaidence Donda West.
Howard played a clip of a guy at a movie screening where Brad Pitt showed up. He was yelling and moaning in a really creepy way. Howard played another clip of a guy moaning in a porn movie. He said that the guys are doing things to try and be famous but they're just ruining it. Howard said the guy is cumming on a Barbie doll in that clip. Howard said Sal and Richard find the weirdest shit. Sal said that they found that on Efukt. He said it was from a montage of guys cumming. He said he was shooting loads all over a Barbie doll. He said you can't even see the guy in the shot.
Sal said that his son received an award from Barack Obama. Howard said Sal is such a retard. Howard said Sal is going around showing this award to people there. It's the Excellence in Education award. Howard said Obama didn't give him the award. He said it's just a certificate. Howard said if you're proud of your son don't act like a knucklehead. Sal said he got a letter from Obama too. Howard said that he's acting like a nut around there. Howard congratulated his son on that. Howard did a live commercial read and took a break after that.
After the break, around 8:45am, Howard came back and said that someone mashed up Enter Sandman by Metallica with ''It's Too Big'' by Jonah Falcon. Howard played the mash up and it actually worked. Howard said that was a nice mash up. Robin said it was a nightmare.
Howard said he likes that he asked Sal if he makes fun of Obama and he says no. Then Richard brought in a song parody that Sal did after he got into the White House. Howard played the parody that was to the tune of The Jeffersons theme song.
Robin said that Valerie Harper is working on a documentary about her cancer fight. Robin said that she's going to have cameras following her around while she goes through treatment. Howard said that seems to be kind of morbid. Howard said he's not sure he'd want cameras following him around if he was dying. Robin said Farrah Fawcett did the same thing when she was dying. Howard said maybe the cameras make you feel better. Robin said Meredith Viera is going to be part of that.
Howard said he has to ask Matt about Meredith Viera. Howard said she gave up the Today show and went to do that Millionaire show.
Robin read about a body being found near a football player's home. Robin said they say the person has some sort of link to the guy. Robin said they were alerted to go look in his home. Robin said they say that they're not sure what he has to do with that case.
Howard said there was a story about a guy who was in jail for 24 years after being wrongly accused. Howard said they gave him 6 million dollars for the mistake and now his ex-wife is suing him for some of the money. Robin asked if someone is actually entertaining that. Howard said someone is. Robin said people are just opportunists.
Howard said he read about some people who were abducted and enslaved in Ohio. Howard said he's wondering if they put these stories out to get attention for Ohio since they never get any attention. Robin read about what happened to this woman and how these guys were torturing these people with pit bulls and snakes. Robin said it was two men and a woman who were accused of doing this to this woman and her child.
Howard said that people are flocking to the Phoenix airport to see a smudge on the floor that looks like Jesus. Howard said people are nuts. He asked who the maniacs are that go to the airport to see Jesus on a floor tile. Howard said that he'd like to send the Howard 100 News Crew out there to ask people what they see. Howard said he wants to hear who is out there with that.
Robin said there was a great episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David accidentally peed on a picture of Jesus and the people in the house thought Jesus was crying. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about this guy who named his kid Adolf Hitler and how he has a new girlfriend who he's knocked up. Robin said they're going to name that child after a famous Nazi when it's born. Robin said that this baby was conceived even though the woman was on the pill. Robin said that the guy is unemployed and on public assistance. Howard said he read that Kim Jong Un gave out the book ''Mein Kampf'' as a party favor at a party. Howard said that he wasn't kidding about that either.
Robin said that Mariah Carey was in more pictures in her bikini. Howard said that she was there without Nick too.
Robin read about how the military wants to put more women in combat roles. Robin said they are saying the days of Rambo are over. Robin had some audio of an official talking about that. Howard said that if they're going to treat everyone equally then you have to let women do that. Howard said that men are physically stronger than women but he's gotten his ass kicked by women on many occasions. Robin was in the air force. Howard asked what she was. She said she was a captain. Howard said that sounds pretty major to him. Robin said she feels there are roles that women can play in combat. Robin said there may be some things they're not qualified for though. Robin said it will be interesting to see if they make it to the rangers or seals.
Robin read a story about how 50 terror plots have been foiled because of the spying the NSA has been doing over the years. Howard said he believes that. He said there are some people who don't believe any of that. Robin said there are some people who don't deserve to be spied upon. Howard said that next time there's a terrorist attack then don't complain. Howard said he's not going to throw out a system that stops terrorist attacks. Howard said if you don't want to be spied upon then don't talk on the phone or email. Howard said he has conversations with Beth that he won't have on the phone.
Robin read about how they're still looking for Jimmy Hoffa. Howard said he cares for some reason. They had to take another break after that. Howard did a live one and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Matt Lauer is there. Howard said he's excited about that. Howard said Matt had to interview Gary Dell'Abate on the Today show. Howard said they have to know how that was. Matt said it was one of the best interviews he's ever done. Matt said that he did not read Gary's book ahead of time. He said that he can't read that many books though. He said that the segment producers have to give him notes. He said he loves to read but he has to read so much for work that he has lost the pleasure of reading books. Matt said when he's done with the Today show he's going to read more books.
Howard asked Matt what he reads in the morning. Matt said he has to go 10 blocks and he reads the Daily News and the NY Post and he's done in 10 blocks. He said he gets into the NY Times after that. Howard asked if he thinks that's the best paper ever. Matt said he's not sure about that. He said that they are still pretty great but there has been some erosion there. Matt said he thinks that they have been lazy at times.
Howard asked Matt what he does when he's told he has to interview someone he doesn't want to. Matt said he clearly has no clout since Gary made it to air. Howard said he must have hated doing the interview with the guy who did the documentary about Jerry Sandusky. Matt said that Howard is getting that from somewhere and he never said he had a problem with it. He said that he didn't back away from it and never said it was a problem. He knew that they were going to get a lot of feedback about it.
Matt told Howard that they did an interview at the Jersey Shore live with the Jersey Shore people and Chris Christie. He said that he would prefer not to do that and he'll work with the producers on that. Matt said that he has to decide if it's good in the long run. Matt said that the things you think are going to pop ratings may not do it.
Howard asked Matt what they thought was going to pop the ratings and didn't. Matt said that the travel stuff is something that may not do well. He said that the Where's Matt thing works very well actually. Howard said he would have told Matt not to do that. He said he doesn't like it. Howard said he knows he can do a better show from the studio than a show in Las Vegas or something.
Matt said that they have done things on the show that have popped the ratings and they will do it. Matt said he thinks that taking the show on the road will add a bit of adrenalin to the show. He said being in the studio every day can get tiresome. He said taking the show on the road is like putting it in front of an instant focus group.
Matt said morning shows have always traveled. He said he thinks that Where in the World works because people didn't know where he was going. He said he loved doing it the first few years he did it. He said they were going to different continents every day. Howard said he doesn't care where he goes. He said he cares about Matt doing a provocative interview. He said that Tom Cruise was on that stuck out for him. He said that he was on the show talking about Brooke Shields and Matt popped him pretty good and gave it to him.
Matt said he knew that Tom was going to change when he asked him the question. He said that he just let it go and he had plenty of time because it was a taped interview. He said he thinks that Tom going off about anti-depressants led to a lot of emails. He said that people were mad that Tom was in his living room and being disrespectful to him. Howard said he was mouthing off to Matt like Matt was a dope. Matt said that Tom came forward since then and said that was a strange time in his life and he's been very nice to him since then. Howard said that Tom was at the roast for Matt and he was very funny. He said he put himself into a PR nightmare at that time. He said someone must have gotten a hold of him and told him to shut up. He said he could have ruined his whole career.
Howard asked if Tom ever called him up after he did the interview. Matt said that he thinks that they did get a call from Tom's people about that discussion but they didn't cut it out because without that there was no interview.
Howard asked Matt about doing the interview with Hillary Clinton and asking her about the rumors that her husband might be cheating on her. She denied it saying that it was a right wing conspiracy. Matt said that he thought that she was going to cancel the interview because of Monica Lewinsky coming forward. He said that he had to fly back to do the interview. He said that he knew it would be tense. Matt said there were satellite trucks lining 49th street and they were going to be watching Hillary talking about this. He said that they took their names out of the whole thing and asked her if she thinks that any President should be impeached for doing something like that. That's what led to her saying it wasn't going to happen and that it was a whole right wing conspiracy.
Matt said he doesn't get nervous about those kind of interviews. He said he gets nervous interviewing Howard. He said he knows Howard and he doesn't want Howard to have a bad time. Howard said he gets nervous too. He said that he knows Matt and he feels weird about it too.
Howard said all of the male guests he's had in the studio this week all have over 9 inches. Matt said the trend is continuing now. Howard said he figured he was big. He told Robin that.
Matt asked Howard if he saw this Robin Thicke video. Howard said he has. He said he loves it. Howard said it reminds him of the old days of MTV. He said that no one talks about videos anymore. He said now people are talking about this one. Matt said that he was surprised that this was Robin Thicke. He said that it seems to be a departure for him. Howard said that Alan Thicke had custody of Robin when he was young and he was dating Miss Universe and people like that. He said he must have seen hot chicks like that all the time. Matt said he saw some women complaining about the lyrics of the song saying they were rape. Matt said that he watched the video and wondered if his son found that version. He said he didn't want him to see it but now he can't get the song out of his head. He said it's very catchy. Howard said it's a Marvin Gaye kind of song.
Howard asked Matt if he has any way to control what his kids watch. Matt said that they do have parental controls on their computer and they found out that their 12 year old was going into the 6 year old's profile to sneak on the internet. He said kids today can be on something and even by accident. He said that some web sites are just one typo away.
Matt said that his 11 year old son is exploding about girls. He said that at his age he wasn't like that. Howard said he had a girlfriend at 11. Matt said his son is much different than he was at that age. Howard said he had a girlfriend at 12 and the girl had like a D-cup.
Howard asked Matt if he's kidding about the 9 inches. Matt told him to talk to Annette about that. Howard said he will. Howard said he was booked on the Today show and he went to Annette and told her that he wanted to get into bed with her and Matt and do the interview that way. Matt said he chickened out of doing that.
Howard asked Matt if he gets jealous of the lesser players on the Today show. Matt said he doesn't. Howard said that Al Roker can go on the show and not worry. Matt said Al is a key player on the show. He said that Howard underestimates him. He said that Al co-hosts the 9 o'clock hour of the show. He said he works a lot on the outdoor segments and he's very important.
Howard asked Matt who he thinks was the best co-host he had. Matt said that Katie was the person that was there when he got there and it was his dream job. He said that it wasn't easy all the time though. He said that it was 10 years and not every day was a bed of roses. He said overall they're very much the same person. He said they had a good and easy chemistry. Howard asked if he knew that she had a crush on him. Matt said that he gets letters from her all the time. Howard asked if he was attracted to her. Matt said all of America was attracted to her. He said she has a great personalty and she's attractive. He said she's fun.
Howard asked if Meredith Viera was the second best. Matt said that she was beloved by everyone on staff. He said that she's doing great now. Matt said he wanted to hug her all the time he was working with her.
Matt said that he thinks she left the show because she wanted to be with the kids more before they went to college.
Howard asked Matt if he still likes doing the show. Matt said he's been doing the show for a very long time now. He said he's been waking up early for 20 some years. He said that it didn't bother him but it's getting harder now. Howard said it has to be constant pressure. Matt said it is.
Howard said people don't realize what it's like for Matt on that show. Howard said he doesn't have the control that people think he does. Matt said people do think that he is powerful there but he's really not. Howard asked if he's sick of it all. Matt said he's not. Matt said that if he thinks that if he offered some young kid a 20 year contract to do the Today show where 17 years of it was like living a dream and one or two were awful, they'd jump at the chance.
Gary came in and said that Matt really has to go. Howard and Matt wrapped up. Howard said he wishes he had more time up there. Matt said they'll do it another time. Howard told Matt that he has a kitten for him. Matt said he already got a gift certificate for Sirius so he's fine. Matt said that they don't need a kitten. Howard let Matt go a short time later.
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Howard asked Robin if she believes that he never had sex with Katie Couric. Robin said she does. She said that the dynamic never really changed so she believes it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks that his success on AGT gives him better quality of guests on the radio show. Howard said the reason they have great quality guests is because of the crew that works there with him. He said that Gary, Jason, Will, Jon Hein, Steve Brandano and others do a lot of stuff there. He said they work incredibility hard there. Howard said there are guys he's not even mentioning that are working really hard and stepping up their game. He said they work late into the night and don't just work 9-5 jobs.
The caller said that he still thinks that Howard could end up doing a late night TV show. Howard said he was approached about late night TV recently. He said they had a very interesting idea for a show and it would be mind blowing. Howard said that he's committed to America's Got Talent right now and his morning radio show is the main focus. Howard said he can only do so much. Robin said Nick Cannon can do everything.
Howard said he's involved in a project now that the fans are going to like. He said that he's been working on this thing for a long time. He said that it's too early to talk about though. He said there are some great things coming down the pipeline.
Howard said this late night idea was great but he doesn't have the time. He said there's just not time in the day for all of this.
The caller said that he knows that the radio show will last a long time. Howard said he was talking to the people at Sirius about how long he's going to be around. He said if he's having fun he's going to stick around. He said as long as Robin is there he'll be there too. Howard said it all depends on his fun factor and how long Robin is there.
Howard said he was on the phone with Ralph last night too. He said in the summer it's hard to rest when it's bright out so late.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that they should just do the show at 8am and all of his problems would go away. Howard said even 7 would be good. He said that he has to come in early to get his hair done. Howard said he has to go over show stuff with the guys and he can't really cut it shorter.
Ralph said that on GEEKTIME his week he has Terrence Stamp on. Howard said Ralph didn't bring up how he doesn't like the new General Zod. Howard said that Ralph should have asked about that.
Howard asked how World War Z was. Ralph said it was good. He said they have some really cool moments in it. He said he thinks Howard will like it. Robin said she doesn't like the CGI in the movie. Robin said when you can tell, it bothers her. Ralph said that some of the fight scenes in Superman were too CGI-ish. Howard said they're too particular.
Howard got back to Mark Harris' songs and played one called Elle, Elle. Howard played that one and asked if it was German. Robin said it is. Howard played another one called ''If We Only Had Love'' and goofed on that one. Fred played a goat sound while that one was playing. Howard sang like Mark with the goat sound going. Fred threw in the goat sound some more as Howard played more of the song.
Howard said that someone needs to do a documentary about what's going on in that house. Howard told Jon Leiberman to get on that. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:05am.
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Jon said they should lead off with Lisa's book. He said Benjy and Shuli are in there so he wanted to talk about that. Jon said that she's had a certain persona on the show and people are skeptical about her stories in the book. Jon asked if that's fair. Benjy said he thinks it's fair if they don't believe her but it doesn't seem so crazy to him. He said that she didn't want to reveal that there on the air so she did it in the book. Jon asked if he feels any differently about her. Benjy said a little bit. Jon said that she did talk about doing drugs.
Jon asked Shuli how he feels about this. Shuli said he has yet to see any of this being part of this being in her past. He said that nothing phases this woman. He said he's known her since they started there and he doesn't see it. Shuli said he can see it with some people but not with Lisa. He said he doesn't see her as a crazy, wild person. Jon said maybe she was and she's just changed up. Shuli said that Jon is ready to explode about this. He said that they have a nice rivalry going on in the news room. He said if they want to start the dance off he's more than willing to play the music for them.
Jon said Lisa said that she used to be a workaholic and today she's not. He said that Howard was very nice to her in the studio today. He said we'll have to wait to see how the book thing goes.
Benjy said that all the doctor proved was that Lexi Love had urine come out. He said that was just one person. Shuli said that if he didn't have a job he could test women all day long. Benjy said if it was female ejaculate, is it okay to get it in your face. Gary said that society has deemed that it's not okay to drink a woman's urine.
Gary said they're heading into the vortex again. He said that the doctor proved that it was urine and that's that. Benjy said that it was just one woman and they'd have to test more than that. Gary asked how many would have to be tested to prove it to Benjy. Benjy said about 30,000. He said that the tests have been done already and they have shown that it's not urine.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it seems that Benjy and Ronnie are piss drinkers. Jon said he's not sure about that. He said they think they're drinking a woman's ejaculate. Shuli said that it's all in the way it comes out. He said that he knows that it's piss that's been blasted in Ronnie's face. Ronnie said he doesn't know anything. He said that maybe Lexi Love pissed that day. Shuli told him that she peed into a cup and then went to do the squirting thing. He said that what came out was urine.
Gary said that Shuli told him he got a phone call from Ronnie's girlfriend asking questions about the tests they did on the squirting. She wanted to know why they didn't test it for glucose. Ronnie asked Shuli what he knows anyway. Shuli was saying that Stephanie works at a vet so how is she an expert on squirting. They went back and forth on that for a few seconds.
Jon asked Ronnie about the squirting thing and if he drinks it. Ronnie said he doesn't drink it. He said if he gets shot in the mouth he might drink it or he might spit it out. Jon asked what it tastes like. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said it's just liquid. He said it feels thicker to him than his own piss. He said that it's not like piss.
Will Murray came in and said that he believes in squirting. He said that most people will tell you that it's not. Will said he's not sure who Dr. Fisch is anyway. Shuli said he's on at 5pm on Howard 101, that's who he is.
Benjy said that all guys have given oral sex and asked what the wetness is down there. Shuli said there is but the amount that women are ''squirting'' is too much to be ejaculate.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she's glad that Will is sticking up for Ronnie. She said that women do cum. She said it is not pee. Gary said he has been with a reasonable amount of women and he's never been with a woman who squirts. Shuli said he got squirted on in the studio. Gary said he thinks that was piss. He said that he thinks that the girls are intentionally squirting. He said he asked Al Goldstein about it once and Al told him it was just urine. Shuli said he knows that some women douche down there and fill up with water on purpose.
Shuli said he's been with a squirter. Ronnie said he's never pulled his cock out and never had it covered in a woman's juices. Everyone sounded grossed out by his comments.
Jon asked Ronnie if his own stuff is coming out when he pulls out. Ronnie said that he didn't say that. He said that maybe the guys there have just never had a good fucking. Ronnie said they talk about anal around there and talk about having shit on their dick. He said big deal, you just wash it off. Ronnie said he has a good time in life.
Lisa G came in so Jon moved on to her. He said that today Lisa was talking about a different side of herself. He asked how that feels to reveal that stuff. Lisa said it wasn't hard at all. She said that people would make fun of her for playing violin and staying home with her cat. She said that she used to just keep going and going and stying home wasn't what she did.
Jon asked Lisa if people were surprised that she was so wild. Gary said he knew Lisa back then but he never knew her as that. Lisa said she was busy going after other guys.
Will asked Lisa what cocaine tasted like. Lisa said that she just remembers liking it and her gums feeling numb. Gary asked if she ever hooked up with any guests she had on the show. Lisa said that she never did. Gary said that he has stories he can't tell on the air because of his wife and Lisa must have stories. Lisa said that she went with one guy who was married and one guy she met at a radio station years ago.
Benjy asked if Lisa is in a relationship now. Lisa said she's not but she's been dating. She said she's fine with that. Benjy asked if she still has casual sex. Lisa said that it's not as casual as it used to be. Lisa said that she used to just jump into bed with guys in the past. Will asked if she has a booty call list. Lisa said she doesn't now.
Jon asked about the squirting thing. Lisa said she doesn't know much about it. She said that she was there when the girl squirted in Gary's eye though. She said she didn't think it was urine back then. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the Presidential awards are boring because they give so many out. He said that they give them away to a lot of kids. Sal said his son was Class President this year too. Gary asked if he thinks that has something not do with it. The caller said being class president is pretty good. Sal said that his son is an honor student. He said that it has Obama's name on the pin and it came from the White House. He said that he knows Obama isn't looking at it. He said he knows that the letter is probably photo copied. He said that it came from the White House. Gary said it's all semantics. Sal asked Gary where all of his letters from the President are. Gary said he has a bunch on his door.
Gary said he donated some money to the Democratic party and he and his wife sent him letters thanking him for that. Sal said that they're in the same boat then.
Sal said that his son is very smart and he can't believe that he created him. He said he has to have him tested.
Jon said that Sal crow barred that whole thing in with Howard today. Sal said he's very proud of his son Aeden for this. He said that he did say ''By the way...'' and it was kind of insulting when Howard said they were all making fun of him in the back.
Benjy said he thinks that Sal knows that it's funny to say that Obama sent it. Sal said that it was an abridged version. Benjy said that Sal knows it's funny. Sal said he was proud of his son for getting an award.
The guys were talking about Kid Rock being on the show today and how he was talking about using the N-word. Gary said he has a bone to pick with Robin about the whole thing. He said that Robin said that the word should go away but there are people like Kanye West who use the word. He said that he agrees that it should go away but there are people who don't seem to think it should.
Sal asked if he should censor himself saying the N-word when he sings karaoke. He said that he would have to and that's ridiculous. Steve Brandano said that he saw Kanye do a show recently and he was singing a song and had the audience singing along and they were a bunch of white people singing the N-word.
Will said he's not comfortable saying that word. Sal laughed and said he's heard him at baseball games using a word that isn't nincompoop.
Jon talked about the back up singer that everyone was into today. He said that she was very attractive. Gary said they were all liking her.
Jon took a call from Sour Shoes who asked Ronnie to put some pee pee in his mouth. They all got a laugh out of that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Gary knew that Matt only had 25 minutes in the studio. Gary said that he did when he got there. He said that he was supposed to be there for an hour but they changed things up and cut it short. Things come up when you're a news guy and that's what happened today. They went to break after that.
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Jon said that it's not the Matt Lauer show and he may have some influence but there are a lot of people who have power there. Gary said that Matt seems to have some say but he's not sure he has the ability to say ''fire her'' and get her fired.
Jon asked Gary if he was surprised that Matt didn't read his book before doing the show. Gary said he wasn't surprised.
Jon asked Gary about Matt talking about the penis thing. Jon said that Matt said that he changed subjects and deflected after saying that the trend continues. He deflected by bringing up the Robin Thicke video.
Jon said Matt was also talking about how taking the show on the road can give them some adrenalin. Gary said Howard has never really been into traveling like that. He said that it's a pain in the ass and they could just stay there and say they're somewhere else.
Shuli said when he was in Vegas it was great. He said that he lived there when he was just a listener. He said when they showed up everyone came out to see the show. Gary said it was a great way to talk to people in person who they would just talk to on the phone.
Jon was asking Ronnie about the Las Vegas trips. That led to him calling Shuli a stalker and saying that's how he got on the show. Gary said he was a listener who contributed to the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Matt is trying to hang on and make money while he can. He said it's unfortunate. He said he thinks that no one is watching those shows anymore. He said they'll never be able to do an interview like Howard does so that's kind of sad too. Gary said no one has the time that Howard has. He said he's right about that. Jon said that Matt was the golden boy for awhile but now he's taking a lot of heat. Gary said Matt thinks that will blow over though. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
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In the clip Howard was talking about this amazing piece of tape he had. He said that he was watching this OJ Simpson video and he heard this call. Howard said they were talking about how OJ wasn't going to kill himself because guys who beat their wives are cowards. Howard said the woman he saw talking about that was absolutely right.
Howard said he has to hear this tape. Gary told him he has the guy on the phone. Howard and Robin talked about the guy who let OJ off with a light sentence before this all went down. Howard said that guy should catch some heat. Howard said he has to find out if it's true that OJ is pleading ''black stress.'' Robin said all she heard is that he's crying in his cell.
Gary told Howard about this ABC call. He said that Peter Jennings was reporting on the OJ Bronco chase. Howard said he heard Al Michaels was involved somehow too. Howard said Peter Jennings is a puppet head. He said that if it's not written down for him he can't say it. Gary said he didn't know it was a phony phone call until someone told him in his ear piece.
Howard said the caller sounds like Stepnfetchit when he's talking to Jennings and he sounds like an idiot. Howard said that someone wrote in the paper that Howard Stern and his people should stop doing this kind of thing. Howard said that he has told people to stop but they don't listen. Howard said that he has nothing to do with this. Robin said she's questioning the sources these news channels have after they let people through like this. She said that they don't check their sources and that makes her wonder what else is fake.
Howard said that he has the guy who made the call on the phone. The caller said that he made the Colin Ferguson call too. Howard said he was reading online that the fans think he's reached his peak with that call.
The caller said that he told the channel that he was from KTLA and he needed a producer right away. He said that they put him on as quick as they could. He said he could hear them rushing him on the air. The guy said he was screaming at the guy to get him on right away and they were listening. They put him right through to Peter Jennings. Howard said that they really have no screening process. The caller said that they have a better screening process there at Howard's show.
Howard said this guy gets on and then what. The caller said the producer is there next to Peter Jennings. He said that he asked if he was right there watching OJ. That's when he went into that voice and said he was Robert Higgins. Howard played the call he was talking about and you hear Peter Jennings talking about the OJ chase and how they were waiting for something to happen. Then he says that he has Robert Higgins who is in the neighborhood watching. Robert tells Peter what he's looking at and how he can see OJ slouching down. Howard said Peter is the only one who doesn't know that this is a prank call. He said even his father knew it wasn't a real caller.
Howard played more of the call and Robert was telling Peter that he sees OJ and he looks scared. He said he'd be scared too. Jennings thanks him for the call and Robert says ''And Baba Booey to y'all.'' Jennings just goes on with the reporting. Howard said he still doesn't say anything about it. Gary said he makes no reference to it at all. Stuttering John said Al Michaels comes in so he has to keep playing it. Howard said he knew that. He played the rest where Al tells Peter that he said something in code that referred to a certain radio show host.
Billy West was doing his Al Michaels impression talking about what a dope Peter Jennings was. Billy said he's surprised that Peter's head doesn't rattle.
Howard replayed the Al Michaels part of the call and laughed at how dopey Peter Jennings is. Billy did some more of his Al Michaels impression and goofed on Jennings some more. Howard finished the call where Jennings was talking about how they have them on both coasts and that's probably not the first time or the last that they'll be fooled.
Howard said he could never talk that slow and dull like Jennings was. Howard and Robin were doing impressions of Jennings and talking really slow.
Howard told the prank caller that he doesn't approve of that call. The guy said he'll never do it again. He said he does expect an F-Emmy this year though.
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In the clip Howard had Howie Mandel come in the studio. Howie said he didn't know that they were in different rooms. Howard said he thinks that Bob Goldthwait ripped off Howie's character. Howie said that he's pissed that Merv Griffin is doing his shtick. Howard said that Howie and Merv got really close. Howie and Howard talked about Merv and how in love he was with Howie. Howard said the guy really did seem to like him on the show. He said Howie was on the show all the time. Howie thanked him for remembering.
Howard asked Howie if he's working out. He said he's in good shape. Howie said he has been working out. He said he ripped off Joe Piscopo's act. He said if you tract it all back then you'll see that there's a guy named Harvey who started it all.
Howard said they were trying to figure out what Howie is worth. Howie said that he's worth about $61 million. Howard said that's not right. He went on to talk about some of the other guys who ripped Howie off. Howie said he used to go see Bozo the Clown at the Comedy Store. Howard said he goes way back.
Howard took a call from a woman who was trying to talk but Howard wasn't letting her. She had an English accent so Howard was goofing on her about that. Howard eventually told her to go ahead. She said something about Howard's ratings and how he shouldn't worry about it. Howard said she's a simpleton and hung up on her.
Howie said that he's there to plug dates. Howie tried doing them but Howard took over and gave him the plugs. Howard gave him a plug for a Westbury Music Fair date and said that he saw Kinison there. Howard said that he loves to show off how much material he has. Howie said they do it in the round and you forget where to run out so you run off the stage down the wrong aisle and feel really dumb.
Howard said he was on with Sam there and he ran out and realized he was in the parking lot. Howard said Sam and Leslie West followed him out and they were all out there. He said they were chased like the Beatles out there. Howard said everyone was mad at him after that.
Howie told Howard there is an aisle that's lit up and that's the one you're supposed to go down. Howard said he didn't realize that. Howard said what he was really trying to do was ditch Leslie. He said that's not so easy to do.
Howard said Howie looks pretty handsome. Robin said she's very upset. She said he's not doing his hands thing. Howard said he can't do that since St. Elsewhere. He said he stopped doing that after that show. Howie said it's kind of a waste of energy on radio. Robin said that Waylon Flowers brought Madam with him when he came in. Howard said Waylon is gone now. He had a problem with AIDS. Howard said he thinks Madam was put in the coffin with him. Howie said no way to that. Howard said that they said that she was contaminated with AIDS. Howie said he did have his fist up her butt.
Howie said he just had his prostate checked for the first time. Howard asked if he had an anal fissure. Howard said he had an extra hole in his butt. Howie said that must save him time on the toilet. Howard said he was very heavy at the time and he used to eat a lot of bad food. He said he had bad bathroom habits. Howie said he has no habits in the bathroom. Howard said his mother never trained him correctly. Howard said he had to get checked and the doctor went in there to check his prostate. Howard said they thought he had a prostate problem but it turns out that he had an anal fissure. Howard said this was a young doctor. Howie said he was 6 years old. He said you need a small one to get up there.
Howard said that he had this fissure on the side wall. Robin asked how wiping did that. Howard said he didn't wipe properly. He said it was a mess back there. He said he eats properly now and he's fixed it. He said he used to wipe with a fork. He said he had a big butt rake that he used. Howard said he's just trying to help the listeners out there.
Howie said he's at the age where the doctor wanted to put his fist up his ass. Howard said he had to hit the delay on that one. Howie asked if he can't say ''ass.'' Howard said t was the whole insertion thing that he can't talk about. Howard told him he can't talk about that. He said insertion is a problem. Howie asked how they can check without insertion. Howard told him to let him handle this. He told Howie to remember ''funny yes, medical no.''
Howard told Howie about what he can and can't say on the show. Howie said it's so easy once you get the hang of it. Howard said he made up all of these rules but they seem to work.
Howard gave Howie some more plugs and said he's going to make a ton of money. He said that he's playing Carnegie Hall. Howard said that's like 5,000 seats. He did the math to figure out what he can make there. Howie said it's like $100,000. He said you have to rent the hall though. Howie said he's actually not making one penny at Carnegie Hall. He said the money is going to the American Lung Association. Howard said Howie thinks he's Dr. Fiscus. Howard said he's giving away his money. Howard asked why he's doing that. Howie said he lost a parent to lung cancer. Howard said he thinks that he's joking. Howie said he was dead serious. Howard thanked him for bumming everyone out. Howie said Howard was the one who brought it up.
Howard said that's very nice of him to donate like that. He said they'll never find a cure though. Robin said she heard they will find a cure for every cancer. Howard said they've been looking for the Duchennes cure forever and they can't fix it yet. Howard said they say they found the gene that causes it but they still can't cure it. Howard said Jerry Lewis talks about that all the time on the telethon. They spent a little more time talking and then wrapped up and went to break.
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The ''Guess What's In My Ass'' Game. 06/20/07. 8:50am
Howard had Blue Iris and Big Foot come in. Big Foot was dressed in a suit. He spoke to Big Foot first and asked him where he got the money for his suit. Big Foot said he got some money by making some appearances. Blue Iris was breathing heavy into her microphone so Howard asked her about that. She said she's got asthma. She kept making all kinds of wheezing noises through the interview.
Howard asked Big Foot if he would make love to Blue Iris. He said he would so Blue seemed to be okay with that. Blue said that she has some new movies out that are about 3 minutes long each. They're available on her web site. She said that she's not doing porn right now because she's under contract to do them for her partners only.
Big Foot said that he has been making some money by selling pictures of himself standing next to a cardboard stand up of Howard. He said he gets $15 for each picture and people are glad to pay it. Blue said that she sells t-shirts on her web site as well.
Howard read that Big Foot has to take some kind of medication for his anger. Big Foot explained that and how he almost snapped a guy's neck. Howard wondered why anyone would get into his face being as big as he is. Big Foot said that he had to go to a doctor to give him something to keep him calm. He said he's on something but wasn't able to say the name. He said it was ''pam something...'' Robin said it might be Diazapam. Big Foot said that's it, it's kind of like valium. He said that he doesn't get pissed as long as he takes half a pill when he gets excited.
Howard asked Big Foot if he washed his hands after he took a shit. Big Foot said he had and whoever told him he didn't was fibbing. Artie asked Big Foot when he last showered. He took one 2 days ago. Artie said that he hadn't taken a shower and just took a shit... ''Lets play Guess What's In My Ass!''
Big Foot had taken five shit today already so Will pointed that out. Big Foot said that he had some hot chili peppers and coffee and it was like a laxative. He said he only eats one meal a day though. Howard wondered if Blue was sucking on her dentures or something because she was making all kinds of noise. She said that she had some condition that makes her make that noise uncontrollably. Robin heard that and said she had to get out of there, this place is too crazy.
Big Foot had a sore on his face and he thought it was from eating pussy too much. Howard and Artie told him it was herpes but he insisted it was just a cold sore. Artie told him that's what happens when you eat too much bad pussy. Artie also pointed out his shit filled fingernails which Will had pointed out earlier.
Howard read that Blue had gone to a hospital and now she's suing them. She said that she created some kind of group because the hospital had ruined her health or something like that. She then ran down the list of drugs she takes every day and how they've messed her up. Big Foot is also on a bunch of meds, sixteen to be exact. He's got all kinds of problems that he ran down. He mentioned that he has ''salt water disease'' which means he gets hives if he goes in the ocean. He said that's where he comes from so the guys figured he meant he came from the ocean. He said he came from Connecticut. Howard told him that maybe he shouldn't go in the ocean. He said he can't not go in the ocean, there are no rocks in there and no ledges to walk into. Artie was laughing his ass off over that.
Howard heard that Big Foot bought a new car for $190. Big Foot said it was a Geo Metro and it runs just fine. He said there's no air conditioning in there unless he opens his windows. He said he's been driving people to the airport in that car too.
Howard moved on to the game and said that they're going to be putting stuff into their asses and they have to guess what it is. As they were preparing, Isaac from Howard TV accidentally pulled off Blue Iris' wig. Robin said she had to go again because this stuff was just too crazy.
Howard told Big Foot and Blue Iris to take their pants down. Everyone was cringing and yelling out when they saw the stained underwear that Big Foot was wearing. Howard also said he's got a lot of zits on his ass. Will said that the stains in Big Foot's underpants were either blood or skid marks. Big Foot said that he's told them that he bleeds out of his ass. Howard told him he might want to get that checked out.
Blue was up first in the game. The guys put something in her ass crack and she had to try and guess what it was. She guessed it was a pen. That was wrong so they put the same item in Big Foot's ass. He didn't get it, he thought it was a microphone. It was actually a toothbrush.
Howard had the guys put the second item in Big Foot's ass. He guessed that it was a rubber ball. Howard said that was close but wanted it more specific. Big Foot was trying to come up with something else but seemed to be drawing a blank. Blue guessed a rubber ball as well but it turned out to be a Ping Pong Ball.
Howard had the guys put the third object in Blue's ass. She had no idea what it was. Big Foot had the same item and tried to come up with the answer. He said it was a toy doll but it turned out to be a bar of soap. Howard had the guys move on to the next item which Big Foot didn't get. Neither did Blue Iris. IT turned out to be corn on the cob. Howard said neither of them had won but they were going to split up the $500 prize between the two of them. Artie told Big Foot that's the equivalent of winning a new car.
Howard said the money for the contest was from the guys at Clips4Sale.com. He went to break right after that.
HSTVC: Friends. 12/18/12. 6:55am
After that Jon Hein mentioned the Nutrisystem story and how Jennifer was on the show as one of those girls and she was on the show 5 years before she was on ''Friends.'' That led into the interview clip where Jennifer Aniston came in as the Nutrisystem girl. In the clip Howard asked if she was a set up. Jennifer told Howard that she lost 15-17 pounds. She was only 20 years old. Howard said he'd hop on her in a second. He said he could teach her some things. Howard found out she's an actress but she's also a waitress. Howard said she would be good as the female lead in his movie. Howard said that could work. Howard told her to give him her number. Howard asked if she has an agent. Jennifer said she's with APA.
Howard said Gary looks like he wants to get in on this. He said this girl is hot. Howard said she looks like Alison Doody. He said she doesn't really look like her but he just likes saying her name. Howard said this girl has great muscle tone. Howard asked if this was doing anything for the rest of the guys. Jackie said he was staring at her. Gary said he imagines Howard's daughter growing up to look like her. Howard said he's a sicko. Howard told him to stay out of his house. Howard asked if she has acted anywhere. She said she has been in public theater. She told Howard what she did. Howard told her she really does look great.
Robin asked how long it took to lose the weight. Jennifer said it was about 6-8 weeks. Howard said her breasts are very full. Jennifer said she lost them completely. Howard said they must be B-cups. She said she's down to 110 pounds. Howard said she looks fabulous. Jennifer said the whole family was on Nutrisystem. She said that her dad lives in L.A. She said her dad is on Days of our Lives. She said he plays Victor Kirakis. Howard didn't know who that was. Robin did. Howard asked when she lost her virginity. Jennifer didn't say. Howard said she's very lovely and she knew how to dress. He said she looks great. Howard asked if she would pose for Playboy. She said no. Howard said he has a chipmunk in his undies. Howard had to wrap up with her a short time later.
Octomom, Nadya Suleman, Visits. 06/20/12. 7:35am
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to a guy selling dogs using Charlie Sheen audio clips. Fred also played Bruce Springsteen's ''Jersey Girl'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back laughing at the prank call that Fred was playing. He let the Springsteen song play a little bit and said that's a beautiful song. Howard said he should sing that to Robin. Robin said it's her favorite Bruce song. Howard asked if it's a turn on to hear a guy singing to another girl. Robin said she just feels something with the mood of the song.
Howard asked how long it'll be before Psyche or Little Mikey writes a song parody about Robin's tits. Howard made up his own song and said he can hear it now. He said he's sure it's coming.
Howard said the Octomom, Nadya Suleman, is coming in now. He said Nadya has 14 children. He said she looks good. Her boobs were popping out when she came in. Nadya said she's doing great but Robin said she's not and they all know it. Nadya said she really is doing good.
Howard said that Nadya did the kid thing and she has 14 kids that she has to deal with. Howard said they have a picture of her up on HowardStern.com today. Howard said he can smell her from there. She was heavily perfumed.
Howard said Nadya told them that she would never do porn. He said she said it wasn't her and that's just something she didn't want to do. Howard said Nadya thought she could figure out a way to support the kids without going to porn but she was wrong. Nadya said she tried to get food stamps and she was so embarrassed that she had to do something. She said they're off food stamps now that she's doing this. She said she's thankful for having hit rock bottoms. Nadya said it was the most humbling thing to happen to her. She asked who she is to judge anyone now.
Howard asked if she told the people who she was when she called about the food stamps. She said they told her that they were shocked that it took so long for her to call for help. She said that they were like angels and they came and helped. She said they've been off the food stamps for a few months now. Howard said they must have brought the stamps down in crates. Nadya said that it's like $4,000 a month in food alone for her and the kids.
Howard said he heard that her house is in foreclosure. Nadya said that she had an arrangement and she just found out yesterday that it is so she has people working on it. Nadya said she has a real estate agent working to negotiate for her. Nadya said the house isn't in her name. She said it's in the old owner's name but she was paying for it. Howard said he's not sure how she can live like this. Nadya said she has so many opportunities coming her way and she can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Howard asked Nadya about this deal she signed where she said she will only masturbate. She's not having sex with men in the porn. Howard said that she had to teach herself how to masturbate. Nadya started to bleed when she started to do it. Nadya said she is very small and she only had 4 of the kids naturally. She said she's been celibate for many years. She said she hasn't been with a man in 13 and a half years. She said she had a boyfriend back then and she could count the number of times she did it on her hands. Nadya said that she is attracted to men but she doesn't touch them. She said she's not attracted to herself but she touches herself.
Howard asked Nadya if she was molested or anything like that. Nadya said she never was. She said she grew up being taught that it was wrong to touch herself.
Howard asked how she learned how to masturbate. Nadya said she learned from Jessica Drake. Howard said she's one of the top porn attractions in the world now. Nadya said the crew were very respectful and that's why she was able to relax on the set.
Howard asked Nadya about getting naked and doing this for the first time. Nadya said she was comfortable doing the whole thing. Howard asked what they paid her to do it. Nadya said she's not even sure. She said they have been so respectful with this whole thing. Howard asked if she's afraid to tell them what she made. She said that they have total power over the whole thing and she hasn't made nay money yet. She said that it depends on how many they sell. She said today is the big release day. Howard said it doesn't sound like a total rescue yet.
Nadya said she has other things going on. She said she's with SaveEveryday.com and OctoLoan.com that she's working with.
Howard had the guys bring in Jessica Drake to talk about how she helped Nadya. Jessica came in and said that she's been with Wicked pictures for 8 years now. She told Howard that she's with Brad Armstrong who directed Nadya's film. She said that his specialty is making women look really beautiful. She said that they've been together for 9 years. Jessica said that she was speaking at UCLA that morning and she's been teaching people about sex. Howard asked what she can teach and if she can help him out with his premature ejaculation. She said she has some tips for him. She said that he can practice masturbating and then stopping and squeezing that can help delay the orgasm.
Howard said he has beaten off the last two nights and he should be able to hold out tonight so he'll give that a try. He said he doesn't think it works though. He said women just feel too good. Howard said he can't hold out with a beautiful woman. Howard said he can't hold out with his wife because she's so good looking. Howard said maybe if he bangs only ugly women he could hold out.
Howard got back to Nadya's story and asked what her boyfriend told her. Jessica said she had met Nadya a bunch of times. She said that she was at the house for wardrobe and things like that. She said that Nadya was nothing like what she expected.
Howard said he was surprised that Nadya's boobs looked as good as they did. He said he expected them to be really saggy. Nadya said that she had a breast reduction. She said she was very big even as a teen.
Howard asked Jessica if she could tell Nadya how to masturbate now. Nadya said that she was just soothing and she imitated what Jessica did. Jessica said that Nadya was doing some pretty girl tease and she was caressing herself and Nadya would do what she was doing. She said that once she got the feel of what she was doing she started to do her own thing. Howard asked if Jessica put her finger in her ass. She said she didn't do it that day but she does it usually. Nadya said she doesn't think her finger would fit in her's.
Nadya said that she tried to put the shiny thing in herself but she had issues. Howard asked what's going on with this whole thing. Jessica said that she thinks that Nadya doesn't have any confidence in herself. She said she doesn't think that she'll end up fucking a guy in a film. Howard said he thinks she will. Jessica said they didn't offer her a certain amount of money to do something she didn't want to do. She said that she's just doing what she wants to do.
Nadya said that she has nothing but positive thoughts these days. Jessica said she sent Nadya home with a vibrator. Nadya said she took a small one home and that was perfect. Howard asked if she has masturbated since she did the movie. Nadya said she doesn't have time to do it with the 14 kids.
Howard said Nadya wants to sit on the Sybian today. Nadya said she's looking forward to it. Jessica said she thinks that it's going to be great and Nadya can deliver those wild orgasms. Howard said Jessica might be like a vagina whisperer. Jessica said she likes to enable people to love sex. Howard said he's never seen Jessica before. He asked if she has ever been a babysitter in any of her porn. She said she actually has.
Howard said this is a big change for Nadya. She said it really is and she faced her biggest fear of revealing her sexuality. Howard said she just has to be open and remember that's not roast beef down there. Jessica said that her vagina is really cute. She said it's very small. Very, very small. Jessica said she's a fan of a beautiful vagina and she has one.
Howard said he thinks that Nadya is into women and she just doesn't want to admit to it. Nadya said she's going to plead the Fifth.
Howard said Nadya is going to ride the Sybian now. Jessica was going to help and coach her. Howard had the guys help Nadya get on the Sybian. Howard said she really does have a small vagina. He said it almost doesn't exist.
Jessica showed Nadya how to sit on the Sybian. Nadya wasn't sure where to sit. She didn't know what the bumpy parts were for. Gary helped her out too. He told her where to sit. Howard said they'll start her out at 20 percent. Will said that he heard she was going to get topless for this. She said she was afraid. Howard said she can do whatever she wants. Nadya asked if she could look at Jessica for this. Howard said she can because he thinks that she's lesbian anyway.
Howard gave Nadya some plugs for her new video that's out today at Wicked.com/Octomom
Howard had the guys start the Sybian. Nadya was out of it within seconds. Howard told Gary to turn it up from 20 percent to 60 percent a few seconds later. Nadya was trying to enjoy it and Jessica tried to help her relax. Nadya didn't know what was going on. She was moaning like she was in pain. She kept saying ''Oh shoot!'' and ''Oh god!'' while it was running. Robin was cracking up. Jessica told her to just let it go. Nadya moaned and said ''Oh no!'' and Jessica told her ''Oh yes!'' Nadya asked them to stop a short time later. Howard told Gary to bring it down. Gary kept going up and down for a few more seconds.
Nadya asked what the heck that was. Howard asked Nadya what happened there. She said something happened. She said it worked. She said she's kind of embarrassed though. Nadya asked if they're the only ones who will see it. Howard said everyone who has Howard TV will see it. She said that's not good.
Howard asked how many orgasms she had. Nadya said that she can't remember. She asked who invented that thing. Howard said it was Dave Lampert. Howard said that this is a whole new you. He said that she went from not even talking about sex to riding the Sybian. Nadya said she's becoming a woman. Howard said they're seeing the rebirth of Nadya. Nadya said that all she can say is ''Wow!'' She said she's very talkative too.
Howard said that Jessica is an excellent coach. He said that she is a loving and caring woman. Howard said he's sure that Nadya's video will burn up the internet. He said that her video is called Home Alone and it's available today. Nadya said she hopes the kids never see this. Howard said they will. He said she'll have to move them to China.
Howard said that Nadya will be at a celebrity pillow fight in Pennsylvania and you can get tickets at Ticketweb.com.
Howard told Nadya that she shouldn't wear fishnets. He said they're not hot. Nadya said she wanted to cover up some tattoos and stuff. Howard asked if she left anything on the Sybian. She said she didn't want to know. Will told her it was kind of wet and it had a smell. She just said ''Oh no!'' Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
That all led into an old clip from the show where Howard was talking about the animation they were doing for the E! show. He joked that he had hired Jackie's company to do it because they came so cheap. That led to the guys talking about how Jackie actually does have an animation company now. Howard said that Jackie's wife Nancy had started a graphic design company and she's now too busy to manage Jackie. Jackie had a new manager, Rory Rosegarden who was going to take over for her.
Howard asked Jackie what company name they were using for that one. Jackie said it's called Spinning Plates. That got Howard goofing on Jackie but Jackie said he'd love to fight him on that but he wasn't able to. He just let Howard and the guys go on that subject. Howard asked him why she had to start another company and not just do it out of the house like she's done with the rest of her jobs. Jackie said it's just the way they wanted to do things. He said that they also have Off Hour Rockers which is their production company. That's the big umbrella that has all of these other offshoots like the Spinning Plates thing.
Howard asked Jackie why Spinning Plates was really created. Jackie said she's creating all of the graphics for everything that they're doing. The guys were all goofing on Jackie about all of that stuff and not letting up. Jackie tried explaining it all and tried to defend Nancy. She called in a short time later and told them to get a life already. Howard said that she should get a life, she's busy just doing Jackie's albums.
Nancy said she had some other projects going and didn't know why this was such a big deal that she started the company. Howard still didn't get it and said he found it funny that she had to start a company to do something she's been doing all along. He figured that she wanted her own bank account or something separate from Jackie's. She said that they're both 50 percent owners in each other's companies. They were throwing around the names of her band, her company, Jackie's company, it was all very confusing. Howard said that they're like the Kramdens there with all of their wacky business ideas.
Robin asked how much time Jackie spends with her Spinning Plates thing. She said he spends no time at all and she doesn't seem to care about that. Howard let Nancy go and wrapped up that discussion. Nancy invited her over to go swimming but Howard said that they should come over to his place. He said that he'd like to see Nancy in a bathing suit.
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Remembering Clarence Clemons. 06/20/11. 8:50am
Howard came back and said he had sad news about Clarence Clemons. He said he died over the weekend. Howard said they had Clarence on the show many times. Robin could have gone out with him but never did. Robin said she could be a widow now if she had married him. Howard said he wanted to take a moment and remember him. Howard said the classic was when Clarence hit on Robin. He played some of that moment when Clarence was sweet talking Robin and had some of his music playing behind him.
Howard said Clarence was a good hearted soft spoken man but he was the type of guy who would go after what he wanted. He said there were two instances he could remember. One of them was Robin. He said the second instance was before he played with Bruce Springsteen. Howard said Bruce was playing in a small room and Clarence burst through the doors and went up on stage and started playing along with him. Howard said the guy was like 6'5'' tall and he walked in and saw him playing so he went right up on stage and played. Howard said that's how it happened. Howard said Clarence said Bruce needed him and he needed Bruce.
Howard said putting a saxophone in a rock song is something crazy but it worked for them. Howard said Clarence wasn't from a musical family either. He said that his family didn't understand why he was into the music thing either. Howard asked what his parents did. Benjy said his dad ran a fish market. Howard said he went out and got a saxophone and did his thing. He said he had a great life from it too. He said he was a heck of a nice guy too.
Howard said one of the tings about Clarence was that he was a football player and he got a scholarship for that but he got into a car accident and wrecked his knee. He said that he went after the sax instead. Robin said he was only in the music business 10 years before he met Bruce. Howard said Robin should have gone out with Clarence.
Howard played a clip from the show where he spoke to Clarence about how he met Bruce and how he left his wife and kids because he knew that was his calling to go on tour with Bruce. They pulled some audio from a 2009 interview they did. You can read that here.
Howard played a song parody saying goodbye to Clarence. Howard said that was Fred singing ''Goodbye Big Man.''
Gary came in and said that he saw Clarence's last show. He said that he went to the dressing room and it was just like the rider that they had read on the air during that interview. He said that it was pretty wild. Gary said they thought he was getting sick but he was getting better. Gary said he looked like he was getting healthier but it turns out he wasn't. Robin said it sounded like he was going to be okay last week but they were wrong.
Howard said it was great when he would come on the show and talk about all of that stuff. Howard said they didn't hear so much from him when Bruce was interested in him though.
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